Ali Hazelwood – Not in Love (2024, Penguin Random House) US-R.epub

PraiseforAliHazelwood
“Aliterarybreakthrough….TheLoveHypothesisisaself-assureddebut,andwehypothesizeit’sjustthefirstbitofgreatnesswe’llseefromanauthorwhosomehowhastheaudacitytobebothanacademicpowerhouseand[a]divinelytalentednovelist.”
—EntertainmentWeekly
“Contemporaryromance’sunicorn:theelusivemarriageofdeeplybrainyanddelightfullyescapist….TheLoveHypothesishaswildcommercialappeal,butthequietersecretisthatthereisaspecificaudience,madeupofalltheOlivesintheworld,whohavedeeply,ardentlywaitedforthisexactbook.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorChristinaLauren
“Withhersophomorenovel,AliHazelwoodprovesthatsheistheperfectwritertoshowthatscienceissexyashell,andthatlovecan‘STEM’fromthemostunlikelyplaces.She’smynewestmust-buyauthor.”
—#1NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorJodiPicoultonLoveontheBrain
“WheneverIwantasexy,witty,deliciousromance,toldinafreshandintelligentvoice,IreadAliHazelwood.Preparetogetaddicted.Eachbookispurejoy.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorSimoneSt.James
“Funny,sexy,andsmart.AliHazelwooddidaterrificjobwithTheLoveHypothesis.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorMarianaZapata
“Gloriouslynerdyandsexy,withon-pointcommentaryaboutwomeninSTEM.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorHelenHoangonLoveontheBrain
“STEMinists,assemble.Yourworldisabouttoberocked.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorElenaArmasonLoveontheBrain
“Thistacklesoneofmyfavoritetropes—GrumpymeetsSunshine—inafunandutterlyendearingway….Ilovedthenodstowardfandomandromancenovels,andIcouldn’tputitdown.Highlyrecommended!”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorJessicaClareonTheLoveHypothesis
“AliHazelwoodfinallygivesusparanormal,withhertrademarkhumor,twistyplot,andspicethatdoesn’tquit—buckleup.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorHannahWhittenonBride
“HazelwoodunleasheshersparklingvoiceandwitonaparanormalRomeoandJuliet.”
—InternationalbestsellingauthorRubyDixononBride
“Theromancethatbloomsfromamarriageofconvenienceisbothtenderandfoxy,indisputablysexyandbrimmingwithheart.”
—USATodaybestsellingauthorIsabelCa?asonBride
“ThereigningqueenofSTEMinistrom-comsreturnswithatalesetinthecutthroatworldofeliteacademiafullofdelightfulhumor,realisticemotions,andthemessysearchforself-acceptance.”
—Booklist(starredreview)onLove,Theoretically
“Adecidedlyquirkyandthoroughlycharmingtale….Geekysciencejokes,humorousstudentemails,andexpertlydeliveredsnarkybanterenhancethenarrative.ReaderswillcheerforJackandElsieandtheirbumpyroadtohappilyeverafter.”
—PublishersWeekly(starredreview)onLove,TheoreticallyALSOBYALIHAZELWOOD
TheLoveHypothesis
LoveontheBrain
Love,Theoretically
Bride
Anthologies
LoathetoLoveYou
Novellas
UnderOneRoof
StuckwithYou
BelowZero
YoungAdultNovels
Check&MateBERKLEYROMANCE
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Copyright?2024byAliHazelwood
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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Hazelwood,Ali,author.
Title:Notinlove/AliHazelwood.
Description:Firstedition.|NewYork:BerkleyRomance,2024.
Identifiers:LCCN2023051452(print)|LCCN2023051453(ebook)|ISBN9780593550427(paperback)|ISBN9780593550434(ebook)
Subjects:LCGFT:Romancefiction.|Novels.
Classification:LCCPS3608.A98845N682024(print)|LCCPS3608.A98845(ebook)|DDC813/.6—dc23/eng/20241102
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2023051452
LCebookrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2023051453
EbookISBN?9780593550434
Coverartbylilithsaur
CoverdesignbyVikkiChu
BookdesignbyDanielBrount,adaptedforebookbyCoraWigen
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
pid_prh_7.0_147242653_c0_r0Contents
Cover
PraiseforAliHazelwood
AlsobyAliHazelwood
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
Author’sNote
Chapter1:Simpleenough
Chapter2:Verywillingtolethercontinue
Chapter3:Itwouldhavebeenfun
Chapter4:Notenemies
Chapter5:Abigaccusation
Chapter6:Ashortcuthisbraindidnotneed
Chapter7:Notaconditionforanything
Chapter8:Likestartinganewbookbeforefinishingtheonealreadycheckedoutfromthelibrary
Chapter9:Yousimp
Chapter10:Wesettlethis.Onceandforall.
Chapter11:Weworkitoutofoursystem,andneverthinkaboutitagain
Chapter12:Bechdeltest:failed
Chapter13:Theawful,secretones
Chapter14:Thecurrentvillainofherstory
Chapter15:Whatthehellareyoudoing?
Chapter16:Hisheadbetweenanotherwoman’slegs
Chapter17:Herexistence,apparently,didalotforhim
Chapter18:Ourcurrency
Chapter19:YouknowwheretheCloroxwipesare,right?
Chapter20:Bigfuckingdeal
Chapter21:Wouldyouliketodothatwithme?
Chapter22:Goodgirl
Chapter23:Awonderfullay
Chapter24:Idon’tdislikehim
Chapter25:Doesitreallynotsoundlikeafantasticidea?
Chapter26:Takestockofyourshitty,solitarylife
Chapter27:Believeme,I’vetried
Chapter28:Inanothertimeline
Chapter29:Evenifyoudon’t
Chapter30:Iguessthisisrevenge
Chapter31:Difficultchoices
Chapter32:Let’strytomakeitright
Chapter33:Sad,beautifulfortressgirl
Chapter34:Untroddenterritory
Chapter35:Can’thaveboth
Chapter36:Themosttragicstory
Chapter37:Thefriendswemadealongtheway
Chapter38:Weallhaveourbaggage
Chapter39:Meanttobe,orsomeshit
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
_147242653_ToJen.SometimesIwonderwhatIwoulddowithoutyou,andIgetsuperscared.
PS:Whitechocolateisgood,actually.
PPS:Whenyoureadthis,giveStellaacookiefromAuntAli.DearReader,
IjustwantedtodropaquicknotetoletyouknowthatNotinLoveis,tonally,alittledifferentfromtheworksI’vepublishedinthepast.RueandElihavedealtwith—andstilldealwith—thefalloutfromissuessuchasgrief,foodinsecurity,andchildneglect.Theyareeagertomakeaconnectionbutarenotsurehowtogoaboutitexceptthroughaphysicalrelationship.Theresultis,Ithink,lessofarom-comandmoreofaneroticromance.
RueandEli’sstoryhas,ofcourse,ahappilyeverafter!Butitalsocontainssomeseriousthemes,andIwantedtogiveyouaheads-upsoyouknowwhattoexpect.
Love,
Ali1
SimpleenoughRue
“Ladies,thisisagenuine,nonrhetoricalquestion:Howdothetwoofyousurviveintherealworld?”
IstaredatNyota’scontemptuousexpression,reflectingontheuniquebrandofhumiliationthatcamewithhavingone’sbestfriend’slittlesister(who’dbeenrepeatedlyrebuffedwhenattemptingtoenterthebackyardtreehouse;who’dpubliclyfeastedonaboogeratChristmas2009;who’dbeencaughtFrench-kissingaclementineinthelinenclosetafewshortmonthslater)questionone’sabilitytocarryoutaproductiveexistence.
Thenagain,backintheday,TishaandIhadbeenthreewholeyearsolderthanher,andwe’dharboredaclearlymisplacedsuperioritycomplex.WeknewbetternowthatlittleNyotawastwenty-four,alawschoolprodigy,andanewlymintedbankruptcylawyerwhosebillablehourswereworthmorethanmytragicallyhighcarinsurancepremium.Toaddinsulttoinjury,IfollowedheronInstagram,whichwashowIknewshecouldbench-pressmorethanherweight,lookedincredibleinamonokini,andregularlybakedonionrosemaryfocacciafromscratch.
Inapowerfulflexwhosebrilliancekeptmeawakeatnight,Nyotahadneverfollowedmeback.
“Youknowus,”Isaid,choosinghonestyoverpride.TishaandIwereholedupinsidemycloset-sizedofficeatKline,FaceTimingsomeonewho’dprobablyneverevensavedourphonenumbers.Dignitywastheleastofourworries.“Wearebarelyhangingon.”
“Canyoujustanswerthequestion?”Tishabristled.Ashumblingasthiswasforme,ithadtobemuchworseforher.Nyotawashersister,afterall.
“Really?Youcallmeinthemiddleoftheworkdaytoaskwhataloanassignmentis?Youcouldn’tgoogleit?”
“Wedid,”Isaid,omittingthatwe’daddedfordummiestothesearch.Andyet.“Wegotthegistofit,wethink.”
“Great,thenyou’regolden.I’mhangingup,seeyoubothatThanksgiving—”
“However,”Iinterrupted.ItwaslateMay.“ThereactionsofotherKlineemployeesseemtosuggestthatwemightnotbefullygraspingtheimplicationsofthisloanassignment.”Mythresholdforoddwashigh,andI’dbeenabletobrushofftheHRrepbrazenlybrowsingmonster.comathisstandingdesk,thechemistswho’dbumpedintomeface-firstandrunawaywithnaryanoops,thevacantstareofmyusuallydictatorialboss,Matt,whenI’dinformedhimthatthereporthewaswaitingonwouldtakeatleastthreemorehours.Then,whileIwasemptyingmywaterbottleintoapottedplantthathadlivedinthebreakroomlongerthanI’dbeenintheworkforce,atechnicianhadburstintotearsandsuggested,YoushouldtakeChristofernhome,Dr.Siebert.Itshouldn’tdiejustbecauseofwhat’sabouttohappentoKline
Ihadnocluewhatwasgoingon.AllIknewwasthatIlovedmycurrentjobatKline,themostimportantprojectofmylifewasatapivotalpoint,andIwastoosociallychallengedtoeasilytransitiontoanotherworkplace.Today’seventdidnotbodewell.“There’sgoingtobeanassemblyinfifteenminutes,”Iexplained,“andwe’dlovetowalkinwithabetterideaofwhat—”
“Ny,stopbitchingandjustregurgitateitforuslikewe’refive,”Tishaordered.
“Youguysaredoctors,”Nyotapointedout—notasacompliment.
“Okay,listencarefully,Ny,’causethiswillblowyourmindandwemighthavetoreportittotheUNandhaveatrialatTheHague:thetopicofprivateequityfirmsandloanassignmentsdidnotcomeupinanyclassduringourchemicalengineeringPhDs.Ashockingoversight,Iknow,andI’msureNATOwillwanttotakemilitaryaction—”
“Zipit,Tish.Youdon’tgettosnarkwhenyouneedsomethingfromme.Rue,howdidyoufindoutabouttheloanassignment?”
“Florencesentoutacompany-wideemail,”Isaid.“Thismorning.”
“FlorenceisKline’sCEO?”
“Yes.”Itseemedreductive,soIadded,“Andfounder.”Stillnotexhaustive,buttherewasatimeandplaceforfangirling,andthiswasn’tit.
“Diditsayanythingaboutwhichprivateequityboughtyourloan?”
Iskimmedthebodyoftheemail.“TheHarknessGroup.”
“Hmm.Ringsabell.”Nyotatypedawayinsilence,theNewYorkCityskylinegleamingbehindher.Herofficewasinahigh-rise—thousandsofmilesandanentireuniversefromNorthAustin.LikeTishaandme,she’dbeeneagertogetoutofTexas.Unlikeus,she’dnevermovedback.“Ah,yeah.Thoseguys,”shesaideventually,squintingathercomputerscreen.
“Doyouknowthem?”Tishaasked.“Arethey,like,famous?”
“It’saprivateequityfirm,notaK-popband.Buttheyarewellknownintechcircles.”Shebitherlip.Suddenlyherexpressionwastheoppositeofreassuring,andIfeltTishatensebesideme.
“Thisisnotthefirsttimesomethinglikethishashappened,”Isaid,refusingtogiveintopanic.IhadgraduatedfromUTAustinayearearlier,butI’dbeenworkingforFlorenceKlinesincebeforefinishingmyPhD.Noneofthisfeltnew.“Therearemanagementshake-upsandinvestorissuesallthetime.Italwayssettlesdown.”
“Notsureaboutthistime,Rue.”Nyota’sbrowcreasedintoascowl.“Listen,Harknessisaprivateequityfirm.”
“Stilldon’tknowwhatthatmeans,”Tishabristled.
“AsIwasgoingtoexplain,privateequitiesare…groupsofpeoplewithlotsandlotsofmoneyandsparetime.Andinsteadoffrolickingintheirhard-earnedcashScroogeMcDuck–style,orleavingitinsavingsaccountslikethetwoofyou—”
“BoldofyoutoassumeIhavesavings,”Tishamuttered.
“—theyuseittobuyothercompanies.”
“AndtheyboughtKline?”Iasked.
“Nope.Klinehasn’tgonepublic—youcan’tbuyKline’sstocks.Butbackwhenitwasfounded,itneededmoneytodevelop…ravioli?Isthatwhatyouguysdo?”
“Foodnanotechnology.”
“Sure.Let’spretendthatmeanssomething.Anyway,whenFlorencefoundedKline,shegotabigloan.Butnow,whoevergaveherthemoneydecidedtosellthatloantoHarkness.”
“WhichmeansthatnowKlineowesthemoneytoHarkness?”
“Correct.See,Rue,Iknewyouweren’ttotallyuseless.Mysister,ontheotherhand,neverceasesto…”Nyota’svoicedriftedasshefrownedathercomputer.
“What?”Tishaasked,alarmed.Nyotawasn’tthetypetostopmid-insult.“Whathappened?”
“Nothing.I’mjustreadinguponHarkness.They’rewellrespected.Focusedonmidsizetechstartups.Ithinktheyhaveacoupleofscienceguysontheinside?Theyacquirepromisingcompanies,providecapitalandsupporttogrowthem,sellthemforaprofit.BuyingaloanseemsalittleoutoftheirMO.”
Tisha’sfingersclosedaroundmythigh,andIcoveredherhandwithmypalm.Physicalcomfortwasrarelyinmyrepertoire,butmakingexceptionsforTishawasnotrouble.“SoallFlorenceneedstodoispaybacktheloantoHarkness,andHarknesswillbeoutofthepicture?”Iasked.Seemedsimpleenough.Noneedtoinvolvemonster.com.
“Uh…intherainbowworldyoulivein,maybe.Havefunfrolickingwiththeunicorns,Rue.There’snowayFlorencehasthemoney.”
Tisha’sgriptightened.“Ny,whatdoesitmean,inpractice?Doesitmeanthattheytakecontrolofthecompany?”
“Maybe.It’lldependontheloancontract.”
Ishookmyhead.“Florencewouldneverletthemdothat.”
“Florencemightnothaveachoice.”Nyota’svoicesoftenedabruptly,andthat—outofeverything,thatmadethefirsttingesoffearhookintomystomach.“Dependingonthetermsoftheagreement,HarknessmighthavetherighttoinstallanewCTOandseriouslyinterfereinday-to-dayoperations.”
AskingwhataCTOwaswasn’tgoingtogetmeanyclosertoanInstagramfollow,soIjustsaid,“Okay.What’sthebottomline?”
“Harknessmightendupbeinganonissue.Oritmightbethereasonyouneedtofindnewjobs.Rightnow,it’simpossibletotell.”
Tisha’s“fuck”wasasoftmuttering.Florence,Ithought,andmymouthfeltdry.WhereisFlorencerightnow?HowisFlorencerightnow?“Thankyou,Nyota,”Isaid.“Thiswasveryhelpful.”
“Callmeaftertoday’sassembly—we’llhaveabetterideabythen.”Itwasniceofher,thatwe.“Butitwouldn’thurttostartsprucingupyourCV,justincase.Austinisagreatplacefortechstartups.Lookaroundonline,askyournerdfriendsiftheyhaveleads.Doyouguyshaveanyfriends,asidefromeachother?”
“IhaveBruce.”
“Bruceisacat,Tish.”
“Andyourpoint?”
Theystartedbickering,andItunedthemout,tryingtocalculatethelikelihoodofTishaandmefindinganotherjobtogether.Onethatwouldpaywellandaffordusthescientificfreedomwecurrentlyhad.Florencehadevenallowedmeto—
Ahorrifyingthoughtstabbedatme.“Whataboutourpersonalprojects?Employees’patents?”
“Mm?”Nyotacockedherhead.“Employees’patents?Forwhat?”
“Inmycase,abio-nanocompositethat—”
“Uh-huh,holdtheTEDTalk.”
“It’ssomethingthatmakesproducestayfresher.Longer.”
“Ah.Isee.”Shenoddedinunderstanding,hereyessuddenlywarmer,andIwonderedwhatsheknew.Tishawouldnevermentionmyhistory,butNyotawasobservantandcouldverywellhavenoticedonherown.Afterall,foryearsI’dspenteverysparemomentattheirhouse,justtoavoidreturningtomyown.“Thisisyourproject?Yourpatent?Andyouhaveanagreementthatguaranteesyouownershipofthistech?”
“Yes.ButifKlinechangeshands—”
“Aslongastheagreementisinwriting,you’regood.”
IrememberedanemailfromFlorence.Longwords,smallfonts,electronicsignatures.Reliefpunchedthroughme.Thankyou,Florence.
“Guys,trynottosweatthistoomuch,okay?Gototheassemblyyou’reprobablyalreadylatefor.Findoutallyoucanandreportback.AndfortheloveofJusticeBrownJackson,updateyourdamnCVs.Youhaven’tbeenapetgroomersinceundergrad,Tish.”
“GetoffmyLinkedIn,”Tishamuttered,butshewasflippingoffanalreadyblankscreen.Sosheleanedbackinherchairandsettledforanothersubdued“fuck.”
Istaredaheadandnodded.“Indeed.”
“Neitherofushastheemotionalconstitutionforjobinsecurity.”
“Nope.”
“Imean,we’llbeallright.We’reintech.It’sjust…”
Inoddedoncemore.WewerehappyatKline.Together.WithFlorence.
Florence.“Lastnight,Florencetextedme,”ItoldTisha.“AskedifIwantedtogoovertoherplace.”
Sheturned.“Didshesaywhy?”
Ishookmyhead,feelinghalf-embarrassed,half-guilty.Waytoshowupforyourfriends,Rue.“ItoldherIhadplans.”
“Whatwereyou—oh,right.Yourquarterlysex-up.RueAfterDark.Ohmygod,howhavewenottalkedabouttheguy.”
“Whatguy?”
“Really?Yousendmeapictureofsomedude’sdriver’slicenseandthenaskwhatguy?Nicetry.”
“Itwasavaliantattempt.”Istood,tryingtoavoidrememberingdeep-setblueeyes.ThatGrecianurnprofilethathadforcedmetostare.Theshortbrowncurls,justthissideoftoomessy.He’dkepthiseyesstraightaheadashedrovemehome,asifadamantnottolookinmydirection.
“Haveyouheardfromhim?Assumingyoudidtheunthinkableand”—shegasped,clutchinghersternum—“gavehimyournumber.”
“Ihaven’tcheckedmyphone.”Itnowlivedattheverybottomofmybackpack,pressedunderanextrahoodie,andmywaterbottle,andastackofbooksthatwereduebackatthelibraryintwodays.Itwasgoingtostaythere,atleastaslongasIcaughtmyselfwonderingeverytenminuteswhetherhehadtexted.
Ilikedtoforcemyselftokeepacertaindetachmentwhenitcametohes.
“IshouldhavegonetoFlorence’s,”Isaid,remorsepricklingatthebottomofmystomach.
“Nah.Havingtochoosebetweenyougettinglaidandhavingaheads-uponthishereclusterfuck,I’dprobablychooseorgasmsforyou.I’mageneroussoullikethat.”Tishaloweredhervoiceaswewalkedsidebyside,treadingdownKline’ssea-blue,ultramodernhallwaysthatteemedwithemployees,allheadingtowardtheopenspaceonthefirstfloor.TheyallsmiledatTisha—andnoddedatme,politebutmuchmoresomber.
Klinehadstartedoutasasmalltechstartup,thenquicklyballoonedtoseveralhundredemployees,andI’dstoppedkeepingtrackofnewhires.Plus,thesolitarynatureofmyprojectmademeabitofanunknownquantity.Thetall,serious,distantgirl—whoalwayshungoutwiththeothertallgirl,thefunnyanddelightfuloneeverybodyloved.AtKline,Tisha’sandmypopularitylevelswereasmismatchedasthey’dbeensinceelementaryschool.Luckily,I’dlearnednottomind.
“Sadly,”Imurmured,“noorgasmswerehad.”
“What?Hedidnotlooklikehe’dbebadatsex!”
“Iwouldn’tknow.”
Shescowled.“Isn’tthatwhatyoumethimfor?”
“Originally.”
“And?”
“Vincentshowedup.”
“Oh,fuckVincent.Howdidhe—Idon’tevenwannaknow.Nexttime,then?”
Sinceyouneverdorepeats,he’dsaid,andmybodyhadheatedatthewistfulnessinhistone.
“Idon’tknow,”Iwhisperedtruthfully,feelingsomeofthatwistfulnessmyselfasTishaandItookaseatonacouchatthebackoftheroom.“Ithinkthat—”
“Neveradullfuckingmoment,”saidamusicalvoice,andthecushiondippedonmyleftside.Jaywasourfavoritelabtechnician.Or,moreaccurately,Tisha’sfavorite,whomshe’dswiftlybefriended.Byvirtueofalwaysbeingaroundher,I’dbeenfoldedintothatrelationship.Itwastheunabridgedstoryofmysociallife.“Isweartogod,”hesaid,“iftheyfireallofusandmyvisafallsthroughandIhavetogobacktoPortugalandSanabreaksupwithme—”
“Lovetheoptimism,babe.”Fromtheothersideofme,Tishaleanedforwardwithagrin.“Weresearchedthiswholemess,bytheway.Wecantellyouwhataloanassignmentis.”
Jay’seyebrowarched,andthepiercingsspearedthroughitflickered.“Youdidn’tknowbefore?”
Tishashrankback,disappearingbehindme.“There,there.”Ipattedherlegcomfortingly.“Atleastwe’veneverpretendedtobeanythingbutwhatweare.”
“Dumbasses?”
“Apparently.”
Awaterfallofredcurlsappearedinthecrowd,andtheknotofpanicinmychestinstantlyloosened.Florence.Brilliant,resourcefulFlorence.ShewasKline.She’dfoughttoothandnailforit,andwasn’tgoingtoallowanyonetotakeitfromher.Certainlynotsome—
“Whoarethosefour?”Tishawhisperedinthesuddenhushoftheroom.HergazehaddriftedpastFlorence,tothefiguresstandingbesideher.
“SomeonefromHarkness?”Jayguessed.
Ihadexpectedslicked-backhair,andsuits,andthatuniquelyoff-puttingfinancebroflair.TheHarknesspeople,however,lookedliketheymighthavebelongedatKlineinadifferenttimeline.Maybedressingdownwasjustapowermoveontheirpart,buttheyseemed…normal.Approachable.Thelong-hairedwomanwasateaseinherjeansandseemedpleasedwiththeturnout,andsodidthebroad-shoulderedmanwhostoodjustalittletooclosetoher.Thetallfigureinthewell-groomedbeardsurveyedtheroomatouchhaughtily,butwhowasItojudge?I’dbeentoldseveraltimesIdidn’texactlyinspirefuzzywarmth.Andthefourthman,theonewhojoinedthegrouplast,gaitunhurriedandsmileconfident,heseemed…
Thebloodcongealedinmyveins.
“Ialreadyhatethem,”Jaymumbled,makingTishalaugh.
“Youhateeverybody.”
“No,Idon’t.”
“Yes,youdo.Doesn’the,Rue?”
Inoddedabsently,eyesstuckonthefourthHarknessmanlikeabirdcaughtinanoilspill.Myheadspunandtheroomranoutofair,becauseunliketheothers’,hisfacewasfamiliar.
Unliketheothers,Iknewexactlywhohewas.2
VerywillingtolethercontinueEli
Thepreviousnight
Shelookedevenmorebeautifulthaninherpicture.
Andshe’dlookedprettyfuckingstunninginthat,too,standinginfrontofapainfullyfamiliarUTAustinsign.Notaselfie—aregularold-schoolphoto,croppedtocutouthercompanion.Allthatwasleftwasaslender,dark-skinnedarmslunglazilyaroundashoulder.And,ofcourse,her.Smiling,butonlyfaintly.There,butremote.
Beautiful.
Notthatitmatteredmuch.Elihadhookedupwithenoughpeopletoknowthataperson’slookshadalittlelessimpactonthequalityofcasualsexthanwhatthatpersonwaslookingfor.Still,whenhearrivedatthehotellobbyandspottedheratthebar,sittingstraightonthetallstool,hestoppedinhistracks.Hesitated,eventhoughhismeetingwithHarkandtheothershadrunbehind,anddroppinghometocheckonTinyhadputhimafewminuteslate.
ShewasdrinkingSanpellegrino—arelief,sincegiventheirplansforthenight,anythingelsewouldhavegivenhimpause.Herjeansandsweaterweresimple,andherposturewasathingofbeauty.Relaxed,yetregal.Spineunbent,butnotonedge.Shedidn’tlooknervous,andhadtheeasyairofsomeonewhodidthisoftenenoughtoknowexactlywhattoexpect.
Elirememberedherpertinentquestionsandstraight-to-the-pointanswers.She’dmessagedhimthedaybefore,andwhenhe’dasked,Wherewouldyouliketomeet?herresponsehadbeen,
Notmyapartment.
Myplacedoesn’tworkeither.Icanbookahotelandcoverthecost.
I’mokaywithsplitting.
Noneed.
Worksforme,then.FYI,I’llsharemylocationwithafriendwhohasmylogininfototheapp.
Pleasedo.Wouldyoulikemyphonenumber?
Wecankeepmessaginghere.
SoundsgoodWhatevermadeherfeelsafest.Thedatingappgamecouldbedangerous.Thenagain,theapptheywereusingwasn’tfordating,notbyanycorrectmeaningoftheword.
Eliglancedatthewomanonelasttime,andsomethingresemblingtheanticipationheusedtobecapableofroseinsidehim.Good,hetoldhimself.Thisisgoingtobegood.Hestartedwalkingagainbutstoppedafewfeetaway.
Whenanothermanapproached.
Somepoorassholehittingonher,Elioriginallyfigured,butitquicklybecameapparentthatshealreadyknewhim.Hereyeswidened,thennarrowedinaone-twopunch.Herspinelocked.Sheshiftedback,seekingmoredistance.
Anexofsomekind,Elithoughtasthemanspokeurgently.Ahushedconversationbegan,andwhiletheelevatormusicwastooloudforElitopickupthewords,thetensioninhershoulderbladeswasn’tagoodsign.Sheshookherhead,thenranahandthroughherdark,glossycurls,andwhentheyswepttotheside,hecaughtthelineofhernape:stiff.Stifferasthemanstartedtalkingfaster.Inchingcloser.Gesticulatingharder.
Thenhishandclosedaroundherupperarm,andEliintervened.
Hewasatthebarinseconds,butthewomanwasalreadytryingtopryherselffree.Hestoppedbehindherstoolandordered,“Lethergo.”
Themanglancedup,glassy-eyed.Drunk,maybe.“Thisisnoneofyourbusiness,bro.”
Elisteppedcloser,bicepbrushingagainstthewoman’sback.“Let.Her.Go.”
Themanlooked,reallylooked.Hadabriefmomentofcommonsense,inwhichheestimated,correctly,thathehadnochanceagainstEli.Reluctantly,slowly,heunhandedthewomanandraisedhisarmsinapeacekeepinggesture,knockingoverherglassintheprocess.“There’samisunderstanding—”
“Isthere?”Heglancedatthewoman,whowasrescuingherphonefromapuddleofSanpellegrino.Hersilencewasanswerenough.“Nope.Getout,”heordered,atonceamiableandmenacing.Eli’sentireprofessionallifereliedonhisabilitytofindsomethingthatwouldmotivatepeopletosuccessfullydotheirjobs,andinhisexpertopinion,thisshitheadneededtobescaredalittle.
Itworked:shitheadglared,groundhisjaw,glancedaroundasthoughsearchingforwitnessestojoinhimindenouncingtheinjusticehewasbeingsubjectedto.Whennoonesteppedforward,hescuttledangrilytowardtheentranceofthehotel,andEliturnedtowardthewoman.
Electricityjoltedthroughhim.Hereyeswerelargeandliquid,adarkbluehewasn’tsurehe’dencounteredbefore.Elistaredintothemandbrieflylosttrackofhisquestion.
Ah.Right.Itwassomethingverycomplex,somethingalongthelinesof“Areyouokay?”
Insteadofreplying,sheasked,“Doyouoftenengageinvigilantebullshittocompensateforwhateveryourissuesare?”Hervoicewastame,butherglareblazed.Elinoticedthatherupperlipwasslightlyfullerthanthelower.Bothweredarkpink.“Becausemaybeyoucouldjustbuyaninfantrytank.”
Hiseyebrowrose.“Andmaybeyoucouldchoosebettermentospendyourtimewith.”
“That’sforsure,sinceIcameheretospendtimewithyou.”
Ah.She’drecognizedhim,then.Andshewasn’tafan.
Elididn’tblameherforthinkinghimabrash,hotheadedjerk,butthelastthinghewantedwastomakeheruncomfortable.Sheclearlydidn’twanthimaround,andthathadhimfeelingasmalltingeofdisappointment.Itswelledlargerashelookedatherlipsonelasttime,butheshruggeditoff.
Toobad,butnotthatbad.Hegaveheronelastnod,turnedaround,and—
Ahandclosedaroundhiswrist.
Helookedatheroverhisshoulder.
“I’msorry.”Shescrewedhereyesshuttight.Thentookadeepbreathandsmiledthefaintestsmilehe’deverseen,whichsentanew,heatedwaveofinterestvibratingthroughhim.
Eliwasnoaesthete.Hehadnoideawhetherthiswomanwasobjectively,scientificallybeautiful,orwhetherherfacesimplycametogetherinawaythatseemedtoworkperfectlyforhim.Eitherway,theresultwasthesame.
Abigfuckingturn-on.
“Eli,right?”sheasked.
Henodded.Fullyturnedtoher.
“I’msorry.Iwasstillinfight-or-flightmode.I’musuallywaylessdefensiveabout…”Shegesturedvaguely.Hernailswerered.Herhandsgraceful,buttrembling.“Beinghelped.Thankyouforwhatyoudid.”Herhanddroppedfromhiswristtocurlintoherlap,andhefollowedeveryinchofthatjourney,mesmerized.
“Youdidn’tmentionyourname,”hesaid,insteadofyou’rewelcome.Ontheapp,she’djustusedoneinitial:R.
“No,Ididn’t.”Shedidn’telaborate,andheruncompromisingtonewasathrillallbyitself.
Rachel?Rose.Rubyturnedtowatchtheentrance,wherethemanstillloitered,givingthemresentfulglances.Whenherthroatbobbed,Eliofferedcasually,“Icouldgoscarehimoff.”Hisbrawlingdayswereover—hadbeensincehighschool,whenhislifehadbeenhockeypracticesanddetentionsandlotsofrage.Still,heknewhowtodealwithassholes.
“It’sokay.”Sheshookherhead.
“Orcallthepolice.”
Anothershake.Then,afteramomentofreluctance,sheadded,“Butmaybeyoucould…”
“I’llstay,”hesaid,andherposturesoftenedinrelief.Withthewaytheshitheadwasacting,Elihadplannedtokeepaneyeonheranyway—whichwasprobablyawholeotherdegreeofcreepy,butherehewas.Makingthisrandomgirlwhosenamehedidn’tevenknowhisbusiness.Heleanedbackagainstthecounter,armscrossedonhischest.Alargegroupapproachedthebarandtookaseatnexttothem,forcinghimtoshiftalittleclosertoher.
R.
Rebecca
Rowan
“Iknowwe’resupposedto…”Shegesturedvaguelyupward,andamillionthingsflashedinhisbrainattheflickofherindexfinger.
Thepragmatictoneofherfirstmessagetohim:AreyoustillintheAustinarea?Interestedinmeetingup?
Theonlycasual—norelationshipsorrepeatmeetingsinherbio.
HeranswertotheKinks?questionontheopensurvey.
Thelistofwhatshewasnotwillingtodo.Ofwhatshewas
Atthispointhedoubtedanythingwouldhappenbetweenthemtonight,buthewasstillgoingtomulloverthelatter.Alot.
“Idon’twanttoanymore,”shecontinued,voicesteady.Helikedthatshedidn’tsaycan’t,butdon’twant.Thelackofapologyinhertone.Herserious,quietexpression.
“Youmean,youdon’twanttogoupstairsandfuckamanyoudon’tknowminutesafteramanyoudoknowassaultedyou?”Hegaveheralookofmocksurprise,andshenoddedthoughtfully.
“That’sagoodrecap.Ibetit’stoolatetogetarefundonthehotelroom,soifyouneedtomakeplanswithsomeoneelsefortonight,feelfree.”
Hefeltthecornerofhismouthquirkup.“I’llsurvive,”hesaiddryly.
“Asyouprefer,”shetoldhim,indifferent.Sheclearlycouldn’tcarelesswhetherhetookhisphoneoutandbooty-calledhalfthecityorsworehisundyingloyaltytoher,andElibitbackasmile.Herheadcocked.“Doyoudothisalot?”sheasked.
“Dowhat?Fuck?”
“Savedamselsindistress.”
“No.”
“Becauseyoudon’tencountermany,orbecauseyouleavethemindistress?”Hervoicewassoft,andonanyoneelse’slipsthewordswouldhavesoundedlikeflirting.Nothers,though.“Eitherway,I’mflattered,”sheadded.
“Youshouldbe.”Heglancedattheman,whowasstilloutside,glaring.“Doyoulivealone?”
Hereyebrowsrose,andhenoticedafaintscarbisectingtheright.Hisindexfingertappedonceagainstthecounter,itchingtotraceit.“AreyoutryingtofindoutifI’msingle?”
“I’mtryingtofigureoutwhatthechancesarethatthedipshitwillbewaitingforyouwhereyoulive,whocouldhelpyouifheis,orwhetheryourpetcouldprotectyou.”
“Ah.”Shedidn’tlookflusteredtohavemisunderstoodhim.Fascinating.“Idolivealone.Andheshouldn’tknowwhere.”
“Shouldn’t?”
“I’mnotsurehowhetrackedmehere.IcanonlyimaginethathefoundoutwhereIlived,wasn’tallowedinsidebymydoorman,andfollowedmyUberwhenitpickedmeup.”She’dbeenshakenuntilaminuteearlier,butnowshesoundeddisarminglyutilitarian.Justlikeinhertexts,Elithought.She’dmessagedhimwithnoemojis.NoLOLorLMAO.Correctlyplacedpunctuationandpropercapitalization.He’dguesseditwasalocalizedquirk,butherdemeanorseemedliketheembodimentofherwriting.
Serious.Alittleimpenetrable.Complicated.
AndElihadneverbeenafanofeasy.
“Howareyougettinghome?”heasked.
“Uber.OrLyft.Whatever’squicker.”Shepickedupherphone,butwhenshetappedonit,itrefusedtolightup.Elirememberedthespilledwater.“Well,thisisanewdevelopment.”Shesighed.“I’llhailacab.”
Nofuckingway,healmostsaid,butstoppedwithhismouthhalf-open.Thiswomanwasnothisfriend,sister,colleague.Shewassomeonewithwhomhe’dbeenplanningtohaveasexualrelationshipthatwouldlastpartofthenight,thenneverseeagain.Hehadnorighttotellherwhattodo.
Thoughhecouldtrytoconvinceher.
“He’sstilloutthere,”Elisaidevenly,pointingatthemanwithhischin.Hepacedoutsidetherevolvingdoor,skinglisteningwithsweat.“Waitingforyoutostepoutofthebar.”
“Right.”Shescratchedherlongneck.Elistaredfarlongerthanheshouldhave.“Couldyouwalkoutsidewithme?”
“Iwill.Butwhatifhedoesknowwhereyoulive,andwaitsforyouthere?Whatifhefollowsyou?”Hewatchedherponderthesituation.“Doyouhaveaneighboryoutrust?Afriend?Abrother?”
Shelaughedonce,silently,inawistfulwaythatElididn’tunderstand.“Notquite.”
“Okay.”Henodded,experiencingtheoppositeofannoyanceatthethoughtofwhatwouldhavetohappen.“I’lldriveyouhome,then.”
Herlookwaslongandeven.Eliwonderedwhyherwide,limpideyesfeltlikeapunchtothestomach.“You’resuggestingIgetinthecarofamanIdonotknowtoavoidbeingharassedbyamanIdoknow?”
Heshrugged.“Prettymuch.”
Shebitherlowerlip.Suddenly,Eliwasmorephysicallyawareofanotherhumanbeingthanherememberedbeinginalong,longwhile.“Thankyou,butI’llhavetopass.Thepotentialforsituationalironyisabittoohigh,evenforme.”
“Idon’tthinkthisqualifiesassituationalirony.”
“Itwouldifyouturnedouttobeaserialkiller.”
Smilingwasn’tgoingtowinhimanypoints,buthecouldn’thelphimself.“Youweregoingtogoupstairstoahotelroombookedundermynameandspendhoursalonewithme.”
“Hours?”
Thewayhewasfeelingatthemoment,morethanthat.“Hours,”herepeated.Sheheldhisgazeforeveryletter.“SeemslateinthegametoworryaboutwhetherI’llmurderyou.”
“AfriendknewwhereI’dbeandhowtocheckonme,”shecountered.“Asecondlocationisawholedifferentbeast.”
“Isit?”Hehadnobusinessbeingthispleasedbyherself-preservation.
“Vincent’sadick.ButforallIknow,you’retheUnabomber.”
Vincent.Sheknewthedickhead’sname—andElistilldidn’tknowhers.Fuckingirritating.“Unabomber’sdead.”
“That’swhattheUnabomberwouldsaytothrowmeoff,”shedeadpanned,unknowable.Hecouldn’ttellwhethershewasflirting,makingfunofhim,ordeadserious.
Itwasexhilarating.
“Hemadebombsandsolvedmaththeorems.Hedidn’tkidnapyoungwomen.”
“YouknowalotabouttheUnabomberforsomeonewhosupposedlyisn’thim.”
Elilookedupattheceilingtohidehisamusement,exhalingslowly.Thenhestraightened.Tookhiswalletoutofthebackpocketofhisjeansandthedriver’slicenseoutofhiswallet.Droppeditonthecounter,rightbyherhand.
“What’sthis?”
Heleanedbackagainstthecounterwithoutreplying,andshenimblypickeditup.Hereyesshiftedbetweenhimandthepictureonthecard,asthoughsolvingaFindtheDifferencepuzzle.“EliKillgore,”sheread.“Thisisnotareassuringname,Eli.”
Hefrowned.“It’sScottish.”
“Itsoundslikethenameofsomeonewhotrimsgirls’pubesandsewsthemintodolls.Youlookyoungerthanthirty-four.Andareyoureallythattall?”Hesighedheavily,andshereturnedhislicense,straightfaced.“Sowe’veestablishedthatyourlastnameiscloselyrelatedtotheterm‘bloodsplatter.’ButIstilldon’tknowthatthisisn’tafakeIDyoumadetolurewomenintoyourmoth-decoratedlair.”
“Ibetyouthinkyou’resofunny.”
“Actually,IknowI’mnot.Iwasbornwithoutasenseofhumor.”
Hehuffedouthisamusement.Shewasfuckingwithhim,hadtobe.AndEliwasapparentlyverywillingtolethercontinue,becausehepushedhisentirewallettowardher.“Knockyourselfout.”Hewatchedeagerlyasherslimfingersopenedit,wonderingwhyherelegantmovementsseemedtobeunlockingsomekindoflong-hiddenfetishpartofhisbrain.Shebroughtittohernosetosmelltheleather(anodd,inexplicablyappealingmove),pulledoutarandomcreditcard,thenanother.
“EliMassmurderer,”shesaid.
“Notmyname.”
“Youhavealibrarycard.”Shesoundedbemused,andhecluckedhistongue.
“HereIam,tryingtohelpyououtinadifficultsituation,andyourepaymebybeingsurprisedthatIcanread.”
Shesmiled,somethingsmallandmysteriousthatshouldn’thavesentathrilluphisspine.“Ithoughtyou’dbemoreofaPlanetFitnesscardholder.”
“Notatallcondescending.”Hetriednottogrinandfailed.Butitwasokay,becauseshekeptmethodicallyriflingthroughhislifeviathewallet,stoppingtoperusethemoreinterestingpieces,oncehummingaudibly.Elifeltitlikeaphysicalthing,athrumthroughairandflesh.Likeherslenderfingerswerepeelingoutthelayersofhim,slowly,inexorably.
“Well,youdohavehealthinsurance,whichhopefullycoversthenecessaryamountofmurder-preventiontherapy,”shesaiddispassionatelybeforefoldingthewalletandhandingitbacktohimwithasolemnnod.Shegaveonelastlookatthedoors,whereVincentwasnervouslysmokingacigarette.Stillinwait.
“Thisisoneconsistentwallet.DespitethefactthatyournameisliterallyCarnagemonger.”
“Notliterally.Notfiguratively,either.”
“Regardless.”Herlipscurvedintheshadowofasmile.Elifeltitinhismarrow,wrappedaroundhisballs.“Mr.Killgore,youmaydrivemehome.”3
ItwouldhavebeenfunEli
Hisheartskippedabeat,thenthuddedhard.Hefeltoddly,foolishlylikerunningavictorylaparoundthebar.Hecurbedtheimpulseandsaid,asdrylyashecouldmuster:“Whatanhonor.”
“You’rewelcome.”Anotherunsmilingnod.Therewassomethingastonishinglyeffortlessaboutthiswoman.Likeshehadnointerestinbeinganythingbutherself.
“AmIallowedtoknowyournamenow?”
“No.”
“Figures.”Elisighedandhandedherhisunlockedphone.“Takeapictureofmydriver’slicense,textitoremailittoafriend,andthenlet’sgo.Sharemylocationwiththem,too.”
“Isthisanorder?”
Yes,andanout-of-placeoneatthat,butshedidn’tseemtooputoff.Whoeverherfriendwas,theywerecloseenoughthatshehadtheirnumbermemorized.Shesentapictureofhislicense,typedashortexplanationthatEliforcedhimselfnottopeerat,andreturnedthephone.Thenshegracefullyhoppedoffherstool.
Fuck,shewastall.Eveninflats,hereyeswereonlyahandfulofinchesbelowEli’s—and,nouseindenyingitatthispoint,rightonthevergeofspectacular.Heforcedhimselftolookaway.
“You’resoberenoughtodrive,right?”sheasked.
“Yeah.Myplansfitbetterwithsobriety.”
“Verywell.”Herwordsweresomewhatqueenly,andhisgrinwidened.
“Youknowyou’renotdoingmeafavor,right?”heasked,eventhoughshewas.WithVincentaround,hecouldn’thaveletherreturnhomealonewithoutlosingwhateverpeaceofmindhehadleft,whichwasverylittle.
Sheblinkedathimserenely,andhewasbrieflycertainthatshecouldreadhismind.Thefilthythoughtshecouldn’treinin.Thewayhersweetscentseemedtosettleinsidehisbrain.
No.Shecouldn’t,becauseshewasobviouslyrelaxedwithhim.Trustingenoughtosendhimonabitofapowertrip.Stilldifficulttodecipher,buthisguttoldhimthatshedidn’tmindprolongingtheirtimetogetheranymorethanhedid.“Comeon.Mycar’sintheparkinggarage.”
Theyavoidedthemainentrance,whereVincentwaited,andcalledtheelevator,acomfortablesilencebetweenthem.Amiddle-agedmanjoinedtheminsidethecabin,andElididnotlikethelong,clinginglookhegaveto…
Hestilldidn’tknowherdamnname.Whichmeantthathehadnorighttoscowlatsomecreepjustbecausehewaslookingathertits.Hedidanyway,andthemanmusthavefelttheaggressioncomingoffEliinwaves,becauseheabashedlyloweredhisgaze.Elifeltlikeaprimate,half-lockedinsomeridiculousdominancebattle,likethelasttwentyminuteshadregressedhimsomefiftythousandyearsofevolutionand—
Jesus.Heneededto…getthefucklaid,probably.Orsleep.Avacation.Time,that’swhatheneeded.Thepastsixmonthshadbeennothingbutexhaustionandwork,withnochancetothinkaboutanyofthis.Then,yesterday,she’dmessagedhimonanapphehadn’topenedinnearlyayear,andithadfeltlikeacosmicgift.
Acelebrationforwhathe,Hark,andMinamihadachieved.Apreludetowhatwouldcome.Tomorrow.
Hewasdeluded.Afuckingbreak,that’swhatheneeded.
“Wheredoyoulive?”heasked,steeringhertowardhiscarwithaflickofhishand.Hetriedtotouchheraslittleaspossible,butitwashardwhenshewastheonedriftingcloser.Hershoulderbrushedhisarm,andthespotfeltelectric,itchyeventhroughhisclothes.Thecoolairoftheundergroundlotwasawelcomedistraction.
“IcanputtheaddressinyourGPS—”
“Canyoupleaselistentomeforoneminute?”someonecalled,andwhentheyturnedback,Vincentwasrunningtowardthemacrosstheemptyparkinglot.“Youcan’tmakethisdecisionforthebothofus,andIjustneedyouto—”
“Gohome,Vince,”shesaid.
Vincestopped.Thenstartedagainintheirdirection,hisgaitmoremenacing.“No,notuntilyoulistentome—”
“Ihavelistened.AndI’veaskedyouforafewdayssoIcanthinkitthrough.”
“You’rebeingabitch,asalways—”
Elihadheardenough,andsteppedinfrontofthewoman.“Hey.Apologizeandgetlost.”
“Oh,forfuck’ssake.”Vinceglowered.“Thishasnothingtodowithyou.”
Eliwasn’tsosure.Heunlockedhiscarremotely,tossingthewomanhiskeys.Shecaughtthemwithouthesitation.“Getinthepassengerseat.I’llbewithyouinasecond.”
Shedidn’tmove,insteadstaringatEliwithanexpressionthathecouldonlydefineascrestfallen.Afteralongmoment,herlipsparted.Don’thurthim,shemouthed.
Eligroundhisteeth,wonderinghowthislosercouldhavethismuchpoweroverher.Howhe’dgottensomeonelikeherinthefirstplace.Buthenodded,watchedherdisappearinsidehiscar,andturnedtoVincent.
Hewastall,too,andwideshouldered,evenifnotasmuchasEli.Still,hemusthaveseensomethinginEli’seyes,becausehisfirstreactionwastotakeastepback.Then,oncehisspinemetapilaster,toflattenhimselfagainstit.
“Youneedtostopbotheringwomenwhoaskyoutofuckoff,Vincent,”Elisaid.Amiably,hethought.Hewasbeingadamngentlemanaboutthis.
“Youhavenoideawhatshe—”
HesteppedcloseenoughforVincent’sboozysmelltohithim.“Itdoesn’tmatter,”hesaidcalmly.Don’thurthim,she’dasked,butgod,Eliwastempted.“Youcanwalkawaynowonyourown,orIcanmakeyou.Yourchoice.”
Vincentdidn’ttakelongtodeliberate.Withacoupleofcursewords,hescurriedaway,jumpilyturningeveryfewsteps,alwaysfindingElistaringathim.Oncehe’ddisappeared,Elifoundthewomanwasinthepassengerseatofhiscar,handsinherlap.
Rosie,maybe.Rosamundwouldfither,too.
“Wheredidyousayyoulive?”
Sheliftedhereyesbutdidn’treply.“I’msurprised.”Shelookedaround,andhecouldsmellhersointensely,hehadtogetagrip.Skinandflowersandfabricsoftener.Itwaswellpastgood,straightintodangerousterritory.“Ididn’tpegyouforahybridkindofguy.”
Hesnortedandstartedtheengine.“Don’tsaywhatyoudidpegmefor.”
“AMustang,maybe.”
“Jesus.”Hewipedahandoverhisface.
“OraTesla.”
“Getthefuckout.You’rewalkinghome.”
Shelaughedonce,lowinherthroat,andthesoundmadehimfeeldizzyandpowerfulandaccomplished.Shewassafeinhiscar,makingjokes.Notonhighalertasshe’dbeenearlier.Shewaslettinghimtakecareofher.
Hejustneededtostopnoticinghowcloseshewas.
“Here.”Hehandedherhisphone.“Putyouraddressin.”
“It’slocked.I’llneedyourpassword.”
Heturnedtotellherandforgottospeak.Herhaircut,herealized,wasmoreelaboratethanhe’doriginallythought.Itwascroppedclosetotheskullforacoupleofinchesaroundherleftear.Pretty.He’dhavetoaskMinamiwhatthestylewascalled.
“Areyouembarrassedbecauseit’sastringofsixty-nines?”
Hismindtookabrusque,inappropriate,sexualturn.Unavoidable,too.He’dbeenontheedgeofitforawhile,anditwasgettinghardertoleashitback.“Twosevenoneeighttwoeight.”
“YourpasswordisEuler’snumber?”
Theyexchangedasurprised,plane-tiltinglook.Liketheywereonlyjustnowmeeting.
“Areyouascientist?”sheasked,suddenlycurious,anditwasthefirsttimehecouldperceivethiskindofinterestinhimonherpart.She’daskedtousehisbodyandvolunteeredhersinexchange,she’dgonethroughhisdocumentswiththeefficiencyofaDMVclerk,butshehadnotconsideredhimbeyondthehereandnow.
Untilthismoment.
“IfIsayyes,willyoutakeitasproofthatI’mtheUnabomber?”
Shesmiled.Alittlewiderthanbefore.
“I’mnotascientist,”headmitted,loathtodisappointher.Butitwasthehonest,ifpainful,answer.“Ijuststudiedscienceforabit.”
“Aminorincollege?”
“Somethinglikethat.”Nopointinbringinguptherest.
“Whatdoyoudo,then?”
“Boringmoneystuff.”
“Isee.”Shedidn’tseemdisappointed.Shewasstilllookingathim,searching.Itwasintoxicating,havinghereyesonhim.Herattentionfeltmorepreciousthangold,stocks,marketcrashpredictions.
“Areyouascientist?”
Shenodded.
“Whatkind?”
“Engineer.”Hepulledoutofthelot,thenturnedtoherwhenthesoftweightofherhandsettledonhisforearm,asuddenshockofwarmthintheblowoftheAC.
Fuck.Just—fuck
“Thankyou,”shesaidsimply.Shesoundedserious,asusual.Sincere.
“FornotbeingaTeslaowner?”
Sheshookherhead.“Forbeingkind.”
Hewasn’tkind.NoonekindwouldwakeuptomorrowanddowhatEliwasgoingto,relishingeverymomentofit.Butitfeltnicetohaveherthinkso.
“Andforcaring,Iguess.”
Therewassomethinglostinhertone.SomethingthatmadeEli’svoiceroughashetoldher,“Youshouldcalltheauthorities,tellthemwhathappenedtonight.Takeoutarestrainingorder.”
Sheclosedhereyes,leaningbackagainsttheheadrest—asignofdeeptrustifhe’deverseenone.Elistudiedherslenderthroat,imaginedburyinghisfaceinit,thenremindedhimselfthathewasabouttomergeintotraffic.
Eyes.On.The.Road
“It’sforyoursafety,”headded.
“It’scomplicated.”
“Idon’tdoubtit.Butevenifyoutwohavekidstogether,oryou’remarried,itdoesn’tchangethathecouldbeverydangerous—”
“He’smybrother,”shesaid.
Eliwinced.“Shit.”
“Yeah.”Sheturnedtowardthepassingstreetlights.“Shit.”
Theresemblancewasthere,nowthatheknewtolookforit.Theheight.Thenear-blackhair.Theeyecolorwasdifferent,butnottheshape.“Shit,”herepeated.
“He’snotalwayslikethis.Butwhenhedrinks…well.Yousaw.”
“Idid.”
“Idon’tthinkhewouldactuallyhurtme.”
“Youdon’tthink?Notgoodenough.”
“No.”Shebittheinsideofhercheek.“My…ourfather,ourestrangedfather,diedafewmonthsago.HeleftusasmallcabininIndiana,ofallplaces—wedidn’tevenknowhelivedthere.Wedisagreeonwhattodowithit.”HerheadrolledtowardEli.Theywereallalone,anditwasdisarming,howateasesheseemed.“Areyouboredyet?”
“No.”
Hersmilewasdim.“It’snoteasytosaynotosomeonewhosharesfiftypercentofyourgenes.”
“Iknow.”
“Youdo?”
Henoddedonce.
“Brother?”
“Sister.Nopublicharassment,butshe’salwaysfoundhighlycreativewaystodrivemenuts.”
“Suchas?”
ElithoughtaboutteenageMaya,screamingathimthathewasruiningherlifeandshewishedhe’dbeentheonetodie.Grabbingfistfulsofhisshirtandsoakingthecottonafterbeingstoodupforhomecoming.Pokinghernosethroughhisthingsbecauseshewas“lookingforbatteries,”thenfollowinghimaroundthekitchentocriticizehischoiceofcondomsandlube.Bitchingathimonthephonethathealwaysleftheralone,thathemightaswellhavelethergointofostercare—andthenlashingoutwheneverhe’dtriedtospendtimewithher.“Siblingscanbehard.”
“I’msureVincentwouldagree.”
“I’mnotsureVincenthasanyrighttoagree.”
Shewassilentforalongbeat.ButwhenElithoughtthatwastheendoftheconversation,shesaiddully,“Oneday,whenwewerestillkids,hewaslatecominghomefromafriend’splace.Iwaitedforhim,worriedoutofmymind,forone,two,threehours.Wonderedifhe’dbeenrunover,orsomething.Eventuallyhedidreturnhome,butinsteadofbeingrelieved,whenIsawhimintheentryway,Ithought,‘Mylifewouldbesomucheasierifhe’djustdisappeared.’?”
Heturnedtomeethereyes.Foundabemusedexpressioninthem,asthoughshe’dsurprisedherselfbydivulgingsomethingthatwasclearlyasourceofdeepshame.Andhesurprisedhimselfbysaying,“Whenmysisterwasborn,myparentskeptsayinghowperfectshewas,andIwassoresentful,Irefusedtoevenlookatherforweeks.”
Therewerenoplatitudes,noraisedeyebrows,noattemptstosoftenwhathe’djustsaid.Shejuststudiedhimwiththesamelackofjudgmenthe’dreservedforher,asthoughhehadn’tjustsharedthemostfuckedupofstories,untilheglancedaway.Hedidn’tevenknowhername,andhe’dspilledaboutsomethinghe’dneveracknowledgedbefore,noteventohisclosestfriends.
Probablybecausehedidn’tknowhername.
“Howdoyouthinkyourbrotherfoundoutyouraddress?”heasked,mostlytoshutdownwhateverthatexchangehadbeen.Ananomaly.Hadtobe.
“Online?”
“Well,fuck.”Heturnedright,headingforNorthAustin—thesameroadhe’dtaketomorrowmorning.Hewasgoingtodriveitthinkingaboutherinsteadofthedayahead,hejustknewit.Thisgirl,shewasgoingtostickaround,evenifonlyinhishead.
“Right.Fuck.”Shediditagain—leanedbackagainsttheseat,closedhereyes—andthistimehetookadvantageandlethisgazeroamoverher.Herlong,longlegs.Herfullchest.Thebeautiful,roundedcurveofherear.Therewassomethingjagged,sharp-edgedaboutherpersonality,butherbodywassoft.Histype,really,ifheevenhadone.
Ifithadn’tbeenforherbrother,hecouldhaveknownforsure.Whatafuckingpity.
“Howoldareyou?”heaskedtodistracthimself.
“Sixyears,twomonths,andfivedaysyoungerthanyou,”shesaidwithoutmissingabeat.
“Nice.Didyoualsomemorizemysocialsecuritynumber?”
“Youshouldinvestinsomeidentitytheftprotectionbeforeyoufindout.”
“Iwill,ifyoutakeoutarestrainingorderagainstyourbrother.”Therehewasagain.Glaringlyoverstepping.“Ifyoubelievehewon’thurtyoutogetwhathewants,youaretootrusting.”
“Ithinkyouaretootrusting.”
“Me?”
“Yes.HasitoccurredtoyouthatIcouldbetheserialkiller?Righthere,inyourcar.”
Elilookedatheragain.Hersmilewasfaint,hereyesstillclosed.Hewantedtorunhisknucklesagainsthercheekbones.“I’lltakemychances.”
“Withsomegirlwho’sluringyoutoasecondlocationandnevereventoldyouhername.”
Robin?No,didn’tsuither.AndEliwasstartingtowonderifignorancewasbest.Thelessheknew,thevaguerandfuzziersheremainedinhisimagination,thequickerhe’dstopthinkingabouther.Andyet:“Tellme,then.”
“It’sthethirdtimeyouasked.”
“It’sthethirdtimeyoudidn’tanswer.Doyouthinkthetwothingsmightbeconnected?”
Shepressedherlipstogether—really,hemightjusthaveconjuredthem.Theyweresomethingoutofsomeextremelyluriddreamshe’dhadwhenhewasveryyoungandveryhormonal.“Ithinkitwouldhavebeenfun,”shesaid,alittlemelancholic.
“What?”
“Tonight.Youandme.”
Eli’sbloodthuddedinhisveins—once,loud,violent.WhenheglancedattheGPS,theirdestinationwasthreeminutesaway.Hesloweddowntowellbelowthelimit,suddenlyascrupulousdriver.“Yeah?”
“Youseemlikeyou’dknowwhatyou’redoing.”
Oh,youhavenofuckingidea.Westillhavetime.Icanbegentle.Ornot.Icouldbelotsofthingsifyou—
Jesus.She’djustbeenmanhandledbyherbrother.Hewasdisgusting.“Maybeyou’reoverestimatingme.”Eventhough,no.He’dhavemadesureshehadfun.Andhadfunhimselfintheprocess.
“IthinkI’mjustestimatingmyselfcorrectly.”Asmallsmile.“I’mtheonewhomessagedyou,afterall.”
Hewasstartingtowishshehadn’t.Itwasdestabilizing,allofthis—atatimewhenallheneededwashisfeetfirmlyontheground.“Whydidyoudothat,anyway?”
“Iappreciatedthatyourphotowasn’tagymselfie,oryoudoingthepeacesignnexttoasedatedtiger.”
“Iseethebarisunderground.”Hetriedtorememberwhathispicturewas.SomethingfromMinami,probably.ShewasalwaystakingcandidsofhimandHark.Forthewebsite.Somuchbetterthanthesmarmysuits-and-tiesshitinourcurrentphotos.
“Yourprofilesaidyouhadn’tbeenactiveforawhile.Ifiguredyou’deithersettleddownandfoundsomeone,oryouwereoverdue.Didyou?”
“DidIwhat?”
“Findsomeone?”Shesounded…notprurientlycurious,butatleastinterested,andElihadtoremindhimselfnottosqueezeanyhopeoutofit.Hopeforwhat,anyway?Itwasn’tlikehewasinthemarketforagirlfriend.He’dfailedabysmallyatthat.
Noteveryonehasthecapacityforlove,Eli.
“No.Whataboutyou?Youwrote‘norepeats’onyourprofile.”
“Idid,”sheconfirmed,anddamnherforthishabitofhersnottoofferanyexplanations.Damnherfornotlivingfartheraway.Thereitwas,herapartmentcomplex.Hegrippedthesteeringwheel,awarethathecouldn’tgoanyslowerwithoutgettingpulledover.
“Isitaruleofyours?”
Shenodded,unperturbed.
“Seemsarbitrary,”hesaidcasuallywhileparking.Seemslikewhat’sstandingbetweenmeandyouhavingafuckingspectaculartime
“Allrulesexistforareason.”
Hekilledtheengineandorderedhimselftoletitgo.Itwasn’tgoodforeitherofthem,talkingaboutsomethingthatwasn’tgoingtohappen.“Comeon.I’llwalkyouinside,justincaseyourbrother’swaitingaround.”
ButVincenthadgivenuponher,atleastforthenight.Nocarhadfollowedthem.
ItwaslateMayanditwasTexas,whichmeantinstant,oppressiveheat,evenatnight.Eliwaspleasedtoseeadoormaninthelobby,onewhodidn’tlookjustburlyandalert,butalsohighlysuspiciousofEli.That’stheattitude,hethought,noddingathim,makingamentalnotetolethimknowthesituationonhiswayback.
“YouknowI’mnotgoingtoinviteyouinside,right?”sheaskedwhentheystoppedinfrontofherapartment.
Elihadhadamyriadofhighlyinappropriatethoughtsinthepasttwentyminutes,butthisspecificonehadn’tevengrazedhisbrain.“I’llleaveonceyou’reinsideandIhearyoulockyourdoor.Andyoushouldputyourphoneinrice,”headded,wonderingwhatthefuckhadcomeoverhim.Amonghisfriends,hewasfamousforbeingtheeasygoingone.Laidback.Neverlikethis,intrusive,commanding—notevenwithhissister.ProbablybecauseMayawouldhaveguillotinedhim.
Butthiswomanonlyseemedfaintlyamused.Sheregardedhimwiththatplacid,sphinxlikeexpressionthatEliwasalreadygettingusedto,andtookastepcloser—onethathadhisheartpumpinglouderandfasterfornoreason,sinceallshesaidwas“Thankyou.Ireallyappreciatewhatyoudidformetonight.”
“Itwasthebareminimum.”Notagoodtimetotellherhewasconsideringsleepingoutsideinhiscarjusttointerceptheridiotbrother.
Fuckingnuts.Washedevelopingacrush?Hehadn’tevenknownhewascapableofit.
“Itwasnot.”Herkeychainsjingledinherpalm.Asparklyiceskateshoe,oneofthoseflashlightandpencombinations,asupermarketloyaltycardwithH-E-Bprintedontheback.Hehadtheverysameone.“Youarekind.AndIfindyouveryattractive.”
Eli’sbrainblankedforasplitsecond.Hewasn’tshy,notbyanymeans,buthecouldn’trememberthelasttimesomeonehadcomplimentedhimthatmatter-of-factly.Shehadthatsomberlookinhereyesandnoguilewhatsoever,andhewashalf-smitten.
Heneededtogetthehellhome.
“Thatseemsbesidethepoint,”hesaid,notlikingthegravelofhisvoice.
“Doesit?”
“Sinceyouneverdorepeats.Isn’tthatyourrule?”
Shewaspensiveforamoment.“You’reright.Then,it’sfarewell.”
Itwas.Unavoidably.ButbeforeElicouldremindheroncemoretobesafe,shedidsomethingassimpleasitwasunexpected:shetookanotherstepintohim,roseontiptoes,andplacedasoftkissonhischeek.
Ofitsownvolition,Eli’shandrosetoholdherwaist,andthatnearimperceptibletouchblossomedintosomethingexponential.
Possibilities.
Current.
Warmth.
Herscentenvelopedhim.Theworldshranktothemandnothingelse.Eliturnedhishead,curioustoseewhathe’dfindonherfaceinresponsetoallthiselectricity.Shebrieflyheldhiseyes,thenclosedthedistancebetweentheirmouths.
Itbarelyconstitutedakiss.Herlipspressedagainsthisintheslightestofcontacts,buthisbodywasaflame.Asurgeofheatcoursedthroughhim,violentandsudden.Elitriedtorememberthelasttimehe’dfeltanythingapproachingthis,andcameupemptyhanded.Butitdidn’tmatter,becauseherfingersfoundhis,andhewasdizzy,lightheadedwithallthethingshewasimagining.
Hecouldtakeher.Abscondwithher.Pressherbackagainstthedoorofherhome,tuckedunderhisbiggerbody.Hecouldshowherhowbeautifulshewastohimand—
“Although,itoccurstome,”shemurmuredagainsthismouth,breakingthespiralofhisthoughts,“thatrulesexistforareason.”
Shetookastepback.Eliwasentranced.Herservant.Spellbound.Heconsideredbegginghertolethimtouchher.Tolethimgodownonherhereinthehallway.HewouldgogroceryshoppingandmakeherdinneroffaYouTuberecipeofherchoice.He’dwashhercar,readherabook,sithereoutsideherdoorandjustmakesureshewassafeandprotected.Theycouldholdhandsallnight.TheycouldplayScrabble.Hewasveryclosetoimploringforsomething,everything,anything,whensheadded,“Andsometimesthereasonisthattheyshouldbebroken.”
Herfingerswerestillaroundhis,thumbstrokinghispalm,butElicouldnottearhiseyesfromhers.Thatwarm,sinkingblue.Herhands,coolagainsthis.Herdamnskin,hethought.Itwassoft.Hecoulddoalottoherskin.Herskincoulddoalotforhim.Hewantedtoseeitflushandreddenandbruiseforamilliondifferentreasons.Hewantedtodefileit.
“Goodnight,Eli.”Herfull,beautiful,obscenelipscurvedintoonelastsmile,andbeforeanyamountofoxygenatedbloodcouldreturntohisbrain,shewasgone.ThedullgrayofherdoorclosedinEli’sface,andallthatwasleftinthedimlylithallwaywashercleanscent,theheatofherlipsonhisflesh,andhisraginghard-on.
Heheardtheclickofthelockandtookavacillatingstepback,disoriented,wonderingwhatthefuckthiswomanhaddonetohim.Thenthecoolairofthenighthithishand,andhefinallyloweredhiseyes.
Whilehe’dbeendrowninginher,busyunspoolingthefilthiestofthoughts,shemusthavebeenatwork,becausethereweretendigitswrittenonhispalm—justenoughforaphonenumber.
Andunderneath,threelettersthatknockedthebreathoutofhischest.
Rue.4
NotenemiesRue
“TherearetwomainreasonsIcalledthismeeting,”FlorenceKlinesaid,andifshewasinthegripofevenatenthofthepanicheremployeesseemedtobeexperiencing,noonewouldhavebeenabletoguess.
Thenagain,Florencewaslikethat.Steelnerved.Yes-can-do.Indomitable.Arisingtide.I’dneverseenherdoubtherself,andnoprivateequityfirmcouldforcehertostart.
“Thefirstistoreassureallofyouthatyourjobsaresafe.”
Murmursofreliefscrambledaroundtheroomlikeantsinsugar,butmanyremainedunconvinced.
“Therearenoplansofreshuffling.IamstilltheCEOofthiscompany,theboardremainsunchanged,andsodoesyouremploymentsituation.Ifyou’renotpocketingprinterink,youcanexpectyourprofessionallifetoremainconstant.”
Thathadmostpeoplelaughing.Anditwas,inanutshell,thereasonFlorenceKlinehadbuiltasuccessfulcompanyinjustafewyears.Beingtheinventorofapromisingbiofuelmadeheranoutstandingscientist,butFlorencewasmorethanthat.Florencewasaleader
Aswellasoneofmyclosestfriends.WhichmeantthatIknewhertellswellenoughtodoubtmostofthewordscurrentlyflowingoutofhermouth.
“Second:therepresentativesfromHarkness,ournewlender,arenotenemies.Harknesshasalonghistoryofupliftingtechandhealthcarestartups,andthat’swhythey’rehere.Theirobjectiveis,ofcourse,toconductduediligenceandmakesurethattheirfinancialinterestsaremet,butourwork—yourwork—hasalwaysbeenimpeccable.They’llbesettingupmeetingswithsomeofyou,andyoushouldmakethemyourpriority.AndIwanttomakesurethatyourecognizethemifyouseethemaround:Dr.MinamiOka,Dr.SullivanJensen,Mr.EliKillgore,andMr.Conor…”
“Rue?”Tishaaskedinalowwhisper.
Ididn’treply,butshecontinuedanyway.
“Thatdriver’slicenseyousentlastnight?”
Inodded.Thefloorbeneathmyfeetwasgone,droppedtothecoreoftheearth.Iwasslidingrightthroughit,andnothingwasgoingtobreakmyfall.
“Thepicofthatguy…hisface.”
Inoddedagain.Itwas,undeniably,amemorableface.Striking.Attractive,I’dtoldhim,meaningit.Short,wavy—no,curlyhair,justthissideoftoowild.Squarejaw.Strong,aquilinenosethatsatsomewherebetweentheRomanandGreekcivilizations,deepintheAdriatic.Longvowelsandtheoccasionaldroppedconsonant.
“Andhisname.Killgore.”
I’dteasedhimaboutthat,andithadfeltlikeafirst.Jokingaroundwithpeoplerequiredadegreeofeasethatusuallytookmedecadestoreach,butwithEliithadbeensimple,fornoreasonthatIcoulddiscern.
Hewasjustsomeordinaryman,andlastnighthe’dexudedthesameenergyhedidnow:niceguy,radicallyunafraid,fundamentallycomfortablewithhimselfandothers.He’dkeptitwellintoourcarride,thatunsettlingcalm.Meanwhile,I’dbeenbarelyabletotearmyeyesfromhim,myhandsshakingasIsteppedintothecircleofhiswarm,woodsyscenttowritemynumberonhispalm.
“Thatmanonthestage.It’shim,right?”
Inoddedonelasttime,unabletospeak.
“Okay.Yeah.Wow.”Tishamadetomassagehereyes,thenrememberedherelaboratemakeup.“That’squitea…Ibelievethescientificwordforitis‘coinkydink.’?”
Isit?Coulditbe?Acidroseinmythroat,becauseIwasn’tsurecoincidencesofthismagnitudeexisted.HadEliknownwhoIwas?WhereIworked?Istared,hopingananswerwouldappearonhisface.Hewaswearingglassestoday.Darkrimmed.ThemostridiculousofClarkKent’sdisguises.
“Ican’tbelievetheysentfourlenderrepresentatives,”Jaysaid,breakingthroughthefoginmybrain.
Iturnedtohim,dazed.“Isthatweird?”
“Theydon’tevenownusyet,dothey?Itseemslikealotofresourcestoexpendonacompanytheyhaven’tevenacquired,but”—heshrugged—“whatdoIknow?I’mjustahumblecountrylabtechnician.”
“YouwereborninLisbonandhaveamaster’sdegreefromNYU,”Tishapointedout.“Maybetheyjustliketotraveltogether,entourage-style.ShareanomeletchefandaCVScard.”
“Arethefour…aretheyallemployedbytheprivateequity?”Iasked.
“IjustlookeduptheHarknesswebsite—theyarethefoundingpartners.Iunderstandthattheywanttosendsomeonetocheckonwhetherthecovenantsarebeingmet—”
“Thewhatnow?”Tishasoundeddonewiththisfuckingday.Icouldvigorouslyrelate.
“Youknow,thosepromisesyoumakewhenyousignacontract?Theygiveusthemoney;inexchangewedeliverapartridgeinapeartree?Whyarethepartnershere,though?WhynotsendaVP?IsKlinethatbigadealforthem?Itjustsoundsabitsus.”
TishaandIexchangedalong,heavyglance.
“WeneedtotalktoFlorence,”Iwhispered.“Inprivate.”
“Doyoustillhavethekeystoheroffice?Fromherbirthday,whenwestuffeditwiththose‘you’reoldasshit’balloons?”
Istood.“Ido.”
“Great.Jay,seeyoulater.”
“IfIdon’tgetfired,andlosemyvisa,andendupdeportedoutofthecountry.”
“Yeah.”Tishawavedhimgoodbye.“Trynottowalkintothesea,okay?”
WelefttheroomjustasFlorenceinvitedeveryonetokeepcalmandreturntotheirworkplaces.
Ithadallstartedwithfermentation.Which,admittedly,wasaless-than-enthrallingtopic—evenforsomeonelikeme,witharelentlesspassionforchemicalengineeringandanunwieldyinterestintheproductionofethanol.Still,acoupleofboringchemicalreactionshadchangedthetrajectoryoffoodmicrobiology,andFlorenceKlinewasthepersonwhogotcreditforthat.
Lessthanadecadeearlier,FlorencehadbeenaprofessoratUTAustinwithareally,reallygoodideaforhowtoperfectaprocessthatcouldcheaplyconvertfoodwasteintobiofuelsonamassscale.Becauseshewasafacultymember,UT’slabshadbeenatherdisposal,butFlorencehadknownthatanysortofdiscoverymadeoncampusgrounds,usingcampusresources,wouldendintheuniversityowningtheresultingpatent.AndFlorencewasnotaboutthat.
Soshe’drentedlabspaceatanearbyfacility.She’ddoneherownwork.She’dfiledherownpatent,andfoundedherowncompany.Othershadtrickledinlater:privategrants,angelinvestors,venturecapitalists,ahandful,thendozens,thenhundredsofemployees.Thecompanyhadexpanded,perfectedFlorence’srevolutionarytech,andbroughtittomarket.
Then,aboutfouryearsago,I’djumpedonboard.
FlorenceandIbothlivedinAustinatthetime,butbyaflukeoffatewefirstmetinChicago,attheannualconferenceoftheSocietyforFoodTechnology.Iwasdutifullystandingbymyposter,wearingafrumpycardiganandapairofTisha’sslacksthatdugtootightlyintomywaist,andwasboredoutofmymind.
Alone.
Theacademicnetworkinggamerequiredahealthynumberofinterpersonalgraces,ofwhichIhadnone.Infact,bythetimeIreachedgradschool,I’dbeensetinmywaysforoveradecade—waysthatentailedconcealingmyshyness,self-consciousness,andgeneralinabilitytoofferrewardingsocialinteractionstoanotherhumanbeing,mostlybehindastandoffishfacade.Butpeoplewerehard—toread,tounderstand,toplease.Atsomepointinmyyouth,withoutquitemeaningtodoso,I’dgonefrombeingincapableofcarryingoutaconversationtocomingacrossasthoughIdidnotwanttobeapproachedforconversation,notever,notbyanyoneandnotunderanycircumstances.Istillrememberedthedayinmiddleschoolwhentherealizationdawnedonme:Ifpeopleperceivedmeasaloofanddetached,thentheywouldwanttokeeptheirdistance.Andiftheykepttheirdistance,thentheywouldn’tnoticehownervousandblunderingandinadequateIwas.
Anetwin,inmyhumbleopinion.Aformofmasking,inmytherapist’sprofessionalone.ShethoughtIwashidingmyrealselfandsquashingdownmyfeelingslikejumbomarshmallows,butithadbeensodamnlong,Iwasn’tsosuretherewasanythingtohideinsideme.ThedisconnectIconstantlyfelttowardtherestoftheworldwasunlikelytogoanywhere,andwhetheritwasrealornot,itshroudedmewithacomfortingsenseofsecurity.
Itdid,however,havesomedownsides.Forinstance,peopleweren’texactlylininguptohangoutwithme,whichinChicagohadmadeforafairlysolitary,tediousconference.Itdidn’thelpthatI’dfirmlyrefusedtochangemypresentationtitle(“AGasChromatographyandMassSpectrometryInvestigationoftheEffectofThreePolysaccharide-BasedCoatingsontheMinimizationofPostharvestLossofHorticulturalCrops”)tomyadviser’spreferred“ThreeMicrobesinaTrenchCoat:UsingPolysaccharidestoKeepYourProduceFresher,Longer,”ormycoauthor’ssuggestion,“TakeaCoat,It’llLastLonger,”orTisha’sappalling“IfYouLikedIt,ThenYouShouldHavePutaCoatonIt”
Iknewthatsciencecommunicationwasanimportantjob,crucialtobuildingpublictrustandinformingawidearrayofpolicies,butitwasn’tmyjob.Ihadnotalentforenticingpeopletocareaboutmywork:eithertheysawitsvalue,ortheywerewrong.
Unfortunately,theoverwhelmingmajorityappearedtobewrong.I’dbeendozingofffromboredomandconsideringduckingoutearlywhenawomanstoppedbymyposter.Shewasmuchshorter,andyetimposing.Becauseofherassertiveair,ormaybejustthesheermassofherredcurls.
“Tellmemoreaboutthismicrobialcoating,”shesaid.Hervoicewasdeep,olderthanherlooks.Sheaskedmanypertinentquestions,wasimpressedatalltherightparts,andonceIwasdonewithmyspielshesaid,“Thisisabrilliantstudy.”
Ialreadyknewthat,soIwasn’tparticularlyflattered,butIthankedheranyway.
“You’rewelcome.Mynameis—”
“FlorenceKline.”
Florencesmiled.“Right.Ikeepforgettingthatwe’rewearingnametags,and…”Shelookeddownatherself,wheretherewasnolanyard.Notag.Noname.Thenbackuptome.“Howdidyouknow?”
“I’vereaduponyou.Well,onyourpatentsaga.”
“Mypatentsaga.”
IhadnoideawhetherFlorence’scasehadbeenlegitimatelyhighprofileorjustfeltsobecauseofthecirclesinwhichImoved,butthefactsweresimple:Despitetheincontrovertibleproofthatshehadindependentlydevelopedthebiofueltech,UTstillclaimedownershipofher(verylucrative)patent.Lawyershadgotteninvolved,whichwouldhaveheavilytiltedthescaleinfavoroftheuniversity,butFlorencehadbeenabletoturnthingsaroundbybringingthemattertothemedia.
IwasnoPRstrategist,butitwasobviousthattheframinghadbeenbrilliant:awoman,afemalescientist,wasbeingstrippedofherlife’sworkandintellectualpropertybysomegreedyTexasbureaucrats.Thenewshadpickedupsteam,andUThadbacktrackedfasterthanayo-yo.
“Youwereabletomaintainownershipofwhatyoucreated,”ItoldFlorence,truthful.“Ithoughtitwasveryimpressive.”
“Right.Well,that’snice.”Sheseemedtobewonderingwhethershewasbeingpatronizedbyagradstudentnobodywhowasclearlywearingsomeoneelse’stoo-smallpants,soIdidn’tmentionthatIwouldhaveknownaboutFlorenceevensanspatentscandal,becausehernamewasbroughtupofteninUT’schemicalengineeringdepartment,usuallyinthehushedtonesreservedforthosewhoweredeeplyresentedformanagingtofreethemselvesfromtheruthlessacademicclutchesofteachingBiophysics101everythirdsemester.
“Youseemlikeagreatscientist,”Florencesaid.“Ifyouapplyforjobs,doconsiderKline.”
Ithoughtaboutitforahandfulofseconds,butdismissedtheidea.“Biofuelisnotreallymyareaofinterest.”
“Whatisyourareaofinterest?”
“Shelflifeextension.”
“Well,it’sprettycloselyrelated.”
“NotasmuchasI’dlike.”Isoundedinflexibleandstubborn,andIknewthat.ButIalsoknewwhatmyendgamewas,andcouldseenovalueinpretendingthatnonnegotiablethingswereupfordebate.
Compromisewasnevermyforte.
“Isee.Wanttostayinacademia?”
“No.I’dliketodosomethingthat’sactuallyuseful,”Isaidsolemnly,withaself-importanceI’dmanagetoshakeoffinthesecondhalfofmytwenties,butwhosememorywillmakemecringewellintomyeighties.
Florence,however,laughedandhandedmeacard.“Ifyou’reeverlookingforaninternship,apaidinternship,shootmeanemail.I’dbeopentohearingaboutyourprojectideas.”
Ihadgrownuppoor,poorinawaythatmeantducttapeonskinnedkneesandtheflavorofketchupontoastandprayersthatI’dsoonstopgettingsotall,becauseI’dreachedtheendofmyhand-me-downs.ThankstoscholarshipsandmyPhDstipend,I’drecentlygraduatedfrompoortobroke,whichwasdownrightinebriating,butIstillwasn’tthetypetoturndownmoney.
Thatsummer,IdidshootFlorenceanemail.AndIdidbeginaninternshipatKline,andthenanother,andafewmore.Iworkedinresearchanddevelopment,manufacturing,qualityassurance,evenlogistics.Aboveall,IworkedwithFlorence,whichturnedouttobelifealteringinthebestpossibleway.
Beforeher,allofmymentorshadbeenmen—someofthemgreat,supportive,brilliantmenwho’dmademeintothescientistI’dbecome.ButFlorencewasdifferent.Somethingclosertoafriend,orabrilliantoldersisterwhocouldanswermyreactionkineticsquestions,patmybackwhenmyexperimentsdidn’tworkout,andlater,onceI’dgraduated,providemewiththemeanstodothekindofworkIwanted.Ididn’tfuckwithemotions,notifIcouldavoidit,butitdidn’ttakeatherapistandmonthsofnavel-gazingtoteaseoutwhatIfeltforFlorence:gratitude,admiration,love,andquiteabitofprotectiveness.
WhichwaswhyIabsolutelyloathedthedeeplinesthathalvedherforeheadwhenshewalkedintoheroffice.
“Shitonatit!”Florenceclutchedherchest,startled.Afteracalmingbreath,sheeyeduswithanindulgentexpression:thewayI’dhelpedmyselftoherorthopedicchair,andTisha’senthusiasticmouthshovelingofthepeanutbutterpretzelsonherdesk.“Why,don’tbeshy.Makeyourselvesathome.Breakyourbread.”
“They’renotevengood,”Tishasaid,scarfingdowntwomore.
Florenceclosedthedoorandsmiledwryly.“Thankyouforyoursacrifice,then.”
“Anythingforyou,myliege.”
“Inthatcase,couldIbotheryoutokeyacoupleofpeople’scars?”Shedroppedhertabletonthedeskandmassagedherbloodshoteyes.Shewasyoungforthesizeofhersuccess,barelyinherforties,andtendedtolookevenyounger.Nottoday,though.“TowhatdoIowethepleasure?”Itwasclearthatshewaspleasedtoseeus.
“Seemedlikeyoumightbehavingashitday,soweletourselvesin.”Tisha’sblindingsmiledisplayednoshame.
“Idoloveapityvisit.”
“Whataboutreconvisits?”Tishalaidherchinonherhands.“Alsoafanofthose?”
Florencesighed.“Whatdoyouguyswanttoknow?”
“Somuch.Forinstance,whothehellarethoseHarknesspeople,andwhatthehelldotheywant?”
Florenceglancedbacktomakesurethedoorwasclosed.Thenexhaledslowly.“FuckmeifIknow.”
“Anticlimactic.AndabitlessinformativethanIexpected.Wait,Iknowthatlook.Fuckyouifyouknow,but…?”
“WhatIsaydoesn’tleavethisroom.”
“Ofcourse.”
“I’mserious.Ifanyonehearsofthis,they’llpanic—”
“Florence,”Iinterrupted,“whowouldweeventell?”
Sheseemedtobrieflyconsiderourlackofmeaningfulrelationshipsandthennoddedreluctantly.“Asyouknow,theyboughtourloan.NeithertheboardnorIhadanysayinthesale,andHarknessonlyeverinteractedwiththelender.Weonlycommunicatethroughlawyers.”Shesighed.“Accordingtolegal,themostlikelycaseisthatHarknessboughttheloanbecausetheywantfullcontrolofthefermentationtech.”
“Thetechisyours,though.”Iscowled.“Theycouldtakethecompany,butnotthepatent,right?”
“Unfortunately,Rue,thetechisthecompany.Moreaccurately,thepatentispartofthecollateralfortheloan.”Shegrabbedoneofthechairsandtookaseat.“Theproblemis,wheneverweborrowfundstoexpandouroperations,wehavetomakecertainpromises.”
“Ofcourse.Thecovenants,”Tishasaidwiththetoneofsomeonewho’dappearedongod’sgreenearthwithageneticknowledgeofthemyriadfacetsofbankruptcylawandhadnotlearnedthewordfiveminutesearlier,courtesyofatwenty-three-year-oldlabtechnician.Florencegaveheranapprovingnod,andTishamadeashowofdustingherselfoff.
Ishookmyheadather.
“Someofthesecovenantsarestraightforward—providefinancialstatements,noncompete,thatkindofstuff.Butothersare…hardertointerpret.”
Iscratchedmytemple,alreadysuspectingwherethiswasgoingdespitetheheightsofmymanagerialignorance.Ifbothpartiesapproachedacontractingoodfaith,muddycovenantscouldberesolvedwithasimpleconversation.Butifonepartyhadulteriormotives…
“NowthatHarknessownstheloan,theystilldon’townthecompany,buttheyhavetherighttoenforcethosecovenants.Whichgivesthemtherighttocomein,snooparound,andfindsomethingtocomplainabout.Ifyouaskthem,they’llsaythey’rejustmakingsurewe’reusingtheircapitalinthebestway,likegoodlittleborrowers.”Florencesankbackinherchair.Herposturewasexasperated,butnotdefeated.“Thishasbeeninthemakingforweeks.”
“Weeks?”Tisha’sjawdropped.“Florence,youshouldhavetoldus.Wecouldhave—”
“Donenothing,andthat’swhyIdidn’ttellyou.Legalhasbeenfighting,but…”Sheshrugged.
“Theyaretryingtotakethetechawayfromyou.”Ileanedforward,afrissonofsomeintenseemotionsIcouldn’timmediatelynamestirringinsideme.
Iwasconcerned.Orangry.Orindignant.Oralloftheabove.
“Thatseemstobethecase,yes.”
“Why?Whyyourtechandnotamillionothers?”
Florencewidenedherhands.“I’dlovetospinanelaboratetaleinwhichIonceabductedConorHarkness’sdogtotraffichimtopelissemakers,andhissuddeninterestinKlineisjustatasselinhisrevengemasterplan.ButIthinkitsimplyhastodowiththeearningpotentialofthebiofuel.”
Tishaturnedtome.“Rue,didElimentionanythingaboutKlinewhenyoutwometlastnight?”
“Hangon—Eli?”Florence’seyeswidened.“YoumetEliKillgorelastnight?”
IfI’dbeenthefidgetingtype,thiswouldhavebeenmytimetosquirm.Luckily,I’dlongtrainedmyselfoutofthatkindofstuff.Robotic,I’donceheardanothergradstudentwhisperafterIwascold-calledinbio-nanotechclassandneglectedtodisplaywhatevertheappropriateamountofdistresswas.Stone-coldbitch,myfellowiceskatershadsaid,becauseIwastheonlyonenottoburstintotearswhenourteammissedthepodiumbyafractionofapoint.“Idid.”
“How?”Florencescowled.“Wasitadate?”
“Ha.Adate.”TishwavedherhandandignoredthenarrowlookIgaveher.“Thatwouldimplyadegreeofemotionalavailabilityhomegirlcouldonlyaspiretoafterahearttransplant.”
Itwastrueenough.Iwasn’tsureI’deverbeenonadate—infact,IwassureIhadnot.“Wematchedonanapp,madeplanstomeetlastnight.Nothingphysicalhappened.”Evenifitfeelslikeitdid
Myhookupswerepleasurablebutultimatelyinsignificantpartsofmylife,andwiththeexceptionofTisha,whowasmybuilt-insafecall—Ifyouevergetabducted,I’mgoingtocheesegratetheguy’sdickandrescueyouinnotime—Ineverdiscussedthem.EverythingFlorenceknewofmysexlifecamefromTisha’soccasionaljokes,butitmusthavestillbeenaprettythoroughoverview,becausesheseemedbefuddledbytheideaofmegoingoutwithsomeguyandnotgettinglaid.“Whynot?”
“Longstory.Vinceisinvolved.”
“Isee.”Unlikeothermen,Vincewasafrequenttopicofconversationamongus
“Whatadick,”Tishamuttered.“I’veletyearsofhimparentifyingyouandholdingyouresponsiblefortheutterfuckupyourmotherwasslide,butnowhe’scockblockingyou?Notonmywatch.”
“Iguessalinehastobedrawn,”Imurmured.
“Damnright.”
“Didhesayanythingaboutme?”Florenceasked,alarmed.
“Who?”Icockedmyhead.“Vince?”
“No,Eli.DidhesayanythingaboutKline?”
“No.He…Idon’tthinkheknewIworkedhere.”Ordidhe?
Florence’seyesnarrowed.Shepartedherlipstoaddsomething,butTishawasfaster.“Listen,Rue,whenyounextseehim—”
“Iwon’t.”Irememberedtheblossomingheatinmychestthismorning,whenIfoundmyselfwonderingifamanwouldcallforwhatfeltlikethefirsttimeindecades—maybeever.Thewayhe’dstudiedmelastnight,asifamusedbyhisowninabilitytountangleme.HiswarmskinwhenI’dkissedhimonthecheek,freshlyshavenandyetalreadystubbly.“NotnowthatIknowwhathedoes.”
“Itmightbeforthebest,”Florencesaidslowly.“Butnotaseasyasyouthink.”
“Why?”
“Harknessisgoingtobehereforawhile.Contractually,theycanasktobebriefedbytheheadofeveryresearchanddevelopmentproject.Andtheydid.”Florencepickeduphertablet,tappedatitseveraltimes,andthenhelditouttome.Onit,therewasalist.Andonthelist,therewasmyname.
WhenIlookedup,Florence’smouthwasathinline.Icouldreadnothinginhervoiceasshesaid,“EliKillgorewillbedoingsomeoftheinterviews.”5
AbigaccusationRue
IarrivedjustintimetoseeArjun,themanIdesperatelywishedwouldtakeMatt’splaceasmysupervisor,stepoutoftheconferenceroom.Heapproachedmewithasmile,andbenthisheadtomyeartosayinlowtones,“Iwasnervousasshittogointhere,butthey’redecent.”
“Who’sthey?”
“Iforgottheirnames,honestly.Twoofthedudes?”
Asixty-sixpercentchanceofEli,then.
“They’reapproachable,”Arjuncontinued.“Iwassurethey’dbelookingforreasonstosaythateveryone’spositionisredundant,buttheyseemgenuinelyinterestedinthescience.Askedlotsofquestions.”
“Aboutwhat?”
“Thescale-upstuffI’vebeenworkingon.IgottocomplainaboutthewholepHsagawehadlastquarter.Theinitialhydrolysisstep.Theygotmypain.”
“Theyunderstandhydrolysis?”Iknewhowarrogantthequestionsounded,butIcouldn’tpictureanormiehavingaworkingknowledgeofit.Thenagain,Ibarelyspokewithnon-Tishahumans,sowhatdidIknow?
“Ohyeah.Istartedgivingthemthecrayonversion,buttheynippedthatrealfast.Theymusthavesomekindofchemistrybackground,becausetheyknowtheirshit.Maybe—”
“AreyouDr.Siebert?”
IglancedpastArjun’sshoulder,atthepersonidlingstifflybytheconferenceroom.“Yes,Iam.”
“I’mSulJensen.Comeonin.”Hewasasquare,stockymanwholookedlikehe’dlastsmiledintheearly2000s.Notquiterude,butstonefacedandglaringlyuninterestedinexchangingpleasantries.Myfirstimpressionofhimwasprobablyhighlysimilartoothers’firstimpressionsofme—withthecaveatthatserious,unsmilingmentendedtobeconsideredconsummateprofessionals,whileserious,unsmilingwomenwereoftenwrittenoffashaughtyshrews.
Ohwell.
SulJensen’sfrostinesssuitedmyinabilitytoperformextraversionjustfine.Hegesturedmetowardtheroom,hismovementsjerky,withaslightanimatronicquality,andIfollowed,bracingmyselfforimpact.
FindingEliKillgoreinsidedidn’tsurpriseme,notasmuchasthejoltofheatinmystomach.Heworeblackjeansandabutton-downshirt,thesleevesrolleduptothetopsofhisstrongforearms,andnowthatIsawhimupclose,Ijustcouldn’treconcileit—thewayhecouldbe,atonce,themanI’dmetlastnightandsomeonecompletelydivorcedfromthat;theairofdisheveledeleganceasheriffledthroughastackofpapers,whenafewhoursearlierI’dthoughthimroughenougharoundtheedgestocutdeepanddrawblood.
Theglasseswerecertainlyinteresting.Hisfacewasalreadycomplex,adissonantcombinationofruggedandrefined,andwiththeirframesaddedtothemix,therewassuddenlyonetoomanyelementstoparse.Buttherewassomethingundisputablymagneticabouthim,somethingthatcouldcatchandtrap.Thefactthathisattentionwastoofocusedonthepapersforhimtolookatmefeltlikeasmall,temporarymercy.
“Sit?”Sulclosedthedoorandpointedattheclosestchair,likethiswashishouse,insteadoftheconferenceroomwhereTishaandIheldjournalclubanddrankbeeronceamonth.Resentmenttwitchedinmybelly.
“No,thankyou,”Isaid,andEli…hemusthaverecognizedmyvoice.Hisneckstraightenedandhiseyesrocketedtomine,wideningbehindtheglasses.
Iwasreadyforhim.Imethisgaze,watchedtheshockplayonhisfeatures,savoredthedisorientationinhispartedlips.
Yup.That’sexactlywhatitfeltlike,seeingyouupthere.
Unhurriedly,IturnedtoSul.“Florencementionedthatyouwantedtoseeallteamleaders,butIprobablyshouldn’tbeincluded.Mypositionisnontraditional.Ispendtwentypercentofmytime—onefulldayperweek—workingforMattSandersonregulatorycompliance.”
“Rue?”Elisaid.Sulglancedathiminconfusion,butIpoweredthrough.
“TherestofthetimeIleadmyownproject,unrelatedtothebiofueltech.”
“Rue.”
“Idohaveacoupleoflabtechnicianshelpingme,butasidefromthatI’mateamleaderinnameonly—”
“Rue.”Eli’svoicecutthroughtheroom,snappingthethreadofmyspeech,forcingmetoturn.Hewasstaringatme,equalpartsdisbeliefandamillionotherthings.
“Yes?”Iasked.Itcameoutalmostsweetly,andEliseemedjustastakenabackasIfelt.Hedidn’tspareasingleglanceforSul.Insteadheslowlytookoffhisglasses,asthoughtheymightbethemeansthroughwhichhewasconjuringme.Thedullsoundofthemclickingagainsttheconferencetablereverberatedinsidemybones,andsodidEli’ssoftwords.“Leaveus,Sul.”
Sullookedbetweenus,seeminglytemptedtoprotest,butafterafewbeats,heleftasrigidlyashe’dcomein—conspicuouslyleavingthedooropenbehindhim.
Theroomplungedintoalong,unpleasantsilencethatendedonlywhenElisaid,onceagain,“Rue.”NotWhatareyoudoinghere?NotWhydidn’tyoutellme?NotDidyouknowaboutthis?Itwasnice,sincetheywouldhavebeenstupidquestions,andIdoubtedeitherofuswasafanofthose.“YouseemlesssurprisedtoseemethanIamtoseeyou,”hesaid.
“Ihadtheadvantageofstandinginacrowd,”Iconceded.
Henoddedslowly.Regrouping,ormaybejustbuyingtimetostarewithhungry,eager,calculatingeyes.Takeintheshapeofmeinthelightofthisnewday.
Idoubteditflatteredme.
“RueSiebert,”hesaid,seeminglymoreincontrol.Thenrepeated,“Dr.RueSiebert,”withthetoneofsomeonewho’dfoundtheanswertoacrosswordcue.
Somewhereinhishead,orattheveryleastonhisphone,thismanhadalistofmysexpreferences.HeknewthatIdidn’tenjoypenetrativesex,butdidn’tmindbeinghelddown.ThatIwasn’tinterestedinthreesomesorhumiliatinglanguage,butIwasopentoincorporatingtoys.
IrefusedtobeashamedofwhatIenjoyed,butitstillfeltdiscomfiting.Likebeingrippedopen.
“DidyouknowwhoIwaswhenyoucontactedmeontheapp?”heasked,andIwishedIcouldhavescoffedordismisseditasderangedparanoiaonhispart,butmymindhadinitiallygonethere,too.
Thiscannotbeacoincidence.
Except,itcouldbe.Ithadtobe,becauseIhadbeentheonetomessagehim.Ihadchosennottorevealmyrealname.Ihadgivenhimmyphonenumber.Itputarealdamperonalltheconspiracytheoriesmymindwantedtocraft.
“No.Ididn’tknowHarknessexisteduntilthismorning.AndIdidn’t…”Ihesitated.“Ididn’tlookupyourfullname.Notevenlastnight,after.”Ithadfeltwrong,whenhehadn’tknownmine.Plus,Iwasn’tusedtothis.Wantingtoknowthings,aboutaman.
“Okay,”hemuttered,runningonehandthroughhishairandleavingitnomoremussed.Somekindofceilingeffect,clearly.“Ididn’tknow,either,”hesaid,clearlyawarethatI’dcontemplatedthepossibility,asridiculousasitwas.IfElihadbeeninclinedtowardcorporateespionage,I’dhavebeenaterriblechoice.Iwasutterly,fantasticallyirrelevantinthegrandschemeofKline.
Andyet,herehewas.Lookingatmelikenothingelseexistedintheworld.
“It’sokay.Itdoesn’tmatter.”Hemadeagesturewithhishand,andInoticedthenumberI’dscribbledlastnightonhispalm.Justthefaint,illegibleshadowofit,likehe’dwashedhishandsseveraltimesintheinterim,purposefullyavoidingscrubbinghardenoughtoerasealltraces.“Itchangesnothing,”headded.
“Nothing?”
“Betweenus.”Hesmiled.Thatknockout,nice-guy,grown-up-surrounded-by-love-and-confidence-and-the-certainty-of-his-worthsmile.“I’lltalktoHR,butIdon’tthinkthiscausesanyconflictofinterest.We…”
Hepaused,soIcockedmyheadandtookacurioussteptowardhim,enteringanewgravitationalfield.HisbodywasnotthereasonI’dchosentomessagehim,butIcouldn’tdenythatitwasbeautiful.Bigframe.Fullbiceps.MorewhatI’dexpectfromaproathletethanfromsomeonewhosatbehindadeskforaliving.“We?”Iasked.
Helookeddownatme,eyelashesfluttering.“Youseemedinterestedinwe,lastnight.”
“Iwas.”Ibitthesideofmycheek.“ButlastnightIhadnoideayouweretryingtostealthecompanyIworkfor.”
Abruptly,thetemperatureintheroomdropped.Tensionpulled,instantlyhostile
Eli’sjawtwitched,andhetookastepforward.Hisexpressionwasoutwardlyamused,buthismusclesweretaut.“Stealthecompany.”Henodded,makingashowofconsideringmywords.“That’sabigaccusation.”
“Iftheshoefits.”
“Remarkablypoorfitforashoe.”Heheldmyeyes.“DidHarknessbargeinwearingskimasks?Becausethatiswhatthievesdo.”
Ididn’treply.
“Didwetakethepropertyofsomeoneelsewithoutofferingcompensation?Didweobtainsomethingthroughsubterfuge?”Heshrugged.Withease.“Idon’tthinkso.Butifyoususpectfoulplay,byallmeans.Thereareseveralauthoritiestowhichyoucanreportus.”
Ithoughtofmyselfasarationalperson,andrationallyIknewthathewasright.Andyet,ElibeingpartofHarknessfeltlikeapersonalbetrayal.Eventhoughwe’dbarelyspentanhourtogether.MaybetheproblemwasthatI’dsharedaboutVincewithEli,sharedmorethanIshouldbecause…becauseI’dlikedhim.I’dlikedEli,andthatwasthecruxofit.NowthatI’dfinallyadmittedittomyself,Icouldletgoofit.Ofhim
Howliberating.
“Wedidn’tstealanything,Rue,”hetoldme,voicelow.“Whatwedidwasbuyaloan.Andwhatwe’redoingismakingsurethatourinvestmentpaysoff.That’sit.”
“Isee.Andtellme,isitnormalforthehighest-rankingmembersofaprivateequityfirmtobeon-siteinterviewingemployees?”
Hismouthtwitched.“Areyouanexpertonfinanciallaw,Dr.Siebert?”
“Itseemslikeyoualreadyknowtheanswertothat.”
“Asdoyou.”
Weregardedeachotherinsilence.WhenIcouldn’tbearitanylonger,Inoddedonce,silent,andturnedaroundsothat—
Hishandclosedaroundmywrist,andIhated,hatedthescorchofelectricitythattraveledupmynerveendingsatthecontact.Evenmore,Ihatedhowheinstantlyletgo,asifhe,too,hadbeenburned.
WhatIfeltwasbadenough.ThethoughtofEliexperiencingthesamewasarecipefordisaster.
“Rue.Weshouldtalk,”hesaidearnestly,anypretenseorhostilitydropped.Hisfingersreturnedtomywrist.“Nothere.”
“Talkaboutwhat?”
“Aboutwhathappenedlastnight.”
“Wedidn’tevenholdhands.Notmuchtodiscuss.”
“Comeon,Rue,youknowthatwe—”
“Eli?”
Webothturned.ConorHarknesswasleaningin,palmsagainstthedoorframe,watchinguswiththeairofasharkwhocouldsmellbloodfrommilesaway.Hisgazefocusedonourcloseness,onthewayEli’seyesseemedunabletoletgoofme,onhishand,stillcirclingmywrist.
“Amoment,”Elisaid.
“Ineedyouinthe—”
“Amoment,”herepeated,impatient,andafteranotherraisedeyebrowandinfinitesimalhesitation,ConorHarknesswasgone,andIrememberedmyself.
IsteppedbackfromEli,takinginthestrongsetofhisbrow,hisbeautifulblueeyes,thetensioninhisjaw.Someonehadtoputanendtothis.Me—Ihadtoputanendtothis,becauseheclearlywouldnot.“Goodbye,Eli.”
“Rue,wait.Canwe—”
“Mynumber.”Atthedoor,Ispunonmyheels.“Doyoustillhaveit?”
Henodded.Eagerly.Hopeful.
“Itmightbebetterifyougotridofit.”
Elidippedhisheadandletoutasilentexhaledlaugh.Ilefttheroom,notquitesurewherehisdisappointmentendedandminebegan.6
AshortcuthisbraindidnotneedEli
AfterthesceneHarkhadwitnessedearliertoday,itwasnosurprisethatthefirstthingheaskedwhenElilethimselfinsideHark’sOldEnfieldhomewas:“Whatthefuckisupwiththegirl?”
“Woman,”Minamicorrectedhimdistractedly.ShewasonHark’scouch,feetinSul’slap,franticallypressingbuttonsonthePlayStationcontroller.Elicheckedthescreen,wonderingwhomshewasshootingdead.
Bafflingly,thegameappearedtobeaboutcakedecorating.
“Right.Sure.”Harkrolledhiseyes.“Whatthefuckisupwiththewoman?”
Eliduckedintothekitchen,whichwasspotlessinawayonlynever-been-usedsteelsurfacescouldmanage.HehelpedhimselftoabottleofHark’simportedbeerandreturnedtothelivingroom.“Justchecking:Ifmyanswerweretobe‘Whatwoman?’then…”
“Iwouldloseallmyrespectforyou.”
“IthinkIcanhandlethat.”HesatnexttoHarkwithagrin.ThiswastheirroutinewhentheyallhappenedtobeinAustin—increasinglylesscommonasHarknessexpanded.MinamiandSulononehalfofthesectional,beingdisgustinglyinlove,andEliandHarkontheother,being…Disgustinglyinloveinyourownmanly,gruntingway,Minamihadoncesaid.Shewasprobablyright.
“HernameisDr.RueSiebert,”Sulvolunteered.
Eliliftedaneyebrow.“Dude,youhaveabudgetoffiftywordsperday,andyouusesixofthemtogivemeshit?”
Sulsmiled,pleasedwithajobwelldone,andwentbacktomassagingMinami’sfeetlikethewhippedtraitorhewas.
“What’supwithRueSiebert,Eli?”Harkasked,withthetoneofsomeonewhowantedananswertenminutesago.Elisawnoparticularreasonnottogivehimone.
“Wematchedonline.Anapp.Andmetuplastnight.”
Minamipausedhergamesoforcefully,herthumbmightneedX-rays.“To…?”
“Fuck.”
“Actually,Iknewthat.Ijustwantedtohearyousayit.”
“Jesus,Eli.Yourodeher?”Harkasked,andMinamilaughed.
“GoodtoseethatafterfifteenyearsintheUS,Harkisstillaliving,breathingIrishism.”
“Shutyourbake,Minami.”
Elibitbackasmile.“Noonerodeanyone,becauseshewashavingaroughnight.But.”
Iwantedto.
I’vebeenthinkingabouthernonstopforthepasttwenty-fourhours.
I’vebeendistracted,irritable,andhorny,andIwantedtotextherfirstthinginthemorning.Idecideditwasbesttowaitsinceherphonelookedbustedandshemightneedtogetanother,andfuck,Ishouldn’thavehesitated.
Elicouldn’tremembereveroverthinkinganinteractionwithawomanthismuch.Andhe’dbeenengaged.
“But?”
“Nobuts,actually.She’spissedbecauseshethinkswe’retryingtotakeoverKline.”
Minamigaspedandclutchedherthroat.“Us?Noway.”
ThistimeElicouldn’thidehissmile.UntilHarkaskedpointedly,“Isshegoingtobeadistraction?”
“Idon’tknow.”Elileanedforward,elbowsonhisknees,andstaredatHarkwithahintofachallenge.“DoIevergetdistracted,Hark?”
Hark’sgazenarrowed.Thick,fattensionrosebetweenthetwoofthem—andtheneveryoneburstintolaughter.EvenSul’sshouldersshooksilently.
“Ijustremembered!”Minamiclappedherhands.“ThatonetimeElifellasleepwhileridinghisbike?”
“AndtheSemperdeal?”HarkspokeasifEliwasn’tthere.“HegotsosuckedupinitthatheforgottopickupMayafromovernightcamp—waytotraumatizeher,asshole.”
“Thebikethingwasatthreea.m.,afteraforty-eight-hourexperiment,andweallknowthatninetypercentofMaya’straumawasalreadythere.”Hetookanotherswigofhisbeer.Then,zeroinginonMinami,hedrawled,“Also,ifwewanttotalkaboutunfortunatedrivingmishaps,let’sdiscussthatMissourifairwhereyougotaDUIonthebumpercarrink.”
“Itwasthrownoutincourt!”
“Or”—hepointedhisfingeratHark—“thattimesomeonesenttheentireHarknessmailinglistamessageaboutpubicliabilityinsurance.”
“Embarrassing,”Harkacknowledged,“butnotdrivingrelated.”
“Or”—ElicircledtoSul—“theguywhoforgothisvowsinthemiddleofhisweddingceremony.”
“Iwouldliketobeexcludedfromthisnarrative,”Sulrequested.
“Reininyourwife,then.Ifthemarriageisevenlegal.”
“Oh,itis.”Minamibeamed,tappingSul’scheekwithhersockedtoe.Somemighthavefeltself-consciousaboutthislevelofPDAintheirex’shouse,butMinamihadbeenreassured,overandover,thatHarkdidn’tmind.OnlyEliknewhowmuchofaliethatwas.
Silencedropped,comfortable,familiar,theproductofyearsofbeingtogetherinthesameroom,tirelessandstubborn,alwaysafterthesamegoal.“Todaywentwell,”Harksaideventually.“NotlikeI’dimagined.”
“Howso?”Eliasked.
Heshruggedasingleshoulder,whichmeantthathedidknow,butwasn’treadytoputitintowords.
Hewouldsoonenough.Hewastheangriestoutofallofthem,andtheonemostlikelytolethisragecoalesceintosomethingsharpandfocused.Nineyearsago,Elihadbeendrowninginstudentdebtwhileepicallyfailingattakingcareofatween,andMinamihadbeendrowninginsomethingelse,somethingthatmadeherstruggletogetoutofbedtobrushherteethinthemorning.Harkhadbeentheonetodragthemoutoftheirwallow,togotothefatherhedespisedandask—beg—forthefirm’sstartingcapital.“Thisishowwegeteven,”he’dinsisted,andhe’dbeenright.
“WeshouldnamethefirmHarkness,”Elihadsuggestedaweekbeforesigningthepaperwork,sittingatatablelinedwithhissister’shomeworksheets,wonderingwhyshecouldsolvecollege-levelmathbutnotspellspaghettiforherfuckinglife,wonderingwhatthehellheshouldbedoingaboutit.
“It’sashitname,”Harkhadgrunted.
“It’snot.It’sjustyourfather’sname,”Minamihadsaid,notwithoutcompassion.“Ithinkithasthesophisticatedsupervillainflairwe’regoingfor.Plus,what’sthealternative?Killgore?Tooonthenose.”
Elihadgivenherthefinger.Nearlyadecadelater,andlookatthem:stillgivingeachotherthefingeronadailybasis.
“Dr.FlorenceKline,”Harksaidnow,likethewordstastedbadinhismouth.“Haveanyofyoutalkedtoheryet?Inprivate?”
“Suldid,forsomeminorlogisticalstuff.Andthelawyers,ofcourse,”Minamiadded.
“NotyouorEli?”
Sheshookherhead.Andthen,afterabeat,“Shereachedouttomeviaemail.”
“And?”
“Justaskedifwecouldtalk.Alone.OutsideofKline.”Sherolledherlips.“IbetshethinksI’mtheweaklink.”
“Sheclearlyhasn’tseenyouopenajarofpickles,”Elimuttered,andshesmiled.
“Right?Kindofamusing,giventhatI’mtheonemostlikelytopushsomeoneunderalawnmower.”
“Didyoureply?”Harkasked.
“Nope.I’dratherdrinkbatteryacid,thankyouverymuch.Why?DoyouthinkIshould?”
HarkglancedatEli.“AnybenefitsyoucanthinkofinMinamihavingaone-on-onewithher?”
Elimulleditover.“Maybeinthefuture.Fornow,letFlorencesweatitabit.”
Minaminodded.“She’sproperlyfreakedout,Icantell.Despiteherbullshitspeechtoday,shemustbehidingsomething.”
“I,forone,reallyappreciatethecollaborativeenvironmentshe’stryingtofoster,”Elisaiddryly,whichhadMinamisniggeringandSulsnorting.
“Youknowwhatitmeans,right?”Harkasked.“Ifshe’shidingshit,it’snotjustfromus,butalsofromtheboard.Andshe’sdeadcertainthatwewon’tfindout.”
“That’sfine.”Elidrainedwhatwasleftofhisbeer.“Idon’tmindprovingherwrong.”Thebiofueltechwasasgoodastheirs.Thatwasallthatmattered
“TomorrowI’llmeetwiththecoreresearchanddevelopmentteam,”Harksaid.“Reassurethemthatthey’renotgoingtogetcaughtinthecrossfire.”
“Yeah.They’renottheoneswhoshouldbeworried.”Elistoodtoleave.“IgottagettoTiny.I’llseeyou—”
“Wait,”Minamiinterrupted,eyesonherphone.“AboutRueSiebert.”
Elihalted.
Itwasaproblem,knowinghername.Itmadeconjuringherimagethatmucheasier—ashortcuthisbraindidnotneed.“We’restilltalkingabouther,aren’twe?”
“Well,Igoogledher.Justtoknowwhatyourtypelookslikethesedays.”
Elisighed.
“Apparentlyshewasastudentathletejustlikeyou,whichisinteresting.Butevenmoreinterestingisthisfluffarticlethatcameup,fromtheAustinChronicle.”Sheheldoutherphone,andhereadthetitlealoud.
“?‘IndustryMentorOffersExcitingNewOpportunitiesforWomeninSTEMWho—’IsthisaboutFlorence?”
“Yup.Shehasbecomeachampionoftheunderclass,clearly.”Minamisnorted.“RueSiebertandTishaFuliwerehiredbyherayearago.YourgirlfriendhasnosocialmediathatIcouldfind,soIlookedupTisha—who,bytheway,isarockstar.SummacumlaudeatHarvard,scholarships,awards.She’shotshit,andjudgingbyherunlockedInstagramaccount,sheandRuemightbebesties.Lookatthis#tbtpicofthem.Theycan’thavebeenolderthanten.”
Elididlook.Ruewasangularandgangly,eyesandmouthtoobigforherface,holdinghandswithherfriendastheyskatedsidebysideinthemiddleofanicerink.Thecontrastwiththeadultshehadgrowntobe,tallandstrongandlush,madeElileaninforcloserinspection,butMinamihadalreadyturnedthephoneaway.
“LoveTisha’sbio,bytheway.‘NoimnotlookingforasugardaddyandurnotKeanureevesstopDMingme.’Mightstealit.Anyway,thisisthebiggie.”Thistimeshehandedhimherphone.Itwasapictureofthreewomenhugginginfrontofarainbow-coloredbrickwall.Theredheadinthecenterwasmuchshorter,alittleolder,andveryfamiliar.
Sincemylittlesister@nyotafuliSTILLwon’tfollowmeback,I’mofficiallyswappingherforFlorenceKline.Bestfriend,bestboss,andnowbestsisterever.Ilu,happybirthday!
Heglancedbackatthepicture.Florence’sandTisha’sgrinswereray-of-sunshinewide.Rue’swasmoresubdued,closemouthed,likeshefelttheneedtoholdback.Elihadtopryhiseyesfromherface.
“Isee.”Hedid.Therewasclearlyapersonalrelationshiphere.Rue’swordstoday,herhostility,suddenlymademuchmoresense.
Whatdidsheknow?WhathadFlorenceKlinetoldheraboutHarkness?AboutEli?
“There’smore.GuesswhereyourfuturewifegotherPhD?”Minamiasked.
“Don’tsayUTengineering,please.”
“Okay.Iwon’t.”
“Well,shit.”EliturnedtoHark.Theyexchangedanuneasylook.
“TishaandRue,theymighthavebetteraccesstoFlorencethanmostotherpeopleatKline,”Minamicontinued.“Wemightwanttokeepaneyeonthem.Seeiftheyknowanything.”
Elipinchedthebridgeofhisnose.“Letmeguess.‘We’means‘me’?”
“Youknowheralready.Justsaying.”
“GoingbywhatIwalkedintoearliertoday,I’mnotsureit’sanadvantage,”Harkpointedout.
Minamionlysmiledinacurious,secretiveway.“Whydon’tyougotoherlabtomorrow,Eli?Seewhatshe’sworkingon.Snoop.”
Eli’s“fuck”wassoft.“Isthissomeabortiveattemptatmatchmaking?”
“Who?Me?”Sheslappedherchest.“Never.”
“Minami.Herworkisnotevenrelatedtobiofuels.She’sbeyondirrelevant.”
“Whatdowehavetolose?”
Eliopenedhismouthtoprotest—thencloseditwhenherealizedhowunhingedhisresponsewouldsound.Hecouldn’tsayitoutloud,thathefeltlikehe’dalreadylostsomething,oratleastthepossibilityofit.ThatheneededdistancefromRue.Itwasbullshit,sincetheyweredistant,milesapartonparallelstreets,andinsertinghimselfinherlifewasnotgoingtobringthemanycloser.“You’resogenerouswithmytime.”
“Giveittwodays,andshe’llhaveyousleepwithherforinfo,”Harkmuttered.Eli’shand,whichhadbeenpattinghispocketsinsearchofcarkeys,brieflystuttered.
“PoorEli.”Minamismiled,sly.“He’ssoputoffbytheidea.Whathardship.”
Eliflippedthemalloffhalf-heartedlyandheadedhome,resigned.Minamialwaysthoughtsheknewbest.Unfortunately,shetendedtoberight.
Whenhesteppedintohiskitchen,Mayawassittingatthecounter,frowningintohertabletatsomethingthatcouldhavebeenaphysicsarticleorWattpadfanfiction.Shewasthateclectic.
“Imadedinner,”shesaiddistractedly.“Youhungry?”
Hedroppedhiskeysonthecounterandtiltedhisheadskeptically.“Youmadedinner.”
Shelookedup.“IorderedChineseonGrubhub—withyourmoney—andIputitononeofthepaperplatesIbought—alsowithyourmoney—becauseI’msickofloadingandunloadingthedishwasher.Wouldyoulikesome?”
Henodded,smilingfaintlywhileshespoonedriceandchickenoutofthecontainersforhim.Hisgazewanderedtothetable,whereshe’dmadeamoveintheirongoingchessgame.Hemadeamentalnotetostudyitlaterandacceptedhisplate.
Thehomewherethey’dbeenraisedhadbeenforeclosedadecadeearlier,butElihadboughtthisoneaboutsixyearsago,afterHarknesshadtakenoff,afterhe’dpaidoffhissizabledebt,afterhe’dbecomefinanciallystableenoughtocoverMaya’sundergradtuitionwherevershechosetogo.Atthetime,he’dfiguredAllandalewouldbeaniceneighborhoodtosettledownin,withitswell-keptparksandquietatmosphereandgoodfood.HeandMcKenziehadbeentalkingaboutmarriage,maybenotenthusiastically,butoftenenoughthathe’dtakenforgrantedthey’deventuallygetaroundtoit.They’dlivehere,and…hireaphotographerforbucolicfamilyphotos,argueoverthethermostat,grilleverynight.Whateverthefuckitwasthathappy,well-adjustedpeopledid.They’dsoakinthepeaceoftheplace,sincetheirrelationshipwasallaboutcalmandharmonyandrestraint.
Butherehewas,livingwithhissister.Hissister,whousedtoaccusehimofcrimesagainsthumanityandcouldn’tgetawayfromhimsoonenoughateighteen,haddecidedto“comebackhome”forhermaster’s,hermagneticpoetrystuckonhisfridgeandthesyrupyscentofhercandlescozyinthetoo-hotevening.AsforMcKenzie…Beforetoday,Elicouldn’trememberthelasttimehe’dthoughtabouther.
Thatwastellingenough.
“Where’sTiny?”heasked.
“Notsure.Tiny?”Summoned,TinybargedinthroughthegardendoggydoorandthrewallofhisonehundredandeightypoundsofmuttdelightatEli,whowasjustashappytoseehim.Mayarolledhereyes.“Hewasbusypiningforhisonetruelovetoreturnfromthewar.Ijustwalkedhim,bytheway.Theingrate.Howwaswork?”
Elijustgrunted,vigorouslyscratchingthebacksofTiny’searstohisexactspecifications.Therewardwasasclosetoasmileasacaninecouldphysicallyachieve.“Howwasschool?”
Shegruntedjustthesame,andtheyexchangedanamusedlook.
Lookatus.Related,afterall
“DidyouseeHarktoday?”Maya’stonewasthepersonificationofcasualdisinterest.Eliswallowedasnortandsatonthestoolnexttohers.“Howishe?”
“Stillnotageappropriateforyou.”
“Ithinkhe’sintome.”
“Ithinkit’safelony.”
“Hasn’tbeenforawhile,sinceIamalmosttwenty-twoyearsold.”TinywhimperedsoftlyatEli’sfeet,asthoughinagreement.Traitor.
“Yes.Fairpoint.UntilyourememberthatwhenHarkwastwenty-twoyearsold,youhadyettoachievefullcontrolofyourbowels.”
Sheshothimabaffledlook.“Doyouthinknine-year-oldsusediapers?”
Yes.No?Whatthefuckdidheknow?He’dbarelypaidattentiontoherbeforeshe’dbeenshovedintohislife.“Thisfeelslikeatrickquestion,andIdon’tplantoengagewithit.”
“Seemskindofpuritanicalofyou,someonewhoseentiredownloadhistoryishikingtrailmaps,solitaire,andsex-forwarddatingapps.”
Hiseyebrowrose.“Harkdoesn’tdorelationships,either.”
“That’sfine.Idon’twanttomarryhim.Ijustwantto—”
“Donotsayit.”
“—usehisbeautiful,formerrower’sbody.”
“Shefuckingsaidit,”hemumbled.“Canyoupleasenotputinmyheadimagesthatatherapistwillhavemereenactwithdollsfiveyearsdowntheline?”
“Butit’ssofun.”
“Listen,youarelegallyfreetoengageinorgieswithpeoplefourtimesyourage,but—”
“?‘Butdon’texpectmetofacilitateanyofthat,’Iknow,Iknow.”Shesighed.“Howwasthedatelastnight?”
“Itwas…”God,itwassomessedupthattheonlythinghecouldthinkofsayingwas,“Good.”
Becauseitwastrue.BeingwithRue,evenjusttotalk,hadbeengood.Wasn’tthatincrediblyfuckingpitiful?
“Willyouseeheragain?”
Hethoughtaboutthefollowingday.“Maybe.”Hebenthisheadtofocusonhisfood,thenonMaya’srecountingofhercomputationalphysicsclass,thenonTiny’ssoftsnoresrisingupfromhisfeet.Andtoldhimselfthatifhecouldn’tavoidRueSiebert,heshouldatleasttrytothinkaboutheralittleless.7
NotaconditionforanythingRue
Mealswerealwaystrickybusinessforme,butnonemorethanbreakfastondaysinwhichIplannedtobeinthelabforseveralhours.Icouldn’tskipeating,notifIwantedtoavoidfeelinglikeI’dpassoutaroundmidday.Andyet,thosedaysalsotendedtostartveryearlyinthemorning,whichmeantasignificantriskofoversleeping.Whichmeantnotimeforasit-downmeal.
Whichmeantalotoffuckingmisery.
Anormalpersonwouldhaveboughtasnackatthevendingmachineorpackedasandwich.ButIwasn’tnormal,notwhenitcametofood:eatingquickly,eatingstandingup,eatingonthego,italltriggeredsomeofmymostcavernousanxieties.AndIwouldhavetakenthehungeroverthoseanyday.
ToeatIneededtimeandquiet.Ineededtostareatmymealandknow,feel,thatmorefoodwouldbewaitingformeafterthebiteI’djustswallowedwasgone.Myissuesweredeep-rooted,multilayered,andimpossibletoexplaintosomeonewhohadn’tgrownuphidingexpiredTwinkiesinsecretspots,whohadn’tdiscoveredfreshproduceonlywellintoherteens,whohadn’tfoughtwithasiblingoverthelaststalecracker.
NotthatI’deverreallytried.Tishaalreadyknew,mytherapisthadpriedoutmyhistorypiecemealoveryears,andIcouldn’timagineanyoneelsecaringaboutmeenoughtowanttolisten.Afterall,Ihadn’tbeenfoodinsecureinovertenyears,andIshouldhavebeenoverthisshit.
ThoughclearlyIwasnot.
Thatmorning,Ifuckeduponastaggeringnumberoflevels:wokeuplateafterafitfulnightofsleep,letthehotshowerboilmyskinforfartoolong,wentdownstairswithoutmycarkeys,andfinallymetSamanthafromqualityassuranceintheparkinglot,whowantedtoknowif,inmyopinionas“Florence’sfavorite,”wewereallsoongoingtobelivinginatentbelowtheunderpass,likeabighappyfamily.Eatingwasthelastthingonmymind,andwhenIsteppedintothelabI’dbooked,Iwastwelveminuteslate.
Andhewasthere.
Parkedonastool.
Loosejointedandrelaxedashewaitedforme.
Weregardedeachotherwithequallymaskedexpressions.Neitherofusbotheredtosayhior,godforbid,Howareyou?Wejuststaredandstaredandstaredinthedeathlyearlymorningquiet,untilhiseyesbeganroamingoverme,andhispupilsgotlarger,andmyskinbegantotingle.
Iwasn’tproudofthewayI’dactedthedaybefore—notbecausehehadn’tdeservedtobecalledoutonwhateverHarknesswasupto,butbecauseIhatedlosingcontrol.Theworldwasaconstant,full-onmaelstrom,andmyemotionsweretheonethingIcouldgovern.EliKillgorelookedlikethekindofpersonwho’dlovetotakethatawayfromme.
“Why?”Iaskedplainly.Diplomacywaspastus.
“I’dliketohearabouttheworkyoudo.”Hisvoicewasdeep,moregravellythanyesterday.Notamorningperson,either.
“DidyouclearthismeetingwithFlorence?”
Hisjawtightened.“Ididnot.”
“Inthatcase—”
“Yourgeneralcounseldid,though.”
Itwasmyturntotense.“I’mabouttostartanexperimentthatwillneedconstantmonitoring.Yourtimingisnotideal.”
“What’stheexperiment?”
Ibitintomylowerlip,andimmediatelyregretteditwhenhiseyesdarkened.Itfeltdangerous,thetwoofusaloneinthesameroom.Again
“I’vecreatedanewtypeofprotectivelayerforfruitandvegetables.It’saninvisiblesubstancethatIputaroundproduce.ThenImeasurewhetheritextendstheshelflifeofthatproduceindifferenttypesofsituations.”
“Suchas?”
“Today,humidity.SoI’mnotsureIcan—”
“What’sthelayermadeof?”
Thiswaspointless.Iswallowedasigh.“Itsmainingredientcomesfromshells,butit’scombinedwithlacticacid.”
Eli’seyesshonewithamusement;hewasclearlylaughingatme.SuddenlyIwastheRueI’dalwaysbeen:awkward,lost,unabletodecipherthenuancesofsocialinteractionsortograspwhatthehellpeoplefoundsofunnyaboutwhatI’dsaid.Filledwiththecertaintythattheworldwasinonthejoke,andI’donceagainfailedtokeepup.Abeattoolate.Outofsync.
Yetanotherunabridgedsummaryofmylife.
ExceptthattheEliI’dmettheothernighthadn’tmademefeelthisway,notasingletime.Whichwasthereasonthishurtsosharply.
“Anythingelseyou’dliketoknow?”Iaskedcoolly.
“Yeah.Howwillyoutesttheefficacyofthischitosan-and-lactobacillus-basedmicrobialcoating,Rue?”
Istiffenedinsurprise.Howthehelldidheeven—
“Willyoubeusingsaltsolutions?”hecontinuedwhenIdidn’treply.“Spraying?”
“I…wehaveahumiditychamber.”
Heglancedaroundwiththeairofsomeonewhoknewwhatahumiditychamberlookedlikeandfoundnoneinhissurroundings.
“Intheadjacentroom.”Ipointedatthedoor,half-hiddenpastthefilingcabinet.
“Ah.Howmanyhours?”
“Six.”
“Andhowwillyou—”
“I’mhere—I’mfuckinghere,sorry.”Jayslammedthedooropenandburstintothelab.HisgreenMohawkfloppedontotheleftsideofhishead,nearlybrushinghisear.“Sorry,it’sthatfuckingpieceofshit.Mattdecidedinthemiddleofthenightthatitwouldbesofuntokillmeandfuckmycorpse,soheaskedforthatallergenreportbeforeninetoday.Iwastryingtofinishit,didn’tmanageto,andnowthatwhoresonisgoingto—”
JaynoticedEliandshuthismouthsoenergetically,histeethclinked.Theentirespectrumofhumanemotionspassedonhisface—surprise,shame,resignation,guilt,anger,and,eventually,defiance.“Heisawhoreson.IstandbywhatIsaid.”
Elinodded,asifexpectingnoless,andheldouthishand.“I’mEliKillgore.FromHarkness.”
“JaySousa.”Histonguedartedouttoplaywiththeringonhislip.“Niceto,um,meetyou?”
“Jayisassistingmetoday,”Isaid.“Thehumiditychamberroomisquitesmall,soifyouwanttostickaround,spacemightbealittletight.”Goaway.Leavemealone.It’sforthebestandyouknowit,too.
ElilookedbetweenJayandme,sharp-eyed.“Howmuchwouldyouliketonothaveyourcorpsedefiled,Jay?”
“Um.Anormalamount?”
“Iassumeyouweregoingtohelplogthedata?”
“Yeah?”
“Icandothat.Whydon’tyoufinishyourreport?”
Jayshiftedonhisfeet.“Areyouevencapableofdoingthat?”
“Capableofusingaclickpen,youmean?”
Jayponderedthematter.“Iguessyou’llmanage,”heconceded.“Rue?Okaywithyou?”heasked,withsomethingthatfeltalotlikehope.
Iconsideredmyoptions.Sayno,letMattunjustlyuseJayashiswhippingboy—probablytotakeoutonaninnocentbystanderthefactthathisHOAwouldn’tlethiminstallagardengnomeorsimilarshit—dealwithElilater.Sayyes,letJayturninthereport,finishmybusinesswithElionceandforall.
“Okaywithme,”Isaid.Painnow,freedomlater.Delayedgratification.“Comebackwhenyou’redone.Norush.”
Jaylookeduptotheceiling,didthesignofthecross,andscurriedoutasquicklyashe’darrived,leavingmetowonderwhygoddeservedgratitudewhenhissalvationwasclearlyEli’sdoing.Oncewewerealoneagain,Isteppedclosertohimandfoldedmyarmsonmychest.
Icouldn’trememberwhyI’dchosentomessagehimofallpeople.Toavoiddickpics,name-calling,andrequeststosmellmyusedpantiesinlieuofhello,Ionlyusedappsthatrequiredwomentomakethefirstmove—asateaseasIfeltinsex-forwardspaces,Ilikedtoconsentbeforeseeingsomeone’sjunk.Butmyselectioncriteriaweresparse:menwhowerelocal,who’dbeenmarkedassafebyotherusers,whowerewillingtoacceptmylimits.Theirlookshadalwaysbeenlittlemorethananafterthought,andI’dhadperfectlysatisfyingsexwithguyswhowereobjectivelynothandsomeandwithguyswhoseparticularbrandofattractivenessdidlittleforme.
Eli,however.Hedefiedcategorization.Therewassomethingall-encompassingabouthispresence,somethingphysicalandvisceralandsimmeringthathadanearchemicaleffectonme.Hecrossedhisarms,too,andthebandsofmusclesunderhisthinshirtmademepicturereachingout.Tracing.Touching.
“Thatwasheavyhanded,”Isaidwithoutinflection.
“Itwas,”heagreed.Thensomethingoccurredtohim.“Doyoufeelunsafe?Beingalonewithme?”
Ithoughtaboutit.Consideredlyinganddismissedtheidea.“No.”
“ThenIwon’tcallhimback.”Hisshouldersrelaxed.“Atwhatintervalsdoyoumeasure?”
Icockedmyheadtostudyhim,reassessinghisrolehereatKline.RememberingEuler’snumber.Youknowthisman’sphone’spasscode,hisopinionsonanalsex,andhisinterestinnegotiatedkinks,butyouhavenoideawherehisknowledgeoffoodengineeringcomesfrom.Nicework,Rue.“Whydon’tyouguess?”
Hismouthtwitched,indulgent.“I’mnotyourdancingbear,Rue.Idon’tperformoncommand.”
“No.Youliketheelementofsurprise.”Hissilencereadlikeassent.HestaredatmymouthuntilIasked,“What’syoureducationalbackground?”
“Isitrelevanttowhatwe’redoinghere?”
Ilickedthebacksofmyteeth.Wasit?DidIneedtoknow?OrwasIsimplyunjustifiably,uncharacteristicallycuriousaboutthismanIshouldbeejectingoutofmylifeandmind?“I’mharvestingmicrobialgrowtheverythirtyminutes,andloggingchamberconditionseveryfifteen,justtobesafe.”Itoremyeyesfromhiscomplicatedfaceandputonmylabcoat,facingawayfromhim.WhenIturnedaround,hewasstaringwithhungryeyes,asthoughIweresomethingtobeeaten,asthoughIwerepeelingofflayersinsteadoftheopposite.
Jay’slabcoatwaslargerthanminebutturnedoutnottobebigenoughforEli.Heputonrubbergloveswiththeeasethatonlysomeonewhovisitedalabeveryday—oraserialkiller—shouldhave.Istaredathishandsstretchingthelatexandthought,Thisisdangerous.Weshouldn’tbetogether,heandI.
“WhenIwaseighteenornineteen,”hesaid,“IwasworkinginalabasanundergraduateRA,andIaccidentallymessedwiththesettingsoftheliquidnitrogentank.Mylablostseveralimportantcelllinesthatwerestoredinit.Itwasadumbmistakethatsettheirresearchbackbyweeks.”Hebittheinsideofhischeek.“Everyoneassumedthatitwasmachinemalfunction,andeventhoughIfeltguiltyasshit,Inevercorrectedthem.Thefollowingsemester,Imovedtoanotherlab.”
Iblinkedathim.“Whyareyoutellingmethis?”
Hismouthquirked.“Justconfessingsomethingterribletoyou.Ithoughtitmightbeourthing.”
Irememberedthecar.MyadmissionthatI’dwishedVincentwouldjustdisappear.Howjealousofhissisterhe’dbeen.Then,inexplicably,Iheardmyselfsay,“Ionceaccidentallycrushedamouse’sskullwhileputtinghiminearbars.”Iswallowed.“Thepostdocwhowassupervisingmesaidthatitwasn’tabigdeal,andIpretendedIdidn’tcare,butIcouldn’thandleit.Ihaven’tworkedwithlabanimalssince.”
Hedidn’tsayanything,likehehadn’tinthecar,nordidhereactinanyotherway.Wejuststaredateachotherwithnodisappointmentandnorecrimination,twoterriblepeoplewithhorriblestories,twoterriblepeoplewhomaybeweremoreinterestedinjudgingthemselvesthaneachother,untilIcouldn’tbearitanymore.Iquicklygrabbedanapple,anddidn’tprotestwhenhefollowedmetothehumiditychamber.“Hotinhere,”hecommented.“Isthesealbroken?Icantakealook.”
“It’sjustasmallspace.Andaconstantlyrunningmotor.Youready?”Istartedmytimerbeforehecouldrespond.
Admittedly,hewasagoodassistant.Heknewhow,andwhere,andwhattolog,didnotaskmetorepeatmyself,andneveroncelookedboredwhileItookmymeasurements.Heaskedquestionsaboutmyresearch,aboutthecompanyculture,abouttheworkI’ddonebeforecomingtoKline,butheseemedtoknowinstinctivelynottobothermewhenIwasharvestingsamplesordilutingthemwithbuffers.
Forthemostpart,Ianswered.Iwascertainthathisintentionsweresketchy,butcouldn’tfigurehowsharinganyofthisinformationwasgoingtoharmFlorence.Theworkwedidwasimportant.Florencewasafantasticleader.Maybeitwasperverseofme,butIwantedElitoknowhowmuchKlinehadaccomplished.WhateverHarknesswastryingtoachievemayhavebeenlegal,butitwasn’tmoral,andIwantedhimtofeellikeavillainforit.
Buthedidn’tseemupset,onlyhappytolistenandaskquestions.Aboveall,heseemedfullyinhiselement.Likealabwaswherehebelonged.
“Howlonghasitbeen?”Iasked,grabbingafreshpipettetip.
“Lessthanfiveminutes—”
“Imean,sinceyouwerelastinalab.”
Helookedupfromtheclipboard,hisfacesoblank,ithadtobedeliberate.“Ihaven’tkepttrack.”
“No?”Hehad.Totheday.Iwascertain.“Whydidyoustop?”
“Don’tremember.”Therewereonlytwoorthreefeetbetweenus.Hiseyeswerealight,predatoryblue.CloseenoughthatIcouldtouchthelie.
“Youdon’trememberwhyyoudecidedthatyou’dratherbeahedgefundmanagerthanascientist?”
“Youreallydon’tknowmuchaboutprivateequities,doyou?”
Myhandtightenedonthepipette.“Youknowalotaboutfoodengineering,though.”
“Andwheredoesthatleaveus?”
“Idon’tthinkthereisanus.”Myhandtightenedevenmore—sohard,Iaccidentallypressedmythumbagainstthepipette’sejector,droppingthetip.“Shit.”Iknelttothefloor,bendingmyheadinthecrampedspace.
“Here,”Elisaid.WhenIliftedmyeyes,thetipwasinthecenterofhisopenpalm.WhenIliftedthemhigher,hewascrouchinginfrontofme.
Close.
Closerthanhe’dbeensincetheothernight.
“Thankyou,”Isaid,withoutreachingforthetip.NotsurewhetherIcouldtrustmyself.
Elistaredasthoughmyskullweremadeofglass,andhecouldseetheexactmesspassingthroughmyhead.Hetookmyfreehand,gentlyprieditopen,anddepositedthetiponmypalm.
Then,justasgently,alotmoreslowly,heclosedhisfingersaroundmine.
Thereweretwolayersofglovesbetweenourskin.Icouldbarelyfeelhisheat,buthisgripwaspossessive,atoncetakingandmakinganoffer.Myheartbeatinmythroat,andheatrushedtomycheeks.
“HaveyoubeenthinkingaboutthisasmuchasIhave?”Eli’svoicewaslowandhusky,scratchywithsomethingIdidn’tdaretoname,butcouldhaveeasilypickedoutinalineup.
“Idon’tknow.Howmuchhaveyoubeenthinkingaboutthis?”
Heletoutasoftlaugh.“Alot.”
“Then,yes.”Ilickedmylips,thenalmostbeggedhimnottolookatmymouththatway.“Iwishtherewasawaytostopit.”
“Rue.”HisAdam’sapplemoved.“Ithinkthereis.”
“What’sthat?”
“Youknow.”
Idid.Itwasunfinishedbetweenus.Whatwe’dstartedtheothernightwasthere,suspended,oscillatingwildly.Icouldfeelitinmyteeth.“It’snotagoodidea.”
“Isitnot?”
“You’rewithHarkness.I’mwithKline.”
“Yeah,well.”Hesoundedself-deprecating,asthoughhewasn’tafanofhisownfeelings.“Rightnow,Idon’tgiveafuckaboutHarkness.OrKline.Oranythingelseexceptfor…”
You.This.Us.Mybrainwantedhimtosaythewords,andIhatedthataboutmyself.“Idon’tthinkIlikeyouasaperson.Icertainlydon’tlikewhatyou’redoing,nordoIrespectit.”
Ifhewashurt,hedidn’tshowit.“Thankfully,that’snotaconditionforanything.”
Hewasright,andIclosedmyeyes.Imaginedsayingyes.Imaginedtheprocessofworkingthisthingoutofmyself,theactofsweatinghimout.Howgooditwouldfeel,andthepeaceandsatisfactionI’dfeellater.Iimaginedhearinghisname,seeinghisface,andnothavinganinstant,uncontrollable,incendiarygutreaction.
Icoulddoit.IfIhadhim,Icouldstopwantinghim.It’swhatalwayshappened.Norepeats.
But.“Florencewouldn’tlikeit.”
Forthefirsttime,Eliseemedgenuinelyupset.“Andthat’swhatmattersmosttoyou?Florence’sapproval?”
“Notherapproval.Herwell-being.”
Heinchedbackhishead.“Okay.”Thistimehelookeddisappointed,maybeinme.Buthistonewascasual,thediscrepancyjarringevenashisfingerstightenedlightlyaroundmineonelasttime.“Thenmaybeyoushouldknowthat—”
Hedidn’tfinishthesentence.Becausethedooropenedwithoutwarning,andwhenweglancedup,FlorenceandJaywerestaringdownatus.8
LikestartinganewbookbeforefinishingtheonealreadycheckedoutfromthelibraryRue
“Itwasn’twhatyouthink,”Isaidlaterthatnight,spearingagreenbeananddroppingitontotheedgeoftheplatesoabruptly,theclinkechoedthroughoutthelivingroom.MymonthlydinnerswithFlorenceandTishaweresomethingIusuallylookedforwardto,andfun,andpleasantlycompatiblewithmyonslaughtofdysfunctionssurroundingfoodandsocialsituations.
ExceptthattonightIwasn’thavingmuchfun.
“Itwasn’tanythingatall.”Imademytoneeven,toavoidsoundinglikeafive-year-oldwho’dwetthemattressafterassuringhermomthatno,shedidnotneedtogopottybeforebed.
“WhatIheardis”—Tishawaggedacrabrangoonatme—“thatyouandEliKillgorewereengagedinapassionate,child-makingembraceonthefloorofthehumiditychamberlab.”
Jay.Andhisnosy,gossipymouth.Eventheguywhocametorefillthevendingmachinesonceaweekhadundoubtedlybeenapprisedoftoday’sevents.TheKlineWhatsAppgroupthatI’dneverbotheredjoininghadprobablyalreadycommissionedthefanart.
“Therewerenoembraces.”
“Child-makingwithoutembraces.”Tishastrokedherchin.“Theplotthickens.”
“Nochild-making,either.Wewerelookingforapipettetip.”
Shedeflated.“Sadly,theplotthins.”
“You’reafullygrownadult,Rue.”Florence’svoicewaswarmwithunderstanding,butIcouldhearanedgeofdispleasurethatshewasn’tquiteabletohide.“Youdon’thavetojustifyyourself.”
“AsidefromthefactittookplaceinalabandthereforeconsistedofhighlyunprofessionalbehaviorthatwouldpromptHRtoputyouthroughyearsofadditionalsexualharassmenttraining.”Tishatookarelishingbite,andIpointedmyforkather.
“Lastyearyoudatedthatguyfromlegal,andhadsexwithhiminatleastthreeconferencerooms.”
“Man,thisisgood,”shesaidaroundamouthfuloftofu.
“Itwouldbebestformenottoknowabouttheabundanceoffornicationthatgoesoninmylabs.”Florencesoundedpained.“Really,Rue,Iwouldn’tdreamtotellyouwhoto…Youcandowhateveryoulike.”Itwasstillthere,thattingeofhurtandworryinhertone.“But.”
“ItcouldbeyourMataHarimoment,Rue,”Tishaadded.
“Mywhat?”
“ThathotspyinWorldWarOne?OrTwo?OrtheSackofRome—Idon’tknowhistory.WhatImeanis,youcouldsleepwithEliinexchangeforinformation.”
“Deeplyunethical.”Florenceshookherhead,amused.Iwasreadytoletthematterdrop,butsheadded,“Youshouldbecareful,Rue.Becauseofthekindofpersonheis.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Well.”Shetookasipofherbubbletea,collectingherthoughts.“EliandhisfriendsareHarkness,andyouknowwhatHarknessisdoingtoKline.Isimplythinkthatanyonewhofeelsfreetotakewhat’sothers’withoutconsentinonecontextmightjustbewillingtodothesameinanother.”
Myeyeswidenedattheimplications.WouldElireally—
“Whydidheseekyouout?Didhewanttoknowanythinginparticular?”Florenceasked.
“Justanoverviewofmyproject.GenericinfoonKlinethathecouldhavefoundonline,orbyaskingliterallyanyoneelse.”Buthe’dcometome.AndhourslaterIstillfelthimbuzzinginmyskull,asifmybrainwantedtoholdontopreciousfragmentsofhim.
Thewayhepulledatthehemofhisshirttowipehisglassesclean.
Hislargehandaroundmine.
Theacquisitivenessinhiseyes.
AndthenFlorence’sinterruption.She’dlookedsosurprisedandhurttoseeustogether,andElihadmadethingsworsebystaringdefiantlyatheruntilshe’davertedhereyes.Retreatingwassuchanun-Florence-likebehavior,Icouldn’tmakesenseofit,norcouldIunderstandwhyHarknessseemedtobetreatingKlineliketheirownpersonalplayground.
AndearliertodayI’ddecidedtofindout.
AfterworkI’dopenedthedatingappandscrolledthroughmen’sprofilesinsearchofsomeonewhowasn’tEli—andthenI’dgivenupwithoutmessaginganyone.Ithadfeltwrongonsomebase,instinctivelevel,likeanaggingpricklethatIwasforgettingsomething,likestartinganewbookbeforefinishingtheonealreadycheckedoutfromthelibrary—somethingtruncatedthatwouldn’tallowmetomoveonyet.
SoI’dmovedontodowhatIreallywanted:tofigureoutEliKillgore’sdeal.Andtheresearchhadprovenfruitful
“DidyouguysknowthatMinamiOkahasadoctorateinchemicalengineeringfromCornell?”Iasked.“ShewasatUTatsomepoint,too.”
Tishagasped.“Noshit.”
“DidElitellyou?”Florenceasked,soundingalittlealarmed.Maybeatthethoughtofusexchangingsmalltalk.Orperhapsattheprospectofbeinginvited,threemonthsdowntheline,toabarefoot,lakesideceremonyinwhichI’dwedtheguywho’dpilferedherlife’swork.
Shemightevenbeaskedtoofficiate.
“No.Ilookeditalluponline.”
“WasMinamitherewhenwewerethere?”Tishaasked.
“I’mnotsure.UTislistedasapastinstitutiononherprofile,butitdoesn’tgiveyears.”IglancedatFlorence.“Didsheoverlapwithyourfacultytimethere?”
Shegaveitagoodthink.“Ican’tremember.Butit’salargedepartment,andit’sbeenyears.Ifshewasanundergrad…therearesomanyofthem.”
“Toomany,”Tishamuttereddarkly,clearlyflashingbacktoherTAyears.
“Eliseemstoknowhiswayaroundalab,”Iadded.DespitehavingmajoredinfinanceatSt.CloudStateUniversity.Hedidn’tlistanMBA,whichIthoughtodd.Thenagain,whatdidIknowaboutthecredentialsnecessarytostartaPac-Mancompanywhoseonlypurposewastoeatother,yellow-pebbledcompanies?
“Forreal?”Tishawascurious.
“MorethansomeoftheengineeringundergradsIdealtwithatUT,forsure.”
“Well.Barsandlowsandallthat.”
“Rue,”Florenceinterjected,changingthetopic,“anythingnewonthecoatingpatentfront?”
“Stillontracktofiletheapplicationnextweek.”IgaveFlorenceasmallsmile.“TheagentsuggestedthatIcollectacouplenewhumiditydatapoints.Otherthanthat,we’redoinggreat.”
Florence’ssmilewasmuchbrighter.“Letmeknowifthere’sanythingyouneedfromme.”
“WhataboutwhatIneedfromyou?”Tishaasked.
Florence’seyeswidenedinconcern.“Ifthere’sanything—”
“NutterButterinthevendingmachines.It’sbeenagesandI’mstillwaiting.”
Inibbledonmygreenbean,andwhileTishandFlorencebickeredovertheworthinessofvarioustypesofsnacks,Iforcedmyselftoenjoytherestoftheevening.9
YousimpEli
He’dlosthismindearlierthatmorning,andtheresultshadbeenabitofafuckup.
Oralot.
Whenhe’dgotteninhiscartomeetRueatKline,he’dnotmeanttocomeontoher.Butherphysicalpresenceinhisspacewasheady,alittlehypnotic.Theroomhadbeensmall,andshe’dsmelledamazing,liketheshowershe’djusthad,andbuffersolutions,andsomethingsweetandpersonalandherunderneathitall.
NotEli’sbestmoment.
Butitwascontainednow.Herrefusalhadcooledthingsenoughtoknocksomesenseintohim,andhewasveryrelievednottobetemptedtodrivetoherhousejustfortheprivilegeofdoingsomethingappalling,like…staringatherdarkbalconywindowsandorderinghimselftonotmasturbatefuriously,probably.
Distance.Heneededspatial,temporal,physicaldistancefromher,andhewasdeterminedtocarveitout.
“Goodboy,”hetoldTinywhenhebroughtbackastickElihadneverthrown.Hetossedit,thensmiledfondlyasTinyraninthewrongdirectiontofetchit.
Mybestfriendinthewholeworld,ladiesandgentlemen.
Asifawareofhisdethronementbyadogwhoneededexpensivedrugsjusttogethisnailstrimmed,HarkchosethatmomenttoreturnEli’searliercall.“What’sup?”heasked.
Thesunwasabouttoset,buttheswelteringheatstillpresseddowneverycellofhisbody,andthedogparkwasinfestedwithgnats.Tinyabandonednotquitefetchingandbeganfollowingtrailsleftbyotherdogswithgusto.Pee-mails,Mayacalledthem,andthat’showElihadstartedtothinkofthem,too.
Maybetherewassuchathingashangingouttoomuchwithhissister.
“Eli?”Harkprodded.
“Sorry.”Hewipedsweatoffhisforehead.“Ihavenews.Whatdoyouwantfirst,thegoodorthebad?”Eliasked.
“Ihateitwhenyoudothat,”avoicescreamedthroughthephone,fainterthanHark’s.
Elismiled.“Hi,Minami.”Heheardanapproachingshuffle,andwhenshenextspoke,shesoundedmuchcloser.
“IfIknowbadnewsiscoming,I’mnevergoingtobeabletoenjoythegoodone.Bestapproachis:Tellmethegood,allowmefiveminutesofhappiness,andthenbreakthebad.HowmanytimeshaveIexplainedthistoyou?”
Thedry“feelslikehundreds”inthebackgroundwasquintessentiallySul’s.
“Inmydefense,”Elisaid,“Ididn’tknowyouwerethere.OrthatI’dbeenputonspeakerphonewithoutmypermission.Icouldhaveopenedwithamurderconfession.”
“Isthatthegoodnews?”
“Nope.”Hesighed.“Klinedidcomethroughandgavemeaccesstothedocumentsweaskedfor.Financial,taxes,inventory,accounts,younameit.”
Apause.“Colormesurprised,”Harksaid.
“Me,too.Until—andwe’reenteringbadnewsterritory—Istartedgoingthroughthem.They’reallphysicalcopies,approximatelytwelveforklifts’worthofpaper.IfaninternboughtaCobbsaladsixyearsago,Iguaranteeyouthere’satwelve-pagereportontheaftertasteofthebluecheese.Iaskedaccountingiftheyhaddigitalfiles,andtheypolitelyimpliedthatIcouldgofuckmyself.Legal’sreachingouttoKline’sgeneralcounsel,butit’slikelyFlorencejuststoppedlisteningtothem.We’llneedtogetarbitratorsinvolved.”
“Paperworkburial.Abelovedclassic,”Harkmuttered.“Fuckinggrand.”
“ItwouldtaketenpeopleweekstogothrougheverythingandfigureoutifanyofthecontracttermshavebeenbreachedandwehavegroundstotakeoverKline.Ican’tsayforsureit’sobfuscation,butthere’snodoubtit’sadeliberateefforttobuytime.IfIhadtoguess…”
“What?”
“Ihavenoproofofit.ButmyhunchisthatFlorenceisbusytryingtobuytimewhileshecontactsotherinvestorstofindthecapitaltopaybacktheloan,beforewecandiscoverthatshe’sinbreach.Becausesheknowsthatoncewecatchherintheact,thebiofueltechisours.”
Harksworesoftly.Sulgrunted.“Doyouhappentohavemoregoodnews?”Minamiurged.“LikeagoodnewsOreo?”
“YouknowIdon’t,becauseItoldyouinadvance.Aren’tyouhappyyouwereadequatelyprepared?”
“No.”
“Well,RueSiebert’smicrobial-coatingprojectcouldbeconsideredapieceofgoodnews.It’sataveryadvancedstageandgreatfor—”
“Yousimp,”Minamimuttered,andhedidn’tbotherdenyingit.HelikedRue.Theno-nonsenselooks,theplainspeaking,thewaytheairaroundheralwaysseemedtoturnadarker,moreseriouscolor,thatconstantsenseofsomethingsimmeringjustbeneathherstillsurface.
Herbody.
Idon’tthinkIlikeyouasaperson.
Elididnothaveapeople-pleasingcomplex,norahumiliationkink.UnlikeHark,hewasalsonotanatural-borncontrarian.Whenpeople—no,whenwomendidn’tlikehim,hewashappytoleavewellenoughalone.Hereallydidn’tknowwhattodowiththisurgetochangesomeone’smind.
RueSiebert’smind.
Maybehe’djustignoreit.Letitfesterinsidehim.Thatshouldbehealthy.
“Whatarethelawyersestimating,timewise?”Minamiasked.
“Weeks.”
“Shit.Isthereanyotherwayto—”
“Theboard,”Harkinterrupted.“WhataboutKline’sboard?Theymightagreetoforcehertoturnoverthedocuments.TheyoverridetheCEO.”
“ButFlorencehandpickedtheboard,”Minamipointedout.“RememberIlookedintothat?They’reallveryloyaltoher.”
“Exceptforone.”
“Who?”Eliasked.Tinywasgallopingbacktohim,atlastcontentwithhisexplorations.
“EricSommers.Iwentgolfinglastweekend—”
Eliwinced.Ontheotherendoftheline,adeep“ew”rose.
“What?”
“Couldyoujust…”Minamisighed.
“Justwhat?”Harkaskeddefensively.
“Idon’tknow,attempttomeettheprivateinvestmentfundexecutive’sstereotypewithslightlylessopenarms?”
“Ifuckinglikegolf.It’sagoodsport.”
Theyallmadegaggingsounds,andtherewasamuffledcrash,asifobjectswerebeingthrownaround.ElistaredatTiny’shappilywaggingtail,pleasedwithhisvastlysuperiorcompany.TinywouldeithereatorshitontheentiretyofHark’sgolfequipment.
“Youguyscanshoveyoursportprejudicesupyourasses—”
“Eli,shouldwebullyhimabit?”
“It’stheonlyway.”
“—becauseSommersinvitedmetohisretirementparty.”
“Where?”
Silence.“Atthecountryclubwhereweplay,”Harkadmittedbegrudgingly.
Moregaggingsounds.Elirubbedhiseyes,wonderingifaninterventionwasinorder.
“Listen,pricks,”Harkgrunted.“We’regoingtohisparty,wherewe’llattempttotalkhimintoforcingFlorence’shand.”
“He’sstilljustoneperson,”Minamiobjected.“Wouldheevenmakeadifference?”
“Hehastheearofotherboardmembers.Andhe’sabouttohavelotsofsparetime.”Apause,inwhichElicouldimaginehimshrugging.“I’mnotsayingit’sfoolproof,buthewasanearlyinvestor,too.Hemighthaveastakeinthis.”
“Sure.Onceagain,nothingtolose,”Minamiagreed.“ThoughSulandIareleavingforAtlantatomorrowmorning.HealthcheckonVault.TheirQ1numbersjustfinalized.”
“Elicanbemydate.”
“Fantastic.”Elisighedandrubbedhiseyes.“Idolovecountryclubsandshotsinthedark.”
“I’llpickyouupatseven.Wearsomethingnice.”
ElihungupandbenttoscratchthesweetspotonthetopofTiny’shead,startingthelongandtediousprocessofcoaxinghisdogbackhome.AnightspentschmoozingsomericholdmanwhothoughtpluggingholeswasadignifiedactivitywasnotinhisFridaytoptwenty,butatleastit’dtakehismindoffRueforawhile.10
Wesettlethis.Onceandforall.Rue
MyideaofafunFridaynighttendedtoincludeskating,orTisha,orsleeping,andwhileIwasn’tdelightedtobeaccompanyingFlorencetoaneventthatwasunlikelytohaveanyofthose,thepartycamewithonesavinggrace:theattirewasformal,andIalwayswelcomedachancetodressup.
LargesocialgatheringsfullofpeopleIwasn’tfamiliarwithweregasgiantsyieldinginfinitesuppliesofnightmarefuel,butatleastIgottodigintomyclosetandshowoffmycat-eyeroutine—trainedbytheincessantpipetting,mylineswerestraighterthanabubblelevel.AsinaweasIwasofTish’shabitofshowinguptothelabwithMetGala–likesophistication,Ididn’thaveitinmetomakethatkindofeffortonadailybasis,andneverbefore11:00a.m.WhenImetupwithmenfromtheapps,Irarelybotheredwithmakeuporniceoutfits,awaretheclotheswouldcomeoffsoonenough,andthatnobodywantedmyfacegoopsmearedontheirskin.Itmeantthatmostofmyfancydresseswerebelovedbutunworn,andthey’donlygetachancetocomeoutforTisha’swedding—becauseshewasthekindofpersonwho’drequirethreeengagementpartiesandahandfulofrehearsaldinners,butcouldn’tbebotheredtotellhermaidofhonorwhattowear.
Andforpartiesliketonight’s.
“Youlookbeautiful,”FlorencetoldmewhenIslidinthebackoftheLyft,fingeringtheshimmeryfabricofmygreencocktaildress—whichhadpockets
“Sodoyou.Itfeelslikethereshouldbesomechromaticreasonforgingerstolookbadinpink,butthat’snottrueatall.”
Shelaughed.“Thisiswhyyou’reabetterdatethanmyex.”
“BecauseItellyouthatyoudefycolortheory?”
“That,andyou’rehopefullynotsleepingwithmyaccountant.”
WhenIfirstmetFlorence,she’dbeenmarriedtoaguynamedBrockwhoworkedsomebank-relatedjob,hadbeenherchildhoodsweetheart,and,accordingtoTisha,was“atotalsilverfoxthirsttrap.”Privately,I’dalwaysconsideredhimagiantbagofdicksunworthyofscrapinggrimeoffthegroutlinesinapublicrestroom.I’dhatedhisbrash,car-salesmanhumor,howhe’dpresumedtotellFlorencehowtorunKline,andthewayhelookedatmychestandTisha’slegswheneverFlorencewouldhaveusover,likewewerepiecesofmeat,littlemorethanchickenwingsdeliveredtohisdoorstepforhispleasure.I’dbeenrelievedwhenthey’ddivorced,becauseFlorencedeservedbetterthanhim.
Thenagain,Iwasalwaysalittletooprotectivewhenitcametomyfriends,maybebecauseIhadsofewofthem.Likeineleventhgrade,whenCoryHasselbladhadcheatedonTishabecauseshewouldn’tsleepwithhimandI’dsprayedabottleofHeinzketchupthroughthegratesofhislocker.Orincollege,whenI’dfilledtwoHeftybagswithmyroommate’sex’sbelongingsaftershe’dcaughthimstealingmoneyfromher.MyveryfewfriendswerethebestpeopleIknew,andIwasreadytocutabitch.Or,ononememorableoccasion,atire.
“Areyouinterestedindoingthatagain?”IaskedFlorence.TheACinthecarstruggledagainstthesummerheat.Thesunwouldsetsoon,providingnorespite,andyetdowntownAustinhadbeenbuzzingforhours.Ihadnoideawherewewereheaded,justthatit’dbeswanky.
“What?Sleepingwithmyaccountant?”
“Dating.Maybegetmarriedagain?”
Shelaughed.“AfterallIwentthroughtogetridofBrock?No,thanks.IfIgetlonely,I’lladoptacat,likeTisha.Isthatwhoshe’swithtonight?”
“Ibelieveshe’swithDiego,thetechbro.ButBrucemightbetaggingalong.”
“I’msurethingswillgetwild.”Shegavemeasidewayslook.“Whataboutyou?Areyougoingtostartdatingagain?”
AflashofEliKillgorefloodedmybrain,andIswipeditawaywiththevehemenceitdeserved.“Technically…”
“Technically,itwouldn’tbeagain,becauseyou’veneveractuallydated?”
“Correct.”Ishruggedasthecarsloweddown.Notonlywasinteractingwithothersachallengeforme,butthefeelingwasmutual.
Whyareyoualwayssoquiet?
Ifyousmiledmore,peoplewouldthinkyoulikethem,andthenthey’dactuallywanttospendtimewithyou.
IwishIwasascoldasyou.Ilovethatyoujustdon’tcareaboutstuff.
I’dbeenanoddchild,thenanoddteenager.ThenI’dbecome,maybeasaresult,maybeunavoidably,anoddadult.Tishahadbeeneasy—Wanttojumpropewithme?sheaskedinfirstgrade,andtherestsmoothlyunfolded—butasgratefulasIwasformybestfriend,shewasalsoaconstantreminderofwhatIcouldneverbe.Tishawassmart,outgoing,quirky,imperfectinawaythatwasuniversallyconsideredfun.Iwasweird.Cringe.Tooawkwardortoowithdrawn.Off-putting.Therehadbeenwhispers,snickering,andaconspicuouslackofinvitesbythesamecrowdsthatadoredmybestfriend.Tishahadneverchosenothersoverme,andsheneverhesitatedtotellthosewhowereopenlyrudetometopissoff.Butwebothknewthetruth:peoplewereinexplicably,never-endinglydifficultforme.SowhileTishahadboyfriends,friends,highgrades,apromisingfuture,IwasbusywithfigureskatingandfainthopesofgettingthehelloutofTexas,soon.
ButthenIhadgottenout.Andwhilebeingwithhumanshadn’tbeenanyeasierincollege,I’drealizedthattherewasonetypeofsocialinteractionIcouldrock.Imaystruggletokeeptheconversationflowing,orfailatexudingthekindofwarmththatmadeotherswanttobeinmyorbit,butsomepeopledidapproachme.Men,forthemostpart,withsomethingveryspecificinmind,somethingIdiscoveredIfoundhighlyenjoyablemyself.Ididn’tmindiftheywantedtousemybody,notifIgottousetheirsback.
Onlyfair,Ithought.
Ascollegemorphedintogradschoolandgradschoolbledintointernships,meetingnewpeopleorganicallybecameharder.Ontopofthat,lotsofmenmyageseemedtobelookingforsomethingmore.ShortlyafterjoiningKline,Ihadsomefairlymediocresexwithanotherteamleaderatthecompany,andwasconfusedwhenheemailedthefollowingday,askingmeoutfordinner.
ImusthavegottenbetterathidingthewayIam,Ithought.Ibrieflyletmyselfimaginesayingyes,andthescenariosrolledthroughmyheadlikeamovie.Me,franticallytryingtokeepupthepretenseofbeinganappealing,easygoingpersonandnotjustdozensofneurosesinalabcoat.ThedismayI’dfeelwhenmyabilitytofakeitfinallyreachedtheendofitsrope.Hisdisappointmentaftermymaskslipped,showinghowsociallyineptandmessedupIwas.Thepotentialforhurtwasbottomless,andIdidn’tevenliketheguy.
Stickingtotheappsandavoidingrepeatsseemedlikethebettercourseofaction.
“Isthistheplace?”IaskedFlorencewhentheLyftcametoastopoutsideofamanor-likebuilding.
“Yeah.Wewon’tstaylong,justanappearance.ButhehasanegoandwouldnoticeifIdidn’tshowup.”
“There’snowhereelseIneedtobe.I’llfindanicecornerandwaitforyou.”
Florencesqueezedmyhandovertheleatherseats.“Youtakesuchgoodcareofme.”
“Youdothesame.”
I’dneverbeentothispartofLakeAustin,butIrecognizedthenameoftheclubfromsomeofthecharitydrivesMomwouldtakeustoaskids,tostockuponhand-me-downsandschoolsupplies.Itwasthesortoffancyplacefrequentedbypeoplewholovedprenupsandair-kisses,wherefolkslikemeshouldsetfootonlyonselect,philanthropy-themedoccasions.Ispottedaneaselattheentrance,andontopofapicturethatcouldhavebeenthestockphotoforaninvestmentbanker,thewordsHappyRetirement,Ericinhandwrittencalligraphy.Florencesignedtheguestbook,butIgaveitaswideaberthasIcould.
Thecrowdedreceptionareawasfullofsuitsandeveninggowns.Asmallbandwaspreparingtoplay,andwaitersweavedthroughthecrowd,carryinglargetraysofdrinksandappetizers.Mystomachclenchedattheideaofeatinganythingamongthesepeople.
“ThereisEric,”Florencesaid,pointingatwherethestockphotoheldcourt.“I’llintroduceyou.He’llsay,‘You’retooyoungandbeautifultobeinalaballday,’orsomeshit—sorryinadvance.”
Hedidn’tsaythat.Buthedidtellmethatifhe’d“knownengineerscameinthisprettyshape,”maybehe“wouldhaveswitchedmajors.”BecauseIlovedFlorence,andKline,Ismiledamiablydownathim,anddidn’tmentionthatI’dhavereportedhimforsexualharassmentwithouthesitating.InmyhighheelsIbrushedsixfeetandrelishedhisobviousdiscomfortwhenhehadtocranehisnecktoutterhiscrap.
WhileheandFlorencechatted,Iglancedaround,tryingtobediscreetinmyboredom.ThenSommers’stoneswitchedtodelightedsurprise.“Ah—youcame!Lookatyou!”
IturnedtofindConorHarkness,andmyheartsank.
“No,sir.”Hissmilewasallcharm.“Lookatyou.”
Hehadaslightaccent—Irish,accordingtoTisha,who’dspentasummerinDublinforaresearchfellowship.MyfirstimpressionofhimhadbeenofsomeoneafewyearsolderthanEli,butnowthatIstudiedhimupclose,Icouldtellthathewasjustprematurelygraying.Hehadamagneticpresence,somethingIcouldtellevenwithoutbeingavictimofitspull.Menandwomenaroundusturnedtoglanceathim,eyeslingering,andheseemedaccustomedtohavingthatkindofeffect.
HeandSommershuggedlikefatherandson,whichtheycouldeasilyhavebeen,giventhe“whitemanwithmoneywhosummersinNewEngland”energytheybothexuded.“Ladies,thisisConorHarkness,adearfamilyfriendofmine.”Sommersgrinnedashemadeintroductions.“Sogladyoumadeit,Conor.DoyouknowFlorenceKline,and…”Hestaredblanklyatme,mynameforgotten.
Ididnotcometohisaid.Comeon,Eric.Ithoughtwehadathing.
“Um,wasitRose…?”
“Rue,”adeep,familiarvoicesaidfrombesideHarkness.“Dr.RueSiebert.”
Mylungsturnedintoconcrete.
“Ah,perfect.”Sommersrubbedhishands.“Iseeyouallknoweachother.”
“Youmightbetheoddmanout,sir.HaveyoumetEliKillgore?He’sapartneratHarkness.”
Hewashere.Standingrighthere
“Ihavenot—nicetomeetyou,son.Doyouhappentoplaygolf?”
“I’mmorethehockeytype,”Elisaidaffably,southernaccentonbroaddisplay.Inthesoftlights,hiseyesseemedasdarkasmyown.Icouldn’ttearmygazeaway.
“Well,youlookit.”Sommersadmiringlytookinhisshoulders,broadinthethree-piecesuit.“IgrewupinWisconsin,andusedtoplay,too.Then,ofcourse,Igotold.”
“Ifeelyou.Usedtogetinthemostviciousfightsontheiceandgobacktotherinkthenextday—thenIhitthirty,andnowmybackhurtsbeforeIevengetoutofbed.”
Sommers’slaughwasgenuine.ConorHarknesswassmoothandpowerful,cutthroatinasophisticatedwaythatwasclearlymeanttoappealtoSommers’srichside.Eli,ontheotherhand,wasaman’sman.Anoutwardlysimple,niceguywhousedpowertoolsandrescuedkittensfromburninghousesandknewstatisticsabouttheNFLdraft.Appealingforawholeothersetofreasons.
Isuspectedthey’dbeenperfectingtheroutineforyears.Infact,Iwasreadytobetmypatentonit.
“Thisisgoingtohurt,”Harknesssaid,suddenlyserious,“butEliplayedforSt.Cloud.”
“Huskies.”Sommersshookhishead.“I’maFightingHawkmyself.”
Elinoddedthoughtfully.“Sir,Ithinkthisconversationisover.”
Sommerslaughedagain,delighted.“Tellyouwhat,son,hockeysticksandgolfclubsain’tthatdifferent.HowaboutthisSundayIteachyouafewmoves?”
Eli’stongueroamedtheinsideofhischeekashepretendedtoconsiderit.“Can’tbeseenwalkin’awayfromafightwithaHawk,canI?”
“Damnwellyoucan’t.”
Itwasthekindofeasyinteractionthathadmefeelingsuperfluousandoutofplace,likeI’daccidentallywanderedintothemen’slockerroom.Sameoldboys’club,nowinTechnicolor.Besideme,Florencewasforgotten.I’dneverevenexisted.
“Conor,Ineedtointroduceyoutomywife.Itoldyouwestayedatyourfather’sresortwhenwewenttoIreland,right?Wehaddinnerwithhimandhiswifeacoupleoftimes.”
“Oh,ifshehadtwodinnerswithDa,Iabsolutelyneedtogivehermydeepestapologies.”
Itdidn’tsoundlikeajoketome,butSommerschortled.Florenceemanatedgory,murderousenergy.“Florence,youhaven’tmetmybetterhalf,either,haveyou?”
“Notyet,no,”shesaidsweetly.Readytosnap.
“Comeon,then,orI’llbeinthedoghouse.IwasjusttellingheraboutKlinetheotherday…”
TheydriftedawaywhileSommersrambledon,unawareofthestrifeinhisunlikelytrio,andafteraneverlasting,stretchingmoment,itwasjustthetwoofus.
Eliandme.Aloneinaroomfullofpeople.
Thecharcoalthree-piecesuitfithimaggressivelywell,andnotjustbecauseofthetailoring.Therewassomethingaboutthestraightlineofhisnose,thecurlinhishair,theslantofhisbrow,thatmatchedandenhancedthiskindofattire.Somehow,hewasascomfortableinthisenvironmentashe’dbeeninmylab.
Isimplydidnotunderstandthisman.
Hesteppedcloser,eyeslookingrightintomine.“Well,”hesaid,inhisdeep,calmvoice,andIdidn’treply,because—whatwastheretosay?
Well
Didyougotocollegeonanathleticscholarship?
IwishI’dnevermessagedyouonthatdamnapp.
Dressedthisway,youlookdifferent.LesslikemyEli,andmorelikethekindofpersonwho—
MyEli.WhatthehellwasIthinking?
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked.
Hesighed.Awaiterstoppedtoofferusglassesof…something.Elitookone,helditouttome,andthendrankitinasingleswigwhenIshookmyhead.“Samethingyouandyourbossaredoing.”
SchmoozingaKlineboardmember.Fantastic.“Didyouknowwe’dbehere?”
Hismouthtwitched.“Despiteyourimpressionofme,Idon’tknoweverything.”Hiseyessliddownmybody,followingtheshimmeryflaresinthegreenfabric.Theyseemedtorememberthemselveshalfwaythrough,andabruptlyskitteredbacktomyface.
Wecouldn’tjuststayhere,inthemiddleofacrowdedroom.Staringinsilence.“Areyoureallygoingtoplaygolfwithhim?”Iasked.
“Probably.UnlesstheVirginMaryappearstoFlorenceinafeverdreamandordershertoturnoverthedocumentsweneed.”
“Ibelieveshe’sanatheist.”
“Golfitis,then.Ordoyouwanttotalkherintoit?”
“Me?”
“Whynot,ifKlinehasnothingtohide?”
Isnortedsoftly.“WhywouldI?”
“Tosparemefromthedumbestfuckingsportintheuniverse?”
Ismiled.Thenmyamusementdarkened.“He’sdisgusting.”
“Who?”
“Sommers.”
“Yeah.Mostmenwhoarehisageandwieldhispowerare.”
“Doesn’tgivehimapass.”
“No,”Eliagreed,withthetoneofachoirwhowasn’tsurewhytheywerebeingpreachedat.“Believeme,Iwanttoseethemcrashandburnjustasmuchasyoudo.”
“Sureyou’renotoneofthem?”
Emotionspassedonhisface,alltoofasttodecipher.Thenhestarted,unhurried:“Mymotherhadabeautifulsilverring,oneofthosepricelessheirloompiecespasseddownformoregenerationsthanIcouldcount.Allthewomeninmyfamily,thatkindofstuff.WhenMomdied,Itooktheringandsetitaside,thinkingI’dgiveittomysisterwhenshewasoldenough.Butthen,alittlewhilelater,shereally,reallywantedtogoonatripwithherfriends,andI—Ijustdidn’thavethemoneytosendher,youknow?SoItoldmyself,easyfix.I’llpawnthering,andthenrepaytheloanontime.”Hissmilewasmournful.Ididn’tneedhimtospellouttheendingforme.“Afewmonthslater,shebroughttheringup.AskedmeifIknewwhereitwas.AndIpretendedtohavenoideawhatshewasreferringto.”
Ilookedathisopen,unflinchingeyes,andwishedIcouldask,Howoldwereyou?andHowdidyourmotherdie?andWhydoyoukeepdoingthis,baringtheworst,mostvulnerableandsquishypartsofyourselftome?Instead,whatIdidwasbaresomethingofmine.Somethingdreadful.“WhenIwaseleven,Istolethirty-fourdollarsandfiftycentsfromadrawerinmybestfriend’shouse.”IforcedmyselftoholdEli’sgazethroughtheshameofit,justlikehe’dheldmine.“TheyneverlockedanythingwhenIwasaround,becausetheytrustedme.Theytreatedmeastheirown.AndIstolefromthem.”
Henodded,andInodded,atacitagreementthatwewerebothterriblepeople.Tellingterriblestories.We’dletourmasksslipenoughtimesthattheynowlayshatteredonthefloor,butitwasokay.
Wewereokay.
Thenthebandbeganplaying,andtheunderstandingbetweenussnapped.Elireturnedtohisamiabledefaultsettingasthenotespurredsoftly,shapedintosomethingsoothingandsmooththatperfectlymatchedtheblandnessofthegathering.Severalcouplesbeganswaying.
“Weshoulddance,”Elioffered.Therewerenotellsthathewasjoking.
“Shouldwe?Why?”
Heshrugged,andabruptlyheseemedlost,asunevenasIalwaysfeltinhiscompany.“BecauseIlikeyourdress,”hesaid,nonsensically.Itoccurredtome,forthefirsttimesinceourmeetingthreenightsago,thatmaybehedidn’twantthis,either.Maybehe,too,wasdesperatelyfightingoffthisinexplicableattractionbetweenus.Maybehissuccesswasjustasabysmalasmine.“BecauseIlikeyou.Asaperson.”Hiseyeswereteasingallofasudden.Warm.“Evenifyoudon’tlikeme.”
“Youdon’tknowme,”Ipointedout.
“No.”Heofferedhishand.Iwanttotouchyou,though,thatoutstretchedarmseemedtosay.Whenourfingersmet,theelectricitythrummingbetweenusfeltlikefreefallandrelief.
“Okay,then.”
Hedidn’tplastermybodytohis,andIwasglad,notsurewhetherI’dhavebeenabletotakethatmuchcontact.Mydresswaslongsleevedandhighbacked,offeringfewpointsofpossibleskin-on-skincontact.Buthishandenfoldedmine,andwhenhisbigpalmrandownmyspine,ourbreathshitchedatthesametime.
“Ican’trememberthelasttimeIdanced,”Imurmured,mostlytomyself.Notlikethis,forsure.Itwasbarelyrelatedtothemusic,justanexcuseforpeopletostandcloserthanappropriate.
“Youdon’tspendyourFridaynightsondinnercruises?”
“Doyou?”
Hetut-tutted.“YouknowwhereIspendmyFridaynights,Rue.”
Wefitwell.Becauseofourheights,likely.Icouldsmelltheskinofhisneck,cleanandspiceandsomethingalittledark.“DoyoureallymeetadifferentwomaneveryFridaynight?”Itwasanunexpectedlydismayingidea.WhatdidIcareif—
“Excuseme,”someoneinterruptedus,andweinstantlytooksmallstepsbackfromeachother,recoveringthedistancethathaddriftedcloser.Itwasamiddle-agedwoman,pointingatthecamerashewascarrying.“MayItakeapictureofyoutwo?It’sforMr.Sommers’sretirementalbum.”
TheideaofbeinginanypartofEricSommers’sliferepelledmeonaviscerallevel.Eli,too,apparently.“Youdon’twantourpicture,”hesaidamicably.“WebothmetMr.Sommerstenminutesago.It’dbeawasteofspace.”
“Oh.”Thephotographerfrowned,thenpickedherselfbackup.“You’rejustsuchabeautifulcouple.”Sheleftformorereceptivepastures,andEligatheredmecloseonceagain.
“She’sright,”hemurmuredsoftly.
“Aboutwhat?”
“Youdolookbeautiful.”Hedidn’tsoundhappyaboutit.
“It’sthedress.Andthemakeup.”
“No.It’snot.”Hiseyeslingeredonme,thenshiftedaway.Icouldn’tbearthesilence.
“Maybewehavedispleasedthejestergodofhookups,andhewon’tstopthrowingustogetheruntilwesacrificeaquailathisaltar.”
“Idon’tthinkthat’swhathewantsfromus,”Elimutteredunderhisbreath.“Andwhyisthejestergodofhookupsadude?”
“I’mnotsure,actually.”
Weexchangedanamusedlook.Abeattoolong,anditwasmyturntoglanceawayandchangethetopic.“You’retryingtoturntheboardagainstFlorence,then?”
“Nope.”
“Youalreadyadmittedtothat.”
Whenheshrugged,theropesofhisdeltoidsshiftedundermyfingers.Backache,myass.“Whatdoyouthinkthepurposeofaboardis?”
I’daskedNyotatheverysamequestionthatverymorning,andreceivedanonlymildlydisdainfulresponse.OrmaybeNyotajustcameacrossasnicerviaemail.“Theyoversee.Makestrategicdecisions.”
“You’vebeenreading.Nice.”
“Quitepatronizingofyou.”
“No,I…”Hegavemeasurprisedlook.“I’msorry.Itwasn’tmyintention.ButIdidhavetheimpressionthatyoudon’tconcernyourselfwithanythingadminrelated.”Ididn’tlikehowcorrectlyhehadmepegged.Iwasintheindustryforthescience,andthegamesofthroneswerebeyondmypaygrade.“RegardlessofwhatyouthinkofHarkness,”hecontinuedsoftly,palmflexingonmyback,“there’snodenyingthatCEOsneedaccountabilityandoversightfrompeoplewithrelevantexperience.”
“KlineisFlorence’scompany.Sheknowswhat’sbestforit.PeoplelikeEricSommersknownothingaboutscience.”
“No.Butit’snotjustaboutFlorenceandherpetridishesanymore,isit?Klinehasastaffofthreehundredandsixty-four.”
“And?”
“Onebaddecisioncantakeawaythepaychecksofthreehundredandsixty-fourfamilies.”
Icouldn’tdisagreewiththat.ButIalsoknewFlorence,whoseactionswererationalandwellthoughtout.IwishedshecouldbeheretolistthemforEli.
Asifshe’dbeensummoned,myphonebuzzedwithatext.“Excuseme,”Itoldhim,slippingitoutofmypocket.
Florence:Youokay?I’mstuckwithSommersandhiswife.PlstellmeEliKillgoreisnotharassingyou.
Rue:I’mfine.EliandIarejustmakingstiltedconversation.
Florence:Justexcuseyourselfandwalkawayfromhim.HeCANNOTbetrusted.
Iknow,Ithought,andsuddenlythehallwassuffocatinglyhot.“Ineedsomeair,”Isaid.
ElipointedsomewhereIcouldn’tquitesee,andwhenIhesitated,hishandfoundmylowerbackandpressedforward,guidingmefirmlythroughthethrong,outtoastonebalcony.Itgaveontoasmallcourtyard,andapool,andwhatlookedlike—
“Fuckin’golfcourses,”Elimuttered.Alaughbubbledoutofme,clearingmyhead.Foronce,thetemperaturewasbearable,thenightbalmyandcoolonmyskin.Muffledthroughtheglassdoors,eventhemusicseemedalmostpalatable.Ileanedagainstthewall,tiltingmyheadtotakeinthestarrysky.Elididthesamewiththehighrailing,facingme.Helookedidle,butIknewhewasnot,andtheapp’schecklistflashedinmymind.
Kinks?aboxasked,andhe’danswered,Ifnegotiated
Iwasdyingtoknowmoreaboutallofthat.ButFlorencewasright—hecouldn’tbetrusted.
“Hasyourbrotherbeenleavingyoualone?”heasked.
Inodded.
“Doyouhaveacontingencyplanincaseheshowsupatyourapartment,oratKline,oratyourgym?”Hisvoicewasgruff.Likehewishedhehadn’tbeenasking,butcouldn’thelphimself.
“Can’tbelieveIfooledyouintothinkingthatI’mthegymtype.”Itwasahalf-bakedattemptatteasing,thekindhe’drespondedwelltoduringourfirstmeeting,buthisexpressionwasserious.Astrictlabsupervisor,demandingtoknowwhymybacteriaculturewassuddenlygiant-blobbingalloverthecity.“I’veaskedafriend—who’salawyer—whatmyoptionsare.Idon’thaveaplan,though.”
“Makeone,”heordered.Andthenshookhishead,massagedhiseyes,andrepeatedmoregently,“Maybeyoushouldmakeone.”
“It’snotthatsimple.”
“Youneedsomeonetocallif—”
“WhataboutIcallyou?”Ijoked.
“Yes,please.Please,fuckingdothat.Doyouwantmynumbernow,or…?”Hestared,waitingforananswer.Andthenhiseyessoftened.Thebreezepickedupbetweenus,andhekeptlooking,looking,looking.
Looking.
“It’sunsettlingwhenyoudothat,”Isaidsoftly.
Heturnedaway,chestheaving.“I’msorry.”HisAdam’sapplemoved.“Iforgettolookatotherthings,whenyou’rearound.”
“I’msureIdothesame.”Ifeelit,too.
Hehuffedoutasilentlaugh.“Hasthishappenedtoyoubefore?”
Ishookmyheadinafirst,instinctivereply,thenforcedmyselftoslowdownandthinkaboutit.I’dbeenattractedtomenbefore,butattractionhadseemedlikeaconsciouschoiceonmypart,afeelingtochaseandfeed.Generic.Theproductoffocusandcultivation,morethanthiscurrentthatseemedtorejoiceinsweepingmeunder.“Notlikethis.You?”
“Me,neither.”Hislongfingersdrummedonthemetalrail,therhythmalmostmeditative.“Youknowwhat’sfunny?Awhileago,Ialmostgotmarried.”
“Oh.”IpicturedthekindofwomansomeonelikeElimightfallfor,butmymindcouldonlyconjurevaguelyalluringtraits.Smart.Sociallyadept.Anicewholesomegirl,willingtotamethathungryundercurrentofimpatienceinhim.Proudbuilderofasolidinvestmentportfolio,abletogentlybutfirmlycallhimoutonhispassionforbrain-injury-inducingsportsatdinnerparties.“I’msorry,”Isaid,andwhenhelaughedsoftly,Iadded,“No—Iwasn’ttryingtobeasmart-ass.But‘almostgotmarried’impliesthatsomethingwentwrong.”
“Itdefinitelydidn’tworkout,butitwasforthebest.Ithinkshe’dagree,too.ButsinceImetyou,I’vebeenthinking…”Thesentencefizzledout.Eliglancedtowardthecitylights.Theoccasionalskyscraper.
“What?”
“ItriedtoimaginearealityinwhichsheandIhadgonethroughwithit.I’mstillwithher,Iloveher,we’reafamily,and…andthenImeetyoubychance.Andthisthingbetweenyouandme,it’sthere.”Hiseyesroamedthelandscape,thenlandedonme.Contemplative.“Ikeepthinkingabouthowfuckingtragicitwouldbe.Forme.Forher.I’veneverevenbeentemptedtocheatonapartner,butthispull,itwouldstillbeinmyhead.Youwouldstillbeinmyhead.Doyouhavetogothroughwithit,forittobecheating?HowwouldIdealwith…whatwouldIdowithallofthis?”
Hepointedathimselfwhenhesaidthis,butIknewhewasreferringtothegravitationalenergybetweenus.Wewerebothcaughtinit.
“Ithink,thesamewaywe’redealingwithitrightnow,”Isaid,tryingtosounddismissive.Fallingshort.“Nothingisgoingtohappenbetweenus,evenifyou’renotmarried.You’retryingtotakeovermyfriend’scompany.That’snotsomethingI’lleverbeabletooverlook.”
“Yeah.”
Butwhatifthischemistrybetweenuswasaonce-in-a-lifetimeopportunity?Whathappenedwhenthepersonwhotoreyouapartwasnotthepersonyou’dchosentocherish?Myconceptoflovewasfarfromidealized,butthisstillseemedcrucifying.
It’sallinyourhead,Itoldmyself,butitwasalie.Itwas,attheveryleast,inbothourheads.Andnowwouldhavebeenareallygoodtimeforsomeelderlyladywearinganopalbroochtocomeoutandinterruptthisconversation,becauseEliandIwerestartingtobeabsorbedineachother,andarecklessideawasgerminatinginsideme,growingstrongerbythesecond.
“CanItrysomething?”Iasked,barelyaudible.Heheard,though.
“Trywhat?”
“I’mnotsureyet.CanI?”
Thathalfsmileagain.“Knockyourselfout.”
Itookastepforward,untilthetoesofourshoesnearlytouched.Irememberedthepowerfulshiverthathadrakedthroughmetheothernight,whenI’dpushedupandkissedhischeek.Thememoryhadtobemagnifyingtherealthing,andado-overwouldproveitandbreakthespell.
IfIliftedmyhandtohisface,likethis.
Andtracedthehighlineofhischeekbonewithmythumb.
Andcuppedhisfreshlyshavencheekinmypalm.
IfItouchedhimforseconds,ormaybeminutes,anddespitehisheat,hisdarkeningeyes,thewild,blisteringfeelingthatpumpedintome…ifdespiteallofitwemanagedtostillwalkawayfromeachother,then—
Withagutturalsound,hepushedmybackintothewallofthebalcony,sofastthatIfoundmyselfinstantlydizzy,helduprightbytwothings:thestoneandEli’sstrongbody.
Hedidn’tkissme.Insteadhishandwrappedaroundmyjaw,andhisthumbpressedintomylowerlip,slow,inexorable.Ihadallthetimeintheworldtopushhimaway,butfoundmyselfurginghimon.
Eli
Anyonecouldfindus.
Butwhateveryouareabouttodo,doitanyway.
“Yourdamnmouth,”hemurmured,“isthemostobscenelylovelythingI’veeverhadtheburdenofseeing.”
Thekissthatcameafterwasopenmouthedandunbound.Weexhaledagainsteachother’slips,andwhenmyhandsclosedaroundhisnape,Eligroanedlowinhisthroat.Imoanedwhenhebrokefromme,buthesimplyfoundthehollowofmyneck,thevalleybehindmyear.“Ijustwanttomakeyoucome.Maybecomeintheprocess,too.It’sallIfuckingthinkabout,”hesaidroughly.Henippedatmyclaviclethroughthethinfabricofmydress.“Butwe’reondifferentsidesofafuckingtakeover,andapparentlythat’stoomuchtoask.”
Ilostmyselfintheweightofhisbodyagainstmine,hisgriponmyhips.Itwasanew,differentkindofpleasure,atoncedruggingandscreaming.Helickedintomymouth,andIdidthesametohim,tryingtorememberifanythinghadeverfeltlikethis.
“It’sdisconcerting.”Hisbreathwashotonmycheek.“Butinthepastseventy-twohours,I’vefoundmyselfthinkingoverandoverthatwecouldfuckhoweveryouwanted.Forhoweverlongyouwanted.Whereveryouwanted.I’dconsenttoanyandalldemands,andit’dbesogoodthatyou’dprobablyjustruinmefortherestofmylife,andI’djustsitthere,grateful.”Heletoutalaugh.“Rue.It’shumbling,howbadIwantyou.”Histhumbstrokedmynipple.Itwasinstantlyhard,andwebothshudderedintoanotherrich,frustratedkiss.Becausethiswasn’tcloseenough.
“Ifyouthinkthatthisiseasierforme,”Igasped.“IfyouthinkthatIwantitanyless—”
“No.”Hishandtrailedupmythigh,gatheringmydressinitswake.Hisfingerswereasshakyasmykneesfelt.“It’snotagame.Notforyou,andnotforme.”Hereachedtheelasticofmyunderwear,lingered,andhecoulddo—whatever.Anything.Inthatmoment,I’dhavelethimdoanything,beggedhimforsomethingIdidn’tevenknow.Histhumbslidtotheinsideofmythigh,brushedagainstthecottoncoveringmymound,discoveredhowwetitwas.Hehummedhisapprovalinmymouth,andwhenhefoundmyclit,hedrewonesingle,slowcircleoverit.He’ddonebarelyanything,butthepleasurewassoclose,Iwashurtlingtowarditanyway.Iwantedthisdone.AndElidid,too,whichmeantthatwe—
Suddenly,Iwascold.BecauseElihadtakenastepbackandwastakinganother.
Trembling,Iwatchedmydressdrapeovermythighsonceagain,feelingbereft.
“Nothere,”hesaid,shakinghisheadasifshruggingoffahaze.Mylipstickwassmearedonhislips.“Andnotlikethis.”
Silencesettledbetweenus.Where,then?Andhow?Ididn’taskoutloud,butheansweredanyway.
“Tomorrow,”herasped.Hemovedcloser,andIcouldonceagainfeelhisheat.Hishandrosetomycheekinaninvoluntarytwitch,thenpulledaway,asifEliwasscaredbywhathemightdo.Byhislackofcontrol.“Seven.Inthehotellobby.Youknowwhichone.”
Iswallowed.“Idon’t—”
“Thendon’t.It’syourdecision.”Hewasclose.Ihopedhe’dkissmeagain.Ineededhimtokissmeagain.“But,Rue,ifyoucome,wesettlethis.Onceandforall.”
Hetorehiseyesawayandstalkedbackinside.
Iwasaloneonthebalcony,chestheaving,handsunsteadyinthejasmine-scentednightair.11
Weworkitoutofoursystem,andneverthinkaboutitagainEli
HehadnoideawhetherRuewouldshowup.
Allsignspointedtono—chiefamongthem,thefactthatshesawhimasavillain,bentonrobbinghermentorforhisowndiabolicalamusement.Andyet,Elihadmanagedtofoolishlyholdouthopeuntiltenminutespastseven.Atwhichpoint,intheveryhotellobbywherehe’dfirstlaideyesonher,hehadtofacethetruth:howeveroutofcontrolhisattractiontoRuemightbe,shewascopingwithhersfarbetter.Anddamnhimifhewasn’tfuckingenvious.
Hisdraftbeerwasstillhalf-full,andhedidn’thurrytofinishit.Hehadnowheretobe,andsinceRuewasgoingtobeallhethoughtaboutanyway,hemightaswelldosoinaplacethatremindedhimofher,wherehecouldnursehisfoulmoodjustasthoroughlyashisdrink.
Theobviousdistractionwouldbetofindsomeoneelse.Therewereapps,ortheold-fashionedways:bars,colleagues,friendsoffriends,who’dhelphimexorcizethelastwomanheshouldbetakingupwith.ButElididn’tneedtotryittoknowthatnooneelsewasgoingtobeenough.Hewouldrathergohomeonhisown,catalogeverythingheknewaboutRueSiebert,andjerkofflikethepitifulloserheclearlywas.
“It’sabadidea,”Harkhadtoldhimthenightbefore,drivinghomefromtheparty.“Andyouknowthat.”
“Whatis?”
Harkhadrolledhiseyes.“Comeon,Eli.YoulookatRueSiebertlikeherpussytasteslikebeer.Stoppining.”
“You’retheonewhosentmetohertheotherday.AndIdon’tpine.”
“Thenwhyareyoubeinglikethis?Jesus,you’vebeeninactualrelationshipsandneverlostyourmind.What’ssodifferentnow?”
Didyoulookather?he’dwantedtoask.Tonight?Didyouhearhervoice?Didyouseeherexpressionwhenshefirstnoticedme?Didyouseehermouth?
“I’mnotsayingsheisn’tbeautiful.”Hark.Readinghismind.“Andsheobviouslyhasthatenergyyoulike—”
Elihadlaughed.“TheenergyIlike?”
“Hyper-competent.Mysterious.‘Iscoredbetterthanyouonthequiz,andIcouldkillyouwithapencil’energy.”
“NotoneofthewomenI’vebeenwithwasmysterious.Ormurderous.”
“Becauseyouusedtoknowbetter.”
“Yeah,fuckoff,”he’dsaidmildly.“Nothing’shappeningwithher.”Alongpause.“Ijustwanttofuckher.We’renotgoingoutformilkshakesorplanningacoastaltownweekend.”
Harkhaddroppedhisheadtothesteeringwheel.“Don’tdoanyofit.WearegoingtotakeKline,andshe’sgoingtofuckinghateyouforthat.Shealreadydoes.Plus,shechosetoputhertrustinFlorenceKline,whichclearlyindicatesshitjudgment.Whowoulddothat?”
They’dexchangedadry,self-commiseratingglance.“Threedumbassholes,that’swho,”Elihadmuttered.
Twenty-fourhourslater,hecouldadmitthatHarkwasright.HisbestbetwastoavoidRue.Getheroutofhis—
“Eli.”
Helookedup.Shestoodlessthanthreefeetaway.
“Hi,”shesaid.
Thegreendressandcomplicatedhairdofromthenightbeforehadbeenpunch-in-the-gut,spank-bank-directorymaterial.Tonightshewasacompletelydifferentperson:plainwhiteT-shirttuckedintojeans,nomakeup,and…
Stillapunchinthegut.Stillspank-bankdirectory.Hewonderediftherewasaversionofherthatwouldn’tbe.
“I’msorryI’mlate.I…”Sheshrugged.
“Couldn’tmakeupyourmind?”
“Somethinglikethat.”Sheclimbedontothestoolnexttohim,lipscurledinhersmallnon-smile.“ThenIdid.Figuredthatifyouwerestillhere,maybeitwasfate.”
“Youdon’tbelieveinfate.”
“Neverhave.You?”
“Ithinkit’sallbullshit.”
Shewasquiet,thatsilencefullofstaresandpulledstringssimmeringbetweenthem.“Tomorrow.AreyoustillgoingtoplaygolfwithEricSommers?Trytoconvincehimto…”
Henodded,andsheglancedaway,lipsthinning.
“It’swrong.Whatyouandyourfriendsaredoingiswrong,andcruel,and—”Shestopped,collectingheranger,andhe’dneverbeenmoretemptedtojustifyhimself.Youdon’tknoweverything,Rue.Infact,Isuspectyouknownothingatall.Letmetellyouafewthings.
“Listen,wedon’thavetogoupstairs,”hetoldhersoftly.Becausesuddenly,evenmorethanhewantedtofuckher,hewantedtoexplain.IfRueunderstood,maybethetwoofthemcouldhaveafightingchanceat…Afightingchanceatwhat,Eli?“WecanjuststayhereandIcan—”
“No.I’malreadybetrayingFlorence.Ifwestayhereandtalk,it’sevenworse.”Shebitherlip.“Idon’twantanymisunderstanding:IdespiseHarknessandwhatyouaredoing.”
“Right.”Hetriedtokeephistonelightandamused.Areyouhurt?aHark-soundingvoicetaunted.Becausethiswomanyoubarelyknowdoesn’tlikeyou?
“It’sjustsex,”shecontinued.“Ifit’sjustfucking,there’snoneedformoraldilemmas.”
Oh,Rue.Areyousure?
“Wedothisonce,”shecontinued,voicefirm,asiflayingdownimportantrules.“It’llbeasthoughVincedidn’tinterruptusthatfirstnight.We…pretend.It’sstillTuesday,andthisishappeningbeforeIfoundoutthatyouworkforHarkness.Weworkitoutofoursystem,andneverthinkaboutitagain.”
Ihopeyou’reright,Rue,becauseI’mnotsuremyself-respectcantakemuchmoreofyou.
Maybeshewasright.Theyneededtoexpeleachotherfromtheirheads,quickly.Noveltywasapowerfulstimulant—takethataway,andmaybetherewouldbelittleleftbetweenthem.
Eliliftedhishand,hotelkeycardbetweenindexandmiddlefinger.“Readytogo?”
“Ihavebeenforawhile.”
Theyweresilentintheelevator,atfirststaringaheadattheclosingdoors,thenturningtofaceeachother.Eliconsideredclosingthedistancebetweenthem,gettinganearlystart,pullingherintoletherfeelhiseagerness,buthejustdrankherin.Delayedgratification,hethought.Thereweren’tgoingtoberepeats.Hehadtofileawayeverymoment.
Whenhesmiledather,shedidn’tsmileback,butneitherdidsheavertherwide,studiouseyes.Thedoorsswishedopen,andhegesturedforhertogofirst.Hisheart,remarkablysteadyuntilthen,beganracing.
Hefollowedherintothehallway.Openedthedoorforher.Watchedherstepinsidetheroomandglancearoundindifferently.Beforehecouldtouchher,orkissher,oreventakeherhand,shefacedthewindow.Givinghimherback,staringattheurbanglowoftheAustinskyline,shebegantakingoffherclothes,andElilosthisabilitytobreathe.
Therewasnothingsensual,orpurposefullytitillatingaboutit.Itwasthemostutilitarianstripteasehe’deverwitnessed.Nevertheless,hehadtoleanbackagainstasectionofbarewall.Takeamomentandasteadyingbreathashershoes,shirt,pants,bra,andunderwearwerenotquitefolded,butneatlysetasideonthewoodendesk.Andassheundressed,stillfacingawayfromhim,shebegantalking.“Myfirsttime,Iwasafreshmanincollege.WithsomeboywhosenameIeitherforgotorneverlearned.Myroommates,theywantedtothrowapartybeforethewinterholidays.Theyinvitedabunchofguys,whoinvitedotherguys,andoneofthemwastheoneIhadsexwith.Hewasactuallynotbadatit.Heknewwhathewasdoing.Madeitgoodforme.IthinkIwasreallylucky.ButIfellasleepafter,andbythetimeIwokeup,hewasgone.Didn’tleaveanote,didn’taskformynumber.Myroommateskeptsayinghowmuchofadickmoveitwas,howterriblethatmyfirsthadbeensuchajerk.EvenTisha,whenItoldheronthephone,wasenragedonmybehalf.Iperformedthedisappointmentthatwasexpectedofme,andneverhadthecouragetotellanyonethatIwassorelieved.ThatguyandIhadgottenwhatwewantedfromeachother,andthenhadacleanbreakbeforethingscouldgosouth.Seemedidealtome.”Sheremovedherearrings,andasherheadtiltedinEli’sdirection,theireyesmetagain.Sheturnedhisway,andhecouldonlystare.
Itwasher.
Rue.
Naked.
Eli’scockgotsohard,sosuddenly,hewassureitwasalloverforhim.
Hewasherservant.Anythingshewanted,Eliwoulddoit.Hehadtoslidehishandsbehindhisback,trapthembetweenhimselfandthewall,justtostophimselffromtouchingandgrippingandtaking
“What’swrong?”sheasked.
Hecouldn’tcomputeherbody.Shewasfullinawaythatremindedhimofthemovieshisgrandmotherusedtowatch,oftheactresseshe’dthinkaboutwhensexwasjustahazynotioninhishead.Mediterranean,hethought.Withroundedhipsandaroundedstomachandroundedshouldersandsomerounded,trulyluscious,magnificenttits.Herlegsweresmooth,nicelyshaped,andmaybeitwasbecauseoftheanticipationofthelastfewdays,buthedidn’tthinkhe’deverseenanythingthislovelyinallhisyearsonthisdamnplanet.He’denjoyedlookingatalotofwomen,andtheywereallmadedifferent,andthey’dallbeenbeautiful,buttherewassomethinghere,withRue,thatfeltalmost…
Poignant,hethought,andlaughedathimself,softyetloudinthequietroom.Afewdaysofbeinghorny,andhewasreadytowriteafuckingsonnetaboutherass.Herlush,spectacularass.Itbouncedslightlyasshetookasidestep—afuckingworkofart.
“What?”Shecametowardhim,eyebrowsliftinginquisitively.
Herbodywasonfulldisplay,unfaltering,andhereffortlessconfidencekickedhisarousalupanothernotch,evenwhenhe’dthoughtithadnowhereelsetogo.“Nothing.Youlook…”Amazing.Sweet.Enchanting.Fuckable.“Good.”
“Thankyou.”Hermouthcurledupward,asthoughsheenjoyedthecompliment,andhewantedtogiveheramillionmore.ScribbletheminthefuckingburningLibraryofAlexandria.“Ontheappyouwroteyou’dbefinewithmylimits?”
Henodded,rememberingthemessagehe’dbeenpullingupatembarrassinglyfrequentintervalsinthepastfewdays.Hehaditmemorized,butallthoseclinicalwordsfeltsoatoddsnowwithherpink,softglory.Hewoulddieoneday,andmedstudentswouldfindthesentencescarvedinhisbrain.
FYI,Idon’tenjoypenetrativesexmuch.Ifthat’sadeal-breaker,thenweshouldbothmoveon.
“Youstilldon’twanttohavesex?”hechecked.
Shefrownedinconfusion.Thenhereyeswidened.“Youmean,penetrativeintercourse?”
Agynecologist,that’swhatshesoundedlike.Andhewasdyingtotouchher.Readytobegtosmellthecreasewhereherabdomenmetherthigh.“Yup.”
Shenodded.“Correct.”
Hewascuriousaboutthereason,butshedidn’tvolunteeranexplanation.Narrowinghisoptionsmightbeagoodidea,anyway.Hehadthingsinmind,enoughtofillthenextweekwith,thatdidn’trequireputtinghisdickinsideher.Hecouldprobablyjustlookatherforawhile,andthingswouldhappen.
“Okay,”hesaid,findinghimselfsplit.HewantedRuetoenjoythis,alot,buthewasalsoabsolutely,single-mindedlyfocusedonhisowndesiresandneeds.Ithadbeenalongtimecoming.Ithadbeen…
Shit.Fourdays.They’dmetfourdaysago.Hefeltlikehe’dbeentrudgingupstreamforthelastyear.
“Comehere,”hemurmured,andhewashalfinlovewithhowquicklyshecomplied,howclosetohimshestopped,howstraightherposture.Shewaswithinreach.Hecouldtouchherwhereverhewanted.Hisfingerstwitchedwithimpatience.
Andyet,Elifoundhimselfliftinghisthumbandpressingitintoherlips.Histruenorth.“Thereissomethingaboutyourmouth,”hemused.
“Youmentioned.”Sheshrugged.Thewayhertitsbouncedwouldlikelycountasaformativemomentinhissexualhistory.“It’sweirdlyasymmetrical.Thetopandbottom,Imean.”Shesoundedcalm,buthervoicewaseager.“Wouldyoulikemetogodownonyou?”sheofferedplainly.
Hismuscles,hisnerveendings,theentirebonestructureofhisbodytensedandstretchedandreachedtowardher.“Wouldyouliketo?”heasked.
Shenoddedwithouthesitation.Elicouldbarelyprocessit.
“Idon’tthinkit’sagoodidea,”hesaideventually.“Notthistime.”
“Therewon’tbeanothertime,”sheremindedhim.
Theedgesofhisarousalsharpened.Eliclenchedthebackofhisteethbeforeforcingasmile.“Ifthisismyonlychance,thenyeah.I’dloveforyoutosuckmycock.”Theywerebeingsogoddamnpolite,fromhispragmatictonetoherminutenod.Herhandsmadequick,sensibleworkofunbucklinghisbelt,undoingthetopbuttononhispants.Herkneesbentto—
“Wait,”hestoppedher.Shegavehimawide-eyedlook,andtheimpulsetocarryhertohishomeandkeepherthereformonthsoruntilthismesswithKlinewasover,whichevercamefirst,wassooverwhelming,hehadtoconsciouslygetagrip.Handonherupperarm,hedraggedherbackup.“Ioweyouastory.Oneofours.”
Somethingterrible,hemeant.Shamefulandhithertountold.Rue’slipsparted.Shenodded,expectant.
“Myfirsttimewaswithmyhighschoolgirlfriend.Iwascrazyabouther,Rue.Weweretogetherfortwoyears,andIsweartogod,Iwasreadytomarryher.Thenoneday,whenherparentsweregone,Iwalkedintoherhouseforasurprisevisitandfoundherhavingsexwithsomeoneelse.”Heswallowed.“Hewasoneofmyteammates,andithadbeengoingformonths.Theyendedupgettingmarried.LastIheard,theyhadkids.Ithinkthey’rehappy.”
TherewasnopityinRue’sblueeyes,justasilentacknowledgmentthatshe’dheardhim—justlikehehadheardher.Exactlywhattheyneeded.Hepressedheragainsthimself,combedhisfingersthroughthehairathernape,andkissedherasdeeplyasthenightbefore.Except,thistimesheworenothingatall,andhewasfullydressed.Hisbrainwasn’tatitsmostfunctional,hismemorywasfoggyatbest,butthiscouldhaveeasilybeenthemosteroticmomentofhisadultlife.
Beyondbelief,hethought,pullingback,lookingatherbreastswedgedagainstthelightcottonofhisshirt.Hewasalreadyoutofbreath.Hiscockpunchedthroughtheflyofhisjeans.“Nowyoucansuckmeoff,”hesaid.
Ruegracefullywentonherknees.Unbuttonedhispantsandtookhimoutofhisboxerswithhandsatoncesoftandcalloused.Herbreathwashotagainsthisskin
“Stop,”heordered,ahintofpanicinhisvoice,andRuedrewbackwithapuzzledfrown.
“You’vedonethisbefore,right?”
Helaughed.God,hewasgoneforher.“Iforgottoaskifyouwanttouseacondom.”
Shegrimaced.“Ihatethetaste,andyousentyourSTIresultsthroughtheapp.Butifyouprefer—”
“No.Verymuchno.”
Thenhermouthwasonhim,andEliwasdying.Itwaswarmandwetandslowinawaythatwasatoncefamiliarandcompletelynew,andhewasconvincedthatsomeonehadslippedahighdoseofapotentdruginhisbeer,becauseonlythatwouldexplainhisbucklingkneesandtheexpandingtingleatthebaseofhisspine.
Heshuthiseyesandtiltedhisheadtotheceiling,justfeeling.Herfingersaroundthebaseofhiscock.Hertongueswirlingaroundthehead.Then,whenshepulledback,justthecoldairintheroom.“You’renotevenwatching.”Shepressedalightkissdownhislength,followedwithatendergrazeofherteeth.Herknucklesbrushedagainsthistesticlesandoh,shit.“Afterallthattalkaboutmymouth.”
“Ican’tquite—”
Hegroundedhimself.Searchedforthepartofhimthatknewbetterthantocomeinawoman’smouthtwentysecondsintoablowjob.Dugintoit,heelsdeep.Stubbornlypulledbackfromthatveryhumiliatingcliff.
“Givemeasecond.”
“Sure.”
Shewaited,anditwaswhatheneeded.Amomentlaterhecouldhanghisheadandopenhiseyeswithoutembarrassinghimself.“Okay,”hesaid,vaguelyamusedbyhisownshortfuse.“Okay.”
“Backtowork?”
Henoddedandthistimehewatched,herplumpmouthandeverythingelse:thedarkcurlsblanketinghershoulders,therosytipsofhernipplesastheygothardandpuffy,thewarmblueofhereyeswhenevertheyheldhis.Herslightlyarchedspine.Herpositionatoncesubservientanddefiant,andintheblurryedgesofthepleasure,hethoughtabouthavingherathismercy.Auniverseinwhichshegavehimcontrol.Thepowertoholdherdownanddowithherwhathewanted.
Heexhaledalaughandcuppedhercheek,tryingtorememberthelasttimesomeonehadgivenhimhead.AtthestartoftheyearinSeattle,maybe.OrChicago?Notthatlongago.Haditfeltthisobscenelygood?Hadanything,ever?Hewantedittolastforever.Hewantedtotouchhersomemore.Hewantedtofuckhertits,butitwouldhaverequiredhertostopwhatshewasdoing.
“Fuckme,butyoulooksofuckinggoodwithmydickinyourmouth.You’reasgoodatthisasyouareateverythingelse,”hemurmured,andthehummingsoundshemadebeforeslowlylickinghisballstoldhimshetookitforthecomplimentitwas.Shecouldn’ttakeallofhimbutgamelydidherbest,andthatwasthehottestthingaboutthis.Nofancytricks,justenthusiasmandthefactthatitwasher.Heliked—no,hefuckinglovedthattheknucklesofherfreehandweremovingbetweenherownthighs.
“Youlikethis?”heasked,genuinelycurious.
RuepulledbackwithafilthypoppingsoundthatwasgoingtoechoinEli’sheadonhisdeathbed.“Youmean,doIlikesuckingdickingeneral?”Hertonguepressedagainsttheunderside,andhegrunted.“OrdoIliketosuckyours?”Iftherewasanawardforthis,he’dnominateher.Fuck,no,he’dkeepherasecret.He’dabscond,covetous,greedywithhisownlittletreasure.
“Idon’tlovethinkingaboutyoudoingthiswithanyoneelse,”hesaid,thumbtracingherrightcheek,theimpressionofhim.Hewasonceagaininappropriateandoutofbounds,asthoughhehadarighttoher,butinsteadofchastisinghim,sheburiedherheadatthebaseofhiscock,andpressedakissonhishipthathadhimwonderingifithadbecomeanerogenouszone.
RueSiebert.Changinghiscellularmakeup,onesolemnlookatatime.
“Usually,Idon’tmindit.But…”Twoparallellinesbetweenhereyes,andmaybeitwaswishfulthinkingonhispart,but—no.Sheactuallysaid,“Thisismoreofaturn-onthanIcanrememberitbeing.”
Elihadheardhisfairshareofdirtytalk,andheunabashedlyenjoyedhavingwomenaskhimtospankthem,tofuckthemindifferentorifices,todowiththemwhathewanted.Andyet,hecouldn’trecallgettingasworkedupashewasrightnow,justfromRue’ssoft-spoken,bemusedadmission.“Ithinkthisisenough,”hesaid,tighteninghisgriponherhairandgentlypryingherheadaway.Shesuckedonhimonelasttime,aluridsoundthatmadehiskneestremble.
“Butyouhaven’tcomeyet,”shesaid.
Hegrippedhiscock,asifthatwouldrestrainit.Shit.Shit.“ShouldI?”Icould,easily.Icouldmakeamessofyou.
“Isn’tthatthepoint?”
Precisely,everyvertebrainhisspineroared.Except.“Whenisthisover,Rue?”Shegavehimablanklook,andhecontinued.“Tomorrowmorning?Whenyougetbored?Whenwebothcome?”
Shethoughtaboutitwiththatseriousexpressionthatmadehimwanttodounspeakablethingstoherbeautifulface.“Whenwebothcome.”
“Thenwemovetosomethingelse,”hetoldher,andshelethimtugherup,kissheragain,androamhishandsoverher,palmingthesoftglobesofherass,moldinghisfingersintopliantflesh.“Thisisjust…”Hegropedhercrudely.ButJesus,hecouldhavedonemuchworse.“Imightlikeyourassasmuchasyourmouth.”
Shelookedhimintheeye.Smiledfaintly.“Ishouldhaveguessedit.”
“Guessedwhat?”
Hecouldfeelheramusement.“Thatyou’dtalksomuchduringsex.”
Didhe?Hehadnoidea.Hadneverthoughtofhimselfasparticularlyverbal.“Ithink,”hesaidwithakisstoherthroat,“Iliketoremindmyselfthatit’syouI’mdoingthiswith.”Asthoughhecouldeverforget.“Whatdoyouwant?HowshouldIgetyouoff?”
Hersmilewidened.“Aw.You’renotsurewhattodo.”
“Correct,”hedeadpanned.“I’veneveroncemadeawomancome.Teachme,please.”
Shepulledhimawayfromthewallandtookoffhisshirt,hercoolfingersbrushingagainsthistorso.Hetriedtorecallanyoneelseundressinghim,butcouldn’t,notevenwomenhe’dlivedwith.Hetoedhisshoesoff,butthenherhandsbeganexploring,lingeringinunexpectedplaces.Thesideofhismidriff.Thelinebetweenhispecs.Theinnerpartofhisupperarm.Hewantedtofeelhernakedskinagainsthisown,butsheseemedlostinherownworld.“Ididn’tthink,”shestarted.Stopped.
“What?”
“ThatI’dbemuchintomenmadelikeyou.”Herpalmcurledaroundhisshoulder.Aredfingernailtracedhisbicep,andthepolishwasstartingtochip.“Isthisfromcollegehockey?”
“This?”
Sheshrugged.“Themuscle,Iguess.”
“Forthemostpart.”Hepushedheruntilshelayonherback,hipsontheedgeofthebed,andbentoverher,lickingthesideofonebreastwhilecuppingtheotherinhispalm.Hertitswerebig,andsensitive,andfitintohishandsinabeautiful,overflowingmannerthatwasintenselypornographic.Herbreathingspedupashestrokedhernippleswithhisthumb,suckedthemintohismouthandbetweenhisteeth,nibbledattheundersides.Hepinchedahardpebble,justnorthofdelicate,andherwholebeautiful,softbodyarchedoffthebedandintohismouth.Perfect.Shewasfuckingperfect
Andhewasgoingtobesogoodtoher.“HowwouldyoupreferImakeyoucome?”heasked.“Fingers?Mouth?Cock?”
Herchestheaved.“Isaidno—”
“Comeon,Rue.YouknowIcanmakeyoucomewithmycockwithoutputtingitinsideyou.”
Hereyesflutteredclosed,andwhentheyopenedagain,theywereglossier.“Whydon’tyousurpriseme?”
“Becauseyouclearlyhavelimitsandpreferences,andIdon’twanttofuckupmyonechance.”Theyheldeachother’seyesforalong,swellingmoment.Hewaitedandwaited,butsheneverreplied.“Okay,”hemurmured,kneelinginfrontofthebed.Whenheyankedherhipscloser,shegaspedinshock,butherheelsremainedonhisshoulders,exactlywherehe’dplacedthem.
Shelikedit—abitofroughness.Ahintofviolence.Yieldingcontrol.Justasmuchashelikedtoclutchit.Ifthishadbeenthebeginningofsomething,theycouldhaveexploredit.Negotiated.She’dlethimtakecharge,hewassure,maybealittlemorethanthat.Butthiswasmorelikeanend,sohepartedherwithhisthumb—herbeautiful,plump,shiningcunt.“Verynice.”Hekissedherjustaboveherclit.Felthertremble.“Ilikewomenwhogetreallywet.”
“D-doI?”
“Fuckyeah,”hesaidbeforeswipingthelengthofherwithhistongue.
Heloveddoingthis.Itwassomethinghe’dunabashedly,enthusiasticallyenjoyedsincehewasinhisteens—theflavors,thescents,thesounds.AndwithRue…maybeitfeltspecialbecauseshewasusuallysoguarded.Nowshewasstillquiet,noloudmoansorover-the-topwhimpers,nothingpurposefullymeanttobroadcastpleasure,butherbreathhitched,herthighstightenedaroundhisears,herpelvistiltedtorubagainsthismouth.Elifelteachlittletellrightinhiscock.
Iwoulddothisamillionmoretimes,hethought.Iwouldspendamillionmorehourslikethis.Withyou.
Hehopedhe’dfeeldifferentlyafteranorgasm.AndsinceRuewaslikelytoagree,whenshebegancrestingclosertoherpeak,whenherabdomenstartedcontractingunderhispalmandsheshudderedagainsthim,hepulledback.
Sheletoutasmall,plaintivebreath.Eliwantedtogobackandfinishheroff—orkeepherhereforever,withhim,onthisedge.“Notyet.”Helookeddownatherflushed,tremblingbody.Shewassoclose.Sobeautiful.“CanIputmyfingersinsideyou?”heasked.
Shenoddedeagerly.
Heshowedherhishand.“Howmany?”
Apause.“Nomorethantwo.”
Helaydownnexttoher,andbeinginsideherwasaslick,tightfitthatmadetheprospectofneverfuckingthiswomanabsolutelydevastating.Whenherfaceshowednothingbutpleasure,headdedanotherfinger,andthatwasagamechanger.
“Ohmygod,”shewhispered,cantingherhipsagainsthim.
“Yeah?Youlikeit?”Hecrookedhisfingers,andherthighsbegantrembling.“Ithinkyoulikeit,”hesaidagainsthershoulder.Hefoundthehoodofherclitwiththisthumb,tappeditgently,anditwaslikelightingamatch.
Thiswassupposedtobeabriefstop.JustaslightdetourbeforeEligottodoalltheotherthingshewanted.Biteintoherass,eatheroutsomemore,maybefuckhertitsforrealthistime,andthengetheroff.ButRuecontractedaroundhisfingersabruptly,withabreathless,shockedgasp,andallofasuddeneverysinglethingwithinthehotelroomwaspushedmilesbeyondhisabilitytocontrol.“Fuck.Fuck,you’resoclose.”
Sheturnedherhead,gazingblindlyathim.“I—”Shegaspedagainsthismouth.“Yes.I’mgoingto.”
Hegrazedherclit,andthatwasit.Shearchedinacurveofpurepleasure,eyesopenandunseeing,lipspartedinasoundlessscream,andshelookedso—beautifulandfuckableandlovely,Eliwascompletelyruined.Hisorgasmthunderedthroughhimwithnowarning.Hegroundhiscockagainstthetenderfleshofherhipandcamelikeafreighttrain,thepleasurepulledfromhiminlarge,pulsinggusts.
Hestartedkissingherinstinctively,beforefullycomingdown.Andthenhekeptonkissingher,andkissingher,andkissingher,throughthetailendofherorgasmandthroughthecrestofhisown.Shedidn’talwayskisshimback,overwhelmedbytheshuddersrunningthroughher,buthermouthstayedunderneathhis,evenasthepleasureslowlysubsided.Sweatcooledontheirbodies,thetempooftheirheartsquieted,andonceitwastimetopullawayfromher,Elifoundthathecouldn’t.Hisfingersremainedbetweenherthighs,andhebegantotracesoft,aftershock-inducingcirclesaroundherclit,dragginghisfingersthroughthedampmessatheropening,and…
Itwasn’toveryet.Itcouldn’tbeover.They’djustgottenstarted,andthethingshecoulddoforher,thethingstheycoulddoforeachotherwerebeyondthisworld,and—
Rueturnedawayfromhim.“Eli.”Herfingerssliddowntogriphiswrist.“Ihavetogo.”
“What?”
“Please.”
Hemovedaway,givingherspace.Butsaid,“Rue.Comeon.”Bodystilltwitchingwithpleasure,sheslidoutofbed.Themomentshestood,herlegsalmostgaveout.Elireachedforward,steadyingherbeforeshecollapsed.“Rue?Whatthehell?”
“I’mfine.”Shetookadeepbreathandheldoutahaltinghand.Shesoundedweak.Notlikeherself.“Justa…acramp,Ithink.”Sheturnedtohim,andshewasundone.Destroyed.Asruinedashefelt,andEliwantedtopullherback.Haveherunderneathhim.Hewantedtocleanherupanddoeverythingalloveragain,athousandtimesover.
“Rue.”
Sheignoredhim,silentinabusy,industriouswaythatinvolvedcleaningherselfofhissemenwithherunderwear,pullingonherT-shirtwithtremblinghands,retrievingherpants.Notmeetinghiseyes.
Heexhaledalaugh.“Areyoureally…you’redone,”hehalfsaid,halfasked.
“Yeah.”Sheshrugged.Herbreathlessnessbeliedherindifference.“Youaren’t?”
Fuckno,hethought.Saidnothing.
“I’mgoing.I…thankyou.Itwasfun.MaybeI’llseeyouagain.Ifnot,haveagoodlifeandallthat.”Shewasgonebeforehecouldthinkofaresponse.Hewatchedthedoorclosebehindher,andwhenheglancedaway,hiseyesfellonherpanties,forgotteninaheapofdarkbluecottonontopofthesheets.
Elicoveredhiseyes,wonderinghowhe’deverthoughtthatoncewasgoingtobeenough.12
Bechdeltest:failedRue
EarlyonSundayIdraggedmyselfoutofbedafteranunsettlednightoftossingandturning.Ishowered,hadalong,quiet,luxuriousbreakfastofoatmealandberries,andwenttowork.
Goinginonweekendswasn’tpartofmynormalroutine.I’ddoneenoughfreelaborduringgradschoolandmypre-Florenceinternships,andlikedtokeepasemblanceofwork-lifebalance,evenifmyweekendstendedtobespentunderwhelmingly,doingverylittleeitherathomeoratTisha’s.
ButTishawassomewheresouthofAustinatsomegrandaunt’sbirthdayparty,andeventhoughIhadastandinginvitationtoallFulifamilythings,IskippedtheonesinvolvingrelativesI’dnevermet.SoIwentintowork,stayinguntiltheskyturneddarkandmystomachgrowled.Inthoseninehours,myphonebuzzedwithexactlytwotexts,butIwasbusyrunningflowcytometryonmysamples.IonlybotheredtoreadthemasIheadedbacktomycar,anditwasalmostanaccident—amisplacedtapwhenIpulleduptheflashlightapp,becausethesensorlightsoutsideofKlinewerebusted,andmaintenancehadn’tyetgottenaroundtoswitchingthemout.
ThetextswerefromanunknownAustinnumber.Thefirst:Areyouokay?And,approximatelyonehourlater:Rue,Ineedtoknowifyou’reokay.
ElihadnotdeletedmynumberwhenI’daskedhimto.Ormaybehe’dfounditintheKlineemployeedirectory—whoknew?Andreally,whocared?Thesheertrivialityofitallcouldhavesweptmeawaylikealeafinastorm.Itossedmyphoneinthepassengerseat,notintendingtoreply.Afterstartingtheengine,Ichangedmymind.
So,we’dhadsex,andithadbeen…
Ithadbeenallthat.
We’dagreedthatmutuallysatisfyingsexualactivitywouldbetheperiodterminatingthesentenceofouracquaintance.NotreplyingwouldjustworryEli,andtackonsubordinateclauseswecouldbothdowithout.Andsincehe’dprobablyspentthedaytryingtoconvinceoneofKline’sboardmemberstohandhimthetechthatwastheproductofFlorence’sblood,sweat,andtears,Ididnotwantthat.Ididnotwanthiminmylife.
I’mfine.Beenworkingallday.Haveagreatweekend.
ItwasSundaynight—littleweekendlefttobehadgreatly.Idrovehome,haddinner,andthentossedandturneduntilitwasfinallytimetogobacktoKline.
Elididnottextagain.
MondayIwasondutywithMatt,achorethathadmewistfullywishingthatgivingwedgiesdidn’tconstituteanHRviolation.TuesdayIspentholedupinthelab.Wednesdayitwasmyoffice.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,mypaperworkwascompletewellbeforeitsdeadline.WhenTishavisited,Ihadtogetupandletherin.
“Didyoulockyourselfinyouroffice?Wereyoulike,masturbatingoverspandexporn?”
“I’mjustsickofpeopledroppingby.”
“Dothatmanypeopledropby?Ithoughtyournicelyfrostypersonalitywasenoughofadeterrent.”
“Imustbeslipping.”
“Don’tworry,Istillget‘wouldnotsaveninety-ninepercentofhumanityincaseofapocalypse’vibesfromyou.”
“Phew.”
Tishaaskedmetogoforawalkatthenearbypark,toaccompanyhertothevendingmachine,tovisitFlorence.“I’mdrowninginreports,”Isaid,andmaybeTishaknewitwasahalflie,butshewasthekindoffriendwhogavemenotonlyunconditionallove,butalsothespaceIneeded.
Florencestoppedbytocheckontheprogressonmypatent,andtheguiltandshameIfeltatseeinghersmilingfacenearlyparalyzedme.“AnyupdatesonHarkness?”Iasked,withoutbotheringtosoundcasual.
Florencerolledhereyes.“Allthatassholelickingthey’vebeendoingonEricSommers’staintmusthaveworked,becauseaboardmeetingwascalled.AtleasttheTeenageMutantNinjaTurtlesofhostiletakeovershaven’tbeenaround.”IshouldhavebeendisappointedthatthepersonI’dgonetogreatlengthstoavoidforthelastthreedayshadn’tevenbeenatKline,butreliefdrownedallotheremotions.Florence’sexpressionswitchedtoconcern.“EliKillgorehasn’tbeenbotheringyou,hashe?”
Mystomachsank.Iwasunabletoreply,andFlorencecouldtell.
“Rue,ifhe’sdoneanythingtoyou,Isweartogod—”
“No,hehasn’t.He…Ihaven’tseenhim.”
Liar.Liar.Ungrateful,blatantliar.
“Okay,good.”Sheseemedrelieved.“Icantellyou’reworryingaboutmeandKline,Rue,butdon’t,okay?Notworthyourtime.Justfocusonthescience.”
Hercompassionandprotectivenessintensifiedmyguilt.ItriedtoimaginehowIwouldfeelifFlorencesleptwithsomeguywhowastryingtostealmypatent,andthemagnitudeofthebetrayalwasstaggering.I’dfuckedup,knowingly.Selfishly.AndIwasgoingtohavetodealwiththeshameofit,andtheknowledgethatbeingwithElihadbeenso…
Itdidn’tmatter.
ByThursdayI’dmanagedadecentnightofsleep,andonFridayIwasbackontrack.Kline’sbluehallwaysfeltlessliketheopensea,fullofambushing,flesh-manglingsharks,andmorelikeatranquilpondinwhichtheheightofexcitementwasfiguringoutwho’dstartedafireinLabD.
Thenaherondovein.
“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”Tishaaskedatlunch,afterItoldherabouttheletter.“Yourbrotherdoesnothavehisshittogetherenoughtohavealawyer.”
“Apparentlyhedoes.”
“Ishesuingyou?”
“No.It’saletterofdemand.”
“Whatdoesitsay?”
Imovedmypennearoundtheplate.“ThatunderIndianalaw,iftwopartiesareindisagreement,thecourtcanorderthesaleoftheproperty.”
“Isittrue?”
“Accordingtomylawyer,yes.”
“Who’syourlawyer?”
“Google.”
“Bullshit.Nyota’syourlawyer.Mybitchysisterwilltakecareofyourshittybrother.It’slikepoetry,itrhymes.”
Ismiled.“Idon’tevenknowwhyI’mbeingsostubbornaboutthiscabin.”
“Ido.”Tishaleanedforward.“Idon’tneedapsychminortoknowthatnowthatyourrelationshipswithyourmomandyourbrotherhaveirreparablybrokendown,youwanttoconnectwithsomepartofyourfamily,andthecabinisallthat’sleftofyourdad.”
“I’mnotusuallythissentimental,though.”Itiltedmyhead.“AndyouminoredincomputerscienceandFrench.”
“Exactlymypoint.”
Laterintheafternoon,IwasreturningfromaqualityassurancemeetingwhenIsawthem.
Sawhim
Elistoodattheendofthehallway,wearingglassesonceagain,headhunglowashefocusedonwhatMinamiOkawassaying,somethingprivateandexclusiveaboutthewaytheybenttowardeachother.Heraisedoneeyebrowinthatmannerthatwasimprintedinmybrain,andDr.Okalaughedandpretendedtopunchhimonthearm,and—
Iwalkedaway,heatrisingupmythroat.
Hewasthere,again.OnHarknessbusiness.Laughing,asthoughtheterriblethingstheyweredoingtoKline,tous,werejustajoke.Isatatmydeskforseveralminutesaseverymoment,everysecond,everytouchandhitchedbreathandheatedlookfromlastSaturdayrakedthroughmelikenailsdownmyback.I’dhadhim.WhydidIstillwanthim?WhatwasIsupposedto—
Aknockonthedoorframe.“Dr.Siebert?Hi.”
Shit.“Hi.”
“I’mMinami.WithHarkness.It’ssonicetomeetyou.”
“Rue.”Istoodandweshookhandsovermydesk,mymountainsofPost-its,theweeklycalendarTishahadgivenmeasaChristmaspresent.Eachpagehadadifferentselfie.
OfTisha.
“Doyouhaveaminutetotalk?”
IwonderedifitwasgoingtobeaboutEli.ThenwhetherIwaslosingmydamnmind:weweretwoengineersinaprofessionalsetting—surelywecouldpasstheBechdeltest.“Please,sit.HowcanIhelpyou?”
“Iwaslookingatyourproject,actually.Acolleaguetoldmeaboutyourmicrobialcoating,becauseitalignswiththeworkIdidduringmyPhD.”
Bechdeltest:failed.“Youworkedonfoodconservation?”
“Forabit.Iendedupwritingmydissertationonbiofuels.”
“Isee.”ItexplainedwhyHarknesshadbeentargetingKline.IfMinamiwasanexpert,shemustknowthevalueofFlorence’sresearch.
Acurlofangerunfoldedinsidemystomach.
“Ihavesometimebeforeameeting.”Minamisoundedgenuine.Nice.“I’dlovetohearmoreaboutyourwork.”
“Iturninbiweeklyreportsthatareavailableforeveryonetoread.Doyouhaveaccesstooursciencedirectory?”
“Ido.ButI’dlovetohearfromyou—”
“No,”Isaidsoftly.“I’msorry.”
Minami’seyeswidened,buthersmilewassteady.“Ifyou’rebusy,wecould—”
“That’snotit.I’mnottryingtoberude,butIdon’twanttowasteyourtime.FlorenceKlineisoneofmyclosestfriends.”
Minami’ssmiledidn’tdim,buthereyeslostsomebrightness.“Well,thisisdisappointing,butIunderstand.”Shepressedherlipstogether.“Listen,Rue,itmightnotbemyplace,butIthinkfairwarningsareeveryone’sright,and—”
Anothersoftknockinterruptedher.“Youready?Theboardishere.”
ItwasEli’svoice.Myheartthuddedsoloud,Iwassurehecouldhearit.Hishandsgrippedeachsideofthedoor,andIfocusedonhislongfingerstoavoidmeetinghiseyes.ItwasonlywhenMinamistoodthatIrealizedthathewasn’tthereforme
“I’llmakearestroomstopandmeetyouthere,Eli.”
“Soundsgood.”
Shewavedhergoodbyesatme,duckedunderEli’sarm,andleftus.
Alone.
Istaredattheplacewhereshe’ddisappeared,feelingoutofsorts.
“Rue,”Elisaid.Icouldn’tdoanythingexcepttenseallmymuscles.Hopethatit’dkeepmefromshatteringintotinypieces.
“Rue,”herepeated,thistimesoundingentertained.Likehewaslaughingatme
Youhavetoanswerhim.Youcannotignorehim.Youhavenoreasonto.
Iglancedup.“Sorry.Iwasdistracted.Hi,Eli.”
Oureyesmet,andallofasuddenIfeltasthoughheweretouchingme.Hewasspoolinggrateful,filthypraisesinmyearasIcameuncontrollably.Hewasgrippingthehairatthebackofmyneckandshowingmewhatheliked.
Thenthefloodgatesopened,forrealthistime,inhot,nearpainfulflashes.Hisopenmouthtrailingdownmyribcage.Hisobviousarousalagainstmyhip.ThewayhiseyeshadrolledbackwhenI’dfirsttakenhiminmymouth.Andthen,theabsolutebefuddlementofcomingapartaroundhisfingers.
I’dhadsexbefore,goodsex.Butwithhimithadbeenjust—
“Rue.”
“Yes?”
Histhroatworkedthroughaswallow.Forasecondheseemed—angry,maybe,orsomethingelse.Formorethanasecond.Buthequicklycycledthroughtheemotionandemergedontheothersidewithoneofhisself-assuredsmiles.“Haveagoodday,”hesaid,maybeamusedandmaybenot.Hepushedawayfromthedoorframeandleft,hisdeterminedstepsricochetingagainstthewallsoftheemptyhallway,anditwasn’tuntilIcouldn’thearthemanymorethatIbentmyheadandmanagedtowhisper,“You,too.”13
Theawful,secretonesRue
IttookabouttwohoursforEli’swordstostopechoinginsidemyhead.Aftertwomore,Florencestoppedbytoseeme.
“Whathappenedattheboardmeeting?”Iasked.
“Notmuch.Ericboughtsomeoftheirlies,andtheygotsomeconcessions,butnothingtoworryabout.I’llneedtosendthemsomedocumentsintheirpreferredformat.”Sherolledhereyes.“They’llreviewandfindnothingsuspicious,becausethere’snothingtobefound,andeveryone’sprecioustimewillbehappilywasted.”Sheshrugged.“AtleastHarknesspromisednottohaveanon-sitepresenceanymore.Hey,didIseeEliKillgoreandMinamiOkaloiteringaroundyourofficeearlier?”
“I…wasn’there.Iwouldn’tknow.”
Sheleftwithawaveofherhandandasatisfiedsmile,andIwonderedwhenthelasttimewasthatI’dliedsodeliberatelytoafriend.
Never,Ithought,theshameofitsourinmythroat.Atleast,notthatIcouldrecall.
IfonegoodthingcouldbesaidofHarkness,itwasthatitkeptitspromise,becauseIdidn’tseeEliduringthefollowingweek.Hisabsencefrommylife—andtheabsenceofthehavochewreakedinit—feltlikearewardforbeing,ifnotagoodperson,someonewhoreturnedgroceryitemstotheiroriginalplaceswhenshechangedhermindmid-shopping,evenifitwasseveralaislesaway.
IwentovertoFlorence’sforTisha’sbirthdaydinner,andfoundhermostlyannoyed.“Theykeepaskingformoreandmoredocuments,beyondanythingthat’sreasonableorthathasbeenagreedupon,”Florencesaid,cuttingasliceofcheesecake.Thedarkcircleswerebackaroundhereyes.“I’mstartingtowonderifthey’reusingthecopieswesendthemfortheirkids’papier-machéprojects.”
Ipausedwithmyglassmidair,rememberingEli’swordsattheretirementparty.“Can’twejustgivethemaccesstoeverything?Wehavenothingtohide,afterall.”
“Wecould,ifwebelievedthatthey’reactingingoodfaith.Butweknowbetter.Plus,it’snotsosimple.Alotofthesedocumentshavetobepreparedbytheaccountants.LikeIsaid,ahugetimeandmoneypit.”
See,Eli?IknewthatFlorencehadananswer.
“Butitdoesn’tmatter,becauseIhaveaplantogetoutofthismess.”Hersmilewassuddenlybroadandinfectious.
“Aplan—Iloveplans!”Tishaclappedherhands.“Dotell?”
FlorencestuckasinglecandleinTisha’ssliceandhandedheraplate.“I’vebeentalkingtosomepotentialinvestors.Ideally,they’lldecidetobackusandgiveusthecapitaltopayoffourloantoHarkness.”
“WouldHarknessagreetotakethemoneyandleave?”Iasked,skeptical.Wasn’ttheirendgamethebiofuel?
“Theywouldn’thaveachoice.”
IimaginedafutureinwhichHarknesswasoutofthepicture.Whatitwoulddofortheconstant,low-levelbuzzofguiltI’dbeendealingwith,knowingthatIhadn’tsleptwiththeguywhomighttakeFlorence’scompanyawayfromher—I’dsleptwiththeguywho’dfailedatit.
Iwantedthatfutureso,sobad.
Itwasn’tuntillaterthatnight,whileIwasaddingnutrientstomyhydroponicgarden,thattheimplicationsfullyhitme:IfFlorencesucceeded,ImightneverseeEliKillgoreagain.Thereliefwassostrong,itfeltlikesomethingelsealtogether.
“Doyouhaveanyideahowmuchoneofmybillablehourscosts?”NyotaaskedmethenexttimeweFaceTimed.Herphonewasproppedonhertreadmill,andsheappearedtoberunninganeasysix-minutemilewithbarelyapuff.I’dbeenanathleteforhalfmylife,butholyshit
“Hundredsofdollars,I’dguess.”
“You’dberight.Remindme,whyamIconsultingforyouforfree?”
“BecauseI’vebeenholdingontothatpictureofyourgothphaseforthelastdecade?”
Shemutteredawordthatsoundedliketwitch.“Fortherecord,thisisextortionandblackmail.Bothfelonies.AndIhateyou.”Asigh.“Igotthecontractyouemailed.Theonethatsupposedlysaysthattheraviolipatentisyours,nomatterwhat.”
“It’samicrobialcoating—”
“Yes,you’reanerdfirstandahumanbeingsecond.We’reallaware.Anyway,Ihaven’tgottenachancetolookatthatcontractyet.ButIdidcheckyourbrother’sletter.”
“And?”
“Honestly,I’mnotarealestatelawyer,butyourbestbetistobuyhimout.Canyouaffordit?”
CouldI?Thetechindustrypaidwell,andIdidhavesavings.EnoughtobuyVince’shalfofthecabin,though?“Probablynotrightnow.”
“Youcouldgetaloan.”
Icould.ExceptthatmycreditscorewasstillconvalescingaftertheabuseI’dputitthroughduringmyPhD.“Withmyluck,theloanwouldendupbeingownedbyapackofhyenas.OrbyHarkness—samedifference.”
Nyotachuckled,whichmademefeeloddlyproud.Boogereater,Iremindedmyself.Youdon’tneedtoimpressher.
“Tishtellsmethingsarelookingup,”shesaid,stillbreathingeasily.“WithHarkness,Imean.”
“Hopefully.IfFlorencefindsabetterlender.Oranylender,sinceI’mnotsurethereareworseones.”
“Don’tbesosure.Harknessisnotthatbad.”Shenoticedmysurprisedeyebrowandcontinued,“Don’tgetmewrong,therearenoethicsincapitalismandallthat.Buttheseguysareonthelessgrossendofthespectrumofit.Guesshowmanycompaniesthey’vebankrupted?”
Ihadnoideawhataplausiblenumberwas.Three?Seventeenhundred?“Twelve.”
“That’sdisturbinglyspecific,andno.Zero.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Iwouldn’tgoasfarassayingthatthey’reputtingsocialresponsibilitybeforeprofit,butatleasttheytry.OrmaybeI’mjustmildlyfascinatedbecauseIworkinfinance—doesn’texactlycrawlwithpeoplewithastrongmoralcompass.Orweak.Orany.”Sheshruggedmid-stride.Impressive.“Atleastthey’renotsaddlingthecompaniestheyacquirewithdebt,orcuttingjobs.They’relong-term.TheirMOseemstobetoinvestincompaniestheybelieveinandusetheircapitaltogrowthem.Andtheyseemtobeveryintuitivewhenitcomestofiguringoutwhattechhasgoodmarketpotential.”
IthoughtaboutMinamiandherdegree.“Whataboutwhatthey’retryingtodotoFlorence?Havetheyevertargetedacompanytoobtaincontroloftheirtech?”
“NotthatIknowof.Butdon’tworry,Rue.They’restillmakingmoneyoutofmoneyandallthatgrossshit.”Shegrinned.“Youareallowedtohatethem,ifthat’swhatsparksjoy.”
TishaandIhadn’tbeentheonestostartKline’smonthlyjournalclub,butFlorencehadforcedustotakeoverwhenourpredecessormovedtoacushyjobattheCDCandadearthofvolunteersbecameapparent.Andyet,whilewemaynothavebeentheclub’sfirst,wewereundoubtedlytheclub’sbest
Noonewantedtoreadscientificpapersintheirsparetime,letalonehaveroundtablediscussionsaboutthem.So,afterthefirstmonthlymeetinghadanattendanceofthree(Tisha,me,andastrong-armedJay,whodidnotreadthepaperandthreatenedtocallHR),wedecidedthatsomechangeswereoverdue.Amongthem:movingtheclubtoThursdayafternoons,snacks,and,mostimportantly,akegbudget—whichFlorencehadagreedto,“inordertoincentivizecontinuingeducation.”
Attendancehadskyrocketed.“Journalclub”hadbecomeasynonymfor“company-widenonmandatoryparty.”EvenI,nosocialbutterfly,enjoyeditforseveralreasons:ninetimesoutoftenIgottochoosethepaper(nooneelserememberedtosubmitideasintime);itwasmucheasierformetointeractwithpeoplewithinthestructureofaguideddiscussion;andbeerwasapowerfulsociallubricant.Yougiveoutwaylessofa“talktome,andI’llfuckupyourhumanrights”vibewhenyou’redrunk,Nyotahadtoldmeyearsbefore,watchingTishaandmestumblehomesloshed,mistakethebathtubforabed,anduseMrs.Fuli’sloofahsforpillows.
Ihadelectedtotakeitasacompliment.
ThatThursday,amidsomebisphenolAsoapboxing,modelingtechniquesslander,burps,andsomeonepointingoutoverandoverthatthey’dbeeningradschoolwiththethirdauthoronthepaper,Iwasseveralbeersin.
“…withoutevenconsideringtheethical…”
“…alwayssuchaknow-it-all…”
“…isthismyglassoryours?”
“…theycompletelymisattributedthecatalyticactivity.”
ThelastonewasMatt.Tragically,Iagreedwithhim,butIwasn’tabouttoadmititunderthreatofanythinglessthanradicalannihilation.SoIstood,gaveTishaapointedshouldwemaybewrapthisshitupandgohome?look,andheadedfortheclosestrestroom.
Iwaslightheaded,definitelybuzzed—butnotwastedenoughtowarranttheapparitioncomingtowardmeinthehallway.Elicouldn’tbehere,couldhe?Hewasn’tallowedatKlineanymore.
Hisslacksandbutton-downlookedlikethey’dbeenafullsuitandtieabouteighthoursago.HishairhadbeencutsincethelasttimeI’drunmyfingersthroughit.Stillmessy,alittleshorter.Theglasseswerethere,too.Theydidn’tmakehimlooksmarter,orsofter,ormoredistinguished,buttheydidtransformhimintoPrivateEquityEli.
Evenworse,theysuitedhim,whichwasjustunforgivable.
“Areyouokay?”heasked.Hisvoicesoundedtoorealtobesomethingpulledfrommymemories.Andyet,itmustbe.
“Whydoyouask?”
“You’vebeenstaringatmeforthirtyseconds.”Helookedhappytoseeme,andthethoughtwasinfuriating,whetherhewasactuallyhappyorI’dconjuredhimthatway.Hehadnoright.Mybrainhadnoright.Thathappinesswasunearned.
“Rue,”hesaid,amused.
“Eli,”Isaid,tryingforthesametone.Ireachedout,pokingtheclosestpartofhim.Anunfathomablysolid,veryunimaginedbicep.
Fantastic.Ilovedcomingacrosslikeanidiot.“Youknow,”Itoldhimprosaically,“onceuponatime,backbeforeI’deverheardthewordHarkness,thisstartupusedtobereallynice.”
“Uh-huh.Isthatwhyyou’resoclearlydrunkatyourworkplaceatsixp.m.?”
“It’sjournalclub.”
Heseemedintrigued.“Yougetdrunkatjournalclub.”
“Maybe.”Ishrugged.Myheadswam.“Thefirstruleofjournalclubis,don’ttalkaboutjournalclub.”
“Whoa.”Hepretendedtorecoil.“DrunkRuemakesjokes?”
Iconsideredgivinghimthefinger,buthe’denjoyitwaytoomuch.“Whyareyouhere?”Myeyesfellonthemanilafolderinhishand.“Stealingcompanyproperty.ShouldIcallsecurity?”Ithoughtaboutadorable,elderlyChuck,withhisbeerbellyandquicksmileandcheerfulgoodmornings.PicturedhimtryingtoescortaresistingElioutside.MyfantasydidnotendwellforChuck,andsincehewasapproachingretirement,Idecidedtoabandonit.
“Everythingthat’sinthisfolderbelongstome,”hesaid,alittleharshly.Iwasn’tinthebeststateofmindtospotalie,soIdidn’tquestionhim.Notevenwhenaprolonged,vaguelyuncomfortablesilencefellbetweenus.
“Howareyou,Rue?”heaskedquietly,onceacenturyortwohadpassed.
“Drunk,asyoupointedout.”
“Asidefromthat?”
Ishrugged—asaccurateadescriptionofmyfeelingsasIcouldmuster.
“It’dbenicetohaveananswer,sinceyou’veignoredmeforweeks,”hesaidamiably.
“HaveI?Ordidouracquaintancecometoitsnaturalandpredeterminedend?”
“Maybeitdid.”Hisjawtensedandhiseyescooled,likehewasnolongerinthemoodtofeignnonchalance.“Andmaybeyoudon’thaveanyobligationtovaluemypeaceofmind.I’dstilllovetoknowifwhenyouandIweretogetherIdidanythingtoupsetyou.Orhurtyou.”
“No.”Hadhebeencarryingthisaroundforthepasttwoweeks?Istudiedhim,andthevaguelyinebriatedthoughthitmethathewasabsolutelythetypetodothat.Therewassomethingwhiteknight-yabouthim.Observant.Hecares,hereallydoescareaboutdoingtherightthing.WhyishewithHarkness,then?“Everythingwasfine.”
Hescannedmyfaceforlies.Hislipstwistedintoaslowsmile.“Fine,huh?”
“Good.Itwasverygood.”ThoughnotasgoodasIremembered,Iwascertainofit.Imusthaveinflatedthenightinmyhead.Glorifieditpastreality.
Nothingwasthatgood.
“Yeah.”Hiseyesdarkened.Whenhespokeagain,hisvoicewasrougher.“Ithoughtthesame.Toobadfornorepeats.”
Tragic,really,Ithought.Withthebeersloshingthroughmyveins,thatruleseemedflimsierthanever.AndmaybeElicouldreadmymind,becausehesaid,“Gooutonadatewithme.”Thewordsseemedtoexplodeoutofhim,unpremeditated.HeappearedjustassurprisedbythemasIwas,butdidn’tbacktrack.“Dinner,”hecontinued,decisive,asifhappythathe’dmanagedtoask.“Letmetakeyoutodinner.”
ItwasallIcoulddonottolaughinhisface.“Why?”
“Because.Ihaven’tseenyouintwoweeksand—Iactuallydolikethis.Beingwithyou.”Thatself-effacing,teasingsmileofhis—Iwantedtotouchit.“Youcantellmemorestories.Theawful,secretones.I’lllistenandtellyoumine.”
Itoccurredtomethatiftherewasapersonintheworldwhocouldcometodinnerwithmeandnotbedisappointedbyhowawkward,boring,inadequateIwas,itwasprobablythisman.We’dbeennothingbutbrutallyhonestwitheachother,afterall.Nopretensesbetweenus.ButifhavingsexwithhimfeltlikeabetrayalofFlorence,talkingwithhimwouldbepuretreason.“Stories?Likeofhowyouendeduptryingtostealmyfriend’swork?”
Hisexpressionhardened.“Yes,actually.Icouldtellyouabout—”Abruptly,hestopped.Hisstrongnecktensedasheturnedoverhisshoulder,andamomentlaterhewaspushingmethroughtheclosestdoorwayandintoalab.Hepressedmeintoaworkstationthatcouldn’tbeseenthroughtheglasswalls.
Mysluggishbraincouldn’tkeepup.“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked,andthenfellsilent.Ahandfulofvoicesweregettingcloser.
“Youknowwhothatis?”
Ishookmyhead.
“Kline’sCEOanditsgeneralcounsel.”Hiseyesheldmineinwhatfeltlikeachallenge.“Ihavenoproblemwithyourfriendseeingustogether,butIfiguredyoumight?”
Idid.SoIfellsilent,lettingthebiteoftheworkbenchdigintomylowerback,listeningasFlorence’svoicegrewfainter.Eliremainedclose,hishandscagingmetothetable,anditsoakedtheairbetweenus,theshameofwhatI’ddone.WhatIstillwantedtodo.
“Whatareyouthinking?”heasked.
Iblurtedoutthetruth.“Yousaid‘negotiated.’?”
Aconfusedlook.“What?”
“Ontheapp.Thechecklistpartofit,itasksaboutkinks.Youwrote‘ifnegotiated’butdidn’telaborate.”
Hisgazesharpenedtosomethingsointense,Icouldn’tconceiveit.Itwasheady.Alittleunhinged.
“YouwanttoknowwhatI’minto?”
Inodded.
“Why?”Hisheadtilted.“AreyouhopingI’lltakecontrol?ThatifI’mtheonecallingtheshots,it’llmakeyoufeellessguiltyaboutbeingwithme?”
Uncomfortable,howspot-onhewas.“Ijustthinkweshouldfuckagain,”Iheardmyselfsay.Thealcoholdulledthebluntnessofmywords,butEli’spupilsstillwidened.
“AsfarasIcanrecall,weneverdidthat.”
“Semantics.”
“Howmuchhaveyouhadtodrink,Rue?”
“Idon’tknow.”Idid.“Afewbeers.”Three.Afewsipsofafourth.
“Yeah.Okay.”Hetookastepback.TurnedawaytostareatanembossedKlinelogoonthewall,tendonstenseonthesideofhisneck,asifundergreatstrain.Thenhelookedbackatme,onceagaintightlyleashed.“Wecanrevisitthematterwhenyou’vemetabolizedthealcoholoutofyoursystem.”
“JustlikeImetabolizedyou?”Isaidundermybreath.Hisnostrilsflared.“Wecouldleavetogether.Tonight.”
“Rue.”
“Unlessyou’rebusy.”
“Rue.”
“Youcansayno,ifyou—”
“Rue.”Hisinterestwasapalpablepresence,asconcreteasthefloorbetweenus.He’sgoingtosayyes,Ithought,elated.But:“Tomorrow.”Hisknuckleswhitenedaroundtheedgeofthebench.“Werevisitthistomorrow,ifyoustillwantto.Callme,andI’lltellyouwhatIlike.”Hehadthefinallookofsomeonewhohadn’tbudgedinyears.
“Sure.Inthemeantime,feelfreetotouchme.Orkissme.”
Heexhaled.“Rue.”
“What?It’sakiss.Areyouscaredofmenow?”
Hesteppedcloser,slowlyleaningintome.Myhearthammeredinmychest,thenexplodedwhenhelethishandslideupwardundermysweatshirt.
Mybrainstumbled.TheACblewacrosstheexposedskinofmytorso,turningitintogooseflesh.Thenhislargepalmwipedthechillaway,andapowerfulshivershookmyspine.
“Rue.”Elicluckedhistongue,patient,inchingevencloser.Hislipspressedagainstme—cornerofmouth,cheek,ear.Hespokeinalowwhisper.“Fairwarning:ifyoudon’tstoppushingme,I’mgoingtobendyouoverthisbenchandshowyouexactlywhatI’minto.”14
ThecurrentvillainofherstoryEli
TheflushonRue’scheeksremindedhimofthehotelroom—heated,paleskin,therushofredonherchestasshearchedagainsthishand,thehalf-moonofherteethbitingintohisshoulder.He’dneverdoubtedthatshe’denjoyedwhathappenedbetweenthem.Butenjoymentandconsentwereverydifferentthings,andonceshe’ddisappearedoffthefaceoftheearth,hisworrieshadlainonmoreunsettlinggrounds:Hadhecrossedaboundary?Hadhescaredher?
Wasshereallydonewithhim,evenafterthat?
“Thatwasn’takiss,”shesaid.Eliwishedhervoicewasasshakyashishand,butthedarkpinkdustinghercheekboneswastheonlyhintthatshewasaffected.“Itwasn’tanythingatall.”
“Askmeagainwhenyou’resober.”
“Andyou’llsayyes.”
Itwasaquestionwithoutaquestionmark,andtwoweeksearlierhe’dhavesaidthathewasasurethingforher.Butafterhoursofwaitingforhertoreplytoasimpletext,afterthewayshe’drunout,leavinghiminamessofsweatandtangledsheets,hewasn’tsocertain.Shehadapoweroverhimthathecouldn’texplain.Yieldingmorewouldbeincrediblystupid.
ButmaybeEliwasstupid.He’dgottenmoreofachargefromoneverytamehourwithherthanwithanyoneelsebefore.He’dcomelikehewasafuckingteenager,andhiskneeshadshakenfortwentyminutesaftershe’dleft.Hecouldn’tthinkstraightaroundher,andhadnocluehowtofixhisdazedbrain.Thisshitdidn’tcomeaboutveryoften.
Hetookastepback,lettinghersweatshirtfallbackdown.Shewasstillobscenelybeautifultohim.Heshouldbeinuredbynow,buttheshapeofhereyes,thebowofherlips,theystruckhimaneweverytime.Populatedthesenewfantasiesofhisinwaysthatrangedfromabsolutelyfilthytoalmostarchitectonicallybanal.
Whatifhetookheroutfordrinkstodiscussthemeritsofhigh-pressureprocessingversusthermaltechniques,andhisfingersbrushedagainsthersacrossthetable?
Whatifhedidherlaundrytosilentlythankherforsomeofthebestsexofhislife?
Whatifhetiedherup,fuckedherass,andmadeherlikeit?
“Dude,Ithoughtyouweregoingtothebathroom.”Theybothturned.TishaFuliwasstandingatthedoor.
“Iwas.”RueputsomedistancebetweenherselfandEli.“Iforgot.”
“Youforgotthatyouneededto…ah.”Tishabeganthecuriousprocessoflookingbackandforthbetweenthem.Itlastedformanysecondsandculminatedinadumbfounded“Oh.My.God.”
Rue’sshoulderslumped—ararebreakinherperfectposture.
Eli’seyebrowrose.“What?”
“Youtwohookedup,didn’tyou?”Tishaasked.HeglancedatRue,whoremainedstoicallysilent.“Firstofall,Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttellme.Secondly,he’sliterallythereasonIhadtofigureoutmyLinkedInpassword,howisthisagoodidea?Thirdly,howwasit?”
Ruesighed,shookherhead,andwalkedoutofthelab,leavingEliandTishaalone.
Shewastall,maybeeventallerthanRue.Smoothdarkskin,classicallybeautiful.Farmoreputtogetherthananyonehadtherighttobeattheendofaworkday.They’dnevertalkedbefore,buttheyobviouslyknewwhotheotherwas,sohedecidedtosparethemboththegimmickofintroducinghimself.“Doyoutwoneedaridehome?”
“Nah.I’mthedesignateddrivertonight.”Shesmiledathimliketheyweren’tonoppositesidesofahostiletakeover.“Anyway,it’snicetofinallymakeyouracquaintance,EliKillgore,Texasresident,bornonJunetwenty-first—”
“Iwonderedwhoshe’dsentthatpicto.”
“Itwasmoi.Tisha.”Shepointedatherselfwithaflourish.“T-I-S-H-A,ifyouwanttoaddmycontacttoyourphone.Iaddedyours,justincasesomeonefindsRue’sbodyinaditch.”
“They’remorelikelytofindmine.”
“Nah.She’sabitfrosty,butshewouldn’t.She’lljustghostyou.”Shescowled.“Notlike,literally.”
“Right.”
“Shewon’tturnyouintoaghost—”
“Igotthat.”
“Boy,ifFlorencefindsout,she’snotgonnalikethis.”Tisharanahanddownherstraighthair.“Howlongagowasit?Theconsummationofyourlust,Imean.”
“Twoandahalfweeks.”Notthathe’dbeencounting.
“Soundslikethetitleofaneroticthriller.Wait—that’slongenoughthatRueshouldhaveforgottenyoueverexisted.Whyareyoutwostill—ooh.”Shegrinned.“Isee.”
“What?”
“Youwantmore.”
Hehuffed.Nearlysaid,Shewantsmore,too,likeafuckingpetulantchild.Butdidshe,orwasitahandfulofbeers?“I’mnotgoingtogetmore.”
“It’sveryunlikely,”Tishaagreedsagely.“Ruedoesn’tdouble-dip,andyouarethecurrentvillainofherstory.Although,webothknowthatFlorenceisgoingtowin.Yourdouchebaggerywillmostlybeirrelevantthen.”
HewonderedwhatFlorencehadbeentellingheremployees.WhetherTishawouldhavestillbeensosureofFlorence’svictoryifsheknewwhyEliwashereandwhathe’dbeendoingforthepastfewhours.
Thethoughtwasagoodreminderthathewasheretogetshitdone—nottostareopen-mouthedatRueandmoonoverhowgoodshesmelled.“Itwasnicetomeetyouinperson,Tisha,butI’dbettergo.”
“?’Kay.And,like,nohardfeelings,butfeelfreetonevercomeback,”shesaidcheerfully.
“I’lldomybest.”
Hecouldn’thelphissmileasheheadedfortheexit.Whenheheardthebathroomdooropenandshut,hewasproudofhimselffornotturningaround.15
Whatthehellareyoudoing?Rue
WhenIsteppedoutofthebathroomstall,Tishawasthere,nonchalantlyleaningagainstoneofthesinks,studyingherperfectlylacquerednails.Shedidn’tbotherlookingupbeforeasking,“Rue,whatthehellareyoudoing?”
Isaidnothingandwenttowashmyhands,wonderingifIwastoodrunkforthisconversation.
“Listen,Iloveyou,RueI’mnotheretojudgeyou,ortomakeyoufeelbad—becauseit’sclearthatyoualreadyfeellikeshit.Otherwiseyou’dhavetoldmewhatyouwereupto.”
Mychesthurt.Itriedtothinkofaresponse,andfoundnone.
“Areyouinlovewithhim?”
“What?”MyeyesmetTisha’sthroughthemirror.Itriedtoletoutaderisivelaugh,butthesoundthatcameoutofmewaschoked.“No.”
“Doyouthinkyoucouldbe?Ifthiscontinues?”
“I—no.”
Shesighed.“Iknowit’saridiculousquestion.Butthisissoridiculouslyoutofcharacterforyou,Ihadtoask.”
“No.No,I’mnotinlovewithhim.I’vemethimahandfuloftimes.”Iturnedaroundtofaceherdirectly.“Itwasonce.Thesexwasgood.Andhe’s…Idon’tknow.Easierformetobearoundthanmostpeople.Butit’snot—there’snothing.”
Tishaexaminedme,averticallineformingbetweenherbrows.“Listen,ifyou…ifthere’ssomethingbetweenyouguys,somethingreal,I’mgoingtobefirstinlinetosupportthat.MyloyaltyistoyoubeforeFlorence,orKline,orevenmyowndamnsister.NotBruce,though.”Herlipstwitched.Iexhaledasmalllaugh,too.“Butifyou’reseeingElijustbecausehe’sagoodfuck,thenyouneedtostoprightnowandfindsomeonewho’sgoingtobelessofaproblem.BecauseheandhisbuddiescouldstilltakeawayFlorence’slifework.Andeveniftheydon’tmanagethat,whoknowshowmanypeoplethey’vestolenfrom.Willstealfrom.Florencedeservesbetterthanthis,butthemostimportantthingis,youdeservebetterthanthis.Okay?”
Ididn’tknowwhattosay.SoIjustnodded,andwhenTishacamecloserandwrappedherarmsaroundme,Ihuggedherrightback.16
Hisheadbetweenanotherwoman’slegsEli
JustasElihadexpected,hedidn’thearfromsoberRue—notthefollowingday,northefollowingweek.Itwasonethingtobedrunkandhorny,anothertofollowthroughintheharshdaylight.Rueclearlyranherlifelikeatightship,andElicouldn’timaginetherebeingroomforhiminit—notpastthechemicalhelpalcoholcouldprovide.
Byastrokeofluck,timedidn’tallowhimtobetoomournful.OneofHarkness’sagri-techstartupswasindireneedofasuddeninfluxofcash,andsomeonewasrequiredon-sitetofigureoutthebeststrategy.HarkwasinCalifornia,soElivolunteered,thinkingthatsomedistancefromAustinwouldbeideal.Thenatwo-daytriptoIowaturnedintofivedaysofmeetingsandinspections,andonthereturnflighthefellstone-coldasleepinhisseat,hisheadajumbledexhaustionofaerialimaging,crophealth,andasymmetricallips.Theamusedlooktheflightattendantgavehimtoldhimhe’ddrooledalloverhimself.
Oncehewasback,Minamigotsick,andSultooktimeofftotakecareofher,whichmeantthatmostday-to-dayshitfelltoEliandHark,buthedidn’tmindtoomuch.BecauseElilikedhisjob.
Therealizationhadsunkintohimnottoolongago,agradualacknowledgmentmorethanathunderingmomentofself-awareness.Hisconscientiouschoiceofanexpendablemajoraside,financehadneverbeenpartofhisdreams.Andyet,hewasgoodatit.Nearlytenyearsagothey’dstartedHarknesswithasingular,specificdestination,butthejourneyhadsurprisedhimmorethanonce,andhecouldn’thelpwonderingwhatwouldhappenoncetheyreachedtheirportofcall.Whetherthey’dcomefarenough.
Hadhecomefarenough?
Aweekafterhistrip,hestumbledhomepastmidnight,exhaustedbytheback-to-backmeetings,andfoundanotescribbledinMaya’shandwritingonthekitchencounter.
Iknowyou’rebusymakingseveralshitloadsofmonies,butwillTinyandIeverseeyouagain?
Tothesidetherewasachickenpotpiecoveredincellophanewrap.Hesmiled,recallingthewhysandthehowsofhispastchoices.
Maybeitwasn’tfarenough,butitwascertainlyfar.
MinamiandSulreturnedtoworklookingrestedandmorejoinedatthehipthanusual,somuchsothatEliwonderedifthey’dfakedbeingsickandgoneonasexcruise.Therewasanewlywedenergybetweenthemthatwasaboutthreeyearslate,andifElihadpickeduponit,itwasbeingdrilledintoHark’sskullwiththeforceofaswarmoftermites
ThatnightHarksaid,“Needtoblowoffsomesteam,”andElidrovethemtothegymwithoutanycomments.Buttheracquetballcourtthey’dreservedwasalreadyoccupiedbytwowomen.“Fuckingbrilliant,”Harkmutteredunderhisbreath.
“Didyoutwobooktheroom?”oneasked.
Elismiled.“Noworries.We’llaskforanother.”
“Therearenone.Someoneelsewasusingtheonewebooked,sowecameinhere.”
EliglancedatHark,whosemoodwasrapidlydeteriorating.“That’sfine.We’lljustwaittillyou’redone.”
“Or,wanttojoinusfordoubles?”theotherplayeraskedwithagrin.
ElilookedatHarkagain,whoshruggedanindifferentwhynot.Theysplituponemanandonewomanperteam,andifElithoughtthatitwasbecauseheandHarkwouldotherwisehaveanadvantage,thatnotionwasinstantly,humblinglydispelled.
“Youtwoplayalot?”heaskedhisteammatehalfanhourlater,duringamuch-neededwaterbreak.Heusedthehemofhisshirttowipehissweat.Itwasalreadydrenched.
“Almosteverydaywhenwewereincollege.Increasinglylesssoforthepastfiveyears,”shetoldhim.“I’mPiper,bytheway.”
“Eli.”Heshookherhand.Shewasolderthanhe’doriginallythought,then.Tall,withlongdarkhair.Blueeyes.Beautiful,objectivelyso,butinawaythatwascompletelydifferentfromRue,whohadtheuncannyabilitytosoakupallthelightinaroom,likeaprismthatrefusedtospitoutrainbows.Piperwasbrightandluminousandsmiledalot.Becauseshedoesn’tdespiseyou,asardonicvoiceinhisheadsuggested.
Itwasright.
Theychattedforawhile,andElithoughtthatPiperwasskirtingthethinlinebetweenfriendlyandflirty,afamiliardance.Helistenedtoherstoriesaboutbeingapharmacist,wonderingifhewasinterested.Heshouldbe.Howrefreshing,theideaofspendingtimewithabeautiful,intelligent,funnywomanwhodidn’tloathetheideaofbeingattractedtohim.
Itwouldbegoodforhim—ahardreset.Ruehadmesseduphisparameters,butsomeoneelsemightbringhimbacktofactorydefault.Someonewithwhomasimpleconversationwouldn’tbealandmine.Someonewhowouldn’tlookathimlikehe’dturnedintoaballoonanimalwhenheaskedforadate,whosawhimasmorethanaquickfuck.Attheveryleast,racquetballwasonthetable.
DidRueplayanysports?Basketballorvolleyball,maybe,givenherheight.She’dbegoodatit,hewassure.Sheseemedcoordinated,andherbodywasstrong.He’dfeltthemusclestenseunderthepliantfleshofherthighs,andjustthatlittlemomenthadbeenmoreofaturn-onthansomeoftheseriouslydirtystuffhe’dbeenuptointhepastdecade.
“Youguysready?”Harkaskedfromhissideofthecourt,andElihadhisanswer.HewasnotinterestedinPiper.NotifwhileshetoldhimaboutherlastPacificNorthwestroadtrip,allhecoulddowasthinkwistfullyabouthavinghisheadbetweenanotherwoman’slegs.
“Thatwasunexpected,”Harktoldhimintheparkinglotaftermoreracquetball,afterElipleadedapreviouscommitmentwheninvitedoutfordinner,afterashowerspentcontemplatingthesevereidiocyofbeinghunguponRueSiebert.
“Yeah.Reallygoodplayers.”
“Imeant,thepartwhereyoudebutedyourmonasticendeavors.”
“Justtiredisall.”Historically,Elihadbeentheonewhogotaround.Girlfriends,friends,peoplehebarelyknew.Dates,relationships,hookups.Hark…evenbeforeMinami,hissexlifehadbeenmorecircumspect.Theyhadn’tdiscusseditmuchafter,becausetherewaslittletotalkabout.
“Right.NothingtodowithDr.RueSiebert,then?”
SometimesHarkwasinsufferable.“Nothingatall,”Elilied.“Didyoulike…?”
“Emily.”
“DidyoulikeEmily?”
“She’sprettyfantastic.Gavemehernumber,”Harksaidquietly.
Abeat.“Areyougoingtouseit?”
Hedidn’treply,buttheybothknewtheanswer.
Thelasttranscriptofathree-partwitnessdepositionwasdroppedonEli’sdeskthatFridaynight.“Incaseyou’reinsearchofsomelightbedtimereading,”Minamitoldhim.
Whenhelookedup,hersmilewasmischievous.
“Isit…?”
Shenodded.“Thelawyersarestillcombingthroughit.Theyrefusetocommitonwhetherthedepogivesusreasonenoughtosendanoticeofdefaultandacceleration,buttheyhavenodoubtthatsomethingweirdisgoingon.Attheveryleast,we’llbeabletogotocourtandaskformorediscovery.”
“Thankfuck.”
“Iknow.Let’sgetdinner.Tocelebrate,”Minamioffered.“Justthetwoofus,noSulorHark.I’mtiredofmystupidhusbandandyourstupidhusbandgettinginthewayofouraffair.”
Elicheckedhiswatchandgottohisfeet.“Can’t.MeetingDave.”
“Right,Iforgot.We’restillonfortomorrow,though?Allfourofus.”
“Sure.”Hegatheredhisstuff,andcouldn’thelpchucklingwhenshebeganchanting,“Hewasaskaterboy,hesaid,‘Seeyoulater,boy’?”
“C’mon.”
“Hisfriendsweren’tgoodenoughforhim.”
“It’sforanoblecause.”
“Nowhe’sahockeystar,drivingoffinhiscar.”
“You’retheworst,”hetoldherlovinglyasheslippedoutoftheroom.
ThefaceofDaveLenchantinwassmile-wrinkledandsun-weathered—somewhatsurprising,foramanwho’dlivedtwo-thirdsofhislifeinsideanicerink.HeimmediatelyspottedEli,andquicklywrappedupaconversationtoweavethroughthecrowdandgreethim.
Theyearlyfundraiserwasaninformaloccasion,notunlikethecarnivalEli’smiddleschoolhadorganizedwhenthedistrictrefusedtoallocatefundsforgraphingcalculators.Therewerebakesales,craftsstations,portraitartists,temporarytattoos,ringtossing,andevenadunktank—inwhich,Eliwasamusedtosee,sataterrifiedAlec,Dave’spartner.Theeventwasagreatmoneymakerforthecharityinitiativessponsoredbytherink.“Dr.Killgore,”Davesaid,reachinguptohugEli.They’dfirstmetwhenEliwasinhisearlyteens,butthemanhadneverbeenlessthanhalfafootshorterthanhim.
“Ineverdidgetthatdoctorate,Coach.”Beingremindedofthatpartofhislifenevergoteasier.“I’lltakemister,though.”
“Iain’tcallingyoumister,Killgore.Notafterthattimeyoubentdowntopickupacracker,threwoutyourback,andsatoutthreegames.”
“Lies.”
“Hellno.”
“ItwasanOreo.”
“Well,Ihopeitwasworthyourdignity.”Davesmiled,genuinelyhappy.“Thankyouforthegenerousdonation,Killgore.”
Elishookhishead.“Thankyoufor…”Trainingmeforyears,evenwhenIwasadumbassteenagerwhothoughthewashotshitandknewbetterthananyonearoundhim.ForbelievinginmeForcallingovertalentscouts.ForprovidingmethestructureIneededanddidn’tevenknowit.ForbeingtherewhenMayaandIwerealone.Formyentirefuckinglife,really.“Makingmedobare-knucklepush-upsontheicethattimeIshowedupwastedtopractice,eventhoughitwasRivera’sfaultforspikingtheGatorade.”
“Itwasmypleasure,son.”
“Ijustbet.”Eliwasn’tsurewhyhe’drespondedsowelltoDave’sbrandofdiscipline,especiallywhentherelationshipwithhisownparentshadalwaysbeensostrained.He’dbeenarebellious,defiantchild.OneofEli’steacherssuggestedthataphysicallydemandingextracurricularactivitymightsoakupthehostilitycoursingthroughhim,andhe’dbeenforciblyenrolledineveryteamsportthegreaterAustinareahadtooffer.Onlyhockey—andDave—hadstuck.
“How’sMayadoing?”Daveasked.“IthinkIsawheraroundacoupleweeksago?”
“VisitingAlec,probably.She’sstayingwithafriend,orshe’dbeherewithme.”WhenElihadbecomethesolecaretakerofhiseleven-year-oldsister,hisfinancialsituationhadbeendisastrous.He’dhadseveralminimum-wagejobsontopofdebtandamortgage,whichmeantlonghoursandnomoneyleftforchildcare.Leavingaclearlybereaved,obviouslyconfused,extremelyangrychildhomealonehadbeenoutofthequestion,butDavehadofferedMayaaspotonAlec’sfigureskatingtrainingteam—which,toEli’ssurprise,she’daccepted.Accesstoarink,letaloneatrainer,wouldhavebeencostprohibitive,butDavehadcoveredmostexpenses—thankstofundraiserslikethisone.Mayahadneverbeenmorethananamateurskater.Nonetheless,thesporthadgroundedher.
“Youtwoshouldcomeoverfordinnersoon.”
“Justnamethenight.”Elismiled.“Butlet’sorderout.”
“Youdamnprincess.Itwasonetime.Andhowisketchuponmacandcheesenotagoodidea?Iwasjusttellin’RuethatAlecandIhavebeentakingthesecouplescookingclasses—”
“I’msorry,”Eliinterrupted.Thehairsatthebackofhisnecklifted.“Tellingwho?”
“Youdon’trememberher?Ah,IbetyouweregonewhenshestartedtrainingwithAlec.ButshemightknowMaya.Theresheis!Rue!”Davewavedatsomeone,awidegesture,impossibletoignore.BlueeyesflashedinEli’shead.
Asmallkeychain,shapedlikeaskatingshoe.
Minami’svoice:Apparentlyshewasastudentathlete.
“Rue,couldyoucomehereforamoment?”
ShewaswearingaLenchantinRinkT-shirt.Handingasliceofpizzatoachildinanice-skatingdress.Focused,alittleremote.Outofplaceintheloud,bustlingcrowd.
Asusual,Eliwasirreparablylostatthesightofher.
Shedidn’thearDavecalling,buttheolderwomannexttohertappedhertwiceontheshoulderandpointedinDave’sdirection.Rue’seyeslifted,metEli’s,andhethought,Fuck.Me.
He’dmanagednottothinkofherobsessivelyforthepastweek—exceptwhenhehadn’t.Whichwasanembarrassingamountoftime.Mostofthetime.Allthefuckingtime.
Hedidn’tneedthis.Hedidn’tneedtoberemindedofhowphysicalshewas,ofthewayshesoakeduptheairinhislungs.Hedidn’tneedtowitnessherfulllipspartinginsurprise,orthemomentshewentvery,verystill.
Andhecertainlydidn’tneedDavehollering,“Rue,c’mere.There’ssomeoneIwannaintroduceyouto.”17
Herexistence,apparently,didalotforhimEli
Rue’smouthshapedamutedexcuseme,andshewalkedtowardthem,wipingheralready-cleanpalmsonthesidesofherjeanshorts.Eliwassuddenly,intensely,pleasurablyawareofthewarmthofhisownblood.Hewasalive,verymuchso.BecauseRueSiebertwaswalkingtowardhimwiththeairofsomeonewho’dratherbeanywhereelse.
Herexistence,apparently,didalotforhim.Morethananelaboratelystagederoticshow.
“Rue,thisisEli.UsedtobeonmyhockeyteambeforeyoubeganskatingwithAlec.”
RueandEliregardedeachother,theusualcurrentlightingthespacebetweenthem.Wordlessly,theyreachedthesamedecision.
Fakeit.
“Nicetomeetyou,Rue.”Hesoundedtoointimatetofoolanyone.
She,toosultry.“Likewise.”
Theyshookhands,andasparktraveledthroughhim,positivelypornographic.Hewantedtotakeherhomeandspreadheroutonhissheets.Hewantedtotiehertohisbed.Hewantedtoexhaustheruntilshecouldnolongerfightthisunyieldingpullbetweenthem.Hishandengulfedhers,andheimagineddrawinghercloser.Pressinganopen-mouthedkissintoherpalm.Takingheraway,someplacethatcouldonlybeclassifiedaselsewhere
Hewasunstable.Shemadehimso.
“WhenyouweretrainingwithAlec,youmighthavemetEli’ssister.MayaKillgore?”
ShelookedawayfromEli,withsomedifficulty.“Younger?”
“Earlytwentiesnow.”
“Idoubtit,then.”
Theystaredateachotherwithatouchofresignation.Someexcitement.Relief.AndwhenDavespottedsomeoneelseandexcusedhimself,theyremainedthere,unmoving,thechatterinthehallrecedingpastthismomentintime.
Elitriedtoimaginearealityinwhichhedidn’tknowRueSiebertexisted.Theemptymiseryofit.Thesheerrelief.“Hi,Rue,”hesaidsoftly.
Herbraidedhairhungpasthershoulder,asthickashiswrist.Shenoddedherhead.Asomewhatawkwardresponsethatsomehowmadeperfectsense.“Whyisitthatwekeepmeetinglikethis?”
“Likethis?”
“Bychance.”
Hehuffedalaugh.“Maybewejusthavelotsincommon.”
Hermarvelouslipspressedtogether.“Thatseemsunlikely,”shesaid,obviouslyunwillingtoadmitthattheybelongedtothesameplaces.Lovedthesamethings.Whatamindfuckthiswomanwastohim.
“Alectrainedyou?”He’dseenalotofskatersinhislife,andRuedidn’tlooktheparttoomuch,butshenodded.“Whendidyoustop?”
“Finalyearofcollege.”
“Injuries?”
“Someminorones,butthatwasn’tthereason.”
He’djustbetshe’dbeenlikehim:notgoodenoughtogopro,butgoodenoughtogetafullride.“You’retallforafigureskater.”
“Thathadmoretodowithit.”
Herlong,stronglegs.Themusclesinhercore,tighteningassheshudderedandarchedintohim.Hetriedtopicturewhatitwouldtaketodanceontheicewithacenterofgravityashighashers.Withthelengthofherlimbs,thekindofcontrolshe’dhavemasteredtoachievetheelevation,precision,speedduringjumps.Hesavoredthementalimage,theanticipationitcreated.He’dnevergivenfigureskatersasecondthought,butherstrengthdidsomethingforhim.Rue,sweatinganddoingbeautifulthings.Rue,powerfulandquietlyfierce.Shewouldmatchhim.Infact,shealreadyhad.
“Didyouwanttogopro?”heasked.
“Iwasdonewiththewholethingabouttwoweeksintocollege.Itwasactuallyatightropetowalk,beingjustdecentenoughtohavemytuitionwaived.”
“Icanimagine.”
“Insistingonchoreographingmyroutinesto‘PumpUptheJam’helped.”
Hefelthimselfsmile.“Istillcan’ttellwhenyou’rejoking.”AndIfuckingadoreit.
“Itoldyou,Iwasbornwithoutasenseofhumor.It’scongenital.”
Bullshit.“Yeah?”
“You’vemetmybrother.Doyouthinkhe’sthetypetogiggleoverpuns?”
Heassessedher.Triedtosolveher.Failed.“It’sokay,ifyouprefertoplayitthisway.”
“Rue,”thewomanfromthepizzastandcalled,“we’reoutofwaterbottles.Couldyougetsomemorefromtheback?”HereyesslidtoEli,suspicious.“Maybethatbrawnygentlemancanhelp?”
Hesmiled.“It’dbemypleasure,ma’am.”
HefollowedRuetooneofthemanystoragerooms.Uniforms,oldhelmets,andtheoccasionalstickpiledonallsurfaces,andhehadtosidestepseveralboxesofpucksjusttofindthelightswitch.Hisbrainhiccuped,disorientedintime:hehadn’tbeeninhereinoveradecade,butthelogoonthegreenjerseyswasasfamiliartohimastheweightoftheheadonhisshoulders.
“HaveyoukeptintouchwithAlecsincegraduating?”heasked.Ifhecouldn’thaveher,heatleastwantedtoknowthingsabouther.TilesfortheRuemosaicthathadtakenupresidenceinhisbrain.
“Yeah.”Sheunearthedacartfromunderaboxofshinguards.Intheharshceilinglights,shewaspalerthanusual,hercurvesmeetingdramaticshadowsandnarrowangles.“Didyoursister?”
“Yup.Alechasdonealotforourfamily.”
“Forme,too.”
“Yeah?”
“WhenIwasateenager,he’dbringfoodtotherink,justforme.Sandwiches,veggiesandhummus.Healthysnackswithprotein.”Shestoppedunloadingthecart,eyesunfocusedinthemiddledistance.“IneverevensaidIwashungry.”
Heobservedher,recallingtheslightframeofteenageRue.Wasn’therprojectonshelflifeextensionofproduce?“Andwereyouhungry?”
Sheshookoffthememoryofit,andherealizedthatthisonehadn’tbeenoneoftheuglystoriesthey’dgottenintothehabitofexchanging.She’dshareditwithhimwithoutquitewantingto.“Doyouseethewater?”sheasked.
Hepointedatthecarthe’djustloadedwitheightybottles.
“Ah.Right.”Shescratchedthebackofherneck,uncharacteristicallyflustered.Afuckingsighttobehold.Hewantedtopullherapart,watchtheatomsofhersquirminpleasure,andtakehisownsweettimeputtingthembacktogether.Hewantedhertofeelthewayhedid.
“Myex-fiancéewasachef,”hesaid.
Herlookwasblank.“And?”
“Shewas—is—damngood.Andshethoughteveryoneshouldhaveatleastthreesignaturedishestheycouldpreparewithoutneedingarecipe.”
“Toimpressatdinnerparties?”
Helaughed.McKenziewould,too,attheideaofwantingtoimpress.“Tobeabletoeatgoodfood.Byyourselforwithothers.”
“I’mnotsurewhereyou’regoingwiththis.”
“TherearethreedishesIcanmake.BecauseaprofessionalMichelinrestaurantcheftaughtme.”Rueblinked,likeitstillwasn’tclear.“Icouldfeedyouwell.Ifyou’restillhungry,thatis.”
Shegavehimawide-eyedlookandslippedintospeechlessness.Thenshemovedcloser,andthebloodinhisveinsthickenedasshepushedontothetipsofhertoes.Herheatwarmedhim,andherchintiltedup,andhermouth—
Heturnedhisheadawaybeforeherlipscouldtouchhis.
Which,hisbodyimmediatelylethimknow,wasasupremelyfucked-upidea.Goback.Kissher.Lockthedoor.Pullhershirtupandhershortsdown.Bendherover.Youknowwhattodonext.Shedoes,too.
Ruetookastepback,lookingconfused,maybehurtbytherejection.
Eli’sbodyrevolted.Hewassohard,hecouldfeelhiserectionpulsateagainstthezipperofhisjeans,bentatapainfulangle.Whenshemadetoleave,hestoppedherwithahandonhershoulderandspunheraround.“Wait.”
Sheliftedherchin.Hereyesheldahintofchallenge.
“Ilivenearby,”hesaid.Agambit.“Youcouldcomeover.Retrieveyourproperty.”
“Myproperty?”
“Youleftsomethinginthathotelroom.”
Hewatchedherscanhermemories,andhereyeswidenedwhenshestumbledupontheanswer.“Youcouldhavethrownthemaway.”
“Thethoughtneveroccurredtome.”
“They’renotyoursize,youknow.”
“TheydefinitelyworkedwhenIusedthem.”Hewasbeingdeliberatelycrude,maybetoremindhimselfofwhatlayunderneaththisdistancebetweenthem.Maybetoremindher
“Youcan’thaveKline,soyoustolemyunderwear.”
“Oh,Rue.IcanhaveKline.”Hereyesnarrowed,andhecontinued,“Ijustwantedakeepsake.Ifyoudon’twantthemback,youcanleavethemwithme—it’sagoodhome.Butcomeoveranyway.Forfun.”
Thatlastnlingeredbetweenthem.Alongmatrixofcalculationsplayedoutonherbeautifulface.Heletherthinkitthrough,waitingbreathlesslyfortheoutcome.Hisheartskippedabeatwhenshesaid,“Okay.I’llcomeover.”
Fuck.
Fuck.
Heneededtocalmdown.Hecouldn’tbethisworkedup,justbecauseofahandfulofwords.
“Cool.Ihaveonecondition,though,”hesaid.
“Acondition?”She’dclearlyneverconsideredthepossibility,andmaybehewantedtofuckhermorethaneverwhenshelookedconfused.Itwastheassholeinhim,theonewhogotoffonbeingonestepaheadandincharge,theonewhowantedtolockherinhisroomandkeepherthereformonths.
“IfItakeyoutomyplace,you’renotrunningoutonme.”
Herarmscrossedonherchest.“Areyouplanningonholdingmehostage?”
“Thatseemslikealotofneedlesswork.Andafelony.”Heletgoofhershoulder.Itdidn’tseemprudenttokeeptouchingher.
“I’mgoingtoleavewhenIwanttoleave,”shesaidcalmly.
“I’mnotaskingyoutomarrymeandhavemytriplets,Rue.”Hekepthistonecasual.Anythingresemblingearnestnessoremotionalintimacywouldhavespookedher.“Youdon’thavetostayanylongerthanyoulike.Ifyouwanttoleavebecauseit’stoomuch,oryou’rebored,orbecausethesexisnotwhatyouexpectedandsimplydoesn’tdoitforyou,byallmeans,go.Butdon’trunoutlikeyoudidlasttime.Itscaredtheshitoutofme.I’maskingyoutocommunicate.”
“Ijust…”Shedidn’tcontinue,buthedidn’tneedherto.
“Iknow.”Somethingsoftenedinsidehimatherlostexpression.“Itwasintenseforme,too.”Hehadnoillusionthathecouldfuckheroutofhissystem.Ifhewashonestwithhimself,he’dknownthiswasgoingtobesomethingelsefromtheveryfirstnight.
Shewassomethingelse.Utterlyunique.Unpredictable.Deliciouslycomplicated.
Ruepointedatthewater.“Ihavetogohelpout.”
“AndIhavetodomybesttosinkAlecinakiddiepool.”
“Aworthwhileendeavor.”Hermouthcurled.“I’llcomefindyouwhenI’mdone.”
“Willyou?”Orwillyouchickenoutagain?
“Yes.”
Herexpressionwasimpenetrable,buttherewassomethinginhertone—somethingElirecognizedinhimself.AmIholdingyouhostagethesamewayyouholdme?Tellme,Rue.Justbetweenyouandme.
Becausethistime,hewassureshewouldcome.18
OurcurrencyRue
IdrovebehindEli’shybrid,tailinghimdownthetree-linedstreetsofAllandale,throughthesoftglowofthebistrolights.Helivedinacharmingtwo-storysingle-familyhome,amid-centuryconstructionwithreddishbricksandawidelawnthathadmeinstinctivelythinkingofhisex-fiancée.Werewegoingtohavesexinabedhe’dboughtduringarelationship-strainingtriptoIKEA?WaswhathadbrokenthemupadisagreementovertheEkolnsoapdispenser?
Irrelevant.Noneofmybusiness.ButI’dneverbeentoaman’splace.Maybebyaccidentincollege,withsomeguyIwouldn’thaverecognizedthefollowingdayifhe’dsatnexttomeinChemistry201.ThiswasEliKillgore,though.Breakingmystreaks.Ruiningmyplans.Makingmewanttodoterrible,disloyalthings
“Stillwanttodothis?”heasked,waitingformeatthedoorwhenIgotoutofthecar.Hisvoicehadburrowedamongthesulciofmybrainandwasnowprominentlyfeaturedinmydreams.Afewdirtyones,whichIcouldeasilybrushoff,andlotsofunsettling,preposterousscenarios.He’dstandbehindandasktoobservemyX-raydiffraction,orexplainwhataleveragedbuyoutwaswithNyotanoddingbyhisside.WheneverIreachedouttotouchhim,he’dsay,Let’srevisitthistomorrow.
Itwasfinallytomorrow.“Yes.”
Insteadofunlockingthedoor,hebentdownandkissedmehard,ahandclosedaroundmywaist,theotherpalmpressingmeagainstthewall.Itwassudden,andinstantlygood,andtheveryoppositeofthekindofrestrainthe’dshownbackatthehotel,inKline’sechoeyhallways,anhourearlierattherink.Hewantedmetofeeltrapped.Toknowexactlyhowhardhewasandhowquickly.Tobeawareofhisstrength,deepinsidemybones.
“Jesus,youfeelgood.”Hetrailedopen-mouthedkissesdownmythroat.Hisfingerssliduptocupmybreast,andhiseyesfollowedsuit.I’dneverfeltmorebeautifulthanwhenhelookedatme.LikeIwasthefinalprototypeofsomeone’sentirefantasylife.
“Weshouldgoin.”Mywordslaboredagainsthislips.
“Inaminute.”Hisfingersskimmedbetweenmyfleshandthewaistofmyjeans.Isuckedinthenightair.“It’sbeenafewlongfuckingweeks,Rue.”
“Iknow.”
Withapredatorygrin,henippedatmythroat.Chasedthatwithalick.Squeezedmyassinawaythatcouldonlybedescribedasindecent.ItfeltlikecenturiesbeforeIheardthejingleofhiskeys,feltthepushofhishandguidingmeinside,watchedthelightsfromthestreetdisappearasEliclosedthedoorbehindus,and—
Iwasassaulted.Byathree-hundred-poundgrizzlybear.Itbellowedatmeasitspawsslammedintomytorsowiththeforceofadinosaur-extinguishingmeteor,sendingmecareeningbackintoEli’ssolidfront.
“Tiny,down.”Hisvoicewaswarmbutauthoritative.Thebear—dog,agiantdog—trottedback,waggingitstail.Itstaredatmewithsomethingthatcouldn’tanatomicallybeasmile,butfundamentallyfeltlikeone.
IplasteredmyselfagainstEli’schest.Oneofhisarmssnakedaroundmytorso,holdingmeclose.“Isit…hungry?”Iasked,eyeingthemuttsuspiciously.Hemusthavebeencrossbredwithahorse.Hisfurcontainedthirtydifferenttypesofbrown,andhistonguerolledoutofhismouthlikeanancientscroll.
“Always.”Withonehandstillclosedaroundmyhip,hebenttogivethedogseveralenergeticpets,causinghimtohelicopterhistailandbarkinbliss.
Maybecomingherehadbeenamistake.
“Areyouallergictodogs?”heasked,noticingmydiscomfort.
Ishookmyhead,eyesneverlettinggoofthemammoth.WashisnameTiny?Whatintheactualfuck?
“You’renotscaredofthem,areyou?”
Iwasn’t.OrmaybeIwas.Ihadn’thadsufficientdogexposuretobesure.“I’mnotapetperson.”
“Isee.Youhateanimals.”Hesoundedamused.
“Idon’t.Ijustliketomaintainarespectfuldistance.”Bruceruthlesslyignoredme,whichsuitedmejustfine.ButTinycircledmehappily,eagerforthecuddlesandpraisehewassureI’dprovideanymomentnow.
“Well,hesurelikesyou.”
Aslushashisfurlooked,Ihadnointentionofreachingout.I’dreadsomewherethatdogscouldtellgoodpeopleapartfromthebadones.Ididn’tcaretoknowtheverdict.“Doyou,um,needtowalkhim?”
“Notthislate.Wehaveabigyardandhehasfreeaccess.Hewantsamidnightsnack,though.AreyougoingtofreakoutifIletyougo?”
Mynails,Irealized,weredigginginhisforearm.“Sorry.”Ireleasedhim,andheuntangledhimselfwithasmilethatlookedalmostaffectionatebeforehedisappearedintothekitchen,followedbythebeast.Iheardputtering,cupboardsopeningandclosing,andsoft,patientmurmurs.Icaughtmyselfsmilingatthesound,andwasn’tsurewhy.WhatdidIcareifElihadadog,orquail,oraraftofotters?Whenhereturned,wipingfreshlywashedhandsonhisjeans,Iimmediatelyasked,“Whereisyourbedroom?”
“Notsofast.”Icockedmyhead,andhesmiled.“Iwantastory.Beforewegoupstairs.”
Ah,yes.Ourcurrency.“AnuglyonethatproveshowterribleapersonIam?”
“Doesn’tmatter.Aslongasit’strue.”Hepaused.“Aslongasit’sjustforme.”
“Theyallare.”I’dtoldhimthingsI’dneveradmittedoutloudtoanothersoul.Itwasthesameforhim,Iknewwithouthavingtoask.AndIhadtheperfectstory.“WhenIwaseleven,TishaandNyota—heryoungersister—startedpesteringtheirparentstogetapuppy.ItinvolvedPowerPoints,Post-itsleftallaroundthehouse.Theyevengotcharacterlettersfromtheirteachers.Tishalikedcatsbetter,butiftheyweregoingtogetapet,analliancewasnecessary,andNyotawasyounger.Lesswillingtocompromise,youknow?Anyway,theyendedupadoptingElvis,aChihuahuamix.Hewas…loud,andsmall.HepretendedIdidn’texist,andIreturnedthefavor.”Iswallowed.“Iwasmaniacallyjealousofthatdog.BecausehegottostaywithTishaandherfamilyeverysecondofeveryday.Hewasfed,takencareof,dotedon.WhileIhadtogobackhomeanddealwith…”Myunpredictablemother,mylittlebrother,whowasgettingmoreandmoreaggressive,theemptykitchenandthestenchofmold.Thecertaintythatifthatwasmylife,Ihadtohavedonesomethingtodeserveit.“Ihadtodealwithalot.SoIlookedatElvisandwassoresentfulandthought,‘Whynotme?’overandover,untilitfeltlike—likeacancer,metastasizingineveryinteractionIhadwithTisha.Ittookmealongtimetoweanmyselfoffthehabit.MaybeIneverfullysucceeded.”
Iwaitedformycheekstoburnandfortheshametopouroverme,likeitalwaysdid.ButitwasdifficulttoblamemyselfwhenEliofferednorecriminationordisgust.Hejustaccepteditopenly,thisstorythatI’dcarriedinmymarrowforoveradecade,likeitwasasnaturalapartofmeasmylipsormyarm.
SoIsaid,“Yourturn.”
Henodded.Tookadeepbreath.“LastFridayIwasoutoftown.Igotdrunkoffvodkawithsomecolleagues,wentbacktothehotel,andpulledupyourcontact.Itypedalong,longtextdescribingeverysinglethingI’veimagineddoingtoyou.Ileftoutnothing.Anditwasn’talist,Rue.Itwasfilthy,andindefensible,andexceptionallydetailed.Afuckinginstructionmanual.Ihavethefaintestmemoryofwritingit,andthankfullyIfellasleepbeforeIhitsend,becausewhenmyalarmwentoffthefollowingmorning,itwasthereinthetextbox.”
AtfirstIfeltshortchanged,andalmostcalledhimoutforcheating—thiswasn’tourkindofstory,cruelandbareandflustering.Butthatwasn’tformetodecide,wasit?MaybeforEli,confessingtohislossofcontrolwasallthosethings.
“DoyouwanttoknowthelastthingI’dwritten?”heasked.
Inodded,heartpoundinginanticipation.
“HowbadlyIwantedtofuckyouintocompliance.”Heshookhishead,exhalingaruefullaugh,andgesturedwithhischintowardthestaircase.“Stillwannadothis?”
Ididn’tbotheranswering,butstartedtheclimbupstairs.WhenIturnedtocheckifhewasfollowing,Icaughthiseyesgluedtomyass.Hissmilewasunrepentant,asthoughlookingatmybodywasasacrosanctrightheplannedtotakeadvantageofaslongasitwasgranted.
HisbedroomwaswhatI’dhaveexpectedfromanadultmanwhohadn’tplannedonvisitors:simplyfurnished,mostlyneat,withanunmadekingbedandtheoccasionalitemofclothingdrapedacrossapieceoffurniture.Thewindowswerestreetfacing,andhebrushedpastmetopullthecurtains.Whenheturned,I’dalreadytoedoffmyshoesandtakenoffmyshirt.
“Stop,”heordered.
Iglanceddownatmyshorts.“Wantmetoleavetheseon?”
“Nah.”Hecamecloser.“Letmedoit.”
“Hardlyefficient.”Norsexy.Iwaswearingmygrocery-shoppingclothes.
“Comeon,Rue.YouhavetoknowI’mgoingtotreattonightlikethesecondchanceIneverthoughtI’dget.”Everycatchofthezipperwasloudinthequietroom.Hislargehandsopenedthefrontlikehewasunwrappingapresent.Then,eyesfixedtome,heslidhishandinside.
Thetipofhisindexfingertappedagainstthecottonofmypanties.Brushedsoftly.“Nice.”
Wet,hemeant.I’dfeltthedampnessbetweenmythighs,andnowheknewit,too.“Youcan’tbesurprised.”
“Idon’tneedtobesurprisedtoenjoyit.”Myshortscameoff.“Youdon’treallyneedmetosayit,doyou?ThatyourbodyisthemostperfectthingI’veeverseen?”
Icockedmyhead,observinghimobserveme,greedyandacquisitive.Hiseyeslingeredonmybreasts,belly,hips,thighs,alltoosomethingtobeanywherenearperfect.ButIlovedmybody,eveninitsflaws.Ilovedthethingsitcoulddoontheiceandoff,thepleasureitwascapableof,thewayitlookedinthedressesIenjoyedbuying.Ilovedthatithadkeptgoingthroughmyfirsteighteenyears,despitetheadversitiesithadfaced.AndIlovedthatElilikeditasmuchasIdid.“I’mgladyouthinkso.Feelfreetouseitasyoulike.”
Histhroatjerked.“Youhavenodamnideawhatyou’resaying,Rue.”Hetouchedmelikehewasrevisitingayearlyvacationspot,familiarandyeteternallyyearnedfor.Mylacebralettedidnotmatchmypanties,buthedidn’tcare.Hecuppedhispalmaroundmyleftbreast,histhumbfindingmyalreadyhardnippletobrushagainstit,andIletmyeyesdriftclosedasIarchedintohim.“Youlikeit,don’tyou?”Hediditagain,andmybreathhitched.Whenhepinchedmynipple,Ihadtoswallowamoan.“YouknowwhatI’dlovetodotoyou?”
“What?”
Heopenedhismouth,thenstoppedhimself.Laughed,wistful.“You’dbescaredshitlessifItoldyou.”
“Iwouldnot.”
Heshookhishead.“It’sstuffthatrequirestrust.Communication.”Hishandfelltohisside,andIfeltthelosslikeastab.“Time.”
“Wedon’thavethat.”
“Iknow.”Hissmilewasnothappy.Heundidmybraid,tookastepbacktolookatmesomemore,andseemedevenmorepleasedwiththatview.“Threetimes.”
Ifrowned,confused.
“Letmemakeyoucomethreetimesbeforeyouleave.”
ItriedtorememberifI’dcomethatmanytimeswithsomeoneelsebefore.Orbymyself.“Thatmightbetooambitious.”
“Mightbe.”Heshrugged,andIlikedhowhedidn’tactasthoughheknewmybodybetterthanIdid.Hisself-assurancewasneverloud,alwaysquietly,steadilypresent.“Still,letmetry.”Heburiedhisheadinmyneck.Inhaled.“Yousmellsogood.Everydaysincethelasttime,Ithoughtaboutkissingyoursweetcunt.MayI?”
Hewasgoodatbeingincharge.Givingsoftdirections,conciseinstructions,precisecommands.Hewantedmeonthebed,onmyknees,mythighsoneachsideofhishead,andgotmetherewithlittleeffort.Hewasstillwearinghisclothes,andIwasbareatophisface.Ifelthimlickupintome,alongswipethatstartedfrommyclitandstoppedbehindmyopening,andtheburstofpleasurewassounexpected,Ifellforward,catchingmyselfonmypalmstoavoidcollapsingintohiship.
“Toomuch?”Eliasked,stillkissingandsuckingandbiting.Ihadtochokebackamoan.He’dgonedownonmelasttime,too,buthehadn’tbeenimmediately,magicallygood.Ithadtakenhimawhiletofindmyspotsandtherightrhythm.Nowthatheknewthebasics,hewasarealthreat,andreveledinit.
“Nottoomuch.”IbeganunbuttoningEli’sjeans,caressinghiscockthroughhisunderwearashecontinuedtolickme.Whenhenippedatmyfolds,Isliditoutofhisboxerbriefs.HewasbiginawayIwasn’tusedtoandwouldn’thaveexpectedtoenjoy,butIknewthatalready.Whenhishandssqueezedmytitsandhepushedhistongueinsideme,ItookhiminmymouthasdeepasIcould,whichwasonlyabouthalfway.
Webothgroanedloudly,thesoundsvibratingthroughourflesh.Itried,reallytriedtokeepupwiththewayhistonguepartedmeandhisfingersmovedwithincreasedpurposetowardmyopening.Itriedtofocus,pressingwet,clumsykissesupthelengthofhiscock,usingmytonguetoteasetheridgearoundthehead.ButthepositionwasunusualandmoreintimatethanIwasusedto,andthespreadingheatmadeconcentratingonanythingbutthepleasurerisingupmyspinenexttoimpossible.IknewhowtogiveasmuchasIgot,butwithEli’shandsgrippingmyassandhisthumbsuddenlypressingagainstmyhole,itwasdifficulttocentermyself,and—
“You’renotgoodatthis,areyou?”Hespokeagainsttheinsideofmythigh,soundingcharmedashechasedthewordswithasuckingkiss.
“That’srudeand—ah—hurtful.”
“Hurtful?This?”Helickedintomeagain,andmythighstrembleduncontrollably.Hewasfantasticatthat,likehe’dmappedeverysoundofpleasuretotheanatomyofmycunt.Ormaybeitwashissheerenthusiasm.Eitherway,Iwasonthevergeofsomething.“Areyouinpain,Rue?”
“No.WhenyousaidthatI’mnot—”Heexhaledagainstmyclit.Ishuddered,foreheaddroppingtohismuscularthigh.
“Poorgirl.”Hisfingersgrippedmyhips,bruisingtight.“Youseemtohaveissuesfocusing.”
“It’s…”
Hisfingerspinchedmynipples.“Good?”
“Distracting.”Thewordsoundedslurred.
“It’sokay.I’mgoingtocomejustfromthis.”Ihazilywonderedwhatthismeant,butafterabeatheadded,“Fromeatingyouout,thatis.”Therewassomethingaboutthewayhesaidit,somethingadmiringandeager,thathadmecontractingaroundthefirstphalanxofhisfingerwhenitslidinsideme.“YoucancleanmeuponceI’mdone.Withyourmouth.”
Thepleasurebrokemeapartlikeanearthquake.Itwas,withoutdoubt,themostsuddenorgasmofmylife,somethingthatstartedfromaplacedeepinmybrainasmuchasfromthestimulationofmynerveendings.Ifoundmyselfgaspingagainstthejeanscoveringhisthigh,swallowingembarrassingnoisesdownmythroat.Hiscocktwitchednexttome,precomebeadingfromthetip,andoncethefirstaftershockshadcalmedItriedtotakehiminmymouthagain,toshowhimhowgratefulIwasforthepleasurehewasgivingme,butitwasimpossibletoconcentrate.Givingandtakingwerehardtocombine,andfromthecurveofhischeekashesmiledagainstmythigh,hedidn’tmind.
Itamusedhim,mylackofcontrol.
“Eli,Ican’t—”
“You’reokay,love,”hesoothed.“You’regoingtobefine.Don’tyoulikethis?Don’tyouliketocome?”
Iwhimpered.Hishands,largeandstrongandabsolutelyfilthy,closedaroundthecheeksofmyassandspreadmeopen.Therewasahintofaggressioninhistouch,anever-increasingdirectiveness,andIwonderedifhewaspunishingmefordeprivingusbothofthisforweeks,orifhewasjustthatimpatient.Thenhesuckedmyclitbetweenhislips,andIstoppedwonderinganythingatall,teeteringontheedgeofasecond,strongerorgasm.
“God,”hegasped.“Youreallyarethesweetestfuckingthing.”
Inthatmoment,IwantedhiminmymouthmorethanIwantedtocome.AndwhenImoanedaroundhiscockIthoughtthatmaybehefeltthesame.Hisbreathhitched,hishipsarchedinawaythathadhimnearlyslidinginsidemythroat,andwhenheletoutadeepgroan,Iwasn’tsurewhatIfeltfirst:thepleasurerackingthroughmeonceagain,orhiscomefloodingmymouth.
Weremainedthere,still,makingsoundsthatbelongedtowildcreaturesforlongmoments,ourdescentslowandlaborious.AndthenEliuntangledus,kissedmedeeplyandgratefully,andlaidmedownonthebed,onearmaroundmywaist.IfeltlikeatranscendentbeingmadeofsensationandheatandtheimprintsofEli’sfingersonmyskin.
“Thatwastwo,”Isaid,smallaftershockscoursingthroughme.I’dfeltthiswaylasttime,too.Wrungout.Empty.Likemybodywashispuppet,somethinghecouldmoldandshapeatwill.
Intense,he’dsaid,butthewordseemedallwrong.Thiswasfrightening.Dangerous.Ineededamomenttoregainmybearingsandwasthankfulwhenhewithdrewhisarmtocoverhiseyes.Iwouldn’thavebeenabletotakeanymorecloseness.
“Givemeasecond,”hepanted.“Icangiveyouanother.Ordietrying.”
Ilaughed,feelingsparklyontheinside.Withmycheekpressedagainstthepillow,Iobservedthismanwhocouldmakemybodysinglikeneverbefore.Theexhaustionfromthesex,thepastweeksatwork,thestressofbeingaliveandforthemostpartalonebegansettingin.Oneminute,Ithought.Oneminute,andI’llgetup.Makeabigobnoxioussceneaboutsayinggoodbye,sinceit’ssoimportanttohim,andleavethisbedonceandforall.Asfaraslasttimesgo,thiswasagoodone.
IwatchedEli’sbroadchestriseandfalltotherhythmofhislaboredbreath.Iwatchedhimlickhislipsabsentmindedlyandcurvethemintoahintofasmileatthetaste.Iwatchedhimbeunmistakably,unapologeticallypleasedwithhimself—andthen,whenmyeyelidsflutteredclosedandthesoundsfromthestreetsmutedinmyears,Iwatchedhimnomore.19
YouknowwheretheCloroxwipesare,right?Rue
Itwasthesoftpitter-patteroftherainagainstthewindowsthatwokemeup,andthemutedswishofacarridingpastthehousethatfinallyconvincedmetoopenmyeyes.Therewasnodisorientation.IimmediatelyknewwhereIwas,andthatthedigitalclockblinkingatmefromthenightstandinlimegreenwasEli’s
Itwastenforty-fiveinthemorning.
Thecurtainswerestilldrawn.Eliwasnowheretobefound.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeI’dsleptsodeeply,souninterruptedly,orsolate.Maybeitwasthebed—mortuaryslab–solid,justthewayIliked.Thesex,perhaps.Ihadnoclue,nordidIplantoinvestigatethematterfurther.AsfurtivelyasIwascapableof,Igatheredthebreadcrumbtrailofclotheswe’dscatteredaroundthebed,andslippedintotheensuite.
ItwasthesamegentlemixofcleanlinessandchaosasEli’sbedroom.Ipeed,rinsedmymouthwithsomepilferedListerine,andsnuckdownthestairs,stoppingwhenIheardnoisescomingfromthekitchen.
Shit.
I’dpromisedEliI’dtellhimbeforeleaving.BackwhenIthoughtleavingwouldhappeninthemiddleofthenight.Iwasgoingtohavetowalk-of-shamethis.Embarrassing,butnotasembarrassingasEliknowinghowbadIwasatsixty-nining.
Iheadedforthekitchen,readytokeepmygoodbyesquickandhonest.Thankyouforlastnight,Eli.Ienjoyedit.Ialwaysenjoyit.It’sstartingtofeelcruel,thecombinationofwhoyouareandwhatyoucandotome.Let’snevermeetagain,okay?ButwhenItookadeepbreathandmademyselfstepinside,Elilookeddifferent.
Likeatinier,prettierversionofhimself.Ferociousbrowncurlsfallingontoslightshoulders,eerilylightblueeyes,andthathalf-warm,half-cutthroatgrin.Afewinchesshorterthanme.Agirl.Brieflyslack-jawed,untilhersurprisemorphedintoasmile.“Well,well,well.Lookwhogotlaidlastnight.”
Iliftedaneyebrow.
Thegirlinstantlyblushed.“Sorry!Ididn’tmeanyou,Iwouldnever—Imeantmybrother!Hi,I’mMayaKillgore.”
Thesister.Didshelivehere?“Rue.Siebert.”
“Solovelytomeetyou.IpromiseIdon’tusuallycommentonrandompeople’srecentsexualhistory,just…”
“Yourbrother’s?”
“Precisely.”Shefinger-gunnedme.“Henevertellsmeshit,soIhavetoresorttoruthlessinvestigativemethods.Ishetryingtowifeyou?”
“To…what?”Ineededcaffeine.
“Areyouguysdating,orareyoujustusinghisbody?”
“Um.Thelatter.”Abeat.“It’smoreofareciprocallybeneficialagreement.”
“Nice.Goodonyouguys.”Sheseemedsincerelyhappy.“Wheredidyoumeet?”
“IworkforacompanyhereinAustin.Harknessrecentlyattemptedtoacquireus.”Andhadnotsucceededyet.Itfeltgoodtoremindmyself.Softenedmyguilt,too.
“Holyshit,youworkforKline?YouknowFlorence?”
TheshameathearingFlorencementionedinEli’shousewassointense,Ihadtotakeabreathbeforesaying,“Yes.”
“What’sshelike?Ipictureherasagianttentacledmonster.”
WhydidsheknowaboutFlorence?“She’safive-threeredhead.Untentacled.Notparticularlymonstrouslooking.”Totrimtheconversationbeforeitcouldgrowitsownappendages,Iadded,“Sheisaclosefriendofmine.”
Maya’seyeswentsaucerwide,butasecondlaterherpleasantsmilewasrestored.“Wouldyoulikesomecoffee?”
“No,thankyou.Iwasjustgoinghome.IsEli…?”
“He’llbebacksoon.Icantexthim,too.”
“Noneed.”I’daskedafterhim.Iwasn’tsneakingout.I’dtexthimonceIgotbacktomyplaceandmakeupanonexistentSaturdaymorningengagement.Imanthearugulaboothatthefarmers’market.IAquaGym.DidImentionI’mamotheroffour?They’rewaitingforbreakfast.“Thankyou,I’lljust—”
Thefrontdoor—againstwhichI’dnearlyengagedinpublicsexthepreviousnight—opened.Thefirsttocomeinwasthegiantdog,wholookedevenlargerandevenhappierinthedaylight.Hechoseviolence,andshookseveralgallonsofrainwateralloverthewoodenfloor,sparingnosurface.Thesecond,ofcourse,wasEli.Hepulledbackthehoodofadarkgreenwindbreaker,andwhenhiseyesfoundme,hesaid,“Iwaswonderingifyou’dstillbehere.”Hewassmiling.Half-pleased,half-challenging,half-all-knowing.
Somethinghotandcoldranthroughme.“I—”
“Rude,”Mayainterrupted.“Areyoutryingtogetridofher?”
“Ifonlyyouknew,Maya,”hedrawled.Hedrapedhisjacketoverahigh-backedchair,gazeneverleavingme.
“Knewwhat?”MayapettedTiny,whothismorningwassupremelyuninterestedinme.Goodboy
“RuewasafigureskaterwithAlec,”Eliinformedherinsteadofanswering.
“Forreal?He’sthebest.”
Inodded.“Heis.”
“Doyoustillskate?”
“Notcompetitively.”
“Whataboutforfun?”
“Ido.”
“AtDave’srink?”
“Forthemostpart.”
“Wait.”ThoseElieyesofhersnarrowed.“RueSiebert.Iknowyou!Didn’tyougetasynchroscholarshipforsomeplaceinWisconsin?”
“Michigan.AdrianCollege.”
“Ohmygod.Irememberyou!Weonlyoverlappedforafewmonthsbutyouweresogood.”
“Iwasn’tthat—”
“Atmentoring,Imean.Youtaughtmehowtodoabackwardcrossover,remember?”Ididn’t,butshecontinuedanyway,grinning.“Isucked.Fourotherpeopletried,andIcouldnotfigureitout.Comeon,youhavetoremember—I’mthegirlwhoburstoutcryinginthemiddleoftherink.Youbroughtmetoabench,satnexttome,andneitherofussaidanythingfor,like,halfanhour.OnceIcalmeddownyouaskedmeifIwasreadytostartagainandthenIgotthecrossoveronthefirsttry!Itmusthavebeeninthespringof—”
Acarhonkedrightoutside.Ijolted,andMayarolledhereyes.“That’llbeJade.”Shepickedupherbackpackandanoversized,over-stickeredwaterbottle.“Itwassonicetoseeyouagain,Rue!I’mgoingtospendthedayatthelibrary,soyoutwoshouldfeelfreetohavemorningsexonthetable.”SheglancedatElifromoverhershoulder.“YouknowwheretheCloroxwipesare,right?”Shewasgonebeforehecouldreply,leavingusalone,lookingateachotherwithsomethingthatfeltalotlikeunderstanding.
HeknewthatIwasgoingtosneakout.
Iknewthatheknew.
Andheknewthat,too.
Iliftedmychinwithahintofachallenge,andhislipswidenedintoagrin,asthoughIwasfollowingascripthe’dwritteninhisheadforme.
“Wereyougoingtoleavemeanote?”heaskedaffably.“Orjusttextlater?”
Ikeptmyspinestraight.“Thelatter.”
“Lesstimeconsuming.”Henodded,entertained,andopenedacupboard.Kibbletinkledintothedog’smetalbowl,andTiny,who’dbeguncirclingmelookingforthekindofaffectionthatotherpeopleseemedtogiveeffortlesslytopets,instantlylostinterestinme.Onthetableabovehim,Inoticedadevelopedchessboard.
“Isthatyourgame?”
Elinodded.“AgainstMaya.”
“Youplayalot?”
“Afairbit.We’renotNolanSawyerlevel,oranything—”
“MalloryGreenleaflevel,youmean?”
Hejustsmiled.“Doyoureallynotremembermysister?”
“I…”Idid,actually,ifonlybecauseofthewayshe’dsobbedsilentlynexttome.Ithadfeltheartbreakingandrelatable,andI’dwishedtherewassomethingIcouldsay.ButIwasgoingthroughtheexactsame,andIknewthatnowordsexistedthatwouldhavehelped.“Isitokaythatshesawme?”Iasked.
“Who?”
“Yoursister.”
“Whywouldn’titbe?”
“Maybeyoudon’twanttoshareyourhookupswithyouryoungersister,whomightverywellbeaminor.”Shedidn’tlookit,buttheolderIgot,themoreeveryageundertwenty-fiveblendedtogether.
“She’salmosttwenty-two.Orthirteen,I’mneversure.”
“You’retheelder?”
Henodded.“IsVincentolder?”
“He’sthreeyearsyounger.Andit’sjustus.”
“Ifigured,sincethecabin’ssplitintwo.”
“Yeah.”Ididn’twanttotalkabouthim.“Yoursisterseems…”
“Nice?”
Actually,whatI’dbeenthinkingwasthatMayaandElilookedcomfortabletogether,andIfeltirrationallybetrayedbythat.Whenwefirstmet,I’dgottentheimpressionthattheirrelationshipwasasfraughtasminewaswithVince.“Doesshelivehere?”
“Yup.”
“Ofherownfreewill?Orareyoukidnappingher,too?”
“Believeitornot,sheaskedtomovein.”Heseemedincredulous,too.“Iofferedtopayforanapartmentnearcampus,butshewantedtolivewithherclosestsurvivingbloodrelative.Tokeepaneyeonhersetofsparekidneys,probably.”
Ismiled,andsodidhe.Likeamusingmewasarewardingmicro-hobbyofhis.
“Isthisthehomewhereyougrewup?”
“Nope.IgrewupinSouthAustin.Riverside.Thebanktookthathomeaboutadecadeago,though.Whataboutyou?”
Weneverownedahomeforthebanktotake,mysleep-woollybrainalmostresponded.“IlivedinSalado.”
Hiseyebrowrose.“AndyoucommutedeverydaytoDave’srink?”
“Yes.”
Hecockedhishead.“Howdidyouendupskating,anyway?”
“Tisha’smomusedtobeanicedancer.ShethoughtIlookedpromising,foundAlec.”Ididn’telaborateontherest.Howliberatingithadbeen,pushingthroughthecoldoftheice,beingawayfrommyfamily.Howgruelingpracticehadbecomeasthestakeshadrisen.Howimpossibleithadbeentoconsiderquittingwiththeprospectofwaivedtuitionfeesdanglinginfrontofmyeyes.Instead,Ichangedthetopic.“Doyoubringhomelotsofwomen?”
“Ibelieveyouwereafirst.”Heshrugged.“Althoughmyex-fiancéeusedtolivehere.”
“Thechef.”
“Yup.”
Itiltedmyheadandwatchedhimleanagainstthecounter,enjoyingthewayhefilledaroom.Howconcretehispresencefelt.“Howdoesthathappen?”
“What?”
“Howdoyougofromwantingtomarrysomeoneto…not?”
“Surprisinglyquickly.Withlimiteddrama,too.”Nocheating,then.Whatelse,though?Hadtheyfallenoutoflove?Hadshemovedawayforherfancychefjob?Hadshebrokenhisheart?“Haveyoueverbeeninarelationship?”heasked.
“Byrelationship,youmean…?”
“Amutuallyagreed-upon,medium-orlong-termromanticengagement.Dating,ifyouprefer.”HesmiledthesamegrinI’dfeltbetweenmylegslastnight.Whatwe’ddoneshouldhavehelpedmemetabolizehim,butIwasnoclosertofindinghimuninterestingthanI’deverbeen.Theopposite,ifanything.
Asilvercoinrefusingtooxidize,that’swhathewas.Acompulsivetinglehookedrightinmybelly.
“It’snoneofmybusiness,”hecontinued,“butI’dstillloveitifyoutoldme.”
“No.You’rethefirstpersonI’vebeenwithmorethanonce.”
Hislipcurled.“Sexisthatgood,huh?”
It’sbecausewithyouIneverhavetoworryaboutbeingtooodd,toounlikable,toooutoftune.Younevermakemefeelanythingotherthanjustright.ButthesexwasthebestI’deverhad,soIsimplysaid,“Yes.”
Mysofthonestyseemedtodisarmhim.Hisfacefell,andhiseyesdarkened.“Comehere,”hebeckoned,justaflickofhisfingers,andeventhoughitmeantbetrayingFlorence,who’dgivenmetheworld,Ididgo.Lethimpullmecloser,intohischest.
“Ibelieve,”hemurmuredagainstmyear,“Ioweyousomething.”
“Youcankeepmyunderwear.”
“Notthat.”
“What,then?”
“Wesaidthreetimes.”
Abuzzing,warmstaticfilledtheairbetweenus.“Itdoesn’tmatter.It’snot…”It’suncountable.You,andthethingswedo,thethingsyougiveme,thethingsyoumakemefeel,they’reimpossibletoquantify.Theyaregoodinawaythatgoesbeyondorgasms,andIcan’treallykeeptrack,ortickoffcheckboxes.It’sconfusing.Youareconfusing.“It’sfine.”
“Isit?”Hefilledthespacebetweenus.Hismouthtastedoftoothpasteandrainymornings,hiskissatonceshallowandintense,eageryetlingering.Notawe’reabouttofuckkiss.Notawejustfuckedkiss.Thoseweretheextentofmyexperiencessofar,soIwasn’tcertainhowtocategorizethisone.
Goodbye.Maybeitwasagoodbyekiss.
Heslowlypulledback.“Youcan’tgooutlikethis,Rue.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“You’refilthy.Youneedashower,don’tyou?”
“I’llhaveonelater.”
“Later?”Hisnosecurledindistaste,andIfrowned.
“Isthataproblem?”
“Iwasabouttotakeone.”
Iwasn’tsurehowtorespond.Howhygienicofyou.Myfondestcongratulations.Ihopeit’severythingyouwishfor.“Okay.I’mgoingto—”
“Joinme.”Hisfingersbraidedwithmine.“Youhavetoshoweratsomepoint,don’tyou?Mightaswellmakeitfun.”Therewasnowaythiswasagoodidea,andhemusthaveseenitinmyface,becauseheasked,“Whynot?”
BecauseofFlorence.Becauseyou’reabadperson,doingbadthings.Becauseyou’rewrong,andagainsteverythingIstandfor,andpeoplecouldbehurtiftheyweretofindout.Problemwas,Ididn’twanttosayno.Ialsodidn’twanttosayyes,butitdidn’tmatter.
JudgingbyEli’ssmile,noddingseemedtosuffice.20
BigfuckingdealEli
Hewasenthralled.
Obsessed.
Inlove.
NotwithRue,whowouldslithisthroatwithaskatebladebeforebecomingtherecipientofanyromanticaffectionfromoneofHarkness’spartners.ButRue’sbody—Eliwasfuckingenchanted.Hersolemn,darkblueeyesthatstaredathimwithhesitance.Thedeadpanwayshesaidthedamnedestthings,trippinghimupeverytime.Thesmellofsexandheronhissheetsearlierthismorning,whenhe’dhadtotearhimselfoutofbed.He’dwokenupraginghard,andshe’dslepton,soundless,withahandunderhercheekandtheotherlightlyfistedinfrontofherface,sodeliciouslyathisdisposal.Rightthere,readytobeplucked.
Sheunhingedhim.Therewassomethinguniquelygoodaboutbeinginherpresence,andhecouldseehimselfdoingthingsthatrangedfromembarrassingtorecklesstoillegal,justforfivemoreminuteswithher.
Naked,ideally.
“Nottoohot?”heasked,lickingwaterfromwhereitpooledinsidehercollarbone.Hetriedtoplayitcool,buthehadn’texpectedthatshe’dsayyestostayinglongerthansheabsolutelyneededinordertogetoff.He’dspenthalfthenightonedge,staringattheriseandfallofherchestunderthesheethe’dlaidonher,atthehuddled,inconspicuouswaysheslept,convincedthatshe’ddisappearifhedaredtoblink.Butthemorninglighthadcome,andhe’dfoundhernexttohim.He’dreturnedfromwalkingTiny,andhercarhadbeenparkedinhisdriveway.
Hewasgoingtokeepher.Forhimself.Aslongashecould.
“No.Nottoohot.”Shetippedherheadback,lettingthejetoftheshowerhitherhairandforehead.Hefollowedtherivuletsdownthelonglineofherthroat,studyingherbodyinthebrightnessoftheskylight.Elirecognizedtracesofherrigoroustrainingregimens—musculararms,roundedquads,strongcore.Butthecuttonehadrelaxedtosomethingfullandsupple.Elihadfoundherstunningfromtheverystart,butshewasirresistiblenowthatheknewthatjustlikeEli’s,herswastheimperfect,well-usedbodyofaformerathlete.Abodythatknewice.Amixofstrengthandsoftnessthathadhisheadspinning.
“You’restaring.”
“Yeah.”Hesmiled.Hewasgoingtolookatheruntilhediedoruntilhiseyesworeoff,whichevercamefirst.“Doesitbotheryou?”
“No.”
Sheturnedtogivehimherback,hangingherheadlowtoletthejethitthebackofherneck,andtheshowerstallwasn’tsolargethatshecoulddothatwithoutherslipperyskinbrushingagainsthis.Afteralonglookandcountlessfantasiesdirectedatthedimplesjustaboveherass,hedecidedthatthiswasaninvitationandhuggedherfrombehind,pressingherintohisownbody.
He’dshoweredwithwomenbefore,butcouldn’tremembereverbathingone.Andyet,Ruelethimsqueezebodywashthatwasgoingtomakehersmelllikehimonhispalm,lethimnestlehiserectionagainstherlowerback,andlethimusehishandsoneverywetinchofherbody.
Every.Single.One.
“Iamactuallyabletodo—oh—thisonmyown,”shesaid,bitingintoherlowerlipinawaythatmadehimcertainthatajustgoddidexistafterall.“ButIappreciatetheservice—”Hervoicedissolvedintoahitchedbreath,thenalowmoan,andElipinchedhernipplestohearmoreofthat,andthenrolledthemagainsthispalms,andstoppedhimselffromwhisperinginherearthathe’dgivehereverything,anything,ifonlyshe’dlethimcomeovertoherplaceanddothisforhersevendaysaweekfortherestofhisnaturallife.“I’mnotsurewhetherthisismakingmeexcitedorsleepy,”shemurmured,archingintohistouch,herbodyacombinationofvibratingstretchandintenserelaxation.
“Icangiveyouboth,”hesaidafterakisstohercheekbone.“Letmegiveyouboth.”Sheexhaledwhenhisfingersfinallybegancirclingherclit,pantedandgasped,open-mouthed,throwingbackherheadintothecreaseofhisneck.“Goodgirl,”hewhisperedassheshudderedagainsthim,andthen,inherear:“Takeit.”
Herorgasmcamealmostimmediately,anditwasallElicoulddonottopushRueintothewallandbendhertoherwaistandgethimselfoffbetweenherthighs.Heimaginedhimselfbeggingtobeletinside,justthetip,andtheadolescenceofitwasatonceamusingandmortifying.Heexhaledsilentlaughterintheballofhershoulderwhileshestillshookwithpleasure.
Whenherheartslowed,shenoticedhowhardhewas.Ormaybeshe’dknownbefore,andfinallytookpity.Sheturnedinhisarms,impossiblybeautiful,lipsglistening,cheeksfairy-talered,andElihadtoclosehiseyesandstumblebackintothetileswhenherhandclosedaroundhiscock.
Shestrokedhimfirmlyandslowly,asthoughtheorgasmhe’dgivenherhaddeprivedheroftheabilitytofunctionatareasonablerate.Itwastorturous,butevenwhenhebeganbuckinghishipsintoherfist,swearingsoftlyagainstherdamphair,tighteninghisgriparoundherhips,sheneverspedupenoughtopushhimovertheedge.“Fuck,Rue,”hesaid,andthenafrustrated,“youcan’tfucking—”Andfinally,humiliatingly,hebegged,“Please.”Hebitintoherneck,andshedidn’tshakeherheadorsmileorsayanything,shedidn’tgiveintowhathewasasking,buthereyesmethissquarely,lovelyandblueandcalm,andthatdiditforhim.
Whenhecameitwassoviolent,hecouldn’tremembereverfeelinganythingapproachingthegoodofit,notevenwhilefuckingsomeone,notevenasateenager.Thepleasurecrackedhimattheseams,lefthimgaspingsoundlessly,speechless,asthoughhisbodywastoobusyexperiencingthemagnitudeofittoproduceeventhemostinarticulateofnoises.
Soyoulikehermouth,andshehasphenomenaltits,andgivesaspectacularhandjob,hetoldhimself,heavinghiswaybacktonormalcy,kneesweak.Soyoufeellikesmilingwhenevershe’saroundandwanttoknowwhat’sinherhead.Thewayshestillgrippedhim,hissemenseepingoutofherclosedfist,wastheclosesttoareligiousexperiencehe’dcomeinawhile.Bigfuckingdeal,heforcedhimselftothink,butitleftasourtasteinhisthroat,thesameheexperiencedwhenlyingtohimself.Eliwatchedherwatchhim,herserenefacealwayssoatoddswiththechaossheprovokedinsideofhim,andwhenhecouldn’ttakehersilenceanymore,hewrappedbothhandsaroundhercheeksandasked,“Youstilltired?”Hisvoicewashoarse.Hewasn’tsurprised.
Shenodded.
“Okay.Thisiswhat’sgoingtohappen—nowwesleep,inmybed.Together.Andwhenwewakeup,wedothisagain.Andwestopbullshittingourselvesandeachotheraboutwhetherthisisthelasttime,whetherwe’regoingtostopdoingthis,whetherwehaveanycontroloverhowmuchwewantthis.”
Tohercredit,shehesitatedforonlyacoupleofseconds.Whenshenoddedathimagain,earnest,awaveofreliefcrashedintohim.“No,Rue.Yousayit.Saythatthisisnotthelasttime.Promiseme.”
Thattookherlonger.Butshedidmanagetomakeherwayaroundthewords,andwhenheheardasoft“Idon’twantthistobethelasttime,”hepickedherup,toweledheroff,andcarriedhertobed.21
Wouldyouliketodothatwithme?Eli
Eliwasn’tonefornaps.
Ithadbeenaproblembackincollege,hisnearpathologicalinabilitytofallasleepduringtheday,especiallywhenpregameresthadbeenmandatory;nowthathe’descapedtheNCAAexploitationmachine,itonlymeantthatanysleephedidn’tgetatnightcouldn’tbemadeupfor.
Ruehadnosuchissues.Shewasbreathingevenlyaminuteafterhe’dsettledheronthebed.Hesatontheedgeofthemattressandstaredforalongtime,feelingcreepyandteenage-ishandhelplesstostop,feelingeuphoricandsmitten.Hecouldn’tremembereverexperiencinganythinglikethis,whichmeantthatheshouldtreadcarefully,thatshecouldbedangerous.
Hepushedastrandofdamphairbehindherearandmadehiswaydownstairs.
Forty-fiveminuteslaterasummerthunderstormwasinfullswing,andRuepaddedintothekitchenwearingyesterday’sclothesandnottheT-shirthe’dleftoutforheronthebed,foldedontopofapairofMaya’ssweats.
He’dneverbeenlesssurprised.
HergazeskitteredtoTiny,nappingblissfullyononeofhismanybeds,thenflittedtothebowlsofwhippedcreamandfruitonthecounter,thenlandedonthepannearthestove.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“FulfillingthepromiseIusedtolureyouhere.”
“Youhavedonethat.”Shelookedsleepyandbeautifulandconfused.Hehadtophysicallyrestrainhimselftoavoidpullingherintohim.
“Theotherpromise.IsaidI’dcookforyou,remember?”
“Youdon’thaveto.”
Donothugher.Donotkissthetipofhernose.Donotrunyourhandupanddownherback.Youdon’thavetostickyourfingersinherhair,andyoumostdefinitelydonotneedtofuckingsmellherthroat.It’lljustsendherrunningfasterthanareminderthatyoustillownKline’sloan.“Comeon,Rue.”Hegaveherachidinglook.“Ican’tjustfuckyounonstopwithoutfeelinglikemoreofanassholethanIactuallyam.I’mgoingtohavetofeedyou,justtokeepyoualiveandresponsive.Nooffense,butI’mnotintothealternative.”
Sheglancedawayandthenloweredhereyes,whichwasinteresting.Atypical.Thensaid,“I’mweirdaboutfood.”Hekepthisfacestraight.Madenomovement.Shewasskittish,andhedidn’twanttospookher.Hewatchedherswallow,twice,andofferednoreactionwhensheadded,“Istrugglewithnon-sit-downmeals.Andwithtimeconstraints.”Sheheldhiseyes.“I’drathernoteatthaneatinahurryorstandingup.”
“That’snotweird.”Itdid,however,makehischesticyandheavy.Whatshe’dsaidaboutAlecfeedingher.Tisha’spicture.Theobviousfactthatshewasafoodengineerwhofocusedonaddressingfoodinsecurity.Hewasn’tgoingtoconnectdotsuntilsheaskedhimto,buthereservedtherighttonursethecold,aimlessangerthatbeganchurningatthebottomofhisstomach.
“Notahugefanofeatingonthego,either.”Heopenedadrawerandcasuallytookouttwoplacemats.“Glassesandplatesareinthatcupboard.Makeyourselfuseful,Dr.Siebert.”Herfacebetrayednothing,buttherewasatraceofreliefinhershoulders.
“IsthisFrenchtoast?”sheaskedoncetheysatatthetable.
Hepouredcoffeeinhercup.“Yes.”
“Andthisisthefancydishyourfancychefextaughtyoutomake?”Shesoundedskeptical.
“Neversaidthatthedishhadtobefancy.AndIrecommendyoutryitbeforeyousayonemorewordyouwillregret.”
Hereyesnarrowed,butshepouredsyruponhertoast,covereditwithsomeofthefreshcreamandthemixofberries,broughtabitetoherlipswiththeairofsomeonewhowasdoinghimabigfavor,andafterchewingforahandfulofsecondscoveredhermouthwithherhandandsaid,“Holyshit.”
Hegaveherhismosttoldyousolook.
“Whatthehell?”Sheseemedaffronted.“How?”
“Secretrecipe.”
“It’sFrenchtoast.”
“Asyounowknow,notallFrenchtoastiscreatedequal.”
“You’renotgoingtotellmewhat’sinit?”
“Maybelater.”Hetookasipofhiscoffee.“Ifyoubehave.”
Shetookmoreslow,leisurelybites,eatinginaprecise,methodicalwaythatremindedhimofthemorningspentinherlab,andhewatchedherwithasenseofaccomplishmentthatcouldn’tpossiblybejustified.
Whatthefuckwasshedoingtohim?
“Ihavearequest,”shesaid,dabbinganapkintohermouth.
“Itoldyou,it’sasecret.”
“Notthat.”
“What,then?Astory?”
“Itdoesn’thavetobe.Youdon’thaveto…Idon’tneedtheterribleparts,ifyoudon’twanttosharethem.Ijustwanttoknowaboutyourex-fiancée.”
Ah.“What,precisely?”
Shescoutedfortheperfectquestion,thensettledon:“Whobroketheengagement?”
“Shedid.”
Apause.“Why?”
“BecauseIdidn’tloveherthewayshewantedtobeloved.”
Ruetiltedherhead.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
BynowithadbeenlongenoughthatwhenhethoughtaboutMcKenzie,theonlyfeelingsleftwereaffectionandgratitude.Theirlastconversation,though…
Youareasuccessfuladultman,andyetyouputmoreeffortintosomeharebrainedvendettayou’rechasingwithyourcodependentfriendsthanintobeingactuallyhappy.Youwillchooseyourstupidrevengeplanovermeanytime,andwebothknowit.
Youwanttobeinlovewithme.Youwanttowakeupinthemorningandthinkofme.Youwanttowantme,butyoujustdon’t.
Youcan’tfixit,becausethisisnotaboutwhatyoudo—it’saboutwhatyoufeel.ThekindofloveI’mlookingfor,noteveryonehasthecapacityforit,Eli.
McKenzie’swordsmaynolongerbethesharpknifethey’dbeenthreeyearsearlier,butthestingremained.“Notenough.”Histongueroamedtheinsideofhischeek.“ShemeantthatIdidn’tloveherenough.”
“Wassheright?”
Abeat,andthenheforcedhimselftonod.Thatwaswhathurtthemost.
“Areyoutwostillfriends?”
“Friendly.Shewantedacleanbreak,butIhearfromhermorenowthatshe’sfoundsomeoneelseandis…happierthanshe’deverbeenwithme,forsure.”
“Areyoujealousofhim?”
“I…maybe.Alittle.McKenziewas—is—fantastic.Icouldn’tgiveherwhatsheneeded,andI’mgladshe’sgettingitfromsomeoneelse.ButIcan’thelpbeing…”Hemadearesignedgesture.“Enviousmightbemoreaccurate.”
Ruestaredattheheavyrain,ponderingthematterlikeitwasacomplexsetofassaystobeperformed.“Couldn’tyou?Giveherwhatsheneeded,thatis.Ordidyoujustnotwantto?”
Itwassuchaloaded,deceptivelybarbedquestion,Elialmostwonderedifshe’deverspokenwithMcKenzie.ButRuewasguileless.Andcurious.“Idon’tknow.Ihopeit’snottheformer.”
Shenodded.“Imightbelikethat,too.”
“Likewhat?”
“Incapableoflovingpeoplethewaytheydeserve.”
“Really?WhataboutFlorence?Don’tyouloveher?”
Sheglancedaway.“IthoughtIdid.IknowIdo,butmaybenotenough,ifI’mbetrayingherbybeingherewithyou.”Shetookalong,calmingbreath,thenlookedathimagain.
“Whataboutromanticlove?”Eli’sheartpounded,andhewasn’tsurewhy.“Youthinkyoucouldmanagethat?”heaskedher.
Askedthem
“Maybe.Ormaybesomepeoplearetoobroken.Maybe…maybethingshavehappenedintheirlives,intheirpast,thathavedamagedthemsobad,they’renevergoingtogethappyendingswiththelovesoftheirlives.”Shepulledupherkneesandwrappedherarmsaroundthem.“Maybesomepeoplearemeanttobetragedies.”
Aknifeinhisfuckingstomach,that’swhatRuewas.Andamirrorhecouldn’tbeartolookinto.“So,isthismychanceforaQandA?”heasked,wantingtochangethesubject.
“Whatwouldyouliketoask?”
Heconsideredgentlyintroducingthetopic,butRuewasafanofplainspeaking.“Whydon’tyouwantpenetrativesex?”
“BecauseIdon’tlikeitverymuch.”
“Anyreasoninparticular?”
“No.Notraumaticstoryormedicalissues,atleast.”Sheshrugged.“It’snotthatIactivelydislikeit.Ijustcan’treallycomelikethat.”
“Ah.”
“Iwouldn’tminditifthat’salltherewas—thereareotherthingsthatwon’tmakemecomeandI’mhappytodo.Obviously.”Sheheldhiseyes,unflinching,andeverysingledeliciousthingshe’ddoneforhimwassuddenlythere,intheforefrontofhismind.“Butinmyexperience,penetrativesexusuallyleadstotwooutcomes,andneitherisgood.”
“Whatoutcomes?”
“Alotofmenseepenis-in-vaginasexastheendgoalandforgeteverythingelse.Skipforeplay,movestraighttothefucking,gettheirown,completelyforgetabouttheirpartner—whichisnotwhatI’mlookingfor.Andthat’sthebestscenario.”
“Thebest?”
Shesighed.“It’sbetterthanthemdecidingthattheyabsolutelyneedtogetmeoffduringthesex,whichalmostalwaysendsupwiththemdraggingitouttothepointofpain.Ican’tcomefromthat,whichmeansthatwe’reataveryunpleasantimpassethatforcesmetofakeanorgasmjusttogetitoverwith.”Shelookedsogenuinelyoffended,hecouldn’tholdinhislaughter.Helikedthisabouther:thewayshewentafterherownpleasure,demandedherdue.Helikedher,period,evenmorenowthatthepieceswerestartingtoformadefinedpictureinhiseyes.
Askmeforanything,hethought,anythingatall,andwatchmegiveittoyou.Whoevercamebeforeme,theyhadnoidea.I’mupforthechallenge.
“Why?”shesaid.“Wouldyouliketodoit?”
“AreyouaskingmeifIwanttoactuallyfuckyou?”
Shenodded.
Heheldbackasmile.“Youcananswerthatonyourown.”
“Fairenough.”SheforkedanotherneatpieceofherFrenchtoast,balanceditwithaperfectamountofberriesandcream,cheweditforlongerthanittookElitoscarfdownasandwichonhislunchbreak.Thenasked,withouthidingheramusement,“Areyouanticipatingcuringmewithyourmagiccock?”
Thatwasexactlywhathe’dbeenhoping,ofcourse.Theideaofhercomingwithhisdickinsideherwasintoxicatingallonitsown,buttheideaofbeingthefirsttomakehercomelikethatwasstuffhewouldgetofftowellintohisoldage.Apermanentplaceinhersexualhistory.Somethingthatwouldmakeherrememberhim.Itwasafantasy,aninappropriateoneatthat,butElitriedtoavoidpunishinghimselftoomuchforthoughtsthatremainedcontainedinhisownhead.Self-loathing,he’dfound,onlygothimsofar.
“There’snothingyouneedtobecuredof,”hesaid,fullybelievingit.“Butyoumightlikeit.Withme.”
“Right.Becauseoftheaforementionedmagiccock.”Shewasteasinghim,likeshehadthatfirstnight,beforeshe’dknownthatshewassupposedtohatehim.Helovedeveryminuteofthis.
“Becauseearlieryoutoldmethatyou’veneverbeenwithsomeonemorethanonce.Ihave,andIcantellyouthatknowingyourpartnerformorethantwohoursgoesalongwaywhenitcomestohavinggreatsex.”Hedidn’tmentionthathewasn’tsosureanymore.Thatshehadredefinedtheconceptofsexualcompatibilityforhim.“I’dliketotry,ifyou’reupforit.Ifyoucome,good.Ifnot,I’llstillenjoymyself,andIcangetyouoffhalfadozendifferentwaysbefore.Andafterward.”
Shebitintoherlowerlip,mulling.“Youwon’tgetoffendedifIdon’tlikeit?”
“YoulikeitwhenIputmyfingersinyou,don’tyou?”Sodiscordant,theclinicalwaytheywerediscussingthescienceoffuckingandhowtransportiveitfeltwhentheywereactuallydoingit.Atleast,howhefelt.Shewasnevergoingtoallowhimtogetclosetoherinanynonphysicalway.
“It’sdifferent,”shereflected.“Yourcockismuchlarger.Andyouknowhowtouseyourhands.”
Heshouldhaverecordedthesoundbite.“Iknowhowtouseotherthings,too.”Hetriedtosayitasmatter-of-factlyaspossible.Didn’tsucceed.
“I’msureyouthinkso.”Hermouthtwitchedinasmallsmile.Sodidhis.“WhatifIsayno?”
“Wecontinueonaswestarted.Withnocomplaintsfromme.”Andawholelotofgratitude.
Shenodded.“I’mopentotrying.ButifIfinditboringandyawninthemiddleofit,don’ttakeitpersonally.”
“Noted.”
“AndIwillnotfakeanorgasmforyou.”
Hebittheinsideofthischeek.“Likewise.”
Theystaredateachotherfromacrossthetable,condensationrollingdownthehalf-fullorangejuiceglasses,amusementvibratingbetweenthem.Theywerebothawareoftheimprobabilityoftheconversationthey’djusthad,overbreakfastnoless.Theywerebothhavingfun.“Ialsohaveaquestion.”
Henoddedathertogoahead.
“Thekinkstuff.”
Heleanedbackinhischairandstudiedherclosely.“What’syourquestion?”
“Ithinkyoucananswerthatonyourown,”sheparrotedbackathim,andheshookhishead,givinguponnotgrinning.
“DoyouwanttoknowwhatI’minto?”
Shenodded.
“AreyougoingtogetscaredifItellyou?”
“No.Peoplecanhaveallsortsofdesiresandavoidimposingthemonotherswithouttheirconsent.Itrustyou.”
Thatwasdizzying.Anddefinitelypornographic.RueSiebert,trustinghim.Hecoulddoalotwiththatknowledge.Playaroundwiththepossibility.Maybe,ifthestarsaligned,actonit.“Ienjoy…callingtheshots.”
Shewassilentforabeat.“IthinkIalreadyknewthat.”Hewasn’tsurprised,notaftertheirconversationinoneofKline’slabs.“You’regoodatstoppingyourself,butsometimesIcantellthatyou’dratherbe…”
Hewaitedforhertofinish.Whenshedidn’t,hesaid,“Incharge?”
Shenoddedagain,andhesmiledatherreassuringly.
“Isitsomethingyouneed?Toenjoysex?”
“No.SomeofthebestsexI’vehadincorporatednoelementsofthat.”Withyou,hedidn’tadd.
“Wasyourfiancéeintoit?”
“Shewas.Wewereverywellmatchedinthatsense.”
“Doyouhavea…sexdungeon?”
“IliveinTexas,Rue.Idon’tevenhaveabasement.”
Shehidhersmileinherknees,thenasked,“Didyouhurther?Duringsex?”
Heshookhishead.“Itwasn’tsomethingeitherofuswasinterestedin.It’smoreaboutcontrol.”
“Youtakingcontrol?”
“Itwouldbemoreappropriatetosaythatshesurrenderedhers,withinthecontextofsex.Thesekindsofrelationshipsrequiretrust.Boundaries.Lotsoffalsestartsandabruptstopsaswefigureditout.Sometrialanderror.”
“So,iftherewasnopain…?”
“I’dtieherup.Blindfoldher.Holdherdown.Tellherwhattodo.Doyouknowwhatorgasmdenialis?”
“IspeakEnglish.”Herlookwasfaintlyoffended,andhehuffedoutalaugh.
God,whathewouldn’tgivetopinherdownonthistable.Showherexactlywhathemeant.“Thereyougo,then.”
“Youknow,”shemused,“aguyImetontheappspankedme,once.”
Heletoutasilentlaugh.“Lookatyou.Aprofessionalkinkster.”
“Iknow,right?”
“Whatdidyouthinkofit?”
Sheseemedunimpressed.“Itwasmostlyridiculous.”
Eliwantedtoleanforward.Hewantedtosmoothouttheverticallinesbetweenherbrowsandtellherthathewasrightthere,andshedidn’tneedtothinkaboutsomeassholewhowasprobablyshittyinbedandcouldn’tgetheroff,becausehehadher,hewaswillingtolearnher,hewasconsumedbyher.Buthedidn’t,becauseitwouldhavesentherrunning.Andthequestionshewantedtoaskwasswellingbetweenthem,stretchingthesilencetothelimitsofitscomfort.
Hedidn’tneedhertosayit.Butfuck,hewantedherto.“Comeon,Rue.Don’tchickenoutnow.”Hewatchedherswallow.Herlipsremainedsealed,sohecluckedhistongue.“It’snotlikeyou.”
Sheseemedtoagree,becauseshemethiseyessquarely.“Wouldyouliketodothatwithme?”
Underthetable,hishandandhiscocktwitchedatonce.Hethoughtaboutpullingherintohislap.Lockingherinthishouseandthrowingawaythekey.Aboutthethingshecoulddotoher.Discoveringherlimits.Figuringoutwhatsheliked.Havingherathismercy.Makingherenjoyit.Shehadnofuckingideahowmuchfuntheycouldhave,justthetwoofthem.“Ifyouwantedtotry,yes.Someofit.”
“Likewhat?”
“Nothingthatwouldpushtoohard,tooquickly.Justyou,lettingmebeincharge.Andwe’dtalkeverythingover.”Hisbloodthuddedloudlyinhisveins.Inanticipation.Orworrythatshemightchangehermind.“Youcouldstayfortheday.Wecould…experiment.”
Sheblinked.“Ishouldgohome.”
“Why?”Hetriedforaneasygrin.Nottooeager.“It’snotlikeyouhaveanypets.”
Sherolledhereyes,butshewasamused.“Idohaveplantstowater.”
“Thecactusyouboughtatthegrocerystorelastweekwillbefine.”
Shechewedonherlowerlip.Hestudiedherlong,gracefulfingersdrummingagainstthetable,rememberedhowthey’dfeltwrappedaroundhim.“Won’tMayabeback?”
“Notuntiltonight.AndIoverheardhertellherfriendJadethatI’manincel.I’dlovetoshowherthatIdohavesomegame.”
Shelaughedsoftly,andEliknewthathehadher.22
GoodgirlRue
Whenwereturnedupstairs,Ihadthreemessagesonmyphone.
Nyota,emailingthecontactinformationforarealestatelawyerlicensedinTexasandIndiana.Goodnewsis,hecamehighlyrecommended.Sadnews:hishourlyratemightreflectthat.
Tisha,informingmethatshewasgoingtoKlineforacoupleofhourstofinishupsomethingfor“theanthropomorphizedperiodcramp”(Matt),askingwhetherIwantedtojoinher.Wecouldtakeajointdumponhisdeskonourwayout.LMK.
AndFlorence,who’dsnappedaprogresspictureofashawlshe’dbeenknittingformeinbeautifulshadesofred—myfavoritecolor.
“Everythingokay?”Eliaskedfrombehindme,andmyfirstinstinctwastohidemyphone—whichmademehatemyself.Kline,myfriends,mywork—theywerethepartofmylifeIwasproudof.
ItwaswhatIwasdoingwithElithatneededtobeconcealed.
“Ihaveastory,”Isaid,stillfacingawayfromhim.Ifeltpressureagainstmyeyes,butIwasn’tworried.I’dstoppedcryingwhenIwasachild.
“Goahead.”
“IoweeverythingtoFlorence.Myjob.Myscientificfreedom.Myfinancialstability.Thefuckingshawlthatshe’sknitting.AndinreturnI’mhere,inthebedroomofsomeonewho’sbeenmakingherlifeimpossible,havingmealswithhim,because…”
Silence.“Why?Whyareyouhere,Rue?”
Mychestfeltheavy.Iturnedaround.“BecauseI’mselfish,andcareless.BecauseIwanttobe.”
Henodded.Seemedtolookaroundforatalethatcouldmatchmine.“Ilastspoketomymotherafewweeksbeforeshedied.MyfinalwordstoherwerethatIhopedshewouldn’tbeasshittyamothertomysisterasshe’dbeentome.”
Westoodthere,soddenwiththeweirdcatharsisthatcamefromacknowledgingthekindsofflawsandregretsandmistakesthatlivedinourbones.
Heneverran,nomatterhowshameful.NeitherdidI.
“Okay,then,”Isaid,takingastepcloser.“Let’sstart.”
Elitookoffhisshirt.Hewashandsomeinarugged,interestingway,butwhatIlikedabouthimwasthestoryhisbodytold.Thebroadnessofhisshoulders,theproductofachildhoodspenthoninghisbody.Strong,longarms.Afewscarshereandthere,wherehemusthavetakenhitsandkeptgoing.“Didyouplaydefense?”
Hesmiled.“Howdidyouknow?”
“Luckyguess.Doweneedasafeword,orsomething?”
“Whydon’twejust…communicate,fornow?ItellyouwhatI’dlikeyoutodo,whatIwouldliketodo,andyoucantellmeno,oraskmetostop.Doesthatsoundgood?”
“Itsoundsbetterthanscreaming‘broccoli’becauseyou’repullingmyhairtoohard.”
Helaughed.“That’sthespirit.Areyouokaywithmeholdingyoudown?”Hesteppedcloserandgentlypulledmyhandsfromthebackpocketsofmyjeanshorts.Thenheclosedonehandaroundbothmywristswithsurprisingease,trappingthemonmylowerback.“Likethis.”
Heatbloomedinmystomach.Bloodrushedtomycheeks,butInodded.
“Ifyouchangeyourmind,justaskmetoletgo.”
“Iwon’t.”
Hescannedmyface.“I’mserious.Ifyoudon’tlikesomethingI’mdoing,you’lltellmeimmediately.”
“I’mdownforwhatever.”
“Really?Forwhatever?”
Inodded.
“SoIcanpressyouintothemattressrightnowandfuckyourasswithoutlube?”Ifroze.Anowwho’supforanything?eyebrowroseonhisforehead,andIhadtostopmyselffromfidgetinginhisgrip.“Thoughtso,”hesaidsoftly.“Takeoffyourclothesandliefaceuponthebed,Rue.Andifsomethingbothersyou,anything,tellme.”
Iwasnakedinjustafewmoments,awareofEli’seyestrailingmyeverymove.Stoppedinfrontofthebed.“Youcan,”Isaidovermyshoulder.“ButI’veneverdoneit,somaybenotwithoutlube.”
Hestoodcompletelystill,butsomethingbehindhiseyesstuttered,asifhisbrainwasshort-circuiting.BythetimeIlaydown,helookedcalm.Hisfingerstracedthevalleybetweenmybreasts,thenplayedmyribcagelikeapiano.Hewasstillwearingthegraysweatpantshe’dputonforbreakfast,theoutlineofhiserectionstrainingagainstthesoftmaterial.
“Wouldyoulikemetodosomethingaboutthat?”Iasked.Wasn’tthatthepoint?Formetoservicehiminsomeway?Theideahadmepressingmylegstogetherinanticipation.
Butheshookhishead.“Howaboutwestartslow?Justrelax.”
“SowhatdoIdo?”
Hechuckled.“Butofcourse.”
“What?”
“Youalwaysneedsomethingtodo.”
DidI?Yes.EversinceIwasachild,havingagoalwasthebestwaytoavoidthinkingaboutwhatevermiseryIwasgoingthrough.Howdidheknow,though?
“BecauseI’mthesameway,”hewhispered,leaninginforakissonmycheek.Itfeltmenacinglyintimate.“Whydon’twesaythatyourjobisnotcoming,sinceyouspeakEnglishsowell?”Hishandshiftedtomyabdomen,thenpressedlightly,hisweightonmyfleshdelicious.
“Ican’tcome?Ever?”
“NotuntilItellyou.Itdoesn’tmatterhowcloseyouare,youwaitformypermission.Okay?”
“Doesn’tsoundtoohard.NothavingorgasmswithamanissomethinginwhichIhaveplentyofexperience.”
Hemutteredsomethingthatsoundedalotlikemouthy,andthenbentdowntokissmeinthewayI’dbecomeaccustomedto,atoncerestrainedandabsolutelyfilthy.
Sonewforme,recognizingsomeone’skissfingerprint.BeingfamiliarwithEli’sfresh,woodsyscent.“Thisisarecurringdreamofmine,”hesaidagainstoneofmynipplesbeforebitingitsoftly.
Isighedinpleasure.“Whatis?”
“You.Naked.Doingasyou’retold.”Histhumbpressedagainstmylowerlip.“I’vealwayslikedbeingincharge,butwithyouit’ssomethingelsealtogether.Becauseyou’resoslippery,maybe.It’sapowerfulfantasy,havingtherighttoorderyoutostayput.”Hesoundedlikehewasworkingthroughamathproblem.Whenoureyesmet,hissmilewasself-effacing.“Let’sgetstarted,shallwe?”
Hedidwhathealwaysdid:kissmybreasts,tracetheedgeofmyhipbone,inhaletheskinofmythroat.Itturnedmeon,butIcouldn’tseethedestination,anditmademerestless.
Whichamusedhim.“Relax.”Heexaminedthewhiteshadowofmyappendectomyscar.
“ButwhatshouldI—”
“Ijusttoldyou.”Hishandslidbetweenmythighs.Teasedthemapart.“Relax.”
“Don’tyou—”Airrushedoutofmylungswhenhepartedmewithhisthumb.Hisbreathhitched,too.
“You’realwayssoakedwhenIfirsttouchyou,Rue.”Histhumbmovedunhurriedlyfrommyentrancetomyclit,andthendownagain.Iarchedintohistouch,heatradiatingthroughmynerveendings.“Iliketothinkthatit’smydoing.”
“It’smydoing,”Ibitback.Laughterrosefromdeepinhischest,makingmeevenwetter
“Imightlikeyourtitsevenmorethanyourlips.AndIdefinitelylikeyourhonestyevenmorethanyourtits.Believeme,that’ssayingsomething.”
I’dexpectedhimtogodownonme,becauseheseemedtotrulyenjoyit,andbecauseifthegamewastopushmetotheedgeasquicklyaspossible,itwouldhavebeenthecost-effectiveway.Buthetookhistime:herubbedmeleisurely,lightly,justthetipofhisfingersovermycunt,andlittlebylittleImeltedintohistouch.Iclosedmyeyes,layback,anditcouldhavebeenthreeortwentyminuteslaterwhenInoticedhowcloseIwas.
Trembling.
Grippingthesheets.
Chewingonmylowerlipandarchingintoeverystroke.
TheclimbhadbeensogradualI’dbarelynoticed,andwhenIlookedatEliwithadisbelievingexpression,hesmiled,almostsweetly,andeasedthetipofhismiddlefingerinsideme.“You’realreadyrightthere,aren’tyou?Clenchingaroundmyfinger.”
“Becauseyou—”Igroaned.Hiscalmwasdestabilizing.IwasmoreworkedupthanIcouldrememberbeing,andhewasunaffected.
“YouknowI’mnotgoingtoletyoucomeforalong,longwhile,don’tyou?”
Isqueezedmymusclesaroundhisthickfingerandreveledinhissharpexhale.Hiscockwasstillhard,impossiblylarger.“Whatabouty-you?”
“Me?”Hetookhishandaway,andIbitbackawhimper.Iwatchedhimstrokehimselffromabovehissweats,thentakehiscockoutforafewmorepumps.“IcancomewheneverandwhereverIchoose,Rue.Now.Later.Nowandlater.Isn’tthatfun?”
Iclosedmyeyes,tryingtopushhisentertainedtoneoutofmyhead,askingmybodytowinddown.Thisfeltlikeajoke,ajokeIwasn’tinon.AllIwantedwas—
“Let’stryagain,okay?”Hisvoicewassoftandpatient,andIinstantlyfeltmoreatease.Butthewayhispalmspreadmythighswasferal,andhismouthonmycuntremindedmethathewasincontrol.
Itwasagony.OrthebestthingI’deverfelt.Afterwhatfeltlikehours,Istillcouldn’tmakeupmymind.AllIknewwasthatElisparednoquarter,andbroughtmeupandupandupwithhismouthandhisfingersandsometimeswithhisdeep,filthyvoice,andthen,whenIfeltlikeIwasgoingtoexplodefromthetensiondilatinginsideme,hesteppedawayandleftmebereft.Once,Ialmostcame,andhepunishedmewithasoftbiteattheedgeofmycuntthathadmeshivering,readytopromisehimanythingforonemoresecondofcontact.Iwaswillingtogetmyselfoffwithmyownfingers.Tohumphisleg.Tobehisfuckingservant—andthenhedecidedthatIwasfidgetingtoomuch,anddidwhathe’dpromised:herestrainedme,bothmywristsinhishand,andpinnedmyarmstomystomach.Openingmylegswider,archingintohismouthandhistouch,weretheonlypossiblewaystoprolongcontactwithhim.Andthat’swhatIdid,holdingbackmypleasuntilIhadnochoicebuttobeg.
“Please.”
“Please,what?Whatdoyouneed,Rue?”
“Ican’t.Please,please,please,makemecome.Orletmemakemyselfcome.Please.”
Hecluckedhistongueagainstmyclit,notquitehardenough.Iwasgoingtodie.“Ithoughtyouwereanexpert.Ithoughtitwaseasyforyou,notcoming.”
“Youhaveto—please.Youhaveto.”
“Isthistoomuch,Rue?Wouldyoulikemetojustfinishyouoff?”Hekissedmybellybutton,jarringlychasteaftertheplaceshismouthhadbeenforthepasthour.“Broccoli,Rue?”
Iletouthystericallaughter.“No.Notbroccoli,”Ipanted,notsurewheretheanswercamefrom.Sheerstubbornness.Thatunderlyingsuspicionthatthiswasdoingasmuchforhimasitwasforme.Therewaspowerthatcamefromgivinghimsomethinghesoclearlywanted.Iwasmiserableandsoaringlikeneverbefore.“Icantakeit.”
“Areyousure?”Hislongfingerarchedinsideme.Hereallydidknowhowtousehishands.Bastard.“You’rereallytightrightnow.Areyousureyoucangivemeafewmoreminutes?”
Iwasn’t,butInoddedvehemently.Overcompensating.
“I’vewantedtodothistoyousinceIsawyouatthathotelbar.Iwenthomeafterwardandlayinthisbedandthoughtabouthowseriousyouwere,howself-possessedandsolemn,andIimaginedhownicelyyou’dcomeapart.”Hebitsoftlyatthetopofmypelvicbone.“I’mfifteenagain,Rue.Youwouldn’tbelieveit,howmuchIjerkoff,thinkingofyou.”
Iwasunglued.Hewasungluingme.“Howmuchlonger?”
“You’vedonesowell,baby.It’syourfirsttime,andyou’vemademesohappy.”Herewardedmewithanotheropen-mouthedkiss,andprideburstinsidemeathiswords.“Canyougivemefivemoreminutes?Fivemore,andthenI’llletyoucome.”
Histonewaspatronizing.Insulting,really,butitwoundmeupevenharder,crammingmorepleasureinsideme.“Okay.”
“That’smygirl.Andthenyoucancomehowevermanytimesyouwant.”
Justoncewasgoingtobeenough.Itwasgoingtoripmeapartandwreckmeforever.“Okay.”
“ButI’mnotgoingtomakeiteasy.”Iopenedmyeyesandmethis.Dreadmixedwiththeheatinmybelly.Ihateyou,Ithought,lovingeverysecond,everytouch,everyfragmentofthis.“Onelastsprint,Rue.Fivemoreminutes,butIgetto…”
Hedidn’tsaywhat,buthistonguelickedupmyslitagain—thistimewithpurpose.
Igaspedandarchedalmostcompletelyoffthebed.
“Don’tcome,”heremindedme,andInoddedblindly,keptnoddingashetoldmetoremembermypromise.“Begood,Rue,”herepeated,buttheflatofhistonguewaspressingagainstmyclitandIcouldn’t—justcouldn’t
Mylegsbeganshaking,thenmyarms,andthetinglingpressureinmyabdomenexplodedintoshockwavesthatcrashedthroughmybody.
Icouldn’thelpit,soIscreamed,surethatthiswasthemostsevere,unyieldingpleasureanyonehadeverfeltatonce.Toobigformybodyandtoointenseforthisworld.IwasgratefulforEli’shandsholdingme,keepingmetetheredtosomethingasmyvisionnarrowed,aseverythingbutthesplendorofitreceded.
Then,onceeverysensationinthegalaxyhadcycledthroughmybody,IfelllimplyonthebedandrealizedwhatI’ddone.
“Shit.”Isatup.Eli’sgripmusthaveloosened,becauseIcouldeasilyfreemyhands.Ithadn’tbeenfiveminutes.Ithadn’tbeenoneminute.“I’msorry.”
Heshookhishead,watchingmystill-tremblingbodywithatransfixedexpression
“I—shit.IknowIwasn’tsupposedto—I’msorry—”
“Stopapologizing,”heordereddistractedly.Insteadhemovedontopofme,blanketingmybody,onearmoneachsideofmyhead.HestaredatmelikeIwasabeautiful,exoticflowerthathadthepowertokillhimwithapollendrop.
“Ididn’tmeanto—”
“Youaresofuckinghot.”Heleaneddownandkissedme,almostviolently.“Youdon’tunderstandwhatyoudotome.BecauseIdon’tunderstandwhatyoudotome.”
“Itwasn’tfiveminutes.I…”
Heexhaledagainstmycheek.“Rue,don’tyougetit?It’sthewholedamnpoint,toseeyouloseit.WhydoyouthinkIdothis?Toseeyougowild.”Hewashard,grindingagainstmybellythroughhissweats.Hismusclestrembledwithimpatience,andhisbreathwasallovertheplace.HeseemedasfargoneasI’dfeltjustaminuteearlier.
“Areyougoingto—Idon’tknow,punishme?Spankme?”
Helaughed.“I’dratherfuckyou.”Hismusclesflexedasheliftedhimselfup.Ifeltthemattressshift,thenheardrustlingnoisesasadrawerslidopen.WhenIcouldseehisfaceagain,hewasholdingacondominhishand.“Okay?”heasked.
We’ddiscussedthis.WasIreallyuptoit?
Yes.Yes,becauseIhadnodoubtthatEliwouldstopifIneededhimto.
Inodded.
“Goodgirl.”Hekissedmeagain,firmlythistime.
“BecauseI’mlettingyoudoit?”Iaskedagainsthislips.
“No.Becauseyouthoughtaboutitbeforesayingyes.”
Herolledthecondomon,hiscockalmostobscenecoveredinlatex,andthenslathereditinlube.Idoubtedhe’dneedit,butappreciatedtheconsideration.Ithadbeenacoupleofyearsforme,andwhenhelaidontopofme,Ialmostexpecteditwouldbelikemyfirsttime,apinchingdiscomfortrequiringsomeadjustment.
Somethinglargeandbluntproddedagainstmyopening,andashepushedin,Ifeltanimpressionofintensefullness.Then,abruptly,withhiscocknomorethanoneortwoinchesinsideme,Elihalted.Hisarmscagedmyshoulders,andhemutteredsomethingthatresembledunbelievable,andthensomethinglikethankfuckwe’redoingthiswithacondom.Hisforeheadsankintothepillow,rightnexttomyhead.
“Goddamn,”hemuttered.
“Youokay?”Iasked.Myhandtraveledupanddownthedivotofhisspine,brushingtheplanesofmusclesoneitherside.Theytwitchedundersweatyskin.
“Fuuuck.”Thewordwasmuffledbythepillow.“Givemeasecond.Beagoodgirlanddon’tmove.”
Ididn’tmove.Buthefeltsolargeandforeigninsideme,Ineededtotestthestretchandthelimitsofhim,findoutwhereheendedandIbegan.SoIclenchedaroundhim,andthatwasallittook.
“Fuck,sweetheart,youcan’t—”
Oneofhishandsslammeddownbetweenourbodies,andwhenIglanceddown,Irealizedthatonlythetipofhiscockwasinsideme—andthathewascuppingthebaseinamixofdesperationandself-defense.Invain.Eliwasalreadyshuddering,eyesscrewedshutandfacetwistedwithpleasureashemadeunrestrainednoisesandcameinsideme.
Andcame,andcame,andcame
Hewasinthethroesofsomethingthatseemedtotranscendpleasure,andIwatchedeverymomentofit,spellbound,untileverylastdropofsensationwasmilkedfromhim.Andwhenitwasfinallyover,whenElimanagedtocollecthimselfandopenhiseyes,Icouldn’tuntanglewhatIfoundonhisface.
“Fuck,”hesaid,shiftingup,handscuppingmyface,andhelooked—forsomereasonhelookedabsolutelyruined.Devastated.Iwasn’tsurewhatpossessedmetodoit,buthelookedlikeheneededit,andIturnedmyheadandpressedasoft,reassuringkissintohisshakypalm.
ItseemedtoignitesomethinginEli,becausehismouthfoundminewithakiss.Andthenanother.Andthenevenmore,somanythatIlostcount.Afterafewminuteshesoftenedandslippedoutofme,andmurmuredsomethingagainstmylipsaboutnotwantingthecondomtoleak,butmanagedtogetridofitwithlittlefuss.Thenhedraggedmeontohischest,lockedhisarmsaroundme,andkeptonkissingme,kissingme,kissingme.Likehedidn’tknowthatthesexwasover,likehewantedtoprolongit.AndIdidn’tmind.Notfornow.Notforawhile.
Ihadnoideahowlongwestayedlikethat.Ionlyknewthatthekissbecamemany,alllanguidandnever-ending,andthatthelightintheroomgrewdimmerandtheshadowslonger,andthatwewouldhavecontinued—ifonlythedoorbellhadn’trung.23
AwonderfullayEli
Atfirstheshutthesoundout,wrappedhisarmstighteraroundRue,andwentonkissingher.
He’djusthadthemostintenseorgasmofhislife,hisbodywasstillprocessingthepasthours,andhewasfullyimmersedintheout-of-bodyexperienceofRuenotrunningawayfromhimafterhe’dfuckedher.Orcomeasclosetofuckingherashe’dbeenabletogetbeforelosingit.
Hewassmitten,andnotinclinedtofightit.
Butthedoorbellrangagain,andtheshrillnoiseturnedintoanaggingfeelingthatsankintohispleasure-addledbrainlikeabrick.
“Shit,”hemutteredagainstherlips,thenpulledherevencloser.Shewaspliantandglowingandhappy,andhe’dhadnointentionofmovingexcepttofeedherorfuckheragain.“Shit.”
“What?”
“Myfriends.They’rehere.Wehadplans.”
Shegavehimasleepy,wheel-spinninglook.“Areyouhappyaboutthat?”
“God,no.”
Shesmiled,andhisheartleapedinhisribcage.Hecoulddoevenbetter.Hecouldmakeherfuckinglaugh,withsomepracticeandlotsofluck.“Couldyoupretendnottobehome?”
“Theyhaveasetofkeys.”
“Isee.”
“Andthey’dhaveseenmycaroutside.”
“True.”Shenuzzledunderhischin,justasreluctanttomoveaway.“Lookslikeyou’regoingtohavetointeractwiththem.”
Hegroanedinherhair,unabletoletgoofher,thiswomanwhodespisedherselfforwantinghim.Hadheeverfeltthiswaybefore?Hemusthave.Justcouldn’tremember.
“ShouldIsneakoutofthewindow?”Hegaveherapuzzledlook,soshecontinued,“Ihavenoissuewithwalk-of-shamingout,butmaybeyoudo?”
“Please,don’ttiemysheetsinarope.”Heextricatedhimselffromher,andtheskinofhershoulderimmediatelyroseintinygoosebumps.Hetracedthemwithhisthumbandforcedhimselftosay,“Justcomedownwhenyou’reready.”
“Okay.”
Hegotupandwatchedherclosehereyesandstretchsinuouslyonthesheets,fistinghishandstohissidestopreventhimselffromgettingbackintobed.Hewasheduphaphazardly,putonawornflannelandapairofjeans,andbythetimehewasdownstairs,MinamiandSulwerealreadyonthecouch,cuddlingTinyasthoughhewerethebabytheywerenotsosecretlytryingforandtakingadvantageofEli’sHBOsubscription.
Heleanedagainstthedoorjambandtriedforanirritatedlook,butMinamiwouldn’thaveit.
“Well,well,well.Lookwho’sfinallyup,brighteyedandbushytailed.Howwasyournapper,champ?”Minamigrinned.Thenfrowned.“Sincewhendoyounap?”
“Sincenever.Ihavesomeoneover.”
Hereyebrowshotup.EvenSul,Mr.MountainofImpassivity,staredwide-eyed.“Inthemiddleoftheafternoon?Orfromlastnight?”
“Whatdoyouthink?”
Shepursedherlips,twice.Nosoundcameout,twice.Sighed.“Sul,couldyouwhistlesuggestivelyforme?I’vebeenpracticing,butit’ssohard.”
Sulobeyed—quiteskillfully—likethewhippedlovesickidiothewas.
“Thankyou,babe.Soweinterruptedyou,Eli?”
“Yup.”
“Sad.”Apainednod.“Butwhosefaultisitfornotcancelingtoday’sdinnerinadvance?”
HegaveherthefingerjustasHarklethimselfinside.“Hey.”Hishairwascoatedintinydropletsofrain.“Didyoursisterfinallygetanewcar?Hightime.”
“Nope.”
“ThenwhoseKiaisinyourdriveway?”
“Elihassomeoneover,”Minamisingsonged.“He’dforgottenthathewassupposedtomakeusrisotto.”
Hark’seyeswereoutragedasheheldouttwobottles.“DoesthisVerdicchioIextensivelyresearchedandboughttopairwithitmeannothingtoyou?”
“Lessthan.”
“Fuckoff,”hesaidmildly,glancingatSulandMinami.“I’mgoingbacktomyplaceandorderingpizza.”
“LeavetheVerdicchio,”Eliordered.
“AsIalreadymentioned,youcanfuckrightoff.”
“It’sokay.I’mleaving.”
Theyallturnedtowardthenewvoice.Ruewascomingdownthestairs,onehandonthebanisterasshestoodonthelanding.
Eli’sheartthudded.Hisbraincouldn’tcompute.
Aftertheirshower,herdarkhairhaddriedinwildercurlsthanhewasusedto.Barefoot,heavy-lidded,andwithnomakeupandablue-tintedmarkthatElihaddefinitelysuckedonherthroatwhilecominginsideher,shewasabsolutelybreathtaking.Lushandfullandsodeeplyfuckedandfuckable.
You’renot.You’renotleaving.You’restayingtillI’vehadmyfill,andalittlepastthat.
Buthereyeswereguarded,andthesilencetense.ItoccurredtoElithathe’dnevertoldherthathisfriendswouldbefromHarkness.AndtheyhadnotexpectedthewomanupstairstobeRue.
Minamiwasthefirsttorecover,shootingtoherfeetwithawidesmile.“Rue!It’slovelytomeetagain.”
Ruedescendedthestairs.“Nicetoseeyou,too.”
Minamileanedforwardtohugher—abitofabsurdcomedy,consideringthatRuewasnearlyafoottaller,andclearlyunsureastowhatwashappening.Hewatchedherstifflyreciprocate,debatingbetweenbeingamusedandgoingtoherrescue,butMinamikeptthematterbrief.“Don’tleave—let’sallhavedinnertogether!It’salwaysthefourofus.I’mboredtotearswiththesethree.”
Eli’smuttered“wow”cameatthesametimeasHark’ssnorted“harsh”andSul’sstoic“we’remarried,butokay.”Minami’ssmileheldalet’sbefriendsinvite,butRueseemeduneasyandreplied,“I’mnotsureitwouldbeappropriate.”
Theatmospherethickened.Suddenly,theroomwasn’tpopulatedbyEli’sfriendsandthewomanhewasseeing,butbyFlorence’sprotégéandthosewhosoughttotakeoverKline.Rueagainsttheworld,outofplaceandaloneanduncomfortable.
Sheoftenlookedexactlylikethat,andaslongasElihadanysayinit,shewasnevergoingtobemadetofeelthatwayonhiswatch.“Ifanyone’sleaving,it’sthem,”hesaidfirmly.HiseyesheldRue’s,untilHarkaddedgruffly,“Thankyou,asshole.Rue,weshouldallhavedinnertogether.It’sobviousthatEliwantsyouhere.He’sthebirthdayboy,afterall.”
“It’syourbirthday?”Rue’seyeswidened.“Itisyourbirthday,”shesaid,mayberecallinghisdriver’slicense.“I…Happybirthday,Eli.”
Hisheartskippedabeat,thenthumpedloudlyinhischest.Ifthey’dbeenalone,maybehe’dhavetoldher,Thankyou,Rue.YougavemethebestbirthdayI’vehadinadecade.Ormaybenot.
“Elidoesn’tlikepeopletoacknowledgehisbirthdayinanyway,”Minamiwarned.“Wemaygathertocelebrateit,butwemaynotadmittowhywe’regathered.”
“Anditdoesn’thavetobeweird,”Harkaddedgruffly.“OurcounselwouldadviseusnottotalkaboutanythingKlinerelated,anyway.”Rueremainedquiet,soheadded,“Besides,IparkedbehindyourKia,andyou’regoingtoneedsomecrazymaneuverstogetout.Areyougoodatthatstuff?”
Shewinced.“Absolutelynot.”
“Thenyoureallyneedtostay.Youcan’tmakememovemycar;it’srainingandElifixedthecracksinthedrivewaybyhimself.It’squicksandoutthere.”
Minamilaughed.Sulsmiled,andsodidHark,thistimesincerely.RuejustlookedatEli,asifaskingforguidance.“Stay,”hesaidinalowbutaudibletone,andafteralongpauseshenodded.
“Okay.Thankyouforhavingme.”
Relieframmedhardintohim.“LetmegomakethisfuckingrisottoyoudickheadsruinedmySaturdayfor.”
“Gottaloveawarmwelcome,”Minamisaid,beforechattingRueup.Elicouldn’thearwhattheyweresaying,buthetrustedMinamitobedecent.UnlikeHark,whofollowedhimintothekitchenwithadeepscowl.
“I’massumingyou’reheretoputtheVerdicchiointhefridge?”
“Wrong.Tryagain.”Harksetthebottlesonthetable.“Whatthefuckareyoudoing,Eli?”
Hecrossedhisarms.“WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mdoing?”
“Itlookslikeifyoustaredatthatgirlanylongeryou’dhavejizzcomingoutofyoureyeballs.”
“Woman.And:classy.”
“Anditlookslikeyou’redoingFlorenceKline’sfriend.Anditlookslikeyoubroughtherintothehouseyousharewithyourveryyoungsister.”
“Maya’sinhertwenties.Shehaspeoplespendingthenightallthetime.”Hark’sscowldeepened.“Dude,whatisyourdeal?”
“HowlonghasitbeenwithRue?”
“Onandoff,afewweeks.”
“Jesus,Eli.Aren’tthereotherwomen?”
“Sure,butIdon’twantthem.”
“Whatabouttheracquetballgirl?”
Hefrowned.“Who?”
“Theonewemetwhen—”
“Stoprightthere.Idon’twantRacquetballGirl,oranyothergirl,becausethey’renotRue.”
“Oh,comeoffit.What’stherealreason?”
“Thisistherealreason.Ilikeher.She’sawonderfullayandshesmellsamazingandIlovehavingheraround.Doyouwanttoreadmyfuckingdiary?”
“No,Iwantyoutorememberthatthingsareheatingup,andwe’recloserthanever.HaveyouconsideredthepossibilitythatFlorencemightbeusinghertofindoutshitfromus?”
Elidid,rightthen,forallofasecond.“Sheisn’t.”
“Howcanyoubesosure?Becauseyouhavediscoveredtheheightsandthedepthsofsweetstar-crossedlovewithher?”
“BecausesheneverbringsupKline.BecauseIhavebeenpursuingher.Andbecauseshe’snotthekindofpersonwho’ddothat.”
“Andyouknowhersowell.Allofwhat,twohours?”
“Iknowherwellenough.”
“Goddammit,Eli.Howseriousis—”Heinterruptedhimself,andwhenElifollowedhisgaze,hesawRueinthedoorway.
Hewonderedhowmuchshe’doverheard,butherfacewasinscrutableassheasked,“Doyouneedanyhelpwiththecooking,Eli?”SheignoredHark,who,tohiscredit,managedtolookcontrite.HebrushedpastRuewithamurmured“excuseme,”andEliwasjustgladtobealonewithheragain.
Itwasfundamentallyfuckedup,thisfeelingthathisfriendsofoveradecadewereintrudingonhislifewithRue—awomanwhowouldpouraClass8chemicaldownhisnostrilsforFlorenceKline.Orevenjustrecreationally.Andyet,herehewas.
Smilingather.
Hisheartskippedwhenshesmiledbackfaintly.
“Areyoutryingtostealmysecretrecipe,ordoyoujustfeelweirdbeingwithHarknesspeopleintheotherroom?”heasked.
“Thelatter.I…I’mnotverygoodwithpeopleIdon’tknow.”
“Ah.”ElireadjustedhismentalimageofRue.She’dalwaysbeenself-assuredwithhim,ateaseeversincethefirstnight.He’dnoticedthatsheseemedtobemorereservedwithothers,buthe’dchalkedituptoaslightlyaloofpersonality,notsocialanxiety.
“Isthisrecipesecret,too?”sheasked.
“It’snot.”Hischestfelttight.“Comehere,I’llteachyou.”
Shepaddedtothestovebutdeviatedwhenshenoticedabowloffruit.Shepickedupanapple,holdingitinapensivewaythatpulledafondsmilefromEli.“Areyouthinkingaboutthemicrobialcoating?”
Shenodded.“Ifinishedcollectingdatayesterday.”
Sheseemedexcited,andhefeltinexplicablypleased.Wouldcongratulatinghersoundpatronizing?“It’safantasticproject.”
Shesmiled,andhefeltlikehe’dwonthelottery.“Thankyou.”
“Whatwillyoudonext?”
“I’mnotsureyet.OnceIhavethepatent,I’llhavetodecideifIwanttolicenseitormarketitmyself.”
Somethingaboutthephrasinggavehimpause.“Won’tKlineownthetech?”
“No.Iwill.FlorenceandIhadanagreementfromthestart.”
Eli’shandtightenedaroundthehandleofaknife.“Didshe—areyou—”Getagrip,asshole.Useyourwords.“Doyouhaveawrittencontractforthat?”
“Ofcourse.”Shegavehimapuzzledlookandputtheappleback.“Why?WereyouhopingtostealmyintellectualpropertytogetherwiththerestofKline?”
Therewasabiteinherwords,buthewastoosweptbyrelieftomind.“Somethinglikethat.”Heneededtochangethetopic.“Doyoucook?”
“Notwell,butIliketohavepropermeals.FoodiswhatIsplurgeon.”
Shesaiditlikeitwasaluxury.“I’mgladyou’restaying.”
“Why?”
“Iliketofeedyouwell.”Therewasapangofregretinhischest.McKenziehadtriedtoteachhimasmuchasshecould,butElihadbeentoobusybuildingabusinessWhatawaste.Ruecouldhavemarveledathiskitchenprowessforweeksonend.“Youcangratethecheese.Trynottoshaveyourfingers—Minami’sinoneofhervegetarianphases.”
Theyworkedaswellinhiskitchenastheyhadinherlab,exceptthatthistimeElitooktheleadandwassurprisedbyhowstudiouslyRueappliedherself,treatinggarlicandoliveoilliketheywerehighlyvolatilesubstances.CookingwithMcKenziehadbeenalotoffun—McKenzie,whowasbrightandsunnyandmadeeverythingturnintobanterandkissesflavoredwithwhateveringredientsthey’dbeenusing.Ruewasnothinglikethat.Shewasintenseandfocused.Arealfortress.Shespokelittle,alwaysrelevantquestionsandtheoccasionaldeadpanjokethathadElibitinghischeektoavoidlaughing.Sherarelyvolunteeredinformation,andneverstartedsentenceswithI
Andyet.Therewereshysmiles,andtheraptwayshestaredathishands,andwhenhestoodbehindhertostir,sheleanedbackagainsthischest,justalittle,justenoughtomakehisbrainandhisheartandhisdickpoundinwayshewasn’treadytoanalyze.
Whatwoulditbeliketobeinarelationshipwithher?Long,comfortablesilences.Incessanthonesty.Peaksandvalleys.Soeasytoimaginesomepoor,haplessguyhangingfromhereveryword.Makingafull-timejoboutofteasingher.He’dputheratthecenterofhisuniverse,andfeelontopoftheworldwhensheeventuallyreturnedthefavor.
Justthethoughtmadehimfeeljealous,andangry,andalittlesad.
“Isitreadyyet?”Minamiasked,poppingbythekitchen.“Sul’sstarving.IsawhimlustilyeyeingTinyandhadtodistracthimwithsaltines.”
“Inthreeminutes.Thanksforsavingmydog.”
“IconsidermyselfmoreTiny’sfriend.You’reincidental.”
“Ofcourse.”HekissedMinamiontheforeheadonhiswaytothefridge,andshetookthechancetowhisperinhisear,“It’scalledanundercut.”
Hegaveherapuzzledlook.
“You’vebeenstaringatRue’shairlikeyouwantedtoknow.”
Ruecouldn’tpossiblyhaveheard,butwhenhewasbackatthestove,sheeyedhimstrangely.“What?”heasked.
Sheshookherhead.“Nothing.”
Ruelikedtherisotto,whichhadElitryingtoplayitcoolevenashewasreadytotakeavictorylaparoundtheblockandinvestinsomefireworks.Dinnerwentwithoutincident,andtheconversationdidn’ttouchsensitivetopics;itflowedmostlyamongHarknesspeople,butMinami,andevenHark,madeanefforttoincludeRue.Shewasshy,herealized,buthewasn’tsurewhethertheotherswereabletorecognizethisinher.PerhapsTinydid,becauseheputhischinonherkneeandgazedupatherwithanadoringexpressionthatseemedlikeaparodyofEli’s.
Hewasabsolutelycharmedbyherinabilitytointeractwithhisdog.Hepicturedherwakingupinthemorning,makingherwayoutsidetowalkTiny,politelybutassertivelyaskinghimnottoeatotherdogs’shit.Whensheliftedahand,asthoughconsideringatentativepatonTiny’shead,Elialmostheldhisbreath.Shegaveupafterafewmomentsofnervoushovering,andTinylookedabsolutelycrestfallen.
Me,too,buddy,Elithought.Me,too.
MayareturnedwhileHarkwasinthemiddleofascathingrecountofthearthousemoviehe’dwatchedthenightbefore.Shefirstgasped,thensmiled,thenroastedthem.“Ohmygod—isthisaparty?”
“It’sadinner,”MinamisaidwhilehuggingMaya.“Whichiswhatpassesforapartyamongpeopleintheirthirties.”
“Mustbehard,beingsomillennial.”Thelastwordwasclearlyaninsult.ShehuggedSul,madehearteyesatRue,butstoppedshortofHark.“Hey,Conor,”sheteased.Hercheekboneswereflushedpink.Fromthenightchill,Elihoped.
ExceptitwasJune.InTexas.
“Hi,Maya.”Harknodded,pointedlylookingelsewhere.HewasalwaysniceenoughtopretendnottonoticeEli’ssister’scrush,butdidamiserablejobofit
“There’sleftoverrisottointhekitchen,”Elisaid.Whenhissisterleft,Hark’seyesfollowedher.Thenhepouredhimselfanotherglassofwineanddowneditinasinglegulp.
“Youknowthereisthisthingcalledsipping?It’snottequila,”Minamipointedout.SheandSulhadn’tbeendrinkingmuch.
“Isn’tit?Who’stosay?”
“Itsmolecularstructure,forone.”
“Electronpairsareoverrated,”Eliinterjected.
“Theyarenot.Andthat’swhyIfinishedmyPhDinchemicalengineeringandyoutwodidnot.”
EliandHarkexchangedalook,mumbled“savage”and“lowblow,”andthenstoppedinthemiddleofshakingtheirheads.BecauseRueglancedbetweenthem,thenfocusedonEliandasked,“YouwereinachemicalengineeringPhD?”
Fuck.
Thetablefellsilent.Eliconsidereddamagecontrolpossibilities,butHarkbeathimtoit.“Wesurewere.”
Rueturnedtohim.“Where?”
“Sameasyou.”Heleanedbackinhischair.“UT.”
“Youbothwereingradschool.IntheengineeringdepartmentatUTAustin,”Ruerepeated,confused.
“Correct.”
“When?”
“Afewyearsbeforeyou,I’dguess.Yourboyfriendcameintheyearaftermine.Samementor,though.”
“Hark,”Eliwarned,butRuetalkedoverhim.
“Andwhydidn’tyoufinish?”
“Whataninterestingquestion.”ThetwistofHark’smouthwasbitter.“Wewereaskedtoleave.”
“Hark.”Thistime,thewarningcamefromMinami,whowasusuallybetterthanEliatgettinghimtobehave.Problemwas,shecouldnotorderRuetostopaskingquestions.
“Why?Whathappened?”
“Oh,itwassolongago,Icanbarelyremember.Butmaybeyourfriend—”
“Hark.”Elirosetohisfeet,palmsonthetable.Ruelookedpuzzledandoutofsorts,andhedidn’tlikeit.Shewasn’tgoingtobeambushedwithapieceofknowledgethatwouldhurther—notonEli’sfuckingwatch.“Enough.”
“Myfriend?”Rueasked,ataloss.
Thistime,Harktippedhisglassather,drainedwhatwasleftofhiswine,andthenliftedhishandsinsurrender.Hissmilewasonceagaincharming.DirectedatEli.“Iknow,Iknow—I’manasshole.ButwhatthefuckisleftinlifeifIcan’tbeanassholewhenI’mdrunk?”
Elirolledhiseyes.“Howaboutdecency?”
“Eh.Overrated.”
EliandMinamiexchangedalong,conversation-containinglook,punctuatedbyMinamiclappingonceandgettingtoherfeet.“SinceRuemightbetoopolitetoaskHarktogodrownhimselfinaclaw-footbathtub,howaboutwejustcallitanight?”
“Soundsgoodeventome,”Harkmuttered.
“Fantastic.You’reclearlynotsober,sowe’lljustdropyouoffonourwayhome.Youcanpickupyourcartomorrow,whenyouslinkbackheretobegforEli’sforgivenessforthewayyouactedinthepresenceofhisfriend.”
“Ishouldleave,too,”Ruesaid.Elihatedhowsmallhervoicesounded,ortheideaofhergoinganywhere.Butherposturewastense,anditwasobviousthatshedidn’twanthimtoprotest.
Heheldouthishand.“Givemeyourkeys.”HeglaredatHark.“I’llmoveyourcaroutofwhatevermessthisjackassmade.”
WhenElicamebackfromtherain,MinamiwastalkingwithRueinhushedtones.“…justdrunk,”heheardhermurmur.“Hegetsweird.Honestly,theVerdicchioshouldhavebeenCBDinfused.Hey,ifyoueverwanttogetcoffee,mycorporateemailisjustmyfirstname.Icheckit,like,everytwentyminutes.It’saproblem.”Hesighed,wentintothekitchen,andreturnedwithaTupperwareofleftovers.
“Forme?”Harkasked.Hissmilewassheepish,butEliwasn’tgoingtolethimoffthehookjustyet.
“Nope.Youcaneatshit.”HedepositedthecontainerinRue’shands,thenmurmured,onlyforher:“Drivecarefully,okay?”Heleanedinandpressedakissonhersoftlips,onethatshemaynothaveexpected,butstillreturned.“Andifyouwantto…”Hehadnoideahowtofinishthatsentence.Talk?Fuck?PlayUno?Alloftheabove?
Shenodded,butEliwasn’tsuresheunderstoodwhathemeant,orhowtoexplainitwithoutsendingherrunning.
“Okay,we’regoing,”Minamisaid.“Byeee,thankyoufordinner!”
Elisighedandwatchedthemtrickleoutside,desperateforonelastglimpseofRue’sface,buthecaughtnone.24
Idon’tdislikehimRue
“Andyou’reassumingtheywerereferringtoFlorence,because…?”
IwatchedTisha’sforeheadcrinkleonFaceTimeandnodded.ItwasthesamequestionI’daskedmyselfahandfuloftimessinceyesterday.
Oronehundred.
“BecauseIhaveexactlytwofriends.Andifit’snotFlorence…istheresomethingyouwanttotellme?”
“Goodpoint,”sheconceded.
Iscratchedmytemple.I’dsleptpoorlyandfitfully,mybrainanagitatedmessofConorHarkness’stauntingvoice,whitewinefillingmyglass,andthewayElihadrestedhischinovermyheadashestirredtheboilingwater.Atsomepointearlyinthemorning,rightbeforefallingasleep,IdecidedthatIneededsomedistancefromEli.Tohelpmybodyprocesswhathecoulddotome.
“Ilookedthemup,”ItoldTisha.“AsmuchasIcould.Mostofthehitsregardingthosefour—”
“EliandhisHarknessfriends?”
“Correct.Mosthitsareabouttheirrecentfinancework,butwithsomedigging—”
“Define‘some’?”
“Acouplehoursofexplorationofdigitalarchives.Tisha,Icanplacethreeofthem—Minami,Hark,andEli,atUTtenyearsago.Inthechemicalengineeringdepartment.”
“Whatabouttheotherone?”
“Sul.StillatUT,butinchemistry.”Ipressedmylipstogether.“I’mnotthebestatreadinginterpersonaldynamics—”
“Understatement.Pleasecontinue.”
“—butIthinkthattheoriginalfriendnucleuswasMinami,Hark,andEli.Sulbecamepartofthegroupwhenhemarriedher.”
“Icanseethat.”
IwasgladTishathoughtso,becauseIwouldn’thavebetastringofuseddentalflossonmyownanalyticalskills.“TheydidoverlapwithFlorenceatUT.MinamigotherPhDfromCornellelevenyearsago,withadissertationonbiofuels,soshemusthavebeenapostdocthere.Hark’smentorwasDr.Rajapaksha.”
“Who?”
“Someguywhoretiredbeforeourtimes,eventhoughhewasstillyoung.AndIfoundanoldpageaboutEli.Itmisspelledhislastname—onlyonel—andthat’swhyittookmeawhile.HismentorwasalsoDr.Rajapaksha.AndinhisfirstyearEliwonsomekindofearly-careergrantforhiswork.Guesswhaton?”
Tisha’sforeheadwrinkledevenmore.“Please,tellmeit’snotbiofuels.”
Icouldn’tdothat,soIsaidnothing.
“Okay.”Tishablewoutsomeair.“CouldtheyhavebeenatUTwhenFlorencewas,andinvolvedinherareaofwork,andnothavecrossedpathswithher?Wouldthatbepossible?”
Iworriedmylowerlip.“Idon’tthinkthattherewereanyfacultyIwasn’tawareofbackingradschool.ButoneofmythesiscommitteememberscalledmeRheathroughoutmydefense,andIdoubthe’drecognizemeifwemetatthesupermarket.”
“Butwhatifyoulaunchedahostiletakeoverofhislemonadestand?”
“I…”That’swherethetangleofmythoughtsbecameunteasable.“Inthatcase,Icannotimaginethathewouldn’tatleastdosomeresearchonme.”Tishanodded,andIcontinued,“It’spossiblethatthat’sexactlywhatFlorencedid.Maybeshehadnomemoriesofthemuntilsheresearchedthem.”
“Andforgottoupdateus.”
“Ormaybeshesimplyhasn’thadthetimeorenergytolookthemup.”
“Onlyonewaytofindout.”
Inodded.“Myperformanceevaluationmeetingistomorrow.I’llaskthen.”
“Goodplan.Except,howareyougoingtobringupthefactthatyouweresharingamealwiththosepeople?”Iwinced.“Iguessyoucouldjusttellherthetruth.‘Florence,mymonthlydoseofshittyorgasmsiscurrentlybeingprovidedbyEliKillgore—nothingpersonal.’?”
Iglancedatthepepperplantonmywindowsill.
“Oh,wow.”Tishawhistled.“Notshitty,then.”
Notshitty.Morelikemagnificent,andnuclear,andprobablysexredefining.Atleastforme.
“What’shelike?”Tishaasked.“Eli,Imean.”Imassagedmytemples,tryingtostaveoffthemortification,andshequicklyfollowedupwith“It’snot—Rue,I’mnottryingtobeaccusatory.Ifdespitemyadviceandyourcommonsenseyou’restillseeingthisguy,I’llsupportyouthroughyourquestionablechoicesbecauseIloveyouandbecauseyou’vedonethesameforme.Theleastyoucandoissharethefilthydeets.”
“Right.He’sgood.Verygood.”It’sthewholedamnpoint,toseeyouloseit.“He’salittle…”
“What?”
“Bossy.”
Tisha’seyebrowsrose.“Inabadway?”
“No.”Iwasn’tsureIwasreadytogetintotheweedsofit,yet.NotthatTishawouldn’tcheermeintobuyingmyownsetofflogs.
“Okay.Whatelse?What’shelikeasaperson?”
“Idon’tknowhimasaperson.”
“You’vespentsometimewithhim.Youmusthavetalkedaboutsomething.Whatdidyoufindout?”
Nothing,Inearlysaid,butthewordwasswallowedbyanavalanche.Collegeathlete.Sister,friends,dog—theyalllovehim.Honest,butnevercruel.NotputoffbyhowawkwardIam,mysilences.Formerlyengaged.Maybedestinedfortragedy,justlikeme.Easytotalkto.Almostaproscientist.Wouldhavebeengoodatit,too.Hassomehorrificstories—almostashorrificasmine.Teasesme,butneverlikehe’slaughingatme.Kind.Funny.Thatundercurrentofuneasethatseemstopermeatemostofmysocialinteractions—it’sjustnottherewithhim.Greatcook.GreattocookwithEffortless.“ThatIdon’tdislikehim.”Notatall.
“Hmm.Heiscuteinthat‘IplayrugbyonSundays’kindofway.”
“Hockey.Heplayshockey.”
“Sure.He’salsoafinancebro.Didyoutalkaboutcryptocurrency?”
“No.Wetalkedabout…”Wetelleachotherthekindsofstoriesthatwecouldn’ttellanyoneelse,becausethey’dmakepeopleuncomfortable,orsad,orfeelliketheyneedtolaughpolitely,minimize,comfort.Wesharehorriblethingsthatwehavedone,thathavebeendonetous,andthenwaitandseeiftheotherisgoingtobesoappalledthatthey’llfinallyleave—butsomehowthatneverhappens.Wedon’tmakesmalltalk.Wecutthroughthefleshandshowthestoriesthatliveinourskeletons.“Cooking.Helikestocook.”
“Wow,that’sconvenient.”Tisha’seyesseemedtopiercethroughme.“And,justtoreiterate…thisisstilljustsex?”
Inoddedwithoutlettingmyselfthinkaboutittoohard,buttheremusthavebeensomethingintheair,becauseonMondaymorningIreceivedatextfromAlec.
Tonightwe’reclosingearlyformaintenanceoftheHVACsystem.Therinkwillbeempty,andMayaandEliKillgorewillcomeovertoskate.IfiguredI’daskifyouwantedtojoin.
Andincaseyou’rewondering:yes,DaveistryingtosetyouandEliup.Heseemedtobelieveyoutwohititoffwhenyouexchangedoneandahalfwordsatthefundraiser.Butdon’tworry,Eli’sagoodguy.He’llleaveyoualone.
Alechadbeensokindtome,itwasnexttoimpossibletobeannoyedathim,whichonlyleftroomforamusement.IwasheadingtoseeFlorence,soImadeamentalnotetodeclinelater.Spendingnon-nakedtimewithElididn’tseemwise.
“Hey,stranger.WhydoIfeellikeIhaven’tseenverymuchofyoulately?”
IsmiledandtookmycustomaryseatinFlorence’soffice,cross-leggedinmyfavoritechair.QuarterlyperformanceevaluationswereneversomethingforwhichIbotheredworkingupanxiety.Florencewassupportive,andIwasgoodatmyjob.
“Justbusyfinishinguptheprovisionalpatent.”
Florencetookoffherreadingglasses.“It’sinthelawyers’hands?”
“Yup.”
“Theymightbewaitingformyapprovalonthat—I’vebeenswamped,butI’llgetitdonetonight.”
“Perfect.”Iattemptedasmallsmile,andFlorencecockedherhead.
“Youlooktired.Iseverythingokay?”
“No.I’vebeensleepingpoorly.”
“Youdon’thavetostay,”Florencetoldmereassuringly.“Thesethingsarejustformalities.Gogetsomerest—youremainmybestemployee.Wantaraise?”
“Always.”
“I’lltalktoaccounting.”
Ichuckled,unfoldedmylegs,andmademyselfask,“TheHarknesssituation.Isitsolved?”
Myquestionseemedtosurpriseher.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Theinvestorstobuybacktheloan,didtheycomethrough?”
“Notyet.Close,though.”
“What’stheholdup?”
“Usualbureaucraticshit.”Sheshrugged.“Noneedtoworry.”
“Andthenthey’llbeoutofourhair?”
“Ihopeso.”
“Didyou…”Iswallowed.“DidyouknowthattheHarknessfoundersarechemicalengineers?AtUT.Gradstudentsinthedepartmentwhenyoustilltaughtthere.”
Florencewasbrieflymotionless.Thenshepickedupapen,clickedittwice,andputitdownagain.“Areyousure?”
Inodded.“Ilookedthemuponline.”Notfalse,butnotthewholetruth.IwishIcouldhavesaidthatEliwasforcingmetohidethingsfromFlorence,butIneededtotakeaccountability.Itwasmyowninabilitytostayawayfromhimthathadturnedmeintoaliar.“Isitpossiblethatyoucrossedpaths?Briefly,maybe?Theywereworkingonbiofuels,too.”
Morestillness.Anothershrug,stiffthistime.“No.Categorically,no.Iwouldrememberifwehad.”
Whyareyoudenyingthissovehemently?Whydoesitfeellikeyou’rehidingsomething?
“Rue,isthis…HasEliKillgorecontactedyou?Putstrangeideasinyourhead?”
Ishookmyhead.Who’shidingsomethingnow,Rue?
“Listen,Icantellthatyou’renervousaboutHarkness.AndIappreciatethatyouworryaboutme.Butthereisabsolutelynoneedtoresearchthesepeople.”Sheleanedcloser,soclosethathergreeneyesshone.Hercoldhandtookmine.“Iknowthatthiswholelegalbusinessisunsettling,andmaybeit’smakingyousecond-guessthingsyouknow.Butthetruthis,whenIwasatUT,Iworkedsohardonmytech,inoff-campuslabs,thatIbarelyshowedupinthedepartment.AndifI’vecrossedpathswithHarknessbefore…well,thatexplainswhythey’retargetingKlinesoaggressively.Maybethey’vebeenkeepingtheireyesonusalltheseyears,waitingtopounce.Butthemknowingmedoesn’tmeanthatIknewthem,andhonestly,they’redicks.Idon’tcaretoknowwherethey’refrom,orwhattheirstoryis.Ijustwantthemgonefrommylife.”
Itmadesense.Somuchsense,allmyquestionswereanswered.Somuchsense,Iturnedmypalmandsqueezedhers.“Igetit,”Isaid,feelingamillionpoundslighterthanwhenI’denteredthisoffice.“Andyou’reright.”
Florence’slipsstretchedintoareassuringsmile.“Stopworrying,okay?I’vegotitallundercontrol.”
Inodded.Stood,almostlightheadedfromrelief.Madeittothedoor.
“Rue,”Florencecalled.Ilookedatherfromovermyshoulder.“It’sgettinglongagain.”
“Whatis?”
Florencepointedtotheleftsideofherownhead.“Yourundercut.Mightbetimetotrimitagain.”
“Yeah.Ithinkyou’reright.”
“Wheredoestimego?”
Ihadnoanswer.SoIsmiledmygoodbyes,andwentbacktomyoffice,puttingthematteroutofmyhead—untilthatnight,whenIgotintomycarandheardaweirdsound.25
Doesitreallynotsoundlikeafantasticidea?Rue
ThevoicesofDave,Alec,andtheHVACmaintenanceguycamefromthehallwayontheright,soItookaleftturnandheadedforthehockeyrink.I’dexpectedtofindEli;Ididnotexpecthimtobealone.
MydayhadtakenashittyturnwhentherealestatelawyerrecommendedbyNyotatoldmethathewasn’ttakingonnewclients.Therink,though,soothedme.Itsmelledlikechildhood,andachingmuscles,andtheboredstaresofskaters’parentsduringSaturdaymorningpractice.Iwalkedtothebench,takinginthecirclesElidrewontheice,hisever-messyhair,thepocketsofsweatdarkeninghislong-sleevedgrayshirt.Theechoofthestickhittingthepuck.
Hewasinnowayunique.Mosthockeyplayersskatedthisway—forceful,rhythmicstrides,aseamlesscombinationofstrengthandgrace,swiftturnsandpowerfulstops.I’dneverbeenparticularlydrawntothem,butEliwasmynever-endingexception.Eyesonhim,Iwenttostandnexttoapairofbeat-upsneakersandwaitedforhimtonoticeme.Lessthanfiveminuteslaterheglidedtome—breathlabored,grinwide.
Itwasapunchinthestomach,howhappyhewastoseeme.HowhappyIwastoseehim.
“Alecinvitedme,”Isaidwhenhestoppedattheglassboards.
Hetookhisglovesoffandwipedhisbrowwithhisforearm.“I’msureDave’sdoodlingourweddinginvitationsonanHVACusermanual.”
Ismiled.Hisscentwasasfamiliartomeastheice’s,thewaytheyblendedconfusingtomysenses.“Hesaidyoursisterwouldbehere,too.”
Heshookhishead.“Homework.Orwhateverthehelltheycallitincollege.”
Inodded.Mademyselfgostraighttothepoint.“Youleftsomethinginmycar.”
Heexaminedmeforalongmoment.Cheeksredandcurlswild,cheststillrisingandfallingabeattooquickly—I’dneverwantedtotouchhimmorethaninthisverymoment.Andthenhislipscurved.“Hi,Rue.Nicetoseeyouonthislovelysummernight.”
Irockedonmyfeet.“Hi.Andlikewise.Youleft—”
“Yup,Iheardyouthefirsttime.”Heheldouthishandovertheguards,palmfacingupininvitation.“Comeskatewithme.”
What?“Idon’t…”
“Iknowyoucanskate,Rue.I’veseenyoudoitwithmyowntwoeyes.”
“When…?”Athoughtoccurredtome.“Youwatchedmyoldcompetitions.Online.”
Henodded.“Youweren’tkiddingabout‘PumpUptheJam.’?”
Iexhaledalaugh,wonderingifIshouldfeelstalked.Buthadn’tIresearchedhim,too?“No,Iwasn’t.Itoldyou,nosenseofhumor.”
“Sure.Comeonin.Let’sskatetogether.”Henoticedmyhesitation.“You’realreadyhere.It’llbefun.”
“Idon’thavemy—”
“There’saroomfulofequipmentoverthere.”Hepointedpastmyshoulders,andIactuallytriedtopictureit—thetwoofus,skatingtogether.Beingclose.Keepingtrackofeachotherontheice.Okay,Isaidinmyhead.YesLet’sdoit.Iwanttodoit.
Infact,Iwantedtodoitsobad,Ireallyshouldn’t.“Idon’tthinkit’sagoodidea,Eli.”
Hissmilefroze.“Itdoesn’thavetobeadate.Youalreadyturnedmedownforthat.Butthereisanemptyrink,andyoucanpirouettearoundtoyourheart’scontent.Orwhateveritisthatyoupeopledo.”
Hemadeitsoundsimple.Butskatingcouldbeso…intimate.Evenmorethansex.AndifEliandIweretogobeyondsex,thenmybetrayalofFlorencewouldruntoodeepforcomfort.Therehadtobesomelimits.Ihadtosetsomelimits.“Ididn’tcomehereforthat.”
Heexhaledaself-deprecatinglaughandskatedaway.Hegrabbedthepuck,cameback,andamomentlaterhewasonthebench,changingintohisshoes.
“Areyouleaving?”Iasked.
“Yup.”Sweatbeadstrickleddownhistemple.He’dclearlybeenatitforawhile.“Soyoucanskateonyourown.”
“Butthat’snotwhyIcame.”
“Right.True.Weonlymeetfortworeasons—tofuck,andtoreturnthingsthatweleaveineachother’scars.”Heflashedmeasmile,andhisfacewassounbearablyfamiliarandattractive,andIhadtostopmyselffromreachingout.“WhatdidIforget?”
IdugintomypocketsandheldoutthekeysI’dfoundundermyseat.Hestaredatthemwithafrown,thensaid,“They’renotmine.”
Ifrowned,too.“Theyhavetobe.”
“Andyet.”Hewentbacktohisshoes.“Whoelsehasbeeninyourcar?”
Tisha.ButIknewwhatherkeyslookedlike.
“Sorryyoumadethetripfornothing,”hesaid.“I’dlovetobelievethatyouplantedthekeysasanexcusetoseeme—”
“Ididn’t—”
“—butthatwouldbetoomuchwishfulthinking,evenforme.Sureyoudon’twanttoskate?”
Inodded.Myeyeslingeredashetiedhisshoelaces.“Doyoualwaystrainalone?”
“Thisisnotreallytraining.Justplayingaroundabit.”Hestood,hoistingthelacesofhisskatesoverhisshoulder.“Idon’tlikecrowds,that’sall.Whentherinkisavailable,Itakeadvantage.”
“Dononeofyourfriendsskate?”
“Someofmyformerteammateshavegonepro.Noneinthearea—Austin’snohockeyhotspot.”
“WhatabouttheHarknesspeople?”
“Hark,yes,decently.ItookMinamionce,andshespentonehouronherbutt.Suldidn’tevenputonskates.”Hesmiledliketheywerebelovedmemories,andbeganheadingout.Ihurriedbehindhim,feelinglikeanuglyducklingtryingtocatchupwithanuninterestedswan.
“What’sthestorythere?”Iasked,unwillingtolettheconversationend.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“HarkandMinami,they’reweirdwitheachother.”
“Goodcatch.”
“Obvious,ifIpickeduponit.”
Hegavemeafondlook,likemyodditiesweresomethinghetreasured.“Justyourrun-of-the-milllovetriangle.”
“LikeinTheHungerGames?”
Hehalted.“YoureadTheHungerGames?”
“Tishawantedmeto,butI’mnotreallythefictiontype.”Made-upstoriesconfusedme.Ipreferreddwellinginfacts.“Iwatchedthemovie,though.Ienjoyedit.”
“Lookatyou.”Heresumedwalking,delighted.“HarkandMinamidatedforacoupleofyears.Shebrokeitoff.Harknevergotoverit.ShemarriedSul.”
“Fascinating.”
“Isit?”Hegavemeapainedlook.
“NotasmuchasTheHungerGames,butyes.Sulseems…quiet.”
“Hetalksevenlessthanyoudo.”
“Italk.”
“Hmm.Sure.Thenmydamnsisterdevelopedaveryage-inappropriatecrushonHark,andthetrianglebecameasquare.Imightjusthateallofthem.”
“Youareclearlytherealvictimofthesituation.”
“Sogladthatcameacross.”
“AreMayaandHark…?”
“No.God,no.”
“Well,asfarasyouknow,”Iadded,justtoannoyhim.Hisglarehadmelaughing.“I’vedefinitelyhadsexwithguystenorfifteenyearsmysenior.Andlookhowwell-adjustedIturnedout.”
Hesnortedatmydeadpandelivery.Iwasamess.Heknewit.Ididn’tmind.“AsmuchasIwishallthiswellnessformysister…notwithHark.”Hegavemeanotherhalf-heartedglare.“WhataboutyouandTisha?”
“Whataboutus?”
“Isitjustthetwoofyou?”
Forme,yes.I’dhadtwocollegeroommates,who’dnotbeenfansofmy“stuck-up,superior,bitchyairs”inthefirstsemester,buthadslowlyrealizedthatIwasjuststumpedbysocialsituations.They’dtakenmeundertheirwing,broughtmetoparties,cometocheerformeatskatingcompetitions.Wewerestillintouch,butlifewasbusy,andtheybothhadfamilies.“Tishahasseveralotherfriends,whomsheconstantlyintroducesmeto.”Ishrugged.“Mostpeopledon’tlikemeverymuch.”
Westeppedoutside,intotheoppressiveheatofthedimlylit,desertedparkinglot.Ourcarswerethefarthestfromtheentrance—andtheclosesttoeachother
“I’mnotsurprised,”Elisaid.
Myeyebrowrose.“You’renotsurprisedthatpeopledon’tlikeme?”
“Younevertrytobeanythingbutwhatyouare.”Westoppedbyhisvehicle.“Ithinkpeoplearepuzzled,andintimidated,andgenerallyunsureofwhattodowithyou.”
“Youarenotunsure.”
“No.Thenagain,Ilikeyouverymuch.”Anotherblindinggrinthathadmyheartsomersaulting.Thenhisexpressionsobered,foldingintosomethingthatlookedlikesorrow.“You’reawildride,Rue.I’venevermetanyonelikeyou,andneverwillagain.”
Somethingswelledatthebaseofmythroat.“That’sokay.You’llmeetplentyofbetterpeople.”
“WillI?”HisAdam’sapplerolled.Heopenedthebackseatandthrewinhisequipment.Whenheturnedbacktome,hiscockysmilehadreappeared.“Haveagreatrestofyournight.Likeyousaid,you’renotheretohangout,andthisisnotadate.Thekeysarenotmine,sounlessyouwantmetofuckyouinmycar,I’llseeyou—”
“Yes,”Isaid.
Veryquickly.
Itwasnotpremeditated.Thepossibilityhadn’tevenoccurredtome.Butnowthatitwasonthetable,Iwasn’tgoingtobeembarrassedathoweagerIsounded
Ijustwasn’treadytosaygoodbye.
Elilookedsurprised.Andincredulous.Andangry.Andamused.Andoncehe’dcycledthroughanotherhandfulofemotions,hesaid,“Partofmewantstofeeloffended.Thatyouwon’tskatewithmeforfiveminutes,butareokaywithbeingfuckedinthemiddleofaparkinglot.”
“Andtheotherpart?”
Eyesfixedonmine,heopenedthepassengerdoor.“Getinside.”
I’ddoneitafewtimesincollege—sexincars,fratbathrooms,onceinalockerroom.Stupid,whendiscoverywasalwayspossible,andI’dgrowntiredofitearlyon,becausenothingfeltgoodenoughtooffsettheanxietyofbeingcaught
ButElididfeelgoodenough.Eliwasdraggingmeoverthecenterconsole,arrangingmetokneelonhislap,andtheonlythingsstandingbetweenusandsomethingveryembarrassingwereairanddarkness.
Foolishandirresponsible.Butasalways,thingswentfromzerotoincendiary,andstoppingseemedimpossible.“Didyouwearthesesoftpantsbecauseyouwantedtogetfucked?”heaskedwhenhishandsslidintomyleggings.
“Iworethembecausethey’recomfortable—oh.”Histhumbfoundmyclit.
“Sensible.Pragmatic.”Thetipofhisfingerproddedagainstmyentrance.“That’smytype,apparently.Maybeonceyou’reoutofmylifeI’lljustjerkofftobudgetingplans.”
Hewasstillsweaty,andmaybeIshouldhavefounditgross,buthesmelleddivine,andIlickedthesaltoffaspotatthebaseofhisneck.Andthatwasit,becausebynowheknewme.Mybody,mysounds,mypleasure.Itwastheonlypossibleexplanation,theonlyreasonIwasconvulsinginhisarmsinlessthanfiveminutes,whileEliexhaledsoftlaughsagainstmymouthandwhisperedfilthylittlethingsintomyear,feelingmybodyclutchinghotlyaroundhisfingers.“You’rereallygood,aren’tyou?You’refuckingperfect.”
Itwasn’taquestion,butInodded.“Doyouhaveacondom?”
Hebitmyjaw.“Wedon’thaveto—”
“Iwantto.Ilikedit.”I’dbeenthinkingaboutwhathadhappenedinhisbedfortwodays.Atwork.Atnight.Ateveryhour.“Ilikedhowmuchyoulikedit,”Iadded.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“YoulikedthatIwasn’tevenabletoputitinyoubeforeIcame?”
Inodded.Hisfingerswerestillinsideme,andIclenchedaroundthem.
“YoulikethatIfeellikeateenaroundyou,don’tyou?”
Inoddedagain,eager.Hegroaned.“Well,sadlyIdon’thaveacondom,so—”Hefroze.“Hangon.Maybeintheglovecompartment,fromlastyear.”
Iwastheonewhochecked,theonewhofoundit,theonewhoeagerlyunbuttonedEli’spantswhilehetoreitopenwithhisteeth.HeangledmesothatIwouldn’tgetbangedupagainstthesteeringwheel,andgatheredmyassinhishandsinthedirtiestofways,andthenhewaspressingupward.Inside.
Ibracedmyself.Hewasbig,andhard,buthepushedingently,withshallow,relentlessstrokes.“Youokay?”
Itookadeepbreath.Nodded.
“Verygood.”Henuzzledagainstmycheek.“Taketherest,then.”
Heusedhispalmtospreadmythighsapart,asthoughwecouldneverbecloseenough.Whenhispelviscameintofullcontactwithmine,andhiscockslidasdeepasIcouldtakehim,righttothehilt,Iletoutalow,gutturalgroan.“Fuck,yeah.Youreallyareanamazingfuck,aren’tyou?”
Isighed,tryingtoadjust.
“Putyourarmsaroundmyshoulders.”Hekissedmymouth,andIrealizedthatwehadn’tdonethatyet.Hewasfullyinsidemewhenhislipsfirstfoundmine,andgod,itfeltgood.“Whenyousaidyouweren’tintothis,Ihadtheselofty,deludeddreamsofshowingyouthepleasureofaslow,thoroughfuck.Inabed,possibly.ButIhighlydoubtit’sgoingtohappenanytimesoon,andI’mnotevensureIcareanymore…”
Ilikedthis:hisbigbodymovinginmine,thestretchofhim,thewayherockedintome.IlikedthatheseemedtobelessincontrolthanIwas,thepowerofit.Ifundamentallytrustedhimnottohurtme,andheseemedtotrustmejustasmuch.Hisundoingwaselectrifying,andneverfrightening.
I’djustcome,andstillfelttheechoesofthatpleasurereverberatingthroughme,fueledbythewayEliseemedutterlylost.Alotofmenhadcomplimentedmybreasts,ass,face,andI’dwelcomedtheideaofbeingjustabody.I’dpurposefullysoughtoutpartnerswho’dbewillingtoseemeaslittleasIwantedtobeseen.ButIlovedthewayElilookedatmelikeIwassomethingspecial,somethingmore.LikeIcouldeasilyexhausttheentirespectrumofhisneeds.Likehecouldn’timaginelookinganywhereelse,ever.
“Iknowyoudon’tliketo—butif—”Hewasn’tfullycoherent,butIunderstoodwhenhishandslidbetweenusandhisthumbbegantodescribenice,slowcirclesonmyclit.“Thegoodnews,foryou,”hesaidhoarsely,“isthatI’munreasonablyfuckingcrazyaboutyou,andthisisn’tgoingtolasttoolong.”Hisruefultonemademeloopmyarmsmoretightlyaroundhisneck.
“Don’thurryonmybehalf,”Isaid.Itwasn’tpainful,orboring.Thehotpressurewaspleasant,aswashistightgriponmyhipsashiscockpushedinandoutofme.Thewayhisthrustswouldbecomechoppyanderraticbeforehe’drememberhimselfandsuddenlystop,asiftodrawouttheexperience.Notinanattempttogetmeoff,butforhimself.Andtheknowledgeofhowmuchhewasenjoyingthis,withthedraggingmovementofhisthumb,hadwarmthspreadinginsideme,anewkindoftensionbuildingup,and—
Elibitintomyshoulder,anditwasover.Hismovementsstutteredinsidemeafewtimeswhileheslurredintomythroatalitanyofpraisethatrangedfromsweettoincrediblydirty.“Fuckingunbelievable,”heraspedattheend,hislaughterabreathlesspuffagainstmycheek.
Ifeltatingeofdisappointment.Ithadbeengood,verygood,anditfelttoosoonforittobeover—
“Rue,I’mgoingtotellyousomethingyoudon’twanttohear,”Elisaid.Histhumbresumeditsmovementsonmyclit.Ashiverofpleasureroseupmyspine.“Itwasalwaysgoingtoendthisway.”Hiscockwassofteninginsideme,apleasantstretchthatwaslittlemorethanacounterpointtothestrummingofhisfingers.“Evenifwehadn’tmatchedonthatdamnapp,we’dhavemetinthisrink,oratKline,orwalkingdownthestreet.AndI’dhaveseenyou,talkedwithyouforaboutfiveminutes,andyouwouldhavelookedatmeallseriousandcuriousanduncompromising,andIwouldhaveknownthatIneededtodothiswithyoumorethananythingelseinthewholedamnworld.”
Myorgasmcamefastandbeautifully.Eli’shandsroamedgreedilyallovermeashepressedsoftkissestothebaseofmythroat.Andthen,afterawhile,hesaid,“Iwanttodriveyouhome.”
Iwasboneless,stilltryingtogetmybraintorestart.“Mycarishere.”
“I’llpickyouuptomorrowmorninganddriveyoubackhere.”Heleanedback.Hisexpressionwasearnest.AtleastIthoughtso—myeyeswerewatery,likeI’dbeencrying.ExceptInevercried.Maybemyeyeballsweresweating.SummerinTexas,nottooimprobable.“Letmemakeyoudinner.”Hetracedmymouthwithhisthumb.
“Thatwouldbenice,”Isaid.
“Cometomyplace.Letmetakecareofyou.Letmeteachyouhowtopetdogs.Exposuretherapy,sweetheart.”
Iletoutasmalllaugh,butIwasscared.Thathewasasking.ThatIwantedtosayyes.“Idon’tknowifit’sagoodidea.”
“Really?”Hekissedmycheek,open-mouthed.“Youmovingin.You,quittingyourjobsowecandothistwentytimesaday.Me,retiringtoserviceyoufull-time.Us,fuckingaroundfortherestofourlives.Doesitreallynotsoundlikeafantasticidea?”
Myheartjolted.Yes,itsaid.Yes.Ijustwantedtobewithhim.Wasitsobad?Florencedidn’thavetoknow.Noonedid.Justthetwoofus.
“Don’tsayno,Rue,”hemurmured.Alow,heartfeltappeal.“Don’tdothistous.”
Ididn’tletmyselfthinkaboutit.“Okay.”
Hissmilecouldhavepoweredtheentirecity.“Okay.”
“Okay,”Irepeated,andwewerebothlaughingsilentlyineachother’smouths,andthenkissing,andIthoughtthatmaybe,ifperfectmomentsexisted,thiscouldbeoneofthem.
Idisengagedfromhim,hikedovertheconsole,fumbledmyleggingsbackupmyhips.Iletoutsomethingthatsoundeddisturbinglylikeagiggle,butmybodywasstillbuzzing,thankingmeforthebesttwentyminutesofitslife.AndEliwasstilllookingatmelikeIcontainedtheentireuniverse.
Ileanedagainsttheheadrestwhilehecleanedhimselfup,andthenbeganputtingbackallthepapersthathadfallenoutoftheglovecompartment.“I’msorry,”Isaid.“Nexttimeyouhavetoshowyourregistrationyou’regoingtohavearealhardtime…”
Istoppedwhenmyeyesfellonafamiliarname.
Kline.
Itwasanoddlyformattedstackofpapers,coveredinplastic.Elimutteredsomethingabouttossingthecondomandfoldedoutofthecar,butIkeptonreading.
Rule202proceedingsinaidofinvestigationofclaimsagainstKlineInc.
OraldepositionofFlorenceCarolinaKline.
Iturnedthepage.Appearances,thenewheaderread.ForHarknessLP,EliKillgoreIturnedanother,andanother,andthenmore,untilthetextresembledsomethinglikeamoviescript.AlistofQsandAs.
Q.Verywell.And,Dr.Kline,whendidyoufirstmeetthefoundersofHarkness?
A.Idon’tseewhythismatters.
Q.Couldyoupleaseansweranyway?
A.I’mnotsureIremember.Iprobablymetthemallatdifferenttimes,anyway.
Q.Asfarasyoucanrecall?
A.IguessIfirstmetDr.Okawhensheinterviewedtobecomeapostdocinmylab,abouttwelveyearsago.Itwouldhavebeenaphonecall,becauseatthetimeshelivedinIthaca,andthenwemetinpersonwhenshemovedtoworkwithme.IbelieveImetConorHarknessaroundthesametime,whenheenrolledinthePhDprogramatUT.
Q.YoutaughtatUTatthetime?
A.Correct.
Q.AndEliKillgore?
A.Hewasthelasttoarrive,soImusthavemethim…
Q.Aboutayearlater?
A.Yes,thatsoundscorrect.
Q.Isitcorrecttosaythatyouservedasamentortoallthreeofthem?
A.Yes,itis.
“Rue?”
Ilookedupfromthefile.Eliwasbackinsidethecar.
“Whatisthis?”Iaskedhim.
Hiseyesfellonthepapersinmyhands.Onthepagetowhichtheywereopen.“Fuck,Rue.”
“Itwasinyourglovecompartment.”
“Shit.”Hesighedandranahanddownhisface.“Shit.”
“Eli,whatisthis?”
“It’sadeposition.”
“WhenwasFlorencedeposed?”Iasked—thenrealizedIcouldfindoutonmyown.Icheckedthedateonthefrontpageandgasped.Abouttwoweeksago.“Journalclub.ThedayyouwereatKline,andI…”Ishookmyhead,incapableofmakingsenseofanything.“Who—whogaveyoutherighttodeposeher?”
Hemassagedhiseyes.“Statecourt.Therewereirregularitiesinthedocumentssheturnedover,andweaskedforanoral—”
“Itsaysherethatsheknewyou,before.Tenyearsago.Isittrue?”
Hehesitated.“Rue.”Histonewasgentle.“It’salegaldeposition.Shewasunderoath.”
“Butshetoldme…”Ishookmyhead,feelingasthoughtheplanetwerespinningtoofastforme.“Todayshetoldmethat…”
Eli’sexpressionsoftened.Pity,Ithought.That’swhatitwas.“Let’sdiscussthisathome.Ididn’twantyoutofindoutthisway.Thisisaverycomplicated—”
“No.No,I—Florenceliedtome.”Myeyesburned,andmychestwasonfire.“Andyou—whydidn’tyou…Whydidnoone…”Ishookmyheadandopenedthedoorofthecar.
Eli’shandclosedaroundmywrist.“Rue,wait—”
“No.I—no.”Ifreedmyhandandwipedmycheek.Mypalmwasfullydry.“Idon’twantto—I’msickofthis.Donotfollowme,orIsweartogod—”
“Rue,letme—”
Igotoutofthecarandletmyfuryswallowme.26
Takestockofyourshitty,solitarylifeRue
OnTuesdaymorningIcalledin,sayingthatIdidn’tfeelwellandI’dworkfromhome.
Tishatextedmeat9:00a.m.(Youokay?Also,didIloseDiego’shousekeysinyourcar?)andIreplied,Yes,andyes.
Florencetextedmeatnoon(Hopeyoufeelbettersoon),andIdidnotreplyatall.
Shewasmyfriend,andIwasn’tgoingtowriteheroffforlyingtome.Afterall,Iwasaliar,too.I’dliedtoFlorenceaboutEliforweeks,evenaftershe’dgivenmemultipleopportunitiestocomeclean,andI’dfeltlikeshiteverytime.I’dhadmyreasons,anditwasentirelypossiblethatFlorencehadhers.
ButIneededtounderstandwhatexactlyshe’dliedabout.AnditwasobviousthatbothsheandElihadwithheldthetruthfromme,andthatneitherofthemcouldbetrustedonthismatter.Itleftmewithlimitedoptions.
IdecidednottobringTishaintothisuntilIhadacompletepicture,whichmeantthatitwouldhavetoliveexclusivelyinmyheadforawhile.Ihadbreakfast,lunch,anddinner.Wrotewhatfeltlikethousandsofworkemails.Workedonmypatent’spaperwork.Noticedthatsomeofmyseedlingshadgerminated,andtransplantedthemintothehydroponicsystem,takingcaretosubmergethefragilerootswithnutrients.
Then,around7:00p.m.,therewasaknockatthedoor.Thesuper,Ithought,checkingonmyACventslikeI’dasked.Butalast-minuteinstinctproddedmetolookthroughthepeephole.
Mybrotherwaspacingoutsidemydoor,astackofpapersrolledupinhishand.
Iclosedmyeyes,tookadeepbreath,andsteppedbackasquietlyaspossible,readytopretendnottobehome.
“Goddammit,Rue,openthedoor.Iknowyou’reinthere.”
Icoveredmymouthandsankintoachair.
Itwasokay.Thesecuritychainwason.Hewasgoingtoleavesoon.
“Yournewdoormantoldmeyou’rehome.”
Shit.Anewdoorman.HadIknownabouthim?No.Irememberednonotices.
“Wecanmakethisaseasyorashardasyouwant,Rue,butIamgoingtobehereuntilyouagreetodothis.”
Ipushedtheheelsofmyhandsintomyeyes,determinedtostayquiet.ButwhenVincespokeagain,histonewasmuchsofter.SuddenlyIwastenagain,andhewasseven.Wehadn’tseenMomindays.He’dbeencryingforhours,andallIwantedwastomakehimfeelbetter.
“Rue,please.YouknowIloveyouandIdon’twanttobedoingthis.Butyou’rebeingunreasonable.Themoneyfromthissalewouldbelife-changingforme.TheIndianaRealtorcalledyesterday—theyhaveabuyerwho’lltakethecabinasis,incash.IgetitthatyouwanttoknowmoreaboutDad,buthowdoesthatcomebeforemyfinancialsecurity?Youhaveyourfancyjob,butIdidn’tgettogotocollege.Ididn’tgettonsofthings.”
Iwasn’tsofthearted,buttheleasthardenedspotinmyheartbelongedtomybrother.Ithadtakenmeyearsandlotsoftherapytostopmyselffrombailinghimouteverytimeheputhimselfinsomeshittysituation.Iwasn’tgoingtostartagain,butthefeelingthatIowedhimanexplanationremained.
SoIsaidthroughthedoor,“I’vebeenlookingforalawyerwhocanhelpusfigurethisout.Idon’twanttoleaveyouinthelurch.Myplanistobuyyourhalf,butwe’llneedtoworkout—”
“Iknewyouwereinthere.”Vince’svoiceharshened.“Openup!”
“No.”Itookastepbackfromthedoorandtriedtosoundstern.“I’mnotgoingtoletyouinmyapartmentwhenyouarebeingaggressive—”
“I’llfuckinggiveyouaggressive—”Thedoorshookwithinitsframe.Ileapedback.
Whatthehell—?
Anotherheavythud.Vincewaskickingmydoor.
“Vince.”Myheartpounded.“Youneedtostop.”
“Notuntilyouletmein.”Hepunctuatedthewordswithanotherheavyblow.
Fuck.
Itookadeepbreath,tryingtogetmybearings.Mydoorwassturdy,andhewasunlikelytogetin.Butitwasn’tmethatIworriedabout:ifhecontinued,oneoftheneighborswouldcallthepolice.Ishouldcallthepolice,butasfuckedupasitsounded,Iwasnevergoingtodoit.VincehadoncestolenaboxofOreosfromH-E-Bjustformybirthday,backwhenhewasbarelyabletoreadandwrite.Ithadbeenthesweetestthinganyonehadeverdoneforme.
Nopolice.NoTisha,whodespisedVinceandwouldprobablyshowupwithakitchenknifeandstabhim.Nootheroptions.
Areal“takestockofyourshitty,solitarylife”kindofmoment.
Thedoorgroanedunderanotherblow.Adropofsweatrandownmyspineasmyalternativesnarrowed,thenshranktoasingleone.
Myphonewasonthecouch.Ipickeditupandtappedonanunsavednumber.Waitedtwo,threerings.Andwhenthepersonontheothersideofthelinepickedup,Ididn’twaitforthemtotalkbeforewhispering,“I’msorrytodothis,butIreallyneedyourhelp.”27
Believeme,I’vetriedEli
Thescenewasn’tasbleakashe’dexpected.
Vincent,wholookedassullenasthelasttimethey’dmet,wastakingarestfromhisbreakingandenteringeffortsandsatonthehallwayfloor,headtippedbackagainstthewall.Whenheheardfootstepsagainstthelinoleum,heglancedlazilyinEli’sdirection,thendidadoubletake.
Elihadbeenreadytogonutsonhim,buttheberserkerragehe’dfeltduringRue’scallextinguishedalmostinstantly.Whatasad,miserableassholeherbrotherwas.Notevenworthacoupleofeducationalslaps.
“Gohome,”Eliordered,bored.Ruewasn’tgoingtoopenherdooruntilVinceleft,whichmeantthathestoodbetweenEliandwhereEliwantedtobe.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Iwasinvited.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Areyouseeingmysister?”
“Yes.”Notevenalie.He’dseenRueseveraltimes.Hadfullyexpectednottoseeherforawhileafterlastnight,butnow,thankstoherassholebrother,hewasabouttoseeheragain.“Youneedtodropthis.Youknowthat,right?”VincewasRue’sbrother,andEliwasgoingtokeephisowntemperincheckoutofrespectforher.Buthehadhislimits,whichwaswhyhesteppedcloserandloweredhisvoice.“Youcan’tactthiswayaroundher,okay?Becauseshe’sgoingtogetsad.Andifshegetssad,thenI’mgoingtogetmad.Andtherewillbeconsequences.”
Vincescrambledtohisfeet.PerfectpunchingheightforEli,butonceagain—notwhatRuewanted.“Ifyoudon’tstopinterfering—”
“Here’sthedeal.”Hedroppedhisvoicefurther,anglinghisbacksothatifRuewaswatching,shewouldn’tbeabletoreadhislips.“Yoursisterobviouslycaresaboutyou.Shecalledmeherebecauseliterallyanyoneelse,fromthedoormantoherneighborstothefuckingmailman,wouldnothesitatetocalltheauthorities.Buthere’swhatshedoesn’tknow.”Heleanedforward.“Ihaveanentireteamoflawyersatmydisposalwhocanmakeyourlifevery,veryhard.WhichmeansthatIcanruinyouwithoutgettingyouarrestedorbeatingyoutoapulp.Iwouldn’tevenneedtomakehersad.”Hestraightened,pleasedatthenarrowinginVincent’seyes.
“Ijustwanttotalktoher,”hebitout.
“Thenscheduleafuckingmeeting.”
“Wehaveabuyerrightnow.She’sbeingselfish.”
“Good.Sheshouldputherselffirst.Now,willyougetthefuckoutofthisbuilding,ordoIhavetomakeacoupleofcalls?”HetookhisphoneoutofhisjeansanddangledituntilVincentshookhisheadandstalkedaway,stoppingtokickthebanisteronthelandinglikethechildishfoolhesoclearlywas.Oncehewasgoneforgood,Eliknockedsoftly.
“It’sme.”
Afewbeatsandthedooropened.Ruestoodinthemiddle,halfintheshadows,lookinglikeapaler,lesssubstantialversionofherself.Shedidn’tquitemeethiseyes,andEliwastemptedtomakeadetourfortheparkinglottoroughVincentup.
“Iwasn’tsurewhotocall—”
“Noneedtoexplain.CanIcomein?”
Hereyeswidened,likethethoughthadn’toccurredtoher.“Youdon’thavetostay.”
“Iknow.”
Shetensed.“Ididn’tcallyouherebecause…Idon’tthinkthatjustbecausewehadsexyoushouldbeatmy—”
“Iam,though.Atyourdisposal.”Hesmiledather,smallbutreassuring.Ifsheneededtotellherselfthatthiswasjustfucking,shewaswelcometodoso.Herefusedtoplaythegameanylonger.I’mnotgoingtofollowtherules,Rue.I’mnotgoingtobehave.I’mnotgoingtopretendthisisenough.“I’llstayfortwentyminutes,justincaseVincent’swaitingformetodriveoff.”
Herheadbentlow,andtherewasaslighttremortothehandsshestuffedinherpants.Butitwasn’tuntiltheyenteredthelivingroomthathecouldfullyseeherexpression.Ever-armoredRueSiebertlookedforlorn,andtenyearsyounger,andahundredtimesmorefragile.Thesightofhowmuchshehurthithimwithviolence.Hewrappedhishandaroundherforearm,pulledhercloser,anditwasmoreforhimselfthanforher.“Hey.It’sokay.”
They’dhuggeddozensoftimesbynow,alwayswithintheconstraintsofsex.Thisembracewasdifferent:Ithadnodirectionandexistedonlytoprovidecomfort.Itwaswarmandevisceratinganddangerous.Moreforbiddenthananythingthey’ddonesofar.
Andthenhefeltit:thesmallshiversrunningthroughherback,herforeheadpressingbetweenhispecs,achokedsoundsheswallowed.Shewascrying.
Eli’sheartsank.
“It’sokay,baby.”Hekissedthecrownofherhairandheldherastightandaslongassheallowed.“It’llbeokay.”Minuteslater,whensheslidtwohandsonhischestandpushedhimaway,hehadtoclenchhisfiststoavoiddrawingherbackintohisarms.AndthatwaswhenhisvisionbroadenedfromitsRue-inducedtunnelandshiftedtohissurroundings.
Theapartmentwasmagnificent.Or,whatshe’ddonewithit.Theplacewasn’tlarge,andthelayoutwasnothingspecial,butRuehadn’tliedabouthavingplants.Infact,theentireroomwaslush,everysurfacecoveredingreen.Cacti,flowers,afewornamentalpots.ButRue’sfavoritecultivationmethodwasclearlyhydroponics.Thereweretowers,andshelves,andacoupleofkitsshemayhavebuiltonherown.Mostofwhatshegrewwasproduce:Elispottedbasil,tomatoes,minicucumbers,peppers,lettuce,andthatwasjustatfirstglance.
Herhousewasabeautiful,honest-to-godgarden.
Hepuffedoutalaugh,thinkingabouttheraisedbedhe’dboughttwoyearsagotogrowherbsforthekitchen,theonehe’dnevergottenaroundtoputtingtogether.Infact,itwasstillpackedinthegarage.Hadbeenthereforsolong,Mayahadgivenitaname.
FuckingHerbert.
HeglancedbackatRue,wantingtosaysomething,butitwasn’ttherighttimetocomplimentheragriculturalskills.She’dwalkedtothecouchandcollapsedherselfinfrontofit,onthefloor,backpressedagainstthecushions,kneestoherchin.Likeherbrother,inthehallwayearlier.
Elisighedandsatnexttoher,allowinghisarmtobrushagainsthers.
“Idon’tusuallycry,”shesaid,wipinghereyeswiththebackofherhand.
“Ifigured.”
“How?”
“Justahunch.”Shehadn’tcriedlastnight,andthatfuckingdepositionhadgivenherplentyofreason.“Yourgeneralvibe,asMayawouldsay.”
Shesmiledthroughhersniffles.“It’sbecausehe’smybrother.”
“Iknow.”
“He’syounger.MybrainiswiredtoconstantlyfeelthatIhavetotakecareofhim.”
“Iknow.”
“He’sbeingatotalasshole.I’mbeingacompletepushover.Thiscouldescalatetoareallydangerouslevel.Ineedtofigureoutasolutiontothis.It’sjust…”
“Believeme,Iknow.”
Hissinceritymadeherfinallylookupfromherknees.“It’sembarrassing,”sheadmitted.
“Whatis?”
“Maya’s…great.Thefirstnightwemet,yousaidyoutwousedtonotgetalong,butclearlyyouworkedthroughyourissues.Meanwhile,I’dgetarestrainingorderformybrotherifIweren’tafuckingwimp.”
Henodded.“Mayaisgreat,andwenowhaveagoodrelationshipthatIwouldn’tchangeforanything.But…”Heswallowed.“Wantastory?”
“Depends.Isitterrible?”
Hislaughwaslow.“It’sthemostterribleofallofthem,Rue.”Itwasn’tanexaggeration.Hernodwassolemn.
“Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.Howabout—Mayaisgreatnow,butwhenshewasfifteen,sheslashedthetiresofmycarbecauseItoldhershecouldn’tgotoamidnightscreeningofsomeshittyhorrormovieonaschoolnight.”Hewincedatthememory.“AndwhenIgroundedhertopunishher,sheslashedthenewset,too.”
Rue’seyeswidened.Andthendeviatedfromtheirroutine:sheaskedaquestion.“Whogaveyoutherighttotellyoursisterwhatshecouldandcouldn’tdo?”
“Areyousidingwithher?”
“No.”Shesniffled.“Maybe?”
Hechuckled.“Igotcustodyofherwhenshewaseleven.Thecourtgavemetheright.Literally.”
“Andyourparents?”
“Theydiedoneyearapartfromeachother.Unrelated.Mymomfirst,acuteleukemia.ThenDad—caraccident.”
“Howoldwereyou?”
“Twenty-five.”
“Andyouwereheronlyremainingrelative?”
“Therearesomescatteredunclesandsecondcousins,butnonehereinAustin,andnonesheknewwell.Iwasanadultandherbrother.Therewasnoquestioninanyone’smindthatIshouldbetheonetakingcareofher—noteveninmine.”
“Ifsomeoneaskedmetotakecareofaneleven-year-old,Iwouldn’tknowwheretostart,”shemused.
“Samehere.MayawasatoddlerwhenImovedoutforcollege.Ididn’tgetalongwithmyparents,soIrarelywentbackhomeandhardlysawher.”
“Isthatwhythelastthingyoutoldyourmom…?”
“Aboutbeingashittymother?”Hesighed.“Mydadwasthekindofdisciplinarianwho’dgroundyoufordaysforaperceivedeyeroll,andIwas…ashithead.Hisapproachdidnotworkforme.Constantfights,ultimatums,threats—themtryingtogetmetobelesswild.Mebeingevermorewild,outofspite.Allthatteenageshit.Andmymom,shedeferredtohimineverything,so.”Heshrugged.“IfIcouldtalktothemnow,adulttoadult,maybewe’dgetoverthatstuff.ButImovedtoMinnesotatoplayhockey.Tookallsortsofpart-timejobs.I’dgobackhomeonceayearforacoupleofdays,tops.Thengradschoolstarted,andyouknowhowbusyitgets.Iwasinthesamecityasmyfamily.Icouldhavevisitedmore,buthomewasaplacewhereI’dbeenmiserableforthree-quartersofmylife,andtherewassomuchbaggageonbothourends.ThelasttimeIsawmymomwasonmybirthday.Theyinvitedmeoverfordinner.Theconversationdevolvedintotheusualrecriminations.Afewweekslatermymotherdied.”He’dhadadecadetoworkthroughthekinksoftheseregrets,andtheywerestilltangledinhishead.Alwayswouldbe.Asitwas,hecouldn’tstandhisfuckingbirthday.“Thenmydad,fourteenmonthslater.AndIwasmysister’sguardian.”
Rue’seyesheldneitherpitynorcondemnation.“WasMaya…”Sheshookherhead.“Wereyouokay?”
Hadanyoneeveraskedhimthatbefore?Everyone’sfocushadbeenonMaya,rightfullyso.Eli’sheartthudded,andhecovereditwithalaugh.“Iwasdefinitelynotokay.Iwasfreakingthefuckout.Ididn’tknowMayaatall.Ihadnomoney,I’djustbeenkickedoutofmydoctoralprogram,andmyparents’mortgagestillneededtobepaid.AndMaya…initially,shewasjustmourning.Later,thegriefturnedintoanger,andshehadtotakeitoutonsomeone.Thetwoavailableoptionsweremeandherself,andshesparedneither.”Heswallowed.“Idon’tthinkshewoulddenythatshewaskindofanasshole.Thenagain,Iwasseverelyunderqualified.”
Ruelaughed,bubblyandwet,andeveninthemidstofrecountinghisworststory,hecouldn’tbelievehowrareandlovelyitsounded.Ilikeyouwhenyoulaugh.Ilikeyouwhenyou’reserious.Ilikeyouallthedamntime.
“Diditgetbetter?”
“Notforyears.Beforesheleftforcollege,itwasslammeddoorsandscreamingmatchesandactingout.Inhindsight,Ican’timaginehowdevastatingitmusthavebeen,tohaveabrotherwho’sfundamentallyastrangertellyouwhatyoushoulddo.Whensheleftforcollege,shewasdonewithme.Iwashalf-convincedI’dneverseeheragain.BythenHarknesswasdoingwellandIcouldaffordtosendhertoschoolwherevershewanted.Youknowwhereshepicked?”
“EastCoast?”
“Scotland.ShewentallthewaytofuckingScotland,justtogetawayfromme.”
Shetriedtohidehersmile.“Ihearit’sverybeautiful.”
“Iwouldn’tknow.Iwasneverinvitedtovisit.”
Ruesnortedalaugh.Hehadtoforcehimselftostopstaring.“Shedidcomeback,though.”
“Shedid.Andshewasdifferent.Shewasanadult,andIdidn’thavetobeanauthorityfigureanymore.She’dlivedabroadforyears,andIcouldtrusthertotakecareofherself.”Hemassagedthebackofhisneck.“Sheusedtocomplainaboutmydespotictendencies,butIwasterrified.Shewaswildandunpredictableandfragile,andorderingheraroundwastheonlythingIcoulddotokeepheroutofharm’sway.Ibeganunderstandingmyparentsandwhatthey’dgonethroughwithme,exceptthattheyweredeadanditwastoolate,andthatdegreeofmindfuckeryisjust…”Heshookhishead.“She’llalwaysresentmealittle,andmaybeI’llalwaysresenther.Butthepainofithasdulled.Itrulyenjoywatchingherdoinghershit.She’swaysmarterthanIwasatherage.She’sresilient.She’sdetermined.She’skind.And,thewholeexperiencegavemesomethingveryimportant.”
“What?”
“Atotallackofinterestinhavingchildren.”
Ruelaughedagain,andhadheeveryieldedmorepowerthanrightatthismoment?Hadanythingfeltbetterthanmakinghersmilewhenshe’dbeencryingonlymomentsago?Itwasfuckingintoxicating.Screwscienceorfinance—thiscouldbehiscraft.Hecouldspendthenextfewyearslearningthenooksandcranniesofhermoods,studyinghertemperament,catalogingherdispositioninallitslittleidiosyncrasies,andoncehe’daccruedanadequatebodyofresearch,itwouldbehismissionandhispleasure:makeRueSieberthappy.
Waymoresatisfyingthanhiscurrentjobdescription.
“Ididn’tevenneedtobemybrother’sguardiantoreachthatconclusion,”shemurmured.
“Bragging’snotcool,Rue.”Hesmiledatheramusedlook,andglancedattheclockhangingontopofaplantrack.Ithadbeentwentyminutes.More.
“Thankyou.Forcoming.”
“Thankyouforcallingme.I’masimpleguywhousedtochannelhisaggressionintohockeyandnowhasaboringcorporatejob.Ineedtogetmykickssomewhere.And…”Iwasthinkingaboutyouanyway.Iwantyoutoreachouttomewhenyouneedsomething—anything.Iwantmore.IfIcamecleanaboutthat,howwouldyoureact?
Shenoddedlikesheunderstoodtheunsaid.SeemedonthevergeofopeningupandadmittingtosomethingthatElireally,reallywantedtohear.Then,atthelastmoment,defaultedtotheirusual:sherolledoverandwedgedherselfbetweenhisopenlegs.Hereyelashesweredarkhalf-moonsassheglanceddown,assessinghisbodywithallthethoroughnessofamercilessexaminer.Heatsurgedinsidehim,theexhilarationandsheerpridethatalwayscamefrombeingtheobjectofherattention.Thenshetookhisfaceinbothofherpalmsandleanedforward.
Shetastedlikedriedtears.Elideepenedthekissoninstinct,butinstantlycametohissenses.“Rue.”Hewrappedhishandsaroundbothherwrists.“Ididn’tcomeforthis.”
“AndIdidn’tcallyouforthis.”Shegavehimasolid,evenlook.“Canwedoitanyway?”
Hescannedherface.“Ifyouask,I’mnevergoingtotellyouno.Youknowthat,right?”
“Ihadmysuspicions.”
Thekissresumed,slow,calm,salty,andEliwasabletokeephimselfincheckforabouttwominutes.Then,itwasover.Hepressedherintohim,pushedintoher,ranhismouthdownherthroat,andwhenherfingersrakedthroughhishair,heasked,“Here?Orinbed?”
Shewalkedastepaheadandledhimdownthehallway.Herfingers,wrappedlooselyaroundhis,feltasexplosiveasanyothersexualactthey’deverengagedin—positivelyperverse,givenhowlittlerealintimacysheusuallyaffordedthem.BeingescortedinsideRue’sbedroomwaslikethefirsttimeagirlhadguidedhishandunderhershirt:forbidden,terrifying,liferearranging.Hewonderedifshe’dhadanyothermaninherroom.Decideditwasunlikely.Triedtogethisheartnottopoundoutofhischest.
Shewasmessyinherprivatespace.Surfacesnotcoveredbyplantsweredrapedindiscardedclothes,unopenedmail,emptymugs.Itmadeherroomevensmallerandcozier,herunmadequeenbednarrower.Shedidn’tbotherapologizingfortheclutter,andElilovedthat.
Hetriedtoimaginewhatsharingalivingspacewithhermightbe:aconstantfighttokeepherchaosfromencroachingonhispartoftheroom.Trippingoverthestrapsofadiscardedbraonhiswaytothebathroom.Memorizingherunsmilingfaceinthesoftmorninglight.Dreamingofheratnightwithoutbeingafraidtowake,happyintheknowledgethatifhereachedout,hishandwouldmeethersoftskin.Soakinginthatunacceptablefeelingthatpermeatedhiscellswhenevershewasnearby.Shesatontheedgeofthemattress,lookedupathimwiththeintentexpressionshereservedfortalkofnanopolymers,andhecouldn’tsurviveonemoresecondwithouthisheadbetweenherlegs.
Itwasbecomingeasierandeasier,gettingheroff.Likeawell-trainedmusician,heknewexactlyhowtoplayher.Satisfactionhithimhardashedraggedherunderweartothesideandmadehersigh,andshiver,andcomeoverandover,withhismouthandhistongueandhisfingers.Whenshepushedhisheadawaybecauseitwastoointense,hesawitinhereyes:shehadn’tthoughtshewascapableofthispleasure.Whentheyweretogether,shesometimesdoubtedthatherbodywasreallyhers.
“Wheneveryouwanttofeellikethis,”hemurmuredattheinsideofherthigh,“callme.Useme.”Herheelsdugintohisbacklikelittlefists.“Ithinkaboutdoingiteverysecondofeverydayanyway.”
Shecollapsedbackonthemattress,onearmthrownoverhereyes.Eliwipedhismouthwiththebackofhishand,unbuttonedhistoo-tightjeanstogivehisdicksomerespite,andthenmoveduptoforcehertolookhimintheeyessomemore.Shedidn’tseeminclinedto,andhewaitedpatiently,aknightseekinganaudiencewithhisbeautiful,iron-willedqueen.
“Ishouldhavecondoms.Somewhereinthemedicinecabinetinmybathroom.”Hervoicewasstillraspyfromthecries.“Idon’tthinkthey’reexpiredyet,but…”Shearchedoffthebedinadeep,lazystretch,andwhenshestayedlikethat,aperfectbowofelongatedmuscles,Elihookedafingerinthehemofhershirtandpulleditup.Hestaredatherfullbreasts,mesmerized,willinghimselftobepatient.
“Wedon’thaveto.”
“Iknow.”
“Wecandoanythingthatyou—”
“Iknow.”
Herarmmoved,andherpeacefuleyeswereonhim.Hisheartwaslouderthanhecouldremember.“SoIdidcureyouwiththeuniqueprowessofmymagiccock.”
“Youhavehealedme.Myappendixscarhasdisappeared.I’mnotallergictopollenanymore.”
Hehuffed.“Theyweren’tmybestperformances.”Hewasn’tembarrassed,perse.He’denjoyedfuckinghertoomuchtoattachanythingbuthighlypositivefeelingstotheact.
“It’saturn-on,toseeyoulikethat.”Shebitintoherlowerlip.“You’renottheonlyonewhoenjoysgivingpleasuretoothers.”
Hisvocalcordsfeltparalyzed,sohewenttothebathroom.Whenhecaughthisreflection,whathefoundinhiseyeswasterrifying.He’dtoldhimselftobecarefulwithher,overandover.Tokeephisguardup.He’dfailed,miserably.
You’refucked.Completely,irrevocablyfucked.
Ruehadtakenherremainingclothesoff.Shegavehimasmallsmileandtookcareofhim,undressinghimslowly,methodically,andEliwastransportedtoanotherreality—oneinwhichattheendofastressfulworkday,Ruewasthethinghe’dbeenlookingforwardtosincemorning.Inwhichhe’dspenthismeetingsdeconstructingthescentofherskin.Timewasstalefromninetosix.Thesubjectofeveryemailcontainedhertranquileyes.
“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”shemurmured,kneelinginfrontofhimtoridhimofhisjeans.Aspectacularimagehewasgoingtotreasureinhisoldage.
“Likewhat?”
Sheshrugged.
“LikeIwanttofuckyou?”LikeIwantyou?“Ican’tmakeitstop,Rue.”Believeme,I’vetried.
Shestood,andheburiedhisheadinhershoulder,laughingathisownidiocy.
“You’llhavetoputiton,”sheinstructed,handinghimthecondom.
“Wantmetoteachyouhow?”
Sheshrugged.Herbreastsbounced—amasterpieceofgravity.“It’snotaskillIhaveparticularinterestinacquiring.”
Fuck,helikedher.“No,youwouldn’t.”
Hewasn’tcertainhowtheyendedupwithhimlyingbackagainsttheheadboardandRueontop,herhandsbalancingonhisshoulders,slowlyslidinghiminsideher,inchbytorturousinch.Hewantedtotellherthatshewaskillinghim.Wantedtoorderhertogetthefuckonwithitandlethimjustbeinsideher.Buthelethertakehertime,andeventuallyhewasasdeepashewanted,andshewastakingallthathehadtooffer,andthatwassimplyoverwhelming.Onceagain,hewasgratefulforthecondomdullingthesensation,oritwouldhavebeenallover,rightnow.
“Howdoesitfeel?”heasked.Hedidn’thavethetightestreinsonhiscontrol.
“Itfeels…”Shemovedexperimentally.Hebitbackagroan.“Full.Nice.”Shepressedakisstohisshoulders.“YouknowwhatIlikebest?”
“Mypreternaturallymedicinalcock?”
Shelaughed.Henearlychokedonhisbreath.“Sure.Butalso,whenwedothis,youpracticallyvibrate.”Herfingertiptracedthetautcurveofhistriceps,naillightlyscraping.“Everysinglemuscleinyourbodyistense,andIcanfeelhowmuchyouwanttomove,andyetyou’renot,anditmakesme…”Shetiltedherhipsataperfectlydisastrousangle,andhehadtogripherhipsandforcehertobestillandtakeadeep,shudderingbreathbeforehisthirdtimefuckingherturnedouttobeevenmorelacklusterthanthefirsttwo.
“JesusChrist,Rue.”
Shenippedathisearlobe,andhecouldn’thelphimselfanymore,soheclosedhisfingersaroundherwaistandbeganmovingher,upanddown.Forasecondhelosthimselftothefeelingofit,thetightsqueezeofhermuscles,thetasteofhertitsinhismouth,thesoftyieldofherassunderhisfingers.Hehookedhisarmsunderhersandwasmomentsawayfromchasinghisorgasm,butwhenhelookedatherface,shewasstaringdownathim,interestedbutdetached,andeverythinginsidehimscreamed,Fuck,no.
Notthistime.
“Rue.”Heletoutabreathlesslaugh.“Ifonlyyouknewhowfuckinggoodthisfeelstome.”
“That’snice.”Shebentdowntokisshischeek.“Iwantyoutofeelgood.”
Hegroaned.“Okay,newplan.”Heguidedheroffhim.“I’mgoingtoturnyouaround.”
“Around?”
“Yeah.ThatwayIshouldbeableto…”Hearrangedhertofacethewall,thenguidedheruntilherpalmswereontheheadboard.Hepushedbackinsidewithoutgivinghertimetoadjust.Hergaspmatchedhisgrunt.“Icancontrolmythrustsbetter.AndIcantouchyoumoreeasily.”Hepressedanopen-mouthedkissagainstthevalleybehindherear.“Andevenifyoudon’tcome,atleastyoucan…”
Hecircledtheheelofhishandagainstherclitfirst,thenhisfingers.Hepushedinandoutofher,shallowthruststhathadherassgrindingagainsthisgroin.“Howareyou—”
“Good,”sheexhaled.“Ilikeit.”
“Yeah?”Hetouchedhersomemore.“Isitworkingforyou?”
Shenodded,andhefeltherbreathspeedup.“Youjust—youreallyknowwheretotouchme.Andit’snoteven…”Shewhimperedatanotherstrokeofhisthumb,andwhenshecontractedagainsthim,hefelthisballstightenandthepressureatthebaseofhisspinetingle.“IthinkmaybeIcould…”Sheexhaledagain,butheknewwhatshewasabouttosay
“Yeah,”hebreathedinherear.“Maybeyoucould.”
Everythoughtofhisownpleasurewasforgotten.HesurgedagainstRue,asdeepashecouldgo,andoncehebottomedout,hekepthisstrokesshallowandbeganmovinghisfingersonher.“Likethis?”
Shenoddedeagerly,almostviolently,andElifeltlikethiswaswhathe’dbeenputonthisearthfor—getRueoff,righthere,inthisverymoment.“Oh,sweetheart.Whydoesitfeellikeyou’regoingtocome,huh?Whydoyoufeelsowetandsoftand—”
Abruptly,sheseizedaroundhim.Herentirebodyclenched,thesoundofherwindedbreathstopped,andeventhoughallEliwantedwastofuckherintothemattress,hepushedintothehiltandletherrideherorgasmuntilshecollapsedinhisarms.
“Youjustcamearoundmycock,”heraspedout.Hiswordssoundedshocked—justasshockedashefelt.
Shenodded,lostforwords.
“Rue.”Hekissedhertemple.Hercheekbone.Thelineofherjaw.Heheldhertohimselfwithshakinghands.“I’dlikeitifyousaidit.”
Hervoicetrembled.“Ijustcamearoundyourcock.”
“Okay.Okay.Ineedto—I’llfinish,okay?Let’sseehowlongittakesmeto…”
Hepushedin,thenoutagain,thenin.
Andthat,apparently,washowlongittook.28
InanothertimelineRue
Myeyesflutteredopentotheuncharacteristicallyloudrumbleofafarawaymotorcycle,andstayedthatwaywhenInoticedEli’sheadnexttomineonthepillow.
Themoonmusthavebeennearfull,becausedespitethedarknessandthelatehour,Icouldseehimclearly.Theperfectemperornose.Thecurls,atonceflattenedandwild.Theslightpartofhislipsandtheregularbreaths,matchingthesurgeandfallofhisshoulders.
We’dfallenasleepfacingeachother,sweatstillcoolingonourbodies,eyessearchingaswewilledourheartstoslowdown.Neitherofushadmovedintheinterveninghours.Eli’shandstillgrazedmylowerback,forearmdrapedovermywaist,anunfamiliarbutpleasantweight.
Iremainedstillinthebluishquietofthenight,pretendingtobeaphotographofmyself,emptyingmymindofeverythingbutthefaintscentofpetrichorseepinginthroughawindow.Afewminuteslater,Eli’seyesblinkedopen,too.“Hey.Whattimeisit?”
Hewasthekindofinsufferablepersonwhosleptquietlyandwokegracefully.Nodisorientationfromanunknownbed,orthehoursofdaylighthe’dlost.Justthatpeacefulexpression,andhishandresumingwhereithadstoppedbeforeourunplannednap:drawingscribblesintomyskin.
“Eleven.”Iglancedattheclock.“Elevenfifteen,actually.Don’tyouneedtogohomeandwalkyourdog?”
Iwasgenuinelycurious,buthalfwaythroughIrealizedthatmywordscouldhavebeenconstruedasanattempttokickhimout.Eli,though,justsmiled,likeheoftendidwhenIwasmyodd,sociallyawkwardself.
HesmiledlikeIdelightedhim.
“Tiny’swithMaya.”Heproppedhimselfuponthemattress.Myeyescaughtonhisstrongbiceps.“Butyes,Ishouldleaveif—”
“Wait.”Ireachedout.Wrappedahandaroundhisforearm.“Canyouwait?”
“Wait?”
“Couldyoustayabitlonger?”
Hisbrowfurrowedwithworry.“I’llstayforaslongasyou—”
“Ididn’tmeantoimplythatyoushouldleave.Just—youtoldmeyourworststory.Beforeyougo,Iwanttotellyoumine.”
“Rue,youdon’toweme—”
“Iknow.Iwantto.Butthisone,it’snotliketheothers.Idon’tthinkyou’llbeabletolookpastit.SoI’lljusttellyou.Andthen…thenyoucanleave.”
Hiseyessoftened.“Youwereabletolookpastmine.”
“It’sdifferent.Mineisbad.Mineismyfault.Mineis…I’lljusttellyou.”Ipulledthesheetsuptomychest.“Idon’ttalkaboutthisstufftoanyone.Mybrother.Thewaywegrewup.Tishaknowssomeofit,becauseshewasthere,andFlorence…it’snotsomethingyousayoverdinner.”
“Rue.”
“SoI’lltellyou.Andifyoudecideto…IguessyouandIwerenevermeanttobepartofeachother’slives.Beingwithyouwasabetrayalfromtheverystart.Ijustcouldn’tstayaway.”
Hisexpressionwasinscrutable.
“Andifyoucan’tbeartolookatmeafterallthesethingsI’mabouttotellyou,you’lljustleave,andeverythingwillbeasitshould.It’llbelikeIscreamedthemfromtheedgeofacliff.”Cathartic,butultimatelymeaningless.Lostintheether.Nothingwouldchange,exceptforthisonemomentintime,inthequietofourbed.“Okay?”
Elibrieflycuppedmycheek,thenimmediatelyletgo,asifawarethatIcouldn’thaveborneaprolongedtouch.Hiseyes,histone,everythingabouthimfeltdistantandenigmatic.“Goahead,”hesaid,andIwasthankfulforit.
IstartedbeforeIcouldchangemymind.“MydadleftwhenIwassix.Vincewasalittlemorethanthree.Idon’trememberlifebefore,soIassumethingsweremostlyfine.Afterhewasgone,though,wewerepoor.Notalways.Itdependedonalotofthings.WhetherMomhadajob.Whatkindofjob.Whethersomethingbrokeinthehouseandweneededtoreplaceit.Healthcareexpenses.Thatkindofstuff.WhenIwasthirteen,forinstance,ourlandlorddecidedthatshewasgoingtosellourapartment,andbetweenmovingtoanewplaceandtheincreaseinrent…itwasn’tagoodtime.”
Ifeltnakedinanuncomfortable,intolerableway.IspottedoneoftheoversizedT-shirtsIsleptin,quicklypulleditovermyhead,andthensatup,cross-legged,tocontinue.“Mymom—shehadherownissues.Mentalhealth,I’msure.Someaddiction.AsIunderstandit,herparentswerepartofoneofthoseultraconservativechurches,andwhenshedecidedshedidn’twanttostickaround,theywithdrewanysortoffinancialandemotionalsupport.Shehaduswhenshewasveryyoung,and…WhatI’mtryingtosayis,she’snotthevillainofthisstory.Ormaybesheis,butshewasavictimfirst.
“Wedidn’thavelotsofmaterialshitgrowingup,andthatwasn’tfun.Buttheworstpartwas,byfar,beinghungry.”Iglanceddownatmyhandsandtookamomenttocollectmyselfbeforeresuming.I’msayingit.I’mdoingit.It’soutthere.“Alotofpeoplethinkthatfoodinsecuritymeansconstant,systematicstarvation,andsometimesitplaysoutlikethat,butforme…Iwasn’thungryallthetime.Iwasn’talwaysmalnourished.Iwasn’tdeprivedoffoodfordaysonend.Butsometimes,whenIwashungry,therejustwouldn’tbeanythingtoeatinthehouse,ormoneytobuyit.Sometimesthatwouldgoonfortwo,threedaysinarow.Sometimesitwasmorethanthat.Holidaysweretheworst.InthesummerIcouldn’tgetfreelunchesatschool,whichmeantnoguaranteedmeals,andthatsucked.IremembermystomachcrampingsohardIthoughtIwoulddie,and…”Icoveredmymouthwiththebackofmyhand.Exhaledslowly.“Isay‘I,’butitwasthetwoofus—meandVince.WhateverhungerIfelt,hedid,too.AndMom…I’mnotsurehowtoexplainthis,butshecompletelycheckedout.Idon’tthinksherealized,orevencaredthattherewasnofoodinthehouse.BythetimeIwasten,I’dlearnedthatIshouldn’tgotoherwhenIwashungry,becauseshe’djustsmileandlietomethatshe’dgoshoppingsoon.AndbythetimeVincewasseven,he’dlearnedthatifhewashungry,Iwashisbestbet.”
Eli’seyesshonewithunderstanding,butIwasn’tdone.Forsomeonewhonever,evertalkedaboutthis,itwasdisconcertinghowmanywordsIhad.
“Again,thiswasn’tallthetime.We’dgoentireweekswithcasserolesfordinnerandmilkinthefridgeandcerealinthecupboard.ButthenMomwouldquit,orloseherjob,orbreakupwithaboyfriend,andtherewouldbestretchesofnothing,whereVinceandIhadtorationstalecrackers.Andbecauseitwasallsofuckingunpredictable,itwashardtoenjoythegoodtimes.Theycouldendanysecond,sowewereconstantlyontheedgesofourseats.
“Idevelopedcertain…strategies.I’dstealafewdollarsasanemergencyfund.SometimesfromMom’spurse.Othertimesfromotherplaces.Iwasaveryopportunisticthief.”Iletoutalaugh.“VinceandIgotintothehabitofeatingasquicklyaspossible.Wewereafraidtobediscovered,orthatMomwouldcomeandaskwherewe’dgottenthefoodfrom,orthatshe’dtakeitfromus.Eatingathomewasaconstantsourceofanxiety.Andnaturally,everythingweatewasverycheapandpoorquality.Wedidn’thavefreshvegetablesatourdisposal.Thelittlemoneywehad,we’dusetobuystuffthatwouldkeep.I’dgotoTisha’shouseandtherewerethesebigbowlsoverflowingwithfruit,anditseemedlikebeinginaDisneymovie.Princessstuff,youknow?Theapotheosisofluxury.”
There,I’dlearnedthatfoodwasmorethanjustcaloriesandnutrition.FoodwaswhatbroughttheFulifamilytogethereverynight,whattheparentsoffigureskatersmadefortheirkidsafterahardpractice,whatpeopletalkedaboutwhentheycamebackfromweekendsspentinquaintcoastalbed-and-breakfasts.Foodwascollagen,theconnectivetissueofoursociety,andifIhadn’tgrownupwithenoughofit,well.Clearly,ithadtomeanthatIwasn’ttetheredenoughtoanyone,andnevercouldbe.
“Yousaidthatyouleftforcollegeandnevercameback,and,Eli,Ididthesame.Alecandthefigureskatingprogram—Iowehimeverything.ThankstohimIgotmytuitionwaived.Ijumpedonaplane,leftforthedormsontheearliestpossiblemove-indate,anddidn’tcomebackfortwoyears.Ijustcouldn’t.Iwasonthecollegemealplan,whichmeantIcouldeatplenty,butIstillhadsomuchanxietyaroundfood.Itwastriggeredbytheweirdestshit—havingtoeatinarush,smallportions,thecafeteriasbeingclosedforThanksgiving.Itwasirrational,but—”
“Itwasn’t,”heinterruptedgently.
Iglancedaway.“Eitherway,Iwasn’tfunctioning.SoIlookedaround.Acampustherapisthelpedmefindcopingstrategies,but…Iwashealing,andIjustcouldn’tforcemyselftogobackhome.”Iswallowed.“YouwentbackforMaya,Eli.ButI…Iwaseighteen,andVincewasfifteen,andIlefthim.IlefthimalonewithMomforyears.”Theburningpressurebehindmyeyesthreatenedtooverflow,andIhadnowishtofightit.Instead,Irememberedasummernight,whenIwasthirteen.AsleepoveratTisha’s.ThefollowingdayMrs.Fulihadsentmehomewithleftovers—pastawithchicken,asideofgrilledzucchini,andafruitsalad,allfreshanddelicious.WhenI’dreturnedhome,MomwasgoneandVincewassittingonthecouch,listeningtothenewsonaTVthathadonlythreechannels.HiseyeshadwidenedinsheerjoyatthesightoftheTupperwarecontainersinmyhands,andwatchinghisdelightasheworkedhiswaythroughthefoodhadmademehappierthanI’dbeeninalong,longtime.
BeingabletokeepVincefed,thathadbeenhappiness.AndwhenIcouldn’t,that’swhenI’dbeguntoresenthim,andtheunfairnessofwhatwasbeingaskedofme.
“Ididgoback,eventually.AndVince…hesaidheforgaveme.Butthingssouredanyway.HegrewupandmadechoicesthatIsimplycan’t…We’vebeenonandoffthroughtheyears.Hiscurrentbehavioriscompletelyunacceptable,butIhopeyoucanseewhymecallingthepoliceonhimisnotreallya—”
Twothingshappenedsimultaneously:myvoicebroke,andElidraggedmeintohislap,betweenhisthighs,hisarmsbandsofsteelaroundme.Tearssliddownmycheeks,andIhateditalittle,thisweaknessofmine,thisinabilitytodealwithmypastandwithmyinfiniteguilt.Butitwasnice,havingtoldsomeone.Takingthisstingingpaininsidemeandputtingitoutsidemybodyforalittle.
“Youdidwhatyoucould.”Hishandcaressedmyhair,myback.“Youdidenough.”
“DidI?”Ipulledbackandwipedmycheeks.“Becauselookatus.”Hestaredinconfusion,hispalmwarmaroundmynape.“Mystoryandyourshadthesamebeginnings.Oursiblings.Theice.Engineering.Buttheending…YouandMayafoundeachother,whileVinceandI—it’slikeoneofthoseFinishthePictureworksheets.Exceptthatyoursbecameabeautifulpaintingandmineisafucking—”
“Rue,no.”Heshookhisheadenergetically,likeIshouldn’tevencontemplatetheidea.“Mayawantedtobefound.Mendingthatrelationshipwentbothways.This,”hesaid,anglinghisheadtowardtheentranceofmyapartment,“isnotonyou.Please,tellmeyouunderstandthat.”
MaybeIdid,atleastrationally.ButIwasn’tabletofeelitinmystomach.Iletoutasoft,viscouslaugh.“Doyouthinkthatmaybethere’sanotherversionofus,somewhereinanothertimeline?Wherewe’renotjustamessed-uplumpofscartissue,andwe’rewholeenoughtobecapableoflovingothersthewaytheywanttobeloved?”
Hestaredatmeforanendlessmoment,andasillythoughtnestledintomymind.IfIwereabletolovesomeone,Iwouldchooseyou.Inthattimeline,Iwouldwantittobeyou.
Butthenhesaid,“No,Rue.”
“Well,that’sdepressing.”
“That’snotit.”Heswallowed.Heldmyeyeswithdetermination.“Ijustdon’tthinkthatweneedanothertimelinetobeabletodothat.”
Itknockedmewordless.Myheartstoppedsoabruptly,Iwasafraiditwasn’tgoingtostartanymore.“I’mdone.Youcanleavenow,ifyouwantto,”Isaidevenly.Icouldn’tbelievehe’dwantotherwise—inmyexperience,stayingwastheexception,andleaving,therule.Ihatedthethoughtofhimbeinggone,butmaybeitwasforthebest,tountangleusfromthisintimacywe’dsunkinto.
“CanI?”
Inodded.“IpromiseI’mfine.Idon’tneedyoutokeephuggingme,or—”
“I’mnothuggingyou.”
“Yes,you—”
“No,here’swhat’shappening.”Heshiftedusarounduntilwewerelyingdown,notunlikethewaywe’dfallenasleepearlier.Exceptthathewasdefinitelyhuggingme,pullingmeintohischestandholdingmethere.WheneverIbreathedin,hiscleanscentfilledmylungs.“I’mwaitingforyoutocalmdown.Onceyou’renotupsetanymore,wecanfoolaroundagain.ThenI’llgohome.Okay?”
“Okay,”Isaid.Itsoundedlikeagood,notoverdramaticplan.Anddespitethenight’sevents,Iwas,aboveall,notoverdramatic.
“Perfect.Justcloseyoureyesandrelax,okay?Thesooneryourelax,thesoonerwecandosomethingfun.”
“Likewhat?”
“Wecouldfuckagain—thatworkedwell.Ormaybeyoucansuckmeoff.I’llthinkaboutit.”
Itookadeepbreathandwilledmyselftocalmdown.Itwasgoingtobegood,movingbacktothesex.SomethingIwasfamiliarwith.SomethingIcouldcontrol.
ButIrelaxedalittletoomuch,andendedupfallingintoanexhausted,dreamlesssleepinunderaminute.Wedidnotfuck,andIdidnotsuckhimoff,andhedidnotgohome.
Instead,Eli’sarmsstayedaroundmefortherestofthenight.29
Evenifyoudon’tRue
Eliwokeupatdawn,cursedsoftly,andgentlydisentangledfromme.
Ididn’tpretendtobedeadtotheworld,butmadethesemiconsciouschoicetokeepmyeyesclosedanddriftbacktosleep.ThelastthingIrememberedwashisweightdippingtheedgeofthemattress.Helingered,perhapslookingatme.Thenhepushedastrandofhairbehindmyearandleanedforwardtogentlykissmyforehead.Tired,comfortable,maybeevenalittlehappy,Idozedoffonceagain,lulledbytherustleofElipullinghisclothesbackon.
Ididn’twakeupuntilseveralhourslater,whenIstumbledintothekitchenandpawedaroundforamugandthecoffeemaker,thenstoppedinmytrackswhenIspottedthenote,writtenonmylatestunopenedIRAenvelope.
He’dcircledmymiddlenameontheaddressbox(Chastity,thebaneofmyalreadyplenty-banedexistence),andplacedthreeexclamationpointsonitsright,whichmademyeyesrollandmylipscurve.Underneath,he’dwritten:
Callmeifyouneedme.
Andthen,rightbelow,scribbledmorehastily,asthoughhe’ddecidedtoaddsomethingwhenhewasalreadyhalfwayoutofthedoor:
Callmeevenifyoudon’t.
Myheartthumped,andIallowedmyselftothinkaboutthepreviousnight.Iwaitedfortheshametocatchupandcrashintome,awaveofpuremortification,butitnevercame.I’dtoldElimyworststory.Andhedidn’tseemtocare.
Amagneticpenthatreadklineinbluelettersandusuallyresidedonmyfridgesatnexttotheenvelope,remindingmeofwhatI’dhavetodotoday.
Icalledintoworkagain,thistimetotakeadayoff.Igotdressedfortherecordheat,grabbedmycarkeys,andheadedout.30
IguessthisisrevengeEli
WhenAnton’sheadpeepedinthedoorwaytoannounce,“Someone’sheretoseeHark,”Elinoddedwithoutbotheringtolifthiseyesfromthefinancialstatementhewasstudying—untilMinami,whosatrightnexttohimonthestupidexerciseballsheinsistedonusinginlieuofachair,asked,“IsitavisiblypregnantwomanholdingahomemadeDNAtestkit?”
“I…”Antonshiftedonhisfeet.“Thisfeelslikeaproblematicquestion.”
“Iamaproblematicperson.Isit?”
“Um,no?”
“Okay.Justasking,becauseyou’remakingareallyweirdface.”
“Whatface?”
“Likeyou’reexpectingtrouble.”
“Yes.Well,no.Butthiswomancamein,askedtotalkwithHark,andwhenIpointedoutthatshedidn’thaveanappointment,shetoldmehernameandsaid,‘He’llwanttoseeme.’Whichseemedweirdandkinda…movie-like?”
“Verymovie-like,”Minamiagreedwithanintriguedbounceontheball.
Elifeltaprickleofuneaseatthebaseofhisneck.“What’sthewoman’sname,Anton?”
“It’s…”HesquintedatthePost-itinhishand.“RueSiebert.HerIDcheckedout.”
EliandMinamiexchangedalong,teeminglook.
“TellherthatHarkwillberightout,”Eliinstructed.
“ButHark’sonhiswaybackfromSeattle—”
“Iamaware.”HeheldAnton’seyes.“Tellheranyway.”
Minamiwaitedforthemtobealonebeforeasking,“WhyisshelookingforHarkandnotyou?”
Therewasasinglelogicalanswer.“ShewantstoaskhimaboutFlorence.”
“What?”
“HeindirectlymentionedFlorenceatdinnertheothernight.Ruewantstoknowmore,andshethinkshe’lltellher.”
“Butwhywouldn’tsheaskyou?”
Why,indeed.
He’dbeenexpectinghertodigintothematter,eversinceshe’dfoundthefileinhiscar.Lastnighthe’dbeentemptedtobringupthedepositionandtellRuethewholesordidstory,buttherehadbeennoroomforthatbetweenthem.Still,hethoughtthey’dmadesomeprogresswhenitcametotrustingeachother.
Andthefactthatshe’drathergetanswersfromHark…Elididnotlikethat.
“MaybeyoushouldwaittillHark’sback,”Minamisaid.“SotheburdenofbreakingherprettylittleFlorence-lovingheartwon’tfallonyou.”
“Ifherhearthastobebroken,I’dratheritbeme.ThatwayIcanhelpherpickupthepieces.”
“Thengoaheadandtellher.Ifit’snotoneofus,it’llbeFlorence—andaswecanallattest,she’saremarkableliar.ShecouldturnRueagainstyou,andthenyou’dloseher.”
“Loseher?”Hesnorted.“DoyouthinkIhavehernow?”
Shescannedhisface.“Ithinkyouwanther.”
“Yeah.Ialsowantworldpeaceandformydogtoliveforever.”
“Comeon,Eli.I’veseenyouwithMac.I’veseenyouwithlotsoftrulyamazinggirls.”
“Women.”
“Ohmyfucking—we’vebeenjoinedatthehipforthepasttenyears,Eli.”
Heshookhisheadandturnedoffhismonitor,notbotheringtohidehisamusement.“Areyoubreakingupwithme?”
“I’veneverseenyoulikethis,Eli.”
Hestoppedmid-action.Resumed.“Likewhat?”
“Whenshe’saround,andevenwhensheisn’t,you’redistractedandyoumoonandyou—haveyoutoldherhowyoufeel?”
Jesus.“Minami,sheis…veryhurt,andveryemotionallyunavailable.Idon’tthinkshe’sreadyforthatkindofconversation.”Butlastnight,ahopefulvoicewhisperedinhishead.He’dinchedclosertodiscussingfeelingswithherthaneverbefore,andshehadn’tkickedhimoutofherapartment.“IfI’mnotcareful—ifIdon’tpacethisjustright,she’sgoingtorun.Ineedtotakeitslowly.”
Minamilookedathimwithsomethingthatcouldhavebeenpity.“Youdon’tlooklikeyouwanttotakeitslowly.”
Herose,mostlytoavoidscreamingIfuckingknowIdon’tatoneofhisclosestfriends,whoseadviceandcarehevalued.“Anymorepearlsofwisdom,Dr.Phil?”
“Justbecareful.That’sall.”
Hetookoffhisglassesandheadeddownthesleekhallway,noddingattwojunioranalystsandanintern.Whenhestrodeintothelobby,Ruesatononeoftheleathercouches,handsinherlap,legsneatlyfoldedataninety-degreeangle.Herposturewasimpeccable,unfidgetyandcalmaseverwithinthechaosoftheworldaroundher.Itremindedhimofthefirsttimehe’dseenher,atthathotelbar.Hehadacoupleofsecondstoobserveherbeforeshenoticedhim,andusedthemtotheverylastdrop,drinkingherinlikeshewastheendofacentury-longdrought.
Hereyeswidenedinsurprisewhenshenoticedhim.Hecouldsenseitbetweenthemlikeaphysicalobject,theawarenessofthisever-deepeningconnectionbetweenthem.ButRueinstantlyloweredhergaze,asiftosweepit—sweephim—away.
Haveyoutoldherhowyoufeel?
Outoftheblue,Elifeltanger.Abrupt,intense,bottomlessanger,equallydirectedatRueandhimself.Herpresenceinhislifeandinhisheadwasuninvited.Thepowersheheldoverhim,hehadnevermeanttoyieldit.Whichmeantthatshemusthavetakenitwithouthispermission.Robbedhimofit.Andaftereverythingthathadhappenedbetweenthemlastnight,she’dchosentogonottohim,buttoHarkThatwasthedegreeoftrustthatsheaffordedhim.
“Followme,”heorderedwithouthidingtheedgeinhistone.Sheroseslowly,butElididn’tcheckwhethershewaskeepingup.Heledhertohisoffice,notedwithreliefthatMinamiwasgone,andclosedthedoor.
Allhecouldfeelwasresentment.
Hewantedhersomuch.So.Fucking.Much.Everytimehesawher,fuckedher,smelledher,hewantedabitmore.Hewantedtomakehertwelve-courselunches,holdherdown,buildheraresearchlab.Hewantedeverything,includingthingsthatmadenosense,thingsthatshouldnotgotogether.
AndRuecouldclearlyseehisfury.“Eli,”shesaid.Notscared,ordistant.Justcompassionateashercoolfingerswrappedaroundhischeek.Likesheactuallycared.Sheroseastallasshecouldandpressedafeatherlightkisstothebaseofhisjaw.
Itwasabrief,beautifulmomentofhope,andittwistedEli’sheartuntilhecouldn’tbearit.
“No,”hesaid.Heforcedhertoretreat,andwhenthebacksofherthighshittheconferencetable,hespunheraround.
Theywerebothimmediately,inexplicablywinded.
HebarelywaitedforRue’spalmstofindthetable.Hespreadherlegswithhisfoot,toreattheopeningofherpants,andpulledthemjustlowenoughforwhathehadinmind.Heunbuckledhisbelt,loudinthequietroom,andslidhiscockoutofhisslacks,pullingherunderweartotheside.Heteetered,pressedagainstthewetlipsofhercunt,nearlybreachingherhotentrance,readytopushinsideandshowherthatshewashis—
Hewasoutofhisfuckingmind.
Inthehallway,merefeetandasingleunlockeddoorawayfromthem,someonewasdiscussingweekendplans.Eli’sthumbgrazedRue’sclit.
Sheshuddered.“Doit.Please.”
Heshookwithrestraint,hisvisionblurrywithwant.Ruebuckedback,andhehadtogripherhiptoavoidsinkinginsideher.
Fuck.
Hewrappedhisarmsaroundherstomach,hugginghertohimselfastightlyashecould.Hewouldhavetakenanyexcusetolethergo,butshewasmellowinhisarms,andwhenheburiedapainedgroaninherthroat,shewrappedherhandsaroundhisforearmandheldontohimasfirmlyasheheldher.
Eli’sragedissolvedintosoul-deepresignation.Hehadnorighttoresentherforbeingthebestandworstthingtoeverhappentohim.Andifhisheartwasn’tgoingtosurviveher,thensobeit.
Heextricatedhimselffromherslowly,notmeetinghereyesashereadjustedherclothes,thenhis.Whenhewasdone,sheleanedbackagainstthetable,afinetremorinherhands,andmethisgazehead-on.
Inthehallway,peoplelaughedandsaidtheirgoodbyes.
“Eli.”
ThethingsIwantfromyou,Rue—youhavenoidea,andmaybeneverwill.
“I’msorry.”
Healmostlaughed.“Forwhat?”
“ForwantingtoaskHarkinsteadofyou.It’sjust…”Hervoicewaslow.“Hewasthesafestoption.”
Hiseyesnarrowed,andshegavehimoneofherwhatdon’tyouget?stares.
Sothiswasfallingforsomeone.Aruthlessexpansionofthesenses.Themeticulous,unintentionalcatalogingofaperson’sheadtilt,theshapetheirhandmadearoundawineglass,thelittletellsintheirgaze.
“Ifyouthinkyoucantrusthimmorethanyoucantrustme—”
“It’sbecauseIdon’ttrusthim.”Herlipstrembled.“WhateverHarktellsmeaboutFlorence,Icanchoosenottobelieve.Withyou…onceyoutellme,I’mnotgoingtobeabletowalkawayfromit.”
Eliwasgoingtohavetohurther,andhehatedthatevenmorethananythingFlorencehaddone.
Henoddedandcrossedhisarmsagain,fingersdrummingagainsthisbiceps.“WewereFlorence’sgradstudents.”
Ruenodded.“Itwasinthedeposition.”
“Minamiwasherpostdoc.HarkandIdidn’toriginallycometoUTtoworkwithher,butshetookusonwhenourmentorleftunexpectedly.Itwasnotapassingacquaintance.Ifshesaysshedoesn’trememberus,it’sadeliberatelie.”
“AndthenFlorenceleftyou,too?Andnowyou’relookingforrevenge?”
God,hefuckingwished.“Thenshestoleourwork.”
Onlyasingle,slowblinkbetrayedRue’ssurprise.“Notthefermentationtech.Thatwasheridea.”
“ThefermentationtechwasMinami’sidea.Florence’sidea,theoneshe’dgottenmillionsofdollarstotest,dead-endedinyearoneofthegrant.Florencehadtopivot.HarkandIneededanewlab,andnooneelsehadthefunds,theexpertise,orfranklythewilltotakeuson.Florencewasbarelyolderthanus,hadneverhadgraduatementees,butshewasobviouslyatalentedengineer.Wehadtochoosebetweenworkingwithherandleavingtheprogram.Itwasano-brainer.”
“Andthen?”
“Fortwoyears,weworkedthatsometimesshitty,sometimesrewardinggradstudentlife.Youknowwhatthat’slike.Alottobedone,buttheprocesswe’disolatedwaspromising.Thenwehadabreakthrough.”
“WasFlorenceanactivememberoftheresearchgroup?”
“Shortanswer,yes.”Hethoughtaboutit.Triedtocollecthisopinionsinshapesthatwereasfairastheycouldbe.ThethingsIdoforyou,Rue.“Imightbebiased,soyou’llhavetocompareandcontrastwithFlorence’srecollection.Mineisthat,intellectually,Minamiwasverymuchleadingtheproject.Florencewasagreatsoundingboard,butwasbusy.Weneverstoppedaskingherforadvice,butovertimewetransitionedtomostlyreportingourprogress.Hergrantscoveredstipendsandmaterials.Shealsorentedoff-campuslabspace.Whichdidseemodd,butshesaidthatrentingpre-equippedlabswaslessexpensivethanbuyingnewequipment,andthefundinginstitutehadrecommendedit.Fairenough,wethought.Weweredonewithclassesanddidn’tneedtobeoncampus.Youknowwhatgradschool’slikeaftercomps—noformaloversight.Weendedupmostlyisolatedfromtherestofthedepartment.Ourcodependencyoriginstory,”headdeddryly.HehadnocluewhetherRuebelievedhim—hisfathomless,enigmaticgirl
“Andwhenthetechwasready?”
“Wehadabreakthroughtwoyearsin,beforethesummer.Bythispointwewereoff-sitestudents,virtuallynocontactwithanyoneatUT.Wegotamonthoffforthesummer.HarkandIbackpackedinEurope.MinamihadjustmetSul.Wecameback,anditallwenttoshit.
“Atfirstwejustcouldn’tgetintouchwithFlorence.Shewouldn’treplytoemails,answerphonecalls.Wewereworriedabouther,sowewenttoourdepartmenthead.That’swhenwediscoveredthatFlorencehadquit,andtherewasanongoingdisputebetweenherandtheuniversityregardingtherightfulownerofthetech.Bayh-DoleActof1980andthatshit.Meanwhile,thethreeofusareglancingateachother,wonderingwhatthefuckisgoingon.”
“WhatdidFlorencesaywhenyounextsawher?”Rueasked.
“Youwerethere.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“ThenexttimeIsawFlorencewasatKline,lastmonth.Florencerefusedtomeetus,ortootherwiseacknowledgeourexistence,forthepastdecade.Therewasnoclosureforus,whichmadeitevenhardertomoveon.Once,Minamiwaitedbyherapartment,hopingtoconfronther.Shewentonherown,figuringHarkandImightcomeacrossasintimidating.”
“And?”
“Florencecalledthepoliceonher.”
TherewasaslightflinchthatalessdevotedobserverofRuemighthavemissed.Onceuponatime,Elimighthavefoundsomedegreeofhappinessintellingherthetruth,becauseitwouldhavemeanttakingsomethingawayfromFlorence.AllhecouldthinkaboutnowwaswhathewastakingawayfromRueherself.
“Forwhateverit’sworth,andafterruminatingoverthematterforyears,Idon’tbelieveFlorenceplannedtocutusoutfromthestart,”hesaid.“Harkdisagrees.”
“Whydoyoubelievethat?”
Heshrugged.“Contextualclues.Wishfulthinking?ShewasopenlyunhappyatUT.Thebiofueltechcouldbebroughttomarketandgetherout,butFlorenceneededtoownthepatent.Andtheonlywayshecouldkeepitwasbyprovingthatshehadn’tdevelopedthetechwithfederalfunds.Unfortunately,ourstipendswereonrecord,paidwithfederalgrantmoney.”
“Ah.”
“Shehadtominimizeourinvolvement.Wewerean…endurablesacrifice.”
“Whydidn’tyoureporther?”
“Wedid.Butevenjustadecadeago,thingsweredifferent—andwehadn’tbeenseenaroundinyears.Therewaslittleproofofourinvolvement.ForallUTknew,we’dbeenplayingpinballfortwenty-fourmonths.Itwasourwordagainsthers,andagradstudent’swordwasworthverylittle.Thenthecasebecamehighlypublicized.”Ruecouldn’thavemissedthecablenewspieces,theop-eds,thewaypublicattentionhadbeensuddenlyrivetedbytheveryuninterestingtopicofpatentlaw.“Charmingyoungfemaleresearchertriestochangetheworldwithenvironmentallyfriendlyfuels,doestheworkonherowntimeanddime,andUTwantstotakeownershipawayfromher.DavidtakingonGoliath.APRnightmareforUT,andtheywanteditsweptundertherug.Itincludingthethreeofus,andthefusswewerekickingup,becausethemfuckingoveronepersonsoundedbad,butthemfuckingoverfour?Evenworse.HarkandIwereaskedtoleavetheprogram.Minami’scontractwasn’trenewed.Wehadnomoney.Wesawtwolawyers,andtheybothtoldusthatwedidn’thaveacase.Andthenmyfatherdied,andthatshitseemedliketheleastofourproblems.”
Ruebrieflyclosedhereyes.“Isthis”—shemadeavague,all-encompassinggesturetowardHarkness’sheadquarters—“revengeforwhatFlorencedid?”
HadHarknessbegunasameanstohurtFlorenceasmuchasshe’dhurtthem?Undoubtedly.Butithadmorphedintosomethingelsealtogether.Elilikedhiscurrentjob.Privateequitywasashitshowthatleftdestructioninitswake,andhefeltproudoftheprioritiesthey’dsetforthemselves.Theycaredabouttheirportfolio.Theyfocusedonthelong-termhealthofcompanies.Theymadesomedifference.
“Thisistheonlywaywehadtotakebackwhatwasours.Hark’sfatherismadeofmoney,butherefusedtosupportHarkinanyendeavorthatwasn’tfinancerelated,andthis…Wehadthestartingcapital.Itwastheonlywaywecouldgetthetechback.I’mnotgoingtolie,Rue.Thingsarenotlookinggreatforus,andFlorenceiswithholdingkeydocumentsandmakingourlivesimpossibleeverystepoftheway,butIstillhopewecangetthetechback.It’sbeenyears,andwehaven’tspenteverybreathingsecondresentingFlorence.ButwekeptaneyeonKline.Andwhentheloanwentupforsale…”Heshookhisheadathisownidiocy.Somanywordsjusttosay,“Yeah.Iguessthisisrevenge.”
“Andwhatisitthatyouwant…”Sheseemedtemporarilylostforwords.“What’syourhappyending?”
Whataloadedquestion.“Klineisnotdoingwell.Thetechshouldhavebeenbroughttointernationalmarketsyearsago.Thecompanyexpandedtooquickly,isunfocusedand—wehavereasontosuspect—insolvent.Florencehassurroundedherselfwithyes-meninsteadofcompetentadvisers.Intheidealscenario,Florence’sloandefaults.WetakecontrolofKline,appointaboardwithactualexpertise.Noemploymentshrinkage,noreductionofwages.Betterscience.”
“Andyouownthepatent?”
“Andweownthepatent.”
Rueglancedawaywithafrown.Forthefirsttimesincetheconversationhadbegun,heknewforcertainhowshefelt.
Sad.
“Thanksforbeinghonest,Eli.Ireallyappreciateit,but…Ihavetogonow.”Shewalkedpasthim,butthenstoppedandretreatedforashortmoment,justenoughtoriseonhertoesandpressakisstohislips.
Elilethergo,butwhenherhandwasonthedoorknobhesaid,“Rue.”
“Yes?”
Hestaredintoherwide,uncloudedeyes.Said,“Nothing,”insteadofthetruth:anything.Everything
Hethoughthecaughtasplitsecondofhesitation,butitmusthavebeenatrickofthelight.Still,hestoodinfrontofthecloseddoorforlongerthanhecaredtoadmit,hopingthatshewouldcomeback.31
DifficultchoicesRue
Minamiwaswaitingformeonabenchintheground-floorlobby,across-leggedfigureleisurelysippingfromawaterbottle.Shedidn’tcallmeover,butIsatnexttoheranyway.
“HetoldyouaboutFlorence?”
Inodded.
“Justwantedtomakesure.Otherwise,Iwouldhave.”
Istudiedherpretty,relaxedface.Thesteelunderneathhercalmdemeanor.“YouandEliareveryclose,aren’tyou?”
“Oh,yeah.IgetfedupwithSulandHarkallthetime,butEli’smyrock,ascheesyasitsounds.Didhetellyouthatitwashisidea?Thefinalbreakthroughforthetech.Wewerestuckforages,andthenhefiguredoutthelaststep.Andhewassoproud.”Shesmiled.“Hewasthekid,youknow?Theyoungest.Harkwasbroodyandworldly,butEliwaspuresunshine.Kindandfunandatotalflirt.Ithasdulledovertheyears,becauseofeverythingthathappenedwithhisfamily,butyoucanstillseethatspark,right?”
Icould.Idid.AndIwasn’tsurewhatsomeonewiththatkindofsparkwasdoingwithsomeonelikeme
“Iadoredhimfromthestart,”Minamicontinued.“But,Rue,itdoesn’treallymatter.Ididn’twantyoutoknowbecauseofEli.Iwantedyoutoknowbecauseofyou.”Shestood.Lookeddownatmewithagraveexpression.“YouandyourfriendshouldwatchyourbackswithFlorence.NeitherofyoudeservestogothroughwhatIdid.”
WhenIpulledintoKline’sparkinglot,thesunbakedhighinthesky,andFlorencewasalreadyoutside,sittingononeofthebenchesonthesideofthebuilding.Therewaslittledoubtthatshewaswaitingforsomeone.
“Hi,Rue,”shesaid,whenIwalkedtoher.Herhairwasafiery,brightorangeinthemiddaylight,astarkcontrasttohermelancholicsmile.“Eliemailedme.”
Ifrowned.“Hedid?”
“Hetoldmehegaveyouhisversionofwhathappened.SaidImightwanttogiveyoumine.”Shelaughedsoftly,andtherewassomefondnessforEliinit,asthoughshelikedhimdespiteherself.“Youknowwhathewrotetome?”
Ishookmyhead.
“Thatwhenitallwentdown,tenyearsago,whathurthimthemostwasnotbeingabletounderstandtheactionsofsomeonehetrusted.He’dneverwishthisonyou,andthoughtIshouldgiveyouanexplanation.”Shepressedherlipstogether.“Hedidn’taskforanexplanationforhimself.Didn’tinsultme.Wasn’tevenpassiveaggressive.Allthreeofthem—Minami,Hark,Eli—haverefusedtotalktomeeversincetheloanwasbought.Notasinglecommunicationhappenedwithoutlawyersstandingaround.AndhereEliKillgoreis.Breakingthestreak.Foryou.”
Florence’swordslingeredintheair.Myheartfeltatonceladenandwrungthroughastrainer.“And?”Iasked.Icouldnotbringmyselftotakeaseatnexttoher.
“I’mnotsurewhathetoldyou.”
ItsoundedenoughlikeanadmissionthatIhadtobracemyself.“Justgivemeyourstory,then.”
“Okay.I…”Florenceranahandthroughherhairandsighedheavily.“Youhavetounderstand,Rue.Theworldisnotblackandwhite.Thereareshadesofgray.Therearedifficultchoicesthatpeoplehavetomakesometimes.TheUTjob…theUTjobwasreallybad.Irealizedthatdespitemygrantsandmyoutput,theyweren’tgoingtooffermetenure.Ithadhappenedbefore,topeoplemorequalifiedthanme.Therewereacoupleoflawsuitsandseveralinvestigationsgoingon,allstartedbywomeninthedepartmentwho’dbeentreatedunfairly.Fuckingterrible.Andthat’swhen…”Sheshrugged.“Brockwasabigpartofit.Whichshouldhavebeenaredflag,butatthetimeourmarriagewasn’tquitethedumpsterfireitlaterbecame,andwewereactivelyworkingonsavingit.Weweretryingtohaveababy,ifyoucanbelieveit.Wewerebrainstormingwaysformetogetoutofacademiaaltogether,consideringamove,maybe.Talkedaboutitformonths.Intheend,pivotingtoindustrymadethemostsense.Iwasthinkingofjustgettingaresearchstaffjob,but—Rue,willyousit?”Shesquinted,coveringhereyeswithherhand.“Thesunisrightbehindyou.”
Ididn’tmove.Myfeetwererootedtotheground.“But?”
“Well,itwasBrockwhobroughtitup.Hesaid,‘Whataboutallthebiofuelstuffyou’vebeenworkingon?Can’tyoustartyourowncompanycenteredaroundthat?’AndI…”Shepausedforalong,longwhile.“IbeganlookingintohowIcouldmakeithappen.”
Myheartdroppedintomystomach.“Andyoudidn’tgivetheothersanyofthecredit.”
“Comeon.”Shelaughed.“HarkandEliwerenevergoingtogetcredit.Theyweregradstudents,forfuck’ssake.Nogradstudentgetscreditforthekindofideastheyhelprefine.Theircontributionsweregruntwork.WasIsupposedtosharethepatentwithtwomen,justbecausethey’drunacoupleofassaysforme?Please.Iknewthey’dbefine.”
Elihadn’tbeen,though.NorHark,Isuspected.“WhataboutMinami?”
“See,that’s…”Florencenoddedslowly.“Thatreallydoeshurt,inhindsight.Ifeelhorriblefornotincludingherinthepatent.ButIdidn’thaveanyotherchoice.Youknowhowharditis,forwomeninourfield.Iwasinaterriblesituation,and—”
“Minamiisawoman,too,andamorejunioracademic,”Iinterruptedharshly.IhighlydoubtedMinami’scareerhadbeenasprivilegedasFlorence’s.“Andthat’snot—Florence,havingitharddoesn’tgiveusapasstocheatotherpeopleoutoftheirwork,especiallynottoscrewoverpeoplewhohaveitharder.”
“Iknow.AndIfelthorrible—whydoyouthinkIspentthefollowingyearskneedeepinmentorshipprograms,tryingtoupliftjuniorscientists?Iwastryingtoatoneforthat.”
“TheonlycorrectwaytoatoneistogiveMinamicredit.”
“Rue,ifIhadn’tdonewhatneededtobedone,youknowwhowouldhaveownedthepatent?Notme.NotMinami.NotEliorHark.UTwouldhaveownedit.”
“Sowhat?”Iblinkedinconfusion.“Soitwasokaytosacrificeeveryoneaslongasyougotit?ItwasMinami’sidea.”
“Onlypartially!IhelpedMinamirefineit.Ilenthermyexpertise.Ifithadn’tbeenforme,itwouldn’thavemovedpastthemostpreliminarystages.”
“That’snotwhatElithinks.”
“Thenhe’slying.Doyoureallybelievehimoverme?”
Youdidlietome,Iwantedtosay.Whydidyoulietome?Buttheanswerwasobvious.AndevenifeverythingFlorencewassayingwastrue,evenifhercontributionwassuperiortoeveryoneelse’s,didthatmakewhatshe’ddoneforgivable?
Istudiedherface,trulyseeingitforthefirsttime.Florencestaredback,andthenbeganlaughing.“Youknowwhatthisfeelslike?”
Iremainedsilent.
“LikeEliandIarefightingoveryou.”Shewasstillchuckling,butIcouldnotseethehumor.AndmyheartdidhurtforEli,but…
“ThepersononwhosebehalfIfeelthemostoutrage,rightnow,isMinami.”
“Rue.I…Ijusthopeyou’llbeabletoseemypointofview.IhopethatyourealizethatIhadtomakesomeverydifficultchoices,andforgiveme.”
“It’snotmyforgivenessyouneed,”Isaid.
Shecalledafterme,butIstrodetomycarwithouthesitation.32
Let’strytomakeitrightRue
“Andyou’rereallysurethatsheadmittedtoit?”Tishaaskedforwhathadtobethefourthtime.I’dalreadyrepliedtothefirstthree,butstilldidn’tblameher.Icouldscarcelybelieveit,andhadgottenitstraightfromthesource.
“Iam.”
“Andit’snotsomekindof…Idon’tknow,astroke.Or,Idon’tknowhowcommonfoliesàdeuxarethesedays,butmaybeFlorenceandEliarebothinthethroesofone?Maybeit’snotquitethewayElipaintedit?Amisunderstanding,inwhichFlorenceisnotnearlyasgaslight-gatekeep-girlbossyashe’stryingtomakeherout.OrtheHarknesspeoplecouldbebiasedandexaggeratingtheircontributiontothetech.Imean,areyoureallysurethatshe—”
“Admittedtoit?”DiegoshoutedfromTisha’skitchenette.Thenhecametoleanagainstthedoorjamb—abare-chested,bespectacled,body-builtnerdwhocouldn’thavebeenmoreTisha’stype.Tishahadsupposedlybeenworkingfromhome,buthershortkimonoclearlybroadcastthattheyhadbeeninthemiddleofsomethingwhenIbargedin.Diegohadtakenmyuninvitedappearancelikeachamp.“Rue,couldyoupleasetellTishawhetheryou’rereallysurethatFlorenceadmittedtoit?”
“I’drathernot.”
“Letusknowifyouchangeyourmind.”
“Never.”
“Understood.”
Ihadn’tlikedaTishaboyfriendthismuchinyears,andhopedhe’dstickaround.EvenBruceseemedtobeafan,rubbinghimselfagainstDiego’scalveswhileshootingmehisrepertoireofskepticalglances.
“Okay,youtwocanstopbeingchummyandcahootsyagainstme.”
DiegoandIexchangedonelastcahootsylookbeforehedisappearedintothebedroom.Itwasanimmenserelief,beingwithTisha.Sharingtheburdenoftoday’sdiscovery.Thelastfewhourshadupendedthelastfewyearsofmylife,butTishawashere,unchanged.Stillstandingaseverythingelsecrumbleddown.
“IfFlorenceadmittedtodoingthatshit—andyes,Iknowshehas—well…”Tishashrugged.“Listen,Iloveher.Youloveher.Shedidsomuchforus,andwe’reprobablygoingtokeeponlovingher,evenifshefuckedup.Atleastwe’lltry.Butthisisnotasmallthing.Thisissomeone’slivelihood.Thisissomeone’shopesanddreamsandentirecareer.Wehavetodosomething.”
“Iknow.Butwhat?”
Shescratchedhertemple.“WhatifitwasyourpatentthatFlorencehadstolen?WhatwouldyouwantMinamitodo?”
Mymouthwasdry.“Iwouldwanthertohelpmemakeitright.Evenaftertenyears.Evenifshewasn’ttheoneresponsibletobeginwith,Iwouldwanthertobeonmyside.”
“Okay.”Tishanodded.“Thenlet’strytomakeitright.”
“Wehavenoevidence.IfUTsweptitundertherugyearsago—”
“Reportingitwon’tdoanything.”Tishabitintoherlowerlip.“I’mnotsurewhatelse,though.Wemightnotbethebestpeopletofigurethisout.”
Anideahitme.“No,wearen’t.”Iletoutabreathlesslaugh.“Butyouknowwhois?”33
Sad,beautifulfortressgirlRue
Thesunwasalreadysetting,butIworriedthathemightstillbeattheoffice,andthatnotfindinghimmightforcemetoreconsiderwhatIwasabouttodo.Thankfully,IspottedEliassoonasIpulleduptohisstreet.
Hewasunlockinghisfrontdoor,butheturnedaroundwhenheheardmycarapproach.Inthedusk,hiseyeswidened.Thensoftened.Igotoutquickly,withoutbotheringtocollectmyself,andmarchedtohimwithanoutstretchedhand.
Elistaredatmyopenpalmforalongwhile.“Whatisit?”
“Takeit.”
HepluckedouttheUSB.“What’sonit?”
“Youknowwhat.”
Hisexpressiontraveledfromconfused,tounderstanding,toshocked.“No.”Heshookhisheadandtriedtoreturnit.“Rue,Ididn’ttellyousothatyou—”
“Iknow.Butshetookitfromyou.FromMinami.FromHark.”
“Rue.”
“Andweagreethatsheshouldn’thave.”
“We?”
“TishaandI.”
HestaredattheUSBpinchedbetweenhisfingers,silent.
“IfKlineisbreakingthetermsoftheloancontract,thenHarknesshastherighttoknow.I’mnotgivingyouanysecrets.Thesearejust…”
“Thedocumentssheshouldhavehandedoverweeksago?”
Atleast,Ihopedso.IhadaccesstoFlorence’sofficeandcomputer—andahealthyignoranceoffinancialrecords.Butthat’swhatNyotawasfor.
Afterabriefhesitation,ElislidtheUSBinhispocket.“Thankyou,Rue.”
“You’rewelcome.”Itookadeepbreath.“CanI…”
Hetiltedhishead.
Iswallowed.“Thelastfewdayshavebeen…difficult.Forme.Iftonight…ifIaskedyoutotakemeinandletmestaywithyou,andnotmentionasinglewordaboutFlorence,orKline,wouldyou—”
HeopenedthedoorbeforeIcouldfinishthesentence—anunequivocalinvitation—andawordlessconversationpassedbetweenourlockedgazes.
CanItrustyou,Eli?
Always.
Myheartleapedinmythroat.Isteppedinside—andwasassaultedonceagain.
“Down,Tiny,”Elidrawled,notbotheringtohidehisdelightatthewayhisdog’spawsrestedonmymidriff.“I’mnotlettingherleaveanytimesoon.You’llgettosnugglelater.”Tinylickedmychin,andIflinched.
“Idon’treallysnuggle.”
“Colormeshocked.”Hetookoffhisglassesandsetthemnexttoastackofunopenedmail.NotHarkness’sElianymore,butmine.
Mine.
Itwashalf-ridiculousandallpathetictothinkofhiminthoseterms,butrelieffloodedmeanyway.“Isitavanitything?”Iasked.
“What?”Hegrabbedsomethingfromashelf,andTinycircledusandjumpedupanddown,clearlyinthemiddleofagalvanicepisode.Werealldogsthisshamelesslyhappy?Scienceshouldstudytheirblood.Comeupwithgooddrugs.
“Theglasses.Youonlywearthematwork.Areyoutryingtocomeacrosslesslikeaformerhockeyplayerandmorelikeanerd?”
“Ionlywearthematworkbecause,accordingtomyophthalmologist,Ihavetheeyesightofamaninhiseighthdecadeandneedglassesforreadingandstaringatcomputerscreens.”
“Ah.”
“ButthankyoufortellingmethatIlooklikeadensejock.”
“Ididn’t—”
“Shh.Iknow.Let’sgo.”Heunspooledsomekindofflatrope.Itwas…
Ohno.“Where?”
HehookedtheropetoTiny’scollar.“Towalkmydog.”
Itookastepback,andhefollowed.Gentlypriedmyhandfrommysideandslidtheleasharoundmywrist.“Eli,Ishouldn’tbeinchargeof—”
“Ifyoustay,you’regoingtohavetoearnyourkeep.”
Ishookmyhead.“I’mnotreallya—”
“Petperson?”HelookedatmelikenothingIcouldhavesaidwouldsurprisehim.Likeheknewnotjustthecontours,butalsotheshaded,buriedpartsofme.Attheveryleast,heknewthattheyexisted.“Let’sgo.”Hisvoicewaskindbutadamant,andIhadnochoice.
IfollowedTiny’sindiscernibleinterestsalloverthesidewalk,feelinghisleashtugdeterminedlyatmyfingers.Severalneighborswereout,walkingtheirowndogs,andtheystoppedoftentoexchangepleasantries(withEli)andvigorousbutt-sniffings(Tiny).
“NotwhatIhadinmindwhenIcameover,”Imuttered,pulledinthedirectionofTiny’swhims.Eliseemedunfazed,andnevermadeamovetotaketheleashfromme,notevenwhenTinyfreedhimselftochaseasquirrel,forcingmetorunafterhiminwhathadtobeaLooneyTunes–worthydisplay.
“Don’tworry,Iwillfuckyoulater,”ElimurmuredonceIwasbackathisside,noddingatanelderlyladywhowaswalkingapoodlethatlookedeerilylikeher.IglancedatTiny,thenEli.Therewasaresemblancethere,too—themessy,curlybrownhair.Wasthisathing?“Butsinceyoucametome,Ifiguredwecoulddothingsmyway.”
“Wealwaysdothingsyourway.”
“Dowe?”
Wedidn’t,andIknewit.Sincetheverystart,I’dbeentheonesettingboundaries,makingrequests,buildingfences.Probablybecause,sincetheverystart,I’dsensedhe’dbewillingtopushpastthem.Hisrolehadbeenwelldefined:respectmywishes,followmylead.
Butafterthelastfewdays,itwasobviousthathewantedahazy,undefinedmore.Whichwashazily,undefinedlyterrifying.
“Don’tworry,Rue.I’mnotgoingtoaskyouforanythingscandalous,liketoskatewithme.”Heglancedatmeintenderamusement,asifIwereachildwhostillbelievedinleprechaunsattheendoftherainbow.“Thisisnotadate,oranythingasgrossandmorallypervertedasthat.”
Andyet,itfeltjustasdisturbing.Backathishouse,hetookacoupleofminutestosendthefilestohisteam,andthensatmeonastoolwhilehepreparedsomethingwithcouscousandstir-fryandspicy,mouthwateringscents.
“Isthisthelastofyoursignaturedishes?”
“Yup.I’mgoingtohavetolearnafewmoreifIwanttokeepluringyouhere.”
Doyou?Areyousureyouwantmearound?“WhereisMaya?”
“Camping.”
“Doesn’tshehavesummerclasses?”
Heshookhishead.“Onbreak.Leftearlythismorning.”
I’dcomeherebecauseIcouldn’tstandtobealonewithmythoughts,butwiththedarkeningsky,therhythmicchoppingsounds,theveggiessizzlinginthepan,myminddriftedbacktoFlorence.Whatshe’ddone.Thewaysherationalizedheractions,asthoughavalidjustificationforherbehaviorexisted.Therehadtohavebeenapoint,inmyyearsofknowingher,inwhichshehadexpressedsomekindofbeliefthathintedathercapacityforsomethinglikethis.AndI’dmissedit.
“Relax.”Eli’svoicestartledme.Hislargehandswrappedaroundmyshoulders,thumbsdiggingfirmlyintotheknotsbetweenmyscapulae.
“Iamrelaxed.”
“Sure.”
“Iam.”
“Rue.”Somethinglightandwarmnuzzledthecrownofmyhead.Hisnose,maybe.“Ifyou’reheretoavoidthinkingaboutit,thendoso.”
“I’msorry.IknowI’mnotgoodcompany.Ishouldbemore…”
“More?”
“Engaging.Chatty.Sociable.Charming.”
Hecircledmystooltocatchmyeyes,andIfoughttheimpulsetoguidehishandsbacktome.“Shouldyou?”
Ishrugged,andhewentbacktothestoveandtossedtheveggiesinonesmoothmove.Mysocialinadequacieswereoldnewsbynow,butwhatifElididn’tunderstandthefullextentofit?Whatifhethoughtheknewme,but—
“You’reenough,Rue.Andifyouaren’t…Ijustdon’tmind.”Istaredathisbackasheworked,watchinghismusclesplayunderthecotton.“Isaiditbefore,butIdolikeyou.You’refunny,eventhoughyouliketopretendyou’renot.You’reloyal—tothewrongpeople,sometimes,butthat’sstillaqualitythatIdeeplyappreciate,evenmoresoafterwhathappenedtenyearsago.Youhaveastrongsenseofwhatiswrongandwhatisright.You’redeliberate,andyou’drathershutupthanlie—eventoyourself.”Hebeganplatingthefood.Inhisperfectprofile,Isawatwitchofasmile.“Andaswe’vealreadyagreedupon,you’reafantasticlaywhosmellsamazing.”
Itwasmycuetolaughathisjokeanddismisstherest,butmyheartwasbeatinghardinmythroat.“I’mnotsurewhattosay.”
“Youcouldreturnthecompliment.”
“Ishouldpraiseyoursenseofjusticeandmorality?”
“Notthatone.”
“Ah.”Inodded.“Iguessyou’reanokaylay,too,”Isaidflatly,andmyheartgallopedwhenhelaughedfromsomeplacedeepinhischest.“Youdon’tresentme?”
“WhyshouldI?”
“Ifithadn’tbeenforwhatwasstolenfromyou,Iwouldn’thavethiscareer.”
“Youwouldstillhaveacareer.”Hecarriedbothplatestothetableandwaitedformetojoinhim.
“Sure,I’dbeworkingsomewhereelse.Butmyprojectwasfundedwithsomethingthatwastakenfromyou.”
“No,Idon’tresentyouforthat.Itlookslikeyouareresentingyourself,though.Andweagreedthattonightwasn’taboutthat.”Eyesstillonme,Eliscoopedupaforkfuloffoodandbeganeating.“DidVincentcomeback?”
Iblinkedattheabruptchangeoftopic.“No.I’vebeencallingrealestatelawyers,butit’ssummer.Afewareonvacation,afewarenotaffordable,somearenottakingonnewclients.Iwanttobuyhimout,andIhavesomemoneysetaside.I’dbeensavingitforthedownpaymentonahouse.Orforwhenmycarfreesitselfofitsmortalcoil.OrincaseIneedanewkidney.”
“Thosethreethingshavevastlydifferentcosts,Rue.”
“HavefunonThePriceIsRight,FinanceGuy.”
Hesmiled.“Eatup.Yourfood’sgettingcold.”
I’dassumedwewouldtransitiontosexafterdinnerandloadingthedishwasher,butWednesdaynighthockeywas,tomyshockandawe,somethingthatexisted.WhenElitwinedhisfingerswithmine,ledmetothecouch,andturnedontheTV,Iwasuncertainhowtoreact,butdidn’tprotest.
Hisarms,wrappedaroundme,feltequallyalienandmundane.Intheuncertaintyofthenight,Iletmyselfbeleddownthepathofleastresistanceandsankintohisbody.Hewaswarm.Hesmelledgood.Outsideofsex,I’dnevertouchedsomeoneforsuchaprolongedtime,butcontactwithhimwassoothing.“Watchingteamsports”rankedsomewherebelow“tweezingspinesoutofacactus”onmylistofenjoyableactivities,butthiswas,somehow,good.
Reallygood.
WhenElimuttered,“That’ssomebullshit,”eitherthirtysecondsorfortyminuteslater,Iblinkedinconfusion.I’dbeenthatrelaxed.
“Whathappened?”
“Thatpenaltyshottherefcalled.”
“Ah.”
“Theplayerwiththepuckjumpssidewaystoavoidahit,barelygetsclipped,andthedefendergetscalledforatrip.Comethefuckon.”Hewavedhishand,charminglyaggravated.“Refshavebeenshitallseason,”hemuttered.HiseyesflittedtomebeforemovingbacktotheTV.Thendidadoubletake.“What’sthatface?Ifyouthinkitwasalegitimatepenalty,Isweartogod,Iwillcastyououttothemercyoftheelements.”
“Thetemperatureisreallynicetonight.AndIhavenoopinion.Idon’tknowtherulesatall.”
Hesmiled.“Don’tworry,I’mnotgoingtoteachyou.”
Igavehimapuzzledlook.
“Yougrewuparoundrinks.You’dhavelearnedeverythingthereistoknowabouthockeybynowifyouwereinterested.Youdon’tneedmeimposingmyshittyhobbiesonyou.”
Adense,heavyweightsuddenlypressedagainstmysternum.Burnedbehindmyeyes.“No?”
“Nah.JusttellmeI’mrightandtheref’sashithead.”
Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.“You’rerightandtheref’sashithead.”
“You’reanatural.”
Weexchangedasmile.Theprimal,gravitationalforcetuggingmetowardEliwasnotnew,butthiswasdifferent.Anewhum,burieddeep,hiddenbelowthefrequencyofcivilization,anditwassomuch—so,somuch—Icouldn’tbearit.
“Eli,”Isaid.
“Yes?”
IthoughtI’dberidofyoubynow.IthoughtI’dsweatyouout.Butit’slikeyou’vestolenalittlepieceofme.AndI’mafraidthatwhenthisisover,I’llgobacktomylife,andmyshapewillhavechanged—justalittle,butenoughthatI’llnolongerfitintomylonely,angularhole.
“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,assincereasIcouldbe.
“No?”Hesatback,assessingmecalmly.Icouldn’tshaketheneedlingsensationthatheunderstoodsomethingfundamental,somethingnuclearaboutusthatIcouldnotyetaccept.“Ithinkyoudoknow,butImightbemistaken.”Hishalfsmilewasconciliatory.“AmImistaken,Rue?”
Mychestconstricted.Iwasstripped.Uncomfortablyseen.“Ithink,”Isaid,movingmyhanduptheinseamofhispants,“thatwe’vebeentalkingtoomuch,andthat’snotlikeus.”
HisbreathwasasharpintakewhenIcuppedhimthroughtheflyofhispants.Hewasinstantlyhard.“Yeah?What’slikeus?”
Hedidn’thelpme,notevenbyshiftingasingleinch,butittookmeverylittletofreehiscock.Bythetimehewasinmyhand,hotandhuge,Ifeltlessfragile.“This.”Ikneeledbetweenhisknees,putmymouthonhim,anditfeltliketheworldmadesenseagain.
Itwasnew—notgivingablowjob,butgivingonetosomeonewhosebodyI’dbecomefamiliarwith.Elihadbecomemuscleknowledge,thewheresandhowsofhispleasureseepedintomeoftheirownfreewill.
“It’salmostfuckedup,howmuchIlikemycockinyourmouth,”hesaid,andthenheswore,shuddered,sworeagain.Afterafewvaliantsecondsofresistingme,hecombedbothhandsinmyhairandbeganthrusting,movingmyheadintheexactrhythmhewanted.Icravedthis—tobejustamouthandbodyagain.TobeusedbyhimmeantthatIcouldnotbeobserved,asecondofpreciousrespitefromwhatwasgrowingbetweenus.
Hewasgentle,becausehewasEli,buthewasalsorapidlylosingcontrol.Hegroaned.Hisgriptightened,histhighstensed,andhewasrightontheverge—untilhestoppedme.“Nicetry,”hehalflaughed,halfpanted.Theaccusationheatedmycheeks.“Notworking,though.”Hetookmychinbetweenhisfingersandforcedmeintoaslow,deepkissbeforecarryingmeupstairs.
Therewasusually,atsomepointofusbeingtogetherlikethis,amomentinwhichthefloortiltedandwetippedover—themomentumsofastandhard,weforgotourselvesandtumbledintobed.Butthistimeitwasslow,excruciatinglyso,anditwasEliwhopacedus.Helingeredoneveryinchofskinheuncovered,markeditwithhishandsandeyes,celebratedallprogresswithkissesandgrazingteeth.Itfeltlikerevenge—likehewantedmetopayfortryingtomakehimlosecontrol.
“Hurryup.”Ituggedimpatientlyathisclothes,butheignoredmeandtookhistime,evenwhenIbegged.“Whyareyoubeinglikethis?”
“BecauseIcan,”hesaid,andIhadnochoicebuttosettleintohistouch,tremblingwithpleasureunderhisslow,thoroughhands.
He’dchangedthesheets.Itwasaweirdthingtoregister,butIcouldn’thelpit.Thenewoneswereadeepblueandsmelledlikefabricsoftener.Icouldn’tunderstandwhyheleftmetoretrievehisbelt,butmyheartracedashemovedmywristsabovemyhead,tieditaroundthem,andthentetheredmetothebed.Hewasslow,givingmeeverychancetostophim.
“Good?”heasked,voicelow.Therequestwassimple:I’mgoingtobeincharge.Okay?
Inoddedeagerly.ThemakeshiftcuffwaslooseenoughthatIcouldhavefreedmyself,butIhadnointentionofdoingso,notwhenitanchoredmetothehereandnow.
“Okay,then.”
Thelasttimewe’ddonethis,he’dteasedmewithinaninchofmylife,andIexpectedmoreofthat.InsteadIfeltthewettipofhiscockacrossmythighs,mybelly,pushingagainstmyentrance.Hegroanedwithsomethingthatsoundedlikebliss,thenstoppedhimself.
“Shit.I’mgoingtogetacondominasecond,Iswear.”
Herubbedagainstmeforafewmoresecondsthatturnedintominutes,andthen,withsomechokedprofanities,openedhisnightstanddrawer.
Amomentlaterhepushedinsideme.
Ifeltitdowntomytoes,howthickhewas,theburnofthestretch.Gaspedinshockathowsuddenithadbeen,howincrediblygood.PleasureusedtobesomethingIhadtoworkon,somethingtoclimbtoward,butthiswasinstantly,aggressivelyenjoyableinawayIcouldn’tcomprehend.
AndEliknewit.“Comeon,baby.”Hesoundedamused,ifbreathless.“I’mnotevenallinyet.”Hekissedmeonthelips,somethingfeatherlightthatimmediatelyturnedfilthyanddeep.Thenherockedafewmoretimesandsuddenlyhewasallin,andwewerepantingineachother’smouths,uncoordinatedandfrozenintime.
Eliwhite-knuckledthedarksheets.Ituggedatthebelt,findingthatbeingrestrainedheightenedmypleasure.Whenherockedupwardinsideme,thelickofheatthatranthroughmealmostfrightenedme.“Ohmygod.”Hediditagain,andImoaned.Loudly.“Whydoesthisfeelsogood?”
“It’sthewayI’maligned.”Hegroundagain.Thebaseofhiscockrubbedagainstme,makingmeshiver.“Icanstimulateyourclitwithouttouchingit.Ithinkthat’sthetrickofitwithyou.”
Heknowsmybody,Ithought.LikeIknowhis.“It’snice.I—ohgod.”Hemovedagain,andIfeltmyselfclenchagainsthim.“Ilikeit,”Iexhaled.
Hisgroanmeltedintoasoftlaugh.“Iknow,Rue.Icanfeelit.”
Iwasonthevergeofcominginminutes—thepressure,thedeliciousdraginalltherightspots,hischestbrushingagainstmynipples.Heatclimbedinsideme,andIclosedmyeyesandarchedmybacktobetterpushagainstit.Alittlelonger,Ithought.Itfeltsopunishinglygood,Iwantedittolast.ButEliwastalkingintomyear,tellingmehowcriminallybeautifulIwas,adangertohispeaceofmind,thatsometimeshewishedhe’dnotcheckedhisphonewhenI’dfirstmessagedhim;hewishedhe’dflungittotheothersideoftheroomandsparedhimself.Thelowrumbleofhisvoiceandhisshallowmovements—Iwasgoingtocomeapart,anysecondIwasgoingto—
Elistilled.
Underneathhim,Iwasastenseasanunpluckedguitarstring,thepleasureatonceextraordinarilycloseandimmenselyoutofreach.
“Good?”heaskedagainstmyear.
Inodded.Mycuntthrobbed,swollenaroundhiscock.
“Lookatme,Rue.”
Itiltedmyhipsintohim,tryingtogetthefrictionIneeded.
“Openyoureyes,andlook.At.Me.”
Myeyelidsfluttered.Eli’sfacewasrightabovemine,beautifulandfamiliar.Sweatdrippedfromhistemples,dampeninghisdarkhair.Iwatchedhishardexpression,stilldazedandoverstimulatedbyhavinghiminsideme.
“Goodgirl.”Herewardedmebysurgingupward.Mythighstwitched,andIletoutalongmoan.“Doingwhatshe’stold.Andyouknowwhatgoodgirlsget?Ithinkyoudoknow.”
Bloodpoundedinmyears.
“I’mgladyou’reenjoyingthis.Afterall,that’sthepointoffucking.”
Ididn’tfollow,buthebentmykneewithhispalm,andInoddedanyway.Myprizewasanotherrollofhishipsthathadhispubicbonerightagainstmyclit.Ialmostwentovertheedge.Notquite,though,andthenoiseslippingoutofmewaspure,mortifyingfrustration.
“Whichisexactlywhatwe’redoing.Justfucking,right?”heasked,nippingatmythroat.
“I—ohgod.Eli,please.”
“Please,what?”Heshiftedsothatbothhishandstwinedwithmine,andsuddenlywewereevencloser.Thefreshscentofhissweatfloodedmynostrils.Hewasstrong,heavy,andIneverwantedhimtostop.“Askforwhatyouwant,sweetheart.”
“Iwantyoutomove.Please,move.”
Hedidmove,butinsteadofgrindinghepushedin,thenout,andthatwasthedifferencebetweenexcellentsexandthecruelestofdisappointments.“Likethis?”
“Eli.”
“No?”
“Youknowit’snot.Just—please.”Icouldbarelyrecognizethisbumblingmesshe’dmademeinto.AndIneverwantedhimtostop.
“Youwantmetomakeyoucome,don’tyou?”
Inoddedvehemently.
“Ofcourseyoudo.”Hekissedmesoftlyonthemouth.Iwaspinnedunderneathhim,completelyathismercywhilehemovedinsidemeintheobscenestofways,andyethiskisswasdisarminglysweet.“I’mgoingtomakeyoucomehowevermanytimesyouwant,howevermanywaysyouwant.Butyouhavetodosomethingformefirst.”Hespokeinacalm,determinedtone,buthismusclesstrained,andhewasn’tanylessreadytofinishthanme.
“Dowhat?”
“Iwantyoutolookmeintheeye,andtellmethatthisisjustfucking.”
Ifroze.“What?”
“Youheardme.”Hisvoicewaskind.Anotherkisspressedagainstmycheek.“Tellmethatallwe’redoingisfucking,andI’llmakeyoucome.”Hebalancedonhiselbowsandmadeacoupleofshallow,experimentalthrusts.Hisfacecontortedwithpleasure,andhestopped.“That’sit.”
“Eli.”
“Comeon.”Helookeddownatme,patiently.“Justsayit.”
“Why?”
“Whynot?”
Iwasn’tsure.Isqueezedmyinternalmusclesaroundhim,hopinghe’dstartmovingagain.Elilookedoverwhelmed,andverytemptedforamoment,butherecoveredafterbitingthepillowandgroaningagainstit.“Onceagain,nicetry,”heexhaled.
“Ijustwantyouto—”
“Stop?Becausetheseareyouroptions.Istoprightnow.OrIcontinue,afteryousaywhatyouneedtosay.”
Iglancedupathiminconfusion,buthewasinscrutable.Theideaofmybodylosingcontactwithhiswasrepulsive.Myskinwouldfeelsocoldwithouthisheat
“What’stheproblem,Rue?”Hisfingerstangledwithmine,palmsflushagainsteachother.Hesoundedalmost…ThemoreIhesitated,themoretenderlyhelookedatme.Hisvoicedroppedtoalowmurmur.“Itcan’tbethatdifficultachoice,canit?”
Itcouldn’t.Itwasn’t.Buthe’dwoundmeup,andwithouthiminsideme,aboveme,Iwasnevergoingtocomedown.Icouldn’tthinkproperly,tothepointthattheonlypossibleresponsewasthehonestone.
“Idon’twanttosayit,”Irasped.“Idon’twantto.”
“Ah.”Hesoundedutterlyunsurprised.“DoIstop,then?”
Ishookmyhead.
“Let’sintroduceanotheroption,then.Youexplaintomewhy.”Hislipscurvedinakindsmile.Whateverthisgamewas,hewaswinningit.Icouldtellevenwithoutunderstandingtherules.“Youexplaintomewhyyoudon’twanttosayit,andI’llspendtherestofthenightfuckingyou.I’mgoingtodevotetherestofmynaturallifetomakingyoucomesohard,we’llbothloseourminds.”
“Whyareyoudoingthis?”
Helaughedsilentlybeforekissingmeagain,andthistimeitwasslowandbottomless,thoroughlikeonlyElicouldbe.Iarchedintohim,trembling.Butthenthekissdied,andnoresponsecame.Instead,Elileanedhisforeheadagainstmine.
“Rue.Mysad,beautifulfortressgirl.”
Hisvoicewassofully,tragicallyheartbreaking,Icouldnolongerkeepmyeyesopen.Ihateyou,Ithought,justasasingletearrolledoutofmyeyeandstreakedmytemple.LikeI’veneverhatedanyonebefore.
Hehadgivenmethreeoptionstochoosefrom.Onewasunbearable.Onefeltwrongonaviscerallevel.Theremaining…theremainingwouldrequiremetoexplainsomethingImyselfdidn’tunderstand.
Iforcedmyeyesopen,foundEli’s,andchosethefourth.
“It’snotjustfucking,”Isaid.Inthequietoftheroom,myvoicewaslikeshatteredglass.“ButI—Idon’tknowwhy,andIdon’t—”
Thekissthatsilencedmewasnuclear.Forlongsecondswewerebothferal,suspendedintime,interrupted—justEliandme,breathingeachotherin,tryingtobeascloseaswecould.“Don’tworry,sweetheart,”hesaidintomyear.“You’llfigureitout.I’llhelpyou,okay?”
Whenhebeganmovingagaininsideme,mybodylitupwiththeforceofanatomicexplosion.Andlessthanhalfaminutelater,Icamesohardmyvisionwentblack.34
UntroddenterritoryRue
Iwokeupatthecrackofdawn,curledintoEli’schest.Thesexhadlastedforhours,butIcouldn’trecallwhenpreciselyithadendedorhavingmadetheconsciousdecisiontostayover.Itmatteredverylittle:afterwhatI’dadmittedtolastnight,Inolongerrequiredmentalgymnasticstojustifysleepingathisplace.
Igentlyfreedmyselfandpulledupmyshorts,staringathim.Hewasonhisside,barechestedandonlyhalf-coveredbythesheet,hishairabeautiful,chaoticnightmare.Ithoughtaboutrunningahandthroughit,andtheimpulsewassohardtoresist,Ihadtoforcemyselftoturnaway.
Myphoneinformedmethatitwasearly—earlyenoughthattheskywasn’tfullybrightyet—butIhadalabbookedforthemorning,andcouldn’tshowupsmellinglikesexandEli.WithonelastlingeringglanceandtheoverpoweringfeelingthatIshouldstay,Imademywaydownthestairs.
AssoonasIwasnolongeraroundEli,aninsidioussenseofdreadbeganspreadingthroughme.Mystomachached.Myboneswereheavy.Somethingdensesolidifiedinmychest,andthefartherIgotfromthebedroom,theheavieritbecame.
Itwasnotjustsex,whatheandIweredoing.Heknewit,andsodidI.Andnow…whatnow?Whatdidpeopledo,oncetheyacknowledgedthattheyhadsomething—someone—tolose?Whatwasexpectedofme?WhatifElidecidedthathedidn’twantme?
Itwasuntroddenterritory,andIfeltscaredandnauseated.
Calmdown,Itoldmyself,takingadeepbreath.Getyourselfhome.Takeadamnshower.
Tinysleepilyescortedmetothefrontdoor.Hestaredupatmewithsmall,hopefuleyes,andbeforeslippingout,Ifoundmyselfreachingout.Ittookmeaboutthreeattempts,butImanagedtoclumsilypathimonthehead—andshockingly,Ididn’tscrewitup.Histailswungindelight,andIsmiled.Maybetherewashopeforme,afterall.
Ididn’tnoticethesunriseuntilIwasinmycar.Ihadn’tseenoneinmonths,maybeyears,andthegoldenlightbeckonedmehomeandbathedthestreetinawarm,gentleglow.Myeyesburned,asthoughunabletocontaintheemotionsofthepastfewdays.Therehadbeenplenty,manyofthemconfusing,andIhadtohitmysternumwithmyballed-upfistbeforestartingthecar.
Iwasaboutfiveminutesfromhomewhenmyphonerang.
NewYorkCitywasonlyonehourahead,butNyotawasthekindof“workhard,playhard”personwhoseearlymorningswerelikelytobespentattheoffice—orstaggeringhomefromtheclub.Still,Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeI’dreceivedacallfromheratsuchanoddhour.
“IsTishaokay?”Iaskedwhenshepickedup.
“Ihopeso.Shebetternotbedead,becauseIhavezerotimetogoscatterherashesatsomemeaningfulbuthard-to-reachlocation.Ifthere’samountaintoclimboraboattorent,you’regoingtohavetotakecareofit.”
“Sure.”
“Nice.Considerthisalegallybindingagreement,becauseIwillholdyoutoit.”Shesoundedexceedinglysatisfied.“WereyouabletogivethosestatementstoHarkness?”
“Yes.It’sniceofyoutocheckonitat”—Iglancedatthedashboardclock—“sixforty-twoa.m.”
“Yeah,that’snotwhatthiscallisabout.What’sthatnoise?Areyoudriving?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,well…”Apause.Nyotasighed,andalarmtingledinmybelly.“Ithinkyoushouldpullover.Ihavesomethingveryimportanttotellyou,andit’sprettyfuckingatrocious.”35
Can’thavebothEli
Eliwassofuckinggiddy,evenhisowndamndogfoundhimirritating.
“Iknow,Iknow.Notideal,”hetoldTinyduringtheirmorningwalk,whenhekeptglancingbackwithaforlornexpression,asifwonderingwherehisnewfavoritehumanhadgone.“She’llcomeoveragainsoon.”
Hewascertainlygoingtotrytolureherbacktonight.Andmaybeitwasn’tgoingtobetoohard—becauseshe’dasgoodasacknowledgedthatshewantedtobewithhim.Heknewit,andRueknewit,too.Together,theyweredifferent.Unlikeanythingbefore—orafter,hesuspected.Andlastnightshe’dfinallygiventhemafightingchance.
“Justtrustme,”hetoldTinywhenthelovelornpuppyeyeswouldn’tstop.“Andstoppining.It’sundignified.”
Hismorningwasfullofoff-sitemeetings,andheglidedthroughallofthem.“Eli!Whydoyoulooksomuchbetterthanusual?”AntonaskedhimwhenhestrodethroughHarkness’slobby.Eliconsideredfiringhimonthespotattheimpliedinsult,butthepaperworkwouldhavedelayedhisreunionwithhisonetruelove:textingRue.
Whichwasdelayedanyway,whenHarkimpatientlygesturedhiminsidefromtheglasswindowofaconferenceroom.“Doyoueverpickupyourdamnphone?”heaskedbeforeElihadevenclosedthedoor.
“Notduringmeetings,no.”
“Whataboutwhenthemeetingsend?”
“Dependsonhowannoyingthecalleris.Areyouconductingasurveypertainingtohabitsaroundelectronicdevices,oristheresomethingyouneedtotellme?”
“It’saboutKline,”Minamisaid.EliglancedatherandSulforthefirsttime.Noticedtheirseriousexpressions.
Thetensionintheroomfinallycutthroughhisgoodmood.“Whathappened?”
“Thedocumentsyourgirlfriendgaveus,”Harksaid.Aminuteearlier,thewordswouldhavemadehimsmile.Hark’stone,though,gavehimpause.“Thelawyerswentthroughthem.”
“Already?”
“Notthattimeconsuming.Shesentpreciselywhatweneeded.”
Yup,thatwashisgirl.“And?”
Hark’smouthtwistedintoasmile.“Florence’sfucked,Eli.She’sunderwateronherratios,theauditedfinancialsmightaswellhavebeenwrittenincrayononadinermenu,andshe’sgotfifteenmaterialcontingenciesunderthecouchcushions.Butyouknowwhat’sfuckingbrilliant?”
Elishookhishead.
“Theinsolvencyclause.IfKlineisunabletomeetitsfinancialobligationsorpayoffitsdebts,thelenderwillbeabletoconvertthedebtintoequity—orclaimownership.”
“Weknewaboutthatalready.”
“Butwedidn’tknowhowbadoffKlinewas.Andthatit’snevergoingtobesolventbytheendofthesecondquarter.”
“That’sJunethirtieth,”Elisaidunnecessarily.Everyoneatthetablealreadyknew.
“Lessthanaweek,Eli.”Harkgrinned.“Wegotit.Wereallygotit.”
“There’smore,”Minamiinterrupted,soundingincongruouslycautious.Eli’sscalptingledinalarm.
“What?”
“So.”Shenibbledattheinsideofhercheek.“Florenceknowsshe’sindeepshit.ShemightevenknowthatRuegaveusthebooks—Idon’tknow.Butshe’sawarethatheronlychoiceistopaybacktheloanbeforethequarterends.”
“Doesn’tmatter,”Harkinterrupted.“There’snowayshecangatherenoughfunds—”
“Thereisn’t,”Minamiagreed,stilllookingatEli.“That’strue.Butthatwon’tstopherfromtrying,andsinceshe’sexhaustedmostofheravenues,theonlywayforhertogeneratecashisbysellingcompanyassets.”
Elipulledoutachairandsat—nexttoHark,acrossfromher.“Shecan’tsellthebiofueltech.It’sthecollateralfortheloan.Soifthat’swhatyou’reworriedabout—”
“That’snotwhatworriesMinami,”Sulsaid,andthetinglesharpened.Theenergyintheroomwasjustoff.Besidehim,Harkwasbuzzingwithexcitement.Theotherslooked,attheveryleast,preoccupied.“ThereareotherassetsFlorenceisshoppingaround.”
“Suchas?”
“Techfromsideprojects.SuchasRue’smicrobial-coatingpatent.”
“Shecan’t.IalreadyaskedRueaboutthat—shehasawrittenagreementwithFlorencethatshewillretainownershipofwhatevertech…”hetrailedoff.Minami’sandSul’slookswerepointedinawayhecouldn’tmisconstrue.“No.There’snoway.”
Minamijustnodded.
“Shehasacontract.”
“Thatwasneverratifiedbytheboard.”
Elipinchedthebridgeofhisnose.“Fuck.”HethoughtaboutRuelastnight,thelasttimethey’dhadsex.Herslow,gracefulmovementagainsthim.Herbreathlesslaughashelistedeverythinghelovedaboutherintoe-curlingdetail.Theserene,trustingwayshe’dfallenasleepinhisarms.
Hefeltqueasy.
“Thecontractisn’tworththepaperit’sprintedon,”Sulsaid.“Florencecansellthepatent,andshewill.Shehasabuyer.”
Theroomfellintoatensesilence.Elileanedforward.“IsRueaware?”
“Idoubtit.SheclearlydidnothavetheforesighttoconsultalawyerorwonderaboutFlorence’scharacter.Notverysmart,”Harkdrawled.Eli’sheadswungaround,readytofuckofftenyearsoffriendship,butwhentheireyesmet,Harklookedself-effacing.“Onceagain,sheremindsmeofthesethreeassholesIknow.”
“Howdoweknowaboutthebuyer?”
“Sheerluck,that’show,”Harksaid.“ThebuyerisNovaTech.AndHectorScotsville’sbrotherisCTOthere.ImetwithHectorthismorningtogooversomeagri-techshit,andhetoldmeaboutthisfuncoincidence,sincewe’reconnectedwithKline.”
“Fuck.”
“FlorencehasbeenshoppingaroundKline’stechsandcompoundsforthepastfewweeks.AccordingtoHector,themicrobialcoatingwasoffthetableuntilveryrecently.”
“FlorencemayknowthatRuegaveusthebooks,”Minamisaid.“Coulditbeapunishmentofsorts?”
“It’spossible.”Eliranahandthroughhishair.“Andtheydidhavea…confrontation.ItmighthaveconvincedFlorencetogoaheadandsell.Butwhothefuckbuysapatentthat’snotevenregisteredyet?WhydoesNovaTechevenwantit?”
“They’reapackagingsolutionscompany,”Sulsaid.
“Gettingridofthecompetition,then.”
Harkpattedhimontheback.“Goldstar.”
Elishookhishead.Thisday.Thisfuckingday.Ithadstartedsowell.Humbling,howbadithadbecomeallofasudden.“NovaTechisgoingtobuyRue’sworkofyears,andthenthey’lltrashitsotheycankeeponsellingtheirpackaging.AllbecauseFlorenceliedtoRuewithacontractthatwasneverlegallybinding.”
“Goodrecap.InfinitelyshittyofFlorence,butlegal.Seemstobehersweetspot,”Harksaid.“She’snotgoingtoraiseenoughfundstobuybacktheloan,notevenifshefindsabuyerforeverysinglepieceoftechatKline’sdisposal.Butthedeadline’scomingup,andit’llbefuntolielowandwatchherputupthesaddestlemonadestand—”
“We’renotgoingtodothat,”Elisaid.
Harkblinked.“Notgoingto…?”
“We’renotgoingtolielow.We’renotgoingtolethersellRue’spatent.Onceit’ssold,it’sgone.EvenifwelatergetcontrolofKline,wewon’tbeabletoreversethedeal.”
Sulstaredathimthoughtfully.MinamiandHark,though,justexudedacombinationofpuzzledandpitying.“Idon’tthinkit’swithinourpowertostopher,”shesaidgently.
Elistoodtopace.“Whatifwelayoutourcards?TellFlorencewehavethebooks.Weknowshe’sinbreach.Wecouldtrytonegotiatewithher—offerhermoretimeifshedoesn’tsellRue’spatent,forexample.”
“Hangonaminute.”Harkboltedtohisfeet,too.“Areyouhavingamassivestrokeyouforgottotellusabout?”
Elijuststaredathim.
“Becauseitsoundslikeyou’resayingthatweshouldgiveupourstrategicadvantage,anadvantagethatcouldputKlineinourhandsinamatterofweeks,tostopthesaleofRueSiebert’spatent.Rue’saverynicelady,nodoubt,butalsosomeonewe’veknownforaboutfivefuckingminutes,andI’mgladthatsleepingwithherisworkingoutwellforyou—”
“Hark,”Minamiadmonished.
“—butI’mnotsurethatjustbecauseyouaregoneforher,she’ssomeoneweshouldconsiderwhenmakingdecisionsthatwillaffectplansthatwereyearsinthemaking.”
“We’renotdoingitbecauseI’mgoneforher,”Eligrittedout.“We’redoingitbecauseit’sright.”
“Howisthisourgoddamnbusiness?”Harktookastepcloser.Elididthesame.“WeoweRueSiebertnothing.YouoweRueSiebertnothing.Youcan’ttellmethatyou’rewillingtojeopardizesomethingthatsentustohellandback,forher.Doessheevengiveashitaboutyou?”
“It’snotthedamnpoint.WhatFlorenceisabouttodotoherisexactlywhatshedidtousadecadeago.”
“Andsowhat?Forfuck’s—ifyouwantRuesobad,marryher.Makeherhaveyourbabies.Buyherahousewiththirtyroomsandaprivatelabwhereshecanfiddlearoundanddeveloptwentymoretechs.Butyoucan’tbuyherlovewithourdreams.”Harkhadbeenloud,buthisvoicedroppedbacktoamenacingtone.“Youcan’thaveboth,Eli.YoueithergetKline,orRue’spatent.Whichoneisit?”36
ThemosttragicstoryRue
Perhapsitshouldhavebeenirritating,thewayTisha’squestionstoNyotapiledontopofeachother,thesharpreplies,thesisterlybickering.Instead,Ifoundthefamiliarityofitreassuring,anchoringinawaynothingelsehadmanagedtobesincethismorning’scall.
“I’mjustsayingthatIdon’tunderstandhowacontractthathasbeensignedbybothpartiescanbenotvalid—”
“AndIamjustsayingthatsinceIacknowledgemylackofexpertiseonthematteranddon’tcometellingyouthatpipettesshouldbeshovedupyourass,youcouldfacetherealitythatyoudidnotgotolawschoolandextendmethesamecourtesy—”
“Ooooh,butofcourse,ifyou’resuchalegalhotshot,whydidyouonlynowrealizethatFlorence’scontractwasn’tbinding?”
“Because,andthisisgoingtoshockyou,Iamaprofessionalbankruptcylawyerwhoseprimarysourceofincomecomesfromchargingrichpeopleobsceneamountsofmoneyforverysmallamountsofmytime,andnotfromlookingovermyshittysister’sshittychildhoodfriend’sshittycontract.Iwillallowafewsecondsforyourmindtobeblown.”
“Listenhere,youshitty—”
“Ihadforgottenallaboutthecontractandmaderoominmybrainfor,Idon’tknow,stuffIneedtoknowtowincourttrialsorsomething—untilRuetoldmewhatFlorencedidtoHarkness.That’swhenIgotsuspicious—”
“Wasitmyfault?”Iaskedsoftly.Myofficeplummetedintosilence.
Bothsistersturnedtome—Tisha,worried,andNyota,uncharacteristicallywillingtoforsaketheusualroastinginfavorofsomeheartfeltsympathy.“No,”shesaidfirmlythroughFaceTime.“Well,yes.Butyouwereayoungacademic,whichoftentranslatesto‘appallinglyuneducatedinanythingthathasreal-lifeimplications.’Youprobablystillare,tobehonest.Uneducated,thatis.Notyoung.You’rebothdecrepit—”
“Whyareyoutakingthissowell?”Tishainterruptedher,frowningatme.“NotthatIexpectedhistrionicsortears,butthisisanexceptionalamountofresilience,evenforyou.”
Imademyselfshrug.SayingBecauseshedidthesametoEliandMinamifelttoodepressing
“Ifit’sanyconsolation,sinceFlorenceknewshedidn’thavetherighttogiveyouownershipofthetech,youcouldstillsueherforwhateverthecompanymakesonthesale,”Nyotasaidquietly.
ButIdidn’tcareaboutmoney,atleastasmuchasitwaspossibletonotcareafterhavinggrownupwithoutit.EvenasachildI’dknownthatthereasonIwasunhappy,hungry,lonely,wasnotthelackofmoney.Moneywasthemiddleman,thebrokerbetweenmymiserablelifeanddecentfood,clothes,opportunities.Opportunitiesthatwouldletmeleavehomeandbecomesomeoneelse.
Myproject,though,hadmeantsomething.I’dcradleditandnurturedit,believingthatitcouldmakeadifferenceforsomeoneoutthere.Butthecontractwasn’tvalid,becauseI’dtrustedthewrongperson.
Stupid.Juststupid
WasthishowElihadfeltallthoseyearsago?Thissoul-crushingcombinationofshame,resentment,andresignation?“Isthereanyway—anylegalway—formetomakethisright?”
“Maybe?”Nyotarolledherlips.“Probablynot,butI’mnotthebestpersontoadviseyou.I’mhappytohelphoweverIcan,butI’mnotapatentlawyer.IcanaskmyfriendLiam—he’swaymoreknowledgeable—buthejusthadababyandisonpaternityleave.”Shescratchedherhead,pensive.“IguessyoucouldconfrontFlorence,inthehopethatitwasanhonestmistake.Maybeshetrulygenuinelyforgotthefinalstepinthecontract,andshemightbewillingtorectify.Butit’salsopossiblethatbyconfrontingher,you’dbealertingherthatthepatentishers,whichshecouldusetoherownadvantage.Weshouldthinkthisthroughverycarefully,becauseamisstepcould…Rue?Whereareyou…Tish,wherethehellisyourweirdofriendgoing?”
Nyota’sandTisha’svoicesdriftedoutofearshotasIsteppedoutofmyofficeandstalkeddownthehallway.Iwasrarelyimpulsive,buttherewasnothingwellplannedaboutthewayIstrodeacrossKline,oraboutthesideofmyfistasIknockedonFlorence’sdoor.
“Notnow,”Florencecalledfrominside.
Iopenedthedooranyway.AndwhenInoticedthemansittingacrossfromher,inthechairIhadclaimedyearsago,myheartsank.
“Rue,”Florencewassaying,“I’minameeting.Couldyouplease—”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked.NottoFlorence.
Eli’ssmiledidn’treachhiseyes.“Solovelytoseeyou,Dr.Siebert.I’mexcellent,thanksforasking.You?”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Irepeated.
“Justchattingwithanoldfriend.”
MyeyesflittedtoFlorence,wholookedascollectedasalways—withtheexceptionofherrighthand.Itwasfistedaroundapencilsotightly,Iwonderedifitwasalreadysnappedintwo.“Eli,whatareyoudoing—”
“Here?Noneedtoconcernyourself,sinceI’mleaving.”Hestood.HissmiletoFlorencewassoulless,theoppositeoftheonesI’dbeenreceivingfromhiminthelastfewdays.“Youshouldwalkmeout,Rue.”
“IneedtospeakwithFlorence.”
“Ofcourse.Afterwecatchup.”Hecuppedmyelbow.“I’msureFlorencewillbehereallday,atyourservice.”
Shefrownedatbothofus.Asfarassocialsituationswent,thisonewasundecipherable.“Idon’tunderstandwhat’shappening,”Imurmured.
Thistime,Eli’ssmilewasmorehiskind,warmandteasing.Justforme.“Don’tworry,”hesaidgently.Then,turningtoFlorence:“Letmeknowbeforetonight.”Hepushedmeoutoftheofficewithahandbetweenmyshoulderblades,andbeforeIcouldaskmorequestions,he’dtakenmyhandandwasguidingmeintoanemptyconferenceroom.Inside,hedidn’tletgo.Hisfingersskimmedupmywristandclosedaroundmyupperarm.Hestaredatme,gulpingmein,andmychestheatedwithaterribleweight.
“Rue,”hesaidurgently,“IneedtoknowwhyyouweregoingtomeetFlorence.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI’maskingyou.”
“I…”Iswallowed.Openedmymouthtotellhim—andthenaterribletendrilofdistrustcurledinsidemybelly.He’swithHarknessThey’reabouttoownKline.They’reabouttoownyourpatent.“Whydoyouwanttoknow?”
Hiseyesnarrowedandheleanedin.“BecauseI’monyourside.Thatagoodenoughreason?”
Afterapause,Inodded.Itwastrue.Eliwasonmyside.Hehadbeen,overandover,afriendtome.Evenifthinkingofthatspecificwordinrelationtohimfeltatoncebanalandearthshattering.
Buthadn’tFlorencebeenmyfriend,too?I’dbeenwrongalotrecently.Iclearlyhadahistoryofputtingmytrustinthewrongpeople.
“Myproject,”Isaid.“Themicrobialcoating.”
“Florenceownsthepatent.”
Iblinkedathim.“Howdoyouknow?”Heheldmyeyesanddidn’treply,soIcontinued,“I…maybeshemeanttohavetheboardratifythecontractandforgot.Itmighthavebeenanoversight.I’lltalktoherand—”
“Comeon,Rue.”Hisfingerssqueezedmyarmgently,asiftocoaxmeawake.“Youknowitwasn’t.”
Iswallowed.“It’smyonlychoice,Eli.IhavetoaskFlorencetofixitandhopethatshewill.”
“Listentomecarefully.Florencehasbeensellingintellectualpropertytogatherfundstobuybacktheloan.Andshealreadyhasabuyerforyourtech.”
Mybloodpoundedinmythroat.Itwasover,then.“I…IneedtospeaktoNyota.”Iattemptedtoleave,butElididn’tletgo.
“No,youneedtolistentome.”Histonewasserious,butgentleandreassuring.Ifeltmyselfpanicanyway.
“Ijust—Ihavetodosomething.”
“Notrightnow.Rightnow,youneedtoletitbe.”
“Letitbe?”Iblinkedathimindisbelief.
“I’mworkingonthis,Rue,andIpromisethatI’mgoingtofixthisforyou.I’mgoingtomakesureyoukeepyourpatent.Inexchange,Ineedyoutopromisemethatyouwon’tconfrontFlorenceyetandthatyou’lllielowforacoupleofdays.I’minthemiddleofnegotiations,andit’simportantthatyoutrustme.”
Mypanicgrew.“I…areyouseriouslyaskingmetojustwaitanddonothingwhileshemightsellmywork?”
“Yes.Becausethereisnothingyoucando.”
“Butthere’ssomethingyoucando?”
“Thatiscorrect.”
Itookastepback,andhisgripslidtomyelbow.“Eli,youknowhowmuchthistechmeanstome.”
“Ido.Andyouknowhowmuchthebiofueltechmeanttome.”
Irecoiled.“Isthiswhat’shappening?Youwantmetogothroughwhatyouwentthrough?Some—somemessed-upcycleofthievery?”
“That’snotwhatI—”Heranafrustratedhandthroughhishair.“I’mgoingtotakecareofyou.I’mheretohelpyou.”
ButIfeltdizzierthanafteradoubletoeloop.Thingswerehappeningtoofast,andIcouldn’tkeepup.AllIcouldparsewasthefearthatmyworkwouldbetakenfromme.“HarknessisthereasonI’minthissituationtobeginwith,”Ipointedout.
Eli’sfacehardened.“Florenceisthereasonyou’reinthissituation.Harknessmayhaveprecipitatedit,butI’mnottalkingtoyouonbehalfofanyonebutmyself.You’rethescientistIcouldneverbe,andIrespectyouinfinitelyforthis,butthesekindsofdealsarewhatIknow.Letmenegotiateoneforyou.Letmetakecareofyou.”
Mybrainscrambledtoconsiderthepossibilities.ThiswasEli.Icouldtrusthim,right?
YoutrustedFlorence.
“How—howdoIknowthatyou’renotjustsayingthisbecauseHarknesswantstoownmypatent,too?”
Heseemedbrieflyonthebrinkofexasperation,butcompassionflickeredinhiseyes.“Iknowhowyoufeel.You’rewonderinghowthefuckyougotyourselfintothissituation.Whyyoutrustedthekindofpersonwhowoulddothistoyou.You’resecond-guessingeverysinglethingyou’vedoneinthelastfewyearsandwonderingifthereissomethingwrongwithyou.You’reangry,becauseFlorencewasyourfriend,andyoureliedonherformorethanjustasalaryorlabspace.Igetit.Believeme,Ihavebeenrightfuckingthere.”Helookedatmelikewewereontheedgeofacliff,andhewasaskingmetotakehishand.“Rue,IneedyoutoacknowledgethatI’mnother.”
“Eli,I…”Mythroatchokedup.Iwasconfused.Overwhelmed.Andhemusthaveknown,becausehisvoicebecameevenmoregentle.
“Hey.Yousaidityourself—youandI,we’renotjustfucking.”Hissmilewashopeful.Encouraging.“I’mhereforyou.Youcantrustme.”
ButcouldI?ShouldItrustanyone?Hadthereeverbeenatimeinmylifewhentrusthadnotendedindisappointment?AndwhyshouldElibedifferent?“Whywouldyou…whywouldyouevendothisforme?”
Hefinallyletgoofmyarm,andforasplitsecondIwonderedifhewas,atlast,fedup.Donewithme.Butitwaslessthanaheartbeat,andthenhewascloseagain,handscradlingmyface,thumbsswipingmycheeks,eyestetheredtomine.“Whydoyouthink,Rue?”
Iblinkedathim,lettinghisquestionfloatthroughmyhead,unabletograsptheanswerthatwasrightinfrontofme.Hewatchedmepatiently,waitingforaresponse,anyresponse.Andwhennonecame,Isawsomethingfadebehindhiseyes.
Heleanedin,tippinghisforeheadagainstmine,andtheclosenesswasheaven.“Wouldyoulikeastory,Rue?”
Iinstantlynodded.Ineededsomething—anything—thatwouldhelpmeunderstand.
“HarkandMinamibrokeupovertenyearsago,buthenevergotoverher.Never.Isimplycouldnotunderstandwhyhewouldn’tmoveonaftershesoclearlyhad.‘Couldnotbeme,’Ithought.Iwassosure.Andthen,Rue,Imetyou.Andyoucasuallycrackedmylifeintobeforeandafteryou.”Hislipscurved.Foramomenthelookedgenuinelyhappy.“OutofallthepeopleI’vemet,thethingsI’vewanted,theplacesI’vebeen,nonehaseverfeltasnecessaryasyoudo.BecauseIloveyou.IloveyouinawayIdidn’tthinkIwascapableof.Iloveyoubecauseyoushowedmehowtofallinlove.AndIdon’tregretit,Rue.Iwouldn’twantitanyotherway.Evenifyoucanneversayitback.Evenifyouneverthinkaboutmeagainaftertoday.Evenifyouwererightafterall,andyou’renotcapableoflove.”
Heletgoofme,andwewerebacktothecliff.ExceptthatmyhandhadslippedfromEli’s,andIwasfree-falling.Alreadybroken,orsoontobe.
“Isn’tthisthemosttragicstoryyou’veeverheard?”
Icouldn’tfindmywords,butitdidn’tmatter.Helefttheconferenceroomwithasinglenodthatfeltlikethedeepestoffarewells,andIstoodstillforalong,longtime,tryingtoconvincemybodytorememberhowtobreathe.37
ThefriendswemadealongthewayEli
Minamifoundhimsittingononeoftheswingingchairsonthebackporch,theonesMayahadboughtatayardsaleandrestoredtheprevioussummer,whenshe’dbeenbetweenundergradandhermaster’sandhadwantedarelaxingcraftprojecttofreehermind.Thesunwasonthevergeofsetting,ablendofblueandgoldandorangehues,andElithoughtitafittingwaytobookendthislong,messy,poignantdayinwhichsomanythingshadcometoaclose.
“Isn’tittoodisgustinglyhottobeoutside?”Minamiasked.
Hetippedhisbottleatherandsmiled.“Beer’sniceandcool.”
“God,I’mjealous.”
“Haveone,too.”
“Can’t.”
“Yeah,youcan.They’reinthefridge.”
“No,Eli.Ican’t.”
Hefrowned,confused.Thenitdawnedonhimallatonce,andhiseyesbuggedoutofhisface.“Holyshit.”
“Yup.”
“Areyoureally—”
“Yup,yup.”
“Whendidyou—shit.Whenyouweresick,youweren’treally—”
“Nope.Well,Iwaspukingmyheartout.Justnotforthereasonyouthought.”
Hehadn’tthoughtitpossible,notafterthelastfewhours,buthappylaughterburstoutofhim.Hestood,envelopingMinamiinabearhug.“Jesus.Wow.”
“We’resohappy,”shesaidagainsthisT-shirt.
“Ibet.”Heshookhishead,amazed.“You’regoingtobefantasticparents.Obnoxious,too.”
“Iknow.Andyou’regoingtobeagreatunclewhoconstantlyspoilsherandunderminesourauthority.”
Her.Minamicouldn’tpossiblyknowyet,buthelikedtheidea.“Iwouldsettlefornoless.”Hedrewback.Tookinhersmileandshiningeyes.“Weshouldcelebrate.Howaboutacoldbeer?”
“Fuckoff.”Sheploppedonhischair,sighinginpleasureasshesankintothesoftcushions.
“IthinkMayahasrootbeersomewhere.”
“Oh.Doyouhavevanillaicecream?”
“Maybe?”
“Iwouldgivemyfirstbornforafloat.”
“Nah.”Eliwavedheroff.“Keepher.”
Fiveminuteslaterhecamebackwiththefirstfloathe’dmadeinovertwodecades.Minamiaccepteditwithasmile,andashepulledupanotherchair,sheasked,“GuesshowpissedHarkis?”
“Aboutthebaby?”
“Oh,hedoesn’tknowaboutthatyet.”
“Planningtoputofftellinghimuntilyou’reinlaborinHarkness’sgender-neutralrestrooms?”
“Onlyifhewalksinwhileshe’scrowning.GuesshowpissedheisaboutthedealwemadewithFlorence?”
Eliexhaled.“I’massuminghe’ssharpeninghiskitchenknives.”
“Andyou’dbecorrect.”
Hetookthefirstsipofafreshbeer.Workwasgoingtobeshitforawhile.
“Unfortunately,he’snotshowingit,”Minamicontinued.“Iwishheragedatmeabit.Orcalledmenames.ToldmeI’matraitor,thatItookawayhisonemotivationinlife,thatIdeservewhatFlorencetookfromme.Youknow,thekindofover-the-topdramaticshithealwaysspoutswhenhebecomesangryandhisaccentgetsunintelligible.”
“I’mfamiliar,”hesaiddryly.
“Buthe’sjustsourpussing.Icilypolite.LikewhenItoldhimSulandIweregoingtogetmarried?Iwasbracingforanexplosion,andwhatIgotwasafour-hundred-dollartoaster.”
“Whatthefuck?”Eliliftedhiseyebrow.“Isitencrustedwithdiamonds?”
“No.Itlookslikethetwenty-five-dollartoasterIhadingradschool.”
“Fuckcapitalism,man.”Hesnorted.“Don’tworry,thistimearounditwasn’tyourdoing.I’mtheonewhoputRuebeforeKline.It’smehe’spissedat.”
“Iwasthedecidingvote,though.Isidedwithyou.”Shesuckedanimpressiveamountofsludgethroughherstraw.“HowdidyouknowthatIwould,bytheway?”
Thethingwas,hehadn’t.NotbeforeHarkhadaskedthemtoputthemattertoavote.WhathehadknownwasthatRuestoodtolosesomethingthatmeanttheworldtoher,andhewasn’twillingtoacceptthatwithoutafight.“YouknowwhatIthink?”hesaid.
“What?”
“ThatwhatnearlyhappenedtoRuewassosimilartowhatFlorencedidtous,I’mnotsurehe’dhaveallowedit,either.Hetriestoplaythepartoftheasshole,but…Ican’tseehimlivingwiththat.”
“Youthinkhecountedonustooverrulehim?”
Elishrugged.
“Wow.He’ssuchashithead.”
“Ican’tproveit.”
“Suchanallegedshithead.”
Elilaughed,andacomfortablesilencedescended,filledbycicadasandslurpingsounds.Untilsheaskedquietly,“Dowehaveadeal?”
Henodded.“Thelawyersarewritingitup.”
“Dotell.”
“Florencewon’tbesellingthepatent,oranyothercompanyasset.ThepatentwillbeRue’s.Inexchange,we’llforgivetheloan,andgetasixtypercentequityinKline.Theotherinvestorskeepthirty-five.”
“Andshegets…?”
“Fivepercent.Whichisfivepercentmorethanshedeserves.WeallowhertostayonasCEO.Wegetthreeofthefiveboardseatsandobserverrightsatboardmeetings.And,asabonus,Ithrewinalittlegift.”
“Whichis?”
“I’mnotgoingtokeyhercar.”
“You’reverygenerous.”
“AmI?”Hesighed,wonderingattheemptyacheinhischest,resistingtheurgetomassagehissternum,tothinkaboutRue.He’dknownwhatheneededfromherforawhile,butputtingitintowordshadprecipitatedthefeeling,amplifiedthewayeverysinglenerveinhisbodysimplywantedher.“MaybeI’mjustanidiot.”
“Nomaybesthere.Howwasit,talkingtoFlorenceface-to-face?”
Elirememberedherflushedfaceasheletherknowthattheyhadthebooks.Herbitternessandresignationastheyironedoutthekinksoftheirdeal.“I’dtriedtoimagineit,youknow?Howitwouldhappen.WhatI’dsaywhenIfinallyspoketoheragain.”
“Like,intheshower?Whenyouhavethoseforty-minuteconversationswithyourself?”
Hegaveherabaffledlook.“Howlongareyourshowers?”
“Anormallength,shutup.”
“Inmyenvironmentallyconscious,non-showerconversations,Iwasgoingtotellherhowincrediblyshittymylifehadbeenafterwhatshedid.Aboutmyparents,andMaya.HowIhadtotaketwominimum-wagejobsliterallythreedaysafteritallwentdown,andtheabsolutemortificationoffailingattheonethingIcaredabout.Iwasgoingtotakeeverysinglemomentofmiseryandangeranddesperationthethreeofushadinthepasttenyearsandthrowtheminherfaceandaskher…”
“?‘Areyounotentertained?’?”
Helaughed.“Somethinglikethat.HarkandItalkedaboutthisseveraltimes,mostlydrunk.Healwayssaidthathewantedtomakeherpay.Makeherfeellikeafoolforwhatshe’ddonetous.Andpartofmegetsit,butthebiggerpartjust…”
“Youjustwantedhertounderstandthehurtshecaused.Maybegetaniceapology.”
“Howdidyouknow?”
“Ijustknowyou.Adisgustinglyunpettyperson.”Sherolledhereyestheatrically.“Iswearyouneedclasses.”
“Idon’tknowaboutthat.BecausewhenIwasthere,withFlorence…Ijustpitiedher.Morethanalittle.”HelookedatMinami’sdarkeyes.Herfamiliar,belovedroundface.Theexpectanttiltofherchin.“She’saloneinthismessshe’smadeforherself.Shehasalwaysbeenherownpersonalendgame.Playedshadygames,wonshadyprizes.IfIhadn’tbeennegotiatingforRue’spatent,wecouldhavekickedheroutofKlinealtogether.Nofivepercent,noCEO.ButI’mnotevensurethatmatters,becauseeverythingsheownswasbuiltontopoflies,andshehasn’tchanged.Wehave,though.Andwe’vestoodbyeachother.”
“Well,Harkisprobablygoingtoneedacoupleofweeksofcoolingdownbeforeanymoreconsensualby-standingoccurs.”
“Uptoamonth.Butthepointis,everythingshehascanbetakenfromher.Whilewehavebuiltsomethingthat—”
“Pleasedon’tsaythattherealequityinthebiofueltechwasthefriendswemadealongtheway.”
Hesethisbeeronthesmallglasstableandlockedeyeswithher.“Minami,I’mgoingtoaskyoutogetoffmyporchandgofuckrightoff.”
SheletoutasoundthatElicouldonlydescribeasacackle.“SulsaysI’mfunny.”
“Sul’smorewhippedthanabowlofmashedpotatoes.”
“Don’tyouwhiskthose?”
“Maybe?”
“McKenziewouldknow.”
“Shewould.”
“I’lltexther.Also,he’sonlywhippedbecauseI’mfunny.”
“I’veneveronceseenhimlaugh.”
“Andthat’sthereasonhe’sinlovewithmeandnotwithyouImakehimlaugh.Intheprivacyofourhome.”
Elishookhishead.Ruemadehimlaugh,too.Shemadehimeagertodounspeakablethingsforjustonemoreminutewithher.Shemadehimcravethatcomfortable,expansivesilencebetweenthem.Ruemadehimstopandthink,andaboveallshemadehimyearnlikehe’dnotthoughthimselfcapableof,andhewantedtospendtherestofhislifecatalogingthewayssheshouldn’thavebeenrightforhim,andyetstillmanagedtobeperfect
Rueevisceratedhimandmadehimanew.Andifshedidn’twanttheproductofthat…
Well.Thatwasforhimtoaccept.
“Ifyouhadaskedmetwoweeksago,I’dhavetoldyouthattheonlyhappyendingtoourstorywaswithFlorenceoutofKline.Butnow…”Minami’slipscurvedinasmallsmile,herprofileasfamiliartohimashissister’s.“Wecontroltheboard—andthetech.Ithinkthewaythingsturnedoutmightbeforthebest.”
“Yeah?”
“WestartedHarknessoutofrevenge,andweletspitefuelus.Anddon’tgetmewrong,Idon’tregretourmulti-presidential-termrevengeplot.Butwehaveaccomplishedsomuchmoreand—”
“Gainedfriendsalongtheway?”
Shepunchedhisarm.“Wemakereallygoodmoney.Wegettoworkwithamazingscientistsandhelpthemdevelopamazingshit.Andfine,yes,wehaveeachother.Maybeit’snotwhatwe’denvisioned,butit’sgood.”Hereyesgleamedsuspiciously.“AndnowyouhaveRue.”
Eliglancedatthesunsinkingintothesycamoretrees.“IfRueiseverreadyorwillingtobehad.”
“Weallhaveshittoworkthrough.It’sjustamatteroftime.”
Hesaidnothing,lettinghimselffeelthetightknotinhisthroat,theachethatcamewithnotknowingwhen,ifhe’dseeheragain.He’dmadehismove,andhersilentreactionhadbeenloudandclear.Hershockedlookwhenhe’dtoldherthathelovedher.Unfortunately,thegapbetween“notjustfucking”and“wantingarelationship”waswiderthantheSargassoSea.“Idon’tknow.”
Minamireachedoutandclosedherhandaroundhis.“I’msorry.”
“Yeah.Me,too.”
“IswearI’mnottryingtobecondescending—”
“Whatapromisingstart.”
“—but,Iknowthiswholebeing-madly-in-lovethingisnewforyou,soI’mgoingtoimpartapieceofwisdomtoyou.Ready?”
“Goahead.”
“Noonediesofabrokenheart.”
Asoftlaugheasedoutofhim.“Goodtoknow,becauseitfuckinghurts.”Heletoutadeepbreath.“ThereissomethingIwanttodoforher.ButI’mnotsureshe’llacceptitifit’sfromme.”
Herlookwasconcerned.“Ithinkyou’vedoneenough,Eli.Shouldn’tyoukeepjustatinybitofdignity?”Itwasajoke,butEli’sreplywasserious.
“IwanthertobeallrightmorethanIwanttokeepmydignity.”
“Christ.”Minamigavehimanaghastlook.“Onsecondthought,youmightdiefromabrokenheart.”Shedrainedwhatwasleftofherfloatandsetherglassonthetable.“Okay,hitme.Whatdoyouneedthisfatigued,overworked,pregnantwomantodoforyou?”38
WeallhaveourbaggageRue
IdeliveredmynoticelettertoFlorenceinperson,thedayafterKline’slawyerssentmeaboard-ratifiedcontractthatgavemefullownershipofmyprovisionalpatent.ThedayafterdiscoveringwhatElihadgivenupinexchange.
Ididn’toweFlorenceaconfrontation.However,IrememberedwhatElihadsaidaboutclosure.Myconfidenceinmypeople-judgingskillswasatanall-timelow,butiftherewasanyoneIcouldtrust,itwasEli.Iknewthatnow,andI’dknownbeforehe’dmadeitpossibleformetoholdmynewcontractinmyhands.
I’dfuckedup.Big-time.Butvulnerabilityhadatimeandaplace,andameetingwithFlorenceKlinewaslessthanideal.
“Doyouhaveanythinglinedup?”Florenceaskedme,staringatanundefinedspotonmyforeheadfromacrossherdesk.Shelookedpale.Exhaustionhadcarveddeeplinesthatbracketedherlips,darkenedthecirclesaroundhereyes.
“Justinterviews.Nextweek.”I’dlinedupfourbyreachingouttogradschoolacquaintances,myPhDadviser,arecruiter.Ididn’tlovechange,andswitchingjobswasnevergoingtobeeasyforme,butitwasunavoidable.
“Good.”Florencenodded.“Doyouneedreferences?”
“Iputdownsomeoneelse.”
Aninfinitesimalwince.“Right.”Sherubbedtheheelofherpalmonhertemple.“AmIcorrectinassumingthatTishawillfollowyou?”
Shewas.“You’llhavetoaskher.”
Shesighed.“Rue.Ihadnootherchoice.Yougavethemthebooksandputmeinthepositionofhavingtosell—”
IhadnointentionoflisteningtoFlorence’sjustifications,soIstood.“Thankyouforeverything,”Isaid,meaningit.“I’llgetbacktowork.WillyouletHRknow,orshouldI?”
“I’lltakecareofit.”Herlipsthinned.“Forwhatit’sworth,Iamsorry,Rue.Icaredaboutthem,andIwouldn’thavehurtthemifithadn’tbeenabsolutelynecessary.AndIcareaboutyou,whetheryoubelieveitornot.”
“Ibelieveit.Youjustcareaboutyourselfmore,andthat’syourright.I’drathernotsurroundmyselfwithsomeonewho’llhurtmejusttogetahead,andthat’smine.”
Hereyeshardened.“Thentherewillbenoonelefttosurroundyourselfwith,Rue.”
Ishruggedandwalkedout,thinkingthatshewaswrong.ThinkingaboutEli.
IhadlunchwithTisha,andbycommonagreementwedidn’tmentionFlorenceonce.We’dspentdaysdissectingeverysingleredflag,everymissedclue,everymisstep,andwewereexhausted.Twohourslater,whilefinishingupareportforMatt,IreceivedanemailfromKline’sHR,lettingmeknowthatIwasbeingterminatedstartingthefollowingweek.
Becauseyourpositionhasbeenterminated,youareeligibleforaseverancepackagethatamountstoonemonth’sworthofsalaryforeachyearyouworked.
Isatbackinmychair,staringatTisha’scalendar.ForthefirsttimesincefindingoutaboutwhatFlorencehaddone,Iallowedasplinterofsadnesstopiercethroughmyanger.I’dlostafriend,whenIhadveryfewtosparetobeginwith.
Icareaboutyou,too,Florence.
Ileftmydeskatfiveo’clock.Intheparkinglot,whilerummagingthroughmybagforapairofsunglasses,Iheardsomeonecallmyname.MinamiwasleaningagainstthebumperofagreenVolkswagenbeetle,andmysingle,all-obscuring,fight-or-flightreactiontoseeingherwas:Eli
Eli,Eli,Eli
Itwaslikeaburstoffirethroughmyveins,ajoltingreminderofwhatI’dbeentryingtocometotermswithforthebetterpartofaweek.Myhandstrembled,andIstuffedtheminthebackpocketsofmyjeans.
“Hi!”Minamigrinned.“Howareyou?”
Ittookamomentformetocalmdownenoughtosay,“Good.You?”
“Good!I’mnotgoingtotakeuptoomuchofyourtime,butIwantedtogiveyouthis.”Sheheldoutadocumentfoldedinaplasticcase.Iaccepted,butmusthavelookedconfused,becausesheexplained,“It’sacontractthatdetailsyourpaymentplanfortheotherhalfofyourhouse.House?Itwasahouse,right?Iforget.Anyway,wehadourlawyersgetintouchwithyour…brother?Ionceagainforget.”
Mypulseflutteredinmythroat.“Whatdoesitmean?”
“Well,nothingifyoudon’tsignit.Butourlegalteamworkedasamediator,foundestimators,andmadesureyoucouldreachanagreementforapaymentplan.Samethingyou’dhavegottenaroundtodoingeventually.”
“How?”
Sheshrugged,likerealestatejurisprudencewasasobscureasnecromancytoher.“Wehavereallygoodlawyers.Andthey’reonthepayrollanyway.Wemightaswellmakeuseofthem.It’llsaveyoutimeandmoney.Andno,Elididn’ttellmethestorybehindallthis.I’mnotallupinyourbusiness.”
“Didheaskyoutodothis?”
Itwasastupidquestion,butMinamididn’tpointitout.“Hedidn’twanttoputyouinanuncomfortableposition,ormakeyouthinkthatyouowehimsomethingorfeelpressuredinto…datinghim?Goingwithhimtosexclubs?Notsurewhatyouguyshavebeenupto.”
Ifrowned,thinkingthatifElithoughtthatIcouldbepressuredintodatingsomeone,perhapshedidn’tknowme.Minamilaughed.“What?”Iasked.
“Nothing.Just,hesaidsomethinglike,‘Notthatshe’sthetypewhocanbepressuredintodoinganythingshedoesn’twantto,’andyourfacetellsmeheprobablywasright,and…”Minamilaughedsomemore,andwavedherhand.
“Iknowwhatyoudid,”Isaid.
“WhatIdid?”
“Harkness.Theloanforgiveness.Itwasatradeformypatent,wasn’tit?YouletFlorencestayonasCEO.YougaveupyouradvantagesothatIcouldkeepmypatent.”
“Well,yes.Butalso…”Minamisighed.“Wehavetheboard.Andwe’refreeofthishorriblethingthathappenedtenyearsago.Wedidgetclosure,andmaybeitwasn’ttheperfectcirclewethoughtwe’dbegetting—morelikeaverysquigglyline.Wecanallmoveon,andIdon’tmindthat,notatall.”
“Thankyou,then.”Ilookeddownatthecontract,whichwasprobablytheonlyclosureI’dgetwithVince.Amessy,squigglylineindeed.ButmaybeIcouldmoveon.“Andthankyouforthis.”
“Noproblem.Justletthelawyersknowifyou’reokaywithitandthey’llfinalizeit.”
Inodded,andclosedmyeyes,thinkingaboutEliaskinghislawyerstodothis.Onthephoneafterhours,sittingatthetableinhiskitchenwithTinycurledathisfeet.Saying,Ihavea…friend.Whomightneedhelp.Eliworrying.Elicaringenoughto—
“Youokay?”Minamiasked.
“Yeah.Ishe…?”
“Eli?”Minamihesitated.“Notathisbest,buthe’llbefine.I’mnottellingyouanyofthistomakeyoufeelbad.Iknowwhatit’slikewhensomeoneyoucareaboutisinlovewithyouandyoucan’treciprocatethefeeling.It’smessy,andyoufeelguilty,and—”
“That’snotit,”Iblurtedout.Itwassouncharacteristic,thisunsanctionedexitofwordsfrommymouth,thatIalmostcouldn’trecognizemyvoice.“That’snotwhatitis,”Iadded,outwardlycalmer.Theinsideofmewasburningwithsudden,petrifyingheat.
Minami’sheadtilted.“Youdon’tfeelguilty?”
Iswallowed.“It’snotthatIdon’t…reciprocate.”
“Oh.”Minamilookedaround,befuddled.Strokedherflatstomachafewtimes.“Um.Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”
Icouldbarelyexplainittomyself,theprofoundpanicthathadseizedmewhenElihadtoldmethathelovedme.Theimmediate,soul-crushingcertaintythatifIletmyselftakewhathewasoffering,Iwouldundoubtedlydisappointhim.Andthen,whenhe’dwalkedoutofthatconferenceroom,thelossstabbingatmybelly.Ihadmajorlyfuckedup,andIknewthat,butthehowsandwhysofatoningforitweresomethingIwasstillintheprocessofanalyzing.Meanwhile,theinsideofmewastenderandbruisedlikeapulledmuscle.“Notreally,no.”
Minamilaughed,relieved.“Okay.Well,then…”Sheshruggedandreachedforthedriver’sdoor,butstoppedmid-motion,asthoughacrucialpieceofinformationhadoccurredtoher.“Ihavenoideawhatisgoingonbetweenyoutwo.AndIonlyknowyouverysuperficially,soImightbeoffthemark.ButifwhatpromptedyoutobreakitoffwithEliisnotlackofinterest,andwhatyou’reworriedaboutismoresomewhereintherealmof…”Shegesturedinchoately,likeaveryenthusiasticpainter.“Younotbeinggoodenoughforhim,ornotbeingsurethatwhatyoucanofferhimisworthwhile,orjustbeingafraidthatnavigatingarelationshipwithhimmightbetoocomplicated,youmightwanttogivehimacall.Weallhaveourbaggage,andEli’snotthetypetoholdanyone’sagainstthem.Although,onmyend,itwouldbebetterifitdidn’tworkoutbetweenyoutwo.”
Iblinked.“Itwould?”
“IlovethenameRue.BigHungerGamesfanhere.”Shepointedatherabdomen.“Ifshe’sagirl,andsheisagirl,I’mseriouslyconsideringit.”
IglanceddownatMinami’sbelly.Wasshe…?
“ButifyouendupinEli’slife,itmightjustbetooconfusing,so…”Minamigavemeabrightsmileandgotintohercar,muttering,“Boy,amIselfless.”Iwatchedherleave,wavingweaklyasshedrovepastme,andallowedherwordstoringinmyearslongintothenight.39
Meanttobe,orsomeshitEli
Thefirstthinghethoughtwhenhesteppedinsidethefaintlylit,emptyrinkwas:Fuck
Becausetherinkwas,infact,notempty.Whichmeantthatthetriphadbeenawaste.
Hesighedandstoppedinthehallway,hanginghisskatesonhisshoulderandcheckingthetextDavehadsentearlierthatday.
Nopracticetoday.AlecandIareout,butfeelfreetostopbytherinkandletyourselfinifyoulike.
Exceptthatthelightsundertheicewereclearlyon.Themetallicscrapeofbladesagainsttheicewasclearlyaudible.Andthen,oncethehallwayended,hecouldclearlyseeher.
Her.
Glidingsmoothlywiththekindofetherealeleganceonlypeoplewho’dlivedhalftheirlivesontheicecouldachieve.Circlingtherinkinaswoopingloop.Comingtoafluidstopthesecondshespottedhimandthenjustlooking,eyesdarkinthegentlelight,softcurvesturnedintosharpanglesbytheverticalshadows,pitch-blackclothesadramaticcontrastwithherpaleface.
Elicouldrecognizeasetupwhenhesawone,justlikeheknewthevalueofastrategicretreat.Andyetheclosedthedistancebetweenthemuntilallthatseparatedthemwasathinplexiglassbarrier.Andthemillionthingsheneededfromherthatshemightneverbewillingtogive.
“Whatisthis?”heasked.Hehadn’theardfromherinoveraweek,andhersilencefollowingtheirlastconversationhadbeenanswerenough.Itwasn’therfaultifshedidn’twantwhathewanted—infact,itwaspartofwhathe’dfallenfor,themessiness,theunflinchinghonesty.Buthedidneedsomespacetocometotermswithwhattherestofhislifewouldlooklike.
“Rue,”heaskedagain,atouchimpatient.“What’sgoingon?”
“Wouldyouliketoskate?”
Hiseyebrowrose,butherexpressionremainedsphinxlike.“DidDaveputyouuptothis?”
“No.ButIdidaskhimtotextyou.”
“Why?”
“Please,Eli.Willyouputthoseon”—shepointedathisskates—“andjoinme?”Shelookedcalm,butitwasthefastesthe’deverheardherspeak.
“Ithoughtweagreedthatskatingtogetherisnotwhatourrelationshipisabout?”
“Please,”shesaidsoftly.Becauseeverything,everythingaboutherwassoft,evenherhardshell,andinsteadofwhathisresponseshouldhavebeen—Rue,I’lldowhateveryouask,butpleasetakepityonmebecauseIdon’tknowifIcantakemoreofthis—hepeeledoffhisshoesandtiedhisskates,steppingintotherinkwithoutbotheringtohidethetensioninhismuscles.
Hewasontheice,hisfirsthome.Standingacrossfromthewomanheloved,whoseresponsetohimdeclaringhislovetoherhadbeen—nothing.Nothingatall.Asmuchashewantedtohopethatshe’dluredhimheretoannouncethatshecouldpossiblyseeafutureinwhichshelovedhimback,itwasmorelikely—
Oh,shit.Heknewthereasonshe’dwantedhimhere.Shewasgoingtospendthenexttwentyminutesdutifullyspellingouthergratitudetowardhimforhelpingherfixherpatentsituation.
Ifsheofferedhimathank-youblowjob,hewasgoingtowaillikeafuckingbaby.
“You’rewelcome,”hepreempted.
Rue’sglancewasconfusedinthejaggedsilence.
“That’swhywe’rehere?Soyoucanthankmeforthepatent.”
Shebitintoherlowerlip,andEliwouldhavedrainedhisbankaccounttobuytherighttopullitfromherteethwithhisthumb.“IsupposeIshoulddothat,yeah.Canwe…?”Shegesturedattheice.
Sure.Whynot.Iftheyskatedsidebyside,hewouldn’thavetolookatherwhileshetoldhimhowmuchsheappreciatedhishelpfulassistance.
“Ishouldhavetextedyou.Ididn’tmeantoambushyou.”Theywerealreadymovinginunison.Liketheyweremeanttobe,orsomeshit.“Butyouwantedtoskatetogether,andI…Ithoughtyoumightappreciateagrandgesture.”
“Yeah?”Heshookhishead.“NotsureyouandIaregrandgesturetypes,Rue.”
“Andyetyou’vedonesomanyforme.”
“HaveI?”
“Overandover.”Shelaughed,silent.“Youprettymuchstoleallmyoptions.Idon’tknowhowtodosomethingthatisevenremotelylikereturningyourmostprizedpossessiontoyou.You’vesetmeupforfailure.”
Thiswasnice.Lovely,even.ButgratitudewasthelastthingEliwantedfromher.“Iappreciatethis,Rue.Really.ButIdidn’tdothistohearhowthankfulyouare—”
“Well,it’salot.Butsinceyoualreadyknow,wecanskipthatpartandmoveontothenexttopic.”
Thankfuck.“Whichwouldbe?”
“Anapology.”Hervoicewaslimpid.Shesurprisedhimbyflippingaroundandskatingbackwardinfrontofhim,asifeyecontactwithhimwascrucialforwhatshewasabouttosay.“Youaskedmetotrustyou,andItreatedyoulikeyouwerethekindofpersonwho’dscrewmeover,evenwhenyou’vebeennothingbuttruthfulwithme.Mybehaviorneverreflectedthat.So,I’msorry,Eli.”
Theapologywas,ifpossible,moredepressingthanthegratitude.“Rue,youhadjustfoundoutaboutFlorence.Ithinksometemporarylackoffaithinhumankindistobeexpected.”Hesmiledreassuringlyandstoppedwithaprecisemovement.Sodidshe,justahandfuloffeetahead.“Ifyoudon’tmind,I’mgoingtoheadhome—”
“Ido.”
Hecockedhishead.“Excuseme?”
“Idomind.Ihavemorethingstosay.”Elifeltaburstofwarm,tentativehope,untilsheadded,“Whatyoudidforme,withmybrother.”
Hereallyneededtostopfoolinghimself.“Thatwasthelawyers,butI’llhappilypassalongyourthanks.Haveagood—”
“Stop.”Herfingersclosedaroundthesleeveofhisshirt,tuggingatit.Hefeltherknucklesbrushagainsthisskin,hertouchaselectricasever.“Please,Eli.Letmespeak.Fiveminutes.”
Shesoundedmorevulnerablethanever,andwasbeautifulinawaythatmadehislungsstruggletoholdontoair,and—whatthehell.Maybebeingnearherwasasharpache,butlovingsomeoneandsayingnotothemdidn’tseemtogowelltogether.Hecouldgiveherfiveminutesoutoftherestofhislife.Hecouldgiveheranything.“Ofcourse.”Hebeganskatingagain.
Sodidshe,thistimebyhisside.“I…”Shewassilent.OpenedhermouthwithacouplemorefalsestartsthatwerenotliketheRueheknewatall.Andthen,whenhewasabouttoprodher,finallysaid,“CanItellyouastory?”
“Youcantellmewhateveryouwant,Rue.”
Shenodded.“Iusedtothinkthatendingscouldbehappy,orsad.Thatstoriescouldbehappy,orsad.Thatpeoplecouldbehappy,orsad.AndIalwaysfiguredthatmyending,mystory,me,wouldalwaysfallinthelatter.”
Heitchedtotakeherinhisarms,butlethercontinue.
“ButthenImetyou.Andyoumademewonder,fortheveryfirsttime,iftherewasaflawinmyreasoning.Maybepeoplecanbehappyandsad.Maybestoriesaremessyandcomplicated.Maybeendingsdon’talwaysincludesolutionsthattieeverythingtogetherinabow.Butthatdoesn’tmeanthattheyhavetobetragedies.”
“I’mgladyouthinkthat.”Hereallywas.Shemayhaverobbedhimofhispeaceofmind,buthestillwantedhertohavehers.Onemorefaulttoaddtothehumblingbusinessoffallinginlove,hesupposed.Distracting.Fuckedup.Self-annihilating.Sweetandexcruciatingatthesametime.
“Butyousaidthatitwas.”Herexpressionwassolemnandserious,sointenselyRue,hefeltitrightinhisbones.
“I’msorry,I’mnotfollowing.”
“AtKline.Intheconferenceroom.”Herthroatbobbed.“Yousaidthatweweretragic.”
Ah.Theywererehashinganddissectinghisfailedlovedeclaration.“Ididn’tmeanto—”
“AndIwantyoutoknow,wedon’thavetobe.Becausetragedieshavesadendings,andwedon’thavetohaveone.Wedon’tevenhavetobeover.”
Eli’spaceontheiceremainedsteadywhilethewordspenetratedhisfrontallobe.“Wedon’thavetobeover,”herepeatedslowly,reluctanttolethishopecolorherwordswithmeaningsthatweren’tthere.“Thelasttimewetalked,Rue,Ithoughtthatmaybewe’dneverevenstarted.”
“AndI’msorryImadeyoubelievethat.Ithink…”Sheshookherhead.Carriedonskatingwiththatunimpeachablepostureandhard-earnedgrace.“Youknow,Ithinkthesexisabigpartoftheproblemsbetweenus.”
“Thesex?”
“Yeah.”
Hesnortedoutalaugh.“Rue,ifthereisonesinglethingthatwasneveraproblembetweenus,itwasthesex.”
“That’snotwhat—itwasgood.AndI’dlovetohavemoreofit.”Shebitintoherlip.“ButitovershadowsotherthingsIwanttodowithyou.Talking.Listening.Justbeingaroundyou.It’ssonewtome,tocravesomeone’spresence.WishingIcouldrunsomethingbyyou.Havingmealswithyou—thatyoucookforme,preferably.”
Bloodroaredhopefullyinhisears.“Soyou’rerecruitingcheapkitchenlabor,”hemurmuredtomuteit.Shewasgivinghimverylittle.He’dtoldherthathelovedher,andshewasadmittingtoenjoyinghiscompany.
MaybeElihadnodignity,buthe’dtakeit.
“Icanactuallycooksatisfyinglywell—”
Withapushofhisskates,Eliblockedherpathandcameface-to-facewithher.Ruenearlycrashedintohim,herhandsgrippinghisbicepsforbalance.
Thisclose,hecouldcountthespikesofhereyelashes.Watchhertremblinglipsastheypressedtogether.
“Whatdoyouwant,Rue?”heasked.
“I’mtryingtoarticulateit,butI’mnotverygoodatit.”
“Noway.Really?”
Herpalecheeksflushed.
“Saywhatyouwanttosay,anddoitnow,”heordered.“Youhavetwominutes.”
Shewastedthirtysecondsjustglancingaroundtherink,searchingforwhothefuckknewwhat,andEli’sstomachbegantogrowheavywithdreadthathe’donceagainreadtoomuchintotoolittle.Butsheeventuallytookadeepbreath,andwhenshespoke,hertonewassolidandassured.“IthoughtIcouldneverbehappy.Butwithyou,Eli…IhaveneverfeltthewayIdowithyou.Never.AndIthinkthat’swhyittookmesolongtoputwordstoit.”
Hisheartbeatinhisthroat.“Whatwords?”
“Safe,”shesaid.
Heforcedhimselftoremainsilent.
“Andaccepted.”
Moresilence.Harder,thistime.
“Andenough.”
That,hecouldn’ttake.“Rue.Youhaveneverbeenanythingbutenough.”
Sheglancedaway.Thebackofherhandrosetowipeathercheek.
“Andsomethingelse.SomethingIdidn’thavethelanguagefor.Itwasgrowingbetweenus,andIdidn’tknowhowtonameit.EvenwhenIcouldfinallyimaginelifeassomethingshared.EvenwhenItrustedyou.Evenwhenmymindwasalwaysfullofyou.Therehadneverbeenanyonelikeyou,andforalongtimeIdidn’thavetheword.”
“Whatword?”
“Love.”
Theworldstopped.Tippedover.Returnedtoitsoriginalstate—butbrighter.Sharper.Sweeter.
Perfect.
“Ifyoustillwantmetoloveyou,IreallythinkIcanloveyouback.BecauseIalreadydo.”Twotearsstreakedhercheekbones.“Andifyoudon’t,IguessI’llbelovingyouanyway.Butifyouweretogivemeanotherchance—”
“Jesus.”Hewantedtolaugh.Hewantedtospinheraround.Hewantedtoaskhertomarryhimrightnow,beforeshecouldchangehermind.
Herjawworked.“Isthatanoonthatsecondchance?”
“God,you’resofucking…”Heshookhishead,andthencagedhersbetweenhishands,leaningcloser.Breathinginherscent.“Iloveyou,Rue.Youaretheonlychancethereis.”
Hereyesshonebright.“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”Hefeltabone-deep,chest-warmingamountofjoy—likeshe’dtakenaknifefromhisheartandplaceditbackinherdrawer.Shestillhadthepowertodestroyhim.Alwayswould,hesuspected,holdhiminthepalmofherhand.
Hehopedshe’dbemerciful.
“Doesthismeanthatwe’regoingtobedating?”sheaskedsolemnly.Hermouthstruggledtoshapethatlastword.Hecouldn’thelppressinghisthumbagainstherfulllowerlip.
“Itmeansthat…”Thatyou’remine,theuncivilizedpartofhimscreamed.ThatI’mgoingtotakeyouandhoardyou.“I’mgoingtobeopenwithyou,becauseIwasn’talways,andthatwasamistake.Okay?”
Shenodded.
“ItmeansthatI’mnotgoingintothisthinkingthattherewillbeanending.Doyougetmymeaning?”
Shenoddedagain.
“AndI’mgoingto—I’mgoingtowanttoseeyoueveryday.I’mgoingtolearnmoredishesandpackyourlunchandwritecutelittlenotesonit.I’mgoingtoaskyouifyouwanttosleepatyourplaceormineandalwaysassumethatwe’respendingthenighttogether.I’mgoingtothinkaboutyouallthedamntime.I’mgoingtoassumeI’mwateringyourplantswhenyou’reoutoftown.I’mgoingtoholdyourhandinpublic.I’mgoingtokissyouinpublic.I’mgoingtoorganizesurprisepartiesforyouwithyourfriend.I’mgoingtosendahundredtextsperdaywithstupidonlineshitIthinkyoushouldsee.Clingyasfuck,Rue.Canyoudoit?Canyoulivewithmeasyourboyfriend?”ThewordseemedasreductiveasdatingFornow,hetoldhimself.Forashortwhile.
“Iamreallybadatreplyingtotexts.”
“Iknow.”
“AndIdon’tlovesurpriseparties.”
“Iknow.”
“Buttherest…”Shesmiledagainsthisthumb.“Yes,please.”
Heleanedintoherear.“I’mgoingtodothefilthiestthingstoyou.”
Herbreathhitched.“Youdohavearidiculoussexdrive.”
“Sodoyou.”
“SodoI.”
Hepulledback,anditwasherturntopressasoftkissagainsthisthumb,evenifhereyeswereseriousasshewarned,“I’llneverbeeasytobearound,Eli.”
Heknewthat.Helovedthat.Hewantednothingmorethantolearneveryinchofher,hiscomplicated,mercurialdreamgirl.
Heleanedinforakiss.Butbefore,hesaid,“Icanimagineworsefates.”Epilogue
Rue
Oneyearlater
Myvoicewasmuffledbythepillow,dampenedbymyowngrittedteeth,butIhatedhowreedyanddesperateitstillsoundedwhenIsaid,“Ihatethis.”
“Really?”Eliremainedmotionlessinsideme,buttheheelofhispalmtracedeveryknobofmyspine,soothingmytremors.Itmadenodifference,becausehisotherhandwasbusypinningmywriststothemattress.“BecauseIamintoit.”
Ofcoursehewas.
Hehadcome.
Twice.
Insideme,whereverstruckhisfancy.
I,however,hadnot.Ithadbeenhours,andIwasatrembling,unsatisfiedmess.Hegotlikethat,sometimes—pushyandoverbearingandeverywhere,andIjustcouldn’t…
Igroanedintothepillow.
“You’rereallynotenjoyingyourself?”hewhispered,thistimeagainstmyear
“I’mnot,”Ilied.
“Mypoorgirl.”Hecluckedhistongue,andIwasgoingtokillhim.Assoonasheletgoofme.Andletmecome.“Whyisthat?”
Because.
“Isittoomuch,Rue?”Henuzzledthecurveofmythroat,andthemovementmadehimsurgedeeperinsideme.Iwasswollenandused,anditfeltsogood,Imightcry.Infact,Iwasalreadytearingup.“Isitbroccoli,baby?”
“No!No.It’sjust…”
“Just?”
Icircledmyassagainsthisgroin,andhismuted,amusedgruntendedwithhimgrippingmyhipboneandholdingmestill.Asshole.
“Whyareyougrindingagainstme,sweetheart?”Hekissedtheballofmyshoulder.“Webothknowthatyoucan’tcomeinthisposition,anyway.”
“Thenwhydon’tyoujustletmemove?”
“BecauseIcancomeinthisposition.AndI’mtryingtosavemyselfforyou.”
Iwhimpered—halfplea,allfrustration.“Please.Ineedyouto—”
“Iknowexactlywhatyouneed.”Hismouthonmyearlobewas,briefly,allteeth.“Youdon’thavetotellme.”Hetsked.“Comeon,Rue.I’moffended.”
“Thenwhydon’tyou—”
“BecauseI’mhavingfun.Wantmetostop?Justsaythewords.”
Icouldhave.Icouldhavetoldhimtoputanendtothis.I’ddoneitbefore,whenithadbecometoomuch,whenI’dfeltlikeIwasgoingtosquirmoutofmyownskin,andhe’dstoppedwithoutaskingquestions.Iletmyselfcontemplatethepossibility:Eliturningmearound,makingmecomewithhismouth,rockingmeinhisarmsforlongminutes,untilIpushedhimawayorfellasleep,whatevercamefirst.
ButasmuchasIhatedthis,Ilovedittoomuchtogiveitup.AndwhywouldIaskhimtostopwhenIhadotherwaysofgettingwhatIwanted?Abitdirty.Manipulative,maybe.Butresourceful.Iknewexactlywhatthewordswoulddotohim,andmumbledthemintothepillowtomyownadvantage.
Elistilled.
Leanedhisforeheadbetweenmyshoulderblades.
Asked,“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
ThistimeIliftedmyhead.Enunciatedclearly.“Iloveyou.”
Itchangedeverything.Ifelthimshudderinsideme.Tightenhisgriparoundmyhipbone.Takeadeep,brokenbreath.Excitementbubbledwithinhim—twelvemonthsin,andthewordshadn’tworndownyet.
“Okay,youknowwhat?”
Ishookmyheadagainstthepillow,shivering.
“IthinkI’mdoneplaying.Iwanttolookatyou.Let’sjust…”Heletgoofmywrists.Turnedmearound.Itwasalittledizzying,howquicklyeverythingchanged.
Hiseyeswerelockedwithmine.
Hiskissesweredeep.
Hisarmsclosedaroundmywaisttoscoopmeup.
Hewasinsidemeagaininamatterofseconds,relentlesslydeep,butitfeltcompletelydifferentfrombefore.Thistime,neitherofushadanywheretohide.Thisway,thiswayIreallycould—
“Hi,”hetoldmewithasmilethatIcouldn’tphysicallyreturn.
Instead,Isolemnlyreplied,“Hi,”andthenhewasmovinginsidemeandwhisperingsweetthingsinmyear,abouthowperfectIwas,howmuchhelikedme,thesheerimprobabilityofmybeauty,andthatheknew,hefuckingknewwhatI’ddone,buthewasalwaysgoingtoletmegetawaywithit,becausehelovedtohearitsomuch.Andthenhisfingersfoundmyclit,anditwasallover.Iwascomingthistime,andhewasholdingstillandthengroaningandfallingapartwithme.Again
“Whatareyouthinking?”heaskedafterward,thesweatcoolingonourskin,hisheartasteadybeatundermyear.
Ifeltmylipstwistinashadowofasmile.“Thatthiswasareallynicewaytostartourvacation.”
Mylifemighthavechanged,butIhadn’t.Whichwasn’taproblem,becauseEliseemedtobeokaywiththewayIwas—andthatwasthat.
WheneverI’dimaginedmyselfinarelationship,I’denvisionedanexhaustingseriesofsocialniceties,facadestometiculouslykeepup,chitchatthatIwasn’tsureI’dbeabletoproduceevenunderduress.Eli,unsurprisingly,requiredverylittleofthat.Heallowedmysilences,andhadlongconversationswithmewhenIwantedto.Hegavemespace,butpulledmeintohislifeifIgravitatedaway.Hemadefunofme,especiallywhenImadefunofhim
Beingwithhimhadmeantotherthings,too,likeanunconditionalacceptanceinhisgroupoffriends,agrowingrelationshipwithhissister,adog.ButIhadthoughtpeopleoverwhelmingbeforefallinginlovewithone,andstillfoundithardtonavigatemanyinterpersonalsituations.AsTishahadputit,Youdon’thavetoenjoyallthesocialshitjustbecauseyouenjoybeingwithEli.He’ssointoyou,Idoubthecares.Afterthat,ithadallfallenintoplace.
(Ihadtoadmit,however,thatTinyhadgrownonme.)
(Iwasreadytodieforthatbeast,andIwasnotpronetoexaggeration.)
So,no,Ihadn’tchanged.Butmylifesparkedalittlebrighter—andthatwasthat.
“Thedeckneedssomeworkdone,”Elitoldmeontheporchofmycabin,whileIleashedTinyandlethimlickmycheeklikethepushoverI’dbecome.Thepowerofdogswasastounding.“Imightbeabletotakecareofitonmyown.”
I’dnotexpectedtofeeladeepsenseofimmediateconnectionwithmyfather’scabin,andI’dbeenright.ButIwasahomeowner,anditfeltnice,beinginpossessionofsomethingthatsomeonehadwantedmetohave.Iadoredhowsecludeditfelthere,thefreshair,thewoodlandscenery.Plus,Ithoughtwhenthephonepingedwithatext,wehadcellreception.
“Tisha?”Eliasked.“Morequestionsaboutyourtotallystraightforwardandreasonableforty-three-stepinstructionsonhowtotakecareofthechildren?”
Myplants,hemeant.“Nope.”Ishowedhimthenotification,andhesnorted.
“Oh,comeon.”
“What?”
“Youneedtouninstallthatapp.”
“It’showwefirstmet.Ithasasentimentalvalue.”
“Andyouaresosentimental.”Hetuggedmedownthepaththatledtothehikingtrailswe’dplannedtoexplore.
“Didyou?Deleteyours?”
“Ideletedmyprofileafterthefirsttimeyoustayedoveratmyplace.”
Iglancedathim,feelingthatcozywarmththatwasalwaystherewhenhewasaround.“It’sinbadtasteandoverdone.”
“Whatis?”
“Braggingabouthowyouknewbeforeme.”
Helaughedandpulledmeinforanembrace.“Idon’tthinkit’soverdone.Infact,I’mnotsureit’sdoneenough.”
Aroundus,everythingwaswild.Thesun-dappledtrees,thesoundoflittlecrittersgoingabouttheirlives,Tiny’senthusiasticexplorations.“Ifwecomebackthiswinter,”Elitoldmeanhourin,whenwestoppedforabreak,“wemightbeabletoskateonthatpond.”Hecroucheddowntoretiehisshoelaces,andIglancedatthewater,asmallsmilecurvingmylips.
Thiswinter.
“Areyoupicturingthemyriadwaysinwhichwecoulddie?”heaskedfrombehindme.
“Yup.”Wecouldtry,butwouldhavetodrillintheicetocheck,first.Weneededatleastfiveinchesto—
“Hey,Rue?”
“Yeah,”Isaiddistractedly.
“Sincewe’rehere.”
“Yes?”
“Iwaswondering.”
Iturnedaround.Hewasstilltyinghisshoes,headbentlow.
“Wouldyouliketogetmarried?”
Elilookedup.Metmyeyes.Hiswordsglidedbuoyantlyaroundmyheadforafewseconds,devoidofanysignificance.Andthentheirmeaningclawedintome,andIwassuddenlymadeofheat.“Whatdidyousay?”
“Marriage.Wouldyouliketo?”
Iopenedmymouth.Stayedlikethat.
“Tome,thatis.Ishouldhavespecified.”
Icouldfeelmypulseinmyfingertips.Mybody,mybrain,Iwasallheartbeat.“I…isthishowoneproposes?”Itwasagenuinequestion.
“I’mnotsure.”Elishrugged.“I’veneverdonethisbefore.”
“Yes,youhave.Youwereengaged.”
“WasI?”
“Ihavemether.Sheisverykind.Shemadeusdinnerand—”
“Ah,yes.It’scomingbacktome.Well,thatengagementcameaboutwhenthetwoofuslookedateachotheranddecidedthatgettingmarriedwasagoodnextstep.Therewasneveraproposal.”
“Isee.”
Wouldyouliketogetmarried?
He’dsaidthat.Hadn’the?
“Shouldn’t…”Mycheeksheated.Iwasdizzy.“Shouldn’tyoubeonyourknees?”
Heglanceddownathimself.Hewas,infact,onhisknees.Ononeknee.WhichIknew.Iwasjust—flustered.That’sit.
“Andhavearing?”Iadded.
“Jesus,Rue.”Hissmilewasdelighted.“Forsomeonewholetsmetieherupandslideplugsupherholesonaweeklybasis,you’reatraditionalist.”
“That’snotit.”Itookadeepbreath.Triedtothinkaboutitcalmly.“Itdoesn’tseemlikeagoodimpulsedecisiontomake.Youcan’tjustproposeonawhiminthemiddleofawalk.Youshouldprobablythinkaboutitalotmore.Makesureit’swhatyoureallywant.”
Herolledhiseyes,sighed,andpulledsomethingoutofhispocket.Itwasa—
Igasped.
“Betternow?”
“Whendidyoueven—”
“Aroundelevenmonthsandthreeweeksago.”
Myeyesweregoingtorolloutofmyhead.“Thisisunhinged.”
“Iknow.Butyouasked.”Hegrinnedupatme,andmyhandsweretrembling.Therestofmybody,too.Washereally…?
“Isitbecauseyoureallylikethecabin?Andmypatent?”
“Yes,Rue.I’maskingyoutomarrymebecauseTexasisacommunitypropertystateandIwanttoownhalfyourstuff.Youuncoveredmylongcon.Areyougoingtopassout?”
“Maybe,”Isaidinallseriousness.
“Thenmoveawayfromthatprecipice,please.”
Itookastepforward,andthenwewerethere.He’daskedthequestion.I’dheardandunderstoodit.Andallthatwasmissingwasmyanswer.
“It’sfine,ifyou’renotready.Thisisnotanultimatum.”Hiseyesandvoiceandsmileweresoft.Hedidn’tsoundnervous,orscared,andIthoughtthatthisman—heknewwhatwasinmyheartjustaswellasIdid.“I’vebeenfeelinglikeaskingforawhile,soIdid.ButIcancheckbackinafewmonths.”
“Don’t.”
“Nocheckingback?”
Ishookmyhead.“Don’tbother,there’snopoint.Mymindismadeup,andIwon’tchangeit.”
Itwasacheaptrick,andsomeoneelsewouldhavefallenforit.ButEli—Eliunderstoodmywordsforwhattheywere,andhesmiled,tookmyhand,slidtheringonmyfinger.Hedidn’tstand,andinsteadburiedhisfaceagainstmystomach,nuzzlingintome.
Iranmyhandthroughhishair,glancedatthetrees,smelledtheearth,andsaid,“Iwassowrong.”
“Aboutwhat?”heaskedagainstmyshirt.Itmeantthatheprobablycouldn’tseemysmile,andwasn’tthattoobad?
“Aboutwhethermystorycouldeverbehappy.”Acknowledgments
ThaoLe,myagent,andeveryoneelseatSDLA.SarahBlumenstock,myeditor,aswellastherestofmyBerkleyRomanceteam(LizSellers,KristinCipollaandhercipollina,TaraO’Connor,BridgetO’Toole,Kim-SalinaI),andeveryoneelseinPRH’svariousdepartmentswhoworkedongettingthisbookintoshapeandputtingitinthehandsofreaders.Lilith,fortheperfectcoverillustration.KatieShepard,fortheFinanceBroMarkup.MargaretWiggingand,ofcourse,Jen,forhelpingmemakethismessaslightlylessmessymess.Myforeignpublishers.Booksellers,librarians,andeveryreaderwhohaseverpickedupacopyofanyofmybooksorclickedononeofmyfanfictions.Myauthorfriendsandmynonauthorfriends.Myfamily—includingmycats,mydeer,myracoons,myfoxes,andmysinglepossum.Loveyou,guys.JustinMurphyofOutoftheAtticPhotography
ALIHAZELWOODisthe#1NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofLove,TheoreticallyandTheLoveHypothesis,aswellasawriterofpeer-reviewedarticlesaboutbrainscience,inwhichnoonemakesoutandtheeverafterisnotalwayshappy.OriginallyfromItaly,shelivedinGermanyandJapanbeforemovingtotheUStopursueaPhDinneuroscience.WhenAliisnotatwork,shecanbefoundrunning,eatingcakepops,orwatchingsci-fimovieswithherthreefelineoverlords(andherslightlylessfelinehusband).
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