Between Us A Novel

BETWEENUSMhairiMcFarlane
Copyright
HarperCollinsPublishersLtd
1LondonBridgeStreet,
LondonSE19GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
FirstpublishedbyHarperCollinsPublishersLtd2023
Copyright?MhairiMcFarlane2023
CoverdesignbyHollyMacdonald?HarperCollinsPublishersLtd2023
Coverillustration?MajaTomljanovic
MhairiMcFarlaneassertsthemoralrighttobeidentifiedastheauthorofthiswork.
AcataloguecopyofthisbookisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary.
Thisnovelisentirelyaworkoffiction.Thenames,charactersandincidentsportrayedinitaretheworkoftheauthor’simagination.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,eventsorlocalitiesisentirelycoincidental.
AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.Bypaymentoftherequiredfees,youhavebeengrantedthenon-exclusive,non-transferablerighttoaccessandreadthetextofthise-bookonscreen.Nopartofthistextmaybereproduced,transmitted,down-loaded,decompiled,reverseengineered,orstoredinorintroducedintoanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,inanyformorbyanymeans,whetherelectronicormechanical,nowknownorhereinafterinvented,withouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofHarperCollins.
SourceISBN:9780008412487
eBookEdition?February2023ISBN:9780008412494
Version:2023-02-10PraiseforMhairiMcFarlane
‘MyheartalwayssoarsatanewMhairinovel,Ilove,love,loveher.She’ssogreatattreadingthenarrowlinebetweenhumourandloss.Ireadthiswithdelightandenvy’
MARIANKEYES
‘Gorgeouslyromantic,aswellasastoryaboutfriendshipandgriefandloss;Ineverwantedittoend’
BETHO’LEARY
‘Funny,charmingandsmart’
LUCYDIAMOND
‘Gorgeous,funny,life-affirming’
JENNYCOLGAN
‘Funny,poignant,fullofinsight…atriumph’
KATIEFFORDE
‘Aluminous,heart-achinglybeautifullovelettertofriendship’
JOSIESILVER
‘Aneffortlesslybrilliantread–willhaveyoulaughingwhenyoushouldn’tandsobbingwhenyouleastexpectit’
GIOVANNAFLETCHER
‘Sofunny,sosadinparts,andjustsosharpandheartwarming’
LIALOUIS
‘Witty,movingandoriginal.IwillreadanythingMhairiwrites,sheisthemasterofthought-provokingromanticfictionandIadorethecharactersshecreates’
SOPHIECOUSENS
‘Funny,sadandentirelyunputdownable,fullofcompassionandhope,andblissfully,wonderfullyromantic’
CRESSIDAMCLAUGHLIN
‘Laugh-out-loudfunny,devastatinglymoving,anddelightfullyswoony,allatonce.McFarlaneisinaleagueofherown’
LOUISEO’NEILL
‘Hilarious,wise,andcleverwithtwistsandturnsandpackedwithheartandchemistrythatsizzlesoffthepage…she’sbrilliantanduntouchable’
JUSTINMYERS
‘Sofunny,somoving,soperfectlypaced,soeverything.Sheisabsolutelybrilliant,thekindofwriteryoufeelluckytobearoundatthesametimeas’
EMMAHUGHES
‘Ican’trememberthelasttimeIenjoyedabooksomuch’
GILLIANMCALLISTER
‘Sparklywriting,laugh-out-loudfunnyandastorythat’llkeepyouenthralled’
JANEFALLON
‘Noonewritessuchwry,emotionallycomplexromanticfictionasMhairiMcFarlane’
RED
‘Witty,sharp…Thisismodernandhonestromanticfictionatitsmostaccomplished’
HEAT
‘Hilarious,cleverandbeautifullywritten’
DAILYMAILDedication
ForJeanieAwomantellinggreatstoriesContents
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
PraiseforMhairiMcFarlane
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Chapter31
Chapter32
Chapter33
Chapter34
Chapter35
Chapter36
Chapter37
Chapter38
Chapter39
Chapter40
Chapter41
Chapter42
Chapter43
Chapter44
Chapter45
Chapter46
Chapter47
Chapter48
Chapter49
Chapter50
Chapter51
Chapter52
Chapter53
Chapter54
Chapter55
Chapter56
Chapter57
Chapter58
Chapter59
Chapter60
Chapter61
Chapter62
Chapter63
Chapter64
Chapter65
Chapter66
Chapter67
Chapter68
Chapter69
Chapter70
Chapter71
Chapter72
Chapter73
Chapter74
Chapter75
Acknowledgements
KeepReading…
AbouttheAuthor
AlsobyMhairiMcFarlane
AboutthePublisherPrologue2003StockportPlazaTheatre
Wythenshawe’sNo.1Psychic!proclaimedaposteronaneaselonstage,fortonight’sshow:aclairvoyantcalledQueenieMook.Thenamewassopeculiar,itcouldn’tbemadeup.
‘Youwonderwhodecidesthat?’Roisinsaid.‘It’snotlikeyoucanget…accredited.’
Agedtwelve,shewasproudofaccredited
Hermotherlookedatherwithnarrowingeyes,underLanc?me-blackedlashes,sensingsedition.
WhenRoisinhadbeenpermittedtojoinhergirls’nightout,itcamewithawarning.
‘Don’tbotherifyou’regoingtobeasmartarse–it’srudetoDianaandKim,’hermumhadsaid.‘Di’sdad,Rodney,diedofacutepancreatitislastNovember.She’shopinghe’llcomethrough.’
‘Oh,right,’Roisinsaid,thinkingthattreatingQueenieMookasaswitchboardfortheAfterlifedidn’tseemdestinedforsuccess.Herpromotionalmaterialshowedshemainlyworkedcruiseships.
‘They’vebeenatsixesandsevenssince.Rodstillranthefinancialsideofthedrain-cleaningbusiness.’LorrainemadeitsoundasifDianahadapressingbutfunctionalenquiry:whereisthe2001VATreturn,orsimilar.
Roisinwantedtoattendfortworeasons:curiosityaboutmediums,andbecausethiswasaproperlyexcitingjolly.HermumwasdrenchedinaforcefieldofGuerlainShalimar,alion’smaneofsalon-blownhair,satindressstretchedacrossherhips,sheertightsandpatentheels.
Itwasfuntobeinhermother’sorbitonsuchoccasions,seeingtheheadssheturned.LikebeingPAtosomeonefamous.TherewasataxifromWebberley,Lorraine’sperfumedcovendemandingthatLionelRichie’s‘AllNightLong’wasTURNEDUP,PLEASE
Fifteenminutestocurtainup.Thankstothecarafesofpinkwinethey’dseenoffduringthepre-showbrasseriedinner,therewasaflurryoftripstotheladies.
Lorrainewentfirst,thenDiandKimtogether.
‘Don’tyouneedawee?’saidhermum,afteraminuteofconcertedpoutingintohermake-upcompact.RoisinvaguelywonderedifLorrainewantedheroutoftheway.Forthepurposesofasurreptitiousphonecall,perhaps?Herparentskeptsecrets.Roisinwasalwayscaughtbetweenwantingtoknowwhattheywere,andnotwantingtoknowwhattheywere.
‘Nah.’
‘Hmmm,Ithinkyoushouldgo.We’reinthemiddleofarowandthoseseatswillfillup.’
Roisin’sconvictionthathermotherhadanulteriormotivedeepened.Butsheknewitwaseasiertocomply,soshestoodupandheadedtothetoilets.Allthestalldoorswereclosed.Assheplonkeddownonthecoldseatinhercubicle,sheheardtheacousticsoftheotheroccupantsexitingtheirs.
Flush.Doorbang.Tapgush.Flush.Doorbang.Tapgush.
‘WiththewayLorraine’shittingthePinotBlush,Iassumeshe’snolongerwithchild?’saidadisembodiedKim.
Forasplitsecond,Roisinthoughttheymeanther.
‘Ohno.Shegotrid.Acoupleofweeksago.’
‘ShenevertoldGlen?’
Glen.Roisin’sdadwascalledKent.(ApublandlordcalledKent.Hisnamewasagifttocustomershekickedout.)
‘God,no.Asshesays,whatwouldbethepoint?He’dnotwanthertokeepit,andtwo’senough.Who’dgobacktonightfeeds?’
‘WhataboutKent?Didheknow?’
‘Doubtit,don’tyou?Don’task,don’ttell.’
‘Mmmm.Shewantstobemorecareful.’
‘SaysshehadadodgyomeletteattheFox&Hounds,threwupherpill.Neverthought.’
‘Youknow,I’vewonderedaboutthefoodattheFox’s.Ihadcoleslawoncethattastedliketuna.I’msureitgavemetheshits.’
Therewasablastofanairdryer,whichobscuredthenextpart,untilRoisincouldtunebackin:
‘…doeswhathelikes,too.SheandKentarelikeacoupleofcarefreeteenagers,aren’tthey?’
‘Mmm-hmm.She’sfreeofthatparticularcarenow,anyway.Ismyskirtseamstraight?’
Theyclatteredout.
Roisinsatwithherknickersroundherkneesassheabsorbedthefactthathermotherhadgotpregnantbyamansheknewasoneofherparents’card-playingfriends.
Thisinformationputtheofficialsignatureonadisorientating,gruesomeexperienceshe’dhadayearearlier.Ontheseparticularsocialoccasions,involvingTexashold’emandcopiousamountsoftequila,herparentsissuedsternwarningsnottocomedownstairsunderanycircumstances
RoisinandherbrotherhadlongagodevelopedatechniqueforsneakingdowntospyonChristmaspresentwrapping,andlatertosubvertbeinggrounded:thebarinthefamilypubwashighenoughthat,asasmallerperson,youcouldcrouchlowandcrab-scuttlebehindit.
Youwereinthesaloonatthefront,whichthegrown-upstypicallyinhabitedafterhours.Youcould,withtheagilityofasafe-cracker,carefullyunboltthelittledoorpanelatthesideandescapeintothelounge,andthenthepubgardenandWebberleybeyond.
ThisSaturday,despitethemuffledhubbubbelow,RoisinhadapowerfulcravingforDrPepper.Shewouldlookbackandwonderif,infact,hersubconscioushadathirstforknowledge,becausetheappealofthedrinkandthepotentialbollockinginnowaybalancedout.
Roisincreptdownstairs,heartinmouth.Slidingthebottleoutoftherackandhookingitsmedallidontheopenerwasmadeinfinitelyeasierbytheraucous,booze-fuelledbadinageofherdadandawoman,Glen’swife,Tina,unseenbutverycloseathand.Cigarettesmokecurledintheairandthejukeboxplayedsomethingjazzy.Iceclinked.Laughterexploded.
Missionaccomplished,asRoisingrippedthesodapopbottle,yetsomethingcompelledhertotaketheinsane,additionalriskofopeningthesidedoorandpokingherheadintotheloungebar.Intheneardistance,atthepooltable,twofigureswereclampedtogether.Shecouldn’tseethefacesofeither.Hermother’slegs,feetwithpaintedtoenailsingoldstrappyshoesthatRoisincoveted,dangledeithersideofbaremalebuttocks.Roisinmadeoutforeign,animalisticnoisesasthedullthudofunderstandinghitherintheguts.Acryofshockandobjectioncaughtinherthroatbeforeshewithdrewandfledbackupstairstolieawakeinbed,awashwithsweatandchestpounding,tryingtomakesenseofwhatshe’dseen.
Now,returningtoherplaceinthetheatrebalcony,Roisinfeltsimilar.
Shecouldn’thelpstaringatthenearimperceptible,shallowcurveofhermum’sstomachundershinyfabric,inspectingherglossedfaceforclues.Whenhadshedoneit,thetermination?Duringaschoolday?
She’dassimilatetonight’sluridintelentirelybyherself:withperhapsonefailedattempttodiscussitwithheryoungerbrother,Ryan.NomatterhowmanytimeshemadeitclearthatRoisin’srevelationsweren’twelcome,shelivedinhopeofhimasaconfidante.
RoisinbecamegratefulforthedistractionofwatchingQueenieMookplyherstrangetrade,inthemulticolouredup-lit,kitschaltverseofthevarietytheatre.
Queeniewasverypetiteandhadahelmetoffluorescentorangehair,astartlingsynthetictangerinethatrecalledJohnnyRotten.
Sheaddressedthethrongas‘myloves’andwasdressedinasilkblousewithanegg-sizedenamelbrooch,navytrousers,likethemanagerofabranchofVisionExpress.Roisinwasalittledisappointed,havingenvisionedanimperiousSixtiesmatriarchwithachignon,inabeaverfurcoat.
Theshowsoonsettledintoarhythm–Roisinfiguredoutitwasagameofharvestinginformationfromtheaudience,whileweavingtheillusionofhavingsuppliedit.Thephantoms,seenandheardonlybyQueenie,onlyeverofferedtheirfirstname,whichwasalwaysaplainandcommonone.Noneofthemgavesurnames,whichwould’veresolvedidentityalotquicker.
AprocessionofTeds,MarysandJacksqueuedup.Queenieauctionedtheirpresencetotheauditorium,alongwithafewothersalient,yetvaguedetails.PerhapsMarylovedmusic–everyonewouldsaythatabouther,shesays–orJackwasmotioningasteeringwheel?Didhe…likecars?Drivetractorsforajob?Didhe–sorryifthisisdifficult,myloves–dieinaroadaccident?
There’deventuallybeagaspofrecognitionfromsomewhereinthestallsandQueeniewouldzeroinonatarget.
However,whetherthemessagewasindeedforthe–usuallyemotional–recipientwasconditional.IftheycorrectedQueenietoomanytimes,she’dsnap:‘Sorrymylove,thismessageisn’tforyou,’andmoveonbriskly.
Lorraine,KimandDiwereraptthroughout,hangingonQueenie’severyword,wipingundertheireyeswhenQueenieprovideddubiouscatharsis.Diana’sdad,Rodney,didnotputinanappearance.Should’vehadamorecommonname,Roisinthought.
Roisin’scomposureonlyfalteredinthelasttwentyminutes,duringaninteractionwithawidownearthefrontrow.
Thewoman’slatehusband,Clive,victimofachroniclungcondition,wasreportedlyonstagewithQueenie.
Thewidowwassobbing.Thechicaneryofthewholethinghadseemedlikerelativelyinnocent–ifbizarre–funtoRoisin,untilthatmoment.DidQueenieknowshewasinventingthesevisitors?Didshereallygivecredencetoherownpowers?Doliarsalwaysknowthey’relying?
‘Whenhewent,itwasfast?’Queeniesaid,oncethewomanhadquietened.
‘No.Itwasslow.Hewasonoxygenforweeks.’
‘Butwhenhewent,itwasfast?’Queeniepaused.‘Clive’stellingmeitwasfast–he’sverycertain,’sheadded,tomakeitclearwhothewomanwascontradicting.‘Hekeepsgesturingtohischest,asifhe’sshortofbreath,’Queenieadded,bangingherownsternumwithafist,somewhatunnecessarily.
‘Uhm…wellattheend,Isupposeitwasquick?’thewidowsaid.
‘That’swhatImeant,’Queeniesaid,nodding.‘Heissaying:“itwasslow,butfastattheend.”’
Roisinbarkedasmalllaugh.Peopleglancedoverandhermotherangrilyshushedher.
‘Howcanitbeslowandfast?’Roisinwhispered,andLorraineglared.
‘Clivewantsyoutoknowyoudideverythingright.Helovesyouverymuch.Hesaysit’slovelywhereheis,’Queeniesaid.
Therewasaudibleweeping,andmoreexpressionsofgratitude.Roisinsquirmed.Queenieclearlyknewitwastimetogooutonahigh.
‘ThankyouforbeinghereandsharingwhatIcallmymomentsofclearseeingwithme,’Queeniesaid,andtheroombrokeintorapturousapplause.
Thearcofhistorywaslong,anditbenttowardssickhumour.WhenRoisinandJoebrokeup,twentyyearslater,RoisincouldonlythinkthatitwasperfectlysummarisedbytheparadoxofQueenieMook.
Itwasslow,butfastattheend.1
‘Miss,Miss,MISS.Miss?Dirtyweekendwithyourboyfriend?Miss!’
AmirgesturedatthetrolleycasestandingsentrybehindRoisin’sdesk,whichshewaspoorlyconcealingbydrapingwithacagoule.Hewasinthenaughty-yet-good-naturedcategoryamongherstudents,andsherespondedaccordingly.
‘Verycleanactually,Amir.Aspaweekendwithsomeofmygirlfriends.’
IftherewasonethingthatbothherchildhoodandhercareerhadtaughtRoisinWalters,itwasthatlyingtokidsmightnotbenoble,butgenerallygotthejobdone.
‘ASPA.Like,asauna?’Hechewedhispenandmadeacheekyface.
‘Backtothetext,please.I’mgoingtocollectyourpapersin…’Sheglancedupatthewallclock,hereverreliableteachingassistant.‘…fiveminutes’time!’
‘Miss,’Amirpersisted,thenseeingherunder-her-browlookofscepticism:‘Nonono–it’saboutthebook!’
Roisinrolledhereyes.‘Goon.’
‘Right,everyonethinksGreatExpectationsisgood,like.Aposhbook.Whichiswhywe’restudyingitinanEnglishLitlesson.’
‘Yes?’Roisinknewatime-wastetrollingwhenonebegan,andsodidAmir’speers,waitingwithdelightedanticipationforthepayoff.
MPswhorantheparliamentarysessiondownwithpointless,aimlessdebatewerefilibustering;onlineargumentsthatinvolvedrepeatedrequestsforevidence,madewithfaux-sincerityandexcessivecivility,wasanexhaustiontacticcalledsealioning
RoisinfeltneitherfilibusterersnorsealionerscouldholdacandletoaclassofrestlessYear10sinaso-calleddosssubjectonasunnyFridayafternoon,rightattheendofterm.
Lastweek,oneofAmir’saccomplices,Pauly,hadarrivedatRoisin’slessonwithabreedoftiny,furious-lookingdogshewastoldwascalleda‘BrusselsGriffon’inanold-fashionedwhite-wheeledpram.Paulywasallegedly‘childminding’thiscreature‘forhisnan’.Thecanine,knownasSproutandresemblinganabandonedJimHensonproject,hadcausedadisruptionakintothePresidentlandinginAirForceOne.
‘AndthisDickensbookiswellold.160yearsold,’Amircontinued,inhisquestforenlightenment.
‘Correct.’
‘So,inanother160years–that’llbe…the3080s,’hesaid,pretendingtocountoffhisfingers.Comicpause.‘WilleveryoneinherereadingFiftyShadesofGrey,yeah?Itwillbeawelloldproperbook.’
Theclassrespondedwiththerequiredlaughter,Amirgrinningproudly.Roisinwaiteditout.
‘Idoubtit,butthat’sstillaquestionworthasking,thankyou,Amir.’
Shejudgedthatwithwhatwasleftofthislesson,subvertingAmirwasmorefruitfulthantryingtogeteveryonebacktoponderingthemotivesofAbelMagwitch.
‘It’sbecausetheworthofliteratureisnotonlydeterminedbythepassageoftime,’Roisinsaid.
‘Mymumandmyauntiereallylikeitthough,’Amirsaid,tomorecackling.‘MyauntiereadsitonherKindle…inthebath.Ifyoucatchmydrift.’
Thisinformationprovokedhyenawhooping.
‘Andtheycanenjoyit,’Roisinsaid,hertonemakingitclearshewasignoringtheinnuendo.‘Notallbookshavetobestudiedforeducation.’
‘WhyisGreatExpectationsbetterthanFiftyShades,though?Isitbecauseit’sbyadeadman,Miss?Isn’tthatsexism?And…alive-ism?’Amirchewedhispenagain.
Despiteherself,Roisinsmiled.Hewasputtingsincereeffortintothisderailing.
‘It’sbecauseGreatExpectationsisaboutclass,socialmobilityandthewayweusethatsocialstatustojudgehumanworth,andFiftyShadesisaboutabillionairehavingsexwithacollegestudent.’
Gettingtheteachertosaytheword‘sex’wasofcourseahugevictoryinitself,andherYear10s’lastperiodbeforetheweekendnowtookonafestivalatmosphere.
‘Exactly,Miss,soacollegestudentboning,like,ElonMusk,issociallyclimbingthen,’Amirsaid,pausingforahighfivewithPauly,thepensioners’choiceofdog-sitter.
‘Itsoundslikeyou’vethoughtaboutthis,haverealinsightsonthissubject,’Roisinsaid,foldingherarms,leaningagainstherdesk.‘PerhapsyoushouldgiveapresentationonthemeaningsandthemesofGreatExpectationsandtheirmirroringinFiftyShades?’
‘Totallyupforthat,Miss.I’llneedatellybringingin,though,becauseIwillhavetoshowclipsfromthefilmstoexplainwhatImeanproperly.’
‘Sadly,thosefilmsareaneighteencertificate,Amir,sonotonlyisitnotallowed,butI’malsosureyou’venotseenthem.’
‘Itotallydidn’tseethembecausemyauntiedoesn’thavethemallonBlu-ray,Miss.’
‘Welldone,Auntie.’
Thebellrang–apiercingshriek–andtheusualscrambletothedoorensuedwhileRoisincalled,‘Papersonmydeskbeforeyougo,please!’
‘Isyourhusband’snewshowonthisweekend,Miss?’Amirsaid,loitering,ashehookedhisrucksackoverhisshoulders.
Roisinwasmomentarilystartled.
‘Sorry,boyfriend,’Amirsaid,mistakingthereasonshelookedtakenaback.
RoisinhadthoughtJoe’snextprojecthadflownundertheradarofthepopulationofHeathwoodSchool.She’dbeencarefultobarelymentionittocolleagues,too:forgettingthenameofitwhentheyasked.Promisingandthenfailing,onpurpose,totellthemwhenitaired.
ButifAmirknew,theneveryoneknew,ortheysoonwoulddo.
‘Uhm,yes,onlate,though.Afterthewatershedforyou.’Shetriedtorecoverasmile.(Wasthewatershedevenathinganymore?)
‘I’llaskmyauntiewhatit’slikethen,’hesaid,withawinkandacackle,asheswaggeredout.
Aloneintheclassroom,RoisintieduptheunrulystackofpagesoflinedA4withhothandsandswallowed,hard.2
MissWalters,apopularand,atthirty-two,youthfulmemberoftheEnglishdepartment,wasknownfortwothings.
Firstly–andthiswasalowbarforfascinatingcharactertraits,butthatwascomprehensiveschoolsinleafyareaslikeCheadleforyou–shehadburgundyhair.
Roisindidn’tspendmuchonherappearance,butheronevanitysplurgewasherbelow-shoulder-lengthmermaidwaves.Theywereaglossyshadeofblack-claretgrapethatwasn’tsopunkthatitimmediatelyregisteredasnotnatural,butequallydidn’texistoutsideofchildren’spicturebooks,Marvelfilms,orAveda.Joecalleditherwarriorspaceprincesshair.
Sheusuallyworeitupinalargecrocodileclipforwork,whichdidn’tstopadmiringfemalepupilsaskingfordetailsofpricesandtreatmentsinvolved,andthemaleonessometimeswantingtoknowwhyshehad‘apurplebun’.
TheotherthingtoknowaboutMissWalterswasthatherpartner,JoePowell,wasascreenwriter.
Threeyearsago,he’dcreatedandwrittenadramaaboutScotlandYard’sreallife‘superrecognisers’squad,peoplewithincrediblepowersofrecallforfaces:SEEN(CapsLock,trendyproductioncompany’sown.)
Initially,thenatureofJoe’sjobwasmerelygossipinthestaffroom,butyounomorecontainedgossipinthestaffroomatHeathwoodthananairbornevirus.
She’dnotexpectedJoe’sshowtobecomeaculturallybeloved,‘watercooler’,megaratingshitthatmillionswatched.Inherdefence,neitherhadJoe,orthetelevisionbosses.Itscastofunknownswerenowhouseholdnames,itsplottwistswereworthyoftabloidstories,andontheeveningswhenitwastransmitted,Twitterdidn’treallytalkaboutanythingelse.
Aftertheseasontwocliff-hangerfinale,Roisinwasbeingaskedineverylessonifitwastruethatitsleadcharacter,HarryOrton,wasreallydead,orifhe’dsurvivedbeingshotandfallingintotheThames.
Herby-roteanswer:‘Idon’tknow,andifIdid,Istillcouldn’ttellyou!’(RealanswerbyJoe:‘Iwishhefuckingwas,thewhingeingdiva.’)
ShehadbeenrelievedwhenSEENwentonwhatAmericanscalledhiatusbeforeitsthirdseries,despiteanoutcryfromthenation.
ThecareerbreakthroughforJoethatthey’dthoughtwouldmeancalmer,warmerwatersfinanciallywasmorelikeatidalwavethatwashedawaylifeasthey’dknownitbefore.Ithadleftthemclinging,bewildered,toaremainingrock.(Averynicelyappointedrock:they’dboughtaluxuryapartmentinaconvertedchapelinWestDidsbury.Whenhandedthekeys,they’dfeltasdazedandfraudulentasifthemoneyhadcomefromadrugdeal.)
JoehadblankchequebooksflappedopenaroundhimtowritewhateverhefanciedintherestfromSEENandhe’dcomeupwithHunter.Itwasathree-partshowaboutamaverickManchesterdetectiveandsexaddictthrill-seeker,JasperHunter.‘MuchdarkerandedgierthanSEEN,’Joesaid,proudly.
Havingrealisedshewasapowerlesspassengeronthisdrunkenjoyride,Roisin’sfeelingsaboutHunterweremixed.Shedidn’tknowwhethertofearfailure,orsuccess.GivenRoisindidn’tlikeheraccidentalnotorietyatHeathwoodasitwas,shewassureshe’dlikebeingaskedaboutashaggingdramaevenless.Sexsceneswrittenbyyourpartner–itwasgoingtofeelweird,andshedidn’tevengettofeelweirdinprivate.
WhatcouldshesaytoJoe,though?‘Pleasedon’tdepictfranticcarnalcouplingsandmakeeveryonethinkaboutyouandyourgirlfriendofthelastnineyears’?
Itwasanintractableproblem.Itwasalsowhatherdepartmenthead,WendyCopeland,codenamedasNFI–NotFuckingIdeal.
RoisinoptedfortheunderratedcopingstrategycalledPretendItIsn’tHappeningand,withoutintendingto,Amirhadmadeitclearthatwasanillusion.
Shewrestledhersuitcaseoutfrombehindthedesk.
It’dbefine.
Thisbells-and-whistlesminibreakintheLakeDistrictwouldtakethecurseoff.She’dviewthefirstepisodeinthebosomofherfriendshipgroupandfeelasenseofproudownership.Themockinginherlessonswouldbounceoffherlikesmallstonesonatoughenedwindshield,rippingalongatmotorwayspeed
Roisinknewshewasself-soothing,andit’donlyreallyconvinceherwhenshehadaglassofwineinherhand,andnotforlongafterthepointshedidn’thaveaglassofwineinherhand.Butfuckit!Otherwise,therewasPretendItIsn’tHappening.
ThisholidaywasthankstotheirfriendDev,anextrovert,indefatigablesocialengineandone-timereality-TVstar,winningtheshort-lived,torridFlatmates,almostthreeyearsago.Hehadhiredwhatlookedtobe,onthephotosintheirWhatsAppgroup,astatelyhome.
Tonight,theyhadadinnerparty,celebratingDevandhisfiancée,Anita,gettingengaged.Tomorrow,therewasapartyfortheirfriendGina’srecentbirthdayandafterwards,themansion’sscreeningroomwouldbedeployedforthepremiereofHunter
RoisinwasgettingaliftupwiththeirfriendsGinaandMeredith;JoewasheadingtherealreadywithDev(whatwithwritersandex-reality-TVstarskeepingmuchmoreloosey-gooseyschedulesthansecondaryschoolteachers).TheirmateMattwasarrivingviaairporttransfer,aftersomekindofwinetourinLisbonwithhislatestwoman,becauseofcoursehewas.
Roisinrolledherwheeledsuitcasedownthecorridorandoutthroughtheentrance-exitandintotheschoolcarpark.Itwasteemingwithdepartingkids,shouting,kickingballs,anticipatingtwodaysoffreedombeforethelastweekoftheschoolyear.
Gina’sclassicVWcampervan,inorange-and-whitecolourway,waseasytospot,andindeedhadbeenspottedbycuriouspupils.
‘Ahoythere!Yourunobtrusivecarriageawaits.ThrowthatanywhereinEthel.’Meredithgesturedattheslid-opendoorandRoisin’scase.Thevan,whichGinahadwoninarafflelastyear,hadbeenchristenedEthelredtheUnready.Giventherunningcosts,thecompetitionorganisershadacheekcallingitaprizeratherthananadoption.
‘Thoughifyoudon’twedgeitinproperlyandGinatakesacornertoohard,itwillbethelastthingtogothroughyourmind.Youalrightwithmeinthefront,doingthenavigating?’
‘DamnrightIam,’Roisinsaid,manhandlingherbelongingsintoashapewhereshewasavailabletoleanoverandhugMeredith.
ShewasinaveryMeredithoutfitofgoldBirkenstocks,jeanswithrollups,at-shirtsayingALEXAPLAYCHER,andaraggyheadscarftiedinherfusillipasta-shapedwildmopofblondecurlyhair.Alookshecalled‘GayBodenmumgoestoLatitudefestival’.(Shereferredtoherselfasan‘out-of-worklesbian’,duetoanextendedperiodofbeingsingle.)
‘Actually,I’mgoingtostretchmylegs,’Ginasaid,appearingroundthesideofEthel.‘Hi,Rosh.We’vegottinsofPornstarMartiniintheSaino’sbagunderyourseat,digin.Iamnotdigginginyet,obviously.’
Gina,bothbosomyandslight,wasinaflutteryspring-summeryellowdressandblushballetslippers.Hershoulder-lengthbrownhairwastiedupinapracticalscrunchie.Thisonesmallconcessionaside,shelookedabsolutelynothinglikesomeoneabouttoconfidentlymanhandleatinbinwithasteeringwheelthesizeofabicycletyreforaneighty-miledistance.Yettherewasnosaferormoreballsydriver.
‘Miss!MISS!MISSWALTERS?’
TheyalllookedovertoseeAmirandPauly,waving.
Amirshouted,‘GETONEOFTHEMMASSAGESWITHOIL!’3
‘Thisplace,’Meredithsaid,astheybegantheirapproach.‘Twelvegrandfortheweekend,’shemouthed,withanexpressionoffaux-scandal.
‘Areyoukidding?!’Roisinsaid,pullingthetinofmetallic-tasting,foamyPornstarfromherlipsandgrimacingalittle.Itwaslikepineapple-flavouredphlegm.
AstheyhitaloopinthewindingpathamongthetreesthatofferedaclearviewofBenbarrowHall,Roisinactuallygasped.
She’dbeenreadyingherselfforgrandeuryetstillfeltlikeaJaneAustenheroine,intimidatedbytheestateofhersuitor.Itseemedasiftheapproachshouldbesoundtrackedbytheclip-clopofhoovesandnotthecomplainingrumbleoftheVWvan’sengineandPaulSimon’sGraceland
BenbarrowHallsatonahill,astorybookmansionmadeofslate-greyGothicturretsandsand-colouredstone.Thelateafternoonsummerlightmadeitsgiantarchedwindowsglistencinematically.
‘Fuckmyboots!’Meredithsaidreverently.‘It’samonster.’
‘It’slikeamurdermysteryplace,’Ginasaid,easingofftheacceleratorandlettingEthelslidetoanearhaltsotheycouldadmireitfully.‘Likeyou’dfindColonelMustardinthestudy,withtheleadpiping.’
Acontemplativemomentpassed.
‘Makesyouthink,’Meredithsaid.
‘Makesmethinkit’dbeworththerisk,’Ginasaid.‘Imaginethesizeoftheen-suites.’Sherattledthegearstick.‘Comeon,bereasonable,Ethel.Relationshipsaregiveandtake.’
Theylurchedbackintomotion.
‘IfeelproperlydirtyforlettingDevspendthismuch,’Roisinsaid.‘AreweOKtoonlycontributeagroceriesdelivery?Isthisimmoral?’
‘Oh,DevisasDevdoes.AndDevdoesalot,’Meredithsaid,turningbacktotheroad.‘Seriouslythough.YouknowthatyounomoredeterDevfromatremendousplanthanyoubringa747outoftheskybyshakingyourfistatit.’
Thiswastrue.Theysurveyedrollinggreenslopesdowntothelake,thesurroundingsreflectedinthestillmirrorofthewater,andcollectivelycontinuedsighing.
ThevangrumbledtoastopinaspacenexttoDev’sshinyblue4×4.AfterhewonseventythousandpoundsfromFlatmates,hesetupamediaconsultancyandnowemployedtwentypeople.
Thewomeninthegroupstillearnedentirelynormalsalaries:MeredithworkedforHMRC;GinadidexternalcommsforManchesterUniversity.(They’dboughttogetherinUrmston,aplanbyMeredithtogetthembothonthepropertyladderearly.)WhereasDevandJoewerenowloaded,andMatt,well,hewasinsalesforawinemerchant,sowhoknew.ButgoodlivingwaslikebreathingtoMatt,ashewasfromafearsomelywell-offfamily.Roisinhopedthisincreasingdisparityinwealthwasn’twhatwouldendupdividingthemall.
Goingononeobscenelyspendytrip,basedonthreespecialoccasions,wasonething.Itcouldn’tsetaprecedent.
‘Whichdoordoyouchoose?!’Meredithsaid,astheydraggedtheirluggagetowardsthebuilding.‘I’dnotwanttobeaParcelforcedriverlookingfortheirsafespace,wouldyou?’
Roisinturnedherfaceintothewarmbreezeandbreathedinmorecountrysidethansheusuallyexperienced.SheleftittoJoetohaveartisticflightsoffancy,yetshesensedbeingonthevergeofevents.Herguttoldherthingswereabouttohappen.Perhapsthatwasthemagicofanyholiday;itliftedyououtofthefamiliarandgaveyouabriefaerialviewofyourlifeinprogress.Itmadeyouconfrontyourworld’ssmallnessinavastnessofopportunity.
TheyoptedtofumbletheirwayinthebackofBenbarrowHallthroughagroupofouthouses,scentedwiththatunmistakeablefarmyardhonk,andtheintriguingrustlingnoisesofnon-humanlife.Thewheelsoftheircasesonroughgroundsoundedlikeananglegrinder.
Theytriedthewrought-ironcurlyhandleonadoorthatledintoacavernous,brick-shelvedpantryandthenthroughtoastunningkitchen.Itwasamixofvastbrushed-steelmodernappliances,ArtDecopendantlights,creamAgarangeandoldflagstonefloor.
Roisinwasabitnauseousathowmuchshelovedit.Herkitchenwasgreat,andnowherkitchenwasshite.
‘Hello!’Meredithcalled.‘Thestrippersarehere!’
Joeappearedinadoorway,holdingabottleofCamdenHellslager.
‘Oh,bloodyhell,there’sbeenamixup!Iaskedforstackedslags,notknackeredhags!’
Ginahootedindelight.Meredithbarked,‘Badtwat!’andRoisinsaid,‘Pffffft.’Hethrewhisarmsaroundalloftheminturn,Roisinlast.
Joelookedgood,Roisinthought,asshewatchedhimsquashhisface,eyessqueezedclosedinaffection,intoGina’sslendershoulder.
He’dacquiredthatsubtleyetundeniableburnishofahigh-flyer.Hiswriter’spallorhadbeencontouredbyCaliforniansunshineandhewassharper-jawedandleaner-bodiedduetosessionsatWatersideLeisureClubwithanunfeasiblyhandsomeGhanaianpersonaltrainercalledEric.HeneededtopleaseHandsomeEricasdesperatelyasifHandsomeEricwasanemotionallyinconsistentfather.
AndthemanwhoonceworethesamePixiest-shirtfordaysatatimewasnowcladinunderstated,well-tailorednavyandgreythingsinsoft,thinfabrics,whicharrivedinmatteboxeswithlogos.
JoeslunganarmaroundRoisinandabsentlykissedheronthehead,withoutmakingeyecontactorfocusingonherinanyway.GinaandMeredithgotblastsofwarmth;Roisinwasfurniture.
Sheaskedherself,onceagain,ifthelastsixmonthswasarockypatchoraterminaldecline.Sixmonths?Eightmonths.Alright,beinghonest–ayear.
‘Fairwarning,Devisatlevelsevenoreightalready,outofapossibleten,’Joesaid.‘It’sincreasinglyhardtotellifwhatwecallhis“bubblymoods”areinfactsomesortofmanicupswing.ThankGodhe’sofftheboozeandchisel.’
Suede’s‘Trash’wasblaringfromadistantzoneastheyrolledandheftedtheirluggageintoanincrediblevaultedhallway.Itwasdecoratedwithbustsofstatuesonplinths,andahugestonevase,thesizeofasmallchild,heldanexplosiveflowerdisplayofwhitelilies,lime-greenhydrangeas,gladioliandsnapdragons:thesortyougotinhotellobbies.Theygazedupthecarvedwoodenbalustradesofthebroadstairway,litbyastained-glasswindow.
‘Thosearestairsyoudescenddownfordinner,’Ginasaid,astheyalloohedandaahed.
‘Andyoucan.Dinneratsevenp.m.Withcanapesinthedrawingroomfirst,’Joesaid,usheringthemonwards.Thedealwas,themencookedtonight,thewomentomorrow.Itwasrathercheesytosplittheteamsthisway,butnoonecouldthinkofadifferentrationale.
TheyfoundDevandAnitaonstoolsatthebar.Theroomwasdoneoutwithacrystalchandelier,noisyflockwallpaperandaneonsignonthewallthatreadIT’SMIDDAYSOMEWHERE.Italsohadamusicsystem,evidently.
Devjumpeddownatsightofthem.‘GIRLS!Haveyouseen!We’vegotfuckin’HENS!’heshouted,doingfistpullsintimewithcrotchthruststothesong,facialexpressionsetinanunderbite.
‘Areyouplanningonhavingsexwiththem?’Roisinsaid.
Devcontinuedhisgyrations,shouting,‘ALSODUCKS!’whiledoingaperturbingass-slappingmime.
Hisfiancée,Anita,abandonedwhatlookedlikeafishbowlG&Twithjuniperberriesandlocatedthestereo,reducingSuedetoalevelwheretheycouldcommunicate.
‘WHADDYATHINK?’Devsaid,inthenewquiet,throwinghisarmswide.‘SomeBruceWaynewildshit,no?!’
‘Awful,dismal,shabby,’Meredithsaid.‘Verythreadbare,isn’tit?’
‘Askforyourmoneyback,’Ginaagreed.‘Sodark!NeedssomeofthoseVeluxskylightsputtingin.’
‘Honestly,Dev,’Roisinsaid,freetobesincerenowtheBritishpartwascovered,‘outofthisworldWedon’tdeserveyou,orthis.’
‘NooneelseI’dratherhavehere.’Hebeamed,gatheringthemallatonceinlargearms.Anitajoinedin.
‘WaituntilyouseehowmanydressesI’vebrought,’shesaid,voicemuffled
‘Wepracticallyneededatrailer,’Devsaid.
ThevoluptuousAnitawasamake-upartist–speciality,shadesforAsianskintones–withahugeInstagramfollowing;sheandDevhadmetexchangingDMs.
ThegrouplovedAnita,havinggotofftoashakystartwhensheturneduppost-fameandpre-rehab.ItwasaperiodwhentheywereatmaximumsuspicionofNewDevPalsandactivelytryingtoridhimofdruggyparasites.Beingamanwhomadefriendswithsucheaseandopennesswasterribleforanaddictwitharecognisableface.
Thus,Dev’soldguardwereinitiallynearcertainshewasdatingtheinfamousDevDoshiforwhatthekidscalledclout.Infact,shewassolidgoldandgoodforhim–someoneasebullientasDev,withoutthehyperactiveedge.She’dstuckbyhimgettingcleanandkepthimoutofplaceswherehemightmeetunhelpfulinfluences.
TheywerelivinginrenteddigswhiletheyhadthefamilyhouseoftheirdreamsbuiltinAlderleyEdge.
WhenDevsaidhe’dproposedafewmonthsback,theywereabletoofferafull-throatedandwholeheartedHOORAH.
‘Ohmylife!Andfinally,it’sthegentlemanconartist,MrStaffWiFi!’Joesaid,havingliftedaswagofdrapetopeeroutofthewindow.4
‘StaffWiFi’wasoneofJoe’smorerecentnicknamesforMatt.WhenevertheywereinavenuewithcrapcoverageonpublicWiFi,Mattwouldbemerrilymessagingaway.Whenaskedhowcomeitwaspossible,hewouldshrugoh,IgotthepasswordforstaffWiFi,doingahandflapinthedirectionoffrontofhouse.
Therewasabsolutelynoreasonwhyacustomerwhowantedthestaffpasswordshouldgetit,otherthanthefactthecustomerlookedlikeacowboyasimaginedbyCosmopolitan
TheyclusteredaroundthewindowtoseeMattstridingupthehilltowardstheminaCrombiecoat,largebootswithyellowlaces(halfunlaced),acanvasdufflebagslungoverhisshoulder.He’dhavealookofamanoutoftime,who’dclamberedthroughatornriftinspace,apartfromthefacthehadapairofheadphonesclampedroundhisears.
‘Why’sheonfoot?’Meredithsaid.
‘Lookatthisabsoluteplum,’Joechortled.‘Likehe’sauditioningforthenextDoctorWho.’
‘Hewasgettinganairporttaxi.He’sbeeninPortugalwith…’Roisin,invain,ransackedhermindforthename.‘Cassie?’Sheheldherhandsoutinhopefulprayer,teethgritted.
‘Hah,CassieisLONGgone,’Meredithsnorted.‘You’resoApril-May.’Shetutted.‘Thiswas…doesitbeginwithanL…’
Thetroublewastheydidn’tfileMatt’sglamorousgirlpalsbynamessomuchassalientdetailforthepost-factanalysis.
TheywerelikeFriendsepisodetitles.TheOneWhoseGrandadInventedStripedToothpaste.TheOneWhoKeptAChinchillaCalledShamone.TheOneWhoNakedVideo-CalledHimAtThreeA.M
‘Ruby,’Ginasupplied,inacalmyetsmallervoice.
‘Ruby!Ofcourse,’Meredithsaid.‘The…hotyogaenthusiast.Ormaybethatwastheotherone.’
ConversationmovedabruptlytowhowasgoingtoletMattin.Therewasoftenthisshiftintone,inunspokendeferencetoGina’sfeelings.
Gina’sloveforMattwasaspowerfulandconstantasitwasunrequited.Thegroupsteppedarounditdelicatelywhilesimultaneouslynotacknowledgingitsexistence.Everysooften,they’dtrytopersuadeeachother,unconvincingly,thatitwaslongpast.
Therewasnothingtobedone.MattwasveryfondofGina.NomatterwhoGinagotinvolvedwith–andtherewasnoshortageofmenfallingatherBarbie-sizedfeet–theycouldtellshestillyearnedfruitlesslyforhimthroughout.
It’stoxichope,isn’tit?Meredithhadsaid.Whoknewtherewassuchathing.
HiscarouselofmeaninglessflingswaslikeartilleryfiretoGina’sheart.Yetequally,theydreadedthedaywhenMattmetTheOne,asitwouldhurtevenworse.
DevdartedofftointerceptMatt.Afteraminute,hepresentedasimilarlyawestruckguest.
‘Thisisabitofalright,eh?!Dev,you’veoutdoneyourself.Hello,everyone.’
‘Theensembleiscomplete!It’slikePeter’sFriendsbutwithevenworsepeople,’Joesaid.‘Wait,whatisgoingonwithyourface?’
Atcloserrange,itseemedMatt,sharphaircutandotherwisecleanshaven,wassportingathinpencilmoustache.Mattputhisfingerstohistoplip.
‘Isitbad?Rubytoldmeitlookedgood.’
‘Rubyisclearlyworkingforyourenemies,sorrytosay,’Joesaid.
‘Whyhaveyouwalkedhere?’Ginaasked.
‘Iaskedthetaxidrivertodropmeoffwhenwegotcloser.Lookedtoonicetodrivethrough.Iwantedtotakeitallin.’
‘Whatagoodidea.ImighthavethoughtofitifIwasn’tsolazy,’Meredithsaid.
‘Wedidstopthecarbriefly,whichiskindofthesame.’Roisinsaid.‘Lisbongood?’
‘Lovely.Sunny.Thoughthehotelgymwasbelowpar.Hadtoqueuefortherowingmachine.Itwasquitedehumanising.’
‘Whogoestothegymonholiday?’Roisinsaid.
‘Nowyouknow,’Joesaid.
‘GivenMatt’shere–atoast!’Devsaid.
Anitahadclearlybeenprimedforthismoment,alreadybehindthebarandeasingacorkfromabottleofchampagne,sloppingitintoarowofglasses.Devhadacloudykombucha.
‘ToTHEBRIANCLUB!’Devdeclared,oncetheywerehandedout.Theyknockedflutesandechoedhim,saying,thebrianclub!whilelaughing,andinasplitsecond,Roisinunderstoodwhatthisweekendwasreallyabout.
She’dbeensobusyassessingherandJoe’sdrift,shehadn’tspottedthegrouppossiblybecominglooserattheseams,too.5
TheBrianClubtitlehadn’tbeenusedinalongwhile,thoughitremainedthenameoftheirWhatsAppgroup.
Itwasbasedonanotoriousincidentadecadeago,notlongaftertheyallmet,whileworkingatWaterstonesDeansgate.Brianwasacolossalarseholewhousedtobusybodyaroundtheshopmostdays,beingobnoxiouslydifficultandmakingspeciouscomplaints.
Oneday,afterafightwithmanagerDevoveramysteriouslybespoiledtomeaboutacricketinglegend,BriandraggedoneoftheshopstepladdersintothemiddleoftheBiography&TrueStoriessection.Uponclamberingaloft,Brianpointed–InvasionoftheBodysnatchersstyle,withstaringeyesandcontortedexpression–atDev.
‘TWAT!’heshrieked,inthetoneusuallyreservedfor‘fire!’,bringingmanycustomerstoadeadsilenthalt.
Then,Brian’seyesalightedonRoisinnearby.‘ANOTHERTWAT!’
‘Twat,twat,twat,’henarrated,jabbingfingersinturnatastartledMeredith,GinaandMatt,whohadrushedintoseewhatthecommotionwasabout.
ASaturdaypart-timercalledLiahadalsowanderedintoviewandBrian’sgimletgazefelluponhernext.
‘You’realright,’heconceded,toeveryone’ssurprise.
ThenBrianreeledtheatricallyatthesightofJoe,whowasenteringstageleftwithastackofhardbacksaboutEdmundHillary.
Briandrewbreath,extendedatremblingforefingerandsaid,‘…ACUNT!’
RoisinhadwonderedwhyDevdidn’tinvitemorepeopletoBenbarrowHall–theycertainlyhadthespace–andnowsheknewitwastodefinewhobelonged.Hewasabenevolentpatriarch,bringingthewaywardsonsanddaughterstogether,notlettingthemforgetabouttheimportanceoffamilyties.
‘Youknow,I’monthefenceaboutthemoustache,’Roisinsaid,lookingatMattappraisingly,afterhalfafluteofMo?t.‘It’sstrangelycompelling.YoulookliketheRAFrotterinonetatteredphotofoundhiddeninabureaudrawerduringahouseclearance,whoturnsoutinafamilyscandaltobetherealgrandfather.’
‘Yes!RAFRotterSexGrandpawasthelookIwasgoingfor!Thanks,Rosh,’Mattsaid.
Joerolledhiseyes.
‘SeeingRubyagain,then?’Ginaasked,andeveryone’sshoulderstensed.
‘Thereinliesanincrediblestory.“Ruby”basicallycatfishedme!Butitwasareversecatfish.’
‘What’sareversecatfish?’
‘Acatfishiswhensomeone’shidingbehindadifferentidentitytotheiractualone,right?Andtheiractualonetendstobeanastyshock?Inthiscase…’
‘Youknowwhat,let’ssavethisforlater?’Joesaid,interruptingMatt.‘Gotthefeelofsomethingweneedasweet,floraldessertwinefor.’
Mattshruggedandsaidsure,andthesubjectchanged.Roisinfeltapangatthemannerlessnessofit,whileunderstandingJoewaswhite-knightingGina.ShemadeamentalnotetoapologisetoMattandaddressitwithJoe.JoeandMatthadalwayshadaslightfrictionbetweenthem,butRoisinworriedithadlatelybloomedintoafull-blownantipathyonJoe’sside.Mattwasblissfullyunaware,asMatt’slifegenerallywasalotofblissandunawareness.
Amonthago,she’dtickedJoeoffforsnipingandprovokedarant.
‘WhatirksmeaboutMattMcKenzieisthatifhewasawoman,you’dhatehim.WhereasImerelyfindhimannoyingandoccasionally…’Joepausedtochoosehiswordwiththeconsiderationofaword-choosinggourmet,‘…dispiriting.Butifhewasfemale?MyGod.You’djudgehimsohardandhavegotridyearsago.Sodon’tjudgeme.’
‘Why?!Becausehedateslotsofpeople?Devgetsonwithhim!’
‘Devwonarealityshowbecausehegetsonwithanyone.Dateslotsofpeopleisadecorouswayofputtingit,likehe’sMichaelCaineintheSixties.Don’tforgetIknowmorethanyou,thankstolads’talk.’
Roisinshrugged,aconcessionthatthismuchwastrue.
‘Hetradesrelentlesslyonhislooksandhiswholeconcocted…’Joewavedhishands.‘…light-heartedCasanovapersonaButheplayswithwomenlikethey’recatniptoys.Hebatsthemaround,untilthataddictivescentofthenewisgone.Ican’timagineit’sveryniceforthemandit’shorribleforGina.’
‘Mattcan’thelphowGinafeels.Orhowhedoesn’tfeel.’
‘Mmmm,maybenot.Ithinkhecan’tbewithherbecauseit’dhavetomeansomething,andhecan’triskthat.Myguessishe’llruinboththeirlivesbyonlyrealisingtheyshouldbetogetherwhenit’sfartoolate.WhichisveryMatt.’
‘Ifhe’ssoawful,whywouldhebeanygoodforGina?’
‘Hewouldn’t.ButGina,Iamsorrytosay,isnevergoingtobetrulyhappywithanyoneelse.Sometimesthatjusthappenstoaperson.Theycan’tmoveon.’
Roisinthoughtthiswasatrifledramatic.Typicalwriter.
‘Markmywords,’Joesaid.‘He’llrealiseshe’shisforeverlovewhenheturnsuponherdoorstep,cryingoverthethreekidshe’slostaccessto–nowwithaddeddrinkproblem,amortgagelosttotheCryptocrashandaheadfullofRogaine.Andshe’llblowuphergood-enoughmarriagetotakehimin.’
RoisinhadasecretsuspicionaboutwhatreallywoundJoeupaboutMatt,whichshewasn’tfoolhardyenoughtotellJoe.
Joe’sself-image,ifnotmuchofhiscareer,wasbasedonhisskillatabarbedobservationandsparklingone-liner.Whisperit,Mattcoulddothose,too.Hejustdidn’tmakeadealofit.HecasuallychuckedawayforfreewhatJoecherishedashiscurrency.
Joesensedcompetition,butworsethanthat,competitionfromsomeonewhowasn’tbotheringtocompetewithhim.
WhenJoehadfinishedhisspeechaboutMatt’scriminality,heopenedhisphoneandtappedthingshe’dsaidintohisNotesapp.AmovewithwhichRoisinhadgrownwearilyfamiliar.6
‘WasitreallynecessarytocutMattshortlikethat,whenhewasmerelyansweringaquestion?’Roisinhissed,attheprecisemomentsherememberedtoraiseit.
Roisinhadexitedthebathroominatowel,onesmokyeyemadeup,kohlpencilinhand,theothereyeslightlypinkfromthehotshower.
Joewassittingshoeless,smart-trouseredandcross-leggedatopthequiltintheirfourposter.TheirroomwassoroyallylavishthatRoisinfeltawedandyetborderlinesickened,likeithadraisedhercholesterol.Wasthiswheretheconceptofsomethingmakingyouweakatthekneescamefrom?
They’dopenedtheheavywoodendoortothesightofagiantpottedfern,ArtNouveau-tiledperiodfireplace,andacanopiedbed,thesortwomendiedinafterchildbirth.Darkredwalls,likeabloodclot.Itcould’vebeengloomybutthesky-highceilingpreventeditfrombecomingoverbearing.Therewasafree-standing,roll-topscarletbathinthemarblebathroom,alongwithawalk-inshower.
Joe,whohadbeenfrowningintentlyintohissilverMacBookAir,nowlookedupwithanonplussedexpression.
‘Youwhat?’
ShewassureJoeknewexactlywhatshewasreferringto.Itsuitedhimtofeignconfusion,tomakeitseemasifRoisinwasforensicallyobsessive–slash–amassivenag.
‘WhenGinaaskedMattabouthisLisbongirlfriend.Weneedadrinkforthat,Matt,hushnow?IknowweallwanttoprotectGina,buthe’snotdoinganythingwrong,either.’
‘Oh–hewasclearlyabouttodosomeunseemlybraggingaboutsexualathleticsthatGinadidn’tneedtohear.’
‘Hebarelybegan–youdidn’tknowwhathewasgoingtosay.He’sneverexactlycrudeorgraphic,either.’
‘Ach,comeon,youknowMatt.Anyopportunitytoshowoff.Everything’sahorsetohisLadyGodiva.And“TheReverseCatfish”soundedsufficientlyominoustome.’
‘Well,Ginaaskedhimhowitwent.Shemayhaveacrush,butshe’snotachild.’
‘NorisMatt.YethereIam,beingtoldoffforbeinglessthanmildlysnippytohim.’
Joemadeapalms-upwhodathunkgestureandsmiled,todefuseit.Roisinmadeadiplomaticheadtiltinreturn.Shedroppedhervoiceevenlower.
‘Look.IfeelthepressurethatDevhasmadeahugegesture.Hedoesn’twantussquabblingandruiningit.Thishastobeasuccess,forhissake.’
Oratleastseemlikeone,shethought.
‘Iagree,nosquabbling,’Joesaid.‘Like…say…this.’
Roisinhadbeenoutmanoeuvred.
Hemovedhiseyesbacktohisscreen.
‘Justtrynaconcentrateontransatlanticpublicityscheduleshere.Ifthat’sOK,darling.’
RoisinwasaccustomedtothisgentlypatronisingtonewhenJoeremindedherhehadVIPbusinesstoattendto.Ithadstartedoutasironic,andwasnownotparticularly,ifatall,ironic.7
RoisinrememberedwhensheusedtopayforJoe’strainticketstoLondonandforclothesthatweren’tfadedbandtees.Shedidn’tmind,andtodayJoecouldrightlysayherinvestmenthadbeenrepaidtothetuneofmany,manythousands.Theapartmentwasinboththeirnames.
Shewasn’tselfishlynostalgicforJoebeingdependentonher,shewassureofthat.Shejustwishedithadn’tledhere
Once,Joe’scareerhadfeltlikewhollysharedexcitement;shehadtheseatnexttohimonthefairgroundride.SEENstartedoutamoon-shot,anoutlinewrittenincoffeeshops,itsplottwiststestedonRoisinasthefirstaudience.
So,wait:HEturnsouttobethemaninthevideodoorbellfootage,too?Wow,no,Iwouldn’tseethatcoming.That’sreallyclever,Joe.
ThenitbecameapilotscriptinFinalDraftsoftware–Roisinhadenjoyedreadingtheleadfemalecharacter’sdialoguealoudforhim.Shefeltrobbedwhenahair-tossingactressgottosay,palmsdownondesk:‘Harry.I’dbetmylifewe’redealingwithidenticaltwins.Andifthisplaywe’remakingdoesn’tcomeoff,IHAVEbetmylife!’
Thingis,Roisinhadn’tonlybeenunpreparedforitsimpact,she’dbeencomplacent.ThegreatthingaboutJoebeingthewriterandnotanactor,she’dblatheredtothegroup,ishecangetcreativefulfilmentandnohassledownBurtonRoad.
WhenSEENbecamesignedcontracts,theyboughtfishandchipsanda￡10bottleofcavaandhadapicnicdateintheparktogether.Itfeltlikeastatement,insteadofgoingtoafancyrestaurant.It’sgoingtobeStillUs,thewaywealwayswere,PlusThis.
Joe’sdiaryusedtobe:getup,drinkblackcoffee,preferablywash,write,sticksomethingintheoven,morewriting.Rinseandrepeat.Nowitbecamecomplicatedandablazewithfuss.Roisinlearnedthelingoofcoprosandturnaroundandpunches
Afteradayofhigh-poweredbreakfastandlunchmeetingsinthecapital,Joewouldgetoffthetrainmid-eveningatManchesterPiccadilly,andRoisinwouldmeethimfordinnerout.
He’dtalktoofast,andthey’ddrinktoofast,andshegloriedineverylastdetailofthelatestdevelopments.Shewassopleasedforhimandalwaysthought,girlfriendbiasaside,hehadthetalenttomakeit.
ThentheworkcamesothickandfastitoftenmadesensetostayinLondonovernight,andHollywoodcalled,andhewasflyingbackandforthtoLosAngeles.
AproductioncompanyinNewYorkboughttherightstoanotherofhisideas.Atsomepoint,Roisinacceptedgetpastthisweekandthingswillcalmdownabitwasacopingmechanismlieofadulthood.
JoebeingawayneverbotheredRoisin.Sheenjoyedherowncompany,likedhearingabouthisadventures.
Yetsomehow,atsomepoint,hecticandmentallyoccupiedbecamecoldanddetached.
RoisinlearnednottomessageJoewhenhewasaway,becausesherarelygotmuchback.Hemustbetheonlyman,shethought,todeploytheheartreactemojitoWhatsAppsasadismissal.
How’ditgowithFoxSearchlight?Heart.Didthehirecargetreplaced?Heart.OhmyGod,thatgingermoggyisbacksoilingourgarden!Pooingwithhistailvibrating,makingunnervingeyecontact!Heart.Youheartdefecatingcats,OK.
She’dnotraisedit.Whensomeonecomesthroughthedoorafterfivedaysawaybearingaduty-freeToblerone,youdon’twanttogreetthemwithwhining.
AthoughtcametoRoisin,andonceshe’dhadthethoughtshecouldn’tun-haveit:theprolongedabsencesweredoublingaspracticeforbreakingup.Eachtimehereturned,hewasadegreemoredistantthanthelasttime.
Lifehadfundamentallychanged,ormaybemoreaccuratelyandpainfully,Joehadchanged.Cansuccessreallychangeaperson,though,shewondered?Maybeitonlybringselementsthatwerealwaystheretothefore?
Thehumourthatoncebondedthemfeltlikesparring,underscoredbyresentment.Likeanarm-wrestlingboutthathadtohaveawinner.
Planswiththeirfriendswereanobligation,ifnotanirritation–Joealwayshadsomethingslightingtosay.
God,thatplaceagain?We’vebecomebourgeoise.Soonwe’llhaveBlessThisMessdecalstickersonourwheeliebins.
ShehalfwonderedifhatingonMattwasawayofcarvingoutaconvenientexitfromtheBrianClub.Sorry,notifhe’sthere–Ican’tstandhim.
Sexhaddwindled,andwhenitoccurred,hadtheunmistakeablesenseofreachingadeadline:…bestdoitorit’llbecomeathingwehaven’tdoneit.
Whentheyfirstmet,thesparkbetweenthemwasobvious.Joehadimmediatelymentionedhehadalong-distancegirlfriend,Bea,backinhishomecity,York.
NothinghadhappenedbetweenJoeandRoisin–norwouldithave,ifthegirlfriendhadremained;Roisinwasn’tintofoulplay–butshe’dcatchJoelookingather,acrosstables,atthehourofthenightwhenbloodalcohollevelswerehighandthelightswerelow.
OneFridayafternoon,JoehadfoundRoisinaloneinacorneroftheshop,stickeringSignedByTheAuthorcopiesofTerryPratchett.
‘Iwantyoutoknow.I’mendingitwithBea.’
‘OK,’Roisinsaid.
‘WhenI’vedonethat,I’mgoingtoaskyouout.’
‘OK,’Roisinsaid,andtriednottoflushsunsetred.
Hewalkedaway.Woah.QuietlyspokenJoe,withaloveofthegraphicnovelsofAlanMooreandawinningresemblancetoyoungJohnCusack,hadastreakofrealconfidence.Itwasundeniably,hugelyattractive.
Thosewerethedaystheyhungoneachother’severyword.Thetimestheydidnothingbuttalk:adayofftogether,walkingroundparks,browsingrecordshops,spinningpintsofrealaleoutinoldboy’spubs.Everythingwasinterestingiftheyweretogether.Oh,tobethatyoungagain,wheneverythingfeltnew.
Asthefirst–anditturnedout,only–coupleofthegroup,theybecametheonestohaveeveryonebacktotheirflatwhentheywerealltoopre-paydayskinttogoout:Joeonthemusicandsnacks,Roisinonlightingcandlesandmixingdrinks.Theywerefoundationlayingandempirebuilding,asateam.
HadsomeoneelsenowbeenmadeasimilarpromisetotheoneshegotmadeoverDiscworld?Roisinhadgonebackandforthoveritandconcluded:
1.TheiroriginsstoryshowedJoecouldberuthlesslydecisive,andayearofnearintimacy-freepurgatorywasn’tthat,and2.Hewastalkingabouttheirgettingadog.
Nearlyadecadeon,itwasasiftheirlovewasaneglected,autumnleaf-strewnswimmingpool.Ittechnicallystillexisted,yetJoehaddrainedthewaterout,inchbyinch.Ifyoujumpedintoit,therewasnothingthere.You’dbreakyourankles.
Roisinhadstartedseeingacounsellor,withouttellingJoe.
Doyouthinkhe’sbeingunfaithful?
Hah,no.He’dcertainlyhaveahugeschedulingheadacheifhewas.
Cantherelationshipbefixed?
Idon’tknow.
Doyouwanttofixit?
Idon’tknow.Ithinkso.Iwanttobehowwewere.ButIdon’tknowifthat’sgoneforgood.
Roisinkepttellingherself,getthisorthatouttheway.GetthroughDev’sDowntonAbbeydo,getHuntersafelylaunchedintotheworld–andnurseJoethroughanybadreviews.Afterwards,there’dbetimeforastateofthenation.
Frankly,shesuspectedJoewouldaskforoneeventually,anddignitydemandedshewentfirst.
Itmadesensetowait,yetRoisinknewapointlessdelayingtacticwhensheinventedone.ItwasthepersonallifeequivalentofAmirqueryingwhetherFiftyShadeswasgreatliteratureofthefuture.
Fakingitneverreallyworked.
‘AREYOUDECENT???!’Devroaredontheothersideofthedoor.
Joe,typing,wassostartledhealmostsentanunfinishedemail,cursingDevunderhisbreath.
‘Decent!’Roisinsaid,flingingthedooropen,strikingaposeinherblackdress.
‘Bloodyhell,Sheen.IfIwasn’tengagedandyourboyfriendwasn’tafriend,andalsojustoverthere,nearabrassfirepoker.’
‘Haha!Thankyou.’
‘MeredithandGeearealreadyonitdownstairs,gojointhem.Anita’stakingforever,asper.Joe,we’reup.You’reinacrucialrole–you’remyheadofthebutterchickendept,’Devsaid.‘I’monparathasandraitas.GotMattmanningthebhajisstation,withasidelineinlassis.Mangolassis.’
‘I’dnotletMattnearthelassies’mangoes,’Joesaid.
Roisinsnorted,despiteherself,andDevdisappearedoff,cackling.RoisincouldtellJoeresentedtheinterruption.
Joedoesn’tenjoyanythinganymore,Roisinthought.Hedidn’tenjoyher.Enjoyingwashappeningelsewhere.
‘DoIlookOK?’sheasked,smoothingthedressoverherhipsandholdingherstomachin.
Joeglancedupfromhisscreen.‘Sure.’
‘Sure.Andyouawriter.’
‘It–looks–really–nice–you–always–look–really–nice,’Joesaid,deliberatelymechanically.‘Thatdo?’
No,ofcoursenot,Roisinthought,butdidn’tsayit.Sheneededafightrightbeforethisdinnerlikeaholeinthehead.Onethingsheknewforsure:there’dbenoshowdownonthesepremises.
‘Comingdown?’
‘Justgonnafinishthismail.Goonahead.’
Areyoustillinlovewithhim?
What’sthetestforthat?8
Roisindescendedthebroadstaircasecarefully,placinghergoldT-barheelswithpurpose.Tellingkidsoffforrunningandtrippingincorridorsbroughtwithitresponsibility.Nowaywasshereturningforthelastweekbeforethesummerholidayinanauthority-diminishingorthopaedicfractureboot.
ShecaughtthedistantvoiceofTaylorSwiftsinging‘ChampagneProblems’.Itwassoapposite;brieflyaloneandlonelyinhereveningfinery,itwasmomentarilyasifshewasstarringinaBazLuhrmannfilm.
Roisinhesitatedonthebottomstep,tryingtopressrecordonhermemories,totakeintheotherworldlyatmosphereofblank-eyedstatues,dustyfloorsandsoaringhighspace,thechalkysweetsmellofthelilies.
Ithadbecomeaclichétosayyourfriendswereyouradoptedfamily,whereyoufeltrealbelonging–itwasnolesstrueforRoisinforbeinghackneyed.She’dnevermetpeoplewhohadstucktoherlikethis,whomadeherpartofagang
Thefactthattheymightnotchooseeachothernow–itwashardtoseehowthey’devenencountereachothertodothechoosing–madeitmorespecial,andvital.Theycouldn’trecapturethecleanslatesofbeingintheirearlytwenties.Buttheycouldkeepholdofeachother.
Joeputlowervalueonit,shesupposed,becausehecould.Hehadlovely,happilymarried,supportiveparentswhomiddle-classgarden-pottered,visitedNationalTrustpropertiesandcalledhimasthecreditsrolledoneveryepisodeofSEEN.HestillhadacircleofschoolfriendsbackinYork,includinghisrideordiebestmate,Dom.
TheBrianClubwasmerelyanice-to-haveforhim;forRoisin,theywereeverything.Theywerethepoint.
Shefollowedthemusictothegrandsittingroom,whereMeredithandGinawerebothgigglingconspiratoriallybythefireplace,surroundedbyanimprobablenumberofflickeringcandles.
Themusicwascomingfromalozenge-shapedbluetoothspeakerthathadbeensomewhatdisrespectfullybalancedonthebrimofafireplacestatue’shat,asifitwasanoutsizedfeatherinitsband.
IftherewerecursesandghostsassociatedwithBenbarrowHall,theyweresurelygoingtogetthemupthewazoo.
Meredithwasinaparrot-orangesilktopandceruleanbluetrousers,whileGinawascladinasinuouscreamdressthatclungtoherout-in-outminiMarilynMonroefigure,withalargebowtiedathernarrowneck,hairpinnedup.
‘OhmyGod.YoubothlookextraordinaryIlooklikesomeone’spromdatein1996.’
Tonight,Roisinhadhauledoutanold‘poshevent’failsafe,whichwasflatteringandeasytowear,ifunexciting.Ithadafullskirtwhichendedmid-calf,thesortyougotonachild’sdolly.Ithadseemedcuteinhertwenties,butshefeareditwasabitgaucheinherthirties.Whenshe’dfrettedshehadnothingtowearforthistrip,Joehadencouragedhertogowildwithhiscreditcard.Generous,butitwasstillhiscreditcardandshedidn’tlikehowthatfelt.
‘Youlooklikethegirleveryonewantedtotaketoprom,’saidGina,withherusualsweetsincerityandmildawe.GinaalwaystreatedRoisinasifsheknewasecretpasscodeinlifethatGinadidn’t,asifshe’djailbrokenitsphone.Roisindidn’tunderstandwhy:asfarasshecouldsee,she’dneverdoneanythingtomeritit.
‘Noticeinthewholetimewe’veknowneachother,we’veneverneededtocheckifwe’llbewearingthesamething,’Meredithsaid,sloshingfizzfromanicebucketintoathirdglass.‘Don’tworry’–shereadRoisin’sconcernedlook–‘thisisfromthesupermarketdeliveryweordered.’
‘Andthesearepre-canapes–Mattsaysheadlibbedincasewewerehungry,’Ginasaid,withthecustomarynoteofadorationinhervoice.‘It’scubesofbrieonsourcreamPringles.Slag’scanapés.’Ginagesturedataplatebalancedonavelvetpouffe.
‘Studenthorsd’oeuvres,’Meredithsaid.
‘Whore-derves!’Ginasaid,andtheyhigh-fived.
‘I’msorryifyouthoughtIwouldn’t,butIinfactwill,’Roisinsaid,bendingdownandcarefullyconveyingoneintohermouthbetweenfingerandthumb.
‘Oh,we’vehadabouttenbetweenus,’Meredithsaid.
‘Hereyouare,andsomeactualcanapes,’Mattsaid,enteringtheroomcarryingatrayontheflatofhispalm,likeawaiter.
Hewasinawhiteshirtandstupid-handsome,darkbrownhairandgildedskin.LiketheplayboysonofanAmericantobaccomagnate.
Italwayslookedlikealotoffuntohavehisface.Roisinhadneverconsideredthataboutconspicuousbeautybefore,thatpeoplemightwanttohangarounditsimplytoseewhereitled.
Buthewaswithoutmoustache…?
‘Youhadsecondthoughts?’Roisinsaid,pointingtohertoplip.
‘Yeah.Ifevenitsfansthoughtitconveyedalookofirresponsibleinseminator…’
‘Itmightgivetoomuchaway?’Roisinfinishedforhim,grinning.
Mattsmiledback,atightsmile.‘I’llputtheseonthissidetable,’Mattsaid,crossingtheroom.‘Minionionbhajiswithamintandcorianderchutney.Surprisingly,causedlessangstthanthebutterchicken.’
‘Ah,Joe’sarea,’Roisinsaid,tappinghernose.
‘Nocomment.’
‘Also,thePringlesaregreat,’Roisinsaidindistinctly,throughhersecond.‘Excellentimprovisation.’
‘Gladyoulike.WaituntilyoutrymyWhiteRussiansmadewithWhiskasCatMilk.’
Roisinputherhandinfrontofherfullmouthasshelaughed.
‘Enjoy,’Mattsaid,headingbacktothekitchen.
Theydroppedtheminibhajisintotheirmouths,cuppingthemwiththetissueprovided.
‘Lookatus,ladylike,asifwe’venotjusttractoredthroughaloadofcrispslikewildcoyotes,’Roisinsaid.
‘Thisisthelife,eh,’Meredithsaid,crumplingthepapernapkinandgazingattheroom.‘Didweeverthink,doingourstockroomaudits,we’dbehereintenyears’time?’
‘Ididn’tthinkI’dbeheretenmonthsago,’Roisinsaid.
‘Ididn’tthinkI’deverbehere,’Ginasaid.
‘Technicallywe’renothere-here,Isuppose.It’sDev’sachievement,Dev’sfestival.It’sDevtonbury,’Meredithsaid.
‘Devload?’Roisinsaid.
‘Butwe’rehere,inthatwe’restilltogether,’Ginasaid,andRoisinrepliedwithanemphatic‘Yes!’asherstomachconstricted.
So,youdon’twanttofinishwithyourpartner,becauseyouthinkyou’dfinishthegroup?9
Shewasbeingridiculous.Itwasn’tthatfragile,wasit–theBrianClub,theoldgang?They’dsimplyreorganise,andthekeynotegatheringswouldbedividedupbetweenRoisinandJoelikedivorcedparentsnegotiatingaccess.Thisstuffhappenedallthetime.
Whatareyouafraidof?
Thecounsellorhadtogoanddropatomicbombquestionslikethat,didn’tshe.Surelythatwasn’tsecondsessionmaterial.Roisinwasashamedofherreply.ThatendingitwithJoewouldmakenosensetoanyoneelse.Andwhenit’sthatimpossibleforanyoneelsetounderstand,isn’titacluethatmaybeyou’redoingthewrongthing?
Whydootherpeople’sopinionsmatter?
‘Idon’tknow,’Roisinhadsaid,privatelythinking:isacreepingyetunfocusedconvictionyourrelationshipisahollowshamsufficientcausetoditchanentirefuturetimeline?Itmightturnoutthatyouwereinfactself-indulgentlypissedoffattherealitiesofbeingadecadeintocohabitationwithaworkaholic.Shecouldhearhermother’svoice.‘Thereareworseaddictions,darling.’
No,thatwasn’tit,either.Sheknewthecorrectanswertothatwas:‘Yes,itissufficient,becausewhatyou’redescribingislovelesspragmatism.’
Hereitwas:thethingthatkepthertrapped.Butsomehowbeingawayfromhomehadshakenthisrevelationloose.Roisinsimplydidn’tknowifJoeNowwasalsoJoeThen–ifonebecametheother,overwrotehimlikeoldvideocassette,oriftheformerversionwasstillthere,availabletoreturntoher,ifshewaspatient.Untilshe’dfigureditout,shecouldn’tmakeamove.
RoisincaughtMeredithlookingatherandquicklyrecoveredherfeaturesfromaworriedscowlintopleasure.
Devhaddecidedtoservetheirmealinthekitchen,inparttodistinguishitfromGina’sbirthdaycelebrationinthediningroomthefollowingday.Itwasbynomeansthelesserchoice.Thesturdywoodentablewithblackbistrochairswasinadog’slegaroundthefreestandingAga.They’dfilledthetablewithastar-studdedclutteroftealights,wherevertherewasspacearoundplatesettings.Thewhitechinapendantlampsabovehadalambent,fireflyglow.Thewholelookcould’vebeentornstraightfromanupmarketinteriorsmagazine.
RoisinhadforgottenhowgreatacookDevwas.Hehadthatsignatureofthetrulyconfident,inthathenevertriedtodotoomuch.
Tonight,therewasacauldronofbutterchickenonthestove,withstacksofparathaandamoundofplainricethesizeofaForestHog,andasupportingactvatofsaagaloo,whichtheirresidentvegetarian,Gina,couldhaveashermain.Thetableheldraitasandsomethingshrimp-pinkwithbeetroot,bowlsofchutneysandpickles.
Dev,alwaysahostbytemperament,hadfoundasettingworthyofhistalents.
Everyoneheldtheirphonesalofttorecordthescene–themodernritual.
SheglancedatJoeforamoment’sconnection,buthehadstationedhimselfbythebutterchickenwithaservingladle.
‘We’renotgoingtosaygrace,soinsteadlet’ssaythanks,Dev,andacognacforthechefs,’Roisinsaid,liftingherglasswithanodtoJoeandthenMatt,asothersfollowedsuit.
‘OhGod,doyourememberthatvisitingmanagerfromLondonwhogotustodescribe“aninterestingthingthathappenedtousrecently”,atthestartofanymeeting?Peppybitch,’Meredithsaid,withtheatricalshudder.
‘Thereisnothingworseonthisblueplanetthan“teambuilding”,’Mattsaid.
‘I’vegotaninterestingthing.LastmonthIwassohungoverthatmyiPhone’sFaceIDdidn’trecogniseme,’Ginasaid.
Shelookedsurprisedwheneveryoneburstintohysterics.
‘That’snotpossible,surely!’Mattsaid.‘It’sbiometrics.’
‘Itwasn’tbiometrics,itwasmezcal.’
‘Ohhhh,wasthatthesamenightyoucalledmeweepingsohardyoucouldn’tspeak,andIthoughtsomethingterriblehadhappened…’Meredithsaid.
Ginanodded.‘Isaid,“I’vefinallyacceptedI’mnevergoingtoshagJasonMomoa.”Itwaslikeabereavement.’
‘Woah.I’mstillnowherenearreadytoacceptthat,’Mattsaid.
Oncethesnortinghadsubsided,therewasapeacefulinterludeofshovellingcurry,punctuatedbymurmuredfugginghellthisissogoodcompliments.
‘I’mmarryingwell,aren’tI?’Anitasaid.
‘Thatremindsme,anannouncement,’Devsaid,dingingthepeppermillwithhisfork.‘We’vedecidedonaweddingdestination.’
Theweddingwasnextspring:Devwasnotmuchonefordelayedgratification.RoisinhadvaguelywonderedaloudtoJoewhetheravenueofsufficientmajestywouldbeavailabletoDevonsuchashortleadtime.
‘IcanimagineDevbribingsomeonetomovetheirsthough,can’tyou?’Joehadsaid.
‘What,literallypayingthewholecostofavenuehiretwice,togetanothercoupletocancel?’
‘Yup.Hedoesn’tcareaboutmoneyforitself,onlywhatitcando.Admirablereally,’Joesaid.
‘Mmmm,’Roisinhadreplied,feelingaghastandbasic.
‘Destination?’Meredithrepeatednow,tentativelyvoicingcollectiveunease.
‘LakeComo,’Devsaid,spreadinghispalmslikeatelevisionsalesmanwithincrediblereductionsforyou.‘I’llsendyouphotosofthevillawherewe’rehavingtheceremony.It’sabsolutelymindblowing.Honestly,thatpartofItaly.’Devmadeachef’skissgesturebeforereturningtotearinghisparatha.
‘Cypresstrees,frescoedwalls,Muranochandeliers,fadedpeelingshutters,’Anitasaid.‘Thewholeaesthetic.Idie.’
‘Thereareroomsavailableinthevillawe’regettingmarriedin,butifthey’retoopriceythere’sotheroptionsnearby.I’lldoaWhatsApp,’Devsaid,wavingahand.‘Don’tworry.’
‘Well.Thisisexciting.IbeststartstickingmoreinmyISA,’Meredithsaid,inanupbeatway.
Roisin’sapproachtoherownfinanceshadbeendesignedbyMeredithintheirtwenties,andshehadlearnedlifelonggoodhabitsshe’dforeverbegratefulfor.
‘DoesLakeComohaveanySofitels?’Mattsaid.‘Thisyearformeisalreadyverystaggy.’
‘Wait,aren’tyouloaded?’Joesaid.
Roisintensed.
‘Myfamilyareloaded,I’mnot,’Mattsaid.
‘Verylawyerlydistinction,’Joesaid,chortling.
‘It’snotlawyerly,it’strue.’
TherewasastrainedpausethatRoisinfeltobligedtofill.‘I’mimaginingthekindofstagsyougetinvitedon,Matt,’shesaid.‘TellmeifI’mwarm.Poshladsinstrawtrilbies,mirroredaviatorsandpinkpolotops,drinkingfreepourroséatcabanapoolbarsinIbiza?’Shesmiledathim,hopingtocommunicatethatthiswasentirelyfriendlyribbing,unlikeJoe.
‘Whyareyousofullofhate,Roisin?Perpetuallyfloodedwithrage,aren’tyou?’Mattsaid,witharealsmileinreturn.‘YouareNOTclearedtoboardHMSBantswithBags,WillsandPiggers.’
‘Noworries,mate!Ifyoucan’taffordit,Icancoverit,’DevsaidtoMatt.
‘Uhm…’Mattglancedquicklyatother,similarlytautexpressions.‘I’dnotfeelOKaboutthat,butthanks.’
‘Don’tbedaft.AllIcareaboutishavingyouthere!And…drumroll…asformystagdestination.We’regoingto…MIAMI.’
Therewasastartled,ifnotshocked,pause.AnyhopethatDevhadpickedupontheambivalentresponsetohisItalyrevealwasdashed.
‘IsthereaMiamiinNorthamptonshirewedon’tknowabout,ordoyoumeanMiami-Miami?’Joesaid.
‘Yeah,hopingthere’saMiaminightclubinBolton,’MattsaidtoJoe,whoignoredhim.
‘I’mgettingtheflights,’Devsaid,wavingapalm.‘Notathingtoconcernyou,mydudes.’
Hisdudesmadepolitenoisesofdisbelief.Meredithskilfullychangedthesubjectbydemandingthebutterchickenrecipe,beforeAnitacouldannounceahendoinAustralia.
Puttingthemonthisspot,albeitinadvertently,didnotfeelgood.Theycouldn’treallyacceptDev’slavishhospitalityandpushbackonnewlyunveiledobligationstotravelEuropeandAmericaatthesametime.Theywerecompromisedandcomplicit.Takingwithonehandandtryingtosay‘stop’withtheother.
Devhadsoaredintoataxbracketthatseveralofthemdidn’tshareandlikelyneverwould,andheneededtocomebackdowntoearthifhewantedtospendtimewiththem.
HowhadRoisinnotgraspedwhatwasgoingon?She’dfrettedthistripwasoverthetop,yes,butinthefamiliarrhythmsandpatternsoftheirsocialisinginsouthManchester,thesituationhadn’tbeensoobviousasitwasrightnow.
HadDevreplacedhisaddictiontonarcoticexcesswithaddictiontothisexcess:spendingmoney?HisChaseSapphirecardnolongerchoppedoutthepowder–itwasthepowder?
‘Whilewe’redoingannouncements,’Joesaid,‘there’soneoverthisendofthetable,too.’10
InthesecondsafterJoespoke,Roisindiscovereditwascertainlytruethatfakingitneverreallyworked.ThegroupmusthavesensedthatRoisinandJoewerefaltering.
Ifitwasstilloldtimes,therewould’vebeenanexcited,expectantgulp-gaspthattheywereabouttohearnewsofanengagement.(Roisin’swillingnesstoswillM?etputtingpaidtotheotherpossibility.)
Instead,afullysilentgapfollowedJoe’sdeclaration,becauseitturnedouttheyclearlyinstinctivelyknewitcouldn’tbethateitherofthemhadproposed.Oddhowmicroscopicpausescouldbesodecisivelyrevealing.
RoisinhadnoideawhatJoewasreferringto,either.Shecertainlyhadnoexpectationofhimpushinghischairoutanddroppingtooneknee.
‘I’vegottoleaveearlierthanplannedonSunday…toflytotheStates,’Joesaid,nowhehadthemallinthepalmofhishand.‘I’vegotameetingwithJ.J.Abrams.’
‘FOOKOFF!’Devexclaimed,amidsquealing.‘Really?’
‘IshetheStarTrekguy?OrtheStarWarsguy?’Ginasaid.
‘Both,’Joesaid,basking.
‘ThisisforafilmofSEEN?’Meredithsaid.
‘Yup.Oh,andconsiderthisinformationunderaverbalagreementNDA.IamNDA-eduptothegunwales.’
‘What’sanNDA?’Ginasaid.
‘Non-DisclosureAgreement.Alegalwaytostopyougossiping,’Joesaid.Headded,‘NotYOUyou.Ingeneral,“you”.’
‘Whendidyoufindthisout?’Roisinsaid,thoughshehadagoodidea.
‘Tonight,’Joesaid.‘Hispeoplereachedouttomypeople,etc.’
Hehadknownwhenhewasself-importantlybangingoutemailsintheirbedroom,then,andtoldhertogodownstairswithouthim.Hehadactivelychosentowithholditforamomentwiththegroupthantellhisgirlfriend,alone.
Nothingwasaboutthetwoofthem,anymore.Champagneproblems.
‘ActualHollywoodpeople.Joe!Thisisthecoolestthing,’Ginasaid,shakingherhead,makingaproudmumdisbeliefface.
‘OhmyGod–whatareyougoingtowear?!’Anitasaid.
EveryoneguffawedattheideaJoe’schoiceofshirtwascrucialandRoisinwasgratefulfortheirguilelessnesspuncturingthelingeringtensionfromDev’sairmilestalk.
‘Whatdoyouactuallysay,inameetinglikethat?’Meredithsaid.
‘Tobehonest,it’swhatmyagentcallsakindoflet’sgetalookatyouthing.Ifthey’regoingtodobusinessdevelopingyourideaandinvolvingyoutosomeextent,theywanttocheckyou’renotintolerable.Sonotalot,really.Don’tsuggestivelytonguethecutleryandlaughinthewrongplaces.’
‘Areyouhavingdinner?’Devsaid.
‘Brunch.ButI’vealreadybeenwarned,nooneactuallyeatsit.’
‘Youordersomethingandthenlookatit?Oryoudon’torder?’Ginasaid.
‘Theysay,“bringallthethingsforthetable”andeveryoneignoresitanddrinksblackcoffee.’
‘NotcalledLaLaLandfornothing,’Devsaid,nodding.‘Awaywiththefairies.Landofthelotuslickers.’
‘Fairlysureit’s“eaters”,’Joesaid.
‘DestabilisethepowerdynamicbydemandingtheChateauMarmontwaiterbringsyoualargechilledbananamilkshakewithahalfbananagarnish,’Mattsaid.‘It’sthekindofplacewherethey’dhavetodoit.’
‘IsitatChateauMarmont?’Anitasaid.
‘Thatwasaguess,’Mattsaid.
‘Actually,yes,’Joesaid,andRoisincouldsenseJoe’sirritationatMattstealingevenonerumbleofthisthunder.
‘WhattimedoyouhavetogoonSunday?’Roisinsaid.Sheknewitwasaboringscold’squestion.Afungirlfriendshouldbecooing,butshecouldn’tbringherself.
‘Taxi’scomingatquartertoseven,’Joesaid.
Dev,overhearing,madeapainednoise.‘We’llsayta-rahtoyouonSaturdaynightifthat’sOK,mate.’
‘Absolutely!’Joesaid,addressingthetable.‘Idon’texpectanyonetogetuptoseemeoff.’
Anyone?Roisinthought.WhatamI,thedogwedon’thave’smother?
‘Ithinkwhatyou’veachievedissoincredible,Joe,’Ginasaid.‘Irememberwhenweusedtodonateourfullystampedcaféloyaltycardstoyousoyoucouldhaveafreedrinkwhileyouworked.Nowlookatyou!’
‘Stillappreciateit,’Joesaid.‘MightbeflyingbusinessonVirginAtlanticdayaftertomorrowbutinmyheartI’mDiddyBforever.’
‘DiddyB!’Ginacried,inwarmthattheirsharednicknameforDidsbury.
Joegazedbackatherwithrealfondness.
RoisinlovedGina,too.Butinthatmoment,withoutjealousy,shethought:Joe,yougetonsowellwithGinabecausesheissweetlyprettyandbuiltlikeJessicaRabbit,andanunabashedJoefangirl.Sheworshipsyouandasksnothingofyou.
MaybeRoisinshouldletherselfoffthehookregardingJoelosinginterestinher–maybehewasalwaysgoingtodothatwithanypartnerwhocouldn’tremodelherselfintoJoe’sadoringfoil.Heusedtolikeachallenge.
‘Isittimeyet?’AnitasaidtoDev.‘Forthesurprise.’
Devnodded,andAnitajumpedfromherchairandscuttledoffintothehallwayaseveryonewatched,perplexed.
‘Apologiesformyfiancée.ShehastheenergyofSatancrossedwithabillygoat,’Devsaid.‘Yes,Iknow,andit’smesayingthat.’
Anitabumpedbackintotheroomwithhandsfull,holdingalargeflatoblongdrapedinadustsheet,solargeshehadtosidestep.
‘We’vegotthisforourhouse,butwe’lldomoreforanyonewhowants,’Devsaid,gettingup.
Joemadeacovertcomic-grimaceinRoisin’sdirectionandshesmiledthinly.Shewonderedwhyeverythinghadtobesmirkedandsnarkedatnow.Except,shewasprettysuresheknewwhy.Easiertoletgoofsomethingyouhadspoiled.
DevhelpedAnitasettheobject,thesizeofaflatscreenTV,downonthefloor.Theywhippedthesheetaway,bothofthemTA-DAHingastheydidso.
Theyallsquealed,barJoe.Itwasaframedphotographofthesixofthem,crowdedontoablackleathersofainaNorthernQuarterbar.TheywereunderanAmericanroadsign,thewordsDON’TWALKlitup.WaterstonesDeansgateAlumni,2013.
Dev,centre,lookedtwostonelighter,withathen-characteristicpintandachaserinfrontofhimonthelowtable.Roisin,tohisleft,wasgrinning.Shehadhernaturaldarkbrownhairseparatedinlowbunches(ugh,whatwasshethinking?)andaverytightMuppetst-shirtthatmadeherlookverybusty(ugh,whatwasshethinking?).PepeTheKingPrawnshouldnotbestretchedacrossabreast.
Hersoon-to-becomeboyfriend,Joe,perchedonthesofaarm,raisinganeyebrowovertherimofapintthathewasholdinguptoobscurehisface.Hewasshyerthen.Roisinrememberedthefascinationbetweenthematthetimeandfeltapangofloss.
GinawasonDev’sright.Shehadshorthairinapixiecutandastrappydresswithbikerboots.ShewasperchedcoylyonMeredith’slap.Meredith,mostlyobscuredingreenConverse,lookedlikeherself.Shewasalwaysthemostherself,fromthestart.
Mattwascrouchedontheground,leaninghisheadtobesureofbeinginshot.Helookedlesschiselledandpoisedthanhedidnow.Moreofthekeen,ganglyyoungathleteabouthim,butstillboy-bandbeautiful.
Peeringatthepastwasastrangesensation,Roisinthought,astheyoohedandaahedandjokedaboutit.Itwasanearlierversionofthemselvestheyhadn’texactlyforgotten,yetitwasstillajolttobeconfrontedwithit.Somehow,youalwayslostthedetail.
‘Ithoughtwecouldtakeanotheronewhilewe’rehere;ThenandNow.’Devsaid.‘Lotsofsofastochoosefrom.’
‘Youcandoonewhereyou’reinexactlythesameposes,’Anitasaid,alwaystheartdirector.
‘Wecandoanotherinanothertenyears!’Devsaid,lookingexpansivelyatthemall.‘Andtenyearsafterthat!’
MuchasshelovedDev’sidealism,Roisinfeltsurethatthesetwoportraitswouldbelessofasequenceandmorelikebookends.11
‘Right,Ithinkwe’rethere…’Anitasaid,standinginfrontofthefireplace,examiningthemthroughheriPhoneinitscamoshockproofcase.IthadoneofthosePopSocketnodulesonthebackandlookedliketheseriousprofessionaltoolkitthatitwas.
She’dfoundDevaproppintglassandshotglassandfilledthemwithwater.Joewasalsorequiredtoholdadrinkatthesamelevel:everythinghadtobejustso.
‘SayseverythingthatIdidn’tscoreaplaceonthesofathenandnowneverwill,forcontinuity,’Mattsaid,makingairquotemarks,holdinghiscrouchingpose.
‘EveryFriendshasaGunther,’Joesaid,tomuchlaughter.
‘Hewasn’toneofthemainsix,’Roisinsaid,andimmediatelyregrettedthelumpenstupidityofmakingJoe’spoint.
‘Sorry,IweighabitmorethanIdidwhenIwastwenty-two,’GinasaidtoMeredith,whoreplied,muffled,‘Luckilymykneeshavegotbulkiertoo.’
‘Holdyourpositionsalittlelonger,please!’Anitacommanded,beforeproddingatherhandset.‘OK,I’vetakenloads,andyoucanargueoverusingtheonewhereyoulookbest,’Anitasaid.‘We’llsendcopiesofbothontoallofyouaftertheweekend!’
Devsnappedtheoverheadlightoffandthespacewasoneplungedintoatmosphericperiodgloom.
‘Thisisyourengagementcelebration,Dev–weshouldbemakingafussofyoutwo,notus,’Roisinsaid,gettingup.
‘Nothingwe’dratherbedoing,’Devsaid,beaming,andAnitanodded.
‘It’strue.WewereawaywithmysisterslastweekendandDev’snotrecoveredyet.’
Devshuddered.‘Chaosdemons.’
‘Hey.Speakingofdemons.Thisplacehastohaveaghost,right?’Joesaid,pullinghisiPhonefromhispocketandshakingitlightly,asifitwasadeckofcards.‘Whowantstofindoutifthere’saghoststory?’
‘Joe…’Roisinsaid,intoneofwarning.‘Don’tshitusallup.’
‘Me,Ido!’Ginasaid.
‘Doyou?’Roisinsaiddoubtfully.
‘Ifit’snotsuperscary,’Ginasaid.
‘Joe,thatisheavilyqualifiedconsent,’Roisinsaid.
‘GivenIdon’tbelieveinghosts,Idon’tcare,’Meredithsaid.
‘I’magnostic,’Devsaid.‘Anita?’
‘Ibelieve,’shesaid,sittingdownandreclaimingherfishbowlG&T.‘Butbringiton.’
AsplitsecondaftershespokethewordsIbelieve,thecandlesonthemantelpieceguttered.GinaandAnitashrieked.
Ginasaid,‘Matt,doyoubelieve?’
‘No.ButIkeepanopenmind,’hesaid.
‘Thatdoesn’tmakeanysense,’Roisinsaid,laughing,andMattsaid,‘Ohchill,MissTrunchbull,’whichmadeRoisinlaughharder.She’dforgotMatt’scomicthemethatshewasajoylessauthoritarian.
‘Isthatafullhouse“yes”voteforthestory,then?’Joesaidimpatiently.‘Rosh,you’reasceptic,itcan’tseriouslybotheryou.Youcan’tfearbeinghauntedbysomethingyoudon’tbelievein.’
Hehadherthere.
Joescrolledhisscreen.‘Ah,success!Heregoes.’JoeadoptedthevoiceofalocalTVnewsreader.‘Cumbria’sghostlyhotspots.ThegrandBenbarrowHallissaidtobevisitedbythespiritofaservantgirlwhodrownedherselfinthelakeinthelate1800s.’
‘Oh,forGod’ssake!Whyisitalwaystragicspurnedwomenorangrymenonhorseback?’
Roisinrealisedshewasstillthebolshietwelve-year-oldwitnessingQueenieMook’sphantasms.Nevertheless,lookingatthecandlelightflickeringonthewalls,shewasgladshewasn’tgoingtobedalone.
‘They’realways“ladies”,too,’Roisinsaid.‘TheLadyOfTheSomething.Tragic,sexyyoungOphelias.Someoneshoulddoathesisontheunderlyingsocialvaluesexhibitedinghoststories,iftheyhaven’talready.’
‘Cor,youcantellyou’reateacher,’Devsaid.
‘Forgivemygirlfriend’sstridentfeminism,’Joesaid.‘It’ssaidthegirlwassecretlyengagedtothesonofthefamilywholivedhere.Whenthescandalousliaisonwithalowbornwomancametolight,hedeniedherandbrandedheraliar.’
‘Wanker,’Gina,saidwithfeeling.‘Soundsexactlylikemyex.’
‘Distraught,sheranfromherbedanddrownedherselfbymoonlight,’Joecontinued.‘VisitorstoBenbarrowHallhavereportedlookingoutofthewindowsandseeingaghostlyfigurestandingbythelakeatnight.’
‘Argh!’GinasquealedasMeredithjumpedtoherfeet,scuttledtothewindowandcuppedherhandsroundtheglass.
‘Don’tLOOK,Meredith!’
‘What’slookinggoingtodo?’Meredithsaid.
‘Whenyougazeintotheabyss,theabyssgazesback!’Ginacried.
‘Wasn’tthatamovietagline?’Devsaid.
‘Ithinkit’sNietzsche?’MattsaidtoGina.
‘Isawitonaposter,’Ginasaid.
AnitajoinedMeredith,whileGinaperformativelychatteredherteeth.
‘OhmyGod,there’ssomeonethere!’Meredithsaid,inasepulchralhushassheturnedtoGina,facestricken.‘She’s…TWERKING?’
GinaflickedtheVsatMeredith.
‘…Othervisitorsreporthearingfootstepsonthestaircasesandseeingayoungwomaninawetnightgowncrossingthegardensatnight.Sheisknowninfolklegend,duetohersoddenhairanddistressedappearance,as“TheCryingLady”…’Joesaid.
‘BINGO,’Roisinsaid.‘ASadLady.Toldyou.’
Joecarriedonphonetapping.‘There’sablogherebyalocalhistorian,titled“TheCurseofBenbarrowHall”…’
‘Nooooo,what’sthecurse?!’Ginasaid,pullingthesatinribbonsfromthepussybowatherneckuptocoverhereyes,likebandages.
‘Itrelatesspecificallytocourtingcouples,’Joeread.‘Everylovematchmadeunderitsroofwillendintragedy.Theservantgirl’smotherputacurseonthehouse.IbettheweddingvenueorganiserslobbiedhardtokeepthatoutoftheofficialWikipedia.’Helookedup,grinning.
‘Ugh,no,’Anitasaid.
‘Wait.Whatwasthat?’Joesaid,slylyknockingacandle-lesscandlesticksoftlyontotherugwithhiselbow,pretendingtostartle.Everyonecaughttheirbreath,cackled,thenheckled.
‘Fuck,whatifDevandIarecursed?!’Anitasaid.
‘You’rebetrothed,notcourting.You’llbefine.Nocourting.Whateverthatis.Didn’tafrogdoit?’Roisinsaid,mocksternlytoeachofthem.
‘Yousaidbringiton!’JoesaidtoAnita.
‘Anita’sverybadatpredictinghowshe’llfeelafewminutesintothefuture,’Devsaid.‘WhenwewenttoCaliforniaIsaid,“Doyouwanttogoonahikethroughacanyon?”Shesaid,“Yeah,sure,”andfiveminutesintoitshesaysshehateswalking,andheat,andheights,andCANYONS.She’sintears.Like,whatpartwereyouexpectingtoenjoy?!’
‘Ihadagreatdenimplaysuitforit.That’swheremymindgoes.WhatwillIwear?’Anitasaid.
‘CanIborrowthedenimrompertomeetJ.J.?’Joesaid.
‘Yes,sure.IwillFebrezethegusset,’Anitasaid,winkingaflickyliquid-eyelineredeye,setinasweepofcopperdust.Herfacelookedlikeitwassculptedfrompreciousmetals,Roisinthought.
Devroared.Anitasparkled.Theywereagoodcombination.Roisinrealisedshemissedbeingagoodcombination.
‘Thinkanyofit’strue?’Meredithsaid,takingherseatagain,alsoglancingatthedeepshadowsintheunoccupiedendofthedrawingroom.‘Theservantgirlkillingherselfpart,nottheghostresurrection.Thoughalsotheghostresurrection,ifyouwanttomakethecase.’
‘No,’Roisinsaid.‘Onthebasis,assaid,itsoundslikeallghoststoriesever.’
‘Ifwearedueahaunting,you’reabsolutelytheonewho’llgetitnow,’Mattsaid.‘Thevocalcynicalwaysgetsit.You’vemarkedyourself,Rosh.’
‘Thisistrue.I’lltakemychances,’Roisinsaid.‘NotleastbecauseIknowthefacetiousprettyboygetsitstraightafterme.You’renowayaliveattheend.Youfoolishlyhaveafurtiveassignationoutbythechickenshed.Then…’Roisinmadeabodythrustingandthenaneckslashinggesture.
‘Whoisaliveattheend?!’Ginasqueaked,asifthiswasarealprospectsheshouldplanfor.
‘Resourceful,“maincharacterenergy”Meredith,brandishingatikitorch,inherglitterBirkenstocks,’Roisinsaid.‘ShepossiblysavesyouandDev,accordingtotheworthyofrescuearchetypes.Joereadtheghoststory;Ideridedtheghoststory;Matt’s,asstated,Matt;andAnitasaidshewasfrightened,soshe’sagoner.We’reobviousfodderforthenarrativearc.’
Therewasapause.
‘Doyouknow,IthinkI’dhavepreferredcharades,’Mattsaid.12
‘Whydorichkidsalwayslieaboutbeingrich?Isitinthehandbook?Dotheyallgetslippedacopyoftherulesofhavingmoney?LikethewaycabbiesdoTheKnowledge?’Joesaid,toothbrushhangingfromsideofmouth,inhisPaulSmithironicstripedgrandadpyjamas.Hewasspeakinginanexaggeratedhush,beingquieterthanheneededto,nodoubttocoaxRoisintojoinhiminthebitching.‘Iwaswaitingfor,“weweren’twelloff,myparentsscrapedenoughtosendusprivate.”Everytime.’
‘Matt?’Roisinwasinbed,hairtwistedupinabundleagainstthepillow,facepaleandshinywithmoisturiser.
Itwasincrediblethey’dbeensorestrainedwiththealcoholtonight;perhapsitwasthecombinedwhammyofafullday’swork(inhercase,anyway),heat,travel,curryandbeinggiventhewilliesbyghoststories.Onewayoranother,theirplanehadtaxiedontherunwayandnottakenoff.Roisinwasgladitleftherabletoenjoythethoughtoftomorrow’swalkroundthegrounds.She’dhadvisionsofslypukesinwoodedcopses.
‘Yeah.“Myparentsarewealthy,notme.”Oh,please.WhatportionofsomevastestateinKnutsfordiscomingMatt’sway,alongwiththeprivateannualincomehe’llbeon?’
‘I’veneverreallythoughtaboutMatt’sfinancing,’Roisinsaid.
‘NeitherhasMatt.’
‘It’snotMattI’mworriedabout.It’sDev,’Roisinsaid.
‘HehasgoneabitViv“spendspendspend”Nicholson.’
‘WasshethefootballpoolswinnerintheSixtieswhoblewitallupthewall?’
‘Aye.Endedupbankrupt,’Joesaid.
‘Shit,don’tsaythat.Youdon’tthinkhecoulddothat,doyou?’
‘Idunno–didn’tsayanythingtoDev,butit’sfifty-fiftyIcancometoanyofit,includingthewedding,anyway.Noideawhatmyschedulewilllooklikethen.’
‘What?Noone’sgoingtoexpectyoutomissawedding?’Roisinsaid.
‘IthinkHollywoodpeoplearecapableofexpectingmetomissbirths,deaths,weddings,thelot,’Joesaid.‘Still.NopointtellingDevthatuntilithappens.’
Shecould’vedonewithJoebreakingittohergently,andasifitwasasmuchherbadnewsasDev’s.Itwasn’tnothingtohertodiscoverhemightnotbeathersideattheoccasionofoneoftheirdearestfriendstyingtheknot.He’dneverbeonthepictures,they’dsharenomemoriesoftheday?Thathadn’tmattered?
‘Er…whenwereyougoingtotellme?’
‘Well,seeabove.Notworthgettingupsetaboutuntilithappens.’
Excepthehadjustworriedherwithit.
ShefeltasifJoekepttrappingherinsideriddles.Hemightbegreatatdialoguebutahyperempath,hewasnot.
Roisindidn’tsayanythingmore,asitwasn’tthetime.Butonceagain,shesuspectedTheTimewouldnotobliginglycreateitself.
Roisinwasjoltedawakebytheair-tearingsoundofahigh-pitchedscream.Shesatup,shaking,tryingtoorientateherselfintheinkyproperdarknessofthecountryside.Thescreamwasfollowedbythesoundoffeetthunderingacrossthelandingbeyond.
SheturnedtolookatJoe,whoasusualhadwrappedhimselfinatightcigarofsheetandremaineddeeplyasleep.Theiroldflatusedtobesurroundedbyregularhighvolume,post-kebabshophoopla,carsbackfiring,R’n’Bplayedbyneighboursatfoura.m.Joeneverstirred.Itwashissuperpower.
Therefollowedmuffledvoices,possiblymaleorfemale,orboth.TherewasanoddbutpowerfuldullbangthatRoisincouldn’tplace,althoughshewasatleastsureitwasn’tagunshot.Itwasfollowedbyanother,thistimebloodcurdling,femalescreamthatslicedthroughRoisinlikeahotknifethroughcoldbutter
ShejumpedoutofbedinaspikeofadrenalineandfumbleddesperatelyfortheLibertyprintkimonothatshe’donlyboughtwhensheknewshewascomingonthistrip.Roisinwasn’tsuperkeenonherfriendsknowingsheoftensleptinanoldpairofcroppedleggingsandat-shirtfor‘RaccoonLodgeNYC:APlaceWherePeopleComeToMixAndMex!’
Yes,don’ttakepremenstrualRoshWearontour,Joesaid.Leavethedressinggownofdoom,theTonySopranorobe,athome.AndtheslippersthatlooklikeFragglehooves.
Shebumpedalongtheunfamiliarpassagewayinthedarkandoutontothelanding,whichcontainedDevinvestandjoggersandAnita,abundantlybralessinsilkcamisoleandbigFrenchknickers.Roisinenviedthephysicallyconfident.Orpossibly,thesimplysemi-consciousinanemergency.
‘Itoldyou,Ithoughtshewasintrouble,’Mattwassaying,beyondthem.Hewasinonlyboxershorts,lookingsleep-rumpled,peculiarlyculpableand,ithadtobenoted,extremelyabdominallyhoned.Thatwaswhyyouwenttothegymonholiday.
‘Icouldn’topenthedoor,’Mattsaid.‘Iwasacting,notthinking.’
‘Becauseshe’dlockedit!’Anitasaid.
‘Iknowthatnow…’
‘What’stheotherexplanationforitnotopening,though?Didyouthinktheghosthadtheothersideofthehandle?’Devsaid,entertained.
‘Honestly,Idon’tknow.Ipanicked…’
Matt’ssheepishdemeanourremindedRoisinofwhenherbrotherRyan,agedseventeen,stoned,hadputinthewindscreenofherneighbour’scarwhileclimbingonit.HewastryingtowavedownanalienthathadturnedouttobeaMinionsballoon.13
‘IthoughtIwashelping,’Mattsaid,inadefeatedvoice.‘Ididn’tmeantoupsether…Ah,God…’
‘Knockfirst,mate!Alwaysknock!Simpleasthat!’Devwassaying,inthekindlyexasperatedvoicehe’dusedinemergencysituationsontheshopfloor
‘Iknow,Iknow.I’llpayforanydamage,’Mattsaid,lookingtowardsadoorwhichRoisincouldnowseehadsplintersatitsframe.
‘That’llbehertherapybills,’Anitasaid,andDevgavehisfiancéeahardlook.
‘Hi.What’shappened?’Roisinsaid.
Theyturned.
‘Gina’shadahaunting!’Devsaid.‘She’smettheghost.’
‘TheCryingLady?’Roisinfeltabitfoolish,askingasifitwasarealperson.Herheartstartedpounding,nonetheless.‘Really?’
‘Yup.’Devsaid.‘Orshethinks.Shewokeupandsawawomanstandingatthefootofherbed.’
‘That’swhyshescreamed?’Roisinsaiduncertainly.Intheloomingsilhouettesoftheoldhouse,intheearlyhoursofthemorning,shefeltmanydegreeslessscornfulthanshehadduringJoe’sonlinetrawlearlier.
‘Mattburstintoherroomwhenheheardherscreaming.Hewasbeingaknightinshining…pants,’Anitasaid,lookinghimupanddownandgivingalowwhistle.Anita,Roisinwaslearning,couldneversustainseriousnessforverylong.
Mattcrossedhisarmsdefensivelyacrosshislightlyhairychest.Itwasn’ttheirfirstrodeo–morelikesecondorthird–seeingeachotherinlessthanfullformalattireonholidays,yetRoisinwasgladofherlayerofouterwear.
Mattlookedintenselymiserable,andRoisinwasdefinitelymissingsomethinghere.Hadn’thebeenhelpful?HewassomehowasguiltyofupsettingGinaassoggyapparitions?
‘OK…?’Roisinfrowned.‘Yourinterventionwasn’twelcome?’
‘Nope,’Mattsaid.
‘Becauseyoubrokethroughthedoor?’
‘Hekickeditoffitshinges,’AnitasaidtoRoisin.
‘Right.’Roisinfrowned.That’dtakesomedoingwiththesetwo-inchthickwoodendoors.‘Andnowshecan’tlockherdoorincasetheghostcomesback?Itfloatedthroughwallsanyway,so…’
‘No.TheissueisGinawas…notdressed,’Anitaadded.
‘Oh,’Roisinsaid.She’dfoundsleepweardisorientatingenough.
Mattclappedapalmoverhiseyes,asifblaminghishavingsight.‘Ifeellikesuchacreep.It’snotasifIwaslookingforareasontobargein.IcanonlykeepsayingI’msorry.’
‘ShallIgoinandtalktoher?’Roisinsaid.
‘Yes,goodidea,’Devsaid.‘She’llwanttotalktoyou.’
Roisingingerlycrankedthehandleofadoorthathadbeenproppedbackinplaceandswungstraightopenonitsdamagedhinges.Ginawasatiny,sweatshirt-cladfigurewrappedintheseaofblanketsinthemiddleofherfourposter,lightslow.Meredithwasperchedawkwardlyontheedgeofthebed,withconsolingarmaroundher.
AtRoisin’sentrance,Meredithwidenedhereyes:a‘ProceedWithCaution’look.
‘AreyouOK,G?’Roisinsaid,gently.
‘ShallIexplain…?’MeredithaddressedGina,whoshookherhead,wipedhernoseandraisedtear-filledeyestomeetRoisin’s.Shesniffed,hard.
‘Iwasgoingtosleep,andIwokeup,andIthinkImighthavehadthatsleepparalysisthingandbestilldreaming,youknow,’shesaid,inatremulousvoice.‘IthoughtIsawsomeoneattheendofthebed.WhenIturnedthelighton,itwasthewardrobe,butIstillscreamed.’
Roisinknewit.Herfearevaporatedinstantly.Nospectralfloaters–powerofsuggestion,pluspissed.BloodyJoe.Joe‘sleepinglikeababywhilethecontroversyraged’PowellThetimetogooglewhethertheplacewas‘haunted’wasondeparture.
Noonebetterthanateacher–orasubmarinecaptain–totellhimthatgivingabunchofpeopleinanenclosedspaceacrazyidea,wasacrazyidea.
‘SuddenlyMattwasoutsidethedoorsaying,“Gina,areyouOK,what’swrong,”andI’dlockedthedoor,anditallhappenedsofast…Ijumpedoutofbedandthenhewasintheroom…Iwas…Idon’tsleepinclothes…’Sheburiedherfaceinherblanketedkneesandmadeawhimperingnoise.
‘ShehasbeenretraumatisedbyMattbeingaheroicbellend,’Meredithconcluded.
‘It’sjust…’Ginaloweredherhand.‘Iknowhewasbeingnice.ButhowamIsupposedtonotwanttofuckingdieeverytimeIseehim?Ikeepreplayingitinmyhead!’
Roisincouldseethatthethingthatmadethisimpromptufullfrontalnotmerelyembarrassing,butactivelyquitehorrifying,wasthe‘beinginlovewithMatt’part.Noonewassayingasmuch,yetthiscontextwastheintangible,oppressiveforceintheroom.MoresothanTheCryingLady.
Noonewantstoflashthepersontheyhavethebadhotsfor,Roisinthought.
Nooneforwhomit’snotakink,anyway.14
Roisinsatdownontheothersideofthebed.‘Iknowitdoesn’tfeelenoughofacomfortrightnowbutyou’regoingtoforgetaboutthismuchfasterthanyouthink,andhewilltoo.Theroomishalfdarkanditwasamoment.’
‘Itwasquiteafewmoments,whereIwasjumpingaround,andhewaslike…’Shemimickedsomeonestaringinboggling,immobileshock.‘Thenheturnedaround,andIwaspushinghimawayinpanicandwe…I…sortofslappedagainsthim…’Sheputherpalmstoherforehead.‘Aaaaargggh.Makeitnothavehappened,Roisin.Everydayfromnowon,thishashappened.’
Meredithcarriedonrubbingherback.Roisindidn’tusuallyreferinanyexplicitwaytoMatt’sfreneticlovelife,butneedsmust.
‘Gina,considerthis,’shesaidinanassertivevoice.‘Mattisamanoftheworld.Seeingwomennakedishisprincipalhobby.He’sseensomanythatIpromiseyouhestillcouldn’tpickyououtofaline-upafterthis.’
Ginaquietenedslightly.‘Youthink?’
‘Yes!Memoryisdimmingaswespeak!Memory-generatingbraincellsstartdyingoffagethirteen.Someofmypupilsareproof.’
RoisininclinedherheadatMeredith,toconvey‘helpmeout’.
‘Thisisverytrueofmenslags.Manywomen,endlesswomen.Justablurofboobs,’Meredithsaid.‘Inalongcareer.LikeDavidAttenboroughviewingwildlife.It’dbelikeaskingDavidAttenboroughtorecallaspecificgianttortoise.Amongthe…GreatTortoi.Wait,what’sthepluraloftortoise?’
‘Tortoises,’Roisinsaid.
‘Oh.Makessense.’
‘He’sDavid,andI’moneoftonsofGalapagosturtles?’Ginasaid.
‘Yes!’theychorused,emphatically.
‘’Coshemetsofewofthem,theyhadnames!Allofthemdied!Isawadocumentarywithonecalled“LonesomeGeorge”!’
‘Maybehewasjustunpopular,’Roisinoffered.
Meredithputahandoverhermouth.‘Somethingmorecommonthen.Penguins?’Meredithsaid.
‘PrettysureDavidwouldrememberapenguinifithadshakenitsdouble-DtitsathimwhilescreamingGEEETOUUUTTTT,’Ginasaid,palmsatherside,doingalittlebellydancermime.
Roisinfoughttosuppresslaughter.Meredithwastremblingwiththeeffortofnotdoingthesame.
‘Also,ifI’dknownthiswasgoingtohappen,I’dhavehadawax,’Ginasaid.‘I’vebeenrewildingtogetthatSeventiesHustlerlookthissummer,IreadinEllethatthebushiscomingback.It’sall…patchy.’Hervoicewaveredagain.‘Like,Iwouldn’twanteitherofyoutwotoseethis.Letalone…’Herfacecontorted.
‘Rewilding?’Roisinsaid,havingtogaspthewordoutbetweenherfingers.
Ginanoddedsombrely.‘Asmybeautytherapistsays,yearsofBraziliansaren’treversedovernight.’
‘Noneedwithmyrainforest,’Meredithsaid.‘Natureisflourishing.Lotsofnaturalgrazinghabitat.’Shedidn’tquitemakeitsteadilytotheendofthesentence.
Roisin,atlast,permittedherselftolaugh.‘Perfectforlargeherbivores…ahahaha…’
‘Nowaytodescribemyex,butyes.’
‘Soyou’resayingyou’vecreatedamagicalhaven,’Roisinsaid.
‘Yes,I’msayingthatwildlifefrolics.’
SheandMeredithcollapsed.
‘Fuckyouboth!’Ginasaid,witnessingtheirhonking,butherheartwasn’tinit.Shewasfinallysmiling,grudgingly.
Roisin’schestwasheavingaslaughtersubsided.ShefeltguiltythatGina’straumawasherfirstmomentofauthenticjoysincetheyarrived.
‘Gina,notonlyishenotgoingtohavenoticedthedetail,butI’mabsolutelycertainyoulookincrediblewithoutyourclotheson.You’releavingoutthemostimportantthinghere,’Roisinsaid,wipinghereyes.‘Whatwillhaveregistered,ifanything,isfitness.Whereasifithadbeenme,hecould’vesuedformentaldistress.Also…’Roisinhadtosaythiswithoutinvitingfalsehope:‘Itshowshecares.’
‘Hi.CanIcomein?’Mattsaid,interrupting,fromtheothersideofthedoor.
GinalookedtoRoisinandMeredithforananswerorreassurance.
‘Don’thavetotalktohimifyoudon’twantto,’Roisinsaid.
‘I’dratherfacehimwithyouhere,’Ginawhispered.Shewipedhereyesandrearrangedherhairaroundhershoulders.‘Comein.’
Mattentered,cladint-shirtaswellasboxers.‘Iwantedtoapologise,again.I’vebeenatotaldick.Shoulder-barginglockeddoorsiscompletelynotOK.I’mmortified.Pleasepromisemethatyouwon’tforeverassociatemewiththismomentofidiocy.’
Roisinwasn’tsureifitwasemotionalintelligenceorpublicschoolmannersthatmadeMattclaimtheshameofthisencounter;eitherway,itwasastute.
‘It’salright.Youdidn’tmeantodoit,’Ginasaid,inaverypoliteandsomewhatrecoveredvoice.Then,‘It’sforgotten.Ipromise.’
‘Thankyou,’Mattsaid.
‘Night,’theychorused,asheleft.
RoisinturnedtoGina.‘Gina.Thisisnothing.It’sforMatttofeelawkward,likehesaid.Beconfidentinyourskin,becauseifIwasinyourskin,Icertainlywouldbe.’
‘Ibetyouarealovelyteacher,’Ginasaid.‘Youalwaysknowwhattosay.’
Roisinhuggedherbare,delicatebones.‘IknowhowitfeelstobeheldtogetherbysheerbravadoandCharlotteTilbury.’
‘What’sgoingon?Wherehaveyoubeen?’Joesaid,unexpectedlyproppedonanelbow,awake,asRoisingentlyclosedthebedroomdoorbehindher.
‘YourghoststoryscaredGina;shescreamed,andMattbrokeintoherroomtorescueher.Shewasnakedandfeelsveryembarrassed.’
‘Really?Like,notastitch?’
‘Yup.’
‘Luckybastard,asusual,’Joemumbled,ashepushedhisfaceintothepillow.
Roisinsighedasshesnappedthelightoff.15
Thenextmorning,Devwasladlingoutfriedeggsandbaconinthekitchenwiththesang-froidofamanwho’doncecarriedonmakingfullEnglishesinFlatmateswhenthepolicehadturnedupafterareportofcommonassaultbyadragqueen,MargaretSnatcher,onavegansextoymanufacturer.
Theoffensiveweaponwasabulletvibratorintheshapeofachillipepper,andthefootageofofficersinspectingandbaggingitsawsomeoftheshow’shighestratings.
EveryonewasextremelyperkyatthesightofabreakfastlinecookinthestunningkitchenandAnitamixingvirginBloodyMarys–BloodyShames,asDevcalledthem.Onceagain,RoisinfeltguiltthattheGinatraumaseemedtohaveclearedsomethingamongthem:likearainstorminaheatwave.
Wasitbecausethey’dbeenontheirbestbehaviour,stilted,andthespellhadbeenbroken?
Eitherway,Roisinwasgladofthecheerasshezig-zaggedsrirachaontoherfriedegg,praisingDev’scookingandMeredith’sforethoughtregardsthegroceries.Noneofyourcommunalholiday,twomiserlyallocatedWeetabixandoff-brandteabags,UHTmilk;she’dthoughtofeveryluxury.
(AndDevhadinsistedontonsofbogroll,withtheimmortalwords:‘Iwon’tplayagameofchickenwithmyownarse.’)
Theywerechattingamiablyanddiscussingtheroutethey’dtakeexploringthegrounds,whenGinaappearedinthedoorway,wildeyed,lookingasdramaticasifshewasburstinginforthefemalesoloinaMeatloafvideo.
‘Matt,whattheFUCK?’shesaid,inaraggedvoice,andMattphysicallystarted.Everyoneelselookedateachotherinamazement,too.ThatMattcould’vecommittedfreshatrocitiesandbedowninthekitchen,freshlyshoweredandcrisplyshirtedbyhalfnine,seemedimprobable.
‘WhathaveIdone?!’
‘Yourmessage.Wasthatmeanttobefunny?’
‘Whatmessage?’
‘YOUKNOWWHATMESSAGE!Thosetexts!’
ThecollectivegazefastenedonMatt,whosemouthwasopen,hisbrowknitted.Thetoastthathadbeenheadingtowardshismouthwasreplacedontheplate.
Ginaturnedherphonetowardshimandheldthescreeninhisface.
Hefrowned,silentforasecond.‘Ididn’tsendthat!WhywouldIsendthat?!’
‘Youtellme.Fourteentimes!’
Mattraisedhisbodyoutofhischair,backstraight,sohehadpocketspacetofumblehisphoneout.
‘Ididn’t!Idon’tknowwhat’shappeninghere…’Mattsaid,tappingatthescreenandfranticallyscrollingtohismessages.Anotherbriefandexquisitelytautpause.‘Fuck.ItlookslikeIdidsendthem,butIdidn’tmeanto,Ipromise!It’sabumdial!Apocketdial!’
‘Whatdidyousend?!’Anitasaid,unabletocontainherselfanylonger.‘Dickpics?’
Armextendedfully,Ginamarchedthelengthofthetableandheldherphoneupinfrontofeachoftheminturn,givingthemasecondtofocus.Asifshewasaprosecutionlawyer,makingsureeverymemberofthejurywasinformed.Roisinsquinted.OnheriPhonescreenwasapooemojisticker,withheartsforeyesandlargegrin.Asortofjaunty,laughingturd,abrownMrWhippy.Unfortunately,Roisincouldseehowhishearts-for-eyescouldbeconstruedastactlessjoyinbeholdingsomething.
‘Fourteeninarow,’Ginasaid,inastagewhisper,asifthenumberhadIlluminatisignificance.
Noneofthemknewwhattosayascomfort.RoisinguessedGinamustknowitwasacock-upbuthadbeentryingtodecipherthemeaninglongenoughthatherjanglednerveshadturneditintoconspiracy.Everytimeherphonepinged,sheratchetedupanothernotch.Jetfuelcouldn’tmeltsteelbeamsandMattcouldn’thavemissentacoiledpileofanthropomorphicfaeces.
‘Howcoulditnothavebeenamistake?’Mattsaid.‘WhatmessagewouldIhavebeenconveyingwiththosepictures?They’renonsensical!’
‘I’msupposedtobelieveyousentthistome,bychance,afterwhathappenedlastnight?!Bitofacoincidence,’Ginascoffed.
‘Notexactlyacoincidence!’Mattwasflushedthecolourofbeetrootraita.‘Ihadmyphoneopentomessageyouearlier.Icouldn’tthinkwhattosay.Ididn’tsendanything.Iputmyphoneaway.Imusthaveputitinmypocketunlocked,andthen…pushedonit.’Hegesturedwithopenpalmsathistrouserarea,inhisseatedposition.
‘You’remakingexcusesbecausethejokehasmisfired!BecauseI’vecalledyououtinfrontofeveryone!’
‘I’mnot!WhythehellwouldIsendyouapictureoflaughingshit?!’
‘Idon’tknow!YOUTELLME!’Ginabellowedatthetopofherlungs.Sheranfromtheroom,makingaudiblenoisesofdistress.
Apalldescended.
‘Idon’tknowifIshouldgoafterher?’Mattsaid,lookinggenuinelyupset.‘Idon’tknowhowtoexplainifshe’sgoingtoinsistitwasintentional?’
Meredithputdownhereggandbaconrollandalsostood,wipingherhandsonapieceofkitchenpaper.
‘You’llmakethingsworseifyougouptoher.Iwilltalktoherandfixit.GinawillbeOKforthewalkin’–shecheckedherwatch–‘halfanhour’stime.Thisismypledge.But,Matt,whileIknowyoudidn’tmeananyharm,please,nomoreincidental…incidents?Giveheraswerveentirely,untilshe’scalmeddown.Andeveryoneleavemybapplease,Iamcomingbackforit.’
‘Thanks,Meredith.Reallyappreciateit,’saidacrestfallenMatt.
Meredithheadedoff.Theconvivialatmospherehaddissipatedlikeaneedlescratchinajukeboxsoundeffect.
‘Bitoffreshairwillsortthisout,it’llbeoverbylunchtime,’Devsaid,consolingly,toMatt.‘YouknowGinaadoresyou,she’sabsolutelybesottedwithyou.’
Roisincringed.
‘Shecan’tstayradgeforlong.’
HetoastedMattwithaBloodyShame,stirringitwiththestickofceleryandgulping.
Silencefell.
Inhis‘puppyinthechinashop’way,Dev’sinstincttowardsgenerousoverstatementhad,onthisoccasion,merelystatedfacts.He’dnodoubtbeentryingfora‘thinkstheworldofyou’blandishment,offthecuff,andinsteadhadinadvertentlyspelledoutthethingtheyneversaid.
‘It’shardtoknowwhattosaytoherwhenshethinksI’dhurtheronpurpose,’Mattsaideventually,soundingslightlyhoarse.
‘SimplystopattackingGina’smentalhealthbyaccident,then,’Joesaid.
‘Cheers,’Mattsaid.‘Greattohaveyourpositiveinput,asalways.Amanwhohimselfhasneversufferedatecherror,I’msure.’HeraisedhiseyestomeetJoe’sdirectly,hisangerfinallybreakingthesurfaceofthewater.Joepurposelyavoidedmeetingit,moppingupsomeeggyolkwithhiscrust.
‘Well,theunsavouryoglingpoofarceisdefinitelynotGina’sfault.’
‘Yeah,andyou’reneverslowtopointoutmyfaults.Iwonderwhy.’
Joeshrugged.RoisinsensedJoefeltamixtureofsatisfactionandapprehensionatMatt’shostility.Likeakidpushingtheirluck,anglingforatellingoff,andfeelingjustalittlescaredatfinallygettingone.
Mattstoodup,abandoninghishalf-eatenbreakfast.Hetookhisplatetothesinkinatensesilence.
‘IknowImesseduplastnight,butasifI’dharassherwhenIknowshe’supset.Iseveryone’sopinionofmereallythisbad?’
‘Nonono,mate,notatall,’DevsaidandAnitachorused,‘No!’
Roisinsaidforcefully,‘Ofcoursenot.You’dneverbeunkindtoGina.’
Joewaspointedlysilent.
ShefeltthetruthofMeredith’swords,nevertheless.Deliberateornot,Matthadthoroughlyuseduphishonestmistakesquota.16
Truetoherword,MeredithhadasubduedbutcooperativeGinaathersideastheyassembledbytheouthousesfortheirwalk.Roisinwasrelievedtoseeherinabetterstate;she’dhadvisionsoftheirhearinganengineandleapinguptoseeEthelredtearingawaytowardsthehorizon.However,GinawasstilltreatingMattasifhewasradioactive.Heloiteredatadistance.
Devinsistedongoingintosayhellotothehens,whoweremuchlessinterestedinsayinghitoDevandcrowdedintoafarcorner,cluckingirasciblyattheintrusion.
‘Theyhaveagroundskeeper-typeguywhopopsintwiceadaytofeedthem,’Devsaid.
‘Canyouimaginewhathethinksoftheabsolutenobbersthatregularlypileintothisplace?’Joesaid.‘Hoppingfromthehelicopter,bustingouttheFreixenetandsprayingitallovertherooster.’
‘Norooster.SirDrumstickrecentlypassed.’Devtouchedhisforehead,chestandbothshouldersinacross.‘You’dknowabouthimifhewasstillwithus,I’mtold.Screechedthejointdownatdawn.’
‘Washisdeathamurder?’Roisinasked.
‘SirDrumstick,Iloveit,’Meredithsaid.
‘Tasteless,’Ginasniffed.
‘Why?’Joesaid.
‘Becauseit’sacutofmeat!LikecallinghimLordKFC.’
‘Ahyeah,Iseewhatyoumean,’Joesaid.‘Likeprawnsdon’tthinkofthemselvesaslollipops.’
HegrinnedandGinapushed,ineffectuallyandcoquettishly,athisshoulder.
Shealonewonaconciliatory,warmertonefromhim.Allinall,Roisinwasgratefulthatsomeonedid.
‘Also,whoareyoucallingnobbers?’Anitasaid,gesturingatherlilacmaribou-trimskirt.Roisinwaskeentoseeherweddingdress:shecouldonlyimagineasortofTimBurtonfilmlevelofkitschdrama.Aheaddress.
‘Othernobbers,obviously,’Joesaid.‘Nouveau,boozynobberswho’verolledinfromthecity.Notclassybighouseappreciators,likeus.’
Theysetoffdowntothelake,andDev’soptimismwasn’tmisplaced:theweaksunandlightbreezedidfeelasifitwasblowingfreshairthroughRoisin’smindandbody.
AnitathoughtfullyseizedonGinaandmarchedheroutahead,sotheMattissuewasn’tanissue.DevfelllockstepbetweenJoeandMatt,arosebetweentwothorns,andMeredithandRoisinfoundthemselvesattherear.Actually,RoisinfeltMeredithwasstickingtohersidepurposely.
‘Whatdoyouthinktothis,then?’Meredithsaid,aftertenminutesorso.
‘This?’Roisincastalookbackatthehouse.‘Minibreaklocation?’
‘No,theweirdness.’
‘Theweirdnessof…us?Thatsoundslikethetitleoftheworstromcomever.’
‘Theweirdnessofthemoodsincewe’vearrived.It’sasifeveryone’spretending.Notmeandyou,obviously.’
RoisinsuspectedMeredithmeantapartfromtheroaringtensionbetweenyouandJoe
‘Iknowwhatyoumean.Ifeltawfuladmittingittomyself,butGina’sstreakingwasthefirstauthenticmomentofenjoymentI’vehad.’
‘Samehere.Odd,isn’tit?’
‘Perhapsit’stiming.Fewpressurescomingtoahead.’
‘DevandAnitahadahugeblow-uplastmonth.’
‘Didthey?’Roisinstoppeddead,loweringhervoice,eventhougheveryoneelsewaswayinfront.‘IthoughttheywereonCloudNine.’
‘Ithinktheyare,butCloudNinehasaringroadtrafficjam.Iwantedyouradviceaboutit,actually.Imightnotgetthechanceagain.Ihaveamoralquandary.’
‘Goon.’
‘IwasoutonaworksdolastmonthatTheAlchemist,andIseeDevandAnitainacorner.BeforeIcansayhello,Iseethey’rearguing.TotheextentthatAnitagetsuptostormout.I’mthinking,right,Iwillpretendnottohaveseenthem,butunfortunately,Anitastormsrightpastme.Wemakeeyecontact,Imakeakindofgesturelikethis…’Meredithstoppedandperformedacrosshandswaving,lipzippingmimetoRoisinwhichshegatheredindicated:noworries,Isawnothing,wedon’thavetospeak.
‘OK.’
‘Sopleasenote,asfarasIknow,DevstillhasnoideaIknow.Anitathenmessagesmethedayafterandasksifwecanmeetforcoffee,butpleasedon’ttellDev.I’dreallyrathernot,inthosecircumstances,butwhatcanyoudowhenit’sanSOS.’
‘Oof.Yes.’
‘Wegoforcoffee,andshesaysthefightwasaboutthefactshewantstocomeoffherpillandtryforababybeforetheweddinginItaly.She’sgotbackgroundfactorsthatmakesherthinkitmighttakeawhile.Devisimplacablyopposedtoherendingupunabletodrinkandmorningsickatafifty-grandwedding…’
‘Fiftygrand!’Roisinhissed.
‘Oh,andtherest;Anitawasprobablysparingmethefulltruth.Overourflatwhites,Anitaconfidesinmeshe’snottakingherpill,andistellingDevsheis.Isthatbad,Meredith?Me–yes,Anita,thatisbad.’
‘Woah.’
‘Mmmhhhm.Isaidtoher,andwhatwillyoudoifyoudogetpregnant,tellhimyou’reintheonepercentfailurerate?Despitehimknowingyouwantedtotry?Shesaysno,he’llworkitout,butoncethere’sababyhe’llbeoverjoyedandmylyingwon’tmatter.’
RoisinlookedatMeredithmakingagrit-teethgesture.‘Thisisnotthewaytoembarkonparenthood.Withlies.Also,Devnotfeelingbetrayedisafuckofagamble.’
‘Yep.Itoldheritwasn’tOK.Sheshouldtakeherpill,havethewedding–she’sthirty-one,it’llbefine.ButknowingAnitatobesomewhatcapricious,Idon’tthinkthere’smuchchanceshe’lltakeit.Theadvice,orthepill.’
‘She’ssuchapartygirl,shemightactuallyregretbeingpregnantonherhoneymoon,too.WhatdidDevsay?“Anita’sverybadatanticipatinghowshe’llfeelashorttimeinthefuture”?’
‘Ohyeah.Canyons.’
Theytrudgedinquietforamoment.
‘Youstraightpeople,you’reamysterytome,’Meredithsaid.‘Mindyou,seriousrelationshipsareamysterytome,soperhapsIshouldtakeaseat.’
‘Seemstomethisisnotactuallymereconceptionadmin,’Roisinsaid,frowning.‘Thisisquitealargeandmeaningfuldifferenceofpriorities.IfAnitawantsapregnancymorethanfar-flungweddingssheshouldtellDevtoscalethewholethingdownandevenconsiderdelayingituntilafterkids.’
‘Ah,Isaidthat;nocando.HerHindufamilyareliberalbutnotthatliberal.Marriagebeforebabiesorthere’dbehelltopay.Ifshegetspregnantit’llbeGretnaGreen,acceleratorpedaltothefloor.Alotofpressuretogoagainstwishesoffiancéandfamily.’
Roisinblewoutair.‘Ifyou’vetoldAnitait’swrong,what’syourmoralquandary?’shesaid.
‘DoItellDevshe’snotonthepill?’Meredithsaid.
‘GoodGod,NO.Isthatevenaquestion?’Roisinsaid.‘OramIaself-preservingcoward?Butno.IseeonlybadoutcomesifyoubreakAnita’sconfidence.Itwasunfairofhertoburdenyouwithit.’
‘Thankyou!That’stheadviceIcamefor.ThethingIwantedtohearanyway,’Meredithlaughed.
Theystoppedtogazeoutovertherippledwater.
‘LakeComoistheproblem,youknow,’Roisinsaid,onceagainspeakingquietly,asifitwasprofanetosayitatnormalvolume.‘It’swonderfulDev’sbeensosuccessful,buttheattitudetomoneyisspirallingoutofcontrol.I’verealisedwhatitremindsmeof–thosenightsoutwherewe’dbedone,andDevwouldbangdownatrayofshotsnooneaskedforandannouncewewere“goingonsomewhere”.Therapidescalation.’
‘Thathasoccurredtome.Thathe’sgoingtoendupinhigh-rollerrehabnext,’Meredithsaid.
‘Alternativeapproach,’Roisinsaid.‘SomeonetalksDevoutofMiamiandLakeComo.Thisthenprovokesaproperhearttoheartwithhisfiancéeaboutthemarriage-babiestimetable.’
‘Someone?Goodluck,Rosh!’Meredithsaidandtheylaughed.‘Ihopeyoudon’tmindmeburdeningyou,too.You’resuchasolidpersonaboutthesethings.’
‘Honoured.’Roisinpattedherarm.
‘Youknow,lookingatthatphotoofusfromwaybackwhen,’Meredithsaid,‘remindedmeofwhatasuperstaryouare.I’venevermetanyonewho’ssuchanaturalleader,alwaysthecentreofthings,butwhohassolittleegotogowithit.Devwasourmanagerbutyouweretoo,inanunofficial,HRway.’
‘Wow,’Roisinsaid,blushing.‘Really?’
‘Uhhuh.WeallthoughtJoehadwonthelottery,thefirsttimewespiedyouholdinghands.’
‘Blimey,Mer,wheredidallthatcomefrom?!Butthankyou.’
‘Igetthefeelingyou’renothearingthingslikethatenough,’Meredithsaid,withapenetratinglook.
Roisin’smouthopenedinsurprise,andnothingcameout.
‘GIRLS!Youwaitingtodrownyourselves?!Comethefuckon!’Devroaredinthedistance,doingalittleRiverdance.
Theylaughedandmovedon,andRoisinwasgrateful,asshehadnoideawhatshe’dhavefoundtosay.17
AstheSaturdaynightmealwasinhonourofGina’srecentbirthday,Ginachosethemenu.Shewasveryenthusiasticaboutthis,takingchargeofthecooking.Otherswerelessenthusiastic.
‘Dreadingit,ifI’mhonest,’Joehadsaid,aweekprior.‘I’mnotbeingfunny,butI’veseenhowmuchGinaeats,andthere’llbenomeateither.I’mhidingYorkiesandafamilybagofWalkerssaltandvinegarinourroomforlater.’
‘Joe!’Roisinhadchided.‘She’sagreatcook.’
‘Iknow.Shemakessensationalbanquets.ForafamilyofMICE.’
‘I’vebeensavingVogueandTatlerphotosofdinnerpartiesforinspo,’Ginahadtoldthem.‘Noonecooksanymore.Basically,everyonefashionableservesaplatterofradishesandshrimpswiththetailon,withaioli,andbigbowlsofcherries.’
‘Aradish,aprawnandsomecherries.I’lltrynottogorgemyself,’Joesaid.
YetwhenGinafinallyunveiledherfullthreecourseconcepttoMeredith,AnitaandRoisininthekitchenthatlunchtime,Roisindidsilentlyponderthatitsoundedatrifleontheleanside.Ginamustlackthegreedyenzyme.
No,wait–you’rebeinginfectedbyJoe!shetoldherself.WhatdidDevteachyou?Afewthings,properlydone,ismuchbetterthananervilyassembledmishmashofadozen.
Ginarehearsedthemenu,whichincluded‘dressedredleaves’.
‘Isthatasalad,wheninUrmstonandnotUmbria?’Meredithsaid.
‘It’schicory!Isupposeleavesmeansnobluecheeseorsweetcornorranchdressing.’
‘Ranchdressing,Icouldsnortit,’Anitasaidmistily,awomanwhoseappetitewasclosertoMeredithorRoisin’s.
Therewastiramisuforafters.
‘Thegeniusofitis,itcanprettymuchallbedoneinadvance,’Ginasaid.‘Allthereistodobeforewesitdownisfryingthearanciniballs,thencookingthespaghetti.’
Hunterstartingatninemeantaneasybreezyapproachtoitwasn’twise.Ginahadtimingswrittenonascrapofpaperaffixedtothetoweringfridge:theywerehavinga‘baby’stea’startingatsix,toavoidjumpyclockwatching.
Athalffive,Roisinlitthetapercandlesonthelongmahoganytableinthegranddiningroom,surveyedthehugewindowwithitsviewontothelakebeyond,andsighed.YoucouldserveJoe’soldskintwriter’sdinnerof‘PrisonRamen’inhere(ramennoodlesplusWotsits)andit’dseemlikeafeast.
‘ReckonyoucangetDeliverootoBenbarrow?’Mattsaid,astheysatdown,hurriedlyadding,‘NotthatIwantto!’
Roisinplacedtheredtableplonkatintervalsdowntherunnerinthecentre.Ginawasn’tpresent,stillputtingthefinishingtouchestotheirballs.
‘Lol.No,ofcoursenot,’Joesaid.‘Imaginethepoorweefellacrankinghisbikeupthepath.Yourridertipwouldneedtobeaking’sransomtomakethemtakethejob.Everythingwouldbestonecold.’
‘We’vefoundtheonedrawbackofowningthisplace.Notakeaways,’Mattsaid.‘Whoknewthesuperrichcan’tgettakeaways.’
‘Yourprivatechefprobablytakesthestingoutofit,’Devsaid.
Roisinwentbacktothekitchentocollectthestarterplatesandshe,Anita,GinaandMeredithenteredcarryingthem,toapplause.
‘Porciniarancini,’Ginasaid,astheybegan.
‘Pleasingrhyming,’Mattsaid,andshesmiledathimbeforerememberingshecurrentlyhatedhim,herfacetwitchinganddroppinginacomicalmanner.
‘Reallynice,G,’Roisinsaid,afterafewmouthfuls.‘Icansaythiswithoutself-praisingbecauseIwasonlyinvolvedtangentially.’
‘Reallygood,’everyonemurmuredinagreement.
‘Greatballsoffire!’Devsaid,havingcaughtanespeciallymoltenlavabitofgruyere,grabbingforhiswater.
Itdidn’ttakeverylongtoconsumetwoofthemandRoisinonceagainregrettednottakinganinterestinthedecisionsonscaleintheprecedingweeks.HerjobmeantthegroupWhatsAppoftenpingedawayforanhourbeforeshewasabletolookatherphone.
‘That’sleftmepleasantlypeckishformymain,’JoesaidtoRoisin,whogloweredathimassheclearedtheplates.
MeredithandRoisinwerethrashingthemenatpool,whileAnitawasofftaking‘moodboard’photosofthehouse,untilGinaappearedinthedoorwayofthegamesroom,lookingagitated.
‘CanIborrowyou?’shesaidtothewomen.
Sheledthembacktowardsthekitchen,wailing,‘thespaghetti’snotfuckingcooking!’
Theybrokeintoatrotacrossthehallwaytokeepupwithherspeed.
‘Itmustbe,it’llbesomeposhbronzedyedstuffthatneedslonger,that’sall,’Meredithsaid.
‘Tryit!’Ginasaid,gesturingatthedouble-handledmegapanontheAgahob
Meredith,andRoisineachhook-a-duckedastrandoutoftherollingboilandchewedcontemplatively,preparingtotellGinainmeltdownmodethatitwasmerelyaldenteandexactlyhowtheItalianseatit
Ugh.Roisinhadtoagree,itwaslikechewingachalkyshoelace.Ittastedraw.Hotandraw.
‘Anotherfifteenminutes,it’llbereet,’saidMeredith,lookingsimilarlydoubtful.‘Howlong’sithad?’
‘Halfanhour!Morethan!’Ginascreeched.
‘Anysecondnow,honestly,’Meredithsaid.‘Let’shaveawineandwaititout.’
Shesloshedredintothreefreshglasses.
‘Ifit’snotcookedinhalfanhour,Idon’tseewhyabitlongerisanyguarantee,’Ginasaid,andRoisinthoughtshehadapoint.
‘Let’snotpanic,’Meredithsaid,stoutly.‘Here,’shelookedatthewallclock.‘Testingagain,atdeadonhalfseven.Theladscanplayanothergameofpool.’
Thealcoholhadtherequiredsedativeeffectastheychatted,anditwasclosertoquartertoeightwhentheyrememberedtotryit.Theychewedgingerlythistime,inforeboding:yep,stubbornropesofinediblesemolina.
‘FORFUCK’SSAKE!’Ginasaid.‘Whatarewegoingtodo?Joe’sshowisonatNINE!WhyhavetheysoldmeTWATSPAGHETTI!’
Roisinlookedanxiouslyattheclock.ShedidnotwantanagitatedGinatryingtoladleoutadinneroftwatspaghettiatawhiskertoninep.m.,Joerefusingtostayandeat,andanotherhugefight.Gina’smoodfeltknifeedgeasitwas
‘OK.Ithinkwehavetoacceptthepastamaynotcook,oritmaybesomestrangemasochist’svarietythatisnevergoingtotastecooked,’Roisinsaid.‘Contingencyplan.Meredith,anyotheroptions,carbohydratewise?’Roisinasked.
‘Bread.Lotsofloavesofbread,andtwobagsofovenchips,’Meredithsaid.‘IthinkDevusedthepotatoesupinhissaagaloo.’
‘Howabout…bruschetta,usingthetomatosauce,andaloadofchips,andthesalad?’Roisinputherhandsup.‘Callmeagoblin,butI’deatit.’
‘Yes!’Meredithsaid.‘Also,wehavebutterandgarlic?Garlicbread!’
Roisinmadeafistpumpgesture.
‘What’severyonegoingtothinkatmeservingthemfuckingTOAST?!’Ginasaid.
‘Delighted.It’sfashionablesimplicity,liketheradishes,’Roisinsaid.‘I’llfetchAnita.’
Roisin,MeredithandAnitaworkedhardtogiveGinaasenseofBlitzspiritjollityinthefoodtheyputout,butRoisincouldseeGinawascrushedbythedinnerbork.
Thelesssaidabouttheprofanitiessheunleashedwhentheyfinallygaveup,drainedandbinnedtheMagicalNever-CookSpaghetti,thebetter.
‘I’msendingthatdelithemotherofallcustomercomplaintemails!’shestormed.‘Theywillgazeintomyabyss!’
‘Whenyou’resoberthough,yes,’Meredithsaid.‘Idon’twantyougoingdomesticterroristontheonlyplaceIcangetburrata.’18
RoisindecidedthattwoofthemostbeautifulwordsintheEnglishlanguagewere‘makeahead’.ShegaverealpraisetoGodforthebeautyofthesafelyassembledandrefrigeratedpudding.
Themaincoursewasatenseexperience,butthetiramisuatleasttastedwonderful.Therewasnothinglikeaheftybowloffat,cocoaandsugarforreconcilingyoutoyourcurrentcircumstances.Roisincouldfeelhercalmandstoicismincreasingasshetookherfirstmouthfuls.
‘ThisisthebesttiramisuI’veeverhad,’MattsaidtoGina,‘AndI’vehadtiramisueverywhere.’
‘Ibetyouhave,’Joesaid.
‘Thankyou,’Ginasaid,withoutmeetingMatt’seye.
‘Noone’sgoingtotalkaboutDoshi’sboringcurriesafterthis.’Devraisedhisglassofcranberryjuice.‘Gina’sItalianbanquetsmashedit.ToGina.Happybelatedbirthday,beautiful.Weloveyou.’
Theyraisedtheirglassesandrepeated‘weloveyou’asGinacasthereyesdown,PrincessDianastyle,andsaidthankyou.
‘Eyup,havewegotvisitors?’Joesaid,turninginhisseat.
Intheencroachingdusk,thepanoramaaffordedbythediningroomwindowsmeanttheycouldseetheheadlightsonanapproachingvehicleamileoff.‘Amileoff’wasbarelyafigureofspeech,infact.
‘Isthatcarcominghere?’Anitasaid,bouncingupfromherseatandtwitchingbackacurtain.‘It’safancylookingRangeRoverthing.’
GiventheonlypossibledestinationwasBenbarrowHall,theyweresooncrowdingthewindowincuriosity.
‘Ownerprobablydoesspotcheckstogetalookatwhetheryou’retrashingtheplace,’Joesaid.
‘Doubtit,’Devsaid.‘Theymakearightsonganddanceaboutleavingyoutodoyourthinginprivacyandonlyhavingthatmanheretofeedthehens.Mademewonderiftheygethiredforfetishpartiesorsomething.’
‘Maybethey’relost?’Ginasaid.
TheJeeppulleduponthegraveloutsideandsatidlingforamoment,thentheenginesnappedoff.
Amangotoutoftheback,indarksuit,blackt-shirtandposeur’ssunglasses.Hewalkedtheperimeterofthecarbeforeopeningtheotherpassengersidedoor.Everyoneatthediningroomwindowlookedateachother.
‘OhmyGod,whatifthey’rehitmen?’Ginasaid.
‘Hitmenhiredbywho?’Joesaid.Then,underhisbreath,‘FoodStandardsAgency.’
Roisincranedherheadabovethegroup,meerkat-esque,togiveJoeaSHUTITlook.Luckily,Ginawasconcentratingontheunexpectedguests.
‘Orwecouldbedoublebooked?’Roisinsaid.
‘Nah,’Joesaid.‘Theycanseelightsonandit’sSaturdayevening.WhohiresanywherefromSaturdayevening?Dev,levelwithus.Didyougetusadultentertainers?’
‘OhmyGod,formybirthday!MagicMikeXXL!’Ginascreeched,clappingherhands.
Anauburn-hairedwoman,alsoinsunglasses,emergedfromthebackseatofthecar,cladinwhiteshirt,greyskinnyjeansandtoweringtanplatformsandals.Herfigurewasnarrowyethadfemininecurves,likeastylisedfashionbooksketch.Shebentdownbytheopencardoorandpattedherkneesatsomeoneunseen,stillinsidethecar.
‘MagicMichaelaXXL,’Joesaid.‘Thingsarelookingup.’
‘Oh,fuckinghell,’Mattexclaimedloudly,joltingthemalltoattention.Hetoreoutofthediningroom,offintothecavernoushall.
Theytookasplitsecondtoexchangeglancesandraceafterhim.
Ontheothersideofthearchedfrontdoor,theysawtwomen,theseconddressedmuchlikethefirst,standingbythevehicle.
‘Comeon,Granville.Comeon.That’sit!Yes!’thered-headedwomanwassaying,stillbendingandpattingherknees.
Asmall,lowslungandchunkybreedofdogdisgorgedhimselffromthecar,pantinghard.Thewomangatheredhimintoherarmsandfinally,turnedtolookupatthem.
‘Where’sMatthew?’shesaid,pushingherglassesupontoherheadandsurveyingthem.Notaverycharminggreeting,Roisinthought.Regal,almost.Matthew?ThesewereMatt’sfriends?
‘Ah,thereyouare!Surprise!Granville,wavetoMatthew!’Shemanipulatedthedog’spawtowaggleupanddown.Shehadafunnyaccent:clearasabell,aristocraticEnglishyetwithasingy-songy,transatlantictwang.
‘Whatareyoudoinghere?!’Mattsaid.
Roisinlookedoverathimtoassesshisresponse.Hewassopalewhite,hewastingedwithacitrusyellow.
‘YouknowhowweweresayingIhadnotimeoffbeforeMexico?’thewomansaid.‘Ihadthistotalmomentof“lightbulb”–I’llswingbythehouseparty.HaveIsurprisedyou?!’Shesaidthisnotapologetically,butwiththedelightofsomeonewaitingtobepraised.
‘Yes,justabit.Howdidyouevenrememberwhatthenameofthehousewas?’
‘Youlookedituponmyphonewhenyoushowedme,remember!Ifoundthepagewasstillopen.Feltlikeasign.’
SherearrangedthedoginherarmsasifcradlingaBabyJesus.Gosh,shereallywasbeautiful,Roisinthought.Notcommon-or-gardenattractive;anotherworldlycreature.LikeGaladrielhadevanescedoutofTheLordoftheRingsanduptheM6.
‘Everyone,’Mattsaid,‘thisisRuby.’
‘ThisisRuby,fromHinge?’Meredithsaid,disbelievingly.Itwasn’tverypolitetomentionthedatingapp,buttheywerekneesdeepinplonkandinastateofmildshock.
‘Yes,’Mattsaid,inaflatvoice.Hedidn’tseemremotelypleasedbythecameo,morelikehewascondemnedtotrudgetothescaffold.
Rubyturnedtothetwomen.‘Bringmyluggageintothehallway,Mark.Dropitanywhere,untilwe’vechosenrooms.’
Luggage?Choosingrooms?Whoweretheentourage?
ItwasspectacularlyevidentthattheydidnothavethefullstoryofRubyfromHinge,thereversecatfish.19
‘I’llneedabedroomattheback,ifthere’soneonthatsideofthehouse,’RubysaidtoMatt,asiftherewereonlytwoofthempresent,asopposedtoeightofthemroundthediningtable,havingfiledbackinforapuddingthathadbeenunfortunately,yetinevitably,abandoned.Plus,theirnumberincludedapedigreedogandtwomenwholookedlikeagentsfromTheMatrixroamingsomewhereinthebowelsofthehousebeyond.
‘MarkandTedwillneedrooms,too,butIpresumeyouhaveplentyofspace.Isthiseveryone?’Shesurveyedthestupefiedgalleryoffaces.
Youpresumequitealot,huh,Roisinthought.
Mattwentroundthetable,pointingandrecitingtheirfirstnames,asRubystared.
‘Ican’tbearoundphones,I’mafraid,’RubysaidtoGina,whowastoyingwithheriPhoneasadisplacementactivity.‘Ifyouwouldn’tmind,just…’
Shepointedwithbothherindexfingers,downthelengthofthetable,shakingthemlightly,likeanairhostessindicatingwheretheaislelightswere.
‘What?’Ginasaid,notunreasonably.
‘Ican’thavephonespresent,ifyoudon’tmind.Nocameras.Nophotos.Easiesttosayphonesaway.Peopleforget.’
Rubyreturnedtowhisperingsweetnothingstothebum-facedmutt.
‘No,Idon’tunderstand.Noone’stakingphotos,’Ginasaid,andRoisinwinced.
‘Iknowyouarenottakingphotographs,’Rubysaidwithasortofsolemn,exaggeratedgraciousness.‘Youunderstand,however,it’ssimplernottoriskitatall.’
‘YoukeepsayingIunderstandwhyyoudon’twantphotos–Ireallydon’t?’Ginasaid,hertonenowopenlyquerulous.
‘I’mapersonwithaprofile,’Rubysaid.
Therefollowedapauseinwhicheveryonewonderedhowtopolitelyvocalisewhatthefuck
‘Awhat?’Ginasaid.‘Anita’sgotabigfollowingonInstagramtoo,shedoesn’tcare.’
‘ImeanI’maprominentcreative.’Sheflickedhercurtainofimmaculatecinnamonhairbackoverhershoulder.‘Oh,Granville,no!Oh,he’sshy,blesshim,’shesaid,asthedogabruptlydisembarkedfromherlapandbeganrhythmicallyheadbuttingthedoor.‘Shy’wasn’thowRoisinwouldcharacterisehisbehaviour.
Rubyhadaveryunusualmannertogowiththeuncommonaccent:sortofHeadGirlinaboardingschool,combinedwiththerigidlypoised,religioseself-certaintyofaWestCoastwellnessguru.Roisincouldimaginehersellingyouafivegrandcucumberjuiceenemainawaythatmadeitclearyouwereluckyshe’devenspeaktosomeonewithanon-saladflavouredarse.
RoisincastalookatMatt,wholookedaqueasystewofbothhideouslystressedandlightlystunned.Why?Adateinsertingherselflikethiswasembarrassing,butheseemedexceptionallyillateaseforamanwhousuallycarriedhimselfeffortlessly.
‘Doyouwantsomewineortiramisu,Ruby?’Devsaidpleasantly,theonlyonerememberingshewasaguest,albeitonewho’dfallenoutofthesky.
‘Thankyou,I’vebroughtmyownfood,’shesaid,asshesettledthepedigreedogbackonherlap.‘AndIdon’tdrink.TryingtopersuadeMatthewit’sthewaytogo.I’llgetthere…’
Shetinkledalaugh,showingamouthfulofexceptionallywhite,expensivedentistry.
‘Wasn’tyourLisbontripawinetour?’Meredithsaid.
‘Itasteandspit,’Rubysaid,pokerfaced,whichwasabsolutelybeggingforthekindofpunchlinenoonedaredsupply.
TherewassomethingaboutRubythatwasnaggingatRoisin.Asshestaredatherpeculiarlyperfect,tinyfeatures,hercreamy,shimmeringskin,sherealisedwhatitwas.Shecould,forsomereason,exactlypictureherinFortiesgarb.Pencil-thineyebrows,darklipstickdrawingacupid’sbow.Curledandpinnedhair,awartimebride’scap-likeveiloverthetop,withthevoileflowingfromearlevel.
WherehadsheseenRubybefore,andwhywoulditbefromthatera?Wasshetheworld’smostassertiveghost?TheBossyLady?HadRoisinerasedthememoryofafancydressparty?
Atonce,itcametoher:anotionthatwasabsolutely,wildlyludicrous,andatthesametime,hadthemagicslam-dunkclickoftherightanswer.No?Surely,no?
WineunlockedRoisin’smouthbeforeshecouldstopherself.‘Uhm.AreyouAmeliaLee?’
Noonespoke.
RubyblinkedrapidlyatRoisin,lookingalmostaffronted,asifshe’dbeencat-calledbyalairystreetpedlarinamarket.
‘Yes?Didn’tMatthewsay?’
Roisingulped.Wait.What?Wasthisreallyhappening?Shecouldn’tbe?Roisinhadsaidthedaftestthingimaginable,andthiswomanwasagreeingwithher?
‘IthoughtyournamewasRuby?’
‘Petname.Familyname.Duetothehair,’shesaid,rifflingitwithherfingertips.ShereturnedtonuzzlingGranville.
‘Fuckinghell,’Meredithsaid,andifAmeliaLeeheardher,shedidn’tshowit.20
Theairpressureintheroomdramaticallyshiftedinthewayitonlycanwheneveryonecomprehendsthatavery,veryfamouspersonispresent.
Itwasakintoaplanesuddenlyplummetingafewthousandfeetandtheoxygenmaskstumblingout.
Atleast,Roisinassumedthiswasthewayitalwayswas:thishadneverhappenedtoherbefore,unlessyoucountedthetimetheysawMickHucknallfromafarinaSpinningfieldspizzeria
Amelia‘Milly’Leewasn’trealitystarorsoapoperafamous,shewastherealdeal:cinema-marquee,name-up-in-lights,her-last-alleged-boyfriend-was-Tom-Cruisefamous.
She’drecentlymoveduptoleadrolestatus–starringinafilmaboutaWorldWarTwoseductressspythatJoeandRoisinhadseenonanow-raredatenight.Joehadpulledapartitspoorplotting–andRoisin,itssexism–inthepubafterwards.
Hereshewas,acoupleoffeetaway,askingthehiredmuscleguyinthedoorwayto‘fetchGrannyhisorganicvenisonbiltong’.
Acatfishwasaconcealedidentity?Ohhhh.Roisinyearnedtosay,Matt!Iknowwhatyoumeant!So‘Ruby’wastheHingepseudonym.Shecatfishedhimasacelebrityundercoverasacitizen.
‘WereyoureallyonHinge?’Meredithsaid,askingthequestiontheyallwantedtoask,becausefranklywhythehellnot.Roisinfeltlikeshewastrippingoffhertits.
AmeliathrewanappraisinglookatMattforhisindiscretion.‘Sure,’shesaid,flintily.‘Whynot?’
‘Don’ttheyhaveadatingsiteforfamouspeopletomeetotherfamouses?Nooffence,Matt,butyou’rejust…Matt,’Meredithsaidtohim.
MatttwingedasmileandRoisinfeltforhim.Onceagain,shecouldseehowlittleofthishe’dintended.Onceagain,itprobablywasn’tgoingtosavehimfromtheconsequences.
‘That’sRaya.I’montheretoo.’SheplayedwithGranville’searsandsnuffledhishead.‘But,letmetellyou…’Shepaused,handoutstretched,andMeredithtookabeattosussshewasmeanttosupplyhername.
‘Meredith.’
‘Meredith…therearesomeslimymotherfuckers…’SheslippedintofullAmericandrawl,foramoment.‘…outthere,whowanttodateactresses.Starfuckers,youknowwhatImean?’
Shemadeaface,likeshewasmeaningfullyconfiding.Meredithrepliedwithaterrified,automatic,‘Yes,’whichalmostgaveRoisinhysterics.
‘Itwasnicemeetingreal,downtoearth,honestguyswhowantedtomeetRuby,’Ameliaconcluded.
‘Andalso,Matt!’Joesaid,tryingforhisfirstJoePowellishwitticismsinceherarrival.
Ameliasimplystaredathim,likehe’dguffed.
‘Wouldanyofyoumindterriblyifweclosedthecurtains?’Ameliasaid.‘Iverymuchdoubtanypictureagencywouldsendanyoneanywherethisremote,butit’dbesuchaboreiftheydid.’
‘Yeah,wedomind,’Ginasaidsuddenly,makingbacksstraighten.‘Wealsomindyoutellinguswecan’tuseourphones,andwhichbedroomsyouandyourbouncerswant.’
‘Bouncers?MarkismydriverandTedismysecurity,’Ameliasaid,asifthiswasapparenttoanyonewhowasn’tdeficientinfaculties.
‘Whatever,’Ginasaid.‘You’renotonlyherevisitingyourboyfriend,butyou’vealsocrashedourweekend.Youdon’tgettotelluswhattodo.’
Roisincringed,yetcouldn’tfaultGinaonanypointofaccuracy.Therefore,interveningseemedimpossible.Shesuspectedeveryoneelsehadmadethiscalculation,too.OnwhatbasisdidtheystandGinadown?Ameliawas,beinghonest,theoriginalprovocateurhere.
‘Gina,’Mattsaid,clearinghisthroat,‘it’salrightifRu—Ameliawantstostay.Right,Dev?’
‘Ofcourse!’Devsaid.
Gina,flushed,twitchedinherseatasifshe’dbeentasered.‘Saysfuckingwho?You’venotaskedtherestofus?’
‘I’venothadachance,but…’
‘AreyouandMatthewanitemofsomesort?’Ameliasaidindispassionatetone,withherperfectdiction.
‘Er.Nope,’Ginasaidquicklyandwithanastylaugh.RoisingatheredGinawasdrunkerthanshe’dthought.
‘Sorry,whatistheproblemthen?I’mnotclear,’Ameliasaid.Oneofheranonymousmenenteredtheroomandshesaid,‘Ted,closethosecurtains,wouldyou?That’sright,thoseones,thanks.’
‘DON’TYOUFUCKINGDARE,TED!’Ginascreamed,andAmelia’sdogfellontothefloorwithaplopandstartedwolf-howling.
‘Seriously,’GinastoodupandturnedtoMatt,‘howdareyou?Thisismybirthdaydo,andonceagain,you’vefuckingruinedit.You’vebroughtthisweirdnightmareinhere…’SheturnedtopointattheimpassiveOscarnominee.‘Letmeguess,Matt,youdidn’tmeantodoit.Butyouhave.Iamsosickofyouactinglikenothing’syourfault.SHEisyourfault.It’syourjobtofindhersomewheretostay,becauseshe’ssureasSHITnotstayinghere.’
Ginahadgoneamottledsalmoncolour,breathingcomingingasps.
‘Alright,it’slate,’Mattsaid,clearlyhavingoneoftheworstexperiencesofhislife,tryingtofigureouthowtotapdancethroughthecrocodileswamphe’dfoundhimselfin.‘Howabout,iftomorrow—’
Ameliainterruptedhim,turningalargegoldwatchroundonherchild-sizedwristsoshecouldseeitsface,‘Ifwecan’tstayhere,it’saboutwhat,twohourstoManchester?Buttherearen’tanyhotelsthere.’
Everyone’smouthsopenedtoquerythisassertionbeforetheyallrealisedshewasn’tsayingtherewerenohotels,buttherewerenohotels
‘FourhourstoLondon?’Ameliacontinued.
Tedleanedinandsaidsomethinginherear.
‘Fourorfive,giveortake.Matt,yougrabyourthingsandwecanbeinSohoHousebyonea.m.I’lldropNickatext,I’mamember.’
Mattsaid,‘Uhm…?’
‘Seeyououtbythecar.Granny,comeon!We’renotstaying!Comeon,Granny.’ShefishedtheFrenchBulldogoutfromunderthechairlegsandscoopedhimupintoherarms.Theyheldtheirbreathforherpartingshot,buttherewasn’tone;shesimplylefttheroomwithoutfurtheracknowledgingtheirpresence.
Asilencefellovertheparty.EvenJoePowellcouldn’tfindthequiptobreaktheastonishment.
‘Dev,it’ssuperrudeofmetoleavewithher.Idon’tknowhowelsetofixthis,though.DoyouwantmetotellherI’mstaying?’Mattsaid.Herubbedathistempleandlookedlikehewasgrindinghisteeth.
‘Yes,itisrude,butwedon’twantyoutostay!’Ginasaid.Then,checkingherself,‘Idon’twantyouto,anyway.’
‘Gina!Mattisasmuchapartofthisweekendasanyofus,’Roisinsaid.
‘Yes,’Meredithagreed.‘Settledown,G.Thisisn’tMatt’sfault.’
‘QUELLESURPRISE!’Ginaroared,clampingherwineglasstoherface.
‘Idon’twanttospoilthings,’Mattsaid,withapointedlooktowardsRoisinandMeredith.Theygraspeditsmeaning.ItwasclearGinaandMatt’sriftwasn’tgoingtobehealedovernight,asecondtime,andifheremained,themoodwaslikelyfatallypoisoned.
‘Mate,youdowhateveryouwant!’Devsaid.‘Nohardfeelings.Yourgalisabitofatornado,hah.’
‘YourgalisabitALISTFAMOUS.Whatonearth,Matt?’Meredithsaid.‘Ourmindsarefucked,here!Awarningwould’vebeennice?’Shesmiled.
‘Iwasworkinguptoit,’Mattsaid,ratherbrokenly.‘Ididn’tthinkthebigrevealtherewastimesensitive.Dev,I’msosorry–Ineverthoughtforamomenttellingherwherewewerestayingwouldmeanshe’dtakeitasaninvite.Herschedule’snuts,Ididn’tevenknowshewasintheUK.’
‘Areyoukidding,stopapologising!Thisisanall-timekillerbrag.’
‘OK.Bye,then,’Mattsaid,barelymeetingtheireyesasheleft,tomutteredfarewells.
Roisinwantedtosaysomethingsupportive,butwithGinaonherlastnerve,shedidn’tdaresaymorethan,‘Bye,takecare.’
Afterabeat,theyshamelesslyreassembledbythewindowtospectate,theJeepnowwithtail-lightsonandonedooropen.EventuallyMattwalkedintoview,dressedlikehipDoctorWhoagain,headphonesroundhisneck.
Heglancedatthediningroomwindowandraisedapalm.
‘It’slikehe’sgettingintoaspaceship,’Anitasaid.‘Withanalien.’
‘Goodbye,MatthewMcKenzie,’Joesaid,waving.‘Yourpassingleavesahugehole.’
‘Lessonlearned,’Devsaid.‘AlwaysworthcheckingexactlywhoMattisdating.Nexttimehesays“Kylie”,I’mgoingtobelike“MinogueorJenner?”’
Except,Roisinthought,hadJoenotstoppedMatt’sreversecatfishreveal,theywould’veknown.
Andshenoticed,saveonepieceofsass,JoehadbeenunusuallyrestrainedaroundAmeliaTornado.Sheguesseditwasbecausehispreciouscareerprohibitedbeingsarcasticallyinsultingtoverywell-knownactresses.Gamerecognisedgame.
‘Didthishappen?I’mshaking,’Roisinsaid,asthecardroveawayandadrenalinestartedebbingbackoutofherveins.‘DidAmeliaLeeturnouttobeMatt’slatestgirlfriend,andGinatoldhertogofuckherself?DidIreallysay:“areyouAmeliaLee?”likeatotalmelt?IfeltlikeI’daskedsomeoneintheMafiaiftheywereintheMafia.Somethingyoudon’teverdo.’
‘Gladyoudid,’cosuntilthenIwasgoingtogowithjewelthief,’Anitasaid.‘Ithoughtshemightbeontherun.Nophotos!’
‘Ifit’sahallucination,Imusthaveeatenthesamehashcake,’Meredithsaid,puttingherarmsroundRoisin.‘Oh,MissWalters,makeitmakesense.’
Withoutneedingtocommunicatetheirnextthoughts,theylookedateachotherinconcern,andoveratGina,whowassaloon-in-a-westernsploshingmorewineintoherglass,whilemakingaslyfaceRoisincouldonlyclassifyas‘Fleabag’.
MuchasGinahadchewedMattoutforhisfelonies,Roisinfeltsureshe’dfeelevenworsethanhimtomorrow,psychicallyaswellasphysically.
‘Joe!Thetime!’Anitasaid,lookingatherphone.‘Hunterstartsinfiveminutes!Everyone,getyourdrinks,we’regoingtothescreeningroom!’
‘It’sgoingtofeellikesomethingofananti-climaxnow,isn’tit?’Joesaid.‘Talkaboutahardacttofollow.’
Veryrecently,Roisinwould’vesaidthisstatementfromJoewasfalsemodesty.Butfrankly,hecouldberight.21
RoisinhadnodetailaboutHunter,beyondtheskeletonofthepremiseandthecasting.She’dbeeninvolvedineveryspitandcoughofSEEN,butJoewasfullylaunchednow,hadasmallarmyofprofessionalstogivehimnotes.Hedeservedsomespace.
Inlast-minuteregret,astheytooktheirseatsinBenbarrow’splushscreeningroom,Roisinwonderedwhatshe’dthoughtwascharmingandrelaxedmight’veinfactbeenrecklesstothepointofnegligent.
‘It’sreallyquitefilthy,’Joesaidtothem,proudly.Roisinfeltsuddenlysick.Filthy?ShecouldreallydowithoutherGCSEkidsseeingfilthy.Whatiftherewassomedreadfultalkingdirty,orBadSexAward,purplescene?Whydidshefeelsuchalackoffaith?Wassheaprude?OK,she’dknownitwasabouta‘sexaddict’,butitwasn’tporn,so.SheverystupidlyatlastcaughtonthattherewerestillseveraldegreesofheatbetweenU-ratedandX-rated.Thedevilwasinthedetail.
‘Ihopeyoulikeit,’Joesaidtotheroom.‘Nopressure!’
‘Weareguaranteedtoloveit,’Devsaid.
WhatevershowwasfinishingbeforeHuntercrackledintolifeinfrontofthem,ineight-foot-wideHD.MeredithopenedchocolatepeanutsandLiquoriceAllsortsandtriedtogetabladderedGinatohavesome.
Anitarejoinedthem,havingbeenprojectionist.‘Oh,Joe!Iamabagofants,sowhatmustyoubelike!’
RoisinreallywishedshecouldsharetheireuphoriaforJoe,insteadofbeingeatenupbyanxiety.
ThismustbehowtheparentsofactorsfeltwhentheiroffspringwasplayingHamlet.Stopthis,shetoldherself.You’rehavingstagefrightbyproxy.It’sgoingtobeamazing.Breathe.
ShesqueezedJoe’sarmandsmiledathiminthedark.Hesmiledback,slippedhishothandintohersandsqueezed,letgo.Itwasthetenderestmomentthey’dhadinalongwhile.
Thescreenwentblack.Afriendly,youthful,andnorthern-accentedfemalevoicesaid,inaconfidentialtone:
NowonBBC2.Anewseriesfromthewriter-creatorofSEEN.Getreadyfortherule-breaking,fourth-wall-breaking,case-crackingHUNTER.Pleasebeawarethatthisprogrammecontainsscenesofasexualnatureandstronglanguagefromthebeginning.
A‘wahey!’roarwentup.Roisin’sstomachcramped.
Thescreenfilledwithagroupofthirty-somethings,laughingovernightcapsinafashionablerestaurant.
‘IsthattheplaceinDidsbury?’Devsaid.Then,‘Shit,sorry,notalking!I’llsaveittotheend!’
Thecameratightenedinonthegood-lookinglead.ThecharacterJasperHunterwasplayedbyaleonine,much-lusted-afterthirty-year-oldactorcalledRufusTate,whowashoveringatthatleveloffamebetweenindiedarlingandprime-timeheartthrob.
Hehadhisarmroundadoe-eyedgirl,acherubicallyprettybrunettecalledBecca.Thegroupwereteasingthemaboutrecentlygettingengaged,Jasperbeingaworkaholicmisanthropewho’dfinallyacceptedhewanted‘thechocolateLabandtherosesroundthedoor.’
‘OraNespressomachinewiththepodsatleast,’hesaid.
‘Speakingofwhich.Jas.Weshouldgo,’thebrown-eyedgirlfriendhissedbehindapalm.‘They’rewipingdownthecoffeemachineparts.’
Roisingulpedhardasthenatureoftheensembleemerged.Long-termgirlfriend,sweetlysteadyinnaturewithanarchturnofphrase.Apunkilydressed,forthrightlesbian,Victoria;aloud,confidentIndianlad,Avi…apetiteblonde,Gwen,barelylacedintoahalternecktop,whoseemedtobeBecca’sbestfriend.
Onscreen,outsidetherestaurant,whatRoisinthoughtofastheFictionalBrianClubgroupclamberedintoataxi.
Momentslater,Jasperleanedforwardandcalledtothedriver,‘Canyouletmeouthere,please?’
‘Fuckit.Forgotmyscarf,’hesaidtotheotheroccupants.‘I’llgoback.’
‘Areyousure?Lookslikeitmightrain,’saidBecca.
‘Nah,honestly.Yougoon.I’dlikethetimetosoberup.’
Hegrinnedandbangedthedoorshut,watchingthetaxiroundthecorner.Handsthrustinpockets,hewalkedbacktotherestaurant.
Theseriesingenerallookedlustrous,Roisinnoted:ManchestershottolooklikeNewYork.Itwasdarkandrainy,inaBladerunnerway.
Onarrivalattherestaurant,Jasperseesthelightsaredimandthedoorsarelocked.Hecupshiseyestopeerthroughtheglassandrapsonthedoor.Thenhetriesthehandle:it’snotlocked.
Hestepsinside.
Theplaceisdesertedbutforastrikinglyattractivewaitresswithasharplycut,LouiseBrooksbleachedbob,whowasglimpsedbringingtheirespressosearlier.
Shestopsmovingatthesightofhim,herhandsholdingabroom.Thecameralasciviouslyzerosinonherslenderfingerswithdarkredmanicure,grippingandunfurlingroundthebroomhandle.ItcutsbetweenJasper’sfaceandhers.
‘Hi,’hesays,polite-reticent.‘I…thinkIleftmyscarfbehind?Ah.Thereitis.’
Hedrawsitoutfromthebackofachair,putsiton.Shecocksherheadtooneside,watchinghim.
‘I’mnotsureblue’syourcolour,tobehonest,’thewaitresssays,inafelinevoice.
‘Really?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Ialsosawyoutakethatscarfoffandleaveitonpurpose.’
‘That’dbeastrangethingtodo.’
‘Wouldn’tit.’
Ajumpcut:tothesoundofgruntingandgasping,thecamerapansoverthetopofabathroomstall,whereJasperandthewaitressaregoingatitlikeknives.Thebird’s-eyeangleogleshischestandherpush-upbra.
‘Whatdoesthismean?’Jaspergasps,puttinghishandonatattooonhershoulder.Ithasaseriesofnumbers,nexttoatinycrescentmoonandatinysun.
‘Privatejoke,’shesays,catchingherbreathandsmiling.
Jaspergrinswolfishlyandkissesher.
Inthenextcut,he’saloneintherestauranttoilet,lookingathimselfinthemirroroverthesink.
‘Iknowwhatyou’rethinking,’Hesaystohisreflection,tothecamera.‘Why?Well,notwhy,youknowwhy.’Heripsapapertowelfromadispenser.‘Theheartlikescommitment,andthelibidolikesnovelty.Whatyou’rereallythinkingishow.Howcouldyou.Therearetwothingstoknowaboutme.’Jasperpullsopenthedoorandturnstolookdirectlyatthecamera.‘Idon’tfeelguilt.AndI’lldoitagain.’22
ThescreeningroomonceagaineruptedinexcitementandRoisincouldfeelJoecracklingwithpleasureatthereception.
Roisinwasconsciousofherfrozenpositioninherseat,notwantingtotwitchormoveaninchincaseitbetrayedherfeelings.Whichwere:tumultuous.ThevoicewassounmistakeablyJoe’s,shethought.Theattitude.
Underneathherhair,atthenapeofherneck,shewasdampwithsweat.
Greydaytime.Jasper’svoiceover:
Manchester,atthestartofthetwenty-firstcentury.Capitalofthenorth.Banishyourpreconceptions.It’snotjustferalyouth,spicecasualtiesandoldpramsincanals…Myjobisprettymuchallthat,though.WelcometodetectiveworkintheManchesterMet.
Laughterinthescreeningroom.
‘OhJoe,you’renotgoingtobeabletodrinkanywherebytheendofthis,areyou?’Devsaid.‘Sorry,shhhshhh.’
Jasperwalksalongthecitystreetsbacktohiscar,speakingtothecameraagain,inaheightenedrealitywherenoneoftheordinarypeoplestreamingpasthimcanhearhim.
‘WhydoIcheat?It’sinterestingwecallit“cheating”,isn’tit.It’scalledcheatingbecauseit’snotobservingtherulesofagamethatwe’reforcedtoplay.Orifnotforced,heavilycoerced.Ifsocietymakeshonestynearimpossible,peoplewillchoosedeceit.Youdon’tchangehumannature,onlyitsavenuesofexpression.It’salwaysbeenthisway.’
Whatanarseholesmanifestothisis,Roisinthought.Wasshetooclosetothewritertojudgeitfairly?Shedidn’tknow.Possiblymoreliketoodistantfromthewriter.
Jaspertoldthecamerathatyourpartneralwayshasthatonesexyfriendwhois,evenforamanofhisloosemorals,completelyofflimits.Jesus.Thanks,Joe.Roisinwantedtodie.
SheglancedatthebackofGina’sheadinfrontofher.Shewonderedwhatshewasthinking;thoughtobefair,Ginawasinnofitstatetobeviewinganything,muchlessinterpretingit.
Thewholeshow,Roisinthought,wasmeanttobesocerebral,eroticandknowing,andcameofftoherlikeHornyFerrisBueller.
Whiletakingnotesaboutthelastcorpse,Jaspersees,tohisshock,thatthedeadgirlhasadistinctivetattooonhershoulder…
TheepisodeendedwithyoungJasperinflashback.Hecreepsdownforaglassofmilkinthenightandseeshisfatherdancingwithawomanbythestereo,butashefollowsothernoises,seeshismumisinaclinchwithamanonthekitchentable,feetinhighheelsdangling…
Roisinsatboltuprightinherseat.What?WHAT?
Herfleshwaspricklinganddampwithsweat.
Overthesightofchild-Jasper’sface,theopeningchordsofMetallica’s‘EnterSandman’boomedoutviathespeakersinthecushionedspace.
Thegroup,barRoisin,eruptedintocheersandair-punching.
‘Seriously?!“EnterSandman”?!’Devbellowed.‘Howmuchdidthatcost,youabsoluteballer?!’
‘Theymadeitclearitwasquiteatreat,’Joesaid,almostdeliriouswiththefusshewasreceiving.‘Didyoulikeit?’
‘C’mere,I’vegottohugyou.Incredible,mate.Can’tbelieveit.Yousmashedit.’
Roisinclappedweakly,withclammypalms.
ItwasforthebestthatotherpeoplewereheretogiveJoethepraisehesought.Roisincouldn’thavemanagedawordofit.23
Roisinstaredatthebed’scanopyinthethindawnlight,astheminutestickedby.
Eventuallyshegraspedforherphoneonthenightstandandlookedatthetime.4.58a.m.HalfanhourbeforeJoe’salarm.Shewasincontrovertiblyconscious.Thekindofbrain-abuzzstatethatmakesitcleartoyouthatifyoutrytofightit,you’llonlyliesweating,mindracing.
Shehadwokenupwithperfectclarityaboutwhathadtohappen.Roisinhadbeenfrettingandsecond-guessingandwhatif-ingandithadcometoahead.Shehadconfusedloyaltyandforbearancewithadeterminationtostaystuckinthepast,ratherthanconfrontthepresent.
Sheslidnoiselesslyfromthesheets,graspedfortherobe.Joewassnoring:hewasasoundsleeperanywayandhe’dputawayahellofalottodrinkthenightbefore.
Roisincouldn’trecallasinglethingthatwassaidbetweentheendofHunterandhergoingtobed,beyondgeneralback-slapping.She’dgoneuptotheroombeforeJoe,keentobeasleeporfeigningsleepsotheyweren’teveralone.
Shetiptoeddownstairsinthedesertedhouse,flickedthekettleoninthekitchenandmadeherselfasteadyingcupoftea.Shecarrieditoutontothelawnoutside,sittingonalowstonewallandwatchingthesunriseoverthelake.Shewaited.
Roisincheckedherwatchfortheumpteenthtime.Joemustbeupandmovingaboutbynow,ifhisalarmhadworked.Asshethoughtthis,shelookeduptoseehimwalkingacrossthegrasstowardsher,alsoholdingamug.
Roisin’sstomachroiledandherheartpounded,inagrislyparodyofanencounterfromaRegencyromance.Shewaspricklyhotunderherclothesintheearlymorningwarmth,tryingtosteadyherselfforwhatwastocome.Workingoutthewordsforthisshowdownthatshewouldn’tregretlater.Shesuspectedanyplanofwhattosaywouldgooutthewindowfairlyfast.
Sheremindedherself,again:shehadnochoice.Therewasn’tanypointinavoidingit,pretendingtobeasleeplongerandspinningoutthemeagreamountoftimeuntilhisAddisonLeecamecrawlingupthepath.
IfRoisinpretendedlastnighthadn’tbeenaproblem,she’dlosebothhercourageandagoodchunkofherrighttoreply.Youcan’tconvincinglyexpressbeingshockedandappalledonanexpedientseven-daydelay,whensomeonegetsinthedoorwithWestCoast-sizedjetlag.
Therebeingnocorrectandappropriatemomenttoraiseanyproblemwasoneofthewaysthegamefeltrigged.Pickanotherwisepressuredtime?Shewasthoughtlesslyaddingtoit.Duringaniceeveningout?Ruiningit.Trytoraiseitonaquietday?Ambush.
Roisininhaledandexhaledandacceptedthat,thementalcrueltyofHunteraside,she’dbeenpushingthisreckoningawayfortoolong.Hopingthatinexile,banishedfromseriouspossibility,theideawouldchangeordie.Thatitwouldsortitselfout.Inatwistedway,Joehaddoneherafavour.He’ddemonstratedalevelofdisregardshecouldn’tignore.
‘WhydoIgetthefeelingyoudidn’tgetupearlytoseemeoffwithabighug?’Joesaidashereachedher,sippinghisblackcoffee.Hisfacewasstillsleptinandpuffyfromlastnight’sdrinking,hishairglisteningwetfromtheshower.
‘Whatdoyoumean?’shesaid,testinghervoice.
‘You’vebeeninathreateningmoodallweekend,Roisin.Barelysaidawordaftertheshow,yesterday.You’restoodherealoneatdawnwithafaceonlikeyou’retheBenbarrowghost,risenfromherdrowning.I’mnotstupid.Whatdoyouwanttosaytome?’
Claimingtoknowshewasupset,andtakingthepissoutofher,didn’texactlymatchup.AsimpleareyouOKwould’vedone.Joewasbattleready.
Deepbreath.
‘Whydidyouputmymumanddadinyourstory?’
Joepaused,mouthtomug.‘InHunter?Thatwasn’tyourparents?Itwasfictional.’
‘Thekidcreepingdownandcatchingthemotheronthetable?You’retellingmethat’snotfromaparticularthingI’vetoldyou?’
‘Yes,sure.LotsofthingsIwritearefromlotsofthingspeoplehavetoldme.’
‘“People”!’Roisinexclaimed,hertemperbreakingfasterthansheexpected.Theplanswerealreadyoutthewindow.‘I’myourgirlfriend.Don’tgivemea“howstorieswork”spiellikeI’mthepublicataQ&A,askingwhereyougetyourideas.’
‘Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Ijustadmittedit?Yes,someofthatwasinspiredbythingsyoutoldme.Asitgoeson,you’llseetha—’
‘Youbetrayedmytrust?’Roisinsaid.
Joegrimaced,inanexaggeratedperformanceofdisbelief.‘That’swildlymisrepresentingwhathappenswhenyoudrawonthingsaroundyouandthepeoplewhoareclosetoyou.AmIsupposedtoruneverythingIwritethroughasourcesandsimilaritiescheck?’
‘It’sabitfuckingspecificforthatpaper-thindefence,isn’tit,Joe?Howmanypeopledoyouknowwhosawtheirmumwithothermen?’
‘AsIsaid,yes,you’dbethetriggerforit.’
‘Trigger.Bydepictingit?InthesamewaythesinkingoftheshipTitanicwasthetriggerforthefilmTitanic.’
‘Itwasafewsecondsonscreen,notthewholesubject.It’snotpossibletodowhatIdoandnotbeinfluencedbyelementsofreallife.’
Shewasalmostrelievedtofindhowlividshestillwas,andhowpatheticandglibhisexcuseswere.Itmadeitsimpler.
‘You’repretendingnottounderstandthedifferencebetweenusinganecdotesingeneralandrippingofftraumatic,privatethingsdirectfromyourgirlfriend’spast?Thingstoldtoyouinstrictconfidence.Whydidn’tyougivemeawarningaboutit?IsthereanythingelseIshouldpreparefor?’
Thethoughtoftheabortionbeingusedmadeherinsidesturnintoaminiearthquake.
‘OK,I’msorryaboutthat.Ididn’tthink.No,nothingelse.Ididn’trealiseitwasstillthisupsettingtoyou.You’veprobablyforgotten,butyouthoughtitwaskindof…darkly,bleaklyfunny,whenyoufirsttoldme.’
ThiswassoslyandunfairthatRoisinauthenticallyhatedhim,forasecond.Maybeshehadbeenplayingitpartlyforlaughsonthefirsttelling.Thatwasdrunkenyouthfuldates,tryingtobefascinatingandboldandownyourfamily’sdysfunctionaspartofyourfabulousrainbow,foryou.Thingssaidbetweentwopeoplenewlysleepingtogetherwerenottobeheldupfordaylightinspection.Ifyouwereperceptiveenoughabouthumannaturetowriteaboutit,youwereperceptiveenoughtoknowwhatwasofflimits.
‘You’reblessedwithperfectmemoryforthetoneofconversationswehadtenyearsago,butcompletelyatalossoverwhyyoudidn’tthinktoconsultmewhenyouwerewritingit,afewmonthsago?’Roisinsaid.
‘Isee,thisisoneofthosefightswhereanythingIsaygetsmeinbiggertrouble.’
‘Areyouserious?’
Joescrewedhiseyesclosedandpaused.Itwasastageydevice,tomakeitclearthatthiswasunnecessary.ThatshewaswhatherpupilscalledextraHeneckedthelastofhiscoffeeandsethiscupdownonthestep.
‘Iintendedtomentionit.Butinthehugelylong-windedprocessofwritingandrewritingandgoingintoproduction,itfellbythewayside.AsIsaid,I’mreallysorry.Itwasn’tintendedtobesuchaclearreferencethatyou’dfinditthisemotional.Inmymind,ithadbecomeJasper’soriginsandpartofsomethingtotallydifferent.Obviously,assomeonenotinvolvedintheprocess,Ishould’verealisedit’dbemoreofashocktoyou.’
Roisinwasn’tsurewhatshe’dexpected,butnevertheless,shewasaghastatthissmoothhorseshit.Therewasalevelofhonestysheneededbeforeshecouldcontemplatesupplyingherunderstandingorforgiveness.Evennow,Joewouldn’tbeforcedintoofferingit.Shecouldonlyassumehedidn’tneedeitherherunderstandingorforgiveness.Itfeltmorethandismissive.Thewordcontemptfloatedintohermind.
‘Youknow,Joe,thisisruthless.WorthyofasweatycorruptpoliticianonNewsnight.You’renotbeingremotelytruthfulwithmeaboutwhathappenedhere.What’sevenmoreworryingisthatIdon’tthinkyou’veevenaskedyourselfwhyyoudidit.Itdoesn’tinterestyou.’
God,thatwasit.Inanutshell.Joehadn’twondered,inlightofhisgirlfriend’sdistress,whydidIthinkthiswasOK?She’dnotseenhimwrongfootedorconcerned,whatsoever.He’dgonestraightintodamagelimitation‘fobheroffwithaglibapology’mode.Itdidn’tbotherhimenoughtocheckhisconscience.Itdidn’tapparentlyoccurtohimtocheckit.
‘InwhatwayamIbeingdishonest?’hesaid.
‘Therealversionofthis,Joe,goes–youknewitwastheftandyouknewitwassensitive.Ifyou’dtoldme,I’dobjectandyou’dhavetotakeitout.Soyouwentaheadandchancedit,thinking,ifyougotawaywithit,cool.IfitwentwrongandIkickedoff,itwasapriceworthpayingtokeepitinthescript.EvenwhenyouknewI’dwatchithere,withourfriendsaroundus,itdidn’tchangethestakesenoughforyoutocomecleanbeforeyouputmethroughthat.Becausewhygiftmeanopportunitytobeanuisance?Noneofthisfall-outmeansanything,becausemypainoverthisisabsolutelynothingtoyou.Notcomparedtoyourcareer.Thisismerelyaninconvenientdifficultytobemanaged,beforeyougettotherealbusinessofsomebrunchmeetingwithmenindesignersunglassesinLosAngeleswherenooneeatsthefood.’
Whenshefinishedspeaking,RoisinsawthatJoelookedembattled,butalsofaintly–anduncharacteristically–impressed.Shehadhisattention.Roisin’sfurywasobviouslythefirsttimehe’dlistenedtoherinawhile.
Shewonderedifhewasfilingitawaytouseinthefuture.Shewonderedifanyprivacywasnowanillusion.
Betweenusmeantnothing.24
Roisinwasn’tgoingtobreakthesilencethatfollowed.
‘Right,we’reontheclockbecauseofmyflight,’Joesaid,afterawhile.‘Beforewebothcrankupanymorelevels,canIsuggestwekeepitforwhenIgetback?It’salotrightnow.Especiallywhenwe’rehere.’Henoddedbackatthehouse.
‘Ah,theCalmDown,CrazyWomangambit.’
‘No,moreaboutthefactwehavenotimeandalotofcompany.It’sDev’sspecialweekend.’
‘I’dhavepreferredthisnottohappeninfrontofthem,too.’
‘Look,Ihaven’tactuallyexposedanysecret.Noonebutuswouldknowthatmomentcamefromyourchildhood.’
ThissaidmoreaboutJoethanherealised.Imagewaseverything,andhe’dnotdamagedhers.Thatthefactthatonlyshecouldperceivethetreacherousplagiarismmeantitasgoodasdidn’tmatter.Because,onceagain,shedidn’t.
‘Evenifthatwasthepointhere,mymummightrecogniseit,don’tyouthink?’Hervoicewavered.Shecouldn’tbearthethoughtofit.
‘Shewon’tseeit.ShestoppedwatchingSEEN,didn’tshe?’
Joeresentedhismother-in-lawforherindifferencetohiswork.Lorraine,ofcourse,hadn’tbotheredwiththesocialnicetyofpretence:‘notmycupoftea’.Jesus,wasJoealsotakingobliquerevenge?
‘Whoknows,butit’sfarfromguaranteedthatshewon’t,isn’tit?WhatdoIsayifsheasksmeaboutit?’
‘You’dthinkshewouldn’t,though,eh,’Joesaid,raisinganeyebrow.
‘Meaningwhat?’
‘It’squitedelicate.Forher.’
Thiswassomuchhypocrisy,Roisinfeltshemightchoke.‘Wow,nowyou’reawareofhowintenselytabooitmightbe?Betterlatethannever,huh.Ohwait,no,latehasexactlythesamevalueasnever,here.’
‘YouknowwhatImean!She’snotgoingtogothere.’
‘Yes,Idoknowwhatyoumean,havingneversufferedfromyourcuriouslyusefulbrainfogaboutthis.IknowitwouldbecompletelyagonisingformymumtoaskmeifIdiscoveredthingsaboutheropenmarriagebyaccident,twentyyearsago.ThatI’dobviouslytoldmypartner,andheputitontelevision,andsherecognisedherself.’
Joeshookhishead.‘IwishI’dthoughtthisthrough,Ireallydo.I’dnothavegonenearit.’
Fuckyou,Roisinthought.Youarealiar.TheonlyregrethereisdiscoveringhowstronglyI’lldefendmyself.
‘GivenIknowthelastthirtysecondscamefrommylife,canIaskifthetaxibitatthestartwassomethingthathappened,too?’
‘What?’
‘Leavingyourscarfatarestaurantandwalkingbackwhenwegotacab.Gettinginlate.Thatwastwosummersago,right?TheItalianplace,Sesso?Infact,it’dbeexactlytwoyears–IthinkitwasGina’sbirthday.’
‘What’sthequestionhere?DidIsneakbackthatnightandboneawaitress?’Joesaid.
‘Yes,that’sthequestion.’
‘Amazing.DoIgettobeoffendedyouwouldevenaskthat,oristhatnothowthisworks?’
‘DidyounotthinkbyusinganactualscenarioIrecognisedthatImightbeabitdisorientatedorworriedbythat?’
Inthecontextoftheirmonogamy,usingtheirreallifeasasetfeltsotacky.Itspokeofagreathinterlandofladdishwishfulfilment.Didhereallynotrealiseshe’dbeaffectedbyit?ItwaslikeJoehadhadaradicalsurgicalresectionofhisempathywhenhesignedhisfirstcontract.
‘No,becauseIthoughtyouunderstoodwewerefirmlyintherealmoffiction.Ifitneedsspellingout,thenyes,that’smadeup,Rosh,’Joesaid.Hewasdrawinghimselfuptofullheight,tryingonsomeindignanceforsize.‘I’mnotachronicallyunfaithfuldangershaggerlikemyanti-hero.NorinthepasthaveIeverheadedupanelitesquadofpolicewithextraordinarypowersofvisualrecognition.’
‘Ithinkitwasreasonabletoask,’Roisinsaid.‘Thegirlfriend’shotfriendsubplotwassomewhatgross,too.HowisGinameanttofeelaboutthat?’
‘Gina’snotmeanttofeelanythingbecausethatwasn’tGina.Orme.Oranyofus.Wow.StartingtowishI’dgotagigwritingEmmerdale.Youcoulddemandtoknowwhothesheepwerebasedon.’
‘Nice.Lovingbeingyourstraightwomanintheteethofmyhumiliation.’
‘Thesequestionsareridiculous,sothey’llonlygetridiculousanswers.It’sprettyshitformetohavemyworkpulledapartbymygirlfriendlikethis.Doyounotthinkithurts,thatyoudidn’tlikeit?’
Thiswassoself-absorbed,Roisincouldonlygasp.
‘Youknowwhatyoureallydon’tlike,’Joecontinued.‘Youdon’tlikelosingthespotlight.’
‘What?!’
‘Foralongtime,youhadtheupperhand;webothknowthat.Iwasalwayspunching.Fit,funny,confidentRoisin,greatatherjob,centreofattention…Howdidthatskint,sarkywannabewriterguyinthecornerpullher?NowI’mtheonegettingthefuss.Thebalanceofpowerhasshifted,andyoudon’tlikeit,soyou’reprojectingotherreasons.’
Someaccusations,fromsomeoneyouknewwell,werelikebeingshivvedundertheribs,anattackbyanexpertassassinwhoknewexactlyhowtopunctureavitalorganinoneeconomicalmove.Youfeltitbecauseyouknewitwastrue.Otherswereoutoftheblue,fromnowhere:likeafrisbeearcingthroughtheair,straightatyou.
Thiswasafrisbee.
‘Thatiscompletelymadandalsoinsulting.I’mreallyproudofwhatyou’veachieved.’
‘That’swhyyou’vebeenoffwithmesincewegothere?Yousayyou’reupsetbyHunter,butyou’vebarelymetmyeyesinceyouarrived.It’sasifyouwerelookingforareason.’
‘It’snotjealousy,Joe.It’sbecauseourrelationshiphasevaporated.It’slikeyou’vepackedyourbagsandmovedout.Youdon’tevenseemtonoticeme,mostofthetime.’
‘Youmeanduringthisinsanetimeforme–forus–whereI’vebuiltussomefinancialsecurity,Ihaven’tfocusedenoughonyou?I’venotmadeenoughofafussofyou?’
Shewonderedhowlongit’dtakeforthewealthtoberaisedup.Shewasn’tgoingtousehersupportofhimforallthoseyearsasaweapon.Lovewasnotmeanttobebalancetransfers.
‘Thefactyou’recallingit“makingafuss”,asifI’mabrat,ratherthanbeingconcernedI’munhappy,isexactlywhatImean.’
‘Fuckme.Thisargument,whichyou’veclearlypreppedfor,andIhaven’t,isasetofbeartraps.WhatamImeanttodothen,agreewithyouthatI’macoldbastard?’Heploughedonbeforeshecouldrespond.‘Ireallydon’tneedyourdrama,Roisin.I’mabouttospendtenhoursonaplaneandthenfacesomeofthemostdauntingmeetingsofmylife,onesthatcouldchangemylife.Ourlives.I’mstartingthatjourneywiththis?Seriously?Itcouldn’thavewaiteduntilIgotback?’
Thereitwas.Joecouldn’tevenseethatcomplainingshewasinterferingwithhisworkmightbeabadlookinafightabouthowshewasinsignificantcomparedtohiswork.
‘IfI’dwaited,you’dsayIcouldn’tbethatbotheredandmusthavebeeninventinggrudgeswhileyouwereaway.Yourtotalunavailabilitytomeisironclad,Joe.’
‘OK,well,regardlessofwhatImightormightnothavesaidordone,inalternativeuniverses,’Joesaid,onceagainnotmissingabeattothink,checkinghiswatch,‘mycabwillgetheresoonandI’mgoingtowriteathankyounoteforDev.Canwebringthistoanend?’
Roisinsaid,bloodrushinginherears,‘Iwanttoendthingsentirely,Joe.’
Hepaused.‘Youwanttobreakup?’
‘Yes.’
Thesummerairhungheavyaroundthem.
‘Youdon’tlovemeanymore?’
‘Idon’tthinkIknowyouanymore,toloveyou,’Roisinsaid,holdingintearsinthetightwallofherchest.
‘Hah.Gooddodge.’
Joewouldn’tdoanythingaslameaslooksurprised,yet,tohersurprise,shesensedhewas.Whydidhenotconsiderthat’swherethiscouldbegoing?
Yes,they’dbeentogetheralmostadecade.Buttheywerestillyoung,theyweren’tmarried,theyhadnokids,andthetenorofthisfight,withnoconcessionsorgentlenessoneitherside,feltexplicitlyterminaltoRoisin.Ifitwasn’ttheend,itwascertainlysignpostingtheway.Hadn’tJoebeenworkinguptothis?Hadhenotacceptedithimselfyet?Didhewanttogofirst?
Ah,wait,themoney,shethought.Joewasn’tparticularlymaterialisticormachoaboutit,butnevertheless,thatwasthequietpartoutloud–noonereallythinksanot-richpersonwillsplitupwithsomeonewhois.Byforty,he’dhaveafortune,andRoisinwasoptingout.
Thathecurrentlyfeltundumpableactuallymadequitealotofsense.
‘Idon’thavethebandwidthforthis.Ihadnoideathatyouweregoingtowakeupthismorninganddecidewewereover,’Joesaid.
‘Ithinkwe’vebeenoverforawhile,’Roisinsaid.‘I’mjusttheonetosayit.’
Shewasbracedforsomespikycomeback,astingingcontradiction,butJoeonlylookedather,withthosedarkeyesshe’donceseensomuchdepthin.
Couldshefallbackinlovewithhim?Notwithouthishelp.
‘Ican’tdothisnow.CanwetalkagainwhenI’mbackfromtheStates?’hesaideventually.‘I’llbebackinaweek.Tendays,max.’
Roisinnoddedyes.Itwasn’tasiftheycouldavoidthatanyway.
Joeblewairoutofhischeeksandpickeduphismug.Roisinfeltawaveofguiltatwhatshe’ddoneandonceagaintoldherself:youdidn’tchoosethistimingorlocation.Youdidn’tforcethisconflictintobeing.
‘Idon’twanttorunintoanyoneinthehouse,together.Canyougivemetenminutes’headstart?’
‘Sure,’Roisinsaid.
‘I’llmessageyouwhenIland,’Joesaid.
‘Thanks,’shesaidstiffly.
Heleanedoverandgaveheraquickhugthatwasmorelikeasecond’sgrip,givinghernotimetorespond,andwalkedaway.
ShewatchedJoecrossthelawntothehouseanddidn’tknowhowtoclassifyherfeelings.
Gladthedeclarationwasoverwith.Tornup,andsad.Devastatedthatithadhappenedatallandimmediately,despiteeverything,self-doubtingwhetherithadtohappen.
Inthedistance,heclosedthedoorbehindhim.Roisinlethershouldersdropaninchandtriedtoabsorbthisalteredreality.
Whatwasthisothersensation,oneshecouldn’tinstantlyname?Wait–spooked.Spookedtothepointofcreepedout,evenmoresothanshe’dbeeninthescreeningroom.Why?
Shegotamessage,directfromhergut,soshockingandsurrealthatherbrainimmediatelyrejectedit.Hergutneverthelessstubbornlyclungontoitsinstinct.
ThenighthewalkedbackfromSesso,Joehadhadashowerwhenhegotin.Henevershoweredbeforebed,andshe’dregistereditasoddatthetime.Whenshemumbledaquestionasheclimbedunderthecovers,hesaidhe’dgotrainedon.Exceptithadn’trained,unlessBurtonRoadwasinthemostmicroofmicroclimates:Roisinlovedsleepingwithanopenwindow.Thenighthadbeenstill.
Anditwassomewhatcontradictorythatthiseveninghadbothinspiredtheopeningscenesofastoryandhadbeencompletelyuneventful.Attheveryleast,he’dthoughtaboutit,hadn’the?
Roisinstrainedinvaintorecallanyspecificwaitress.
Thoughshehadaskedifthecheatingwasautobiographical,she’dneverseriouslyconsideredthatitcouldbe.Shefeltshewasentitledtomakethepointthatothersmightthinkitwas.
Whatifitwas?Wasshegoingmad?Beforelastnight,she’dhavescoffedattheidea,saiditwasimpossible.Hewasn’tthetype.Lackedthechances,anyway,asshetoldhercounsellor.EvenifshecouldconceiveofJoedoingthosethings,whyrubherfaceinitandriskhisnecklikethis?
Except…lookatwhathe’ddonewithherpast.Hecouldn’tcareless.Hethoughtahollowmeaculpawasenough,oncecaughtred-handed.He’dplayedtheodds.
Ahugewaveofnausearolledup,sostrongthatRoisinfeltitmightknockheroffherfeet.
WhatifthefailuretocheckhisconsciencewasbecauseJoedidn’thaveone?
Whatifthegreatestbetrayalherewasn’ttheoneshethoughtitwas?WhatifJoewasJasper?
Twothingstoknowaboutme.Idon’tfeelguilt.AndI’lldoitagain.25
‘Heresheis!Seenthepapers?!’Devsing-songed,dolingoutabaconsandwichtoRoisinwhilethebluetoothspeakerblastedWetLeg’s‘ChaiseLongue’
Anitawasatthekitchentable,halfwayintosomethingegg-basedandheavilysauced.Thatshelovedtoeat,andDevlovedtocook,wasanotherwaytheywerewellsuited.Roisinhopedtheysortedouttheprocreatingprioritysnafu.
TheBrianClubwereotherwisetwomendown,oneinLondon,oneenroutetoLosAngeles,andthetworemainingwereapparentlyyettoemerge.
WhathadbecomeofMatt,afterheclimbedintothatkidnapper-lookingcar?RoisinimaginedhimonallfoursinawetroominSohoHouse,ballgaginhismouth,asAmeliaLeebarkedordersandGranville,withvenisonbiltong,lookedon.
‘No?’RoisinsaidtoDev,pastingonaneutrallycuriousyetpsychologicallyrobustkindofsmile.
ShehadnointentionofruiningthelasthoursofDev’sgrandtripwithanyhintsheandJoehadfought.Yetshefearedshe’dhaveRecentDisasterwrittenalloverherface.Shedreadedoneofthosemomentswhenpeoplecry,‘OhGod,what’swrong?!’atthesightofsomeonewhoimaginedtheylookednormal.
Roisincouldn’tconvincinglymimicover-the-tophighspirits,andit’dfeelmorallygross,sotheactingjobwasmundane-cheerful.
Asitturnedout,Roisinneedn’thaveworriedaboutwhatthefocuswouldbe.
‘Hoh,youneedtohearthereviews!’Devsaid,hoppingaboutoncemoreatthesightofherinthekitchen.Ithitherasinsensitive,yethewasn’tbeing.Whywouldn’tDevexpectRoisintobeoverjoyedatJoe’saccomplishment?
ShewasgaslitbythefactthatonlysheseemedtofindtheechoesoftheirlivesinHunterdisturbing.WasJoeright–hadshewildlyoverreacted?
Hadherunhappinessintherelationshipcompletelywarpedherjudgement?Haditnuclear-fusionpoweredherresponse?
Devdustedhisfingersoftoastcrumbs,thenputonehandonhishipasheauthoritativelyscrolledhisphone.
‘Herewego…Sheen,it’stotalfive-starravesacrosstheboard.OnlytheTelegraphwassniffy.Listentothis…’DevmutedWetLeg.
RoisinsippedcoffeeandlookedatabaconsangeronsourdoughthatwouldfeellikechewingasofacushionsmearedwithHP.
Theworldwaslaughingather.
‘Right…right.OK,so,someonecalledNiallThingyintheObserver,’Devsaid,drawingbreath.‘“Icompartmentalise,that’sall.Weallcompartmentalise.Everyonehasseparatepartsoftheirlivestheydivideandwallofffromtheothers.Minearesimplyalittlemoreinterestingthanyours.”SosaysJasperHunter,thetitularstar(anindecentlycharismaticRufusTate)tocamera.Itlookslikehe’stheonlydetectiveontheforcewho’sgoingtobeabletofigureoutwho’sbehindaspateofgruesomemurdersoffashionableyoungwomen.Thevictims’onlyconnection:they’rebarmaidsandwaitresses.“Someonehates‘sharingplates’evenmorethanIdo,”quipsJasper’smorose,chauvinisticboss,Nev,playedwithevidentgleebytheHappyMondays’ShaunRyder.(Thisisashowhappytoprovideinjokesaplenty.)Jaspermeanwhileisengaged,ecstaticallyhappywithfiancéeBecca:hisonesecretweaknessisriskysexwithstrangers.“Theonlypeoplewho’daskmewhattheappealis,”saysHunter,afteragraphiccouplingwithanimprobablygorgeousreceptionistinacarpark,“aretheoneswho’venevertriedit.”’
RoisinwashopingDevmightstop,buthewasonaroll.
‘…InlessexperiencedhandsthanwriterJoePowell,ofSEENfame,Hunterwouldbeastandard“maverickdetectivewithprivatelifeindisarray”cliché.YetJasperhas(I’msorry)allhisballsintheair.Hunterposesabiggerphilosophicalquestion.Doesinfidelitytrulymatterifyousuccessfullykeepittoyourself?Thebestmobsterdramasforceyoutoquestionyourowncomplicityintheseductionsofthelifestyle,yourvicariousenjoymentofsomeoftheirmostabominabletransgressions…’
Devlookedup:‘Abominabletransgressions,Ilikethat.’
Roisingaveaverytautsmile.
‘…Similarly,Jasper’sexhilaratingamoralitytowardscasualsexdrawsyouin.Youstartoutshockedandevenrepulsedbyhispromiscuousduplicity.Monogamy,Jasperargues,isthepricesocietyasksustopayforasettledlifewithasoulmate,andit’stoohighforsome.Certainly,afteranhourofsuchpulse-racing,stylishtelevision,plentyofuswillbeunhealthilyaddictedtoJasperHunter.’
Devlookedup.‘Whataboutthat,then?’
‘Incredible,’Roisinsaid,thoughinherheadthesentencecontinued:Dismalmalefantasiesreallygetapass,don’tthey.Letmehelpyou,NiallThingy:yes,itdoesmatterifyouhideyourshaggingaround.Whereare‘Becca’s’rightsnottobeshaggedon?It’snotaboutwhatsocietyasksofhim,it’swhathepromisedher.
Becca.Roisinfeltvomitous.Sheneededtimeandspacetosortthroughwhatshe’dlearnedaboutJoe.Therewasaspectrumofpossiblerevelationhere.Itranfrom:Joeshowingconsiderableinsensitivityinnotprimingherforsensitivecontent,especiallywhenhewasrobbingdetailfromreallife.To:thewholethingwasaderangedformofconfessional,themosthiddeninplainsightinsultimaginable.EvenRoisinhadtoadmit,thelatterwasalargeproposition,possiblytoohugetobeplausible.Hewasn’t,ashe’dsaid,drawingfromlifeinSEEN
Theshower,though.AfterthatnightafterSesso.
Hadhesimplyneededacoldshower,afterhismindhadbeenracing?Ugh.Thathadtobeit.
Thealternative,toborrowabelovedphraseofhermother’s,didn’tbearthinkingabout.Yetshewas.26
RoisinheardanoiseandturnedtoseeMeredithwhohadbeenlistening,armsfolded,tothereview.Shewaswearingapalebluesweaterwithcartooncloudsonit,likeTheSimpsons’titles.OnRoisin,itwouldlookinsufferablytwee,butonMeredith,itmadeherseemlikefreshairinhumanform.
‘NowDevhasdonethegoodnews,Ibestbreakthebad,’Meredithsaid,pickingupajugonthetableandpouringaglassoforangejuice.Shepoppedtwoibuprofenfromablisterpack,threwthemtothebackofherthroatandwashedthemdownwithaglugofTropicanaOriginalWithBits,inapractisedmovement.Onceshe’dswallowed,shesaid,‘Ourdriverisinnofitstate.Ievenquestionifshe’sstillpissed,giventhenumberofunitsimbibed.Wedon’twanttobethreePrincessDisinaParistunnel.’
‘Ohno!’saidRoisin,thoughonceagain,sinfullygratefulthatGina’sindispositionwasprovidingdiversion.
‘IsGinareallyminging?’Anitasaid.‘Ididwonderhowbadshewaswhenshewassayingwehadtoplayswim-upblackjackatCaesar’sPalaceinVegasformyhen.’
‘AndwascallingitPisa’sSalad.Shedoesn’tremembermuchoftheevening,’Meredithsaid.‘Which…mightbesomethingofablessing.’Shemadeaface
‘Youknowwhat,whenIdriedout,Ididn’trealisejusthowmuchIwasgonnaloveneverhavinghangovers,’Devsaid.‘ThedaysIspentfeelinglikeI’dbeenattackedwiththepointyendofaPoloniumumbrella.’
‘I’mnottooclevermyself;Imighttakemybaconsandwichtogo,’Meredithsaid,noddingtowardsDev’sspatula.
‘Surething.’
‘PleasecomeviewherintheChapelofRest,’MeredithsaidtoRoisin.
SheledRoisinthroughthesoaringhallwaytowardsthedrawingroom.‘Now,Imustwarnyou,I’vedonemybest.ButGinamaynotlookhowyourememberher.Theembalmingprocesstakesitstoll.’
‘ICANHEARYOU!’Ginacroak-roared,outofsight.
‘Shesoundsthesamethough,’Meredithsaid.
Roisinlaughed.
Ginawasinasaggyt-shirtandfootball-lengthsoftcottonshorts,doll-sizedandhorizontalononeofthegiantsofas.Shelookedlikeatrendyartinstallationwheretheyskewthescale.Hercomplexionresembledcandlewax,hairslickedbackfromherface.
‘Ifearshedoesnothavelong,’Meredithsaid.
‘Honestly,worsthangoverever,’GinasaidtoRoisin.‘Neverdrinkingagain.Iwokeupatfoura.m.anddidn’tknowwhereIwas.Icaughtthebeltofmydressinggownonadoorhandle,couldn’tmoveandthoughtIwashavingastroke.’
Roisinhooted.
‘Concentrateonrecovering.RoisinandIcansharethedriveback,’Meredithsaid.
Roisinnoddedagreement,whileinwardlyshrivelling.Shehadinnowaypreparedherself,inherstateofinnerturmoil,fortheprospectofmanhandlingatemperamentalvintagecoachdownamotorway.Howdoyouovertakeinthatthing?Buyitflowersandaskitnicely?
‘No,Ethelredwon’tlikeastrangertouchingher.Ithastobeme,’Ginasaid.‘I’llbeOK.Anotherhour.’
‘DoesSunnyvonBülowwantanotherdrink?’
‘Who’sthat?No,thankyou–IthrewtheFantaup.’
‘DoIneedtorinsethewashing-upbowl?’
‘Imadeittothefireplace.’
‘What?!’
‘Hehheh.’Ginamanagedatinyevilsmile.‘Notreally–theloo.’
‘Oh,ifyoucandohumourthenyou’rerecovering,’Meredithsaid.‘WhyamIbedpannurse?!’
Hereyesnarrowedandshepursedherlips,likeamumwhohasbeentoldtheirchild’sstomachbugissuspiciouslyimpervioustotortillachips.
‘No,Mer.Ifeelawful,’Ginasaid,‘Ineveryway.Ican’tevenrememberalot.Ican’trememberJoe’sshow!’
‘It’llbeoniPlayer,’Roisinsaid,hopingshesoundedlesstersethanshefelt.
Ginadroppedhervoice.‘WasIreallyreallyhorribletoMatt?’
‘No!Youwere…robust,’Meredithsaid.‘Youwerequitehorribletohisgirlfriend,though,haha.’
‘ThegirlwholookedlikeAmeliaLee,’Ginasaid,eyesclosed.Shewasmaintainingtheperfectimmobilityofsomeonewhoknewifshemoved,she’dpuke.
MeredithandRoisinexchangedglances.
‘Er…shewas…’Meredithbegan.
‘Waswhat?’Ginasaid.
‘Yeah,sheactedlikeaVIP,’Roisinsaid.‘Totaldiva.I’dnotworryaboutoffendingher.’
Roisin,alreadyholdingherphone,hurriedlyWhatsAppedMeredith.
Ifshe’sforgottenthatbit,let’sgowithit!Waituntil
we’resafelyhome/Ginaisoutofherintensivecarex
Youmakeaverygoodpoint.
TheyleftGinatoherconvalescence,foundacroquetsetinacupboardandpassedthelasthourplayingagameonthefrontlawn.
EventuallyGinaappeared,dressed,packed,headscarfon,andsaid,‘Girls,Ifeelgoodtogo,butithastobenowbeforemystomachorbumchangetheirminds.’
TheyscarperedintothehousetograbtheirluggageanditmadethefarewellswithDevandAnitamercifullybrief.Roisindidn’twanttoperjureherself,but,stumblingthrougheffusivethanks,shehadto.
‘Youare,asalways,thestoremanagerofourhearts,’Roisinsaid,plantingakissonDev’scheek.
‘Yes,Bolton’sRose.Nothankyouscoulddothisjustice,’Meredithsaid,helpingout.
‘Ah,shutup.Onlyyoulotcouldhavemadeitthisincredible.Insaneandincredible.’
RoisinrealiseditwasinfactablessingthatDevhadlovedHunterShehadbeenselfish.
‘Nomusic,’Ginasaid,asshestartedtheengine.‘Imusthavecalmandnear-silence.’
Sherattledthegearstickandcoaxedthevanintoreluctantaction.TheywavedatDevandAnita.
‘Goodbye,Benbarrow,’Meredithsaid,twistinginherseattofacetheroadagain.‘Untilnexttime.’
Itwasn’toftenyousaidthosewordsandtheywerefullyuntrue:unlikeaholidayisland,orarentalvilla,oranyofthemanyplacesyoumightfeasiblyreturn,BenbarrowHallwasprettyclearlyaonce-in-a-lifetimedeal.
Roisinturnedagaintogazeupatitsarchitecturalmagnificenceastheyretreateddownthehill,tryingtoabsorbthefinalityofthefarewell.
Howwouldtheyrememberthisweekend,inanothertenyears?Sheknewwhatit’dmeantoher.
Whatwasthecurse:allloversthatcourthere–whateverthatmeant–aredoomed?
RoisinthoughtofherandJoesplitting,ofMattandGina’sbarney,Ruby’sappearance…she’dhavesaidDevandAnitawerefine,untilshespoketoMeredith.Shetriednottoshiver.
Didpeoplehonestlygetwedonitslawns,withoutlookingthatup?Notthatitwould’venecessarilybotheredher.Butyouknow,theylivedinaworldwherehotelsdidn’thavethirteenthfloors.
Sheopenedherphoneand,withafewmistypesastheVWbumpedoverunevenroadsurfaces,googledBenbarrowHallCurse.Herewasastrangething–shecouldn’tfindanyblogusingthatphrase.27
AstheypassedPreston,theirphonespingedsimultaneously,whichtypicallymeantaBrianClubWhatsApp.
Roisinlookedatthenotification.
MattMcKenzieleftthegroup:BRIANCLUB
SheinvoluntarilysuckedinairandlookedupatMeredith.
Ginasaid,‘What?What’sitsay?’glancingatherphoneinitsholderonthedashboard.
‘Nothing,’Meredithsaid.‘JustDevsayingbye.’
‘WhydoesRoisinlooksoworried,then?’Ginasaid,observingherintherear-viewmirror.Damnmyface,Roisinthought.
‘OK,it’sthatMatt’sleft.It’saflounce,he’llbeback,’Meredithsaid.
‘LeftBrianClub?’Ginasaid,inatoneofrealsurprise.
TheVWpulledsharplytotheleft,threateningtostrayfromitslane.Meredithwincedandsaid,‘Yeah,’inaforced-casualway.
‘Don’tletthedoorhityouonthearse,Matt,’Ginasaidafterapause,inunexpecteddefiance.Clearlyshewasdoublingdown.NeitherRoisinnorMeredithsaidanything,notwantingtoantagonisetheirdriverinherdelicatestate.
‘Nodoubtfiringallhisoldfriendsoffonordersofthatwoman.SaysalotaboutMattthathe’sgoingalongwithit.’
GivenGinahadforgottenRuby’sidentityreveal,thismightbetruerthansherealised.Hemightwellhavebeentoldtoputsomedistancewithabunchofoften-pissed,indiscreetandvariouslyhostilefriends,forthedurationoftheirliaison.
ButleavingtheWhatsAppgroup?
ThethoughtMattmightbegoingforgoodwasverypainful.Untilthismoment,Roisinhadn’tdoubtedthefracturecouldbemended.Thisfalling-outhadtakenonthefeelofsomethinginitiallymundanethatthey’dcomplacentlyletslipoutofcontrol.Arunawaygolfbuggyyouthoughtyoucouldeasilycatchupwithifyoubrokeintoarun,whichwasnowgoingtointersectwithafreighttrainbeforeyoureachedit.
Roisinfelttraitoroustothesisterhood,however,shedidn’tthinkMatthaddeservedhisignominy,either.HadGinabeeninanightie,he’dnodoubtbeherherofortheverysamebehaviour.Andeveryonehaddoneapocketdialintheirtime.SubtractGina’sintenseself-consciousness,andthepoopictureconfettiwould’vebeenhilarioustoher.
Yes,thetimingofhisgirlfriend’sarrivalwasunfortunate.YetifMatthadaskedtobringher,Devwould’vesaidsure.Sowherewasthecrime,really?Notanticipatingthecapriciouswhimsof,andlimitlesschauffeuringavailableto,prominentcreatives?Roisinsuspecteditfeltabiggergaffethanitwasbecausethey’dsubconsciouslyabsorbedtheexpectationMattshouldkeephisgirlfriendsoutoftheBrianClubactivitiestoprotectGina’sfeelings,andthatwasn’tatallfair.
Asshe’drealised,he’dtriedtotellthemaboutRubyfromHinge–Joe’sdiscourtesy,andMatt’sfranklyimpressivelackofinterestinbragging,werewhytheyweren’tforewarned.
ShecouldhearJoescoffing:tellme,whatisitaboutthegood-lookingmanthat’swonyouover?
Roisinhadcometoaconclusiononthat,too.Joe’sdistasteforMattasaconceitedattentionseekerwastocoverforthefactheactuallyhatedthatattentionsoughtMatt.
Maybetherewasadeepertruth,abiggerproblemthatthisseriesofminorcalamitieshadpokedat.Maybe,asJoehadimplied,spendingalotoftimearoundsomeoneyouareinlovewithandcan’thavewillcometogrief,eventually.
RoisinstillreallydisapprovedofMatt’stiming,though.Itdidn’tfeellikehim–sheknewhe’dnotwanttooffendDevthatBenbarrowhadtorpedoedrelations.
Hemustbeveryhurtthen,tomakeitthisexplicit?SherememberedDevsayingitwasalrightforhimtoleavewithRuby,andnoneofthemaskinghimtostay.
AstheyreachedtheoutskirtsofManchester,Roisin’sphonelitupagain.Thistime,noelse’sdid.
HiR.I’vealreadyspokentoDev,butIwantedtoexplaintoyouindividually:I’mgoingtotakesometimeawayfromthegroup.Ifeelreallybadaboutfuckingupthisweekendandthinkthisrestforyouallisoverdue,franklyI’llstayintouch,obviously.FYIDevisinsistingonmeetinguptotalkmeoutofit.WhileIknowitcomesfromabsolutelybrilliantintentions,Ireallydon’twantthat–mymind’smadeup.I’mnotanglingtobemadeafussofandpersuadedback.I’mnottryingtocreatedrama,Ithoughtitbesttodrawaclearline.Takecare,Mattx
Roisinwasn’tfooled:ifMattwasmerelyhavingarest,he’dsimplyhavemutedthegrouporfoundtheleavesilentlyfunction,andthey’dbenonethewiser.Hedidn’twanttochattothemanymore,hedidn’twanttobeaskedtogooneveningsout.Thiswasamoreprofoundgoodbye,whichwastryingtotakethestingeroutofthebee.
‘Hopeyoudon’tmindifIdon’tgetout,’Ginasaid,astheydrewupatthesmartstoneurnsflankingthestepsuptotheGradeTwo-listedchapelthathousedJoeandRoisin’sapartment.Let’sdothequirkychoicebeforesuburbiaproper,eh?Joehadsaid,aftertheviewing.Givenitwasmainlyhismoney,Roisinthoughtitwashiscallanyway.
Evenglancingatit,Roisinfeltlikeagrimy,compromisedcharlatan.Herhome,boughtwithherboyfriend’smoney,whichhegotforwritingabouthermum’ssexlife.Andhis…?
‘Areyoukidding,yougotushome!’Roisinsaid,forcingherselfintoonelastpushonthefakecheerfulnessfront.‘YoudeserveTheGeorgeCross.TheyshouldrenameitTheGeorginaCross.’
‘Thanks,Rosh,’Ginasaid,lookingathertiredlyfromunderherheadscarf.‘Thehotbath,sheetmaskandUberEatsMcDonaldsisgoingtofeelgood,Ican’tlie.’
Meredithgotoutofherseat,slidthedooropenandhelpedRoisinpullherselfandhercaseoutofthevehicle.
‘DidyougettheMattexplanation,too?’Meredithsaid,inaverylowvoice,deliberatelyspeakingwithherbacktothevanastheywalkedtowardsthehouse
‘Yes!Thishasspiralledoutofcontrol.’
‘Weneedtoreassurehim,’Meredithsaid.‘He’simaginedwe’reasragingas…’SheinclinedherheadtowardsGina.‘LoveherasIdo,sheneedstocalmdownwhereMcKenzie’sconcerned.’
‘Yes,’Roisinsaid,inrelief.‘He’srefusingtobetalkedround,though?’
‘Mmmm.’
Roisinpaused,housekeysinpalm,asshegatheredthatMeredithwashesitating.
‘Comeover,’Meredithsaideventually.‘NextFriday.Fordinner.Foraproperchat.WithoutJoe.When’sheback?’
‘Nextweek.Iwill.Thanks…?’Roisinsaid.WithoutJoehadneverbeenutteredintheirfriendshipbefore.Joeasapermanentlywelcomeadditionwasalwaysagiven.
‘Good.Goeasyonyourself.’
ShegrabbedRoisininatighthug.AsRoisinabsorbedthemeaningoftheirexchange,shetriednottoburstintotearsonhershoulderthenandthere.Shehadn’trealisedhowbrokenshewas,untilsomeoneacknowledgedit.28
Sheheldheremotionbehindabroadyettightsmileasshewavedthemoffwithenergeticvigour.
Meredithknew,andshehadknownallalong.Notthefulldetails,ofcourse.NotRoisin’sdecision.That’swhatgoingroundforteawasfor.
RoisinwasinthefunnystateofbeingrelievedsomeoneelsehadperceivedJoe’scool,carelessbehaviour,andalsobeingashamedofit.Cometothinkofit,shecouldn’trecallMeredithsayingmuchafterHunter
Shepushedthedooropenandscreamedasitmettheresistanceofalargemaninasweatshirtontheotherside.
‘IT’SME!IT’SME!DON’TCALLTHECOPS!’saidtheman,whorevealedhimselftobeCormac,thesparkiewhothey’dagreedcouldhavethekeystofinishuptherewiringjobwhiletheywereaway.
‘Sorry,sorry,’saidRoisinasherspikeofterrorsubsided.
‘I’veonlygotanotherhourorsotodo,’Cormacsaid.‘Nicetrip?’
‘Yeah,thankyou,notbad.’
‘Fellanotwithyou?’
‘No,alreadyintheair,’Roisinsaidapologetically.‘Hollywoodcalls.’
‘Amazing.Justamazing.’
CormacwasahugefanofSEENandhadimportunedJoeforagoodforty-fiveminutesaboutitwhenhe’dcomeroundtospecthejob.
OrdinarilyJoemight’vebeenirritatedattheunpromptedRadioTimesinterview,butCormac’sfandomwassosincereandthoroughlyinformedthatheendeduprevellinginit.
Roisinwishedshecouldsaythesameaboutthelackofprivacyinherhomerightnow.
‘I’vesecuredthatgoodandtight,’cosyoudon’twanttobewearingitasanecklace,’Cormacsaid,gesturingupatthecolossalwheelofmodernchandelierthatJoehadlobbiedtohavehungoverthediningtable.
‘Haha.Tooright,’Roisinsaid.
Shedumpedherluggageinsidethedoorwayintheopen-planspace,mutteringbrightlyabout‘leavingyoutoit’,andfledupstairstothebedroom,wherethedoorcouldbesafelyclosed.
Roisinsankdownonthebed,holdingherphone,staringmoroselyatthewall.
She’dthoughtagreeingtoworkmeninonaSunday,payingtimeandahalf,wasstupidwhenJoehadsetCormacon,butJoerelishedbeingLordoftheManorandinsistedtheyembarkonaprogrammeofrenovations.
Therewasaframedphotographofthemonthebedsidetable,nexttoaBostonfern.Likeallphotosofthecandidandveryflatteringgenre,itbothcaughtarealmomentandcanonisedaglamorised,aspirationalone.Atruthandalieatthesametime.
They’dbeenataweddingofaschoolfriendofJoe’sinYorkayearagoandthephotographerhadsuppliedhundredsofimagesaftertheevent,roamingaroundcapturingtheguestsunawares.Thecouple,JimandLiddy,hadsentthisoneon.Youlooklikeapairofmoviestars!Theywerelisteningtothespeeches,Joe’selbowsbalancedonthebackofhischairinrelaxedpose,hismouthhalfopen,laughingatsomethingbeingsaid,theexpressionliftinghischeekbonesandmakinghiseyescrinkle.Roisinlookedbeatific-angelicwithahaloofGrecianbraid.Shewasinfactmid-eveningtired-pissed,leaningherheadforsupportonJoe’sshoulderratherthan,asitlooked,indevotion.
Thedayforthemhadn’tbeenaroaringsuccess,despitethedice-throwluckofcreatingsuchaportrait.Joewassurlyatbeingaround‘backintheday’people‘henolongerfelthehadmuchincommonwith’.
SherememberedJoedoinguphistieinthehotelroom,quotingTheSopranos:‘“Rememberwhen”isthelowestformofconversation.’
Roisinwantedtoturnthepicturetofacethewalltostopitlaughingather,yetshedidn’tdare.She’dforgetshe’ddoneitandJoewouldwalkinfromtheredeye,seeit,andthinkitwasapointedactofaggression.
RoisinthoughtofMeredith’shug.Shewantedtohowl,explodeintotears,andyet,thankstoJoe’sarrangements,whichnowfeltlikeacleverformofoppression,shecouldn’triskit.Shecouldn’temergewithpuffyface,sniffing,whenCormacknockedonthedoortosayhewasleaving.
Roisinunlockedherphoneasmindlessreflex.ShelistlesslyscrolledtotheflighttrackerappthatsheusedtofeelconnectedwithJoeashecrisscrossedtheworld.IttoldherhewascurrentlysomewhereovernorthernCanada.
He’dnotmessagedherfromtheairportwaitinglounge,shenoticed.Butthenthey’dmovedbeyondcasualinteractions;anythinghesaidnowwouldbeartheweightofhistory.Shecouldseewhyhe’doptedfornothing.
Nevertheless,shecouldn’thelpherself.Roisinscrolledtohisnameinhercontactslistandsaw:
Lastseentodayat10:48
SeveralhoursaftertheypartedontheBenbarrowHouselawn,then,therewereotherstotalkto.He’dbeenmessagingrightupuntilboardinghiselevena.m.flight.Who?Work?Probably.Coulditbepersonal?Wouldhehaveconceivablygothimselfabusiness-classcomplimentarydrinkandrunghisbestmate,Dom,totellhimshe’dbrokenupwithhim?Joe’spridewouldn’tlethim,shefeltfairlysure.Notwhileitwasraw.
Or…whatifhewascontactinganotherwoman?Roisinhadasensationlikeshehadsteppedontoamovingwalkwayandmisjudgeditsspeed.Shewasbeingwhippedalong,tryingtokeeppace.
Roisinwasn’tusedtofeelinglikethis.Shecouldhonestlysaythat,asfarassheknew,Joehadnevergivenhercausetobejealous.PartofthereasonhisadmirationofGinawassounthreateningwasbecauseRoisinhadneverfeltitcrossedalineorhintedatinappropriateinterest.
Yetyourpartneralwayshasthatonefriend…
Shewasn’tsurethethoughtofJoeentangledwithamysterywomanmadeherfeeljealous,exactly,either.Itwasmorelikefearoftheunknownanddisorientationofuncertainty.Perhapsthesewerethepreliminarystagesrequiredbeforeyoucouldgetjealous.
Or,hadsplittingupwithherboyfriendofnineyearsonthesameweekendhissexseriesairedsentheralittlecrazy?Thatsoundedlikely.
Sheexhaled:poorDev,tryingtocelebratetheBrianClub’sten-yearanniversaryand,foracooltwelvegrand,throwingitswake.She’dholdbackthenewsaboutherandJoeforaslongaspossible,putsomebluewaterbetweenitandBenbarrow.
Theycouldhardlypreventhimfromnoticingitwastheirlastjointpublicappearance.
RoisinscrolledfromPinhercontactsbookuptoM.
GoingbackoverMatt’smessage,everyseriousreplyshecouldimaginefellflat.Asillyideacametoherandeventuallyshethought,fuckit,doit.Sheswipeduntilshefoundapooemojiwithhearteyes,andsentit.
Sheimmediatelyreceivedaone-characterreply.
x29
‘Iknowitfeelsasifyourexamsareawayoffyet,butIcanpromiseyou,theyaren’t,’Roisinsaid,toagalleryofcatatonicallyblankYear10faces.
Sherememberedsuchthreatsbeingmadetoheronce,withsimilarlackofimpact.
‘Iknowit’shard…’
Therewasalow-keyoutbreakofwheezingandsplutteringatthewordhard,thatshewaitedout.
‘…toconcentrate,butputinthislastpush…’
Moresniggering.
‘…andit’llpayoffnextyear.’
‘Wouldyousaywewillcomegood,Miss,’saidAmir,toshovingandOHNOYOUDITTENT!fromhissidekick,Pauly.
RoisinputherheadononesideandgaveAmirthepatentedteacherPaddingtonstare.Itwasdesignedtoallowtimetolettheairgooutoftheballoonwithouttheneedforfurtherdiscussion.
Whenshewasagreen,keennewbie,Roisintoldherselfshe’dneverdeploysuchtiredmethods.ShewasfullofDeadPoetsSocietyfervour.Shewasgoingtotransformandinspirewiththeingenuityofherlessons,andthey’dbesotransported,they’ddisciplinethemselves.Hahahahaha.
Onceshewasbattle-hardenedbytherealityofthedailygrind,Roisindiscoveredwhytheteacherclichéseverbecameonesinthefirstplace.Theonlyrealgoalsweretogetthemto:1.shutupand2.payattention.Anythingontopofthatwasmajorhighachieving.
Itwasthelastlessonoftheday,lastweekofterm.Investmentinoutcomeswaslow,restlessnesswashigh.Stayinginchargewasliketryingtosteerashoppingtrolleywithonewonkywheelalonganarrowbridgeoverasharkpond.
‘I’dlikeyourthoughtsonPipinthischapter,Pauly.AsPipbecomesmoreconsciousofsocialclass,hebecomesmoreembarrassedofJoe’sbehaviour.DoyouthinkPip’sresponsetoJoeissnobbish,or…’
Incredibly,Roisinonlyregisteredtheriskinherlineofenquirysecondstoolate.
‘Miss,isn’tyourhusbandcalledJoe?Boyfriend,’Amirsaid.‘Isawhisnameonthecredits.Ofthatshow.’
Roisin’sheartratespiked.She’dgotthroughtodaywithoutHunterevenbeingraisedinthestaffroomatlunchtime.Shefiguredshewasluckythatthiswasthefrantic,tie-ends-upfinaldaysandnotthemid-termlull.
‘That’snoneofyourbusiness,’Roisinsnapped.
Amirmadeanunder-his-breathwoooooohnoisethatcausedaripple.Roisininstantlyknewshe’dmishandledit,revealingithadgottoher.She’dputabountyonadisruptortryingagain.Nevershowthemthey’vegottoyou.
‘PipversusJoe…’Roisinrepeated,aimingforaconfidenttone.Shepaused.‘Whosephoneisthat?’
Hereyesswivelledtotheintimidatinglyself-assuredpromqueen,CaitlinMerry.
Somekidswereembryonic,outline-in-principleversionsoftheiradultselves–Roisinwasonceinthiscategory.Shewassortofamousy,feather-pencilsketchofaFutureRoisin.Shedidabutterflyfromchrysalisaroundagedtwentyandhadblossomedintoherconfident,lairyphasebythetimeshemetJoe.
Othersweresomehowcompletelyandtotallytheirfullyformedidentitiesintheirmid-teens.CaitlinMerrywasoneofthelatter.Roisincouldabsolutelyseeherinmiddle-agealready;shewasfourteengoingonforty-seven.
Shedrippedwithlanguidscornforherteachersandyet,Roisinwascertain,wouldbeoneoftheoneswhowouldcallheroverinthesupermarkettosayawildlyenthusiastichelloinafewshortyears,hereyesfullofaffectionatewonderfortimesthathadunexpectedlyflownpast,andaslighthintofsorrowshe’dbeensuchanarsewipe.Funnyhowpatternsrepeated.
‘Myphoneisn’ton!Airplanemodeinlessons,always.It’stherules,isn’tit,Miss,’Caitlinsaid,asifshewasexplainingtrigtosomeonethick.
‘WhycanIhearAdelefromroughlywhereyou’resitting,then,Caitlin?’Roisinsaidpolitely.
‘YouloveherProseccoMumrocksomuchshe’splayinginyourheadallthetime,probably?’Caitlindrawled,tolaughter.
‘Haha.Turnitoff,please.’
Caitlin,chewinggumandeye-rollingextravagantly,openedherbag.Shefoundthephone,inacaseadornedwithaphotoofherownheavilyfilteredface,cuddleduptoascowlingolderlad.Sheturnedthescreentowardsherteacher.
‘See?Notmine.CanIhaveanapology,Miss?’
‘Who’sisitthen?’Roisinsaid.
Asilenceopenedup,albeitonethatcontainedatinnyversionof‘SetFiretotheRain’tricklingoutinthebackground.
Amirstartedquietlysingingalong.
‘Right,eitherthepersonplayingitturnsitofforeveryonegetsdetention,how’sthat?’
TheroomeruptedintothesortofjeeringhowlsandboosofobjectionthatwereheardwhenawildclaimwasmadebyanMPatPMQs.
Itwasn’tmuchofathreat:theyweretooclosetothesummerbreaktogothroughtherigmaroleoflettershome,punishingnon-attendance.Feasibilityalwayscountedlessthanattitude,however.Holdyournerve.
Asoneofhermorbidlypessimisticcolleagues,Andy,onceobserved:persuadinguptothirtypeoplethatonepersonstoodinfrontofthemwasmorepowerfulthanthemwasasortofmindtrick,anyway.
‘Theshortarsemobcouldkillyouiftheywanted,’Andysaid,cheerfully.
‘Thengotoprisonforalongtime,’Roisinsaid.
‘Undertheageofresponsibility,withlawyersforeachtospreadtheblamearoundthinly?They’ddolesstimethanI’vegotbookedawayinCrete.’
‘ThankGodourCheadlekidssimplyhavetoomuchconsciencetogoLordoftheFliesonus.’
‘Therespeakssomeonewhohasn’ttaught10Eyet.’
Itwasn’tagoodmomentforRoisintorecallthatconversation,ashermanagementof10Edisintegratedlikewettissue.
‘Lastchance.IsanyonegoingtoadmittoAdele,ordoeseveryonegetintrouble?’shesaid,handonhip.
‘Miss.Miss!’Amirsaid.‘Whatsongwasthatattheendofyourfella’sshow,Miss…?WasitMetallica?’
‘Whenhewaswiththatwaitress,behindhisgirlfriend’sback…’Paulysupplied,knowinghisrolewastokeepitgoing.‘Whatwasthatabout,Miss?’
AmirandPaulydidn’tusuallyupsetRoisin.Shestruggledtofindadifferentgearforthem,now‘ruefulchiding’wasn’tsufficientandoutrightlosingitwouldexposehowsensitiveshewas.
TheAdelesongmysteriouslyshutoff,andwithabiliouslurch,Roisinintuiteditwasn’tagoodsign.30
ZoeFarmersaid,‘OhmyGODS,itwasSODIRTY,’mock-affronted.‘Like,ewwww.Oldpeoplehavingsex,lol.’
‘Thebitinthetoilet,’saidLoganHughes,snickering.Ohno.Roisinhadforgottenhewasthere.He’dnotbeeninherclassbutlastmonthhe’dbeenregrettablytransferredfromanotherform,afterfightingorhavingsexwithprettymucheveryoneelseinit.Histutorendeduponbetablockers.
HewaswhatWendyCopelandcodenamed‘FCCC’:FutureCrownCourtCase.
Amirsaid,‘Miss,youknowhowyousaidCharlesDickenswroteabouthislife?Hasyourboyfrienddoneloadsofthethingsinthatshow?’
Roisinshouldknowwhattosaytoshutthisdown;shedidn’t.Shehadnotwar-gamedhowitwouldfeelforfourteen-year-oldstoaskheraboutherpartner’ssexualfantasies,orhowsheshouldrespond.PretendItIsn’tHappeninghadhitawallandwasabouttoburstintoflames.
Thatwasthethingaboutlosingcontrolofaclass:itwasabuildofmomentum,andyoueitherstoppeditintimeoryoudidn’t.Theyemboldenedeachother,notleastbecauseitbecameprogressivelyhardertonickanyoneforthecrimeifeveryonegotinvolved.
Roisinturnedaway,onthepretextofwritingsomethingonthewhiteboard.Herhandswerevisiblyshakingandshehadtoabandonthatidea.
Thatwasthemomentshetasteddisaster.
‘Right,’shesaid,inawobblingvoice,andwhensheturnedbacktotheclass,theirfaceswereexpressionsofamazement,fascinationandmaliciousglee.
Theyhadher.
LoganpulledouthisiPhoneandstartedplayingaclipoftheshow,audiblegruntingandhuffingcomingfromhishandset.Hewhackedthevolumeupsharply,sotheclassroomwasfilledwiththedisembodiedvoiceofJaspercommanding,‘Youlikethat?Tellmeyoulikethat!’
RoisincouldrecogniseJoe’svoiceintheirintimatemoments.She’dblockedthememoryofthosefewsecondsofhomageoutsincethescreening:there’dbeensomuchthatwasdifficulttothinkabout,nowondersomeofithadescapedher
Roisinstruggledtobreathe.Shootingpainsranupanddownherarms,herlegsfeelingliketheyweregoingtogivewayunderneathher.Shestarteddissociating,theclassroombecomingscenery.Shedidn’tcarehowshelookedanymore,shewasmerelytryingtosurvive.Roisingrippedherdeskandrecognisedshewashavingapanicattack.Itwashersecond:herfirsthadbeenwhenshewassixteenyearsoldandsawherbrotherRyanrunningdownthestreettowardsher.Apolicecarwasparkedoutsidethepubbehindhim.
‘Miss,areyougoingtobesick?MissWalters!’sheheardsomeonemaleask.
‘Isshe,like,literallyhavingaheartattack?’afemalevoicesaiddispassionately.
Roisingaveupbracingherselfonthedeskandsatdownonthecold,hardfloor.Concentrateonwhat’sreal.Thefloorisreal.
SheheardAmirsaying,‘Pauly,getMrsCopeland!’
‘No,I’malright,’Roisinsaid,unconvincingly,inavoicethatsoundedlikeanechodownalonghall.
Withinaminute,WendyCopelandwasinthedoorway.HershrewdgazetookinRoisin’spositiononthefloorandthetoadishsmirksandotherwiseavoidanceofhergazefromthemembersof10E.
Thebellthatsignalledtheendofthedayranginapiercingshriek.Thepupilsstartedthrowingtheirbagsovertheirshouldersandpilingtowardsthedoors,movingextrafastinthehopeofavoidingconsequences.
Roisingotunsteadilytoherfeet.
‘Excuseme,everyone!’Wendybellowed.
Theyfrozeasifinagameofmusicalstatues.MrsCopelandwasnottobe,anddidnotget,fuckedwith.
‘I’dliketoremindyouthatphonesinlessonsarestrictlyforbidden.IfIhearofanymakinganappearanceagain,they’llbeconfiscatedandlockedinadrawerinmyofficeforaslongasIseefit.Youwon’tgetanotherwarning.Useit,andloseit.Understood?’
Theymutteredassent.
‘Good.Go.’
Wendyknewwhathadhappened:Paulyhadbriefedherontheway.Roisinmovedintoanewzoneofshame.
‘Let’sgotomyroom,’Wendysaid,oncethelastpupilhadleft.
Wendy’sofficealwaysfeltlikeadiplomaticallyprotectedembassy,whilecivilwarragedarounditswalls.ATamaradeLempickaprintofthegreenBugattihungononewall,someAztec-printcushionsarrangedonchairsbeneath.
WendyCopelandwasinherlatefifties,withswishy,bobbedbronzehair,beautifullycutclothes,andanairaboutherthatsaidsheshouldberunningMI5,orperhapsjustthecountry.Shewasacaringandsupportivemanager,whilebrookingnotaninchofidiocyfromanyone.Roisinreveredher,triedtoemulateher,andcravedherapproval,abovemostthings.
‘Talktome,MissWalters,’Wendysaid,aftergesturingforhertosit.‘What’sup?’
Roisingulped.‘…IthinkI’vegotfoodpoisoning.You’dthinkI’dlearnnottoreheatChinesetakeawaysforbreakfastagedthirty-two,but…’Roisinmadeacomicgrimace.
Wendynoddedandletasilencestretchbetweenthemthatwasmoreeloquentthananyverbalcontradiction.31
‘Youareoneofmymostbuoyant,capable,unflappablemembersofstaff,Roisin.YoubrimwithCanDoattitudeandjoiedevivre.Heathwoodisveryluckytohaveyou.IfeelsurethatifaKungPaoChickenwithCashewNutswasonitswaybacktowardscivilisation,you’dhavetoldthetoeragstoreadquietlywhileyourantothelavs,’Wendysaid.
Roisinnodded,becauseifshespoke,she’dcry.Kindnesswaspushingherovertheedge.
‘Iunderstandtheyweredoingsometeasingregardingyourpartner’stelevisionseries?Theonethatwasonlastweekend?’
Roisinswallowedathroatlumpthesizeofahamsterandnoddedagain.
‘Yourpersonallifeenteringtheclassroomisadeeplyunpleasantfeeling,andnoonecanreallyprepareyouforit,’Wendysaid.
‘It’sjust…’Roisintestedhervoice,whichsoundedhoarse,andhopedshe’dnotneedtheboxoftissuesdiscreetlyplacednearWendy’sleftelbow.‘Ihadsolittlesay.Overthecontentofmypartner’sshow,Imean.Obviously,it’sgreatJoe’shadthesuccesshe’shad,but…’Shetrailedoff.
‘It’sapoorfitwithyourlineofwork?’Wendysaid.
‘Exactly,’Roisinsaid,withgratitude.‘Theybroughtitup,andI’dnotanticipated…’Shehadtopausetogatherherself.‘…howit’dfeel.’Hervoicewavered,dangerously.
‘Smartphonesdon’thelp,butletmetellyou,there’snothingnewunderthesun.Thishasalwayshappened,andalwayswill,’Wendysaid,torescueher.
Roisinclearedherthroat.‘Yes.IthinkI’dhavehandleditbetterifI’dbeenprepared.Istupidlydidn’texpectmypartner’sjobtobethatinterestingtothem.’
‘Oh,they’reseagullswithchips,’Wendysaid.‘Indiscriminateyetceaselessscavengers.Theword-of-mouthwildfireneverfailstoamazeme.LastyeartheydiscoveredPamelaMelleninPhysicalEdhadanoophorectomy.They’reaccessingmedicalnotesnow.’
Roisinhadforgottenaboutthat.LiketheAmericangossipsite,TMZ,itturnedoutthestudentbodyhadcontactsworkinginsidehospitals.
‘Needlesstosay,ItracedthesourcetoJaggerRileyinYear8.HisauntworksatTheChristie.YetIcouldn’tproveanything.ImustsayIwillberelievedwhenthelastoftheirludicrouslymonikereddynastymaketheirwaythroughoursystem.Ihopetoretirebeforethenextwavearrive.’
‘Ohhhh…isthatwhyMadonnaRileywasaMadonna?’Roisinsaid.‘Ididn’tknowifitwaspoporCatholicism.’
‘Mmm-hmm.IheartellofanexhilaratinglyrevoltingMileyRileyonherwaytowardsus,inprimary.’
Roisinlaughed.
‘However,thisisnoreasontoskipyoursmear,’Wendyadded.
Roisinlaughedagain.Herbosswasdry-as-a-bonefunny.Shewasalsoverygratefulrightnowthatshewasawoman.Roisinhadafeelingamalemanager,withlessclass,couldbeapproachingthisprobleminawaythatmadeitconsiderablyworse.Yourmaniswhattheycall‘SexPositive’now,then,eh?
Wendymovedastaplertoonesideandclaspedherhandsonherdesk.‘Letmetellyouastory.InmyfirstteachingjobinHampshire,IwasfoolishlyhavingaflingwithamarriedmemberoftheGeographydepartment.NeilHartley.Inmyinnocence,itwasasthoughhebestrodethatgrammarschoollikeabaldingcolossus.Hisclassroompresencewasthatofababoon.Madelovelikeone,too.’
Roisinletgoofasurprisedsnort.
‘Itwasunfathomablystupidonapersonalandprofessionallevel.Iwastwenty-fiveandawashwithlovesickhormones.Jesus,didnot,astheysay,havethewheel.’
Shetookasipfromawaterbottleonherdesk.‘Werevelledintheclandestinenatureofit.Sneakingaroundisratherexcitingandbecomesabitofanart,evenmoresobeforetheinternet.Itwasverymuchpartofwhatmadeitelectrifying.Wedrovemilesandmetatpubsandrestaurantsinthemiddleofnowhere,sowe’dnotbespotted.Ofcourse,ifyouplaytheodds,soonerorlater,youlose.’
Roisinfeltsomethingsurgingupinsideheragain,aself-doubtlikeseverevertigo.
‘Oneevening,wewerewhatmyparentswould’vecalled“necking”inacarparkatthislittlevillageintheNewForestcalled,I’mnotmakingthisup,Buckler’sHard.Whoshouldsaunterpastbutoneofthemostinsidious,slipperybulliesinlowersixth,whowewerelookingintoexpelling.Youknow,preciselythebastardyou’dleastwanttohavetheGotcha.’
Shedrewbreath.‘Weknewweweresunk.BythetimeIcametotakemyfirstlessononMonday,ithaddonetheroundssomanytimes,they’dpracticallyhungbuntingout.Iwascalledinbytheheadandreadtheriotact.Icoulddonothingbutsob,confessandpromiseitwasover.Whichofcourse,inmyheart,itwasabsolutelynot.’
‘OhGod,’Roisinsaid.‘I’mcringingforyoueventhinkingaboutit.’
‘Itwasdreadful.Everylessoninvolvedbeingheckledaboutmyruinouslystupidlovelife.Luckily,soonafter,NeilgotofferedaheadshipataschoolinWorcester.Isayluckily;atthetimeIwasdevastated,asIfeltsureweweregoingtobetogether.Justassoonashisfather-in-lawhadrecoveredfromhisnon-specificbutdebilitatingillnessthatimpactedhiswife,ashiscarer.’Wendypulledherblack-rimmedspectaclesdownhernosetopeerdirectlyatRoisin.‘NeedItellyoutheplottwistthere?’
Shesighedheavily.
RoisinthoughtofWendyasaforce-of-nature,self-assuredandinvulnerable,yetshefelttheoldhurtbubbleup,evenatoneremove.
‘Neilleft.Thenewscyclemovedon.Anotherintakeofkidsturnedup.Andanother.Andanother.Imetmyhusband-to-be.Itbecameveryoldnews,passingintofolklore.Theaffairwasforgottenbyeveryone.It’sactuallydifficulttobeterriblyinterestedingossipifyouonlyknowoneofthepartiesinvolved.Bearthatinmind.’
Roisinsaid,‘Iwill.’
‘Thisisn’tanythinglikeasbadasmyindiscretion,’Wendysaid.‘You’reblameless.You’venotbeencaughtwithyourtonguedownthethroatofamanwhoworenubuckactionsandals.’
Roisinactuallyguffawed.
‘Someadvicefromanolderowl.Youneedtogoontheoffensive.Makeitclearthatdiscussionofthisprogramme,letalonewavingphonesaround,willmeanthey’resentstraighttome.Iknowyouwieldauthoritywithalighttouchbutsometimes,I’mafraid,disciplinehastobeabigstick.’
‘IfeelasifIdothat,I’lladmitit’sgettingtome.’
‘Theywillbrieflythrilltotheannouncement,forthatreason.Butthenit’sover.Mygeneralpointisintheeyeofthestorm–andthisisn’tastorm,believeme–itfeelsimpossibleit’lleverloseitssting.Butitwill,andfasterthanyouthink.’
‘Thankyou,Wendy,’Roisinsaid.‘Thathelps.’
‘OK.Taketherestoftheweekoff.IhaveasupplyinHumanitiesherewhowasatalooseendanyway—’SheraisedherpalmasRoisin’smouthopenedinamazementandobjection.‘No,itwon’tbeanadmissionofdefeat.YouknowaswellasIdo,thislastweekisfebrile.It’smorelikebeingriotpolicethananeducator.They’vetastedbloodinthewater.Unfortunately,you’renotgoingtobetheonetogettheirmindonthesettexts.’
Roisinwasmortified.She’dnotthoughtthiswasheadinginthedirectionofherbeingunfit.32
‘Thisreallyisn’tnecessary…Honestly,it’llblowover,likeyousaid.’
‘Roisin,’Wendysaid,inanemollienttone,‘thisisn’tavoteofNoConfidenceinyou.It’svaluingmystaff’swellbeing.Idon’twantyoutohaveahardertimethanisnecessary.It’sfourdays.Goenjoyyourself.’Sheleanedbackandwavedherhand.‘Plus,yourpartner’sshowisonagain,when?Thatendingwasacliff-hanger,wasn’tit?’
RoisininwardlyrecoiledatthecasualrevealthatWendyhadseenit.She’dbeensoridiculouslynaive.SEENhadgeneratedcatchphrasesandmemes.Sometimes,modestywasjustaposhformofstupidity.
‘NextSaturday.’
‘Theremaybetrailersandsuchlike?Aretheystillcalledtrailers?TikTokisaforeignlandtome.’
‘WhenIcomebacknextyear,won’titbeathingthatIwalkedout?’
‘They’refourteen.Theywereraisedonsocialmedia.IcanpromiseyouthatinSeptember,thediscussionpointsofJulywillbelikerecallingTheWarsoftheRosestothem.’
Roisinwasnotwhollyconvinced.Butitwasnotwiseortactfultoarguewithabossbeingnicetoher,whohadobviouslymadeuphermind.
‘OKthen.Thankyou.’
‘Havealovelysix-weekbreak,’Wendysaid,standing,andRoisinfollowedsuit.‘Goingawayatall?’
‘Ah,noplansyet.Wasgoingtopaintthesittingroombutcouldn’tagreeonacolour,’Roisinsaid.They’dtalkedofgettingalast-minutedotcomdealtosomewhereinEurope.NowitwouldbeTheSummerSheAndJoeSplit.
‘Soundsrelaxing.Seefriends,eatanddrinkoutdoorsasmuchasyoucan,paintthatsittingroom,andwe’llhitthegroundrunningintheautumn,’Wendysaid.
‘Wendy,’Roisinsaid,assheshowedherout,‘Wereyoustillabletoexpelthepupil?TheonewhosawyouandNeiltogether?’
‘No,’shesaid.‘Thedeviouslittleshitgotsoverylucky.Itwould’velookedtoomuchlikerevenge,andhehadthekindofvocalparentswhowould’vebeenstraightontothelocalrag.Guesswhereheisnow?’
‘Prison?’
‘Arising-starToryMP.’
Roisingroaned.
Shehopedshe’dconvincinglyfeignedbeingbothgratefulandemotionallystableasshethankedWendyandreturnedtoherclassroomtocollectherthings.Shecarefullymadenoeyecontactwithanyoneinthecorridorsbutfeltnumeroussidelongglances.
OhGod;thestoriesthatwouldbedoingtherounds,thattheyshowedMissWaltersaclipofherbloke’ssexshow,andshefainted.ItcausedawhiplashofembarrassmentsostrongthatRoisinalmostwailedaloud,recallingit.
Shortofthestudentsgettingholdofnudes,shestruggledtoimaginewhatcouldfeelmoreexposing.Theonlywayitwouldhavebeensurvivable,dignity-wise,wasifshe’dplayedHunteroffasnothing.Thatoptionwasnotopentoheranymore.
Inherabandonedclassroom,RoisinsawafoldedpieceoflinedA4onherdesk.Sheunfoldeditwithtrepidation,toseecrudebluebiroartofaspurtingcockandballswithYOURBOYFREIND(sic)writtenunderneathit.
Roisinballedit,threwitintothebin,andaggressivelystuffedherbucketbagwiththenecessarybitsfromhercupboardanddrawers.Shehoistedherrubypink-streakedCalatheaintoherarms,itsleavespartlyobscuringherfaceinausefulway.Itwastheonlyfuckingthingthrivingaroundhere,shethought.
Chinup,shemarchedouttohercar.Ifanyonedaredspeaktoher,theywereliabletogettwattedwithatropicalplant.
Outsidetheschoolbuilding,shestrappedtheCalatheaintothepassengerseatlikeasmallchildmadeoffoliage,beforegettinginthedriverside.RoisinmomentarilystaredindisbeliefthroughthewindscreenofherFiatwhilesheprocessedwhathadhappened.
Compassionateleave.Wow.MrIDon’tNeedYourDrama,Roisinhadwrittenadramathatofficiallypubliclyhumiliatedher:nothingnotionalaboutitnow.
Hereshewas,inacarpark,fourdaysbeforetheendofterm,unabletofunctionasasecondaryschoolteacherinanerawherekidshadcomputersintheirpockets.
TherewasatapatthewindowandRoisinstartled.Amir.
Sheloweredthewindow.
‘Don’tyouthinkyou’vedoneenoughforonefuckingday?’shesaid.Theswearwordwaspurposelyintendedtoshockandintimidatehim.Itlookedlikeithadworked;hewasmomentarilywide-eyedandspeechless.Theyweremoreorlessoffschoolpropertyhere,andRoisinwasalongwayfromcaring.
‘Iwantedtosaysorry,Miss,’hesaid,appearinggenuinelyquitestricken.‘Iwasonlybeingfunny.Ididn’tmeanforittogettoyoulikethat.’Hepausedandsaid,solicitously,‘Ihopeyouarealright.’
Roisinappreciatedthesentiment,thoughAmirwasunintentionallyrubbingitin.Itwasnecessarybutdifficulttoacceptasincereapologywhenthedistresscausedwildlyoutweighedtheoffence.ShehadaninsightintohowGinahadfeltafterStarkersGate.
Sheswallowedhardandsummoneduphermostaltruisticteacherlyqualities.
‘Thankyou,Amir.It’sverygoodofyoutoapologise.Youhavetobeawarethatwhenyou’rewindingmeup,you’reencouragingothers,whomaybehavemuchworse.’
Thatwasreasonablecodefor,givingLoganHughesthatcuewaslikehandingachimpashotgun,shethought.
‘Iknow.I’mgonnaapologiseinfrontoftheclasstomorrow,too,’hesaid.‘You’llsee.’
Roisinwouldn’tsee,butonbalance,shedecidednottowarnAmirofthat.Hispunishmentwashowguiltyhe’dfeelatbeingtoldtheyweregettingasupplyinthemorning.Itwasunfair,butitwasworldseasiertopunishanypupilwithaconscience.
‘Thankyou,’Roisinsaid.
‘Ireallyloveyourlessons,Miss.’
HestuckahandthroughthewindowforRoisintoshake,asweetlycomicalmoment.
Sneakingaroundisratherexcitingandbecomesabitofanart.Itwasverymuchpartofwhatmadeitelectrifying.
ItwasonlyasRoisinwassatgridlockednearCongleton,staringmoroselyatabubble-gumpinkBMWZ4witha100%THATBITCHbumpersticker,replayingtheconversation,thatthethoughtcametoRoisin.
WastheremorethanonereasonwhyWendyCopelandtoldherthatstory?
Ofcourse,ifyouplaytheodds,soonerorlater,youlose.33
Roisinwasbrowsingthefruit-forwardandcomplexwhitesoftheLoireValleywhenshefeltheriPhonebuzzinginherbag.Shepulleditouttosee:MUM(MOB).
ThecapslocksuitedLorraine.Joeoncecalledhismother-in-lawahumanpushnotification
She’dnottoldhermumaboutherandJoe.She’dhadplentyoftimeinthedreadful,listlessfourdaysoffwork.Roisinhadhatedtimealonewithherthoughtsanddraggedthestepladdersanddustsheetsoutandpaintedthespareroominaneutralshade.Atrue‘fiddlewhileRomeburns’,usingFarrow&BallEstateEggshellinMole’sBreath.
Shealsosleptinthespareroom,whereshe’dstay.RoisinputherheadroundthedoorofJoe’swritingstudy,staredbalefullyatthemid-centurymoderndeskwiththehairpinlegs,wherehechurnedouthisevil.Therewasnocomputer,Joepreferringtobea‘digitalnomad’withalaptop.Nevertheless,itwasasifsheexpectedittocontainanswers.
Inholdingbackfromhermother,Roisinwasn’tbeingpurelyavoidant,foronce.StartingtoputwordroundtheparentsbeforesheandJoeagreedacommsstrategywasn’treallyon.LorrainehadphonenumbersforJoe’sparents,socialmediamadethingsevenmoreporous–discretioncouldn’tbeguaranteed.
GivenHunterwasalmostaweekold,RoisinhopedagainsthopethatLorraineeitherhadn’tseenit,orifshehad,wasn’tgoingtoraiseit.
Joehadbeenintouchintermittentlysincetheypartedonthelawn.Hesentcarefullybusiness-like,neutralWhatsAppsthatinformedherhowhismeetingshadgone(good),whatitwaslikegettingconnectionsatLAXforJFK(bad),andwhenhe’dbeback(nextTuesdayevening).
Hesignedoffwithonesmallkiss,whichsignifiedrespectfulaffectionbutnotcoupleywarmth.Roisinwasglad,andreturnedthecourtesy.
Wantmetobringanythingback,sweetheart?Xwastheonlyslightlypeculiarone,receivedatonea.m.,whichsheputdowntodelayedflightboredomandgin-pissedness.
Yes,please,alargebottleofElizabethArden5thAvenue,atinofBailey’sfudgeandyourinterestinme.(Instead,shewentfor:No,thanks,IstillhavelotsofTobleroneleft!)
StandinginReserveWinesonBurtonRoad,Roisinfelttheusualforebodingathavingabracing,mood-alteringinteractionwithhermother.TherewasnowayofknowingifshewasinLorraine’sgoodbooks–Roisin’spopularityratingsroseandfellinherabsence,withoutherneedingtohavedoneanythingtoaffectthem.
SheslidthebartoAcceptCallbeforetheheavyreluctancecouldovertakeher
‘Hi,Mum.’
‘Hi.Isitabadtime?’
‘No…?’
‘Oh.Youwereusingthatvoice.’
‘Whatvoice?’
‘TheHIMUMtenseone,inahighregister,’Lorrainesaid.‘Icancallback.Don’twanttobeanuisancetomychildren.’
Andwe’reoff.
‘It’sfine,’Roisinsaid,jawmusclesalreadylocked.‘I’mbuyingsomeboozetotaketoMeredithandGina’stonightfordinner.’
‘That’snice.Girls’night?Joe’saway?’
‘Yes,Joe’sawayinAmericaagain.BackTuesday.’
‘Ahhh.I’venotwatchedhisnewthingyet,sorry.I’verecordedit.Terencesaidit’sveryblue!’
Roisin’sstomachswirledwithacid;shewantedtounscrewthewineandstartswiggingitbeforeshe’dpaidforit.
‘HowisTerence?’shesaid,somethingshe’dneveraskedwithsuchdesperateeagernessbefore.Terencewashermother’sdaytimebarmanoffifteenyearsstanding.Astrangerfitwiththeso-called‘hospitality’industryyou’dneverfind.
‘Youknow.Terency.Iputsalamisandwichesonthemenuthisweekandheaccusedmeoftryingtoturnitinto“oneofthosegastricpubs”.’
Roisinwasgratefultolaugh.
‘Actually,thepubiswhyI’mcalling…’
Hereitis:TheThingYouWant.Theynevereverhadahowareyoucatch-upwithoutanangle.Although,ifshemadethiscomplaint,LorrainewouldsayRoisindidn’twantthosechatseither,whichwastrue.
‘…I’vehadastaffwalkout.I’mdowntojustmeintheeveningsuntilIfindsomeone,andtheagency’sslimpickingsareabsolutelyshocking,honestly.SinceBrexit,noone’saroundwhowantsthework.’
‘OK…?’Roisinsaid,extremelyapprehensiveaboutwherethiswasheading.
‘Iwonderedifyoucouldpopinandhelpme.OnlyuntilIhiresomeone.’
‘Mum,I’vestartedmysix-weekbreak…today,’Roisinsaid,withacarefulamend.
‘Iknow!It’sidealforyoutocomeandhelpyourmotherwhenshe’sinapickle.You’venotbeenbackforages.It’llbefun.’
Fun.Rinsingdriptrays,pouringpintsofmild,parryingflirtatiousremarksfromsixty-seven-year-olds,andscrapingleftoverfoodintothepigbin.Theemotionalblackmailsectionhadcommenced,natch.Roisincursedherselfforanswering.
‘You’reseriouslyaskingmetomovetoWebberleytoworkasummerjob,themomentI’vegotaholidayfrommyverypressuringactualjob?’
Roisinrecalledthepanicattackforthehundredthtime,andwantedtocurlupanddie.
‘Notmove!Youcandrivehomeeverynightifyouwant.’
‘Gee,thanks.’
‘Yourroomisreadyforyouifyoudowanttostay.’
‘Asenticingasthisis,Mum,it’sanope.Nothankyou.’
Roisinsoundedlikeachippilydefiantteenager.Infact,shewaswaterloggedwithguilt,aswasthewayoffamilialbonds.Aswasthewaywhenyourwidowedmotherwasputtingthesqueezeonyou.Itwastheequivalentoftappingyourkneecapwithalittlehammer,andyourleginvoluntarilyjerking
‘Alrightthen.Iwasgoingtotellyouthisinperson,becauseIdidn’twanttoworryyou.I’vealsohadalittlescare.Abreastlumpscare.’
‘Ascare?’Roisinsaid,steppingawayfromothercustomers.‘Whathappened?’
‘IhadalumpandtheGPcheckeditoutandsaiditwaslikelynothing.Itwasalittlefrightening.’
‘Theyknewitwasnothing,fromthatcheck-up?’
‘No…I’vehadabiopsy.’
Roisin’sstomachplummeted.‘Abiopsy?Whendidyouhavethat?Whenaretheresults?’
‘They’llletmeknowlatertoday,theysaid.Ihavefeltquitetiredbutputitdowntooverwork.Youknow,withdoingitallbymyselfhere.’
Roisinignoredthis.‘HaveyoutoldRyan?’
Itwastotallywithintherealmsofpossibilitythatshehadtoldherbrother,andRyanhadn’tcontactedRoisin.RyanhadmovedtoTorontosevenyearsago.AsfarasRoisinwasconcerned,emotionally,RyanhadalwayslivedinToronto.HermumwasclosertoRyan,andRyancoulddonowrong.
‘No.I’llcallhimafterthis.’
‘OK.’Roisinwassurprisedtobeprioritised,butclearly,needsmust.
‘PleasenoteIputtherequestfirstandhealthnewssecond,soyoucouldn’tsayIwasusingit.’
‘Except…thisstillamountstousingit,Mum.’
‘Oh,forgoodness’sake,Roisin,Ican’twin!SoIshouldn’thavetoldyou?’
‘Idon’tthinkyoucanaskyouroffspringtobeyourreliefstaff.’
‘Youcaninafamilybusiness.Youknowhowitis.It’snotlikeotherjobs.Ican’tsignoffsick–wouldthatIcould.AndifTheMallorygoesunder,Ilosemyhome.’
ThiswasakeynotespeechofRoisin’syouthandpartlywhyshehatedtheplace.TheMallory:millstone,HQofdrama,ahomethatanystrangercouldwalkinto.Helmedbyamarriagethatotherpeoplecouldwalkinto…God,nowonderJoethrowingtheirlifeonthescreenhadtraumatisedher.
Yetsheknew,asnodoubtLorrainehadexpected,thatshe’dnotbeabletolivewithherselfifthebiopsyresultswerebadandhermumwasworkingasoloshift.Inthatevent,she’dbevisitingtomorrowanyway.Evenifthenewswasgood,sheshouldvisit.
‘Alright,look.’Shepulledafacethathermothercouldn’tsee.‘I’llhelpouttomorrow.But,Mum,youhavetolookforsomeoneasamatterofurgency.Thisisaone-off.’
‘Yes,absolutely!Completelyunderstood.’
‘Willyoutextmetheresult?’
‘Ofwhat?’
‘Thebiopsy?’Roisinsaid.
‘Ohyes!Ofcourse.’
Eesh.Sheknewanoptimisticoutlookwastobecommended,buttherewasoptimistic,andthentherewasLorraine.34
‘Yougotusnicewine!Youcanstay!We’rediningalfresco,’Meredithsaid,takingRoisin’sofferingsasshesteppedintothehall.NicesmellsandChvrchesdriftedoutofthekitchenbeyond.
Roisinlovedcomingtotheirhouse.Meredithhadspottedadoer-upper,anddoituptheyhad.
Alargegolddiscoballhungbetweenthesnowyscrollsofcovinginthenarrowhallway,andarainbow-stripedcarpetranuptheblackglossedstairsinfront.
‘PatternedisBACK,baby,’MeredithhadinsistedtoadoubtfulJoe.
ThewalltotheirleftwascoveredinframedphotosofthelivesofMeredithandGina.Many,manyBrianClubnightsoutwereimmortalisedinthechosenimagery.
Assheputherbagdown,Roisin’seyesunfortunatelyhappenedtofastenononefeaturingthedistinctivecheekbonesofMattMcKenzie,laughingasGinajumpedonhisbackandgothiminaheadlock.Roisinwouldmisstheirfriendship.Itcouldn’tbeforever;thishadtobeawrinkle.Theywerealltooimportanttoeachother.
Ginawaslightingcandlesonthetableinthelittlesplit-leveloutdoorspaceontheothersideofthekitchen,whichhadtheurbanoasisforentertaininglook:nurseryblueandpinkhydrangeas,wisteria-cladwallsandstringsofnoveltyshapedsolarlights.
ItwasknownasTheHangingGarden,giventhenumberoftimesthatfive-hour-longdinnersherehadleftthemhangingoutoftheirarses.
Theyplayedwithbreadsticksandhummusuntilthedinnerappeared.Meredithhadtakenchargeofthecooking,servingaJamieOliverGreeklambrecipewithasidedishoffennel,bakedwithtomatoesandolives.GinadeclaredherselftotallyhappywiththelatterandaQuornvegetarian‘gammonsteak’.
RoisincouldhearJoe’sghostlymockery.Yourpartneralwayshasthatonefriend…WhatifthatkindofjoshingwastoconcealagenuinelyferociouscrushthatRoisinknewnothingabout?
Aslovelyasthecompany,thefoodandthesurroundingsweretonight,Roisinknewitwasapreambleuntilshebroachedthetopic.
Astheysatsippingtumblersofwineinthefadinglight,overtherubbleofthemaincourse,Gina,theonlyoneunawaretherewasaparticularpurposetotheevening,unwittinglybroacheditherself.
‘Rosh,Imeanttosay:IwatchedHunter!Sober!Itwassogood.ItwasasgoodasAmericanthings!Youmustbesoproud.’
‘Notreally,’Roisinsaid,smiling.Shewasgladshehadsortedanorderofserviceoutinherheadbeforehand.She’dplannedthebestlogicalorderinwhichtomakethereveals,astherewasmuchtogetthrough.
‘ButIwillpassyourpraiseon,G.Ihavenews.I’vesplitupwithJoe,’shesaid.Tellingtheparentsrequiredtiminganddiplomacy,butrightstospeaktothegirlsbelongedtoher.
Grenadethrown,shewatchedasGina’sfacecontortedintototalincredulity.Meredithblinkedseveraltimesinsurprise,thenraisedoneeyebrow,nodded,andtoppedRoisin’sglassup.
‘No!OhmyGod!What?Areyouserious?Why?!’Ginasaid.
‘It’sbeenshitforages.SinceJoe’scareertookoff.Ididn’twanttosayanything,becausehiscareerhadtakenoff.Ithoughtitwasgoingtochangeback,thatitwasaphase.IfIhadtoguess—’Shedrewbreath.‘AndIdohavetoguess,becauseIcan’tgethimtodroptheswaglordactandbehonestwithme–I’dsayhecheckedoutoftherelationshipalmostbymistake,atfirst.Hegotsuckeredinbythisexcitingnewworld,forgotaboutme.Nowhecan’tbearsedtoclimbdownandremember.IprettymuchknewweweredonebeforeBenbarrow.ThenIsawHunter…’
Herewasthehardpart.ItwastrickytoexplainhowbadlyJoehadtreatedherwithoutdiscussingherfamily.She’ddecidedonapartialdisclosure.
‘…Apartfromthethingsthatlookedexactlylikeourlivesonthere,trustmewhenIsaytherewereotherthings,privatethings,he’dusedthatItoldhim,thatIreallyobjectedto.I’dgosofarastocallitbetrayal.’
Roisinlookedatherfriends’transfixedfacesoverthetablecandlelightandthoughtshewasluckyneitherofthemweregossipsbynature.There’dbenoguessinggamebetweenthemlaterastowhatRoisinmeant.Theymightworkitoutindividually.Ifso,sobeit.
‘I’llprobablydiscussit,oneday.Rightnow,IhateJoetoomuchforforcingmyhand.’
‘Wegetit,don’tworry,’Meredithsaidfirmly.‘Forwhatit’sworth,Iwasonlygoingtodareslagitoffifyoudid,butIfoundHunterafairlydisturbingexperience.Doingtake-offsofusall,withoutwarningus,wasweird.ThenhismaincharacterisaJoe-alike,cheatingonaRoisin-alike.Itwastrashy,tobehonest.’
‘Weretheyus?’Ginasaid.‘Ithoughthe’drobbedtheoddthinghereandthere,buttheyweren’tus,really?’
Roisindidn’tknowwhattosay.Ifitwasbasedonthem,thenitstronglyimpliedJoehadletchedoverGina.
Roisinwouldhavetovagueitout.
‘Well,whenIchallengedJoe,Igotthisismybigart,youdon’tunderstandhowartworksstuff.Maybenot,Joe.Iknowhowrelationshipsandtrustanddecencyaremeanttowork,though.’
‘That’scold,’Meredithsaid.‘I’msosorry,Roisin.Howlong’sitbeen,almosttenyears?Wecareaboutyouboth.Iknowhowpushedyoumust’vebeentodothis.’
‘Thanks.Needlesstosay,I’monlygoingtowatchtomorrow’sepisodewheneverIcansteelmyself.’
Ginalookedagonised:shealwaysfeltothers’paindeeplyandwasprobablyavoidingspeakingincaseshesobbed.She’dhitabadgeroncewhiledrivingandhadtogotocounselling.(Again,Joehadfoundthishilarious,crooningBadgerintheWindtothetuneofEltonJohn’shit,poundingimaginarypianokeys.)
RoisinunderstoodthattearingJoedownwashurtfultoGina,andshehateddoingit.Butwhatchoicedidshehave?Shepressedafingerundereacheyetostaunchanywaterworks.Shecouldcryanytime;shewantedthiseveningtobeusedforotherthings.
‘…Itgetsworse.Ormyfeelingsgetworse;whetherthisisobjectivelyworse,Ican’tsay…’
MeredithandGinalookedsorapt,theyalmostweren’tbreathing.
‘WhenwehadthefightoverHunter,hedidn’tflinch.Hedidn’thaveanyguiltorremorseatall.Ihadthisoverwhelminginstinct…’Shepaused.‘Itwassomethinginthewayheliedtome,asifitwasnothingtohim.Icouldtellhe’dhadshitloadsofpractice.Ithinkhe’sdoneithimself.IthinkJoe’scheatedonme.Lots.’35
‘No!’Ginaexclaimed,inatoneofbaredenial.Then,‘No?’
‘Iknowitsoundsunhinged.Ican’tshakeit.It’slikeIflippedthetelescoperoundandI’mseeingeverythingdifferently.Therestaurant,thescarf,intheepisode?NotonlydidJoedothat–atSesso,twoyearsago,yourbirthdayifyouremember,Gina?Hewentbackonfoottogetit,thenwalkedhome.Hehadashowerwhenhegotin.Henevershowersbeforebed.ThatnighthedreamedupthefirstsceneofcheatingsexdramaHunter,andyetnothinglikethatactuallyhappened?’
Nooneknewwhattosay,whichwasunderstandable.
‘Rosh,Iamabsolutelydyingforawee,I’vegottogototheloo,butpromisemenothingmajorcanbediscusseduntilIgetback,’Ginasaideventually.
‘Promise,’Roisinlaughed,asGinapushedoutherchair.
‘DidyouevergetthisfeelingaboutJoebeforeHunter?’Meredithasked.
‘No,never,tobefair.’
‘Thatsuggestsit’smorelikelyyou’reseeingTelevisionJoehumpinglotsofactresses,atatimehe’supsetyou,andit’saffectedyou?’
Asever,Meredithwastoodefttosay:‘affectedyourjudgement.’
‘Iknowthat’stheobviousconclusion.Istandontheoutsideofthis,andIthinkI’mbeingridiculous.Thenmygutcarriesonstubbornlysaying:he’sdoneithimself,andthisisthecockiestmoveinthehistoryofcockymoves.Thelinesabouthowmonogamyisanimposition,andhedoesn’tfeelanyguilt.Howheand“Becca”haveagreatrelationshipanditmakesnooddstoherbecausehe’snotgotfeelingsforthesewomen.Howit’sethicalinfidelity.Meredith,IcanimagineJoesayingthosethings.’
‘Canyou?Ialwaysthoughtofhimasaone-womanman,notsomeonewithawanderingeyeatall.’
‘Mmmm.Yeah.AlwaysjudgementalofMatt’slifestyle,Isuppose.’
‘Exactly.’
‘JasperHunterpresentsasaone-womanmantotheworld,doesn’the?’Roisinpersisted.‘Infact,thewholepointisheinsistsheISone.He’sinlovewithBecca–hedoesn’tseethatloveiscontingentonnothavingsexwithotherpeople.’
‘But…it’smakebelieve…?’Meredithgrittedherteeth.‘Idon’tknow.’
‘Iwouldn’thaveseenthesimilaritiesifIhadn’tconfrontedJoe.Hewasabarrageofcuttingremarksanddismissals,noshame.I’mscaredthatJoeliesfluentlyandconstantly,withoutbreakingasweat.Whichisterrifying,frankly.WhohaveIgoneoutwith,alltheseyears?HowdidImissit?’
Ginareturned,scrapingherwrought-ironchairbackacrosspavingslabs,andsaid,‘Joewouldn’tdothattoyou,Idon’tthink.Ican’tseeit.Ifyouknewforsurehehadn’t,wouldyoustaytogether?Areyoutwocompletely,definitely,done?’
Itwasagoodquestion.Roisinhadexpecteditandstilldidn’thaveananswer.
‘Ithinkso.Idon’tknow.WhenItoldhimitwasover,Ihadn’tformedmyshaggersuspicions.Ionlyknewhehasturnedintosomeonequiteruthlessandremote…’
Roisinhadtostoptalkingashervoicecaught.He’dbeenthebodyontheothersideofherbedsinceshewastwenty-three.Endingitfelthuge.
‘…It’sonlyafterwardsthatthisideaofhissecretrampantinfidelityhasbeeneatingawayatme.IhavetoknowifI’mright.’
‘…Doyou?’Meredithsaidgently.‘Ifyouthinkit’sover,evenifhehasn’tcheated,doesitmatter?Imean,obviously,itmatters.Butitwon’tchangeanything?’
Fromtheirconcernedfaces,RoisincouldseeMeredithandGina,inaverycaringway,thoughtshe’dtemporarilylosthermind.Perhapsshehad.
‘Itmatters,fullstop,’Roisinsaid.‘Ihavetoknowifmylifewasn’tthelifeIthoughtitwas.IhavetoknowifI’vebeenmadeanidiot.IhavetoknowwhoJoeis.’
‘Youthinkthere’sawaytomakehimconfess?’Ginasaid.
‘Hah–Idon’tthinkthere’sawaytogetJoetodoanything.ButHunter’sadetective,right?Whydon’tIHunterthecluesI’vebeengiven?Startingwiththesmokingscarf.’
Ginapaused.‘AsktheminSessoifJoecameintwoyearsagoandhadsexwithoneofthewaitresses?’
‘No!Well.Iguesssortof,yes?’
Asilencesettledoverthem.
‘Afewquestions…’Meredithsaid,inthevoiceoftimidofficialdom,andtheymeteachother’seyesandstartedlaughing.‘Whywouldawaitresswho’ssleptwithacustomer’sboyfriendtellyoushehaddoneit?Iseelotsofdownsides,fromherperspective,’Meredithsaid.
‘Shewouldn’t,’Roisinsaid,takingaswigofwine.‘I’venotgotasfarasstrategy.Giveagirlachance.’
‘CanIaskastupidquestion?’Ginasaid.
‘Italmostcertainlyisn’tstupid,’Roisinsaid.
‘WhywouldJoedothis?Ifheismessingaround,surelythelastthinghe’ddoiswriteaboutitandputitontheTVforallofustosee?’
Meredithnodded.‘That’swhatIcan’tgetpast.’
‘Themadtitillationofparadingitandhidingit,atthesametime?’Roisinsaid.‘WhydoesanyonegobettheirwholemonthlyearningsatPaddyPower?Muchlikethesexhe’swritingabout,thewholehighisintheriskofbeingcaught.Imean,theblatantnatureofitisthemindfuckhere,isn’tit?Ifyousay:“Hecan’thavedoneitbecausehewroteaboutit”,thenyou’realsoconfirmingthatwritingaboutitisarock-solidalibi.WhichisexactlythekindoftrapJoelovesdesigning.’
‘Iseethat,’Meredithsaidslowly,‘whilestillthinkingit’sahugereachthatturnsJoeintoacrazedsupervillain.Ithinkhehasbehavedverybadly,butthecrimeisn’tplayingaway.’
‘Yes.I’venevergot“cheater”fromJoeatall,’Ginasaid,faceproppedonpalm.
‘Plus,bluntly,beforehemiraculouslypulledyou,Ineverthoughtofhimasveryconfidentwithwomen?’Meredithsaid.‘HewasalwaysquiteshyatWaterstones.’
‘That’strue,’Roisinsaid,rememberingtheflashofself-assuranceinhisaskingherout.‘ButmaybethereasonIneversenseditisbecauseIthinkofaffairsasperfumeonhiscollar,textstoasecretarykindofcliché.Anaffairwithaninterpersonaldimension.Ifit’srandombangsinbogstalls,howwouldIknow?He’shadyearsofworkingfromhomeandteachershavetotallyinflexiblehours.’
‘Wow.Ineedtocleartheplatesandgetthecheesecake,butIneedmymindtostopbeingblownfirst,’Meredithsaid.
‘I’lldoit,Mer,youcooked.OhGod…’Ginasaid,asshestoodup.‘IknowhowyoucouldfindoutthingsaboutbehindthescenesatSesso.’
‘Doyou?’
‘Yeah.WhatdidJoecallMatt?MrStaffWiFi?SendMatttotalktothewaitresses.You’dprobablyhavethecodetothesafebytheendoftheevening.’
Roisin’sskintingled.Ginawasontosomething.Roisinhadcomeouttonightwithagaudysuspicionandnowaytoimplementaninvestigation.ButherewasGina,droppinganobviousfirststepinherlap.
Also,thespectreofMattMcKenziehadbeenraisedandbothRoisinandMeredithfellquiet,deferringtoGinatoeithercontinue,ordropit.
Intheglitteringlatetwilight,acoupleofbatsscuddedaboutintheblue-darkabovethem,andtheywaited.
Ginaabandonedthecrockeryandsatdownagain.Shesighedheavily,raisedhereyestomeettheirs.‘Doyouknowthere’sawordinPapuaNewGuinea–Mokita?’
Therewasabeatofsilence,afterwhichRoisinandMeredithhowledwithlaughter.
‘Never,everchange,Gina,’Meredithsaid,whenshecouldgetherbreathback,andGinalookedconfusedbutpleased.36
‘Mokitameans“atruthweallknowbutnobodyspeaks”,’Ginasaid.‘Ilearneditatworktheotherdayfromsomeinternationalstudents.’
MeredithandRoisinsaidnothing.
‘MybeinginlovewithMattismokita…’Shelookedatthembothinturn.‘Youdon’thavetopretendyoudidn’tknow.Everyoneknows,andIknowthattheyknow.BeinginlovewithMatt…whenI’mfeelingstrong,itcanbeliveablewith.Evenfun,sometimes.WhenIhaveadownday,orhestartsseeingsomeone–Iworryit’sgoingtobecomeserious.ThatI’mgoingtohavetobefriendswithher.Thosetimes,it’slikesomeoneispunchingmefromtheinside.’
MeredithputahandonGina’sarm.
‘Forthelongesttime–well,thewholetime–Ithoughtbeingoneofhisbestfriendswasthenextbestthing.Thattheworstthingwouldbetonotseehim.NowIthinkit’stheonlythingIcando.’
‘Oh,Gina,’Roisinsaid.
‘Iknowthat’sselfish,bytheway.Ihatebreakingupthegroupandhurtingyoutwo,orDev,andJoe,orevenMatt.Inever,everwantedtomakeit“meorhim”.Butthat’sprobablythewayitis.’
Meredithopenedhermouthtosaysomething,andGinashookherheadtoindicate,‘Ineedtofinish.’Sheclearedherthroat.
‘Ihavethistest.Ihavehimhiddenonsocialmedia.Hedoesn’tknow–Igoinandlikerandomthingsregularlyenoughthathecan’ttell.Ihavehimhidden,becauseseeingaphotoofhimwithagirlcanruinmyday.Ihaveaphysicalresponsetoit.Iactuallyfeelsick.InthegoodtimeswhenIthink,oh,perhapsI’mgettingoverhimatlast,IcheckhisInstagram.IfindanyphotoofhimwithanyoneandseeifIcanstandit.Inevercan.Imaginehowit’llbeifhestayswithafamousactress?I’llhavetoavoidthenews!Ittakesthepiss!’
‘Actually,youcancrossthatworryoffthelist,’Meredithsaid.‘I’vegotadirtyhabitofreadingAmericangossipmagazines.She’sbeenlinkedtoJonHamm.ImessagedMatttoaskifitwastrueandhesaid,“Godknows,butshe’snolongerseeingme.”So,thereyouare.’
‘Oh.Right,’Ginasaid,processingthis.‘ButMatt’snevergoingtodateanormalperson,ishe?’
MeredithandRoisinnoddedinunderstandingofwhat‘normal’meantinthisspecificcontext.
‘…It’slikelovinghimisachroniccondition.It’sbeentenyears,andIdon’tthinkI’mevergoingtobecured.’
‘Whatif,ifyoumetsomeonereallygreat…’Meredithsaidcautiously.
‘Thisisit.Ican’tmeetsomeone,becauseofmythingabouthim!Aguyatworkaskedmeonadate,andheseemsreallynicebut…’
‘He’snotMatt,’Meredithfinished,forher.
‘IknowIwasmentalatBenbarrowHall.Iknowhedidn’tdoanythingwrong.Ifeelnakedaroundhimanyway,sooncehe’dliterallyseenmenaked,itwasmorethanIcouldtolerate.There’snopointmepromisingtobenice.It’slikeI’mbeinglow-keytormented.Mattismytormentor,andhedoesn’twanttotormentme,andIdon’twanthimtotormentme.Neitherofuschosethewaythingsare.Itjustis.’
AsGinafinishedspeaking,tearsrolleddownherfaceandshesaidhastily,‘I’mfine,I’mfine.Fuck,itfeelsgoodtoadmitit.Mynudeepisode,itwasn’tfornothingifitmeansImoveon.Idon’twanttomoveon,butthenIthinkmywholeproblemhasbeenwaitinguntilIwanttomoveon.Iknowit’swhathastohappen,soIhavetodoit.Evenifit’sgivingmenothingbutpainrightnow.Ifthatmakessense.’
Actually,toRoisin,havingfailedtoexplainherpositiononJoe,eventoherself,itmadestaggeringamountsofsense.RoisinandMeredithwerebothshinyofeye,too.They’dnotgraspedtheextentofGina’ssuffering.
RoisinhadfearedMatthadbeenperemptoryandgracelessinhisdeparturefromtheirgroup;perhapsitwaswiseforesight.Hewasgoing,beforeGinahadto.
Athoughtoccurred.
‘Didhemessageyou?BeforetheBrianClubmessagetousall?’
Ginalookedsheepish.‘Yeah.Ipickeditupwhenwestoppedattheservices.HeaskedifitwasbestifhewentandIsaidyeah.Iwasstillangrythen.NowI’msad.DoyoubothblamemeforbeingsuchachildthatI’veruinedtheBrianClub?’
‘No,’Roisinsaid.‘Youhaven’tbeenachildandyouhaven’truinedit.Itwillsimplytakedifferentformsnow.’
‘Yeah,Iwantyoutoseehim!He’snotbanned,’Ginasaid.
‘SamewithJoe.It’snotabitterdivorce,’Roisinsaid,beforeshecouldthink.Itwasonlyasshespokesherealised,inlightofallshe’dsaid,howstrangeshesounded.Shesupposedwhatshemeantwas,it’snotabitterdivorce,yet
AsshetravelledfromUrmstontoWestDidsburyinhertaxi,Roisinsuddenlyrealisedshe’dhadnothingfromhermum.ShefumbledforheriPhone.
Didyougetthebiopsyresult?X
Thankfully,twoblueticksappearedinstantly.
MUM(MOB)istyping
MUM(MOB)istyping
MUM(MOB)istyping
MUM(MOB)istyping
Toomuchtypingforgoodnews.Roisinstartedplayingthelotteryofprospectsinherhead,bargaining.Shedidthatwithherdad,beforeshe’devenreachedthepatrolcar.Ifit’sX,wecancopewiththat,ifit’sY,wewilldeal.Please,pleasedon’tletitbeZ.
Shefelttheanimalisticterroryoucanonlyfeelwhenmortalityappearsonthehorizon.
Yes!Isfine.Arelief.Lookingforwardtoseeingyoutomorrow.Half5wouldbeideal
Phew,butalso,what?She’dhadthatphonecallfromtheclinicandnotthoughttoletherkidsknowrightaway?
Therehadbeensomething:Lorrainewasn’tsomalevolentastopluckitfromtheair.Butshewouldn’tbeabovegettinganallclearbeforeshe’dspokentoherdaughter,andputtingittousebydelayingit,either.
BeforeRoisincoulddecidehowmuchofhermother’saccountshebelieved,shedecidedshewasgoingtoletitgo.
Catchingoutoneliarinherlifewasquiteenough,forthetimebeing.37
Roisinindicatedleftandaudiblyexhaledoverthe6Musicpresenterassheturnedthecornerofthefamiliar,picturesqueroad.Windowdownintheheat,shepassedaflotillaofchatteringgirlsinbridalveilsteamedwithequestriangear,JillyCoopernovelcosplay.ShepredictedshewasheadingintoanotherofLorraine’stiradesaboutthescourgeofAirbnbs.
FamilieswhokepttheirWebberleymansionsasoneoftwohomeshadstartedrentingthemoutforspendystagsandhens.
You’dthinkit’datleastgivemesometrade,butno,they’reinTheBullswithitshorsebrassesandshittyshoescraperbecauseitlooksmorerustic,saidLorraine.Shewasalwaysfuriouswhenpeopleexercisedtheirfreebornrighttodisposeoftheirdisposableincomeelsewhere.
TheMalloryhadbeenacoachinginnwithroomsatthetimeRoisin’sparentstookitoverintheearlyNineties.Havingonechild,Roisin,andanotherontheway,KentandLorrainehaddecidedtousethespaceupstairsasafamilyhome.
Itwasnamedafterthevillage’smostfamousalumnus,amountaineerwho’ddiedfirstinasemi-famousexpedition.Asasullenteenager,Roisinhaddecidedthatwastypicaloftheplace.ShecalledTheMallory‘TheMalaise’.
TheWalterswereananomaly,owningbricksandmortarinanincreasinglywealthyareawithout,aspublicans,beingwealthy.
They’dboughtitwithagiantmortgagewhichwasnowdowntosomethingmoremanageable,yetitstilldidn’tmeanmuchleftovereverymonth.Lorrainewasn’tabletosellTheMalloryandmakesufficientprofitthatshewascontenttoretireonitaspension,Roisin’slatefatherbeingascrewit,let’sdoitkindofguywhenitcametospending.
Roisinsuspecteditwasmorethanfinancialhubris:thiswastheplaceshe’draisedherkids,lostherhusband,foundherprincipalsenseofidentityandworthasthesirenlandlady.Webberleywashome.
Oncesold,she’dhavetomoveaway.She’dnotbeabletofindmuchforhermoneyinfootballer’sCheshire,andit’dmeanshe’dnotonlybeexiled,buttowhatLorraineconsideredgenteelpoverty.Therichmanshe’dexpectedtoremarryhadstubbornlyfailedtomaterialise–nodoubt,she’dtoldherchildren,becausehedidn’twanttotakethemon,too.
Sohereshewas,stakingoutthelastshabbypremisesinaprosperouslypleased-with-itselfdormitoryvillageofManchester,andyetimaginingherselfitsQueenVictoria.
Thefashionablepub,TheBurntStump,sprayeditsgableendwallcornflowerblueandstencilleditsnameinhugefontontheside,gatheringcrowdsunderitswhiteawningsinthesummer.TheBull’sHeadwentGoodFoodGuide-listed,withitscracklingfires,hopbine,andexceptionalpies.
TheMalloryremainedthecrapone,which,theolderstalwartlocalssaidapprovingly,‘hadn’tchangedforthetouristsandtownies.’Asifnotchangingwasavirtue,whenyou’dstartedoutnotbeingverygoodinthefirstplace.
Roisinparkeduponthegraveloutsideandcrunchedtowardsthefamiliararchedbrickporchdoorway,themouthoftheMockTudorbeast.Itwasalwayssmallerthaninmemory.
‘MyDAUGHTER!’Lorrainewhooped,emergingthroughit.Shewasinadresswithapalm-leafprint,gatheredhighabouthernecklikeitwasabeachsarong,herthick,darkbrownhairinariverofponytaillikeahorse’smane.She’dhadeyelashextensionssinceRoisinlastsawher,likecrushedflies:theyhadasultryimpactthatstoppedjustshortofsurprisedsexdoll.
‘Hi,Mum.Youlookincredible.’Roisinleanedinforakiss.
‘Ahwell,thanks.Broilerchickendressedaspoussin,that’sme,’shesparkled.‘IdolikeyourhairthatlovelydeepRibenashade,Imightcopy.’
Shealwaysforgot:thethingaboutLorrainewas,shewasgoodintheroom,asJoesaidofcertainwriters.Roisingathereditmeanteffervescentcompanyandquickofwit,whichcompensatedforothershortcomings.
Lorrainewasfabulous,rightupuntilthemomentyouneededanythingfromher.
Rightnow,ofcourse,hermumneededher
Roisindumpedherbagsinheroldbedroomandheadedstraightdowntothebar,beforeshecouldbecomereflective.ItwasfillingupsteadilyasSaturdayeveninggotgoing.
Sheknewthisspacesowell,fromthetimewhenherheadwasonalevelwiththedriptrays.Thegrubbyspeckledtanlinoleum,thedeepbasin-shapedbinsonwheels,thegummybottlesoflimeandlemoncordialwithpourercaps,therowofopticsforthespiritsandthecardboardsheetyourippedbagsofpeanutsandScampiFriesfrom.
Asateenager,she’dbeenverypopularforherabilitytoserveunder-agers,andhavingthefunparents.
Roisinrolledhersleevesupandsaid,likeslippingintoanativelanguage,‘Hithere,whatcanIgetyou?TwoHarvestPales,comingup,’asshereachedforapintglassonthewebbedrubbermattingontheshelfaboveherhead.
MariahCarey’s‘Fantasy’pealedfromthejukeboxinthecorner,theselectionlastupdatedinabout2005.
Lorraineswungherhipsandsway-boppedasshesangalong,wordperfectwhileserving,wavingherhandandclosinghereyesduringthehighnotes,asifshewasMariah.ItwasdistilledLorraine:halfironic-humorous,halfcompletelycommittedshowingoff.Anaudienceofseveralenchantedmenwerehangingaroundtowatch,asper.
‘Gotthebandbacktogether–mydaughterRoisin’swithmetonight,’shesaid,asifshewasGeorgeMichaelintroducingEltonJohn,pointingwithbothfingersather,overherhead,toasmatteringofapplauseandrippleofinterestontheothersideofthebar.
‘Canseewhereyougetyourlooksfrom,’leeredanoldboyinagolfsweater,andRoisinthought,yep,I’mbackonguestvocalsinTheMallorysupergroupalright38
‘YourmumsaysyourfellamakesSEEN,isthattrue?’saidathirty-somethingmanincolouredskiglasseslikeanoilspillrainbow.
‘Yeah,’Roisinsaidguardedly.‘￡19.98,please.’
‘IsHarryOrtondead?’hesaid,flappinghiscardoncontactless.
RoisinrememberedthatwasasecretshewaskeepingforJoe,andJoe’sapproachtohersecrets.
‘Youreallywanttoknow?’shesaid.‘Youwanttobespoilered?’
‘Yes!’
‘No,theyfishhimoutoftheThamesaliveandthebulletmiraculouslymissedanymajororgans.He’ssignedupforanothertwoseriesatleast,sodon’texpectthemtokillhimoffanytimesoon.’
‘Woah,thankyou!’
Roisinwatchedhimreturntoalargetabletodelightedlyreporthisclassifiedintel.
AnotherepisodeofHunterairedtonight.Roisindreadeditanditspotentialrevelations.‘Becca’probablydecidedtodoaPGCEanddyeherhairmauve.Shewasextremelygladthisshiftwouldkeepherandhermotherbusy,amplycoveringitstimeoftransmission.
WhataboutSesso,andGina’spointthatMattcouldsleuthitforher?
Inthesoberlightofanotherday,Roisinhesitatedatinvolvingablamelessthirdparty.
ThenshepicturedseeingJoeinacoupleofdays’time.Caughtonceagaininhisverbalconjuringtricksandscathingbrandofgaslighting.Theonlyreasonshe’dcalledhimoutsohardonthelawnthatmorningwasbecausesheknewforsurehe’dcommittedatleastonecrime.Ithadtakengritandmentaldexteritytopinhimtothewallforit,andshestillwasn’tsureshe’dsucceeded.Onceyouknewsomeonecouldbetrayyouoversomethingthatseriousandtrytoblufftheirwayoutofit,howcouldyoutrustawordoutoftheirmouthaboutanythingelse?
Perhaps,inonerespect,RoisinhadbecomelikeJoe.Shehadtoprovehewaslying,becausenowshehadtowin.
Sheslidherphoneoutofherbag,underneaththebar.
HiMatt!Don’tsendmeaheartsickturdemojiforthis–unlessyoureallywantto–but,withdubioustiming,Ineedtoaskyouafavour.Aconsiderablefavour,whichyouhaveeveryrighttodecline.ItcomeswithacomplicatedcontextthatIwillhavetogiveyouoverapint.CanItemptyoutohearmeout,ifIbuythepints?Rx
PSIdon’tneedsperm
Whenshecheckedherhandsetwhilepullingapintoflagershandy,fifteenminuteslater,shehadaresponse.
HiR!YOUWANTMYSPERM,EH.Thisisallfine,exceptisthissomebait&switchaboutrejoiningBrianC?Theladyisnotforturning,onthat.Mx
Roisinlethermotherservethenextcustomersandtypedback.
No,absolutelynot,andwecanmakethataforbiddentopicifyouwant.I’mhelpingoutatmymum’sshort-staffedpubinWebberleytonight,drivingbacktomorrow.ShallIshoutyouinManchestersometimenextweek?
Hmmm…orIcouldcomeouttoWebberleytomorrow?Ifancysomefreshair.Arrivelatemorning,say10.30,youdrivemeback?WecoulddoaSundayyomp,whateveroneofthoseis.X
PSpleasefindTupperwarewithalidthatfitsforthesperm
Roisinhadn’texpectedthisrequest.Herinstinctwastodeterhim,assheneverinvitedherfriendsouthere.Yetshecouldn’tthinkofasingledecentreasontosayno,andshewasabouttoaskquitealotofMatt.
Sure,ifyoureallyfancythesticks?Here’sthelinktomymum’spub.Ringthedoorbell.Pleasewarnmeifyou’llbewithoneofPeoplemagazine’s100MostBeautifulandI’llatleastbrushmyhairx
Justme,oneofAmateurPotatoGrowermagazine’sMostBeautiful.Seeyouthen!Mx
RoisinponderedMatt’sunexpectedinterestinthecountryside.Washe,despitewhathetoldMeredith,worriedaboutpaparazzi?
Sheidlygoogled:AmeliaLeeBoyfriend.
ThelatesthitsshowedAmeliainrecentdaysbrowsingSantaBarbarashopswithhernewlove,JonHamm:bothoftheminaviatorglasses.‘Thelovebirdsmetonthesetoftheirnewfilm,anadaptationofTheBeautifulandDamned.’Forfuck’sactualsake!Roisinstartedsnort-gigglingtoherselfabouthowRubywantedtodateanordinaryguy.
Oh,Matthew,yousoarlikeIcarus:tooclosetothesun,andatthemercyofyourownjawline.Shehopedhewasbeautifulandnotdamned.
Roisinwastryingnottothinkaboutthefacthewouldn’tbelightingupanyBrianClubbingfortheforeseeable.ShehopedGinafoundsomeonegreatandhealed,anditcouldbereconvened.Butbythen,it’dbedifferent.AndJoeless?WhatmoredidhewanttosaywhenhegotbackfromAmerica?Wasita‘let’skeeptalking’professionalbanalityhe’dportedintohisprivatelife?Shestaredintothemiddledistance,whileherstomachmixedcement.
Astranger’svoiceinterruptedherreverie.
‘CanIgetapintofHarvestPale,love,orisitself-service?’39
Thedoorbellshrilledat10.30a.m.onthedotandhermothersaid,‘That’llbetheSchweppes.’
‘No,it’smymate,remember?’Roisinsaid.‘Imightremovethedecoration,butit’suptoyou.’
LorrainewasinastunningoysterJapanese-printrobe.Roisinwasreferringtothefluffyunicornsleepmaskpusheduponhermum’shead.Thegreyfabrichornwaspointingtothesky,apairofhugestylisedplasticgooglyeyesbeneath.(LorrainehadstayeduplaterthanRoisin,watchingAndJustLikeThatwithavodkaandsoda.)
Roisinhadforgottenhermother’sloveofmixinghigh-endapparelwith‘humorous’merchandise.
Roisinboundeddownthenarrowstaircase,outpastthebarandthroughtoopenthedoor,theheftybunchofjanglinggaoler’skeyssittinginthelock.
She’dpreparedhermumforMatt’svisit,sayinganoldbookshoppalintheareawascallingonher.RoisinwasmercifullymarkedsafefromLorrainetaggingalongonthewalk:hermothersawnopointinambulatorymovementunlesstherewasSelfridgesandaFrench75attheotherendofit.
Ithadrainedheavilyovernight,andtheskywasathreateningcanopyofgrey-beige,likeacupofteathatsomeonehadusedtowashapaintbrush.Despitetheclammylate-summertemperature,she’dneedawaterproof.
‘Morning!’Roisinsaid,atthesightofasmilingMatt.Hewasinabuttoned-updarkdenimjacketoverblacktrousersandthosebatteredbrownbootswithcanary-yellowlaces.Roisinalmosthootedatthewayhe’ddressedforSundayInTheCountryside,asifhewasinabroadsheetsupplementfashionfeature.Hejustneededtobelaughingatsomethingoutofview,onefootuponasawnlog.
‘Mornin’.Thisiswhereyougrewup?It’sabitofacoolplacetogrowup,isn’tit?Howbig’sthatgarden?’Hecasthiseyesupatthebuilding,thenleanedback,handsinpockets,inspectingtherear.
‘Itwasfullofpissheads,butithadtodo,’Roisinsaid.‘Comemeetmymumandthenwe’llheadout.I’vedesignedusanactualrouteandeverything.’
SheledMattintothepub,whereLorrainewasdownstairs,cashingupfromthenightbefore.
‘OhmyGod,’Lorrainesaid,whiskingthemaskoffherheadinamicrosecondasshesizedherguestup.‘WhoorderedyoungHarrisonFord?’
‘HarrisonFordifyouorderedhimfromWish,’Mattsaid,notmissingabeat.
TheybothexplodedintolaughterandRoisincouldn’tdecideiftheirfirstencounterwasgoingreallywellorverybadly.Shedidnotdesiretheirformingamutualfanclub.
‘ThisisMatt,Matt,mymother,Lorraine,’shesaid,asMattreachedoverthetilltoshakehands.
‘She’skeptyouwellhidden,’hermumsaid,herfacesuddenlyaglow,aswelcomingasanopensunflower.Good-lookingmenpreparedtobanterwithherwereherabsolutefavourite.
RoisinhustledMattoffontheirwalkbeforeLorrainecoulddecidehemuststayforlunch
Theysetoff,headingoutofthevillagebypickingtheirwayalongtheunevenverge,inthatstrangelyunexpectedcompletequietofacountryroad.Ancienttreesknittedleavestogether,overtheirheads,givingthedaylightanemerald-greentint.
‘Wouldn’thavepredictedyou’dlikewalkingandwalks,’RoisinsaidtoMatt,glancingathimingratitudeforbeingsucheasycompany.Evenforsuchanoldfriend,itcouldfeeleversoslightlyawkward,theirbeingheretogether,outofcontext,butitdidn’t.
‘Hardtogetanywherewithoutwalking,’Mattsaid.‘I’mnotatotallyurbancreature,youknow!WewenttoCenterParcsonce,remember.’
Roisingrinned.SherealisedsherelishedbeinginWebberleytoo,whichwasalsounexpected.Thepubwasfullofghosts,butthelandscapearoundthevillagehadnosuchnegativeassociations.ShehadtemporarilyescapedtheclaustrophobiaofWestDidsburyandthemindgamesofJoePowell.
‘Rained-onbracken!Youdon’tknowhowmuchyou’vebecomeacitygituntilyourealiseyouneverseebracken,’Roisinsaid,pointing.
‘Yes,lookatus,present,enjoyingthemoment.NotaMarmaladeNegroniinsight,’Mattsaid.‘Iusuallyonlyseebrackenintelevisionshowswithpolicetape.’
‘Hah,weweresayingthisaboutBenbarrowHall.Whyareallourreferencepointsforgrandthingsrelatedtomurder?’ItoccurredtoRoisinthiscouldsegueintoHunterchat,andshewasn’tready.
‘NotseeingAmeliaanymore?Whathappenedthere?’sheadded.
‘Ugh.Don’t.’
‘Sorry!Ididn’tknowhowseriousyouwere.’
‘Completelyunserious,butshestillmanagedtogetmesackedfrommyjobbeforeweendedthingsaftertwodates,so…’Mattpaused.‘Actually,no,Igotmyselfsacked,withherhelp.What’sthatsaying,“meetoneasshole,youmetanasshole;meetthemallday,you’retheasshole”?Lastweekendtaughtmethatwhencatastrophefollowsyoueverywhere,youarethecatastrophe.’
‘Sackedfromwork?You’reoutofajob?’
‘Yep,ongardeningleaveforsixweeks.’
‘Gardeningleave?’Roisinwaiteduntilthey’dpassedsomeotherwalkers,makingthemumblednod-smilehello.‘Doesyourlineofworkhavethat?Ithoughtitwasacorporatething.NotthatI’mslylyrunningitdown!I’mignorant.’
‘You’reneverslylyrunningmedown.Unlikesomepeoplewewon’tmention.’Mattthrewherasmilethatshereturneduncomfortably.
‘ThatjaunttoLisbonwasaworktrip.ItcamewiththestringsthatIhadtotakeafriendoragirlfriendandpostcontentfeaturingbothofus.I’mchattingtothismysteriousredheadonHingeandlatenight,shesays,whydon’twehaveafirstdateinLisbon.I’llmeetyouthere.Ithought,cool,yes,whynot.Embracethespontaneity.Herphotosaresuperlifestyley,she’sverymodelly,soitneveroccurstomeshe’dmindtakingselfiesclinkingbrandyballoons…’
‘Didyoureallynotspotwhoshewas?’
‘No,she’dbeenclever.Ameliawasalwaysinafacemask,atadistancepullingayogapose,orhalfobscuredbythatdog.She’donlymatchedwithmeaweekbeforeandtobehonest,I’dnotpaidhugelycloseattention.’
Plus?achangere:Mattandladyfriends,Roisinthought,butdidn’tsay.
‘Isee.ThenshemeetsyouinLisbonandsays,nophotographs?’
Roisinstopped,pokedbothherhandsoutofhercagouleandshookherindexfingersupanddown,asifshewasindicatingplanecabinlights.
Mattlaughedandgroaned.
‘WeirdlylikeRyanairpre-take-off,wasn’tit?’Roisinsaid.‘Shouldthecabinlosepressure,anoxygenmaskwilldropfromtheoverheadarea.’
‘Ineededanoxygenmaskbytheendofthat,letmetellyou.’
‘Hahahaha.’
‘Yeah,so.Shearrives.Ifindoutwhosheis.Ithinkit’sthemostincrediblepublicityforthevineyardimaginable,andthenrealiseit’sutterlyuseless.Shewon’tletmesomuchashaveherhandinshot.WhatdoIdo?Tellhertogo?Draftsomeoneelsein?Callmybossandsay,“I’mverysorry,IinvitedawomanInevermetbefore?Itturnsoutshe’ssofamousshe’sbroughtabodyguardwho’sex-SpecialForces,andI’llnotbeprovidinganyevidenceofthisclaim?”’
Roisinputahandoverhermouthandlaughed.‘Sorry.’
‘It’salright.Iknowit’sridiculous.Muchlikeme.Ireturnwithnopictures,andthisdeeplybullshit-soundingstory.Irunouronlinecontent,tomakeitworse.TheMD’ssonhasrecentlytakenoverthebusinessandhe’sbeengunningtogetridofmefromthestart.TheoldMDlovedmeandpaidmewell,soI’masorethumbonthewagesbill.Thesonusesthisfuck-upasareasontoletmego.HehadmeinonMondayandgavemethespeech.“Nohardfeelings,goquietlyandwe’llseeyouright.Takeusthroughatribunalandevenifyouwin,we’llmaketheNorthWestscorchedearthforyou.”Also,imaginethetribunal.I’dhavetoargue,howshouldIknowmydatewasanA-lister?CanyouimaginethestoryintheManchesterEveningNews?’
Roisinstartedhiccup-gigglingagain.‘Imean,that’dmakethenationals.UnfairlydismissedforaccidentallydatingAmeliaLee.’
‘Quite.Plusthepayoffisverygenerous.IgetgardeningleaveasIwasabouttocloseadealwithasmallchainofrestaurantsuphereanditwasalargecontract.Theydon’twantmemudlarkingaboutwhilethecontractsaresorted.’
‘You’llgetanotherjob,easy,’Roisinsaid.‘You’reyou.’
‘Yeah,’Mattsighed.‘I’mme.’40
Amomentpassedwithonlythestamp-stampoftheirbootsandthewhiskingnoise,backandforth,ofstoutfabricsrubbingastheystrodeforward.
‘IsupposeIshouldcoughtothecrazyfavour,’Roisinsaid.‘Ineedtogiveyoucontextfirst.WhatI’mabouttotellyouisabsolutelyconfidential,andotherwiseknownonlybyGinaandMeredith.’
ShelaunchedintoanaccountofHunter,ofbreak-upfights,andmountingsuspicions.Sheconcluded,nervously,withherideathatSessomightholdaclue.
Mattlistenedtoitallinsilence.
‘YoumeanoneofthewaitstaffatSessomighthavehadanassignationwithJoe?’Mattsaid.
‘Yes,’Roisinsaid.
‘OK.What’sthefavour?’
Shenoticedhedidnotdeclarethisunlikely,letaloneimpossible,butthen,therewasafairbitofpre-existingenmity.
‘Youcould,withyournetworkingabilityandgeneralwaitress-whisperingskills…askthem?’
Roisinwasgladtheyweresidebyside,asshe’dbeembarrassedtolookhimintheface.Theywerepassingthechurch,whichhadprobablynotheardanythingthisstupidsinceithadbeenbuiltinthe1200s.
‘Sesso’sserversareyoung.Idoubtanyonewhowastheretwoyearsagowillbetherenow.’
‘That’sagoodpoint.’Roisinwasn’tgoingtohaggle.Shewonderedifthiswasindeedcertifiablebehaviour,asGinaandMeredithhadtriedtotellher.Shewasalmostrelievedtobetoldthiswasn’tviable.
‘However,theirfrontofhouse,Rick,hasbeentheredonkeys,andIneedtobeworkingmycontactsatthemomentanyway.I’llhaveadrinkwithhimanddosomesubtlefishing.’
‘Oh!OK.Thanks.’
‘Thingis,Rosh.Whilewe’rebeingfrank,andgivenJoeisyourex…?’Mattglancedatherforcorroboration,andshenodded.‘Ididn’tonlyleavetheBrianClubbecauseoftensionwithGina.Ginawaseighty-fivepercentofit.Joewasatleasttheotherfifteen.’
‘I’m…notsurprised.’
‘Idon’tknowwhatIdidtoupsethim,butatsomepoint,hedecidedIwastheenemy.Ithoughthimrevellingintheblow-upbetweenmeandGinawasreallylow.’
‘Yeah,Iagree.’
‘IfIwasn’tdoingsuchagoodjobofmakingmyselfunpopularinthegroup,I’devenwonderifhewantedtopushmeout.’
‘Funnyyousaythat;IthoughtitwasatactictogiveJoecausetoleave.’
‘Notleft,though,hashe?’
‘Mmmm,notyet.Fairpoint.’
‘Thismakeshelpingyoueasierandmorecomplicatedatthesametime.Idon’treallyfearpotentiallyruiningafriendshipthatdoesn’treallyexistanymore.That’stheeasypart.’
‘Iseethat.’
‘Butit’sharderformetosayI’mnotpartlymotivatedbyspite.I’mnotwrestlingwithmyconscience.’
‘Youknowwhat,Matt,Ishouldn’thaveaskedyou.’
‘No.’Mattstoppedwalkingtolookather,afinemistofalmost-rainclingingtohisfaceandhairlikedew.‘Idon’tmeantomakeyoufeelbad.Iwanttobetotallyhonest,that’sall.I’mnotneutralhereandIthinkthat’sbettersaidoutloud,evenifonlybetweenus.’
‘Iseewhatyoumean.Thankyou.’Roisinsoundedsteadybutshefeltdeeplyuneven.
Shefeltlikeshe’dhiredahitman.HerinitialshockandangeratHunterhavingdissipated,thefoghadclearedandshecouldseethesizeoftheask.NotonlyinimplicatingMatt–inwhatshewasdoing,fullstop.IfshewentbehindJoe’sbacktotrytocatchhimout,enlistingfriendsasP.I.s,thentrustwasgone.Goodfaithwasgone.Achunkofthemoralhighgroundhadgone.
AftertheBenbarrowconfrontation,itwasaneyeforaneye,Biblicalfury.Nowshewaslesssureshewantedtogetdownandrollinthedirt.Joecouldjustifiablybelivid.ButJoehadstolenoneofhermostintimatesecrets,herparents’openmarriage,andtelevisedit.Shedidn’tgotowar;hedid.
‘DoyouthinkIshouldn’tdothis?’Roisinsaid.
Mattpaused.‘It’snotaboutwhatIthink.Whatdoyourinstinctstellyou?’
‘Myinstinctstellme…’Roisintookadeepbreath.‘There’ssomethingbigaboutJoeIdon’tknow.Whenourlifetogetherworked,Icouldn’tseeit.InthatfightoverHunter,everythingstartedtolookdifferent.ThisisprobablytheonlyopportunityI’llhavetocheckuponhim.Idon’twanttowonderwhatthetruthofmytwentieswas,fortherestofmylife.’ShelookedoveratMatt.‘Youknowwhenanideaisrecklessandstupid,butyouknowinyourbones,fromtheveryfirstmomentyouhaveit,you’regoingtoactonit?Anytimespentdebatingitispointless.It’smerelytherapeutic.Itwon’tstopyou.’
‘Idoknowthoseideas,’Mattsaid,withabroadsmile.‘Imightspecialiseinthem.Rightthen.Andifthere’snothingtofind,thisdoesn’tmatter,Rosh.Ifthereissomethingtofind,thenhisfeelingsdon’tmatter.’
‘There’stheterriblethirdoption:there’snothingtofind,buthefindsoutweweretrying.’
‘Ican’tgiveyouonehundredpercentassurances,butI’llbesuperdiscreet.Iworkintheplonkbusinessafterall,Ihavereasontobeinabar.Also,inthatworst-casescenario,I’dbefinewithbeingthefallguy.WecouldleaveyououtofitentirelyandsayIwasdigging.’
‘No.I’dneverdothattoyou,’Roisinsaid.‘Iaskedyoutodoit–it’sonme.’
‘It’sajointenterprise,’Mattsaid.‘Webettershake.Amomenttoliveonininfamy,witnessedonlybysomesquirrels.’
HepresentedahandandRoisinputhersintoit.
Astheytrudgedon,Roisinaskedherself–andshecouldn’tbelieveshewasonlyaskingherselfthisnow–howshe’dfeelifMattreturnedwithsolidevidencethatJoehadplayedaway.
Deepdown,shestillthoughtitwasimpossible.Counterintuitively,hersearchmadeherlooklikeshebelievedtheworstofJoe.Inactualfact,sheneededitprovenfortheoppositereason.Shecouldn’treallybelieveituntiltherewasproof.
Whatifhehaddoneit?Howwouldsheconfronthim?Howdopathologicalliarsbehavewhenthesearchlightfinallycatchesthemfullysquareinitsglare,andthere’snowheretohide?41
ThecircularrouteRoisinchosearoundthefieldsandalongtheramblers’paths,bythebrookwhereshethrewstoneswithherdadasakid,wasnearlythreemilesintotal.TheyfeltheartyandvibrantastheystampedbackdowntheshallowslopetowardsTheMallory.
‘You’reluckytohavegrownuphere,’Mattsaid,andRoisinsmiledandnodded,becausethatwastoomuchofaconversation.
Astheycrunchedacrossthegravel,Lorrainecamebarrellingoutofthepub,dressedtotheninesinabillowing,translucentsmockedblouse,tuckedintoclaret-colourednarrowtrousersandLouboutins,hairwounduponherheadinaloosebun.Roisinalmostlaughedoutloud.Thelookwas:whenyou’vegotaSundaylunchshiftatmiddayandservingthecrabdiponabillionaire’syachtatthree
‘Ineedtointerceptyou,’Lorrainesaid,gesturingforMattandRoisintogatherround,‘towarnyouthatTerencehashadplugs.Keepastraightface,he’sverysensitive.Someoftheregularshavebeenputting“WigWamBam”onthejukeboxto…whatdoyoucallit?IwanttosayGNOMEhim,butthat’snotright.Whenyou’retryingtoupsetsomeoneelseonacomputer,onpurpose?’
‘Trollhim?’Mattsaid.
‘That’sit!’
‘He’shadplugs?’Roisinsaid.‘Asinahairtransplant?Terenceismymum’slongstandingbarmanforthedayshifts,’sheexplainedtoMatt.
‘Aweave,’Lorrainesaid.‘It’snotwelljudged.He’soverdoneit.He’sgonefromahairlinelikeanoldtennisballtoathatchthatlookslikeit’dcomerunningifyoushookapacketofDreamies.’
MattburstintolaughterandRoisincouldn’thelpjoiningin,muchassheknewhermotherwasperformingforthevisitor.
‘Actcasual,’Lorrainesaidinahoarsewhisper,beckoningthembackintothepub.RoisincouldfeelhowthoroughlybeguiledMattwas.Lorrainehadn’tlostit.
‘Matt,letmegetyouapintbeforeyougo.Can’tvisitapubandnothaveadrink,’hermumadded,astheywalkedin.
‘GivenI’mnotdriving,thanks,Lorraine–ifRoisindoesn’tmind?’Mattsaid.
‘ONE,’Roisinsaid,mock-stern.
LorrainepouredMattaCarlsbergandmadeRoisinaDietCoke,flingingiceintoatallglassfromthebucketwithtinytongs.ThejukeboxwasthunderingawaywithTheVerve’s‘Sonnet’
Hermum’sonlymenuwassandwicheswithchips(hernonchalantmanhandlingofthebasketsinthedeep-fatfryerhadfrightenedRoisinfordecadesnow),soitwasrelativelyquiet.EventhehardeneddrinkerMalloryfanbasewouldonlygetgoingbymid-afternoon.
‘Thewandererreturns!Finallyfoundyourwayback,’Terencesaid,appearingfromtheback,holdingacrate.
‘Hi,Terry,’shesaid,infriendlinesswithatinytopnoteofweariness.Shemadesureshekepthereyesonhis,withnodriftupwardstothenewmane.‘Thisismyfriend,Matt.’
Terencewasharmless,hermumalwayssaid,inthatwayBritishpeopleusedharmlesstomeanoftenannoyingbutnotactivelymalicious.Hewasalso,andthiswasacrucialvirtuethatmanylacked,abletorubalongwithhermum.This,despiteTerence’swifeJuliealwaysagitatingforanotherpayriseduetohisoutstandingcontribution,asifTerencewasanunderappreciatedVPtotheCEOofaCitytradingfirmwithmassiveturnover.
‘Ahhh,goodtoseeyou,’hesaid,hulkingthecratedownandappraisingher.‘YouneverlookanydifferenttowhenyouwereasulkyteenagerdoingyourA-levels.Stillthesamehair,thejumper,theboots.RememberwhenyouwentatyourclumpyshoeswithTippex,likealunatic?’
Terencehadneverencounteredayouthfulfashiontrendthatdidn’tbafflehim
‘DaisiesonmyDocMartens,’RoisinclarifiedtoMatt.
‘Plusthosehieroglyphics.’
‘CNDsymbolsandyin-yangsymbol,’Roisinsaid,toanamusedMatt.
‘Andnamesofboys!’
‘MHinaheart,becausethehotladinmyyearwascalledMikeHennessey,’Roisinexplained,gladshewasnolongerasembarrassableasshehadbeenatseventeen.
‘Oh,thatbastard,’Mattsaid,andshelaughed.
Theysettledatacornertable,underthesepiaphotoofthevillage’stragicexplorerofMountEverest.HehadoftenstareddowninwitheringjudgementuponRoisin’syouthfulhangovers.
‘Thisplaceisanabsolutebelter.Iloveit,’Mattsaid,gazingaround.‘Itmustbepopular?’
Roisinlookedathimashesippedhislager,levelly,andwassurprisedtodetectzerosarcasm.She’dperhapsspenttoolongaroundJoe.
‘Notreally,’shesaid,quietlysoastonotbeoverheard.‘ThisvillagehastheBibGourmandfoodpub,thetrendyEspressoMartinispub,andTheMallory.’
‘That’sexactlyit’scharmthough,right?It’swhatitis,properboozerofitsera.It’snottryingtobewhatitthinkswillimpresswell-heeledclientele.Nooff-blackwalls,wanker’sartofWonderWomanasJoanofArc,menusonbrownpaperonclipboards.Cocktailswithadehydratedfruitsliceandhalfashrubstickingoutofit.’
Roisinsmiled.‘Yeah,it’sdefinitelynotthat.’
Afterthey’dfinishedtheirdrinks,shegrabbedherbagfromherroomandtriedtomakeahastyfarewelltohermotherandTerence.Unfortunatelyandinevitably,Lorrainesuddenlyneededtowalkherdaughterouttohercar.
‘CanIreallynotpersuadeyoutodoafewmoreshifts?Everyonelovesyou,’Lorrainepouted.‘Dennissaiditwaslikeashowyoulovedreturning!LiketheFriendsreunion.Honestly,I’monmyarsehere.’
‘Showisaboutright,’Roisinmuttered.
‘Youreallystruggling?’Mattsaid.
‘I’llseewhatIcando,’Roisininterrupted.‘Bye,Mum,seeyousoon!’
Hermumshadedhereyesagainsttheafternoonsunandsaid,‘She’sawfultome,Matt,whatcanItellyou?GivemylovetoJoe,won’tyou.When’sheback,Tuesday?SOnicetomeetyou,Matt.’
RoisintensedashermotherleanedinforapeckonthecheekwithherandthenMatt.
Asshepulledoutofthecarpark,Mattsaid,‘Tellmetopissoffbyallmeans,but…you’venottoldyourmum?AboutyouandJoe?’
Nearsixfeetofhimwasfoldedintoherpassengerseatsoitwouldn’thavebeeneasytotellhimtopissoff,notthatshewantedto.
‘No,becauseheflewstraighttoCaliforniaafterthefight.We’venotagreedonhowandwhentoannouncethenews.’
Mattsaidnothingandasilencedeveloped.Becausehewasusuallygoodatputtingpeopleatease,Roisinsusseditwasanunvoicedthought.
‘YouthinkIshouldn’twait?’Roisinsaid.
‘Ithink…beclearinyourownmindwhatyouwant.OrJoewillbeclearinhismindwhatyouwant.’
‘Thanks,butI’vereachedalevelofcynicismwherenothing’sgoingtoworkonme.’Roisinindicatedatajunctionandpulledout.‘Whichisjustaswell,’cosnothing’swhathe’sgivingme.’42
Therewasalotoffull-throatedadviceandencouragementoutthereaboutbig,headline-makingrelationshipdecisions,Roisinthought,butnothingmuchabouttheminute-by-minutemanagementofthosechoices.Alotoft-shirtsexhortingDUMPHIM!andsongswithrabble-rousingchoruses,designedtobepairedwithsaltymargsandredlippie.Butfarfewerthingssaidaboutthetonetoadoptwhenhislovingparents,KennethandFay,unexpectedlycalledyouonaSundayafternoonforaspeakerphonechatabouttheprogressoftheflat’scommunalgardentheywerehelpingyouwith.Roisinhadgoneforthesamejolly,blandnormalcyshe’ddeployedwithLorraine.Itstillfeltunpleasantlydeceitful.ShehadtopitchitsoshewasneitherOTTfake-perkyorominouslyandevendiscourteouslyflat.
GloriaGaynorhadnothingforherthere;whenitcametothemomentsbetweenthemoments,theawkwardsegues,thegreyareasforprotocolandtheconversationsthatnolongerflowed,youwereonyourown.
Thus,ontheTuesdayeveningJoewasduetoreturn,Roisinfoundherselfcaughtinanotherminisculebutagonisingfix:jumpuptogotothedoorwhensheheardhimarrive?OrremainonthesofaandwaitforJoetomakehisentrance?Theformerfelteagerandpeculiar–tosaywhat?She’dmadeitclearshewasn’tmuchfussedhowhistriphadgone.(News:J.J.Abrams‘BadRobot’prodcowanttomakeSEEN,nothingsignedyethadbeenfiredoffmid-trip,towhichshe’dreplied,Greatnews!Youmustbefloating.Effusivebutdrab.Likehewasacolleague.)
Standingbytheentrance,almostasifinachallenge,feltweird.Butthelatterfeltneedlesslybelligerent.
Afterhalfaglassofred,shetwitchilyWhatsAppedGinaandMeredithtoasktheiradviceabouttheworld’smostpatheticmicro-dilemma.
Meredith:
Lockyourselfinthelooandshoutthroughthedoorthatyou’rehavingamassiveTomTit.
Gina:
WhatifJoethinksthatmeansanotherman
Meredith:
OKthen‘aBradPitt’
Roisin:
Thankyouthishasbeeninvaluable
Itfeltpressuredbecausethiswasthefirstmoment,albeitinprivate,thattheywereaformercouple.HowJoeactednowwouldforecasttheweathertocomewhiletheyfinancially,practically,socially,andemotionallydisentangled.HehadalotofpowerindecidinghowthenexttwomonthsofRoisin’slifeplayedout.
Theirbreakingup,aftersolong,itwasoneofthosethingsthathappenedallthetime–butwhenithappenedtoyou,itwasunfeasiblygigantic.Roisinrememberedthinkingthatthewords,mydaddied,werefartoomundaneandordinaryastatement,regardingitsseismicimpactandotherworldlystrangeness.This,afternearlytenyearstogether,hadsomeofthesamefeel.
Roisinsettledtoahomerenovationshowwhereshecouldtrytoloseherselfinthetrickychoiceoftilesforthepantryinstead.ThesecondepisodeofHuntersatstubbornlyunwatched:itwasdeeplyinconvenientthatiPlayerrevealedthatfact.RoisinguessedJoewouldn’thavethenecktocomplainshe’dnotbothered
Shedidnotyethavethestomachforitscontent.
Intheend,aswassooftentheway,thedecisionaboutgettingthedoorwasmadeforher.Sheheardacarloiter,thenJoebumpupthestepsandcurseasheclearlyfailedtofindhiskeys.Shestuckthetelevisiononmuteandwenttoanswer.
‘Hi,’Roisinsaid,openingthedoor,heartoverclocking.‘Toomuchluggageandtoomanypockets?’
‘Hello.Yep,thanks.’
Joelookedup,hissun-kissedskinagainincongruousunderManchesterskies.Hemusthavemadeuseofthoserooftopbars.
Hehoistedhisridgedsilvertrolleycasethroughthedoorandlookedaround.‘Placelooksimmaculate?Cormac’sstintgoOK?’
‘Oh.Yeah.Fine.Ikeptbusy.Hadextradaysoffwork,’Roisinsaid,inastupidblurt.Shewasn’treadytotalkaboutthat.
‘Oh,really?’
‘Yeah.’
Joeobviouslyintuitedtheyweren’tthegoodsortofdaysoffandsensiblyaskednomore.
‘I’mgoingtohaveashowerandchange,andthencanwehaveachat?’Joesaid.
Roisinfeltnumb.‘Ifyouhavetheenergy,’Roisinsaid.
‘Notimelikethepresent.’
Roisincouldn’treadhistone.Shegotherselfmoreredwine,andafteramoment’sthought,fetchedthebottleandputanemptyglassontheothersideofthecoffeetable.
Joereappearedwithwethair,inacleant-shirtandjoggers,satdownandpouredhimselfaShiraz.
‘It’sgoodtobehome,’hesaid,afteramouthful.HegazedfarmoreintentlyatRoisinthanhehadinalongtime.‘You’reinthespareroom?’
Roisinnodded.Shedidn’twanttoseemmulishbuthadnoideawhattosay,untilJoeshowedhishand.
‘AboutlastSunday.I’msorryfornot…I’mtryingtofindalessspeech-makingsoundingphrasethanmeetingthemoment.I’msorryfornotknowingwhattosay.Iwasblindsided.IwasabouttoflytoAmericaforahugemeetingandmyheadwaselsewhere.I’msorryIdidn’tlistentoyou.’
Roisinsaidnothing,gladhewasbeingconciliatoryyetstillfeelingintenselyapprehensive.HewroteCoolThingsToSayforaliving,soshe’dwaituntilshefeltatruth.
‘…I’malsoverysorryIputapainfulchapterofyourchildhoodmemoriesintomyprogrammeanddidn’tanticipatehowupsettingthatwouldbeforyou.Ihadadiscussionwithyouonmymentalto-dolistatthetime.ThenitwasDom’sstagdoweekend,ifyourememberthat?ThreenightsinBudapest.’
‘Yeah.YouwentuptoYorkthenightbefore.Youcanrememberthisnow?’
‘I’vehadalotoftimetothink.I’vegonefrom“notimetothink”,to“fourteenhoursofstaringoutofaportholewindowatclouds”amountoftime.Iwentintoultra-defensivearseholemodewhenwespoke.IwasgearinguptofaceterrifyingmogulsandexecswhobarkBOREDatyouinthemiddleofasentence.’
Hedrewbreath.‘BythetimeIcamebackfromDom’sstag,I’dgotaraftofnotesandtheseekingpermissionnecessityslippedfrommymind.ThewayIwrite,Imemoryholethingsveryfastandmoveontothenextbit.Ithoughtitwasmysuperpowerforproductivity;Ineverconsideredhowmuchitcouldhurtyou,Rosh.ImuststressI’mnotdefendinghowI’veactedorreacted,asit’splainlynotOK.Ijustwanttobefullyhonestabouthowithappened.’
‘DidyouthinkI’dsay,yeahsure,useitifyouaskedme?’
‘Uhm…’Joe’sbrowcreased.‘Ithoughtyou’dallowiteventuallybutbombardmewithlotsof–justified–questionsabouthowitfittedintowhatIwaswriting,andIwasn’treadytotalkaboutHunter.Thatwastheveryselfishinhibitionattheheartofit.Ididn’tevenaskmyselfifitwasagoodenoughreason.Iwasamarathonrunnerwhocouldonlyfocusonthefinishtape.Thenitwasallinthecan;Icouldn’tchangeitifyouwantedmeto.Thedenialandavoidancedeepened.I’mlikeafuckingarmadilloinJapanesetrainers,thesedays.’
Roisincouldn’tsmile.Shehadn’tanticipatedanyofthis.
‘AboutHunterasawhole,’Joecontinued.‘AfterSEEN,myagentsaid,“Nowisthetimetopushtheenvelope–you’llneverbeinastrongerpositiontowritesomethingreallybold.”Agent-speakfor,youhaveapasstofuckuponthisgo,sotakearisk.IthoughtaboutthemenIknow,fromthesuperuxoriousoneslikeDom,stillwithVictoriafromcollege,totheabsolutebedhopper,lawlessscoundrelswho’vedoneMickJaggernumbers,likeourpal,Matt,todullserialmonogamistslikeme.Amongotherthings,Iwantedtowriteabouthowstraightmentreatwomen.’
Roisin’smusclestensedduringthisdescription.
‘Ourpal’?DidJoeevenrealisehowbadlyhe’dalienatedMatt?Didhecare?WasthereaglimmerofapossibilitythatMattwas,asJoehadsaid,averyattractivefa?adeonamuchdarkerplacethansherealised?
‘IalreadyknewIwaswritinganotherdetective,whichfeltalittleho-hum.IthoughtthemorerealIcanmakethisfeel,themorepotentitwillbe.So,Isetithere.Ididn’tforasecondstoptothinkthatitmightmakeyoumakeconnectionswithourlifethataren’tthere.Whichisidiotic,andmakesmerealiseI’vebeenonaluxurycruiseupmyowncolon.’
Roisinstillsaidnothing.
‘…It’ssupposedtohavethemesaboutthecrisisinmasculinity.WhatIwantedtosayonSundaywas,youhavetoseeallthreeepisodestorealiseHunter’sbehaviourisn’tglamorised.Itdoesn’tpayoff;he’sreallyhumbledbytheend.Butyoucanimaginethatsaying,“No,Roisin,you’llcalmdownifyouwatchMORE”wasn’tadvisablelastweekend.’
‘WhatabouttheGinacharacter?’
‘That’snotGina.IthinkGinaisaveryattractivegirlbutshe’slikealittlesistertome.CanItellyousomethingincompleteconfidence?’
‘Goahead,’Roisinsaid.Prettyrichtobeboastingabouthisdiscretion.
‘Idon’teverbreakmalecodesofhonour.WhichiswhyI’veneverpulleddownMatt’sstatueandhaveletyouladiesthinkhe’scharmpersonified.What’sdiscussedoverthesinglemaltstaysoverthesinglemalt.ButitcameoutonthestagdothatDomhashadalong-termcrushonVic’sbestmate,Amber.He’dnever,everdoanythingaboutit.Hehateshimselfforit.Iwrotethatin.IwassoarrogantIthoughtIcouldcasuallyimplicatemyselfallIwanted,asIhadtheworld’smostchillgirlfriend.Andtheworld’smostboringprivatelife,lockedinthatstudyallthetime.’
Joelookedlikeamanwhowouldn’tfearapolygraph,hisgazemeetinghers,steadyandunblinking.Hispreviousrationalesforwhathe’ddonehadbeentorturousexcusesandPRgloss,butthisadmissionofcarelessegorangentirelytrue.Roisinfinallybelievedhim.
Shedidn’tdislikewhathe’ddoneanyless,butshehadthepeaceofmindofatleastfollowinghowthepersonwhowasmeanttoloveherhadtreatedherthisway.
Andshenolongerthoughthecould’vedonethosethingshimself.Perspectivehadreturned.Shehadbeensoshakenup,knowinghewasn’tgivingherthetruth,she’dleapedtotwoplustwomakesseven.
WasittoolatetocallMatt’sinvestigationoff?43
‘IseenowhowHunterhappened,’Roisinsaid.‘Istilldon’tunderstandwhereyou’vebeenmentallyforthelastyearorso.It’sasifIdidn’texist.WhenIwasrantingatyouattheLakes,youlookeddirectlyatmeforthefirsttimeinaverylongtime.’
Ashewasdoingnow.
‘Iknow.IrealiseI’vespentalotoftimethinkingthatbecausewedon’thavekidsyet,Icoulddisappearintoworkaholism.Makethesetheempire-buildingyears,forbothoursakes.Itwasn’tfairnottoexplainthat,toputyourlifeonhold.Itwasn’tOKtonotbeapartner.’
Ominous‘yet’,after‘kids’there,Roisinthought.Ominoustothepointofstrangeandpresumptuous,giventheywereseparated.Beclearinyourownmindwhatyouwant,orJoewillbeclearforyou.
‘Roisin.Myquestiontoyouis,istherenowaybacknow?BecauseIloveyou,andIloveourlifetogether.Iwanttohavethisadventurewithyou.Thatwasthewholepointfromthestart.Igotside-trackedandletyouthinkyouwereirrelevant,ratherthanthereason.Youare…undemanding.ThatsoundsabadwordandyetImeanitasthehighestpraise.You’veneverbeenneedy,andlatelyitmeantItookthepiss.’
‘Whathappenedto“youcan’tbearmetohogthelimelight”?’Roisinsaid.
‘Iwasacock.Thatwasanawfulthingtosay.Ofcourseitwasn’teverthat.’
‘Whysayitthen?’
‘Becausewhensomeone’spunchingyou,howevermuchyoudeserveit,youputyourfistsup,too.That’sall.’
Joefinishedhiswineandpouredanother,offeringthebottletoRoisinfirst.Sheshookherhead.
Itwasslightlyabsurd;however,Roisinhadn’tpreparedforJoeannouncing,‘Idon’twantustoend,’accompaniedbyaproperapology,couchedinthetermsofutmostpersuasion.
Shehadnoanswer.
‘Ifyouwanted–asahardreset–wecouldtryrelationshipcounselling,’Joeadded.
‘Ithoughtthatwassnakeoilforcoupleswhowon’treadthewritingonthewall,’Roisinsmiled,quotingaJoe-ismfromaverydifferent,untroubledera.Ah,thehaughtinessofyouth.
‘Haha!Damnyoursmartmouth,PastMe.Yeah,I’munsure,butIwanttoshowyouIwilltakeaccountability.’
Eesh,thatwasn’tJoefromYork;itwasveryCalifornian-sounding.Whowashebecoming?
‘Also,somethingelse.Thesumsofmoneybeingbandiedaboutduringthistrip:theyaregenuinelynonsensical,andifanyofmythingsgointoproductionitgetssillierstill.Whetherweareoverornot,Rosh–Iwantyoutohavemyhalfofthisplace,outright.I’mgoingtosignitovertoyou.Thenit’syours,sorted,whateveryoudecide.’
‘Joe,thanks,butIcan’tpossibly…’Roisinstarted.
‘No,Iabsolutelymeanit.You’reateacher,whatyoudoisharderthanwhatIdo,yetyou’renevergoingtobepaidmillions.Youputaroofovermyheadandboughtmydinnerforfiveyears.Noneofwhat’shappeningtome,now,wouldbepossiblewithoutyou,then.Ifwedogoourseparateways,myhalfisyourgiftinreturn.Amementoofourrelationship.I’moverdueshowingyousomegratitude.’
‘Thankyou,butthat’smad.Ican’tacceptthat.’
‘You’dstillbetakingtheconsolationprize.You’dbegivingupSantaMonicaandgoingtotheGoldenGlobeswithme,’Joesaid,witharuefulsmirk-smile
‘You’rethinkingofmovingoutthere?’
Joeshrugged.‘It’sonthetable.IfI’msingle,Imight.OrwecandoLosAngeles.Sky’sthelimit,Walters.’
He’dnotusedhersurnamethiswaysinceheusedtoflirtwithherinthestaffroom.
Single.Joebeingsingle.Theirnotbelongingtoeachotheranymore.Roisinwasbeingconfrontedwiththesimplerealityofwhatshe’ddecided.
Shedidn’tknowhowtofeelaboutthishugeshiftingearswithJoe:thelargesse,thehumility,thedanglingofcarrots.AftertheunrepentantattitudeandacidthrownaroundoutsideBenbarrowHall,itwasalmostdizzying.
‘CanIthinkaboutthis?Everythingyou’vesaidisalot.’
‘Sure.’
‘I’mgoingtobebackandforthfromWebberleyabitinthecomingweeks.Mum’smanagedtoleaveherselfwithoutbarstaffintheeveningssoIsaidI’dhelpout.’
Roisinhadnoideashewasgoingtosaythisuntilsheopenedhermouth.
Itsuddenlymadeperfectsense.UseTheMalloryasaboltholetogetsomespacefromJoe,andCormac’svisits,andtheirsituationship.ThenicewalkwithMattandthefreeingescapeintothecountrysidehadwarmedheruptotheidea.
‘Oh,wow.LorrainehasclashedlikeaTitanwithatwenty-two-year-oldpotwasheragain,hasshe?’
‘Somethinglikethat.’
Youdon’thavethelatitudetomockmymotheratthemoment,shethought.
‘Thatremindsme.Iwasgoingtosuggest…’Joesaid,darkeyeslookingupfromunderhisbrow.Alookthatusedtoturnherstomachoverwhentheywerefirstdating.‘Wekeepourtroublesfromourparents,fornow.Iwanttotellthemsomethingdefinite.’
‘OK.’
Roisindidn’tofferthatshe’dtoldMatt,GinaandMeredith–fiftypercentoftheBrianClubtotal–andshewasslightlysurprisedhedidn’task.DidhethinknothingontheirWhatsAppmeantnothinghadbeensaid?
Shewasforcedtoconcludelater,lyinglookingattheceilingroseinthespareroom,thatwhenitcametotheirfriendsknowing,Joedidn’tcaremucheitherway.44
Roisinhadwonderedifherabruptchangeofheartregardinghermother’spersonnelresourcesissuewouldregisterasoddtoLorraine.Shehadforgottenthatnotonlywashermumnotawomantolookagifthorseinthemouth,butshealsowasn’tawomantoaskforthegifthorse’sbackstoryormotivationsinanyway.
‘ThankGod,IthoughtIwasgoingtohavetoputamopupmyarse,’LorrainesaidwhenRoisincalledtosaythatshe’dmovebackforabit,returningforsocial-lifeengagementsinManchester.‘It’snotasifit’seasytodoabusyshiftwithtwo,even.’
‘Youmispronounced“thankyou”,’Roisinsaid.
‘Thankyou!I’llgrovelifthat’swhatyouwant.’
Roisinrungoffandsighed.Itwasrelativelyeasytoflee.
Joe,nowfulloflavishapologiesforit,wasonceagaincloisteredinhisstudy,wearingaheadsetmicasifhewasgivingaTedtalk,takingpartinmeetingsaboutthemeetings.
‘I’dbintheseoffsowecouldgotodinnertonightbutthere’snobinningthesepeopleunlessyou’reinintensivecare.Eventhen,they’dprobablyaskwhatthehospitalWiFi’slike.’
Roisingrimacedasmile,likeshe’dnotheardthatspielbefore.Shesaid,‘Sure,it’sfine,’andthatshewasgoinganyway.
OnherdriveouttoWebberley,sheaskedherselfagainandagain:DoyoustillloveJoe?Isthisaloveofmanyyears,onpauseduringaroughpatch?Orisitformerlove?
Whydoeshewanttomendthis?Everylastpersonsheknewwouldreply,‘Becausehelovesyou!Whywouldn’the?’
Duringservicethatevening,shesawshehadamissedcall:Matt.She’dneverfeltdismayedtoseehisnamebefore.
Roisindidn’twanttoringhimback,butshealsoknewshe’dbecompletelydistracteduntilshedid.
Shechoseaquietmomenttostepoutsidethefront.TheMallorywasmostlygravelandspaceforparkedcarsoutside,onlyfourtablesforcustomers,whichwereinevitablymonopolisedbysmokers.TheAugustairwasbalmyandblowsy,inthatlastgaspofsummerway.
‘Hi,Matt,’shesaid,tuckingthephoneunderherchinasshepickeduptwofoam-cloudedpintglassesfromtheflowerbed.
‘Hello!IwentforadrinkwithRick.’
‘Thatwasfast!’Roisinsaid,adjustingherphoneagain.‘Thanks.’
‘GardeningleavemeansIhavethetime.IevenwatchedHunterasmyhomework.Idon’twanttodoanygameshowhosttickingclocksuspensehere,soIwoulddescribemyfindingsassomethingandnothing,butninetypercentnothing.’
TenpercentofsomethingstartledRoisin.She’ddeclareditpossibleandnow,onthebrinkofit,shecouldn’tallowthatitwaspossible.
‘…ScarvesbeingleftbehindrangnobellsforRick,andhedidn’trecogniseJoe.’
‘Youshowedhimapicture?’
‘Yeah.Ikindofhadto.Didyounotwantmeto?’
‘No,I…hadn’tthoughtwhatyourinquirywouldentail.’
Thatwasexactlyit.Adrenalinesurged.Joewillneverfindout,it’sfine.Notgonnahappen.Ifhedidfindout,couldshejustifyitaspaybackforHunter?Pointouthowmuchturmoilshehadtobein,tocheckuponhimlikethis?Shecouldtry,butdistrustingyourpartnerthisdeeplywasn’tsomethingyoucouldeasilycomebackfrom.Itwouldchangethingsbetweenthem.Diditnotchangethingsifshekeptittoherself?
‘However,’Mattsaid,asRoisin’sstomachpancake-flipped,‘aroundtwoyearsago,RicktellsmetheyemployedthisflakyCroatiangirlcalledPetra.She’ddisappearforlongsmokingbreakswhenevershefancied–notoriousforit.ApparentlyshegotthenicknameFagathaChristieforsuchdisappearances.Shetoldotherwaitressesshewasseeinganolder,marriedguy.TheythoughtitwasBSbecauseshehadnophotoswithhim.Shesaidshedidn’tevenknowhisrealnametolookhimup.Hewasverylowprofilebecauseofhisjob.You’dthink“thewife”wasmorelikelythereason,but…’
Roisinblewairoutofhermouth.Soitwasacolourfultenpercent.‘He’doriginallybeenacustomer?’
‘Yup,shesaidso.Hisjobwasinthemilitarypolice.Hesaidhissecrecyprotocolsweresostrict,hecouldn’tbeinanyhousewithanAlexa.’
‘AnAlexa?Who’sshe?’
‘AnAlexa.Youknow,yourspeakerthat’savirtualassistant-cum-listeningdevicethatyoupayAmazontoinstallinyourhome.’
‘Oh!Alexa,PlayCher!Right.Thatmuchdoesn’tsoundlikeJoe.’Roisin’snervesstartedclimbingdownfromtheroof.
‘Nope,itdoesn’t.Anyway,Sessofinallylethergoaftershewentforasmokingbreakduringaclosingupanddidn’treturnuntilhershiftthefollowingday.Thatwashighsummer,heremembered.Iaskedwhatshelookedlike.Hefoundanoldphotoofastaffnightoutonhisphone.Shehadbobbedhair.Shelookedreasonablyliketheactress.’
‘Right,’Roisinsaiddully.Hernerves,currentlyshinningdownthedrainpipe,hesitated.
‘There’snogettingintouchwithPetra,either.Sheusedafakesurnameonherpayslips.IquoteRick:thetypeofgirlwho’sataxghost,asocialmediaghost,thelot.Probablyhasdifferent-colouredhairnow,workingabarinDubrovnikanddatingJasonBourne’
‘Hah.’
‘Allwehaveisthecoincidenceofapopularhaircutandashadyprivatelife,whichismanywaitressesI’vemet.Iwouldn’tconvictonthismuchevidence.’
Intheabsenceofanythingconclusive,hewaspatchingthisup,makingitright.GiventherewasnolovelostbetweenhimandJoe,itwashonourable.ItputRoisinfirst.
‘IwonderedifIcouldaskyouafavourofsortsinreturn,’Mattsaid.‘Ihavenothingtodo,andIcan’tgetajobyet.Itookarealshinetoyourmum’spubandyousayshe’sshort-handed.CouldIhelpout?’
‘OhNO!’Roisinsquealedinself-consciousnessandgenuineamusement.‘Seriously?YouwanttopullCarlsbergsatTheMall?It’savillage.There’snothinghereforagentlemanlikeyou.Apartfromthehendos,Isuppose…’
Mattlaughed.‘Iwon’tpushifyou’dfinditweird.I’mlongingtofeellikeI’manygoodforanybodyoranythingatthemoment,that’sall.’
TherewassuchanoteofauthenticsadnessinthatstatementthatRoisincouldn’tpossiblyrefuse.
‘Alright.Thankyou.Mymumwillflirtwithyourelentlessly.PleasebearitwithgoodhumourbutabsolutelyDONOTsuccumbandsleepwithher.Idon’twantmystepdadcomingthismuchoutofleftfield.’
‘Roisin!’Mattexclaimed,inanun-Mattlikeway,genuinelyshocked.‘WhatonEARTH?HowmuchofanUncleDisgustingdoyouseriouslythinkIam?’
Roisinlaughedandfeltalittlegrief-strickenthatshecouldn’tconfidentlyanswerthat.45
‘Getout!’Lorrainecried,atthesightofRoisinandMattinthedoorwayonSaturdayafternoon.
‘Wobblystart,’Mattsaid.
‘Sorry,notyou,Matthew–thatstray,’Lorrainesaid,pointingintheareaoftheirankles.‘MEATBALL,GEDDOUT!’
Theyglanceddowntoseethatacathadtakenadvantageoftheirenteringthepubto‘plusone’himselfontothepremises.
‘Aw,hello,Meatball,’Mattsaid,stoopingtopettheblackandwhiteanimalofconsiderablecircumference.Hisfacialmarkingsgavehimapleasinglookofapiebaldhighwaybandit.
‘Meatball?’Roisinsaid.
‘That’shisname,I’mtold,’Lorrainesaid.‘Youcanseewhy.Loafsaroundtheplaceuninvitedandbotherspeoplefortheirchips.’
‘Acatthateatschips?!’Mattsaid.
‘Oh,acatthateatsanythinghecanhoodwinkpeopleintogivinghim.Shoo!’Lorrainesaid,asMeatballsteadfastlyignoredher.
‘Ishereallyastray?’Roisinsaid,joininginthefussing,noticinghowsheandMattcouldbrushhandsanditnotbeodd.Shewasluckytohaveamalefriendlikethis.Shetrustedhimtospendtimehereandnotuseanyinformationhegleanedtoembarrassher.Mattwasamanabsentofspite.
‘Well,he’sstrayedfromsomewhere’coshe’sinhereallthetime,’Lorrainesaid,snappingherfingersandpointingatanindifferentMeatball,whowaddledoffinthedirectionofthesaloonbar.
RoisinandRyanhadneverbeenallowedpets,notionallybecauseapublichousewasaninhospitableenvironment.
(‘Theywillonlyupanddieandupsetyou,’Lorrainehadsaid.
‘Everythingdies!’saidanadolescentRoisin.‘Thepriceofloveisgrief.’
‘Yes,well,I’mnothavingthegriefofchangingaguineapig’sstrawwhenyouloseinterest.’)
Fortonight’sSaturdayshift,RoisinhadarrangedtosettleMattin,gofordinnerinManchesterwithwhatwasleftoftheBrianClub,anddrivebackherelater.Itlooked,onthefaceofit,aconsiderablesacrifice.Inactuality,shewasgladoftheexcusenottodrink,andtospendtimeontheroadandinherownhead.
LeavingMattandLorrainetointeractunsupervisedforaroundfourhoursmadeRoisinslightlyuneasy,givenhermother’sloosecannoning,butperhapsabaptismoffirewasbest.Shecouldn’tbeheretosupervisethewholetime.
MattwasgoingtogetataxibacktohisflatinthecityuntilLorraine–unsurprisingly–saidheabsolutelymustcrashinRyan’soldroom.Atleastherparentswereintoprivacyinoneway:eachroomhadanensuite,soasRoisingotreadytogooutshehadnofearofdoinganimpromptufirst-floorlandingtangowithMatt,bothofthemcladinslippingtowels.
Roisinwould’veshownMattroundthetill,butLorrainewassuperkeentoplaytutor.RemindingherselfthatMatthadwantedthisandthatsheshouldn’tfeelanxiousforhim,afterchanging,Roisinbidthemfarewellandpromisedtoreturnaroundclosingup.
‘Nicedress,bytheway,’Mattsaid.
Inhernear-weekofpurgatory,Roisinhadgoneto&OtherStoriesandboughtherselfapouffy-sleevedblackdresswithasweetheartneckline.
‘Yes,it’sgreattoseeyourwaistforonce,’Lorraineaddedsupportively.
Tonight’sdinneroutwasthefirstpost-Benbarrowcatch-up.RoisinfullyendorsedMeredith’sreplytoDev’soriginalvenuesuggestion.
Meredith
Sorrycanwenotbotherwithplacesservingreindeermossandanymenuwiththeword‘nixtamalized’onit?Iwanttoseeyouallandconsumemeltedcheeseandcheapliquor,notpretendtobeinterestedinanespresso-cupfulofjizzandatrayofmossypebbles
Dev
Idependonwomenpretendingtobeinterestedinmycupfulofjizzandmossypebbles
ByaneliminationprocessofthingsbeingbookedoutonaSaturdayandDev’snamestillmeaningsomething,they’dlandedonSanCarlo,acentralpizza-pastaplacefullofrowdy,glamorous,high-cosmetic-maintenancetwenty-somethingManchester.
Roisinwoundherwaytothetableinthebuzz,tenminuteslateafterforgettingcitycentreparkingwasabastard,andsawithadanunexpectedoccupant.
‘Joe?Youmadeit?’Roisinsaid,thinkingthankGodshe’dWhatsAppedGinaandMeredithandgiventhemafullupdateonJoe’soffer,SessobeingwhatAmericanscalleda‘nothingburger’,andtheircurrentstatus.
(Meredith’sreplyhadbeenpurewisdom:Ithinkyouhalfwantedtofindouthe’dbeenunfaithfulsothedecisionwasmadeforyou.Thiswayyou’llknowyouwereincontrolofyourchoice.)
Joehadbeentoobusytonightpreparingmaterialfornextweek’smeetings–exceptnow,ashesatbeaming,sandwichedbetweenDevandGina,apparently,hewasn’t.
‘Ah,Devcalledmeandpersuadedmetoknockitontheheadforanevening.Messagedyou.’HenoddedtoRoisin’sphone,whichshe’dnotseenwhiledriving
Roisintriednottoseetheonthisturnofevents.IfJoehadtoldherhewasgoing,she’dhavesteppedaway.
Itwaslyingtotheirfriends.Well,lyingtoDevtobeprecise,andmakingthewomenawkward.Whenshesaidshewantedtimetothink,shedidn’tmean,‘whileweattendsocialoutingsasacouple.’
Herfrayednervesmadeithardertojudge,but,watchingJoedunkapieceofbreadinoil,thissurprisecameosmackedofapowerplay.
Minuteslater,shecheckedherphonediscreetlyandsaw:
HeyR:I’mhittingbrickwallsandbleedingalloverFinalDrafttonight&Devcalled,sayingtosoditoffandcomeout.Iwon’tifyou’dfindittricky.LMK.Jx
Immaculatehousekeeping.Forty-fiveminutesold:senttoolateforhertopreventit,yetprovidingJoewithcompletecomprehensivecover.
Whenhe’dcomethroughthedoorearlierthisweek,drenchedincontrition,whyhadn’tshesimplystucktohergunsandsaidno,theyweredone?
Becauseshewascaughtoffguard.Becauseshe’dnot,atthatpoint,gotthefeedbackfromMattgoingtoSessoandsatedathirstforevidence.Becauseshethoughtnineyearsdeservedasecondchance.Noneofthesereasons,oninspection,weregoodreasons.
Nothingthatmatteredhadchanged.She’dgohometomorrowandsayshehadfinishedthinking,theyweredefinitelydone.Itwasn’tagoodmomenttofinallyhavethisconviction,atthestartofanhourandahalfofbeingfriendlyandsocialinJoe’scompany.
‘Cor,iflipfillersweresticksofdynamite,we’dbeblownskyhighhere,right?’Joesaid,underhisbreath,glancingaround.
‘I’veleftMattworkingashiftwithmymotherinWebberley,’Roisinsaidtothetable,tokeephermindoccupied.
AtleastJoelookedwrongfootednow,insteadofher.
She’dcheckedMattwasalrightwithhertellingtheBriansandhe’dshrugged,sure,whynotShewasimpressedhedidn’tcareaboutstatus.
‘Lol,what?Matt?Abarmanforyourmum?Isthishismostambitiousseductionattemptyet?’Joesaid.
RoisinlookedatJoe,levelly.Toeveryoneelse,thatwasastandardrisquéjibeatMatt.Withwhatheknewofherfamily,itwascrasserthanthat.
‘Nice.He’sonasabbaticalfromworkandkeepingbusy,’Roisinsaid,decidingtosidestepMatt’ssackingforhisdignity.‘It’salifesaverformymum.’
‘Letmegetthisstraight:MattisdatingaHollywoodstarandhisjobismakingbittershandiesforoldboysplayingdarts?IfIpitchedthisinaHallmarkmovie,I’dbetolditwasasteptoofar,’Joesaid.
‘Notanymore,’Roisinsaid.‘HeandAmeliahavegonetheirseparateways.’
‘Whatashame,shewassonice,’Ginasaid,snappingabreadstick.‘Theycould’vehadsuchbeautiful,rudebabies.’
‘NoAnita?’RoisinsaidtoDev,glancingaround.
‘Nah,she’spoorly.Tummybug.LeftherwatchingTheRealHousewivesofBeverlyHillsinherclowntrousers.Honestly,theonewaywe’reincompatibleisTV.ShesaysIonlylikethingswithpeopleinsnowstormssaying,“Wemustkeepmoving!Weneedtogettothecampbynightfall,beforeItawakens!”’
‘Haveyouhadachancetolookatthemenu,guys?’awaitressinterrupted,andtheyguiltilytaskedthemselvestomakingchoices.
RoisinsawshehadamessagefromMeredithandreaditcarefully,holdingherphoneinsideherbag.
Ibloodyhopeit’snotmorningsickness.46
‘You’vegotasecondseries,though,right?’DevwhoopedasJoenodded.
‘They’reannouncingitoverthefinalcredits.Godknowswhen,mindyou.RufushasgotapilotforsomethingwithMichaelKeatonandaroleintheStrangerThingsspin-off.Thatgoesnofurther,obviously,’hesaid,lookingatagroupofpeoplewithoutahotlinetothenewsdeskofVariety
RoisinhadbeenabletowithstandtenminutesofDevonthegeniusofepisodetwoofHunterbecauseGinahadgamelyprotectedherwith,‘Nospoilers,Dev!I’venotseenityet!’whichreducedhimtodetail-freesuperlatives.
‘Gotthelastonerecording!’Devsaid.Ofcourse.Tonightwasthefinale.Theyweremissingit.
JoelookedatRoisinfromunderhisbrow,twiddlinghisfork.He’dbeunsureifshe’dseenityetandhealsoknewraisingthatquestionwasakamikazemission.
OnlywhenDevgotontohisstagdoandweddingagain,didRoisinpushherravioliaroundherplateinquietagony.AneventthatJoePowellacrossthetablemightwellbeattendingwithhisnextgirlfriend.That’dbefun.
Ifheturnedupatall,ofcourse.
WastheotherreasonRoisinhadagreedto‘thinkaboutit’earlierthisweekpurelyaresultofthebasemotiveofflattery?She’dspentayearthinkingshewasgoingtobeletgoof,bysomeonewithoptions.ItwasobviousJoewasaconsiderablecatch.Hisdeclaringherworthtohimhadbeentoogratifying.
DevwasextollingthebenefitsofhoppingovertoPalmBeachinahiredChevytruckwhenRoisinspokeup,unabletotakethedissonanceanymore.
‘HeadsupthatIdon’tthink,withhisworksituation,MattcanaffordMiami,’Roisinsaid,hopingtobothdoMattafavourandstarttheprocessofconveying:wearealldisquietedbythepricetagslately.TeamNoReindeerMoss.
‘Whatareyou,hismum?’Joeshotback,tryingtobeflipandlandinghard.
‘Yeah,Iwasgoingtosay,’Meredithsaid,bothrescuingandignoringJoe,‘I’llprobablyneedtoseethetotalcostofLakeComobeforeIcommit.Ourboiler’sgonekaput.’ShelookedatGina.‘Shedresseswelltohideitthough,hahahahaha.’
‘Viciouswitch,’Ginasaid,craningtoseeawaiter.‘ImighthaveanotherAperol.Ohyeah,theboiler.IhavesomeemergencysavingsIcoulddipintoforthat.’
RoisinsawthatthenecessityofemergencysavingsdippinghadregisteredwithDev.
‘Icancoverflightstotakethecostdown.It’snotrouble,’Devsaid.
Roisintookadeepbreath.‘Dev,youarethemostgeneroussoulalive,butwecan’tacceptbeingpaidforasasolution.Noonewantstomoochoffyouandlivebeyondtheirbudget.Can’tdoithastomeancan’tdoit,oryoufeeltrapped.’
‘Thegirlwiththegoodhairhasapoint,’Meredithsaid.‘Hey,whynothaveTWOstags?MiamiandManchester.’
‘Actually,’Devsaid,shakingtheiceinhislimeandsoda,‘youmayhavehitonsomething,Rosh.Anita’sgonecoolontheLakeComoplan,too.’
‘Really?’Roisinsaid,realisingitwasastrokeoflucktohavethefreedomtodiscussitwithoutherpresent.
‘Yeah.Someofherfamilyhavekickedoffabouttheexpenseandthetravelling,andshethinksit’stoocomplicated.NotleastasHinduweddingguestlistsarelarge.’
‘WouldyouconsidertheUK?’Roisinsaid.
‘Yeah,totallybut…youonlydoitonce,hopefully.Idon’twanthertoregretitlater.’
‘Honestly,cypresstreeswon’tendupmatteringtoyou,’Meredithsaid.‘Havingahugetear-upandgoinghomehappyaretheonlythingsthatcount.Don’tcauseendlesspoliticswithyourcousins–stayhere.’
DevnoddedandRoisincouldsensehimreadingtheroomatlast.TherewasadistinctabsenceoftheirexhortinghimtosticktoItaly,orMiami,andthatinitselfwassurelytellinghimsomething.
‘Wouldyoualllikeitifitwashere?MyBoltonlotwouldprobablyberelieved,too.’
‘We’dloveit,’Ginasaid.‘Also,Icouldaffordallsortsofadd-ons.Likeacontouringspraytan.There’sthisguywho’smeanttobelikethePicassoofmobilespraytans.’
‘Oh,harkatLadyGaga,’Joesaid.‘IsthatlikewhenIdrewbetterabsonmyActionManwithafelttip?’
TheyfellintotheiraffectionatebickeringandRoisinwasgladthey’ddealtwithitlight-heartedly.IthelpedthatDevwasamannear-incapableoftakingoffence.
‘Oh,bytheway,I’mofftoYorktomorrow,’JoesaidtoRoisin,asthegrouppartedoutside.‘GoingtoseeMumandDadforacoupleofnights,thenLondonforone,backThursday.’
Thursdayitisthen,Roisinthought.It’dbebetter.Riptheplasteroff.Animprovementonthislimbo,asdauntingasitwas.
‘OK,’Roisinsaid.‘Havefun.’
‘Shipspassinginthenight,youtwo,aren’tyou?’Devsaid,chortling,andnooneknewwheretolook.
Roisincamethroughthedoorintothelights-dimmedpub,sawMattandhermother,andscreeched.
‘It’slike’–Roisinhadtoleanonthewalltogetherbreathback–‘likewalkingintoaColdWarSteveartworkorsomething.’
‘Coldplaywho?’hermumsaid.
Lorrainewassittingatatable,hairgatheredupintoagreencasinocroupier’svisor,avapestickjammedinthecornerofhermouth,countingwhatlookedlikeraffletickets.ThejukeboxwasservingBryanFerry:‘SlavetoLove’
Mattwasbehindthebar,Meatballthecatbalancedonhisshoulder,strainingdarkliquidfromasteelshakerintocoupeglasses.
‘Howonearthdidyougetthatmuchcatontoyourshoulder?!’Roisinsaid.
‘Yearsofpractice,’Mattsaid.‘WantaManhattanwithus?McKenziesecretrecipe.’
‘Ooh,yesplease.’Roisinshruggedherjacketoff.‘Mum,you’reallowingthisinsolencefromMeatball?’
‘Keepsthehorriblethingoffmyfloor,’Lorrainesaid.
‘Howdidtheshiftgo?’
‘Amazing.TheyLOVEhim,’Lorrainesaid,castingalookofpureadorationupatMatt.
Thirddrinkmade,MattliftedMeatballdownfromhisshoulder.Thecatwalkedroundthebar,straighttothedoorandbatteditwithapawtobeletout.
Roisinleanedoverandopeneditforhim.
‘Yes,offyougo,youungratefulswine,towhoever’sfoolenoughtokeepyoutherestofthetime,’Lorrainesaid.
‘Thatwashowshealwayssaidgoodbyetome,’RoisinsaidtoMatt,wholaughedashesetboththeirManhattansdown.
‘Sametimetomorrow,MrBall!’Mattcalled.
‘Oh,it’sthatshittingfêteandtheannualhumiliationnextSunday.Aweektomorrow,’LorrainesaidtoRoisin.‘Pleasesayyou’llbehereforthat,Rosie.GracePetershasgotImogenvisiting,soifmydaughter’snotpresent,it’llbeanotherthingtolordoverme.’
‘Shittingfête?’Mattsaid.
‘Mymotherwasconvent-educated,’Roisinsaid.‘Theannualvillagefêteforanominatedcharity.AllthreepubsdecoratetheirgardensandservePimms,andtherearegamesandsoon.Mumhatesit,aswetendtomakelessthaneveryoneelse.’
‘Oh,Iloveachallengelikethis.We’llsmashit,’Mattsaid.‘Whataboutaguess-Meatball’s-weightgame?Littlepairofscales?’
‘You’renotevenjoking,areyou?’Roisinsaid.‘Oh,andGracePeters:Graceisaveryattractivedivorceeabouttown,andMum’sprincipalvillagefrenemy.Hasalovelybigcottageuponthehighstreet.’
‘Cameintoherlookslate,likeCarolVorderman,’LorrainesaidtoanentertainedMatt.‘Goesongirls’holidaysconstantlywithherhugealimonypayoutandtagsitGALIMONY,’Lorrainesaid.‘RubbingmyfaceinthefactthatKentleftmepotless.’
‘Narrator:Gracewasnot,infact,thinkingaboutMumatall,’Roisinsaid,andMattgrinned.‘Imogenisherdaughter,sameageasme,qualifiedGP.I’mateacher,sorightnowwe’reeven,unlessoneofusgetsmarriedandpullsahead,inthisgamethatonlyexistsinmymother’shead.’
‘No,you’renoteven.Imogen’ssingleandmyson-in-lawisfamous,soGracecanchewonthat,’Lorrainesaid.
RoisinandMattsharedalook.47
MattstoodatthebackdoorsofTheMallorywithacupofcoffeeandsaid,‘Thisgardenishuge.It’sgottonsofpotential.Reckonyourmumwouldconsiderchangingthedécor,alittle?Forthefête?’
Onceagain,shescannedforsatire,findingnone.RoisinwouldneverhavepredictedthatMattwouldbeexcitedbyhermother’spubinthesticks.ItwaslikearichkidlovingthedictionarytheygotforChristmas.
Shegazedout,standingshouldertoshoulderwithMatt.
Thelawn,surroundedbyaneatprivetperimeterhedge,waspunctuatedbyhalf-a-dozencircularwoodenpicnictables,stillindecentnick.Therewasnothingwrongwithitandnothingtogetexcitedabout.Mattwasright:ithadpotentialandaseriousdeficitoflove.
‘I’dsayno,thenIrememberifit’syouasking,she’dprobablyinstalloneofthosestripedhelter-skelters.Iwascomingtoaskifyoufancieddoinglastweek’swalkagain?’
‘Now?Yes,whynot!Thatwasgoodscenery.’Heloweredhisvoice.‘How’ditgoyesterday?DidHuntercomeup?’
RoisinhadalreadydecidedherdecisioninSanCarlolastnightwouldstaysecretuntilshe’dtoldJoe.Whateverelsehadhappenedbetweenthem,hedidn’tdeservesomeoneelsefindingouttheirrelationshipwasdefinitivelyoverbeforehedid.Plus,asfarasMattknew,she’dneverwavered.
‘Sinceyourinquiries,I’vediscountedthatHunterstuffentirely.Ifeelprettyembarrassed,actually,’Roisinsaid,checkinghermotherwasdefinitelyupstairs.‘I’venotwatchedtherestofyet,incaseIgoloopyagain.MeredithandGinatriedtotellmeIsoundedinsane.Iwouldn’tlisten.NowI’mcringingsohardI’mwearingmybumholeasascrunchie,asLorrainewouldsay.’
‘Forwhatit’sworth,Ididn’tthinkitwasinsane,’hesaid.‘Notlikely,butnotinsaneeither.’
Roisinsaidsheappreciatedthat,whilewonderingifbothheandJoewereengagedinaBattleshipsgameofsubtlyunderminingeachotherwithher.
Theygottheirjacketsandheadedout.
‘Joedoesn’twanttosplitup,’Roisinsaid,astheygotasafedistancefromTheMallory.‘He’sofferingmelifeinLosAngelesandgoingtotheGoldenGlobes.OrahouseinWestDidsburyifIwalkaway.LikeWhoWantstoBeaMillionaire?’
‘L.A.?Areyougoingtogo?’Mattsaid.
‘No.WhatwouldIdooutthere?ListentoJoe’sZooms?I’mjustamazedhe’stryingtosavetherelationship.’
‘Areyou?Why?’
‘Ihonestlythoughthe’dcheckedoutofit.’
Theywalkeduphillinsilenceforamoment.
‘YoutalkaboutyouandJoeintermsofwhathewantsandwhathemightbedoingorthinkingorfeelingallthetime,butsayverylittleaboutyourself.’
‘Hah,yes.HesaidIwas“undemanding”,’Roisinshotback,thoughsheknewshewasreplyingquicklytomaskherdiscomfort.Sheneededtodobetterthanthat.‘…Somethingshifted,inthelastyear.Itwasconfirmedformeinthefightwehad.Ialwayslikedhowintelligentandsharpandwittyhewas,butI’vecometoseeJoeas—Iseehimdifferently.Iworrythathe’sgotaveryhard,pitilessstreak.’
Mattdidadouble-take.
‘What?’
‘That…isnew?’
‘Newtome.Isthatstupidofme?’
Matthesitated,soRoisinassumedtheanswertothatwas:yes
‘Ialwaysassumedyoulikedthat.’
‘What?’
‘Thathe’saMeanBoy.’Helookedatherwithanawkwardexpression.Theuncertain,apologeticfacesomeonepullswhentheyknowaconversationhasstrayedbeyondthelimitsthatyourconversationsusuallykeepandcan’tpredictthereaction.
Roisindidn’tknowwhattosay.EvenallowingforthefactthatMattwaspissedatJoe,hesaiditsosimply,sostarkly.Asifitwasn’tsubjective.Itwastheconversationalequivalentofaccidentallyseeingyourselfinthefront-facingphonecamera.
Joewasmean–andRoisin‘likedit’?
Shesupposedshehad.Shethoughthewasclever.WhatdiditsayaboutRoisin,thatshehadchosenmean?Howdidyouexplainhavingfalleninlovewithsomeonewhowasn’tnice?
Itwasn’taverysympatheticerror.
‘Idon’twantyoutothinkI’dstayinabadrelationshipforbribes,’shesaid,notknowingwhatelsetosay.
‘Idon’tthinkthat,’Mattsaid.‘Notforasecond.’
‘It’sbeennearlytenyears.Ithoughthemight’vebeenhavingmonkeysexbehindmyback.Ineedtogetmyheadtogetherbeforenextsteps.’
‘Sure.’
RoisinneededtobealonetodwellonwhatMatthadsaidandsheneededconversationaboutsomethingelse.SheoptedforMatt’semployment.
‘I’mgoingtobecarefulwithmypayoff,asIexpecttherawterrorof“nooneelsewillhireme”willbeardownsuddenlyinthemiddleofthenightliketheshriekingghostinTheWomaninBlack,’hesaid.
‘Ifyouwerereallyupagainstit,couldyourfamilynottideyouover?YouknowI’mnotsayingthatinthewayJoewould.’
‘Hah.Nope.I’msureIwasdisinheritedyearsago.’
‘Seriously?’Roisinsaid,stoppingdeadforasecondinsurprise.
‘Yeah,’Mattsaid,balledhandsthrustindenimjacketpockets.‘Imean,IassumeIwas.I’venotseenmyparentsormybrotherinfouryears,soIguessso.It’safairassumption.’
‘I’msosorry.Ihadnoidea.’
MattlivedinacityapartmentatDeansgateSquarewithitsownlift,amezzaninebedroomwithfloatingstaircaseandaherringboneparquetfloor.JoecalleditfurcoatANDfurknickerswealth,butshesupposeditcouldallbeontick.
‘No,I’venotmadeitknown.Pleasedon’ttellanyone,either.’
‘Ofcourse.But…yougohomeatChristmas?’Roisinsaid,frowning,runningsumsinherhead.‘IthoughtIsawphotos?’
‘Istayatsomenicechintzyhotelandtakeafewpictures.Sometimespeopletakethattobemyparents’home.Orthinkthat’smyfamilytradition.Inevercorrectthem.That’sall.’
‘Whydon’tyouwantpeople–us–toknow?’
Hewasablacksheep,andnotagoldenboy?Roisinwasalreadyperceivinghimdifferently,andmaybethatwaswhy.
Mattgaveherasidelongglance.‘I’dnotwanttosingleonepersonout,swearthemtosecrecyandputthatburdenonthem.’
Thatwasanicewayofsayingthathedidn’ttrustittocirculate,whomeverhechose.
‘…Ididn’ttellyouallbecause,firstly,Idon’twanttogetintowhyI’mestrangedfromthem.Secondly,becausesomepeoplewouldprobablygloat.’
‘I’dnothavesuspectedthisatall.I’mreallysurprised.’Roisintriednottobejustslightlyhurt,workingitout.Hedidn’twantJoespecificallytoknow.Whomeverhe’dtoldwouldthinkRoisinwassafeasconfidante,andRoisincouldn’tbetrustedaroundJoe.MrsMeanBoy.
‘Iknowwhyyou’dnotsuspectit.’
‘Why?’
Mattpulledhimselfoverastilewitheasyagilityand,onceontheotherside,offeredahelpinghandtoRoisin,whichsheaccepted.
Whentheyresumedwalking,Mattsaid,‘BecauseIseemsuperficialandshallow,somylifemustbeacinch.Guesswhat:superficial,shallowpeoplecanhaveshithappentothem,too.’
Hethrewherasmiletodefusethis,andshecouldn’treturnit.Shecouldhearhowhurthewas.
‘No,youseemtohandlethingssoeffortlesslyandhavesuchasunnydisposition,that’swhy.Fromtheoutside,yourlifeseemswelljoyful,touseaphraseofmypupilAmir’s.’
‘Whenyouputitlikethat.Thankyou.’Hesmiled.‘I’vecultivatedthefrivolousimageenough,sowhoamItocomplain.Itwaseasier.’
‘Ifithelps,I’veneverdiscussedthecomplexitiesofmyfamilybackgroundwiththeBrianseither,’Roisinsaid.‘Whichfeelssosurprising,givenhowcloseIamtothegirlsespecially.I’dtrustthemwithanything.Ijustcan’t.Itworriesmethat,atthirty-twoyearsold,Imustthinkit’smyshameanddisgracealso.Whyelsekeepitsecret?’
‘CanIaskmoreaboutit?’Mattsaid.‘Areweplaying“youshowmeyourdysfunctionandI’llshowyoumine”,outhereinthewoods,orarewebeingwaymoreelegantthanthat?’Theybrokethemountingtensionwithlaughter.
‘Iwasleavingthatuptoyou,’Roisinsaid.‘Plus,you’vegottogobackandactnormalaroundmymother.’
‘OK,yougofirst,becausemineisworse,andyouwon’twanttosaymuchafterit.’
Thatmightbebullishlyoverconfident,Roisinthought.48
Roisinbreathedinandoutandlookedattheswirlingeddiesoftheriverastheirpathbroughtitinsight.Sherememberedcomingoutheretositonthebankanddrinkcansofciderinheryouth.
Itfelteasiertobeopen,inthisseclusion.Stilldifficult,buteasier.
‘Longstoryshortis,myparentswerewhatyou’dcallswingers.Thethingaboutyourparentsgettinguptothatkindofrumshitis,noonetellsyouwhat’sgoingon.Yourresponsibleadultsaretheonesresponsible.It’snotlikeanyonesitsyoudownandsays,“Sothere’sthebirds,thebees,andalsoyourmumanddad,whoareawholepettingzoo.”Youworkitout,bitbybit.Thatprocessoffiguringitoutaloneiswhatmessedmeupthemost,really.Thewhisperingandthelockeddrawersandthesnoggingtheythoughtwedidn’tsee.ThedrasticwarningsthatmybrotherandIhadaboutleavingourbedroomsafterlightsoutwhentheyhad“parties”,evenifwehadnightmares.’
RoisinlookedatMatt.Justrecountingit,shefeltqueasy.
‘Youseewhythisisunbroachable?Mostpeoplearelike,ughIdon’twanttothinkIhaveasiblingsomyparentsdiditTWICE.’
Mattsmiled.
‘YouknowthatbitinHunter,whereheseeshismumwithanotherman,roundthecornerfromDadwithanotherman’swife?ThatwasLorraine.ItoldJoeaboutit.Herippedthatoff,didn’taskmepermission.SoIsawthatoldwoundunexpectedlyreopenedinthescreeningroom.’
‘Seriously?Hedidn’ttellyouhewasusingit?Wow.’
ItwasgrimlysatisfyingtoseeMatt’samazement.
‘MydaddiedofamassivestrokewhenIwassixteen.Hewaslyingunclothedunderneathoneofmymother’sbestfriends,Kimberley,atthetime.Whowasalsomarried.Asmuchasmymumknewthedealingeneral,Idon’tthinksheknewthatparticulardeal.IthinkwithKimitwasjustgoodold-fashionedcheating,withsomeoneofflimits.Ioverheardthephonecallsafterhedied.That’sthelieoftheopenrelationship,Ithink.It’snevergoingtohurtanyone,untilitdoes.It’snotasifI’veeverasked,though.’
Mattnodded.
‘Therehadtobeaninquest,soitallcameout.Massivevillagescandal.It’dbebadenoughifyourdad’saffairwasmadepublicatatimelikethat,butrumourswereflyingthatitwasmuchmorethanthat,withMrandMrsWalters.Itwasfungoingtoschoolafterthat,Icantellyou.’
Roisinsighed.‘TheMallorygotgraffitiedwithPERVERTSPUBE.Wasitamisspellingofpub?We’llneverknow.MaybewhyIcan’ttalkaboutthisisthatitsoundsfunny,butitwastheoppositeoffunny.Wehavetomakeajokeofittocopewithit,right?Itry,andIcan’t.IendupfeelinglikeIamthejoke.’
‘Itdoesn’tsoundafunnythingtoexperience,atall,’Mattsaidsupportively.‘Youneedyourmumanddadtobeyourmumanddad.’
Roisinpickedupastoneandthrewitintotheriver,watchingitglanceoffthewaterbeforedisappearingunderthesurface.
‘Ourliveswereintattersandmymotherwasthereinherblackdressandbirdcageveilatthewake,likeJackieKennedy,cryingtomeandRyan,“WhatamIgoingtodonow?”Itwashertragedyalone.Asitturnedout,whatshewasgonnadowashaveflingswithastringofunsuitablemenandgetanevenworsereputation.’Roisinlookedoverathim.‘There’sabackgroundreasonshecan’tgetstaff,Matt.Womeninthisplacedon’ttalktohermuch,andtheydon’tlettheirhusbandsspendtheirmoneyinherpubeither.Itwassixteenyearsago,butinavillage,that’ssixteenminutes.’
Matt’seyeswidenedslightly.‘Isee.’
Roisinwassorryifshe’dsouredtheeasyrapporthehadwithLorraine.Equally,shewastiredofsharinghermother’sburdens.
‘Wereyouclosetoyourdad?’Mattasked.Hechosethecorrectturnleft,rememberingtheroutefromlasttime.
‘IwaswhenIwasakid.IwastheappleofhiseyeandRyanwasmymum’sfavourite.Ithoughtthatwasnormalatthetime,butIlookbackandrealise,likeeverythingelseaboutmychildhood,itwasn’t,really.Itwasacceptedthattheysortofsponsoredachildeachandignoredtheotherone.MydadadoredmewhenIwastinywithbunchesandcuteandhisangel,thenaroundthirteen,fourteen,whenIbecameahormonal,lumpyteenagerwithmyownprivatelife,herejectedme.I’llneverknowwhynoworifitwouldhaveimproved.That’slife’smystery,isn’tit?You’releftwithbestguesses.OhmyGod.’Roisinpaused.
‘What?’
‘That’swhatI’vebeendoing,withJoe?Amanhasstoppedlovingme,andallmyfocusisonwhyandwhatIdidwrong.Solvingthemystery.Fuck,’Roisinsaid.‘Areyousomekindofincrediblystealthytherapistinexpensiveboots?’
‘Ihavebeencalledahealer,yes,’Mattsaid,slippingbackintotheMattMcKenziemodeshewasfamiliarwith.‘Andthebootsarevalueperwear.’
‘Whataboutyou?Whydidyoufalloutwithyourfamily?’Roisinsaid.
‘Oh…well.’Herubbedathishairashepluckedupthecourage.‘ThecontextisthatIwasneververypopular.MyolderbrotherCharliewastheheir,andIwasthespare.Helovedourschool,wentandgotthehigh-flyingjobintheCitytheywantedforus.Ihatedschool,wasthedisappointment,theproblem.Theunpromisingone.Jesus,whyamItellingyouthis,likeitexcusesme…’Hebrokeoff.‘Here’swhathappened,Roisin.Mydad’sbrotherwaspossibly,wethought,interferingwithhisteenagedaughter,mycousin.Therewerehintsandshetoldmecodedthingsonce.Shedidn’ttellmeIcouldn’ttellanyone,soItoldmyparents.Itwasdiscussedinhushedwell,whatcanyoudotones.Noonewasgoingtodoanything.Familycomesfirst.Or,moreaccurately,ourreputationcomesfirst.SoIreporteditanonymously.Ithoughtthattheauthoritieswouldintervene,gethersomehelp.Getheroutofthathouse.’
‘…Youdidtherightthing?’
‘Ididn’t,’Mattsaid.
Theyfellsilentastheyapproachedandpassedsomeramblerswithsticks.
‘Ididn’tconsidertheimpactortherepercussions,atall.Irevealedshe’dsaidsomething.Imadeherlifealivinghell.’
‘Yourfamilywereangryyou’ddoneit?Didyoutellthemitwasyou?’
‘Whenmyunclerangupinarage,accusingme,theyfiguredoutitprettyfast.Hedeniedeverything,andmycousindid,too.Sheinsisteditwasmaliciousinventiononmypart.Therewasnocharge,obviously,becausewithouthertestimonytheyhadnothing.Whoknowsifitwastrue;Ihavetoacceptitmightnothavebeen.Shehadmentalhealthissues,butgivenwhatcouldhavehappenedtoher,that’sachickenandeggsituation,isn’tit?’
Mattexhaled.Hisvoicesoundeddifferent.‘Eitherway,shehasn’tspokentomesince.Ipossiblyfalselyaccusedmyuncleoftheworstcrimeandtriedtoblowtheirfamilyunitapart.Shewasfragile,andIwreckedherhead.Theyallloathemeandwantnothingtodowithme,obviously,soIcan’tgotoanyfamilyevents.Andastimewenton,myownparentsandbrotherstartedtomissmeoutofthings.Itstartedoffaseasier,andthen,Iguess…’Mattfellsilent.
Roisinswallowedhard.Shedidn’twanttosaysomethingtriteshe’dregret.
‘So,yeah.That’swhoIam.Excommunicated.Self-importantbadactor,tothepointofdestroyingfamilies.’
‘You’rethebadactorofthispiece?You?Idon’tseeit?’
‘There’saboutnineotherpeoplewhodo.’49
‘Whyareyouterriblefortryingtohelpsomeone?’Roisinsaid.
‘BecauseIwasthinkingofmyselfandmyself-image.ThinkingIwasacrusaderforwhatwasright,myjuvenileego.Ratherthantheconsequencesthatshewouldbear.Iwasvery“fuckthistoxicconspiracyofsilence!”Thedebateoverwhetherornotitwastherightthingtodo,Rosh,hasbeenprovenbythefall-out.Positiveoutcomes:zero.Damage:huge.’
‘Youcan’tpossiblyknowwhatwould’vehappenedifyou’dnottriedtodosomething.You’dhavehatedyourself.’
‘Thetwist:Istillhatemyself,’Mattsaid,kickingastoneoutoftheway.
‘Theblamelieswithyouruncleandfrankly,thebystanders,iftheyhadsuspicionsanddidnothing.You’retheonlyinnocent.’
‘Thanks.I’vetriedthoserationalisations,too.ThenIthinkaboutwhatmyunclemusthavebeenliketolivewithafterthevisitfromthepolice,and…’Mattshookhishead.‘Plus,Ididn’twarnher.’Hisvoicewaveredandhewasquietforamomentwhilehegotcontrolback.‘Ididn’twarnher,’hesaid,witheffort,‘whichyou’resupposedtodo.Believeme,Icouldrecitealltheguidancenowforyouoffbyheart.Ididn’taskher.IfI’daskedher,she’dhavetoldmenottodoit.WhichiswhyIdidn’t,ofcourse.IthoughtIknewbetter.Iwasgoingtosaveher.Atwenty-three-year-oldtwat.’
‘Haveyouseenheratall,since?’
‘Nope,’Mattsaid.‘Iwasn’tgoingtomakelifeworseforherbyseekingherout.’
‘Well,’Roisinsaid,‘Ifyourmortalsinwastakingactionwhennooneelsewould,Icantellyouitwasn’tone.Itwasn’tyourfault.Yourfamilyarewrong,andblamingyouforwhathappenedisgenuinelyhorrific.I’vesaidthistoJoemanytimes,butIthinkthat,ifyougrewupinanormal,happyfamily,youjustcan’tfullyimaginethemadones.They’reliketryingtostayuprightonatrampolinewhicheveryoneelseisbouncingupanddownon,ashardastheycan.’
Mattsaidnothing.
‘Whatwasyourfamily’sreasonforcuttingyouoff?’Roisinsaid.
‘Itwasmoreadeterioration.Itbecameobviousit’dbebetterforeveryoneifIremovedmyselffromthesituation.Wecreakedthroughmybrother’sweddingdayforappearances’sake,mesomehowavoidingmyuncleallnightlikeMissionImpossible.AfterthatIthought,OK,ifmypresenceonlymakeseveryoneuncomfortable,whybother?’
‘I’msosorry.Youdon’tdeservethisatall,’Roisinsaid,andMattgaveheragratefulbutresignedshrugoftheshoulders.
Theywalkedinsilenceforaminute.
‘I’venevertoldanyonethis,evenJoe,’Roisinsaid,notsurewhyshewastellinganyonenow.‘Ididn’tthinkitwasreallyboyfriend-friendly.Whilewe’reunburdening.IsleptwithpeopleIwishIhadn’t,inthefirstfewyearsaftermydaddied.’Roisincouldn’tlookatMattwhenshesaidthis,asconfidinginamalefriendaboutthisfelttricky.‘…PeoplewhoIdidn’tlikeanddidn’twant.ThebriefperiodwhereIthoughtIwasafemmefatale.IdressedupasRitaHayworthinGildaforasixth-formfancydresspartyandsuddenly,overnight,Iwaspopular.Ithought,ahright,thisiswhyLorrainetradesonit.SoIhadastringofboyfriendsandtriedtoimpersonatesomeoneeveryoneloved,whilehatingmyself.Ittookuniversityandworkingatthebookshoptofindmypeople.’
‘Ah,theself-loathinghook-ups.Yes.WhydoyouthinkIneverdateanyoneImightendupliking?’Mattsaid,tersebutsmiling.‘AnyphotosofyouasGilda?Forreference.’
Roisinlaughed.Thiswasturningouttobethreemilesofepiphanies.
‘Whenwesetoutonthiswalk,Ithoughtweweretwofun,laidbackpeople,’Roisinsaid,pattingMattonthearm.‘Infact,we’reapairoffuck-ups.Harrowing.’
‘Let’sneverdoanysoul-searchingagain,’Mattsaid.
‘Agreed,’Roisinsaid.TheyfoundeasysubjectstotidethemoveruntilTheMallorywasonceagaininsight.
Roisinpaused.She’dhadtimetothink.ShewantedtofindabetterpartofherselfforMatt,someonewhowasn’tbedazzledbyMeanBoys.
‘Thatwasagoodwalk.Ifeellighter,’Roisinsaid,brushingherhairoutofherfacetolookathimproperly.
‘Yeah,actually,tomysurprise,sodoI.Theimportanceofyour10ksteps,’hesaid.
‘Matt.Mydadoncesaidyouoftenregretcowardice,butyouneverregretbravery.’
‘Itwasn’tbravery,istheproblem.’
‘CanIaskyousomething–doyoustillthinkhedidit?Youruncle?’
Mattlookedperturbed.Shewonderedifheregrettedtellingher.
‘…Yeah.Ido.’
‘Thenyouhadnochoice.’
‘Ididhaveachoice.’
‘Youmadetherightone,whichwastodosomething.’
Mattlookedattheground.‘Icould’vedonesomething,better.’
‘Animperfectattempttohelpisbetterthanaself-protectivenothing.Iknowthat.Yourfamilypushedyouawaybecausetheyknowthat.Theyhatethemselvesforit,andyouremindthemofit.Deepdown,youknowthat.Oryouwill,oneday.’
TopreventMattfeelinghehadtoreply,shehuggedhim.Roisinhopedhermotherwasn’tlookingoutthewindow.
ShefeltherphonebuzzasshepulledherjacketoffandfoundaWhatsAppfromJoe’smum.
Roisincouldyoutakemeaphotoofthemagnoliatree?I’mtryingtorememberhowfaritisfromthefence!ThankyouXX
Shetypedback:
SorryFayI’mactuallyoutatmymum’satthemoment!WillsortpicassoonasI’mhome.Rx
Noproblem,I’lldiscusswithmysonwhenhearrivestomorrow.Lotsoflove.XX
Tomorrow?Roisinthought.Didn’tJoesayhewasgoingtoYorktoday?Shecouldsendaphishingtexttoconfirmordeny,butshecouldn’tthinkwhatthatwouldbe,anditwouldmakeherfeelunclean.BeforeHunter,Roisinwouldhavebarelynoticedthiscontradiction.
WasJoe,infact,stillinManchester?
Thatwashighriskifso,withRoisinonlyelevenmilesaway?
Sneakingaroundisratherexcitingandbecomesabitofanart.Itwasverymuchpartofwhatmadeitelectrifying.50
Gettingalongwithhermother,whenhesentherhormonesaflutter,wasonething,butsomehowMcKenziebroughtTerenceonboard,too.RoisinbegantothinkofMattasasorcerer.
Suchastarkirony,tobeshunnedbyhisownfamilyandsoeffortlesslybelovedbyotherpeople’s.
Ostensibly,therewasnothingaboutMattthatwouldbeappealingtoTerence.Hewasinherentlysuspiciousofthosewhoresidedinthemetropolis,tossingaboutwiththeire-scootersandbraisedchicory.
YetthroughawinningcombinationofMattseekingTerence’sadvice,chattingtohimeasilyontopicsofTerenceinterest,andawillingnesstorollhissleevesupandcleanupadramaticspillfromtheexplodingkegofguestale,Terencewaswonround.
EnoughtosaytoRoisin,‘Howlong’stheprettyboystaying?’andwhenshesaid,‘Oh,onlyafewweeks,’henoddedcontemplativelyandsaid,‘CertainlyavastimprovementonRingToneBrandon.’
RoisinknewbetterthantoaskwhoRingToneBrandonwas.
WatchingMattseduceeverybodyinhispathmadetheriftwithhisownfamilyallthestranger.ThathadplayedonRoisin’smindalotsincehe’dtoldher.Shethoughtaboutwhyhiscousinmight’vesoughtMattouttotellhim.Whethershe’dwantedhimtoreportit,thenrecanted.Givenhewasolderthanhiscousin,andtheoppositesex,itseemedquiteatributetohim,tohavechosenMatttoconfidein.Roisinaskedherselfwhatshewould’vedone.
Shethoughtabouthowhehadconcealedit,andthosestrangeChristmases;whatthedismissalfromBenbarrowHallmusthavefeltlikeasaresult.
Shethoughtabouthowhedidn’tdateanyonehemightendupliking,becausehedidn’tlikehimself.
Ithinkhecan’tbewithGinabecauseit’dhavetomeansomething,andhecan’triskthat.
Mid-week,Mattannouncedhehadtoheadbackto‘theBigApple’–Manchester,forWebberleyparochials–forafewdays.
‘Myformeremployerwantstotalktome.Noideawhat’sgoingon–maybetheywantthegardeningleavecashback.I’llhearthemoutatleast,Iguess,andtheplantsinmyflatneedwatering,’Mattsaid.‘Don’tworry,I’llbebackingoodtimeforthefête.’
RoisinsuspectedMattmightalsohaveman-about-towndatingbusinesstoattendto,butdidn’tpry.Itwasn’tasiftherewasmuchelsetodoontheeveningsinWebberleyotherthanscrolltheapps.WhoknewwhichmoviestarswerelurkingbehindfalsemonikersonHinge.
Lorrainehadfinallyfoundacoupleofbarstafftotrial:aforty-year-oldwomancalledAmyandatwenty-year-oldladcalled,somewhatsurprisingly,Ernest.(‘Mustbecomingbackin,’Lorrainesaid.)Roisinagreedtomakeherselfscarceratherthanhavethemfightingforthesodagunwiththelandlady’sdaughter.Shestilldidn’twanttofacetheflat.
Therefore,earlyonThursdayevening,Roisinwasratherashamedtosay,outofpureloose-endynessmorethananythingelse,shedecidedtoconfrontthefinaltwoepisodesofHunter
WatchingitonaniPad,headphonesin,wasafarlower-stakesexperiencethantheBenbarrowscreeningroom.Hermum’siPlayerhistoryshowedshe’dstillnotwatchedthefirstepisode:thankGod.
ItfadedinwithTheStoneRoses’‘FoolsGold’andasleepingJasperHunter.Inthedarkenedbedroom,hisgirlfriend,Becca,waveshisiPhonehandsetinfrontofJasperHunter’ssleepingfaceandwithFaceID,itripplesopen.
Hiseyelidsflickerasshescrollsand,asquietlyaspossible,replacesthephoneinthechargeronthenightstand.
CuttoJasperrubbinghisfaceofsudsintheshower.
‘Iknowwhatyou’rethinking,andyou’rewrong,’Jaspersaystocamera.‘Icollectevidence,Idon’tcreateitmyself.There’snothingonmyphone,becauseonlyidiotsgetcaughtlikethat.’
Therewasproceduralinvestigation,quipsfromShaunRyder,themurderofanightclubhostessinAncoats,andmorefrenziedrumpinginJasper’scar,barebuttockspressedagainsttheglass.Roisinrealisedthegreatestthreatwastoherattentionspan,nothernerves.Shepausedittocheckhowlongithadleftforepisodetwo.Twelveminutes.Alright:she’dgetthroughthatandthengohaveabeer.
ShewaszoningoutwhenJasperwasstoodinthebriefingroom,discussingthedeadwaitresshe’dhadsexwithinatoiletstall,whilepointingatawhiteboard.
Anotherdetectivefloppedopenanotebookandreadaloud:‘Hardtotrackdownanythingabouther,somethingofamysteryandhadnorecords.She’sCroatian,fromSplit.Tangledlovelife.Shewasseeingamarriedmaninthemilitarypolice.Wedon’thaveanameforhim…’
Roisinraisedbothhandsasifshewasapassengerinacrashingcar,leapingoffthesofaasifitwasaflame.She’dalwaysthoughtthat‘jumpedoutofmyseat’wasafigureofspeech.
ShehitpauseonthechatterontheiPad,handstrembling.Roisinreplayedthewordsinherhead.Shedraggedthearrowatthebottomofthemonitorbackwardsandletthesceneplayagain.
Hardtotrackdownanythingabouther.She’sCroatian,fromSplit.Tangledlovelife.Shewasseeingamarriedmaninthemilitarypolice.Wedon’thaveanameforhim…
Roisin’steethwerechatteringasifshe’dwalkedintoameatlocker.Thatwasher–thatwasthewaitressfromSesso,thenightJoesaiddidn’tmatter,andnothinghappened?
Roisinaddedupthepointsinherhead:Croatia.(Thatwasenoughonitsown,really.Whatweretheoddsonthatcoincidence?)Theaffairwithamilitarypoliceman.Herlackofdigitalfootprint.Oh,andherappearance,whichRoisinthoughtmustinfactbesignificant.
Hereitwas.Theproof.Joehadsexwiththisgirl?No,surelynot?ButhowelsewastheSessowaitresssoclearlytheinspirationforthischaracter,someonehesupposedlydidn’tknow?
ShemessagedJoe.
Whenareyoubacktoday?
Justnow!Iwasgoingtoaskifyouwerefreefordinner.
Onmyway
Roisinmadeagarbledexplanationtoherpreoccupiedmotherandjumpedintohercar,scrunchinggravelasshedepartedWebberleylikeabatoutofhell,abatwhoneverthelessdidn’twantaspeedingfine.Herthoughtswereinatumblethroughoutajourneythathitrushhouranddragged.
Shewasgoingtorevealshe’dcheckeduponJoe,andyetitwouldsurelypaleintoinsignificancecomparedtowhatshewasabouttoexpose.
Hermindranonandonwithpossibilities:wasitaone-off,orwasthissomethinghedidhabitually?Thethoughtofit,thethoughtthatshehadbeensharingherbedwithsomeoneshedidn’tknow…
Joeopenedthedoorasshestoodoutside,keyspoised.Helookeddressedtogoout,inaFredPerrypoloshirt.
‘Hi,Ireserved…’
‘Hi.’Roisinsteppedpasthim,toencouragehimtoshutthedooragain,whichhedid.‘I’vegotaquestionaboutepisodetwoofHunter.’
‘Er.OK?’
‘Canyouexplaintomehowawaitress,Petra,whoworkedatSesso,twoyearsago–andsowastherewhenwewentforGina’sbirthday–wasCroatianandhadasecretmarriedloverinthemilitarypolice?Andacharacterinyourshow,wholookedlikeher,hadtheexactsamebiography?’Shedrewbreath.‘Artmirroringlife,toanuncannydegree?’
JoelookedatRoisin,eyesnarrowed,apparentlyneitherateasenorstartled.‘Howdoyouknowallthis?’hesaid.
Hisvoicewassteadyandcalm.Hewasunruffledandcomposed.Hewaseitheraborderlinepsychopathor…hewasinnocent?Roisindidn’tseehowhecouldbe.
‘Let’sworkouthowthiscoincidencehappened,first?’shesaid,frontingconsiderablymorebolshinessthanshefelt.‘Yougothomelaterthanmethatnight,havingleftyourscarfbehind,collectedit,andwalkedhome.Youshoweredwhenyougotin,whichwasunusual.Youobviouslyknewthisgirl.I’dliketohearthesuper-articulateexplanation.OramIbeing“ridiculous”again?’
‘Oof,OK.I’mstartingtogomad,Ithink…’
‘YOU’REstartingtogomad?YOU?’51
‘Thereisanexplanationforit,Rosh,yes.It’snotthatIhadsexwithanyoneinatoiletstall.Ifthat’swhatyou’reimplying,andI’mprettysureyouare.’
‘I’mlistening.’
‘Ileftmyscarfbehindthatnight.Byaccident,notintentionally.Iwalkedbacktogetit,asyouknow.WhenIreachedtherestaurant,Isawitwasroundtheneckofawaitresswhowassmokingoutside.Shewasupset,she’dhadafightwithherboyfriend.Sheofferedmeacigarette.Ithoughtitwasakindnesstokeephercompany.Icouldalsosensetherewasprobablymaterialinit.’
Roisin’seyeswidened.
‘Yeah,Iknowthatsoundsgrubby,whichiswhyIdidn’tdiscloseitatthetime.Thereweare.Ican’twriteaboutamanwhostaysin,lookingintoalaptopscreeninthesuburbseverynight.Takinganinterestinotherpeople’slivesandbeinganosybastardgoeswiththeterritory.’
Roisinwasn’tgoingtoencourageanothersoliloquyaboutscreenwriting,sostayedsilent.
‘Ihungaround,chattedwithherandsmokedwithherforfifteen,twentyminutes.Shetoldmetheboyfriendwasamarriedguy.Iofferedhersomemeagreadviceshewasn’tgoingtotake,wishedherluck.Iwalkedhomeandshowered,asIknewgettingintobednexttoyoureekingofParliamentLights,eightyearsafterIquit,wasnotagreatidea.’
‘Yetbythetimeyoucametowriteit,thewayitplayedoutwasthatyouandPetrawereclimbingeachother,yankingeachother’shair?’
‘JasperHunterandacharacterinspiredbyPetradidthosethings.Isthisreallywhatyouthinkofme?’
‘Haveyouseenyourownshow?!It’sprettyhardtobelievethatacompletelyinnocentchatbecamethatsequenceonscreen.Andthatdespitetheencounterbeinginnocent,you’reonlyadmittingtoitnow.’
Joelookedincredulous.‘OK,OK–ifI’ddoneitmyself,whatarethelogistics,here?We’veestablishedyouwereawakewhenIgothome,right?’
Roisingavethemostminisculeofshrugs.
‘Firstly,wehavetobelieveatwenty-two-year-oldwantedtoshagathen-thirty-year-old,despitemeseeminglikeGandalftoher,I’msure.I’mnoRufusTateandIdon’thaveanycinematiclicencetocleararestaurant.Basedonthreeminutesofchattingherupshe’ssuddenlygame,thenwe’vegot,what,fifteenminutesleftattheabsolutemosttohaveaknee-tremblerbehindsomebottlebins?’
Roisinsaidnothing.
‘Thatwouldn’thaveappealedtomewhenIwasarandyteenager.LetalonewhenIhadalovelyhomeandanicegirlfriendtogohometo,’Joeadded.
RoisinhadtoadmitthatJoe’ssteadinesssuggestedhehadnothingtohide.
‘Sureyoudidn’ttakePetra’snumber?Arrangesomethingelseforanothertime?Thenfailtomentionittome,forthatreason?’
‘Yes,I’mverysure.Foronething,I’mnotapredatorycreeptowardsdistressedyoungwomen.Feelfreetocheckmyphoneifyouneedto.’
(Except:onlyidiotsleaveevidenceonphones,right?)
‘Aftertheliesyou’vetoldme,whyshouldIbelievethisrevisedversionwhereyes,OK,youmether?’Roisinsaid.
Yetshewaschickenscratching,andsheknewit.Thisfittedallthefacts.Iftherewasaholetopick,shecouldn’tseeitrightnow.
‘TheliesI’vetoldyou?!Ididn’thandletheconfrontationatthecountryhousewell.Iadmittedthat.Ididn’tlietoyou?’
‘Youdidn’tmentionfagbreakswithheartbrokengirlsfromSplit,didyou?’
‘Itwasn’trelevant!YouonlywantedtoknowifI’dsleptwithher!WhywouldIgetintothis,givenitdidn’tmatterandsoundsweird?’
‘Thankyou!Atleastyouconcedeitsoundsweird.’
‘Buthavingabriefandentirelyclothedchatwithsomeoneoftheoppositesexisn’tbeingunfaithful,lastIchecked.’
Roisin’spoundingheartstartedslowing,andsherememberedthatshehadrevealedmoreaboutherselfthanJoe.Clearlyhedid,too.
‘Yourturn.Youstillhaven’ttoldme.Howdoyouknowthis,aboutPetra?’
Roisinswallowed.Sweatbloomedunderherclothes.‘IwenttoSessofordinner,satatthebar.Gotchattingtothefrontofhouseandhetoldme.’
‘He?Aguy?Youwentandproppedupabaralone,andgotintoconversation?Tocheckuponme?’Joesaid.
‘Yes.’Roisinfelt,andlooked,crappy.
‘Thatdoesn’tsoundlikeyouatall.’
‘IwasprettyshakenupbyHunter,Joe.YouknowandIknowthatitcontainedatleastonescenefromreallife.Igotgiventhelastweekofffromtermbecausethekidswereharassingmerelentlesslyaboutit,aboutwhetheritwasreal.EventuallyIfeltIhadtofindout.’
Itwasamanipulativemomenttorevealthis,yetitwasanemergencyforherdignity.
Joe’sbrowknitted.‘Right,becauseabunchofthirteen-year-oldsknowmebetterthanyoudo.Sorry,Ican’tgetpastyougoingtoSessotochattothefrontofhouse.What’shecalled?’
WasJoejealous?Roisinhadn’tmuchexperienceofthis,yetshesupposedshe’dnevergivenhimcause.
‘Rick.’
‘Youwentoutfordinneraloneandactedlikeyouwereinterestedinthestoriesofsomeguyworkingthere?’
‘Yes.’
‘Ithinkthechancesofthatblokegettingthewrongendofthestick,usingitasanopportunityandhittingonyou,areprettyhigh.Whichiswhyyou’dneverdoit.It’swhollyoutofcharacter.’
‘I’dneverdoit,andyetIdid,’Roisinsaid.Itfeltvile,beingthisbrazen.Brazen,andhypocritical.
‘Didyou?’Joesaid.‘Onyourmother’slife?’
‘Yup,’Roisinsaid,flinchinghardatthelieandtellingherselfitwasabsolutelynecessary,tokeepMattoutofit.‘Hedidn’thitonme.’
‘Youhonestlythoughtmeshaggingwaitresseswassolikely,youturnedprivateinvestigator?’
‘Ididn’tknowwhattothink.’
‘IthinkI’mentitledtofeelprettyupset,don’tyou?Iapologisedforthescenewithyourmum,itwasoutoforder.Idon’tthinkitjustifiesthesuspicionI’mfullscumbag.Thisiswhereweare,isit?’
Roisindidn’tknowhowtorespond.‘Bytheway,whatdaydidyougotoYork,toyourparents?’shesaid.
‘Sunday.’
‘YourmumsaidyouwerearrivingMonday.’
Joeblinked,lookedmomentarilyblank.‘Yeah.IkippedoveratDom’sonSunday.Iknewwe’dgetpissedhavingacatch-upandIdidn’twanttogetinlateandwakemyparentsup.IsaidYork–Ididn’tthinkyoucaredaboutmyitinerary.WhywouldItellyouthewrongday?’
‘Ididn’tknow,that’swhyIasked.’
‘Oh,soIcanlurkaroundherewithwaitresses?’
‘Ihaveno—’
‘Tellyouwhat,’Joesaid,interrupting,angrynow,fumblinghisphoneoutofhispocketandscrolling.‘Here.Proof.Mostrecentphotosonmycameraroll.’HeturnedthescreentofaceRoisin.He,Domandhiswife,Vic,satongardendecking,aselfie,cheersingforthecamera.‘ItmakestotalsenseI’dusemyparentsasacoverstorygivenyoutalktothemdirectlyallthetime.Fuck’ssake.’
Roisinsaidnothing.
‘WhydoIfeelasifyoualmostwantanexcuse,here?’Joesaid.‘Ifyouwanttofinishwithme,Roisin,doit.Stopallthiscastingaroundforareasonyoucanraiseupthatmakesyoutheinjuredparty.’
Roisinsaid,‘Iwantedtoknowthetruth.That’sall.’
‘Iguessatleastwe’vedonethisathomeforfree,insteadofpayingRelatetolistentoit.Whatawaytodiscoveryourrealopinionofme.’
Unliketheirfirsttwoface-offs,Joewasonthemoralhighgroundforthisthirdround.Hewasn’tgoingtoletRoisinofflightly.Fairenough,really,shethought.Itwasn’tasifshe’dgonegentleonhim.
Sheclearedherthroat.Shewasgoingtohavetoconfirmherdecisiontoendthingshavingmadeaflurryoffalseaccusations.ItwasindeedwhatWendyCopelandhadcodenamedNFI.
‘Ithinkweshouldsplitup,Joe.Something’sbrokenformethatcan’tbefixed.Ithinkifwewenttocounselling,it’ddelaytheinevitableandwasteyourtime,andIdon’twanttodothat.’
‘Wow,’Joesaid,regardingher.Shecouldn’ttellwhatpercentageofhisrighteousindignationwasfuryandwhatwashurt.Shewasbusytryingtokeepcontrolherself.
Hesteppedbackwardsandsatdownonthearmofthesofa.‘FuckingwowTenyearstogether,andyouthrowitinmyfacethatwe’reoverfiveminutesbeforeIgotoLosAngeles.Nowyourepeatit,aftergoingbehindmybacktocheckuponmeandaccusingmeoffuckingaround.Soitdidn’tmatterwhetherIwasguiltyornot?You’restilldoingthis?’
‘I’msorry,’Roisinsaidstupidly.Itsoundedawful,becauseitwas.
‘Right,well,’Joesaid,afteranagonisingpause.‘Thepaperworkontheapartmentisdone–Isentitbacktoday.I’llstartlookingforflatsandpackingmythingsup.’
‘Idon’twantyoutogivemeyourshareofthisapartment.It’sinsanelygenerous,butit’stoomuch.’
‘IgaveyoumywordandIkeepmyword.Italsomeanswedon’thavetodragthisoutandgetinvolvedininterminablebackandforthoversellingit,solicitors,allthatshit.Idon’twantanyofit.Iwanttogo.’
‘OK.’
‘Well,Idon’twanttogo,atall.But.’
HegaveRoisinapenetrating,sullenlook.Itshouldlooklikepureloathing,yetitwassomehowaRhettButlerstarethatshefearedcouldequallyprecedeshoutingortryingtokissher.Liketheirinitialshowdown,itwasasifJoewasfinallyinterested.
AthoughtcametoRoisin:thatclearbellvoiceofhersubconscious.Nowhecan’thaveyou,hereallywantsyou.Atiredlovehadbecomeasharphungeragain.
‘I’llstayonatmymum’stogiveyouspace,’Roisinsaid.
‘Great.’
TherewasnothingtosayascomfortthatJoewouldn’tthrowbackinherface.Itwastoosoon,andquitepossiblytheonlytimesthatwouldeverbeavailableweretoosoonandtoolate.
Roisinwenttoletherselfout,feelingsickandfoolishwithhowbadlyithadgonethankstoherrashaccusations.Itwasasifshe’dcrashedintosomeone’sparkedcarwhenarrivingtobreaknewsofadeath.
Playstupidgames,winstupidprizes.
‘Isthereanyoneelse?’Joesaid,assheopenedthedoor.
‘What?’Roisinsaid.
‘Oh,sorry,isthismistrustaone-waystreet?Isthereanyoneelseyouhaven’ttoldmeabout?’
‘No,ofcoursenot.’
Therewasnothingelsetobesaid.
Shegotintoherdriver’sseatwiththelightheadedfeelingofhavingmadehistory,andnotagoodchapter.She’dknownthisdaywascomingnowforalongtime,butitwasnolessweird.Liketheshockofadeathafteraprotractedillness.Itwasslow,butfastattheend.
LikeErnestHemingwaysaidofgoingbankrupt,intwoways:gradually,thensuddenly.
Onadrivebackinbiblicallytorrentialrain,Roisinaskedherselfhowshe’dtravelledfromthegirllaughinglyshruggingoffthesuggestionofinfidelitytothatcounsellormonthsbefore,totheonecovertlyresearchingherpartner.PerhapsMeredithwasright;thedecisiontoendwassufficientlymomentousthatshewantedobjectiveproofthatsheshould.
Shepushedherselftofindthedeeperanswerasshesat,engineidlingintheearlyeveningtraffic,quiettearsrunningdownherfaceasthewindscreenwipershypnotically,mechanicallyswipe-swiped.WhatwasitaboutHunterthathadchangedeverything?Apartfromthemerefactitinvolvedsexandbetrayal?
ItwasbecausebywatchingJoe’sonscreenalterego,she’dbecomeseizedbythecertaintythatthereweredifferentversionsofhim,andshe’dbeenlivingwithonlyoneofthem.52
Roisindidn’ttellLorrainewhathadhappenedinthedaysfollowing,nordidshereceiveanythingfromJoe’sparentsorfriendstodemonstratethathehad.RoisinfeltsurethatFaywould’vecalledherwithinanhour.
Joehadonebrother,Grant,whowasperma-single:FayhadalwaystreatedRoisinashersubstitutedaughter.
WhenshecheckedsomethingontheiPad,shesawHunterepisodetwostillthere,minutestotheend,lastinstalmentunwatched.Itwaspatheticallyhilarious,howlittleshetrustedherselftoviewit.Knowingshe’doverreactedonce,andpredictingshemightagain,hadstillnotcreatedenoughself-awarenesstostopithappening.Shehadbeclownedherself.
Also,hermotherwasinenoughofatizzywiththeforthcomingfête.Roisindidn’tmuchfancybroachinghersinglehoodfromherhigh-achievingboyfriendwhileanxietyaboutsocialstatusalreadyranhigh.
Lorrainewould,asever,putherownfeelingsfirstinherreaction.WhataboutRoisinbeingontheshelfatthirty-two,whatifshedidn’tmeetanyoneasgoodasJoe,whataboutgrandchildren,and,ohno,GraceandImogenwouldcrow!(Ifthatsortofconsiderationwasraised,Roisincouldn’tbesureshe’dkeephertemper.)Roisinwouldfindherselfreassuringhermother.
Sheneededherhearttohealalittlebeforesheexposedherselftoallthatnoise.ShedidtellMeredithandGina,wonderingiftheyweretiringoftheonelegin,onelegouthokey-cokeyofthisseparation,andexplainingtheywerecurrentlytheonlyonesinformed.
Meredith
Sosorry.It’ssad,butitclearlyneededdoingandyou’vedoneitnow.Youcan’tstaywithsomeonejustcosyoumightgototheOscars.Xx
Gina
Absolutely,thoughIprobablywould.Hopeyouarebothok.ShouldwemessageJoe?Xx
Roisin
YesI’msurehe’dappreciatethatxx
ItwasprobablyforthebestforJoetoknowshe’dsharedthenews.CouldshedelegatehisbreakingittoDevandAnita?Thatwastheonesheresistedthemost.He’dhadnopreparation,makingitalongerconversationthatRoisindidn’tanticipatewithpleasure.ShewasannouncingtheeffectiveendoftheBriansformattothepersonwhoheldtheBriansdearest.
Roisinthengotaone-to-onecommuniquefromMeredith,whichputtellingDevontemporaryhold.
IbringgladtidingsofAnita’suterus.Herstomachbugwasn’tmorningsickness,buttheprospectspookedherenoughtodoatest.Inthetimeittooktoturnnegative,sherealisedsheabsolutelydidn’twanttobebreakingthesurprisenewstoDevandherfamilythismanymonthsoutfromawedding.She’sbackonthepillandsheandDevhavescrappedItaly.NowordonMiami,buthopefullyyourtactfulinterventionhascauseddeeperthoughtthere.They’vegoneonabreaktoSóllertothrashoutthedetails.
ALSO,havingfinallybanishedthespectreofMcKenzie,Gina’sgoingonadatewithafellainherofficecalledAaron.She’dmentionedhimalotinthelastyear&I’dwonderedifanythingcouldhappenthere,andIthinknowitfinallycan.
So,cornersbeingturned,tidesturning,leavesturning.Iamstillgettingabsolutelynone,mindyou.HopeMattshapedupwellasanemployee.Imisshim.HopefullyonedayGinawillfindherselfindifferenttohisWASPyeroticpowerandwecanhavehimback.<3Mxx
MattreappearedinTheMallorybeforeopening,lateSaturdaymorning,lookingsogoodinanblueOxfordshirtthatGinawouldlikelynothavebeenindifferenttohisWASPyeroticpower,hadsheseenhim.Hewascarryingacoupleofboxes.
‘Whathappenedwithwork?!’Roisinasked.
‘Oh,’hesaid,lookingoddlygratifiedsheremembered.‘It’squiteabizarrereversaloffortune.FormerCEOfoundouthissonsackedme.Wentbananas.Hasreinstatedme,sayingIcankeepmygardeningleaveasabonusandtaketherestofAugustoff.I’dhavesaidno,becausewhowantstobewherethey’renotwelcome,right?Butthesonpersuadedmehe’dcometoseeithisdad’sway.IthinkithelpedthattherestaurantchainIhadbroughtonboardkeptaskingwhereIwas.’
‘That’sincredible!Welldone.’
‘Itisabit.Givenyourmum’sinsistedonpayingme,I’mgoingtogivemywagestoaworthycharity.TheworthycharityoftheWebberleyfête.I’mrunningabarinthegarden,stockedwithsomewholesaleI’veordered,thatshouldbearriving’–hecheckedhiswatch–‘inanhour,ifyou’reOKtosignforit?’
‘Yes,ofcourse.Matt,thisisSupermanstuff.What’sinyourboxes?’
‘Fripperies,’Mattsaid.‘We’regoingtomakethebeergardenamagicgrotto.Thesewillformastarlightcanopy.Ifthenecessaryironpolesgetherelatertoday,thatis.’
Hesettheboxesdownandpulledoutreamsoffestoonlights,Edisonbulbsonablackwire.
‘Ooh,nice.’
‘That’snotall,younglady,’Mattsaid.‘Ihadthesemade.’
Heunshoulderedandunzippedhisdufflebag,producingastackofleaflets.TheyadvertisedTheMallory’sfêteefforts:BBQ,gardencocktailsandgames.
‘Haha!DidLorrainesignallthisoff?’
‘Ohyes.“Knockyourselfout,itcan’tgoanybloodyworse,”wasthedirectquote.’
RoisinlaughedandthoughtwhathowtransformativeMattwastothisplace.HisenthusiasmforTheMalloryhadgonesomewaytodetoxifyingit,forher.Heturnedtheflyerover.
GuessMeatball’sWeight!wasprintednexttoaphotoofthescowling,portlycat.
‘Luckyfindonmycameraroll,’Mattsaid,tappinghisnose.‘Decidedtogoforit.’
‘WhatifMeatballdoesn’tturnup?’
‘Iknowcelebritiescanbetemperamental,butIsuspectthesmellofsausagefathittingsizzlingcharcoalbriquetteswilllureWebberley’sgreatestnetworkerouttominglewithhisconstituents.’
Roisinwasproperlylaughingnow.‘Listeningtotheconcernsofordinarypeople,nickingtheirchips.’
‘Exactly.I’mofftogladhandthehighstreet,ifyou’realrighttoholdthefort?’
‘Yep.’Shebeamed.‘Goodluck.’
Lorraineappearedfromthebackofthebar,lookingharassed.
‘WasthatMatt?’
‘Yeah.Seenthis?’Roisinheldouttheflyer.
Lorraineinspectedit,herexpressionsofteningwithdelightinawaythatRoisinhadrarely,ifever,witnessed.
‘He’sasweetie,isn’the?Suchashameforwomanhoodthathe’sgay.’
‘What?Matt’snotgay.’
Lorraine’smouthfellopen.‘He’stoobeautifultobestraight,surely?Whatabouthisclothes?!’
Roisinstartedlaughing.
‘He’sgotthatniceKelly-greenjacket!He’sNOTGAY?OhmyGod.Rosie,keepImogenawayfromhim.AndGrace!She’shadajawlinerejuvenationattheHarleyandheraudacityisatanall-timehigh.’
Roisin’slaughterbecamehelpless.
LorraineturnedtheleafletoverandsawMeatball.‘Hmph,slylittlefucker.Still,ratherhimthanme.I’vepackedonsixpoundseatingJaffaCakeswiththestressofallthis.’
Roisinrolledhereyesasshegothermirthundercontrol.Suchintermittentandunnecessaryself-flagellationwassadlyahallmarkofLorraine’srelationshipwithherbody.
‘Don’tstartwithyourdietsdon’tworkspiel,’Lorraineadded.‘Ifdietsdon’twork,howcomeeveryone’sgottenthinnerwhenthey’rerescuedaftershipwrecks.’
Infalliblelogic,andacaseRoisinhadheardmanytimes,despitehermotherneverbeinginpossessionoftheBMIofanysurvivorsofnauticaldisasters.53
‘You’vesaidthebarbecuewillhavevegetarianoptions?’Lorrainesaid,afistpressingintoonenicelytailoredcreamwoollenhip,theotherhandgraspingMatt’sflyer.Saywhatyoulikeaboutmymum,Roisinthought,shecanseriouslywearapencilskirt.Herdry-cleaningbillsmustbeeye-watering.‘You’renotleavingTerenceinchargeofthatbit,areyou?’
‘Nope.It’sgoingtobeajoblotofcorncobsandmeat-freehotdogs,’Mattsaid.‘I’veassignedRoisintothatstand.I’mcocktails.Terryismeat.You’refrontofhouse.’
‘Thankgoodness!IwoulddescribeTerence’sideaofvegetarianfoodasmacabre,’Lorrainesaid.‘Heoncetriedtofeedthemdiscsofprocessedburgercheesewithasliceofbeeftomatopressedintoit,slippedintoapittapocket.’
‘Oof.That’sprobablyhowtheBTKKillergotstarted.Sentthemtotauntthedetective,’Mattsaid,andRoisinspatsomeofherpost-closingtimeG&T.
TheirrewardforadayoffêteprepandbarservicewasatakeawayfromtheGoldenDragoninKnutsford,thefoil-liddedcartonsnowcoveringthelargesttablebythewindowinthesaloonbar.
‘You’vedonethisbecauseyouknowI’monadiet,haven’tyou?’Lorrainesaid,beforeplacingtwospringrollsonasaucer,andafteramoment’sreflection,athird.
‘There’splentyspare,Mum,havewhatyouwant,’Roisinsaid.
‘Howdareyou!’Lorrainesaid.‘I’llhavesomeofthatchickenandabitofeggfriedrice,leaveyoutwokidstoit.Seeyoutomorrow.’
‘Night,Lozza!’Mattsaid,makingawho,me?gesturewhenRoisindidanexaggerateddouble-take.
OnceLozzahadsafelyascendedthestairsbeyondthebar,RoisintoldMattaboutthesecondepisodeofHunterandherfailedinterrogationofJoe.Shestressedshe’dsaidshealonehadbeentoSesso.
‘Beingfair,’Mattsaid,diggingaforkintocrispybeef,‘I’dhavedrawnthesameconclusionsthatyoudid.Joe’screatedalotofdramaaroundhisdramabyshuttingyououtofhiscreativeprocess,huh.You’renotsomeonewho’dloseitifhe’dsimplysaid,hihoneyI’mhome,gotmyscarf,hadacraftycigarettewiththewaitress,mightmakeaplotline,offforashower.’
‘That’strue.’Thatwasverytrue.Joehadstartedfetishingunnecessarysecrecy.Nevertheless,Roisinhadn’tputherselfinagreatpositiontomakethatcase.‘…ButI’mresigningwithimmediateeffectfromtheprying,’Roisinsaid.‘Itwasaprettyawfulpreludeto“Iamdefinitelysurewe’reover,bye.”’
‘Really?’Mattsaid.HegaveheradirectlookandRoisinwasgrievedtoreaddisbeliefwithinit.Sheclearlyhadn’tcomeacrossasverydecisive.
‘Yes.Don’ttellmymumyet.ButIneedtodosomethingtoproveit,clearly.Somethinghighlydistasteful,thatinvolvescollectingmytightsfromahedgerow.’
‘Speakingofwhich,Ihaveanactualsocialeventinaweek’stime.There’sasoftlaunchofasisterbartoaplaceIsupply,newoneisinAncoats.Thefrontofhouseinvitedme,andIthought,ack,whynot.Sheseemsnice.’
‘She.Ohaye.Inthesamewayyousaidtoanunknownlady,joinmeinLisbononaworktrip?Whynot!’Roisinmadeathumbs-up.
‘Fuckyouuuuu,’Mattsaid,tippingbeerbottletolips.
‘Imagine,ifyoucopoffwithanyonenextweek,thelastpersoninyourbedwasAmeliaLee.Don’ttellherthatuntilafterwards–it’sterrifying.Alsomightmakeyousoundlikeadangerousfantasist.’
‘Ididn’tsleepwithAmelia,’Mattsaid,snappingapieceofprawntoastinhalfandbitingitwithgoodteeth.‘Orevenkissher,cometothinkofit.’
‘What?YouwenttoPortugalwithher?ThentoLondoninthemiddleofthenight?’
‘Thewholethingwaslikeachaste,extendedauditionfortheroleofCivilianBoyfriend,andIdidn’tpassit.Idon’tthinksheeverhadaseriousintentionofgettinginvolvedwithanormal.ShewaslikeagiantessplayingwithaboxofLego.’
‘Oh.’
‘Beingfair,Ithinkshewasalsoawareofthebraggingrightsattachedtobeddingher,andthatmadeherveryfussyandcarefultoo.’
Roisinpondered:JoehadalwayssaidMattwasadissoluterogue,yetifso,wherewerehisvictims?Noneofhiscapersseemedtohavevictims,onlylivelyandwillingparticipants.
Roisinspearedapieceofgreenpepper.‘Haveyoueverhadaseriousgirlfriend?I’veonlyknownyoubeinga…er,rovingbachelor.’
‘Translation:haveIalwaysbeenthisemotionallyfrigiddogboy?’
‘DOGBOY!Hahahahaha.No,IsupposeImeant–haveyoueverbeeninlove?’
‘Yeah,Iwas,once.Well,stillam.Thatanyhopeofherwaslostalongtimeagodoesn’tstopmebeinginlove.OhGod.Whatatwat.ThatsoundslikeaJohnMayerlyric.’
‘Whathappened?’
Mattbrushedprawntoastdustfromhishands.‘IconfidedhowIfeltabouthertoafriend,whoIthoughtIcouldtrust.Hewasn’tevensingle,soIdidn’tthinkhewasanythreat.Heimmediatelymadeamoveonherandthey’vebeentogethereversince.Theyemigratedtotheothersideoftheworldacoupleofyearsago;I’vehiddenheronsocialmediatoavoidtheinevitablebabyannouncement.I’vecometotermswithmyloss,insomerespects.That’stheonethingIcan’tface.Scrollscrollyourauntie’sangryaboutarudecashierinASDA,scrollscrollfunnyraccoons,scrollscrolltheloveofyourlifeisWITHHISCHILD.’Mattmadea‘brrr’face.
ThiswasaneeriemirrorofGina’sprocesseswithMatt,andyetRoisinwasn’tgoingtobreakherconfidencebytellinghimthis.
‘Ohno,’Roisinsaid.‘Noonesincemeasuresup?’
‘I’veneveragainhadthatsimple,completeandoverwhelmingcertaintythatsomeonewastheoneforme,no.Though,beingfair,Idon’tknowhowmuchchanceI’vegivenanyoneelse.’
Oof.Onceagain,heandGinaperfectlyunderstoodeachother.Dividedbyacommonlanguage.
‘Sometimes,indating,IfeellikeIacetheinterviewbecauseIdon’treallywantthejob,’Mattsaid.‘DoesthatsoundREALLYbig-headed?’
‘Lol,yesitdoes,’Roisinsaid.‘Doyouthinkthiswomanwouldhavegoneoutwithyou,ifyou’daskedintime?’
Mattshrugged.‘No,probablynot.Myromantic“gazumping”isanego-savingmyth.Itwasn’tfirstcome,firstserved.IthinkIwasinvisibletoher.’
‘It’shardtoimagineyoubeinginvisible,’Roisinsaid,addingatacticalgurn,tomakeitclearshewasn’tbutteringhismuffin.
‘Dependswhatyou’relookingfor,’Mattsaid,mildly.54
‘Whatareyouwearing?Forthefête?’LorraineaskedRoisin.
Roisin,bywayofanswerwhenshewaseatingapieceoftoastandreadingthemorningpapers,simplyliftedherleginblackpolka-dottights,inthestyleofadogcockingitoverundergrowth.
‘OhNO!Rosie!That’srankmadness!Youlooklikeoneoftheteenagerswhodrinkscrumpybythepostoffice.’
MattbarkedwithlaughterandRoisinflickedtheVsathim.
‘Youmustwearadress!’
‘Thisisadress,’Roisinsaid,motioningtowardshercordpinafore.
‘It’slikeaschooluniformdressIt’sasturdybag.Borrowoneofmine,’Lorrainesaid.
‘Ugh,no!It’sacharityfete,notStrictlyComeDancing,’Roisinsaid,thesortofidleparent-baitingthatqualifiedasaleisureactivity.
‘Charming,’Lorrainesaid,asifshe’dnotcriticisedRoisin’sclothing.
Sincebeinghome,Roisinhadunintentionallysartoriallyrevertedtoherearlytwenties:stretchydarkcottondresseswithspaghettistraps,sturdylace-upboots,flannelshirtsthrownoverthetop.Hairup,inabundle.Grungey,inessence.Shewasstillwearingplentyofmake-up,soshedidn’tthinkhermotherhadmuchtocomplainabout.
Lorraine’sstrenuouseffortstomaintainherglamourandbeautyweretobeadmired,yetRoisinwonderedifhermotherwouldeverallowherselftobeold,oneday.Ifsheevenwantedto.Whethertherewasanofframp,inthebusinessofbeingpleasingtothemalegaze.
Forherfortiethbirthday,Lorraineworeabottle-greenfishtailvelvetgownwithraspberrytulletrim,explodinginawaterfallatmid-calfheight,whichwassotightshehadtobefastenedintoitwithagluegun.She’dsangTheSupremes’‘BabyLove’downamicrophonetoRoisin’sfatherinapackedroomatTheStanneylandsinWilmslow.Herparentsstillhadstatus,thegoodsort,atthetime.TeenageRoisinhadbeentwopartsmortificationtoonepartawe.
‘I’llbechanging,tobeclear,’Mattsaid,bythedoorinat-shirtandshorts,offforhismorningrunroundthevillage.Webberleywasnotblessedwithagym.
‘You’lllookfine,’Lorrainesaid.
‘Oh,indeed.Maleprivilege,’Roisinsaid.
AfterMatthadleft,Lorrainesaid,‘Spoketoyourbrotherlastnight.’
‘Ah,right.’TherewasanevidentandtothisstatementthatRoisinignored.
‘ItoldhimyouandMattwerehelpingmeout.’
‘OK.’
‘Ryansaidtobe…cautious.He’sworriedincaseMattgetshisfeetunderthetableandsuggeststakingoveraportionofthepub.Itoldhimnottoworry,but…’
‘Whatdoyoumean?Takeoverhow?’
‘Asin,suggestsco-ownershipwithme.Legally.’
‘What?!’Roisinsaid,outraged.Oldfuriescamerushingin,likeopeningasubmergedcarwindowunderwater.‘Areyouondrugs?Matt’sdoingyouahugefavourbyworkingforpeanuts–he’snotafteranything!’
‘Calmdown!YouknowRyan–he’salongwayaway,andhe’sbeingovercautious.’
‘He’saselfishshit,worryingabouthisinheritanceandwrappingitupinconcernforyou,morelike.’
‘Youalwaysleaptotheworstpossibleconclusion.’
‘Sorry,whatisthegoodconclusionin,“PerhapsRoisin’sfriendisconnivingtodefraudyou”?’
‘HewasmerelyaskingwhetherMatthadlonger-termintentionsregardingTheMall!’
‘Whyonearthwouldanyoneseethisbangaverageplaceandthink“hoh,agoldmine”?It’sbeenamillstoneroundyourneckforyears.’Roisinwasbeinginsultinganddidn’tcare.
‘Yes,butRyandoesn’tknowMattanddoesn’tknowhowniceheis.HeheardamanwassortingeverythingoutandhewantedtobesureIkeptcontrolofthepub.Hewasprotectingmyinterests.Thatwasall.’
‘Youalwaysdothis.WhateverRyandoes,youturnitintovirtue.IfRyanhadgenuineconcernsaboutMatt,whynotbringthemtome?Youknow,thepersonwhoknowsMattandvouchedforhim?’
‘I’msurehewouldifyouevercalledhim,Roisin!Youdon’texactlymakeyourselfavailabletoyourfamily.’
‘ISTHISNOTAVAILABLE?!’Roisinbellowed,flailingherarmstoindicateherpresenceinfrontofhermother.
‘Honestly,ifI’dknownyou’dflyoffthehandle,I’dnothavesaidanything…’
‘Nogoodturngoesunpunished,eh?Slaggingmyfriendsoffaspotentialthievesisnextlevel.AsifI’dputyouatrisk!Didheevenaddressthatpart?’
Lorrainedidn’tanswer,andwasmakinganIwillhavetosuffermydaughter’sterribletemperasbestIcanlong-sufferingface,armscrossedandeyestoceiling.
‘Also,Matt’sbeengivenhisjobback.He’semployed.Hecouldsimplyenjoyhisbreakbeforehestartsagain;instead,he’sputtinginhourshere.’
‘Knockknock!Bitofpre-matchnerves,isit?Haha!’
Terencelethimselfin,armsfullofcellophanepacketsofcateringpackflouredbaps.
Roisinwastooannoyedtofeelembarrassedandsaid,‘Somethinglikethat.I’llleaveyoutotalkthroughtheplanswithTerry.GivemeashoutwhenMcKenzie,akaTheTalentedMrRipley,wantstostartdecoratingthegardenandstealingfiversfromthetill.’
‘What’supwithher?’sheheardTerrysay,andhermotherrepliedinastage-whisper,‘It’sLadiesDayAtAscotonthecalendartoday,ifyouknowwhatImean.Payitnoheed.’
Roisinstompedupstairs,layonherbed–unseeingeyesboringintothedrum-shapedlampshade–andboiledonwhathadbeensaid.Sheconsideredfiringoffawhatdidyousaythatfor,please?atRyan,yetdismisseditwithinseconds.Sheknewexactlywhatshe’dgetback:abloodless,curtdismissal.Isimplywasn’tclearwhathisinterestinTheMallorymightbefollowedbyahowareyou?whichwasn’tahowareyouasmuchasitwasathat’sasmuchtimeasI’mgivingyourtantrum
Fallings-outweren’tbestconductedonencryptedmessagingplatforms,acrossoceans,anyway.
Thingwas,itwasn’tRyanshewasangrywith,notreally.Yes,hecouldbeanarsehole,butsheknewthat.A3,500-miles-awayarsehole.
Itwashermothershewasmadat.Matt’snaturalbrightnessandLorraine’scurrentrelianceontheirhelphadmadeherforgetwhatshewasreallylike,whyshegavehermumawideberthmostofthetime.
Lorrainetookwhatsheneeded,thentooksomemore,yetwhenRoisinneededsomegivingback–like,say,hermotherputtingRyanpolitelyinhisplacewhenhewasundermininghissister–LorrainewentAWOL,playacteddumb.Supportwassomethingshesoughtbutneverbestowed.
WhyeventellRoisinthatMatthadbeenmisspoken?BecauseRyanwasalwayshigherinthepeckingorder.EvenasMattandherdaughtersavedherfêteandsavedherface,Lorrainecouldn’tresistsubtlyreassertingthathersonwasCEOofthecompany.Thathiswasthefive-starstandardofcare.Sherewardedwordsandtookactionsforgranted.
Fouryearsafterherdaddied,hermotherwasseeingamanwithterriblemoccasinshoescalledGary,whodroveanuninsuredcarandflirtedwithRoisin.RoisinknewGaryhadverybadwordofmouthamongthewomenfolkofWebberley,andthatsortofgrapevinewasrarelywrong.
Shetriedtogethermothertoseesense.RyantoldLorrainesheshoulddowhatevermadeherhappy.HeresistedRoisin’sentreatiestoraisedoubts,thoughsheknewhehadthem.Ryannevermadeaninterventionthatcouldcosthimpopularityorevenminordifficulty.LorrainebecameengagedtoGary.Shethendiscoveredhewasalreadymarriedandhadapettycriminalrecord.
Bothofheroffspringwereatuniversity,yetRoisinwasrequired–withtheemotionalequivalentofagunathertemple–tomissnearlytwomonthsofhercoursetocomehomeandnursehermotherthroughamini-breakdownandkeepthepubrunning.
Hermother’slegendrecordedthatherrecoverywasmagickedintobeingthedaythatRyanhadscrapedenoughfromhisstudentbudgettosendheranincrediblebouquet.Shestillrepeatedtheemeticmessageonthecardabouthowhismotherwasaqueenwhodeservednothinglessthanaking
MoccasinsGaryhadbeenexpungedfromtherecord,andLorraineinsteadrecalledonlythatRoisinwassomuchofadaddy’sgirl,she’dscaredLorraine’ssuitorsaway.55
RoisinmarchedintoLorraine’sbedroomandthrewopenthewardrobedoorsasifitwasariflecabinet.ThedazzlingrainbowofsilkyfabricsdemonstratedwhereTheMallory’srefurbbudgetwasgoing.Quiteafewthingsstillhadtheircardboardtagsdangling.
Sheselectedablackmetalliceveningdressthatlookedlikeitwasmadeofstripsofpreciousbinliners.Itwasmaxi-lengthandwouldencircleherlegsinawaythatmadeitnotthemostpracticalformobility,butwhatthehell.
Backinherroom,Roisinhadtopullandtugatthezipsomewhat,havingasimilargeneticblueprinttohermotherbutwithamoregenerouschestandhips.Whenitfinallyfastened,itgaveherapleasinghourglassshape:abeguilingmixtureofeverythingcoveredandprovocativeslink.
Roisintiedastripedbutcher’sapronoverthetopandlacedherbootsbackon.Shewasdelightedwithherselfandfeltapubescent-levelroarofrebellion.ShelookedlikeanItGirlheiressatGlastonbury.
Thesensationwasonlyimprovedminuteslaterbysashayinghersparkled-blackshinybottompasthermotheronthefrontbar.
Shegarneredashoutof‘Oohlala!’andafullsetofturnedheadsfromthegrottymencabal.Anda,‘WHATTHE!That’sHervéLégerandit’sNEW!’fromLorraine.
‘HarveyLegsaiditwasfine,’Roisinsaid,blowingherakiss.
Outside,takingupherstand,Roisinhadcompletelytheoppositeproblemtotheoneshefeared.Shewasn’tstandinglikeanelly,clackingherBBQtongslikecastanets:shewasoverrun.
Withinanhourofopening,customerspouredintoTheMallory’sgarden,nowcanopiedwithvintagebulbfairylightsandringedwithwoodenplantersfullofflowers,thankstoMatt’sefforts.ThethrongweredefinitelynotTheMall’susualcrowd:shoalsofgirlswithpeach-colouredandperoxidehair,fairywingsandheart-shapeddeelyboppers.
RoisinguessedMatt’ssmoothtalkingonthehighstreethaddecontaminatedthepub’srepasoneonlyforthestolidoldguard.
Roisin’smeat-freeofferprovedextremelypopularwithavillagethatnowcontainedmanymorevegans,flexitariansandcleaneatersthanitusedto.Althoughcleaneatingdidn’tseemtoprecludeingestingariverofwhiterum.
SheandTerencewereoutofproducewithintwohours.
‘Locusts!’Terencesaid.‘Scenesofunbridledgannetry.’
HehadLorraine’sattitudetopeopleoftheworldeitheracceptingordecliningtospendtheirmoneyatTheMallory:eitherway,itwasanimpertinence.
Mattwasbusiestofall,withhis‘FiveClassicCocktails,EachAFiver’stand,hurriedlyhackinglimestopiecesandchoppingmintwheneverhegotasparemoment.
‘Wantahand?’Roisinsaid,andMatthandedherhisicebucket.‘Refillthatifyouwould,ta.’
Roisinmadeasalute.
Terencewentinsidetohelphermother,soRoisinstayedgardenside,toroamforemptiesandplaysupportingacttoMatt.Ashisplatonicfriend,shewascarefulnottoreflectorswooninanywayathowhelookedwithshirtsleevesrolledup,concentrating,alightsweatonhisbrow.
‘Hiiiiiiiiii,Roisin!’GraceandImogenchimedinunisonastheylighteduponher.
‘Hello!Veryniceofyoutocome.’
‘Ohwe’dnothavemissedit,’Gracesaid,swoopinginforadoublekiss,Imogenfollowingsuit.‘Notseenyouinanage,Roisin.’
GraceandImogenwerealwayseasyandpleasantcompany,contrarytohermother’sdarkmutterings.RoisinsupposedLorrainehadlongfeltbanishedfromgenteelsocietyandhadmadeGraceandImogenerroneouslyrepresentativeofthatrejection,astheywerealsoasolomotheranddaughterofthesameages.ItwasasifLorraineandRoisinweretheSluttyHalloweenCostumeversionsofthem.
‘Thisplaceisheaving.NeverseenTheMallorysobusy.Lovethelittlespruceyou’vegivenit.Topsprucing,’Imogensaid,preciselythekindofremarkRoisinwasgladhermotherwasn’theretobristleat.
Everythingwasaslightifyouweredeterminedtofindone.
DespitebeingonlyRoisin’sage,Imogenwasinapaddedheadband,blazerandloafers.ShewasrathergorgeousinaRalphLaurenPolosortofway.Everythingaboutherwaseitherthecolourofcaramelortheminky-pinkofawornballetdancer’sshoe.Hermotherhadthehighlighted,layeredhairofsomeonewhomadeweeklysalontrips,andanavydresswithacorsageatthewaistandaknife-pleatskirt.ShetwitchedatRoisin’sapronandsaid,‘Istheresomesortofmarvellousgownunderthat?Takeitoff,letussee!’
‘Oh…Iwasprotectingitfromcorncobsplatter…’
Roisinunlacedherapron,pulleditawayandmadealittle‘gameshowhostessgirl’curtsy.
‘Ohmygoodness!Wedon’toftengettoseeyoudolled-up–youlooklikearealvamp!’Gracesaid,approvingly,asRoisinstoodslightlysheepishlyinherrobbedfinery.
‘Lovethosebody-conbandagedresses,’Imogenagreed.‘Peoplesaidtheywereoftheirtime,butthey’reaclassicnow.You’veabsolutelygotthecurvesforit.I’dlooklikeaplasticsafety-wrappedsuitcase.’
RoisinlaughedandfeltrelievedthatLorrainewasn’theretofumeatanyofthat.
‘Thatguyoverthere.Heworkshere?’Imogensaid,lookingoveratMatt.
‘Oh,Matt’smyfriend,’Roisinsaid.‘Helpingout.’
DespiteLorraine’sterrorsoftheirpredatorynaturearoundthemenfolk,she’dnotactuallyexpectedthistocometopass.
‘He’sfrightfullygood-looking,isn’the?’Imogensaid.
‘Oh,ifIwastwentyyearsyounger!’Gracesaid.‘IdomyKegels.ImmogotaGwynethJadeEgg!’
‘Mum!’Imogenbarked.‘How’sJoe?’
ShewasstilllookingatMatt,andRoisincaughttheimplicationeasyenough.
‘Fine!’shesaidbrightly.
‘WelooooooovedSEEN,’Gracesaid.‘ImmoandIweregluedtoit,weren’twe?Weneverguessedthecourierhadcosmeticsurgery!Verycleverchap,yourman.AnychanceofmakingyourmotherthehappiestwomaninCheshireanddoingabitofDUMDUMDEDUM,DUMDUMDEDUM…’Graceglancedaround–‘Lookatthespacehere!’–andwinked.
‘I’mnotreadytogetmarriedyet,Grace.I’venotsownenoughwildoats,’Roisinsaid,assheknewGracedid‘bawdy’.
‘Oh!Heavensabove!’sheshrieked.
‘ShethinksI’mjoking,’RoisinsaidtoImogen,whoalsoscreeched.
‘Youarethefunniest,Sheena,’Imogensaid.‘IalwayssaythattoMum.’
GraceandImogenwereexactlythekindofpeopletoproduceanicknameforyououtofnowhereandapplyitliberally.
Theymovedontocirculate,andhalfanhourlater,RoisinglancedoverandsawImogenalmostbentdoublewithlaughteratsomethingMatthadsaid.Shestraightenedup,putthebackofherhandtohermouthandtheotheronthesmallofhisback,andRoisinfeltasharpstabofanunexpected,unnamedemotion.
ShelookedatMatt,andhesawher.Hiseyestravelleddowntoherdress,andsuddenlyitfelttwosizestighterandconsiderablymorerevealingthanithaddonebefore.
Terencetappedherontheshoulder.‘Haveyouseenthatfatcat?I’mduetoclockoffbutsomeAmericantouristswantaphotowithit.Theyseemtothinkit’sacelebrity,Godhelpus.HasElvisleftthebuilding?He’sacandidatefordyinginthesameway,that’sforsure.’
‘MeatballwasunderthatpicnictablelastIsaw,’Roisinsaid,pointing.‘Wantmetoretrievehim?’
‘Muchobliged.’
Terencelikedcatsevenlessthanhermum.
ImogengrabbedRoisinasshepassedheronthewayintothepub,halfwaythroughhermission.
‘Headingoffnow–wonderfulday,thankyou!WeMUSTgoforsomebubblesbackinManchestersoon,givemesomedates.’Then,leaningin,shesaid,‘CanyoudomeafavourandforwardyourpalMatt’snumber?He’scuteashell,isn’the?’
‘Hah,sure,’Roisinsmiled,overMeatball’sbulk,knowingfullwellthatImogenonlyspontaneouslycravedProseccoswithraspberriesinordertopumpherforinformationaboutMcKenzie.
‘Thankyou!’Imogensaid,makingaheartshapewithherhands,fingertipspressedtogether,whichalmostmadeRoisinchangehermind.56
Asdarknessfell,shewenttofindMatt.
‘OK,wasn’tit?’hesaidtoher,armsfolded,surveyingthethinninghordeswithsatisfaction.‘Wemadeametrictonforthecharity,waybeyondthetarget,andyourmumiscallinghertakingsa‘goldrush’.That’sgoodfêteing.’
Roisinslungherarmaroundhiswaist.‘OK?Utterlyamazing.Lookwhatyoudid.Youareaprinceamongmen.Youhaveshiftedtheparadigm.’
WhetherLorrainemaintainedthemomentumMatthadfoundwasyettobeseen,buthe’dforeverprovenitcouldbedone.He’dliftedasixteen-year-oldcurse.
‘Gladtohavehelped,’Mattsaid.‘It’sgivenmeaninnerglow.’
‘Hopethat’snotTerry’sburgerrelish.IsawDelMontefruitcocktailgoingintoit.’
SheandMattlaughedlikeBeavisandButthead.Roisinsawasixty-somethingwomanseatedatapicnictableshootthembothanadoringlook,obviouslytakingthemforacouple.
Roisinbeamedback.Mattsawthewomantoo,andglancedappraisinglyatRoisin
Inasplitsecond,shebecameacutelyself-conscious.Herarm,chuckedaroundMatt’smiddle,demonstratinghoweasyshewaswithhim,wassuddenlyheavyaslead.Shecouldsenseeveryinchofherlimbmakingcontactwithhismidriff,feeltheheatofhisskinthroughhisshirt.Whathadbeensothoughtlesslydonewaschargedwithelectricity.
Washerarmevenpositionednormally?Roisincouldn’ttell.Shewasasstiff-jointedasashopmannequin.Someoneelsehadcrankedherelbowhinge,curledherfingers,andshecouldonlymaintainthepose.
Mattputhishandoverhersandmovedherarmdowntoherside,andherbreathingstopped.AclearindicationthatRoisinhadoverstepped,andthathefeltawkwardtoo.But…hedidn’tletgoofherhand?Theystoodlookingoutoverthegarden,theirpalmsclaspedtogether.
Inalittleinvisiblegameofraisingthestakes,Roisinadjustedherhandinsidehisgrip,interlockingtheirfingers.Mattrespondedbysqueezingherhand.Shesqueezedback.Whatwasgoingon?Shefeltincredibletensioninpartsofherbodythatwerenotherhand.
Lorraineburstintothegarden,ringingthebellforlastorderslikeatowncrier,andsheandMattsprangapartlikefoxeswho’dhadwaterthrownoverthem
Roisinobsessedaboutthesurreptitioushandholding,andwhatitmeant,fortherestoftheshift.Probablynothing;shewasoutofpracticeatcourtingrituals.
InthisburgeoningattractiontoMatthewMcKenzie,wasshetheworld’sbiggesthypocrite?She’dtriedinvaintogetachargetostickwithJoe,andyet,‘heavyflirtingwithoneofourbestmates,aNewYorkminuteafterwesplitup’,washardlyacceptable.
Joedidn’tneedtoknow.He’dneverknow.NordidMatt,forthatmatter.Ornotexplicitly.
‘Kids,I’mgoingtoturnin,I’mbeat,’Lorrainesaid,onceallchoreswerefinished,towelsthrownoverbeertaps,driptraysup-ended.
‘Youdolooktired,’Roisinsaid,then,incaseitsoundedlikeadig,added,‘Verywell-earnedexhaustion,too.Whatafête!Meatballwasastarturn!’
‘Don’tpandertothatgrotesquebeast.You’relikeNevilleChamberlainwithHitler.Thankyou,bothofyou.I’vehadcomplimentsabouthowoureffortswerethebestofthevillageallday.’
‘Pleasure,’Mattsaidkindlyassheleftthem.
Roisinsensedhermothermight’vebeenchastenedbyRoisin’soutburstoverRyan,andthatwasnobadthing.
‘Rightthen,RoisinWalters,’Mattsaid,pickinguptwoglassesupsidedownbytheirstemsandsettingthemdownonthebartop.‘Manhattan?’
‘Hell,yeah,’shesaid,gettingashiverattheprospectoftheirbeingalonetogether.57
Roisinwasexperiencingasurgeofpleasuresuchasshe’dnotknowninalongwhile.She’dwarmedtoTheMallory:nolongerwasitaprisonwithfrillypelmets.ShesawitasMattdid;itenvelopedherinsteadofoppressingher.Theglowofsconcelightsontheredwalls,thedarkwood,theleatherstud-backboothsandtartanstools,therumbleofthedishwashers:soothing.Aswasthevelvetquietofthecountrysidebeyondthewindows.
She’dalwaysfoundthenoiseofthecityrelativelycomfortingandthesilenceofthecountrysidespooky.Timeswerechanging.
TheManhattanwashelping.
‘IbelieveIhavetopassyourphonenumberontoImogen,’Roisinsaid.‘Tirelesswork.’
‘WhichonewasImogenagain?Didshehavetheheadthing,thatroyalchildrenwear?’
‘Whichone–phew.ThoughtodayofalldaysIcan’tcomplainaboutyourallure.I’msogratefultoyouactingasalighthousetotoday’smermaids.’
‘Don’tsaythat,thanks.’Mattfrowned.
‘Whynot?’
‘It’snotcomplimentary.’
‘Howcouldthatnotbecomplimentary?’Roisinsaid,puzzled.
‘Whenitmeansapuddle-deeppeacockofaman,sluttingabout.Sneakydenigration.YousoundlikeJoe.’
‘Ouch,’Roisinsaid,thoughhewasright.Itwasadmirationwrappedinneedlessmockery.
Shethoughtonit.IfMattwasintimidatingtoJoeoranyoneelse,itwasthroughnointentionofhisown.Beingprettyandsmartwassimplywhathewas.Easingtheirdiscomfortaboutthisoverachievementwithridiculewasapricehewasexpectedtopay,likeatollboothhehadtopass.Shecouldseewhy,sometimes,helostpatiencewithit.
‘Isupposeifyou’retoldyou’rehotoftenenough,itlosesitslustre,’shesaid,tongueinsideofcheek,decidingtosteertheshiptocalmerwaters.
‘SonowI’mconceited?’
‘No!Ihonestlyneverthoughtbeingcalledfitinsultedanyone.’
‘That’snotwhatyousaid,andyouknowit.YoumeantI’maletch,whoexploitedittodaytogeneraleconomicadvantage.Beingasuccessfulletchisstillaletch.’
‘Alright,Iapologiseforanysuggestionyouareattractivetowomen.Iwithdrawmywhollyunfoundedanddefamatoryaccusation.Satisfied?’
Theybothlaughed.
‘Matt.We’llbothfeelnauseousifItrysincerity,butIwasn’trunningyoureffortsdown,’Roisinsaid.‘Thewayyou’vesortedthisplaceouthasblownmeaway,tobehonest.’
Hesmiledwarmly.Thejukeboxhadstruckup‘SlavetoLove’
‘Another?’Hestoodup.
‘Yes,please.Bloodyhell,IneedtotellMumtopayfortheupgrade,don’tI?ThisthingloopstheEightiesandNineties.It’slikealate-nightminicab.’
‘Someofuslikefamiliarity!You’resuchagrinch,’Mattsaid.Onehandoutstretchedforherhand,hemouthed,TellherI’llbewaiting…
Withagroanandfeignedreluctance,Roisinacceptedtheinvitation,putherhandinhis.ShegottoherfeetandletMattwaltzheraroundtheloungebar.
Sherestedherheadonhischest.Afterthehandholding,shewasn’tsureifthiswaswise,butitfelttoogoodtostop.Suchclosecontactwasastrangemixtureoffireworksandsecurity.Thatwasit–thatwaswhatRoisinhadnoticedduringthehandholding.Itwascompletelynatural,andyetwildlyexoticatthesametime.Exhilaratinglynewandalreadyfamiliar.Hewasasafeplace,fullofdanger.
Shetoyedwithherownfeelings,imagininghowitwouldfeeliftheycrossedlines.Ifthey…belongedtooneanother.
Imagineifthiswasreal.
Mattwascompletelyoutofherpricerange,surely?Orshewasslummingit,forhim.
WhenRoisinglancedup,tohersurprise,Mattwaslookingdownatherwithanintenseseriousness.She’dalmostcallitpained.Itwasutterlyunlikehim.SherealisedtheyhadbeencatapultedintoAMomentBeforeAnotherMoment–thiscouldn’tbeplayedoffashorsingaroundwhenthey’dgazedateachotherwithsuchobviousintensity.
Whatdidshedo,orsay,next?Theanswerwassimple,andRoisincouldn’tbelievesheactedonit:sheleanedupandkissedhim.
Theirmouthsconnectedandherheartlurched.Shewantedthis,andwantedhim,andasmuchasitwasahugesurprise,therewasnopointdenyingit.Thekisswastentative;shefeltMattwasrespondinginshockasmuchasanything.Buthedidrespond.Timestoodstill.
HerfeelingsforMatthewMcKenziehadarrivedintwoways:gradually,thensuddenly.Slow,butfastattheend.
‘Wait,’Mattsaid,pullingback,frowning.‘Ifyou’retryingtoupsetJoe,Ican’tdenyI’mthekillerchoice.ButIdon’twanttobeanuke.’
Hegaveherthattroubledlookagain.Shefeltshewasseeingasideofhimhealwayskepthidden.Itwasslightlydisorientating.
‘Oh,OK,’Roisinsaid,flusteredandflushed,unsurewhatshewassupposedtosay.She’dnotexpectedtokisshim.
‘Theetiquetteistoatleastvaguelytrytodenythat’swhatyouweredoing,though!’Mattsaid,nowsoundingbothamusedandoffended.NormalMatthadreturned.Butwhilehistoneofvoicewassteady,hewasflushed,too.Shehadaffectedhim.
‘Idodenyit,’Roisinsaid.‘Completely.I’dnevertellJoe.’
TellJoewhat,exactly?
‘Idon’tthinkyouneedtotellhimforittoberevenge,’Mattsaidquietly.
Thejukeboxdecidedtobeasilentwanker,clickingthroughtothenexttrackwithagonisingsluggishness.ItleftthemstoodinanunbearablesilenceuntilSimpleMinds’‘AliveAndKicking’cameon.Itwasn’thelpfultohaveYOUTURNMEONboomout,either,ifRoisinwashonest.
‘Ijust…’Shejustwhat?WasexperiencinganoverwhelmingcarnalpulltowardsMatt,anditfeltlikeherheartwasalongfortheride?Howthehelldidyousaythat,outoftheblue,aftertenyears?‘Itfeltrightinthemoment,’shefinishedlamely.
‘Nothingtodowiththat“distasteful”thingyouneededtodo,toproveyouandJoewereover?’
Roisin’sjawdropped.‘OhGod!Thatwasn’t…thisisn’tthat…’
Nevertheless,shesawMatt’spoint.
‘Hmmm.OK.Nooffence,butIdon’twanttobeasourceofregrettoyou,’Mattsaid.‘Idon’twantmybodytobetheequivalentoftheemptybottleofappleschnapps.’
‘You’dneverbethat,’shesaid,withfeeling.Howcouldheeverimaginehimselfasdisposable?
SimpleMindsechoedthroughthedimlylitroom,asunsaidthingswhirledaroundthem.
‘Uhm,I’mgoingtoheaduptobed,’Mattsaideventually.
‘Sure,’Roisinreplied,aconfidentmonosyllablemaskinginternalchaos.‘Night.’
Shewasfranticallyscrabblingtofindthewordstomakethefactshe’dlungedathimnormal,ornothingmuch,orajoke,sotheycouldpatchthisup,andcompletelyfailing.
OnceMattwasoutofsight,shesmoothedherhandsdownhersausageskin-tightdressandthought,well.Yousurepluckeddefeatfromthejawsofvictorythere,Walters.Fuck
Sheputapalmoverherface.Shefeltsixteenyearsold.
AaaaaarghyoutriedtogetoffwithMattandheblewyouout!Aaaaaargh!Thisisthemostembarrassingthingtohappen,like,ever.
DidheeventhinktheJoerevengething,orwasitanimblewayofnothavingtobemauledbyher?
RoisingrabbedatriggerbottleofdisinfectantandbeganwipingthetablestoSpandauBallet’s‘True’withanamountofforcethetaskdidn’trequire.Shetriednottothinkabouthowunbearablyawkwardtomorrow’s‘goodmorning’wouldbe.
She’dhavetomumblestuffaboutbeingwasted,andbothofthemwouldknowitwasballs.TheirwholedynamicwasbasedonRoisinbeingawomanimmunetohischarms,andshefearedthatwaspermanentlyshot.Shecringedsoharditwasasifshe’dsprainherstomach.
SheheardanoiseandturnedtoseeMattontheothersideoftheroomagain,lookingather.Beforeshecouldsayanything,hewalkedtowardsher,pulledherintohisarmsandkissedherlikeitwasthelastsceneinamovie.Itwasnothingliketheirhaltingfirstattempt:passionate,deepandpushy,theirhipsclashing.RoisinstillhadDettolinonehandandaJ-clothintheotherbutreciprocatedasbestshecould.Tongues,woah.
‘Whathappenedtoappleschnapps?!’shesaid,whentheycameupforair.
Mattbrushedherhairfromherface,smoothingitbehindherear,andsmiled.‘Ithoughtifitwasaone-off,itneededtobeabettermemorythanthat.’Hepaused.‘SorryifIwasuncool.Ipanicked.’
Thiswasofficiallyaheadwreck:washekissingherthatwelltoshowoff?Didhefancyherornot?Thatkissfeltalotliketheoppositeofnot.
Beforeshecouldbegintoprocessit,Roisinhadathoughtsoviolentlyupsettingshewriggledoutofhisembraceandalmostpushedhimawaywithopenpalms.
‘OhNO,’shesaid.
‘What?’
‘GINA.’
‘…I’mnotinvolvedwithGina?’
‘No,Iknow,butMatt.She’smybestfriend.Oneofmybestfriends.She’dbeutterlyshatteredbyus…’Roisindidn’twanttolookpresumptuous.‘Byus.You’reright–thisabsolutelycannothappen!WhatthehellwasIthinking?Ihatemyselfrightnow.’
‘Ah,thereyougo.There’stheregretyouordered,’Mattsaid,inaveryflatvoice.‘ThatarrivedfasterthanevenIpredicted.Amazing.’
‘Youseetheproblemthough?’Roisinsaid.
‘Yes,Ido.IneverthoughtsomethingIdidn’tdocouldcostmethismuch.YouknowI’venever,evertakenadvantageofthatsituation,right?Nothing’severhappened,norwouldit?’
‘Yes,ofcourse!Ididn’tthinkithad.’
RoisinrealisedthatMattwasdeeplypissedoff,andhehadarighttobe.Comingontosomeoneandthenrememberingyoucouldn’tbecauseyourfriendlikedthemwasfifth-formstuff.
‘I’msorry,’Roisinsaid.‘Reallysorry.’
‘Probablyforthebest,’Mattsaid.Hewalkedoffwithoutsayinggoodnight.
Roisinwasleftinastateofdisarray.58
‘Matt’sgone,hesaidtosaybye,’Lorrainesaid,doingalittleshimmytoGirlsAloud’s‘Can’tSpeakFrench’onthejukeboxasshemulti-taskedswillingdownblackcoffeeandrestockingtheminigingerales.
‘What?Where?’Roisinsaid,herdreadatseeinghimconvertingimmediatelyintopanicthatshewouldn’t.
Hermumnoddedtothefrontofpub.‘There.Look.’
RoisindartedoutthedoorandcaughtupwithMatt,whohadhisduffelbagonhisshoulder.Helooked,withbloodshoteyes,asifhe’dhadasleeplessnight,ormaybeshewasprojectingherown.Healsolookedheartbreakinglygood,andshewishedshecouldstillbeindifferenttothat.
‘Whereareyougoing?’
‘Ah,Iwasgoingtomessageyou.Home.’
‘Forgood?’
‘Yeah.Ithinknowthefête’ssortedandyourmum’ssettingthosenewhireson,it’sagoodtimetogo,’hesaid.‘Plus,gottogobacktomyactualjobsometime.’
‘Notbecause…ofme?’
Hesmiledasad,apologeticsmile.‘Alsobecauseofyou,yes.’
Roisinopenedhermouthandcloseditagain.‘Please,’shesaid,‘don’tgo.We’llgoforawalk,talkaboutthis…’
‘Therereallyisn’tanythingtotalkabout,isthere,’hesaid,politely;astatement,notaquestion.Roisincouldn’targuewiththat,thoughshewasstillgoingtotry.
Shealmostjumpedoutofherskintoseethatwhilethey’dbeentalking,Joehadbeenstandingrightbehindthem.
‘Morning.Hi,guys.Ohdear.HopeI’mnotinterrupting,soundsintense,’hesaid.
‘Whatareyoudoinghere?’Roisinsaid,inbarehorror.
‘Notthewarmestofwelcomes.Takingmynewcaroutforaspin.’Henoddedbackatsomethingsmall,blackandsportyintheotherwisenear-emptyMallorycarpark.‘ForgotyouownedtheFiat,sothoughtI’dsplashout.’
‘I’llleaveyoutwotoit,’Mattsaid,adjustingthebagonhisshoulder.
‘Ohno,Iwanttotalktoyouaswell!’Joesaid,withaperformativevivacitythatsignalledrealmenace.‘Firstofall,Icametogiveyouthisinperson.’
HehandedasmallboxwithalargeredsatinbowtoRoisin.‘It’smykey.Fortheapartment.I’mallmovedout.It’syours.’
‘Thankyou,’Roisinsaid,stiffly,feelingexactlyasuncomfortableasJoehadintended.
‘Secondly,Ididsomegumshoestuffmyself.’HelookedfromMatttoRoisinandbackagain.‘Weshouldsetupalittleagency.Powell,McKenzie&Walters.Gotaringtoit,haha.’
‘IreallythinkIshouldgiveyousomepri—’
‘RememberwhenIaskedyou,straightup,severaltimes,ifyou’dpersonallygonetoSessoandaskedaboutme,andyousaidyouhad?’Joecontinued,cuttingacrossMatttoRoisin.‘Ithoughtthatsoundedreallyunlikely,butyousworeonyourmum’slifethatitwastrue?’
Roisininternallywrithed.
‘Well,guesswhat.ImetupwithRick,too,andhedidn’tknowwhoyouwere.HedidrecallMattMcKenzieherecominginandaskingabunchofquestionsaboutawaitresswhomight’vegotinvolvedwithacustomer.Imaginemysurprise!’
Roisinfoldedherarms.
‘You’renotusuallysuchabare-facedliar,Roisin.Ihavetoassumeyoureallyreallywantedtoprotecthim.Iwonderedwhy?THENtheanswerarrived.Doh!Joe!Theyarehavingregularsexualintercourse.Thewhole“tryingtofindmecheatingonyou”thingwasawayoflegitimisingthis.’Hegesturedatthembothinturn.
‘No,we’renot,’Roisinsaid.
‘Mmmm.Sure.Lookslikeit,’saidJoe.‘Verynormalvibeshere.’Hemadeaswirlinghandgesture.‘Thevibesarefeelinghighlynormal.Justtwopals,havingaheatedemotionalexchange,needingtotalkaboutsomething,themorningafterthenightbefore,outsideyourmum’splace.’HelookedupatTheMallory.‘DoyouneedmetoriptheCareBearsduvetoffyourwrigglingbodiesbeforeyouadmitit?’
Roisinsawnowthatunderneaththesuperiorscorn,Joewasboilingwithjealousy.Sheopenedhermouth,butMattspokefirst.
‘IhelpedRoisinbecauseshe’smyfriend.Ididn’tcareabouttheeffectonyou,becauseyou’renotmyfriend.Simplereally.’Mattdidn’tsoundtheslightestbitintimidatedandhavingbeenagonisedhewasawitnesstothis,Roisinfoundherselfgratefulhewasthere.
HepulledhispuncheswithJoe,buthewasn’tscaredofhim.
‘Yourdearfriend,sure.Finallyfoundyourmomenttoshine,haven’tyou?’JoelookedfromMatttoRoisin.‘Youkeeptryingtocatchmeout,missingthedeceptiongoingonrighthere,Roisin.There’satechniquethatcommittedshaggersusethatyoumaybeunawareof.Theyposeassympatheticshoulderstocryonaboutothermen,whilespoon-feedingyoumorenegativityaboutthosemen.Eventually,youbecomesosurethey’rethesafehavenandprotector,youtakeyourclothesoffandfallintobedwiththem.The“NotLikeTheRestOfThem”device.It’sagrift,Rosh.You’rejustthismonth’smark.’
‘Seriously,Joe.Stop…you’rewayoutoforder,’Roisinsaid.
‘I’mgoingtogo,’MattsaidcurtlytoRoisin.‘WillyoubeOK?’
‘OhGOD,likeI’munsafe,’Joesaid.
‘Sure,’Roisinsaid,gratefully,andMattwalkedoff.
‘YouknowIknowyou’relying,right?’Joesaid.‘It’swrittenalloverbothofyourfaces.’
‘Youcanbelievewhatyouwant,Joe,’Roisinsaid,withmoreconfidencethanshefelt.‘Nothing’shappened.’
Joelookedtotheboxinherhand.‘Enjoyyourapartment.Ishould’veputacurseonitforwhenhecrossesthethreshold.Ijustwantyoutoownthismoment.Youweresodesperateforaversionofourbreak-upwhereIwasrevealedasthebadguy,andhereyouare,boffingMattbeforetheinkisdryonthedivorcepapers.Youarethebadguy,Roisin.You.Asforhim,he’ssomethingevenworse.’
Roisindidn’tbothertodisabuseJoefurther,acceptingtherewasnodenialhe’dlistento.Shelethimgo.Joedidn’tsuggestsayinghellotohermotherandnor,tobefair,didshewanthimto.
LorraineemergedfromthepubdoorasJoeacceleratedoutofthecarparkinhisexpensivenewtoy.
‘WasthatJoe?’
‘Yeah.’
Roisinfelttheextremerudenessofhisnothavingacknowledgedher,andwasleftwithnooptionbuttosay,‘I’veendedthingswithhim.Beenworkinguptotellingyou.’
‘Ohdear!Ididwonderthatyouhadn’tmentionedhimmuch,’Lorrainesaid.‘But…you’realright?’
‘I’mfine.Wehaven’tgotalongforawhile;we’dbeengrowingapart.Neededdoing.’Shewavedherberibbonedbox.‘He’sgivenmehishalfoftheapartmentasapartinggift.NotatallsureIshould’veaccepted,butheinsisted.’
‘Aslongasyou’realright.’Lorrainesqueezedherarm.Then,lookingoverhershoulder,‘Oh,there’sTerence!’
LorrainehadalwaysbeenaproponentofRoisinstickingwithJoe,andthatwenttripleoncehestartedcoiningitin.Roisinwasextremelysurprisedatthelackofenquiryandvolubleobjection.Somethingwasup.
Roisinfoundoutwhatthe‘up’waslikelytobe,withinanhour,whenshedecided–outofaneedtodrawaline,andalackofavailabledistractions–towatchthelastHunter
SheturnediPlayeronand,withajoltofwhatfeltliketravelsickness,sawithadbeenwatched.Lorrainehadseenthewholeseries.Roisinpaused,absorbedthisshock.AnyhopeshermumhadmissedthesignificanceofthetablesexsceneweredashedbyrememberinghowunexpectedlyperemptoryshehadbeenwhendiscussingJoe.
Roisinstucktheprogrammeonandfeltlikeadoptingabraceposition.
Moreproceduraldetectivestuff,arevealthatthekillerwasthefatherofoneofthewaitresses,lotsmoresex,apromotion…onceagain,Roisinfoundherselfsurprisedtobebored.
Thefinalcliff-hangerarrived.Becca’sbestfriendGwencameontoJasper,andwithmagnificentrestraint,herefused.Butthankstoaveryill-timedbumdial,hotGwenhadfoundoutJasperwasshaggingaroundandwasblackmailinghimtosuccumbtohercharms,orshewouldtellBecca.Gwen,whowasnotGina,butAmber?
ThecreditsrolledtoJasperwalkingdownaManchesterstreet,bumpingshoulderswithpassers-byinthestyleofamusicvideo,toavaledictoryburstof‘KnightsOfCydonia’byMuse.
AsJoehadsaid,thevoice-overpromisedmoreHunter
Sheswitchedthetelevisionoffwithreliefandconfusion.
RoisincasthermindbacktoJoefreshlybackfromLosAngeles,andhisspeechtowinherround,topersuadehertogivethemanothergo.
YouhavetoseeallthreeepisodestorealiseHunter’sbehaviourisn’tglamorised.Itdoesn’tpayoff;he’sreallyhumbledbytheend.
Huh?Humbled?ThatwasJoe’sideaofacomeuppance?
Roisinwascompletelyflummoxed,andthenshesatupstraight.Hersubconscioushadpickedupthetelephonetoherconsciousagain.
Thisiswhathedoes.He’saliar.Aliarwholiesinthemoment,whosayswhateverwillspringhimfromthetrap.Ifyoupickhimuponinconsistencieslater,thestorywilladaptandchangeshape.Hescriptsthingstoproduceaneffectinhisaudience.Personally,andprofessionally.
JoePowellisnotafixedsetofbeliefsandbehaviours.Heisachameleonwithavocabularyandamajorhard-onforpullingthewool.Hefeelsnoguilt,andhe’lldoitagain.Doliarsalwaysknowthey’relying?IfJoeknows,hedoesn’tcare.
JoewasstillrightaboutherculpabilityregardingMatt,evenifhe’dgottheextentofitwrong.Roisincouldn’tfeelguilty,evenifsheshould.Heprizedonlysurvival,theupperhand.
Sherealisedshedidn’ttrustawordhesaid,andthattrustcouldn’tberestored.
Shesaidaloud,‘Fuckhim.’
Roisincouldn’tfixJoePowellorfigurehimout,butshewasdonelivinginsidehisworld.59
Hairthecolourofliquidblackberryrequiredupkeepandexpense,andafteranaimless,doubt-wrackedweek,Roisinhadtotackleherinchofcocoa-colouredroots.
Shemadeherwaytoacitysalontositinfoils,avoidingherusualonesoshedidn’thavetoprovideanaccountofherselftoherstylist,Marco,whowatchedSEEN.Inshort,shedidn’twanttobeseen.Roisinwasnowavoidinglookinginthemirroratherstupidfacefortwohours.Everytimeshelethermindwander,shewasbackinTheMallory,beingpassionatelyseizedandsnoggedoveratableinthehalfdark,accompaniedbythesoundofSpandauBallet.Beforeshemadeadouble-dippedMcNuggetofherself.
Ugh,ugh
Shewasstillworkingatthepub,nowasmuchinavoidanceofheremptypadinDidsburyastohelphermother.Champagneproblems,butRoisinwassurethatstrippedofJoe’spossessions,thepremiseswouldberadiatingsilentresentmentfromeveryroom.Whatnow?ThankGodtheynevergotthatdog.
RoisinhadbookedherhairappointmentforlastthingFridaysoshecouldmeetMeredithandGinafordrinksafter.TheymetattheGina-nominatedIvy,andwithinthreesipsofasomething-Tiniandfiveminutesoftheircompany,Roisinfeltasifshe’dhadweeksoftherapy.
Onceagain,she’dcomementallypreparedaswhattorevealandwhattoconcealaboutrecentevents.Itwasadanceoftheveils.
SheupdatedthemonJoeandMatt’sstand-offoutsidethepub,andJoe’sluridallegationsaboutherandMatt,basedonhisvisittoSesso.Shefeltintensediscomfortattheirdumbstruckshockthathecouldsaysuchathing,givenJoehadsomerightonhisside.
‘Iappreciatehe’sdevastatedtoloseyou,butJosephsoundslikehe’slosthismind,too,’Meredithsaid,stabbingattheiceinherdrinkwithherstraw
Roisinsquirmed.Shehadtheirsupportunderfalsepretences.Thiswouldn’tdo,thispartialdisclosure.
Roisinthoughtabouthow,despitetheGwen-GinacharacterandJoe’ssoftspot,she’dneverthoughtforasecondthatGinahadfooledaroundwithJoe.Thatwasn’tatributetoJoe,buttoGina.Itwasunconscionablethatshe,MeredithorGinawouldeverdouble-crosseachotherorbreakthesebonds.
GiventhatwhathadoccurredbetweenherandMattwasunlikelytoeverberepeatedorevermatter,theexpedientthingwasobviouslytonottellGina.
Butlookingatthemboth,Roisinknewshehadto,oritwouldforeverhangoverthem.Thesewomenmatteredtohermorethananyone,andshecouldn’tdupethembywithholdingthissorryepisode.Shecouldn’tstandfortheirfriendshiptofeeltainted.IfshehadtowithstandatiradefromGina,sobeit.
‘Gina,’Roisinsaid,withadistinctsenseofbungee-jumpingandhopingtheropebetweenthemheldout.‘IdidsomethingstupidandawfulandIcan’tkeepittomyself.IkissedMatt.ItwasoververyquicklybutIabsolutelydespisemyself.Joewascompletelyoutoforderintheextentofhissuspicions,though.’
‘Woah,’saidMeredith.‘Didn’tseethatcoming.’
‘OhmyGod!’Ginacried.
Roisin’stenseexpressionfullycollapsed.
‘No.OhmyGod,’Ginarepeated,puttingonehandonRoisinandlayingtheotheroverherchest.‘Asin,Ididn’tseethatcomingeither,butalso,ohmyGod?’shesaidwiththerisingintonationofaquestion,holdingupanindexfinger.‘Ithink…I’mOKwithit?I’dwonderediffinallyadmittingIhadtodrophimwouldcureme,andithas.It’slikeIsaiditaloudandbrokethespell.LikeinLabyrinth.“Youhavenopoweroverme.”TheGoblinKing,remember?’
‘TheGoblin…OKno,goback,’Meredithsaid.
‘Really?!’Roisinsaid,incompletemystification.
‘Yes.Didyoudiscusshisfeelingsforyou,atlast?’Ginaadded.
Meredithraisedaneyebrow.Roisin’smouthopened.TheystaredateachotherasGinadrainedherSpinningfieldsSangria.
‘Icouldgoforanotherofthese,’shemurmuredabsently.
Ginawassupposedtobeblindsided,andyetshewasbyfarthemostcomposed.
‘His…what?’Roisinsaid.
RoisinlookedatMeredith,whomadeanoideawhatshe’stalkingaboutdisclaimerface.
‘Seriously.Justme?!IthoughtIwastheoneoutofthethreeofuswhowasn’tsuperperceptive!’
RoisinandMeredithsharedyetanothernonplussedlook.
Ginasmoothedherhair.She’dpulleditintoaFrenchplaitand,Roisinnoticednow,wasquiteradiant.
‘Derp.MatthasalwayshadahugethingforRoisin.Amajor,majorthing.Wouldfightonahorseforherwithoneofthoselongpokingimplements.YouknowtheonesImean?’Shemadeajoustingmove.
‘…Asword?’Meredithsaid.
‘No,likeaspear.’
‘Ithinkthat’salance?’Meredithsaid.
‘Toreturntothepoint,’Roisinsaid,hardlydaringtotrustGina’sapparentequanimity.‘DidMatttellyouthis?’
GinaturnedtoRoisinwiththelookofakindlycaregivertoinfant.‘No,coursenot,butyoudon’thaveadoomedobsessionwithsomeoneforaslongasIhaveandnotsniffoutafewthingsaboutthem.Trustme,MattMcKenziehasyearnedhopelesslyforyousinceforever.YEARNED.Iwouldgosofaras“pined”.’60
‘Newstome,’MeredithassuredRoisin,whosaid,‘Anddefinitelyme.’
‘Younevermentionedit?’RoisinsaidtoGina.
Shefiddledwithastudearring.‘Well…Ithoughtyouknewandweretooclassytoleton.Plus,youwerewithJoe.Itwasmischief.IknewMattwouldneverdoanythingaboutit.He’spurechivalry.’
‘Howdidthisknowledgecometoyou?’Meredithsaid.
‘Oh,it’ssoobvious!’
‘Evidentlynot…’Meredithsaid.
‘OK,sorememberthattimeDevmadeusgotoCenterParcs?’
‘Ugh,yes,’Roisinsaid.He’dbeenuptohisactivitiesforawhile.(Thatwasapoint:wherewasDev?RoisinhadtriedtocallhimforastateofthenationwhereshefinallybrokethenewsthatsheandJoewereexes,thinkinghewasbackfromSóller.Thelengthoftimeittooktoconnect,andthentheconnectiondropping,madeherfeelhewasfurtherafieldthanSpain.)
‘Mattwouldn’tswimandspentallhistimewithhiseyesboringintooneofthoseWolfHallbooks,blushing.Wouldn’tglancewithinthreefeetofRoisininaswimsuit.’
Roisinsquinted.‘…HeprefersThomasCromwelltologflumes?’
‘No!Hehadsuchmajorhotsforyouthathewasinsanelyself-consciouswhenyouwerepartiallyundressed!Whenyou’vethoughtaboutsomeonenakedamilliontimes,youcan’tactcasualwhenthere’sskinonshow.Ishouldknow.’
‘I’vegottosay,asevidencegoes,Iprobablywouldn’tbuildacaseonitattheHighCourt,’Meredithsaid,indicatingtothewaiterwhoseeyeshe’dcaughtwithcirclingforefingerinmid-air,andthenthumbsupthatyes,they’dlikethesameagain.
‘Yeah.“Doesn’thaveanyinterestinmypatchybikiniline”feelsshortofconclusive,’Roisinsaid,startingtolaughslightlyhysterically,asmuchinreliefasanything.‘Giventhatappliestoprettymucheveryonesaneonearth.’
‘Oh,hedoes.’Ginanodded,sagely.‘Hereallydoes.Icouldfindyouotherexamples,butthat’stheonethatcomestome.YouneverseeMattlookshy.’
‘ItwaseitherthatorthevisualimpactofDev’sflamingoswimshorts,’Meredithsaid.
‘Whydidn’tInoticethis?’Roisinsaid.
‘You’remodestandnoteverlookingforit,andMatthasascarilygoodpokerface,’Ginasaid.‘He’smoreofanenigmathanwerealise.Idon’tgettheimpressionhe’sveryclosetohisfamily,forexample.’
Hmmm,she’dgotthatright,thoughRoisinwasn’tatlibertytoconfirmit.
‘Icouldneverhateyouforit,Rosh.I’vealwaysthoughtyouwereagoddess,too,’Ginasaid.
‘Ican’tbelieveIwascaughtinthiswebofsexualpsychodramathewholetime,’Meredithsaid.
‘Well,eitherwaywithMatt,Ican’tbelieveyou’vebeensounderstandingaboutmylunacy,’RoisinsaidtoGina.‘Thankyou.’
Ginaputherheadononeside.‘Iknowyou’dneversellmeout,butmorethanthat,Iamweirdlyalrightwithit.MorethanIeverthoughtIcouldbe.Ihavetothankyou,infact.Withoutthisinformation,Iwouldn’thaveknownforsure.’
‘But,how?!’Roisinsaid,scarcelybelieving.
‘TheAaronEffect!’Meredithsaid,makingaprayinggesture.
‘Yeahthat.Andalso,afterMattwentoffthatnightwithAmelia,somethingsnappedinme.Ormaybediedinme.Istoppedmyhankering,almostovernight.Ididn’texpecttheeffecttobesoinstant.Ithinkbytheend,IwassickandtiredofmyselfmorethanIwasactuallyinlove,youknow?’
MeredithandRoisindidn’t,exactly,buttheynodded.
‘Youknowsomething,too?Aaronreallywantedtogoonadate.Reallywantedto;hewassoshyhishandwastremblingwhenwesaidcheersafterIgottothepub.IrealisedthatIwantthat.Iwanttobewanted.Mattcan’tgivemethat.’
RoisinandMeredithbothnoddedagain.
‘IsaidIcouldn’tbeartotrytobefriendswithwhoeverMattfound,butifshe’smyfriendalready,thatproblemissolved?’Ginaconcluded.
Roisinwastakenabackatthisandblurted,‘Honestlyitwasnothing,itlastedsecondsbeforeIscreamedwhatarewedoing.He’sofftoasortofdatetomorrownightatsomebarlaunch.NormalMcKenziebusinesshasresumed.’
Theirroundarrivedandtheypausedwhiletheiremptyglasseswerewhiskedawayandreplacedwithfullones.
‘Mmmm,’Ginasaid,givingRoisinapenetratinglook.‘Ifyouaren’tgoingtopursueit,pleasedon’tmakeitonmyaccount.Idon’twanttodoanymoredamagetoMatt.Hedeservestobehappy.’
‘Doesthismeanhe’sallowedbacktotheBrians?’Meredithsaid.
‘Sure,’Ginasaid.
‘Ithinkyouhavetobetheonetotellhimthat,’Meredithsaid,andGinanodded.‘Now.That’ssorted.CanwepleasetrytopasstheBechdeltesthere,’Meredithsaid.
‘What’sthat?’Ginasaid.
‘It’swhetherafilmissexist:dowomen,whentogether,everdiscussasubjectthatisn’taman.’
‘We’dpassiteasilyifyoudatedsomeoneforustogossipabout,’Ginasaid,andMeredithgaspedwhileRoisincackled.
Theconversationmovedon,andRoisinwasleftpretendingtolistenwhileshewasconsumedbywhatGinahadsaid.
Matthadfeelingsforher?Longstandingones?Big,seriousones?Sheresistedsomethingsoseductiveandextraordinarybeingtrue.Italsoforcedhertoaskherselfwhatherinterestswerehere.
She’drevealedwhatshehadwiththeaimofbeingcompletelyhonestwithherfriends,butshefearedwhatithadshownherwasthatshehadn’tbeencompletelyhonest,atall.Withthem,withMatt,orwithherself.61
Roisinwasexperiencingeverysymptom,whilestubbornlydenyingshehadthesickness.Hisnameappearingonherphonewasasifsomeonehadstabbedherchestwithasyringeofadrenaline.
ThefollowingdayafterhernightoutwithGinaandMeredith,sheunlockedthemessagefromMattMcKenziesofastherfingerswereablur.Roisinhadbeeninagoniesatthemeaningforhissilenceandthenhadtoallowshe’dnotbeenincontactwithhim,either.Itwashardtoknowwhattosay.She’dbeenhopingMeatballwouldvisitthepubandgiveheranexcusetosendaphoto,butrumourhadithewasromancingthestaffatthevillagechippy.
SorryforleavingyouwithJoelastweekend.Ithoughtmybeingtherewasonlygoingtomakehimworse.Howdiditgo?x
Shetypedback:
Hedidn’timprovebuthopefullythat’stheendofit.Howareyou?IsittheAncoatsbarlaunchtonight?x
Wellremembered!Yesitis,‘festa’.(Nocapitallettershereobvs.)I’llreportbackastowhethertheMarmaladeNegronisareanygood.Givemylovetoyourmum,Terence,andespeciallyMeatball.Ileftapacketofthosechewshelikesinmyroom,ifyou’dnotminddispensingthem.X
Hmmm,largekiss.Emphaticallypositive,butalsoafullstop.Also,aretheypossiblyeasiertosendtopeopleyoudon’tfancy?
Analysingtextkisssizeswasanothersymptom.
OhGod,shemissedhim.TheMallorywasdrabwithoutthesoundofMatt’slaughterand,tobecandid,thewayhisarmslookedwhenhewasheftingheavycrates
WithoutGina’sencouragement,Roisinwouldn’thavehadthenervetohope,butherwordscircledroundandroundherhead.WasGinamerelyaromantic,sufferingalongtailwithMcKenzieDerangementSyndrome,orwassheright?Shewasrightabouthisfamily.
Fuck’ssake,whatcouldRoisinDOwithallthesefeelingsshewasfeeling?
‘I’vegotAmyandErnieontonight,’Lorrainesaid,asifshecouldpickuponRoisin’sanxiety.‘Whydon’tyougoout,dosomethingnice?’
‘Icould,Isuppose…’Roisinsaid.
Didshedare?Ordidshewaitforthismadnesstosubside?Whatif…WhatiftheloveofMatt’slifeisoutthereinAncoats,andtonightisthenighttheymeet,sheaskedherself.Thentheywereforeverunitedasone,onaninexorabletracktomarriageandbabies,andRoisinhadtoalwayswonderwhatwould’vehappenedifshe’donlyhadtheguts?
Thatbitchneededstopping.
Aplanstartedtoform.Acompletelycrackersplan.
He’dtoldherthename,festa,andthatwasahinthewantedhertoturnup,right?Right!No.Thatwasthekindofthingthatstalkersbelieved.
Roisinputontheblack&OtherStoriesdresshe’doncesaidhelikedandbookedacab,reasoningthatifitwentwell,she’dwantadrink,andifitwentbadly,she’dneedadrink.
Shenervouslypulledoutacompactenroutetocheckshedidn’thavelipstickonherteeth,andthedriversawher.
‘Firstdate,isit?’
‘Somethinglikethat!’
‘Ifyou’renervous,imaginehimnaked.’
‘Ican’tthinkofanythingmorelikelytomakemenervous,’Roisinsaid.
Givenitwasaspecialoccasion,ManchesterobligedwitharainstormsoheavythatRoisinhadtodashintothebarholdingherhandbagoverherhead.festawasalong,high-ceilingedroomfullofexposedventilationpipesanddanglingbarelightbulbsonloopedcords,whichalwaysmadeTerencesay,‘Whydoesnoonefinishtheelectricsanymore?Thecontainmentisterrible!’HelikedeveryonetorememberhewasCORGI-registeredtodogasandelectricsbeforehewasabarman.
Roisinpickedherwaythroughthewell-dressedcrowdinsideandstartedtothink,he’snothere.He’snothere.Didsherisktextinghim;whatwouldsheevensay?
Thenshesawhimagainstafarwallofplasticgreenleaves:anunmissablejawline.Herheartwentboom.Herpalmswentdamp.
Helookedoverasshedrewnear,andexclaimed,inrealshock,‘Roisin?!’
Sothenameofthebarwasn’tahint.Nope.ShenoticedthenthatthewomanhewaschattingtohadahighponytailandstrappyheelslikeVirginiacreeperwoundupherendlessbarelegs.Shewasbreathtaking.Ifshewasthefuturelove,Roisinhadbroughtpisstoashitfight.
Roisinalmostsaid,‘Wrongbar!’whilebackingaway,hearing‘YaketySax’inherhead.
‘Whyareyouhere?’Mattsaid,puttingdownhisdrinkandwalkingovertoher.
‘Hello.CanIhaveaword?’shesaid.
‘Er…yeah?’
‘Inprivate?Outside?’Roisinsaid.
‘Doesithavetobeoutside?It’sshittingitdown!’Mattsaid,notunreasonably.
‘Idon’twanttoshout.’
Therewasnowhereinhereshewouldn’tfeeltheweightofstaresuponthem;shecouldn’tsaythiswithpeopleclusteredaround.Oroverthemusic:NewOrder’s‘AgeOfConsent’wasgivingthemanearboxing.
Sheandabaffled-lookingMattemergedintothestreetandMattpointedatashopawningahundredyardsaway.
Theydartedunderit,thewaterpouringfromitsedgeinsheets.
‘I’mgoingtostress-testmydad’sthingabouthowyou“neverregretbravery”,toitsabsolutelimit.’
‘OK?’Mattsaid,wipingrainwaterfromhisbrow.
‘Ireallylikeyou.’
Mattlookedperplexed,yetimpassive.Sheworriedhewouldevenbeannoyedatbeingdraggedoutofhiseveningforthiscrap.
Roisinhadrehearsedamoreambitiousversionofthisspeech,andsheimmediatelyjunkedit.Itturnedoutlifewasnotlikeromanticcomedyfilms.MakinggrandstatementsaboutyourpassiontoanunwarypersonyouknewwellwasnotlikethatsceneattheNewYearpartyinWhenHarryMetSally:itwasexcruciating.
Itwasraining,andshedidnotice.
‘Whateverstartedtheothernight.Youknow.WithBryanFerry.AndSpandauBallet.Ireallylikeyou,andIthinkweshould…date.Ifyouwantto.Gina’stotallyfinewithit.’
‘That’swhatyouwantedtosay?Yougotpermission?’Mattsaid,andRoisinwantedtodie.She’dhavetocharacterisethisincident,inthemonthsandyearstocome,as‘JoePTSD’.
‘WhatifGinahadsaidno?You’dchooseGina?’
Roisinnodded,reluctantly.
‘Therightdecision,’Mattsaid.Oof
AndtheveryfactMattwasn’tsayingwow,really,metooandclaspinginherarmswasasmuchanswerasRoisinneeded.
‘Thingis…’Mattsaid.‘Thismaybetoomuchhonesty,butIamsowearywithnotsayingwhatImean,andnotbeingsurewhatotherpeoplemean.Thingis,I’mnotwhoyouthinkIam.’62
‘How?’
Wasthiswhereheadmittedhewasindeedaremorselesswomaniser?
‘IthinkyouthinkI’mthisfunpartyanimal,who’sgoingtowhirlyouaroundthedancefloorandgetyoubackonyourfeetafteradecadeofJoePowell.’
Hedrewbreath.‘Despitewhatitlookslike…’Henoddedbackattheteemingbar.‘Idon’thavealotofpeopleinmylife.Onesthatmatter.Idon’tseemyfamily;Iwon’tbeseeingmuchoftheBrianlotfromnowon.Attimes,Ifeelprettylonely.Idon’tknowwhythatfeelssohardtoadmit,butitdoes.I’mnotashamed,andyet…itseemsIam.’
Roisinexactlyunderstoodthatfeelingofbeingashamedofsomethingyouweren’tashamedof.
‘You,however,matter.Youareoneofmyoldestfriends,andIloveyou.I’mreallyflatteredyouthinkI’mgoodforagoodtime.ButIcanseeusontheothersideofthat,andIdon’twantit.Idon’twanttoscaledowntotheawkwardWhatsAppseverycoupleofmonths.Checkinginandbeingforced-casualandcageywitheachotheraboutwhowe’rebothseeing.Itdoesn’tworktostaymateswithsomeoneyou’vehadthosetimeswith.’
Roisinnodded.
‘Ifyouneedaself-esteemboost,thenIcanpromiseyou:youarestaggeringlylovely.Youwon’tstruggletofindsomeonetosayyes.Buthecan’tbeme.Ifithelps,Ialreadyhatehim.’
‘Thankyou,’Roisinsaid.‘Forthenicest,You?No,ta,loveIwilleverget.’Shepulledacomedyface.
Mattsmiled,shookhishead,andwinced.‘It’snot“no,ta.”It’s,“Ilikeyoutoomuchtoswapclosefriendsstatusforbeingkind-of-exes”.Howevermuchfunthebriefspellinbetweenis.’
Roisinsaid,‘Igetit.’Thatwasthat.Shedecidedtoclawbacksometatteredshredsofdignity.‘ButIwasn’tcompletelyoffthemarkinthinkingyoumightbeupforit.Youdidkissme?BeforeIrememberedGina,’Roisinsaid.
‘IneversaidIfoundsayingnotoyoueasy,’Mattsaid,withadevastatingsmile.‘I’msayingitwouldbetoocostlyafling.’
Except…shewasn’taskinghimforafling.Shouldshesayit?Oh,fuckit.She’dcomethisfar.
‘I’mnotaskingyoutohavesomedalliancewithme,’Roisinsaid,alastbidshewasn’tatallsuresheshouldmake.Ifnotquitwhileyou’reahead,quitwhileyou’venotcompletelyhumiliatedyourself.
‘Thenwhatareyousaying?’Mattsaid.
‘I’msaying…’Roisinpeteredoutattheimpossibilityoflookinghiminthatspectacularfaceandutteringtheactualfoolishwords.
‘Beextremelybluntandasgraphicasyoulike,’Mattsaid.‘Ithinkwe’rebeyondniceeuphemisms.’Heputhisarmuptoshieldthemasagustofrainsomehowmanagedtopeltsideways,undertheawning.
Roisintookadeepbreath.‘I’msaying,Matt,I’myours,ifyouwantme.Iwantyoutobemine.I’msayingIthinkI’minlovewithyou.’
Astunnedbeatofsilence.
‘Sincewhen?’Mattsaidquietly.
‘Afewdaysago.Whichsoundsflippant,butit’snot.It’sjust…suddenlyallthere.Asifitwasthereallalong.’
Mattstaredather,andshestaredback.Nearby,afemalevoicesaid,‘Sorrytobuttin.Matt,shouldIgetyouanotherdrink?’
Helookedover.‘No,ta.’
Thepersonretreated.
Roisinwonderedifsheshouldsaysomethingelse,butbeforeshecould,Mattsteppedforward,woundhishandsinherhair,andkissedher.
Sheputherarmsaroundhisneck,thinking,ifthisispuresympathy,Imayaswellgetthemostoutofit.
‘Forclarity,whatdoesthatmean?’shesaid,whentheydisentangled.
‘Itmeans,“youcould’veledwiththat,”’Mattsaid,hisfacesuffusedwithajoyshecouldhonestlysayshe’dneverseen.‘ThenIcould’vesaid,“Well,that’sacoincidence.I’vebeeninlovewithyouthewholetime.”’
*
–>

‘YouknowwhatI’dliketodo?’Mattsaid,astheylaysidebysideinbed.Mattpickedupherhandandputhispalmagainstit.
‘Horrifyme,’Roisinsaid,certainshewouldnotbehorrified,evenifsheshouldbe.
Herblackdresslayonthefloorofhismezzaninebedroominhisfranklydaftapartment,andtheyhadembarkedonwhatRoisinhopedwasthefirstofmanytimesthey’dfallintothisbed.Beingnakedwithsomeoneyou’dbeenfriendswithforsolongcouldfeelstrange,andatmomentsitdid,butmainlyitjustfeltvery,verygood.
‘Togoonholidaywithyou.OneofthoseholidaysthatexistsmainlyintheimaginationandInstagrambrags.GamesofUNOontableswithtealights,tumblersofcheapwhitewine.Lightsintheharbourbeyond.Thatsortofthing.Possiblyalobsterwithfries.’
‘SoundslikeGreeceorItaly.Wecoulddothat.Holidaysinhalftermsarepunitivethough.Drawbackofmyjob.DevDoshimoney.OhGod.’Sheputahandtoherforehead.‘Notlookingforwardtogoingbacktowork.IhadapanicattackinfrontofaclassplayingaclipfromHunter.Urgh.’
Mattrearrangedhimselfonthepillowstopullherintothecrookofhisarm,kissingthetopofherhead.‘Youareanabsolutelyaceteacher,andyouwillbefine.Ihaveeveryfaith.Strollbackintherewithyourheadheldhigh.’
‘Thankyou,’Roisinsaid.Shegazedattheiropulentsurroundings,andshedidn’tjustmeanMattMcKenzie.‘Howmuchofthisisyou?Idon’tmeanwhat’syours,asinown…’
‘Ayeaye.AssessingifIhaveenoughfamilysilverleft?’
‘Pffft.Imean.Ifyousaytheflashandglamourandmanabouttownstuffwasa…front.’Shedidn’twanttorepeattheword‘lonely’,thoughshestillfeltitinhergut.
‘That’sagoodquestion.OneIaskedmyselfalotafterIgotthesack.It’sonlyhalfserious,inaweirdway.LikeIplayedaroleonpurposethatpeoplefoundamusing.’
ConcoctedCasanovapersona.So,Joe’sassessmenthadn’tbeenentirelyoff.
‘Themaskeatsthefacethough,andallthat.Ican’ttellyouhowidioticIfeeladmittingtoyou,andmyself,thatmylifestylewassomesortofperformance-artjoketogetpeopletolikeme.’
RoisinthoughtofMattuncomplaininglymoppingupnapalmedspaghettihoopsthatTerencehaddetonatedinthemicrowaveatTheMallory,andrealisedwhyshe’dcaughtfeelingsforhimwhenshehad.
‘Idon’tthinkyouneedtohidebehindanythingtobeliked,’Roisinsaid,warmly.
Mattsqueezedhershoulder.‘Havingneverbeenacouple,Iwanttobesoverycoupley.WouldyoufeelvomitousifIdidthingslikewroteyoucardswithinspirationalmessagesaboutmyloveandputtheminyourworkbagtofind?’
Roisinhootedwithlaughter.‘Sayingwhat?Live,laugh,love?’
‘Saying…Idon’tknow,you’dhavetoopenittofindout.Declarationsthatwouldleaveyouunabletoconcentratefortherestoftheday.OrmaybeI’dgowithajoke.’
‘OhGod,nothingblue,please.Knowingmyluck,I’ddropitandsomeonefrom10Ewouldopenit.’
‘Ipromise.Nothinglike,“foundthekeystoyourdildocabinet.”’
Roisinshrieked.‘Haveyoureallybeeninlovewithmeallalong?’shesaid.
‘Yeah.ItoldyouIhadbeen.ThewomanIwasinlovewith,backintheday?WhoItoldafriendaboutandhesteamedinaheadofme?Thatwasyou.AndJoe,ofcourse.’
Roisinsatupslightly.‘What?Really?“Sheemigratedtotheothersideoftheworld”?’
‘ThatwasanexaggerateddepictionofWestDidsbury.Ineededaredherring.Ifearedwhilespeakingthatyou’dseenrightthroughme,withthoseoldsoulbrowneyesofyours.’
Roisinhadtotakeafewsecondstoabsorbthis.‘Wait.Thatwasme?Youhidmeonsocialmedia?’
‘Haha!Ilovethatyouthinkthat’sthemostshockingthing,notthesecretten-yearobsession.Yeah,sorry.Icheckedineverysooftensoyoucouldn’ttell,though,right?’
‘Incaseofababyannouncement?!’
‘Yeah.Irecentlydowngradedthethreatlevelofyourpostinganultrasoundfromsubstantialtomoderate,obviously.Thechanceswerelow,butneverzero.’
‘Thisisamazing.Whydidn’tyouaskmeoutinthefirstplace?’
RoisincasthermindbacktotheDeansgateshopflooryears.Sherememberedanabsurdlyhandsome,personableyoungladfromamoniedbackground,whomshewassurprisedwantedthegruntworkofretail.Sherememberedsuspectinghe’dbeabrat,andinsteadMatthewMcKenziebeingoneofsweetest-naturedpeopleshe’devermet.Andhelookedlikehe’dbeencarvedfrommarble.Roisinhadassumedhehadavasthinterlandofattentionfromwomen,thesortwhodidn’tdiptwigletsinhummuswhilereadingHello!inthestaffroom.
‘Iwasgoingto.Ikepttryingtofinagletheseatingplanswhenwewentoutafterwork,soIcouldtalktoyou.Youmayrecall,alotofpeoplewantedtobenexttoRoisinonthosenights.Then,asIsaid,Ilostthemoment.Youwereseeinghim.’
She’dneverseenMattlookshybefore.(God,Gina,youwereright.)
‘Joeaskedmeoutbecauseyou’dtoldhimyouweregoingto?’
‘Yup.Hetoldmeyou’dforcedthetiming,nothim.Tookmeanembarrassinglylongamountoftimetorealisethatwasbullshit.’Mattpaused.‘Ishouldn’thavementionedthis,shouldI?He’scomebetweenus,again.’
Roisinpushedherhandacrosshischest,underthesheets.She’dtoldhimshe’dbeentryingtoacclimatisetosomeonehavingthismanymuscles,moremusclesthansheactuallyknewanyonehad.
‘Ipromiseyou.I’mnotthinkingaboutJoe.’63
Theremightbemoreawkwardplacestoreceiveaphonecallfromyourex’smumthanthesky-highflatofyournewlover,themorningafterthefirstnightbefore,butiftherewas,Roisindidn’tcaretoknowaboutit.
Evenworseandmorecackhanded,Roisinhadn’tintendedtoanswerit,foralltheaforementionedreasons,buthadbeenmid-swipewhenFay’snameappeared,pressingAcceptCallinerror.
Atleastshewasalone–Matt’sjobkeptsomeanti-socialhoursandhe’dhadtogotoaSundaymorningmeetingabouthisrehiring.He’dleftherakey.
‘Youcankeepthat,’hesaid,beforeanotherfeverishboutofkissingthatmadehimlate.Roisinwould’vehappilymadehimevenlater.
‘Hello,Roisin.IwantedtosayhowsorryKennethandIweretohearaboutyouandJosephseparating.’
‘Thankyou,Fay,’Roisinsaid.‘It’sreallysad,buthopefullyit’scivilised.’
‘You’restayingintheflat,Joesays?’
Faywasbattlingtokeepthedisapprovaloutofhervoiceandfailing.Roisinspottedtheexacttenorofneutrallyraisingsomethingthathadbeendiscussedinextremelyjudgementaltermsalready.
‘Joeinsistedthatitwasonlyfair,afterIsupportedhiswritingcareerforallthoseyears.It’sextremelygenerousofhim.Iguesshe’ssosuccessfulnowit’sdifferentrules.’
Fayinhaled.‘Joealsosaysyou’reinvolvedwithsomeoneyoubothknow?Afriend?’
OhGOD.Scorchedearth,Joe,isit?Therewasnoneedforthis.Shecould’vegivenLorrainechapterandverseandoptednotto.
‘Erm.Thereweremultiplefactorsinthebreak-up,’Roisinsaid,terse.‘Itwasn’tduetoanyinfidelity.’
‘I’dhavethoughtitdidn’thelp!Comeon,Roisin.’
‘NothingwentonbehindJoe’sback,Fay.’
Nevertheless,shewrithed.Roisinwasn’tproudofthefactshe’dfallenforoneoftheirmutualfriends.Thereasonshewasableto,wasbecausesheandJoehadalreadyimploded.
Therightandproperwayforherromanticlifetocontinuewasarespectfulsixmonthstoayearofsingledom,andthenseeingsomeonewhollyunconnectedtoJoe.Butlifewasachaotic,inconvenientbastard,andthereitwas.Lovewaslove.Joecertainlycouldn’tsayshehadstolenhisbosombuddy,withherbosoms.
Fayaskedafewmorequestionsaboutherwelfarethathadanswersshecouldn’tpossiblycareabout.Itbecameclearthatshewasn’tissuinganelegantandaffectionatefarewell;shewassoappalledthatshecouldn’tresisthearingRoisin’saccountforherself.ShewasforcingRoisintoownherinfamoustreatmentofherson,inthestyleofanofficerreadingoutthecharges.TomakeitclearTheyKnew
Roisinwassurprisedbyhowupsettingshefoundit.Allthoseyearsofscrapingcarrotsforthefestivelunch,sendingthempressclippingsaboutSEENandrememberingwhichsmall-batchdistilleryginKennethliked,fornothing.Shehadbeenanear-faultlessdaughter-in-lawanditallevaporatedafterafewchoice,butthurtwordsfromJoe.Mothersandtheirsons.ShethoughtaboutLorraineandRyan.
Aftersheendedthecall,RoisinsawDominic,Joe’sbestfriend,wasonCallWaiting.Wasthisa‘LineUpToKickRosh’sArse’queue?Sheverynearlydeclined.OnlythemomentumfromhavingfacedFaymadehertakeit.Herbloodwasup
‘Hi,Dominic!’shesaid.
‘Roisin,darling.Howareyou?’ShefoundDom’spatricianmannerwithwomenthesameageashimirksomeatthebestoftimes.
‘Youknowwhat,IwasOKuntilJoe’smumrangtoinsinuateI’magreedyjezebel.Ifyou’reofferinganythingonthattheme,canIaskthatwedon’t?Themeetingcouldbeanemail,astheysay.’
‘Ohgoodness!Mums!Sorrytohear,’Domsaid,emollient.
Roisinhadexpectedhimtotakeoffenceandfellquiet.
‘VicandIarequitegutted,andwewantedtoletyouknowthat,andcheckyou’reOK.Also,pleasekeepthisbetweenus,butIthinkyoungJosephdoeshimselfnofavourswiththecocksure,invulnerableroutine.He’sanabsolutemessoverlosingyou,whetherheshowsitornot.’
‘Ah,’Roisinsaid.
‘Whenhetalksaboutyou,whatalwaysshinesoutistheimmenserespecthehasforyou,Roisin.’
Aye,doesit,shethought.Sheknewthere’dbeanangle,andhereitwas.‘GiveJoeanotherchance’,asheavysubtext.
‘You’retheonlywomanintheworldasfarashe’sconcerned.Hethinksyou’reapowerhouse.That’sthewordheuses.’
Roisintriedtosoundappreciative.SheknewDommeantwell,andmaybeitwashismannerthatgrated.ButshewasbeingmansplainedonhowsheshouldperceiveJoe,beingmansplainedonhistrueamourforher.DiditnotoccurtoDominictoaskwhatRoisinthought?Herbreak-uphadbecomeothers’property.
Therewasnopointsayinganyofthis:DomwouldmerelyinsisthewantedRoisintoknowhowcherishedshewas.
‘…I’mdoingamercydashtostaywithhimtonightsohe’snotonhisown.IexpecttherewillbeTomWaitsandwhisky.Listen,thisisnoneofmybusiness…’Domsaid.
Youcanprobablystopthere,then?Roisinthought,waspishly.
‘Joementionedsomeoneyoubothknowputtingmovesonyou.Hefeelsthismanisverymuchnottobetrusted.Hedoesn’thaveyourbestinterestsatheart.Joewasveryagitatedandworriedthatyouthinkit’smerepossessiveness.Hediscusseditforsometimewhenhecalledintheotherweek.’
Itwasthetiniestoftinythings,asnaggedthreadonatableedge.Roisincouldeasilydismissit.
But,‘calledin’?WhenJoehadsaidhe’dstayedover?64
Roisin’smindracedasDomcontinuedonthenebulousandshadowyevilsofafictionalisedversionofMattMcKenzie.
IfshedirectlyquestionedDomonthis‘calledin’terminology,hemightsenseJoewasbeingcaughtoutanddeploymalesolidarityemergencymode:blustertoRoisinthatJoe’sversionwasright,thenquestionJoelater.
Shehadtobesmarterthantosimplysay,‘Didn’thestayatyours?’
‘Ihopehedidn’tstaggerintoodrunkfromthatlads’nightandwakehisparents,afterhecalledinatyours,bytheway,’Roisinsaid,flyingakite.
‘When?Theotherweek?Ohno,’Domsaid.Hepaused,andRoisinthoughthewasabouttochangethesubject.‘Hewasoffbyhalfeight–hewastakingthemfordinner.’
‘Ah,ofcourse!Ithinkhesaid,’Roisinsaidsmoothly.
Whensherangoff,thehairsonherarmswerestandingonend.She’duncovered,bypurechance,anoutrightlie.Arecentlie.RoisinwassureifshechallengedJoe,there’dbebullshit.
Hewantedaquietnighttohimself,hismentalhealthhadn’tbeensogreat,heknewRoisinwouldwantanaccountofwhyandhewasn’tready,blahblah.
Shewouldn’tbelieveitanyway.
WhywouldIusemyparentsasacoverstory,whenyoutalktothem?Becauseyou’dgambledthatthey’dnotmentionit.Itwasn’taperfectsolution,Joe,butitwasgoodenough.Theroulettewheelspinquitepossiblyaddedtothefrisson
Sowherehadhebeen?RoisinhadassumedManchester,buthehadtohavestayedinYork.He’dtoldRoisinhewasatthefamilyhome,andDomwastheexplanationforthatdiscrepancy.Youdon’tbothertocreateanalibitwiceover.
Occam’sRazor:JoewasinYork,thatSundaynight,anddidn’twantanyonetoknowwhathewasdoingorwherehewassleeping,notevenDom.Clearly,cheatingonRoisinwasembarrassinginfrontofhisoldestfriends;thatwassomething.
Butwithwho?HewentbacktoYorkreasonablyoften,butusuallywithRoisin.Sincetheygottheniceapartment,hisparentscameuptotheirsprettyoften.Sustaininganaffairlookedlikedifficultwork,assumingshewasbasedthere,andtheprobabilitywasthatshewas.
ShesupposedJoecouldhaveasecretTinderprofile,settinghislocationtoYorkcitycentreandwaitingforresponses,butshecouldn’tseeit,somehow.WhenJaspersaidonlyidiotshadevidenceontheirphone,itrangasveryJoe-ish.
OhGod…whatifhepaidforit?ThisnotionwassostartlingthatRoisinhadn’tthoughtofituntilnow,andstillcouldn’tallowit.TherewassomethingnotatallJoe-likeaboutthat,either.He’dwanttothinkhispartnerwantedtobethere.Helikedpoweroverpeople.Ifyouweremakingafinancialtransaction,thatwasabluntinstrumentavailabletoanyone.Withhim,there’dbeapsychologicaldimension.It’dbeamindfuck,aswellasabodilyone.
RoisingoogledcentralhotelsinYork.She’dheardJoediscussingaccommodationpreferencesinLondon,NewYorkandL.A.oftenenough.Lookingattheoptionsavailable,shefeltprettysurethatifhewasn’tinaprivateresidence–andthatwasabigif–he’dhavebeenatTheRoyal,anEdwardianrailwaybuildingwithfivestars.They’dstayedthereafterweddings.
Joelikedgrandeurandpomp;hescorned‘thetrendyoneswiththenudgenudgewinkwinkmarketingmaterialsnexttoyourFiggyPuddingflavourshowergel’.AndRoisinjudgedthat,ifyouwerehavingsomeillicitboot-knocking,you’dprefertheanonymityofachaintoatinyplacewhereyoumightbeasked,Specialoccasion?WhatbringsyoutoYork?
Roisincouldn’tresistaninvestigation.Itwasthelongestoflongshots,butstillashot.
Sheweigheduphowtodothis,bypassingdataprotection,anddecidedherbestbetwas:1.Claimtohavebeenaguest,notaskingaboutone,thusnottriggeringspyingsuspicions,and2.Queryingsomethingfinancial,whichwouldencouragethemtoprioritiseinvestigationandresolutionoverprivacy.
Ithadonedrawback–theymightaskforacardnumberthatRoisindidn’thave,ornotwithoutsubterfugesshe’drathernotundertake.SheandJoehadseparatebankaccounts,wentpaperlessforstatements,andevenifshecouldsomehowaccesshisonlinebanking,hecould’vepaidcash.Provinghewastherewasthething.
Deepbreath.Shelookedupthehotelonline,typedthenumberintoherphone,listenedtotheautomatedresponse.Shepressed5toSpeakToAMemberOfTheReceptionTeam.
‘Hello,TheRoyalYork,howcanIhelpyou?’
‘Hi!IstayedatyourhotellastSunday,thefifteenth.I’vehadmycreditcardstatement.I’vebeenchargedaton,andIthinkit’sthewrongbill?Ishould’venoticedatthetime,butIwassohungoverIpaiditwithoutchecking,haha!WoulditbepossibleforyoutopullupmyoriginalreservationandseewhatroomIwasin,intheoriginalbooking?’
‘Whatnamewasthereservationunder,please?’
‘RoisinWalters.R-O-I-S-I-N.WalterswithanS.’
Shefiguredthefasterthiswent,thebetterit’dgoforher,butawomancallingtoaskaboutaman’sbillwastooriskyinsoundingsnoopingalarmbells.Thiswasnecessaryscenesetting.
Therewasoffstagetap-tappingatakeyboard.
‘Idon’thaveanythinginthatnameonthesystem,sorry?’
‘Oh?Oh,wait…ofcourse–itwasbookedbymyboyfriend.Try“JoePowell”?P-O-W-E-DOUBLE-L.Samedate,obviously.’
OnlyatthismomentdiditoccurtoherJoemight’veusedafalsename.He’dhavehadtousehisrealbankcardsthough,andthatmight’vebeentooconspicuouslyweddingringinthegloveboxforhistastes.Thetap-tapping,silencesandbreathingontheotherendofthelinewereagony.
‘Ah,yes.Foundyou.Itwasasuite?Intheextras,ourrecordsdon’thaveanythingfromtheminibar,onlyabottleofchampagneonarrivalintheroom?’
Roisin’sveinspumpedpureadrenaline.
‘Oh,Iforgotthechampagne!’shesaid,improvisingatahundredmilesperhour.‘Haha!I’veobviouslybeenindenialaboutmymassiveVisastatement,apologies.Thanksforyourhelp.’
Sherangoff,heartthundering.FUCKIN’GOTCHA.Noone,butsurelynoone,orderedchampagnetoasuitetositanddrinkaloneincontemplation.Noonegildedanightofsolitudetothatextent:asuitewaseithersomeoneonworkexpensesfortravel,whichJoewasn’t,orsomeoneshowingasecondsomeoneagoodtime
Shehadthesmokinggun,andyetnofingerprintsonit.
It’snotunfaithfultodrinkabottleofM?etinaspaciousroomwithatrouserpress,lastIchecked.
OnethingRoisinwassureof:thistimeshe’dnottellanyone,orinvolveanyone.
Shepacedtheroom,mobileinagripsotightherknuckleswerewhite.
WhatdidJoecallhimself?A‘dullserialmonogamist’?Adullserialmonogamistwith…amistressinYork?Somethingaboutitbeinghisbirthplacemadeherfeelthiswouldbemorethanaone-off.
AndwhatdidJoeteachheraboutwriting?Apartfromthefactitapparentlylegitimisedalotofshitbehaviour?Goodplotcomesfromcharacter.Ergo,Joebeingahopefulbeggaronanapp,cosplayingsingle,withaprofilethatcouldbescreenshot–nah.He’dthinkthatwasforabsolutemorons.Joepayingforit–nope.He’dsayitwasnotformenofhiscalibre,forsure.Joe,intheyearsofpenurywhenitwasdefinitelyimpossibletobooksuites,andthentheyearsofbeingkineticallybusy,havingtimetostartandmaintainanextra-curricularinanothercity?Implausible.
Joehadbeenalight-to-now-non-existentuserofsocialmedia,sohe’dnotpickedupSideLadythere,either.
Backtocharacter.Hebelievedhimselftobeaserialmonogamistandself-imagematteredtoJoe,howevermuchhewarpedtheTsandCs.
Whocouldhesleepwith,andmaintainhisownfictions?Whowasasomehowmoreethical,lesstraitorousshagforMrOneWomanGuy?
Whodidhesomehowhaveaheadstart,an‘in’with?AfriendofDomandVictoria,hencenotwantingDomtoknow?Didn’tDomhaveafutilecrushonasirencalledAmber,whoinspiredtheGina-alike,Gwen?WasAmber’sadmirerinfact,Joe?Joewasadaredevil,butifso,voluntarilynaminghertoRoisinstretchedcredulity.Itcouldbeher?Withnosurname,Roisinwasupagumtreeineveridentifyingher.
Wait.No.
TheanswercametoRoisinlikemagic,inthatinnervoice,fromnowhere.Or,perhaps,a‘nowhere’thatinvolvedtenyearsofclosestudy.65
TheLastWoman,ofcourse.Beatrice.
WhentheywenttohisschoolfriendJim’swedding,ayearago–theoneofthebeautifulcandidphotograph–Joehadassiduouslyavoidedhisex.HehadpeckedatRoisintoleavethereceptionearly,spenttheeveningstucktoafarwall
‘Rememberwhen’isthelowestformofconversation.
‘Ihaveabsolutelynointerestinsmalltalk,andBeatricewillprobablybequitecuriousaboutyou,’Joehadsaid.‘Ifshesmashesdowntheroséandbuttonholesus,weshouldmakeasharpexit.’
Roisinhadprobedthisaversiontotheircontact,tocheckitwasn’thislingeringfeelings.
‘Godno!It’stheexactopposite:it’ssucholdnewsandIbarelyrememberthattime.She’ssentmechattymessagesdowntheyearsI’veleftonRead,becausewhowantstogetintothat?I’mwaryBeawillgethammeredandmakeabeelineforus,that’sall.Nopun.’
Roisinhadneverquestionedthetermsoftheirbreak-upveryclosely:shedidn’tevenknowhowlongthey’dbeenseeingeachother.Shewasresponsibleanditwastoouncomfortable.Nooneagedtwenty-threeandfallinginlovewantstoponderthecollateraltoohard.
They’dhadagrandtotalofoneconversationaboutit,fizzingwithnervesandnoveltyontheirfirstdateinatapasbar.
Iwasdreadingtellingher,butitwasprettycivilised,onceshegotovertheshock,Joehadsaid.ShewasveryLiveandDieinYork,YorkForever,ifyouknowwhatImean.She’dalreadydeclinedtomovetoManchester–she’llbarelyvisit.Ididn’twanttostaythere,andwe’dreachedacrossroadsanyway.Imean,shewasn’tOVERJOYEDtodiscoveryouexist.Idon’twannapretend.ButIthinksheknewtheendwasnigh.Shewantstostayfriends,andI’llstayfriendly,butnotfriends.
Whoknewifanyofthathadbeentrue.
Thatnightatthewedding,BeatricehadgivenRoisinatleastonelong,enigmatic,borderlineresentfullookacrosstheroom,whenthetablewinewasflowing.Youwerefullyentitledtoresent,andinspect,thewomanheleftyoufor.RoisinonlyhopedBeatriceknewthatnothinghadhappeneduntilsheandJoewerepostfact.
Beahadverystraight,platinum-blondehair,withaswepttothesidelongfringe,astylecutshortenoughshecouldtuckitbehindherear.Shewashipandslender,inanoversizedtortoiseshellnecklaceintheshapeofanautumnleaf,atropical-patternedpantsuitandplatformheels.Shewascool,Roisinthought,andconfident.
Roisinrememberedthinkingshedidn’tlooklikethenervous,parochialgirlthatJoehadpainted,blamingthatonherownstereotypesorthepassageoftime,ratherthananyfaultinhisoriginalaccount.
Meanwhile,Joeplayedhisdiscomfortoffasadvancedboredom.Yetlookingback,Roisincouldseeitwasmorelikefrontingnerves.
Whatifhisreluctancetobeatthatevent,andhisunwillingnesstobearoundBeaspecifically,wasn’tbecauseshedidn’tmatteranymore,butbecauseshedid?
Whatifthe‘she’snevergotoverme’hintsweresomereallyplucky‘foreshadowing’,asJoewouldtermit?Insurance,ifBeaslurred,youdon’tknowthehalfofitintheLadies?
Forthefirsttime,Roisinrealisedshe’dconflatedtwoseparatethingsafterseeingHunter
Therewashavingsexwithsomeoneotherthanyourpartner,repeatedly.Thentherewashavingthatsexwithamerry-go-roundofnear-strangers.Joebeingcunning,fearless,andadeptatthelatterwasalwaysimprobable,andherfriendsrightlycalledoutthatitdidn’tsoundlikehim.Thatpartfeltlikewhatitwas:thesortofhigh-wireanticsthatsustainaTVseriesbutdon’thappenmuchinlife.I’mnoRufusTate,andIdon’thaveanycinematiclicencetocleararestaurant.
ThehighstakesSessoencounterdidn’tstackupasJoe.
Butthatdidn’tmeanJoecouldn’tstillbeguiltyoftheformercrime?Thatcouldstillbethesparkthatlittheflame?
Roisinaskedherself:whatifitwasn’ttonsofwomen,andnotyoungerwaitresseshehadfifteenminutesflattoseduce?Butone,ongoingaffair?JoehadusedhistimeswithBeatriceasinspiration,andembellished.
Roisinsettledonafirmconviction:ifitwasanyone,itwasher.HewasatthathotelwithBeatrice.
RoisinhadbeenfatallyincuriousaboutheandBea’sbeginningandtheirending,andinsuchareasofambiguity,Joethrived.
TherewasonehugeimpossiblechallengefacingRoisin,anditstoodinthewayofsomekindoftruthatlastaboutJoePowell.
GettingBeatricetoadmitit.66
YourDestinationIsTwoHundredYardsAheadOnYourRight.YouHaveReachedYourDestination.
Thetinnyvoiceofthesatnavdidn’tknowhowtrueshespoke.Ithadbeenalongwindingroadsincethescreeningroominastatelyhome.Literallyaswellasfiguratively,forthelasttwohours.YetRoisinfeltshemightfinallybeinsightofsomeclosure.
She’dhadtwominormiraclescomeherway;nowsheneededathird.ThefirstmiraclewasDominicunintentionallycontradictingJoe.ThesecondwasthatBeatriceMcMahon,accordingtoheronlineresearch,ranafloristsincentralYorkcalledBloomsByBea
Roisincalculatedthatmostfloristswereindependentanddidn’tmakeextraordinaryprofits,givingheradecentchanceoffindingtheownerbehindthecounterbeforeclosing.Itwaspreferabletosittingoutsideherhouseinastake-out
She’dpickeduphercarinWebberleyandsetoff,fulloftrepidationandbutterflies,butnoanger,notevenindignance.Whywasshedevoidofwrathatthewomanwholikelyhadhadintimateencounterswithherotherhalf?Afterall,itwasvirtuallycertainthatBeatriceknewabouther,andnotviceversa.
Theobviousexplanationwasbecauseshewasn’tinlovewithJoeanymoreandshewasinlovewithsomeoneelse.ThedeeperonewasthatshefeltsureBeatricehadbeencontractedintoitwithdeceptions.
TheconundrumofcoaxingBeatriceintoadisclosurewithherwassimilartotheSessowaitress:whatwasinitforher?HowdidRoisinleapfrogthegreaterloyaltyBeawouldnaturallyfeelsheowedtothemanshe’dbeenhavingintermittentliaisonswithforadecade?
Afterall,tohavedoneit,shemusteitherbeamoral-lessjackalorprettyterminal-smitten,andRoisinheavilybettedonthelatter.
Havingthoughtandthoughtandthoughtaboutthis,Roisinfiguredshehadonecardtoplay–onlyone.Ifitdidn’twork,ifBeatricewasn’tbroughtonside,shewasdone.Shefeltacuriouspeaceandsatisfactionwiththis,ratherthandesperation.Beatricetellinghertodoonecouldn’tsendRoisinintoatailspinofwhatnext,astherewasnowhatnext
Roisinknewsomethingforsure,anyway.She’dconfirmedtoherselfthatJoehadlied,andshehadnodoubtJoehadcheated.IfBeatricechosenottocorroboratethat,thenOK.Ashame,butitwouldn’tchangehermind.
Plus,ifRoisinwaswrongonspecifics,ifitwasn’tBeatriceatTheRoyal,thenshe’dmadeatitofherself,butnothingmore.Thegoodthingaboutnotgoingingunsblazingwasthatshehadnothingtoapologisefor,exceptwastinghertime.
TheonlypartsheregrettedinthisplanwasthenecessityofdoorsteppingBeatrice,whichwas,ifnotanaggressiveact,thenatleastwithoutBeatrice’sconsent.
Therewasnootherway.MessagingBeatricecamewithsuchanincrediblyhighchanceofBeatricereadingandrereadinghertypedwords,tryingtoassessifRoisinwasforreal.Andinevitably,evenifshelatercametoregretit,snatchingupthephoneandcallingJoeinapanic.Roisincouldn’tbearforJoetogetthejumponher,yetagain.Nexttime,iftherewasone,heneededtobecompletelyambushed.
RoisinhadacasetomaketoBeatrice,andsomepromisescouldonlybemadeinperson.
Sheparkedupinthecitycarparksheknewfromhergirlfriendvisits.God,whatifsheranintoherformerin-laws?She’dbehavingadayout,orsomething
Roisin’sheartrateincreasedtheclosershegottothelocationshe’dlookedatdozensoftimesonGoogleMaps.Shewalkedpastadrycleanersandavapeshopandthewindowsofemptypremises,scouredwithwhorlsofwhitepaint.Shecaughtanamazingwaftofdoughandsugarandsawafashionablebakery.Onfidgetyimpulse,shedartedinsideandboughtsomedoughnuts,straightoutofthefryer.
Then,resumingherwalk,thereitwas:buttercream-colouredsignagewiththenameincurlygreenscript,adoorwaycrowdedwithwoodenpotsofpansiesandachalkA-board,promisingmanymoreplantsinside.
Roisincouldfeelherheartbeatinherneckasshewrenchedopenaheavydoorthatsoundedaloudjangleofold-fashionedshopbell.
Inside,thefloorwasartificialgrass,theceilingaclusterofcreeperslikeaninvadingalienforce,anditsmelledcharacteristicallyofaflorists:dampsoilandfloralmusk.
Beyondthecountertherewasaslight,fairwomanwithglassesonherhead,wearinggloves,snippinglongrosestemswithsecateurs.ShelookedupatRoisin,andfroze.Itwasasifshe’dseenaghost,andRoisinsupposedshewasone.ThePryingLady.
ItwasaboutthreequartersofalltheconfirmationthatRoisinwouldeverneed.SheglancedtoherleftandsawateenagegirlwithaseptumpiercingobservingRoisinandherlightlysteamingbrownpaperbag.
‘Hi.IsItBea?’Roisinsaid,toastill-frozenBeatrice.
Shenodded,inmutehorror.
‘IwonderedifIcouldhaveaquickword,inprivate?’
Amomentpassed.Roisincouldbarelyhavegotmoreofareactionifshe’dflappedacoatopentorevealaholsteredgun.
‘Er…Yeah.Upstairs,’Beatricesaid,inaquaveringvoice.Shecameoutfrombehindthecounter,layingdownhertoolandpeelingoffhergloves,andledRoisinupashortflightofverydeepstepstoatiny,low-ceilingedoffice-cum-storeroom.Ithadanoverflowingdeskandnowheremuchtosit,soRoisinstood.
‘Sorrytobargeinlikethis.IguessyouknowwhoIam:Roisin.Untilveryrecently,IwasJoePowell’sgirlfriend.YouneedtoknowthatIcomeintotalpeace.I’vebroughttheseasanoffering.’SheheldaloftherdoughnutstoabewilderedBea,asifbrandishingadogpoop-scoopsack.‘Nothingyoucansaywillmakemeupsetatyou.I’monlyheretoputmymindatrest.’
Sheplacedthebagonherdesk.
‘Ifyoutellmetopissoff,Iwillpissoffatonce.Thisisemphaticallynotgirl-on-girlviolence.TheonlypersonIwanttoexposeorgetintotroublehereisJoe.Idon’tcareormindwhatyoudid.IonlywanttoproveformyownsakethatInevergotthetruthfromJoe.’
Beatricelooked,understandably,stupefied.AsRoisinhadpredicted,thisannouncementalonedidn’ttipthescalesintoBeareflexivelyunburdeningabouthersexlifetoastrangerwho’dbreezedintoherplaceofworkatfiveo’clockwithsweetpastrygoods(twojamandtworing).
‘OK,so.WhenIwastwenty-three,IworkedwithaguyfromYorkatWaterstone’sDeansgate.Joe,whohadagirlfriendbackhome,here.You.Heflirted.Weflirted,Ishouldsay.Onlyforaboutamonth,sixweeks.I’mnotwithoutguilt.Itwasnevergoingtogoanyfurther,asfarasIwasconcerned,asIknewaboutyou.Ishould’vekeptamorerespectfuldistancethough.’
Roisinsmiledawkwardlyanddrewbreath.Itwasimpossibletotellhowthiswasgoingacross.
‘Thenoneday,hecameuptomeandsaidhewasendingitwithyouinordertoaskmeout.Hetoldmeafterwardsyoutwowereprettymuchontherocksatthetime,youwanteddifferentthings.Youdidn’twanttomovetoManchester.Thebreak-upwasveryamicable.Youwantedtostayfriends,buthedidn’t.Ididn’tfeelfullycomfortableaboutyoubeingdumpedsofastforme,andnorshouldI.Buthemadeiteasynottothinkaboutit.’
Beatrice,albeitnothavingmanyoptionsinthematter,waslisteningsointentlyherforeheadwasfurrowed.
‘Ifthatwastrue,andyouarecompletelyfinewithhowJoerepresentedyoursituation,and…possiblyhaveotherreasonsfordoingwhatIthinkyoudidatTheRoyalhotelafewweeksago,thenthat’sthat.ButIhavethisintuitionthatIgottoldwhatIneededtohearwhenyousplitup.Andthat,perhaps,you’veneverhadatrueaccounteither.Thatalthoughbyrightsweshouldbeenemies,wemighthavesomecommonground.’
Beatricewasperfectlysilent,totallystill.
‘Oralternatively,somewomanhasmarchedinhere,draggedupveryoldnewsforyouandmentionedhotelstaysthatmeannothingtoyou.Inwhichcase,feelfreetopityme.’Roisinsmiled.‘ButIhopeyoudon’tfeelattacked.I’mjusttryingtoputthepuzzlepiecestogether,havingsharedmylifewithsomeonewhowashidinghalfthejigsawfromme.’
‘Uhm,’Beatriceclearedherthroat.
Everythinghunginthebalance.RoisinthoughttheveryfactBeatricehadn’tsaid,whatthehell,getout,indicatedawillingnesstodiscussthis.
‘I…Ihavenoideawhatthisisabout,sorry.I’venotseenJoeinyears.’
Roisinfeltsadness,butnotsurprise.‘Ah,OK.Absolutelyfairenough.Apologiesforthestrangenessofmyapproach.Pleaseenjoythedoughnuts,atleast.’
Beatricenodded.
Roisinsmiledaheartystoic’ssmile,turnedanddescendedcarefullydownthestairs,andsawherselfoutoftheshop,avoidingacknowledgingthecuriosityofBeatrice’sassistant.
Sheclosedthedoorbehindherwithajangle,walkeddownthestreet,inhalingtheearlyeveningairindeepgulpsastheadrenalinereceded.
Well,thatwasthat.Didshebelieveher?Shewasunsure.Notreally.Thatwasn’tthedemeanourofsomeonegenuinelyperplexed,morecornered.
AsRoisinreachedthecarparkandblippedthekeyfobtoopenhercardoor,shefeltahandonherarm.
SheturnedtoseeBeatrice,slightlyoutofbreathfromhavingchasedher,windblowingherhairacrossherface.
‘Roisin.I’msorry.Whenyousaidyou’dwalkawayifIsaidIdidn’tknowwhatyouweretalkingabout,Ihadtoknowyoumeantit,anditwasn’tatrap.Wouldyouhavetimeforaglassofwine?’67
‘IcanhaveoneifI’mdriving,right?’Roisinsaid,smilingatBeatrice,who,despiteproposingthisdrink,lookedstricken.
She’dtakenhertoatinynookofahipsterbarwithcoppersurfaces,PetNatwineanduncomfortablefoldingseats,andgotherselfalargewhite,smallforRoisin.
‘Firstofall.OhGod.’Beatricepressedathereyebrowswithherfingertips.Shewasveryattractiveinadelicate,unmade-up,continentalsortofway.Shehadasmallgapbetweenherfrontteethandlookedlikethesmartandmysteriousloveinterestinthelecturehallinanindiemovie.‘Firstofall,IwastoldyouaskedJoeout.Youseducedhim,threatenedtotellme,andthrewdownagauntlet.Saiditwasmeoryou.Youburnedeveryphotoofustogether,sohehadnopicturesofhisearlytwenties.YouwereaforceofnatureandJoegotdevouredbyyou,hesaid.ArampagingsuccubusinAgentProvocateurlingerie–nomanwassafe.’Beatricerolledhereyes.
‘Fuckoff!’Roisinsaid,inelegantly,mouthhangingopen,thenhootingwithlaughtersoloudthebarmanlookedup.‘Seriously?IwasthegirlinTheMuppetst-shirtwithmajorinsecuritiesandanoverdraft.’
She’dprettymuchexpectedthissortofthing,andyetitwasstillincredible.
‘ItwaswhatIneededtohear,ofcourse.Somemassivelyhotsluthadstolenhim,justbecauseshecould,asthesonggoes.Ro-sheen,Rooo-sheeen.Iusedtocallyou“Rolene”.Ifeelsoashamedandembarrassed…’Beatricesaid.‘CarryingonseeingJoe,onandoff,knowinghewaswithyou–it’stheworstthingI’veeverdone.Todayyouwalkedin,anditwasmynightmarecomingtrue.’
‘That’sme,’Roisinsaid,grinning.‘Avisionfromhell.’
‘Whyareyounotthrowingthatoverme?’BeanoddedatthewineRoisinwassipping.‘Idon’tunderstand.’
‘Becausewhileitwaswrong,younevertoldmeanyliesormadeanypromisestome.Joedid.Iwasthewomanwhostoleyourbloke,andyouowedmenothing.’
‘Itwasstillshit,Roisin.Iknewyoulivedtogether.Ican’tblameitallonhisinventionsandmytrauma.’
Roisinrealisedshe’dsomethingpowerfultoofferBeatriceshe’dnotconsideredorfactoredin,whatsoever.Absolution.
‘Trauma?’Roisinsaid,carefully.
Beatriceswipedherfringetooneside.‘JoeandIgottogetherinsixthform…’
Roisinsuckedinbreathevenatthis,andBeatricenoticed.
‘Ohyeah.Joewasmyfirsteverything.Youdidn’tknowthat?’
‘No.Igot“post-universitycasualthingbecamecomfy,bothofyouknowit’sastarterrelationship”vibe.’
‘Hah,no.We’dhavebeengoingoutsixyears,whenyoumet.Wewereseventeen.’
‘Wow.’
‘IwasnervouswhenhemovedtoManchester.Icouldn’tgotoo,forvariousreasons.Myfloristrycoursewashere,andIneededtosavemoneybylivingwithmyparentsforawhile.Igotsuspiciouswhenhewouldn’ttakemeonyourworknightsout.Ionlyeverwentonone,andItwiggedmuchlaterhe’dpickedatimewhenyouwereaway.’
Roisinnodded.
‘Then’–shetwiddledherwineglassstem–‘hesaidhe’dmetsomeone,andwewereover.Iwasabsolutelyinpieces.ItwasasideofhimI’dnotseenbefore.Mercilessandbrisk.Likehewasrestructuringhiscompany.Henevercried.Notearsatall.’Beatricelookeddownatthetable.‘Ornotinfrontofme,’sheadded.
‘I’msosorry,’Roisinsaid.
Beatriceshookherhead.‘Youhardlyneedtoapologisetome!Thethingis…thisisnoexcuse.ButtogiveyoucontextthatI’mabsolutelysureyoudon’thave.We’dhadanaccident.SixweeksbeforeJoetoldmeitwasover.Ihadatermination.Wethoughtwewerefartooyoung,anditwasneverindoubtthatwe’ddecidewhatwedid,butstill.Itwasanordealwhenwewerelong-distance,andIwasn’tpreparedforhowI’dfeel.Icouldn’tbelievethatsosoonafterhewasfinishingwithmeforagirlhe’dclearlybeenfallingfor,forawhile.Itscrewedmeup,wonderingatthetimelinebetweendashingbacktoholdmyhandattheclinic,andgettingoffwithyou.’
‘Fuckinghell,’Roisinsaid.She’dblithelythoughtJoewasnolongercapableofshockingher.Shewaswrong.
Shewasn’tgoingtolietoherself:hadJoetoldherallthis,andthatheandBeawerestillthrough,andhewantedherinstead,theylikelywould’vegottentogethereventuallyanyway.
Butseeinghowhetreatedhisex,inthesecircumstances–itwould’vebeeninstructiveabouthim.
‘Ibecameobsessedwithyou.Thewayyoualwaysarewithyourrival,inthosesituations,Isuppose.ReadeverythingIcouldseeonline,ransackedJoe’sFacebookfordetails.Iwassojealousofyou,Roisin,itwaslikeadisorder.Ilostastoneandahalf,’Beatricesmiled.‘Itwould’vehelpedifyouweren’tbeautiful,butofcourseyoubloodyare.’
‘Hah.Ithinkyearsatthefrontlineinacomphasagedme,’Roisinsaid.‘Butthankyou.’
Roisinfeltaswellofgenuine,heart-liftingfemalesolidarityatpoolingtheirresourceslikethis.
‘Eventuallyyouweren’tanotherwomantome,whomighthaveyourownstory–youwereamythicalcreature.Joecameback,thatfirstChristmas,withoutyou.Iwasinagroupoffriendswithhimwhowenttothepub.Iwasshakingatseeinghim.Iwasinsuchamess,mentally,thatIbelievedthatthefactthatyouweren’ttheresignifiedthatyouandhimwouldn’tlast.Weendedupgettingdrunkanddoingitinthepubloo.’Beatricecoveredhereyeswithapalm.
RoisinthoughtofJoe’sbrashdismissalofthePetraatSessoaccusation,hismoraloutrage.Allthewhileknowinghehaddonethat,justnotwithPetra.
‘Ithoughtitwasavictory.Ithoughtifhestillwantedme,he’dcomebacktome.Thoseearlydays,Ididn’tfeelguiltyatall.ItwaslikewarfareandIwastakingbackmyterritoryorsomething.Iwassoinlovewithhim.Andverybroken.’
‘Yes,’Roisinsaid.‘ExceptJoewasn’tbroken–hewasexploitingyou.’
Beatricenodded,lookingatRoisinwithpurewonder.ThatJoe’sgirlfriendwouldeverseeitherway,wasunderstandablynotathingshehadeveranticipated
‘Thetroublewas,havingdoneitthatChristmas,whenIsawhimthefollowingEaster,ithappenedagain.Onceyou’vedoneitalready,yourconscienceisalreadydirty.Itbecameathing.Aglitch.Joewasbackintown,onhisown,andwe’dendupinbed.SometimesIwasinarelationship,too,tomyuttershame.Hegotoffonthat.’
‘Howmanytimesdidithappen?’Roisinsaid.‘Idon’tknowwhythatmatters…’
‘No,Igetit.Probablyaboutadozen?Onceayearorso.’
Roisinexhaled.Everyyear.
‘Atfirst,asIsaid,Iwantedhimback.ObviouslyatsomepointIletgoofthatandJoewasmorelikeapoisonIcouldn’tgetoutofmysystem.IthoughtwewerefuckingEmmaandDexterinOneDay,andwewereinfactGroundhogDaywithfucking.’ShelookedatRoisin.‘HowonearthamItreatingyouasanagonyaunt?!’
‘BecauseI’minfactyouragonysister,’Roisinsaid.68
‘Watchinghisseries,Hunter,IknewinmybonesthatithadcomefromsomewhereinJoe’slife.Hegaslitmeandfumedatme.OurmutualfriendsthoughtIwascrazy;that’showgoodaliarheis,’Roisinsaid.‘Butthethrillsinitwerebasedonyourmeet-ups,right?’
Beatricesaid,unabletolookatherdirectly,‘Yes.Irecognisedlotsofit.Somehow,inhishead,Ididn’tcountasbeingunfaithful.Thatshould’vetoldmeIwasworthless,but…’Beatricemadea‘rotatingfingertosideofhead’gesture.
‘Thisisaminorthing,butIhaveathirstforknowledge,’Roisinsaid,andBeatricegrimaced.‘OhGod,no,notaboutthat.Howdidyoucommunicate?I’mcertainJoewouldn’tleaveanytrail.Somuchso,I’veneveroncethoughtofcheckinghisphone.’
‘Oh,hewasveryintothat,you’reright,’Beatricesaid.‘Verystrictaboutit.Whenhefinallyputmeintohisphoneitwasunderhisagent’sname,astheirsecondmobile.Hesaidwehadtouse“London”insteadofYorkorhomeandtocouchitallinwork-speak.Youknow,“areyoufreeformeetingonX,Ineedtogooverthislatestdraftwithyou”,etc.Utterlytacky.’
Sneakingaroundisratherexcitingandbecomesabitofanart.Itwasverymuchpartofwhatmadeitelectrifying.
‘IfinallystoppeditafterJimandLiddy’swedding,’Beatricesaid.‘WhenIsawyouinperson.I’dboughtintosomuchabouthowyouandJoehadthislovelessrelationship,andyouwereafragile,volatilepersonhecouldn’triskleavingbecauseyou’dblowhisfriendshipsapartasrevenge.’
Roisinstruggledtoabsorbtheextentofthetreacheryfromsomeoneshehadloved,whomshe’dthoughthadlovedher.Joewasmultiplepeople,andshelivedwithonlyoneversionofhim.Beaknewanother.
‘I’dknowndeepdowntheywereexcusesforawhile,butI’dmadeamessthatfelttoobigtocleanup,’Beatricesaid.‘ThenIcouldseewithmyowneyesnoneofitwastrue.WhenIsawyouasacouple,youbeinglovelytoeveryone,Icouldtellitwasn’tanact.IrealisedyouwerehisSignificantOtherandIwashisInsignificantOther.Heleanedonmehardnottogothatday,andthepennydroppedastowhy.I’dbeenreally,reallystupid.’
‘Hmmm,Joe’sbeenoffwithmeforaroundayear,’Roisinsaid.‘Iwonderifthatwasthetrigger.’
‘Ithinkhehateslosingcontrolofpeople.Controliswhathecallslove,’Beatricesaid,andRoisinhadtoabruptlyclashherwineglasstoherstoemphasisethenailbeinghitonthehead.
‘Ifitwasover,whatwasthefive-starhotelstayabout?’Roisinsaid.
‘Hesaidhewantedadeadlyseriousdiscussion.Ithoughtmaybeaparentwasillorsomething.Iturnedup,sawthefizzintheicebucketandnevereventookmycoatoff.Itwastheol’razzledazzle.Thefabulousoffertogetbacktogetheratlast.Isaidno.’
Roisinthoughtabouthow,indifferentcircumstances,they’dhavebeenfriends.‘Yousaidno?’
‘Idid.Theattractionhadbeendimmingforalongtime.Whenhesaidthat,IknewforsureIdidn’twantwhatIwantedwhenweweretwenty-threeanymore.Plus,Iknewwhohewas.Whywouldhecommittomeifhe’ddonethattoyou?Myfriendspointedthatout,endlessly.’
Roisinnodded.‘He’dofferedmeafreshstart,relationshipcounselling,andwewerehanginginthebalanceatthetime,’Roisinsaid.‘Iguesshedecidedtoaskbothofusandseewhosaidyes?Ifwebothdid,he’dchoose,orworryaboutthatlater?’
‘Iguess?’Beatricesaid,aghast.‘Iknewwhathedidwithmewasweakandwrong,butit’spathological,isn’tit?’
‘ThethingwithJoeI’velearned,’Roisinsaid,‘isthatwhenyoucatchhiminalie,there’sanewlietocoverfortheoldlie.There’slayersofit.It’slikescrapingawayoldglossandwallpaper.Together,we’vefoundatleastapatchoforiginalbricksandmortar,Ireckon.’SheclinkedherglasstoBea’sagain.
Beatricetwitchedasmile,lookeddownatthetable.‘WhatIdidtoyouisunforgivable.I’msogladtohaveyourforgiveness,butIdon’tdeserveit.’
‘IneededtoknowforsurewhoJoeis,’Roisinsaid.‘Youcould’vesaidnothingandprotectedyourself.Mostpeoplewould.That’sexactlywhatJoereliedon.Instead,you’vebeendecentenoughtotellmethetruth.Thattookguts.Thatdeservesforgiveness.’
‘You’reaprettyextraordinarypersontoseeitthisway,’Beatricesaid,wellingup.Shelaughed.‘Theirony…’
‘What?’Roisinsaid.
‘Alltheseyears,Joebuiltyouuptobeintimidating.Itturnsout,youare.Brilliantlyso.’
Backathercar,RoisinturnedtoBeatrice.
‘DoyoumindmetellingJoewhatIknow,andsayingyoutoldme?Idon’thaveto.’
Beatriceexhaled.‘…God,sure.Havingnothingtohideanymoreissuchagoodfeeling.Ifyouknow,thenhehasnothingtothreatenmewith.Givehimhell.’
Beatricelookedlikeshewasmomentarilyassessingwhethershedared,thenpulledRoisinintoahard,wine-fuelledhug.69
Theformalityofaforwardingaddressformailnowprovidedherwithdrone-strikecoordinates.RoisincheckedherWhatsAppfromJoe,bashedtheflat’spostcodeintohersatnavanddrovestraightfromYorktohisnewplaceinChorlton.
Shepulledupatgoneeightp.m.andthoughthemightwellbeout,onaFridaynight.YetwhenRoisingotoutofthecarshesawhewaswalkingdownthestreet,holdingtwopizzaboxes,chattingwithDominic.ItwasunfortunateforJoethatDomwasthere,yetnotunfortunateenoughtochangeRoisin’splans.
Itmightevenbeusefulforhimtobearwitness.Womenwouldcomeandgo,buthisbestfriendwouldalwayshaveaneyeonJoe.Orsoyou’dthink.
‘Hi,Joe!Hi,Dominic,’Roisinsaid,noddingtothemastheydrewnear.
Theybothlookeddiscomposed.
‘I’vecomefromYork.Hadadrinkwithyourex,Beatrice,’shesaidtoJoe.InamomentRoisinmentallyfiledawayformanyfuturereplays,helookedlikehewasgoingtodropthepizzas.
‘Isay“ex”.Ishouldsay,“othergirlfriend”.Ithinkwhenyoucarryonhavingsexwithsomeonewholovesyoufortenyears,theydeservethesamestatustitle.Don’tyou?’
Joewasfrozenstill.Dominichadeyeslikesaucers.Byrightsheshouldleavethemtoit,yetRoisincouldtellthattheteawassimplytoopipinghotforhimtoresist.
‘IbeggedyoutotellmeifHunterwasbasedonyourlife,andyounotonlysaiditwasn’t,butthatIwasparanoidandnastyforcontemplatingit.ThankstoBeatrice’sstoriesofsexinpubbogs,andevenbehindtheglühweintentataChristmasmarket–yourwillymust’vebeenfreezing–mycuriosityisfinallysatisfied.Amazingscenes.Ontelevision,andoff.’
Joewasstillincapableofspeech.Dominicwordlesslyrelievedhimofthepizzas,perhapsthinkingasRoisinhadthathisPepperoniExtraCheesemighthitthepavement.
‘Beaisagreatwoman,bytheway,anddeservedinfinitelybetterthanyouabusingherdevotionandusingherasyourplaything.’
‘Yeah,thethingis,’Joesaid,soundingweedy,apoorfacsimileofhisusualglibself,‘youendedourrelationship,Roisin.We’renotacouple.Nowyou’resleepingwithoneofourclosestfriends.I’drateyourrighttothrowaccusationsaroundandgetjudgmentalasabsolutelynil.’
‘AverykeythingaboutthesexIamhavingwithMatt…’
Sheletthatbombland,andcrater.Joe,whohaddeclaredhimselfcertainofthisanyway,clearlyhadn’tbeen,ashelookedlikehewantedtobesick.
‘…isthatitstartedafteryouandIhadended.YouandBeatriceweredoingitbehindourbackfromourfirstChristmas.Therehas,infact,neverbeenatimeyouwerefaithfultome.’
Abeatpassed.RoisinwasgratefulDominicwashere,asJoedidn’tquitedareissueafullycallousdismissal.
‘I’mnotsayingI’vebeenanangel,butyoudon’tknowthecontext,’hesaid,inalow,tersevoice.
‘Someofitinvolvesyousupportingherthroughanabortionandleavingherforme,shortlyafter.Don’tworry.Ididn’tcometoyouforanswers.Thenextlayeroflieshavenovaluetome.Ijustwantedtotellyouthatthepowertripyougetfromlying–frompeoplebelievingthingsyou’vejustpulledoutofahatinordertomesswiththem,togetthemtodowhatyouwant–it’sabusive,anditdamageslives.Youneedtostop.’
DominicopenedhismouthandRoisinsaid,‘Don’tbothertotalkacrossmeunlessyouhaveaphenomenallygoodinsight,Dominic.’
Dominicclosedhismouthagain.
‘I’mnotaliar,’Joesaid.‘Iliedaboutthis,becausebeinginlovewithtwopeopleatonceisn’tsomethingyoucangethelpfor.It’swhathappened,anditwaswrong.’
‘Inlovewithtwopeopleatonce,haha.Insideyourheadmustbeaverystrange,coldplace.IwouldtalktosomeoneprofessionalifIwereyou.ButthankGodI’mnot.Lastly,I’dneverhavebeenwithyouifIknewaboutBeatrice,andyouknewthat.Youstoleconsentfromme.Youstoletenyearsofmylifefromme.Ourwholetimetogetherwasaformoffraud.’
Joecouldbarelymeethereyes.Dominicnolongerlookedlikehewantedtosayanything.Henolongerlookedlikesomeonewho’dtakeJoe’sside.Hewasstaringsidelongathim.
‘Soyeah,Iwilltakeyourhalfofourproperty,Joe–thanksforthat.Itdoesn’tcomeclosetowhatyouoweme.Whichismyfreedom,fromyourmendaciousshit,backwhenIwastwenty-three.Goodbye.’
Sheturnedtowalkbacktohercar.
‘Hey.Theremightbeanunexpectedplottwistinthis,foryou,’Joecalled.
‘Tryme,’Roisinsaid,stillwalking.
‘Outofallourfriends,oneofthemknewaboutBeatriceandme.Imagineifthatonepersonhadagreednottotellandkeepmysecretforme.Iimagineyou’dfeelprettybetrayedbythatfriend,right?Choosingme,overyou?’
Roisinmadeashruggestureandproducedhercarkeyfob,whileherheartraced.
‘GoaskMattMcKenziewhyyoudidn’tdeservetoknow.I’msurehe’llkeephiswhiteknightcredentialsintactthroughthat.’
Roisinbetrayednoemotion,despiteherqueasyshock.‘Youareonespitefulbastard,aren’tyou.’
‘Justintroducingsomebalancetothenarrative.Inconvenienttoyourworldview,buttherewego.OnethingI’dliketoknow,inreturn,’Joesaid,assheunlockedthecardoor.‘Howdidyoufindout?IknowBeawouldn’thavetoldyou.’
‘Iturneddetectiveagain.I’llletyouworkitout.Youwritethestories,don’tyou?Thingis,Joe,ifyouplaytheodds,soonerorlater,youwin.’Shehesitated.Alastrollofthedice.Aneatwayofshowinghisbestmatethatnoonewassacred.‘Oh,andDominic,canIaskyousomething?What’sVictoria’sclosestfriendcalled?’
‘Er.Closestfriend?Mywife’s?…Jess.’
‘NotAmber?Youdon’tknowanAmber?’
Dominicfrowned.‘Er.No?Amber?ShouldI?Who’sthat?’
‘IthinkIwilltakeitthatyourcharacter“Gwen”wasbasedonGina,then,’RoisinaddressedagloweringJoe.‘Butshouldn’tVichaveabestfriendcalledAmber,whoDominic’sgotasecretobsessionwith?’
‘What?!’Dominicsaid.
‘I’llletyoumakesomethingelseuptocoverforthatone,Joe.Enjoyyourpizzas.’70
Roisinletherselfinwiththekeythat,onlyhoursago,hadfeltlikesuchalastingpledge.Sheplaceditonthecoffeetableinsteadofbackinherbag,inatinyactofpessimismanddefeat.
‘Thereyouare,Ileftyouavoicemail.Iwasgoingtoaskif—AreyouOK?’Mattsaid,seeingRoisin’smurderouscountenance.
Hesnappedthehobringoff,pointedhisphonetoturnthemusicdown.
‘IfoundoutwhoJoewasgoingbehindmybackwith.Hislong-termex,whoheoriginallyleftmefor,Beatrice.InYork.Imetupwithher,heardallaboutitandhadashowdownwithJoe,justnow.Whichfeltlikeclosingthedooronit,onmyterms.’
Sheleftapause,letMattnod.Shecouldseehewasapprehensive.
‘…Exceptrightatthelastminute,hetoldmeareallyawfulthing.Hesaidyouknewallalong.Tellmeitisn’ttrue,Matt.’TearsstartedtoslidedownRoisin’sface,andshewipedthemaway.‘I’veprayedallthewayhereyou’regoingtotellmeit’snottrue.You’regoingtosayitistrue,aren’tyou?’
Sheknewithadtobe.ItmadenosenseforJoetouseitunlessheknewit’dpayoff.
‘Thattotalbastard,’Mattsaid.
‘Don’tdothat!’Roisinshrieked,emotionbreakingfree.She’dhadtostayincharacterwithJoe;shecouldn’tmanagethatnow.‘Don’tturnitintoaYouVersusHim!Thewholepointisyou’rebetterthanhim,Matt.’
‘Iknewaboutoneincident.Whenwe’dbeabouttwenty-six.Notthroughchoice.’
Roisinslumpedagainstthewall.Sheshould’veknownthis,thetwoofthemtogether,wastooperfecttobetrue.Herlifeneverworkedoutthatway.
Theflatwasquietandthecitynoises,alongwaydown.
‘Oneevening,Igotapocketdialfromhim.Iansweredthecall.Ididn’thearmuch,butenoughtogetthegistitwasnotmeanttobeoverheard.HewascallingherBea.’
‘Youheardhimactuallyhavingsex?’Hunter.He’dusedthisinHunterOfcourseJoehad.Thewholethingwasacrimescenewiththosenumbermarkersnexttoeachexhibit.
‘No,’Mattsaid,‘butasgoodas.Icouldtellitwasapossibilityinthenearfuture,putitthatway.Imessagedhimandaskedwhatwasgoingon.Hescrambledtomeetmeforapintanddidthewholenumberabouthowitwasamistake,hewasknockingitontheheadimmediately.Don’truinwhatIhavewithRoisin,she’stheloveofmylife.MyfuturekidsareerasingfromtheBacktotheFuturefamilyphotoaswespeak.HeapedalltheresponsibilityontomeifItoldyou.Pleadedandbeggedandleanedashardashecouldonourfriendship,whichexistedalittlemorebackthen.’
‘Youknewshewashisex?’
‘Yeah,hetoldmethatmuch.Exgoingthrougharoughtime,whohereallyfeltfor.Hehadstupidlylethimselfbedraggedbackintoherorbit.Aone-offetc.Youknowwhatafastandplausibletalkerheis.’
‘Didyoubelievehim?’
Mattpaused.‘…Forthereasonsithappened?No.Ididn’t.I’dheardhowhewasspeakingtoher.IthoughtJoewasthesameguywho’dscrewedmeover,soofcoursehewasdoingittoyou,too.Ihopedbeingcaughtandrealisingwhathewasriskingwouldshakehimtohissenses.Ibelievedhewasdesperatenottoloseyou.’
‘Imeant,didyoubelievehimthathe’dstop?’
Mattinhaled,heavily.‘Ihopedhe’dvaluethesecondchance.Iwasn’tsure.’
‘Thesecondchance,thatyougavehim.YouknewwhoJoewas,butleftmeinthedark?’
‘Roisin,whatwasmytrackrecordonsuccessfullyinterferinginotherpeople’sbusiness,atthispoint?Ifyou’dstayedwithJoe,wouldeitherofyouwanttokeeptheguywhoblewthewhistleinyourlives?Yes,itwasselfish,butIcaredaboutyoutoomuchtoloseyouoversomethinghedid.’
‘Whydoesitfollowthatyouwould?Iwouldn’thavehelditagainstyoufortellingmethetruth,whateverIdecided.’
‘It’snotthatsimple,isit?Joewould’vewheedledhiswayoutofitandyoutwowould’vepatcheditup.I’dhavebeenyourguy’smortalenemy.You’dhavephasedmeout,droppedmeoffinvites,becauseitwastootrickynotto.There’snowayIstayedinyourlifeasacoupleaftergettingembroiledinthat.Joewould’vemadesureofit.’
‘It’sirrelevantanyway,asIcantellyouIwouldn’thavestayedwithhim!’
‘Yousaythatnow–JoecouldtalkhimselfoutofaRussianprison.’
RoisinthoughtofwhatMattsaidaboutherlikingMeanBoys.Underneaththisperhapswasthetyrannyoflowexpectations.MaybeshedeservedthoselowexpectationsafteradecadeoffailingtoseeJoeforwhohewas.Butshecould’vehadthiswake-upcallsixyearsago,ifMatthadbeenthehonourablepersonshethoughthewas.
‘Inshort,youdidn’tthink,doesRoisindeservetoknow,doesRoisinneedtoknow?Youthought,whataremyinterestshereandhowaretheybestserved?’
‘IfIcouldgobackandchangeit,olderandwiser,Iwoulddoitinaheartbeat.Atthetime,Iwasfreakedoutandjustthoughtnooneprospersfromgettinginvolvedinotherpeople’srelationships.Notwhentheyhavefights,andnotwhentheymakeup.It’sbetweenthecouple.’
‘Idon’tunderstand:Joegoadedyouandinsultedyou,endlessly.Didn’theworryyou’dsay,yeahwell,I’lltellyourgirlfriendwhatIknow?HowwasJoesosureyouwouldn’t?’
‘Hah.Asyoumayhavegathered,Joeisafuckinggreatliar.Worldclass.Itwassuchaboldmove,antagonisingmeandportrayingmeasthecad.Hecanreadpeopleveryclosely.Oncewewereyearsoutfrommydiscovery,heknewthatIknewI’dloseyouasafriendifItoldyou.Imagineit?“Oh,bytheway,nowhe’swoundmeupsufficientlyIfeelmotivatedtoblowyourlifeuptogeteven”?You’dhavemaybedumpedhim,butdefinitelytoldmetogettofuck.HeknewIwasn’tgoingtoriskthat.Hewassafe.Therewasatimelimitonmytellingyou.’
‘YouknowwhatIcan’ttolerate,Matt?IfI’dfoundthisoutsomeotherway,someothertime,I’dhearyououtonJoeputtingyouinanimpossibleposition.ButearlierthissummerIcametoyou,asafriend,inconfidence,mymindallovertheplaceandsaid,“IthinkJoemightbecheatingonme.”Youwereanally.SomeoneIcouldconfidein.Youofferedtohelpme.HaveyougotanyideahowstupidandbetrayedIfeelthatthewholetime,youweremerelyplayingalong?Humouringme?’
‘Isawthatasatonement,notplayingalong!IdidwhatIcouldtofindoutthetruthforyou.Iwantedyoutofindout,foryourself.’
‘Butyoucould’vetoldmerightthen!’Roisinsaid.‘Thatwasyoursecondchance!You’resayingitdidn’toccurtoyou?Whileyouwerestrollingmyvillage,pretendingtothinkitover,saying,ahwell,yeahthatsoundssussasfuck,Rosh,butwhocansay.’
‘That’strue,’Mattsaid,‘Ishould’verethought.Instead,Ithoughthelpingyouwastherightwayforittocomeout.’
‘WhatifI’dsaidtoyou,“Iwaswrong:Joedidn’tcheat,I’vegrovelledmyapologiestohim,andwe’rebacktogetherandengaged”?Wouldyouhavesaid,woahthere?’
Mattraisedanddroppedhisshoulders.‘I’dhavebeengutted,butthatwould’vebeenyourchoice,presumablyforallsortsofreasons.HowcouldIhaveinterfered?’
‘Youwashedyourhandsofme.’
‘Doesitlooklikemyfeelingstowardsyouhaveeverbeengettingshotandwalkingaway?’
‘DoyouknowwhatIthink?Ithinkyouwereperfectlyawareyoucouldtellme,’Roisinsaid.‘Ithink,onceagain,youputyourinterestsfirst.Therewasnogloryintellingmeatthatpoint,onlydifficultyforyou.MuchmorekudosingoingtoSesso.’
‘Glory?’Mattsaid,recoiling.‘YouthinkIwantedrewardsfromhelpingyou?That’saprettygrimthingtoaccusemeof.DoyoushareJoe’sopinionofme?’
‘Honestly?Idon’tknow,’Roisinsaid.‘Anhourago,I’dhavesaiditwasimpossibleyoucouldfindouthewasshaggingaroundonmeandagreewithhimthatyou’dkeepitfromme.’
‘Doyouknowwhat?You’reessentiallyangrywithmefornottellingyouwhoyourexwas,’Mattsaid,angryhimselfnow.‘Youonlyhadtopayattention.Joewasn’tnice,Roisin.Notthen,notnow.Itwasn’tsomeoneelse’sjobtotellyouthat.’
ThiswasasharpjabatRoisin’sweakestpoint.TheonethingaboutJoePowellshe’dneverresolve:howshe’dmissedit.Shefeltdeepconfusionandshame.
‘SoI’mastupidgirlfornotspottingit?It’sthevictim’sfault?It’sthewoman’sfault?’
‘That’snotwhatIsaid,andyouknowitwasn’t.Don’tplayhisgames.’
‘Hisgames?!’
Mattshookhishead,foldedhisarmsandstaredatthecouch.‘Idon’tknowhowyou’remakingsomeonewhoreceivedanunwantedphonecall,andJoe,thesameperson.Oneofthesethingsisnotliketheother.’
‘Ithoughtyouweretheonewhotoldmethetruth.I’mdonewithmenwholietomeandrationaliseitafterwards.Nomatterhoweloquenttheexcusesare.Nomatterhowgoodtheyareatturningitbackontomeintheanalysis.Yoursparekey’soverthere.’
Shesawherselfout,andhedidn’tstopher.71
BRIANCLUB
Dev
Newmessage
ping
Newmessage
ping
Newmessage
ping
Roisinputdownherroller.ShewaswearingpyjamasinsideoutandherhairbundledupintoaSainsbury’sbagtokeepitfrompaintflecks.
She’dtriedheadscarvesinthepast;theylookedmoreappealingandyetdidn’tkeepherpucehairlinesafeenough.Thethingaboutbeingsinglewas,therewasnoonetoseeherlookinglikeaMarsAttacksalienwithaplasticshopperonherhead.
Roisinwipedherhandsonaclothandpickedherphoneup.Shebestnotswitchtovideocallbyaccident.
Shewasintheprocessofturningthechapel-shapedopen-planreceptionroom‘LampBlack’byLittleGreene.ItwasadramaticshadethatJoehadonceuponatime,refusedtosignoffon,makingitfeellikeadefinitivebreakwiththepast.Itwasalsoadefinitivebreakwithgoodtaste.Three-quartersofthewaythroughtheproject,shehadtoadmititmight’vebeentheonethingJoewasrightabout.Ithadrecreatedashopwherethey’dburnincenseandtrytosellyouHimalayansaltcandlesthatlookedlikelumpsofearwax.ShecouldimagineMattsayingsurelythereareeasierwaystoopenaportalforTheWickedOne.
Matt.
BeingbusyhelpedbanishMattMcKenziefromhermind.Whenmasking-tapingedges,swappingherbrushsizesforthecorners,shedidn’tthinkaboutthecontoursofhisfaceasmuch.Orhishandsonherbody,orhowitfeltwhenhekissedher,oranyintimatemomentthatthey’dsharedthatwasunhelpfultothedecisionshe’dregretfullymadethattheywerenomore.
Itwasthewalksshecouldn’tforgive,shethought,handwaveringwhileshewasdraggingbristlesalongtheskirtingboard.Atableaktimeinherlife,thoseramblesthroughthewoodshadsavedhersanity.Yetthewholetime,Mattwasadoubleagent.Hecould,asshe’dsaid,haveendedherdoubtsoverJoethereandthen.Buthehelditback,madeafoolofher.
God,she’deventoldhimabouthershort-livedboutofmisery-promiscuityinherteens.Thatwashowmuchshe’dtrustedMcKenzie.
WhatdidGinasay?Ifeelnakedaroundhimanyway,sooncehe’dliterallyseenmenaked,itwasmorethanIcouldtolerate.
Yes,that.Herportinastormhadturnedouttobemorestorm.
SheopenedthemessagesonBrianClub.
Dev
GUESSWHODIDN’TGOTOSOLLER
PLEASESAYCONGRATSTOTHENEWMR&MRSDOSHI!
TherefollowedtwophotosofDevandAnita,oneaselfieofthemholdinguptheirringfingerstothecamera,anotheroutsidetheLittleWhiteWeddingChapelinLasVegas.
WhileRoisinwasmarvellingatthis,anothermessagearrived.
Dev
Forgivethesurprise,wedecidedtogoforit.Ifweweren’twaiting,thenwhywait.HOWEVER.Ifyouthinkyou’vedodgedcelebratingwithusyou’dbewrong<3
GotacancellationslotattheMidlandHotel**nextFriday**GETYOURGLADRAGSONFOROURWEDDINGRECEPTION!
Meredith
MANIACS
Iamlaughingoutloudatmydesk.
HoweversadlynextFridayIhavecinematickets.Havefunxx
Gina
Metoo,samefilm.ItstarsTheRockandSirIanMcKellen.Whatashame.Congratsguys!Xx
Roisin
DEV&ANITA–THISISAMAZING!Mr&Mrs!Wonderfulnews<3
However,IneedtobeinforE.ontoreadthemeteronFridaynight.Gutted.Xx
Anita
BADBADBITCHES
Dev
Snakeseverywhere,MrsDoshi.Justuandmenowhunxoxo
Joe
(Assumingthegirlsarejoking)butIgenuinelyhavetoflytotheStatesontheWednesdayprior.SosorryHaveagreatday,guys,congratsandseeyousoonXx
Roisincouldn’tdenyshewasrelievedatnotsharingaballroomwithJoe’sseethingdiscontent.Nordidshewanthimintuitinghe’dsucceededatblowingherandMcKenzieapart.Hmmm.
She’dtriednottothinkabouthow,innotforgivingMatt,shewasdancingtoJoe’stune.
Dev
Noworriesmate,weknowwe’rechancingithere–wefiguredthatifanyonecan’tmakeit,we’llhaveaseparatecelebrationwiththem.SafetravelXx
Onceshe’dfinishedpainting,RoisinmessagedMeredithandGinaseparately.
HasanyonetoldDev&AnitaaboutmeandJoe?Ithinkhe’dcallmestraightaway,soguessingnot?
Meredith
No!
Roisin
GivenJoe’snotgoingtobethere,easiertoleavethatnowuntilafterhiskneesup?
Meredith
Goodthinking
Gina
AlsoIrangMattassoonasIgotthemessagefromDev,andhadaREALLYgoodchat.He’lldefinitelybecomingtothereception.Hedoesn’twanttorejointheWhatsAppgroupfornowbecauseoftheheatwithJoe,buthe’sbasicallybackonboardforeventswithouthim.Feelsreallygoodtohavemadeup.
Roisinwishedherfulsome,positiveresponsetothiswasn’tsofalse.ItwasclearMatthadn’ttoldGinawhathadhappenedbetweenthem,andnorhadshe.SheandMattwereoverbeforethey’dbegun,sowhatwasthepoint?She’dtellthegirlsoneday,butcouldn’tfaceitrightnow.Havingfelttheneedtodiscloseakiss,shewasfarmoreresignedaboutneglectingtomentiontheirhavingdonemuchmore.Lifemovesprettyfast.
NorhadshetoldherfriendsaboutJoeandBeatrice;thatcouldwait,too.
Ironyuponirony:GinawasoverjoyedthatMattwasfreetocomebacktotheBrians,butRoisinknewnowheneverwould.
ThiswaswhereRoisinandMattwouldbeforever,then:decodinginformationpassedbetweenthirdparties.Oof–whileshe’dacceptedthere’dprobablybeoccasionsshe’dhavetosocialisewithJoeandNewMrsJoe(Godhelpher),MattandNewMrsMattwasgoingtobetorment.
RoisininspectedthequantityofGothpaintleftinhertinandsighedheavily
‘I’mgoingtoneedagooddress,’shesaidaloud,toamostlysoot-colouredroom.72
Roisinpickedupablacksatincourtshoefromtheboxwithtissuepaper,examiningitwithresentfulsuspicion.Theheelwaslikeachopstick.Shepushedherfootintoitandnoticedhowawkwardandlesscomfortableshewas,andhownicethesilhouetteofherleglookedwithhercalfmuscletensed.
Bloodywomen’sfashion.
She’dbookedaroomatTheMidlandtogetreadyfor/crashoutaftertheDoshinuptials,andifshewashonest,haveaplaceofretreatfromthepartyifitgottoomuch.Theelectricsattheapartmentwereplayingup–shecouldn’tbringherselftocallCormac–andthewholeplacesmelledofpaint.
Shedidn’tknowifMattwasbringingadate.Itwouldbeabitmuch,afortnightaftertheypartedways,butequallyshedidn’texpecthisdatingpatternstofollowearthboundritualsandhedidn’towehernotto.
Roisinhadcompletelyfailedtofindadressfortonight,whichwasunsurprising,givenshewaslookingforamagicalsuitofarmourfor￡150-200max.Shewantedthebeholdertoseeastylish,confident,yetnottits-forwardwomanwhocouldrisetotheoccasionwithoutactuallytrying,becauseshewastoocoolforthat.
Afterapproximatelyseventeenonlineoptionswerereturned,Roisinwentwithablacksequinminidressshe’dhadsinceforever,teamedwithblackopaques,whichwouldhaveLorrainesaying,Idowishyou’dtryapopofcolourinsteadofthisWorstWitchthing.
Thenewfootwear,atleast,wasawayofannouncingshewasstillbattleready
Roisinappreciatedtheironythatshe’dneveronceworriedaboutwhatMattMcKenziethoughtshelookedlikeinclothes,untilafterhe’dseenheroutofthem.
SharingaballroomwithhimwaswhatWendyCopelandwould,again,callNFI.Thatshequiveredatthethoughtoflockingeyeswithhimwasethicallyandpracticallyirrelevant,however!
Roisincouldn’texpectherattractiontohimtovaporiseovernight,soshe’dsimplyhavetowaitforittocatchupwithherintellect.Shewaslikelytofindexceptionalforgivenessforsomeonebeautifulshe’dspentthebestnightofherlifewith.Whocouldsay.
Idon’tknowhowyou’remakingsomeonewhoreceivedanunwantedphonecall,andJoe,thesameperson.Oneofthesethingsisnotliketheother.
Sheincreasinglyfoundithardtodenythetruthofthis.
Wasshedisappointed?Yes.But…didMatthaverightstobedisappointedinher,fornotseeingthroughJoeforsolong?
AsRoisincheckedhereyemake-upforthefifthtimeintheunstintingmagnificationofthecircular,barber’sshopmirrorinthehotelbathroom,aninnervoicewhisperedthatnowtheangerwithMatthadlargelygone,whatremained,mightnotbedisappointment,somuchasfear.
HerheadknewthatJoePowellwasarareaberration,herheartwasn’tsoreadytoacceptit.ThethoughtthatMattmighthidethingsfromher…?Tryingnottoflinchwhenhisphonerippledwithmessagesfromadmirers?Forcingherselftoneverevercheckhe’ddeletedthedatingapps?
So…youwon’tgivehimanotherchancebecauseyoulikehimtoomuch?saidtheinnervoice.Roisintoldittoshutup.
Herphonepinged.Meredith,GinaandAaronwerehereandwaitingforherinthelobby.
Asshedescendedinthelift,gibberingterrortookover.WhatifMattHADbroughtadate?WhatifitwasHighPonytailIvyLegsfromfesta?
Roisin,shesaidtoherselfsternly.InthewordsofLorraine,agripshouldbefuckinggotten.
Downstairs,shegreetedthegroupandcouldquicklyseethatAaronwasadelight:aslim,curlyhairedladinanavysuitwhosmiledbroadlyateveryone.HemustadoreGina,towalktheplankofmeetingallherfriendsthissoon,Roisinthought.
‘Wow.You’dneverknowthatDevandAnitahaddaystopreparethis?!’Ginasaid,astheyenteredahotelballroomfullofwhiteballoons,whiteflowersandtwohugelightbulb-illuminatedletterinitials.
Meredithwhispered,‘That’dbeathingcalledmoney,’tothem.
‘WOMEN.Notice,A&D,notD&A,veryimportanttome,’saidAnita,seizingholdofthem.Shewasinasapphire-colouredgownwithawaterfallcapeattachedtoitandlookedlikethebenevolentqueeninasciencefictionfilm.Screamingwithdelightatthesightofherensued.
‘Comeseethis,’Anitasaid,beckoningthemovertoacornerdisplayofphotographsofherandDevaskids,ontheirfirstdate,foreignholidays.RoughlyinthecentrewastheoneoftheBrianClub,tenyearsago,andtheoneatBenbarrowHall.
Roisingazedatitandthoughtaboutthedistancebetweenthosetwoimagesforher.ShelookedatJoe,hidinghisface,andMatt,bothpushedoutandkeepingadistance,andthought,itwasalwaysalltherefromthestart,ifyoulookedforit.
TheriddleofJoePowellwasn’tThenJoeturningintoNowJoe.Hedidn’tchange;theircircumstancesdid.
Meredithfoundherhand,withoutanyonenoticing,andsqueezedit.
‘Fancyfindingadrink,MissWalters?’Meredithsaid,andRoisinsaid,‘Fuck,yes.’
Anhourafterthedostarted,Roisinsawhimfromadistance.Helookedfashionableasalwaysinafawn,needlecordsuitthatwouldhavehadTerencerememberingwhyhehatedcomingintoManchester.TheroomwaslargeenoughforthemtokeeparespectfuldistanceandRoisingatheredthey’ddothat,ratherthanspeak.
Atonepoint,chattingwithagood-lookingcousin,shecaughtMatt’seyeacrosstheroomandtheysharedalookthatRoisincouldn’treallydecipherbeyondahard,mutualouch
*
–>

Asthenightentereditslaterhours,shesensedMatthadgone.Occasionallittleheart-stoppingglimpsesofhimdwindledtonone.
Sodtheseshoes,Roisinthought,shewasgoingtoswitchtotheflatsshehadinherroom.Herinnervoicesaid,he’snothere,nobodytoimpress,huh?andsheinternallythundered,SHUDDUP
Asshestoodbytheliftsandfumbledforherkeycardinherbag,sheheard,‘CanIhaveaquickword?’
ShelookeduptoseeMatt.Beingbooze-worndidn’tmakeiteasier:shehadnoideawhattosay.
Heledherthroughthefoyer,beyondtherevolvingdoor,ontothehotel’sfrontstepbytheHackneyrank.Sherubbedherarmsinthenocturnalchill.Autumnwascoming.Otherthanthat,shehadnoideawhatwascoming.
‘Iwon’tkeepyouaminute,’Mattsaid,handsinsuittrouserpockets.‘OK,so–I’mtellingyouthisnotbecauseIexpectittochangeanything,orbecauseIthinkitcastsmeinabetterlight.It’shonestyforhonesty’ssake.IaskedmyselfwhyIdidn’ttellyou.Youknow,thereasonbehindthereasonsI’dtoldmyselfatthetime.Idon’tthinkIreally,deepdown,thoughtyou’dditchmeasafriend.Youwererighttocallbullshitonthat.It’snotinyournature.ItwasbecauseIdidn’ttrustmymotives.’
‘Isee,’Roisinsaid,notyetseeing.
‘…I’dwantedyoutoleaveJoefromdayone,sohereIwas,beinghandedawaytomakethathappen.Icouldn’tbesurewhattodobecauseitwassocloudedbymyowninterests.Itoldmyselfthereforethatsteppingbackwasthepureandnoblestroute.’Mattdrewbreath.‘You’reabsolutelyrightthatmydecisionmakingwasallaboutme,notyou.Onceagain,myegoandself-imagewererunningtheshow.Ishouldhaveputyoufirst,askedmyselfwhatyou’dwantmetodo,andIdidn’t.AndIshould’vetoldyouwhatIknewwhenyoufinallysaidyouhadyourfears.Iwantedtolookbetterinyoureyes,asyousaid.I’llalwaysregretthat.’
Roisinnodded.
‘…Butitwasn’tinhopeofanyreward.Youcanhatemeforeverythingelse,butdon’thatemeforthat.Iwasalongwaypastthinkingyou’deverseemeasanythingbutafriend.That’sthetruth.’
Roisinhadnothingpreparedinreply.‘OK.Thankyou,’shesaid.‘Ibelieveyou.’
Intheensuingsilence,Mattadded,‘Night,Roisin.’HeturnedandwalkedawaywithoutRoisinknowingwhattosaytostophim,orifsheshould.
ShewentbackintoTheMidland,forgettingshewasgoingtochangehershoesoreventhatthey’dpinchedasshewanderedbackintotheballroom.
‘Hey,theresheis!’Devsaid,atsightofRoisinatthedoor.‘CanIhavethisdance,MissWalters?’hesaid.Eveninthemeleeathisownwedding,Devwasdisplayinghisextraordinaryemotionalsonarthatcoulddetectsomeonefeelingalittlelost.RoisinhadneverbeensogratefultobewrappedinaDevhugandspunaround.
AfterafewturnstoJoeCocker’s‘YouAreSoBeautiful’,Devsaid,‘Listen,’leaningin.Hecheckedbehindthemtobesuretheyweren’tbeingoverheard.‘IknowI’mnotsupposedtoknowaboutthis.I’mnotgoingtotellanyoneelse;I’venoteventoldAnita.Hedidn’tintendtotellme–yournamecameupandhegotupset.Feelfreetotellmetopissoffoutofyourbusinessforsayingthismuch,Rosh.ButImetupforadrinkwithhimandwehadamassivehearttoheart.He’sabsolutelyheadoverheelsinlovewithyouandsosorryhehurtyou.He’saverygoodperson,youknow.IknowItendtoseethepositivesaboutpeople,buthereallyis.Ifyougavehimanotherchance,Ican’tseeyouregrettingit.That’sall.’
‘That’ssoniceofyou,Dev,’Roisinsaid.‘ButthethingaboutJoeis,he’sreallyskilfulatbeingthepersonthatthesituationdemands.Ipromiseyouthatwhateverhe’stoldyou,it’stonsmorecomplicatedandmoreuglyinreality.Idon’twantyoutofeelyouhavetotakesides,buttrustme,we’rebetteroffapart.’
Devsmiled.‘I’mtalkingaboutMatt.’
Someoneelsecutin,andDevleftRoisinstandingonthedancefloor,lookingcomicallystunned.73
Roisinwasrousedfromdeepsleepbycaterwauling.Sheopenedhereyesandgazedatthedrum-shapedlampshadeinthegloaming.Shedidn’tknowifithadhappenedinherdreamorinthewakingworld.Bymutualagreement,thisSundaywasherlastnightatTheMallorybeforeshesettledbackintoWestDidsburyandfacedanewschoolterm.
‘ROISIIIIIIIIN!Roisiiiiiiin?’
Roisinsatboltupright,sweatformingatthenapeofherneck.Shegraspedforthehairbobbleshealwayskeptonthebedsidetable.
‘ROISIN!’
Sheleapedoutofbedandpaddeddownthecorridor,almostlettinggoofascreamatthesightofhermother,inhersilknightdress,slumpedinaheapinthehallway.
‘What’swrong?’
‘I’minquitealotofpain,’Lorrainesaid,clutchingherabdomen,asRoisinpulledherhairintothebandtogetitoutofherpale,half-sleptface.‘It’smystomach.’
Shetookinhermother’slemon-coloured,dampcomplexionand,torealfright,whatlookedlikeapileofvomitnearby.
‘I’llcallanambulance,’Roisinsaid.
‘Idon’tknowifweneedtogothatfar.I’llbealright…Calltheothernumberwheretheytellyouwhattodo,’Lorrainesaid.
ShetriedtomoveandinvoluntarilymadeanoisewhichtippedRoisinfrom‘extremelyagitated’to‘actuallyveryscared’.
‘DON’T–staythere,’Roisinsaid,runningtoherroom,grabbinghermobile,yankingitfromthechargerandtappingthe999which,attheageofthirty-two,feltsurrealtofinallyuse.
Someoneelse’sdaughterhadcalledtheambulanceforherdad.
‘Operator.Whichemergencyservicedoyourequire?’
‘Ambulance–it’sformymum–we’reatTheMallorypubinWebberley,justoffthehighstreet…’
Shegabbledtheaddresstwiceandthingsaboutstomachpain,confirmingthathermumwasconscious.
‘Theambulanceiscoming,staystill,’Roisinsaid,runningbackdownthehall.
‘Thankyou,’Lorrainesaid.Thatshedidn’tobjectfrightenedRoisinoutofherwits.
‘Whendidthepainstart?’shesaid.
Apause.
‘…You’regoingtobeangrywithme.’
‘Angrywithyou?Why?’
‘I’vebeenhavingpaininmygutsforawhile.’
‘Howlong?’
‘Months.I’vegobbledibuprofenlikeit’sgoingoutoffashionandsoldieredon.Youknowme.It’slikeLizTaylorsaid.“Pouryourselfadrink,getyourlipstickonandpullyourselftogether.”’
‘MUM!What?!Soyoudidn’tgotothedoctor?’
‘No.’
‘Butyourbiopsy?Thebreastlump?’
‘Itoldafewwhitelies.Iwasfeelingpoorly.’
‘Noneofthathappened?Youinventedacancerscare?’
‘Iknewyou’dnevercomebackhereifyoudidn’tthinkIwasill!Iwantedtoseeyou.Itoldyouitwasclear;Ididn’tworryyou!’
Roisinwasspeechless.
OnlyLorraineWalterscouldsay,sorryIinventedapossiblecancerandaninvestigationthatneverhappened,butpleasebeappreciativeIalsoinventedanallclearthatneverhappened.PS:Iamseriouslyunwellanyway.
‘Butyouwereill!Youjustweren’tdoinganythingaboutit!’
‘Idon’twanttobeanoldsickpersonorhaveabaldhead,Roisin!I’dratherbemeornotatall.’
Lorraine’sfacecontortedasawaveofpainrolledoverher,andawaveofpanicinRoisin’sstomachfolloweditstrajectory.
‘Areyouseriouslysayingyou’dratherbedeadthanbald?!’Roisinsaid.
Lorrainetriedtoadjustherselfonthecarpetandwinced.‘LikeIsay.Ididn’twantfuss.Ionlywantedtoseeyou.’
‘Wantedthebarshiftsfromme,morelike,’Roisinsaid,rollinghereyesandtryingtolightenamoodthatwashardlylikelytobelightened.
‘IhadcallstoreturntoAmyandErnestagesago.Ithoughtit’dbenicetospendsometimetogether.’
‘DidyounotthinkRyandeservedtoknow?’Roisinsaid.
Lorraineraisedhershouldersacentimetre,allshecouldmusterbywayofashrug.‘Furthertotravel,isn’tit.Motherswanttheirdaughtersattimeslikethis.’
Whattimestheywereremainedtobeseen.
Roisintriedtoabsorbthis.Hermotherhadfearedshemightbedying,shewasinsomuchagony,thiswholetime?She’dsoughtnotreatment.She’dhoodwinkedRoisin.Anawfulrealisationdawned:hermumwouldratherdoallthis,riskallthis,thantellRoisinshelovedher,andsheneededher.She’dratherdothisthanriskRoisinrejectingher.
TherewastheadditionalinhibitionthatRoisinwould’veforcedhertotheGP.ButitwasalsoobviousthatLorrainehadnolanguagetobridgethisgapbetweenthem,andmakebelievehadbeenusedtofillit.
‘Now.Ineedyoutoputmylipstickonbeforetheparamedicsgethere,’Lorrainesaid.‘TheCharlotteTilburyinthenavyquiltedbagwiththeflowersonthetopofthecabinetinmybathroom.WalkOfNoShameorLostCherry,please.’
‘YouHAVEtobekidding,’Roisinsaid.
‘Thismightbemylastrequest!’LorrainescreechedandRoisinextravagantlytuttedandhuffed,asmuchtomaskherterrorasanything.Ofcoursehermotherwasn’tsparingher,inspellingoutthethreat.LorrainegonnaLorraine
Sherantoherroomandshudderedattheglassofwaterspilledonthefloor.Hermumhadcrawledonhandsandkneestoherpositioninthehallway.Roisinrakedthroughthecontentsofthetoiletriesbag,squintingatthebaseofeachlipsticktoseethename.ShefeltsureLorrainewouldspotthewrongshade,evenwhencrippledbyaseventonineontheofficialpainscale.
WalkOfNoShamehitherasgruesomelyapt.Thearcofhistorywaslong,anditbenttowardssickhumour.ShewentforLostCherry.
Don’tthinkaboutlyingtoJoe.Don’tthinkaboutwhathemadeyouswearyourlifeupon.Don’tthinkaboutit,don’tthinkaboutit.
Shereturnedtoherside,kneelingdownandtwistingthelipstickoutofitscase.
‘Ican’tbelieveI’mdoingthis.Poutyourmouthoutthen.’
Lorraine,whowasclearlyconservingenergyduetotheunbearableagony,pushedherlipstowardsitasRoisindabbedthecolouron.
Theprocesswasutterlyridiculousandfeltunbearablytender,atthesametime.Roisincouldn’tthinkaboutanythingthatwashappeningtoohard,orshe’dloseit.
‘Canprobablydowithoutthelipliner,’Lorrainesaid,smackingherlipstogether,andRoisinbarked,‘YARECKON,’tocoverheremotion.
‘Listen.There’ssomethingIwanttotalktoyouabout,’LorrainesaidasRoisinre-cappedtheLostCherry,asiftheywerehavinganatterovertheirpassingtrolleysinSainsbury’s.‘IncaseIdon’tgetthechanceagain.’
‘Mum,pleasedon’tsaythingslikethat.’
‘Iknowhowthisworks.Theyputamaskoveryourfaceandthenthat’sit.’
‘Mum!’
‘IwatchedJoe’sseries.Theoneaboutthepolicemanhavinglotsofhow’syourfather.’
Roisin’sbloodtemperaturedroppedtofreezing.
‘DidJoedothat?Playawayonyou?’
Bloodyhell.Hermotherhadgottherefasterthananyone.Tocatchathief.
‘Yeah,’Roisinsaid.‘Withthegirlfriendbeforeme.Turnsouttheywereneverreallyover.’
‘Youwererighttofinishit.It’swhatIshould’vedonewithyourdad.Ilethimsaywhatwent,andIwishIhadn’t.’
ShegaveRoisinalookandRoisinperfectlyunderstoodwhatshewasreferringto.‘Don’tworry,Iknow.’
‘Iknowyouadoredyourdadandtherewasneverawaytoraisewhat…well,youknow.’
Roisindidn’tknowwhattosay.
‘Now,aboutMatthew.What’sthestateofplaythere?Youknowhe’sinlovewithyou,don’tyou?’
Roisinlaughedweakly.‘Howdoyouknowthat?’
‘Ihaveeyesandabrain,darling.Fornow.’
‘…Yes.Weweretogetherbriefly,butIfoundoutheknewaboutJoe’scheatingyearsagoanddidn’ttellme.Whichmademequitemad.Sowearecurrentlyapart.’
‘That’sadamnedifyoudo,damnedifyoudon’t,isn’tit.Isuspect,Rosie,hemight’vegotnothingbutgriefif…’Hervoicesqueakedasshefoughtthroughhersuffering.‘…he’dtoldyou.’
NooneelseinthewholeworldcalledherRosie.Whydothetinythingsbecomesuddenlygigantic?Roisincheckedherwatch.
‘WhereAREthey?!’Roisinsaid,notwantingtopanichermumbutnotbeingabletocontainit.Italreadyfeltlikehours.Eighteenminutes.Thatwaslongenough,surely?
Roisinheardahammeringatthefrontdoorandgotdownthestairsandthroughthebar,fasterthanshe’devermovedinherlife.Peopleingreenuniformswithflashesofhigh-viswerewaitingontheothersideandshegarbledabouthermumandherpainandshe’suphere.
ShehadtostandbehindthemastheyattendedtoLorraineatthetopofthestairs,askingquestionsinupbeatvoices,grabbingequipment,movingwithpractisedefficiency.
Roisindidn’tknowwhattodowithherself,wheretostand,whattodo,otherthancraneherneck.
She’dhopedthey’dtutandsaythiswasnothing,notthatastretcherwouldemergefromthebackofthevehiclewiththeflashinglights.
Thenanoxygenmaskappeared,andRoisinfeltinstantlyfrantic.
‘Idon’twantyoutogo!’shecried,lookingatLorraine,nolongerapatientbuthermother.Shedidn’tmeanthehospital;shemeantanywhere,ever.Itwasachildlikepleaofpureterroratseparation,atpossiblypermanentseparation.Roisinburstintoafloodofhottears.LorrainegrabbedclumsilyforRoisin’sarmandkissedthebackofherhand,asshewaspulledaway.
Theblue-lightsjourneytohospitalwasoverwhelming,Roisin’svisionblurredbyherpartiallysuppressedcrying.Ontheonehand,professionalpeoplehadtakenoverandshecouldgratefullyrelinquishresponsibility.Ontheother,thebeepingmachines,sirensandconcentratedattentionofthirdpartiestoreawayanypretencethatthiswasn’tasbadasRoisinfeared.
‘We’llgiveyouanupdatewhenwecan–takeaseat,’saidtheparamedic,ashermumdisappearedonagurneythroughthedoorsofMacclesfieldDistrict,topassintothehandsofstrangers.RoisinwaslefttowanderA&Elikeaghost.
Shewasawashwithfight-or-flight.Theconceptofsittingstillinoneofthoseplasticbucketseatsunderthislight,foranunspecifiedbutprotractedlengthoftime,waslikebeingtoldsheshouldstartMorrisdancing.
Shecheckedherphone.Nobarsofcoverage,anditwasjustgonethreea.m.
ThetimedifferenceinTorontowasfivehours:Ryanmightpickup,butitseemedsmartertowaituntilshehadsomethingtotellhim,ratherthantakinganight’ssleepfromhimwhenhemightneedthoseenergyreserves.
OhGod.
Shehadtogooutsidetogetreception.Shescrolledherphoneandrangthenumber.Selfish,unfair,outrageous,even.Shecouldn’thelpit.Hiswastheonlyvoiceshewantedtohear.
ThisexperiencewasanemotionalX-ray.Thesuperfluoushaddisappeared;shewasonlyessentials,bonesandorgans.Shecouldseewhatmattered.
Hi,thisisMatt!Ican’tanswerrightnow–leaveamessage,ifyoudon’thateleavingmessages.
‘Matt,’shechokedintothereceiver,afterthebeep.‘It’sme.I’mathospital.InMacclesfield.It’sMum.Theydon’tknowwhat’swrongyet…’Sheletoutasobandstifledit.‘Ifoundheronthefloor,inextremepain,aboutanhourago.Thedoctorsarewithhernow.Idon’tknowwhatthehellshe’sbeenplayingat,’cosshetoldmeshe’dhadaclearbiopsybeforeIcamebackthissummer.IntrueLorrainefashion,thatwasbullshit.She’sbeenignoringpainforages,usingover-the-countermedstocontrolit…’Roisinrealisedshewasspiralling.Shepausedandgulped.
‘…Rememberyouoncesaidthatthingaboutnothavingmanypeopleinyourlife?I’venevermissedmydadandmybrotherlikeIdonow.Anyway.Youdon’tneedtoreplytothisorcallmeback,oranything.Youdon’towemeanythingatall.Ijustneededtotalktosomeone.Notsomeone.Iwantedtotalktoyou.Leavingthismessagehashelped,stupidasitsounds.Anyway.OK.Thanksforlistening,eventhoughIdidn’tgiveyoumuchchoiceinthematter.Bye.’
Whenshewalkedbackintothehospital,aconsultantwascraninghisneck,lookingforher.
‘MissWalters?Ineedtospeaktoyouaboutyourmother.’
Shelookedatthebackofherhand,whichborethesmudgedimprintofLostCherry.
Roisinlistenedtothesofthissofmedicalmachinery,therustlingofthewardbeyondthethincurtain,asthedaybegan.
Outsidethewindow,theskyhadstartedtolighteninasicklytangerine-grey.ItwasthemostbeautifulsunriseRoisinhadeverseen,becauseitwasthefirstoneshefearedhermumwouldneversee.
Itturnedoutthisemergencywasn’tanythingmorethanaturbulent,yetbriefandfullysurvivable,episode,oneshecouldleaveLorrainetositupinbedandrecounttoRyanlateronhermobile.
Roisinwasstillscrabblingtocatchup,retrievingherimaginationfromthedarkplacesithadroamedtoduringthecrisis.Partofherwasstilltravellingthealternativetimeline.
Whatshe’ddiscoveredwasthathermotherneededher.AndRoisinneededLorraine,too.Notintrivial,mercenaryways,butprofoundonesthatneitherofthemhadarticulated.Roisinhadbeensopreoccupiedwithhermother’sindulgenttoleranceofherfatherandbrotherthatshe’dabsorbedadeepsenseshedidn’tmatter.Thatwasn’tevertrue,sherealised.
LorraineknewRoisinwasangrywithher,forthingstheycouldneverdiscusswithoutitprovokingscornanddisgust,moredamage.Ithadcreatedabarrierbetweenthem.
Roisinneededtostoppunishingthepeopleavailabletobepunished,whomight’vemademistakesbutsincerelylovedherback.
Shewouldbebacklaterwithabagpackedwithhermother’sfavouriteperfume,herKindle,herpyjamas.Sheleanedinandkissedhersleepingface.74
ShewasheadingtothedooroftheA&Edepartmentwhenshesawhim.Armsfoldedinthatdarkdenimjacket,sittingononeoftheplasticseats,headtooneside,eyesclosed,bootrestingonoppositeknee.
Roisinstaredandstaredathim.Shetookineverydetailandcommittedittomemoryasherhearttripledinsize.Itwasalmostsixa.m.andRoisinwaslightheaded.Shewonderedhowlonghe’dbeenhere:she’dspenttwohoursbyhermum’sbedside,sohemusthavearrivedthen.
ShereachedoutandputahandonMatt’sshoulder.
Hestartedawakeandfocusedonher,rubbinghiseyesashemadesenseofhissurroundings.
‘Morning,’hesaid,blearilystandingup.
‘Morning.Youcameallthisway?’shesaid.
‘IleftassoonasIgotyourmessage.Howareyou?How’sLorraine?’
‘She’s…’Roisinbithardintoherbottomliptomaintainasemblanceofcomposure.SeeingMatt,aftertheoutcomeofsuchasleeplessandturbulentnight,couldbelikeadambreaking.‘She’sfine.Itwasaburstappendix.Itcanbelife-threatening,buttheycaughtitintime.Mostoftheirpatientsdon’tignorethesignsofappendicitisforaslongasmymotherdid.’Roisinmadeaface.
‘Oh,thankGod,’Mattsaid.
‘They’llkeepherinforafewdaysandshe’llfeellikeshe’sbeenrunoverforweeks,butsucharelief.’
‘You’llknowshe’strulyrecoveredwhenshe’spressingthebedalarmforaKirRoyale.’
‘Youknowhertoowell,’Roisinsaid,hervoicethick.Shewasbrokenwithgratitudeatthesightofhim.Thelovewaslikeaphysicalweightonherchest.
‘Freshair?’Mattsaid,afteraloadedpause,andRoisinnoddedashepushedthedooropen.
UnderthebrickedshelteroftheA&Eentrance,theytookintheviewofhospitalgroundsatdawn,breathedinandout,lookedateachotherandshooktheirheads.Suddenillnesswaslikebeingtornfromthenormalworldandhurledintoanalternativeuniverse.
‘I’msogladyou’rehere,’Roisinsaid.
Mattturnedtofaceherfully.‘Listen,Rosh.Iwanttomakeitclear,I’mnotherewithanyexpectationof—’
Roisingrabbedhimbythelapels,buriedherfaceinhischestandhowled.Heputhisarmsaroundherandheldhertightly.
‘You’reOK,’heshushedher.‘She’sgoingtobealright.You’regoingtobealright.’
‘Iknow,Iknow.It’sjust…’
WhenRoisinhadshedenoughtearstohavethepowerofspeechback,shesaid,‘Mymumliedtogetmetospendthissummerworkingatthepub.Shedidn’tfeelshecouldtellmeshewantedmethere,incasethatwasallthetimeshehadleft.Absolutelyinsane.’
‘Whydidn’tshegotothedoctor?It’sabitofaleaptosay,“I’vegotstomachpains,ohmaybeit’sterminal?”’
‘Iknow.IthinkshehastobethisLorraine.Glamorous,confident,youthfulLorraine,whorunstheshow.Thethoughtofevenbeingprescribedtreatmentthatmightmakeheranythingotherthanthatwasutterlypetrifyingtoher.Scarierthandyingwhenshedidn’thaveto…?’
ShelookedatMattinbewilderment.‘Shethinksthosearetheconditionsforbeingloved,Iguess.Partlybecausemydadwasashallowbastardinthatregard.Mybrother’slongsincefledthescene.Hetakesaftermydadlikethat.Andshewouldn’ttellherowndaughter,“I’mscared,Ineedyoursupport.”’
RoisinlookedatMattinthegreyearlylight.‘I’mnotgoingtomakethesamemistake.Icalledyoubecauseyou’retheonepersonintheworldIwantedtosee.’Roisinsmiled.‘I’mnotgoingtopretendtobemoreresilientthanIam.Ineedyou.’
Mattsmiledback.‘Well,thismorningthere’snowhereI’dratherbethanhere.I’mgladyoucalledme.Iwasactuallyoverthemoonyoucalledme,andhowoftencanyousaythataboutthreea.m.voicemails?’
‘I’vebeenfartoohardonyou,McKenzie,andyou’vedealtwithitwithyourtypicalgenerosity.Doyouwanttogivethat“beinganauseatingcouple”thinganothertry?’Roisinsaid.‘IdecidedIwasgoingtoaskyouthisoverwhattheycalldressydrinksonaniceeveningout.Instead,hereweare,outsideMacclesfieldHospital,mehavingforcedyoutodoamercydash.Nearapigeonwithamankyfoot,peckingataGinster’spasty.’
Shepointedbehindthem,andMattbrushedhertearsaway.‘Morethanever,oddlyenough.’
Theystaredintooneanother’seyesandsilently,mutuallyacknowledgedthepointthey’darrivedat.Thiswastheunderstandingyoualwayshopedyou’dfind
Roisinrubbedherbrow.‘God’ssake,I’vebeenherehalfthenight.Imustlooklikeahauntedturnip.’
‘Loveisn’tdependentonlookingglamorous,remember.’
‘Ohyes,haha.Justaswell.’
RoisinhesitatedasMattgothisphoneouttocheckfortaxis.Shewasraw,likeshewasinemotionalHighDefinition.Shefeltcertaintherewasamomentherethatshouldbeusedbeforenormality,withallitsvirtuesandvices,creptbackin.
‘Whateverhappensbetweenus,Matt…’
Helookedupather.
‘Ipromiseyou,wecanalwaystelleachotherthetruth,withnofearofshame.Secretsenduppoisoningthepersonkeepingthem,Ithink.’
‘WhatifmyfinalpoisonoussecretisthatIoncewroteapoemaboutthefirsttimeIsawyou.YouwerewalkingdownDeansgateinthedrivingrain,fearlesslyheadhigh,withnocoaton.Youlatertoldmeyou’dhadarowwithyourmumandstormedoutlikethat.ThepoemwassobadthatthelasttimeIunearthedit,Ibothweptwithlaughterandwantedtophysicallydie.IrhymeRoisinwithGLEAM.ButISTILLcouldn’tdestroyit,becauseitremindedmeofyou.’
‘OhmyGod!Eventhat!CanIreadit?’
‘Fuckno.’75
‘Welcomeback!’Roisinsaid,leaningagainstherdesk,watching10E,whowerenow11E,fileintotheroom.
ItwaseitherGod’ssicksenseofhumour,orWendyCopeland’sfront-footedHRstrategy,thathadgivenherthisclassasherfirstlessonoftheautumnterm
Someofthemscrutinisedherinapointedway,andRoisinreturnedthecuriouslookswithabeamingsmile.
‘Niceholiday,Caitlin?’shesaidtoCaitlinMerry,whowrinkledhernose.
‘Alright,Iguess.Toosoontobebackinthishole,lol.’
‘True,’Roisinsaid,laughing.
‘Feelingbetter,Miss?’sing-songedLoganHughes,withclearreferencetolasttermandasignaltoothers.
‘Reallygood,Logan.Thanksforasking.’
Ifpupilscouldsmellfear,theycouldequallysenseitscompleteandtotalabsence.Confidencecreatedanalmosttangibleforcefield;itwasverystrange.IthaddesertedRoisin;nowshehaditback.Itobviouslycamefromamysticalwellspringinsideandwasindexlinkedtoyourhappiness,givenhowitradiatedfromher.
Roisincouldfeeltheirteenagedhopesoffurtherdisturbancesperishingandshrivelling,secondbysecond.MisswasMissagain.
‘Isyourhusband’ssexshowgonnabeonagain?Nextyear?Miss?’Loganpersisted,clearlyfeelingthelossofanyspectaclemorethaneveryoneelse.
Roisinmovedastrandofhairoutofherface,tuckingitbehindherear,andletabeatofsilencepassthatincreasedtheattentionuponher.Itwasdesignedtodeliberatelyuptheante,sotheywouldbetterappreciatehercomposureinanswering.
‘Televisiondramaisfiction.AndtheonlyworkoffictionIwanttotalkaboutisCharlesDickens’sGreatExpectations,’shesaid,pickingupacopyandgrinning,toarippleofgroans.
Shegrabbedamarkerandsqueaky-pennedonthewhiteboard.
THETWOENDINGS
‘SAD’VS‘HAPPY’
Sheturnedbacktotheroom.Roisinwasheroldself.Actually,no,thatwasn’ttrue.Shewasherpresentself,thisself.Shelikedthisself.
‘Now,whatwe’regoingtolookatintoday’slessonarethecompetingendingsofthebook.CharlesDickensoriginallywrotedifferentlastchapters,wherePipissingleandEstellaremarries.Theonewehaveinthefinalversionwassuggestedafterhisfriend,anotherwritercalledWilkieCollins,objectedtoitbeingtoobleak.Heinsistedhelightenit.’
‘Whydidn’thesay,“It’smybook,Wilkie,youwasteman!”’Amirsaid.
‘Yeah,ifI’dwrittenthewhole-assthing,slavingawayforhoursandhours,I’dbelike,“Writeyourown,man,”’Paulyagreed.
‘Goodpoint.LiterarydebatecontinuestothisdayoverwhetherDickensshould’veyieldedtothecomplaint,andwhetheritimprovesordamagesthetext.’Roisinpointedattheboard.‘Doyouthinkthestoryisbetterservedbytheendingyoureadoverthesummeronyourprintouts,wherePipissingleandEstellaremarries?Ortheoneinthebookwestudied,thathintsthatPipandEstellawillmarry?Whofanciesanswering?’
‘Pipshouldbesingleattheend,’saidLoganHughes.‘She’scuckedhimalready,right?Andyoudon’twanttobemarriedat…whatishe?Thirty?HeshouldcallhimselfPhilip,too.OrPhil.Pipisnotagrown-assman’sname,youknow.’
‘Thisisoldentimesthough,’Paulysaid.‘Thirtieswaswellold.Theydiedatlike,forty-oneorforty-two.’
‘Veryspecific,Pauly,’Roisinsaid.
‘Whatdoyouthink,Miss?’Amirsaid.‘Doyoulikehappyendings?’
Paulyslidoffhischair,honking.
‘No,Imean!Forreal!Iwanttoknow?Aren’thappyendingsabunchoflies,Miss?Tomakeusfeelbetter?Everyonediesintheend,solifedoesn’thaveahappyending.It’swriterstellinglies.’
‘Whatifhappyendingscanbehappybeginnings?’
‘Like…youdon’tknowwhathappensnext?’Amirsaid.
‘Yes.IfPipandEstellamarry,that’sabeginning.It’swhereweleavethem,butit’snottheirending,assuch.’
‘You’resayingit’sahappystart,’Amirsaid.‘Igetit.’
‘Yes,ahappystart.Or,inoneword:hope,’Roisinsaid,smiling.
‘Whowantstoreadfromthelastchapterforus?’
‘Ido,Miss!’saidAmir.‘I’mgoodatit.’
Thiscausedalightoutbreakofguffawingandcussingfromhispeers,whichherevelledin.Sherememberedthehandshakethroughthecarwindow.Hewasasweetkid,Amir.
‘Iagree.Goahead.’
Heclearedhisthroatandbeganspeaking.Roisinsurveyedrowsofreasonablydocilepupilswithsatisfaction.
Ashesaid,‘Ihavebeenbentandbrokenbut–Ihope–intoabettershape…’outofthecornerofhereye,Roisinnoticedanenvelopeinherbagthatshewassurehadn’tbeentherewhenshepackeditlastnight.Sheslylyfisheditouttolookatthesinglewordwrittenonit.
Hername,inhishandwriting.Acknowledgements
Firstly,thankstomycharming,unflappableandwisepublisher,LynneDrew,ablyassistedbythelovelyeditorLucyStewart,whobothalwaysmanagedtomakeworkapleasure.Wellatmyend,Iapologiseifitwasn’tatyours,hehheh.
ThewholeHarperCollinsfamilyareadelighttodealwith,thankyouforyoursupport,withahighfivetoHollyMacdonaldforthewonderfulartwork.ThisishowRoisinandMattlookedwhentheylivedinsidemyhead.
MuchgratitudetoDougKean,mywonderfulagent,myworkhusband,themanwiththebestlaugh(notalwayslaughingatme).
Research-wise,thankyoutothebrilliantSarahEllisonforwalkingmethroughthechallengesofteachinginasecondaryschoolinthe21stcentury(however,anymistakesandallripeswearsregardingpupilsaremyinventions).
OnceagainthankstoManchesterresidentandexpertinallthingsstylish,JuliaMitchell,forkeepingmeuptodatewithoneoftheworld’sbestcities.
Cheerstomyscreenagent,MarkCasarotto,fornamingSEEN!Istillthinkthisseriesideaissolid,youknow.
BryanFerrywrote‘SlavetoLove’,notme,andIthankhimformylittleborrowofitsopeningline.
Furthermore,IamdevastatedtobeforcedtorecognisethecontributionoftheStokeNewingtonflaneur,myfriendLeoBarker.Incredibly,somepassagesinthisworkofcompletefictionaredirectlyinspiredbyhisluridantics.We’lldrawaveil.
InickedajokefromoneOllyRichardsandhadanobservationinthisnovelgenerouslydonatedbyJustinMyers,thankyoubothforgraciouslyallowingmythefts.
Thankyoutomyloyalbandoffirst-draftreaders:onthisgoround,Tara,Katie,Kristy,Sean.Couldn’tdoitwithoutyou,ornotwithoutendingupcompletelyoffmychanks,astheysay.
Thankyoutomyreadersoutintheworld–theprivilegeofhavingyourtimeisathrillthat’sneverwornoffandIstrivetoearnit.
Andthankyou,asever,toAlex.ToquoteyourfavouriteColdplay(ARF),nobodysaiditwaseasy,nobodyeversaiditwouldbethishard.Myprocessisajourney,thankyoufortakingoverthedrivingwhenI’mbusylookingatthemap.KeepReading…
Formorelaugh-out-loudhumourandheart-skippingromance,whynottryMhairiMcFarlane’sotherhilariousandswoon-worthybooks
HarrietHatleyisrunningawayfromeverything.
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MarianKeyes
LaurieandJamiehavetheperfectofficeromance.
(Theysettherulesviaemail)
Everyonecanseethey’reheadoverheels.
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Thismustbetruelove.
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Youcan’tbreakyourheartinafakerelationship–canyou?
Clickheretoreadnow!‘Hilarious,warmandlife-affirming’
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Itbeganwithfourwords.‘Iloveyourlaugh.X’Butthatwastwelveyearsago.
WhenGeorgina’snewboss,LucasMcCarthy,turnsouttobetheboywhowrotethosewordstoherallthattimeago,itfeelslikethestartofsomething.
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GiovannaFletcher
Ediethoughtshe’dfoundTheOne…untilhemarriessomeoneelse.Andthenonhisweddingday,hekissesher.
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Heat
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Clickheretoreadnow!AbouttheAuthor
SundayTimesbestsellingauthorMhairiMcFarlanewasborninScotlandin1976andherunnecessarilyconfusingnameispronouncedVah-Ree.Aftersomeeffortsatjournalism,shestartedwritingfictionandherdebut,YouHadMeatHello,wasaninstantsuccess.She’ssincesoldover2millioncopiesofherbooks.BetweenUsisherninthnovelandshelivesinNottinghamwithamanandacat.AlsobyMhairiMcFarlane
YouHadMeatHello
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It’sNotMe,It’sYou
Who’sThatGirl?
Don’tYouForgetAboutMe
IfINeverMetYou
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MadAboutYou
AfterHello(ebook-onlynovella)AboutthePublisher
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