RecklessASmallTownSecretBabyRomanceElsieSilver
Copyright?2023byElsieSilver
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MaryPickfordContents
ReaderNote
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Chapter31
Chapter32
Chapter33
Chapter34
Chapter35
Chapter36
Chapter37
Chapter38
Chapter39
Chapter40
Chapter41
Epilogue
BrazillianStroganoffRecipe
HopelessSneakPeek
BooksbyElsieSilver
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthorReaderNote
Thisbookcontainsdiscussionsaboutmiscarriageandinfertility.ItismyhopethatI’vehandledthesetopicswiththecaretheydeserve.1
Winter
“Ican’tfathomwhyyoufeeltheneedtogoworkatthatdingylittlehospitalinthecountry.”
IusedtothinkRobwasaniceguy.
Now,Iknowbetter.
“Well,Robert,”Idrawl,usinghisfullnametopisshimoffasIshoveafinalsweaterintomyoverfullsuitcase.“I’mnotsureifyou’reaware,buttherearehumans—realliveones—wholiveinthecountrywhoarealsoinneedofmedicalattention.”
Ican’tfigureoutwhyI’mpackingsomuchforasingleshift.WhenI’minChestnutSprings,IliveinscrubsintheERandinleggingsinmyhotelroomatnight.
“Thanksforclarifying,Winter.”There’sabitingtonetohisvoicethatmightmakesomepeopleflinch.Butnotme.AdarkpartofmetakesimmenseprideinthefactIknowexactlyhowtopissoffmyhusband.MylipstwitchasIstruggletocontainmysatisfiedsmile.
“Butwhythathospital?WhyChestnutSprings?You’reconstantlytakingoffoutthereandyoudon’teventellmeyou’releaving.Cometothinkofit”—hescrubsathischininadramaticfashionwhileleaningupagainstthedoorframeofmybedroom—“youneverevenconsideredmyopiniononwhetherIwouldwantmywifetakingthisjob.Thisisn’tasmartcareermoveforyouatall.”
Everytimehewhineslikeachild,IfindmyselfwonderingwhatitisabouthimIeverfoundattractive.
I’mnotsurewhenthedimpleonhischinbecamerepulsivetome.Onlythatitis.Thewayhepartshishairtothesidewithalittleswoopthatdoesn’tevenmovewhenit’swindyusedtomakehimappearsuaveandputtogethertome.
Nowitlooksfake.
Likesomuchofmylifewithhimhasbeen.
I’mfairlycertaintheonlyreasonhestylesitthatwayisbecausehe’stoovaintoadmithe’sbalding.
Andnothingmakesaman’smasculinityshrivelupanddieformequitelikecomplainingaboutawomanexercisingherprofessionalindependence.Hemightaswellstomphisfootandstormoutlikeatinychauvinisttoddler.
Ireachforthezipperandforceittogetheragainstthebulgingcontentsofmysuitcase.“It’sfunny,”Istart,ensuringthatIkeepmytonecoolandeven.“It’salmostlike…youaretheverylastpersonIwouldeverconsultaboutmylife.”
Withahuffofair,Ifinallyslidethezipperintoplaceandstaredownatthehard-shellcase,proppingmyhandsonmyhipsandlettingasatisfiedsmiletouchmylips.
“Whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean,Winter?”
Thewayheaddsmynametotheendofeverysentencefeelslikehe’stryingtoscoldme.
Joke’sonhim.Iwon’tbescolded.
He’sblissfullyunawareofwhatittakestonavigatethemedicalsystemasayoungfemaledoctor.IfIletmenasweakasRobsteamrollmeontheregular,Iwouldn’tstandachance.
AndthiscareeristheonlythingI’veeverhadthat’smine.So,hecanfuckallthewayoff.
Flippingonehandover,Igazedownatmyneglectednails,tryingtolookboredbyhim.I’mwonderingifIcanfindagoodplaceforamanicureinChestnutSpringswhenIreply,“Don’tplaystupid.Itpairssopoorlywithwhining.”
Ican’thelpbutaskmyselfwhyI’mstillmarried.IknowwhyIthoughtIwasstickingitout.Butnow?Now,Ijustneedtobuckupandgetitdone.Iglancebackdownatmysuitcase,packedlikeI’mleavingforalongasstime,andwonderifmysubconsciousknowssomethingIdon’t.
Maybethatbitchisputtingherfootdownandbreakingmeoutonceandforall.
I’mnotaverse.
“Watchyourfuckingtonewithme.”
MyeyesnarrowonmycuticlesasIstruggletobitedowntheragebubblinginsideme.Hotmoltenlavasimmeringbelowthecoolsurface,justwaitingtoeruptallovertheplace.
ButI’vekeptthatatbayforyearsnow.IwillnotletDoctorRobValentinebetheonetomakemeerupt.
He’snotworththeenergy.
Ishiftmyeyestohimacrosstheroom.Myroom,becausewhenItoldhiminnouncertaintermsthatIwouldn’tbesleepinginthesamebedashimanylonger,hedirectedmetotheguestroomratherthanmovinghimselfout—likethetruegentlemanheis.
Eventhoughhe’stheoneatfault.
He’sthereasonwearewhereweare.
AndtheworstpartisIlovedhimonce.Hewasallmine.Asafeplaceformetolandaftergrowingupinwhatfeltlikesomesortofdomesticcoldwar.
Iletmyguarddownwithhim.Ifellsodamnhard.
HebrokemyheartfarworsethanI’lleverletanyoneknow.
Idon’trespondtohim;instead,Igrabthehandleofmysuitcaseandshovepasthisleanframe,headingtowardthefrontdoorofoursprawlingten-thousand-foothome.
Ihearhimfollowing.Dressshoesagainstmarble.Andofcourse,hedoesn’toffertocarrymysuitcase.
Awrysmiletwistsmylips,andIshakemyheadatthethoughthe’dbothertoliftafingertohelp.ThehardestthingformetoacceptwiththeimplosionofmymarriageisthatIdidn’tseeitcoming.ThatIcanbesmart,andaccomplished,andstrategicineverythingIdoyetstillallowthisassholetoblindsidemeisjust…humiliating.
Beingswindledthiswayirksmetonoend.
Icanfeeltherageradiatingoffofhimasheseethesbesideme.AndIjustcarryonserenely,slippingmysockedfeetintoapairoftallleatherbootsandwrappingalong,brownwoolcoataroundmyself.
“Seriously,Winter?You’renotevengoingtodignifymewithananswer?”
Imethodicallytiethecoatbeltaroundmywaist,decidingIhavezerodesiretodignifyhimatall.
Theproblemis,Robknowsmewell.We’vebeentogetherforfiveyears,whichmeansheunderstandshowtopissmeofftoo.
Hiseyestraceovermyface,takingonaviciouslittleslant.“Ilikedyoubetterwithlighterhair.”Hispointerfingersweepsovermyhead,judgingthedarkerstreakstoppedwithawarmertone.He’salwaysbeenobsessiveaboutmehavingthesilveryblondehair,tellingmehowmuchhelovesit.“Thisnewcolorisn’tasappealing.Itlooksdirty.”
Buttheroottouch-ups,thepurpleshampoo,andthedeepconditionerweretoomuchworkforanexhaustedresident,whichiswhyIrequestedmystylistputinlowlights.
Iblinkacoupleoftimes,likeIcan’tquitebelievehehasthenervetoactlikethewayIcolormyhairisapersonalslighttohim.
ExceptIcan.Becausethisyearhetookhismaskoffandshowedmealltheentitleduglinessunderneath.
“That’sfunny.IlikedyoubetterwhenIthoughtyouhadn’tgroomedmylittlesisterandthenfuckedherover.”
Hescoffs.Scoffs.“That’snothowitwas.Shewasobsessedwithme.”
Mynosewrinkles,smellingthebullshitwaftingoffofhim.“Amucholderdoctorsaveshisunderagepatient’slife.Useshisphysicalappealandpoweroverhertogethereatingoutofhishand.Becomesaherotoher.Then,assoonassheturnseighteen,startsfuckingheronthedown-lowlikeshe’ssomesortofdirtysecret.Andwhenhemeetsherolder,moreappropriatesister,hedropsherlikeastoneandmarriestheonethatwon’tcosthimhisjobforamedicallicenseviolation.Oh!”—myfingershootsupintheair—“except,here’sthekicker.Hedoesn’tgiveupontheyoungeronequiteyet.Hestalksherandharassesher,sabotagingeverynewrelationshipofhersjustbecausehecan.Ormaybeitmakeshimfeelbetteraboutthatrecedinghairlinehetriestocoverup.”
Myangerswirls,butI’mtheonestirringmypotbygivingintohimatall.
Hisarmscrossandheglaresatme.Allgoldencoiffedhair,brightblueeyes,andKen-dollgoodlooks.“YouknowIneverlovedher.”
White-hotragelancesthroughme.EverythingaroundusblursasmyeyesfocusontheassholeImarried.Itrytokeepmyvoicecool.Yearsofpracticingthisfacadehavecarriedmethroughthemostheart-rendingofmoments.Ihavethisactdownpat.
ButtodayIstruggle.
“Youthinkyouneverlovinghermakesitbetter?That’smybabysisteryou’retalkingabout.Theonewhoalmostdied.Andyoufuckedheraroundforyears.Andme?Idon’tthinkyou’veeverlovedmeeither.”
Mywordsechointhespaciousfoyeraswestareeachotherdown.
“Ihave.”
Ihave.That’shisproclamationtome?
Ilaughbitterly.“Whothefuckareyoukidding,Robert?Doyouevertireoflying?Oftryingtokeepyourstoriesstraight?Thejigisup.Iseeyou.YoumademebelieveIhadsomethingIneverdid.Youplayedme.”
Hedoesn’tcorrectme.Hejustglares.Itshouldn’thurt,butitdoes.
“Forwhatyou’vedonetome?Iamindifferenttoyou.Forwhatyou’vedonetoher?Ihateyou.Iwouldn’thavetouchedyouwithaone-million-footpoleifI’drealizedthetypeofmanyoureallyare.Foolmeonce,neveragain.That’sthenewsaying.”
Withthat,Itugmysuitcaseupandspinonmyheel,flingingthedooropensoharditsmashesintothewallbehindit.IhatehowfiredupIam.HowoutofcontrolIfeel.ButIholdmychinup,pressmyshouldersdown,andwalkoutofthathousewithalltheplacid,unaffectedcomposureIcanmuster.
“Doesthatmeanyou’releavingme?”
Howcansomeonesoeducatedbesostupid?Ialmostlaugh.Ikeepwalking,pattinghimontheshoulderlikethedogheisasIpassby.“Usethatfancymedicaldegreeandfigureitoutforyourself.”
“Youdon’tevenlikeher!”heyellsinawhinytonethatscrapesdownmynecklikenailsonachalkboard.“Yougonnarunbacktoherandbegforforgivenessafterwhataroyalcuntyou’vebeentoheralltheseyears?Goodluckwiththat.I’llbeherewhenyoucomecrawlingback.”
ButIdon’tdignifyhisjabswithasingleglanceback.Instead,Ifliphimthefingerovermyshoulderandtakesatisfactioninknowinghe’swrong.
Thathe’snotassmartashethinksheis.
AndI’mnoteither.Ifeelverysmallandverystupidrightnow.
BecauseIlovemysister.
Ijusthaveafucked-upwayofshowingit.
***
IhopeIdon’tdienowthatI’mtakingsomecontrolofmylifeback.
Iwanttostartfresh.AndyetI’mterrifiedtodoitatall.
ChestnutSpringsGeneralHospitalisonlyanhourawayfromthehouseIlivein,sowhydoesitfeellikethelongestdriveofmylife?
Istartedtakingshiftshereafewmonthsago,soIcouldmakethedrivewithmyeyesclosed,buttodayit’ssnowinghardenoughthatI’mwhite-knucklingthesteeringwheel.
I’malsostillstewingoverlosingmycool.
Robstartedthatfightbysayinghecouldn’tfathomwhyI’dwanttoworkatthisdingyhospital,andIwasn’tinclinedtotellhimthetruth.
One,thatworkinginahospitalwhereI’mnothiswifeandmymother’sdaughterisarelief.Icanpracticemedicineandtakeprideinmyworkwithouthavingtocontendwithallthewhispersandpityingglances.Withoutthatshithangingovermyhead.
Becauseeveryoneknows,butnoonetalksaboutit,andthatapproachtolifeiswearingonmysanity.Iknowhoweveryoneseesme.I’mnotoblivioustoit.Theymightnotspeakit,butIhearitloudandclearallthesame.
Adoctorwhogotherpositionatthehospitalthroughfamilyconnectionsandmarriage.
Awomanwhoisunapproachable,cold,andunhappy.
Awifewhoispatheticenoughtoignoreherhusband’sbetrayal.
Andtwo,becauseI’veneverwantedtobearoundmysistermorethanIdonow.Whenshewassick,Iusedtosneakintothehospitalandcheckonher,readherchartsoIknewhowshewasdoingeventhoughIwasstillonlyinuniversity.Andnow?Now,IlookatmylittlesisterandallIseearetheyearsImissed.
Iseeawomanwholivedinmiserytosavemealittleofmyown.
Itwouldseemwe’rekindredthatway.
She’shappynow,engagedtoamanwhosehairisfartoolongbutwholovesherinawaythatI’llneverexperience.ButI’malsohappyforher—godknowsshedeservesalittlepeace.Sheleftherlawdegreeandsecurejobatourfather’ssportsmanagementfirmintherear-viewmirrortorunagymandliveonapicturesquelittlecountrybumpkinranch.
Iadmireher.
ButIhavenoideahowtomendtheriftbetweenus.So,Itookapart-timepositioninthesmalltownshe’slivingin,hopingImightrunintoherandfixthingsorganically.
Ihavethisrecurringstoryinmyhead,onethatcropsupallthetime.Imustbetryingtomanifestitorsomeshit.
Init,she’sstrollingdownthesidewalk,andIbumpstraightintoherasIexittheadorablelittleParisiancoffeeshoponMainStreet.Shelooksshockedtoseeme.Iofferherawarmsmile,anditisn’tforced.Then,Ihikeathumbovermyshoulderandsay,“Hey,you,uh…wannagrabacoffee?”inacasualandcharmingwaythatwillmakehersmilebackatme.
Ofcourse,I’dhavetospendtimesomewhereotherthanthehospitalorhotelforthattohappen.ButIkeepslinkingbetweenthetwosafetyzones,tooscaredandtooembarrassedtofaceher.
“Fuckit,”ImumbleasIsniffandsituptaller,eyeslaser-focusedontheroad.“Siri,callSummerHamilton.”
Thebeatofheavysilencethatgreetsmeisladenwithyearsofanticipation.
“CallingSummerHamilton,”theroboticvoicereplies.Theformalityisajabtothechest.Mostsisterswouldhavesomecutenicknameprogrammedintheirphone.PerhapsI’dcallherSumifwewerefriends.Asitisnow,Imightaswellincludehermiddlenameinthecontactlisting.
Thephonerings.Once.Twice.
Andthenshe’sthere.“Winter?”sheasksbreathlessly.Mynameisn’tanaccusationonherlipsthough.It’s…hopeful.
“Hi,”Isaystupidly.Noamountofeducationormedicaltextbookscouldpreparemeforthisconversation.Sinceeverythingblewupinthehospitalthatday,I’veplayedoutthisconversationinmyheadamilliontimes.I’velaidawakeatnightpreparingmyself.
Anditwasn’tenough.
“Hi…areyou…areyouokay?”
Inodwhilethebridgeofmynosestings.I’vebeenawfultoSummerovertheyearsandherfirstinclinationistoaskifI’mokay.
“Win?”
Isuckinadeepbreathofair.Win.Fuck.Thatnickname.Shejustfallsintoitsoeasily.IabsentlywonderhowI’mnamedinhercontacts.Ialwaysimagineditwas“EvilHalfSister”orsomethingalongthoselines.
She’sjustsofuckingnice.Italmostmakesmenauseousthatsomeonecouldbethisnicetomeaftereverythingthatwe’vebeenthrough,afterhowcoldI’vebeentoher.
Idon’tdeserveSummer.ButIwantto.Andthatcomeswithbeinghonest.
“No.Idon’tthinkI’mokay,”Isay,tryingtocoverthehitchinmyvoicebyclearingmythroat.
“Okay.”Icanimaginehernoddingrightnow,rollingherlipstogether,mindwhirringasshetriestosolvethisproblemforme.That’sjustwhosheis.Afixer.
Imightbeadoctor,butSummerhasalwaysbeenahealer.
“Whereareyou?Doyouneedmetocomeandgetyou?Areyouhurt?”Shepauses.“Oh!Doyouneedlegalhelp?I’mnotpracticinganymore,butIcould—”
“CanIseeyou?”Iblurt.Andnowitseemslikeit’sherturnforstunnedsilence.“I’monmywaytoChestnutSpringsalready.Icould…Idon’tknow.”Araggedsighdragsitswayupmythroat.“Buyyouacoffee?”Ifinishlamely,glancingatthedigitalclockthatshowsit’salready6p.m.
Hervoicecomesthroughthephonealittlethick,alittlesoft.“Iwouldlovethat.Butcouldwedowineinstead?”
Aknotoftensionunfurlsinmychest,oneIdidn’tevenknowwasthereuntilnow.AndnowthatI’venoticedit,Ican’thelpbutfeellikeit’sbeenthereforyears.
“Yeah.”Myfingerspulseonthesteeringwheel.“Yeah.Wine.Good.”
Isoundlikeafuckingcavewoman.
“We’rehavingafamilydinneratthemainhousetonight.Therewillbeabunchofpeople.I’dloveifyoucametoo.”
Mythroatclogsuncharacteristically.ThisbrandofkindnessfeelsforeignafterlivinginasterilebubblewithRobandmymomforsolong.Thisbrandofforgiveness…Idon’tknowhowtoreacttoit.
SoIjustrollwithit.SeemsliketheleastIcando.
“Canyousendmetheaddress?”
***
Inmyhastetopickupmypackageandgetthehelloutofthecity,IignoredmygastankforaslongasIcould.Nodoubtcuttingitdangerouslyclose.WhichonlyaddedtomyanxietythefartherawayI’vegottenfromthatcitylimit.
So,IgiveinandstopforgasinChestnutSpringsbeforehittingthesketchybackroadmyphonemappedouttotheranch.
AsIstandhere,freezingandwishingI’dwornmoreappropriateoutdoorwinterclothing,Iletalltheworrycreepinthroughmycarefullyerectedwalls.
WorryoverseeingSummer.
WorryoversittingdowntodinnerwithabunchofpeoplewhonodoubtthinkI’maheinousbitch.
Worryoverthesnow-packedroads.I’veseentoomanycaraccidenttraumasrollintotheERlately.
WorryovermycareerandwhatthehellI’mgoingtodo—whereI’mgoingtoland.
Hilariously—albeitadarkhilarious—IfeelnexttonoconcernoverthethoughtofleavingRobforgood.I’vestrungthatoutforalongtime.I’vethoughtaboutit,analyzeditfromeveryangle.
Ikeptthinkingofdivorceasafailure.Butleavingtonightdidn’tfeellikefailing.
Itfeltlikerelief.LikesomeonehasbeenstandingonmychestandIfinallygotmyshittogetherenoughtopushthemoff.Mymusclesaretiredfrompushing,andI’vegotsomebumpsandbruisesfromthefight.
Leavinghurt,butIcanfinallybreathethroughthepain.
Isighadeep,heavysighandwatchmybreathpuffoutfrombetweenmylipsintoasmokylittlecloud,moreobviousundertheneonlightsthatflooddownoverthegasbays.Thetipsofmyfingersgofromtinglingtodownrightnumbinamatterofseconds,wherethey’rewrappedaroundtheredplastichandle.IbounceonthespotandlookupwhenIhearabelljangleatthedoorofthegasstation.
Themanwhowalksoutthroughtheglassdoorisallswaggerandbroadshoulders.Darkhair,darkereyes,lashesthatmaketheblondegirlinmealittleirritated.He’ssmirkingdownatthelottoticketinhishand,likehethinkshe’sgoingtowin.
Icouldtellhimhe’snotgoingtowin.Thatit’sawasteofmoney.ButIgetthedistinctimpressionthisisthetypeofmanwhodoesn’tcare.
He’sgotunlacedboots,jeansstackedaroundthetops.Acoupleoflongsilverchainsadornhischest,disappearingunderaplaidbutton-downthatisopenjustalittletoofar,aheavyknitcardiganslungcarelesslyoverthetop.
He’ssexywithouteventrying.Eventheweatherdoesn’tseemtobotherhim.Ibetherollsoutofbedaftersleepinginyesterday’ssocksandjustshovesthembackinthosewornleatherboots.
Ibethishandsarerough.Ibethesmellslikeleather.AndafterthemanI’vespentthelastseveralyearswith,I’munabletotearmyeyesawayfromtheruggedappealofthemanbeforeme.
I’vestaredathimsolong,sothoroughly,thatthegaspumpmakesaloudclankingnoiseasitbumpsbackintomypalm,signalingthetankisfull.
Thenoiseofitdrawshisattentionmyway,andheturnsthefullforceofhissexappealonme.Thesquarejawdustedwiththeperfectamountofstubble,toppedoffwithlipsthatarejustwastedonaman.Thewayhelooks?It’sabsurd
Idropmyheadquickly,fumblingwiththepumptogetitlatchedbackinitsholder.Mytongueswipesatmylips.
Igetthedistinctsensethatthesexylumberjackiswatchingme,butIdon’tglanceuptosee.There’saflutterinmychestandaheatinmycheeks,oneIhaven’tfeltforavery,verylongtime.
BecauseIwasactuallyhappilymarried.AndnowI’m…not.
Ithink.
AndthisisthefirstmanI’veletmyselflookatinappropriately.Amanwhocan’tbothertotiehisshoesandplaysthelotto.
“Ugh,”IgroanatmyselfasIapproachmydoor,suddenlyalotlesscoldthanIwasbeforeIsawhim.
ButasI’mabouttoslideintomyseat,Ipeekbackovermyshoulderattheguy.
Theonestandingathissilvertruck.
Theonewho’sstillwatchingmewithaknowingsmirkonhisface.
Theonewhorunsahandthroughhisperfectlytousledhairandwinksatme.
I’minmycarandoutontothedarkroadlikeashot,gettingawayasquicklyaspossible.
BecausetheverylastthingIneedinmylifeissomeonewhomakesmefeellikethere’snotenoughoxygeninmylungswhenI’veonlyjustcaughtmybreath.2
Theo
TheblondewomanstaredatmelikeIwassomesortofalien.Ihadtostopandstarebackbecauseshewassofuckingblatant.
IwasreadytocrackajokeabouthowobjectifiedIfeltbythewayshewasoglingme.Butthenshelickedherlipsonce,blinked,andshotoff.Whichisashame,becauseIlikedthewayshegawkedatme.Iwasn’tfeelingobjectifiedatall.Ifshe’dlookedmeintheeye,allbetswouldhavebeenoff.Icouldhavegivenhersomethingtoreallystareat.
Ididn’tbecomeabullriderbecauseIcan’tstandanaudience.Theshow,thecrowd,therecognition—Ithriveonit.Iwasbornintoit.GabrielSilvaisarguablyoneofthemostfamousWorldBullRidingFederationridersofalltime.
Andheisn’tjustmyidol.He’smydad.
Was?Ineverknowhowtorefertohim.Hestillfeelsverypresenttomeeventhoughhediedsolongago.
AsIswingupintomytruck,Ichuckletomyself.IknowthestunningblondeinthefancyAudiwillcrossmymindfromtimetotime.Becausetherewassomethingunusuallywholesomeaboutthatinteraction,likeshewasateenagercaughtgawkingandgotembarrassedaboutit.I’dfeelbadforherifIdidn’tfeelsobadformyselfthatsheranoffbeforeIcouldgethernumber.
IhitthedarkenedroadheadingouttoWishingWellRanch.I’vecomeouthereenoughtimesovertheyearsthatIknowwhereI’mgoing,whetherit’sdarkornot.Mymentor,RhettEaton,livesouthere,andwithmymomandsisterlivingaprovinceaway,hisfamilyhasbecomealittlelikemyownovertheholidays.
I’dusuallyheadtoMom’splaceforChristmas,butshetookasinglescruisewithmylittlesistersotheycouldbothmeetMisterRight,Ithinktheycalledit.
AndthoughImightbevery,verysingle,Ihavezerodesiretopartakeinthatshitwithmyfamily.
Hardpass.
ThereareplentyofsinglebucklebunniesoutontheWBRFcircuitformetopassthetimewith—boringastheendlessseriesofmindlessfuckshavebecome—thatdon’trequireinvolvingmymom.
Nottomentionthewholeboatthingfreaksmeout.
Putmeonanangrybull?I’mfine.
Putmeonabigboatwithnolandanywhereinsight?Hardpass.IsawanOprahepisodeaboutpeoplewhogomissingonthose,andI’mtooyoungandprettytodie.
Withinafewminutes,thereareredtaillightsaheadofmeandI’mgainingonthemquickly.Reallyquickly.
“Comeonnnn,”IgroanintothequietcabofmytruckasItipmyheadback.
Yeah,it’ssnowing,buttheroadsarehard-packedandnoticy.Ifinallycatchuptothecarandrealizejusthowslowthey’regoing.Thirtykilometersanhour.Inafifty.Andthisisn’tevenaschoolzone.
It’swhenIgetcloseenoughthatIrealizeit’sthesmokeshowintheAudi.Ishouldhaveguessed.Theheeledbootsandthelongcoatdidn’tscreamcountrygirl.
Andneitherdoesthewayshedrivesabackroad.
Thesignallightflicksleft.Thevehicleslowsandthenspeedsup.
Thesignallightflashesright,andthecarswervesalittle.
Maybeshe’slost?Ordrunk?IsometimeszoneoutlikeshedidstaringatmewhenI’vehadafewtoomany.
ThenIgetcloseenoughtoseethelightofhercellphonethroughthebackwindow.
Perfect.Textinganddriving.Thischickisgonnakillherself.Orme.
Maybeifwesharedahospitalroom,Icouldgethernumberafterall.Mightbeworthit.
Whensheslamsthebrakes,Istartleandhonk.
“Seriously!”Ishout,myheartrateratchetingup.Idon’tcarehowhotsheis.She’safuckingterribledriver.
Sheshootsforwardbutslowsagain.Ibackoff,notwantingtobetooclosetosomeonethiserratic.
Butdammit,Iendupthinkingofmymomormysisterlostonabackroad.Igobacktoherbeinglostinsteadofdrivinglikeanassholeonpurpose.Aquickglanceatmyphoneinitsholstertellsmereceptionisofficiallygoneonthisstretch,soshecan’tpossiblybetextinganyone.
Iflashmyhighbeams,thinkingIcanhelpifshepullsover.
Iimmediatelyfeellikeaserialkiller.
Nowomaninherrightmindwouldpulloveronadarkroadtotalktoastrangemanwhoflashedhishighbeamsather.
So,Isettlein,crankmyChrisStapleton,andletmyeyeswanderoutoverthesnow-coveredfields.Allcrispandwhite,reflectingthelightofthemoon,theymakeitseemnotsodarkanymore.Beforelong,I’mapproachingtheturnoffintoWishingWellRanch,whichmeansIcanfinallybidmyterribledrivingtemptressfarewell.
Exceptshesignals.Andturnsintotheranch.
Mymindwhirswithwhatthatmightmean.She’sdefinitelygoingtothinkI’mstalkingher.Andifwe’rebothheadingtothesameplace,she’ssomeoneIknowinaroundaboutway.
Oncethelithousecomesintoview,hercaracceleratesrighttothefrontporch.Shehitsthebrakesandfliesoutofhercar,slammingthedoorandstorminginmydirectionbeforeIcanevengetoutofmytruck.
WhenImakeitout,Ihear,“Areyoufuckinginsane?”
Okay.She’smad.Andshedoesn’tsounddrunkatall.She’sgotherkeyswedgedbetweenherfingerslikeclawsandIinstantlylikethisgirl.
Nopreamble.Justcomesoutswinging.She’stinyandferocious.IfeellikePeterPangettingreamedbyTinkerbell.
“Easy,Tink.”Iofferherasmileandliftmyhandsinsurrender,notwantingtomakeherfeelthreatened.
“Tink?”Hervoicegoesevenlouder.
Iwaveahandoverher.“Yeah,you’vegotthiswholeangrylittleTinkerbellvibehappening.Idigit.”Iletmygazetraceherbodyforonlyamoment,notwantingtoborderonleering.Buthey,fairisfairafterthewayshegawkedatthegasstation.
“You’refuckingnuts,youknowthat?”Shestartsbackin.“Youdrivelikeanassholebehindmeforasolidtenminutes,andnowyoufollowmehere?To…to…checkmeoutandcomparemetoaDisneypixie?”Herarmsflapangrily,andherdaintyfacetwistsupinfury.Alooklikethatcouldincinerateamanonthespot.
Butnotme.
Ishouldn’tprodher.IknowIshouldn’t.ButIfeellikeakidwithacrushwhomocksthegirlhelikestogetherattention.
AndIlikethewaythisonefiresback.
Iwantmore.
“Ithinkshe’sactuallyafairy.Andfortherecord,drivingtwentybelowthespeedlimitisalsodangerousandcouldkillsomeone.Mostlyme.Fromboredom,”Ijoke.
Hereyeswidenalmostcomically,asuresignthatIfailedtolightenthemoodatall.“It’sdarkandsnowy!Idon’tknowthearea.Therecouldbewildlife!Drivingslowlyissafesolongasaback-fortyhillbillyisn’tridingmyassinhissmall-dicktruck,flashinghishighbeamsatme.”
Mylipsclampdownagainsteachother.
Fuck.
Ireallylikethisgirl.
Ishouldstop.Ishouldwalkaway.Ishouldchannelmymaturityandnotflirtwithherbyinfuriatingher.
ButI’vealwaysbeenalittlereckless.
“Ihearthatifyouwantyourassridden,asmalldickisthewaytogo.SomaybeI’myourguy.”
Mydickisn’tsmall.ButI’mhappytomakesacrificestolandagoodjoke.Onlyasmall-dickeddudewouldmissthisopportunity.
Ishouldn’thavesaidit,butthepureshockthatpaintsherprettyfeaturesmakesitallworthit.She’ssofiredup;Ijustcan’thelpmyself.PlaywithfireandI’llbetheretopourgasolineonitforyou.
Herhandshootsupbetweenus.“I’mmarried,youfuckingpig.Nowleave.”Herhandflipsoutfirmly,pointingdownthedriveway.
Married.Ijustshrug.“Marriedfornow,maybe.”
I’mpersistent.Andthisgirlwasn’tstaringatmelikeamarriedwoman.Notahappilymarriedoneanyway.
It’sRhett’svoicethatdrawsourattentiontothesprawlingwrap-aroundporchattachedtothehugeranchhouse.“Yeah,don’tworry,Winter.We’regonnafreeyoufromthathusbandandburyhiminthebackfield.It’llbelikethatDixieChickssong.RobisthenewEarl.”
Winter.
Winter,asinSummer’ssister?Fuck,that’sastupidcombinationofnamesfortwosisters.Theyshouldhatetheirparentsinsteadofeachother,ifyouaskme.
Iglancebackatthewomanbeforeme,aboutsixfeetaway.Everyonehasdescribedherascoldanddistant.Arealice-queen.
I’veheardthestories.Thedrama.They’vemadehersoundlikesomesortofcriminalmastermind.ButallIseeisafirecrackerwhoneedsmyhelptoworkoutsomeaggression.
AndIwouldn’tbemadathelpingherwiththat.Notevenalittle.I’mphilanthropicthatway.
Winterrubshertempleslikeshehasaheadache.Iconsiderofferingheranaspirinfrommytruck,oranorgasm.Ihearthosehelptoo.
“You’reluckyyoumakemylittlesistersohappy,Eaton,”shesays,soundingutterlyexhausted.
Rhetthumsgood-naturedly,hiseyestakingonthatmelty,druggedlookhegetswhenpeoplesomuchasmentionSummer.Buthedoesn’taddressthat;instead,hesays,“Theo’sjustababythough.Youcan’tcorrupthim,Winter.”
Irollmyeyes.“I’mnotababy.I’mtwenty-six.”
Rhettscoffs.“No,youaren’t.You’retwenty-two.”
Goodgod.DoeshethinkheknowsmyagebetterthanIdo?
“Dude.Iwastwenty-twowhenIfirstmetyouonthecircuit.I’vegottenolder.You’redoingthesamethingmymomdoeswithherpets.Theyhitacertainageandthenshesaysthatthey’rethatsameageuntilonedaytheyjustdie.”
Hechuckles.“Well,I’llbe.You’relikethatstorewiththeskimpydresses.Forever22.”
Ipropmyhandsonmyhipsandsighwithabemusedtwisttomymouth.“Yeah.You’redefinitelygettingold.ThatstoreiscalledForever21.”
Rhettjustwavesmeoff.“Whatever.Ionlyknowabouttheskimpydresses.”
“Areyoutwodone?IneedadrinkifI’mgoingtostayhereallnight,”Wintercutsin,clearlyirritatedbytherouteourconversationhastaken.ThoughRhett’sinterruptiondidsuccessfullyputastoptoourlittlespat.
Sadly.Iwasenjoyingsparringwithher.ShecanholdherowninawayIhaven’tencounteredinanyofmyrelationships.
Ifthat’sevenwhatyoucouldcallthem.
“Ah,yes,Winter,meetmyprotégéTheoSilva.Theo,meetDoctorWinterHamilton,myfuturesister-in-la—”
“WinterValentine,”sheinterruptshimwithastiffcorrection.
“Fornow,”Iadd,winkingather.BecausenowthatIknowwhosheis,Idon’tfeelsobadaboutmakingmyplay.Iknowwhoherhusbandis.AndIalreadyknowIdon’tgiveafuckaboutthatguy.
IalreadyknowWintercandobetter.
AndI’malotbetter,whethersherealizesityetornot.
Shegivesmethemostdramaticeyerollandwalksinmydirection.Istickmyhandout—becauseMamaraisedagentleman—butshejustwalkspast,glaringatmewitheyesbrightbluelikethebottomofaflame.Iturnmyheadtoholdhergazeasshedrawsevenwithme,shouldertoshoulder.
Shedoesn’ttakemyhandthough.So,Irollwithit,swipingmyhandthroughmyhairwithawink.
ThesamewinkIgaveheratthegasstation.
Ourlittlesecret.
“Callyourdogoff,Eaton.”Shekeepswalking,onlyaddressingRhett,likeI’mnotevenhere.
Butgoddamn,Iloveachallenge.
Iturnwithaloud,“Woof!”asIwatchherpetiteframeslipintothebrightlightofthewarm,bustlinghouse.
Rhettislaughing.Atme.Notwithme.“You’reanidiot,Theo.”
Ishakemyhead.“Dude.IthinkI’minlovewithyoursister-in-law.She’ssofiery.”
Nowit’sRhettshakinghishead,likeheknowssomethingIdon’t.AndIfollowhimintothehousebecauseIwanttoknowmore.
IwanttoknowmoreaboutWinterValentine.
Likewhenthatdivorceishappening.3
Winter
Rob:SayhitoSummerforme.
***
Iwalkintothebighouse,moreunnervedthanwhenIleftthecityacoupleofhoursago.Theprospectofwalkinginhereatall,theshittyroads,thatallpalesincomparisontothebeautifulinfuriatingmanstandingoutsiderightnow.
IswearIcanstillfeelhimstaringatme,hiseyesroamingovermybackappreciatively.Itmakesmecarrymyselfjustalittlebittaller.
Patheticasitsounds,it’snicetohavesomeonelookatmethatway.
Oflate,I’vegrownmoreaccustomedtolooksofdisdainandlooksofpity.AndwhenRoblooksatmeinawaythatIknowmeanshisdickishard,itjustmakesmyskincrawl.
Thisisdifferent.IwantTheotoadmireme,butIalsowanttokickhimintheshins.
Thesoundofabustlingkitchendrawsmedownthehallwayintothewarmlylitlivingspace.Huntergreenwallsandwide,darkfloorboardsmakethespaceeffortlesslycozy.Thevoicesareallhappy,andthelaughterisn’tforced.
There’snomarble,nostarkwhitekitchen,noechowhenpeopletalk.
It’sweird.
Ipauseatthethreshold,strickenbytheenormityofwhatI’mabouttodo.It’slikegettingthehellawayfromTheoSilva—thesexybullridermaniacdriver—andhisperfectbonestructurepushedmethisfar,andnowI’mbetweenarockandahardplace.
Mythroatworksintimewithmyfingersastheycurlandsqueezeintomypalms.Liketheinertiafromthesmallmotionswilljusttipintotheroom,thespectacleforeveryonetosee.
Thefirststeptowardmakingthingsright.
“Allgood,Winter?”AfirmpalmlandsonmyshoulderandIglanceupintothescragglyfaceofmysister’sfiancé.It’snotthatheisn’thandsome,he’sjustso…unpolished.He’slikeabig,happy,manlydogthatneedsadayspentatthegroomer.
Iofferhimatentativenodbeforepeekingbackaroundthecorner.
I’mnotallgoodthough.I’mafuckingmess.ButIwon’tshowit.IfeelsafewhenI’mcomposed.AndthesecondsetoffootstepscomingupbehindRhettbelongtoamanwhomakesmefeeldistinctlynotcomposed.
“It’sgonnabegreat.”Rhett’shandsqueezes.“Wantmetogiveyouashovelikeifwewereskydiving?”
NowIshoothimanunimpressedlook.“Nothanks.Icanhandlethis.”
Idon’tknowwhoI’msayingitto.Himormyself?Buteitherway,Istepintothekitchenwithmyheadheldhighandopenwithaconfident-sounding,“Hi,canIhelpwithanything?”
Headsturn,buteyesdon’twiden.Thebuzzdoesn’tcometoacrashinghalt.Instead,therearewaves.Andsmiles.Anda,“Heyooo,Elsa!”fromWilla,whoisproppedinachair,sportingasmallswellatherstomach.
Summerhustlesovertome,hercheeksallrosy.Hersmilesosincere.
Andshesaysnothing.Shejustflingsherselfatmeandwrapsherarmsaroundmyneck,buryingherheadinthecrookofmyneck.Soopenlyaffectionate.
I’mnotusedtoit.Ididn’texpectit.So,Istandalittlewoodenlybeforehuggingherback.HerbodysoftensandasmallsighleavesherlipswhenIdo.
“Iamsohappyyou’rehere,”shewhisperstome.
AndI’mgladnoonecanseemyfacerightnowbecauseI’mscrunchingitupfuriously.DoingeverythingIcantokeepfromfallingapartinthemiddleofanotherfamily’sholidaygathering.
Thatwouldbeoverlydramatic.AndI’mnotbigondramatics.Ijustputmyheaddownandgetshitdone.
Reconcilingwithmysisterneedstogetdone.SohereIam.
“Metoo,”isallIcansaybackbeforeshepullsaway,onehandonmyshoulderwhiletheotherwipesatherbigbrowndoeeyes.They’rethesameshapeasmine,butadifferentcolor.
Webothhaveourdad’sfeatures,butItookafterourmom’scoloring.
“Hi,Winter!”Anoldermancrossesthekitchen,wipinghishandsonhispants,whichmakesthecleanfreakinmewincealittle.“I’mHarveyEaton.Rhett’sdad.It’sapleasuretomeetyou.”
Hesticksalargepalmoutatme,andtryasImight,Idon’tfindasingleshredofjudgmentonhisface.Idon’tknowwhatkindofBradyBunchshitishappeningonthishomestead,butitthrowsmeoff.
“Uh,hi,”IreplyalittletentativelyasItakehishand.“Thankyousomuchforallowingmetocrashyourdinner.”
Themanmakesapfftsoundandwavesmeoff.“You’renotcrashingasinglething.Thisisafamilydinner.You’refamily.Andso,ifmymathisright,you’rerightwhereyoushouldbe.”
Iswearmyjawdropsopen.Whoisthisguy?CowboyNedFlanders?
Hesmiles.Like…anice,normalsmile.Notonethathasmesecond-guessingwhattheactualintentbehinditis.Thenhewalksaway.Backtowhateverhewascooking,likehavingmehereisnormalandnotatallbizarreormonumental.
Family?MaybethisHarveyEatonfellaisalreadyinthesauce.BecauseSummerandIhaven’tfeltlikefamilyinaverylongtime.AndIhaven’tmetasingleotherpersonhere,exceptfor—
“Here.”Anelbownudgesatmyarm,andIsmellhimbeforeIevengiveinandlookathim.Oranges,freshandsweet,mixedwithsomethingspicy.Cloves?Ginger?Hesmellslikemulledwine.
It’sintoxicating.It’smasculine.It’snotbrightandtart,anditdoesn’tstingmynostrils.
Myeyesshiftoverbeforemyheadturns.AndIcanseehishands,roughandcalloused,likeIguessed.Bigandwarm.
Aglassofwineineachofthem.Onered,onewhite.
“Doublefistingtonight?”Itiltmyhead,quirkingonebrowathim.“Thattracks.Youdrivelikeyoualreadywere.”
Onesideofhissinfulmouthtipsup,andI’mstruckbytherealizationthatTheoSilvaknowshowgoodlookingheis.Heprobablypracticeshisanglesinthemirror.“Wealreadyhavesomuchincommon.That’sexactlywhatIthoughtwhenIwasstuckbehindyouforthemostboringtenminutesofmylife.”
ThesmileIgivehimisflat,intentionallybored,asIliftahandandinspectmynails.IfIcouldgoforamanicure,I’dgetawarmbrown.Idon’tcareifit’sChristmas.Redistooshowy.Butitdoesn’tmatterbecausethehospitaldoesn’tallowustohavepaintednailsanyway.
“Well,nowyouhaveawindowintohowwomenfeelinyourpresence.”
“IsthatwhytheyscreamOhTheo,thisissoboring!whenI’minsidethem?”
Isnortandgazeupathim,blushingalittleattheknowinglookinhiseye.
It’sunnerving.He’sunnerving.SoIvolley.HopingIcanwoundhimenoughtomakehimleavemealone.
“Theyjusttellyouthatsoyou’llfinishandstopfloppingaroundontopofthem.”
“Doyouthink?Maybewecouldarrangeatimewhenyoucaninstructmeonhowtoflopless.Idolovetopractice.”
Myeyesnarrowintoaglare.
Leaveittometoattracttheonemanintheworldwhoseemstobeunoffendable.Theonemanintheworldwhowon’tleavemealonewhenIfeelreadytojoinWonderWomanonherwomen-onlyisland.
“Whichone?”Heshovesthetwoglassesofwineinfrontofme,interruptingmydaydream.
“What?”
“Redorwhite?Yousaidyouneededadrink.Iwasn’tsurewhichoneyoulikebetter,soIpouredboth.I’lldrinkwhateveryoudon’t.”
Iamstruckdumb.IwanttomakeajababouthowI’mnotsurprisedatallthathe’lldrinkwhateverhecan.
Heseemslikethetype.Cocky.Handsome.Thinksfartoohighlyofhimself.Itdoesn’ttakearocketscientisttoknowamanlikehimgetsaround.Hereeksofexperience,somethingIamsorelylacking.
BecauseIhadstarsinmyeyesoverRob—untilIdidn’t.
Ieyethewinespeculatively.Isthisconsideredhavingadrinkwithaman?
Robwouldhavebroughtaspecificbottleofwinefromaspecificregionandhaditchilledtoanexacttemperature.Andthenhe’dshoveaglassofitatmeandwhispersomeostentatiouscommentinmyearabouthowthehostshavethecheapestwineouttoshare.
Ireachforward,tentativelytakingthewhitewine.Redwillstainmyteeth,andIalreadyfeelself-consciousenoughbeinghere.
I’mabouttosaythankyou,eventhoughitpainsme,butthetipsofmyfingersbrushbrieflyagainsthisandastaticshockpassesbetweenus.Ithasmyeyesshootingup.MyhanddartsbackfromthewineglassasIcradleittomychest
“Youokay?”Hisbrowsknittogether.
Okay?Ialmostlaugh.It’sjustthedryprairieair.Everythingisstaticky.It’snotlikeIgotshot.Buthe’sgenuinelyconcerned,andthatis…unnerving.
AwordIkeepcomingbacktotonight.Wordoftheday.MylifeisnowSesameStreet,andIamOscartheGrouch.
PrettysureElmojustbroughtmemywine.
Isnagitandwalkaway,planningtotrymyhandatmingling.BecausemuchasIhatetomingle,IthinkIhatestandingtherestaringintoTheoSilva’sdeep,darkeyeswhilebaskinginhiscitrusandgingerscentevenmore.
***
“AnynewsonBeau?”Summerasksfrombesidemeatthehugefamily-stylediningtable.
Harveyclearshisthroatandsitsupalittletaller.“Yeah,yeah.He’sdoingwell,actually.Therearethird-degreeburnsonhisfeet.Theyhadtodoaskingraftandweremonitoringprettycloselyforinfectiontoflarebackup.Buttheupdateyesterdayisthey’reimpressedwithhowquicklyhe’shealing.”
“LeaveittoBeautobefuckinggoodateverything,”Rhettmurmurs,shakinghishead.
Hegetsachorusoflaughsforthatone.Ihaven’tmetthisotherbrother.ThegistofwhatIunderstandisthathe’sinthemilitaryandsomethinghappenedduringhisdeployment.He’snowinamilitaryhospital.
Burnsarenastybusiness.I’veseenmyfairshareintheemergencyroom.Wouldn’twishthemonmyworstenemy.
Well,okay.IwouldRob.I’mnotthatnice.
“We’regonnahavetogethimsetupwithsomedocswhenhecomesbackhome.”
IshrugasIspearabrownsugar-glazedcarrotfrommyplateandtheofferleapsfrommylipsbeforeIevenhaveachancetoshutitdown.“Icanhelpwiththat.”
“Yeah?”Harvey’sfacebrightensfromacrossthetable,andIwonderifbeingniceisinfectioussomehow.
Itwasn’tcoveredinmedschool.Butscienceisalwaysevolving.
MyeyeslockontoTheo’s.He’ssittingrightacrossfrommeandI’mfindingithardnottostare.Thewaythecandlebetweenusflickersagainsthislightlystubbledfaceisdistracting.Andblinkingawayquicklylikeachildcaughtpeekingisimmature.
ButIdoitanyway.LikeI’mrevertingbacktomyteenyearswithsomepopularboywhositsacrosstheclassfromme.
Everythingaboutmetonightissooutofcharacter.Ioptnottoanalyzeitwithamicroscope.
“Sure.”Idropmygazebacktomyplate.“Noproblematall.I’dbehappytohelpinanywayIcan.”
Summerreachesunderthetableandgivesmykneeareassuringsqueeze.Ilookoverather,wonderinghowtwopeopleraisedinthesamehouseholdcouldhaveturnedoutsodifferently.Opposites.WinterandSummer.Ournamesweren’tjustastupidgimmick,theyactuallyrepresentedussomehow.
ButIknowtheanswer.Ourparentsneversplitfromeachother,theyjustsplitupeverythingaroundtheminstead.Oneteamversusanother.
Igotmymom.Summergotourdad.
Rhettpipesupnow,talkingaboutagameofChristmasshinny,andhowheandSloaneclearedtheiceforit.Sloane,thedaintyblondesittingbesideHarvey,launchesintoastoryaboutasimilartimesheandJasperplayedatsomeotherfarm.
Andshe’stalkingaboutNHLsuperstarJasperGervais.Oneofmydad’sclients,andthemanwhoissittingbesideher,staringatherlikeshecanshootrainbowsoutofhervaginaorsomething.
Idon’teventhinkhe’slistening.He’sjuststaringatherlikeshehungthemoon.Ithurtstoseehisexpression.Ihatefeelingjealous,butsomuchofwhatIseeheretonightfillsmewiththatdark,bitteremotion.
Icouldburstwithit.
NotlikeIbegrudgeanyoneelsewhattheyhave.It’smorethatIlongtohaveittoo.
ItmakesmerealizewhatI’vemissedoutonalltheseyears.ItmakesmerealizeallthethingsIdon’thave.
ThethingsIneverwill.
Fortherestofthenight,Iobserve.Ipullbackabit,feelinglikeanoutsider.Everyoneissocontent.AndI’mso…not.
It’salmostlikewatchingbacteriagrowinaPetridishthroughamicroscope.Icanseeithappening.Icanunderstandwhyit’shappening.Icangetcloseenoughtotouchit.ButI’mstilljustlookingthroughthelens.Studying.
We’veallretiredtothespaciouslivingroomareaaroundaroaringfire,andI’msittinginanimpossiblycomfortablearmchairwhenTheosauntersup.
Again.
He’sfuckingrelentless.
He’sonlyafewfeetaway,eyesnarrowedinonme,allconfidentswaggerandsingularfocus.ButWilladrawshisattention.Hereyesdartmomentarilytomine,andIgiveherasmallsmile.IlikeWilla.She’sbeenasistertoSummerinwaysthatInevercould.
AndIthinkI’llalwaysloveherforthat.
“Theo,lady-killer.Howgoesthehuntthesedays?”
Hiseyesstayfixedonmineforabeat,morefocuseddeterminationthanplayfulnonchalance.Suddenly,Iwanttoknowwhatthehellhewasabouttosaytome.I’vebeenavoidinghimallnight,andWillaisperceptiveenoughtohavenoticed.Buthertimingisallwrong.
“Willa.Howareyoufeeling?Hasanyonetoldyoulatelythatyou’reglowing?”Hesidestepsthequestionsoeffortlessly.Soplayfully.Evenshecan’thelpbutgrinandrollhereyesathim.
ThereissomethingirresistiblycharmingaboutTheo.Somethingboyishandfun.He’snotjadedyet.Perhapsthat’stheappealofamanwhoseoutlookonlifeappearstobe“glasshalffull”whenI’ma“glasshalfempty”kindagalmostdays.
It’sCade,theoldestEatonbrother,whostompsupandflopsdownbesideWilla,drapingapossessivearmoverhershoulders.“Leaveittoyoutohitonapregnantwoman,Theo.”
Everyonelaughs,evenTheo.ButIseethewaythebackofhisneckstiffens,likethejokehadsomebitethatnooneexpected.Likehe’sforcinghimselftoholdhisheaduphighwhenhedoesn’tfeellikeit.
IknowbecauseIdothattoo.
“Jesus,man,she’scarryingyourbabyandlivinginyourhouse.Whatdoyouneed?Yournametattooedonherforehead?I’mjustbeingfriendly.”
Rhettwalksinnow.“Yeah,buddy.I’veseenjusthowfriendlyyoucanbe.I’dgosofarastosayyou’reknownforbeingfriendly.”
Theosmilesandrollshiseyes.“Richcomingfromyou,Eaton.”
“Hey…”Rhett’shandscomeup,hisbeerheldinone.“IwasGoldilocks.Alltheporridgewastoohotortoocold.Finallyfoundonethatwasjust—”
Summercutshimoffwithafeignedlookofexasperationonherface.“Pleasedonotfinishthatsentence.Anyanalogythatcomparesmetomushycerealisjust…no,Rhett.No.”
“ButthemaplesyrupIliketoputinitremindsmeof—”
“RhettEaton.”Mysister’seyeswiden.“Controlyourself.”
Hislipstwist,andhisexpressiondripswithsex.It’sborderlineinappropriate,butbasedonRhett’spastbehavior,Ialreadyknowhimtobeimpulsiveandunfiltered.
Iblinkaway,outthebigwindowsandoverthesnowyfarmland.
Snowisstillfalling.
“I’msorry.”TheoisstandingovermewhenIglanceup.IswearIlookbehindmyselftoseeifhejustsaidthattome.There’sadeerheadwithalotofantlershangingonthewall.
Ipoint.“Why?Didyoukillit?”
Hislipslift,andtheskinbesidehiseyesscrunchesupjustalittlebit.“Iwasn’ttalkingtothestag,Winter.”
Otherconversationshavebeguntoflow,andattentionisnolongeronTheo.Instead,it’sjusthisattentiononme.Whichisalmoststifling.
“I’msorryImadeyouuncomfortableonthedrivehere.Itwasn’tmyintention.Like…”Hishandswipesthroughhishair,alltightonthesidesandjustabitlongerontop.Lendinghimasortofsex-mussedquality.“Atall.”
Inodbutcrossmyarmsliketheymightshieldmefromhim.“Okay.”
Histhick,darkbrowspopuponhisforehead.“Yeah?Isthatlike…apologyaccepted?”
“Whatifit’snot?”Iarchonebrowathiminchallenge.AndIalmostdon’trecognizemyself.
AmIflirtingwithhim?
Robhasofficiallypushedmeovertheedge.I’mflirtingwithayoungermanatafamilygathering,notbecauseIlikehim,butjustbecause…itfeelsgood.
Hisfeaturesgoalmostsomber.“Thatwouldbecruelbecausemyself-worthisverytangledupinwhetherpeoplelikeme.Beingwell-likedismybestquality.”
Iblink.Ialmosttellhimthatisnothisbestquality,butthatseemscruel,evenforme.
“I’llbeheartbrokenifyoudon’tlikeme,”headdsashedropstoacrouchinfrontofme.Comingtoeyeleveldoesnothingbutincreasetheintimacyofthisconversation.
Irollmyeyes.“Ithoughtyouwantedmetoacceptyourapology.NowIhavetolikeyoutoo?”
Heshrugs,aplayfulgrinmakinghisdimplespop.“They’rebasicallythesamething.”
Isnort.Thisman.“Theyarenotthesamething.”
Thetipofhistonguedartsoverhisbottomlip,andmyeyesfollowraptly.“Agreetodisagree.”
Istickmyhandoutlikewe’remakingabusinesstransaction,forcingmyfeaturesintoacoolmask.Thesameonethathasservedmesowellalltheseyears.“Iacceptyourapology,”Isay,usingthemostdetachedvoiceIcanmuster.“ButIdislikeyou.”
Hechuckles,andit’sdeepandwarm,allamusedlikeI’mjustachallenge—andnotanintimidatingone.“Icanworkwiththatfornow,”iswhatherespondswithbeforeacceptingthehandshake.
Andwhenourfingertipstouch,there’saflashofelectricityagain.
Butthistimeithasnothingtodowiththedryprairieair.4
Theo
Mom:Youshouldhavecomeonthiscruise.Theweatherisglorious.
Theo:Doyouevenunderstandhowweirditistolookfordatestogetherasafamily?Confinedtoaboat?Iwouldthrowmyselfovertherailing.
Mom:Itseemstomethatgettingalongwiththefamilyisaprettyimportantfeaturewhenchoosingaboyfriendorgirlfriend.NotthatI’dknow.Youneverintroducemetoanyone.
Theo:Idon’thaveanygirlfriendstointroduceyouto.
Mom:Ithinkit’smorelikeyouhavetoomany.
***
Ihaven’tbeenabletotakemyeyesoffWinterallnight.IfeellikeI’mwatchingtheDiscoveryChannel,studyingthemergingoftwopacksofhyenasorsomething.Thechatterinthehousedoesn’tstop,neitherdoesthelaughter.
Nooneistryingtomakeheruncomfortable.Theydon’tneedto.Shedoesitallonherown.
Shewatcheseverymovementsoclosely,andshelistenshard,turningovereverysnippetofconversationinherhead.Andeverytimeshecatchesmestaring,shelooksawaysoquicklythatI’msureshe’sgoingtohaveasorenecktomorrow.
“IthinkI’mgoingtoheadback.”
Isawherworkinguptothisdeclaration.Fiddlingwithherfingersanxiously.Leaningforwardabitwhentherewasalullintheconversation.Herlipswouldpopopen,butthenconversationwouldsurgebackupandshe’dvisiblyshrinkbackinherchair.
Theremarkablecontrastsofthiswoman,removedandborderingoninsecureinonemoment,coolandsnippythenext.Andtothinkshestartedoffallfuckingfieryandflyingoffthehandle.
Shemustbeexhausted.
“Areyouokaytodrive?”Summerasks,alwaysdotingoneveryone.
Winter’sgazedartsoutthewindowwheresnowisstillfalling.
No
“Yeah.I’mallgood.”
Mymolarsclampdowntightly.She’snotallgood.Shewasn’ttwohoursago,andshewon’thavemagicallybecomecomfortabledrivingonsnowy,darkroadsjustbyeatingdinnerandhavingasingleglassofwine.
“Icandriveyou.I’msurewecangetyouyourcartomorrow.”
Shescoffs,rollingouttheiceprincessroutineassheshimmieshershouldersandtipshernoseup.“Thatisentirelyunnecessary.”
Igivehermybestyou’refullofshit,sweetheartlookfromwhereI’msittingontheleathercouchoppositeher.
“Don’tgivemethatlook.”
“Whatlook?”Imakemyfacesuitablyblank.
Herfingersquigglesintheairatmeasalleyesintheroomvolleybetweenus.“Thatonethatsaysyouknowbetterthanme.”
“Inthiscase,Imight.”
Herlipspurse,sodamnprim.“Iguaranteeyoudon’t.I’madoctor.”
“Oh?Didyoutakeaspecialwinterdrivingclassatmedschool?”
“Didyouatbullridingschool?”shesnipeswithsomevenom,butIjustwanttolaugh.
“Don’tberidiculous.Bullridersdon’tgotoschool.We’reluckyifwelearnhowtotieourshoesandbrushourteeth.”Igiveheraflashofmypearlywhites,notcaringthateveryoneiswatchingus.
“Ialreadyknowyoucan’ttieyourshoes.Thehygienepartdoesn’tcomeasmuchofasurpriseeither,ifI’mbeinghonest.”
“Flatteredyoulookedlongenoughtonoticemybootsweren’ttied.AndI’dbehappytoproveyouwrongaboutmyhygienesinceyou’reclearlyveryinvested.”
Hereyesnarrow,andIlaugh.Tryasshemight,shecan’tgetundermyskinbecausethisiswaytoofun.
“It’strue.Rhettwearsmostlypull-onboots,”Summerinterjectswithaslightlyawkwardlaugh,clearlytryingtocoolthetension.
Iwishshewouldn’t.IgetoffonwatchingWinterthaw.
EveryonelaughsasRhettexclaims,“Rude!”
Wintertakesthatopportunitytostand.Shedolesoutanawkwardhugandbackpatstohersisterwhileavoidingeventurningherbodyinmydirection.Therearequietwhispersexchangedbetweenthetwowomen,andIfeelalittletugatthesight.
I’vecometoloveSummerlikeasister,andIknowfromwhatRhetthasdivulgedthatthedistancebetweenherandWinterpainsher.
So,ItellmyselfthatwhatI’mabouttoofferisforSummer,andnotatallbecausethere’ssomethingundeniablyintriguingabouthersister.
“I’mgoingtoleavetoo.”
“Already?”Rhettasks.
“Yeah,meetyouatthegymtomorrow?MaybeSummercanmakeuscry?”
RhettandJasperlaugh,becausetheyknowwhatI’mtalkingaboutfromworkingoutwithher.Summermaybesmallandsweet,butputherinpersonaltrainermodeandshebecomesdownrightevil.Idon’tthinkanyofushavebeeninbettershapethansincewestartedworkingoutatHamiltonAthletics.
“It’snotmyfaultyou’reallsofragile,”shevolleys,spinningtosmirkatus.Yeah,Ithinksheenjoyswatchingusstruggle.
“That’smenforyou,”Wintersaystartlyassheturnstoleavewithoutanotherword.
Hersisterhitsmewithapleadinglook.“Theo—”
Iholdupahandtostopher.“I’llmakesureshe’salright.”
Winterscoffsfromdownthehall,becauseofcourseshehassuperhumanhearingorsomething.AndIjustrollmyeyesatSummer.
“Careful,thatone’sgotclaws,”CadeoffersrightasWillashovesapointyelbowintohisribs.
Igrin.“That’sokay.Ilikehavingmybackscratched.”
***
“I’mnotdrivingwithyou.”
Winterfliesoffthefrontstepsintothestorm,flakesswarmingherlikeshe’slivinginsideasnowglobe.
“Okay.”
“Idon’tevenwanttotalktoyou.”
“Wellthen,stop,”ItellherwithachuckleasIcometostandatthetopofthestairs.
Hermouthopensandthencloses.“Youaresoannoying.”
“Isthatamedicaldiagnosis?”
“I…”ShelooksawayandIswearIseeherlipstwitch.“Goodlord,youareunbelievable.”
Ihitherwithmybestknowingsmile.“Igetthatalot.”
Shebarksoutaharsh,drylaughasherheadtipstofacetheperfectlydarksky.Snowadornsherlasheswhensheturnsherattentionbacktome.“You’realsoconfusing.Whatdoyouwantfromme?”
Thetoneofhervoiceisdifferentnow.Itbleedsexhaustion.FromwhereI’mstanding,shelookssmallandtired,likeshemightlaughorcrybutisn’tsurewhich.
Idon’tevenwanttokeepneedlingher.WhatIwanttodoisgiveherahugandtellhereverythingwillbeokay.Isensesheneedsthatcomfort.
It’swhatI’ddoformymomormysister.
ButIgiveherwhatshecanhandle,whichiscold,hardfacts.“Ijustwantyoutogetbackhomesafe.”
Sherespondswithalaughthatbordersonasobandthenpeersbackupatthenavysky.“Home.”
Ileanagainsttheporchrailingandcrossmyarmsovermychest,watchingher.Givingherspace,butalsonotwantingtoleaveheralone.
“I’mstayingatthehotelintown.TheRosewoodInn.”
“Yeah?”Iquirkmyhead.“Same.”
Thelookshegivesmeisdisbelieving.
“Comeon,Winter.I’mnotatotaldog.Givemesomecredit.WhatifIdriveinfrontofyouandyoufollow?Thatway,ifthereisanywildlife,I’llhititfirst.”
Hereyesroll,butherlipsreiterate,“Follow?”
Ishrug.“Yeah.Andwhenyougetintotown,you’llbefine.Youcanwatchmewalkawayandneverseemeagain.”
Nowherlipsdotipup,butit’spracticed.“Thatholdsacertainappeal.”
“Watchingmewalkaway?Bustedyoudoingthatearlieralready.”IwinkasIjogdownthestairsandhitthebuttontounlockmytruck.
“Youareincorrigible.”
“Oooh!Incorrigible!Greatword.VeryBridgerton.Icouldrole-playthedukeifthat’ssomethingyou’reinto.”
Itugherdriver-sidedooropenandgesturetousherherin,butshestopsinhertracks.Finallylookingamused.“YouknowBridgerton?”
“Yes.Theyeventaughtmehowtoreadatbullridingschool.”
“YoureadBridgerton?”
She’ssoimpressedbymyabilitytoreadthatshestilldoesn’tmove,soIleavethedooropenandcarryontomytruck.IlaughasIhaulmyselfupintothedriver’sseat.“Stolethemfrommymomforteenagedspankbankfodder.”HerrespondinggaspmakesmelaughharderandIcallout,“Let’sgo,Tink!We’reofftoNeverland!”rightasIslammydoor.
Knowingthatnowshe’llfollowmejustsoshecantellmeoffaboutcomparinghertoaDisneyfairyagain.
***
Igoslow.Slowerthannecessary,butiteasesthepressureinmychesttoseeherheadlightsbehindme.Shedriveslikeshe’sneverseensnowbefore,andI’mworriedshe’llhittheditch.ButatleastI’llbeheretopullheroutandcallatowtruck.BetterthansittingatWishingWellRanchthinkingawomanwhoisfarmoreterrifiedthanshe’deveradmitisoutontheroadswhite-knucklingitbyherself.
Thedrivetakestwiceaslongasitshould,andIletoutadeepsighwhenwehitthefirststoplightinChestnutSprings.Theroadswereugly,andIswearIcanfeelherrelieffromtwentyfeetaway.
WhenwepullupinfrontoftheRosewoodInn,IhopoutandstarttowalkawaylikeIpromisedherIwould.IthinkI’veneedledherenoughforonenight.YetIfindmyselfsomewhatdisappointedattheideaofneverseeingheragain.
Agoodsparringpartnerishardtofind.
“Hey,Theo?”shecalls,chintuckeddeepintohercoattokeepthesnowout,warmhoneyhairshiningunderthefloodoflightfromthestreetlamparchedoverher.“Youuh…”Herarmscrossoverherbodyprotectivelyandshedropsmygazeawkwardly.“Thanksforthat.”
Inod.“Ofcourse.Anytime.”
“Anytimetheroadsarebad,Icanjust,what?Giveyouaringandyou’llcomerunningtotherescue?”
“Yeah.Sure.Ifyoueverneedhelp,youcangivemeacall.”
Shelooksmomentarilystunned.“Why?”
Iliftmyshouldersinashrug.“Idon’tknow.Whynot?”
Herlipsrolltogetherasshecontemplatesforseveralseconds.“Butyoudon’tevenknowme.”
“Don’thavetoknowapersontobenicetothem.”
Thewomanseemsgenuinelyconfused.“Isthissomestupidkarmashit?”
“No,it’sentirelyself-serving.IhavethisthingwhereifI’mshittytosomeone,iteatsmeupinside.So,ifI’mjustnice,itmakesmehappy.Beingnegativeisexhausting,yaknow?AndIdon’thavetimetonap.”
“Weird.”
Myheadquirks.“Isit?Youseemtired,Winter.”
“Iam.”
“Tryitthen.”
“Trywhat?”
“Doingsomethingnice.Tryitonforsize.Ifyouhateit,youcanbemeantomeagainandI’llletyou.”
Hereyesroll,butIcanseeherbitingattheinsideofhercheekslikeshe’smullingitover.“Okay,”shefinallysaysonadeepexhale.“Theo,canIbuyyouadrinktothankyouforhelpingmegetbackheresafely?”
“Depends.”IscrubatmychinlikeI’mturningthisofferovercarefully,eventhoughIalreadyknowI’mgoingtotakeit.There’ssomethingdifferentaboutWinter,andI’mnotreadytosaygoodbye.There’sadrawIcan’texplain
WithanyotherwomanIwouldprobablytakeonelookandthinktoomuchwork,butI’meagertogettoknowherbetter.Tofigureoutwhat’sunderneaththaticyexterior.“Arewedrinkingmorewine?”
MaybeIjustfeelbadforher,andI’mbeingextranice,inthespiritofChristmasorwhatever.ButI’mdrawntoher,andnotjustbecauseshe’sbeautiful.
“No.Ithinkit’smoreofatequilakindofnight,”shereplies,surprisingmeasIstarttowardher,inexplicablypulledcloser.
“Whateveryouwant,”IsayasIcomenearenoughtoreachoutandtouchhercheek.Wouldsheflinch?Orleanintoit?Idon’tgetachancetofindoutbecausesheturnsawaytowardthehotellobby.
AndthistimeIdon’thesitatetotouchher.IpressmyhandagainstthesmallofherbackasIusherherthroughthefrontdoorandtowardthebar.
Tequilaisnotmyfriend.
Butforthisgirl,I’llmakeanexception.5
Winter
Marina:IjustspoketoRob.
Winter:Oh,good.Ilovethatheoptedtoairourmaritalissuestomymother.
Marina:Youcan’tseriouslybethinkingaboutleavinghim.
Winter:Afterwhathe’sdone?Yeah,Iam.
Marina:Idoubtyou’lldobetter.Iwouldtoughitout.
Winter:Yeah,Iknowyouwould.Igottogrowupinthathousehold.
Marina:Ifyouleavehimoverthatmongrelsisterofyours,you’rejustlettingherwin.
***
“Mymomisamassive,unforgivablebitch.That’swhereIgetitfrom.”Irestthesideofmyfaceintomyhand,elbowproppedonthetable.“It’shereditary.That’swhySummerissonice.Hermom,Sofia,wasthebest.Idon’trememberherthatwell,butIrememberherbeingfun.Irememberhersmilingalot.Deepdown,Ican’tblamemydadforfuckingthenanny.”
Theowatchesme,rivetedbythestoryofmyupbringing.We’veresortedtosippingourshotsoftequilaaftertossingtwostraightback.
“Andyouknowwhattheworstpartis?Whenshegotknockedup,mymomfiredher.Likeitwasherfaultalone.AndIlovedSofia.Thenannythatcameafterwasmean.Likemymomwasn’tjustpunishingmydadbyhiringher,butpunishingmetoo.”
MostpeoplelookatmewithpitywhenItellthemthisstory.ButTheojustlooksentertained.
“God.IknewKipwasawildcard.Butthis…he’sapig.”Hechucklesoutthelastword,disbelieflacinghistone.
Mydadisatopsportsagent,andapparently,herepresentsTheo.AlittletidbitIdidn’tknowuntiltonight.Iknewhe’dbeenRhett’sguy,andwhenRhetthunguphiscowboyhatorwhateveryousaywhenabullriderretires,hegothisprotégéinwiththemanwhomadehimfamous.
“Yup.”Ipopthepbeforetippingthetallshotglassbackandtakinganothersipthatburnsdownmythroat.Acomfortableandunfamiliarheatbloominginmychest.
Ican’trememberthelasttimeIgotproperlydrunk.RobwouldtellmeIwasn’t“appreciatingtheflavors”ifIdrankhiswinepastacertainvolumeandIwastoodamnbusybustingmyassprofessionallytocutloose.Studying.Pickingupextrashifts.Beingoncall.
Tryingtokeepupwithmymom’sexpectationsofme.
“So,SofiagetspregnantwithSummer.Kiptellsyourmom.”
“Marina,”Icorrect,becauseovertheyearsI’veshiftedtousinghername.OrDoctorHamilton,sincewespendalmosteverydayworkingtogether.“Herdreamisformetobecomeanaccomplishedplasticsurgeonlikeher.IfI’dtakenthatroute,maybeI’dstillbecallinghermom.ButthechaosandunpredictabilityoftheERfeelslikehome.”
“Isthisallreal?It’slikeyou’rerecountingasoapoperatome.SometimesmymomtellsmeabouttheplotforTheYoungandtheRestless,andIswearI’veheardthisbefore.”
Iscoff,wishingmymomwouldcallandtalktomeaboutsomethingasmundaneasasoapopera.ThealcoholhumsthroughmyveinsandIjustkeepgoing,processingoutloudratherthaninmyheadforonce.
“Idefiedherfortheveryfirsttimeinmylife,afteryearsofbeingherpuppet,andsheturnedthatcruelsideonmewithouteventhinkingtwice.”MyheadshakesandTheostaresatmewiththosedarkeyes,lookingalittlestunned.ProbablyhardtoimaginewhenyouhaveamomwhohugsyouandtellsyouaboutherfavoritetrashTV.
“IwonderifthatcruelsideisashereditaryasSummer’sniceside,youknow?Likemaybethatfacetofmypersonalityisjustwaitingtorearitsuglyhead.Idon’twanttobelikemymom,butIworryIalreadyam.”
“Ithinkthefactthatyou’reevenworriedaboutthatmeansyou’renotlikeyourmomatall.”
Itakeanothersip.He’ssweet.I’mnotthatreflectivethough.I’mjustdrunkandloose-lipped.
“Yeah.I’mamess.MarinawouldneverallowherselftoendupwhereIam.”
Hishandslidesacrossthesmall,circularhightop,hisstrongfingerstappingagainstmyelbow.“Hey,hey.Sittingherewithmeisn’tthatbad.”
MyheadtiltsfurtherasIletmygazescanhimlazily,ifalittledrunkenly.“No.Iagree.You’reprettyeasyontheeyes.”
Undernormalcircumstances,I’dcringeatmyselfforsayingthatoutloud.Butnothingaboutsittinginthissmall-townhotelbarisnormal.
“Woah.”Herearsbackalittle,holdingbothhandsup,adramaticexpressiongracinghisperfectfeatures.“Isaidyoushouldgivebeingniceatry,notexcelatit.”
Mylipscurveupslowly.He’sfunny.
ItstrikesmeIhaven’tspenttimearoundalotoffunnypeopleinmylife.
Smart.Academic.Accomplished.
FunnyandnicehavebeenverylowonthelistoftraitsIlookforinthepeopleIsurroundmyselfwith.
“AmIasnob?”Iwonderoutloud,brainhiccuppingallovertheplace.
“Ifyouare,Ilikeit.”
MyeyesrollandIshiftonmystool,feelinglikeImightslidestraightontothefloorifIkeepleaningonthathand.
“Whyareyourollingyoureyes?”Hetosseshisshotbackandsignalstothebartenderforanother.Theman’slipspurseindisapproval,likehethinkswedon’tneedanotherround.AndIalmostlaugh.
I’msotiredofeveryone’scondemnation.
“Youdon’tlikeme.”
“Ido.”Thewayhedipshischinissure.Ithedgesnoroomfordebate.
Itossbackthelastofmytequila,adropletofitspillingoutandlandingonmylip.Foramoment,theworldstopswhenTheo’seyeslandonmymouth.Onthatdropofgoldenliquor.Andwhenmytongueswipesouttoclearitaway,toendhisattention,hisgazeheatsinawaythat’sunfamiliar.
Becausemendon’tlookatmelikethat.
NottheoneI’mmarriedto.
AnddefinitelynotoneslikeTheo.
Thecrashofglassesfrombehindthebarhasallthesoundsaroundusscreechingbacktolife,likesomeonejustjammeddownontheplaybuttonafterhittingpause.
AnervouslaughcrestsmylipsandIglanceoveratthebarwherethetired-lookingbartenderiscleaningupamessofbrokenglassware.
“Ilikeyou,Winter.Asaperson.”Theo’seyesaresointentonme.It’sunnerving.“Whydoesthatmakeyousouncomfortable?”
“Doyoualwaysjustsaywhatyoumeanalloutintheopenlikethis?It’sfuckingweird.”Myeyesnarrow.“What’syourangle?”
“Idon’thaveanangle.I’mjustaniceguyhavingadrinkwithalikeablegirl.”
TwomoreshotsofAnejodropbetweenus,butneitherofusglancesup.I’mtoobusystaringatthepeculiarmansittingacrossfromme.
“You’reamanwhore.Whoisyoungerthanme.Andyoulooklikethat.”Iwaveafingeroverhim.
“AndIstilllikeyou.”
“AndI’manunhappilymarriedtwenty-eight-year-old—”
Theointerruptsmewithaneyeroll.“Mentionourtwo-yearagedifferencelikeitmattersagain,andI’mgoingtomockyoumercilessly.”
Ilickmylips.“Fine.I’manunhappilymarriedwomanwithanentirestoragelockerfullofbaggage.I’mjusttryingtomakeitthrougharesidencythatnooneapprovesof.”
“Iapprove,”hereplies,withoutshoworflash,justsayingitlikeit’safact.
“Youapproveofme.Butyoudon’tlikeme.Thatmakesalotmoresense.”
Hegrinsnow,takingaswigoftheliquor,andmyeyesdroptowatchhisthroatworkasheswallows.Thetawnyskin,thedarkstubble,thepronouncedbumpofhisAdam’sapple.
Whoknewaman’sthyroidcartilagecouldattractme?
“No,Winter.Ilikeyou.StoptellingmeIdon’t.”
AwrylaughtwistsmylipsasIdrinkandinspectthecharminglittlebar.Asortofold-worldVictoriaalluregracesthespace.Aperfectfitfortheelegantboutiquehotel.
“I’mnotlikeable,Theo.Peopledon’tlikeme.Notreally.”Iholdupafingerandgivehimawide-eyedlook,signalingthatnowisnotthetimeforhimtobargeinwithhistongue-waggingnice-guyact.“PeoplerespectmebecauseI’msmart.OrbecauseI’maccomplished.Buttheydon’tlikeme.”
Themanacrossfrommestares.Icanseehimturningmywordsoverinhishead.IttiltsbackandforthasthoughheisconsideringeverythingI’vejustsaid.
“IthinkIlikeyoubecauseyouareaheart-stopping,jaw-droppingtypeofbeautiful.”
Myfacerevealsnothing.NoonehasevercomplimentedmylooksovermybrainsandI…Idon’tevenknowwhattomakeofit.
“Areyoufuckingwithme?”Iblurt.
“Nah.”Heleansbackinhisstool,bicepsbulginginadistractingwayashiseyesperusemewithappreciation.“Idefinitelylikeyoubecauseyou’rehot.Andbecauseyouenunciateyourswearwordssoclearly.Didyouknowthatpeoplewhocursearemorehonestandtrustworthythanpeoplewhodon’t?”
MyjawunhingesandthenIfeelit.It’sforeign,butthere’snostoppingme.Idropmyheadontomycrossedarmsonthetableandburstoutlaughing.ThelaughterhurtsmythroatasItrytosilenceit.ItleaksfrommyeyesnomatterhowhardItrytokeepitin.Itshakesmyshouldersasitovertakesme.
AndthedeepbaritoneofTheo’slaughjoinsme,twistingwithminelikeasymphony.
“ButI’vealsohadalotofconcussions.Somyjudgmentcouldbeoff,”headdsthroughthelaughter.
I’mjustdrunkenough,justwrungoutenough,thatIlaughevenharder.“Fuck,”Igasp,sittingupandwipingatmyeyes.
“Yeah,youneedtogivelessofthose.”
“What?”Ireachforthetequila,needingtolubricatemythroataftermylaughingfit.
“Youneedtogivelessfucks.”
Iofferanexaggeratedshrugandrollmylipstogetherasthealcoholracesstraighttomybloodstream.
“It’slikethis.”Theoreachesoutonetonedarm,grabsmystool,andtugsitaroundthesmallroundtable.Heturnsusboth.Bringingusfacetoface,sotheoutsideofmykneespressesupagainsthisinnerthighs.Thatspicycitrusscentwrapsaroundme.Theurgetoleanforwardandnuzzleintohisneckhitsmelikeatonofbricks.
We’retooclose.
Buthedoesn’tseemtonotice.Hejustturnsandlayshishandsflatonhiswell-builtthighs,alltenfingersstretchedwide.“Pretendyouonlyhavetenfuckstogive—”
“Oh,IthinkIrememberthismathproblemfromsecondgrade.”
Heignoresmyjibeandforgesahead.“Andwhenyourunoutoffucks,you’respent.Wrungout.Stretchedtoothin.”
Myeyesroll.“Goodgod.”
“Butyou’reoutheregivingonefucktoyourmomaboutthecareeryoualreadyknowyouwant,givingonetoSummeroversomeslightthatshedoesn’tseemtoknowexists,givingatleastafewtoyourhusbandwhomakesyoumiserable.”
Hedirectsapointedlookatmethatsaysheknowsthatstorytoo.Ishrinkalittle.
“Ijustwatchedyougivemeafuckoverthatstory,likeI’mjudgingyouwhenI’mnot.So,we’reat…”Webothpeerdownathishands.“Youhavefourfuckslefttogiveandthenyou’reburntout.”He’sonarollnow.“I’mprettysureyougavethatbartenderafuckwhenhehadthatwholejudgy,sourexpressiononhisfaceafterweorderedanotherround.Imean,comeon,Winter.Thatguy?Hejustdroppedanentiretrayofglasses.You’veonlygotthreenow.Why’dyouwasteoneonhim?”
Isigh.“ThisisthestupidestmathI’veeverencountered.Andmegivingpeoplefucksthewayyou’resayingitmakesmesound…”
Hisdarkbrowsrise.“Soundwhat?”
“ItsoundslikeI’mjustoutfuckingpeoplewilly-nilly.”Ilaugh.Ihaveto.“Pleasedon’tsayanythingaboutmegivingmydadfucksforabandoningme.I’llneverrecover.”
“Don’tneedto.Youjustadmittedityourself.”
HefoldsanotherfingerunderandasIwatchhim,IrealizeI’mmirroringhim.Handssplayedontheexpanseofbareskinbetweenmystockingsandtheedgeofmydress,fingerscurlingeverytimeheticksoffafuck.
Twofucksstarebackatme,oneofwhichsportsasimplegoldband.IwearitsothediamondRobboughtmedoesn’tripthroughmymedicalgloves.
IglanceupatTheo.He’swatchingmesocarefully.Hisskinissosmooth,sotan.Hisfeaturessodark.Hispersonaso…fun
Theantithesisofeverythinginmylife.
AndsuddenlyIgiveafuckaboutwhathethinksofmetoo.
Ifoldanotherdigitdownwithoutsayingaword.Hewatchesmedoit,buthiswarmhandcoversmine,abrushofhiscallousedfingersonmythighashereachesformyringfingerandpullsitoutflat.
“Don’tgivemethat,Winter.Idon’tneedit.I’mnotjudgingyou.Andyou’reonlytwofucksawayfrombottomingout.”
Bottomingout.Theinanestpairingofwordssendsazingofarousalthroughmybody.Bottomingout.Saidwithalightgrowlinhisvoicewhileheleansintomesointimately.Icrossmylegsandsqueezetodulltheachebetweenthem.
“God.”Irunmyhandsthroughmyhair,pushingitbacktightandawayfrommyface.“Areyoutellingmeyoudon’tgiveafuckwhatpeoplethinkofyou?”
Heshrugsandcantshisheadinmydirection.“Itrynotto.”
He’ssoclose,alltequilaandtangerinesanddeep,chocolateyeyes.“Isawyoutonight.Thewayyouwentrigidwhenyougotcalledalady-killer.”
Hisgazebouncesbetweenmyeyes,andgod,Ifeelseen.Myskinitchesunderthepressureofhisgaze.Nooneeverlooksatmethisclosely.Thisdiscerningly.
“Changingyourstripesisn’talwayseasy.”
“Ithinkthesayingisliterallythatatigerdoesn’tchangeitsstripes.”
Histonguepressesdownonhisbottomlipashegiveshisheadaminuteshake.“Thenlet’scallitaDalmatianchanginghisspots.They’rebornwithoutthem,youknow.”
“So,you’renotatotalmanwhore?”
Hismouthtwists.“I’moutgrowingthatphase.Butpeopleseewhattheywant.ImagineifIgavethemallmyfucksoverthatwhenIknowdeepdownwhatkindofmanIam?”
Man.Yes.Man.
Mybrainstutter-stepsonthat.BecauseTheoisallman,allmasculinelines,darkswirlingcolors,gentletouches—gentlemanlybehavior.
Okay,he’scharmingashell.
“WhenIdidn’twinattheendofthisseason,Imadeitagoaltoredoublemyfocus.Growupanotch.That’swhyI’mhere,trainingwithRhettandSummer.Moreworkouts,less…play.AllworkandnoplaymakesTheoadullboy.”
Play.Doeseverywordthismansayshavetosoundsexual?Iswearheisn’teventrying,buthiswordsscrapeagainstmyskinliketheedgeofhisteethmight,thewayhisstubblemight.Thereisn’tasingledullthingaboutTheoSilva.
Infact,hemightaswellbeagiganticneonsign,flashingatmetobackaway.Becausepeoplehavehurtme,mycapacityfortrustispracticallynil.Andyet…
“Icouldreallyusesomeplay.”MykneebumpsintohisasIturntohim,anideablossominginmymind.
Averybadidea.
“Lessfucksandmoreplay.Ilikethisstrategyforyou.”
Thewayhislipspartwhenhesaysfuckhasmystomachclenchingandmyinhibitionsflappinginthewind.WhatifIletgoofthemandturnedmybrainoffforabit?WhatifIdidsomethingjustforme?Somethingthatfeelsgood.
GodknowsRobhasneverbeeneffectiveatmakingmefeelgood.Notthewayitappearsinmoviesorsoundsinbooks.Whenthewoman’sheartracesandherskinpricklesjustbecauseamanislookingather.
Theolooksatmelikethat.LikeImightbehisnextmeal.
“MaybewhatIreallyneedismorefucks?”Oof.Thatsoundedalotcoolerinmytequilabrainthanitdoesoutloud.
“Youonlygettenforthepurposeoftheexample.”
Ibitedownonmybottomlip.“That’snotwhatImeant.”
Hemustseeitonmyfacebecauseherearsback,fulllipspartingevenashiseyessmolder.“Areyoupropositioningme?”
Iscoffandblinkaway.“No.”
HesaysnothingandwhenIdragmyattentionbacktohim,Iconfess,“Okay,maybe.Justforfun.Iwanttoknowwhatthat’slike.”AnimageofRobpopsupinmyheadandItossitaway.He’snotallowedhereinthismoment.Ineedtobemyself.IneedtobefreeofhimifI’mgoingtodothis.“Idon’tthinkIknowwhatit’sliketobeproperlyfucked.”
Amusementandshockwaronhisface.“You’veofficiallyhadtoomuchtodrink.”
“Ihavenot.You’rejustusingthatasanexcuse.Ifyouaren’tinterested,justbedirect.I’madoctor.Iunderstandhowthebiologyofattractionworks.Youcan’tforceit.Igetit.”
WhenIglancebackup,theexpressiononhisfaceisprimal.He’sbeautiful,andI’minstantlystruckbytherealizationthatI’manidiot.Thismanisoutofmyleague.He’stoogoodlooking.Tooexperienced.
“Youknowwhat?ForgetIsaidanything.I’vegotthiswholeuptightspinsterthinghappeningandIdon’tblameyoufor—”
“Winter.I’dhaveproperlyfuckedyouinthebackroomofthatgasstationifyou’daskedme.”
Ifreezeathiswords.
“I’mnotgoingtosithereandpretendIhaven’tbeenthinkingaboutitallnight.”Hiseyesglazeoverandperusemybodyinaknowingway,likehecanseemyskinflushandmynipplespebble.Hislegssqueezeinonmine.Trappingme.“Thatdresscouldbesoeasilytuggedup.But…”Hisheadtiltsdownattheglassonthetablebesideus.“Weconsumedalotoftequila.Idon’twantyoutoregretanything.”
Regret?IlookhimoverlikeIwouldapatientandwonderifasinglewomanhaseverregrettedfuckingTheoSilva.Itseemshighlyimprobable.
AndIwanttofindout.
Forscience.
SoItossbacktherestofmyshotandpullapenoutofmypurse.Flippingthecoasterovertotheblankside,Iwrite:
I,Winter,dolegallyswearthatIamnottoodrunkto…
Iglanceupathim.“Whatareyouworriedabout?Idon’thaveorgasms,soalcoholintakewon’tmatter.”
Heblinksonce,slowandmethodical,thosethick,darklasheswipingawayaflashofannoyanceonhisperfectbonestructure.“Consent,Tink.I’mworriedaboutconsent.Therestisn’tanissue.”Hisvoicedropstoalowgrowl.“You’dgettherewithme.I’dmakesureofit.”
Heatlashesatmycheeks,spillsdownmythroat,andwashesovermychest.He’ssodamnconfident.Tequilaornot,talkingbrazenlylikethisisnewtome.So,insteadofarguingwithhim,Iuseashakyhandtofinishthesentence:
Consent.
WhenIpeekup,oureyeslock.I’mpracticallypantingandhe’sjustsittingthere,vibratingwithsexualenergy,fingersclenchedaroundtheedgeofthetable.
IbiteattheinsideofmycheekanddrophisgazebeforeIsignmyname.
WinterHamilton.
Mymaidenname.
Heregistersittoo,becausewhenIlookbackupathim,hisgazeremainsfixedonthecoaster.
“IthoughtitwasValentine?”
“It’snot.Thedivorcepapersarestashedinmycar.Onmywayouthere,Ipickedthemup.I’maprivateperson.Idon’tneedmymessydivorcetobedinnerconversation.”
Henods,searchingmyface.Thenthetipofhistonguepeeksoutfrombetweenhislipsashestaresdownatthecoaster.“Sothisisa…sexcontract?”
“Essentially,yes.”Ifeellikeanidiot,butIalsofeellike,forthefirsttimeinalongtime,Idon’tcare.EverystepItookawayfromthathousetodaywasadominofalling.Oneaftertheother.Now,there’sonlyoneleft,andI’mabouttoknockitrightintoTheoSilva’slap.
“Well,thisisafirst.”Theo’sfingersdustoverwhereIsignedmynameandIimaginethemonmybody.Inmybody.
“Ithink…”Iputahandonmythroat,likethatwillforcemetokeepusingmywordswhenallIcanthinkaboutrightnowishimtouchingmeandtheheavyrushofpressurebetweenmylegs.“Itkeepsthingsveryclear.Forus.”
Heleansclose,hisdemeanorshiftingrightbeforemyeyes.Hot,dampbreathdancesalongtheshellofmyearashisdeepvoicerumblesagainstmyskin.“Contractualclarityhasnevermademeharder.”
Mybodyflarestolife,eventhoughIknowhe’steasingme.IforcemyselftoswallowandnodasIshiftmyeyestomeethis.
“Idon’tknowifasentenceonacoasterwillholdupinacourtoflaw.”
“Onenight,”Ireply.“That’sall.I’mnotequippedforanythingelse.I’mtoofucked-up.Takingyoutocourtwouldinvolveseeingyouagain,andIdon’tplantodothat.”
Histhroatworksoncemore.
“Andwenevertellanyone.Weshakehandsandwalkaway,likematureadultswithacontract.”
“Winter…”Hedoesn’tlovethatpart.
Ipushthecoasterathim,feelingmorelaidbarethanIhavein,well,possiblyever.Myvoiceshakes.“SignitorI’mgoingtobed.Myegoistoofragileforthisrightnow.”
Hisgazesoftensonme,thewarmthinthosechocolatedepthsheatingmychillyexterior.Iwatchtheveinsinhishandbulgeashepicksupthepen.Thetendonsinhisforearmrippleashewrites.
Onenightonly.Wenevertellanyone.ButI’llprobablybegyouforanothershot,eventually.
–TheoSilva
Evenhishandwritingisbeautiful.
Helookssmugwhenheslidesthecoasterbackacrossthetableatme.Iliftthepieceofcardboardandeyeit,likeIreallyamreadingoveracontract.Anothershot—asif.ButI’lllethimgetthelastwordin.
Iholdthecoasteroutandhetakesit,hiswarmfingerswrappingovermine.Heliftsmyhandtohismouthandpressesafirmkisstothetopofit,sendingashiverdownmyspine.
Hesmirks,andIwanttostomponhisfoot.Ihatehowobviousthisis.Howunnaturallyit’scomeabout.Howknowingheis.
ButIalsowantitsodamnbadly.
Weholduponelastshotoftequila,andhonestly,Ineedtheliquidcourage.Ourglassesclinkaswecheers.
Hiseyeslockonminewithalevelofintensitythatscreamsatmetobecareful.Andthenhesays,“I’mgoingtoruinyoutonight.”
Wetosstheliquorback,notdroppingeachother’sgaze.Islammyglassdownharderthannecessary.It’sloud,liketheshotgunataracesignalingit’sgotime.
Hecantshisheadatme.Onemoresilentassurance.
Inod.
Henods.
Andwithoutanotherword,helinkshisfingersthroughmineandleadsmeoutofthebarareaandontotheelevator.
Whenthedoorslidesshut,thatlasttetherofcontrolbetweenussnaps.It’sanaudiblepinginthesmall,privatespace.
Hetugsmeintohischest,fingersinstantlytanglinginmyloosehair.
AllIcanhearistheheavybassofmyheartpumpingbloodthroughmyveins.
AllIcanseearehisrosycheeks,andfulllips.
AllIcanfeelisthepressofhisrock-hardlengthagainstmystomach.
Helooksmestraightintheeyeandgrabsthebackofmyskullroughlywithonehandwhiletheotherpullsatmybottomlip.“Ican’twaittoseehowfuckingprettyyoulookwhenyoucomewithmynameonyourlips.”6
Theo
Rhett:DidyouandWintergetbacksafe?SummersaidWinterneverrespondedtoher.
Theo:Yeah.Shewastiredandgrumpy.Ithinkshewenttobed.
Rhett:Yeah.Okay.Gymat11?
Theo:Seeyouthere,oldman.
***
“Theo.You’reasackofshitthismorning.”
IflopbackonthematanddecideI’lljustdiehereinapoolofmysweat.“Summer,youlooksweet,butyou’rekindofanasshole.”
Fromthematbesideme,Rhettturnsandkicksmysneaker.“Talktoherlikethatagain.Idareyou.”
“Rhett,twenty-fiveburpeesforassaultingaclient.”Hisfiancéesmilessmuglyathimfromwhereshesitsonabench.OrasI’vedubbeditinmyhead,theTortureThrone
Rhettscoffslikeshe’sjoking,butsheinclinesherheadathimandcrossesherarmsoverherHamiltonAthleticshoodie.
“You’reevil.WhataboutTheo?”
“Whatabouthim?”Summer’svoiceisallsugaryandamused.
“Dude,shutup.Justletmedieinpeace.”Slingingadamparmovermyface,Igetastrongwhiffofalcohol.Iamliterallysweatingtequila.
“Hewasclearlyoutallnight,”Summersays.“ProbablymakingbabiesalloverNorthAmericaatthisrate.”
“Please.Ialwayswrapitup.”Thetruthis,sincehittingtheroadthispastfall,therehasbeennooneinmybedatall.Ileteveryonebelievewhattheywant,butI’mchanging.
Rhettquirksabrow.“You’renotdenyingbeingoutwithsomeonelastnight,though,areyou?”
Igroaninannoyance,butSummerleansforward,eyessparklingwithinterest.“Whowasit?”
“Ihadalongromanticeveningwithmyrighthand.”Idon’tkissandtell.EspeciallywhereWinterisconcerned.I’llbetakingthisonetothegrave.Unlessshecomesbackformore.
“Didyoulightacandle?”Rhettlaughsathisownjoke.
“Whyareyoustilllyingthere,Eaton?”Summersnipesathim.“Isaidgivemetwenty-fiveorI’llmakeyoujoinaZumbaclass.”
Isnort.“Fuck.Iwouldpayalotofmoneytoseethathappen.”
Rhettplayfullykicksmyfootagainashepushestostand.
“Whowasitreally,Theo?”Summerisn’tlettingthisgo.
Isitupandslingmyelbowsovermybentknees,lookingherintheeyes.“Itwasn’tanyone.Andifitwas,Iwouldneverwalkaroundheretalkingaboutit.You’llhavetogetyoursmall-towngossipelsewhere.”
“Everythingcomesoutinatownthissize.Youneedtobecarefulifyouplantospendmoretimehere,Theo.”Shetakesonamoreserioustonewithmenow.
Wenevertellanyone.Iwroteitoutmyself,andI’dneverbetrayWinter’strust.ToomanypeopleinherlifehaveandnomatterwhatweareorifIneverseeheragain—Iwon’tbeanotherpersonwholetsherdownorliestoher.
IshrugandholdhergazebecauseI’mnotsayingshit.“Noone.”
Rhettisjumpingbesideme,huffingandpanting.ButSummer?Summerisjuststaringatme.It’salmostlikesheknows.Buthowcouldshe?Idon’tthinkasinglepersonwouldeverguessthatWinterandIwouldenduptogether.
I’mabullriderandshe’sadoctor.
I’mfireandshe’sice.
Shewantstoforgetaboutme,andrightnowIcan’tstopthinkingabouther.Hersofterside.Thewaysheopenedupwithme.Thewayshewhimperedmynamewhen—
“Twenty-fiveburpees,Silva.”Summer’slipsstretchintoanevilsmile.
“Areyoukiddingme?”
Rhettistoobreathlesstoevenmockme,butwhenIglanceathim,Icanseehisbeardedcheeksstretchedupintoasmile.
“No.Getyourassup.”
“IthoughtIwasdone?”Iwhinebutdoasshesays,becauseIpromisedmyselfI’ddomydadproudthisseason.Hemayhavediedridingabull,buthediditwithacoupleofchampionshipsunderhisbelt.
HementoredRhett,andRhetthastwo.
Iwantone.Iwantafractionofhisgreatness.I’dbehappytohaveevenasliveroftheirsuccesssoIcanbepartofthatlegacytoo.
IwanttobemorethantheWorldBullRidingFederationwildchildandafantasticlay.
So,Istartmyburpees.
Summersmilesatmeandshakesherhead.“Wow.Youreallymustnotwantanyonetoknowaboutlastnight.”
“He’sjust…miffedthathealready…failedathisgoal,”RhettpuffsoutfrombesidemeasIstartmyfirstjumpupintheair.MymusclesriotagainstmeasIurgemybodybackintoactionafterwhathasalreadybeenatwo-hourworkout.
“Whatwasyourgoal,Theo?”
Iignorethemboth.
Sure,IsteppedoutonthegoalIsharedwithRhettduringoneofourtalks,butI’mnotabouttoexplaintothemthatthiswasdifferentsomehow.Thiswasn’tjustanother—
“Somethingaboutlivinglikeamonkforthenextseasontohelpwithhisfocus.”
Rhettchucklesashebendsover,andIfindmyselfhopinghehurls.Theagitationpushesmeharder.AsIkeepgoing,IfeelSummer’seyesonme.
Assessing.Sheanalyzesthingswaytoodamnclosely.Seesfartoomuch.
“Yousmellliketequila,”shesays,clearlyoptingnottopileonwithherfiancé.
OnceIjoinRhettbackonthemat,huffingandpuffingandwishingIweredead,heturnsandgrinsatme.“Iknewyou’dneverbeabletokeepyourdickinyourpants.”
Thoughthey’remeantasajoke,hiswordssting.They’realsothenudgeIneedtogetmotivated,becauseIwantmymentor’srespect.Idon’twanttobethebuttendofajokeorseenasthechildwhonevergrowsup.IwanttochasemydreamsandprovetomyselfIcandothethingsIsetmymindto.
Idon’twanttobetheone-nightstandwho’susedtoscratchanitch.IwantawomanlikeWinterHamilton—beautiful,andsmart,andsharp-tongued—tolookatmeandseeafuture.7
Winter
Marina:Soyouquityourjob,leftyourhusband,andnowwon’tanswermycalls?
Winter:Seemslikeyou’vefiguredoutthegistallonyourown.
Marina:Callmeback.
Winter:ThemoreIthinkaboutit,thelessIhavetosaytoyou.
Marina:Iraisedyoubetterthanthis.Strongerthanthis.Morefocusedthanthis.
Winter:Ican’trememberasinglehug.
Marina:What?
Winter:Youneverhuggedme.Neverconsoledme.
Marina:That’swhatthenannywasfor.
***
“Well,shit.Itlooksprettydamngoodinhere.”Sloanehasherhandsproppedonhernarrowhips,takinginthesmallhousewithasatisfiedexpressiononherface.
MynodfeelslikeaHerculeanfeat.Forthepastthreeweeks,I’veexperiencedawhirlwindofemotionsandmadelife-alteringdecisions.BecauseIwastoobitchytohangoutwithjoyfulpeople,IspentChristmasaloneinahotel,dreamingaboutTheoSilvarunninghisroughhandsallovermybodyandtryingtorecreatethesensationwithmyown.
NotthatI’deveradmitthatlastpartoutloud.
Butthere’ssomethingunforgettableaboutthewayhiscallousesfeltslidingovermyskin.Thewayhetouchedmelikehecouldn’tgetenough.Hispalmsneverstoppedexploringme,worshippingme.
Iclearmythroat.“Yeah.Itdoes.Lookgood.”
TheblondewomanbesidemebeamswithprideandIcan’thelpbutsmileback.
Itsoundschildish,butsomehowSloanehaswiggledherwayintomylifeinthepastcoupleofweeks.She’sRhett’scousin,andshesaysshethinksshemetmeatexactlytherighttime.Shesayssheneededsomeonelikemeinherlife,butthethingis…IthinkI’mtheonewhoneededher.
We’vebothfacedalotofupheavalintheshorttimewe’veknowneachother.Thedifferenceisherupheavalledhertobeingwithherchildhoodcrush—thehockeyplayerwhotreatsherlikeagoddess—andmineledmetogivingRobdivorcepapers,quittingmyjobatthehospitalinthecity,andmovingintoarentalhouseinChestnutSprings.
LookingatSloanenow,allsmilesandmessyhair,Isupposeitalsoledmetohavingafriend.
Possiblymyonlyfriendinalifefullofacquaintancesandco-workers.AndthatalonemakeseverythingI’vebeenthroughworthit.
“ShouldweshifttheTVabit?Itmightcatchtoomuchlightthereduringtheday.”
Isnortandflopdownontothecouchbehindme.“Iworkinsanehours.IdoubtI’llbewatchingTVinthedaytime.”
“Whataboutdaysoff?”Sloanefollowssuit,fallingintothecushynewcouchbesideme.
“Yeah.Iguessso.”
“Orareyougoingtobetoobusyhangingoutwithyourcoolnewneighbor?”Shewaggleshereyebrowsatme,andIcan’thelpbutlaugh.SheandJasperliveinthebungalownextdoor.Infact,Jasperownstheentireblock,arowofhousesonthissideandthebusinessesontheotherthatfaceoutontothemaindrag.Sloanehasbeencarefullyrestoringeachonebacktoitsoriginalglorysotheycanrentthemout.
“Doyouthinkyou’llkeepbothjobsnowthatyou’vemovedhere?”
Ishrugandletmyheadsinkintothesoftvelvetyfabricbehindme.Exceptit’snotvelvet,it’smicrofiber,becauserichasRobmightbeasacardiothoracicsurgeon,I’mstilljustaresident.
Velvettaste,microfiberbudget.That’sme.WinterHamilton.AndI’malrightwithit.
Twenty-eight-year-oldalmostdivorcee.Ex-husbandwhohatesmygutsbecausetheonlythinghe’sbetteratthanfixingheartsisplayingthevictim.Motherwhoisallupinmyfacebecausemiserylovescompanyandshe’schosentoliveamiserablelife.Adadwhoisjustasfuckingawkwardaroundmeashealwayshasbeen—blesshim.Andanestrangedsisterwhoisfeelinglessestrangedeveryday.
That’sthebrightspotinturningmylifeupsidedown.Ireallydouseditallingasoline,droppedthematch,andsaid,“Fuckit.”
“Iquittoday.HavingtoworkinthesamehospitalasbothmymomandRob?Nothanks.”Ipointafingerintomyopenmouthandmakeagaggingnoise.
Anddoingthatmakesmeabitnauseous.Abitlight-headed.
Sloanelaughs,alllightandairy,whileIsuckindeepbreaths,tryingtomastermyroilingstomach.“Goodforyou.”
Inodandshecarrieson.“Wecanalwayshangthedecortomorrow.I’llhelpyouunpackmore.WecanenlistJasperwhenhe’sbackfromhisroadtrip.Iliketheplacementofallthefurniturethough.”
“Thatsoundsgood,”Iwhisper,lickingmylipsandlettingmyeyesfluttershut.
“Wannagrabadrink?Asnack?Something?Otherwise,I’lljuststayuplateworkingontheotherhouse.”
“YouneedanHGTVshow.”Igiveherawansmile,butdon’tmove.IfIsitstillandthinkaboutthecoldairfilteringinthroughmynose,Ifeelfine.
“Ohmygod.Ido!That’sthedream.”Herhandslapsonmykneebeforeshesitsup,burstingwithenergy.“Shouldwego?”
Idosimplemathinmyhead,thinkaboutnumberpatterns,nothurlingtheChinesetakeoutfromearlierallovermynewmicrofibercouch.
“IthinkI’llpass.”Myvoicesoundsbreathy,andmyheartthundersagainstmysternum.ItfeelssoloudIwonderifSloanecanhearit.
“Youokay?”Herfingerspulseonmykneeasconcernlaceshervoice.
Twenty-eightminussevenequalstwenty-one.
Ovulation.
Iturnandpeekather.“Justkindawipedrightnow.IthinkI’llbail.Crawlintobed.”
Hereyesholdsomuchconcern.SloaneisoneofthemostgenuinepeopleI’veevermet.She’ssweet,butnotsickeninglyso.Nowandthenshesayssomethinginappropriateandthengigglestoherselfaboutit.
Ilikethatabouther.She’srelatable.
“Yousure?”
Dividedbysevenequalsthree.
Cyclestarts.
Iofferhermymostconvincingsmile,butI’materribleactress.I’mquitecertainthelookIgiveherisjustascowlwithmylipsinaslightlyupturnedshape.
Shesnortsandpushestostand.“Youlooklikeaserialkillerwhenyoudothat.”Shefreezesbeforespinningbacktomewithalaugh.“Imaginethat!IhelpthisnicedoctorgirlwhoIthinkisanewfriendmoveintothehousenexttomine.Butitturnsoutshe’saserialkillerandisjustplayingthelonggamewithplanningmymurder.”Shegiggles.“Nowthatwouldbeagoodstory.”
Irubatmytemples.“SoundslikeaCatherineCowlesbook.”
“What?”Herheadquirks.
“Nothing.I’mgoingtogoreadinbed.”
ThreeweeksagowastheSaturdaybeforeChristmas.
“Okay.Textmewhenyou’reupandreadytofinishthisplaceoffinthemorning.”Sloaneleansdownandgivesmeabreezykissonthecheek.“Andpleasedon’tmurdermetonight.”
Iwouldlaugh,butifIopenmymouth,Iwillbarfonthemicrofibercouch.Thesalesguytoldmeitwipesupeasy.Iabsentlywonderhoweasily.
TheSaturdaybeforeChristmaswasdinneratWishingWellRanch.
SloaneislaughingassheslidesonherUGGsandleaves.
She’shappyandcarefree,crackingserialkillerjokes.
AndI’mdoingmathinmyhead.MathI’mpainfullyfamiliarwithbecauseI’vespentthelasttwoyearsdesperatelytryingtogetpregnant.Tears,positiveovulationstrips,negativepregnancytests,fertilityappointments.
OfallthetimesI’veobsessivelyrunthesenumbersinmyhead,mymathwasrightonce.Thattestwaspositiveonce
Itwasthehighesthigh.Butitendedinloss,andpain,andthelowestlow.
Now,mymathisrightagain.
WishingWellRanchiswhereImetTheoSilva.
***
Winter:Doyouhaveaccesstothegym?Youdancethereafterhourssometimes,right?
Sloane:Yeah.SometimeswhenIcan’tsleep.IusetheZumbastudio.
Winter:CanIgetyoutoletmein?
Sloane:Butit’s10p.m.
Winter:Yeah,Iknow.Ijustgotoffwork.
Sloane:AmIallowedtoaskwhyyouneedtogointoyoursister’sbusinessafterhours?
Winter:Youcanask,butIwon’ttellyou.
Sloane:Doesithavetodowithyourmurderplot?
Winter:Yes.I’mmakingyoumyaccessory.
Sloane:Newfriendshiplevelunlocked!I’llbeoutfrontinfive.
“Doyouwantmetocomeinwithyou?”Sloanegivesmeaworriedglanceaswestandoutsidethedarkenedgym.
ThecoldairfeelsgoodaftertheunendingnauseaIlivedwiththroughmyshift.ThesmellofantisepticthatIusuallyfindcomfortingturnedonmeinthemostviciousway.EvenfinallytalkingtoMarinamadememorenauseousthanusual.Buttellinghertostopcontactingmefeltgoodtoo.Ifeltstrong.IfeltrelievedknowingIwouldn’teversubjectanotherhumantohertoxicity.
Hilariously,assoonIstoppedgivinganyfucksaboutwhatshethoughtofme,Istoppedcaringaboutheropinion—buttodayIcouldhavehurledallovermyphonefromthemeresoundofhervoice.
“No,that’sfine.”
“I’mcominganyway.”Sloanehustlespastme,ourpuffywintercoatsbrushingagainsteachotherandmakingalittlezippingnoiseassheheadsstraightforthenumberpadwheresheinputsacode.
Sloaneturnsandstaresatmeexpectantly.
“Areyougoingtocracksomewiseasscommentaboutmecomingheretodosomethingmeantomysister?”Iask.
Herbrowsfurrow.“WhywouldIthinkthat?”
Myeyesrollintimewithmyarmscrossing.“Everyonethinksthat.”
“Ithinkyou’realotmorelikeablethanyourealize.”Iquirkabrowattheotherwoman,andherheadwobblesbackandforthasshesmiles.“Whenyouwanttobe.”
Ihuffoutalaugh.“LikeablewhenIwanttobecouldbemyslogan.”
Truthfully,itsmarts.AsthoughnoonereallylikesmewhenI’matmyworst.I’mlikeablewhenIputonasmiley,happyface.ButwhataboutwhenIcrumble?ThenallIgetiscriticismandreprimand.
“Okay,well,Ijustneedafewminutes.”
“Forwhat?”
“Tochecksomethingonthecomputer.”
Sloane’seyesgocomicallywide.“Ithoughtmurderwasthething.Butareyoustalkingsomeone?”
Ipressmylipstogetherandmotionlockingthemwithakeybeforethrowingitaway.Thetruthis…thisiskindofstalkery.
ButafterconfirmingwhatIalreadyknewwithapositivepregnancytestthismorning,IknowIneedtotalktoTheo.Becauseourone-nightsecretisn’tsosecretanymore.
IthinkI’mstillinshock.Afteryearsoftryingandfailing,Ican’tfinditinmetobeupset.IcriedinthehospitalbathroomwhileIstaredatthattinypinkplussign.
Icriedhappytears.
Becausenomatterhowunplannedthisis,Ican’thelpbutseeitasablessing.SomethingturningupWinteraftergettingshoveddownsomanytimes.
Somethingjustforme.
Andthisleftmewithawholeotherissuetoface.Gettingintouch.
Sloanechucklesbutturnsaway,offeringmeprivacyasIsneakovertothefrontdeskandfireupthecomputer.MyhopeisthatIcanfindTheo’scontactinformationlistedinthegymdatabase.
IcouldaskSummer,butthatwouldleadtoquestions.IfIcontactmydad,whoishisagent,thatwouldleadtoquestionsandawkwardconversation.AndIdon’twanttodealwitheither.
IbarelyknowTheo,butIknowIhavetotellhim.Hedeservestoknow,andhedeservestoknowbeforeanyoneelse.He’sawildcard,butthere’ssomethingdeeplycaringabouthim.Andnomatterwhatoursituationmightbe,there’sapartofmethatthinkshewouldbeagreatdad.
Andifhedoesn’twantthat,I’mokaywithittoo.Buthedeservesachoice
Ican’tthinkofanythingworsethaneveryonearoundyouknowingsomethingthispersonalbeforeyou’veevenhadachancetoprocess.
Iknowallaboutneedingtimetoprocess.
It’swhyI’mterrifiedoftellingeveryonethisnewsandthenlosingthebabylikelasttime.Havingclothesandtoysandplans.Everyonethrivingonthatexcitement,onlytohavethempouroncondolencesthatIcouldn’tevencopewith.
IfI’mgoingtogrievealossagain,Iwanttodoitprivately.
Bitingdownonmylip,Itrytonavigatethesoftwaresearchingfor…members.There!Withaquickclick,alistofnamesfillsthepage.InavigatetotheminiaturemagnifyingglassinthecornerandtypeinTheoSilva
Anotherwindowpopsupwithhisinformation.AhomeaddressinEmeraldLake,acollegelaketowninBritishColumbia.AnemergencycontactbythenameofLorettaSilva,whichsoundslikethenameofawomanwhowouldliveonaranchandisfarmorefittingforthewifeofabullriderwhowasanicononthecircuit.(Thankyou,Google.)
AndthenIseeit.Hiscellnumber.IswipeapadofPost-its,andscribblethenumberdownbeforeIexiteverywindowonthecomputer,wantingtomakesureitlookslikeIwasneverhere.
WithinsecondsI’mroundingthedeskonthetipsofmytoes,likesomeonemighthear,eventhoughit’scompletelyemptyinhere.
“Ready.Thankyou,”IwhisperatSloaneasIdrawneartoher.
Sheturnsnow,havingbeentotallyrespectful.Theperfectaccomplice,notpushyornosy.
“Didyouwipedownthekeyboard?”
Mybrowsknittogether.“What?”
“Youknow.Tocleanoffthefingerprints.”
“Areyou—”
“Lookingoutforyou?Yes.That’swhatfriendsarefor.”
Isnort,becauseIthinkshe’sjoking.“Nocrimeswerecommittedheretonight.”
“Yousureaboutthat?”
MymouthtwistsasIconsiderit.“Idon’tknow.I’madoctor,notalawyer.Itmightbeacrimelite.”
Shelaughsassheresetsthealarm.“Ilikethat.Hopefully,thepoliceappreciateyourbranding.”
Wewalkthroughthedoorandit’smyturntolaugh.Exceptmystomachistwistinginside.I’mnotworriedaboutthepolice,buttherealityofwhatI’mabouttotellamanIbarelyknowhitsmeandIcanfeeltheanxietybuildinginmychest.
Irubmypalmtheretolessenit.AndevenasSloaneandIbideachothergoodnight,Icontinuetopushagainstmysternum.
Idon’tstopuntilI’mseatedonmymicrofibercouch,staringdownatthepale-yellowpieceofpaper.
WhathaveIdone?HowdidIletthishappen?Weusedcondoms.
Andcondomsbreak.
It’sapeculiarfeelingtohaveallthatyoueverwanted,butnotinthewayyouenvisioned.I’vebeenthatgirlsinceIwasachild.Theonewhocarriedadolleverywhereandpushedthemaroundinatinystroller.Iwasthrilledabouthavingababysisteruntilmymomruineditforme.
I’vewantedachildofmyownforaslongasIcanremember.Desperately,witheveryfiberofmybeing.ButneverinmywildestdreamsdidIimagineithappeninglikethis.Likesomesortofcosmicjoke.
Clomid.Legsupthewall.Bladderinfections.Alltonoavail.
It’slikemybodyknewRobwasapieceofshit,evenwhenmybraindidn’t.Ha.No.Nicetry,honey.Wedon’twantababywiththisman
AndthenIgotpregnant.Afterwhich,Ipromptlyfoundoutallthewaysmyhusbandhadbetrayedme.
Ilosthim.
ThenIlostthebaby.
ThenIlostmyself.
I’veonlyadmitteditonceoutloud—tomylittlesister’sbestfriendWilla.Iconfessedtoherthatbrokenasmymiscarriageleftme,thereisashamefulpartofmethat’srelievedI’mnottiedtoRobValentinefortherestofmylife.
Igettomoveonfromhimwithnostringsattached.Ablessingandacurse.Aguiltthateatsmealive.OneIhavetolearntolivewith,becauseIamrelievedtobefreeofhim.
Butthisisdifferent.Thetimingisdifferent.
Theoisdifferent.
Iliftthephoneanddialhisnumber,takingasteadyingbreathasitrings.
Butitkeepsringingandthengoestovoicemail.Hisdeepbaritonetellingmetoleaveamessagesendsashiverdownmyspine.Thethingshesaidtomethatnight.
FilthyfuckinggirlJustbeggingfor—
“Hi,Theo.ThisisWinter.From…well,fromthehotel.Ortheranch?Fromthecoastercontract.Itrackedyournumberdownandwashopingwecouldchat,eventhoughIsworeIwouldn’tevercontactyouagain.Canyoucallmebackwhenyouhaveamoment?Thanks.Bye.”
Ihaven’ttoldhimyet,butIalreadyfeelrelieved.I’llfacethisheadon.It’sgoingtobefine.
MyhandfallsacrossmystillflatstomachandIsigh.
I’mgoingtobehappy.
“Hi,Theo.It’sWinteragain.Ihaven’theardfromyouandit’sbeenafewdays.Attheriskofsoundingtotallynuts,IcheckedtheWBRFwebsiteandknowthatyou’reoutonthetouragain.Igetthatyou’rebusy,butIreallyneedtotalktoyou.Ihavesomethingreallyimportanttotellyou.
“Theo.Hi.Ihopeyou’reokay.BasedonthescoresIcanseelistedonline,itwouldseemyou’redoingjustfine.I’mnottryingtobesomeclingybucklebunnyorwhateverthefuckyoucallit.Ijustneedtosharesomeinformationwithyou,andIwouldliketotellyoudirectly.”
***
Winter:Hi,it’sWinter.IsthisTheoSilva?Areyougettingmyvoicemails?I’veleftthreenow.
Winter:Areyouawarethatyouhavereadreceiptson?Iknowyou’veseenmytext.
Theo:Yes.I’vegottenyourvoicemails.I’mnotinterestedintalking.
Winter:Listen,I’mtryingnottobeafull-onbitchtoyourightnow.Butcanyoupleasecallme?Ineedtotellyousomething.
Theo:Thentellme.
Winter:Viatext?
Theo:Yup.
Winter:Fine.Thatnightinthehotel,acondommusthavebroken.I’mpregnant.Thebabyisyours.Thoughtthatmightinterestyou.
Theo:Thanksforlettingmeknow.WinterEighteenmonthslater…
Winter:Issheokay?
Harvey:Yes,myworldisherjunglegym.She’sgoingupanddownthestairs.Gettingprettyfastonthewaydownnow.Sheeventriedtoclimbthebanister.Doesn’tstopmovingmuch.
Winter:Harvey.Pleasedon’tsaythingslikethat.
Harvey:Ifitwasn’trude,I’daskifhersecretdaddyisamonkey.
Winter:Youbasicallyjustaskedthat.
Harvey:Where’sthequestion?
Winter:I’mcomingback.
Harvey:No.Youaren’t.IfIcankeepRhettalive,thenViviwillbeabreeze.
Winter:Somehowthatisn’tverycomforting.Rhettisinsane.
***
“Thisisgoingtobefun,Winter.You’llsee.”Willapatsmyshoulder,andIcastherasidelongglance.
“ViviisgoingtohavethebesttimewithHarvey.”Summersqueezesmyknee.
“Didyouguysplanthispeptalk?”MyarmscrossandIstareoutatthedirtringinfrontofus.
Willashrugswithaslightgrinonherlips.“Sloanetoldusyoumightneedit,butthatwehadherpermissiontodragyououtofthathousekickingandscreaming.”
“EasyforSloanetosaywhileshe’sonaroadtripwithJasper.I’mgoingtoFaceTimeherlaterandgiveherapieceofmymind.”
Ilickmylipsandpeeraroundattheseaofpeoplebeforeme.SummerandWilladon’trespond,butI’msuretheyrolltheireyesatmeastheytootakeinoursurroundings.
It’sdaythreeofthefirstannualChestnutSpringsRodeoandIfeellikeasociologistwatchingitallgodown.Theactualtownissmallandcharming.Butthefairgroundsthisweekend?
Idon’tevenknowwhatthefuckthisis.
Wranglers,cowboyboots,rhinestonebelts.
Eventhechildrenarewearinglittlecowboyandcowgirloutfits.It’slikeI’matoneofthosehistoricalre-enactmentswhereallthedorksdressuplikeknightsandkings.
Excepthere,allthedorksdressupascowboys.
“Therearechildreneverywhere,”Iannounce.“Ican’tfathomwhyIcouldn’thavebroughtViviwithme.You’dhardlynoticeherinthecarrier.”
Summeredgescloser,pressingherbodyintominereassuringly.I’mnotabouttoadmitit,butIlikeit.No.Iloveit.GettingtoknowmysisterthewayI’vealwayswantedoverthepasteighteenmonthshasbeenabrightspotinmylife.
“Younoticeher,”Willasays.“She’sninemonthsoldnow.You’vepumpedenoughtofeedanorphanage.Isawthefreezer,sodon’ttrytotellmeotherwise.She’sgoingtohavefunandsowillyou.Youneedthis.ThefirsttimeIleftEmmawashardtoo,butI…Winter,justtrustme.You’llfeelsomewhatlikeyouroldselfaftertonight.Youcan’tdoitallalone.You’llhavetogobackto—”
Summercutsheroffwithasternglance,andIalmostrollmyeyes.DoesshethinkIdon’tknowwhatWillawasabouttosay?
Backtowork.
Oneyear.ThehospitalinChestnutSpringsallowedmeoneyearofmaternityleaveandthatisrapidlydrawingtoaclose.September21isthedayIhavecircledinredonthecalendar.
IwishsomeonehadtoldmethatonceIhadababy,Iwouldn’tgiveaflyingfuckaboutanythingelse.TheyactlikeIneedthisnightaway,butIdon’tfeellikeIdo.IalreadymisshereventhoughI’vespentthepastcoupleofweekssayingallIwantisfornoonetotouchmeforafewhours.
AndIdon’twanttofeellikemyoldself.Myoldselfwasangryandbitterandalone.
Okay,I’mstillnotarayofsunshine,butIhaveturnedoveranewleafsincemovingtoChestnutSprings.
“I’mgoingtogetusallsomedrinks,”Willaannounces,slappingherjean-cladthighsandallIcandoisnodwhileGarthBrooksblaresfromthespeakerswhilemeninleatherchapsmullaround.
Theymightbedorks,butI’dhavetobeblindnottoappreciatethethingsthisgetupdoesforaman’sass.Everyoneisonandonaboutamaninasuit,butIcan’thelpbutwonderifthey’veeverseenamaninWranglersandchaps.
Suitwho?
Summerbumpshershoulderagainstmine.“Thanksforcoming.”
Ibumpherback.“You’rewelcome.”
“RhettandBeauhavebeenworkingsohardonthisevent.Iknowtheyappreciateyoubeingheretoo.”Ijustnod.“IthinkyoursuggestionofsomethingthatmightgiveBeauapurposewashelpful.Heseemsmorelikehimselfallthetime.Planningthisrodeohasbeenfunforhim.”
It’strue.Isaidthat.BecauseI’veseenitbefore.Aveteranmovesintoanewphaseoftheirlife,andtheyfeelmonumentallylost,likeeverythingthatwasimportantaboutthemisn’tanymore.
Iwrinklemynoseandlookaway.AsmuchasIfightleavingVivienne,there’salittlepartofmethatcanrelate.TheERwasexciting.Somethingnewhappenedeveryday.Iworkeddamnhardtogetthere,tobecomethebestdoctorIcouldbe.AndnowI’veturnedallthatfocusonbeingthebestmomIcanbe.
Imissit.
Imissthatpartofmyself.
“Oh.”Summerbrightensandsitsuptallbesideme.“Theretheyare.”
“They?”
“RhettandTheo.”
Theo
Myheartcomestoascreechinghaltinmychestandmylimbsturntoice.Atthesametime,mystomachfallsfastandhard,likecomingstraightdownoffthehighestpointofarollercoaster.Exceptthecartgoesoffthewheelsandcrashesstraightintothepavement.
That’showIfeelrightnow.
“Theo?”Myvoicedoesn’tbetrayme.Itcomesoutperfectlysmooth.Perfectlyunaffected.
“Yeah.Youknow…Rhett’sprotégé.IbelieveyouandhimgotintoascreamingmatchattheranchacoupleofChristmasesago.”
Iscoff.“ScreamingatsomeoneisnotmyMO.”
“It’snot,butIcouldhearyoufrominside.”
Mylittlesisterisgivingmeherknow-it-alllook.TheoneI’vecometoknowwelloverthelastyearandahalf.Idon’tknowwhatkindofkarmawasworkinginmyfavortomakeSummerputalltheyearsoftensionbehindussoreadily.AndIstillhaven’tquitefoundthewordstothankherforit.
ShewasthereformewhileIwaspregnantandalone.
Shewasinthedeliveryroomholdingmyhand.
Shewasatmyhouse,fillingmyfreezerwithmealswhenIgothome.
I’mnotsureIdeserveher,butI’mtooselfishnottolapupwhatshe’sgivingme.
“Youmusthavemisheard.”Isniff,peeringoutoverthecrowdbeforeglancingdownatmynails.TheonesIstillhaven’tgottendone,eventhoughIsworethatwasoneofthefirstthingsIwasgoingtodowhenIwentonmaternityleave.
“Whyishehere?IthoughtthiswassomePodunkrodeo,notthefancybullridingcircuittheydo.”
Summerelbowsme.“YouliveinthisPodunktownnow,remember?”
Ido.AndIloveit.SamelittlehouseSloanehelpedmemoveinto.
“Anyway,hecametodoademo.Rhettthoughtifhebroughtinabigname,itmighthelpdrawthecrowdabit.”
Iglancearoundandcan’tdenythathisplanworked.It’spacked.“IthoughtTheowasn’tthatgood?”Ilie.I’vecheckedhisstats.
Summerhuffsoutalaugh.“He’salwaysbeengood—abitinjury-prone,maybe.Butinthepastyearhe’sturnedacorner.Changedhisfocus.Nowhe’sthebest,followingrightinhisdad’sfootsteps.He’salreadyplanningforthefinalsinVegas.Itfeelslikeit’shisyear,youknow?”
Mylipspurse.WhatIwanttosayishowconvenientforhim.Itakematernityleaveandhelevelsuphiscareerbecausehewashedhishandscleanofanyresponsibility.NotthatIexpectedhimtodoanything.Butitstillstings.
Idon’tneedhim.Ineverdid.Buthehurtmeallthesame.
Thanksforlettingmeknow
Sometimesthatsentencewakesmeupatnight.Ihopedthateventhoughwewereclearlyincompatible,hemightwanttoplaysomepartinraisingthechildwemade.
Afterall,Iwatchedmydaddoteonalittlegirlbornofanaffairmyentirelife.ThereweretimesIbegrudgedhimforthat,butnow?Now,IcanrespecthimforhowhehandledSummer—evenifhefailedmeintheprocess.
“Cool,”iswhatIrespondwith.Andit’snotsomethingIwouldeversay,whichiswhySummerturnsandeyesmewithsuspicion.
“Wh—”
“Summer!”Willacallsfromtheendoftherowofstandswhereshecarriesthreedrinksineachhand.Iguessallthoseyearsspentbartendingweren’tatotalwaste.“Didyouknowtheyhavemimosasinthebeertent?”
Mysisterrollsherlipstogetherandcastshergazedown.“Imighthaveknown,yes.”Mimosasareherthing.Sheoftenhostsa“BoozyBrunch”assheandWillacallit.
“Man,Rhettcanbereallyromanticsometimes.”Willadropsdownandshovestheplasticcupsinourdirection.“Helpagirlout.”
“Whyaretheresix?”Mynosewrinkles,mindstillonthetoo-good-lookingassholebullriderdownnearthegate.DoIactnormal?Kickhimintheballs?Ignorehim?
“Idon’tknow,Winter.You’rethedoctorhere.Howmanyhandsdowehavebetweenus?”
Iglancedownatus,likeIneedavisualrepresentationofhowmanyhandstherearebetweenthreehumans.
God.TheoSilvahasaknackformakingmelosemybrain.Ialmostdon’tthinkIshoulddrink.Maybethere’ssomethingchemicalbetweenus,becausewhenIpeekathimfrombeneathmylashes,Iseeaflashofhiswhiteteethandalmostfeeltherumbleofhislaughwhenhethrowshisheadback.Socarefree.
AndflashinghisAdam’sapple.IrememberthewayitmovedupanddownwhenIdroppedtomykneesinfrontofhim.HisheadtippedbackinasimilarfashionwhenIfistedhislengthand—
“Winter,stopbeingsuchabuzzkill.”Willapushesthetwodrinksintomyhands,theonesthatarenowclammyandclaspedovermyjeans.
MyfingersfoldaroundthedampplasticcupsandIlookdownatthenewbootsonmyfeet.Palebrowncowboybootieswithametalembellishedtoe.Because,apparently,Ican’twearnormalshoestothiseventwithoutbecomingsomesortofpariah.
Summer’ssnakeskinbootsareasubtletouchwithherwhiteWBRFtee.ButWillahasadoptedthelifestyle.Theboots.Thejeans.ThesparklybeltwithhermaneofcopperyhairblownoutandcurledlikesomesortofrodeoBarbie.
Thetwoofthemtalkaroundmeabouttheevent.Today’slineup.Thefinalnightofthethree-dayrodeoandwhatasuccessit’sbeen.
Itakeasipofmymimosaandwillmyselftoremaincalmaseventspass.Barrels,roping,somethingwheresmallchildrentrytostayonsheepandeveryonelaughswhentheyfalloff.SummerandWillapatmybackandtrytoengagemeinconversation.TheythinkI’mworriedaboutVivi,butallIcanthinkaboutisthatherfatherisrightfuckingthere.
I’veimaginedthismomentinmyheadamilliontimes.WhatI’ddo.WhatI’dsay.I’veoscillatedbetweenhatinghimandunderstandinghischoice.
ButI’venevergottenoverhowhisreactiondoesn’tmatchthemanIthoughtImetthatnight.Sure,hewaswildandcarefree,buthefeltlikeanoldsoulsomehow.Therewasagentlenessinhim.
Aroughnesstoo.
Chokeonit,Winter.Iblinkthememoryaway,notwantingtogothere.
“Oh,heregoesTheo.”
Myheadsnapsupandsureenough,themanholdingthemicrophoneinthemiddleoftheringistalkingaboutTheo.Abouthisdad,Gabriel,andtheirfamilylegacy.Abouthisaccoladesandwins.
ButmyeyesarestuckonTheo,hisasslookingwaytoogoodinthosejeans.
Icanresenthimandstilllikehisass.That’sperfectlyacceptable.
“Fuck.Heishot,isn’the?”WillatakesasipofherorangedrinkwithoutsparingSummerormeaglance.Thenshecarriesonwith,“What?I’mstillallowedtowindowshop.”
Mysistersnorts,butIfeelwooden.Hollowedout.Theoclimbsintothechute,bulljostlingaroundbetweenthemetalgates.Buthe’sunaffected.
Hegiveszerofucks.
Hisstubbledchintipsdownashisglovedhandpullsmethodicallyatarope.Ihavenoideawhat’sgoingon.Helookslikehe’sjerkingthatropeoff,anditentrancesmehowhecancomeoffsotranquildespitethechaossurroundinghim.
“Youtryingtoputacurseonhim,Win?”SummernudgesmeandIofferherawansmile,tryingtocoveruphowinsaneImustlookstaringatthemaneveryonethinksIhate.
WhoIdohate.
“Nah,justinterested.Ihaven’tseenbullridinglivebefore.”
“YouwatchalotonTV?”Willacracks.
No,onmylaptopiswhatIalmostreply,butthatwouldraisesomeeyebrows.Thetruthis,whenIwastryingtogetaholdofTheo,Iwouldsometimeswatchhisrides.
“That’llbetheday,”Ireply,forcingmyselftoscanthering.Butmyeyesalwayscomeback.Thehelmetoverhisheaddoesn’thidethelookofconcentrationonhisface.Thewayhistonguedartsoutoverhislipsashehunkersdownonthebull.
Withaswiftnod,theytugthegateopenandthebullburstsoutintothering,headdowntotheground,backhoovesupsohightheyalmostkissthesettingsun.Myheartthudsloudlyenoughtorattlemyribswhilethecrowdarounduscheers.
Foronebriefmoment,Ihopehefallsoff.Ihopehedoesn’thittheeightseconds.It’spettyandlow,butthere’sabitternessinmeoverthefacthecouldsoeasilywalkawayfromme.Fromher.
ButIalsodon’tmuchliketheideaofmychild’sfatherbeingaloser.AtleastI’llbeabletotellherhecanrideabullexceptionallywelloneday.Andthat’ssomething,evenifitdoesn’tmakeupforhimnotbeingapartofherlife.
Theopusheshisbroadshouldersback,hishandheldhighintheair.Hecomesoffperfectlyincontrol,orasincontrolasyoucanbeonathousand-poundanimalwhowantsnothingmorethantodriveyouintothedirt,Isuppose.
AnddriveTheointothedirthedoes.
Onedroppedshoulder,onehardturn,andTheo’sbodylaunchestowardthegroundlikealawndart.
Igasp.Butsodoeseveryonearoundus.Andwhenthebullturnstoleave,andstepsonTheo’sshoulderintheprocess,thereisachorusof“Ooohs,”butI’mupandmovingbeforeIevenhavetimetomakeanoise.
Ihustlepastthepeopleseatedonthebench,headingstraighttowardthefenceofthearena.Guiltgurglesinmystomach,likeIwilledthistohappentohim.WhatthefuckkindofdoctoramI?
Abitterone
Iignoretheanswerandduckthroughthefence.Therodeoclowndrawsthebulltowardtheexit,anditcrossesmymindthatViviennedoesn’tneedtobeleftanorphanifthatbulldecidestoturnaround.
Butallmyemergencytrainingkicksin,andIforgeaheadanyway.CowboyssurroundTheo’sbody,includingRhett,wholooksdistraught.
“Move.”IphysicallypushamanasideandinsertmyselfintothecircleofpeoplearoundTheo.Idroptomykneesathishead,notinghisstillbody.Myhandscupthesidesofhishelmet,holdinghiminplaceuntiltheparamedicscangethere.Ileandownoverhimandseehischestrisingandfalling,butIneedtohearhisbreath—Ineedmoreproof
Thequietwhooshofairhitsmycheekrightashisspicycitrusscenthitsmynose.
Peoplearetooclose.Hovering.Pushingin.
“Backup!”Ibarksharply.
“It’sokay,she’sadoctor,”IhearRhettsaybehindme.“Everybodybackitupabit.”
Thepressofbodiesaroundusrecedes.Ihearsoftfemininesobsandalmostfeelthevibrationofanxietyaroundme.WhenIglanceovermyshoulder,agirldeckedoutinrodeogearhasmakeupstreamingdownherface.
She’sweeping.
Andallthepossibilitiesofwhatthatmeansracethroughmyhead.IhavetoremindmyselfthatIwastheone-nightentertainment.That’swhatIaskedfor,andheprobablyfoundsomeonewhowantedmore.
IstaredownatTheoandamhitwithapangoflonging.Notformyself,butfor…everythingwemissed.Aftereighteenmonthsapart,he’sjustasbeautifulasIremember.Moresoeven.
Andfuck,helookssomuchlikeVivienne.It’salmostalarming.Hownoonehasputittogetheryetisbeyondme.Itdoesn’ttakeadoctortoseeshe’sadeadringerforhim.
Withoutevennoticing,thepadofmyblissfullybareringfingerhasstartedstrokingalongthebareskinofhisneck.Tanandwarm.
AndonceInoticethatI’mdoingit,Idon’tstop.
“Pleasebeokay,”Imurmurundermybreath.
Andthenhiseyesopen,longdarklashesflickinguptorevealthosedarkonyxeyes.Theytakeaminutetofocusinonmeandthenasmall,confusedsmiletoucheshislips.
“Hi,Tink.”9
Theo
Ihissoutabreathwhenwehitapothole.It’snotasbadasthedirtroadleadingoutofthefairgrounds,butit’snotidealeither.
Theotherthingthat’snotidealisthesmallblondestewinginthecorneroftheambulance.Ican’teventurntolookatherproperlywithmyheadstrappeddownontotheboardlikethis.Ifitdidn’thurttolaugh,I’dlaughrightnow.
IknewI’dseeheragainatsomepoint,butthisisn’tquitewhatI’dpictured.
Fromthecornerofmyeye,Iwatchherstaredownatonehandwhileheroppositearmwrapsaroundhermidsection.
Thethingthatwokemeupwashersnarkylittlevoicebarkingateveryonetobackoff,andthefeelofherfingerstrokingmyneck.BeforeIevenopenedmyeyes,Iknewitwasher.It’sbeenwelloverayear,butIstillrememberhowherhandsfeltonme.Thewayshefeltundermyown,alldampandwrithing.
Ithoughtwehadagoodtime.Areallygoodtime.
“Whyareyouignoringme?”Justthevibrationofmyvoiceinmychestsendsshocksofpainthroughmycollarbone.
Iknowit’sbroken,becauseit’sstickingoutthroughtheskin.IpassedoutforasecondtimewhenIreachedupandranmyfingersoverthejaggededge.
Wintertiltsherheadandgivesmeathoroughlyunimpressedlook.“Youmustbekiddingme.”
“Listen,Iknowyousaiditwasasecret,butit’sjustushere.Soyoucanstoppretendingthatwasn’tthebestsexyou’veeverhad.HowmanytimesdidImakeyou—”
“Theo.Shutup,”shesnaps,butit’snotherusualTinkerbellvibe.There’sanedgeofsomethingIcan’tquiteplace.
Pain.
Anditsilencesme.
Theminutesfilledwithsilencestretchbetweenus.Thehumoftheroadbeneaththeambulancetiresandthelightrattleofthedrawersinthebackareouronlycompanions.
AnxietyreplacesdiscomfortasthemainthingI’mfeeling.There’sanunfamiliarheaviness.Ididn’texpecttoseeheragain,andIforsuredidn’texpectthecoldshoulder—evenfromher.
“Howmanyconcussionshaveyouhad,Theo?”Hervoiceisemotionless,butconfident.Verydoctor-y.
Isigh.“Alot.”
“Howmanyisalot?”
“Wetalkingdiagnosedorsuspected?”
Herheadflipsaway.“JesusChrist.”
“LasttimeIgotone,Iwastoldnottogetanymore.”
“Howlongagowasthat?”
“Probablythreeconcussionsago.”
Herheadtapsbackagainstthesingleseatshe’sstrappedinto.“Ican’teventellifyou’rejokingrightnow.”
“I’mnotjoking,justtryingtolightentheblow.Nopunintended.”
Iseehershakeherhead,butshesaysnothing.Iamjokingalittlebit.It’skeepingmefromfallingintoapitofdespairoverwatchingthemostepicseasoncirclethedrainbeforemyeyes.AllmyhardworkandsacrificegoneupinapuffofsmokebecauseIdidafriendafavorandofferedtodoademorideathissmall-townrodeoonan“easy”bull.
Epicallystupid.JustlikemanyofthedecisionsI’vemadeinmylife.
“WhenIstartedout,Ididn’tthinkwearingahelmetlookedascool.”
“Yeah,braininjuriesmakeyoulooksocool,”shescoffs,jawpoppingwithtension.
“HaveyouseentheepisodeofGrey’sAnatomywhereMcDreamydies?”
Herexpressionisoneyou’duseonachild,fullofdeprecation.Butit’salittlelightersomehow.
I’lltakeit.Ilovewatchingthiswomanthaw.
“AreyoutellingmeyouwatchGrey’sAnatomy?”
“Everyepisodeofalleighteenseasons.”
Shelooksconfused.“Why?”
Igotoshrugandinstantlyregretit.“Mymomlovesit.WhenIwasyoungerandlivedwithher,wewatchedittogethereveryThursday.Now,Iwatchitonmyownandthencallhersowecantalkaboutit.It’stheonlyreasonIstillhavecable.”
“Howoften?”Winter’seyesarecomicallywide.
“Everyweek.Well,whiletheseasonisrunning.”
ShestaresatmelikeI’msomeexoticanimalinazoo.“That’s…”
“Areyougoingtosayweird?Don’tbother.Youwon’tconvinceme.Ineverthoughtitwasthatweird.Sure,theguyshavemadefunofmeforitalongtheway.ButIdon’tgiveafuck.She’smymom.SeemsliketheleastIcandoforher.”
Winteralmostjoltsinherseatbeforeshedropshereyestoherlap.Hervoiceishushedwhenshesays,“Iwasn’tgoingtosayweird.”
“You’regonnamakesuretheydoaCTscansothatdoesn’thappen,right?”
Herheadsnapsup.“What?”
“Remember?WeweretalkingabouttheepisodewhereDerekdies.YousureI’mtheonewithaconcussion?”
“I’mnotMeredith.AndyouarecertainlynoMcDreamy.”
“TheygotmarriedonaPost-itnote.”
Herbrowsscrunch.“And?”
“Andwemadeasexcontractonacoaster.Whatwasit?Onenightonly.Wenevertellanyone…”
Idon’tneedtoask.Iknowwhat’sonthatcoaster,andI’mtryingtoseeifshedoestoo.
Theambulancestops,andshestaresatme,notevenatwitchofherlips.Blankandicyandthoroughlyunimpressed.“That’snotfunny,Theo.”
“Iwasn’ttryingtobefunny—”
“Okay,we’rehere,”theparamedicannouncesasheyanksthedoorsopen.
Iseethereflectionofflashingredlightsbouncingoffthehospital.
AndthesilhouetteofWinterescapingtheambulance,gettingawayfrommeasfastaspossible.
***
Myeyesblinkopentotakeinthehospitalroomaroundme.Dimlights.Asteadybeeping.Drynessinmymouth.
“Youmustenjoyspendingtimeatthehospital,”Rhettquipsfrombesideme.
Isqueezemyeyesshutoncemoretogetmybearingsandeventuallygrumbleout,“Ihopeyourstupidrodeowasahugesuccess,asshole.Where’smydog?Oneofthegirlswaswatchinghim.”
ThesoundofRhettshiftinginavinylhospitalchairjoinsthechorusofbeeps.“Don’tworry,Summerhashim.Hemightaswellbeachild,consideringshejustsentmeaphotoofhiminourbedwithher.Andit’snotmyfaultyoudroppedthatinsideshoulderlikearookie.Rightdownthewellyougo.”
MyeyesopenonlysothatIcanshoothimaglare.“Hilarious.ThebestseasonofmylifeistrashedbecauseIdidyouasolidandyou’resittingheretellingmewhatIdidwrong.Nexttime,youridethefuckingbullyourself.You’retheoneeveryonewantstoseeanyway.”
Hislipsflattenandhisarmscross.“Peopleweretheretoseeyou,Theo.Don’tkidyourself.”
Iglanceaway,notingthatwhateverdrugstheygavemeaftersurgeryaredoingagreatjobbecausethere’snopaintospeakof.“PeoplearetheretoseemebecauseI’mGabrielSilva’ssonandyourprotégé.NotbecauseIhaveanyaccoladesofmyown.”
Rhett’sambereyesnarrowonme,hishandssteepledbeneathhischin.“That’snottrue.”
“Don’tbullshitabullshitter,Eaton.TellmewhatI’mknownforintheWBRF?”
Hislipstwitch.“Chasingtail.”
Iswallowmyfrustrationandfocusontheceiling.Ifuckinghatethatforme
“Theo,you’regonnabustatoothgrindingyourmolarslikethat.Everyoneknowswhoyouarebecauseyou’repiecingtogetheroneofthemostimpressiveseasonsanyonehasseen.AbetterrunthanyourdadorIeverwenton.That’sforsure.”
“Somuchforthat.”
“Don’tbeapessimist.Itdoesn’tsuityou.”
“I’mallowedtohaveamoment,Rhett.I’veseenyoubroodovershit.IrememberhowhardyousulkedwhenyoufirstgotsaddledwithSummerasyourbabysitter.Thisistentimesworse.Idon’thavetoalwaysbeinagoodmood.”
“You’llbebackthisseason.You’refarenoughaheadthatyoucanpullitoff.We’llmakesurethatyou—”
Aslightlyraisedvoicecutsinfromthehallwaythroughtheopendoor.“Youdidn’tcheckhishead?”
Adeeperoneresponds.“Hewasperfectlyalert.Laughing.Joking.I’mheadingintherenow.He’salreadyawake.”
“HaveyounotseentheepisodeofGrey’sAnatomywhereDerekShepherddies?ItwasonelittleCTscantodouble-checkthebrainofamanwhohashadmultipleheadinjuries—”
“Winter,relax.”
Rhett’seyeswidenatme.“IfIdidn’tknowanybetter,I’dsayWinterHamiltonlikesyou.She’sbeenafuckingterroroutthere,checkingyourchartsanddemandingupdates.”
I’mabouttorespondtothat,butastoutmanwithgrayhairwandersintomyroom.
Hestopsnearmybed,glassesdroppedlowonhisnose,whilehestaresdownataclipboard.“Mr.Silva,I’mDr.Forrester.Nicetoseeyou’reawake.Surgerywentwell—”
Winterstormsinbehindhim,doingherbestcrabbyTinkerbellimpression,andIcan’thelpbutsmile.“How’syourhead?”
“Winter,”theolderdoctoradmonishesher.
Itannoysme.HeintroduceshimselfasdoctorbutcallsWinterbyherfirstname.
“DoctorHamilton,”Icorrect,lettingsteelseepintomyvoice.
Themanglancesatme,headquirkingtotheside.“Yes?Whatabouther?”
“YoukeepcallingherWinter.Butsheworkshere,right?It’sDr.Hamilton,isn’tit?”
Anawkwardhushpermeatesthespace.Threesetsofeyeslockonmine.Rhett’samused.Dr.Forrester’stakenaback.AndWinter’sconfused.
Themanclearshisthroatandoffersmeaflatsmile.“Right,well,yes.Dr.Hamiltonhereisconcernedaboutheadtrauma,butI’veassuredherthatyouaremostlikelyconcussed.Thehelmetiswhatsavedyou.”
“I’lltakehimforaCTmyself,then.”
TheotherdoctorletsoutabeleagueredsighandRhettfailstostiflealaugh.
IhavetoconfessI’malittlelostastowhyWintercaressomuchaboutthis.I’mnotmadaboutitthough.Ifshewantstoplaydoctor,I’llbethepatient.
“IthinkDr.Hamiltonisright,”Ipipeup,laseringmyeyesinonherseventhoughI’maddressingtheotherdoctorintheroom.“I’dliketogoforaCT,justtobesafe.I’dhatetopullaMcDreamy.”Herlipsflattenandshelooksaway.I’mprettysurethat’sherversionofholdingbackalaugh.“Butfirst,howdidsurgerygo?Allfixedup?WhencanIgetbackon?”
“Surgerywasasuccess.You’vegotashinynewsetofscrewstogowiththeplatealongyourrightclavicle.You’regoingtoneedtodophysio,though.I’mthinkingyou’llbebacktoregularlyscheduledactivitiesinaboutthreemonths.You’reyoungandfit.We’lljusthavetoseehowthoseboneshealup.Couldbesooner.ThoughIcan’trecommendyougettingbackonabull.”
Winterscoffsandrollshereyes,hipcockedoutandfoottappingthepolishedfloor.
“Somethingtoadd,Dr.Hamilton?”Heusestherightwordsthistime,butthewayhesaysthemisalmostworse.
“Yes,actually.”Hereyesnarrowandshedoesn’tbackdownatall.“Hisjobisridingbulls.Tellinghimnottogetbackononeisn’thelpful.Weneedtocomeupwitharehabilitationprogramthatcaterstohimasanathlete.”
“Excellentidea,Dr.Hamilton.Iloveyouryouthfulexuberance.”Hesmilesandstasheshispenintothetopoftheclipboard.“Ifyou’resopassionateabouthisrehabilitationplan,Iinviteyoutocomebackfromyourmaternityleaveandtakeitover.”
Maternityleave?
Winterpales,hercheekslosingtheirangryflushrightbeforemyeyes.Shebitesatherlipandnods,ignoringmygazeinsuchanunnaturalwaythatitmakesmestareatherevenharder.
“MaybeIwill,”shesayscoolly.Andthenshespinsonherheelandmarchesoutoftheroom.
Disappointmentroilsinmygut,becauseI’vebeencarryingatorchforhersincethatnight.AndclearlyIcovereditwell,becauseRhettneverbroughtthisup.Orherupatall.ButIdidn’tcare.Ithoughtwhenthedustsettledforusboth,I’dbeback,annoyingherintogivingmemorethanonenight.Maybeintogivingmeashotatmore.LikemaybeifIgotmyselftogetherenough,I’dbeworthyofthatshot.
Clearlythatshiphassailed.Shewantedthis.AndIshouldbehappyforher.
Butinthewakeofeverythingthat’sgonedowntoday,Idon’tfeelhappyatall.10Winter
Ashrillyapwakesmefromwhathastobeonlyasinglehourofsleep.
Yap.Yap.Yap.
IwonderiftheoathItooktoprotectlivesextendstodogs,becauseaftertwodaysinteethinghell,I’mreadytomurdersomeone.Adogisjustaneasytarget.
You’dthinkthatafteryearsofresidencyandlate-nightstudysessions,I’dbepreparedforthisphaseofmylife.ButthisisthemostexhaustedIhaveeverbeen.
Iamawalking,talkingmilkbagandthesolesourceofcomfortforthemostpreciouslittlehumanI’veeverlaideyeson.You’dthinkanightawayfromherwouldbewhatIneeded,butinstead,therodeowenttoshit,andImissedhersobadlyithurt.
Yap.Yap.Yap.
Islinganarmovermyfaceandgroan,butIcutitoffwhenIrememberIgaveinandkeptVivienneinthebedwithmelastnight.Iknowwhatthebabybookssay.Iknowthemethods.Iknowtherules
Butnoonetellsyoujusthowtiredyou’llbe,howthoroughlybeatendown.Inolongercareaboutherbeingindependent.Ijustwanttosleep.Andiflatchedoninthecrookofmyarmishowthathappens—thenfuckallthatadvice.I’madoctor.Askmehowexhaustionwreakshavoconabody.
Yap.Yap.Yap.
Iturnandpeekdownatthesleepinglittlepersonbesideme.She’ssobeautifulitmakesmychestache.Herpertbuttonnoselookslikeshehasadotofhighlighteronthetip.Pudgycheeks,fullandrosyeveninhersleep.Perfectskin.Whyisperfectskinwastedonababy?Itseemsunfair.I’dhavetakenwrinklesasababytohavethissmooth,softskinnow.
It’sherlashesthatalwaysgetmethough.Similartoherdad’s.Thick,anddark,andlong.Almostlikeoneofthosedollswiththeheavylidsthatflipopenandshut.
Exceptwaylesscreepy.
Yap.Yap.Yap.
Herstraightblackhairflopsoverherheadwhenshestirs,andfrustrationrisesinme.Iswearifsomegoddamndogwakesherupwhenshe’sfinallyasleep,I’mgoingtoloseit.
Islideoutofbedasseamlesslyaspossible,doingmybestninjaimitationtonotmovethebedatall.Thankgodformemoryfoam.OnceI’msafelyoffthebed,IturnupthewhitenoisemachineonthenightstandandsayasmallprayerthatIcanmakeitoutofthisroomwithoutwakingher.
Thisbungalowisfullofcharm.Andbycharm,Imeancreakyfloors.ButIthinkImostlyhavethoseloosefloorboardsmemorizednow.Itwistandturn,combinelongstepswithchoppyonesandwhenmyhandwrapsaroundthecrystaldoorknob,Isayanotherprayerthatthedoordoesn’tsqueak.
Iknowthehingesneedoilingorwhatever,butIkeepforgetting.OrfeelingtootiredtocareonceIhavethetimetodoit.
Thisismynewreality.
Yap.Yap.Yap.
Butayappydognextdoorisnotmynewreality.Irefusetoletitbe,soIswipemycottonrobeoffthebathroomdoorandtieitaroundmyself.Withmyshoulderssquared,Imarchoutthefrontdoorbuthitthebrakestopreventthescreendoorfromslammingbehindmeinmyhuff.
“Whatthehellis—”
Istopinmytracksasmyeyeslandonthewhitepicketfencethatdividesmypropertyfromtheonenextdoor.Therearethreeshirtlessmenmovingfurnitureoutofaboxvan.
Itakeaninventoryofmyself.Barefeetonwarmwoodboards.Heatalreadylickingatwherethebeltofmyrobeistiedaroundmywaist.
Whattimeisit?
ThefullsunoverheadmeansitmustbealotlaterthanIthought.
Yap.Yap.Yap.
“Morning,Win!”MyheadsnapstothemenandIsquint,realizingit’sRhettwithhishairtiedupinsomeweirdlittlebun.Mygazezipstotheside,recognizingBeauwithhisclose-croppedhair,andthen…
Him
It’sbeensevendayssinceIlastsawTheoSilvainthehospital.Idon’tknowhowlonghestayedthereorifheevergottheCTscanIorderedthroughmyfavoritenursebeforeIleft.Idon’tknowwherehe’sbeen,andIsureasshitdon’tknowwhathe’sdoinghere.Shirtlessandlookingthisgoddamnsinful.
It’sannoyingthatIhavetoremindmybrainthathemaybehot,buthe’salsoshitty.
Thanksforlettingmeknow
That’sthesentencethatwilldoit.
“Hi,Tink,”hesayswithasmirk.Andhowdarehesmirkatmelikethataftereverything?Knockmeup,takeoff,andthenflybackintotown,gawkingatmelikeI’mhisnextmeal?
Fuckhim
“Lookingforwardtobeingyournewneighbor.”
MyjawdropsandIalmostlaugh.Whatthefuckkindofcrueljokeisthis?He’splanningonlivingnextdoortoVivienneandpretendingshe’snothis?
“Overmydeadbody.”Icrossmyarms,andhisgazelowersfrommymouthtowheremyrobeundoubtedlygapesopenovertheflimsytanktopI’mwearingbeneath.
“Winter,it’salmostnoon.Didyoujustwakeup?”Beauasksalittlemockingly.
Iturn,rakingmyeyesoverhisbeefyframe,thenRhett’s,whoisthelankierofthetwo.
Theoissomewhereinbetween.I’mlikeGoldilockspickingatype.Toobeefy,toolonghair-y,andthenthere’sTheo.
Evenwithonetonedarminanavy-bluesling,helooksgood.AndIhatemybrainforpracticallysighingandsayingjustright
AlightbrownchihuahuawithagrayingmuzzlerunsstupidcirclesaroundTheo’ssneaker-cladfeet.Foramoment,IfeellikeIfoundakindredspiritintheanimal.
“Winter?”Theo’svoiceissofter,alittlegentlerthantheothertwo.“Youokay?”
Myeyeswidenathim.“Okay?”Disbeliefbleedsintomyvoice.“No,Theo.I’mnotokay.Thatdogisyappingnonstop,andyouarenotallowedtolivenexttome.”
Theothermenchuckleandgetbacktounloadingthemovingvan,butTheo’sperfectlyshapedlipscurveupashisheadtips,revealingtheincisionalonghiscollarbone.“Oh,yeah?IguessI’llhavetochecktheby-laws.FindtherulethatsaysI’mnotallowedtolivenexttoyou.Imusthavemissedit.AndPeter?”Hemotionsdownatthedog,whoseforeheadiswaytoobigandwhosetonguelollsoutofhismouth.Itappearstohavecataracts,whichexplainswhyit’sregardingTheolikehehungthemoon.“He’sdeafandgoingalittleblind.He’sjuststressed.He’llsettleoncewemoveallourstuffinanditfeelslikehome.Hedoesn’tusuallybarkatall.”
NausearoilsinmystomachasIwonderwhatthehellhe’splayingathere.
“Theo,”myvoicecracks.“Whyareyoudoingthis?”
AllthreemenlookupatthetoneinmyvoiceandIrealizethisisn’ttheplacetohavethisconversation.
Theo’sbrowsknittogether.“Jasperofferedmethishouse.It’sclosetothegym.I’lltraintherewhileIrecover,hopefullymakeitbackonthecircuitbeforefall.Iwon’tbehereforlong.”
Theknifeinmyguttwistsharder.
“Areyoukiddingmerightnow?”Isoundbreathless,weak.IsoundshockedandTheolooksforlorn,totallyconfusedbymyreaction.
“Winter,suckitup.Youbarelyknowtheguy,”Beaucallsout,musclesbulgingashecarriesanarmchairtowardthefrontdoor.“Youdon’thavetobefriends.”
IwanttopickuparockandthrowitatBeau’sstupidGIJoehead.Friends.God.Wearemuchmorethanfriends.Andnobodyknowsexceptus.TheshredsofdignityIkeptinmygripwhenIleftRobwereallIhadandadmittingtoanyonethatTheodidn’twantmeeitherwasmorepainthanIwasequippedtohandle.
So,ItoldeveryoneIhadaone-nightstandanddidn’trememberwhotheguywas.
Theproblemis,Irememberthatnightinvividdetail.Andithauntsme.
IshakemyheadatTheo,forthefirsttimefeelinglikeImighttrulyhatehim.Tearswellinmyeyes,whichismysignaltogetthefuckoutofhere.
Theostepsclosertothefence,hisfaceetchedwithconcern.Heliftshisgoodarmlikehe’sabouttostopme.Likethere’ssomethinghewantstosay.
ButIdon’twanttohearanythinghehastosay.AndIdon’twanttobreakdownherewiththeguyswatching.
So,Iturnawayandtossoutovermyshoulder,“Shutyourdogup,Theo.Ifitwakesmybabyup,I’llcastrateyou.”
ThenIslamthedoorontheminafitoffrustration.
ThenIhearVivienne’sstartledcry.
ThenIsinktothefloorandcrytoo.11Theo
“HardtobelieveSummercameoutsonicewhenhersistercameoutlikethat.”Beaushakeshisheadashecomesbackdownthefrontstepswithemptyhands.
“Winterisnice.”Thesentencecomesoutwithmoreforcethanintended,morethanisappropriateforthesituation.ButIthinkI’vefeltprotectiveofthatwomansincethefirstnightIlaideyesonher.
Ididn’tknowthenhowdesperatelysheneededsomeonetobe.Thatnoonehadeverbeenthatforher.Thatshe’sbeenfendingforherselfsincebeforesheshouldhaveneededto.
Beauscoffs.“WiththosemoodsI’msurprisedshefoundsomeonewillingtoknockheru—”
“Beau,shutup,”Rhettcutshimoff.“She’sdonealotforyou.She’sfamily.Ifwe’regonnatalkabouthermoods,maybeit’stimewetalkaboutyours,hmm?”
ThetwobrothersstareeachotherdowninthefrontyardofthehouseI’llberentingforthenextfewmonths.Mychestvibrateswithtension,partiallybecauseifthesetwogonutsoneachother,Iwillnotjumpin.I’msmarterthanthat.
ButtensionbuildsinmeallthesameasIfixateonthewillingtoknockheruppart.Idon’tknowhowoldthebabyis,andIdon’tknowthespecificsofhowlongthatprocesstakesbeyondthatnine-monthmarker,butIsuddenlyhavetheurgetopulloutacalendarandcheck.
Beaustaresbutsaysnothing.Sincegoingmissinginactiononanassignmentoverseas,hehasn’tbeenthesame.He’sphysicallyhealed,buthe’sdifferent.Darker.
“I’mgoingtotakeawalk,”hemuttersanddropshisbrother’sgaze,shouldersslumpingasheedgespastusandoutthewhitegate.
Rhettpropshishandsonhishipsandletsoutalongbreath.“Ihatewhenthatversionofhimpopsup.”
“Yup,”isallIcomebackwithbecause,well,Idon’tknowwhatelsetosay.AlthoughIdon’tknowBeauwell,I’mfamiliarenoughwiththeEatonfamilytoknowHarveywouldgivehimagoodshakefordisrespectingWinter.
“It’sgettingbetter,butnowandthenI’djustliketodeckhim.It’slikeWintergoingoutofherwaytohelphimwithtreatmentbackhomehasirritatedhimsomehow.”
“Whatdidshedo?”
“Idon’tknow.Gothiminwithsomedoctorstohelpwiththescars.Prettysureshetoldhimheneededtherapy,butinwhateverWinter-wayshe’dhaveoftellinghimthat,whichwentoverpoorly.He’saterriblepatient,alwayshasbeen.Buthealsodoesn’ttellanyoneshit—that’snotneweither.”
IthinkofhowI’vefelt,goingfromcapabletoinjured,andcanseeit.WatchingthesetwounloadthetruckwhileImovelighterthingswithonehanddoesn’texactlyhavemefeelinguseful.
“ThemoreIseehimnow,themoreIrealizethatevenwhenhewashome,hewasn’t.Hisheadwasalwaysoffonassignmentsomewhere.He’dwaltzinandbeallhappy-go-lucky.ButIcan’thelpbutwonderifthatwasanact.Yaknow?”
RhettlooksdownthesidewalkwhereBeau’soutlinehasnowroundedthecornerontothemainstreetofChestnutSprings.Ihaveasinkingsuspicionhewon’tbebackforawhile.
“Right,well…I’lldoeverythingIcantohelpyouwiththerestofthis.”
Myfriendshrugsandglancesbackatthetruck.“It’sokay.IcancallSummer,seeifshecanscootoverfromthegymtomovetheheavypieces.Let’sjustdoalltherest.”
Ican’thelpbutsmile.HeandSummeraresodamngoodtogether.
“Youthinkshecansquatmorethanyou?”
Rhettcracksagrin.“Idon’tthink.Iknow.”
Withachuckle,IscoopPeterup,becauseassoonasIstartwalking,he’sgoingtobarkatmyfeet.There’salaundryroominthebasementandhe’llgetsetuptherewithabed,food,andwater.Ijusthopetheconcretewallsdrownouthisannoyedyipsatbeingleftbehind.
Inuzzlethetopofhisbubblylittlehead.“Bequiet,okay?Wecan’thaveeveryonenextdoorcrying,alright?It’snotgentlemanly.”
Heshakesinresponse.Asachihuahuadoes.OrsoIlearnedwhenIrushedhimtothevetforshakingallthetime.
ThenI’mbacktoallmyworldlybelongingsinthebackofthattruck.It’snotmuch,becauseI’veneverreallyhunkereddownanywhere.Overthepastfouryears,I’vespentthebetterpartofmytimeontheroad.IspendafewdayshereandtherewithmymomatherplaceinEmeraldLake,butmoreoftenthannot,IcrashatthesmallcondoIrentinthecity.It’spracticallyastoragelockerandnotverywellequipped,butit’sallI’veneeded.
AndthethoughtoflivingthereforafewmonthswhileIrecoverfeltdepressing.SohereIam,beingswallowedupbytheEatonfamily.Idon’tevenknowwhosuggestedthislivingarrangementanymore.Summer?BecauseIcouldrehabathergym?Harvey?WhosaidIshouldn’tbealone?Sloane?Whosaidsheknewtheperfecthouse?
Whoeveritwas,Iwasn’tsadaboutit.
ButIdidn’tknowWinterwouldlivenextdoor.
Oncewe’vegotthefourchairssetaroundthesquaretableinthediningroom,Ifinallybreakdownandask,“Sowhat’sthedealwithWinter?”
Rhettswipesahandoverhisforehead.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Idon’tknow.She’slivingoutherenow.Shehasababy?She—”
Hehuffsoutalaugh.“Don’tharassherlikeyoudidthatnightattheChristmasdinner.She’sgotenoughonherplatewithoutyouairhumpinginherdirectionlikethatlittledogofyours.”
Mynosescrunchesup.“Peterdoesn’tairhump.”
“Whydoesyourdoghaveahumanname?EverythingsoundssomuchweirderwhenIimagineanaccountantorsomethingairhumping.Plus,Summersentmeavideoofhimhumpingmypillowwhenwetookcareofhim.”
“That’snotairhumpingthough.That’shimhumpingyourpillow.Don’tjudgehim.”
Rhettwheezesoutalaugh.“Doyouknowthatdoggetsbonersrandomlysometimes?Likehe’lljustbesittingthereandhavehisredrocketout.”
“You’dbeinthesameboatifyoucouldn’twearpants.”
“Leaveittoyoutogettheworld’shorniestdog.”
Ilaugh.“He’snothorny.Thosearestressboners.”
“Whatthefuckisastressboner?”
Scrubbingahandovermyjaw,Itrytokeepittogetherandnotburstoutlaughing.Peterdeservesmydefenserightnow.“Hejustgetsnervous,orexcited,oroverstimulatedsometimesandithappens.”
Rhett’sshouldersshakesilentlyashecrosseshisarmsandleansbackagainstthewall.“Theo,allyoudidwasdescribethedifferentemotionssomeonefeelswhentheygetanormalboner.”
“It’sdifferent.”Ilookaway,bitingattheinsideofmycheektokeepmygrinunderwraps.“StoppickingonPeter.”
“Youevennamedhimafterapenis.”
“What?HisfullnameisPeterPan.”
“Peteris—”Hewavesmeoff.“Youknowwhat,nevermind.Themoralofthestoryis:keepyourstressbonersawayfromWinter.”
“Why?”
“Becauseshe’sgotherplatefullenoughwithVivi.Shedoesn’tneedyoumakingmoreworkforher.”
“Doesshehavehelp?”
“Isthatyourwayofaskingifshe’ssingle?”
“Jesus,Rhett.Givemealittlecredit.”
“Right.”Hegrins.“Ikeepforgettingyou’reamonknow.Butno,shedoesn’t.She’sallonherown.Andthatwomanisanisland,soifyoufigureoutawaytohelpherthatisn’twithyourdick,I’mallforit.Mowherlawnorsomething,yeah?”
Ican’thelpit.IwagglemyeyebrowsatRhett.
“Goodlord.”Hiseyesroll.
“What?Youjusthandedmeanalley-oop.Onlyaloserwouldn’ttakethatjokeandrun.”
Hisheadisshaking,buthe’sallsmiles.Iknowhefeelsguiltyaboutmyinjuryandhe’shereplayingmentor-on-steroidsjusttomakeupforit.
“So…who’sthedad?”Ipressfurther.
Rhett’seyesnarrow.“Why?”
“IjustwanttoknowwhatI’mgettingintowhenImowherlawn.LikeifIseeadudelurkingaround,shouldIworry?”
Rhettscoffs.“Beatsme,man.LikeIsaid,she’sanisland.Thatbabygirlisninemonthsold,andnoonehasacluewhothedadis.Shehasn’ttoldasoul.Saysshewasdrunkanddoesn’tremember.”
Andjustlikethat,allmyjokesturntostoneandlandheavyinmygut.
Ireallyneedtolookatacalendar.
***
ImanagedtokeepasmileonmyfacearoundRhettwhileheandSummerfinishedhelpingmemovein.Buteventheynoticeditwasforced.
WhenRhettaskedmeifIwassore,Isaid,“Yeah.”Butitwasn’tmybrokencollarboneorbruisedbody.Itwasthetightknotconstrictingmystomach.
Ihaven’tmovedoffthisspotonmycouchsincetheyleft.FirstthingIdidwaspullupthecalendaronmyphone.Peteriscurledupsmackdabinthemiddleofmylap,wherehelikestobe,snoringlikeheweighsalotmorethantenpounds.
Don’tgotoohardonher.She’ssotired.She’sjustdoingherbest.Sheneedsallthesupportshecanget,whetherornotshewantsit.
Summer’sassessmentofhersister’ssituationdidn’tmakemefeelanybetter.Infact,itmademeabitsick.
BecauseIhaveafeeling.Agutinstinct.
AndIdon’twanttoberight.BecauseifIam?
God.IfIam,I’vereallyfuckedup.
Acrashofthunderoutsidestartlesme,butPetercarriesonsnoring,justdeafenoughnottonotice.Blissfullyunaware.
Fuck
IsthatwhatI’vebeen?
Iliftthesmalldogoffmylapandsquishhimintothecornerofthecouch,coveringhiminafuzzyblanketsothatonlyhislittleheadandthedirtyglarehe’sgivingmepeekbackout.ThetipofhistongueispushedoutbetweenthehugegapinhisteethwhereIhadtohavetherottenonesremoved,andgrayhairsdothismuzzle.
“I’llberightback.Don’tgivemethatlook.”
Hemakesasmallgruntingnoiseandshutshiseyesashisdismissal.AndthenI’mheftingleadfeetacrossthefloor,equalpartsdreadinggoingnextdoorandfeelingpulledinawaythatIcan’tfightorresist.
Ineedtogothere.Ineedtoknow.
Aftershovingmyfeetintoapairofslip-ons,Iopenthedoorandstepoutintothedownpour.Thunderrollsinthedistance,andafewsecondslater,theskyilluminates.Inthesummer,itstayslightuntillateontheprairies,butthestormcloudshavecastadarkeerieglowoverthetree-linedstreet.MyT-shirtandjeansaresoakedwithinsecondsasImakemywaydowntheshort,narrowsidewalk,outthefrontgate.Iturnanddothereverseuptothewhitehousenexttomyblueone.Therowoffourhousesallhavethesamebuild,butSloane’sattentiontodetailwhensherenovatedthemmakeseachhomeunique.
Itrudgeupthefrontsteps,eyesonmyfeet,thesenseofdreadinmychestexpandinguntilitfeelslikehardlabortoevenbreathe.Myhandraises,andafingerextendstopressthedoorbell,butIhesitatewhenIthinkofhowexhaustedWinterlookedtoday.Sheseemedirateoverthenoiseearlier,soIconsiderifringingthedoorbellismybestoption.
Thetruthis,Idon’tknowwhattodo.
So,Isitonhertopstep,dropmyheadintomyhands,andwait.12Winter
Winter:WhyisTheoSilvamovinginnextdoor?Whookayedthis?YouorJasper?
Sloane:Isitaproblem?Ididn’teventhinkyou’dcare.Youguysgotinthatspat,what?Ayearandahalfago?
Winter:Nevermind.
Sloane:Oh,shit.
***
Myphonevibrateswhenmotionatthefrontdoortripsthealarmsystem.Islidethescreenopenandpullupthevideofeed.
AndthereisTheo,sittingonmyfrontporchwithhisheadinhishands.Notwearingtheslingthathestillshouldbe.
I’mtorn.Thebittershe-devilononeshoulderwantstoleavehimouttheregettingsoaked,butthecuriouscaretakerangelontheoppositeshoulderwantstomakesurehe’sokay.
BecauseI’veneverseenhimlookbeatendown.Eveninthehospital,hewascrackingjokesandflyingtomydefenselikeIneededthatfromhim.
IpaddownthehallwaytowardVivi’sroomandpeekinonher.She’sflatonherback,armssplayed,withhertinyfingerscurledintoloosefists.
Iwanttosleeplikethatagain.Instead,IfeellikeI’minthisconstantstateofalertnesswhere,evenwhenI’mexhausted,Ifinditdifficulttorelaxenoughtotrulysleepdeeply.
Afterthesoftclickofherdoorshutting,IwaitwithbatedbreathtoseeifI’vewokentheteethingmonster.
One.Two.Three.
IpressmyeartoherdoorandwhenIhearnosignsofmovement,adeepsighlurchesfrommychest.Relief.
UntilIrememberwhoissittingonmyfrontporch.ButIapproachthefrontdoorwithacoollevelofdetachmenttaughttomeinmedschool.OneI’vespit-polishedintoaperfectshineworkingintheemergencyroom.
OneImasteredasachild,ifI’mbeinghonest.
Myhandwrapsaroundtheknob,andwithanaggressivetug,IyankthefrontdooropenandstaredownintothesecondmostbeautifulsetofbrowneyesI’veeverseen.
It’simpossiblenottogawkforatleastamoment.Theo’swethairhugshisforeheadanddropsofwaterclingtothetwopeaksofhistoplip.RainhasplasteredhiswhiteT-shirttohisbodyinthemostobsceneway.
“Whyaren’tyouwearingyoursling?”
Thatiswhatmybraindecidestoopenwith,evenasIgazedownintohistorturedeyes.Heunfoldshimself,andwhenhestepscloser,I’mforcedtotipmychinupinordertoholdhisstare.
“Winter,Ineedyoutotellmethetruth.”
Icanfeelmyheartbeatinginmythroat,andIliftahandtoquelltheachethere.“Okay.”
“Isthebabymine?”
Myfacegoesslack.Isthebabymine?Ishefuckingkiddingme?Thecrashofthunderhitsmelikeaslap.“That’snotfunny,Theo.”
“I’mnottryingtobefunny,Winter.”
“We’vealreadytalkedaboutthis,soIdon’tknowwhatyou’replayingat.”
“Talkedaboutthis?”Hisfacescrunchesandhisarmsgestureopenoneithersideofhim.
I’llgiveittohim.Heappearstobegenuinelyconfused.“Yeah.IbelievethelasttextmessageIreceivedfromyouwas”—myhandsgesturebesidemyheadinairquotes—“Thanksforlettingmeknow.”
ForaslongasIlive,Idon’tthinkI’llforgetthelookonTheo’sfacerightnow.Ijustwatchedaheartbreakrightinfrontofme.AndIrememberhowitfeels.I’mfamiliarwiththesensationofeverythingyouthoughtyouknewtopplingdownaroundyou.
Theexpressiononhisfaceishauntedandmyhandmovesupfrommythroattocovermymouth.“Ohgod,”Iwhisper.“Youreallydidn’tknow.”
Ifeeloutsideofmyself.Aboveus,observing.LikeI’mwatchingtwopeopleinteractinamovieorTVshow.
Thiscan’tbereal.
Adisbelievinglaughescapeshim.“Nah.Youcan’tbeserious.”
Istareback,notsurewhattosay.
Hepacesandletsoutanotherlaugh.Thistime,itsoundsalittleunhinged.“Yougottabejoking.”Fasterthanthelightningstreaksacrossthesky,heturnshisbacktomeandjogsdownthesteps.“Howdid…”Heswipesahandthroughhishairandglancesaroundthesoggyfrontyard.“Howcome…”Thoseusuallyhappyeyesswimwithdevastationwhenheturnshisgazebackonme.“Whendidyou…”
“Twoweeksorsoafter.Itriedcontactingyousomanytimes.Idon’tknow…”
Hisforearmflexesashewipeshishandoverhismouth.“No.”Helaughs,butitbordersonasob.“You’retellingmeIhaveadaughterandImisseditall?Thepregnancy?Thebirth?Everything?”
ItstrikesmeI’mwatchingamanunravelrightbeforemyeyes.Abeautiful,shockedman.I’vespentthepasteighteenmonthsassumingtheworstaboutTheo,andhereheis,crumblingtopieces,liketherainisdisintegratingtheclaythatholdshimtogether.
Mymouthopens,butIdon’tknowwhattosaytohim.Imean,yeah,hemissedallthosethings.AndIdon’tknowwhy,butbasedonthewayhe’sgonebacktopacingandtuggingathishair,Ihavetoassumehedidn’tdoitonpurpose.
“Winter.Don’tfuckwithme.Areyouserious?”
Helooksdownrightforlorn.Soakedandbedraggled,hemakeshiswaybackupthesteps.Icanhearhisbreathingnow,notjustpants,butasortofkeeningsoundoneachexhale.Afistthumpsagainsthischest.
“Winter.”Nowmynameishimpleadingwithme.
He’spanicking.Trulypanicking.
“Theo.”MyhandsshootoutandIholdhischeeks,forcinghimtocometoastandstill.Igriphisskull,hisstubbleroughonmypalms,hisdampnecksmoothundermyfingertips.“Stop.Tellmethreethingsyoucanhear.”
Hisbodyheavesashestaresbackatme.Momentspass.
“Rain.”
Inod.
“Thunder.”
Ilickmylips.
“Yourfingerrubbingthebackofmyhead.”
Iswallowandpressmyoppositehandtohischest.Hisheartthundersbeneathmypalm.“Okay.Nowthreethingsyoucansee.”
Hiseyesrakeoverme,andIdon’tletgoofhishead.“Yourwhitehouse.Thestrollerfoldedbythefrontdoor.”Hisvoicecracks.
Imassagethebackofhisneck,tryingtobringhimbackdown.
“You.”
Mylipspresstogether,mygazebouncingbetweenhiseyes.Heseemscalmernow.“Yeah.Good.”Mygripsoftens,myhandsslidingdowntohisshoulderswiththesoothingsoundofrainfallinginthebackground.
Iwatchhimclosely.
Hishandshanglimplyathissides,butit’sthetremorinhisvoicewhenhesays,“CanIseeher?”thathasmyeyesfillingwithtears.
Idon’tknowwhatthefuckisgoingonrightnow,butIdoknowthatthemanatmydoordeservestoseehisdaughter.Inodandturntoopenthedoor,allowinghimintoourhouse.Hispresenceislargeandconsumingwhenhestepsinside
Ipointattheshoerack,tryingtoignorethepressofhisbodybehindme.Eveninamomentlikethis,theairbetweenushums.Itmakesmewanttoleanbackintohimandhavehisarmswraparoundme.
Itwouldfeelsogoodtobeheldbysomeone.
Instead,Irushahead,paddingquietlydownthehallwaytograbhimatowel.WhenIreturnandgiveittohim,Ichancealookathischiseledface.Hisnormallytanskinisnowaperfectmatchforthewhiteterryclothinhishands.
Itrynottostareashedrieshimselfoff,optingtogloweratmyfingersinstead.Stillnomanicure.
Asadlaughbubblesupinmythroat.
“What?”Theofocusesontowelingoffhiswethairnow,bicepbulgingandflexingashereachesupoverhishead.
“Ijust…nothing.It’ssilly.”
“No,tellme.”
Whenthesighleavesme,myentirebodysagsinitswake.HeatbloomsonmycheeksasIstaredownatmyoutstretchedhands.“Itsoundsridiculous,butforalongtime,I’vebeentellingmyselfthatI’mgoingtostartgettingmanicures.Idon’tknowwhy.Ijustwantthem.Ican’thavemynailspaintedatthehospitalandthejobistoohardonmyhandsanyway.IkeepmeaningtodoitwhileI’moffwork,butIjust…haven’t.”
WhenIpeekup,TheoisstaringatmewithanintensityIdon’tthinkI’veeverseenanymandirectatmeinmylife.WhichIsupposemakessense.He’sguttedandI’mstandingheretalkingaboutwantingtogetmanicures.
Ihithimwithawaterysmile.“Justdropthetowelthere.Ignorethemess.”IwincealittlewhenIgazeoutoverthekitchenandlivingroom.Itcouldbeworse,butthereareunfinisheddishesinthesink,coffeepodsonthecounter,andtoysalloverthelivingroomfloor.It’sallproofthatIamjustdoingwhatneedstobedonetogetthroughthisgodforsakenteethingphase.“It’sbeenaroughcoupleofdays.”
HesaysnothingandIdon’tchancealookinhisdirectionbeforeIleadhimdownthehallwaytowardVivienne’sroom.Iknowtheintrusionmightwakeher,butthisseemslikeoneofthosemomentswhereitdoesn’tmatter.Ifthethunderhasn’tdoneityet,maybewe’reintheclear.
Withagentleclick,Iopenthedoortothenursery.It’sabeautiful,cozyroomthatcametogetherwithalotofsupportfromeveryoneouthereinChestnutSprings.Sloanehelpedmepaintitthesoftestpink,withhigh-glosswhiteonthecrownmoldings.Lacecurtainslayovertheblackoutdrapesbehindthem.Thecribisfrommydad—hesentitinthemail.TherockingchairisfromHarvey,afamilyheirloomthatI’msureIdon’tdeserve.Hebroughtitoverandplaceditinthecornerhimself.Willabroughtalltheusefulthings,adiapergenie,awipewarmer,loadsofspitrags.AndSummerstillhasn’tstoppedbuyingherclothes.
ThewayeveryoneralliedaroundmeisstillalmostmorethanIcancomfortablythinkabout.
Iwalkacrosstheroomandopentheblinds,allowingthesoftgraylightfromoutsidetoilluminatethenursery.Theostandsinthedoorway,motionless.
IpeekdownatVivi,stillinthesameblissfulpositionasthelasttimeIcheckedonher.Then,withadeep,centeringbreath,ImarchacrosstheroomandwrapmyhandaroundTheo’s.HispalmisdampandclammyasIleadhimovertotheedgeofthewhitecrib.
Andthenwestandthere.Twopeoplewhobarelyknoweachother.
Staringdownatourdaughter.Himforthefirsttime.Andmeforthemillionth.
Afteronlyafewbeats,heshiftshisfingerssothattheylinkbetweenmine.Hishandsqueezes,anditfeelslikehe’ssqueezingatmyheartinstead.WhenIlookupathim,hiseyesarewideandunblinking.
“Winter.”Mynameisabreathonhislipsthistime.Hereachesdownandtrailsaknuckleoveroneofherfullcheeks.Herlittlelipsmakeasucklingmotion,andsheturnsherheadintohistouch.
“Ohgod.What’s—”Hisfreehandclampsupoverhismouth.“Where’sthebathroom?”
“Straightacrossthehall.”Ibarelygetthewordsoutbeforehe’sgone.
IfollowandhearhimheavingasIapproachthedoor.He’sleftitslightlyajar,andIcanseeasliverofhimhunchedoverthetoilet,handsinhishair,lookingutterlydefeated.
Istepawaytogivehimsomeprivacy.AndthenIslidedownthewallbesidethebathroomdoorandhangmyheadinmyhandsbeforegivingmyselfovertomyownfeelingsofnausea.
Somethingwentwrongalongtheway.I’mnotsurewhat,orwhere.AllIknowisthemaninmybathroomwouldneverhavesentmethattext.13Theo
I’vemissedsomuch.
It’sthesentencethatkeepsrunningthroughmyhead.Theonethathammersatmyheartuntilithurts.TheonethathasmeheavingasthoughIcouldexpelthethoughtfrommybody.
MyheadsnapsupwhenIhearasoftknockagainstthedoor.“Theo?I,uh…Ibroughtyousomemouthwash.CanIcomein?”
Iflush,stand,andopenthedoortherestoftheway.Inmyhaste,Ididn’ttaketimetocloseitandlockit.MyvisionwentblurryattheedgesandmystomachturnedoveronitselfastherealizationthatIhaveachildstruckmedowntomyknees.
Alittlegirl.
AndI’vemissedsodamnmuch
ItakeWinterin,reallytakeherin,seeingherinadifferentlightnow.Hairtossedupinamessybun.Facemakeup-freewithdarkcirclesundertheeyesthatarefixedonmineandwideassaucers.ShelookstiredbuthealthierthanthelasttimeIsawher.There’saglowabouther,likeshespendstimeoutside.
IletmyeyestraildownherbodybutsnapthembackuptoherfacewhenIgettoherchest.Herloosetanktophidesnothingandshe’snotwearingabra.Gawkingattheoutlineofhernipplesthroughthethingrayfabricisn’twhatthemomentcallsfor,soIfocusonhericy-blueeyes,swirlingwithsomanyquestions.
Butshedoesn’taskthem.
Sheholdsoutawhiteplasticcup,halfwayfilledwithaliquidthatmatcheshereyes.“Here.”
WhenItakethecup,ourfingerstouch.Foraminute,Irestthepadofmyindexfingeroverthetipofhers.Islideituptothenextknuckle,feelingasthoughI’mtouchingtheedgeofallthewaysIneedtosaysorry.Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.
“Thankyou.”Itossthemintyliquidback,thenbracemyhandsoverthesinkandstaredownthedrainasItrytocometogripswithallthewaysmylifehaschangedtoday.
Adaughter
Anotherwaveofnauseahitsme,soIspit,rinse,andsitonthefloorwithmybackleanedagainstthetub,assplunkeddownonaplushpinkbathmat.
“Wannacomesitinthelivingroom?”Winter’svoiceissmooth,calm.I’veheardpeoplecallhericy,butIseeastrongwoman.OneIadmireevenmorenow
“IthinkIshouldstayclosetothetoilet.”IglanceatthepinkfoamyduckcoveringthetapandorganicbabysoapwithlittleABCblocksonthefrontlabel.
Herlipsrolltogetherassheregardsme.“Listen,it’scleaninherebutlike…notthatclean.”
“Tobefrank,thecleanlinessofyourbathroomisthelastthingIcareaboutrightnow.”
Herlashesflutterintimewiththenervouswayshenodsherhead.“Yeah.Okay.”
Tomysurprise,sheputsthemouthwashonashelfandheadsinmydirection,ploppingdownontothebathroommatrightbesideme.
Hersoftjerseyshortsslouchdownoverherthighswhenshepropsherkneesupandherbarelegpressesagainstmine.“Isthisokay?”
Inod,eyesstillfixedonhersmoothtanthigh,herfemursomuchshorterthanmine.Irememberhowitfelttogripthatthigh,howshewrappedthembotharoundmywaistandtuggedmeclose.
Theroundlightsabovethevanityhumandtheonlyothersoundsinthebathroomarethesoftsplatterofrainagainstthewindowsandusbreathingintime.
“What’shername?”Awaterylaughfollowsmyquestion.“Pleasetellmeyoudidn’tnameherAutumn.”
Wintersnortsandherheaddrops.“Fuck.Iwouldnever.”Thensheturnsherfaceuptomine,sadnessetchedintoherbeautifulface.“HernameisVivienneHamilton.ButweallcallherVivi.”
Weall
Thosetwowordshitmelikeatonofbricks.Weall.Everyonehereknowsher.Hasseenhergrow.Gottobetherewhenshewasborn.
AndI’vehadnoidea.
“Doesshehaveamiddlename?”
“No.”
Inod.Whocaresaboutamiddlename?God,I’manidiot.
“Whatdayisherbirthday?”
“Septembertwenty-second.WouldhavebeenstupidtonameherAutumnwithabirthdatelikethat.”
Ichuckle,butit’sstrangled.“Howwaslabor?”
Sheblinksupatme.“Labor?”
“Yeah.Herbirth.Howwasit?”
“It…it…”Shepauses.“Sorry,Iwasn’texpectingyoutoaskmethatquestion.”
“Iwanttoknoweverything,Winter.Everylittledetail.”
“Okay.”Herfacescrunchesupalittle.“Well,noteverylittledetail.”
“Mymomisamidwife.Youcan’tshockmeafteryearsoflisteningtohertellbirthstories.”
Mymom.Anotherrocklandsinmystomach.Thiswillguther.She’llbeexcitedbutheartbrokenallatonce.Iknowbecausethat’showI’mfeelingrightnow.
“Honestly,itwasincredible.Powerful.Andexhausting.Butsorewarding.ShewashealthyandsowasI.”
IswallowthewordsIshouldhavebeenthereoverthelumpinmythroat.
“Theo?”Herkneenudgesmine.“IfIwasn’ttalkingtoyou,whowasItalkingto?IgotyournumberfromtheHamiltonAthleticsmemberlist.”
“ItwasprobablyGeoffatHamiltonElite.”
“Wait.”Sheholdsahandup.“Atmydad’swork?”
Inod,staringatmyhands,pressingonthecallousedpads.“IrefocusedafterthatChristmasandcutoutallthenoise.Allthesocialmedia,allthe…”ItipmyheadbackandgroanasIlookupattheceiling.
“Women?”Winterprovideswithnoinflectioninhervoice.
“Yeah.Anewphoneseemedliketheeasiestwaytodisconnect.IhandedthatoneoversoGeoffcouldmanagemysocialmediaaccounts.Itoldhimtotellmeifanythingimportantcamethrough.”
“Hmm.”Shenods,longandslow,almostrockingherbodywiththeweightofit.
“Doyoustillhavethemessages?”
“Notthevoicemails.”Shesniffsasshefishesherphoneoutofherpocket.Afterafewswipes,shehandsittome.TheoSilvaisthecontactatthetop,andIdouble-checkthenumber.Iknowsheseesmedoit,becauseIfeelhertense.ButIneedtoknowforsureshecontactedthecorrectperson.
Thenumberisright,andpartofmewishesitwasn’tsoIcouldbeangryatherfornottryinghardertogetintouchwithme.Iwantsomeoneotherthanmyselftoblameforthiscolossalfuckingmess.
ButwhenIreadthemessagesinthechat,allthosefeelingsevaporate,andintheirplacecomesanoppressivedread.Grief.Asicktwistinginmystomach.Becausenowomaninherrightmindwouldcontinuetryingtotrackmedownaftergettingmessagesbacklikethis.
I’mnotinterestedintalking.
Thanksforlettingmeknow.
I’mgoingtokillGeoffwithmybarehands.Hemightbetheonlypersonintheworldwhowoulddeemthesemessages“notimportant.”
Anxietyunfurlsinmychest.I’moverwhelmedbytheinstincttotakethisjumbledclusterfuckanduntangleit.MakethingsasrightasIcan.
WhenIglancebackatWinter,she’scurledinonherself,hergazefixatedonherfingernailsagain.
“Winter.Lookatme.”
Hertonguedartsouttotakeanervousswipeatherlips,butshedoesn’tturnhergazemyway.
Ireachover,ignoringthesharpbiteinmycollarbone,andguideherchingentlywithmyfingers.Whenshefinallygivesmehereyes,Iletmygazetracethem,wantingtoknowIhaveherfullattention.
“IfIhadknown,I’dhavebeenhereeverystepoftheway.Supportingyouinwhateverwayyouneeded.AndWinter?”
“Yeah?”Forthefirsttimetonight,hervoicesoundsweak.
Icatchastraytearthatslidesdownovertheappleofhercheekandbrushitaway,tampingdowntherageinmychestoverhowthisentirethingplayedout.“NowthatI’mhere?I’mhere.Okay?Noexpectations,butIwantyoutoletmehelpyou.Iwanttogettoknowherifthat’sokaywithyou.”
Shenods,andmoretearsfall.Ibringmyotherhandupandtrytocatchthemall,butIfail.Theycometoofast,soIpullherheadagainstmychestandopttolethersoakmyalreadydampshirt.
SeemsliketheleastIcandoforthiswomanafterhowthoroughlyI’veletherdown.
***
Idon’tsleep.Eventhoughwe’vemovedallmyfurnitureintothisbrand-newhouse,itdoesn’tfeellikemine.Ilieonmyback,staringattheceiling.I’vegotPeterwedgedintomyarmpit,snoringsoftlyononesideofme,andregretontheothersidewithonehandonmythroat.
Winterhasalwaysdrawnmetoherinsomeinexplicableway,andknowingshe’sjustafewstepsawaywithourdaughter?It’sshiftedsomethinginme.
Ididn’twanttobedisruptive,oroverstepmybounds,butIwantedtositonthefloorofthatnurseryandstareatViviennefortheentirenight.
Knowingyouwanttohavechildrenonedayisalotdifferentfromfacingonethatalreadyexists.Idon’tknowhowtowrapmyfeelingsaroundit.
ButIknowwhowill.
WincingasIshiftinbed,Iswipemyphoneoffthebedsidetableandcallmymom.
“What’swrong?”ishowsheanswersthephone.Herinstinctsarewild.
“Whywouldsomethinghavetobewrongformetocallyou?You’remymom.”
“Right,butIknowyou.It’scurrentlysixo’clockonaSundaymorningwhereyouare,whichmeansit’sfivehere.”
“Shit.Sorry,Mom.”
“It’sokay.Iwasjustgettingsetuptodosomerestorativeyoga.IcanfixyourproblemswhileImakemyselfsomegreentea.”
Isnort.Idon’tthinkanyonecanfixthisprobleminthetimeittakestomakeacupoftea.
“Whydon’tyoujustsleepin?It’stheweekend.”
Shescoffsatme,andIhearacupboardthudshutontheotherendoftheline.“I’llbesuretotellthattothenextmotherthatgoesintolaboronaweekend.Sorry,doll.You’regoingtohavetowaituntilMonday.”
IchucklebecauseIrememberhavingtotakecareofmysisteratoddhoursnowandthenwhenmymomwouldhavetorushouttoabirth.Orwhenwewereyounger,gettingwokenupsothatshecoulddropusoffatafriend’shouse.
Shedidthebestshecouldafterourdad’sdeath.Asinglemomtotwokidswasn’taneasygig.Thoughwhenshegotajobteachingmidwiferyatthecollege,thingssloweddownabit.
“Fairenough.”
Peterletsoutaloudsnorebesideme,notatallbotheredbythephonecall.
“Oh,isthatlittlePeter?”
LeaveittoRhetttoruinmydog’sname.LittlePeterdoesdistinctlysoundlikeapenis.ButI’mnotabouttotellmymomth—
“God.EverytimeIsaythatdog’sname,Ithinkofadick.”
IbarkoutalaughandthewayitjostlesmybodyisenoughtowakeLittlePeterHegivesmeadirtylook,likeI’mtheworld’sworstpillow,andnuzzlesbackin.WhenIpickedhimupoffthestreetinMexico,Ithoughthe’dthinkIwashishero,buttheattitudeonthisdogisinsurmountable.
“It’strue.Ihopeyoudidn’tnamehimafteryour—”
“Mom.”Iclosemyeyesandrubmyfingersagainstmyeyebrows.
“Right.We’regettingofftrack.”Thelowrumbleofwaterboilinginthebackgroundfiltersinthroughthereceiver.“Tellmewhat’swrong.”
Isigh.“Idon’tknowifwrongisthewordIwoulduse.”
“Stopbeatingaroundthebush,Theo.”
“Ihaveadaughter.”IfeellikeI’veshoutedthewords.Somehow,sayingthemoutloudisverydifferentfrombeingtoldthemorjustrepeatingtheminmyhead.
Thelineissilent.
“Ijustfoundoutlastnight.”
Iwaitafewbeats.Stillsilent.IflipthephonetocheckthescreenandmakesureI’mstillconnected.
“Mom?”
“Oh,Theo.”Shealmostsighsit,likeIexhausther.AndI’msurethatonsomelevelIdo.ChoosingtopursuethecareerthatkilledmydadmightbeoneofthemostthoroughlyexhaustingthingsI’veeverdonetomymother,butshestillsupportsme.Shealwayshas.I’mhopingIhaven’tpushedhertoofarwiththislittletidbitthough.
“Areyouokay?”
AheavybreathI’dbeenholdingleavesmeinawhoosh.“I’m…yeah.IthinkI’mjustinshock.”
“Howdidthishappen?”
“Well,Mom,whentwopeople—”
“TheodoreSilva.Don’tturnthisintoajoketocopewithyourfeelings.Talktome.”
Ihearherpouringwaterintoacup,takingthingsinherstridelikeshealwayshaswithuskids.Theuniverseblessedherwithtwohandfuls.Juliaisjustasbadasme.
“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
“Everything!Howoldisshe?What’shername?Doesshelooklikeme?WhencanImeether?Andhowthehelldidthishappen?”
NoonebutLorettaSilvawouldtakethissoeasily.“Andyouwereonmycaseforcoveringwithjokes.”
Sheblowsaraspberry,andIcanenvisionherflippingahandacrossherselflikeshe’sswattingaflyasifwewereinthesameroom.
So,IfillherinoneverythingIknow,notingthehappylittlesighshemakeswhenItellheraboutVivienne.Idon’tmissthestrangledsoundthatcatchesinherthroatwhenIexplainhowitallgotlostintranslation.
“IcouldkillthatGeoffasshole,”shemutters.
“No,he’sminetokill.”
“Theo!Youcan’tthreatenshitlikethat.You’reafathernow.”
Fuck.I’mafathernow.
“Okay,soIneedtocomposemyselfbeforeIcrossthatbridge.AndtellWinter’sdadsincehe’sGeoff’sboss,andthatisallitsownmassiveclusterfuck.”
“So,themomisRhett’ssister-in-law?”
“Well,theweddingisn’tuntilnextmonth.Remember?You’reinvited.”
“Don’tbelikethat,Theo.YouknowwhatI’masking.”
MyteethgrazealongmybottomlipasIstareupatthewhitepopcorn-styleceiling.SinceIfailedtoputupanyblinds,morninglighthasfilledtheroom,andthebluehuegivesthespaceacool,serenevibethatremindsmeofWinter.
“Yeah.It’sher.”
“Huh.Thatgirl,huh?Well,Ican’twaittomeether.”
“Vivienne?”
“No.Well,yes.ButWintertoo.”
Ismileupattheceiling.“Yeah,Ithinkyou’lllikeher.”
“Howissheholdingup?Iwasneverasinglemomwithababy.ButIrememberyourdadgoingontheroadandleavingmehomealonewithyoutwo.Iwouldpracticallytossyouathimandwalkoutthedoortheminutehegotback,justsoIcouldhaveafewminutesbymyself.”
“Ithinkshe’sokay.Happybutoverwhelmed,ifthatmakessense?”
“Thatmakesperfectsense.IfIwroteadictionary,thatmightbethedefinitionIputundermotherhood.”
Ilaugh,lighteralreadyforhavingtalkedtomymom.
“Theo,honey,thequestionanygooddadwouldaskhimselfnowis:whatareyougoingtodotomakeherfeellessoverwhelmed?”14Winter
Sloane:ShouldIkickhimout?I’dkickhimoutfor
you.
Winter:It’sfine.
Sloane:ShouldIcomebackfromvacationandbeathimup?
Winter:Iwouldpaygoodmoneytowatchyoubeatsomeoneup.
Sloane:Isthatayesorano?
Winter:Justdon’ttellanyone.It’shisstorytotell.
Sloane:Whatstory?Idon’tevenknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.
Sloane:LMAO.SeewhatIdidthere?
Winter:DidJasperfuckallthebraincellsoutofyourheadwithhismassivedick?
Sloane:Youloveme.
Winter:Ido.
***
TheoSilvaisstandingonmyfrontporchat10a.m.onthedot.Icanseehimonthescreenofmyphone,awkwardlyshiftinghisweightonhisfeet,withapapercoffeecupineachhand.
I’vebeenreadyforthis.Forhim.Yesterday,Igotthesensehewouldn’tbetakingoffintothesunsetafterfindingoutaboutVivi.AndIspenttheentirenightawakethinkingaboutit.
Hemusthatemedeepdown.Howcouldhenot?ButIwanthimtohavearelationshipwithhisdaughter.Idon’twanthertolivewiththefraughttensionthatIgrewuparound.I’magrown-asswoman.Adoctor.IknowthatI’mnotwarmandfuzzy,butI’mmature.
Ish.
Ihavemymoments,andthisneedstobeoneofthem.ForVivi.Iwon’tworryaboutTheolikingme,andI’llignorehowpainfullyattractiveheisandchalkhimuptoanexcellentspecimen.
Viviennewillthankmeforthosegenesoneday.
Tuggingatthebottomhem,IglancedownatmyvintageRainbowBriteT-shirt.Ipaireditwithbaggyboyfriendjeansbecausenoneofmyjeansfrombeforefitthatwellanymore.
SomethingItrynottothinkabouttoomuch.
Atleastmytitslookgreat.
Notthatitmatters.BecauseTheoismy…co-parent.We’relikebusinesspartners.Yes.Ilikehowthatfeels.Tidyandnon-threatening.Likewe’reateambutcangoourseparatewaysattheendoftheday.
Withasurenod,Ipocketmyphoneandopenthedoor.
“Dr.Hamilton,wereyouwaitingforme?”Hewinks,andallthatcomposureevaporateslikeitwasbarelyeverthere.I’mplungedbacktothatnightatthegasstation.Hisundonebootsandcockygrin.
Mestaringlikeatotalidiot.
TherushIfeltwhenhehikedmydressupovermythighslikehewasunwrappingapresent.Hisfingershookinginsidemypantieswithoutevenhesitating.
Iclearmythroat.“LookedmorelikeyouwerewaitingformefromwhatIcouldseeonthecamera.”
Heglancesup,eyesshiftinguntiltheylandonthelittlesquarewithalensinthecorner.“Good.I’mgladyouhaveasecuritysystem.Iwasgoingtooffertoputonein.”
Inibbleatmylipandblinkaway.Whyisheso…nice?
It’sunnerving.Peopleareneverthisniceunlesstheywantsomethingfromyou.It’snotnormal.
“Whydon’tyoujustknockorringthedoorbell?”
Heshrugs.“Idon’twanttowakeherupagain.”
“Icangiveyoumynumber.”
“Ihaveitalready.”
“Howdoyouhaveitalready?”
Heclearshisthroatandthensays,“Iputitintomyphonethatnight.”
Iblink.“Thatnight?”
“Thatnight.”Theworddripswithinnuendo.There’snomistakingwhatnighthe’stalkingabout.
“Youtookmynumberwithoutasking?”
Pinktingesthetopofhisears,andhehasthesensetolookalittlechagrined.“FiguredI’dneeditsomeday.”
Idon’tknowwhattomakeofhisrevelation,andtruthfully,don’tfeelequippedtodealwithit.Iopttoforgeahead,leavingwhatevercomplicatedshitthatisintherear-viewmirror.“So…youwerejustgoingtowaitouthereuntilI,what?Checkedmymail?”
Adeeprumblerollsinhischestandhesmiles.Fuck,hissmileisblinding.“Idon’tknow,Winter.Ididn’thaveabigplan.Igrabbedyouacoffeeanddecidedtofigureitoutfromthere.”
Heholdsonehandouttome,steamwaftingupthroughtheholeinthelid.“Gotitintown.Thoughtyoumightneedoneasmuchasme.”Thecornersofhiseyespinch,andIrecognizehowtiredheappears.Hisgoldenskinhasbluesmudgesbeneathhisdarkeyes,andthestubbleonhisjawhasgrownalittlelongerthanhisusualcuratedscruff.“It’sjustanAmericano.”Hegesturesthecuptomeagain.
Itakeit,realizingI’mstaringathim,wonderingwhyhe’sbringingmecoffee.
“Ididn’tknowwhatyoulike.”
Istaredownatthelid,almosttearyoverthefacthe’shere.EventhoughIdroppedabombonhimlastnight,he’sbringingmecoffee.
“Otherthantequilaanddoggystyle—fuck.”Heswipesahandthroughhisperfectlytousledhair.“Sorry.CanyousaysomethingsoIstopmakingawkwardjokestofillthesilence?”
Ipeekupathimthroughshrink-wrappedeyes.“Whyareyoubeingsonicetome?”
Hisbrowfurrowsandhisfaceshowsgenuineconfusion.Itstrikesmeasunusualhowhewearshisheartonhissleeve,thewayeveryemotionandthoughtalmostprintsitselfonhisface.
“Winter,Ithinkwe’vebeenthroughthisoncebefore.Youkeeplookingforsomeulteriormotivewithme,andthereisn’tone.CanIcomein?Iwanttosee…”Hepausesandclearshisthroat,likeit’sstillastruggletosaythisoutloud.“Vivi.I’dliketospendsometimewithherandtalktoyousomemore.”
Withanod,Istepasideandusherhimin.
Foranormalmeeting.
Abusinessmeeting.
***
WatchingTheoholdVivienneforthefirsttimedoesalotofthingstome.First,itmakesmewanttohurlinmuchthesamewayhedidlastnight.There’ssomethingprofoundlyoverwhelmingaboutseeinghiseyeslatchontoherswhilehersmallhandwrapsaroundhisfinger.“Hi,babygirl,”hemurmurs.“It’ssonicetomeetyou.”
Thesweetcooingnoiseshemakesbackathim,likeshe’saninstantgonerforthisman,makesmewanttocry.AndInevercry.It’sjustnotmything.It’spointless,andIalwaysfeeltiredandbereftafterward—notbetter.
ButwhenIcanseehimgettingemotionaljustlookingather,holdingherinhisarmssonaturally,ithitsmeinawayInever,eversawcoming.Hestandsandbouncesgently,walkingtowardthebigbaywindowthatoverlooksthefrontstreet.
Heturnsthemtowardhisyard.“That’swhereIlive.Rightnextdoor.So,ifyourmomsaysit’sokay,Icouldcomevisitnowandthen.”
IsitonastoolatthekitchenislandandtrytorememberthelasttimeIjustsatanddrankacoffeethatwasstillhot.Nothotoutofthemicrowave,buttrulyfresh.IfeellikeI’minthisconstantcycleofnothavinganythingspecifictodoallday,yetthedaygoesbysodamnfast.
Cooking,cleaning,sleeping,entertaining,snuggling,nursing,socializing.Itseemslikeitshouldbeeasy.Iworkinchaosforaliving,butthisissomuchharder.
WhichiswhyIcannot,forthelifeofme,accountforthewaymybodyreactstothesightbeforeme.Theowasalreadyhotasfuck,andTheoholdingababyisevenhotter.IfhegoesoutinpublicwithVivienne,he’sgoingtogetmorepussythrownathimthanhealreadydoes.
Andsomehowthatmakesmeirrationallyjealous.
“Lookhowbeautifulyouare.”ThesunlightsTheoandVivienne’sfacesinthesamewarm,goldenhue.“Youlookjustlikeyourmom.”
Viviennestaresupathimandgiggles,smallhandsreachingforthestubbleonhischeeks,squealingwhenitraspsagainstherpalms.
“Fuck,”Imutter,blinkingfasterthanahummingbird’swingsasItrytoburnmytongueonthecoffeejusttogivemyselfsomethinglessmushyandunhingedtocryover.
I’veseenRhettholdheramilliontimes,andit’sneverbeenlikethis.No,thisisallTheo.
“Didyousleepokay?”heasksasheturnsbacktofaceme.
Viviennelaughsandcontinuesrunningherhandsoverhisface.Andgah,Ican’tevenblameher.
“Yeah,”Ilie.“You?”
“Notespecially.”Hisfacemorphsintoamoresolemnexpressionasheglancesdownatheragain.“So,whatledyoutopickVivienne?”
Ichugbackahotgulpofcoffee.Yes,morecoffee.WhyamIsoemotional?IneedtogetthisshitonlockbeforeIgobacktoworkinafewmonths.IfIcrywhileIdeliverbadnewstopeople,Imightaswellquit.
“Um…”Iglancearoundtheroom,feelinglikeImightbestrongerifIdon’thavetolookatthem.“Itmeans‘alive’and,well…shemademefeelaliveagain.Shemadeitwhenmylastbabydidn’t.Anditfeltlikeagoodadultname,youknow?Likeshecouldbeprimeministerwithanamelikethat.”
TheohumshappilyandsmilesdownatVivienne.“Primeminister?Goodforyou,girl.Ican’twaittotellpeoplemydaughteristheprimeminister.”
Breathe,Winter.
Ilaughtocovertheemotionwellingatthebackofmythroat.Howdarehebeso…him.“Ofcourse,Ineverconsideredthatfeelingalivewouldalsobesoexhausting.OrthatI’dwantnothingmorethanfornoonetotouchme,evenjustforanhour.OrthatI’dneverbathealoneagain.”Ashrilllaughleapsfrommylips,asadattempttocovertheemotioninmyvoice.
Theo’sdarkeyesglanceupatme.“Gotakeabath,Winter.”
“What?”
“Takethatcoffeeandgorunyourselfabath.Closethedoor.Putsomemusicon.Watchsomeporn.Gohaveamomenttoyourse—”
Ibarkoutalaugh.“Youdidnotjusttellmethat.Infrontofayoung,impressionablemind,noless.”
Thegrinhehitsmewithispureknowing.Heknowswhathedoestome,I’msureofit.Thewayhiseyesperusemybodyisproof.Idon’tthinkI’mtheonlyonewhovividlyremembersthatnight.
“Tink,please.Imightnotknowyouallthatwell,butIhaveasinkingsuspicionthatthefutureprimeminister’sfirstwordmightbefuck.”
Ibitedownonmyliptohidethesmile.Solomotherhoodhasturnedmeintoafuckingtrucker.Ican’tevendenyit.
“Go.I’vegother.We’llstayrighthereandwaitforyou.”
Iglareathim.
“Tofinish.”
Asshole.Iglareharder,butthedesperatelytouched-outpartofmescreams,Doit!Takethebath!
“Youknowwhat?Yes,I’mgoingtogo.Ihaven’thadabathaloneinninemonths.”
“Good.Enjoyyourself.”
“Ifshecries…”
“Wewillbefine.Allmyoldercousinshaveamillionbabies.Iusedtobabysit.”
“Ijustfedher,sosheshouldbefine.”
Hesmiles,allwarmandgooey.
“Look.Ihaven’tleftheralonewithanyoneexceptHarveyandSloane’smom,Cordelia.”
“Notevenyourparents?”
Iglanceaway.“No.That’scomplicated.”
“Listen,ifyou’renotcomfortable,Icanleave.Idon’twanttobargeinhereanddemandtimeyouaren’treadytogive.Thismustbeweirdforyou.”
Forme.That’sthefinalstraw.Tearsbuildinawaythatisimpossibletostop.
Allmylife,notasinglepersonhasprioritizedhowthingsmightfeelforme.AndhereisthismanIbarelyknow,prioritizingme.
Iforceawaterysmile.“Ican’tthinkofasinglebetterpersontowatchherrightnow.”
Henods,eyesscanningmejustalittletooclosely.
Inodbackandheadtothebathroomtocryinmybath.
Andmaybewatchsomeporn.15Winter
Winter:He’shere.Heknows.
Sloane:Howdidhetakeit?IsthatwhywedidaB&E?Togethisnumber?
Winter:Yup.Exceptsomeoneelsehadhisphonejusttomanagesocialmediaandnevertoldhim.
Sloane:Shit.Areyouokay?
Winter:I’mtakingahotbath.Drinkingahotcoffee.I’minshock.Butalsoheaven.
Sloane:Youdeserveit.
Winter:DoI?
Sloane:Yes.Hotbathsandahotbabydaddy.Youdeservetheworld.
Winter:Hereallyishot.
Sloane:HotterwithababyIbet.
Winter:Youhavenoidea.
***
WhenIwalkdownthehallway,Iexpectmayhem.Tearsandfrustration.Adesperatepleaforhelpbecausehe’soutofhisdepth.Istayedinthetubwithmynoise-cancelingheadphonesonuntilthewaterwascold,anditstillfeltluxurious.
Soshithastobefallingapart.
Butno.
Theoislaidoutonthecouch,hisgoodarmslungbehindhishead,whichmakeshisbicepbulgeinaverydistractingway.Viviissprawledacrosshischest,lookinglikeakoalawho’sclimbingatreethatistoobigforhertoreacharound.Herred,heart-shapedlipsarejustalittlebitopen,andhisarmthatshouldbeinaslingisfoldedbesidehim,onebroadpalmsplayedoverherback.
There’ssomesortofcarraceplayingontheTV,butTheoisstaringatVivi
Somethingaboutthemomentfeelsprofoundlyspecial.He’smissedalotofmoments,alotoffirsts.Andthisisherfirstnaponhim.
Iyankmyphoneoutofthebackpocketofmyjeansandsnapaphoto.Thewarmlightgivesitadustyvintageeffect.Theylooksopeaceful.
“Hi,”IwhisperasIwalkovertothem.
Theoglancesupatmebutdoesadoubletake.
“What?”
“Youjust…”Hislipsrolltogether.“Youlookbeauti—different.”
Ialmostsmirk.Beautidifferent
“Well,Iputonsomemakeup.Howisshe?”
Hestaresbackdownather.“Perfect.”
Ifeelweirdhovering,soIsitonthecoffeetablenexttothemandholdmyphoneinfrontofTheotoshowhimthephoto.“Ifyougivemeyournumber,I’llsendittoyou.”
HisthumbswipesoverVivi’sbackinasoothingarc.“I’dlikethat.Ifeel…”
Istaredownatmyphone.“Iknow.Youmusthateme.Andthat’sokay.IthinkdeepdownIdon’tblameyou.MaybeIshouldhavegonecrazyandtoldeveryone.Beenmorespiteful,yaknow?Itriedgivinglessfucksanditbackfiredkindofspectacularly.”
“Winter,Idonothateyou.”Hisvoiceissoftbutsure,butIstillcan’tbringmyselftolookathim.“Youdidplenty.Youdidmorethanenough.”
“YouhavetosaythatbecauseI’mthemotherofyourchild.”
“I—”
Iholdahandup.“Iknowyouwouldn’thavesignedupforfatherhood.ButIreallywantedthis.Nothowitcameabout,maybe.Imean,howclichéisabrokencondom?Butababy?Theo,”myvoicecracks,“Ireallywantedababy.Ihavenoregrets.”
“WhatmakesyouthinkIdon’twantthis?”
Iletmyeyestrailoverthebeautifulmanonmycouch,withourbabygirllaidoverhisheart.“Notatthispointinyourlife.Andnotwithme.You’llneverconvincemeotherwise.”
Hisfeaturesharden,asteelyglintflashinginhiseyes.“WhatmakesyouthinkIwouldn’twantthiswithyou?”
Iscoff,wipingawayastraytearagain.
Fuckmylifeandallthiscrying.
“Sorry,Inevercry.”
Asmiletoucheshislips.“Yes,Icanseethat.”
“Shutup.”Iswipeagain,turningawaytostareoutthefrontwindow.
“IfeellikeI’vemissedalotoffirsts,Winter.That’swhatIwasgoingtosay.Ifeellikeaninterloper,butIdon’twantto.IwishI’dbeentheretoseehergrow.Toseeyougrow.Tobeatthebirth.”
Isniff.“Willatookaverygraphicvideo.Icanshowyousometime.”
“Iwouldlovethat.”
“It’snotsexy.”Iside-eyehimandhescruncheshisbrow.“Itwillruinanysplendidmemoriesofmyvaginayoumighthave.”
“Nah.That’simpossible.Thosememoriesarewhymyrightforearmisbiggerthanmyleft.”
Irollmyeyesandbitebackmylaugh.“You’reimpossibletodeter.”
Hegrins.“Yes.”
“I’mhappytohaveyouaround,Theo.Iwouldnever,everkeepyoufromher.AfterwhatIgrewupin,Ijustwanthertobesurroundedbysomuchlove.Youknow?”
“Ofcourse.We’reonthesamepage.”Hisvoice,hiswords—they’relikeafirmhug.Theyinstantlymakemefeelbetter.
Vivistirs,drawingourattention,andforafewbeatswebothjust…babygaze.
“We’regoingtohavetotellpeoplesoon.”
“Yeah,”hesaysinaroughvoice.“Ialreadytoldmymom.Ihopethat’sokay.”
“Whatdidshesay?”Panicseepsin.God,whatmustthiswomanthinkofme?
“ThatI’vegotsomecatchinguptodo.Andthatshecan’twaittoseeyou.”
“Vivi,youmean?Yeah,thatwillbenice.”
Hepeersupatme.“No,Winter.You.Shecan’twaittomeetyou.”He’sbeingseriousagain,andIwanttosquirmundertheintensityofhisstare.
“Thatshouldbeinteresting.”Ilaugh.“Hopeshe’snottoodisappointed.”
ButTheodoesn’tfollowsuit.Instead,hescowlsatme.“Icouldfuckingburywhoevermadeyoubelieveyou’reasunlovableasyouseemtothink.”
Istandandswipeatthefrontofmyjeans,smoothinginvisiblewrinkles.“Yes,well,I’vehadyearstobaskinthisfeeling,soIdon’tthinkburyinganyonewillhelp.”
“We’llsee,”hegrumbles,thevibrationinhischestenoughtomakeVivi’seyesflutteropen.
“Goodnap,Vivi?”Iask,myvoiceswappingtoasofterone.
Sheyawns,bodytensingasshestretchesoutlikeahappycatinasunbeam.Theohasawayofmakingagirlfeellikethatwhenheturnshisattentiontoher
Iknow.Iremember.
Herheadtilts,andshelooksupatTheo.
“Hi,babygirl.”
That“babygirl”thinginhisdeepvoicewillbemyundoing.Ijustknowit
Shesmiles,almostbashfully,andreachesforme.Andtohiscredit,Theodoesn’thesitate.Hehandsherover,andIsighwhenIholdheragainstmychest.
Thebreakwasnice,butthereliefathavingherbackinmyarmsisinexplicable.
Theopushestosit,andourkneesbumpagainsteachotherashemovesaround,puttinghisshirtbackstraight.
“Youshouldstillwearthesling.”
Hiseyesrollplayfullybeforelandingbackonus.“Iknow,butitsucks.I’dratherholdVivi.Sendmethatpicture,okay?”
“Okay.Writedownyournumberbeforeyougo.”
“Ohyeah.I’lljusttextyoufirst.”
Hepushestostand,whichputshiscrotchrightatmyfaceheight.Mycheeksheat,becauseIknowwhat’sontheothersideofthatzipper.AndIknowwhathecandowithit.
Iturnedpornoninthebathroom,buttruthfully,nothingcomparestothatnight.It’sthefantasyIgobacktoeverytime.
“Whydidyoutakemynumber?”IpeekupathimwhileVivigrabsatthenecklineofmyshirtinthemostunsubtlewaypossible.
Theosmilesdownatme.“ToldyouIwasgoingtocomebackforanothershot,andImeantit.”
Athoughthitsmeandstealsalltheairfrommylungs.It’sirrational.Andit’sjealous.AndI’mjustinsecureenoughtoblurtitstraightout.“Ohmygod.Doyouhaveotherchildrenwithotherwomen?You’reontheroadsomuch.You’realreadysogoodwithher.Youcouldhavebabymamasallovertheplace.”
Hisbigbrowneyesgowide,andthenhebarksoutadisbelievinglaughbeforehetipsmyfaceuptohis.Exactlyhowhedidintheelevatorthatnight.Hebendsdownandwhispersagainstmyskin,“No,Winter.You’remyonlybabymama.”
Andthenheswaggersoutthedoor,likethat’saperfectlynormalthingtosay.
***
Ineedtoclearmyhead.So,ItakeVivioutforawalkinherstroller.WehittheparkandIpushherinaswing.Onceshe’shadherfill,westrolldownmainstreet.
I’msozonedoutthatIendupwalkingrightpastHamiltonAthletics,whereImayormaynotsneakapeekthroughthefrontwindowsatTheoworkingout.He’swearinghissling,butitdoesn’tmakehimlookinept.It’smorelikehecandolowerbodyandbalanceexerciseswithonehandtiedbehindhisback.
Everylineonhisarmsshimmerswithperspiration.Hisbodyisfirm,coiled—amachine.
Whoknewbullridershadtobesofit
ButIamnotgawking.I’mjustoutclearingmyheadaftertheshockofthelastcoupleofdays,whichiswhyIturnthesameshadeasastrawberrywhenhecatchesmestandinginthemiddleofthesidewalkonRosewoodStreet.
Sippingacoffeeandgawkingathimlikeabrain-deadbimbo.
Igivemyheadabriefshimmyandturntokeepwalking.I’llpretendthatlittlemomentdidn’thappenatall.It’sjustthebaby-brain.Izoneoutallthetimenow.
IthasnothingtodowithTheoSilva.
Anddefinitelynothingtodowiththatnight
Andnow,I’mirrationallyannoyedwithhim.BecausewhenIsneakafinalpeekovermyshouldertoseeifIgotawaywithit,he’sstillstandingtheresmirkingatme.
Hewinksatme.
Theabsolutegallofthismantocomewaltzingbackintomylifeandwinkatme.Likenotimehaspassedatallbetweennowandwhenwesaweachotherlast.Likeit’snotinsanetoflirtwithmeopenly,asthoughI’msomethingmoretohim.
Istormbackhome,flusteredbyhisconfidence.Rattledbyhispresence.Annoyedthathe’snotonlyagreatlay,butashamelessandpersistentflirt.
Withnoboundaries.
Thesightofawomanstandingathisfrontdoorwithagiftbaginhandstopsmeinmytracks.Iwatchherringthedoorbellandcheckherteethforlipstickinthereflectionofthefrontwindow.
Figures
Asshewaits,sheshiftsthebagbetweenhands,seemingabitnervousinherpainted-onjeans.Onehandtucksaloosestrandofperfectlyblown-outlightbrownhairbehindoneear.
Sheknocks,thenwaitsagain.Whenhedoesn’tanswer,shetriestopeerinthroughthefrontbaywindow,stilllookingaroundlikehemightbehidingfromher.
Hisdogdoesn’tevenbark.
Thensheturnsandglancesbackatthefrontstreet.Idon’tevenregisterwithher,butshedoesforme.She’sthegirlfromtherodeo.Theonewithtearsstreamingdownherface,whowasreadytocrumblewhenshesawTheoontheground.
She’spretty.Reallypretty.She’sfit,andshedoesn’tappearexhaustedorchaoticlikeme.TheoandIhaven’tcoveredthisgroundyet,butitmakessensehe’dhavesomeone.
Imean,fuckinglookathim.Ofcoursehewould.
Excepthewinkedatme.Andhekeepssmirkingatmelikehe’sreplayingwhenhelickedtequilaoffmy—
“DoyouknowifTheoSilvaliveshere?”shecallsouttome.
“Yup,”Ireplywithathinsmile.ForallthehardworkI’vedoneonbecomingakinder,lessjudgmentalperson,Itakeonelookatthisgirlandhateher.
“Ishehome?”
“Doesn’tseemtobe.”ItrytomakemyvoicesoundpeppyasIunlatchthewhitepicketgateatthefrontofmyhouse.It’sadumbquestionthough.
Obviously,he’snothome.Ordoesn’twanttoseeher.Thosearehertwooptions,butshe’saskingastranger.
Stupidquestionsgetstupidanswers.
“Winter,holdup!”Theocalls,comingdownthesidewalkfromthesamedirectionIjustdid.Whenheclearsthehedgethatwashidinghimfromthehotgirlonhisfrontstep,shebrightens.
“Theo!Hi!”Sherushesdownthefrontstepsandtowardthefrontstreet.
Theopullsup,blinking.“Cindy.Hey.”
Sheflushesandsmilesathim,sparingmeaquickglancebeforegoingstraighttohimandwrappinghiminahug.
Averycomfortablehug.
Herhandrestsonhischeekwhenshepullsaway.“Howareyoufeeling?SorryIdidn’tmakeittothehospitalagainforavisit.Gottiedupwithworkinthecity.”
Hestepsoutofherreach,andherhandfallsbetweenthem.“Feelingprettygood.Andnoproblem.Itwasnicetocatchupwithanoldfriend.”
Shevisiblywinces,andokay,nowIfeelbadforher.Itdoesn’tseemlikeoldfriendiswhatshewasgoingfor.
“Well…”Shestraightens,brighteninghertoneevenfurther.“Icouldn’tgetaholdofyouatthenumberIhaveforyou.ButRhetttoldmeyouwerestayinghereforawhile,soIfigured…”Sheshrugs,lipsformingasmallcurve,makingtheapplesofhercheeksfill.“Wecouldcatchup?”Sheholdsthebagup.“Ibroughtyouahousewarmingpresent!”
Fromthebag,shepullsoutanexpensive-lookingbottleoftequilaandasetofornateshotglasses.“Wecouldpartylikeweusedto.”
Theolaughspolitely,takinginthegiftandthewomanbeforehim.
Andonceagain,I’mgawkingatTheo.
Except,thistime,I’mnotembarrassed.IfeellikeIwanttobreaksomething.
Preferablythoseshotglasses.Becausetequilaisourthing.
Iturnaway,lettingthegateclosewithaloud,petulantcrashasIheaduptomyfrontdoor.
Viviisasleep,whichmeansI’dbeanidiottomoveher.UsuallyI’dgetabook,sitinasunbeamontheporch,andsoakupthepeaceandquiet.ButhotTheoisherewithhishotfuckbuddyandIwouldratherdrinkaglassofthumbtacksthanwatchtheminteract.
I’mabouttoreachinandtakemychanceswithmovingViviwhenIheartherumbleofTheo’svoice.“Thisisreallykindofyou,Cindy.Thankyou.ButI’minanewplacenow.PartyinglikeIusedtoisn’tinthecards.”
He’skind,butdirect.
Bentbehindtheshadeofthestroller,Ipauseandeavesdrop.
Shelaughs,butIknowthatlaugh.Iuseittocoverbeingdisappointed.“Fairenough.IthasbeenacoupleofyearssinceIleftthecircuit.Dinnersometimeinstead?”
Iclenchmymolars,preparedforhimtosayyes.Whywouldn’thesayyes?
Hishandswipesthroughhishairandhestepsaway.“Yaknow,I’minthemiddleofsomething.SomethingIhaveagoodfeelingabout.Soit’sano.”
Mystomachgoeshot,likeit’smeltinginonitself.
Herrespondinglaughisshrillerthistime,hertonenotassweet.“Oh,mybad.Ididn’trealizeyouwerewithsomeone.”
Hiseyessliceovertomine,bustingme.Again.“I’mnot.Yet.”16Theo
Theo:Pickyouupat4.
Winter:Forwhat?
Theo:Dinnerattheranch.Wecandrivetogether.
Winter:Don’tyouthinkthat’skindofobvious?
Theo:We’regoingtheretotelleveryonethatI’mherdad.Ithinkthingsaregoingtobeobviousprettyquickly.
Winter:Fine.
Theo:Whatareyouwearing?
Winter:Idon’tknow.Probablyasundressorsomething.Why?Youplanningonchoosinganoutfitthatmatcheslikewe’regoingtoprom?
Theo:No.Imean,whatareyouwearingRIGHTNOW???
Winter:Seriously?
Theo:Sendpics.
Theo:Okay.It’sfine.I’lljustcontinuetousemyimagination.
***
“It’sannoyinghowgoodyouareatallthingsdad-ing.”
Vivibabblesinthebackseatasshebeatsonafabricbookthatmakesloudcrinklingnoises.We’reheadingouttotheranchtoletthecatoutofthebag.Or,rather,letthedadoutofthebag.
“Dad-ing?”IarchabrowatWinterfromthedriver’ssideofmytruck.ShelookslikeanangryBarbiedoll,armstuckedtightoverherribs,whichdoesnothingbutpushhertitsup.I’malreadydistractedbythem,sothisisn’thelping.
“Yeah.Likejustnow.Doingthecarseat?Simple.Feedingher?Noproblem.Changingadiaper?Immediatelyfasterthanme.Bathingher?Likeyou’vedoneitamilliontimes.Gettingherintoacarrier?Notasinglecusswordwhileyoustrugglewithastrap.It’sannoying.”
“Gosh,Winter.Ididn’tknowwewerecompeting.Doyouhaveaspecialtrophyforme?”Idon’tbotherhidingthehumorinmyvoice.Inthepastweek,I’vecometoherhouseeverymorning,hotcoffeeinhand.Despitehowbadlythiswholethinghasfuckedwithmyhead,Ikeepasmileonmyfaceandputmybestfootforwardtolearneverything.
Iglanceather,waitingforwhateverbarbshe’llfirenext.She’sfidgetingtocoverforhernervousness.ButallIseeishowthenavydresswithatinyfloralprintslidesoverherskin,makingtheslitontheskirtgapeopen,givingmeapeekofsmooththigh.
Mygazesnagsthere,rememberinghowherskinfeltbeneathmyhands.Iabsentlywonderifshethinksaboutthatnight.Shemust.Ididgoodworkthatnight.IknowIdid.
“Cindyseemsnice.”
Ah.Thereitis.She’sstressed.Andthisishowshecopes,byrevertingtotheice-queenversionofherself.
“Sheis,”IdeadpanasIbackoutofherdriveway.
It’stimetoheadtoWishingWellRanchforafamilydinner.
Thetipofhernosewigglesassheglancesaway.“Youshouldhavegoneoutwithher.”
Mylipstwitch.“Isthatso?”
“Yeah.Youtwomakeacutecouple.She’spretty.”
“Ihadn’tnoticed.”
Shescoffsatme.Loudly.“Don’tberidiculous.You’veprobablyalreadysleptwithher,whichmeansyounoticed.”
“Yeah,yearsago.Sheusedtostayoutonthecircuitandtravelwithus.”
WhenIglanceover,Winter’sskinhasgoneallpinkandsplotchy.Shelooksreadytoblowagasket.
“Don’ttellmethingslikethat,”isherhushedreply.
“Why?I’mnotgoingtolietoyouaboutit.Ihavenothingtohide.Iassumedyouknewyoudidn’ttakemyvirginitythatnight.”
Shesnortsandstaresoutthewindow,chewingathernails.
“Whydoesthatbugyou,Winter?”
“Becauseyoucan’thavewomentraipsinginandoutofyourhousewilly-nillyifyou’regoingtohaveViviaround!”
“Well,theyaren’texactlycomingdownonehundredstrong.”
“Theyfuckingbetternot.You’readadnow.Haveyourone-nightstandssomewhereelse.”
“LiketheRosewoodInn?”Isnipe,stillunabletokeepmyselffromfiringherup.Stillgettingoffonwatchinghergofromcoolandunaffectedtothis
“Rude.”
“IseemtorememberyouenjoyinghowrudeIwastoyouonce.”
Herheadsnapsinmydirection,eyesflaring.“Stop.There’sachildinthevehicle.”
Ihumthoughtfully,playingupthatI’mmullingoverherpointwhenI’mnot.“SothisisaboutVivi?”
Shenods,blowingaheavybreathoutasshedoes.“Obviously.Whoelsewoulditbeabout?”
“Doyoumeanwhatelsewoulditbeabout?”
Herpoutylipsthinandsilencedescendsbetweenusuntilshefindssomethingelsetopickat.“Andyoulivenextdoor.Youdidn’tneedtodriveovertopickusup.”
It’sastrugglenottolaugh.Ishouldn’tfindthissideofherendearing,butIdo.“Ithoughtswappingthecarseatintomyvehiclewouldbeeasierthatway.”
Shehuffsoutaquickbreath,shouldersrisingandfallingasshedoes.“You’reannoyinglygentlemanlike.”
“Wow.ItsoundsliketheonlyconstantwhereI’mconcernedisthatI’mannoyingandrude.”
WhenIpeekover,herfacesoftens.Thecoolveneerslipsandhertightlyheldposturerelaxesalittle.“Sorry.I’mfreakingout.”
“Iknow.”IsmileaswepassbythegasstationwhereIfirstlaideyesonher.
“I’mbeingabitch.”
“No,youaren’t.You’rejustusingthecopingskillsyou’vegot.”
“IsthissomeTonyRobbinsshit?BecauseIhatethatguy.Onlyamancouldbethatbigofadouchebagandstillmakemillionsofdollarspeddlingthemostelementaryadvice.”
Ibarkoutalaugh.“Hereallyisadouchebag,isn’the?”
Herlipstwitchandsheglancesoutthewindowtocover.“Yes.”
“Okay.I’mnoTonyRobbins,butdoyouknowhowIdealwithfreakingout?”
Herblueeyeswidenassheturnsbackmyway,elbowrestingonthecenterconsolelikeImightgivehersomeprofoundlyhelpfulanswer.She’smockingme,butthat’sfine.
Ipropmyelbownexttohers,baskinginthefactthatshedoesn’tmoveaway
Fuck.Iwanttotouchhersobadly.MorethanjustthischasteelbowtouchorwhateverthefuckI’mdoingrightnow.
Iwanttogripherhair.Bendherover.Spreadher—
Ishakemyheadtoclearit.Mycockisthickeninginmyjeans,anditisn’tthetimeortheplace.
Clearingmythroat,Iforgeahead.“WhenI’mfreakingout,Itrytomakemyselfasusefulaspossible.Igetbusy.Iclean.Iorganize.Igetgreatatchangingdiapers.”
Sheslumpsbackinherseat.“Fuck.I’msorry.Ireallyam—”
“Winter,don’tfinishthatsentence.Instead,promisemewhenyoumeetmymom,youwilltellherI’mannoyinglygentlemanly.Thatwillmakeherproud.”
Shesnorts.“Fine.Iwill.”
“Idon’tthinkIcanholdherbackmuchlonger.SheisferaltomeetVivi.Picturesaren’tcuttingit,”Iadmitaswepullintotheranch.
Winter’sheadtiltsinmydirectionandherbrowsfurrow.“Whyareyouholdingherback?”
HerbodyjostlesasIpulltoastopnearthemainhouse.Allriverrockandstainedlogswithatinroofandspaciouswrap-arounddeck.
“Idon’tknow.Justtryingtogiveyouandmeasecondtofigurethingsout.”
“Youandme.”Sheshakesherhead,followedbyascoff.
Thatcan’tstand,though,soIhopoutandroundthetruck.Basedonthewayshe’sdiggingthroughherpurseinherlap,IhavetoassumesheexpectsmetogoforVivi.ButIripherdooropenandstepcloseenoughthatmykneesbuttupagainsttheedgeofthetruck.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Hertonebleedsalarmasshejoltsandfacesme.
“What’ssofunnyaboutyouandme?”
Herhandsflipoutindisbelief.“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“It’s…it’s…you…youdon’tneedtofeelobligatedtomakethisathingwhenit’snot.Youcanwantherinyourlifewithoutpretendingyouwantmetoo.Don’tfeelobligedtoactlikeyou’reattractedtomejustbecauseI’mhermom.”Hereyesaresosparkly,herstubbornchintippedupsohigh,herlipssofuckingkissable.“NotwhenyouhavegirlslikeCindy.”
Iinterrupther,leaningacrosstoreleaseherseatbeltandturninghertofacemelikethatnightinthebar.Oureyescollide,questionsswirlinginherbluedepths.
Withonehandproppedabovemeontheroofofthetruck,Ileanin,mylipshoveringoverhersasIwhisper,“That’safascinatingassessment,Winter.ButI’mnotpretendingasinglefuckingthing.BecauseforayearandahalfallI’vehadtodoisrememberyouandmethatnighttobestuckwalkingaroundalldaylikethis.”
Icrossaline.
MyhanddartsoutandIgripherwrist,pullingherhanddowntoslideitovermyrock-hardcock.
Shedoesn’tpullaway.Theonlythingmovingonherareheririses,tracingmyface,herexpressioncarefullyblank.
Butthenherfingersflexovermydick.
ShepuffsoutabreathandlicksherlipsasIgroananddropmyhead.Thesliverofspacebetweenuscracklesasonefingermoves,runningoverthedenimthatdividesus.Hertouchispainfully,deliberatelyslow.
“Ohgood!You’rehere!”Summer’schippervoiceandfootstepsboundingdownthestairshavemelurchingbackawayfromWinter.Bothofuspanting,staringateachother.
“Sohappyyouguyscarpooled!”Summerpatsmyshoulder.“Youaresuchagentleman,Theo.Openingherdoorlikethat!”
Summerisoblivious.
ButIdon’tthinkWinterisanymore.17Winter
Summer:Everyoneisgoodfordinneratthemainhousetonight?
Sloane:Yup!Wejustgotback.
Willa:I’llbringthemimosas.Cadeiscooking.
Winter:Yep.
Summer:Iheardyou’redrivingwithTheo?
Willa:IlikehimalotbetterthanDoctorDouche.
Winter:We’renottogether.
Willa:Butifyouwere,you’dbetradingup.
Summer:Wayup.
Willa:WayWAYup.
Sloane:Leaveheralone,youguys.
***
“How’sthephysio?”Rhettasksasalullinconversationaroundthetablehits.
“Good,actually.Gotthego-aheadtoditchthesling.NotthatI’vebeenwearingitanyway,”Theoreplieswithachuckle.
Theo,whorefusedtositanywherebutnexttoVivi.NotthatIcanblamehim,butstill.I’mnotoblivioustothequicklookspeopleareshootingathim.Shootingatus
“So,whenisyourmomcoming?SummerandIshouldhaveheroutfordinner.Shehasn’tseenthenewhouse.Cometothinkofit,Ihaven’tseenherinquiteawhile.”Rhettleansbackinhischair,eyeingTheoup.
Itallfeelsveryobvious,especiallywithTheowinkingatmeeverytimeInervouslyclearmythroat.It’slikeI’mabouttosaysomething,andthengetwashedoutintothetideoftheconversation.
“Ofcourse.She’dlovethat.Ithinkshe’sgoingtocomeoutabitearly.Stayatmyplace.”
EveryonecontinueseatingtheprawnandlemonpastathatCadewhippedup.Aheapingbowlofwatermelonandmintsaladsitsinthemiddleofthetable.It’stheperfectsummermealandeveryoneisheretopartake.
Willa,whoseshrewdeyesjumpbetweenTheoandme.Cade,whoismanagingtheirdaughterEmmaandtheirsonLuke,whohasbarelyliftedhisheadfromshovelingthepastaintohismouthlikehisparentshaven’tfedhimindays.
SloaneandJasper,whomightaswellbeeatingwithheronhislapforhowclosethey’resitting.
AndBeau,who’sdoinghisbesttostealtheassholecrownfromme,isoppositeHarveyattheheadofthetable,spinningabottleofbeerandpeelingthelabeloff.Notsayingaword.
EvenSloane’smom,Cordelia,ishere.Still.Shemovedinforasafeplacetostayaftersheleftherdickwadhusbandoverayearagoandjust…hasn’tleft.
Andthewayshesays,“Harvey,youneedsomesaladtoo.Youcan’tstayhealthyonlyeatingmeatandcarbs,”whileprimlyblottingatherlipsandglancingawayisadorable.
Harveyrollshiseyesandreachesforward,servinghimselfafewscoopsofthefruit.
ThateveryonekeepslookingatTheoandmesuspiciouslywhilebeingsowillfullyignorantofwhat’sgoingonbetweenHarveyandCordeliablowsmyfuckingmind.
“That’sgood.I’dliketomeethertoo.”Harvey’sgravellyvoicecutsinashestaresdownatthefruitonhisplatelikeit’shisenemy.AndthenheblurtssomethingoutthatIshouldn’tbesurprisedby—butIam.“Ireckonshe’llwannaspendalittleextratimegettingtoknowhernewgrandchild.”
Thetablegoessilent,savefortheclatterofSummerdroppingherforkonherplate.
Itfeelsliketimestretchesout,accentuatedbythethumpofmyheartinmyears.Iwasplanningonsayingsomething,butIjusthadn’tfoundthemomentyet.Iwasstillgatheringmycourage,tryingtoworkitin,notjustblurtitoutwithzerotact.
“What?”Harveysaysoveramouthfulofwatermelon.“It’sbeenacoupleofhoursnow.ArewealljustgonnakeepsittingherepretendingTheoisn’tVivi’sdad?Imean,lookatthem.”
Mylipstwitchandmycheeksheat.
FuckingHarvey.
Theosavesme.Likealways.“Well,WinterandIspentalotoftimetalkingabouthowtobringthisup,butIshouldhaveknowntojustleaveittoyou,Harv.”
Sloaneissittingstraightacrossfromme,handonherchest,pretendingtobeshocked.Blessher.
“Thankyou,”Imouthtoher.
Sheshakesherheadandwavesmeoff.
“Wait.”SweetJasperlooksgenuinelyconfused.IoweSloaneaflatofBuddyzBestlagerforkeepingthissecretascloseasshehas.“TheonlythingIrememberaboutyoutwoisthatentertainingspatyouhadinthedriveway.”
“Yes!”Willa’seyeslightupasshejabsherfingerinJasper’sdirection,hervoicefullofenergy.“Thatwasagoodone!”Andbasedonhowmemorablethataltercationseemsforeveryoneelse,Imusthavemadearealassofmyself.
Harveygivesaderisivesnort.“Comeon.Don’tyoukidsknowanything?Youeverseenatomcatfightafemale?”
Willa’sbodyistautwithbarelycontainedlaughter,whileCadegroansandscrubsahandoverhisbeard.
“Theystartoffscratchingandscreamingateachother—”
“Dad,pleasestop.”Cadebraceshisforearmsagainsttheedgeofthetable,staringathisplacesetting.
“Andthenbeforeyouknowit…”Harveycarrieson,undeterred.
“Dad.”NowevenRhettistryingtomakehimstop.
“Beforeyouknowitwhat,Harv?”It’sJasperwhogivestheoldermanthefinalshoveheneeds,ignoringthelightslapSloanelandsacrosshischest.
Harveyshrugsmatter-of-factly.“Beforeyouknowit,they’rebreeding.Kittenseverywhere.Thatsayingaboutcatsinheatdidn’tcomefromnowhere.”
Achorusofgroansringoutaroundthetable.
“Lord,helpme,”Beaumutters.Butmiserableashe’sbeen,evenhecan’tkeephislipsturneddownathisfather’santics.
WhenIglanceatTheoontheothersideofVivi’shighchairthatseparatesus,hehashispalmspressedintothesocketsofhiseyes,bodyshakingwithsilentlaughter.
“Seriously,Theo?”Ihissathim,tryingtosoundmenacing,butagiggleslipsintomyvoice.
“Sorry.Ijustneedaminuteafterthat.”Helooksupatme,wipingtearsfromhiseyes,thickdarklashesclumpedtogetherasheshakeshisheadindisbelief.
IpushmyshouldersbackandmeetHarvey’sglitteringhazeleyesattheendofthetable.“Thankyouforthatexplanation,Harvey.WhenViviennegetsolderandaskshowwemet,I’llbesuretodropheroffwithyou.”
“No,”Cadejumpsin.“Don’tgivehimanyideas.Young,impressionablemindsdonotneedtheHarveyEatonversionofthebirdsandthebees.”
“IthinkwhenGrandpatoldmeaboutthebirdsandthebees,heusedrabbitsinstead,”Lukeaddsinnocently.
“Yeah.”Harveylaughs.“There’sasayingaboutrabbitstoo,yaknow?”
IseehimstartleabitashiseyesshootovertoCordelia,whoclearlykickedhimunderthetable.
“But…”Hiseyesgaugethelargegroupofpeoplestaringbackathiminvaryingstatesofamusement.“That’snotappropriatedinnerconversation.”
Luke,allofsevenyearsold,scoffsbeforesaying,“Yeah,Dadwillloseitifyousay‘fuckinglikebunnies’infrontofmeagain.”Hiseyesgoroundassaucers,andheslapsasmallhandoverhismouthlikehemightbeabletoshovethewordsbackin.
Cade’schairscreechesasheshootsuptostanding.“LucasEaton,outside.Now.”
LukedropshiseyesandshootsWillaaplayfullittlegrinfromunderthefringeofhisnewlongerhairstyle.
“Youtoo,Harvey.”
Willaleansacrossthetableandwhispersloudly,“Shit,Harv,you’vemadeDaddymadnow.”
Harvey’slipspresstogethertohideasmileasherisesandwalksoutsidetogeta“talking-to”fromhisson.
“Iheardthat,Red,”Cadecallsoutashemarchesoutthebackdoorwithoutanotherglance.
WillafansherselfandpullsEmmaoutofherhighchairandintoherarms.“Well,thishasbeenaninterestingfamilydinner,tosaytheleast.”
“Noshit,”Rhettreplies,staringhardatTheo,likehecan’tbelievewhathascomeouttonight.“Whendidyoufindoutaboutthis?”
“Aboutaweekago,”Theoreplies.
Rhettturnshisattentiontome.“Youdidn’ttellhim?Oranyone?You’veknownallthistime,andyoudidn’tsayanything?”
There’sdisbeliefinhisvoice,butalsoaccusation.Ofcourse,he’dthinktheworstofme.Imightbesittingatthetablewiththisfamily,butI’mnotoneofthem.NomatterwhatIdo,they’llalwaysregardmewithahintofsuspicion.
Theosnapshisfingersoverthetable,drawinghismentor’sattentionbacktohimself.Hewentfromlookingamusedtodownrightmurderous.“Watchyourfuckingtonewhenyou’retalkingtothemotherofmychild.”
Rhett’sjawpopsandhisarmscross.HelooksshockedbyTheo’ssharptone.
Sloanecutsthetension.“Youdon’toweusanexplanation.Ifyouguysarehappy,I’mhappy.Vivihassomuchlove,andshe’stheluckiestgirlintheworldwithtwogreatparentsinherlifenow.”
IsettlebackinmyseatasSloanegivesmeabriefnodfromacrossthetable
Likeaphysicalreactiontothespikeintensionatthetable,quietwhimpersstartupfrombesideme,Vivi’seyessuddenlycoatedwithtears.
BeforeIcanreact,Theoreachesforher.“Hey,hey,hey,babygirl.It’sokay,”hecoosashesidlesherupagainsthisbroadchest.
Andit’sashottomycore.
Hehasnobusinesslookingthisgoodandbeingthisgood.Jumpingfromdefendingmetoconsolingher.
Idon’tdeserveit,andthere’sapartofmethatstillfeelslikeI’vesaddledhimwithsomethinghecan’tpossiblywant.
There’salsothislittlepartofmethat’smoredrawntohimwitheverymomentIspendinhiscompany.Ifeltitthatnight,alevelofcomfortI’veneverknown.AndnowthatfeelingbuildseverysecondI’maroundhim.
EverytimeIseehimwithVivi.
Everytimeheshowsupatmydoorwithacoffee.
Everytimehewinksandrakeshiseyesovermybodylikehe’sreplayingthatnightinhismind.
Butsittinghere,watchinghimsurroundedbyfriendsandfamily,consolingourdaughterlikethesweetmanheis—Ifeellikeanoutsider.
LikeIdon’tbelong.I’mgoingtobetiedtohimfortherestofmylife,sothere’sagoodchanceI’llbeforcedtowatchhimdateotherwomen.Marryanotherwoman.Havechildrenwithanotherwoman.AndViviwillbepartofthatfamilytoo.
AndI’llstillbetheoutsider.Becausemakinghisdickhardisn’tenoughtomakearelationshiplast.
“Sohowisallthis…going?”Summerinquirescarefully.
TheballofanxietyinmychestasIcomeface-to-facewiththerealityofmyfutureandthisforeign,consumingjealousykeepsmefromtalking.
“Great.We’restillfiguringthingsout.”Theoglancesmyway,widepalmrubbinghisdaughter’sbackasshenuzzlesintothecrookofhisneck.Likeshejustknowshe’sherssomehow.
Hersinawaythathe’llneverbemine.
“Livingnexttoeachotherishelpful,actually,”headdsinagood-naturedway,followedbyawink.
Awinkthatscreamsdangertomyheart,justlikeitdidtheveryfirsttimeheaimeditmyway.
“Yes,”Isay,fiddlingwiththenapkininmylap.“It’sperfect.It’skindoflikewe’rebusinesspartners.Youknow?”Summernodsslowly,hereyescloudedwithconfusion.“Likewehavethesamegoal,butcanstillkeepthingsseparate.Professionalalmost.”Isayittolaythingsout,anicechain-linkfencearoundmyselftokeepmybattered,untrustingheartsafefromharm.SafefromamanlikeTheo,whowouldbetoodamneasytofallfor.
Theotensesbesideme.IknowinstantlyI’velandedablowthathurthim.
WhenIglanceover,Icantellhe’savoidinglookingatme.Icantelltheproudsmileonhishandsomefacehasmeltedaway.Thecornersofhiseyesarepinched,andhesnugglesViviclosertohimself,likeImighttakeheraway.
AndasmuchasIfelttheneedtodrawthatlineinthesandtoprotectmyself…
Iregretsayingitatall.18Theo
Mom:You’retellingeveryonetonight?
Theo:Thebigreveal.
Julia:I’malittlesurprisedthisisthefirsttimethishashappened.
Theo:Jules,don’tyouhavesomehomeworktodoorsomething?
Julia:IfeellikeyoucouldbethatguywhohaskidscroppingupleftandrightifyoueverdooneofthoseancestryDNAtests.
Theo:It’snotmyfaultI’msofertilethatnobarriercanstopme.
Julia:Gross.You’remybrother.That’stheline.
Mom:Playstupidgames,winstupidprizes.
***
ThesunissettingonthesprawlingbackdeckoftheranchhousewhenRhettcatchesmyeye.Hetipshisheadtowardthehouse,silentlygesturingthatIfollowhiminside.
IglanceacrossthetableatWinter.She’ssittingwithherbackstraight,rightbesidealargestandingheaterwithSloaneontheoppositesideofher.WillaandSummertalkoverthemaboutsomething.
Asifshecanfeelmyeyesonher,Winterturnsherheadatasnail’space,likeshe’sresistingaforcethat’soverpoweringher.Oureyesmeet.
Viviisasleepinmyarms,butWinter’sattentionisonme.Ican’tquiteplacethelookonherface,andIdomybesttokeepmyfeaturescasuallyblank.Trytoputonasmilingfaceandnotgiveawaytoalivelygroupofhappypeoplethatbeingreferredtoasabusinesspartnermakesmewanttoflipthefuckingtable.
IstandatthesametimeasRhett,andmouthtoWinter,“Headinginforaminute.”
Shenodstightlyinresponse,armsgesturingoutinanoffertotakeVivi.
Ishakemyhead.NochanceamIgivingupasinglemomentwiththislittlegirlasleepinmyarms.
AfterfollowingRhettin,Ipropagainsttheislandinthekitchenwhileheleansagainstthebackofthebigleathercouchthatfacesintothelivingroom.It’slikewe’rebothplayingatbeingcasualwhenweknowthisconversationisanythingbut.
He’sgotabonetopick.
Andfrankly,sodoI.Wintercancallmeherbusinesspartnerallshewants,butnooneisgoingtoaccuseherofthethingsRhettdidearlier.Iwon’tallowit.
“Howyoudoing?”Hisarmscross,andheglancesbetweenVivi’ssleepingfaceandmine.
“Fine,”Ibiteback.
“Thismusthavecomeasquitethesurprise.”
“Noshit.”
“Howareyoufeelingaboutit?”
Igiveasingle,rigidshrug.“Good.”
“No,really,Theo.Youcan’thavewantedthis.Obviously,Viviisamazing,butthisisn’twhatyousignedupfor,andwebothknowit.Ididn’thurlmyselfinfrontofabullforyoutothroweverythingaway.”
“Rhett,I’mgoingtostopyourightthere.Youhavebeenmyfriendforalongtime.Mymentorforevenlonger.Mydadlovedyou,andIdotoo.Butsohelpme,ifyoukeeptalkingaboutthiscurrentsituationlikeit’saburden,itwillbecomedifficulttostayfriendswithyou.”
Heflinches,hiseyeswidening.“Wow.Alright.It’sjustthatWinteriskindof—”
“What?”Icuthimoff.“Strong?Intelligent?Afantasticfuckingmom?Becauseifyouwerethinkingwordsaboutherthatareanythinglessthanpositive,thenyou’vefoundtheline.”
Rhettchuckles.“I’veneverseenthissideofyou.”
“Whatside?”Imumble,staringdownatVivi’ssereneface,studyingthewayherdarkfringeoflashesfansdelicatelyoverherfullrosycheeks.
“This…this…”HewavesahandupanddownmyframewhenIpeekupathim.“Thispapabearsideofyou.Butyouknowitdoesn’tmeanyouhavetolikeWinter.She’sacomplicatedwoman.Imean,she’sfamily,butshe’snotalwayseasyto—”
“I’vealwayslikedWinter.IlikedherwhenyoutoldmestoriesaboutherbeforeImether.IlikedherthefirsttimeIlaideyesonherattheshittygasstationonthecornerofRosewoodandMain.IlikedherwhensheyelledImusthaveasmalldick.”Rhett’sfaceisamixofconfusionanddisbelief.“AndIespeciallylikehernow.I’mnotsadaboutVivi.TheonlythingI’msadaboutisnotbeingthereforWinterearlier.Butthat’smycrosstobear.So,ifyou’relookingforapersontocommiseratewithabouthowawfulsheis,youneedtofindsomeoneelse.”
Withthat,Ipushoffthecounter,openthebackdoorandwaveahandattheonlywomanwhohasevercapturedmyattention.Mynewbusinesspartner
Iinterruptthequiethumofconversation,donewithbeingaroundeveryone.“Tink,let’sgohome.”
Sheblinksacoupleoftimes,thensaysafewpolitethankyousandexcusesherself.WhenshegetstoVivienneandme,shegripsmybicepandletsmeleadheroutofthehouse.
***
Wedrivehomeinstrainedsilence.Itellmyselfit’sbecauseViviisasleepinthebackseat.Butthat’salie.
Iknowit.AndI’mgettingthesenseWinterknowsittoo.
“ThatwentbetterthanIexpected,”shesays,hervoicealittletoobrightforherpersonality.
“Whatwereyouexpecting?”Myhandsclamponthewheel,myvoicelowandquiet.
Darknesssettlesaroundus,andthedullhumofthetiresonthebackroadfillsthevoidofhernotresponding.Itrytokeepmyeyesontheroad,butshe’squietforsolongthatIcan’thelpbutglanceoverather.Herpostureisstraight,butherhandsaretwistinginherlap,givingawayherinnerdistress.
“Ididn’texpectyoutodefendme.”
Ishakemyhead,abitirritatedshethinksIwouldn’t.
“I’llalwaysdefendyou,Winter.”
Mystatementmustshockher,judgingbythewayherheadsnapsinmydirection.Afterafewbeats,sheclearsherthroatandrelaxesbackinherseat.
“I’mnotsurprisedbyRhett’stake,becausethat’smostlywhatIexpected.Ican’tblamehimforpaintingmeasthevillain.Icanunderstandwhyhewouldperceivemethatway.”
“Why?”
“BecausemyrelationshipwithSummerisnew.Andheholdsagrudgebetterthanshedoes,Iguess.”
“He’sanidiot.”
“No.”Shesighsheavilyandhergazedriftsoutthewindow.“I’vebeenbrutaltoSummeralmostmyentirelife.”
“Why?Didshedosomethingtoyou?”
Wintersnorts,likewebothknowit’soutofcharacterforSummertodosomethingmean.“ItsoundsstupidwhenIsayitoutloud.”
“Isaylotsofstupidstuff.”
Shefocusesonmenow.“Well,that’strue.Ithinkyoubarkedatmeonce.”
Mylipstwitch,butIjustshakemyhead.“Continue.”
“IthinkIfiguredoutatayoungagethatifImirroredthewayMarinatreatedSummer—andmydad—shesortof…leftthemalone?LikeifshefeltlikeIwasonherteam,shewouldcarelessaboutwhattheydidbecauseshecouldturnallherattentiontome.Onprimingmetobetheperfectmini-mesurgeonversionofher.Ileveledtheplayingfieldforher.Intakingmeawayfromthem,shefeltlikeshewonand,inturn,didn’tterrorizemylittlesister.”
“HaveyoutoldSummerthis?”
Winter’sbodyheavesunderaweightysigh.“No.Wejuststartedfresh.Hashingthisoutwillonlyhurther.AndIdon’twanttohurthermorethanIalreadyhave.”
“Youshouldtellher.”
“Why?”
“Itwouldmakeyoufeelbetter.”
“Andherworse.She’llfeellikesheneedstofixme.That’sjusthowsheis.”
“Youdon’tneedfixing,Winter.”Iswallowtheacheinmythroat.Thatseemsliketoomuchforachildtoprocess,letalonebear.“Butwhataboutyou?”
Shewavesmeoff.“I’llsurvive.”
“Andwhataboutthechildyouoncewere?”
Hertonguedartsacrossherlips,coveringforwhateveranxietyshefeelsrightnow.“Iwasfine.Theyfedme,wateredme,andclothedmeindesignereverythingandIdidanyextra-curricularactivityIwanted.”Sheshrugs.“Iwantedfornothing.”
“Butwhataboutlove?”
ShetwiststolookoverhershoulderatVivi,hervoicetakingonathickerqualitywhenshesays,“Whataboutit?”
“Didyouhaveit?”
Iwatchherthroatworkasherattentionstaysfixedonoursleepingdaughter.“No.Idon’tthinkIeverhadituntilher.”
Withoutthinking,Ipresstheheelofmyhandtomychest,willingtheacheaway.Iwishmymomwerehere.She’dknowwhattodoorsay.
“It’sfunny,”Wintercontinues,asthoughshe’sinatrance.“Itookanoathasadoctor.It’smyjobtosavepeople’slives.Andsomehow,thatdoesn’tfeelheavyoroppressive.It’smoreofachallengeIcanriseto.Butwithher?God.It’sconsuming.Sometimes,I’msoconsumedwithlovingherIcan’tevensleep.I’duseaninnocentstrangerasashieldforheriftherewasgunfire.I’dshoveothersintotheflamestogetheroutofaburningbuilding.I’dswimthroughboilingwaterforher.Iwouldn’tevenblink,Theo.”
“So,youloveher?That’snormal.Imean,yourdescriptionsareabit…dark.ButIfollow,”Isay,asIpullintoherdriveway.
“Isit?”Sheturnshercrystalblueeyesonme.Theytwinkleinthedarkcabofthetruck,reflectingeveryspeckoflightaroundus.“I’veneverlovedanyonelikethisbefore.AndnoonehaslovedmelikeVividoes.Itfeelssoforeign.”
JesusChrist.Thiswoman.
Iitchtotouchher,tosootheher.SoIreachoutandcupherhead,combingmyfingersthroughherhairlikeIdidintheelevator.Ileanacrosstheconsoleandsheholdsmygaze.“Yeah,Winter.”Heririsesdroptomylips.“That’snormal.Andyoushouldn’tsettleforanythingless.”
Herbreathfansacrossmycheekwhenshesighs.Icouldsoeasilyturnmyfingersintoafistinherhairandkissher.Giveheratasteofnotsettling.ButshepullsawaybeforeIcan,onehandcominguptogivemyforearmaplatonicsqueeze.
Ican’ttellifthisisaone-sidedattractionsometimes.Can’ttellifIspendeverydayintheshowerjerkingoffwhilethinkingaboutawomanwhodoesn’tthinkofmeatall.Winterisalmostimpossibletogetasteadyreadon.
Andtonightisnodifferent.
Shegivesmeaflatsmilebeforewepartways,withoutanotherwordexchangedbetweenus.IwatchhercarryVivi’sbucketseatupintothedarkhousebeforeIpulloutanddrivetotheonerightnextdoor.
WhenIgoinside,itfeelslikeI’menteringthewronghouse.19Theo
Winter:Thankyoufortonight.
Theo:Ididn’tdoanythingspecial.
Winter:Youdid.
Theo:Wantmetocomeoveranddosomethingtrulyspecialthatwillhaveyouthankingmeprofusely?
Winter:Areyoualwaysthishorny?
Theo:Iwasgoingtosaycleanyourhouse.Getyourmindoutofthegutter,Dr.Hamilton.
***
“Outyougo,Peter.”
Iflookscouldkill,I’dbedeadnow.Peterglaresupatme—backroundedandonefrontpawlifted—whilehistinybodyshakes.Somepeoplemightthinkhe’scold,butIknowbetter.That’shissmall-manrage.
“Iknow.HowdareImakeyougetoffthecouchandgopee?”
Hetremblesagain.
“Iamofficiallytheworstpersonintheworld.”
Thedog’searsflattenandhisusuallybuggyeyesnarrow.
Isigh,tiredafteroneoftheweirdestfuckingnightsofmylife,andbenddowntoscoophimup.“Let’sgo,asshole.Iwon’thaveyouwakingmeupinthemiddleofthenight.”
Weheadoutthebackdoor,andPetermakesunimpressedgruntingnoises.Iplacehimonthegrassandtakeaseatonthebackporchstep.Heturnsandshootsmeadisapprovingscowloverhisshoulder.
“IsthatwhatIgetforrescuingyou?Idon’tevenlikesmalldogs.You’reanexception.”
Hegingerlywalksacrossthegrasslikeitsmereexistenceisapersonalaffronttohissensitivelittlelegs.IdecideI’llmowthegrassshortertomorrow.I’lldoWinter’slawntoo.
That’swhenIhearit.
Vivi’sangrycriesfilterintothenightfromnextdoor.Theseolderhomeshavealotofcharacter,butterriblesoundproofing.
I’mtornaboutwhattodo.IhatethatWinterdoeseverythingbyherself.
Ican’tbelieveIsaidsomethingaboutnotwantingmydogtowakemeupatnightwhenWinterhasbeendoingthatformonths.
Alone.
Petersniffsandspinslikehe’sgoingtopee.Forwhateverreason,hedecidesthepatchofgrassinthecorneristrashandunworthyofhisgift.So,hegoesbacktosniffingtofindtheperfectspot.
Viviwails,andthemoreIhearhercries,themoreagitatedIfeel.IstandandwatchPeterglancearoundlikehe’slookingfortheideallocationtobuildhisdreamhome,nottakeapiss.
“Comeon,Pete.Youusedtoliveinthestreet.You’renotthisfancy.Pickaspot.”Isnapmyfingersbeforetwirlingtheminanagitated“let’sgo”motion.BecauseIcan’tjustsithere,orcrawlintobedforafullnight’ssleep,knowingthey’restrugglingafewfeetaway.
So,whenPeterfinallyrelieveshimself,Imarchacrossthelawnandscoophimuptothechorusofmoreagitatedgrumbles.Itakethenarrowsidewalkbetweenthehouses,stepoverthelowpicketfence,andwalkstraightacrosstheneighboringlawntothefrontdoor.Basedonthecryingcomingfrominside,Iwillnotbewakinganyoneup,soIknockthreetimes.Hard.
Ittakesabit,butthedooropens.Winter’sstillinherdress,andshe’swashedherface,butonlyoneside.
“I’msorry.I’lltrytokeepitdown.”
Istareather.Shehasnoideahowtoaskforhelp.
Andthenithitsme.She’shadnoonetoask.
“IthoughtIcouldjusttransferherfromthecarseattohercrib.”Asighthatcouldalsopassasasobescapesherastearsspringupinhereyes.“ButthatstupidfuckingcreakyhingethatIkeepmeaningtofixwokeherupandnowsheispissed.Itriedbouncingherandshedoesn’twanttonurse.AndIcan’thandlelisteningtohercry,butIalsodon’twanttosleepwithmymakeuponorwithoutbrushingmyteeth.SoIjustneedaminuteandthenI’llkeepit—”
Iputahandonhershoulderandeaseherbackintothehouse,kickingthedoorshutbehindme.ThenIholdPeterouttoher.“Here.Takemydogandgotobed.”
Shetakeshim,eventhoughshelooksdownathisspindlybodylikehemightbediseased.Inearlysmileastherealizationhitsme.PeterandWinterhavealotincommon.Pricklyontheoutside,alittlebrokenontheinside,andindesperateneedofsomeonetoholdthem.
“Idon’tneedyourhelp,Theo.”
Thisisthepartwhereshelashesout,butIexpectedthatfromher.She’sfiercelyindependent.
Igiveherasoftsmilewhilesheandmydogglareatme.“Iknowyoudon’t,Winter.ButIwanttohelpanyway.Letmehelptonight,okay?”
Hereyesgoroundassaucers.She’ssousedtopeoplewalkingawaywhenshegetssnappythatIconfuseherwhenIdon’tbackoff.
So,Ipressahandtothesmallofherbackandleadherdownthehallway.
“AmIsupposedtoletyourdogsleepinmybed?”
“Yes.”
“Buthe—”
“Willbegoodforyou.Helikestosnuggle,andhesleepslikethedead.Gofinishtakingoffyourmakeupandbrushyourteeth.”
Withagentlepush,IsendWinterintothebathroomandthenturnaroundandenterVivi’snursery,herangrywailsfillingtheair.
“Babygirl,whatisthecommotion?”Icooashertinyarmsreachupforme.“Youcan’tbepartyingthislate.Yourpoormamaneedssomerest.”
Iliftherintomyarms,andherwetcheeknuzzlesintomyneck.Tinyfistsgripatmyshirt,and…shejustcriesharder.
“Okay,you’rereallymad.Igetit.Itseemslikeeveryoneistonight,soyouaren’tbeingoriginalatall.”
Bouncingher,IwalkouttothekitchenandpulloutallthebitsandpiecesIneedtowarmsomemilkfromthefreezerforher.“YouknowwhenIgetcrabby?WhenI’mhungry.Soyougetthatfromme.Let’strythisagain.”
Shegaspsforair,bodyheavingundertheweightoftryingtocatchherbreath.“Mymomcallsithangry.Hungryandangrytogether.Mysistergetsthatwaytoo.Probablywhyshe’salwaysmakingfunofme.She’sjusthangry.I’mprettysureit’saSilvatrait.”
Bythetimeherbottleisready,Vivi’scrieshaveslowedandIheaddownthehallwaytowardherroom.Iplantositintherockingchairwithmydaughterandwatchherdriftofftosleep.
MyheadsnapsupwhenIhearthesqueakofdoorhinges.Winterstandsattheentrancetoherroom,directlyacrossthehallfromVivi’s,lookingtiredandwide-eyedallatonce.Likeshedoesn’tknowwhattodoorsaywhensomeoneswoopsintohelpher.
ShenibblesatherlipasIdrawcloser,andmygazedropstotraceoverherflimsycottonnightgown.Iwonderifshe’swearinganythingunderneath.Imagesflashthroughmymindofmeflippingitupandtakingher.
“Gotobed,Winter.”
“Areyousure?Whatareyougoingtodo?”
IplaceViviinhercribandputthewarmbottleintohergrabbyhandsbeforeturningtofacethewomanwhohasoccupiedallthespaceinmybrainsincethefirstmomentIlaideyesonher—sincebeforethatprobably.
EverytimeRhettbroughtupwhathappenedbetweenherandSummer,Icouldn’thelpbutthinkthatweweren’tgettingtheentirestory.Thatpeoplearen’tcruelfornogoodreason.Thattwosiblingsshouldn’tbesoatodds.Thatparentsshouldn’tfucktheirkidsaroundasbadlyaswhathedescribed.Mychildhoodwasn’tperfect,butIneverdoubtedhowmuchmyparentslovedme.
It’strueIdidn’tknowWinter,butIwonderedaboutherallthesame.
“I’mgoingtotakecareofourdaughtersothatyoucangettherestyouneed.”
“That’sokay.Idon’tneedyourhelp—”
Myhandshootsout,wrappingaroundhersgrufflyasImarchherbackintoherbedroom.It’slikemine,withcrownmoldingsandpolishedhardwoods,buthershasafemininetouch.Shehasabeautiful,antique-stylebrassbedframe.It’sdaintyandpolished,probablycooltothetouch—justlikeher.
Butifyouholdthatmetallongenough,itwillheat.Takeonthetemperatureofitssurroundings.
Winterjustneedsalittleheattowarmherself.
Peterhasalreadycurledhimselfontothepristinewhitebedsheets,approvingoftheextravagantroom.
“Getinbed,Winter.OrIwillputyoutheremyself.”
Herbodyiscloseenoughtominethatwhensheturnstofaceme,thetipsofhernipplesbrushagainstmychest.
“WhatpartofIdon’tneedyourhelpisn’tregistering?”Hershouldersrotateback,butthatonlypressesherbreastsfurtherintomychest.
Viviisblissfullyhappywithabottleinhercrib,andWinterhasherclawsoutjustthewayIlike.
Twocanplaythisgame.
Timesarechanging.
“Allofit,Winter.”Irunmyhanddownthesideofherbody,palmshapingherhip.Nohemlineofpantiesatall.Igroanrightasshesucksinabreath,bothourchinsdroppingtolookatmyhandsplayedoverherpossessively.Sosmallbeneathmypalm.
MemoriesfilterinofmeflippingheroverandliftingherhipsjustthewayIwantedthem.Herassarchedbacktowardme,legsspreadwideinoffering,whileIreachedunderherbodytostrumatherclit.Shewhimperedmynameandcameonmycock,eventhoughshesworeshenevercould.
Idropmymouthtoherear,notmissingthewaysheshivers.“You’regoingtoacceptmyhelp.Andyou’regoingtolikeit.Youmighteventhankmeforit.”Inipherearlobeandlowermyvoicetoadd,“LikeyoudidthelasttimeIgaveyouahand.”
Withafewgentlesteps,Imoveahead,pushinghertowardthebeduntilthebacksofherbarelegsbuttupagainsttheedge.Withasoftnudgeatherhip,hertiredbodyfoldsandshesitsonthemattresswithmetoweringaboveher.
IsoftlygripherjawasIbenddowntocomeeyetoeyewithher.Herpaleblueirisesraceovermyfacelikeshe’stryingtoguesswhatImightdonext.
There’snoresistanceinherrightnow,onlycuriosity.PossiblyevensomeofthesamememoriesI’vebeenobsessingover,basedonthewayherhardnipplesstrainagainsthernightgown.
“We’reateam,Winter.”
Herbreathfansoutovermydamplipsinshort,harshpantsasshestaresatme.“Ateam.”
Inod.“Yes.Ateam.Sowe’regoingtohavetoworktogethersometimes.Youcan’tfightmeallthetime.”
Thecolumnofherthroatworksassheswallows,andIpullaway,needingsomespace.NeedingtogetawayfromherbeforeIfuckupthissliveroftrustI’veworkedonearningwithher.
“Yes.”Hervoiceisanunsteadywhisper.“We’relikebusinesspartners.”
Businesspartners.
Thattermstillmakesmewanttobreaksomething.
Wearenotthat.
Mygripisbackonherchin,alittlefirmerthistime,asIangleherfaceuptomine.“Winter,”Irasp.“Ihavesponsors.Andagents.Doctorsandtrainers.Thosearebusinessrelationships.YouandIarealotofthings,butbusinesspartnersisnotoneofthem.”
Shelicksherlips—licksherfuckinglips—gazebouncingbetweenmyeyeswhileherhandsgriptheedgeofthemattress.
“Whynot?Wecouldbe.”
Thiswomanneverbacksdown.It’sfuckinginfuriating,andIlovethatabouther.
“BecausethethingsIdreamaboutdoingtoyouarehorriblyunprofessional.”
Ithrowallmyrestraintoutofthegoddamnwindowandtakehermouth.
I’mhardandunyielding,onehandatherjawwhiletheotherslidesintoherhair.Andshedoesn’tmissabeat.Hermouthopens,andshewelcomesthekiss.Herhandslatchontomyshirtandshestepsinclose.
Likeapreciousmetal,shewarms.
Softlipsandhungrymoanstakemebacktoournightinadimlylitelevator.ToahallwaywhereIshovedherupagainstawall.
Iswipemytongueintohermouth,deepeningthekiss.Shepullsmecloser,overher.Untilshe’slaidbackonthemattressandI’mstrainingtokeepfromfallingstraightintothebedwiththewomanwhodoesn’tseemtocomprehendhowtemptingsheis.
Herkissesarewildandfrantic,edgedindesperation.HernailsdigintomybackasInipatherbottomlip.Mycockstrainsatthefrontofmyjeans,butIforcemyselftoholdback.
Oneofherlegswrapsaroundmyhips,tuggingmeclose.Liningusup.
Igrindintoher,knowingIshouldn’t.
Knowingthesejeansaresoeasilydiscarded.
Knowinghowlongit’sbeen.
Knowingshe’llregretthisinthemorning.Orworse,holditagainstmeandthinkIpouncedonherinamomentofweaknesswhenshewasn’tsure.
IwanthertobeassureasIam.
Idrawback,andforseveralseconds,westareateachother.Muchlikeeighteenmonthsago,Ithinkwerealizethere’safervorbetweenusthatneitherofuscanexplainorresist.
Apull.Aconnection.Alonging
Ormaybethat’sjustme.Afterall,shejustannouncedmeasthefatherofherchildandalsoherbusinesspartnertoourclosestgroupoffriendsandfamily.
“I’msorry.I…youneedrest.”
AsIpullaway,herhandstightenmomentarily,likeshemightgivemeasignthatIshouldn’tleave.ThatshewantsmeasbadlyasIwanther.
Butnothingcomes.
WhenIstandandstaredownather,sheisdeliciouslydisheveled.Puffylips,chaoticeyes…andhernightgownhasshiftedup,baringhertome.Pussyspread,lookingsodamnpinkandwetandinviting.
Ioftendaydreamaboutspendinglong,lazyhourswithmyheadbetweenthosethighs.
Tearingmygazeawayisnearlyimpossible,butcontinuingtostareatherwithnoresponsefeelslikeaninvasion.
Iscrubahandovermystubbleandforcemyselftolookaway,seekingcontrolinwhatevercornerImightfindashredofit.Then,withapainedgroan,Ireachforwardandgentlylowerthelightcottontocoverherwhilehereyesstayfixedonmine.
Adeepflushcreepsdownherthroatandoverherchest,butshemakesnomovetostopme.Herchestrisesandfallsheavilyasshewatcheswithvibrantblueeyesandbrightpinkcheeks.
“Goodnight,Winter,”Iwhisper,clingingtothethreadofcontrolthatdoesn’tfeelstrongenoughtodragmeawayfromher.
Thatcoolmaskslipsbackoverherdaintyfeaturesasshereplieswith,“Goodnight,Theo.”
There’sabiteinherwords.Shewieldsmynamelikeawhip,andIfeelthestingofit.
“Sleep.”Myvoicecomesoutscratchyandunsure.“Anddon’tgetoutofbeduntilit’slightout.”
PeterpeeksoneeyeopenatmeindismissalbeforeIwalkaway,forcingmyjointstocarrymetowardthehallway.
AndwhenIgotoclosethedoorbehindme,thehingessqueakandVivi’scriescomeroaringbacktolife.
I’mhappytotakeovertonight.IwanttospendqualitytimewithVivi.
That’swhyI’mhere.
Butfuck.Ican’tkeeppretendingeither.
IwanttospendqualitytimewithWintertoo.20Winter
Summer:Youokayafterlastnight?I’msorryitgotawkward.
Winter:Ihaveaspecialknackformakingthingsawkward.SodoesRhett.
Summer:Youdonot.IthinkRhettwasbeingprotectiveinhisownway.
Winter:Wow.Luckyme.ThemachobigbrotherIneverwanted.
Summer:Lol.You’restuckwithhimthough.AndTheo,apparently.Thatwas…news.
Winter:Yep.Sorry.
Summer:Don’tbe.Doyoulikehim?
Winter:He’sfine.ExceptIjusthadadreamthathemarriedareallyannoyingandhotbucklebunnywithasuperhighpitchedpornvoice.IhadtospendeveryholidaywithhersoIcouldalsobewithVivi.
Winter:AndtheywereintoPDA.Likelap-sittingandmakingout.
Summer:YoumakeitsoundlikehegotalapdanceatChristmasdinner.
Winter:That’swhatitwaslike!Brutal.Itwokemeup,andI’mirrationallyannoyedathimnowforbringingafictionalpersontoafictionaldinnersetfaraheadinthefuture.
Summer:Sothedreammadeyoujealous?
Winter:No.I’mnotjealous.Itwasjustadream.
Summer:There’sonlyonewaytomakesureahot,high-pitchedvoicebucklebunnydoesn’ttakeoverall
yourholidays.
Winter:How?
Summer:MarryTheoyourself.
Winter:Ha.That’llbetheday.
***
GraylightfiltersintotheroomwhenIprymyeyesopen.Ican’ttellwhattimeitisandthere’sapartofmethatdoesn’tcare.Itisn’ttechnicallystilldark,soI’vedonewhatTheoasked.
AnnoyingTheo,andhisannoyingnightmarewife.
Ibrushthememoryaway,refusingtoletdreamTheoruinmyfirstfullnight’ssleepinwhoknowshowlong.Forthefirsttimeinrecentmemory,Ididn’twakeupdog-tired.Withasmile,Istretchlightly,andmybarelegspressupagainst…fur.IttakesmeamomenttorealizePeterthedoghaswedgedhimselfbetweenmyankles,underthecovers.
AndI’mnotevenmadaboutit.
Weneverhadpetsgrowingup.Marinawasn’tafan,andIdon’tthinkKipwantedtodieonthathill.NowI’mwonderingifI’dhavelikedapet.Acat?Ahamster?IlifttheduvetandpeekdownatPeter.
Hisheadliftsslowly,buthedoesn’tturnittolookatme.Onlyhiseyesshiftoverinmydirection,likeI’vepissedhimoff.
Asmallchuckleescapesmeasthedog’searsflattenagainsthisbobblehead
Ilikehim.I’mprettysureI’vegivenpeoplethislookbefore.Peterisrelatable,andIdecidetoignorethefacthe’sgettinghislittlechihuahuahairsallovermyfreshbed.
WhenIdropthecoverandflopbackdown,hisheadgoesdownwithit,satisfiedthatI’mnolongerdisturbinghispeace.He’shappytousemylegsforwarmth,butnotespeciallygratefulaboutit.
WhichmakesmethinkofTheo.Again.
Lastnighttookmethroughawholerangeofemotions.Fromanunexpectedkindredfeelingatdinnerallthewaythroughtodesperation.
BecausethethingsIdreamaboutdoingtoyouarehorriblyunprofessional.
Withthatonesentence,heblastedthrougheverywallI’veworkedatassembling.Andwhenhepulledaway?Stareddownatmybodyandthenstopped?
I’dbeenvulnerableforabeat,andheguttedmewithouteventrying.Asifhedidn’tlikewhathesaw.Hence,thenightmarewife.
Ihatebeingthisself-conscious.ButthetruthofthematteristhatmybodyhaschangedsinceVivi.Yeah,Igrewahuman.It’samazing.Blah,blah,blah
Butit’shardtoavoidthethoughtthatIwastedmybestyearsonRobValentine.Iworkedout.Iran.Madesureyoucouldbounceadimeoffmyass.Ispenthoursatthesalon.AllsoIcouldholdupthefacadeofusbeingastorybookcoupleeveryonewouldregardwithenvy.
Ilookedmybestandfeltmyworst.
Ican’tblameTheofortakingonelonglookatmeandbackingawayslowly.Maybeitwasn’tthechangesinmybody,butthetruthofwhoIam.Alittlepetty.Alittlebitter.Alotclosedoff.
Where’stheappeal?
Isnortandrollovertositup.Theoishereforhisdaughter,whichisallI’vewantedforherfromthebeginning.SoIneedtogathermywitsaboutmeandputonahappyface.
Lastnight,whenshecried,Ilistenedtothedeeprumbleofhisvoiceashetalkedtoher.Heardthefloorcreakingasherockedher.
Ilaidawake,thinkingIshouldmarchoutthereandtakeherback.Notsaddlehimwithherwhenshe’stiredandteething,probablywantingme.Butmybodyfailedme.IwassotiredIcouldn’tmove.
Andmypridewouldn’tletmefacehimafterhekissedmeandapologizedlikeitwasamistake.So,IdriftedofftothesoundsofhersoftcriesandTheo’spatientwords.
Thelittlelumpbetweenmyfeetmovestowardthetopofthecovers,andthosebuggyeyespopout.Heshakesthesheetoff,earsflappingashedoes.Hesitsandstaresatme.
“Don’tpeeinmybed.”
Hejustblinks.
“AmIsupposedtotakeyouout?”
Anotherblink.
“Iwenttomedschool,buttheydidn’tteachmehowtospeakdog.”
Blanklook.
“Areyouhungry?”
Peterstandsup,histailwavinglikewindshieldwipersonarainydayashisenormouseyesgoevenwider.
“Ithoughtyouweredeaf,”IsayasIrubmyeyesandpushtostand.
Ipullmyrobeon,andwhenIturnaround,he’sstillstandingthereattheedgeofmybedlookingexpectant.
Mygazedropstothefloorbeforeliftingbacktothesmallbeigedog.“Iguessthatlookslikearealdeathdroptoyou,huh?”
Withacoupleofstepsback,Iscoophimupandheadintothehallwaywhilemuttering,“Ican’tbelieveI’mtalkingtoafuckingdog.”
AftersettingPeteronthebackstepsohecandohisbusiness,Iheadintothehouse,fullyexpectingtofindTheocrashedoutonthecouchafterhisfirstnightofsolodad-ing.Themanmusthaveabreakingpoint.Himbeingthisnaturalatparentingjustcannotstand.
Butheisn’tonthecouchoronthechair.Myheartratespikesinstantly,mybrainspiralingintopanic.IbarelyknowthemanandIleftmybabywithhim?Wehaven’ttalkedaboutcustody.Whatifhe’sjust…
MyhandflattensonmychestasIforcemyselftobreathe.Thenmyeyescatchonhisshoesatthefrontdoor,andmybodyrelaxesasmidgeon.
Maybethey’reupalready?That’swhatItellmyselfasIwalktowardthenursery,forcingmyselftotakecalm,evensteps.Panickingisnevertheanswer.IneverfeelbetterorthinkclearerwhenIpanic.
Ipushitalldown,wrapmyhandaroundthedoorknob,andpeekintotheroomwhiletellingmyselfeverythingisfine.
Anditis.ExceptforthefactthatIcan’tbreatheagain.
BecauseitseemsTheodid,infact,reachhisparentingbreakingpoint.Butofcourse,ithadtobethemostprecious,heart-twisting,ovary-burstingbreakingpointintheworld.
God.IfuckinghateTheoSilva.
Imoveintotheroomtogetacloserlookandcan’tkeepfromsmiling.
Theoisasleepinsidethecrib.Hismuscularframecurlsaroundthelittlegirltuckedtightlyintothecrookofhisarmwithapeaceful,pleasedexpressiononherface.
Andwhocouldblameher?She’sknownherdadforallofacoupleofweeks,andshe’sgothimwrappedaroundherlittlefinger.Heriskeditalltotesttheweightlimitsofhercribandlooksstupidlydeliciousdoingit.
IwishIdidn’tfeelsuchapowerfulattractiontoTheo,buthemakesitreally,reallyhard.Allthatmusseddarkhair,thedarklashesfanneddowninathickfringe—justlikeVivi’s—andhisbroadpalmsplayedprotectivelyoverherback.
Andhe’ssodamngood.Downtothemarrow.I’vespentenoughtimearoundshitmentorecognizethecaliberofthemanbeforeme.
Somenightmarewifeisgoingtobeveryluckytotiehimdownoneday.MyjobmeansI’mtrainedtoletpeoplego,butIhaveasinkingsuspicionthatlettingTheogowillhurtmorethanithasanyrightto.
MyeyesstingatthesightandIblinkrapidly.Ireallyneedtostopcrying.
Butthis?
Itstirsthemom-arazzoinme,soIpullmyphoneoutofmypocketandtakeafewstepsclosertodocumentthismoment.
ForTheo.He’llwantthispicture.
AndforVivi.Iimagineshe’llwantthisonedaytoo.
Isnapthephotoandleave.AsIstaredownattheimage,Irubmychest,feelinglikeIhaveheartburnjustfromlookingatthem.
ButIunderstandthebody’sinnerworkings,soIshouldknowbetter.
Thisisn’theartburn.It’sjustmethawingoutforthemanlyinginmydaughter’scrib.21Winter
“Whatareyoudoing?”Mysister’sdarkbrowsknit.
“Idon’thavealeash.”
Petertakesanotherbiteofblueberrymuffinfrommyfingers.
“Butwhydoyouhavethedogstandingonmyfrontdesk?”
“He’ssosmall.Idon’twanthimtogetsteppedon.AndIdon’thaveabowl.I’mnotgoingtomakehimeatoffthefloor.That’sgross.Thisisagym.”IwaveahandtowardthemainpartofSummer’sfitnesscenter.“Therearegross,sweatydudeseverywhere.”
“Right.Butthat’sadog.Ibethe’seatenliteralshitinhislifetime.Whyishegettingablueberrymuffin?”
MylipcurlsasIwatchPeterdaintilyeatacookedblueberry.“Pleasedon’truinthisnewfoundcaninefriendshipforme,Sum.Ilethimsleepinmybedlastnight.”
“Theo?”
Istart.“What?No.Thedog.”
“Oh.Yeah,I’vesleptwithPetertoo.”
Ican’thelpbutsnort.“Howveryonbrandforus.”
Summer’seyesgowide,andIwishIcouldtakebackthejoke.“Itwasajoke,”Iblurt,internallyberatingmyselfbecauseIcameheretoworkmoreatmendingmyfriendshipwithherandinstead,Iinadvertentlyinsultedher.“Iswearitwasajoke.God.Fuck.”Iscrubahandovermyface.“I’msorry.I’mstillsoawkwardaroundyou.”
MyhandisovermyeyeswhenIhearasmallchuckle.“IfeellikebeingabletocrackrudejokesaboutRobisuslevelingup,tobehonest.”
IpeekatSummerfrombetweenmyfingers.“Yeah?”
Herlipsrolltogetherasshenods.“Yeah.”
Isquaremyshoulders,emboldenedbyhersoftness.Sometimes,Istillcan’tbelieveshedoesn’thateme.
Withthatthoughtinmyhead,IblurtoutwhatIcameheretosaythismorning.“I’vealwayslovedyouandIwantyoutoknowthat.Evenwhenithasn’tseemedlikeit.Iknowyou’vetoldmeyoudon’tneedmetoexplainmyself,butIneedtoexplainmyself.”
Myout-of-left-fieldstatementcatchesheroffguard,soItakeasipofmycoffeetogivemysisteramoment.
“Ofcourse.Doyouwanttogo”—sheglancesaroundthepublicgym—“somewheremoreprivate?”
It’sstillearly,soit’squietexceptfortheclankofmetalplatesoverthelowbeatsthatplaythroughthespeakers.Someguywholookslikehe’sdoinghisbestDraximitationgruntswhileliftingheavyweights.He’sridiculous.
“No.Hereisgood.Ifwegosomewheremoreprivate,I’llcry.”
Summer’sbrowfurrows.“Butyounevercry.”
“Pfft.Apparently,it’smynewthing.IthastobesomemedicalconditionIdon’tknowabout.”
I’mstillstaringatthemanwhosebicepsmustbeasbigasmyhead.Hisveinsbulge,andhishandsomefaceisallredashestruggleswiththeweight.
Theoissomuchhotter
Iclearmythroatandturnbacktomysister,preparedtodeliverthisupdateinmyI’m-a-doctor-with-bad-newsway.“Ivaguelyrememberwhenyouwereborn.Iwasthree,andIrememberfeelingexcited.Iwantedyoutobeagirlsowecouldplaytogether.Especiallywithmydollhouse.Ilovedthatdollhouse.”
Summer’seyestwinkleandshecrossesherarmsoverhertorso,drawingmyeyetothescarrunningdownherchest.
“ButitwasneverquitelikeIwantedittobe.MarinakeptmeawayfromyoubeforeIcouldevenunderstandwhy,andthenKipwasalwaysbusytendingtoyouonhisown,sohedidn’ttrulyhavetimeforme.Itfeltlikehechoseyouovermesometimes,butIthinkIknowbetternow.”Iwaveahand,notwantingtogetintoourdadrightnow.“Onetime,hehadtoruntotheofficewhileyouwerenapping.Exceptyouwokeupandcried.Andgod…”Irunahandthroughmyhair,frustratedatmyselfbecausethisisn’tthedeliveryIplanned.“Imusthavebeenfouratthatpoint,butIcouldn’thandlelisteningtoyoucry.AndMarinaplannedtojustleaveyouthere.Shesaidyouweresafeinyourcrib,butI…”
Igazeoutthewindow,makingamentalnotetoresearchcryingfornogoodfuckingreason.IfIwasn’tlivingthecelibatelife,I’dworryI’mpregnantagain.“Youdidn’tsoundsafe.Yousoundeddistraught.So,whenshetookacallandleftmealone,Isnuckintoyourroom.Ididn’tknowwhattodo,soIcrawledintoyourcribwithyouandheldyou.Youstillcried,butIfeltlikeIwasthereforyouallthesame.”
Summeriscryingagainnow,rightoutinthefrontofherbusiness.Fat,silenttearsslidedownhercheeksasshestaresintomyeyes,listeningintently.Shedoesn’tlookaway,nomatterhowbadlyithurts.
Itakeadeepbreathandforgeahead.“WhenDa—Kip—gothome,hefounduslikethat,anditturnedintothisbigfightbetweenhimandMarina.”Isniffle,turningtogivePetermoremuffin.“Idon’trememberallthedetails.OnlythatMarinatookmydollhouseawayasapunishmentanditnevercamebackbecauseI”—Iholdmyfingersupinairquotes—“madeherlookbad.”
“Winter,youdon’tneedtogobackandrelivethis.It’sokay.”Summerstepscloserandplacesherhandonmybicep,squeezinggently.
“No,Ido.Becausethatday,Ilearnedbeingclosewithyouwouldn’tendwellforme.Andthatonceyouwereoldenough,itwouldn’tendwellforyoueither.Imean,Idon’tthinkIknewthelessonatthetime,butIlearneditallthesame.Learnedwebothcouldflyundertheradarbestthatway.ThatMarinapaidyoulessattentionwhenImadeherlookgood.”Ican’thelpbutrollmyeyes.“IthinkIalwaysprotectedyouinmyownway.Igotcomfortableinmyroleastheevilstepsister,anditjustdidn’tfeelworthchanging.”
Summernods,thetipofhernosepinkfromcrying.“You’renotevil.Iwishyou’dstopthinkingofyourselfthatway.”Hervoicebreaksandmythroatthickens,stupideyesstingingastheyfill.
“Ah,fuck.Comehere,Sum.”ItosstherestofthemuffindowninfrontofPeterandwrapmyarmsaroundmylittlesister.“I’mjustsosorry.Idon’tknowhowI’lleverrepayyouforbeinghereformeandVivi.Idon’tknowifIdeserveallthesupport,butI’vetakenitanyway.Andyouhaven’tbadgeredmeoraskedquestions.”
“That’snothowfamilyworks,Winter,”shewhisperstearfullyinmyear.“Plus,WillatoldmeshecaughtyousneakingintomyhospitalroomduringthoseyearswhileIwasasleeptoreadmychartandcheckonme.”
Isniff.“Willahassuchabigfuckingmouth.Butyeah,Ididthatallthetime.”ThenIpullbackandlookmysisterrightintheeye.“Iloveyou,Sum.”
Moretearsslidedownovertheapplesofhercheeks,andIpeerupattheceilinglikeIcanusegravitytomyadvantageandpushminebackin.
“Iloveyoutoo,Win.Youreallyshouldgetthiscryingthingcheckedoutthough.”
Alaughlurchesfrommychest,anditsqueezesthetearsfrommyeyes.“Fuckmylife.I’msosoftnow.Whathappenedtome?”
Summergiggles,andshe’sjoinedbyanotherchuckle.OneIknowwell.WhenIglanceback,Sloanehasemergedwearingleggingsandballetslippers.Ididn’trealizeshewashere,butIshouldhaveknown.SheandJaspermightliveattheirnewhouseontheranch,butshestillcomesintodanceinthebackstudio.Evenwhenshe’saround,sheandJasperareconstantlytakinglittlevacationsandroadtrips.IfeellikeIhardlyseeherthesedays.
“You’rehappy.”Shesmiles.“IsitTheo?Doeshemakeyouhappy?”
Summersmiles,stillholdingme.“Justdon’taskheraboutdreamTheo.He’stheworst.”
“I’mmelting.”Iwipemycheeks.“I’mlikeFrostytheSnowman.”
Summerpressesherheadbackdownonmyshoulder.“Thanksforvisiting.”
Thedoorjangles,andWillawalksin,fierymaneglowinginthemorningsunlight.“Whythefuckiseveryonecrying?Mondaysaren’tthatbad.”
“Sloane’snotcrying.”ButwhenIturntomyfriend,Inoticethereis,infact,atearrollingdownherface.“Jesus.Ithinkmydiseaseisinfectious.”Icontinuetoswipeatmyface.“Everyonestop.”
“Yeah,seriously.”Willalooksbetweenthethreeofus.“You’resupposedtomakegrownmencryatthisgym,nothavesomeweirdYayaSisterhoodcryfestatthefrontdoor.Andwhyisthereadogonthefrontdesk?”
LeaveittoWillatolightenthemoodwithouttrying.
“That’sTheo’sdog,Peter.”
ShestepsuptothedeskandscratchesPeterbehindtheears.Helickshislips,smallbellyallroundandfullwhenhesits.“LikePeterNorth?Nice.”
“Willa.Please.No.”Summerscrubsatherface.
“What?It’sjustthatwiththewayhe’ssitting,Icanseethatforhisbodysizehehasaprettybig—”
“Attitude,”Icutheroffandletoutawaterylaugh.“He’sgotabigattitude.”
Mysisterglancesupatme,stillpressedclose.“Thank.You.”
“Willa,whatareyoudoinghere?”Sloaneasks,tryingtoredirecttheconversation.
“Cadetoldmetotakethemorningtomyself.SohereIam,readytoworkout.”
“Workout?”Iarchabrow.
“Yeah,”Summersays.“Willahasdecidedshewantsmetotrainher.”
Willagesturesherchininmydirection.“Winter,youshouldjoinus.Summerisvicious.I’mreadyforhertohurtmeandcomeoutwithakillerbubblebutt.”
Ismilepolitely,butIdon’tknowifI’mreadytoaddthatdynamictoSummerandmeyet.I’mnotsureifit’swhatweneed.
Shemustagree,becausemysistersays,“Icouldsetyouupwithadifferenttrainer.Mightbegoodforyou.I’llwatchViviandgiveyouabreak.Ifyoudoitattheendoftheday,Icanputhertobed.”
Reliefwashesovermebecauseitdoesappeal.MaybeIcouldmakethetime.
“Thatmightbegood.IcouldaskTheotowatchVivitoo,”Isay,steppingawayfromSummertogiveheragratefulglance.She’sintuitive.Sheknows.
“WhereisVivi?”Sloaneasks,andIsigh,soundingabitlikealovesickteenager.
“She’swithTheo.Wetradedforthenight.Actually…”IpulloutmyphoneandholditupsotheycanseethephotoofTheoandViviinhercrib.
Thereisacommunalintakeofbreathbeforearesoundingchorusof“Aww.”
“Yeah,youshoulddefinitelybanghimagain,”Willasays.
Summerreachesformyfreehand,squeezingtightandstaringupatme,eventhoughIdon’tlookback.
DidseeingTheointhecribthismorningtakemeback?Yes.
Didmyconversationwithhimlastnightmakemewanttotalktoher?Yes.
DoTheoandVivimakemewanttobeabetterperson?Also,yes.
***
IswingbyLePamplemousse,myfavoritecoffeeshopinChestnutSprings,andgrabTheoacoffee.Afterdaysonendofhimbringingmecoffeewithasmileonhisface,Ishouldreturnthefavor.
ButwhenIwalkuptoourmatchingbungalows,aflurryofbutterflieseruptsinmystomach.Lastnightwekissed.Iyankedhimdownonme.Hegotaneyefulandwalkedaway.
ThisisfinePerfectlynormal.Irepeatpositivesentences.Imanifestthatshit.
“Theoisamatureman.Thisisfine.Wewillbefine.Itwasjustapussy.He’sseenlotsofpussies.”
Thelastpartdoesn’tactuallymakemefeelbetter,soIbitedownonmyinnercheektoshutmyselfup.PetertremblesundermyarmlikehethinksI’mfullofshit.
“Shutup,Peter,”ImumbleasIopenthegateintomyfrontyard.Fromhere,Icanhearmusiccomingfromthehouse.ThenearerIdraw,themorethesongtakesshape.“Mystify”byINXSblaresfrominside,andI’mprettysureIcanhearTheo’sdeepvoicesingingalong.
Withashakeofmyhead,IplacePeteronthegroundandunlockthefrontdoor.Istepinandstopinmytracks.
Theohasonthesameclothesheworelastnight.AsmilingViviisstrappedtohischestinthefloral-patternedTulababycarrierIbought.
He’ssingingtoourdaughter.Anddancing.Andcleaning
Onehandrubsthebackofherheadlikeshe’ssomesortofcrystalball,whiletheotherwipesatthewhitecabinetsinthecottage-stylekitchen.
ThehousesmellslikelemonLysol.He’scrackedthewindows,lettingthesummermorningbreezewaftthrough.I’vebeenoutsippingacoffeewhilereadingthenewspaperandthenvisitingmysisterandfriends.ApartofmefeelsguiltyIhaven’tbeenherehelping.
Vivistaresupathimlikehe’sthemostimpressivemanintheworld.Andfuck,shemightberight.
Butme?I’mjustslack-jawed.
Frozen.
ButPeterisn’t.
HetrotsrightintothekitchenandyapsatTheo’sfeet,surprisinghimrightashebeltsoutanother,“Mistifyyyyyy.”
Theospinstotakeusinashepullshisphoneoutofabackpockettodropthevolume.“Jesus,Peter.Warnaguy.”
“Whatareyoudoing?”MyvoiceisfulltothebrimwithdisbeliefasIlookaroundmysparklingcleanhouse.
Theorollshiseyesatme.“Cleaning.”
“Why?”
Hegrins,givesmeawink,andblessesthesideofmyasswithaplayfulslap.“Ijustfeltlikeit.Thatcoffeeforme,Tink?”
Iglancedownatthecupinmyhand.“Yeah.Ifiguredyou’dneeditafterlastnight.”I’macutelyawareofthewayhiseyesblatantlyrakeovermybody,trailingdownandbackup.
MycheeksheatasIwonderifhe’sthinkingabouthowIdon’tlooklikeIdidthelasttimehesawmenaked.Ipushthosethoughtsaway,becausenoneofthatmatters.Wearejust…notbusinesspartners,apparently.
Teammates?Co-parents?
Co-parentscouldwork.
“Here.”Ishovethecoffeeathim.Upclose,he’sevenhotter.Hisstubblehasgrownalittlelongerthantheperfectlygroomedshadowheusuallysports,butitsuitshim.Evenwithabitofdarknessunderhiseyes…he’sjustmoreruggedsomehow.Moremasculine.
It’sannoyingthatIlookliketrashwhenI’mtiredandhelookslikethis
Thefactthathe’sgotourchildstrappedtohischestenhancestheappealbyamillion.Butitdoesn’tmatterintheleastwhatTheolookslike.IcouldseehimcarryingVivi,singingasong,cleaningmygoddamnhouse,andIwouldn’tnoticehisphysicalityatall.
I’djustseeamansodeeplydependablethatI’dwanttoripmyclothesoffandsuckhisdickinthanks.It’sabiologicalloophole,Iswear.Becauseforthelifeofme,Ican’tholdagrudgeagainstTheowhenhe’sdonenothingbutshowupforme,nomatterhowmuchI’vesnarledathim.
Whenhetakesthecoffee,Itrytopullaway,buthishandistoobig.Toosure.Hisfingerswrapovermineandhegentlyguidesmeclosertothem.
“Vivi,lookhowsweetyourmomis,bringingmeacoffee.”
Iglancedownatherandasuddensurgeoflonginghitsme.Ihaven’tbeenawayfromherovernightbefore.AndsuddenlyIwantnothingmorethantopullheroutofthecarrierandnuzzleintoherneckwheretherearestilltracesofbabysmell.
Idropmyforeheadagainsthers.“Goodmorning,sweetbaby,”IsayasIpressakisstohersoft,pudgycheek.
WhenIglanceup,Theopointsatafamiliarstackofenvelopes.“Thosefromyourex?Iwasn’tsnooping.Ijustfoundthemunderneathapileofmagazines.”
Iswallow,decidinghowtoplaythisoff.Forsomereason,Idon’twantTheoandRobintersecting.Robisn’twelcomehere,sullyingthishappylittlebubble.
Lookingaroundmyhouse,Ican’thelpbutfeellikeTheohasalreadysteppedintoacolossalmess.Idon’tneedtoaddtothatburdenwithdramafrommyex
“Yeah.Don’tworryaboutit.Hekeepssendingbillsforthingslikeourweddingorhouse,asthoughIowehimsomethingwhenIdon’t.”Iswipeahandbetweenuslikeitdoesn’tbothermeatall.Butitdoes.RobdidthissamethingwithSummer.Hecouldneverlethergo.Herdisinterestbecamesomesortofslighttohim,andnowI’mgettingthesametreatment.
Themanwon’tgivemepeace,eventhoughIspecificallytooknothinginourdivorcetogetridofhim.Butitstillwasn’tenough.
“There’snopostageonthemthough.Ishedroppingthemoffhere?Isthatwhyyouhavethecamerasup?”
Itis,butnotbecauseIthinkhe’ddoanythingviolent.JustbecauseifIseehimatthedoor,Idon’twanttoanswer.
“Mama.”
Thatonewordinstantlychangesthesubject.
Ifreezeandstaredownatmydaughter,andthenIglanceupatTheo.“Didshejustsay…”
“Mama?”Theoquirksabrowatmeandslidesapalmdownthecenterofmyback,stoppingwhenhehitsthewaistlineofmyyogapants.Thenhe…leavesitthere.Hisbig,warmpalmatthesmallofmyback.Sure,andsteady,andsupportive.
“That’sherfirstword.”Istareatherinwonder.
“Ofcourseitis.Whatelsewoulditbe?Andshe’sbeensayingitallmorning.”HeturnshisgazebacktoVivi.“Haven’tyou,babygirl?Beentalkingaboutyourmamanonstop.Andwhocouldblameyou?Lookather.”Theybothturntheirbigbrowneyesonme,andsuddenlyI’mawareofhowclosewe’restanding.MyhandonVivi.Vivi’shandonTheo.Theo’shandonme.
Connected.
Wewillalwaysbeconnected.
“She’sbeautiful,isn’tshe?”Theocarrieson,blissfullyunawareoftheturmoilthismomentstirsinme.“Justlikeyou.Imaginehowbeautifulshe’lllookwhenshegetsbackfromgettinghernailsdone.”
“What?”MybrowsknitandmyheadflipstowardTheo.
Heremoveshishandfrommybacktocheckhiswatch.“Yeah.Ibookedyouamanicureforten.”
“Butyou’vebeenwithViviallnight.Allmorning.”
Heshrugs,agentlesmilestretchingoverhistoo-handsomefeatures.“Idon’tneedaspecialtrophyforparenting.Iloveit,Winter.Don’tworry.Goenjoyyourmanicurewhileyoucanstillgetone.”
Hishandreturnstomybackashenudgesmetowardthedoor.“ButI—”
“Nobuts.Yougo.I’llbehere.Igotthis.”
Iturnandgivehimasternstare,onefingerup.“I’llbebackbeforelunch.”
Hechucklesandwinks.“No,youwon’t.Ibookedyourmassagerightafterthemanicure.Sloaneismeetingyouthereandforlunch.Seeyoulater,Mama.”
Heleansforward,maneuveringaroundmyhandtodropalight,friendlykissrightbesidemymouth.I’mpushedoutthedoorbeforeIcanevenspeak.ThemusiccranksbackupbeforeI’veevenmovedoffthefrontstep.
***
Atthesalon,mynailsfinallyhavetheirday.IselectaprettyshadeofpinkandSloanepicksabrightpurple.Afterourmassages,wefillourfacesatourfavoritespotintown,chat,andlaughuntilourcheekshurt.Itistrulytheperfectgirls’dayout.
IfeelmoremyselfthanIhaveinmonths.IfeelmorerelaxedthanIhaveinyears.
AndwhenIgetbackthatafternoon—allpampered,andrested,andsane—Iwalkintoaspotlesshouse.Ahappylittlegirlplayswithwoodenblocksonthecarpet.Theobuildsthemup,andsheknocksthemdown,laughinghystericallywhileheactsoffendedthatshecoulddothattohim.Onthestove,adeliciousaromawaftsfromalargepot.Theocallsit“BrazilianStroganoff”andsaysit’ssomethinghisdadusedtomakeforhismom.
AndwhenIgotobedthatnight,thehingesonmydoordon’tsqueakatall.22Theo
Winter:I’mgoingtogoworkouttonight.SummerofferedtowatchVivi,butifyouaren’tworking,youcanhaveherinstead.
Theo:Unfortunately,I’mworkingtonight.Iclosethegym.Areyouworkingoutalone?Icouldhelpyou.
Winter:No,youdon’tneedtodothat.Summerbookedmeasessionwithanothertrainer.Max,Ithink?
Theo:Youcouldhaveaskedme.
Winter:Idon’twanttoworkoutwithyou.
Theo:Isitbecauseyou’regoingtoweartightpantsyouknowwillgivemeaboner?
Winter:Thisjobmustbehardonyouwithyouruncontrollableerections.
Theo:Thegymisfine.It’slivingnexttoyouthat’stheissue.
***
“No.”Winter’sarmscrossunderherbreasts,proppingthemupinthemostappealingway.
I’vespentthepasttwenty-fourhoursthinkingabouthernewpinknailsandhowgoodthey’dlookwrappedaroundmydick.Andnowshe’sgottacreateashelfunderhertitsandputthemonperfectdisplayforme.
I’mgoingtohavetodeep-cleanmyownhousetokeepmyhormonesincheck.MymomusedtobugmeandsaytheVirgoinmewouldstressclean.Ilaughedheroff,buttheolderIget,themoreIwonderifshewasontosomething.
IshornycleaningaVirgothing?Causethat’swhereI’matrightnow.Icouldcleanthiswholefuckinggymanditwouldn’tsateme.
“Yes,”IdeadpanbackatWinterwhileSummershiftsawkwardlyonthespot,Vivibabblinghappilyinherarms.
“IhadmysessionbookedwithsomeMaxguy.”
Igroanandrollmyeyes.Nochancethatwashappening.
Summershootsmealook,andIgivehermybestpuppydogeyes.“Somehow,theschedulegotchangedaround.It’llbefine.Theoknowsthisstuffinsideandout.”
“I’mnotpayingforhimtoworkoutwithme.He’snotevencertified.”
Istiflealaugh.Tinkismad.“Iam.Didthecourseduringmyoff-season.Butyoudon’thavetopay.I’lldoitforfree.”
Summer’seyesvolleybetweenus.Amusementandnerveswaronherfaceasshebouncesonthespot,clearlynotsurewhattodowithherself.“Theoinsistedthatitbehim—”
“Summer,”Icutheroff.“Youcango.I’lltalktoWinter.”
“Don’ttellherwhattodo.Thisishergym.I’mhersister.Andthisissupposedtobemyfreetime.”
“Okay!Onthatnote,ViviandIhaveadatewiththebathtubandherrubberduckies.”Summer’stoneisaltogethertoobright,smiletooforced.
Winterturnsonher.“You’retakinghisside?”
Summer’sheadtiltsandhereyesroamoverWinter’sface.“No,Win.I’mtakingyourside.Thiswillbegoodforyou.Gotakecareofyourself.I’vegotyourgirl.”
ShelooksatusbothwhenshesaysyourgirlandmakesashowofwavingatbothWinterandmebeforeturningaroundandleavingthegym.
“Idon’twanttoworkoutwithyou,”Winterannounceswithoutglancingmyway.
“Somethingelseyou’dratherdoinstead?”
Winter’seyesrollasifIexhausther,buthertonehasnomalicewhenshesays,“Ihateyou.”
Achucklerumblesfromthebackofmythroat,andaknowingsmiletouchesmylips.Shedidn’thatemewhenshetuggedmedownontopofher.“Haven’tyoufiguredoutthatdoesn’tdetermeatall?”
Shescoffs,turningawaytoscanthegymfloor.Variousmachinesandweightslitterthespaceinasortoforganizedchaos,butinatownthissize,it’squietatthistimeofnight.Thegroupclasseshavefilteredoutandonlyafewstragglersremain.
“Icouldtakeyoufortequilaagain.”
Hershouldersstiffen.“Yeah.Thatendedsowelllasttime.”
Istepclosertoher,admiringtheelegantcolumnofherneck.Shealwaysholdsherheadsohigh.Iadmirethatabouther.Noshame,liketheopinionsofthosearoundherdon’tmattertoher—eventhoughIknowtheydo.She’sstrong
“Ithinkitendedprettywell.”Itrailafingeruptheindentthatrunsthroughthecenterofherback,rightoverherspine.Sheshiversbutmakesnomovetopullaway.Ileanforwardandwhisperinherear.“Istillthinkaboutpressingyouupagainstthatwindow.ThewayyoutrembledwhenI—”
“That’snotwhatImeant.”Sheswallows,eyesfullofpride.Iseethetipofhertonguedartoutoverherlips.
“DidyoumeanVivi?BecauseIthoughtnothingwouldbesexierthanthatnight.UntilIsawyouwithher.”
Asmallwhimperescapesfromherlips,andshestepsaway.“Yeah,sure.UntilyoudecideyouwanttotrademeinandshackupwithsomebimbobucklebunnywithapornvoiceandgiveVivianewstepmom.”
“What?”Mybrowsknitasshefinallyturnstome,glancingaroundtoseeifanyoneiswatchingus.
Shesnorts.“Ihadadreamaboutit.Shewashot.Imean,goodforyou.Itjustmademerealizethingsmightgetcomplicated.I’llhavetoshareChristmasmorning—”
“Withmeandmybimbowife?”Irollmylipsintostiflealaugh.
“Yes!”Herhandsshootout,annoyancebillowingfromherinwaves.
“Canyougivemeademoofthispornvoice?”
Winterswapsherfacialexpression,battinghereyelashessofastitlookslikesomethingisstuckinhereye.“Oh,Theo,therearen’tanychairsleft.CanIrubmyassalloveryourlapforChristmas?”shemocks,andIdon’tbotherholdingbackthelaughteranymore.
“Isthatwhatshesaid?”
“Basically.Beforegrindingherselfalloveryou.”
“ThatsoundslikeaprettygreatChristmasgift.”
Herlipstwitch.Thisconversationisridiculous,andsheknowsit.“You’rethefuckingworst.”
“You’retheonewho’smadatmeforsomethingIdidinadream.”
“I’mnotmadatyou.”Herarmscross.“I’mmadatthefuture.”
“Don’tbe.Ipromiseyouthat’snotwhatthefutureholds.”
“Okay,I’mmadatyoufortorpedoingmytrainingsessionwithsomeonewhodoesn’tconstantlyhitonme.Whydidyoudothat?”
IshakemyheadasIbreezepasther,throughtheturnstileandontothegymfloor.Mightaswellbehonestwithher,sosheisn’tconfusedaboutwhatIwant.“BecauseI’mtheonlyonewho’sgoingtobeputtinghishandsonyouinthosetightfuckingpants,Tink.”
***
Winterislyingonabenchinfrontofalongbankofmirrors.Racksofdumbbellslinethelowerpartofthewallinfrontofher.Shehasherkneesbent,hersneakersrestingagainsttheendofthegraypleatherseat,andherpalmscoveringherforeheadasshestaresupattheceiling.
I’dworryIworkedhertoohard,butwekeptthingslight.Ishowedherthemachinesshecanuseinherfreetimetogetbackintothingsslowly.Itwasontheturffloorthateverythingwenttoshit.
Istartedherinplankpose,setasliderundereachfoot,andhadherusehercoretodragherfeettowardherself,pikingupintoaV-shape.Thenshe’dwalkherhandsbackoutandstartover.
Atfirst,sheseemedunsteadyandstruggledwiththeexercise.Butshewasn’taquitter,andIsupportedherwhereIcould.Ahandonherhip.Oneflatonherbarebackwherehertanktophadriddenup.
ItwaswhyIwentintothecomputersystemandchangedhersessiontobewithme.NotafuckingchancewouldIsitathomewhilesomeRoidMonkeyranhishandsalloverherundertheguiseofhelpingherworkout.
WhenItuggedthefabricbackdowntocoverher,shesnapped.Inaflash,shedroppedtoherkneesandrolledupintostanding.
“Yeah.Mycoresucksafterpregnancy.Noneedtorubitin.I’mdonenow.I’mgoingtogostretch.”
Andwiththat,shemarchedoffwithoutabackwardglance.Ifshe’dbotheredtolook,she’dhaveseenmestaringatherass.
Idecidednottopushherandstartedtidyingthegymforclosing.Puttingawaytheplatespeopleleftallovertheplace.Wipingdowntouchpoints.Biddingpatronsfarewellastheyheadoutthedoor.
Andthroughitall,Winterhaslaidthereontheweightbench,notmoving.Anddefinitelynotstretching.
Idecidetowaitheroutandletherhavewhatevermomentsheneeds.AsIslipbehindthefrontdeskandturnthemusicdown,thelastguyherewalksoutofthedressingroom.HisheadsnapsinWinter’sdirectionandhehesitatesbeforewalkingovertowhereshe’sstilllaidout.
Hehikeshisbaguponhismeatyshoulderandtipshisheaddownoverher.Idon’tlikethewayhe’sleeringather.AndIhatethewayhesays,“Hi,”withthatdorky,bashfulsmile,likehehasn’tbeeneyeingherupallnight.
“Youokay?”
“No,”Winterreplies,makingmystomachdrop.
Hecrouchesbesideherheadasifsheinvitedhimtotalktohersomemore.“Isawyouhereyesterday.”
MyfeetmovebeforeIrealizewhatI’mdoing.AllIknowisIdon’twanthimtoweringoverherwhileshe’slaidoutlikethat.Idon’twanthiseyesonherbody.Nottoday,notyesterday.Iwanthimout
“Thoughtthatsometimewecould—”
Winterdoesn’teventurnherheadtolookattheguy.“Goddamn,IwishIhadyourconfidence.Mylifewouldbesodifferent.”
Icometoascreechinghaltseveralfeetawayfromwherehismassivebackstretchesagainsthistanktop.
“Pardonme?”
“IjusttoldyouI’mnotokay,soyouaskmeout?IfIdidn’twantsodesperatelyforyoutoleavemealone,I’daskwhatleapoflogicbroughtyoutotheconclusionthatthiswasthewaytogo.”
Hepushestostand,earsalittlepink,likesheembarrassedhim.“I…Ijustthought—”
“Hey,pal.We’reclosed.Timetoheadout.”Maybehedeservesachancetodefendhimself.Wintercanbeharsh,butI’malsoirrationallyhappytowatchhimfail.
Hecan’thandleherclaws.
NotlikeIcan.
Histhickbrowspulltogetheroverhispronouncedforehead.“Ithinktheremightbesomethingwrongwithher.”HepointsatWinter,whostillhasn’tmoved,andtohiscredit,helooksconcerned.
“Yeah.”MylipstwitchasIstarepasthimatWinter,whoglaresatmeforagreeingwithhim.“Iknowthereis.That’swhatIlikeabouther.”
Hiseyesgowideasunderstandingbloomsonhisface.“Sorry,man.Seeyatomorrow.”
Igivehimanodandpropmyhandsonmyhips,eyeslatchedontoWinter.She’sintentionallyavoidingmygazenow.Icantellbythetensesetofherjawandtheveinthrobbinginherneck.
Whenthedoorslamsshut,Winterflinches,andIwatchasubtlepinkflushdustherhighcheekbones.
“Winter.Lookatme.”
“No,thankyou.”Herjawpops.Sostubborn.RemindsmeofgettingVivitosettledowntheothernight.Mustgetthatfromhermom.
“ShouldIturnthelightsoffandleaveyouhere?”
“Well,you’vegottheleavingmealonepartdownpat.Whystopnow?”
Withonlyacoupleofsteps,I’mbehindher,crouchingattheheadofthebench,onehandgentlycuppingherthroatasIstaredownatherface.“It’salmostlikeyou’veforgottenIlikewhenyouhissatme,Winter.”
Herwideblueeyessnaptomine.
“Tellmewhatyou’redoing.”
“Lyinghere.”Shefiresthewordsfrombetweenherlipslikeprojectiles.
“Why?”Myhandtightens,fingersgrippingherchintotipherheadbackandhaveherlookatme.
“Gravity.”
“Gravity?”
“BecauseifIsitupstraight,thetearswillfallout.AndIdon’tcry.”Inoticeitthen,thesheentohereyes,thewaytheyfillasIwatch.Mychestseizesatthesight.Herfaceisawindowintoallherfeelings.“I’mnotatmybestrightnow,Theo.I’minabadmood.I’mangry,anditdoesn’tevenmakesense.Youshouldleavemealone.”
“YouknowwhatIthink,Winter?”Mythumbstrokesoverherpulsepoint.
“No,butIbetyou’regoingtotellmeanyway.”
“Ithinkpeoplemistakeyoubeinginabadmoodwhenyou’rejustoverwhelmed.Ithinkyouneededtoliehereforafewminuteswithnooneneedingyou.Ithinkyou’reoverstimulatedandeventhebestofusrequiresometimetocollectourselves.”
Shenods,lipsrollingtogether,andonelonetearslipsdownhercheek,mythumbbrushingitawayalmostinstantly.
“Idon’t—”
“Iknow.”Inodsolemnly.“I’mprettysureit’saleakintheceiling.”
Shesnortsnow,headshakingasherhandscoverherface.“Whyareyousonicetome?”
“We’vebeenoverthis.It’sbecauseIlikeyou.”
“Thatwasayearandahalfago.”Herhandsdroptomyarm,butnottopushmeaway.Theyrestthere.
“Well,you’rehardtoforget.Andthethingis,Ilikeyouevenmorenow.”
“Isthatwhyyoukeepputtingmyclothesbackonme?”
Istill.“What?”
“Theothernightyoutookonelookatmeandpulledmynightgownbackdown.Todayyoucoveredmeupagain.Itfeelslikeyoudon’tlikewhatyousee.”
Withagrowl,Ipushheruptositting,swingalegoverthebenchandstraddletheseatbehindher.OnearmaroundherribstugsherstraightbackintomeandIseehershockedexpressioninthemirror’sreflection.
“Don’tlikewhatIsee?”Herbackispressedupagainstmychest,pulsevibratingthroughherbody.“Winter,youhavenofuckingideawhatIsee.NofuckingcluehowhardI’mtryingnottobeanotherpersonwhoneedssomethingfromyou.I’mprioritizingwhatlifehasthrownatusinthepastfewweeks.I’mtryingtogiveyouwhatyouneed.ButifyouthinkIdon’tlikewhatIsee,thenI’mnottheonewhoneedshisheadchecked.”Iswipeherponytailtothesideofherneckanddropakissonthetopofherslendershoulder.“Becauseyourwellbeinghasquicklybecomemynumberonepriority.”
“Why?”Herraggedbreathingechoesintheotherwisequietgym.
“BecauseIfuckingadoreyou.Haven’tyoubeenpayingattention?”
SheshiversandIwatchthefinehairsatthebackofherneckstandonendwhenIbreatheagainstherskin.
“Why?”
“WhydoIfuckingadoreyou?”
“Yeah.Andifyousayit’sbecausemybodyperformedmiraclesgrowingandbirthingababyorsomeshitlikethat,IswearIwillgetupandwalkoutofhere.”
Igrinattheimageofusinthemirror,herallfierceandflushedbutalsorelaxingbackintome.Asmallsignoftrustfromawomanwhodoesn’ttrusteasily.
OneIwon’tsquander.
Itrailafingerupthesideofherslenderneck.“Thislinerighthere.Youcarryyourselflikeroyalty.There’ssomethingaboutthiscurve,thelittlehairs.”Ipinchthehairsandgivethemagentletug,elicitingagaspfromher.“Sometimes,whenit’ssunnyinthemorning,thelightthroughthefrontlivingroomwindowcatchesalltheselittleflyawaysthatenduplookinglikeahalo.”
Shestaresatmeinthemirror.
“CanIkeeptouchingyou?”Irubmystubbleagainsthershoulderbeforedottingakissonthebumpwherehercollarboneattaches.
Shenodswhileswallowing.Herresponding,“Yes,”isawhisper.
“Ilikeyourcollarbones.”MylefthandgripsherhipwhilemyrightonedipsunderherarmandoverherchestsoIcantracethelineofbonesframingit.“Minewillalwayslookalittlecrookednow.Butifthat’sthepriceIhadtopaytogetyourattention…I’dbreaktheotheronemyself.”
“Weird.Butokay.”
Myhandshootsup,andIpressmypointerfingertoherplushmouthwhilegentlycuppingherjaw.“Iloveyourlips.Thissmartfuckingmouth.Ilikethevenomitspews.Iespeciallylikethewayitlookedwrappedaroundmycock.”
Shemoans.
“Youlikedthattoo,didn’tyou?”HerbodyclenchesandIsqueezeherthighbeforetrailingthetipsofmyfingersovertheinsideseamofherleggings.“Iknowyoudid.”
“I—”
Icoverhermouthwithmyfreehand.“Don’tbotherarguingwithme.Itmakesmehard,andI’mnotaboveflippingyouoverandfuckingyourighthereandnow.”Igrindintoherlowerback,mydickalreadystrainingatthefrontofmyshorts.
Iwatchhereyeschangeinthemirror.Insteadoftears,theyfillwithheat.Longing
Withonehandstilloverhermouth,Islidetheotherundertheloosetanktopshe’swearing.Shemakesnoefforttoescapemyhold.Hersportsbraistight,butitdoesn’tstopme.
“Iloveyourbreasts.”Ipalmoneandthentheotherbeforetweakinganipple.“Yournipplesgethardsoeasily.They’resosensitive.”Itweakagain,andhereyesdriftclosed.“Iknowthatwasteofspaceyoumarrieddidn’tknowhowtomakeyoucome.ButIdo.AndIbetIcandoitbyplayingwiththesealone.”
Herheadtipsbackontomyshoulder,herbackarchingasshepressesherbreastintomyhand.It’slikeIcanfeelhercomingbacktolife.Forme
Ireleasehernippleandslidemyhanddownherstomach,intoherstretchypants.Igostraightforhercore,runningmyfingerthroughhersoakedfleshbeforeshovingitin.Sheclampsdownonmydigitandtriestocryout,butthesoundismuffledbymypalm.
“Andthis.”Iworkitinandoutofheracoupleoftimes.“You.Ilovehowyoulookimpaledonmycock.Openyoureyes.Lookinthemirror.”
Iaddasecondfingerandplungeintoherwetheat,watchingherlashesflickeropentomeetmygaze.“Lookatus.HowcouldInotfuckingadorethis?Ilovethefaceyoumakewhenyoufallapartforme.AmIstilltheonlymanwho’sbeenabletofuckyouright,Winter?”
Herheadmovesinashallownoddingmotion,herlegsspreadingwidertograntmedeeperaccess.
“IbetIcouldmakeyoucomeonmyfingersjustdescribinghowbeautifulyouaretomerightnow.Howfuckingperfectyouare.”Iraspmystubbleagainsttheshellofherearanddropmyvoice.“Butthatwouldbeashamewhenyouhavesuchaprettypussyformetoeat,don’tyouthink?”
Shepants,herchestheavingandrosy.Andjustlikebefore,hericyexteriormeltsawayandleavesthiswoman.Thisconfident,amazingwoman,who’soccupiedmybrainandmybodyforwelloverayearnow.
Idropmyhandfromhermouth,andwestareateachotherinthemirrorforseveralbeats.Myeyesarenearlyblack,whilehersappearalmostlighter.Brighter.Morevibrant.
“Youdon’thavet—”
“You’restillnotlistening.”Istandandsteparoundthebench,comingtokneelatthefootwithaknowinggrin.Winterlooksflusteredassheglancesaround.“IlikeeverythingIsee.Iwantyou.”
Herthroatworks,andshedropsmygaze.Iknowthere’sacruelvoiceinsideher,fillingherheadwithshitthatisn’ttrue.“Whatifsomeonecomesin?”
“AslongasI’mtheonewithmyheadbetweenyourlegs,Idon’tcarewhowatches.”
Hermouthpopsopeninshock.“Idon’tknowwhatkindofweirdshityougetuptoonthecircuitbut—”
“Whatkindofweirdshit?”Iquirkabrowather.“Theonly‘weirdshit’I’vebeenuptoisabstainingfromtouchinganyoneatall.Andyousittinghereinthesetightfuckingclothes”—Ireachforthewaistbandofherpantsandtug—“givingmethosetorturedfuck-meeyesisshreddingmyself-control.Likeyou’rebeggingmetobeinsideyou.”
Herleggingsandunderwearhitthepointwhereshe’llneedtoliftherhipsformetopullthemdownanyfurther.ButWinter’sassstaysplantedonthebench,handsproppedbehindher.“Whatdoyoumean,abstainingfromtouchinganyoneatall?”
Cat’soutofthebag,Iguess.Mightaswellcomeclean.
“Imean,Icleanedupmyact.”
“Why?”
Ihuffoutabreathandholdhergaze,wantinghertoreallyhearthis.“BecauseIwantedtobethetypeofguywhocouldlandyouformorethanonenight.”
Hergazebouncesaroundmyface.“Youmeansomeonelikeme?”
“No,Winter.Imeanyou.That’swhyIgaveupmyoldphone.That’swhyIhaveyournumberonmynewone.Iintendedtocallyou.Youneededtimetorebuild,andIneededtimetogrowintosomeonewhodeservesyou.Iwasbidingmytime,beingpatient.”
Herbreathfallsfaster,stronger—choppier—assheregardsme.It’slikeIcanseethepiecesofthepuzzlesnappingintoplace,seehermindwhirring.WhichiswhyIreachforherhipsandhaulhertowardme,takingthewaistlineofherpantsasIgo.HerhandsfalltomyshoulderswhenIlookupatherandgrin,tuggingroughlyatthestretchypantsthatarenownothingmorethanflimsyfabricgettinginmyway.
“I’mdonebeingpatient,Tink.I’mcomingforwhatIwant.Rightnow.”23Winter
I’veoftenthoughtaboutthatnightwithTheo.Okay,I’veobsessedoverit.AndIwascertainIimaginedhowmuchheenjoyedgoingdownonme.Atfirst,Ifeltguilty.
“It’sokay,youdon’tneedto,”Isaid,whilegrabbingathishair,tryingtopullhimbackup.
Helaughed,adeeprumblethatIfeltagainstmycore.Eyessparking,hestaredupatmefrombetweenmylegs.“IknowIdon’tneedto,Tink.ButIreally,reallywantto.”
I’dneverfeltasnakedasIdidwithhiseyesfixedonthemostprivatepartofme.
Ihaven’tbeenwithmanymen.Iwastoobusywithschoolandthenwork.
AndIdefinitelyhaven’tbeenwithanymenwhoatemypussywithasmile.Whichiswhathedid.
Ihadmyfirstorgasmthatnight,withTheoSilva’smanicuredstubbleraspingagainstmyinnerthighs.Ishouldbesadittookmetwenty-eightyearstohavethatmoment,andyet,I’mnot.
Therewassomethingpoeticaboutit.Unforgettable.Andrightnow,I’mtakenbacktothatexactspotasTheoyanksmyleggingsfrommybodylikehecan’twaitanothersecond.
“Ijustworkedout,”IhuffoutbeforeIinternallyberatemyselffortryingtosabotagethismomentwhenIknowhowgooditfeels.HowbadlyIwantit.
Theo’sdeep,amusedchuckleiswhatIgetinreturn.Hespreadsmylegsandstaresdownatme.Thebrighthalogenlightsleavemenowheretohide.“Youbarelybrokeasweat.WhichmeansIdidn’tworkyouhardenough.ButIwillnow.”
Thepadsofhisfingerstrailovertheinsideofmythighs,leavinggoosefleshintheirwake.
“Someonecouldwalkin,”Isayagain.
Ihatemyself.Whycan’tIjustshutupandenjoygoodthings?
Henodsasheleansforwardanddragshistongueoverthelengthofmypussy.Adeep,satisfied,“Mmm,”crestshislips.“Ihopetheydo,Winter.IhopewehaveawholefuckingaudiencetowatchhowhardI’mgoingtomakeyoucome.”
MyheartbeatssofastIswearIcanfeelmysternumvibrating.Whydoesthatsoundsogood?Whyisthismansoferalinsomanyways?Andthensofuckingsweet?Ican’tkeepupwithit.
There’snothingpoliteorclinicalaboutthewayheliftsmylegsandpropsonefootoneachofhisshoulders.“TheonlywayI’mnoteatingthispussyisifyoutellmetostop,Winter.”
Istareathim.Pulsethrumming.Chestheaving.Lipsparted.
AndIdon’tsayasinglething.
Inod.
Andjustlikeallthosemonthsago,hegrinsagainstmycoreandthenlatchesonlikeheneedsmemorethantheairhebreathes.
Therearenotentativetonguestrokes,noholdingback.Hedevoursme,andtheedgesofmyvisiongoblurry.Myhandsreachabovemyhead,grippingthebenchtoholdmyselfback.
Theosuffersfromnosuchconcern.Hishandsroamallovermybody.Stroking.Squeezing.Hedoesn’tholdbackwithme.Doesn’ttreatmelikeI’mbreakable,orlikeIneedbreaking.
HetreatsmelikeI’mperfect.Irresistible.Worthy
Withonehandclampedaroundmyshakingthigh,hebringstheothertomycenterandguidestwofingersintomewithanachingslowness.Histonguemakesunhurriedswipesatmyclit,likehehasnowhereelsetobe.Likehismindisn’tinamillionotherplaces.
I’manticipatingtheslowstretch,thefullnessthatdrivesmewild.Thepatientkisseshepressestomythighs,tomystomach.
“Fuck,Theo.”
“Howdoesthatfeel,Winter?”
IrespondwithawhimperyhumasIdigmyfingersintothetackyseat.I’mholdingonfordearlife,likeI’montheprecipiceofsomethingthatterrifiesme.Mybrainistoofull,myhearttooconfused.Allthissensationmuddlesme.ItpullsmeapartuntilI’mjustapuddleforTheotoplaywith.
HisfingersdragoutandIcanfeelmywetnessashespreadsitovermylips.“Notgoodenough?”hemurmurs.“GuessIneedtostepupmygame.”
MybackarchesandIcryoutashepushesbackinwithathirdfinger,orafourth.Idon’tevenknow,andI’mnotabouttolook.AllIknowisitfeelslikealot.
“Howdoesitfeelnow?”
“Sofuckinggood.”Thewordsrushfrommylips.“Don’tstop.”
Ihearhispleasedgrowlbutkeepmyeyesfixedontheceilingbeamsandthehangingindustriallights.Makingeyecontactwithhimrightnowmightmakemecombust.
“HowcouldIstopwhenI’mlovingthewayyoulookwithmyfingersstuffedinsideyou?”
Heatscorchesmycheeks,andmyhipsbucktowardhim.Involuntarily.Oratleastthat’swhatItellmyself.
Mybrainhasleftthebuilding.It’sonlymybodynow.AndmybodywantsTheoSilva.Igiveinandletgoofthebench,reachingforhim.Myfingerstangleinhisthickhair.
Andjustlikebefore,mybodylightsupforhim.Igrindintohismouth,andhemeetsmythrustswithequalfervor.
Hespearsmewithhistongue,fucksmewithhisfingers,andtakestheoddbiteofmyoversensitivefleshanytimeIgetclosetotippingovertheedge.Mybodysoarswhenhetakesalong,firmpullonmyclitwhileshovinghisfingersintomeroughly.
“Theo.”Itughishair.“Theo,I’mgoingtocome.”
Hepullsbackforabeat,andIfinallymeethisdark,wildeyes,fulloflust.“Nah.Youdon’tcome,remember?”
Helookssosmug
“Keepgoing.”Iignorehisjab,whiningandtryingtopullhisfacedown.ActingasdesperateasIfeel.
“Admitit.”Hisfingersmoveagain.
Myheadlowersbackdownonthebench.“Admitwh-what?”Istutterwhenhecurlshisfingersinsidemeandhitsaspotthatmakesmeseestars.
“Thatyouonlycomeforme.Andthatyoufuckingloveit.Allthatsnarling.Allthatunaffectednail-gazing.Allthosescowls.Theyalldisappearwhenyouhavemyfacebetweenyourlegs.Icanfuckyouhappy,can’tI,Winter?”
“Ihateyou.”Iglareathim,butthere’snomalice.Howcantherebewhenhe’sright?
Hisfingerspushandtwistandmybodybowstowardhimlikethedeceitfullittlehussyitis.
“Admitit.ThenI’llletyoucome.TellmewhatIneedtohear.”
Whatheneedstohear?I’mpanting,bodypulledtight.I’mwounduptothepointwhereIcouldburst.
SoIadmitit,asmuchtohimastomyself.
“Theo,Ionlycomeforyouand—”
Hedoesn’tletmefinishbeforehe’sbacktodevouringme,andwithinseconds,Iburst.JustlikeIpredicted.
Ahotwaverollsthroughmybody,andIgivemyselfovertoit.Thrashingintheheat.Relishinginthefeelofamanwholikesmakingmecome,likeswatchingmefallapartforhim.
Hedoesn’tpushmetoofar.Hedoesn’tpullawaytoosoon.Heissodamngoodatthis.
Sodamngoodtome.
Idon’tjustcome.Icomeapart.IfeellikeIcouldbreakforever,overandoveragain,undertheworshippinghandsofTheoSilva.
Whichisaterrifyingprospect,becauseI’vebrokenbefore.
Andnoonehaseverhelpedmepickupthepieces.
***
Iexpectedmoreafterhewentdownonme.Buthepickedupmypantsandcarefullybunchedthemupovermyankleslikehewasdressingachild.Iwatchedhim,defthands,veinedforearms—onethatshouldprobablystillbeinasling—andalookofsatisfiedconcentrationonhisface.
“Don’tyouwantmeto…”Itrailoff,rollingmywristtoexplainmytrainofthoughtandrealizingIfeelalittleshy.Alittlelostforwords.Alittleoutofmyelement.
Whathedid?Thethingshesaid?Theyshouldn’thavefeltsomomentous,buttheydid.Anditterrifiedme.Heisn’tjustsomehotone-nightstandanymore.He’sthefatherofourlittlegirl.I’llbeconnectedtohimfortherestofmylife,whetherornotIwanttobe.
Whetherornothewantsme.
Thiscouldbeeverything.Oritcouldbethebiggestdisasterofmylife.
Sowhenhesmirks,rakeshiseyesovermeasIfixmyfucked-upponytail,andsays,“Nah.I’mgood,”mymindgoescrazy.
Hegripsmychinandpressesahardkisstomymouthbeforeturningawaytofinishclosingthegym.Itastemyself,butallIcanfocusonarethosetwowordsechoinginmyhead.
I’mgood
Asin,itsatisfiedhimtoo?
OrlikeEw,nothanks?
Hespentcountlessminutesdivulgingallthethingshelikesaboutme.Itseemsunlikelyhewouldn’twanttodomore.Andyet,that’swheremybrainistrainedtogo.
Mydadchosesomeoneelse.
Myhusbandchosesomeoneelse.Hechosemysister.
AndIdon’tresentherforit.Iresentmyself,becausewhatisitaboutmethatissoprofoundlyunlovable?IfeellikeI’monaconstantmissiontofigurethatonethingout.I’mnotoffendedbyit.IjustneedtoknowwhatitissoIcanfixit.
“Ready?”Theo’svoicestartlesme.MyheadsnapsuptohimfromwhereIsitonthebench,lostinthought.Hiseyeslickupanddownovermeandmytraitorbodyshiversinresponse.
Iofferbackanod,whichmakestheannoyingdimplepopuponTheo’scheek.He’sbitingbackthesmirk,buthestillwinks.
Mystomachflips.Everytimehedoesthat,IrememberhimpumpinggasthenightImethim.Hewashotthen,butwithanothercoupleofyearsonhim,he’schangedagain.Attwenty-eighthe’smoremanthanboy.Hisshouldersseemwider.He’smoreangular,morechiseled,more…overwhelming.Andhe’sgotamaturityabouthim,awisestreakIfindcomforting.He’splayfulbutnotflighty.Funbutdependable.
IfIhadtofuckastrangerandgetknockedup,Ipickedagoodone.Ifnothingelse,Viviennewillhaveagreatdadinherlife.
“DidIkillsomebraincells,DoctorHamilton?”
IrealizeI’mjuststandinginthenowdarkenedgym,staringatTheolikeit’smydefaultmode.
Theoreachesformyhand,andItakeit.Mybodymovestowardhimwithoutmeeventhinkingaboutit.WithoutmeevenadmittingIwantto.
Hiswarmpalmiscalloused,proofoftheyearsspenthangingontoabullropeeveryweekendandliftingweightsduringtheweek.Histhumbgrazesthetopofmyhandashesetsthealarmsystemandleadsmeintothewarmsummernight.
Withonlythecrunchingofourfeetontheloosegravelinthebacklane,IfinallysaywhatI’vebeenthinking.“IfeellikeIoweyou.”
“Owemewhat?”Hisvoiceissmoothandvelvetytonight,anditbrushesupagainstmyskin.Itsoothesme.
“Sex,orsomething.”
“Orsomething?Nowthatparthasmeinterested.Whatisthe‘orsomething’?”Hecracksthejoke,notrealizingthewaymymindcantakeit,spinit,andtwistintosomethinghenevermeantforittobe.Likehewouldn’twantthesex.
“Funny.”Iglancedownatourhandsashetakeshisfingersandthreadsthemthroughmine.
“Hey.”Histoneislessplayfulnow,andIcan’tmeethiseyes.“Don’tdropyourheadlikethat.Stopthinkingwhateveryou’rethinking,becauseIguaranteeit’swrong.”
Hestops,tuggingmetofacehim,andliftsmychinwithabentknuckle.“Winter.”
Inkyeyesandhair,goldenskin;thedarknessofthenightgiveshimanedge.
Ilickmylips.“Theo.”
“Yeah,Tink?”
“Idon’tunderstandwhat’shappeninghere.Thethingsyousay.Thethingsyoudo.Everythingthat’shappened.Itdoesn’tmakesense.Ican’tfigureitout.”
Hetiltshishead,asifhe’stryingtofiguremeoutfromadifferentperspective.“What’shappeningisMissIndependentmetthetreat-her-like-a-princessguy,andshe’sfreakingout.”
Irollmyeyes.“That’sridiculous.”
“Youonlythinkyouowemesomethingbecauseyou’vespenttoolongdatingassholeswhoareterriblelays.Justsitbackandenjoytheride.Stopoverthinkingit.Plus,myfaceistheride.”HislipstwitchandImirrorthemotion.
“You’reinsane.”Ipullaway,tryingtohidemylaughter.ButIdon’tletgoofhishandasweroundtheendoftheblock,headingbacktowardourrespectivehouses.
“Butit’saniceface,isn’tit?Ifyouhadtorideone?”
Laughterbubblesupinme.Itfillsmychestandclogsmythroat.ItburstsfrommelikeasongIcan’tresistsinging.Itsoundsforeigntome,lightandmusical.
God.AmIgiggling?
Hisfingerspulseinmine,andthenhetugsmebackandkissesme.Hismouthslantsovermineandheswallowsmylaughterlikehewantstokeepitforhimself.
Hecreatedit,soIsupposeit’sonlyfairIgiveitbacktohim.Ourfingersstaylinkedandhisoppositehanddustsovermyjawwithalighttremor.
Softlips.Softhair.Softsighs.It’snotalongkiss,butit’saheart-rendingone.Natural,asthoughhecouldn’thelphimself.
Andnotforthefirsttimetonight,Ifeelwanted
Whenhepullsaway,Ileavemyeyesshutforamoment,lettingthisfeelingwarmme.Becauseit’sfleetingandIwanttorememberit.
Myeyesarestillclosedwhenheleansinandsays,“Nexttime,youridemyface.You’regoingtoaskforit.Begforit.Workforiteven.Youwilltellmeexactlywhatyouwant,andIwillgiveittoyou.Butthisisn’thappeningagainuntilthattime.Untilyouknowwhatyouwant.BecauseIwantyou,Winter.Andnotjustforonenight.”
Withthat,hetakesmybreathandpullsmealongwithhimdownthequiet,tree-linedstreet.MybraingoesfromfreakingoutaboutTheotofreakingoutaboutthewomansittingonhisfrontstep.
IknowIshouldn’t.
HesaysI’vebeenpartofhisplan.ButI’mterrifiedtobelieveit.24Theo
Theo:Ineedtoaskyouafavor.
Summer:Sure!
Theo:Butyoucan’taskquestions.
Summer:Suspicious.Butokay.
Theo:Ineedtodeletesomeofyoursecuritycamfootageatthegym.Canyoushowmehow?
Summer:Uhhhh.Okay.CanIdoitforyou?
Theo:No.
Summer:Wasacrimecommitted?
Theo:No.
Summer:DoIevenwanttoknow?
Theo:Isaidnoquestionsandsofar,you’veaskedthree.
***
Wintergoesfromsoftandgiddytoalllockedup.WhenIglancedown,Iseehertightjawandnarrowedeyes.Ifollowhergazetoawomansittingonmyfrontstep,scrollingthroughherphone.
AwomanI’dknowanywhere.
“Mom?Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Winterjolts,yankingherhandfromminelikewe’retwoteenagerscaughtdoingsomethingweshouldn’t,ratherthantwoadultswhoshareachild.
Icouldletherrebuffsting,butIdon’t.She’snotaccustomedtoawarmwelcomefrompeoplewhoonlyknowstoriesabouther.
Basedonwhathappenedtonight,she’snotaccustomedtopeoplesimplylikingherforthewomansheis.Thatmakesmewanttoburntheworlddownaroundustorightthewrongspeoplehavelaidatherfeetovertheyears.
Insteadofarson,I’msettlingforshowingherhowgooditcouldbe.Showingherwhatshedeserves.
“Cametovisityou.ToldyouIwasgoingtocomeearly.”
“Right,butyoudidn’tsaytoday.Orgivemeanyspecificdayatall.”Droppinginunannouncedisnotoutofthenormformymom.Ifherschedulechanges,she’llrandomlyshowupataneventofmine,screaminglouderthananyoneelseinthestands.
“Ireservetherighttobeoverbearing.You’remyonlyboy.”
“DoyoudothistoJulia?”
“No.Butherlifeisn’tnearlyasinteresting.Shewon’teventellmeaboutwhoevershemetonthecruise.ButIknowshedidbecauseIcaughthersneakinginandoutatnight.”Mymomwinksatme,cheeksroundingoutintofullcircleswithherclosed-mouthsmile.
“IsthathowIgetridofyou,then?Bynottellingyouanything?”I’mjoking,andwebothknowit.That’swhyshelaughsandglancesaround.
“Atfirst,itpissedmeoffIcouldn’tfindasparekeysomewhereobvious.Youknow,underyourdoormatlikeanormalperson.ButthenIdecidedIraisedyousmarterthanIthoughtbecauseIhavelookedforakeyeverywhereandcouldn’tfindone.”
IgivemymomasheepishgrinasIplantahandonWinter’sbacktoguideherstunnedformthroughthefrontgateandupthesidewalk.
“Well,Ma,thetruthis,Idon’thaveasparekeyhiddenanywhereatall.”
Herheadtipsbackagainstthesidingofthehouse,inkyblackhairfallingbehindher.“Yep.Iraisedyoustupid.”
“Itmightbehereditary.”Istepuptomymomwithagrinandtakeherhandinmine,pullinghertostanding.
“Thatsmartmouth.”Shegripsmychinandsqueezesmyfacehardenoughtomakemylipspucker,thenshiftsherheadtoaddressWinter.“Doeshegiveyouthiskindofattitudetoo?He’salwaysbeenwildandunruly,butit’shardtofaultthatheartofgold.”
Wintersaysnothingasmymompullsmeinforahug.“Mysweet,sweetboy.Imissedyou.”
“Isthatwhatalltheinsultsmean?Thatyoumissedme?”
Overmyshoulder,sheaddressesWinteragain.“He’sneedytoo.Requiresalotofhairpetting.IthinkItoldhimhewashandsometoomuchasachild.”
Asoftsnortsoundsfrombehindme.“Hedidjustfinishtellingmewhatanicefacehehas.”
“Okay,wow.”IpullawayfrommymomandstepbacktogiveherandWinteraclearviewofeachother.“Ihaven’tevenintroducedyouandyou’realreadymockingme.”
“YoumustbeWinter.I’veheardsomuchaboutyou.”Mymomstepsforward,smilingwithcrinklesaroundhereyes—theonlytellforherage.Shesaysshesmilessomuchthere’snogettingaroundthem,soshe’sembracingthem.“Ilikeyoualready.”
Winterblinksatmymom’sincrediblytimelycomment.“Likewise.It’snicetomeetyou.”
Shesticksherhandouttoshake,butmymomwavesheroff.“We’renotbusinesspartners,andI’mahugger.”
Momwrapsherselfaroundastunned-lookingWinter,whosearmshanglimpathersides.Ican’tkeepmylipsfromtwitching.Businesspartners.Thatfuckingphrasewillhaunther.
Likealways,Winter’seyesfindmine.Iwidenmineasiftosaydon’tbeadicktomymom,hugherback!
Igetaneyeroll,butshehasasmallsmirkonherfacewhensheliftsherarmsandhugsmymomback.Thesighthitsmeinthechest.ItmakesmewonderhowmanyhugsWinterhasgottenovertheyears—asachild.EvenonthedaysmymomthoughtIwasanidiot,shehuggedme.
Winterbarelymentionshermom.Iknowtherelationshipisfraught.Withherdadtoo.Andlikealightningstriketograss,Iimmediatelyandirrationallyhatethemboth.
MymomisherewithinweeksoffindingoutaboutVivi,andshelivesaprovinceaway.Winter’sparentslivealittleoveranhourawayandI’venotseenhidenorhairofthem.
I’vebeensofixatedonjumpingintothiswholescenariothatIhaven’ttakenastepbacktoseethefullpicturebeyondWinter,Vivi,andme.
Idon’tlikewhatIsee.Itmakesmefeelprotectiveinanewway.Mypalmsitchwiththeurgetomakethisbetterforher.Tomakesomeonepayforthewaythey’vetreatedher.
Winter’sheadtiltsasshepullsawayfrommymom,likeshecanseetheinternalstruggleplayingoutonmyface.
“Well,Theotoldmeyouwereasmartandamazingmom.”
Mymom’shandsstayonWinter’sshouldersasshestepsbacktoappraiseher.“Buthefailedtomentionjusthowthoroughlyheoverachievedwithyou.”
“Jesus.Mom,stop.”Iscrubatmychinandshakemyhead.Thisissoonbrandforher.Shelivestoribme.
“Iwasdrunk,”Winterdeadpans.Theonlygiveawaythatshe’sjokingisthetwinkleinhereye.“Helookedbetterwithmytequilagoggleson.”
Isputteroutalaugh.Ifitmeanswatchingherbethiscomfortablewithmymom,Idon’tmindgettingdragged.I’veseenthewaysheeye-fucksthehelloutofmewithnotasingledropoftequilainhersystem.
Iknowshewantsme.I’mjustwaitingforhertostopfreakingoutandrealizeit.
“Youweren’tsodrunkthatyoudidn’twriteoutacontractonacoaster.”
Twocanplaythisgame,Tink.
Aslygrinspreadsacrossherfulllips.Forabeat,IdreamaboutthempartingasIfitmyselfinsideher.Everytimeshemovesthem,eventosnarlatme,allIcanthinkaboutisfuckingher.
“Proveit.”Herarmscross.
Mymomstepsback,headswivelingbetweenusaswevolleybackandforth.
Shelookspleased.
Ishrug.“Okay,Iwill.Mom,let’sgetyousettledinhere.YoucanmeetViviinthemorning.”Istrideupthestairs,unlockthefrontdoor,androllhersuitcaseintotheentryway.BecauseIknowmymom,andshe’snotabovebargingoverthererightnowtolayeyesonhergranddaughter.I’msettingboundariesbeforeshethinksshehasfreerein.
“Winter,I’msoexcitedtogettoknowyoubetter.Ifyouneedanything,justask.I’mhappytohelp.I’vedonethisgigtwicemyself,andwhiletheendproductmightnotbeperfect,itcouldbeworse.Itakethatasawin.”
Winter’sbigblueeyesstaylaser-focusedonmymom.IfIdidn’tknowbetter,I’dsaythere’saflashofconfusionthere.“It’snicetomeetyoutoo,Loretta.ThoughIhavetodisagree.Yourendproductisprettydamngreat.”Hereyesslideovertomine.“Obnoxiouslygentlemanlikeinmyexperience.”
MymotherhumsandgivesWinteranappreciativeglance.“Goodnight,kids,”shesaysassheturnsanddisappearsintothehouse.
IpointatWinter.“You.Wait.”
“I’mnotPeter.”Shegivesmeasnarkyquirkofherbrow.
Ichuckle.“Actually,youare.Neitherofyoulistenstomeandyoubothgivemedirtylooks.”IswearIhearasmalllaughfromherasIturnandstepintothehouse.AfterIdirectmymomtotheguestroom,Igrabmyshoulderbagandreachintothesmall,zippedpocket.MyfingertipsbrushupagainstthesoftcardboardandIturnbacktotheentryway.
WhenIhitthefrontporch,Winterisstandingatthebottomofthestairs,staringathernails.Thatcotton-candycolorgiveshersomethingtoadmirewhenshepullsthismove,atleast.It’shersignatureI’mpretendingtobeboredmove.
It’sadefensemechanismforwhenshefeelsvulnerable.AndifI’velearnedanythingaboutWinteroverthepastseveralweeks,it’sthatshehatesfeelingvulnerable.Soit’sbecometheultimateprizeforme.
Idon’twanttochangewhosheis.Iwanttoearnthatsideofher.
“Yourmomseemsnice.”Shedoesn’tglanceup.
“Doesshe?”Itease.“Ifeellikehangingoutaroundyoutwowillbesigninguptoattendmyownpersonalroast.”
Herbodyheaveswithalaugh,andshegrinsathernails.
“Areyouthinkingabouthowgoodyourpinknailswilllookwrappedaroundmycock?Becausethat’swhatIkeepthinkingaboutwhenIseethem.”
Nowhereyesdartuptomine.“Seriously?”
“Yeah.YoujustneedmatchinglipsticksoIcanimaginehowyourlipswilllook—”
Sherushesforward,pressingafingertomylipstostopme.Hereyescatchthere,flaringslightly.Winterhasn’tinitiatedanyphysicalcontactbetweenus,andIwonderifshe’srealizingthatnow.
Thatshereachedformesoeasily.
Herfingermoves,butnotaway.Instead,therestofthemjointostrokegentlyovermystubble.Shenevermeetsmygaze,justwatchesherfingertipstrailoverme.Theshellofmyear.Thelineofmyjawbone.OvermyAdam’sapple.
There’sareverenceinthewayshetouchesme,andI’mnotashamedtoadmitIsavorit.Thehaironmyarmsstandsonend.Myheartrailsagainstmyribs,reachingforher.
Shehasthemostconfusingandconsumingeffectonme.
Hereyesdroptothefrontofmyshorts.Thestretchymaterialdoesnothingtohidethewaymycockbulgeswhenshetouchesme.
“Doyouthinkaboutmewhenyoujerkoff?”
Comingfromher,thequestioncatchesmeoffguard.She’srarelythisdirect,usuallyoptingforamorediscreetdelivery.
Itakeherhand,pullingherfingersawayfromwheretheyfiddlewiththeVatthefrontofmyT-shirt.Pressingakisstothecenterofherpalm,Iadmit,“Ithinkaboutyouallthetime.”Herbreathinggrowsheavierwhenmytonguedartsoutoverherskin.Ipullawayandlookherintheeye.“ButespeciallywhenIjerkoff.”
Shelaughsinresponse,butit’sbreathy.
Iliftmyoppositehandandpressthecoasterfromsomanymonthsagointoherpalm.
Whensheseesit,herbodystiffens.“Isthat…”
IgiveheracasualsmileasIleaninclosetowhisperinherear.“ItoldyouI’dbebacktobegforanothershot.”
ThenIkisshercheek,doingthatlittletonguethingshelikessomuch.Sheturnsandnuzzlesintome.
So,Ihugher.
HerarmsfoldinfrontofherchestasIpressherintome,thecoasterwithourcontractcrushedbetweenus.
AndIjustholdher.
Awomanwhoneedstobeheldsodamnbadly.AndI’mtheluckyonewhogetstodoit.
Shefitsherfacerightovertheindentatthebaseofmythroatandpressesasoftkissthere.
“Goodnight,Theo.”
Shedoesn’tsayanythingelse,andasmuchasIwanttogetintoherheadandsortthroughallthethoughtsrunningrampantinthere,I’mhappywithahugandagoodnight.
“Goodnight,Winter.”
Herlipstipupassheturnsaway,avoidingmygaze.Likeourinteractionmakesherbashful.Likewe’retwogiddyteenagerssayinggoodnightafterafirstdate.
Beinglovedisuncomfortableforher.God,Iwanttochangethat,butshe’llbetheonetotellmewhenthetimeisright.Ihaveitinmyheadthatafterspendingherlifebehavinginawaythatsuitseveryonearoundher,shemightneedaminutetofigureoutwhatsuitsher
Shewalksaway,andIresisttheurgetofollowher.Hersneakeredfeetpadquietlydownmywalkway,acrossthefrontsidewalk,andupherownwalkway.Istepontotheporchsoshecan’tseemewatching.
Hereyesstayonhertoesassheapproachesherhouse.Butshedoesn’tgoinside.
Shetakesaseatonthefrontstepandliftsthecoaster,staringatit.Herfingerstraceoverit,muchliketheytrailedovermyfacemomentsago.
Herfeaturesaresoft,andshelooksyoungerinthismoment.Hereyesaren’tpinched,herlipsaren’tinapout.Thisishowshelookswhenshe’swithVivi.
Happy.
Afteracoupleofminutes,sherisesandstepsintoherhouse.Warmlightspillsontotheporchforamoment,andtheinaudiblemurmursofherandSummertalkingfilterintothenight.Throughthefrontwindow,Iseethemhug.
Threehugsinonenight.Notbad.
Iwalkintomyhousewithagoofysmileonmyface.Mymomcatchesitfromwhereshe’ssittingonthecouchwithanepisodeofGrey’sAnatomyqueuedupandreadytogo.
“Youdoknowyou’reinlovewiththatgirl,don’tyou?”
Iflopdownbesideherandslinganarmoverhershoulder,readytogetlostintheverybestmedicaldramawhilesittingbesideoneofmyfavoritewomenintheworld.
“Yeah,Mom.Iknow.”25Winter
Theo:WhatifIstayedhereasmyhomebase?
Winter:InChestnutSprings?
Theo:Yeah.
Winter:Inyourhouse?
Theo:Icouldpitchatentinyourbackyardifyouprefer.Inviteyouoverforacampfireandtequila.??
Winter:Notideal.Someoneshittycouldmoveinnextdoor.Icouldendupwithanevenworseneighborthanyou.
Theo:Andwhoknowsifhe’dmowyourlawnforyouthewayIdo.Pretendingtogardenwouldbeboringandpointlesswithoutmetowatch.
Winter:Idonotwatchyou.
Theo:YouonlyevergardenwhenI’mmowingthelawn.
Winter:Howdoyouknow?
Theo:BecauseI’mwatchingyouback.
***
AloudsquealpiercesmyearsasPeterslidesacrossthehardwoodfloorlikehe’sTomCruiseinRiskyBusiness.Vivihasanalarminglystrongarmonher.Fromherspotonthefloor,shewailsontherubberchicken,whippingitacrossthelivingroomwhilePetergiveschase.
Whenherushesbackanddropsthesqueakytoyatherfeet,sheslapsherchubbyhandstogetherandlaughs.Peter’stonguelollsoutthesideofhismouthfromwherehe’shadteethremoved.He’ssoexcitedhiseyesseemreadytorollrightoutofhishead.
“Hereallyishorrificifyoulookathimfortoolong,”Lorettamurmurs,beforetakingasipofcoffee.“TheofoundhimonthestreetwhileonvacationinMexico.Fedhimsometacomeat,andtherestishistory.Refusedtoleavethecountrywithouthim.Rescheduledhisflightandeverything.”
Isnort.Themanhasathingforstrays.
Frommysittingpositiononthefloorofthelivingroom,IwatchTheowalkacrosstheroominawaythatshouldbeillegal.He’swearinglight-washjeansandawhiteT-shirtwhilecarryingaplateofoatmealcookies.Oneshebakedfresh—becauseofcoursehedid.
Hisoutfitcouldn’tbeplainer,butIcan’ttakemyeyesoffhim.I’mtakenbacktothedaysheshowsuptomowmylawn,withoutashirt.Whilehetauntsmewithhismuscles,Ipretendtogardenandcreeponhimfrombehindmysunglasses.
It’sbeenaweeksincehelaidmeoutonthegymbenchandmadeamealofme.I’veworkedoutalonesinceourescapade,buthealwaysswingsbyattheendwhenI’mstretching.
Hecrouchesbesidemeandwhispers,“Excuseme,ma’am.Didyousanitizethatbenchrightthere?”whilepointingatTheBench
Iscowl.
Hewinks.
Andwepartways.
We’vefallenintoarhythm,eventhoughwehaven’texpandeduponthatnightatall.There’salotgoingon.Hismomishere.He’sworkingatthegymwhileherehabs.I’mbarrelingtowardmylittlesister’swedding,whereI’mnotabridesmaid.I’mafuckingmaidofhonor.
AroleIkeeptryingtogivetoWilla,butthatbitchonlylaughsatme.
So,TheoandIcontinuetocircleeachother.We’vedevelopedasortofkinship.Myplace,hisplace.Wegobetweenthem,andsodoesVivi.Sodoeshismom,who’stakenituponherselftobethewarmest,mosthelpfulhumanI’veevermet.Theodefinitelyinheritedhisinfalliblebrandofkindness—theeasysmileandgentletouches—fromher.
SowhydoIholdback?
It’sbecausehetoldmetherehasn’tbeenanyoneelsesincethatnight.It’sthatfuckingcoastertuckedinmybedsidetable.Sometimes,Ipullitoutjusttostareatit.
It’sphysicalproofhelikedmeeventhen.Proofthatheisn’tfullofshit,likeeveryothermaninmylife.Thathe’sthoughtofmesincethatnight.ThatViviandIaren’ttheburdeninhislifeIseemtothinkweare.
Whoknewashitty,stainedcoasterwithbothourscrawlingsignaturesscribbledacrossitcouldupendmycarefullycuratedboundariessothoroughly?
I’mnotsurehowtoactaroundhimanymore.
Iwanthimalmostobsessively.Thingsaresogoodbetweenusrightnow,butI’mterrifiedofitallblowingupinmyface.I’vebeenthepawnbetweentwoparentswhohateeachother,andsubjectingmydaughtertothesamecomplicationskeepsmeupatnight.
Regardless,Ican’tkeepmyeyesfromdriftingtohim.Mybodyfromdrawingclosertohim.MyhandfromtrailingbetweenmylegsinthebathwhileIthinkabouthim.Myfeelingsforhimhavebecomemorethanlust.
VivichucksthechickenagainandPeterscuttlesacrossthefloorlikeageriatriccannon,narrowlyavoidingthewall—andTheo’sfeet.Whenhegetsthetoy,hedoeshisbestimitationofalionkillingagazelle.Eyeswild,headwhippingitfromsidetoside.VivisquealswithjoybecausethisisherandPeter’snewfavoritegame.
“Peter,pullyourselftogetherandbringthatback.”Iusemythis-ER-is-going-to-shitvoice,drawingPeter’sattentionforamoment.Withascowlatme,hebegrudginglybringsthetoybackandspitsitoutinfrontofVivi.
“Thatdogisn’tdeaf,Theo.Hejustdoesn’tlistentoyou,”IsayasTheoplacestheplateofcookiesonthecoffeetableinfrontofmewithagentlesqueezetomyshoulder.
“Howdoyouknow?”herepliesashetakesonecookieovertohismom,whoisrelaxinginthearmchair.
“Becausehelistenstome.AndI’madoctor.”Hegrabsacookieandhandsittome,beforetakingoneforhimselfandsittingonthecouchdirectlybehindme.Icanfeeloneofhisbarefeetagainstthesideofmyass.
Iblush.
He’ssittingsoclose,andhismomisrightthere.Plus,heatemeoutandwehaven’teventalkedaboutit.
Ifeellikeafuckingteenageraroundhim.
“Butareyouavet?”hesaysfrombehindmeashechews.
“No,but—”
“Okay.I’lltrustavetonthisthen.”
“Hasavetconfirmedthathe’sdeaf?”
“No.”
“So,youronlyproofisthathedoesn’tlistentoyou?”
“Exactly.Justlikeyou.”
“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
HiskneenudgesplayfullyatmybackasViviturnsandcrawlstowardhergrandmotherwithbig,sparklybrowneyes.
Herdad’seyes.
“ThatIneedtotakeyoubothtothevet.”
It’sLorettawhosnortsthistimeasshereachesforVivi,grinningwideasshepullsherinforsnuggles.“Maybeyoujustdon’thaveanythinginterestingtosayandthat’swhytheydon’tlistentoyou.Didyoueverthinkaboutthat,TheoDaleSilva?”
MyheadsnapsaroundtofaceTheoandImouth,“Dale?”
He’sgotasupersexynameandthen…Dale?
Hekneesmeagain,butthistime,hereachesundermyhairandgivesthenapeofmyneckafirmsqueezethathasmyentirebodyclenching.Hisheaddropsnexttomine,andhisstubblescrapesagainsttheshellofmyearashewhispers,“Stopbeingsomeantome.Itgetsmehardwhenyou’remouthy.MakesmethinkofallthefunwaysIcouldputthatmouthtoworkinstead.AndIdon’tneedabonerrightnow.”
Mycheeksflameagainashereleasesmeandloungesbackonthecouchlikenothingatalljusttranspiredbetweenus.
PerhapsIshouldmoveawayfromhimafterthattoe-curlingwarring,butmybodyfollowshiminstead.Ileanbackagainsthislegsandrevelinhisheatandsturdiness.
HeandhismomstarttalkingaboutGrey’sAnatomy,andeventhoughIcouldjoinin,mybrainisstuckonhowgooditfeelstoleanonsomeone.Totrustsomeone.
AndIrealizeitthen.
TheoDaleSilvahaswormedhiswayintomyheart,andIneverstoodachanceatkeepinghimout.
“CanIcomein?”Lorettarequestsafterasoftknockonmyopenedbedroomdoor
“Ofcourse.”Ifiddlewiththeguardforthebackofmyearring,headtiltedinfrontofthemirrorasIwatchherwalkintotheroom,Vivicradledinherarms.“ThankyousomuchforwatchingherwhileIgotready.You’realifesaver.”
“You’rethemaidofhonortoday.Youneedsometimetogetready.I’mjustaplainoldguest.Plus,spendingtimewithmygranddaughterisn’tajob.”
Inod,notsurewhattosaysincemyparentsmakezeroattempttospendtimewithher.Orme,forthatmatter.Andmygutistwistedinknotstoday.Seeingpeople.NothidingVivi’spaternityanymore.
Speakingofmyparents,Istillhaven’ttoldthemaboutTheo.
“Doyourparentscomearoundmuch?”Shesitsontheedgeofthebed,hunkeringdownforwhatIcantellisgoingtobeagentleinquisition.Ican’tblameher.I’ddothesameifmysonwasinthiscomplicatedmesswithsomeone.
Withaheavysigh,Iturntotheolderwoman.Shinydarkhairtogowithshinydarkeyes.ThereisnodoubtwhereVivigetsherlooksfrom,andasmuchasitnigglesatmesometimes,I’mrelievedshedoesn’ttakeaftermymom.
“No.WhenIannouncedmypregnancy,shithitthefan.”Loretta’sbrowsriseinquestion,andIcan’thelpbutchuckle.“Mylifeisasoapopera.”
“Iloveagoodsoapopera,”shereplieswithamischievousgrin.
Notwantingtowrinklethepinksilkdress,Irestmybuttagainstthewindowsillfacingthebedandgetreadytoexplainsomethings.“WhathasTheotoldyou?”
“Well,whenIaskedhim,hesaiditwasn’thisstorytotell.Hesaidtherewasalothestilldidn’tknow,buthedidn’twanttopushyoutodivulge.Idon’tsharehisrestraint.”
ShegrinsandIgrinback.Iswearanyoneelsebarginginonmybusinesswouldsetmerightoff,butsomethingaboutLorettamakesherjust…inherentlynotannoying.
“Theshortversionisthattwenty-sixorsoyearsago,mydadknockedupournanny.SheleftthebabywithhimandthatstartedthenewColdWarinourhouse.So,hespentallhistimeprotectingmysisterfrommybittermom.Don’taskmewhytheydidn’tsplitbecauseIdon’tfucking—sorry,freaking—know.Instead,theystayedtogetherandmadeeveryonearoundthemmiserable.So,IgrewupestrangedfrommydadandsisterbecauseIgotassignedtomymomwhentheypickedtheirteams.”
“Oof,”isallLorettasays.
“Yeah,oof.ButI’masurvivor,soIkeptmyheaddown,didmyschooling,andwenttomedschoollikemymomalwayswantedmeto.Atthehospital,Imetadoctor,thedoctorwhotreatedmysisterasateenagerwhenshehadsomehealthissues.Ithoughthewashandsomeandaccomplishedandcouldn’tbelievehewasinterestedinme.Afteryearsofnothavingthingsformyself,itfeltlikehewasmine.Mymomwasallaboutmebeingwithafancydoctorbecauseitmadeherlookgood.LikeIwasdoingbetterthanmysister,whowaseternallysingleand‘only’wenttolawschool.”
“Ah.”Lorettanods,glancingdownatVivi,whoisdozingtothesoundsofourvoicesafterwhateverrigorousplaytimehergrandmotherjustputherthrough.“Lawschooliswherealltheunderachieversgo.”
Ipointafingeratherasiftosay,Yeah,yougetit,thenIcarryon.
“ExceptitturnedoutDr.DreamywasaDr.Douche.Acreepypredatorwhogroomedmyteenagesisterandwashookingupwithherassoonasshewaslegal.Butmyrelationshipwithherwassofraughtthatshenevertoldme,evenwhenImarriedhim,becauseshedidn’twanttocauseanymoreripplesinouralreadyturbulentfamily.Shedidn’twanttohurtme.”
“Yeah,wedefinitelydon’twanttocomparethisguytoMcDreamy.”
Mygod,TheoandhismomwiththeMcDreamystuff.
Withalaugh,Icontinue,feelingproudthatIcanfindhumorinthisatallnow.“So,RhettfoundoutfromSummer,andonedayatthehospitalDr.Douchetookitalittletoofarwithtalkingdowntothem,soRhettblewupandspilledthebeansinfrontofmyentirefamilyandagoodchunkofmycolleagues.Imean,notallofthem,buttheoneswhowerethereplayedagameoftelephoneaboutit.Sothatsucked.”
“Thatdefinitelysucks.ThissoundsabitlikeastorylinethatbelongsinGrey’sAnatomy.”
“Right?Iwasalsopregnantwhenthathappened.Aftertryingforsolong.Fertilityconsults.Fertilitydrugs.I’mcertainIwassingle-handedlykeepingFirstResponsepregnancytestsinbusiness.So,youmightsayitguttedme.ThatlittlecornerIwascarvingoutformyselfcrumbledinaspectacularwaythatday.”
Lorettaisstillnow.
Icantellthisisn’twheresheexpectedourconversationtogo.Butshe’sjusteasytotalkto,non-judgmentalandsupportiveallatonce.Icantotallyimaginehavingherintheroomwithmewhiledelivering.I’veneverseenherworkatall,butIalreadyknowshemustbeanincrediblemidwife.
Istudymynails,apalerpearlescentpinkthistimetomatchmybridesmaiddress.“ThenImiscarried,andthat’swhenIstartedconsideringmyoptions.Thewaynooneshowedupformeintheaftermathofthatshitshowwasawake-upcall.Withoutthatbaby,Ihadnothing.Ihadahusbandwhocaredmoreaboutmetellingthemedicalboardabouthismisconductthanmywellbeing.AmomwhocaredmoreabouttheopticsoftheentiresituationthanhowIwasdoing.Andadadwhojuststaredatmeawkwardly,toochickenshittosayanythingtome.”
“Oh,Winter.”Hereyeswater,butIrefusetofollowsuit.Sayingthisoutloudiscathartic.Anditdoesn’tmakemesadatall.It’sfreeing.MaybeI’vefinallygottenoverthetrauma.IfeellikeIwanttopokethewoundevenhardertofindoutifit’strulyhealed.
“TheonlypersonwhocaredaboutmeandhowIwasdoingwasmybabysister.TheoneIspentliteraldecadesofmylifetreatinglikeshit.Sheneverstoppedmessagingme,neverstoppedtrying,andIfeltso,sounworthyAndsomehowthatwasthestrawthatbrokethecamel’sback.Iwantedtoburnitalldown.Mylife,myjob,myhouse,mymarriage.TheonlytwothingsIwantedtoleavestandingwereSummerandme.So,that’swhatIdid.ExceptIhadaone-nightstandwithyourson,andapparentlycondomstrulyareonly98percenteffective.So,hereIam.OrIguessIshouldsay…hereweare.”
Istraightenandsmile.Becausethisstoryfinallydoesn’tmakemefeelweakorsad.Ifeelstrongerforhavingtolditoutloud.IfeelproudofhowfarI’vecome.
“Ithinkhisversionofeventsincludedaninappropriatecommentaboutbeingtoofertileforanybarrier.”
Alaughburstsfromme.“ThatabsolutelysoundslikethewayTheowouldseeit.”
“Thankyouforsharingthatstorywithme,Winter.Icanseewhyyou’veenchantedmyboy.”
Igiveherawrygrin.“Thatstoryisnotenchanting.”
“No,butyouare.Yourabilityforreflectionshowsatypeofmaturityandstrengththatnotalladultspossess.”
Iwaveheroffanddrophergaze,stillnotcomfortablewiththatlevelofcompliment.ThoughIcan’thelpbutthinkofmyparents,ofRob.ReflectiveisnotthewordIwoulduseforthem.
“Ibroughtyouthis.IpackeditandknewIwantedtogiveittoyou.Ijustwasn’tsurewhentherighttimewouldbe.Ithinktodayisperfect.”
Iglancedownatheroutstretchedhandasherfingersunfurlfromafist.Athinstringofdaintymisshapenpearlswithagoldenclasprestsonherpalm.
“Thiswasfrommymom.Shepasseditdowntome.They’reriverpearls.That’swhythey’reallalittleasymmetricalandthecolorsareabitdifferent.Isawyouinthisdressandthoughtitwouldbetheperfecttouch.”
Ireachoutandrunthepadofmyfingersoverthelumpyedges.Softwhites,creams,andpalepinksreflectoverthesatinysmoothbeads.It’sgorgeous,butI’mnotsureIfeelrighttakingitfromher.
“Whataboutyourdaughter?Surely,you’dratherkeepitinthefamily.”
Loretta’sheadtiltsassheassessesme.“Winter,doll.Youarethefamily.WhateverhappensbetweenyouandTheo?Thislittlegirlrighthere”—shetrailsafingeroverthebridgeofVivi’snose—“isagift.She’spartofusall.AsfarasI’mconcerned,youandViviareatwo-for-onedeal.Iseeyourconnection,howmuchofyourselfyou’vegiventoher,andIjust…itremindsmeofmyselfinthoseearlydays.”
Ihaven’tcriedinweeks.Withallthepeoplerallyingaroundme,alltheeffortlesssupport,tearshaven’tsprungupoutofnowhereanymore.TheurgetoclimbTheolikeatreehasreplacedtheurgetocry.
That’swhatkeepsmeupatnightinsteadofmymistakesinlife.
Ifhismomwasn’tlivingwithhim,Iwouldhavebrokenintohishouseinthemiddleofthenightandbeggedhimtofuckmebynow.
“Ithink—”
Lorettadoesn’tletmefinish.“IthinkyoushouldpassitdowntoViviatanequallyimportanttimeinherlife.”
Myeyeswater,andItrytoblinkthemoistureaway.“MaybeIspoketoosoon,”IsayasIfinallytakethenecklace.It’sshortandwillfitlikeachoker.It’sdainty,butalsosexyandunique.“Iloveit.ThoughI’mnotsurethiscouldbeconsideredanimportanttimeinmylife.”
Shesmilesatme,kindandwise,likesheknowssomethingIdon’t.“IwasthinkingIcouldbringVivihomeandputhertobedwhenthetimingisright.Letyoukidshavesomefuntonight.Youcouldletyourhairdownabit.Maybethat’simportantforyourightnow.”
“Icould.”I’mstillrunningmyfingersoverthepearls.“I’mnotgoodatlettingmyhairdownthough.”
Shehuffsoutalaugh.“SpendmoretimearoundTheo,andhe’llshowyouhow.”
“That’swhatworriesme,”Iwhisper,confessingoneoftheanxietiesIhaveaboutTheoSilva.“Hejust…Ihaveahardtimetrustinganyone.”Isnortandglanceupather.“I’mlikeawalking,talkingdaddyissue.AndnomatterhowhardItrynottoletmyheadgobacktothatplace…itdoes.”
Lorettanods,hermouthcurlingintoasmile.“Asthepersonwhohasknownhimthelongestinthislife,I’mgoingtotellyouwhatIknowaboutTheo.”
“Okay.”
“Theoloveseasily.That’sjusthisnature.Buthedoesn’toftenlovehard.Hekeepsthatpartofhimself,theonethat’sseenlosstoo,lockeduptightwhereitcan’tgethurt.Butyou,girl?Helovesyouhard.”
Iblink,tryingtoabsorbwhatshe’sjusttoldme.
“Okay?”Shepushestostand.
“Okay,”Ireplyagain.
It’swhenshe’salmostatthedoorwithasleepingViviinherarmsthatsheturnsbacktomeonasoftchuckle.“Ijustrememberedthathecalledmethemorningafteryoutwofirstgottogether.Anddoyouknowwhathesaidtome?
Ishakemyhead.It’sallIcanmanage.
“Hesaid,‘Mom,Imether.’AndIsaid,‘Who?’”Loretta’slipscurveup,hereyestakingonafarawaylook.“Hesaid,‘ThewomanI’mgoingtomarryoneday.’”
I’mfrozeninplace.Howcouldhepossiblyknowthat?Thinkthat?Whywouldaone-nightstandwithmebemoreimpactfulthataone-nightstandwithoneofthebajillionsofrandomwomenI’msurehe’ssleptwithovertheyears?
“Iaskedhimifsheknewaboutthisandhelaughedandsaid,‘Notyet.’”26Theo
Theo:Thatfuckingdressshouldbeillegal.
Winter:Isthatwhyyou’reglaringatmefromacrosstheroom?It’sawedding.Acthappy.
Theo:I’mundressingyouwithmyeyes.
Winter:Cheesy.
Theo:Fine.I’mtryingtodecideifIshouldripthosethinstrapsorevenbothertakingthedressoffatall.
Winter:Whotoldyouthatyou’dbetakingmydressoff?
Theo:Youhaven’tyet,butyouwill.
Winter:Rude.
Theo:Rudeismetellingyouthatifyouwantedapearlnecklace,Icouldhavegivenyouone.
Winter:Extrarude.
Theo:I’llstopbeingrudewhenitstopsmakingyouturnthatprettypinkcolor.
***
Everypersoninthevintage-stylebarnhastheireyesonSummerassheandRhettexchangevowsatthefrontoftheaisle.
Exceptme.
IhavemineonWinter.AndIcan’ttakethemoff.
Partlybecauseofherclingysilkydress,heldupbysuchdaintystraps.Everythingaboutthedelicategarmentissoeasilyliftedorripped.Andthenshe’swearingthisprettychoker-stylepearlnecklace,andIcan’thelpbutwonderifshedidittotestmycontrolandmymaturity.Ican’twaittowhispersomethingdirtyinherearaboutpearlnecklacesandwatchhersquirm.
Butmostofall,myeyesarestuckonherbecauseeverytimehergazemeetsmine,herskinturnsthistulip-pinkcolor,andsheactslikeshe’sfoundsomethinginterestingintherowsofpeoplewatchingtheceremony.Herlipswillpresstogether,herlasheswillflutter,andhergazewillfinditswaybacktome.
Ishouldn’teye-fuckhersoblatantlyatthefrontofhersister’swedding,butIhavebeensinceweallmetupinthebackroom.Icouldn’tbemoreclichéd,thebestmandroolingoverthemaidofhonoratawedding.EspeciallysinceI’monlythebestmanbecauseRhettdidn’twanttopickoneofhisbrothersovertheothers.
BeforeIknowit,thejusticeofthepeaceannouncestheycankissandeveryoneinattendancecheers.WhenIhearaloudwhistle,IturnandseeKip,WinterandSummer’sdad.Ishouldfinditendearinghe’shereferventlysupportinghisdaughter,butIsawthepainthatflashedoverWinter’sfacewhenhewalkedSummerdowntheaisletous.
GlancingoveratWinter,Ifindhereyesonme.Thistime,Itossherawink.Hercheeksflameandherlipspurseasshelooksaway,tryingtohidehersmile
Therestofthedaypassesinablurofmuchofthesame.Stolenglances.Posedphotographs.Ahandonherback,justalittletoolow.Familyspeeches.Myfootpressedagainsthersundertheheadtable.Thefirstdance.Mewipingtheicingoffherlipfromthecake.
Thetensionissothickbetweenus,Icouldcutitwithabutterknife.
It’swhenthedancingstartsthatmycheeky,happylittlebubbleburstsandIhavemyfirstrun-inwithafeelingI’mnotwellacquaintedwithatall.
Jealousy.
BeauEatonsnagsWinterforanupbeattwo-stepandallIcanseeishishandonthesmallofherback.Hisfingerswrappedaroundwheremineshouldbe.AndIhateit.
Asthesongchangesintoaslowdanceandhedoesn’tlethergo,myagitationbuilds.Ishiftmyweightonthespot.Hereyessearchforme,andwhenshefindsme,shesmiles.Ileanagainstthebar,bottleofbeerinhand,burninglasersintoaguyIgenerallylikefordaringtodancewiththewomanI’minlovewithwhileIwaitforhertodecideifshemightliketobeinlovewithmetoo.
It’swhenIfeelanelbowagainstmysidethatIrealizeHarveyEatonhasmovedinbesideme.“GonnatellyouwhatItoldRhettacoupleofyearsagowhenBeauwasputtingmovesonSummerrightinfrontofhim.”
Isnort.“Brave.”
Harveychucklesandtakesaswigofhisbeer,watchingthemtoo.“Doesn’tmuchmatterwhoshe’sdancingwithwhenhereyesareonyou.”
“Yeah.”Iscrubatmystubble,hopingtoloosensomeofthetensioninmyjaw.
“Plus,it’snotwhatitlookslike.ItoldBeautostopbeingamoodyassholeandapologizetoWinter.Seehowawkwardtheyare?Waskindagettingakickoutofitmyself,liketwovirginalteenagersattheirfirstdance.Straight-armingeachother’sshoulders.Notlikeyoutwoferalcatsontheprocreationprowl.”
“Sorry,theprocreationprowl?”
“Igoogleditafteryoulotmadefunofmyanalogy.ButIwasright.You’rethetomandshe’sthequeen.Ya’llwereblowingshituplikeAmericansonthefourthofJulyandthengoingatitlikeit’smatingseason.”
“Thisistrulytheanalogythatneverends.”
“I’mnotwrong.Oursouthernneighborslovetocelebratetheirindependencebyblowingofftheirfingerswithexcessivefireworks.Therearestatistics.”
“OnGoogle,Ipresume?”
Hescoffs.“Yes.”
“Youareanationaltreasure,HarveyEaton.”Ichuckleandtakeasipofmydrink,eyesstillplasteredtothedancefloor.Nowthathementionsit…thereisaleadenqualitytothewaythey’removing.“What’dhedotoher?”
Harveyshakeshishead,hishumorleechingawaynow.“Bah.Actedlikeasullendickheadwhenshetriedtohelphim.I’msureshewasn’twarmandfuzzyaboutit.Butstill.ThisisthenewnormalforBeau,unfortunately.”
It’sbeenatoughroadforBeau.Idon’tknowhimwell,butIknowhe’snotthesame.Notafterhespentdaysonendhidinginenemyterritorywithahostagehefreed.ACanadianjournalistwho’dbeenmissingforever.Itwasplasteredallovertheeveningnews.TheherowhowalkedthroughfireandknowinglymissedhistransportouttosaveafellowCanadian.
Theonlypersonwhodoesn’tseemimpressedbyBeauis,well,Beau.
Harveyclearshisthroat.“He’sgettingbetterthough.Yaknow?Takestimetoadjusttocivilianlife.Ah—”Harveygesturesatthedancefloorwithhisbeer.“Therehegoes.Stillagoodboyatheart.”
Andsureenough,betweenthetwosongs,hestepsawayfromWinter,dropshiseyes,andhislipsmove.Ican’tmakeoutwhathe’ssaying,butWinternods,lookingmorelikethemedicalprofessionalsheisthanthewomanwhokeepsmakingfunofmymiddlename.
Theyshakehandsandpartways.Winterturnsandsaunterstowardme,thatpinksilkslippingagainsttheoutercurveofherhips.Beaucrossestotheoppositesideofthedancefloorandleansagainstthebarwhereaprettybrunetteisslingingdrinks.Shebarelyglanceshisway,buthandshimasodabeforeheevensaysaword.
“Andwouldyoulookatthat.Thequeencomingbacktohertom.Mustbematingseason.”Harveycacklestohimselfashemovesintothecrowd,presumablytomakejokesthattoethelineofappropriatetosomeoneelse.
I’mgrinninglikeafoolwhenWinterfinallygetstome.
“Hi.”Shesmilesback,instantlyflushedagain.
“Hi.Drink?”Itipmyheadtowardthebar.
“Sure.Champagne.”
WintertakesaspotbesidemewhileIturnandorderherachampagne.Withherdrinkinhand,webothstandandstareoutatthecrowd.Thesunisdroppingoutside,butinsideitfeelslikethingsarejustturningup.Thereceptionisbeingheldinanotheroutbuildingonthesamefarm,thisonesetupforeventswithalargedancefloor,family-styletablesdownoneside,twobars,andaDJbooth.Basically,everythingyoumightneedononepropertytohostacountrywedding.
“WhatwereyouandHarveytalkingabout?”IglancedownatWinter,lipsontherimoftheglassasshetipsthechampagneintohermouth.Pinklipstickkissestheedgewhenhermouthcomesaway.
“Theprocreationprowl.”
Herbrowsknittogether.“Thewhat?”
“Youdon’twanttoknow.WhatwereyouandBeautalkingabout?”
Hernosewrinklesslightly,andIcantellshe’sweighingherwords.“Basically,hecorneredmeatafamilydinnerawhileback,askingmetowritehimascript.Isaidno.Heblewup,andItoldhimtowatchhistone.NowhetreatsmelikeI’mtheGrinchwhostolehissleepingpills.Iguessafterseveralmonthsofcoolingdown,hedecidedtoapologize.ThoughI’mprettysurehisdadtoldhimt—”
“Ithinkitmightbeagoodtimetogetthisgirlhome.”Mymomwalksup,pushingastrollerwithapassedoutVivi.“She’spartiedhardforaten-month-old.ItoldWinterI’dgoongrandmadutysoyouguyscouldstayout.I’lljustwatchGrey’srerunsatyourhouseuntilyou’reback.”
Tenmonths?God.ShewasninemonthswhenImether.Itseemsimpossiblethatamonthhaspassed.There’sapartofmethatwantstosaynoandtakeherhomemyself.Iwanttowatchherfallasleepandbetherewhenshewakesup.
ButWinterjumpsattheopportunity.“Thankyou,Loretta.Thatwouldbelovely.”ShebendsdowntothestrollerandpressesakisstoVivi’scheek.AndIdecide,fuckit,I’mdoingthesame.So,IplacemybeerontothebarandwithonehandonthesmallofWinter’sback,Ibendintothestrollerandgivemydaughter’ssoft,pudgycheekagoodnightkiss.
WhenIstraighten,I’mimmediatelyfacedwithKip’sstareonmefromtheoppositesideofthedancefloor.Hisdarkeyesboreintomeastheynarrow.
Iglarebackathim,myhandstillfirmlypressedtohisforgottendaughter’sback.Igrazemythumboverthesilkypinkfabric.Thisdresslooksfartoomuchlikesomesortofsexynightgown.Itreallyshouldbeillegal.
“Bye,Mom,”ismyabsentacknowledgmentofherdeparture.
I’msurethestaredownisobvious,butIdon’tgiveafuck.Kipmightbeherdad,hemightevenbeaniceenoughguy,buthehurtWinterandhasn’tdoneshittoshowupforher.
WhichputshimintheassholecolumnasfarasI’mconcerned.
“Wow.Thischampagneisgreat.”Wintersidlesclosertome,turningherbodytowardmineassheholdstheglassuptoassessit.“Likenottoofizzy,youknow?”
I’msureshe’sawareofwhoI’mwatching,butIwonderifsheunderstandshowterritorialI’mfeeling.“I’mglad.Youokay?”
Shenods,topteethsinkingintoherbottomlip.Finally,shegivesmehereyesformorethanafewsecondsforthefirsttimetoday.“Yeah.”Herteethgobacktoworkingatherlip,likeshe’stryingtoclampdownonwordsshewantstosay.
Ighostafingeroverherlipanditsendsajoltoflusttomygroin.“Ifyouwanttobebitten,Icanhelpyouwiththat.”
Hereyeswidenandshequicklycoversbytakingasipofchampagne.
Thenthequestionscome.
“Whydidyoukeepthatcoaster?Myphonenumber?”
“BecauseIknewIwascomingback.Youwereamess—respectfully—andIwasoutofcontrol.Webothneededtime.”
Athinlaughspillsfromherlips.“I’mstillamessnow.”
Isplaymyfingersloweronherback,trailingthemoverthetopseamofherunderwearasIgazeoutoverthepackeddancefloor.“MaybeIdon’tcare.MaybeIwanttobemessywithyouforever.”
Herbodyjolts,andIsmilebeforetakingaswigofmybeer.Itfeelslikeseveralminutesbeforeshesaysanotherword.
Andtheyaren’tthewordsIwant.
“Truly,thischampagneissuperb.Likenottoosweet.Nottoodry.I’llhavetoaskSummerforthenamesoIcangetabottle.”
“I’llbuyyouliteralcasesofitifyoustopavoidingtheconversationathand.”
ShesighsandfollowsmygazeoutontothedancefloorwhereRhettisspinningSummer.Herfulldresstrailsaroundbehindher,castalmostaswideasthegrinonherface.JasperhasSloanepressedagainsthimlikeeverypersonintheirvicinitymighttrytoremoveherfromhisgrip.AndWillaisdancingwithLuke,doingthemostinsanemovesuntiltheybothlaughuncontrollably.
“Idon’tknowhowtoreacttoyouwhenyoutalklikethat,Theo,”Wintersaysinasoftvoice.“Like…whatwasitthen?Loveatfirstsight?Ijust…thatmakesmeuncomfortable.That’samoviething,notareal-lifething.”
“WhenyousawViviforthefirsttime,didyouknowyoulovedher?Didyouneedtimeandspacetocomearoundtotheidea?Ordidyoutakeonelookatherandjustknow?”
Adeepsighliftshershoulders.“Ijustknew.”
Ipullhercloser,feelingherstomachpressagainstmyhip,herbreastagainstmyribs,asIdropmyvoiceandsplaymyfingersoverherass.“WhenIsawyou…Idon’tknow.Idon’twanttocallitloveatfirstsight.Maybeneedatfirstsight?Wantatfirstsight?Aconnection.ItwasknowingI’dnevergetsickofyoureyeswanderingovermybodywiththatslack-jawedferallookonyourface.”
“Youshouldreallytrythischampagne.Ithinkyou’dlikeit.”
“Winter,seriouslywiththechampagneagain?”
Herbodymeltsagainstmineevenasherwordsstayconflicted.“Ijust…That’scrazy.Thatmakesnosense.”
Alaughrumblesinmychest.“Iridebullsforaliving,soit’snotthefirsttimeI’vebeencalledcrazy.IguessI’mjustcrazyenoughtowantmyeightsecondsonthefrigidice-queensistertoo.”
Winterstiffensforseveralbeatsandthenyanksherselfawaywithaviolencethatclasheswiththepeacefulnesswehadmomentsago.
“Areyoukiddingme?”shehissesrightashereyesgodarkandturnglassy.
“Winter…”
Itwasajoke.
Abadone.
“Youaretheonlypersoninmylifewhohasneverreferredtomethatway.Sorry,youweretheonlyperson.”HermouthpopsopenandIcanseethewayI’vehurther;it’swrittenalloverherface.
Shetransformsfromragingtoheartbrokenrightbeforemyeyes.Ashakinghandplacesthechampagneglassonthebartop,andherquiveringlipstrytoformapolitesmile.Hervoicecomesoutwaterywhenshesays,“Thankyouforthedrink.”
Thenshe’spracticallyjogginginherhighheelsacrossthewoodenfloor,skirtfistedtokeepitfromtanglinginherlegs.I’mtoostunnedtomoveforafewbeats.
Wewerejusttalking,laughing.Headinginagooddirection.Andshe’sgoingtorunawayfrommenow?Aftereverything?
Nah.Nottoday,Tink.
Istrideafterher.
Agitated.
Frustrated.
AndfuckingdonewithWinterHamiltonrunningfromme.27Theo
Isensetheweightofpeople’sgazesasIpracticallychaseWinterthroughtheroom.Mylong,assertivestridesgaingroundbehindhershort,choppyones.
Sheturnsdownanarrowwood-paneledhallway.It’squieterhere,evenwithmyheartbeatinmyearsandherheelsclackingonthefloor.
Attheveryendofthecorridor,shegoesleftandwrenchesonthedoorhandle,wildeyesmeetingmineoverhershoulder.“Theo.Goaway.Iwanttobealone.”Atearstreaksdownherface.
Iknowshehatestocry.Hateshavingbigfeelingsandbigconversations.Hatestofeelweakoroutofcontrol.
But…
“That’stoobad,becausetoday,Idon’tgiveafuckwhatyouwant,”IgrowlasIyankthedooropenwidertoaccommodatemywidth.“Getin.”Ipushhergentlyintothewashroom,myhandbetweenhershoulderbladesaswestepintothelargespacewithabutcher-blockvanityandbowlsink.
“Idon’twantyouhere!”shehisses,wipingfuriouslyatherfaceassheturnsawayfrommetofacethemirrorthatrunsallthewaytotheceiling.“Wouldhateforhappy,lovablefuckingTheoSilvatogethislegendarydickfrostbittenbytheice-queen.”
“Winter,thatwasajoke.”Ilockthedoorwhileshestaresatusinthemirror.Flushedcheeks,wideeyes,onehandonherheavingchest.“Itwasadumbfuckingjoke.”
“Itwasn’tfunny.”
“Noshit!”Myarmsflyoutandmyvoicebooms.“Imadeamistake.OnelittlemistakeaftereverythingandyoutreatmelikeI’mjustanotherassholeandtakeoff!”
“Itwasn’tamistake!It’sawayofthinkingaboutSummerandmethateveryonedoes!I’llalwaysbethecold,heartlessbitchbecauseSummergetstobethesweet,agreeableone.Andofcourse,youseemethesamewayaseveryoneelse.Whywouldn’tyou?”
Herwordsstunme.Theheatinmycheekscreepsdownmythroat,aperfectmirrortothetearsrollingdownhercheeks.Bothsignsofourfrustration.
“Youknowwhat,Winter?”Myvoiceislow,butitvibrateswithanunfamiliarfury.“Iamfuckingtired.IamtiredofyounotseeingwhatIsee.Tiredofyoutalkingshitaboutyourself.Iamtiredofyounotrealizingwhat’srighthere”—mypalmlandsheavyonmychest—“rightinfrontofyou.WhatmoredoIhavetofuckingdoforyoutotrustme?Foryoutogivemethebenefitofthedoubtjustonce!”
Shedoesn’tflinchatmyoutburst.Silenttearsmarhermakeupastheyflowfreelydownherface.
Butshesaysnothing.SoIkeepgoing.Steppingcloseenoughtotrailmyfingersoverthelineofherjaw.
“Iamnotyourdad.Iamnotyourex.Iamheredoingmybestforyou.AnditseemslikethemoreIgiveyou,thelessIgetback.Whyisthat?”
Herjawtremblesassheopensit,likeshe’sabouttorespond.Butthensheshutsdown.Slamsitshutandlooksaway.
Ihuffoutafrustratedbreath,droppingmyhandfromhercheekasIturntoleave.Butthelossofmytouchhasherspinningonherheeltofaceme.
“BecauseIwantyou!”sheshouts,stoppingmeinmytracks.“AndIwantthis!”Herhandgesturesfranticallybetweenus.“Iwantus!Andthatterrifiesme!Becausewhatifitdoesn’tworkandViviisstuckwithtwoparentswhohateeachother?Iknowhowthatgoesanditfuckingsucks.Welikeeachotherrightnow.I’mfinallyhappy.Itfeelssafehere.Ican’thandleanotherpersonwhohatesme.”
Thetearscontinueflowing,andshemakesnomovetostopthem.Shejuststaresatmeafterthatbrutallyhonest,rawoutburst.Shestillholdsherchinhigh,defiantly,nomatterhowvulnerableshe’sjustbeen.
“That’sallyouhadtosay.”
Sheblinks,butotherwisedoesn’treact.
ButIcan’thandlestayingawayfromheranymore.Can’tstandthisdistancebetweenus.Allittakesistwolongstepsformetotoweroverher.Onestepformetopushherbackagainstthecloseddoor.Andafewinchesformetocrushmylipsagainsthers.
Shedoesn’tmissabeat,archingintomeandwrappingherarmsaroundmyneck,moaningintomymouth.
Clingingtome.
“IpromiseIcouldneverhateyou,”Imurmuragainsthermouth,handskimmingherjaw.
Hereyesflashtomine.“Don’tmakepromisesyoucan’tkeep.”
Wekissagain.Frantically.Likeshe’sstilltryingtopushthroughthisconversation.Handsroaming,shegrabsthelapelsofmysuitjacket,givingthemahardtug.
“IpromiseI’llneverhateyou.”Idragmylipsoverhercheek,myteethbackdownalongherjaw.
“Youcan’tknowthat,”shewhispers,asharpintakeofbreathhissingfrombetweenherlipsasIspinherandfaceustowardthemirror.Forcinghertolookatus.
Myhandstrailoverthesilk,tracingeverycurve,thumbsdetouringdownintothatlittledipbeneathherhips.“Ican.I’llbetoobusylovingyou.”
Allshedoesisbreatheandwatchus.Watchmyhandsslidingeverywhere,takingallthegroundI’vebeendesperatetocoverforsodamnlong.
Thenherhandscovermine,movingasImove.Hereyesnowfullofawe,sheraptlyfollowsthetrailmytouchblazesoverherbody.Hips.Stomach.Breasts.Innerthighs.
I’mrockhard,mycockbulgingagainsttheswellofherass.
Shegrindsbackonme,andIgroan.
“Tellmewhatyouwant,Tink.”
HerlipspopopenandIwatchherthinking,decidingwhattosaynext.
“Idon’twantanymoreofthosepityorgasmsyougavemeinthegym.”
“Pityorgasms?”
“Yeah.Likeyoujustdiditbecauseyouweretryingtomakemefeelbetter.Likeyoufeelbadforme.”
ThisisnotwhatIexpectedhertosay.
“Iwasn’tjustdoingitto—”
“Iwantyoutofuckmelikeyoudidthatnightinthehotel.Likeyoucan’tstandtokeepyourhandsoffme.Like…”Shetrailsoff,backtobitingherbottomlip.“It’slikeyourespectmetoomuchnow.Igetpityorgasmsandprettywords.Iwanttobemorethanthat.Iwant…”Iobservethewayshe’sworkingthisout.She’snotusedtoaskingforwhatshewants.“Iwantyouunhingedforme.Just…disrespectme.Justforabit.”
Thatnight
Mylipsdragovertheshellofherear,andsheshivers.“You’dliketobemyprettylittlesluttonight?”
Myteethsinkintothelobeofherearasthewordsechoaroundus.Whenshedoesn’trespond,Iquirkabrowather.
Sheliftsherchinlikesherefusestofeelanyshameaboutherrequest.“Yes.”
Flameslashatmyspine,andIwillmyselftotakethisslowly.Idon’tgiveafuckwherewearerightnow.I’mgoingtosavorthehelloutofthiswoman.
“You’vebeenarealcock-tease,struttingaroundinthisdressallday.Ithinkit’stimeyoupayforthat,don’tyou?”Iflickoneflimsystrapoffhershoulder.
Hertonguedartsoutoverherplushlips.Everymoveshemakesdrivesmecrazy.Justbeingthisclosetoher,inhalinghervanillabodylotion,makesmeunbearablyhard.
Shenods.
Ispinherandpressdownonhershoulders,guidinghertothehardwoodfloor.“Good.Nowgetonyourfuckingkneesandsuckmycocklikeit’llendinamouthfullofthatchampagneyoukeeptalkingabout.”
Asshehitstheground,sheliftsherbabybluesupatmeforabeat,andthenherhandsattackmybeltandpantswithaneedyfervor.
She’stooimpatienttodomorethantugmyslacksdownfarenoughtogetwhatshe’safter.Igroanwhenmycockspringsfree,headbrushingherlipsasshewrapsherfistaroundthebase.Hereyesflituptomineasshekneelsbeforeme,rubbingthethickheadofmycockoverherlushmouth.
Theteasingdrivesmeinsane,soIgripherhairandthrust.
Herlipsopenandhertongueswirls,cheekshollowingoutasshesucksme.
Myhandsstayonherhead,butthey’rejusttherefortheride.Idon’tneedtopushorpull.She’seagerenoughallonherown.
Hot.Wet.Hungry.
JustthewayIlikeher.
“Isthiswhatyouneeded,Winter?”Myfingersstrokeherhair.
Shehumsherresponsearoundmylength,onehandfirmaroundmydickwhiletheothergentlysqueezesmyballs.
“Fuck.”MyheadtipsbackandIclosemyeyesasmyhipsmove,fuckinghergreedylittlemouth.“Winter.It’stoogood.You’retoogood.”
Shedoublesherefforts,goingdeepenoughthatIfeelthebackofherthroatbuttingupagainsttheheadofmycock.Ihearthelittlegaggingnoiseshemakesasshestrugglestotakeitall,anditpushesmetotheedge.
“Winter,ifyoudon’tstopsoon,I’mgoingto…”ItrailoffasIgazedownather.Hairmussed.Pearlnecklaceagainstthecolumnofherthroat.Eyesonme.
“Oh,that’swhatyouwant?Ofcourse,youdo.”Ismirkandtossherawink.ThenItakeherhead,holdherstill,andfuckhermouth.
Hergazeremainsplasteredonme,herhandsbracedagainstmyquads,holdingonfordearlife.Afterafewfuriousthrusts,Igiveinandspillmyselfdownherthroat.
Shedoesn’tlookaway.Shedoesn’tpullback.
“Lappingupeverylastdrop,aren’tyou?”Iaskassheholdsmethere,swallowingitallbeforeslidingoffmylength.
I’mpanting,handsstillinherhair,whenshepeeksupatme.“Thechampagnewasstillbetter,”shesayswithademuresmileasshelicksherlipslikethelittleliarsheis.
IworkoncatchingmybreathforamomentafterthehottestblowjobofmylifebeforeIfixmypantsandgiveashakeofmyheadather.“I’llgetyoumoreonceI’vehadmyturn,”Ireply,takingherhandandhelpinghertostand.
ThenIkissher.BecauseIcan.Becauseshewantsmeto.
Ipressthatonehard,frenziedkisstohermouthandthenswiftlypushheraway,flippingheraroundsowe’rebacktofacingthemirror.
Welooksogoodtogether.Hereyesallsparklyandbright.Herlipsallpuffyandfreshlyfucked.ButIdon’tstandaroundwatchingforlong.
“Don’tmuchliketheideaofyounothavingaturn.”Ireachdown,liftingherdress.MycockalreadymovingagainasIexposeeachinchofsmoothskin.
“Youseemedfinewithittheotherday.”
“That’sdifferent.”
Herbrowquirksasthesilkslidesuptoherwaist,givingmeaviewofthepalepinkthongbeneath.Igroanatthesight.
“Howdoyoufigure?”
Istepbacktogetagoodviewofherassbeforetappingherelbowasasigntoliftherarms.Withinseconds,thedressisgone.I’mnotatotalsavage,andIknowweneedtogetoutofhereeventually,soIhangitcarefullyonthehookattachedtothedoor.
“Becauseeatingyourpussyisoneofmyfavoritethingstodo.”
Iflicktheclaspsofherbraandwatchthewasteoffabricfall.
Myhandscoverherbreasts,cuppingthebareskininmypalms.
Herheadtilts.“Whosaidsuckingyourcockisn’toneofmyfavoritethingstodo?”
Mymouthfollowsthecurveofherneck,plantingkisses,untilIdecidetotakeabiteofhershoulder.Shegasps.
“Saythatagain,”Imurmur,pressingahandtothemiddleofherbacktobendherforward,proppingherhandsonthecountertop.
“Saywhat?”She’spantingnow,stillwatchingmeinthereflectiveglass.
IgivetheleftcheekofherassabiteasIdroptomyknees,pullingthethongwithme.I’mmetbysmooth,tonedlegsproppedupinthemostalluringwayabovethethree-inchheelsshe’swearing.
“Thatsuckingmycockisyourfavoritethingtodo.”
“Jesus,”sherasps,rightasIrunmyfingersoverhercore,discoveringhowreadysheisforme.
Islidetwofingersintoher,thoroughlyenjoyingtheviewofherbodybentoverlikethisforme,enjoyinghereagerness.Howhonestshe’sbeen.
“Suckingyourcockismyfavoritethingtodo,”shefinallygetsoutinabreathyvoice.
Myfingersglideinandpullbackout,coveredinherwetness.“Icantell.You’refuckingsoaked.”
Ishovethembackinanddropmymouthtoher.Licking,sucking,workingherwithmyfingersuntilsherocksbackonme.
“Theo.”Shemoansasherlegsshake,butIdon’tletup.Ikeepasteadyrhythm,swipingherclitwithmytonguethewayshelikes.
“Theo.”Myfingersmoveharder,rockingherbodyonunsteadyheels.“Theo!Ifyoudon’tfuckmesoon,I’mgoingtoscream!”Hertoneisdemandingandbreathlessallatonce.
IgrinasIwithdrawmyfingersandcometostandaboveher.Shelooksunhinged.Justlikethatnightweshared.
AndIloveit.
Iwedgeadressshoebetweenherheelsandkickherfeetapart.“Spread,Winter.AssupsoIcandisrespectyouthewayyouwantmeto.”
Shemoansinresponse.AndIjustgotoworkonmypantsagain.Pulleddownisgoodenoughfornow.Icantakemytimewithherlater.
“You’regoingtoscream,huh?”Iruntheheadofmycockthroughherslickcenter.
Shenods,elbowsproppedonthecounter,pinkfingernailsclawingthewoodencountertopasherbackarches,pussytippedupinoffering.
“Yes.Loud.”
“Beggingforitlikethegoodlittleslutyouare.”Myhandlandsflatandfirmagainstherasscheek.Thebreathhissingfrombetweenherlipsringsoutinthequietbathroom.“JustlikeIsaidyouwould.”
AndthenIthrustinside.Tothehilt,holdingnothingback.
“Fuck.”IglancedownatwhereI’mburiedinsideherandtakeamomenttoappreciatethesightofherstretchedaroundmygirth.“Youfeelsogood,”Imurmur,slidinginandoutslowly.“Sofuckinggood.”
WhenIlookup,she’swatchingmeinthemirror.“Enjoyingtheview?”
“You’vesaidthattomebefore,”shewhispers.
Itakeonehandandrunitupthecolumnofherspine,trailingmyfingersalongtheindentthere.“Thatnightwhenyoushowedmehowyoutouchyourself,andImadesome…tweaks.”Igiveherhairatug,holdinghergazeinthemirror.“Yougonnalookmeintheeyeandtellmeyoucan’tcomeagain?”
“No,Theo.”Hertonguedartsoutbetweenherlipstowetthem.“WebothknowIonlycomeforyou.”
Ihoveroverher,pullingherhairtotiltherface.Mymouthcrashesagainsthers,tonguesclashing,teethnipping.Andforafewmoments,Iletmyselffocusontakinghermouth,butshewigglesherassinadesperatepleaformoreofmycock.
SoIgiveittoher.
Myhipsslapagainsther,andshepushesbacktomeeteverymotion.
“Isthiswhatyouwanted?”
“Yes,”shebreathes,voicehitchingasshegripsthespoutoverthesink.
Ireacharoundandplaywithherclit.
“Fuck,yes.”Hereyesfluttershut,andherknucklesturnwhiteonthefaucet.
Ipickupthepace,andherlegsfalter,herbodyproppedagainstthevanitynowasherheelsslipandlosepurchase.
ButIdon’tstop.Notwhenshe’schantingmynameandsquirminglikeshemightcomeapartatanymoment.
“Youlookperfectlikethis,Winter.Bentover.Cuntfull.Onlywearingtheseprettypinkheels.”
“Theo…”
Myfingerworksmoreswiftly,rubbingroughcirclesbetweenherlegs.Myoppositehandgripshershoulder,herhair.Sometendrilshavecomelooseandsticktotheperspirationonthebackofherneck.
Ifuckherhard.
“Takeit,Winter.Comeonmycock.”
“Theo!”Hervoiceisloudnow.
Ihopesomeonehearsus.
“I’mgoing—”
Shedoesn’tfinishthesentencebeforesheshatters.Ifeeliteverywhere.Herbodypulsing.Herheaddropping.Onestiletto-cladfootpopsupoffthefloorasshetopplesovertheedgeandlaysherselfoutonthecounterlikeshe’sfinallysurrendered.Andthatflushfrombeforesweepsdownherbackrightbeforemyeyes.
Ieaseoff,pressingmyfingersratherthanrubbing,takinglong,evenstrokesratherthanfastones.Untilherbodyhasgonecompletelysoft,andI’vewrungeverywhimperfromherlungs.
Shelooksbeautiful.Wrungout.Andallittakesisafewroughthrustsintoherbodyformetogettheretoo.
Ipullout,fistmycock,andblowonherback.Shotaftershotlandsonhersmoothskin,markingher.
It’smoresatisfyingthanitshouldbe.
Severalmomentspassaswecatchourbreath,andthenaspentchuckleleavesher,jostlingherbody.It’slikewewereentirelydifferentpeoplejustnow.Animalisticandpassionateandsofuckinghungry.Aswebothcomebackdown,themoodlightens.
“Wow.”
“Wow,what?”Ireply,proppingahandagainstthewalltogetmyownbearings.
“Idon’tthinkIcanwalkanymore.Prettysuremyentirepost-secondaryeducationjustevaporatedrightoutofmyhead.”
Itrailafingerthroughthemessonherbackandwatchhershiver.“Juststaylikethis.Icangoagain.”
Herheadflipsoverhershouldertome,eyeswide.“What?”
“What?Youlookgoodwithapearlbelt.”Mychinjutsoutather.“Matchesyourpearlnecklace.”
Herheaddrops,andshelaughs.Itsoundssogoodonher,airyandcarefree.
“Ican’tbelieveIjustfuckedabullrideratmysister’swedding.”
Withasmile,Ipullmypantsupandturntogatherahandfulofpapertowelstocleanheroff.“Rude.Youfuckedyourbabydaddyatyoursister’swedding,andyouknowyou’ddoitagain.”
HerbackshakesonanotherlaughasIdabheroffwithsteadyhands.Itossthemessyhandfulandgrabanother,reachingoverherpronebodytowetitwithwarmwater.
Withagentlesqueezeofmyhand,waterdropletsfallacrossherback,littledotsthatlandandrollalongtheslenderslopeofherbody.
“Andnowhe’sgivingmeaspongebath.”
“Yeah.Butthisistheslutversion.Nospongesorfancysoapinabathtub.Justpapertowelsandlukewarmtapwaterinapublicwashroom.”
Herfacedropsintoherhands,andshelaughsharder.“Theo,stop.”
IsmiledownatherbackasImovethepapertoweloverhercarefully,notwantingtomissaspot.Drunkonthesoundoflaughterflowingfromawomanwhohasspentfartoolongfeelingsad.
Itakemytime,revelinginbeingabletotouchhersofreely.
“Areyoudone?”
Asighleavesme.“Iguessso.Iwanttodothisagain.Theprincessversionofaspongebaththough.”
Shepeeksupatmethroughthemirror.“Yeah.”Shenods.“Okay.”
“Okay,”Iagree,withawinkthatstillmakesherblush.
Itossthepapertowelawayandshestraightens.Weturntofaceeachother,andIgetsuckedinagain.Myeyesroamherbody.
“Icouldsityoubackonthatcounterandfuckyouagain.Thistime,withyourlegswrappedaroundmywaist.”
“Orwecouldgetoutofhereanddothatsomewhereelse.”
“Yeah.”Ilickmylips,mindracingwithallthewaysIcouldhaveher.“ButIkindoflikedoingitwherewecouldgetcaught.”
“Well,wecandothatagaintoo.”Sheshrugs,lookingmomentarilyinnocent.“Sometime.Somewhere.”
Igrinandquirkmyhead.“Anytime,anywhere?”
Herheadshakesnow,andsheblinksaway,lipspressedtogethertohideasmile.“You’reamachine.”
Myhandsreachforher,andIgatherheragainstmychest.Nakedandwearingheels.Ithoughtnothavingafull-lengthviewwouldhelpmyerection,butthefeelofherpressedagainstmeisalmostworse.Shesmellslikecinnamonsugar,andIcan’tkeepmymouthoffher.Ikissherhair.Hercheek.Herneck.Myhandsslidealloverbeforegrippingherass.
“Hastherereallybeennooneelsesincethatnight?”
Herquestionstopsmeinmytracks.
“Itjustseemsveryunlikely.That’sall.Likeborderlinenotnormal.Idon’tcare.I’djustratherhaveitalllaidout.It’sthesecretsthatkillme.”
“Youcallingmeweird,Tink?”Isqueezehertighteranddropakissonherforeheadasherheadtipsuptolookmeintheeye.
“Idon’tknow.AmI?”
Ireachforherbra,slipitonher,andstrugglelikeanidiottofastenthestupidhooks.“Yeah.Youare.”
“Notevenablowjob?”
Ireacharoundherandgrabherslipofadressoffthehook.Icarefullyarrangeitoverherheadtodropitdownoverherbody.
“No,thequalityofyoursruinedme.Nobodyelseswallowsmycumlikeit’sDomPerignon.”
HereyesrollasIworkherarmsthroughthestraps.“Notevenakiss?”
“Nobodyhasthesmartmouththatyoudo.Makesmealotlessinterestedinkissingthem.”
Thedresscascadesdownoverherbody.
“Whataboutmypanties?”
“Oh,yeah.Youwon’tbeneedingthoseanymore.”Iswipethemoffthegroundandtosstheminthegarbagewithallthepapertowels.
Weregardeachotherforabeat.ShealwayshasalookofwonderonherfacewhenIdoorsaysomethingplayful.Itpissesmeoffandthrillsmeallatonce.It’slikenoonehasevenattemptedtomakethiswomanlaugh.
“Aren’tyougoingtoaskmeifI’vebeenwithanyoneelse?”
“No.”
Herbrowsdrawtogether.“Whynot?”
Ireachforherhandandtugheralongwithmetowardthedoor.“BecauseIdon’tcare.”
“Okay,well,Ihaven’t.”
Iturnthelockandsmirkatherovermyshoulder.“Iknow.”
Shestompsherfootinfauxoutrage.“Howdoyouknow?MaybeI’vehadsomuchsex.”
“Nah,”Isay,asweheadintothedarkenedhallway,“CadillacRanch”filteringtomyearsfromthedancefloor.“There’dbenopointsinceI’mtheonlyonewhocanmakeyoucome.”28Winter
Winter:I’veneverseenamorebeautiful,vibrantbrideinmylife.Iloveyou,Summer.Congratulations.
Summer:IsthisyourwayofexplainingwhyIsawyousneakingout,holdingacertainbullrider’shand?
Winter:Ijustneededabreak.I’llbeback!
Summer:Areyoucrazy?Don’tcomeback.TakeTheoandgobehappy.Makesomemorecutebabies.Rhettsayshe’llkickhisassifhe’snotgoodtoyou.
***
Theo’shandiswarmandstrong.Itswallowsmine.Hedoesn’tgripmehard,butIfeelthecallousesofhispalms.Ifeelhisthumbrubbingagainstme.
ThefactIonlyrecentlymadeamendswithmysisterandnowwanttoduckoutofherweddingtogetmoredickseemsbad…butisit?
Attheendofthehallway,Iseeaflashofherspinningonthedancefloorandgetthedistinctimpressionthatshewouldn’tmissmeifIleft.
LeavingwithTheoandspendingaleisurelynightwithhishandsonmesoundslikeadream.Wakingupwithhimsoundslikeadreamtoo.
Butmydreamshaveawayofcrashingdownaroundme,whichiswhathappenswhenwehittheendofthewalkway.
Werunintomydad.
Hestepsacrossthemouthofthehall,armscrossed,eyesnarrowed.
Andmystomachdrops.I’magoddamnadult.Hisopinionshouldn’tmeanshittomeaftertheabsenteerolehe’splayedinmylife.
Butitdoes
BecauseI’veseenhowheiswithSummer.Andithurts.BecauseI’mhistoo.I’vebeenhereallalong,andhepretendsIhaven’t.
“Caretoexplainyourself,Silva?”Hisvoiceiscoolandaccusatory.
ButtheoneTheorespondswithispureice,oneI’veneverheardhimusewithanyone.“NottoyouIdon’t.”
“Areyoufuckingkiddingme,boy?You’vehadmydaughterbackthereforfartoolongtobegivingmethatkindofattitude.Andthebaby?Clearly,youhavesomethingstotellme.”
Theostraightens,takinganincrementalstepinfrontofme,shieldingmewithhisbody.Hechuckles,butit’snothisusualwarmlaughterthatmakesmytummyflip.
Thisismorelikeagrowl.
“Actually,Kip,Idohaveafewthingstotellyou.First,refertomydaughteragainasthebaby,likeshedoesn’thaveaname,andI’llfuckinglayyouout.Second,I’llbeatyourofficeonMondaymorning.BringGeoff.Idon’twanttofireyouatyourdaughter’swedding.Itwouldbeinpoortaste.Lastly,ifyouthinkyoudeservetostakesomesortofclaimonthiswomanasyourdaughter,youhavesomeserioussoul-searchingtodo.Thegirlonthedancefloor?”HepointsoverKip’sshoulderatSummer,whoiswatchingusnow.“That’syourdaughter.Thiswomanhere?She’sDr.Hamiltonuntilyoutuckthatscalyfuckingtailbetweenyourlegsandcomemakeamendswithher.”
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,myfatherappearstobeatalossforwords.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,someonehascometomydefense.
“Nowgetoutofmyway,Kip.Iwanttogohomeandbewithmygirls.”
Home.Mygirls
Myheartplungesintomystomach.Itfloatsandflips,rollingaroundineverywarm,mushyfeelingI’veneverfelt.
IwishIknewwhattosaytomydad,butIdon’t.Andforonce,Idecideleaningonsomeoneelsetotakecareofmemightbeokay.
IgivemydadmybesticyglareasIpassbyhim.
AndIhaveanotherfirstbecausemyicyexteriorisn’treflectingthewayI’mfeelinginside.
WithTheo,IfeelthesamewayIfeelwithVivi—inlove.Butit’stoosoon.Toofast.I’mstilltooraw.So,IsettheterrifyingthoughtasideandleaveitforlaterwhenI’mthinkingmoreclearly.Whenmylegsaren’tstillshakingfromthewayIjustfellapartforhim.
“Dr.Hamilton,huh?”Imurmurasweclearthedoorsandheadintothegravelparkinglot.
Theopullsmeuptohimandslingsanarmovermyshoulderasheleadsustohistruck.Allswaggerandconfidence.Allprotectiveandloyal.Hismouthdropstomyearandhewhispers,“Dr.Hamiltoninthestreets,filthyslutinthesheets.”
AndIlaugh.
NoonecanmakemelaughthewayTheoDaleSilvadoes.
***
“You’rebeingquiet.DidIgotoofar?Ittakesalottomakememad.ButwhenIgetthere?Iblowagasket.”
Thedrivebacktoourhousesisshort,buthe’sright.Ihaven’tbeentalking.Theonlysoundinthetruck’scabhasbeenthemutedsoundofcountrymusicfilteringfromtheradio.BecauseI’vebeenthinking.
Overthinking.
“Youdidn’tgotoofar.You…”IshakemyheadasIstareoutthewindowatthedarkenedsidestreetsofChestnutSprings.“YouwerewhatI’vealwaysneededandneverhad.”
WhenIglanceoverathim,heseemspensive.Hisbrowshaveloweredinconcentration,likehe’sreallyturningmystatementover.
Andwhilehedoes,IblurtouttheotherthingI’vebeenthinkingabout.“Idon’twantyoutostaynextdooranymore.”
“What?”Helooksgutted.
“No.”Iholdahandup.“I’vebeenwordingthisamilliondifferentwaysinmyheadforthepasttenminutes.Tryingnottosoundtoobold,butalsonotwantingtocomeoffindifferent,whileworryingaboutseemingneedy.WhatImeanttosayis,Iwantyoutostaywithus.”
“Youdo?”
Istraighten,rollingmyshouldersbackasIsuckinacenteringbreath.It’simportantI’mashonestwithTheoasheiswithme.“Yes.I’vegrowntohateyoubeingnextdoorwhenIwishyouwerenexttome.Weshouldtrythisthingout.”
“Winter.”ThecheekygrinI’vecometolovegraceshisbeautifulface.Theonethatcomesrightbeforesomepunchylittleremark.Theonethatmakesmesmilebeforehe’sevensaidathing.“Doyoulikeme?”
Ibarkoutalaughinthequiettruckandthenstaredownatmyhands,twistingmyfingerstogether.“IthinkImorethanlikeyou.”
“BecauseI’myourbabydaddy?”
“No.”Imeethiseyesatthefinalredlightbeforewepulluptothehouse.“Becauseyoumakemelikemyself…andyou’retheonlyonewhoeverhas.”Iglanceaway,becausestaringathimfeelsliketoomuch.Tooheavy.
ButterfliesflutterinmystomachasIstressabouthowhemightrespondtomyvulnerability.ButintypicalTheofashion,hedoestheexactrightthingattheexactrighttime.
Hetakesmyhandandrubscircleswithhisthumbuntilwepullupinfrontofmyhouse.Whenhehopsout,Istayseated.Heneverrespondedtostayingwithme.
Maybewithhismomhere,he’dratherbemoresubtle.
Hesaidhewantedtogetmessywithme,butit’spossibleheforgotwhatahugemessIreallyam.
Butwhenhetugsmydooropenandsays,“Let’sgo,Tink,”Iknowtheonlyreasonhedidn’trespondisbecausehedidn’tneedto.Ishouldknow.He’stoldmeenoughtimes.
Igetthesensehe’llgivemeeverythingifIwantit.Ijustneedthenervousvoiceinsidemyheadtoshutthehellup.Shesabotagesme.
AndIdon’twanttosabotagethisrelationship.
AsTheoliftsmeoutofthetrucklikeI’maprincessandwalksmeupthefrontstepstoourdaughter,IrealizethatIreally,reallywantthis.
Hedoesn’ttreatmelikeachildorplacateme.Hedoesn’tplaystupid,passive-aggressivemindgamesorgaslightmeintoagreeingwithhimthewayRobalwaysdid.
HeletmestruggleinthedeependwithfiguringoutwhatIwantandwasthere.Theretolendahand.TheretostepinwhenIwastootiredtokeepmyselfafloat.
Theohasn’toversteppedortriedtocontrolme.Hefithimselfintomychaoticdynamicwithoutcomplaint.I’mnotsureifhedidthatonpurpose,orifitjusthappenednaturally,likeitalwayshaswithus.
Histhumbneverstopsbrushingagainstmine,evenasweenterthehouse.EvenwhenwecomefacetofacewithhismomwatchingherGrey’srerunsonthecouch.
“Youtwowannasitdownandwatchanepisode?”
Hedoesn’tmakeashowofwhathesaysnext.Itcomesoutsoeasily.“Thanks,Ma.ButIthinkwe’regoingtoheadtobed.Wantmetowalkyouhome?”
Lorettagrinsatus,borderlinemaniacallyashereyeslandonourlinkedfingers.“Nope.”Sheslapsherthighsasshepushestostand.“IthinkIcanfindmyway,seeingashowit’srightnextdoor.”
Afteracoupleofquickhugs,throughwhichTheokeepsagriponmyhand,sheseesherselfout.
Thenhe’sdraggingmedownthehallway.Wegostraightintomyroom,whereheshovesmeupagainstthedoor,slammingitshutashedropshismouthtomine.Hisabilitytogofromjokingaroundtostealingmybreathisunmatched.
Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandkisshimback,smilingagainsthislipswhilehishandsslideovermyass.
Butonlyforamoment.Becausewebothhearitandfreeze.
Myheadtipsbackonagroan.“Whyisshesomellowalldayandthensosensitiveatnight?”
Theopecksmymouthquicklyandsmiles.“Tointentionallyterrorizeyou,mostlikely.”
“I’mgoingtogetherbackwhenshe’solder.”
Heletsoutalowchuckle.“Petty.Ilikeit.I’llgrabherandtakesomemilkoutofthefreezer.Yougetreadyforbed.”
“Sexybedorregularbed?”Iaskasheopensthedoorandheadsacrossthehall.
“Youcouldwearanun’shabitanditwouldn’tstopme,”iswhathetossesbackbeforedisappearingintoVivi’sdarkenedroom.
Istandstill,likemyfeethavegrownrootstothefloor.Theo’sdeepmurmursfilterbacktome,alongwithVivi’scriesthatsoftenandcometoahaltashespeakstoher.
Isthiswhatitshouldbelike?
Kissesandjokes?
Anextrasetofhands?
I’mstruckbythemomentbecauseit’ssopedestrian.Sonormal.It’snotevenmovieworthy.
“Yes,theresheis.Yourmama.”Hislipspressagainstourdaughter’sdarkhairashemovesbackintoourroom,holdingher.
“Mama,”shegarblestheword,butwestillunderstandit.Myarmsreachoutautomaticallyashersstretchtowardme.
“Hi,Vivibaby.”IdustmynoseoverhersafewtimesasIgatherheragainstmychest,baskinginthatbabyscentIknowwon’tlast.
“Here,Mama,getsomesnuggles.I’llgrababottle.”
MyhandshootsouttocaptureTheo’swrist,stoppinghim.“It’sokay.Icanjustfeedher.We’realltired.”
It’snotlostonmeaswesitdownnexttoeachotherontheedgeofthebedthatIhaven’tbreastfedinfrontofTheo.Ihaven’tpumpedinfrontofTheo.That’sfeltintenselypersonal.LikesomethingIshouldhidefromhim,eventhoughLorettawalkedintheotherdayanddidn’tgivemeasecondglancewhensheasked,“Doll,doyouhaveanygardeningtools?I’mtacklingthefrontbedsatbothhousestoday,butIcan’tfindoneofthoselittlehandheldshovels.”
Itoldhertotrytheshed,andshegavemeathumbsupbeforewalkingbackout.
Bodiesdon’tmakemeuncomfortable,andIdon’tgenerallyfeelshyaboutmyown.It’sjust…Vivi’snursinghasbeensolelyourssincethedayshewasborn.Somethingwedidinthemiddleofthenightwhileitwasquiet,orpulledoverinarandomparkinglotwhenshewouldn’tstopcrying.Sometimes,inacarrierwhileIattemptedtomakemyselfsomethingtoeat,somybreastmilkwasnutritiousandnotjustglorifiedcoffee.
IpulldownthestrapofmydressandglanceoveratTheo,buthe’snotgawkingatmybody.Instead,hiseyeslingeronmyface.
“Whatwasitlikewhenshewasborn?Didshenurserightaway?”
MyhearttwistsandItakethisasmyturntotracemythumboverthepulsepointinhiswrist.“Yeah,fromdayone.Itfuckinghurtatfirsttoo.Icriedwhenshelatchedforthefirstbit.”
“Butyoudon’tcry.”Hewinksatme,andIrollmyeyes.Thosetwomotionsarelikeoursecrethandshakeatthispoint.
“Whatelse?”
“Hmm.Itwassuchablur.Iwassotiredbutcouldn’tsleep.I’dwakemyselfupevenwhenshewasstillsleepingtocheckifshewasstillbreathing.Myleftbreastproducedsomuchmilkthatitsquirtedherintheeyeonce.”
Hehuffsoutalaugh.“Really?”
Weglancedownather,nowstraddlingme,latchedon,holdingmybreastlikeit’sabottle.“IthinkIcouldhavefedanentirevillageofbabiesoffmyleftsidealone.It’stherealMVP.”
“Isthatwhythefreezerisfullofbreastmilk?”
Isnort.“Yeah,andI’vedonatedoverhalftothehospital.”
“Really?”
Inod,watchingVivi’sthicklashesgetheavy,herblinksgettingslowandlanguid.
“IwishI’dbeenthere.”
God.MychestcavesinonitselfinaTheo-shapedhole.
“IfeellikeI’vemissedsomanymomentsthatI’llnevergetback.”
Myhandsqueezesinapulseonhiswrist.“Youwon’t,butyou’llgetnewones.”
“I’mtryinghardnottooverstepwithherorbeoverbearing.Youtwofeelsoestablished,likethistightlittleduo.Teammates.”
“Youmightevensay…businesspartners?”
Theosnickers,bumpinghisshoulderagainstmine.
“Youandyourdamnbusinesspartners.”Hegivesherkneeasoftrubbeforeturningthoughtfulagain.“No,Ijustdon’twanttocomebetweenyoutwo.Ifeellikeaninterloperinthisprivateworldyou’vecreated.ButIjust…Icouldstareatherforever.Youknow?Ikeepgoingbacktomyplaceattheendofeveryday,butIfeellikeI’minthewronghouse.”
WhenIpeekdownatViviagain,she’snursedherselftosleep.Hertinyhandshavegonesoft,fingersfallingopen.
“Ifeelthesameway,”Iwhisper.“Here.”IlifthercarefullyasIturntoTheoandgentlyputhisdaughterintohisarms.“Ihaveanidea.”
Hisheadquirks,buthedoesn’targue.Instead,hesitsontheedgeofmybed,holdingourdaughter,wearingasuit,lookingsodamngoodithurts.Literally,thebackofmythroat,mychest,mystomach—theyallache.
IheadtotheensuitebathroomwhereIwashmyface,brushmyteeth,pulloutasparetoothbrushforTheo,andchangeintoapairofgrayjerseyCalvinKleinshortswithanoversizedmatchingcrewneck.
WhenIcomebacktothebedroom,mybodythrumsatthesightofTheo.Igetuponthebedandkneelbehindhim,handsonhisbroadshouldersasIstaredownatVivi’sperfectlittledollface.
Ontheonehand,IfeellikeIbarelyknowTheo.Ontheother,there’sthiscomfortwithhim.Thissenseofknowing.Ican’texplainit.AllIknowisI’veneverfeltit.Maybeit’sbecausewemadeawholenewhumanbeingtogether,butIthinkit’smore.
IthinkevenwithoutVivi,wemighthaveendedupbackineachother’slives
Ithinkhewouldhavemadesureofit.
Andthatthoughtwarmsmefromthetipsofmytoestothelittlefizzysensationbehindmyears.TheoSilvabarelyknewmebutneverforgotme.Henevergaveuponme.Hewascomingformewithasingle-mindednessthatIcan’tunderstand.
AndmaybeIdon’tneedto.
Maybenowit’smyturntolethimin.
“She’sperfect,right?”Irestmychinonhisshoulder.
“Perfect.”Hisfingertraceshernose,overherpudgycheek,andaroundtheshellofherear.
“Iputatoothbrushoutforyouinthebathroom.”
“Okay,”ishisquietreply,buthemakesnomovetoleavehisspotonthebed.WestareatherforIdon’tknowhowlong.ThenIwatchhimliftherandgetaclose-upviewofhimdustingasoftkisstoherforehead.
Mymouthgoesdry,becauseanhouragohebentmeoverandmademeblushharderthanIeverhave.Andnowhe’sallbulgingmusclesandsweetkisseswhilehedotesonourdaughter.
Anditisthemostintoxicatingcombination.
Hetwists,handingherovertome,notfailingtokissmyforehead.Andthenhepadsawayquietly,appearingintrospective.
Sadandhappy.
Ikeepthinkingthisentirethinghastofeeloverwhelmingtohim,buthe’sgivennosignofthatbeingthecase.Hejustkeepsshowingupwithasmirkandawink.Everydamnday.
Carefully,Iturnonthebed,lyingVividowninthecenterbeforeputtingmyheaddownonthepillowwithadeepsigh.
Todaywas…alot.
MyeyesgrowheavyassoonasIgohorizontal,buttheclickofTheoflickingthebathroomlightoffdrawsmebacktowaking.
Hejuststandsthere—untuckeddressshirt,chiseledjaw,furrowedbrow—staringatthebedlikehe’sconfusedaboutwhattodonext.
“Theo.Cometobed.”
“Really?Withbothofyou?”Insecurityflashesonhisface.
“Yeah.”Ipatthepillow.“She’sprobablygoingtokickyouallnight.It’snotasadorableasyouthink.”
Withanod,heremoveswhat’sleftofhissuit,andItrynottoeye-fuckhiminhisboxersduringwhatshouldbeawholesomefamilymoment.
Ifail.
“You’relookingatmethesamewayyoudidthatnightatthegasstation.”
“No,rightnowisworse.ThatnightIwasguessinghowyou’dlookunderyourclothes.Tonight,Iknow.”
Hislipstwistasheapproachesthebed,thelightfromthebedsidelampplayingovereverylineinhischiseledbody.He’smorecutthanIremember.Hisabs,thelineofhisquadmuscledownthefrontofhisthighasheplacesakneeonthebed.ThelonghoursspentatHamiltonAthleticshavesomehowmadehimevenmoremouth-watering.HisfistspushintothemattressashehoversoverVivi,musclesripplingonhisforearms.
Withasoftexpressiononhisface,hisdarkeyes,deeplikethedarkestchocolate,flittomine.“Thankyou,Winter.”
Partofmewantstoaskifhemeansforlettinghimsleephere,butI’dbeplayingdumb.Iknowhe’sthankingmeforsomuchmore.Ifeelitinthewaymyheartpoundsundertheweightofhisgaze.
Sayingyou’rewelcomedoesn’tseemrighteither,soIsaywhatI’vebeenthinkingsincethemomentheshowedupandmadeithismissiontomakemylifebetter.“Thankyou,Theo.”
MytonguetracesmylipsasIstarebackathim.“Getinandstareatyourgirlallnightifyouwantto.”
Iturnandclickthelightoffbeforeheresponds.Onlyasilver-bluelightfiltersinthroughthewindow,andslowlymyeyesadjusttothedarkenedroom.Theo’sonhisside,handsfoldedunderhischeek.
ButIgetthesenseheisn’tonlystaringatVivi.He’sstaringatmetoo.Hisgirls.
“Hey,Theo?”Iwhisper,reachingacrosstodustmyfingersoverhisforeheadandintohishair.
“Yeah?”
“You’renotaninterloper.You’reherdad.”
***
WhenIwakeup,sunlightstreamsthroughthewindows.Theoisoutcoldonhisback,thatsquarejawlinedustedinjusttherightamountofstubble.Hesleepspeacefullywithhislipspartedgently,hisdarklashesfanneddownovergoldenskin.
MygazetracestheapexofhisAdam’sapple,downoverhistonedchest,towhereourlittlegirlhasfull-onstarfishedoverherdad’schest.Hisbroadpalmsencasehertinyribcage,andherheadrestsrightwhereIknowshemustbeabletohearhisheartbeating.
Ilaidmyheadthereonce,almosttwoyearsago.Iremembertryingtocatchmybreath,tryingtowrapmyheadaroundhowsomeoneIbarelyknewcouldmakemefeelsogood.Sorelaxed.
Butthisisdifferent.
Thisisbetter.
Ijustliehereinahappysunnybubble,lettingmyheadandmyheartworkaroundit.
Itfeelsgood.
Itfeelslikehome.29Theo
Winter:Pleasedon’tdosomethingthatwilllandyouinprison.
Theo:Can’tmakeanypromises.
Winter:Please?I’dstillbailyouout,butI’dbemadatyou.
Theo:Youbeingmadatmegetsmehard.Angrysexisfun.Thisisnotadeterrent.
Winter:MaybeIwouldn’tbailyououtatall.
Theo:Nah.You’dmissmydicktoomuch.
Winter:No.I’dmiss*you*.
***
“Phone?”IplacemyhandontheconferenceroomtablewhereKipandGeoffsitacrossfromme.Kipisstone-facedandhisemployeeisnervous—asheshouldbe—whenheplacesthephoneinmypalm.
“WhatdidItellyoutodowithmyphone,Geoff?”Iask,voiceclippedasIswipeintothephoneandpullupthetextmessageswithoutevenglancinginhisdirection.
Isearch“T”andtheretheyare.Tink.Iglancethroughthem,butthey’rehardtolookat.Theygutme.KnowingWinterlikeIdonow,Ican’thelpbutthinkabouthowbadlythismusthavehurther.
Yesterdaywespentthedayinbedandreallydugintothoseearlydays.Wetalkedaboutherparentsandherchildhood.Icooked.Welaughed.SheandVivinapped,andIlaynexttothem,watchingthemsleep.
Foroneday,welivedinthemostperfectbubble.
AndnowI’moutforblood.
“To,uh,respondtoyourmessages?Postsomepicturesonyoursocials?”
“Andwhataboutanyimportantorpersonalmessagesthatcamethrough?”
“Forwardthemtoyou.”Hegivesmeeagernods,likehe’sproudofhiswork
Islidethephoneacrossthetabletothetwomenandleanbackinthechair,knittingmyhandsbehindmyheadandcrossingabootedfootovermykneeasIwaitforthemtoread.
It’sfascinatingtowatch.Astheyscroll,it’slikeallthecolorthatdrainsoutofGeoff’sfaceistransferredintoKip’sbyosmosis.
Oneturnswhitewhiletheotherturnsred.
“Thatseemslikeaprettyimportantsetofmessagestopassalong,wouldn’tyousay,Geoff?”
“Ithought—”
“Youthoughtyou’drespondasme?Toawomantellingmeshe’spregnantwithmybaby?Andthat’showyouresponded?”
“Ithought—”
“Nah.”Isitforwardabruptly,myelbowshittingthetableloudlyenoughtostartlehim.“Youdidn’tthinkatall.”
“Ididyouafavor!Youwantedtocleanupyourimage.Yougetallsortsofcrassmessagesonthatthing.Womenaskingyouforstuff,sendingyouthingsI’drathernotsee.Thiswasnodifferent.”
“Thiswasmydaughter,”Ihiss,swipingthephonebackfromhisincapablehands.“AndImissedherbirthalongwiththefirstninemonthsofherlifebecauseyou’reajudgmentalpieceofshitwhooversteppedhisboundaries.”
Geoffswallowsanddropsmygaze.
“Youdidn’tknow?”Kip’svoicesoundshollow,hisjawpoppingashelooksbetweenGeoffandme
“OfcourseIdidn’tknow.Whatkindofassholedoyoutakemefor?”
“Winternevertoldme.”
“Shenevertoldanyonebecauseeveryonealwaystreatsherlikeshit!”MyfistslamsdownhardenoughtorattlethetableasIletthemhaveit.“Hermom.You.Hershittyfuckingex,whoisstillharassingher.She’sconvincedsheneedstodoeverythingalonebecausethat’swhatyoushowedherallherlife.Thatnoonewillshowupforher.Thateveryonealwaysabandonsher.”
TheboardroomisquietasIsuckairinthroughmynostrils,tryingtocalmmyselfdown.“Exceptme.I’mgoingtoshowupforher.Everygoddamntime.SoKip,you’refired.Iusedtolikeyou,butInolongerrespectyou.AndGeoff,ifIcouldfireyoutwice,Iwould.Youfuckingsuck.”
Itwasanimmaturefinalblow.Butman,Geofffuckingsucks.
WhenIstand,Kipdoestoo.
Hemeetsmeatthedoorandshakesmyhand.Hard.“Theo,youmaynotrespectme,butIrespectthehelloutofyou,andIwishyouthebest.AndI’m…I’mgoingtomakethisright.”
Idon’tthinkhe’stryingtomakemefeelbad,buthedoes.Badforhim.Idon’tthinkKipisashittypersonatheart,buthe’saflawedone.Weallare.Hisbestwasn’tgoodenough.Maybehetriedtobeagoodfathertothemboth.Ican’tsayforsure.ButwhatIdoknowishefailed.Monumentally.
AndIthinkhejustrealizedit.Icanseethedevastationonhisface.
“Thankyou,sir,”isallIgivebackbeforeturningtoleave.
AsIgo,Ihearhimsay,“Geoff,packyourshitupandgetthehelloutofmyoffice.Ineverwanttoseeyourfaceagain.”
IsmiletomyselfasIheadtotheelevator,becauseGeoffgotfiredtwicetodayafterall.Andthatmakesmehappy.
***
WhenIpullupintothedrivewayofWinter’shouse,there’safancycarparkedonthestreet,linedrightupwiththefrontgate.Inmytruck,Iwatchthevehiclethroughtherear-viewmirror.Iseemovement,butthetintedwindowsonthecarobscureanyfurtherdetail.
NotthatIneedmuchmoretomakeaguess.Winterhasbeentight-lippedaboutherex,asidefrommentioningheneverwentdownonher.Whichisenoughtoletmeknowhe’suseless,nomatterwhatthepieceofpaperhanginginagaudygoldframebehindhisdeskmightsay.
I’malreadyfiredupfrommymeetingwithKip,soIdecidetorollwiththatenergy.Igrabmyemptypapercoffeecupandstepdownfrommypickuptoapproachthecar.
ThreeloudknocksonthewindowarehowIannouncemyself.Whentheglassfinallyrollsdown,I’mmetwiththefaceofamanwholookslikehe’sdoinghisbestimpressionofthedoucheytrustfundbabyex-boyfriendinLegallyBlonde
Ibetthisguyhas“thethird”tackedontotheendofhislegalname.
“Hey,man.Youlost?SomethingIcanhelpyoufind?”
Hissmileisgreasyandterse.Notrealatall.“Yeah,buddy.”He’salsocondescending,butI’mnotsurprised.“Justheretoseemywife.”
Wife.Thatwordmakesmewanttobreaksomething.
Ipropahandonthetopofhiscar,pullingmysunglassesofftolookhimintheeye.“Nomarriedwomenlivehere.Butifyou’reheretoharassyourex-wifebyhand-deliveringbills,she’llneverpay.I’lltakethatenveloperightthereonthepassengerseatandsaveyouatriptothemailbox.CauseIpromiseyou…”Ileaninandlowermyvoice.“Ifyoukeepshowingupherelikeafuckingstalker,allyou’regonnadoismakeitrealeasytogetarestrainingorder.”
Heglaresatme,teethclenchedtight.Toomuchofacowardtorespond.SoIneedlehimwhereIknowit’llhurt.“Wouldn’tbehardtoconsultmylawyerfriendaboutit.YouknowSummerHamilton,don’tyou?”
“Whothefuckdoyouthinkyouare?”hebitesout,handstwistingonhissteeringwheel.
Ismirk.“Justaguywhoknowsthemedicalboardwouldhavequestionsaboutwhysomeonehadtotakearestrainingorderoutagainstyou.”
Hescoffs,givingmeanexaggeratedonce-overwithanalmostimpressiveleveloffakebravado.“Igetitnow.Enjoymyleftovers.”Hetossestheenvelopeoutthewindow,anditsailspastme.
Imakenomovetopickitup.I’mtoobusysmilingatDr.RobValentine.“She’snoone’sleftovers,andI’vebeenenjoyinghersincebeforeyoueversawthedivorcepapers,buddy.”
Ishouldn’thavesaidit,butmypatienceforassholesisshottoday.
Hisonlyresponseistorevtheenginewhilestillinpark,likewe’regonnaraceorsomething.Butthejoke’sonhim,becauseIalreadywon.
Winterisn’thisleftovers.She’sthegemtoopreciousforhimtokeep.
“Youdrivesafenow,”IcalloutoverthesoundofhisengineasIknockonhisroof.
Ashepullsaway,Itossmyemptycoffeecupinthroughhisfrontwindow.Justtobepetty.
ThenIstandthere,armscrossedovermychest,watchinghimgunittotheendofthestreet.Herollsthroughthestopsignliketherulesdon’tapplytohim.HislicenseplatereadsDRHEARTandIgrimaceatthesight.
Solame.
“Didyouthrowapieceofgarbageintohiscar?”Wintershoutsonalaughfromthefrontporch.
“Justputtingitinthetrash,Tink!”Iturn,swipingtheenvelopeoffthegrassboulevard,andgrinather.ShehasVivislungonherhip.Blondehairpulledbackinaloosebraid,littlewispssneakingouttoframeherfacelikeahalo.
ThefaceIspendaninordinateamountoftimestaringatbecauseIcannevergetenough.
“So,nowyou’vemetRob…”sheutters.
“Yes.Suchapleasure.”
Truthfully,Ihatehimmorethanhedeserves.WhatIwanttofeelisindifferent.ButI’mnotthereyet.
Ihatehimbecausehealmosthadallofthisinsteadofme,andthecircumstancesthatledmeherestillfeelsofraughtandfragile.I’mnotaninsecureperson,butnowandthenathoughtpopsup.Athoughtlike…
WithoutVivi,wouldWinterbeinterestedinme?
Idowell,butIdon’tdriveaMcLarenorownamassiveMcMansionandIdidn’tgotouniversity.
ButIbrushthosethoughtsoff.Thisisnew.Thesefeelingsarenormal.Plus,I’mtheonewalkingupthefrontsidewalktothewomanwho’sbeenstuckinmyheadforalmosttwoyears.
“Ican’tbelieveyoumarriedaguywithapersonalizedlicenseplate.Thatmightbetheworstpartofitall.”
“Hethoughtitwassowitty.”
“Icanthinkofalotofwordsforhim,butafterthatexchange,wittyisnotoneofthem.”
“Sorry.”WinternibblesatherbottomlipasItakeacoupleofstairsatatimetostandbeforeher.
“Winter,apologizeforhimagain,andI’lltakeyouovermyknee.”
Hereyeswiden,andIreachforVivi.Ineedahugafterthelastfewhoursandsomethingaboutasquishybabyjusthitsdifferent.Thewaysherakesherfingersthroughmystubble.Thewayshesmells.ThewayshebabblesawayatmelikeIunderstandherhappylittlenonsenselanguage.
“Ithoughthe’dhavegivenupbynow.HedidthistoSummertoo.”
CuppingthebackofWinter’shead,Ipressaroughkisstoherforehead,brushingmystubbleagainsthertempleasItugherintome.
Thethreeofus.
JustbecauseIcan.
“Well,whathappenedwhenhegotreportedforallthat?Imean,Summerwashispatient.Aminor.”
Shestills.“Ineverreportedhim.”
Idrawaway.“What?”
Wintersighs,andit’saheavy,exhaustedsigh.“Iwasgoingto,buthetrappedmeinaplacewhereIcan’t,andheknowsit.”
“Whycan’tyou?”
Vivifusses,gettingsickofbeingcarried.Shewantstocrawlandcruiseandclimbandchannelherinnerdaredevil.So,Ibounceonthespot,hopingthatentertainsher.
“BecauseifIdo,itwilldragSummerintoit.That’swhat’salwaysheldmeback.She’sfinallyhappy.Finallyfreeofallthatshit.AndIdon’twanttodothattoher.HeknowsIwon’t.That’stheonlyreasonhefeelssecureenoughtokeepshowinguphere.”
Igritmyteeth.Ihatethis,especiallyforWinter.ButIalsohateitformyselfbecauseIhatethefeelingsitstirsup.Jealousyandinsecurityandanxiety.
Idon’tlikeRobValentine,andmorethanthat,Idon’ttrusthim.
“Well,Itoldhimhe’smakingagreatcaseforarestrainingordertoday.”Winternods,twistingherlipstogether.“What?”
“Idon’tknow.He’sjustso…prideful.Ihopedhewouldeventuallygetboredandfuckoff.I’vethoughtaboutthethingsIcoulddo,theactionIcouldtake.Butthetruthis,Ijustwanttobesoinconsequentialthathegetsboredwithmeandmoveson.”
Ireachforthescreendoorandopenitforhertowalkthrough.“Idon’tthinkhe’smovingon.”
“No,Idon’tthinkheis,”shesays,assheducksbackinside.“ButI’lldealwithit.Idon’twantyoutoworry.”
Isnortandlockthedoorbehindus.
HowcanInotworrywhentwoofthemostimportantpeopleinmylifearelivingunderthisroofandI’mweeksawayfromgoingontheroadagain?
“How’ditgowithmydad?”
“Verysatisfying.Iamofficiallyagentless,andGeoffisjobless,”Ireply,kickingmylace-upbootsoff.“Howabouthere?”
Winterisstandinginthemiddleofthehouse,wearingrippeddenimshortsandabaggyHamiltonAthleticsT-shirt.Lookingalltannedandluminousandtinyintheopenspace.
Sheshrugsandglancesaway,notabletomeetmyeyes.“Honestly,wekindofmissedyou.”
“We?”IquirkabrowasIapproachher.“DidVivitellyouthat?”
Sherollshereyesatme.“No.”
“So,howdoyouknow?”Itoweroverhernow,waitingforhertoturnherfaceuptomine.I’mtryingnottogetmyhopesupthatshemightgivemealittlesomethingtoday.
OnadaywhenIneedit.
Herchintipsup,blueeyessocrystalclear,alightshimmerofglossonherlips.
“Okay.Fine.Imissedyou,”sheconfesses.
Andthenshehugsme.30Winter
Summer:What.The.Fuck.Isthisaweddinggift?
Winter:Lmao.It’sthereasonIwaspissedyouweren’tdoingaformalgiftopening.Iwantedtoseeyourface.
Summer:Wheredidyougetthis?
Winter:Ifounditinaboxalongtimeagoandtookit.
Summer:THISISTHEORIGINALPAGE?
Winter:No.It’stheexactadyouhadofRhetttapedtoyourwall,butblownup,printed,andstretchedoncanvas.Theoriginalisinanenvelopetapedtothebackalongwithatravelvoucher.
Summer:Wecan’tstoplaughing!It’ssobig!Idon’tevenknowwhereI’mgoingtoputthis.Thisisthebestgiftever!
Winter:Hahaha.I’msohappyyoubothloveit.I’dliketosuggestaboveyourbed.Foroldtime’ssake.
Summer:Iamdead.Youkilledme.Bestever.
Summer:*photoofRhettstandingbesidetheprintgrinningandgivingathumbsup*
***
“Okay,Vivi.SayDada.”
Sittinginherhighchair,Vivipicksuptinypiecesofbananaandstuffstheminhermouth.Watchingme.Butnotbabbling.Lately,whenTheoisout,I’vestartedtryingtogethertopickuptheword.Theomissedmilestonesduringthetimehedidn’tknowaboutus,andIknowthatmakeshimsad.Melancholy.Hewon’tallowhimselftofeelthatthough.He’sperpetuallyhappy,andthatshitisgoingtocatchupwithhimoneday.
It’snotnormal.
“Da.Da,”Itryagain.
Shesmilesandpointsatme.“Mama.”
Myrespondinggrinisautomatic.Mama.SometimesIfeellikeIneedtopinchmyself.Iwantedthissobadlyforsolongthatithardlyfeelsreal.
“WhereisDada?”Iturnslowly,takinginthewholeroom,whichhasVivirespondinginkind.Herlittlefingersgripthesidesofhertrayashertinybodyrotatesinplace.
Shesaysabunchofwords,buttheydon’tmeanshit.I’vestrungmorecoherentsentencestogetherafterwaytoomuchtequila.
ButIgoalongwithitanyway.
“Oh,youthinkso?”
Happybabblingisherresponse.
“He’satworkrightnow,justacrossthebacklaneatAuntySummer’sgym.”
Atinyhootingsound.
“Youmisshim?Honestly,same.It’sweird.Andconfusing.”
Ahum.
“Well,becausehe’ssohandsome,mybrainstopsworkingwhenhe’saround.Andhe’ssosweetmyheartforgetsit’sbeenbrokensobadlyinthepast.”
ShetossesapieceofbananaonthefloorandthewetslappingnoiseitmakeshasPeterskiddingoutfromwhereverhewassleepingtohooveritup.
Deafmyass
“Da!”
MyheadwhipsbacktoVivi,butshe’spointingatPeter.
IdecideIwillnevertellTheothatI’mfairlycertainshesaiddogbeforeDad.
“Dada?Weshouldgovisithim?Vivi,that’ssuchamarvelousidea.”
So,that’swhatIdo.Igrabmygymbagandourbaby,takingalongmybrokenbrainandmendedheart,andheadoutthebackdoortoseeTheo.
***
“Whyrightnow?”
“BecauseIneedtoworkout.”ItightenthestrapsofthecarrieronSummer’sshoulders.
“But…rightnow?”
“Yes,rightnow.”
Iwasn’tlyingwhenIsaidImissedTheothismorning.AndthenthingsbecameawkwardwithRobandmydad,sowebarelytalked.Andquitefrankly,I’mfeelingalittlesensitivewhereTheoDaleSilvaisconcerned.
“I’mtrainingrightnow.”ShegesturesovertoRhettandJasper,whoarechattinginfrontofabunchofstackableboxesthatIknowshemakesthemjumponto.
“Pfft.”Isnaptheclipshutoverhershoulders.“Theydon’tcount.Plus,Vivitoldmeshewantstohangoutwithyouforawhile.”
Summerlooksdownathernieceandsmiles,hervoicechangingtothissweetbabytonesheonlyuseswithVivienne.“Oh,well,whydidn’tshejustsaythatfirst?ThereisnooneI’dratherhangoutwith.”
Vivigrins,hertwobottomteethjuttinguplikeajack-o’-lanternmouth,andsheletsoutabubblylaugh.
“EvenTheoisbookedupthough.We’realwaysbusyfromnowuntilarounddinnertime.Youjust…”
IzoneheroutandscopetheplaceforTheo.Iknowhecomeshereintheafternoonstowork.I’veneverthoughttwiceaboutit,butheseemedonedgewhenhewalkedoutofmyhousetoday.
Hedidn’tkissme.Hejustsaid,“Ihaveclients.I’llbebacktomakeyouladiesdinner.”Hewinked,butthenheleft.Andmyminddidthatthingitdoeswhereitimaginedalltheplaceshemightgo,andwhohemightbewith,andwhatifhemeetssomeonelesscomplicatedandinsecurethanme?
Andwhocouldblamehimforwantingthat?
So,Idecidedthebestwaytoeasemymindwastocomeseeformyselfthathewasatthegym.Working.Andnotbangingsomehottwenty-year-oldwithsymmetricalbreasts.
“AreyoulookingforTheo?”
“Yes.”
“He’soverthere.”SummertiltsherheadtowardtheoppositecorneroftheturfareawhereTheoisstaringathiswatchassomehottwenty-year-oldwithverybig,veryevenbreastspushesametalsledwithheavyplatesacrossthefloor.
“Doyoutrainplayboybunniesheretoo?”
Summersnorts.“No,butwithalltheathleteswhotrainherenow,I’dbelyingifIsaidthefemaleclientelehasn’ttakenonadifferentvibe.ItusedtobetheoldladiesattheirZumbaclassesgawking.Now,Ihavegirlswhodriveoutfromthecitytotrainhereseveraltimesaweek.”
“Well,huh.”Iglancedownatmyfingernails,tryingtodecidewhatcolorI’lldonext.Perhapsgreen,togowithhowI’mfeelingrightnow.“I’msurethat’sgreatforbusiness.”
“Winter…”There’sawarmthtomylittlesister’svoice.“Areyou—”
“Jealous?”Iwhisper-shout.“Insanely.Areallhisclientssohot?”
Summerlaughs.Shestraightoutlaughsatmeandmyspiral.“Win,I’veneverseenyousofiredupover…anything.Thisisadorable.”
“Shutup.”Mylipstwitch.
“I’mjustsohappy!”
“Summer,gobesentimentalsomewhereelse.Itmakesmeuncomfortable.”
Herheadtipsbackandshebarksoutanevenlouderlaugh,notatalloffendedbyme,beforeshegoesbacktotorturinghernewhusbandandtheirfamilyfriendwithhernieceinherarms.
Andme?IdotheroutineTheosetupforme.Todaymightnotbeproofofit,butIfeelbettereverytimeIcomehere.Alittlecalmer.Alittlemoreconfident.Alittlemoreincontrolofmylife.
Fromthelegpress,Ipeekathim,wonderingifIshouldhavesaidhi.Idecidethatseemsmoreinsanethanthisalreadyis.
WhenIcompleteanotherset,IgiveanotherglancearoundtheedgeoftheplateIpressmyfeeton.Hehasn’tnoticedme,whichisfine.Helooksfocused.Perfectlyprofessional.Itakeabreakfromspyingwhenhishandstouchthewoman’sshoulderstoadjustherposition.
That’showmyentireworkoutgoes—rapblaringinmyearbuds,eyeswanderingtoTheoSilvaandthenwishingtheyhadn’t.
Ifindmyselftiredofmycovertoperationandgiveuponbeingdiscreet.I’mlaidoutonTheBenchdoingmyfinalsetofcruncheswhenTheoapproaches.
Hecrouchesbesidemybody,onewarmhandovermyknee,hotbreathagainsttheshellofmyearasIkeepmygazefixedontheceiling.“Excuseme,ma’am?I’dliketoremindyoutosanitizethisbench.Lasttimeyouusedit”—hisvoicedropslower—“youcamesohardthatyousoakedmyface.”
Mycheeksredden.“Thatjokegetslessfunnyeverytime.”
“No.Itdoesn’t.”Hisstubblebrushesagainstmyear.
“Whatareyoudoing?Aren’tyouworking?”
“Yeah,butthenIsawyou.Didn’tknowyouwerehere.AndIwasn’tgoingtokeepgoingwithoutcomingovertosayhitomygirl.”
Iturnandfinallymakeeyecontact.“AmI?”
“Areyouwhat?”
“Yourgirl?”
“That’swhatIkeeptryingtotellyou.Ineedtogetyourhearingchecked.TakeyouandPetertothevetonceandforall.”
“Ijustdidn’tknowifwewerelike…athingthing.Likeinpublicandstuff.”MyhandwavesaroundnervouslyasIcompletelyskipoverhisjoke.
“Oh.Hmm…”Hesettlesback,peeringaroundthegym.AndIlookaway,thatmeanlittlevoiceinmyheadsayingSee?Itoldyou
Hisfirmfingersgripmychinandturnmyfacebacktohim.“Winter,weareathing.Wearethething.Weareit.”
Andthenhekissesme.Inthemiddleofthegym.Whenheshouldbepayingattentiontothegirlwiththeevenboobs.
Hefindsme
Hekissesme
Hebelongstome
IthoughtIhadthatoncewhenIdidn’t.
Butthemanwhoiskissingmenow?Outintheopenforlongerthanisappropriate?
Heisnotthesameman.
He’sabetterone.
Histonguetakesonefinalswipethroughmymouthbeforehepullsaway,glitteringonyxeyeshyper-focusedonmyface.“I’moffatseven.Thenwe’regoingout.”
“Out?”
“Yeah.Dinner.Abar.Something.Adate.”
“Adate?”
Hesmiles,pushingtostandoverme.“Yeah.Wehaven’tdoneoneofthoseyet,havewe?Wearasluttydressforme.”
“Arewehavingtequilaagain?”
Heturnsawaywitharumblingchuckle.“Sure,Tink.I’lllickitoffyouwhenwegethome,”iswhathecallsback.
Loudenoughthatpeoplestare.AndIdon’tevenmind.
***
“Onedance.”
HowdidIlethimtalkmeintocominghereafterourbeautifulsteakdinner?TheRailspurisabigcountrybarintown.Ithaselevatedwesternvibeswithindustrialfixturesandwarmwoodfinishings.It’salsopacked.
“Theo.”
Hesaidhewantedtoshowmeoff.That’show.AndIfellforit.Hook,line,andsinker.
“Winter.”
“It’sacountrybar.Idon’tknowhowto”—Ipointatthebusydancefloor—“whateverthatis.Doyou?”
“Two-step?”
“Yeah.Youdon’tevenseemthatcountrytome.”
Hisfacescrunchesup.“Igrewuponaranch.Iridebullsforaliving.Whatmoredoyouwantfromme?”
“Idon’tknow.You’vealwaysgotcombatbootsandatightT-shirton.Andflannelorwhatever.WherearetheWranglers?Whereisthecowboyhat?”
“That’smyuniformatwork.Partofthesport.Idon’thavetodressthatwayallthetime.ShouldIpickupatwangyTexasaccentandstartkeepingapieceofhaybetweenmyteeth?ShouldIlearntoplaythebanjo?”
Ishudder.“No.Pleasedon’t.ThatkidfromDeliverancereallyruinedtheinstrumentforme.”
Heshoveshishandoutatme.“Let’sgo.”
He’salreadydraggingmetowardthecrowdofpeople.Iknowourfriendsareheretoo,becausetheyjust“happened”tobeatthebarwhenwecameafterdinner.Summer,Willa,Sloane.Alltheboys.Apparently,MondaysarethenewFriday
“Okay,fine.Onedance.Butonlybecauseyourefusedtoletmepayfordinner.”
Hescoffs,flippingmetofacehim.Onehandlandsatmywaistandtheothergentlygripsmyfingers.He’ssoeffortless.Sosoothing.
“Holdup.Ipaidfordinnersoyou’dhavesexwithmelater.”
Soridiculousthathemakesmelaugh.
Sofuckingcharmingthatwestayformorethanonedance.WestayuntilI’mbreathlessandgiddy,andmyhairfeelsdampatthenapeofmyneck.
Hepinnedme,hedippedme,hekissedme.Heshowedmeoff.
I’veneverfeltascherishedasIdointhemiddleofabusydancefloorsurroundedbypeopleIdon’tknowwithTheo’shandsalloverme.
I’vealsoneverfeltsohorny,becauseTheocandance.HisskillsonthedanceflooraresoimpressivetheymakemeseemlikeIcandancetoo.
“Wheredidyoulearntodancelikethis?”
Hesmiles,afarawaylookinhiseyes.“Myparents.Theywerealwaysdancing.Mydadwasagreatdancer.”
“Yeah?Youdon’ttalkabouthimmuch.”
Hepullsmecloser.“Hediedridingbulls.Istillplantowinachampionshiplikehedid—that’smygoal.ButIthinkifIletmyselftalkabouthimtoomuch,I’llstartwonderingwhatthefuckI’mdoinggettingonabullwhowantstokillmedozensoftimeseveryyear.”
Isuspectit’smorelayeredthanthat.IsuspectTheohashisownsetofdaddyissues,hasmarkerstohittofeelworthyofhisfather’slegacy.BecausebasedonalltheinternetresearchIdidafterIfoundoutaboutthepregnancy,hisdadwasoneofthebest.Alegend.OneofthefirstBrazilianriderstoreallymakeamarkontheNorthAmericancircuit.
“Ishewhyyoubecameabullrider?”
“Yeah.Iwaslikehisshadow.Ialwayswantedtodoeverythinghedid.”
“Howcloseareyoutomakingittothefinalsthisyear?Afterthistimeoff,areyoutoofarbehindinpoints?”
Hisheadtipsdownashetriestogetagoodlookatmyface.“Tink,whydoesitsoundlikeyouknowathingortwoabouttheWBRF?”
Mylipscurveupagainsthischest.“TheremayhavebeensomeGoogleresearchperformedatonepointoranother.”
Ifeelthedeeprumbleinhischest.“So…internetstalking.”
“Research.”
“Right.Sure.Thatsoundsfarmoreacademic,waylessderanged.”
“I’mnotderanged.”
“Isthatwhyyouwerestalkingmefrombehindthelegpresstoday?”
Ohmygod.Cringe.
“Shutup,Theo.”
“Sawalittleflashofblondehairandblueeyesfrombetweenallthosemetalmachines.Itwasadorable.Arewegoingtocallthatresearchtoo?”Igroanagainsthischest.“Smart,pretty,butnotstealthy.”
Istraighten.“Newrule,youonlytrainpeoplewhoarelessprettythanme.”
Hiseyesdoadramaticroll.“That’severyone,Tink.You’veruinedme.Don’tyougetit?Ionlyseeyou.You’vegotallmyattention.Everylastbitofit.”
“Me?”
“Yeah.Youandyoursnarkyone-liners.Andthewayyou’regrumblyinthemorninguntilIbringyouacoffee.AndthatgoofyvoiceyouusewhenyoutalktoVivi.Howsweetyouareunderallthatprofessionalindifference.Ievenlikeitwhenyoustalkme.Makesmefeelspecial.”Hewinks.
Irollmyeyesandtrytobitedownonasmile.“I’mnotsweet.”
“Youare.I’vetastedyou.AndnowIwanttoagain.Let’sgetthefuckoutofhere.”31Winter
Summer:MOREBABIES!
Willa:IsthisinreferencetoTheojustdraggingWinteroutofherelikeahornycaveman?
Summer:Shit.Ididn’tmeantoputthisinthegroupchat.
Willa:Aww.Youguyshaveasisterchat?
Summer:*saluteemoji*
Sloane:Whatevenisthatemoji?Italwayslookslikeadicktotheforeheadtome.
Willa:Sorry,comeagain?
Sloane:OrasideprofileofPinocchio.
Summer:Sloane…it’sahand.Saluting.LikeYES,SIR!
Sloane:Seriously?I’mlookingclosernow.*saluteemoji*
Willa:Afuckingdicktotheface?Pinocchio?Therearetinybumpsthatshowthefingers.Somebodyneedstotakeawayyourbeer.
Sloane:Anyway,IhopeWinteristakingadicktothefacerightnow.
Willa:Waytochangethesubject.
Sloane:*saluteemoji*
***
Theotugsthepassengersidedoorofhistruckopen,butratherthanlettingmegetin,hepushesaheadandstepsupintothetruckhimself.
“Whatareyou—”
BeforeIcanfinishmyquestion,hehaulsmeuplikeIweighnothing,positionsmestraddlinghislap,andslamsthetruckdoor.
“Whatareyou—”Itryagain,fingersalreadyslidingupthebackofhisneck,ticklingthebaseofhisclose-croppedhair.Buthekissesme,stealinganywordsorcoherentthoughtsrightoutofmymouth.
“There’snowayI’mgoingtomakeithomewithoutgettinginsideyoufirst.Thisdresshasbeenmakingmehardallnight.”
“Youtoldmetowearsomethingslutty.”Igiggleagainsthislips,goingbackinformore.“Butthisisabusyparkinglot.”
“And?”Hismouthdragsdownthesideofmyneck,towardthelineofmyjaw,whilehishandstravelundertheloosebabydolldressIchosefortonight.It’sflowywithlacedetails.Eachbodicestraptiesinabowatthecrestofmyshoulders.
Itlooksreallycutewithmycowboyboots.
“Someonecouldseeus.”
Hishandtugsmypantiestotheside,strokingme.AndI’malreadywet.
“Good.Haven’tyoufiguredoutIhaveathingforthat?Goahead.Getloud.”Hismouthworksacrossmycollarbones.“Ihopesomeoneseesyouridingmycock.Screamingmyname.Ihopetheytelleveryone.Printitinwhatevershittylittlenewspapertheyhaveinthistown.Takeoutaroadsidebillboard.”
“Rude.”Ihuffoutalaughashetugsdownonestrapandpullsmynippleintohismouth,lickingandcirclingit.Myhipsrockwhenhebitesthesensitivepeakbeforepullingtheoppositestrapdowntogivebothsidesequalattention.
Heleansbacktoadmireme,breastsbareandheaving.“Sofuckingpretty.”
Andwithhiseyesonme,Ifeelbeautiful.Idon’twishitwasdarker.Idon’twishhe’dhurryupandshifthiseyessomewhereelse.Icouldlienakedinfrontofhimandluxuriateinthewayheappreciatesmybody.
Suddenly,theneedtofeelhiminsidemeisoverwhelming.Myhandsareathisjeans.Hisbelt.He’sliftinghiships.I’mtuggingthemdown.He’sfistinghislengthandrunningthethickheadofitthroughmywetcore.
I’mimpatientthough.Withonehandoneachofhisshoulders,Isinkdownaninch.He’snotchedinsideme,andmyheadfallsbackinrelief.
“Yes,”Ibreathe.
“Sofuckingtight.”Hedoesn’tmove,buthegroans.
Imovedownanotherinchandhishandsgripmyass.Alighttremormovesthroughthemashecaressesme.“Youtryingtokillme,Tink?”
Idon’trespond,optingtodropmylipstohisneck,tokisshimthewayhekissedme.
Thedipatthebaseofhisthroat.
Thebumpandscaronhiscollarbone.
Backuptohisear,whereInipathimandthenwhisper,“Noonehasevermademefeelsogood.LikeIdon’tneedchangingorfixing.LikeIdon’tneedsaving.Everythingissorushedwithussometimes.Ijustwanttosavoryouforaminute.”
Ikisshisstubble.Besidehismouth.Hedoesn’trespond,butIdon’tgivehimachance,becauseIpressmymouthtohisinasearingkissasIlowermyselfslowly.Myhandsmoveoverhispecsandshoulderswhilehisroammyback,alwaysreturningtosqueezemyass.
HegroansintomymouthwhenIfinallydropontohisfulllength.Ifeelhimswellinsideme,fillingeverybitofspace.Likehewasmadeforme.
“Theo.”Inuzzleintohisneck,archingmybacktopushmyassintohisgripasIrotatemyhips.
“Haveyoufiguredouthowtomakeyourselfcomesincethatnight?”
“Yes.”
OverandoveragainwhileIthoughtofyouandthewayyoumademeseestars.
“Showme.”Hegatherstheskirtofmydressandbunchesitatmyhips.“Leanback.Playwithyourpussyandcomeonmycock.Iwanttowatchyouagain.”
Myentirebodyflusheswithheat,andIdon’thesitate.
Theglovecompartmentisn’tfarbehindme,andIstraightenuntilIfeelitcoolandsmoothagainstmyback.Theoslouchesslightlyintheseattoaccommodate.
Hefeelseventhickerinsideme,stretchingmetomylimits.Arushofwetnessseepsfromme,andIdropmyhanddown,spreadingitonus.
Itraceafingeroverwheremyskinmeetshis.Softandhard.HishipsmoveandIfeelhim.Ifeelmyself.
Thewaywefit.
“Fuck,Winter.Youhavenoideawhatyoudotome.”Hiseyesglowonme,leavingatrailofsparksintheirwake.
Imovemyfingersoverthebaseofhisshaftwhilehefucksmeslowandshallow.It’shot.It’sunhurried.IfeellikeI’mallowedtoexplorehim.Exploreus.
IfeellikeIhaveallthetimeintheworld,becauseI’msuspectingwearedoingmorethanjusttryingthisout.
We’reseemingprettydamnpermanent.Thesexisnew,butlearningtoneedhimhasbeeninthemakingallsummer.
Islidemyfingersuptomyclitandpresshard,chintippeddown,whileIwatchTheo’shipsflexasheslideshimselfinandoutofme.Ican’tlookaway.It’s…fuckinghotwatchinghimpushintomybody.
Withoutshame,Irubmyclitinfirmcircles,usingonefingerandthentwo.Thenbackandforth,morerapidly.
“Youlikethewayyoulooktakingacock,Winter?”
Idon’tevenglanceathim,stillwatchinghisveinedlengththrustinginaslow,evenrhythm.Irubmyclit,morefranticnow.“IlikethewayIlooktakingyourcock.”
Hishipsbuckandhehitsmedeep,shovingmebackagainstthedash.Onehandonmyinnerthighpressesmeopenwiderwhiletheothergripsmyhiphard.
“Good.Causeit’stheonlycockyou’reevergoingtotake.”
Thenwebothloseit.We’reatangleoflimbs.Cursewords.Moans.Whisperednamesandjerkymovements.Itallfeelsliketheperfectsymphony.Theperfectcrescendo.
Sweetmeetsfilthy.
Slowmeetshard.
Hismouthslantsovermine,andhewhispers,“Ihopeyou’reonbirthcontrolthistimecauseyou’regoingtobedrippingmycumtheentirewayhome.”
Andthat’sallittakes.Hiswords.Hiscock.Myfingers.Weexplodetogether.Aflashoflight.Arushofheat.Tremorsandsweatandheavybreathing.
Ifeelmybodyclampdownhardonhim.Ifeelhimpulseinsideme.MybodytinglesinpartsI’veneverevennoticed.
Ifeeleverything
Andwhenhegathersmeagainsthischest,Ifeelloved.
Heholdsme,ourbreathingerratic,ashecarefullylaysmyskirtoverwherewe’rejoinedrightasIhear…
Voices.
“Theo—”
“Winter,ignoreit.Justshutupandkissme.You’resafewithme.”
Hesitsupstraight,combshisfingersthroughthesideofmyhairclosesttothewindow,andclaimsmymouthwithheart-rendingpassion.Ihearpeoplebesideus,butIdon’tlook.I’malleyesonTheo,bodyattunedsoperfectlytohis
Iheargigglesfollowedby,“Thosepeoplearemakingout!”
AndIsmileintothekiss.
Theydon’tknowwe’redoingsomuchmorethanmakingout.
Orthatwhathappenedbetweenusheretonightfeltlikesomuchmorethansex32Theo
Theo:How’syourbath?
Winter:Good.
Theo:Justgood?
Winter:Itwaspeacefuluntilyoutextedme.
Theo:Whatareyoudoing?
Winter:Enjoyingmyself.Goaway.
Theo:SendmeapicandI’llleaveyoualone.
Winter:Whatwillyoudowithit?
Theo:Frameit.
***
IhandWinterhermorningcoffeewhere’ssheleanedagainstthekitchenislandandpressasoftkissagainstherplushmouth.IfeelhersmileeventhoughwebothknowI’mgoingbackontheroadtoday.“Howwasyourbath?”
Petersitsatherfeet,gazingupatherlikehe’sthelovesickone.Idon’tknowhowshewentfromregardinghimlikehewasdiseased,totakinghimeverywherewithherandfeedinghimallthethingsadogshouldn’teat.Overthepastseveralweeksoflivingtogetherfulltime,heandWinterhavebecomeinseparable.
Shealreadylooksrosyfromsittinginthehotwater,soit’shardtotellifshe’sblushing.Butjudgingbythewayhereyesdroptothecoffeemuginherhandsandthewayshetakesadeepsiptoavoidansweringme,herbathwasgood
Ihavethephototoproveit.
“Ifyou’dgivenmesomewarning,IcouldhavedroppedVivioffwithmymomandcometowatchtheshow.”
“Theo…”HereyesdarttoVivi,whohasonehandproppedagainstmykneewhileshetakestinystepsawayfromme,testingthelimitsofhercruising.“Youngears.Andyougotashowlastnight.”
“Winter.”Iimitatehervoice,chucklingwhensherollshereyesatme.“Ididn’tsayathing.Webothknowtheoneguiltyoftalkinglikeatruckerinfrontofherisyou.Andtodayisanewday,thatshowwasyesterday.Ihaveneeds.”
“You’resuchahorndo—”Shestopsshort,hereyesfixedontheground.
WhenIfollowhergaze,Ifreezetoo.
Viviiswalking.Likeatinydrunkpersonwithherarmsoutstretchedtohermom’slegs.Forweeksnow,she’sbeencruisingfromchairtocouch,totable,alongthewall.I’veurgedhertotakethatonelittlestepwithoutholdingmyfinger,butshejusthasn’tbeenquitethere.
InwhatlookslikeamotionthatisalmostfallingintoWinter,shemakesit,tippingherfaceuptostareatus.Herdarkeyeswideninshockatthesametimehermouthopensinthemosthysterical“O”shape,likeshecan’tbelieveit.
“Youdidit!”Wintersqueals,turningtoputhercoffeedown.
Vivigigglesandclaps,lookingso,sodamnproudofherself.
Icrouchdowntoherandholdupmyhand.“Highfive,babygirl!Nextup,bullriding.”
Sheslapsmyhandandlaughsharder.Theurgetopickherupisreal,butthatfeelslikethewrongwaytocelebratethismilestone.Likeclippingherwingstheminuteshe’slearnedhowtousethem.So,Igettomykneesandsqueezeherinahug.ShesquirmswhenIblowaraspberryonherneck.
“Ohmygod.”Winterisstaringdown,prideandhorrorwarringonherface.
“What?”
“I’vebeensoexcitedforhertowalk.It’slikeIfailedtorealizehowfuckedI’mgoingtobewhenshecan.Like…howdoyoucontrolahumanwithnosenseofself-preservationwhocanwalk?Run?Letalonerideabull.”
Ican’thelpit.Ilaugh.
“It’snotfunny,Theo!She’salreadygotthisnutsoSilvastreakinher.Didyounotseehertheotherday?Iturnedaroundforliketensecondsandsheusedachairtoclimbupontothecounter.”
“Iknow.Iwaswatchingherfigureouthowtogetuptheretogetacookie.Shewasfine.Reallykindofimpressiveifyouthinkaboutit.Gothermama’sbrains.”
“What’sgoingtobeimpressiveismekeepingheralivewithyouaway.I’vegottensofthavingyouaround.IhavetokeepherfromtakinguptoddlerparkourandI’llhavetogetmyowncoffee.It’stotalbullshitifyouthinkaboutit.”
She’sjoking,butthere’sathreadoftruthinthere.We’vebeenlivinginablissfulworldsinceImadeitcleartoWinterweweretogether.
Therewasn’talotofconversationaboutit.Wesortofsankintothewarmthofthisnewnormal.MymomisstilllivingnextdoorforacoupleofweeksbeforesheneedstogetbacktoEmeraldLake,whichisablessingandacurse.Andslowlybutsurely,I’vemovedmythingsovertothishouse.
Winterisfunny.Nowandthen,sheemptiesadrawerandleavesitopen.Asilentinvitetomovemoreofmystuff.It’slikeshestillcan’tbringherselftobelievethatthiswholethingwithusisreal,thatthisissomethingbigger.ThoughIcantellshedoesbythewaysheclingstomeallnight.ThewayshecasuallyswingsbythegymwhileI’mworkingjusttosayhi—andglareatmyclients.
Butwe’reonthecuspofchangetoday.
“MaybeI’lltakeonemoreweekoff,”IannounceasIstaredownintomydaughter’seyes.She’sstillstandinghere,listeningtous,headswivelingbackandforthlikeshe’spartoftheconversation.
“Youwillnot.”
IstartatthebiteinWinter’svoice.“Pardon?”
Sheliftsherfingertopointatme.“Notachance.Youlistentome,TheoDaleSilva.Andyoulistencarefully.Youaregoingtogotowhatevershittylittletownyouneedtogoto—”
“It’sBillings,Montana,Tink.”
“TheonlythingIknowaboutMontanaisYellowstone.”
“TheNationalPark?”
Shescoffs.“No,theshow.Soyou’regoingtogotoDuttonRanchorwhereverthehellitis,andyouaregoingtokickalltheirhillbillyasses.”
Icrossmyarmsandshiftovertopropahipagainstthecounterandfaceher.“Isthatso?”
“Yeah,thatisso.Becauseyoucanwipethefloorwiththem.Andyouwantitbadenoughtomakeithappen.AndIdon’twanttotellVivisomedaythatherdadgaveuponhisdreamsbecausehermombecameterriblyneedyandcodependent.”
Ihuffoutalaugh.“Youhavethestrangestwayoftellingmeyou‘morethanlikeme,’Dr.Hamilton.Aren’tyouworriedI’llgethurt?”
Shewavesmeoffandtakesasipofhercoffee.“No.You’retoostubborn.Manifestthatshit,Theo.Iwantyoutowin.I’llpatchyouupmyselfifyougethurt,andthenI’lltieyouontoabullmyselfifIhaveto.”
Mylipstwitch.“Thatsoundskindofhot,ifI’mbeinghonest.Likeasexydoctorwithabondageki—”
ShepointsdownatVivi,whoisstaringupatmewithimpossiblybigbrowneyes,facialexpressionawedlikeIhungthemoon.
Ithitsmeinthechestlikeabatteringram.
ThereasonIdon’twanttoleaveisn’tonlybecauseIdon’twanttoleaveWinter.
It’sbecauseI’mheadoverheelsinlovewiththislittlegirl.ThislittlegirlwhoIbarelyknewacoupleofmonthsago.Thislittlegirlwhohasbecomemyentireworldwithouteventrying.
ThereasonIdon’twanttoleaveisthatIdon’twanttomissanything.
Afirststep.
Afirstword.
Afirstinjury.
Idon’twanttomissasinglethingbecauseI’vealreadymissedsomany.
“Theo…”Winter’svoiceissoftnow,andhersoft,slenderfingersslidebetweenmine,squeezinggently.“We’regoingtobegood.We’regoingtobesohappywhenyougetback.Butwe’llsurvivewithoutyou.Youneedtodothis.You’llregretnotdoingthis.”
Iblink.“WhatifIdon’twinthisyear?ThenI’llbegonenextyeartoo.”
“Thenwe’llbeherewaitingforyoutogethomenextyeartoo.I’mdreadinggoingbacktoworktoo.Buttheworlddoesn’tstop.Dreamsdon’tevaporate.We’regoingtofigurethisout.”
Sheswallows,herthroatworking.Icantellshe’snotdonebutishavinganinternalpeptalkwithherselftogetthewordsout.“Asafamily.”
Thatbatteringramstrikesagain.Winter’stiedupsotight,sometimesthesecommentsfeellikeaknotinhermindhastuggedfree.Thatshe’sstraighteningthingsoutinherheadasshegoestoo.
AllIcandoisnod.
“ButTheo?”Shetugsmecloser,handslidingupmychest.
“Yes?”
“Ireallythinktheplanshouldbeforyoutowinthisyearandnextyear.”
Winterhasn’ttoldmeshelovesme,butthiscommenttellsmeshedoes.Thatshewantsmetodothingsthatareimportanttome.Thatshe’llbeherewhenIdothem.Thatshe’snotheretoholdmeback.Thatshedoesn’tjustneedmearoundtohelpwithVivi—sheunderstandsthatIneedtofeelaccomplished.
Vivitugsonmyjeanswithsomegarbledsentence.
Icrouchbackdowntoherinstantly.“Isthatso?I’mgoingtomissyoutoo.Verymuch.”
Itdoesn’tmatterthatit’sonlyacoupleofweeks.It’sgoingtofeellikealifetime.Ibetshe’llbebiggerwhenIgetback.Walkingaroundwithnoproblem,notjustforafewstepsbetweenhermomandme.
Oneofhertinyhandspatsmycheekinresponse.
I’manemotionalmess.Theselasttwomonthshaveputmethroughthefuckingringer,andI’mnotsureI’vecompletelyprocesseditall.Idoveintothedeependandstartedswimming.
So,Icupmydaughter’scherubcheeksandtellherwhatmydadusedtotellmebeforehe’dleave.Thelastwordsheeversaidtome.
“Tevivo,babygirl.”
Shebatshereyelashesandstudiesme,herlittlebow-shapedlipsturnedupinasmilethatstrikesmeaswisebeyondheryears.Months?
Thensheblowsaraspberryontheinsideofmyarmandthemomentevaporates.Amused,sheturnstheotherwayandblowsoneonWinter’sbareleg.Shegoesonpracticinglikeshe’slearninganewinstrument.
WhenIglanceupatWinter,herheadtilts.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“What?”IruffleVivi’shairandpushbackuptostanding.
“Whatyoujustsaidtoher.”
“Tevivo?”Winternods.“It’sPortuguese.Mydadusedtosayittomysisterandme.Sadly,it’ssomeoftheonlyPortugueseIknow.Itmeans‘Iliveyou’orsomethingalongthoselines.”
“YoumeanIloveyou?”
“No.”Iscrubatmystubbleandglancedownatourdaughter,whoisnowamusingherselfbyplayingherfavoritegameoffetchwithPeterandhisminiaturerubberchicken.“Itmeans…Iliveyou.LikeIseeyoueverywhere,youareineverything.Ourconnectionismorethanphysical.”
“Hmm.”Wintersighs,glancingdownatourdaughter.“Ilovethat.Butalso…whyisEnglishtheleastromanticlanguageintheworld?TellmemorethingsinPortuguese.”
“IwishIknewmore.MydadwassofocusedonimmersinghimselfinNorthAmericanculturethatwereallydidn’tgetalotofhisheritage.”
AsmallfrowntouchesWinter’sface.“That’sashame.Maybewecangooneday.”
“Where?”
“ToBrazil.TeachViviabouthergrandpa.”
No,Wintermaynotsaythewords,butsheexpressesherloveindifferentways.Sheembodiesitsoeffortlessly.
WhenIfinallypackuptoheadtotheairportthatafternoon,Ifoldherinmyarms,kissherhard,andwhisperagainstherear,“Tevivo,WinterHamilton.”
Ipushawayalltheinstinctsthatwanttodragmebackintothehousetobewithmygirlsandmakemywaydownthefrontsteps.ItoldmyselfIwouldn’tlookbackatthem.IalreadyknowWinterhasViviproppedonherhip.Ialreadyknowshe’swavingonetinyhandwhileWinterleansagainstthedoorframe,lookingtoofuckinggoodwithhertoned,barelegsondisplayinasoftT-shirtdress.
ItoldmyselfIwouldn’tlookback.
ButwhenIhearWinter’svoice,allthickandraspy,say,“Tevivo,TheoDaleSilva.Kicksomeassthisweekend,”Ifailmiserably.
Haven’tbeenabletokeepmyeyesoffthatwomanfromdayone,notsurewhoIwaskiddingthinkingI’dbestrongenoughtostartnow.33Winter
Winter:Goodlucktonight.Breakaleg.
Theo:That’snotalwaysthebestthingtosaytoabullrider,Tink.
Winter:Ididn’tsaybreakaclavicle.
Theo:Hilarious.
Winter:Ifyouwin,I’llgiveyouroadheadnexttimewegoout.
Theo:ThisbrandofmotivationREALLYworksforme.
Winter:Lol.Awesome.AndTheo?
Theo:Yeah?
Winter:Imissyou.
***
“Good,”IsayasamanIdon’tknowgetsbuckedintothedirtlikealawndart.
“Winter,youscareme.”Sloanelaughs.
TheohasbeengonefortwodaysandI’vebeenplayingitcool.ButI’mabarrelofnervesoverhisfirstcompetitionback.Myabilitytoturnanythingintoacompetitionhasreallycomeouttoplaybydatinganathlete.
“Comeon.Tellmeyoudon’tcurseateveryguythatgetsthepuckpastJasper.”
“Fair.”
“Aren’tyounervous?”Summerasksfromtheoppositeendofthecouch.
“Yes.IwanthimtowinsobadlyIcanbarelysitstill.”
“No,likeabouthimgettinghurt,”mysisterclarifies.“IcouldbarelywatchRhettgetonabullwithoutfeelinglikeIwasgoingtobarf.Himcoachingnowisperfect.MaybeTheocouldcoach.”
“Nochance.”Hecan’twinitallifhefallsbackintocoaching.
“Whynot?”
“Becausehe’snotoldandwashedupyet.Letthemanlive,Summer.Hedoesn’tneedanothermom,”Willapipesup.
She’ssittingonthecarpetwithViviandEmma,whoarebusyplayingwithafullsetofMyLittlePonies.Apparently,Cadecan’tstopbuyingthemforEmma,whichmeansthereisanalarmingnumberscatteredacrossthefloor.
Awholefuckingherdofrainbowsandsparkles.
Lorettalaughs,sittinginthearmchairthathasbecomehers.Peteriscurledinherlap.Thethoughtofherleavingsoonmakesmychesthurt.IknowshehasherownlifeinEmeraldLake,butshe’sfilledagapinmyheartthesepastweeks.
ShefeelslikethemomIshouldhavehad.
I’vedecidedI’llsoakupallthetimeIcanwithherwhileTheoisaway.She’shelpingmeplanVivi’sfirstbirthday,butshe’sleavingthenextday.Shesaysitwillbeafunandcelebratorywaytomarkherdeparture.
ButI’mnotsosureitwillworkforme.
“Theoisverycapable.Heknowshisbody.”Loretta’seyesfalltomine.“He’sgrownupalotinrecentyears.Ithinkhe’llmakesmartchoicesupthere;he’sgotalotofreasonstocomehomesafe.”
Mythroatfeelstight.Iassumeherhusbandhadalotofreasonstocomehomesafetoo.
Buthedidn’t.
“Thereheis!”Sloaneleansforwardinherchair,andIfollowsuit,myeyesrakingoverthebigscreeninourlivingroom.
IseeTheoclimbingupthemetalpanels.Thecreamshirthe’swearingdoesnothingbutgoodthingsforhistanskinandalluringdarkfeatures.He’swearingablackcowboyhat,buthehasablackhelmetinhand.
HetradesthemoffwithRhett,whoisproppeduponthegatebesidehim.Icanseethemexchangingwords,butI’mtootakenabackbythesightofTheotoattempttolip-read.
Helooksfuckinghot,likeanentirelydifferentperson.Like…anentirelydifferentexperiencethanI’vebeengettingathome.
Theo’schapsareacreamybluewithblackstarsonthem,andhisprotectivevestisblacktomatchhisboots.Hisfaceispurefocus—withatingeofvicious.
LikeI’dlienakedinthedirtforthisversionofhim.
“Okay,it’smyturntosaygoodnowthatEmmettdidn’tstayon.”SummerpullsmyattentionawayfromTheoandRhettinthebackgroundtotheblondecowboystompingoutofthering.
“Why?”
“CauseEmmettBushisadouchebag.”
“Emmett,whoyoualmostlettakebodyshotsoffyourtits?”Willaasksrightasshepopsachipintohermouthfromthebowlonthetable.
Summerturnsbrightpink.“Iwaspissedoffthatnight.”
Wealllaughbecausewe’veheardthestory.Pissedoffiscodefor:shewastryingtomakeRhettjealous.Basedonthewaysheblusheseverytimeitcomesup,I’mgoingtoassumeitworked.
IturnmyattentionbacktotheTVandendupkneelingonthefloorbehindVivi.“Look.”IpointtotheTV.“There’sDaddy.”
Herheadturns,andIswearshepeersalittlecloser.
IrubhershouldersjusttogivemyhandssomethingtodoasIwatchthemloaduparatheruglywhitebullwithpinkskinarounditseyesandablacksplatterpatternalloveritscoat.Itlooksmean.
Thehardertheybuck,thebetterchancehehasatgettingagoodscore,soIdecideit’sapositivething.
Mypalmssweat.IbitemyinnercheekhardenoughtomakeitbleedasTheolowersthehelmetoverhishandsomeface.Thecageobscuresmostofhisfeatures,butIseethoseonyxeyesglaringarounduntiltheyfeellikethey’rerightonthecamera.
Ican’thelpbutwonderifhe’ssearchingforme.Iwanthimtobe.Iwantedtobethere,buttwoweeksontheroadlivinginhotelroomswithatoddler,eatingoutforeverymeal—itjustwasn’tinthecards.Itwasn’tthefocusedsettingheneeded,andthatdidn’toffendme.
Ifitmeanshimsucceeding,I’lldoit.So,Ikneelonourlivingroomfloor,twistingmyhandsandwatchingthelivestream.
Thepeoplearoundmechatandlaughlikenothingimportantishappeningrightnow,butmystomachisinmythroat.
WillablabstoLorettaabouthowshemetCadewhenshedroppedherpantiesinpublic.“Shh!”
“Okay,Mom.”
Iignorethedig.Shecanrunhermouthafterthisisover.Rightnow,Theoisloweringhimselfontothebroadbackofthebull,runninghisglovedhandoveraropemethodically,intimewithwhateverheavydrumbeatmustbeplayinginthearena.
Ormaybeit’sjustmyheartthumpinginmyears.
Hewrapshishand.Tugsacoupletimes.Hisshouldersriseandfallonaheavyexhale.
Thenhenods.
Thegatesflyopenandthebulllurchesintomotionfromastandstill.Thetimeratthetopofthescreenflicksthroughtheseconds.Heonlyneedstostayonforeight.
Butsecondshavenevergonebysoslowly.
IpushuptostandaboveVivi.Evensheseemstofeelmytensionbecauseshe’swatchingthescreenraptlyafterignoringitforthepasthour.
Handsgrippedonmyknees,Idon’tknowwhattodowithmyselfasIwatchthebullspinandleapandtrytokillthemanIwanttospendtherestofmylifewith.
Hebetternotfuckingdieonme.
Thethoughtjoltsmeforaminute.Itcamesoeasily.Sonaturally.LikebeingwithTheoisthemostobviousthingintheworld.Like,ofcourse,we’llbetogether.WhothehellelsewouldIbewith?
Whowouldputupwithmymoodyass?
WhowouldloveVivithewayhedoes?
Whowouldlovemethewayhedoes?
Theanswerisnoone.NotasingleotherpersonwouldeverlovemethewayTheodoes.Noonewillevershowupformethewayhehas—protectmethewayhehas.Iknowitbecauseit’stakenmethirty-oneyearstofindsomeonewhowill.
WhatmoreproofdoIneed?
He’sartistryonthebackofthebull,andIcan’ttakemyeyesoffthem.Myhandscovermymouthasthesecondstickdown.
Left.
Spin.
Right.
Dip.
Buzzer.
“Yes!”Ijumpupandshout,handsintheair.Idon’tevencareifIlooklikealovesickidiot.
Iam.
Lorettaletsoutarelievedlaughandclapsherhands.
WillaandSloaneseeminterested,butnotallthatexcited.So,fuckthem.Inafriendlyway,ofcourse.I’mtooexcited.Noonecanruinthisnightforme.
“Whataride!”SummerhumorsmebyjoininginwithmycheeringasTheoeasilyleapsfromthebullandpumpshisfistintheair.Hedoesn’ttakehishelmetoff,andhedoesn’ttakehiseyesoffthebull.Hebeelinesitforthefencingandimmediatelyclimbsup.Oncehe’ssafelyover,hegetssomeheartybackpatsfromRhett.
Whenhisscoreflashesonthescreen,Iknowit’sagoodonefromtheinternetstalkingIdid.Ninety-fivepointseventy-fiveisnotjustgood.It’sgreat.It’swhatheneeded.
Andgoddamn,Iamsoproud.Idon’tevenknowhowtoreact.SoIpace,bitingmythumbnailwhileIwatchhim.
Helmetoff,eyesonthecameraagain.
Hewinks
IrollmyeyesasIblush.Asmystomachflipsandbutterflieseruptinmychest.Maybehewaswinkingforthefans,butitfeelslikehewaswinkingforme.
IglanceatLoretta.Shesawittoo.
“Hedidgood,”shesays.
Inodandgrinather,feelingantsy.Rightnow,Icouldwalkaroundtheneighborhoodorgoforaworkout.“Hereallydid.”
Whenthedoorbellrings,myheadsnapsup.IhavenoideawhowouldbehereonaFridaynight.
Summerleansoverthearmofthecouchtopeekoutthewindow.“Lookslikeaflowerdelivery!”
Sheleapsuptofollowmetothedoor,clearlylivingforthelevelofmushyhappinessinmyliferightnow.
“Hi,”IsaybreathlesslyasIopenthedoorandtakeinthemaninstreetclothes,holdingabouquetofrosesandanenvelope.
“WinterHamilton?”
“Yes!”Ibeam.
“Great.”Heholdstheflowersouttomeandtheminutemyfingerswraparoundthevase,hesays,“You’vebeenserved.”
Mysmilefreezesandmybloodrunscold.“What?Isthisevenathingthathappensoutsideofmovies?”
“’Fraidso.”Theman’smouthtwists.“Youhaveagoodnightnow.”Hejogsdownthestairsandtakesofftohiscar.
“What.The.Fuck.”Istaredownattheblood-redroses,confused.Shocked.
“Givemethis.”Summerswipestheenvelopeofffromwhereit’stapedtothesideofthevaseandripsitopen.Sheunfoldsthepapers,andIwatchherchocolate-brownirisesmovebackandforthoverthelinesoftypeface.
Hereyesburnwithfurywhenshelooksatmeagain.“Robwantsapaternitytest.”34Theo
Winter:Congrats!Youlookhotinyourchaps.Letmeknowwhenyou’reatyourhotelsoIcancall.
Theo:Youcancallmeanytime.Andalsosendnudesanytime.
***
Rhettwalksintotheemptydressingroomandtossesmeabeer.“Youhidingoutinhere?”
ThecanhisseswhenIopenit.“Justtakingasecondtosoakitallin.It’sweirdbeingback.”
“Youknowwhatisn’tweird?WatchingyoukickEmmett’sass.You’recomingforhim,andheknowsit.Spentthelastcouplemonthsfeelingalittlemorecomfortablethanheshouldhave.Sleazyfuckthatheis.”
“YoustillmadathimforhittingonSummer?”
Rhettnodsandtakesasipofhisbeer.“Fortherestofmylife.”
We’realikeinthatregard,butwe’redifferentinalotofotherways.Hewearshiscowboyhatandjeanslikeit’sasecondskin.Me,Ilovethesport.Ilovetherush.Ilovethecompetition.Butitfeelslikeauniformtome.
Rhettlovesbeingontheroad.Idon’tthinkhemissesriding,buthelovescoaching.He’sstillgothishandsinthepot.
Me…Ican’tseemyselfstayinghereonceIhitthetop.Idon’tknowwhatI’lldo,butitwon’tbesettlingdownasaliferintheWBRF.
I’llwanttobeathome.ClosetoWinterandVivi.
“Yougoingouttonight?”
“Nah.”
RhettpointsatmelikethatquestionwasatestforhowfocusedIamrightnow.“Goodanswer.”
“GonnaheadbacktomyroomandseeifWinterisstillup.”
Rhettwaggleshisbrowsatme.
“Fuckoff.”
“You’vecomealongway,youknow.”
“Well,I’vebeentoldIhaveanexcellentmentor.”
“No,Imeanasaperson.Asaman.IknowIwashardonyou,andmaybethatcameoffashardonWinter.Ijust…I’veseenyousowsomewildoatsovertheyears.Iwasn’tsureyouhaditinyoutobewhatsheneeded.”
Inod,notoffendedbywhathe’ssaying—becauseit’strue.“Iknowyoumeanwell,butyou’restillatotalprick.”
Hescoffsatmeandthenmyphoneringsonthebenchbesideme,lightingupwithaphotoIsnappedofWinterandVivisnugglingtogetherinasunnybedsurroundedbywhitelinens.
Itmakesmesmile.
“Theresheis.”Iswipeafingeracrosstoanswerthephone.“Tink,”Isayandtakemyfirstswigofbeer.
“Hi.Congratulations!Prettygoodtonight,huh?Wewatchedyou.”Hervoiceissoft,butthere’stensiontheretoo.Atightnesslikeshe’sholdingsomethingback.
“Yeah,feltgoodtoshakethecobwebsoff.”
“AndbeatEmmett!”Rhettcallsoutloudenoughthatshecanhear.
“Summersharedthatsentimenttoo.”Winterlaughs,butitfeelsforced.
“Everythingalright?”Iask,notwantingtoignorethattroublesometoneinhervoiceanylonger.
WhatIgetbackisaloud,tiredsigh.
“What’swrong?”Panicedgesintomyvoice.
“Nothing,nothing.I’mgood.Viviisgood.Whereareyourightnow?Iwasn’tsurewhereyou’dbe.Maybecallmewhenyougetbacktothehotel?”
“HowaboutyoutellmenowsoIdon’tfreakout?It’sjustRhettandmeinthechangingroom,havingabeer.There’snothinggoingon.”
“Okay…”shewhispers,andmyheartthumpswildlyagainstmyribcage.WhenIglanceoveratRhett,hisbrowsaredrawn,bodyheldtaut.
“Okay,soI’mjustgoingtocomeoutandsayit.Becauseyouneedtoknow.Butyoudonotneedtofreakout.I’vegotthis.Okay?”
“I’mnotgoingtopromisenottofreakoutoversomethingyouhaven’ttoldmeyet.”
Shedoesn’trespondtothat,shejustforgesahead.“Tonight,myexservedmewithpapersrequiringmetotakeViviforDNAtesting.”
Ifeellikeeverynoiseinthestadiumshutsoffatonce,replacedbyawhooshofshockedandconfusedwhitenoise.
“What?”
“Robiscontestingherpaternity.”
“Why?”
“Idon’tknow.Hewastoobigofacowardtodelivertheletterhimself.ButifIhadtoguess?Justtostirshitup.Justtoinserthimselfwherehedoesn’tbelong.”
Icanhearquietmurmuring.
“HedidthesamethingtoSummer.He’djustpopupoutoftheblue.Callher,showuptoseeher.Itwasn’tuntilRhettdroppedthatbombonhimthathestopped.”
“IsSummertherewithyou?”
“Yeah.She’sbeenlookingoverthepapers.We’vebeenhavingalongoverdueconversation.”
“What’sgoingon?”Rhettstepscloseratthesoundofhiswife’sname.
Iwavehimoff.“Reporthim.Dropyourownbomb.”
Thelineisquietforafewbeats.“Youknowthat’scomplicated.Ijust…Idon’twanttodrageveryoneintothis.Theysetthecourtdatefornextweek.Summerisgoingtotrackmedownagoodfamilylawyer.”
“Us,Winter.Trackusdownagoodfamilylawyer.”
“No.”
“I’mcomingback—”
“Theo,no.Youarestayingontheroad.Youaregettingthosefuckingpoints.Andyouarenotfixinganothermessythinginmylife.Oneofmyfavoritethingsaboutyouisthatyoudon’ttreatmelikeIneedsaving.AndIdon’t.I’mtheonewhomarriedhim.I’mtheonewho’splayedintohishandateveryturn.Iwillfixthis.Youdidn’taskforanyofthis.”
“No.Ichoseit.”
She’squietforabeat.Andthenanother.ThenathoughtIhatewitheveryfiberofmybeingpopsupinmymind.OnethatImaybeshouldhavehadalongtimeago.OnethatgotpushedtothewaysidewhileIrolledmysleevesupandgottoworkrightingthewrongsI’dputintomotion.
OneIneveraskedstraightout.
“I—”
I’msocaughtoffguard,soangryatRob,thatIsnap.Isayit.“She’smydaughter,Winter.Right?”
Apincoulddropandeveryoneinaten-mileradiuswouldhearit.That’showsilentitisnow.EvenRhettismotionless,hisfacedrawninalarmashestaresbackatme.
It’squietforsolongthatIpullmyphoneawayfrommyfacetoseeifthecallisstillconnected.Thesecondstickalong,likemyphoneiscountingthemomentsthatfollowthenukeIjustdropped.Thedevastationworsewitheverysecondthatpasses.
“Well,Iguesswe’reabouttofindout,”iswhatshesaysbackinahardvoice.Itdoesn’tsoundlikethewomanIknowatall.
Thenthesecondsstopticking,andthescreenfadesouttocolumnsofcubes.ColorfulsquaresthatmeannothingtomeasIstaredownatthem.
I’mchoked.I’mhurt.I’mangry.Weeksofemotionscometumblingdownaroundme.WeeksofemotionsthatI’vepushedawayinthenameofbeingresponsibleandgrownup.Weeksoftakingcareofthepeoplearoundme,butfailingtotakecareofmyself.
AndIlashedoutatthewrongfuckingperson.
Iwanttocrawlintothephoneandpluckoutthosefivewordsonebyone.Undoeversayingthem.Ijustthoughttheworstofawomanwhohasspentherlifefeelinglikeeveryonealwaysthinkstheworstofher.
AndIspatthosewordsrightinherface.
“Thatwasn’ttherightthingtosay,Theo.”Rhett’sroughvoicemeetsmyearsasIleanbackagainstthecoldmetallockersbehindmeandclosemyeyes,mystomachflippingwithinstantnausea.
“Iknow.”
***
Mom:Theo,pleaseansweryourphone.I’vetriedcallingmultipletimesnow.
Rhett:Textmewhenyou’rebacksafe.
Summer:I’mgoingtofixthis.
***
“What?”
Iflopbackononeofthetwoqueen-sizedbedsinmysad,boringhotelroom,phonehelduptomyear,andatowelwrappedaroundmywaist.
“Backsafe?”It’squietwhereverRhettis.Clearly,hedidn’tgoouteither.
“Yup.”I’mnotsurewhyhe’scallingmewhenwejustsaweachotherandarestayinginthesamehotel.“What’sup?”
“Justcheckingonyou.”
“Isawthetext.Yougonnacomerubmybacktosleeptoo?”
Ihearhimhuffoutalaugh.“Icanifyouwantmeto.”
“Nah.I’mfine.”
“Yousure?”
“No.ButIwillbe.”
“Youshouldcallher.”
Igroan.“Iknow.”
“Areyougoingto?”
“Inthemorning.Ineedasectogetmyheadstraight.FromthedayIfoundoutaboutVivi,IliterallydroppedeverythingIwasdoingandjumpedstraightinwithouteventhinkingtwice.I’vejustbeeninsurvivalmodeandtoday…todayfuckedmeup.”
“Dude.Thatkidisyours.She’spracticallyyourdoppelg?nger.Idon’tknowhownoneofusputittogether.”
“Iknow.Iknow.Butthere’sthisnaggingvoicethatkeepsaskingme,Whatifshe’snot?Whatiftherewassomemistake?Thenightwehookedup,shehadn’tgivenhimdivorcepapersyet,soit’snotlikeit’simpossible.Iwouldn’tjudgeher.Anditwouldn’tmakeadifference.”
Rhettissilentforafewmoments.“IfViviwasn’tyoursyou’dstillwanttobewithWinter?”
“OfcourseI’dstillwanttobewithWinter.I’vewantedWinterfromthefirstnightIlaideyesonher.I’dstillwantVivitoo.ButI’dbegutted.Wintermayhavebeentheonetryingtogetpregnantforalongtime,andImightbetheonewhostumbledintofatherhoodbyaccident,butIloveit,Rhett.Ilovethem.”
“Thenyoushouldcallherandtellherthat.”
IfeellikeIhave,butshe’ssofuckinggunshyitgetsmenowhere.Idon’twanttorushher,topushher,towonderifshe’sputtingupwithmetoappeasesomeperceivedinsecurityofmine.
ButIdon’tsharethatwithRhett.Thatfeelspersonal.It’ssomethingthat’sunfoldingbetweenWinterandI,andnooneelseneedstobeprivytothatpartofus.
“Yeah,Iwill,”iswhatIsayinstead,havingalreadysettledonlickingmywoundsandhavingapitypartytonight.Becausetonight,whenshetoldmeshedidn’twantmethereforsomethingthatconcernsmydaughter?Itfeltlikeaslapintheface.Mymomtoldmeoncethatactsofservicearemylovelanguage—howIshowIcare.
AndWinterdoesn’twantthatfromme.
SometimesIworrythatWinterwillneverlovemequitethewayIloveher.Ormaybeit’smebeinggreedy.Iwanttohearhersayitsobadithurts.
“Getsomerest,okay?IwannaseeyouuponthepodiumtomorrowwhileEmmettsulksbackinthelockerroom.”
“Yougotit,coach.”
Iclickmyphoneoffandliehere,staringattheceiling.
Hatingmyself.HatingwhatIsaid.HatingI’mhereinsteadofthere,withthem.
IcallWinter,butshedoesn’tanswer.Icallheragain.Andagain.Alltonoavail.BeforeIgiveupandsinkintothenumbnessofthenight,eyeslatchedonthefanabovemeuntilIfeeldizzy.
Myphonebuzzesinmyhand,andIjump,hopingit’sher.
Butit’smymomcalling.Again.
Ipressthebuttononthesidetoignorethecall.Ilovemymom,lovethatshecaresenoughtocall,butIneedtofiguremyshitoutalone.Ihaven’tbeenaloneinwhatfeelslikeaverylongtime.
Withinminutesitvibratesagain.Thistime,Summeriscallingme.Iignoreitagain.
Overtheyears,I’vegrownaccustomedtofendingformyself.Ihaven’tbeenaccountabletoanyone.
Nowit’slikeI’mstretchedthin.I’mtoomanythingstotoomanypeople.Mygoalsandmyneedsseemtoclashwiththisnewperspectiveonlife,withthesenewpeopleinmylife.
I’vespentyearswantingnothingmorethantobemydad.TowinaWBRFchampionshipsoIcansayIfollowedinhisfootsteps.Now,whatIwantevenmoreistobethedadhecouldneverbebecausehecouldn’tgiveuponhisdream.Itwasneverenough.
Istillwanttowin,butthereareotherthingsIwanttoo.
IfeellikeWinterwhensheneededthattimealoneinthebath.Timealonegettinghernailsdone.
It’smyturn.I’msickovertonight.Myheartisheavywithregret.ButIneedamomentalonetoletshittythoughtsconsumeme,soIcanwakeuppreparedtogobacktoChestnutSpringsanddigRobValentineanicedeepholetolivein
Onehecan’tcrawloutofandupendmyfamilyagain.
ButatmidnightonaFriday,thereisn’tmuchIcando.So,Iturnmyphoneoff,plugitinacrosstheroom,andfallintoafitfulsleepwhereIdreamaboutWinterandViviandhowmuchImissthem.
ThenIdreamaboutthatnight.35Winter
*ThreemissedcallsfromTheo*
***
“Ma.”
IwakeuptoVivistickingherfingerupmynostrilinadarkenedroom.“Viv,whatareyoudoing?”
Irolltowardher,hopingshe’lldozebackoff,butshefightsmyhugslikeI’manassailantsheneedstoescape,soIlethergo.
Thefirstthingshedoesishonkmyboobs,likeshewantstoknowthemilkisthereandit’sanoption.Thenshecrawlsunderthecovers,andIknowwhatshe’sseeking.
Peter.
He’scurledbetweenmyfeetinmybed,whereIclearlycrashedwhileputtingVivitosleep.Ihaven’ttriedtoputherinhercribsinceTheoleft.I’vegrownattachedtohavingthefirmheatofhimnexttome,andI’mbasicallyusingViviastheworld’stiniestbodypillow.
Onewhopicksmynoseandgrabsmyboobsinthemiddleofthenight.
“Whydoyoulovebeingawakesomuch?”Igroan,scrubbingatmyfaceandcheckingmyphoneforthetime.
Midnight.
Memoriestrickleinasmyawarenessreturns.Therodeo.Thepaternitytest.Theoandhisbitchyattitude.
He’sgoingtogetanearfulforthatstupidlittledig.
“Hey?”Thedoorcracksopen,andIseeSummer’spetitefiguresilhouettedinthedoorway.“Areyouawakenow?”
“Apparently,”Imumblefrombehindmyhands.
“Okay,cool.”Mysistersoundswideawake.
Whenthebedsinksdownbesideme,myhandsfallawayfrommyface.
Summercrawlsrightunderthecovers—withoutasking—andIcan’tdoanythingbutstareather.It’ssomethingIwishedwedidaschildren.
Sheliesdownandfacesme,handsfoldedunderhercheek.Vivigigglesfromunderthecovers.
“Atleastshe’sinagoodmood.That’ssomething.”
“She’salwaysinagoodmood.She’slikeherdad.”
Summerrollsherlipstogetherandstaresatme.“Doyouthinkthat’swhy—”
“Hesaidwhathesaidtonight?”Tattlingtohismomfeltterriblyimmature,soIsteweduntileveryonebutSummerleft.ThenIrantedandravedtoheraboutwhathesaidonthephone.
“Yeah.Areyoumadathim?”
“Maybe.Butnotlikeyoumightthink.I’malsorelieved,becauseI’vebeenwaitingforthisshoetodrop.Hispatientandunwaveringcommitmentissuperhuman.It’snotnormal.Forthefirsttime,IgotaflashofhimbeingaregularinsecurehumanandIfindthatrelatable.Iknowhowtoreact.Thishappy,sunny,constantlyupbeatpersonislovely,butIfeellikeit’s…afacade.”
“Hasheaskedyouthatbefore?”
“NotsincethefirstnightwhenhekeptaskingifIwassure.Butneveradirectquestionaboutthepaternityorthetiming.Andthat’sthefirstthingI’dhaveasked.”
“Soyou’vebeenwaitingforthistocomeup?
Inod.“Yeah,Ithinkso.Itseemslikeanaturalprogressionforhowwewerethrustintothis.IthinktheRobnewswasathreattothisnewnormalwe’vecreated.Hejust…fuck,Sum.HejustrolledupoutofnowhereactinglikethisbighotBossDaddywhoswoopedintofixallmyshit.Hedidn’tevenbataneyelash.”
“Pleasetellmeyoudon’tcallhimdaddy.”
Alaughrushesoutfrombetweenmylips.“OnlywhenItalktoVivi.I’vebeentryingtogethertosayitasasurpriseforhim.Sofar,theclosestI’vegottenisherpointingatPeterandsaying,Da!So,I’mprettysureshesaiddogfirst.Pleasetakethattothegrave.ItdevastatedTheohemissedthoseearlydayswithherandI’msurehe’dchalkituptothat.”
“Well,it’snotlikePeterwasaroundtheneither.”
IrollmyeyesandfeelVivi’stinyhandsasshecrawlsbackupmybody.
“Hey,Win?I’mgonnatellyousomethingandIwantyounottoshutdown.”
Inod,mycheekrustlingagainstthepillowasIshifttomirrorSummer’sposition.“Okay.”
“I’vebeensittingupanddoingsomereading.Goingovertheletter.Doingsomesoul-searching.AndIthinkit’stimewereportRobtothemedicalboardforwhathappenedwithme.Evenifnothingcomesofit,itwillgiveusboththefreedomtotrulymoveon.”
Viviisatmystomachnow,andIpullherup.Thistime,shedoesn’tresistmyhug.ShenuzzlesintomyneckasthoughsheknowsIneedit.
“Ijustneverwantedtodragyoubackintohisorbit.He’sso…inescapable,andyoufinallydid.Iwanttodoittoo.”
Sheraiseshershoulderinaslightshrug.“Yeah,butnowhe’spickingonmysister,sohe’sputhimselfinmyorbit.Letmehelpyougetridofhim.”
Myeyessting.“I’msorry.”
“No,don’tapologize.Let’sdoittogether.Sisters.Yeah?”
“Yeah.Sisters.”Theroomissoftlylitfromthelightofthehallway,andIseewhiteteethasherlipsstretchintoapleasedsmile.
ItstrikesmeI’mnotverycollaborative.ThatIneverwouldhaveaskedhertodothisifshehadn’toffered.Itfeelsgood,notbeingaloneinthis.
Andsuddenly,allIwantisTheo.
Theo’svoice.Theo’sarms.Theo’scockywink.Iwanthimbackhere,holdingus.Goingtothatcourtdate.
Idon’twanttodoanyofitalone.Idon’tneedtodoitalonebecause,forthefirsttimeinmylife,Ihavepeoplewhowanttobetherewithme.
Everythingandeveryonearoundmehaschanged.
Butmorethanthat,I’vechanged.
“I’mgoingtogocallTheo.Feedthehellionandthenwe—”
“CanIsleepover?”Summerblurts.“Idon’twanttodrivebacktotheranch.ThehouseislonelywithoutRhett,andthegymisrightacrossthealley.”
Ican’thelpit.Asmallgigglebubblesoutofme.Iofficiallyfeellikealittlekid.“Yeah,Sum.I’dlovetohaveasleepover.I’llbeback.”
IscoopViviupandheadtothelivingroomwheretheTVisstillpausedonashotofTheo,sittinguponthefencepanels.Istareattheplayfulgrinonhishandsomeface,thehandswipingthroughhishair.
Vivipoints.“Dada!”
Isearchherface.“Seriously?Nowyousayit?”Sheblinks.IpointattheTV.“Whoisthat,Vivi?”
“Dadadadada.”
Withagrin,Iflopontothecouch,liftmyshirtforher,andcallTheoback.“WeshouldtellDaddyaboutthis,shouldn’twe?Givehimsomehappynewsthistime.”
Exceptitgoesstraighttovoicemail.Igazeatthephonewithasmallfrown.
Tenpasttwelve.
Hecouldbesleeping.Ishoulddothesame.OnceViviissuitablydozy,Iheadbacktobed,whereSummerhascrashedout,snoringsoftly.
Iclimbin,butallIdoisworry.Vivifallsasleepbetweenus,butIdon’t
IgetupandcallTheoagain.
Noanswer.
Itrynottoletmyheadgobacktohowwestarted.Thosedaysofcallingandtextingtotellhimsomething—alltonoavail.
Ibeatmyselfupfornotbeingmoreunderstandinginhisoneandonlymomentoffrustration.
IworrythatI’vedrivenhimtodosomethingthatwillruineverythingwe’vecreated.
Mymindisabeastthathasrunawaywithallmyrationalthoughts.Everyinsecurity.Everypettyconcern.Theyallfiltertotheforefrontuntilthey’reallIcansee.
AndeverytimeIgetuptocallTheo…
Itgoesstraighttovoicemail.
Itoss.Iturn.IeventuallymovetothecouchwhereIfinallyfindsleep.
ButIdon’trest,notreally.Instead,Idreamofthatnightandhowgooditfelttobewithhim.36WinterThatnight…
TheelevatordoorshavebarelyshutbeforeTheoopenshismouthandmakesmeblush.
“Ican’twaittoseehowfuckingprettyyoulookwhenyoucomewithmynameonyourlips.”
Thewordscausemetosuckinasuddenbreath.Butitdoesn’thelpmecatchmybreathbecauseTheoisonme.Hisfingersareinmyhair,palmsgrippingmyhead.Hislipsworkovermine,theperfectmixofsoftandhard.Theperfecttempoformetofindmywayandcatchupwithhim.
WhenIfeelhistongueswipeacrossmine,Iwhimper.It’snotslobbery,hedoesn’tshoveitinlikehe’sconqueringmymouthwithoutathought.Hecoaxesmeintoit,makesmewantmorebytormentingmewithnevergivingenough.
“More,”isallIcanverbalize—allI’mcomfortablesaying.
AllIknowisIwantmore.Moreofthis.Moreofhim.Moreofthisfeeling.
Agrowlrumblesfromhischestinresponse,andhepusheshisthighbetweenmylegsandshovesmeupagainstthewall.Mybodyjostles,buthedoesn’tstop.
Hekissesmeroughlynow,andIkisshimback.Hisstubbleraspsagainstmyskin,abradingmycheeks.Myfingersgriphisshirt,fistingthefabricandtugginghimcloser.Iwanthimsomuchcloser.
Hesmellsliketequila,andoranges,andspice.Iwanttodiveheadfirstintoapoolofthatscent.Ofhim
Igrindagainsthisthigh,notcaringifitmakesmeseemdesperate.Base.Shameless.
Tonight,I’mallofthosethingsandI’msheddingallthepartsofmyselfthattellmeIshouldcare.
ThesoftwhitesweaterfabricridesupmythighsasIpressmyselfagainsthim.
“Fuck,Winter.”HepullsawayandglancesdownatwhereI’mridinghisleg.Bareskinstretchesbetweenthetopofthethigh-highsockspeekingoutfrommybootsandthedisheveledhemlineofmysweaterdress.“Dothatagain.”
“What?”Ihuff,feelingthehotrushofmyflaringnervesstainmycheeks.
Hedoesn’tlookatmyface.Hehasonehandfistingmyhairwhiletheothertoyswiththetopofmystocking.“Thatthingwithyourhips.Ridemyleg.”
“Why?”
Aknowinggringraceshisshapelylips.“Becauseyoulookgooddoingit,andIbetitfeelsgood.Doesn’tit?”Hishandslidesupthebarestretchofmythigh,goingrightundertheboundaryofmydress.Awarm,callousedhandgripsmyass.
Idon’tmove.Actually,mylipsturndown.MybodyscreamsatmetodoitbecausethewayI’mholdingmyhipsbackfrommovingisalmostpainful.Butmyheadisjudgingme,tellingmethisisn’taproperwayformetoconductmyself.
AndTheoreadsmelikeafuckingbook.
“Yougonnashedthisprissyrich-bitchpersonatonightandenjoyyourself?Ordoyouwantmetofuckyoupolitely,likeyou’reusedto?Turnthelightsout.PatyouontheheadandthankyouwhenI’vefinished,butyouhaven’t?”
“Fuckyou,”Ibiteout,rightasmyhipsswivel,myclitdraggingagainstthefabricthatseparatesus.
Hechuckles,alldeepandwarm.“Attagirl.Takeit.Takewhatyouwant,andwhogivesafuckwhatanyonethinks.”Hisfingersdigintomygluteashemoveshisforearms,forcingmebackandforthonhisleg.
I’mpantingwhentheelevatordings.Myheadflipstotheopeningdoors,likeImightgetcaughtwithmyskirtup,grindingmyselfonthelegofamanwholookslikeagodandtalkslikeapornstar.
Butthenbothofhishandsareonmyass,andhe’shoistedmeup.Isqueakasmyarmsfindhisneckandhestridesoutoftheelevator,carryingme.Pastthetablewithfakeflowers.PastthechairI’msurenooneeversitsin.
“Someonemightseeus,”Iwhisper,eventhoughIseriouslydoubtthissmall-townhotelisverylivelyatthistimeofnight.
“Yeah?”Heturns,roughlypressingmeintoadoor,jostlingthehingesasheplundersmymouthagain.
Mylegswraparoundhiswaist,andIgrindonhimagain.“Isthisyou?”
Hesmilesagainstmymouth,grindingbackintomeandrattlingthedoor.“No.”
“Theo!”Ihiss,pushingathim.
Heswipesmywristswithonehand,pressingthemabovemyhead.
Anotherknockingsoundashedoes.
“Who’sthere?”Thevoiceontheothersideofthedoorfreezesme,butTheoonlychuckles.Hislipsandtonguestillmoveagainstme.It’slikehe’sfeedingmehislaughter,becauseIgiggle.Andthisisinsane
Suddenly,heliftsandturnsus.WeheadacrossthehallwayandoneslotdownwhereI’mpressedupagainstawholenewdoor.Thecloserwegettohisroom,eachtetherthat’skeptmetieddownsnaps.
“Sorry,Tink.”Histeethdragovermyneck.Hebitesandsucks.“Thosesocksaredrivingmewild.Couldn’tmakeitallthewaytomyroomwithoutaquickpitstop.”
ThedooracrossthehallwayopensandoverTheo’sshoulderIseeamiddle-agedmaninhisboxers,holdingaTVremote.Ittakeshimaminutetoregisterwhatwe’redoing.
IburymyheadinTheo’snecktoavoidhiseyes.“Shit,”Iwhisper.
“Getaroom!”hecallsout.
“We’retrying!”Theosaysback,turninghisheadtosmirkattheguy.
Istayhiddeninthecrookofhisneck,baskinginthefeelofhisbodywrappedprotectivelyaroundmine.
Theonlyresponsewegetfromtheguyistheslammingofadoor.Then,inaflurryofmotionandkissesanddesperatehands,wefallintoTheo’sroom.Onlyalampinthecornerlightsthespace,givingitawarm,dimglow.
Theosetsmedownatthefootoftheking-sizedbedandsays,“Strip.”
Withadeepbreath,Igivemyselfaninternalpeptalk.
Iamdoingthis.AndI’mgoingtoenjoyit.It’sgoingtofeelgood
BeforeIknowit,I’mpullingthelong-sleeveddressovermyhead.Itossitontothedeskandstandbeforehiminmywhitebraandpanties,toppedoffwithapairofhighsocks.Eventhoughhiseyesaredevouringme,Ikeepmyattentiononthedesk,tooshytomeetTheo’sgaze.
“Fuck.Lookatyou.”HetugsmybrastrapsoffmyshouldersbeforereachingbehindmeandreleasingtheclaspalmostbetterthanIcan.
Itrynottothinkabouthowmanybrashe’sremoved.
Howmanytimeshe’sdonethiswithotherrandomwomen.
“Eyesonme,Winter.”Hisfingerspressatmychintoturnmyhead.“Whatareyouthinking?”
“Thatyou’veprobablyremovedalotofbras.”
“I’veimmediatelyforgottenaboutanyofthem.AllIcanthinkaboutishowperfectyoulooklikethis.”Hedropstohiskneesandpressesakisstomystomach.“AllthewaysI’mgoingtoruinyoutonight.AllIseeisyou,Winter.”
Fingershookintothewaistlineofmythong,tuggingitdownuntilit’smid-thigh,stretchedbetweenmylegs.TheoSilvaiseyelevelwithmypussy.
“LikeIsaid.”Helickshislips.“Perfect.”
“Ibetyoualwayssaythat.”
Hischeektwitches,gazestillfixedbetweenmylegs.“Trustme,Idon’t.”Hiseyesturnuptomine.“WhatshouldIdonow?”
“Idon’tknow.”Mybreathscomehardandfast,heartrateaccelerating.“Whydoweneedtotalkaboutit?Can’tyoujustdoit?”
“Oh,becauseIliketohearyousayit.Thetoneofyourvoice.Thewayyou’reallpinkrightnow,pantingoverthethoughtofhavingtoaskforwhatyouwant.”
Mybrainfailsme.Mymouthdoesn’tmove.AllIcandoisstaredownatthisinsanelysexualmankneelinginfrontofme,askingmetosaythingsIneverhave.
Hismouthiscurledinaknowingsmirk.I’msofaroutofmydepth,it’snotevenfunny.
“ShouldIfinger-fuckit?”Histhumbslidesthroughmypussy,spinningacircleonmyclit.“Orlickit?”Hisheaddrops,thepointedtipofhistonguemirroringthemotion.
Myheadfallsback,handstohisdarkhair.Imoan.
“Useyourwords,Winter.Whichone?”
“Idon’tknow,”Irepeatbreathlessly,turningintoapuddleforthisman.Icanfeelmyselfleakingeventhoughhe’sbarelytouchedme.
“Okaythen,youcanshowmehowyoudoittoyourself,andwe’llfigureoutwhatyoureallyliketogether.”
Myheadsnapsdown.“What?”
Buthe’salreadystanding,pushingmebackagainstthebed.Thebackofmykneeshittheedge,andIfallontomyback.Hepeelsthepantiesfrommybodyandglideshispalmsuptheinsidesofmythighstospreadme.
Hishandsgripthetopofmysocksashestaresatmycore,eyesalight.
“Whataboutthesocks?”Iaskstupidly.
“Leavethesocks.Ilikethesocks.Nowtouchyourself.Showmehowyoudoit.”Hepushesmefartherupthebeduntilhe’speeringdownovermysplayedbody.
“Fuck,”Imutter,takingoneshakinghandandrunningitovermyself.I’malreadywet,whenI’musuallynot.
Hesaysnothing,justpressesmythighsopenandwatchesmypointerfingertrailthroughmyinnerlips.Isqueezemyeyesshut,tryingnottothinkhowImustlooktohim.
“You’refuckingbeautiful,youknowthat?”Hisvoiceisharshnow,rough.
Iaddmymiddlefinger,rubbingabsently,butit’shishandsIwant.Notmyown.
Myownarenervousanduninspired.Hisareroughandadept.
“Isthisreallyhowyoutouchyourself?”
Iopenmyeyestomeethis.“I…Imean,yeah?Idon’tdoitalot.I’mbusyanditneverreallyseemslikeagreatuseofmytime.Anditjustnever…doesitforme.”
Hegroansanddropstohisknees.“Youfeelinggoodisthebestuseofmytime.Pushafingerin.Let’sseeit.”
Imoananddoashesays,curlingmyfingerintomyself.Justknowinghe’swatchingmakesitdifferent—bettersomehow.
I’mslickandallIdoispullmorewetnessoutwitheveryslowthrust.
“Howisthat?”
Mynipplesache,andIcanbarelybreathe,butit’s…“Notenough,”Imurmur,honestly.
Onehandmovesoffmythighandheleansdownslightly,stilltoweringaboveme.
IsuckinabreathwhenIfeelhisfingerjoinmine.“Okay,let’strytogether.”
Idon’tevenbothertryingtotalk.There’snopoint.Allmywordsdisappearwhenhisthickfingerslidesinbeneathmine.Ourhandsbumpasheworksme.
Afterafewgentlethrusts,headdsasecondfinger.Mybackarchesoffthebedinasilentpleaformore.
Iwantmore,more,more
“Better?Isthatclosertobeingenough?”
“Yes.”
HegroanswhenIclencharoundus.
“Usethatfreehand.Let’sseeyouplaywithyourtitswhileIplaywithyourpussy.”
“Ohmygod.”ItoldthismanIdon’tcome,buthemightmakemealiar.BecauseasIfondlemybreastandrollmynipplebetweenmyfingerandthumb,Iwritheonthebed.
“DoyouknowwhatIthink,Winter?”
MyeyesglazeoverasIpeerupatthedark,dangerousmanaboveme.Ishakemyhead.
“I’mwatchingyou.Watchingyourbackarchwhileyournipplesgohard,feelingyoumakeamessofmyhandbeforeI’veevenreallystarted.”Hesmirks,droppinghisgazetowherewe’rebothstillwedgedbetweenmylegs.“Ithinktheonlyreasonyoudon’tcomeisbecauseyou’vebeenfuckingamanwhodoesn’tknowwhatyouneed.Amanwhoislazyinbed.Whodoesn’tknowhowtotakecareofyou.Butthat’sokay,becauseI’llshowyouhowthatfeelstonight.”
Inod,stillworkingatmybreast,watchingasTheodropstohiskneesattheendofthebed.“Nowgetyourfingersoutofmyway.I’mhungry.”
“It’sokay,youdon’tneedto,”Isay,grabbingathishair,tryingtopullhimbackup.
“Yeah,butIwantto,”isallhesays.
ThenhismouthisonmeandI’mhavinganout-of-bodyexperience.Robhasnever,everdonethisforme.AndIneverhadtheurgetoaskhimto.EvenifIhad,I’mpositiveitwouldn’thavefeltlikethis
LikeI’mbeingconsumed.Likehecan’tgetenough.
Theo’steethgrazemyclitandIjoltonthebed,visionblurring.“Fuck!”
HepushesafingerintoworkwithhistongueandI’mawrithing,whimperingmassoflimbs.
“Theo.I…ohmygod.Fuck.That’s…”Ican’tstringacoherentsentencetogether.TheonlythingIkeepaskingforis,“More.”
Andwhenheaddsasecondfinger,mouthsuctionedontomyclitwhileheimpalesmeroughly,moreiswhatIget.
MorethanI’veevergotten.
Withinamatterofminutes,IhaveanorgasmatthehandsofthemostinfuriatingandpersistentmanI’veevermet.
Andnotasinglepartofmeregretsit.
Infact,Iwantmore.37TheoThatnight…
Shedoesn’tsayanythingwhenshecomes,butherlegsshakeonmyshoulders.Herpussypulsesonmyfingersandshecoversherfacewithherhandslikeshecan’tbelievewhatjusthappened.
“Hardtoseeyouscreammynamewhenyoucoveryourfacelikethat,Tink.”HerheadshakesandIhearasoftlaughasIpullawayfromherbody,watchingherchestheaveandherduskynipplespointup.Iundomybeltbeforeshe’sevencomeoutfromhiding.“GuessthatmeansI’llhavetomakeyoucomeagain.”
Thathasherhandsdropping.“Again?”
MybrowsdroplikeI’munimpressedwithhersurprise.“Andagain.Andagain.Untilyoucan’tmove.”
“IalreadyfeellikeIcan’tmove.”Herhandsflopdownbesideher,andshestaresattheceiling.
“You’regoingtohaveto,becauseI’mnotdoneyet.”Withthat,Igrabheranklesandpullherdowntotheedgeofthebed,soherlegsarespreadwhileIstandbetweenthem.Istripoffmyclothes.Shirt,jeans,socks,boxers.Allgone.
Theonlythingleftistheshocked,hornylookonWinter’susuallyprimface
“Enjoyingtheview?”
Sheswallows,thecolumnofherthroatbobbing.“Yeah.You’re…”
Iquirkmyhead,curiousaboutwhereshe’sgoingwiththis.
Herhandreachesup,andtremblingfingersgentlytrailovermystomach,tracingmyabs,trackingtheV-linethatrunsdowntomygroin.
“Stupidhot.Likewhatintheactualfuck?”
Ipressmylipstogether,notwantingtolaughrightnow.Notbecauseit’sfunny,butbecauseshefinallysaidsomethingunfiltered.
Mydickisalreadyrockhardfromfinger-fuckingher.ButIpumpitafewtimes.Likingthewayhereyeslatchontothemotion.“Openyourmouth,Winter.”
Herwideeyesturnuptome,andherlipspart.Itracethemwiththehead,watchingthedropofpre-cumsmearoverhertoplip.Watchinghertonguedartout,likeshe’sdyingtotasteme,beforeopeninghermouthwideagain.
Idon’tthinkshemeantforittobesosensual,butitundoesme.Mycontrolsnaps.Itaketwofistfulsofherhairandpushmycockbetweenherlips.
Shehumsinsatisfaction,andthesoundvibratesthroughme.MybodyclenchesasIwithdrawandplungeinagain.It’sheavenhavingherwarmmouthallaroundme,hertongueswirling,handsroamingovermytorsoasIcontrolherhead.
Hergazeflitsuptomine,fulloffire.Want.Desire.Notatraceoficeasfarastheeyecansee.
Herheadgoesdownfartherandfarther,handsgrippingmyass.She’sswallowingmelikeshecan’tgetenough.Whenshegoestoofar,shedrawsbackabit,eyesglassyassheworksaroundthatreflex.
Thenshegoesbackdownformore.
“That’sit.”Igroan.“Chokeonit,Winter.”Shedoes,takingmeasfarbackasshecan.
She’sdrivingmeinsane,pushingmetotheend.Idon’twanttobethereyet,soIpullout.“I’mnotreadytocomeyet,Tink.NotbeforeIfuckyou.”Iswipeathumboverherswollenlipstoclearthesaliva,thenIleandownandwhisperinherear,“HowshouldItakeyoufirst?”
Shelicksherlips,anervousfluttertakingoverherlashes.Idon’texpecthertosayanything,butshesaysinaquietvoice,“Frombehind.”
“That’swhatyoulike?”Mythumbbrusheshercheekasshenodsupatme.“Good.”
Ilandaniponherearandflipheronthebed,liftingherhipssoherassisintheair.
“Condom?”sheasksoverhershoulder.
I’malreadypullingmywalletoutofmydiscardedjeans.TheonlyresponseIgiveheristhesoundoffoilripping,andamuttered,“Fuck,”asIrolltherubberovermyself.
Iswipethroughherwetness,watchingthewayherbackarches,herkneesslippingwideronthebedspread.She’ssoakedforme.
Iswipeagain.Ashiverracesdownherspine.Herpussythrobs.Herhipsrotateandshepushesherselfatme.
“Theo,please.”Sheglancesoverhershoulderatme,pinklipsdamp,eyesglazed.“Ineed—”
“This?”Islideinaninch,andherlipspopopenintoalittle“O”shape
“Yes.”
Herbodyvibrateswithneed.Icanfeelit.Mybodydoesittoo.
“Andthis?”Ipushinabitfurther.Herheaddrops,fingersclutchingthesheetslikeshe’sholdingonfordearlife.
“Howaboutallofit?”Itakeheralltheway,soI’mseatedfullyinsidehertightbody.
“Fuck,yes,”shehisses,droppingtoherelbowswhileItakeaholdofherhips.“Move,pleasemove.”
“Move?Orfuckyou?Iwannahearyousayit.”
Herpantscomeevenlikeadrumbeat.“Fuckme,Theo.FuckmesohardIforgetmyname.”
Yeah,that’swhatsheneeds.Toforgethernameandgetanewone.
“Happily,”IgrowlasIpulloutandslammyselfbackin.
Herbodybows,andhermoansturntoscreamsasIhitasteadyrhythm.Mygroansmixwiththewetsoundofourbodiescrashingagainsteachother.
Itugherhair.Shespreadsherlegsfurther.
Ipushherheadintothebed.Shechantsmyname.
Icanfeelherstarttocrumble,andslowmyassaultwhenshegetstoofrantic,tooclose.
“More,”shemurmursasIdrawbacktoadmirehersplayedoutforme,sosnugaroundmycock.
“More?”She’sagluttonforpunishment.“Icandomore.”
Ilifther,slippingoutasIwalkusovertothefloor-to-ceilingwindowsthatfaceoutoverthequiettown.Snowswirlslikeasnowglobeoutside.
“Handsonthewindowanddon’tmovethem.”Iplacethemontheglassaboveherhead.
“Andifsomeonedowntheresees?”
Igripherasscheeksandspreadherbeforesteppingupbehindherandglidingbackinslowly.“ThenIguessthey’regoingtoseehowprettythistightcuntlooksstuffedfullofmycock.”
“God,”isherhushedreply,rightasshegrindsherassbackontome.
HerbreathpuffsoutonthecoldwindowasIravageher,thefogwaxingandwaningwitheachheavypantspillingfromherlips.
Isqueezeherthroat.Ikissherneck.Ibiteherback.Shetakesitall,chantingmyname.
Herhips,herback,herlegs—everymoveshemakesisdesignedtogetclosertome.Totakeitdeeper.Harder.It’sneverquiteenough.
“More.Ineedmore.”
Mychestslidesagainstherback,ourperspirationminglingasIleanintoher,slidingmyhandaroundherbodytoplaywithherclit.“Likethis?YougoingtocomeonmycockifIdothis?”
Herheadshakes.She’sdelirious.Unhinged.Losttoitall.Aliveinawaythatmustbenewtoher.
Icontinueusingherpussywhileworkingmyfingersoverherclit.
“Stillmore.”
“Filthyfuckinggirl,beggingformore,”Iraspagainstherearasmyhandmovesupherthroat.Ipressmythumbbetweenherlips.“Suck.”
Shedoesinstantly,ourbodiesslowingslightlyasshehollowshercheeksoutandsucks.“Getitniceandwet,Winter.”Hertonguemovesnow,salivaswirling.
Ipulloutfromhermouthwithapop.ShegaspsforbreathwhenIplacemyhandonherassandcircletheentrance.“Yougoingtobendoverandbegmeformoreagain?”Ipresslightly.
Shefoldsatthehips,staresbackatmeoverhershoulder,andsays,“Yes.More.”
Imoveagain,slidingmydickinandoutofherpussywhileslowlyworkingmythumbintoherass.“Likethis,Winter?Iwannahearyousayit.”
“Yes.Likethat.”
“More?”
“More.”ShemoansrightasIslipallthewayin.
“Youhavenoideahowfuckinghotyoulook.Howfuckinggoodyoufeel.Bestfuckofmylife,”IgrindoutasIthrustagain.ShebucksbeneathmewhileIplayherbodylikeanexpert.
“Theo.Fuck.Thatfeels…”
Herhandsslideontheglass,andherlegsshake.
“IthinkI…”
Icanseethewayhereyeswidenwhensherealizesshe’sabouttocomeagain,soIdon’tletup.
“Theo!”shecallsmynameasshetopples,andIdon’tholdmyselfoffanylonger.
Everythingtightens,andItumbleoffthesamecliff.Mycockpulsesinsideherasshegripsmetightbeforeherlegsgiveoutandwebothcrumbletothefloor.Amessofsweat,weaklimbs,andbreathlesstouches.
Itiltherheadandkissher.“JustasprettyasIknewyou’dbe.”38WinterPresent…
I’mlyingonthecouch,wishingIcouldteleportmyselfbacktothefilthysimplicityofthatnight.Summer’spresencedrawsmefromthedreamIcan’tescapeto,nomatterhowmanytimesIwakeupandfallbackasleep.ThedreamwhereIwantmore—andItakeit.
“Iwokewithadogcurledupbetweenmyfeetandyourkidtryingtotakemyshirtoff.It’sonlyfivea.m.”
“Sorry,”Isayflatly,intoomuchofadazetoreact.
SummerapproacheswithVivislungonherhip.“Whatishappeningwithyouthismorning?Youlookterrible.Don’tworryaboutDr.Douche,asRhettcallshim.Histantrumwillendsoon.HardtoarguewithaDNAtest.”
“It’snothim.It’sTheo.Ican’tgetaholdofhim.I’vebeentryingallnight.”
“He’snotanswering?”Shepadsacrosstheroomandjoinsmeonthecouch.
“It’sgoingstraighttovoicemail.”
“Weird.”
Iscrubatmyeyes.“Yeah,itis.Atfirst,Ithoughthewasbangingsomebucklebunny,butIknowthathewouldn’t,sothatfearhasmorphedintotherebeingsomethingreally,reallywrong.Likeacaraccidentorsomething.IevengoogledtoseeifthereareanyactiveserialkillersinBillings.”
Summercovershermouth,pretendingtoconcealayawn,butIknowitwasalaugh.“Thereisn’tachanceintheworldthatmansomuchaslookedatabucklebunny.Areyoureallyoblivioustohowgoneheisforyou?”
“Iseeit,butIdon’ttrustit.Itfeelstoo…perfect.Anytimesomethingfeelsperfect,itblowsupinmyface.Asister.Ahusband.Ababy.”Idropmyheadbackandclosemyeyes.“Idon’twantTheotoblowup.I’llneverrecover.”
“Ma.”Vivireachesforme,andItakeher.Thesquishyfeelofherinmyarmsneverfailstocomfortme.
“I’llcallRhettandsee—”
“Yeah,couldyoucallRhettandaskhimwhichhotelandroom?”
“What?”
“RightafterIlookedupserialkillers,Ibookedaneighta.m.flighttoBillingssoIcouldreamTheooutinperson.Becauseoverthephonejustisn’tgoingtocutitafterthisshit.”
Summer’seyeswiden,butsherecoversquickly.“Alright,I’llpawnmyclientsoffforthemorninganddriveyoutotheairport.”
TheoneverbackeddownwhenIsnarledathim.
AndnowI’mgoingtoreturnthefavor.
BecauseheandI?We’remore.39Theo
Rhett:Youalive?
Theo:Yeah.Why?
Rhett:It’sbeenniceknowingyou.
Theo:What’sthatsupposedtomean?
***
I’mpacingmyroom,phoneinmyhand,practicingwhatI’mgoingtosaywhenIcallWinter.Sorrywon’tcutit,soIneedtofigureouthowIcanapologizeforthewayIdoubtedher.
BecauseIdidn’tjusttossoutaquestionaboutthepaternity.Iquestionedherintegrity.AndthatisonethingI’veneverdoubtedaboutWinter,nomatterhowpricklyorunapproachableshewas.
Aknockatmydoorstartlesme,anditmustbeRhett.He’sprobablygottenanearfulfromhiswifebynow.Ibethe’scomingtoknocksomesenseintome.
“What?”IgrowlasIflingthehotelroomdooropen.TheentireworldstillsaroundmeandIstopinmytracks.
Winterisstandinginthehallway,withaduffelbagslungoverhershoulder,eyesnarrowedlikeshemightstranglemewithhergazealone.
Incontrast,Viviissmilingatmefromherstroller,Peter’srubberchickeninherhand.
AndwhenIlooklower,Peterisattachedtotheendofaleash,trembling,likealways.
“Da!”MyheadsnapsbacktoVivi,whoispointingatme.“Dadadadada.”
“Didshejustsay‘dad’?”
Winter’shipcocksout,herpearly-whitefingernailstappingonherbicep.“Shedid,Theo.ShesaiditlastnightforthefirsttimewhenshesawyouontheTV.AndwhenItriedtocallyouandtellyouaboutit,doyouknowwhathappened?”
Iswallow,butitdoesn’thelpthelumpofdreadforminginmythroat.Itfeelsstuckthere,likeit’sgrowingthelongerIstandhereputtingthingstogether.
“Itwentstraighttofuckingvoicemail,Theo.All.Night.Long.”Herlipsthinasshesucksinadeepbreaththroughhernostrils.Sheremindsmeofadragon.
“Isthatwhyyou’rehere?”
“No,I’mherebecauseIwantedtokickyourassinperson.Ihaven’tsleptbecauseIstayedupallnightworryingaboutyou,yourstupidhandsomeface,andyourbig,talenteddick.”Onehandwavesoverthelengthofmybody.“Andjustyourstupidgeneralwellbeingbecauseyoufuckingconsumeme.”
Mystomachsinks,butI’mfrozeninplace,handgrippingthedoor.“Winter,comein.”
“No.”
“Youcameallthewayhere,andyou’renotgoingtocomein?”
“Icameheretoseethatyouwereinonepieceandalone.AndIhaveseenit.”
Alone.Fuck.Myfingersitchtograbherandyankherinherewithme.
“WhydidyoubringPeter?”
“Becausehe’spartofourfamily,nomatterhowmuchheremindsmeoftheweirdsquirrelfromIceAge.AndIlikeitwhenhesleepsbetweenmyfeet,sohe’sstuckwithmenow.Justlikeyou.”
“ThesquirrelfromIceAge?”
“Tellmewhyyourphonewentstraighttovoicemail.”
Iswipeahandthroughmyhairandblowoutabreath.“Ihadamoment,okay?Aweak,petty,insecureone.Ineededapityparty.Yousaidyoudidn’tneedme.Everyoneelsewasblowingmeup.Itdidn’tfeellikeIcouldfixanything,andallIdidwasmakethingsworse.AndIknewyouwereangryatme,soIfiguredI’dshutitdownforthenight.”
“Youdon’tgettoshutitdownforanight,Theo!”sheshouts.“Yougottoditchyourphoneoncebeforeandthatreallyfuckingsuckedforme.Ishouldhaveshowedupthenanddemandedyoupayattentiontome.ButIdidn’t.SoI’mherenow,demandingyoupayattentiontome.”
“Winter,Iamsofuckingsorry.”
“Therearepeoplewhoneedyounow.We’restrongerthanthis.Andyeah,Iwasangrywithyou.Thatwasadumbthingtosay.Butguesswhat?I’mgoingtogetmadatyoufromtimetotime.Peoplewhoaretogethergetmadateachother.Theysayshittythingstheyregret.It’snormal.Beinghappy-go-luckyTheo,whoticksnooneoffandneverhasabadday,isnotnormal.You’reallowedtofreakout.”Shepauses,breathingheavily.“Butyouhavetofreakoutwithme.”
Mynoseburns.EvenVivilooksseriousnow.
“I’msorry.”MyvoicecrackswhenIdropmyhead.
“YouhavetofreakoutwithmebecauseIneedyou.AndIloveyou.Iloveyousomuchitparalyzesmetothinkofcarryingonwithoutyou.You’renotallowedtoshutmeout.Becauseyoumademeneedyou,andnowyouhavetodealwiththeconsequences.”
Idon’tignoretheacheinmyhandsthistime.Ireachforthewomanstandingacrossfrommeandcrushhertomychest.AsurprisedyelpleaveshermouthathowquicklyImove,butshedoesn’tresist.Myarmswraparoundhertinyframe,andIsuckinadeepinhaleofherwarmcinnamonsugarscentasIcradleherheadagainstmyheartandclosemyeyes,sinkingintoher.
“I’mreallymadatyou,Theo.”
“Understandable.”Iglancedownatthestrollerbesideus.Vivi’swidedarkeyesgazeupatme.“I’mmadatmetoo.”
“Really,reallyfuckingmad,”sheamends.
Idustmylipsbackandforthoverherhair.“Butyouloveme?”
Shedoesn’thesitate.“Somuchithurts.”
Isqueezehertighter,soakinguphowwellshefitsagainstme.Warmandsoft.“Welcometotheclub,Tink.”
Shetipsherheadbackandholdsmygaze.Althoughshelookstired,hereyesaresparkingliketheywerethefirsttimeshetoreastripoffme.“Iloveyou.”Shesaysthewordsagainlikethey’reunfamiliarinhermouth,likeshe’sgettingusedtohowtheyfeelonherlips.Likeit’sanewlanguagetoherentirely.
Myhandscombthroughthewarmgoldenstrandsofherhair.“Iloveyoutoo.Nowwouldyoucomeinheresowecanallbetogetherwhileyou’rebeingreally,reallyfuckingmadatmeandIfreakoutbecauseIloveyouandwanttokillyourex?”
Shepullsawayanddustsoffherperfectlycleanclothes.“Yeah.Thatsoundsperfect.”
IglancedownatPeter,whoisnowsittingandshaking.“Idon’tthinkthisisadog-friendlyhotel.”
Winterscoffs.“He’sbarelyadog,morelikearatorasquirrel.”Shepushespastme.Bag.Stroller.Baby.Dog.
Myentirelifeinoneroom.Andshe’sright.I’mstillfreakingout.
Butsomehow,Ifeelbetterwiththemhere.
“Noslutsinhere,right?”shequips,glancingaroundtheroom,lookingforevidenceofsomethingIwouldnever,everdotoher.
“Onlyone,”IreplyasIhugherfrombehindandrubmystubbleoverhercheek.
AndWinterHamiltonrollinghereyesatmehasneverfeltsogood.
***
“Okay,Theo.”Rhettsnapshisfingersinfrontofmyfacewhilewesitatopthefence.
Ishouldbelistening.Ishouldbewatching.Ishouldhavemyheadinthegame.
Exceptmygirlsareinthestands.
Theonewhohasbeensayingthesamesyllablesoverandoveragainallday.AndtheonewhonappedinmybedandscowledatmetheminuteIcamebacktomyroomwithPeterandViviinhand.
“Stillmadatme?”Iasked.
“No,I’mmadatmyself.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI’msupposedtobemadatyou,butwatchingyourollaroundwithatoddlerandachihuahuamakesmewantto…”Shewobbledherheadandrolledherhandaroundasawayofexplanation.
“Droptoyourkneesandputthatsnarkymouthtogooduse?”
Sheglared,butherlipstwitched.Thetiniesttwitch.“Nevermind.I’mstillmadatyou.”
Butnowshe’sinthestands,holdingourdaughter.Andwearingapairofcowboybootswithanornatesteeltoe,tightfuckingjeans,andatanktopthatdoesnothingbutshowoffherbreasts.Iswearthere’soilonthem,judgingbythewaythelightsreflectofftheroundtops.
“Dude,wakethefuckup.Getyourheadinthegame.”RhettpokesmeintheribsandIrecoil.
“Ow.Thathurt.”
“ThankmelaterwhenWinterwantstogiveyouacongratulatoryblowjobforwinning.”
Irubatthespotwherehejammedhisfingers.“Rude.”
“FastFiredoesn’tcareaboutwho’sinthestands.Hejustwantsyoudead.Youdrewagoodbull.Unlessyoufalloff,thenyoudrewameanfucker.Don’tlethimwin.”
Thatcommentsnapsmeoutofmyhornystupor.
“You’rethelastridertogo.ThatwormEmmettcamebackwithagoodscoretoday.Betterthanyouscoredlastnight.Hewon’tgiveupthechampionshipeasily,sobuckleup,Buttercup.You’regonnaneedtohitthespurshardtonight.”
Inod.He’sright.I’mgoingtohavetomakethisbullmadderthanhealreadywillbe.Andhe’salreadyknowntobewrathful.That’swhyhe’sgotaspotonthecircuit.
“Shouldersback.Chindown.Andgetreadyforthedirectionchangesoyoudon’tgostraightdownthewell.I’monlygoingtobeyourheroonceinthislifetime.Gotit?”
“Gotit.”Ifeelitthen.Thefocus.Thecalm.ThesenseI’msittingexactlywheremydadoncewas.Doingwhathedid.
EverytimeIstepuphere,everytimeIsitonabull,IfeelclosertomydadthanIdoanywhereelse.
WewatchJude.Helaststheeightseconds,butitwasasimpleride.Nothingthejudgeswilllove.
“Headsup!FastFire!”someonecalls.
Theblackbulltrotsdownthechutestraightintothepen,eyeswild,astringofsalivaalreadydrippingfromhismouth.
Somepeoplemightthinknowiswhenthenerveskickin,butforme,it’stheopposite.
Nowiswheneverythingotherthanastupidlevelofconfidenceinmyselfmeltsaway.Myheartrateevensout.Everyrationalthoughtinmyheadgrowswingsandtakesflight.
I’mthefuckingbestatthis.AndI’mabouttoproveit.
IdropontoFastFire’sbackandhejostlesmearound,pitchingafit.Iignorehim,tugthebullrope,andstrokeittowarmtherosin.
It’ssecondnature,stepsIcoulddowithmyeyesclosed.Ithrivewiththedependabilityoftheprocess.
Asmyhandworksovertherope,IpeekuptowhereWinterandViviareseated
Correction:wherethey’restanding.
Winterisonherfeet,bodyswayingbackandforth.ShehasViviproppedonherarmlikeit’saseat,facingoutoverthering.
Ithinksomeonebehindhertellshertositdownbecauseherlipsclearlysayfuckoff
Agrintwistsmylips,andIturnmyfocusbacktomyhand.Wrappingtherope.Testingthetightness.Shiftingmyseatonthebull’sback.Givinghimonerollofthespurtopisshimoffmore.
Rhettsayssomethingtome,butIblockhimout.
AndInod.
FastFirerocketsintothering,buckinghardenoughthattheclumpsofdirtflyingfromhishooveshitmyhelmet.Hespinsleftviciously.Withmycoreengaged,armheldintheperfectL,Idon’tlethimshiftme.
Ikeepmychindown,butdon’tlookattheground.That’snotwhereIwanttoendup.
Myfeetslideback.Myspurshitagain.
Hedropsashoulder.Heturns.
IexpectitandsmilewhenIkeepcenteredthroughthechangeindirection.
“Gotyou,fucker,”Igritout,havingthetimeofmylife.
Itisboththefastestandslowesteightsecondsofmylife.ThebuzzersoundsandIgetthehelloutofthere.AcowboyridesupbesidemeandIreachforhim,takingtheliftdownandawayfromthebull.Mydaysoftemptingfatebydoingashowydismountaredone.
TherodeoclowndistractsFastFire,andIbeelineitforthesideclosesttoWinter.Iclimbthefence,ripmyhelmetoff,andlookforherimmediately.
Viviisgettingjostledinherarms,becauseshe’sjumpingandscreaming.Hootinglikeamadwoman.
“Get’em,baby!”sheshoutsasshewavesatme.
Andwhentheyannouncea96.25score,shestartsalloveragain.IcarealotlessaboutthescorethanIdoaboutlaughing.Mychestcrackswideopenfortheblondewhois“reallyfuckingmad”atmebutisherecheeringherassofflikeI’mherfavoritepersonintheworldwhileholdingourdaughter.
It’scrazy.It’sunbelievable.It’sunlikely.
Thewomaneveryonetoldmewascold,mean,andunavailableissothoroughlymine
Andthat’sspecial.That’severything.
“Winter!”Icallupatleasttenrows.“Getyourfineassdownhere!”
Hercheeksturnpink,blueeyesglitteringlikesapphires.Withawidegrin,sheshovespastpeopleinherrowtohitthestairs.
Whenshegetstome,sheclimbsupacoupleofrungsandbreathlesslyblurts,“I’mnotmadatyouanymore.I’mjustreally,reallyhornyafterthatride.”
Shesaysitloudenoughthatthetrillofchucklesfiltersinfromaroundus.
IkissVivi’scrownandgiveWintermymostknowingsmirkbeforewhisperinginherear,“AmIfuckingyoulikeaprincessoraslutlater?”
Andjustbeforeshekissesme,shechucklesandrespondswith,“Idon’tcareaslongasyoufuckmelikeI’myours.”
Ikissherbackandthenleapfromthepanelswithacockywinkinherdirectionbeforeturningandstridingtowardthepodiumthey’vemovedintoplace.Emmettiswaitingonthelowerside.
“Don’tgetusedtoit,Silva.You’renotastalentedasyourdad.”
“Charming,Bush.”Islaphimontheshoulder.Eventhisdouchecan’truinmygoodmoodtonight.
Istepupabovehim,usinghisshoulderlikeabanistertogetintoplace.“Imightnotbetalentedlikehim,butIamnicelikehim.So,congratsonyourseasonsofar.”
Hegivesmeastunnedexpression.
Igrinbeforeadding,“It’sashameI’mabouttoruinit.”
Thesuitscomeoutandtalkaboutthenight—thesport,thethrill—butmygazekeepsshiftingbacktoWinter.Rhetthasmovedovertojoinheronthefenceandthey’rebothwatching.
I’msnappedoutofgawkingatherwhentheannouncerasksmetotalkaboutmyfirstweekendbackafteraninjury.
“Breakdownyourwinforustonight.”
ItakethemicrophonefromhishandbutlookbackoveratWinter,allshinyandglowing.Allsmilesandexcitement.
Allmine.
“Well,mytimeoffwentdifferentthanexpected,”Istart.“Therehabwasfairlystraightforward.Idon’tthinkI’llhaveanylastingeffectstoworryabout,whichisgreat.Buttherealhighlightwasgettingtospendsomequalitytimewithmyfamily.”Itipmychintowardthefence.“Gotmybabygirlandmyfuturewifeherewithmetonight.Theymakethiswinextraspecial.”
Theannouncerchucklesandacollectivechorusofawwsoundsfromtheaudience,butmygazestayslockedonWinter.
Shedoesn’trollhereyesatmyshowboating.
Shewinksatme.
“Anythingyouwanttosaytothisfuturewifeofyourstonight,Silva?”
Idon’tneedtothinktwice.
Iholdthemicuptomylipsandmurmur,“Tevivo.”
It’sbetterthan“Iloveyou”.
It’smoreaccurate.
It’sus40Winter
Kip:IknowIhaven’tbeenthereforyou,butIwanttochangethat.Iwanttohelp.SummertoldmeaboutRob.Pleaseletmeputyouintouchwithmyfamilylawyer.She’sthebest.
Winter:OfcourseSummerdid.Whydoyouhaveafamilylawyer?
Kip:Haveyounotspokentoyourmom?
Winter:Ha.Seriously?IstoppedspeakingtoMarinathedayshesuggestedIpassVivioffasRob’s.Didshenottellyou?
Kip:Well,we’renotonspeakingtermseither.Askingforadivorcewentoverpoorly
Winter:You’regettinga
divorce?
Kip:Yes.
Winter:Finally.
Winter:Andyeah,I’lltakethatcontact.
***
“Doyouwantmetothrowtheseflowersout?”
Theoeyesthevaseofredrosesinthemiddleofthecounterlikehewantstopulverizethem,notjustthrowthemout.
“No.I’mkeepingthem.”
Hescowlsatme.He’sbeeninabitofafunksincegettinghome.Iknowheplannedtostayontheroadbetweenthetwoevents,toimmersehimselfintheback-to-backweekendcompetitions.
ButItoldhimIneededhim,andhecamebackwithoutbattinganeyelash.
“Forwhatreason?”
“They’repretty.”Ishrug.“Seemsashametowastethem,youknow?”Ipointathim.“Isthatwhatyou’rewearingtocourt?”
Helooksdownathimself.Darkjeanshughismuscularthighs,andawhiteshirtwithadeepVshowsthechainthathangsoveralightdustingofchesthair.He’spulledthebrimofhiscapdownlow,butIseehisbrowsknittedtogetherandhisexpressionofgenuineconfusion.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
Iwaveahandovermysapphirebluepantsuit,feelingmorelikepre-babyWinterthanIhaveinalongtime.“Isthatwhatyou’rewearinginthecourthouse?Imean,ifyouwearthoseunlacedbootswiththat,I’llmaulyouafterweleave.ButIwasjustwondering.”
“Iwasn’tplanningtogoin.”
MyhandfreezesovertheglassofwaterIwasabouttopickup.“What?”
“Imean,thesummonswasforyou,right?AndVivi?”
“Yes.”Isaythewordslowly.
“SowhywouldIcometoo?Isn’tfamilycourtkindofsmall?Wouldn’titbefrowneduponifIwalkedoverandbeattheshitoutofDoctorDouche?I’mtryingnottobeoverbearing,butthetruthis,Winter,I’mfeelingreallyfuckingoverbearingaboutthis.I’mnotsureI’llbeabletokeepmycoolinthere.”
Mychestgoescoldevenasmyheartaccelerates.I’mnervousaboutcomingfacetofacewithRob.Iknowhe’llbewearingsomesmug,condescendingsmirk,allpleasedwithhimselffordrummingthisshitup.
Iadmitthetruth,becausethere’snowayinhellIcandothiswithoutTheoatmyside.“I’mscared.Idon’twanttogoalone.”
It’shisturntogostill,tostarebackatmeandturnmywordsover.Becauseit’sonethingformetotellhimIneedhimandanotherthingformetoshowhim.Andtoday,Ireallyneedhim.Hispresencebesideme,hishandwrappedaroundmine.Webothknowwhattheresultswillbe,butit’sstillscary.
Ibabbleon,feelinglikeImightliterallygetonmykneesandbeghimifhecomesbackwithanotherreasonheshouldn’tjoinme.“She’syourdaughter.Ineedyoutherewithme.Allofustogether.”There’satremorinmyvoiceasIfinishoutthesentence.“Please.”
“Winter,comehere.”Heholdshisarmsopen,andIgotohim,breathinginthatcitrusandspicescentIassociatewithallfeelingsofhome.Withmyheadtothecrookofhisneck,hefoldshisbicepsaroundmeandnuzzlesdownintothesideofmycheek.“Iwillgowhereveryouwant.Iwillwearwhateveryouwant.Iwillneverturnmyphoneoffagain.Iwillalways,alwaysbethereforyou.ForVivi.Youdon’tneedtobeg,andyoudon’tneedtosayplease.ForaslongasIlive,foraslongasyouneedme,you’llhaveme.Okay?Neverdoubtthat.”
Inod,butdon’tsayanything.Ijustsqueezehimtighter,relishingthesensationofhisstrongarmswrappedaroundme.
“BecauseI’myourfuturewife?”Iask,tryingtolightenthemood.
“Obviously,”hevolleysback.
“Didyoureallycallyourmomandtellherthat?”
Hesnorts.“Yeah,Tink.Whenyouknow,youknow.”
Hetrustshimselfsothoroughly.Doesn’tsecond-guesshimself.Noone’severprovedtohimheshouldn’t.
Ilovethatabouthim.
“Iloveyou,TheoDaleSilva.”
“Iloveyoutoo,Winter…”
Awincemovesmyshoulders.I’vebeenwaitingforthistoblowbackonme.“Don’tlaugh.”
“Iwouldnever.”
“Okay,it’sPeggy.”
“Peggy?”
“Shutup.”Inuzzlein,bitingthesidesofmytongue,soIdon’tlaugh.
“LittleWinterPeggyhasbeenmakingfunofTheoDaleformonthsnow.It’sjustinteresting,that’sall.”
Unabletoholdbackmylaugh,Itipmyheadandpeerupathim.“TheoDalesoundslikesomewhereelvesliveinMiddle-earth!”
“WinterPeggysoundslikeafarmerBarbiedollthatcomeswithasnowsuit.SummerPeggycomeswithabathingsuitandapairofsunglasses.”
Silentlaughterracksmybody.It’snoteventhatfunny,butit’sthestressreleaseIneeded.
Theogrinsatme.“Sofuckingprettywhenyoulaugh.”Hekissestheappleofmycheek,thentheother,andfinisheswithmyforehead.“LetmegogetchangedsoIcanmatchmylittlePowerSuitPeggy.”
Andonlyafewhourslater,afterasimpleswipeofVivi’sinsidecheek,TheoandIwalkoutofthatcourtroom.Meinmypantsuit,andTheolookingdevastatinginastarkblacksuitofhisown.HeholdsmyhandandkeepsViviheldtightagainsthissideliketheprotectivepapaheis.
Idon’tevenspareRobaglanceaswepass.Ikeepmychinhighandmyshouldersback.Idon’twanttogivehimthesatisfactionofacknowledginghispresence.
However,IdoglanceupatthehandsomemanIgettocallmyown.
Andaswepassmyex…
Theowinksathim.
***
NowthatI’vedecidedit’sokaytoneedTheoasintenselyasIdo,it’shardtobeasmatureaboutlettinghimwalkoutthatdoortogoontheroad.
Allittookwasoneshy,“Youcouldalwayscomewithme?”tosealthedeal.
Forthenexttwoweeks,Itravelwithhim.SodoesVivi.SodoesPeter.Mostofthehotelsarenotdog-friendly,butIdon’taskpermission,whichmeanstheynevertellmenottobringhim.WehitFortWorth,Texas—whereIrealizeTheoisn’tnearlyasmuchofacowboyasIthought—andthenSanAntonio.
WestrolltheRiverWalkanddineout.Hetrainshard.Icheerlikealunaticeverytimehegetsonabull.WemakeloveintheshoweronceVivi’sdownforthenight.IfallasleepwithTheo’sstrongarmsaroundmeattheendofeverysingleday.
Andwhenwewalkupthefrontstepstoourlittlehouseonatree-linedstreetinChestnutSprings,wecomefacetofacewiththeenvelopewe’vebeenwaitingfor.
Plusonemore.Onehedoesn’tknowabout.
Thepaperiscoolinthepalmofmyhandasweheadintothehousewithbagsandcarseatsandstrollers.Travelingwithachildhasgivenmeawholenewappreciationforhowblissfulitistotravelalone.
Andyet,thethoughtoftravelingalonefillsmewithdread.I’dmuchratherschlepallourshitaroundandstaywiththislittlefamilyI’vepiecedtogetheroverthepastfewmonths.Viviturnsoneinaweek.Igobacktoworkaweekafterthat—somethingI’vebeentryingtopretenddoesn’texist.
I’vealwayslovedmyjob.It’salwaysbeentheplacewhereIcanescapereallifeandthrowmyselfintoworkIenjoy.
ButIdon’twanttoescapemylifeanymore.Iwanttosetupshopandstayrightsmackdabinthemiddleofit.WatchingViviwalkeverywhereandlearnnewwords,watchingTheokickasseveryweekend.
Viviisfussing,tiredandirritatedfromtheflight,soTheoscoopsherup.“I’mgoingtogoputherdownforabit.Youopenthat.I’llbeback.”Hebarelylooksatmeashegivesherkissesandwalksdownthehallway.
Hisassisphenomenalinthosejeans.
“Okay,”Imurmur,pullingoutastooltositatthekitchenisland.
Theenvelopeaddressedtomeunraveledusinsomanyways,butmaybeituntangledussowecouldbraidourselvesbacktogether.Tighter.Maybethisordealhasbroughtusthesortofpeaceweneverwouldhavehadwithoutit.
MylipscurveupbecauseTheoisnervousaboutthisenvelope.
Eversincethatonecomment,hehasneverquestionedmeaboutVivi’spaternity.Inhisheart,heknows,butRobputaspeckofdoubtthereandhehasn’tquitebeenabletoletitgo.Healsorespectsmetoomuchtoputthatquestionoutagainthough.
Me?Ialreadyknowwhatstorythesepaperswilltell.They’regoingtotellmethereisnopossiblewayRobgotmepregnantthroughthewallsofourseparaterooms.It’sgoingtotellmethatthehottestnightofmylifespentinahotelwithamanIbarelyknewlinesupperfectlywiththedayViviwasborn.
Perfectlyimperfect.That’sTheoandme.
SometimesIwonderifwe’dhaveendedupwherewearetodayifthingshadn’tplayedoutthewaytheydid.Ifhe’dknownaboutherrightaway,wouldIhavetakenmyfreshstart?WouldIhavecutpeopleoutofmylifewhoneededcutting?WouldIhavefoundthesenseoffreedomIdidinthosemonthsIspentlivingonmyown?OrwouldIhavedraggedTheointothemaelstromofmyfamilydrama?WouldIhavefeltIwentfrombeingunderoneman’sthumbtoanother?WouldSummerandIbewherewearenow?
Somanywhat-ifs.Butitfeelslikeeverythingworkedoutexactlythewayitwasmeantto.
“Well,shefellasleepinabouttenseconds.”
“Figuredasmuch.”Thesightofhimstealsmybreathlikeitdidallthosemonthsago.Ruggedandhandsomeandsensual.Hemakesmymouthwaterandmystomachflip—hemakesmeferalinawayI’veneverfeltforaman.HewokeupapartofmeIneverknewexisted,alittlepieceofmyselfIwaslivingwithout.
“So?Didyouopenit?”
Itiltmyheadathim.“DidyoureallythinkIwouldopenitwithoutyou?”Hetakesaseatbesideme.Hiskneetouchesmine,andhemoveshisfootovertothebottomrungofmystool.
Thenhetugsthestoolclosersomylegsfitbetweenhis.
Justlikethatnightinthehotelbar.
“Okay,Tink.Let’sopenit.”
“Them.Ihavetwothingshereforyou.”
Hisdarkeyesarelightlyhoodedashestaresdownatthecounter,andIdecidetoputhimoutofhismisery.Ifhe’snervous,I’mexcited.ThisenvelopemeansIcanfinallydeliverthatlastkillingblowtoDr.RobertValentine.
TheothermeansthatVivicanbehisinawaysheshouldhavebeenfromtheverybeginning.
Iripthembothopenandunfoldthesheets.LayingtheminfrontofTheo,sidebyside.Idon’tbotherreadingthem.Instead,Iputmyhandonhisbackandwatchhisface.Hisheavybrows,thestubbornsetofhisjaw,thestraightlinedownhisstrongnose.
Andthejoyinhiseyeswhenhehitstheinkthatconfirmswhatwealreadyknew.
Hewasn’tthereforVivi’sbirth,buthecanbehereforeverymomentafterbecausehe’sherdad.
Thenhisgazeshiftsover,tothepapershewasn’texpecting.TheonesthatdetaillegalnamechangefromVivienneHamiltontoVivienneLorettaSilva.MywayofshowingTheothathe’llneverbeaninterloper—he’sstuckwithusforlife.
Hesaysnothing,butIwatchhisthroatwork.“This…thisis…”
“Ifyouwant,wecangetanotherDNAtestdonetoofficiallymatchyouwith—”
Hespinsandkissesme,hishandstanglinginmyhairasheclaimsmewithhismouth,brandsmewithhishands.
Wedon’ttalk.There’snothinglefttosay.Wetalkwithourhandsaseachpieceofourclothinggetsdiscarded.Wetalkwithourlipsashelaysmeonthecouchandhoversoverme.Wetalkwithourbodiesaswecometogetherachinglyslowandthemostdelicioustensionunfurlsbetweenus.
ItstrikesmethatperhapsI’mnotaneasywomantolove,butTheodoesitsoeffortlesslythatIfeellikeIcouldbe.LikeIdeservetobe.
Icomealivebeneathhishands.Icomeapartbeneaththemtoo.Andheputsmebacktogethereverydamntime.
Weliehereintheafterglow,bodiesstickywithperspiration,heartsbeatingagainsteachother,armswrappedtightlikenothingintheworldcouldpullusapart.
“Youreadytothrowthoseflowersoutnow?”Theo’shuskyvoicepullsmefrommythoughts.Heglancesoveratthesideboard,uponwhichsitsthevasecontainingmoldywaterandblack,wiltedroses.“Becausenowthey’remoregrossthantheywereinthefirstplace.”
Irubmycheekagainsthistonedchestandgiggle,feelinglighterthanIhavein…well,maybeever.
“No.Ihaveaplanforthose.”41Winter
Winter:Youready?
Summer:Very.
***
IheartheshuffleofthreeothersetsoffeetbehindmeasIwalkupthewindingbrickpathwaytothehouseIusedtocallhome.Now,comparedtowhereIlivewithTheo,itfeelsgaudyandoverdone.Bigandempty.Ittakesupeverysquareinchofspaceonthelot.Thetreesaretoosmallandnew,andIcanheartherushoftrafficfromthenearbyfreeway.
It’snotChestnutSprings.
It’snothome.
WhenInearthethreemarblestepsthatleadtothemassivedoor,Ipeerovermyshoulder.Summerisgrinningalmostmaniacally.Rhettisstandingbehindher,handsonhershoulders.
Butit’sTheowhokeepsmestaring.Likealways.
He’sleanedupagainstthesideofthegarage,armscrossed.Plainwhiteteestretchedoverhisbiceps.Jeanshugginghislonglegsinawaythatmakesmymouthwater.
Combatbootstuggedcarelesslyoverthetop.
Lacesnottied.
IrememberthinkingoncethattheverylastthingIneededinmylifewasamanwhodidn’ttiehislaces.
Itmakesmelaughnow,alightlittlechucklethatbubblesupfromsomewherenearmyheart.
HowwrongIwas.
IfeellikeherolledupandloosenedmylaceswhenIdidn’trealizeIwastiedupfartootight.
“You’regawking,Tink!”hecallsoutandIflush.Ofcourse,I’mgawking.TheoSilvawasthehottestmanI’deverseenbackthen,andhestillisnow.
Hewinksatme.
Irollmyeyes.
AndthenIturn,marchuptothedoorandringthedoorbell.IknowRobishomebecauseIcalledthehospitalandaskedmyfavoritechargenursetoconfirm.Ittakeshimawhiletogettothedoorbecausethehouseisobnoxiouslylarge.
Whenheanswers,he’swearingapinkpoloshirtandapairofwhiteshorts.Hishairisperfectlycoiffedtocoverhisrecedinghairline.
Ialmostrecoilatthesightofhim,butit’snotjustphysical.Robhasshownhistruecolorsinrecentmonths,andthey’reugly.
Thismanisrottentohiscore.
Justlikethevaseofdead,mustyflowersI’mholding.
“Winter.”Helookssmuguntilhiseyestrailbehindmeandhenotestheaudience.
Thisisamanwhothrivedonmebeingisolated,havingnoone.AndhereIam,withpeoplewholoveandsupportme.WhoshowupformeevenwhenI’mnotatmybest.
Hisgrinmeltsaway,likeaprettymaskslippingfromhisfacetorevealalltheuglinessbeneath.
“Hi,Rob.”Iholdtheflowersouttohim.
Hetakesthembeforeglancingdownandrealizingthey’redecaying.Adry,curledleaffallsathisfeet.
“Ireallyenjoyedthese.Theywerebeautiful.ThenIwentoutoftownwithmyfamilyforabit.Camebackandsawthemlikethis,allmoldyandrotten.Remindedmeofyou,soIfiguredIwouldhand-deliverthem.”
“Youcameheretogivemedeadflowers?”
Ismile.It’safake,practicedsmile,oneIusewhenapatientispissingmeoff.“No,Icametodelivertheenvelopethat’stapedtothefront.”Ipointatthevase.“Rightthere.”
Hisfacescrunches,buthedoesn’tmakeamovetotouchit.
“SummerandIputalotofworkintoouraffidavits,soIhopeyouenjoythem.Iknowthehospitaladministrationandthemedicalboardwill.”
Anormalpersonwouldgowhite.They’dbeterrified.ButRobgoesfromredtoadeeppurple.I’mnotsureI’veeverseenhimsoangry.
“Youwouldn’tdare.”
Hisvoiceispurevenom,buthedoesn’tscaremeanymore.Istepclosertohim,liftingmychinandnarrowingmyeyesasIpluckadeadpetaloffoneroseanddropit,watchingitfallawaylikeallmyloyaltytothisman.
IthoughtIlovedhimonce,butIdidn’tknowwhatlovewas.
Idonowthough.
“Oh,butIwould.”Mytoneiscoolandcontrolled.Itbites.“Becauseyoudidn’tjustcomeformethistime,youslimyfuckingweasel.Youcameformydaughter.YoucameforthemanIlove.Youcameformyfamily.Youwenttoodamnfarthistime.”
“I’mgoingto—”
Idon’tlethimgetawordinatall.“Ihaven’tfuckedyousincethedayIfoundoutyouwereapredator.Andnoweveryoneisgoingtoknowit.”
Iturnandwalkawayfromhim,ignoringhiscursesandthreats.Thesmashingsoundoftheglassvasedoesnothingbutmakemesmile.IfeellikeItossedagrenadeintothatdepressinghouseandwalkedaway.
Ifeelfree.
***
Vivi’sbirthdaypartyisperfect.
Everyonehaspitchedintomaketurningoneaspecialoccasionforher.Shelookspreciousinhersundress,coveredinaprintoforangesandleaves.Thedecorationsarehysterical.Customprinted—complimentsofWilla—withphotosofVivi’sfavoritethingintheworld…Peter.AndthesettingatWishingWellRanchisperfect,justliketheweather.Ourend-of-summerheatiswarmbutnotunbearable,andthesmelloffreshlycuthaypermeatestheair.
Rhettsetupthebigwhitetentonthebackfieldnearthemainranchhouse,andeveryonewho’shereisfamily,insomewayoranother.
Loretta.TheEatons.Theo,whokeepstryingtocarryViviaroundwithhim,butshewentfromwalkingtorunningprettydamnfastandgetsathrilloutofmakingherdadchaseher.Hismomgetsakickoutofittoo.Tellshimit’spaybackforthewayhewasasatoddler.
Shekeepsusonourtoes.
Willabakedthecake.SummerandSloanedecorated.Cadeismanningthebarbecue.JasperisplayingagameoffieldhockeywithLuke,whojustyelled,“Oh,fuckoff!”whenhethoughthewasgoingtoscoreonJasper,butdidn’t.Harveymadeabowlofpunchthattasteslikefruitjuice,butIsuspectcontainsfarmorealcoholthannecessaryforaone-year-old’sbirthdaycelebration.
Beauhasyettoshowup.
“Harvey,howmuchboozeisinwhatI’mdrinkingrightnow?”
Hegrinsoveratmefromwherewe’releaningagainstthefence.“Enoughtotaketheedgeoffforyou.”
“Whatedge?I’mrelaxed.Ifyoutaketoomuchedgeoffme,Imightspillyourbeansjusttogeteven.”
HisbrowsliftashetakesasipoutofhisredSolocup.“Whatbeans?”
Ismirkanddrinkagain.“TheyouandCordeliabeans.”
Hechokesonhisdrink,andIslaphisbackwhilehethumpsafistonhischest.
“Oof.Okay,well,noonewouldforgivemeforkillingyou,somaybeI’lljustkeepthatonetomyself.ThoughI’mreallynotsurehownoonehasnoticed.”
Harveyclearshisthroatandglancesaroundatthegroupoffamilyandfriends.Musicplays.Burgersgetflipped.Everyonecarriesoninthemostcomfortablesortofrhythm.“SamewaytheynevernoticedViviisatinyversionofherdad.Theyweren’tlooking.”
Inod,staringatTheoholdinghismini-meastheycheerLukeontogetaballpastJasper.
“I’mnotreadytotellthemyet,”Harveysaysafterafewbeatsofsilence
“Iwasjoking.”
“Itfeelsoff-limits.Herbeingwhosheis.Butsometimes—”
“Sometimesthingsjusthappen,andyoudon’trealizehowrighttheyareuntilyou’reinthethickofit.”
Hegivesmeagruntandanodfromwherewestand,proppedagainstthefence.
Ibreakthetensionwith,“Isthereageriatricversionoftheprocreationprowl?”
Thistime,hedoesn’tchoke.Hetipshisheadbackandhowls.“Girl,didyoureallyjustsaythattome?”
“Hey,ifyou’regonnadishitout,yougottatakeit.”Aswelaugh,Iheartirescrunchingonthegraveldrivewaybehindus.
TheblackSuburbanSUVisoneIrecognizeonlybecauseKipHamiltonhasdriventhesamevehicleformyentirelife.Everycoupleofyearshegetsanewone,ofthesamemakeandmodel.
“That’swhatIfiguredyoumightneedtotaketheedgeofffor.”
“Hmm.”Iarchabrow.“Youknewhewascoming?”
Harveyshrugs.“Summermayhavementionedittomewhilesettingup.That’swhyIusedtwobottlesofbourboninHarvey’sSpecialDrankratherthantheusualone.”
Mynosewrinkles.“DidyoujustsayDrank?”
Harveycackles,clearlylivingtoconfusethehelloutofeveryonearoundhim.“Yeah,that’swhatIcallit.”
I’mshakingmyheadasIwatchmydadstepoutofhisvehicle.AndthenTheoisthere,jogginguptheshorthilltoshakeKip’shand.
Summersidlesupbesideme,holdingVivi.“Youokay,Win?”
Inod,feelingasplashofnervesroilinginmygut.So,Ihavesomemoredrank.Hopefully,itwillchasethemaway.IwatchTheoandmydadopenthebackhatchoftheSUVandpullout…
Igasp.
BecausewhatmydadandTheoarecarryingdowntothepartyissomethingIneverthoughtI’dseeagain.SomethingIsworewaslonggone,sold,orrottinginalandfill.
Butwithinmoments,theysetitrightinfrontofme,renderingmespeechless
Itdoesn’tjustlooklikethedollhousefromwhenIwasalittlegirl.
ItisthedollhousefromwhenIwasalittlegirl.
Tearsspringupoutofnowhere,andmyhandcoversmymouth.Inmanyways,it’sjustadollhouse.Butinothers,it’ssomuchmore.
Harvey’shandlandsonmyshoulder,andSummer’srubsatmyback.
“Ihopeit’sokaythatItoldhim,”shewhispers.
Theosmilesatmelikethecatwhocaughtthecanarywhilemydadishavingahardtimemeetingmytearfuleyes.
“IthoughtViviennemightlikethis.”
Isniff,staringatmyfather,whoisproud,andstubborn,andflawed.Today,helookshumbled.
“Yearsago,IfounditinthebackalleywhenIwastakingthetrashout.AndIputitinstorage.Iwantedtogiveitbacktoyou,butIdidn’tknowhow.”Heglancesupatme,andIstandhereatalossforwords.Mydadhasmademanymistakesbutshoweduptodayanyway.Hehelpedmefindalawyer.Heleftmymom.He’sneverfoughtformebefore,butheisnow.
AndI’velearnedalotaboutforgivenessinrecentyears.
Especiallyhowharditistoforgiveyourself.
“Ijustwantedyoutohaveit.Consideritapeaceoffering.Ihaven’tbeengoodenoughforyou—Theoheregavemearealwake-upcallonthat—butIwanttobe.Ifyoueverthinkyou’dlikethattoo,you’vegotmynumber.”
Withapainedsmile,heturnstoleave.Ifeelkindredwithhimsomehow.Theoldversionofmewashereoncetoo.Iglanceatmysister,theonewhoforgavemesowhollythatIwasabletostartfresh.
AndTheo,themanwhodidn’tholdtheshittythingsI’ddoneovermyheadassomesortofproofofwhatkindofpersonIwas.Hetookmeatfacevalueandallowedmetostartfreshtoo.
“Dad.”Hestopsbutdoesn’tturn.“Whydon’tyoustay?TrysomeofHarvey’sdrank.It’suh,goodfortakingtheedgeoff.”
Quietconfusionfillsthespaceforabeat.
Mydadfacesmenow,asmalltugonthecornerofhislips.“Whydidyoujustsaydrank?”
Iburstoutlaughing.Thestress,thepressure,theconfusion…
ItallfeelsmorebearablewhenI’mwithmyfamily.
***
Laterthatnight,whenthesungetslowinthesky,Theocurlshishandaroundmineandwalksmetotheothersideoftheranchhouse.Ourfeetcrunchonthegraveldrivewayandthehumoffriendlyconversationgrowsquietaswegetfurtherawayfromeveryone.
Weleftacake-coveredViviinKip’sarms.Hergrandfatherissotakenwithherhedidn’tseemtomindthemess.
“Wherearewegoing?”
“Tobealoneforaminute.”
“Arewesneakingawaytofuck?”Iwhisper,asthoughanyonecouldhearus.
Theochuckles,therumbleinhischestwarmandcomforting.Thepressofhisblackdressshirtslideslikesilkagainstmybarearm.
Hisheadturns,hiseyestracingmeupanddownwhilehistonguedartsoutoverhislips.“Ihadn’tplannedonit,butyoulookveryfuckableinthatreddress,DoctorHamilton.”
“Howmuchfarther?Myfeetaretiredfromstandinginthesebootsallday.”Isoundwhiny,butIdon’tcare.Idon’thavetobeatmybestwithTheo.
He’lllovemeatmyworst,andatmywhiniest.TodayI’mtired,overwhelmed,andfeelingalittlewrungout.
Heturnssuddenly,scoopingmeintohisarmsasIsquealandreachforhisneck.“Headingtothatsamespotinthepull-throughwhereyoudressedmedownalmosttwoyearsago.”
Ilaughandlethimcarrymeuntilwe’restandinginfrontoftheranchhouse.
RightwhereIshovedmykeysbetweenmyfingersandlostmyshitonhim.
Rightwhereitallstarted.
TheoplacesmeonmyfeetasIpeeraroundtheproperty.Itwascold,dark,andsnowythatnight.AndIwasstressedout.
Buttonightit’swarmandgolden.Theskyisapalepink.Myfeetarekillingme,butI’mcontent.
AndwhenIlookbackatwhereTheowasstanding—he’snowdownononeknee.
Holdingalittlebluevelvetboxwithastunningteardropsolitaireringglintingofftherosysky.
AndIfreeze.
Theochuckles.“Iknowthismightfeelsoon,buthearmeout.”
Inodwoodenly.Itdoesn’tfeelsoon.Itfeelslikeadream.
“Iwasinthisexactspotwhenyougavemethebestandhottestverballashingofmylife.Youwereallwildeyesandfightingwords.IthoughtI’dneverseenamoreheart-stoppingfierywomaninmylife.Youwere…well…youweremean.ButIappreciatedyourspunk.ThatwasthenightIknewIwantedyou.”
Fuckingtearsfillmyeyesagain.
“ThatwasthenightItoldmyfriendIthoughtIwasinlovewithyou.AndIhadnoideahowrightIwas.”Heshylylowershisgazeforamoment.“Iwasbeinganobnoxiouslittleshitdisturber.IwaseggingyouonbecauseIlikedthewayyouscratchedback.Ilikedyou.”
Atearfulgiggleripplesoutofme.OnlyTheoSilvacouldhavelikedmethatnight.
“Thatnight,allthebestthingsinthisworldcameintoexistence.You.Vivi.Us.”
Atearspillsdownmycheek,andIreachup,noddingasIswipeitaway.He’sright.Thatnightchangedtheworld.
Ourworld.
“ThatnightIrealizedI’dnevergetoveryou.Time,distance,noneofitmattered.Thatnight,Iknewtherewouldbenoonelikeyouforme.Iwassosureofit.Icouldfeelitinmybones.Istilldo.”
Ican’tkeepupwiththetearsanymore,soIjustletthemfall.Acceptingthisisn’tsomediseaseIhave.
It’shappiness.
Idroptomyknees,wantingtolookintothisman’sface.TheonewhonevertreatedmelikeIneededsavingbutsavedmeallthesame.Icuphischeekandhepressesakissintomypalmbeforeforgingahead.
“Thatnightwewerereckless.”Hisvoicecracks.“Butgod,I’dberecklesswithyouoverandoveragainifitmeansendinguphere.”
Thatsentiment.Thisman.It’sliketherewassomethingmissinginsideme.LikeIwasn’twhole,untilhecamealong.
“Yes.”Ireachforthering.
“Ihaven’tevenaskedyet.”Hiscorrespondinglaughisthick.Tearfultoo.
“Youdon’tneedto.Theanswerisyes.”
Hedropstheboxandslidestheringontomyfingerwithshakinghands.
Westareatmyhandforamoment.Justthetwoofus.
“WinterHamilton,willyoumarryme?”
Ismilethroughthetears.“Wouldhatetomakealiaroutofyouafterhowlongyou’vebeentellingpeopleyou’regoingtomarryme.”
Hewinksatme.“Whenyouknow,youknow.”
AndthistimeIdon’trollmyeyes.Ikisshim.
Ikisshimuntilthere’snothingelsebuthislipsonmine,hishandsinmyhair,andhisringonmyfinger.EpilogueTheo
“Where’sVivi?”
WinterandIwalkoutofthedressingroom,sidebyside.It’sthefinalnightoftheWBRFchampionships.
ThecrownjewelI’vechasedmyentirecareer.TheoneI’vealwaysfallenshortof.TheoneI’veclawedmywaybackfrominjurytomakearunatthisyear.
“Inthestandswithyourmomandeveryoneelse.”Sheglancesdownatherclipboard,allbusinesstonight.
“DoctorHamilton?”oneoftheguyscallstoherfromabenchaswewalkpast.Whenweturn,heholdshishandup.Histhumbispointinginthewrongdirection.“YouthinkIshouldgotothehospital?Orcanwepatchthisuphere?”
“Well,Jude,Ithinkyourthumbisbrokenandyou’reprobablygoingtoneedsurgery.”
“Idon’twannamissthelastridesthough.Gottaseeourboyheretakeitall.”Hegrinsatmelikethemaniacheis.
Wintersighs,checkingherwatch.“Youfuckingbullridersarenuts,”shemuttersbeforeglancingatme.“I’llbeoutrightaway.”
Ismirkandshootherawink.“Surething,Doc.”
IcatchthetailendofhereyerollassheturnsbacktoJude,speakinginamatter-of-factwayaboutligamentdamage,splints,andpainkillers.
GoingontheroadhasbeenahellofalotmoreenjoyablesinceWintertookapositionasatourdoctor.Sure,itmeansshe’sconstantlypatchingupabunchofdumbbullriders,butalltheguysadoreherandherno-nonsenseapproach.
AndIlovehavingherandViviwithmeateveryevent.TheentirecrewishereinVegasforthefinals,whichmeansViviisinthestands.Theguyshavealmosttakenherinasoneofourown.Shehangsoutbehindthesceneswithabunchofcowboys,sowe’veallbutguaranteedshe’sgoingtohaveatruckermouthwhenshegrowsup.Nottomentionabunchofprotectiveunclefigures.
Ialreadyfeelbadforwhateverboycomessniffingaroundher.
IchuckletomyselfasIwalkdownthelongcorridor,calmandcollected,consideringwhatI’mwalkinginto.
ThelightshitandtheroarofthecrowdgetslouderthecloserIgettothering.Rhettistherewaiting.Ithinkhe’smorenervousthanme.
ButIhaveagoodfeeling.IhavethesamefeelingIhadthenightImetWinter.
Aknowing.Agutinstinct.
Tonight’smynight.
“Ready?”HeclapsmeonthebackasIapproachthepaneling.
“Yup.”
“Yourealizeonlyonecowboyhassatthisbullforthefulleight?”
Ilaugh,becauseyouhavetobeatleastalittlenutstodothisforaliving.“Abouttobetwo.”
Rhettnods,hisjawpopping.“Soyou’regoingto—”
“Rhett.”Igripmyfriend’sshoulder.Mymentor’sshoulder.“Icouldnothaveaskedforabettercoach.Thankyouforallyou’vedone.But…”Iglanceoutintothestandsandtrytomakesenseofthefeelingoffamiliaritythatconsumesme.“Ijustwanttosoakthisuptonight.”
Henods,slapsmyshoulderandstepsaway,givingmethespaceIneed.
Myroutinepassesinadaze.Igetthroughallmysteps.Idon’tlookaroundforWinter,becauseIknowshe’shere.Iswearit’slikeIcouldsenseherapproach.Withoutevenseeingher,Iknowwheresheis,exactlywhichfencepanelshelikestositonandwatchme.
Viviishere.Mymom.Myfriends.Iswearmydadisheretoo.
Andsuddenly,thisstadiumfeelsanawfullotlikehome.LikeeverysinglepersonIcareaboutisheretocheermeon.LikeafteryearsofdoingmyownthingI’mnotaloneatallanymore.
Therideisamontageofpicturesthatflickerthroughmyvision.Therope.Myhand.Thegate.Abuck.Aturn.Mymindisblank.AllIseeisthatbuckleI’mabouttowin.
AllIknowisthatthethingI’veswornIwasgoingtogetsinceIwasaboyisabouttobemine.
AllIknowisthatwhenIleapoffthatbull’sbackandchuckmyhelmetupintotheair,Winterisinmyarmsbeforeitevenhitstheground.
AllIknowisthatthiswinisonlyimportantforafewmoments.BecausewhenWinterwhispersinmyear,“Hopeyou’rereadytodothisdadthingagain,becausethere’sanotherTheodoppelg?ngerontheway,”nothingismoreimportantthanus
***
NeedalittlebitmoreTheoandWinter?Someextrabanterandswoon?Clickbelowtocollectyourbonusdeletedscene!
RecklessBonusScene
HaveyoubeendyingtoknowmoreaboutBeauEaton?ChestnutSpringsmostrequestedbachelorisupnext.Keepreadingforasneakpeek!
Pre-orderHopelesshere
HaveyoureadRhettandSummer’stension-filledromance?Abullriderandhisagent’sdaughtergoontheroad…andthere’sonlyonebed.Starttheseriesfromthebeginning!
ReadFlawlesstodayBrazillianStroganoffRecipeSharedbyLarissaCambusano,whosefamilymakesthisrecipeoften
Ingredients:
?2boneless,skinlesschickenbreasts(cut
intoverysmallpieces)
?2tbspbutter
?1tbspoliveoil
?3garliccloves(minced)
??onion(diced)
?3tbspketchup
?2tbspsoysauce
?1tbspmustard
?1cupheavycream
?Salttotaste(approx.?tsp)
?4ozcanofslicedmushrooms(optional)
??cuptomatosauce(optional)
Instructions:
1.Sprinklesaltovercubedchickenandset
aside.
2.Inalargeskillet,melt1tbspofbutterover
medium-highheatandaddtheoliveoil.
Waituntilhotandaddchickeninasingle
layer.Don’tdisturbuntilitstartstosear.
Pushitalltoonesidewhenitbeginsto
brown.
3.Add1tbspofbutter,theonion,andthe
garlictotheemptyside.Sauteeuntil
translucent.
4.Addheavycream,ketchup,mustard,soy
sauce,andmushrooms(ifusing.)Mix
everything.
5.Checkthatchickenisdone.Ifit’snot,
lowerheat,coverpan,andletitcookforabit
longer(untilit’snolongerpinkora
thermometerregisters165F)
6.Oncethechickeniscookedbutstillsoft
andmoist(don’tovercookitoritwillbehard
anddry),turnofftheheatandtryit.Correct
saltifnecessary,andifyoulikeitmore
acidic,add?cupoftomatosauce.
7.Enjoyitoverricealongwithpotatosticks.HopelessSneakPeekEarlyexcerptsubjecttochange
ChapterOne:Beau
Ithoughtpissingmybrotheroffandstormingawaywouldmakemefeelsomething.
Iwaswrong.
EvenactinglikearagingdickwhenI’msupposedtohelpafamilyfriendmoveintotheirnewhousefeels…bland.
AsIwalkdownthemaindraginChestnutSprings,myfingerscurlintomypalms,nailsdiggingagainstskin.
Idon’tfeelthateither.
Ionlyfeeltired.
Butnottiredenoughtosleep.
AtrainhornblaresandIfreezeinplace.Foryears,I’vecoveredthewayloudnoisesstartleme,butit’sdifferentthistime.
You’dexpectmetochooseeitherfightorflight,butthesedaysIjustbrace
Pause.
Waitforanyemotiontohit.Fear,anxiety,disappointment.
ButthesedaysIfeelnothing.
IpivotonthecornerofRosewoodandElmtowatchthetrainpuffpast.Chuggingalong.Backandforth.PointAtopointB.Load.Unload.Waitovernight.Startoveragain.
“Iamatrain,”Imurmur,asIstareatthewheelscrushingagainstthetracks.
Awomanpushesababyinastrollerpastmeandshootsmeaconfusedlook.Herexpressionchangestosurprisewhensherecognizesme.Ithinkwewenttohighschooltogether,butthatcouldbesaidaboutanyoneinthistownwhowasbornwithinafewyearsofeachother.
“Oh,Beau!Sorry,didn’trecognizeyouforasecondthere.”
ProbablybecauseIhaven’tcutmyhairinmonths
Idon’trememberhername,soIplasteronasmile.“Nottoworry.I’mblockingthecrosswalk,aren’tI?Here…”Myarmstretchesouttopressthecrossingbuttonforher.
ThewomanIcan’tremembershootsmeagratefulgrin,heftingabaguponhershoulderwhiletryingtokeepholdofthestrolleroverflowingwithanunnecessaryamountofstuff.“Thanks!Nicetoseeyououtandabout.YouhadallofChestnutSpringsworriedforacoupleofweeks.”
Mycheektwitchesunderthestrainofkeepingmymouthupturned.Yes,IwasJTF2,Canada’selitespecialopsforce.Yes,Iknowinglymissedourtransportouttosaveaprisonerofwar.Yes,Iwasmissinginactionforweeksandwasinroughshapewhentheyfoundme.
I’mstillinroughshape.
Peoplelovetotalkaboutit.
Yougaveusquiteascare.
Trytocatchyourrideoutnexttime,eh?
Ibetyou’relovingallthisattention,
Iknowtheyallmeanwell,butthewaytheyexpresstheirinterestbugsme.Likemygettingstuckinenemyterritoryondeploymenthasasinglefuckingthingtodowiththem.LikeIscaredpeopleonpurpose,orjustcasuallydecidednottopickupaphone.
“Gottalovethesmall-townsupport,”iswhatIsay,becauseYouthoughtyouwereworried?Trybeingmejustmakespeopleuncomfortable.
“Well,you’vegotitinspades,”shereplies.Withakindnod,sheturnsandcrossesthestreet.
Ilookaway,notwantingtofollowherbutnotknowingwhereI’mgoingeither.Theoppositedirection,Ithink.
WhichiswhenmyeyeslandonTheRailspur,thebestbarinChestnutSprings.
Itdoesn’tmattertheskyisblue,andthesunisoutonabeautifulsummerafternoon.Itdoesn’tmatterthatRhettandotherfriendsneedmyhelpwithunloadingfurnitureacoupleofblocksaway.
Atthismoment,thetownbarlookslikeadamngoodholetohidein.
Andadrinkdoesn’tsoundtoobadeither.
#
“Gary,ifyoudon’tslowdown,I’mgoingtotakeyourkeysaway.”
Theruddy-facedoldermanscoffsasIpullupastoolafewdownfromhimandturnitsooneelbowrestsonthebarandI’mfacingthedoor.Westerndecorfillsthespace,awagonwheelchandelier,polishedwoodfloors,andmasonjarglassware.Itmaybejustanotherasmall-townbar,buttheextensiveupdatesgiveitanelevatedsortoffeel.
“Don’tknowwhenyougotsolippy,”hegrumbles,droppinghispintglassawayfromhislips.“Youusedtobarelytalktoanyone.Nowyou’rebossingmearoundlikealittletyrantallthetime.”
Shiny,almostblackhairswishesoverBaileyJansen’stannedshoulders.Herbackistousasshebendsdowntopullglassesoutofthesmallwashingmachinebehindthebar.
“Gotcomfortable,Iguess.Andyoucouldusesomebossing,oldman.Sittinghere,harassingmeeveryday.”
“Idonosuchthing.I’mperfectlynicetoyou.Oneoftheonlyoneswhois,Ireckon.”
Shespinsnow,whitetowelinhand,topointatheronlycustomerinthequietbar.“Youare.AndIconsideryouafriend,whichiswhyItellyoueverydayyoudrinktoodamnmuch.”
Hergazesnapstomine,darkeyeswideninginsurprise,likeshedidn’thearmeoverthecountrymusicandhumofthedishwasher.
“IfIstop,you’llbeoutofwork.Andmaybeevenafriend.”
Garyistalkingtoherlikehehasn’tnoticedmypresence,butsherespondstohimwithoutlookingawayfromme.“Icanlivewiththat,Gar.”Shepauses,tonguedartingoutoverpartedlips.
Full,glossylips.
“BeauEaton.Nicetoseeyou.”
Themanturns,nowalertedtomypresence.“Wellshit,thatisBeauEaton,isn’tit?Bigfella,aren’tyou?”GaryslursandBailey’sfreehanddartsforwardtoswipehiskeysoffthebar.
Gary’seyescloseandhegroans.“Everyfuckin’day.”
“Yep.Everyfuckin’day.”Sheshovesthemintoherbackpocketandthenturnsbacktothewashingmachinewhereglasswarehasbackedup.“Beau,whatcanIgetyou?Gotanyonejoiningyou?Probablywantyourfavoritecouch,yeah?”
Iswallowandglanceatthecouchwheremybrothers,friends,andIenjoyedmanyanightout.Itfeelslikeadifferentversionofmyselfsatthere.ThenewBeausitsatthebarwiththeshyneighborgirlwhowearsapairofacid-washLevi’sbetterthananyonehe’severseen.
“Nah,justmetoday.I’llhavewhateverGaryhereishaving.”
“ABuddyzBestforthetownhero!”GaryslapshispalmonthebarandIflinch.Myeyesfreezeonhisweatheredhand,flushagainstthepolishedwoodofthebartop.WhenIliftmygaze,forcingmyselftoactcasual,Bailey’sgotherbrowsdrawntight,darkirisesboringintomyfaceasthoughshehasmeallfiguredout.
TheflatsmileIforceontomylipsdoesn’tseemtoimpressher.Infact,beforesheturnsawaytopourmeafrothypint,herheadshakessubtly,likeshe’sdisappointed.
Mygazetrailsoverherbodyagain,andIrackmybraintorememberthelasttimeIsawher.She’salwaysbeensweet,shylittleBaileyJansen.Sadly,bornintotheleastrespectedfamilyintown.Herdadandbrothershavedabbledinitall—drugs,prison,theft—andhermomtookoffyearsago.
Worstofall,theirlandbordersours.Icanseeitfrommyhouseontheranch,justontheothersideoftheriverwhereI’veputupabarbedwirefencesothoseassholesknowwheretoturnbackaround.
ButBaileyhasalwaysbeendifferent.IthinkI’vealwaysfeltbadforher,alwaysfeltprotectiveofher.Thestares,thewhispers.Iimaginelivinginasmalltownwherealmosteveryresidenthasastoryaboutyourfamilymustbefuckingbrutal.So,I’vealwaysbeennicetoher.Ilikeher—havenoreasonnotto
She’sworkedattheRailspurforyearsnow,Ijust…can’trememberhowmany.Can’tdecideifenoughyearshavepassedformetonoticethewayhertanktopliftstoday,showingapeekofskinonherflatstomach.Orformetothinkaboutthewayherperfectlyroundbreastswouldfitsowellinmyhands.
“Howlongyoubeenworkinghere,Bailey?”Iask,watchinghershouldersgoalittletensewhenIdo.
Sheclearsherthroat.“Justoverfouryears.Startedateighteen.”
Twenty-two
Fuck.I’mthirty-five,whichmeansIwasateenagerwhen—Ibrushthethoughtawayanddropmyeyesasshetossesacoasterdowninfrontofme,followedbyapintofgoldenlager,whitefoamspillingovertheedge.
“Thanks,”IgrumbleasIswipeahandthroughmyhair.
“Mm-hmm,”isallshesays.
Baileyistheonlypersonintownwhohasn’tfallenalloverherselftotellmewhataheroIamsinceIgothome.SheworksquietlyandItrytokeepmyeyesfromstrayingtoher,wonderingwhyshewentfromchattinghappilytoshuttingdownthemomentIsatatherbar.
“MIAfortwoweeks,huh?”Garystartsin,andIseeBaileyrollhereyesasshepolishesapintglasstoaclearshine.
“Yup.”Oh,good.Theonlythinganyonetalkstomeaboutanymore.
“Howwasthat?”
“Gary!”Bailey’shandsfalltohersidesandalookofpureshockpaintsherface.
“What?”
“Youcan’tjustaskthingslikethat.”
“Whynot?”
Ican’thelpit.IchuckleanddecidetorescueBaileyfromfeelinglikesheneedstosaveme.“Realwarm.Gotanicetan.”
Themannarrowshiseyes,movementsalittlesloppy.Iwonderhowlonghe’sbeenheresinceit’sbarelyafterlunchandhe’sclearlywrecked.“Heardyougotburned.NotthetanI’dbehopingfor.”
“Ga-ry.”Basedonthewaysheenunciateshisname,he’strulyhorrifiedBailey.
Mypalmslidesacrossthebar,drawingherattention.“It’sokay.Everyoneknowsabouttheburns.”
Sheblinks,eyessuddenlylookingalittleglassy.
“Really,I’dratherpeopleshootstraightthankissmyassortiptoearoundme.WhydoyouthinkI’mhidingouthereinthemiddleoftheday?”
“BecauseBaileyisthebestbartenderintown!”
Shesnorts,lipstippingupasshegoesbacktopolishingaglass.ItrytorememberifI’veeverreallyseenhersmile.I’mnotsureIhave.She’salwaysbusytryingtoblendintothebackground,andI’monlyeverherewhenit’sbusy.Idon’tevenknowifI’veeverproperlyheardhervoice,untilnow.Thegentle,melodictonetoitisalmostsoothing.
I’msickofpeopletalkingtome,butitstrikesmethatlisteningtoBaileytalkmightnowbesobad.
Thefirstsipofmybeergoesdowncoldandrefreshing.Isigh,feelingaweightcomeoffmyshouldersinthepresenceofthetowndrunkandthetownpariah.
Ifeelakindredspirittothemrightnow,amisfitinmyownhome.
“Third-degreeburnsonmyfeet,”Iannounce,sincebluntnessseemstobethethemeheretoday.“Skingrafts.”
“S’okay.Youcanfindsomegirlwithaweirdfootfetishwhowilllovethatshit.”
“JesusChrist,Gary.Nomorebooze.”Baileypropsherhandsonthebaranddropsherheadwithagroan.
“Solongasyourdickisokay.”Hewaveshishandupanddownmybody.“Facelooksfine,wouldn’tyousay,Bails?You’llbealright,kid.You’llfindsomeonetoloveya.”
Bailey’sgazewandersovermyfeaturescuriously,awarmblushpaintinghercheeksasshesoftlyreplieswith,“Yeah,”andthenblinksaway.
Hereyes,thatonelittleword,it…makesmybloodpumpfaster.Itmakesmefeelsomething.
MythroatbobsasIswallowthedrynessinmymouth,tryingtopushthatmomentaway.
ThenItakeanothersipandswipeahandovermystubbledchin.“LoveisthelastthingIneed.Butthisbeerisreallyhittingthespot.”
AndmaybeifIdrinkenoughofit,I’llbeabletosleepformorethanafewhourstonight.
***
ChapterTwo:Bailey
It’sbeentwoweekssinceBeauEatonwalkedintomybarinthemiddleoftheday.TwoweekssinceItookonelookathimandalmostdroppedtheglassinmyhand.He’shardtomisswithhisbroadshouldersandtall,well-builtframe,longlegsthathavehimaheadabovemostmenwhowalkthroughthatdoor.Lightbrownhair,alittletoolong,flopsoverhisforehead,theperfectframeforsilver-grayeyes.Evenlookingalittleunkemptthewayhedoesrightnow.BeauEatonisfuckinghot.
Andhotisonething,butBeauisnicetoo.Andfunny.
Atruetriplethreat—oratleasthewas
He’snevertreatedmelikeI’mwearingascarletletteronmychest,evenwhenothershave.Ireallyonlyknowhimfromthebar,buthe’sneverheldmyfamily’sreputationagainstme.He’salwaysofferedkindwords,apolitetouchonmyelbow,andagoodtipattheendofthenight.
Buthe’sstillthetownprince,andI’mstillthetowntrash.
I’mthebartenderandhe’sthehero.
He’sanEaton,andI’maJansen.
Andyet,he’shereeverydamndaysincetheafternoonhewalkedinherelookinglikeacagedanimalwhobrokefree.
HereeverydamndaydrinkingwithfuckingGary.
Thefirstdaystartedoutsweetenough.HewasendearingifI’mbeinghonest.Butforthepasttwoweeks,hispresencehasslowlymorphedfromlighttodark,gatheringitselfintoanominousstormcloud.
It’sgettingtowherehe’smakingeveryonearoundhimuncomfortable.Youcanfeeltheelectricityintheair,likelightningreadytostrike.
I’mfeelingfedupwithhimtoo.He’sremindingmeofmydad,ormybrothers,andIhavesparsepatienceforthatkindoftoxicity.
Hecomesinmid-afternoonandnurseshispint,quietlysimmering.IswearIwatchhisfrustrationbubbleuptoaboilrightbeforemyeyes.Hishandstaysclampedaroundtheglassandhetakestightsipsfromitwithwhiteknuckles.
I’malmostpositivehe’sgoingtoshatteritoneofthesedays.Heseemstoobig,toostrong,tooangrytobesqueezingsomethingthatfragilesohard.
“So,what’dyoudowhenyouspentthosetwoweeksstuckinthedesert?”
MyteethclampatGary’swords.Iknowhemeanswell,buthe’snotreadingtheroomrightnow.NotreadingBeau.Musthavemissedthewayheflinchedwhenaboomingthunderstormrolledthroughnotthirtyminutesago.
Yeah,Beaulooksreadytobursttonight,butGaryhasn’tnoticed.
“Triedtostayalive,”Beaubitesout.There’satremorinhisvoice,aqualitythatremindsmeofadogwhentheygrowlatyou.It’sawarningtobackaway.
AndGaryistoodrunktonotice.
“Theysayyoumissedyourflightonpurposetostaybehindandsavethatjournalist.That’ssomerealherocomplexshit.”
Beaujuststaresathispint,gazingintothegoldenliquid.They’vealreadytalkedaboutthis,butalcoholmakesapersonrepetitive.IknowbecauseI’vespentyearsstudyingdrunkpeople.I’mpracticallyanexpert.
“Imaginewhereyourlifewouldbeifyouhadn’t.”
Mylashesfluttershut,becausemyguttellsmetherewasaline,andGaryjuststeppedrightoverit.
Orrightintoit.
Beau’sthicklycordedarmswipesout,knockingboththeirglassesontothebarfloor.Beerspraysacrossthesmatteringofpatronsseatednearby,andifnotforthemusicblaringatthispointinthenight,I’mcertainTheRailspurwouldbedeadsilentastheywatchthealtercationunfold.
Beaustandssofasthisstooltopplesbehindhimwithacrash.Garylooksterrified.“Imaginewhereyourlifewouldbeifyoudidn’tsitheredrinkingandembarrassingyourselfeveryfuckingday,Gary.Everthinkaboutthat?”
Hischestheaves,thesplatterofliquidmakingthecottonofhist-shirtsticktohisclearlydefinedpecs.OnlysomeonewhogrewupinthehouseholdIdidcouldbesmackdabinthemiddleofamomentlikethisandbecheckingaguyout
Childhoodtraumamuch?
Beauisn’tmydadthough,andI’mnotworriedthewayIwouldbeifIwereinthehouseIgrewupin.
“Beau,”myvoicecomesoutclear,notasinglewavertoit.
“Allaloneeverydamnday,ayounggirlasyourbestfriend.Seemsalittlepervert—”
“BeauEaton,shutyourmouthandgetyourassoutside.”
Hisheadswivels,grayeyeslatchingontominelikehejustnoticedmypresence.Likehedidn’texpectlittleBaileyJansentobetheonebarkingathim.
Hestraightens,butIdon’tcarehowtallheis.
Hedoesn’tscareme.
Notevenwhenhe’slikethis.
Ipointtotheemergencyexitthatleadstothepatio,andmyhanddoesn’tshakeatall.I’mnotnervous.I’mpissedoff.
Beauturnsstiffly,stridingaroundtheendofthebar,pasttheserverstationandstraightoutintothefadinglight.IfIdidn’tknowhowmanydrinkshe’shad,Iwouldn’tnoticetheslightstaggerinhissteps,orthewayheleansonthedoorjustalittleheavierthannecessary.
BeforeIcutthroughthesmallwoodenpushgatetofollow,IglancebackatGary.
“Toofar?”heasks,avertinghisgaze.
Mylipsflattenagainsteachother.“Yeah,Gary.Toofar.”
Heswipesahandthroughhisthinninghairanddropshishead,handtappingoverthekeyshelaidonthebartheminutehesatdown.“I’llcatchacab.”
Irespondwithafirmnodbeforeshovingoutthedoorontothedarkenedpatio.Thesummerstormdroveawayallthepeopleseatedhere,theirforgottenglassesnowpartiallyfilledwithrainwater.
Icanstillsmellthestorm.AndBeau.Pinemingleswithsomethingdeeper,moresensual.Tobaccomaybe,likeacigar.
He’sslumpedagainsttheouterbrickfacadeofthetrainstationturnedbar.AsIapproach,heshoveshisfistsintothepocketsofhisjeans,chindroppedalmosttohischest,eyesfixedonthesneakershe’salwayssporting.
Theyfeeloutofplaceforhim,toowhiteandshiny,toopristine.
“Youcan’tpullthatshitinmybar,”Isay.
Hescoffs,stillrefusingtomeetmygaze.“Yourbar,huh?”
“Yes,Beau.Mybar.Myplace.Theonlyplaceinthistownwherepeopledon’ttreatmelikeshit.Ibustmyassworkinghere.Ibustmyasstryingtomakecustomerslikeme.Andbehindthatwoodismybubble.Garyisn’tperverted,he’sfuckinglonely.Andhe’soneofthefewpeoplewhoisconsistentlykindtome.So,ifyouthinkyou’regonnawaltzintomybaractinglikesomesortofuntouchableassholeandscaringallmyregularsawaywithyourantics,you’vegotanotherthingcoming.”
Nowhiseyesareonme,alittleunsteady,butnarrowed.“Untouchableasshole?”
“Yes.”Icrossmyarms,liketheymightgivemesomeprotectionfromhim.Helooksalittlewildtonight,alittledangerous,notlikethehappy-go-luckyguyweallthoughtweknewbeforehislastdeployment.
Silverylightplaysoffhisfeatures,tanskinandluminouseyesalmostglowingashestaresmedown.Theonlythingthatmovesbetweenusishischestrisingandfallingintimewithmine.
ButIdon’tlookaway.I’msoovermentryingtointimidateme.Anditfeelswrongonhim,soIdon’tlethimhaveit.
Afterourstaredownmovesfromheatedmomentintoawkwardterritory,helooksaway,jawflexing.
“DidIembarrassmyself?”Hisvoiceisallgravelandrumblesovermyskin.
“Youdid.ButthegoodnewsisyourlastnameisEaton,soeveryonewillforgiveyouandgobacktokissingyourfeettheminuteyouwalkinthereandflashthemasmile.”
“Bailey,whatthefuck?Didyoureallyjustsaythattome?”
“Yes.”Myheadtilts.“Becauseit’strue.AllIhadtodowastobebornintomyfamilyandeveryonelooksatmelikethey’rewaitingforthatpartofmygeneticstorearitsuglyhead.LikeI’llgofromhardworkingandpolitetoahillbillycriminalmastermindintheblinkofaneyejustbecausemylastnameisJansen.”HisbrowfurrowsdeeperthelongerItalk.“So,yeah.Ithinkyou’regonnabefine,eventhoughyouembarrassedyourself.”
“That’snottrue.”
“Whatpart?”
“Peoplethinkingthataboutyou.”
“Ha!”Thelaughlurchesfrommythroat,sharpandlackinganyhumor.“Thatisadorablynaive,”Isay,shakingmyheadindisbelief.
“Well,Idon’tthinkthataboutyou.”
Iswallownow,eyesflittingaway.It’struethatBeauhasalwaysbeenkindtome—toeveryone,really.Maybethat’swhythisnewversionofhimpissesmeoffsomuch.“Iknow.”Ishoothimagratefulsmile.“You’reoneofthegoodones,Beau.That’swhyyoucan’tkeepdoingthis.”
“Doingwhat?”
“Sittingatmybaranddrinkingyourselfintoasullenstuporeverynight.”
Aquietkeeningnoiseescapeshimashisheadrollsbackandforthagainstthewall,handscomingupoutofhispocketstoscrubathisface.“Ithelpsmesleepatnight.”
“What?”Icanhearmyheartpoundinginmyears.Somehow,that’snottheresponseIexpected.
It’spainfullyhonest.
“Thealcohol.Ithelpsmefallasleep.Igohometotheranchandcrash.Ihaven’tbeensleepingwellthesedays.”
Mystomachdropsathisadmission.
“Youtellingmeyoudrivelikethis?”Myfingerwavesupanddownhim,catchingonthebulgeofkeysinhisfrontpocket.
Hiswideeyespleadwithme,desperateandforlorn.Ifeelmonumentallystupidforassuminghewastoogoodofaguytogetbehindawheelinthisstate.
“Beau.”Istepforward,rightuptohim.Hetenses,butI’mtoopissedofftohavemanyboundariesrightnow.AndI’vealwaysfeltmoreateasearoundhimthanmostpeople.He’salwayshadawayofmakingmefeellikethat,whichiswhyIdon’tthinktwiceaboutshovingmyhandintothefrontpocketofhisjeansandwrappingmyfingersaroundhiskeys.
Hisbodyisentirelystiff.Icanfeelhismusclescoil,buthemakesnomovetostopme.ThejangleofmetalbetweenushasmelookingupintohiseyesforasignI’vetakenthingstoofar.
Ianglemyfaceuptohis,IonlyseethosemoonliteyesandthewayhisAdam’sapplebobsasheswallows.
I’mcaughtinhisthrallforamoment.
“I’llmakeyouachamomiletea,”Isay,breakingthetensesilencebetweenus.“Helpswithsleep.”
Henodsanddropshishead.Thetensionbetweenusevaporatesashefollowsmebackintothebar,gazetrainedonthefloortoavoidthepryingeyesstaringathimafterhisoutburst.
Icantellhe’sashamed.Andheshouldbe,butI’mnotgoingtopileontohispunishment.Instead,Ipreparehimasteamingmugoftea,wipeupthebeerhespilled,andcarryonwithmynightlikeheisn’there.
Irefillthetea.
Hedrinksthetea.
Wedon’ttalk,buthewatchesme.Iseehimspinningthemugbetweenhisbroadpalms.Ifeeltheoutlineofhiskeysinthebackpocketofmyjeans.
Pete,ourcook,walksoutofthebackat10p.m.“Youallgoodouthere,Bails?Kitchen’sclosed.”
Iscanthebar.It’sbusy,butnotunmanageable.We’reonlyopenfortwomorehoursonaMondaynightanyway.“Yup.Allgoodhere,”Ireply,givinghimabriefthumbsup.
Petereturnsthemotionandheadsoutthefrontdoors.
It’swhenIcheckBeau’steaagainthathestopsme.“So,heleavesandyou’reherealonefortherestofthenight?”
IshrugasItakehismugtoaddwater.“Yeah.I’mashiftmanagernow,soifitwasbusierI’dhavekeptaserveron,butIcutherearly.”
Herestshisforearmsonthebar,padsofhislongfingerspressedtogetherlikeheneedssomethingtodowiththem.“Butyou’realone?Youshutdownalone?”
Steamrisesashotwaterpoursfromthedispenser.
“Correct.”IslidethemugacrossthebartopuntilitbumpsintothetipsofhisfingersasItrytorememberhowmanyrefillsI’vedonesincetheteaislookingawfullywatery.
Icrouchdownandrummagethroughtheboxofteaonthebottomshelf.TheRailspurisnotabigteaplace,butIfindanotherbagofchamomileanddropitintothemug.
WhenItiethestringaroundthehandle,Beaudoesn’tmovehispalmsfromaroundthecup,likehe’sdesperatetosoakuptheheat.
“That’snotsafeforyou.Whatifsomethinghappens?”
MyfingertipsbrushagainsthishandasIcompletetheknot.
Ipeekupnow,liftingoneeyebrow.“Likesomeguypitchingafitandknockingbeerallovertheplace?”
Heglaresatme,andItrytokeepfromsmirkingathim.
Withanonchalantshrug,Ianswerthequestion.“Idealwithit.”
TheonlythingBeaugivesmeinresponseisahardstareandagrunt.
Buthedoesn’tleave.Hedrinksteaatmybarallnightlong.Forhours,hesitsthere,keepingwatch.AndwhenIkickeveryoneoutatmidnightandshutthingsdown,hestaysbehind,silentlyguardingme.
“Areyousober?”Iaskashewalksmethroughthedarkenedparkinglottomycar.
“I’vebeendrinkingfuckingchamomileteaforfourhours.I’veneverbeenmoresoberorhydratedinmylife.”
Isuckinadeepbreathandpullhiskeysfrommybackpocket,holdingthemouttohimonaflatpalm.“Don’tpullthatshitonmeagain,Beau.”
Histhroatworksashereachesforwardandswipesthekeysfromme.“You’renothowIrememberyou,Bailey.”
Iletmyselfsmirknow,because,ofcourse,weallchange.Icouldn’tstaythatfrozen,terrifiedlittlegirlforever.
Iwantedtochange.
“You’renothowIrememberyoueither,Beau.”
Hiseyesshiftbackandforthbetweenmine,likehe’ssearchingforsomethinginthem.“Whatnightsdoyouwork?”
Isnort,lookingdowntopullmyownkeysfrommypurse.“Whatnightsdon’tIwork?”
“Okay,whatnightsdoyouworkalone?”
“SundaythroughTuesday,”Ireply,zippingmybag.
Beaunodsandsaysaterse,“Okay,”beforespinningonhisheelandgivingmehisback,lookingeverybitthemilitaryheroheis.Headheldhigh,shouldersperfectlystraight.
Regal,liketheprinceeveryonetreatshimas.
Hemusthavemissedthememothough.Becausethismanseemstothinkhe’ssomesortofknightinshiningarmor.
OnewhostartspullingupastooleverySundaythroughTuesdaytodrinkchamomileteauntilmidnight,soIdon’thavetoclosebymyself.
Pre-orderHopelesstoday!BooksbyElsieSilver
TheChestnutSpringsSeries
Flawless
Heartless
Powerless
Reckless
TheGoldRushRanchSeries
OfftotheRaces
APhotoFinish
TheFrontRunner
AFalseStartAcknowledgments
I’mnotsureI’veeverwrittenacharacterIrelatemoretothanWinter.Motherhoodisawildride,andwhileI’vehadthemostincrediblesupportivehusbandwithmefromthestart,IstillhaddayswhereIwantedtohideinaclosetandcry.Singlemoms:youaretherealheroes.Seriously,standingovationtoyou.
Withthatsaid,thisbookdidn’tcomeaboutwithoutthesupportofsomeseriouslyamazingpeopleinmylife.Majorthank-yousgoingoutto…
Mr.Silver,I’llalwaysthankyoufirstbecauseyougetupandmakemeacoffeeeverydangmorningbeforeIevengetoutofbedat5a.m.sothatIcanstumbleintomyofficeandwrite.Idon’tevenreallyknowifI’dbeabletodoitwithoutthatdailyritual.Youaremyrock,andmostfavoritebarista.
ShoutouttomysonwhosecurrentfavoritejokeiscallingmeElsieShrimp.It’snotthatfunnyifIthinkaboutit,andyetitmakesmegiggleeverytime,soitdeservestobeimmortalized.You’reonlysevenandmakemelaugheveryday,andthere’ssomethingincrediblyspecialaboutthat.
Myparents,whoarealwaysmybiggestsupporters.Thankyoufortheloveandcheerleading,evenwhenIdisappearintoweirdwriterheadspaceanddon’tcommunicatefordays.
CatherineCowles…thesestressbonersareforyou!IpromisedI’dworkthatintoabook,andgoddamnit,Idelivered.You’reanincrediblementor,andevenbetterfriend.Iamsogratefulforyou.Andifanyoneiswondering,IsendCatherineadisturbingnumberofvoicememosonadailybasisandoneoftheminvolvedtellingherabouthowmydoggetsstressboners.
KandiandLena,mySpicySprintSluts,youmakewritingthesebookseasier.Andawholelotlesslonely.Wakinguptoyourtextsisalwaysahighlight.
Myassistant,Krista,whoprettymuchrunsmylife.Noonelooksbetterinfishnetsthanyou.Also,you’remydaddy.
StephanieandKodywhobothmake#teamelsiecompleteandhelpmebalanceallmysocials.You’rebothlifesavers!
ToEchoGrayce,myincrediblytalentedcoverdesigner,whodidn’tgetannoyedatmewhenIchangedandtweakedamillionthingsonthesecovers—thankyou!Theyaretrulystunning.
Paula,myeditorextraordinaire.Myprofessionalback-patter.Myfellowbutter-lover.Don’teverleaveme.BecauseI’dfindyoouuu
Mydevelopmentaleditor,Júlia.Yourinsightsarenextlevel,andpretendingyouhadthewrongnumberwhenyousentmegraphicvoicememosbreakingdownthesexscenesinthisbookbroughtmegreatjoyandwastrulyahighlightinthisproductionprocess.Thankyoufortoleratingme.
Tomyproofreader,betareader,and—gosh,whatdon’tyoudo?Leticia,thisbookissomuchbetterforhavinghadyourhandsonit.Thankyou.
Tomybetagirlieswhoneverfailtocrackmeupastheyread.Trinity,Josette,Amy,youareallsowonderful,thankyouforgiftingmewithyourtimeandopinions.Isoappreciateyouall.
Salutingmyagent,KimberlyBrower,whohasdonesomuchforthesebooksandthisseries.I’mveryluckytohaveyou.Thankyouforallyourhardwork.
RebekahWest,myeditoratPiatkus,Isoenjoyedworkingonthisbookwithyou.Thankyouforbelievinginmesohard.Iamendlesslyflatteredbyallyoursupport.
Finally,tomyARCreadersandstreetteammembers…Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.Youmakeabiggerdifferencethanyou’lleverrealize.Everypostmakesmesmile,everyreviewhasanimpact.Idon’tcarehowmanyfollowersanyofyouhave,you’reallwonderfulanddeservingandIappreciateeachandeveryoneofyoumorethanyouknow.Thankyouforhelpingmebuildthiscareer.AbouttheAuthor
ElsieSilverisaCanadianauthorofsassy,sexy,smalltownromancewholovesagoodbookboyfriendandthestrongheroineswhobringthemtotheirknees.ShelivesjustoutsideofVancouver,BritishColumbiawithherhusband,son,andthreedogsandhasbeenvoraciouslyreadingromancebookssincebeforeshewasprobablysupposedto.
Shelovescookingandtryingnewfoods,traveling,andspendingtimewithherboys—especiallyoutdoors.Elsiehasalsobecomeabigfanofherquietfiveo’clockmornings,whichiswhenmostofherwritinghappens.It’sduringthistimethatshecansipacupofhotcoffeeanddreamupafictionalworldfullofromanticstoriestosharewithherreaders.
www.elsiesilver.com
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