ASAP – Axie Oh

Dedication
Forallthereaderswhoaskedforanencore—thisone’sforyou.Contents
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TitlePage
Dedication
Contents
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Nine
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Nineteen
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Thirty-Four
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Thirty-Eight
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
BackAd
BooksbyAxieOh
Copyright
AboutthePublisher
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Guide
Cover
Contents
OneOne
MyphonebuzzesasthecabletsmeoffatthecornerofWest32ndStreetandBroadway,wherelightsnowdriftsoverbright
signsinbothHangeulandEnglish.IreadthetextfromSecretaryPark:Alimousineservicewillpickyouupfromyourhotelat11:00andtakeyoutotheairporttomorrow.I’llbewaitingwhenyou
arriveinSeoul.Seeyousoon.
Okay,thankyou,Isendback,andsighattheironythatIcommunicatemorewithmymother’ssecretarythanIdoher.

Pocketingmyphoneandpressingmyshoppingbagtomychest,Ilookbothwaysbeforecrossingthestreet.There’saparty
arrivingattherestaurantdoorbeforeme,andIwaitforthemtopass—threeguyswearingpeacoatsandpuffyjacketsover
theirNYUhoodies.Thelast,adark-skinnedboywithglasses,catchessightofmeandholdsthedooropen.Ihurryforward,
smilingathimandbowingoutofhabit.Theboy’searsredden,andwhenhemovestojoinhisfriends,theypokehimwiththeir
elbows,throwingglancesatmeovertheirshoulders.

AsIslipoffmycoat,afewpeopleseatedbyabarareaturntostare.Alongwithmybootedheelsandcustomhandbag,I’m
wearingabodysuitwithhigh-waistedjeans.Iwouldhavechangedaftertheshow—thelastoftheeventsIwasinvitedtofor
NewYorkFashionWeek—butthatwouldhavetakentime,andIdidn’twanttowasteanymore.Nottonight.

Iscantherestaurant,searchingforafamiliarface.Theplaceispackedwithforeigners,Americans,speakingEnglishsofastitmakesmyheadspin.Thehostess,who’dbeenseatingthegroupofuniversitystudents,returns
tothepodium.“Eoseooseyo,”shesays.Shemusthavepickeduponmynerves,becauseshe’sswitchedfromEnglishtoKorean.
I’mimmediatelyputatease.“Howmany?”

“I’mmeetingsomeone,”Itellher.“She’saroundmyageandheight,probablywearingabaseballcap.”She’shardlyeverwithout
it.

“Ah.”Thehostessnods.“Yourfriendarrivedafewminutesago.Followme.I’llbringyoutothetable.”
SheleadsmethroughasidedoorandupastairwellstrungwithChristmaslights,thoughit’sFebruary.Wemoveasidetolet
agroupofgirlsandboyswalkdownthestairs.They’redressedasifgoingtoaconcert,instylishclothesandheavymakeup,
whichissimilartohowI’mdressedhavingcomefromarunwayshow.AfewholdsignswithmessagesprintedinEnglish.

XOXO’s#1Fan
Sun-oppa,marryme!
BaeJaewoo,Iloveyou!
“It’salwaysmorecrowdedwhenanidolgroupisinthecity,”thehostessexplainstome.“Ithinksomefansnot-so-secretly
hopetorunintooneoftheirfavoriteidolsatoneoftherestaurantsinKoreatown.”Iglanceatherface,butshedoesn’t
appeartobespeakinginjudgment,juststatingafact.“It’sgoodforbusiness.”

“Haveyouhadmanyidolsintherestaurant?”Iask.
“Theownerkeepscelebrityautographsabovethecheckoutcounter.I’veneverseatedanidol,butmybosssaidlastmonthJunfrom95Dwasherewithafewfriends.”
Jun-oppa!Shecatchessightofmyexpressionandsmilesknowingly.“Afan?”

“Ihaveaposterofhimonmybedroomwall.”
“Thenyoushouldbepleasedtoknowthathe’sagoodtipper.”
Weproceedupthestepstothesecondfloor.Theroomhereisnarrowerbutjustascrowded.Designedtoreplicateapojangmacha,
thecircularmetaltablesaresurroundedbyseatsthatlooklikeupside-downtrashcans.Serverswindthroughthetablescarrying
traysofKoreanstreetfoodsservedonbrightgreenplasticplates.Severallargescreenmonitorsaroundtheroomplaythe
samemusicvideo;currentlyit’sBTS’scatchy“Anpanman.”

Spottingmyfriendatatableatthebackoftherestaurant,Itapthehostessontheshoulder.“Iseeher,”Isay,andthe
hostessnods,leavingmetomaketherestofthewayalone.

Mybestfriend,JennyGo,leanswithherbackagainstthewall,scrollingthroughherphone,herDodgersballcap—agiftfrom
herfather—pulledlowoverhereyes.

“Jenny!”IyellwhenI’mpracticallystandingoverher.
Shelooksup,startled.“Sori!”Jennyleapsfromherseatedpositionandflingsherselfsohardintomyarmsthatwealmost
toppleover.

Thelasttimewesaweachotherwasthispastsummer,whenshecametovisitherboyfriendinSeoul.Wetexteveryday,butit’snotthesame.Thefewmonthsshespentasmyroommate,duringmyfinalyearofhighschoolatSeoulArtsAcademy,werepossiblythebestofmylife.I’dalwaysdreamedofhangingoutwithfriendsbetweenclassesandafterschool,ofhavingabestfriendIcouldbaremysoulto.ThatallcametruewhenImether.I’mhorrifiedtofindtearsprickingthecornersofmyeyes.
“Ohno,Sori!”Jennycries.“Yourmakeup!”
ShegrabsamenuandfansmeasIblinkupwarduntilthetearsdry.
WhenI’verecovered,shetakesmyhandsinhers,squeezing.
“You’regorgeous!”sheexclaims.Atthesametime,Isay,“Youlookhealthy.”
Shelaughs.
IlovehowImakeherlaugh.EverythingIdoseemstoamuseher.Whenwefirstmet,Ithoughtshewaslaughingatme,butIsoonrealizedit’sthatshetrulyadoresme.

MywholelifeI’vehadpeoplepursuemebecauseofmymoneyormyfamilyconnections,butJennywantedtobemyfriendnot
knowinganythingofmybackground.Shewouldsayitwasbecauseofmystellarpersonality.Whichwouldonlybehalftrue.
EvenIcanadmit,I’mabitprickly.

“Sori,”shesays,“didyoudressupjustforme?”
“Jenny,”Isaydryly,“IdressupeverytimeIgoout.”
She’sdressedcomfortablyinasweatshirtandsweatpants,bothprintedwiththenameofthemusicconservatorywhereshestudies:
theManhattanSchoolofMusic.

IplacetheshoppingbagI’vebeencarryingalloverthecityontothetable,takingtheseatopposite.“Igotyouafewgifts.”
“Chanel!”
IrestmychinonmyhandasIwatchherexclaimovereachitem.They’remostlysamplesIpickedupatshows,plusafewKoreanbrandsthatIknowJennylikes.Shetakesoutacylinderoflipgloss.Uncappingthetopandusingtheobsidianwallsoftherestaurantasareflectivesurface,shesweepsitacrossherlips.
Ipickupacornchipfromabowlonthetable,examiningitbetweenmynailsbeforepoppingitintomymouth.“Howwasthe
concertlastnight?”She’dtoldmeshewasgoingtoseeXOXOafewmonthsago,whenthegrouphadannouncedtheUSstopsfor
theirworldtour.“DidyousitinaVIPbox?”Itease.

ThemanyXOXOfansintherestaurantwouldbeeagertoknowthatmybestfriendisdatingthegroup’smainvocalist,BaeJaewoo.
They’dmadeitofficialwhentheywereclassmatesatSAA,withmeandJaewoo’sotherbandmates—exceptforSun,whohadgraduated
bythetimeJennyenrolled.

“ManagerNamgotmethetickets,”Jennysays,namingXOXO’smanager,NamJiSeok.
“Ah.”Shedoesn’thavetoexplainfurther.JiSeokwouldneverputagirlfriendinaVIPbox,whereshe’dbetoovisible.Whileidolsdodate,it’sconsideredbadpublicitytoflauntit,letalonepubliclyadmittoit.

“Theyweregoodseatsthough,”shesays.“ItookUncleJay,andhekeptonstrikingupconversationswithrandomfans.It
wassuperembarrassing.”

Evenasshesaysthewords,there’saglowtohercheeks,andIknowthatshenot-so-secretlylovedit.Her“uncle”Jaywas
herdad’sbestfriendbeforehepassedaway.

“HaveyouseenJaewoo?”Iask,pickingupanothercornchip.“Besidesattheconcert.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Ourscheduleshaven’tworkedout,butwehaveplanstospendthedaytogethertomorrow.Hewantstogotoabaseballgame.”
“Thatsoundsnice.”AndlikesomethingJaewoowouldwanttodo.I’veknownhimsincewewereinmiddleschool,andhe’salways
beenabsolutelywildforbaseball.Infact,theoneandonlytimeI’dbeentoNewYorkbeforethistrip,I’dgonetoseea
baseballgamewithhimandanotherofourfriends,Nathaniel.Itwasthesummerbetweenmiddleandhighschool.I’dnever
beeninterestedinthesport,butwatchingthemgetsoexcited,cheeringandhuggingeachotherafteraparticularlydaring
play,I’dfeltasliceoftheirjoy.Istillrememberthatwarmfeeling.

“Youwanttocome?”Jennyasks,drawingmebacktothepresent.
Iliftaneyebrow.Jennywouldinvitemetohangoutwithherandherboyfriend.

“IhaveaflightbacktoSeoultomorrow,”ItellherandmakeamentalnotetoletJaewooknowthatheowesmeone.
“Iwishwecould’vespentmoretimetogether,”shesays.Thensheseemstoremembersomething,becausesheleansforwardexcitedly.
“Oh,wait!Iforgottotellyou.RememberthatquartetIwastellingyouabout,theonewiththeresidencyinTokyo?I’ve
decidedtogoforit.”

“Really?”Myheartleapsatthethoughtofherbeingsoclose.FromGimpoAirport,theflighttoTokyoisonlytwohours.
Muchshorterthanthesixteen-hourflightfromNewYorktoIncheon.

She’dtoldmeabouttheopportunityafewweeksago,thatherschoolwasauditioningacellistforastringquartetthatwouldtourAsia.Ifshegetsthespot,she’llbeinJapanforsixmonths.
“It’sstillalongshot,”shesaysnervously,pullingatthebrimofherballcap.“Mostofthecellistsauditioningareolder
thanme,andmaybemoredeserving…”

“Stopthat.”Shelooksup,andIholdhergaze.“Youworksohard,andyou’retalented.Youareasdeservingofthischance
asanyone.I’mproudofyou.”

“Yes,okay.”Sheblushes,thennods.“You’reright.Thanks,Sori.”
“Weneedtocelebrate,”Isayfirmly.“I’llbuyyouadrink.”
Ipressthecallbuttononthesideofthetableandabellsoundpingsoverhead.Aserverappearswithinseconds.
“Twociders,please,”Iorder.
Whenourcansofice-coldChilsungCiderarrive,wepopopenthetabsandclinkthecanstogether.“Geonbae!”weshouttogether.
Theciderissweetandbubblyandleavesatinglingsensationinmymouthandthroat.
“Whataboutyou?”Jennysays.“Iwanttoknoweverythingyou’vebeenupto.Hasyourmomfinallydecidedtodebutagirlgroup?”
MymomisnoneotherthanSeoMinHee,CEOofJoahEntertainment,therecordlabelXOXOissignedto,andoneofKorea’s“Top
MostInfluentialWomenoftheDecade.”Thetightfeelinginmychest,whichstartedafewmonthsagoandhasonlygottenworse
inthepastfewweeks,returnsatthethoughtofmymother.

“Sori?”Jennyfrowns.“Iseverythingokay?”
“Idon’twanttodebutanymore.”It’sthefirsttimeI’vespokenthewordsaloud.“I’vebeenfeelingthiswayforawhile
now.”

Jenny’sbrowfurrows,butshedoesn’tinterruptme.
“Iwashopingitwouldpass,thatitwasjustfatiguefromhavingbeenatraineeforsolong…”I’dbeenworkingwith
thegoalofbecominganidolsincegraduation,evenbeforethen.WhenIwasinhighschool,Iwouldwakeupthreehoursbefore
schooleverydayjusttopracticemydancing.Inmiddleschool,Iwouldspendhoursstudyingchoreography.It’salwaysbeenmygoal,mydream“Butthecloseritcametobecomingareality,themoreIdreadedtheideaofit,ofhavingtolivemylifeentirelyatthe
whimofothersandbejudgedforeveryaction.”Memoriesfrommiddleschoolstirinthebackofmymind:whispersfollowing
meinthehalls,theshutteringclickofacameraasoneofmyclassmatessnappedaphotoofme.

“Eventhen,”Isay,drawinginabreath,“ifIlovedperformingenough,ifIwaspassionateaboutthemusic,thenitwould
beworthit,butI’mnot.”

Whatkindoftraineeisn’tpassionateaboutmusic?Butthat’swhyIdon’tthinkit’srightforme.Ilovedancing,butIdon’tknowifthat’senoughanymore.

IstudyJenny’sface,whichhasremainedexpressionlessthewholetime.Whatisshethinking?Musichasalwaysbeenherpassion;
it’swhatbroughtherandJaewootogetherinthefirstplace,it’swhatbroughtustogetherwhenwebothattendedSAA.DoesshethinkI’mmakingamistake?

“That’sfair,”Jennysays.“Youofallpeoplewouldknowwhatit’sliketogrowupinthepubliceye.Icouldseewhyyou’d
choosetostayoutofit.”

Heatstirsthebackofmyeyes,butIrefusetocryforasecondtimetonight
“There’snothingwrongwithchangingyourmind,”Jennycontinuesgently.“It’snevertoolatetotrysomethingnew.You’llfindsomethingelsethatyou’remorepassionateabout.”
Ifonlymymomthoughtthesame.Formanyreasons,someofwhichIdon’tevenknowifIcanexplaintoJenny,she’llbethemostdisappointedthatI’vechangedmymind.Butthat’sformetoworryaboutwhenIreturn
toKorea.

“Thanks,Jenny.Ineededtohearthat.”Ipickupthemenuand—surreptitiously—fanmyface.“Afternotseeingeachotherfor
oversixmonths,arewereallygivingeachotherpeptalks?”

Shelaughs.“Whatarebestfriendsfor?Butseriously,Sori,let’snotwaitanothersixmonthstohaveaheart-to-heart.”
Iflipoverthemenu.“You’reright,andI’mstarving.Shouldweordersomefood?”
Shegrins.“Ithoughtyou’dneverask.”
Anhourfliesby,thentwo,asshetellsmeaboutherclassesandfamily,andItellheraboutourfriendsinSeoul,aswell
asmymostrecentmodelingjobinSingapore,allwhiledevouringourfavoritefoodsweusedtohavewhileatschool.Tteokbokki,
thesweetandspicyricecakescoveredinmeltedmozzarellacheese.Garlicfriedchicken,deepfriedandcoatedinasweet
andstickysoygarlicsauce.Andthickrollsofgimbapstuffedwithseasonedvegetablesandslicedintopieces.

Thecrowdintherestaurantgetsrowdierasthenightgoeson.Inthemiddleoftheroom,agroupofbusinessmenareplaying
drinkinggames,dumpingtheirshotglassesintopintsofbeer.

“Weshouldgo!”Ishoutovertheirloudcheers.
“Letmeusetherestroomfirst!”Jennyhopsupfromherseat,weavingaroundthetables.Onceshe’sdisappearedintothestairwell,Icalloverourservertopaythebill.Jennywillbeupsetwhenshegetsback,butwhat’stheuseofhavingmoneyifyoucan’tspoilthepeopleyoulove?
Foramoment,thenoiselevelinthebardiesdownasthecurrentmusicvideoends.Thenasmallcheereruptsasthelogo
forJoahEntertainmentappearsonallthreemonitors.

“Didn’tyoutrytogetticketsfortheirconcerttonight?”thegirlatthenexttableoverasksherfriend.
“Idid,butthey’vebecomesopopular,itwasimpossible.”They’respeakinginKorean,theirvoicescarryingovertheopening
barsofXOXO’snewestsingle.

ThesongopensonarapsharedbyXOXO’stworappers,SunandYoungmin,theirvoicescomplementingeachother’s.Thenitleads
intothepre-chorus,sungbyJaewooalone,hisvocalssmoothandpowerful.

Thegirlacrossfrommesighsdreamily.“BaeJaewooissohandsomeinthiscomeback.”
Ismile,wonderingwhatJennywouldthinkofthesegirlsswooningoverherboyfriend.Thoughshe’sprobablyusedtoitby
now.

Themusicvideochangestoadifferentsetforthechorusandmyeyesstraytothemonitors.Theconceptfortheircomeback
isanightmarishwonderland,whereeachmemberoffersatemptation.

“It’sLeeJihyukforme,”theothergirlsays,callingNathaniel,XOXO’sothervocalist,byhisKoreanname.“Thewayhemoves
hisbodyisdownrightsinful.”

I’monlyhalflisteningtoherwords,unabletotearmyeyesfromthescreen.Nathanielisatthefrontoftheformation,ashealwaysisinanyoftheirmoredifficultchoreography.AsIwatchhim,I’mstruckwithaseriesofmemories,ofwhenwewereinmiddleschoolandhechasedmearoundtheschoolyardwithafroginhishand,andthenlater,inhighschool,watchinghimplaysocceronthefield,hiseyesthatfoundminewhenhemadeagoal,andthenlater,hishandslidingdownmywaist,theothermovingbackmyhairashislipspressedagainstthecurveofmyneck.

Jennyslidesintoherseat.
“SorryItooksolong,”shesays.“Jaewoocalled.”
“Oh?”Ipickupthemenuagain,whichhasfarsurpasseditsoriginalintendeduse,asIfanmyselfforthethirdtimetonight.
Iglanceattheclockonmyphone.XOXO’sconcertmusthaveended.

Jennyfidgetswithherballcap,andIraiseaneyebrow.“What’swrong?”
Allinonebreath,shesays,“Thememberswerescheduledtogobacktothehotelaftertheconcert,buttheydecidedlast
minutetogotoarestaurant.It’sdownthestreet.Jaewooinvitedmeover.

“Heinvitedyoutoo,”sheaddshurriedly.“Itoldhimweweretogether.”
Ifeelmyheartracinginmychest,afeelingIhaven’tfeltinsuchalongtimethatIcan’texactlyplaceit.Isitnerves?
“Allofthemembersarethere,”Isay,notaquestion,moreaseekingofconfirmation.Sun,theoldest,leadrapper,andleader
ofthegroup;Youngmin,theyoungestandmainrapper;Jaewoo,themainvocalist…

“Allofthem,”sheconfirms.
Orisit…excitement?
“Youknowwhat?”Jennysays.“Thisisournight.I’lltextJaewoothatwecan’tmakeit.”
Ireachoutandplacemyhandoverhers,myheartfillingwithwarmth.ShewantstoseeJaewoo,butshe’sthinkingofme.
Forher,I’ddoanything,evenfaceNathaniel—leadvocalist,maindancerofXOXO,andmyex-boyfriendTwo
Thestreetissomehowmorecrowdedthantwohoursearlier,thoughitmustbeclosetoeleven.JennyandIhookarmsaswe
weaveinandaroundstandstilltraffic.TheaddressJaewoosentisforarestaurantdownthestreet.Aglanceatthemenu
behindthewindowshowsthatitservesmainlyhansik,traditionalKoreanfood.

Twoblocksdown,alargecrowdofpeoplegatheroutsideanotherrestaurant,thoughtheydon’tappeartobewaitingtogoinside.
ThenIspotthevanparkedatthecurb.XOXO’screwandbackupdancersmustbeeatingatthatrestauranttodivertattention
awayfromtheactuallocationofthemembers.

Afewfanslookover,passingoverJennyandlingeringonme.Ipullmycoattighteraroundme.
“Jaewoosaysthere’sasideentrancetotherestaurant,”Jennysays.Weroundthebuildingintoashortalleywithasingle
dumpster.There’samildlydistressingstreakacrossthewallthatcouldbeeitheroldpaintorblood.

“AsfarasNewYorkCityalleysgo,thisisn’tthatbad,”Jennysays.
“Well,aslongaswe’remurderedina‘notthatbad’alley.”Iraisemybaginfrontofme,theclaspfacingout.
“Ihopethisistherightdoor.”Itdoesn’tbudgewhenJennytriesthehandle.Steppingback,shebringsherphonetoher
ear.“I’moutside,”shesays.

Frominsidetherecomesthesoundofrushingsteps,thenthedoorburstsopen
“Jenny!”Jaewoosays,breathless.Hishairislongerforthiscomebackanditslipsrakishlyoverhiseyes.Heslowlylowers
hisphonefromhisear,hisgazeneverleavingJenny.

Iwaitforhertorushforward,butsheremainsunmoving.Aglanceatherfaceshowsshe’s…blushing.Isshebeingshy?
Howannoying.IshoveherfrombehindandshestumblesintoJaewoo’sarms.

Whilethey’recanoodling,Icheckthealleytomakesurewehaven’tbeenfollowed,thenstepthroughthedoor,shuttingit
behindme.

We’reinaservicestairwell,withcratesstackedagainstthewalltotheright.Ontheleft,concretestairsleadupward.
IcatchsightofJiSeokatthetop.Henodstomebeforeturninghisfaceaway,respectfulofthecouple’sprivacy.Isigh.
WhathaveIbecomethatIrelatemosttoXOXO’smanager?

“MinSori,it’sbeenawhile.”JaewooholdsoutanarmandIstepintohisembrace.Itseemsnotthatlongagowewerethe
sameheight,andnowhe’stallenoughtoresthisheadbrieflyonthetopofminebeforereleasingme.

“TonightwassupposedtobemynightwithJenny,”Isay,steppingback.“I’llneverforgiveyou.”I’monlyhalfjoking.

Hematchesmyserioustone.“Ioweyoualifedebt.”Thenhebreaksintothatboyishgrinthathassetaflutterthehearts
offanstheworldover.“Areyoutwohungry?Let’sgototheroom.”Heherdsusupthestairs,whereJiSeokbowstoJenny
andme.

“LookatwhatSorigotme,”Jennysays,showingJaewoothecontentsoftheshoppingbag.
“I’msurprisedshedidn’tgetyouastuffedanimal.”Helaughs.
“IknewyouwereinNewYorkCity,”JiSeoksaysfromwherehewalksbesideme,“butIdidn’tthinkwe’dseeyou.”
ThoughtheXOXOmembersandIarecontractedtothesamecompany,there’snoreasonforourschedulestooverlap.Ourlives
areentirelyseparate.Iwonder,briefly,ifhe’lltellmymotheraboutthismeetingbutquicklydismissthethought—JiSeok
mightbeemployedbyJoah,buthisloyaltyistothemembers.

Throughasidedoor,weenteralonghallwaylinedoneithersidewithprivaterooms.Asweapproachthelargestoneatthe
end,mypalmsstarttosweat.Iburythemdeepintothepocketsofmycoat.

Becauseofthetour,andthetimeIspentinSingapore,it’sbeenthelongestI’vegonewithoutseeingNathanielsincewe
graduatedfromtheacademy.Themonthsimmediatelyfollowingthebreakuphadbeen…difficult.We’dstarteddatingin
secretwhenwewerebothsixteen,beforeNathanielhaddebuted.Butsoonafter,aphotoofuswasleakedtothepublic,leading
toascandalthatalmostruinedtheboys’careers.Withtheinsistenceofthehigherups,mymotherincluded,wemutually
decidedtobreakitoff.

Itwasclearlytherightdecision.XOXOwentontobecomeoneofthebiggestidolgroupsintheworld,andevenifI’mnot
quiteatthatlevel,Ihaveafutureintheindustry,shouldIchoosetopursueone,whichwouldn’thavebeenthecasehad
NathanielandIstayedtogether.

Asweapproachthedoortotheroom,Itakeadeepbreath.Thoughthosefirstfewmonthsafterthebreakupwerehard,wedidmanagetograduatehighschoolasfriends.Afterall,wewerefriendsbeforewegottogether.

There’snoreasontobenervousnow.Nervessuggesttherearestillfeelingsthereandthatcan’tbepossible.BecauseifI’mstillinlovewithNathanielLeeofXOXO,thenbreakingupwithhimmightpossiblyhave
beentheworstdecisionofmylife.

Jaewooslidesthedooropen.Iregisteraroomwithawoodendiningtableinsetwithcharcoalgrills.It’sborderedbyupholstered
chairsononesideandaboothontheother.

“MinSori?”ThedeepvoicedrawsmyattentiontothecorneroftheboothwhereSun,XOXO’sleader,leanscasuallyagainst
thewall.“Thisisunexpected.”

He’sdressedinalooseshirt,hislonghairpulledbackfromhisstrikingface.JennysaysSunlookslikeasupervillain
inavideogame,butIalwaysthoughthelookedmorelikesomeonewhoshouldhavebeenaprinceduringtheJoseondynasty.

“Sun-oppa,”Isay.WhileJaewoo,Nathaniel,andItrainedtogetheratJoah,I’veknownSunthelongest.Asthegrandsonof
thepresidentofTKGroup,we’vebeenthrowntogetheratenoughbanquetstolastalifetime.“IwashavingdinnerwithJenny
whenJaewoocalled.”

“Isee,”hesays.IfeelmoreateaseafterthisshortinteractionwithSun.I’veknownallofthememberssincewewerein
middleschool.Yes,we’realloldernow,butthere’snoreasontotreatanyofthemdifferently.

Sun’sgazeshiftstosomeonebehindme,andthebackofmyneckprickles,likeasparkofelectricityagainstmyskin.
“Sori.”Hisvoice.“Whydoesittakecrossingthewholeworldtoseeyou?”

Ischoolmyfeaturesbeforeturningaround.
WhenIliftmyeyestomeetNathaniel’sdark-eyedgaze,mystomachflutters.
Iknowthatit’sclosetomidnightandhe’scomingofftwonightsofconcertsinNewYorkCity,buthelooksindecent,asifhe’djuststumbledoutofbed.Hishairisdyedadarkblueforthiscycleofpromotions,andstrandsofitfallacross
hisbrow.

“Youcanseemeanytime,”Isay,tuckingmyhairbehindoneear.It’sanervousticofmine,butIneedtodosomethingwith
myhands.“Weliveinthesamecity.”

Hiseyesmovefrommyear—wherehe’dfollowedthemovement—beforereturningtomyface,anoddexpressionflittingoverhis
features.

It’sgoneinaflashashisattentionshiftstoJenny,who’sfinishedgreetingSun.“Yo,JennyGo.”Hiswholedemeanorchanges,
thatfamousdimpleofhisdeepening.“Haveyounoshame?Crashingourdinnerouting.”

“OfallthecuisinestochoosefrominNewYorkCity,yougotoaKoreanrestaurant.”Shematcheshisteasingtone.“Aren’t
youflyingbacktoSeoulinafewdays?”

“WhatcanIsay?”Heliftshishandsinahelplessgesture.“KoreanswillalwaysfindaKoreanrestaurant,nomatterwhat
countrywe’rein.”

“Ilikethehair.”
“Theconceptwasclassygangster.Anoxymoron,don’tyouthink?”
“Notifyou’reWonBin,”shesays,referencingAjeossi,herfavoritefilmofalltime.

“Hischaracterwasn’tagangster,Jenny,”Nathanieldrawls.“Hewasex–specialforces.”
“Samething.”Jennyshrugs.
“No,it’snot!”
Myheadhasbeenwhippingbackandforthbetweenthemasthey’vebeenspeakinginrapid-fireEnglish,mychesttightening
witheverysecondthatgoesby.

Jaewooinsertshisbodybetweenthem,grabbingJenny’shand.“Let’snotremindJennyofhercelebritycrushes.”
SheslidesintotheboothnexttoJaewoo,whileNathanielfallseasilyintotheseatoppositeher.“Doyoucount?”hequips.
JiSeoksitsacrossfromSun,whichleavesmethemiddleseat,besideNathaniel.
“Where’sChoiYoungmin?”IswitchtheconversationbacktoKorean.Jennyhadsaidallthememberswouldbehere,andyetthere’s
nosignofXOXO’smaknae.

“Hehasschoolwork,sohewentbacktothehotel,”Jaewooanswers.I’dforgottenthatXOXO’syoungestmemberwasstillin
highschool.

“That’llbeyousoon,”Sunsays,pickinguptheglassofbeerinfrontofhim.I’msurprisedtoseehimdrinking,sincewe’re
intheUnitedStates,beforeIrememberthatherecentlyturnedtwenty-one.ThenIrealizewhohe’sspeakingto.

IturntowardNathaniel.“You’retakingaclass?”
“Yousoundsurprised.”
IalwaysthoughtthatifanyoftheXOXOmemberspursuedahighereducation,itwouldbeJaewoo,whohadthebestgradesin
highschool.

“It’sunexpected,”Isay.Nathaniel—who’dbeenreachinghishandouttowardhiswaterglass—goesstill.Irealize,toolate,
howthismustsound,thatmyexpectationsofhimaresolow,I’dfinditcompletelyshockingthathe’dtakeuniversitycourses.
“Youneverlikedstudying,”Ifinishsoftly.

Hecontinuesforwardandpicksuptheglass.“Peoplechange.”Bringingittohislips,hetakesalongdrinkofwater.
I’veupsethim.IknowIhave,withouthimhavingtosayit,hisshouldershunchedslightlyforward.Iwanttoaskhimwhat
he’sstudyingbutIfeellikeIlosttheright.Withmychopsticks,Ipickupasingleblackbean,ploppingitintomymouth.

“Soyou’rehereforfashionweek?”JiSeokasks,oblivioustotheawkwardnessbetweenNathanielandme.“Haveyouexplored
thecityatall?It’syourfirsttimehere,right?”

Atthis,Jaewooliftshishead,glancingatmefromacrossthetable.JiSeokbecametheboys’managerafterthatsummerIspentinNewYorkwithJaewooandNathaniel.

“I’vebeenbusywithshows.Ihaven’thadtimetodoanythingelse,”Isay,answeringhisfirsttwoquestions.
“Sori’snotimpulsive,”Nathanielsays.“NotlikeJenny.”
Mycheeks,whichwerealreadywarmfromthepreviousinteraction,growevenhotter.Whatisthatsupposedtomean?

Jennyfrowns.“HowamIimpulsive?”
“YoumovedtoKoreatochaseafterJaewoo.”
“Wow,”Jennysaysdryly,“Ican’tevenbegintowrapmyheadaroundhowuntruethatstatementis.”
Aknockatthedoorinterruptsthem.AwomanI’veneverseenbeforewalksintotheroom.
JiSeoktransformsintomanagermode,standingupfromhischairtoblockthewoman.“CanIhelpyou?”
Shemovestopeeraroundhim.“IwasintheVIPboxearlier.MynameisJeonSojin.I’mthedaughterofCEOJeonofHankook
Electric.”Shedoesn’thavetoexplainherselffurther.HankookElectricisamajorshareholderofJoahEntertainment.

JiSeokhesitates—andinthatshortsecond,it’slikeIcanseeahalfdozenthoughtsflitthroughhishead—thenhebows.
Sun’sgazemeetsmine,bothofusregisteringanirrefutabletruth.XOXOcan’taffordtooffendCEOJeon’sdaughter.

Risingtohisfeet,Sunbowstoher.“Please,won’tyoujoinus?”
TheothermembersofXOXOtaketheircuesfromtheirleader,standingtobowaswell.Jennyfrowns,probablyconfusedasto
whywe’reindulgingthisrudewomanwho’dinterruptedourdinner.Butsituationslikethishappenallthetimeinourindustry.
Wehavetopleasepeoplewithpower,whoseinfluencecouldbenefitthecompany,or,iftheytakeoffense,provecatastrophic.

SojingesturesforaservertopullupachairbesideNathaniel,thenacceptsabottleofsojuandtwoshotglassesfromanother,
havingapparentlyorderedthealcoholbeforehand.“You’reahardonetogetaholdof.Isentgiftstoyourcompany,expensivegifts,andyou’veneverwornthemorrepliedwithamessage.”It’sclearshe’snotafanofXOXOsomuchasinappropriatelyinterestedinNathaniel.“Don’tImeritabitofgratitude?”
“Thanks,”Nathanieldeadpans.Besideme,JiSeokwincesathistone,whichisn’texactlyfriendly.Nathanielalsoneverreceived
thosegifts—it’sagainstcompanypolicytoacceptanythingotherthanlettersfromfans.

Sojin’slipspurse.Howeversheimaginedthisscenarioplayingout,itprobablywasn’tlikethis,withNathanielcoldlyrejecting
heradvances.

“Jihyuk-ssi.”Sojinrallies,slidingthebottleandoneoftheglassestowardNathaniel.“Let’sshareadrink.”
“He’snotoldenough,”JiSeokprotests.
“Oh,shush.”Sheclickshertongue.“He’soldenoughinKorea.”
There’saloudsnortofderision.Everyonefreezes,andthenallourgazeslandonJenny.
“Howdare—?”Sojinbristles,thencutsoff.
IrealizeimmediatelywhatSojinhasnoticed.Jenny’ssittingcloseenoughtoJaewoothattheirshoulderstouch.Shequickly
movesaway,butit’stoolate.Sojin’slipspeelbackinasmirk.

“YougototheManhattanSchoolofMusic?”sheasks.It’saneasydeductiontomake—theschool’snameisemblazonedacross
thefrontofJenny’shoodie.

“Yes,”Jennysaysquietly,hervoiceunsure.It’ssounlikeJennythatIfeelmypulsejump.
“Whatinstrumentdoyouplay?”Sojinpries.“IfeellikeI’veseenyoubefore.What’syourname?”
Jennypullsherballcaplower,hunchinghershoulders.Jaewoo’shandcurlsintoafistonthetable,hiseyesnarrowing,andIknowhe’sabouttosaysomethingheshouldn’t.

“WhatbringsyoutoNewYorkCity?”NathanielattemptstodrawSojin’sattentionbacktohim,butshe’szeroedinonJenny,
clearlyenjoyinghowuncomfortableshe’smakingher.

“Youknow,”shesneers,“girlslikeyoushouldn’tactsobrazen,flauntingyourselves.It’sshameless.”
Somethingsnapswithinme,likeafirecrackerpoppingoff.JeonSojin,youwanttoseeshameless?
Shiftingstraightinmychair,Iremovemycoat,somethingI’veavoideddoinguntilthismomentsoasnottodrawtoomuch
attention.That’snotthecasenow.Sojin’seyeslockonme,ormorespecifically,onmybodysuit,whichclingstomyshoulders
andchest.Slowly,IglidemyhandacrossthebackofNathaniel’schair,lettingtheveryedgeofmyfingerstouchhisback.
Asheturns,hiseyeswidenslightly.

“Youhaven’tpaidanyattentiontomeallnight.”Ipout,lettingmorebreathintomyvoice.ThoughIneverstudiedseriously
tobeanactor,Ididtakeactingclassesasatrainee.Ilowermyeyelashesbeforeraisingmyeyestomeethis.“It’slike
I’mnotevenhere.”

Nathaniel,forhispart,recoversquickly,takingmycue.Hisdarkeyesneverbreakcontactwithmineashesays,“Icould
neverforgetthatyou’rehere.”

Myheartstutters,andIalmostlosefocus.He’sgoodatthis.

Itrytoconcentrate,hopingthatI’vereadSojincorrectlyandthatherowninsecurities,andjealousy,willflareupwith
howuncomfortableI’mmakingherfeel.

“I’vemissedyou,”Iwhisper,movingmyotherhandtowardhisonthetable.Hedoesn’thesitate,shiftinghispalmsothatit’sfacingup.WhenIplacemineoverit,hecloseshisfingersaroundme,andIfeelthewarmthofhishanddowntomystomach.
I’mgladthatit’shim.Here,withme.There’snooneItrustmoretopullthisoff,nooneI’devenfeelsafeenoughtotry
thiswith.Nomatterwhatwearetoeachothernow,westillmakeagreatteam.

“I’vemissedyoutoo,”Nathanielsays,buthe’snolongerlookingatme.
Abruptly,Sojinstands,knockingoverthesojubottle.Nathanielreleasesmyhandtocatchitbeforeitspillsovertheside
ofthetable.“IforgotIhaveanimportantbusinessmeetinginthemorning.”Shewon’tmeetanyone’seyes.“I’llexcusemyself
first.”Beforetheotherscanstandtobow,she’soutthedoor.

Iremovemyarmthemomentshe’sgone,slumpinginmychairwithrelief.
“Didyoureallyjustintimidateherintoleaving?”Jennysays,hervoicefilledwithawe.“GiTaekwouldbesoproud.”
Ilaugh.OurclassmatefromSeoulArtsAcademy,HongGiTaek,wouldsupportmypettierside.

“Verycool,MinSori,”Jaewoosays,andSungivesmeathumbsupfromthecorner.
I’mstartledbyaslidingsoundasNathanielpushesbackhischair.“Ithinksomeofthatsojugotonme,”hesays.
Nooneseemstonoticehimleaving,SunandJaewoowonderinghowJeonSojinhadfoundthemattherestaurant,andJiSeok
apologizingprofuselytoJenny.

WhenNathanielreturns,thenightcontinuesasifwewereneverinterrupted.Afterward,weexitthroughthebackalleyinpairs,withSunandJiSeokaheadofJennyandme,andJaewooandNathanielbringinguptherear.They’realldeckedoutinlargecoats,hats,andmasksthatwouldbecomicalifitwasn’tsnowingoutside.
I’mhuggingJennygoodbye—Idon’tknowthenexttimeI’llseeher—whenIhearNathanielcallmynamefromthestreet.“Sori.”
He’sflaggeddownataxi,holdingopenthebackdoor.Ihurryover.There’sblackiceonthecurbandItakehisoutstretched
hand.Ihavethebriefimpressionofhisfingerslightlysqueezingmineandhisvoiceclosetomyear—“TextJennywhenyou
gettothehotel”—beforethedoor’sshuttingandthere’saloudthunkashehitsthetopofthetaxi.Asitmovesawayfrom
thecurb,Iturnaroundinmyseattowatchhimthroughtheblurrywindowuntilhe’sswallowedbythelights.
Three
Thanksfortextingthatyougotbacktothehotelsafely.IreadJenny’sresponseaftersteppingoutfromtheshower,wrappedinafluffywhiterobe.

Ijumpontothebedandkickoffmyhotelslippersbeforetextingback.Weexchangeafewmoremessagesbeforeshestopsresponding
andIknowshe’sfallenasleep.

Iwaitformybodyandmindtorelax,butsameasthelastcoupleofnights,Iremainstubbornlyawake.Eventhoughit’swell
pastmidnightinNewYorkCity,mybodyseemstothinkit’slateafternooninSeoul.

Ipickupmyphoneagain.BelowthetextsfromJennyisthemessageSecretaryParksentmeabouttomorrow’sflight,andbelowthatisamessagefromSecretaryLee,myfather’ssecretary,schedulinganappointmenttoseemypaternalgrandmotheratherhome
intwoweeks’time.Itakeascreenshotofthetextandscrolltomylasttextexchangewithmymother—overamonthago—and
dropitintothemessagebox.Weusedtoalwayslaughtogetheratsomeoftheanticsofthepaternalsideofmyfamily—my
auntmakesJeonSojinseemlikeanangel.AsIhoverovertheSendicon,Ihesitate.

Lately,therelationshipbetweenmymotherandherin-lawshasbecomemore…tense.Maybeamessagelikethiswouldonlyremindherthatthey’veessentiallycutheroutoftheirlives.Regardlessthatit’smyfatherwho’sthereasonformyparents’separation,hisfamilywillalwaysblamemymother.
Ideletethescreenshotand,instead,textSecretaryLeethatI’llbethereattheappointedtime.
Ithrowmyphoneacrossthefour-posterandpressmyfaceintothepillow.MaybeifIstaylikethislongenough,I’lltrick
mymindintothinkingI’vefallenasleep.Butitseemstohavetheoppositeeffect.Inthedarkness,allIseearememories
fromthelasttimeIwasinNewYorkCity.Itwasn’twinterthenbutsummer.Walkingwithsandalsontheboardwalk,sugar
onmyfingers.WatchingNathanielasheracedtowardmewithabright,triumphantsmile,astuffedcowinhisarms.Laughing
withJaewooaswesatinaboothatapizzaparlor,NathanielandJaewooononeside,thestuffedcowandmeontheother.
Andmaybeit’sthislastmemory,butsuddenlyI’moffthebedandchangingintosweats,stuffingmyphoneandwalletinto
myjacket.

Ahalfhourlater,ataxidropsmeoffoutsideJoe’sPizzeriainFlushing,Queens.
Istareattheneonsignbuzzingonthequietstreet.Throughthefrostedglasswindows,amiddle-agedmanfrownsoveracrossword
puzzle.Joe,perhaps?

Ientertheparlor,settingoffthechimeabovethedoor.AsIapproachthecounter,myheartstartstorace,knowingI’ll
havetoorderinEnglish.WhileI’mfluentinJapaneseandcanspeakabitofFrenchandMandarin,Englishhasalwaysbeen
difficultforme.Itakeoutacrisptwenty-dollarbill,oneofmanySecretaryParkhadexchangedatthebankinSeoulfor
mebeforeI’dleft.

“Oneslice,please,”Isayslowly,makingsuretopronounceeachsoundcorrectly.Lsareparticularlydifficult.

Joenods,takingthebillandgivingmebacktheappropriatechange.“You’renotfromhere?”
Iwince.Wasmyaccentthatnoticeable?
“Sorry.”Hescratcheshishead.“Thatdidn’tcomeoutright.Iknowmostofthekidsinthearea,especiallytheoneswho
turnupthislateatnight,andIhaven’tseenyoubefore.”

“I’m…”Istruggletofindthewords.“Avisitor.”
“Ohyeah,familyintown?There’sabigKoreanpopulationinthisarea.”Heplacesatallpapercuponthecounterwitha
Pepsilogoprintedontotheside.“It’sonthehouse.”

Itakethecupandretreattothesodamachine.AfterfillingitwithdietPepsi,IlingerbythemachineuntilJoefinishes
warmingthepizzaupintheoven.

ThegreaseisalreadysoakingthroughthepaperplatewhenItakeitbacktothebooth.Idabthetopwithseveralnapkins
andthencarefullypickitup.

Amemoryoverlaysthemoment,NathanielandJaewoosittingacrossfromme.Tryit,Nathanielsaysexcitedly.IswearifJoe’spizzawon’tconvinceyouthatNewYorkpizzaisthebest,thennothingwill.
Itakeabitenow,asIdidthen.Ittastes…
Fine,butnotlikethepizzainKorea,whichismuchfluffier,andthewayIpreferpizza.There’snotevencornonit.Still,
Ifinishthewholeslice.

Outside,acarpassesbyonthestreet,throwingslushontothesidewalk.Adogbarkssomewhereintheneighborhood.Ishouldheadbacktothehotel.IfmymotherorSecretaryPark,orSecretaryLee,forthatmatter,decidetocheckmylocation,I’llhavealotofexplainingtodo.It’sjust…
ThesummerIspentinNewYorkwasoneofthehappiestfewweeksofmylife,evenifthereasonwhyIwastherewasn’texactly
positive.Cominghere,I’dwantedtofeelasliverofthosefeelingsagain.Though,sittingaloneinacoldpizzaparloron
awinternightisn’texactlyexudingfeelingsofwarmth.

Thechimejinglesasanothercustomerenterstheparlor.
“Asliceofcheeseforme,Joe,”ayoungwomansays.Hervoiceislow,melodic.“Justoneoftheseonthecounterwilldo.”
Iturntosneakapeekatthenewcustomer,butherbackistome.She’sdressedinaleatherjacket,herhaircutinastylish
bob.

“Hereyougo,Naddy.”Joeslidesanentirepizzaboxacrossthecounter.“Takethewholepiehome.Shareitwithyourfamily.”
Astheyoungwomantakesoutherwallet,Istanduptothrowmytrashaway.
“Sori?”
Ilookuptofindherstaringatme,andIrealize…Irecognizeher.She’sNathaniel’soldersister.Nadine.“Itisyou,”shesays,hersmilewidening.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

“I…”I’msoshocked,Iblurtoutthefirstthoughtthatcomestomind.“Iwantedpizza.”
Shelooksincredulous.“InQueens?”Sheshakesherhead.“Imeant,whatareyoudoingintheStates?”
WhatarethechancesI’drunintosomeoneIknow—oneofNathaniel’ssisters,ofallpeople?Thenagain,weareclosetohisparents’house.

“I’mhereforNewYorkFashionWeek,”Ihearmyselfansweringher.“Notfortherunway,”Iclarify,blushing.“DazedKoreainvitedme.It’samagazine.”

“Sori,that’sincredible.”Shereachesoutahandandpatsmeontheshoulder.“I’mproudofyou.”Ifeelwarmthspreadacross
mycheeks.

“Whereareyoustaying?”SheswitchestoKorean.
Itellherthenameofthehotel,whichwasbookedbythemagazine.
Shefrowns.“That’sinMidtown,isn’tit?Didyoutakeacabhere?”
Inod,thoughIhaveasuspicionwhereherlineofquestioningisheaded.
“Youcan’tgobackbyyourselfthislate,”shesays.“You’llsleepoverandI’lldriveyoutoyourhoteltomorrowmorning.”
“Youdon’thavetodothat,”Iprotest.
“Nope,there’snoarguingwithme.I’mpullingtheeonnicard.Imightnotbetheoldestofmysisters,butIamolderthanyou.Comeon.”ShewavestoJoeasshewalksoutthedoor,notwaitingtoseeifI’llfollow.

WhenIstepoutsidethepizzaparlor,shegrinsatmebeforesettingoffatabriskpacedownthesidewalk.Ihurrytocatch
up,zippingmycoatuptomythroat.

“Areyoureturningfromsomewhere?”Iask,mybreathscomingoutingustsintheicyair.
“Iwasatabar,”Nadinesaysoverthecrunchofhercombatbootsinthesnow.“Goodthingmymom’snothomeorshe’dfreakout.”

Attwenty-one,Nadine’sthreeyearsolderthanNathanielandme.EvenwhenIwasyounger,Ithoughtshewassogrown-up.She
woreallblackandfoughtpassionatelywithhermotherandsisters,onlytolaughwiththemminuteslater,andshehadagirlfriend
whoshebroughtovertoplayMarioKartwithusinthebasement.I’donlyspentabrieftimewithhisfamily,butshe—andtherestofhissisters—leftalasting
impressiononme.

Aswecomeuponthehouse,IwonderhowmanyofNathaniel’ssistersarehome.Theirhouseisthreestories,includingthe
basement,andpaintedasmoky-greencolor.Theunfinisheddrivewayispackedwithcarsparkedfronttobackallthewayto
thecurb.

Nadinewalksuptheshortstepstotheporch,firstopeningthestormdoor,thenjigglingakeyintothefrontdoorlock.
Shovingitopen,shemotionsformetogoinside.Itiptoearoundafrontentrancecoveredwithdozensofshoestossedhaphazardly
ontothefloor.Theurgetolinethemallupinneatrowsisoverwhelming.MyownbootsIplacesidebyside,againstthe
wall.

Alampglowsinthenextroom,illuminatingacozyspacewithatelevisionandsectionalsofa.AgrandfatherclockwithRoman
numeralssitsinthefoyer,andI’mshockedtoseeit’salmosttwoo’clockinthemorning.

“Notthere,”NadinewhisperswhenImovetowardthelivingarea,hoppingononefootassheunzipshersecondboot.“Youcan
sleepinNathaniel’sroom.”

Igape.“No,I—”
“It’sokay.”Shewavesoffmyconcern.“He’snothere.He’sbeensleepinginthesuitethecompanybookedforthetour.”
Iknowthat,butit’sstillawkwardtosleepinmyex-boyfriend’schildhoodbed.Butlikebefore,Nadinerefusestobrookanyargument,
practicallyshovingmeupthestairsandintothefirstroomontheleft.

“Thesheetsshouldbeclean,”shesays,flippingonalightswitch.“Therearesparetoothbrushesinthebathroom,andtowels
areintheclosetinthehall.”

Imustlooklost,standinginthemiddleoftheroom,becauseherexpressionsoftens.“It’sgoodtoseeyouagain,Sori.Nathaniel
toldusaboutthebreakup.Weweredisappointed,ofcourse,butweunderstandyoubothcametothatdecisiontogether.”Stepping
backfromthedoor,sheyawns.“Anyway,I’lldriveyoubacktothehotelfirstthinginthemorning.Doeseightsoundokay?”

“Yes,”Isay.Thatshouldgivemeenoughtimetopacktherestofmybelongingsintimetomeetthedriverforthelimousine
service.“Thanks…”Ihesitate.“Eonni.”

Shesmiles.“Night,Sori.”
Ihearherwalkfartherdownthehall,thentheclickofadoorasitcloses.
I’malone.InNathaniel’sroom.
Onabookshelflinedwithbaseballtrophiesandalbums,aPikachualarmclocktickstheseconds.HisbooksareallinEnglish.
IpickupaframedphotographofNathaniel,Jaewoo,Sun,andYoungmin,Jaewoo’sarmsthrownacrossNathaniel’sshoulderon
oneside,Sun’sandYoungmin’sontheother.Thismusthavebeentakenafewyearsback,beforetheydebuted.

Puttingthephotographdown,Imakemywayacrossthehalltothesmallbathroom.Afterbrushingmyteethforthesecondtimetonight,Igotothebed,liftbackthesheets,andclimbinside.
Butjustlikeinthehotel,Ican’tseemtofallasleep.Risingagain,alittleworriednowthatIwon’tbeabletosleeptonightatall,IopenNathaniel’scloset.I’mfull-onsnooping,butIneed—

Onashelf,eye-levelwithme,isastuffedbear.Withblackbuttonsforeyesandabowtie.Igrabthebearfromtheshelf
andcrawlintobed.ImmediatelythecalmnessthatI’dbeenseekingallnightsettlesoverme.Thebear’ssoftheadfitsperfectly
beneathmychin.Itsmellsclean,likedetergent.

I’mdriftingintosleep,awonderfulfogfillingmymind.Asifinadream,Ihearadistantsquealasthefrontdooropens,
thenthecreakofthestairsfollowedbyfootstepsinthehall.Thelightswitcheson,glaringacrosstheroom.Isquintmy
eyesagainstthesuddenbrightness.

“Sori?”Nathanielgapesfromwherehestandsinthedoorway.“Whatareyoudoinginmybed?”Four
“IsthatBearemyBaggins?”Nathanielpointstothestuffedbearclaspedtomychest.
“Ifoundhiminthecloset,”Isaydefensively.
Ifeelabitlight-headed,andI’mnotsureifit’sfrombeingstartledawakeorNathaniel’spresence.Ican’trememberthe
lasttimewe’dbeenalonetogether,probablynotsinceweweredating.Itrytotransposethesixteen-year-oldboyhewas
thenwiththeeighteen-year-oldboywhostandsbeforemenow,butit’simpossible.Somuchabouthimhaschanged,atleast
physically.Hewasalwaysathletic,buthe’sgrownintohisbody,hisboyishsoftnessgone.He’swearinglayers,butthat
doesn’thidethefactthatbeneathhisshirtandsweater,hisshouldersarebroad,hischestleanandstrong.Iclingeven
tightertoBearemy.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”heasks,finally,andItakeadeepbreath.
“Icouldn’tsleep,andsoIdecidedtogetsomepizza,andIrememberedthenameofJoe’sPizzeriafromwhenIvisitedyou
thatsummer,butwhileIwasthere,IranintoNadine,whowouldn’tletmetakeataxibacktoManhattanthislateatnight,
andsoIendedupatyourhouse.”

Istareathim.Hestaresatme.
“Youdon’tevenlikeNewYorkpizza,”hesays.Thatwouldbehistakeawayfrommylong-windedexplanation.

“It’snotproperpizza,”Iexplain.“There’snocornorsweetpotatoesinthecrust.”
“Sori,that’sagoodthing.”

Nathanielturnsslightly,alertedbyasounddownthehall.Steppingthroughthedoor,heclosesitbehindhim.
Andnowwe’realonetogetherbehindacloseddoor.Hemustrealizethistoobecausehelooksawayfromme,onlyforhiseyestowidenslightly.

IfollowhisgazetowheremyblackT-shirtbradanglesfromthebackofhisdeskchairwhereI’dcarelesslytosseditbefore
climbingintobed.Mybodygoeshotallatonce.Hiseyesdartsharplytomine,andthenwebothlookaway.ThePikachuclock
onthebookcaseticksloudly,countingeachsecond.Ihaveamoment’shopethatmaybethisisallanawfuldream,buteven
mysubconsciouswouldn’tbesocruel.

MyphonechirpsonthenightstandandIpracticallydiveforit.
It’satextfrommyfather’ssecretary,averylengthyanddetailedtext.
“Iseverythingallright?”NathanielasksonceI’vefinishedreadingthewholemessage,andhisvoiceiscalm,even.
“Ihavealunchscheduledwithmygrandmotheratherhome.”
“Ah,”Nathanielsays,thenaddspolitely,“Thatsounds…fun?”Hemustberememberingthatmyfather’smotherisn’texactly
thekindest,mostlovinggrandmother.

“Myfather’ssecretarysentspecificationsonwhatsortofoutfitIshouldwear,somethingeleganttoquote‘befittheonlychildofafuturepresidentialcandidate.’Aphotographerwillbepresentattheestatetotakephotographsforanarticlethat’llrunalongsidemyfather’snewadcampaign.”
Nathanielletsoutalowwhistle.“YouandSunarelikethoserichpeopleindramas,”hesays,attemptingtolightenthemood.
Ishakemyhead.“Sunisonawholedifferentlevel.He’schaebol.”
Nathanielraisesabrow.“Andyou’renot?”
“Myfatherisanassemblyman,andmymotheristheCEOofJoahEntertainment.Neitherownsconglomerates.”
“Isthatall?”Nathanielsaysdryly.There’sasmirkonhisface,butashelooksaway,hissmilefades.
HereI’vebeenarguingthedifferencebetweenrichpeopleinKoreaandcomplainingaboutmywealthyfamilywhenhisparents
ownadry-cleaningservice.Notthatthat’snotcompletelyrespectable,butit’safarcryfrombeingmultimillionaires.Still,
they’vemanagedtohelpputallfourofhissistersthroughcollege,withoutNathaniel’searningsfromXOXO,asIknowtheyrefusedtotakemoneyfromhim.

Heclearshisthroat.“Ishouldgo.Youneedtosleep.You’reflyingbacktoKoreatomorrow,right?”
“IswearIdidn’tknowyouwerecominghometonight.”Guiltmakesmyvoicecrack.“IfIhad,Iwouldneverhavecomeback
whenNadineaskedme.”

“Sori,it’sfine.”Nathaniel’stoneisimmediatelygentle,kind.
I’mremindedofearliertonight,whenhe’dputmeinthetaxi.There’ssomuchhedoesforme,andIfeellikeI’malwaysintrudingintohislife.Eventhatsummer,he’dinvitedmetohishousewhenIneededtoescapefrommylifeinKoreaforafewweeks.He’salwaysgivingmesomuch,andIgivenothinginreturn.I’msupposedtobethewealthyone,buthe’stheonewho’sgenerous.
“OfcourseNadinemadeyoustay,”Nathanielsays.“There’snowayanyofmysisterswouldletyougobacktoyourhotelsolateatnight.”HesoundssoproudthatIcan’thelpsmiling.“Andyoucouldn’t
haveknownIwascomingovertonight.EvenIdidn’tknowuntilhalfanhourago,whenIthoughtitwouldbefunnytosurprise
mysisters.Joke’sonme.Iwastheoneinforasurprise.”

“Thenletmesleeponthecouch,atleast.”Ipushbackthesheets.
Buthe’salreadytakingastepbacktowardthedoor,hishandontheknob.“MysisterswouldkillmeifIletyousleepon
thecouch.Inanycase,you’vealreadyclaimedmythings.”Ifrown,notunderstanding.Heliftshischininthedirection
ofBearemyBaggins,whoIstillgraspinastranglehold.

“Night,Sori.”Heswitchesoffthelightbeforeclosingthedoorbehindhim.Ilieawake,listeningtothetreadofhisfootsteps
ashewalksdownthehall,thecreakofthestepsashedescendsthestairs.Itdoesn’tseempossible,buteventuallyIfall
asleep.

Therumblingofvoicesfromthekitchenbelowwakesmethenextmorning.Ipickupmyphonetoseethatit’scompletelydead.Afterfresheningupinthehallwaybathroom,Iheadtowardthestairs,pausinghalfwaywhenIhearNathaniel’ssleep-roughenedvoice.“Where’reMomandDad?”Ipeekaroundthestairwelltoseehe’ssittingonthesectional,hisbluehairmussedandstickingupinseveraldirections.
“They’revisitingHalmeoniandHarabeojiinToronto,”Noemi,hissecondeldestsister,answershim.She’swearingcolorful
scrubsandsitsononeofthetwosofachairsacrossfromthesectional.“Momisgoingtobesomadshemissedyou.”They’re
speakinginEnglish,andIhavetoconcentratetocatcheverywordthey’resaying.Cookingsoundstravelfromthekitchen,
aswellasthestrongaromaofsizzlingbacon.

“Youtoldusyouwouldn’tbeabletovisitthistrip,”Noemisayschidingly.
“I’msoflatteredthatallofyoushowedupforyouroneandonlylittlebrother’sconcert,”Nathanielcomplainsloudly.
“Aw,you’rewelcome.”ThisisfromNatalie,histhirdeldestsister,whositswithherlegspulledupontheothersofachair,
readingabook.

“Ifyouwantedustogo,youshouldhavesentustickets,”Nadinesays,fromjustbehindme.“Goodmorning,Sori.”Ifollow
hersheepishlydownthestairsandintothelivingroom.

“Didwewakeyou?”Noemiasks,perkingupatthesightofme.“Wecanbeabitmuchinthemorning.Howdidyousleep?”She’s
switchedfromEnglishtoKoreanformybenefit.

“Isleptwell,”Ireassureher,whichisthetruth.Isleptbetterlastnightthanmywholetrip,evenifitwasonlyfor
afewhours.

“How’dBearemyBagginssleep?”Nathanieldrawls.“Notperishedfromasphyxiation,Ihope?”
“YouletSorisleepwithBearemy?”Natalielooksupfromherbook.“Youwouldn’tletmetouchhimwhenweweregrowingup.”
“You’restillgrowing,”Nathanielsays,throwingoneofthecouchpillowsather.Sheeasilydeflectsitwiththebook.

“What’sforbreakfast?”Iask,pokingmyheadintothekitchen.“Itsmellsdelicious.”Spottingauniversalchargingstation
bythewall,Iplugmyphoneinandplaceitamongthemanydevices.

“Pancakes!”Nadinesays,followingmeintothekitchen.“Alsoeggs,bacon,sausage,andbreakfastpotatoes.”
“Sori’susedtoKoreanfoodforbreakfast,”Nathanielsays.“Rice.Soup.Vegetables.”
Nadineopensthefridge.“Wehavekimchi.Mightbeweirdwithpancakes.”
“No,please.”Ilaugh.“Ilovepancakes.”
“Goodmorning,Sori.”Nicole,Nathaniel’seldestsister,smilesatmefromwhereshe’scookingbythestove,andIquickly
bowtoher.

“I’lltakesomekimchi,”Nataliesays,pullingoutachairatthetable.
Hisothersistersfollowsuit,withNathanielandItakingtheirparents’usualseatsonoppositesidesofarectangulartable.
Iworrythatit’llbeawkward,withtheirbrother’sex-girlfriendintheirmidst,butit’slikeI’mnoteventhere,which
isexactlywhatputsmeatease.Theconversationislively,switchingbetweenEnglishandKorean.Theytalkovereachother,
laugh,interrupt,tease.It’sdifficulttogetawordin,butIdon’tmind,gratefultobeincluded.

“Eonni,”Isay,“canyoupasstheeggs?”AllfourofNathaniel’ssistersturntolookatme.I’dmeantNoemi,asshe’ssittingnearesttheeggs,butallhissistersstartreachingfordishestoofferme.
“Doyouwantanotherpancake,Sori?”ThisinEnglishfromNadine.
“Havemorebacon,Sori-yah.”ThisinKoreanfromNicole.
Noemistandsupfromherseattospoonaneggontomyplate,andNatalieoffersmekimchi.
“SogladI’veturnedinvisible,”NathanielcomplainsinEnglish,beforeswitchingtoKorean.“Sori,youwantgrapejuice?”
Hischairskidsagainstthetilesashestandsandmovestothefridge.“Whathappenedtothegrapejuice?”

“It’sintheoutdoorfridge,”Nadineanswerswithoutturningaround.
Heleavesthekitchenandheadstowardthegarage.Everyoneissilentuntilthebackdoorbangs.Thenallfoursistersstart
talkingatonce.

“Sori,I’msogladyou’rehere.”
“Wedidn’tthinkwe’dseeyouagainafter…”
“Thatsummeryoustayedwithuswasthebest.”
“NadineisstudyingabroadinSeoulthisspring.I’dfeelalotbetterifsheknewsomeoneinthecitybesidesNathaniel.”
IturntoNicole,who’dspoken,thentoNadine.“Youdidn’tsayanythinglastnight!Yes,pleasecontactmewhenyougetthere.
I’lltakeyoushopping.”It’stheleastIcandoafterallthekindnesstheirfamilyhasshownme.

Shegrins.“I’dlovethat.What’syournumber?”She’splugginginmynumberjustasNathanielreturnswiththegrapejuice.
Afterbreakfast,I’mshooedfromthekitchensothatNathanielandNataliecanclean.Afterquickgoodbyes,NicoleandNoemirunoutthedoor,withNicoledroppingoffNoemiattheclinicbeforegoingtoherjobattheelementaryschool.Nadinesprawlsonthecouchbesideme,flippingchannelsonthetelevision.Isitcross-leggedbeneathablanket,whichNoemihadcurledaroundmyshouldersbeforeshe’dleft,myhandscircledaroundtheglassofgrapejuice.
Mychestfeelswarm.Ihavetoleavesoontomakeitbacktothehotelintime,butIwanttostayalittlelonger.IhadfeltthiswaythelasttimeI’dvisited.Asif,evenifitwasonlyforashortwhile,Iwas
partofafamily,ahome
“Ooh,theKoreanchannel,”Nadinesays,settlingonachannel.“Ourgrandparentswatchthisoneeverymorningwhentheyvisit.”
Onthescreen,atelevisionpresentersitsatanewsdesk,afoggybackdropofthecapitalcity,Seoul,laidoutbehindher.

“Lastnight,around18:00,AssemblymanMinwasspottedleavingahotelsuite…”
Isituponthecouch,theblanketfallingoffmyshoulders.Thescreenchangestoalate-nightvideoofamanindarksunglasses
leavingthelobbyofahotel.“That’s—that’smyfather.”

“Wait,areyouserious?”Nadineraisesthevolume.
“Hewasaccompaniedbyanunidentifiedwomanwhowasnothiswife,SeoMinHee,CEOandfounderofJoahEntertainment.”
“Sori…”
Inadaze,Iplacetheglassonasidetable,standingtoretrievemyphonefromthechargingstation.Asitpowerson,itfloodswithmessagesandmissedcallsfrombothmyparents’secretaries.MyhandsareshakingsomuchthatIdropmyphoneanditclattersonthekitchenfloor.Ireachforit,butNathanielgetstherefirst,pickingitup.
“Areyouallright?”heaskssoftly,handingmethephone.
Idon’tknowhowtoanswerthat.I’mupset.I’mshocked.I’membarrassed.
“I-Ihavetogotothehotel.Ineedtopack.”
“I’lldriveyou,”Nadinesays.“Natalie,gettherestofSori’sthings.”
“I’msorry,”Nathanielsays,oncethey’regone,andIknowhe’srememberingthereasonwhyIcametohishomethatsummer.
Becauseofmyfather’sextramaritalaffairs,Iwasbeingbulliedatschool,treatedlikeanoutcast.Mymothercouldn’tdivorce
myfather—heownedtoomanysharesinhercompany.Andhewouldn’tdivorceher,notifhewantedtoonedaybepresident.
Itdidn’tmatterthattheyhatedeachother,thattheynolongersleptinthesameroom.Bythen,myfatherhadalreadymoved
out,livinginapenthousesuiteofahotel.Butsomehowinformationaboutourprivatelifehadleakedtothepublic,and
everyoneinschoolfoundoutaboutit.

Ibrokedowninthisverylivingroomthemorningwehadtoflyback.Ididn’twanttogobacktoKorea.Iwantedtostay
here,withhisfamily,withhim.
LookingatNathanielnow,it’salmostlaughablehowdifferentourlivesare.Seeingmyfatheronthenewsislikehavingabucketofice-coldrealitydumpedovermyhead.Iwasafooltohavecomehere.Ineedtoleave.Becausethelongeryoustayinadream,theharderitistowakeup.
Acalmnesssettlesoverme.Myhandsstopshaking.Thisismylife,thelifethatwasdealttome,butalsothelifethat
Ichoose.Acarhonksfromoutside—Nadine.

“Goodbye,Nathaniel,”Isay,turningfromhim.Nataliehandsmemycoatinthefoyer,thenholdsopenthedoor.Thistime
Iknow,whenIwalkoutofthishouse,I’mnotcomingback.
Five
SpringinSeoulisoneofmyfavoritetimesoftheyearasnewbudsappearontreesandthecity’smanyparksgrowlushwith
greeneryandflowers.AstreetvendoroffersmeastrawberryasIwaitforthebus,andIpurchaseabasketofthem,placing
themsnugatthebottomofmyreusableshoppingbag.Whenthebusarrives,it’sonlyhalffull,andItakeaseatbythewindow,
slidingitopentofeelthebreeze.

It’sbeenalittleovertwomonthssincethescandal,withmyfather’sPRteamworkingaroundtheclocktoclearhisname.
Immediatelyfollowingthenewsreport,histeamhadreleasedastatementthatthewomaninthephotographwashisassistant,
workingafterhourswithhimonhiscampaign.Allofwhicharetruefacts,evenifkeydetailswereleftout.He’dheldapressconferencethenextday,answeringreporters’questions,
withmymotherbesidehim,herpresencedoingmoreforhisimagethananystatement.IfSeoMinHee,styleicon,entrepreneur,and“WomanoftheYear,”supports
herhusband,thenclearlythenewsreportwasblownoutofproportion.

Luckily,Ididn’thavetoparticipate,asIwassomewhereoverthePacificatthetime.Though,sincethen,I’vehadtoappearina
fewpublicfamilyoutings,includingtoday’sluncheon.

WhenIgetoffatmystopinCheongdam,theroadislinedwithpink-huedcherryblossomtrees,andIpauseonmywaytotherestauranttotakeaphotoofmyselfbeneathone,postingittomySNSwithacherryblossomemojiasacaption.
MyparentsarealreadyseatedwhenIarriveatthesprawlingParisian-stylerestaurantlocatedonthegroundfloorofthe
SowonHotel.Icanalreadytellfromtheirtenseposturesthattheyhaven’tspokenawordtoeachotherbeyondaninitial
greeting.Afterbowingtothem,oneofthewaitstaffpullsachairbackfromthetableforme.

“Ah,Sori-yah,”myfatherbegins,asItakemyseat.Inhislatefifties,myfatherisahandsomeman,fit,withblackhair
streakedwithrespectablesilver.Leaningacrossthetable,heplaceshishandontopofmine.Behindus,Iheartherapid
clicksofacamerashutter.Heliftshishandandtheclickingsoundsstop.“Youlookwell.It’ssorarethatIgettosee
you.”

“Yousawherjusttheotherdayatthegolfcourse,”mymothersays,pickingupherchampagneglass,“ordidyounotnotice
withallthosepoliticians’wivesfawningoveryou?”

Ah,thatdidn’ttakeverylong.IwishIhadmyownchampagneglass,butIsettleforwater.
Mymotherisinherlateforties,beautifulandrefined,wearingaCelinesuit,herlipsaslashofred.Wheremanywomen
ofherwealthandstatusgetplasticsurgery,mymotherhasnevermadethatchoice.Shehaslinesonherface,andshewears
themwithelegance.

“Sori-eomma,”myfatherchides.“IonlymeantthatImissher.Soriisalwayssobusy.”
Thewaiterreturnsandmyfatherordersfromthesetmenuwithoutaskingouropinions.
“Sorishouldn’tspendhertimeonyourpoliticalcampaignanyway,”mymothersays.“Shemustcontinuetotrainifshewantstodebutthisyear.Ihavesomethingplannedforherinparticular.”
Myheartdropsintomystomach.Ihaven’ttoldheryetthatIdon’twanttodebut.Comingoffmyfather’sscandal,itwould
feellikeanotherbetrayal,exceptworse,becauseIatleastdon’tmakeahabitofdisappointingher.

“Train?”myfatherscoffs.“Sheshouldbespendinghertimeinamoreproductivemanner.Idolshavenorespect.”
“Iwasanidol.”Mymothersipsherchampagne.
SeoMinHeewasafirst-generationidol,alongwithLeeHyorifromFin.K.L.andEugenefromS.E.S.Shewasattheheightof
hercareerwhenshemetmyfatherandtheystarteddating.Aftershebecamepregnantwithme,theymarriedandsheretired
fromthatsideoftheindustry.She’sneversaiditaloud,butsometimesIwonderifthereasonshewantsmetobecomeanidolisbecauseherdreamwascutshort.

“Sori-yah,”myfathersays,asifmymotherhadneverspoken,“Iforgottotellyou,butIhavesomeoneI’dlikeyoutomeet.”
Theguiltinmystomachturnstodread.Sincegraduation,myfatherhasbeensettingmeuponblinddateswiththesonsof
hisinfluentialfriends,withthehopethatIwoulddateandeventuallymarryoneofthem.Thefrequencyatwhichthesedates
occurredhadslowedafterthescandal.Iwashopingthey’dendedaltogether.Ilooktomymotherforhelp,butshe’ssifting
throughhersaladforacrouton.

“HisnameisBaekHaneul.HismotherownsrestaurantsinSeoul,aswellasDaeguandUlsan.I’llhaveSecretaryLeeschedule
atimeforyoutomeethim.”

“Soriwillmeethim,”mymotherinterjects,“butonlyifshehastimebetweenherdancelessons.”
SometimesIfeellikeI’mthebattlefielduponwhichmyparentsarefighting
“Yes,Abeoji.”
Thefoodarrives,butI’velostmyappetite.Havingalreadydiscussedalltheimportantmatters,wespendthemealmostly
insilence,withanoccasionalcommentonthequalityofthefood.

Asthemealwindsdown,myfatherclearshisthroat.“There’stalkthatJoahishavingfinancialdifficulties.Iwarnedyou
nottogettooambitious.Youmightlosethecompany.”

IlookupatmymotherfromwhereI’dbeenpokingmyparfait.“Isthattrue?”
ThisisthefirsttimeI’veheardthatthecompanyhasbeenfacinganyproblems.LastIheard,Joahwasontheupwardpath,
havingacquiredDreamMusic,anotherentertainmentcompany,aswellasfinalizedthepaperworktorenovateanewbuilding
forJoah’sheadquarters.Joah’ssuccessiswhymymotherisreceivingaTrailblazerAwardatthisyear’sEBCAwards,oneof
themostprestigiousinourindustry.

“Youshouldn’tlistentorumors,Sori-abeoji,”mymotherscoldslightly.“Andit’snottrue.”
Iwanttoaskhermorequestions,butIwon’t,notinfrontofmyfather.Imightbethebattlefieldonwhichmyparentsfight,
butIrefusetogivethemweaponstowieldagainsteachother.

Myfatherpays,andtogetherwewalkoutfromtherestauranttothelobbyofthehotel,ourheelsclick-clackingagainstthemarbledtiles.It’sstartedtorainwhilewe’vebeenindoors,andthehotelattendantsarequicktoopenlarge,darkumbrellas,holdingthemaboveourheadsasthecarspulluptothecurb.FirstSecretaryLeedrivesupinmyfather’sexpensiveimport.Ibowwithmymotherasheslidesintothebackseat.ThenIbowtomymotherbeforesheleavesinherownsleekvehicle.
Thehotelattendantsignalsforoneoftheluxurycabswaitinginalineforguests,butIshakemyhead.
Grabbingastrawberryfrommybag,Ipopitintomymouthbeforeliftingtheentirebagovermyheadandrunningoutinto
therain.
Six
It’sstillrainingthreedayslaterwhenJoahsendsavantopickmeupforaradioshowappearanceforTheWooriandWoogiShowatEBC.SecretaryParkisalreadyseatedwhenIclimbinside,peeringdownathertabletwhilespeakinglowintoherBluetooth.
Inodatthedriverthroughtherearviewmirror,clippingonmyseatbeltasheslowlymaneuversthevandownthenarrowstreet
frommyhouse,locatedatthetopofthehill.

Afterafewturns,thecarpassesthesmallcornerconveniencestorewheremymotherusedtotakemetogeticecreamafter
school,beforethesuccessofhercompanyclaimedmoreofherattention.Aworkerpressesthedooropenwithherback,emerging
withabasketof?7000umbrellas.Imovemyfaceclosertothewindow.Overhead,graycloudsgatherabovethecity.

ThevantravelssouthoverthebridgeintoGangnam,andwehitstandstilltrafficnearthebroadcastingcenter.Ileanback
intheseat,scrollingthroughSNS,asrainpattersagainstthewindow.

Jennypostedacarouseltoherfeedanhourago.Thepicturesarefromlastweek,takenatamuseuminNewYorkCitywhere
shemusthaveperformedwithsomeofherclassmates.Afewofthephotosareoftheartexhibits,butthelastisacandid
ofJenny.Thepersonwhotookitcapturedhermid-laugh.Shelooksebullient,happy.Athick,uncomfortablefeelinglodges
inmychest,andIturnmyphonefacedownonmylap.

SecretaryParkglancesupfromhertablet.“Issomethingthematter?”
Ishakemyhead,peeringbackoutthewindowattheblurrystreetsigns.
Ihaven’ttalkedtoJennyinoveraweek.Iknowshe’sbusy.ShehasclassesandJaewooandherNewYorkfriends,alongwith
thataudition.GiTaekandAngela,ourfriendsfromhighschool,wouldsaytojusttellJennyImissher,butIdon’twanttoburdenherwhenshe’salreadystressed.It’sbetterifIjustdealwithmyfeelings
onmyown.

Thedrivermanagestoescapetraffic,pullingintothegarageatEBCfifteenminutesearly.Thebroadcastingcenterisatall,
multipurposebuildingwithstudiosontheupperlevelsandasoundstageonthebottomfloorwheretheirweeklymusicshows
arerecorded.

“Welcome!”Woori,ourhost,greetsusasSecretaryParkandIenterthespaciouswaitingareaoffthefifth-floorelevator.
She’saheadshorterthanmewithroundcheeksandrosypinkhair.

Thetwootherguestsfortheshowhavealreadyarrived,seatedonaplushleathersofa.TheyquicklystandasIintroduce
myself.“MynameisMinSori,”Isay,afterashortbow,“amodelandtraineewithJoah.”

Atall,slendergirlwithfashionablythinbangsreturnsmybow.“MynameisTsukumoriRina,”shesays.“I’matraineewith
Neptune,thoughIdebutedinJapan…”Shetrailsoffwitharuefulsmile,implyingit’scomplicated
Ismileback,wonderingifsheknowsAngelaandGiTaek.They’realsotraineesatNeptune.BeforeIcanaskher,thesecond
girlintroducesherself.

“AndI’mLeeByeol,anactresswithKSEntertainment.Ialreadydebuted.Youmightknowmydrama,SpringtimeBlossom.”

“Isthatanadaptationfromthewebnovel?”Iask.Ihaven’theardofherdrama,butI’vereadthewebnovel.Thoughadmittedly
it’snotoneofmyfavorites.I’mnotabigfanofthe“loveatfirstsight”trope.Ipreferasecond-chanceromance.

Iamcurioustoknowmoreaboutweb-novel-to-screenadaptations,however,asSunwillbestarringinonefairlysoon,anadaptation
ofapopularromanticfantasywebnovel.

“Itis,”Byeolsays,wrinklinghernose.“Pleasetellyourfriendstowatchit.”
WemoveintotherecordingstudiowherethebrotherhalfofTheWooriandWoogiShowspeakswiththeproducer.He’sthesameheightashistwin,wearinghexagonalwire-framedglasses,hishairdyedalight
blue-grey.Afterintroductionsarerepeated,hegoesovertherunofshow.Thesetupisstandardforcelebrity-runradioshows—Woori
andWoogithemselvesareindiemusicians.Inbetweenplayingmusic,we’llhaveshortsegmentsinwhichtheywillaskouropinions
onquestionsthatlistenerswillcallinwith,andthen,attheendofthehour,we’llplayashortgame.

Eachofthegueststakesoneofthethreeseatsacrossfromthehosts.Ilettheothertwodecidewheretositbeforepulling
outthelastseatbesideRina.Thehostsandtheproducershowushowtousetheheadsetsandmicrophonesandexplainhow
oncewe’reonair,everythingwesaywillbebroadcastedliveontheradio.

Itakeadeepbreathtocalmmynerves.Thisismyfirsttimeasaguestonaliveradioshow,butI’velistenedtohundreds
ofshowsjustlikethisone,andIknowwhattoexpect.

Theproducerstartscountingdownaloud.“Five…four…three…”Thenwithjusthisfingers.Two…one…
“WelcometoTheWooriandWoogiShow!”thesiblingssaytogether.

“Thethemeoftoday’sepisodeisRisingStars,”Woorisays,“andhereinthestudiowehavethreeincrediblenewtalents:
rookieactress,LeeByeol,idoltrainee,Rina,andmodel,MinSori!”

“Let’swelcomeourguests!”Woogiclaps.
Eachofusintroducesourselvesbeforemovingontothefirstcaller,anolderwomanwhoaskshowshecangetherdaughter
toconcentrateonherschoolworkandstopchasingidols.

LeeByeolsaysthatherdaughtershouldwatchdramasinstead,likeSpringtimeBlossom.Frombehindthewindowofthecontrolroom,LeeByeol’smanagergiveshertwothumbsup.

Thenit’sRina’sturn,andshetimidlysuggeststhatthewomantakethegirltoseeherfavoriteidolsatfansigningevents.
“Asanincentiveford-doingherschoolwork.”

“Youwantmetobribemydaughter?”thewomanresponds,whichcausesRinatoflushlikeapeach.
“Whataboutyou,Sori-ssi?”Woogiasks.“Whatadvicewouldyougivethiscaller’sdaughter?”
“CanIaddressthedaughterdirectly?”Iask.
Woogi’seyeswidenbehindhisglasses,buthenods.“Yes,ofcourse.”
“Student,”Isay,sinceIdon’tknowhername.“Iunderstandthatyouwanttobeclosetoyourfavoriteidolsbecausetheymakeyouhappy,buttherearewaystosupportthemwithoutfollowingthemaround.WayslikeRina-ssisuggested,”Iadd,andRinasmilesatmeappreciatively.“But—andthisisonlymyopinion—thebestwaytoshowlovetoothersistoshowlovetoyourself.”It’ssomethingJennyhadsaidtome,backwhenwewerestudentsatSAA.Youneedtobestrongforyourselffirst…beforeyoucanbestrongandgivehappinesstoothers.“Ithinkyourfavoriteidolswouldbehappiestknowingthatitwasthroughwatchingthemgoaftertheirdreamsthatyouwent
afteryourown.”

Woorinodswithapproval.“Thatwaslovely,Sori-ssi.”
Ifeelalittlesillygivingadvicetosomeonewhoisn’tthatmuchyoungerthanme,butalsoI’mnotgoingtotellthemto
dotheirschoolwork.Thatwouldfeeldisingenuous.

Afterthat,there’sashortmusicbreak,duringwhichanassistantbringsuseachaglassofwater.
“AmIdoingallright?”IturntoRinawhoaskedthequestion.“I’veneverbeenonaradioprogrambefore,”shesays,fidgeting
withherbangs.

Iconsiderherquestion,oratleastthereasonwhyshemighthaveaskedit.Itwouldbeeasytosayyesandleaveitatthat,
andyet…

“It’snaturaltobenervous,”Isaygently,“butyoudon’thavetorushtoanswerthequestions.Youcantakeyourtimeand
answerthemwithconfidence.”

Sheblinksatmeafewtimes,thenawobblysmilespreadsacrossherface.“Yes,I’lldothat.Thankyou!”
Asmyeyesleaveher,InoticeSecretaryParkwatchingmethroughthewindow.Iraiseabrow,butsheshakesherhead—it’snothing
Anhourisn’tverylong,andsoonwe’removingontothelastsegmentoftheshow.
“Todaywe’llbeplaying…”Wooripausesfordramaticeffect.“Drumroll,please.”
Woogipattershisfingersagainsthismic.“TheCalltheMostFamousPersoninyourPhoneGame!”
“No!”RinaandByeolsquealinmock-protest.Isighinwardly.I’mnotsurprisedthehosts—ortheproducer,forthatmatter—chose
thisgame.It’sawayfortheshowtofeaturemorecelebritiesthanthoseinvitedandthereforegainmorelisteners.Forthe
guests,it’sachancetoshowofftheircelebrityfriends.Themorefamousthefriend,themorecloutthey’llhave,andif
theyhaveacloserelationship,that’sevenmoreimpressive.

“We’llhaveRina-ssigofirst,”Woogisays.“Rina-ssi,who’sthemostfamouspersoninyourphone?”
“Maybe,Nini-san?”shesays,referringtooneoftheJapanesemembersofarookieidolgroup.
Ninianswersonthesecondring.“Rina-chan!”sheshouts,earninglaughterfromthehosts.
LeeByeolthencallsthecostarfromherdrama,whoalsohappenstobeanidol.Theirconversationispoliteandbrief—clearly,
they’renotclose.Butashe’scurrentlyatrendingactor,thenumberofonlinelistenersincreases,withthelivechat—visible
onawall-mountedmonitor—pickingupwithcomments.IwatchasWooriandWoogiexchangeglanceswiththeirproducer.

“Nowit’syourturn,Sori-ssi,”Woogisays.
“Asyouknow,”Ibegin,speakingslowlyfordramaticeffect,“I’mfromJoahEntertainment…”Imightnotaspiretobeanactress,butthatdoesn’tmeanIcan’tappreciatedrama.
“ThehomeofXOXO!”Wooriexclaims.“DoyouhappentohaveBaeJaewoo’snumber?”
Woori’splayingrightintomyhands.
“Ido,”Isay,thenclarifysoasnottospreadanyfalserumors.“He’sareliableseonbaetoeveryoneinthecompany.”
Atthisinformation,everyoneinthestudiosighs,andIsmile,pleasedwithmychoice.I’dknownfromthestartthatIwould
callJaewoo.Notjustbecausehe’spopular,butbecausehe’llknowalltherightthingstosay.He’smysafestoption.

“ShouldIcallhim?”Itease.IhandovermyphonewithJaewoo’scontactpulledup.Hisnumberispluggedin,anditstarts
toring.

Itrings.
Andringsandrings.Thencutsoffwith,“Thispersonisunabletoacceptthecall…”
There’sashortbeatofsilenceinwhichRinaoffersmeapityingglance.I’mtheonlyguestwhosecelebrityfrienddidn’t
pickuptheircall.

“Oh,well,itislaterintheday,”Woorisays,consolingly,“anddidn’ttheyjustreturnfromParis?”

TheworldtourthathadbegunsomanymonthsagofinallyendedinParislatelastnight,localtime.Themembersmusthave
flownbacktoSeoulimmediatelyfollowingthelastconcert.

“Westillhaveacoupleofminutes,solet’strysomeoneelse,”Woogisays.Hereachesformyphone,whichisstillonthetable,andstartsscrollingthroughmycontacts.Iwinceatthebreachofprivacy;hemustbedesperatetoretainlisteners.ThenumbershadquicklyrisenattheprospectofJaewoo,butjustasquicklydroppedwhenitbecameclearhewouldn’tmakeanappearance.
Woogicontinuestoscroll,thenumberoflistenersdecreasingwitheverysecondthatpasses.Ihaveanideatocallmydance
instructor,whoisn’texactlyacelebritybuthasworkedasachoreographerandbackupdancertosomeofthebiggeststars.
“Whatabout—?”

“‘Boyfriend’?”Woogireads.Ahushfallsoverthestudio.Woogi’seyeswiden,realizinghespokealoud.Anice-coldfeeling
sweepsthroughmeasIrealizewhat’shappened.

“That’sanoldnumber,”Isayquickly.
There’samomentwhenoureyesmeet,beforeWoogicutshisgazetotheproducer.Onthescreen,thelivechatexplodeswith
comments.Heputsthecallthrough.Itrings.

Andringsandrings.Isighwithrelief.
Theringingcutsoffwithaclick.
“Someonepickedup,”Rinawhispersintotheshortsilence.Then…
“Sori?”Nathaniel’svoicecomesthroughthespeaker,thickenedwithsleep.
BothWooriandWoogiperkup.
“Hello,”Woogisays,“mayweaskwhomwe’respeakingto?”
IdartmygazetoSecretaryPark,willinghertostopthis.IfNathanielgiveshisname,it’llbeadisaster.It’llbeascandal
thatXOXOwillneverrecoverfrom.

“Who’sthis?”Nathanielasksinsteadofansweringthequestion.
“He’ssmart,”Woorimuttersbeneathherbreath.
“Doyourecognizethatvoice?”ByeolsaystoRina.“Whydoesitsoundsofamiliar?”
“ThisisWoogifromTheWooriandWoogiShow.We’reherewithMinSori.Butplease,telluswhowe’respeakingto.”

“Whydon’tyouguess?”Nathanieldrawls.Hesoundsmoreawakenow.There’sacreakingsound,asifhe’ssatupinbed.
“Youweresavedunder‘Boyfriend’inMinSori’scontacts,”Woorisays.
Myeyesdarttoher.IfIwasn’tsoanxious,I’dbemortified.
There’salongpause.“Isee.”
“Whydoyouthinkthatis?”Woogiasks,clearlyfishingforinformation.
“Whydon’tyouaskher?”Nathanielresponds.Eveninmycurrentstate,IcanadmitthatthewayNathanieldodgeseachquestion
isimpressive.

“Yousoundtired,”Woorimuses.“Wereyousleeping?It’snotevendinnertime.”
“I’mabouttoeatdinner,”Nathaniellies.It’sclearhewasasleepbeforethecallwokehimup.Because,asamemberofXOXO,
hewasalsojustinParis.

“Wehavetogotocommercial,”theproducerwhispersoff-mic.
“Well,itlookslikeourtimeisup,”Woorisays,andtheregretinhervoiceispalpable.“You’llhavetoremainamystery,
‘Boyfriend.’”

Nathanielrespondswithalightlaugh,thenthelineclicks.
Asanadforadeliveryappbeginstoplay,theproducerlowersthevolume,approachingmewithhisheadbowed.HeglancesatSecretaryParkthroughthewindowwho’sshootingdaggersoutofhereyes.“Ihopeyou’llforgiveour…enthusiasm.Wehaddoublethenumberoflistenersattheendcomparedtothebeginning,andthatwasjustonlinelisteners.We’llhavetowaittogetourfullnumbers,butthankstoyou,theyshouldbeverysatisfactory.”

“Ofcourse,”Isay,pastingonasmile.It’salreadydone—noharmcameofit,besidesmywoundedpride.
LeeByeolandRinajoinmeasIwalkoutofthestudio.“Whowasthat,Sori-ssi?”Byeolasks.“Theboyontheradio.”
“Hewasmyfirstboyfriend,”Isay,keepingmyvoicecasual.“BackwhenIwasinschool.He’snotacelebrity.”It’sbest
toincludesometruthswhentellingalie.

“Oh,”Rinasaysdreamily.“Itmusthavesurprisedhimtogetacallfromyou.Maybehe’llreachouttoyouafterthis.”
“We’vebothmovedon.It’sbesttoleavefirstloveswheretheybelong.”Iwavemyhandintheair.“Inthepast.”
Rinanodseagerly.“You’resowise,Sori-ssi.”
LeeByeolstudiesme,wearingathoughtfulexpression.“Notacelebrity,huh?Strange,buthisvoiceseemedveryfamiliar.”Seven
Fortherestoftheweek,IrelivethemomentWooritoldNathanielhewassavedas“Boyfriend”inmycontacts.Itcatches
meunawares—onthetreadmill,intheshower.Andhisresponse,Isee.
Whatdidhesee?It’smortifyingtothinkthathethinksImightstillbepiningafterhim.Igrabtheneareststuffedanimalonmybedandburymyfaceinitsstomach.

“Sori-yah?”Ajumma’svoicetravelsfromdownstairs.“MinSori,areyouawake?”
Releasingthestuffedanimal,Itripoutofbedandopenthedoor.“Ajumma?”Icallback.
“Comedown!Breakfastisready!”
Ihurrytothebathroomtobrushmyteethandwashmyface.Lastnight,Ipickedoutmyoutfitfortheday,andIquickly
changeintothewhiteruffledblouseandlightbluejeans.AsIclosemybedroomdoorbehindme,myeyesflittothemaster
suiteattheendofthehall.It’smymother’sbedroom,butshehasn’tsleptthereinoveramonth,eitherbecauseshe’straveling
onbusinesstripsorstayingovernightatthecompany.

IwonderifIshouldpackupclothestobringtoher.Issheskippingmeals?Atleastwhenshecomeshome,shecanhaveproper
meals,asAjummaisoneofthefewpeoplemymotherwilllistentowhenshetellshersheneedstoeat.Sincebeforeraising
me,sheraisedher
Itoeonmyhouseslippersatthebottomofthestairsandheadacrossthefrontentrancetothediningroom.Thoughit’searlyinthemorning,thechandeliersparklesoveranarrayofdishesthatmyhousekeeperhaslaidoutonthelongtable.
Ipullthechairbackfromthetableandsitdown,admiringthespread.Surroundingasmallgrilledfishonabedoflettuce
areahalfdozenvegetables,bothpickledandfreshlyprepared.Directlyinfrontofmeisabowlofbeef-and-radishsoup,
severalscoopsofthick,fluffyrice,andasmallplatethatholdsasingleperfectlycookedsunny-sideupegg.

“Thankyouforthemeal,”Isay,beforepickingupthecoolmetalchopsticks,cuttingoffapieceofegg,andplacingitbetween
mylips.

“Mm,”Ajummasaysapprovingly,asshetakestheseatoppositeme.“Eatlots.”
Ajummaisinherlatesixties,andI’veknownhermywholelife.Myfamilyusedtoalsoemployadriver,butmyfathertook
Mr.Kimwhenheleft.

MymothergotAjummaandthehouse.MyfathergotAjeossiandthecar.Andtheysplitme.
Asusual,there’sonlyoneplacesettingatthelongtable.I’veaskedAjummatojoinmeformeals,butsherefuses.It’s
aquietaffairasIreachmychopsticksacrossthetable,myspoonlightlyclinkingagainsttherimofthebowl.Notforthe
firsttime,I’mremindedofthatmorningatNathaniel’shousewhenheandhissistershadtoscrambleovereachothertograb
dishes,fillingtheairwithlivelychatter.

“Sori?”IglanceuptofindAjummawatchingmewithacreasebetweenherbrows.“Youlooktired.Areyousleepingwell?”
Whenit’snotdreamsoftheembarrassingmomentontheradioshow,it’sdreamsofNewYork,notjustthatmorningatNathaniel’s
house,butthenightbefore,whenIsawhimattherestaurantforthefirsttimeinseveralmonths.Howatfirstitwasawkward,
becausewedidn’tknowhowtoactaroundeachother,butthen,asweworkedtogethertoprotectJenny,andlaterasheteased
meathishouse,itwaslikehavingaglimmerofwhatwewerelikebefore,whenwewerefriends.

“I’mfine,”Isay.“I’llgotobedearliertonight.”
Sheclickshertongue,clearlynotsatisfied.
“I’mseeingGiTaekandAngelatoday,”Isaytodistracther.
Itworksbecauseherexpressionimmediatelybrightens.ShemetAngelaandGiTaekwhenIbroughtthemtothehouse,where
sheproceededtothankthemforbeingmyfriends.GiTaeklikestoremindmeofthismomentasoftenaspossible.She’salso
metJenny,whostayedwithmelastsummerwhenshewasn’tathergrandmother’s.I’dcaughtAjummalookinginonuswithactual
tearsofjoyinhereyes.It’sembarrassing,butIcan’tblameher.BeforeJenny,whocameasapackagedealwithGiTaek
andAngela,Ihadn’thadanyfriends.Well,besidesNathanielandJaewoo.

“Actually,IneedtoleavesoonifI’mtomeetthemontime.”Iplacemychopsticksonthechopstickrest.
“Yes,ofcourse!”shesays.“Youmustn’tkeepthemwaiting.”
Feelingasuddenrushofaffectionandgratitude,Imovearoundthetableandpressakisstohercheek.“Thankyouforthe
meal,”Isay.

“Sweetgirl,”shesays,pattingmyback.“Always.”
“Sori!”Angelaspotsmeacrossthecoffeeshop,pressingherhandtoherheadtokeepherberetfromflyingoffasshewindsaroundthetables.
Afterahug,sheplopsontothecushionedseatoppositeme.
“Where’sHongGiTaek?”Iask.Theyweresupposedtocometogether.ThiscoffeeshopisonesubwaystopawayfromNeptune
Entertainment,wherebothofthemaretrainees,GiTaekhavingjoinedsoonaftergraduation.

Hereyeswidenandsheturnsinherseat.“He’snotbehindme?”
Ilaugh.“Heprobablypoppedintoastorewhileyouweren’tlooking.”
Sheturnsbackwithagrin.“TherewasanOliveYoungoutsidethesubwaystation.”
“Iwasonaradioshowwithsomeonefromyourcompany,”Itellheroncewe’veplacedourordersatthecounterandreturned
tothetablewithourdrinks.“TsukumoriRina.”

“Rina!”Angelaexclaims.“She’sasweetheart.”
“Aw,don’ttellmeyou’retalkingaboutmeagain?”GiTaekpullsoutachairnexttoAngela,grabbingthedrinkshebought
forhimandbringingittohischerry-tintedmouth.

“Yah,HongGiTaek,”Isay.“Wewerewonderingwhenyou’dmakeanappearance.”
“Igotdistracted,”hesays,holdinguphisshoulderbag.“Igotagift…”—hebringsthebagtohischest—“forme!”
Irollmyeyes.“Youshouldcomeovertomyhousesoon.Myhousekeeperwantstoseeyouboth.”
“Rememberwhenshethankedusforbeingyourfriends?”GiTaeklaughs,afactthatIdon’tthinkhe’lleverletgo.
“No.”Ifeignignorance.“Didshesaythat?”
Themorningandafternoonflybyaswecatchuponwhatwe’vebeenuptosincewelastsaweachother,eventuallymovingto
anothercafé,andthenathird.WeendupatSubwayfordinner.

“ImissJenny!”Angelasaysbeforeproceedingtotakealargebiteofhertunasub.
“Maybeshe’sforgottenus,”GiTaeksays,twirlinghisstraw.“NowthatshehasherfancyNewYorkfriends.”
Iknowhe’sjoking,butit’sclosetowhatI’vebeenthinkinglately.MyphonebuzzesandIquicklyreachforit.
“Jenny?”GiTaekasks.
Ishakemyhead.“It’sfrommymother.”Iskimthemessage.“ShewantsmetocometoJoahearlytomorrowmorning.”
GiTaekandAngelaexchangeaglance.IfilledtheminonmydecisionnottobecomeanidolwhenIgotbackfromNewYork.
Theyweresad,asitwasadreamthethreeofusshared,buttheysupportedme.ThoughAngelashedafewtears.

“Youhaven’ttoldheryet?”GiTaeksays.

“IwishIknewhowshewouldtakeit.Ifeellikeit’sbeenherdreamformelongerthanitwassomethingIhadeverwanted.”

“Youneedagameplan,”GiTaeksays.“Youhavetogiveyourmomabettercareerpathforyouthanbeinganidol.”
Inodslowly.“That’sagoodidea,butIdon’tknowwhatthatis.”
“Youcouldbeastylist!”Angelasays.“You’realwayssostylish,Sori.”
“Oradanceinstructor.RememberwhenyoutaughtJennywhenshetookthatdanceclass?”
Idon’tknowifeitherofthosearerightforme,butIwouldfeelbetterhavingaplan.Mymothermighthavepersonalreasonswhyshewantedmetodebutasanidol,butshe’salsoabusinesswoman.
IfIcangiveheranalternativepathformethat’sabetteruseofmytime—atleastinhereyes—thenmaybeshewon’tbeso
disappointed.

“Weshoulddosomethingtocelebrateyoudecidingtotalktoyourmother,”GiTaeksays,andAngelanodseagerly.
There’safamiliarglintinhiseye,andIknowwhathisanswerwillbeevenbeforeIask,“Whatdidyouhaveinmind?”
“Noraebang!”AngelaandGiTaekshouttogether.Eight
Wetakethesubwaytothenextstationovertofindakaraokeroom,choosingoneatrandomnearExit4.It’sonthethird
floorofabuildingthatcontainsmultiplebusinesses,includingaseafoodrestaurantonthesecondfloorandabilliardhall
onthefifth.GiTaekpaysfortwohours’useoftheroom,whileAngelaandIinspectthesmallselectionofsnacksandsodas.
Weconnecteyesbrieflyoverthecounterbeforegrabbingasmanyitemsaswecan,thenfightingoverwhogetstopay.

Wepileintothesmallroom.GiTaekimmediatelygoesfortheremotecontrol,hisfingersflyingoverthekeysashequeues
upthefirstfewsongs.Angelaheadsstraightforthetambourine,twirlingitexpertlyinherhand.Theloudopeningchord
ofBigBang’s“FantasticBaby”plays,andIrealizeit’sgoingtobethatkindofnight.

Whatisitaboutsingingatthetopofyourlungsinasmallroomwiththepeopleyoulovebestthatmakesallyourworries
disappear?Sometimeswesingtogether,othertimesasduos—GiTaekandIperformaballadthathasAngelainliteraltears—or
assolos,becauseeveryoneenjoysagoodspotlightmomentwhensingingtheirfavoritesongs.

WhileGiTaekandAngelachannelChanyeolandPunch,aglowoflightcatchesmyattention,andIturntoseeGiTaek’sphone
islitup.Ireachforit.

“HongGiTaek!”Ishout,andholdthephoneupsothatthescreen’sfacinghim.Hestepsaroundthetableandtakesit.Glancingatthescreen,hebringsittohisear.
“Yah,saekki,”hesays,playfully.“Tookyoulongenoughtocallmeback.”
AngelabeginstorapChanyeol’spartofthesongandIlosemymind,screaminglikeI’mbeingmurdered.
GiTaekpresseshishandtohiseartobetterhearhisfriend.“Ican’tplayrightnow,I’moutwithfriends.We’reatanoraebang
nearExit4.Comejoinus.”

IscowlatGiTaek.Ishereallyinvitingoneofhisgamerfriendstocrashournight?
ButGiTaek’salreadyrollinghiseyes.Apparently,hisfriendrejectedtheoffer.“Heol,”GiTaekdrawls.“Iseehowitis.”
Hefinallynoticesmewatchinghim.“Yourloss.”

Atthatmoment,Angela’ssongendsandtheopeningnotestoGirl’sDay’s“Something”begins.Isquealandrushtomyfeet
asAngelahandsoverthemic.Immediately,Igetonmyhandsandknees,asthechoreographyforthesongbeginswithasexy
floordance.

Angelascreams,pretendingtofaintontothevinylseats,andGiTaekhollers,eventhoughhe’sstillonthephone.
Normally,Iwouldneverattempttobethistypeofsexy,stretchingmyarmsabovemyheadacrossthefloorandgyratingmy
hips,butIfeelconfidentandsafewithAngelaandGiTaek,alsoit’sfun.

“MinSori!MinSori!”Angelastartschantingmyname.
“I’mhangingup,”IhearGiTaeksay,throwinghisphoneontotheseat.Itimmediatelylightsupagain—hisfriendcallinghimback—butGiTaekignoresit,takingupthetambourinetocheermeon.
Timepassesquicklyandsoonourtwohoursintheroomarealmostover.Thecountdownclockonthescreenwarnsthatweonly
haveanotherfifteenminutesuntilweeitherhavetovacatetheroomorpayformoretime.

“Shouldweaddanotherhour?”GiTaekasks.
“Yes!”AngelaandIshouttogether.
“Howaboutweplayagame?”GiTaeksuggests.“Whoeverhasthelowerscoreattheendhastopay.”
JennyhadplayedasimilargamewithJaewoothefirsttimethey’dmet,beforesheknewwhohewas.Iwassurprisedwhenshe’d
toldme,onlybecauseitseemedoutofcharacterforhim.Hewasn’ttheadventuroustype,notlikeNathaniel,whoalwaysmanaged
tosurpriseme,catchingmeoffguardinmomentswhenI’dleastexpectit.

“DoyouhaveanyideahowmanynoraebangtherearenearExit4?”alow,breathlessvoicesaysfrombehindme.
“Nathaniel!”Angelashouts.
Itwistaroundinmyseat.Hestandsinthedoorway,wearingapaddedjacketoverblackjeans.Hishair—stilldyedthatdistinct
midnightblue—curlsslightlyaroundearsthatglintwithpiercings.Saunteringintotheroom,heflopsontothewornseat
besideme,andhiswood-scentedcolognesetsmyheadtospinning.

“Ithoughtyouwereatyourapartmentplayingvideogames,”GiTaekdrawls.
IgapeatGiTaek.Nathanielwasthefriendhewasspeakingto?

Nathanielshrugs,hishandsstillinthepocketsofhisjacket.“Mysisterwantedmetobringhersomethingatherdorm.It’saroundhere.”
Nadine.I’mstruckwithapangofguilt.She’dtextedmewhenshearrivedinSeoulforherstudyabroadprogram,butIneverresponded,
tooembarrassedathowIleftherhouseaftermyfather’sscandal.

“SoIthought,whynotstopoverandgraceyouallwithmypresence?”
“Ifeelgraced!”Angelasays.
“Really,youshouldn’thave,”GiTaekdeadpans.
IstudyNathanieloutofthecornerofmyeye.Thelasttimewesaweachotherwastwomonthsago,inthelivingroomofhis
house.DidhediscussthescandalwithhissistersafterIleft?Itwouldhurtmetoknow,butIwouldn’tblamethemifthey
pitiedme.

“CanIhaveoneofthese?”MybodytensesasNathanielreachesacrossmylegstothetable,grabbingasoda.Afteralong
drink,hereachesoveragain,thistimeretrievingabagofchips.

Asit’sdonethiswholeweek,mymindchoosestoremindmethatNathanielmightbelievethatIstillhavefeelingsforhim.
Ifeelmortified,butalsonervous.Idon’tknowwhathe’sthinking.Whatifheasksmeabouttheradioshow?

Whenheleansback,henoticestheawkwardwayI’msitting.“Oh,sorry,”heapologizeswithasheepishsmile,rubbingthe
backofhishead.“Notalotofroominhere.Youwantone?”

Mymouthfeelsdry,soIlickmylipstowetthem.Ineedtostopactingsonervous.Ifheasksabouttheradioshow,I’ll
simplytellhimthatIhadforgottentochangehisnamebackfrom“Boyfriend”inmycontacts,whichIimmediatelydidafter
therecording.

“Sure.”Myvoicecomesoutbreathy,havinghelditfortoolong.
Hiseyesflitupward,aslightfrownonhisface.Hepopsopenthebagandholdsitouttome,offeringmethefirstchip.
IstruggleforasafetopicofconversationasItakeoutapiece.“So,videogames?”
“Iwasgettingmyasshandedtomebythisonekid,”Nathanielsaysdarkly.“Ithinkhewasinmiddleschool.”
Hiswordsstiramemory.“Irememberinmiddleschoolwhenyouusedtoplayvideogamesallday.You’dbelateforpractices
becauseyoustayedupallnightplayingthem.”Ilaugh.“You’dgetinsomuchtrouble.”

“Irememberthatyoulovedtogotothatcomicbookshopnearthecompanyandreadmanhwaallday,theonethatcloseddown.Youespeciallyliked
theromanceones.Istoleabookfromyouonceandreaditaloud.Youweresomad,youwouldn’ttalktomefordays.”Now
it’sNathanielwho’slaughing.

“Istillhaven’tforgivenyouforthat,”Isay,whichonlycauseshimtolaughevenharder.
Oureyesmeetandhesmilesalopsidedsmile.
Ifeelthetensionleavemyshoulders.MaybeI’vebeenworryingfornothing,andNathanielhadn’tgivenasecondthoughtto
theradioshow.He’sjustherebecauseGiTaekinvitedhimandhehappenedtobeinthearea,likehesaid.

“Look!”Angelapointstothemonitor.“Theowneraddedminutestoourroom.That’ssonice.”
“Enoughtimetoaddanotherplayer,”GiTaeksays.“Nathaniel,youin?”
NathanielturnsfrommetogrinatGiTaek.“Idon’tknowwhatwe’replaying,butI’malwaysdownforagame.”
WhileGiTaekexplainstherulestoNathaniel,AngelaandIscrollthroughMelonforsonginspiration.Songswithsimplemelodiesareeasiertogetahigherscorewith,butwedidn’tcomehereforeasy.
GiTaekgoesfirst.HeperformstheentiretyofTaemin’s“Move,”choreographyandall.Myheartswellswithpridetowatch
him.Adancemajorinhighschool,he’sreallyimprovedhisskillsatNeptune.IfIweretoguess,he’llsoonbeselected
foragroupanddebutwithintheyear.

“Ninety-seven!”Angelacheerswhenhisscoreappearsonthemonitor,thenquicklyrealizeswhatthatmeans.“We’renevergoing
tobeatthat!”

“Youcandoit,Angela,”Isay,raisingmyfist.“Fighting!”
She’schosenaTWICEsong,whichisdifficulttosingalone,arrangedasitisforninevocalists.
IclaptheloudestforAngelaas“94”appearsonthescreen.
Thenit’sNathanielturn.Hestands,rollinghisshoulderslikehe’sabouttostepintoaboxingring.
“Whatsongdidyouchoose?”Angelaaskshim,ploppingdownontheseatacrossfromme,outofbreath.
Hewinksather.“It’sasurprise.”
Takingthecontroller,hekeysinasong.Thetitle“Eyes,Nose,Lips”appearsalongsidetheartist’sname,Taeyang.Myheart
startstobeatfastevenbeforehebringsthemicrophonetohislips.

WhileNathanielisXOXO’smaindancer,he’salsotheleadvocalistafterJaewoo.Hislowvoiceistenderandsweet.Hesings
thefirsthalfofthesong,tryingtomatchhispitchtothemelody,butasthesonggoeson,thelyricsstarttosinkin.

They’reaboutabreakup,thelongingforanotherperson,missingtheireyes,theirnose,theirlips,missingtheirtouch.Hisvoicegrowsmorepassionate.He’snotsingingtome—hiseyesneverstrayfromthescreenwiththelyrics—butIfeeleverywordasifheis.Ashesings,I’mrememberinghis
eyesonme,hislips,histouch.Bytheendofthesong,Icanhardlybreathe.

100.
Angelaspringsupfromherseatwithascream.HerkneesknockagainstthetableandthesodaNathanielhadbeendrinking
tipsovertheside,splashingontomyshirt.Iquicklystandup.

“Ohno,Sori!I’msosorry!”
“It’sfine,”Ireassureher.“Itwon’tstain.I’mjustgoingtogocleanitupabit.”
Grabbingmyphone,Ipressopenthedoorandescapeintotheshortcorridor.Ikeyinthecodeforthebathroomandstepinside.
Foramoment,Istandinfrontofthesink,waitingformyhearttostopracing.

ItoccurstomethatinNewYork,asimilarthinghadhappened,exceptNathanielwastheonewholeft.Idoubthewasovercome
withunexpectedfeelings.Morelikely,hewantedtowashthesmellofalcoholfromhisclothing.Withasigh,Irunthewater
inthesink,wettingafewpapertowelsandscrubbingatthestain.

WhenIstepoutsidethedoor,Nathanieliswaitingforme.
“Areyouallright?”heasks,steppingforwardfromwherehe’dbeenleaningagainsttheoppositewall.
“Itwasjustalittlespill.”
Heshrugsoutofhisjacket.“Here,takethis.”
Iliftmyhands.“It’snotcoldout.”Nowthatit’sspring,theweatherhasgottenalotwarmer.
“You’re…”Eveninthepoorlylitcorridor,Icanseetheblushinhischeeks.Ilookdowntoseethewaterhasseepedthroughmywhiteblouse,revealingtheoutlineofmychest.Nowit’smyturntoblush.Iaccepthisjacket,wrappingitaroundmyself.

Soundsofmuffledsingingcomefrombehindthecloseddoorsthatlinethecorridor.Adsforsojubrandsareplasteredonto
thewalls.Fromfaraway,someoneleansonthehornoftheircar.

“Sori…”I’malertedtotheroughnessofhisvoice,butwhenIlookup,hisexpressioniscarefullyblank.“Doyoustill
havefeelingsforme?”

“I…”
Iknowwhyhe’sasking.Aftertheradioshowandmyreactiontohissingingtonight,Iwouldjumptothesameconclusion.
Forawildmoment,IimaginetellinghimthatIdostillhavefeelingsforhim,thatwhenhiseyesareonme,astheyarenow,Ifeelbeautiful,Ifeelperfect.But…I
can’t.

Thereasonsbehindourbreakuphaven’tchanged,atleasttheonesheknows,thathe’sstillanidol,thathehastomaintain
hisimage,toprotectnotonlyhimselfbuthisbandmates.Andthentherearetheotherreasons,oneshecanneverknowabout.No,it’sbettertocutoffanyrekindlingfeelingsbeforetheyhaveachancetoignite.

“Idon’t.”
Henodstohimself,asifthatwastheanswerheexpectedmetogive.
“Ihavemissedyouthough,”Isay,becausethatatleastIcanbetruthfulabout.Hiseyesrockbacktomine.“Howcloseweused
tobe,whenwewerefriends.”

There’sashortpause,andthenhesays,“Youneverstoppedbeingmyfriend.”
Myheartfeelsalmosttoobigformychest,andIrealizehowmuchIneededtohearhimsaythosewords.
“IthinkIshouldprobablyheadbackhome,”Isay,withasigh.“WillyoutellGiTaekandAngela?”
“Iwill,thoughyoushouldtextthemwhenyougethome,sotheyknowyougotbacksafely.And…”—hiseyesmeetmineonce
more—“textmetoo.Youhavemynumber.”Hisdimpledeepens.

Cheeky.HisteasingreferencetotheradioshowreleasesthelastofthetensionI’dfeltallweek.
Howdoeshedoit?Ithinkhe’smaybetheonlypersonintheworldthatbothannoysandamusesmeinequalmeasure.
“IshouldpayfortheextrahourbeforeIgo,”Isay.SinceI’mleavingearly,technicallyIlostthegame.
Hewaveshishandintheair.“Don’tworryaboutit.Ialreadypaidfortheroom.”
Itakeastep,thenturntolookathimovermyshoulder.“Thanks,bytheway.Forpickingupmycall.”Andforplayingalong
foraslongashedid.Hedidn’thaveto—itwasariskforhim.

“I’llalwayspickupyourcalls.”
AsIwalkdownthecorridor,Ihearasoftclickasoneofthedoorsdownthehallclosesshut.Nine
Thenextmorning,SecretaryParkpicksmeupinfrontofmyhousetotakemetomymeetingwithmymother.AllnightI’ve
stewedoverwhatI’llsaytoher,withGiTaekandAngela’sstrategyinmindabouthavinganalternativeplantoofferher.
Theproblemis,Idon’thaveacareerpaththatI’mpassionateabout.Ilikedancingandfashion,butthatdoesn’tmeanI
wanttobeachoreographerorastylist.

“Doyouknowwhatmymotherwantstotalkabout?”IaskSecretaryPark,bucklingmyseatbelt.Asmymother’sright-handwoman,
she’stheclosestpersontomymother.She’dhavethebestinsightintowhatshe’splanning.

“Shetoldmealittle,”SecretaryParkhedges,havingasmuchtroublemaneuveringdownthehillasthedriverafewdaysago.
“IsitsomethingI’llbepleasedabout?”Though,perhapsthat’snottherightquestiontoask.I’vealsokeptSecretaryPark
inthedarkaboutwhatitisIwant,oratleastdon’twant.

SecretaryParkglancesatmeintherearviewmirrorbeforereturninghergazetotheroad.“It’ssomethingyou’regoodat.”
JoahEntertainmentisinthesameneighborhoodasmyoldhighschool.AswepassbytheSeoulArtsAcademyentrance,Iwatchasstudentsrushthroughthegates,ateachercheckingtomakesureeveryone’suniformsmeetregulation.Onestudentbouncesononefootasshepullsupherkneesock,whileanotheradjustshistieinonehand,grippinghisbackpackwiththeother.Theybowtotheteacherwhowavesthemthrough.
SecretaryParkpullsintothegaragebeneaththebuilding,andwetaketheelevatortothefirstfloor,wherewegothrough
securitybeforeenteringthemainpartofthebuilding.Fromthere,wetakeanotherelevatortothefifthfloorwherethe
smallermeetingroomsarelocated.

MypalmsaresweatyandIwipethemontheskirtofmydress—I’mwearingawhiteknitwearone-piecewithgoldenbuttons.Chic,
classic.Somethingmymotherwouldapproveof.

She’salreadywaitingintheroomwhenwearrive,dressedinalightpinksilkdoublejacketandmatchingslim-legpants.
I’msurprisedtofindthatshe’snotalonebutwithagirlI’veneverseenbefore.She’stallandpretty,injeansandaloose
topwithbutterflysleeves.Herlonglightbrownhairispinnedbackwithlargepearlclips.

“Sori-yah,”mymothersays,catchingmyeye,“thisisWooHyemi,thedaughterofanewbusinesspartner.”
Ipickuponherwarning.Hyemiisthedaughterofsomeoneimportant,someonemymotherneedstoimpress.
I’mremindedofJeonSojin,thedaughteroftheCEOofHankookElectric,fromtherestaurantinNewYork,butpushthatthought
tothebackofmymind,pastingonasmileinstead.“It’snicetomeetyou.”

Mymothervisiblyrelaxes.“HyemiwasborninCanada,thoughshe’sspentafewsummerswithherfather’sfamilyhereinKorea.”
IlookcloseratHyemi,notinghermixedheritage.ShehasaresemblancetoKimYouJung,theactress,withroundeyesandsoftlips.
“MymotherisFrenchCanadian,”Hyemisays.Hervoiceisbright,cheerful,breakingendearinglyonherwords.
“YouknowaboutJoah’srecentacquisitionofDreamMusic…”mymotherbegins.
DreamMusic,asmallerentertainmentcompany,wasacquiredbyJoahattheendoflastyear,thedealfinalizedearlierthis
month.ItwouldretainitsownCEOandstaffbutwouldcontinueforwardasalabelunderJoah.

“TheywerepreparingtodebutASAP,anewgirlgroup,atthebeginningofthisyear.Theacquisitiondelayedtheirdebutby
afewmonths,whichactuallyworkedtoourbenefit,aswe’readdingafewofourowngirlsasmemberstothegroup.SunYe…”
ShementionsanotherJoahtrainee,onewho’sbeenatthecompanyforaslongasIhave.“AndHyemi.”Sheplacesahandon
Hyemi’sshoulder.“Andyou.”

ThisisthemomentI’vebeendreading,andyetallthespeechesI’dbrainstormedthenightbeforeflyfrommyhead.Ihadn’t
expectedanyplanformydebuttobesofinalized,orso…soon.

“You,ofcourse,wouldbetheleader,”mymothercontinuesblithely,“asyouhavethemostexperience.AndHyemiwillmaketheperfectmaknaetobalancethegroup.However,becauseofunforeseencircumstances,weneedtopushupthedateofthedebutshowcase,whichisnewlyscheduledfortwoweeksfromnow.Whichbringsmetothemostimportantpartofthiswholeendeavor,andwhyIhadyoutwomeetbeforeintroducingyoubothtotherestofthemembers.”
Mymother’sgazefocusesentirelyonme.“Hyemihasn’thadanyformaltraining,andIneedyoutoguidehersothatshe’s
readyintimefortheshowcase.She’llneedhelplearningthechoreographyforthetitletrack,aswellasadjustingtothe
team.TherearefourgirlscomingfromDream,andofcourseyouandSunYearealreadyfamiliarwitheachother.ButIthink
ourHyemiherewillneedalittlemorehelp,notjustbecauseshehasn’ttrainedaslongastheothers,butthere’salsothe
matteroflanguageandculture…”

“CanItalktoyouinprivateforaminute?”Iinterrupt.
Mymotherblinks.“Ofcourse.”Shethenturnstoreassuretheyoungergirl.“Hyemi-yah,I’mgoingtotalktoSoriandthen
I’llberightback.”

Hyeminods,thoughaswewalkaway,sheglancesatmewithaquestioninglook
Oncewe’reoutofearshot,mymotherdoesn’twasteanybreath,hervoicereturningtoitsnormalclippedquality.“Thismight
comeasabitofasurprise,buttheacquisitionofDreamMusicandtherenovationsonthenewbuildingweremorecostlythan
wasestimatedbyourfinancialadvisors.”

Myheartdrops.“Yousaiditwasn’ttruethatthecompanywasintrouble.”
“It’snottrue.WooHyemi’sfatherhaspromisedtomakeasizableinvestment.”There’sasignificantpause.“Withthecaveatthathis
daughterdebutsasanidol.”

Thewholepictureisstartingtocometogether.WhyHyemi’sinvolvementissointegraltoASAP’ssuccess—herfatherisbankrollingherdebut—andwhy,tosecurehisinvestment,theshowcaseneedstooccurassoonaspossible.
“Isshetalented?”Iask.“Canshesing?”
“Herfatherassuresmeshecan.”
Iraiseasingleeyebrowatthat,atraitIironicallypickedupfromher.
“Sori,I’malreadyunderenoughstressasitis.”Shepressesherfingerstothesidesofhertemples,massagingtheskin
there.“You’retheonlypersonIcantrustwiththis.”

Warmthfloodsmychest,thatshewouldtrustmewithsomethingsoimportant.
“WeacquiredDreamMusicknowingtheyalreadyhadplanstoformagirlgroup.ItjustsohappensthatWooHyemiwouldmake
awonderfuladdition.You,aswell.You’resoontobenineteen,theperfectagetodebut.”

Ihavetotellher.Ican’tputitoffanylonger.It’snowornever.“There’ssomethingIneedtotellyou.Ishouldhave
toldyousooner,butIwasafraid…”Ofdisappointingyou.OfmakingyoufeelasifIwastakingawayyourdream,forthesecondtime.“ThetruthisIdon’twanttodebutanymore.”

Mymotherblinksslowly.“What?”
I’mmorecertainnowthanever.Ifmymindhadn’talreadybeenmadeup,thechurningofmygutsinceIwalkedintotheroom
tellsmeeverythingIneedtoknow.

“ButIthinkIcanstillhelpHyemi,”Iquicklygoon.“Infact,IknowIcan,andI’llbeinabetterpositiontohelpherifI’mnotdebutingmyself,asIcanconcentrateentirelyonher.”

Butmymother’salreadyshakingherhead.“Sori,you’rebeingrash.Evenwiththetruncatedtimeline,thisisstillanopportunityofalifetime.Somanyyounggirlswouldgiveanythingforthesamechance.”
“Iknowallthat,andIstilldon’twantit.Thisisn’tadecisionIcametoovernight.Howcanyoubelievethatofme,whenI’vebeentrainingtobecome
anidolforpracticallymywholelife?”

“Ican’tjustletyoumakethisdecisiononyourown.Howdoyouknowifthisiswhatyoureallywant?”
“Iknowit’swhatIdon’twant.”

Itakeadeepbreath,gearingupforwhatI’mabouttosaynext.“SometimesIfeellikeI’mbeingpulledintwodifferent
directions,withyouononeside,andAbeojiontheother,andthepressureofthatcanbe…alotsometimes.Idon’t
knowwhatitisIwantyet,butIwanttobeabletochooseformyself.”It’sthemosthonestI’vebeenwithmymotherinmonths,maybeyears.Ialways
goalongwithwhateithersheormyfatherwants,notwishingtopullonthealreadytenuousthreadsofourfamily,butI
neededtosaythis,formyself.

“Ican’tspeakforyourfather,”mymothersaysslowly,“butifyoumanagetodothis—anditwon’tbeeasy—likeIsaid,Hyemi
hasn’tanyformaltrainingandthere’salsothematterofintroducinghertothepublic—itwillprovetomeyou’reresponsible
enoughtodecidewhatyouwantforyourownlife.Iwon’tstandinthewayofthat.Infact,I’llevensupportyou.Financially.”

Thensheadds,asifit’sanafterthought,“Inallthewaysamothercan.”
Thatcouldn’thavebeeneasyforher,assomeonewho’sasrigidinherworklifeassheisinherfamilylife.Andmaybethisconversationwouldhavegonealotdifferentlyifshealsodidn’tneedmetohelpHyemi.ButI’mgratefulthatshe’smanagedtomeetmehalfway.
“Thenit’sadeal,”Isay.“I’llmakeHyemidebut-readyintwoweeks.”
“Thankyou,Sori.”Shepatsmeontheshoulder.“Let’shaveamealtogethersoon.”
Myheartlightensattheprospect.It’sbeenawhilesincewesharedameal,justthetwoofus.“I’dlikethat.”
OnourwaybacktoHyemi,mymother’sphonelightsup.Asshemovestotakethecall,IapproachHyemionmyown.Shepulls
outherearbuds,standingupfromherseat.IcatchafewbarsoftheBsideofXOXO’slatestsinglebeforeitcutsoff.

“Hi,”IsayinEnglish,nervousnowthatit’sjustthetwoofus.We’llbespendingalotoftimetogether,ifI’mtohelp
herdebut,andIwanthertofeelcomfortablewithme.Iwanthertotrustme.“Doyou—”Ibegin,intendingtoaskherif
shelikesthesingle.

I’minterruptedbyaknockatthedoor.Aheadofhighlighterbluepopsthroughthegap.
“Sori-nuna?”
“ChoiYoungmin?”Isay.Ihaven’tseenXOXO’smaknaesincethesummer,ashe’dgonebacktothehotelinNewYorkCityafter
theconcert.

“IthoughtIheardyourvoice.”Youngminswingsthedoorwide.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Ilaugh,ashereachesme,wrappingmeinahug.Hewasalwaysthemostaffectionateofthemembers,maybebecausehe’stheyoungest.Though,insixmonths,he’sgrownabittaller,andIcan’thelpnoticingthathischestisrather…sturdy.Ifeelmyselfblushingalittle.
“I’mmeetingJiSeok-hyeongtogoovermyschoolschedule,”hesays,releasingme.
That’sright.Thereasonhe’dgonebacktothehotelaftertheconcertwasbecausehehadschoolwork.Whichremindsme…
IgesturetoHyemi,who’sbeenwatchingourentireinteractionwithwide,starstruckeyes.
“Youngmin-ah,haveyoumetWooHyemi?She’sdebutinginJoah’snewgirlgroup.”She’salsolikelyenrollingatthesameschool
ashim,SeoulArtsAcademy,ifshehasn’talready.“Pleasetakecareofherasahoobaeandjunior.”

Hyemiquicklybows,herforeheadhittingthetable.
Youngminlaughs.“Areyouokay?”
There’saloudclatteringsound.Iturntowheremymotherhasdroppedherphoneontothetable.Shequicklypicksitupagain.
“Eomma?”
“Myapologies,butsomething’scomeup.Sori,willyoumakesureHyemihaseverythingsheneeds?Ihaveto—”Shedoesn’tfinish
thesentence,rushingoutthedoor.

Mymouthturnsdryasafeelingofpremonitionsweepsthroughme.“Youngmin-ah,canyoustaywithHyemiforaminute?I’ll
berightback.”

“Sure!”Hegrins,thentiltshisheadasheregardsHyemi.“Howoldareyou?Ithinkwemightbethesameage.”
“Sixteen,”shesaysshyly.
“Great,let’sbefriends!”Hedropsthehonorifics,switchingtobanmal.
Ihurryoutintothehall.Withthewaymymotherleftinahurry,Ihaveabadfeeling.I’vebeeninvolvedinenoughscandals
toknowwhenone’sabouttodrop.
Ten
Theelevatoropenstothefoyerontheninthfloorwheremymother’sofficeislocated.Thewholeelevatorride,I’dgone
throughthedifferentscenariosofwhatmighthavehappened.Hadmyfatherbeencaughtinanaffairforthethirdtime?AsIenterthespaciousoffice,IspotJaewooandNathanielseatedonoppositesidesofaleathercouch,withSunin
asofachairacrossfromthem.Outofthethree,Sun’stheonlyonetonoticemyarrival,withaslightliftingofhisbrow.

“Howcouldyouletthishappen?”Mymotherisshouting.
Ittakesmeasecondtoregisterwhat’sgoingon.SecretaryParkstandsbyamonitorthatdepictsagrainyphotographfrom
theinsideofabuilding.Irecognizethedimlylithallwithadsforsojubrandsonthewalls.Thephotographwastakenat
thenoraebanglastnight.Therearetwopeopleinthephotograph,standingclosetooneanother.OneisclearlyNathaniel,
ashe’sfacingthecamera,whiletheotherpersonhasherbacktoit.I’mwearingNathaniel’sjacket,mylonghairtumbling
downaroundmyshoulders.

Thoughwestandclose,we’renottouching.I’mlookingdownatmyfeet,whileNathanielislookingatme.Hisexpressionisn’t
visibleinthepoorqualityofthephotograph.

“Itoldyoulasttimewhatwouldhappenifyoumessedupagain,”mymothercontinuestoshout.“Youdon’trespectthiscompany.Youdon’trespectyourbandmates.Youdon’tevenrespectyourself.Itwouldbedoingthecompanyafavorifyouwereremovedfromthegroup.”
Mybodytensesatherwords,atthewayshe’sspeakingtohim.She’stheCEOofthecompanyandmymother,butitmakesme
wanttothrowmyselfbetweenthem.

“DirectorSeo,”Suninterrupts.“Ithinkthat’sgoingtoofar.”
Mymotherignoreshim.“Whyaren’tyousayinganything?”shecontinuestoshout.“Whywon’tyouexplainyourself?”
AsIwasleavingthekaraokeplacelastnight,oneofthedoorsinthehallhadclosedshut.Someonemusthaverecognized
Nathanielandtakenaphoto.

“Who’sthegirlinthephotowithyou?”
Nathanieldoesn’tanswerher.He’snotgoingto,becausetellingherwouldmeanrevealingthatitwasme,andhewouldrather
hurthimselfthanhurtme.

Iclearmythroat.“DirectorSeo,”Isay,addressingmymotherbyhertitle
Jaewooturnsaroundontheleathercouch,hiseyeswideningwhenhecatchessightofme.Suncovershisfacewithhishand
asifhecansensewhat’scoming.

“Sori?”Mymother’sbrowsfurrow.“Whyareyouhere?Where’sWooHyemi?”
Nathaniel’sgazelocksonmine.
“Thatgirlinthephoto…”Ibegin,“she’s…”
Mymothergoescompletelystillastheroomfallssilent.
“Hissister,Nadine.She’sstudyingatauniversityinSeoul.”
“Isthattrue?”MymotherturnstoNathaniel.
Nathanielhasn’tlookedawayfrommesinceIspoke.“Yes.”
Jaewoosighs,pinchinghisarmtoeasethetension.
“Ay,Jihyuk-ah,”Sunchides.“Iknowyouwanttoprotectyoursister,butit’sbettertotellthetruthinsituationslike
these.”

“We’llhavetorevealheridentitytothepublic,”SecretaryParksays.“Ifherclassmatesdon’talreadyknowshe’syoursister,
they’llknowafterwereleaseourstatement.Ithinkit’sbestifyouprepareher.”

“I’llcallher,”Nathanielsays,finallylookingaway.Standing,heheadsoutintothefoyer.
“Sori,”mymothersayssharply,“Iwanttospeakwithyou.”
Ifollowherintotheattachedbedroomnexttoheroffice,whichhasessentiallybecomeherhomeinthepastfewmonths.
Thefullbedinthecornerismade,andonthebedsidetablesitsavaseofpeonies.Throughtheopendoorofthebathroom,
Icanseeherskincareproductslinedupneatlyonthecounter;hermakeupisarrangedonthevanitybesidethecloset.

“Didyoutellmethetruth?”
Lightspearsacrosstheroomfromthewindow,momentarilyblindingme.“Yes.”
Shenods,thenfrowns.“Howdoyouknowthepersoninthepictureishissister?”
“Angelatoldme.”I’mmyfather’sdaughter,quickwithalie.“SheandGiTaekwerewithhimlastnight.”
Shereleasesasigh,andit’slikeaweighthasfallenoffhershoulders.
“Eomma?”Isay,worried.
“I’mjust…”shefalters.“I’mjustgladitwasn’tyou.”Likethelight,Iamspearedwithguilt.
NathanielisgettingoffthephonewhenIrunintohiminthefoyer.Wehaveabitofprivacyasmymotherremainedinthe
bedroomtotakeanap.

“HowdidNadinetakeit?”Iask.
“Shewasmoreconcernedthatourstorieslineup,”Nathanielsays.“Mysisterisnothingifnotgameforanelaborateruse.”
Ishakemyheadwithasmile,thenrealize,thoughI’veavoidedascandalbetweenmeandhim,I’vedraggedhissisterintothespotlight.

“Sori,whateveryou’rethinking,”Nathanielsays,“it’snottrue.Nadineisfine,andsoamI.”
Howdoeshealwaysknowexactlywhattosaytomakemefeelbetter?Irememberthewordshespoketomelastnight.Youneverstoppedbeingmyfriend.Mychestwarmsatthememory.

“Isittruewhatmymothersaid?”Iask.“Thatyou’llbekickedoutofthegroupifthere’sanotherscandal?”
Heshakeshishead.“It’snottrue.Shejustsaysthosethingsbecausetheysounddramatic,andshewatchesalotofdramas.”
“Nathaniel,I’mbeingserious.”
Hewavesoffmyconcern.“Don’tworryaboutit.”
“Youalwaystellmenottoworry.ButIcan’thelpworrying.”
Hisexpressionsoftens.“Iknow.”
Thewarmthinmychestseemstoradiateoutward.
“Thatwasquickthinkinginthere,”hesays.“Thoughmysisterreallylooksnothinglikeyou.”Irecognizethesignsthathe’sabouttoteaseme,hiseyestakingonthatmischievousglint.“Notfromthefront,norfromtheback.”
Evenwithadvancewarning,Iblush.
“WillthescandalaffectXOXO?”Isay,changingthesubject.Evenifthetimingisn’tasbadasitcouldhavebeen,since
theyjustreturnedfromasuccessfulworldtour,Sunhashisdramatopromotesoon.

“It’llblowover,”Nathanielsays.“EspeciallywhenJoahreleasesthatitwasmysisterinthephoto.Itwouldbeadifferent
storyifitwasaboutagirlIwasdating.”

“Yeah.”Idon’twanttoexaminewhymyheartstillsatthethoughtofhimdating“agirl”thatisn’tme.
Hisgazetrailsbehindme.Iheartheclickofmymother’sofficedooropening—apparently,shecouldn’tbringherselftorest.
“Ithinkthat’smycue,”hesays.“Thanksagain,Sori.”Hegrins.“Icanalwayscountonyoutosaveme.”
Eleven
I’msopreoccupiedwiththescandalandthedealwithmymother,I’dcompletelyforgottenthatI’dagreedtoameetingwith
thesonofsomeoneimportanttomyfather’spoliticalcampaign.Ataxidropsmeoffearlyeveningthefollowingdayatthe
SowonHotel,thesamehotel—andrestaurant,forthatmatter—whereImetmyparentsonlyacoupleofweeksbefore.

It’saslovelyasIrememberitbeing,withbeautifulwhiteoakfloorsandanabundanceofpinkandwhiteflowersindecorative
pots.Thehostessleadsmetoatableinadifferentpartoftherestaurantwithfloor-to-ceilingwindowsandlowtablessurrounded
bycushionedseatsmeantformorecasualdiningandconversation.Aboyafewyearsolderthanmesitsatoneofthesetables,
holdingawineglassinonehandandhisphonewiththeother.Hedoesn’tlookupwhenIarrive.Inwardly,Isigh—it’sgoing
tobealongevening.

Itaketheseatoppositehim,arrangingmyskirtaroundmyknees.Thechairsarelargeandcushioned,andIsinkintothe
downyseat.

He’sorderedmeaglassofwine,butIaskahoveringwaiterforwaterinstead.
“You’reAssemblymanMin’sdaughter,”theboysays,glancingupfromhisphone,“theidoltrainee.”HesaysthewordlikeitsdirtonhisFerragamoloafers.

“Yes,andyouaretherestaurateur’sson.”Ipurposefullydon’tcallhimbyhisnamesincehehadn’tbotheredtolearnmine.Usually,I’malittlemorepatientwiththedatesmyfathersetsmeupwith,butI’mdistractedbyreactionsonlinetothestatementJoahreleasedearliertoday,identifyingthemysteriousgirlinthephotographasNadine.
Thereactionshavebeenmostlypositive,asNathanielisknowntohavefouroldersisters.ButI’msureemployeesatJoah
havebeendeletingthemorevitrioliccomments,claimingit’sacover-upforthetruth,thatNathanielissecretlydating
anotheridol,andhe’shurtingtheothermemberswithhisactionsandshouldleave—

“BaekHaneul,secondsonofKimJinyi.Mymotherownsthisrestaurant.”
“It’slovely,”Isay,relievedtohaveatopicthatmightinterestusboth.“Wheredoessheimporttheflowers?Theflooring
isexquisite—didyourmotherworkcloselywithadesigner?”

Hescowls.“HowamIsupposedtoknow?WhenIinheritmyshareoftherestaurant,I’llhaveamanagertotakecareofall
thosethings.”

Thewaiterreturnswithmyglassofwater,andIcarefullysipfromthetop.IwonderifNadineishavingtroubleatheruniversity,
ifreportersaredogginghersteps;IhatethatI’vedraggedherintothis.

“Ithoughtthatwasyou,”alowvoicecutsintomythoughts.
IlookuptofindSunapproachingourtable.He’sdressedallinwhite,hisicy-blondehairsweptbackfromhisface.
Haneulstands,showingmoreexcitementforSun’sarrivalthanmyown.“You’reOhSunofTKGroup,right?”WhileHaneul’smothermightownthisrestaurant,Sun’sgrandfather,asthepresidentofTKGroup,ownsthishotel.“Ourfathersplaygolftogether.”HaneulholdshisrighthandouttoSun,hislefthandholdinghisrightwristinrespect.
“Ah.”Sunshakeshishand.“Andyouare…?”
“BaekHaneul,secondsonofKimJinyi.Mymotheris—”
“Baek-ssi,”Suninterrupts,throwinghisarmaroundHaneul’sneck.Inarrowmyeyes.Hiswholedemeanorhaschanged,which
immediatelyalertsmethathe’suptosomething.“You’reexactlythepersonIneedrightnow,”Sunsays,conspiratorially.
“Seethatwomanoverthere?”BothHaneulandIfollowSun’sgazeacrosstheroomtowhereayoungwomansitsbesidethetall
windows.

“I’msupposedtomeetherforablinddate.Mygrandfather—youknow,thepresidentofTKGroup—setusup.Whathedoesn’t
knowisthatsheandIhavealreadymet,andwell…”hetrailsoff.“I’mnotlookingforanythinglong-term.”

“Isee,”Haneulsayseagerly,catchingonquick.“I’llgoinyourplace.”
“You’realifesaver.”Sunpauses,thenadds,“Hyeong.”
Haneullookslikehe’sdiedandgonetoheaven,punintended.
“Bye.”IwaveasHaneulleaveswithoutabackwardglance.
Suncollapsesintohisvacatedseat,longlimbssprawling.“Thischairhasexcellentupholstery,”hecomments.
“Wasanyofthattrue?”Iask.
“Youknowmebetterthantoaskthat.”Hesitsupstraightonlytoreachoverthetableformyuntouchedwineglass,bringing
ittohislips.Hewatchesmeovertherim.“Itwasalltrue.”

Irollmyeyes.“Youshouldn’tpawnoffyourdatesonotherpeople;moreimportantly,youshouldbeclearandcommunicativeinyourintentionstowardwomen.”
“ThisiswhyIlikeyou,Sori.Noonenagsmequitelikeyoudo.”
“Justwaituntilyoufallinlove,thenyou’llregretallthehurtyou’vecausedothers.”
Hescowls.“Don’tsaythatorI’llfeellikeyou’veputacurseonme.”
“Wouldyouliketoorderanything?”Welookupatthesmilingwaiterwhoappearsunfazedatourbickering,andthatI’veapparently
switcheddates.

“Yes,”Sunsays,pickingupthemenuandorderingafewappetizers.“Putitonhisbill,”headds,pointingatBaekHaneul.
Aswewaitforthefood,IstudySun.Eventhoughhe’sonlyolderbyayear,healwaysseemedolder,astheheirtoamajorconglomerate,andthenastheleaderofXOXO.HealsoneverroughhousedwithJaewoo,Nathaniel,
andYoungmin,keepinghimselfapart.

“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”Hiseyesnarrow.“Youlooklikeyou’repityingmerightnow.It’sdisturbing.”
“Ithoughtyourgrandfatherstoppedsettingyouuponblinddatesafteryoumadethatdealwithhim.”
HisgrandfatheragreedtoleaveSunaloneaslongasSunmarriedthewomanofhisgrandfather’schoice,atatimeafterhe’dconductedhismilitaryservice.SincethecompulsorymilitaryserviceinKoreacanbepostponeduntilagethirty,Sun
thoughtitwasagooddeal.

“He’sbacktohisoldways.He’sstubborn,myharabeoji.”Sunspeaksofhisgrandfatherwithaffection.“He’sunderthefalseimpressionthatIhavemoretimenowthatXOXOisonhiatus.”
Hiatus.
Mystomachdrops.“Isitbecauseofthephotograph?”
“No,ofcoursenot.Wewerealwaysgoingtotakeabreakafterthetour.Itwasworkedintoourschedulefortheyear.We
needto,otherwisewe’dcollapsefromexhaustion,letalonethementalstressofconstantlyworking.Restandrelaxationare
goodforcreativity.”

“Itwasmeinthephotograph,”Iblurtout.
Herollshiseyes.“Anyonewhoknowsyouwouldknowthat.”
“Mymotherdidn’tknow.”
Herefrainsfromcommenting,andIdon’tblamehim.
TheserversbringoutthefoodthatSunorderedandweenjoyanicemeal.Snarkyasheis,Sunisamarkedimprovementfrom
BaekHaneul.

“Inevercongratulatedyouonyourdrama,”Isay,collectingfreshpiecesoflettucewithmyfork.Sunorderedmemyfavorite
saladwithstrawberryvinaigrette.It’sabigdealforhimtobetheleadinhisfirstrole.Manycriticshavesaidheonly
gottherolebecauseofhispopularityasanidol,butIknowactinghasbeenapassionofhisforalongtimenow.“Congratulations.”

“Thankyou,”heacknowledges,pickingupthesecondglassofwinetheserverbrought.“Iheardaboutthegirlgroupthey’re
puttingtogether.ASAP,isn’tit?Theyannouncedthenewsinternally.Iwassurprisedyournamewasn’tonthelistofmembers.”

“Actually…”
Heglancesup,browraised.
“Iwasofferedapositionasleaderinthegroup,butIturneditdown.Aftermuchthought,IrealizedIdon’t,infact,wishtobeanidol.”
Sunfrownsslightly,loweringhisglass.“Butdon’tyouhaveacontractwithJoah?YourmothermightbetheCEO,butsheanswers
toaboardofshareholders.They’veinvestedinthecompany.Andinyou,asatrainee.”

Iraiseabrow,amused.Unliketheothermembers,who’dhand-waveandacceptthingsastheyare,Sunismuchmorepragmatic.
“Ihonestlydon’tthinkshewouldhaveletmebackout,”Isay,“ifshedidn’tneedmyhelp.”
Itellhimaboutthedealwithmymother.IhaveaninklingofuneaseasIexplainhowHyemi’sdebutistiedtoherfather’s
financialsupport,whichisundeniablytransactionalinnature,butSundoesn’tbataneyelash.Sinceourchildhood,we’ve
witnessedourparentsmakequestionabledealsinthenameofbusiness,andIfeelarushofgratitudeforhim,thatIcan
confideinhimaboutthis,withoutfearthathemightjudgemymother.Orme,forgoingalongwithher.

“I’mexcited,”Isay.“MoresothanwhenIthoughtIwasgoingtodebut.Ithinkit’llbeafunchallenge,andIlikeWooHyemi.Iwanttohelpher.”

Yesterdayafterleavingmymother’soffice,I’dgonebacktothemeetingroom,interruptingYoungminwho’dbeeninthemiddle
ofdoingahandstand.IgottoknowalittlemoreaboutHyemi—shehasanoldersisterwholivesinCanadawithherpartner,
herfavoritemovieisKiki’sDeliveryService,andshe’swantedtobeanidolforaslongasshecanremember.We’dplannedtomeetafterherfirstrehearsaltogooverthechoreography.
“So…,”Sunsays,“inexchangeforhelpingHyemi,yourmotherwilltearupyourcontractandletyouwalkfree?”
“Maybenotasdramatically,butthat’sthegistofit.”
“Didn’tyouhaveadatingclauseinyourcontract?”heasksabsently.
“No,Ididn’t.IfIdid,Iwouldn’tbeabletogooutonthisdatewithHaneul.”
“Ah,ofcourse.”
Ineverhadadatingclauseinmycontract,eventhenewoneIsignedshortlyaftermyscandalwithNathanieltwoyearsago.
ThepromiseImadetomymotherwasneverwritteninwords.

“You’vegotyourworkcutoutforyou,”Sunsays,withasmile.“IlookforwardtoseeingwhatyoucandowithWooHyemiin
twoweeks.”

Afterwe’vefinishedourfood,Ipeekoverthedividertowardthewindows.“Haneul-ssiisstillwithyourdate.Ithinkthey’re
reallyhittingitoff.Youmighthaveinadvertentlysetupalovematch.”

“Doyouthinkthey’llsendmeaninvitationtothewedding?”Sunquips.
Aswe’rewalkingoutoftherestaurant,myphonebuzzeswithanunknownnumber.
“It’sinternational,”Sunsaysfromovermyshoulder.
MystomachsinksasIrealizewhoitis.“ItmustbeNadine.Whydoyouthinkshe’scalling?”
“Probablytoscoldyoufordraggingherintothismess.”
“Really?”
“Pickitup.Thecall’sgoingtodrop.”He’sruthless.
Iopenthephoneandbringithesitantlytomyear.“Nadine-eonni?”
“Sori?”Irememberthewayshegreetedmeinthepizzashop,friendlyandwarm.Allwarmthisstrippedfromhervoicewhen
shesays,“Weneedtotalk.”
Twelve
Nadinehasn’tyetarrivedwhenIexitthesubwaystation.IcheckmyphonetoseethatI’mfiveminutesearly.Afewmiddle
schoolstudentsmillaboutthestationarea,recognizablebytheiruniforms—graysweatervestsoverwhiteshirtstuckedinto
ankle-lengthskirts.AwomanwalksbyhandinhandwithasmallboywearingaPororobackpack.There’salittlegardenarea,
soIwalkoverandsitononeofthebenchestowaitforNadine.

ThoughSunhadteased,he’dassuredmeafterNadinehadhungupthatshewasn’tangry,thoughhowcanhebesure?Iwould
beangryifmysiblingandhisex-girlfrienddraggedmeintotheirbusiness.

“Psst,Sori!”Ilookatthelargeplanterinthegardenthatjustspoke.“Sori,overhere!”
Standing,IwalkaroundtheplantertofindNadinecrouchedontheground.“Nadine-eonni?”
“Hurry!Getdown.”ShegrabsmyhandandpullsmesothatI’malsocrouchedbehindtheplanter.
“Whatarewedoing?”Iwhisper.
“Seethosegirls?”
Ilookaroundtheplantertowardtheexitofthesubwaystation.“Themiddleschoolstudents?”
“Theyfollowedmefromtheuniversity’scampus.Nothing’smoreterrifyingthanapackofmiddleschoolers.”Sheshudders.
Likeyesterday,whenIrealizedthatI’ddraggedNadineintothismess,I’movercomewithguilt.“I’msorry.Thisismyfault.Ishouldhaveneverinvolvedyou.”
“It’sfine.It’sactuallykindofthrilling.Thenagain,thisisn’tmydailyexistence,somaybethat’swhy.Myclassmates
thinkit’scoolthatmybrotherisNathanielfromXOXO.Honestly,it’snotthefanswhoaretheproblem.Nathanielsaysmost
ofthemarerespectful.It’sthepaparazzi.”

“Still,”Isay,“youwouldn’tbehidingbehindaplanterifIhadn’tliedandsaiditwasyouatthenoraebanginsteadof
me.”

“Thatremindsme,Iamupsetwithyou.”

Ibraceforawell-deserveddressingdown.“I’vebeeninSeoulforawhilenow,andyouhaven’ttextedmeback.”
Islowlyblinkather.“What?”
“Iknowit’sprobablyawkwardtohangoutwithyourex-boyfriend’soldersister,butIwaslookingforwardtoseeingyou.”
“I’msorry!Ishouldhavecalled.”Whenweexchangednumbers,Ihadeveryintentionofmeetingupwithher,butwhenIthought
aboutitlater,Ihadfeltawkward,rememberinghowembarrassedI’dbeenoverthecircumstancesinwhichI’dleftherhouse.

“Youcanmakeituptome,”shesays.“Ihaveafavortoaskyou.”
“Anything.”
Shelaughs.“WaituntilIaskbeforeyouagree.YouknowXOXOisonabreakfromgroupactivities,right?”
Inod.“Sun-oppatoldmeaboutthehiatus.”
“That’sright.It’sjustthatwiththisso-called‘scandal’”—sheputsthewordscandalinairquotes—“paparazzihavestartedcampingoutsidetheirapartment.Theothermembershavealreadylefttostaywiththeirfamilies,butNathanielcan’texactlygohome.Orhecould,butherefusesto.”

Shefrowns.“I’mnotsurewhy.IthinkhehassomethinghewantstostayinSeoulfor,somethingwork-related.He’sbeing
secretiveaboutit.It’sprettyannoying.”

Work-related?SomethingoutsideofXOXO?WhileSunhashispassionforacting,Nathanielhasneverexpressedaninterestinsoloactivities.I’mcurious
andwishshe’delaboratemore,butshe’salreadymovedon.

“He’scoopedupinthatapartment,allalone.Hesayshedoesn’tmind,butI’mworried.Itwouldbedifferentifitwasonly
forafewdays,butit’sacoupleofweeks,andIwon’tbeabletovisithimoftenbecauseofschool.I’dfeelbetterifhe
couldleavetheapartmentwithoutgettingaccosted,butthepaparazzifollowhimeverywhere.”

Mystomachtwistsinknots.Whatshe’sdescribingisawfulandcompletelytrue.AlltheothermembershavefamilyinKorea,
exceptforNathaniel.EvenhisextendedfamilylivesintheUnitedStates.UnlikeSun,whowouldprobablyrelishtheisolation,
Nathanielisn’tlikethat.He’slikeapuppy;hethrivesonhumancontact.NadinemustseethatIunderstandhercompletely
becauseshereachesouttograbmyhand.

“Andso,IwaswonderingifNathanielcouldstaywithyou,justuntiltheendoftheirvacation.That’swhat—two,threeweeks?”
Foramoment,Ijuststareather,notsureifI’veheardhercorrectly.HaveNathanielstay…withme?
“I’vebeenthinkingaboutit,”shesayshurriedly,asifafraidI’llrejecttheideaoutright,“anditseemsliketheperfectsolution,especiallysince,ifI’mrememberingcorrectly,youliveinaresidentialarea,whichmeansthere’slesslikelihoodofpaparazzisnoopingabout.Nathanielcouldcomeandgofreely,andhewouldn’tbealone.”
LettingNathanielstayatmyhouseseemslikeaterribleidea,andyet…IdooweNadine,notjustformajorlyinconveniencing
herlife,butalsoforthatsummerwhenherfamilyletmestaywiththem.

I’vealwayswantedtodosomethingforthem,forhim,inreturn,andthisistheperfectopportunity.Anditwouldn’tjustbethetwoofusinthehouse,sinceAjummastaysovernight
everynightexceptfortheweekends.Nadinesaiditwouldonlybefortwo,threeweeks.NathanielandIbothagreedthatwe’re
justfriends.Whatcouldpossiblyhappen—betweenfriends—inafewweeks?

Ican’tbelieveI’mevenentertainingtheidea.Iwouldhavetolietomymother—shewouldkillmeifsheeverfoundout.

“It’salottoask,isn’tit?”Nadinesays,readingmysilenceasunwillingness.“Nevermind.”Shepatsmyhandbeforeremoving
hers.“ForgetIbroughtitup.Butwedoneedtoscheduleatimetohangout.LetmebuyyouKoreanpizzawithsweetpotatoes
andcornonit,attheveryleast.”

Afewminuteslater,asIwalkhertothestationtotakethesubwaybacktoschool,I’msurprisedbythefeelingstirring
withinme.Ishouldfeelrelievedthatshedroppedherrequest,takingthedecisionoutofmyhands,andyet,forsomereason,
allIfeelis…

Disappointment.Thirteen
I’mfeelingalotofemotionsfromtheeventsofthelastfewdays,soIdecidetogoshopping.
Retailtherapy.I’mabigfan.
I’mattheIPARKMallbrowsingstickersatthebookstorewhenIgetatextfromSecretaryParkaboutalast-minutevariety
showrecording.

Hyemi’salreadyinthebackseatofthevanwhentheypickmeupoutsidethemall.
“Goodmorning,Seonbae,”shesaysinhersqueakyvoice.NotforthefirsttimeIwonderwhatherroleinASAPwillbe,whether
avocalistorarapperorboth.

“Goodmorning,Hyemi.Areyouexcitedabouttoday’srecording?”
Hyeminods,thoughIcantellshe’snervous,fidgetingwiththebraceletshealwayswearsaroundherwrist.
“Anactresswasscheduledtoappearontheepisode,”SecretaryParksays,asshemaneuversthevanaroundthetaxisoutside
themall,“butshehadtocancellastminute.”ThisexplainswhyHyemiwasinvitedatsuchashortnotice.Joahmusthave
requestedtosendherasareplacement.

It’sagreatopportunityforHyemi,sinceshehasn’thadanyexposuretothepublic.EvenI’vehadmoreexposurethanher,withmymodelingandradioshowappearance.IfnetizenssearchforWooHyemionline,they’llbeabletofindthisepisode,insteadofsomethingembarrassinginherchildhood,likeaprepubescentmiddleschoolphoto.Though,asHyemi’sfirstvarietyshowappearance,it’sabitlikethrowingherintothedeependandhopingshecanswim.
“Whatprogramisit?”IaskSecretaryPark,mymindalreadyracingwithideasonhowtocoachHyemisothatshe’llknowhow
torespondineverysituationthatmightarise.

“CatchMeIfYouCan”
Mypulseleaps.That’soneofmyfavoriteshows.ItairseveryWednesday,andAjummaandIalwayswatchittogetherafter
dinner.Itfeaturesweeklyguests—thecastofacurrentlyairingdramaoranidolgroup—who,afterashort,sillyinterview
withthehosts,splitupintotwoteamstoplayanelaborategameoftag.

“Whoaretheotherguests?”
“It’saSeoulArtsAcademy–themedepisodethisweek.Thefilminglocationistheschool.AndtheguestsareallSAAalumni
orcurrentstudents,likeHyemi.”

IrememberhowHyemihadtoldmethatshe’denrolledintheschoolatthebeginningofthisyear.
“AndYoungmin,”SecretaryParkadds.
Ifrown.“Youngmin?ButIthoughttheXOXOmemberswereonhiatus.”
“Theyare,butthiswasscheduledinadvance.Allofthemwillbeguests.Oh,andIforgottomention.Whentheproducerrealizedyouwerealsoanalumnus,theyinsistedyoujoinaswell.”

Iblink.“What?”
“YouandHyemiwillbothbeguestsontheshow.”
“Congratulations,Seonbae!”Hyemisays.“I’msohappywe’llbeontheshowtogether.”
Sensingmystateofconfusion,SecretaryParkelaborates,“TheproducerlistenedtoyourepisodeofTheWooriandWoogiShow.Shesaysshe’safan.”

A…fan?AfterTheWooriandWoogiShowmynamewastrending,withnetizensspeculatingwhomyboyfriendwasandwhetherhewasanidoltrainee.Ievenreachedthe
topfiftyintheweeklysearchrankings.Butitneveroccurredtomethatsomeonehadlistenedtotheshowandlikedme
Ishakemyhead,pushingthesethoughtstothebackofmymind.Ineedtofocus.
“Whendoestherecordingstart?”Iask.
“Wehaveaboutanhourandahalf.”
“Okay,”Isay.Icanfeelthegearsshiftinginmyhead.“Thenlet’smakeeveryminutecount.”
WepassthroughthegatesofSeoulArtsAcademywithsecondstospare,pullingintoanemptyspaceintheparkinglot.I’m
pantingalittle,thelasthourandhalfseemingtogobyintheblinkofaneye.Aftercallingupmyhairstylistforhair
andmakeup,I’daskedAngelaifshecouldbringsomeofherclothingtothesalonforHyemitoborrow,sincethey’reabout
thesamesizeandIthoughtHyemiwouldlookgreatinAngela’sfresh,youthfulstyle.

“DoIlookallright?”Hyemiasks,nervouslypullingonhershirt.She’swearingafittedtopwithasquarenecklineandcapsleeves.I’vepaireditwithaflowyminiskirt—withblacksafetyshortsunderneath,ofcourse—andwhitesneakers,sincewe’llpresumablyberunningduringtheshoot.NormallyIwouldhaveaskedhertochoosewhattowearherself,asshe’dfeelmoreconfidentinclothingshefeltshelookedgoodin,buttherewasn’tanytime.

“Youlookbeautiful.”
Hyemiblushes.“Youlookstunning,Seonbae.”

I’dswitchedoutfitswithmyhairstylist,Soobin,atthesalon—theT-shirtdressI’dworntothemallwastoocasual—andI’m
inacorsetedtopandskintightjeans.Luckily,Iwasalreadywearingsneakers.

Weexitthevanandmakeourwaytowardthefirstfilminglocation,rightoutsidethefrontentranceoftheschool.It’sa
Sunday,whichmeansclassesaren’tinsession.Afewstudentshavevolunteeredasextrasfortheepisode,peeringfromout
thewindowsoftheschool.They’rewearingtheirschooluniforms,aswellasfacemaskstoprotecttheirprivacy.

“Seonbae,I’mnervous,”Hyemisaysaswewalk.
Itakeherhand,squeezingit.IwishI’dhadmoretimetoprepareher.Whileatthesalon,she’dconfessedshe’donlyseen
afewepisodesofCatchMeIfYouCan
“You’lldofine,”Ireassureher.“Justbeyourself.”Andhopeforagoodedit.
Aswebowandgreetthetwohosts—alarge,jolly-facedcomedianandahandsome,olderactorwhowasaheartthrobinthenineties—another
largeblackvanrollsthroughthegateintotheparkinglot.

Faintscreamseruptfromtheschoolasthebackdoorsofthevanslideopenatthesametime.JaewooandNathanieljumpoutonoppositesides,followedbyYoungmin,thenSunfromthepassengersidedoor.
Together,theybowtothestaffmembersandhostswhorushovertogreetthem
JollylaughsatsomethingNathanielsays,whileHeartthrobshakesSun’shand
MyeyeslingeronNathaniel,who’sdressedinaplaidlong-sleevedshirtandrippedjeans.He’sdyedhishairdarkbrownagain,
fromtheedgyblueofthepromotioncycle.Thoughthebluesuitedhim,thebrownisgivinghimstrong“boyfriend”vibesand
Ifeelmyheartskipabeat.

“Goodafternoon,Hyemi-ssi.”Jaewooappearsatourside.Hyemibeamsathim—theymusthavemetatthecompanyatsomepoint.
“Areyouexcitedforyourfirstvarietyshowrecording?”

“Yes!”shesqueaks.“Pleasetakecareofme,Seonbae.”Shegiveshimaninety-degreebow,towhichherespondswithanindulgent
smilebeforesaunteringawaywithonehandinhispocket.Ishakemyhead,amused.He’sclearlyfashionedhimselfaroleas
anolderbrotherfigure.Hyemi’sgazefollowshimwithfigurativeheartsinhereyes.HeneedstotoneitdownbeforeHyemi
developsafull-blowncrush,thoughIguessthatwouldn’tbesoawful.She’dwanttostickaroundifshehadacrush—long
enoughtodebutandforherfathertofollowthroughwithhisinvestment—andit’snotlikeanythingwouldcomeofit,asJaewoo’s
headoverheelsinlovewithJenny.

HewandersovertowhereNathanielisgettinghismakeuptouchedup.Oneoftheartistsholdsathinbrushtohislips,stainingthemadarkburgundy.Foramoment,Istaretransfixedasthewomandabscolorontohislips.WhenNathanielliftshisgaze,Ilookaway.
IneedtofocusifIwantHyemitonotonlyhaveapositiveexperiencebutalsoleaveagoodimpressionontheaudience.As
formyself,notlookinglikeafoolwouldbeideal.

TherecordingstartsontimewithJollyandHearthrobmakingintroductionstothecamera.Myheartdropswhentheyaskus
eachtodoashortintrodance,onlytobesurprisedwhenHyemiperformsacute,flirtydance.YoungminandNathanielare
thebestdancersinXOXO,butsinceit’savarietyprogram,theygoforlaughsinstead.Youngmindancestoapopulargirl
groupsongandNathanielspinsonhishead.Whenhisshirtstartstorideup,thehostsandmemberspileontopofhimto
preservehis“modesty.”IliftmyhandtocoverHyemi’seyes.

Whenit’smyturn,Ichannelyearsofdancetrainingtoeffortlesslymovemybody,followingtherhythmofthesongrandomly
chosenforme.SinceHyemiembodiesthe“cuteandyouthful”concept,Idecidetoplayup“sexy”and“mature.”It’salways
goodtogivetheviewersvariety.AfterIfinish,Ispotawoman—presumablytheproducerdirector,orPD—smilingatthemonitor
behindthemaincamera.

Afterfilmingtheintroductions,wetakeashortbreaktoretouchmakeupandhydrate—Hyemihastousethebathroom—thencommence
filmingthenextsegmentinwhichwe’retopickteamsforthegamepartoftheshow.

Weplaygawibawibotodecideteamcaptains,withNathaniel’srockbeatingJaewoo’sscissorstobecomeonecaptain,andSun’spaperbeatingHeartthrob’srocktobecometheother.Therestofuslineupinarow.
“Jihyuk-ah,whydon’tyouchoosefirst?”Jollyprompts.
“ThenIchooseyou,Hyeong!”NathanielpointstoJollyandthehostgiveshimahighfive.
Sunholdshischinbetweenhisforefingerandthumbasheconsiderstherestofus.ThenhepointstoHeartthrob.
Nathanielopenshisarms.“Youngmin-ah,cometoHyeong!”
“Hyeong!”YoungminrunsintoNathaniel’sarms,buthe’stooheavyandtheytoppleover.
Sun’sgazelandsonme,andthenslidestoHyemi.“WooHyemi.”HyemiclapsexcitedlybeforerushingforwardtojoinSun’s
team.

JaewooandIaretheonlyonesleft,whichisperfectbecausenowNathanielhasonlytochooseJaewooandI’llbeonateam
withHyemi.Icanwatchoverherthroughouttherestoftherecording.

“MinSori.”
Myheadjerksup.Nathanielisn’tlookingatme,butatYoungmin,who’ssomehowacquiredthreehandwarmerstojuggle.
“Sori-ssi,”Hearthrobcalls.“Nathanielpickedyouforhisteam.”
Inadaze,Iwalkovertostandbesidethem.
Thefinalbreakdownofteamsare:Sun’steam,consistingofHeartthrob,Jaewoo,andHyemi,andNathaniel’steam,whichis
Jolly,Youngmin,andmyself.

Withtheopeningpartoftheepisodewrapped,HyemiandIaresentintoalargetent,separatefromtheXOXOmembers,tochangeourclothes.IsighatallthetroubleIwentthroughtofindsuitableoutfits,butIguessitwasworthitjustforthatintro.
ThePDknocksonthemakeshiftdoorbeforestickingherheadin.“Theepisodeconceptis‘studentcouncilmembersversusthe
delinquents.’Sun’steamarethestudentcouncilmembersandNathaniel’steamarethedelinquents.Pleasedressaccordingly.”
Withthatnewsdelivered,sheabscondselsewhere.

“Somehow,”Idrawl,“theexactrightpeoplewerepickedforeachteam.”
Hyemigiggles.
Wedressquickly,emergingtofindJaewooandSunalreadywaiting,bothinidenticalpresseduniformsandeyeglasses.Hyemi
joinsthem,lookingadorableinherknee-lengthskirtandribbonednecktie.

I’vegonefortheroleof“BadGirl,”whichprobablydoesn’thelpmyimagesinceIalreadygiveoffthosevibes,withacrooked
tie,myskirtrolledatthewaist,andheavyeyeliner.I’malsowearingtrackpantsforrangeofmotion.

Youngminjoinsus,hishairmussedandhistiediscardedaltogether.
ThenNathanielemergesandYoungminfallsontheground,laughing.
“Whatkindofdelinquentareyousupposedtobe,Nathaniel-ssi?”Heartthrobasks.
Nathanielhasfullyembracedtheroleofdelinquent,specificallyonethatgetsintofights,presumablyinanalleybehind
theschool.

JaewooandJollyholdeachother,tearsrunningdowntheircheeks.“He’sputaBand-Aidabovehisbrow,”Jaewoosays,pointing.
“Isthat…blood?”Youngmincan’tbreathe.Nathaniel’sblottedredinkatthecornerofhismouth.
Nathanielturnstothecentercamerawithasmirk,andIcanalreadypictureaneditorlateradding“BadBoy”textoverthe
video.

Werecordoursecondintros,thenmovetoournextlocationsinsidethemainbuildingoftheschool.Mycamerapersonwalks
withmeupthewidestepsafterintroducinghimself.Outofthecornerofmyeye,IseeYoungmin’scamerapersonwithhishands
pressedtogetherasifpleadingwithhim.

“What’sgoingon?”Iask.
Mycamerapersonlooksover.“Ah,”hesays,“theyoungerguestscanbequite…fast.”
Forthispartofthegame,we’reseparatedandbroughttodifferentareasoftheschool.
“Fighting!”IraisemyfisttoencourageHyemiasherhandlerleadsheraway.Myownhandlerwrapsablindfoldovermyeyes.
AsIwalk,Igoovertherulesofthegameinmyhead.It’sfairlystraightforward.Somewhereintheschool,threetokens
arehidden.Theteamthatfindsthemosttokensortagsoutofallthemembersfromtheopposingteamwins.

Itrytoguesswheremyhandlerisleadingme,butquicklyloseallsenseofdirection.There’sawhooshofairasadoor
opens,andthenIwalkafewmorestepsbeforemyhandlerreleasesmyarm.SheuntiesmyblindfoldandIblinkseveraltimes
beforetakinginmysurroundings.

I’minthecafeteria.
Thesoundoftheschoolbellgoesoff,thelight,familiartunefillingmewithwarmth,bringingmebacktowhenIwasastudenthere,sittingwithmyfriendsatthesetables,laughingbetweenclasses.Thenthecheerfulmelodyends.
Atthismomentintheepisode,viewerswillseeeightseparateboxesontheirtelevisionscreens,showingallofusatthe
startofthegame.

Ready,set,go!Fourteen
MygoalistofindHyemisothatshecantagmeout,butIhavetowaitorit’llbetooobvious.
Iscantheemptytablesinthecafeteria.It’sunlikelythey’dstartaplayerinthesameroomasatoken,butImightaswellsearchsinceIhavetime.Imovetowardthekitchenarea,beside
thecafeteria.Thelightsareturnedoff,whichindicatesthere’snothingtofindhere,andyet…

Istarttoopencabinets,crawlingonmyhandsandkneestolookthroughshelvesstackedwithstainlesssteelpotsandpans.
Mycamerapersonfollowsme,recordingmyeveryaction.

Idon’tknowwhatI’mlookingfor.Theydidn’ttelluswhatthetokenslooklike,onlythatwe’llknowthemwhenweseethem.
Itwistopenthedoorofthewalk-incoolerandablastofcoldenvelopsme.Iimmediatelyspotanobjectthatdoesn’tbelong
amongthefrozenmeatsandvegetables.Grabbingit,Irushoutofthefridgeandhurriedlyduckbehindthecounter.Crouched
onthefloor,Irevealthetokentothecamera.It’salittlestuffedanimalofthemascotofourschool,abunnyholding
atinytrumpet.

It’ssocute.Ipressittomychestinamomentofbliss,thenrememberI’mbeingrecorded.Openingmybackpack—they’dgivenonetoeach
ofusatthestartofthegame—Ituckthebunnyinside,thenswingitontomyback.

“Youdidn’tzipyourbackpackalltheway,”mycamerapersonsays.
Ihesitate,ablushcreepingupmyneck.“Hecan’tbreatheifit’szippedalltheway.”
OhmyGod,Ican’tbelieveIsaidthataloud.Howembarrassing.Ipressmyhandstomyfaceandhurryoutofthekitchenarea
andbackthroughthecafeteria.

Howmuchtimehaspassed?HowwillIknowifsomeoneelsefoundatoken?
Fromthewindowfacingthebackoftheschool,IlookouttoseeYoungminsprintingacrosstheathleticsfield.Afewseconds
later,hiscamerapersonfollows,huffingandpuffingbehindhim.

I’msteppingfromthestairwellontothefifthfloorwhenIglimpsethelightsofafilmingcrewdownthehall.It’sanother
player,likelymorethanonewiththatmanycameras.IsitHyemi?Asenseofuneasesettlesinmygut.ItcouldbeSunor
Jaewoo.Thethoughtofbeingchasedseemsabitterrifying.Ididn’tthinkI’dbeafraidplayingthisgame.Ialmostscreamwhenahandgrabsmyarm,pullingmeintoanemptyclassroom.Mycamerapersonstumbles
intotheroombehindme.

“Nathaniel?”Igasp.Hiscameraperson—awomanwithacheckeredbandanaaroundhernoseandmouth—wavesfrombehindhisleftshoulder.

“Whatareyoudoing?”hesays.“That’sSundownthere.Ithinkhe’smetupwiththehost.Doyouwantthemtogetyouout?”

ThereliefIfeelatseeingNathanielisintoxicating.Ialmostactonimpulseandthrowmyarmsaroundhim,thenrememberwe’rebeing
recorded.

“Ofcoursenot,”Isay.Ican’ttellNathanielthatI’mtryingtofindHyemisothatshecantagmeout.Hesweepshishandthroughhisdarkhair,themetallicringsonhisfingersglinting.

Toremaintogetherintheshot,I’mstandingclosetohim.Whilehisattention,andtheattentionofthecameras,isonthe
windowandwhat’shappeningoutsideofit,Ihavearareopportunitytostudyhim.Hislipshaveretainedtheirburgundystain,
thoughthere’saslightindentwherehemusthavebittenthem.Hishairistrulyaworkofart,hishairstylisthavingused
geltokeepitsshapeduringtheepisode,afewstrandsfallingacrosshisbrow;hispulsebeatsrapidlyathisthroat.

Whilesomegirls,likeJenny,preferastudentcouncilmember,I’madmittedlymuchmoreattractedtoadelinquent.AndNathaniel
hasalwaysembodiedthatspirit,atleastinthegroup.WhileSunwastheheartbreaker,Youngmintheboynextdoor,andJaewoo
thestudentcouncilpresident,Nathanielwastherebel.Theonewhobrokealltherulesandmademewanttobreakthemtoo.
Ifitwastodefendafriend,hewouldcallabullytoanalleyforafight.Orhemightmeetthegirlhelikesupontherooftopforakiss.

“Let’swaituntiltheymoveoutofthehall,”hesays,andInod,myfaceredfromthedirectionofmythoughts.
Wecrouchdownbeneaththewindow.
“Canyouturnoffyourlight?”Nathanielaskshiscameraperson,andsheswitchesoffhercameralight.Mycamerapersondoes
aswell.Andnowallfourofusarecrouchedtogetherinthedarknessbeneaththewindow.

There’sasoundoutside.Nathanielshiftshisbodytocovermine,pressinghishandagainstthewall.Whenit’sclearthesoundwasjustaproductionassistantmakingtherounds,helowershisarm.
I’mfilledwithgratitudethatI’mnotalone,thathe’stheonebymyside.

“There’sadvantagestosplittingup,”Nathanielsaysslowly,“butalsostayingtogether.”
“Iwanttostaytogether,”Isay.
Heletsoutabreath,turninghisfaceaway.Afterashortpause,hesays,“Youwatchmyback,I’llwatchyours?”
Iwaituntilheturnstomebeforepressingmyforefingerandthumbtogether.“Okay.”
Hegivesmealopsidedsmile.
WewaitanotherfewminutesbeforeNathanielpeeksthroughthewindow.“Ithinkthey’regone.Let’sgo.”
“Wait.”Igrabontothebackofhisuniformshirt.“Iwanttoshowyousomething.”
Ireleasehimandswingmybackpackforward,openingittoshowhimthestuffedanimalinside.“Ifoundoneofthetokens
inthecafeteria’skitchen.”

“Damn,Sori!”Helaughs,hiseyestwinkling.“Nicework!”Heraisesbothofhishands,palmsup,andIslapmineagainstthem.
Ourcamerapeopleseempleasedthatwe’vejoinedup.Betweenthetwoofthem,theyshouldhaveavarietyofanglestoshoot
from.

Movingdowntothethirdfloor,weenteraclassroomfilledwithstudents.There’salreadyafilmingcrewinside,whichis
averystrongindicatorthattheproducerswantustolingerhere.

“Isthereatokeninthisroom,byanychance?”Nathanielasksagirlinthefrontrow.
Shegigglesbehindherfacemaskbutdoesn’tanswerhim.Theymusthavebeeninstructednottohelpusuntilwe’veearned
it.

“Canyougiveusahint?”Heflasheshismostcharmingsmile,dimplesshowing.
“Maybeifyoudoadance,”thegirl’sseatmatesayscheekily.
Nathanieldoesn’thesitate,backslidingacrossthefloor.Thestudentsinthebackrowstanduptogetabetterview.They’re
atoughcrowd,though,becauseevenafterthisdisplay,theyremainsilent.

“Whataboutforme?”Iask,thendoadoublepirouetteintoafrontsplit.
Threeboysimmediatelypointtooneofthelockersinthebackoftheclassroom.Imovedowntheaisle,blowingthemakiss.
Insidethelockerisanotherstuffedanimal.Thistimethebunnymascotisholdingalittledrum.“Iloveyou,”Iwhisper.
“Whatdidyousay?”
IturntofindNathanielleaningagainstthelockers.
“Nothing,”Isayquickly.“Youwanttoholdhim?”
“Him?”Hetakesthebunnyinbothofhishands,turningitaroundtofaceme.Usinghisfingers,hemaneuversthebunny’s
armssothatthepawthatholdsthedrumstickbeatsthelittledrum.Myheartfeelsasifit’sgrownthreetimesitssize,
watchinghiminteractwiththestuffedanimal.Imustmakeasoftsoundbecausehelooksuptocatchmestaringathim.His
browliftsslightly.

“Here,”hesays,straighteningfromthelockers,“turnaround.”
“Whatareyou—?”Mybreathcatchesatthecooltouchofhisfingersagainstmyneck.Brushingmyhairaside,heunzipsmybackpack,tuckingDrumBunnyalongsideTrumpetBunny.There’sonemoreleft.Whatinstrumentwillhebeplaying?Aflute?Aviolin?Ihaveasudden,powerfulneedtoknow
“Youwanttofindthethirdbunny,don’tyou?”Nathanielsaysfrombehindme.Hehasn’tremovedhishandsfromthebackpack.
Icanfeeltheslightpressureashemaneuversthebunniescomfortablyaround.

“Yes,”Ibreathe.
“Thenthere’sonlyonethinglefttodo.Win.”
Hestartstozipupmybackpack,butmycamerapersonstopshim.“Leaveitalittleopen.”
Asweexittheclassroomfromthefrontoftheroom,thebackdoorslidesopenandHeartthrobandSunenter.There’sashort
pause,thenHeartthrobpoints.“Getthem!”

Nathanielgrabsmyhand,andweraceoutoftheroom.IfeelasifI’veneverrunsofastinmylife,myhairflyingoutbehind
me.Nathanieltakesaleftattheendofthehall,andwetumbleintoanelevator.Ipressthebuttonfortherooftopwhile
Nathanielpoundstheclosebutton.Whenthedoorsshut,wesinkagainstoppositewalls,thenIrealizewhatwe’vedone.

“Nathaniel!”
“What?”
“Weforgotthecameras!”
“Oh,shit.”
Alaughescapesme,asnortreally,andthenItotallyloseit,laughingsohardIcanhardlybreathe.Nathanielisnobetter,barelyholdinghimselfup.AllthistimeI’vebeencarefultokeepmycamerapersonwithme,butinthatmoment,withadrenalinepumpingthroughmyveins,I’dcompletelyforgotten.
“It’sokay,”Nathanielsays,wipingthetearsfromhiseyes.Hepointstoacamerathey’veriggedoverthesecuritycamera
atthetopcorneroftheelevator.“They’llusefootagefromthat.”

MybackpackbuzzesandIpulloutawalkie-talkie,switchingiton.
“Sori-ssi?”mycamerapersonwheezes.
“We’regoingtotherooftop,”Itellhim.
“Won’tSunseewe’reheadedthatwayandfollowus?”NathanielasksafterI’veswitchedoffthewalkie-talkie.
“I’msurethePDwillholdthemoffuntilwe’reatleastreunitedwiththecameras.”
We’rebothbreathingheavilyfromtherunningandthelaughter.
“You’regoodatthis,”hesays.“Iknewyouwouldbe.”
“Isthatwhyyouchosemeforyourteam?”I’dwonderedwhyhe’dchosenmewhenhecouldhavepickedJaewoo,who’sfamousfor
beinggoodatvarietyprograms.Infact,he’salreadybeenaguestonthisexactshow.Maybehe’dthoughtitmadethemost
logicalsensefortwoXOXOmemberstobeoneachteam,butNathanielisn’tlikethat.He’snotlikeJaewoo,orme,who’dpick
forwhatwasbestfortheshow,orSun,whowouldpickforstrategy,orYoungmin,who’dpickbasedonwhohe’dhavethemost
funwith.Nathanielwouldn’tconsideranyofthosethings.

“Whydidyoupickmeforyourteam?”Iask.

“Ididn’twanttochaseyou,”hesays,andIwince.DidhefinallyrealizeI’mnotworthchasing?“Iwantedtorunwithyou.”

Icatchmybreath.BeforeIcanrespond,theelevatordoorsopen.Ourcamerapeopleappearatthetopofthestairwell,havingracedtotherooftop.
Nathanielstepsoutoftheelevator.“Sorryaboutthat,”hesays,scratchingthebackofhishead.
“Shouldwesearchtherooftop?”heasksme.Howcanheactnormalafterwhathejustsaid?
“Sori-ssi?”mycamerapersonprompts,huffingandpuffing.
“Yes.Right.Let’sdo…that.”
Therooftopoftheschoolisalarge,spaciousareawithastorageroomaswellassolarpanels.Theskyisdarkbeyondthe
highwalls,thesunhavingsetwhilewewerefilminginside.Wefindthelastplushiebehindapottedplant.It’sholding—

“Acello!”Ishout.
“Youhaveanuncannyknackforfindingstuffedanimals,”Nathanielsays.“Areyougoodatfindingstuffedanimalsorarestuffedanimalsgoodatfindingyou?”

“Irefusetoqualifythatquestionwithananswer.”
Mycamerapersonpullsuphiswalkie-talkie,relayingsomethingtothePD.Afewminuteslater,anannouncementpealsthrough
thespeakers.“Allthreetokenshavebeenfound.Aten-minutecountdownclockhasbeenset.Thefirstteamtotagoutall
themembersoftheopposingteambeforetheendofthecountdownwins;otherwise,theteamwiththemosttokenswins.”

“Ohno,”Igroan.Thisisn’tgood.Ican’twinI’dbeensodistractedwithfindingthestuffedanimalsthatI’dforgottenmyoriginalintentiontohelpHyemi.Irushback
tothestairs.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Nathanielsays,comingupbehindme.“Weshouldbehiding.”

“IneedtofindHyemi,”Iwhisper,sothatonlyhecanhear.
“WhydoyouneedtofindHyemi?”Hisvoiceechoesloudlyinthestairwell.
“Shh!”Icoverhismouth;then,grabbinghishand,Itughimafterme.
“Sori,seriously,what—?”
Nathanieldoesn’thavetimetofinishthatthoughtbecausesuddenlytherearecameraseverywhereandHyemiisflyingupthe
stairslikeshe’spossessed,rippingmybackpackfrommyback.Behindher,NathanielandJaewoograppleforeachother’sbackpacks.

“MinSorieliminated,”theannouncersays.Thenahalfsecondlater,“NathanielLeeeliminated.”
Ourcamerapeopleleadustothefirstfloorwheretheprincipal’sofficeactsasawaitingroomforeliminatedplayers.We
slumpacrossfromeachotherontheleathersofas.Shortlyafter,thedooropensandJollywalksin.Hetakesonelookat
usandsighs.“IthinkTeamDelinquentsisdonefor.”

“WooHyemieliminated.BaeJaewooeliminated.”
ThedooropensandHyemiandJaewoowalkin,followedbyHeartthrobwho’sannouncedasbeingeliminatedashortfewseconds
later.

Isitupinmychair.“Whathappened?”
Theydon’thavetimetoanswerbecausethePD’svoiceissuesovertheintercom.“OhSuneliminated.School’sout!Victory
totheDelinquents!”

NathanielandIexchangelooksofshock.
AgrinspreadsacrossNathaniel’sface.“What…?”
Sunwalksin,followedbyYoungminwhohasmybackpackslungoverhisshoulder.
Nathanielstands,hiseyesdartingfromYoungmintoSun.“Hyeong,whathappened?”
“Youngminisabeast,”Sunsays,asanexplanation.
Youngmindoesavictorydance,cartwheelingontohiskneesandthrowingafingerheartatthecamera.
Andwiththat,theepisodereachesitsconclusion.
It’sonea.m.,thefilminghavinggonewellintothenight.WhileJiSeokwaited,SecretaryParkwenthomehoursago.Areplacement
driverstandsbythevantotakeHyemiandmehome.Westarttowalkover.

“I’lltakeYoungmintohisparents’homeandthendropyouoffattheapartment,”IoverhearJiSeoksayingtoNathaniel,
Jaewoo’smotherandyoungersisterhavingcomebytopickhimupandSunhavingabscondedinacarservicesentbyhisgrandfather.

FromwhatIrecall,Youngmin’shomeisintheoppositedirectionoftheapartmentsharedbytheXOXOmembers.
“Youcanridewithus,”Ioffer.“Hyemi’shouseisonthewaytoyourapartment.”Iblushatmyimpulsiveoffer,butit’s
alsothemostconvenientforeveryone.I’mthinkingofJiSeok,whocangohomeearlierafterdroppingoffYoungmin.

Nathanielglancesinmydirection.“I’llgowiththem,”hesays,andJiSeoknods.
HyemiandItakethetwomiddleseats,whileNathanielclimbsintotheback.It’squietformostofthedrive,allofusexhausted
afterthelongshoot.

AsthedriverpullsintoHyemi’sneighborhood,shereleasesaheavysigh.
“Hyemi,issomethingthematter?”Iask.
“DoyouthinkImadeagoodimpression?”
“Ofcourse,”Isay,thoughI’mprickedwithguiltforhavingspentmoretimeplayingthegamewithNathanielthanactively
helpingHyemi.Idomeanit,though.Hyemiwasshyinfrontofthecamera,butthat’stobeexpected.“They’llloveyou,”Isay,truthfully.“Howcouldtheynot?”

WepullupinfrontofherHannamapartmentbuilding,locatedinoneofthemostexpensivecomplexesinSeoul.“Thankyou,”
shesays,thenaddsshyly,“Eonni.”She’soutthedoorfasterthanIcanblink.AsImovetositbackinmyseat,feeling
alittledazed,ImeetNathaniel’sgazethroughtherearviewmirror.Heturnshisfacesothathe’slookingoutthewindow,
butnotbeforeIseethesmallsmileplayingalonghismouth.
Fifteen
“Youcandropmeoffhere,”Nathanieltellsthedriveroncewe’vepulleduptothecornerofhisstreet.Evenaftertheir
musiccareerstookoffandtheystartedsigningendorsementdeals,themembersofXOXOchosetoremainlivingtogether.Youngmin
isstillinhighschool,andasSunputit,they“wanttowatchhimgrowupwell.”Butalso,theygenuinelyenjoyeachother’s
company.

Exceptnoneoftheothermembersareattheapartmentrightnow.Instead,adarklineofcarswaitsforNathaniel,idling
bythecurbwiththeirlightsdimmed.

Ileanforwardinmyseat.“Arethosetabloidreporters?”Cigarettesmokedriftsfromtheopenwindows,visiblebeneaththe
lampposts.“Theywaitforyoulikethat?”

“It’sgottenworse,”Nathanielsaysfromthebackseat.There’sarustlingsoundashegathershisbelongings.
“Doesn’tyourbuildinghavesecurity?”Myuneaseintensifiesatthethoughtofhimwalkingpastallthosecars.
“Itdoes,butsincetheyparkacrossthestreetandnotontheproperty,thesecurityguardscan’tdoanythingaboutit.Honestly,
it’sfine.”

MystomachtensesasIcatchsightofalong-barreledcamerajuttingoutfromacrankedopenwindow.
Nathanielclimbsfromtheback,slidingontoHyemi’svacatedseatashereachesforthedoor.
“Wait.”Icatchthebackofhisshirt.
Hestops,onehandonthedoorhandle.Hisgazeflitstomyfingersholdingontothesliveroffabric.Memoriesofmychildhood
stealthroughme,ofthesamedarklineofcarswaitingformymotherandme,outsidethecompany,outsidemyschool,the
suddenflashastheworldseemedtoeruptaroundusinlightsandshouts.WhatisyourstatementonAssemblymanMin’saffair?Didyouknowtheotherwoman?Istherumortrue,thatyou’vefiledfor
adivorce?
“Sori?”Nathanieldrawsmebacktothepresent.Hehasn’tmoved.Hisgazeisn’tonmyhandthatstillgripsthebackofhis
shirt,butsteadiedonmyface.Iknowit’sunreasonable,thatthepaparazziwon’tactuallyhurthim,butIhaveanunshakeable
feelingthatbylettinghimgooutside,I’msendinghimintodanger.

Imakeadecision,thenandthere.“Comehomewithme.”
Hiseyeswidenslightly,thenhisgazeflickstothedriver.I’mnotworriedhe’llsayanything.He’saJoahemployee,which
meanshe’scontractuallyobligatedtokeeptheprivacyofitsartists.

IreleaseNathanielandsitbackinmyseat.“Canyoupleasetakeustomyhouse?”
It’sclosetotwoa.m.whenNathanielandIexitthevan.Mystreetisquiet.Myclosestneighborsarehalfwaydownthehill
andaroundacorner.TheautomaticoutdoorlightsflickeronasIkeyinthecodetothefrontgate.

“Thisisyourhouse?”Nathanielsayswithawhistle,steppingintothefrontyardbehindme.“IfeellikeI’minParasite.”

Iglareathim.
“Butlessmurder-y,”heamends.
IguessIcansortofseewherehe’scomingfrom.MymotherhiredaSeoul-basedarchitectofsomerenowntodesignthehouse,whichhasfivebedrooms
andanindoorpoolandgym.Inmiddleschool,Iwouldsometimesinviteclassmatesoverwhowouldtellmehowenviousthey
werethatIlivedinsuchaspacioushomeinSeoul.

Nathanieltrailsmeupthelitpathtothefrontdoor.
ThefoyerisspotlessthankstoAjumma’sdiligentcleaning.Openingtheshoecabinetofftotheside,Itakeoutapairof
houseslippersandplacethemonthefloorforNathanieltouse.

“Areyouhungry?”Iask.Evenifitisthemiddleofthenight,Ifeelawkwardleadinghimstraightupstairs,wherethebedrooms
arelocated.

“Well,nowI’mcravingChapaguri,”hesayswithagrin,referencingtheinstantnoodledishpopularizedbyParasite
Irollmyeyes.“Thekitchen’soverhere.”
Ileadhimfromthefoyer,pastthediningarea,andintothekitchen.Chapaguriiscreatedbycombiningtwoinstantnoodle
brands,ChapaghettiandNeoguri.Inthepantry,Iopenadrawertofindseveralbrandsofinstantnoodlepacketsneatlylined
up,grabbingthetwothatIneed.

Afterboilingthewater,Iplacebothpacketsofnoodlesanddriedvegetableflakesintothepot.Whileit’scooking,Iglance
overmyshouldertoseeNathanielonthebarstoolbehindtheisland.Whenourgazesmeet,Iquicklyturnaround,breaking
thenoodlesapartwithmychopstickssothatthey’llcookevenly.

“CanIhelp?”heasks.
Irememberhowhehelpedhissistersthatmorningathishouse.Ihavenodoubtthathe’sperfectlycapableinakitchen.Gettingupfromthestool,hemakeshiswayaroundtheislandtowardme.
“Idon’tknowwhereeverythingis…”IwinceasIsaythewordsaloud.ThekitchenisAjumma’sdomain;thefewtimesI’ve
askedtohelp,whetherwiththecookingorthecleaningupafterward,she’sshooedmeaway.ThoughnowI’mwonderingifI
shouldhavetriedharder.

“That’sfine,”Nathanielsayseasily,alreadyopeningdrawersandcabinets,“I’llfigureitout.”
Herootsoutplacematsinadrawerbesidethestove,pluckscupsfromacabinet.
“Doyouneedthis?”heasks,holdingupastrainerthathe’dfoundinabottomdrawer.
“Yes.Ithinkthenoodlesareready.”
Heplacesthestrainerinthesinkwhile,usingtwohands,Ibringoverthepot,tiltingtopouroutthenoodles,butmaking
suretokeepalittlebitofthebrothinside.Then,transferringthenoodlesbackintothepot,Iaddthepacketsofpowder
andmixthoroughly.

“Therearesidedishesinthefridge,”ItellNathaniel.
HemovestoretrievethemwhileIdistributeourportionsofChapaguriintoseparatebowls.He’salreadyseatedbythetime
I’mfinished.

“Thankyouforthemeal,”hesaysbeforepickinguphischopsticks.
“It’snotquitelikethefilm,”IsayasIwatchhimtakeaninhumanlylargebite.
Nathanielshakeshishead,unabletospeak,reachingforasliceofcabbagekimchitosupplementhiseatingexperience.
“It’sperfect,”hesays,afterchewingandswallowing.
Warmthsuffusesme.Ifeelsillyforbeingsohappy.It’sinstantnoodlesButheeatssoheartily,takingonelargebiteafteranother.Hebendshisheadsothatthenoodleshavelessofadistance
totravelbetweenthebowlandhismouth.

Itakemyownfirstbiteandletoutasoftmoan.Nathanielraiseshisgaze,laughterinhiseyes.It’saperfectbalance
ofthesavoryrichnessoftheblacknoodlesauceandthespicyseafoodNeoguri,ofwhichIonlyusedathirdoftheflavor
packettomitigatethespice.Idon’tknowifit’sthelatenightormygeneralstateofhunger,butit’sdelicious
EventuallyNathanielslowsdown,allowingformorehumanbites.“Soareyougoingtotellmewhatyouweredoingtoday?”
Myshoulderstense.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Attheschool,whenJaewooandWooHyemicorneredusinthestairwell.Youletherwin.”

“Youcan’tknowthatforsure.Shecaughtmebysurprise.Youdidn’treallyputupmuchofafightwithJaewoo.”

“Iwastoodistractedbyyoulosingonpurpose.”

“Wasitthatobvious?”Ibitemylip.Theplanwon’tworkifpeoplebelieveIwastryingtohelpHyemi.
“Itwasn’t,”Nathanielsays,inagentlervoicethanwhenheaccusedmenotamomentbefore.“Whatareyouupto,Sori?”
YesterdayI’dtoldSuneverything,evenaboutJoah’sfinancialdifficulties,buttellingNathanielfeelsdifferent.Forone,Idon’twanttoburdenhimwhenhe’sonhiatusafterworkingsohardforthepastyear.Andanother,forallhisrebelliousways,Nathanielhasastrongsenseofjustice—that’soneofthemanythingsIadmireabouthim,thathespeaksoutagainstthingshefeelsarewrongorunfair.WhichiswhyIcan’ttellhimthatmymotherisonlydebutingHyemiforherfather’sfinancialsupport.Idon’twanthimtothinkbadlyofher.
And,I’lladmit,there’sasmallpartofmethatwondersifhe’llthinkbadlyofmeforhelpingher.IknewSunwouldn’tthinktwiceaboutit,astoeingthemorallineisparforthecourseforpeoplelike
us,whoseparentsareinthetopmostechelonofKoreansociety.

Ican,however,answerhisquestionwithsomeofthetruth.“YouknowDreamMusic,thecompanyJoahrecentlyacquired?They
alreadyhadagirlgroupsettodebutatthetimeoftheacquisition.Hyemi’sjoiningthisgroup,ASAP,astheiryoungest
member,exceptshehasn’thadanyformaltraining.Shehaslessthantwoweekstolearnthechoreography,recordherpart
inthetitletrack,andrehearseforthegroup’sdebutshowcase.

“Theotherday,rightbeforethescandal,actually,ItoldmymotherIdidn’twanttodebutasanidolanymore.Wemadea
dealthatifIgotHyemireadyfortheshowcaseintime,she’dletmefigureoutwhatitisIactuallydowanttodo.Ican
walkawayfree,nostringsattached.”Sunhadremindedmeaboutmycontract,whichI’llaskSecretaryParkaboutnullifying,
butitshouldn’tbeaproblem.MymotherandIhaveneverbrokenpromisestoeachother.“I’mthebestpersontohelpHyemi,
sinceI’msortofaprofessionaltraineeatthispoint.”

ThewholetimeI’vebeenspeaking,Nathaniel’skeptthesameexpression,onlyfrowningslightlywhenIsaidI’dchangedmymindaboutdebutingasanidol.Iwonderifhe’llsaysomethingnowtotalkmeoutofit.BeforeGiTaekandAngela,hewastheonewhosupportedmydreamthemost.

“Soyou’retellingmeHyemibasicallyhastojointhegroupASAP.”
Irollmyeyes,notmissingthedoubleentendre.
“Thatmakessense,”hesays.“Whyyou’dhelpher,andnotjustbecauseofthedealwithyourmother.Youlikehelpingpeople.”
Myfacewarmsathiswords.Hesoundssogenuine,asifitwerethatsimpleforhim.“Youdon’tthinkI’mmakingamistake?”
Hedoesn’tanswerimmediately,andIappreciatethat,becauseitmeanshe’stakingmyquestionseriously.“You’renotarash
person,”hesaysslowly,“andImeanthatasacompliment.”Iwonderifhe’srememberingNewYork,andhowhesaidIwasn’t
impulsive.“Youthinkthingsthrough,fromalldifferentangles.Youreallytakecareofyourself.Emotionally.Mentally.
It’swhatmakesyoureliable,andwhyyou’retheperfectpersontolookoutforHyemi.”

Nowit’snotjustmyfacethatfeelswarmbutallofme.
AftertalkingwithNathaniel,IrealizeI’vespokentoeveryoneimportantinmylifeaboutthis,everyonewhoseopinionI
careaboutthemost.

WhoIcareaboutthemost.AndIdocareaboutNathaniel.That,atleast,Icanadmittomyself.Icareabouthiswell-being.
Iworryforhim.Iwanthimtobehappyandsafe.

“Nathaniel,”Isay.“Nadinetoldmeyou’retheonlyoneattheapartmentrightnow,andwiththetabloidreportersloiteringoutside,it’sdifficulttoleave…”Itakeadeepbreath.“Wouldyouliketostayhere,atmyhouse,whileyou’reonhiatus?”
It’sthefavorNadineaskedofme.Atthetime,I’dconsidereditforonemainreason,andthathasn’tchanged—toreturnthe
favorofthatsummerIspentwithhisfamilyinNewYork—butnow,Iwanttodothisforhissake,becauseIcareabouthim,
asafriend.

Nathanieldropshiseyes,onlytoliftthem.“CanIgiveyouananswertomorrow?”
“Ofcourse,”Isayhurriedly.“Isprungthisonyou.”Myfaceheatsup.Hemustfeeluncomfortableatthethoughtofstaying
athisex-girlfriend’shouse.I’mtooembarrassedtolookathim,soIlookdownatmyemptybowl.

Nadinehadalsosaidhehadasecretwork-relatedproject.It’spossiblehewantstostaynearhisapartmentforthat,as
well.

“Thanks,Sori,”hesays.WhenIglanceuptomeethisgaze,hiseyesarewarm.“Iappreciatetheinvite.”
“DidyougetachancetotalktoHyemi?”Isay,hopingthechangeofsubjectwillcovermyembarrassment.“She’ssweet.You’d
likeher.She’snotthatmuchyoungerthanus.Andshe’sCanadian.HerfirstlanguageisEnglish.”

“Isshe?”Nathanielsays,lettingoutayawn.
Ilookatmyphonetoseewe’vebeensittinginthekitchenforalmostanhour.
“You’reexhausted.Comeon,letmeshowyoutoyourroom.”Wecleanupourdishestogetherandheadbackthroughthedining
roomandupthestairstothesecondfloor.

“Mymother’sroomisthatlastone,”Isay,pointingdownthehalltothecloseddoubledoors.“Don’tworry.She’sneverhere.Sheonlycomestothehousetopickupclothingandspendshernightsattheoffice.”
Nathanielfrowns.“Youlivealone?”
“Ihaveahousekeeper.Shecomesduringtheweekdaysandstaysovernight.Thisistheguestbedroom.”Ipressopenthedoor,
lettingitswingwide.

“Damn.”Nathanielwhistles.“Thisisthesizeofourentireapartment.”
“Ihighlydoubtthat.”TheXOXOmembersliveinaveryexpensiveapartmentbuilding.“Doyouneed…anything?Pajamas?Therearetowelsandasparetoothbrushinthebathroom.”

“I’mgood,”hesays,leaningagainstthedoor.
“Butwhatareyougoingtosleepin?”Isaywithafrown.
“Thebed.”
“Butinyouroutsideclothes?”Iwrinklemynose.

“No.”
Ittakesmeasecondtorealizewhathe’ssaying.Ishouldbeembarrassed,butI’mmorecurious.Isthathowhealwayssleeps?
“Butwon’tyoubecold?”

Helaughs.“Maybe.Isthatyourroombehindyou?”
“Yes,”Isay,thenaddquickly,“Youcan’tgoin.”
Ipicturewhathe’dseeifhewalkedintomyroomrightnow—stuffedanimalscoveringeveryflatsurface,includingmybed.
“Iwasn’tplanningto,”hedrawls.
Iglareathim.Then,realizingwe’restandingclose,Itakeabigstepback
Hefrownsslightlyatthemovement.
“Well,Iguessthisisgoodnight.”Ipressmybackagainstmydoor,findingtheknob.
Nathanielstudiesmyface,hisgazelingeringonmynose,myeyes,mylips.“Night,Sori.”
Iopenmydoorandslipbehindit,notmovinguntilIhearthesoftclickofhisdoor.Sixteen
ImusthavebeenexhaustedbecauseIsleeptheentirenightthrough,onlywakingwhenmyphonechirpswithamessage.Bleary-eyed,
Irollover,stuffedanimalstumblingoffmybedasIreachformyphoneonmynightstand.ThemessageisfromSecretaryLee,
myfather’ssecretary:YourluncheonwithAssemblymanMinandCEOKimisscheduledfor13:00today.He’salsoprovidedthelocation—anupscaleJapaneserestaurantinApgujeong—andaremindertodressinsuitableattire.

Withagroan,Itossmyphoneacrossthebed.ThelasttimeImetmyfatherandgrandmothertogetherwasshortlyafterIreturned
toKoreafollowingmyfather’sscandal,whenmygrandmotherhadcontactedareportertocometoherhomeforanexclusive
interview.TheexperiencewasaltogetherunpleasantasIhadtoliethroughmyteeth,whileenduringnumerousinsultsagainst
mymotherfrommygrandmother,aunt,andcousins.

Itakeadeepbreathandtossthememorytothebackofmymind.Theluncheonisn’tuntilthisafternoon,andsinceI’mto
meetHyemiafterherpractice,IhavethewholemorningtospendexactlyhowIwish.

IsNathanielawake?Mybodyfeelsoddlylight,likethere’saballooninmychest.He’ssoclose;onlytwodoorsandahallwayseparateus.IfeelmoreawakethanIhaveallweek,possiblyallmonth.Mymindraceswithideasforthemorning.He’lldefinitelybehungry.Diggingthroughmystuffedanimals,Ifindmyphoneonthebedagain.MorecascadeoffthesideasIslidefromthemattress,scrollingthroughSNSforrecipeideas.Icanpictureitinmyhead:Japanesesoufflépancakesservedonporcelainplates;awhiteflowerpluckedfromthegardeninacrystalvaseasacenterpiece,andmaybeanotherflowerformyhair.
Afteraquickshower,Ichangeintoacollaredpalecreamone-piece,theskirtswishingabovemyknees.Inthebathroom,I
applyeyelinerandcurlmylashes.I’monlyexcitedbecauseI’veneverhadaguestalltomyselfbefore.Ajummawashereboth
timesGiTaekandAngelavisited,andJennyaswell.She’snotherenowbecauseit’sMonday,whichmeansshewon’tbeatthe
houseuntillaterthisafternoon.I’dbeexcitedforanyvisitor,truly.

WhenIleavemyroom,theguestroomdoorisslightlyajar.“Nathaniel?”Icallout.Whenhedoesn’trespond,Iknocklightly
onthedoor,thenpushitopen.Adouble-sidedshelfinthemiddleoftheroomblocksthebedfromview.

Rememberingourconversationfromlastnightaboutpajamas,orthelackofthem,mybreathsturnshallow.
Iclearmythroat.“Nathaniel?I’mcominginside.Youbetterbedressed.”Walkingaroundtheshelf,Iraisemyeyestothe
king-sizedbedsituatedonanelevatedplatform.

It’s…empty.
Foramoment,Ijuststandthere,confused.ThenIcheckthebathroom,onlytofinditemptytoo.
MyheartthumpsheavilyinmychestasIleavetheroom,walkingdownstairsandopeningthecabinetintheentranceway.InsidearetheguestslipperswhereNathanielhadlefthisshoesthenightbefore.
Theballooninmychestpops.He’sgone.
I’mstillthinkingofNathanielwhenIshowupforthelunchwithmyfatherandgrandmother.Whendidheleave?Whydidn’t
hesayanything?Icheckedmyphone,buthehadn’tleftmeanymessages.

AwaiterpullsbacktheslidingdoorandIslipoffmyshoesbeforeenteringtheprivateroom.“Goodafternoon,Halmeoni,
Abeoji,”Isay,bowingtoeachofthem—seatedoneithersideofalowtable—beforesinkingontothesilkfloorcushionbeside
myfather,whogreetsmewithawarmsmile.Mygrandmotherdoesn’tlookup.

Thesoothingsoundsofthebamboowaterfountaindriftfromthebackoftheroomasthehollowchutefillswithwater,then
drops,pouringintoabasin.Ifeelsoothed,almost
Aserverpoursteafromaclaypotintoateacup;steamliftsfromthesurfaceashehandsittome.Iacceptitwithboth
hands,andmyfather’seyescrinkleinapproval.Thoughmymotherisarenownedbeauty,acquaintancescommentonthephysical
attributesmyfatherandIshare.Wehavethesamestraightnose,archedbrows,andthickblackhair,thoughhisissilvering
atthetemples.

“It’shighlyirregularthatyourfathermustscheduletimestohaveamealwithyou,”mygrandmothersays,herloudvoice
penetratingthetranquilityoftheroom.“Thiswouldn’tbeanissueifyoujustcametolivewithyourfatherandme.Myhouse
ismuchmorecomfortablethanthatgaudymonstrosityMinHeehaddesigned.Awasteofyourfather’smoney.AndIhaveaprofessional
cook,notacharitycase,likethewomanyourmotheremploys.”

Icounttofiveinmyhead.Ilearnedyearsagonottoargueortalkbacktomygrandmother,notjustbecauseshe’smygrandmotherandthatwouldbeincrediblydisrespectful,butbecausedoingsoonlymakesthingsworse,andultimatelymymotheristheonewho’sblamedformybadbehavior.It’sbecauseofherbloodthatSoriisactingthisway.
“Ajummatakesverygoodcareofme,Halmeoni,”Isay,inthesweetestvoiceIcanmuster,“andIcouldn’tleavemymother
inthatbighouse,allalone.”

Ialsolearned,alongtimeago,nottofeelbadaboutlyingtomygrandmother,especiallyifit’stoprotectmymother.She
doesn’tneedtoknowthatIbasicallylivealone.

Mygrandmothersniffsloudly.“Youshouldshowthesameconsiderationtoyourfatherasyoudoyourmother,andtomyself.”
There’sasoftknock,followedbytheslidingdooropening.Serversenterwithhandcraftedwoodenboards,artfullyarrayed
withpiecesofsushi,placingoneinfrontofeachofus.Overthecourseoflunch,mygrandmotherandfatherdiscussmatters
ofwhichIhavenointerest,andsoIdowhatIalwaysdointhesesituations:Ithinkofsomethingelseentirely.

Nathanielmusthaveleftbecausehefeltuncomfortable.I’dpracticallydraggedhimtomyhouseinthemiddleofthenight.
Maybehethinkstheriskinstayingatmyhouseistoogreat,or—asI’dthoughtthenightbefore—maybehe’dratherstayaloneinhisapartment,wherehe’llhaveittohimselfwithouttheothermembersaround.

ThenI’mstruckwithahorrifyingthought.WhatifhethinksIstillhavefeelingsforhim?He’daskedmeifIdidatthekaraokeroom.Andthereasonheleftthismorningwithouttellingwastosparemyfeelings.
“You’renotseeingthatboyagain,areyou?”myfatherasksme.“Fromthatidolgroup.”
Ialmostdropmyteacup.“O-ofcoursenot,”Isay,gladforthesteadinessofmyhands.Whatpromptedhimtoasksuchaquestion?
“Good.Becausethere’ssomeoneI’dlikeforyoutomeet,thenephewofoneofmysupporters.Hisuncleissomeoneveryimportant
tomycampaign.”

Imustmakeafacebecausemyfathersays,“Iwouldn’thaveaskedexceptthatthisyoungmanespeciallyrequestedtomeet
you.”

Ifrown.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Youmadeanimpressiononhim,fromyourrecentappearanceonashow.”
I’mconfuseduntilIrealizehemustmeanTheWooriandWoogiShowsinceCatchMeIfYouCanwon’tairuntilWednesday.

“Won’tyouconsidermeetinghim?Itwouldpleaseme.”
Isigh.What’sonemoredate?
“I’llhaveSecretaryLeesendoverhisinformation,”myfathersays.
IarriveatJoahjustasHyemiisfinishingupherfirstpracticewithhergroupmembers.UnlikeXOXO,ASAPisasix-member
group,withHyemijoiningastheyoungestmember.Theyexitthepracticeroom,fromyoungesttooldest,bowingtothedance
instructorwhogivesthemeachwordsofencouragement.Hyemiappearsexhausted,hershouldersslumped,butspottingme,her
eyesbrighten.“Seonbae!”

“Hyemi-yah,”Isay,takingherasidetolettheothergirlspass,“I’llmeetyouinthepracticeroominfifteenminutes.IneedtospeakwithSunYe-eonnifirst.”
Shenods,thenhurriesofftowardthebathroomwiththeothers.
Thelastmember—andleader—ofASAPwaitsforme,leaningagainstthedoorframewithherarmscrossed.“Youcalled?”
Igrin.“KimSunYe.”AlthoughwenevergrewcloseenoughtohangoutoutsideofJoah,we’vebeenfriendlyovertheyears.
Besidesme,SunYeisthetraineewho’sbeenatJoahthelongest.Shehadchancestoleave—mostsignificantlyanofferfrom
KSEntertainment,Joah’sbiggestrival—lastfall.They’dofferedherthe“center”positionintheirnewestgirlgroup,but
sheturneditdown,thoughIneverlearnedwhy.“CanIspeakwithyouforamoment?”

SunYenodsandwemovetoaquietcornerofthehall.
“Howisshedoing?”Iask.
SunYedoesn’thavetoaskwhoImean.“Betterthanexpected,”SunYesaysinhercalm,measuredvoice.SunYewastheright
choiceforleader,notjustbecauseofherage—attwenty,she’stheoldestmember—butalsobecauseshe’slevel-headed.While
mymotherhadofferedmetheposition,SunYewasalwaysmoresuitedfortherole.“She’saquicklearner.I’msurprisedshe’s
neverhadanytraining.”

“Andtheothergirls.Aretheytreatingherwell?”
“Theywouldn’tdreamofupsettingher,”SunYesayswithateasingsmile,“notwithMinSoriwatchingoverher.”
Irollmyeyes.“Youcantellmethetruth.”
Shepauses,thoughtful.“Justthenormalstuff.Sixgirlstogetherforlongstretchesoftimeinahigh-pressureenvironment?Lotsofbickering.Somehairpulling.Justkidding.”Shelaughs.
Hyemimustnothavetoldtheothermembersabouthowherfather’sinvolved.Though,nowthatIthinkaboutit,sheprobably
doesn’tknowtheextentofit.WhichmeansI’llhavetomakesuretokeepitasecretfromnotonlythemembers—whomight
growtoresenther—butalsoHyemiherself,whomightfeelself-consciousthatshedidn’tearnherplaceinthegroup.

“She’sanamazingrappertoo,”SunYesays.“ItmakessensewhyJoahsignedheronlastminute.Ourdiamondintherough.”
That’sarelieftohear.“Thanks.Ifeelreassuredthatyou’relookingoutforher.”
“Iknow.It’salotofpressure.Ipracticallyacquiredfiveyoungersistersovernight.”
SunYespeaksasifshe’slong-suffering,butthere’satwinkleinhereye.“I’mhappyforyou,”Isay.Thisisabigmoment
forSunYe.Aftertenyearsasatrainee,she’sfinallydebuting.

“Thanks,Sori.”Herexpressionsoftens.
IchangeintoworkoutclothesandjoinHyemiwhereshe’sstretchingonthefloorofthepracticeroom.
“SunYetoldmepracticewentwell,”Isay,extendingmylegsoutandreachingformytoes.
“SunYe-eonniiskind,”Hyemisays.Likebefore,Inoticehowtiredshelooks.Notjustphysically.IfIrememberherschedule
correctly,shewasupatfivethismorningforpractice,afterhavingreturnedlatefromthevarietyshowrecordingthenight
before.

“Iknowwe’resupposedtogooverthechoreography,butwecantakeabreak.”
Hyemishakesherhead.“Idon’tmindworkinghardforthenexttwoweeks,andthensleepingafterward.”
Evenifshehasn’tbeenatraineeforverylong,shedefinitelysoundslikeone.
LaterI’llhavetotellherthatit’sbettertopaceherself,andthatthingswillonlybecomemoredifficultaftershe’sdebuted,butfornow,I’llletherholdontothatbeliefalittlelonger.

“Okay,”Isay,risingtomyfeetandmovingtowardthesideoftheroomtoturnonthemusic.“Walkmethroughthesteps.”
Thedanceisdifficult,butluckilyHyemi’spositionedmostlyinthebackortothesideduringthemajorityofit,onlycomingtothe
frontwhenshehasherlines.She’shadsomeformaltraining,havinggonetoadancestudioinTorontoallthroughoutelementaryandmiddleschool.AsIgothroughthe
stepswithher,Iofferhertipsandcorrections.

Hourslater,we’vegonethroughthechoreographysomanytimesthatI’vememorizeditmyself.Herdancingstillneedsalot
morefinessing,andshe’llhavetoputthetimeintopracticingsothatshecanperformitflawlesslyonalivestage,but
she’simprovedconsiderablyfromwhenwebegan.

“I’mnervousabouthowI’llappearontheepisode,”shesaysaswe’repackinguptoleavethestudio.
“TheepisodeofCatchMeIfYouCan?”Iask.

Shenods.“IfeellikeIwasn’tcompletelymyself.Ididn’twanttobeembarrassed,soItriedtobeonmybestbehavior,
butIthinkImighthavecomeacrossstiff.”

Iconsiderherwords.“Youdon’thavetoshowyourwholeselftopeople.Infact,youshouldkeepapartofyourselfjustforyou.”

“Isthatwhatyoudo,Seonbae?Yourimageisveryglamorous,butyou’realsoglamorousinperson.”
“I’mreallynot.”
“Butyouare,”sheinsists.
“Icanbeself-consciousandmean-spirited.Andannoyedandtickedoff.”IthinkofNathanielleavingthismorningwithout
tellingme.“AndmaybeonedayI’llbecomfortableshowingthosesidesofmetostrangers,butrightnowIwanttokeepthat
hiddenandonlyshowtheglamorousside.”

“Ihopetoseeallthesidesofyouoneday,Seonbae,”shesayswithagrin,andIlaugh.
It’sfouro’clockwhenIstepoffthebusinmyneighborhood,thesunsettingoverthemountainstothewest.Foramoment
Ijuststandthere,breathinginthecoolnightair.

Thestreetisquiet,theoccasionalcarlumberingby.Anelderlycouplewalkstheirdogsaroundtheblock.
Insteadofgoingstraightupthehilltowardmyhouse,Iheadovertotheconveniencestoreatthecorner.AsIapproach,
thedooropensandaboystepsout.

Nathaniel.Seventeen
IwaitforNathanielatoneoftheplastictablesinfrontoftheconveniencestore.Ashortfewsecondslater,thedoorjingles
andNathanielreemergeswithadrinkineachhand.Heplacesaglassbottleofgrapejuiceinfrontofmebeforetakingthe
seatopposite.Withhislongfingershecarefullyuncurlsthetinsealfromhisdrink.

He’sdressedinasweatshirtandjoggers,hissofthaircurlingaroundhisears.Hisphonelightsuponthetablewithamessage
fromYoungmin,buthedoesn’treachforit.Whatishedoingbackhere,inmyneighborhood,atmylocalconveniencestore
ofallplaces?

Ithoughthe’dgivenmehisanswertomyofferwhenheleftthismorningwithoutaword,andnowthathe’shere,allthefeelings
fromthedaycomerushingback.Embarrassment,fromwhenIthoughthewasavoidingme,annoyancethathehadn’ttoldmehe
wasleaving,anddisappointmentthathewasgone.

“Whydidyouleavethismorning?”Iask.
Hiseyesflittomine,hiseyebrowraisedslightly.“Ihadameeting,soIwentbacktomyapartmenttochange.”
Ameeting?Ifrown.“Butwhydidn’tyousayanything?”
“Youwerestillsleeping.Ididn’twanttowakeyou.Sori,what’swrong?”
Ishakemyhead.“Nothing.Everything’sfine.Ijust—”Myhandscircletheglassbottle.“Ithoughtwe’dhavebreakfasttogether.”
ThewordssoundsosillyasIsaythemaloud.It’sjustbreakfastButIwaslookingforwardtosharingitwithhim.Icanatleastbehonestaboutthat.

Myhandstightenaroundthebottle.
Ican’tlookathim.HemustthinkI’msostarvedforcompanionshipthatI’dgetupsetoverasimplemeal.Alonelyrichgirlinherenormousmansion.

Nathanielleansforward,tuggingthebottlefrombetweenmyclenchedhands.Thenheslideshishandintomine,sothatI’m
clingingontohiminstead.I’mstruckbythefeelingofhishandinmine.DuringtherecordingforCatchMeIfYouCan,thereweremomentswhenweheldhands,butnotlikethis.HishandsaresmootherthanIrememberthem.Islidemypointer
fingerdownthelengthofhis,noticingthathe’strimmedhisfingernails.

“I’msorry,”hesays,afterabeat.“IshouldhavetoldyouthatIwasleaving.Iwasgoingtotextyou,butthenIgotdistracted.
Nexttime,I’llmakesuretotellyouifIhavetogosomewhere.”

Nexttime.Ilookup.

Nathanieldrawsinabreath.“ThemeetingIhadthismorningwasatKSEntertainment,”hesays,“foracollaborationI’mdoing
withoneoftheirartists.That’salsowhyIdidn’twanttogobacktotheStatesduringXOXO’shiatus,thoughmyparents
askedmeto.”

Helaughsshakily,andIrealizehe’s…nervous.Acollaborationisabigdeal,andnewforhim,asupuntilnow,hehasn’t
pursuedanysoloprojectsoutsideXOXO.“There’snothinginmycontractthatsaysIcan’tworkwithnon-Joahartistsasa
producer,whichiswhatI’llbedoing.

“Honestly…”—hereleasesmyhandtorubthebackofhisneck—“I’vebeenabitworriedabouthowtogettoandfromKSandmyapartmentwithoutstartingrumors,aswewanttokeepthecollabasecretuntiltherelease.WhileIwassittingouthere,noonegavemeasecondglance.Thisneighborhoodissoremote,andmostofthepeoplewholivehereseemlikeprivatepeople.Theywouldn’twanttabloidreportersaround.Evenifsomeonerecognizedme,Idon’tthinkthey’dpostmylocationoranything.”
Hebiteshislip,andIfollowthemovement.It’ssorarethatIseehimlackingconfidencethatmychesttightens.He’strusting
mewiththisnewprojectthathe’sunsureofbutthathecaresabout.Iwanttotreasurehistrust,provethatI’mworthy
ofsomethingsoprecious.

Ireachoutmyhand,thistimecoveringhis.“I’lllookforwardtoit,”Isay,withallthesincerityIpossess.
Nathanielstaresatmyhand,lyingatophis.“Youaskedmelastnight,andyoumighthavechangedyourmind,but…”
Heliftshisgaze.“CanIstaywithyou,Sori?Untilmyhiatusisover.”
There’snoreasonforhimtoaskmethis,asIalreadyinvitedhimover,butIrealizewhyheisanyway.
He’sgivingmeachancetobackout.
AndmaybeIshould.I’vefeltsoemotionalsincewe’vestartedtalkingagain,it’llonlygetworse,especiallylivingtogether.
Butitdoesn’tmatter,because…

Iwanthimtostay.

“Yes.”
Nathaniel’ssmileturnsshy,andIinexplicablyblush,fidgetinginthechair.
“Shouldwe…goup?”heasks.
Inod.
Heletsgoofmyhandtograbouremptybottles,headingintotheconveniencestoretorecyclethem.Whenhecomesbackoutside,
hetakesmybackpack,throwingitacrosshisshoulder.

Aswewalkupthehilltomyhouse,Isneakglancesathimoutofthecornerofmyeye.
IfeelsillynowthatIknowheleftbecauseofameeting,andnotbecausehethinksIstillhavefeelingsforhim.Hewouldn’t
thinkthatbecauseI’dtoldhimIdidn’tatthekaraokeroom.Idon’tknowifit’saproductofhavinggrownupwithfour
oldersisters,buthe’salwaysbeenanexcellentlistener.

Sameastheeveningbefore—or,Iguess,earlierthismorning—Nathanielfollowsmeupthelitpathwaytomyfrontdoor.The
porchlightflickersonatourapproach.“Weshouldprobablysetsomegroundrulesfirst,”Isay,stoppingbeneaththelight.

Henods.“Okay.”
“Let’stryourbesttobediscreet.Ifwe’reeverinthesameplace,weshouldmakesurenottoleavetogether.”
“Makessense.”
“Mymothercan’tknowyou’restayingwithme.Tolimitthechancesofitgettingbacktoher,weshouldtrytokeepitfrom
asmanypeopleaspossible.Nadineknowsalready.”

“WhataboutJaewooandJenny?”
Ibitemylip.Idon’tliketheideaofkeepingsomethingfromJenny,orthatIhavetoaskNathanieltokeepasecretfromJaewoo,hisbestfriend.
“Youknowwhat?”Nathanielshakeshishead.“Nevermind.Ifwetellthem,we’llhavetotellGiTaek,Sun,andtheothers.
It’sbetterifwekeepittoourselves.”

Inod,gratefulthathe’stakingthisasseriouslyasIam.“Ifatanytimeeitherofuschangesourmind,thenwe’llend
thisarrangement,noquestionsasked.Andyou’llneedtowearashirtatalltimes.”

“What?”Hefrowns.“Whyisthatarule?”
“Whatifweneedtowakeupinthemiddleofthenight?”Iask,reasonably.“Like,whatifthere’safire?”
“I’llputashirton.”
“Butthat’lltaketime.”
“Idon’tknow.”Nathanielsoundsskeptical.“Thisruleseemsexcessive.”
“You’renotallowedtocomeintomyroomeither.”
Nathanielarchesabrow.“Whynot?”
Igasp,scandalized.“Whatdoyoumean‘whynot’?”
Heshrugs.“I’mjustcuriouswhyIcan’tcomeintoyourroom.Youcancomeintomine.”
“Yourroomisaguestbedroom,soitdoesn’thaveanypersonaleffects.Whilemineisfilledwithmystuff.”
“I’mnotgoingtostealoneofyourstuffedanimals,”Nathanieldrawls,“ifthat’swhatyou’reafraidof.Notlikeyoustole
BearemyBaggins.”

“Ididn’tstealBearemyandthat’snotwhatI’mafraidof.”

Nathanielgoesverystill,andIrealizemymistake.“Thenwhatareyouafraidof?”Myheartraces.“Sori,whataretheserulesfor?”
“They’rejust…rules…”
Myeyesdarttohisandmybreathcatchesatthelookinhiseyes.“Youshouldbewaryaboutsettingruleswithme,”hesays,
hisvoicelikesilk.“YouknowIlivetobreakthem.”

Neitherofusmoves,andyetsomehow,he’scloser.
Icancounteveryoneofhislongandimpossiblythickeyelashes.
Slowlyheliftshishand,hisfingerslightlyskimmingoverthearcofmycheekbones,thentrailingdownthesideofmyface
toslidebehindmyneck.

Ishiver,mylipsparting.
“MinSori?”ThefrontdoorswingsopenandNathaniel’shanddrops.“Whatareyoudoing?”
Eighteen
Ajummastandsinthedoorway,holdingaspatula.“Whyareyoujuststandingthere?Comeinside!”Shepressesthedoorback,
gesturingforustoenter.

“Ajumma.”Itakeadeepbreath.“Thisis—”
“NathanielLee!IamanXOXOfan,butyouaremyfavorite.”

Igapeather.
“Youlooklikemyfirstlove.Ormaybeit’sthatyoulooklikesomeonewhoImighthavelovedwhenIwasyoung.Whatdoyou
think,Sori-yah?Doesn’thelooklikesomeone’sfirstlove?”

Myheart’salreadyracingwithwhatalmosthappenedoutside.“Firstlovesarecalledthatforareason,”Isay,needingtodistancemyselffromthatmoment.“Because
therearesecond,third,andfourthlovesafter.”

IpeekatNathanieltofindhimwatchingme.“Youcanfallinloveagain,”hesaystoAjumma,thoughhisgazeneverleaves
me.“Letmebeyoursecond,third,andfourthlove.”Ifeelmyhearttumbleinmychest.

“Don’tbesilly.”Ajummawavesherhandintheair.“You’dbemyseventh.”
“Ajumma,”Isay,slippingoffmyshoesandgesturinghertotheside.
WhileNathanieltakesoffhissneakersinthefoyer,Iexplaintoherthathe’sonlystayingfortheweeksXOXOisonhiatus,
andthatitneedstobekeptasecretfrommymother.

“It’sbecauseshewouldn’tunderstand.”Thiswillbethehardestpart,gettingAjummatoagreetolietomymother,asshe’salwaysbeennothingbutloyaltoher.
“Ohyes,”Ajummasays,noddingherheadinavigorousmotion.“Yourmothercanbeunreasonableinthatway.Ithinkit’sbest
shedoesn’tknow.”Shecatchesmyeyeandgivesmeanexaggeratedwink.

Forthesecondtimetonight,Igapeather.“Ajumma,Idon’t—thatis,NathanielandI…”
“Yes,yes,ofcourse.”Shemotionsmeintothediningroom.“Youdon’thavetoexplainyourself.JustknowI’mcheeringyou
on.Fighting!”

“Ajumma!”Butshe’salreadyhurryingoutofthefoyer.
“Whatwasthatabout?”Nathanielasksfrombehindme,andIjump.
“N-nothing.Comeon,let’seat.”
Atthelongdiningtable,AjummasetsoutasecondplacesettingforNathanielnexttomine.Then,likeachefonaculinary
show,sheuncoverseachdishwithaflourish.

IfNathanielhadn’talreadywonoverAjummawithhisapparentlikenesstoherfirstlove,hehasbytheendofthemeal,when
heenthusiasticallydevourseverythingsetinfrontofhim,includingtwoservingsofrice.

Afterward,AjummashoosusfromthediningroomsothatNathanielcansettleinupstairs.
“Itmightstillbetooearlytoopenthepool,”Isay,aswemakeourwaytothesecondfloor,“butthere’sexerciseequipment
inthegymyoucanuse.Thecodeforthegateis450928*.

“Thelastfourdigitsareyourbirthday,”Nathanielsaysslowly,“butwhatarethefirsttwo?”
“Theyearwewonourindependence.”Whenhedoesn’trespond,Iglanceathimtoseehewearsanoddexpressiononhisface.
“What?”

“Youphraseditas‘ourindependence.’”
“Ofcourse,Idid.”Irollmyeyes.“You’reAmerican,butyou’realsoKorean.”Isaythisadamantly.
ThenexttimeIlookbackathim,there’sasmallsmileonhisface.
Istopoutsidehisdoor.“You’reallowedtogoanywhereinthehouse.Exceptformymother’sroom.Shehasn’tbeenbackto
thehouseinoveramonth,andIdon’tthinkshe’llcomebackanytimesoon.”Shewasalreadybusy,andthat’snotgoingto
stopinthecomingweeks.

Nathanielglancesdownthehall,thenreturnshisgazetome.Iwonderifwe’lltalkaboutwhathappenedoutsidethehouse,
beforeAjummainterruptedus.Foramoment,Ithoughthewasgoingtokissme.

Ipanicalittleatthethought.Ifthathappens,itwillputastoptoeverything.
“I’llseeyouinthemorning,”Nathanielsays,openinghisbedroomdoor.
Reliefsweepsthroughmeandmyheartfillswithwarmthathiswords.They’relikeapromise.
“Oh,andonelastthing.”Heturnsback.“Ifoundaslightflawwithoneofyourrules.”
Inarrowmyeyes,sensingthathe’sabouttosaysomethingoutrageous.
“Theruleaboutsleepingwithashirton.”Hesmirks.“HowwillyouknowifIbreakit?”
Clearlypleasedwithhimself,hestrollsintohisroom.
Thenextmorning,Iwakewithastart.Withyesterdayfreshinmymind,Ileapfromthebed.APikachufliesandhitsthe
doorasIslowdownintimetoquietlyopenit,peekingmyheadthrough.Acrossthehall,Nathaniel’sdoorisopenMystomachdropsonlytoseehishoodiefromthenightbeforehangingfromthebackofachair.He’sstillhere,just…awake.Washealwaysanearlyriser?

Iquicklybrushmyteethandwashmyface,thenchangefrompajamasintosweats,gatheringmyhairbehindmyheadandpinning
itwithaclaw.Irushdownthestairs,stoppingshortwhenIseeNathanielseatedatthediningroomtable.He’swearing
azip-uphoodieoverawhiteshirt,hishairtousledfromsleep.Hehasonelegdrawnuponthechair,hiselbowbalanced
onhiskneeashestareswithconcentrationatthescreenofhislaptop.Headphonescoverhisears,buthelooksupbriefly
atmyarrival,liftinghishandinawave,beforereturninghisattentiontothescreen.

IrememberinNewYorkhe’dsaidhewastakingaclass.Curious,Iwalkaroundthetable.He’ssittingtowarditscenter,
withhisbacktothekitchen.Myeyesfindthescreenonlytoseethatit’ssplitintodozensofscreens,thoughthespeaker
ishighlighted.Iquicklydarttotheside,almosttrippingovermyhouseslippers.

Nathaniellaughs,movinghisheadphonestohisneck.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Idon’twanttobeoncamera.”Ikeepmyvoicetoawhisper.
“It’soff,”hesays,amused,“andI’mmuted.”HereachesouttotugmysleeveuntilI’mstandingnexttohim.“That’smyprofessor,”hesays,pointingtothespotlightedbox,whichshowsamiddle-agedCaucasianwoman.“Andthesearemyclassmates.”Heclicksaniconandmoreboxesappear,thoughmosthavetheircamerasturnedoff,likeNathaniel’s.
“NathanielLee”isdisplayedatthebottommostcornerofhisbox.“Youuseyourrealname?”Iask.
“Whynot?ThereareprobablydozensofNathanielLees.”
Hetakesoffhisheadphonescompletely.Grabbinghisemptymugfromthetable,hepushesbackhischairandstands.
“Don’tyouneedtopayattention?”Iask,followinghimintothekitchen.
“She’sgoingoversomepointsfromthelastlecture.”Heplaceshismugonthecuptrayofthecoffeemachine.It’sanew
modelthatmymotherpurchasedbeforesheleft.“Howdidyousleeplastnight?”

Idon’twanttotellhimthatIwokeupafewtimesinthemiddleofthenight,anxiousthathe’dbegoneinthemorning.
“Isleptfine.”

Heraisesabrowatmyanswerbutdoesn’tquestionme.
“Ihopeit’sokaythatI’musingthis.”Henodstothemachine.
“Isaidyoucould,lastnight.Andnooneusesit.”Mymotherdid,onetime,butthenshe’dpurchasedanewermodelforher
office.

Heshiftsopenthedrawerofcolorfulpods.“Wanttopickaflavorforme?”
“Yes.”
Iselectapodandholditup.
“Pink,Ishouldhaveknown.”
Hepressesabuttononthemachine,flippingopenacover.Islotthepodinplace,thenclickthebuttontobeginthebrewing
process.

Nathanielleansbackagainstthecounter.“Ajummawashereearlier,butshewentoutsidetothegarden.Ithinkthat’swhat
shesaid.SheaskedmeifIwantedbreakfast,butIsaidI’dwaitforyou.”

“I’mglad.I…wantedtohavebreakfasttogether.”
Idon’tknowwhetherit’sbecauseI’minmyhouse,butI’mbeingmorehonestwithhimthannormal,andwithmyself.Mycheeks
flush.Ilookup,expectingtoseehisamusedexpression,buthe’slookingaway,hisowncheeksbrightwithcolor.

“We’llbothbebusyduringtheday,”hesays,“butlet’strytohavebreakfastanddinnertogether.”
“Okay.”
Hiscoffeefinishesbrewing,andwereturntothediningroom.
“Ihavetogetbacktothelecture…”
“Don’tworryaboutme,”Isayquickly.
Ashesettlesbackinhisseat,Iheadupstairstomybedroom,gatheringstationerysuppliesfromthedrawersinmydesk.
Returningdownstairs,Itaketheseatdirectlyacrossfromhim,layingoutmymaterials.Othersfindcomfortinmeditation
orexercise;Ifindcomfortinaestheticallypleasingstationery.IseehimsmileasIplacedownmyWeBareBearsstickynotepadsandmulticoloredgelpens,buthedoesn’tsayanything,hisfocusreturningtothelecture.

Iselectanotepadanduncapmypen,butmygazekeepsstrayingtoNathaniel.Thewayheconcentratesisvery…attractive.Hehasanotebookofhisown—averyplainblackone—andwithhisplainblackpen,he’stakingnotesinEnglish,incursive;hispenmanshipissurprisinglyneat.

Helooksup,aquestioninhisgaze.Iquicklyduckmyhead.
Itrytoconcentrateonmytask.SecretaryParksentoverHyemi’sschedule,whichIprintedoutthenightbefore.Itakenotesonthestickypadsand
affixthemtothepage,jottingdownideaswhereIcanstepintohelpHyemi.She’smovingintoadormwiththeotherASAP
memberstomorrow.It’llbeabigchangefromlivingalonewithjustherfathertosharingalivingspacewithfiveothergirls.
Besidesworkingonherchoreography,I’llwanttomakesureshe’scopingwell,mentallyandemotionally.

AhalfhourpassesasNathanielandIworkonourindividualtasks,andthoughwe’renotinteractingbesidestheoccasional
momentswhenoureyesmeet,it’soneofthebestmorningsIcanrememberhavinginalongtime.

Ajummareturnsfromthegarden,andwehavebreakfast,allthreeofus,withNathanielcoaxingAjummatositandenjoyaslice
oftoastwithblackberryjam.

Afterward,hewalksmetothebusstop,whichisjustpasttheconveniencestore.Slidingmydufflebagfromhisshoulder,
hehandsittome.KSissendingacartopickhimup.Hegaveanaddressofoneofmyneighborsaroundtheblock.TheKS
peopledon’tknowwhereheactuallylives,sotheywon’taskquestions,norwilltheycare,asthey’reusedtoprotecting
idols’privatelives.

“Iwon’thavemyphoneonme,”Nathanielsays.He’schangedoutofhissweatsintoablackshirt.“KSisstrictwithdevicesthatcantakevideo,andI’dratherjustleaveitbehindinsteadofhavingitconfiscated.ButI’llbebackatthehousetonight.”
“Okay,”Isay,asthebuspullsuptothestop.“Thanksforlettingmeknow.”
HewavesgoodbyeasIstepontothebus.Itapmycardtotheelectronicreaderbythedriver,thenhurrytoawindowseat
intimetowavetohimback.

TheASAPmembershavealreadybeenpracticingforfivehoursbythetimeIarrive,andthey’renotalone.
“Eomeoni,”Isay,surprisedtoseemymotherstandingagainstthewall.Thoughshe’stheCEOofJoah,sherarelyvisitsthe
practicerooms.MychesttightenswhenIseethedarkcirclesbeneathhereyes.It’sonlybeenafewdayssinceIsawher,
butthey’vegottenworse.I’dtoldNathanielhecouldstayfortherestofhishiatus,butifmymotherneedstorest,then
I’drathershecamehome.

“Sori-yah,isthatyou?”Awomaninherfortieswithwavyhairpokesherheadfrombehindmymother.Irecognizeherimmediately—Ryu
Jin-rang,oneofthemosttalentedcreativedirectorsinthebusiness.

ShewasthemindbehindXOXO,aswellasotherpopularboygroups,like95D.Ifshe’stakingonASAP,thenthiswillbeher
firstgirlgroup,andknowingherreputation,she’llbedeterminedtomakethemasbig,orevenbigger,thanherboygroups.

IbowtobothDirectorRyuandmymother.
“MinHee-yah,”DirectorRyusayscasually—shemightbeaformidablepresenceintheindustry,butshe’salsoaclosefriend
ofmymother’s—“wasyourdaughteralwaysthispretty?”

“Yousawmeonlyafewmonthsago,”Isay,“atmyfather’scharityeventatthegolfcourse,remember?”
“Ah,yes.”Shelooksatmymother,thenupattheceiling.Asmymother’sclosefriend,shealsohasstrongopinionsonmy
father.“Yourmothertoldmehowyou’retheonehelpingWooHyemi,”shesays.“Ifeelmoreconfidentknowingyou’relending
heryoursupport.”

Wereturnourattentiontothemembers,whoareworkingwiththechoreographertopreparefortheirmusicvideoshootover
theweekend.Withthesixofthem,theirscreentimeswillbevaried,withHyemihavingtheleastamountoftimeduetoher
havingtheleastlines—ninesecondstotalofthetwominutesandforty-eightsecondsong.Butevenwithlesslines,andplacement
atthebackoftheformation,she’sclearlymakingmoremistakesthantheothers.WhenHyemimessesupsosignificantlythat
theentiregrouphastostopthechoreography,twoofthemembersshootHyemifrustratedlooks.

“Whatdoyouthinkoftheconcept,Sori?”DirectorRyuasks,distractingme
ItearmygazeawayfromHyemitoconsiderherquestion.AccordingtothedocumentSecretaryParksentover,theconceptfor
ASAP’sdebutisyoungwomenbreakingintoworkplacestraditionallydominatedbymeninKoreansociety.Thetitletrack,“Wake
Up,”isanupbeatpopmelodywithromanticlyrics,butthat’sbesidethepoint.

“Ilikeitalot,”Isay.“It’sempoweringandsendsagoodmessage.”
DirectorRyunods.“Iwantedeachmembertostandoutasanindividual,somyteamandIaskedthegirlsabouttheirinterestssothatwecouldbuildeachoftheirstories,whetherthey’resportyorfun-lovingorhavea4Dpersonality.Wewanttobeasauthentictotheirnaturesaspossible.Whenyouenjoywhatyou’redoing,thejoyisexpressedinthemusicandtheperformances.WooHyemihasn’tyetexpressedwhataspectsofherpersonalityorinterestsshe’dliketofocuson,soifyoucouldhelpherwithdiscoveringthat,itwouldbehelpful.Rightnow,she’suniqueinthatshe’stheyoungest;themaknaeofagroupisalwaystreasuredbythefandom.”
“I’llspeakmorewithHyemi,”IsayandputitonmymentallistthatI’ddrawnupthatmorning.
“Hyemi’stalented,butshe’salsonewtothisworld.ThefourgirlsfromDreamMusichavebeenworkingtowardthisdreamfor
twoyears,andSunYeforevenlonger.It’snotjustthatHyemineedstolearnthechoreography,butdoesshehavethestamina
toendurethelonghoursofpractice?Doesshehavethementalfortitude?Ourstandardsareexactingbutnecessaryforareason.
Wewanttoensurethesegirlshavenotonlyasuccessfulcareerbutalsoahealthyone,alongone.Youhaveashorttime
todeterminewhethershe’sreadytowalkthatdifficultpath.”

Mymotherinterrupts.“Wehaveameetingwiththedirectorofthemusicvideo.Willyouexcuseus,Sori?”
Astheyleavetheroom,IrealizemymotherandIhaven’tyetscheduledourlunchtogether.She’llonlygetbusierandbusier,
soIneedtoscheduleitnow.IfollowmymotherandDirectorRyuoutoftheroom.They’renotimmediatelyoutsidethedoor,
soIheadtowardthehallway.

“MinHee-yah.”I’mstoppedbythesoundofDirectorRyu’svoice.“Youneedtorest.”
“Ican’tstopnow.”They’restandinginthehall,speakinglowsothattheirvoicesdon’tcarry.“Notwheneverything’sontheline.TheoverseasinvestorsareclosetosigningdealswithJoah.OnceCEOWoosignsthroughhisinvestment,Icanfinallybreathe—”
“Whydon’tyouaskAssemblymanMinforhissharesofthecompany?Heowesyouthat,forwhatyou’veenduredfromthatawfulfamily.AndforraisingSorisowell.You’vedoneawonderfuljobwithher.”

“It’simpossible,”mymothersays,mumblingwordsthatIdon’tcatch.
AstheleadinvestorinJoahwhenmymotherfirststartedthecompany,myfatherownsthemajorityofitsshares.Mymother
wouldhaveotherwisedivorcedmyfatheryearsago.Butintheeyesofthepublic,he’safamilymanwithalovingwifeand
daughter—adivorcewouldirrevocablydamagethatimage.Thosesharesaretheonlythingkeepingitfromfallingapart.

“Sori?Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Istartle.DirectorRyustandsinthedoorway,alone.
“Iwaslookingformymother.Iwantedtoaskher…”ThereasonwhyIwassearchingformymotherseemssosmallcompared
totheinnumerableimportantresponsibilitiestakinguphertime.“Tolunch.”

“Oh,I’msorry.Shealreadyleftforhermeeting.Idecidedtostaybackandspeakwiththechoreographer.Maybeyoucancall
her?”Itseemsareasonableenoughsuggestion,exceptthatmymotherandIdon’tcontacteachotherexceptthroughSecretary
Park.

“Isthecompanyreallyinthatmuchtrouble?”Iask,hatinghowsmallmyvoicesounds.
DirectorRyu’sexpressionturnsthoughtful.“DidyouknowI’veknownyourmotherforalmosttwentyyearsnow?EversinceshewasanidolandIwasaproductionassistant.Whenherdreamofbeinganidolendedprematurely,Joahbecamehernewdream.AndI’msoproudofherformakingitareality.She’sworkedsohard.
“YourmotherwastheinspirationforASAP’sdebutconcept.I’llnevertellherthat.She’dbehorrifiedifsheknew.Ayoungwomanbreaking
intoanindustrywheremost,ifnotall,ofthetopCEOsaremen?Sheinspiresalotofyoungwomen;sheinspiresme.”

“Andme,”Iwhisper.Evenifworkhascalledherawaymoreinthepastyears,andwehaven’tspentasmuchtimetogether,
I’vealwaysbeenproudmymotherisSeoMinHee.

“RegardlessofwhetherJoahisfacingdifficultiesatthemoment,it’snotsomethingyouneedtoconcernyourselfwith.You’re
young.Lettheadultsdoalltheworrying.”

DirectorRyudoesn’tknowmewellenoughtoknowIcan’thelpworrying.

“I’lladmit,whenIgotthelistofASAPmembers,IwassurprisedwhenIsawyournamewasn’tonit.Thatis,untilyourmother
toldmeaboutyourdecision.I’mproudofyou,Sori.Noteverypersonwho’schosenacareerpathcanmakeittotheend,but
it’sjustasdifficulttochangeyourpathonceyou’vedecidedit’snotforyouanymore.”

InodatDirectorRyu’swords,butI’mnotreallylistening.SomuchisdependingonHyemi’ssuccessfuldebutandherfather’s
resultinginvestment.Ican’tfulfillmymother’sdreamofbeinganidol,theoneshegaveupforme,butIcanprotecther
dreamofJoah.

Whenwereturntotheroom,themembershavesplituptocontinuewiththeirone-on-onetraining,afewleavingtoworkwiththevocalcoach,whileothersstaybehindtopracticeinfrontofthemirror.ImakeHyemirunthroughtheentiretyofthechoreography.ThenIaskhertodoitagain.Andagain.Ichangeintosweatsanddancetheothermembers’parts,sothatsheknowswhere’sshe’ssupposedtobepositionedatalltimes.
Wecontinuepracticinglongaftertheothershaveleft.Andit’snotuntilthemaintenanceworkersshutoffthestudiolights
thatIrealizeI’vekeptherlongerthanIshouldhave.

“I’msorry,Hyemi-yah.I’vepushedyouhardtoday,haven’tI?”
“No,Seonbae.”Sheshakesherhead,herbrowglisteningwithsweat.“I’msogratefulforyou.Iwanttoworkhard.Afterall,
thisismydream.”

I’mfeelingtheheavinessandexhaustionofthedayonthelongbusridehome.Itdoesn’tdiminish,notuntilIspotNathaniel
waitingformeatthesametableoutsidetheconveniencestore.Ijoinhim,andtogether,wewalkupthehilltowardhome.
Nineteen
I’mstillthinkingaboutmymomandHyemithenextdayasIheadovertothegymforamorningworkout.I’llmakegoodon
mypromisetoensureHyemiisreadyintimetodebut,buttheremustbemorethatIcando.Icouldintercedewithmyfather
abouttheshares.Idon’tknowwhyIhadn’tthoughtofitbefore.Hewon’trelinquishthemfreely,butmaybe,likewithmy
mother,Icouldstrikeadealwithhim.

Ichangeintoworkoutclothes,zippingupahoodieovermysportsbraandleggings,andheadovertothegymatthebackof
thehouse.AjummaisalreadytherewhenIarrive,seatedonthestationarybikewhilewatchingaweekenddrama.

Thatremindsme.ThefirsttwoepisodesofSun’sdramapremieredovertheweekend.Istillneedtowatchthem.Thedramadebuted
withhighratings,withnetizenspraisingthedrama’swritingandSun’sacting.

Arrangingmyyogamatinfrontofthewall-lengthmirror,Igothroughmyusualroutineofstretches,liftingmyarmsabove
myheadandextendingmylegs.ThedoortothegymopensandNathanielenters,dressedinjoggersandaloose,sleeveless
muscleshirt.Hetakesuppositionwherethefreeweightsarelocated,which,whenIlookatthemirror,areinmydirect
lineofsight.

Itrynottostare,butit’simpossible.Hisbodyisaworkofart;hehasbroad,straightshouldersandleanmuscles.WhileIgothroughmyfloorexercises—sit-ups,planks,andlunges—hejumpsrope,liftsweights,andhaulshimselfupoffthefloorinpull-ups.I’mflushedandsweatybythetimeI’mfinishedwithmyfloorworkout.Grabbingatowelandmywaterbottle,Iheadovertothetreadmill,gratefulthatitfacesthewindowandnotthemirror.
Puttinginmyearbuds,IpositionmyphoneonthestandtowatchthefirstepisodeofSun’sdrama.Theadaptationsticksclose
totheoriginalwebnovel,whichispraisedforitszaninessandromance,andI’msoengrossedthattheforty-fiveminutes
fliesby.

AsI’mcoolingdown,Itakeoutmyearbudsandplacethemintotheircase.
“WereyouwatchingSun’sdrama?”Nathaniel’svoicecomesfromsoclosethatIstartleandmissmyfootingonthebelt.
Hecatchesme,onehandcirclingmywrist,theotherslidingbeneathmyback.
HereachesouttopresstheStopbutton,andthetrackstillsbeneathme.
Theroomcontinuestospin,andIblinkrapidlytoregainmyequilibrium.
Hisarmissteadybeneathme,secure.“Areyouokay?”heasks.He’scloseenoughthatIcanseethesweattricklingdownthe
sideofhisface.Ivaguelyrecallthathe’dbeenonthesecondtreadmill,besideAjumma’sstationarybike,thoughshe’sno
longerthere.

“Yes,”Isay,breathless.
I’mexceedinglyawareofhowlittleclothingI’mwearing,havingtakenoffmyzipperhoodietorunonthetreadmill.Theroughtextureofhisliftingglovesraisesgoosebumpsonmyskin.I’mbreathingheavily,chestmovingupanddown,andIdon’tknowwhetherit’sbecauseofrunningonthetreadmillorhiscloseproximity,probablyboth.Hiseyesdrop,onlytoslowlylifttomineoncemore.Hishandstighteninfinitesimally,hiseyessomehowdarkerthanbefore.
He’sgoingtokissme.Thisisbad.Imean,Iwanthimtokissme.Butheshouldn’t.We’refriends.Wecan’tbemorethanthat.NotjustbecauseofthepromiseImadetomymother,butforreasonshewouldn’tunderstand.

Ifwekiss,Ican’t,ingoodconscience,lethimstay.He’llhavetoleave.Ifeelalittledesperateatthethought.It’s
toosoon.Ihaven’tbeenashappyinmonthsasIhavewithhiminthepastfewdays.

“Wow,Sori,”Nathanielsays,andthoughhe’stryingforlevity,hisvoiceisalittleunsteady.“Ididn’tknowyouwerefalling
forme.”

Ismile,myheartburstingwith…something.Gratitude?“Youcan’thelpyourself,canyou?”
Heplacesmeonmyfeet.Grabbingmywaterbottle,heuncapsitandhandsittome.
Itakealongdrink,lettingthecoolwaterflushthroughmyheatedsystem.Thisisfine.Thiswillwork.Aslongaswebothlightenthemood,aslongaswedon’tcrossthelineintomore,thenthere’snoreasontoendourarrangementanytimesoon.

Afterbreakfast,Nathanielwalksmetothebusstop.He’sonhiswaytoKS,whileIhaveplanstomeetSecretaryParkatHyemi’sapartment,asshe’smovingintothedormtoday.Theothermembersmovedinlastweek,butHyemiwasstillwaitingfortherestofherluggagetoarrivefromCanada.
“OurepisodeofCatchMeIfYouCanairstonight,”Nathanielsays.Behindhim,thebusrumblestowardthestop.

Thoughwefilmedtheepisodeafewdaysago,itfeelslikealifetimehaspassed—somuchhashappenedsincethen.
“Shouldwewatchittogetherlatertonight?”Iask.Awarmfeelingstirsinmychest.Ineverwaseagertocomehomebefore.
Nathanielnods.“ShouldIinviteNadine?”
“Yes,I’dlovethat.”Astheonlypersonwhoknowshe’sstayingatmyhouse,she’stheperfectguesttoinvite.“I’llpick
uppizzaonthewayhome,”Itellhim,asIstepontothebus.

OntheridetoHyemi’sapartmentcomplex,IscrollthroughrestaurantsonNaver,starringafewofmyfavorites.WhenIarrive,
SecretaryParkisalreadythere,helpingHyemiwithherluggage.

“Areyouexcitedtomoveintoyourdorms?”IaskHyemioncewe’vefinishedloadingherthreesuitcasesintothetrunkofthe
van.ThedormislocatednearJoah’snewbuilding,aboutathirty-minutedriveinSeoultraffic.

WhenHyemidoesn’timmediatelyanswer,Ilookovertoseethatherfaceisturnedtowardthewindow.
“IhopeIgetalongwitheveryone,”shesaysquietly.
Myheartsoftens.Shemustbenervous.Thisisherfirsttimelivingawayfromherparents.
“Eventhoughwe’removingyouintothedorms,”Ireassureher,“you’llstillstayatyourapartmenttonight.”ThiswasaspecialrequestfromHyemi’sfather,whowantedtospendtimewithhisyoungestbeforeshewascompletelyimmersedinherhecticdebutschedule.
Shenods,thoughhergazeremainsoutthewindow.
Wearriveattheapartmentbuilding,eachofusrollingoneofHyemi’ssuitcasesintotheelevator,andpressthebuttonfor
thefifthfloor.Asweapproachthedoortotheapartment,thesoundsofshoutingcomefromwithin.SecretaryParkandIexchange
glances.Shekeysinthecode,openingthedoorto…

Chaos.
It’sasiftheclothingandaccessoriesfloorsofadepartmentstoreexplodedovertheroom,withhaphazardpilesofclothing
coveringmostpiecesoffurniture,plusmultiplestandingrackspackedwithjackets,dresses,skirts,andhoodies.Notto
mentionthemassiveamountsofshoescrammedintoshoeorganizersattheentrance.Thiscouldhavebeenmylivingsituation.Ishudderatthethought.

TheASAPmembersallstandandbowasweenter,butonceSecretaryParkacknowledgesthem,theyresumetheirindividualactivities.
Theshoutingisfromthegirlsplayingavideogameonalargetelevisionset.Onemember,dressedinabathrobewithbunny
ears,isplayingsomesortoftennisgamewithanothermemberwho’sinoversizedpajamas,bothofthemswingingtheirarms
recklesslythroughtheair.Theyalmoststeponanothermemberwho’spaintinghertoenailsattheirfeet.Herscreamstartles
SecretaryPark.Thesecondyoungestmember—Jiyoo—issittingcocoonedonthecouchbetweentwoclothingpiles,crochetingwhat
lookslikeacarrotwithaface.

It’snotdirty,justverycluttered.ButmaybeIshouldn’tspeaktoosoon.Ihaven’tseenthebathroom.
SunYewalksoutoftheleftmostroom,andHyemiyelps.AnLEDmaskcoversherentireface,givinghertheappearanceofa
pinkIronMan.

“Oh,Hyemi-yah,you’rehere,”shesays.Shedoesn’ttakeoffthemask.“Thebiggestroomisatriple,”shesays,pointing
totheroomacrossfromthekitchen.“Butyou’reinthedoublewithJiyoo.Come,I’llshowyou.”Sheheadstotheroomnext
tohersandacrossfromthebathroom.

“I’mgoing…to…”SecretaryParkedgestowardthekitchen.Isthatsweatonherbrow?“Do…thedishes.”
HyemiandImanagetofollowSunYearoundthefirehazardsandintotheroom
“I’msorryallofmystuffiseverywhere,”Jiyoosays,havingfollowedusinside.ShestartstomoveherclothingoffHyemi’s
bed,throwingthemontoherunmadeone.“Ifthere’sanythingyouneedtomove,feelfreetotossithere.”

Theroomissmall,butratherspaciousfortwopeople.Inbetweenthebedsaretwodesks,side-by-side,facingawindowthat
allowsinnaturallight.HyemiandJiyooarestillinschool,whichisprobablywhythey’vebeenaccordedabitmorespace.

“Ifyoueverneedsomepeaceorquiet,pleasecomeintomyroom,”SunYesays.Shehastheonlysingle.
OnceSunYeleavestofinishupherskincareroutine,HyemiandIstarttounpackherbelongings.
“Doyouneedhelp?”Jiyooasks,hoveringoverus.
“Thankyou,Jiyoo-yah,”Isay,handingherHyemi’stoiletrybag.“Canyouputthisinthebathroom?”
Jiyoo,lookinglikeI’vegivenheralivegrenade,nodsbravely,headingofftothebathroominsearchofanavailablespace.
IfiguredHyemimightbetooshytoasktheoldermemberstomovetheirstuffaround,butJiyoo,who’sbeenthemaknaeof
thefourgirlsfromDreamforawhilenow,willfeelmorecomfortablemakingroomforHyemi.

Wemanagetounpacktwoofhersuitcasesinalittleoveranhour,shovingherthird—filledwithherfallandwinterclothes—beneath
herbed,aswellasorganizinghersideoftheroom.

“You’relucky,Hyemi-yah,”Jiyoosays.“MyfamilyisinGyeongju,soIhadtomoveinbymyself.Youmustbehappytohave
Sori-seonbaehelpingyou.”IstudyJiyoo’sface,butshedoesn’tappearjealoussomuchaswistful.

“I’mverygrateful,”Hyemisayssoftly.
Inthetimewe’vebeenunpacking,SecretaryParkhascleanedthekitchenandcookedamealofspicycoldnoodleswithkimchi.
Unearthingalowwoodentable,shelaysoutthemealwiththehelpoftheothermemberswho’veputawaytheirvideogameand
evenfoldedsomeofthelaundryandvacuumed.Wegatherinthelivingroom,enjoyingourmealwhileseatedontheflooraround
thetable.Thememberschatterawayaboutthemusicvideoshoot,abouttheircostumes,andwhatjobseachmemberwaschosen
toportray.InoticeHyemidoesn’tinteractasmuchwiththeothers,pickingatherbowlofnoodles.

She’dbeensoexcitedtojoinASAPthatIwonderifsomethinghappened.SunYehadassuredmethatnoneofthegirlsweregivingherahardtime,butmaybe,astheoldest,shemissedsomeofthedynamicsbetweentheyoungermembers.
Ibroachthesubjectoncewe’reinthevanheadedbacktoherfather’sapartment.“Hyemi,issomethingthematter?Inoticed
youwerequietwiththeothergirls.”

Atfirst,Idon’tthinkshe’llrespond,hershouldershunchedforward,butthenshesaysinaquietvoice,“Idon’tknowwhy
Ifeelthisway.Everyoneissonice.It’sjustthat…they’vebeentogetherforsomuchlonger.Theyhaveinsidejokes,
andthey’recomfortablewithoneanother,teasingandlaughing.IfeellikeI’manintruder,likeIdon’tbelong,likeI’m
toolate.”

Herwordsstrikeachordwithme.That’showIfelt,backinhighschool,likeeveryonehadalreadyformedtheirgroupoffriends,andiftherewaseverachancetojoin
one,I’dmissedit.

“I’vefeltthesameway,”Itellher.“Formostofmiddleschoolandhighschool,Ididn’thaveanyfriends.Iusedtoblameitonmyclassmates.Idon’tthinkIwaswrongtobelievethatsomeofthemwereonlyfriendswithmebecauseofwhomyparentswere.Butafterawhile,Ipushedeveryoneaway,evenpeoplewhocouldhave
beengenuinefriends.Igainedareputationassomeonestuckup,whothoughtshewasbetterthaneveryoneelse.”Foralong
time,Ithoughtthatwasfinebecauseitprotectedmefromdisappointmentandhurt,butallitdidwasemphasizehowalone
Iwas.

“Itwasn’tuntilIgotanewroommatethatmyhighschoollifechanged.Eventuallywebecamebestfriends,butwestartedoffasenemies.SheaccidentallyreadoneofmyprivatelettersandImistakenlybelievedshe’ddoneitonpurpose.”
Hyemiappropriatelygasps.TheletterhadbeenapostcardthatNathanielhadsentmewhenweweredating.He’dendeditwith,
Chinup,Songbird.Youwillalwayshavemyheart.XOXO.He’dmailedittomewhenhewasinLosAngeles,afterI’dcalledhimintearsoveranincidentthathappenedatschool—one
ofmyclassmateshadfilledmylockerwithsoapbubbles.

“ButthenJennykeptreachingouttomeinbothsubtleandsometimesover-the-topways.Ifitwasn’tforhertrying,againandagain,wemightnothavebecomefriends.Now,Icouldn’timaginemylifewithouther.”

ThebackofmyeyesheatalittlewiththerealizationthatJennynevergivinguponmeisthereasonwe’refriends,andthe
reasonI’mfriendswithAngelaandGiTaektoo.

ThisconversationwithHyemiisareminderthatIneedtoreachouttoJenny,justasshereachedouttomecountlesstimes
before.

“Trynottoputupyourwallstoohigh.”IgivetheadviceIwouldgivemyselffromtwoyearsago.“Thinkingthatotherswon’t
acceptyou.Youhavetogivethemchances,multiplesones,andkeeptryingyourself.Otherwiseyoumightmissoutonforming
truefriendships.”

Hyeminods.“Iwill,Seonbae.And…thankyou.Forsharingwithme.It’scomfortingtoknowthatevenifI’mnotasclose
totheothermembersnow,there’sachancethatIwillbeinthefuture.”

AswedrawneartoHyemi’sneighborhood,hercellphonepings.Sheglancesdowntoreadhermessage,hermouthformingafrown.“Myfathercan’tmakeittonight,”shesays.Disappointmentcolorshervoice.
“Shouldweturnbacktothedorm?”Iask.“Or…”Asuddenthoughtpopsintomymind.
“Doyouwanttocometomyhouse?IwasplanningtowatchtheepisodeofCatchMeIfYouCanwithsomefriends.”

Hyemi’swholefacelightsup.“Seonbae,Iwouldlovethat!”Twenty
AsSecretaryParkturnsthecararound,IpulloutmyphoneandtextNathaniel.I’mbringingHyemibacktothehousetowatchtheepisodewithus.
Hisresponseisimmediate.Nice.I’massumingHyemi’sstayingthenight.ShouldIcleanouttheguestbedroom?
Ihadn’tthoughtofthat,andIimmediatelyfeelguilty.I’dinvitedhimtostay,onlytokickhimout.
Don’tworryaboutit,Nathanieltexts,readingmymind.Jaewoo’sinSeoul,stayingattheapartment,soI’llgohangoutwithhim.Seriously,it’snotabigdeal.
Imakeasplit-seconddecision.Invitehimover.Ifheasks,tellhimIwantedtohaveaviewingpartyforeveryoneontheepisodewho’sinSeoul.Suniscurrentlyinthecountryside,filminghisdrama,andYoungminisonafieldtrip.Andyoudon’thavetocleanouttheguestbedroom.Hyemiwillstaywithmeinmyroom.
So…Hesendsinasinglemessageblock.

Thenanotherappearsbelowit.Hyemigetstoseeyourroom,andIdon’t?
Ilaughoutloud.BothSecretaryParkandHyemiglanceatme.
“It’sjust…”Igestureatmyphone,embarrassed.“Something…myfriendsaid.”
Hyemieyesmeknowingly.
“SecretaryPark,”Icalluptothefrontseat.“Doyoumindstoppingoveratapizzarestaurantonthewayhome?”
Nadine’ssteppingoutofataxiwhenwepullupoutsidemyhouse,hershorthairsweptbackwithastuddedheadband.
AfterthankingSecretaryParkfordrivingus,Icallouttoher.“Eonni!”
IgesturewiththepizzaboxesinmyhandstoHyemi,who’sholdingfriedchickenandcola.“Thisismyfriend,WooHyemi.
She’sdebutingnextweekwithASAP,Joah’sfirstgirlgroup.”

“It’slovelytomeetyou,Hyemi,”Nadinesayswarmly.She’sdressedinablackcroppedshirtandleggings,withherleather
jacketthrownacrosshershouldersandsilverglintingfromherears.“Congratulationsonyourdebut.”

Hyemibeams.“Thankyou!”
Asweenterthroughthefrontgate,Nadineturnsherheadtoviewthegarden.“Yourhouseisbeautiful,Sori.”
“Thankyou.NathanielsaysitremindshimofthehouseinParasite.”

“Ah,mysweetbrother,”Nadinedrawls,“alwayssaysthemostcharmingthings.”
Iopenthefrontdoor.
Aswewalkthrough,Hyemisays,“Nathaniel…Lee?”
Nathanielslidessidewaysintothefoyerinhishouseslippers.Overhisclothes,hewearsanapronprintedwithalargepenguin.
“Welcome!”

“Youlooklikeyou’vemadeyourselfathome,”Nadinesays.
MyeyesdarttoHyemi,butshedoesn’tseemtotakenoticeofthecomment,toobusygapingatNathaniel.
“Nuna!”Jaewooyells,emergingfromthediningroom.
“Jaewoo!”Nadineyellsback.Theyruntowardeachother,thenstoptodoaverylongandcomplicatedhandshake.
“I’lltakethose,”Nathanielsays,walkingovertoHyemiandme.Hetucksthejugofcolabeneathonearm,grabbingthebag
offriedchicken.Whenhereachesformypizzaboxes,Iholdthemclosertomychest.

“I’llbringthemin.”
Hisfingersbrieflytracethebackofmyhandashiseyeslifttomine.“Welcomehome.”
“Soitistrue,”Hyemisays,andIfreeze.“Thatwasyoursisterinthephoto.”

Ittakesmeamomenttorealizewhatshe’sreferringto.WhenIdo,I’malittleshockedshebroughtitup.Hyemimustalso
realizewhatshe’ssaidbecauseshegoescompletelyscarlet.“Ididn’tmean—Iwasn’tthinking—I’msorry.”

Nathaniellaughs.“Don’tstressaboutit.Idon’tthinkwewereeverreallyintroduced.Myname’sNathaniel.”
“Iknow,”shesays,flushingprettily.
“Hyemi-yah.”Jaewooapproaches.“I’mgladyou’rehere.WeneedtorepresentTeamStudentCouncilMemberstonight.”
“Don’tspoiltheepisode!”Nadineshoutsfrombehindhim.
Weheadintothediningroom.Iplacetheboxesofpizzaonthetable,thenopenthem.
“Ooh,”Nadinesays,shiftingforwardinherseat.“Youdidn’ttellmeeachslicehasdifferenttoppings.”
“Staystrong,Naddy,”Nathanielsays,inafaux-pleadingvoice.“Don’tbetemptedbythebeautifulpizza.RememberJoe.”
“WheninKorea,”shesaysruthlessly,inEnglish,“doastheKoreansdo.”Shegrabsaslicewithahalfacobofcorninthemiddle.
NathanieleyesmewithhostilejudgmentasIpulloutaforkandknifetoeatmypizza.
Hyemidoesn’tspeakmuchthroughoutdinner,butshelaughsoften,herwide-eyedgazeflittingbetweenNathanielandJaewoo,
whoforsomereasondecidetositonoppositeendsofthelongtableandkeeponaskingeachothertopassthings.Ajumma
declinestojoinusbuttakesafewpiecesoffriedchickenandacupofpickledradishbacktoherroom,chucklingappreciatively
aboutthe“noisyhouse.”

Whenit’sclosetoseveno’clock,Nadinechecksherphone.“Wait,isn’tyourepisodeofCatchMeIfYouCanairingsoon?”

Wecleanthetableandhurrytothelivingroom,whereIturnonthetelevision,switchingtoEBC.
AsIturnaround,Inoticethere’sonlytwoemptyspotsonthesectionalsofa,betweenNadineandHyemiorbesideNathaniel,
asJaewoohasdecidedtosprawlhisentirebodyoverthechaisepart.There’sclearlymorespacebetweenNadineandHyemi,
andyet…IwalkoverandplopmyselfbesideNathaniel.

“I’llgetthelights,”Jaewoosays,jumpinguptodimthem.Icanheartheothersshifttofillthespace,andNathanielmoves
aswell,butonlyslightly.

TheepisodeopenswithanaerialpanofSeoulArtsAcademy.Textoverlaysexplaintheschool’shistory,aswellasafewof
itsmostillustriousgraduates.It’salsothealmamaterofacertainpopularboyband,thetextreads.ThevideoswitchestoaclipfromXOXO’snewestmusicvideo.

JaewoopointstothescreenandlaughswhenNathanielappears,holdingaredapple.“Yourhairwassolong!”
“Andblue,”Nadineadds.

“Ikindoflikedtheblue.”Nathanielsweepshishandthroughhishair.“Whoops,sorry,Hyemi,”hesays,whenhismovements
jostleher.Hemovesclosertometogiveherspace,andnowwe’retouchingcompletely,fromhiptoshoulder.

Ilikedthebluehairtoo,butIdon’tsaythataloud.
Hyemiappearsonscreenandintroducesherself.
“Hyemi,you’resocute!”Nadineexclaims.Eventhoughit’sclearshe’snervous,herpersonalitycomesoffbrightandcheerful.
Thenit’smyintroduction.MynameisMinSori.Icringe.Irefusedtolistentotherecordingoftheradioshow;watchingmyselfisanewkindoftorment.

Aftercommercials,theTVsplitsintoeightscreensshowingalltheplayers.Thenextpartisthegameportionoftheshow,
whichI’mgenuinelyinterestedinifonlytoseewhateveryoneelsewasuptowhilewewereseparated
ThecamerapanstoHyemifirst,whostartsoffthegameinthegymnasium.
She’sclearlysomeonewhotalkswhenshe’snervous,speakingsoquicklythattheeditorjokinglyaddedsubtitles.“Idon’tknowwhattodo.I’msoscared.WhatifIrunintosomeoneontheotherteam?ShouldIrun?WhatifI’mcaughtfirst?
Notthatwhoeveriscaughtfirstshouldfeelashamedoranything.Thefirsttoloseisactuallyquitebrave.Thoughstill,
pleasedon’tletmebethefirst.”Thesubtitleseventuallybecomegibberishthemselvesasshecontinuestospeakatarapidrate.Thetexteditreads:Issherapping?
TheepisodecutstodifferentclipsofYoungminspeedingthroughtheschool,riflingthroughstorageclosetsandendingup
inveryoddplaces—onetimeinanairventintheboy’slockerroom.

“Youngmin-ah,whatareyoudoing?”Jaewooislaughingsohardheslidesoffthesofatothefloor.
Thetextbeneathreads:ChoiYoungminfindshidingplacesthateventheproducerscouldn’tfind.
Jaewoo,Nathaniel,andSunareallmuchcalmerthantheiryoungestmember,thoughJaewoosharesabitofthatenergy,mostly
runningorjoggingthewholetime,andclearlysearchingfortokens.

Idon’tthinkSunrunsevenonce,leisurelywalkingoutsidetheschool.Atonepointhestopstoadmiretheflowersandexplains
toviewershowhehadtheresponsibilityofwateringthemwhenhewasastudent.Doeshethinkhe’sonagardeningshow?theeditoradds.

AsforNathaniel,thoughhekeepsafastpace,heonlyglancesintoeveryroomhepasses,coveringthemostterritoryout
ofeveryone,butnotactivelysearchingfortokens.Thetextreads:IsNathanielonthehunt?Butforwhat…orwhom?
“Wereyougoingstraighttotaggingpeopleout?”Jaewooasks.“Irespectyourstrategy.”
Nathanieldoesn’tanswer,thoughIcanfeelhisbodytenseatthequestion.ThenthescreenswitchestomeandI’mcompletely
distracted.

Thecafeteria.Irememberthemusicaltuneofthebellasthegamestarted,thenervousnessandexcitementthatracedthrough
myveins.WhentheSorionscreenfindsthefirsttoken,evenIfeelasenseofsatisfaction.

“Damn,Sori,”Jaewoosays,impressed.
Iwaitforthecameratocuttothenextperson,butitremainsonme.Hecan’tbreatheifit’szippedalltheway,Isay,holdingthefirstplushie
Mycheeksgoupinflames.Ithoughttheymighteditthatout.Atoughgirlexteriorbutasoftinterior?thetextreads.Whoareyou,MinSori?
“Itisacutemascot,”Jaewooacknowledges.
Nathaniel’sgazeremainsrivetedtothescreen.
Theepisodecontinuestofollowme.Icheckthetime.I’veofficiallyhadmorescreentimethaneveryoneelseintheepisode.Anervousfeeling
fluttersinmybelly—willXOXOfansresentthatI’vehadmorescreentimethanthemembers?

Thescreensplits,showingmypointofviewasIgoupthestairsand,atthesametime,Nathaniel’sPOVhidingfromSunin
aclassroom.

ThecamerashowsSunturning,makingitappearasifhe’sabouttocatchmedownthehall.
Thenahandreachesout,grabbingmywrist.Theepisodecutstocommercial.
“That’swheretheyendit?”Nadineshouts.“I’msomad.Whoevereditedthisisagenius.”
AfteracommercialforapopularinstantcoffeebrandandthegrandopeningofanewFerriswheelbytheHanRiver,theSeoulEye,theepisodereturns.There’sashortscuffleasI’mdraggedintoanemptyclassroom.ThecamerapanstheroominahaywiremovementbeforefocusingonNathanielandmecrouchedclosetogetheronthefloor.Twodelinquentsmeetingafterschool,thetextreads.

ThecameraangleswitchesfrommetoNathaniel,focusingonhisface.“Canyouturnoffyourlight?”Nathanielasks,andthen
thescreengoesdark.

Thevideofinallycutstosomeoneelse,andit’sJaewoowho’salreadywithHyemi,theeditorhavingremovedtheirmeeting.

“Jaewoo-seonbaefoundmehidingintheteachers’office,”Hyemisays.IsneakaglanceatHyemitoseeifshe’supsetthat
shehasn’thadasmuchscreentime,butshe’sabsorbedintheepisode,laughingatthestudentswhoignoreNathaniel’sdancing.

IfeelembarrassedwhenI’mshownfindingthesecondtoken.“Theyclearlygavemetheaceedit.”
“Don’tquestionit,Sori,”Nadinesays.“Embraceyourinnervarietyshowgoddess.”
Nextisthechasetotheelevator,thenthescreenswitchestofootagefromoneofthecamerassetupinside,withNathaniel
andmestandingoneithersideoftheelevatorcar.Theydon’tplaytheaudiofromourmics.Instead,thetextreads:Wewillbereunitedwiththemsoon.
BythetimeI’mshownfindingthethirdtoken,I’mresignedtomystarringroleintheepisode.WhenYoungminappearsout
ofnowherelikesomesilenttaggingassassin,I’mcheeringhimonwitheveryoneelse.

“Ihavetoheadbacktoschool,”Nadinesaysoncetheepisodeisover.“Jaewoo,canyoudriveme?”Ihadn’tseenJaewoo’s
car,buthemusthaveparkeditdownthestreet.

“Sure.NathanielandIcandropyouoffonthewaybacktotheapartment.”
AsHyemiandIwalkNathanielandtheotherstothedoor,Ihavetherecklessthoughtofblurtingoutthetruthsothathe
canstay,butquicklysmashtheimpulse.

WhenIglanceup,IfindNathanielwatchingme.Tomorrow,hemouths,andmyheartlightensinresponse.

Afterward,HyemiandIgouptomyroom.Ilendherapairofpajamasandasparetoothbrush.Normally,I’dbeonmyphone,
lookingupreactionstotheepisode,butIdon’twanttocauseheranystress,soI’mcarefultoleavemyphonefacedown
onthesidetable.

“HowdoyouknowJaewooandNathaniel-seonbaenim?”sheasksoncewe’resettledinmylargefour-posterbed.She’schosennot
todisplaceanystuffedanimalsbutsleepwiththempiledatopher,sameasme.

“I’veknownthemsincemiddleschool…”Ibegin,thenexplainhowbecausewewerealltraineesatJoah,andalsoattended
SAA,webecamefriends.

“MyfriendsareallinCanada,”Hyemisays.“Wetextandtalkovervideobutit’snotthesame.”
“Iwon’tsaythatyou’llmakenewfriends,”Isaygently,“butyou’llmakemore.Andthefriendsthatyouweremeanttokeep,youwillbecauseyou’llputintheeffort.”

“Ihopeyou’reright,Seonbae,”Hyemisays,softly.Afewminuteslater,sheasks,“DoyouthinkNadinegotahaircutrecently?”
“Idon’tknow.Whydoyouask?”
ButHyemi’salreadyfallenasleep.
Thenextmorning,Hyemiheadsoutafterbreakfast.Sheneedstogetbacktothedormsintimetoleavefortheairport,as
theASAPmembersareflyingtoThailandtoshoottheirmusicvideo.Whilemunchingonapieceoftoast,IfinallyopenSNS
toseeviewerreactionstotheepisode.They’reunanimouslypositive.Isinkintomychairwithrelief.

XOXOholdtheirtitlesasrealityTVkings.Hyemiispraisedforherfreshappearance,andexcitementisalreadydrumming
upforASAP’sdebut.

ThenIcatchsightofanotherarticle.
WhoIsMinSori?DoWeHaveaNewVarietyShowQueen?
Andanotherandanother.
AllYouNeedtoKnowAboutMinSori,DaughterofSeoMinHee
MinSoriIstheAceofTonight’sEpisodeofCatchMeIfYouCan
Mygazelandsonthenumberonetrendingarticle,upvotedtothetopofthesite.
AreNathanielLeeandMinSori…Dating?Twenty-one
NathanielandIaretrendingonallthemajorsites,sometimesseparately,sometimestogether.Inapanickedflurry,Iskim
articleafterarticle,notexactlysurewhatI’msearchingforbutfeelingasifmystomachwilldropatanymoment.Besides
theonevotedtothetopofthesite,they’reallmostlyinformativearticles—whathappenedontheepisode,mybackground
andage—ratherthanmean-spiritedgossip.Eventhetoparticle’sheadlineisclickbait;theactualarticleisarecapofthe
episode.Thecommentssectionistherealtest.ButasIscroll,thesealsoseemharmless,andmyheartstartstoresumea
steadyrhythm.

Infact,thecommentsareamusing.Thetopcomment,theonewiththemostlikes,saysthey’relikethathighschoolcouplethateveryoneadmires.
Iscrolltoreadmore.Theylooksogoodinhighschooluniforms.
Iknoweveryone’shereenvyingMinSori,butIenvyNathaniel.
IthinkIneedtolearntoplayaninstrument.
ThenIseeacommentthatmakesmealmostdropmyphone.RememberLeeJihyuk’sdatingscandalwhenXOXOfirstdebuted?Thegirlwasnevernamed,buttheysaidshewasatraineeat
Joah.WhatifitwasMinSori?
Thecommentonlyhastenlikes.Still,it’sonthefrontpageofcomments,foreveryonetoread.
Beneathitsomeone’sreplied,Don’tspreadrumorswithoutproof.Thatwouldmeanthey’reflauntingtheirrelationship.Thatwouldbetoobrazenofthem
both.Thiscommenthastwenty-eightlikes.

Andnowtheanxietyisbackbuttenfold.Ihavetotalktosomeoneaboutthis.IcouldtextGiTaekandAngela,butthere’s
onlyonepersonIneedrightnow.IopenupmychatwithNathaniel,readingbackourmessagesfromlastnight.JaewooandIjustgottotheapartment.TrynottowakeupHyemiwithyoursnoring.
Idon’tsnore!
Howdoyouknow?Ididn’twarrantthiswitharesponse.

Itypeinthechatbox,thenpressSend.Haveyouseenthearticles?Iwaitforhimtoreadmymessage,butwhenthe“1”remainsbesidehisname,indicatinghehasn’treadit,Itexthimagain.Canyoucallmewhenyouseethis?
IhurriedlyopenmychatwithJaewoo.Nathanielisn’tansweringhistexts.
Jaewoo’sresponseisimmediate.HewenttoKS.
Ofcourse.He’sbeengoingthereeverydaytoworkwithoneoftheirartists.Irememberhe’dtoldmetheyconfiscatevisitors’
phones,whichexplainswhyheisn’tmessagingmeback.

Isitbackinmychair.Icouldwaitforhimtocomehomelatertonight—Iglanceattheclockonthewall—sixhoursfromnow.
OrIcould…gotohim.

Myheartstartstoraceattherecklessthought.Andyetwaitinguntiltonight,stewingalonewhilemythoughtsspiralout
ofcontrol,feelsunbearable.

BeforeIcantalkmyselfoutofit,Irequestataxithroughtheapponmyphone.
Evenifthisplanisimpulsive,atleastI’mdoingsomething.Iquicklychangeoutofmypajamas,checkingtheapptoseethedriverisfiveminutesaway.I’veenoughtime
toputonsunscreenandlightmakeupbeforerushingoutsidethegate.

Igreetthedriverandsettleintothebackseatofthetaxi,havingalreadyinputtheaddressintheapp.Iresisttheurge
toscrollthroughmorearticles,asthat’llonlymakemyanxietyworse.

ThetaxidropsmeoffoutsideKSEntertainment.AsIstareatthecompany’sintimidatingedifice—thebuildingishuge,twice
thesizeofJoah,allclean,darkglass—IrealizeIhavenowayofgettinginside.Afewfanslingeroutsidethebuilding,
posingcutelyandtakingselcas.

Anunassumingmanapproachesthefrontentrance,wavinghiskeycardoverthescanner,whichlightsupgreen,grantinghim
access.

IcouldthrowmyweightaroundandsaythatI’mthedaughterofSeoMinHee,butthatinformationmightgetbacktomymother,
whowouldnotbepleasedthatI’matKS,practicallyinenemyterritory.

Ablackcarpullsuptothecurb,andthebackseatwindowshiftsdownward.
“Sori?”Myfatherlooksoutatmefromthewindow.
I’msoshockedtoseehimthatIdon’timmediatelyrespond.Hisofficesaren’tnearthispartofthecity.“Abeoji?”Isay
finally.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

“IhaveameetingwithCEOCha.”Hedoesn’telaborate,likelybecausethereasonsformeetingKSEntertainment’sCEOmightnotbeentirelyethical.“Whatareyou…?”

“I…”Istruggleforalie,myeyeslandingontheStarbucksdownthestreet.“Imetafriendforcoffee,butsheleft
already.”

“Isee,”hesays,rubbinghisclean-shavenchin.“Actually,I’mgladthatI’verunintoyou.CEOCha’snephewisthemanI
wishforyoutomeet.ItmightalsobenefityoutoknowCEOCha,aswell.Whydon’tyougetinthecar,andwe’llgothrough
together?”

Thisseemslikeboththeanswertomyproblemandaterribleidea.Still,Iwalkaroundtotheotherside,slippingintothe
backseat.

SecretaryLeemaneuversthecartothebackofthebuilding,whereasecurityguardletsusthroughintoanundergroundgarage.
HedropsmyfatherandIoffoutsidetheindoorentrancebeforeparkingthecaronalowerlevel.

CEOCha’ssecretaryistheretogreetus,bowingandopeningthedoortothefrontlobby.Sheleadsustothesecuritydesk
whereaguardoffersusatrayinwhichtoplaceourphones.“Myapologies,butit’scompanypolicyforallvisitors,”she
explains.

“Ofcourse,”myfathersays,relinquishinghisphoneeasily.
Astheguardopensadrawertosecureourphones,IcatchaglimpseofNathaniel’stuckedamongtherest.
“CEOChaisfinishingupanothermeetingatthemoment,”theKSsecretarysayspolitely.“Wouldyoulikeatourofthebuilding
meanwhile?”

“That’snotnecessary—”myfatherbegins.
“I’dlovethat!”Iinterrupt.OnceI’mensconcedwithmyfatherandCEOCha,Iprobablywon’thaveachancetolookforNathaniel.
“Yougoonahead,”myfathersays.“IsthereaplacewhereIcanwait?”
“Yes,followme.”Sheleadsmyfatherpastsecurity.Whenshereturns,Iwalkbehindhertothenearestelevatorbank,watching
withfrustrationasshepressesthebuttonforthebasementfloor.

Nathanielwon’tbethere.He’llbeinoneoftherecordingstudiosonanupperlevel.
ThelayoutofKSissimilartoJoah,withmusic,vocalpractice,anddancepracticeroomsonthelowerlevels,andtherecording
studios,meetingrooms,andofficesontheupperlevels.

LikeJoah,KShasphotographsoftheirtalentdecoratingthewalls.Alongwithrecordingartists,theyalsorepresentactors
andactresses.ThelastphotographattheendofaparticularlylonghallisthepromotionalposterforSpringtimeBlossom,withtheleadactress,LeeByeol,gazinguplovinglyintotheeyesofhercostar,whoplaysamanwhowasonceanalien
catfromanotherplanet.Also,he’satimetraveler.

Aswestepofftheelevatoronthethirdfloor,thesecretary’sringtonegoesoff.Sheglancesdownatthescreenwithafrown.
“Ineedtotakethis.Willyoubeallrightbyyourself?Feelfreetolookaround.”

“Yes.”Inod,butshe’salreadywalkingaway,herphonetoherear.
Istepbackontotheelevatorandpressthebuttonfortheeighthfloor.Afterpeekingintoafewoftheemptyrooms,Iquicklyrealizethisisn’tthefloorI’msearchingfor.Headingbacktowardtheelevator,Icatchsightofmyfatherdownthehall.He’swalkingtowardme,deepinconversationwithanotherman,presumablyCEOCha.Dartingforward,Ipushopenadoorthatleadsintoastairwellandhurrydowntothefloorbelow.
Thistimeit’sCEOCha’ssecretaryapproachingfromdownthehall,peeringintoroomsasifinsearchofme.IfeellikeI’m
onanotherepisodeofCatchMeIfYouCan.Grabbingthenearestdoorknob,Islipthroughintoaroom,closingthedoorquietlybehindme.Iletoutasighinrelief.

“Sori?”
Iwhiparound.Nathaniel’sseatedbehindalargemixingconsole,hiseyeswideinshock.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Areyoualone?”Iask,hurryingovertohim.Awindowseparatesthecontrolfromtherecordingstudio,butthelightsare
shutoff.

Heeyesmyapproach.“Yeah…”
“Ineededtotalktoyou.Itriedtextingyou,butthenIrememberedyouwereatKS.”Itakeadeepbreath.“Idon’tknow
ifyousawthismorning,butournamesaretrendingtogetherafterlastnight’sepisode.Alotofthearticlesareharmless,
butsomeofthemareaboutus…”Iblush.“Dating.”

“DidyouseeanythingweneedtoletJoahknowabout?”Iknowwhyhe’sasking.Ifthearticlesarevitriolic…ordefamatory,
thenJoahwouldhavetotakelegalaction.

“No.They’remostlyjustclickbait,but…I’mworried.Whatifitescalates?”
Nathanielseemstoconsidermyquestion,hisbrowfurrowed.“There’snoreasontoworry,”hesaysslowly,“aslongasthere’snotruthtotherumors.”
He’sright.Lotsofcelebritiesarepairedtogether,butnothingcomesofitbecauseit’snottrue.
“Eveniftheyfindoutthatwedatedinthepast,”Nathanielsays,“thatwasawhileago.It’sonlyascandalifwe’redating
now.”

Hiswordssinkintome,andIcanfeelthetensionfromthismorningleavemyshoulders.
MaybeIdidn’thavetocomeallthewayheretoseehim—Icouldhavewaiteduntilhecamehome—butIalsofeelsomuchbetter
nowthanIhadbefore.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Iask.NowthatIcanconcentrateonmorethanjustthearticles,IrealizeI’vepracticallybarged
intoNathaniel’sworkplace.

“Ijustfinishedarrangingthemusicforthetrack,”hesays.“We’regoingtobringintheartistsoontorecordthevocals.
Doyouwantto…listen?”

“Yes!”
Nathaniellaughs,standing.Itakehisseat,sinkingdownintothecushionedchair.Pickingupthelargeheadphones,heplaces
themovermyears.

Afterafewseconds,musicfloodsthroughthespeakers—thetrackthatthevocalistwillsingover,carryingthemelody.
“Youcomposedthis?”Isay,thenblush,rememberinghowIwasshockedwhenIdiscoveredhewastakingaclass,butI’mnot
shockednow.I’mjustso…impressed.Andproud.

Henods,hissmileshybutconfident.
“It’sincredible!”Ishoutoverthespeakers.Ilistentotheentiretyofthetrack,thenaskhimtostartitoverforme
again.

“ProducerNathaniel,”Isay,onceitfinishesplayingforthesecondtime.“Whatmadeyouwanttoproduce?”
Heleansbackagainsttheconsole.“Maybeit’sbecauseIcomefromabigfamily,orbecauseI’mpartofanidolgroup,but
sometimesIwanttocreatesomethingthat’sjustmyown.”

I’dneverthoughthefeltthisway,butitmakessense;how,thoughhehasafamilythatloveshimandmembersthatsupport
him,he’dwanttohavehisownaccomplishments,bejudgedonhisownmerits.

“Icanunderstandwhyyou’dseeyourselfaspartofagroup,”Isay.“Iseemyselfasmymother’sdaughter.Forwhatit’s
worth,I’vealwaysseenyouforyou.”Althoughhe’sapartofXOXO,he’sstoodaparttome,theonlyoneIsee.

Ilookaway,embarrassedattheturnofmythoughts.
“I’menvious,though.You’repassionateaboutsomanythings,notjustwithXOXOandyourfamilybutalsomusicproducing
andyouruniversityclass.Iseemtobelackinginnotonlypassionbutdirection.EvenhelpingHyemi,Idon’tknowifI’m
thebestpersonforthejob.”

“Don’tsellyourselfshort,”Nathanielsays.“Who’sbettersuitedtohelpHyemithanyou?Someonewho’sgrownupinthisindustry.
Maybeyoucan’tmakeHyemiintoanidollikethosewho’vetrainedfortenyears,butyou’rehelpingmakethetransitionfor
herassmoothaspossible.Andmaybewhileworkingwithher,you’llfindsomethingyouareinterestedin.”

“GiTaekandAngelathinkI’dmakeagreatstylistordanceinstructor,”Iquip.
“Youwould,”Nathanielsaysseriously,hisvoiceintent.“ButIthinkthere’ssomethingelseforyou.Somethingbetterfor
you.”

Nathaniel’seyesaredarkashelooksdownatmewhereIsitattheedgeofthechair.
Thewayhelooksatme.Thewayhemakesmefeel.Hisbeliefinme.It’slikeadrug,headyandintoxicating.Mylimbsfeel
weakandyetmybloodrunshot,andallIwanttodoisreachupandbringhisfaceclosertomine,untilthere’snothing
leftbetweenus.

“Nathaniel?”
Awomanstandsinthedoorway.I’vebeensoabsorbedinhimandourconversationthatIhadn’tevennoticedthearrivalof
anotherperson.

Irecognizeher—Naseol,theleadsingerofKS’sthird-generationgirlgroup.ShemustbetheartistNathaniel’scollaborating
with.

Istandandbow,whichNaseolreturnspolitely.
“Thisismyfriend…”Nathanielintroducesme.
“MinSori,right?Themodelfromlastnight’sepisodeofCatchMeIfYouCan.IwasrootingforTeamDelinquents,bytheway.”Shewinks.“Nowonderyoutwohavesuchgreatchemistry…”

NeitherNathanielnorImove.Hadsheseensomethingbetweenus?
“You’refriendsinreallife.Didyouinvitehertothestudio,Jihyuk-ah?”
“Icamewithmyfather,”Ihurriedlyexplain.“He’s…anacquaintanceofCEOCha.Actually,they’rebothwaitingforme.Ishouldprobablygo.”
“Ah,Isee,”shesays,andshetrulylooksregretful.“Itwasnicemeetingyou.”
Later,sittingwithmyfatherandCEOCha,listeningtothemdiscussbusinessandtheinnumerousaccomplishmentsofCEOCha’s
nephew,IthinkofNathanielandNaseolinthestudio,andhowIwishIwaswiththeminstead.
Twenty-two
AfterHyemireturnsfromfilmingASAP’smusicvideo,wespendbasicallysunuptosundownatJoahperfectingthechoreography.
IworkwithnotonlyHyemibuttheothermembersaswell,makingsurethey’reeatingproperlyandgettingenoughrest.Their
showcaseisscheduledforFridayintheevening,afterthereleaseofASAP’sfirstsingle,“WakeUp.”Imarkthedaysonmy
calendar,crossingthemoffonebyone;Saturdaypasses,thenSundayandMonday.

Besidesworkingwiththemembers,IalsoassistDirectorRyu,who’ssubsistingsolelyonadrenalineandcaffeineatthispoint.
Shehasawholeteamtohelpher,soIspendmostofmytimerunningtocaféswithinathree-hundred-meterradiusofJoah
tosustaintheteammembers.Idon’tcomplain.It’sanhonorjusttoseeDirectorRyuandherteamatwork.

AhugevisionboardtakesupthemajorityofthewallspaceinDirectorRyu’soffice,andsometimesIstandinfrontofit
inawe,studyingallthedetailsthatwentintothecreationofASAP.She’sthoughtofeverything,downtoeachindividual
member’shaircolorandtheirastrologicalandzodiacsigns.

She’sthepersonwhosignsoffontheirfinaloutfitselections—broughttoherbyateamofstylists—includinghairaccessoriesandfootwear,aswellasoverseeingthefinaleditsforASAP’sdebutdocumentary,whichwillgolivenextweekaftertheirsinglerelease.ThelastepisodewillairbeforetheirfullEPdropsattheendofthismonth.
ImightnotbedebutingasamemberofASAP,butworkingwiththegirlsandDirectorRyu,IfeellikeI’mpartofateam.
WithhowbusyI’vebeenatJoah,I’dhavethoughtthatotheraspectsofmylifemightsuffer,butthatisn’tthecase.Every
eveningatsix,Ileavethecompany.JustlikeItelltheASAPmembers,Ialsoneedtorest,andlifeoutsideworkisjust,
ifnotmore,important.

GettingoffatmybusstopTuesdaynight,Iroundthecornertoseethebrightlightsofmylocalconveniencestore.Nathaniel
waitsformeatoneofthetablesoutside,ashehasbeensincelastweek.He’ssippingfromacanneddrink,abookinhand.
Mygazemovestowherehe’sleftthebottleofmyfavoritegrapejuiceonthetable.

Thisisourroutine,sittingandchattingaboutourdaysbeforewalkingupthehilltothehousetogether.Thesweet,rich
drinkcoolinthebalmyspringnight.Theneighborhoodquietastheskyturnstodusk.Nathaniel,thebackofhishandbrushing
againstthebackofmine.I’dneverthoughtI’dhaveafavoritepartoftheday,butthisbecomesit.

AfterdinnerwithAjumma,wespendafewhoursinthelivingroomtogether.HeplaysavideogamewhileIsnuggleinthecorner
ofthecouchreadingawebnovel.

Nathaniel’sphonelightsuponthecoffeetable,buthedoesn’treachforit.He’sinthemiddleofanintensezombiebattle.
Thenmyownphonechirpswithamessage.

Areyoubusy?It’sfromSun.

Whenmyphoneringswithanincomingcall,Igetupfromthecouchandheadtothekitchen.Ibalancethephoneagainstthecoffeemaker,thenpressAccept,leaningbackagainstthecounter.
Sun’snotevenathisphonewhenthevideoloads.I’mstaringatanemptyhigh-backedchair.Behinditisafloor-to-ceiling
bookcasewithworksofclassicliteratureandafewtranslatedworksfromEnglishandJapanese.

“Oh,youpickedup,”IhearSunsayasheswivelsthechairtowardhim,thensitsdown,rubbinghisneckwithatowel.He’s
wearingabathrobeandpajamaspants,hishairsweptbackfromhisface.“IcalledNathanielfirst.Hedidn’tbotherpicking
up.”

Ikeepmyexpressionneutral.WhywouldhementionNathanieltome?Noneofthemembersknowthathe’sbeenlivingwithme.
“Ihaveanunusualrequest,”Sunsays.“It’scomingfromthedirectorofmydrama.Apparently,he’saMinLeefan.”
I’dbeensoworriedthatsomeonewoulddiscoverourpastrelationshipthatIhadn’tthoughtourinteractionsonCatchMeIfYouCanwouldhavetheoppositeeffect.

Apparently,wehadsomuchchemistryontheepisodethatnetizensstartedteasinglyreferringtousas“theMinLeecouple.”
MinLeecouple,Nathanielhadquipped,Iguessthat’sbetterthanSoNath
Ofcourse,theironyisthat,whilepeoplearehappyforustobeinafakerelationship,ifitwerereal,allthesupportwouldturntojudgmentandscorn.

“Thedirectorwantstocapitalizeonyourfakerelationship,”Sunsays,uncappingabottleoftoner,splashingtheproductontohishands,thentappingitontohisface.“HeaskedmeifI’duseyoutwoforratings,andIsaid,‘Icouldn’thavethoughtofabetterideamyself.’”
Theurgetorollmyeyesisstrong.“Sowhatareyouasking?”
“ForyouandNathanieltocameoinmydrama.YoursceneswillfilmthisThursdayfortheepisodethatwillairnextweek.
Mostoftheepisodewasfilmedearlier,butthescriptwriteragreedtowriteinshortrolesforyoutwo.”

“Isee…”Sun’sdramafollowsthelive-shootsystem,sowhilethefirstfewepisodeswerefilmedbeforehand,theothers
arebeingshotastheseriesairs.Thisway,theproducerscanmakechanges,liketheinclusionofacameo,orrespondto
viewerfeedbacktoimproveratings.

“I’lldoit,”Isay,“ifyoualsoletHyemiappearontheepisode.”Iwouldhavedoneitanyway,tosupportSun,butImightaswellleveragethis
opportunityforHyemi’ssake.

“WooHyemi?”Sunraisesabrow.“She’sthegirlyou’rementoring,right?Whosedebutwilldeterminewhetherherfatherpays
thebigbucks.”Hemakesitallsoundsomercenary.

“Isthereaproblem?”Isay.“Ifyoucan’tdoit,then—”
“No,Ican.”Hewavesmeoff.“Andthisisperfect.Iwasfeelingunnervedattheideaofowingyouafavor.”
Ilookupwardandholdthatposition.“WhataboutNathaniel?”Iask,recovering.“Hemightsayno.”
“Oh,he’lldoit,”Sunsayswithcompleteconfidence.
WhenIreturntothelivingroom,Nathanieliswaitingforanewmaponhisgametoload.HelooksupwhenIenter,asoftsmileonhisface.Myheartbeatsalittlefaster.Onthecoffeetable,hisphonechirpswithanewmessage.
“That’sfromSun-oppa,”Isayquickly.
“WereyoutalkingwithSun-hyeonginthekitchenjustnow?”Hepicksuphisphone.Iwatchhimreadthroughthelongmessage.
“Yousaidyou’ddothecameo?”

“Yes.”
Themapforthegameloads.Nathanielquicklywritesoutaresponse,thenthrowshisphoneontothecouch,pickinguphis
controllerandmaneuveringhischaractertogatheringweapons.

“Whatdidyousay?”Iask,annoyedthathe’ssofocusedonhisvideogame.
Heglancesatme.“You’redoingit,right?Isaidyes.”
There’ssomethingsomatter-of-factabouthisresponse,thatbecauseI’mdoingit,ofcoursehewouldtoo.Ifeelmyannoyance
immediatelymeltaway.

IstillhaveahalfhourbeforeIneedtogetreadyforbed.Ipickupmyphonetoreadmywebnovel.Insteadofsettling
inthecornerofthecouch,IsnuggleupnexttoNathaniel.HisbodytensesandIwatchashischaracteronscreentakea
fewhits,butthenherelaxes,adjustinghisarmsothatI’mmorecomfortable.Weremainlikethatforthenexthalfhour.

AtJoahthefollowingmorning,ItellDirectorRyuandSecretaryParkaboutHyemiandmycameosinSun’sdrama.
“Thetimingworksout,”SecretaryParksays.“TheASAPmembersaresupposedtotakethedayoffbeforetheshowcaseanyway.”
Idon’tbringituptoHyemiuntilaftershe’sfinisheddancepracticewiththeothermembers.
“Areyousureit’sallrightthatI’mintheepisode?”sheasks,fiddlingwithherbracelet.We’resittinginthesameroom
whereI’dmetherforthefirsttime.Sincethen,she’sgottenastylishhaircutandgainedsomehealthyweightafterworking
withanutritionistandpersonaltrainer.“Idon’thaveanyactingexperience.”

“It’llbeasmallrole.Acameo.”Inatextthismorning,Sunhadsaidthedrama’swriterhadagreedtowriteinapartfor
Hyemi.“NathanielandIalsodon’thaveanyactingexperience.”

“Butyou’llbeanatural,”sheinsists.Ismileatherindulgently.Atleastoneofushasconfidenceinme.“Seonbae,I’ve
beenwantingtoaskyou…”Shetwistsherbraceletaroundherwrist.It’sabraidofcolorfulstringswoventogetherin
acontinuousloop.“Howdoyoufeelthatyou’retrendingasacouplewithNathaniel-seonbae?Itmustbeburdensome.”

Myheartwarmsatherconcern.Itwouldbeburdensometobepairedsopubliclywithastranger,orworse,someoneIfeltuncomfortablebeingassociatedwith,but…

“I’mfine,”Isaytruthfully.NowthatIknowthereisn’tascandalbrewing,I’mfeelingmuchcalmeraboutthesituation,
thoughtherearestillthenegativecommentsthatgivemeanxiety.

“Seonbae,haveyoueverhadacrushonsomeoneinthecompany?”
Myeyeswiden,startledbyherquestion.“Whydoyouask?Istheresomeoneyoulike?”
Itrytogothroughthepossiblecandidates.There’sYoungmin,who’sthesameageasherandisalsoherclassmateatSAA.AndthenJaewoo,whowasonTeamStudentCouncilwithherandwhoIknowsheadmires.TherearealsoJoah’sothertrainees,whoI’vegrownsomewhatfamiliarwith,ifonlybecauseI’dseenDirectorRyu’spotential“teams”forfuturegroups.Oneofthetoptrainees,aboyofMalaysiandescent,isparticularlycute.
Sheshakesherhead.Quickly.Tooquickly.
Hyemihasacrush.
Ifeelgiddyatthethought.“Youdon’thavetotellmewho,justknowthatIsupportyou.”
Shegiggles.“Thanks,Eonni.Isittruethatdatingisforbidden?Myfather’slawyerlookedoverthecontractanditdidn’t
sayanythingaboutit.”

“It’snot,”Itellher.“It’sjusttrickybecauseofreactionsfromthepublic,especiallyforyoungerartistswhodon’thave
asmanyfanstosupportthemyet.ButJoahisn’tasstrictasothercompanies,”IaddwhenIseeherexpressionfall.“There
areJoahartistswhodate.”

IthinkofJennyandJaewoo,whohadascandalearlyonintheirrelationshipwhenaphotowasleakedofthetwoofthem.
JoahstoodbehindJaewoo,releasingastatementthatdidn’tconfirmordenytherelationshipbutstatedtheywouldtakeaction
againstanydefamatoryarticles.

“Really?”Hyemi’seyesarewide.“Who?”
“Ican’ttellyouthat,”Ichide.
Shesighs.“You’reagoodfriend,Eonni.”
Nathanielhasaprojectforhisclass,soIgoforarunlaterthatnight.Itrainedearlier,andthestreetshavethatdistinctiveafter-rainsmell.Ijogpastanoldermancollectingbottlesandcanswithagrabbingtool,droppingthemintoseparatebagsforglass,plastic,andotherwaste.Awomanputtersbyonhermotorbike,adogtuckedsnuglyintoherbackpack,itseyesclosedandtonguewagging.Allofthebusinessesareclosed,exceptfortheconveniencestore,glowinglikeabeacononthedarkcorner.
AsIrun,ImullovermyconversationwithHyemi.It’struethatJoahhasbeenmorelaxwiththeideaoftheiridolsdating
inthepastyear,eversincetheytookthestanceofprotectingJaewoo’srelationship.Theexpectationsaroundidolsdating
intheindustryhaschangedtoo,withmoreandmorefanssupportingtheirfavoriteidolsratherthanturningtheirbackson
them,liketheyhaveinthepast.

Iftheindustryhadbeenlikeitisnowtwoyearsago,couldNathanielandIhavekeptourrelationship?Sincetheatmosphere
haschanged,couldweenterintoarelationshipnow?

I’msurprisedattheturnofmyownthoughts.IneverthoughtI’daskmyselfthesequestions.Forone,there’sthepromise
Imadetomymother,andI’veneverbrokenapromisetoher.

Andyetcircumstanceshavechangedsincethatday,notjustwithJoah’sstanceontheiridolsdatingbutalsothestatusof
mymother’scompany.WiththesuccessofXOXO,Joahhasbecomeacompanythatothersintheindustryrespect.Becauseofhow
mymotherhasledJoah,she’swinningtheTrailblazerAwardattheEBCAwards.AndnowwiththedebutofASAP,she’llprove
toanyonewhomighthavedoubtedherthatsheisn’tgoinganywhere
ThematterofNathanielandmeseemssosmallincomparison…
IslowtoawalkuntilIstopentirely,droppingmyhandstomykneestocatchmybreath.I’verunasfarastheneighborhood
playground.Aslidesetwithswingssitsatopabluecushionedgroundcovering.Iheadovertothebottomoftheslide,sit
down,andpullupmyfeet.Pillowingmybackagainsttheslide,Itakeoutmyphone.ThescreenemitsalowglowasIpress
thecontactfortheonlypersonwhoknowsbetterthananyonewhatit’sliketodateanidol.

Jennyanswersonthethirdring.“Sori?”Herfaceappearsonthescreen.There’sashufflingcommotionasshedropsherphone.
Ibrieflyviewahighceilingbeforeshepicksitupagain.“Whoops,”shesays,breathless.

“Whereareyou?”Icalculatethetimeinmyhead,anditmustbeearlymorninginNewYorkCity.
“I’matthelibrary.Holdonasec.”Shedisappearsfromthescreen.Icanhearthesofttapofherfootstepsasshewalks
fromthelibrary,thenthesquealofadooropening.

JennyanglesthephonesothatIhaveaviewofherstandinginastairwell.Thesoundofhervoiceechoesaroundher.“What
timeisitthere?”

“Teno’clock.”
“That’slate!Whereareyou?”
Imovethephonesothatshecanseethechildren’splayareabehindme.“Ineededtothink,soIwentforarun.”
“ShouldIbeconcerned?”Jennyasks.
Ishakemyhead.“Ijustwantedtohearyourvoice.”
IclosemyeyesasIlistentohertellmeaboutherschoollife.She’stakingmusictheory,aswellasaclassonmoderncomposers.Thefinalselectionforthequartetisthisweek.
“IfIgetit,IcouldbeinSeoulasearlyasthismonth,”shesays.“I’msorryIhaven’tcalledmuch.”
“No!”Isayvehemently.“I’mtheonewho’ssorry.”
Jennywrinkleshernoselikeshewantstoarguewithme,butthenshelaughs.“Well,we’retalkingnow.I’malsohappyto
hearyourvoice,butyoucalledforareason,didn’tyou?”

Herabilitytoreadmeacrossanentireoceanandcontinentistrulyastounding.
Itellhereverything,aboutmydealwithmymother,thatinexchangeforhelpingHyemi’sdebut,she’llgivememoreindependence,
butalsoaboutNathaniellivingwithmeforthedurationofhishiatus.IfeelatadguiltythatI’mtellingher,whenImade
Nathanielswearnottotellhisbandmates,butIthinkhe’dforgiveme—I’mcallingherbecauseofhim,afterall
“Howdoyoufeel?”sheasksquietly.
Shealreadyknowswithoutmehavingtotellher,thatmyfeelingsforNathanielhavereturned,notthattheyhadevergone
away.

IthinkofthefeelingthatcomesovermewhenIstepoffthebustofindhimwaitingforme.
“Ifeelhappy.”Sayingitaloud,itfeelslikeaconfession.“TellmewhatIshoulddo.”
“Idon’tthinkIhaveto,”Jennysays,asmileonherface.“Iwon’tlie,it’snoteasy,datingsomeonewhospendshalfhislifeinthespotlight.IthelpstorememberthatJaewoo’sjustaperson,andthat,evenifhewasn’tamemberofXOXO,I’dstillwanttobewithhim.Ofcourse,ithashelpedthatwe’vekeptourrelationshipasecret.Thoughsomefanshavetheoriesthatareeerilyaccurate.”Sheshudders.
“ButunlikeJaewooandme,youandNathanielwouldn’tbelongdistance.”

No,andIwouldn’twantustobe.I’mnotstronglikeJenny.Iwanttobeindependentwithmycareerbutnotmyrelationship.
Iwanttoneedsomeone,justasmuchasIwanttofeelneeded.

“Ithinkthereareobstaclesinanyrelationship,”Jennycontinues.“Youjusthavetodecidewhetherthatfeeling—happiness—is
worthanyhardshipsthatmightcomeup.”

Idon’tknowifit’sworthit;IjustknowI’mnotreadytoletitgo.
“Whenareyougoingtotellhim?”
“Ican’ttellhimanythinguntilafterItalktomymother.She’sinJapanrightnow…”SecretaryParkhadinformedme
shortlyaftermymotherhadalreadyleft.“Butshe’scomingbacktoSeoulforASAP’sdebutshowcase.”Icouldtalktoher
asearlyasthatnight.

Mychestflutterswithnervousnessandexcitement.Withhope.
“I’mrootingforyou!”Jennysays.“YouandNathaniel.Ithinkifanycoupledeservesasecondchance,it’syoutwo.”Twenty-three
IreadthescriptforSun’sdramaonthetrainridetothefilminglocation,whichisasmalltownontheeasterncoastof
thepeninsula.TheSeaPrinceisafantasyromanceaboutanamnesiacdeitywhowashesuponshoreduringaparticularlybadstorm—hisdoing—andisrescued
byalocalfisherman’sdaughter.She’sgotagrudgeagainstthegodforsendingallthoseawfulstorms.She,ofcourse,doesn’t
knowtheidentityofthemysteriousnakedman.Rom-comhijinksensueastheheroineisalevel-headedcountrygirlandthe
seaprinceisliterallyafishoutofwater.

Hyemi’sroleintheepisodeisthatofaschoolgirlwhostumblesuponamagicalconchshellholdingtheSeaPrince’smemories.
Nathanielplaysawatergodwhoinhabitsalocalbathhouse.AndI…

“I’mplayingamermaid?”Ilookupfromthescript.SecretaryParksitsacrossfromme.AsJoah’srepresentative,she’saccompanying
Hyemiandmetothefilmingsite.Thescriptwriter,whomusthaveworkedthroughthenighttocomeupwithourindividual
storylines,senttherevisedscripttoSecretaryPark,whointurn,reviewedthecontentsbeforeprintingthemoutanddelivering
themtous.

“Yes,”SecretaryParksays,“amermaidwho’sfondofwarmertemperatures,whichiswhyyoueventuallyendupatthebathhouse.”
Hyemistirsfromwhereshe’scurledupinthewindowseat.Immediatelyuponboardingthetrain,she’dfallenasleep,andneitherSecretaryParknorIhadthehearttowakeher.
Hyemi’sroleintheepisode,unlikeNathaniel’sandmine,isactuallysignificanttotheplot.Hercharacter’sfamilyputs
themagicalconchupforsaleaftershebringsittothem,leadingSuntodiscovertheconchandrestorehismemories,the
catalystforthesecondhalfofthedrama.

Butevenwithsuchanimportantrole,shedoesn’thavemanylinestomemorize.It’sabetteruseofhertimetocatchupon
much-neededsleep.

ThreehoursafterleavingSeoul,wearriveatthestation,whichconsistsofasingleplatformandthreetracks.Ihaven’t
beentotheseainawhile,andasweexitoutfront,Itakeadeepbreathofthesalty,crispair.It’salittlewarmerthan
inSeoul,andthesunisout,soIletmycardiganfalltothecrookofmyelbows.Closingmyeyesandtippingmyheadback,
Istaylikethatforabriefmoment,thesunlightwarmingmyfaceandshoulders.

Aproductionassistantwaitsforusintheparkinglotandwedriveanotherfifteenminutesalongthecoasttowheretheproduction
crewhassetupbasecampbesidethebeach,withseveraltentsandfoodcarts.

The“set”isafunctioningfishingvillage,whoseelderlyresidentsarebeingcompensatedfortheuseoftheirhomesandbusinesses.
Theywerealsoextendedinvitationstoactasextrasinthedramaitself,withmanyofthemtakinguptheofferifonlyto
impresstheirgrandchildren.

“MinSori-ssi,WooHyemi-ssi.”Amanwearingblackmetalframesunglasseswithorangegradientlensesandstubbleonhischin—presumablythedrama’sdirector—greetsusuponarrival.Whilegivingusabrieftouroftheset,heexplainstheday’sschedule.Hyemiwillfilmherfirstscenebythebeach,whichiswhereshe’lldiscoverthemagicalconchshell,andthenI’llfilmminebythetidepools.Andthenlatertonight,NathanielandIwillfilmourscenetogetherinthebathhouse.
Aswewalkfromthebeachtowardtheactors’tent,Inoticeadazed-lookingwomanwalkingalongthecoastlineholdingtwo
cupsofcoffeeanddrinkingfromboth.

Thedirectorfollowsmygaze.“That’sthescriptwriter,”hewhispers.“Let’snotbotherher.”
Overbythetents,Sunloungesbeneathalargeumbrella,sunglassesonthebridgeofhisnose.He’salsodrinkingcoffee,
thoughheonlyhasasingleicedamericano.

“Youngminsentoveracoffeetruck,”Sunsays,raisinghiscup.“Helpyourself.”Henodstoindicateabrightlycoloredcoffee
trucksetupbetweenthetents.Twobaristasinmatchinggreen-stripeduniformstakeordersfromashortlineofcrewmembers.
ThedrinksarealreadyprepaidbyYoungmin,hisfacedepictedonabannerthatrunsatopthetruckwithamessagetoSun:
CONGRATULATIONSTOTHESEAPRINCE,OHSUN!FIGHTING!
“Maybelater,”Isay,mystomachfeelingalittlequeasynowthatI’mabouttofilmmyscenes.
“Where’sNathaniel?”Sunasks.“Ithoughthe’dcomewithyoufromJoah.”
AtthementionofNathaniel’sname,myheartstartstopoundfaster.Ihaven’tseenhimsincemytalkwithJenny.WhenIgotbacktothehouse,hewasonacall,andsoI’dhurriedupstairs.It’sunreasonable,butIhavethissuddenfearthathe’llknow,withoneglanceatmyface,thatI’vebeenthinkingaboutbeingwithhimagain,andI’mnotreadyforthatconversation,notuntilItalkwithmymother.
“He’scominglaterwithJiSeok-oppa,”ItellSun.
“Hyemi-ssi,”Sunsays,havingapparentlyjustnoticedHyemihoveringbehindme.“Hello.”
Shegiveshimaninety-degreebow.“Thankyousomuchforinvitingme.”
Henod-bowsbacktoher.“IfI’mforcedtoendureNathaniel’scompany,”hedrones,“I,atleast,canhavethepleasureof
yours.”

“Oh,butNathaniel-seonbaeismuchmoretalentedandcharmingthanIam,”Hyemisays.
“Iseeyou’reaNathanielfan,”Sundrawls.
“Ilikeyoutoo!Imean…”Herentirefaceturnsbeetred.
Iintervene,throwingaprotectivearmaroundHyemi’sshoulders,thenleadheraway.She’sduetocostumeandmakeupanyway.
“Don’tletSunteaseyou,”Isay.“HewantsyoutosayyoulikehimbestinXOXO,buthe’stoooldforyou.Youshouldprefer
someoneclosertoyourage.”JustlikeIpreferNathaniel,whowasborninthesameyearasme.

“Nottooclose,”shesays,sosoftIalmostdon’tcatchit.
Iraiseabrow,lettingmyarmdropasshewalksahead.She’snotinterestedinYoungmin,then.WhichleavesJaewoo.Iwatch
herpityingly.She’sinforheartbreak,asJaewooisverymuchaboyalreadyinlove.

IonlyhavetimetoseeHyemistartherscenebeforeI’mrushedtohairandmakeup.
Steppinginsidethetent,I’msurprisedtodiscoverthatthehairstylistisnoneotherthanKimSoobin,myfriendwho’dsaved
HyemiandmebeforeourrecordingofCatchMeIfYouCan
“Eonni!”Isqueal.
“Sori-yah!”
“Thankyouforlettingmeborrowyouroutfittheotherday,”Isay,afterwehug.“Youwerealifesaver.”
“Itwasexcitingtoseemyclothesontheepisode!”Shegiggles.
Hergirlfriend,RALA,isthemakeupartist,andtogethertheyblowoutmyhairandaffixmewithrhinestones.
Whenthecostumedesigner—athinmanwithashavenheadandtortoiseshellglasses—arrivescarryingagarmentbag,Soobinintroduces
me.“Thisisourmermaid,MinSori.”

Hisblueeyes—coloredlenses,presumably—widen.“Oh,youareperfect.”Hehurriesforward,unzippingthegarmentbag.“Yoursecretaryalreadysentoveryourmeasurements.Thisiswhatwewere
thinking.”Insideisacorsetedbodysuitintricatelybeadedwithpearlsandstonesinaquamarine,cobalt,andsapphireblue.
Thecostumeisshoulderless,andwhileit’llcovermystomachandchest,itwon’tcovermuchelse.Healsoholdsupapair
ofblackshorts.“You’llweartheseunderneath,ofcourse.”

Herubsthetopofhishead.“Iknowit’salittlemuch…”
“It’sstunning,”Isay.Andprobablywildlyuncomfortable,butI’denduremuchinthenameoffashion.
Ismileathim.He’sclearlyagenius.“I’dbehonoredtowearit.”
“It’sgoingtofitsnugagainstyourchest,isthatallright?We’llalsoprobablyhavetosewyouin.Youatetoday,right?Anddrankplentyofwater?”
Ihesitate,thensay,“Yes.”Whichisn’tquitethetruth.Iwastoonervoustodomuchofeither,butI’mfeelingfine,fueledbynervesandadrenaline.

Iundressbehindascreenforprivacy,andputonthecorset,steppingoutwiththebackuntied.Ibreatheinashetightens
thestringsofthecorset,andthenbreatheout,feelingthepressureagainstmychest.

“Doesithurt?”thedesignerasks.“Icanloosenitifit’suncomfortable.”
Itakeseveraldeepbreaths.It’salittletight,whichmakesmeataduneasy,but…“I’mfine,”Ireassurehim.
Hegesturesmeovertoafloor-lengthmirror.“Whatdoyouthink?Wedon’twanttoshowtoomuchcleavageorwe’llgetcensored.”
Helaughs,asifhe’sjoking,butIhaveafeelingheisn’t.“Yourlonghairwillcovermostofit.”

Istudymyreflectioninthemirror,turningaroundtoadmiretheoutfitfromallsides.Thestructuredcorsetisfittedperfectly
tomybody,clingingtomychest,narrowingatthewaist,andflaringslightlyatthehips.WithSoobin’smakeupandthecostume,
theeffectisstunning.“Iloveit,”Igush.

Anassistantbringsmearobetowearoverthecostume,thenescortsmefromthetentstomyfirstfilminglocation,atidepool
thatthesetdesignershaveaccentedwithfakestarfishandjewels.Afogmachinebillowsawhitevaporoustrailoverthe
pool,givingitadreamy,mysticalatmosphere
Afterremovingmyrobe,adifferentproductionassistanthelpsmestepintothepool,andIfindaspottositthatisn’ttoouncomfortable.IhopeI’mnotdisturbingsomepoorcrustacean.

“Inthisscenewewanttogiveoffamysterious,etherealaura,”thedirectorsaysfrombehindthecamera.“You’reabeautiful
mermaid,caughtinatidepoolwithamissiontodeliveramessagefromtheSeaKingtohisson,butalas,youcannotspeak
outsidethewater!Whattodo!”I’mcaughtupinthedirector’sfervor,noddingalong.“Perfect,holdthatfaceexactly.”
Hefilmsmefromdifferentangles,movingthecameraalongatemporarytrack.“Nowshiver,likeyou’recold.Youlongfor
warmerwaters.Ifonlytherewasaplaceyoucouldgo.”

It’salotlikemodeling,sinceIdon’thaveanylines.I’mgratefultothescriptwriterwhofoundaworkaroundsoIwouldn’t
havetospeak.Soonthedirectoryells,“Cut!”

“Thatwasperfect,Sori-ssi,”hesays.“You’reanaturaloncamera.”
Istepoutofthepool,eagerlyreachingfortherobe,thistimeforwarmth.
Onthewaybacktothetents,there’sacrowdgatheredoutsideYoungmin’scart.Sunisnowhereinsight,presumablyhaving
lefttofilmhissceneswiththeleadactress.

IapproachHyemi,who’swaitingbythecart,hercheeksflushed.She’sstillwearingherschooluniform,hercharacter’sname
printedonasmallmetaltagaffixedtoherblazer.“What’sallthecommotion?”Iask.

“Nathanielwasjusthere,”shesays,hereyesbright.“Hewastakingphotoswithsomeofthestaffmembers.Itookonewith
himtoo.Wanttosee?”

Sheholdsupherphone.Inthepicture,Hyemiposesback-to-backwithNathaniel,herhandraisedhalfwaytoherface,caughtmid-laughter.Hemusthavesaidsomethingtoamuseher.ThenmygazetravelstoNathaniel.He’slaughingtoo,nosescrunched,dimplesonfulldisplay.I’marrestedbythesight,feelingslightlyoutofbreath,whichisn’tconducivetowearingacorset.
I’mjustlookingathiminaphoto,andthisishowIfeel.HowwillIfeellatertonightwhenwefilmourscenetogether?Ineedtomakesurehedoesn’tsuspect
anythinghaschanged;nothinghas,atleastnotoutwardly.Ijustneedtohidemyfeelingsfromhimalittlelonger.I’vedoneitforthepasttwoyears,what’stwomorenights?
Twenty-four
Theproductioncrewhascommandeeredtheonlybathhouseinthevillageforourscene.Oldtileslinethebathingareainthe
women’squarterswherethreepoolssitsnugamongshowerstallsandatinykilnsauna.Whileit’semptynow,Iimagineduring
thedayit’sfilledwithlocalwomen,gossipingabouttheirneighborswhilebathing.

MymotherusedtotakemetoourlocalbathhousewhenIwasyounger,beforeshestartedtoreallygetbusywithJoah.We’d
scrubeachother’sbacksbeforesoakinginthepools.She’dbuymesikhye,andI’dlickmylipsbetweeneverysipofthesweet
ricedrink,arefreshingcoolnessaftertheheatedrooms.Thenwe’drestinthecommonarea,ourheadsonblockpillows,reading
manhwaandgigglingattheheroines’romanticadventures.Arushofwarmthenvelopsmeatthememory.Maybeonceeverything
settlesdownatthecompany,wecangobackthereagain,justthetwoofus.

Iturnasthedoorsopen,andNathanielenterswiththerestofthecrew.He’sdressedinthepajama-likeuniformscustomary
tobathhouses,alargeshirtpairedwithdrawstringshorts.Atophisheadisatowelshapedtoresembleasheep’shead.I’d
laughifIwasn’tsonervous.

Heimmediatelyspotsme,walkingover.“Hey.”
“Youlookcomfortable,”Isay,tryingtokeepmyvoicecasual.
Hesmilescrookedly.“I’mguessingyourcostumeisalotmoreelaboratethanmine.”
“Yes.”Iblush,feelingsuddenlyverynakedbeneathmyrobe.
Hetiltshisheadtotheside.
Istepawayfromhim,feigninglikeIneedtogetmymakeuptouchedup.IscurryofftowardSoobinandRALA,butnotbefore
Iseethelookofconfusiononhisface.

Mystomachchurnswithguilt.He’sdonenothingwrong.I’mtheonewhocan’tcontrolmyfeelings.

“Sori-yah,issomethingthematter?”Soobinsays.“Youlookalittlepale.Isthecorsettootight?Icanloosenit.”But
asshemakesthesuggestion,Icanseehermouththininworry;looseningitmightcausethewholecostumetofalloff,the
thoughtofwhichmakesmemorepanickedthanIalreadyam.

“I’mokay.Ijusthavetomakeitthroughthisonelastscene.”
ThesetupisthatNathaniel’scharactercomesuponminetakingadipinthesteaminghotwaterafterthebathhousehasclosed
forthenight.

Iwatchasthecrewpositionsthelightsandcamerasaroundthepool,mynervesgrowingstrongerwitheveryminutethatpasses.
Thesceneatthetidepoolhadn’tfeltthisintimate,maybebecausewewereoutdoors.Inthisenclosedsetting,withallthe
lightscenteredonthepool,I’mmoreexposed.

Thedirectorleadsmetotheedgeofthepool.“You’regoingtoswimaroundabit.”Hemoveshisarminacircularmotion.
“Andthensurfaceneartheedge.”Hetapshisshowerslipperbythepool’sedge.“Nathanielwillbewaitingforyou.After
hespeakshisline,you’llrelaytohimtheimportantmessagetheSeaKinghassentyoutothehumanworldtodeliver.”

I’mnoddingalong,butfrownatthis.“ButIthoughtIcouldn’tspeak.”
Headjustshissunglasses,whichhecontinuestowearthoughit’snoweveningandwe’reinside.“Andso,youmustrelaythe
messagetohiminthewayofthemermaids.Withakiss.”

Iblinkatthedirector,thenblinkagain.“That’snotinthescript,”Isay.
“Yes,”thedirectoracknowledges.Withacheckeredhandkerchief,hewipessweatfromhisbrow.“Whenthescriptwriterdiscovered
theplothole,shethoughtofthissolution.Butonlyifyou’recomfortable…”

Mystomachflutters,andIturntoNathaniel,who’swalkingtowardme.Iexpecthimtotease,buthe’suncharacteristically
shy,scratchingathisneckbeneaththecollarofhisshirt.“Doyou…?Wedon’thaveto…”

“Ithinkit’sokay,”Isay,alittlebreathless.“ForSun’sshow…”
“Okay,”hesays.“Ifatanytimeyoudon’twantto…”
Inod.“Okay.”
“Sori-ssi,”thedirectornodstome,“wheneveryou’reready.”
Irealizehemeansformetodisrobe,whileeveryone’swatching.Itakeadeepbreath,channelingmyinnermermaid,oratleastactress.Thecostumeisgorgeous,anditscustom-madeto
myproportions—I’mproudtowearit.Iuntietheknotofmyrobeandletitfallfrommyshoulders.

There’sanaudiblegaspfromthecrewthathadn’tbeenpresentatthetidepoolshoot.Ithrowbackmyshoulders,showingoffthecostumetoitsbestadvantage.Idolshavewornmorerisquéoutfitsthanthisonstage;I’vewornmorerisquéoutfitsonthecatwalk.There’snoreasontofeelshy.IriskaglanceatNathaniel.Hisgaze,whichhad
beenlingeringonmycostume,raisestomeetmine.Myheartstuttersattheheatinhiseyes,andthealreadywarmtemperature
intheroomseemstoraiseanotch.

BeforeIgoentirelyupinflames,Iturnfromhimandheadtothepool,quicklysubmergingmyselfintothewater.Ican’t
evencooldownbecausethewaterisoverfortydegreescelsius.

“Sori-ssi,”thedirectorsays,positionednowbehindthecamera,“yourememberwhatwediscussed?Swim,swim,swim,andthen
emergeprettilybytheedgeofthepool.Likeafairy.”

Afairymermaid,gotit.Icandothis.

Takingadeepbreath,Idipbelowthesurface,silentlythankingmymotherforallthoseswimminglessonsgrowingup.Koreaisapeninsula,she’dsaid.Youmustlearnhowtoswimoryouwon’tsurvive.NowthatIthinkaboutit,Iwonderifshe’dmeantthosewordsasametaphor.

ImoveinwhatIhopeisagracefulmotionbeneaththewater,tryingtokeepmylegstogethertomakeiteasierfortheeditor
toaddinatailduringpost-production.Stillsubmerged,Iswimtowardtheedge,plantingmyfeetatthebottomofthepool
toorientmygracefulemergence.

Thewatercascadesoffthetopofmyhead,overmynoseandcheeks.Idon’tgaspforairbuttakesmallbreathstogivethe
illusionthatIdon’tneedairtobreathe.Icanfeelthewatercatchingonmylashes,andIhavetoresisttheurgetoraise
myhandandwipethemaway.Nathanielcomesintofocusaboveme.He’skneelingbythepool,lookingdownatme.

Hedoesn’tspeak;instead,hisgazerovesovermyhair,myeyes,mylips.Hehasaline,thoughIcan’trecallwhattheexactwordsare,somethingaboutaskingmewhyI’minthepool.Ican’tdelivermymessageuntilhesayshisline.Didheforgetit?We’regoingtomisstheshot.Myheartraces.Ihavetodosomething.Grippingtheedgeofthepool,Iliftmyselfoutofthewaterandpressmylipstohis.

It’sbrief.Idon’thaveenoughupperbodystrengthtoholdmyselfabovethewaterforlongerthanapeck.Mylipspart.He
gaspssoftly.WhenIreleasehim,hislipsfollowmine,asifseekingmore,butI’malreadyfallingbackintothewater.

Iswallowabitofit,makingthenexttimeIemergealotlessgraceful.
“Thatwasperfect!”thedirectorshouts,hisvoiceechoinginthechamber.“Beautiful.Emotional!Suchon-screenchemistry!”
Iglancetowardthecornertoseethescriptwriteriswipingatearfromhereye.
Isighwithreliefthatwewon’thavetofilmitasecondtime,evenifNathanielneverspokehisline.It’sveryhotinthe
pool,andI’mfeelingoutofbreathwithhavinghadtoholditforsolong.

AsImovetowardthestairs,theroomtakesasuddendive.
“Sori?”Nathaniel’svoiceissharp.
“Ican’t—”Istart,thenrealizeIcan’tbreathe.Istarttopanic.Theroomspins.
There’saloudsplash,andthenIfeelarmsliftingmefromthewater.Nathaniel.He’sjumpedintothepool.Ifeelhimturn
mearoundinthewater,andthenhe’spullingatthebackofmycorsetinrough,jerkymotions.

Thepressureonmychestreleases,andIgaspinalungfulofair.
Lettinggoofmebriefly,Nathanielpullshisshirtoverhishead,throwingitovermyexposedbackandusinghisbodytoblockminefromtheroom.
“Canyoubreathenow?”heasks,hisvoicegentlebutstrained.
“Yes.”
“I’mgoingtocarryyou.”
Inod,andheslideshisarmbeneathmylegs.Ihookmyarmsaroundhisneckasheliftsmebodilyfromthewater.I’mso
embarrassedthatIburymyfaceinhisnecktoavoidthestaresofthecrew,allofwhomareexpressinghighlevelsofconcern.

Everythingisablurfromthere.Nathanieltakesmetotheon-sitemedic,afriendlywomanwhochecksmyvitalsandgives
meanIVforfluids.Afewminuteslater,SecretaryParkrushesintothetent.“Itextedyourmother.She’sonherwayfrom
Japan.”Thereisn’tenoughroomforthetwoofthemandthemedic,soNathanielmovesoutofthetent.Ifeelbereft,watching
himgo.

“Sheisn’tcomingbackearlybecauseofthis?”IaskSecretaryPark,feelinganxious.IknowhermeetinginJapanwasimportant.
“TellherthatI’mallright.Thatshedoesn’tneedtocome.”

IcanseeSecretaryParkwarringwithherself,weighingwhatherbossneedstodoforthecompanyagainstwhatsheneedsto
doforherdaughter.“Areyousure?”sheasksfinally.

“Yes,”Isay,“Ijustneedrest.”Iraisemyarmthat’sattachedtotheIV.“Thiswilldoeverythingelse.”
“Okay.I’lltellher.”Shehesitates.“I’mgladyou’reallright.”Shepatsmylegandthenleaves.
Ieventuallyfallasleep,wakinguptofindthemedicgoneandNathanielinthechairbesideme.He’srestinghisheadonthecot,hisfaceturnedawayfrommineandtowardmyoutstretchedarmthat’shookeduptotheIV.Iwonder,briefly,ifhe’sasleep,butwhenImovemyhand,hestirs,thoughhedoesn’tturntofaceme.
“Neverwearsomethinglikethatagain,”hesays.Hisvoiceisslightlymuffledbytheblanket.Ican’tseehisexpression,
butthere’sacatchinhisvoice,andIrealizehowscaryitmusthavebeenforhimtoseemefaint.Myheartsoftens.

“Theregoesmyshort-livedstintasamermaid,”Itease.
Heturnshisheadontheblanket,acreasebetweenhisbrows.“I’mgladyoucanjokeaboutit.”
Iraisemyhandandbrushthehairthat’sfallenoverhiseyes.“Youlooksoserious.It’sunlikeyou.”
“Iwasreallyscared,Sori.Youweresopale.”
“Youactedfast,forbeingsoscared,”Isay,rememberinghowhejumpedintothewaterwithouthesitation.
“Well,Ididn’twanttomissanopportunitytoundressyou.”
“That’smyNathaniel,”Isaysoftly.
Hedoesn’tsayanything,andIfeelmypulserace,whichprobablyisn’tgoodformyhealth.
“Itwasprettywhileitlasted,”Isay,toeasethetension.“Thecostume,thatis.”
“Itwasbeautiful,”hesays.
Iopenmyhand,andheslideshisovermine.
Wefallasleeplikethat,holdinghands.Sometimelater,Iwaketofindhimgone.Sunissteppingintothetent,lettingthe
flapfallbehindhim.HewalksovertotheIVbag,checkingitasifheknowswhathe’sdoing.

“Where’sNathaniel?”Iask.
“Isenthimout.Heneededtorest.”HetakesNathaniel’schair,leaningbackwardslightly.
Neitherofusspeaks.Sun’sexpressionisthoughtful.Iwonderhowmuchheknows.Sunisperceptive.Hemightnotknowthat
Nathaniel’sbeenlivingwithme,buthe’llseethatwe’vegrowncloserinthepasttwoweeks.

“Areyougoingtosaysomethingtoscaremeawayfromhim?IknowwhatyousaidtoJenny.”WhenJaewooandJennyfirststarted
dating,Suntriedtofrightenheroff.Jennythinkshewastryingto“test”herandprotectJaewoofromapotentialscandal,
butIthinkhewasjustbeingajerk.

“Ididsaysomething,didn’tI?”Hescratcheshischin.“Damn,I’masnosyasmygrandfather.”Hechucklestohimself,asifalmostcausingJennyandJaewootobreakupamuseshim.

“Evenso,”hesays,watchingmewithhisdarkeyes,“Idon’tthinkanythingcouldscareyou,MinSori.”
“I’mgoingtotalktomymotherwhenwegetbacktoSeoul,aboutthepossibilityofdatinghimagain.Iwantto.IwantNathaniel.”
Sunliftsasinglebrow.“Whenyouputitthatway,”hesaysslowly,“Idon’tthinkanyonecoulddenyyou.EvenI’mblushing
alittle.”

“Really?”Ifrown.“Youlookpale.”
“I’mblushinginside.”

Hestands.“IcamebybecauseIwantedtomakesureyouwereallright.And…”—reachingoutahand,hebrushesastrand
ofhairfrommyface—“Jennywasastrangertome.You’renot.I’llalwaysbeonyourside.”

Oddly,Ifeeltearsprickthecornersofmyeyes.Suncanbesarcasticandaloof,buthe’salwayslookedoutformybestinterests,likeanolderbrother.Thebestkind.“Thanks,Oppa.”
“I’mgladyou’refeelingbetter,”hesays.Thenafterashortpause,adds,“ThoughIshouldhaveknownyouandNathanielwould
bringdramatomydramaset.”
Twenty-five
I’mtransferredtoasmallcozyclinicforthenight—onrecommendationbythemedic—whiletherestofthecrewheadstoSeoul.
SinceSecretaryParkremainsbehindwithme,JiSeokofferstodriveHyemibackwithNathanielandSun.SecretaryParkhas
tothreatenmewithcallingmymothertogetmetoagreetostay.

“You’renohelptoHyemiifyoufaintagain,”sheinsists.
She’sright,ofcourse.It’sjustthat,tomorrowisASAP’sdebut,andIwanttomakesureeverythinggoessmoothly.Iknow
there’sawholeteamtoensurethat.ButHyemiismyresponsibility,mymotherentrustedmewithher,andIwanttoseeherjourneythroughtotheend.

Thoughit’sreallythebeginning.
Thebeginningofherlifeasanidol.Thebeginningofmylife,theoneIchoseformyself,whereIcanpursuewhateveritisthatIwant.Thoughfornow,Iwouldliketoworkon
ASAP’steamawhilelonger.There’ssomuchstilltodo,frompreparingfortheirpromotioncycletotheirfull-lengthalbum.
DirectorRyu,theotherday,spokeaboutalbumdesignandconcepts.

EvenifIcan’tspendthewholeoftodaywithHyemiandtheothers,atleastI’llmakeittotheshowcase.Also,there’sthe
surprisepartyafterward,whichafewjuniorstaffmembersandIplanned.TheASAPgirlsaren’tawareofit,andI’mlooking
forwardtotheirreactions.

Thenextmorning,theclinic’sdoctor,asweetgrandmother-typewhoseelderlypatientsvisitmoreforgossipthanailments,teachesmeGo—withherownboardandsetofdistinctblackandwhiteplayingstones—whilewewaitformybloodresultstocomebackclear.AfterI’mdischarged,it’sanotherthree-hourtrainridetoSeoul.Ionlyhavetimetogohome,shower,andchangebeforeIhavetoheadtothearena.
Thehouseisempty,withAjummahavinggonetoherdaughter’shome,andNathanielhavingspentthenightatSun’s—hecouldn’t
exactlyaskJiSeoktodrophimoffatmyhouse.Onthecarrideovertothearena,IsendNathanielatextmessage.I’mhavingasurprisepartyfortheASAPmembersaftertheshowcase.Igivehimthenameandaddressoftherestaurant.Doyouthinkyoucanmakeit?
Afewminuteslater,myphonechirpswithhisresponse:I’llbethere.
Myheartracesatthethoughtofseeinghim.
Lastnight,whenwefellasleepholdinghands,somethingpassedbetweenus.IfeelthatifIdon’tsaysomethingsoon,then
hemight.

Ifmymothercomestotheparty—SecretaryParkletmeknowthere’sapossibility—thenIcantalktoher.IcouldtellNathaniel
myfeelingsasearlyastonight
Whatwillhesay?Whatwillhedo?

Itakeadeepbreath,loweringmyphone.IfIkeeponthinkingaboutwhatmighthappenwithNathaniel,it’sallI’llthinkabout,soIpushthosethoughtstothebackofmymind.TonightisaboutHyemi,ASAP,andtheentireteamatJoah.

Isendthesametext,invitingtherestoftheXOXOmembers.
ThevenuefortheshowcaseisatSowonarena,whichlikethehotelwiththesamename,isownedbySun’sgrandfather’scompany,
TKGroup.Sowonisnormallyusedtohostsportingevents,butlastnightandthismorning,itwastransformedintoaconcert
arena,outfittedwithastageandovertwothousandfivehundredseats.Ticketsfortheshowcasewereavailablethrougha
randomrafflesystem,allofwhichwereclaimedwithinanhourofitsposting.

Hyemi’salreadydressedinherperformanceoutfitwhenIfindher,wearingacorsetoveraloosewhitedress,herlong,light
brownhairbraidedintoacrownatopherhead.

“Seonbae!”Hyemishoutsoverthenoiseofthecrowdeddressingroom.“You’rehere!Areyousureyou’refeelingokay,though?
Nathanieltoldmewhathappened.”

“I’mfine.Whataboutyou?Thatcorsetisn’ttootight,isit?”Ipullatthetop,andIseethatit’smadeofastretchy
fabricinsteadofthemorestructuredmaterialofmymermaidcostume.

Shelaughsatmyconcern,hereyestwinkling.“You’resofunny,Seonbae.”I’dexpectedhertobemorenervous,butshe’sglowing.
“Arethemembersready?”avoicecallsfromthedoorway.“Theyneedtobeonstageinfifteenminutes.”
“Ihavetogotothebathroom!”Jiyoo,dressedinaflouncydressthathitsherknees,shouts.“DoIhavetimetogotothe
bathroom?”Shedoesn’twaitforananswer,racingoff.

AmakeupartistgrabsHyemi,pullinghertowardtheBroadwaymirrorswhereoneoftheothermembersisfinishingupwithhair
andmakeup.

Anothermemberpracticeschoreographyinthebackoftheroom,whileanotherstandsinfrontofapedestalfan,nervouslychuggingfromherwaterbottle.WhensheseesJiyoosprintpast,shestopsdrinking,hereyesgoingwideanddroppingtoherbottleinhorror.
Thecameracrewthat’sfilmingASAP’sdocumentarycaptureseverymessy,excitement-inducingmoment.
“MinSori-ssi?”DirectorRyu’sassistantstandstotheside.“We’rehavingabitofanissue.DirectorRyusaidyoumight
beabletohelp.Couldyoucomewithmeforasecond?”

IcheckonelasttimeonHyemi—she’sholdinghandswithoneoftheothermembers,talkingtoherexcitedly—andfollowDirector
Ryu’sassistanttoanotherroomwhereagroupofstaffmemberssurroundacouch.Sittingonit,sobbinguncontrollably,is
SunYe.

“Whatgoingon?”Isay,alarmed.
DirectorRyugesturesmeovertotheside.Shedoesn’tappearworried,liketheothers.“Ithinkshejustneedssomeoneto
talkto.It’shardbeingtheleader.CanIleaveSunYeinyourhands?”

Inod,thoughIdon’tknowwhyshethinksI’mtheonewhoshouldspeaktoSunYe.

“Ithink…”DirectorRyusays,apparentlyabletoreadmymind,“youmightunderstandherbetterthananyoneelse.”
Sheturnstowardtheroom.“Caneveryoneleaveforafewminutes?”
Astheroomempties,Ipickupamugandfillitwithhotwaterfromthedispenser,thenbringitovertoSunYe.
“SunYe-yah,”Isay,sittingdownbesideher.“What’swrong?Areyoufeelingsick?”
“I’msorry,Sori-yah.”Shesniffles.“Idon’tthinkIcandothis.”
ImighthaveexpectednervesfromHyemiorJiyoo,theyoungestmembers,butnotSunYe.Notjustbecauseshe’stheoldest
andhastrainedthelongest,butbecauseshe’salwayssoconfident,atleastoutwardlyso.ButIshouldknowbetterthanmost
thatpeopleoftensaywhattheydon’tmean.

“Tellme,”Isay.
“It’stoomuchresponsibility.WhatifIfailtheothermembers?I’msupposedtobetheirleader,butwhatifI’mterrible
atit?AndI’msomucholderthaneveryoneelse.IalreadyreadanarticlethatsaidIraisedtheaverageageofthegroup
byayear.”

Theurgetofindwhoeverpostedthatandyellatthemovertheinternetisoverwhelming.
“Haveyoubeenthinkingthesethoughtsforawhile?”Iask.“Youshouldhavetoldsomeone.”
“Ididn’twantthemtokickmeofftheteam.”
“Theywouldn’thave.DirectorRyuandtheothersunderstandhowtoughitis,especiallyasthegroup’sleader.”
SunYeshakesherhead,herthumbcirclingtherimofthemug.
Itakeadeepbreath,thinkingofwhatIwouldwanttohearifIwereinSunYe’sshoes.DirectorRyuaskedmespecifically
tospeakwithherforareason.Ithinkyoumightunderstandherbetterthananyoneelse.
“We’vebeenherethelongest,youandI.Thisindustryisn’teasy,andit’salwaystougherongirls.Strangersjudgeusbecause
we’retooold,becausewe’retoofat,becausewe’retoosmart,butthat’swhythisindustryneedsyou,sothatpeoplecanlookatyouandseehowbeautifulandtalentedyouare.Howstubbornandinsecure—”
“Ithoughtyouwerecomplimentingme,”SunYesniffs.
“Andrealizethatmaybeyou’renotthemostperfectidolintheworldbutthatdoesn’tmeanyou’renotperfectforthefan
whowillneedyouthemost.”

Asafanmyself,that’showIfeel.It’sthefeelingofwhenyouconnecttothatonespecialpersoninagroupandtheybecomeacomforttoyou,someone
youcanadmirefromafarandcheeron.Aftertoday,SunYewillbecomethatpersonforsomanypeople,aswillHyemiandthe
otherASAPmembers.

“You’regoingtobringsomuchjoyandcomforttothousandsofpeople,”Isay.“Maybeevenmillions.That’swhatbeingan
idolis.”

“Mymakeupisallmessedup,”SunYesays,dabbingatissueathereyes.
“We’llgetoneofthemakeupartistsinhere,”Ireassureher.“Isawatleastfiveinthehalljustnow.”
“Thanks,Sori-yah.Youwouldhavemadeagreatidol,youknow.”
“Maybe.ButIthinkI’malittletooselfish.Iwanttomakemyselfhappyfirst,andIwanttogivemyselfonlytoafewpeople,
noteveryone.”

Foralongtime,IthoughtIwastheopposite,thatIwantedtobringjoytoasmanypeopleaspossible,becausethenthey
wouldlovemeinreturn.ButIrealizedthat’snotme.I’mcontentbeinglovedandappreciatedbythefewpeoplewhoIlove
andappreciate.That’senoughforme.

SunYetakesmyhand,squeezing.“Thepeopleyougiveyourselftoarelucky,MinSori.”
IcalloneofthemakeupartistsintotheroomandwaituntilSunYeisreadybeforefollowingherout.
TheotherASAPmembershavealreadyheadedtothestage,soImakemywaytothebackofthearena,whereI’llbeableto
watchthestagewiththerestoftheaudience.Icouldwatchfromoneofthemonitorsbackstage,butIwanttoexperiencetheperformance,asifIwereoneofthefans.Because
Iam.

Onmyway,IcatchsightofHyemi’sfatherseatedamongotherimportant-lookingpeopleinbusinesssuits,mymotheramong
them.Likebefore,Inoticethedarkcirclesbeneathhereyes,thoughshe’smanagedtocoverthemwellwithconcealer.Has
Hyemi’sfathersignedthecontract?Ifhehasn’talready,thentomorrow,forsure
TheMCwalksonstagetowelcometheaudience.ASAPwillperformtwosongsduringtheshowcase,theirtitletrackandtheir
Bside,amellowpopsongcalled“BlueHeart.”

Thebackpartofthestageopens,revealingallsixmembersstandingtogether—asagroup,theycreateabeautifulsilhouette.
Thenthefirstnotesof“WakeUp”begintoplayandtheaudienceeruptsintocheers.

Atfirst,I’mnervous,butitsoonbecomesclearthatalltheirhardworkpaidoffbecausetheirmovementsareclean,asifthey’vedancedthischoreographyhundredsoftimes,becausetheyhave.Theytransformonstage,leavingbehindalltheirinsecuritiesandworries.SunYegivesnohintthatshewascryingonlyminutesbefore,herexpressionfearless.Timid,sweetJiyooisamonsterwiththechoreography,attackingeverymove,andHyemi…
Hyemiisaflirt!Sheteasestheaudience,hereyecontactwiththecamerasunparalleled,herconfidencemesmerizing.

Likethecrowd,I’mentirelysweptawaywiththeirperformance.
StaringattheASAPmembers,IsearchmyheartforanylingeringfeelingsImighthaveovermydecisionnottodebut.Itold
SunYeIdidn’twanttobeanidol,butisthereapartofmethatwishesI’dstucktothatpath,thatfeels…regret?

Theanswercomestome,clearandwithoutdoubt:Idon’t.
AllIfeelishappinessforthegirls,andprideinmyself,thatIhelpedgetHyemithisfar.AndIknowthatevenifI’m
notinthegroup,I’llbeapartofASAPforever.

Thehappinessspreadsoutward,anditfeelsalmostlikeapresencearoundme,echoedbacktomebytheenergyofthecrowd.
Itriseswithinmelikeawave,afeelingsopowerfulitmakesmefeelpowerful,likeIcanhaveeverything—acareerthatgivesmepurpose,friendsthatgivemestrength,andNathaniel.I
canhavehim,aswell.

Attheendoftheperformance,whentheaudiencecheers,Ithinkmyvoicemightbetheloudest.Twenty-six
“Surprise!”
Thegirlsburstintotears,walkingintotherestaurantbeneaththeloudsoundsofpoppersandpartyblowers,andenthusiastic
clappingandcheersfromthestaff.Pinkandgoldstreamerscascadearoundthem,catchingintheirhair.They’vechangedout
oftheirconcertoutfitsintocasualclothing,oversizedsweatpantsandhoodies.Whentheyseethateveryoneintheroomis
wearingT-shirtsemblazonedwith“ASAP’sDebutShowcase”andthedate,theycryevenharder.

Imakeeyecontactwithajuniorstaffmemberandtogetherwehurrytothebackoftheroomtolightthecandlesonthecustom
cake—abeautiful,two-tieredcakewithblueandpinkpipedflowersand“Congratulations”inwhiteletteringalongthetop.
Aswebringitout,thecrewsings“HappyBirthday.”

Asone,allsixmembersblowoutthecandles.Youngmin’sgotaholdofaconfetticannon,anditexplodesovertheroomto
morecheers.

“Thankyouallsomuchforsupportingus,”SunYesays,crying,butfromhappinessthistime.“Wecouldn’thavedoneitwithout
you.Iknowit’sbeenatoughfewweeks…andyears…”HereyestraveltothegirlswhocamefromDreamMusic.“The
roadwillbedifficultstill,butbecauseofthisteam,becauseoftheothermemberswhogivemehopeandinspiremetobe
abetterleader,Ilookforwardtothejourney.Pleasecontinuetosupportus.”

Together,theASAPmembersbowdeeply.
Thepartyisn’tscheduledforlong,asASAPhasrecordingsbookedfortheweekendmusicshows,includingEBC’sMusicNet,
butit’simportanttocelebrateasmanymomentsaspossiblealongtheway.

“Thiswasagoodidea,Sori.I’mgladyousuggestedit.”DirectorRyustandsbesideme,champagnefluteinhand.“Wewould
havedonesomethingatthecompany,butthisisbetter.Andwehaveentertainment.”

Thesingingcoachbroughtakaraokemachinewithher,andYoungminandafewoftheboytraineesperform“WakeUp,”having,
ofcourse,memorizedtheentirechoreographybyheart.

“Doyouknowwhenmymotheriscoming?”IaskDirectorRyu.
“Oh,shedidn’ttellyou?Shecouldn’tmakeit.She’stakingafewofthesponsorsouttoarestaurant.”
Mystomachdrops.She’snot…coming?
DirectorRyupatsmeontheshoulder.“I’msureshewouldhavelikedtobeheretoo.”
ShethinksI’mdisappointed,andIam.ButI’malso…frustrated.Tonightwouldhavebeentheperfectopportunitytospeak
withher.ThesuccessfuldebutofASAPisatriumphforbothofus.Therecouldn’tbeabettertimetoapproachherabout
Nathanielandme.NowI’llhavetowaitevenlonger.

Thedooropens.Myeyesflytothedoorintimetoseeajuniorstaffmemberenter.
JaewooalreadytextedafterIsenttheinvitationtoletmeknowhecouldn’tmakeit,sincehe’sstillinBusanwithhisfamily,
butSunandNathanielshouldbehereanymoment.

Tenminutespass—Jiyooscreams,announcingtotheroomthatASAPistrending#1onallthemajorsites—thenanotherfifteen.
“Areyouwaitingforsomeone,Seonbae?”
Hyemistandsbehindme.IthoughtI’dbeendiscreet,butapparentlynot.
“No,I’mjust…”Herheadistiltedtotheside,watchingmecuriously.Ichangethesubjectbeforesheseesanything
elseinmyexpression.“IsawyouearlierwithRuby,”Isay,namingthememberI’dseenHyemiholdinghandswithinthedressing
room.“Youseemedtobegettingalong.”

“Ruby-eonniisfromHongKongandspeaksEnglish.WelikesomeofthesameTVshowsandvideogames.She’sabigWeBareBearsfan.”

“Really?”IneedtospeakwithRubymore.“Congratulations,Hyemi-yah.Howdoyoufeel?”
“LikeIcoulddoanything.Likethisisonlythebeginning.”
“Itis!I’msohappyforyou.”
“Actually,Seonbae,I’vebeenmeaningtotellyou—”shecutsoff,hereyesstrayingbehindme.IturnaroundtoseeSunwalking
throughtheglassdoors,hisjacketcasuallyflungoverhisshoulder.

“Hyemi,willyouexcuseme?”IsayandhurryovertoSun.“You’relate.”IlookpasthimforNathaniel,butthere’snosign
ofhim.

“It’sgoodtoseeyoutoo,”hedrawls.
“Didyoucomealone?”Hyemiasks.Iblink,surprisedtofindherbesideme.She’salsoaskedthequestionIwasabouttoask.
Sunstudiesher,hisexpressionopaque.“Wouldthatdisappointyou?”
Shegoeswhite,thenpink.
“Leaveheralone,”Isay,myprotectiveinstinctskickingin.
Sunpointstothecake.“Isthatcake?”
“I’llgetyousome!”Hyemiscurriesaway.Sunmovestofollow.
“Nathanieldidn’tcomewithyou?”
Hiseyesstraytome.“Hismomcalled.He’soutfront.”
Idon’tstaytowatchSungethiscake,rushingoutthedoors.
Thenightairiscoolagainstmyskin,andIwrapmyarmsaroundmybodyasIsearchtheoutercourtyard.
Ipickedthisrestaurantbecauseofitssecludedlocation.It’soneofmanybuildingsonalarge,sprawlingparkwithforests
andcreeks.Besidestherestaurant,there’salsoacoffeeshopandamuseumdedicatedtoarenownedarchitect.

Ipeekmyheadthroughthegatewhereapathwayleadstotheparkinglot.Idon’tseeanysignofNathaniel.Idon’tthink
Icouldhavemissedhim.Totheright,anotherpath—theonelitbystonelanterns—leadsintoagroveoftrees.

Itfeelsonlynaturaltofollowthispath.Theskyiscloudless.Moonlightpoursthroughthethincanopy,silveringthetrees.
Thepathleadstoasmallstonebridgethatspansoveratinycreek.Icanseethemuseumthroughthetrees,litfromwithin,
shiningliketreasureinthedarkness.

“Sori?”
Iturn.
Nathanielstandsattheotherendofthebridge.Hepocketshisphone—hemusthavejustfinishedhiscallwithhismother.Hedoesn’taskwhatI’mdoingouthere.DoesheknowthatIcamelookingforhim?Thoughtsofmymotheraside,somethinggoodhappenedtonight,andsoIwantedtosharethismomentwiththepersonwhomakesmethehappiest.
Istartwalkingtowardhimacrossthebridge,andthenI’mrunning.
Ilaunchmyselfintohisarms.Hetakesafewstepsbackfromtheforce,hisarmsgoinguptocatchme.Foraminuteneither
ofusmoves.Ilistentohisshallowbreaths.Hisheartbeatsrapidlyagainstmyown.

Hishandslidesupmyback,andIshiverinhisarms.“Sorrywe’relate,”hesays.“Sunstoppedtogetgas.Thereweresome
fans…”

Ishakemyhead.“DidyouwatchASAP’sperformance?”
“Idid,onthecarrideover.Theywereincredible.Youshouldbeproud.”
“Itwasallthem.Theyweretheonesthatpracticedrelentlessly,putinthehours.”
“Youdidtoo,”hesays,“ordidyouforget?”Ileanbacktoseehimsmile,aglintofmischiefinhismoonliteyes.“Isaw
youeverynightwhenyoucamebackafterpracticingwithHyemi.Youwerenotnotsweaty.”

Ifeignhittinghiminthechestandhecatchesmyarm.Hislongfingerscirclearoundmywristgently,histhumbbrushes
againstmypulse.

Thisisn’ttheperfectorder—Iwouldhavelikedtohavemymother’spermissionfirst—butIcan’tholdbackanylonger.It’s
likewhatHyemisaid,aboutfeelinglikeshecoulddoanything.Ifeelthesameway.Myhappinessgivesmewings,makingme
braveenoughtogoafterwhatIwant.

AftereverythingI’vedoneforHyemi,formymother,IcanfinallydowhatIwant…

Likeinthepool,Istanduponmytoesandbringmymouthtohis.
Thekississweet,ifbrief.WhenIreleasehim,Ilookupintohiseyes.They’rehalf-lidded,gazingdownatme.
“Doyoumeanit?”heaskssoftly.Hisfingersaroundmywristtighteninfinitesimally.
“Imeanit,”Isay.“Withmyheart,withmybody,withmysoul.”
Hisbreathhitches,andthenhe’skissingme.Heletsgoofmywristtodraghishandthroughmyhair.Itrembleathistouch,
grippinghisshoulderstokeepfromfalling.Hishandlowers,pressingmecloseruntilI’mflushagainsthim.

Mylipsopenbeneathhis.Whenhistongueslidesagainstmyown,IfeelasifI’mmelting.
Hiskissesarelongandsoft;minearejustasardent.Icouldkisshimforever,exceptthatImadeapromise.Tomorrow,after
Italktomymother,Iwon’thavetoholdback.

Igivehimonelastlingeringkiss,thenstepaway.
Helooksalittlebereft,soIraisemyhandtotouchhischeek.
“I’vewantedthisforalongtime,”hesays,coveringmyhandwithhisown
“Fortwoweeks?”Iask,breathless.IthinkofallthetimesIthoughthewasgoingtokissme.
Heshakeshishead.“Longer.”
Myheartstutters.“Twoyears?”
Hepresseshisforeheadtomine.“IfeellikeI’vewantedyouforhalfmylife.”
Igroan.HowamIsupposedtoresisthimwhenhesaysthingslikethat?
Hekissesme,harderthanbefore.Igiveinmomentarily,butthenbreakaway.“Wehavetogoback.”
“Iwasneverthere.”
“Ihavetogoback.Andyouhavetogreeteveryone.Don’tyouwanttocongratulateHyemiandtheothers?”

Hesighs,droppinghisheadtomyshoulder.“Can’twejusttextthem?”
Ilaugh,grabbinghishand.“Comeon.”Itughimupthepath,onlylettinggowhenwe’reinviewoftherestaurant.
NoonenotesourarrivaltogetherexceptforSun,whoraiseshischampagnefluteasiftotoastus.
Spottingme,Hyemihurriesover.
“Congratulations,Hyemi,”NathanielsaysinEnglish.Hereachesoutandrufflesthetopofherhead.
Sheflushesprettily,tuggingatthehemofherhoodie.
“Hyemi-yah,”Isay,rememberingthatearlier,beforeSun’sarrival,shewasinthemiddleofsayingsomething.“Whatdidyou
wanttotellme?”

Herfaceturnsanoddshadeofscarlet.“Oh,I—”SheglancesatNathaniel,thenatme,paniconherface.
Ifrown.“What’swrong?”
“It—it’snothing.”
“Areyousure?”Ipress.Ifshe’shavinganissue,Iwanttohelpher.
“It’saboutwhatwetalkedaboutinthepracticeroom,”sheblurtsout.“Beforeweleftforthedramashoot.”
“Whatwe…oh!”Myeyeswiden.We’ddiscussedJoah’spoliciesondatingMyeyesdarttoNathaniel.Ofcourse,shewouldn’twanttotalkabouthercrushonJaewooinfrontofhim.Ireallyputmy
footinmymouth.

“We’lltalkaboutitlater,”Iwhisper,andshenods.
IusherherovertowheretheASAPmembersaresingingkaraokewithYoungminandafewofthejuniorstaffmembers.
TheyglomontoHyemi,andsheendsupsingingasongwithYoungmin,thenNathaniel.IsitatatablewithSun,who,having
foundthechampagnetoosweet,hasmovedontoblackcoffee.EverytimeNathanielcatchesmyeye,Ilookaway,awareofour
surroundings.

Thepartywindsdown.Aseveryoneleavestowardtheparkinglot,Ilingerbehindtherest.
“Sun’sexpectingmetogobackwithhim…,”Nathanielsaysfrombehindme,hisvoiceclosetomyear.“I’llmakeanexcuse.”
Ishakemyhead.“No,gowithSun.Ineedtimetothink.”
There’sabeatofsilence.“Think?”
IrealizehowthatmustsoundasifI’msecond-guessingmyactionstonight.Ireachback,slidingmyfingersthroughhis.
SunYeturnsaroundtowave,andIwavebackwithmyotherhand.“AboutwhatI’mgoingtosaytomymothertomorrow,”Iwhisper.

Nathanieldrawsinabreath.“You’regoingtotalktoher?Aboutus?”NowHyemi’swavingasshegetsintothevanwiththe
othergirls.

“Amongotherthings.”
Everyone’swalkedthroughthegateofthecourtyardexceptforus.Nathanielpullsmetotheside,outofview.Pressingmebackagainstthewall,hekissesme.Islidemyhandthroughhissilkyhairandtastethechampagnefromhislips.
“Ireallycanmakeanexcuse,”hesays,whenwepart.

Ilaugh.
“Sori?”SecretaryParkcallsfromtheoppositesideofthewall.
IleanforwardandkissNathanielonthecheek.“I’llseeyoutomorrownight.”
Anhourlater,snuggledinbedwithmystuffedanimals,ItextNathaniel.I’mhome.Dreamofme.
Hisresponseisimmediate.Always.
AsI’mputtingmyphoneonthebedstand,Ireceiveanothertext.
It’sfromHyemi.TherewassomethingIwantedtotellyouearlier,butIdidn’tgetachance.Pleasekeepthisbetweenus.I’msoembarrassed,
butIcan’tholditinanylonger.IthinkI’minlovewithNathaniel.Twenty-seven
Thenextmorning,IreadHyemi’stextagain.Ihaven’tresponded,thoughit’slikelyshe’sseenthatI’vereadit.Iwant
totellherthetruth,aboutmyownfeelingsforNathaniel,butIwanttosharethatwithherinperson,soIcanexplain
everythinginfull.Ifeelawfulknowingshe’llbedevastatedwhenItellher.

BelowHyemi’stextisonefromNathaniel.Ican’twaittoseeyoutonight.
It’sSaturday,whichmeansAjummawon’tbeatthehouseuntiltomorrowmorning,adayearlierthanusual,asherdaughter
ishostingherin-laws
NathanielandIwillbealonetonight.Myheartthrumsatthethought.
Onmyphone,Ibringupmymother’snumber,skippingSecretaryParkaltogether.MythumbshoveroverthekeyboardbeforeI
quicklytypeamessageAreyoubusytoday?CanIcomebyyouroffice?IclickSendbeforeIcansecond-guessmyself.

AstuffedwhaleslipsfrommybedasIpushbacktheblankets.MyphonechirpsandIreachforiteagerly.Butthemessage
isn’tfrommymother.

KimSunYe:CometoJoahimmediately.There’sanemergency.
Twentyminuteslater,Iburstintothepracticeroom.Hyemi’shunchedinthemiddleofthefloor.SunYesitsbesideher,
rubbingherbackinacircularmotion.

IcrouchonHyemi’sotherside.“What’sgoingon?”Theothermembersaren’tpresent,onlySunYe.SecretaryParkstandswithherbackagainstthemirror,furiouslytypingonherphone.
“I’mgoingtoquitthegroup,”Hyemibawls.“It’snotfairtotheothergirls.”
Myeyeswiden.IlooktoSunYetoelaborate.
SunYehandsmeherphone.“Someoneleftananonymouspostonapopularforum,”shesays,“abouttheagreementHyemi’sfather
hadwithJoah.”

DreadcurlsinmystomachasIreadthearticle.
AJoahinsiderconfirmedyesterdayeveningthatASAPmemberWooHyemi’slast-minuteadditiontothegirlgroupwascontingent
uponasizableinvestmentbyherfather,shippingmagnateWooGongchul.
Iwince.Thisisbad.Thearticlegoesontoslamthecompany’sbusinessethics,throwingaroundwordslikenepotismandbribery,andendswithacalltoboycottASAP.

“Th-theysaid,”Hyemibeginsinachokedvoice,barelyabletospeakthroughhertears,“I’mo-onlyinthegroupbecauseof
myf-father’smoney.”

“That’snottrue,”Isay.Oratleast,maybethatwasthecaseinthebeginning,butshe’sprovenherselftimeandagain;
shebelongsinASAP.Anyonewhowatchedtheshowcasewouldthinkthiswithoutadoubt.

“Oncetheyseehowhardworkingandtalentedyouare,noneofthiswillmatter,”Isay.
Hyemistartstosobevenlouder.
IlooktoSunYeoncemore.
“Thefirstepisodeofthedebutdocumentarywentup,”sheexplains.“Hyemi’sreceivingalotofnegativityinthecomments.”
“I’mcallingmyfather,”Hyemisays.“I’lltellhimIwanttoquit.”
“Youcan’tdothat,”Isaysharply.Herfatherhasyettosignthecontract.
Mytoneofvoicestartlesher,andshelooksup.Thehurtandconfusioninhereyesislikeadaggerthroughthechest.For
abriefmoment,Isoundedjustlikemyfather—coldhearted,manipulative.

Itakeadeepbreath.“Wasitsuchaquickdecisiontojointhegroup?”
“Ofcoursenot.I’vewantedthisforaslongasIcanremember.”
“Thengiveasmuchconsiderationtoyourdecisiontoleaveasyoudidtojoin.There’snoneedtorush.You’vealreadydebuted.
Getsomerest,andwe’lltalktomorrow.”

AsIstand,InoticeSunYewatchingme.There’saquestionintheslightfrownonherface.Didyouknowaboutthis?Iavoidhergaze.

Onthewayoutoftheroom,IpassSecretaryPark.She’smovedonfromaggressivelytextingtowhisperingloudlyoverthe
phone.“Idon’tcarewhatyouhavetodo,justgetthemtotakethepostdown.”

WithoutreallythinkingaboutwhereI’mgoing,Iridetheelevatoruptomymother’soffice.
It’sempty,asistheattachedbedroom,thoughthere’sevidenceofmymother’sreturn,hersuitcasehalfunpackedonaluggage
rackbyhercloset.

Collapsingonthehigh-backedchairbehindherdesk,Iclosemyeyes.Thissituationmustbesalvageable.Ithastobe.ThoughIcan’tseeawayforward.Joahcandenytheclaimsmadeinthepost,butsincesomuchofthearticleistrue,it’llbedifficulttorefuteitifmoreevidencearises.

AndIfeeluneasyaboutthethoughtofoutwardlylying.Idon’tthinkanythingisowedtotabloidsandgossipmagazines,but
acompanyandagroupshouldbehonestwiththeirfans.Otherwise,howcantheybuildtrustwithoneanother?Ialsodon’t
knowwhatalielikethatwoulddotoHyemi’smentalhealth.IrememberDirectorRyu’semphasisonthegroup’semotionalhealth,
alongwiththeirphysicalhealth.ThecompanyneedstoprotectHyemiandASAPasagroup.Ifeelanotherrushofshamethat
itwasn’tmyfirstthoughtwhenHyemisaidshewantedtoquitthegroup.I’dthoughtofherfather’smoney.Wouldquittingbebetterforher?

Mygazecatchesonmymother’stopmostdrawer,pulledslightlyopen.WhenImovetoshutit,thedrawercatchesonsomething
crammedinside.Shimmyingitopen,Ipulloutaphotograph.

Istaredownatit,uncomprehending.
It’saphotographofmefrommymiddleschoolgraduation.I’mwearingmyuniform,lookingdirectlyatthecamerawithaslight
frownonmyface.

Theedgesofthephotographareworn,anindicationthatmymotherhaspickeditupquiteafewtimesovertheyears.Ifeel
anacheinmychest,asifI’vecaughtmymotherwithasecret.

Igentlyplacethephotographinthedrawer.AsI’mputtingitback,Inoticeanenvelopeinside.Ipickitup,slippingthe
documentsontothedesk.

Ittakesmeafewpagestounderstandwhatitis.Acontract,outliningtheacquisitionofJoahbyKSEntertainment.It’sunsignedbutdatedfornextweek.Thisismymother’ssolutionifHyemi’sfatherdoesn’tinvest.She’sgoingtosellJoah.

Theelevatorpings.Iquicklyshovethecontractbackintothedeskandcloseitjustasmymotherwalksoutoftheelevator.
“Sori?”Shestepsfromthefoyer,stoppinginthemiddleoftheroom.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“SunYetoldmetocome.BecauseofHyemi.”
Sherubshereyestiredly.“WhereisHyeminow?”
“She’swithSunYe.They’regoingbacktothedorm.”
Mymothercollapsesontothecouch,leaningbackwithaheavysigh.
Movingfrombehindthedesk,Igrababottleofcoldwaterfromasmallrefrigeratorfilledwiththemandwalkovertoher.
Uncappingit,Ihandittoher.Shetakesthebottle,drinkinghalfofitbeforeplacingitonthetable.“Howisityoualways
knowwhatIneedmost?”shesayssoftly.

Iwanttoaskheraboutthecontractinthedesk,butinsteadIsay,“Youshouldcomehome.You’llrestbetterinyourown
bed,andAjummacancookforyou.”

“Soon,Sori-yah.Iwill,soon.”Idon’tbelieveher,butIwantto.
“Howareyoufeeling?”shesays.
Iblinkather,confused.
“Youcollapsedonthesetofthatdrama.Iwassoworried.Ishouldhavebeentherewithyou.Instead,IwasinJapan,tryingtosecuremoreinvestors,exceptthatwoundupfruitlessintheend.I’mterribleateverything,aren’tI?Aterriblebusinesswoman,aterriblemother.”
“You’renot!”Isayvehemently.“You’retryingsohard.There’snooneIlookuptomorethanyou.NooneIbelieveinmore.”
Herlifehasbeenfilledwithchallenges,fromlosingherparentsatayoungage—herwealthy,distantaunthadhiredAjumma
toraiseher—tobecominganidol,onlytohavethatdreamcutshortwhenshebecamepregnantwithme.Tothinksheatleast
wouldhavealovingfamily,onlyforherin-lawstorejectherandherhusbandtoabandonher,maybenotlegallybutinall
thewaysthatmatter.Shethenchangedcourseandputallhertimeandenergyintomakingthiscompanywhatitistoday,employing
somanypeople,fulfillingthedreamsofitsartists.I’vefeltfrustratedwithher,resentful,even,butI’veneverstopped
believinginher.

“Mysweetgirl.”Shebringsherhandtomyface,pressingherfingerstomycheekforabrief,haltingmoment.“Yougiveme
strength.Youalwayshave.”

Shedropsherhandandcloseshereyes.“Aslongasthere’snotanotherfire,IthinkIcanhandlethisweek.”
Anotherfire.Anotherscandal.

“Canyouturnthelightsoffwhenyouleave?IthinkI’lljustrestrighthereforalittlebit.”
She’sasleepwithinminutes.Igrabablanketandpillowfromthespareroom.Iliftherheadgentlyandplacethepillow
beneath,thencoverherwiththeblanket.

Idon’tgodirectlyhomebuttakethebusaroundthecity.Tome,Seoulisalwaysbeautiful,butthere’ssomethingaboutthecapitalatdusk,withthesunbankedonthehorizon,turningtheskyahazypinkish-purple,thebrightlightsofthesignboardsblurringlikewatercolors,thatmakesmethinkitmightbethemostbeautifulcityintheworld.
Twoyearsago,I’ddonethisverything,afterIhadtheconversationwithmymotherthatledtomybreakupwithNathaniel.
AsIstareoutthewindowtowardthecity,Ithinkbacktothatconversation.

Wewereinmymother’soffice,justthetwoofus,theXOXOmembershavinggonebacktotheirdorm.
“Icontactedthenewsoutlet.They’veagreedtobluroutyourphoto.You’llbean‘unnamedtrainee,’”mymotherannounced.
I’dfrowned.“ButthenNathanielwilltakethebruntofthecriticism.”
“Sori,that’sagoodthing.AdatingscandalwithanunnamedtraineeisbetterthanadatingscandalwiththeCEO’sdaughter.
Allthehatewouldbepiledontoyou,themorevulnerabletarget,andIwouldn’tevenbeabletoprotectNathanielbecause
mynamewouldbetarnishedaswell,asIallowedthistohappen.Itshouldhaveneverhappened.Iwasn’tcareful.Thisis
myfault.”

BULLETIN,theinfamoustabloidnewspaper,hadhintedthattheyweregoingtopostadatingscandalinvolving“theleadsingerofa
popularboyband.”Already,onlinespeculationhadconcludedthatthesingerwasNathaniel,andXOXO’svideoswerebeingflooded
withcommentsaskingforJoahtoexpelNathanielfromthegroup.

“Youtwowillhavetobreakup.”
Ishookmyhead,unwillingtoacceptwhatshewastellingme.“ButwhatifNathanielandIweretofacethistogether?”NathanielhadsaidasmuchwhenI’dcometohimintears.Thatwe’dweatherthestorm,together.
Mymother’seyesturnedpitying.“You’reyoungandinlove,soyou’renotthinkingclearly.Iwasthesame,when…”She
didn’thavetofinishthatsentence,whenImarriedyourfather.“Don’tyourememberwhathappenedwhenyouwereinmiddleschool?”

Ashiveroffearsweptthroughme,rememberingthebullyingatschool,thecommentsshoutedatmymother,fordrivingmyfather
intohavinganaffair—forbeingcold,forbeingunlovable.

“Itwouldbethesame,buttentimesworse.PeoplelikeNathanielcanthrowcautiontothewindingrand,romanticgestures,
butthat’sbecausethey’veneverknownwhatit’sliketobealone.Theycanbearcriticismandcensurefromthepublicbecause
theyhavetheirfamilieswhowillsupportthem.YouandIdon’thavethatluxury.We’vealwayshadtostandonourown.”

She’dbeenright.NathanielonlyknewasmallpartofthebullyingIenduredinmiddleschool,thename-callingandisolation.
BecauseIkeptitfromhim.Iwantedtoprotecthimfromtheawfulnessofmylife—thatshiningboy,whoalwayshadasmile
onhisface,whoalwayshadasmileforme.

IthoughtofthattimeinNewYorkwithhisfamily,howdifferentourliveswere.Hewouldhavethemtogobackto,without
fail,thatwarmhomefilledwithlaughter.

“Allwehaveiseachother,”mymothersaid.“It’salwaysbeenjustthetwoofus.Ican’tbeartoseeyouhurt.IwillprotectyouasbestIcan,but…”
She’smymother,butshe’salsotheCEOofJoah.Shehasthecompanytothinkabout,thehundredsofemployeeswhoselivelihoods
dependuponher.Iwasrackedwithguilt.Bycausingascandal,I’djeopardizednotonlyNathaniel’scareer,buthercompany,
everythingshe’dworkedsohardfor
“IknowyoucareforNathaniel,butsometimeslifeisaboutmakingpainfuldecisionsinthepresenttoavoidgreaterpain
later.It’sbettertocutthingsoffbeforeyourfeelingsgrowanystronger.”

Inodded.Herwordssunkintomyskin,wrappingaroundmyheart.
“I’msorryI’maskingthisofyou.Promisemeyou’llbreakitoff?”
Nathanielwantedtoriskeverythingforlove,butthatwasn’treasonableforsomeonelikeme,withsomuchtolose.Whatif
theworsthappenedandwebrokeup?He’dhavehisfamily,hisburgeoningcareer.XOXOwasalreadysopopular.WhileI’dhave
hurtmymother’scompany,myownchancesatacareer,andintheend,I’dhavebeenasIwasbeforehecamehurtlinginto
mylife—bringingwithhimlaughter,friendship,andlove—completelyanddevastatinglyalone.

“Ipromise.”Twenty-eight
It’stenp.m.bythetimeIstepoffthebusinmyneighborhood,havingriddenitallthewaytothelaststopontheline,
onlytogetbackonandrideittotheotherend.AsIroundthecorner,Ilookuptowardtheconveniencestore.

Nathaniel’satourusualtable,readingabookbeneaththefluorescentlights.He’sslouchedintheplasticchair,apaperback
proppedonhischestasoneofhislongfingersskimsthetop.Hisbrowfurrowsadorablyasheturnsapage.

Howlonghashebeenhere?Iusuallygethomearounddinnertime,fourhoursago.Washewaitingformethiswholetime?
Iwalkupthestonesteps,shiftingmyshoulderbaghigher.Catchingsightofme,Nathanielsitsup,puttingthebookface
downonthetable.

Ihaveseveralmissedcallsandunansweredtextsfromhim,buthedoesn’taskmeaboutthem.Instead,hestandsandheads
intotheconveniencestore,thebelljinglingabovethedoorasheenters.Isitintheseatacrossfromhim,glancingat
thetitleofthebook.It’sthenovelizationofSun’sdrama,TheSeaPrince.Whenhereturnsafewminuteslater,he’scarryingaplasticbag.

“Youhaven’teatenyet,haveyou?”heasks.
Ishakemyhead.
Fromhisbag,hedrawsoutsamgakgimbap,unwrappingtheplasticfromthetriangle,carefultokeeptheseaweedoverthericeintact,thenhandsittomesothatIcanholditfromthewrappedside.Inibbleattheseaweedandrice.
Reachingoncemoreintothebag,Nathanieltakesoutaplasticwaterbottle,uncappingitandplacingitinfrontofme.
I’mrelievedwhenhetakesoutatriangleofhisown,asthatmeansheisn’tplanningonwatchingmeeat.
IdrinkhalfthewaterbottleandNathanielreadilytakesoutanother,placingitbesidethefirst.
“IwasatJoahearlier,”hesays.Ilookup.“Iwasworriedwhenyoudidn’ttextback,”heexplains.“SunandIwenttogether.”
“Howwasit?”Iask,softly.
“Thingsaren’tasbadastheyseem.Onlyoneofthebroadcastingstationscanceledanappearance,theonetheASAPmembers
werescheduledfortoday.Theresthavekeptthemintheirlineups.”

“Butthatdoesn’tmeantheymightnotcanceltomorrow,ifthestorypicksupfurther.”
“Thepostwastakendown.”
Ifeelarushofrelief.WhoeverSecretaryParkwasspeakingtoonthephonemusthavegottenthroughtotheoriginalposter.
Thedamagehasalreadybeendone—duringASAP’sdebutweek,noless—butatleastitwon’tpickupmoremomentumthanitalready
has.

“Allofit’strue,youknow,”Isay,tryingtokeepmyvoiceneutral,withoutemotion.“Whatthatanonymouspostersaidabout
thedealHyemi’sfatherhadwithJoah.”

Whenmymothertoldmeaboutthedeal,Ihadn’tthoughttwiceaboutit.AllIcaredwasthatmymother’scompanywasintrouble,thatmymotherwasintrouble,andthiswasawaytofixtheproblem.Iwasalsodistractedbymyownworriesaboutthefutureofmycareer.
Though,whenIhadthechancetotellNathaniel,I’dkepthiminthedark.

I’dfeltashamed,likehe’dthinkbadlyofmymother,ofme.Businesspracticesandshadydealsarenormalinthespacesthatpeoplelikemyfatherandmotheroccupy.ButNathaniel
hasneverbeenexposedtothatpartofthisworld,onethatfeelsalmostsecondnaturetome.

“DidHyemi’sfatherhandoveranymoneytoJoah?”Nathanielasks.Istudyhisface,buthisexpressionisuncharacteristically
unreadable.

Ishakemyhead.“Notyet.”
“Thenit’snottrue,”hesayssimply.
“Butitwillbe.Thatis,ithastobe…”

“WhydoesJoahneedWooHyemi’sfather’smoney?”heasks.
“I…It’snotmyplacetosay.”
“IfJoahneedsmoney,thenIcan—”
“No,”Isay,myheartdropping.Idon’twantNathanielanywherenearthis.“It’smymother’sresponsibility.”Andmine,asherdaughter.

“It’snormalforidolstobuysharesintheircompany,”Nathanielsayswithafrown.“Sunalreadyownsafew.”
“Heboughtthemasaninvestmentatthetime.You’dbebuyingthemfor…”
“Foryou.”
“No.”Ishakemyheadvehemently.“Idon’t…Idon’twantanymoneytobeinvolved.”
It’snotjustthatIdon’twanthimtogetinvolvedinanyofthequestionablechoicesmadebythecompany,butIalsodon’twantmoneytoenterintoourrelationship.
Ithinkofmyfather,whosolveseverythingwithmoney,whoboughtmymotherahousetoplacateherafterhisfirstpublic
affair,whocontrolsherlifebyowningthemajoritysharesofhercompany.IwanttoprotectNathanielfromthat.Iwant
toprotectusfromthat.

“You’reright,I’msorry.I’mjustfrustrated.Iwanttohelp.”Hesweepsahandthroughhisdarkhair,leaningbackinthe
plasticchair.Itraisesbrieflyontwolegsbeforehittingthegroundwithathump.

“Areyouangry?”Iask.
Heblinksatme,hisbrowfurrowing.“Aboutwhat?”
“ThatIdidn’ttellyouaboutHyemi.ThatIwashelpinghertodebutsothatherfatherwouldinvest.”
Hesitsupinthechair,lookingatme.“Butthat’snottrue.”
“Itistrue,evenifhehasn’tinvested.”Evenifheprobablyneverwillaftertoday’sdisaster.

Nathanielshakeshishead.“YouwerehelpingHyemibecauseyouweretheonlypersonwhocouldgetherreadytodebutinsuch
ashorttime.Youtrainedwithher,guidedherthroughvarietyshowsanddramasets.Youdidn’tdoallthatbecauseyouwanted
togetHyemi’sfathertopayJoah,youdidallthatbecauseyouwantedto,becauseyouenjoyedit,becauseyouweregoodat
it.”

Mypulseracesathiswords,myskinflushing.Thisconversationisgettingoutofhand.Ican’tfeelthisway.

“Thisscandalisbad,”Iwhisper.“Joahcan’thaveanotherone.”
“Idon’tseewhytheywould,unlessSunhasasecretbabyhehasn’ttoldusabout.”Helaughs.
“Nathaniel.”That’sallIsay,justhisname.
Hegoesstill.“No.”
Hiseyesmeetmine.“Lastnight,yousaidyoumeantit.”
“Idid.Butthatwasbeforetoday.”
“Why?Becauseofthescandal?”
Icouldtellhimaboutthecontract,aboutKSacquiringJoah,butwhatwouldthataccomplish?He’sproducingasongwithan
artistfromKS.IfhefindsoutthatKSmightbeacquiringJoah,hemightbackoutofthisprojecthe’sbeensoexcitedabout.

“Maybeweshouldannouncearelationship,”Nathanielsays.“It’lldrawtheheatoffHyemi.”

“Nathaniel,beserious.”
“Thatwasalegitimatesuggestion.”He’sjoking,butthere’sacatchinhisvoice.I’vehurthim.I’mhurtinghim.

ButIhaveto.Forhissake,andmine.Forthesakeofthecompany.
“Joahcan’taffordtohaveanotherscandalrightnow.Someonewillfindoutaboutus.Weweren’texactlycarefulattheparty
lastnight.”Weweren’tcautiousatall,kissingwithonlyawallseparatingusfromtheothers.Idon’tknowifIcanhide
myfeelingsfromhim,andIdon’tknowifhecanhidehisfeelingsfromme.

“Thereasonswhywebrokeuphaven’tchanged,”Isay.“Ifanything,they’vegottenmoreheightened.Hyemihasn’tevenbeenanidolforonedayandshe’salreadyreceivinghundredsofhatecomments.ASAPhashadanappearancecanceled,maybemore.Itwouldbesomuchworseifthetabloidsfoundoutaboutus.Yourcareer…”
“Don’tmakethisaboutmycareer.Iwantyou.Iknowwhatthatmeans.”
Mystomachflutters.
“ThesituationwithHyemiisdifferent,”Nathanielsays,hisvoicelow.“She’sarookie.Shedoesn’thavefanswhowillsupport
her,notyet.XOXOfansaredifferent.They’llhavemyback.”

Ishakemyhead.“Youcan’tknowthatforcertain.Whatifyou’rewrong?WhataboutSun,Jaewoo,andYoungmin?Don’tyoucare
abouthowyouractionsaffectthem?”

Thisseemstogetthroughtohimbecausehelowershishead.
“Ican’tacceptthatyou’repushingmeawayformysake,”hesays.
“ThenwillyouacceptthatI’mthinkingofmyself?”
“No.”
“Nathaniel!”
“Doyouhonestlycarewhatastrangerontheinternetsaysaboutyou?”
“Maybenotonestranger,butfivehundredstrangers?Yes!”
Itakeadeepbreath.“Butit’smorethanthat.Ihavearesponsibilitytothecompany.”Seeingmymotherremindedmeofthe
promiseImadetoher.“Ihavemoretolose…”

“Ihavetoloseyou,”Nathanielsaysheatedly.“Forme,that’senough.”Hegetstohisfeet,grabbinghisbookoffthetable.“Evenifitdoesn’t
mattertoyou.”He’sangry,speakingoutofhisemotions.

Hegathersourtrashandheadsintotheconveniencestore.Whenhecomesout,hedoesn’twaitforme,walkingaheadofmeupthehilltowardthehouse.
Idon’tknowifit’sthestressfromthedayorthefightwejusthad,buttearsstarttofallfrommyeyes.
Istopbythevine-coveredwalloutsidemyfrontgate.“Nathaniel.”
Hemusthearthetearsinmyvoicebecauseheturns.There’sabriefpause,thenhe’swalkingbacktowardme.Hegathersme
inhisarms.

“I’msorry,”hesays,hisbreathwarmagainstthetopofmyhead.“Ididn’tmeantomakeyoucry.”
“I’mscared.”
“Wecanbecareful.Wecankeepitasecret.”
Ishakemyhead.“Wecan’t.”
Nathaniel’sarmstightenaroundme,thenhereleasesme,steppingback.“Ishouldgo.IfeellikeifIstay,I’llwantto
holdyou,I’llwantto…”Hetakesanunsteadybreath.“I’mgoingtogetmystuff.”

Inod,sniffling.“I’llwaitouthere.”
Afewminuteslater,thefrontgateopensandNathanielcomesoutagain.Atthesightofhisdufflebag,Ihavetofightback
afreshwaveoftears.

“Whataboutthepaparazzi?”Iask.
“Theyhaven’tbeenaround,atleastnotforthepastweek.”
Whichmeanshecouldhaveleftasearlyaslastweekbutstayed.Becausehe’dwantedto.
“I’mhavingapartyforthelaunchofmysongonWednesday.It’sattheSowonHotel.Willyoucome?”
“Yes.”
Iwanttobethereforhim.
Helookslikehemeanstosaymorebutstopshimself.
Hedoesn’tsaygoodbye.NeitherdoI.
Iwatchhimwalkallthewaydownthehilltothemainroad.Onceheroundsthecorner,outofsight,Icollapseontothe
groundandcry.
Twenty-nine
Iwakeupthenextmorningwithred,puffyeyes,beneathapileofstuffedanimals.Thelowwhirofavacuumtravelsfrom
below,thesoundofwhichmusthavewokenme.UnearthingmyphonefrombeneathMediumTotoro,ItextAjumma.I’mnotfeelingwell.I’mgoingtostayinmyroomtoday.
Shedoesn’trespond,butahalfhourlaterthere’saknockonmydoor.
Ajummaenterscarryingatraywithacoveredstonebowlandaglassofwater.Placingthetrayonthesidetable,shepresses
thebackofherhandtomyforehead.

“Youdon’thaveafever,”shesays,clickinghertongue.
“Ijusthaveaheadache…”Fromcryingmyselftosleep.
“Mm-hmm,”shesays.Shehandsmetwowhitepills,whichIplopintomymouth,thentheglassofwater;Igulp,swallowing
themdown.

Shedoesn’taskaboutmyswolleneyesorwhereNathanielis,thoughshemusthavenoticedhisemptybedroom.I’dgoneinto
theroomlastnight,cryinganewwhenIsawhisneatlymadebed;theroomwasspotless,asifhe’dneverbeenthereatall.

Ionlyhavemyselftoblame.
“I’llcomecheckuponyoulater,”Ajummasays,smoothingmyhairbackfrommyface.
Whensheleaves,Iliebackonthebed,dizzywiththoughts,whichonlyservestointensifymyheadache.HadIactedtoorashlythenightbefore?NathanielandIhadkeptthefactthathewasstayingatmyhouseasecretfortwoweeks,wecouldhideasecretrelationship,atleastuntilHyemi’sscandalhasquieteddown.

No,I’mthinkingwithmyheart,notmyhead.
Theriskistoohigh,theconsequencesofgettingcaughttoogreat.Ineedtobethereasonableone,evenifthatmeansmaking
theharddecisionsandbreakingbothofourhearts.

Nathanielwillbefine.Hehashisbandmates,hisfamily.
Hedoesn’tneedme,notlikemymotherneedsme.
WhenIdecidedtohelpHyemi,itwaspartlytoprovetomymotherthatIcouldbetrustedtomakemyownchoiceswithmycareer,
butitwasalsobecauseIwantedtohelpher,toeasesomeofherburdens.

ShewouldbehorrifiedtoknowallthethingsI’vedonethatwouldprovetohertheopposite,startingwithinvitingNathaniel
tostaywithme.

Icouldn’tdothetwothingssheaskedofme:stayingawayfromNathanielandpreparingHyemifordebut.DirectorRyusaid
thatthesecrettoanidol’ssuccessisn’tjustpracticeandtalent,butalsothesupportofthepeoplearoundthem,that
givesanidoltheirstrength,thathelpsthemtoenduredifficulttimes.

I’vefailedHyemionsomanylevels.MaybeIcouldn’thavepreventedthatanonymousposterfromleakingthatstory,butI
couldhavepreparedHyemifortheconsequences,ifitshouldhappen.Icouldhavetoldherthatherfathermadeadealwith
Joahinsteadofhidingitfromher.ButIwasafraidshemightquitifsheknewthetruth,takingherfather’smoneywith
her.

I’mfloodedwithguiltthatIquicklysuppress.
Mentally,Iformahardnessaroundmyheart.MaybethisiswhoIam.It’swhomyparentsare,afterall,andI’mtheirdaughter.
Ipullmyselfoutofbedtobrushmyteeth,becauseonecanwallowbutalsohavegoodoralhygiene.Turningmyphoneonsilent,
Igrabmylaptopandclimbbackunderthecovers.OpeningupNetflix,IclickonthefirstepisodeofthenewestHongSisters
drama,becauseI’dratherwatchfictionalcharactersdealwiththeirinnumerable,andsometimesfantastical,problemsthan
dealwithmyown.

I’monepisodesix,thecomputercompletelyturnedonitsside,andmealongwithit,whenaninvitationforavideocall
popsupintheright-handcorner.

Yourroommate,thecaller’sIDsays,GoJooyoung.Jenny.

Isitup.Thelaptopstartstofalloffmyfour-poster,andImakeagrabforit,myfingersinadvertentlypressingthekeypad.
Jenny’sfaceappears,illuminatedbyaringlight.
“Sori?”She’sinherdormroom.Behindherisabookcaseandhercelloonitsstand.“Areyousleeping?”Hergazetravels
tothecorner,asifcheckingthetime.It’soneo’clock.

“Oh,Sori.Thatbad,huh?”DoesshesomehowknowaboutNathaniel?“IheardaboutthetroublewithJoah.”
“Howdidyouknow?”Iask.ThenIrealizeJaewoomusthavetoldher.Ishiftthecomputersothatshe’slookingatmeand
notmyceiling.

“Nevermindthat,”shesays.“Iwasworriedaboutyou.”
“I’mfine,”Isay.“Well,I’mnotfine,buthearingyourvoiceishelping.”
“Iwasgoingtocallyousoonanyway.Iwantedtotellyoumynews.I’mgoingtoJapan!Thatis,Igottheplaceinthequartet.”
Iscream,andshelaughs.
“IwasgoingtocometoSeoulfirstforaweek,”shesays.“CanIstaywithyou?”
“Ofcourse.Thoughdon’tyouwanttostaywithyourhalmeoni?”
“I’llstaywithherontheweekends,butshelikestogototheclinicontheweekdaystoflirtwiththegrandfathersthere.”
Ilaugh.Herhalmeoniissweetandloving,thecompleteoppositeofmine.
Wechatforthenextthreehours.AtonepointIhavetogetoffmybedtoplugmycomputerintothechargeratmydesk.Drawing
backtheshades,sunlightspillsintotheroom.

SheseemstosensethatIdon’twanttotalkaboutthereasonsforwhyI’mlyinginbedinthemiddleoftheafternoon,andsowetalkabouteverythingelsebutthat.

Ajumma’sporridgewentcold,butIeatitwhileJennyheatsupwaterinanelectrickettleforabowlofinstantnoodles.
“WhatwereyoudoingbeforeIcalled?”sheasks.
“IwascatchinguponthenewHongSistersdrama.”
“It’ssogood.Whatepisodeareyouon?Didyougettothekisssceneyet?”

“Notyet!Doesithappeninepisodesix?”I’dhadfifteenminutesleftoftheepisodebeforeshecalled.
“HowamIsupposedtorememberthat?Butyes,attheone-hour-and-twenty-minutemark.”
Aswe’resayingourgoodbyes,shecatchesmyeye.“I’mTeamSori;youknowthat,right?”
“Yes,andI’mthepresidentofyourfanclub.Gotosleep.”It’sthreeinthemorninginNewYork.
Iwavetoherasshehangsup.
FeelingrejuvenatedaftertalkingtoJenny,Ifinishthelastfifteenminutesoftheepisode,replayingthekissscenetwice.
Itakeashower,formingaplaninmymind.
Actually,theideastemmedfromwhatNathanielsaidthenightbefore,aboutbuyingsharesofJoah.Idon’thavethemoney
tobuyshares,butmaybeIdon’thaveto…

Iopenadirectlinetomyfather,skippingSecretaryLeeentirely.
I’vebeenskippingbothmyparents’secretarieslately.
Doyouhavetimetomeettomorrow?Itext.

Hisresponseisimmediate,andIwonderifhe’ssurprisedtoseeatextfromme.Yes.Cometoyourhalmeoni’shousetomorrowmorningforbreakfast.
AjummapreparesasimplemealfordinnerbecauseI’mstill“sick.”
“It’sabitquietertonight,”shehedges,clearlywaitingformetoexplainNathaniel’sabsence.
“Thingsarejustbacktonormalagain,”Isay.“It’sbetterthisway.”
IfAjummathinksdifferently,shedoesn’tshareherthoughts,leavingmealonetoeatinsilence.
Later,AjummaandIsitdowntowatchSun’sdrama,whichintheexcitementofthelastfewdays,I’dforgottenwasairing
tonightAlotoftheepisodewasfilmedinthepreviousweeks,withonlyHyemi,Nathaniel,andmyscenesfilmedandeditedsolast
minute.

Hyemi’scharacterisadorable.She’sahighschoolstudentwhohasacrushonaboyinherclass,buthe’soblivious.
Ilaughwhenshekicksthemagicalconchshellinfrustrationonlytostubhertoe,jumpingaroundononefoot.
“She’sgood!”Ajummasays.
She’sreminiscentofayoungJungSoMin.Shedeliverseachofherlineswithcharisma.Infact,I’mfairlycertainthescriptwriter
addedextralinesafterrealizingHyemihadtalent.

Theepisodecontinueswithanaerialshotofarockybeach.Fogrollsoverthetidepoolsasasonorousvoicenarratesthe
scene.TheSeaKing’smessengerhasarrivedfromtheglitteringdepthsofthecourttodeliveramessagetotheSeaPrince.Atailappearsonscreen,thenthecameraslowlypansupward.

Ajummagasps.“Sori-yah.You’rebeautiful.”Shetakesoutherphoneandstartsrecordingthescreen.

I’mimpressedwithwhattheeditorsmanagedtodoinonlyashortfewdays.Mytailisastunningblendofvioletandaquamarine,
matchedperfectlytomycorsetedtop.Mydamphairhangsovermybareshoulders,strungwithjewelsandpearls.Thenarrator’s
lowbaritoneintones.Butmermaidscannotspeakabovethewater.HowwillshedelivertheSeaKing’smessage?
IfIremembercorrectlyfromthescript,mynext—andfinal—sceneisn’tuntiltheendoftheepisode,whichisarelief,because
Icanactuallyenjoythestory.ItcontinueswithSunandtheheroinegoingonadate.Thisistheepisodewheretheytruly
starttoacknowledgetheirfeelingsforeachother,butbecauseoftheconchshell,whichwillrestoretheSeaPrince’smemories,
they’retornapart.

I’msocaughtupinthestorythatanotherfortyminutesseemtoflyby—theepisodeisanhour,sinceit’sonEBC,nottvN—andsuddenlythesettingcutstothebathhouse.
Igrabapillowoffthecouchandbringittomychest.Nathanielwalksontothesetinhisshowerslippersandsheep’shead
towel.

Hehaslinesaswell,andthoughhisdeliveryisabitstilted,unlikeSunandHyemi,hisnaturalhumorlendsitselftohis
character.He’supsetbecauseheseesalightoninthebathhouseafterhoursandthinkit’soneoftheoldwomensneaking
in.

Hiseyescatchonsomethinginthewater,aglitteringtail.Kneelingontheground,hemovestowardtheedgetopeerover
thelipofthepool.Thecameraanglestocatchmyslowemergence,thewatercascadingoffmyjeweledhair.Irememberhow
uncomfortableI’dfelttryingnottoblink,andI’mgladthatIhadn’t,becausetheeffectisquitelovely.Asecondcamera
showsaclose-upofNathaniel’sexpression.IknowwhatIwasthinking—I’dbeenfreakingoutthathehadn’tdeliveredhislineyet—butheappearsarrested,hiseyesrovingovermy
face.Iexpectthedirectortohavecutthescene,buthekeptthelongpause.NathanielandIstareateachother,asif
struckbyoneanother.

Thenthemomentcomes.Liftingmyselfoutofthewater,Ibringmylipstohis.
ThenIfallbackintothewaterandthesceneends.
“Omona!”Ajummashouts.
There’stenmoreminutesleftintheepisodebutmyphonefloodswithmessages.
MINSORI,Angelatexts.Atthesametime,GiTaekmessages,I’mscandalized.Then,inaseparatetext,Thatoutfitwasoutofthisworld.
Jennytextsahundred!!!s.
Istareatmyphone,hopingforthechirpsignalinganothermessage,thisonefromNathaniel.Butitdoesn’tcome.Maybehe
didn’twatchtheepisode?

“Sori-yah,”Ajummasays,pointingattheTV,“you’remissingtherest.”
TheepisodeendswithHyemi’scharactergivingtheconchtoSun’scharacterinthemarketplace.Heregainshismemories,including
thefactthatitwashisstorm,broughtaboutbyapettytantrum,whichdestroyedtheheroine’sfamily’sbusiness,leadingtoalltheirmisfortunes.

Aftertheepisodeends,IreadthecommentsonEBC’shomepage.
IthinkthescreenwriterisaMinLeefan.
Theirchemistryissoconvincing!
Isn’tthistoofarforacameo?
IcanadmitthatWooHyemiknowshowtoact.
MinSoriisblessed.
Theylooklikethey’reinlove.
AsI’mreadyingforbed,myphonepingswithanewmessage,forwardedfromSecretaryPark.
Tothemanagementoftalent,MinSori,
AstheCEOofEBC,I’mreachingouttoinviteMinSoritocohostourannualEBCAwards,scheduledfornextweekend.Inthepastfewweeks,MinSori,withhercharmandbeauty,hasstruckaresonantchordwithouraudience.Heron-screenchemistrywithNathanielLee,ofthepopularidolgroupXOXO,inspiredustoreachouttoinvitehimashercohostforthisyear’sawards.IlookforwardtoMinSori’spositiveresponsetothisinvitation.
Yourswithadmiration,
KimSeo-Yeon,CEOofEBCThirty
Thenextmorning,ItypeoutamessagetoNathanielandpressSend,hoppingintotheshowerbeforeIcansecond-guessmyself.
Ikeptthemessagebrief.Areyougoingtosayyes?WhenIgetoutoftheshower,Ihaveamissedcall.Myheartbeatpicksup,onlytodeflatewhenIseethatit’sfromSecretary
Park.

Shewouldhavetextedifitwasurgent,soIfinishupgettingreadyfortheday,blow-dryingandstylingmyhair,aswell
asgoingthroughmyskincareroutine—toner,essence,ampoule,serum,sheetmask,eyecream,moisturizer,andsunscreen.

IcallSecretaryParkwhilesittingdownforbreakfast.Shepicksupafterthefirstring.
“Perfecttiming.Iwasjustabouttocallyouagain.TheproducerofTheWooriandWoogiShowinvitedyoubackforafollow-upepisode,scheduledforlatertoday.LeeByeolandTsukumoriRinahavealreadyagreedto
returnasguests.”

“Ican’t,”Isay,andimmediatelyfeelguiltybecausethere’sapossibilitythatifIdon’tparticipate,they’llcancelthe
episode,astheywon’thaveallthreeoriginalguests.“IwantedtogoandsupportHyemi,”Iexplain.ASAP’sschedulewas
canceledyesterday,buttheyhaveaperformanceatadifferentmusicshowtonight.

SecretaryParktakessuchalongtimetoreplythatIcheckmyphonetoseeifthecalldropped.“Hyemiandtheothermembers
agreedthatshewouldn’tpromotewiththegroupfornow.”

“What?”Isay,loudenoughthatAjummalooksupfromwhereshe’ssnappingthetailsoffbeansproutsacrossthetable.She’sleavingtonighttogoonasparetreatwithherfriendsdownsouth.She’llbegoneforthewholeweek.
SecretaryParkclearsherthroat.“Hyemifeltlikeshewasburdeningthegirls,andalsothatshewasn’tintherightmindset
toperform.Theothermemberssupportedherandsaidtheywouldwaituntilshewasreadytoresumepromotions,butHyemiinsisted.
Shesaiditwouldmakeherfeelworsetoknowtheotherscouldn’tperformbecauseofher.”

Oh,Hyemi.“Whereisshenow?”Ipushbackmychair.Ishouldgotoher,makesureshe’sallright,thatshe’snotcryingandmaking
herselfsickwithheartbreak.

Ipause.
ExceptthatI’vealreadymadeplanstoseemyfatherthismorning,andIneedtospeakwithhimassoonaspossible.

“She’swithherfather.Ithinkyoushoulddotheradioshow,”SecretaryParksays.“IftheyaskaboutHyemi,ortheepisode
fromlastnight,youcansaysomethinginsupportofher.”

Inod.“That’sagoodidea.”
IhangupwithSecretaryParkandcallHyemi,butafterafewringsitswitchestoanautomatedvoicemessage.
Itextherinstead.Areyoubusytonight?AnewcaféopenednearSeoulForest.Wanttocheckitout?
Ittakesmetwohourstotravelbybustomygrandmother’shouseinSuwontothesouthofSeoul,whichgivesmetimetomull
overhowneitherNathanielnorHyemihaverespondedtomytexts.

Hyemi’slackofresponseworriesme.She’snevertakenthislongtoreplybacktooneofmymessagesbefore.She’swithherfather,sosheshouldbeallright.Isshetellinghimthatshewantstoquitthegroup?
OpeningmymessagehistorywithNathanielismorepainful.Beforemytextthismorning,thereareadozenmessagesfromhim
Saturdaynight,askingwhereIam,worryingaboutifI’mokay.Andthenbeforethat…

Ican’twaittoseeyoutonight.
Healsohasnevertakenthislongtorespondtoatext,atleastwhenhehashisphonewithhim.Hehasn’treadmymessage,buthe
mighthaveseenitpopupasanotificationandswipeditaway,sothatitonlyappearsasifhehasn’treadit.

I’mmotionsickbythetimeIgetoffthebusandhavetowalkanothertwentyminutesuphillinmystrappyheelstoreach
thefrontgateofmygrandmother’shouse.

Ipresstheintercomandsmilesweatilyatmygrandmother’shousekeeperwhobuzzesmethrough.
Thehouseisasinglestorybutspreadoutovertwothousandsquaremetersofspace,withfloor-to-ceilingwindowsthatface
Gwanggyosan,themountainnorthofSuwon.Itsloftypeaksappearmistyagainsttheskyline.AsIheadupthemanicuredwalkway,
Ispotmovementthroughtheclearglasswindows—Mrs.Shin,thehousekeeper,onherwaytoinformmyfatherandgrandmother
ofmyarrival.

She’sleftthefrontdooropen.Iunstrapmyheelsinthefoyer,wincingattheredlinesindentedintomyankles,andtoe
onthehouseslippersMrs.Shinhasleftoutforme.

Myfatherandgrandmotherarewaitinginthediningroom,whichisthelargestroomofthemansion,withthehighestceilings.Thewholeroomechoeswiththesoftslidingsoundsofmyslippers.
Ibowuponentering.WhenIraisemyhead,I’msurprisedtoseetheyhaveanotherguest.
“Eomma?”
“Sori?”She’sasshockedtoseeme.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Shecametovisitherfatherandgrandmother.Isthatnotallowed?”Halmeoni’ssharpvoiceringsacrosstheroom.
“Myapologies,Eomeoni,”mymothersays,quietly.
Isitgingerlybesidemymother,facingmyfatherandgrandmother.
Brunchishansikservedinbeautifulceramicdishware—dozensofsmalldishesarrangedneatlyonthetablebyMrs.Shinand
herassistant.

Thefoodisexquisite,preparedasitisbymygrandmother’scook.Iwouldenjoythemealmoreifitweren’tfortheawkward
atmospheremakingitdifficulttoswallow.

“Apologiesforbringingthisupagain,”mymothersays,andIrealizeImusthaveinterruptedherwithmyarrival.“Iwould
onlyborrowthemoneyforashortperiodoftime.Iwouldreturnitasearlyasnextmonth.”

Ikeepmyexpressionneutral.She’shereformoney?
“Haven’tyoutakenenoughfrommyson?”Halmeonisays,hervoiceechoingoffthewalls.“Youhavenoshame.It’sbecauseyou
didn’thaveparentstoraiseyou.Itdoesn’tmatterthatyourauntisapersonofconsequence.Sheneveradoptedyou.Orphans
neverlearnhumility.”

“Eomeoni,”myfatherchidesaffectionately.“Let’snotsquabbleamongfamily.”
“Family?”shescoffs.
“Yes,myfamily,”myfathersays,andhiseyeslandbrieflyonme,beforenarrowingonmymother.“Sori-eomma,Iunderstandwhatyou’re
asking.I’llofcourselendyouthemoney.”

“You’llhavetosignacontract.”Halmeonisniffs.“Andtherewillbeinterest.Hecan’tjustgiveittoyou.”
“Yes,Eomeoni,”mymothersays,loweringhereyes.“Sori-abeoji,”shesays,turningtomyfather.“CanIspeakwithyouin
private?”

“Why?Soyoucanmakethreats?”Halmeoniaccuses.
Myfatherignoresmygrandmother,pushingbackhischairandrisingfromthetable.Together,myparentsheadtowardmyfather’s
officeattheotherendofthehouse.

Afewminuteslater,Iexcusemyselffromthetable,sayingIneedtousetherestroom.
Mymother’svoicetrailsfrommyfather’soffice,thedoorcrackedopenasliver.“Sori-appa,Kyung-mo-yah…Idon’task
youformanythings.”

“Andyetyoudoask.It’s,honestly,shameful.Ifyouwerebettereducated,hadabetterupbringing,youwouldknowthis.”
Ifmymothertakesoffensetotheseinsults,hercalmvoicedoesn’tshowit.“Ifyou’resellingyoursharestoKS,thenthe
moneyI’mborrowingtosaveJoahwon’tmatter.”

“Ihaven’tdecidedyet.ThedecisionsImakearen’tjustforme.Ihavemorepeopletoconsiderthanonlymyself.Myrole
inourgovernmentisnotahobby.PleaseunderstandthatifIdoselltheshares,it’snothingpersonalagainstyou.”

Iquietlyreturntothediningtable.I’msittingtherewhenmymotherpassesthroughafewminuteslater.ShebowstoHalmeoni.“I’mleaving,Eomeoni.Pleasestayhealthy.”
“Ungratefulchild.”Halmeoniclickshertongue.
Ifollowmymotheroutside,whereshe’sstoppedonthestonepathway.
“Eomma?”
Sheturnsbacktolookatme,andmyheartdropsatthesightoftearsinhereyes.Shequicklywipesthemaway.“Thewind,”
shesaysweakly.“It’sstronghere.”

“Youcouldhavetoldmeyouwantedtovisityourgrandmother,”shesays.“Iwouldhavesentacar.Icanwaitforyounow…”
Ican’ttellhertherealreasonIcameheretoday.“No,I’mfine.”
Iknowshe’sstayedinthismarriagebecauseoftheshares,butIwonderifit’sworthit.Howcansheenduresuchcruelty
fromthem?

“Familycanbedifficult,can’tthey?”shesays,asoftsighinhervoice.“Butit’sgoodtohavefamily.It’shardtobe
aloneinthisworld.”

Aftermymotherleaves,Ilookformyfather,findinghimstillinhisoffice,smokingacigarettebytheopenwindow.
“AboutyoursharesofJoah,”Ibegin.“Iwantthem.Asmyinheritance.”
Hisexpressiondoesn’tchangeexceptforaninfinitesimalliftingofhisbrow.
“I’lldowhateverittakes.”TosaveJoah.Tosavemymother.
“CEOCha’snephew,”hesays,blowingoutalongstreamofsmoke.“He’sstillaskingaboutyou.”
IclosemyhearttoNathaniel.Hecan’thelpmenow.
“I’llmeetwithhim,”Isay.Myfatherwon’tsellhissharestoKS,notifhe’sgivingthemtome.
“I’llhaveSecretaryLeesendoverhisinformation.”
Myfatherwalksmeoutsidethegate,whereSecretaryLeewaitstodrivemebacktoSeoul.“I’dsayyou’relikeyourmother,
butyou’remuchsmarter,Sori,”myfathersays.“Youknowhowtomaketherightdeals.No…”Ilookuptofindhimstudying
me,acalculatinglookinhiseye.“You’remuchmorelikeme.”

Inthebackseatofthecar,ItextHyemiagain.Areyouokay?Pleaseanswer.I’mworried.
Nathanielstillhasn’tresponded,butthat’snotsurprising.MyphonepingswithamessagefromSecretaryLee,containing
detailsaboutCEOCha’snephew.IpluginChaDonghyun’snumber.Donghyun-ssi,Iwrite,thisisMinSori.Myfathergavemeyournumber.Ihopethisisn’ttooforward,butI’minterestedinmeetingyou.Ifeelnumb,myheartlikeice.

Threeminuteslater,Ireceivearesponse.Ididn’tthinkyou’dreachout.I’msohappy,Sori-ssi.AreyoufreeWednesday?
WednesdayisthelaunchofNathaniel’ssong.
Itextback,I’mfree.
“We’rebackwithourguests,TsukumoriRina,LeeByeol,andthetrendymodelturnedvarietyshowqueen,MinSori,whoalso
madeanappearanceonlastnight’sepisodeofTheSeaPrince!”

Byeolsniffs.Sun’sdramahasovertakenSpringtimeBlossomastheshowwiththehighestnumberofviewersintheirsharedtimeslot.

Therecordingproceedsverymuchlikethepreviousepisode,withthethreeofusansweringaquestionfromacaller.This
time,it’saboyaskingadviceonhowheshouldconfesstohisoldersister’sbestfriend,who’sagradeabovehim.Rinaand
Byeolsquealattheforbiddenlove—anoldergirl,hissister’sbestfriend!

I’dalsobecaughtupintheromanceexceptthatthenumbnessfrombeforepersists.It’slikeI’mseeingandhearingeverything
fromunderwater
“Andnowforthegameportionofourepisode,”Wooriexclaimsexcitedly.“Likeourpreviousepisode,eachcontestantwill
callthemostfamouspersonintheirphone!”

“It’snoquestionwhoyoushouldcall,Sori-ssi,”Woogisays,skippingtheotherguestsentirely.
Ittakesmeafullminutetorealizewhathe’ssaying.HemeansNathaniel
Itneveroccurredtomethattheymighthavedecidedtohaveafollow-upepisodeforthisreasonalone,totakeadvantage
ofNathaniel’sandmynewfoundpopularityasavarietyshowcouple.

“Won’therboyfriendbejealous?”LeeByeolquips,referringtomy“Boyfriend”fromthepreviousepisode.
Theyhookupmyphone,whichluckilyblockstheactualnumber,otherwisetheymightrecognizeit.
AmIreallyabouttofakeafakerelationshipwithNathaniel?

Thephoneringsandringsandrings.
Thenthere’sanaudibleclickandanautomatedvoicemessageplays,thesamethathadplayedearlierwhenI’dcalledHyemi.
I’mtoowearytofeelembarrassed.I’malsoslightlyrelieved.NathanielandIhaven’tspokensinceourfight,andIdon’tknowifIwantthefirsttimetobeonapublicradioshow.
“Icancallsomeone!”Byeolsaybrightly.Shecallsthesamecostarfrombefore,butnowthey’reclearlyonmorefriendly
terms,astheyspeakcasually,inbanmal.

Theproducerduckshisheadintotherecordingstudio,wavinghishandstogetWoori’sattention.“MinSoriisreceivinga
callfromNathanielLee,”hehisses.

“Oh!Gethimontheline!”
Byeol’scostarissummarilyshovedoffthecall.
WhyisNathanielcallingbackwhenhehadn’trespondedtomymessages?
“Nathaniel-ssi?”Woogisays,“ThisisWoogifromTheWooriandWoogiShow.I’mherewithoneofourguests,MinSori.Doyouhavetimetoplayashortgamewithher?”

There’saloudmetallicsound,thensomeone’svoiceinthebackground—agirl’svoice.Myheartstaggers.He’swithsomeone.
Agirl.
“Sorry,”hesays.He’sslightlyoutofbreath.“Whatdidyousay?”
“ThisisWoogifromTheWooriandWoogiShow.I’mwithMinSori.Thechallengewastocallsomeone—”

“Whereareyou,Nathaniel-ssi?”Wooriinterrupts.
“I’matabattingcage.”
“Itsoundslikeyou’rewithsomeone.”
“Justsomefriends.”
“Don’tsaythat,Nathaniel-ssi,”Wooricroons.“You’llhurtSori-ssi’sfeelings.”
“Ohno,please,”Isay,wavingmyhandsintheair.I’mrelievedthatNathanielcan’tseemyface,whichismostdefinitelyred.
“Youcancome,Sori,”Nathanielsays.Hisvoicehasgottenclearer,asifhe’smovedawayfromwherehewasbefore.“I’ll
waitforyou.”

Rinasqueals.Byeol’seyesdarttome,aquestioninglookinhereyes.
Mycheeksgrowhot.Iknowhe’sjustplay-actingfortheshow.OntheTVmonitor,Icanseethetotaloflivelistenerspractically
doubleinnumber.

“Thegameissimple,”Woogiexplains.“We’regoingtoaskSoriwhethershelikesordislikessomething.She’llholdupan
XfordislikingoranOforliking,whichthosewatchingthevideofeedwillbeabletosee.”Ihavesmallpaddlespaintedwiththelettersinfront
ofme.“Youhavetomatchhertwooutofthreetimestowin?1000000toacharityofherchoice.Doyouunderstand?”

“Iunderstand,”Nathanielsays.
“Okay.Sori-ssi,holdupwhetheryoulikeordislike…”
“Grapefruit,”Woorisays.
IimmediatelyholduparedX
“Dislike,”Nathanielsays,afterabriefpause.“Sorilovesgrapes,butshehatesgrapefruit.”
“Youknowhersowell!HowlonghaveyouknownNathaniel,Sori-ssi?”
“Foralmostsixyears,”Isaysoftly.
“That’salongtime.Youtwomustbeclose.”
“NathanielhelpedmewithalotoftroubleswhenIwasinmiddleschool.Becauseofthat,hewillalwaysbeagoodfriend
tome.”

IwishIcouldseeNathaniel’sexpression.He’ssilentontheotherendoftheline.
“Okay,nextquestion.Sori-ssi,holdupwhetheryoulikeordislike…”
“Snakes.”
ByeolandRinashiver.
“Like,”Nathanielsays,atthesametimeIholduptheOsign.“Sorilikesallanimals.”

“Thisisrevealingalotaboutyourrelationship,Sori-ssi,”Woogisays.“Areyousureyou’renotmorethanfriends?”Helaughs,
clearlymeaningforhiswordstobeajest.

“Lastquestion.Youalreadywonthedonationof?1000000,sothisbonusroundisforanextra?500000towardacharityofNathaniel’schoice.Sori-ssi,holdupwhetheryoulikeordislike…”

“NathanielLeeofXOXO,”Woogifinishes.
“Youshouldclarify,Oppa,”Wooriscolds.“Shejustadmittedthatthey’vebeenfriendsforsixyears.Ofcourseshelikes
him.”

Woogiclearshisthroat.“Letmerephrase,doyouhavefeelingsthataremorethanfriendshipforNathanielLeeofXOXO?”
Yes,Iwanttoanswer.

BeforeIcan,Nathanielsays,“I’lldonate?500000ofmyown.”

“Youdon’twanthertoanswer?”
“Iknowtheanswer.”
Theguests,andthehosts,swoon.
“Thankyousomuchforplayingwithus,Nathaniel-ssi!DoyouhaveanythingyouwanttosaytoSori-ssibeforeyougo?”
“Nathaniel!”It’sthatvoiceagain.“Whoareyoutalkingto?”thegirlsaysinEnglish.“It’syourturnatbat!”
“Ihavetogo,”Nathanielsays.“Thanksforhavingme.”Thephonelinegoesdead.
“Oppa,isitjustme,ordoyouhaveafeelingofdéjàvu?”Wooriasks.
“Ifeelittoo,Woori.Nathaniel-ssisoundssimilartoyourex-boyfriend,doesn’the,Sori-ssi?Maybeit’sthattheyhave
similarpersonalities?”

I’mbarelylisteningtowhatthey’resaying,akeeninginmyears.
Irecognizedthatvoice.Hyemi.Thirty-one
Aftertheshow,Ijumpintoataxi.LookingupthebattingcagesnearesttoHyemi’sapartment,Igivetheaddresstothedriver
andsitbackintheseat.I’monlygoingbecauseI’mworriedaboutHyemi.ShetoldmethatshehasfeelingsforNathaniel.
Ifsheconfessestohim,hisrejection,howevergentle,willdevastateher.Hemusthaveinvitedherouttomakeherfeel
better,thoughIcan’tfigureouthowtheyendeduptheretogether.

It’snotjustasimplecrushsheconfessedtohavingeither.IcanseehertextfromthreenightsagoevenwhenIclosemy
eyes.IthinkI’minlovewithNathaniel.
ItextGiTaekandAngelaontheway,formoralsupport.
Soyou’regoingtheresothatyoucantalktoHyemi?GiTaekwrites.

He’sstilltypingwhenAngelaadds,IthasnothingtodowiththefactthatHyemiiswithNathaniel,andyouwanttomakesurethere’snothinggoingonbetween
them?
Yes,Itypequickly.Thefirst.
Okay,whateveryousay!???
Howdoyouevenknowwhereheis?ThisfromGiTaek.

ItypeoutthelongexplanationofhowIwasontheradioshowandNathanielsaidhewasatthebattingcages.
Won’thisfansdothesamething?
IstareatGiTaek’smessage.Ihadn’tthoughtofthat.Ithinkit’llbeokay.I’monlygoingtochecktheone.It’snotnearJoahbutHyemi’sapartment.
Textuswhenyoumeetupwithhim,GiTaekmessages.It’slate.
Fighting!
No,Angela,Itypeout,I’mjustgoingtheretocheckonHyemi.
???!Okay!

Ipaythedriverandexitthetaxiontoaquietstreet.It’smoresecludedthanIimagined,tuckedinanetworkofalleys
behindoneofthelargerboulevards.Asinglestreetlightilluminatesagreensingle-storybuildingwithaflickeringsignboard
thatreadsHOMERUNHITS!
Ipressopenthedoor,peeringinsidebeforesteppingthrough.Thebuildingisdividedintoasmallentranceareainthefront,
withcagesintheback,separatedbyachain-linkfence.There’saphotoboothagainstthewallandafewoldarcadegames.
Theattendantmusthavesteppedoutforamomentbecausetheroomisempty.
Iheartheloudcrackofabaseballhittingametalbat.Slowly,Iapproachthefence.Allthecagesareemptyexceptfor
thelastonewheretwopeoplestand.IrecognizeHyemi’slaugh,brighterandclearerthanithadbeenovertheradio.Ican’t
seeNathaniel’sface;hisbackistome.Hyemiwearsahelmetthat’stoolargeforher,andshe’slaughingwhilefiddling
withthestraps.She’shavingadifficulttimeofit,soNathanielreachesup,hislongerfingersadjustingthestrapsfor
her.Afterward,heraisesafistandknocksitgentlyagainstthetopofherhelmet.Shegrins,swattingathim.

Ifeelodd,light-headed.They’dbothbeenignoringmytextsallday.Isthiswhy?Becausetheyweretogether?Thenthere’s
movementasanotherpersoncomesintoview.

Jaewoo.They’renotalone.Hemusthavebeenseatedbefore,whichiswhyIhadn’tseenhim.HetakesthebatthatHyemiholdsouttohim.

Facingoutfromthecage,heraisesthebat.Apitchingmachinereleasesaballandheswingsthebat,connectingwiththe
ball.Itsoarsskywardbeforecollidingwithahighnetanddroppingtotheground.

HyemishoutsinEnglish,“Homerun!”
Irealize,asJaewoocontinueshisturnwiththebat,thatthey’respeakingentirelyinEnglish.Icanonlyhearsnatchesoftheirconversation,echoingbacktowhereIlingerbythefence.Thoughit’sonly
JaewooandHyemi’svoices.Istrainmyears,butIcan’tpickoutNathaniel’samongthem.

Thenit’sNathaniel’sturn.AshetakesthebatfromJaewoo,Icatchsightofhisfaceforthefirsttime.
Therearedarkshadowsbeneathhiseyes,asifhehasn’tsleptwellthepastfewnights.Helookstired.And…unhappy.
Helookssad.MychestachesandIsuddenlywanttocry.
Heswingsthebatwithbothhandsbeforeadjustinghisgriponthehandle,bringingitlevelwithhisshoulders.Heturns
tofacethemachine.Itshootsoutaball,sofastIalmostmissit.

Heswings,hard.HarderthanJaewoohad.Theballconnectswiththebatandgoesflying.
Hyemijumpstoherfeet.“Homerun!”
Themachinereleasesanotherballinquicksuccession—hemusthaveadjustedthespeed.Jaewoohadmoreofalullbetweenpitches.
Nathanielswingsagain,evenharderthistime;theballricochetstotheleft,hittingapole.Foulball.Hecontinues,not
lettingup.Witheveryswing,theballsoars,catchingatthebackofthenet.

“Hey,”IhearJaewooshout.“Slowdown.”
Hedoesn’t.Hekeepsswingingharder,faster.
Bythetimehe’sfinishedwithhisturn,myheartisracing.
“Let’stakeabreak,”IhearJaewoosay,andthenHyemiisroundingthecorner.She’scomingthisway.Iquicklyturntowardthephotoboothandduckinside,catchingaglimpseofherasshewalkspastmyhidingspottowardthe
bathrooms.Ican’tbelieveIjusthidfromher.WhathaveIbeenreducedto?Pushingbackthedrapes,Istepcautiouslyoutofthebooth.

Makingmywaybacktothefence,Imovefartheralongit,gettingascloseaspossibletothelastcagewithoutsteppinginto
view.

“I’mnotsurethisishelping,”IhearJaewoosay.HeandNathanielarebothsittingonthebench,withNathanielleaning
hisheadbackagainstthechain-link.

What’snothelping?Hadn’ttheycometocheerupHyemi?Fromthewaysheskippedpastthephotobooth,I’dconsidertheir
missionaccomplished.

Nathanieldoesn’trespond,andIpresscloser.
“Doyoufeelanybetter?”Jaewooaskssoftly.
“No,”Nathanielsays,andhisvoicedoesn’tsoundlikeitdidovertheradio—casual,unaffected.Itsoundsbroken.“Itstill
hurtslikehell.”

It’sasifmybodymovesofitsownvolition,movingtowardthegatethatseparatesus.
IfinallyadmittomyselfthatIdidn’tcomehereforHyemi;IcamebecauseIwantedtobewithNathaniel,andbecauseIwasjealous.
Iclosemyhandaroundthelatchofthegate.
Inmypocket,myphonevibrateswithamessage.GiTaekandAngela,wonderingifIfoundNathaniel,ifI’msafe.Iwantto
ignoretheirmessage,butIalsodon’twantthemtocallthecops.

Itakeoutmyphone.It’satextfromChaDonghyunWhataboutlunchonWednesday?Icanpickyouup.
Thenumbnessfrombeforefreezesmeinplace,stealingawaymywill,myhope,mybreath.
I’vealreadymademydecision.IfIwalkthroughthesedoors,ifIgotoNathanielnow,I’llbemakingapromiseIcan’tkeep.
Ireleasemyhandfromthegate.BeforeIcanchangemymind,Iturnandrushoutthedoors…
Andintoacrowd.
Foramoment,Ijuststandthere,disoriented.
Thenagirlpointsatme,soclosethatIcanseetheheart-shapedrhinestoneonherfingernail.“Isn’tthatMinSori?”
Suddenlyfacesareturningtowardme,phonesbeinglifted.Icovermyfacewithmyhands,theshutterandclickofcameras
goingoffallaroundme
“Sori-eonni,lookatme!”
“MinSori,I’mafan.”
“Giveherspace!”agirlshouts.ThecrowdsurgesforwardandItripandfall;myphoneskitters,disappearingintotherush
offeet.

Iseeagapinthecrowd,andoninstinct,Istandupandrun.Thestudentshangback,butsomeoftheolderpeople,mencarryinglargeDSLRcameras,follow.
Tabloidreporters.Paparazzi.
Theychasemedownthestreet.Itakealeft,realizingtoolatethatI’mheadingawayfromthemainboulevard.

Thestreetsaredarkerhere.Icanhardlyseemyfeethittingthepavement.
TheonlyadvantageIhaveisthatI’msmaller,quicker.Catchingsightofanarrowalley,Idartinside,onlytocryoutwhen
Irealizeit’sadeadend.Backtracking,Ispotatinyspacebetweengarbagebinsandlowermyselftotheground.Ilisten
tothepoundingoffeetasthepaparazzirushpastmyhidingplace.

Ipullmykneestomychest.Idon’thavemyphone,soIcan’tcallanyone.GiTaekwarnedmethatthiscouldhappen.Ihadn’t
takenhimseriously.Oratleast,Ihadn’twantedto.AllIcouldthinkaboutwasreachingNathaniel.Ishiftontheground,
thenwince,noticingatrickleofbloodsweepingdownmyleg.ImusthavescrapedmykneewhenIfell.

Ishouldleavethisalley.I’mtrappedherewithnowheretorun.Ifoneofthepaparazzishouldcircleback…
There’sanoiseoutsidethealley.Footstepsfromthedirectionthemenhadrunearlier.Someone’scoming.Istand,looking
forawayout,adoor,aladder,butit’sallbrick.Ifeelpanicovertakeme,myheartpalpitating
“Sori!”
Nathaniel.
Heskidsintothealley,asifhe’dbeensprinting.Hiseyesarebright,hisbreathragged.
Cryingout,Irushtowardhim.Hisarmscirclearoundme,holdingmeclose.“God,I’msogladIfoundyou.Areyouhurt?”
Ishakemyhead,unabletospeak.
“Whyareyouhere?Weren’tyoujustontheradioshow?”
I’mherebecauseIwasjealous,andIwantedtobewithyou.
ButIcan’ttellhimthat.
“Everything’sfine,”hebreathes,“aslongasyou’reokay.”
IrealizeI’mclingingtohim.Iletgoandstepback.Hefrownsslightly.
“Howdidyoufindme?”Iask.
“Afewfanssawyoucomedownthisway.”Hepauses.“Theydirectedthetabloidreportersinadifferentdirection.”
“I’msoirresponsible,”Igroan.“There’sgoingtobeahugescandalbecauseofme.”
“Maybe,”hesays.
Iglareathim.“WhatareyoudoingwithWooHyemi?”
“Hyemi?”hesays.Myheartpangsathiscasualuseofhername.“IwasatJoah.Shewastherewithherfather,pickingup
someofherstuff.Shelookedupset,soIinvitedheroutwithJaewooandme.”

It’sclosetowhatIthoughtmighthavehappened.
“Weshouldheadback,”hesays.“Comeon.Jaewooshouldbewaitingforusoverthisway.”Heholdsouthishand,andItake
it.Slowly,wemakeourwaytowardthemainboulevard,emergingontoawell-litstreet.JaewooandHyemiwaitoutsidehis
carthat’sparkedbythecurb.

“Eonni!”Hyemisays,spottingme.Nathanielletsgoofmyhandassherushesover.
“Ihaveyourphone,”shesays.“Ifounditontheground.”Sheholdsitouttome.
“Thankyou,Hyemi-yah,”Isay.Thescreenhasacrack,butotherwiseitstillworks.
“Thatwassoscary!”
“Whathappened?”Iask.
“Wenoticedsomethinggoingonoutside,”Jaewoosays,walkingover.“Whenwecameout,agirlexplainedwhathadhappened,
thatyouwerehere,andthatthetabloidreportershadchasedyou.Afewofthegirl’sfriendshadfollowedyoutomakesure
youweresafe.Nathaniel…”

Hetrailsoff,hisgazefocusingonNathanielbesideme.Hedoesn’thavetoexplainthisnextpart.Nathanielhadgoneafter
me.

“Weshouldgetoutofhere,”Nathanielsays.“Thosetabloidreportersmightstillbelurkingaround.”
Jaewoonods,headingtothedriver’ssideofthecar.
Nathanielpassesbymetoopenthefrontpassengerdoor.
“Eonni,youshouldsitinthefrontthistime,”Hyemisays,havingapparentlyriddeninthefrontonthewayhere.Before
Icananswer,sheroundsthecartotheotherside.

Nathanielhasn’tmovedfromholdingopenthedoor.AsIslipintothecar,IhaveabriefmemoryofasimilarmomentinNew
YorkCity,whenNathanielhadcalledoverataxiforme.

AsIadjustmyskirt,Nathanielsucksinabreath.“Sori,you’rebleeding.”
I’dforgottenaboutthescrapefrommyfall.Ithardlyhurtsanymore.
Nathanielpushesbackthedoorthewidestitwillgo,thenleansforwardtoopentheglovecompartment,removingthefirst-aid
kit.

Crouchingontheground,hegentlyshiftsmyskirtawayfrommyknee.Ablushcreepsupmyneck.Self-consciously,Iglance
atJaewoo,buthe’slookingdownathisphone.AsforHyemi,Ican’tseeherunlessIturnaroundinmyseat.

ThenI’mbroughtbacktomyself,wincingasNathanielpressesanalcoholswabtothewound.Hiseyesflickeruptomeetmine.
Forabriefmoment,heholdsmygaze,lettingmeseehowunhappyheis.Thenhedropshiseyes,applyingBacitracintothe
woundandpressingaBand-Aidsecurelyoverit.

“Ifyouneedhelp,”hesayssoftly,risingtohisfeet,“youshouldsaysomething.”
Heclosesmydoorbeforeopeningtheback,slidingintohisseat.
Jaewooguidesthecaroutofthestreetandontothemainboulevard.
Aswe’recrossingthebridgeovertheHanRiver,Hyemipointstoaglowingwheelinthedistance.“Look,theyfinishedbuilding
theFerriswheel.”

WedropoffHyemifirst,andthenit’sNathaniel,Jaewoo,andme.
AsJaewooturnsontomystreet,Nathanielbreaksthesilence.“You’restillgoingtothelaunchofmysong,right?It’sthis
Wednesday.”

ThetextmessagefromChaDonghyunburnsaholeinmypocket.Ihaven’trespondedtohimyet.“Ican’t.Somethingcameup.I’msorry.”
Nathanieldoesn’trespond.Likebefore,Ican’tlookathimunlessIturninmyseat,soIcontinuefacingforward.
“Doyou…”Itakeabreath.“Doyounotwanttohosttheawardsshow?”Iwouldn’tblamehim.I’vedonenothingbuthurt
anddisappointhim.

“Didn’tSecretaryParktellyou?Isaidyes.”
“Youdid?”ThistimeIdoturnaround,buthe’sgazingoutthewindow,hischininhishand.
Isitback.“Shedidn’t.”
Jaewoofinallypullsupoutsidemygate.Nathanielgetsoutofthebackseattositinthefront.Hedoesn’tlookatmewhen
hepassesme.“Night,Sori,”JaewoosaysfromwithinthecarbeforeNathanielshutshisdoor.Theydon’tdriveoffimmediately,
andIrealizethey’rewaitingformetogothroughthegate.

Turning,Ikeyinthecodeandhurryinside.IwaituntilIhearthesoundofJaewoo’scarmovingbackdownthehillbefore
slowlytrudgingupthestepstomydark,emptyhousealone.
Thirty-two
ChaDonghyunpicksmeupfrommyhouselateinthemorningonWednesdayanddrivesustoalunchrestaurantinthetrendy
areaofYeonnam,theneighborhoodbesideHongikUniversity.Therestaurantdoesn’ttakereservations,butDonghyunknowsthe
owner,sowepassthelonglineofpeoplewaitingoutsideandarepromptlyseatedonanupper-floorterraceoverlookinga
quietstreet.

Isettlemypurseontomylap,sothatIcanfeelmyphonevibrateshouldIgetanycallsortexts.Iexpect,atanymoment,
togetonefromSecretaryPark,informingmethatanarticlewaspostedaboutNathanielandmebeingspottedtogetheroutside
thebattingcages.Luckily,thereshouldn’tbeanyactualpicturesofNathanielandmetogether,justthefactthatwewereatthesamelocation.That’snotascandal,asJaewooand
Hyemiwerealsothere.Joah’sPRteamcanspiniteasilyasfourfriendsfromthesamecompanygoingouttogether.Atleast
Ihopeso.

“Sori-ssi,Ican’ttellyouhowhappyIamthatyoucontactedme.”Acrossfromme,ChaDonghyunsmilesshyly.He’sdressed
simplyinabutton-downshirtandslacks,thoughIknowthesumtotalofhisoutfitisprobablyacouplemillionwon.Helooks
likeanactor,withhispaleskinandclearcomplexion.Hismostcharmingfeaturesarehisears,whichstickoutratheradorably.

“Iapologizeformyuncle.”Heblushes,hiswhitecomplexionmakingitdifficultforhimtohidehisfeelings.“ItoldhimIwasafanofyoursandhedecidedtodoabitofmatchmaking.Thatmusthavebeenawkwardforyou.”
Ishakemyhead.“Ithinkit’ssweet.I’mmostlysurprisedthatIhaveafan.”Ifmyfatherhadn’tmadeourgettingtogethertransactional,ImighthavefeltcompletelyateasewithChaDonghyun.

“Really?Butyou’resocharmingandbeautiful.Sorry.”
“Thankyou.You’realsoveryhandsome.Andsweet.”He’smakingthissoeasyforme.Icouldaskhimtocalluphisunclenow
anddemandheripupthecontractbetweenKSandJoah.

“Ishouldprobablytellyousomethingsaboutmyself,toseeifyouwant,thatis…”Heclearshisthroat.Hemeansthat
Ishouldknowhisqualificationsbeforeconsideringhimacandidateforaboyfriend.Iforgotthatthisishowsomepeople
ofmysocialclassdate,sharingpedigreestoseeifwe’dmakeagoodmatch.“I’mafirst-yearstudentatSNU.”

Onlyafirst-year?AccordingtothemessagefromSecretaryLee,he’stwenty-one.
“Ialreadyservedmycompulsorymilitaryservice,”heexplains,referringtotheserviceallmaleKoreancitizensmustfulfill.
Nathanielwouldn’thaveto,ashe’sAmerican,butatsomepoint,Sun,Jaewoo,andYoungminwillallenlist.

“I’mstudyingphotography,”hecontinues.
Myeyeswiden.I’dexpectedhimtobestudyingbusinessorsomethingmore…practical,atleastintheeyesofmenlike
hisuncleandmyfather.

“I’vealwayslovedtakingphotos.”Hisgazeconnectswithmine.“Ihaveaneyeforbeauty.”
Iraiseasinglebrow.That’ssomethingNathanielwouldsay.He’dholdmygaze,asmirkonhislips,teasingme,flirtingwithme.
Donghyunmustrealizehowhiswordscomeacrossbecauseheblushestothetipsofhisears.“Thatis,Ilikebringingout
thebeautyinothers.Imean,ithelpswhenthesubjectisalreadybeautiful.Wow,I’mnotrecoveringfromthiswell,amI?”

Ilaugh,findinghimcharming.Withhim,itwouldbeeffortless.He’sclearlytherightchoice.Myfatherwouldgetwhathe
wants.Mymotherwouldhavewhatsheneeds.Thecompanywillbesafe.AndsowillNathaniel.

Theserverapproachesusandtakesourorders.UnlikemyfatherorBaekHaneul,DonghyunasksmewhatIwanttoeatandorders
bothdisheswhenIcan’tdecidebetweenthem.

Ican’thelpwonderingwhatNathanielwoulddo.We’veobviouslynevergoneonadatetoarestaurant,justthetwoofus.
He’dprobablyhaveorderedhisownseparatedishandtheneatenoffmyplate.

“IsawyourcameoonthelatestepisodeofTheSeaPrince.Youwerelovely.I’lladmitIwasabitshockedbytheending.”Herubsthebackofhisneckwithhishand.“Youmustbe
closeto—”

“I’mnot,”Isayquickly.IfChaDonghyunbelievesthere’ssomethingbetweenNathanielandme,hemighttellhisuncle.Who
couldtellmyfather.Ishudderatthethought.“Thatis,wewereclose,but…”

Wecan’tbeanymore.
“Isee,”hesays.Ieyehim.Howmuchdoeshesee?“HeisNathanielLeeofXOXO.Heprobablycan’tdatelikenormalkidshisage.Nottoimplythatyouweredating.”Donghyunsmiles,guileless.
Ishakemyhead.Iwonderifhe’srealizedwhathe’ssaid.Kidshisage,asifNathanielwassomuchyoungerthanhim.

Theserverssetourfoodonthetable,twolargeplattersofpastadishesinfusedwithKoreanspices.Donghyunportionsout
asizableamountofeachpastaontoaseparateplateforme,reachingoverthetabletosetitinfrontofme.Inthecorner
ofmyeye,Iseetwoofthefemaleserverswhisperingtoeachotherandgigglingoverhismanners.

“I’vemethim,”Donghyunsays.“NathanielLee.”
He’scurrentlyinthemiddleofservinghimself,otherwisehemighthaveseenmechokeonacaper.“Youhave?”
“He’scollaboratingwithoneofKS’sartists,Naseol.Wewereintroducedwhenhewasatthecompany.”
Idon’tknowhowI’msupposedtoreacttothisinformation,soIsaynothing.Howwouldanormalgirlwhowasinterestedinhimreacttohismentioninganotherboyshewasnotinlovewithsay?Myheadhurts.

“Heseemsrathercarefree,doesn’the?Thatwasmyimpressionofhim.”
Ifrown.Onlysomeonewhodoesn’tknowNathanielwouldthinkthisabouthim.Hisfriendsknowbetter.Hisfansknowbetter.

Hecaresdeeplyabouthisfamilyandhisbandmates.He’spassionateaboutmusicandperformance.Hehasdozensofinterests
andpursuesthemallfearlessly.Beyondbeingfunnyandkind,he’salsohardworking,reliable,andthemostgenuineperson
Iknow.

He’sneverliedtome.He’ssodifferentthanhowI’vebeenraised,tohidemyemotions,tonevercausediscomfortformyparents.He’salwayshonestwithhisfeelings,evenwhenithurts.HebelieveseverythingIsay,whichissometimesterrifying,becauseIknowIcanhurthimsoeasily;histrustisagift.
Icanfeelmyselfgettingworkedup,whichwillonlyconfuseDonghyun.Itakeadeepbreath.Likebefore,Isaynothing,shifting
thepastaaroundonmyplate.

“Thisdateisgoingsowell,”Donghyunsays,ashemaneuvershiscarfromoutoftheHongikUniversityarea.“Idon’twant
ittoend.”

Ismileathim.Itisgoingwell,muchbetterthanI’dimagined,butIjustwanttogohomeandsleep.Icheckmyphone,butSecretaryParkhasn’t
textedaboutanyscandals.Maybetherewon’tbeone.Twodayshavealreadypassedsincethatnight.It’spossiblethatthetabloidreportershadn’tgottenagoodphoto;
inallofthem,Imustappearscaredandharassed.Notexactlytitillatingnews.

“Sori-ssi,I’msorrytoask,but…”IlookupfrommyphoneatDonghyun,drivingwithbothhandsonthewheel.“Afriend
ofmineishavinganeventnearbyhere.Ihadn’tthoughtIcouldmakeitandwashonestlyfeelingabitguilty.Doyoumind
ifwestopoverforafewminutes?Theeventisalmostover.Ijustwanttooffermycongratulations.”

“Ofcourse,”Isay.“ThoughI’mnotdressedappropriatelyforaparty.”
“Youlookgorgeous.Thatis…”Hecoughs.“It’snotablack-tieevent.”
We’removingalittlefastifI’malreadymeetinghisfriends.
ButI’lleventuallymeetthem.IfI’mtodatehim,I’dhavetocommittotherole.Ifyoudatesomeonewhilebeinginlove
withsomeoneelse,whoareyoubetraying?NathanielandInevermadeanypromisestoeachother.Donghyun,then…

AsIglanceathiseagerface,myheartfillswithself-loathing.
Hepullsupinfrontofasleek,modernbuilding.
Iglanceuneasilyattheredcarpetleadingfromtheportecocheretothefrontdoors.Afewphotographerslinethewalkway,
though,asDonghyunpointedout,we’relate,andmostoftheguestsarealreadyinside.

“Ithoughtyousaiditwasn’tablack-tieevent.”
“It’snot.It’sjustthatphotographerstendtofollowidols,youknow?ButIwantedtosupportNaseol-nuna.”
Naseol.Myheartdropsintomystomach.

“Idon’tknowifIshouldgo.I—Iwasn’tinvited.”It’salie.Iwasinvited,bytheotherguestofhonor.ButIcan’tshow
uptoNathaniel’seventwithadate
“It’sfine,”Donghyunsays,drivinguptothecurb.Ashereachesforthedoorhandle,Igrabhisarm.
“Canwenottellpeoplethatwe’re,youknow…?”
Helooksdownatmyhand,thenupatmyface.“Thatwe’reonadate?”
“Yes,”Isay,slightlyoutofbreath.
“Ofcourse.We’lltellpeoplethatwe’refriends,notthatwecametogether.It’llbeoursecret.”Hepresseshishandto
mine,squeezes,thenletsgo.Ifeelnauseous.

Outside,thephotographersperkupatourentrance.Itrytocovermyfacewithmypurse,butafewofthemrecognizeme.“MinSori,lookthisway!Sori-yah,areyouheretosupportNathaniel?Sori,aretherumorsofareal-lifeMinLeecoupletrue?”I’mremindedoftwonightsago,thereporterscrowdingaroundme,yellingforme.Istumbleonthestepsleadinguptothebuilding.
DonghyuncatchesmyarmbeforeIcanfall,leadingmethroughthedoorsandintothefoyer.I’mbreathingheavily,sweaton
mybrow.

“Sori-ssi?”Donghyunsays,concerninhisvoice.“What’swrong?”
“Donghyun-ah?”
Bothofuslookup.
Naseolstandsinthefoyer,havingapparentlycomeoutfromthemaineventhall,wherethroughthelargeflung-opendoors
astageandscreenareinview,alongwithbanquettables.

She’snotalone.
“Sori,”Nathanielsays.HiseyesmoveslowlyfrommetoDonghyun,who’sstillgrippingmyarm.
“Jihyuk-ah,”Naseolsays,“thisisChaDonghyun,myCEO’snephew.”
“Sori,”Nathanielsaysagain,hisbrowfurrowed.“Areyouokay?”
“I’mfine.Therewerejustalotofcameras…”Itrailoff,meetingNathaniel’seyes.Heisn’teventryingtohidehis
feelings,radiatingconcern,confusion.

Iflush.
WhenIturntoDonghyun,IfindhisgazetrainedonNathaniel,adeepfrownonhisface.
“SoriandIwereonadate,”Donghyunsays.Igapeathim.Iexpresslytoldhimnottosaythis.“ButIwantedtocomecongratulateyou,Nuna.”ThoughhiswordsaremeantforNaseol,hisgazeneverleaves
Nathaniel.

Silencedescendsuponthehall.Ican’tdenywhathe’ssaid.Weare—were—onadate.AndIhaven’tgottenmyfather’ssharesofJoah,thewholereasonwhyI’dgoneonitinthefirstplace,whichIcan’t,of
course,say
“Youmissedtheevent,Donghyun-ah,”Naseolchides,oblivioustothetension.“Butwewerejustonourwaytoarestaurant.
You’rewelcometojoinus.Youandyourgirlfriend.”Shelaughs.

Ifeellight-headed.
Thesoundsofvoicescomefromthemaineventhallasmoreguestsexitintothefoyer.Irecognizesomeofthem:Sun,Jaewoo,
Youngmin,Hyemi,afewKSartists.LeeByeolfromtheradioshow.Theyhaven’tseenusyet.Thethoughtofthemseeingme
withDonghyunfillsmewithdread.HowwillIexplainhim?SunwillknowwhatI’mdoing.WithonelookatDonghyun,he’ll
knowthatI’musinghimforsomething,evenifhewon’tknowquitewhatthatis.Whatifhementionshimtomymother?She’dneverallowmetomakeadealwith
myfather.ButifIdon’t,she’lllosethecompany.

“Donghyun-ssi,”Isay,turningtohim,almostpleading,“I’llmeetyououtside.Ineedtousetherestroom.”
Hiseyeswiden,alertedtomypanic.“Ofcourse.”
Irushacrossthefoyerintoasecludedhallway.Findingthedoortothebathroom,Ipushitopen.Luckily,it’sempty,with
onlyafewstalls.

Nathanielcatchesthedoorasitclosesbehindme,followingmeinside.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Ihiss.“Whatifsomeonesawyou?”
“What’sgoingon?”hesays,andmychesttightensatthepaininhisvoice.“Whyareyouwithhim?Wereyoureallyonadate?”
“No.Imean…yes.”
Nathanielwinces.“Isthatwhyyoucouldn’tcometothelaunch?Becauseofhim?”
“Yes,”Isay,thistimedefinitively.
Nathaniel’sgazedropsaway,thenitrisestomine,strippedbare.“Sori,Iwanttounderstand.Ifyou’rebreakingmyheart,
Ineedtounderstandwhy.”

Myeyesarehot,theyfeelasifthey’reburning.
Ilovehim.Icanadmitthattomyselfnow.I’vealwayslovedhim.IlovehisvoiceandIlovethewayhelooksatme.Ilove
hislaughandIlovethewayhemakesmelaugh.IlovethewayIfeelwhenI’maroundhim,likethedaysarewarmer,thenights
morebeautiful.Ilovehimsomuchthatitmakesmewanttothroweverythingelseaway,ifonlytobewithhim,foronemore
day,foronemoreminute,foronemorebreath.

“It’snotjustyourheart,”Iwhisper.
Idon’tknowwhomovesfirst,butI’msuddenlyinhisarms.
Hekissesmeasifhecan’tbreathewithoutme;Ifeelthesame,wanting,needingtobecloser.Hishandscirclemywaistandliftmeontothecounter.Ourkissesturnfrantic;myhandsdelveintohishair.
Ifeeloutofcontrol,likeIcan’thaveenoughofhim.

Ikisshimwithallthepassioninmyheart,showinghim,evenifIrefusetosayit,howmuchIwanthim,howmuchIadorehim.
I’msocaughtupinNathanielthatIalmostdon’thearit—aknock.IbreakawayfromourkisstohearDonghyun’svoicethrough
thedoor,“Sori-ssi,areyouallright?”HemusthavecomelookingformewhenIdidn’tcomeback.

Nathaniel’shandstightenaroundmywaistbeforetheyletgo.HebacksawayasIslidefromthecounter,mydressfalling
backdownaroundmyknees.

“I’mhere,”Icallback.“I’llbeoutinasecond.”
“Sori,”Nathanielwhispers,justmyname.
Ishakemyhead.“WhatwouldhavehappenedifDonghyunhadwalkedinonus?Itwouldruineverything.Itcould,ifhesuspects
anything.”

Nathanieldragsahandthroughhismussedhair.“I’msorry.Isawhim,withyou,andIdidn’t…Iwasn’tthinking.”
“Neitherofusthinkclearlywhenwe’retogether.Thiswasamistake.”
Helooksatme,strickenbymywords.“Youdon’tmeanthat.”
HethinksI’mjustupsetbecauseofthethreatofascandal.Hedoesn’tknowit’smorethanthat.
Everyscandalhecanwalkawayfrom,moreorlessunscathed,belovedbyhisfans,withthesupportofhismembersandfamily
tofallbackon,butnotme,andnotthepeopleIlove.Scandalsformyfamilydestroyus,havedestroyedus.

IforgetthatwhenI’mwithhim.
“Sori…”
“Please,letmego.”
Asifhearingmethroughheavyfog,hestepsback.
Iburymyfeelings,untiltheonlyevidenceofthemisthesmartingofmyeyes.WalkingpastNathaniel,Iopenthedoorand
slipthrough,hopingChaDonghyuncanbelievewhateverliecomesoutofmymouth.
Thirty-three
OnFriday,IheadovertoJoahtobringmymotherherfavoritepairofshoes.They’reanoldpairofchampagne-coloredpumps
withwornheels,whichdon’tevenfitherproperly,buttheyhadbelongedtohermother.She’dwornthemonherweddingday,andnowshewantstowearthemtomorrowattheEBCAwards,whensheacceptsthe
TrailblazerAwardinfrontofallherpeers.Ajummahadwrappedtheshoeboxcarefullyinabojagi,foldingthesilkwrapping
endoverend.Icradletheshoeboxinmylaponthebusrideover,asifI’mcarryingsomethingprecious,becauseIam.

Inmymother’soffice,Iplacethepackageonherdesk,thenIraisetheblindstoletinthelight.Downbelow,afewfans
lingeroutsidethebuilding,takingphotoswiththeJoahEntertainmentsign.Thenewbuildingunderconstructionisevenmore
impressive,withacaféthatwillbeopentothepublicontheweekendsandamuseumandgiftshop.

Myphonechirpsinmypocket,andItakeitouttoseethatIhaveatextfromJenny.It’saphotoofherunpackedsuitcase
inthemiddleofherbedroomfloor.She’sbackhomeinLosAngeles.

Itypeout,You’rearrivingtomorrow,andyou’renotpackedyet?Andpleasedon’ttellmeyou’reonlybringingonesuitcase.
Herresponseisimmediate:Noteveryonetravelswiththeirentirewardrobe,Sori.
Icanheartheteasingliltofhervoice.Ican’twaittohearitinpersonIwon’tbeabletoseehertomorrow,becauseoftheawardsshow,butwehaveplanstomeetupSunday.

There’sstillsomuchIhavetodofortheshow…Luckily,I’vetakencareofmostofthefinerdetailsalready.Ihave
myglamsquadassembledfortomorrow,withSoobinandRALA,andmydressisablackSaintLaurentwithaplungingneckline
andthigh-highsplit.I’llhavetowearaninvisibleBand-AidtocovermyscrapefromMonday,butit’llbeworthit.

ASAPwillbeperforming;Hyemiwon’tbewiththem,buthopefully,ifeverythinggoesaccordingtoplan,thatcouldchange
bynextweek.

Ileavemymother’soffice,pressingthebuttonforthegroundfloor.
Myphonechirpsoncemore.ThistimethemessageisfromDonghyun,whichIswipeawaywithoutopening.
Yesterday,atdinner,he’daskedmeofficiallyifI’dbehisgirlfriend.I’daskedformoretime.ButIcan’tkeepputting
himoff.Ihavetomakeadecisionsoon.IjustknowthatonceI’vemadeit,there’snoturningback.

Theelevatoropensonthegroundfloor,andIwalkout.
Lateafternoonsunlightspillsthroughtheglasswindowsofthelobby,catchinginmyeyes.Ishouldbeexcitedabouttomorrow:
I’mhostingoneofthebiggestawardsshowsontelevision;I’mgoingtowearabeautifuldressandhavemymakeupdoneand
hairstyled—twoofmyfavoritethings;I’mgoingtoseeASAPperformlive;andI’mcelebratingthisindustrythatIlovesomuch,withthepeopleIrespectandadmire.SowhydoIfeellikeI’mwalkingthroughwater?It’ssunnyoutside,yetIfeelcold.I’mnotsick,atleastIdon’tthinkIam.
IcatchsightofYoungmin,headedtowardthedoorsthatleadtotheparkinggarage.He’swearingheadphonesandIhaveto
callouttohimtwicebeforeheturnsaround.

Helowershisheadphones.“Nuna?”
“Youngmin-ah,”Isay,walkingtowardhim.“Howwasyourbreak?”
“Good.Ihadschool,mostly.”
Hesmilesatme,waitingpatiently.OutofalltheXOXOmembers,heandIaretheleastclose,thoughI’vealwaysfeltcomfortable
aroundhim.

“I’mbackatthedorm,”hesays,referringtotheapartmentheshareswiththeothermembers.“SinceWednesday.”
Wednesday.ThedayofNathaniel’slaunch.He’dbeenthere,attheeventhall.IfheknowsthatIwasthereaswell,hedoesn’tshowit,hisexpressionmorecuriousthananything.

Idon’tknowwhyIstoppedhimorwhyI’mlingeringhere.Hewasclearlyonhiswaysomewhere.Iwasjustfeelingabit…
melancholy,andIwantedtoseeafriendlyface.“Well—”

“Iwasjustonmywaythere,actually,”Youngminsays.“Eventhoughnoone’saround.Sun’soutonadate,Jaewoo’swithhis
momandsister,andNathanielwenttoseetheFerriswheel.”

Ifeelmyheartsink.“Didhe…Didhegowithanyone?”
“HesaidhewastakingWooHyemi.”
Ilooktowardthewindowsoncemore.It’llbesunsetinanhour.HadtheygonetowatchthesunsetovertheHanRiver?
WhenIreturnmygazetoYoungmin,Ifindhimwatchingme,hisexpressioncarefullyblank.“Ihaven’tbeentoseetheFerriswheelyet,”hesays.“Itlookslikealotoffun.”
IshesayingwhatIthinkhe’ssaying?
“Whatdoyouthink,Nuna?”Youngmingrins.“Wanttogoonadatewithme?”
JiSeok,who’dbeenwaitingforYoungminintheparkinggarage,dropsusoffnearthepark.
“Pleasedon’tdoanythingI’llregret,”hebegs.

“Ha,you’refunny,Hyeong!”
Theparkiscrowded,withhundredsofpeoplehavingcomeouttowatchthesunset.ThemostcrowdedareaisaroundtheFerris
wheel,withcouplesandgroupsoffriendslininguptotaketheirturnaroundthemassivewheel.

“Weneeddisguises.”Youngmindragsmetoacartwhereanelderlywomanissellingusefulitemsforadayspentbesidethe
HanRiver.Heselectsapairofplasticsunglassesfromadisplayandhandsthemtomebeforegrabbingapairforhimself.
“Ooh,andthis.”Hepicksupasunumbrellabeneathapileofthem,crankingitopen.It’sthegaudiestumbrellawithlace
andflowers.Luckily,it’sasunnyday,soalotofpeoplealsocarryumbrellas.

“Youngmin-ah,that’snotthem,right?”Istareatayoungcouplesittingonapicnicblanketonthegrass.Ican’ttellif
it’sthemfromthisdistance,butthegirliswearingthesamebuckethatI’veseenonHyemi.

“Youngmin-ah?”Iturnaround,onlytofindYoungminmissing.Igroan.Don’ttellmeI’vealreadylosthim.
“Nuna!”Youngminrunsup.
I’mabouttoscoldhim,butI’mimmediatelydistractedbythechurroshe’sholding;they’reOreo-flavoredandfilledwith
creamcheese.

AswewalktowardtheareaaroundtheFerriswheel,enjoyingourchurros,agroupofteenagegirlspassus.
“Wasn’tthatNathanielLeejustnow?”Ioverhearoneofthemsay.
“Whowasthatgirlwithhim?”herfriendasks.
“Whoeveritwas,itwasn’tMinSori.”
“Don’ttellmeyou’rea‘MinLee’fan?”
“Idon’tknow,butIamafanofbothofthem.”

“EvenMinSori?”
“Yes!She’ssopretty,andIlikehowshelookslikeshe’smeanbutyoucantellsheisn’t,youknow?”
“Yeah,Ilikethatabouthertoo.”
“Metoo,”Youngminsaysloudly.
“Youngmin-ah!”Ipullhimbehindafoodcartsellingcorndogs,beforethegirlscanregisterwhoheis.Evenwithourdisguises,
he’sstillChoiYoungminofXOXO,easilyrecognizableifyouweretotakeacloserlook.Hishairisdyedblackagain,otherwise
he’dreallystickout.“We’retryingtokeepalowprofile,remember?”

“Excuseme,canIhaveacorndog?”Youngmin’stalkingtothefoodcartworker.
WefinallymakeittotheFerriswheel,aftersharingthecorndogbetweenus,dunkedinbatterandfrieduntilperfectly
crispy,thenslatheredwithsweetchiliandmustardsauce.

There’sapalpabletensionintheair,whispersflitteringamongthosestandinginline.
IspotNathanielandHyemi,towardthefrontoftheline.
“Youngmin-ah,”Isay.Idon’tknowwhatalertshim,buthelooksatme,suddenlyserious.“Idon’twantNathanieltogetinto
thatcarwithHyemi.”

Iwaitforhimtoaskmewhy,ortolaugh,buthejustnods.
“Okay.”
Hejumpsforwardintothecrowd.Ilosesightofhimimmediately.Igape,thenscrambletofollow.Thecrowdpartsforhim,
andthereforeme,noonewillingtostopusandcauseasceneeventhoughwe’recuttingtheline.

NathanielandHyemiarenext.TheFerriswheelattendantsarecallingthemup.Youngminpopsoutofthecrowd.Rushingforward,
hegrabsHyemi’shandanddragsherintooneofthecarsthat’salreadyleaving.Thedoorclosesbehindthem.

Nathanielstandsaloneontheplatform,inshock.
“WasthatYoungmin?”IhearhimsayingtohimselfasIrushup.Grabbinghishand,Ipullhimintothenextcar.
“Sori?”Nathanielstaresatmeasthedoorshutsandthewheelbeginsitsslowascent.“What’sgoingon?Whatareyoudoing
here?”

“I…ranintoYoungminatJoahandwe…decidedtocomeseetheFerriswheel.”
Asfarasexplanationsgo,it’saweakone,butNathanieldoesn’tquestionit,leaningbackinhisseat.Thecarisn’tvery
large,butneitherisitsmall,meanttoholdfourpeople.It’senclosedforoursafety,withplateglasswindowsonevery
sideexceptthefloor.

IgazeatNathaniel.Wehaven’tseeneachother—orspoken—sinceWednesday.
“YoucamewithWooHyemi,”Isay.
“Hyemi’sanicegirl.”Hehasoneelbowbalancedonthewindowsillashegazesouttowardtheriver.“She’shavingahard
timerightnow.It’snotjustallofthenegativeattention,she’sawayfromherfamily,hermotherandsister.Herfather,
alotofthetime.She’saforeignerinacountrythatshouldfeellikehome,butsometimesfeelsfarfromit.Icanrelate
tothat.”

Ihadn’tthoughtofthesimilaritiesbetweenthem.“I’mgladshehasyoutotalkto.”Regardlessofmyowninsecurities,I
amglad.Ihaven’tbeenabletohelpHyemisincethescandalbroke.Atleast,notinanyvisibleways.Buthehas.He’sgiven
herashouldertoleanonwhenshe’sneededitthemost.

“Yeah,well,it’salsogreatthatapparentlyhangingoutwithhermakesyoujealous.”
“I’mnotjealous!”
Helaughs.“Whateveryousay.”
“Wasitwisetobringherouthere?”Ifrown.“Peoplemightwritearticlesaboutyouandhertomorrow.”
“You’reonetotalk.”
Iblush.
“Theirony.”Hiseyesslidetome.“Youescapescandalwithme,onlytogetembroiledinonewithYoungmin.Ayoungerman,
MinSori?”

He’steasing,buthissmiledoesn’treachhiseyes.
“HyemiandIarefriends,”hesays,hisgazemovingbacktowardthewindow.“Theycanwriteanarticleaboutthat,iftheywant.Iwantedtoseethesunset,justlikeeveryoneelse.”
Helookssounhappy.Thatsadness,Iputitthere.He’dbehappyifitweren’tforme.
ThesunsetsoverSeoul,gildingagoldenpathontheriver.
“Iwanttobehonestwithyou,”Isay,drawinghisgaze.
“Youwereright.Idon’tcarewhatpeoplesayaboutme.Ontheinternetortomyface.Ifitwasjustme,Icouldendureit.
Icouldenduremostanything…”Tobewithyou.
Itakeadeepbreath.“Butit’snotjustme.Mymother…Ihavetoconsiderhowmyactionsaffecther.Twoyearsago,
sheaskedmetopromiseherthatI’dbreakitoffwithyou…

“It’struethatIwasafraidofhowourscandalmightaffectanyfuturecareerthatImightwant,orhowitmightaffectyou
andtheotherXOXOmembers,butthatwasn’twhyImadethatpromise.

“Imadeitforher.”

Joahmeanseverythingtomymother.I’veknownthissinceIwasalittlegirl.Itgaveherpurposeaftershebecamepregnant
withme;itbecameherlifeafterhermarriagefellapart.

“Maybeascandalofminewon’truinthecompany,butthere’salwaysthatpossibility,thefearofbeingthereasonsheloses
everything.”

NathanielhaddroppedhisheadwhileIwasspeaking.Heliftsitnow.“Ican’tacceptthatyou’dpushmeawaytoprotectme…”hesaysslowly,andmyheartfillswithanguish.“ButIcanacceptthatyouwouldforyourmother.”Icatchmybreath.“It’salwaysbeenyouandher,hasn’tit?”Hisvoiceissoft,tender.“Lookingoutforeachother.Protectingeachother.”
Nathanielsmilesatme,hisexpressionrueful.“Thisisit,huh?Damn.”Herakeshishandthroughhishair.
Thenheedgesforward.“I’msorrythatIdidn’tlistentoyoubefore.Ididn’tunderstanduntilnow.Iwon’tmakeyouwaver
anylonger.Ifthisistheend,Iwantedtotellyou,atleastonce…”

We’vereachedtheverytopoftheFerriswheel;thesunbathesourcarriageingoldenlight.
“Iloveyou.”Thirty-four
IgetreadyfortheEBCAwardsatSoobinandRALA’sstudio.MyblackSaintLaurentgown,onloanfromthedesigner,issleeveless,
withafittedbodicetailoredtomyexactproportions.Ittapersatthewaist,flaringslightlyatthehipsbeforedropping
downtothefloor.Thelongsplitthatendshalfwayupmythighallowsformovement,evenifit’sadmittedlyabit…scandalous.

Idecidenottowearanecklace,leavingmyshouldersanddécolletagebare.TheonlyjewelryIwearispearldropearrings.
Asforshoes,Ichoosestilettos.

Soobinhasalreadyblownoutmyhairsothatitfallsinwavesluxuriouslyovermyshoulders,andRALAhasexecutedasultry
nighttimelookwithwingedeyelinerandamatteredlipstick,whichleavesonlygettingdressed.Afterward,SoobinandRALA
takephotosofmeonthebalcony,wherethelighting,inthehourbeforesunset,isthebest.

MynextstopisJoah.SinceNathanielandIarecohostingtheevent,we’resupposedtoarrivetogetheratthevenue.Onthe
driveover,mynervesgetthebetterofme.I’veneverbeentoanawardsceremony,letalonehostedone.Nathanielhasn’teither,notoneofthiscaliber,thoughhehasexperiencehostingtheweeklymusicshowsatEBC.What
ifIcan’treadtheteleprompterinanaturalwayorlosemyplacewhilereading?Becauseoftheshortnotice,wehadn’thad
timeforarehearsal.

Thecarservicedropsmeoffoutsidethebuilding—tonight,SecretaryParkisaccompanyingmymother—andIhurrythroughthefrontdoors.
AsIenter,Idrawupshort.AllfourXOXOmembersarestandinginthelobby,dressedinformalblack-tieattire.
Theyallturnatmyentrance.
Collectively,theireyesmovefromthegroundupward,checkingmeout,andIsmileattheirappreciation.
“Sori-yah,”Sunsays,meetingmehalfwayasIapproachthemacrossthelobby.“Youlookbeautiful.”
“MinSori,”Jaewoosayswithagrin.“Wereyoualwaysthistall?”
Iwrinklemynoseathisteasing.“Shouldn’tyoubeonthewaytotheairport?”Iask.“Jenny’sarrivingatanymoment.”
“I’mthinkingofbailingearly.”Hegrins.“Doyouthinkanyonewillnotice?”
“WewantedtosupportourCEO,”Sunexplains.
Myheartfillswithgratitudeforallofthem.Theydidn’thavetobehere.Thoughinvited,they’renotactivelypromoting
analbum,nominatedforanaward,orperforming.Butthey’reshowingupanyway,tosupportmymother,theirCEO,assheaccepts
thisyear’sTrailblazerAward.

“Thankyou,”Isaysoftly.
It’sYoungmin’sturntogreetmenext.“Nuna,”hesays,eyeswide.“You’regorgeous!”
Ilaughatthewayhekeepshiseyeslevelwithmine,staringatmealmostfixedlysoasnottoinadvertentlydrophisgaze
totheverydeepVofmyneckline.PoorYoungmin.MaybeIshouldn’thavewornthisdressandhadmoreconsiderationforhisinnocence.

Thenit’sNathaniel’sturn.AndnowI’mtheonewho’sstunned.He’sdressedentirelyinblack,evenhisshirtbeneathhis
jacket,butunliketheotherswhowearanecktieorabowtie,thetopfewbuttonsofhisshirtareundone.Nathanielincasual
wearisheart-fluttering,likeyourboyfriendwho’salsoabitofabadboy,mischievousandtoocharmingforhisowngood.
ButNathanielinformalwear,withhishairslickedback,hisgazedirect,isbreathtaking,stillabadboy,butentirely
grownup,andquitepossiblythemostbeautifulthingI’veeverseen.

I’mvaguelyawarethatwematchalmostperfectly,withouthavingcoordinatedouroutfitsatall.
“Sori.”Nathaniel’seyesarewarmashetakesmein.“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Nervous,”Iconfess.“Onthewayoverhere,Iwasthinkingofallthethingsthatcouldgowrong.”
“Theywon’t,”Nathanielsaysconfidently.“Andiftheydo,I’llhaveyourback,justlikeyou’llhavemine.”
Hegrins.“We’regoingtokillit.Ijustknowit.”
Myheartrusheswithwarmthathiswords,andI…believehim.Ibelievehimwholeheartedly.
“Limo’shere,”Sunsays,leadingthewayoutthebuilding.
Aswe’rewalkingoutthedoor,adeliverymanapproachesholdingalargebouquetofredroses.“MinSori-ssi?”
Iblinkathim.“Yes?”
“Theseareforyou.”
Igatherthebouquetinmyarms.JaewooandYoungminteasemeasIreachinbetweentherosestopulloutacard.CongratulationsonhostingtheEBCAwards.Ilookforwardtoseeingyoutonight.Ireadthenamewrittenattheendofthemessage.“They’refromChaDonghyun.”

“ChaDonghyun,CEO’sCha’snephew?”Sunasks.
Jaewoofrowns.“WasthattheguyyouwerewithonWednesday?”
“WhyisChaDonghyun-ssisendingyouflowers,Nuna?”
Istareatthem,unsurewhattosay.Theirexpressionsaren’texactlyaccusatory—andallofthemarecarefulnottolookat
Nathaniel,butIcansensetheirconfusion.

“Whowouldn’tsendSoriflowers?”Nathanielinterjects.“You’rejustjealousyoudidn’tgetsome,Youngmin-ah.”
Youngmingrins,dispellingwhatevertensiontheremighthavebeen.Together,weshuffleintothelimo.Suntakestheflowers,
puttingthemtotheside,whileJaewoohandsmehissuitjackettocovermylegs.Asweridetothevenue,Iriskglances
atNathaniel.Unliketheothers,hehadn’treactedtothebouquet.It’snotthatIwanthimtobe…jealous,butonly
lastnight,he’dtoldmehelovedme.Thoughlater,afterwegotofftheFerriswheel,he’dactedasifnothinghadchanged,laughingandjokingwithYoungmin,
teasingHyemi,andtreatingme…justlikehetreatedthem,asifIwereafriend,nothingmore
It’sexactlywhatIaskedfor,everytimeI’vepushedhimaway,sothenwhydoIfeelsounhappy?
ThelimopullsupoutsidethevenuefortheawardsshowatoneofthelargestarenasinSeoul.Alreadyphotographersline
theredcarpetleadingtothefrontentrance.EventhoughI’mpreparedthistime—thesephotographersaresupposedtobehere;they’redoingtheirjobsinarespectablemanner,comparedtotabloidreporters—Istillfeelaboltofanxiety
gothroughme.

Sunopensthelimodoor,andarushofsoundpoursintothecar,high-pitchedscreamscomingfromthecrowdsoffansbehindthephotographers,separatedbyapartition.IgiveJaewoobackhisjacketandheexitsafterSun,thescreamseruptingagain.Youngminisnext.Ishiftclosertothedoor,wincingatasuddenflashoflight—acamera,directedatthelimousine.
Irememberthepaparazzioutsidetheeventhallandoutsidethebattingcages,andevenbeforethen,thoselightsfrommy
childhood,followingmehomefromschool,reportersyellingformyattention,askingmeaboutmyfather’saffairs,therumors
thatmymotherwasfrigid,cold-hearted,thatshewasthereasontheyfellapart,becauseshedrovehimaway.

“Sori.”IlookdowntofindNathanielholdingmyhand.Hisiswarm,hisgripfirmbutgentle.He’swearingringsonhisfingers.
Reachingup,Itwisttheoneonhispointerfinger,aroundandaround.Heletsme,remainingcompletelystill.Hedoesn’t
rushme,thougheveryoneoutsideisprobablywonderingwhywehaven’tsteppedoutyet.He’ssopatientwithme—theoneperson
intheworldwhohasalwaysseenme,asIam,flawsandall.

“It’syouandme,remember?”hesayssoftly.“Wegotthis.”
Allthosetimeswiththepaparazzi,Ihadn’tbeenwithNathaniel.I’mwithhimnow.Inod.Heletsgoofmyhandtostepout
ofthecar,thenhe’sreachingbacktotakemyhand.There’saroarofsoundasIemerge—fromthephotographersshoutingmy
name,butalsothefans,screaming,cheering,forme.Forus.
Nathanieldrawsmyhandtohisarm,andIgrabontothefabricthere,takingstrengthfromhim.Together,wefacethecameras.
“Nathaniel,lookoverhere!”
“Sori.Nathaniel,overhere,please.”
“Sori,VogueKoreaoverhere.Youlookstunning!”

IglanceatNathaniel,who’swavingatthephotographers,smilingandconfident.Hisconfidence,hispresence,givesmeconfidence.

Takingadeepbreath,Iturntowardthecameras,pretendingthedirectorfromSun’sdramaisonthecarpet,shouting,“Be
bold!Bebeautiful!”Throwingmyshouldersback,placingonehandonmyhip,Ichannelthatenergy.Idirectmysultrygaze
atthecamerasandpoutmylips.Thenoiseonthecarpetseemstogetevenlouder,thefansscreaming,thephotographersclicking
atafasterrate.

NathanielandIstartmovingahead,allowingformorecarstodriveupbehindus.Everyfewsteps,westoptopose,andI
knowwelookgood,standingsidebyside.Atonepoint,IevendropNathaniel’sarmtotakephotosalone,showingoffmydress
andearrings.I’vealreadypostedonmySNSthatmymakeupwasdonebyRALA,myhairbyKimSoobin.

Aftertheredcarpet,weheadinsidethearena.AttendantsusherSun,Jaewoo,andYoungmintotheirseats,whileNathaniel
andIareshownthroughadoorbackstage.

Weenteralong,curvinghallway,whichpresumablyleadstothestagearea.Ishiver,theaircolderherethanitwasoutside.
Nathanielnotices.Takingoffhissuitjacket,heplacesitaroundmyshoulders.It’swarmandthickandsmellsofhiscologne.
“Sori-ssi?Nathaniel-ssi?”
Amotorizedcartpullsupnexttous,withWoogisittinginthefrontwithadriverandWoorisittinginthebacknextto
anemptyseat.

“Youtwo…Wow…,”Woogisays.“Iwanttotakeaphotographofyoubothandframeitonmywall.”
“Whatasillythingtosay,Oppa!”Woorilaughs.
Nathanielstepsclosertothecart.“Woori-ssi,”hesays,“canIaskyouforafavor?”
Hereyeswiden,blinkingrapidly.“Yes,ofcourse.”
IstareatNathaniel,curiouswhathe’supto.
“You’reheadingtothebackstagearea,right?Thatemptyseatbesideyou,canSoritakeit?”
“Ohno,”Istarttoprotest.“Icanwalk.”
Nathanielgivesmyfeet—specificallymystilettos—asignificantlook.“Please,forme.”Mystomachflutters.Thenheadds
teasingly,“You’reslowingmedown.”

Myfeetarestartingtosmartabit.WoorimovesoverandIclimbintothecart,turningmyheadtopeeratNathanielaswepullaway.

“Ithinkhe’ssmittenwithyou,”Woorisays,drawingmyattentiontoher.
“Hewasjustbeingconsiderate.”Iblush.
“Really?Oppa…”Sheleansforwardtoshoutatherbrother.“IfIwerewearingstilettos,wouldyouthinktoputmein
apassingcart?”

Woogishoutsoverthemotor,“Hesaidshewasslowinghimdown!”
IfeelalittlebereftaboutbeingpartedfromNathaniel,butatleastwe’llbereunitedsoon,andhehastheattendantwith
himtokeephimcompany.

Inthebackstagearea,anassistantiswaitingtogreetme.Aswewalktowardthehosts’waitingroom,IspotSunYeandtheotherASAPmembers.
“SunYe-yah!”Ishout.
“Sori-yah.”Weair-hug.She’sstunning,dressedinaglitteringperformanceoutfit.Theothermembersaredressedsimilarly.
Theybowtomeingreeting.IfeelapangatnotseeingHyemiamongthem.

“Howhaveyoubeen?”Iask.“I’msorryI’vebeenabsentsomuchthispastweek.”Iwastryingtofixthefalloutfromthe
scandalwithHyemi,butIwasalsofeelingguiltyandsadaboutmyownlife.

“It’sallverychallenging,withupsanddowns,butIwouldn’tchangeitfortheworld.ThoughIwishHyemiwerepromoting
withus.Yourmothersaysshe’sannouncingsomethingaboutthatnextweek.”

Ifrown.“Sheis?”DidHyemi’sfatheragreetoadeal?
SunYenods.“Whateveritis,shesaysthatshe’lltakecareofeverythingandnottoworry.”
SunYesaysthissomatter-of-factly,asif,becausemymothertoldhernottoholdontoherworries,she’sabletoletgo
ofthem.

IneveraskedherwhyshestayedasatraineeatJoahforsomanyyearswhenothershadleft,andIwonderifit’sassimple
asbecauseshebelievedinmymother.

“MinSori?”theassistantcalls,havingwaitedpatientlythiswholetime.
“I’llbesuretowatchyourperformance,”ItellSunYe.“You’reopeninguptheshow,aren’tyou?”
“Iam.We’vecomealongway,haven’twe?Sinceourmiddleandhighschooltraineedays.”
Ilaugh.“Yes,andstillalongwaytogo.”
“Ilookforwardtoit!”
Nathaniel’salreadyinthedressingroomwhenIarrive,gettinghismakeuptouchedup.Minehasstayedperfectlyintact,thanks
tomydiligenceandRALA’ssuperiorproducts.OnceNathanielisfinished,we’rewhiskedawaytothestagingarea.Myheart
picksupattherushofsoundscomingfrombehindthecurtains,ofinstrumentswarmingupinthepitbelowthestage,the
minglingvoicesofthousandsofartists,writers,actors,visionaries.

Nathaniel’shandslipsovermine,tightening.Ilookupathim.“Nervous?”Iask.
HisAdam’sapplebobs.“Alittle.”
“It’syouandme,remember?”Irepeathiswordsfromearlier.“Wegotthis.”
Hesmilesatme.“Wedo.”
“Andnow,”avoiceboomsforthespeakers,quietingtheaudience,“introducingourhosts,singer,NathanielLeeandmodel,
MinSori.”

NathanielandIwalkontothestagetopoliteapplause.Thestagelightsarebright,makingitdifficulttoseetheaudience,
butIfollowNathaniel’sleadasheapproachesthemarkingsonthestage,wherewe’remeanttostandbehindside-by-sidemicrophones.

Asthenoisesettles,Ilocatetheteleprompter.
“Thankyou,everyone,forcoming,”Ireadslowly,enunciatingmywordsasclearlyaspossible.“Tonightwe’vecometogether
tocelebratethebestofmusic,acting,andvariety.”

“Speakingofvariety,youandIhavehadourshareofguestappearances.Howcomeweweren’tnominatedforanything?”Nathaniel’sreadingfromthescript,buthisdeliveryofhislinesissonatural,Ican’thelplaughingasifheweread-libbing.

“That’strue.Whatcategorydoyouthinkwecouldhavebeenconsideredfor?”
“Bestcouple?”Nathanielsayscheekily.
Thecrowdcheers.Ihearaloudwhistletotheleftsideofthestage,whereIswearIcanseeSunandtherestoftheXOXO
membersinthefrontrow.

“Nathaniel-ssi,”Isay,playfully,“don’tbesilly.”Onthescreen,that’sallitsays,butIdecidetoad-lib.“Thatcategory
isforfakecouples,notrealones.”

Nathaniel’sbarkoflaughterisgenuine,joinedbytheaudience.
Wecontinuewiththescript,whichwaswrittenbyaboardofEBC’swritersandvettedbySecretaryParkbeforehand.It’slively
andfun,andwead-libwhenevertheopportunityarises.

Icanfeelthechemistrybetweenus;it’selectrifying.Wejokeandlaughandflirt,even.Weactasifweshareasecretbetweenus,
andthesecret,whichisn’tasecretatall,isthatwe’refriends.There’snooneelseI’dratherbeonthisstagewith,
noonewhomakesmefeelasbeautifulandconfidentandcleverandsafe.Itrusthim,andhetrustsme,andbecauseofthat,
wemakeaspectacularteam.

“Andnowforourfirstperformers,”Nathanielreads,“intheirawardsshowdebutperformance.”
“Pleasewelcome,”Isay.“ASAP.”Thirty-five
NathanielandIcatchthefirsthalfofASAP’sincredibleperformancebeforewe’rehustledbackstagetothedressingroom.
Ontheway,we’restoppedbycelebrities—presenters,mostly,butalsoperformers—praisingusforournaturalpresenceonstage
andourchemistry.Afterthefirstfewrun-ins,InoticethateveryoneseemstospeaktoNathanielandmeasifweare,in
fact,acouple.Theyaskushowwe’refeeling,whatperformanceswe’relookingforwardto;JollyandHeartthrobfromCatchMeIfYouCanteaseNathaniel,sayingtheybasicallysethimup,andByeol,who’spresentingwithhercostar,tellsmethatNathanieland
Ilooklikewe’reacouplethathasbeentogetherforyears,andthatIlookhappy.

Iamhappy.It’soneofthemostexhilaratingnightsofmylife.Wehavelittletimetorest,rushingbackandforthtothe
stage.We’rewalkingoffafterourfinalskittogetherwhenafamiliarvoicecallsouttome.“Sori-ssi?”

Mybody,whichhadbeenwarmandrelaxedwithNathanielthewholenight,tenses.
Iturn.“D-Donghyun-ssi.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Iwasintheaudienceenjoyingtheshow,”hesays,smilingwidely.“Youwerewonderfuloutthere.Bothofyou.”Heextends
hismagnanimitytoNathaniel,beforefocusingoncemoreonme.“MyfriendwhoinvitedmeaskedifIwantedtogobackstage,
andso…Ihopeit’sallright.DidIoverstep?”

“No,ofcoursenot.”Iattempttohidemydismay.Onourlastdate,ItoldhimI’dhaveananswerforhimthenexttimewemet.ButI’mnotreadytogivehimananswer,especiallynothere,withNathaniellookingon.Idon’tknowwhattodo,whattosay.It’sonethingtopretendinfrontofDonghyun,whoonlyknowsmeasMinSori,daughterofMinKyung-mo,modelandvarietyshowpersonality,butnotNathaniel,whoknowsmeinsideandout.IcanpretendallthatIwant,Icanlieandusepeople,butnotinfrontofNathaniel.
“Sori.”
Ilookup.Nathaniel’seyes,whentheymeetmine,arekind.
“I’llgiveyoutwosomeprivacy,”hesays.“Ishouldgetgoing,anyway.”Theskitbeforewasourfinalone.Thisistheend.
WithashortbowtoDonghyun—whoreturnsitquickly—hestartstowalkaway.

“Wait!”Icatchhisarm.“You’renotstaying?”
Heglancesdownatmyhand,thenuptomyface.“I’llgositwithJaewooandtheothers,thenwe’llprobablyheadoutafter
yourmother’sspeech.”Hedoesn’texplainwhy,notinfrontofDonghyun.ToseeJenny.
He’sleavingWithoutme,thistimeforgood.Beforelastnight,hemighthavetoldDonghyuntogetlost,draggedmeintoastairwell,and
kissedmebreathless.

ButontheFerriswheel,hepromisednottomakemewaver.HesaidhewaslisteningtomewhenItoldhimIcouldn’tbewith
him.Thisishim,listeningtome.

Iletgoofhissleeve.
“Ihadfuntonight,”hesays.Dimplesappearinbothcheeksashegivesmeonelastdevastatingsmile.“Wemakeagoodteam.”
Thenheturnsandwalksaway.
“Wow,”Donghyunsays.“Sothat’stheXOXOfactor.IthinkImighthavejustbecomeafan.”
Ilaughoutright.
It’ssuchasillythingtosay,andgeneroustoo,sinceIknowhepickeduponthetensionbetweenNathanielandme.He’d
havetobequiteobliviousnotto,andDonghyunisnotthat.

WhydidIthinkitwasokaytouseChaDonghyun?BecauseIdidn’tknowhim?That’snottherealitynow,norshouldithave
beenreasonenoughtousehiminthefirstplace.

He’sasweetperson,agoodperson.He’sjustnotmyperson.

MaybeIthoughttheonlywaytosaveJoahwastofollowthepathmyfatherlaidoutforme.
Buthe’snottheonlyparentinmylifewho’sgivenmeapathtofollow.
“Donghyun-ssi,”Isay,“aboutthequestionyouaskedmetheothernight.I’mafraidthatIcan’tgiveyoutheansweryoumight
havehopedfor.”

Donghyunsighs,thennods.“Iunderstand.”
Iwonderifhe’llmentionNathaniel,thatit’sclearwheremyheartlies.Butheonlysmiles.“Evenifitwasonlyforalittle
while,Ienjoyedourtimetogether.Let’smeetagaininthefuture,asfriends.”

“Iwouldlovethat,”Isay,happy,atlast,tospeakthetruth.
Itonlytakesmeafewminutestofindher.She’ssequesteredinherownprivateroom,withSecretaryParkstandingonguard
outsidethedoor.

“Sori?”MymotherstandsupfromthecouchwhenIenter.“What’swrong?”
“Nothing,”Isay.“Ijustwantedtoseeyou.Beforeyourbigmoment.”
Shelaughs,sittingbackdown.“Ifeellikeabrideagain.I’mevenwearingtheshoes.”Sheliftsthehemofherpants,showing
offherpumps.

“Wasyourweddingdayliketoday?”
“No.Iwasabitofapariah.Alotofmyfriendsdidn’twanttoassociatewithmeaftermyscandal.ButIhadafewguests.
Jin-rang,ofcourse,andmygroupmates.Somuchhashappenedsincethen.”

“Wasitveryhard?”Iaskquietly.Idon’thavetoelaborateonwhatImean:Wasithardtogiveupherdreamafterbecoming
pregnantwithme?Wasithardbeingstuckinalovelessmarriage?

“Yes,butthere’snotamomentofmylifethatIregret.Becauseofit,IhaveacareerthatI’mproudof.Becauseofit,
Ihaveyou.

“Iwouldwalkthesamepatheverylifetime,ifIknewthatattheendofit,youwerewaitingforme.”
Myeyesfillwithtearsthatthreatentospill.
“Iwaswatchingyouearlierwhenyouwereonstage.I’msoproudofyou,Sori.Whenyoucametomesayingyoudidn’twant
tobeanidolbutwantedtoforgeyourownpath,youremindedmesomuchofmyself.Andsincethen,I’vewatchedhowhard
you’veworkedtohelpHyemi,howmuchtimeandenergyyou’vespentwiththeASAPgirlsandJin-rang’steam.You’resosmart
andstrong-willed,everythingIhopedyouwouldbe.”

Reachingout,shetakesmyhand.“I’msorryIhaven’tbeenaroundasmuch,butIwanttochangethat.Iwanttobethereforyouwhenyouneedme.Youcanalwaysrelyonme.Youknowthat,right?”
Inod.Idoknowthat.Ihadknownthat.AllmylifeI’vereliedonher,evenwhenshewastheonewhoneededprotection.

SecretaryParkknocksonthedoorbeforeopeningitslightly.“It’salmosttime.”
“I’llletyougetready,”Isay,slippingoutside,afraidthatifIstay,I’llcryalloverherbeautifulsuit.
Outside,IfindDirectorRyuwaitingbackstage.“AreyoupresentingtheTrailblazerAwardtomymother?”
“Iam,”shesays,tiltingherheadtostudyme,hereyesglintingcuriously
“WouldyoumindifI—?”
“Ohyes,”shesays.“Please,Idespisepublicspeaking.Honestly,Ishouldhavethoughtofthatmyself.Theawardwillbemoremeaningful
comingfromyou,anyway.”

Ibitemylip,nervousnowthatI’vemadethisimpromptudecision.
“Goodluck!”DirectorRyusays,raisingbothfistsintheair.
Iwalkontothestageforthelasttime.Murmuringsweepsthroughthecrowdatmyappearance,NathanielandIhavingalready
saidourgoodbyes.Ibrieflywonderiftheshow’sPDwillbeupsetwiththelast-minuteschedulechangebutpushthatthought
tothebackofmymind.

Ireachthepodium.Findingtheteleprompter,Istarttoreadaloud,“TheTrailblazerAwardisgiventoanindividualwho
haschangedthisindustryinasignificantway,openingupnewpathwaysforotherstofollow.”

Igoontolistmymother’sachievements.Ittakesmefivewholeminutestolistthemall.
“SeoMinHeeisn’tjustanincrediblevisionaryandbusinesswoman,she’salsoamother.Mymother.I’vebeenwithherfromthebeginning.Well,atleastmybeginning.”

Theaudiencelaughs,indulgingme.
“I’veseenheratherhighesthighs…”—theopeningofJoah,thefirstmajorawardforXOXO—“andherlowestlows…”
Myfather’saffairs,thenightafterHyemi’sscandalbroke…

“Nomattertheoccasion,sherisestothetop,withtenacity,withpower,withgrace.I’mgratefulformymotherformany
reasons.Butmostimportantly,I’mgratefulbecausesheshowsme,byexample,allthatIcanbe,thatmypathwaysareendless.
She’satruetrailblazer.Iamsoproudofher,canyoutell?”

Thecrowdlaughs.
ThiswholetimeI’vebeenworryingabouther,butshe’sSeoMinHee.Idon’tneedtofightmymother’sbattles;shecanfightherown.Shealwayshas.WhydidIeverthinkshecouldn’t?

Everyonebelievesinher,theASAPmembers,theXOXOmembers,DirectorRyuandSecretaryPark,butwhataboutme?
WhendidIlosefaithinmymother?
Ineedtobelieveinher.Ineedtotrustthatshe’llfindaway,likeshehasbefore.
“She’sthestrongestpersonIknow…”
Itfeelsfreeingtorememberthat,likelettinggoofaweightI’dbeencarrying.

MygazetravelstowheretheXOXOmembersaresitting.Ican’tseethemfromhere,butIknowthey’rewatching,thathe’swatching.“Ishouldbestrongaswell.”

Afewpeopleinthecrowdshiftintheirseats,probablywonderingwhatImean.
“Pleasejoinmeinhonoringtonight’srecipientofthisyear’sTrailblazerAward,FounderandCEOofJoahEntertainment,Seo
MinHee.”

Everyonerisestotheirfeetasmymotherstandsandmakesherwayupthestairstothepodium.Assheapproachesme,Isee
thatthereareactualtearsinhereyes.Shegrabsmeinafiercehug,notcaringthatshe’sruiningmymakeupandherown.

“Thankyou,Sori-yah.Youhavealwaysgivenmethemoststrength.Iloveyou.”
Mytearsmatchherown.“Iloveyou,Eomma.”
There’sanotherawardpresentationaftermymotheracceptshers,butIdon’tstaytowatchit,notwhenIseethatNathaniel
andtheothershavealreadylefttheirseats.

Iracebackstageandintothehallthatcirclesthearena.
Wemakeagoodteam,he’dsaid.Wedo,Iwanttotellhim,theverybest.Icouldn’tseethatuntiltonight.I’dbeenpushinghimawayforsomanyreasons,becauseIwasafraidofwhatcouldhappenwithusbeingtogether,scandalsandheartbreakandregret,becauseIthoughtourlivesweretoodifferent—heknowshowtoloveandbeloved,butforme,lovefeelslikeathreat,likesomethingthatcouldbetakenawayatanymoment.BecauseIthoughthewasgoodandIwasbad.ButIwaswrong.Wearebothbad.He’saflirtandadelinquent,andI’mverymuchagirlwhowouldriskitallforhim.
Icatchupwithhimintheparkinglotbehindthearena.He’swiththeothermembers,walkingtowardthecarservicethat’ll
takethembacktotheirdorms.

“Nathaniel!”Icallout.
Heturns,catchingsightofmeonthestairs.Iquicklywalkdownthem—nottoofast,asI’mstillwearingstilettos.
He’swaitingformeatthebottom.“Didyouruninthose?”Hesoundsbothafraidformeandalittleimpressed.
“Ineedtotalktoyou,”Isay,breathlessfrommyrun.“Alone.”
Hiseyesmeetmine,hisexpressionguarded,givingnothingofhisthoughtsaway.
Finally,turningtotheothers,hesays,“Waitinthecar.I’llberightthere.”
Hefollowsmebehindapartitionedwall,outofview.
“Sori,”hesays.“What’sgoingon?Areyou—?”
Icuthimoff.“Yousaidyou’vewantedmeforhalfyourlife,butIthink,forme,it’sbeenevenlonger.I’vewantedyou
mywholelife.You,withyoursincerityandyourteasingandyourpassion.You,whomakesmefeelsafeandlovedandbeautiful.

“Iwasafraid,”Iconfess.“Iwasafraidofsomanythings,butmostlyIwasafraidofhowmuchIwantedyou.”
Themaskhe’dworntohidehisemotionsfalls;helooksvulnerable,hischeeksflushed,hislipsparted.“I’veonlyeverloved
onegirl,”hesays,“sinceIwasfourteen.MaybeIcouldlovesomeoneelseininthefuture…”

Idrawhismouthtomine,pressingmybodytohis,makinghimtakebackthewords.IonlyreleasehimwhenI’msatisfied.“Ididn’tlikewhatyousaid,aboutlovingsomeoneelseinthefuture.Theonlygirlyoulove,whoyouwilleverlove,isme.”

Helaughsunsteadily.“I’veneverseenthisselfishsideofyou.”
“Whenitcomestoyou,I’mentirelyselfish.Iwantallyourattention.”Ipressanotherkisstothecornerofhislips,the
edgeofhischeeks.WhenIdrawaway,hiseyesflutteropen.“Icraveit.Iwantyoutolookonlyatme.”

“Nowthatyou’rebeingforthright,”hesays,“you’remakingmeblush.”
Icirclemyarmsaroundhisneckandbringmylipstohisear.“Comehomewithme.Iwanttobealonewithyou.”
Heholdsmecloseamomentlonger,hishandstighteningaroundmywaistbeforelettinggo.Takingmyhand,heleadsmefrom
behindthepartitiontoadifferentcarinthelonglineofthem.Weclimbinsideandhegivesthedrivermyaddress.

“Aren’ttheotherswaitingforyou?”Iaskaswepulloutoftheparkinglot.
Hetakesouthisphonewithonehand—neverlettinggoofminewiththeother—presumablytotextthem.Butheonlylooksdown
atthescreenforafewsecondsbeforepocketingitagain.“No,”hesays,colorinhischeeks.“They’renot.”

Iarchmybrow,wonderingwhatsortoftextsthey’resendinghim.
Neitherofusspeaksonthelongdrivetomyhouse,consciousofthedriverinthefront.Whenwepullupoutside,NathanielpaysthedriverwhileIkeyinthecodetothegate.Thegardenlightsblinkonaswewalkupthesteps,asifwelcomingushome.
Wepausebrieflyinthefoyertoremoveourshoes.Isighinreliefasmystilettosdroptotheground,andthenwe’restumbling
upthesteps,laughing.

Nathanielshutsmybedroomdoorbehindus.Ifallbackwardontothebed,spreadingmyarmswideoneithersideofme.Ilook
uptofindNathanielstandingatthefootofthebed,lookingincrediblypleasedwithhimself.“That’soneofyourrulesbroken.”
You’renotallowedtocomeintomyroom.
Iliftabrow.“Andtheother?”
He’dalreadydiscardedhisjacket.Reachingup,heunbuttonsmoreofhisobscenelybuttonedshirt,pullingitoverhishead.
Mymouthgoesdryatthesightofhisleanmusclesandtautstomach.Circlinghishandaroundmyankle,hebendsmyleg.He
lowershishead,kissingtheBand-Aidovermyscrapedknee,thenhewrapsmylegaroundhiswaist,climbingoverme.

Wekiss,morepassionatelythanbefore,everytouchofourlipsapromiseoflove,ofbelief,oftrust.Iwant,need,tobeclosertohim,thefabricofmydresscatchingaroundmylegs.Hefindsthezipperatmyback,slidingitdown.I
gaspatthetouchofhisringsagainstmyskin.

Idrawhimuptome,sothatIcanlookintohiseyes.
“Imeanit,”Isay,breathless.“Doyoudoubtme?”
Hisduskyeyelasheslower.“AftertheFerriswheel,Ithoughtitwasoverbetweenus.”Hisvoiceisunsteady,anechoofhis
anguish.“Iwaspreparedtolivemylifewithoutyou.Itfeltlikemyheartwasbeingtornfrommybody.”

“Notwithoutme,”Ibreathe,“neverwithoutme.”
Iraisemyhandtohischeek,andheliftshistocovermine.Oureyesmeetandmyheartfeelslikeitcouldburstwithlove
forhim.

Eversincehefirstteasedme,IthinkIknew,andevenastheyearshavegoneby,andwe’vebeenpulledapartandpushed
togetheragain,myhearthasalwaysbeendrawntohim.

“Iloveyou,”Isay.
Hiseyesarebright.Andthenwe’rekissing,fallingintoeachother,inanightofendlessbliss.Thirty-six
Iwakethenextmorningwiththeblanketskickedtomyfeetandmyarmsoutstretchedabovemyhead.AbruptlyIsitup,grabbing
apillowandbringingittomychest.WhenIturn,IfindNathanielstillasleep.He’slyingonhisstomach,hisheadturned
towardme,strandsofhishairfallingacrosshisbow.He’ssohandsome,withthesunlightstreamingoverhisface,thatI
forgetmyembarrassmententirely.Ireachouttopushthehairfromhiseyes.

Mystomachgrowls.Ihaven’thadapropermealsinceanearlydinnerthedaybefore,andI’mstarving.ButIdon’twanttowakeNathaniel,notwhenhe’ssleepingsopeacefully.

Iedgetowardthesideofthebed.
“Sori?”
IpeekovermyshouldertoseeNathanielsitupgroggily.Themusclesinhisarmsflexashepusheshimselfupoffthebed.
Catchingmeadmiringhim,hesmiles,whichturnstoafrownashereachesbeneathhimtopulloutaPikachu.

“Sori,howcanyousleeplikethis?IfeellikeI’mbeingwatched.”HetossesPikachuoffthebed.Ifollowitstrajectory
untilithitsthefloor,joiningdozensofmystuffedanimalsthatNathanielhadpresumablychuckedoffthebedwhileIwas
asleep.

Imeethiseyes.“Howcouldyou?”Iwhisperaccusatorially.
He’sunrepentant.“They’lllive.”
“Thisistheirbed.You’retheintruder.”

“I’msorryifI’vedisturbedtheirfreeloadingexistenceandprobablyscarredthemtoboot.”Hegrins,dimplesshowing.
Helooksconfident,tooconfident—whichmakesmefeelvulnerable—soIpout,bitingmylip.

Heimmediatelyturnsconciliatory,shiftingclosertome.“I’llapologizetoeachandeveryoneofyourstuffedanimalsif
that’llmakeyouhappy.”

Inod.
Hekissesme,draggingthepillowaway.
It’smidmorningbythetimewefinallybreakapartandemergefrommyroom.Igivehimoneofhisshirts,whichI’ddiscovered
thedayafterheleft.

“Icleanedandpresseditmyself.”Ihanditovertohimandheimmediatelydrawsitoverhishead.“Ajummawasonaspavacation
withhergirlfriends.”

Nathanielfrowns.“Youwereherebyyourselfallweek?”
“Yes,don’tyoufeelawfulforleavingme?”Idon’tpointoutthatIwasthereasonheleft.Hedoesn’teither.Becausehe’ssmart.

“Yes.”Henodsseriously.“Itwon’thappenagain.”
Weheaddownstairs,raidingthekitchen.WhileNathanielmakestoastandsetsthediningtable,Icookeggsandbaconina
pan.

Ittakesuslongertomakebreakfastbecausewekeeponstoppingtokiss,butonlyfifteenminutestoeatit,bothofusstarving.
“I’mgoingtorundownandgeticedcoffeefromtheconveniencestore,”Nathanielsays.“Youwantanything?”
“I’mokay,”Isay,takingthedishestothekitchen.I’mloadingthemintothedishwasherwhenIhearNathanielcomebackintothehouse.
“Thatwasfast,”Istay,steppingoutofthediningroom.
Myfatherstandsinthemiddleofthefoyer.
“Abeoji,”Isay,asuddencoldnessinmystomach.
Hedoesn’tsayanything,justlooksatme,andIknowheknowsthatNathanielspentthenight.HemustalsosuspectthatI’dbrokenitoffwithChaDonghyun.

ThedooropensandIhavethesecondshockofthemorningwhenmymotherwalksthroughthedoor.Shedoesn’tlooksurprised
toseemyfather.Shemusthaveknownhe’dbehere.Didhetellhertocome?

“Wh-where’sNathaniel?”Iaskher.Thereisn’tanywaytheydidn’tseehim;he’donlybeengoneforafewminutes.
“Isenthimhome,”shesays,hergazeavertedfrommyface.Onlylastnight,she’dacceptedherawardfrommyhands,pride
inhereyes.Nowshecan’tevenlookatme.

“Hedoesn’thavehisthings,”Isay.Hiswalletandphonearestillinmyroom,alongwithhissuitjacket.
“He’llbefine,”mymothersayscurtly.“SecretaryParkistakinghimbacktohisapartment.We’llreturnhisthingstohim
later.”

Istareatthemboth.“Whyareyouhere?”It’sareasonablequestion.Mymotherhasn’tbeenatthehouseinweeks,myfather
inyears
“Thisismyhouse,”myfathersays.“Whyshouldn’tIbehere?”Iflinchathistoneofvoice,whichhe’sneverusedwithme.ThoughI’veheardhimuseitwithhisaides,SecretaryLee,andevenwithmymother,whenwelivedtogether.“Iwantedtoseeformyselfifmydaughterwastrulylyingtomebehindmyback.”
It’sbecauseyourbackisturnedfromme,thatIlietoyou,Iwanttosay,butI’veneverspokenlikethattomyfather.

“Sori-abeoji,”mymotherchides.“Whatisthisallabout?Soourdaughterhadaboyovertothehouse.Thisisthetwenty-first
century.Doyourconstituentsknowyou’resoclose-minded?”

Mystomachsinks.Shedoesn’tknowthatNathaniel’sbeenlivinghere.Myfather’sfacehardens.Doesheknow?
“Followme.”
Withoutexplanation,heheadsintothemediaroom,turningonthetelevision.Hepressesabutton,andthefeedfromtheexternal
videosurveillancecamerasaroundthehouseappearonthescreen.Hehighlightsoneofthecameraslabeled“FrontGate.”Rewinding
tolastnight,heplaysitbackward.

Iwatch,numb,asonthescreenthecarservicepullsupoutsidethegate.Iseemyselfclimboutandhurrytoopenthedoor
whileNathanielpays,thenwe’repassingthroughthegatetogether.

Myfatherrewindsittoearlierthisweek,andIfeelasharppainatthememoryofthatnight.Iseemyselfstopoutside
thegatebythevine-coveredwall.WhenIstarttocry,Nathanielrushesbacktoembraceme.Heleavesafewminuteslater,
andIdroptotheground,breakingdownintears.

Myfatherclickshistongueindisgust,pressingthebuttontorewind.Iglanceatmymother,wonderingwhatshethinksof
allthis,butherexpressioniscarefullyblank,theonlyevidencethatshefeelssomethingistheslighttremblingofherhands.

Onandonmyfatherrewinds,showingwithirrefutableproofthatNathanielhadbeenlivingatthehousewithme.
Nearlyeverydayfortwoweekswe’reshownwalkinguptothehouse,usuallyatthesametime.
Andineveryvideo,we’relaughing.
Idon’tknowwhatmyfatherexpectsmetoseewatchingallthisback,butitonlyservestoremindmeofhowhappyIwasthose
weekswithNathaniel.Notonlyweremydaysfilledwithhard,satisfyingwork—trainingwithHyemi,beingapartofASAP’s
teamunderDirectorRyu’sleadership—butmynightswerefilledwithlaughterandlove.

Myfatherturnsoffthetelevision.
“Youwerelivingwithaboy,”heseethes,“undermyroof.Oneyouspecificallytoldmeyouweren’tseeing.WasmeetingwithCEOCha’snephewalieaswell?HowamIsupposed
tobelieveanythingyousay?”Heswipeshishanddownhisface.“Doyouthink,afteryou’veshownhowirresponsibleyouare,
thatI’llgivemysharestoyou?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”mymotheraskssharply.
Myfatherblinks,havingapparentlyforgottenshe’sintheroom.
“Sori,”mymothersays,frowning,“wereyoumeetingwithCEOCha’snephewinexchangeforyourfather’ssharesofJoah?”
“Nevermindthat,”myfatherinterruptsbeforeIcananswer.“I’mdisappointedinyou,Sori.Ithoughtyouwerelikeme,butyou’renot.You’reweak-mindedandlackdiscipline.Youbetrayedmytrust.Butyoucanmakeupforit,provetomethatyou’reserious,bybreakingupwiththatboy.MaybethenI’llconsidergivingyoutheshares.”
He’sgivingmeanultimatum:eitherchooseNathanielorsavethecompany.
“Don’t,”mymothersays.
There’sasharpsilence.
“Don’tbreakupwithNathaniel.”
Igapeatmymother.“Thatis,”shesays,“youdon’thavetobreakupwithhim,ifyoudon’twantto.”
Sheturnstomyfather,hereyesflashing.“Icanendureyouspeakingdowntome—Icaresolittleofyouropinion,ithardly
matters—butnottomydaughter,nevertoSori.”

I’veneverseenherstanduptohim,notlikethis.“Getoutofmyhouse.”
Myfather’sfaceturnsacuriousshadeofred.“You’rebothungrateful,afterallI’vedoneforyou…Let’sseeifyou
cansurviveonyourown.”

Hebeginstowalkfromtheroom,stoppinginfrontofme.“It’snottoolate,Sori.ComewithmenowandI’llforgiveyou.
Imightevenforgiveyourmother,intime.”

Itakeadeepbreath,meetinghisgaze.“YousayIbetrayedyourtrust,butIthinkit’stheotherwayaround.”
Hebristles.“Howdareyouspeaktomelikethat.You’remydaughter.”
“Idon’tfeellikeIam.Ifloveisconditionalbetweenus,mineisthatyourespectandlovemewithoutconditions.”
Myfatherwatchesmeforasecond,hisgazeneverleavingmine,andthenhestompsfromtheroom,slammingthedooronthewayout.
Isinktothefloor.WhathaveIdone?HaveIdoomedJoah?Myplanwasgettingmyfather’sshares.Withoutthem,mymother
willhavetosellthecompany.

Shestartstospeakbutstopswhenherphonechirps.Minedoesaswell,vibratinginmypocket.It’samessage,fromSecretary
Park,senttobothofus:

WooHyemi’sbeeninanaccident.Thirty-seven
Iburstintothehospitalroom,mymotherrightbehindme.Hyemi’ssittingupinbedwithherarminacast,eatingicecream
fromatub.Inanimpressiveshowofambidexterity,she’sbalancingthetubagainstherchestwiththecast,holdingthespoon
withherlefthand.

“Whathappened?”Ihurryover.
“ItwaslikeIwasinascenefromadrama,”Hyemisays.“Iwasatacrosswalkandamotorcyclistranaredlight,almost
bowlingmeover.Ilandedonmyarm,prettyhard.Toobadtherewasn’tacuteboytocatchme!”

Istareatherface.Isshemaskingherpainwithcheerfulness?Exceptthatshereallydoeslookokay.Shedoesn’tappear
tohaveanywounds,besidesherarm.

“Yourfather’sinHongKong,isn’the?”mymothersays,comingtostandnexttome.“Hasanyonecheckedyouin?”
“Idon’tthinkso.IcalledSecretaryParkwhenIgothere,afterIcalledmymomanddad.”
“I’llgocheckwiththedoctor,”mymothersays,leavingtheroom.
“SunYe-eonniandtheotherswerehere,”Hyemisays.“Youjustmissedthem.Theybroughttheicecream.Alsosnacksandtoysandstuffedanimals.RubybroughtherTamagotchi,whichisactuallykindofstressful.”Ilookbehindhertoaboxofitemsstuffedwithcolorfulbagsofchips,Pepero,andChocoPies,aswellasaSwitch;onthetopoftheboxisacrochetedcarrotwithaface.
“Theyhadtoleaveforarecording,”sheexplains.
Herwordsarefollowedbyabrieflull.
“I’msorryIhaven’tbeenaroundthispastweek,”Isayintothesilence.
“Afterthenewsarticle…”—Idon’thavetoexplaintheone—“Ibecameobsessedwithsavingthecompany,asifitwassomething
Icoulddo,onmyown.Iwassocaughtupwitheverythinggoingoninmyownlife,thatI’dforgottenthepersonwhowasstruggling
themost.I’msorry,Hyemi.”

“Youknow,sinceyoubroughtitup,Iwashurt.”Mychesttightens.“Ithought,whenyoudidn’tcometoseeme,thatyouwereonlyhelpingmebecauseofmyfather’smoney.”

“Hyemi…”Myheartconstricts.
“ButthenNathanielsaidsomethingthatmademerealizethatIwaswrongtothinkthatofyou.HeaskedmeifIthoughtyou
weresomeonewho’dhelpmejustformyfather’smoney,andnotbecausemaybeyoulikedme,justalittle.”

“Ilikeyoualot.”

Shegiggles.“AndIrealized…Ididn’t.Idon’t.Youhelpedmebecauseyougenuinelywantedto.Icouldfeelthat.Every
houryouspentwithmeinthatpracticeroom,everytimeyoulistenedtome,Ifeltyoursincerity.

“NathanielandI…wetalkedalotaboutyou.”Shescratchesherchin.“Actually,mostofourconversationswereabout
you.HewastheonewhoguessedyouweredatingCEOCha’snephewbecauseyouweretryingtosaveJoah…”

Nathaniel.
“Hyemi.”Itakeadeepbreath.“There’ssomethingIhavetotellyou.”
Shelooksatme,herexpressionopen.
“I’minlovewithNathaniel.”
“Iknow,”shesays,deadpan.“Isawallyourappearancestogether.Youcan’tfakethatkindofchemistry.AndIknowyou’re
notanactress.Iwatchedyourcameo.”

Igapeather,thenlaugh.“Hyemi-yah!”
“I’mhappylovingNathanielfromafar,likeafan.Myheartisn’tbroken,sodon’tworryaboutme.Honestly,IlikeyoumorethanIlikeNathaniel.I’mcheeringforyou,Eonni.”

She’ssosweet.Iwipethetearsgatheringatthecornersofmyeyes.“WhataboutASAP?Haveyouthoughtaboutwhetheryou
wanttostay?”

“Idon’tknow…”Shetucksastrandofherhairbehindherear.“Imissperforming.Thiswholeweek,I’vewantedtobe
onstagewiththeothermembers,butIdon’twanttobeaburdentothemeither.”

Ifrown,rememberingsomethingthatSunYesaidlastnight.“WhenSunYeandtheotherswerehere,didshetalkaboutanannouncement
regardingASAP?”

“Shedid,thoughshewasprettycrypticaboutit.”
“Ifyouwanttostayinthegroup,youshouldstay.Theothermembersalsowantthat.Let’strustinourCEO,Hyemi.She’ll
makethingsright.”

Shebeams.“Okay,Eonni.”
“Hyemi-yah!”Youngminstandsinthedoorwayholdingahumungousbouquetofpinkroses.
“Youngmin-ah!Arethoseforme?”
“Oh,these?They’reforthehalmeonitwodoorsdown.Ofcoursethey’reforyou!”
Heflouncesoverandshelaughs.
Ileavethetwoofthem,steppingoutsidethedoor.Mymotherwaitsononeofthebenchesoppositetheroom.
Itakeaseatbesideher.I’mstillshockedaboutwhathappenedatthehousewithmyfather.“Didyoureallymeanit?”Iask
quietly.“AboutnotbreakingupwithNathaniel.”

Sheleansbackinherchair,crossingonelegovertheother.“Whateveryourfathersays,Ialwayswanttodotheopposite.
Itworkedoutforyou,inthiscase.”

“Eomma…areyoumakingajoke?”
Shelaughs,abrightsound.“It’sbeenawhile,hasn’tit?Don’tworry.Iwillsupportyou.Lookingatthesecuritycamera
footage—which,bytheway,I’mgoingtocutyourfather’saccessto—fromthesepastweeksreallyhelpedmetosee.Imean,
I’mnotpleasedthatyouliedtomeandinvitedNathanieltostaywithyou,evenwithAjummaaround.Butwatchingthosevideos
mademerememberwhatmattersmost,whathasalwaysmatteredmost.Yourhappiness.”

Shesighs,butnotwithdistress.Withrelief.“I’mgoingtodivorceyourfather.”
“But…”I’msoshockedthatIsaythefirstthingthatcomestomind.“Whatabouttheshares?”
Hereyeswiden.“YouthoughtIwasstayingwithyourfatherbecauseoftheshares?”
“Yes?”
“No,Sori-yah,Istayedwithhimforyou.Iwantedyoutohaveafamily,somethingI,asanorphan,couldn’tgiveyou.ButthenIrealized,youalreadyhaveafamily.
Me.AndAjumma.ButalsoNathanielandtheotherXOXOmembers.Joahisyourfamily.”

“Butthehouse.”
“Sori-yah,it’smyhouse.”

“Yes,butAbeojiboughtitforyou.”
“Exactly.HeboughtmethehouseasaconditionthatIdidn’tleavehimafterhisfirstaffairwentpublic.It’snotagift
unlessthereceiverownsthehouse.Imadehimbuyitinmyname.”

Thehousedoesn’tbelongtomyfather.Itbelongstomymother.
“It’struethatIsignedaprenuptialagreement,butIdon’twantyourfather’smoney.Idon’tneedit.”
“And—andthecompany?”I’malittlebreathlesswithalltherevelations.“Isawthepapersinyourdrawer,thatyouwereselling
thecompanytoKS.”

“Oh,Sori.Youmusthavebeensostressed.IsthatwhyyouweredatingCEOCha’snephew?”
Sheshakesherhead.“I’lladmit,Idid…waver,butInevertrulyconsideredtheoffer.ThepapersweredrawnupbyKS’s
lawyers.

“Sinceit’sworryingyou,IcantellyouItookoutaloan.Thecompanywillbefine.Everydaypresentsnewchallenges,but
I’llworktogetherwithmyteamtofacethem.Itoedthelinebefore,bringingHyemiintoASAPinexchangeforherfather’s
money,butI’vedecidedtosticktomyprinciplesfromnowon.

“EvenifHyemi’sfathershouldofferthemoneytomorrow,Iwon’tacceptit.Hyemiistalentedandhardworking,soshe’llremaininthegroup.IwanttoprotectHyemi.Iwanttopaveapathforherwithlotsofbeautifulthingsforhertoseealongtheway.That’smydreamforher.
That’smydreamofJoah.”

“Eomma,”Isay,tearsinmyeyes,“I’msoproudofyou.”
“AndI’msoproudofyou,mydarlinggirl.”Shetakesmeintoherarms,holdingmeclose.Afterafewminutes,shegentlyreleasesme,herowneyes
alittledamp.“Whatdoyouthinkaboutfinallyhavingthatmeal?”
Thirty-eight
“Jenny-nuna!”
“Youngmin-ah!”
JennyandYoungminrunfromoppositeendsofmyfrontlawnlikethey’reinthepenultimatesceneofadrama.Infact,this
isexactlyhowthelatestepisodeofSun’sdramaended,withSunandtheheroinerunningtowardeachotheracrossabeach.
I’dwatchedtheepisodewithHyemiinthehospitalbeforemymotherandIhadlefttograblunch.

Whentheyreacheachother,YoungminpicksJennyupandspinsheraround.
It’salittlelastminute,butwithJenny,GiTaek,andAngela’shelp,aswellasAjummaandmymother’s,we’vemanagedto
turnmyfrontlawnintothesettingforaparty.We’veputouttablesandchairs,AngelaandGiTaekbroughtdecorations—party
balloonsandacongratulatorybanner—andNadineisbringingacakefromabakerynearheruniversity.We’recateringsandwiches
fromalocaldelicatessen,andSunsaidhe’llbringalcohol“fortheadults.”Asforentertainment,Iglancenervouslyat
themicrophoneinitsstand.

WhenIcameupwiththisplan,IthoughtofdoingsomethingthatwouldpleaseNathaniel,andbearingmyfeelingsforhimin
frontofourfriendsandfamily,whilemortifyingforme,wouldmakehimridiculouslyhappy.

There’sstillachancetobackout….
No,I’mdetermined.Iwanttodothis.

Iwanttocelebratehim,forthelaunchofhissong,andforcompletinghisclass—Nadineinformedmethathepassedhisfinal
exam—butalso,Iwanttoshowhimhowmuchthesepasttwoweekshavemeanttome,andtheyearsbefore,whenhefirststood
upformeagainstmybullies.Wehadn’tevenbeenfriendsthen,butNathanielcouldnevertolerateinjustice.Iusedtoenvy
hisfearlessness,becauseIknewthatitcamefromhavinghisfamilytoleanon,butnowallIfeelisgratitude,forthem,
forhim
Ilovehowconfidentheis.Healwaysthinksthebestofpeople,whichmakesmewanttobebetter.Hegivesmestrength.Andhe’sbecomemyfamily,likeSunandtheothers,likeJenny,andAjumma,andmymother,familyIchoose,andwho’vechosenme.

I’mstillsadaboutwhathappenedwithmyfather,butI’veleftthedooropen.Hecantakethefinalstepstowalkthrough.
It’suptohim.

AfterYoungmin,theguestsstartarriving.SunpullsupinaPorsche,bearingflowersformymother,whohandsthemtoAjumma
andgoestohelpwiththedrinks.

“Itoldyoushelivesinamansion.”IhearHyemi’sbrightvoiceoutsidethegate.

IhurrydowntoletherandtheASAPmembersinside.
“Daebak,”Jiyoosays,hereyeswideasshetakesinthefrontgardenandhouse.“You’resocool,CEOSeo!”
Mymotherjustshakesherheadwithasmile.Shehasn’ttoldthemyet,butJoahisreleasingastatementtomorrowmorning
toclearupthesituationsurroundingHyemi’sscandal.SinceJoahwon’tbeacceptingmoneyfromherfather,shecanjoinASAPwithaclearconscience.OnceHyemi’sarmheals,she’llbeabletostart
promotionsasearlyasnextweek.

DirectorRyuisnexttoarrive,sweepingthroughthegateinastylishbrownblazerandslacks.ShejoinstheASAPmembers
attheirtable,whereYoungministryingtoresurrectJiyoo’sTamagotchi.

Ipullmymotheraside.“Remember,backwhenyouaskedmetohelpHyemi,afterItoldyouInolongerwishedtobeanidol,
yousaidyou’dsupportmeonwhatevercareerpathIdidendupchoosing?”

Mymothernods.“Iremember.”
“Iknowwhatthatisnow.IwanttoworkwithDirectorRyu.IwanttocontinuehelpingherwithdevelopingASAP’sbrand,but
Ialsowanttohelpenvisionandlaunchnewgroups.Andmaybeoneday,Icanbecomeacreativedesignerwithateamofmy
own.”

“Ithink…,”mymothersaysslowly,“that’sagreatidea.Itmightnothaveseemedlikeit,butIwasobservingyou,
andIcouldn’thavechosenabettercareerforyoumyself.Jin-ranghasalreadypraisedyoutome,soIknowshe’dbehappy
tohaveyouonherteam.”

Mymotherturnscontemplative.“It’smoreofabehind-the-scenesrole,anditwon’tgetyouasmuchrecognition.”
“I’llhaveappreciationfromthepeoplewhoIcareabout,whomattertome,that’senough.”

Mymothersmiles,pleasedforme.
Nadinearrives,bearingaratherlargecakeinaboxthatafewoftheASAPmembershelphercarryinside,andthenJenny’s
runninguptome.

“Jaewootexted!Theyjustpulledupinfrontofthehouse.”
Ihurryovertothemicstand,withYoungmingrabbinghisguitartojoinme.
Nathanielwalksthroughthegate,hiseyeslockingontome.
Youngminplaystheopeningchords,andIbringthemicrophonetomylips.ThesongisNathaniel’s,theonehewrotewithNaseol,
arrangedforacousticguitar.IblockouttheeyesofeveryonewatchingandfocusonNathaniel.Idon’thavethemostbeautiful
voice,butIdohaveyearsofvoicetraining,andanyway,I’mnottryingtodemonstratemyskills,I’msingingtoshowNathanielthatI’m
willingtobevulnerable,infrontofhim,infrontofourfriendsandfamily.That,tome,he’swortheverysmallandbig
gesture,he’swortheverything
Whenthesongisover,there’sabriefsilence.Thenhe’swalkingacrossthegrass,andI’mstandinguptomeethim.Ilaunch
myselfintohisarms,andit’slikewe’reinadramaofourown,exceptthatit’sreal.

Afterward,NathanielandIsneakuptomyroomsothatIcangivehimbackhiswalletandphonethatheleftthemorningafter
theawardsshow.

“Wait,”Isay,whenhestartstoslidehisphoneintohisbackpocket.
Itakeoutmineandpulluphiscontact,clickingtheCallbutton.“Icouldn’tfindyourphone,soIcalledit.”
Onhisscreen,myincomingcalllightsupwiththenameSongbird.Itwashisnicknameformewhileweweredating.

“Didyouchangeitbackordidyou…?”
“Ineverchangedit.”
Feelingoverwhelmed,Ilookaway.“Ichangedyoursback.”IpulluphiscontactandshowhimthescreenwhereitsaysBoyfriend
“Back?”Heliftsabrow.“Whichmeansyouchangeditfrom‘Boyfriend’tosomethingelse.Wasit‘TheOneWhoGotAway’?”Hegrins.

“‘TheOneWhoAnnoysMeEndlessly.’”
“I’lltakeit,”Nathanielsays.
Ishakemyhead,amused.
Imovebehindhimtowardthedoor,thenstopwhenIfeelhishandslidealongmywaist.“Ilikeyourskirt.Wheredidyou
getit?”

Iturninhisarms,peeringuptostudyhisface.“You’restalling,aren’tyou?”
“Ijustwanttospendalittlelongerwithyou,”hesays,hisfingersfiddlingwiththebandoftheskirt.“Theycanwait.”
Hiseyeslift,meetingmine.“Ican’t.”

Myheartfillswithloveforhim.We’vebeenthroughsomuchandwaitedsolong.
“NeithercanI,”Isay,andbringmymouthtohisforakiss.Epilogue
DearJenny,
NathanielandIarrivedinNewYorksafely.We’restayingatahotelinManhattan.Iwantedtostayathisparents’house—hismothermakesthemostdeliciousmeals,andhisfathertreatsmelikehisfifthdaughter,
whichistosay,headoresme—butNathanielwantedto“havemetohimself”orwhateverridiculousthingshelikestosay.Ithinkhesaysstufflike
thatjusttogetareactionoutofme,anditworkseverytime!Ugh!

IknowI’mtalkingtoyouovervideochatlatertoday,butIwantedtosendyouapostcard.Isn’tthephotoonthefrontgorgeous?
RememberwhenyouaccidentallyreadthepostcardNathanielsentme,andwehadthatwholemisunderstanding?Haha.Well,this
one’sforyou.Youcanreadthisone.

I’msohappy,Jenny,happierthanI’veeverbeen,andthebestpartaboutit?Iknowthishappinesswilllast.Becauseof
Nathaniel,butalsobecauseofyouandallourfriends.NathanielandIaregoingtoParisnext,thenMilan,butwe’llbe
backinSeoulbytheendoftheyear.Let’scelebratetogether.

XOXO,
SoriAcknowledgments
Firstandforemost,thankyoutoallthereaderswhoshoweredXOXOwithsomuchloveandsupport.Thisbookwouldnotbepossiblewithoutyou.?????
Tomyeditor,CarolinaOrtiz,thankyouforyourgentleguidanceandwonderfuledits.ASAPisthebookitistodaybecauseofyou.Tomyagent,PatriciaNelson,thisisourfifthbooktogether!We’vecomesucha
longway—thankyouforeverything.

IwasecstaticwhenIfoundoutI’dgettoworkwithdesignerJessieGangandillustratorZipcyagain:thankyouforthemost
beautiful,dreamycover!Youalwayshititoutoftheballpark.

Toeveryoneworkingbehindthescenes:copyeditorJillFreshney,proofreaderGenevieveKim,productioneditorsMikaylaLawrence
andGwenethMorton,productionmanagersAnnabelleSinoffandNicoleMoulaison,yougivemesomuchconfidence,andforthat
Iwillforeverbegrateful.

TotheteamatHarperTeenandEpicReads,includingLisaCalcasolaandKellyHaberstroh,I’msoproudtohaveyouonTeam
ASAP.Andtomywonderfulaudiobooknarrators,GretaJung,a.k.a.JennyfromXOXO,andJoyOsmanski,a.k.a.SorifromASAP—thankyouforbringingmycharacterstolife!

SpecialthankstoNadiaKimforyourinvaluableinsightsandtoAnissafromFairyLoot,whosededicationtoandpassionfor
booksinspiresme!

MyKoreanauthorfriendsgroweveryyear—Itreasureallofyou:KatCho,SarahSuk,SusanLee,GraceK.Shim,LylaLee,StephanLee,andEllenOh.Thanksforallthelaughsandrealtalk!
TotheTreechat,Ihonestlydon’tknowhowI’devenwriteanovelwithoutallofyou:AkshayaRaman,a.k.a.ATEEZ’s#1fan
(specialshout-outtoWooyoung);KatyRosePool,CRJ’sandSufjan’sgroupchatrepresentative;andMadeleineColisandErin
RoseKim,myfavoriteSwifties.

Thankyoutomycritiquepartners:MegKohlmann,AmandaFoody,AmandaHaas,AlexisCastellanos,AshleyBurdin,C.L.Herman,
MaraFitzgerald,MelodySimpson,TaraSim,andJanellaAngeles—you’remorethancritiquepartners;you’refriendsforlife.

Toallmyfriends,oldandnew,thankyou:KarunaRiazi,NafizaAzad,LaurenHennessy,AshleyKim,MichelleKim,KristinDwyer,
AdalynGrace,StephanieWilling,CandiceIloh,DevonVanEssen,MichelleCalero,GabyBrabazon,CynthiaMun,CindyPon,Judy
I.Lin,SwatiTeerdhala,HannahBahn,VeedaBybee,andJuneCLTan.

TothewonderfulownersoftheWriter’sBlock,DrewandScott—thankyouforprovidingahomefortheLasVegasbook-loving
community!

TotheforeignpublishersofXOXOandASAP—thankyouforsharingmystorieswithreadersallaroundtheworld!AndtoXOXO’sinternationalfans,thankyou!I’mhonoredtohavesuchfantasticreaders.

Thankyoutoallthebloggersandbookloverswho’vesupportedmeandmystories;specialshout-outstoAlexafrom@alexalovesbooks,Lilifrom@utopia.state.of.mind,Corifrom@coristoryreads,Michellefrom@magicalreads7,andTiffanyfrom@readbytiffany.
Tomyverylargeextendedfamily:Iloveyouallsomuch!!Specialshout-outtoRhysandNora,ournewestmembers<3
ToToroandLeila:Iloveyou,mongmong!
Andlast,butneverleast,tomyfamily,whohavealwaysgivenmethemoststrength:MomandDad,Camille,andJason.AbouttheAuthor
PhotobyCamilleOh
AXIEOHistheNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofTheGirlWhoFellBeneaththeSea,XOXO,andtheRebelSeoulseries.BorninNewYorkCityandraisedinNewJersey,shestudiedKoreanhistoryandcreativewriting
asanundergradattheUniversityofCaliforniaSanDiegoandholdsanMFAinwritingforyoungpeoplefromLesleyUniversity.
HerpassionsincludeK-pop,anime,stationarysupplies,andmilktea,andshecurrentlyresidesinLasVegas,Nevada,with
herdogs,LeilaandToro.Visitheronlineataxieoh.com
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ASAPCopyright
HarperTeenisanimprintofHarperCollinsPublishers.
ASAP.Copyright?2024byHarperCollinsPublishers.AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.
Bypaymentoftherequiredfees,youhavebeengrantedthenonexclusive,nontransferablerighttoaccessandreadthetext
ofthise-bookon-screen.Nopartofthistextmaybereproduced,transmitted,downloaded,decompiled,reverse-engineered,
orstoredinorintroducedintoanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,inanyformorbyanymeans,whetherelectronic
ormechanical,nowknownorhereafterinvented,withouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofHarperCollinsPublishers.

Coverart?2024byHarperCollinsPublishersCoverartbyZipeyCoverdesignbyJessieGang
LibraryofCongressControlNumber:9780063299306
DigitalEditionFEBRUARY2024ISBN:978-0-06-329932-0PrintEditionISBN:978-0-06-329930-6—ISBN
978-0-06-337098-2(specialedition)—ISBN
978-0-06-338148-3(internationaledition)
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