Bride-Ali Hazelwood-Amazon Kindle

OceanofPDF.comPRAISEFORALIHAZELWOOD
“Aliterarybreakthrough….TheLoveHypothesisisaself-assureddebut,andwehypothesizeit’sjustthefirstbitofgreatnesswe’llseefromanauthorwhosomehowhastheaudacitytobebothanacademicpowerhouseand[a]divinelytalentednovelist.”
—EntertainmentWeekly
“Contemporaryromance’sunicorn:theelusivemarriageofdeeplybrainyanddelightfullyescapist….TheLoveHypothesishaswildcommercialappeal,butthequietersecretisthatthereisaspecificaudience,madeupofalltheOlivesintheworld,whohavedeeply,ardentlywaitedforthisexactbook.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorChristinaLauren
“Withhersophomorenovel,AliHazelwoodprovesthatsheistheperfectwritertoshowthatscienceissexyashell,andthatlovecan‘STEM’fromthemostunlikelyplaces.She’smynewestmust-buyauthor.”
—JodiPicoult,#1NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofWishYouWereHere
“AliHazelwoodisthequeenofsmartrom-coms….Filledwithsnappybanter,clevercharacters,andcracklingtension(andlotsofchess!),thisistheperfectrivals-to-loversromance.Check&Matewillhaveyouswooning,laughing,stayingupallnight,andsmilingsomuchyourfacehurts.Thisbookismynewobsession.Whoknewchesscouldbesoromantic?”
—AlexAster,#1NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofLightlark
“Funny,sexy,andsmart.AliHazelwooddidaterrificjobwithTheLoveHypothesis.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorMarianaZapata
“Gloriouslynerdyandsexy,withon-pointcommentaryaboutwomeninSTEM.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorHelenHoangonLoveontheBrain
“STEMinists,assemble.Yourworldisabouttoberocked.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorElenaArmasonLoveontheBrain
“Thistacklesoneofmyfavoritetropes—GrumpymeetsSunshine—inafunandutterlyendearingway….Ilovedthenodstowardfandomandromancenovels,andIcouldn’tputitdown.Highlyrecommended!”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorJessicaClareonTheLoveHypothesis
“ThereigningqueenofSTEMinistrom-comsreturnswithatalesetinthecutthroatworldofeliteacademiafullofdelightfulhumor,realisticemotions,andthemessysearchforself-acceptance.”
—Booklist(starredreview)onLove,Theoretically
“Adecidedlyquirkyandthoroughlycharmingtale….Geekysciencejokes,humorousstudentemails,andexpertlydeliveredsnarkybanterenhancethenarrative.ReaderswillcheerforJackandElsieandtheirbumpyroadtohappilyeverafter.”
—PublishersWeekly(starredreview)onLove,Theoretically
OceanofPDF.comALSOBYALIHAZELWOOD
TheLoveHypothesis
LoveontheBrain
Love,Theoretically
ANTHOLOGIES
LoathetoLoveYou
NOVELLAS
UnderOneRoof
StuckwithYou
BelowZero
YOUNGADULTNOVELS
Check&Mate
OceanofPDF.comOceanofPDF.comBERKLEYROMANCE
PublishedbyBerkley
AnimprintofPenguinRandomHouseLLC
penguinrandomhouse.com
Copyright?2024byAliHazelwood
PenguinRandomHousesupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,andcreatesavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthisbookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguinRandomHousetocontinuetopublishbooksforeveryreader.
BERKLEYandtheBERKLEY&BcolophonareregisteredtrademarksofPenguinRandomHouseLLC.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Hazelwood,Ali,author.
Title:Bride/AliHazelwood.
Description:FirstEdition.|NewYork:BerkleyRomance,2024.
Identifiers:LCCN2023019644(print)|LCCN2023019645(ebook)|ISBN9780593550403(tradepaperback)|ISBN9780593550410(ebook)
Subjects:LCGFT:Novels.|Paranormalfiction.|Romancefiction.
Classification:LCCPS3608.A98845B752024(print)|LCCPS3608.A98845(ebook)|DDC813/.6—dc23/eng/20230503
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2023019644
LCebookrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2023019645
FirstEdition:February2024
Coverillustrationbylilithsaur
CoverdesignbyVikkiChu
BookdesignbyDanielBrount,adaptedforebookbyMollyJeszke
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
pid_prh_6.2_146088460_c0_r0
OceanofPDF.comCONTENTS
Cover
PraiseforAliHazelwood
AlsobyAliHazelwood
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
_146088460_
OceanofPDF.comToThaoandSarah.Icouldknotdothiswithoutyou,andIwouldn’tevenwantto.
OceanofPDF.comPROLOGUE
Thismarriage,it’sgoingtobeaproblem.
Sheisgoingtobeaproblem.
Thiswarofours,theonebetweentheVampyresandtheWeres,beganseveralcenturiesagowithbrutalescalationsofviolence,culminatedamidflowingtorrentsofvaricoloredblood,andendedinawhimperofbuttercreamcakeonthedayImetmyhusbandforthefirsttime.
Which,asithappens,wasalsothedayofourwedding.
Notquitethestuffofchildhooddreams.Thenagain,I’mnodreamer.Ionlyevercontemplatedmarriageonce,backinthegloomydaysofmychildhood.Followingafewtoo-harshpunishmentsandapoorlyexecutedassassinationattempt,SerenaandIconcoctedplansforagrandescape,whichwasgoingtoinvolvepyrotechnics-baseddiversions,stealingourmathtutor’scar,andflippingoffourcaregiversintherearviewmirror.
“We’llstopbytheanimalshelterandadoptoneofthoseshaggydogs.PickupaSlurpeeforme,somebloodforyou.DisappearforeverintoHumanterritory.”
“WilltheyletmeinifI’mnotHuman?”Iasked,eventhoughthatwastheleastofourplan’sflaws.Wewerebotheleven.Neitherofuscoulddrive.InterspeciespeaceintheSouthwestregionrelied,quiteliterally,onmestayingthehellput.
“I’llvouchforyou.”
“Willthatbeenough?”
“I’llmarryyou!They’llbelieveyou’reHuman—myHumanwife.”
Asproposalswent,itseemedsolid.SoInoddedsolemnlyandsaid,“Iaccept.”
Thatwasfourteenyearsago,though,andSerenanevermarriedme.Infact,she’slonggone.I’mherealone,withagiantheapofexpensiveweddingfavorsthat’llhopefullyfoolguestsintooverlookingthelackoflove,geneticcompatibility,orevenpreviousacquaintancebetweenmeandthegroom.
Ididtrytoarrangeameeting.Suggestedtomypeoplethattheysuggesttohispeoplethatwecouldgrablunchtheweekbeforetheceremony.Coffeethepreviousday.Aglassoftapwaterthemorningof—anythingtoavoida“Howdoyoudo?”infrontoftheofficiant.MyrequestwasescalatedtotheVampyrecouncil,andresultedinaphonecallfromoneofthemembers’aides.HistonemanagedtobepolitewhileheavilyimplyingthatIwasacuckoonutbird.“He’saWere.AverypowerfulanddangerousWere.Justthelogisticsofprovidingsecurityforsuchameetingwouldbe—”
“I’llbemarryingthisdangerousWere,”Ipointedoutevenly,andabashfulthroatwascleared.
“HeisanAlpha,MissLark.Toobusytomeet.”
“Busywith…?”
“Hispack,MissLark.”
Ipicturedhiminahomegym,tirelesslyworkingonhisabs,andshrugged.
Tendayshavepassed,andIhaveyettomeetmygroom.Instead,I’vebecomeaproject—onethatrequiresaconcertedeffortfromaninterdisciplinarycrewtolookweddable.Amanicuristcoaxesmynailsintopinkovals.Afacialistsmacksmycheekswithrelish.Ahairdressermagicallyhidesmypointedearsunderawebofdarkblondbraids,andamakeupexpertpaintsadifferentfaceontopofmine,somethinginterestingandsophisticatedandzygomatic.
“Thisisart,”Itellhim,studyingthecontouringinthemirror.“YoushouldbeaGuggenheimfellow.”
“Iknow.AndI’mnotdone,”hereprimands,beforedippinghisthumbinapotofdarkgreenstainandswipingitovertheinsidesofmywrists.Thebaseofmythroatonbothsides.Mynape.
“What’sthis?”
“Justabitofcolor.”
“Whatfor?”
Asnort.“IpulledstringsandresearchedWerecustoms.Yourhusbandwilllikeit.”Hewhooshesaway,leavingmealonewithfiveoddmarkingsandanewfoundbonestructure.Isqueezeintothebridaljumpsuitthatthestylistbeggedmenottorefertoasaonesie,andthenmytwinbrothercomestoretrieveme.
“Youlookstunning,”Owensaysflatly,distrustfully,squintingatmelikeI’mafaketen-dollarbill.
“Itwasateameffort.”
Hegesturesformetofollowhim.“Ihopetheyvaccinatedyouforrabieswhiletheywereatit.”
Theceremonyissupposedtobeasymbolofpeace.That’swhy,inaheartwarmingdisplayoftrust,myfatherdemandedanall-Vampyrearmedsecuritydetailfortheceremony.TheWeresrefused,whichledtoweeksofnegotiations,thentoanearbreakoftheengagement,andfinallytotheonlysolutionthatcouldmakeeverybodyequallyunhappy:staffingtheeventwithHumans.
There’satenseatmosphere,andthenthere’sthis.Onevenue,threespecies,fivecenturiesofconflict,andzerogoodfaith.TheblacksuitsescortingOwenandmeseemtornbetweenprotectingusandkillingusthemselves,justtogetitoverwith.Theywearsunglassesindoorsandmutterentertaininglybadcodeintotheirsleeves.Batisflyingtotheceremonyhall.Irepeat,wehaveBat.
Thegroomis,uninventively,Wolf.
“Whendoyouthinkyourfuturehusbandwilltrytokillyou?”Owenasksconversationally,lookingstraightahead.“Tomorrow?Nextweek?”
“Who’stosay.”
“Withinthemonth,forsure.”
“Forsure.”
“OnehastowonderiftheWereswillburyyourcorpseorjust,youknow.Eatit.”
“Onehasto.”
“Butifyoucaretoliveabitlonger,trytossingastickwhenhestartsmaulingyou.Iheartheylovetofetch—”
Ihaltabruptly,causingaslightcommotionamongtheagents.“Owen,”Isay,turningtomybrother.
“Yes,Misery?”Hiseyesholdmine.Suddenly,hisindolent,insult-comedianmaskslipsoff,andhe’snotmyfather’sshallowheiranymore,butthebrotherwho’dsneakintobedwithmewheneverIhadnightmares,whosworehe’dprotectmefromthecrueltyoftheHumansandthebloodthirstinessoftheWeres.
It’sbeendecades.
“YouknowwhatwentdownthelasttimetheVampyresandWerestriedthis,”hesays,shiftingtotheTongue.
Isuredo.TheAsterisineverytextbook,albeitwithvastlydifferentinterpretations.ThedaythepurpleofourbloodandthegreenoftheWeres’flowedtogether,asbrightandbeautifulasthebloomingflowerthemassacrewasnamedafter.“Whothehellwouldenteramarriageofpoliticalconvenienceafterthat?”
“Me,apparently.”
“Youaregoingtoliveamongthewolves.Alone.”
“Right.That’showhostageexchangeswork.”Aroundus,thesuitshurriedlychecktheirwatches.“Wehavetogo—”
“Alonetobeslaughtered.”Owen’sjawgrinds.It’ssounlikehisusualcarelessself,Ifrown.
“Sincewhendoyoucare?”
“Whyareyoudoingthis?”
“BecauseanalliancewiththeWeresisnecessarytothesurivivalof—”
“TheseareFather’swords.It’snotwhyyouagreedtodothis.”
It’snot,butI’mnotabouttoadmitit.“MaybeyouunderestimateFather’spersuasiveness”
Hisvoicedropstoawhisper.“Don’tdothis.It’sadeathsentence.Sayyou’vechangedyourmind—givemesixweeks.”
“Whatwillhavechangedinsixweeks?”
Hehesitates.“Amonth.I—”
“Issomethingamiss?”WebothjumpatFather’ssharptone.Forasplitsecondwe’rechildrenagain,againscoldedforexisting.Asalways,Owenrecoversquicker.
“Nah.”Thevacuoussmileisbackonhislips.“IwasjustgivingMiseryafewpointers.”
Fathercutsthroughthesecurityguardsandtucksmyhandintohiselbowwithease,likeithasn’tbeenadecadesinceourlastphysicalcontact.Iforcemyselfnottorecoil.“Areyouready,Misery?”
Icockmyhead.Studyhissternface.Ask,mostlyoutofcuriosity,“Doesitmatter?”
Itmustnot,becausethequestionisn’tacknowledged.Owenwatchesusleave,expressionless,thenyellsafterus,“Hopeyoupackedalintroller.Iheartheyshed.”
Oneoftheagentsstopsusinfrontofthedoubledoorsthatleadintothecourtyard.“CouncilmanLark,MissLark,oneminute.They’renotquitereadyforyou.”Wewaitsidebysideforahandfulofuncomfortablemoments,thenFatherturnstome.Inmystylist-mandatedheels,Inearlyreachhisheight,andhiseyeseasilycatchmine.
“Youshouldsmile,”heordersintheTongue.“AccordingtotheHumans,aweddingisthemostbeautifuldayofabride’slife.”
Mylipstwitch.There’ssomethinggrotesquelyfunnyaboutallofthis.“Whataboutthefatherofthebride?”
Hesighs.“Youwerealwaysneedlesslydefiant.”
Myfailuressparenofront.
“Thereisnogoingback,Misery,”headds,notunkindly.“Oncethehandfastingiscomplete,youwillbehiswife.”
“Iknow”Idon’tneedsoothing,orencouragement.I’vebeennothingbutunwaveringinmycommitmenttothisunion.I’mnotpronetopanic,orfear,orlast-minutechangesofheart.“I’vedonethisbefore,remember?”Hestudiesmeforafewmoments,untilthedoorsopentowhat’sleftofmylife
It’saperfectnightforanoutdoorceremony:stringlights,softbreeze,winkingstars.Itakeadeepbreath,holditin,andlistentoMendelssohn’smarch,stringquartetrendition.Accordingtothebubblyweddingplannerwho’sbeenblowingupmyphonewithlinksIdon’tclickon,theviolaplayerisamemberoftheHumanPhilharmonic.Topthreeintheworld,shetexted,followedbymoreexclamationpointsthanI’veusedinmycumulativewrittencommunicationssincebirth.Imustadmit,itdoessoundnice.Eveniftheguestsglancearound,confused,unsurehowtoproceeduntilanoverworkedstaffergesturesatthemtostand.
It’snottheirfault.Weddingceremoniesare,asofacenturyorsoago,exclusivelyaHumanthing.Vampyresocietyhasevolvedpastmonogamy,andWeres…IhavenocluewhatWeresareupto,asI’veneverevenbeeninthepresenceofone.
IfIhad,Iwouldn’tbealive.
“Comeon.”Fathergripsmyelbow,andwestartdowntheaisle.
Thebride’sguestsarefamiliar,butonlyvaguely.Aseaofwillowyfigures,unblinkinglilaceyes,pointedears.Lipsclosedoverfangs,andhalf-pitying,mostlydisgustedlooks.Ispotseveralmembersofmyfather’sinnercircle;councilorsIhaven’tmetsinceIwasachild;powerfulfamiliesandtheirscions,mostofwhomfawnedoverOwenandwerelittleshitstomewhenwewerekids.Nooneherecouldevenremotelyqualifyasafriend,butindefenseofwhoevercameupwiththeguestlist,mylackofmeaningfulrelationshipsmusthavemadeseat-fillingabitofachallenge.
Andthenthere’sthegroom’sside.Theonethatemanatesaforeignkindofheat.Theonethatwantsmedead.
TheWeres’bloodbeatsquicker,louder,itssmellcopperyandunfamiliar.TheyaretallerthanVampyres,strongerthanVampyres,fasterthanVampyres,andnoneofthemseemsparticularlyenthusedattheideaoftheirAlphamarryingoneofus.Theirlipscurlastheyeyeme,defiant,angry.TheirloathingissothickItasteitontheroofofmypalate.
Idon’tblamethem.Idon’tblameanyonefornotwantingtobehere.Idon’tevenblamethewhispers,orthecattycomments,orthefactthathalftheguestshereneverlearnedthatsoundcarriesfartherthanshit.
“…sheusedtobetheCollateralwiththeHumansfortenyears,andnowthis?”
“Ibetshelikestheattention…”
“—blade-earedleech—”
“Igivehertwoweeks.”
“Moreliketwohours,ifthoseanimals—”
“…eitherstabilizetheregiononceandforall,orcausefull-outwar,again—”
“—thinkthey’reactuallygoingtobefuckingtonight?”
Ihavenofriendsontheleft,andonlyenemiesontheright.SoIgroundmyselfandlookstraightahead.
Atmyfuturehusband.
Hestandsattheendofthepath,turnedawayfromme,listeningtowhatsomeoneiswhisperinginhisear—hisbestman,perhaps.Ican’tgetagoodlookathisface,butIknowwhattoexpectfromthepictureIwasgivenweeksago:handsome,striking,unsmiling.Hishairisshort,arichbrowncuttoabuzz;hissuitisblack,wellfittedacrosshisbroadshoulders.He’stheonlymanintheroomnotwearingatie,andyethemanagestolookelegantanyway.
Maybeweshareastylist.Asgoodastartingpointforamarriageasany,Isuppose.
“Becarefulwithhim,”Fatherwhispers,lipsbarelymoving.“Heisverydangerous.Donotcrosshim.”
Whateverygirlwantstoheartenfeetfromthealtar,especiallywhenthehardlineofhergroom’sshouldersalreadylookscross.Impatient.Annoyed.Hedoesn’tbotherglancinginmydirection,asthoughI’minconsequential,asthoughthereareother,betterthingsforhimtodowithhistime.Iwonderwhatthebestmaniswhisperinginhisear.MaybeamirrorcopyofthewarningsIgot.
MiseryLark?Noneedtobecareful.She’snotparticularlydangerous,sofeelfreetocrossher.Whatisshegonnado?Chuckherlintrolleratyou?
Isnortoutasoftlaugh,andthat’samistake.Becausemyfuturehusbandhearsit,andfinallyturnstome.
Mystomachdrops.
Mystepfalters.
Themurmursquiet.
InthephotoIwasshown,thegroom’seyeslookedanordinary,unsurprisingblue.Butastheymeetmine,Irealizetwothings.ThefirstisthatIwaswrong,andhisgazeisactuallyanoddpalegreenthatbordersonwhite.ThesecondisthatFatherwasright:thismanisvery,verydangerous.
Hiseyesroamovermyface,andIimmediatelysuspectthathemustnothavebeengivenphotos.Ormaybehejustwasn’tcuriousenoughabouthisbridetocheckthemout?Eitherway,he’snotpleasedwithme,andthat’sobvious.ToobadI’vecutmyteethondisappointingpeople,andI’mnotabouttostartcaringnow.It’sonhimifhedoesn’tlikewhathe’sseeing.
Isquaremyshoulders.Asmalldistanceseparatesus,andIletmyeyespinhisasIcloseit,whichishowIseeitallhappeninrealtime.
Pupils,widening.
Brow,furrowing.
Nostrils,flaring.
HewatchesmelikeI’msomethingmadeofmaggotsandtakesonedeepbreath,slow.Thenanother,sharp,themomentI’mdeliveredtothealtar.Hisexpressionwidensintosomethingthatlooks,foraninstant,indecipherablyshaken,andIknewit,IknewthatWeresdidn’tlikeVampyres,butthisfeelsbeyondthat.Itfeelslikepure,hard,personalcontempt.
Toughshit,buddy,Ithink,liftingmychin.Istepforward,again,untilwearestandinginfrontofeachother,thissideoftooclose.
Twostrangerswhoonlyjustmet.Abouttogetmarried.
Themusicwanes.Theguestssit.Myheart’sasluggishdrum,evenslowerthanusual,becauseofthewaythegroomloomsoverme.LeaningforwardtostudymelikeI’manabstractpainting.Iwatchhischestheavehungrily,asifto..inhaleme.Thenhepullsback,lickshislips,andstares.
Hestaresandstaresandstares
Thesilencestretches.Theofficiantclearshisthroat.Thecourtyardbreaksintoboutsofpuzzledmumblesthatslowlyrisetoasticky,familiarfriction.Inoticethatthebestmanhasunsheathedhisclaws.Behindme,Vania,theheadofmyfather’sguards,isshowingherfangs.AndtheHumans,ofcourse,arereachingfortheirguns.
Allthroughthat,myfuturehusbandstillstares.
SoIstepcloserandmurmur,“Idon’tcarehowlittleyoulikethis,butifyouwanttoavoidasecondAster—”
Hishandcomesuplightningfasttoclosearoundmyupperarm,andthewarmthofhisskinisashocktomysystem,eventhroughthefabricofmysleeve.Hispupilscontractintosomethingdifferent,somethinganimal.Iinstinctivelytrytowrigglefreeofhisgrasp,and…it’samistake
MyheelcatchesonacobblestoneandIlosemybalance.Thegroomstopsmyfallwithanarmsnakedaroundmywaist,andacombinationofgravityandhissheerdeterminationwedgesmebetweenhimandthealtar,hisfrontpressingagainstmine.Hecagesme,pinsme,andstaresdownatmelikeheforgotwhereheisandI’msomethingtobeconsumed.
LikeI’mprey
“Thisishighly—Oh,my,”theofficiantgaspswhenthegroomgrowlsinhisdirection.BehindmeIheartheTongueandEnglish—panic,screams,chaos,thebestmanandmyfathersnarling,peopleyellingthreats,someonesobbing.AnotherAsterinthemaking,Ithink.AndIreallyshoulddosomething,Iwilldosomethingtostopit,but.
Thegroom’sscenthitsmynostrils.
Everythingrecedes.
Goodblood,myhindbrainhisses,nonsensical.He’dmakeforsuchgoodblood.
Heinhalesseveraltimesinrapidsuccession,fillinghislungs,pullingmein.Hishandmovesupfrommyarmtothedipofmythroat,pressingintooneofmymarkings.Agutturalsoundrisesfromsomeplacelowinhischest,makingmykneesweak.ThenheopenshismouthandIknowthathe’sgoingtotearmetopieces,he’sgoingtomaulme,he’sgoingtodevourme—
“You,”hesays,voicedeep,almosttoolowtohear.“Howthefuckdoyousmelllikethis?”
Lessthantenminuteslaterheslipsaringaroundmyfinger,andwesweartoloveeachothertillthedaywedie.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER1
It’sbeenstormingforthreedaysstraightwhenhefinallyreturnsfromameetingwiththeleaderoftheBigBendhuddle.Twoofhissecondsarealreadyinsidehishome,waitingforhimwithwaryexpressions.
“TheVampyrewoman—shebackedout.”
Hegruntsashewipeshisface.Smartofher,hethinks.
“Buttheyfoundareplacement,”Caladds,slidingamanilafolderonthecounter.“Everything’sinhere.Theywanttoknowifshehasyourapproval.”
“Weproceedasplanned.”
Calhuffsoutalaugh.Florfrowns.“Don’tyouwanttolookatthe—”
“No.Thischangesnothing.”
They’reallthesame,anyway.
Sixweeksbeforetheceremony
Sheshowsupatthestart-upwhereIworkonanearlyThursdayevening,whenthesunhasalreadysetandtheentirebullpeniscontemplatinggrievousbodilyharm.
Againstme.
IdoubtIdeservethislevelofhatred,butIdounderstandit.Andthat’swhyIdon’tmakeafusswhenIreturntomydeskfollowingabriefmeetingwithmymanagerandnoticethestateofmystapler.Honestly,it’sfine.Iworkfromhome90percentofthetimeandrarelyprintanything.Whocaresifsomeonesmearedbirdshitonit?
“Don’ttakeitpersonally,Missy.”Pierceleansagainstourcubicledivider.Hissmileislessconcernedfriend,moresmarmyusedcarsalesman;evenhisbloodsmellsoily.
“Iwon’t.”Otherpeople’sapprovalisapowerfuldrug.Luckyme,Inevergotthechancetodevelopanaddiction.Ifthere’ssomethingI’mgoodat,it’srationalizingmypeers’contempttowardme.I’vebeentraininglikepianoprodigies:tirelesslyandsinceearlychildhood.
“Noneedtosweatit.”
“I’mnot.”Literally.Ibarelyownthenecessaryglands.
“Anddon’tlistentoWalker.Hedidn’tsaywhatyouthinkhedid.”
Prettysureitwas“nastybitch”andnot“tastypeach”thatheyelledacrosstheconferenceroom,butwhoknows?
“Itcomeswiththeterritory.You’dbemad,too,ifsomeonedidapenetrationtestagainstafirewallyou’vebeenworkingonforweeksandbreacheditinwhat,onehour?”
Itwasmaybeathirdofthat,evencountingthebreakItookinthemiddleafterrealizinghowquicklyIwasblowingthroughthesystem.Ispentitonlineshoppingforanewhamper,sinceSerena’sdamncatseemstobeasleepinmyoldonewheneverIneedtodolaundry.Itextedherapictureofthereceipt,followedbyYouandyourcatowemesixteendollars.ThenIsatandwaitedforareply,likeIalwaysdo.
Itdidn’tcome.NorhadIexpecteditwould.
“Peoplewillgetoverit,”hePierceson.“Andhey,youneverbringlunch,sononeedtoworrysomeone’llspitinyourTupperware.”Heburstsintolaughter.Iturntomycomputermonitor,hopinghe’llpeaceout.Boy,amIwrong.“Andtobehonest,it’skindofonyou.Ifyoutriedtominglemore…Personally,Igetyourloner,mysterious,quietvibe.Butsomereadyouasaloof,likeyouthinkyou’rebetterthanus.Ifyoumadeaneffortto—”
“Misery.”
WhenIhearmynamecalled—therealone—forasplit,exceptionallydumbsecond,Iexperiencereliefthatthisconversationisgoingtobeover.ThenIcranemyneckandnoticethewomanstandingontheothersideofthedivider.Herfaceisdistantlyfamiliar,andsoistheblackhair,butit’snotuntilIfocusonherheartbeatthatImanagetoplaceher.It’sslowlikeonlyaVampyre’scanbe,and…
Well.
Shit.
“Vania?”
“You’rehardtofind,”shetellsme,voicemelodicandlow.Ibrieflycontemplateslammingmyheadagainstthekeyboard.Thensettleforreplyingcalmly:
“That’sbydesign.”
“Ifigured.”
Imassagemytemple.Whataday.Whatafuckingday.“Andyet,hereyouare.”
“Andyet,hereIam.”
“Why,hello.”Pierce’ssmilegetsanotchslimierasheturnstoleeratVania.Hiseyesstartatherhighheels,travelupthestraightlinesofherdarkpantsuit,stoponherfullbreasts.Idon’treadminds,buthe’sthinkingMILFsohard,Icanpracticallyhearit.“AreyouafriendofMissy’s?”
“Youcouldsaythat,yes.Sinceshewasachild.”
“OhmyGod.Dotell,howwasbabyMissy?”
ThecornerofVania’slipstwitches.“Shewas…odd,anddifficult.Ifoftenuseful.”
“Wait—areyoutworelated?”
“No.I’mherfather’sRightHand,HeadofhisGuard,”shesays,lookingatme.“Andshehasbeensummoned.”
Istraighteninmychair.“Where?”
“TheNest.”
Thisisnotrare—it’sunprecedented.ExcludingsporadicphonecallsandevenmoresporadicmeetingswithOwen,Ihaven’tspokenwithanotherVampyreinyears.Becausenoonehasreachedout.
IshouldtellVaniatofuckoff.I’mnolongerachildstuckonafool’serrand:goingbacktomyfatherwithanyexpectationsthatheandtherestofmypeoplewon’tbetotalassholesisanexerciseinfutility,andI’mwellawareofit.Butapparentlythishalf-assedovertureismakingmeforget,becauseIhearmyselfasking,“Why?”
“You’llhavetocomeandfindout.”Vania’ssmiledoesn’treachhereyes.Isquint,liketheansweristattooedonherface.Meanwhile,Pierceremindsusofhisunfortunateexistence.
“Ladies.Righthand?Summon?”Helaughs,loudandgrating.Iwanttoflickhisforeheadandmakehimhurt,butI’mstartingtofeelafrissonofworryforthisfool.“AreyouguysintoLARPingor…”
Hefinallyshutsup.BecausewhenVaniaturnstohim,notrickofthelightcouldhidethepurplehueofhereyes.Norherlong,perfectlywhitefangs,gleamingundertheelectriclights.
“Y-you…”Piercelooksbetweenusforseveralseconds,mutteringsomethingincoherent.
Andthat’swhenVaniadecidestoruinmylifeandsnapherteethathim.
Isigh,pinchingthebridgeofmynose.
Piercespinsonhisheelsandsprintspastmycubicle,runningoverapottedbenjaminfig.“Vampyre!Vampyre—there’sa—AVampyreisattackingus,someonecalltheBureau,someonecallthe—”
VaniatakesoutalaminatedcardwiththeHuman-VampyreRelationsBureaulogo,onethatgrantsherdiplomaticimmunityinHumanterritory.Butthere’snoonetolookatit:thebullpenhaseruptedintoasmallpanic,andmostofmycoworkersarescreaming,alreadyhalfwaydowntheemergencystairs.Peopletrampleeachothertogettothenearestexit.IseeWalkerdartoutofthebathroom,astripoftoiletpaperdanglingfromhiskhakis,andfeelmyshouldersslump.
“Ilikedthisjob,”ItellVania,grabbingtheframedPolaroidofmeandSerenaandresignedlystuffingitintomybag.“Itwaseasy.Theyboughtmycircadianrhythmdisorderexcuseandletmecomeinatnight.”
“Myapologies,”shesays.Unapologetic.“Comewithme.”
Ishouldtellhertofuckoff,andIwill.Inthemeantime,Igiveintomycuriosityandfollowher,straighteningthepoorbenjaminfigonmywayout.
TheNestisstillthetallestbuildinginthenorthofTheCity,andperhapsthemostdistinctive:abloodredpodiumthatstretchesundergroundforhundredsoffeet,toppedbyamirrorskyscraperthatcomesalivearoundsunsetandslidesbacktosleepintheearlyhoursofthemorning.
IbroughtSerenahereonce,whensheaskedtoseewhattheheartoftheVampyreterritorywaslike,andshestaredopen-mouthed,jarredbythesleeklinesandultramoderndesign.She’dbeenexpectingcandelabras,andheavyvelvetdrapestoblockthemurderoussun,andthecorpsesofourenemieshangingfromtheceiling,bloodmilkedfromtheirveinstotheverylastdrop.Batartwork,inhonorofourwinged,chiropterousforefathers.Coffins,justbecause.
“It’snice.Ijustthoughtit’dbemore…metal?”shemused,notatallintimidatedattheideaofbeingtheonlyHumaninanelevatorfullofVampyres.Thememorystillmakesmesmileyearslater.
Flexiblespaces,automatedsystems,integratedtools—that’swhattheNestis.Notjustthecrownjewelofourterritory,butalsothecenterofourcommunity.Aplaceforshopsandofficesanderrands,whereanythingoneofuscouldneed,fromnonurgenthealthcaretoazoningpermittofivelitersofABpositive,canbeeasilyobtained.Andthen,intheuppermostfloors,thebuildersmaderoomforsomeprivatequarters,someofwhichhavebeenpurchasedbythemostinfluentialfamiliesinoursociety.
Mostlymyfamily.
“Followme,”Vaniasayswhenthedoorsswishopen,andIdo,flankedbytwouniformedcouncilguardswhoaremostdefinitelynotheretoprotectme.Abitoffensive,thatI’mbeingtreatedlikeanintruderintheplacewhereIwasborn,especiallyaswewalkparalleltoawallthat’splasteredwithportraitsofmyancestors.Theymorphoverthecenturies,fromoilstoacrylicstophotographs,graytoKodachrometodigital.Whatstaysthesamearetheexpressions:distant,arrogant,andfrankly,unhappy.Notahealthything,power.
TheonlyLarkIrecognizefrompersonalexperienceistheoneclosesttoFather’soffice.MygrandfatherwasalreadyoldandalittledementedbythetimeOwenandIwereborn,andmymostvividmemoryofhimisfromthatonetimeIwokeupinthemiddleofthenighttofindhiminmybedroom,pointingatmewithtremblinghandsandyellingintheTongue,somethingaboutmebeingdestinedforagrislydeath.
Infairness,hewasn’twrong.
“Inhere,”Vaniasayswithasoftknocktothedoor.“Thecouncilmaniswaitingforyou.”
Iscanherface.Vampyresarenotimmortal;wegrowoldthesameaseveryotherspecies,but…damn.Shelookslikeshehasn’tagedadaysincesheescortedmetotheCollateralexchangeceremony.Seventeenyearsago.
“Istheresomethingyouneed?”
“No.”Iturnandreachforthedoorknob.Hesitate.“Ishesick?”
Vaniaseemsamused.“Youthinkhe’dcallyouhereforthat?”
Ishrug.Ican’tthinkofasingleotherreasonhe’dwanttoseeme.
“Forwhat?Tocommiserate?Orfindsolaceinyourfilialaffection?YouhavebeenamongtheHumansfartoolong.”
“Iwasthinkingmorealongthelinesofhimneedingakidney.”
“WeareVampyres,Misery.Weactforthegoodofthemost,ornotatall.”
She’sgonebeforeIcanrollmyeyes,orserveherthat“fuckoff”I’vebeenmeaningto.Isigh,glanceatthestone-facedguardssheleftbehind,andthenwalkintomyfather’soffice.
ThefirstthingsInoticearethetwowallsofwindows,whichisexactlywhatFatherwants.EveryHumanI’vetalkedwithassumesthatVampyreshatelightandrelishdarkness,buttheycouldn’tbemorewrong.Thesunmaybeforbiddentous,toxicalwaysanddeathlyinlargequantities,butthat’spreciselywhywecovetitwithsuchintensity.Windowsarealuxury,becausetheyneedtobetreatedwithabsurdlyexpensivematerialsthatfiltereverythingthatmightharmus.Andwindowsthislargearethemostbombasticofstatussymbols,inafulldisplayofdynasticpowerandobscenewealth.Andbeyondthem…
TheriverthatslicesTheCityintoNorthandSouth—us,andthem.OnlyafewhundredfeetseparatetheNestfromWereterritory,buttheriverbankislitteredwithoutlooktowers,checkpoints,andguardposts,heavilymonitoredtwenty-fourseven.Asinglebridgeexists,butaccesstoitiscloselysurveilledinbothdirections,andasfarasIknow,novehiclehastraveledacrossitsincewellbeforeIwasborn.Pastthat,thereareafewWeresecurityareas,andthedeepgreenofanoakforestthatstretchessouthformiles.
IalwaysthoughtitsmartofthemnottobuildciviliansettlementsnexttooneofthemostsanguinarybordersintheSouthwest.WhenOwenandIwerechildren,beforeIwassentaway,FatherwalkedinonuswonderingwhytheVampyreheadquartershadbeenplacedsoclosetoourmostlethalenemies.“Toremember,”heexplained.“Andtoremind.”
Idon’tknow.Twentyyearslater,itstillseemsprettyfuckeduptome.
“Misery.”Fatherfinishestappingatthetouchscreenmonitorandstandsfromhisluxurymahoganydesk,unsmilingbutnotcold.“It’sgoodtoseeyouhereagain.”
“Itsureissomething.”ThepastfewyearshavebeenkindtoHenryLark.Iexaminehistallframe,triangularface,andwide-seteyes,andI’mremindedofhowmuchItakeafterhim.Hisblondhairisalittlegrayer,butstillperfectlyslickedback.I’veneverseenitanythingbut—neverseenFatherlessthanimpeccablyputtogether.Tonightthesleevesofhiswhitebutton-downmayberolledback,butmeticulouslyso.Ifthey’remeanttotrickmeintothinkingthatthisisacasualmeeting,they’vefailed.
Andthat’swhy,whenhepointsattheleatherchairinfrontofhisdeskandsays,“Sit,”Idecidetoleanbackagainstthedoor.
“Vaniasaysyou’renotdying.”I’maimingforrude.Unfortunately,IthinkIjustsoundcurious.
“Itrustthatyou’rehealthy,too.”Hesmilesfaintly.“Howhavethelastsevenyearstreatedyou?”
Thereisabeautifulvintageclockbehindhishead.Iwatchittickeightsecondsbeforesaying,“Justpeachy.”
“Yes?”Hegivesmeaonce-over.“You’dbetterremovethem,Misery.SomeonemightmistakeyouforaHuman.”
He’sreferringtomybrowncontacts.WhichIconsideredtakingoutinthecar,beforedecidingnottobother.Theproblemis,therearemanyothersignsthatI’vebeenlivingamongtheHumans,mostnotsoquicklyreversible.ThefangsIshavetodullpointseveryweek,forinstance,areunlikelytoescapehisnotice.“Iwasatwork.”
“Ah,yes.Vaniamentionedyouhaveajob.Somethingwithcomputers,knowingyou?”
“Somethinglikethat.”
Henods.“Andhowisyourlittlefriend?Onceagainsafeandsound,Itrust.”
Istiffen.“Howdoyouknowshe—”
“Oh,Misery.Youdidn’treallythinkthatyourcommunicationswithOwenwentunmonitored,didyou?”
Iclenchmyfistsbehindmybackandseriouslydebateslammingthedoorbehindmeandreturninghome.Buttheremustbeareasonhebroughtmehere,andIneedtoknowit.SoItakemyphoneoutofmypocket,andonceI’msittingacrossfromFather,Ilayitfaceuponhisdesk.
Itaponthetimerapp,setitforexactlytenminutes,andturnittowardhim.ThenIleanbackinthechair.“WhyamIhere?”
“It’sbeenyearssinceIlastsawmyonlydaughter.”Hepresseshislipstogether.“Isthatnotenoughreason?”
“Nineminutesandforty-threesecondsleft.”
“Misery.Mychild.”TheTongue.“Whyareyouangryatme?”
Iliftmyeyebrow.
“Youshouldnotfeelanger,butpride.Therightchoiceistheonethatensureshappinessforthelargestnumberofpeople.Andyouwerethemeanstothatchoice.”
Istudyhimcalmly.I’mpositivethathereallydoesbelievethisbullshit.Thathethinkshe’sagoodguy.“Nineminutesandtwenty-twoseconds.”
Helooksbriefly,genuinelysad.Thenhesays,“Thereistobeawedding.”
Ijerkmyheadback.“Awedding?Asin…liketheHumansdo?”
“Amarriageceremony.LiketheVampyresusedtohave.”
“Whose?Yours?Areyougoingto…”Idon’tbotherfinishingthesentence—thesheerthoughtisludicrous.It’snotjustweddingsthathavegoneoutoffashionhundredsofyearsago,buttheentireideaoflong-termrelationships.Asitturnsout,whenyourspeciessucksatproducingchildren,encouragingsexualwalkaboutsandthesearchforreproductivelycompatiblepartnerstakesprecedenceoverromance.IdoubtVampyreswereeverparticularlyromantic,anyway.“Whose?”
Fathersighs.“Yettobedecided.”
Idon’tlikethis,notanyofit,butI’mnotsurewhyyet.Somethingpricklesinmyear,awhisperthatIshouldgetthehelloutnow,butasI’mabouttostand,Fathersays,“SinceyouchosetoliveamongtheHumans,youmusthavebeenfollowingtheirnews.”
“Someofit,”Ilie.WecouldbeatwarwithEurasiaandonthevergeofcloningunicorns,andI’dhavenoclue.I’vebeenbusy.Searching.Scouring.“Why?”
“TheHumansrecentlyhadanelection.”
Ihadnoidea,butInod.“Wonderwhatthat’slike.”Aleadershipstructurethat’snotanunattainablecouncilwhosemembershipisrestrictedtoahandfuloffamilies,passeddownfromgenerationtogenerationlikeachippedchinaset.
“Notideal.AsArthurDavenportwasnotreelected.”
“GovernorDavenport?”TheCityisdividedbetweenthelocalWerepackandtheVampyres,buttherestoftheSouthwestregionisalmostexclusivelyHuman.Andforthelastfewdecades,they’vechosenArthurDavenporttorepresentthem—asfarasIcanrecall,withlittlehesitation.Thatjerk.“Who’sthenewguy?”
“Awoman.MaddieGarciaisthegovernor-elect,andhertermwillstartinafewmonths.”
“Andyourtakeonher…?”Hemusthaveone.Father’scollaborationwithGovernorDavenportisthedrivingforcebehindtheamicablerelationshipbetweenourtwopeople.
Well.Amicablemightbetoostrongofaword.TheaverageHumanstillthinksthatwe’regaggingtosucktheircattledryandmind-scrambletheirlovedones;theaverageVampyrestillthinksthatHumansarecunningbutfeckless,andthattheirmaintalentisforprocreatingandfillingtheuniversewithmoreHumans.It’snotlikeourspecieshangout,asidefromverylimited,highlyartificialdiplomaticevents.Butwehaven’tbeenovertlymurderingeachotherincoldbloodforawhile,andwe’realliesagainsttheWeres.Awinisawin,right?
“Ihavenoopinion,”hetellsme,impassible.“NorwillIhavetheopportunitytoformonesoon,asMs.Garciahasrefusedallmyrequestsformeetings.”
“Ah.”Ms.GarciamustbewiserthanIam.
“However,Iamstilltaskedwithguaranteeingthesafetyofmypeople.AndonceGovernorDavenportisgone,inadditiontotheWerethreatthatweconstantlyfaceatthesouthernborder,theremightbeoneatthenorth.FromtheHumans.”
“Idoubtshewantstrouble,Father.”Ipickatmynailpolish.“She’llprobablyjustleavethecurrentallianceasitisandcutdownontheceremonialbullshit—”
“Herteamhasinformedusthatassoonasshetakesoffice,theCollateralprogramwillbenomore.”
Ifreeze.Andthenslowlylookup.“What?”
“WehavebeenformallyaskedtoreturntheHumanCollateral.Andtheywillsendbackthegirlwho’scurrentlyservingastheVampyreCollateral—”
“Boy,”Icorrecthimautomatically.Myfingertipsfeelnumb.“ThecurrentVampyreCollateralisaboy.”Imethimonce.Hehaddarkhairandaconstantfrownandsaid“No,thankyou”whenIaskedifheneededhelpcarryingastackofbooks.Bynowhemightverywellbeastallasme.
“Whateveritmightbe,thereturnwillhappennextweek.TheHumanshavedecidednottowaitforMaddieGarciatotakeoffice.”
“Idon’tsee…”Iswallow.Gathermyself.“It’sforthebest.It’sastupidpractice.”
“IthasbeenensuringpeacebetweentheVampyresandtheHumansforoveronehundredyears.”
“Seemsalittlecrueltome,”Icountercalmly.“Askinganeight-year-oldtorelocatealoneinsideenemyterritorytoplayhostage.”
“?‘Hostage’issuchacrude,simplisticword.”
“YouholdaHumanchildasadeterrentfortenyears,withthemutualunderstandingthatiftheHumansviolatethetermsofouralliance,theVampyreswillinstantlymurderthechild.Thatseemscrudeandsimplistic,too.”
Father’seyesnarrow.“It’snotunilateral.”Hisvoicegrowsharder.“TheHumansholdaVampyrechildforthesamereason—”
“Iknow,Father.”Ileanforward.“IwasthepreviousVampyreCollateral,incaseyouhaveforgotten.”
Iwouldn’tputitpasthim—butno.HemightnotrecallthewayItriedtoholdhishandasthearmoredsedandroveusnorth,ormetryingtohidebehindVania’sthighwhenIfirstgotaglimpseoftheHumans’oddlycoloredeyes.Hemightnotknowhowitfelt,growingupwiththeknowledgethatiftheceasefirebetweenusandtheHumansbrokedown,thesamecaregiverswho’dtaughtmehowtorideabikewouldcomeintomyroomanddriveaknifethroughmyheart.HemightnotdwellonthefactthathesenthisdaughtertobetheeleventhCollateral,tenyearsaprisoneramongpeoplewhohatedherkind.
Buthedoesremember.BecausethefirstruleoftheCollateral,ofcourse,isthattheyhavetobecloselytiedtothoseinpower.Thosewhomakedecisionsconcerningpeaceandwar.AndifMaddieGarciadoesn’twanttothrowamemberofherfamilyunderthebusinthenameofpublicsafety,thatonlymakesmerespecthermore.TheboywhotookoverwhenIturnedeighteenisthegrandsonofCouncilwomanEwing.AndwhenIservedastheVampyreCollateral,myHumancounterpartwasthegrandsonofGovernorDavenport.IusedtowonderifhefeltlikeIdid—sometimesangry,sometimesresigned.Mostlyexpendable.I’dsurelovetoknowif,nowthatyearshavepassed,hegetsalongwithhisfamilybetterthanIdowithmine.
“AlexandraBoden.Doyourememberher?”Father’stoneisbacktoconversational.“Youwerebornthesameyear.”
Isitbackinmychair,unsurprisedbytheabruptchangeoftopic.“Redhair?”
Henods.“Alittlemorethanaweekago,herlittlebrother,Abel,turnedfifteen.Thatnight,heandthreefriendswereoutpartying,andfoundthemselvesneartheriver.Emboldenedbytheiryouthandfeeble-mindedness,theychallengedeachothertoswimacrossit,touchtheriverbankthatbelongstoWereterritory,andthenswimback.Ashowofbravery,ifyouwill.”
I’mnotinvestedinthefateofAlexandraBoden’sbrattybrother,butmybodygoesicycoldnonetheless.AllVampyrechildrenaretaughtaboutthedangerofthesouthernborder.WealllearnwhereourterritoryendsandtheWeres’beginsbeforewecanspeak.AndweallknownottomesswithanythingWere.
Exceptforthesefouridiots,clearly.
“They’redead,”Imurmur.
Father’slipscurlupinsomethingthatlooksverylittlelikecompassion,andalotlikeannoyance.“It’swhattheydeserved,inmyfrankopinion.Ofcourse,whentheboyscouldn’tbefound,theworstwasassumed.AnselBoden,theboy’sfather,hasstrongtiestoseveralcouncilfamilies,andpetitionedforaretaliatoryact.Hearguedthattheirdisappearancewouldjustifyit.Hewasremindedthatthegoodofourpeopleasawholecomesbeforethegoodoftheone—thebasicprincipleVampyresocietyrelieson.Birthratesareatourlowest,andwearefacingextinction.Thisisnotthetimetostokeconflict.Andyet,inanunbecomingdisplayofweakness,hecontinuedtobeg.”
“Disgusting.Howdarehegrieveforhisson.”
Fathergivesmeascathinglook.“Becauseofhisrelationshiptothecouncil,hecameclosetohavinghisway.Justlastweek,whileyouwerebusypretendingtobeHuman,wewereclosertoaninterspecieswarthanwe’vebeeninacentury.Andthen,twodaysaftertheirdull-wittedstunt…”Fatherstands.Hewalksaroundthedeskandthenleansbackagainstitsedge,thepictureofrelaxation.“Theboysreappeared.Intact.”
Iblink,ahabitIpickedupwhilepretendingtobeHuman.“Theircorpses?”
“Theyarealive.Shaken,ofcourse.TheywereinterrogatedbyWereguards—treatedasspies,atfirst,andthenasunrulynuisances.Buttheywereeventuallyreturnedhome,wholeandhealthy.”
“How?”Icanthinkofhalfadozenincidentsinthepasttwentyyearsinwhichborderswerebreachedandwhateverwasleftoftheoffendersgotsentbackinpieces.Itmostlyhappensoutsidecitylimits,inthedemilitarizedwoodlands.Regardless,Wereshavebeenmercilesstoourpeople,andwehavebeenmercilesstowardWeres.Whichmeansthat…“Whatchanged?”
“Anintelligentquestion.Yousee,mostofthecouncilassumedthatRoscoewasgrowingtenderinhisoldage.”Roscoe.TheAlphaoftheSouthwestpack.I’veheardFathertalkabouthimeversinceIwasachild.“ButI’vemetRoscoeonce.Justonce—hewasalwaysclearabouthisdisinterestindiplomacy,andpeoplelikehimarelikeskullbones.Theyonlyhardenwithtime.”Heturnstowardthewindow.“TheWeresareassecretiveaseverabouttheirsociety.Butwedohavesomewaystoobtainintel,andaftersendingoversomeinquiries—”
“Therewasachangeintheirleadershipstructure.”
“Verygood.”Heseemspleased,asthoughI’mastudentwhomasteredthetransitivepropertywellaheadofexpectations.“MaybeIshouldhavechosenyouasmysuccessor.Owenhasshownlittlecommitmenttotherole.Heappearstobemoreinterestedinsocializing.”
Iwavemyhand.“I’msurethatwhenyouannounceyourretirementhe’llstopcarousingaroundwithhiscouncilmanheirfriendsandbecometheperfectVampyrepoliticianyoualwaysdreamthe’dbe.”Not.“TheWeres.Whatkindofchange?”
“Itappearsthatafewmonthsago,someone…challengedRoscoe.”
“Challenged?”
“Theirsuccessionofpowerisnotparticularlysophisticated.Weresaremostcloselyrelatedtodogs,afterall.Sufficetosay,Roscoeisdead.”
Irefrainfrompointingoutthatourdynastic,hereditaryoligarchiesseemevenmoreprimitive,andthatdogsareuniversallybeloved.“Haveyoumetthem?ThenewAlpha?”
“Aftertheboyswerereturnedsafely,Irequestedameetingwithhim.Tomysurprise,heaccepted.”
“Hedid?”IhatethatI’minvested.“And?”
“Iwascurious,yousee.Mercyisn’talwaysasignofweakness,butitcanbe.”Hiseyestakeasuddenfarawaybent,thenslidetoapieceofartontheeasternwall—asimplecanvaspaintedadeeppurple,tocommemoratethebloodspilledduringtheAster.Similarartcanbefoundinmostpublicspaces.“Andbetrayalisbornofweakness,Misery.”
“Isit,now?”Alwaysthoughtbetrayalwasjustbetrayal,butwhatdoIknow?
“Heisnotweak,thenewAlpha.Onthecontrary.Heis…”Fatherpullsbackintohimself.“Somethingelse.Somethingnew.”Hiseyessettleonme,waiting,patient,andIshakemyhead,becauseIcannotimaginewhatreasonhemighthavetotellmeallofthis.WhereIcouldpossiblycomeintoplay.
Untilsomethingwormsitswaythroughthebackofmyhead.“Whydidyoumentionawedding?”Iask,withoutbotheringtohidethesuspicioninmyvoice.
Fathernods.IthinkImusthaveaskedtherightquestion,especiallybecausehedoesn’tanswerit.“YougrewupamongtheHumans,anddidnothavetheadvantageofaVampyreeducation,soyoumaynotknowthefullhistoryofourconflictwiththeWeres.Yes,wehavebeenatoddsforcenturies,butattemptsatdialogueweremade.TherehavebeenfiveinterspeciesmarriagesbetweenusandtheWeres,duringwhichnoborderskirmisheswererecorded,norVampyredeathsatthehandsofWeres.Thelastwastwohundredyearsago—afifteen-yearmarriagebetweenaVampyreandhisWerebride.Whenshedied,anotherunionwasarranged,onethatdidnotendwell.”
“TheAster.”
“TheAster,yes.”ThesixthweddingceremonyendedincarnagewhentheWeresattackedtheVampyres,who,afterdecadesofpeace,hadbecomealittletootrusting,andmadethemistakeofshowinguptoaweddingmostlyunarmed.BetweentheWeres’superiorstrengthandtheelementofsurprise,itwasabloodbath—mostlyours.Purple,withasprinklingofgreen.Justlikeanaster.“Wedon’tknowwhytheWeresdecidedtoturnonus,buteversinceourrelationshipwiththemirreparablybrokedown,therehasbeenoneconstant:wehadanalliancewiththeHumans,andtheWeresdidnot.TherearetenWeresforeveryVampyre,andhundredsofHumansforbothourspeciescombined.Yes,HumansmaylackVampyres’talents,orWeres’speedandstrength,butthereispowerinnumbers.Havingthemonoursidewas…reassuring.”Father’sjawclenches.Then,afteralongtime,relaxes.“Certainly,youcanseewhyMaddieGarcia’srefusaltomeetwithmeisaconcern.EvenmoresobecauseofherrelativewarmthtowardtheWeres.”
Myeyeswiden.ImaybeabitcheckedoutoftheHumanculturallandscape,butIdidn’tthinkdiplomaticrelationshipswiththeWereswouldbeontheirstatecraftbucketlistfortheyear.AsfarasIknow,they’vealwaysignoredeachother—nottoodifficult,sincetheydon’tshareimportantborders.“TheHumansandtheWeres.Indiplomatictalks.”
“Correct.”
Iremainskeptical.“DidtheAlphatellyouthiswhenyoumet?”
“No.Thisisintelweobtainedseparately.TheAlphatoldmeotherthings.”
“Suchas?”
“Heisyoung,yousee.Aroundyourageandbuiltofadifferentstock.AssavageasRoscoe,perhaps,butmoreopen-minded.Hebelievesthatpeaceintheregionispossible.Thatalliancesamongallthreespeciesshouldbecultivated.”
Isnortoutalaugh.“Goodluckwiththat.”
Father’sheadtiltstotheside,andhiseyeszeroinonme,assessing.“YouknowwhyIchoseyoutobetheCollateral?Andnotyourbrother?”
Oh,no.Notthisconversation.“Tossedacoin?”
“Youweresuchapeculiarchild,Misery.Alwaysuninterestedinwhatwentonaroundyou,lockedinavaultinsideyourhead,hardtoreach.Withdrawn.Theotherchildrenwouldtrytobecomeyourfriends,andyou’dstubbornlyleavethemhanging—”
“TheotherchildrenknewthatI’dbetheonesenttotheHumans,andtheystartedcallingmefanglesstraitorassoonastheycouldformfullsentences.OrhaveyouforgottenwhenIwasseven,andthesonsanddaughtersofyourfellowcouncilmenstolemyclothesandpushedmeoutinthesunrightbeforemidday?AndthosesamepeoplespatonmeandmockedmewhenIreturnedfromtenyearsservingastheirCollateral,soI’mnot—”Iexhaleslowly,andremindmyselfthatthisisfineIamfine.Untouchable.I’mtwenty-fiveandIhavemyfakeHumanIDs,myapartment,mycat(fuckyou,Serena),my…Okay,Iprobablydon’thaveajobrightnow,butI’llfindanothersoon,with100percentfewerPierces.Ihavefriends—afriend.Probably.
Aboveall,I’vetaughtmyselfnottocare.Aboutanything.
“Theweddingyoumentioned.Whoseisit?”
Fatherpresseshislipstogether.Severalmomentstickbybeforehespeaksagain.“WhenaWereandaVampyrestandinfrontofeachother,alltheyseeis—”
“TheAster.”Iglancedownatmyphone,impatient.“Threeminutesandforty-sevenseconds—”
“TheyseeaweddingbetweenaVampyreandanAlphathatwassupposedtobrokerpeace,butendedindeath.TheWeresareanimals,andalwayswillbe,butweareontheroadtoextinction,andthegoodofthemostmustbeconsidered.IfwelettheHumansandWeresformanalliancethatexcludesus,theycouldcompletelywipeusout—”
“OhmyGod.”Itsuddenlydawnsonme,thecrazy,ridiculousplacewherehe’sheading,andIcovermyeyes.“Youarejoking,right?”
“Misery.”
“No.”Iletoutalaugh.“You…Father,wecannotmarryourwayoutofthiswar.”Idon’tknowwhyI’veswitchedtotheTongue,butittakeshimaback.Andmaybethat’sgood,maybethisiswhatheneeds.Amomenttothinkthismadnessthrough.“Whowouldagreetothis?”
Fatherlooksatmesopointedly,Iknow.Ijustknow.
AndIburstintolaughter.
IonlyeverlaughedoutloudwithSerena,whichmeansthatitmusthavebeenwelloveramonthsinceIlastdidit.Mybrainnearlyhiccups,startledatthesenewfangled,mysterioussoundsmyvoiceboxisproducing.“Didyoudrinkrottenblood?Becauseyou’reunhinged.”
“WhatIamischargedwithensuringthegoodofthemost,andthegoodofthemostisthefurtheringofourpeople”Heseemssomewhatoffendedbymyreaction,butIcannothelpthelaughterbubblinginmythroat.“Itwouldbeajob,Misery.Compensated.”
Thisis—God,thisisfunny.Andmental.“Noamountoflegaltenderwouldconvincemeto—Isittenbilliondollars?”
“No.”
“Well,noloweramountoflegaltenderwouldconvincemetomarryaWere.”
“Financially,youwillbesetforlife.Youknowthecouncil’spocketsaredeep.Andthereisnoexpectationofarealmarriage.You’dbewithhiminnameonly.You’llbeinWereterritoryforasingleyear,whichwillsendthemessagethatVampyrescanbesafewithWeres—”
“Vampyrescannot.”Ishoottomyfeetandbeginpacingawayfromhim,massagingmytemple.“Whyareyouaskingme?Icannotbeyourfirstchoice.”
“Youaren’t,”hesaysflatly.Hehasplentyoffaults,butlackofhonestywasneveramongthem.“Noroursecond.Thecouncilisinagreementthatwemustact,andseveralmembershaveofferedtheirrelatives.Originally,CouncilmanEssen’sdaughteragreed.Butshehadachangeofheart—”
“Oh,God.”Istoppacing.“You’retreatingthisasaCollateralexchange.”
“Ofcourse.AndsoaretheWeres.TheAlphawillsendaWeretous.Someoneimportanttohim.Shewillbewithusforaslongasyouarewithhim.Ensuringyourreciprocalsafety.”
Bonkers.Thisisabsolutelybonkers
Itakeagroundingbreath.“Well,I…”Thinkeveryoneinvolvedhaslosttheirmind,andwhoevershowsuptothatweddingisgoingtogetslaughtered,andIcannotbelieveyoursheerpresumptioninaskingthisofme.“…amhonoredthatyoueventuallythoughtofme,butno.Thanks.”
“Misery.”
Iwalktothedesktopickupmyphone—oneminute,thirteensecondsleft—andforabriefmoment,I’msoclosetoFather,Ifeeltherhythmofhisbloodinmybones.Slow,steady,painfullyfamiliar.
Heartbeatsarelikefingerprints,oneofakind,distinctive,theeasiestwaytotellpeopleapart.Father’swaspressedintomyfleshonthedayIwasborn,whenhewasthefirstpersontoholdme,thefirstpersontocareforme,thefirstpersontoknowme.
Andthenhewashedhishandsofme.
“No,”Isay.Tohim.Tomyself.
“Roscoe’sdeathisanopportunity.”
“Roscoe’sdeathwasmurder,”Ipointoutevenly.“Bythehandofthemanyou’dhavememarry.”
“YouknowhowmanyVampyrechildrenwerebornthisyearintheSouthwest?”
“Idon’tcare.”
“Fewerthanthreehundred.IftheWeresandtheHumansjoinforcestotakeourlandfromus,theywillwipeusout.Completely.Thegoodofthemost—”
“—isacauseI’vealreadydonatedto,andnooneisshowingmemuchgratitude.”Imeethiseyessquarely.Slidemyphoneintomypocketwithdetermination.“I’vedoneenough.IhavealifeandI’mgoingbacktoit.”
“Doyou?”
Istophalfwaythroughturningaround.“Excuseme?”
“Doyouhavealife,Misery?”Helooksatmewhenhesaysit,pointed,careful,likehe’spushingasharpweaponameremillimeterintomyneck.
Ineedyoutocareaboutonesinglefuckingthing,Misery,onethingthat’snotme.
Ipushthememoryawayandswallow.“Goodluckfindingsomeoneelse.”
“Youfeelunwelcomeamongyourpeople.Thiscouldrehabilitateyouintheireyes.”
Afrissonofangerrunsthroughmyspine.“IthinkI’llholdoffonthat,Father.Atleastuntiltheyhaverehabilitatedthemselvesinmine.”Itakeafewstepsbackward,cheerfullywavingmyhand.“I’mleaving.”
“Mytenminutesaren’tupyet.”
Myphonechoosesthatverymomenttobeep.“Exquisitetiming.”Iflashhimasmile.Ifmybluntfangsbotherhim,that’shisproblem.“Icansafelysaythatnoamountoftimewillchangetheoutcomeofthisconversation.”
“Misery.”Apleadingedgeiscreepingintohistone,whichisalmostentertaining.
Toobad.Sosad.“Seeyouin…sevenyears?OrwhenyoudecidethatthekeytopeaceisajointWere-VampyreMLMschemeandtrytosellmedietarysupplements.DohaveVaniafetchmeathome,though.Idonotlookforwardtoreorganizingmyrésumé.”Iturnaroundtofindthedoorknob.
“Therewon’tbeanotheropportunityinsevenyears,Misery.”
Irollmyeyesandopenthedoor.“Goodbye,Father.”
“MorelandisthefirstAlphawho—”
Islamthedoorshut,withoutfirstwalkingoutoftheoffice,andturnaround,backtowardFather.Myheartslowstoacrawlandthudsinmychest.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
Hestraightensupfromthedesk,fullofconfusionandsomethingthatcouldbehope.“NootherWereAlpha—”
“Thename.Yousaidaname.Who…?”
“Moreland?”herepeats.
“Hisfullname—what’shisfirstname?”
Father’seyesnarrowsuspiciously,butafterafewseconds,hesays,“Lowe.LoweMoreland.”
Ilookdownatthefloor,whichappearstobeshaking.Thenattheceiling.Itakeaseriesofdeepbreaths,eachoneslowerthantheother,andthenrunatremblinghandthroughmyhair,eventhoughmyarmweighsathousandpounds.
IwonderifthebluedressIworeatSerena’scollegegraduationwouldbetoocasualforaninterspeciesweddingceremony.Because,yeah.
IguessI’mgettingmarried.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER2
HeusedtothinkthatallVampyres’eyeslookedthesame.Hemayhavebeenwrongaboutthat.
Presentday
Suchanunfortunate,desolatechoice.WhatlovingparentwouldchoosetonametheirchildMisery?”
Idon’tconsidermyselfasensitiveperson.Asarule,I’mnotopposedtopeopleimplyingthatIamadisappointmenttomyfamilyandmyspecies.ButIdoaskforonething:thattheykeepthatshitawayfromme.
Andyet,hereIam.WithGovernorDavenport.LeaningonmyelbowsoverthebalconythatoverlooksthecourtyardwhereIjustgotmarried.Bitingbackasighbeforeexplaining:
“Thecouncil.”
“Pardon?”
GaugingintoxicationlevelsinHumansisalwaysastruggle,butI’mfairlysurethegovernorisnotnotdrunk.“Youaskedwhogavememyname.ItwastheVampyrecouncil.”
“Notyourparents?”
Ishakemyhead.“That’snothowitworks.”
“Ah.Arethere…magicritualsinvolved?Sacrificialaltars?Seers?”
Soself-centeredlyHuman,theassumptionthateverythingthat’sothermustbeshroudedinthesupernaturalandthearcane.Theynursetheirmythsandlegends,inwhichVampyresandWeresarecreaturesofmagicandlore,capableofcursesandmysticalacts.Theythinkusabletoseethefuture,tofly,tomakeourselvesinvisible.Becausewe’redifferentfromthem,ourexistencemustbegovernedbyotherworldlyforces—andnotsimply,liketheirs,bybiology.
Andmaybeacoupleofthermodynamicslaws.
Serenawaslikethat,too,whenIfirstmether.“Socrucifixesburnyou?”sheaskedmeacoupleofweeksintoourcohabitation,afterIfailedtoconvinceherthattheviscousredliquidIkeptinmyfridgewastomatojuice.
“Onlyifthey’re,like,veryhot.”
“Butyouguysdohategarlic?”
Ishrugged.“Wedon’treallyeatfoodingeneral,so…sure?”
“Andhowmanypeoplehaveyoukilled?”
“Zero,”Itoldher,appalled.“Howmanypeoplehaveyoukilled?”
“Hey,I’mHuman.”
“Humanskillallthetime.”
“Yeah,butindirectly.Bymakinghealthinsurancetooexpensiveorstubbornlyopposingguncontrol.Youguyssuckpeopledrytosurvive?”
Iscoffed.“Drinkingdirectlyfromapersoniskindagrossandnooneeverdoesit.”Itwasabitofalie,butatthetimeIwasn’tsurewhy.AllIknewwasthatafewyearsearlierOwenandIhadwalkedintothelibrarytofindFatherlatchedontotheneckofCouncilwomanSelamio.Owen,who’dbeenmoreprecociousandlessofasocialpariah,hadcoveredmyeyeswithhishandandinsistedthatthetraumawouldstuntourgrowth.He’dneverexplainedthereason,though.“Plus,bloodbanksarerightthere.Sothatwedon’tneedtohurtHumans.”Iwonderedifithadmoretodowiththefactthatkillingsomeonewouldbealotofexhaustingwork,whatwiththethrashingaround,andtheburyingofthecorpse,andtheHumanpolicepotentiallyshowingupinthemiddleoftheday,whenallwewantistocrawlintoadarkspace.
“Whatabouttheinvitationbusiness?”
“Thewhat?”
“Youneedtobeinvitedintoaroom,right?”Ishookmyhead,hatingthatshelookeddisappointed.Shewasfunny,anddirect,andalittleoddinawaythatmadeheratonceawesomeandapproachable.Iwasten,andIalreadylikedhermorethananyoneI’devermet.“Canyouatleastreadmymind?WhatamIthinkingabout?”
“Um.”Iscratchedmynose.“Thatbookyoulike.Withthewitches?”
“Notfair,I’malwaysthinkingaboutthatbook.WhatnumberamIthinking?”
“Ah…seven?”
Shegasped.“Misery!”
“DidIgetitright?”Holycrap
“No!Iwasthinkingofthreehundredandfifty-six.Whatelseisalie?”
Thethingis,HumansandWeresandVampyresmightbedifferentspecies,butwe’recloselyrelated.Whatsetsusaparthaslesstodowiththeoccult,andmorewithspontaneousgeneticmutationsthousandsofyearsdowntheline.And,ofcourse,thevalueswedevelopedinresponse.Alossofapurinebasehere,arepositioningofahydrogenatomthere,andta-da:Vampyresfeedexclusivelyonblood,arewimpswiththesun,andareconstantlyonedgeaboutextinction;Weresarefaster,stronger,(Iassume)hairier,andtheyworshipviolence.Butneitherofuscanwhipoutourmagicwandandliftasixty-poundsuitcaseontopofarack,orfindoutthePowerballnumbersinadvance—orturnintobats.
Atleast,Vampyresdon’t.Idon’tknowenoughabouttheWerestogetoffendedontheirbehalf.
“Nonamingrituals,”Itellthegovernor.“Justabusybodycouncil.NoonewantsfiveMadysonsinthesameclass.”Iholdforabeat.“Plus,itseemedfitting,sinceIdidkillmymother.”
Hehesitates,unsurehowtoreact,andthenletsoutanervouslaugh.“Ah.Well.Still,asaname,it’svery…”Helooksaround,asifgraspingfortheperfectword.
Oh,fine.“Miserable?”
Hefinger-gunsatmeandIshiver,eitherbecauseIhatehimorbecauseit’sstartingtogetwaytoocoldformyVampyreneedsandmylacejumpsuit.
Thegatheringcanonlybedefinedas“aparty”withlotsofgenerosity.Aboutonehourin,IdecidedthatIhadfinallyhadenough.Ifmyhusband—myhusband,whowasontheedgeofmurderingmeatouraltarofconnubialblissbecauseIstink—couldbeoffsomewherediscussingimportantmatterswithmyfather,I,too,couldsneakaway.
Imademywayuptothemezzaninebalconytobealone.Unfortunately,thegovernorhadthesameidea,andbroughtalongawateringcan’sworthofalcohol.Hedecidedtojoinme—heartbreaking—andseemsintentonmakingconversation—afuckingcataclysm.HiseyeskeepstrayingtoMaddieGarcia’stable,asthoughhe’stryingtoincinerateheraheadofherinaugurationnextmonth.IshouldprobablyjoinhiminhisresentmenttowardtheHumangovernor-elect,sinceherchoicesarewhatmadethisshamofamarriagenecessary,butIcannothelpadmiringthewayshehasbeenexpertlyavoidingmyfather.She’sdefinitelyasmartwoman.Unlikethebumblingidiotnexttome.
“It’sverybrave,whatyou’redoing,MissLark,”hetellsme,pattingmyshoulder.Hemusthavemisplacedthememo:Vampyresdon’ttouch.“Verybrave,inthefaceofgreatdanger.”
“Hmm.”Thereceptionisgoingascartoonishlypoorlyasexpected.WeresandVampyresareseatedattablesonoppositesidesofthehall,exchanginghostilelookswhilethemostunappreciatedviolaplayerintheworldspendssomequalitytimewithRachmaninoff.TheWeresandthefewHumanguestshavebeenservedfoodpreparedbyaworld-renownedchef,andmakeavaliantattemptateatingitdespitetheuglyatmosphere.“Revolting,”IoverheardthedaughterofCouncilmanRosssayintheTongueasIslunkuphere.“Unsocializedbeasts.Theyfeedinpublic,shitinpublic,fuckinpublic.”Irefrainedfrompointingoutthatit’scalled“eating,”andthatthelasttwoareillegalintheHumanworld.I’mjustgladImanagedtoexplaintotheplannerthatonedoesn’tsipbloodataparty,thatfeedingisaprivateactforVampyres,nevercommunalorrecreational,andthatno,servingbloodcocktailswithlittleumbrellasinthemwasnota“funidea.”Whensheasked,“WhatwilltheVampyresdo,whiletheWereseat?”Iguessed“Glareatthem?”Boy,wasIright.
“Especiallybrave,youare.”Thegovernortakesanotherswig.“Whataninterestinglifeyouhaveled.AVampyreraisedamongHumans.ThefamousCollateral.TheWeres,itseemstome,havetworeasonstohateyou.”
Idistractedlyrunmytongueovermyregrownfangs,wonderingifafightwillbreakout.Thehatredintheroomisthick,suffocating.TheHumanguards,too,sharklearound,alittletooeagertostrike,curb,defend.Agustofwindcouldmakethiscoilingtensionsnap.
“Thenagain,Morelandgaveupalotforthisarrangement.TheCollateralthey’resending…Thecouncilman’sdaughterfortheAlpha’smate.Soundslikepoetry,right?”
Myheadwhipsaround.TheGovernor’seyesareglazed.“TheAlpha’swhat?”
“Oh,Ishouldn’thavementionedher.It’sasecret,ofcourse,but…”Hechucklesdeepinhisthroatandtipshisglassatme.
“Didyousay‘mate’?Likeaspouse?”
“I’mnotatlibertytodivulge,MissLark.OrshouldIsay,Mrs.Moreland?”
“Shit,”Imuttersoftly,rubbingthebridgeofmynose.WasMorelandmarriedbefore?Ifthat’sthecase,Icannotcomprehendhowpissedhemustbeattheprospectofbeingshackledtomewhilehiswifeisfaraway,firstinlinetotheslaughter.Maybethat’swhyheflippedearlier?
That,andhowIapparentlysmelllikerotteneggs.
Well,toughshit,ItellmyselfasIpushawayfromtherailing.HeandFatherarethemastermindsofthismarriage.Iamthemasterminded.Hopefullyhe’llrememberthatandnotdirecthisangeratme.“Apleasurechattingwithyou,governor,”Ilie,wavinggoodbye.
“Ifyoudecidetochangeit,callmyoffice.”Hemakesthephonehandgesture,theoneoldpeopleuse.“Icanspeedupthepaperwork.”
“Excuseme?”
“Thename.”
“Ah.Yes,thankyou.”
Iheaddownstairs,insearchofOwen.IthinkIsawhimdeepinconversationwithCouncilmanCintronearlier—gossiping,whichhecandolikeapro.Ibethecanfindoutmoreaboutthismatebusiness.Chancesare,healreadyknewbutdidn’tsayanythingbecausehefoundthethoughtofthispoorwomanjumpingupinthemiddleoftheceremonytoobjecthilarious,andwantedtoseearabidwolfeatmypancreasforbeingahome-wreckerinfrontoftheuppercrustofVampyresociety.
“—neverheardofanythinglikeit.”
Ihaltabruptly,because—
Myhusband.
Myhusbandishere,atthebottomofthestairs.
Hegotridofhisjacket,andthesleevesofhiswhiteshirtarerolledup.Twopeoplestandwithhim:aWerewithagingerbeard—thebestman,ifI’mnotmistaken—andanother,older,gray-haired,withadeepwhitescaronhisneck.Theirexpressionsaresomber,andMoreland’sarmsarecrossedonhischest.
It’sasceneI’vecomeacrossbefore,withmyfather:apowerfulman,hearingimportantinformationfrompeoplehetrusts.ThelastthingIwantistowalkpastthemrightnow,inclosecompetitionwiththesecondtolast—reprisingmyconversationwiththegovernor.Still,I’mreadytogobackandhearmoreaboutthefailuresofmygivenname,until:
“—theconsequences,ifitreallyisher,”thebestmancontinues.
It’stheherthatstopsmeinmytracks.Becauseitfeelslikeitmightbereferringto..
Morelandpresseshislipstogether.Hisjawclenchesandhesayssomething,buthisvoiceisdeeper,lowerthanhiscompanions’.Icannotmakeoutthewordsoverthebackgroundnoises.
“Itmusthavebeenamomentofconfusion.Shecannotbeyour—”Thestringmusicsuddenlysoars,andIinchcloser,justonestepdownthestairs.
Lowe’sbroadbackstiffens.I’mafraidheheardmemove,buthedoesn’tturn.Irelaxwhenhesays,“Youthinkit’samistakeIwouldmake?”
Theoldermanfreezes.Thenhangshishead,apologetic.“Idonot,Alpha.”
“Weneedtochangeourplans,Lowe.”Theginger.“Findotheraccommodations.Youshouldn’tlivewith—”Acommotioneruptsinthehall,andtheirheadsliftinitsdirection.WhenIfollowsuit,mystomachdrops.
Ashortdistanceaway,twochildrenarebawling.Theyaretoddlers,onewithdarkskinandlilaceyes,theotherpaleandblue-eyed.AVampyreandaWere.Betweenthemliesadarkbluesuperheroactionfigure,brokenintwoatthewaist.Andnexttothem,clutchingtheirrespectivesons,areaVampyrefatherandaWeremother.Who,forreasonsIcannotdivine,thoughtthatbringingchildrenherewouldbeagoodidea,andnowareshowingtheirfangsateachother.Growling.Drawingtheattentionoftheotherguests,whostarttogatheraroundthemprotectively.Ormaybeaggressively.
Themusicstopswhenthenoiseintheroomrisestoapanickedpitch.Asmallcrowdsurroundsthekids,andtheHumanguardsjoinit,drawingtheirweaponsandbringingfirearmsintothemess.Myheartthumpsdullyinmychestasthetensiongrowsfatandsticky,thestartofanothermassacrethatwillgodowninthehistorybooks—
“Here.”
LoweMorelandkneelsbetweenthechildren,andtheroomdropstoadeafeningsilence.TheVampyre’sfather,whomInowrecognizeasCouncilmanSexton,pusheshissonbehindhislegs,upperlippeeledbacktorevealhislongcanines.
“It’sallgood,”Morelandsays.Calm.Reassuring.Nottothefather,buttothechild.Asheholdsouttheintactactionfigure—notbroken,afterall.
Theboyhesitates.Thenhishanddartsoutfrombetweenhisfather’skneestocollecthistoy,mouthwideningintoatoothysmile.
Severaloftheguestsexhaleinrelief.Notme,though.Notyet.
“Anythingyou’dliketosay?”Morelandasks,thistimetotheWerechild.Theboyblinksseveraltimesbeforelookingatthegroundwithapout.
“Sorry,”hemumbles,ther’sroundedintow’s.Helooksonthevergeofcrying,butthendissolvesintolaughterwhenMorelandruffleshishairandpickshimup,effortlesslywedginghimunderhisarmlikeafootball.Heturnsaround,givinghisbacktothegroupofVampyresassembledaroundtheSextons,andreturnsthelittleWeretohistable.
Justlikethat,thetensionrelaxes.VampyresandWeresreturntotheirseatswithafewlingeringlooksofdistrust.Themusicresumes.Myhusbandmakeshiswaybacktothebottomofthestairs,withoutliftinghiseyesornoticingme,andIfinallyletoutthebreathIwasholding.
“Makesureitdoesn’thappenagain.Telltheothers,too,”hequietlyordersthegingerandtheolderWere,whonodandleavetomixwiththeguests.Morelandsighs,andIwaitforahandfulofseconds,hopinghe’lljointhemandclearmyway.
Twohandfuls.
Whatfeelsalotlikeaminute.
Aminuteandmorehandfuls—
“Iknowyou’rethere,”hesays,notlookingatanyoneinparticular.Ihavenoideawhohe’saddressinguntilheadds,“Comedown,MissLark.”
Oh.
Well.
Thisisnicelymortifying.
Thereareabouttenstepsseparatingus,andIcouldcrawlmywaydowninshame.Butourspecieshavebeenmortalenemiessinceelectricitywasn’tathing,whichmightputusbeyondembarrassment.What’ssomeeavesdroppingamongfoes?
“Inyourowntime,”headdswryly.
Giventhe…incidentacoupleofhoursago,I’mhesitanttogostandnexttohim.ButperhapsIshouldn’thaveworried:whenIreachhisside,hisnostrilstwitchandamusclejumpsinhisjaw,butthat’saboutit.Morelanddoesn’tlookmyway,nordoesheseemtootemptedtomangleme.
Progress.
Still,Ihavenoideawhattosay.Sofarwe’veonlyexchangedrecitedpromisesthatneitherofusmeanstokeep,andsomecommentaryonmybodyodor.“YoucancallmeMisery.”
He’squietforabeat.“Yeah.Iprobablyshould.”
Wefallintosilence.Inthefarcornerofthecourtyard,whatseemstobeanothersmallruckusinvolvingaWereandVampyrenearlypopsup,butit’sswiftlycurbedbyaWerewomanIvaguelyrememberstandingbythealtar.
“Dowehaveanotherinterspeciesbrawl?”Iask.
Morelandshakeshishead.“Justsomeidiotwhodranktoomuch.”
“NotfromaWere,Ihope.”
Iregretthewordsthesecondthey’reoutofmymouth.I’mnotusuallyanervousblabberer,becauseI’mnotusuallynervous.Onedoesn’tserveastheCollateralforadecadewithoutlearningabafflingnumberofanxietymanagementstrategies.Andyet.
“Didyoujustjokeaboutyourpeopledrinkingmypeopledry?”
Iclosemyeyes.Deathwouldbenice,rightnow.I’dwelcomeitwithopenarms.“Itwasinterribletaste.Iapologize.”Ilookupathim,andtheretheyare.Thoseeerie,unearthly,beautifuleyes,glowingatmeinthedimlights,achillinggreenthatbordersonferal.IwonderifI’llgetusedtothem.Ifoneyearfromnow,whenthisarrangementiscomplete,I’llstillthinkthembizarrelylovely.
IwonderwhatSerenathoughtwhenshefirstsawthem.
“They’reexpectingus,”Morelandsayscurtly.Myapologydangles,notaccepted,notrejected.
“Who?”
Hepointsattheorchestra.Theviolaplayerliftsherbowintheairforabeat,andthenthemusicswitchesgears.NotRachmaninoff,butaslow,instrumentalrenditionofapopsongI’veheardinlineatthegrocerystore.DidMorelandapproveofthis?Ibettheplannerwentrogue.
“Firstdance,”hesays,holdingouthishand.Hisvoiceisdeep,precise,economical.Amanwho’susedtogivingordersandhavingthemanswered.Ilookathislongfingers,rememberinghowtheyclosedonmyarm.Thatmomentoffear.Thingis,Idon’tfeelalot,andwhenIdo—
“Misery,”hesays,atraceofimpatienceinhistone,andmynamesoundslikeadifferentwordinhisvoice.Itakehishand,watchitengulfmine.Followhimontothedancefloor.Wehadnophotographerattheceremony,butthereareacouplehere.Whenwereachthecenterofthehall,Moreland’spalmsplaysonmyback,wheremyjumpsuitdipslow.Hisfingersbrieflytraveldownmywrist,brushingagainstthemarking,thenwraparoundmine.Westartswayingtoapealofsparse,half-heartedapplause.
Ihaveneverslow-dancedbefore,butit’snottoodifficult.Perhapsbecausemypartnerisdoingmostofthework.
“So.”Iglanceup,attemptingconversation.IntheseshoesIpushsixfeet,butthere’snotoweringoverthisman.“Ismelllikesewersorsomething?”Itcannotbeeasyforhim,beingthisclosetome.
Hestiffens.Thenrelaxes.Ithinkhewon’treplyuntilhisterse“Orsomething.”
IwishIcouldcommiserate,butVampyresdon’tcomprehendscentsthewayotherspeciesdo.Serenausedtopointatflowersandspinwildtalesofbeautifulfragrances,thenactshockedthatIcouldn’ttellthemapart.Butplantsareinsignificanttous,andIwasjustasshockedthatshehadnoawarenessofpeople’sheartbeats.Ofthebloodcoursingthroughherownveins.
It’sapitythatIsmellfoultoMoreland,becausehisbloodisnice.Engulfing.Healthyandearthyandabitrough.Hisheartbeatisstrongandvibrant,likeacaresstotheroofofmymouth.Idon’tthinkit’sjustaWerething,becausetheothershereattheweddingseemlessinviting.ButmaybeIjusthaven’tgottencloseenoughto—
“Doesyourfatherhateyou?”
“Excuseme?”We’restillswaying.Camerasclickarounduslikeinsectsinthesummertime.MaybeImisheard.
“Yourfather.Ineedtoknowifhehatesyou.”
ImeetMoreland’seyes,morebaffledthanoffended.AndperhapsalittlepeevedthatIcannotinsistthatmyonelivingparentgivesashitaboutme.“Why?”
“Ifyou’regoingtobeundermyprotection,Ineedtoknowthesethings.”
Icockmyheadupathim.Hisfaceisso…nothandsome,eventhoughitis,butstriking.All-consuming.Likeheinventedbonestructure.“AmI?Underyourprotection?”
“You’remywife.”
God,itsoundsweird.“Inname,maybe.”Ishrug,anditmakesmybodybrushagainsthis.Hiseyesdoanoddthing,thepupilsactingout,contractingandexpandingoftheirownvolition.Thentheysettleonthemarkingspaintedonmyneck.Heseemsunwarrantedlytakenbythem.“IthinkI’mjustasymbolofgoodwillbetweenourpeople.AndCollateral.”
“AndbeingaCollateralisyourfull-timejob.”
Ican’tevencounterthat,sinceVaniagotmefired.“Idabble.”
Henodsthoughtfully,turningmearound.Newcouplesarestartingtojoinus,nonelookingenthused—likelymarchedtothedancefloorbyourzealousweddingplanner.MyeyesmeetDeannaDryden’s;sheheldmedownandstuffedmymouthwithfeatherswhenIwasseven,disappearedfrommylifefortenyears,thencalledmeaHumanfuckerinfrontofacrowdofdozenswhenwenextcrossedpaths.Wenodateachotherpolitely.
“Let’ssee,Misery.”Mynameispointed—atwhat,I’mnotcertain.“YouwereformallyannouncedastheCollateralwhenyouweresix,andthensenttotheHumansateight.Youhadtwenty-foursevenprotectivedetail—allHumanguards—andyetoverthefollowingdecade,yousufferedseveralassassinationattemptsbyanti-Vampyreextremistgroups.Allfailed,buttwocameveryclose,andI’mtoldyouhavethescarstoproveit.Then,whenyourtermastheCollateralfinallyended,youbrieflyreturnedtoVampyreterritory,thenchosetoadoptafakeidentityandliveamongtheHumans—somethingVampyresareforbiddenfromdoing.Ifyouwereamemberofmyownfamily,Iwouldneverhaveallowedanyofit.Andnowyou’vesigneduptomarryaWere,whichisthemostdangerousthingsomeoneinyoursituationcoulddo,withnothingtogainandnoobviousreason—”
“I’mflatteredthatyouskimmedmyfile.”Ibatmyeyesupathim.Hedoesseemtohavethewhatsandthewheres,ifnotthewhys.“Ireadyours,too.You’reanarchitectbytraining,right?”
Hisbodytenses,andhepushesmeawayfor—no,he’sjustwhirlingmearoundtothemusic.“Whyisyourfathersoremisswhenitcomestoyoursurvival?”
Hisbloodreallydoessmellnice.“I’mnotsomekindofvictim,”Isayquietly.
“No?”
“Iagreedtothismarriage.I’mnotbeingforcedintoanything.Andyou—”
Hisarmsnatchesabruptlyaroundmywaist,andhepullsmeclosertoavoidanothercouple.Myfrontplastersagainsthim,hisscorchingheatashocktomycoolskin.Hereallyisforeign.Different.Incompatiblewithmeineverypossibleway.It’sareliefwhenheputssomedistancebetweenusandwe’reagaincomfortablyapart.Thethoughtofhimalreadybeinginarelationshipflitsintomyheadoncemore,intrusiveandunprompted,andIhavetotrackdownmyabandonedsentence.“Andyouareputtingyourselfintheexactsamesituation.”
“I’mtheAlphaofmypeople.”Hisvoiceishoarse.“Notawhite-hathackerwhoonlymiraculouslymadeittotwenty-five.”
Ouch,andfuckyou.“WhatIamisanadultwomanwithagencyandthetoolstomakechoices.Feelfreeto,youknow,treatmeaccordingly.”
“Fair.”Hehumsagreeably.“Whydidyouconsenttothismarriage,though?”
HaveyoueverheardthenameSerenaParis?Inearlyask.ButIalreadyknowtheanswertothat,andthequestionwouldonlygivehimsomethingtohide.Ihaveaplan,apainstakinglydrawnone.AndI’mgoingtosticktoit.“Iliketolivedangerously.”
“Ordesperately.”Themusicplayson,butMorelandhalts,andsodoI.Westare,ahintofchallengeswirlingbetweenus.
“I’msureIdon’tknowwhatyoumean.”
“Youdon’t?”Henods.Likehewasn’tgoingtosaywhat’scomingnextbutdoesn’tmindcontinuing.“TheVampyresdon’tclaimyouasoneofthemunlesstheyhavesomethingtogainfromit.YouchosetobeamongtheHumans,butyouhadtolieaboutyouridentity,becauseyou’renotoneofthem.Andyou’redefinitelynotoneofus.Youtrulybelongnowhere,MissLark.”Hisheaddipscloser.Foraterrible,head-splittingsecond,myheartpumpswiththecertaintythathe’sgoingtokissme.Buthebendspastmymouth,totheshellofmyear.Throughalandslideofwhathastoberelief,Ihearhiminhaleandsay,“Andyousmelllikeyouknowallofthisvery,verywell.”
Thathintofchallengesolidifies,heavyasconcrete,intosomethingcitiescouldbebuilton.“Maybeyoushouldstopbreathinginsomuch,”Isay,pullingbacktolookhimsquarelyintheeye.
Andtheneverythinghappensmuchtooquickly.
Theglintofsteelatthecornerofmyview.Anunfamiliar,rage-filledvoiceyelling,“YouVampyrebitch!”Hundredsofgasps,andasharpblademakingitswaytowardmythroat,myjugular,and—
Theknifestopsahairbreadthfrommyskin.Idon’trememberclosingmyeyes,andwhenIopenthemmybraincannotseemtocatchup:someone—aHuman,dressedasawaiter—cameatmewithaknife.Ididnotnoticehim.Theguardsdidnotnoticehim.Myhusband,ontheotherhand…
LoweMoreland’spalmiswrappedaroundtheblade,lessthananinchfrommyneck.Greenbloodtricklesdownhisforearm,itsrichscentcrashingintomelikeawave.Thereisnosignofpaininhiseyesastheyholdmine.
Hejustsavedmylife.
“Nowhere,Misery,”hemurmurs,lipsbarelymoving.Inthedistance,Fatherisbarkingorders.Securityfinallyreacts,pullsawaythethrashingwaiter.Afewguestsgasp,scream,andmaybeIshouldscream,too,butIdon’thavethewherewithaltodoanythinguntilmyhusbandtellsme,“Forthenextyear,let’smakesuretostayoutofeachother’sway.Understood?”
Itrytoswallow.Failthefirsttime,doagreatjobthesecond.“Andtheysayromanceisdead,”Isay,pleasednottosoundasdrythroatedasIfeel.Hehesitatesforamoment,andIcouldswearheinhalesagain,deep,storingup…something.Hishandtightensonmybackforasecondbeforefinallylettinggo.
AndthenLoweMoreland,myhusband,stalksoffthedancefloor,atrailofforest-greenbloodtrackinghispath.
Leavingmeblissfullyaloneonthenightofourwedding.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER3
Heisundersiegeinhisownhome.
Thevoiceisyoungandsullen.Itwormsitswayundermypillowandintomyears,nudgingmeawakeinthedeadmiddleoftheday.
“Thisusedtobemyroom,”itsays.
Thefloorishardunderneathme.MybrainisblurryandmyearsaremadeofcottonandIdon’tknowwhereIam,why,whowouldcommitthisignominyuponmyperson:wakemeupwhenthesunisbrightintheskyandIamsappedofallstrength.
“CanIhideinhere?She’sgrumpytoday.”
Igathersixmonths’worthofenergyandunearthmyselffromundertheblankets,butrunoutofsteamwhenitcomestoliftingmyeyelids.
No,weVampyresdon’tpulverizeinthesunlikeglitterbombs.Sunlightburnsusandithurts,butitwon’tkillusunlesstheexposureisunfilteredandprolonged.However,weareprettyuselessinthemiddleoftheday,eveninside.Lethargicandweakandcrawlyandheadachy,especiallyduringlatespringandsummer,whentherayshitatthatpeskysteepangle.“Thiscrepuscularityofyoursisreallycrampingmybrunchlifestyle,”Serenausedtosay.“Also,thefactthatyoudon’teat.”
“Isittruethatyoudon’thaveasoul?”
It’sgoddamnnoon.Andthereisachildhere,askingme:
“Becauseyouusedtobedead?”
Icranemyeyestoasemi-openslitandfindherrighthere,intheclosetwhereImademybedearlythismorning.Herheartbeathopshappilyaround,likeapent-upfawn.She’sroundfaced.Curlyhaired.AmericanGirldolled.
Veryannoying.
“Whoareyou?”Iask.
“Andthenyouwereforcedtodrinksomeone’sblood?”
Sheis,Iwouldestimate,anywherebetweenthreeandayoungthirteen.Ihavenowayofnarrowingthisdownanyfurther:withthisone,mystaggeringindifferencetowardchildrenmeetsmytwenty-five-year-olddeterminationtoavoidanythingWere.Andontopofeverything,hereyesareapale,dangerous,familiargreen.
Idon’tlikethis.“Howdidyougetinhere?”
ShepointsattheopenclosetdoorlikeI’malittledaft.“Andthenyoucamebacktolife,butwithoutyoursoul?”
Isquintatherintheneardarkness,gratefulthatshehasn’tpulledthecurtains.“Isittruethatyouwerebittenbyarabiddogandarenowafurrywhofrothsatthemouthduringthefullmoon?”I’mtryingtobeabitch,butsheletsoutapealoflaughterthathasmefeelinglikeastand-upcomedian.
“No,silly.”
“Well,then.Youhaveyouranswer.WhileIstilldon’tknowhowyougotinhere.”Shepointsatthedooragain,andImakeamentalnotetoneverhavechildren.“Ilockedthat.”I’msureIdid.I’mpositivethatIdidnotspendmyfirstnightamongtheWereswithoutlockingmydamndoor.Ifiguredthatevenwiththeirsuperstrength,ifoneofthemdecidedtowolfmedown,alockeddoorwouldkeepthemout.BecauseWereswouldbuildWere-proofdoors,right?
“Ihaveasparekey,”Were-childsays.
Oh.
“Thisusedtobemyroom.SoifIhadnightmares,IgottogotoLowe.Throughthere.”Shepointsatanotherdoor.WhosedoorknobIdidn’ttrylastnight.Isuspectedwhotheadjoiningroomwouldbelongto,andIdidn’tfeellikeprocessingthatkindoftraumaatfivea.m.“HesaysthatIcanstillgo,butnowI’macrossthehallway.”
Atingeofguiltpenetratesmyexhaustion:I’veevictedathree-(thirteen?)-year-oldfromherroomandamforcinghertocrossanentirehallwayinthegripofhorrific,recurringnightmarestoreachher…
Oh,crap.“PleasetellmeMoreland’snotyourfather.”
Shedoesn’treply.“Doyouevergetnightmares?”
“Vampyresdon’tdream.”Imean,Icandealwithseparatingtrueloversorwhatnot,butanentirefamily?Achildfromher…Oh,shit.“Whereisyourmother?”
“I’mnotsure.”
“Doesshelivehere?”
“Notanymore.”
Fuck.“Wheredidshego?”
Sheshrugs.“Lowesaidthatit’simpossibletotell.”
Irubmyeyes.“IsMoreland—isLoweyourdad?”
“Ana’sfatherisdead.”Thevoicecomesfromoutsidethecloset,andwebothturn.
Standinginthelightseepinginfromthehallwayisared-hairedwoman.She’spretty,strong,fitinawaythatsuggeststhatshecouldrunahalf-marathonwithnonotice.Shestaresatmewithamixofworryandhostility,likemykinkisburningcricketswithkerosene.
“ManyWerechildrenareorphaned,mostofthematthehandsofVampyreslikeyou.Bestnotaskthemaboutthewhereaboutsoftheirparents.Comehere,Ana.”
Anarunstoher,butnotbeforewhisperingatme,“Ilikeyourpointyears,”entirelytooloud.
I’mtoobone-tiredtodealwithanyofthisatmidday.“Ihadnoidea.I’msorry,Ana.”
Anaseemsunperturbed.“It’sokay.Juno’sjustgrouchy.CanIcomeovertoplaywithyouwhen—”
“Ana,godownstairsandgetasnack.I’llbethereinaminute.”
Anasighs,androllshereyes,andpoutslikeshewasaskedtofileataxreturn,buteventuallyshedoesleave,sneakingmeanimpishsmile.Mysleep-addledbrainbrieflyconsidersreturningit,thenrecallsthatIletmyfangsregrow.
“She’sLowe’ssister,”Junoinformsmeprotectively.“Please,stayawayfromher.”
“Youmightwanttotakethisupwithher,sinceshestillhasasparekeytoheroldroom.”
“Stayaway,”sherepeats.Lessworried,morethreatening.
“Right.Sure.”Icanlivewithouthangingoutwithsomeonewhoseskullhasn’tevenproperlyclosedyet.ThoughAnaistechnicallymyBFFinWereterritory.Slimpickingsoverhere.“Juno,right?I’mMisery.”
“Iknow.”
Ifigured.“AreyouoneofLowe’sseconds?”
Shetenses,crossingherarmstoherchest.Hereyesarehooded.“Youshouldn’t.”
“Shouldn’t?”
“Askquestionsaboutthepack.Orstrikeupconversationwithus.Orwalkaroundunsupervised.”
“That’salotofrules.”Togivetoanadult.Foroneyear
“Ruleswillkeepyousafe.”Herchinlifts.“Andkeepotherssafefromyou.”
“That’saveryhonorablesentiment.ButitmightreassureyoutoknowthatIlivedamongtheHumansfornearlytwodecades,andmurdered…”Ipretendtocheckanoteonmypalm.“Awholezero.Wow.”
“Itwillbedifferenthere.”Hereyesmovefrommineandtracethecontoursoftheroom,stillamessofmovingboxesandpilesofclothes.Hergazehiccupsonthebaremattress,nowstrippedofthesheetsandblanketsthatIdraggedinsidethecloset,thenstopsontheonlythingIputuponthewall:aPolaroidofmeandSerenalookingawayfromthecameraduringthatsunsetlaketourwedidtwoyearsago.Someguytookitwithoutasking,whileweweredanglingourfeetinthewater.Thenheshowedittousandsaidhe’donlyreturnitifoneofusgavehimournumber.Wedidtheonlylogicalthing:caughthiminaheadlockandforciblytookthephoto.
Allthatself-defensewelearned,asitturnsout,worksforoffense,too.
“Iknowwhatyou’retryingtodo,”Junosays,andforamomentI’mafraidthatshereadmymind.ThatsheknowsI’mheretosearchforSerena.Butshecontinues,“Youcantrytopaintyourselfasapawn,saythatyouonlyagreedtothisinthenameofpeace,but…Idon’tbelieveit.AndIdon’tlikeyou.”
Noshit.“AndIdon’tknowyouenoughtomakeajudgment.Yourjeansarecool,though.”Rivetingconversation,butI’mabouttopassout.Thankfully,withonelastwitheringlook,Junoleaves.
Thecornerofmyeyecatchesahintofmovement.Iturn,halfexpectingAnatomakeacomeback,butit’sjustSerena’sgoddamnedfuckingcat,stretchinghiswayoutfromunderthebed.
“Nowyoushowup.”
Hehissesatme.
Duringourfifteen-yearfriendship,Iamassedhalfamillionsmall,big,andmidsizereasonstoloveSerenaPariswiththeintensityofthebrighteststars.Then,afewweeksago,onecametoobliterateallofthem,drivingmetoloatheherwiththestrengthofathousandfullmoons.
Herdamnfuckingcat.
Asarule,Vampyresdon’tdopets.Orpetsdon’tdoVampyres?I’mnotsurewhostartedit.Maybetheythinkwesmellyuckybecausewe’reobligatehemovores.MaybewerejectedthembecausetheygetalongsowellwithWeresandHumans.Eitherway,whenIbeganlivingamongtheHumans,theconceptofadomesticanimalfeltsupremelyforeigntome.
Myfirstcaregiverhadalittledogthatshesometimescarriedaroundinherpurse,andhonestly,I’dhavebeenlessshockedifshe’dcombedherhairwithatoiletbrush.Ieyedhimsuspiciouslyforafewdays.Showedhimmyfangswhenheshowedhis.Finally,Ifoundthecouragetoaskthecaregiverwhenshewasgoingtoeathim.
Shequitthatnight.
AnimalsandIwentontodoabsolutelygreateversince,givingeachotherwideberthsonsidewalksandexchangingtheoccasionaldirtylook.Itwaspurebliss—untilSerena’sdamnfuckingcatcameintothepicture.Itriedmybesttodissuadeherfromadoptingit.Shetriedherbesttopretendshedidn’thearme.Then,aboutthreedaysaftertakinghomethirteenpoundsofassholefromtheshelter,shevanishedintotheether.
Poof.
Growingupcollectingattemptedmurderslikemilkteethtemperedmeandtaughtmetobecalmunderpressure.AndyetIstillrememberit,thatfirstchurningtwistinmystomachwhenSerenadidn’tturnuptomyplaceforlaundrynight.Didn’treplytomytexts.Didn’tpickupthephone.Didn’tcallinsicktowork,andsimplystoppedshowingup.Itfeltalotlikefear.
Maybeitwouldn’thavehappenedifwe’dstillbeenlivingtogether.Andhonestly,I’dhavebeenokaysharinganapartment.Butafterspendingherfirstfewyearsinanorphanageandhersecondfewyearsasthecompanionofthebest-monitoredVampyrechildintheworld,she’donlywantedonething:privacy.She’dgivenmeasetofsparekeys,though,andithadfeltlikesuchaprecious,beautifulhonorbestoweduponme;I’dcarefullyhiddentheminasecretplace.Thatbythetimeshedisappeared,I’dlongforgotten.
SothatdayIbrokeintoherapartmentusingahairpin.Justthewayshetaughtmewhenweweretwelve,andtheTVroomwasoff-limits,andonemovieperdaywasn’tquiteenough.Reassuringly,herrottencorpsewasnotfoldedinthechestfreezer,oranywhereelse.Ifedherdamnfuckingcatashemeowedlikehewasapproachingstarvationandhissedatmeatthesametime;checkedthatmybrowncontactswereinplaceandmyfangsstillproperlydulled;thenwenttotheauthoritiestoreportamissingperson.
Andwastold:“She’sprobablyhangingoutwithherboyfriendsomewhere.”
Imademyselfblink,tolookextraHuman.“Can’tbelieveshetoldyouaboutherlovelifeandnotme,herclosestfriendoffifteenyears.”
“Listen,younglady.”Theofficersighed.Hewasalanky,middle-agedmanwithmoreheartrateturbulencethanmost.“IfIhadanickelforeverytimesomeone‘disappears,’andbythatImean,theyleaveandneglecttotellsomeoneintheirsocialcirclewherethey’regoing—”
“You’dhavehowmuch?”Iliftedaneyebrow.
Heseemedflustered,thoughnotenoughformytaste.“Ibetshe’sonvacation.Doessheevertaketripsonherown?”
“Yes,often,butshealwayswarnsme.Plus,she’saninvestigativereporterforTheHerald,anddidnottakedaysoff.”Accordingtotheirsystem.WhichIhacked.
“Maybeshewasoutofvacationdaysandstillwantedto,Idunno,drivetoLasVegastoseeheraunt.Justamisunderstanding.”
“Wehadplanstomeet,andshe’sanorphanwithnofamilyorfriendswhodoesn’townacar.Accordingtoherbankingportal,towhichshegavemeaccess”—kindof—“nocashwithdrawalsoronlinepaymentswereprocessed.Butmaybeyou’recorrect,andshe’sbouncingtoLasVegasonherpogostick?”
“Noneedtogettesty,honey.Weallwanttothinkthatwe’reimportanttothepeoplewhoareimportanttous.Butsometimes,ourbestfriendissomeoneelse’sbestfriend.”
Iclosedmyeyestorollthembehindmylids.
“Didyoutwomaybehaveafight?”theofficerasked.
Icrossedmyarmsonmychestandsuckedmycheeksin.“That’snotthepoint—”
“Ha.”
“Okay.”Ifrowned.“Let’ssaySerenasecretlyhatesme.Shestillwouldn’tleavehercat,wouldshe?”
Hepaused.Then,forthefirsttime,henoddedandpickedupanotepad.Ifeltasparkofhope.“Cat’sname?”
“Shehasn’tgottenaroundtonaminghimyet,thoughlastwespokeshe’dnarroweditdownbetweenMaximilienRobespierreand—”
“Howlonghasshehadthiscat?”
“Afewdays?Shestillwouldn’tletthelittleassholestarve,”Ihurriedtoadd,buttheofficerhadalreadydroppedhispen.AndeventhoughIwentbacktothestationthreetimesthatweek,andeventuallymanagedtogetamissingpersonreportfiled,noonedidanythingtofindSerena.Thehazard,Iguess,ofbeingaloneintheworld:noonetocarethatshewassafe,andhealthy,andalive.Noonebutme,andIdidn’tcount.Ishouldn’thavebeensurprised,andIwasn’t.ButapparentlyIstillhadthecapacitytofeelhurt.
BecausenoonecaredwhetherIwassafe,orhealthy,oralive.NoonebutSerena.Thesisterofmyheart,ifnotofmyblood.AndeventhoughI’dbeenplentyalone,I’dneverfeltsolonelyasaftershewasgone.
IwishedIcouldcry.Iwishedforlacrimalductstoletoutthishorribleterrorthatshe’dleftforever,thatshe’dbeentaken,thatshewasinpain,thatitwasmyfaultandI’ddrivenherawaywithourlastconversation.Unfortunately,biologywasnotonmyside.SoIworkedthroughmyfeelingsbygoingtoherplaceandtakingcareofherdamnfuckingcat,whoshowedhisgratitudebyscratchingmeeverysingleday.
And,ofcourse,bylookingforherwhereIshouldn’thave.
Ihadthekeys,afterall.Becausethekeytoeverythingisbutalineofcode.Iwasabletoriflethroughherbankstatements,IPaddresses,cellphonelocations.Heraldemails,metadata,appusage.Serenawasajournalist,onewhowroteaboutdelicatefinancialstuff,andthemostlikelyoptionwasthatshe’dgottenembroiledinsomethingfishywhileworkingonastory,butIwasn’tgoingtoexcludeotherpossibilities.SoIwentthrougheverything,andfound…nothing.
Absolutelynothing
Serena’spoofhadbeenquiteliteral.Butonecannotmoveintheworldwithoutleavingdigitaltraces,whichcouldonlymeanonething.Oneterrible,blood-curdlingthingthatIcouldn’tevenputintowordsintheprivacyofmyownhead.
Andthat’swhenIdidit:IkneeledinfrontofSerena’sdamnfuckingcat.Hewasplayinglikehealwaysdidafterdinner,pawingatacrumpledreceiptinacornerofthelivingroom,butmanagedtosqueezeacoupleofhissesintohisbusyschedulejustforme.“Listen.”Iswallowed.Rubbedmyhandonmychestandthenevenslappedit,tryingtodulltheache.“Iknowyouonlyknewherforafewdays,butIreally,really…”Iscrunchedmyeyesshut.Ohfuck,thiswashard.“Idon’tknowhowithappened,butIthinkthatSerenamightbe…”
Iopenedmyeyes,becauseIowedittothisassholecattolookathim.Andthat’swhenIgotagoodviewofit.
Thereceipt,whichwasn’taballed-upreceiptatall.Itwasapieceofpapertornfromajournal,orperhapsanotebook,or—no.Aplanner.Serena’sincrediblyoutdatedplanner.
Thepagewasforthedayofherdisappearance.Andtherewasastringoflettersonit,writtenquicklyinblackmarker.Gibberish.
Ormaybenotquite.Adistantbellrang,remindingmeofagameSerenaandIusedtoplayaskids,aprimitivesubstitutioncipherwemadeuptogossipfreelyinfrontofourcaregivers.We’dnameditthebutterflyalphabet,anditmostlyconsistedofaddingb-andf-syllablestonormalwords.Nothingcomplicated:evenrustyasIwas,ittookmybrainonlyafewsecondstountangleit.AndonceIwasdone,Ihadsomething.Ihadthreewholewords:
L.E.MORELAND
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER4
Theysaykeepyourfriendscloseandyourenemiescloser.Theydon’tknowwhatthey’retalkingabout.
Sporadicboutsofteenageidiocynotwithstanding,IdoubtaVampyrehasbeeninWereterritoryforcenturies.
Ifeltitinmyboneslastnight,asmydriversankfartherpasttheriver.Serena’sdamncatfidgetedinthecarriernexttome,andIknewthatIwasreally,trulyalone.BeingwiththeHumanswaslikelivinginadifferentcountry,buthere?Anothergalaxy.Deepspaceexploration.
ThehouseIwasbroughttoisbuiltonalake,surroundedbythick,gnarlytreesonthreesidesandplacidwaterontheremainingone.Nothingcave-likeorunderground,despitewhatI’dhaveimaginedfromawolf-relatedspecies,andyetoddnonetheless,withitswarmmaterialsandlargewindows.LiketheWeresteamedupwiththelandscapeanddecidedtobuildsomethingbeautifultogether.It’sabitjarring,especiallyafterspendingthelastsixweeksshuttlingbetweenthesterilityofVampyreterritoryandthecrowdedbustleoftheHumans.Avoidingthesunlightisgoingtobeanissue,andsoisthefactthatthetemperatureiskeptconsiderablylowerthaniscomfortableforVampyres.Icandealwiththat,though.WhatIwasreallybracingmyselfforwas…
InmythirdyearastheCollateral,atadiplomaticdinner,Iwasintroducedtoanelderlymatron.Shewaswearingasequineddress,andwhensheliftedherhandtopinchmycheeks,Inoticedthatherantiquebraceletwasmadeofveryunusuallyshaped,veryprettypearls.
Theywerefangs.PulledfromthecorpsesofVampyres—orliveones,forallIknow.
Ididn’tscream,orcry,orattackthatoldhag.Iwasparalyzed,unabletofunctionproperlyfortherestofthenight,andonlystartedprocessingwhathadhappenedwhenIgothomeandtoldSerena,whowasfuriousonmybehalfanddemandedapromisefromthecaregiveronshift:thatIwouldneverbeforcedtoattendasimilarfunctionagain.
Iwas,ofcourse.Many,manytimes,andIencounteredmany,manypeoplewhoactedlikethatsparklybitch.Becausethebracelets,thenecklaces,thevialsofblood,werenothingbutmessages.Displaysofdiscontentmentforanalliancethat,whilelongestablished,inmanypocketsofthepopulationwasstillcontroversial.
IexpectedsomethingevenworsefromtheWeres.Iwouldn’thavebeenshockedtoseefiveofusimpaledintheyard,slowlybleedingtodeath.Nosuchthing,though.Justabunchofsycamores,andtheflutterofmynewfriendAlex’srabbityheartbeat.
Oh,Alex.
“IknowIsaidthisisLowe’shouse,buthe’stheAlpha,whichmeansthatlotsofpackmemberscomeandgo,andhissecondswholiveintheareaare,um,prettymuchalwayshere,”hesays,walkingmethroughthekitchen.He’syoung,andcute,andwearskhakipantswithanimprobablenumberofpockets.WhenImetJunoearliertoday,sheclearlywantedtoshovemeunderagiantmagnifyingglassandburnmealive,butAlexisjustterrifiedattheideaofshowingaVampyrearoundhernewaccommodations.Andyet,he’srisingtotheoccasion:runningahandthroughhismopoflighthairtoletmeknowthat“Therehavebeen,um,suggestions,thatyoumightwanttostoreyour,um…thingsintheotherfridgeoverthere.Soifyoupleasecould…Ifitwerepossible…Ifitisn’tabother…”
Iendhissuffering.“Don’tkeepmygorybloodbagsnexttothemayojar.Gotit.”
“Yes,thankyou.”Henearlyslumpsinrelief.“And,um,therearenobloodbanksthatcatertoVampyresinthearea,because,well—”
“AnyVampsintheareawouldbeswiftlyexterminated?”
“Precisely.Wait,no.No,that’snotwhatI—”
“Iwaskidding.”
“Oh.”Hepullsbackfromthevergeofaheartattack.“So,therearenobanks,andyou’reobviouslynotatlibertytojustwalkinandoutofourterritory—”
“I’mnot?”Igasp,andinstantlyfeelguiltywhenhetakesastepbackandfingershiscollar.“Sorry.Anotherjoke.”IwishIcouldsmilereassuringlyathim.WithoutlookinglikeI’mabouttobutchereverythingthatheholdsdear,thatis.
“Doyou,um,have…preferences?”
“Preferences?”
“Like…AB,orOnegative,or…”
“Ah.”Ishakemyhead.Commonmisconception,butcoldbloodisnearlyflavorless,andtheonlythingsthatwouldinfluenceitstastewoulddisqualifypeoplefromdonatinginthefirstplace.Illnesses,mostly.
“Andwhendoyou…?”
“Feed?Onceaday.Morewhenitgetsreallywarm—heatmakesushungry.”Helooksqueasyatthementionofblood,moresothanI’dhaveexpectedfromsomeonewhoturnsintoawolfandmaulsrabbitsbythelitterful.SoIwanderawaytogivehimaminutetorecover,takinginthestoneaccentwallandthefireplace.Despitethechill,there’ssomethingjustrightaboutthishouse.Asthoughitsplacewasmeanttobehere,carvedbetweenthetreesandthewaterfront.
It’sprobablythenicesthomeI’veeverlivedin.Notbad,sincethere’sanonzerochancethatI’llalsocroakinit.
“Areyouoneofhisseconds?”IaskAlex,turningawayfromthewaveslappingatthepier.“More—Lowe’s,Imean.”
“No.”He’syounger,softerthanJuno.Notasdefensiveandbuttonedup,butmorejittery.I’vecaughthimsquintingatthepointsofmyearsthreetimesalready.“Ludwigis…Thesecondfrommyhuddleissomeoneelse.”
Hiswhat?“HowmanysecondsdoesLowehave?”
“Twelve.”Hepausestostareathisfeet.“Eleven,actually,nowthatGabriellewassenttothe…”
Gabrielle,Ifileawayforfutureperusal.God,isthatthemate?Wasshehiswifeandhissecond?
Alexclearshisthroat.“Gabriellewillbereplaced.”
“Byyou?”
“No,Iwouldn’t…AndI’mnotfromherhuddle;it’llhavetobesomeonewho…”Hescratcheshisneckandfallssilent.Oh,well.
“Arethereanycloseneighbors?”Iask.
“Yeah.But‘close’isdifferentforus.Becausewecan…”
“Transformintowolves?”
“No.Well,yeah,but…”Hischeekshaveanolivetinge.God,Ithinkhe’sblushing.Becauseofcoursethey’dflushgreen.“Shift.Wecallitshifting.Wedon’tbecomesomethingelse.Wejustkindoftogglebetweentwosettings.”
ThistimeIdosmile,keepingmylipssealed.“Lovethecodingreferences.”
“Youliketech?”
“Ilikewhattechcando.”Ileanagainstthecounter.YearswiththeHumans,andI’mstillfreakedoutthathousescontainentirehuge-assroomsdedicatedtothepreparationoffood.“So,whenyouguysshiftintowolves,doyoustillthinkthesameway?Doesyourbrainshiftwithyou,too?”
Alexmullsit.“Yesandno.Therearesomeinstinctsthattakeoverinthatform,morethantheyotherwisewould.Theimpulsetohunt,forinstance,isverypowerful.Tochaseascent,trackdownanenemy.That’swhyyoumaybeshouldn’tventureoutaloneto…”
“Skinny-dipatmidnight?”
Helooksaway.He’skindofadorable,inanIwanttotiehisshoelacesandblowonhisskinnedkneekindofway.“Doyou…It’sprobablybullshit,butIjustwantedtomakesure…Vampyresdon’t,right?”
Itiltmyhead.“Don’twhat?”
“Shiftintoanimals.NotthatIbelievethebatrumor,butjustincaseyou’regoingtoflyawayand…”
IbetAlexgetsalonggreatwithAna.“Nope,Idonotturnintoabat.Wouldbelovely,though.”
“Okay,good.”Heseemsincrediblyrelieved.Idecidetotakeadvantageofthat,broadcastingamixofcasualnessandverymildinterestinmysurroundings,thensayoffhandedly:
“Canyoushiftintoawolfwheneveryouwant?Oristhefullmoonthingjustarumor?”
“Itdepends,Iguess.”
“Onwhat?”
“HowpowerfulaWereis.Beingabletoshiftatwill,it’sasignofdominance.Beingabletoavoidshiftingduringthefullmoon,too.”
Idon’tknowwhatpossessesmetoask,“WhataboutLowe?Ishepowerful?”
Alexletsoutastartledlaugh.“HeisthemostpowerfulWereI’veeverseen.Andthatmygrandfatherhaseverseen—andhe’sseenmanyAlphas.”
“Oh.”Ipickupaladle.Oraspatula.Iforgotwhichoneiswhich.“Ishepowerfulbecausehecanshiftwheneverhewants?”
Alexfrowns.“No.That’sjustpartofwhoheis,but—everyoneknewthathehadthemakingofanAlpha.”Hiseyesarestartingtoshine.AMorelandstan,clearly.“Hewasthefastestrunner,andthebesttracker,andevenhisscentwasright.That’swhyRoscoesenthimaway.”
“Notadumbmove,sinceintheendLowekilledRoscoe.”
Alexblinksatme.“Hedidn’tkillhim.Hechallengedhim,andRoscoediedthroughthatprocess.”
TheremustbeculturalnuancesthatI’mnotgraspinghere,nottomentionthatRoscoewas,byallaccounts,abloodthirstysadist.Doesn’tseemlikeahugeloss,soIdon’tpressit.“IsmyroomieLoweusuallygoneduringtheday?”It’saboutsixp.m.,butIcan’thearanyonemovingabouttheplace.MaybeMorelandisavoidinghomebecauseIstankitup?ItookabathwhenIwokeup,andsoakedforalongtime.Notquiteanolivebranch,but…anolive.“WhataboutAna?”
“AnaiswithJuno.”Alexshrugs.“Loweisofftodealwiththesabotagethathappenedthismorning,and…”
Icockmyhead,andit’samistake—toomuchbroadcastedinterest.Alextakesastepback,clearinghisthroat.“Actually,they’reoutonarun,”hesays,andhemustbetheworstliarI’veeverseen.I’mtemptedtopathisback,lethimknowthathe’sdoinggreatandwon’tgotohellformakingstuffup.
Instead,Ipushharder.“HaveyoueverseenHumansinthishouse?”
“Humans?”Hisbrowfurrows.“Likewho?”
Serena’sfaceflashesthroughmyhead.She’srollinghereyesbecauseI’mwearingagalaxyT-shirtIgotforfreewhenIboughtalavalamp.Whowearsthis,Misery?No—whobuysalavalamp?
“AnyHuman.”Ishrugartfully.“Justcurious.”
Idon’tthinkhebuysit.“I’veneverseenaHumaninWereterritory.”Hegivesmeasuspiciouslook.I’veplayedmyhandtooheavily.“AndthisistheAlpha’shome.AplaceforWerestofeelsafe.”
“Except,nowIlivehere.”Iplaywithmysilverweddingband—ahabitI’vepickedupinlessthantwenty-fourhours.I’veneverbeenmuchforjewelry,butmaybeI’llkeepitwhenIfindSerenaandthisisover.OrbuyoneofthosemoodringsthatthinkVampyresarealwayssadbecauseourbodytemperatureislow.“Why?”
“Um,whatdoyoumean?”
“I’mjustsurprisedLowewouldwantmearound.”
“You’remarried.”
“Notforreal,though.LoweandIdidn’tmeetonaCaribbeanvacationandfallinlovewhilegettingourscubadivingcertificates.”
“It’snotamatteroflove.”
Iliftmyeyebrow.
“Havingyoulivewithhim—it’saboutprotection.Makingacommitment.Sendingamessage.Theyknowyou’renothistruewifeorhismateoranything.”
Ah,yes,thefamedmate.Whoprobablyusedtoliveinhishouse.Inod,notquiteunderstanding.Thenagain,Idon’tunderstandHumansorVampyres,either.I’msuretheWereshavetheirreasonstodowhattheydo.
JustlikeIhavemine.
“So,Ishouldn’theadoutonmyown,butinsidethehouseIcanbewhereverIwant?”
Alex’sshouldersrelaxatthechangeoftopic.“Sure.MaybestayoutofLowe’sandAna’srooms.Andhisoffice.”
“Ofcourse.”Ismilejustalittle.Fangless.“Andwhere’stheoffice?”
Hepointsatthehallwaybehindme.“Left,thenright.”
“Perfect.IjusthopeIdon’tgetlost.”Ishrugairily,andplantmyfirstlie:“Myorientationskillsareprettybad.”
ThefirsttimeIsearchedonlineforL.E.Moreland,Ifoundtwothings:asemi-defunctGeoCitieswebsitepromotingawhollydefunctrealestateagent,andtheinfinitevastnessofnothing.
SoIsearchedagain,thewaypenetrationtestersdo:withsomedisregardfordoors.Ijumpedafenceortwo,slitheredbetweengates’pickets,tookadvantageofwindowslefthalfopenbytheirowners.
That’swhenIdiscoveredthatthelateLeopoldEricMoreland,whodiedpeacefullyinhisbedin1999,hadpreviouslysettledoutofcourtonalawsuitfornegligenceinhisfiduciaryduties,andwasobsessedwithYorkies.
Andnothingelse.
SoItookoffmywhitehat.AndwhenIstartedsearchingnext,therewaslessstealthingaroundajardoors,andmoreknockingoverentirewalls.Inhindsight,Igotalittlereckless.ButIwasgettingfrustrated,because—nooffensetomyanimal-lover-but-sloppy-workerfriendLeopold—nodecentrecordsofL.E.Morelandcouldbefound.
Withoneexception.
DeepinaHumanserverwithtiestothegovernor’soffice,hiddeninamemolockedbehindabewilderingnumberofpasswords,Idiscoveredacommunicationregardingasummitthathadoccurredacoupleofweeksearlier.AroundthetimeSerenahadn’tshownupforlaundrynight.
LoweMorelandandM.Garciaareexpectedtobepresent,itsaid.Securitywillbeincreased.
Ilikedata,andnumbers,andthinkingthingsthroughwithlogicandpivottables.I’veneverbeeninstinctive,butinthatmoment,Iknew—Ijustknew—thatIwasontherighttrack.ThatLoweMorelandhadtobeinvolvedinSerena’sdisappearance.
SoIstartedsearchingforhimtwenty-fourseven.Itooktimeoffwork.Calledinfavors.Staredatsecuritycamerafootage.Wentdeepintothedarkweb,whichisevenlessfunthanitsounds.Afterweeks,IdiscoveredonethingaboutLoweMoreland:whoevertookcareoferasinghisdigitalfootprintwasnearlyasgoodasIam.
AndI’mprettyfuckinggood.
OnceIfoundoutfromFatherthatLowewasaWere,thesecrecyfinallymadesense.Theirfirewallshavealwaysbeenexceptional,theirnetworkshack-proof.I’dlovetomeetthepersonwhokeepsitupsoIcaneitherfangirlordeckthem.ButwanderingaroundLowe’sbeautifulhome,whichisevenlargerthanIthought,Iknowthatit’snotgoingtobeaproblemanymore.BecausewhiletheremightbeseveralthingsIcan’tdoremotely,ifI’mphysicallyinfrontofacomputer?It’shappening,baby.AndonceI’min,I’mgoingtoscoureverysingledocumentandpieceofcommunicationtheWereshave,andI’mgoingtofindSerena,andthen…
Then.
“What’stheplan?”Serenawouldaskifshewerehere,eventhoughthelittleschemesshehatchedneverworkedout.Shelikedthevibeoforganizingmorethantheactualjobofit,andmyusuallyimperviousheartclenchesalittleatthethoughtthatIcannotcallheroutonit.
Ihavenoplan—justtheonlypersonIevercaredabout,displacedfrommylife.Andmaybeit’salittleamateursleuthofme,allthisskulkingaroundthroughsemi-darkhallwaysinthehopeoffindingawhiteboardwith“ListofpeopleLowedisappeared”writtenonit.I’mbeggingforsomething,anything,whilebeingawarethatthisentireendeavormeltingintonothingisadistinctpossibility
Aslightlynauseatingone.
“Andtheresheis.”
Ijump,startled.Thegoodnewsis,Lowedidn’tcomehomeearlyfromsomethingthatdefinitelywasn’taruntofindhisreekingVampyrebridepretendingshemixeduphisofficewiththelinencloset.
Thebadis…
“Youareverybeautiful,aren’tyou?”theWeresays.
He’syoungerthanme,maybearoundeighteen.Whenhecomescloser,Itrytoplacehim,wonderingifIrememberhisshort,wiryframeandaquilinenosefromtheceremony.Buthewasn’tthere.AndIbelievehe’sseeingmeforthefirsttime,too.
“Ididn’tthinkVampyrescouldbebeautiful.”There’snothingcomplimentaryabouthiswords.He’sneitherhittingonme,norattemptingtocreepmeout.Juststatingasimplefact,followedbyanothersteptowardme,andI’msuddenlyveryconsciousthatI’mattheendofahallway.Hestandsbetweenmeandtheexit.
“Whoareyou?”
“Max,”hesays,butdoesn’telaborate.Thereissomethingabsentminded,almostemptyabouthim.Disoriented.Likehewasgoingtotakeaswiminthelakebutfoundhimselfherewithoutplanningonit.“IwonderifLowelikesseeingyouaround.Becauseyou’resopretty,”hemusesnumbly.
“Idoubtit.”IwanttoputadoorbetweenmyselfandMax,buttheonlyoneIcanreachisLowe’soffice—locked.Iglancearoundforanotherescaperoute,butallIfindisagiraffepaintingofquestionablequality.
Imightbeoverreacting.
“Ormaybehehatesyou,becauseyouforcehimtoremember.”
“Rememberwhat?”Thisisunsettling.“Idon’twanttostartleyou,butwouldyoumindifIwalkedpast—”
“Rememberwhatyourpeoplehavetakenfromhim.It’salmostasmuchasthey’vetakenfromme.Andyethe’smakingallianceswiththemlikeacommontraitor.Hemarriedyou,andsaidthatyou’renottobeharmed.”Maxrunsahandoverhisdarkhair,andthenshakeshisheadinwhatlookslikedisbelief.Helookssodeeplylost,Iforgetmyuneaseandask:
“Areyouokay?”
Hiseyessharpen.“HowcouldIbeokay?”Hetakesastepfarther,nearlycorneringmeagainstthewall.Thesmellofhisbloodsweepsoverme,hot,unpleasant.Hisheartbeatpunchesinmyears,booming,impossiblyfast.“HowcouldIbeokay,whenyou’rehere,inmyAlpha’shome,afteryourpeoplehavehuntedmyrelativesandmountedtheirembalmedheadstotheirwalls.”
Thepartofmewhowasoncefourteenyearsoldandalmoststabbedbyananti-Vampyreactivistposingasagasinspectorkicksin.“Thenmaybewe’reeven,sinceyourpeoplehavemadewineoutofthebloodofmineandthenmixeditwithlivestockfeed.”Islideahandintothepocketofmyjeans,hopingforanyweapon.Akey,atoothpick,evensomelint—nothing.
Shit.
“Tellme.”Hemovescloser.Iforcemyselftostandmyground.“Yourfatherisalive?”
“AsfarasIknow.”
“Mineisn’t.Normyoldersister.”Hisgreeneyesarebrightandglossy.“ShewasmurderedwhenIwasnine,whilepatrollingaborderintheNortheastthattheVampyressometimescrossjustforfun.ShediedtoprotectmeandotherWerechildren,and…”Thewordsstickinhisthroat.Ifeelasurgeofcompassion.Myheartdrops,heavywithcertaintythathe’sgoingtoburstintotears
ButI’mdeadwrong,andIrealizeittoolate.
Heracestowardmeinasuddenexplosionofviciousenergy.Theimpactofhisbodyagainstminebrieflyknocksthebreathoutofme—briefly.He’samaleWere,muchstronger,butI’musedtopeoplewantingtoassassinateme,andwhenhishandclutchesmywrist,hoursoftrainingspringintomusclememory.Mykneehitshisgroinandhewails.Iusethedistractiontopushhimaway,andit’snoteasy,ithurts,butbythetimeIcanbreatheagain,myforearmispinninghisthroattothewall,andourfacesareonlyinchesapart.
Idon’twanttohurthim.I’mnotgoingtohurthim,evenifhe’sscreamingabuseatme—“Iwillendyou”and“Murderer”and“Youleech.”
SoIpeelbackmylips,andshowhimmyfangs.
Therumbleinhisthroatinstantlydullsintoawhimper.Hiseyeslowertotheground,andthetensioninhismusclesloosens.Itakeadeepbreath,makingsurethathe’snotfakingthis,thathe’sreallycalmeddownandhewon’tattackmethesecondIpullback,and—
ApairofhandsamilliontimesstrongerthanMax’syanksmeaway.Whathappensnextistooblurrytoparse,butamomentlater,I’mtheonesandwichedagainsttheopposingwall.Mybackdigsintotheframeofthegiraffepainting,andmyfrontpressesagainstsomethingjustasunyielding,butwarm.
Whatthefuck,Ithink,ormaybeIsayitoutloud.
I’mjustnotsure.BecausewhenIopenmyeyes,allIcanfocusonisthewayLoweMorelandisstaringdownatme.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER5
Sheisresilient.Hetriestoimaginehowhe’dfeelifhewereinherposition—alone,removed,used,anddiscarded.Hehasnothingbutreluctantrespectforher,andthatangershim.
UnlikeMax’sgrip,Lowe’sdoesn’thurt.
It’stight,though.Andthewayhepressesmeagainstthewall,likehe’stryingtoputhisbigbodybetweenmeandtherestoftheworld,makesitdifficulttobreatheinwithoutplasteringmyentirefronttohis.
“MissLark,”hesays.Hoarse.Agrowl,nearly.
Iswallowagainstthesuddendroughtinmythroat,whichmakesmerealizewherehishandis:wrappedaroundmyneck.Almostentirely.Hisfingersaresolong,theytouchthevalleysbehindmyears.
“Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing?”heasks,lowanddeep.Thoseoffbeateyesofhisboreintomine.Myheartbeat,whichremainedmiraculouslysteadyduringmyscufflewithMax,suddenlypoundslouder—thenwhisksintoslowflutterswhenLowelowershisheadtomurmuragainstmytemple,“Wehaven’tevenbeenmarriedfortwenty-fourhours.Prayingmantiseshavelongerhoneymoonperiods.”
Max,Icouldtake,fairlyeasily.Lowe,noway.It’sthedifferencebetweenapuppyandadirewolf.
“Just,youknow.”Mywordssoundwobbly.I’mnotproudofthat.“Tryingtoavoidgettingkilled.”
Lowestiffensforamillisecond,thenpushesaway.Buthesticksclose,palmsflatagainstthewalloneachsideofmyhead—onestillbandagedfromyesterday’swound.Itfeelslikeacage.Amakeshiftprisonthathe’sbuilding,madeofhisbodyandhisglare,tokeepmepinnedinplaceasheturnsaroundtoaskMax,“Youokay?”
Maxlooksupandnods,lipstrembling.BynowthereareseveralWeresgatheredaroundhim.Alex,whoglancesbetweenLoweandmewithanexpressionsoguiltyhe’dprobablyadmittomortgagefraudifpressedeversoslightly.ButalsoJuno,thoroughlyinspectingMaxforanymortalwoundsImighthaveinflicted,andtheoldermanandthegingerfromtheceremony,whostareatmeasthoughIjusttoldtheorphanagekidsthatSantaisn’treal.
Everyoneinthishallwaylooksveryreadytoshattermykneecaps,maybeeatthemarrowafter.Which,nope.
“Excuseme.”ItrytodipoutofLowe’scagetoleave.Helowersonearm,lockingmeinmoretightly.
“Whathappened?”heasksme.
Junobeatsmetotheanswer.“Shewasabouttodrinkhimdry.Weallsawit.”SherunsahandoverMax’sclammyforehead.Helooksbrieflyadrift,andthenstammersout,
“Sh-shewasonme.BeforeIcoulddoanythingaboutit.And…”Hebendshishead,asiflostforwords.
Everypairofeyesintheroomturnstome.“Oh,comeon,”Isnort.
“Herfangsweresoclose,”hewhispersfeebly,andnowI’mgettingannoyed.Clearlymethodactingishispassion,buthedidtrytoassaultme.
“Yeah,okay.”Irollmyeyes.“Please,leavemeoutofyourerotomaniacaldelusions—”
“HaveadoctorcheckMax,”Lowebarks,andthenhishandclosesaroundmywrist,atoncegentleandunyielding.Ithappenssofast,Inearlylosemybalance.BeforeIknowit,I’mscramblingtokeepupwithhislongerlegsashedragsmeinsidehisoffice.
Iimmediatelylookaround.Iamworriedaboutwhathe’sgoingtodowithme,butthisisagreatopportunity.Hedidn’tuseakey,whichmeansthathemusthavesomekindofsmartlock—
“Whathappened?”Loweasks.Heletgoofme,butstillstandswaytooclose,whenthere’splentyofspaceintheroomtonotcrowdme.It’sgivingmeflashbackstoourwedding,andthistimeI’mnotevenwearingheels,whichmeansthathegetstoloomovermeinawayalmostnooneeverdoes.
Thedooropenssuddenly.Junoenters,butLowe’seyesstayonme.
“Misery,”hegrowls,“howaboutyoufuckinganswerme,foronce?”
“Maxcameover,sawme,decidedtoindulgeinsomelightafternoonmurder.”Ishrug.“That,I’musedto.It’sthesubsequentlyingthat—”
“Bullshit,”Junosays.
Iturntoher.“I’mnotaskingyoutobelieveme.Butreasonitout—whywouldIattackaWere,onmyfirstdayinyourterritory,whentheconsequenceswouldbemydeathatbest,andfull-onwarbetweentheWeresandtheVampyresatworst?”
“Ithinkyoucan’thelpyourself.Ithinkyousawhim,andyouwantedtofeed,andyou—”
“—andIwastoolazytostopbytheblood-dedicatedfridgefiftyfeetaway?”Istepinfrontofher,forgettingallaboutLowe.“That’snothowfeedingworks.Let’sjustacknowledgethatweknownothingabouteachother’sspecies.Maxcamein,startedtellingmeabouthowabunchofpeopleIsharesomedistantDNAwithkilledhisfamily,thatLowe’satraitorformarryingme,andthenhe…what?”
Junoisn’tlisteningtomeanymore.HereyesmeetLowe’s.Awholeconversationpassesbetweentheminasplitsecond.
Thenshelooksbackatme.Furious.“IfyouaretryingtoimplythatMaxisworkingwiththeLoyals—”
“I’mnot.BecauseIhavenoideawhattheLoyalsare.”
“MaxisnotaLoyal.”
“Sure.He’snotabrooktrout,either.I’mnotmakinganyontologicalclaimsonhim,buthedidattackme.”
“Youare”—shetakesanangrystepcloser—“aliar.”
“Leaveus.”Lowe’ssharpvoiceremindsusthatwe’renotaloneintheroom.Weturnatonce.Andwe’reequallyshockedtoseethathe’saddressingJuno.
“She’slying,”Junoinsists.It’sgettingalittleridiculous,thewayshepointsatmelikeI’mamuggerwhoyankedherpurseaway.“Youshouldpunishher.”
Isnortoutalaugh.“Yes,Lowe.SpankmeandtakeawaymyTVprivileges.”
“Youblade-earedleech.”
“Juno.Out.”
HoweverthehierarchyworksamongtheWeres,itmustbestrict.BecauseJunoclearlywantstostayandgroundmewithherclaws,butshedipsherheadonceinsomethingakintoasalute,andthenmurmursasoft“Alpha,”beforestalkingoutoftheoffice.
Itfeelslikerespite,thedoorclosingbehindher,theblessedquiet.UntilLowemovescloser,andIsuddenlymournnothavingathirdpersonintheroom.Thebad,asitturnsout,isstillbetterthantheworse.
“Misery,”hesays.Thereisreproachinhisvoice,andabitofaroughedge,andthetoneofsomeonewhohaslotsofproblemskeepinghimbusy,andisusedtosolvingmostofthemwithalookandmaybeatinythreatofviolence.
Weregardeachother,justmeandhim,andyes,Ifeelitloudinmyblood:we’realone.Forthefirsttime—thoughnotofmanytocome.IdoubtLowewasplanningtospendqualitytimewithmeeveragainafteryesterday.
Asidefromalayerofstubble,helookslikehedidattheceremony,hisharshfaceallstructure.Clearly,asmymakeupartistwaspaintingtheSistineChapelredux,hisfoundnothingtoimproveon.Inoticehiseyesdiptomycollarbone,whereafaintshadowoftheforest-greenmarkingsstilllingersbehindtheriotofwavesleftoverfromthebraids.Onceagain,thatmuscleinhisjawjumps,pupilsgetfatallofasudden.
Thissituationisaproblem.TheCollateralissupposedtobeanonplayablecharacterinavideogame.Forthenextyear,Ineedtobeinvisible,unobtrusiveasIsearchforSerena.NotthekindofnuisancewhogetscaughtmurderingayoungWere.
God,Ibettheycallthempups
“Youdon’tbelieveme,doyou?”Iask.
Heblinks,likeheforgotwewereinthemiddleofaconversation.Heclearshisthroat,buthisvoicestaysgravelly.“Believewhat?”
“ThatIdidn’tattackMax.”
Hepresseshisfulllipstogether.“Youwereshowinghimyourfangs.”
“Youjealous?”Ibatmyeyesathim,notsurewherethisrecklessnesscomesfrom.Idon’tthinkIwanttoprovokehim.“Wannaseethem?”
Hiseyesrocketdowntomylipsandstayforabeattoolong.It’salmostfunny,howrepulsiveWeresfindourteeth.“WhatIamisworriedthatmyVampyrewifewillgetherselfkilled.I’dhavetoburyhercorpseintheraisedbedundertheplumbago,andthenextbatchwillsproutugly.”
Igasptheatrically.“Nottheplumbago.”
“Theyaremysister’sfavorite.”
“Andsheisverycute.”
Heabruptlyleanssoclose,Ifeelhisbreathonmylips.“Isthisathreat?”
“No.”Ifrown,bewildered.“No.”Iletoutachokedlaugh.“Therewasno‘wouldbeashameifsomethinghappenedtoher’implied.DespitethefanfictionMaxandJunohavebeenwritingaboutme,Idonotusuallyplotthedemiseofchildren.”IthinkaboutmyconversationwithAlex.Who’sprobablyoffsomewherebitinghiscuticlestolittlestumps.“Plus,you’retheonewhodecidedIshouldbelivinghere.”
Hiseyebrowlifts.“I’msureyouhavesomeexcellentadviceonwhereelseIshouldhousethedaughterofthemostpowerfulVampyreinthecouncil,who’sapparentlyafearsomefighterinherownright.”
“Fearsome?”I’m…flattered?
“Foranon-Were,”headds,atadbegrudgingly,likeheregretsthecompliment.Ibetthismanthrivesongrudges.Hehasaquestionabletemperament,sternandautocratic,andI’vealwaysthoughtofmyselfastoomuchofasurvivortobeinanywaymouthy,buthereIam.Nettlesome.
“Still.Itfeelslikecommittingtothebitalittletoomuch,givingmethebedroomnexttoyours.”
“I’lldecidewhat’stoomuch.”He’scondescending.Andinflexible.Adick,probably.
“Byallmeans,then,let’sembracetradition.Shouldweslicemypalmanddripsomebloodonthesheets?Hangthemfromthepublicsquare?”
Hiseyesclosebrieflyandhegritsout,“Idoubtthereareanyexpectationsofvirginityonyourpart.”
“Fantastic.Ilovesurprisingpeople.”
Iseetheconfusioninhispartedlips,beforehesubduesitandshiftsbacktohisdefaultaustereexpression.
It’samusingtome,theideathatsomeonewhohasskimmedasynopsisofmylifewouldassumeI’vehadanysortofromanticentanglement.Withwhom?AVampyre,whentheyonlyseemeasatraitor?AHuman,whowouldconsidermeamonster?
ThebirthcontrolshotIwasgivenbeforecomingherewasajoke,notjustbecauseLoweandIareaslikelytohavesexaswearetostartapodcasttogether,butalsobecausehe’saWereandIaVampyre,andwecouldn’treproduceevenifwewantedto.Interspeciesrelationshipsareunheardof—ifnotunseen,judgingbyalltheHuman-producedpornSerenaandIwouldwatch.We’deatpopcornandlaughattheuntalentedactorsinpurplecontactsandfaketeethengaginginactsthatproudlyshowcasedtheirignoranceofVampyreanatomy.Were,too.I’mnoexpert,butI’mfairlysuretheirdickswouldn’tgetstuckinanorificelikethat.
“Wheredidyoulearnhowtofight?”Loweasks.Probablytochangethetopicfromsexwithhisleastfavoritesentientspecies.
“Wasitnotlistedinyourbriefingmemo?”
Heshakeshishead.“Ididwonderhowyoucouldstillbealive,aftersevenattemptsonyourlife.”
“SodidI.Andthereweremorethanthat,thoughmostwerehalf-assed.Wegottiredofreportingthem.”
“We?”
“MyfostersisterandI.”Icrossmyarms,andnowI’mmirroringhispose.Hereweare,toocloseonceagain,myelbowsalmostbrushinghis.“Wetookself-defenseclassestogether.”
Youknowher,don’tyou?Sheknowsyou.Tellmesomething.Anything.
Hedoes,butnotwhatIwanttohear.“NofightinginWereterritory.”
“Sure.So,nexttimesomeoneattacksme,Iletthemhelpthemselves?Thenagain,youcouldbethenextonetoattackme.Sinceyou’renotexactlyafan.”
Thepausethatfollowsisnotencouraging.“ForaslongasyouliveinWereterritory,youareundermyprotection.Andundermyauthority.”
Iletoutasilent,breathylaugh.“Whatareyourordersforme,then?”
Hetakesonestepcloser,andthetensionintheroominstantlychanges,shiftingtosomethingtighter,moredangerous.Fearstabsmystomach,thatmaybeIpushedtoomuch.That’swhyaWereisbendingoverme:toremindmehowinsignificantIamandsay,“Ineedyoutobehave,Misery.”
Hisvoiceisallhardconsonantsandnarroweyes,andashiverrunsupmyspine,coldandelectric.MymindjumpsbacktoAlex’swords:Evenhisscentwasright.EveryoneknewthathehadthemakingofanAlpha.I’mnoWere,andifIinhale,allIcansmelliscleansweatandstrongblood,butIthinkIknowwhathemeant.SomehowIfeelit,thecompulsiontonod,agree.TodoasLowewants.
Ihavetoactivelystopmyself.Andshiverintheprocess.
“Atleastyouarecleverenoughtobeafraid,”hemurmurs.
Igritmyteeth.“Justcold.Youkeepthetemperaturefartoolow.”
Hisnostrilsflare.“DoasIfuckingtellyou,Misery.”
“Butofcourse.”Myvoiceissteady,butheknowshowrattledIam.JustasIknowI’mrattlinghim.“MayIbeexcused?”
Henodsbrusquely,andIdartforthedoor.ButthenIremembersomethingimportantI’vebeenmeaningtoask.
Iturnbacktohim.“Canmycat—”
Istop,becauseLowe’seyesareclosed.He’sinhalingdeeply,asthoughgatheringeverypossibleairmoleculewithintheroominsidehislungs.Andhelooks
Tormented.Inpure,absoluteagony.HestraightenshisexpressionwhenhenoticesthatI’mlooking,butit’stoolate.
Mystomachtwistswithsomethingslimyandunpleasant.Guilt.“Itookabath.Didthatnotmakeitbetter?”
Hisstareisblank.“Makewhatbetter?”
“Myscent.”
Heswallowsvisibly.Histoneissharp.“Thesituationhasn’timprovedforme.”
“Buthow—”
“Whatwereyougoingtoask,Misery?”
Oh.Right.“Ihaveacat.”
HescowlslikeItoldhimIkeeppetcentipedes.“Youhaveacat.”
“Yup.”Istopatthat,becauseLowehasn’tearnedtherighttoanyexplanationformylifechoices.NotthatanythingaboutSerena’sdamnfuckingcatwasachoice.“He’scurrentlylockedinmyroom,ifyoursisterdidn’tlethimoutwithherpilferedkey.CanIlethimroamaroundthehouse,orwillMaxtrytoframehimforracketeering?”
“Yourcatiswelcomeamongus,”Lowesays.Ifthat’snotajab,nothingelseis.
“Wonderhowthatfeels,”Isaybreezily,andslipoutoftheroomwithoutglancingathimagain.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER6
Beinggoneisarelief.Andsheeragony.
Allinall,it’snotthemostauspiciousofstarts.
Intheweekfollowingmyarrival,IspendanunhealthyamountoftimementallyslappingmyselfoverthewayIhandledthekerfufflewithMax.Idon’tcarewhethertheWeresthinkI’maderangedmonster,butIdomindthatwhatevercrumboffreedomtheymighthavebeeninclinedtogivemehasbeenswiftlyvacuumedup.
I’mescortedeverywhere:asItakeastrollbythelake;togrababloodbagfromthefridge;whenIsitinthegardenatdusk,justtoexperiencesomethingthat’snotmyensuite.Iambutacornucopiaofregret.Becausewe’reallbadbitches—tillascowlingWerestandsoutsidethebathroomdoorwhilewe’rewashingourhair.
Tillweloseourchancetosnooparound.
Somuchtimeonmyhands,andsolittletospenditon.It’stheCollaterallifeI’mfamiliarwith,justwithsignificantlyfewerSerenastokeepmebusy.Ishouldbeboredtodeath,butthetruthis,thisisnottoodifferentfrommyroutineintheHumanworld.Ihavenofriends,nohobbies,andnorealpurposeasidefromearningenoughmoneytopayrentinorderto…exist,Iguess.
It’slikeyou’re—Idon’tknow,suspended.Untetheredfromeverythingaroundyou.Ijustneedtoseeyougotowardsomething,Misery.
Theremightbesomethingstuntedaboutme.AftertheCollateraltermwasover,SerenaandIwerefreetoventureintotheoutsideworld,tobewithpeoplewhoweren’tourtutorsorourcaregivers,tofallinloveandmakefriends.Serenajumpedrightintothat,butIcouldneverbringmyselfto.PartlybecausethecloserI’dletsomeonegettome,theharderit’dbetohidewhoIwas.Ormaybespendingthefirsteighteenyearsofmylifebecomingacquaintedwiththecrueltyofallspeciesdidn’tquitesetmeupforabrightfuture.
Whoknows.
SoIsleepduringtheday,andspendmynightsnapping.Itakelongbaths,firstforLowe’ssake,thenbecauseIgrowtotrulyenjoythem.IwatcholdHumanmovies.Iwalkaroundmyroom,marvelingathowprettyitis,wonderingwhothehellthoughtofthisbeamedceiling,sophisticatedandcozyandstunningatonce.
Idomisstheinternet.ThereisaconcernthatImightwanttomoonlightasaspy,andtopreventmefromtransferringclassifiedandconfidentialinformationIcouldcomeacrosswhileinWereterritory,Idon’treallyhaveaccesstotechnology—withtheexceptionofmyweeklycheck-incallwithVania,whichisheavilymonitoredandlastsjustlongenoughforhertosneeratmeassheascertainsthatI’mstillalive.Ofcourse,thisisnotmyfirstrodeo,andIdidtrytosmuggleinacellphone,plusalaptopandabunchofpentestinggadgets.
Yourhonor,Igotcaught.Whoeverwentthroughmystuffhadthegalltoconfiscatehalfofit—andtopluckoutalltheantennapointsandWi-Ficardsfromtherest.WhenIrealizedit,Ilayonthefloorfortwohours,likeathwartedjellyfishbeachedinthesun.
Loweisrarelyaround,andneverwithinsight,althoughsometimesI’llfeelhislowvoicevibratethroughthewalls.Firmorders.Longhushedconversations.Once,memorably,rightasIslidintomyclosetformymiddayrest,adeeplaughfollowedbyAna’sdelightedscreams.Idriftedasleepmomentslater,second-guessingwhatIheard.
Onthefifthevening,someoneknocksonmydoor.
“Hi,Misery.”It’sMick—theolderWerewhowastalkingwithLoweattheceremony.Ilikehimalot.Mostlybecause,unlikemyotherguards,hedoesn’tseemtowantmetogostandoutsideandgetstruckbylightning.Ilovetothinkthatwebondedwhenhetookhisfirstnightshift:Inoticedhimslumpingagainstthewall,pushedmyrollingchairintothehallway,andbam—instantlyBFFs.Ourthree-minuteconversationaboutwaterpressurewastheapogeeofmyweek.
“What’sup,friendlyneighborhoodwarden?”
“Thepoliticallycorrectnameis‘protectivedetail.’?”Thereissomethingoffabouthisheartbeat—somethingdull,aslightdragthat’salmostdespondent.Iwonderifit’srelatedtothebigscaronhisthroat,butImightbeimaginingitaltogether,becausehesmilesatmeinawaythatturnshiseyesintoawebofcrow’sfeet.Whycan’teveryonebethisnice?“Andthere’savideocallforyou,fromyourbrother.Comewithme.”
AnyhopeIhavethatMickwilltakemetoLowe’sofficeandleavemealonetosnooparounddieswhenweheadforthesunroom.
“Readytocomeback?”Owensaysbefore“Hi.”
“Idon’tthinkthat’sanoption,ifwewanttoavoid…”
“PissingoffFather?”
“Iwasthinkingfull-onwar.”
Owenwaveshishand.“Ah,yes.That,too.How’smaritallife?”
I’mveryawareofMicksittingacrossfromme,intentlymonitoringeverythingIsay.“Boring.”
“Yougothitchedtoaguywhocouldkillyouanysecondofanyday.Howareyoubored?”
“Technically,anybodycouldkillanybody,anytime.Yourobnoxiousfriendscouldpulloutagarroteonyoutonight.Icouldhavepouredtriazolopyrimidinesinyourbloodbagsamilliontimesoverinthepasttwentyyears.”Itapmychin.“Asamatteroffact,whydidInot?”
Somethingflickersinhiseyes.“Andtothinkthatweusedtolikeeachother,”hemurmursdarkly.He’snotwrong.BeforeIleftforHumanterritory,everyVampyrechildwhochosetobeadickaboutmysoon-to-beCollateralshiptendedtoencountercuriouslykarmicevents.Mysteriousbruises,spiderscrawlinginbackpacks,mortifyingsecretsbaredtothecommunity.I’dalwayssuspecteditwasOwen’sdoing.Thenagain,maybeIwaswrong.WhenIreturnedhomeateighteen,heseemedlessthanhappytoseeme,andhecertainlydidn’twanttoassociatewithmeinpublic.
“CanyoupleasejustbeterrifiedtobelivingamongtheWeres?”heasks.
“Sofar,Humansareworse.TheydoshitlikeburningtheAmazonrainforestorleavingthetoiletseatupatnight.Anyway,anythingyouneedfromme?”
Heshakeshishead.“Justmakingsureyou’restillalive.”
“Oh.”Iwetmylips.IdoubthegivesafuckaboutwhetherIcontinuetoexistonthismetaphysicalplane,butthisisagoodopportunity.“I’msogladyoucalled,because…Imissyousomuch,Owen.”
Astutterofincredulityflashesonhisgrainyface.Thenunderstandingdawnsonhim.“Yeah?Imissyou,too,honey.”Heleansbackinhischair,intrigued.“Tellmewhatailsyou.”
EveryVampyreintheSouthwestknowsthatwearetwins,ifonlybecauseourarrivalwasoriginallycelebratedasadazzlingsourceofhope(“Twobabiesatonce!IntheprestigiousLarkfamily!Whenconceptionhasbeensodifficult,andsofewofouryoungcomeby!Allhail!”)andlaterbrisklysweptunderathickrugoftruculentstories(“Theymurderedtheirownmotherduringatwo-nightlabor.Theboyweakenedher,andthegirldealtthefinalblow—Misery,theynamedher.MorebloodflowedonthatbedthanduringtheAster.”).Serenahadknown,too,whenIfirstintroducedhertohimaftershepesteredmetomeet“Theguywhocouldhavebeenmyroomieforyears,ifyou’dplayedyourcardsbetter,Misery”They’dsurprisinglyhititoff,bondingovertheirloveforroastingmyappearance,myclothes,mytasteinmusic.Mygeneralvibe.
Andyet,evenSerenawasn’tabletoshutupabouthowunbelievableitwasthatOwen,withhisdarkcomplexionandalreadyrecedinghairline,wasevenrelatedtome.It’sbecausewhereItakeafterFather,he…well,IsupposehelookslikeMother.Hardtosay,sincenopicturesseemtohavesurvivedher.
ButwhateverthedifferencesbetweenOwenandme,thosemonthssharingawombmusthaveleftsomemarkonus.Becausedespitegrowingupwithfewerinteractionsthanapairofpenpals,wedoseemtounderstandeachother.
“Rememberwhenwewerechildren?”Iask.“AndFatherwouldtakeustotheforesttowatchthesunsetandfeelthenightbegin?”
“Ofcourse.”NeitherFathernorthearmyofnannieswholookedafteruseverdidanythinglikeit.“Ithinkofitoften.”
“I’vebeenreminiscingaboutthethingsFatherwouldsay.Like:ThatthingIlost.Doyouhaveanynewsaboutit?”IshiftsmoothlybetweenEnglishandtheTongue,makingsurenottochangeintonation.Mick’seyesglanceupfromhisphone,morecuriousthansuspicious.
“Ah,yes.Youusedtolaughforminutesandsay,Ihavenot.Shehasn’treturnedtoherapartment—I’llbealertedifshedoes.”
“Butthenyou’dgetmadbecauseFatherandIweren’tpayingattentiontoyou,andwanderoffonyourown,grumblingabouttheoddestthings.Letmeknowifthatchanges.HaveyoubeentalkingwiththeWereCollateral?HasshementionedanythingaboutLoyals?”
Henodsandsighshappily.“Iknowyou’llneverbelieveit,butIalwayssay:Ihavenocontactwithher.ButI’llseewhatIcando.Fatheralwayslovedyoubest,darling.”
“Oh,darling.Ithinkhelovesusequally.”
Backinmyroom,Ipulloutmycomputer,wonderingifIcouldpilferaWi-Fichipoffsomeone’sphone.Ifuckaroundabit,writingaflexiblescripttoscourWereserversthatImightneverbeabletouse.Likealwayswhilecoding,Ilosetrackoftime.WhenIlookupfrommykeyboard,themoonishigh,myroomisdark,andasmall,creepycreaturestandsinfrontofme.It’swearingowlleggingswithachiffontutu,andstaresatmeliketheghostofChristmaspast.
Iyelp.
“Hi.”
OhmyGod.“Ana?”
“Hello.”
Iclutchmychest.“Whatthefuck?”
“Areyouplaying?”
“I…”Iglancedownatmylaptop.I’mbuildingafuzzylogiccircuitseemslikethewrongkindofanswer.“Sure.Howdidyougetinhere?”
“Youalwaysaskthesamequestions.”
“Andyoualwaysgetinhere.How?”
Shepointsatthewindow.Istridetherewithafrown,bracingmyselfagainstthesilltolookout.I’veexploreditbefore,inmydesperatequestforsomeunsupervisedespionage.Thebedroomsareonthesecondfloor,andI’vecheckedmultipletimeswhetherIcouldclimbdown(no,unlessIgotbitbyaradioactivespideranddevelopedsuctioncupsonmyfingers)orjumpout(notwithoutbreakingmyneck).Itneveroccurredtometolook…up.
“Throughtheroof?”Iask.
“Yes.Theytookawaymykey.”
“Doesyourbrotherknowyou’vebeenclimbinglikeaspidermonkey?”
Sheshrugs.Ishrug,too,andgobacktomybed.It’snotlikeI’mgonnatattleherout.“Whichoneisit?”sheasks.
“What?”
“Aspidermonkey.Isitaspiderthatlookslikeamonkey,oramonkeythatlookslikeaspider?”
“Hmm,notsure.Letmegoogleand—”Ipullmycomputerontomylap,thenremembertheWi-Fisituation.“Fuck.”
“That’sabadword,”Anasays,gigglinginadelighted,tickledwaythathasmefeelinglikeanimprovgenius.She’sflatteringcompany.“What’syourname?”
“Misery.”
“Miresy.”
“Misery.”
“Yes.Miresy.”
“That’snot…whatever.”
“CanIplaywithyou?”Sheeyesmylaptopeagerly.
“No.”
Herprettymouthcurvesintoapout.“Why?”
“Because.”Whatareweevengoingtodo?Longdivision?
“Alexletsmeplay.”
“Alex?Theblondguy?”Ihaven’tseenhimsincetheMaxincident.I’massumingitwasfiledas“underhiswatch,”andgothimpluckedoutofjailerrotation.
“Yes.Westealcarsandtalkwiththebeautifulladies.ButAlexsaysthatJunoisn’tsupposedtoknow.”
“YouplayGrandTheftAutowithAlex?”
Sheshrugs.
“Isthatappropriatefora…three-year-old?”
“I’mseven,”shedeclareshaughtily.Holdingupsixfingers.
Iletthatslide.“Notgonnalie,prettyproudthatitwaswithinmyrangeofestimation.”
Anothershrug,whichseemslikeherdefaultresponse.Relatable,honestly.ShesettlesonthebednexttomeandI’mbrieflyworriedthatshemightpeeonit.Doesshehaveadiaper?Isshehousebroken?ShouldIburpher?“Iwanttoplay,”sherepeats.
I’mnotasoftperson.Afterlivingthefirsteighteenyearsofmylifeinfunctionofalonglistofverynebulousothers,Iperfectedassertiveness.Ihavenoissuewithproducingafirm,finalnoandneverrevisitingarequestagain.SoImustbesufferingamajorcerebraleventwhenIsigh,andpullupmyeditor,andquicklyuseJavaScripttowhipupaSnake-likegame.
“Isthisedu…Edu…?”sheasks,afterI’mdoneexplaininghowitworks.“Edutacional?”
“Educational.”
“Junosaysit’simportantthatthegamesareedu…”
“Idon’tknowifitis,butatleastnomajorfeloniesareinvolved.”
Thereissomethingdisarmingaboutthewaysheleansagainstme,softandtrusting,asthoughourpeoplehaven’tbeenhuntingeachotherforsportinthelastcoupleofcenturies.Hertonguesticksoutbetweenherteethasshetriestosnatchapples,andwhenadarkcurlslipsinfrontofherrighteye,Icatchmyselfwithmyfingershoveringrightthere,temptedtofolditbehindherear.
“Shit,”Imutter,pullingbackmyhand.
“What?”
“Nothing.”Itrapmyarmsbetweenmybackandthewall,horrified.
ItfeelslikethemiddleofthenightwhenAnayawnsanddecidesit’stimetogobacktoherroom.“Mycatiswaitingforme,anyway.”
Wait.“Yourcat?”
Shenods.
“Doesyourcathappentobegray?Longhair?Smushedface?”
“Yes.HernameisSparkles.”
Oh,fuck.“Firstofall,he’saboy.”
Sheblinksatme.“HisnameisSparkles,then.”
“No,hisnameisSerena’sdamnfuckingcat.”
Ana’sexpressionispitying.
“Andhe’sactuallymycat.”Serena’s.Whatever.
“Idon’tthinkso.”
“YoudorealizethathearrivedwhenIdid.”
“Buthesleepswithme.”
Ah.Sothat’swherehedisappearstoallthetime.“That’sjustbecausehehatesme.”
“Thenmaybehe’snotyourcat,”shesays,withthedelicatesombernessofatherapistwho’slettingmeknowthatIdon’thaveadiagnosabledisorder,I’mjustabitch.
“Youknowwhat?Idon’tcare.It’sbetweenyouandSerena.”
“Who’sSerena?”
“Myfriend.”
“Yourbestfriend?”
“Ionlyhavetheone,so…yeah?”
“MybestfriendisMisha.Shehasredhair,andshe’sthedaughterofmybrother’sbestfriend,Cal.AndJunoisheraunt.Andshehasalittlebrother,hisnameisJackson,andalittlesister,andhername—”
“ThisisnotTheBrothersKaramazov,”Iinterrupt.“Idon’tneedthefamilytree.”
“—isJolene,”shecontinues,undeterred.“WhereisSerena?”
“She…I’mtryingtofindher.”
“Maybemybrothercanhelpyou?He’srealgoodathelpingpeople.”
Iswallow.Ijustcan’twithchildren.“Maybe.”
Shestudiesmeforseveralseconds.“AreyoulikeLowe?”
“I’mnotsurewhatyoumean,butno.”
“Hedoesn’tsleep,either.”
“Idosleep.Justduringtheday.”
“Ah.Lowedoesn’tsleep.Atall.”
“Never?IsitaWerething?AnAlphathing?”
Sheshakesherhead.“Hehaspneumonia.”
Seriously?Whendidhegetit?Heseemedhealthytome.MaybeforWeres,pneumoniaisnotabig—“Wait!”IcallwhenIseeAnaheadingforthewindow.“Howaboutyougothroughthedoor?”
Shedoesn’tevenstoptosayno.
“Itwouldbemorefun.YoucouldstopbyLowe’sroomonyourway,”Ioffer.Becauseifthischilddies,it’sonme.“Sayhi.Hangout.”
“He’snothere.He’sgonetodealwiththelollipops.”
Itrailafterher.“Withthelollipops.”
“Yes.”
“There’snowayheisdealingwith—DoyoumeantheLoyals?”
“Yes.Thelollipops.”She’salreadyclimbingupward,andspidermonkeydoesn’tevenbegintodescribehowagilesheis.Butstill
“Don’t.Comeback!I…forbidyoufromcontinuing.”
Shekeepsscaling.“You’reaVampyre.Idon’tthinkyoucantellmewhattodo.”Shesoundsmorematter-of-factthanbratty,andallIcanthinkofreplyingis:
“Shit.”
Ifollowherprogress,terrified,wonderingifthisismotherhood:anxiouslypicturingyourchildwithherskullcrackedopen.ButAnaknowsexactlywhatshe’sdoing,andwhenshehashoistedherselfontopoftheroofanddisappearedfrommyview,I’mleftalonewithtwoseparatepiecesofknowledge:
I’mbefuddlinglyinvestedinthesurvivalofthistinypestofaWere.
AndLowe,myhusband,myroomie,isgoneforthenight.
Islipinsidethebathroom,findoneofmyhairpins,anddowhatIhavetodo.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER7
Thescentisgrowingintomorethanjustaproblem.Itinvades.Itswirls.Ittravels.Itstickstohisnose.Itconcentrates,sometimes.
Theyrarelytouch.Whentheydid,herwristaccidentallybrushedagainstthefrontofhisshirt,andhefoundhimselftearingoffthepieceoffabricwherehersmellwasmostintense.Heslippeditinhispocket,andnowcarriesiteverywhere.
Evenasheleavestoavoidher.
BreakingintakeslongerthanIexpected,butnotbymuch.ThelockclicksandIstop,wonderingifmyguard—ano-bullshitWerenamedGemma,Ibelieve—willcheckinonme.AfteraminuteIdecidethatI’msafeandpushthedooropen.
Lowe’sroomisasbeautifulandinterestingasmine,theaccentwallandbeamedceilingsettingasnug,mellowatmosphere.Ithaslessfurniture,though,andeventhoughLowemusthavebeenlivingherefarlongerthanme,Iseetwomovingboxesstackedinacorner,andacoupleofframedpaintingsleaningagainstthewall,waitingtobeputup.
ThesolesofmyfeetarecoldasIstepontheherringbonehardwoodfloors.IknowexactlywhatI’mlookingfor—aphone,alaptop,possiblyadiarytitled“ThatTimeIAbductedSerenaParis”withaneasilybreakablelock—butcan’thelpindulginginsomesnooping.Thereareseveralshelves,linedwithclassics,fiction,butmostlyartbooks,tallandthickandglossy,thepagesfullofbeautifulsculpturesandoddbuildingsandpaintingsI’veneverseenbefore.Thebathroomisspotlessallover,exceptforthecornerwhereaunicorntoothbrush,strawberrytoothpaste,andno-tearshampoohavebeenplaced.Hisclosetismartialinitsorderliness,everyshirtmonochrome,everypairofpantsneatlyfolded,alwayskhakisorjeans.Thesoleexceptionisthesuitheworeatourwedding.
Myhusband,Idiscover,wearssizefourteenshoes.
Isearchforelectronics,tonoavail.IreallydidnotneedtoknowthatLoweMorelandhatesclutter,thathe’simmunetotheinevitableaccumulationofuselesstrinketswe’reallsubjectto.Heownswhatheneeds,andallheneedsseemstobeonecharger,amillionpairsofinterchangeableboxerbriefs,andabottleofsilicone-basedlube.Ifinditinhisbedsidenightstand,pickitup,andimmediatelydropitlikeit’sanestofwasps.
Okay.Ididn’tneedtoknowthathe…Buthisladyisofffrolickingwithmypeople,and…okay.It’sperfectlynormal.I’mnotgoingtothinkaboutthisanylonger.
Startingnow.
Thereisonesinglepictureonthewall:ayoungerAnaandabeautifulmiddle-agedwomanwhosharesLowe’sdistinctivecoloringandsharpcheekbones.ThemoreIstudyit,themoreInoticethatasidefromtheeyes,Anadoesn’tlooklikehermotheratall,norlikeLowe.Iftheytakeaftertheirfather,theymusthavegrabbeddifferentthings.
Isearchunderthepillows,behindtheheadboard,inthedesk.Loweclearlydoesn’tkeepalaptopinthebedroom,andthisentirebreak-inisstartingtofeellikeauselessendeavor.I’vemostlygivenupwhenItrythebottomdrawerofthedresserandfinditshut.Hopegurgles.Irunbacktomyroomandretrievemyhairpin.
I’mnotsurewhatIexpectfromalockedcabinet—maybeVampyre-fangnecklaces,orextralubehegotwholesale,oradrawerfulofWi-FicardsaccompaniedbyaHallmarkgreetingcard(“Helpyourself,Misery!”).Notasetofpencilsandasketchpad.Ifrown,pickingitupandopeningit,gentlypullingthepagesaparttoavoidanyripping.
Initially,IthinkI’mlookingataphoto.That’showbeautifultheartis,howaccurateandpainstaking.ButthenInoticethesmudges,thelinesthatsometimesstretchalittletoolong,andno.Thisisadrawing—anarchitecturaldrawingofavault,flawlesslyexecuted.
Myheartthudslouder,butIcouldn’tsaywhy.Withtremblingfingers,Istartturningthepages.
Therearesketchesofrooms,offices,storefronts,piers,houses,bridges,stations.Largeandsmallbuildings,statues,domes,cabins.Somearejusttheoutside,whileothersincludeinsidelayoutsandfurniture.Somehavenumbersandvectorsscribbledinthemargins,otherscolorswoventhroughthem.Allofthemareperfect.
He’sanarchitect.
I’dforgotten.OrperhapsIneverhadaclearideaofwhatitmeant.Butlookingatthesedrawings,Ifeelitassomethingsolidandheavyinmystomach—theloveLowehasforbeautifulshapes,exquisiteplaces,interestingsights.
He’sonlyafewyearsolderthanme,butthisisnottheworkofsomeonewho’suntrained.Thereisexpertisehere,andpassion,andtalent,nottomentiontime,timethatIcannotimaginehehastodedicatetobeautyandprettydrawingsnowthathe’stheAlphaofhispack,and…
It’stoomuch.I’mthinkingaboutthis—abouthim—waytoohard.IshutthesketchpadtooforcefullyandplaceitbackwhereIfoundit.Itcausessomethingthatwasattheveryendofthenotebooktoslipout.
Aportrait.
MyhearthaltsasIscrambletoliftitup,expecting—no,sure—thatI’llfindSerena’ssmilingfaceonit.Thepoutylips,upturnedeyes,narrownose,andpointedchin;they’reallsofamiliartomethatIthinkitmustbeher,becausewhoelse’sfacewouldIknowsowell?ItcanonlybeSerena’s,or…
Mine.
LoweMorelandhasdrawnmyface,andthenstuffeditatthebottomofhisbottomdrawer.I’mnotsurewhenheobserveditlongenoughtopluckthislevelofdetailoutofme,theserious,detachedair,thetight-lippedexpression,thewispyhaircurlingaroundthecuspofanear.Here’swhatIdoknow:thereissomethingsharpaboutthedrawing.Somethingsearingandintenseandexpansivethat’ssimplynotthereintheothersketches.Force,andpower,andlotsoffeelingswereinvolvedinthemakingofthisportrait.Lots.AndIcan’timaginetheywerepositive.
Ifrown.Iswallow.Isigh.ThenIwhisper,“I’mnotafan,either,Lowe.Butyoudon’tseemedoodlingyouwithhornsinmydiary.”
Ifoldeverythingbackinthedrawer,makingsureit’sexactlyhowIfoundit.Onmywayout,Iletmyfingerstrailonthebookshelves,wonderingoncemorejusthowbadmynextyearwiththeWeresisgoingtoget.
ThefollowingdayIsleepuntillateafternoon.I’mtiredenoughthatIcouldgolonger,butthere’ssomethinggoingonoutside,ontheusuallycalmlakeshore.Itinvolvesscreaminglaughterandcharredsmells,andIdragmyselftothewindowtocheckitout,makingsuretoavoidthedirectlightstillfilteringin.
It’sabarbecue,orapotluck,oracookout—Ineverquitegotthedifference,despiteSerena’sexplanationsonthenuancesofHumansocialget-togethers.Vampyresdon’treallybuildcommunitythisway,byassemblingwithoutanagenda.Ourfriendshipsarealliances.Ididn’tencountertheconceptofhangingout,ofspendingtimewithsomeoneforthesakeofit,untilmyCollateralyears.
ButIcancountoverthirtyWeres.Hangingaroundthelakefront,grilling,eating,swimming.Laughing.Theloudestarethechildren:Ispotseveral,Anaamongthem,havingarollickinggoodtime.
IwonderwhetherI’minvitedtopartake.WhatthereactionwouldbeifImademywaydownstairs,wavedattheguests.IcouldborrowabikinifromJuno.Pourmyselfsomebloodontherocks,sitatatableintheshade,askmydinnercompanions,“So,howaboutthemfootballplayers?”
Theideahasmechuckling.Isettleonthewindowsill,stillinmypajamashortsandtheworntankIgotfromateam-buildingexerciseatworktwoyearsago,staringatthegathering.AndatLowe,whohasreturnedhome.
Myeyesareimmediatelydrawntohim.Maybebecausehe’s…well,big.MostWeresaretall,orathletic,orboth,butLowetakesitanotchfurther.Still,I’mnotpositivehislooksarewhatcenterhimsoinsistently.
Heis…notcharming,butmagnetic.Hisfulllipscurveintoasmallsmilewhilehechatswithsomepackmembers.Hisdarkbrowsfurrowashelistenstoothers.Thecornersofhiseyessplitintoawebofcrinkleswhenheplayswiththechildren.Heletsayounggirlbeathimatarmwrestling,gaspsinmockpainwhenanotherpretendstopunchhimonhisbiceps,shootsaboyintothedeepwatertohisunabasheddelight.
Heseemsbeloved.Accepted.Belonging,andIwonderwhatthatfeelslike.Iwonderifhemisseshispartner,ormate,orwhatever.Iwonderifhegetstodrawmuchthesedays,oriftheprettyhousesmostlystaylockedinhishead.
Hedefinitelydoesnotlooklikeheisjustrecoveringfrombeingill,butwhatdoIknow?I’mnopulmonologist.
I’mabouttopushmyselfoffthesillandstartmynightwhenIspothim.
Max.
He’sseparatefromtherestofthecrowd,ontheoutskirtsofthebeach,wherethesandfirstturnsintoshrubs,thenthickenswithforesttrees.Atfirstglance,Idon’tthinkmuchofit:unlikemostofthepartygoers,he’swearingalong-sleevedshirtandjeans,buthey.I’vebeenaself-consciousteenbefore,tryingtohidewithclothesthewayI’dshotupaboutsixinchesinthreemonths.Andmelanomaisevil,accordingtoSerena.
Butthenhegoesonhisknees.Beginstochatwithsomeonemuchshorterthanhim.Andmyentirebodystiffens.
Itellmyselfthatthere’snoreasontobescowlingthewayIam.MaxandImayhavehadourdifferences(Difference.One,ifmajor.),buthehaseveryrighttobeinteractingwithAna.ForallIknow,they’rerelated,andhe’sbeenbabysittinghersinceshewasindiapers.Notmybusiness,anyway.I’maveryunwantedguesthere,andIhavemydailyhourlongbathtotake.
Except.Somethingpullsmebacktothewindow.Idon’tlikeit.Thewayhe’stalkingtoAna,pointingatsomeplaceIcannotsee,someplacebetweenthetrees.Anashakesherhead—no.Butheseemstoinsist,and…
AmIbeingparanoid?Probably.Ana’sliteralbrotherisrightthere,afewdozenfeetaway,watchingher.
Butheisn’t.He’splayingsomethingwiththegingerbestman—Cal,hisnameisCal—andafewotherpeople.Bocce,ifIrecognizethegamefromSerena’sbowling-variantsperiod,andboy,doWeresandHumanshavethingsincommon.Fathermightberighttofearanalliancebetweenthem.Still,thisdoesn’tconcernme,and—
Max’shandtakesAna’s,pullinghertowardthewoods,andmybrainshort-circuits.Mick’sonduty,andIbargeoutofmyroombarefoot,meaningtowarnhim.Buthischairisempty,saveforausedplatewithsometracesofcoleslawonit
He’sprobablyintherestroom,andIconsiderlookingforhimthere.Thendecidethere’snotime.AcoupleofstrayneuralcellslurchawaketopointoutthatthisistheperfecttimeformetobreakintoLowe’sofficeandsearchforintelonSerena.Theremaining99percentofmybrain,sadly,isfocusedonAna.
God.Ihate,hate,hatethatIcare.
Idashdownthestairs,thenoutsideviathekitchen.Theheatcrashesintomelikeawave,slowingmedownasthesunlightstabsmyskinlikeamillionlittlesharkteeth.Fuck,ithurts.It’swaytoobrightformetobeout.
AcoupleofWeresseeme,butnoonenoticesme.Littlejaggedstonesdigpainfullyintothesolesofmyfeet,butIpowerthrough,headingfortheforest.BythetimeI’vereachedthewoods,myfleshisburning,I’mlimping,andI’vealmostlostmybalancetwice,courtesyofapileofsandbucketsandanarmfloatie.
ButIseeAna’sbrightblueswimsuitamidthegreen,thedarkgrayofMax’sshirt,andyell“Hey!”Iwadethroughthethickofthetrees.“Hey,stop!”
Maxkeepsonwalking,butAnaturns,seesme,andgrins,gap-toothedanddelighted.Herheartbeatissweetandhappy.“Miresy!”
“Notmyname,we’vebeenoverthis.Yo,Max?Whereareyoutakingher?”
Hemustrecognizemyvoice,becausehehalts.Andwhenhelooksatme,hisfaceispurehatred.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Ilivehere.”Fairlysurepineneedlesareburrowinginsidemyskin.Also,Imightbeinflames.“Whatareyoudoingwithasix-year-oldinthemiddleoftheforest?”
“Seven.”Anacorrectsmecheerfully,lettinggoofMax’shandandholdingupsixfingers,anddamnthischild.
“Ana,comewithme.”Iofferhermyhand,andshehappilytrotsmyway,armsopenasthoughshemeanstohugme—yikes.MyheartsinkswhenMaxscoopsherupandstartscarryingherintheoppositedirection.“Whatthehellareyou—”
That’swhenseveralthingshappenatonce.
Anathrashesaroundandscreams.
IchargeatMax,readytofreeher,readytotearhimtoshredswithmyfangs.
AndaboutadozenWeresjumpoutofthetreessurroundingus.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER8
Itwouldbeeasierifhedidn’tlikeherasaperson.
IsitaVampyrething,shovingyourpointylittlefangsintootherpeople’sbusinessandruiningtheirplans?OrisitmoreofaMiseryLarkpassionproject?”
I’vebeennursingmyabusedsolesonthelivingroomcouchforlessthanfiveminutes,butit’sthethirdtimeavariationofthisquestionhasbeenaskedofme.SoIkeepmyheadbentdownandignoreLowe’ssecond—theonewholookslikeaKendoll—asIpluckanassortmentofdetritusfrommytoe.Ineedtweezers,butIdidn’tbringanywithme.DoWeresusethem?Astheoriginalfurries,dotheyfindthemmorallyrepugnant?Maybetheyholdbodyhairsacred,andanythreattoitsrightfuldwellingonthefleshisconsideredblasphemous.
Foodforthought.
“Letmego,”Maxwhines.Likeme,he’ssittingonacouch.Unlikeme,hishandsaretiedbehindhisback,andhe’sbeingwatchedbyseveralguardswiththekindoficytreatmentonewouldreserveforsomeonewhotriedtokidnapachild.
WhichisexactlywhatMaxdid.
“Youcanstopasking,”Caltellshimmildly.“Becauseitain’tgoingtohappen.”OutofalltheWeresinhere,it’sclearthatheandKenDollarethehighestranking.Theyalsoappeartohaveabadcop,evenworsecopthinggoingon.Calisaffablyscary,Kenissnarkilyterrifying.Whateverworksforthem,Iguess.
“Iwanttoseemymother,”Maxre-whines.
“Doyou,champ?Areyousure?Becauseyourmotherisoutthere,humiliatedbywhatyoujustdidandthecompanyyou’vebeenkeeping.”
“Idunno,Cal.”Kenfixeshisbaseballcap.“Maybeweshouldturnhimovertohismother.”Heleansforward.“I’dlovetoseehisfacewhenshedeclawshim.”
Maxgrowls,butitturnsintoawhimperwhenhisAlphacomesin,JunoandMickintow.ImouthabashfulSosorrytoMick,worriedthathe’llgetintroublefortakingapissandleavingmealoneforaminute.Hewaveshishandatme,andtheentireroomdropsintosilence,everyonefocusingonLowelikehispresenceisagravitationalpull.EvenIcannotlookanywhereelse,andabandonmytoetoitsinfecteddestiny.Lowelookssostone-coldpissed,Ishiver.ThoughitcouldbetheblastoftheAConmyblisteringflesh.
“IsAnaokay?”Gemmaasks.
Lowenods.“PlayingwithMisha.”Handsonhiships,hesurveystheroom.Everypairofeyesisinstantlydowncast.
Exceptformine.
“Whowantstotellmewhatthefuckjusthappened?”heasks,staringatme.Iexpecteveryonetoexplodeintorushedexplanations,butWeredisciplineisbetterthanthat.Aheavysilencestretches,brokenonlybyLowecomingtostandinfrontofme.I’mreadytosaymyfinalwords,butallhedoesistakeoffhiszip-uphoodie,wrapitaroundmyshudderyshoulders,thenadmiretheresultforabeattoolong.
Everyone’seyesarestillontheground.
“Cal,”hesays.It’sembarrassing,thesenseofreliefIfeelatnotbeingcalledon.
“Everythingwasgoingaccordingtoplan,”Calstarts.“Asexpected,MaxwastryingtolureAnaaway.Weweretailinghimtoseewhohewouldrendezvouswith,when…”
Heturnstome,andsuddenlyIamthecenteroftheroom.Myreliefwaspremature.
“I’msorry.”Iswallow.“Ihadnoideathiswassomekindofcahootyambushyplan.IfIseeaguywho’sbeenatotaldicktomeabscondingwithachild,it’sonlynaturalformeto…”Towhat?WhydidIintervene,again?Nowthattheadrenalinehasdriedup,Icannotrecallwhatmyreasoningwas.I’mnohero,nordoIwanttobe.
KenDollsnorts.“Wereyouwatchingusfromthewindow?”
“Imean…yeah?”
“Creepy.Youneedahobby.”
“You’reright.I’veheardamazingthingsaboutparagliding,orcompetitiveduckherding.MaybeIcould—oh,wait.IforgotthatI’mliterallystuckinaone-hundred-and-thirty-square-footbedroomtwenty-fourseven.”
“Readabook,pointy.”
“Enough.”LowestalksacrosstheroomtocrouchinfrontofMax,whoinstantlytriestoscrambleaway.Histoneisfirmbutsurprisinglygentlewhenheasks,“WherewereyougoingtotakeAna?”Maxdoesn’treply,sohecontinues,“Youarefifteen,andI’mnotgoingtopunishyoulikeanadult.Idon’tknowwhoyougotmixedupwith,orhow,butIcanhelpyou.Iwillprotectyou.”
SweattricklesdownMax’stemples.He’smuchyoungerthanIthought.“You’rejustgoingtogetridofme.IfItellyou,you—”
“Idonothurtmyown,especiallynotchildren,”Lowegrowls.“IamnotRoscoe.”
“No.”Max’seyesflicktome.“He’dneverhavemadeallianceswiththeVampyresortheHumans,wouldneverhavetakenoneinandlefthertokilltheWeres—”
“You’reright.RoscoelikedtokilltheWeresonhisown.”Maxlowershiseyes.He’sjustaboy.“IsanalliancewiththeVampyresreallyworsethanmoreWeredeathsattheirhands?”
Maxseemstograpplewiththequestion,Adam’sapplebobbing.Thenheremembershisrage,andspurtsout,“You’renottherightfulAlpha.”
It’sclearlyabigfauxpas.BecauseeveryotherWereintheroomtakesastepforwardtointervene—andthenstopsatonceatLowe’sliftedhand.
“Whotoldyouthat?”heasks.Menacing,ruthless.“Maybeit’safairmistake.Maybetheysimplyweren’ttherewhenRoscoelostthechallengetome.IsentamessagetotheLoyals,letthemknowthatI’dgladlyacceptthechallengefromanyofthem.Andyet.”Lowestands.“Dissentanddiscussionarewelcome.I’mnotRoscoe,andIwon’tdisposeofthosewhodisagreewithme.Buttryingtotakeachild,sabotageimportantinfrastructure,brutallyattackhuddleswhosupportme…Thisisviolentinsurgence.AndaslongasI’mAlphaofthispack,I’mnotgoingtoacceptit.Whosentyouhere,Max?”
Heshakeshishead.“Idon’tknow.”
“Didyouforget?”KenDollcomestostandnexttoLowe.Maxrecoils.“Wehavewaysofmakingyouremember.”
“He’sbarelymorethanachild,though,”Calpointsout.
“HechosetoworkwiththeLoyals,”Kensays,crackinghisknuckles.
Cal,tomyshock,shrugs.“Isupposeyou’reright.”He,too,crackshisknuckles.
IsearchLowe’sfaceforasignthathe’snotgoingtolethisminions…Idon’tknow,waterboardaboy.Hisexpressionisdetached,happytodelegate.NotwhatI’dexpectfromsomeonewho’splanningondeescalatingthis.
“Wait!”Iyell.Todaymustbeaparticularlynosydayforme.“Don’thurthim.Icanhelpyou.”
Allheadswhiparoundtome,withvaryingdegreesofannoyance.“Ithinkyou’vedoneenough,leech,”Kensays.
Irollmyeyes.“Firstofall,IgrewupamongtheHumans,andleech,parasite,sanguisuge,bloodsponge,tick,sucker,batbitch—they’renotthegroundbreakinginsultsyouthinktheyare.”Vampyresdodrinkbloodtosurvive,andwe’renotshyaboutit.“IcanfindoutwhosentMax.Withoutnailpullingorwhateveryou’replanning.”
“Idunno,”Calsays.“Hedeservessomeharm.”
ButMaxisshakinglikealeaf.AndImustnotbethesadistIfanciedmyself.“Please,”IpleadtoLowe,tuningouttherestoftheroom.“Icanhelp.”
“How?”He,forone,seemsmorecuriousthanirritated.
“It’seasierdonethansaid.Here.”IstandandbrushpasthimtogotoMax.Hestopsmewithhisfingersonmywrist.WhenIcranemyneckuptohim,startled,he’slookingstraightahead.“Why?”heasks,withoutmeetingmyeyes.Hisvoiceislow,meantonlyforme.
I’mnotquitesurewhathewantstoknow,soIgoforwhatfeelsright.“Anahasbeenvisiting,”Isay,matchinghistone.“Shekeepsmecompany,andeventhoughshe’sterribleatpronouncingmynameandclearlydoesn’tknowwhethershe’ssixorseven…”Iswallow.“I’drathershedoesn’tget,youknow.Kidnappedandtrafficked.”
Hefinallylooksdownatme.Scansmyfaceforseverallongmoments,andwhateverhisinspectionisabout,Imustpassmuster.Henodsandletsgoofme.Idon’tmove.
“Actually,couldyouhelpme?I’mnotsupergoodatthis.”Hisbrowsfurrow,andIhastentoadd,“Butgoodenough.”
Ithink?I’veonlydonethiswithSerena,whoinsistedIfostermysingleusefulVampyretraitandpracticeonher.She’dhavemeputherunderanduseoursharedcellphonetofilmvideosofhermakingoutwithacabbage;recitingthePledgeofAllegiancewithaGermanaccent;confessingtoanentireseriesofdirtydreamswithMr.Lumiere,ourFrenchtutor,astherecurringgueststar.
Hopefully,Irememberhowto.
IkneelinfrontofMax,ignoringhisnauseating,fear-drenchedheartbeat,thewayhehissesatmetogetaway.“Dude,I’mtryingtohelpyouavoidanironchair,orhoweveritisthatyourpeopleextractinformation,so—”
Somethingwetlandsonthefrontofmytanktop.
BecauseMaxspitonme.
“Ew.”Igasp,disgusted,butbeforeIcan—Idon’tknow,spitback?—Lowe’shandpressesagainstMax’schestandpinshimtothecouch.
“Whatthefuckdidyoujustdo?”hegrunts.
“She’saVampyre!”
“She’smy—”Lowe’shandjerksuptoclutchMax’sjaw.“Apologizetomywife.”
“Sorry.Sorry.Pleasedon’t—I’msorry.”Maxstartssobbing.
Loweturnstome.“Doyouaccept?”
“Accept…thespit?”
“Hisapology.”
“Oh.”OhmyGod.Whatishappening?“Sure,whynot?Itwasso…sincereandspontaneous.Just,holdhisheadstill,anddon’tlethimmove—yes,handsonthechin.Okay,thiswilltakeasecond,don’tlethimwiggleaway.”
IstartwithmythumbatthebaseofMax’snose,andmyindexandforefingersonhisforehead.ThenIwaitforMaxtocalmdownandmeetmyeyes.
Atthefourthattempt,Igetalock.Max’sbrainissoft,andoveragitated,andeasytosinkinto.Istitchhismindtomineandthenscrambleitalittle—atemporaryinterference.Idon’tstopuntilI’mextrasurethatmyholdonhimistight,andwhenIpullback,hisbodyrelaxesatonce,pupilssuddenlyblownwider.Behindme,Ihearsomemurmursandasoft“Whatthefuck?”butit’seasytopushitout,justaseasyasitistoletmyeyesdowhatthey’resupposedto.
Forthethrall.
Humanssaythatwehavemagicalmind-controlpowers.Thatoursoulscanbody-snatchtheirsandtiethemuplikeaThanksgivingturkey.Muchlikeeverythingelse,though,it’ssimplebiology.Anadditionalintraocularmusclethatallowsustoshiftoureyesathighspeedandinduceahypnoticstate.Vampyreswhoaretalentedthrallers,likemyfather,candoitwithouttouchingtheirvictimatall,andmuchmorequickly.Buttheyarerare,andforthemediocreoneslikeme,whoneedsomeonetoberestrainedtoinitiateathrall,itcanbeanunwieldypractice.
Therearesomecaveats,too.Thethrallonlyworksonotherspecies,andnoteverybrainisequallyresponsive.And,ofcourse,enteringpeople’smindswithoutconsentisanactofviolence,anddeeplyunethical.Justbecausewecan,itdoesn’tmeanthatweshould.ButMaxdidtrytohurtAna,andhemightdoitagain.Plus,mymoralsarejustnotthatsolid.
“Okay.”Ileanback,vigorouslyrubbingmyeyes.Thethrallrequiresalotofenergy.“He’sallyours.”
Everyonestaresatmeopen-mouthed.Andmymindmightbeplayingtricks,butI’malmostpositivethatthey’vealltakenastepbackfromme.
ExceptforLowe,who’salmosttooclose.
“Youguysmightwannahurry.Thiswillonlylasttenminutesorso.”IpointatMax’sstateofunresponsivestupor.“Hewon’tjustword-saladhislifestoryatyou.Youneedtogoaheadandaskhimquestions.”Noonespeaks.DidIaccidentallythrallthem,too?“Somethinglike,‘WhywereyoutryingtotakeAna,Max?’?”
“IwastaskedtotakehertotheLoyals,whereshecouldbeusedasleverage,toforceLowetostepdownasAlpha,”herecitestonelessly.
Theroomexplodesinaflurryofpanicky,suspiciousmuttersthathavenothingtodowithMax’sanswer.Infact,I’mprettysureIcatcha“Microwavedhisbrain.”
“Thethrall,”Lowemurmurs.
“Yup.That’sit.Nodeep-fryinginvolved.”Istandandgrimaceatthespitonmyshirt.It’sstartingtoseepthrough—gross.
“Ithoughtitwasamyth,”Calwhispers.“Thatoureldersusedtoscareus.”
Icanrelate,sinceIgrewupfairlysurethatifImisbehaved,aWerewouldcrawlupthetoilettoeatmyass.“It’snot.I’mnotreallygoodatthis,actually.”ItseemsbestnottodisclosewhatsomeonelikeFathercoulddo.
“Youlookplentygoodtome,”Calsays.Heactuallysoundsadmiring,whileKenisglaringsuspiciously,andMickfrowns,andGemmashakesherhead,andsomeotherWeresexchangelooks,andJunoseems,asever,worriedandangry,andLowe
I’vegivenuponunderstandingLowe.
“Howdoweknowyou’renotplantingliesinhishead?”Kenasks.
Ishrug.“AskhimsomethingIwouldn’tknow.”
“WhathappenedwhenyouaskedMaryLakesoutforadate?”Junosays.
“Shesaidno,”Maxdrones.
“Why?”
“BecauseIhadahugeblobofsnotcomingoutofmynose.”
It’sfunny,butnoonelaughs.Thegroupseemstohavegottenovertheinitialincredulity,andCalstartsgrillingMax.“DidRoscoe’smatesendyoutotakeAna?”
“Ibelieveso,eventhoughIdidnottalktoEmerydirectly.”
Calshakeshishead.“Offuckingcourse.”
“Stop.”Loweinterrupts,andtheroomfallssilentagain.Heturnstome.Mybreathcatchesashisarmreachesinsidethehoodieheputonme.Hispalmbrieflyfitsonmywaist,thenmovesnorthtobrushagainstmybreast,andohmyGod,what—
Heslideshisphoneoutoftheinsidepocketandpullsback.
Mycheeksareonfire.
“Takehertoherroom,thencomeback,”heordersMick.ToJuno:“CheckonAna,please.”
I’mescortedout.Imustreallybeatmymostbusybody,becauseI’mtemptedtoaskifIcanstay.FigureoutwhatthisstrangewarwithintheWerescouldbeabout.InsteadImeeklyfollowMickupthestairs.
“IhopeIdidn’tgetyouintrouble,”Itellhim,“butIsawMaxtakeAna,andIknowyouguysdon’tbelieveme,buthe’dattackedme,so—”
“Noonedoubtedyou,”hesayskindly.
Ilookathim.“Lowesuredid.”
“LoweknewMaxhadattackedyoufirst.Heisverygoodatsmellinglies.”
“Oh.Asin…literallysmelling?”
Micknodsbutdoesn’telaborate.“HeknewMaxwasuptosomething,knewithadtodowithAna,andwantedtogetasmuchinformationashecouldoutofhim.It’satightropetowalk,forLowe.Hewon’tgoaboutinterrogatingeverypersonhedoesn’tlike,orhe’llbethesameasRoscoewastowardtheend.ButtheLoyalshavebeenhurtingtheirown,andtheymustbestopped.”
“HesureseemedreadytolettheotherstortureMax.”
“Thatwasashow,meanttoscareMax.Anditwouldhaveworked,wecouldallsmellit.Butyoudidmakeiteasierwithyour…”Hesmilesandgesturesatmyeyes.“Justpromiseyouwon’tdoittome,okay?Youwerescaryinthere.”
“Iwouldnever.You’remymostbelovedjailer.”Ismile,close-lippedandfangless.“Besides,I’mtheonewhoshouldbescared.”
“Why?”
Ipointtothescaronhisneck.Therowofteethmarkinghiscollarbone.“You’retheonerollinginherewiththat,likeyourfavoritepastimeisgettingintofights.”Icockmyhead.“IsthathowyouturnedintoaWere?”
Hiseyebrowquirks.“We’realegitimatespecies,notaninfectiousdisease.”
“JustmakingsurethatifsomeonebitesmeIwon’tturnintoyou.”
“Ifyoubitsomeone,woulditturnthemintoaVampyre?”
Ithinkaboutitforamoment.“Touché.”
Helaughssoftlyandshakeshishead,suddenlywistful.“Thisismymate’sbite.”
Mate.Theword,again.
“Dotheyhaveone,too?Yourmate.”
“Yes,ofcourse.”
“HaveImetthem?”
Helooksaway.“She’snotwithusanymore.”
“Oh.”Iswallow,unsurewhattosay.Ihopeitwasn’toneofmypeoplewhodidit.“I’msorry.Itsoundslikematesareabigdeal.”
Henods.“Matingbondsarethecoreofeverypack.ButIdon’tthinkit’swiseformetodiscussWerecustomswithyou.”Hegivesmealookthatmanagestobechidingandsoftallatonce.“Especiallyifyou’rechattingwithyourbrotherinalanguagenooneelsespeaks.”
Oh,shit.“It’snot…Ijustmissedhome.Wantedtohearsomethingfamiliar.”
“Didyou?”Wecometoahaltinfrontofmydoor.Mickopensit,andgesturesformetostepinside.“Howcurious.Youdon’tstrikemeasthetypewhoeverhadahome.”
Ilethiswordschurnaroundmeforseveralminutesafterheleaves,wonderingwhetherhe’sright.Whentheygrindtoastop,Iknowheisn’t:Ididhaveahome,andhernamewasSerena.
IchangemytopintoonelesssmearedwithMax’sDNAandsilentlyslipoutofmyroom.Witheveryonedistractedbythecommotion,breakingintoLowe’sofficeisalmostsuspiciouslyeasy.Thereareplentyofwaystohackintoacomputer,fewofwhichareatmydisposal.Fortunately,Ihaveenoughexperiencewithbrute-forcetechniquestobeoptimistic.
Thesunissetting,butIdon’tturnonthelights.Lowe’sdeskisgivenawaybyAna’sgrinningpicture.Itiptoethere,kneelinfrontofthekeyboard,andstartmessingaround.
Thisisnotmybreadandbutter,butit’srelativelysimpleandnottootime-consuming.It’sclearthattheWeresdon’texpectintrusionsfromwithin,andthemachineismostlyunprotected.Itonlytakesmeafewminutestoforcemywayintotheirdatabase,andahandfulmoretosetupthreeparallelsearches:SerenaParis,thedateshedisappeared,andTheHerald,incasemysuspicionsareright,andLowewaspartofsomestoryshemeanttocover.It’sjustastart,butIhopethatifshewasmentionedonanycommunicationdevicethat’sautomaticallybackedupon—
Somethingsoftrubsagainstmycalf.
“Notnow,”Imurmur,distractedlyswattingSerena’sdamnfuckingcataway.Theterminalstartstopopulatewithhits.Istrokeafewkeystomaximize.Sofar,nottoopromising.
Thecat’swetnosepressesagainstmythigh.“I’mbusy,Sparklesorwhatever.GoplaywithAna.”
Hestartspurring.No,growling.Frankly,it’salevelofentitlementthatpissesmeoff.“Itoldyouto—”Iglancedownandinstantlyscrambleback,nearlyfallingonmyass.
Inthedimlightofdusk,theyelloweyesofagraywolfstareangrilyatme.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER9
Anainterruptsherbedtimestorytocommunicatetohimimportant,time-sensitiveinformation:“Miresyissososoooopretty.Ilooooveherears.”
Hepresseshislipstogetherbeforeresuminghisreading.
AmongtheVampyres,fangsarenotjustteeth—theyarestatus.
TakemusclesinHumans:Wasthereatime,abunchofmillenniaago,inwhichhavingamatewithinflated,bouncybicepsmeantmoreprotectionfrom…thedinosaurs?I’mnohistorybuff;Ithrivedinmathandzeroothersubjects.Thepointis,athleticprowessprovidedanevolutionaryadvantagethat’snow,inanerainwhichatomicbombsexist,fairlyobsolete.Andyet,Humansstillfinditattractive.
CaninesaremuchthesameforVampyres:they’reconsideredasymbolofstrengthandpower,becauseintheoldendayswe’dhuntourpreyandsinkourteethintotheirfleshtofeastontheirblood.Thelonger,thesharper,thebigger—thebetter.
Andthiswolf’s…Thiswolf’sfangscouldwincontests.Rulecivilizations.Gettheirownerengaged,married,andverymuchlaidatanyVampyreparty.AndtheycouldshredmeintoM&M’s.
“Areyouanactualwolf?”Iask,fightingtokeepmyvoicesteady.“OrareyouaWerewhopart-times?”
Theonlyreplyisadeep,long,panties-shittinggrowl
“WoulditmakethingsbetterorworseifIgrowledback?”
“Wouldn’tchangeiteitherway,”avoicesaysfromtheentrance.
Lowe.Leaningagainsttheframe,relaxedlikealoungewearmodelduringaphotoshoot.
“Thankyou,Cal,”hesays,comingmyway.“Thatwillbeall.”
Andmagically,withonelasthalf-heartedsnarlinmydirection,thewolfshakesitsbeautifulgrayfurandtrotsaway.ItstopsbyLoweandbuttsitsheadagainsthisthigh.
“Cal?Asin…”HeturnstomeandIstareathisface,lookingforsimilarities.I’dhaveexpectedconsistencybetweenWeres’shiftedandhumanforms,butCal’saredhead.Icranemynecktogetabetterlookatthewolf,butLowestepsinfrontofme,blockingmyview.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoing,wife?”Hesoundslikeavolatilemixoftiredandirritated.AnythoughtofWerephenotypesinstantlydeparts.
Ijustgotcaught.Doingsomethingverybad.AndI’minrealdanger.
“Justlookingfor…”What?“Stickynotes.”
“DoVampyreskeepstickynotesinsidetheircomputers?”
Fuck.“Iwastryingtocheckmyemail.”Iswallow.“Getintouchwithfriends.”
“Youdon’thavefriends,Misery.”
I’mnotsurewhythishurtswhenit’strue.
“AndI’mverymuchnotanITperson,butthat”—hepointsatmycode,whichisstillcrunchingalong—“doesnotlooklikeYahoo.”
“Yahoo?Lowe,you’rereallydatingyourselfhere.”
“Comein,”heorders,andIcannotcomprehendhowIdidn’tnoticeAlexidlingbythedoor.Toobusycontemplatingmyimminentdemise,probably.“Canyoufigureoutwhatshewasdoing?”
“Onit.”
Iscrunchmyeyesshut,runningpossiblescenariosinmyhead.IcouldkneeLoweinthegroinandtrytorunaway,butIdon’tknowifthecrotchareaisassensitivetothemasitistous,andanyway…therearewolvesprowlingaround.“Yousetmeup,”Isay.Itcomesoutwhiny,whichisexactlyhowIfeel.“YouaskedMicktoleaverightinfrontofmebecauseyouknewI’dtakeadvantageofit.”
“Misery.”Hecluckshistongue,chiding,andmovescloser,likeheknowsI’mconsideringdartingaway.Hisheartbeatenvelopsme,steady,determined.“Yousetyourselfup,becauseyou’rebadatthis.”
“Atwhat?”
“Snoopingaround.”
“Iwasn’t—”
“Whydidyougotomyroom?Whydidyoulookthroughmyclosetandmydrawers?”Heleansforward.Hisvoicedropstoahalfwhisper,meantonlyformyears.There’ssomethingtorturedtoit,likehe’sinphysicalpain.“Whydidmybedsmelllikeyousleptinit?”
Ithadn’tevenoccurredtomethatI’dleavemyscentbehind.ThatLowewouldfindmysmellstucktoeverysurfaceofhisroom.
Fuck.
“Sorry,”Ibreatheout.
“Youshouldbe,”hesaystotheairbetweenourlips.Iwonderifmyhearthaseverbeatenthisloudbefore.Thisclosetothesurfaceofmyskin.
“She—veryastutely,Imustsay,andwithonlyveryprimitivetoolsatherdisposal—hackedintoourservers,”Alexannounces.Alittleadmiringly,whichisflattering.
“AreyoutheonewhobuilttheWeres’firewall?”Iask.
“Yup.I’mtheleaderofoursecurityteam.”Hesoundsdistractedashecombsthroughmycode.Whateverfearhehadwhenwewerealonedoesn’tholdifhisAlpha’spresent.
“Nicejob.”Weird,howI’mhavingaconversationwithAlexbutstaringupintoLowe’seyes.Aboutaninchfrommine.“It’sprettyimpenetrable.”
“Thankyou.Areyou,byanychance,thesamepersonwhotriedtosmashitdownafewweeksago?”
Iswallow.Lowe’seyesdriftdowntomythroat.Lingerthere.“Can’tremember.”
“Alpha,shewasrunningasearchofourdatabases…threesearches,tobeprecise.Oneforadatealittleovertwomonthsago,oneforTheHerald—alocalhumannewspaper,Ibelieve—andoneforsomeonecalledSerena.SerenaParis.”
Awaveofdreadsweepsoverme.Thereisnoairintheworldleftformylungs.
“Andwhowouldthatbe?”Lowemurmurs,lickinghislips.Heinhalesmedeeply,purposefully.“Howinteresting.InthepastweekI’vewitnessedtwoattemptsonyourlife,andyou’veneversmelledasscaredasyoudojustnow.Why,Vampyre?”Hisstarkfaceisallsharplines,sculptedbytheglowinglightsofthemonitor.Hislipsmove,fullandruthless.Icannotlookaway.“WhoisSerenaParis,Misery?”
Hesoundssincerelycurious,andIwonderifmaybehehasnothingtodowithherdisappearance.Butmaybehedoes.Maybehe’spretending.Maybehedidn’tknowhernamebuthurtheranyway.
Ipushagainsthischest.It’sliketryingtomoveanarmyofmountains.“Letmego.”
“Misery.”Hiseyesboreintomine.“YouknowI’mnotgoingtodothat.Alex,”hesays,louderthistime,stilllookingonlyatme.“BringbackCal.Itlookslikewe’regoingtohavetoextractGabiandbreakthearmisticewiththeVampyres.”
Ioverhearahushed“Yes,Alpha.”BootsleavetheroomasIsputter:
“What?”
“IhavetoconsiderthisasanactofaggressiononbehalfofyourfatherandtherestoftheVampyrecouncil.TheysentaplantintoWereterritoryundertheguiseofCollateral.”Hisjawhardens.“Andyourscent—theytamperedwithit,didn’tthey?Theyknewitwoulddistractme—”
“No.”I’mcrowded.Breathless.“Thishasnothingtodowithmyfather.”
“Whowereyouplanningtosendthisinformationto?”
“Noone!AskAlextocheck.Ididn’tsetupanytransmissions.”
Heshiftscloser.Icanalmosttastehisbloodonmytongue.“Alexisn’thereanymore.”
Iknewwewerealone,butnowIfeelit,justasIfeelhiswarmthseepingthroughme.Theheathasapredictableeffect:mystomachtwistsandtightens.Hunger.Cravings.“Itoldyou,Iwasjustmessingaround.”
“Thisisnotagame,Misery.”Theyvibratethroughmybones,hiswords.“Thisallianceisnewandfrail,and—”
“Stopit.Juststopit.”Ipressmyhandsagainsthischest,beggingforsomespace,becauseI’m—myheadisspinning,fullofwarm,heated,oddthoughts,thoughtsthatinvolveveinsandnecksandtaste.“Please.Please,don’tdoanything.Thishasnothingtodowiththealliance.”
“Okay.”Hemovesastepback,palmsstillleaningagainstthewalloneachsideofmyhead,andit’sarelief.Hisbloodwasstartingtosmellreallygood,and—
Nothinglikethathaseverhappenedtome.Imusthaveforgottentofeed.
“Okay,”herepeats,“hereareyouroptions.First,youtellmewhoSerenaParisisandgivemeareasonableexplanationforthisverypoorlyexecutedcloak-and-daggerquest.Whathappenstoyounextismychoice.Second,IproceedwiththeassumptionyouareaspygatheringintelontheWeresanduseyourcorpsetosendaclearmessagetoyourfather.”
“Serenawasmyfriend,”Iblurtout.“Mysister.”
Lowe’sentirebodytenses.Likehehadsomeguesses,butmyanswerwasnotamongthem.“AVampyre,then.”
Ishakemyhead.“Human.Butwegrewuptogether.InmyfirstfewmonthsastheCollateral,Iwasdisruptive.Andsad.Itriedtorunaway,putmyselfindangeroussituations,onceIeven…ItwasjustmeandtheHumancaregivers,andtheyhatedme.SotheHumansdecidedthatthecompanyofanotherchildmightmakememorewell-behaved.Theyfoundanorphanmyageandbroughtherintolivewithme.”
Hehuffs,bitter,andI’mafraidhemightnotbelieveme.Butthenhesays,calmandyetnot:“FuckingHumans.”
Iswallow.“Theydidtheirbest.Atleasttheytried.”
“Notenough.”It’sadefinitekindofjudgment.WhichIdon’tcaretoarguewith.
“Serenaisgone.Shevanishedafewweeksago,and—”
“YouthinkaWeretookher?”
Inod.
“Who?”
Ihavenochoicebuttotellhimthetruth.Andifhehasanythingtodowithherdisappearance…He’llhavesomethingtodowithmine,too.“You.”
Heseemsunsurprised.“Whyme?”
“Youtellme.”Iliftmychin.“Yournamewasinherplanner,onthedayshedisappeared.Maybeshemadeplanstomeetyou.Maybeyouwerepartofastoryshewaswriting.Idon’tknow.”
“Astory?Ah,that’swhyTheHerald.Shewasajournalist.”It’snotaquestion,butInod.
Finally,Lowepullsback.Heremainsbetweenmeandthedoor,butherubshishandsacrossthestubbleonhisjaw,frowningsomewhereinthedistance,instantlypreoccupied.Tryingtorecall.Ifhe’sfakingtheconfusion,he’sagoodactor.AndIcannotbegintoguesswhyhe’dlietome.I’mstuckhereforthenextyear,withlimitedandhighlysupervisedwaystocommunicatewiththeoutsideworld.HecouldadmittorunningfivedrugcartelsandhijackingAirForceOne,andI’dhavenowaytowarnanyone.
“It’sahugegamble.”Hesearchesmyface,pensive.Alittlelikehe’sseeingmeforthefirsttime.“GivingyourselfasCollateral.Marryingme.Allbecausesomeonewrotemynameinherplanner.”
Ibitemylowerlip.Mystomachsinksattheideathathemightreallynotknowanything.Myonlytrail,leadingtoaravine.“Mybestfriend,mysister,isgone.AndnoonewilllookforherifIdon’t.Andtheonlythingsheleftbehind,theonlyclueIhaveisaname,yourname,L.E.Moreland—”
“Lowe!”Thedoorburstsopen.IexpectAlex,orCal,oranentirepackofrabidwolvescomingtobutcherme.Notaplaintive,“Wherewereyou?”followedbythesoftshuffleofsockedstepsonthehardwoodfloor.
I’minstantlyforgotten.LowedropstohiskneestogreetAna,andwhenshewrapsherslimarmsaroundhisneck,hislargehandcomesuptocradleherhead.“IwastalkingtoMisery.”
Shewavesupatme.“Hi,Miresy.”
Mythroatfeelsfull.“Mynameisnotthathardtopronounce,”Imumble,butsheseemstorevelinmyglare.Andtobeinhighspirits,despiteherattemptedkidnapping.Iapplaudherresilience,butwow,children.They’retrulyunfathomable.
“Willyoureadmeastorybeforebed?”sheasksLowe.
“Ofcourse,love.”Hepushesastrandofstill-wethairbehindherear.“Gobrushyourteeth,I’ll—”
“Ana,wheredidyougo?”Juno’svoicedriftsinfromthehallway,harried,outofbreath.“Ana!”
“DidyourunawayfromJuno?”Lowewhispers.
Ananods,mischievous.
“Thenyoubetterhurrybacktoher.”
Shepouts.“ButIwantto—”
“LilianaEstherMoreland!Comehereatonce,it’sanorder!”
AnastampsakissonLowe’scheek,mutterssomethingdelightedabouthowpricklyitis,andthenslipsoutinaflurryofblueandpinkfabric.Myeyesstaywithher,andthenontheajardoor,longaftershedisappears.
Dizzy.
Ifeeldizzy.
“Misery?”
IturntoLowe.“Ana…?”Iswallow.Because,no.That’snottherightquestion.Instead:“Liliana?”
Henods.
“Esther.”L.E.Moreland.“Ididn’t…Ihadnoidea.”
Lowenodsagain,eyessomber.“Misery.YouandIneedtotalk.”
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER10
Heisnotreckless,ornegligent,orquicktotrust.Butherecognizesaformidableallywhenheseesone.
Manyroomsinthehousewouldbeperfectlyadequateforadiscreetconversation,butwefindourselvessittingatthekitchentable,amugofblackcoffeeinfrontofLowe,steadilysteamingasthesunoutsidestrugglestorise.
Mynightwassleepless,likemost.His,too,goingbythedarkshadowsunderhiseyes.Hisfaceisetched,ascarvinglybeautifulasusual.Hehasn’tshavedinawhile,andit’sclearthathecouldusesomerestandatwo-weekstretchwithoutacoup.
Ihavethesneakingsuspicionhe’snotgoingtogeteither.
“Icouldn’tfigureoutwhyyou’daccepted,”hetellsmebetweensips,almostconversationally.Everyotherinteractionwe’vehadhasbeenfraughtwithtension,ontheheelsofhimcatchingmeincompromisingsituations.Now…We’renotfastfriends,butIwonderifthisisLowewhenhisenergiesarenotfullyfocusedontryingtoprotecthispack.Asteady,reassuring,bulkypresence.Hismoutheventwitchedintoanalmostsmilewhenhesawmemakemywaydownthestairs,ashegesturedformetotakeaseatacrossfromhim.“Whyyou’ddoitagain.”
“YouthoughtIhadamartyrdomcomplex?”Ihugmylegstomychest,watchinghislipsastheyclosearoundtherimofhismug.“IhavenoallegiancetotheVampyres.OrtheHumans,withasingleexception.AndI’mgoingtofindher.”
Hesetsthemugonthetable,andasks,bluntly:“You’resuresheisalive?”
“Ihopesheis.”Myhearttwists.“Ifsheisn’t,Istillneedtoknowwhathappenedtoher.”IfIdon’t,nooneelsewillthinkofheragain.Nooneelsewillevenknowhernameasidefromahandfuloforphanswhobulliedherforbeingcross-eyed,colleagueswhonevergothersenseofhumor,peopleshedatedbutfelttepidabout.It’snotacceptable.“She’ddothesameforme.”
Lowenodswithouthesitation.Loyalty,Isuspect,isapainfullyfamiliarconcepttohim.“Doyouknowwhatarticleshewaswriting?WhatpromptedherinterestinAna?”
“No.Sheusuallytalkedaboutthestoriesshewasworkingon,atleastinpassing.Andshecoveredfinancialstuff.”
“Crimes?”
“Sometimes.Mostlymarketanalysis.Herdegreewasineconomics.”
Lowetapshisfingerontheedgeofthetable,mulling.“AnythingonWere-Human,orVampyre-Humanrelationships?”
“She’dgrownupastheCollateral’sbabycompanion.Shewasn’ttouchingthatshitwithaten-footpole.”
“Smart.”Hestands,goestotheno-bloodfridge.Hisbroadshouldersshrinkthekitchenashegathersafewitemsthathecarriesbacktothetable.Ajarofpeanutbutterthathasmymostnefariousinterestsperkup.Slicedbread.Somekindofberryjellythatjuststumpsme.
Serenalovedberries,andItriedmemorizingtheirnames,butthey’resocounterintuitive.Blueberries?Notblue.Blackberries?Notblack.Strawberries?Strawfree.Raspberries?Donotrasp,ormakeanynoiseatall.Icouldgoon.
“Iwanttohavealookathercommunicationspriortodisappearing.Youstillhaveaccesstothem?”
“Ido.Andhaveinspectedthem—noclues.”
Hetakesouttwoslicesofbread.Hisforearmsarestrong,largemusclesinterruptedbytheoccasionalwhitescar.“IfWerebusinessisinvolved,youmightnotknowwhatyou’relookingfor.I’llhaveyoutalkwithAlexandhandthemoverto—”
“Hey.”Ishiftandtuckmylegsunderme.“I’mnotturningoveranythinguntilyoutellmewhatyouwouldbelookingfor.”
Hiseyebrowlifts.“You’renotinanegotiatingposition,Misery.”
“Neitherareyou.”
Theeyebrowliftshigher.
“Okay,maybemorethanIam.Butifwe’redoingthis,Ineedtoknowwhat’sinitforyou,becauseIhighlydoubtyousuddenlycareaboutmyrandomHumanfriendenoughtohelpmefindher.”
He’sgoodatstaring,staringwiththosearcticeyeswithoutsayinganything,andIsquirminmychair,heated.Howdoesthisguymakesomeonewithabasaltemperatureofninety-fourdegreesandnexttonosweatglandsfeelclammy?
“It’saboutAna,right?YouthinkSerenawaslookingforAna.”
Morestaring.Mistral,withahintofassessment.
“Listen,it’sobviousthatyouwanttofigureoutwhyaHumanknewofyoursister’sexistence.AndI’mnotaskingyoutotrustme—”
“IthinkIwill,though,”hefinallysays,decisive.Andthenstartsspreadingpeanutbutteronthebread,likehe’ssettledanimportantmatterandnowneedsasnack.
“Youwill…?”
“Trustyou.”
“Idon’tgetit.”
“No.”Hisexpressionisnottender,butapproaching.Kind.Amused,forsure.“Ireckonyouwouldn’t.”
“Iwasjustproposingwetradeinformation.”
“AndyoucoulddomanyhorriblethingswiththeinformationI’mabouttogiveyou.Butyou’vebeeninAna’sshoesbefore.Andyou’rehurtbecauseyourantohelpherwhenthesunhadn’tsetyet.”Lowepointsatthereddenedskinofmyrightarmandhandsmeanicepack.
Hemusthaveretrieveditearlierfromthefreezer.Anditfeelsreally,reallygood.
“Misguidedasyouwere,Idoubtyou’dthrowAnaunderthebus.”
“Nomoremisguidedthanusingherasbait.Niceparentingthere,bytheway,”Iadd,abitarchly.
“TherewereeightWeresmonitoringthesituation,”hesays,unoffended.“Andatrackerinhersuit.Maxhadnovehicleathisdisposal,soweknewhewasgoingtoattempttohandoffAnatosomeoneelse.Shewasneverinanyrealdanger.”
“Sure.”Ishrug,pretendingIdon’tcare.“Andchildrenaresoftandadaptableandmakeforperfectpawnsinthepowerplaysofgreatleaders,right?”
“IcanonlyprotectAnaifIknowwherethethreatsagainstherarecomingfrom.”Heleansforwardacrossthetable.Thescentofhisbloodislikeawavelappingatmyskin.“I’mnotlikeyourfather,Misery.”
Mythroatissuddenlydry.“Well,you’rewrong.IwouldthrowAnaunderthebus,ifIhadtochoosebetweenherandSerena.”Ihavepriorities,verylittleheart,andfindnopleasureinbeingdeceitfulwhenothersarebeinghonestwithme.Anamightbegrowingonme,butshewasn’ttheonewhosleptnexttomeforawholeweekwhenIwasfourteenandgavemyselfseizuresbytryingtofileoffmyfangsforthefirsttime.Withacheesegrater.
“Yeah?”Hedoesn’tsoundlikehebelievesme.“Hopefullyitwon’tcometothat.”
“Idon’tthinkitwill,”Iagree.“Anditmakessenseforustocollaborate.AsAna’sbrotherandSerena’ssister.”
Hiseyesmeetmine,seriousandunsettling.“Notashusbandandwife?”
Becausewe’rethat,too,evenifit’sdisturbinglyeasytoforget.Iglanceaway,landingonadollopofpeanutbutterontherimofthejar.It’sthevarietywithoutthecrunchybits,which…yeah.
Isetdownmyicepackandleanbackinmychair,asfarawayfromitaspossible.
“She’llbesevennextmonth,bytheway,”hetellsme.“She’sjustbetteratlyingwithwordsthanwithherfingers.”
“Areherparents…Wherearethey?”
Thereisaninfinitesimalstutterinhismovement,andhesetsdownthejellyjar.“Mother’sdead.Father’ssomewhereinHumanterritory.”
“ThereareWeresinHumanterritory?”
Lowe’sjawtenses.“This,Misery,iswhereI’mtakingaleapoffaith.”
Myheartgoeswooden.Amemoryflashes:myfirstdayaloneamongtheHumans,afterFatherandVaniaandtherestoftheVampyreconvoyhadleft.Theterrifyingsmelloftheirblood,theiroddsounds,theweirdbeingscrowdingaroundme.KnowingIwastheonlymemberofmyspeciesformilesandmiles.Idon’twantitforher.Idon’twantitforanyone.“IsAnaHuman?ACollateral?”
Heshakeshishead.I’mfloodedwithrelief.“Okay.She’sWere.Thenwhy—”Istop.
BecauseLoweshakeshisheadagain.
IknowwhatVampyressmelllike,whattheirneedsandlimitationsare.AndAnaisnotoneofus.Whichleavesonesingleotherpossibility.
“No,”Isay.
Lowesaysnothing.Hisknifeclinksagainstthesideoftheplate,andhecrosseshisarmsonhischest.Hisexpressionremainsanchoredinawaythatmakesmeutterlyunhinged.
“It’snotpossible.They…No.Notboth.”Whyishesilent?Whyishenotcorrectingme?“Genetically,it’snot…Isit?”
“Apparently.”
“How?”Therearesomanylevelsofimpossibilityhere.ThataHumanandaWerewouldevenwanttoengageinwhat’snecessarytoproduceachild.Thatitwouldwork,physically.Thatitwouldhaveconsequences.WeresmaynotstruggleasmuchasVampyres,buttheirreproductiveratesarestilllowerthanHumans’.
Ishoottomyfeetinaspurtofnervous,incredulousenergy.Immediatelysitdownagainwhenmyabusedsolesprotest.“Butshe’srelatedtoyou,isn’tshe?Theeyes…”
“Mymother’seyes.”Henods.“ShewasoneofRoscoe’sseconds.OverseeingthewoodsbetweenWereandHumanterritories.Officially,underRoscoe’sruletherewerenodiplomaticrelationships.Inpractice,verylimitedagreementswithHumanswereconstantlybeingnegotiated,especiallyinhigh-conflictareas.Ibelievethat’showshefirstmetAna’sfather,butIwasn’taroundatthetime.”Hesoundsregretful,andIremembertheprettyhousedrawings.Theonlylockedspaceinhisroom.
“He’snotyourfather,ishe?”
“MyfatherwasaWere,andhediedwhenIwasachild.”
I’mnotgoingtoaskifmypeoplewereinvolvedinthat,becauseI’msureIknowtheanswer.“Whyareyoutellingmethis?”
Heissilentforawhile,eyesdowncast.It’snotuntilIfollowhisgazethatIrealizehe’sstaringatourweddingbandonhisringfinger.“YouknowwhatmakesAlphasgoodleaders?”heaskswithoutlookingup.
“Noclue.”
Hehuffsoutalaugh.“NeitherdoI.Butattimes,therearedecisionsthatfeelright,deepinthemarrowofmybones.”Hewetshislips.“Youareoneofthem.”
Bloodrushestomycheeks,hot.There’snowayLowemissesit,whichismortifying.I’mjustgratefulthathechoosestocontinuewithoutmentioningit.
“IwaslivinginEuropewhenmymotherwasinjured,butimmediatelyflewback.Whenitbecameobviousthatshemightnotmakearecovery,shetoldmeaboutAna’sbiologicalfather.”
“HerHumanbiologicalfather.”Inconceivable.
“Ithoughtshewasdeliriousbecauseofthedrugs.Orjustmistaken.”
Itiltmyhead.“Whatchanged?”
“TherearethingsaboutAna.Thingsthathadmetakingwhatmymothersaidasmorethansomemorphine-induceddelusion.”
“Likewhat?”
“Forone,Anadoesn’tshift.”
“Oh.Shouldshe,already?”
“AWerechildwould.Infact,duringthefullmoon,they’dhavetroublenotshifting.Herbloodisadeepredinsteadofgreen.Atthesametime,shehasWeretraits.She’smoreagile,strongerthanaHuman.Hervitalsareallovertheplace.Aftermymotherpassed,andverydiscreetly,IhadherDNAtested.Junoisageneticist,andshewasabletohelp.”Hepicksuptheknifeagain,slathersmorejelly.Thepeanutbutterjarisstillthere.Open.“Atthetime,RoscoewastheAlpha;itwaseasytopredictwhathe’ddoifhefoundoutthathehadahalfHumaninhispack.”
“Roscoewasnotafan,huh?”
Hegivesmeanunderstatement-of-the-decadelook.
“And,shewasthesisterofthedudewhosmelledlikehewasgonnastealhisjob,”Imurmurwithoutthinking.InoticeLowe’ssurprise.“What?Iknowthings.”
“RoscoewasneverapeacefulAlpha,butinthepastfewyears,hispositionsgraduallyescalatedtoextremeaggression.Hedemandedcontrolofcertaindemilitarizedzones,andbeganenforcingzero-tolerancepolicies.WekilledmoreHumansandVampyresinthelastdecadethanwedidinthepreviousfive—andtheykilledmoreofus.That’swhenseveralofhissecondsbegantoopenlydisagreewithhim.Theirdissentwasmetwithanotherramp-upofviolence.Thistimelastyear,moreWeresweredyingatthehandsofotherWeresthananyotherspecies.Mymotherwasoneofthem.”Hislipspresstogether.“Icamehome,challengedRoscoe,andwon.Hisfourmostloyalsecondschallengedme,andIwonagain.Therewereothers,weakerandweaker,anditfeltsowastefulto…”Herubshisjawwithhispalm.Histhinkinggesture,I’mstartingtorealize.“Itwasmymistake.Ishouldn’thaveletthemlive.”
Istudyhim,wonderingifheeverwantedtobeAlphainthefirstplace.WonderinghowI’dfeel,leadingthousandsofpeoplewithoutfeelingatruecallingtoit.AtleastFatherthrivesonthehigh-stakeslifeofpolitics,andsubterfuge,andpettypissingmatchesagainsttheothercouncilmen.
“Letmeguess:theonesyoudefeatedbutleftaliverebrandedthemselvesastheLoyalsandhavebeenradicalizingyoungMaxeslikeit’stheirbirthday.”
Henods.“It’sasmallgroup,butthey’rewillingtostoopmuchlowerthanIcanaffordto.AndtheyhavetheblessingandleadershipofEmery,Roscoe’smate.Shedeniesit,ofcourse,andshe’sasmart-enoughplayertoavoidhavingtherecentattackstracedbacktoher,butwehaveintel.”
“Ifitwereme,I’dborrowapagefromtheirbelovedRoscoeanddealwithdissenthisway.”
Hismouthcurvesinfinitesimally,likehe’stemptedtodojustthat,andIsmile,too.Oureyesholdforabeatbeforehecontinues:“Anadoesn’tknowwhoherrealfatheris.”
“Whodoesshethink…?”
“Vincent.HewasanotherofRoscoe’sseconds,andheandmymotherwereinanon-and-offrelationshipforyears.HewasattackedinVampyreterritory,whenAnawasaboutoneyearold.Therestofthepackarealsoundertheimpression,heavilyencouragedbymymother,thatAnaisVincent’skid.”
“Howareyouexplainingawaythenotshiftingbit?”
“It’snotwidelyknown,andthereareotherconditionsthatcouldcauseit,includingapsychologicalblock.Theyarerare,but…”
“Notasrareasahalf-HumanWere.Whoelseknows?”
“JunoandCal,becausewegrewuptogetherandthey’refamily.Mick,too.HewasoneofRoscoe’sseconds,theonlypersonmymothercouldrelyonwhenIwasgone.Asidefromthat,mymothertoldnoone.ButI’mstartingtoquestionthat.IcanonlyimagineSerenabeinginterestedinAna…”
“…becauseshe’shalfHuman.AndifSerenaknows…”
“…there’snotellingwhoelsedoes,”hefinishes.
Idrummyfingersonthetable,thinkingthisthrough.“Maxdidn’tsayanythingusefulabouttheLoyals?”
“Hedoesn’tknowmuch,asidefromthenamesofafewlow-levelmembers.TheLoyalsrecruitedhimbecausehehastiestosomeofmysecondsandeasyaccesstoAna,buttheydidn’ttrusthimenoughtorevealanything.Hedidn’tknowwhohewasgoingtohandAnato.”
“DoyouthinktheLoyalsknowaboutAna?”
Athoughtfulpause.“It’sapossibility.Butit’smorelikelythatthey’reusingmyonlylivingrelativetoforcemetolistentotheirdemands.TheyknowI’mtherightfulAlpha,andthatnoonecouldtakemeinthechallenge.”Hesoundsmoreresignedthanproud.“It’snotawell-thought-outplanontheirpart,buttheyaredesperate.Anddamnannoying.”Hemassagesthebridgeofhisnose
“Can’ttheyjustsecedeandformtheirownpack?”
“They’reverywelcometodoso,andthey’dmakemyfuckinglifemucheasier.Buttheydon’thavetheresourcesorthenecessaryleadershiptodoit.WhattheywantiscontrolofthefinancialassetsoftheSouthwestpack.EmerycomesfromalonglineofpowerfulWeres,andsheseesitasherdue.Butforthepastfewmonths,theLoyalshavebeensabotagingconstructionprojects,destroyinginfrastructure,assaultingmyseconds.Noonewho’dresorttothatshouldbeincontrolofthelargestpackinthecountry.”
“Orofachickencoop,ifyouaskme.”Ibitemylowerlip,mullingitover.“WhoisAna’sfather?”
“Mymothernevertoldme.Myimpressionisthathealreadyhadafamily,andthatwhensheattemptedtomentionAnatohim,he…”
“Didn’tbelieveher?”
“Yeah.”
“Can’tblamehim.So,goingbacktoSerena.Asidefromyou,onlyJuno,Cal,andMickknowaboutAna.Couldanyofthem…?”Igivehimalong,pregnantlookthatwillhopefullytellhimwhatI’mnotplanningtovoice.
Heshakeshisheadandstartscuttingthesandwichoutofitscrusts.Ifollowtherhythm,mesmerizedbyhisgracefulhands,andrecallthatthisissomethingSerenausedtopreferforherfoodwhenwewere…youngerthanLowe,forsure.Iwouldnothavethoughtabigbadwolfwouldbethispicky.
“Nottobeadiscordsower,andIpromisethisisonlymarginallyrelatedtoJuno’shankeringforcarvingmyorgansout,butmaybeyoushouldinvestigatethepossibilitythatoneofthemtattledyouout.”
“Idid.Despitethemhavingriskedtheirlivesformeadozentimesover.”Hesaysitangrily,likeitwassourandpainful,somethinghe’sashamedof,andathoughthitsme:thatmaybeLoweisthekindofleaderwhomeasureshisstrengthnotbythebattleshewins,butbythetrustheisabletoaccordtoothers.Thereissomethingabouthim,aboutthewayhecommands,thatmanagestobeatoncepragmaticandidealistic.
Hesetsthecrustsasideandleanshispalmsonthetableoncemore,levelingwithme.“Iasked.They’renotinvolved,andtheyhaven’ttoldanyone.”
“Okay,yes,but.Thereisthisthingpeoplesometimesdo,whichyouguysmaynothaveatermfor.TheVampyrescallitlying.”
Hislookiswithering.“I’dbeabletotelliftheywerebetrayingme.”
“Isthisthesmell-a-liething?Doesitreallywork?”
Thistimehe’slessimpressedbymyknowledgeofWeresecrets.Perhapsbecausetheyaren’tsecretsatall.“Notalways.Butscentchangeswithfeelings.Andfeelingschangewithbehavior.”
Iscowl.“Istillcan’tbelieveyouknewMaxwaslyingallalongandstillputaguardonme.”
“Iputaguardonyouforyoursafety.”
“Oh.”Hedid?Ihadnotconsideredthat.Ittakesalongsecondformyassessmentofthelastfivedaystoadjust,and…Oh,indeed.“Icantakecareofmyself.”
“AgainstayoungWerewithnocombattraining,yes.Againstsomeonelikeme,doubtful.”
Icouldscoffandbeoffended,butIliketothinkthatIknowmylimits.“Doesitbuildup?”
“What?”
“Theodor.Justwonderingifthat’swhyIsmelllikefishsouptoyou.HaveIliedtoomuchinmylife?”
It’sagenuinequestion,butLowesighsdeeplyandleavesmehanging.Heputsthefoodbackinthefridge,withoneglaringexception:thepeanutbutter.MygluttonousbrainmustbestrainedbythebiologicalpossibilityofWere-Humans,becauseitdispatchesmyhandtoscoopupalittleglobfromtherim,righttomylips,andit’sbeensolong,it’ssofuckinggood—
“Whatthehell?”
Iopenmyeyes.LowestarescuriouslyatthewayI’msucklingonmyindexfinger.
“Didyoujusteat?”
“No.”Iflush,mortified.“No,”Irepeat,butthepeanutbutterstickstotheroofofmymouth,garblingthesyllable.
“IwastoldVampyresdon’teatfood.”
Ican’trememberthelasttimeIfeltthisdegreeofembarrassment.“Serenamademe,”Iblurtout.
Loweglancesaround,tothezeronumberofSerenasinsight.
“Notnow.Butshemademetryitforthefirsttime.”Iwipemyfingeroffonmyshirt.Humiliating.“Theensuingaddictionwasallmine,”Iconcedewithamumble.
“Interesting.”Hisgazeissharp,andheseemsmorethaninterested.Heseemsintrigued.
“Pleasekillmenow.”
“Soyoucandigestfood.”
“Someofit.Ourmolarsaremostlyvestigial,sonochewing,butpeanutbutterissmoothandcreamyandIknowit’swrong,but…”Ishiverwithhowamazingittastes.Andwithhowshamefulandself-indulgentfoodeatingisconsideredamongVampyres.NotevenlivingamongtheHumanshasbeatenthebeliefoutofme.NotevenwatchingSerenascarfdownthreecupsofinstantudonnoodlesattwoa.m.becauseshefelt“abitpeckish.”“Thisissoundignified.CanyoupleasenottellanyoneandthrowmycorpseinthelakeafterIrunmyselfthroughthegarbagedisposal,whichI’mgoingtodorightnow?”
Hislipstwitchintotheghostofasmile.“You’reembarrassed.”
“Ofcourse.”
“Becauseyou’reeatingsomethingyoudon’tneedtosurvive?”
“Yes.”
“Ieatforpleasureallthetime.”Heshrugs,asthoughhisbroadshoulderswanttoagreewithhim.WehaveahealthyappetiteWerequirenourishment.“Justpretendit’sblood.”
“It’snotthesame.Vampyresdon’tdrinkbloodforpleasure.Wescarfitdownwhenweneedtoandthendon’tthinkaboutit.It’sabodilyfunction.Like,Idon’tknow,peeing.”
Hetakesaseatacrossfrommeand—fuckhim.Ihatehimsomuchforthewayhepushesthejarinmydirection,holdingmyeyestheentiretime.
Heisdaringme.
AnditsayssomethingabouthowfargoneIamforthisstupid,addictivenutpastethatI’mconsideringhavingalittlemore.
AndthenIjustdo.
“WhatdoVampyresdoforpleasure?”heasks,voicealittlehoarse.Idon’twanttoflashmyfangsathim,butit’shardwhenI’mlickingpeanutbutteroffmyfingers.
“Notsure.”Mytimeamongthemwasexclusivelyasachild,whenrulesabounded,andindulgenceswereinshortsupply.Owen,theonlyadultVampyrewithwhomIhaveregularexchanges,enjoysgossipingandmakingcausticremarks.Fatherhashisstrategicmaneuversandsoft-corecoupsd’état.Howtheothersamusethemselvesintheirsparetime,Ihavenoidea.“Fucking,probably?Please,takethisawayfromme.”
Hedoesn’t.Insteadhestarestoolongandtoointensely,rejoicinginmylackofcontrol.Whenhelowershiseyes,itseemstorequiresomeeffort.
“WhatcouldSerenabeinvestigating?”Hisvoiceisgravelly.Andsobering.
“ShenevermentionedtheWerestome,noteveninpassing.Butshedidn’tlovehercolleaguesinthefinancialdivision.Maybeshewasanglingforabetterjobandexploringnonfinancialstories.Thoughshewouldhavetoldme.”Wouldshe?Shewasclearlyhidingstufffromyou,anaggingvoiceoffers.Ishushit.“Idoknowthatshewouldn’thavegonepublicwithastorythathadthepotentialtoendangerachild.”
I’mnotsureLowebelievesme,buthestrokeshisjaw,carefullygatheringhisthoughts.“Eitherway,ourprioritiesmatch.”
“WebothwanttofindoutwhotoldSerenaaboutAna.”Forthefirsttimesincethisshammarriage—no,forthefirsttimesincethathagSerenadidn’tshowuptohelpmechangemysheets,Ifeelareal,genuineburstofhope.L.E.Morelandisnotjustastraybreadcrumb,butathreadtoholdontoandtugat.
“I’mgoingtogiveyouaccesstowhatevertechnologyyouneed—notthatyoueveraskedformypermission,”headdswithadrawl.“YoushouldlookintoSerena’scommunicationsintheweeksbeforeherdisappearance.Iknowyoualreadytried,butyoushouldcross-referenceitwithourdata.I’llgiveyouinformationaboutAna’swhereaboutsthatmighthelpbringmoreinsight.AndAlexwillhelpandmonitoryou.”Imakeaface,whichhashimaddingsternly,“YouarestillaVampyrelivinginourterritory.”
“AndhereIwas,thinkingwewerefirmlyinthereluctantalliancestageofourmarriage.”Idon’tmindthesupervision.It’smorethatAlexappearstobeasgoodahackerasIam—theoneareainwhichIallowmyselftobecompetitive.“Okay.Thanks,”Iadd,abitsullen.
Henodsonce.Theconversationcomestoabitofalull,whichthenstretchesintosomethingofanawkwardsilence,whichmeansthatLoweisdonewithme.
I’mbeingdismissed.
Igiveonelasthalf-loathing,half-longingglanceatthepeanutbutterjarandstand,pushingmyhandsdownintothepocketsinmyshorts.“I’llstarttonight.”
“I’llhaveMickbringyousomethingtoputonthem.”
I’mconfused.Thennoticethathiseyesareslowlytravelingdownmybarelegs.“Ah.Myfeet?”Ishiver,butit’snotcold.NowthatIthinkaboutit,thisplacehasn’tbeencoldindays.
“Andyourshoulders.Andyourside.”
Ifrown.“Howdoyouknowmysidehurts?”
“Professionalhazard.”Itiltmyhead.Doesn’thehaveanarchitecturedegree?DoIlookliketheLeaningTowerofPisa?“WeteachyoungWerestostudypotentialenemiesforweaknesses.You’vebeenrubbingyourribcage.”
“Ah.”Thatprofession.
“Doyouneedmedicalattention?”
“Nah,it’sjustmoreburns.”Iliftmyshirtandletitpoolrightundermybra,anglingslightlytoshowhim.“Mytanktopwasaskew,andthesunmanagedtoget…”
Allofasudden,hispupilsareaslargeastheirises.Loweabruptlyturnshisheadintheoppositedirection.Thetendonsofhisneckstretch,andhisAdam’sapplebobs.“Youshouldleave,”hesays.Gruff.Cutting.
“Oh.”
Hisshouldersrelax.“Gotakeanotheroneofyourbaths,Misery.”Hisvoiceishusky,butkinder.
“Right.Thesmell.Sorryaboutthat.”
I’matthebottomofthestairswhenAnacomesracingdownthesteps,almostcrashingintome.Hereyesarefulloftears,andmyheartclenches.“Areyouokay?”Iask,butsherunspastme,straighttowardherbrother.She’sbabblingsomethingaboutbaddreamsandwakingupscared.
“Comehere,love,”hetellsher,andIturntostudythem.Watchhimliftherintohislap,pushherhairbacktokissherforehead.“Itwasjustanightmare,okay?Liketheothers.”
Anahiccups.“Okay.”
“Youstilldon’trememberwhatitwasabout?”
Afewsniffles.“JustthatMamawasthere.”
Theirvoiceslowertosoftwhispers,andIturntoclimbthestairs.ThelastthingIhearisaphlegmy,“Okay,butdidyoucutthecrustsoff?”andadeep,hushedresponsethatsoundsalotlike,“Ofcourse,love.”
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER11
Somenights,whenhe’swalkingpastherdoor,hehastowhispertohimself:“Keepgoing.”
Twothingscanbetrueatonce.
Forinstance:IlikeAlex,becausehe’sanintelligent,pleasantyoungman.
And:spendingtimetogetherandwatchinghimbeterrifiedofmesparksjoy.
Justforfun,I’mtemptedtocontactatherapistandaskthemtoquantifyhowbadapersonIam.ButbythetimeAlexandIhavebeenworkingsidebysideforfivenights,I’veacceptedthatreassuringhimthatIdon’tplantofeastonhisplasmaisfutile.NothingwillconvincehimthatI’mnotgoingtoexsanguinatehim.AndIreallyshouldn’tenjoyit,butthere’ssomethinggenuinelyfunaboutwatchinghimmovearoundtheroomlikeacontortionisttoavoidgivingmehisback,oraboutrunningmytongueovermyfangsandfeelingtheclatterofthekeyboardstammertoahalt.It’susuallyfollowedbyeyesscrunchedshut,andlowwhimpershethinksIcannothear,and…TheWerechildrenwhobikeallthewaytomybedroomwindowjusttopointatitareright.Iamamonster.
Andyet,Icarryon.EvenafteroverhearingAlexsay,“Please,please,don’tletmedieuntilIturntwenty-fiveorIgettovisitthetheSpyMuseum,whatevercomesfirst.”Yeah.Hepraysalot.
HehasnoideawhyhisAlphataskedhimwithhelpingmeinaWhereintheWorldIsCarmenSandiego?errand,andtohiscredit,doesn’tquestionit.MostofourworkconsistsofreexaminingSerena’scorrespondence,cross-referencingthepeopleshehadcontactwithinthelastfewmonthsforWereconnections.WegatherinfoIcouldn’thavefoundonmyown,likethatoneoftheCEOssheinterviewedlastyearforastoryonspeculativeconstructionownspropertyneartheWere-Humanborderthroughashellcompany.Evenifmoststuffleadstodeadends,IstillfeelclosertoSerenathanIhavesinceshedisappeared.
Lowechecksinforupdatesonceaday,briefly.Father’sresponsetoourlackofprogresswouldbeamixofopaquethreatsandjabsatourintelligence,butLowemanagestoneversoundpushyordisappointed,evenasworrylinesbrackethismouthandhisshouldersstrainunderhisshirt.Impressive,really,howcivilhekeepsit.Maybeit’spartofthatinnatepulltoleadershiphehas.MaybetheytaughthimpatienceatAlphaschool.
WhenIwakeuponthesixthevening,MickinformsmethattheAlphahasbeencalledawayonurgentpackbusinessandbroughtAlexalong.Withoutunsupervisedaccesstotechnology,Ionceagainhavenothingtodo.Ifeed.Wanderaroundthehouseuntilthesunfullysets.Thenmovetotheporch.
Theskyisprettierhere,moreexpansivethanineitherHumanorVampyreland,butIcan’tputmyfingeronwhy.I’vebeenchinup,studyingit,foraquarterhourorso,whenIhearanoisecomingfromthethicket.
Awolf,Ithink,instantlyreadytoretreatinsidethehouse.Butno.It’sawoman—Juno.Sheemergesfromthetrees,lookingbeautiful,andpowerful,andnaked.
Newborn-just-slithered-out-of-the-birth-canalnaked.
Shewaves,andthenunhurriedlycomestositonthechairnexttomine.“Misery.”Shenodsonce,courteously.
“Hey.”Thisisfuckingweird.“Justchecking:Youknowyou’renaked,right?”
“Iwasonarun.”Themoonwillfilltomorrow,andthelightgleamsoffherglossyhair.“Doesitbotheryou?”
Doesit?“No.Doesitbotheryou?”
ShelooksatmelikeI’moneofthoseHumanswhothinkpremaritalsexisatickettohell.“I’vebeenmeaningtotalktoyou.”
“Youhave?”TalktomightbeWere-speakforseverelyinjure
“Toapologize.”
Itiltmyhead.
“YouhelpedAnalastweek.WithMax.”
“Soundslikeyouguyswereonitalready.”
“True.Butyou…cared.AndAnahasbeenthroughenoughthatshecouldusemorepeoplewhodothat.”Herfulllipspresstogether.“Lowesaidyou’vebeenusingyourtechskillstohelpher,too.”
“Kindof.”I’dhateforhertothinkI’mselflesswhenI’mobviouslynot.
“I’msorryIwassoharshwithyouwhenwefirstmet.ButLoweislikeabrothertoCalandme,whichmakesAnafamily,too,andIwas…”
“Worried?”Ishrug.“Iwouldn’tbeafanofme,either.Iassumedyouwerebeingprotective.”
Shestilllooksapologetic.“Shehadahardtime.Anditwilllikelyonlygetharderasshegrowsup.DidLowetellyouaboutMaria?”
“Maria?”
“Theirmother.ShewasattackedbyRoscoewhenshecriticizedhimoverpackaffairs.Idon’tthinkhewantedtokillher,butWerescangetcarriedaway,especiallyinwolfform.”
“Hedidn’tsay,no.”ButI’dgatheredasmuch.
“IcannotbegintoimaginehowtraumatizingitmusthavebeenforAna,seeingheronlyparentbehurtbythesingleWerewhoseauthorityshe’dbeenraisedtoneverquestion.”
Mychestisheavy.“Whatapieceofshit.”
Junolaughssoftly.“Youhavenoidea.Hehadsomegoodyears,but…DidLowetellyouRoscoefeltsothreatened,hesenthimaway?”
“Alexmentionedsomethinglikethat.Wheredidhego?”
“TotheNorthwestpack,withKoen.Andmaybeitwasforthebest—LowegottoobserveoneofthebestAlphasinNorthAmerica,andperhapshewouldn’tbenearlyasgoodaleaderifitweren’tforKoen.ButLowewastwelve.Hewasforcedtoleavehishomewithoutknowingifhe’deverbeallowedtocomeback,andhedidit.Hewasangryandfrustrated,Ifeltit,butheneversaid.Andwhenhecameofage,hestillwasn’tallowedtocomeback,sohemovedtoEurope,wenttoschool,startedacareer.Hebuiltalife—andthenRoscoebecamederanged.Manychallengedhim,butnoonewon.WeaskedLowetocomeback,andheletallofitgo.Everythinghe’dworkedforhadtocomeafterthepack.Loweneverhadachoiceonthematter.”
Ithinkofflippingthroughpages.
Theprettybuildingsinthedrawer.
Myface.
“Hehasn’thadanythingforhimself,Misery.Notonething.AndI’veneverheardhimcomplainaboutit,notonce.Notthathehadtoleave,notthathehadtotakecontrolofthelargestpackinNorthAmerica,notthathehadtodoitallalone.Hislifehasbeenduty.”Shescansmyfacecuriously,likeIcouldrightthisinjustice.Idon’tknowwhattosay.
“IpromiseI’mnottryingtomakehislifemoredifficult.AndIfeelsoshittyaboutthematething.”
Juno’seyeswiden.“Hetoldyouaboutthat?”
“No.I’mnotsupposedtoknow,butafriendofmyfather’smentionedattheweddingthatshewaswhoIswappedwith.IknowhismateistheWereCollateral.Gabrielle.”
“Gabrielle?”Juno’slookshiftsfromconfused,toblank,tounderstanding.“Yes.Gabi.Hismate.”
“I’mnottryingtointerferewithLowe’shappiness.Ourmarriageisnotreal,andhe’sfreeto…findhishappinesswhereverhecan.”Ibiteintomylowerlip.Honestyforhonesty.“ThereisareasonIagreedtothis,andI’vecomecleantohimaboutit.”
Herdarkeyeslingeronme,inquisitive.Andafteralongtime,shesays,“Itmightbecruelofme.ButIthinkthat,deepdown,IalwayshopedthatLowewouldneverfindhismate.”
I’mstillnotwhollycertainwhatthatmeans.“Why?”
“BecausebeinganAlphameansalwaysputtingyourpackfirst.”I’mabouttoaskwhythetwothingsareincompatible,butshestands.Itrynottostareathernipplesassheoffersherhand.“I’msorryforthewayIacted.AndI’dloveforyoutoacceptmypeaceoffering.”
Herwordsmakemechuckle.WhenInoticeherscowl,Ihastentoadd,“Sorry—it’snotaboutyou.Ijustrememberedthatwhenwewerearoundthirteen,mysisterandIusedtohavethisreallyweirdcaregiver,andwheneverwehadafighthewouldforceustocuteachother’stoenails.”
“What?”
“IthinkhegotitfromaTVshow.Foreachnail,wehadtosaysomethingniceabouteachother.Andthehabitkindofstuck,anditbecamethewaywefixedallourfights?”
“Thatis…”
“Gross?”
Junomightbetoopolitetoagree.“Wouldyouliketodothatnow?”
“Oh,no.Ahandshakeissomuchbetter.”Itakeherofferedhandandgripitfirmly.
“Idon’tknowifyouandIcaneverbefriends,”shesays.“ButIcanbebetter.”
Ismileather,closemouthedandfangless.“Hell,Icanonlybebetter.”
Turnsout,Iwaswrongaboutthefullmoon.
It’sfurtheraheadthanIthought,threewholenights,andthedaybefore,Mickordersmenottoleavemyroom—ideally—orthehouse,underanycircumstances.Hestilllooksoutforme,butIhaven’thadaguardcampedoutsidemydoorsincemyconversationwithLowe.
“Howcome?”Iaskcuriously.“Imean,I’lldoasyousay.Butwhat’ssodifferentaboutthefullmoon?”
“IttakesareallypowerfulWeretoshiftwhenthemoonissmall—andareallypowerfulWeretonotshiftwhenit’sbig.AllWereswillbeintheirmostdangerousform,includingmanyyouthswhohavelittleself-control.Betternottestthemwithunusualscents.”Ilaughathisold-man-yells-at-a-cloudeyeroll,butlaterthatnightthepersistenthowlingthatseemstobealloverthelakeshoregetstome.Whenmydooropenswithoutwarning,I’mmuchjumpierthanusual.
“Ana.”Iexhaleandsetasidemybook.It’saboutanosyelderlyWereladywhosolvesmurdermysteriesintheNortheastpack.Iabsolutelyloatheher,butsomehowI’malreadyatnumbersevenintheseries.“Whyaren’tyouwolfingwith…”Oh.
Right.
Becauseshecan’tdothat.
“CanIcomeintotheclosetwithyou?”
Shehasbeenvisitingalot,butusuallydoesn’taskforpermission—justclimbsnexttomeandplaysthelittlegamesIcodeforheronthefly.Tonightseemsdifferent.“Fine,butnocoverhogging.”
“Okay,”shesays.Twominuteslater,notonlyhasshestolenmyduvet,butshealsoappropriatedmypillow.Pest.“Whydon’tyousleepinabed?”
“?’CauseI’maVampyre.”Sheacceptstheexplanation.Probablybecausesheacceptsme.LikeSerenausedto,andnooneelseever.Iturnthepage,andwe’resilentforthreemoreminutes,herbreathhotandhumidagainstmycheek.
“UsuallyLowestayshumanandhangsoutwithmewhenthey’reallgone,”shesayseventually.Hervoiceissmall,andIknowwhy.Alexreturnedyesterday,butLoweisstilloutoftown.That’swhyAnasoundslikesomethingsherarelyis:sad.
Iputdownthebookandturntoher.“AreyousayingI’mnotasgoodcompanyasLowe?”
“You’renot.”Iglare,butsoftenwhensheasks,“WhenwillIbeabletoshift,too?”
Shit.“Idon’tknow.”
“Mishacandoitalready.”
“I’msuretherearethingsyoucandothatMishacan’t.”
Shepondersthematter.“I’mreallygoodatbraids.”
“Thereyougo.”Prettytrivialskill,but.
“CanIbraidyourhair?”
“Absolutelyfuckingno.”
Acoupleofhourslater,halfadozenbraidspullatmyscalp,andAnaissnoringsoftlywithherheadinmylap.Herheartbeatissweet,delicate,abutterflyfindingagoodlandingflower,andfuckchildrenforbeinglittleassholeswhomanipulatepeopleintowantingtoprotectthem.IhatethatIcurvemybodyaroundherswhenIhearheavy,hurriedstepsthroughthewalls.AndIhatethatwhenmybedroomdooropens,IreachfortheknifeIstolefromthekitchenandstashedundermypillow.
I’mreadytokilltodefendher.ThisisAna’sfault.Anaisforcingmetofuckingkill—
Lowecrouchesattheentranceofmycloset,hispalegreeneyesfuriousinthesemidarkness.
“Didyouknow,mydearwife,thatwhenIcamehomeduringafullmoonandcouldnotlocatemysister,IwasreadytodestroymyentirepackandtorturealltheWeresguardingthishousefortheirnegligence?”Hiswhisperispure,ominousthreat.
Ishrug.“No.”
“Ihavebeenlookingforher.”
“Andthisismyfault,why?”Imakeashowofblinkingathim,andhecloseshiseyes,clearlygatheringthestrengthtonotbutcherme,andclearlyonlybecausehissisteriscurrentlyonme.
“Issheokay?”heasks.
“Yes.Iamthevictimhere,”Ihiss,pointingatthemessonmyhead.
Hiseyestraveloverthebraids,abruptlystoppingonthevisibletipsofmyears.Iusuallyhidethem,justtoavoidupsettingpeoplewithmyotherness,andthewayLowestaresatthem—firstwithhypnosis-likeintensity,thenabruptlyglancingaway—onlyreinforcesthatresolution.
“IthinkAnamightwanttobecomeahairdresser.Youshouldencouragethat.”
“Abetterjobthanmine,forsure.”
Noarguingthat.EspeciallywhenInoticethewoundonhisforearm—fourparallelclawmarks.Itdoesn’tseemfresh,butthere’sstillsomegreenbloodencrustedonit,anditsmells…
Whatever.
“WasittheLoyals?Youweregoneforawhile.”Idon’tevenmindadmittingthatInoticed.I’msurehe’sawareIdon’thaveaparticularlyfulfillingroutine.
“Regularinternalpackbusiness.ThenameetingwithMaddie,theHumangovernor-elect.AndseveralVampyrecouncilmembers—yourfatherincluded.”
“Yikes.”
Hislipsnearlycurlintoasmile,buthisexpressionremainsgrim.MaybehewenttoVampyreterritoryandmanagedtoseehismate.Maybehe’sangrythatI’mwhathecomeshometothesedays.Can’tblamehim.
“Doyouthink…”Afterhavingbeenaninstrumentofpoliticsforadecade,I’vedonemybesttopretenditdoesn’texist.ButIfindmyselfwantingtoknow.“Willtheystick?Thesealliances?”
Hedoesn’treply,noteventosaythathedoesn’t,cannotknow.Insteadhelooksatmeformany,manymoments,asthoughtheanswermightbewrittenonmyface,asthoughIamthekeytounlockthis.
“IfHumansknewofAna’sexistence,”Isay,thinkingoutloud.“ThatHumansandWerescan…”Iletthethoughtdangle.Shecouldbeapowerfulsymbolofunityaftercenturiesofstrife.Or,peoplecoulddecideshe’sanabomination.
“Toounpredictable,”hesays,readingmymindandbendingtotakehissleepingsisterfrommylap.Lowe’shandsbrushmineintheexchange.Whenhestands,Anainstantlysnugglesinhisarms,recognizinghimbyscenteveninherslumber.BabblingsomethingthatsoundstooheartbreakinglyclosetoMamaforcomfort.
IwanttoaskhimwhyIfoundajarofcreamypeanutbutterinmyfridge.Ifhe’sthereasonthehouseisnowthreedegreeswarmerthanwhenIarrived.ButIsomehowcan’tbringmyselfto,andthenhe’stheonetospeak.
“Bytheway,Misery.”
Ilookupathim.“Yeah?”
“Wehavesharperknives.”Hepointsatminewithhischin.“Thatoneisn’tgoingtodoshittosomeonelikeme.”
“It’snot?”
“Thirddrawerfromthefridge.”Ilistentohisheavysteps,andoncethedoortomyroomclicksclosed,Ipickupmybookandstartreadingagain.
Thanksforthetip,Iguess.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER12
Theburdenhasbeenfeelinglighter,butheliestohimselfaboutthereason,attributingittohabit,andthefactthathe’sgrowingintohisrole.
Itremindsmeofasketchinacomedyshow,soabsurdthatIleanagainstthedoorframeofLowe’sofficeandobserveitinsilenceforafewminutes,amusedbythevisual.
It’sthebigman.Andthewayhehandlessmallgadgets,frowningdownatthemlikethey’repoisonousspiders.Thewayhetypesatthekeyboardwithonesinglefinger.Andthewayhedoesn’tseemtobeabletofollowsimpleinstructions,eventhoughAlexisexplainingstufftohiminthetoneofsomeonewho’sreadytobungeejumpoutofhisownlife
“—won’tbeactivateduntilyouenterthislineofcode.”
“Ienteredit,”Lowerumbles.
“ExactlythewayIwroteithere,onthispieceofpaper.”
“Idid.”
“It’scase-sensitive.Alpha,”hetackson.RemindinghimselfthatLowe’shisboss.Hisverystubbornboss.
“Theproblemisthisfuckingmachine.”
Loweliftshishand,readytohitwhathastobeanexpensivepieceoftechnology.WhichleadstoAlexchantingwithaDostoyevskianlevelofdread,“OhmyGod,ohmyGod.”Which,inturn,leadstoLowepromising,“It’sstuck.I’llpunchitonceandit’llfixitself.”Which,ofcourse,leadstoAlex,whomLowedoesnotpayenough,suddenlybeingonthevergeoftears.
That’swhenItakepityonbothofthemandsay,“Idon’tthinkpercussivemaintenanceistheanswertoacodingerror.”
Theybothturntome,saucer-eyedandvaguelyembarrassed.Astheyshouldbe.
“Alex,areyoureallyteachingLowehowtocode?”
“Iamattemptingto.”Alexgivesbothofusalook.He’susuallymoreateasewithmewhenLowe’saround,buthemustknowhe’smomentarilyonhisAlpha’sshitlist.
“Howmanytimeshaveyouguysbeenoverthis?”
“Ahandful,”Lowemutters,justasAlexsays,“Sixteen.”
Iwhistle.“Bighands.”MyeyesflicktoLowe’s.
“It’sfine.I’llfigurethiscodingthingoutwhenI’mthere.Icanimprovise.”Hestands,andAlexandIexchangeanincredulouslook,thewordsdigitalilliteratefloatingintheairbetweenusinPapyrus.Lowe’sincompetencemightbehealingtheriftbetweenus.
“I’llcallyou.You’llguidemeonthephone,”hetellsAlex,thistimewithmoregravity.
“I’mconcernedforyoursafety.Therecouldbetraps.”
“I’lldealwiththem.”LoweputshishandonAlex’sshoulder,reassuring.I’mabouttobreakmynone-of-my-businessruleandaskwhatthisisaboutwhenMickappears.
“Dinnerisready.Ana…cooked.”Hesaysthelastwordwithasmallwince.“Andrequestedeveryone’spresence.”Helooksatme.“Yoursincluded.”
Ifrown.“Me?”
“SheaskedspecificallyforMiresy.”
“IssheawarethatIdon’teat?”
Lowefoldshisarmsonhischest.“Youdo,infact—”
“Shhhh.”IgesturefranticallyathimtoshuthisyappingmouthandturntoMick.“I’mcoming.We’recoming.Let’sgo!”Lowe’ssmirkcanonlybedescribedasevil.
Anaisdelightedtoseeme.Sherunstome,ablurofsparklypinkcottonandunicornears,andwrapsherlittlearmsaroundmywaist.
“Wedon’talwayshavetohug,”Itellher.
Shesqueezesharder.
Isigh.“Fine.Sure.”
It’sbeennearlyaweeksincethefullmoon,andthecumulativetimeI’vespentwithmyhusbandsincethenwouldn’tbeenoughtobringakettletoboil.ButJunocametovisitonenightandbroughtadeckofcards,andcamebacktwonightslaterandbroughtamovieandGemmaandFlorandArden,andbotheveningsfeltsimilar:odd,butfun.I’mwithAlexallthetime,andCal’sdaughterMishaaskedtomeetmetosee“areal-lifeleech,”andacoupleothersecondsstoppedbybecausetheywereinthearea,justtointroducethemselves,and…
It’sunexpected,especiallyaftermyrockystart.Ishouldbeapariah,Iamone,butIdon’tthinkIfitinthisplaceanymorepoorlythanIdidamongtheHumans,ortheVampyres.Inthepastsevendays,I’vehadmoresocialinteractionsthaneverbefore.No:morepositivesocialinteractionsthaneverbefore.TheWeresarebeingsurprisinglyamicable,eventhoughtheyknowI’maVampyre.AndI’mbeingsurprisinglyrelaxedwiththem,perhapsbecausetheyknowIamaVampyre.It’sanewexperience,beingtreatedaswhatIam.
AndnowI’msittingatatablewithLowe,Mick,andAlex,whileSparkleswatchesusfromthewindowsillandAnaservesgoldfishcrackers,heavilyimplyingtheyareseafood.Iheartheirheartbeatsmixtogetherlikeanoutoftunesymphony,andthestraythoughthitsmethatLoweismyhusband,andAnaismysister-in-law.Technically,I’mhavingthefirstfamilydinnerofmylife.Likethosehumansitcoms,theoneswithtwentyminutesofbanteraboutsnappeasthatonlysoundsfunnybecauseofthelaughtrack.
Iletoutabefuddledsnortandeveryoneturnstomecuriously.“Sorry.Carryon,please.”
I’mproudofthewayIcutmymeatloafandmovethecrackersaroundtheplatetomimicahalf-eatenmeal.ButI’mnotverygoodatusingcutlery,andthecontext—ameal,shared—isasforeigntomeascrocodilewrestling.Ana,ofcourse,notices.
“Whyissheactinglikethat?”shewhisperstheatricallyfromtheheadofthetable,pointingatmyramrodstraightspine,thewayIliftandlowermyforklikeananimatronicpuppet.
“She’sjustnotverygoodatthis.Bekind,”Lowemurmursbackfromnexttome.
Ananodsowl-eyed,andmovestheconversationtotheimportantmatterofwhethershe’llgetanewpairofrollerskatesbeforeherbirthday,whatcolortheymightbe,willtheyhaveglitter,and,moreimportant,willJunotakehertotherinktopractice.IgettoobserveLowewhenhe’srelaxed.HepretendsnottoknowwhatrollerskatesaretoirkAnajustalittlebit,orthatherbirthdayiscominguptoirkherawholelot.Whenhe’snotleadingapackagainstagroupofviolentdissidents,hesmilesquiteabit.Thereissomethingsoothingabouthisteasinghumorandhisinnateself-confidence.
“Whenisyourbirthday?”Anaasksme,afterMickrevealsanunexpectedexpertiseinastrologyandinformsAnathatshe’saVirgo.AlexisanAquarius—afactthat,likeeverythingelseunderthesun,violentlyalarmshim.
“Idon’thaveone,”Itellher,stillreelingfromthementalimageofmiddle-aged,ruggedMickperchingrimmedglassesonhisnoseandsettlinginbedwithacopyofTheZodiacforDummies.“Mymateusedtodabble,”hewhispersatme,pickinguponmybefuddlement.
PeassputteroutofAna’smouth.“Howcanyounothaveabirthday?”
“Idon’tknowwhatdayIwasborn.”Icouldfindoutfromcouncilrecords,sinceitwasthedayMotherdied.IdoubtFatherwouldknow.“Itmighthavebeenspring?”
“Howdoyoukeeptrackofyourage?”Alexasks.
“IcountoneuponVampyreNewYear’sDay.”
“Andyouhaveaparty?”
IshakemyheadatAna.“Wedon’tdoparties.”
“No…gatherings?Soirees?Boardgamenights?Communalblooddrinking?”Alexisshocked.Mayberelieved.Iwonderwhatstorieshewastoldasachildwhenheresistedcleaninghisbedroom.
“Wedon’tcommune.Wedon’tmeetinlargegroups,unlessit’stosetupwarstrategies,orbusinessstrategies,orotherkindsofstrategies.Oursociallifeisallstrategizing.”ForthenextFather’sDay,IshouldgethimamugthatsaysAllIcareaboutismachinatingandlike,threepeople.Exceptwedon’tcelebrateFather’sDay,either.“Butifwedidhavecommunalblooddrinking,we’dfeastonpromisingyoungcomputerengineers,”Iadd,andthensmackmylipsasthoughI’mthinkingofascrumptiousmeal,justtowatchAlexpale.
“Regardingblood,”MickwarnswhileAnaspillsseveralgallonsofwateronthetableundertheguiseofpouringus“cocktails,”“Misery,thebloodbankmessagedusthatthisweek’sdeliverywillbedelayedacoupleofdays.”
“D-delayed?”Alexchokesout.
Mick’seyebrowlifts.“Youseemveryinvested,Alex.Ididn’tknowyou’vebeenpartaking.”
“No,but…whatwillsheeat?”
“IguessI’llhavetofindanothersourceofblood.Hmm,whocoulditbe?Let’ssee…”Idrummyfingersagainsttheedgeofthetabletocreatesuspense.ItsureworksonAna,who’slookingatmegape-mouthed.“Whosmellsgoodaround—”
Lowe’shandclosesaroundmine.Ourweddingbandsclinktogetherasheliftsitfromthetableandsetsitinmylap,hisgriplingeringforasecond.
Ifeelhot.
Ishiver.
Loweclickshistongue.“Stopplayingwithyourfood,wife,”hemurmurs,anditfeelsalmostintimate,smilingathimandcatchingtheamusedgleaminhiseyeswhileAlexcrumplesintohimself.“Shehasseveralbagsleft,”heinformsAlex,who’stryingtocamouflagewiththewallpaper.
“Let’smakeupabirthdayforyou,”Anaproposes,bright-eyed.“Andhaveabiiiigparty.”
“Yikes.”Iscrunchmynose.“Let’snot.”
“Let’syes!Yourbirthdayisthisweekend,andyou’regoingtohaveabouncycastle!”
“I’mnotaverybouncyperson.”
“Andthisweekendyourbrotherwillbegone,Ana,”Micksays.Alex’sforkclicksagainsthisplate.Somethingshifts,andthesilenceintheroomissuddenlytenseasLowechewshismeatloaf.
“Feelfreetohavethepartywithoutme,”hesaysoncehe’sswallowed,withthecalm,effortlesstoneofsomeonewhoknowsthateverywordofhisislaw.Then,withaconspiratorialwinkatAna:“TakepicturesofMiresybouncing.”
ShenodsenthusiasticallyasMickoffers,“Oryoucouldcancel.”
Lowesipsonhiswateranddoesn’treply,butit’sclearthatthisconversationhasbeenongoingforawhile.
“AtleasttakeCalwithyou—”
“Calwasn’tinvited.Andanyway,I’mnotbringingafatheroftwointothat.”
“Butyouaregoing.”Mick’susuallymellowtonehardens.“It’stoodangerousforyourmosttrustedsecond,butfortheAlphaofthepack—”
“FortheAlpha,it’sduty,”Loweinterrupts,conclusive.
“I’vebeeninthispackforoverfiftyyears,andIcanpromiseyouthatnootherAlphawouldhaveagreedtothoseconditions.You’regoingaboveandbeyondandhavenoself-preservation.”
Ihavenoideawhatthecontextis,butMickisprobablyright.ThereissomethingselflessaboutLowe,asthoughwhenhebecameAlphaheleftbehindanytraceofhimself.
Or,moreaccurately,lockeditintoadrawer.
“WerethoseAlphasdealingwithinternalsedition?”Loweresponds,calmandharshatonce.Micklooksaway,moresadthanchastised.Anapicksuponit.
“Lowe?”Hervoiceissmall.“Whereareyougoingthisweekend?”
Hesmilesatherwarmly,histoneinstantlysofter.“ToCalifornia.”
“What’sinCalifornia?”I’mgladsheasked.BecauseIwasaboutto,andI’mnotentitledtothispieceofinformation.
“It’spackterritory.Anoldfriendlivesthere.UncleKoenwillbethere,too.”
“Emery’snofriend,Lowe,”Mickinterjects.
“Andthat’spreciselywhyIcannotpassuptheopportunitytohaveaccesstoherhouse.”
“It’snotanopportunity.IfyoucouldbringAlexorsomeoneelsewho’stech-savvytohelpyouwithyourplan,yes.Butnotonyourown.”
“Hangon.”I’mtoocurioustoshutup.“Isn’tEmeryRoscoe’sformer…”Idon’tneedareply,notgoingbythemen’sfaces.“Oh,shit.”
Anachortles.
“You’realmostdisappointinglyeasy,”Itellher,andshechortlesharder,thensneaksaroundLowe’schairtositonmylegsandstealmygoldfish.Idon’tknowwhatitisaboutmethatsaysPleasemakeyourselfathomeonmylap,butI’llhavetofixthat.“Lowe,areyoureallygoingtomeetwiththislady?”
Mickgivesmeavalidatedsmile.Alexis,asusual,terrified.Lowe’switheringlooksays:Notyou,too,andbytheway,whothefuckgaveyoutheright?
Which,fair.
“YouknowEmeryisbehindeverythingthatishappening,”Micksays.
“ButIhavenoproof.AnduntilIhaveindisputableevidence,Iwillnotactagainsther.”
“Youcould.Itwouldbeashowofstrength.”
“NotthekindofstrengthI’minterestedinshowing.”
“Maxalreadytoldyou—”
“AmumbledconfessionaboutwhohebelievedsenthimwhenhewasunderthrallbyaVampyreisunlikelytoholdupinatribunal.”Lowe’sstrikingfaceisstony,butIseethefatiguearoundtheedges.Itmustbetiresome,beingadecentperson,andIcan’trelate.Irevelinmymoralflexibility.“MeetingEmeryonherturfishowIgetthatevidence.”
“Orhowyougetyourself…”Mick’seyesdarttoAnaandhedoesn’tcontinue,butthewordkilledbouncesbetweentheadultsatthetable.
“DoyoureallythinkIcannotholdmyownagainstherguards?”Loweasks,leaningbackinhischair.Hislipscurveintoasmile.Helookslesslikeadiplomaticleader,andmorelikethecocky,invincibletwentysomethingyoungmanheis.“Comeon,Mick.You’veseenmefight.”
Micksighs.“Justbecausewehaven’tfoundyourlimityetdoesn’tmeanthereisn’tone.”
“Doesn’tmeanthereis,either.”
Anaturnsonmylapandclimbsupmytorsolikeasquirrel,huggingmyneckandnuzzlingmyhair.It’sthemostdirectphysicalcontactI’veexperienced,ever—tomysurprise,notexcessivelyunpleasant.Iask,“AreyousureEmerywouldagreetomeetyou,afteryou…”Slaughteredherhusband?
“Sheextendedtheinvitation,”Micksays,resigned.
“Noway.”
“AsiscustomaryforthemateofthepreviousAlpha.Toguaranteeapeacefulsuccession.”
“Wow.”AnastartsfidgetingandreachesoutforLowe,buthe’sexchangingalongstarewithMickanddoesn’tnotice.Ipathisarmtogethisattentionandhegivesmeawide-eyed,disturbedlook,likeItriedtoscorchhimwithacattleiron.Doeshethinkmysmellisgoingtoruboff?He’swaymoreskunkadjacentthanI’lleverbe.
“Ithinkit’satrap,”Mickdecrees.
Loweshrugs.ThemovementdelightsAna,soherepeatsit.“I’mwillingtoriskit.”
“But—”
“Mymindismadeup.”HesmilesatAnaandshiftsregister.“I’llhavesomeonelookintobouncycastles,”headds,andtherestofthedinnerconversationisjustthat—Anaplanningthecakeshe’llbuyformy“birthday,”Alexconcernedthatmyfangswillpiercetheinflatables,Lowelookingatuswithanamusedexpression.Westaylongerthanthetimeittakestofinishthemeal—acommonoccurrence,apparently,spendingtimechattingaboutnothingofparticularimportance.Weres’socialcustomsaredifferent,andtheyhavemewonderinghowLowe’smateisfaringamongmypeople.Sheleftfriendsbehind,family,apartner.Whoisshehavingaround-the-tableconversationswith?IpicturehertryingtochatwithOwen—andOwenexcusinghimselftogocaptureamountainliontosetafterher.
Ishakemyheadandtunebackintotheconversation.Analaughs,Lowegrins,Alexsmiles.Andthenthere’sMick,whostaresatmewithaworriedexpressiononhisweatheredface.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER13
Hetriestoavoidthinkingaboutwhathe’ddotoherfatherifonlyitwouldn’tcausetheworstdiplomaticincidentofthecurrentcentury.
Anawasright:itisn’tthatdifficult,climbinguptotheroof,evenforsomeonewiththehand-eyecoordinationofaplatypus.
I.e.,me.
Ittakesmelessthanfifteensecondstogetthere,andit’svaguelyempowering,thewayIneverevenfeellikemybrainswillendupsplatteredintheplumbagoflowerbed.OnceI’msittingonthetiles,vaguelyuncomfortablebutnotwillingtoadmitit,Iclosemyeyesandbreathein,thenout,thenin,lettingthebreezeplaywithmyhair,welcomingthetickleofthenightsky.Thewaveswashgentlyovertheshore.Everyonceinawhile,somethingsplashesonthelake.Idon’tevenmindthebugs,Itellmyself.IfIpersevere,I’llbelieveit.That’swhatI’mfailingatwhenLowearrives.
Hedoesn’tnoticemerightaway,andIgettoobservehimashegracefullyliftshimselfuptheeave.Hestandsonanedgethatshouldbeterrifying,liftingahandtohiseyesandpressingthumbandindexfingersintothem,sohardhemustseestars.Thenheletshisarmdroptohissideandheexhalesonce,slowly.
This,Ithink,isLowe.NotLowetheAlpha,Lowethebrother,Lowethefriend,ortheson,ortheunfortunatehusbandoftheequallyunfortunatewife.Just:Lowe.Tired,Ithink.Lonely,Iassume.Angry,Ibet.AndIdon’twanttodisturbhisraremomentalone,butthebreezelifts,blowinginhisdirectionandcarryingmyscent.
Heinstantlyspinsaround.Tome.Andwhenhiseyesbecomeallpupils,Iliftmyhandandawkwardlywave.
“Anatoldmeabouttheroof,”Isay,apologetic.I’mintrudingonacherishedprivatemoment.“Icanleave…”
Heshakeshisheadstoically.Iswallowalaugh.
“Ifyousithere”—Ipointtomyright—“you’llbebetweenmeandthewind.Nobouillabaissesmell.”
Hislipstwitch,buthemakeshiswaytothespotIwaspointingat,hislargebodyfoldingnexttomine,farenoughtoavoidaccidentaltouches.“Whatdoyouevenknowaboutbouillabaisse?”
“Asit’snothemoglobinorpeanutbased,nothing.So.”Iclapmyhands.Thecicadasquiet,thenresumetheirsingingafteradisorientedpause.“TellmeifIgotitright:You’lluseyourmeetingwithEmeryasanexcusetoplantsomespywareorinterceptorthatwillallowyoutomonitorhercommunicationsandgainproofthatshe’sleadingtheLoyals.Butyouaregoingintoenemyterritoryalone,andhavethecomputerskillsofanoctogenarianLuddite,whichputsyouatgreatrisk.Actually,noneedtotellmeifI’mright,Ialreadyknow.Whenareyouplungingtoyourimminentdeath?TomorroworFriday?”
Hestudiesmelikehe’snotsurewhetherI’mabenchorapostmodernsculpture.Amuscletwitchesinhisjaw.“Itrulydon’tgetit,”hemuses.
“Getwhat?”
“Howyoumanagedtostayalivedespiteyourrecklessoutbursts.”
“Imustbeverysmart.”
“Orincrediblystupid.”
Oureyesclashforafewseconds,fullofsomethingthatfeelsmoreconfusingthanantagonism.Iglanceawayfirst.
Andjustsayit,withoutthinkingitthrough.“Takemewithyou.Letmehelpwiththetechpart.”
Hehuffsoutatired,noiselesssnort.“Justgotobed,Misery,beforeyougetyourselfkilled.”
“I’mnocturnal,”Imutter.“Littleoffensive,thatmyhusbanddoesn’tthinkIcantakecareofmyself.”
“Alotoffensive,thatmywifethinksthatI’dtakeherwithmeintoahighlyvolatilesituationwhereImightnotbeabletoprotecther.”
“Okay.Fine.”Iglancebackathim—hisearnest,stubborn,uncompromisingface.Inthefadingmoonlight,thelinesofhischeekbonesarereadytosliceme.“Youcan’tdoitonyourown,though.”
Hegivesmeanincredulouslook.“AreyoutellingmewhatIcanandcannotdo?”
“Oh,Iwouldnever,Alpha,”IsaywithamockingtonethatIonlyhalfregretwhenheglaresback.“Butyoucan’tevenstartacomputer.”
“Icanstartafuckingcomputer.”
“Lowe.Myfriend.Myspouse.You’reclearlyacompetentWerewithmanytalents,butI’veseenyourphone.I’veseenyouuseyourphone.HalfofyourgalleryisblurrypicturesofAnawithyourfingerblockingthecamera.Youtype‘Google’intheGooglebartostartanewsearch.”
Heopensthismouth.Thensnapsitclosed.
“Youwereabouttoaskmewhythat’sthewrongway.”
“You’renotcoming.”Histoneisdefinitive.Andwhenhemakestostand,drivenawaybymyinsistence,Ifeelastabofguiltandreachoutforthelegofhisjeans,pullinghimbackdown.HiseyesfixontheplacewhereI’mgrippinghim,butherelents.
“Sorry,I’llletthemattergo.”Fornow.“Please,don’tleave.I’msureyoucamehereto…Whatdoyoudohere,anyway?Scratchyourclaws?Howlatthemoon?”
“Defleamyself.”
“See?Iwouldn’twanttobeinyourway.Dogoon.”Iwaitforhimtopickcrittersoutofhishair.“Shouldn’tyoubesleeping,anyway?Youarenotnocturnal.”It’spastmidnight.Primeawaketimeforme,thecicadas,andnooneelseformiles.
“Idon’tsleepmuch.”
Right.Anasaidthat.Whenshementionedthathehad…“Insomnia!”
Hiseyebrowquirks.“Youseemoverjoyedbymyinabilitytogetdecentrest.”
“Yes.No.ButAnamentionedyouhadpneumonia,and…”
Hesmiles.“Shemixesupwordsoften.”
“Yup.”
“AccordingtoGoogle,whichIapparentlydon’tknowhowtouse”—hissidelookisblistering—“it’snormalforherage.”Helookspensiveforalongmomentashissmilesobers.
“Ican’timaginehowdifficultitmustbe.”
“Learningtotalk?”
“That,too.Butalso,raisingayoungchild.Outoftheblue.”
“Notasdifficultasbeingraisedbysomeassholewhodoesn’tknowtobuyacarseatforyou,orgivesyouSkittlesbeforebedbecauseyou’rehungry,orletsyouwatchTheExorcistbecausehe’sneverseenit,buttheprotagonistisayounggirl,andhefiguresthatyou’llidentifywithher.”
“Wow.SerenaandIwatchedthatatfifteenandsleptwiththelightsonformonths.”
“Anawatcheditatsixandwillneedexpensivetherapywellintoherforties.”
Iwince.“I’msorry.ForAna,mostly,butalsoforyou.Peopleusuallyeaseintoparenthood.We’renotbornknowinghowtochangediapers.”
“Ana’spotty-trained.Notbyme,obviously—I’dhavesomehowmanagedtoteachhertopissoutofhernose.”Herunsahandoverhisshorthairandthenrubshisneck.“Iwasunpreparedforher.Stillam.Andshe’ssofuckingforgiving.”
Irestmytempleonmyknees,studyingthewayhestaresintothedistance,wonderinghowmanynightshe’scomesuphereinthewitchinghour.Tomakedecisionsforthousands.Tobeathimselfupfornotbeingperfect.Despitehowcompetent,self-denying,andassuredheappearstobe,Lowemightnotlikehimselfverymuch.
“YouusedtoliveinEurope?Where?”
Heseemssurprisedbymyquestion.“Zurich.”
“Studying?”
Hisshouldersheavewithasigh.“Atfirst.Thenworking.”
“Architecture,right?Idon’tfullygetit.Buildingsarekindofboring.I’mgratefultheydon’tfallontopofmyhead,though.”
“Idon’tgethowonecantypestuffintoamachinealldayandnotbeterrifiedofarobotuprising.I’mgratefulforMarioKart,though.”
“Fairenough.”Ismileathistone,becauseit’sthepoutiestI’veeverheard.Imusthavefoundhistouchyspot.“Idolikethestyleofthishome,”Ivolunteermagnanimously.
“It’scalledbiomorphic.”
“Howdoyouknow?Youlearneditinschool?”
“That,andIdesigneditasapresentformymother.”
“Oh.”Wow.Iguesshe’snotjustanarchitect—he’sagoodarchitect.“Whenyoustudied,didyoudotheHumanthing?”Theirschoolsystemisoftentheonlyoption,simplybecausethere’smoreofthem,andtheyinvestineducationinfrastructure.InVampyresociety,andIassumeamongWeres,too,formaldegreesarenotworththepaperthey’reprintedon.Theskillsthatcomewiththem,however,arepriceless.Ifwewanttoacquirethem,wecreatefakeIDsandusethemtoenrollatHumanuniversities.Vampyrestendtotakeonlineclasses(becauseofthefangs,andthewholethird-degreeburnsinthesunlightthing).WeresareundetectabletoHumans’nakedeye,andcouldcomeandgofromtheirsocietymoreeasily,butHumanshaveinstalledtechnologythatsinglesoutfaster-than-normalheartbeatsandhigherbodytemperaturesinplentyofplaces.Honestly,I’mjustluckytheyneverexpectedVampyreswouldgotothetroubleoffilingtheirownfangsandneverdevelopedthesamedegreeofparanoiaaboutus.
“Zurichwasdifferent,actually.”
“Different?”
“WeresandHumanswereattendingopenly.AfewVampyres,too.Alllivinginthecity.”
“Wow.”Iknowthereareplaceslikethataroundtheworld,wherethelocalhistorybetweenthespeciesisnotsofraught,andlivingsidebyside,ifnottogether,isconsiderednormal.It’sstillhardtoimagine,though.“DidyouhaveaVampyregirlfriend?”Ipointatmyringfinger.“OnceyougoVamp,youcannevergoback,huh?”
Hegivesmealong-sufferinglook.“You’llbeastonishedtoheartheVampyresdidn’thangoutwithus.”
“Howsnobby.”Ifoldmyhandbackinmylap,butstartplayingwithmyweddingband.“WhyallthewaytoZurich?WereyouontherunfromRoscoe?”
“Ontherun?”Hischeeksstretchintoanamusedgrin.“Roscoewasneverathreat.Nottome.”
“That’sbraveofyou.Ornarcissistic.”
“Both,maybe,”heacknowledges.Thenquicklyturnsserious.“It’shardtoexplaindominancetosomeonewhodoesn’thavethehardwaretounderstandit.”
“Lowe,wasthatacomputermetaphor?”Igetanotherofthosedon’t-sass-melooks,andlaugh.“Comeon.Atleasttrytoexplainit.”
Heshakeshishead.“Ifyoumetsomeonewithoutanoseandhadtoexplaintothemwhatasmellfeelslike,whatwouldyoutellthem?”Helooksatmeexpectantly.AndIopenmymouthhalfadozentimes—onlytocloseitjustasmany,frustrated.“Yup.”Hedoesn’tevensoundtootold-you-so-y.“ItwaslikethatwithRoscoe.Hewasagrownadult,Iwasbarelypastpuberty,butIalwaysknewthathewasnevergoingtowinafightagainstme,andhealwaysknewit,andeveryoneinthepackknewit,too.AsmuchasIdespisehimnow,I’mthankfulthathegavemelongenoughwithoutareasontochallengehim.”
Withoutbecomingadespoticleader,hemeans.“Whatchangedhim?”
“Hardtosay.Hisviewsescalatedverysuddenly.”Helickshisfulllips,lookingfaraway,inthegripofamemory.“Igotthephonecallanddidn’tevenhavethetimetostopbymyapartmentonthewaytotheairport.Mymotherhadvocallyopposedaraid.Shewaswounded,andAnawasdefenseless.”
“Shit.”
“ItwaselevenhoursandfortyminutesfromthemomentIgotthephonecalluntilIpulledupCal’sdrivewayandfoundAnasobbinginMisha’sroom.”Histoneisemotionless,almostdisturbinglyso.“Iwasterrified.”
Ican’timagine.OrcanI?ThosefirstfewdaysafterSerenawasgone,andIwassofranticallypreoccupiedwithlookingforherthatitdidn’toccurtometobatheorfeeduntilmyheadpoundedandmybodywasfeverish.
“DidyouevergettogobacktoZurich?Topickupyourstuff?To…”Getclosure.Saygoodbyetothelifeyou’dbuilt.Maybeyouhadfriends,agirlfriend,afavoritetakeoutplace.Maybeyouusedtosleepininthemorning,ortakelongweekendtripstotravelaroundEuropeandcheckout…buildings,orsomething.Maybeyouhaddreams.Didyougobacktoretrievethose?
Heshakeshishead.“Mylandlordmailedacoupleofthings.Threwouttherest.”Hescratcheshisjaw.“Feelkindabadforleavingmydirtybreakfastdishesinthesink.”
Ichuckle.“It’skindofyourthing,isn’tit?”
“What?”Heturnstome.
“Blamingyourselfforbeinganythinglessthanperfect.”
“Ifyouwanttowashmydishes,byallmeans.”
“Shush.”Ilightlybumpmyshoulderintohis,likeIdowithSerenawhenshe’sbeingobtuse.Hestiffens,stillsinabreathlesssortoftensionforamoment,thenslowlyrelaxesasIpullaway.“So,thisdominancething.IsCalthesecondmostdominantWereinthepack?”Thissoundsforeign,likepickingwordsatrandom.Magneticfridgepoetry.
“We’renotamilitaryorganization.There’snostricthierarchywithinthepack.CaljusthappenstobesomeoneItrust.”
Can’tbemoredysfunctionalthanarbitrarycouncilswhosemembershipisestablishedthroughprimogeniture.AndHumanselectleaderslikeGovernorDavenport.Clearly,there’snoperfectsolutionhere.“Didhealsohavetochallengesomeonetobecomeasecond?MaybeKenDoll?”
“It’sfuckedupthatIknowwhoyou’rereferringto.”
Ichuckle.“Hey,hehasneverintroducedhimself.”
“Ludwig.HisnameisLudwig.Andourpackhasoveradozenseconds,whoarechosenwithintheirhuddlethroughacaucussystem.”
“Huddle?”
“It’sawebofinterconnectedfamilies.Usuallygeographicallyclose.EachsecondreportstotheAlpha.AfterRoscoe,newsecondswereelected,whichmeansthatmostofthemareasnewtothisasIam.Mickistheonlyonewhokepthisposition.”
“Youmean,theonlyonewhodidn’ttrytokillyou?”
“Yup.”Hislaughcouldbebitter,butitisn’t.“Heandhismatewereclosefriendsofmymother’s.Shannonusedtobeasecond,too.”
“Didyoukillher?”Iask,conversationally,andhe’ssogonnapushmeofftheroof.
“Misery.”
“It’safairquestion,givenyourprecedents.”
“No,Ididnotkillthemateofthemanwhousedtochangemydiapers.”Hemassageshistemple.“Hell,theybothdid.Theytaughtmehowtoridebikesandtrackprey.”
“Whathappenedtoher?”
“Shediedtwoyearsago,duringaconfrontationattheeasternborder.WithHumans,wethink.”Heswallows.“SodidMick’sson.Hewassixteen.”
Notsomethingmypeoplewouldbeabove,butIstillflinch.“Thatexplainswhyhealwaysseemssomelancholic.”
“Hesmellslikegrief.Allthetime.”
“Well,he’smyfavoriteWere.”Ihugmyknees.“He’salwayssonicetome.”
“That’sbecausehehasaweaknessforbeautifulwomen.”
“Whatdoesthathavetodowithme?”
“Youknowwhatyoulooklike.”
Ilaughsoftly,surprisedbythebackhandedcompliment.
“Whydoyoualwaysdothat?”heasks.
“Dowhat?”
“Whenyoulaugh,youcoveryourlipswithyourhand.Oryoudoitwithyourmouthclosed.”
Ishrug.Iwasn’taware,butI’mnotsurprised.“Isn’titobvious?”It’snot,judgingbyhispuzzledlook.“Okay.I’mgoingtobesupervulnerablewithyou.”Itakeadeep,theatricalbreath.Steeplemyhands.“Youmaynotknowthisaboutme,butI’mnotlikeyou.I’mactuallyanotherspecies,called—”
“Misery.”Hishandcomesuptosnatchmywrist.Mybreathcatchesinmythroat.“Whydoyouhideyourfangs?”
“You’retheonewhotoldmeto.”
“Iaskedyounottorespondtoanactofaggressionwithanotheractofaggression,toavoidcominghomeandfindingmywifetorntopieces—andsomeonetorninevensmallerpiecesnexttoher.”Hishandisstillaroundmywrist.Warm.Abittighter.Histouchflustersme.“Thisisdifferent.”
Isit?Wouldyounottearmeintopieces?
“Comeon,Lowe.”Ifreemyarmandcradleittomychest.“Youknowwhatmyteetharelike.”
“Comeon,Misery,”hemocks.“Idoknow,andthat’swhyIdon’tgetwhyyouhidethem.”
Westareateachotherlikewe’replayingagameandtryingtomaketheotherlose.“Wantmetoshowyou?”I’mtryingtoprovokehim,buthejustnodssolemnly.
“I’dliketoknowwhatwe’redealingwith,yeah.”
“Now?”
“Unlessyouneedspecifictools,orhaveapreviousengagement.Isitbathtime?”
“Youwanttoseemyfangs.Now.”
Hislookisvaguelypitying.
“It’sjust…”I’mnotsurewhat’ssoconcerningabouttheideaofhimseeingthem.MaybeI’mjustrememberingbeingnine,andthewaymyHumancaregiversalwaysstoppedsmilingthesecondIbegan.Adriver,makingthesignofthecross.Amillionotherincidentsthroughtheyears.OnlySerenaneverminded.“Isthisatrap?Areyoulookingforanexcusetowatchmyentrailsfertilizetheplumbago?”
“Wouldbehighlyinefficient,sinceIcouldjustpushyouandnooneinmypackwouldquestionme.”
“Whatabeautifulflex.”
Hemakesashowofhidinghishandsbehindhisback.“I’mharmless.”
He’sasharmlessasalandmine.Hecoulddestroyentiregalaxieswithasternlookandagrowl.“Fine,butifyourwolfysensibilitiesarerepulsedbymyvampyrictusks,rememberyouaskedforit.”
I’munsurehowtoinitiateit.Snarling,pullingmyupperlipbackwithmyfingerslikeHumandentistsdointoothbrushcommercials,bitingintohishandforanapplieddemonstration—allseemimpractical.SoIsimplysmile.Whenthecoldairhitsmycanines,mylizardbrainscreamsatmethatI’mcaught.I’mfoundout.I’m…
Fine,actually.
Lowe’spupilssplayout.Hestudiesmycanineswithhisusualunalloyedattention,withoutrecoilingortryingtoeatme.Littlebylittle,mysmileshiftsintosomethingsincere.Meanwhile,helooks.
Andlooks.
And:looks.
“Areyouokay?”Myvoicesnapshimbackintohisbody.Hisgruntisvague,notquiteaffirmative.
“Andyoudon’t…”Heclearshisthroat.“Usethem?”
“What?Oh,myfangs.”Irunmytongueovermyrightone,andLowecloseshiseyesandthenturnsaway.Eithertoogross,orhe’sscared.PoorlittleAlpha.“Weallfeedfrombloodbags,withveryfewexceptions.”
“Whatexceptions?”
Ishrug.“Feedingfromalivingsourceiskindofoutdated,mostlybecauseit’sahugehassle.Idothinkthatmutualblooddrinkingissometimesincorporatedintosex,butrememberhowIwascastoutasachildandamuniversallyknownforbeingaterribleVampyre?”IshouldforceOwentoexplainthenuancesofittome,but…ugh.It’snotlikeIplantogetthatclosetoanotherVampyre,ever.“I’mnotgoingtobiteyou,Lowe.Don’tworry.”
“I’mnotworried.”Hesoundshoarse.
“Good.SonowthatI’veshownyoumyfearsomeweapons,you’lltakemetoEmery’swithyou?Itis,afterall,thehoneymoonyouoweyourbride.Pleasuredoingbusinesswithyou.I’llgopack,and—”Imaketostand,buthishandsnatchesmebackdown.
“Nicetry.”
Isighandleanbackward,wincingwhenthetilespressintomyspine.Thestarscrowdthesky,driftusintoamomentofsilence.“Wanttoknowasecret?”Iask,weary.“SomethingIthoughtI’dneveradmittoanyone.”
Onearmbrushesagainstmythighashetwiststolookatme.“I’msurprisedyou’dwanttotellme.”
Iam,too.ButI’vecarrieditsotirelessly,andthenightfeelssosoft.“SerenaandIhadahugefightafewdaysbeforeshedisappeared.Thebiggestever.”Loweremainsquiet.WhichisexactlywhatIneedfromhim.“Wefoughtplenty,mostlyabouttrivialshit,sometimesoverstuffthattookusabittocooldown.Wegrewuptogetherandwereatourmostannoyingwitheachother—youknow,sisters?Shespatintothepocketsofthecaretakerswhoweremeantome,andIreadsmuttybookstoherwhileshewassosicksheneededIVdrips.ButalsoIhatedthatsometimesshejustwouldn’tpickupherphonefordays,andshehatedthatIcouldbeastone-heartedbitch,Iguess.Thatlastfightwehad,wewerebothfuming,after.Andthenshenevershoweduptohelpmeputontheduvetcover,despiteknowingthatit’sthesinglehardestthingintheuniverse.Andnowthethingsshesaidkeepcirclinginmyhead.Likesharksthathaven’tbeenfedinmonths.”
Ican’tseeLowe’sexpressionfromdownhere.Whichisideal.“Andwhatdothesharkssay?”
“Shegotarecruiterfromthisreallycoolcompanyinterestedinme.Itwasagoodjob—somethingchallenging.Somethingonlyadozenpeopleinthecountrycoulddo.AndshekepttellingmehowperfectI’dbeforit,whatanopportunityitwas,andIjustcouldn’tseethepoint,youknow?Yes,itwasamoreinterestingjob,withmoremoney,butIkeptwondering,why?WhywouldIbother?What’stheendgoal?AndIaskedher,andshe…”Itakeadeepbreath.“SaidthatIwasaimless.ThatIdidn’tcareaboutanythingoranyone,includingmyself.ThatIwasstatic,headednowhere,wastingmylife.AndItoldherthatitwasn’ttrue,thatIdidcareaboutstuff.ButIjust…Icouldn’tnameanything.Exceptforher.”
thisapatheticspiralofyours,Misery.Imean,Igetit,youspentthefirsttwodecadesofyourlifeexpectingtodie,butyoudidn’t.You’reherenow.Youcanstartliving!
Dude,you’renotmymotherormytherapist,soI’mnotsurewhatgivesyoutherightto—
Iamoutthere,trying.Ihadafucked-uplife,too,butI’mdating,tryingtogetabetterjob,havinginterests—you’rejustwaitingfortimetopass.Youareahusk.AndIneedyoutocareaboutonesinglefuckingthing,Misery,onethingthat’snotme.
Thesharksgnawattheinnerwallsofmyskull,andIwon’tbeabletomakethemstopuntilIfindSerena,butinthemeantime,Icandistractthem.“Anyway.”Isitupwithasmile.“SinceIsoselflesslyopenedmyhearttoyou,willyoutellmesomething?”
“That’snothow—”
“Whatthehellisamate,precisely?”
Lowe’sfacedoesn’tmoveamillimeter,butIknowthatIcouldfillaBabeltowerofnotebookswithhowlittlehewantstohavethisconversation.“Noway.”
“Why?”
“No.”
“Comeon.”
Hisjawworks.“It’saWerething.”
“Hence,measkingyoutoexplain.”BecauseIsuspectthatit’snotjusttheWereequivalentofmarriage,oracivilunion,orthesteadycommitmentthatcomeswithsharingmonthlypaymentstomultipleoverpricedstreamingservicesoneforgottodiscontinue.
“No.”
“Lowe.Comeon.You’vetrustedmewithfarbiggersecrets.”
“Ah,fuck.”Hegrimacesandrubshiseyes,andIthinkIwon.
“IsitanotherthingIdon’thavethehardwarefor?”
Henods,andalmostseemssadaboutit.
“Iunderstoodthewholedominancething.”Wereallymadesomestridesinthepastfifteenminutes.“Givemeachance.”
Heturnstome.Suddenlyhefeelsalittletooclose.“Giveyouachance,”herepeats,unreadable.
“Yeah.Thewholerival-species-bound-by-centuries-of-hostility-until-the-bloody-demise-of-the-weakest-will-put-an-end-to-the-senseless-sufferingthingmightseemdiscouraging,but.”
“But?”
“Nobuts.Justtellme.”
Hislipsquirkintoasmile.“Amateis…”Thecicadasquiet.Wecanonlyhearthewaves,gentlylappingintothenight.“Whoyouaremeantfor.Whoismeantforyou.”
“AndthisisauniquelyWereexperiencethatdiffersfromHumanhighschoolerswritinglyricsoneachother’syearbooksbeforeheadingtoseparatecolleges…how?”
Imightbeculturallyoffensive,buthisshrugisgood-natured.“I’veneverbeenaHumanhighschooler,andtheexperienceofitmightbesimilar.Thebiology,ofcourse,isanothermatter.”
“Thebiology?”
“Thereare…physiologicalchangesinvolvedwithmeetingone’smate.”He’schoosinghiswordswithcircumspection.Hidingsomething,maybe.
“Loveatfirstsight?”
Heshakeshishead,evenashesays,“Inaway,maybe.Butit’samultisensoryexperience.I’veneverheardofsomeonerecognizingtheirmatejustbysight.”Hewetshislips.“Scentisabigpartofit,andtouch,butthere’smore.Ittriggerschangesinsidethebrain.Chemicalones.Sciencearticleshavebeenwrittenaboutit,butIdoubtI’dunderstandthem.”
I’dlovetogetmyhandsonWereacademicjournals.“EveryWerehasone?”
“Amate?No.It’sfairlyrare.MostWeresdon’texpecttofindone,andit’sbynomeanstheonlywaytohaveafulfillingromanticrelationship.Cal,forexample,isveryhappy.Hemethiswifeonadatingapp,andtheywentthroughyearsofpushandpullbeforegettingmarried.”
“Sohesettled?”
“Hewouldn’tconsideritthat.Beingmatesisnotasuperiorkindoflove.It’snotintrinsicallymorevaluablethanspendingyourlifewithyourbestfriendandgettingtolovetheirquirks.It’sjustdifferent.”
“Iftheyaresohappy,couldhiswifebehismate?Couldhehaveoverlookedthesignalswhenhemether?”
“No.”Hestaresatthemoonlitwater.“Whenwewereyoung,IwastherewhenKoen’ssistermethermate.Wewereonarun.Shesmelledher,suddenlywentrealstillinthemiddleofthefield.Ithoughtshewashavingastroke.”Hesmiles.“Shesaidthatitfeltlikediscoveringnewcolors.Liketherainbowhadgainedafewstripes.”
Iscratchmytemple.“Itsoundslikeagoodthing.”
“It’s…reallygood.Notalwaysthesame,though,”hemurmurs,asifhe’stalkingtohimself.Processingthingsthroughhisexplanations.“Sometimesit’sjustagutfeeling.Somethingthatgrabsyoubythestomachanddoesn’tletgo,notever.World-shaking,yes,butalsojust…there.New,buttimeless.”
“That’showyoufelt?Withyourmate?”
Thistimeheturnstolookatme.Idon’tknowwhyittakeshimsolongtoproducethatsimple:
“Yeah.”
God.Thisisjusttotal,uttershit.
Lowehasamate,whichisapparentlyamazing.Buthismateisstuckamongmypeoplewhilehe’smarriedtome
“I’msosorry,”Iblurtout.
Hisgazeiscalm.Toocalm.“Youshouldn’tbesorry.”
“IcanbesorryifIwantto.Icanapologize.Icanprostratemyselfand—”
“Whyareyouapologizing?”
“Because.InayearatthemostI’mgoingtopeaceout.”Hiswell-beingisnotmyresponsibility,butalreadysomuchhasbeentakenfromhim—andswiftlyexchangedwithbricksofduty.“You’llbeabletobewithyourmate,andyou’lllivebitinglyeverafter.There’sbitinginvolved,right?”
“Yeah.Thebiteis..”Hisgazeflickersdowntomyneck.Lingers.“Important.”
“Itlookspainful.Mick’s,Imean.”
“No,”hehusks,eyesonme.Mypulseflickers.“Notifit’sdoneright.”
Hemusthaveoneonhisbody.Asecretburiedintohisskin,underthesoftcottonofhisT-shirt.Andhemusthaveleftoneonhismate,araisedscartoguidehimhome,tobetracedinthemiddleofthenight.
Andthensomethingoccurstome.Apetrifyingpossibility.
“It’salwaysreciprocal,right?”
“Thebite?”
“Thematething.Ifyoumeetsomeone,andyoufeelthattheyareyourmate,andyourbiologychanges…theirswillchange,too,right?”Idon’tneedaverbalanswer,becauseIseeinhisstoic,forbearingexpressionthatnoNope.“Oh,shit.”
I’mnoromantic,buttheprospectisappalling.Theideathatonemightbedestinedtosomeonewhojust…won’t.Can’t.Doesn’t.Allthefeelingsintheworld,butone-sided.Uncomprehendedandunbound.Abridgebuiltofchemistryandphysicsthatstopshalfway,nevertopickupagain.
Thefallwouldbreakeverylastbone.
“Itsoundsfuckinghorrible.”
Henodsthoughtfully.“Doesit?”
“It’salifesentence.”Noparole.Justyouandacellmatewho’llneverknowyouexist.
“Maybe.”Lowe’sshoulderstenseandrelax.“Maybethereissomethingdevastatingabouttheincompletenessofit.Butmaybe,justknowingthattheotherpersonisthere…”Histhroatbobs.“Theremightbepleasureinthat,too.Thesatisfactionofknowingthatsomethingbeautifulexists.”Hislipsopenandcloseafewtimes,asthoughhecanonlyfindtherightwordsbyshapingthemfirsttohimself.“Maybesomethingstranscendreciprocity.Maybenoteverythingisabouthaving.”
Iletoutadisbelievinglaugh.“Suchwisdom,fromsomeonewhosematingisclearlyreciprocated.”
“Yeah?”He’samused—andsomethingelse.
“Noonewhohaseverdealtwithunrequitedlovewouldsaythat.”
Hissmileissecretive.“Isthathowyourlovehasbeen?Unrequited?”
“Therehasbeennoloveatall.”Irestmychinovermyknees.It’smyturnnowtostareattheshimmerylake.“IamaVampyre.”
“Vampyresdon’tlove?”
“Notlikethat.Wedefinitelydon’ttalkaboutthisstuff.”
“Relationships?”
“Feelings.We’renotraisedtoputawholelotofvalueinthat.We’retaughtthatwhatmattersisthegoodofthemany.Thecontinuationofthespecies.Therestcomesafter.Atleast,that’showIunderstoodit—Igraspmypeople’scustomsverylittle.Serenawouldaskmewhat’snormalinVampyresociety,andIcouldn’ttellher.WhenItriedtogobackafterbeingtheCollateral,itwas…”Iflinch.“Ididn’tknowhowtobehave.ThewayIspoketheTonguewaschoppy.Ididn’tgetwhatwasgoingon,youknow?”Yes,hedoes.Icantell.
“IsthatwhyyouwentbacktotheHumans?”
“Ithurtless,”Isayinsteadofyes.“Feelingaloneamongpeoplewhowereneversupposedtobemyown.”
Hesighsanddrawsuphisknees,handsclaspedbetweenthem.Athoughtvibratesthroughme:righthere,rightnow,Idon’tfeelparticularlyalone.
“You’reright,Lowe.Idon’thavethehardwaretounderstandwhatamateis,andIcan’timaginemeetingsomeoneandfeelingthesenseofkinshipyou’retalkingabout.But…”Iclosemyeyesandthinkbackfifteenyears.Acaregiverknockedonmydoorandintroducedmetoadark-hairedgirlwithdimplesandblackeyes.ThebreathIdrawisstymied.“Iwasabletoinstallthesoftware.BecauseSerenagaveittome.AndmaybeIdisappointedherattimes,maybeshewasangryatme,butthatmeansnothinginthebigpicture.Iunderstandthatyou’rewillingtofaceEmeryonyourown,ortosacrificeeverythingforyourpack.IunderstandbecauseIfeelthesameaboutSerena.AndforreasonsIcannotfullyarticulate,becausefeelingsarefuckinghardforme,I’dliketocomewithyou.TohelpyoufindwhoeveristryingtohurtAna.AndIthinkthatSerenawouldbeproudofme,becauseI’vefinallymanagedtocareaboutsomething.Evenjustalittlebit.”
Hestudiesmeinthemoonlitairforfartoolong.“Thatwasabadassspeech,Misery.”
“Badassismymiddlename.”
“YourmiddlenameisLyn.”
Shit.“Stopreadingmyfile.”
“Never.”Heinhales.Tipsbackhishead.StaresatthesamestarsI’vebeenmappingallnight.“Ifwedoit—ifItakeyouwithme,itwillhavetobemyway.Tomakesurethatyou’resafe.”
Myheartflutterswithhope.“What’syourway?Architecturally?WithaCorinthianpilaster?”
I’mnotfunny.Butneitherishe.
“Ifyoucomewithme,Misery,you’llhavetobemarked.”
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER14
Shetastesthewayshesmells.
Iexpectedatwenty-hourroadtripinthehybridparkedinLowe’sgarage,ormaybeashorterplanerideineconomyclasswithcottondiscreetlystuffedinmynosetoavoidbeingbombardedwiththesmellofHumanblood.
IdidnotexpectaCessna.
“Honey,”Iask,loweringmysunglassestothetipofmynose,“arewerich?”
Hisglanceisonlymildlyblistering.“We’rejustbannedfrommostHuman-ownedairlines,darling.”
“Oh,right.That’swhyI’veneverflownbefore.It’sallcomingbacktome.”
It’shardtooverstatehowlittleMick,Cal,andKenDollLudwiglikeLowe’sdecisiontotakehisVampyrebridetoEmery’shome.Inthewaninglightofdusk,theypracticallythrobwithtenseconcernandunspokenobjections.
Orspoken,maybe.Isleptmostoftheday,andit’sentirelypossiblethatwhileIwasstuffedintheclosetformymiddaycoma,theywentthroughseveralroundsofscreamingmatches.I’mgladtohavemissedthem,andjustasgladthatmytimeawakehasbeenspentorganizingtechstuffwithAlex.
“IfsomeonetriestokillLowe,”hetoldme,showingmeaUSBRubberDucky,“it’syourdutytogiveyourlifeforyourAlpha.”
“I’mnotfull-bodydivingbetweenhimandasilverbullet.”IheldtheGSMinterceptoragainstthelighttostudyit.Nifty.“Orwhateverittakesforyouguystobekilled.”
“Justaregularbullet.Andifyoumarryintoapack,thepack’sAlphabecomesyourAlpha.YoumarryanAlpha,hemostdefinitelybecomesyourAlpha.”
“Uh-huh,sure.CanIseethatmicrocontrolleroverthere?”
I’mnotsadAlexdidn’tcomeseeusoffatthelittleexecutiveairport,becausetheothersexudeenoughexistentialangst.Tight-lipped,bouncer-posed,frowny.MickrepeatedlyshakeshisheadwhileholdingSparkleslikeaburpingchild—because,yes:Sparklesis,accordingtosomeonewho’sbeenscoldedmultipletimesinthepasttwohoursforstuffingPlay-Dohintooutlets,“avaluedfamilymember”who“reallylovestowatchplanesgowhooosh.”Junoistheleastopposedtotheop,whichisniceofher.Therealhappycamper,however,isAna,andonlybecauseofthepromisessheextractedfromLowe:presents,candy,and,inarequiredlogisticaleffortthatfaroverestimateshisabilities,stealinganLfromtheHollywoodSign.
“LforLiliana,”shewhispersatmeconspiratorially,becauseherfaithinmyalphabetskillsisshakyatbest.ThensheskipsawaytosubjectSparklestounspeakablecuddlythingsthathavehimpurringhisheartout,butwouldearnmepermanentdisfigurement.
“Let’sgo,”Lowetellsmeafterbendingdowntokissherforehead.Ifollowhimupthesteps,wavingbackatAnabeforedisappearinginside.Itlookslesslikeaonepercenter’sluxuryjet,andmorelikeacrossbetweenanicelivingroomandfirstclassonanAmtraktrain.
“IsthepilotWere?”Iask,followingLowetothefrontoftheplane.It’snotaparticularlycrampedspace,butwe’rebothtall,andit’satightfit.
“Yup.”Heopensthedoortothecockpit.
“Who—”
Ishutupwhenhelowershimselfintothepilotseat.Hepressesbuttonswithquick,practicedmovements,putsonalargepairofheadphones,andtalkstoairtrafficcontrolinhushedtones.
“Oh,forfuck’ssake.”Irollmyeyes.I’mtemptedtoaskwhen,betweenleadingapackandbecominganarchitect,hegotasmallaircraftlicense.ButIsuspecthewantsmeto,andI’mtoopettytooblige.“Show-off,”Imutter,bumpingmyrighthipintohalfadozenprotuberancesonmywaytothecopilotchair.
Hissmileislopsided.“Strapin.”
Likeeverythingelse,Lowemakesflyinglookeffortless.Beinginagiantmetallicbirdintheskyshouldbeterrifying,butIpressmynoseagainstthecoldwindowandgazeatthenightsky,thesprawlinglightsinterruptedbylongstretchesofdesert.Ionlyreemergewhenwegetpermissiontoland.
“Misery,”hesays,softly.
“Mmm?”Fromuphigh,theoceanisunmoving.
“Whenweland,”hestarts,thentakesalongpause.
Solong,Iprymyselffromthecoldglass.“Ouch.”I’mstifffromnotmovingforhours,soIstretchmyneckinthenarrowcabin,tryingtoavoidaccidentallypressinganejectorseatbutton.“Everythinghurts.”WhenIstraightenafterarchingmyspine,thewayhe’sstaringatmeistoointensetonotbejudgmental.“What?”Iask,defensive.
“Nothing.”Heturnsbacktothecontrolboard.Toofast.
“Yousaid,‘whenweland’?”
“Yeah.”
“Yourealizethat’snotasentence,right?Justatemporalsubordinateclause.”
Hiseyebrowlifts.“You’realinguistnow?”
“Justahelpfulcritic.Whathappenswhenweland?”
Heroamstheinsideofhischeekwithhistongue.
“Areyougoingtotellme?”
Henods.“IneedtosendEmeryandherpeoplethemessagethatyou’repartofmypackandnoviolenceagainstyouwillbetolerated.Notjusttheverbalmessage.”
“Yousaidyou’ddothatbymarkingme,right?”Whateverthatis.Theblinkinglightsinthelandingstripareapproaching,andtheturbulenceismakingmenauseous.IshiftmyfocustoLowe.“Idon’tneedtospeed-readArchitectureforDummiesandpretendIcantellGothicandartdecoapart?”
Heturnstome,stone-faced.“You’rejoking.”
“Pleaselookahead.”
“Youcan,right?Youareabletotellapart—”
“Husband,darling,deepinsideyouknowtheanswertothat,andpleaselookattheroadwhenyou’relandingaplane.”
Heturnsback.“It’saboutscents,”hesays,clearlyforcinghimselftochangethetopic.
“Ofcourse.Whatisn’t?”He’sbeenachamp.Hedoesn’tseemtoreacttomyscentanymore.Maybeit’sallthebaths.Maybehe’sgettingusedtome,likeSerenawhenshelivedbythefishmarket.Bythetimeherleasewasending,shefoundtheeggynessalmostcomforting.
“Ifwesmellthesame,it’llsendthatmessage.”
“Doesitmeanyoushouldbesmellinglikedogbreath?”Ijoke.
“I’mgoingtodothat.”Hisvoiceisraspy.
“Todowhat?”
“Makeyousmelllike”—theplanetouchesdownwithagracefulbump—“me.”
Myhandstightenaroundthearmrestsasweracedowntherunway.I’mhorror-stricken,scenariosofussplatteredagainstthebuildingattheendofthestripbloominginmybrain.Littlebylittle,weslowdown—andlittlebylittle,Lowe’swordssettlelikedust.
“Likeyou?”
Henods,busywithsomefinalmaneuvers.Inoticeasmallgroupofpeoplegatheredbythehangar.Emery’swelcomingcommittee,readytoslaughterus.
“That’sfine.Dowhatyouwantwithmybody,”Isayabsently,tryingtoguesswhichoneofthemismorelikelytothrowacloveofgarlicatme.“Fairwarning,SerenaoftenbitchesabouthowgrossandcoldIfeel.Thosethreedegreesmakeallthedifference.”
“Misery.”
“Seriously,Idon’tcare.Dowhatever.”
Themaneuveringisover.HeunbucklesandassessestheWereswaitingforus.There’sfiveofthem,andtheylooktall.Thenagain:soamI.AndsoisLowe.
“Iftheyattackus—”
“Theywon’t,”heinterruptsme.“Notnow.”
“Butiftheydo,Icanhelp—”
“Iknow,butIcantakethemonmyown.Comeon,wedon’thavemuchtime.”Hetakesmebythewrist,pullingmeintothemainsittingarea,whichislargerthanthecabin,buttoosmallforthewaywe’restandinginfrontofeachother.“I’mgoingto—”
“Dowhatever.”IcranemyneckpasthimtocatchaglimpseoftheWeresthroughtheportholes.Someareactuallyinwolfform.
“Misery.”
“Justhurryand—”
“Misery.”Ijoltbacktohimatthecommandinhisvoice.There’sanangryVbetweenhisbrows.“Ineedyourexplicitconsent.”
“Forwhat?”
“I’mgoingtoscentyouthetraditionalWereway.Itentailsrubbingmyskinagainstyours.Mytongue,too.”
Oh.Oh.
Somethingelectric,liquid,poolsinsidemybody.IdealwithittheonlywayIcan:bylaughing.“Seriously?”
Henods,asseriousasquicksand.
“Likeawetwilly?”
Hishandliftstomyneck.
Stops.
“MayItouchyou?”He’saskingforpermission,butthere’snothinginsecureortentativeaboutit.Inod.“Wereshavescentglands—here.”Hebrushesthepadofhisthumbagainstthehollowontheleftsideofmythroat.“Here.”Therightside.“Andhere.”Hishandwrapsaroundmyneck,palmflushagainstmynape.“Yourwrists,too.”
“Ah.”Iclearmythroat.Andresisttheurgetosquirm,becauseI’mfeeling…Ihavenoidea.It’sthewayhelooksatme.Hispale,piercingeyes.“Thisisa,um,fascinatinganatomylecture,but—Oh,shit.Thegreenmarkings,atourwedding!ButI—”
“Youdon’thavescentglands,”hesays,likeI’mmorepredictablethantaxes,“butyoudohavepulsepoints,whereyourbloodpumpsclosertothesurface,andtheheat—”
“—willaugmentthescent.I’mfamiliarwiththewholebloodthing.”
Henodsandholdsmyeyesexpectantly,untilheunderstandsthatIhavenocluewhathe’swaitingfor.“Misery.DoIhaveyourpermission?”
Icouldsayno.IknowthatIcouldsaynoandhe’dprobablyjustfindanotherwaytoprotectme—ordietrying,becausehe’sthatkindofguy.Andmaybethat’sexactlywhyInodandclosemyeyes,thinkingthatitwon’tbeabigdeal.
Which,Isoonrealize,mightnotbethecase.
Itstartswithheat,driftingovermeasheshiftscloser.Thefaint,pleasantscentofhisbloodclimbingintomynostrils.Afterthat,histouch.Firsthishandonmyjaw,holdingmestill,anglingmyheadtotheright,andthen…hisnose,Ithink.Nuzzlingdownthecolumnofmythroat,movingbackandforthovertheplacewheremybloodflowsthestrongest.Heinhalesonce.Again,deeper.Thentravelsbackup,thescratchofhisjawticklingmyflesh.
“Okay?”heasksinalowrumble.
Inod.Yes.It’sokay.Morethanokay,thoughIwouldn’tbeabletoqualifyhow,orwhy.An“I’msorry”stumblesoutofmymouth.
“Sorry?”Thewordvibratesthroughmyskin.
“Because.”Mykneesarebuckling,soIlockthem.IstillfeellikeImightlosemybearings,soIblindlyreachup.FindLowe’sshoulder.Graspitfordearlife.“Iknowyoudon’tlikemyscent.”
“Ifuckingloveyourscent.”
“Sothebathsdidwork—Oh.”
Whenhesaidtongue,Iexpected…Notthathislipswouldpartatthebaseofmythroat,andthenasoft,drawn-outlick.Becausethisfeelslikeakiss.LikeLoweMorelandiskissingmyneck,slowly.Grazingitwithhisteethandfinishingoffwithalightnibble.
Inearlymoan.Butatthelastmoment,Imanagetoswallowbackinsidemybodythewhimpery,throatysound,and…
God.Whydoeswhathe’sdoingfeelsophenomenallygood?
“Isthisasweirdforyouasitisforme?”Iask,tryingtomakelightofthefluttersofpleasureinmystomach.Becausethisthingspreadinglikespilledwaterbelowmynavel,it’sarousal,anditcouldexplodeintowildfireveryfast.Itmakesmethinkofbloodandtouchingandmaybefucking,andasthingsarehappeningtomybody,I’mterrifiedthathe’llbeabletosmellthem.
Smellme
“No,”hegrowls.
“But—”
“It’snotweird.”Loweliftshisheadfrommyneck.I’msoclosetobegginghimtocomebackanddoitsomemore,buthe’sjustswitchingsides,andIalmostyelpinrelief.Thistime,hispalmcradlestheentirebackofmyhead,andforafewmomentshethumbsthetipofmyear,exhalingslowly,reverently,likemybodyisaprecious,beautifulthing.“It’sperfect,”hesays,andthenhismouthlowersagain.
Firstadelicatebiteonmyearlobe.Thentheswipeofhistongueatthebaseofmyjaw.Last,rightasI’mthinkingthatthisisdifferentfromwhatIthoughtscentingwouldbe,hemovestothebottomofmythroatandsucks
Hegrunts.
Igasp.
Webothletoutstaggeredbreathsasmyhandcreepsuptopresshisfacedeeperintome.Hepullsgentlyatmyskin,open-mouthed,andthestimulationislikeelectricity,floodingmewithwarmth.Weres’bodytemperatureismuchhigherthanVampyres’,andhisbodyisascantinchofairandpossibilitiesaway,andtheheatofhim…
Mybreastsache,nippleshardasgems,andIwanttoarchintohim.Iwantcontactandfleshandskin.Loweissolid,andIfeelsosoft,andhisthunderingheartbeat—hisdeliciousbeatingheart—isahazy,indescribablewonderpullingmetohim.Isquirminhisarms,tryingtopressagainsthim,rubjustalittle,butno.
BecauseLowepullsback.Hishandclosesonmyshoulder,spinningmearounduntilI’mfacingawayfromhim.MybreathcatchesasIclaspaheadrestforbalance
“Okay?”heasks,wrappinghisfingersaroundthebaseofmythroat.IsayyesasfastasIcan,wellbeforethewordisfullyoutofhismouth,andhedoesn’twastetime,either:heliftsawaytheheavymassofmyhair.Clutchesmyhipsinhispalm.Pressesmybodyagainsthis.
Andoncehehasmehowhewantsme,hebendsdown.
Histeethclosearoundthebackofmyneck,hardthistime,andIamfloodedwithafilthy,instantkindofpleasure.ThecrythatImanagedtoleashearlierburnsoutofmythroat.There’spressureinsideme,heady,scalding,andIcan’tbearforittogrow.Lowe’shandtravelsdowntomystomach,settlingmemoretightlyagainsthim.Thecurveofmyassfindshisgroin,andheletsoutasatisfied,gutturalsoundthatjoltsmynerveendings
Mybloodsings.Myearsroar.I’mmelting.
“Fuck,”hemouths.Herunshistongueovertheknobatthetopofmyspineonelasttime,asiftosoothethestingofhisbite,andsuddenlyI’mcold.Shivering.WhenIturn,he’sstandingseveralfeetawayfromme,eyespitch-black.
Theroarinmyearsisgettinglouder—becauseitwasn’tinmyearsatall.Acarisdrivingacrossthetarmac,towardourplane.
Emery.
“I’msorry.”Lowesoundslikearakehasrunthroughhisvocalbox.Hisfingerstwitchathisside,areflex.Likemyhandlingeringonthedampspotatthebaseofmythroat.
“I…”Myhandshiftstomassagemynape.Icanstillfeelhistouch.“Thatwas…”
“I’msorry,”herepeats.
Myfangsache,itch,wantlikeneverbefore.Itracethemwithmytonguetoensuretheyaren’tonfire,andLowewatchesmedoit,everysecondofit,lipsparting.Hetakesasmall,involuntarysteptowardme,thenretreatsagain,appalledathislackofcontrol.
Thismightbenewtome,andImaynotbeaWere,butwhateverjusthappenedbetweenuswentbeyondletmedisguiseyourealquickandstraightintosomethingdifferent.
Somethingsexual.
AndifIknowit,thereisnowayhedoesn’t.
“Lowe.”Weshouldtalkaboutthis.Ornevermentionitagain.
Thewayhe’slooking,he’soptingforthelatter.“I’mdone,”hesaystohimself,eyesglassy.“It’sdone.”
“Isitbetter?”
Hislipspresstogether.Asthoughthereisaflavorhewantstoholdinhismouthamomentlonger.“Better?”
“Mysmell.DoIsmelllike…?”
“Mine.”It’sarumbleinhisthroat.“Yousmelllikeyou’remine,Misery.”
Somethingchargedshimmersthroughmybody.
Itis,afterall,exactlywhatweweregoingfor.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER15
She’snotlikeheimagined.Hewon’tadmittopicturinghowshe’dbewhilehewasgrowingup,buttherewasalwayssomethinginthebackofhishead,afainthopethatmaybe,oneday.
She’snotlikeheimagined.She’smore,ineverypossibleway.
EmeryMessnerispetrifying.Mostlybecauseshelooksreallynice.
Iexpectedunhinged,rabid-looking,bloodthirstygreetings.Unpredictability.Threatsofviolence.WhatIfindisasweetwomaninherfifties,wearingaHopeLoveCouragepinonhercardigan.I’mnogreatjudgeofcharacter,butsheseemskind,andfriendly,andsincerelypersonable.Herheartbeatisfaint,almostreticent.Icouldpictureherbakingpeanut-freetreatstopassaroundafterherchildren’ssoccerpractice,butnotabductingandmurderingpeople.
“Lowe.”Shestopsafewfeetawayfromus,hangingherheadinsalute.Whenshelooksup,hernostrilstwitch,undoubtedlysmellingwhathappenedbetweenmeandLoweontheplane.
Iwanttodisappearintotheether.
“WelcometoyouandyourVampyrebride.”Shefacesmyhusband.Whokilledhermate.Thisissomessedup.“Congratulationsonyouralliance.”
“Emery.”Hedoesnotsmile.“Thankyouforwelcomingustoyourhome.”
“Nonsense.Thisisyourterritory,Alpha.”Shewavesahandlikeagalatbrunch.Hereyesflickerbacktome,andforafractionofasecondthepolitefacadecrumbles,andIseemyselfreflectedinhereyes.
I’maVampyre.
I’mtheenemy.
Inthecurrentcentury,mypeoplehavebeenamongthetopfivecausesofdeathforherpeople.I’maswelcomeasapieceofgumstuckunderthesoleofherpumps.
However,I’mLowe’sgum,andhe’smakingitabundantlyclear:hishandlingerspossessivelyonthecurveofmylowerback,andIknowenoughaboutself-defensetounderstandthathepositionedhimselfstrategically,andthatheplanstoshovemebehindhimselfattheslightestsignofintimidation.There’snowayEmery’sguards—alleightofthem,evenlysplitbetweenwolfandHumanform—cannotseethat.Judgingfromtheirtenseexpressions,theyseemtobelievethatLoweoffersaconsiderablethreat,eventhisstarklyoutnumbered.
Ashisfakewife,Ifinditflattering.
ButLowewasright,andEmerydoesn’twantafight,atleastnotnow.Sheforcesastrainedsmilejustforme.“MiseryLark.”Hervoiceoozescivility.“Ihaven’tseenanyofyourpeopleinmyterritoryindecades.”
Notalive,forsure.“Thankyouforhavingme.”
“Perhapsit’stimetoburythehatchet.Perhapsnewalliancescanbeformed,nowthattheoldonesareburningtoashes.”
“Perhaps.”IbitetheSeemsunlikely,though,offmytongue.
“Verywell.”Hereyesflickertomyhand.Because,Iabruptlyrealize,Lowewrappedhisownaroundit.“Followme,ifyouplease.”Sheturnsherbacktouswithonelastsmile.Herguardtricklesbehindher,flankingherlikeanarmormadeofflesh.
Lowe’sfingerssqueezemine.“Thatwascivilofyou,”hesaysunderhisbreath.“Thankyoufornotcausingadiplomaticincident.”
“Asif.”
Hiseyebrowsquirk.
“Comeon.Iwouldn’t.”
Thelookhegivesmetelegraphs:Youabsolutelywould.
“I’mnotgoingtopissofftheladywhotriedtokidnapAna,”Isay,outraged.Thenclarify,“Imightstabher.ButI’mnotgoingtosassher.”
Hismouthtwitches.“Thereyouare.”
Hetugsmetowardablacksedan,hishandstillholdingontomine.
Dinnerisaweirdaffair,notintheleastbecauseI’mservedaplateofcavatelliandaglassofredwinethatlooksenticinglylikeblood.
It’sstandardforthemateandchildrenoftheformerAlphatomaintainformalrelationshipswiththecurrentleadership,andseveralWereshavebeeninvitedfortheweekend.Tonight,though,it’sjustthethreeofusatthetable,andI’mtoocluelessregardingWereaffairstoparticipateintheconversation.Itrytofollowastheytalkaboutborders,alliances,otherpacks,butit’slikestartingatriple-timelineTVshowfromseasonfour.Toomanyplotpoints,characters,world-buildingdetails.WhatIcandoisappreciatethecomplexdynamicsatplayduringthemeal,andtheexpertwayLowenavigatesthem.NoonementionsthathekilledRoscoe,andI’mgratefulforthat.
We’reescortedtoourroomearlyinthemorning.Thereisonebed,whichwillluckilynotleadtoanyweirdsharingsituation,becauseI’lldisappearintotheclosetthesecondthesunisup.IgestureatLowetositandliftafingertomylips.Hegivesmeaconfusedlookbutcomplieswithoutargument,evenasIreachforhisjeanspocketandtakeouthisphone.ForanAlpha,he’ssurprisinglygoodatdoingasIsay.
Ispendseveralminutessweepingtheplaceforbugsandcameras,andcheckingforstrongWi-FinetworksunderLowe’sincreasinglyamusedgaze.WhenIfindnone,Icatchhispitifulmust-be-hard-to-live-subsumed-by-this-level-of-paranoialook,andI’mtemptedtoscrapealintballfrommypocketandtellhimthatit’sstate-of-the-artspyware,justtoberightforonce.
Heprobablywouldn’tknowbetter.
“CanIspeak?Orwouldyouliketoespionagemore?”
Iglare.“YourgoldenboyAlextoldmetodothis.”
Heshakeshisheadwithasmallsmile.“Emeryknowsbetter.”
“Sowe’renotgoingtoentertainthepossibilitythatshe’sgoingtoslitourthroatsinoursleep?”
“Forthetimebeing.”
“Hmm.”Igothroughhisphonetomakesureit’snotbeingtracked.It’saninteresting,vaguelywistfulwindowintoLowe’slife.NotthatIexpectedtofinditchock-fullofMILFporn,buthismostvisitedwebsitesareEuropeansportsnewsandfancyarchitecturalmagazinesthatlookasentertainingasatrafficjam.
“Sorryyourbaseballteamisdoingsopoorly,”Ioffer.
“It’sdoingfine,”hemutters,offended.
“Uh-huh,sure.”
“Andit’srugby.”Hestandstoretrievemybloodcooler.
“Anyway.Emerydoesn’tseemthatbad.”
“No,shedoesn’t.”Loweopensthecooler,andthenthesecretcompartmentwherewestowedthetoolsAlexgaveme.“MickhasbeencollectingintelontheattacksandsabotagesinWereterritory,anditoverwhelminglysuggeststhatshe’sbehindthem.Butshealsoknowsthatifsheweretoopenlychallengeme,shewouldn’tstandachance.Andit’spossiblethatseveraloftheLoyalsaren’tevenawareofthekidnappingattempt.Theymightnotknowthey’reonthebadsideofthiswar.”
Istandbyhim,checkingthatalltheequipmentisaccountedfor.“Fatherusedtosaythattherearenogoodorbadsidesinawar.”
Lowechewsonhislowerlip,pensivelystaringatthebagsofblood.“Maybe.ButtherearesidesIwanttobepartof,andothersthatIdonot.”Helooksup,paleeyesjustinchesfrommine.“Doyouneedtofeed?”
“Icandoitinthebathroom,sincewe’resharingthis”—Iglancearoundattheflowerywallpaper,canopybed,landscape-basedart—“marriagechamber.”
“Whywouldyouusethebathroom?”
“I’massumingyou’llfinditgross?”Serenaalwayssaidthatthere’ssomethingrepulsiveabouthearingbloodbeingswallowed,thoughsheeventuallygotusedtoit.Igetit:Imightbea(shamefullyenthusiastic)peanutbutterconsumer,butIfindmosthumanfoodsgag-worthy.Anythingthatrequireschewingshouldbelaunchedintospaceviaaself-destroyingcapsule.
“IdoubtI’llcare,”Lowesays,andIshrug.Iwon’tbabyproofhisenvironment.He’sabigboywhoknowswhathecantake.
“Okay.”
Igrabthebagandmakequickworkofit.Bloodistooexpensive—andtoohardtocleanup—toriskspillage,whichiswhyIusestraws.Theprocesstakeslessthantwominutes,andbythetimeI’mdone,I’msmilingtomyself,thinkingofthethree-hourdinnerI’vejustbeensubjectedtoandfeelingsuperior.
WeresandHumansareweird
“Misery.”
Lowe’svoiceisgravelly.Idisposeofthebag,andwhenIglanceathim,he’ssittingonthebedagain.Ihavetheimpressionthathiseyeshavebeenonmefortheentiretime.“Yes?”
“Youlookdifferent.”
“Oh,yeah.”Iturntothemirror,butIknowwhathe’sseeing.Rosycheeks.Blown-uppupilswithathinlilacrim.Lipsstainedwithred.“It’sathing.”
“Athing.”
“Heatandblood,youknow?”
“Idon’t.”
Ishrug.“Wegetblood-hungrywhenwe’rehot,andwegethotafterwefeed.Itwon’tlastlong.”
Heclearshisthroat.“Whatelsedoesitentail?”
I’mnotsurewhattomakeofthislineofquestioningonVampyrephysiology,buthewasforthcomingwhenIaskedthesameabouttheWeres.“Mostlyjustthat.Somesensesareheightened,too.”ThescentofLowe’sblood,butalsoeverythingelsethatmakeshimhim,issharperinmynostrils.IthasmewonderingifIstillsmelllikehim.
Whichhasmethinkingofwhathappenedearlier.
Notthatitwaseverfarfrommymind.“Intheplane.Whenyouweremarkingme.”Iexpecthimtoactembarrassed,ordismissive.Hejustholdsmygaze.“Nottomakeaweirdsituationevenweirder,butitseemedlikeitwas…”
“Itwas.”Hebrieflycloseshiseyes.“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeantotakeadvantage.”
“I—Meneither.”Iwasasmuchintoitashewas.More,probably.
“It’stheactofit.It’ssomethingthatusuallyhappensbetweenmates,orinseriousromanticrelationships.It’sintrinsicallysexuallycharged.”
Oh.“Right.”I’mabitmortifiedtohaveassumedhewasattractedtome.NotbecauseIdon’tthinkI’mattractive—I’mhot,andfuckyou,Mr.Lumiere,forsayingthatIlookedlikeaspider—butbecauseLowehasGabi.Someonehe’sbiologicallyhardwiredtofocustheentiretyofhisattractionon.
“I’dneverdoneitbefore,”hesays.“Ididn’tknowitwouldbelikethat.”
Holdup.“You’dneverdoneit?You’dnevermarkedanyonebefore?”
Heshakeshisheadandstartstakingoffhisboots.
“Butyouhaveamate.Yousaidso.”
Hemovestotheothershoe.Withoutlookingup.“Ialsosaidit’snotalwaysreciprocated.”
“Butyours—yoursis,right?Yousaidso.”Gabrielle.She’stheCollateralnow,butbefore,theyweretogether.TheyprobablymetinZurich.Atethatcheesewiththeholestogether,allthetime.
“DidI?”
Icovermymouthwithmypalm.“Shit.No.”Istalkacrosstheroomtothebed,butonceI’msittingnexttoLowe,Ihavenoideawhattodo.
Whatdidthegovernorsayatthewedding?ThattheWereCollateralwashismate.Butheneversaidthattheyweretogether.Asamatteroffact,nooneinthepackeveractedasthoughLowewasinarelationshipwithher.AnanevermentionedGabi,noteveninpassing.TherewerenosignsofherinLowe’sbedroom.
Hismate,thegovernorsaid,anditmakessensethatLowewouldsharethat,toguaranteethathewashandingoffavaluableCollateral.ButnooneeversaidthatLowewashermate
“Doessheknow?Thatshe’syourmate,Imean.”
Amicropause,andthenheshakeshishead.Asthoughreaffirmingadecision.“Shedoesn’t.Andshewon’t.”
“Whywon’tyoutellher?”
“Iwon’tburdenherwiththeknowledge.”
“Burden?She’dbeintothat!You’rebasicallyswearingeternallovetoher—andyou’rekindofacatch.IusedtovetallofSerena’sdatingappmatches;I’veseenwhat’soutthere.Thepoolisshallow.AsfarasIknow,youhavezerocriminalconvictions,ahouse,acar,apack,and…okay,awife,butI’mhappytohelpyouclearthatout.”IwonderwhyI’mbeingsoproactiveaboutthis.I’mnotthekindtowanttomeddlewithotherpeople’slovelives,but…maybeithastodowiththisheavyfeelingdeepinmystomach.MaybeI’mjustovercompensatingmyirrationaldisappointmentwithenthusiasm.“Honestly,she’llbestoked.”She’sthecurrentCollateral,she’sprobablyasperfectlyself-immolatingasheis,and—somethingoccurstome.“Isitaboutyoursister?Youthinkshewon’tacceptAna?”
Heexhalesalaughandgoestoputhisshoesaway.“Theopposite.Anawouldbedelighted,too.”Hechecksthatthedoorislockedandcomesbacktobed.“Scoochover,”heorders,pointingatthesideofthebedthat’sfarthestfromtheentrance.
Iobeywithouthesitating.“Whatifshefeelsthesameaboutyou?”
“Shecan’t.”
Themattressdipswithhisweight.Heliesback,stillwearinghisjeansandshirt.Thebackofhisheadsinksintothepillowashecrosseshisarmsonhischest.Thebedisking-sizeandstillalittletooshortforhim,buthedoesn’tcomplain.
“Maybeshedoesn’thavethehardware.Maybeshedoesn’tfeelthesamebiologicalpulltowardyouthatyoufeeltowardher.Butshecouldstilldevelopfeelings.”Itoemyshoesoffandkneelnexttohim.Ishegoingtosleep?“Youcouldstilldateher.”
“We’restilltalkingaboutthis,”hedrawlswithoutopeninghiseyes.
“Yes.”
“Whataboutnow?”
“Yup.”No,I’mnotgoingtoexaminemyinterestinthetopic.“Frankly,it’sabitchildish,thisall-or-nothingattitudeofyours.Youcouldstillhavea—”
Hepropsuponhiselbow.OnesecondI’mstaringathishandsome,relaxedface,thenexthiseyesburnbrightintomineandIcanfeelhisbreath,warmovermylips.Theystilltastefaintlylikeblood.
Somethingchargesbetweenus.Somethingready
“YouthinkthatthereasonIwon’ttellheristhatasmallpartofherwouldn’tbeenough?”hegrowls.“YouthinkthatIwouldcare,ifsheweretolovemelessthanIloveher?Thatthisisamatterofprideforme?Ofgreed?IsthatwhyyouthinkI’mchildish?”
Iopenmymouth.Awaveofheat—embarrassment,confusion,somethingelse—slamsovermybody.“I…”
“Youthink,butyoudon’tknow.Youdon’tknowanythingaboutwhatit’sliketofindyourotherhalf,”hecontinues,voicelowandsharp.“Iwouldtakeanythingshechosetogiveme—thetiniestfractionorherentireworld.IwouldtakeherforasinglenightknowingthatI’llloseherbymorning,andIwouldholdontoherandneverletgo.Iwouldtakeherhealthy,orsick,ortired,orangry,orstrong,anditwouldbemyfuckingprivilege.Iwouldtakeherproblems,hergifts,hermoods,herpassions,herjokes,herbody—Iwouldtakeeverylastthing,ifshechosetogiveittome.”
Myheartpoundsinmychest,mycheeks,myfingertips.I’veforgottenhowtobreathe.
“ButIwon’ttakefromher.”Hiseyesleavemineandsteadilytraildownmyface.Theystopatthenecklineofmydress.TonightI’mwearingourweddingbandasanecklace,andhestudiesthewayitdisappearsintothecurveofmybreasts.Hisgazelingers,leisurely,forwhatfeelslikehoursbutisprobablyabriefmoment.Thenitmovesbackup.“Aboveall,Iwon’ttakeherfreedom.Notwhensomanyothershavealreadydoneso.”
Thataggressiveenergybetweenusdissipatesasquicklyasitformed,meltinglikesaltinwater.Slowly,comfortably,withonelastglanceatmylips,Lowesettlesbackonthebed.Hisarmscomeuptolacebehindhisskull.
“Shewouldn’tadmitit—shemightnotevenrealizeitherself,butshe’sthekindofpersonwhowouldfeelbeholdentome.ShewouldthinkIneedher.WhenwhatIreallyneedisforhertobehappy,whetherit’swithme,oralone,orwithsomeoneelse.”
Hiseyesflutterclosedagain.Imanagetogulpinsomeair,andIwatchhisbodyrelaxfromatense,angryline,backtosoftstrength.
I’mutterlyashamed.AndotherthingsthatI’munlikelytobeabletoarticulate.Myhandsaretrembling,soIcurlmyfistsintothecottoncoverlet.“I’msorry.Iwenttoofar.”
“Myfeelingsareminetodealwith.Nothers.”
Icannothelpmyself.Ilickmylipsandsay,“It’sjust—”
“Misery.”
It’sthattoneagain.TheAlphaone.Theonethatmakesmewanttosayyestohim,overandoveragain.
“I’msorry,”Irepeat,butIthinkI’mforgiven.IthinkLoweissimplytoobigapersontoholdgrudges.IthinkLoweistoofuckingprincipledforhisowngood,anddoesn’tdeservetohavehisheartbroken,orhislifeonlyhalffull.“ShallIretreatintotheclosetinshame?Soyoudon’thavetoseeme?”
Hismouthtwitches.Definitelyforgiven.“Icanjustturntheotherway.”
“Right.Willyouhaveto…scentmeagain?Tomorrow?”
Hissmiledisappears.“No.Themessagecameacross.Theythinkyou’reimportanttomenow.”
“Okay.”Iscratchmytempleanddonotruminateoverthefactthathesaid“theythink”insteadof“theyknow.”Ishouldgetreadyforbed.Thesunwillbeupsoon.Butit’ssucharareopportunitytostudyLoweatwill.He’sjust—so,sohandsome,eventome,someonewho’ssodifferent,sochronicallyweird,thatI’mrarelyaffordedtheprivilegeofnoticingthesethingsinothers.Andyet,themoreIknowhim,themoreIfindhimmagnetic.Unique.Genuinelydecent,inaworldwherenooneseemstobe.
AndI’mconvincedthathismatewouldagreewithme,butI’mnotgoingtobelaborthepoint.EvenifIcan’timagineanyonerefusinghim.EvenifIhavedevelopedanattractiontowardhim,andI’mnotevenhisspecies.
“Youcangetchangedbeforesleeping.I’mgoingtokeepmyhandsoffyou,evenifyourpj’shavecutelittledropsofbloodonthem.”
“I’mnotgoingtosleep,”hemurmurs.
Ifrown.“IsitaWerething?Youonlysleepeverythirdday?”
“It’samething.”
Itearmyeyesawayfromhisfulllips.“Right.Theinsomnia.Whenwewereteens,Serenawasthesame.”
“Yeah?”
Hehasn’tmovedamuscle,buthesoundsgenuinelyinterested,soIcontinue.“Shehadhorriblenightmaresshecouldneverremember.Probablysomethingthathappenedinthefirstfewyearsofherlife—shehadnomemoriesofthatperiodatall.”
“Andwhatwouldshedo?”
“Shewouldn’tsleep.Wouldalwayslookexhausted.Wewereconcerned—meandMrs.Michaels,whowasourcaregiveratthetime,andaniceoneatthat.Wetriedwhitenoisemachines.Pills.Thoseredlightsthatshouldhavefacilitatedmelatoninproductionbutjustmadetheroomlooklikeabrothel.Nothingworked.Andthenwefoundthesolutionbychance,anditwasthesimplesttrick.”
“Whatwasit?”
“Me.”Lowe’sbodytightens.“Whatsheneededwassomeoneshetrusted,nexttoher.SoI’dhangoutinherroom.Andscratchher.”
“Scratchher.”Hesoundsskeptical.
“No—Yes,butnotwhatyouthink.It’sjustwhatwecalledit.Here—”Iliftmyhandtohisforehead,andafterasmallhesitation,Ipressmypalmtohishair.It’satoncebristlyandsoft,notlongenoughtorunmyfingersthrough.Icaressitacoupleoftimes,lettingmynailsbrushsoftlyagainsthisscalp,justenoughtogivehimanideaofwhatSerenausedtoenjoy,andthenpullbackto—
Hishandsdartup,lightningfast.
Hedoesn’topenhiseyes,buthisfingersclosearoundmywristwithdeadlyprecision.Myheartslamsintomychest—shit,I’veoverstepped—untilhebringsthehandbacktohishead,asthoughhewantsmeto…
Oh.
Oh.
Hedoesn’tletgountilIresumethescratching.Aballofsomethingswellsinmythroat.“You’resomuchluckier,”Isay,hopingajokewilldeflateit.
“Why?”herasps.
“Ijustfed.Itreducestheclammy,molluskfeelSerenahadtodealwith.”
Hedoesn’tsmile,buthisamusementisthickaroundus.Hisdarkhairisshort,soshort,andIwonderifhecutsitlikethatbecausetheupkeepiseasier—noneedtostyleit,ever.IthinkabouthowmuchresearchIputintothebestcutstohidemyears,aboutthewaySerenaenjoyedshoppingforclothesandmakeupthatsuitedhermoods.AndthenimagineLowehavingnotimetodoanyofthat.Havingnotimeforhimself.
LikeJunosaid,hisentirelifeissacrifice.Hewasaskedforsomuch,andalwayssaidyes,yes,yes
Oh,Lowe.Nowonderyoucan’tsleep
“You’renotasterribleahusbandasyoucouldbe,”Isayfornoparticularreason,continuingtocaresshim.“I’msorryyouhadtogiveupyourentirelifeforyourpack.”
Thistimehe’sdefinitelysmiling.“Youdidthesame.”
“What?”Itiltmyhead.“No.”
“YouspentyearsamongtheHumans,knowingthatifaveryflimsytrucewasbroken,you’dbethefirsttobekilled.ThenyouspentmoreyearsbuildingalifeamongtheHumans—andnowhereyouare,havinggiventhatup.Doingstuffforyourpeople,whomyouclaimtocaresolittleabout.”
“Notforthem,forSerena.”
“Yeah?Thenwhat’syourplan,afteryoufindher?Runawaytogether?Disappear?SendthealliancebetweentheVampyresandWeresintochaos?”
It’snotthatIhaven’tthoughtthatfar.Ijustdon’tliketodwellontheanswer.“Thismarriageisjustforoneyear,”Ipunt.
“Yeah?Misery,Ithinkyoushouldaskyourselfsomething.”HesoundsmoretiredthanI’veeverheardhim.
“Whatisthat?”
“IfSerenahadn’tdisappeared,wouldyouhavebeenabletosaynotoyourfather?Orwouldyouhaveendedupinthismarriageanyway?”
Ithinkaboutitforalong,longtime,watchingmyfingerstracepatternsinLowe’shair.AndwhenIthinkIhaveananswer—afrustrating,depressinganswer—Idon’tsayitoutloud.
BecauseLowe,whosuffersfromsomethingthat’sdefinitelynotpneumonia,isbreathingsoftly,andhassunkintoatranquilsleep.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER16
He’sbeenpicturingherduringherbaths.He’sbeenhavingfilthy,unspeakablethoughts.He’stootiredtokeepthematbay.
Thefollowingday,LowedisappearstodoWerethings.Iwakeupinthelateafternoonwithonlyvaguememoriesofhavingcrawledintothebuilt-incloset,andfindanotetuckedunderthedoors.It’sapieceofwhitepaper,foldedonceandthenagain.
Onarun,itsays.
And,onanewline:Begood.
Followedby:L.J.Moreland.
Isnort.Forunclearreasons,Idon’ttossitinthetrashbin,butslipitintheexternalpocketofmysuitcase.
Idrawabathandlowermyselfintothetepidwater.Holdingontogarbageisdumb,butIcomebyithonestly:it’swhatSerenausedtodowithwrappersofrareimportcandybars.Amaniac-worthymove,inmyhumbleopinion,thewayshe’dpinthemtothewall.Asurefiremethodtospotafutureserialmurderer,togetherwithpyromaniaandtorturingsmallanimals.WhenIlookatthewrappers,Irememberthetaste,shetoldmewhenwewerethirteenandItriedtothrowthemaway.Itledtomerollingmyeyes,whichledtousnottalkingfortwodays,whichledtomepassive-aggressivelylitteringoursharedspaceswithusedbloodbags,whichledtoflies,whichledtoanexplosiveshowdowninwhichshecouldn’tdecidewhethertocallmealeechorabitchandblurtedout“Bleetch,”whichledtouscrackingupandrememberingthatwelikedeachother.
“Misery?”Lowe’svoicepullsmeback.I’mstaringvacantlyatthestainedwindows,afaintsmileonmylips.“Whereareyou?”
“Bathroom!”
“Areyoudressed?”
Ilookdownandshiftthefoamaroundstrategically.“Yup.”Thedooropensamomentlater.
LoweandIregardeachotherfromacrosstheroom—himblinking,mestaring—withsimilarlydumbfoundedexpressions.Heclearshisthroat,twice.Thenremembersthatlookingawayisanoption.“Yousaidyouweredressed.”
“I’mwearingmymodestyfroth.You,ontheotherhand.”
Hefrowns.“I’mwearingjeans.”
Plusahealthylayerofsweat,andnothingelse.Thecurtainsarepulled,butsheer.Theincominglightiswarm,andtintsLowe’sskinaprettygold—hiswideshoulders,hisbroad,heavilymuscledchest.He’sstillglowingwiththeflushofbeingoutside,innature,andhelookshealthy,evenwithmorescarsthananyonehisageshouldhave—narrow,thinstripesandknottytwists.SoIlikelookingatmyhusbandwho’sadifferentspeciesandfatedtobesomeoneelse’smate.Whatever.Takemetocourt.Impoundmynonexistentassets.
“I’lloverlookyournudityifyouoverlookmine,”Ioffer.
Lowe’shandcomesuptorubhisnape.“Itookoffmyshirtbeforeshiftingandlostit.Lemmefindacleanone.”
“Idon’tcare.Plus,you’resweatyandgross.”
Hiseyebrowcocks.“Gross?”
Ishrug,whichmaybemisplacesthefoam.I’mnotsure,noramIgoingtocheck,astheanswercouldbemortifying.“So,youwentfrolickinginthemudwithEmery?”
Hesnorts.“WithKoen.Hearrivedearlythismorning.”
“Thatsoundsfun.”Hegottohangoutforacoupleofhourswithsomeoneheclearlylovesandtrusts.Lethisguarddown.
“Itwas.”
Itmustbewhyhiseyesaredancing,atonceboyishandanimated.Whyheseemsyoungerthanlastnight.Why,whenhewalksinsideandsitsbymyfeet,ontheedgeofthetub,helookslikehe’sbeensmiling.
“Youknow,”Imuse,relaxingintothewater,“IthinkIwanttoseeyou.”
Helooksdownathisbody.“Youwanttoseeme.”
“No,notnaked.”
Hisheadtiltsinconfusion.
“Asawolf.”
His“Ah”issoftandamused.
“Canyouquicklyshift?Rightnow?Butkeepyourdistance,please.Animalstendtohateme.”
“Nope.”
“Why?”Isitupright,coveringmybreastswithmyarms.“OhmyGod,doesithurt,shifting?”
“No.”Heseemsoffended.
“Phew.Howlongdoesittake?”
“Depends.”
“Howlongdoesittakeforyou,onaverage?”
“Afewseconds.”
“IsitanotherAlphathing?Andyourmotorproteinsaresuuuuperdominant?”
HisglaretellsmeI’montherighttrack.“Shiftingisnotapartytrick,Misery.”
“Clearlyit’snotasupersecretdeal,either,becauseI’veseenCalasa—”Igasp.“Igotit.”
“Gotwhat?”
Ismile.Fangsout.“Youdon’twanttoshowmebecauseyourwolfycoatishotpink.”
“Notwolfycoat,justcoat.”
Isplashhimwithmyfoot.“Isitpurple?”
Heflinchesandscrewshiseyesshut.
“Isitglittery?”Isplashsomemore.“Youhavetotellmeifit’sglittery—”
Hisfingersclosearoundmyankle,visetight.“Youdone?”Hewipeshiseyeswiththebackofhisfreehand,anditcomesawaywet.
MycalfispaleagainstLowe’sskin,slickwithwaterandsoapsuds.Whenhisgripslips,heturnshiswristtoadjustit,andittransitionsintosomethingthat’smoreintherealmofacaress.
Okay.
So.
We’vebeentouchingalot,sinceyesterday.
Wearetouchingalot.
“Abouttonight,”hestarts.Newtopic,buthishandstaysfirmlyinplace.“ItalkedtoKoen.He’llbuyussometime.DistractEmery.”
“How?”
“We’llsee.Koen’sacreativethinker.”
“Doesheknowwhatwe’replanning?”
“Notyet.”Helowersmytrappedfootunderthewaterbutdoesn’tletgoofmyankle,asthoughhedoesn’ttrustmetobehave.Orasthoughhedoesn’twantto.“Hemightsuspect,butheknowsbetterthantoask.Plausibledeniability.”
“Wise.Hey,whyisKoenhere?”
“Emeryishismother’ssister.”
“Hisaunt?”
“Correct.ShewasoriginallyintheNorthwestpack,thenmovedwhenshemetRoscoe.That’swhyIwassenttohim.”
“Wow.Andhe’sstillgoingtohelpyou?”
“HeisnofanofRoscoe.Orhisownfamily.”
Sorelatable.“Afterdinner,then.”
“You’regoingtosayyouneedtofeed.”
“Andyou’llcomewithmebecauseyou’remyworriedandpossessivelyprotectiveAlphahusband,andIhaveterribleorientationskills.Allweneedtodoisgettotheoffice,plantthedevices,andgetout.”Ibiteintomylowerlip.“Icouldalsodoitonmyown.”
“I’mnotsendingyououtthereonyourown.”
Ithink—I’mnotpositive,becauseofthewater,andthefoam,andthesheerimprobabilityofit—butIthinkLowemightbebrushinghisfingertipsagainstthearchofmysole.
Atactilehallucination.
“You’reaVampyre.IfEmery’sguardsfindyou,they’llattackfirst,askquestionslater.”Hepresseshislipstogether.“Stickclose,okay?”
“Icanfight,”Isay.Togivehimanout.Toavoidthinkingaboutwhat’sgoingonunderwater.
“Idon’tcare.I’mnottakingthechance,notwithyou.”
I’mnotsurewhethertobeflatteredorindignant.SoIoptforaflat“Okay.”
Henodsandfinallyletsgoofme.Iwatchtheplayofhisshoulderbladesashewalksawayandsavortheglowhisskinleftonmineforalongtimeafterhe’sgone.
Koenisanasshole,inthemostdeliciousandentertainingofways.Heseemstohavedistinctpreferences,strongopinions,andlittleinterestinkeepingeithertohimself.
“Let’sallthankLowefortheopportunitytonothavetotuneoutoneofRoscoe’sderangedrantstonight,”heproclaimsloudlywhiletakingaseatatthedinnertable.Inearlychokeonmyspit,butnooneelseappearsconcernedthatabrawlmightbeonthevergeoferupting,notevenEmery.
I’mrelievedthathedoesn’thateme.Theopposite,actually:whenwemeet,heclaspsmyshoulderandpullsmeinforabearhugthathasmewonderingwhetherhe’sawarethatI’maVampyre,orthatLoweandIarenotactuallymarried.Hemustbearoundtenyearsolderthanus,somewherebetweenabigbrotherandafatherfigureforLowe.Butbeforedinner,whenIwatchedthemtalk—twotallmenwearingidenticalbutton-downsandexchanginghushed,comfortablewords—themutualaffectionandrespectwasobvious.
Andyet,they’reasdifferentasnightandday.Lowemightbealoofattimes,butthereissomethingfundamentallykindabouthim,selflessandpatient.Koenisbrash.Cocksure.Alittlevicious.He’sindeednofanofEmery’s,andwillingtodeclareitasforcefullyaspossible.
Otherguestsaremorerelatives,andafewformersecondsofRoscoe’swhodecidedtostayneutralduringthechangeinleadership.MostseemtohaverealizedthatLoweistheirbestbet,ormaybethey’resimplybeguiledbywhateverhisAlphamagicis,andactdeferentially,butoneofthem—John—iswearinganecklacewithavialofsomethingpurplethatlooksalotlikeVampyreblood.Lowestaresathimforalongtimewhenhenotices,longenoughthatI’mcertainafightwillbreakout,andIfindmyselfreachingforoneofthemeatknives,justincase.Afterabeat,Johnlowershiseyes—ashowofsubmissivenessifI’veeverseenone—andthetensionintheroomseemstodeflate.
WhenInextseehim,thenecklaceisgone.
ThetopicofnewallianceswiththeVampyresandtheHumanscomesupatthetable,andtheonlypersontobringupobjectionsisEmery.“IhearyouandthatnewHumangovernor-electhavebeen…meeting,”shetellsLowe.
“MaddieGarcia,yes.”
“Doyoureallymeantoestablishanalliancewith—”
“It’sdone,”hesays,eyesholdinghers.“Therearedetailstoironout,buttheWeresandtheHumansaregoingtobealliesassoonashertermbegins.”
Emerycomposesherself.“Ofcourse.ButisitnotoffensivetothememoryoftheWereswhofoughtanddiedinthewarsagainsttheotherspecies?”sheasks,withthetoneofsomeonewho’smerelyaskinganinnocentquestion.
Amanda,ayoungwomanwhocamewithKoenandissittingacrossfromme,theatricallyrollsherdarkeyes.Whenshesmilesatme,Ismileback.
“That’snotmyintention,butifitwere,itstillseemspreferabletomoreofmypackdying.”Lowestressesthewordmy,anot-so-subtlereminder.
“Iunderstandthepushforaceasefire,Isuppose.”Hereyesflickertome.“Areyounotworriedaboutwhatthismightmeanforyourpack,Koen?TheHumansborderyourterritory.”
“No.”Koentakesabiteofhissteak.HeandLowebickeredlikeanoldmarriedcoupleoverwho’dgettoeatmine,soIdecidedtogiveittoAmanda.Look,Serena,I’mmakingfriends.“Notallofuslivetostirupshitwithotherspecies,Emery.”
“Indeed.SomeofyouevenhaveVampyrespouses.”Hertoneischilly.HereIwas,thinkingsheapprovedofourlove.
“Someofusarelucky,”Lowesays,sincere-sounding,likeourmarriageisoneofhisproudestaccomplishments,theculminationofyearsofdeeplyharboredlove.Goodactor.“Doyouneedtofeed?”heasks,turningtome,voiceinstantlymoreintimate,andyep.
Greatactor,greattiming.
“Please.”Ismileadoringlyatmynurturingpartner,pretendingnottonoticethegagginglooksaroundus.
Heholdsmyeyesandmurmurs,“Let’sgo,then.”WestepoutofthediningroomjustasKoencallsJohnafuckwaffle
“Doesheliketomakeenemies?Startfights?Watchtheworldburn?”
“Koen’sbigon…”Lowesearchesfortherightwords.“Unfilteredhonesty.”
Noshit.“Whodidhechallenge?TobecomeAlpha,Imean.”
“Noone.HismotherwasAlphabeforehim.Whenshepassed,Koenjustascended.”
“Howdelightfullymonarchic.Andthepackwasjustokaywithit?”
“Notallofthem.”
“And?”
Hishandpressesonmylowerback,wordlesslyaskingmetotakearight.“Therewerechallengers.”
“And?”
“He’sbeenAlphaforwelloveradecade,hashenot?”
“Mmm.True.AreheandAmandadoingit?”
“She’shissecond.”
“Well,arethey?”
Abriefpause.“Traditionally,theAlphaoftheNorthwestpacktakesavowofcelibacy.”
Oh,God.“Didyou?”
Loweshakeshishead.“Feelslikeit,though,”hemurmurs,justaswereachtheoffice.Iimmediatelyunhookapinfrommynapeanddroponmykneesinfrontofthelock,lettingmydressbunchupmythighs.AfewsecondslaterIopenthedoorwithabutler-likeflourish.
“What?”Iwhisper,noticingtheupturnedcornerofLowe’smouth.
Heslipsinfirst,scanstheroom,thengesturesmeinside.“Justpicturingyoudoingthesame…”Heclosesthedoorbehindhimandturnsonthelight.Iseeafireplacesolargeitcouldcomfortablysleepamidsizefamily—andasuspiciousamountofantleredwalldecor.“Tobreakintomyroom.”
“Ah.Right.”Iflinch.“Aboutthat,Iamsorrythat…”
“Youwentthroughmyunderwear?”
“Yeah,that.”
Hepointsatthecomputeronthedeskwithasmallsmile,andIdartthere,givingtheantlersawideberth,gladtohavesomethingelsetofocuson.“I’llhideyourscent,butmakesureyoutouchaslittleaspossible,”heremindsme.
Wedon’thavemuchtime,soInodandhurry.Lowealreadybuggedseveralspotsinthehouse,butwhatI’mdoingwillallowustotrackandriflethroughanycommunicationfromallofEmery’sdevices.Andsinceshedoesn’thaveanAlex,she’llneverrealize.
“Needanythingfromme?”LoweaskswhileIslipintothenetwork,voicepitchedlow.
Inodbetweenkeystrokes.“SetuptheUbertoothandhandmetheLANTurtle.”Isnortathiswide-eyedI-didn’t-know-the-essay-was-due-today-and-my-dog-ate-it-anywayexpression.“Iwaskidding.Justkeepguard.”
“Thankfuck.”Hisreliefcouldjump-startatruck’sbattery.“Howlongdoyouneed?”
“Sixminutes,tops.Toolong?”
“No.Idoubttheyknowhowlittletimeittakesyoutofeed.”
Ibeamupathim.“Why,thankyou.”
“Wasthatacompliment?”Hisheadtiltsinconfusion.
“Wasn’tit?”
“Notintentionally.”
“Weren’tyoutryingtosayhowlow-maintenanceIam?”
“No.”
“Bummer.”Ibendmyheadandquicklytypethecode.“Well,Irescindmywarmacceptanceofyournon-compliment.”
“Ifyouthinkthat’swhatitwas,youneedbetterones.”
“Betterwhat?”
“Compliments.”
Ilookuponcemore.He’sstaring,hiseyeshalfwaybetweenunreadableandindecipherable.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Youneedtobetoldtherightthings.”Heshrugscasually,butthemovementfeelstheoppositeofcasual.“Thatyou’reintelligent,andincrediblyskilledatwhatyoudo,andbrave.Thatdespiteyourweirdbeliefthatyou’reheartless,you’remoregenuinelycaringthananyoneI’veevermet.Thatyou’resoresilient,Ican’tquitewrapmyheadaroundit.Thatyou’revery…”Hepauses.Wetshislips.Myheartbeatskips.“Verybeautifultolookat.Alwayssobeautiful.Andthat—”
Hepausesabruptly,liftinghispalm.Hisshoulderstense,shiftingtoacutevigilance.
“Someoneiscoming,”hewhispers.
“Emery?”Imouth.Ican’tmakeoutanynoises,butWerehearingisbetterthanmine.
Loweshakeshishead,andtwosecondslaterIhearthem,too.Voices.Twovoices.Twomen,comingdownthestairs.
“Emery’sguards,”hesays,barelyaudible.
Thepossibilityofbeingcaughtfreezesme.ThentheimageofAnapopsintomyhead—thewayEmerytriedtotakeher,howterriblyshemighthavehurther,andfear,realfeardrivesthroughmelikeaspear.Wecan’tgobackhomeempty-handed.
“Don’t,”IwhisperwhenLoweisabouttoturnoffthecomputer.Thestepssoundterrifyinglycloser.“Itjustneedsacouplemoreminutes.”
“Iftheycomeinandfindus—”
“Theywon’t.”Iturnoffthemonitor.“Andwe’ll—”
Ihaveanidea,butit’seasiershownthanexplained,soIgraspLowe’shandandtughimcloser,walkingbackwarduntilIhitoneofthesquarecolumnsonthesidesofthefireplace.Theclichéalmostmakesmyteethhurt,andifEmery’sguardsaremedialiterateevenjustatathird-gradelevel,they’renotgoingtofallforit.Butitmightbuyusacoupleofminutes,andthat’sallthatmatters.
“Kissme,”Iorder,pullinghimfartherintome.Heneedstobeinsidemyspace,toweringoverme.
“What?”Lowe’sbrowisonedeepfurrow.
“Let’sjustpretendwegot—we’renewlymarriedandgot,Idon’tknow,horny,and—”Andendedupinarandomoffice.Maybewe’rekinky.Maybewe’reidiots.Maybewe’repathetic.
Shit,theguardsarenevergonnafallforit.Andthey’recoming
“Theythinkyou’refeeding,”Lowehissesfromaboveme.IfIcoulddevoteanybraincellstonotpanicking,Iwouldrollmyeyes.
“Iknow,butsincewe’rehere,andtheyarebasicallyhere—”
“Feed.Fromme.”Helooksdeadserious.
“What?”
“Pretendthat’swhatwecameherefor.”
“No!It’s—”
Actually,aprettygoodidea.Areallygoodidea,even.Stilldoesn’texplainwhywe’reinhere.Wecouldsaywegotlostanditwasthefirstunlockeddoorwefound.
“Okay.”Inod.Thestepsaregettingcloser.“Tiltyourneck,I’llpretendI’mdrinkingfromyourvein.”
“Misery.”Hiseyesdrillintomine.“Youhavetobiteme.”
“Why?”
“They’reWeres.They’regoingtobeabletosmellitifyou’renotreallydrinking.”
“What?What?I’venever—”
“Misery,”Loweorders,ormaybeit’saplea,ormaybemynameisjustawordhelikestosay,awordhelikestothinkof.
Asecondlater,myfangssinkintotheveinatthebaseofhisneck.
Twosecondslater,thedoortotheofficeopens.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER17
Thepastyearnotwithstanding,hewasalwayscomfortablewithsexandeverythingthatcamewithit.Heknewwhatheliked,andheknewhowtogetit.Hewascontent.
Nowhecan’trememberwhatsatisfactionfeltlike.
It’ssurprisinghowsmoothlyitallgoes,especiallyconsideringhownewwebothareatthis.
There’sLowe,whocannotpossiblyhaveaclueofwhattoexpect.There’sme,anotoriouslybadVampyre.Andthentherearesomeveryshittycircumstances.Likehowmauledwe’reabouttoget.
Andyet,evenwithoutknowingwhattodo,Iknowexactlywhattodo.Iknowtodrawthetipofmynoseacrossthebaseofhisthroattofindtheperfectspot.Iknowtostopwherehisbloodsmellsthesweetestandhisskinformsthethinnestveil.Iknowtopressmylipstohisfleshinabrief,indulgentmomentofsilentgratitude.Aboveall,Iknowwithoutanytraceofdoubt,orhesitation,orfear,tobite.Mycaninesmightbeunused,buttheyareplentysharp,guidedbyinstinctifnotexperience.Andafterabrief,suspendedmomentofscreamingdisorientation,Lowe’sbloodfillsmymouth.
It’sunlikeanythingI’veevertasted.AndnotbecauseI’veonlyeverfedfromchilly,refrigeratedbags,andincomparison,thisfeelsscorchingasfire.Ithinkithastodowiththefactthat…
ThefactthatthisisLowe.Andhisbloodtasteslikeblood,yes,butit’salsospicy,coppery,athrillonthebackofmytongue.Hisbloodtasteslikehisscent,andhissmiles,andhishandslingeringonmyskin.Liketheseriouswayhestaresintothedistanceandrubshisjawwhenhe’sworryingaboutAna.Hisbloodiseverythingthatheis,andI’mdrinkingofit.It’sthemostdelicious,themostearth-shattering,themostinside-outmomentofmyentirelife.
Andthenthefirstfewdropshitmystomach,andeverythingchanges.
Merefeetfromus,thingsarehappening.Ihearthemdistantly,dreamily:gasps;afrantic,hushedconversationthatincludeswordslikeLowe,andwife,andfeeding;arushed,panickedapology;adoorslammingclosed.ButallIcanthinkofis
“Misery,”Lowegrunts.
Warmth.I’mfeverishly,beautifullywarm.Andempty.Andbursting.Anddizzy.Liquefying.AndIfeellikeIneed,need,need
Ineedmore.IneedLowetobecloser.
“Misery,”hebreathes.
Idon’tknowwhen,butmyhandshavehikeduptohisshoulders.Imoanintohisneck,unabletostopmyself.Iwanttoclimbunderhisskin.Iwanthimtoslideundermine.Iwanttogivehimeverylastthingheasksfor.
“Fuck.”Hisbreathisshallowagainstmytemple.Ithinkhegetsit,though,becausehedoesexactlywhatI’munabletobegfor:hishandtravelsdownmyspinetocupmyass,andheholdsmetohimselfwhilemylegswraparoundhim.Mybreastsareachyandtender,mycorethrobs,andthere’sanalarminmyheadtellingmethatIshouldstop,thatI’mdrinkingtoomuch.It’skilledintosilencethemomentLowewindshisfingersintothethickhairatmynapeandorders:“Takemore.”
Imoanablissfulhumintohisskin.Somethingwetandeagerburstsinsideme,spillsintomystomach.
“Misery.Misery.”Hescoopsmyheaddeeperintohisneck.Bucksagainstmeinawaythatfeelsnotwhollyvoluntary.“Takeallyouneed.”
IclingtohimlikeI’ddieifheletgo,desperateforfriction.Myhipsgrindagainsthisabs,seekingrelief,andwhenthecontactfeelsgood,Ineedmore.Moreblood,moreLowe,moreofthestretching,rocking,tautfeelingcoastinginsideme.
“I’mgoingto—fuck.”Hisvoiceisathick,urgentrumbleagainstmyear.“Misery,letme—”Astifled,filthysoundcomesoutofhisthroat.He’srock-hard,andwhenheliftsmehigher,fingertipspressedintomyass,tryingtothrustagainsttheperfectspotinme,Ialmostlosecontactwithhisvein.Almost.Iletoutaplaintive,needywhimper,evenasIwritheagainsthiscock.
“Iknow,”hemurmurs,soothing,commanding.“Iknow.Begood,I’mgoingto—”
Thefirsttwitchesofpleasurehitmesohard,sosudden,Icannotprocessthem.Mybackarches,myshouldersshake,mycorespasms,andforalongsecondI’mjustthere—stretched,untethered—untilsomethingclicksandmyorgasmexplodesinsideme,leavingmewithoutbreath.Thepleasureissharp,loud,all-consuminglybright.Itburststoeverything,andthenitdoubles,andthenitswellsagainuntileverythingelseisgone,andIcome,andcome,andcome,sinkingintoitstideforseconds,minutes,centuries.Then,slowly,itshrinkstoaftershockspulsingthroughmybodyandlickingdownmyspine.
I’mgladLoweispinningmetothefireplace,becauseI’velostcontrolofmylimbs.Mybreathisstymied,andIpantintohisstill-openvein.I’m—
Hisvein.Hisprecious,beautifulvein.
I’mnotcapableofrationalthoughtatthemoment,butIleanforwardandsuckatthewoundsIopened,thenlickatthemlikeakitten,rescuingeverylastgreendrop.It’sanautomatism,somethingwritteninmygenes,andLoweseemstoenjoyit,too.Intensesatisfactionradiatesfromhim.Hisbighandsclutchatmyhips.Soft,pleasedpraisesaremutteredagainstmycheekbones.
Thebloodstopsseepingthrough,hisskinsealingshut.Ipullbackfeelingsupremelysmug,brimmingwithprideforajobwelldone.I’mfull.Satiated.Happy.I’mstrongandwarmallover,comfortableinawayIhaven’treallyexperiencedbefore,andit’sallthankstoLowe,andhispowerfulblood,thewayhisheavybreathrollsagainstmyskin—
Oh,God.
Lowe.
“I—”Ipushagainsthisshoulders,andhedoesn’timmediatelyreact.“Letgoofme.”
It’sallittakes.Hegentlylowersmeuntilmyfeetareontheground,thentriestotakeastepback,butIdon’t—can’t—lethim.Iclingtohisshirt,followinghisretreat.
“Misery.”
I’mphysicallyunabletogivehimup.
“Misery.”
Hishoarsevoicejerksmeoutofmytrancelikestate.Iputsomeairbetweenus,whichfeelslikeasupremelybadidea,coldandinvasiveandallwrong.Myhairiswildandthefabricofmydresscaughtatmywaist,butI’mtoobusystaringatLowetodoanythingaboutit.Hispupilshaveswallowedtheirises.Theytraveldownmylegs,mesmerized.
Withthedistance,theawarenessofwhatjusthappenedslowlytricklesintome—thendrownsmelikeawaterflood
Shit.It’snotthatIfedfromhim,eventhoughIdid,butalso…Ihadnocluethat…“Iamsosorry,”Igaspout,straighteningmyclothes.
Heshakeshishead,chestheavingrhythmicallyupanddown.Hiseyesaredifferent.Nothisanymore.
“I’dnever…fromsomeone.Ihadnoideaitwouldbe…DidIhurtyou?”
There’ssomethingraptorialaboutthewayheshakeshishead.Slow,careful.Itakeastepback,feelinglikeI’mbeingtrackedbyamuchstronger,fasterpredator.
“Okay.”Ilickthecornerofmylip.Thisaftertasteinmymouthishisblood,andthereissomethingdeliciouslyeroticaboutit—heisalive,breathinginfrontofme,warmandstrong.Thislivingbeing,thisman,thisWere,producedplasmaandgreenbloodcellsandchosetoprovidemewiththem.
Lifeandsustenance.
It’ssointimate.Sexual,butmorethanthat.NotsomethingIcouldimaginesharingwithjustanyone,exceptfor…
Lowe.Ofcourse.
Ilookdownatmycrumpleddress,feelinglikeachildwhojustfoundoutthatshedidn’treallycomefromthecabbagepatch.
“Misery.”Ipeelmyeyesfrommyfeet.Lowelooksdisheveled.Alittleshell-shocked.Confused.Obviouslyhorny.Hestrokeshiserectiononceoverthetentedfabricofhispants,staringatmyfaceinthatspellboundway.“Areyouokay?”
“Idon’tknow.”Ilickmylips,findingmoretracesofhim.“Idon’tthinkso.”
That’swhenIhearthestepsandrememberwhyIwassuckingonhisbloodasecondago.“They’recoming,”Ihiss,hurryingtothecomputertodisconnectthehardware.Inthefirstluckybreakoftheevening,thecodeisdone.Iunplugeverything,makingsuretoleavenothingbehind.Loweisstillstandingstill,followingmyeverygesturelikeawolfabouttopounceonarabbit.WhenmyfingersdisappearintomycleavagetohidetheUSB,hisbreathhitches.
“Lowe?Youknowsomeone’scoming,right?”
“Yeah,”hesayssimply,andforamomentIthinkhemightbebroken.ThenIrealize—whatshouldweevendo?Run?We’vealreadybeencaught.Nowit’sallaboutcommittingtotheshow.
“Areyouokay?”Iask.BecauseIdidn’tthinkto,before.
Hemurmurs,“Comeback,”ahandoutstretchedinmydirection.Idon’tthinkhe’sokay,butneitheramI,soIcrosstheroom.
Hehugsme,botharmsenvelopingmyshoulders,myheadnestledunderhischin.It’snotlikebefore—notinthatsexual,feverishwaythat’sallaboutheatandsharedskinandcontact.Thishugisallaboutcloseness,andLoweburyinghisnoseinmyhair,andmyheartbeatseekinghis.Weshouldprobablydiscusswhattodowhenthenextpersonbargesin,comeupwithanactionplan,butallIwantistobehere.Clingtohim.
“Icouldfuckyouverynicelyrightnow,”hesaysintomyear.Hesoundshonest,andabitresigned.“Ialmostdid.”
“I’msorry.Ineverimagineditwouldleadto…”
“Iknow.I’mjustreally…”Hislipsmoveagainstmyforehead,softandwarm.“I’veneverfeltlikethis.”
“Likewhat?”
“Turnedon.Smitten.And…andotherthings.”
Ifeeltheexactsame.“I’msorry,”Irepeat.“Itmustbe—I’mgoingtotalktomybrother.ItmightbesomethingI’vedone.”It’snot.It’sjustright.
Lowe’sstubbledragsagainstmytemple.“Haveyouhadenough?”
“Enough?”
“Blood.”
“Oh.Yes.”
But,I’dlikemore.
But,MayIhavemore?
Iwantit.Sobad.I’mabouttosayfuckitandaskforitassertively,likeabiggirl,whenthedooropensagain.Thistime,LoweandImanagetobreakapart.Hestepsprotectivelyinfrontofme,thetendernessbetweenusdissolving.
“Ithoughtmyguardswerehavinghallucinations,”Emerysays,eyeingussuspiciously.“Imusthaveforgottentolockthisroom.”HergazelingersonLowe’sneck—woundless,butfaintlybluish-green.Asifsomeonelatchedontoitanddidn’tletgoforalongwhile.“Whenyoumentionedfeeding,Lowe,Iassumed…”Herlipstwistintosomethingthatresemblesdisgust.
“Youshouldnever.Assume,thatis.”Lowe’svoiceiscutting.
AndthenKoenappearsbehindEmery,leaningagainstthedoorjambwithashit-eatinggrin.“I,forone,amgladthekidsarehavingfun.”
“Yeah,well.Whenyou’redone,pleasecomebacktothetable.We’rewaitingforyoufordessert.”
“AuntEmery,theyalreadyhaddessert.”
EmerymakesarevulsedfaceandbrushespastKoen.Lowedoesn’trelaxevenwhenshe’sgone:hisbroadshouldersremaintense,gazefixedonKoenasifhewereathreat,someoneIshouldbeshieldedfrom,insteadofLowe’smosttrustedandvaluableally.
Which,goingbyhisamusedsmile,Koenknows.“Andtothinkthatyou’rethemostsensibleWereI’veevermet.Lookhowfindinghermadeyou,”hesayscryptically.HegivesLoweafondglance,andthenhisexpressionshifts.“Igotaphonecall.Caltriedtoreachyouwithsomethingimportantbutwasn’tableto.It’surgent.”
“Ileftmyphonebackinmyroom.”
Koen’seyebrowlifts.“Yeah.Notsureitwouldhavemadeadifferenceifithadbeeninyourpocket.”
Lowerollshiseyesbuteasesupafraction.“What’sgoingon?”
“Hementionedthepossibilityofyouheadinghometonightinsteadoftomorrowmorning.SomethingaboutAna,Ithink.”
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER18
Herpresencesootheshimmorethanafull-moonrun.
Itrytousethetimeontheplanetomakesurethatthetrackerisinplaceandworkingremotely,buttheWi-Fisignalistoospotty,andIenduptossingmyRaspberryPitothesidewithanangrygrunt.LoweandIdon’texchangemorethanacoupleofperfunctorywordsontheflight.Hepilotsinafocused,self-assuredway,histhoughtsclearlyfullofconcernforAna.
Myheartachesforhim.
“Itstartedwhenyouleft,”Mickexplainsgrimlywhenhepicksusup.“Iknow,Iknow,”heimmediatelyaddswhenheseesLowe’sexpression,“Ishouldhavetoldyou,butitwasalowfever.Iassumedshe’deatensomethingfunny.Butthenshestartedshiveringandsaidthatherboneshurt.Andstartedtovomit.”
Lowe,whoseAlphanaturemanifeststhroughhavingtodriveeverysinglemeansoftransportheboards,pullsuptothehouse.“Canshekeepliquidsdown?”
“Notmuch.Juno’supstairswithher.”Helooksaboutfiveyearsolderthanwhenweleft.AndsodoJunoandCal,whoarepacingoutsideofLowe’sroom,whereAnachosetomakehersickbed.Iwonderifherbrother’ssmellisthickerinthere,reassuringherthateverythingisgoingtobeallright.
IhavenodoubtLoweisterrified,buthenevershowsit.Evenearliertonight,whenwewereabouttobediscovered,heneverpanicked.Maybeit’sanAlphatrait,themakingofagoodleader:theabilitytoback-burneremotionsandfocusonwhatneedstobedone.IthinkFatherwouldagree.
“Isthis—beingsick.IsitnotsomethingthathappenstofullWeres?”Iask.
CalandMickseemtakenaback.JunojustasksLowe,calmly,“YoutoldheraboutAna?”andseemsunsurprisedwhenhenods.“We’renotreallysusceptibletoviruses,”sheexplainstome,“orbacteria,orwhateverthisis.Thereareselectpoisonsthataffectus,butnotthisway.”
ItoccurstomethatbecauseofAna’sphysiology,aWeredoctorwouldbeuseless.AndbecauseofAna’sphysiology,aHumandoctorwouldputheratriskofbeingdiscovered.“Isitthefirsttimethishashappened?”
Lowenods.“She’shadarunnynoseandsomesneezinginthepast.Wepassedthemoffasallergies.”
“WestillhavethatTylermedicine,”Caloffers.“Theonewegotmonthsago.”
“Tylenol?”Iask.
Hegivesmeanadmiringlook.“Howdoyouknow?”
Ismile.“Justguessing.Thatmighthelpwiththefeverandthepain,but…”Ishrug,andwhiletheotherstrytodecidehowtoproceed,IgocheckonAnadirectly.ShelookssmallandfragileinthemiddleofLowe’skingbed,andherforeheadburnsundermyhand.I’mconvincedshe’sasleep,buther“Canyoukeepitthere?”whenI’mabouttoleavetellsmeotherwise.“Youfeelsocool.”
“WhodoyouthinkIam?”Forherpleasure,Iproduceadeepfrown.“Yourpersonalicepack?”
Hergigglesqueezesmychest.
“Howdoyoufeel?”Iask.
“LikeI’mabouttopukeonyou.”
“CouldyoupleasepukeonSparklesfirst?”
Shegivesitalongthoughtbeforeformallydeclaring,“Asyouwish.”
Lowejoinsusafewminuteslater.HepresseshislipstoAna’stempleandgivesherwhatheannouncestobethefirstofherCaliforniapresents—alargepinkgiraffethatIcannotfigureoutwhereorwhenheacquired.
“WeretheregiraffesinCalifornia?”
“Notinthewild,love.”
Shepursesherlips.“I’dlikeamoreaunenthicpresentnexttime.”
“Noted.”
“Lowe?”
“Yes.”
“ImissMama.”
Lowe’seyesbrieflyfluttershut,likehecan’tbeartokeepthemopen.“Iknow,love.”
“WhydoesMishagettohavetwoparentsandIgetnone?It’snotfair.”
“No.”Hegentlysmoothsdownherhair,andIfeelitdeepinsidemybonesthathe’dburntheentireworldforher.“It’snot.”
Heholdsherheadwhen,justacoupleofminuteslater,anewwaveofnauseahasherdry-retchingintoabucket.Westaywithheruntilshefallsasleep,clutchingbothourhandswithherlittlefingers.
Whenwestepoutoftheroom,therearedeepgroovesaroundLowe’smouth.“I’mgoingtotakehertoHumanterritory,”hesaystotheothers,inthatAlphadecreetoneofhisthatdoesn’tallowpushback.“I’llfindadoctorwhowon’tasktoomanyquestionsorperformanyunnecessaryexams.It’snotideal,butwesimplydon’tknowenoughaboutherHumanhalf,evenatbaseline,tointerpret—”
“Ido,”Iinterrupt.Everyoneturnstogawkatme.“Atleast,IhavemoreexperiencewithHumansthanyouguys.”
“Actually,”Calstarts.
“ExperiencewithHumansthatdoesn’tinvolvemurderingthem,”Itellhimwithapointedlook.HeconcedesthatI’mrightwithasheepishnod.
ButMick,who’susuallymyally,scratcheshisneckandsaysinapainedtone,“Misery,it’sareallykindoffer,butyou’renotaHuman,you’reaVampyre.”
“IlivedamongHumansforoneandahalfdecades.WithaHumansister.”
“You’resayingyouknowwhat’swrongwithher?”Loweasksme.
“No,butI’mfairlysureit’seitherbacterialorviral,andIknowwhatmedsSerenausedforeach.”They’reallstilllookingatmeskeptically.“Listen,I’mnotsayingthisisfoolproof,andI’mnophysician,butit’sprobablybetterthanmovingherwhileshe’salreadysoweak,orexposinghertosomeonewhomightfigureouther…situation.”
“Itseemsrisky.Andthere’snotellingwhatcouldgowrong.”Micksighsandshakeshishead.“WeshouldtakehertoHumanterritory,Lowe.Icandoitmyself.I’llbequickaboutit,andhaveherback—”
“Doyouhavethenamesofthedrugs?”Loweinterrupts,lookingatme
“Icanwritethemdownforyou.You’llneedtogotoaHumanpharmacy,mostofwhichwillbeclosedbynow,andyou’dnormallyneedaprescription,but—”
“Idon’tneedthat.”
Igrin.“Ifigured.”IhavenodoubtthatsomeonelikeLowecanslipinandoutofotherterritoriesundetected.
“Lowe.Misery’sfriendwasfullyHuman.”Mickisprotestingalot,whichisprobablyrelatedtohowinvestedheis.Lowesaidthathelosthisson,andIwonderifthathasanythingtodowiththeattachmenthe’sformedtoAna.
“True,”Isaygently,“butanydoctorwillevaluateherasafullyHumanchild,too.ThereissimplynoonelikeAna.WemightaswelluseSerenaasatemplate.”
“Iagree,”Junointervenes.“WeshouldtrustMisery.”
Micklooksonthevergeofcomplainingagain,soLoweclaspshishandaroundhisshoulder.“Ifthisdoesn’twork,wewilltakehertoadoctor.Tomorrow.”
He’sbackinlessthananhour.We’reallwaitingforhimwithAna,buthiseyesmeetminefirstwhenhestepsinside.Hisknucklesaredustedwithgreenbloodashehandsmethemeds,andI’mrelievedtofindnotracesofred.
ImakequickworkofsmashingthepillsforAna,likeIusedtoforSerenabeforeshelearnedhowtogulpthemdown—anembarrassinglyrecentdevelopment.
“Whysomany?”Anawhines.
“Becausewedon’tknowexactlywhatyouhave,”Iexplain.“Thesewillhelpwhetherit’savirusorbacteria,andthisotheronewillloweryourfever.Nowquitbitching.”
Shesaysthepillstastelikepoison,whichearnsmeseveralnastylooksfromthepeanutgallery.IdecidetomakemyselfscarceandgolookforAlex,hopinghe’sstillawake.I’minluck,becauseIfindhiminLowe’soffice.Iwalkupbehindhim,curiousaboutwhathashimsoengrossedthathedidn’thearmecoming.
“PlayingsmuggledHumangames,andGTAnoless,atyourboss’sdesk.Thesheergalloftoday’sworkforce.”
“Shitabrick!”Healmostfallsoffhischair.“Whereareyou—You’resocloseallofasudden.Ihadgarlicforlunchandmybloodisprobablypoisonoustoyou!”
Igivehimmybestdisappointedpout.“Imissedyou,too.We’reintercepting,right?”
Henods,stillclutchinghischest.“Yes.I’mgettinggreatsignal.Emerycan’tbookachiropractorappointmentwithoutusknowing.”
“Lovely.Anythingyet?”
Heshakeshishead.Hisnostrilstwitch.“Yousmelldifferent.That’swhyIdidn’tnoticeyoucomingin.”
Uh-oh.“Maybemyvampyricstenchisgrowingonyou?”
“No.No,yousmelllike—”
“Bytheway,Loweaskedustoworkonaproject,”Iinterrupt.It’salie.ButIdon’tthinkLowewillmind.
“What?”
It’ssomethingthatjustoccurredtomebecauseofwhatAnasaid.MishagetstohavetwoparentsandIgetnone.WhentryingtofigureoutwhotoldSerenaaboutAna,weassumedthatitcouldn’tbeherfather,becauseheneverbelievedMariawhenshesaidshewaspregnant.Butwhatifthat’snotthewholestory?“HewantsustogetalistofHumanswhowerepartoftheHuman-WereBureau,say,tentofiveyearsago?”Itissaferthansayingeight.Alexisnotstupid.“LoweislookingforpeoplewhowouldhaveinteractedwithWeresinour”—Our?—“inhispack.”
Heblinkscuriously.“Why?”
“Idon’tknow.SomethingcameupwhenwewereatEmery’sandhesaidhe’dneedtoknow.”MaybeI’mabetteractorthanIgavemyselfcreditfor.
“AnypersonwhoworkedfortheBureau?Noothercriteria?”
Irunahandthroughmyhair,thinking.“Men.Justmen.”
“Okay.Yeah,sure.”
“Doyouhavetimetostartnow?”IsmileasfanglesslyasIcan.“Orareyoutoobusyplayingpretendstreetgangster?”
Heflushesacuteshadeofgreen,clearshisthroat,andwespendthenexthourfindingverylittlebecauseofthedisorganizedmessoftheHumanarchives.WegiveupwhenAlexstartsyawning.
“OhmyGod,”hesaysafterIstandtoleave.
“What?”
Hiseyesaremoon-wide.“Igotit.”
“Gotwhat?”
“Whatyousmelllike.”
Fuck.“Goodnight,Alex.”
“WhydoyousmelllikemyAlphamarkedyou?”isthelastthingIhearasIheadbacktoAna’sroom.
MickandCalhaveleft,butLoweandJunoarestandingoutsideofhisroom,talkinginhushedtones.TheyfallsilentwhenIarrive,andturntomewithheavyeyes.
Ifreeze.“Shit.Issheokay?”
Juno’sresponseonlylagsaboutasecond,butmystomach’sweightdoubles.“Herfeverbroke,andshe’sbeenabletokeepliquidsdown.Shesaidyour‘grossstuff,’directquote,madeherfeelmuchbetter.”
Ismile.“Really?”
“Yup.”ShegivesherAlphaanappraisinglook.Hereyesbouncebetweenthetwoofus,andthensheadds,“Youguysmakeasurprisinglygoodteam.”
“Itwasmostlyme.”IdustoffthedressIputonfordinnerandamsomehowstillwearing.
Juno’smouthtwitches.“Justtakethecompliment.”
“Fine,”Iconcede,watchingherwaveatLoweandleave.Thisfriendship,orlackofenmity,appearstobehighlyrewardingtomydopaminergicsystem.
IexpecttofindLowesmiling.Insteadhe’sstaringatmewithagrave,almosthauntedexpression.
“IsAnaasleep?”
Henods.
“Doyouwanttosleepinmybed?”Histhroatbobsbeforeitoccurstometoclarify.“Isleepinthecloset,anyway.Andyoucouldkeepthedooropen,incaseAnawakesup,and…I’mnotcomingontoyouwhileyoursisterisstillsickbecauseofwhathappenedbetweenusearlier,”Ifinish,considerablylessstronglythanIbegan.
ButIdon’tthinkhecares.Honestly,Idoubthe’slistening.Henodsrobotically,andoncehefollowsmeinsidemyroom,hisgazefixesonthenightoutsidethewindow.Onsomethingthatmightnotevenbethere.
Thereisanunpleasanttwistinmythroat.Isitonthebaremattressandsoftlycall,“Lowe?”
Hedoesn’trespond.Hiseyes,paleandotherworldly,sticktothedarkness.
“Isthere…Areyouokay?”
I’mafraidhe’llignorethisquestion,too.Butafewminuteslater,heshakeshishead.Slowly,heturnsandcomestostandinfrontofme.“Whatifyouhadn’tbeenhere?”hemurmurs.
“I…What?”
“Ifyouhadn’tbeenhere,withyourknowledgeofHumananatomy.”Hisjawworks.“I’dhavehadtochoosebetweenherhealthandhersafety.”
“Ah.”Iseenowwhereallofthisiscomingfrom.Iseeit,andIfeelit,deepinthepitofmystomach,astonesinkingheavily.“It’llbeokay.She’llbeokay.It’sprobablyjusttheflu.”
“Whatifnexttimeit’ssomethingmoreserious?SomethingsheneedsextensiveHumanmedicalcarefor?”
“Itwon’t.LikeIsaid,she’llbeokay—”
“Willshe?”heasks,inatonethatmakesitimpossibleformetolie.
Thetruthis,Idon’tknow.IhavenoideawhetherAnawillbeokay.IhavenoideawhetherLoweandIwillbeokay.IhavenoideawhetherSerenaisalive.Ihavenofuckingideawhetherawarisinevitable,whethermypeoplecareenoughaboutmenottoleavemehereasitsfirstcasualty,whethereverysinglechoiceI’vemadesincethedayIturnedeighteenwasamistake.
Ihavenoideawhatwillhappen,Ihavenoideawhathashappened,andit’sterrifying.IrespectLowe,thismanwhofeelssosimilartome,thismanI’veknownlessthanahandfulofweeksandyetcannotquitemakemyselfnottrust.Irespecthimtoomuchtolietohim,ortolietomyselfinhispresence.
SoIsay,“I’mnotsure,”andit’sbarelyawhisper,buthehearsme.Henods,andInod,andwhenhesinkstohisknees,whenheburieshisfaceinmylap,Iwelcomehim.Letmyhandsrunoverhissofthair.Feelhisdeepinhale.Hisshoulders,sobroadandstrong,riseandfall.Islidemyhanddownthebackofhisneck,insidehisshirt,hopingmycoolskinwillbeassoothingashisheatistome.
“Misery,”hesighs,andhisbreathwarmstheskinofmybellythroughthefabricofthedress,andI’mstillalone,stilldifferent,stillmostlyonmyown,butmaybealittlelessthanusual.Hisfingersclosesoftlyaroundmyankle,themetalofhisweddingbandhotagainstskinandbones,andforthefirsttimeinmorethanIcanremember,Ifeelheld.
I’mhere,Isay,onlyinmyhead.Withyou.
WestaylikethatforlongerthanIcankeeptrackof.
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Sheisfearless,andthethoughtterrifieshim.
Thisquestionyoujustaskedme…Idon’tlikeit.”
NotrollingmyeyesatOwenrequiresadegreeofcontrolovermyocularmusclesIdidn’tknowIhad.NormallyIwouldn’tbotherwithcivility,butIneedmybrothertogetmesomeanswers.
Ontheplusside,Ludwigisnotpayingattentiontomycall.Earliertoday,whenIfoundhiminthesunroomtrimmingaroseplantandaskedwhetherIcouldchatwithmybrother,helookedatmelikeIwasaskingforpermissiontogetaligertattoo.“Idon’tcare.Lowesaidyourmovementsarenottoberestricted.Callwhoeveryoulike.”Apause.“Maybeavoidphonesex,butreally,it’suptoyou.”
“Isphonesexevenathinganymore?”
“Prettysureallkindsofsexareathing,andwillbetillthesunswallowstheEarth.”Hewentbacktopruning,thenadded,“Ifyou’reorderingpizza,getextralarge.”
I’mnotsurewhyaVampyrewouldorderpizza,butI’dlovetobeonthephonewithsomeboredteenagertryingtoupsellmesomegarlicknots.Andnotatthemercyofaless-than-lovingbrother’sjudgment.
“Yourdislikebreaksmyheart,”ItellhimintheTongue,straight-faced.“Pleaseansweranyway.”
“Whohaveyoufedfrom?”
Istraightenmyface.Evenmore.“Ididn’tsayIfedfromsomeone.”
“No.Youaskedwhethertherecanbeanynegativeconsequencesifalivesourceisfedupon,andIbrilliantlydeducedit.Becauseyou’veneverexhibitedanycuriosityonthetopicbefore,and—I’mnotadamnidiot.Who?”
Iletoutadeepbreath.“Whodoyouthink?”
Heface-palms.“Yourhusband.YourWerehusband.YourAlphaWerehusband”
“Please.”
“Didyouforcehim?”
“What?No.”
Hiscurseisnotsoft.“DonottellFatherthishappened.”
“Why?”
“He’dtrytoexploitit”
“Howis—Inwhatwayisthereanythingtoexploitaboutthis?”
Hepinchesthebridgeofhisnose.“Misery,doyouknownothing?”
“WhatshouldIknow?”
“Howdidyounotjustpickupstuffgrowingup?”
ThenoisethatcomesoutofmythroathasLudwigcheckinginonme.“Fromwhom?FrommyHumancaregivers?”
“Okay”Hishandslift,asilentorderformetostayquietwhilehecollectshimself.IconsiderhanginguponhimandaskingFatheroutofspite.“It’snotnormalforhimtoletyoufeed.ForanyWeretoletaVampyrefeed”
“MaybeLowedoesn’tknowthat.”
“Ourspecieshavebeenenemiesforcenturies.Doyouthinktheydidn’tgrowupthinkingthatbeingsuckedonbyaleechisthehighestlevelofdefilement?Doyouthinkusinghisbloodtokeepalivethepeoplewhokilledhisancestorsissomethinghispackwillbeokaywith?”
IrememberEmery’sdisgustedexpression.Herseconds’gasps.EvenKoenhadtosuppresshisinitialshockatseeingmymarksonLowe’sneck.
AndLowe,pullingmetohimselfafterIsaidIwasn’tokay.
“Loweisdifferent.”
“Clearly.Andclearlythisissomethingyoushouldbringtoyourgrave.It’sobviousthatthereissome…friendshiphere”
Ithinkaboutitforaminute,thennod.
“Sohetookalikingtoyou.”Herubshisforehead.“Thisisweird.I’mgladyou’realiveandmaybegoingtostaythatway,but—”
“It’sweirderthanthat.WhenIfedfromhim…”
“Misery.”Hegivesmeablisteringlook.“IwentthroughpubertyinVampyreterritory.Iknowexactlywhathappenedwhenyoufedfromhim.Please,donotcontinue.Peoplewhosharedaplacentaforninemonthsshouldnottalkaboutthisstuff”
AmIflushing?Iam.“We’redizygotictwins,whichmeansthatweneversharedaplacentaoranumbilicalcord.Awombatbest,really”
“Still,donotsubjectmetoaretelling.”Owentipshisheadbackandlooksattheceiling.
“CanyoujusttellmeiftherewillbeanynegativeconsequencesforLowe?IwanttobesureIdidn’tharmhim.”
Owensighs.“Aslongasyoudidn’ttaketoomuch,he’llbefineAndyou’llprobablybefine,too?Honestly,therearen’tthatmanycasestudiesofVampyresfeedingfromWeres”
“Okay.”Phew.“Thankyouforlettingmeknow.Haveagoodlife.I’mhangingupnow—”
“Misery,listencarefully.Thereisareasonourspeciesdecidedtotransitionfromlivefeedingassoonasthetechnologytosafelydrawandstorebloodbecameavailable.Drinkingfromalivesourceisnotjustsomethingthat’shardtoteaseapartfromsex.Ithashormonalandbiologicalconsequencesthataretrivialinthemomentbutmightbuildupinthelongrun.That’swhyit’sbeendiscouragedamongVampyresforcenturies—weneedtofuckasmanypeopleaswecanandreproduce,notformbonds.Repeatfeedingscreatecomplexdynamicsthat…”Hestopsabruptly,shakinghishead.Hisexpressionhassoftened,andIwonderifhehasdoneitbefore.Ifit’ssomethinghe’dwanttodowithsomeoneelse.“Don’tdoitagain,Misery.Behisfriend.Buildachickencoopwithhim.Fuckhim,ifyouwantButdonotfeedfromLoweMorelandagain”
Theirritationofbeingtoldwhattodobymyuselessbrotherstickswithmetheentirenight.I’mstillmiffedhourslater,whenIwanderintothekitchenafterreadingastorytoAna,aboutanannoyingllamawho’sbeingdeservedlybulliedbyagoat.
Theplaceisdarkanddeserted,soIopenmyfridgeandtakeoutthejarofpeanutbutter.It’snotlikeIplannedtofeedfromLoweeveragain.NordoIthinkhe’dappreciateit,giventhequestionablesideeffects.I’mheretofindSerena,andI’venotforgotten.ButOwenhasnorightto—
“ThemanyouandAlexarelookingfor.He’sAna’sfather,isn’the?”
“Yeah.”Ishrugmechanically,dippingthetipofaspooninthepeanutbutter.“Ifiguredit’dbethemostlikelywaySerena—”Iturnaround,abruptlyrealizingthatI’mnothavingaconversationwithmyselfanymore.Lowestandsbythetable,armscrossed.Eyesveiledwithsomething.“Whendidyougethere?”
“Justnow.”
“Oh.”Wehaven’treallytalkedsincetwonightsago,whenweawkwardlyuntangledfromeachotherafterAnawokeupandcalledforaglassofwater.Hestoodinfrontofme,asearnestandshakenasIfelt,andthenlefttotakecareofher.Islippedintomycloset,underthemoundofpillowsandblankets,smilingalittlewhenIoverheardthemtalkingaboutthepinkgiraffeinhushedtones.They—okay,Ana—namedherSparkles2.
Yesterdaywassomesortofhearingday,withlotsofWerescomingovertobringconcerns,advice,requeststotheirAlpha.Iremainedveryoutofthewayforthat,butmostofthemeetingshappenedinthepierarea,andfrommywindowitwasfascinating,witnessingthespanofLowe’sresponsibilities.Icouldn’thelpoverhearinghowwarmlyandeasilyheinteractedwithpackmembers,andhowmanyofthemlingeredjusttoexchangeajokeortomentionhowrelievedtheyarethatRoscoeisgone.
IguessIfeltenvious.MaybeI,too,wantedaminutewiththeAlpha.MaybeduringourtripIgotusedtohavinghimnearby.
“Ana’sfather.Why?”Hetalkslikewe’repastpreambles,andIthinkwemightbe.
“Whynot?”
Heliftsoneeyebrow.
“Whatifhedidknow?Whatifhedidbelieveyourmothereventually?Whatifhetoldsomeoneelse?”
Hetiltshishead,curiousandwolflike,andhumsformetocontinue.
“Serenawasalotofthings,butcomputersavvywasn’toneofthem.Nothingastragicasyou”—IpowerthroughLowe’sglare—“butifIwasn’tabletofindtracesofAnawhilesnoopingaround,it’sveryunlikelyshecameacrossitonherown.Whichmeansthatsomeonemusthavetoldher,andweneedtofigureoutwho.”Ishakemyhead,marvelingforthemillionthtimeatAna’sexistence.She’shere.She’sperfect.She’slikenothingI’veeverconceivedofbefore.HowthefuckdidSerenagetembroiledwithher?ThetheoryIkeepcomingbacktoissomeonepitchingAna’sstorytoahungryyoungjournalist.ButtheSerenaIknowwouldnever,nevergopublicwithAna’sidentity.“Lowe,ifitmakesyouuncomfortable,ifyoufeellikethisisintrudingonyourmother’sprivacy,I’mokaywithpursuingthisoneonmyown.”
“Itdoesn’t.Whatyou’resayingmakessense,andIwishI’dthoughtofitsooner.”
“Okay.Well,gladtohaveyouonboard.Junodidsaythatwemakeagoodteam.”
“Andyourepliedthat—”
“Whoevenremembers?”Igesturebreezily,andfeelmyfaceslowlywidenintoasmuggrin,onewithfangs.Hesmilesback,smallandwarm.Andthenweseemtoreachanimpasse:I’mnotsurewhattosay,neitherishe,andtheeventsofthelasttime,no,twotimesweweretogetherfinallycatchupwithus.
I’mnocoward,butIdon’tthinkIcanbearit.
I’vebeenwantingtobeinhispresence,butnowI’mnotsurewhattodowithhim.SoIdipmyspooninthepeanutbutterjaroncemore,justtokeepbusy,andstuffitinmymouth.“Well,IthinkI’moverdueformynightlybath,justtoavoidsmellinglikephlegm.AfterthatIhaveahotdatewithAlex,so—”
“Doesphlegmsmell?”heasks.
“I…Doesit?”
“Noclue.Weresdon’tgetcolds.”
“Stopbragging.”
“Doyougetcolds?”
“Nope,butI’mclassyaboutit.”
“You’dbeclassierifyoudidn’thavepeanutbutteronyournose.”
“Damn.Where?”
Hedoesn’tsay,butcomesforwardtoshowme,walkingintomeuntilI’mnestledbetweenhimandthecounter,and…amIcornered,here?ByaWere?Awolf,thestuffofbogeymantales?
Yes.
Yes,I’mcornered,andno,I’mnotscared.
“Here.”Hishandswipesthetipofmynose.Heholdshisfingertipuptoshowmethesmallclumpofpeanutbutter.Ishouldbewonderinghowitgottheretobeginwith.WhatIdo,instead,isleanforwardandlickitoffLowe’sthumb.
Iregretitinstantly.
Idon’tregretitatall.
Icontaineverypairofopposingfeelingsashiseyes,pupilsexpandinginawayminecouldnever,fixonmymouthinanentranced,absentway.
Ishouldnothavedoneit.Mystomachtwistsinwhatfeelslikepainandsomethingelse,somethingsweetandhot.“Ana’sfeelingmuchbetter,”Isay,hopingthatit’lldefusethisthicktensionbetweenus.
We’reaseesaw,LoweandI.Constantlypushingandpullingforaprecariousbalanceonthebrinkofthis…whateverthisisthatwearealwaysabouttofallinto.Alternatinginchaos.
“She’scompletelyhealed,”heagrees.We’retooclosetobehavingthisconversation.We’rejust—reallyclose.
“Backtoherpesteringself.”
Hetakesasmallstepback,barelyaninch,andIalmostcrywithrelief,ordisappointment,orboth.“Yeah,”hesays,eventhoughthere’snoquestiontoanswer.It’spunctuation—he’sleaving.He’saboutto
“Wait,”Iblurtout.
Hestops.Doesn’tevenaskmewhyI’mkeepinghimhere,tetheredtome.Heknows.Theatmospherebetweenusistooawkwardandrichandlushforhimnottoknow.
“Doyou—”hestarts,withasmall,abortive,uncharacteristicallyinsecuregestureofhishand,justasIsay,“Whendid—”
Wefallsilentatonce,lettingthesentencesswingbetweenus.Thesilenceswells,triples,andwhenitreachescriticalmass,itburstsinsidemyhead.
ThistimeI’mtheonemovingcloser.Myheadswimsdeliciously.“What’shappening?Whatis—thisthingbetweenus?”
“Idon’tknow,”hesays.Andthen.“Thatwasalie.Idoknow.”
Iknow,too.Mystomachisanempty,openache.“Youhaveamate.”
Henodsslowly.“It’sneverfarfrommymind.”
“AndI’maVampyre.”IhavetolickmyfangstomakesurethatIreallyamone.Becausemypeopledon’titchtotouchhis.It’ssimplynothowthingsgo.
“Youare.”Hiseyesareonmyteeth,andyeah.Hedoesn’tmindthematall.
“Thiscan’tbereal,canit?”
Heissilent.LikeIhavetoworkthroughtheansweronmyown,andhecannotdoitforme.
“Itjustfeelsreal,”Itellhim.I’mheated.Glowing.Ididn’tthinkmybodywascapableofthesetemperatures.“I’mafraidI’mmisinterpreting,maybe.”
Oneofhishands,largeandwarm,curvesaroundmywaist,tentativeatfirst,thenfirm,likeasingletouchisenoughtodoublehisgreed.“It’sokay,Misery.”Histhumbclimbstothebackofmyneck,rubbingoverthefinehairsatmynape,andIshiverinhisarms.“Itcanjustbeus,”hewhispers.
Suddenly,I’mnotsurethatthere’ssomethingwrongaboutthefactthatwe’reabouttokiss.Itfeelsright,forsure.I’veneverkissedanyonebefore,andIliketheideaofmyfirstbeingspecial.AndLowe—Loweisthatandmore.
I’munsteady.Muddled.Off-balance.Butit’snormal.Whowouldn’tbe,nexttosomeonelikehim,someonewho’dcarrythemthrough?SoIstretchonthetipsofmytoes,leaningintohistouch,andIfeelshaky.
Ifeelready.
Ifeelhappy.
Ifeellight-headed,asthoughI’mmadeofglass,abouttoshatterintopieces.Mylimbshaveneverbeenthisheavy,andIwishIcouldjustdroptotheground
Yes,Ithink.I’lljustletmyselfdothat.
“Misery.”Themixofworryandfearinhisvoiceisunexpected.“Whyareyouso—”
Searingpainstabsthroughoutmybody,andthat’swhentheworldturnspitch-dark.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER20
Whoeverdidthiswillpay.
Slowly.
Painfully.
Thenextfewhoursaresheer,concentratedagony.
Themereactofbreathingisanordeal.Mystomachhurtslikeit’sabouttodigestitself,bruisedfromtheinsideoutbyathousandwildcreatureswhoarehavingwaytoomuchfuncarvingtheirnameinitsliningwitharustyknife.Thereareseveralmoments—andthenasingleone,long,protracted—whenI’msure,justsure,thatthisistheend.Nolivingbeingcansustainthisleveloftorment,andI’mgoingtodie.
Whichisjustfine.NothingcanbeworsethanwhatI’mexperiencing.Iwelcometheblissfulreleaseofnothingnessandallthatgoodshit,butjustwhenI’mabouttotipintothevoid,somethingpullsmeback.
Firstthere’ssomeone—okay,Lowe,yes,Lowe—givingorders.Barkingorders.Growlingorders.OrperhapsnotLowe,becauseI’veneverseenhimanywaybutincontrol.Hesoundsdesperate,whichmakesmewanttocrawloutofmycornerofpainandreassurehimthatit’llbeokay—maybenotme,buteverythingelse.
Andyet,I’munabletospeakforeons.Many,manytimesIdriftrightuptotheedgeofconsciousness,onlytosinkbackintosweaty,suffocatingdarkness.AndwhenIfinallymanagetodragmyeyesopen…
“Theresheis.”
Dr.Averill?Itrytosay,butmytongueisgluedtotheroofofmymouth.
Iknowhim.TheCollateral’sofficialphysician.WithdiplomaticpassageintoHumanterritory,wherehe’dgivemeannualcheckupstoensurethatIremainedhealthyenoughto…bekilledifthealliancedissolved,Iguess?Hisdutiesmusthaveexpanded,whichisashame,becausehelooksasancientnowashedidwhenIwasten.Exceptthatthere’ssomethingweirdabouthim.Isheexperimentingwithfacialhair?
“LittleMiseryLark.It’sbeenawhile.”
“Notthemustache,”Islur,delirious,unabletokeepmyeyelidsup.
Hecluckshistongue.“Ifyouhavetheenergytoquestionmyappearance,maybeyoudon’tneedthispainkiller,”hemuttersintheTongue,orneryasalways.Iwouldbegmyapologies,clawthatsyringeoutofhishandsandintomybody,buttheneedleisalreadypushingintomyarm.
Theburningquiets.Therearevoices,frominsidetheroomorseveralmilesaway
“—herorganismdealswiththepoison.She’llgraduallyslipintoahealingtrance.She’lllookverystill,andyou’llbeworriedthatshe’sdead.Butit’ssimplytheVampyreway.”
“Howlong?”Loweasks.
“Severalhours.Days,maybe.Don’tlookatmelikethat,youngman.”
Afewmutteredcurses.“WhatdoIdo?”
“There’snothingtodo.It’sherbody’sjobtocombattheinfectionnow.”
“ButwhatdoIdo?Forher?”
Dr.Averillsighs.“Makehercomfortable.Atsomepointaftershewakesup,she’llneedtofeed—morethanusual,inquantityandinfrequency.Makesurethatyouhavebloodatherdisposal,thefresherthebetter.”
Alongpause.IpictureLowerunningahandoverhisjaw.Hisworriedgesture.
“Andofcourse,there’sthematterofherfather.I’llhavetoinformCouncilmanLarkaboutwhathappened.Hemightseethisasanactofaggression,evenawardeclarationagainsttheVampyres…”
Dr.Averill’svoicefades,andIfallbackinsidemyself.
“…needtorest.”
“No.”
“Comeon,Lowe.Youneedtosleep.I’llwatchoverherwhileyou—”
“No.”
“—takeAnaaway.”
“WecannotbesurethatAnawastherealtarget,”Mickprotests.“TheintendedvictimcouldhavebeenMisery.”
“ButwhatifAnawas?”Junopointsout.“Weshouldn’triskit.”
“Agreed,”Calsays.“Let’smoveAnatoasafeplaceuntilwefindoutwhodidthis.”
“WeallknowitwasEmery.”Mick.
“Iknownosuchthing,andI’mdoneassuming.”Loweisicily,murderouslyangry.“Mywifewasonthebrinkofdeathuntilhoursago.I’mgoingtomoveAnatoasafeplace.Thisisnotupfordiscussion.”
“Wherewillyoumoveher?”Mickasks.
“That’sformetoknow.”
Coollipspressasoftkissintomyfeverishpalm.
“Misery,I…”
Icomeoutofthehealingtranceallatonce,likeasalmonburstingfromastream.
Isitupinbed,clammyandbreathlessandutterlydisoriented,andwaitforthepaintomakeitselfknown.Iexpectittofollowitsusualroads:startfrommystomach,irradiateouttomylimbs,rakethroughmynerveslikeanarmyofknives.Whennothinghappens,Ilookdownatmybodyinbafflement,wonderingwhereit’sgone.Butthereitis:colderthanusual,perhaps;paler,definitely;intact,ultimately.
Healed?Ipullbackthecoverstotestthattheory.ThelargewhiteT-shirtI’mwearingdoesn’tbelongtome,buttheprettylaceunderwearismine—courtesyoftheweddingstylist.Ihaven’twornitsincetheceremony,andIrefusetowonderhowitendeduponme.InsteadIstand.EventhoughI’mwobblierthananewborncalf,mylegsarefunctional.Ipushthroughtheexhaustionandforcemyselftowalk.
Theclockonthewallsaysonethirtyinthemorning,andthehouseisdeadsilent,butI’mfairlysurethatmorethanafewhourshavepassedsinceIfirstlostconsciousness.DidIskipaday?Ihavenophonetocheck,soIdothepre-technologything:headoutsidetoasksomeone.
Hopefullynotthepersonwhopoisonedmypeanutbutter.
Iopenthedoortoadimlylithallwayandalmoststumbleonthepileofclothesrightoutside—Anagivingherdollsanothermakeover,Ibet.Iholdontothewallandweaklysteparoundit,butthepilemoves
Ituncurls.Thengetsup.Thenstretches,verymuchlikeacatwould.Thenitopensitseyes,whichhappentobeaverybeautiful,verypale,veryfamiliargreen.
Becauseit’snotapileatall.It’sawolf.Curledoutsidemyroom.Guardingmydoor.
Ahugewhitewolf.
Afuckinggiganticwhitewolf.
“Lowe?”Myvoiceisunusedandrusty.Imayhavebeenoutmorethanjustoneday.“Isthatyou?”
Thewolfblinksatme,stillenjoyinghisstretch.Iblinkback,hopefullystumblingontheMorsecodeforplsplsplsdon’teatme
“Idon’twanttoassume,buttheeyeslooklikeyours,and…”
Hetrotstome,andIscurrybackinablastofpanic,plasteringmyselftothewall.Oh,shit.Oh,shit.He’sjustsomuchlargerthanCal,somuchlargerthanIthoughtwolvescouldbe.Isqueezemyeyesshut,notwantingahigh-defviewofmyduodenumgettingrippedoutofmyabdominalcavityandtheneaten.
Andthensomethingsoftanddamppokesmeinthehip.Icrackoneeyelidopen,andthereitis:amuzzle,pressingagainstmyskin.Pushinggently,butfirmly.Likehe’sherdingme.Backinsidetheroom.
“Youwantmeto…?”Hedoesn’treply,butheradiatessatisfactionwhenItakeafewstepsback,andwhenIstop,henudgesmeagain,evenmoreinsistent.“Okay.I’mgoing.”
ImarchbackwhereIcamefrom.Thewolffollowsatmyheels,andoncewe’rebothintheroom,angleshisbodyandclosesthedoorwithmoreeasethananyonewithoutopposablethumbsshoulddisplay.
“Lowe?”Ijustwanttobesure.Theeyesseemproofenough,but…God,I’mexhausted.“Itisyou,right?”
Hepadstome.
“You’renotJuno?OrMick.Please,tellmeyou’renotKenDoll.”
Asoft,rumblynoiserisesfromthebackofhisthroat.
“IguessIexpectedyourfurwouldbedark.Becauseyourhairis.”Ilethimprodmetowardthebed.“Yes,I’mgoingbacktosleep.Ifeelliketotalshit,butnotthebed,please.Thecloset.”
Heunderstands,becausehecloseshisveryimpressivejawsaroundapillowandcarriesittothecloset.Andthendoesthesamewithablanket,undermybemusedstare.
“God,you’rejustsofluffy.And…sorry,butyou’rekindacute.Iknowyoucouldmurdermeinlesstimethanittakestostickastrawinabloodbag.Butyou’resoft.Andyourcoatisnotevensparklypink.Idon’tknowwhatyouwereembarrassedabout,youmajesticfluffball—yes,fine,I’mgoing.”
Heallbutdragsmetothecloset,anddoesn’tstopbossingmearounduntilI’mlyingdowninmyfavoritespot.Iwonderhowhemanagedtofindit.Mightbeascentthing.
“FYI,yourAlphatendenciesareevenworseinthisform.”
Histonguedartsoutandlicksatmyneck.
“Ew,gross,”Igiggle.Histeethclosearoundmyarm.Ajoking,playfulwarningthatcouldshattermyulna.Butwon’t.
“CanIpetyou?”
Hisheadturnstobuttundermyhand.Yes,please.
“Well,then,”Ihalflaugh,halfyawn,scratchinghimbehindtheears,luxuriatinginthebeautiful,comfortingfeelingofhiscoat.It’snothardtoask,notwhenhe’sinthisform,afiercehunterwholovesacuddle:“Doyouwanttostay?Sleepwithme?”
Apparently,it’snothardtosayyes,either.Lowedoesn’thesitatebeforecurlingrightnexttome.
AndwhenIinhaledeeply,thesmellofhisheartbeatisallit’salwaysbeen:familiar,spicy,rich.
Ifallasleeptwinedwithhim,feelingsaferthaneverbefore.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER21
ShetoldhimVampyresdonotdream.Andyet,oncehermiddayrestisoverandtheeveningapproaches,hersleepbecomesfitful,agitated.Histouchseemstocomforther,andthethoughtfillshimwithprideandpurpose.
SerenaarrivedattheCollateralresidenceattheendofapleasantlymildJanuary,manymonthsafterIfirstmovedin,andcameofageatthebeginningofanunpleasantlywetApril,spentcrunchingnumberstoseehowlongthetransitionalsumofmoneyallottedtoherbytheHuman-VampyreBureauwouldstretchintherealworld.Theraintickedandticked,incessantagainstthewindowpanes.Wepackedourbagsandtriedtodecidewhatpiecesofthepastdecadetobringintoournewlives,siftingthroughmemories,splittingaparttheoneswehatedfromtheoneswestillhatedbutcouldnotbeartoletgo.
That’swhenhearrived:achildofeight,thenewCollateral,sentfromtheVampyresforhisofficialvestingceremony.HewasescortedbyDr.AverillandseveralothercouncilorsIrecalledmeetingatvariousdiplomaticrelations.Aseaoflilaceyes.Conspicuously,nottheboy’sparents’.
Itwasasignthatweweretakingtoolongtovacatethepremises,butwedidn’tspeedup.Instead,Serenastaredatthechildroamingthespotlesshallwaysinwhichwe’dskinnedourknees,foughtoverhide-and-seekrules,practicedless-than-video-worthychoreographies,rantedaboutthecasualcrueltyofourcaregivers,wonderedifwe’deverfitinsomewhere,panickedoverhowtokeepintouchaftertheendofourtimetogether.
“Whyaretheyalwayschildren?”sheaskedme.
“Hemustberelatedtosomeoneimportant.”Ishrugged.“That’showyoumaketheCollateraladeterrent,bytakingtheheirtoaprominentfamily.Someonewho’svaluedbyapersoninpower.”
Shesnorted.“Theyhaven’tmetyourfather.”
“Ouch,”Isaidwithalaugh.
Thechildhearditandwanderedourway,eyeslingeringonmymouth,asthoughhesuspectedImightbelikehim.Whenheapproachedus,Serenadroppedtoherkneestolevelwithhim.“Ifyoudon’twanttobehere,”shesaid,“ifyou’drathercomewithus,justsaytheword.”
Idon’tthinkshehadaplan—notevenacontrived,improbableoneonlyforshow.AndIdon’tknowhowwewouldhaverescued—abducted?—thechildifhe’daskedustowhiskhimaway.Wherewouldwehavekepthim?Howwouldwehaveprotectedhim?
Butit’swhoSerenawas.Badass.Caring.Committedtodoingtherightthing.
Thechildsaid,“Thisisanhonor.”Hesoundedrehearsed,tooformalforhisyears.NotatalllikeIdidwhenIwasnineandbeggedFathertoletmegobacktoVampyreterritoryover,andover,andoveragain.“IamtobetheCollateral,andthatisaprivilege.”Heturnedaroundandleft.
Iwasofage,andfinallyfree,andchosenottoattendhisceremony.
Thisisnotacorememoryforme.Ibarelyeverrecallit,butI’mthinkingaboutitnow,awakejustbeforesundown.Perhapsbecauseofwhatcameafterthechildleftus:Serena,furiouslydeterminedtoburndowntheentireworld—theVampyres,theHumans,andwhoeverelsemadethemselvesanaccompliceoftheCollateralsystem.
Ilistenedtoherrantwithoutquiteunderstandingher,becausethemostIcouldfeelwasresignation.Therewaslittlefightleftinme,andIsimplycouldn’taffordtospenditonsomethinghopelessandunchangeablewhenwakingupeverymorninginahostileworldwasalreadysoexhausting.Herangerwasadmirable,butIdidn’tgetitthen.
Igetitnow,though.Inthefuzzy,yellowlightfilteringintomyclosetandsplatteringoverthewalls,intheworn-outachethathasnestedinmybones—Igetherangernow.Somethingwithinmemusthavechanged,butIstillfeellikeafairlyaccurateversionofmyself:exhausted,butfurious.Aboveall,gladtobealive.BecauseIhavesomethingtodo.SomethingIcarefor.PeopleIwanttokeepsafe.
AndIneedyoutocareaboutonesinglefuckingthing,Misery,onethingthat’snotme.
Well,Serena,you’restillpartofthis,whetheryouwantitornot.Butthere’sAna,too.AndLowe,whoreallyneedssomeonetotakecareofhim.Infact,Ishouldgotohim.
Standingtakesmeseveraltries.He’snotinhisroom,soIwrapablanketaroundmyshouldersandmakemywaydownstairs.Thetripfeelsfivetimeslongerthanusual,butwhenIwalkintothelivingroom,he’sthere,surroundedbyoveradozenpeople.
Hisseconds,allofthem.AfewofthemIknow,butmostI’mseeingforthefirsttime.Itmustbeameeting,becauseeveryonelookspinch-eyedandserious.AhandsomeWerewithcornrowsissayingsomethingaboutsupplies,andIcatchthetailendofhisexplanation,seeseveralpeoplenod,andthenlosetrackwhenafamiliarvoiceasksafollow-upquestion.
Becauseit’sLowe’s.
Therestoftheroomfades.Isinkintothedoorframeandstareathisfamiliarface,thedarkshadowsunderhiscleareyesandthestubblehehasn’tbotheredshaving.Hespeakswithpatienceandauthority,andIfindmyselflingering,listeningtotherhythmofhisdeepvoiceifnottothecontent,mymarrow-deepexhaustionsoothedatlast.
Thenhestops.Hisbodytensesasheturns,atonceintenselyfocusedonme.Everyoneelsestares,too,notquitewiththethinlyveileddistrustI’dexpectfromthem.
“Youshouldgo,”Lowecommandssomberly.“I’llseeyoulater.”
“Oh,yeah.”Iflush.I’macutelyawarethatI’mhalfnakedandcrashinganimportantpackmeetingthat’sprobablyabouthowtohandletheirnever-endingconflictwithmypeople.“Ididn’tmeantointerrupt.”Buthe’scrossingtome,andwhenthesecondsstand,IrealizethatI’mnottheonebeingdismissed.
Loweisinhisusualhumanform,andIwonderwhetherIhallucinatedmyencounterwiththewhitewolf.Hissecondswalkpastus,somenoddingatmeontheirwayout,afewpattingmyback,allwishingmewell.I’munsurewhattosayuntilLoweandIarefinallyalone.“So.”Igestureatmyselfwithaflourish.“ItappearsthatIsurvived.”
Henodsgravely.“Myfelicitations.”
“Why,thankyou.HowlongwasIout?”
“Fivedays.”
Iclosemyeyes.“Wow.”
“Yeah.”Thereisamicrocosminthewayhesaystheword.Iwanttoexploreit,butI’mdistractedbytheslighttwitchinhisfingers.Likehe’sactivelystoppinghimselffromreachingout.
“Arewe—you…atwar?WiththeVampyres?”
Heshakeshishead.“Itcameclose.Thecouncilwasnothappy.”
“Aw.IbetFatherwasheartbroken.”Not.
Lowe’ssetjawtellsmehowperfectlyfineFatherwas.“Onceweweresurethatyou’dpullthrough,AverillpointedouttothecouncilthatthepoisonistoxictoWeres,too,andthatsinceyouingesteditthroughWerefood,it’sunlikelythatitwasmeantforyoutobeginwith.”
“Oh,God.”Ihidemyfaceintothedoorjamb.“DoesFatherknowaboutthepeanutbutter?”
“Isthatwhatworriesyou?”
“Notsurewhatitsaysaboutme,butyeah.”Isigh.“WasitmeantforAna?”
“Nowaytobesure.Butshe’stheonlyoneinthehousewhoeatsitregularly,asidefromyou.”
Isqueezemyeyes,toowornouttodealwiththeangersweepingoverme.“Howisshe?”
“Safe.Awayfromhere.”
“Where?”Itoccurstomethatitmightbeasecret.“Actually,youdon’thavetotellme.It’sprobablyconfidential.”
Hedoesn’thesitate.“She’swithKoen.Andyes,it’sconfidential.Nooneelseknows.”
“Oh.”Imassagethecurveofmyneck.It’saleveloftrustIcannotfathom.NotbecauseI’devertellanyone,butbecausehe’sawarethatIwouldn’t,notevenifmylifedependedonit.Icare,andheknows
“WasitEmery?TheLoyals?”
“Idon’tknow,”hesayscarefully.“Ican’tthinkofanyoneelsehavingamotive,letalonetheresourcesforthis.”
“…but?”
“AllofEmery’scommunicationsaremonitored.WehavefoundevidencethatsheandherpeoplearebehindthearsonthathappenedinthespringatoneoftheschoolsintheEast.Butifshe’sbehindAna’skidnappingattempt,Iseenoproofofit.”Hepresseshislipstogether.“I’mgoingtomoveyou,too.”
“Moveme?”
“TotheVampyres.OrtheHumans,ifyouprefer.Koenisalsoanoption.He’dkeepyousafe,andAnawouldlovetohaveyouthere,andI’dfeelbetterknowingyoutwoaretogether.”
“Lowe.”Itakeastepcloserandshakemyhead.Which,apparently,nowmakesmedizzy.“Thisisverymuchnotthefirsttimesomeonehastriedtooffme,andI’mnotgoingto—Idon’twanttogoaway.”WhywouldI?Ithoughtwe…“We’reateam,right?AndwhatwouldevenhappenwiththearmisticeifIleft?”
“Itdoesn’tmatter.Yourfatherdoesn’tneedtoknow.Icantakecareofeverythingandmakesurethatyou’reasfree—”
“No.”
Idon’trealizehowloudlyIspokeuntilthewordechoesthroughtheroom.Forasplitsecond,IseetheguiltandagonyLowe’swrestlingwithonhisface.Hesighsandbendshishead.
“Ialmostgotyoukilled,Misery.”
“Youdidn’t.Someoneelsedid,andweshouldfigureoutwho.Together.”
“Myjobistoprotectyou,andIfailed.Ithappenedundermywatch,whenIwasstandinginchesawayfromyou.”
“Thereyougo.”Mycheeksheatup.“Agoodreasonformenottoleave.Infact,youshouldkeepmeevencloser.”Isayitalittleflirtatiously,anditmesseswithhisheadasmuchaswithmine.Hestepsintome,inhalingsharply.Hiswordsareaheated,barelyaudiblehiss.
“Doyouhavenofuckingfear?”
“No.”
“Ihaveenoughforbothofus,then.”Hisjawworks,theintensityofhisfurythickinthespacebetweenus.“Howareyou?”heasksafterawhile,voiceonceagaincalm.Thechangeoftopicissobrusque,I’mevendizzier.
“Kindagross?”Ishrug.“Likethereshouldbefliesbuzzingaroundme.Butmaybenot,becausethey’dsticktomyskin.”
“Yousweatedthroughyoursheetsmultipletimes.”
Afeat,sinceVampyresbarelyhavesweatglands.“DidDr.Averillchangethem?”
“Idid.”
“Oh.”
“Junohelped.Sometimes.WhenIwasabletolether.OnceIcalmeddown.”Hewipeshispalmdownhisface.“It’shardforme.”
“Whatis?”
“Toseeyoulikethat.Toletanyoneelsetouchyouwhenyou’rehurtorsickorjust…Ididn’tneedthatqualifier,actually.Toletanyoneelsetouchyouis…”Herubsthebackofhishandagainsthismouth.Ican’tquitefollow—andthenIcan,whenhesays,“I’mnotsurewhoIcantrustanymore.”
“Ah.”
“Iwon’tletyou…”
Ireachouttoclasphisshoulders.“Lowe,there’snoletting.Andyoucantrustme.”Ismileupathim.“Please.I’mgoingtostay,andI’mgoingtohelp,andI’mgoingto…”Itakeadeepbreath.
No.God,no
“Shower.I’mgoingtoshower.IhadnotrealizedhowbadIstink.Iamoffendingmyself.”
Hestudiesme,undoubtedlypreparingmorerebuttals,lininguparguments,allreadytodrivemeaway.Buttheynevercome.Instead,thecornerofhismouthliftsintoasoftsmile,andheabruptlypicksmeup,armsundermybackandknees.“Whatareyou—Whatishappening?”
“Youdoneedwashing,”heagrees,carryingmeoutoftheroom.
“Areyougoingtohosemeoffinthegarden?”
“We’llsee.”Buthebringsmetomybathroom,depositsmeonthemarblecounter,anddrawsabath.I’mnotsoweakthatIcouldn’tdothisonmyown,butIenjoywatchinghisgracefulmovements,thehypnoticplayofmusclesunderhisT-shirtashebendstofillthetub.Thewaterlevelslowlyrises,andheteststhetemperaturewithhisfingers.IthinkaboutOwen—theonlypersonwhomayhavebeenremotelyupsetbymebeingonthebrinkofdeath.Ishouldcontacthim.IshouldaskafterLowe’smate.AstheWereCollateral,shemusthavebeenterrified,becausemydeathwouldleadtohers.IbetLowewasacutelyaware,andfearedforhismate.
ButIalsobelievethathecaresforme.Deeply.
Hechoosesalavenderbottlefromtheshelf.Ican’tsmellitsscent,butassteamfillstheroom,Ipackmylungswithwarmair.ImaynotbewhoLowewasmeantfor,butthatdoesn’tmeanthatthereisn’tsomethinghere.AndI’vehadsolittlethroughoutmylife,Iknowbetterthantodemandallornothing.I’mgoodatmakingdo.
“It’sready,”hesayswithhisdeep,mundanevoice.
It’sadreamlikesequence,butwe’reonthesamepage:Islidetomyfeetanduntiemyhair,runningahandthroughituntilitfallslimparoundmyshoulders.Itakeeverythingelseoffandstandnaked,skinpaleandcoolandtacky.
ShouldIbenervous?BecauseI’mnot.Lowe…I’mnotsurehowhefeels.Hecertainlydoesn’tpretendtobeuninterested,andlookshisfill,followingeachcurveofminemorethanonce,betrayinglittlebuthidingnothing.I’mnotmadelikeaWerewoman.I’mnottoned,andhavenodefinedmuscles.EitherLoweknewtoexpectit,orhedoesn’tmind.HiseyesglazeoverasIstepforward,andItakehishandwhenheoffersit.I’mdrowsy,wobbly-kneed.Helowersmeintothetub.
“Thisfeelsnice.”IsighonceI’msubmerged.Ileanforward,foreheadagainstmyknees,lettingmyhairfloataroundme.
“Itdoes.”He’snotinthebath,butperhapshe’sreferringtotheshakywarmthofthisunspokenagreement.Thismomentwe’resharing.Hetakesawashclothfromtheshelfanddipsitintothewater.
Hisfirstpassisdelicateovermybentneck.“Soyou’reoneofthem,”Isay,instantlyrelaxedunderhistouch.
“Ofwho?”
“Peoplewhousewashcloths.”
Ihearhissmileinhisvoice.“Ifyouhaveasponge…”
“Idon’tuseanything,”Ioffer.
Becauseit’sverymuchanoffer.Arequest,even.Buthesaysnothingandcontinueswithmyarms,startingfromtheballofmyshoulder.Hishandsarefirmbutlightlytrembling.HemightbemoretenseaboutthisthanIam.“Itseemedtooforward,”headmitsatlast.Hischeekbonesaredustedwithanolivetone,hisvoicehusky.Hepatientlyworkshiswaytomyankle,thenslowlyupmyleg.
Idecidetobeforward.Itakehishandintomineandstrokeeachknucklewithmythumb,onebyone,andoncehisguardisrelaxed,Istealtheclothfromhimandletitfloataway.Iknowhewantstotouchme.Iknowhewon’task.Iknowheneedsmetodothis—puthishandbackonmyknee,thistimewithoutbarriers
Hisbreathhitches,thencomesfaster.Hisjawshifts,likehe’sbitingtheinsideofhismouth.Theskinofmythighglistensunderhiseyes,andhisfingerstightenaroundmyflesh,onthevergeofsomethingwonderful,somethingwebothwant.
ButLowetalkshimselfoutofit.Hesqueezeshiseyesandstandstotakecareofmyback.
Iswallowawhimper.“Coward,”Iwhispergood-naturedly.
Inretaliation,heleansintokissmynapelikehedidontheplane—suckingandlickingandsomegentlebiting.Asubtlereminderthathe’sdifferentfromme,awholeotherspecies.Ifwedothis,we’llhavetoworkthingsout.
“Doyou…HowdoWereshavesex?”
Helaughssoftlyagainstmyskin,butIsenseanedge.“Areyouworried?”
Itipmyheadback.“ShouldIbe?”
Hemassagesmysternum.“I’mnotgoingtohurtyou.Notever.”
“Iknow.I’mnotsurewhyIasked.”Iclosemyeyes,andhetakestheinvitationaswhatitis.
Ilosemyselfinhistouch,wonderinghowsomethingthatrequiressolittlecanfeelsogood.Helingersonmybreasts,aroundmyhips,butalsoeverywhereelse.Allthecurvesandangles,allthesoft,vulnerableplaces.Myskintingles,simmeringwithanunknownsortofpleasure.Loweispainstaking:hefindsspotshewantstoexplore,slowsdown,andhisbreathgrowsheavyinmyears,brokenbysofthumsofapproval.Hetakeshistime,delaysmovingonuntilhe’ssatisfiedthathistaskhasbeencompleted.Thereissomethingpatentlysexualaboutthis,noquestion,butitgoesbeyond.I’mbeingdiscovered.Mapped.Soothedandignitedatonce.
“Youaresobeautiful,”hewhispers,anabsentmindedthoughtmorethanadeclaration,andsuddenlyIcan’tstanditanymore.Eyesclosed,myhandsearchesforhisunderthewater.Ibraidourfingerstogetherandguidethemtomyinnerthigh.It’sasilentplea.
“I’mjustsotired.”Isigh.“AndIreallywantit.”
“God,Misery.”Hisheartbeatsmellslikehe’ddieforthis.Andyethe’sabouttoaskmeifI’mreallysure,andI’mgoingtolaughathim.Orsnarl.
“Lowe.Willyouhelp?Please?”
His“Fuck”issoftandawestruck,buthisfingersshifttowhereIneedthem.Barelyabrushofknucklesagainstmylabia,butIhissrightasheinhales.Ourbreathscatchtogether,balancingintheroom.“Okay.”Arumblefromdeepinhischest.“Okay.”
Thepadofhisthumbfindsmyclitinwarm,rhythmiccircles.Lowelickshislipsandhalfasks,halfgrowls,“Likethis?”
Inod.It’snotwhatI’ddoformyself,butitworks,somehowevenbetter.Thereissomeclumsinessonbothourends,buthefiguresoutwheretotouchme.Howlong.Howhard.“Yes.”Ibiteintomylowerlip,fangsexposed,andpressintohim.
“Thenightwemet,whenyoucamedownthemezzaninestairs,”hegroansagainstmyshoulder,“Ithoughtaboutdoingthis.”
Theremustbesomethingdramatically,massivelycompatiblebetweenus,becauseIfeeleverystrokeofhisfingersdeepinsidethissoulthatI’mnotsupposedtohave.“Yeah?”Thehot,mountingsensationinmylowerbellyknotsintoatangleofheat.Isquirm,archmyback.Coolairsweepsovermywetnipples.
“Youlookedcoldinyourjumpsuit.”HesucksatthesamespotonmyneckthathefixatedonbackatEmery’s,onthetarmac.“Youlookedsolovely,andsodetermined,andsofuckinglonely.”
Igrindagainsthishand,shamelesslywhimperingattheempty,swollenfeelinginsideme,clutchingblindlyathismuscledarmwithbothhands.
“Ithoughtabouttakingyouaway.Ithoughtaboutgettingyouablanket.”Hisindexfingerslipsinsideme,andwithabriefadjustment,Ipushagainstit.“Ithoughtaboutmakingyoucomewithmymouthuntilyoucouldn’ttakeitanymore.”
Thepleasuresnapsinsidemelikefireworks,aglowofheatandrelief.IclencharoundLowe’shand,curlingintohisarm,shakingalloverit.Ascreamburnsinmythroat,butIswallowitdownintoasmallmoan,andthenit’samess,cobbledtogetherwithflutteringheartbeatsandgaspingbreaths.Loweisstaringatme,mouthparted,throatbobbing.Hisicyeyesflareintomine,andI…
Ilaugh,throatyandraspy.
“What?”hesoundswinded.Justahairbreadthfromanunspecifiedturningpoint.I’mstillpulsatingaroundhishand,andhestaresatthewatersloshingaroundmyhardnippleswhilelickinghislips.
“Just…”Iclearmythroat,stilllaughing.“Couldwekiss?”
“What?”
“Wehaven’tyet.It’dbenice,ifwedid.Atsomepoint.”
“Atsomepoint,”herepeatsinahaze.Hishandcupstheslickinsideofmythigh,vibratingwithrestraint.
“Now,ifyouwant.ThoughI’mworried.”
Hescowls.“Worried?”
“Aboutmyfangs.WhatifIcutyou?Orbiteyourlipsaccidentally?”
“You’vebittenmebefore.Ididn’tmindthen.”Heleansforward,eager.“Iwon’tmindnow.”
Itdoesn’timmediatelywork.Mynosebumpsagainsthis,Icockmyheadalittletooquickly,myhandsglideofftheslipperyedgeofthetub.“Misery,”hemurmursagainstthecornerofmymouth,whenhislipssomehowendupthere,soundingmoredelightedthandismayedbymylackofskills.
Butthenwegetthehangofit,andoh.
It’samessykiss.Instantly,stunninglygood.I’mcautious,afraidI’llhurthim,butLowe’stheunrestrainedone.Feral.He’stheonewhomoveseverythingalong,whonibblesandsucksandbruises.Heuseshisthumbtotiltmyjawupward,grippingmyneckwithhislargepalmoncehe’ssatisfiedwithmyposition.It’sverydeep,veryquickly,andIgivemyselftoit,tothefilthywayheanglesmeasthoughhewantstoknowmytastefromeveryside.
Ipullbacktobreathe,butheonlygivesmeasecondbeforeaskingformore.Helicksmyfangs,andIfeelitdeepinmycore.Hisdesireburstsbetweenus,longing,frustrated.Iwanttodosomethingaboutit.
Forhim.
“Lowe,”Imumbleagainsthismouth,forcingmyselftostand.Warmwatersluicesovermyskin,andhefollowsthejourneyofeverysingledrop.Heleansforwardtopresshislipstothesoftskinunderneathmybellybutton,thenrisestotowelmedry.
Thefrontofhisshirtiswet.Mylashesareclumpy,beadedwithwater,andhekissesthedropsoutofmyeyes.“Iwasscared.”Itcomesoutlikeaconfession.“Youwentlimpinmyarms,andIwassofuckingscared.”
Inod.“Iwas,too.”
Hiseyesarepalerthanever.“Comehere.”
Hepicksmeupagain,andIwanttoremindhimthatI’mnotdefenseless,butthismightbemoreforhimthanme.SoIburymyfaceintohisneck,andinstinctivelydartmytonguetolicktheglandshetoldmeabout.
Hisentirebodyshudders,andthenwe’reinmyroom.Iexpectustotumbleontomymattress,buthelowersmeinsidethecloset,onthemoundofblanketsandpillowsI’veassembled.Theninstantlypullsback.
“Lowe?”
Thetimbreofhisvoiceisroughandlow.“Yousmelllikeyoujustcame.”
Istareback,speechlessathisdirectness.Ididjustcome.
“AndIneedtoeatyouout.”
Heneedsto.“Okay?”
“It’saWerething,”hesays,almostapologetic.
Inod,andwhenhebendstonipatmyhipbone,Iclosemyeyesandwelcomeit:thestretchofmythighsastheyarespreadout,thehitchofhisbreathashelooksandlooksandlookssomemore,hisraspygroan,andthenthecontactwithhismouth.
Thereissomethingbeseechingaboutthewayhelicksandsucks,somethingnotquiteincontrol,andwhenthepleasurebeginsfizzinginmystomachagain,Iwritheagainsthislipsandgivehimwhathewants.Icombmyfingersinhisshorthair,buthetakesmyhands,bothwristslockedinhislargefingers,andpinsthemtomyside.“Bestill,”heorders,andthesightofmerestrainedmustdosomethingforhim,becausehisotherarmdisappearsdownhisbody,therhythmicflexofhiscordedshoulderamesmerizingsight.He’stouchinghimselfbecausewhathe’sdoingtomemakeshimwantto,andtheideaislikefireinmybelly.
“Ican’t,”Ihissout,archingintohimevenmore.
“Hush.”Mybraincannotunravelhowmuchheseemstobeenjoyingthis,thesoundsheproduces,theconsumingwayhekissesmyclitandmyopening,thesweetscrapeofhisstubbleagainstthecreaseofmythighs.I’mmindless,completelyunraveled.AndI’mdragginghimwithme.
“Youarefuckingunreal,”hesays,andwhenaknuckleslidesinsideme,Ifeelmyselfclencharoundit.Idon’tthinkLoweisinexperienced,butthereisanedgetohismovements,somethingmoreenthusiasticthanskilled,somethingjustperfect.Hegentlybitesmyswollenlips,makingmejolt,andthenchasesthestingwithhistongue.Whentheheatrisesinmychest,whenthepressurecoilsandIthrasharound,heanchorsmewithanarmovermyhipbone.That’swhathasmylegsquiveringandmynipplesachingandmecominghard:Lowe’spresencesurroundingme,takingupeverymoleculeofair.
OnceI’mashakingmess,hegroansagainstmypussyandletsoutalow“I’mgoingto—”Hisgriponmythighsbecomesnearlypainful.Hishipsjerk,andmyheelsdigintohisshoulderasthepleasurecrestsviolentlyinsidemeonceagain.
Iprobablyblackoutalittle.Becausewheneverythingrecedes,IfindLowecrowdingmybody,stillhardagainstmyhip.Hisjeansarewarmandsticky.Hisheartbeatpoundsonthebackofmytongueasheguidesmyheadtohisneck.“Ithink,”hesays,winded,hoarse,“I’mgoingtolockyouinthisclosetforever.”
Inuzzlecloser.“IthinkI’dlovethat.”Myfangsgrazeagainsthisveinuntilhegrowls.Ireachforthebuttonofhisjeans,fumblewithit,andIalmosthaveitopenwhenhisphonerings.
Iwhimper,disappointed.Loweclutchesmyhiponce,forcefully,thenagainbeforelettinggo.Hevibrateswithfrustratedtensionashedisentanglesus.HesighsheavilyaftercheckingthecallerID,andhandsthephonetomewithshakyhands.
IreachformydiscardedtoweltocovermyselfandtrynottopayattentiontothewayLoweisbreathingdeeply,tryingtocalmhimselfdown.
Owen’sformal“Congratulationsonevadingyourfirstassassinationattempt”issofactuallyincorrect,Ialmosthanguponhim.
“Myfirst?Excuseme?”
Herollshiseyes.“ImeantinthisroundofCollateralduties.Myapologies.Allowmetorestate:Ifuckingtoldyouthiswouldhappen,andyouneedtocomebackhomeimmediately.”
“Home.”Idrummyfingersagainstmychin.“Youmean,tothepeoplewhosentmetwiceintoenemyterritory?”
“Theytechnicallysentyouintoallyterritory,andyoualmostgotkilled,sogetyourassbackhere.”
IopenmymouthtoaskhimifFatherhasdiedandmadehimcouncilman,thencloseitwhenLoweentersthescreen.“Hersafetyismypriority,”hetellsOweninastatelymanner.
Mybrotherstudiesmybareshoulders,thewet-T-shirt-contestconditionLowe’schestappearstobein,theflushonbothourcheeks,andsays,“Youtworeallyarefucking,huh.”
It’snotaquestion.IturntolookatLowe,whoturnstolookatme.Andwebothgetalittlelostintheexchange.
Notyet,Ithink.
Iwishwewere,heseemstosay.
Maybewecould—
“Stopeye-fuckingeachotherinfrontofme—thisisincest.Bestiality,attheveryleast.Misery.”OwenswitchestotheTongue,“ThereissomethingIneedtotellyou.Aboutyourfriend—”
“InEnglish,”Iinterrupt.
Hegivesmeanincredulouslook,eyesdartingbetweenmeandLowe.
“He’shelpingmesearchforSerena,”Iexplain.
“He’shelpingyou.”
“Yup.”
Herollshiseyesagain.“Yourfriend’sapartmentwasbrokenintothreedaysago.”
“What?”Ishiftforward.“Bywhom?”
“Notsure,becausewhoeverdiditalsomessedwiththecamerasintheapartmentcomplex.ButI’mhavingsomefriendslookintoalternativesources.”
“Likewhat?”
“Footagefromsecuritycamerasinthesurroundingbuildings.”
“Didtheytakeanything?”Loweasks.
“Verydifficulttotell,consideringthestatetheylefttheplacein.”
Imassagemytemple,wonderingforamillionthtimewhatSerenagotherselfinvolvedin.
“Andthere’smore,”Owenadds.“Somethingimportant.ButIcan’ttalkaboutitonthephone,sowe’llneedtomeetinperson.”
IglanceatLowe.“Couldwearrangeit?”
“Yes.Givemeafewhours.”
“Verywell.”HenodsatLowe,thenswitchesbacktotheTongue.“Iamgladyou’restillwithme.”Hiseyesmeetmine,andIalmostbelievehemeansit.WhenInoticethebracketsoneachsideofhismouth,itoccurstomethatthere’sanairaboutmyusuallycarefree,glibbrotherthatmirrorsLowe’s:Tired.Worried.Heavy.
“I’mgladtostillbewithyou,”Ireply.Itmightbethemostvulnerablewe’vebeenwitheachother.Marriageismakingasapoutofme.
“Andwhateverishappeningbetweenyoutwo,fuckitoutofyoursystembeforepeoplefindout.”Hehangsup,andIinstantlyturntoLowe.
“Willwereally?”Iask.
Hiseyesareinstantlyhooded.Hislipsmoveunintelligiblyforafewmoments.“ThethingsIwantto—”
“Imean,willwebemeetinghiminperson?”
“Ah.”Heclearshisthroat.“AssoonasIcanarrangeit.”
Inodgratefully.“Thankyou.Um,theotherthing,too,Iwould—”
Hisphoneringsagain.Hepicksupwithacurt“Lowe,”peelinghiseyesfromminewithgreateffort.
“Yeah.Ofcourse.I’lltakecareofit.”
Heslipsthephoneinhispocketandthenlingershere,onthefloorofmycloset,morethanisnecessary.“Ihavetogo—packbusiness.AndIshouldgetchangedfirst.ButI’llbebacksoon.”
“Okay.I’llbehere,Iguess.”I’mnotsurewhattosay.Allthathappenedinthepasthourisslowlysolidifying.Becomingconcreteandawkwardbetweenus.
Ithinkhewantstostay.
IthinkIwanthimtostay.
“Begood,”hesays,gettingup.
Andthenimmediatelycrouchesdownagain,justtokissmyforehead.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER22
Shemakeshimwanttodrawagain.
Imusthavefallenasleepagain,becausewhenIopenmyeyesit’salittlebeforemidnight.DraggingaT-shirtandleggingsonisafeatworthyofathousandarmies,andIbarelymanage.Ihaven’tfedinaweek,andmybodymustbewellenoughtodemandsustenance,becausemystomachcrampspainfully.
Istaggerdownstairs,tryingtorecallifI’veevergonewithoutbloodthislongbefore.TheclosestwaswhenIfirstmovedbacktoHumanterritory,beforeSerenafoundmeanunder-the-tablesellerIcouldafford.BythetimeIgotmyhandsonasmallbagithadbeenthreedays,andIfeltasthoughmyinternalorganswerefeastingonthemselves.
Maybeit’sbecausemybodyisshuttingdown,butIstumbleintothekitchenwithoutnoticingLoweandAlex.Istoplikeadeerintheheadlights,wonderingwhythey’rehuddledinfrontofacomputer.It’sabitlateforameeting.
“IsAnaokay?”Iask,andtheybothlookupatmeinsurprise.
“Ana’sfine.”
Irelax.Thentenseagain.“DidOwenfindthatfootage?”
Loweshakeshishead.
“Youbothlookreallyserious,so—Wait,Alex,whatareyou—”
Alexhasstoodfromhischairandiscurrentlyhuggingme.
Thisisanightmare.MaybeVampyresdodream,afterall.
“Thankyou,”hesays.“ForwhatyoudidforAna.”
“WhatdidI—Oh.”Thisisweird.“YouknowthatIdidn’tingestthatpoisonvoluntarilytoprotecther,right?Ijusthappentobedisgracefullyintopeanuts.”
“Youwouldhave,though,”hemumblesagainstmyhair.
“What?”
“Protectedher.”
Igentlypushhimaway,toohungrytoargueoverwhetherI’magoodperson.Imightlikehimbetterwhenhe’sterrifiedofme.“Listen,I’mgoingtofeedbeforeI’mtemptedtobiteoneofAna’sstuffiesor—”Igasp.“Fuck.”
“What?”
“Fuck,fuck,fuck.Sparkles.Serena’sdamnfuckingcat.Iforgotabouthim!Didsomeonefeedhim?Ishedead?”Howlongcancatsgowithouteating?Anhour?Amonth?
“He’ssafewithAna,”Loweinformsme.
“Oh.”Ipressmypalmtomychest.“I’llneedhimbackif—whenIfindSerena.Thoughatthispointhe’sbeenwithAnalonger.”Itakeabagoutofthefridge.“Maybetheycanworkoutsomejointcustody—”
“Misery,Ifoundit,”Alextellsmeexcitedly.“SerenaParis!”
“YoufoundSerena?”
“No,butIfoundtheconnection.”HeleadsmebacktothetableandwebothtakeaseatnexttoLowe.“Thatsearchwewereworkingonbeforeyou…”Hegesturesatme.
“Almostcroaked?”
“Yes.Icontinueditwhileyouwere…”
“Almostcroaking?”
“Anditwassurprisinglydifficult.Sodifficult,Ifiguredwewereontosomething.”
“Howso?”
“TheidentitiesoftheHuman-WereBureauworkerswerenowheretobefound,whichisoddforthatkindofgovernmentemployee.”IglanceatLowe,whostaresbackcalmly.He’salreadybeenbriefed.“SoIlooked…harder,let’ssay.Andstumbledonalistwithaveryfamiliarname.”
“Whatname?”
“ThomasJalakas.HewastheHuman—”
“—comptrollerofpublicaccounts.”Inodslowly.I’mnotsurewhatthatevenmeans,butIdoknowthatithastodowithfinanceandtheeconomy,because:“Serenaemailedwithhisoffice.Foranarticlethatshewaswriting.Andthenshemethiminperson.”
“Yup.Sheinterviewedhim,thoughthearticlewasneverpublished.”
“ButIbackgroundcheckedhim.Icheckedeveryoneshetalkedto—IfoundnothingabouthimbeingintheHuman-WereBureau.”
“Precisely.HisCVisallovertheplace,buttherearenomentionsanywherethathewasattheBureauforelevenmonths,eightyearsago.”
Myheadspins.Icovermymouth.
“Now,”Alexadds,“you’vebothbeenverywithholding,andIdon’tfullyunderstandthesignificanceofanyofthis,butifyoutellmewhyI’mlookingintothisguy,Icould—”
“Alex,”Loweinterruptsgently.“It’sgettinglate.Youshouldgohome.”
Alexturnstohim,wide-eyed.
“Youdidagreatjob.Haveagoodnight.”
Alex’shesitationisnegligible.Hestands,bowshisheadonce,andclaspsmyshoulderonhiswayout.Lowe’seyesholdminetheentiretime,butIwaituntilthekitchendoorlocksintheframetosay,“ThomasJalakasmustbeAna’sfather.Imean,couldthisbeacoincidence?”
“Yes.”
Iscoff,skeptical.“Fine.Butisit?”
Heshakeshishead.“Idon’tbelieveso,no.”Henavigatesthroughthebrowsertabsandshowsmeapicture.“ThisisThomas.”
“Holyshit.”Istudyhiswidemouth.Thesquarejaw.Thedimples.TheresemblancetoAnaisundeniable.“ThismeansthatSerenametwithAna’sfather—andIneverrealizedit,becauseIassumeditwasforherfinancialstuff.”
Lowenods.
“HehastobethepersonwhotoldheraboutAna.Wehavetotalktohim.”
“Wecan’t.”
“Why?Icangetanswersfromhim.Ifyouhelpme,Imightbeabletothrallhimand—”
“He’sdead,Misery.”
Dreadcrawlsupmyspine.“When?”
“TwoweeksafterSerenadisappeared.Acaraccident.”
Theimplicationssinkintomeinstantly.Serena,thatfuckingidiot,gotherselfinvolvedinsomethingincrediblydangerous.Andtheotherpersonwhowasinvolvedinitisnowdead,which—
“Misery.”Lowe’shandblanketsmine,largeandwarm.“Idon’tthinkitmeansshe’sdead.”
It’swhatIneededtohear.Isilentlybeghimtocontinue.
“Idon’tbelieveforasecondthatthisisacoincidence,butwhoevergotridofhimhadtheresourcestomakeitlooklikeanaccident.TheywouldhavedonethesameforSerenatoavoidlooseends.”
Istareathisstrongfingersandthinkitthrough.Maybe.Yes.Itmakessomesense.Attheveryleast,it’ssomethingtohopefor.
“Ifnotwithhim,weshouldstilltalkwithhisaides,hiscolleagues,hispredecessor,someonewho—”
“GovernorDavenport.”
Ilookup.Lowe’seyesarecalm.Direct.“What?”
“ThomasJalakaswasappointedbyGovernorDavenport,Misery.BothhisBureaupositionandhislatestone.”
“I…Isitevenanormalcareerpath?Goingfromaninterspeciesbureautosomehugefinancialoffice?”
“Excellentquestion.”Loweremoveshishand.Thecoolnightairhitsmelikeaslap.“YoushouldaskGovernorDavenporttomorrow,whilewe’rehavingdinnerathisplace.”
Myjawdrops.“Whendidyougetusadinnerinvitation?”
“WhenAlextoldmeaboutthis.Threehoursago.”
“Thatwasquick.”
“IamtheAlphaoftheSouthwestpack,”heremindsme,alittlearchly.“Idohavesomepower.”
“Iguess.”Iletoutasingle,incredulouslaugh.Icouldkisshim.Iwanttokisshim.“Whatdidyoutellhim?”
“Thatwehaveagiftforhim.Tothankhimforhostingourweddingceremonyinhisterritory.”
“Hebelievedthat?”
“He’sanidiot,andHumansareapparentlybigonthank-yougifts.”Heshrugs.“Ireaditonline.”
“Wow.Youwereabletofireupabrowserallonyourow—”
Heshushesmewithhisthumbonmylips.“Iknowyoucanfight.Iknowyou’vebeentakingcareofyourselfsinceyouwereakid.Iknowyou’renotpartofmypack,ormyrealwife,ormy…Butthereisn’tasinglepartofmethatwantstotakeyouintoenemyterritory.Especiallydaysafteryouwerealmostkilledinmine.Formypeaceofmind,pleasebecarefultomorrow.”
Inod,tryingnottothinkaboutwhetheranyoneelsehascaredaboutmysafetyasmuchashedoes.Theanswerwouldbetoodepressing.“Lowe,thankyou.ThisisthefirstleadonSerenainalongtime,and—”Mystomachgrowls,andIrememberwhyIcamedownstairs.
Myorganism,slowlyself-cannibalizing.
“Sorry.”IgettomyfeetandreachforthebagIleftonthecounter.“Iknowwewerehavingamomentofgratitudeandrainbows,butIreallyneedtofeed.I’lljustneeda—”
Loweissuddenlybehindme.Hishandclosesaroundmine,stoppingme.
“What—?”
“Idon’twantyoutodrinkthat.”
Ilookatmybag.“It’ssealed.Itcannotbecontaminated.Plus,Icansmellcrappyblood.”
“That’snotthereason.”
Itiltmyhead,confused.
“Useme.”
Idon’tgetit.AndthenIdogetit,andmyentirebodymeltsintolava.Stiffensintolead.
“Oh,no.”Ifeelhot.Hotterthanafterafeeding.Hotterthanwhilegorgingmyselfonblood.“Youdon’thaveto—”
“Iwantto.”Heissoearnest.Andyoung.AndtheboldestI’veeverseenhim—whenhisbaselineisprettybold.“Iwantto,”herepeats,evenmoredetermined.
Jesus.“ItalkedwithOwen.Beforethepoison.”
Lowenods.Hisgazeiseager.
“IthinkIshouldn’thavefedfromyou.”
“Why?”
“Hesaidthatit’snotsomethingpeopleshoulddounlesstheyare…”
Lowenodsasthoughheunderstands.Butthenhelickshislips.“AndyouandIaren’t?”He’ssogenuinelyeagertoknow,it’slikeelectricityinjectedstraightintomynerveendings.
Ithinkaboutthelastfewdays.Theescalatingintimacybetweenus.Yes,LoweandIare.But.“Itgoesbeyondjustsex.Long-termfeedingscreatebondsandtanglelivestogether.It’ssomethingthatisstrictlydonebypeoplewhohavedeepfeelingsforeachother,orthewilltodevelopthem.”
Lowelistensintently,eyesneverwavering.Whenheasks,“AndyouandIdon’t?”it’slikeaknifeskeweringmyheart.
“We…”Mystomachisanempty,openache.“Dowe?”
He’ssilent.Likehehashisanswer,buthe’swillingtowaitformetofindmine.
“It’sjust,itwouldbedifferentfromwhatwe’vedonebefore.It’snotjustsex,orfun.Ifwegetintothehabitofthis,inthelongterm,therecouldbe…consequences.”
“Misery.”Hisvoiceissoft.Faintlyamused.Thereisasolemnshineinhiseyes.“Wearetheconsequences.”
Theproblemis:thiscannotpossiblyendwell.I’mnotsureI’mevenreadytodemandsomeone’sunconditionalloveanddevotion,butLowe’sheartisoccupied.Andit’srecklesstoseewhat’shappeningbetweenusassomethingmorethantheforcedproximityoftwopeoplethrowntogetherbyaflurryofpoliticalmachinations.
I’vecomeaftersomething,aftersomeone,myentirelife—alwaysthemeans,nevertheend—andI’vemademypeacewithit.Idon’tresentFatherforputtingmysafetyafterthewell-beingoftheVampyres,Owenforbeingchosenashissuccessor,Serenaforvaluingherfreedommorethanmycompany.Imayneverhavebeenanyone’smainpreoccupation,butIknowbetterthantospendmytimeonthisEarthsimplybegrudging
ButwhenI’mwithLoweIfeeldifferent,becauseheisdifferent.HenevertreatsmelikeI’mtherunner-up,eventhoughIknowIam.Icouldseemyselfbecomingjealous,envious.Greedyforwhathecannotgive.Itcouldquicklybecomeunbearable,thepainofbeingjustanafterthoughttohim.Nottomentionthatif—when,dammit,when—IfindSerena,I’mgoingtohavetomakesomeimportantchoices.
“Misery,”hesays,patient.Alwayspatient,butalsourgent.Irealizethathe’sofferingmehishand.It’soutstretched,waitingforme,and…Thiscannotpossiblyendwell.Andyet,IthinkLowemightberight.Thetwoofus,we’rewellpastavoidingwhat’sbetweenus.
Ismile.Hiswarmthistingedwithintensemelancholia.Thiswon’tendwell,butsofewthingsdo.Whydenyourselves?
“Yeah?”Itakehishand,registeringhismildsurprisewhenmyfingersslidepasthisknuckles,thenclosearoundhiswrist.Iholdhispalminbothofmine,upturnit.Themeatofitisfuntotrace,fullofcalluses,scarslitteringtheroughskin.
Alarge,capable,fearlesshand.
Ibringittomylips.Kissitlightly.Scrapeitgentlywithmyteeth,whichhashiseyesflutteringclosed.Hemumblesafewhushedwords,butIcannotmakethemout.
“IfIreallydothis,”Isayagainsthisflesh,“Ishouldavoidyourneck.”
“Why?”
“Itmightleaveatrace.Peoplewouldnotice.”
Hiseyesshootopen.“YouthinkI’dmind?”
“Idon’tknow,”Ilie.IdoubtLowecaresaboutwhatothersthinkofhim.
“Youcandowhatyouwantwithme,”hesays,anditfeelslikehemeansmorethanjusthisblood.
Myfangsgrazehiswrist.I’mteasingmyselfasmuchashim.“Areyousure?”Ihover,afraidthatitwon’tbeasgoodasthefirsttime.MaybeIembellisheditinmyhead,andhe’lltastelikeeverybagI’veeverhad—satisfactory,unremarkable.
“Please,”hesays,soft,hungry,andIsinkmyteethintohisvein.Thewaitforhisbloodtohitmytonguelastslongenoughforthousandsofcivilizationstocollapse.Thenhisflavorfloodsmymouth,andIforgetabouteverythingthatisnotus
Mybodybloomswithnewlife.
“Fuck,”heslurs.Itakemorewithastrongpull,cradlinghisarmtomyself,andhepressesmeagainstthefridge.Histeethcometomyneckandbite,hardenoughtoleaveamark.Heseemstohavedescendedintoatrancelikestate,tobemovedbyinstinct.“Sorry,”hegasps,andthenresumessuckingonmyneck,lickingmypulse.Markingme.“Ofallthegoodthings.”HegraspsmyhipsasIrollthemintohis.“OfallthegoodthingsI’vefeltinmyfuckinglife,youarethebest.”
Itakeonelastgulpandsealthewoundwithmytongue.Hiseyesarestark,wide.Awolf’seyes.Theystareatmyfangslikehe’sdesperatetohavetheminhisbodyonceagain.“AmI?”
Henods.“I’mgoingto—”Hekissesme,eager,immediatelydeep,tastingtherichflavorofhisbloodonmytongue.“CanI…”Hepicksmeupandcarriesmeupstairs.Iburymyfaceintohisneck,andeverytimeInibbleathisglands,hisarmstensewithpleasure.
Lowe’sroomisdark,butlightfiltersfromthehallway.Hedepositsmeinthemiddleoftheunmadebed,pullingbackinstantlytotakeoffhisshirt.Isitupandlookaround,processingthatthisisreallyhappening.
“Ididn’tchangethemforthelongesttime,”Lowesays.
Iadmirehisbeautifulform,thecordedstrengthofhisbody.Icouldbitehimanywhereandwouldfindnourishment.Sipfromhisroundbiceps,theVonhisstomach,thehillofhislats.
“What?”I’mlosingtrack.Skippingwords.“Didn’tchangewhat?”
“Thesheets.”
“Why?”
“Theysmelledlikeyou.”
“When—Oh.”Mybreak-in.“Sorry.”
“Thescentwassosweet.Igotmyselfofftothefilthiestfantasies,Misery.”Hegentlyflipsmearound,bellyagainstthemattress.Myleggingsarepulleddowntomythighs,myshirtintheoppositedirection.“Andthenthesmellfaded.”Heclimbsoverme,oneachsideofmylegs.Hishandscloseontheroundglobesofmyass,halfstroking,halfgripping.Throughtheroughclothofhisjeans,hiserectiondragsagainstmythighs.WhenItwistmyheadback,he’stracingtheshallowdimplesinmylowerbackwithapleasedexpression.“Notthefantasies,though.”Hedescendsoverme,hisheatanironblanket.“Ican’tbeanythingbutwhatIamaboutthis,”hewhispersagainstthearchofmyear.There’sahintofapologythere.
“Whatyouare?”
“Were.”Hishandwrapsaroundmyribcage,buthaltsrightunderneathmybreast.Asilentreminderthatwecanalwaysstop.“Alpha.”
Ah.“Iwouldn’twantyoutobenotyou.”
“CanI…”Histeethclosegentlyaroundtheballofmyshoulder.“I’mnotgoingtodrawblood,orhurtyou.ButcanI…?”
Inodintothemattress.“Itseemsonlyfair.”
Hegrunts,grateful,andlicksalongstripeupmyspineandintomynape.He’svocalinhispleasure,vocalinhispraise,andeventhoughIdon’tfullyunderstandit,thisisathingforhim,somethingimportantandconsumingandmaybeevennecessary.Hishandpinsmywristsagain,abovemyhead,asthoughheneedstoknowthatI’mheretostay.Istruggleagainsthishold,justtotestit.
“Begood.”Loweclickshistongue.“You’reallright.Aren’tyou,Misery?”
“Yeah,”Ibreathe.
“Nice.Very.Iamprofoundlyobsessedwiththese.”Ifeelhotairagainstmyskin,andrealizehe’stalkingaboutmyears.“Aretheysensitive?”
“Idon’tthink—”
Histeethclosearoundthetip,andit’slikeacurrentpassingthroughme.
“Iseethattheyare,”hedrawls.Hiscockpressesharderagainstmyass,andhislipsdriftbacktomynapeoverandoveragain,likehecannothelphimself,likeit’sthecenterofgravityinmybody.Iremembertheplane,howclosehegottolosingcontrolwhenhefirsttouchedmethere.“DoWereshaveaglandthere?”Iask,wordsmuffledintothesheets.I’mmorewetthanIcanrememberbeing.IfthisisthehottestthingI’lleverexperience,I’dlovetoknowwhy.
“It’scomplicated.”HesucksamarkintotheknobatthetopofmyspineandImakeagutturalsound.Thenhedoes.There’ssomefumblingbehindme—hisbelt,unbuckled,thezipperofhisjeans,lowered—andafterafewsecondsofrustling,hiscocksplitsthecheeksofmyass,pushingbetweenthem.It’swetandhot,rubbingupanddownfortherightamountoffriction.
Lowemakesastupefiedsound.
“Condom,”Igasp.NotsomethingVampyreseveruse,butmaybeWeresdo?“Doyouhaveone?”
Hegoesbackforonelastnibblebeforeturningmearound.“No.”Hiseyesglowwithdetermined,reflectedlightashetakesoffmyleggings.HestaresdownatmewithatransfixedlookthatstrikesmeastheculminationofmanythingsI’llneverhearabout,andwhenhebendsdowntolickmycollarbone,Ifeelhowhardheis,leakingagainstmystomach.Theheatofhimfeedsmyhungerforbloodinaconfusing,beautifulbuildup.
“Butdoyouwanttousesomething?”Iask.
“Wedon’tneedto,”hesays,pushingupmyshirt.Thistimehisbiteisonthesideofmybreast.Histonguecirclesaroundmynipplebeforepressingflatagainstit.Thenhesucks,mouthwetandelectrifying.
“Stop,”Iforcemyselftosay.
Heinstantlypullsback,holdinghimselfuponhispalms,peelinghisgazefrommychestwithsomedifficulty.“Wedon’thaveto,”hepants.“Ifyou—”
“Ido,but.”Ipropmyselfuponmyelbows.Myshirtslipstocovertheuppercurveofmybreasts.Lowe’seyeswanderdownagain,untilhetearsthemtowardthewindow.“Whydon’tyouwanttousecontraceptives?”IfWeresandHumanscanreproduce,nothingisoffthetable.
“Idon’t—Wecan,ifyou’dlike.Butwecan’thavesex.”
“Wecan’t?”
“Notlikethat.”
Isitup,pullingdownmyshirt,andheshiftsback,sittingonhisknees.Westareateachother,breathingheavily,likewe’reinthemiddleofaRegency-eraduel.“Maybeweshoulddiscussthis.”
Histhroatbobs.“We’renotcompatiblelikethat,Misery.”Hesaysitlikeheknowsthistobeafact.Onehe’sgivenalotofthoughtto.
Myeyebrowlifts.“IfAnaexists…”Itmustbefeasible.
“It’sdifferent.”
“Why?BecauseI’maVampyre?”IlookdownatthewayI’mclutchingthehemofmyoversizeshirtlikeit’saliferaft.Whatweneedhereissomehumor.Todefuse.“IswearIdon’thaveteethdownthere.”
Hedoesn’tsmile.“Youarenottheproblem.”
“Ah.”Iwaitforhimtocontinue.Hedoesn’t.“What’stheproblem?”
“Idon’twanttohurtyou.”
Iglanceathisgroin.Hepulledhisunderwearbackup.It’stented,andtheroomisdark,andmyviewisnotexhaustivebyanymeans,buthelooksnormal.Good.Big,sure.Butnormal.
IrememberwhathetoldmeaboutSwitzerland.Thewaydifferentspecieslivedtogether.Hesaidhedidn’thangoutmuchwithVampyres,but…“Haveyouever…withaHuman?”
Henods.
“Andyouhurtthem.”
“No.”
“Then—”
“Itwillbedifferent.”
We’rediscussingsex,right?Penetrativeintercourse?Thisinsurmountableobstaclehe’stalkingaboutmustbelocatedsomewherebetweenhisandmyhardware.Exceptthatheseemsstructurallystandard.“IgrewupwithaHuman.Myreproductiveorgansdon’tsignificantlydifferfromHumanswhoareassignedfemaleatbirth.”
“It’snotbecauseyou’reaVampyre,Misery.”Heswallows.“It’sbecauseyou’reyou.Becauseofwhatthatdoestome.”
“Idon’tundersta—”Heinterruptsmewithakiss,bruisinginadelicious,unhingedway.Hecupsmyface,teethpullingatmylowerlip,andIlosetrackofourconversation.
“You’regoingtosmelllikethis,”hemurmursagainstmylips.“It’shappenedalready,andyouweren’teveninthefuckingroom.”It?“AndI’mnotgoingtobeabletostopmyselffromwantingtofinish.”
“That’sfine.”Ilaugh.Myforeheadsettlesagainsthis.“Iwantyoutofinish,I—”
“Misery,wearedifferentspecies.”
Iclosemyfingersaroundhiswrists.“Yousaidyou’d…Yousaidwewould.InEmery’soffice.”I’mblushing,embarrassedtoadmitthatI’vebeenthinkingaboutthosewordsfordays.
“IsaidIcouldfuckyou.”Histhroatworks.“NotthatIwould.”
Ilowermyeyes.“Wereyoueverplanningtotellme?Thatwecouldn’thavesex?”
“Misery.”Hiseyescapturemine,andIsuspecthecanseeeverything.Theveryinsideofme.“It’ssex,whatwe’vedone.Whatwe’regoingtodo.It’sallsex.Andit’sallgoingtofeelreallygood.”
Ibelievehim,Ireallydo.Andyet:“Areyousure?ThatyouandIcan’t…?”
“Icanshowyou.Wouldyoulikemeto?”
Inod.Hekissesmeagain,tenderly,clearlytryingtotakethingsslowly.I’mtheonetowriggleawaytotakeoffmyshirt.
“Haveyoudoneanyofthisbefore?”heasksagainstthecrookofmyneck,andIshakemyhead.He’dneverjudgemeforit,butIwanttoexplain.“Itfeltweird.DoingthiswithaHumanwhenIwasalreadylyingtothemabouteverything.”AndVampyreswereneveranoption.Iwasalwaysalone,attheborderbetweenthosetwoworlds.ThefactthatIfeelmoreathomethaneverbeforewithaWere,withsomeonewhoseproximityIshouldhaveneverbeenin…There’ssomethingwrongaboutit.Orpainfullyright.
“Feedmore,”heorders,pushingmedownonthebed.Weenduponoursides,facingeachother.NotapositionI’dassociatewithwildanduninhibitedsexualactivities.
“IfIfeed,wecan’t—”
Withahandonthebackofmyhead,heguidesmyfaceintohisneck.“Wecan.”Hekickshisjeansaway,andit’sjusthisskin,hotagainstmine,theroughhairsonhisarmsandlegssubtlyforeign.Islipmyshinbetweenhiskneesandletmyhandroam,curious,eagertoexplore.Heisgloriouslydifferent,andwhileI’mnotonetoadmirebeauty,IcannotstopthinkingthatIlikehim:thewayhelooks,thewayhefeels,thewayhelikesme.Theslighttrembleinhisfingersastheysettleonmywaist,themusclesofhisbodytighteningwithpatientanticipation.
“Youaresobeautiful,”hemurmursintomytemple.“Ithoughtsosincetheygavemethatfirstpictureofyou.Youcamewalkingdowntheaisle,andIwasafraidtolook.Ihadn’tevensmelledyouyet,andIalreadycouldn’tstopmyselffromstaring.”
Astraynotioncrossesmymind,sweetandterrifyingandutterlyunlikeme:IwishIwasyourmate.Iknowbetterthantosayit.Iknowbetterthantothinkit.InsteadIfeelhislargehandclosearoundmynape.“Ireallywantyoutofeed,Misery.”
Sinkingmyteethintohimisbecomingsecondnature,hisflavorlovelyandfamiliar.Idon’tletmyselfwonderhowI’llgobacktochillybags.Ijusttakedeep,blissfulgulps,andwhenIhearhisdrawnout,vibratingmoan,whenhishanddragsmywristtohiscockandclosesmyfingersaroundit,I’mhappyandpliantandeagertoplease.
Heishard,butalsosoft,anddoesn’twantmuch.Heguidesmyhandupanddownonce,oncemore,andbeyondthat,hehasnoinstructionsforme.Mytouchappearstobeenough,justliketherestofme.
“I’mgoingtocomereallyfast,”hepuffsout.
Iletgoofhisveinwithawetpop.“Youdon’thaveto.”
Helaughs,rockingintomyfist.“Notmuchofachoice.”Hetightensmygrip,givinghimselfthepressurehe’scraving.“AndthenI’llshowyouwhatyoudotome.”
Whateverheneeds,Iwantthesame.Oneofhisthighswedgesbetweenmine,andIrubmyselfagainstit,vaguelyembarrassedatthelewd,rhythmicsoundsthecontactmakes,atthemessI’mmakingonhim.Butitfeelsgood,toogoodtostopandgoodenoughtoforget,andthenevenbetterwhenhishandkneadsmybreasts,movestothesmallofmybacktocantmyhips,positioningmesothatyes—there,“There.”Ihumthewordintohisneck,aroundmouthfulsofblood.I’mshamelessanddizzyandbrieflyhappy,grindingandsearchingforpleasurelikeit’ssomethinghehasinstoreforme—notif,justwhen.Itakeonelastdrag,andswallow,andthenask,“Isthisgood?”
Lowe’seyesstareunseeingintomine,andthefactthatheseemstooawestrucktobeabletospeak,thechoppy,uncoordinatedwayhetriestonodhispleasure,that’swhatpushesmeover.
Iletoutalow,resonantwhimper,andmyorgasmspreadslikeawaveofheat.Mybreathsshorten,myvisionnarrows,andthenI’mshudderingalloverLowe’sthigh,rollingagainsthimlikeawildcreature.IforgetaboutwhatIwasdoingforhim,therhythmIwaskeeping,thetwisty,lingeringtouchheenjoys.Buteventhen,justseeingandhearingmypleasureseemstodoitforhim.
Hisarmstightenaroundme.Hiscockbecomesharder.Hismouthagainstminechantsastringofobscene,pleadingthingsabouthowmuchhewantedthis,howbeautifulIam,howhe’llalwaysthinkofmewhenhedoesthisfromnowon,tillthedayhedies.Hissemenishotonmyfingers,onmybelly.Thesoundsinhisthroatbelongtosomethingthatlivesintheunderbrushoftheforest,someonelosttorationalthought.
It’sbeautiful,Ithink.Notjustthepleasure,butsharingitwithsomeoneelse,someoneIcareaboutandmaybelovealittlebit,asmuchasI’mable.
Andthenthethingshe’ssayingchange.Unlikemyorgasm,whichbloomedandexplodedandebbed,hislasts.Crests.AndLoweshiversandpantsandgroansthroughitbeforeheasksme,“Youwanttoknow?”
Inod,stilloutofbreath.Hishandcomesdowntoguidemineloweronhiscock,untilwereachthebase.
“Shit.”
Hischeeksareflushed,headtiltedback.Idon’timmediatelyunderstand,notuntilhissoftskinchanges.Somethinginflatesundermypalm.Lowe’shandclosesaroundmine,pressingitthere,circlingtheswellingprotuberancelikeallhewantsisforittobeenclosed,heldwithinsomething.Itgrowslarger,andLowe’sstifledgroansgrowlouder,and—
“Misery.”
He’ssayingmynamelikeaprayer.LikeI’mtheonethingstandingbetweenhimandheavenonEarth.Andthat’swhenIunderstandwhathemeant.
Sexually,heandImightnotbefullycompatible.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER23
Shemakeshimlaugh.It’snosmallgift.
TheproblemofusingagiftasanexcusetovisitGovernorDavenportisthatwecannotshowupempty-handed.IttakesonehourinHumanterritory,threedifferentantiquesstores,andawholelotofbickeringbeforeLoweandIfindapresentwebothconsiderappropriate.Henixesmychoiceofavintagebicyclepump(“That’sahookah,Misery.”).Ivetohisceramicvase(“Someone’sgrandpa’sinthere,Lowe.”).Weinsulteachother’staste,firstcovertly,thenpassive-aggressively,thenwithunabashedcontempt.WhenI’mabouttosuggestthatwefightitoutintheparkinglotandseehowwellhisclawsholdupagainstmyfangs,hehasamomentousrealizationandasks,“Doyouevenlikethegovernor?”
“Nope.”
“Isitpossiblethatwe’reputtingtoomuchthoughtintothis?”
Myeyeswiden.“Yes.”
Weslipbackinsidethelaststoreandbuyamysteriousashtrayshapedlikeapolarbear.It’ssimultaneouslytheugliestthingwecanfindandwelloverthreehundreddollars.
“Wheredoesthemoneycomefrom,anyway?”Iask.
“Whatmoney?”
“Yourmoney.Yourseconds’money.Yourpack’smoney.”Iglareathimonourwaybacktothecar,makingsurenooneisaround.I’mwearingbrowncontacts,buthaven’tshavedmycaninesinawhile.Openingmymouthinpublicwouldprobablygetanimalcontrolcalledonme.“DoyouworkininsurancewhileI’mpassedoutduringtheday?”
“Werobbanks.”
“You—”Istophimwithahandonhisarm.“Yourobbanks.”
“Notbloodbanks,don’tgettooexcited.”
Ipinchhisleftside,miffed.
“Ouch.My…”AnelderlyHumancouplewalkspast,givingusanindulgentYounglovelook.“Liver?”
“Wrongside,”Iwhisper.
“Appendix.”
“Stillwrong.”
“Gallbladder?”
“Nope.”
“FuckingHumananatomy,”hemutters.Helaceshisfingerswithmine,pullingmeinhisdirection.
“You’renotserious,right?Aboutrobbing?”
“No.”Heopensthedoorforme.“AlotofWereshavejobs.MostWeres.Ihadajob,before…Before.”
Beforehislifebecamesomethinghispackowned.“Right.”
“MostWerepackshavehighlyorganizedinvestmentportfolios.That’swheretheexpensesforinfrastructureandtheleadershiproleswhodon’thavethetimetoholdotherjobscomefrom.”Hewatchesmeslipintothepassengerseatandthenleansforward,onehandonthedoorandtheotherontheroofofthecar.“It’sdifferentfromthefinancialframeworkofVampyres.”
“Becauseourleadershippositionsarehereditary.”
“I’msurethatfamilieslikeyoursrelyonestatespassedonovergenerations,butgenerally,Vampyresarenotascentralized.There’sfewerofyou,lesscommunityculture.”
Ipursemylips.“Kindofannoying,thatyouknowmoreaboutmypeoplethanmeandthatyou’resuchashow-offaboutit.”
“Isit?”hedrawls.Heleansforwardandpressesakissagainstmynose.“I’llhavetodoitmoreoften.”
It’sthemostfunI’vehadwithsomeonewho’snotSerena.Evenmore,attimes.AlthoughthatmightbeduetothewayIfindhimglancingatmebetweenboutsofperusingstainedglasslamps,andthefactthathesilentlyhandsmehissweaterwhenIshiverintheACofthestore,andhowwhenwe’realoneinthecarhestealsakissthathasmeforgettinghowtobreathe,histonguesoftacrossmyfangsuntilItasteadropofblood,andthenheistheonegroaning,pressinghishandaroundmywaist,tellingmethathecannotwaittobehome.
Home.
Itrynottothinkaboutit—thattheterritoryofhispackismostdefinitelynotmyhome—butit’sdifficult.I’mrelievedwhenGovernorDavenportwelcomesusathisdoor,makingashowofexplicitlyinvitingmein.Iwonderifinalltheiryearsofpoliticaldealings,myfatherneverdispelledthatspecificmythforhim.It’sthekindofmindfuckhe’dindulgein.
“It’ssorefreshingtoseeaWere-Vampyreunionthathasnotyetendedinbloodshed.”Goingbythesmellofhisblood,he’snotfullydrunk,butonhiswaythere.Hishouseisamixofprettyandostentatious,andhiswifeisdefinitelynothisfirst.Probablynothissecond,either.Whenhetellsme,halfpaternalandhalfsalacious,“Youmusthavebeenbehaving,younglady,”Lowe’sglanceatmeclearlyasks,Wouldyoulikemetoholdhimdownwhileyoutearhisjugulartoshreds?
IsighandmouthaNah.
Still,Lowe’s“Thankyouforhavingus”isaccompaniedbyamore-than-firmhandshake.Thegovernorholdshisfingerstohischestasheescortsustoasittingroom,andItipmyheaddowntohidemysmile.
Heappearstohaveaprurientinterestintheworkingsofourmarriage,andhe’snotshyaboutasking.“Itmustbechallenging.Fullofarguments,Ibet.”
“Notreally,”Isay.Lowetakesasipofhisbeer.
“Disagreements,atleast.”
Iglancearoundtheroom.Lowesighs.
“IcannotimaginethatwhentopicssuchastheAstercomeupyouseeeyetoeye.”
“Thewhat?”Lowelooksatmeblankly.ItoccurstomethattheWeremightremembertheeventbyanothername.OnelesscenteredonVampyres’blood.
“Thelastattemptatanarrangedmarriagebeforeours,”Iexplain.“WheretheWeresbetrayedandmassacredtheVampyres.”
“Ah.TheSixthWedding.Itwasanactofrevenge.Atleast,that’swhatwearetaught.”
“Revenge?”
“FortheVampyregroom’sviolenttreatmentofhisWerebrideduringthepreviousmarriage.”
“Theydon’ttellusthat,”Isnort.“Wonderwhy.”
“Areyougoingtoargueaboutit?”thegovernorasks,likewe’rehispersonalsourceofentertainment.
“No,”wesayatonce,givinghimharshlooks.
Heclearshisthroatbashfully.“It’stimefordinner,don’tyouthink?”
Lowedoesn’thavetheMachiavellian,manipulativeskillsofFather,buthe’snonethelesscraftyatguidingtheconversationwhereitneedstogowithoutgivingtoomuchaway.Thegovernor’swifeismostlysilent.SoamI:Istareatmyrisottowithmushrooms,whichaccordingtoSerenaaredifferentfromthefungussheoncegotunderherfoot,thoughIcan’treallyrecallinwhatway.IlazilywonderwhyHumansandWereskeepthrowingfoodatme,andlistenasthegovernorinformsusthatheandmyfatherare“greatfriends”who’vebeenmeetinginHumanterritoryaboutonceamonthtodiscussbusinessforthepastdecade—despitethefactthatFathervisitedmeonceperyearwhenIwastheCollateral;I’dlovetobeshocked,butI’drathersavetheenergy.ThegovernorhasneverbeeninWereterritory,buthasheardbeautifulthingsandwouldloveaninvitation(whichLowedoesn’textend).He’salsogoingtotransitiontoalobbyingpositiononceMaddieGarciafullytakesover.
ThenLowemovestheconversationtohismother.“SheusedtobeoneofRoscoe’sseconds,”hesays,switchingourplatesonceheisdonewithhisdinnerandstartingthemealover.“WorkedcloselywiththeHuman-WereBureau,asamatteroffact.”
“Ah,yes.Imetheronceortwice.”
“Didyou?”
Thegovernorreachesforapieceofbread.“Alovelywoman.Jenna,right?”
“Maria.”IhearthedispleasureinLowe’stone,butIdoubtanyoneelsecan.“Iwasundertheimpressionthatmostofherdealingswerewithsomeoneinchargeofborderaffairs?Thomas…?”
“ThomasJalakas?”
“Thatsoundsright.”Lowechewsmyrisottoinsilence.“Iwonderifheremembersher.”
Itense.Untilthegovernorsays,“Sadly,hepassedawhileago.”
“Hedid?”Lowedoesn’tactsurprised.Paradoxically,itmakeshisreactionmorebelievable.“Howoldwashe?”
“Young,still.”Thegovernorsipsonhiswine.Nexttohim,hiswifeplayswithhernapkin.“Itwasaterribleaccident.”
“Anaccident?Ihopemypeoplewerenotinvolved.”
“Oh,no.No,itwasacaraccident,Ibelieve.”Thegovernorshrugs.“Unfortunately,thesethingshappen.”
Lowe’sstareissointense,Isuspecthe’sgoingtoconfronthim.Butafteramoment,itrelaxes,andtheentireroombreathesoutinrelief.“Toobad.Mymothertalkedofhimfondly.”
“Ha.”Thegovernordownstherestofhiswine.“Ijustbetshedid.Iheardhegotaround.”Ofallthethingshecouldhavesaid,thisoneisthemostwrong
Lowecalmlydabshismouthwithhisnapkinandrisestohisfeet.Heunhurriedlywalksaroundthetable,towardthegovernor,whomustrealizetheerrorofhisways.Hischairscreechesagainstthefloorashestandsandbeginsretreating.
“Imeantnooffense—Ow.”
Loweslamshimagainstthewall.Thegovernor’swifescreams,butstaysputinherchair.IruntoLowe.
“Arthur,myfriend,”hemurmursinthegovernor’sface.“Youstinklikeyou’remadeoflies.”
“I’mnot—Idon’t—Help!Help!”
“WhydidyouhaveThomasJalakaskilled?”
“Ididn’t,IswearIdidn’t!”
FourHumanagentsstorminsidetheroom,weaponsalreadydrawn.TheyinstantlypointthematLowe,shoutingathimtoletthegovernorgoandstepback.Lowegivesnosignofnoticingthem.
“TellmewhyyoukilledThomas,andI’llletyoulive.”
“Ididn’t,IswearIdidn’t—”
Heleansin.“YouknowIcankillyoufasterthantheycankillme,right?”
Thegovernorwhimpers.Adropofsweattricklesdownhisredface.“He—Ididn’twantto,buthewastalkingtojournalistsaboutsomeembezzlingmyadministrationwasinvolvedin.Wehadto!Wehadto.”
Lowestraightens.Hedustshimselfoff,takesastepback,andturnstomeasthoughwearetheonlytwopeopleintheroomandfourfirearmsarenotstilltrainedonhim.Hishandleisurelyfindsmyelbow,andhesmiles—firstatme,thentotheguards.
“Thankyou,governor,”hesays,leadingmeaway.“Wewillseeourselvesout.”
“Ihaveseveralpeopletailinghim,”Loweinformsmeoncewe’reinthecar.“AndAlexisworkingonmonitoringhiscommunications.Heknowswe’reontohim,andwe’llbealertedassoonashemakesthenextmove.”
“Ihopetenwolvesarecurrentlyshittinginhisbackyard,”Imutter,andLowehalfsmilesandputshishandonmythighinaneasy,absentmindedwaythatwouldonlymakesenseifwe’dbeendrivingplacestogetherforyears.
“Itjustdoesn’taddup,”Ivent.“SaySerenareallydidjustinterviewhimforafinancialcrimestory.Maybeshewasthejournalisthewastalkingto.WheredoesAna’snameonherplannercomefrom?”Iguessitcouldbeunrelated.But.“ThereisnowayshecoincidentallymetwithAna’sfatherandfoundoutaboutAnathroughotherchannels.Nofuckingway.Didsomeoneplantthename?Butitwasinouralphabet.Nooneelseknewaboutit.”We’resilentwhileIchurnonit,staringatthestreetlights.ThenLowespeaks.
“Misery.”
“Yeah.”
“Thereisanotherpossibility.RegardingSerena.”
Ilookathim.“Yeah?”
Heappearstopainstakinglylineupthewords.Whenhespeaks,histoneismeasured.“Maybeitwasn’tThomaswhotoldSerenaaboutAna,buttheopposite.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“MaybeSerenafoundoutaboutAnafromanothersource,andthenusedtheinformationtoblackmailThomasoverhisrelationshipwithaWereandforcehimtotellheraboutfinancialcrimeshemightknowabout.Maybeshewantedtobreakthestory,butchangedhermindwhensherealizedthatshewasindangerofbeingtargetedbyGovernorDavenport.UnlikeThomas,shewasn’tapublicindividual,andshehadtheoptiontodisappear.”
Ishakemyhead,evenasIrealizethatsomeofthisisadistinctpossibility.“Shewouldn’thaveleftwithouttellingme,Lowe.She’smysister.Andtherearenodigitaltraces.Shewouldn’tknowhowtoavoidthem.She’snotme.”
“She’snot.Butshedidlearnfromyouforyears.”Helooksdeeplysorrytohavetosaythis.
Iletoutalaugh.“Notyou,too,tryingtoconvincemethatSerenadidn’tcareaboutmeasmuchasIcaredabouther.Shewouldn’tleavemeheretopicturetheworst.Shealwaystoldmeeverything—”
“Noteverything.”Hisjawtenses.Likethisconversationispainfulforhim,becauseit’spainfulforme.“Youmentionedthatyouhadafightbeforesheleft.Thatsometimesshe’dleavefordaysonherown.”
“Neverwithoutsaying.”
“Maybetherewasnotime.Orshedidn’twanttoputyouindanger.”
Iwaveitaway.“Thisisridiculous.WhataboutSparkles?Sheabandonedhercat.”
“Tellmesomething,”heasks.Ihatehowmeasuredandrationalhesounds.“Didsheknowyouwellenoughtopredictthatyou’dgolookingforherandfindthecat?”
Iwanttosaynosobad,mylipsalmosthurt.ButIcan’t,andinsteadIrememberherlastwordstome:
Ineedtoknowthatyoucareaboutsomething,Misery.
Andshedidleavesomethingbehind.Somethingthatneededcaringfor.Thedamnfuckingcat.God,whatawackyplanthiswouldbe.
ASerenaplan.
“Maybeyou’reright,andshedoesn’twanttobefound.Butshewouldn’tputthelifeofachildatrisk,noteveninexchangeforthebiggest,juicieststoryofhercareer.IknowSerena,Lowe.”
Andthat’stheproblemwithLowe’stheory:itwouldmeanthatSerenaissafelytuckedsomewhere,butalsothatshewasn’tthepersonIbelievedhertobe,andIcan’tacceptit.Notforaminute.
Loweknowsthis,becauseheopenshismouthtosaysomethingelse,somethingthatundoubtedlywillmakeimpeccablesenseandfeellikeapunchinthesolarplexus.SoIstophimbyaskingthefirstthingthatcomestomind:
“Wherearewegoing?”We’reheadedsouth,towarddowntown.TowardVampyreterritory.
“Tomeetyourbrother.We’renearlythere.”
“Owen?”
“Youhaveothers?”
Ifrown.“Ithoughthe’dcometous.”
“Wereterritoryismoretightlypatrolledandhardertoinfiltrate.Sincewedon’twanttoattractattentionandturnthisintoaformalsummit,it’ssafertomeetwithhimattheVampyre-Humanborder.”
I’mwellfamiliarwiththisroad.Itookitforthefirsttimeateightyearsold,onmywaytotheCollateralresidence,andIstillrememberthatdrowning,stickyfeelinglowinmythroat,thefearthatI’dnevergettogohomeagain.Isqueezemyeyesshut,tryingtoredirectmythoughtstothelasttime.Shortlybeforethewedding,Iimagine.MaybewhenIwasaskedtochoosebetweenflowersthatalllookedthesame,whiteandprettyandreadytowither.Ahandfulofdaysandamillionlifetimesago.
“Areyouokay?”Loweaskssoftly.
“Yeah.Just…”I’mnotusuallysentimental,butsomethingaboutbeingwithhimsoftensme.Myguardisdown.
“Feelsweird,huh?”
Inod.
“Wecanalwaysturnaround,”heoffersquietly.“I’llfigureoutawaytohaveOwencomesouth.”
“No.I’mfine.”
“Okay.”Heturnsintoasmallsidestreet.WhenIglanceattheGPSit’snotonthemap,butwecometoastopattheedgeofacultivatedfield.
Lowe’sexpressionisbemused.“I’mactuallycuriousaboutthis.”
Iglancearound.AllIcanseeisdarkness.“Aboutthewholesomeexperienceofpickingyourowntomatoes?”
“Aboutmeetingyourbrother.”
Hegetsoutofthecar,andIimmediatelyfollowhim.Ithoughtwewerealone,butIhearanothercardoorclicking,and—thereheis.
Owen,sneeringatthesoilstickingtohisloafers,swattingawaybugs.It’sshockinghowhappyIamtoseehim.Thatjerk,climbingupmygoodgracesuninvited.I’mtemptedtoyellsomeinsultsathim,justtomakeupforit,untilIhearanotherclick.
Owendidn’tcomealone.There’sawomanwithhim.AwomanI’venevermet.AwomanwhosebloodsmellsalotlikeaWere’s.
Lowe’smate.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER24
Hefeelsliketheentireworldisinthepalmofhishand.Sheseemshappy,too.Andmystifiedbyherownhappiness,asthoughthefeelingissomethingnewandforeign.Ithashimwonderingwhetherhecouldmakethiswork.She’snotWere,andherlackoffamiliaritycouldbeablessing.Shewouldn’tneedtoknowthefulltruth,whichinturnwouldensureherfreedom.
Loweleansbackagainstthetrunkofhiscarinwhatseemstobetheofficialpositionofperformativeharmlessness—crossedankles,relaxedshoulders,hisbestI-may-be-one-powerful-Were-but-I-have-no-intention-of-brawling-with-youair.
IsettlenexttohimasOwenandGabimaketheirwaytous,tryingtoignoremyheartpoundinginmychest.InearlystartlewhenLowelaceshishandwithmine.
“You’retrembling,”hesays.“Areyouokay?”
“Idon’tknowwhy.”ExceptthatIdo.“I’mcold,Ithink.”
Hepullsmecloser—thebesthecando,sinceI’malreadywearinghissweater.I’mimmediatelyenvelopedinthattoastywarmthhisbodyalwayswelcomesmewith,andthescentofhisheartbeatisdeliciousinmynostrils.Lowepeersatmelikeheknowssomething’soff.
Ibracemyselffor…Idon’tknow.SeeingLowereunitedwithhismateissomethingthatrequirespreparationfromme.I’vesunkwaytoodeepintothisthingbetweenus.
“Iaskedyoutofuckitout.”Owen’svoiceisflatandannoyed,butnomorethanusual.“Andyet,hereyouare.Subjectingmetothis.”
“Owen,”Lowewarns.Hiseyeslingeronmeforanotherinstant,concerned,thenflickertomybrother’s.“Apleasure.”
“LearnfromGabrielleandme,”Owencontinues.“WelivetogetherattheNest,buthaven’tdevelopedunnecessaryfeelingsforeachotheroranykindofsexualattraction.Wecultivatearelationshipofmildcollaborationatbest,severeindifferenceonaverage.”
“Gabi.”Lowe’snodiswarm,cordial,surprisinglyneutral.
She’sabeautifulwoman,withglossydarkhairandthepatientexpressionthatpeopleforcedtodealwithOwenforanylengthoftimetendtoacquire.Shebrieflydipsherhead,likeallofLowe’ssecondsdowhentheyseehim.“Nicetoseeyou,Alpha.Everythingokayathome?”There’saffectionandrespectinthewords.Ireadnothingelse.
“Forthemostpart.”
“Goodtohear.”Shegivesmeacuriouslook.Hereyesbrieflydartdown,andIdon’thavetofollowthemtoknowthey’reonLowe’sandmyjoinedhands.
Athoughtstrikesmelikeabolt—hemightbeusingmetomakeherjealous.Iletitpoisonmybrainforamoment,thendismissit.Lowewouldneverstooptothosekindsofplays.
“Howlovely,”Owensaysdrily.“Insignificantlylesswholesomenews,noluckonthesecurityfootageoutsideSerena’splaceyet.Wewerehopingtogetagoodviewfromtheapartmentcomplexinfrontofhers,butthecamerasweretamperedwith.”
Lowefrowns.“Onlyforthedateofthebreak-in?”
“Correct.”
Ifrown.“How?”
Owenshrugs.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Howdidthetamperingoccur?Wasitsoftware?Hardware?Didtheypaintballthelensortripthecircuitbreakerorcutthedatacable?”
“I’mnotcertain.Myguydidmention,but…”Owenwaveshishand.“Technicalwitchcraftthatnobodycouldunderstandaside,it’sclearthat—”
“Jammers,”Gabisays,andsmileswhenIgiveherasurprisedlook.
“Theydisruptedthesignal?”
“Likelyusedaradiofrequencydetectortofigureoutthebroadcast.”
It’sthesophisticatedway.Theonesomeonewithresourceswoulduse.Someonewhoworksforpowerfulpeopleandislookingforcluesonthewhereaboutsofajournalistontherun.ItwouldfitwithLowe’stheory,forsure.“Crafty,”Isay.
“Right?”Shegrins.OwenandLoweexchangeacommiseratinglook.“Iknowthishasnothingtodowithme,”Gabicontinues,“butOwenistheonlypersonwho’lltalktomeattheNest.Hetoldmeaboutyourfriend,andI’msorrythathappenedtoyou.Ican’timaginehowharditmustbe,theuncertainty.”
Herwordsaredisorienting,becausenooneelsehassaidthemtomebefore.InmyquesttofindSerena,peoplehavehelpedme,mockedme,dismissedme,nudgedme,butnoonehasstoppedtotellmetheyweresorry.Athickfeelingrisestomythroat.“Thankyou.”
Owenmakesagaggingsound.“Howtouching.Movingontomoreentertainingtopicsandthereasonforthismeeting.”Hislilaceyessettleintomine.“I’mgoingtotakeoverFather’sseatonthecouncil.”
Imusthavemisheard.“What?”
“I’mgoingtotakeoverFather’sseatonthecouncil.”
Nope,Iheardcorrectly.“DidFather…die?”
Owentiltshishead.“DoyouthinkIwouldneglecttoinformyouifFatherdied?Actually,Icouldseemyselfdoingthat.No,Fatherisalive.ButIamindisagreementwithmanyofhisdecisionsoflate.Many.IthinkIcoulddobetter,andIdecidedtomakeabidforhisseat.I’dloveyoursupport.”
“Mysupport?”IpushawayfromthecaranddisentanglefromLowe,facingmybrother.Mycuckoo-bananasbrother.“Makingabid?That’snotathingpeopledo.”
Heshrugs.“It’sathingI’mdoing.”
“How?”
“I’mhappytosharemyplanindetail.Intwoweeks,attheannualmeeting,Iplanto—”
“Donotshare.”IlookbetweenLoweandGabi,whoseemengrossedinourexchange.“Youknowwhatthepunishmentforhightreasonis?”Hemust,becauseIdo,andIneverknowshit.ButIdorememberwhathappenedwhenIwassevenandCouncilwomanSelamio’sbrothertriedtostealherbirthrightfromher,orwhenCouncilmanKhatridiedsuddenly,withoutnamingwhichoneofhistwosonswouldinherittheposition.
Slaughter,that’swhathappened.Lotsofpurplespatter.Fatherwouldneverreacttohavinghisseatusurpedwithanythingbutbloodshed.Andbyhislazy,hedonisticson?“He’snotjustamember,Owen.He’stheleaderofthecouncil.”
“Unofficial.”
“Bullshit.”
“Andanyway,”hecontinueslikehedidn’thearme,“hisprominentpositioncouldbeinmyfavor.Lotsofcouncilmembersaredissatisfiedwiththewayhe’sbeenseizingpower.”
Wild.Buckwild.“Whoknowsaboutthis?”
“Ihavebeenslowlyspinningawebofallies.Establishingtacticalcollaborations.”
He’sdead.Myonlysiblingleftisasgoodasdead.“Why?”
“Itseemedprudent.”
Ipinchmynose,because—fuck.Fuck.“Doyouevenwanttobeacouncilman?”
Heshrugsnonchalantly.“Whynot?Couldbefun.”
“Owen.Just…”IburymyfaceinmyhandsandLowestandsfromthehoodofthecar,comingtomassagemyshouldersinthismomentofdesperateneed.Isupposehe’stryingtobecomforting,butIfeelhisamusementinmybones.
MaybeIcouldpunchhimandOwen.Justalittlebit.Wouldn’tthatmakemefeelbetter?
Yes.Yes,itwould.
“Misery.Mysister.”HeshiftstotheTongue.“Youaredisplayingmorefeelingsthanusual.Areyounotwell?”
Istraightenandtakeadeepbreath.EventhoughOwenandIwerebornthreeminutesapart,clearlyI’mtheadult.“Listen,I’mreallytryingtofindthatbitchSerena,andI’vegrownreallyfondofLowe’sannoyinglittleshitofasister.Unfortunately,they’rebothreallygoodatgettingthemselvesintrouble.Soifyoucouldavoidmakingmylifeevenharderbecauseofsomehalf-assedplanyouputtogethertwohoursagooutofspitandshoelaces—”
“Threemonthsago.”
“—itwouldbereally…What?”
Owen’seyesharden.“Threemonthsago,Misery.I’vebeenworkingonthisplansinceIdiscoveredthatmyfatherwasconsideringsendingmysisterintoenemyterritory.Again.”Hebareshisfangs,andhistoneisuncharacteristicallyearnest.“Icoulddonothingwhenwewerechildren.Icoulddonothingwhenyoureturned,becauseIwastoomuchofacowardtotakeastand.Icannotdoanythingnow,butIamdeterminedtotry.”Hisgazefixesmineforalongmoment,andhepicksupinEnglishagain.“Iwanttobetheonenegotiatingthenextsetofalliances.IwantallCollateralsystemsgone.Iwanttostopenforcingartificialborderlines,orholdingontodisputedterritoriesoutofspite.Iwanttoturnthisplaceintosomethingthat’snotapowderkeg.”
Istudyhim,astonished.Realizingthatinalltheyearswespentapart,asIgrewandchangedandbuiltmyownlife,myidiotbrotherdid,too,andturnedinto
Notanidiot,clearly.
“Fatherisgoingtokillyou,”Irepeat.Thistimenotwiththeintentofdissuadinghim.
“Maybe.”Heturnstoaspothighabovemyshoulder.Lowe.“Anyadviceonhowtosuccessfullycarryoutacoup,Alpha?”
“Iwasgoingtorecommendaheartybreakfast,but…”
“Howunfortunate.”
Lowe’shandslidestomywaist,pullingmeintohislargerbody.“I’mnofanofyourfather.AndastheWeresandtheVampyresformalliances,Iwouldlovetoseesomeonewhoseprioritiesalignwithmine.”Mybrotherandmyhusbandlookatme,thenateachother.SomethingIcannotdecipherpassesbetweenthem.Anagreement.Asharedportofcall.
Owenspendsthenextminutesupdatingmeonthecomplexnetworkofhissupporters,allies,andcoconspirators.Heassuresmethatnooneknowsabouthisplan,andsurprisingly,IfindthatIbelievehim.Hemayseemostentatiouslycareless,buthe’sbeennothingbutcarefulandcircumspectaboutthis.Still,hequicklyshiftstoinanegossipI’mnotinterestedin,andIfindmyselftuninghimoutwhenIoverhearLoweaskingGabi,“…anythingyouneed?”
“Notreally.Therehavebeennosignsofdangersofar.Owenissurprisinglydecentcompanyandgavemeaccesstohisgamingconsoles.Everyoneelsehasbeentreatingmecoldlyandleavingmealone,whichisfantastic—they’rerealprosatthisCollateralexchangething.They’vehadtodealwithHumanchildrenfordecades,andI’mmuchlowermaintenancethanthat.They’remonitoringmyinternetusage,ofcourse,butIhaveplentyoftimetoworkonmymaster’s.I’mtakingfiveclassesthissemester.”
“Finance,wasit?”
“Electricalengineering.Ishouldbedoneattheendoftheyear.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks.Andyou?Youseemhappywithyour…”IthinkGabiispointingatme,butIcannotturntoverify.JustlikeIcannotbesurethatLowenodsandsmilesfaintly,eventhoughitnearlyresonatesthroughme,thefactthatheis.Happy.Withme.
“Let’sgo,Gabi,”Owencalls,spinningonhisheels.“I’mboringmysisterwithtrivialdetailsaboutwho’sfuckingwhomstamongourpeople.”
Irollmyeyes,thenbracemyselfagain.LoweandGabididn’tgreeteachotherwarmly,butnowit’ssuretohappen:ahug,atendermoment,awistfulgoodbye.Shemaynotknowthatshe’shismate,buthefeelsforher.
Iwouldtakeanythingshechosetogiveme—thetiniestfractionorherentireworld.
He’lltakewhathecannow,andeventhoughItoldmyselfI’dbeabletodealwiththiswhenithappened,thejealousheartacheistoomuch.Icannotwatch.IwavegoodbyeatOwenandGabiandsteparoundLowe’scar.
ButI’mjustacoupleoffeetawaywhenIhear,“Letmeknowifthesituationchanges,”followedbyashort,“Yes,Alpha.”Therearetwosetsofsteps:GabiwalkingafterOwen,Loweheadingforthedriver’sseat,andnothingelse.
Nothingmorethanafriendlywave.
WhenIglanceatLowe,he’snotlookingbackinherdirection.Nottrackingherwithhiseyes.Notrubbinghisjawwithhispalmlikehedoeswhenheisworried,ornervous,orpensive.Hismateisheadingbacktoenemyterritory,andhemightneverseeheragain,andheis…
Smiling,actually.
Isitinthepassengerseat,staringatmyknees,thinkingaboutwhatLowetoldme.Amategrabsyoubythestomach,hesaid,andhewassosureofit,Ifeltitinmystomach,too.Hemadeitsoundlikeathoughtthatwon’tquit,aspectacleimpossibletotearone’seyesfrom.ButwithGabi…
MaybeIcannotreadhim.Buthedoesn’tseemtogravitatetowardher.Hewasbymysideforthewholeconversation.Hecouldn’trememberwhatshestudied
Ilookupfrommylap.Loweisstaringatmewithatender,amusedexpression.Thekeysareintheignition,buthehasn’tturnedthem.He’smotionless,likeheforgotwhathewasabouttodo.
“What?”Iask,alittledefensive.
“Nothing.”Hissmileissoft.Likeaboywhogotcaught.“Youokay?”HeclearlyhasnoideawhatI’mthinking.
Inod,keepingmyeyesonthedarknessoutsideashestartsthecar.Mycheeksarehot.I’monthevergeofsomething.
It’spossiblethatIunderstandnexttonothingaboutWeres.Aboutlove.AboutLoweandGabi.It’spossiblethatI’manidiotwhoreadstoomuchintotoolittle.ButIfeelsomethingdeepinmybelly,andIknowittoberight.
Lowemayhaveamate,butshe’snotGabi.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER25
Heshouldneverhavetoldher.Hemadeamistake—several,infact.
Somethingelusivedanglesinfrontofmynose,butIcan’tfocusonit.It’satip-of-the-tonguestate,asneezethatwon’tstartandteetersthere,waiting.
Lowe’smateisnotGabi.Ifiddlewiththememoriesofpastconversations,tryingtorecallwhatIknow,whatLoweopenlyacknowledged,andwhatgapsIfilledonmyown.There’sanaggingsparkofsomethinginmychest,somethingfizzyandnotunhappy.Itrytorationalizeitintonothing,andwhenthatfails,Iforcemyattentionawaybysaying,“Ilivefiveminutesfromhere.”Iwetmylips,studyingthefamiliarcontoursofmyoldneighborhood.“Lived.”Ibitemylowerlip.“IguessIstilldo.Thecounciltookovermyrent.”
“Wanttostopby?”
“Why?”
“I’dliketoseeit.”
Isnort.“It’snotaveryarchitecturallypleasingbuilding.”
“It’snotaboutthebuilding,Misery.”
Ittakesmoreliketenminutestogetthere,butLowefollowsmydirectionswithoutcomplaints.Ipunchinthecodeatthemainentrance,butdidn’tbringanykeyswithme,sooncewe’reinfrontofmydoor,Ipluckahairpinoff.
“You’re…”Heletsoutalow,affectionatelaugh,shakinghishead.
Ipushthedooropenandliftaneyebrow.“I’m?”
“Amazing.”
Mychestistootightformyheart.
“Howlongdidyoulivehere?”heasks,followingmeinsideandglancingaround
Icalculateitinmyhead.“Fouryears,moreorless.”
TheCollateralisentitledtoasmalltrustfund,andIusedprettymuchallofmymoneyonmyfakeHumanIDs,andthentoputmyselfandSerenathroughcollege.Wewereonatightbudgetforafewyears,sharingcrampedspacesandconstantlycompromisingonthedecor.Theresultwasamixofminimalismandshabbychicthatwebothlookedbackonwithequalfondnessandhorror.
Thisplace,though,iswhereImovedaftergraduating.Ihadmyfirstsalaryandcouldsplurgealittle.Iwaspleasedwiththeclean,no-fussspaces.IrescuedmostofthefurniturefromfleamarketsSerenaandIvisitedoncloudydays,earlyinthemorning,andlovedhowunclutteredandroomythefinalresultwas.Ilistenedtosynthwavemusicwithoutanyonejudgmentallyaskingmewhattraumahadledtometoenjoy“thatshit,”andcouldevendisplaymylavalampinallitscringeglory.
Andyet,whenIglancearoundthelivingroom,tryingtoseetheplacefromLowe’sperspective,itonlyseemsempty.Lifeless.Likeamuseum.
Picturingmyselfinithasmystomachintwists.It’sonlybeenafewweeks—mytastescan’thavechangedsomuchinsolittle,canthey?
IturntoLoweandfindhimwhite-knucklingthedoorframe.“Areyouokay?”
“Itsmellsalotlikeyou,”hesays.Hisvoiceishushed,eyesglassyandunfocused.“Morethanyourroominmyhouse.More…layers.”Hewetshislips.“Givemeasecondtogetusedtoit.”
Idon’taskhimifmyscentbothershim,becauseit’sclearbynowthatitdoesn’t.Heusedtohateit,though.Ordidhe?Hesuredidn’tdenyit,andIthoughtheonlyrecentlychangedhismind,butmaybe…
“AreyouandGabiclose?”Iask.Notwhatwewerediscussing,butLoweappearstowelcomethedistraction.
“Idon’tknowherwell.”Hetakesadeepbreath,slowlygettinghimselfundercontrol.“She’sacoupleofyearsolder,andgrewupinanotherhuddle.I’veonlymetherahandfuloftimes.”
“WhywasshechosentobetheWereCollateral?”
“Sheofferedto.”Hetakesafewstepsinside,fingerslightlytracingtheemptysurfaces,asthoughhewantstoleavelittlesnippetsofhisscentinthishome.Braiditwithmyown.Iseenodust,whichmeansthatOwenmusthavearrangedforacleaningservice.HereallyisabetterbrotherthanIgavehimcreditfor.“Shewasasecond.ShewantedatrucewiththeVampyres.Shelostrelativesinthewar,Ibelieve.”
“Isee.Didyouaskforvolunteers?”
Heshakeshishead.“Yourfather’sproposalwasdiscussedduringoneofourroundtables.Iwasn’tgoingtoaskanyonetoputthemselvesindanger,andwasveryclearthatifusprovidingaCollateralwasnonnegotiable,Iwouldn’tgothroughwiththemarriage.Afterthemeeting,Gabitookmeasideandaskedtobesentin.”
“Right.”Iwanderintothekitchenetteandidlyopenthefridge.Insidethere’saforgottenbagofblood.Whatawaste.“Sheasked.Lowe?”
Heleansagainstthewall,alreadymorerelaxed.“Yeah?”
“WhatdidIstudyincollege?”
Hegivesmeapuzzledlook.“You?”
“Me.”
“Why?”HeshrugswhenIdon’treply.“Youmajoredinsoftwareengineeringandminoredinforensicsciences.”
Okay,okay.
Okay.
“Itwasneverher.”
Hisstareisperfectlyblank.
“Gabi.Sheisnotyourmate.”
“She—no.Didyouthinkshewas?”Heblinks,uncomprehendingly.
“GovernorDavenportsaidso.Backattheceremony.”
Hiseyeswidenwithunderstanding,andIwatchtherealizationhithim.“No.ThetraditionalcontractbetweenVampyresandWeresrequirestheCollateraltobetwothings:ingoodhealth,andrelatedtotheAlphaofthepack.”
Iknewthat.Butforthefirsttime,Iactuallythinkaboutit.“DoyouhaveanylivingrelativesasidefromAna?”
Heshakeshishead.
“Isee.Andyouweren’tabouttolethergo.”
“Itwasalsononnegotiable.”
“So…?”
“WemadethecasethatamateisequivalenttoabloodrelativewithinaWerepack.It’snotquiteasstraightforwardasthat,but…”
“Thecouncilboughtit.”
Lowenods.“IaskedyourfathernottopublicizethatshewasmymatetoavoidissuesforGabionceshereturnedhome.Ididn’tthink…”Iwatchunderstandingfullysinkintohim.ThatI’dbeenassumingitwasher.ThatIthoughthe’dbroughtmetomeethismate,evenaswe…“No.No,Misery.”Heseemsdistressedonmybehalf.“Sheisn’t.I’msorry.”
“It’sokay.”It’snothisfaultifIassumed,andithasnothingtodowithme,anyway.
Butithas.Westudyeachotheracrossseveralfeet,andthere’saquestionbubblingdeepinmybelly,andananswersimmeringinsidehim,atentativecertaintythatwarmstheairbetweenus.
MyfeetdragmetoLoweoftheirownaccord.Theypushmeuponmytoes,andI’mkissinghimasintenselyasIcan,toomuchpressuretoofast,myarmsloopedtightaroundhisnecklikeanoose.Hedoesn’timmediatelyrespond,butit’sconfusionmorethanhesitation.Afterabeathishandsclosearoundmywaist,trappingmebetweenhimandthewall,deepeningthecontact.“Misery.”Thewordscomeoutjumbledbetweenourlips.Hiserectionbrushesagainstmystomachandwebothgasp.
“Weshouldn’t,”hesays,pullingback.
ButwhenIaskhim“Why?”hislipsfindmineagain.Thekissstartedhigh,butstillmanagestoescalate.“Iknow.Iknow,Ithink—”Myhandstraveldown,pullinguphisshirtandexposingastripofwarmskin.“Iwantto—”Icannotsayitoutloud,becauseIdon’tknowwhatIneed.Ithastodowiththetruth,andhimadmittingit,butit’saconfused,painfulthorntangledinmyhead.“Canwe—”
“Yeah.Yeah,wecan.”He’satonceurgentandsoothing.“Wecan.”
Thereisacouchrightbehindus,butLoweflipsmearounduntilmyfrontispressedtothewall,foreheadandforearmflushagainstit.“Slowdown,”hecommands,mouthsuckingonmyneck,alargehandsplayingoverthecenterofmyback.Myheartflutters.Intheslipperinessofthismoment,it’sexactlywhatIneedtohear.
“You’rejustsogood.”He’sbeingWere,orAlpha,orLoweagain.Pressingopen-mouthedbitesintomyneck.Imoan,andhepushesharderintome.“Youneedtotellme.ThisplacesmellslikeyouandyourscentisshootingupmybrainandIcannotthinkaboutanythingbutfuckingyou.Soifyouwantmetostop,Ineedyoutotellme.”
Ipressmyforeheadharderagainstthewall.“Please,don’tstop.”
Heswearssoftly,soundingruined.Hemakesquickworkofpullingupmyshirtandunfasteningmyjeans.Iarchagainsthim—hismouth,hischest,hiscock.Oneofhislargepalmscomesuptothewall,rightbesidemine,andIextendmylittlefingertobrushagainsthisthumb.I’mrequestingmore,andhegetsit.Butinsteadofgivingittome,henuzzlesthecrookofmythroat.“Weshouldslowdown.”Helaughs,rueful,hotintomyskin.
“Theopposite.”
“Misery—”hestarts.
“Iwanttohavesex.”
Ayearning,gutturalnoisevibratesintomyskin.“Misery.”
“It’sfine.It’sgoingtoworkout.”
“It’snot.”
“Why?”
“Youknowwhy.”Hisarmscrossonmybellyandpullmetohim,possessive,alittlefrustrated.“Wecan’t.”We’rebothshakingwith…Thisdeep,bottomlessneedinsideme,isitdesire?Isthiswhypeopledoimpulsive,mindless,hotheadedthings?
“Ijust—Itmusthavehappenedbefore.AmaleWereandafemaleVampyre.”Ourspecieshaveexistedforthousandsofyears,andwedidn’talwayshateeachother.“Wecouldtry.I’mnotafraidofyour…”
Helaughsunsteadilyagainstmythroat.“Youdon’tevenknowwhatit’scalled.”
“Whatdoesitmatter?”
“AmIwrong?”Iletoutabitterhum,andheshushesmewithaniponthevalleybehindmyear.“Youdon’tknowwhatyou’reaskingfor,doyou?”
“Justtellme,then.ThenI’llknow,and—”
“Aknot.It’scalledaknot.”Isavorthewordinmyhead,marvelingathowwellitfits.“Sayit,”Loweorders.AndwhenIhesitate,headds,“Please.”
“Knot.Aknot.”
Hisgriptightens.Hisbreathgrowsshallow.“Shit.”
“W-what?”
“IthinkI’dliketohearyousayitagain.”
Ido,justbecauseheasked.Heclutchesmyhipasthoughhelikestheencoreevenmore.
“Youknowwhatitspurposeis?”
ImayknownothingaboutWerebiology,butI’mnotstupid,ornaive.“Yes.”
“Sayit.”
Thisissimultaneouslymortifyingandthemosteroticexperienceofmyentirelife.“Tokeepitinside.”
Hishandslidesunderneathmyshirt,gentlystrokingtheundersideofmybreast.“Keepwhatinside,sweetheart?”
Iclosemyeyes.Myheartbeatsapounding,sluggishrhythmintoeveryinchofmyskin.“Yourcome.”
Hisbigbodyshuddersforamoment.Thenrewardsmewithanibbleonthetipofmyear.“You’dbeokaywiththat?”
Inod.Hegroans.
“I’mnotsureI’dbewillingtoriskhurtingyou.”
IwishIcouldseehisface.“Youcanstop.Ifithurts,ifitdoesn’twork.”
“WhatifIcan’t?”
“Youwill.Iknowyouwill.”
“OrIwon’tbeableto.BecauseIwantittoomuch.”Hisfingersmovebackdown,skimmingmyunderwear,knuckleswhiteagainstthedampbluecotton.HemurmurssomethingabouthowslickIam,andwhentheheelofhispalmstartsmassagingmyclitinaslowrhythmIsighinpleasureandrelief.
“I—Ireallywantto.”
“Fuck,”heexhales,andthenheshiftsbehindme.Hispalmfullycoversmyhandonthewall.
I’mhere.Okay.I’vegotyou.
“Letmejust—Ican’tjustfuckyoulikethis.”Hepullsmyjeansaroundmykneesandcrowdsmetighterintothewall.“Letmegetyouthere.”
Idon’tfullyunderstandwhathemeans,untiloneofhishandsgripsmyhipboneandtheotherslipsinsidemypanties,stretchingthecottoninawaythatfeelsobscene.Hepartsmewithtwoofhisfingers,andletsoutahushed,reverentialgroanashestaresathimselftouchingmeunderthesoftfabric.Hisheartbeatpunchesintomyback,andwhenhisteethfindmythroatandstartscraping,thennibbling,thenbitingjusthardenough,whenhisfingercirclesmyclitjustright,that’swhenIcome.
It’sunexpected,toofast.BarelyaclimbandI’malreadydroppingdown,gaspingforair.Butitfeelslikeaninterrupted,halfthing,andIdon’tletmyselfcatchmybreath.Ireachback,franticallygraspingtoundohisjeans.
“Quiet,”heorders,pinningmyhandstothesmallofmyback.“Youneedtogivemeaminute.I’mfiguringthisout.”
Iforcemyselftorelax.It’sobviousthat,onaverage,thesexhispeoplehaveandthesexofmypeoplearedifferentflavors.Justasit’sobviousthatheandIinhabitsomeoverlappingspace.Iwouldexpectnothingless.
“Thiswouldbeeasierifyousmelledalittlelessfuckable,”hesaysraggedly,butIheartheclinkingsoundofhisbeltandthenIfeelit,theheadofhiscockpressingagainstthesoakedpantiesthatsticktomypussy.Ifreemyselftoreachdown,strokehislength,andhemakesachokedsound.It’shotandlarge,butthethingatthebase—hisknot—hasn’tswelledyet.Lasttimeitinflatedwhenhecame.Iwanttoknowifthat’sthenorm,butaskingwillsendLoweintoanotherspinofconcern,andIdon’tneedhimtoworryaboutme.
“Please,”Ibeg.“Please,putitin.”
Henodsagainstmytemple,breathshallowandquick.Hehooksmyunderweartothesideandpusheshiscockinsideme,theburningstretchdeepeninguntilitcannotgoanyfarther,andwhateveritwasthatIexpectedfromhavingaman—havingLowe—insideme,thisisdifferent.
Iinhaleabruptly.
Heexhalesinthesameway.
There’snoneedfornegotiation,nopain,andnostruggle.I’mpliantandhe’shard.I’mwetandhe’sgroaning.Wefit.ThebiologicalcompatibilityLowetoldmeabout,theonebetweenmates…Idon’tpresumetoknowwhatthatwouldbelike.AllIknowisthatwefeelprettyfucking—
“Perfect,”hemurmurs,bottomingout,grippingmywaistlikehe’stryingtocollecthimself.Iknowwhy:thisfeelsexquisiteinasharp,cruelway.Vampyresdon’treadminds,butIknowwhathe’sthinking:howeasyitwouldbetoliveinthisforever.Tojustneverstop.“Don’tmove,orI’llcome.”Helicksastripeupthebackofmyneck.“Shit,Imightcomeanyway.Justfromyourscentandyourlittlebentneck.”
Imight,too.Verysoon.Especiallyashemoveswithexperimental,shallowthruststhathiteverywhereinsideme.Ifeelmyselftighteninlittlefluttersaroundhim,andhestops.Thenhebendsovertowhisperagainstmyear:“Ifyou’reabouttocome,tellme.Becausethatwillmakemecome,andIneedtopulloutorImighthurtyou.Okay?”Hesoundscalm,evenwhenhiscontrolisabouttosnap.
Inod,tryingtostaveoffthesurgeofpleasure.
“Okay.”Hepressesanothergentle,chastekissagainstmynape,andthendrawsout.Thefrictionisdelicious,andIarchback,makingplaintivesoundsasonlythetipisleftinside.Whenhepushesinagain,alittledeeper,Iwhimper.“Toomuch?”
TheonlyanswerIcanmanageisasqueezearoundhiscock.Hispalmslapsagainstthewallwithacurse.
“I’vebeenthinkingaboutthis,”Itellhim,barelyawhisper.
His“Yeah”isapologetic.“Itriednotto.”
Iturnmyhead.He’shulking,wrappedaroundme.Hischeekisthere,stubblyandflushedoliveandperfectformetokiss.“Me,too.”ThenIadd,smiling,“Nottoohard,though.”
Ilosetrackoftimewhenhestartsthrusting,andsodoeshe.Wemovetogether,sweatyandwinded.Hestopsafterafewminutes,totakeofftheedge,andthenagainacoupleofminutesafterthat.Hepullsoutwhenheneedsabreakfromthestimulation,andIfeelempty,shakingwithfrustratedpleasure,soheslideshisfingersinsideme,keepingmefullashewindsdown,hotandhardagainstmyhip.Thelightsfromthestreetpourinthroughthewindows,andourbreathinggrowschoppy.WhenIcan’tstopmyself,whenI’msensitiveandswollenandabouttoshattersohardthatasinglethrustisokaytobringmeoff,Icanbarelyremembertowarnhim.
“I’maboutto—”
Icomeagain,thepleasurecurlingtightinsideme.WhathappenstoLoweisfuzzy,eclipsedbymyownpleasure,butImakeoutsomeofit:asharpgrunt;asuddenfeelingofemptiness;thatpartofhimswellinghotterandharderagainsttheglobesofmyass;thenhiscome,warmandwet,poolingontothesmallofmyback.
Andthenwestaylikethat,breathingtogether,wipedofthought.Hepresseshisforeheadagainstmyshoulder,onehandsplayedonmyabdomenasiftocontainme,andmaybeit’swhateverchemicalsfloodVampyrebrainsaftersex,butIcannotacceptthatthisisnotdestined.Thatwearenotmeanttobe.
“DoWeres…”Myvoiceisraspyfromswallowingmymoans.Iclearmythroatandhearmyselfask,“DoWeresalwaysknot?”
Heletsoutashudderingbreath.“Don’tmove.”Hepressesakissagainstmycheekbone.“I’mgoingtocleanyouup.Wheredoyoukeep—”
“Don’tleave.”Iturnaroundtolookathim,andhelooks—ravaged.Vulnerable.Happy.Myshirtslipsdown,butthisismyapartment.Ihavenothingbutchangesofclothes.“Canyouanswermyquestionfirst?”
Heshakeshishead.“Wedon’t.”Butthenadds:“It’scomplicated.”
Idon’tthinkit’scomplicated.Infact,Isuspectitmightbeverysimple.“Explainittome,please.”
“It’sasignof…Itonlyhappensbetweencertainpeople.”Myshirtiscompletelyaskew,andhetrailskissesonthejuttingboneofmyshoulder,gettinglostintheactbeforestraighteningmyneckline.Heinhalesdeeply.“Onsecondthought,I’mnotgoingtocleanyouup.I’lljustleaveyoulikethis.”Hishandsnakesaroundmywaist.Tomylowerback,whereI’mstickyandwet.“Sendaclearmessagetoanyonewhosmellsyou.Whoyoubelongto.”
“Haditeverhappenedtoyoubefore?”
He’ssmearinghiscomeintomyskinwithhisthumb,andwhyamIokaywiththis?“Before?”
“Beforeme.Knotting.Diditeverhappenwithanyoneelse?”
Hiseyesdarken.“Misery—”
“I’mjuststartingtoputthingstogether,youknow?”We’restillbuzzingfromthepleasure,andit’sunfairofmetopresshimrightnow,whenourdefensesareloweredandwe’refullofthewrongkindofhormones,but…Justbut.“Ithinkitwasthereformetoseeallalong.Butyouthrewmeoffonpurpose,didn’tyou?Therewasyourreactiontomyscentwhenwefirstmet,anditwassoextreme,Iassumedthatyoudidn’tlikeit.Howadamantyouwereaboutnothavingmearound.”Iswallow.“Iwouldhaverealizeditsooner,ifIhadn’ttakenforgrantedthatithadtobeanotherWere.ItmadesomuchsensethatGabiwouldbetheone.Intheend,though,itwasallaboutgettingtoknowyou.BecausenowthatIunderstandwhatkindofpersonyouare,Icannothelpbutwonder:IfLowewereinlovewithsomeoneelse,wouldhebelikethiswithme?AndIcan’tpictureareality,orevenadamnsimulation,inwhichthatwouldbethecase.”Iletoutashortlaugh.
Lowesaysnothing.Hestares,impenetrable.Hispale,decent,kindeyesretreatintosomethingthatoffersnoclarity.
“Ithappensbetweenmates,right?Knotting,Imean.”Biologically,itmakessenseinsomanyways.Honestly,nothingelsedoes.“It’sme,isn’tit?”Iattemptawobblysmile.It’sokay.Iknowit.Ifeelit,too.“I’myourmate.That’swhy…”
“Misery.”He’snotlookingatme,butatsomespotaroundmyfeet.AndhistoneislikeI’veneverhearditbefore:Unreadable.Empty.
“That’swhy,right?”
He’ssilentforheavyseconds.“Misery.”Myname,again,butthistimethere’saworldofhurtbehindtheword,likeI’mtorturinghim.
“I’mnot…Ifeelthesamewayyoudo,”Iaddquickly,notwantinghimtothinkthatI’maccusinghimofsomethingbeyondhiscontrol.“Ormaybenot—maybeIdon’thavethehardware.MaybeonlyanotherWerecouldfeelthesame.ButIreallydolikeyou.Morethanthat.Ihaven’tquitefigureditallout,becauseIdon’thavemuchexperiencewithfeelings.Butmaybeyouthinkthatthisfrightenstheshitoutofme,and…”Myvoiceweakens,becauseLowehasliftedhisgaze,andIcanseethewayhe’slookingatme.
Heunderstands,Ithink.HeknowsHefeelsexactlythewayIdo.
Butthenhisexpressionshutters.Andhistonecanonlybedescribedascompassionate.“I’msorryifI’veevergivenyouthewrongimpressionaboutwhatishappeningbetweenus.”
Myassurancewobbles,whenIwassecureinhisfeelingsformetillamomentago.Ishakemyhead.“Lowe,comeon.IknowGabiisn’tyourmate.”
“Sheisn’t.”Hepresseshislipstogether.“ButI’mafraidyoureachedthewrongconclusions.”
“Lowe.”
Heshakeshisheadslowly.“I’msorry,Misery.”
“Lowe,it’sfine.Youcan—”
“Weshouldstopdiscussingthisnow.”
“No.”Iletoutalaugh.“I’mright.IknowthatI’mright.”
Thereissomethingaboutthewayhestaresatme.Likeheknowshe’sabouttohurtme,andhimselfintheprocess,andthethoughtissimplyunacceptable.LikeI’mleavinghimnochoice.
“Yousaidthatamategrabsyoubythestomach,and—”
“Misery.”Hespeaksharshlythistime,likehe’sscoldingachild.“YoushouldstopfillingyourmouthwithWerewordsyoucannotunderstand.”
Mythroatfallsintomystomach.“Lowe.”
“Itwasamistake,tellingyouabouttheconceptofmates.”Hisvoiceisdetached,likehe’sreadingfromascriptandsuckingeveryemotionoutofhisperformance.“It’snotsomethinganynon-Werecanfullycomprehend,letaloneaVampyre.ButIunderstandhowappealingitmightbe,forsomeonewhostruggleswithbelonging.”
“What?”
“Misery.”Hesighsagain.“Youhavebeenabandonedandmistreatedyourentirelife.Byyourfamily,byyourpeople,byyouronlyfriend.Youarefascinatedwiththeideaofeternalloveandcompanionship,butthatjustdoesn’treflectwhatIfeelforyou.”
Myheartcracks.ThegroundbeneathmyfeetundulatesasIcometotermswiththisversionofLowe.Who,apparently,wouldtakethingsItoldhimaboutmypastandusethemagainstme.“You…”Ishakemyhead,stupefiedbyhowmuchhiswordshurt.Evenwhentheycannotbetrue.“You’rejusttryingtopushmeaway.Tellme,”Iorder,stubbornallofasudden.Ifeellikeabumblingmess.Notmyself.Everyinstinctscreamsatmetoretreat,butthisisanunacceptable,obviouslie.“Tellmethatyou’renotinlovewithme,”Ichallenge.“Thatyoudon’twanttobewithme.”
Hedoesn’tmissabeat.“I’msorry,”hesays,dispassionate,withahintofcondescension.Somepity.Sorrow.“Ithinkyou’reveryattractive.AndIenjoyspendingtimewithyou.Ienjoyed—”Hisvoicealmostbreaks.“Ienjoyedfuckingyou.AndIwishyouthebest,but….”Heshakeshishead.
Iopenmymouth,hopingforagoodcomeback,onlytofindthatIcannotbreathe.Andthentheworstofithappens:Lowewipesthebackofhishandwhere,ifIcouldcry,atearwouldstreakmycheek.
Thepainofhisrejectionisafistaroundmyheart.
“Iseethatthiswasamistake,”hecontinues.“Butit’sforthebest.Youdon’twanttobetiedtosomeonelikeme.Youshouldbefree.”Healmoststumblesonthelastword,butrecoversquickly.“Andfromnowon,youandIshouldprobablybeapart.”
“Apart?”
“Icanfindanotherplaceforyoutolive.”Hiseyesaretrainedonaspotbehindmyshoulders.“You’regettingthewrongideas,andIfranklydon’twantyouto—”
Aphonerings.
Hiseyesdartaway,annoyed,butwhenhestepsbackfromme,it’sareprieve.Istaredownatmyfeet,tuningoutthesoftconversationthatensues,tryingtobreathethroughthecrushingcoldlodgedbehindmysternum.
Iwaswrong.
Imisunderstood.
Iwasmistaken,andheisn’t—hedoesn’t
“I’llberightthere.”
Lowehangsup.Whenheaddressesme,it’swithhisusualcalm,asthoughourconversationnevertookplace.Asthoughnothingbetweenusevertookplace.
“Ineedtoleave.”Headjustshisjeans.
Inod.Withdifficulty.“Okay.I—”
“I’mgoingtohavesomeonecomepickyouupandtakeyoubackintoWereterritory.”
“It’sfine.Icanjust—”
“It’sdangerous,”heinterruptsflatly.“Sono,youcan’t.Youmaypersistinnotcaringaboutyoursafety,butI…”Hedoesn’tcontinue.Justlooksandlooksandlooksatme,andthesilencebetweenusgrowsintolerable.
“Okay.Youcanletyourselfout.I’mgoingtoshowerandgetchanged.”Iheadblindlytowardmybedroom,butbarelymanagetwofeetbeforeastronggriparoundmyfingersstopsmeinmytracks.
Idon’twanttoturntohim,butIdo.Andtremblewhenheleansintokissmyforehead.Heinhalesonce,hard.Ifeelhislipsmoveagainstmyskinintowhatfeelslikethreeshortwords,butprobablyisn’t.ForasecondIwonderifmaybeIwasrightafterall,andmyheartsoars.
Thenhepullsback,anditcollapsesonitselfonceagain.
“Go,”heorders,andIdo.I’vehadenoughofthiscareless,cruelbrandofhonestyfortonight.
Iwalkintomyroomanddon’twaitforhimtoleavebeforeIclosethedoorbehindme.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER26
Heisbeingkindertoherthantohimself,andhopesshecanneverrealizeit.
Therewasneverabedinthisapartment.Iwashappyinthecloset,andwheneverSerenastayedover,shemadedoonthecouch.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,though,IwishI’ddonetheHumanthingandboughtsomethingsofttofallon.
Asitis,Isettleforslidingtothefloorandspendingwaytoolongwithmyforeheadonmyknees,tryingtoregainmybearings.
Baby’sfirstheartbreak,Iguess.
Whateverthispitiful,soul-rendingfeelinginsidemeis,itseemstoodensetobeborne.BecauseLoweisright:I’vespentyearsbeingathomenowhere,andmybestfrienddisappearedaftertheworstargumentofourlives—yes,probablyvoluntarily,andprobablybecauseshedoesn’tgiveafuckaboutme,notnearlyasmuchasIdoabouther.I’mnostrangertopain,toloneliness,todisappointment,butthis.Thispressureinsideme,it’snotsolvable.Theweightofit,howdoesonebearit?
IfindnoanswerbypressingmyfingerstomyeyesuntilIseestars.
Myshowertakesfiveminutes.Ivaliantlytrytoscrapetherejectionandhumiliationoffmyskin,butfail.Ibarelyhavetimetofindachangeofclothesbeforethebuzzerrings,andMick’svoiceinformsmethatLoweaskedhimtocomegetme.AheartbeatlaterI’mslidingintothepassengerseatofhiscar.“Howareyou,Misery?”
“Good.”Itryforasmallsmile.“You?”
“I’vebeenbetter.”
“I’msorry.”Igivehimacursorylook.Thenanother.Maybetakingcareofsomeoneelse’sdistresswillalleviatemine.“IsthereanythingIcando?”
“No.”
IgobacktofocusingonthestreetlightsandwaitimpatientlyforMicktofinishputteringaroundandstartthecar,butIdon’tknowwhy.Ihavenoreasontobeimpatient,becauseIhavenowheretobe.Noplacetocallmine.
“HaveyoutalkedwithAnarecently?”Iask.IfLowesendsmeelsewhere,Ilikelywon’tseeheragain.IguessI’vegrownoverlyattachedtoher,too,becausemyheartsqueezeseventighter.
“No,”Micksays.“ButIthinkit’sforthebest.”
Ileanmytempleagainstthewindow.Myheadpoundswithadullkindofache.“Whyisthat?”
“It’scomplicated.”
Ihuffoutasourlaugh,andmybreathmiststheglass.ThesamefuckingwordsasLowe’s.Whatacunningwaytogetoutoftellingthetruth.“YouWeressurelovetosay—”Abugpricklesmyskin,andIswatitaway.ButwhenIturnaround,whatIfindisnotsomethingIcanmakesenseof.
Mick.
Holdingasmallsyringe.
Injectingitinmyarm.
Ilookupathisface,tryingtoparsewhatishappening.“I’msorry,Misery,”hesays.Hisvoiceissoftandhiseyesaresad,down-tiltedinawaythatmakesmybatteredchesthurtevenmore.
Why?Iask.
OrIdon’t.Theworddoesn’tmakeitout,becauseI’mtired,andmylimbsareheavy,andmyeyelidssoladenwithironthatthedarknessbehindthemfeelstoosweetto—
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER27
Thereisverylittlehewouldn’tdo,veryfewpeoplehewouldn’tkill,justtoensureherwell-being.
Whenwewereyoung,elevenormaybeeventwelve,beforeSerenamanagedtograspthedifferenceinourphysiologies,shewouldsometimesgetboredofspendingherafternoonsallalonedoinghomeworkorwatchingTV,andslinkintomyroomtoshakemeawakewhenthesunwasstilltoohighinthesky.She’dbesurprisinglyruthless,moreforcefulthanherlittlebodylookedcapableof.She’dgraspmyshoulderandwaggleithard,withtheforceofapackofrottweilerschewingtheirfavoritetoyintoaslimychunkofplastic.
That’showIknowthatshe’shere,withme.EvenbeforeIopenmyeyes.Vampyresdonotdream.Therefore,thiscommotionmustbehappeningforreal.AndthereissimplynootherbeinginTheCity,onthisEarth,whocouldbethisfucking—
“Annoying,”Isay.
Orslur.Mytongueisstillasleep,fartoocumbersomeformymouthandmadeofpapier-maché.Ishouldopenmyeyes,attheveryleastoneofthem,butIsuspectthatsomeoneembroideredmyeyelidstomycheeksandthensoakedtheminsuperglue.Uponconsideration,thebestchoicewouldbetoignoreallofthisandgobacktomynap.
“Misery.Misery?Misery.”
Igroan.“Don’t—yelling.”
“Thendon’t—goingbacktosleep,Bleetch.”
Thewordtearsmyeyesopen.I’monceagainonadamnbed,whereIonceagaindon’trememberlyingdown.Myinternalclockisshot,andIhavenocluewhetherit’sdayornight.Iinstinctivelymovemyneck—ouch—checkingforsunlightpouringin,andfind…
Nowindows.I’minawoodenattic,largeandclimate-controlled,withceiling-highshelvesfullofbooksoneverywall.Thereisaplateonthecoffeetablenearbywithleftoverpastasmearedalloverit,andasmallpileofsodacansandplasticwaterbottles.
Itakeanachybreath,feelingthedrugsfadeatasnail’space.It’snotday,notyet.Notevenclosetosunrise.Imusthavebeenoutanhour,twotops,whichmeansthatMickdidn’tcarrymethatfar.Mick—Mick,whatthefuck,Mick?—musthavedecidedtostashmewith—
Serena.
I’mwithSerena
“Holyshit,”Imumble,tryingtositupstraighter.Ittakestwoattemptsandsubstantivehelpfromhertomanageastillmostlyproneposition.“Holyshit.”
“Why,hello.Howlovelyofmyoldestandmosttreasuredfriendtojoinmeinmyhumbleabode.”
“I’myouronlyfriend,”Icoughout,wonderingwhethermybrainismakingshitup.Vampyresdonotdream,buttheydohallucinate.
“Correct.Andrude.”
“I…”Ismackmylips.Thisdry-mouthsituationneedstobeaddressed.IsthiswhyHumansandWeresdrinkwaterallthetime?“Whatthefuck?”
“Didtheyknockyouout?Icouldn’tfindabumponyourhead.”
“Druggedme.Mickdid.”
“MickbeingtheolderWerewhodepositedyourlifelessbodyherelikeasackofpotatoesandbroughtmeSpaghettiOs?”
“Notlifeless.”
“ThethingaboutVampyresis,youtendtolookprettylifeless.”
“Shit—Serena,youknowhowlongI’vebeenlookingforyou?”
Hersmileiscommiserating.“No.ButifImayhazardaguess,Iwouldsay…”Shetapsherchinseveraltimes.“Threemonths,twoweeks,andfourdays?”
“How—?”
Shepointsbehindher.She’sbeencarvinglinesonthesideofthebookshelf,tallyingtimeingroupsoffivedays.
“Shit,”Iwhisper.Therearesomany.ThephysicalmanifestationofhowlongSerenahasbeengoneand—
Withoutthinking,Ihalfroll,halfpushoffthebedtohugherclose.Icanbarelyholdmyarmsup,anditcannotbeagoodexperienceforher,butshevaliantlysqueezesmeback.“Didyoujustinitiatephysicaltouch?Whatishappening?DidyoustarttherapywhileIwasgone?”
“Imissedyou,”Isayintoherhair.“Ididn’tknowwhereyouwere.Ilookedforyoueverywhere,and—”
“Iwashere.”Shepatsmyback.Squeezesmeharder.
“Wherethefuckishere?”Ipullbacktostudyher.She’swearingapairoftoo-largejeansandalong-sleevedshirtI’veneverseenonher.She’ssoftandcurvyasalways,butthelasttimeIsawhershehadbangsandabobthatmadeitjustpastherchin,andherhairhasnowgrownintoacompletelydifferentcut.“Youlookgood.”
Hereyebrowlifts.“That’saweirdthingtosayinthelet’s-exchange-vital-infostageofajointabduction.”
“Itwasadamncompliment!”
“Fine.Thanks.Iwasalwaysveryself-consciousofmyforehead,asyouknow,butmaybeunnecessarily?MaybeI’llsparemyselfthewholemonthlytrim—”
“Okay,nowshutup.Wherearewe?”
Sherollshereyes.“Ihavenoclue.Andbelieveme,I’vetriedtofigureitout,buttherearenoopeningsandtheplaceisreallywellacousticallyinsulated.Theremustbeatleastfourorfivestoriesunderneathus,justbasedonlisteningtothepipesinthebathroom.Theguardswhofeedmeareverycarefulnottoshowthemselvesorcomenearenoughformetoguesstheirspecies,butnowthatyourfriendMickisinthepicture,I’dguesswe’reinWereterritory.Thatdoesn’tnarrowitdownbymuch,though.”
Emery.Shehastobepartofthis.AndMickmusthavebeenhelpingherallalong.HewasoneofRoscoe’sseconds,afterall.
Ipinchmyforehead.“WhydidyougetyourselfinvolvedwiththeWeres?”
“Excellentquestion!Wouldyoulikethelongortheshortanswer?I’vehadplentyoftimetoworkshopbothversionsinthelastmonths.”
“Didtheyhurtyou?Aretheytorturingyou,orinterrogatingyou,or—”
Sheshakesherhead.“Theytreatmewell,ifyoudiscounttheperpetualinfringementofmyHumanrights.Butthey’veneverbroughtmeoutofthisroom,andI’vetried.I’vepretendedtobesick,I’vegottenaggressive—nodice.Theguardsareassholesofunspeakableproportionsandrefusetotalktome.”
“Howdidtheytakeyou?”
“ThelastthingIrememberwaswalkingdownthesidewalkonmywaytoyourapartmentfromwork—thenbam,Iwashere.”
Iglancearoundtheattic.“Whatdoyouevendoallthetime?”
“I’vebeencatchinguponsleep.Reviewingmylifechoices.Stewinginregret.Mostly,Iread.”Shegesturesattheshelves.“Buttheselectionhereislimitedtotheclassics.I’veread,like,threeDickensnovels.”
“Appalling.”
“TheCatcherintheRye,too.”
“God.”
“AndanentiremysteryseriesIdon’tevenlike.”Sheshrugs.“Now,wouldyouliketohearmytheoryonwhysomeoneevenbotheredtokidnaplittleoldme,soyoucansayItoldyouso,orsomething?”
Irritationfuelsmeenoughtofinallysitupstraight.“No,becauseIdidn’ttellyouso.”
“Oh.”Shenods,bemused.“Well,thisisapleasantsurpr—”
“Icouldn’ttellyouso,becauseyouhidthestoryyouwereworkingonandtheshityouweredoingfromme.”
Shefrowns.“Okay.Well,atleastletmeexplain—”
“Ialreadyknow.”
“Whateveryou’rethinking,that’snotit.Iwasactually—”
“YouwerelookingintotheWeres,orThomasJalakas,orfinancialcrimesorsomething.YoufoundoutthatLilianaMorelandisaHuman-Werehybrid,possiblyoneofakind,andthengotkidnappedforyourefforts.”
Serenarecoils.“Howdoyou…?”
“Yourcatwas…Therewasthatbutterflyalphabetthingonyourplanner,and…”Imassagemytemple.“JusttrustmewhenIsaythatIknow,frankly,waymorethanIeverwantedaboutanything.Lowesaidthat—”
“Who’sLowe?”
Myheartpangs.Iswatthememoryandthepainawayinonebigswipe.“TheWereAlpha.Myhusband.”
“Youknowwhat,itdoesn’tmatter.Tellmehowthey—”Shestopsabruptly.Doesadoubletake.Blinksatmemultipletimes.“Didyoujustsay…?”
Isigh.“Yeah.”
“Misery.”
“Iknow.”
“Seriously.”
“Iknow.”
“I’mgoneforthreemonths,andafteralifetimeofhavingliterallynonews,nowyouaremarriedtoaWereAlpha?”
“Yes.”
“OhmyGod.”
“Technically,it’syourfault.”
“Excuseme?”
“YouthinkIgotmarriedbecauseIfoundsweetWereloveonadatingapp?Iwaslookingforyou.Theentiretimeyouweregone.InwhateverwayIcould.That’showIendedupmarriedtothebrotheroftheveryyoung,veryinnocenthalf-Weregirlyouwerewillingtoexploit,andnowwe’rehere,andI’dbetmyentirecollectionofhackingtoolsthatit’sEmerywhotookus,andthatMickhasbeenworkingwithherbehindLowe’sbackthewholetime—Ibet…Youknowwhat?IbetEmeryknowsthatAnaisahybrid,andwantstomakesurethatAnacanneverserveasasymbolofunitybetweentheWeresandtheHumans,andthewayyouweresnoopingaroundputyouonEmery’sradar,andSerena,itwassofuckinghardformetofindyou.”Itallcomesoutsoquickly,Ibarelyhavetimetokeepmytoneincheck.ButIregretitinstantlywhenSerena’shandcomesuptopressagainstherchappedlips.Hernailsarebittentothequick—ahabitshegrewoutofyearsago.
“It’sjust…”Sheswallows.“Iwasn’tsure.”
“Sureofwhat?”
“Thatyou’dbelooking.Wehadthatfight,and…”Hervoicebreaksalittle.“IkindofsaidthingsIdidn’tmean,andIfiguredthatmaybeyouweredonewithme.”
Istareather,momentarilyspeechless.Maybethelarderbeetleshaveeatenherbrain?“Dude.Ididn’tknowthatwasanoption.”
Sheletsoutasmalllaugh,alittleshakierthanherusual.“IjusthadalotoftimeinheretothinkaboutwhatIsaid.”
Inod.Pokemytonguearoundmyverydry,verysourmouth.“Ihadlotsoftimeoutthere,too.”
Weregardeachother.Ifwewerebetterpeople,lessscrewedup,we’dprobablybeabletosaysomethinglikeIloveyou,orSogladtobetogetheragain,oraslightlymoremacabreThankfuckyou’renotdead.Butwebothstaysilent,becausethat’swhatwedo.
Webothknowtheunsaid,becausethat’swhoweare.
Serenaclearsherthroatfirst.“Shallweconsiderthematterarchivedforthemoment?”sheasks.“Wecanclipeachother’snailswhenwe’reoutofhere,orsomething.”
“Excellentsuggestion.Let’sfocusonwhattodo.”
Shetakesafortifyingbreath.“I’veactuallybeenworkingonaplan.”
“Let’shearit.”
“Itinvolvesstayinghere.Buildingalife.Growingold.Developingcataracts.”
Ismile.“Youalwayshadtheworstfuckingplans.”
Shelaughs.AndIlaugh.Andthenwelaughsomemore,untilthewholethingsoundslesslikelaughterandmorelikeslighthysteria,andGod,Imissedthis
“Anotherplan,”shesays,wipinghereyesandloweringhervoice,“thatI’vehatchedinthepastthreeminutes,istoluretheguardatthedoor,anduseyourVampymagictothrallthemintolettingusgo.”
Iscowl.“YouknowIcan’tdothatwithouttouchingpeople.”
“Misery.Babe.”
“What?”
“Idoubtthere’sanotherway.”
“Wecouldfight.There’stwoofus,andweknowself-defense—”
“Theywon’tcomeinside.Everythingishandedtomethroughthatopening.”Shepointsatthesquarepanelinthedoor.“Butnowthatyou’rehere,wemightbeabletotrickthem.Icoulddistracttheguardlongenoughforyoutogetahookinhim.”
Ishakemyhead.FullyawarethatI’mnotsayingno.“Thiscouldgosobadly.”
“Theywouldn’ttakeitoutonyou,”shepointsout.“You’rethedaughterofaVampyrecouncilmanandIguessthewifeofaWereAlpha?”Shepincheshernose.“Unlikeme,you’reavaluablehostagetouseinnegotiations,andthisEmerypersonmustknowthat.Ifanything,they’dtakeitoutonme,whichis—”
“Alsounacceptable.”
Shebitestheinsideofhercheek.“Ireallywouldlovetogetoutofhere.SpendmoretimewithSylvester.”
“Sylvester?”
“Mycat.”
“Ah.”Iglanceawayguiltily.“Aboutthat.”
“IsweartoGod,ifyoutellmethatyouletmycatstarveorchoketodeathonmyyarnorgeteatenbyaraccoon—”
“Ididnot,eventhoughhe’ddeserveit.However,hisnameisnowSparkles.Andhe’sgrownveryattachedtoLilianaMoreland,orviceversa.”Iignoreherwitheringlook.“There’snothingbutcatsintheworld,andSparklesismediocreamongthem,soI’llgetyouanotheroneifweever—”
Aknockatthedoor,andwebothstartle.
“Yeah?”Serenacalls.Shepushesmeoutofsight,evenwhenthedoorandthefoodslotstayclosed.
“Ihavea…bagofblood.FortheVampyre.”
“Who’sthat?”Iwhisper.
“Bob.”
Itiltmyhead.“WhothehellisBob?”
“It’sanameImadeupfortheguards.They’reallBob.”Andthen,louder.“Misery’snotfeelingwell,”sheyells.Whichistrue—Ifeelliketotalshit.“Ithinkthedrugsmightbeabouttokillherorsomething!”
Whatthehell?Imouth.IcannotdealwithaSerenaplanrightnow.
“Well,that’sabovemypaygrade.Ican’tdoanythingforaleech,anyway—”
“SheisVampyreroyalty.Whoeveryourbossis,doyouthinkthey’llbepleasedwithyouifshediesunderyourwatch?”
ThereareacoupleofmutteredcursesIcanbarelymakeout.Thentheslotopens.“What’sgoingon?”
IlookatSerena,stumped.Allshedoesisgesturevaguelyatme,probablytryingtotelepathicallytransmitherplan.Iscrunchmyfaceintoaraisin,hopingtocringemyselfoutofthisworld.Whenthatdoesn’twork,Ireluctantlymakemywaytothedoor.
Theopeningisatheadheight,butbecauseofthewaytheatticisbuilt,Bob’sviewoftheinsideislimited.“Thereissomethingwrong.Withmy…eye,”Itellhimoncewe’reface-to-face.He’saWere,andlooksyoungerthanIexpected.Tooyoungtobedoingthisshit,justlikeMax.
Fuckyou,Emery,andfuckyou,Mick.
Hemutterssomethingaboutleecheswhiningandasks,“What’swrong?”
“This.”Isniffleandmakeanassortmentofdramaticnoises.Onmyright,hiddenfromBob’seyes,Serenagivesmethethumbs-up.Themostuselessenablerintheworld.“Yousee?”
“Ican’tseeanything.”Heleansforwardalittle,buthe’ssmartenoughnottotilthisheadintothedoor.Pity,asI’dhavelovedtopunchhim.Thenagain,thatwouldleavemesatisfied,butstilllockedinhere.“It’sjustaregularpurpleeye.WhatamIsupposedtonotice?”
“Itmustbeareactiontothedrugs.Youhavetotellaphysician,”Isay.Maybetooflatly,becauseSerenaismimingsomethingthatcanonlymeanUpthehistrionics.“Icoulddie.”
“Dieofwhat?”
“Ofthis,yousee?”Ipointundermyrighteye,andhefocusesonit,tryingtofindsomeabominationwithin.Whenmyintraocularmusclesstarttwitchingtoinitiatethethrall,IputeverythingIcanintothemovement,hopingtogetaquickhook.
Foramoment,itdoeswork.Ianchormyselfjustbelowthesurface,Bob’sconfusionobviousinhisslackmouthandemptyeyes.Ihavehim,Ithink.Ihavehim,Ihavehim,Ihavehim.
Thenhefrownsandpullsback,andIrealizethatIfailed.
Abysmally.
“Didyou…”Heblinksatme,twice,andtherealizationdawnsonhim.“Didyoujusttrytothrallme?Youfuckingleech!”
Heisfurious—sofurious,hethrustshishandthroughtheopeningandcomesformythroat.Andthat’swhenSerenaremindsmeofsomething.
Howfuckingbadassshe’salwaysbeen.
MovingfasterthanIthoughtpossibleforaHuman,shesnatchesBob’swrist,bendingitatanunnaturalangle.Bobyelpsandimmediatelytriestopullback,butmyhalf-assedthrallmusthaveaffectedhimsomehow,becausedespitehisWerestrength,heseemstooweaktoescapeSerena’sgrip.
“Openthedoor,”Serenaorders.
“Fuckno.”
Shebendsthewristfarther.Bobsqueals.
“OpenthedoororI’lldothis—”Shesnapshisthumb.Ihearitpopoutofitssocket,andit’sdisgusting.“—toallyourfingers.”
Ittakestwomore,butBobunlocksthedoor.DespitehisWerestrength,it’sclearthathe’snotatrainedfighter,andittakesuslittleefforttoswitchplaceswithhim.We’rebothwindedandalittlebruised,butoncehe’sboltedinside,IturntoSerenatomakesurethatshe’sokay,andfindherslappingherhandtohermouthandjumpinginplace.
Maybeshe’sbadass,butshe’salsoincrediblydorky.Myheartskipsabeatathowrelieved—howfuckingrelievedandhappyIam.Sheishere.Sheisfine.Sheisbeingunashamedlyherself,evenafterIspentsolongwithouther.
“ToldyouIcouldn’tdoitwithoutcontact,”Isay.Bobscreamsatustolethimout,andSerenagivesthesecuritydooraguiltylook.
“Seriously?”
“Ontheonehand,he’sadick.Ontheother,hedidsneakmeextravanillapuddingonce.”
“Icannotwaittoheareverythingaboutthisretirementhomelifeofyours.”
Shewinces.“Let’sgo.Idon’tthinkhehadaphonewithhim,butImighthavemissedit.”
Weruntotheendofthehallway,onlytofindanotherlockeddoor.“Thisonelooksprettylight.Ifweboththrowourweightatit,weshouldbeabletobreakthrough.Atmythree,okay?”
Serenagivesmeapuzzledlook.Thentakesastepforward,grabsthehandle,andturnsit.
Thedooropens.
“Howdidyouknow—?”
“Ididn’t.Ididthisthing—it’scalledchecking.Youshouldtryitsometime.”
Iclearmythroatandbrushpastheronmywayout,mychestsqueezingathowmuchI’vemissedher.
“Notthatwatchingyouhammeringyourwaythroughthewholethingwouldn’thavebeenpeakentertainment,but…”Shefallssilentandstopsinhertracks.AndsodoI.We’rebothstunnedintoimmobility,because…
IhaditrightwhenIsaidSerena’scellwasinanattic,butthebuildingismuchtallerthanwe’dexpected.Thereareatleasttwentyfloorsunderneathus.Thisisahigh-rise,onethat’sveryfamiliar.
BecauseIgrewupinit.
“IsthistheNest?”Serenamurmurs.She’sbeenhereonlyonce,buttheplaceistoodistinctivetoforget.
Inodslowly.WhenIlookbehindme,Iseethatthedoorwejustexitedispaintedthesamecolorasthewall.Nearperfectcamouflage.“Idon’tgetit.”
“BobwasaWere,right?Ididn’tgetitwrong,didI?”
Ishakemyhead.Bob’sbloodpumpedmuchfasterthanaHuman’s,andhedefinitelywasn’taVampyre.
“SowehadWereguards,andtheMickguybroughtyouhere,butwe’reinVampyreterritory.How?”
“Idon’tknow.”
Serenashakesherself.“Wecanfigureitoutlater.Weneedtogetthehelloutofherebeforesomeonecatchesus.”
Inodandstartdownthestairs.Abouthalfwaythroughthefirstflight,Serenatakesmyhand.Whenwereachtheend,Ilacemyfingerswithhers.Ihavenocluewhat’sgoingon,butSerenaishere,andeverythingwillbeallrightif—
“Stop,”avoicesaysfrombehindus.Averymemorableone.
Fearcreepsupthebackofmyneck.IspinonmyheelstofindVaniasmilingatme.
“I’mgoingtoneedyoutocomewithme.Onelasttime,Misery.”
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER28
Hedidn’tthinkhecouldlovehermore,butsheisaconstantsurprise.
SerenaandIarefairlywell-trainedinself-defense,butVaniaismyfather’smostskilledenforcer.She’sholdingnotone,buttwoknives,andisflankedbytwoguards—thesamewhoescortedmeintoVampyreterritoryallthoseweeksago.Attemptingtotakethemwouldbeseverelyidiotic,andSerenaandIarenotquitethatbad.Sowemarchinfrontofher,handsraisedoverourheads,andfollowherdirections.Awarethatshouldoneofusdecidetorun,theotherwouldendupwithaknifeinherback.
Let’sbereal:Serenawouldendupwithaknifeinherback.Iwouldprobablyjustgetdraggedbytheearinfrontofmyfather.
Becausewe’reattheNest.AndVaniaanswerstohimandnooneelse.
“Iftheymurderme,avengeme,”Serenawhispers.
It’snice,allthisfaithsheseemstohaveinme.“Anypreferencesonhow?”
“Becreative.”
Fatheriswaitinginhisoffice,onceagainsittinginthehigh-backleatherchairbehindhismassivewoodendesk,surroundedbyfourmoreguards.Hissmiledoesn’treachhiseyes,andhedoesn’tstand,nordoesheofferusaseat.Insteadheleanshiselbowsonthedarkmahoganyandjoinshisfingertipsinfrontofhisface,waitingformetosaysomething.
SoIdon’t.
I’mhurt,betrayed,shockedatmyfather’sinvolvementinsomethingthisegregious,butI’malso…not.Nopointinbeingsurprisedbyanotoriouslyruthless,selfishassassinwhentheystickaknifeinyourback—eveniftheyarearelative.It’satotallydifferentstorywhenthestabbingisdonebysomeoneyouconsidertobeakind,decentperson.Someoneyouconsiderafriend
MygazelandsonMick,whostandsbyFather’sdesklikeoneofhisenforcerswould.ItlingersforaslongasittakesforMicktolowerhisowneyes.Helooksashamed,andI’mokaywiththat.
“Why?”Iaskhimflatly.Whenhesaysnothing,Iadd,“Itwasyou,wasn’tit?”
Thegroovesatthesidesofhismouthdeepen.
“IsEmeryeveninonthis?OrdidyoujusttalkeveryonearoundyouintobelievingthatshewastargetingAnabecausetheLoyalswereaconvenientscapegoat?”
Helooksawayinwhatcanonlybeconfirmation,andmyfistscurlwithfearandanger.You’redespicable,Iwanttosay,Ihateyou.Butheseemstobealreadyfilledwithself-disgust.
“Why?”Iaskagain.
“Hehasmyson,”hewhispers,lookingatFather.Whohastheself-satisfiedexpressionofsomeonewhocheckmatedeveryoneinthegame.
“ThenyoushouldhavetoldLowe.”
Mickshakeshishead.“Lowecouldn’t—”
“Lowewouldhavedoneanythingforyou,”Ihiss,nauseouswithrage.“Lowewoulddiehimselfbeforeheletanythinghappentoapackmember.You’veknownhimsincehewasachild—he’syourAlpha,andyetyoudon’tunderstandhimatall.”Angerbubbles.Ican’trememberthelasttimeIspokethisharshlytosomeone.“Thepoison,itwasyou,wasn’tit?DidyoualsosendMaxafterAna?”
“Misery,”Fatherinterrupts.“Youareanever-endingsourceofdisappointment.”
Myheadwhipsinhisdirection.“Yeah?Sinceyou’vebeentakingpeoplehostageandblackmailingthem,Icouldsaythesame,butthebarwasalreadysofuckinglow.”
Hiseyesharden.“Thisiswhatyoumiss,Misery.Whyyoucouldneverbecomealeader.”
Isnort.“BecauseIdon’tgoaroundkidnappingpeople.”
“Becauseyouhavealwaysbeenselfishandclose-minded.Stubbornlyunabletounderstandthattheendsjustifythemeans,andthatthingslikefairnessandpeaceandhappinessarebiggerthanonespecificperson—orthanahandfulofthem.Thegoodofthemost,Misery.”Hisshouldersriseandfall.“WhenyouandyourbrotherwerelittleandtheneedforaCollateralarose,Ihadtodecidewhichoneofyouwouldhavethegrittotakemyplaceonthecouncil.AndI’mgladIchoseOwenoveryou.”
Irollmyeyes.There’sagoodchanceIwon’tbealivewhenOwen’scoupgoesdown,butboy,doIwishIcouldwitnessFathershittinghimself.
“WhydoyouthinkVampyresstillholdpower,Misery?Allovertheworld,ourcommunitieshavebeensplintering.Manyofthemdon’tholdtheirownterritories,andareforcedtoliveamongtheHumans.Andyet,despiteourdwindlingnumbers,hereinNorthAmericawestillhaveourhome.Whydoyouthinkthatis?”
“Becauseyousoselflesslykilleveryonewhostandsinyourway?”
“LikeIsaid:asourceofdisappointment.”
“Becauseofyourstrategicallianceswithinthisgeographicalregion,”Serenaanswersevenlyinmyplace.Everyoneturnstoherinsurprise,asthoughherpresencewasaforgottenthing.
Notbymyfather,though.“MissParis.”Henodscourteously.“Youare,ofcourse,correct.”
“Inthepasthundredyears,HumansandWereshavealternatedbetweenignoringeachotherandbeingonthebrinkofwarbecauseofborderdisputes.TheybothhaveadvantagesoverVampyres,physicalandnumerical,butthey’veneverevenconsideredleveragingthem.BecausetheVampyreshavesomehowmanaged…well,notsomehow,”Serenaexplains,atraceofthatbitternessinhertone.“ThroughtheCollateralsystem,youcultivatedaverybeneficialpoliticalalliancewiththeHumans.AndtheWeresknewthis,justliketheyknewthatanyovertattackonVampyreterritorywouldunleashHumanmilitarypoweronthem.That’showyoukeptyourselvessafethroughthedecades,despitebeingthemostvulnerableofthethreespecies.”
“Verythorough.”Fathernods,satisfied.
“Iimaginethere’smore.Forinstance,I’mcertainthatifweweretolookcloselyattheborderskirmishesbetweenWeresandHumansinthepastfewdecades,we’dfindthattheywerefacilitatedbyVampyreaction.JustlikeI’mcertainthatconsiderablebribeswereinvolved.GovernorDavenportisundoubtedlynotaboveacceptingthem.”
Fatherdoesn’tdenyit.“Iseetheweeksyouspentreadingimprovedyourreasoningskills,MissParis.”
Herchinlifts.“Myreasoningskillshavealwaysbeenonpoint,fuckwaffle.”
MustbethefirsttimeFatherhasbeencalledthat.It’stheonlyexplanationforthemildlyoutraged,mostlybaffledhesitationthatfillstheroom:nooneknowshowtorespondtoanovertinsult,becauseunlikesubtlejabsandassassinationattempts,inFather’sworldtheyarenotathing.Eventually,afterseveralawkwardseconds,VaniastepsforwardandraisesherhandtohitSerena.
Ianglemyselfbetweenthetwoofthem,whichinturnhasSerenawantingtoprotectme.ButFatherputsastoptothatbyordering,“Letthembe.Wewantthembothintact,fornow.”
VaniaglaresatSerena.AtaflickofFather’swrist,twooftheguardscometostandnexttous.Theimpliedthreatiscrystalclear.
“Icouldhavekilledyourfriend,Misery.Somanytimes.YouknowwhyIdidn’t?”heasksme.
“Tosparemyfeelings?”Ianswer,skeptical.
“Thatwasanicebonus,Iagree.Becausenomatterwhatyoumaythink,Idonotenjoyhurtingyou,ortakingthingsawayfromyou.Iwasnothappytosendmychildoff,althoughIdoubtyou’lleverbelievethat.Butultimately,no,thatwasnotthereason.IcanonlyassumethatMissParisneglectedtotellyouwhyIwasforcedtotakeher,then.”
“Shedidn’thavetotellmeshit.Ialreadyknowwhathappened.”ButwhenIglanceatSerena,hereyesdartaway.Andthat’swhenmystomachtightens.“Shewasworkingonanarticle,”Iadd,eventhoughshewon’treturnmylook.“Andfoundoutsomethingsheshouldn’thave.”
“Soyoureallyhavenoidea.”Thatcomplacent,self-congratulatorysmirk,IwanttopunchitoffFather’sface.“Letmeenlightenyou:severalyearsago,mydearfriendGovernorDavenporttoldmesomethinghethoughtImightbeinterestedin.”
“Ofcoursethegovernorisinonit,”Isneer.
“Oh,yougivehimtoomuchcredit.”Fatherwaveshishand.“Heisinonit…sometimes.Overtheyears,I’vegottenwellacquaintedwithhismind.Thrallinghim,plantinghooksinhisbrain,hasbecomeeasierandeasier.Practicallytraceless.He’sbeengivingmemuchusefulinformation,someofparticularintrigue.Forinstance,whenhetoldmeaboutayoungchildwhohadbeenbornofWereandHumanparents.”
Ana.Ofcourse.Thegovernormusthavefoundout,perhapsfromThomas,ormaybefrom…IturntoMickagain.“Didyoutellthegovernor?”
“Oh,no,”Fatherinterrupts.“Youaremistaken,Misery.Mickwasn’tpartofthisuntilveryrecently,anditwasIwhosoughthimout.Iwilltakecreditwhereit’sdue,evenifyou’llaccusemeofbeingaheartlessmonster.ItwasmyideatousehissononcewerealizedthattheboywehadtakenduringaraidhadtiestoaprominentWere.Itwaseasyenoughformetothrallhim.HeevenhelpedwithguardingMissParis.”
“Whatathingtobragabout,Father.”
“Indeed.Butitwasquiteawhileagothatthegovernortoldmeaboutthehalf-Were,half-Humanchild.Overtwodecades,infact.”
Istiffen.Awaveofdreadsweepsoverme.
“Therehadbeenstoriesbefore.Rumorsofreproductivecompatibility.Ifthere’ssomethingHumansaregoodfor,it’sbreeding.”Fatherstands,lipscurledinmilddisgust,andleisurelystepsaroundhisdesk.“Butthestoriescamefromothercountries,andtherewasneveranyproof.Here,Weresareinsular,andHumansarecowards.LikeMissParissaid,theysimplydon’tinteractenough.Butthischildwasveryyoung.Theywerenotbeingraisedbytheirbiologicalparentsforseveralreasons.Theydidn’tknowabouttheiroriginsortheirquestionablegeneticmakeup,buttheyappearedtohavetakenaftertheirfather.TheypresentedasHuman,fully,whichImustadmit,madethemlessinterestingtome—theimplicationoftheirexistencewasmuchlessconcerning.Andyet,theoccurrencewasunique,andIdecidedtomonitorthesituation.Itfeltlikethewisethingtodo.”Heleansagainsthisdesk,drumminghisfingersalongthewoodenedge.Somethingclosetoterrorisbeginningtostufftheinsideofmythroat.“WherecouldaVampyrestowahalf-WerechildwhopresentedasHuman?Humanterritoryappearedtobethebestoption.Buthow?Itseemedlikeanimpossiblepredicament.Andthat’swhereIrememberedthatI,myself,hadachildstashedawayinHumanterritory.Andthatshemightenjoysomecompanionship.”
Myheartthumpsloudlyagainsttheconfinesofmyribcage.ItearmyeyesfromFather’sandslowlyturntomyright.IfindSerenaalreadylookingatme.Hereyesarewellingwithtears.
“Didyouknow?”Iask.
Shedoesn’tanswer.Thetears,though,startfalling.
“Shedidnot.”It’sFatherwhoresponds,eventhoughI’mrapidlylosinginterestinwhathehastosay.“Iwouldknowotherwise.LikeIsaid,Imonitoredherforyears.EvenwhenyourtenureastheCollateralended,nothingthatshedidsetoffanyalarms.Infact,sheseemedtohavenointerestinWeresatall.Didyou,MissParis?”HesmilesatSerena,andthehatredinherglarecouldburnhimasviciouslyasthesunlight.Heignoresherandturnstome.“Shewasallaboutfinancialjournalism,orsomethingorother.Imustsay,ourvigilancelapsedforafewyears.Thegirlhadgrownintoapromising,ifveryHuman,youngwoman.Sometimesshe’ddisappearforafewdayswithoutwarning,butthat’stheyouths.Carefree.Adventurous.Ineversuspectedthatitmighthavesomethingtodowithhergenes.Until…”
“Idespiseyou,”Serenahisses.
“Iwouldexpectnoless.Human-Werehybridthatyouare,youarewellpredisposedto,andIdonotblameyou.ButthesloppywayyouwentaboutitwhenyourWerehalfbeganemergingandyoudecidedtoresearchyourparents,thatcertainlyisyourfault.Youwentaroundaskingquestions,stuckyournoseintoeverynookandcrannyoftheHuman-WereBureau.Youmadeitoutrageouslyclearthatsomethingwaschanginginyou,andthatyouwerelookingforguidance.”Histoneisscolding.MorethananythingFatherhaseversaidtome,itmakesmewanttopunchhim.“Inhindsight,itallmadesense.Thefactthatmostofyourtripsanddisappearancesweretimedwiththefullmoon.Youneededtobeoutside,didn’tyou?Theurgetobeinnaturebecamesoirresistiblystrong,you—”
“Youknownothing,”Serenaspitsout.
“ButIdo,MissParis.Iknowyourbloodworkwasallovertheplace.Iknowyoursensesbecamealmostunbearablyacute,soacutethattheyexceededyourHumandoctor’sabilitytomeasurethem.Iknowthatyouunderwentgenetictestingandtheresultscamebackasthoughthesamplewascontaminated—threetimes.Iknowthateveryfullmoonyoufeltlikeyouneededtocrawloutofyourskin,andthatonedayyoucutthroughthefleshofyourforearm,justtoseeifyourbloodhadturnedgreenovernight.Youwerethatfargone,suspectingthatsomethinginsideyouwasvery,verydifferent.”
Serena’sjawclenches.“Howdoyoueven—”
“SomeofitIdiscoveredoncewestartedsurveillingyouassiduously.Mostofit,youtoldme.”
“No.Iwouldnever.”
“Butyoudid.WhenIthralledyou,onthefirstdayyougothere.”
Serena’smouthdropsopen,andtheweightatthebottomofmystomachsinksheavier.
“Imadesureyouwouldn’tremember.YoumayhavebeenthralledbeforebyMisery,butlikeeverythingelseaboutherculture,mydaughterwasneverproperlytaught.”HeappearsamusedbySerena’shorrifiedexpression.“Andyouknowwhatelseyoutoldme?Youwere,tragically,unabletofindoutwhoyourownparentswere,andtoascertainwhetheroneofthemwasaWere.However,onceyoustarteddiggingandusingyourconsiderableinvestigativeskills,youheardaboutThomasJalakas.
“Thomaswasaninterestingman.He’dbeenworkingfortheBureausomeyearsearlier,hadstruckuparelationshipwithoneofRoscoe’sseconds,and…Ibelieveweallknowhowthestorygoes.Ormaybeyoudon’t,Misery.”Hiseyeslaserontomine.“TheWerewomanbecamepregnant.Thomas,understandably,didn’tbelieveherwhenshetoldhimthatthechildwashis.Therelationshipended,andcareerpoliticianthathewas,Idoubthethoughtabouthisformerlovermuchinthefollowingyears.Instead,hesteadilyrosethroughtheranks.Then,aboutayearago,hewentbacktotheHuman-WereBureau,thistimeasdirector.Thesecurityclearancethatcamewithitgavehimaccesstoseveralintelligencereports,andhegrewcuriousaboutthefateofhisformerparamour.Hesearchedforhername,andcameacrossaveryinterestingpicture.”
ThemostinfinitesimalmovementofFather’sfinger,andoneoftheguardsactivatesthemonitoronhisdesk.Sheswipesthetouchscreenafewtimes,thenturnsitinmydirection.
IrecognizeMariaMorelandfromthepictureinLowe’sroom.AndAna,who’sholdingherhand,fromsomeofthebestmomentsinthelastmonthofmylife.Theyaresittingonthelakeshore,feetsubmergedinthewater.It’sacandidphototakenfromadistance,similartosomethingtheHumanpaparazzowouldproduce.“Thechildpiquedhisinterest.EarliertonightyouconfrontedArthurDavenport,soIassumeyoualreadyknowhowmuchthechildresemblesherbiologicalfather.Thomasnowhadverystrongsuspicionsthathybridswerepossible.SohedecidedtobringtheknowledgetoGovernorDavenport.”
“AndthegovernorhadAna’sfatherkilled,”Iconclude.
“Ana?Ah,LilianaMoreland.Asamatteroffact,hedidnot.Buthedidrecognizethattheallegationscouldproveverydangerous.Hissolution,admittedlyapoorone,wastoremoveThomasfromhispositionastheheadoftheBureauandgivehimafarmoreprestigiousone.Thomasshouldhavebeenpleased.Instead,hebecameobsessedwithfindingoutmoreabouthisdaughter.Hebroughtattentiontohimself,andseveralmonthslater,wordreachedMissParisthatsomeoneelsehadbeenaskingtheverysamequestionsshehadbeen.Whentheysetupameeting,IfinallyknewIhadtointervene.
“So,no,Misery.Itwasn’tthegovernorwhoeliminatedThomasJalakas.Oritwas,butonlyinthesensethatIthralledhimtothinkthatifhedidn’t,hisembezzlementpeccadilloswouldbeunearthed.JustlikeEmeryandtheLoyalswereaconvenientcandidateforLowe’ssuspicionswhenwewereforcedtoattempttotakeLiliana.Mickwasveryhelpfulwiththat.”
“Youweren’tforcedtotakeAna,orSerena.Youchosetodoit.”
Hesighs,aseverletdownbyme.“Sometimes,webecomemorethanwhoweare.Sometimes,webecomesymbols.Andthat’ssomethingyoushouldbewellawareof,Misery.Afterall,youspentmostofyourlifeasasymbolofpeace.”
“Ifanything,IsymbolizedtheutterlackoftrustbetweenHumansandVampyres,”Iretort.
“PeoplelikeMissParishere,andLilianaMoreland,”hegoesonasifIneverspoke,“aredangerous.Allthemoreiftheysharethetraitsandtalentsofboththeirspecies.Fornow,neitherofthemisabletoshift.Buttheymightstilltranscendthemselvesandbecomeimportant,powerfulsymbolsofunitybetweentwopeopleswhohavebeensenselesslyatoddsforcenturies.”
“Andthatwouldleaveyoudefenselessintheregion,anddrasticallyreduceyourinfluence,”Serenamurmurs,icycold.Iwonderhowshecanbesocalm.PerhapsI’mfeelingbothourangers.“MaddieGarciawontheHumanelections,didn’tshe?Sheknowssheholdsallthepower,andshe’srefusingtomeetwithyoubecauseofthewayyou’vebeenpuppeteeringGovernorDavenportfordecades.”
“MissParis,Iwishsomeofyourpoliticalacumenhadrubbedoff.MaybemydaughterwouldstoplookingatmeasthoughIamavillainforactingintheinterestofmypeople.”
“Oh,fuckoff.”Iglancearoundathisenforcers,hopingatleastoneofthemisseeingthevilenessofthis.Theyremainstatue-likeandbetraynoemotions.“Youdidn’tputthisthroughavote.Youdidn’tinformanyoneofyourdecision.DoyoureallythinkthatmostVampyres,oreventhedamncouncil,wouldbeokaywithyougoingaboutkillingandabductingpeople?”
“Ourpeopleareaccustomedtoacertaindegreeofcomfort.Fewofthembotherwonderingwhatgoesintoprovidingit.”
“Whyhaven’tyoukilledme?”Serenaasks,asthoughourexchangeisapointlesstangent.She’snotwrong.
“Adifficultdecision,”heconcedestoher.“Butasweknownothingabouthybrids,youseemedofbetterusetomealive.”
“AndyetyoutriedtokillAna,”Isnap.
Thelookhegivesmeisfirstpuzzled—thenhalfamused,halfpitying.“Oh,Misery.Isthatwhatyouthink?ThatitwasLilianawhoItriedtokill?”
IglanceatMick,confusedbyFather’swords,andhisexpressionhasturnedintosomethingcompassionatethatIsimplycannot—
Theloudknockatthedoorstartlesme.WiththeexceptionofSerena,therestoftheroomisunsurprised.“Justintime.Please,enter.”
AnotherofFather’senforcerscomesinfirst.RightbehindhimisLowe,eyesdeepsetandhooded,facestony.Mythroatknotsamilliontimesover,thensinksintomystomachwhenOwenfollowshiminside.Hislipsarebentinashallow,enigmaticsmile,andthereasonisinstantlyobvious.
HehasLoweinhandcuffs.BecauseLoweisnothereofhisownfreewill.Heglancesaroundtheroom,takingstockofmyfather,ofalltheenforcers,ofMick.Hedoesn’tallowanyfeelingstoseepthrough,notevenwhenhisoldestsecond,hisfatherfigure,bendshisheadinthecustomarysalute.Thenhiseyesreachme,andforasplitsecondIseeeveryemotionintheobservableuniversepassthroughthem.
Afteraheartbeat,we’rebacktonothing.
Mybrainfranticallytriestocatchup.DidOwenlieaboutwantingtotakeoverFather’sseat?WashishelpwithSerenaalie?
“Lowe.”Father’svoiceisnearlywelcoming.“Iwaswaitingforyou.”
“Idon’tdoubtit,”Lowereplies.Hisdeepvoicereverberatesinthelargeroom,fillingitinawayadozenpeoplehadn’tmanaged.“Itappearsyouhadaplanallalong,CouncilmanLark.”
“Notallalong.Youknow,youareaveryhardmantothrall.Itriedduringouronlymeetingalone,afterthemarriageceremony.UsuallyI’llbeabletohookintoaWereoraHumaninamatterofseconds,butwithyou,itsimplydidn’twork.Howfrustrating.”HesighsandpointstoMick.“Itoldmyselfthatitdidn’tmatter.Ihadinfiltratedyourinnercircleanyway.Andyet,Istillwasunabletogetmyhandsonyoursister.Andnowthatyou’vehiddenher,Ihavebeenunabletofindoutwhere.Isimplynevermanagedtogetanyrealleverageonyou.Untilnow.”HesmilesatOwen.“Thankyouforbringinghimtome,son.Icertainlyconsiderthisproofofyourloyalty.”
Owen’seyesshinewithpride.Iclenchmyteeth.“LoweisnevergoingtogiveyouAna.”
“Amonthago,Iwouldhaveagreedwithyou.ButMickexplainedafewthingstome.Includingwhathisreactiontoyouattheweddingmeant.Theconceptofmates.”Fathercomestostandinfrontofme,onehandclaspingmyshoulder.“Yourusefulnesstrulyknowsnobounds.”
“Youareunbelievable.”Ishakehistouchaway,disgusted.
“AmI?”
“Yes.Andmistaken.”Ileanforward,tauntinghim,suddenlypowerfulintheheartbreakingknowledgethathe’swrong.“I’mnotLowe’smate.Whateverleverageyouthinkyouhave,it’snot—”
“Isshenot,Lowe?”Fatherasks,suddenlylouder.He’sstillholdingmyeyes.“Yourmate?”
Istareback,waitingforLowe’sanswer,waitingtoseethedisappointmentinmyfather’seyes.Hopingit’llmaketheoneIexperiencedearliertonightlessbitter.Buttimeticksonby.AndLowe’sreplyjusttemporizes,hangsback,hesitates,andnevercomes.
WhenIturntohim,he’satonceblankandprofoundly,indeliblysad.
“Tellhim,”Iorder.Buthestilldoesn’tspeak,anditfeelslikeaslaptomyface.Mylungsseize,andsuddenlyIcannotbreathe.“Tellhimthetruth,”Iwhispertohim.
Lowerunshistongueovertheinsideofhischeek,andthenpresseshislipstogetherinasmall,sadsmile.
Somethinginsidemetrembles.
“Nowthatit’ssettled,”Fathersaysdryly.“Lowe,MickinformsmethatnoonebutyouknowswhereLilianaishidden.Iwanther—don’tworry,nottodisposeofher.JustlikeIdidn’tdisposeofMissPariswhenIhadtheopportunity.”HestopstogiveSerenaasmallsmile,asifexpectinggratitude.Ienvisionherspittingonhimandbeingpromptlymurderedbythreeenforcers.“AllIwantisassurancethatHumansandWereswon’tjoinforcesagainsttheVampyres.Andthatstartswithnotgivingthemareasontobelievethey’remoresimilarandcompatiblethantheythought.”FatherturnstoLoweonelasttime.“Makearrangementstohandoveryoursister.”
Lowenodsslowly.Andthenaskswithagenuinelycurioustone,“AndIwoulddothat,because…?”
“Becauseyourmatewillrequestit.”
Loweexhalesasilentlaugh.“Youknowmymateverylittle,ifyoureallythinkshewouldrequestanythinglikethat.”
Lowedoesn’tgetaverbalresponse.InsteadFatherreachesforward.Hemovessofast,theairshiftswithmomentum,andthenextinstantsomethingcold,shiny,andverysharpappearsnexttomyneck.
He’sholdingoneofVania’sknives.Tomythroat.
Lowe,Owen,Serena—evenMick,theyallattempttoreachforme,butarerestrainedbyFather’senforcers,andwhenthetipofthebladegrazesmyskintheystopatonce,withequallyterrifiedexpressionsontheirfaces.Thesilencethatfollowsisoverstrung,filledbyloudheartbeatsandheavybreathing.
“No,”Fathersayscalmly.Thehandholdingtheknifeissteady.“Innormalconditions,shewouldn’task.ButwhatifshehadtochoosebetweenherlifeorLiliana’sfuture?Whatthen?”
“He’sbluffing.He’snotgoingtokillme,”ItellLowe,hopingtoreassurehim.
Heremainsexpressionless,andcertainlydoesn’tseemrelieved.Theopposite,perhaps.Iwonderifhealreadyknowswhat’stocome.
“Won’tI?Ididhaveyoupoisoned.Oh,don’tmakethatface.Yes,thepoisonwasforyou.IwashopingthatthepainoflosingamatewoulddistractLoweenoughformetotakeLiliana.ButMickmixedupthedoses,didn’the?Itmademeangryenoughtotakeitoutonhisson.Andafterthat,Lowewassmarterthantotrustanyone.”Hemovesevencloser,hiseyesadarkpurplethat’snearlyblue.Whateverwasleftinsidemethatboundmetomyfamily,alreadycrackedandbattered,finallysplinters.“Ihavesacrificedyoubefore,andIwilldoitagain,”myfathertellsme.Thereisnoremorseinhim.Noconflict.“ForthegoodoftheVampyres,Iwillnothesitate.”
Ilaugh,fulloffdisdain.“Whatafuckingcowardyouare.”Ishouldfeelcornered,butI’mjustangry.AngryonbehalfofAnaandSerena.Ofmyself.AngrierthanIthoughtpossible.
Andthenthere’sLowe,andthewayhe’slookingatme.Hiscalmfear,likeheknowsthatnothingaboutthiscouldeverendwell.Likehe’snotcertainwhathe’lldowithhimselfafterward.
I’msorry,Lowe.
Iwishwehadmoretime.
“Watchyourlanguage,”Fatheradmonisheslazily.Thebladenicksmyskin.ThesinglepurpledropofbloodslidingdownmyneckhasLowethrashingtofreehimself,buttherestraintsOwenputonhimhold.
“YoulovetopurchasethegoodoftheVampyresbypayingwiththelivesofothers,don’tyou?”ItauntFather.“Onlyacowardwouldputothersinfrontofhimself.”
“IwillleveragewhatIcan.”
“Well,Iwon’t.I’mnotgoingtoaskLowetochoosemeoverhissister.”
“Butthereisnoneed,isthere?”FatherturnstoLowe.“Whatdoyouthink,Alpha?ShouldImurderherinfrontofyoureyes?IhearthatWereswholosetheirmatescansometimesgoinsane.Thatthereisnogreaterpain,”headdswithrelish.
Don’tbeinpain,Ithink,staringhimintheeyesovertheglintoftheblade.Whateverhappens,don’tbeinpainoverme.JustbewithAna,anddraw,andgoonyourruns,andmaybethinkofmesometimeswhenyoueatpeanutbutter,butdon’tbein—
“Misery,”Serena’svoiceinterruptsmythoughts.Andthenshesayssomethingelse,somethinggarbledandnonsensicalthatmybraintakesasecondtountangleTheenforcerslookateachother,equallyconfused.Fatherfrowns.Owentiltshishead,curious.
Butshe’snotspeakingintongues.Therearerealwords.
“He’swrong.”That’swhatSerenasaid.Inoursecretalphabet.
WithoutlookingawayfromLowe,Iask,“Aboutwhat?”
“AboutwhetherIcanshift”
Idon’timmediatelyunderstand.Butthecornerofmyeyecatchesaburstofmovement.Herhand.No—herfingers.
Suddenly,hernailsarelong.
Unnaturallylong.
Newlylong.
Itakeadeepbreath,mindracing.“Verywell,Father,”Isay.IholdLowe’sgaze,hopinghe’llgetthis.“Sinceyou’regoingtohavetokillme,ifImayhavesomelastwordswithmymate.”
Iswallow.Lowe’sseveralstepsawayfromme,andhiseyesare…It’simpossibletodescribethem.Notwithwords.
“Lowe.Youarethebestthingthateverhappenedtome.AndIwouldneveraskyoutoputAnabeforeme.”Myvoiceislittlemorethanawhisper.“Andifyoueverputsomeoneelsebeforeher,I’dloveyoualittleless.Butwhenyouseehernext,sinceIprobablywon’t,willyougiveheramessagefromme?Tellherthatshe’sasannoyingasSparkles.Andthat…thatthingsheisn’tabletodo?Sheshouldn’tbesadaboutit.Becauseshe’llgrowintoit.Andshe’lldefinitelybeabletodoitbythetimeshe’stwenty-fiveorso.”
Lowestaresatme,confused—untilthemeaningclicksforhim.HiseyesdartfromminetoSerena’s,andIwishIhadtimetosavorhowincrediblywrong,andfuckedup,andjustoddthisis:thetwopeoplewhomakeupmyentireuniverse,meetingundertheseridiculouscircumstances.
Ihopeonedaythethreeofuswillbeabletolaughaboutthismoment.Ihopethisisnottheend.IhopethatevenifI’mnotaround,thetwoofthemwillbethereforeachother.Ihope,Ihope,Ihope
Serenanods.
Lowenods.
Understandingrunsthroughthemlikeacurrent.
“Now,”Lowewhispers.
Allofasudden,Owenstepsforward.Inalightning-quickmoment,Lowe’srestraintsareundone,andhisbodybeginstoshift.Contort.Mergeandturnandtransform.IturntolookatSerenaandfindthatshe’sdoingthesame—theperfect,blindsidingdistractionthatnoneoftheguardssawcoming.NorVania.NorFather.
“Whatareyou—”heonlyhasthetimetosay.
Becausetwolarge,majesticwhitewolvesfilltheroom.Thenoiseoftearingfleshrisesabovethescreams,andIwatchthetwopeopleIlovethemostholdabsolutelynothingback.
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER29
Therearemanymatterstosettle,andhispackneedshimmorethanever,buthecannotconcentrateonanythingbuther.HeunderstandswhysomeAlphastakevowsofcelibacyandrenouncelove.
Shedistractshim.Hisfeelingsforher,theydistracthim.
ThereissomethingI’llnever,everletmyselflivedown,notuntilthedayIkickthebucket,notuntilthemomentIvanishintothenothingnessofmatter:inmyweeksoflivingwiththeWeres,itneveroccurredtometowonderwheretheirclotheswentwhentheyshiftedtowolfform.
It’sso,sostupidofme.
Andintheaftermathofthescariestnightofmylife,sittingintheNest’sstairwell,withGabitreatingthepuncturewoundFather’sknifecutintothefleshofmycollarbone,Isimplycannotletgoofit.
“Didyouthinkthey’dtransformwithus?Sartorially?”Alexleansagainstthehandrail.He’sstickingaroundfornoreasonotherthantomockme.Ormaybehe’sgenuinelyinterested—Icannottell.AllIknowis,Imisswhenhewasterrifiedofme.“Youthoughtthattheendresultwouldbeawolfinalittlesweatervestandabowtie?Justtobeclear,isthatwhatyouexpected?”
“Idon’tknowwhatIexpected.ButSerena’stopwasalltatteredandstuckaroundherneck,andI’mjustsayingthatitwasdisturbingtowatchapinkshirtdanglefromherwhileherteethsankintoVania’sthroat.”Irubmyfacewithmypalms,hopingtounseethepasttwohours.WhenIlookupagain,LudwigandCalandanotherhandfulofsecondsarewalkingdownthehallwaytoFather’soffice.Theystopinfrontofus,and…
WeallknowtheywereinterrogatingMick.IwonderifitstilllooksliketheAsterinthere:purpleandgreenbloodsplatteredalloverthewalls.Themostgruesomeofflowers,finger-paintedbytheworld’screepiestchild.
“Isshestilltalkingabouttheclothes?”Ludwigasks.
Alexnodswithadeepsigh.Gabibitesbackasmile.
“Ijustwanttoknowwhatthehellshewasthinkingwouldhappentothem,”Calmutters.
“Ididn’tthink,”Isay.Defensively.
“Obviously,”Alexmutters.
“Shouldn’tyoubeintimidatedbyme?Also,whatareyoudoinghere?”ThismustbethemostWeresinVampyreterritoryever.
“ItwasdeterminedthatanITexpertmightbeofuse,andfrankly,youlostallofyourintimidationpoints.”
“Icanstilldrinkyoudry,nerd.”
Owenarrivestointerruptourbickering.“Areyoudonehere,Misery?Ineedyouwithmeforamoment.”
IfollowhimdownthestaircasewithonelastglareatAlex,mostlyinsilence.Owengotabitbeatenupduringthefight:hisblackeyeiscourtesyofVania,ormaybethatauburn-hairedguardwhoescortedhimin.Fromthewayhecarrieshimself,Isuspecthisentirerightsideisbruised,too.Whenweturnintoadarkhallwayandareoutofearshot,Iaskquietly,“Areyouokay?”
“Ishouldaskyouthat.”
Imullit.“I’dfeelbetterifIcouldspeaktoSerena.”
“She’swiththeginger.Thegirl,nottheguy.”
“Juno.Iknow.”
“Apparently,shedoesn’tquitehavethewholeturning-into-a-beast-and-then-back-into-a-personthingdown,andshe’sstillworkingoncontrollingher…Idon’tfuckingknow,wolfyimpulses.Redtookherforarunto—”
“Iknow,”Irepeat.I’mstillworried.“Andit’snot‘turn.’?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“TheWeresprefertheterm‘shift.’?”
Hegivesmeanappalledglance,likeI’mafirst-rownerdyellingTeacher,pickme!andthenstopsinfrontofacloseddoor.“IsawyourfacewhenIsteppedintotheoffice.YouthoughtIwasgoingtoscrewyouover,didn’tyou?”
Iresistthetemptationtoavertmygaze.“Youdidcomeinholdingmyhusbandcaptive.”
“Thatwashisidea.Icalledhimaboutanhourafteryouguysdroveaway—wewerefinallyabletogetfootageofthebreak-ininSerena’sapartment.”
Sothat’swhyLoweleftafterwe…betternotthinkaboutthat.“Letmeguess—itwasMick.”
Henods.“IshowedLowetherecordings,andheimmediatelyrecognizedhim.Misery,hefreakedthefuckout.”
“Yeah,MickandLowegowayback—”
“No,hefreakedoutbecauseheknewthatyouwerewithMick.Ithoughtyourboytoywasaprettyeven-temperedguy,buthe’sactuallybloodcurdling.”
Idon’tbothertodenyit.“Andwhatdidyoudo?”
“TheWereswerestillmonitoringthegovernortoseewhathisnextstepwouldbe,andhemadeacalltoFather.Atthatpoint,itbecameclearthattheywerecollaboratingonsomething,andthatMickwasaidingthem.LowetoldmetocallFatherandlie—thestorywasthatonceyouandMickdisappeared,LowecontactedmetofindyoubecausehethoughtImightbewillingtohelp,andinsteadItookhimcaptive.You’veseentherest.”Hesquintsatme.“Again,itwashisidea.”
“Ididn’tsayanything—”
“I’mnotgoingtoscrewyouover,Misery.”
Inod,feelingalmostclosetomytwin.It’slongforgotten,butfamiliar.“NeitherwillI.”
“Verywell,then.”Hepointsatthedoor.“Youready?”Hedoesn’tsaywhat’sinside,butIalreadyknow.
Loweiswearingapairofjeanshemusthavefoundsomewhere,andnothingelse.Heturnsourwaywhenwecomein,butremainsleaningagainstthewall,patient.Afewfeetfromhimthereisachairand,cuffedtoit,aVampyre.
Father.
He’scoveredinblood,mostlypurple,butthenagain—soamI.AndsoisOwen,andeveryoneelsewhowasinthatofficeduringthecarnage.WhenAlexarrivedonthescene,hisfirstquestiontomewaswhetherallthebloodwasmakingmehungry.Oncewe’rebackinWereterritory,Iplantosmearapancakeontheinsideofatoiletandaskhimthesame.
IfIevergobacktotheWeres.
MyeyesmeetLowe’s,brieflyandforentirelytoolong.Whatpassesbetweenusistoocombustibleamomentnottoglanceawayimmediately.
“Youokay?”heasks.
No.“Yeah.You?”
“Yeah.”Hemeansno,butfornowitdoesn’tmatter.
Fatherisblindfolded,Iassumetosavesomemoronfromwanderinginandgettingthemselvesthralledwithinaninchoftheirlife.Theheadphonestheyputonhimmustbenoisecanceling,butheknowsexactlywho’sintheroom,fromheartbeatsandbloodscentalone.Hisenforcersaregone,andsoishispower.Forthefirsttimeinhisadultlife,he’sdefenseless.Iclosemyeyesandwaitforfeelingsofanykindtohitme.
Nonearrive.
“MayI?”Owenaskscordially,pointingatFather.Lowenods,observinghimcalmlyasheripsofftheblindfoldandtheheadphones.Owencrouchesdown,sittingonhishaunches.It’smyfirsttimewitnessinganinteractionlikethisone:mybrotherastheactive,dynamicpart,andFatherrestrainedandunmoving.Weak.Losing.
Theyregardeachother.It’sFatherwhofinallybreaksthesilencebysaying:“IwantyoutoknowthatIwoulddoallofitagain.”Hisvoiceistoostrongformytaste,almostobscenelycalm.IwishIcouldwatchhimbegformercy,seehimdoubthisridiculousrighteousnessandthecourageofhisstupidconvictions.Iwishhecouldsufferevenjustanounce,evenjustattheendofit.Iwishtherewassomecomeuppanceforeverythinghehasdone.
AndthenIdon’thavetowish.Becauseafternoddingpensively,Owengrins.Wide.
“Fairenough.WhatIwantyoutoknow,”hepromises,voicelowandclear,“isthatasItakeoveryourplaceonthecouncil,Iwillworkhardtoundoeveryshittylittlethingyouhavebuiltinthelastfewdecades.I’mgoingtobrokerallianceswiththeWeresandwithHumansthatwon’tjustbenefitus.I’mgoingtodoeverythingIcantofacilitatetrucesbetweenthem.AndwhenthisareaisatpeaceandtheVampyres’influenceisreducedtonearinsignificance,I’mgoingtotakeyourfuckingashesandscatterthemwherethebordersandtheentrypointsusedtobe,sothatWeres,andHumans,andVampyrescanstepoverthemwithoutevenrealizingit.Daddy.”Hesmilesoncemore,ferocious,scary
Wow.Mybrotheris…wow.
“Misery,anythingyou’dliketosaytothiswretchedpieceofshitbeforehecannolongerhearyou?”
Iopenmymouth.Thenthinkbetterofitandcloseit.
WhatcouldItellhim?IsthereanythingthatwouldhurthimevenahundredthofhowmuchhehashurtmeandthepeopleIlove?Maybeonly:“Nah.”
Owenchuckles,andLowe’sexpressionisatoncetenderandamused.Fatherdoesn’tgiveusthesatisfactionofthrashingaround,oryellinginsults,orrelinquishingcontrolinanyway.Buthiseyesmeetminebeforedisappearingbehindtheblindfold.Thereisadefeatedtingetothem,andItellmyselfthatmaybeheknows:Iwillthinkofhimaslittleaspossible,foraslongasIcan.
“Whatwouldyoulikemetodowithhim?”LoweasksonceFathercan’thearus.ThequestionshouldbedirectedatOwen,buthe’sverymuchlookingatme.Perhapsthisisnotaleaderworkingonbehalfofhispeople,butaWere,askingaquestiontohis…
Ihangmyhead.No.I’mnotevengoingtothinkabouttheword.It’sbeenabusedanddraggedinthemudenoughfortonight.
“Whathappensifhestaysalive?Actually,whathappensifhegetskilled?Wouldthereberepercussions?”
“ThereisnoofficialbodyregulatingWere-Vampyrerelationships.Yet.”Loweadds.“IassumethatitwouldbeuptotheVampyrecounciltoseekretribution,orpunishment—onyourfather,oronwhoeverexecutedhim.Whoevertakeshisseatisgoingtohavesomesayinthat.”
“Owen,then.”
Theyshareaglance.Andafterasplit-secondhesitation,Lowesays,“Oryou.”
Shockingly,Owennods.Andthentheybothlookatmeexpectantly.
“YouguysthinkIwanttobepartofthecouncil?”
Lowesaysnothing.Owenshrugs.“Idon’tknow.Doyou?”
Alaughexplodesoutofme.“Whatisthis?”
“FatherdecidedI’dbehissuccessordecadesago.”Owenlooksdeadserious.“Ithinkweshouldstopdoingashesays.”
“AreyousayingthatifIwantthatseat,you’llhandittome?”
“I…”Herollshislipsoverhisfangs.“Iwouldn’tbehappyaboutit.AndI’llwarnyou—ourpeoplewouldnotlikeit.Butthey’dhavetoacknowledgeyou’vedonefarmorefortheVampyresthananyofthem,andeventuallythey’dmakepeacewithit.”
Ididn’tknowOwencouldbethissensible.Ifinditsomystifying,IactuallystopandallowmyselftoconsidertheideaofaworldwhereIcantrulybeathomeamongtheVampyres,ifonlybecauseIamtheirduty-boundleader.Iwouldn’tbealone,wouldn’tberejected,wouldn’tbeconstantlyoutofplace.Theappealofitis…
Lowtononexistent.Honestly:fucktheVampyres.
“Whatyousaidearlier,”ItellOwen.“AboutworkingwiththeWeresandtheHumans.Youmeantit,right?Youweren’tjustfuckingwithFather?”
“Ofcourse.”Hescowls,indignant.“LoweandIarebasicallybestfriends.”
Lowe’spuzzledfrowndoesn’tquitebroadcastbestfriendship.
Owensnorts.“Thankyouforthevoteofconfidence.It’strulyinspirationaltoknowthattheWereAlphaandhisbride,whoalsohappenstobemygoddamnsister,thinkthatI’dbeagreatleader.Trulythesupportsystemofchampions.Assholes.”
Ismile.Lowe’slipstwitchup,too.Oureyescatch,anditfeelsevenmoremenacingthanbefore,adangerousstormcoming,likeacurrentbuzzingupmyspineandwaterafteradrought.
It’sfrightening,thisthingbetweenus.Ineedtointerruptit.“CanI…Ihavequestions,”Ihurrytosay.“WhereisMick’sson?”
“OwenandIhaveseveralpeoplelookingforhim,”Lowesays.Herubshishandacrossthebackofhisneck,lookingpained.
“AndMick?What’sgoingtohappentohim?”
Hisfacesets.“I’llletyouknowwhenIdecide.”
“AndAna?Myfather—”
“—neverknewwhereshewas.She’ssafe.”
Relieffloodsthroughme.“I’mglad.”
“She’llbebackassoonasthesituationisresolved.Anythingelseyouneedtoknow?”
Ipressmylipstogether,wishingthiswasthetimeandplaceformorequestions.Wishingwewerealone.
AmIyourmate?
Isitokayifitdoesn’tmatter?IsitokayifIwanttobe?
Howmuchofwhatyousaid,whatIsaid,whateveryonesaidwasreal?
Someofitmustbe,right?
“No.”IglanceatOwen.He’seitherunawareofhowmuchI’dloveforhimtoleaveusalone,ordoesn’tcare.Thelatter,probably.
“Youstillhaven’ttoldmewhatyou’dlikemetodowithyourfather,”Lowesayssoftly.
Iglanceatthechair.Father’spostureisasimpeccableasalways,butwithhispointedearshiddenbyheadphonesandhiswhitehairslightlymussed,hecouldalmostpassforHuman.Howthemightyhavefallen.
MaybeI’mtrulyhorrible.Maybehedeservesit.Maybeit’salittleofboth.Still,Isay:“Idon’tcare.Ileaveittoyoutwo.”
WhenIwalkpastLowe,thebackofmyhandbrushesagainsthis,andashiverofundistilledwarmthtravelsupmyarm.
Igripthedoorhandle,stillfeelinghisheatinmyfingers.Withoutturning,Iadd:“Unlesstheneedarises,feelfreetonevertellmewhatyousettleon.”
Ifallasleepinmychildhoodbedroom,whichistheweirdcherryontopoftheweirdestfuckingnight.
InthemonthleadinguptomyweddingIwasoftenattheNest,butneverinhere.Infact,Ihaven’tbeenheresincemybriefstintbackinVampyreterritoryaftergraduatingastheCollateral.Theplaceisfairlyclean,andIwonderwho’sbeendustingtheemptyshelvesorchangingthelightbulbs,andonwhoseorders.Iopenemptydrawersandunusedclosets.Aboutanhourafterthesunhasrisen,Igotosleep.
MybedisVampyrestyle,whichconsistsofathinmattressonthefloorandawoodenplatformaboutthreefeetaboveit,idealforprotectionfromthelight.Atipped-overcoffin,basically,Serenasaidthefirsttimeshesawit,andIstillhateherabitforit.Butit’sdeliciouslycomfortable,andIbemoanthefactthatIcouldneverfindanythinglikethisinHumanterritory,letaloneamongtheWeres.Then,beforeIdozeoff,Iwonderwhetherthat’sevenrelevant.Whatwillhappentomenext?WithOwenascending,willthereevenbeaneedformarriagesofconveniencebetweenourpeople?
No.SomaybeI’llgobacktomyownapartment.Andpentesting.ButI’dwalkintothesunbeforeworkingwithwhatshisface—Pierce,yeah—beforeworkingwithPierceagain.SoIshouldprobablyrefreshmyCVand…
Iwakeupfortyminutesbeforesundown,withabodynexttomine.It’swarm,verysoft,andeverythingaboutitscreamsfamiliarity.
“Getyourownbed,bitch,”Isaygroggily,turningtoSerena.
“Never.”Sheyawns,huge,withnoconsiderationforherstinkybreathormypoornose.“So.”
“So.”Ireachuptocleanmyeyes,andcanstillsmelltheVampyrebloodundermyfingernails.Ishouldtakeashower.
“Let’sjustgetthisoverwith,”shestarts.“Iknowyou’remad,but—”
“Hangon.I’mnotmad.”
Sheblinksatme.“Oh.”
“I’mnotgoingto…I’mnotmad,Ipromise.”
Shesearchesmyface.“But?”
“Nobuts.”
“But?”
“Nothing.”
“But?”
“Forfuck’ssake,Itoldyou—”
“Misery.But?”
Ipressmyfingersintomyeyesuntilgoldenspotsappear.God,Ihateitwhenpeopleknowme.“Just…why?”
“Why,what?”
“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”
Shebitestheinsideofhercheek.“Right.So.Ikindofkeptanunhingednumberofsecretsfromyouinthepastyearorso,andI’mnotsurewhichoneyou’rereferringto,so—”
“Thebigone.”Mytoneisflat.“Thatyou’reactually,youknow.Anotherfuckingspecies?”
“Oh.”Shescruncheshernose.“Right.Well.”
“Ithoughtyoutrustedme.Iassumedyoufeltyoucouldtellmeeverythingandourfriendshipwasunconditional,butmaybe—”
“Ido.Idotrustyou.It’s…”Sheflinches.Thenmassagesherforeheadwiththepalmofherhand.“Iwasn’tsure,youknow?Atthebeginning,especially,mybodywasbeingsoweird,andthereweretheseoddsensations,anditseemedbonkers.Iwasn’tsurewhetherIwashavingdelusions,anditfeltliketheprecisetypeofthingthatIshouldavoidthinkingaboutandjustpraywouldgoaway.Andthen,whenIreallystartedsuspecting…Well,forone,youguyshateWeres.”
Igasp,mortallyoffended.“Idon’t.”
“Youmakejokesaboutthemallthetime.”
“Whatjokes?”
“Comeon.Theyrunaftermailcarriers,areobsessedwithsquirrels.Therewasthatnightwemetthatwetdogthatstanksobad—”
“Itwasajoke.IhadneverevensmelledaWereatthetime!”
“Yeah,well.”Shetakesadeepbreath.“Mybloodisred.Andwhenyourfathertookme,Istillwasn’tabletoshift.Iwasn’tsure.Atthatpoint,allIknewwasthatsomethingweirdandterribleandamazingwashappening,andIswear,Misery,allIkeptthinkingaboutinthepastsixmonthswas—whatifIdie?Whatifthisthinginsidemekillsme?WhatisMiserygoingtodothen?AmIgoingtodragherwithme,amIgoingtobethereasonmysister,thepersonIcareaboutthemost—theonlypersonIfuckingcareabout—willdie,becauseofthisweirdcodependencyofours,and—”
Ireachout,closingmyhandaroundhers,likeweusedtowhenwewerekids.
Serenaslowsdown.Stops.Then,afterafewmoments,shecontinues,andhervoiceismuchquieter.“InthelastthreemonthsIhadlotsoftime.Obviously.Andtherewasasurveillancecameraintheattic,butithadseveralblindspots.Before,IhadfeltlikeIneededinformation.IhadresearchedthepossibilitythatImightbeaWere,orsomethingelsealtogether,likeIwouldnormallyresearchanarticle.ButonceIwasalone,allIcoulddowasresearchmyself.TrytofeelitAndIpracticed.Shiftingislikeflexingamuscle,exceptthatthemuscleisalsointhebrain.AndIstilldon’treallyunderstandwhat’supwithme,andwhataboutmeisWereorHuman,but…”
Shetakesadeepbreath.
Another.
Another,andIsqueezeherhand.
“So.”She’snotcrying,butIcanhearthetearsinhervoice.“Canyou…Canyouonceagainbemyonlygoodfriendinthewholefuckingworld,Bleetch?”
Ismile.
Thenlaugh.
Thenshelaughs.
“Youtalklikeweeverstopped.”
Sheiscryingnow,andI’dbe,too,butIcan’t.InsteadIscootforward,bumpingintoamilliondifferentelbows,andhugher.
Shehugsmeback,tighter.
“Youcanbewhateveryouare,andyou’llstillbemyfriend.AndIwon’teverhaveanyissueswithyoubeingaWere,”Isayintoherhair,whichismattedwithsoilandGod,thisbabywolfneedsabathjustasbadasIdo.“Infact,IthinkImightbeinlovewithone.”
OceanofPDF.comCHAPTER30
Itcouldhavebeenanyonewhowassenttohim.AnyVampyre.Andyet,itwasher.
Arollofthedice.
Theluckofthedraw.
Idon’tseeLoweforthefollowingthreedays.
Or:IdoseeLowe.Severaltimes.Constantly,even.Butit’sneverLowe,theguywhohungoutwithmeontheroofanddrewmebathsandoncepulledbackmyhairtostareatthetipsofmyearsandthenmouthedprettytohimself.It’salwaysLowetheAlpha.Discussingurgentmatters.ShuttlingbetweenWereandVampyreterritorywithCalandanothergaggleofsecondsintow.ConferringwithOwenandMaddieGarciainclosed-doormeetingsIdon’tcaretobepartof,butfindmyselfwishingIwere.
SerenaandIareattachedatthehip,surgically,likewe’retwelveagainandfiguringouttrigonometrytogether.Wegoonlong,comfortablysilentwalksatdusk.Wemakejokesaboutthefactthatshecangrowfuronherelbowatwill.Wehangoutinmyroom,Serenareadinguponeverythingthat’shappenedwhileshewascutofffromtheworld,meblinkingsleepilyattheblackdotsontheceiling,tryingtofigureoutwhetherthey’retinybugsorspecksofdirt.
Somehow,I’malwayswrong.
“Wehavegoodgenetictestingregistries,”JunotellsuswhenshecomesovertochatwithSerena.“WecanworkonfiguringoutwhoyourWereparentwas.Attheveryleast,whatpackandhuddletheycamefrom.”
Serenalooksatme,searching,andmyfirstinstinctistoencourageher.ThenIseeherthroatjerkingfitfully,onceandthenagain.“Maybeyoushouldtakesometimetothinkitthrough,”Isay,andshenodsinrelief,likesheneededmypermissiontoevenconsiderit.
It’snotlikeher,theindecision.Thenagain,Serenaisnotlikeheranymore.Serenawasheldaloneinawindowlessatticformonths,andthat’saftershestartedgettinganinklingthatmaybeshewasanotherspecies.Serenafallsasleepatoddhoursandthentossesandturns,andI’vecaughtherweepingmoretimesinthepastweekthaninthepreviousdecadeofouracquaintance.Serenaseems…notdiminished,butdistracted.Insubstantial.Transitioning.
Laterthatevening,whilesheabsentmindedlybraidsherhairandstaresoutthewindow,shemurmurs,“Iwonderwhetherit’dbeokaytospendsometimewiththeWeres.Justtoseehowtheyare.”ItoccurstomethatJunoisthefirstofSerena’speoplewhohasn’tabductedher,imprisonedher,orabandonedher.
“IneedtoaskLowesomething,”ItellOwenthefollowingday,whenIcatchhimbetweencouncilmeetings.He’sstaringatthetouchscreeninFather’sofficewithadeepfrown.Thebloodstainshaven’tbeentakencareof—ormaybetheyhave,andthenearblackmarksarepermanentmementos.“Whereishe?”
“Inhishome,Iassume.”
“Whenwillhebeback?”
“Idon’tknow.”Helooksstressed,likehe’sbeenrunningahandthroughhishair.Powerdoesnotbecomehim—notyet,atleast.“Thenegotiationsareoverfornow,sonotforawhile.”
“Oh.”Myeyeswiden,andOwenfinallylooksup.
“What?”
“Nothing.IguessIthoughtI’dgobackwithhim?SinceIlivethere.”
“Doyouwantto?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Youdon’thavetolivethereifyoudon’twantto.”
“Whataboutthealliance?”
Heshrugs.“NextweekthecouncilwilltakeaformalvoteontheparametersofouralliancewiththeWeres.Inthemeantime,LoweandIseeeyetoeye,andneitherofusisgoingtoaskyouorGabitoserveasCollateralanylonger.”
“Idoubtthecouncilwillapproveof—”
“ThecouncilhasenabledFathertodoabunchofveryillegalthings,whichtheyarenowscramblingtopretendtheyknewnothingabout,andeveniftheyweren’tintentoncoveringtheirasses,I’mbringingthemaconditionalalliancewiththeWeresandtheHumans.Soyes,they’llapprovewhateverItellthemto.”Okay,maybeIwaswrong.Powerdoesbecomehim.“Gabi’salreadybackinWereterritory.You’refreetolivewhereveryoulike,soletmeaskyouagain:DoyouwanttolivewithLowe?”
It’ssuchabaring,directquestion,Icanonlydeflectwithanother.“Hashesaidanything?”
“Likewhat?”
“Like,doeshewantmeto—doesheexpectmeto…Hashesaidanything?”
Hegivesmeamercilesslook.“Iamnotanagonyaunt.”
Itiltmyhead.“Youlooklikeit,though.”
“Getthefuckoutofmyoffice.”
Istepouttoavoidthepaperweighthe’seyeing.ThenIrealizeInevergotwhatIcamefor.Imakeanexecutivedecision:retracemysteps,stealOwen’scarkeys,andafewminuteslaterSerenaandIareontheroad,crossingthebridgeasapallidsunsetsbehindtheoaks.Idon’thaveanydiplomaticpaperworkonme,butwhenIdeclaremynametheWereatthecheckpointputsmethroughthefacescannerandletsmethrough.
IdropSerenaoffatJuno’sandsmileasIwatchthempranceintothewoodsinwolfform,thewindweavingripplesthroughtheirsoftfur.WerecompanyiswhatSerenaneedsrightnow,andI’mhappytofacilitatethat.Also,I’mstaggeringlyrelievedthatshe’saskingforhelpandnotshuttingmeout.
“Textmewhenyou’redonechasingmoles,orsmellingeachother’sbuttholes,orwhatever,”Iyellafterthem.“I’mgoingtoLowe’s!”
Hishomeisunlocked,asusual,butuncharacteristicallyempty.Itoeoffmyshoesandpadupthewoodenstairs,wonderingifbloodbagsarestillbeingautomaticallydeliveredforme.WhenI’llgettoseeAnaagain.WhetherSerenaandSparkles/Sylvesterwilleverbereunited.
MystomachdropsasIentermyroom.Theplacelooksuninhabited,morethanwhenIfirstmovedin.Myknickknacks,books,movies,andevensomeclotheshavebeenputbackinsideboxes.
I’mnotwelcomehereanymore.Iambeingevicted.
There’sprobablyareason.Lowewouldn’tjustkickyouout.
ButIcan’ttwistmyselfintonotcaring.Thereisashrinkingpullinmyheart,andifI’mnotbeingthrownout,I’mstillbeinginchedaway.Ihaveservedmypurpose,and—
“Misery?”
Iturnaroundandmyheartflips.
Lowe.Staringatmeinthewarmglowoftheceilinglights.Notsmilingperse,butradiatinghappinessatseeingme.He’swearingaleatherjacketandhishandsareathissides,abitstiff.Likehe’sconsciouslykeepingthemthere.“Hey.”
“Hey.”Ismile.Hesmilesback.Thenwe’resilentforlongenoughformetorememberourlastconversationalone.
Toolong.
“Iwasn’tsureifIcould…IhopeI’mnottrespassing.”
“Trespassing?”Hisdelightatseeingmefadesintoconfusion,whichmorphsintoasternsortofunderstanding.“Youlivehere.”
Idon’task,DoI?becausethatwouldsoundinsecureandwhinyandmaybealittlepassive-aggressive,andIjustrememberedthatI’mnoneofthesethings.NotwithLowe,atleast
“IdroppedSerenaoff,andIthinkitwouldbegreatifsheandAnawereabletomeet.ItcoulddoSerenasomegood,andviceversa.Idoubtthey’retheonlytwohalfWeresoutthere,but…”
“Asfarasweknow.”
Inod.“Wouldthatbeokay?”
Hescratcheshisjaw.Hisbeardisthelongestit’severbeensinceImethim.Whathavethelastfewdaysbeenlikeforhim?“I’mplanningtotellAnaaboutherparentsonceKoenbringsherback.Iwasgoingtosavethatconversationforlater,buttherearesimplytoomanypeoplewhoknow,andIdon’twanthertofindoutfromsomeoneelse.Afterthat,I’dloveforhertomeetSerena.Andofcourse,Serenaisalwayswelcomeamongus.Sheispartofourpack,ifshewantstobe.ItaskedJunowithcheckinginwithherwhileIwasgone,butI’llarrangeameetingtoexplaineverythingnowthatI’mback.”
“Back?”
“WeweredealingwithEmery.”
Myeyeswiden.“Yikes?”
Heletsoutasoftchuckleandleansashoulderagainstthedoor.“Indeed.”
“WekindasuspectedthewrongWere,didn’twe?”
“WhenitcametoAna.WefinallyhaveenoughevidencetoholdEmeryaccountablefortheactivitiesoftheLoyals,includinganexplosionataschoolthathappenedthreemonthsago.Iwenttoinformherthattherewillbeatribunal.Butwhenitcomestomysister…”Hisexpressiondarkens.“It’snotherfaultifIchosetobelieveMick.”
“Didyoufindhisson?”
“Yes.They’retogether,heavilyguarded.I’mnotsureyetwhatI’mgoingtodo.”Hepresseshislipstogether.
“I’mreallysorry,Lowe,”Isayheavily.“Iknowhowmuchyoutrustedhim.”
“AnyotherWere,I’dhaverealizedthattheywerelyingtome.ButMick…hisscenthadchangeddrastically.Itwassourandbitterandoverpowering,butIfigureditwasgrief.Thatlosingone’smateandsonwoulddothattosomeone.”
Itakeastepcloser,wantingtocomforthim,notquitesurehow.EventuallyIjustrepeatanutterlyinadequate“I’msorry.”Itrytocontinue,tounspoolthatballofwordsthatweighsonmystomachsodensely,butthesounddiesonmylips.I’mstunted,incapableofbeingcoherent.
“It’snotlikeyou,”hesayswithaslimsmile.
“Whatisn’t?”
“Notsayingexactlywhatyouthink.”
“Right.Yeah.”Agustofirritationsweepsoverme.Ibouncemyfoottostaveitoff.“Itwaseasier,beinghonestwithyou,whenIthoughtyouwerebeinghonestwithme.”
Hefrowns.“Youcanspeakhonestlywithme,Misery.Always.”
Iletoutanimpatientbreath,thenmarchtohim,readytoattack.IonlystopwhenI’msoclose,hehastobendhisnecktolookmeintheeye.“WhywouldI,though?Soyoucanusemydeepestwoundsandwhatyouknowaboutmypasttohurtmewhenyoudecidethatyoushouldpushmeaway?”
Helookscrestfallenatthememoryofthethingshetoldme,asthoughtheyhurthimasmuchasme.“I’msorry,”hewhispers.
“Youlied,”Iaccuse.“Yousaidallofthat—anditwasallalie.”
Hedoesn’tdenyit,whichmakesmeangrier.Insteadheinhales,deepandslowuntilhislungsarefull.
“Why?”Iprod.Whennoanswerscome,Iliftmyhandtohisface.“Icouldforceyoutotellmethetruth.”Theflatofmythumbpressesbetweenhisbrows.“Icouldthrallyou.”
Hissmilelookssad.“Youalreadyhave,Misery.”
Isqueezemyeyesshut.Thenopenthemtoask,“AmIyourmate?”
“ImeantwhatIsaid,”hesayscalmly.“YoushouldnotuseWerewordsyoucannotcomprehend.”
“Right.”Ispinonmyheelsangrilyandstalkaway.Fuckthis.Ifhedidn’twantmetouseWerewords,thenheshouldn’thavegiventhemtome.
“Misery.”Lowe’shandclosesagainstmywrist,stoppingmeinmytracks.WhenItrytowriggleout,hisarmwrapsaroundmywaisttohaulmebackintohim.
Hisheatisscorching.Thescratchofhischeekagainstthecrookofmyneck,deliciouslycoarse.
Ihearhimbreatheinagain,thistimewithoutrestraint.“Myfeelings.Mywishes.Mydesires…They’remine,Misery.Notyourstodealwith.”
Itrytotwistinhisgrip,furious.“Ofcoursetheyare.Whatthehelldoesthatevenmean—”
“ItmeansthatIdon’twantyoutomakedecisionsbasedonmyneeds.Idon’twantyoutobewithmebecauseyouhaveto,becauseyou’reworriedthatotherwiseI’llbemiserable.”IwishIcouldseehiseyes.Hisvoiceisatoncethickandroughandlow,asifsomeonestuffedasmuchemotioninitaspossibleandthentriedtoeraseit.“Atthewedding,whenyouwerenearmeforthefirsttime,Iwasangry.IwasfuriousthatforsomejokeoffateIhadfoundmymate,andtheyweresomeoneIcouldneverreallylove.Iwantedyoumorethananythingelse,andyetIfelttrappedbyyou.AndthenIbeganspendingtimewithyou.Ibeganknowingyou,andyoumademehappy.Youmademebetter.Youmademewanttobeeverypartofmyself,eventheonesIthoughtI’dleftbehind.AndonedayIwokeupandrealizedthatifyoudidn’tsmelllikethebestthingintheworld,Istillwouldn’twantyouanyless.”
“Lowe—”
“ButIcansurvivewithoutyou,Misery.AllIneedtodois…”Heexhalesawarm,soundlesslaugh.“Bewithoutyou.AllIneedtodoisbearit.Anditwon’tbegood.ButIthinkitwouldstillbebetterthanwatchingyoubecomeunhappy.Thanlettingmyloveforyoubindyoutomewhenyouwouldrather—”
“Whataboutmyloveforyou?”Iturnaroundinhisarms,andthistimeheletsme.“Canthatbindmetoyou?DoIhaveyourpermissiontoreciprocatewhatyoufeel?”
Hislipspart.
“No.No.Youdon’tgettobesurprisedaboutwhatIfeelforyou.NotwhenI’vebeennothingbuthonestaboutit,andyouknowwhat?”Myhandsarestartingtoshake,andIfistthemagainsthischest.“No.IfIwanttobeinlovewithmystupidWerehusband,I’mgoingtobeinlovewithmystupidWerehusband,whetherhewantstoadmitthathelovesmebackornot.Andthere’smore—I’mgoingtobelivinghere,soyoucanunpackthoseboxesrightnow.I’mgoingtobeinAna’slife,becauseshelikesmeandIsomehowlikeher,okay?AndI’mgoingtostickaroundWereterritory,becausemybestfriendisoneofyou,andforonceinmylifepeoplehaveactuallybeenprettyfuckingnicetome,andIlikelivingonalake,andIwouldn’tmindbeingthebloodsuckingweirdoofthispack,and—”Icouldsputtermywaythroughmorethreats,butheinterruptsme.
“Thewindows.I’mchangingthem.”
“Howdoesthateven—”
“IsawtheonesyouhaveattheNest.Owenexplainedhowtheywork.Iwasn’tmovingyouout,Ijustdidn’twantyourstufftogetdamaged.”
“Oh.”Itdoesn’tcompute.“That’svery,ah…thoughtful.Andexpensive?”
Hedoesn’tseemtocare.Insteadhisforeheadcomesdownagainstmine,andhishandengulfsmycheek.Hisvoiceisabrokenwhisper.“I’mafraid,Misery.I’mterrified.”
“Ofwhat?”
“Thatthereisnoworld,noscenario,norealityinwhichI’llgracefullyallowyoutoleaveme.ThatifIdon’tletyougonow,fiveyears,fivemonths,fivedaysdowntheline,Iwon’tbeableto.Everysecond,Iwantyoutoomuch,andeverysecond,I’monthevergeofwantingyoumore.Everysecondismylastchancetodothedecentthing.Toletyouliveyourlifewithouttakingupallofit—”
Itipmychinuptopressmymouthtohis.We’veexchangedmanykisses,andthisisprobablythemostrestrainedofallofthem.Butthereissomethingdesperateandfranticaboutthewayhislipsclingtomine,somethingutterlylost.
Ipullback.Smile.Say,“Shutup,Lowe.”
Helaughs,Adam’sapplebobbing.“NottheappropriatewaytospeaktotheAlphaofthepackyouclaimtowanttojoin.”
“Right.Shutup,Alpha.”Ikisshimagain,lingeringthistime.Heholdsmetight,bruising,likeI’llboltthesecondhestops.“You’veseenmewithSerena,”Imurmuragainsthislips.“I’mnotthetypetochangemymind.”
“No.You’renot.”
“Igetit,feelingpinneddownbythematething.”Itakeahurriedstepback,suddenlywonderingwhetherthisconversationrequiresphysicaldistance.“Ithastobehard,tofeellikeyoucouldn’twalkawayevenifyouwantedto.Likesomeoneisgoingtobeyourproblemforever—”
Heshakeshishead,eyesburningintomine.“You’renotaproblem,Misery.You’reaprivilege.”
MyheartslowstoathudjustasLowe’spicksup,threebeatsofhisforeveryoneofmine.Ourbodies,screaminghowdifferentweareatthemostbasic,fundamentallevel.
Idon’tcare,though.Hedoesn’t,either.“We’lltry,then.Isn’tthatwhatanyrelationshipis,intheend?Meetingsomeoneandwantingtobewiththatpersonmorethanwithanyoneelse,andtryingtomakeitwork.AndI…maybeIdon’thavethehardware,butthesoftwareishere,andIgettoprogramit.Maybeyou’renotmeantformethewayI’mmeantforyou,butI’mgoingtochooseyouanyway,overandoverandoveragain.Idon’tneedaspecialgeneticpermittofeelsurethatyouaremy—”
Idon’tgettofinishthesentence.Becausehe’skissingmeravenously,likehe’snevergoingtostop,andI’mkissinghimbackinthesameway.Theintensity,thistime,isspikedwithrelief.
“You’rehere,”hesaysagainstmyneck,pushingmebackward.It’snotaquestion,andnotforme.Hisstronghandscupthebackofmyheadandwon’tletmenod.“You’restaying.”Ifeelthemattersettleinsidehim,thecertaintyofus.
AdifferentpartofLowetakesover,andhepushesmebackintothewall.
“Mate.Mymate,”hegroans,likehehasn’tallowedhimselftothinkofthewordinrelationtohimselfbeforethismoment.Whenhepicksmeupandcarriesmetothebed,theairrushesoutofme.“Mymate,”hesaysagain,voicedeeperthanusual,soroughthatItiemyarmsaroundhisneckandpullhimdown,hopingit’llsoothetheurgencyinhim,thefrantictremblinginhishands.Hisbreathisstaggeredinmyhair,soIpushagainsthisbroadshouldersuntilheflipsusaround.ThenI’mtheonesettingthepace,withlanguid,savoringkisses,andthatvibranttensioninsidehimslowlymelts.
Iinhalethescentofhisblood,headyandpotent.“Ilovethis,”Isay.“Iloveyou.”
Hesucksinanincredulousbreath.Warmthcrawlsintomystomach,upmybackbone.Ipulloffmyshirt,andhefollowsmeeagerlywithhishandsandhismouth.Henipsatmycollarbone,sucksatmynipples,nibblesatmybreasts.WitheverytouchIfeellikewe’reslowlybeingweldedtogether—untilhestops.
Hislongfingersflexaroundmyhips,impossiblytight,thengolimp.
Whenhepullsbacktolookatme,hislipsaredarkred,eyesstarkandclear.
“Wemightneedtostop.”
Ilaugh,alreadyoutofbreath.“IsthisanotherboutofAlphaWereguilt?”
“Misery.”Hestops.Lickshislips.“I’mreallywoundup.We’vebeenapart,andyousmellsodamngood,andyousaidsome..intoxicatingthings,likethatyou’reheretostay,andI’mclosertotheedgethan—”
Ilaughagainsttheedgeofhisjaw.“Okay.Beforeyoudevolveintomoreself-loathing,letmejustsay,I’mgoingtodrinkyourbloodagain.Okay,Lowe?”
Hehissesalow“Fuck,”andnodseagerly.
“Andwe’regoingtohavesex.”
Hishipspressagainstmine.Ourbreathshitch.“Okay.Okay,”herepeats,suddenlydetermined.Gatheringhisself-control.“Icanstop.I’mgoingtostopwhen—”
“You’renotgoingtostop.”Ikisshischeek,tightenmyarmsaroundhisneck,andthenwhisperinhisear.“Whenyour…knothappens,you’regoingto…”Tie?Hitch?Bind?Iwillneedabettervocabulary.“Dothatinsideme.”
Lowesqueezesmetohischest.“IfIhurtyou—”
“Thenyou’llhurtmeabit.LikeIhurtyouwhenIfeedfromyou,sinceI’mrippingyourskin.Andthenafterafewminutesitgetsreallygoodforme,andIthinkitdoesforyou,too.”
Hisonlyanswerisadeepgrunt.Itseemsinvoluntary,andIkisshislowerliptoavoidlaughing.
“It’sgoingtobeokay.Ifit’snot,we’lltalkaboutit.Wearedifferentspecies,butthisislong-term,andweshouldbehonestaboutourwantsandneeds,andit’sclearthatyouwantthis,andprobablyevenneedit—”
Hecloseshiseyes.Likehereallydoesneedit.
Butmostimportantly:“Andthethingis,Iwantyouto.It’sdifferent,Iwon’tdenythat,andmaybeitwon’tworkgreat,buttheideaofitiskindof…”
“Weird?”
“Actually,Iwasgoingtosay…”Mymouthisdry.“Hot.”
Iseehispupilswiden,andthenit’sadonedeal.Lowe’sself-controlsnaps,andI’munderneathhim.Myclothescomeoffwithfrenziedtugs,thenhisfollow,andIrememberthefirsttimewedidanythingthatapproachedthis.Hisrestrainedhesitationinthebathtub.Icanbarelyrecognizeitinthewayhetouchesme,thewayhishandshapesmylowerbacktoarchmybodyintohislikeanoffering.
Webothmeantoeaseintothis,buthe’sharderthanIthoughtandI’mwetterthanheexpected.Ittakesverylittle,justafewthruststhroughmyfolds,butwe’reonthebrink.Thebluntheadofhiscockisbumpingagainstmyclit,andwhenhepullsback,it’scaughtagainstmyentrance,readytoslidein.
“You’resowarminside.Sowet,justformyknot.”Hepressesakissatmytempleandwhisperssomethingthatcouldbesoft.Thenhepushesdeepinsideme.He’sbiginastretching,satisfyingwaythatringsfaintalarmbellsinmyhead.Isquirm,feelingpinned,impaled,andit’sthereadjustmentwebothneed.
Heslidesintothehilt.
Iarchup,slappingmypalmsagainstthemattress.
Ourheartsstopatthesametime,andthenresume.Minewithlaggingthuds.His,abeatingdrum.
“Misery.Iwanttoliveinsideyou.”
Hegathersmeinhisarms.Iliftmychintokissthecornerofhismouth,andwedon’teaseintothesex.Lowepullsallthewayoutandthenthrustsbackinsideinanuneven,poundingrhythm,withoutpacinghimself.Lasttime,hetriedtomakeitlast.Thistimehe’shurtlingheadfirstintowhat’scoming,andmybodymightnotunderstand,butitrespondsenthusiastically.Hisgazeholdsmineashefucksme,thepressureofhishipsspreadsmeopen,andwhenmyeyesflutterclosedIsurrendertothepleasure.Hepantsintomyear,thingslikegoodandokay,garbledtalkthatdoesn’tmakesense,becausehe’swellbeyondthought.Myinternalmusclestightentokeephiminsidelonger,squeezingaroundhiscock,andthatliquidheatI’mnowfamiliarwithclimbswithinme.
Andthensomethingchanges.Lowepumpsonce,twice,sohardthatmyhandsslipoverhissweatyshoulders.Thecrescendoofheavybreathingstopsabruptly,andmyeyesopen.
Iexpecttofindhimworriedagain,tohavetoreassurehim,buthiscontrolhasunraveledpastthat.Hecommands,“Eyesonmine,”andthereisnouncertaintyinhisvoice,justtheknowledgethatthisishowit’ssupposedtobe.Icannotspeak,soInod.Henodsbackandrasps,“It’sstarting.”
AmomentlaterIfeelanimpressionofimmensepressure.Hefillsmeslowly,thrustinglanguidlyonce,twice,untiltheswellingatthebaseofhiscockistoobigtoslidebackout.Thenhe’sshaking,gruntingfromdeepinsidehim.Irunmyteethdownhisneck,andhemoans,cradlingmyfacetohisthroatandmyhipstohisgroin.Thebulgeofhisknotgrowslargerandlarger.
Ifeelstrange.Full.Nice.Imightevenfeel…
“I’mgoingtodoit,Misery.I’mgoingtocomewhereI’msupposedto.”Hisvoiceisbarelycomprehensible.“I’mgoingtopopaknotinyourtightlittle—”Asuddenshift,andthepressureincreases.Loweiscoming,hisorgasmapowerfulthingthatneitherofusisreadyfor.Hetriestogetdeeper,evenwhenthere’snowheretogo,evenpastthemomentwhereIthinkhispleasureshouldhaveended.Imakemyselfpliantandwelcoming,untilheseemstorecoverenoughpresenceofmindtosay,“Mybeautifulmate.Takingitsowell.”Anotherwaveofpleasurecrashesoverhimashespurtsinsideme,andhisneckstrainsback,eyesglazed.
Icirclemyhips,testing,tugging,andfindthathe’slodgedintome,andwe’retetheredtogether,andyes,itfeels…
“Good,”Isay.Justontheedgeofpain.Butalso,I’mabeingmadeofheatandsensation.Mymusclestwitch,andheexhales,stillshudderinginsideme.Thespasmsofhisclimaxcontractinghisbigbody.“Thisissogood.Ijust…”
Itfeelssonice,Ineedmorecontact.Morefriction.Ineedhimtomoveevenifhecan’t.Itrytofuckmyselfoverhisknot,butthereisnogive.Itrytosqueezearoundhim,andLoweletsoutabreathlesslaugh.Heseemstorecoverhimselffromthedazeofhisorgasm,justenoughtoshushmeandreachbetweenus.
Ittakessolittle,justabrushofhisthumb,andthenI’mcoming,too.Myeyesrollinthebackofmyhead,andI’veneverfeltanythingsoviolently,madly,painfullygood—
“Lowe.”I’mscaredofhowintenseitis.Butheletsoutawordlessgroan,bitesmycollarbone,andIknowhefeelsexactlylikeIdo,thepleasurebrutal,pulsating,impossibletostop.
“Mybeautifulmate,comingallovermyknot.We’regoingtodothiseveryday,”hehusksinmyear.“Andwhenyou’reready,I’llbiteyouwhereitcounts.I’llleaveascar,andI’lllickiteverymorningandeverynight.Okay?”
Inod.Wild,bottomlessecstasypulsessweetlyinsideme.Itworks,Ithink.Wework.ButIdon’tbothersayingit,becauseit’sobvious.InsteadIask,“What—whatnow?”
HeshuddersandflipsusuntilI’mdrapedontopofhim.Hishandsshakeslightlyashetracestheswellofmyback.Hisnailsfeel…no.Imustbeimagining.“Now…”Hecloseshiseyesandarcheshiships,asiftryingtogetdeeperinsideme.I’mnotcertainitworks,buttheknotdragsbeautifullyagainstmywalls.Itridesanexquisitelinebetweenpleasureandpain,andtriggersmorespasmsonmyend.Thenonhis.“Fuck,”hemuttersbriefly.Andoncehecanspeakagain,hegrowls,“Now,everythingishowitshouldbe.IhaveyouwhereIwantyou.”
“Howlong?”
“Idon’tknow.”Hekissesmytemple.“Alongtime,Ihope.”
“So,ifIreallyneededtoleavetomakeanimportantphonecall…”
Hisgriptightensonmyhipssosuddenly,Inearlylaugh.Lowemovesdowntomylips,kissingmedeeplyforamoment.“Areyousureitdoesn’thurt?”
“No.It’s…”Extraordinary.FantasticOddlybeautiful.“IthinkIlikeWeresex.”
“NotWeresex.”Hiseyesholdmineforalongbeat.“Matesex.”
Ifeelmyselfsmileattheword.“Isthisgoingtohappeneverytime?”
“Idon’tknow,”herepeats,handcominguptopushmysweatystrandsback.“ThewayIfeel,Ican’timaginethatitwon’t.”
“Becausewe—”IstopwhenInoticehishand.MostofitisstillinHumanform,buthisnailsarehalfwaytoturningintoclaws.
“Sorry,”hesays,sheepish.Iwatchhimmakeaconcertedefforttoretractthem,amazedbyhisbody.Thewayitfeelsinsidemine.Thethingsitcando.“I’mnotasincontrolasIshouldbe.It’sallreally…”
“New?”
“Good.Likenothingelse,ever.”
“IstheresomethingWeresusuallydo?SomethingIshouldbedoing?”
Helaughsinsilentastonishmentandshakeshishead.“Iftherewere,Iwouldn’tknow.Iwouldn’twantit.Youareperfect,andI…”Hisfingersslidebetweenus,pastthesweatofourbellies,makingmetwitchwithmorepleasure.Mymusclesflutteraroundhim,andinresponse,Ifeelmoreliquidfloodinsideme.Andwhenthenewwaveofpleasureisover,andI’mgaspingontopofhim,IrealizethatLoweistouchingmewherewe’rejoined.Wherehiscockhaslockedinsideme.Likeheneedstactileproofthatthisisreallyhappening.
Whenheturnsusonoursides,oneofmylonglegshikedontopofhis,Icanfeelhiscomedripoutsideofmeevenpastthesealofourbodies.Themesswe’remaking,ofthebedandofeachother.Somehow,itseemslikeagoodthing.
Outside,thewavescrashagainstthelakeshore.Lowe’sfingerswraparoundmycheek.Ifeelthepleasureriseinsidemeoncemore,andIsettleinforthelonghaul.
It’sstillthemiddleofthenightwhenIwakeup.I’mlyingfacedownonthebed,mycheekburiedinapillow,feelinglimpandwrungout,asthoughalifetime’sworthofsensationhasbeencrammedintoandthensqueezedoutofmybody.
It’ssurprisinglylovely.
Loweisnexttome,proppedononeelbow,touchingmealloverinawaythatseemshalfdistracted,halfcompulsive.Travelingthedipthatjoinsmyshoulderblades.Followingtheroundcontoursofmyass.Combinghisfingersthroughmyhairandtracingthetipofmyear.Cuppingrightbetweenmylegs,uncaring,ormaybeexcitedbytheslickmessheleftthere,eagertopushhisspendbackinsideme.
Iletmyeyelidsflutteropenandobservehimobservingeverycurveandangleandslopeofmybody,entrancedbytheentrancedlookinhiseyes.Heisfocused,lostinthesimpletouch,andseveralminutespassbeforeheglancesupatmyfaceandfindsmeawake.Hissmileisatoncereservedandhesitantandproudandluminous.
Iwanthim—Iwantthiswithhim—somuch,soforcefully,it’sequalpartsterrifyingandsoaring.
“Hi.”
Ismileback.Withfangs.“Howlongdidittakeforitto…?”
“Aboutthirtyminutes.”Heleansovertotrailopen-mouthedkissesacrossthelineofmyshoulder.Hishandcurvesaroundmyassashemurmursintomyear,“Youdidsogood,Misery.Itcan’thavebeeneasy,butyoutookmesowell.Likeyouweremadeforit.”
Bloodrushestomycheeks.Ishift,savoringtherichsorenesswithinmybody.“ConsideringhowbusyyouarewithAnaandyourpack,wemighthavetoschedulesex.”
It’smeantasajoke,buthenodssolemnly.“Pencilmeintoyourcalendar.”
“WhataboutearlySundaymornings?Beforetena.m.though,orI’mgoingtocrashonyou.”
“Fuckthat.Savetwohours,everyday.”
Ilaughandstareatthegreenflushthatlingersonhissharpcheekbones,marveling.Mine,Ithink,happy,covetous,greedy.It’sanewfeeling,belonging.Owning.
“DidIhurtyou?”heaskssoftly,andIlaughoncemore.
“DoIlooklikeIhurt?”
Hehesitates.“Itlastedalongtime,anditworked…maybeitworkedalittletoowellforme.Inearlyblackedoutforawhilethere,andIdoubtIwasatmymostobservant.”
“No,Idonothurt,Lowe.”Iholdhiseyesandaskevenly,“Whataboutyou?”
Hislookiswithering,andIfeellikelaughingagain.HeandI.Together.Thegreatestthingofalltimethatnevershouldhavehappened.
“Serenamightcomelookingforme,”Isay.“Idon’twantherrecentlytraumatizedselftostumbleuponaninterspeciessexmomentandgetevenmoretraumatized,so—”
“She’shalfWereandhalfHuman,”Lowesays.Iwatchhimcuriouslyuntilhecontinuestomakehispoint.“Unlessawholelotofhybridspopoutofthewoodwork,she’sonlyevergoingtohaveinterspeciesrelationships.”
“Oh.”Itrytothinkthroughtheimplicationsofit,butIhavetogiveup.Mybrainismushy,mellowwithremaindersofpleasure,andaloudsortofquiet,andthescentofLowe’sblood.“Eitherway,Ishouldshower.”
“No,”hecommandsbrusquely,inhisAlphavoice.Hismusclescoil,likehe’sgettingreadyforafight.Thenhemustrealizetheridiculousnessofhisreaction,becausehescruncheshiseyesshut,throatworking.
Itiltmyhead.“Youusedtobeokaywithmetakingbaths.”
“It’sdifferent.Thereisalotgoingon.”Hepointsathishead,butthenlooksdownathisbody.Alotgoingoninsideme,hemeans.“Idon’tthinkI’mgoingtobeabletoletyououtofmysightforacoupleofdays.Orweeks.”Hesoundsunapologeticandremorseful—acombinationIdidnotthinkwaspossible.“Andrightnow,yousmelllikeme.Likeyouwouldn’tbelieveit,Misery.Yousmelllikemefromtheinside,andeverydamncellisscreamingatmethatmakingyouthatwayisthebestthingI’veeverdoneinmylife,maybetheonlygoodthing,andIcan’tletyou—”
“Lowe.”Ishiftuptomyelbowsandleanforwardtokisshimonthemouth,stoppingthetorrentofwords.“Willyoucometakeashowerwithme?”Ipullbackandsmile.“Thatway,youcanreplacethescentrightaway,andyoudon’tneedtoletmeoutofyoursight?”
Thetensioninstantlyleaveshisbody.Hiseyessoften.“That,Icando.”
Hecarriesmetohisbathroom,andthewarmjetofwatersoothesmeasmuchashishandsfollowingeverydrop’sjourneyonmybody.Iclosemyeyes,tipmyheadback,andlethimtouchmeinthatcompelled,absorbedmannerthatappearstobehisnewnormal.Heseemstohaveacceptedthis—us—effortlessly,unconditionally,butIcannothelpbutwonder.
“Lowe?”
“Mmm?”
“SinceI’myourmate,andsinceIdon’treallyplanto,youknow,letgoofyou…you’llneverbeabletodothiswithaWere,”Isaywithoutopeningmyeyes.“You’llnevergetthehardwareexperience.”
Hissoapypalmslathermyskin,lingeringtoolongonmybreasts.“AnyideaofdoinganyofthiswithaWerediedthenightImetyou.”Ihearthedismissalinhiswords.Whatheaddsisamurmur,moreforhimselfthanforme.“Therewouldn’tbeanyoneelse,anyway.Evenifyoudidn’twantme,Icouldn’t.”
“ButthefactremainsthatIhavewaymorelimitationsthanyou.Isitgoingtobeweird,thatwe’renevergoingtogoforaruninwolfformtogether?Thatwe’llnevertakeawalkinthesun?Haveamealtogether?We’llevenhavetofigureoutasleepschedulethatfitsforbothofus.”
Histhumbandforefingerclosearoundmychinandraiseit,gentlebutdetermined,untilI’mforcedtomeethiseyes.“No,”hesimplysays.It’samorepotentreassurancethananylongspeechorvehementdenial.Thenhepushesastrandofhairbehindmyears,andleansforwardtosuckatoneofthosespotsonmyneckthatseemtobehismagneticnorth.Hehumsandsoftlybeginstoscrapeoveritwithhisteeth.
“Youcangoahead,then,”Itellhim.
Henipssoftly.“Mmm?”
“Biteme,ifyouwant.”Ifeelhisbroadcheststiffenagainstmine.“LikeallthematescarsI’veseen.”
Adeep,resonatingrumblerisesfromhischest.Forabriefmoment,hisgriptightensonmywaistalmostpainfully.Thenheletsgo,lookingasthoughhe’smadeofsteelandrestraint.“No.”
“IfyouthinkI’llchangemymind—”
“Idon’t.Butnotnow.”
“Notnow.”
“Therearerituals.Customs.Thingsthatmeansomethingtous.Tome,”headds.“Iwanttoseeyouinthoseobsceneceremonialmarksagain.Iwanttoputthemonyou.Alone,thistime—Idon’tfuckingneedanyonearoundtoseeyoulikethatandgetanyideas.AndwhenIfinallybiteyou,itwon’tbeonyourneck.”Heletsoutaruefullaugh.“Nothingasdignifiedforus,Misery.”
Oh.“Where?”
Hispalmroundsmythroat.Cupsmynape.Thepadofhisthumbtracesdownmyspine,justoneortwovertebrae.“Here.IthinkI’llbiteyouhere.”Hesaysitlikeit’sasecret,filthyplanhe’sbeenworkingonforawhile,andthenletsoutarueful,frustratedsound.“You’llwearyourhairup,andpeoplewillseeit,andtheywillknowthatItookmybeautifulVampyrebridethewaywolvesdo,andthatshelovedit.Andyouwillbegoodformeandletme,won’tyou?”
Iwouldletyourightthismoment,Ithink,butdon’tbothersayingit.IknowLowebynow,andthethingshe’saccustomedtodenyinghimself.
“Ilookforwardtothat.”HispupilswidenasthoughIjustpromisedhimrichesbeyondallcomprehension.Hedeservestheworld.Hedeserveseverythinghe’severwishedfor.“Inthemeantime,wouldyoulikemetobiteyou?”
Heswearssoftlywhenmymouthreachesforoneoftheglandsatthebaseofhisthroat,andthenwhispers“Fuck,yes,”whenmyteethpierceintoit.Irunmythumbovertheglandontheotherside,feelinghisshuddersandhearingtheechoesofpleaseandmoreandtakeallyouneed.Lowewashardbefore,butnowIcantastehisimpatienceinthecopperofhisblood,andwhenheslideshisfingersdeepinsideme,whenhisbreathbecomeserraticandheordersmetocome,comerightnowsohecanfuckmeagain,Icanonlyletmypleasurerollthroughmybodyinsubsumingwaves.After,hepicksmeupandpressesmeagainstthetiledwall.Iwrapmylegsaroundhishipsandwelcomehimbetweenmythighs.
Hepushesinside,andthistimeit’saseasyasinadream.Ifeeltheburningstretchandletmynailsdrawhalfmoonsonhissolidback.Ican’tbelieveyouoncethoughtthiswouldn’twork,Ialmostsay,almostlaugh,buthisbloodtastestoogoodtostopdrinking,andI’mmindlessfromthesensationofhimdeepinsideme,evendeeperthanbefore.
“Youlikethis,don’tyou?”hewhispersintomyskin,andmyrespondingsqueezearoundhiscockhashismouthfallingopenagainstmyshoulder.“Fuck.Icanfeelitalready.Icanfeelitswellingagainalready—Misery,canyou—?”
I’mtoobusyfeastingonhisbloodtotellhimhowmuchIcan,howmuchIwantit.Icanshowhim,though.Isuckharderathisglandandhegroansandpoundsintomesohardandsodeep,foramomentneitherofuscanbreathe.
ThenIfeelthefirstfluttersofpleasurecoursingthroughmybody,feelLowe’sknotquicklyexpandinsidemeandtiemetohim,andunderthebalmyjetofthewater,Ismileintohisvein.
OceanofPDF.comEPILOGUE
Lowe
Shemakeslotsof“youareofficiallycondemnedtoalifetimeofMisery”jokes,andLoweisn’tsurehefoundthemfunnyatfirst,letalonenowthatit’sbeenaweekofhavingherback,buthecannothelpbeingdelightedeverysingletime.
Evenashesighsandshakeshisheaddisapprovingly.
“Totheright.Actually,totheleft.Actually,justletmedoit,”shegrumbles,stealingthehammerfromhishand.They’rehangingapictureonthewallofwhat’stobecomeAna’sroomonceagain.It’ssilly,somethingLowedrewoffthecuffyesterday,becausethat’swhathe’sbeen:Spontaneous.Inspired.Happy.
Agiant,Godzilla-likeSparklestoweringovertheHollywoodSign—thathappenstospellLILIANA—isnotLowe’susualartisticfare.Andhedidn’tthinktheresultwasthatgood.Butwhenhelefthissketchpadopenonthekitchencounter,MiseryandSerenagotaglimpse,andhiseveryprotestwasmetwithrolledeyesandaccusationsthathewasfishingforcompliments.Assoonasthesunwentdown,theystolehiscaranddrovearoundforhoursjusttofindtheperfectframe.
Andwhiletheyweregone,LowemovedMisery’sboxestotheadjacentroom.She’lljustbeinLowe’s,sincethat’swhatmakesthemostsense.
Justbewithhim.
Hismate.
Withhim.
Hehasn’tquitegottenusedtotheidea.It’spossiblethatwhenitcomestofeelingsliketheoneshehasforMisery,bigandoverwhelmingandall-encompassing,accustomingisnotsomethingthathappens,ever.Therawpreciousnessmightneverwearoff.Andwheneverhedwellsonthefuture,thepossibilities,hisheartbeatalwayspicksuplikeit’sinaraceagainstitself.
AndMiseryalwaysnotices.
“What’supwiththat?”sheasks,wordsmumbledaroundthenailbetweenherteeth.“Cardiacevent?”Shegiveshimasidelookwithherprettylilaceyes.Herprofileissoft,delicatelinespunctuatedbythedramaticpointsofherearandteethandchin.Itnearlyknockstheairoutofhislungs.
Hedoesn’tknowhowtoanswerher.Sohejustmovescloser,trailingahandupherbackwhileshehammersintothewall.Whenthat’snotenough,hewrapshisarmsaroundhertorso.Inhalesherexhilarating,mind-bendingscent.Closeshiseyes.
Hewasn’talonebeforeher.Ifsomeonehadasked,hewouldn’thaveadmittedtobeingunhappy.Hehadapackandasistertoseeto,thingstobepassionateabout,friendshe’dgivehislifefor.Heneverthoughthewasmissinganything.Butnow…
He’snotsurehedeservesthewarmthofhiscurrentlife,buthe’llkeepitanyway.
“Hi,”Miserysays,asthoughtheyhaven’tbeentogethertheentireevening,sincetheverysecondshewokeup.Shesetsthehammerandnaildownonherdresser.Herpalehandcurlssoftlyaroundhisforearm.Hefeelsdeep,groundinghappiness.
“Hey,”hesays.
Shestartstracinglettersintohisskin,andhewantstotellhertoslowdown,tospellthewordsagain.ButthenhepicksuponanL,andaV,andaY,andhethinksthatmaybehecanguess—
“Thepesthasarrived,”shewhispersexcitedlyasacarpullsupthedrivewayunderthewindow.Miserywrigglesoutofhishug,andLoweswallowsasullengruntthathe’snothismate’sfirstandonlypreoccupation.Thenhefollowsherdownstairs.
Hehasn’tseenAnaforovertwoweeks,buthissisterbarelygiveshimaperfunctoryhug,toobusyshowingMiresyandhernewfriendSerenathenewcarrierUncleKoenboughtforSparkles.
Lowebitesbackasmileandwalksoutsidejustashisclosestfriendgetsoutofhiscar.“Thankyou.Ioweyouone.”
Koensnorts.“Bro,youowemeten.AndnotbecauseofAna.”
“Whatelse?”
“Emeryhasbeenblowingupthefamilychat.Amongotherthings,apparently.”HeshrugsatLowe’sliftedeyebrow.“What?Toosoon?”
Lowesighsandgestureshiminside.“Comein.I’llcatchyouupontheshitshowofthepasttendays.”
“Veryexcitedtohearallabout—”
Onesinglestepinsidethehouse,andKoenhaltsasthoughhejustwalkedintoapileofbricks.Hispalmreachesforthewallinsearchofsupport.
“Whatthehell?”Lowestaresathimwithafrown.Whennoreplycomes,heturnstostudyhisfriend.Hisbodyisvibrating,eversoslightly.Hispupilscontract,liketheyoftendowhenaWereisonthebrinkofshifting.Andhiseyes…
LowefollowsKoen’sgaze.It’strainedonasmallfigurecrouchedonthelivingroomfloor.She’scurrentlyscratchingthechinofapurringSparklesandmurmuringapologiesathim.
Serena.
Koen’sgazeremainsthereforalongtime,asthoughcaptured,ormaybeunwillingtoletgo.
“Well,well,well,”hedrawls.Hisvoiceisgruff.Toodeep.“I’mfucked,allright.”
UnderstandingimmediatelydawnsonLowe.
This,hethinks,isgoingtobeanissue.
OceanofPDF.comACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Guys,we’redoingbulletpointsagain.Iwouldliketothank:
Adriana,Christina,andLo,forholdingmyhandatComic-Conandencouragingmetowritetheslightlyunhingedbookofmyheart.Publishingisscary,andIfeelsoluckytohaveyou.
Myagent,Thao,andmyeditor,Sarah,whodidn’tjustletmewritemyknottybook,butfullyembracedit.Neitherofyouknowtherealcolorofberries,butIloveyouanyways.
LizSellers,theassistanteditorofeveryone’sdreams,whoalwaysmakesmefeellikeI’mingreathands.
Mypublicists,KristinCipollaandTaraO’Connor,forbeingsuperpatientandforputtingtogetherthebesttour.Ideserveyouguyslesswitheachbook,butI’msogladIcantalkaboutTaylorSwiftwithyou.
Mymarketers,BridgetO’TooleandKim-SalinaI.Amillionthanksforeverythingthatyoudo,everythingyoudon’taskmetodo,andeverythingyouhelpmedobyholdingmyhand.You’rethebest,soIwon’tstealyourIllumicrateeditions.
RitaFrangieBatourandVikkiChu,fordesigningthecover(Iwassoobnoxiousforthisone,andyetnoonehascometomyhousetomurdermeyet;thankyouforyourmercy),andofcourseLilith,forbeing,asusual,themosttalentedillustratortoevergracethisplaneofexistence.
EveryoneatBerkley.Ihadthebesttimevisiting,andI’msogratefulforhowincrediblywelcomingeveryonewas!Inparticularmymostheartfeltloveto:mygrandeditorCindy,forbeing,quitefrankly,themostformativeinfluenceonmebeforeweevenmet;mygrandpublicistErin;Carly,forcallingmybook“deliciouslyfilthy”andmakingmyentireyear;Gabbie,foraskingifmybookhadknottinginitandmakingmefeelseenandunderstood;ClaudiaColgan,forbravingafrigidandhazardouswinter.
Myproductioneditor(JenMyers),managingeditor(ChristineLegon),copyeditor(JenniferSale),andinteriordesigner(DanielBrount).SosorryImadeyoureadwhatyouhadtoread.
MySpanishandMexicanpublishers.SpecialthankstoMarinaandLauraatContraluz;Gerardo,forthebestdinnerofmylife(S.stilltalksaboutiteveryday);andNorma(Iamso,so,sosorryaboutthatthing).
Myauthorfriends,myfandomfriends,mySDLAfriends,myBerkletefriends,mybooksellerfriends,myadoptivefamilyfriends,myfriendfriends.I’mamess—thankyouforputtingupwithme.
Mysister,forbeingcoolaboutstuff.
AO3andtheOrganizationforTransformativeWorks,formylifeandmysanity.
Myhusband.We’renowfivebooksin,andI’mstartingtoowesomereal,not-backhanded-insult-ythankstohim,whowillfindoutaboutthemwhenhismothersendshimapicoftheGermanedition.ThankyouforagreeingtokeepSouthernEuropeanmealtimes,forcleaningthecatpooperswhenI’mondeadline,andforbeingproudofmeevenwhenI’mnot.Asusual:IYDIGKM.
Iwouldnotliketothank:
Ticketmaster.
OceanofPDF.comJustinMurphyofOutoftheAtticPhotography
AliHazelwoodisthe#1NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofLove,TheoreticallyandTheLoveHypothesis,aswellasawriterofpeer-reviewedarticlesaboutbrainscience,inwhichnoonemakesoutandtheeverafterisnotalwayshappy.OriginallyfromItaly,shelivedinGermanyandJapanbeforemovingtotheUStopursueaPhDinneuroscience.WhenAliisnotatwork,shecanbefoundrunning,eatingcakepops,orwatchingsci-fimovieswithherthreefelineoverlords(andherslightlylessfelinehusband).
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Bride-Ali Hazelwood

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