[Culpable 01] Mercedes Ron .epub-Amazon Kindle

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OriginallypublishedasCulpables:Culpamía,?MercedesRon,2017.TranslatedfromSpanishbyAdrianNathanWest.
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OriginallypublishedasCulpables:Culpamíain2017inSpainbyMontenaRandomHouseMondadori,animprintofPenguinRandomHouseGrupoEditorial.
Cataloging-in-PublicationdataisonfilewiththeLibraryofCongress.CONTENTS
FrontCover
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
Prologue
1.Noah
2.Nick
3.Noah
4.Nick
5.Noah
6.Nick
7.Noah
8.Nick
9.Noah
10.Nick
11.Noah
12.Nick
13.Noah
14.Nick
15.Noah
16.Nick
17.Noah
18.Nick
19.Noah
20.Nick
21.Noah
22.Nick
23.Noah
24.Nick
25.Noah
26.Nick
27.Noah
28.Nick
29.Noah
30.Nick
31.Noah
32.Nick
33.Noah
34.Nick
35.Noah
36.Nick
37.Noah
38.Nick
39.Noah
40.Nick
41.Noah
42.Nick
43.Noah
44.Nick
45.Noah
46.Nick
47.Noah
48.Nick
49.Noah
Epilogue:Nick
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
BackCoverTomymother,thankyouforbeingmyfriend,myconfidante,everythingI’veeverneededandmore.ThankyouformakingsureIalwayshadabookinmyhands.PROLOGUE
“Leavemealone!”shesaid,tryingtogetaroundmeandthroughthedoor.Igrabbedherbythearmsandforcedhertolookatme.
“Youwanttotellmewhatthehell’sgoingonwithyou?”Iasked,furious.
Shelookedback,andIcouldseehereyeswerehidingsomethingdark,yetshesmiledatmejoylessly.
“Thisisyourworld,Nicholas,”sherepliedcalmly.“I’mlivingyourlife,hangingoutwithyourfriends,andfeelinglikeIdon’thaveacareintheworld.That’showyouare,andthat’showI’msupposedtobe,too,”shesaidandsteppedback,pullingawayfromme.
Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwashearing.
“You’reoutofcontrol,”Ihissedather.Ididn’tlikewhothegirlIwasinlovewithwasturninginto.ButwhenIthoughtaboutit,whatshewasdoingandhowshewasdoingitwerethesamethingsIhaddonebeforeImether.Iwastheonewhogotherintoallthis.Itwasmyfault.Itwasmyfaultshewasdestroyingherself.
Inaway,we’dswitchedroles.ShehadshownupanddraggedmeoutoftheblackholeI’dfalleninto,butindoingso,she’dwounduptakingmyplace.1Noah
WhileIrolledthewindowofmymother’scarupanddown,Icouldn’tstopthinkingwhatthenexthellishyearhadinstoreforme.Icouldn’tstopaskingmyselfhowwe’dendeduplikethis,leavingourhometocrossthecountryonourwaytoCalifornia.ThreemonthshadpassedsinceI’dgottentheterriblenewsthatwouldchangemylifeforever,thesamenewsthatwouldmakemewanttocryatnight,thatwouldmakemerantandravelikeIwaseleveninsteadofseventeen.
ButwhatcouldIdo?Iwasn’tanadult.Ihadelevenmonths,threeweeks,andtwodaystogobeforeIturnedeighteenandcouldgoawaytocollege,farawayfromamotherwhoonlythoughtaboutherself,farfromthesestrangersI’denduplivingwith,becausefromnowonIwouldhavetosharemylifewithtwopeopleIknewnothingabout—twomen,tomakemattersworse.
“Canyoustopdoingthat?You’regettingonmynerves,”mymothersaidassheputthekeysintheignitionandstartedthecar.
“Lotsofthingsyoudogetonmynerves,andIhavetoputupandshutup,”Ihissedback.TheloudsighIheardinreplywassoroutine,itdidn’tevensurpriseme.
Howcouldshemakemedothis?Didn’tsheevencareaboutmyfeelings?OfcourseIdo,she’dtoldmeaswewereleavingmybelovedhometown.Sixyearshadpassedsincemyparentssplit—andnothingabouttheirdivorcehadbeenconventional,letaloneamicable.Ithadbeenincrediblytraumatic,butintheend,I’dgottenoverit…or,atleast,Iwastryingto.
Itwashardformetoadapttochange;Iwasterrifiedofstrangers.I’mnottimid,butI’mreservedaboutmyprivatelife,andhavingtosharetwenty-fourhoursofeverydaywithtwopeopleIbarelyknewmademesoanxious,Iwantedtogetoutofthecarandthrowup.
“Istillcan’tunderstandwhyyouwon’tletmestay,”Isaid,tryingtoconvinceheronelasttime.“I’mnotalittlegirl.Iknowhowtotakecareofmyself.Plus,I’llbeincollegenextyear,andI’llbelivingonmyowninanothercountrythen.It’sbasicallythesamething,”Iargued,tryingtogethertoseethelightandknowingthateverythingIwassayingwastrue.
“I’mnotgoingtomissoutonyourlastyearinhighschool.Iwanttoenjoymydaughterbeforeshegoesawaytostudy.Itoldyouathousandtimes,Noah—you’remychild,Iwantyoutobepartofthisnewfamily.ForGod’ssake!YoureallythinkI’mgoingtoletyougothatfarawayfrommewithoutasingleadult?”sheanswered,keepinghereyesontheroadandgesturingwithherrighthand.
Mymotherdidn’tunderstandhowhardthiswasforme.Shewasstartinganewlifewithanewhusbandshesupposedlyloved.Butwhataboutme?
“Youdon’tgetit,Mom.Didyouneverstoptothinkthatthisismylastyearofhighschool?Thatallmyfriendsarehere,myboyfriend,myjob,myteam?Mywholelife!”Ishouted,tryingtoholdbacktears.Thesituationwasgettingthebestofme,thatmuchwasclear.Inever,andImeannever,criedinfrontofanyone.Cryingwasforweaklings,peoplewhocan’tcontroltheirfeelings.Iwassomeonewho’dcriedsomuchinthecourseofmylifethatI’ddecidednevertoshedanothertear.
Thosethoughtsremindedmeofwhenallthemadnessbegan.IstillregrettednotgoingwithmymotheronthatdamncruisetoFiji.Becauseitwasthere,onaboatinthemiddleoftheSouthPacific,thatshe’dmettheincredible,enigmaticWilliamLeister.
IfIcouldgobackintime,Iwouldn’thesitateasecondtotellmymotheryeswhensheshowedupinthemiddleofAprilwithtwoticketssowecouldgoonvacationtogether.They’dbeenapresentfromherbestfriend,Alicia.Thepoorthinghadbrokenherrightleg,anarm,andtworibsinacaraccident.Obviously,sheandherhusbandcouldn’tgoofftotheislands,soshegavethetriptomymom.Butcomeonnow—mid-April?Iwasinthemiddleofexams,andthevolleyballteamhadback-to-backgames.Myteamhadjustclimbedfromsecondplacetofirst,andthathadn’thappenedaslongasIcouldremember.Itwasoneofthegreatestjoysofmylife.Now,though,seeingtheconsequencesofstayinghome,I’dhappilygivebackmytrophy,leavetheteam,andfailEnglishLitandSpanishjusttokeepthatweddingfromeverhappening.
Gettingmarriedonaship?Mymotherwasoutofhermind!Andgoinganddoingitwithouttellingmeasingleword!Ifoundoutwhenshegotback,andshesaiditallblithely,likemarryingamillionaireinthemiddleoftheoceanwasthemostnormalthingintheworld.Thewholesituationwassurreal,andnowshewantedtomovetoamansioninCalifornia,intheUnitedStates.Itwasn’tevenmycountry!IhadbeenborninCanada,evenifmymomwasfromTexasandmydadfromColorado.Ididn’twanttoleave.ItwaseverythingIknew.
“Now,youhavetorealizeIwantwhat’sbestforyou,”mymothersaid,bringingmebacktoreality.“YouknowwhatI’vebeenthrough,whatwe’vebeenthrough.AndI’vefinallyfoundagoodmanwholovesandrespectsme.Ihaven’tfeltthishappyinalongtime.Ineedhim,andIknowyou’llcometolovehim.Andhecanofferyouafuturewecouldneverhavedreamedofbefore.Youcangotoanycollegeyoulike,Noah.”
“ButIdon’twanttogotosomefancycollege,Mom,andIdon’twantastrangerpayingforit,”Ireplied,feelingashiverasIthoughthow,attheendofthemonth,I’dbestartingatanewfancyhighschoolfulloflittlerichkids.
“He’snotastranger,he’smyhusband,andyoubettergetusedtotheidea,”sheaddedcuttingly.
“I’mnevergoingtogetusedtotheidea,”Isaid,lookingawayfromherfacetotheroad.
Mymothersighedagain,andIwishedtheconversationwouldjustend—Ididn’twanttogoontalking.
“Igetthatyou’regoingtomissDanandallyourfriends,Noah,butlookonthebrightside—you’regoingtohaveabrother!”sheexclaimed.
Iturnedtoherwithawearylook.
“Pleasedon’ttrytosellthislikesomethingit’snot.”
“You’regoingtolovehim,though.Nickisasweetheart,”shetoldme,smilingasshegazeddownthehighway.“He’smature,responsible,andhe’sprobablydyingtointroduceyoutoallhispals.EverytimeI’vebeenthereandhe’saround,he’sstayedinhisroomstudyingorreadingabook.Youmightevenhavethesametastes.”
“Yeah,right.I’msurehe’scrazyaboutJaneAusten.”Irolledmyeyes.“Howoldisheagain?”Iknew,ofcourse;allmymotherhadtalkedaboutformonthswashimandWill.ItwasironicthatforsomereasonNickhadnevermanagedtofindaholeinhisscheduletointroducehimselftome.MovinginwithanewfamilybeforeI’devenmetallthemembersofitjustkindofsummeduphowcrazythisallwas.
“He’salittleolderthanyou,butyou’remorematurethanmostgirlsyourage.You’llgetalonggreat.”
Nowshewaskissinguptome.Mature.Istillwasn’tsurewhetherthatworddefinedme,andIdoubtedaguywhowasnearlytwenty-twowouldreallyfeellikeshowingmethecityorlettingmemeethisfriends.IfIevenwantedto,whichwasawholedifferentquestion.
“We’rehere,”mymotherannounced.
Ilookedatthetallpalmtreesandthestreetsbetweenthemonumentalmansions.Eachhousetookupatleasthalfablock.SomewereEnglishorVictorianstyle;lotsofothersweremodernwithglasswallsandhugeyards.Istartedtogetscaredaswecontinueduptheroadandthehousesgotbiggerandbigger.
Atlastwereachedasetofimmensegates,tenfeethigh,andwhenmymotherpulledasmalldeviceoutofthegloveboxandpushedthebutton,theystartedtoopen.Sheputthecarbackingear,andwewentdownahillsurroundedbygardensandtallpinesthatsmelledpleasantlyofsummerandsea.
“Thehouseisn’tashighupastheothersinthedevelopment,whichmeanswehavethebestviewsofthebeach,”sheremarkedwithabigsmile.Ilookedoverather,anditwasasifIdidn’tevenknowher.Didshenotrealizewhatwassurroundingus?Couldshenotseethatitwasalljusttoomuch?
Ididn’thavetimetoformulatetheotherquestionsIhadaloudbecausewereachedthehouseandtheonlythingIcouldthinktosaywas“OhmyGod!”
Itwaswhitewithasand-coloredroofwayuphigh.Ithadthreestoriesatleast,butitwashardtotellwithallthosebalconies,windows,andeverythingelse.Infrontofuswasanimpressiveporchwiththelightson—itwasafterseven—andthatgavetheplaceafairy-taleaspect.Thesunwouldgodownsoon,andtheskywasfilledwithcolorsthatmarkedasharpcontrasttotheimmaculateappearanceoftheplace.
Mymotherturnedoffhermotorafterpullingaroundthefountainandparkinginfrontofthestepsthatledtothemainentrance.Myfirstimpressionongettingoutwasthatwe’dcometothemostluxurioushotelinallofCalifornia.Butitwasn’tahotel,itwasahouse—ahome,supposedly,oratleastthat’swhatmymotherwantedmetobelieve.
WilliamLeisterappearedinthedoorwayjustasIshutthedoorbehindme.Behindhimwerethreemeninpenguinsuits.
Mymother’snewhusbandwasn’tdressedashehadbeenonthefewoccasionswhenI’dagreedtobeinthesameroomwithhim.Insteadofasuitoraname-brandvest,hewaswearingwhiteshorts,alightbluepoloshirt,andsandals.Hisdarkhairwastousledinsteadofcombedback.Ihadtoadmit,Igotwhatmymothersawinhim—hewasveryhandsome.Hewastall,agooddealtallerthanmymother,andhadmaintainedhimselfwell.Hisfacewasharmonious,thoughthesignsofagewereevidentonit—thecrow’sfeet,thelinesacrosshisforehead—andafewgrayhairsamongtheblackgavehimanalluring,matureair.
Mymotherranovertohimlikeaschoolgirlandhuggedhim.Itookmytime,walkingaroundtothetrunktogetmythings.
Glovedhandsappearedfromnowhere,andIleaptback.
“Iwilltakeyourthings,Miss,”oneofthemeninthepenguinsuitssaid.
“Icandoitonmyown,thanks,”Iresponded,feelingveryuncomfortable.
ThemanlookedatmeasifIwereoutofmymind.
“LetMartinhelpyou,Noah,”IheardWilliamLeistersaybehindmyback.
Grudgingly,Ireleasedmysuitcase.
“I’msohappytoseeyou,”mymother’shusbandcontinued,smilingaffectionately.Nexttohim,mymothermotionedformetobehave,smile,dosomething.
“Ican’tsaythesame,”Iresponded,stretchingoutahandforhimtoshake.IknewwhatI’djustdonewasterriblemanners,butinthatmoment,Ifeltliketellingthetruth.
Iwantedtomakecompletelyclearwhatmypositionwasconcerningthischangeinourlives.
Williamdidn’tseemoffended.Heheldmyhandlongerthannecessary,andIfeltstrange.
“Iknowthisisaveryabruptchangeinyourlife,Noah,butIwantyoutofeelathome,toenjoywhatIhavetoofferyou,andespeciallyforyoutoacceptmeaspartofyourfamily…eventually.”Headdedthislastpartwhenhenoticedmyincredulity.Fromhisside,mymother’sblueeyesshotarrowsatme.
AllIcoulddowasnodandstepbacksohe’dletgoofmyhand.Ididn’tfeelcomfortablewiththoseshowsofintimacy,especiallyfromsomeoneIhardlyknew.Mymotherhadgottenmarried—greatforher.Thatdidn’tmakethatmananyonetome—notafather,notastepfather,notanythinglikethat.Ialreadyhadadad,andhe’dbeenenoughforonelifetime.
“HowaboutIshowyouaroundthehouse?”heproposedwithabigsmile,asfaraspossiblefrommycoldnessandbadmood.
“Comeon,Noah,”mymothersaid,takingmyarmandgivingmenochoicebuttowalkbesideher.
Allthelightswereoninside,soIdidn’tmissasingledetailofthismansionthatwouldhavebeentoobigforafamilyoftwenty,letalonefour.Theceilingswerehigh,withexposedwoodbeamsandbigwindowsopeningtotheoutside.Ahugestairwayinthemiddleofanimmenseroomsplitintwoontheupperfloor.Mymotherandherhusbandtookmeallthroughthemansion,fromthelivingroomandthekitchenwithitsoversizeisland—whichIknewmymotherwouldbecrazyabout—tothegym,theheatedpool,partyrooms,andabiglibrarythatmadeanimpressiononme.
“Yourmothertoldmeyoulovetoreadandwrite,”Williamsaid,awakeningmefrommystupor.
“Sameastonsofotherpeople,”Irepliedbitterly.Ididn’tlikehimbeingsofriendlywithme.Ididn’tlikehimtalkingtomeatall,totellthetruth.
“Noah,”mymothersaid,andlookedmedeadintheeyes.Iknewshewashavingatoughtime,butshe’ddeal.Iwasgoingtohaveawholebadyear,andtherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutit.
Williamdidn’tseemtonoticeoursilentexchangeandwentonsmilingasifnothingwashappening.
Iwasfrustratedanduncomfortable.Thiswastoomuch—toodifferent,tooextravagant.Ididn’tknowifIcouldevergetusedtolivinginaplacelikethis
Allatonce,Ineededtobealone;Ineededtimetoassimilateeverything.
“I’mtired.CanIseemyroom?”Iaskedinalessstridenttone.
“Ofcourse.OntheleftwingofthesecondflooriswhereyouandNicholashaveyourrooms.Youcanhaveanyoneyouwantover,Nickwon’tmind.Plusyoutwowillbesharingthegameroomfromnowon.”
Thegameroom?Seriously?IsmiledasbestIcouldtokeepfromthinkingabouthowfromnowonIwasgoingtohavetolivewithWilliam’sson.AllIknewabouthimwaswhatmymotherhadtoldme—thathewastwenty-one,wasstudyingattheUniversityofCalifornia,andwasanappallingprep.Imean,Imadeupthatlastpart,butithadtobetrue.
Asweclimbedthestairs,allIcouldthinkaboutwashowfromnowon,I’dhavetwomenIdidn’tknowunderthesameroof.Ithadbeensixyearssinceaman—myfather—wasinmyhouse.I’dgottenusedtojustwomen,justthetwoofus.Mylifehadneverbeenabedofroses,especiallyduringmyfirstelevenyearsoflife.Theproblemswithmyfatherhadscarredmeaswellasmymother.
OnceDadwasgone,MomandIgotbyasbestwecould,managingtoliveliketworegulareverydaypeople,andasIgrewolder,mymotherturnedintooneofmybestfriends.ShegavemethefreedomIwanted,andthatwasbecauseshetrustedmeandItrustedher…oratleastIdiduntilshedecidedtothrowourlivesoverboard.
“Here’syourroom,”mymothersaid,standinginfrontofadarkdoor.
IlookedatherandthenatWilliam.Theyseemedtobeexpectingsomething.
“CanIgoin?”Iaskedsarcasticallywhentheydidn’tstepaside.
“Thisroomismyspecialpresenttoyou,Noah,”mymothersaid,hereyesshiningwithanticipation.
Ilookedatherwarily,andwhenshestoodback,Iopenedthedoorcarefully,afraidofwhatImightfind.
ThefirstthingInoticedwasthedelicatescentofdaisiesandthesea.Thenmyeyeslandedonthewallacrossfromthedoor.Itwasmadeentirelyofglass.Theviewsweresospectacular,Iwasspeechless.ThewholeoceanwasvisiblefromwhereIstood;thehousemusthavebeenontopofacliffbecauseIcouldonlyseewaterfromwhereIstood.Water,andthepicture-perfectsun,whichwasinthemiddleofsetting.Itwasincredible.
“OhmyGod!”Irepeated.Thatwasmynewfavoritephrase.Myeyesnowrovedtherestoftheroom—itwashuge.Ontheleft-handwallwasacanopybedwithabigpileofwhitecushionsthatcoordinatedwiththesoftblueofthewalls.Thefurniturewaswhiteandblue,too,andincludedadeskwithagiganticMac,abeautifulsofa,achangingtablewithamirror,andabigshelfwithallmybooks.ThosecolorsandthatstunningviewwerethemostbeautifulthingsI’deverseen.
Iwasoverwhelmed.Wasallthisforme?
“Youlike?”mymothersaidfrombehindme.
“It’sincredible.Thankyou,”Ianswered,feelinggratefulbutatthesametimeuncomfortable.Ididn’twantthembuyingmethingslikethese.Ididn’tneedthem.
“Ispenttwoweeksworkingwithaprofessionaldecorator.Iwantedyoutohaveeverythingyou’veeverwantedandI’veneverbeenabletogiveyou.”Icouldtellshewasmoved.AsIlookedather,IknewIcouldn’tcomplain.Aroomlikethisiseveryteenager’sdreamandeverymother’stoo.
Iwalkedoverandhuggedher.IthadbeenthreemonthssinceI’ddonethatoreventouchedheratall,andIwassuresheneededit.
“Thanks,Noah,”shesaidinmyear,soonlyIcouldhear.“IswearI’lldoeverythinginmypowertomakebothofushappy.”
“Wewillbe,Mom,”Itoldher,butIknewitwasn’tinmyhands.
Mymotherletmego,wipedoffoneofthetearsthathadslippeddownhercheek,andwalkedbacktohernewhusband.
“We’llleaveyoutosettlein,”Williamsaidkindly.
Inoddedwithoutthankinghim.Nothinginthatroomrepresentedanyeffortwhatsoeverfromhim.Itwasmoney,nothingelse.
Iclosedthedoorandnoticedtherewasn’talock.Thefloorwaswood,coveredwithawhiterugsothickyoucoulduseitasamattress.Thebathroomwasasbigasmyoldbedroomandhadamassagingshower,abathtub,andtwosinks.Iwalkedovertothewindowandlookedoutside.BelowmeIcouldseethebackyard,thehumongouspool,andthegardenswiththeirflowersandpalmtrees.
Ileftthebathroomandnoticedtheemptydoorframeinthebathroomwall.MyGod…
Crossingtheroom,Iwalkedintowhatsupposedlywasthedreamofanywoman,girl,orteenager:thewalk-incloset.Notanemptywalk-incloset,butonefullofclothingwaitingtobeworn.IexhaledabreathI’dbeenholdinginforalongtimeandbegantolookthroughalltheunbelievableoutfits.Everythingwasname-brandwiththetagsstillon,andjustaquickglancewasenoughtogetasenseofhowmuchthey’dspent.Mymother—orwhoeverhadconvincedhertoblowallthatmoney—wascrazy.
Icouldn’tshakethatuneasyfeelingthatnothingwasreal,thatsoonIwouldwakeupandI’dbebackinmyoldroomwithmysinglebedandthesameclothesasalways.Andworstofall,thatwaswhatIwantedwithallmyheartbecausethiswasn’tmylife,itwasn’twhatIwanted.Iwantedtogobackhome.Ifeltqueasy,anxious.Ifelltothefloor,restingmyheadbetweenmykneesandinhalingandexhalingasmanytimesasIneededuntiltheurgetocryfinallypassed
Asifshewerereadingmymind,myfriendBethsentmeatextjustthen.
YoumakeitinOK?Ialreadymissyou.
Ismiledatthescreenandsentheraphotofrommydressingtable.RightawayIgotbackfiveemojiswiththeirmouthsgapingopen.
Ihateyou.Youknowthat,right?
Ilaughedandreplied:
Ifitwasuptome,I’dgiveitalltoyou.HonestlyI’dgiveanythingtobehomewitheveryone,atDan’splacewatchingamovieorjusthangingoutonthatgrosscouchinyourbedroom.
Don’tbesonegative.You’rerichnow!Fuckingenjoyit!
ButIwasn’trich.Williamwas.
Ileftmyphoneonthefloorandopenedmysuitcases,takingoutsomeshortsandaT-shirt.Ididn’twanttochangehowIwas,andtherewasnowayIwasgoingtostartwearingname-brandpolos.
Igotintotheshowertowashoffallthegrimeanddiscomfortfromthatlongtrip.Iwashappynottobeoneofthosegirlswhohadtodomuchforherhairtolookgood.Fortunately,I’dinheritedmymother’swavyhair,andassoonasIdriedit,Iwasgoodtogo.IdressedintheclothesI’dpickedoutanddecidedtowalkaroundthehouseandfindsomethingtoeat.
Itwasweird,doingitbymyself.Ifeltlikeanintruder.Itwouldtakemealongtimetogetusedtolivinghere,totheluxury,theimmensityoftheplace.Inmyoldapartment,youjusthadtospeakalittlelouderthannormaltogetsomeonetohearyou,nomatterwhatroomtheywerein.Here,youcouldforgetthat.
Iwalkedtowardthekitchen,prayingIwouldn’tgetlost.Iwasdyingofhunger.Mybodydesperatelyneededjunkfood.
Unfortunately,whenIturnedthecorner,IrealizedIwasn’talone.
Someonewasdiggingthroughthefridge.AllIcouldseeofhimwashisdarkhair.JustasIwasabouttosaysomething,adeafeningbarkmademeshrieklikealittlegirl.
Iturnedjustastheheadofblackhairemergedfrombehindtherefrigeratordoortoseewhowascausingsucharacket.
Buthewasn’twhathadfrightenedme.Nexttotheislandinthekitchenwasablackdog.Beautiful,butwithalookinitseyesasifitwantedtoeatmeonemorselatatime.ItwasaLabrador,Ithought,butIcouldn’tsay.Myeyeswentfromthedogtotheboystandingbesideit.
IlookedwithcuriositybutalsowithsurpriseatwhocouldonlybeWilliam’sson,NicholasLeister.ThefirstthingthatcameintomyheadwhenIsawhimwasLookatthoseeyes!Theyweresky-blue,brightasthewallsofmyroom,acompletecontrasttohisravenhair,whichwasunkemptanddampwithsweat.Hemusthavejustworkedoutbecausehehadonleggingsandabaggymuscleshirt.MyGod,hewashandsome,Ihadtoadmitthat,butIdidn’tletwhatIwasthinkingdistractmefromwhowasinfrontofme:mynewbrother,thepersonI’dhavetolivewithforayear,ayearthatIsensedwouldbeoutrighttorture.Andhisdogwentongrowlingatmeasifitcouldguessatmythoughts.
“You’reNicholas,right?”Iasked,tryingtocontrolmyfearofthatviciousanimalthatwouldn’tstopgrowling.Iwassurprisedandangryatthewayhelookedoverathispetandsmiled.
“Theoneandonly,”hesaidandthenlookedbackatme.“Youmustbethedaughterofmyfather’snewwife.”Icouldn’tbelievehewouldsayitsocoldly.
Herolledhiseyes.“Soyournamewas…?”Icouldn’thelpfeelingshockedasheaskedthatquestion.
Hedidn’tknowmyname?Ourparentsweremarried,mymotherandIhadmoved,andhedidn’tevenknowwhattocallme?2Nick
“Noah,”sherepliedcontemptuously.“Myname’sNoah.”
Itwasfunnyhowshescowledatme.MynewstepsisterseemedoffendedIdidn’tgiveashitwhatherandhermother’snameswere,butIhadtoadmitthatatleastIrememberedhermother’s.Howcouldn’tI?Thelastthreeweeks,she’dspentmoretimeinmyhousethanIhad.RaffaellaMorganwasnowapartofmylife,andtomakemattersworse,she’dbroughtcompany.
“Isn’tthatadude’sname?”Iasked,knowingitwouldbotherher.“Nooffense,obviously,”IaddedwhenIsawherhoney-coloredeyesopenwithsurprise
“It’sagirl’sname,too,”sheansweredasecondlater.IwatchedherlookatmeandthenatThor,mydog,andIcouldn’thelplaughing.“Probablyyourlimitedvocabularydoesn’tincludethewordunisex.”Thorkeptgrowlingandbaringhisteeth.Itwasn’thisfault;we’dtrainedhimnottotruststrangers.Withonewordfromme,he’dturnbackintothesweetdoghealwayswas…butitwastoofunseeingthelookoffearonmynewstepsister’sface.
“Don’tworryaboutmyvocabulary,it’sprettyextensive,”Ireplied,closingthefridgeandturningtofaceher,forrealthistime.“There’sonewordIknowthatmydogloves.StartswithanA,thentwoTs,thenA-C-K.”Shelookedscared,andIcouldn’thelpbutlaugh.
Shewasthinandtall—probablyclosetofiveeight,butIwasn’tsure—wellputtogether,Ihadtoadmit.Butherfacewassogirlishitwasimpossibletohaveanylustfulthoughtsabouther.UnlessI’dheardwrong,shehadn’tevenfinishedhighschool,butyoucouldguessthatafteroneglanceathershorts,herT-shirt,andherblackConverse.AllsheneededwastopullherhairbackinaponytailtolooklikethetypicalteenagerwaitingimpatientlyforsomeonetoopenthedoorsofsomebigboxstoresoshecouldbuythelatestTikToktrendallthefifteen-year-oldswerefreakingoutabout.Still,Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffherhair;itscolorwasstrange,somewherebetweendirtyblondandred.
“Veryfunny,”shesaidsarcasticallybutobviouslyterrified.“Gethimoutofhere.Helooksreadytokillme.”Shetookastepback.Asshedid,Thortookastepforward.
Goodboy,Ithought.Maybeshecoulduseascare,aspecialreceptiontoletherknowwhomthishousereallybelongedtoandhowunwelcomeshewas.
“Thor,forward,”Iorderedhimsternly.Noahlookedbackandforthfromhimtomeandsteppedfartherbackuntilshehitthewall.
Thorwalkedslowlytowardher,growlingandshowinghisteeth.Hewasscary,butIknewhewouldn’tdoanything.NotunlessIorderedhimto.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked.“Thisisn’tfunny.”
Butitwas.
“Mydogusuallygetsalonggreatwitheveryone.It’sweirdthathe’sonthevergeofattackingyou,”Iremarked,amusedasshetriedtocontrolherfear.
“Areyougoingtodoanything?”shewhined.
Doanything?HowaboutItellyoutogobackwhereyoucamefrom?
“You’vebeenhere,what?Fiveminutes?Andyou’realreadybossingpeoplearound?”Isaid,walkingovertothetapandpouringaglassofwater.“MaybeIshouldleaveyouhereforawhiletogettoknowtheplaceonyourown.”
“Wereyoudroppedonyourheadoftenasachild?Getthatdogawayfromme!”
Iturned,alittlesurprisedatheraudacity.Hadshejustinsultedme?
Ithinkevenmydoggotitbecausehewalkedclosertoher.Shehardlyhadspacetomove.Then,beforeIcouldstopher,Noahturnedinfrightandgrabbedthefirstthinginreachonthecounter,afryingpan.BeforeshecouldhitThor,Igrabbedhiscollarwithonehandandstoppedherwiththeother.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?”Ishouted,grabbingthepanandputtingitbackonthecounter.Mydogwasfurious,andNoahshrankintomychest,stiflingascream.
Iwassurprisedshe’dturntomeforprotectionwhenIwastheonethreateningher.
“Thor,sit!”Herelaxed,satdown,andstartedwagginghistailcheerfully.
IlookeddownatNoah,whowasclutchingmyT-shirtwithbothhands.Ismiled,butthensheseemedtorealizewhatwashappening.Sheraisedherhandsandshovedmeaway.
“Areyouanidiotorwhat?”
“First,thisbetterbethelasttimeyoutrytoattackmydog.Second…”AsIlookedather,Inoticedthefrecklesonhernoseandcheeks.“Don’teverinsultmeagainorwe’regoingtohaveproblems.”
Herexpressionwasstrange.Hereyesweregluedtomyface,butthentheymoveddowntomychest,incapableofholdingmystare.
Isteppedback.Mybreathinghadspedup,butIhadnoideawhy.I’dhadenoughofherforoneday,andI’donlyknownherforfiveminutes.
“Itwouldbebestifwegotalong,littlesister,”Isaid,turningmyback,grabbingmysandwichoffthecounter,andheadingforthedoor.
“Don’tcallmethat.I’mnotyoursister,notevenclose,”shereplied.Shesaiditwithsomuchhate,somuchsincerity,thatIstoppedtolookatheragain.Hereyeswereshiningwithdetermination,andIknewshewasnohappierthanIwasaboutourparentsbeingtogether.
“Well,weagreeaboutonethingthen…littlesister,”Irepeated,rollingmyeyesandenjoyingwatchingherlittlehandsclenchintofists.
Justthen,Iheardlaughterbehindme.Iturnedandfoundmyselfface-to-facewithmyfather…andhiswife.
“Iseeyou’vemet,”myfathersaid,enteringthekitchenandsmilingfromeartoear.IthadbeenalongtimesinceI’dseenhimsmileinthatway,andhonestly,Iwashappytoseeitandhappytoknowhewasrebuildinghislife.Evenifhe’dleftsomethingbehindontheway:me.
Raffaellasmiledatmegentlyfromthedoor,andIforcedmyselftomaketheclosestexpressiontoasmilethatIcould.Thatwasallthatwomanwouldget.Itwasn’therfault,Ijustcouldn’tmanageanythingmore.
MyfatherandIdidn’thaveanaffectionaterelationship,ormuchofarelationshipatall,butIhadbeencompletelyinagreementwithhisbuildingthatwallthatseparatedusfromtheoutsideworld.Whathadhappenedwithmymotherhadleftitsmarkonbothofus,especiallyme.Iwasherson,andIhadtowatchherleavewithoutlookingback.
Sincethen,Ididn’ttrustwomen,Ididn’tcareaboutthem,andallthatmatteredtomewassexormaybehavingagoodtimewiththematparties.WhatelseshouldIwant?
“Noah,haveyoumetThor?”Raffaellaaskedherdaughter,whowasstillstandingbythecounternottryingtoconcealherbadmood.
ThenNoahdidsomethingIdidn’texpect.Shewalkedforward,croucheddown,andstartedcallingThor.
“Thor,comehere,boy.”Sheseemedgentle,friendly.Andbrave—youhadtogiveherthat.Justasecondagoshewastremblingbeforethesameanimalinfear.
I’dexpectedhertogoratmeouttohermom.
Thorwalkedoverwagginghistail.Heturnedtomeandthentoherandmusthaverealizedsomethingwasn’tright.Myattitudewassoseriousevenhecouldn’toverlookit.
Tailbetweenhislegs,hecamebackandsatdownbesideme.Mystepsisterwasflustered.
“Goodboy,”Icongratulatedhimwithabigsmile.
Noahstoodup.Therewashatredinthoselong-lashedeyes.Thensheturnedbacktohermother.
“I’mgoingtobed,”sheannounced.
IdecidedtodotheoppositebecausetherewasapartyonthebeachthatnightandIwassupposedtobethere.
“I’mgoingouttonight.Don’twaitupforme,”Isaid,feelingstrangesayingthistoseveralpeopleinsteadofjustDad.
JustasImadeitpastthedoorframe,Dadstoppedme—meandmylittlesister.
“Thefourofusaregoingouttodinnertonight,”hesaid,focusinghisattentiononme.
Bullshit!
“Dad,I’msorry,butIneedtogo…”
“I’msotiredfromthetrip…”
“Thisisgoingtobeourfirstdinnerasafamily,andIwantyoubothtobethere,”myfathersaid,interruptingbothofus.Standingnexttome,Noahblewoutalltheairinherlungs.
“Can’twemakeittomorrow?”shesaid.
“Sorry,honey,butwehaveabusinesspartytomorrow,”myfatherresponded.
Itwasstrangehowheaddressedher.Imean,hedidn’tevenknowher!Iwasalreadyincollege;IcoulddowhatIwanted.Iwasanadult,inotherwords.ButNoah!Havingtodealwithateenagerwouldhavetobeanynewlymarriedcouple’snightmare.
“Noah,we’regoingouttodinnertogether,period,nomorediscussion,”Raffaellasaid,bringingtheconversationtoaclose.
Idecideditwouldbebesttogiveinthistime.I’dhavedinnerwiththem,andthenI’dgotomyfriendAnna’s…myspecialfriendAnna’s.Thenthetwoofuswouldgototheparty.
“Givemehalfanhourtoshower,”Isaid,pointingtomysweatyclothes.
Myfathernoddedwithsatisfaction,hiswifesmiled,andIrealizedIwasbeingtheresponsiblechildthatnight…orsoIwasmakingthembelieve.3Noah
Whatadamnidiot!
AsIclimbedthestairs,stompingasloudasIcould,Icouldn’tstopthinkingaboutthetenminutesI’dspentwithmynewidiotstepbrother.Howcouldhebesuchadickhead,astuck-uppsycho?God,Icouldn’tstandhim,andtherewasnowayIcoulddealwithlivingwithhim.Itwasbadenoughthathewasmymother’snewhusband’sson,butafterwhathadhappened,myannoyancehadreachedstratosphericlevels.
Thiswassupposedtobetheperfectadorablelittleboymymotherhadtoldmeabout?
Ihatedhowhetalkedtome,howhelookedatme.Asifhewerebetterthanmejustbecausehehadmoney.Hehadlookedmeupanddownandthenlaughed…laughedrightinmyface.
IslammedthedoorbehindmeasIwalkedintomyroom,buttheplacewassobignoonewouldhearme.Itwasnightout,andbarelyanylightenteredmywindow.Inthedarkness,theseawasblack,andIcouldn’tseethedividinglinebetweenitandthesky.
Nervous,Ihurriedlyturnedonthelight.
Iwentstraighttothebedandjumpedonit,staringupatthebeamsintheceiling.Totopitoff,Iwassupposedtohavedinnerwiththem.DidmymothernotrealizethatthelastthingIfeltlikedoingrightnowwasbeingsurroundedbypeople?Ineededtobealone,torest,totakestockofallthechangeshappeninginmylife,toacceptthemandlearntolivewiththem,evenifdeepdownIknewthatwasimpossible.
Igrabbedmyphone,notsurewhethertocallmyboyfriend,Dan.Ididn’twanthimtoworrywhenheheardthebitternessinmyvoice.I’donlybeeninCaliforniaanhour,andalreadyhisabsencestung.
TenminutesafterIwentup,mymothercamein.Atleastshebotheredknocking,butthenshewalkedrightinwhenIdidn’tanswer.
“Noah,infifteenminutesweneedtobedownstairs,”shesaidpatiently.
“Yousaythatlikeittakesanhourandahalfjusttowalkdownthesteps,”Iresponded,sittingupinbed.Mymotherhadletherblondhairdownandcombedit.Shelookedelegant.Wehadn’tevenbeenheretwohours,andalreadyshelookedlikeadifferentperson.
“I’msayingthisbecauseyouneedtochangeclothesfirst.”Sheignoredmytone.
Notunderstanding,Ilookeddownatmyoutfit.
“What’swrongwithhowI’mdressed?”Iaskeddefensively.
“You’rewearingsneakers,Noah.Wehavetodressuptonight.Youdon’tthinkyou’regoingtogooutinshortsandaT-shirt,doyou?”sheasked,exasperated.
Istoodupandfacedher.Mypatiencewiththisdaywasatanend.
“Let’sseeifyoucangetthisthroughyourhead,Mom.Idon’twanttogotodinnerwithyouandyourhusband,Ihavenointerestingettingtoknowhisspoileddemonofason,andI’mcertainlynotgettingdressedupforit.”Itriedtocontrolmyoverwhelmingurgetotakehercaranddriveoffintotown.
“Stopactinglikeafive-year-old,putonyourclothes,andcometodinnerwithmeandyournewfamily.”Hertonewasharsh.Butwhenshesawmyexpression,herfacerelaxed,andshesaid,“I’mnotaskingyoutodothiseveryday.Justtonight.Please.Forme.”
Itookafewdeepbreaths,swalloweddownallthethingsIwantedtosay,andnodded.
“Justtonight.”
Whenmymotherleft,Iwalkedintothecloset.Disgustedwitheverythingandeveryone,IlookedforanoutfitthatwouldbecomfortableandthatIwouldn’thate.IwantedtoshowthemIcouldbeanadult,too.Nicholas’samused,unbelievingexpressionashegawkedatmewithhisbrighteyeswasstillstuckinmymind.HehadlookedatmelikeIwasjustalittlegirlhewashavingfunscaringwithhishorribledog.
Mysuitcasewasopenonthefloor.Ikneeleddownandstartedgoingthroughmyclothes.Mymotherwasprobablyexpectingmetogodowninsomethingshe’dboughtme,butthatwasthelastthingIwasconsidering.IfIgavein,I’dbesettingabadprecedent.Acceptingthatclothingwaslikeacceptingthisnewlife;itwouldmeanlosingmydignity.
Inarage,IpickedmyblackRamonesdress.Whocouldsayitwasn’telegant?Ilookedaroundforsomeshoes.Iwasn’tashoegirl,butifIwentdownstairsinmyChucks,mymotherwoulddefinitelylosehercoolandtellmetochange.FinallyIchosesomedecent-lookingsandalswithalittlebitofaheel—nothingIcouldn’tmanage.
Iwalkedovertothegiantmirrorononeofthewallsandlookedatmyselfslowly.MyfriendBethwouldcertainlyapprove.AndIthinkDanhadalwaysfoundthatdresssexy.
Iletdownmyhairandsmootheditout,andIputalittleglossonmylips.Satisfiedwiththeresult,Igrabbedasmallpurseandheadedforthedoor.
JustasIopenedit,IfoundNicholas,whostoppedtolookmeoverwhilethatwickedThorstoodbesidehim.Icouldn’thelptakingastepback.
Forsomeinexplicablereason,mynewbrothersmiled,andhiseyesshonewithsomeobscure,indecipherableemotion.
“Didn’tanyoneteachyouhowtodressoutthereintheboonies?”hesaid.
Igavehimmymostangelicsmile.
“Yeah…butwhoevertriedwasadickhead,kindoflikeyou,soIguessIneverpaidattention.”
Hedidn’texpectthatanswer,andIcertainlydidn’texpecttoseeasmilespreadacrossthosesensuouslips.Isuddenlynoticedagainhowtallandvirilehewas.Hewaswearingslacksandabutton-downwiththetoptwobuttonsundone.Notie.Ididn’tletthecoolblueofthoseeyesintimidateme.Instead,Ilookedoverathisdog.Insteadofstalkingmelikeakiller,hewasnowwagginghistailwithinterest.
“Yourdogseemscompletelydifferent.Areyougoingtotellhimtoattackmenow,orwillyouwaittillafterdinner?”Igrinned,feigningfriendliness.
“Idon’tknow,Freckles.Dependsonhowyoubehave.”Withthat,heturnedhisbacktomeandwalkeddownstairs.
Istoodstillforafewseconds,tryingtocontrolmyemotions.Freckles!He’dcalledmeFreckles!Hewaslookingfortrouble…realtrouble.
Iwalkedbehindhim,tryingtoconvincemyselfthatitwasn’tworthittogetangryoverhisremarksorthewayhelookedatmeorjustthefactofhisbeingthere.Hewasoneofmanypeoplewhoweredestinedtogetonmynervesinthiscity,soImightaswellgetusedtoit.
OnceIwasdownstairs,Ifoundmyselfsurprisedagainatthemagnificenceofthehouse.Itfeltsomehowoldbutatthesametimesophisticatedandmodern.Waitingformymother,ignoringthepersonnexttome,Ilookedatthecrystallamphangingbetweenthebeamsintheceiling.Itmusthavebeenmadeofthousandsofpiecesofglassthatseemedtofalllikefrozenraindrops,asthoughwantingtoreachthegroundbutforcedtolingerintheairforwhoknewhowlong.
Oureyesmetbriefly,butinsteadoflookingawaymyself,Idecidedtotrytomakehimdoitinstead.Ididn’twanthimtothinkhewasgettingtome,thathecouldjusttreatmeasheliked.
Buthiseyesdidn’tbudge.Hewasobservingmewithunbelievabledetermination.RightwhenIthoughtIcouldn’ttakeitanymore,mymotherappearedwithWilliam.
“Well,thegang’sallhere,”hesaid,lookingatusandsmirking.Forme,theoccasionwasutterlyjoyless.“I’vereservedatableattheclub.Ihopeyouallarehungry.”Heheadedforthedoorwithmymotherhangingoffhisarm.
Mom’seyesturnedtosaucerswhenshesawmydress.
“Whatareyouwearing?”shewhisperedinmyear.
Ipretendednottolistenandwalkedoutside.Theairwaswarmandrefreshing,andIcouldhearthewavesinthedistancebreakingagainsttheshore.
“Youwanttoridewithus,Nick?”Williamaskedhisson.
Buthehadalreadyturnedhisbackandwaswalkingtowardanimmaculateblack4×4thatstoodhighofftheground.Itmusthavejustcomefromthedealership.Irolledmyeyes.Typical!
“I’lltakemine,”hesaid,turningaroundasheopenedthedoor.“I’mhangingoutwithMilesafterdinner.We’regoingtofinishthereportontheReffordcase.”
“Excellent,”hisfathersaid.Ihadnoideawhattheyweretalkingabout.“Maybeyouwanttoridewithhimtotheclub,Noah?Thatwayyoucangettoknoweachotheralittlebetter?”Williamseemedtothinkhe’djusthadthemostbrilliantideaever.
IlookedoveratNick,whohadraisedaneyebrowwaitingformyresponse.Heseemedtothinkthewholesituationwasfunny.
“Idon’twanttoridewithsomeoneifIdon’tknowhowtheydrive,”Isaidtomynewstepfather,hopingthatwouldhithissonwhereithurt.Mostguysdon’tappreciatetheimplicationthattheycan’tdrive.TurningawayfromtheSUV,IgotintoWill’sblackMercedes,enjoyingthesolitudeofthebackseataswecrisscrossedstreetsonourwaytosomerichguys’club.
AllIwantedwasforthenighttoendassoonaspossible,tofinishthishappyfamilyactthatmymotherandherhusbandweretryingtocreate,andtogobacktomyroomtotrytorest.
Fifteenminuteslater,weenteredakindofsuburbwithbig,well-groomedyards.Itwasnight,butIcouldreadthebrightlylitsignbytheroadwelcomingustotheMaryReadYachtClub.Beforelettingusthrough,aguardinafancycabinnexttoagatepeekedouttoseewhowasinthecar.Itwasevidentherecognizedthedriver.
“Mr.Leister,goodevening.Miss,”headded,turningtomymother.
Mynewstepfathersaidhellototheguard,andweenteredtheclub.
“Noah,yourmember’scardwillbeherenextweek,butifyouneedinbeforethen,justsaymynameorElla’s,”hesaid,lookingoveratmymother.
ItfeltlikeajabintheheartwhenIheardhimcallherthat.Thathadbeenmyfather’snameforher,andIwassuremymotherdidn’tcareforitatall—toomanybadmemories.Buthowwasshegoingtotellherwonderfulnewhusbandthat?
Mymotherwasaproatforgettingthingsthatweresadordifficult.WhereasIkepttheminside,deepinside,untiltheyallfinallyexplodedandcameout.
Westoppedthecarrightatthedoortotheluxuriousestablishment.Avaletletmymotherandmeout,tookatipfromWilliam,anddrovethecarofftowhoknowswhere.
Therestaurantwasamazing.Everythingseemedmadeofglass.IcouldseeacoupleoftablesfromwhereIstood,alongwithhugeaquariumsfullofcrabs,fish,andsquidwaitingtobekilledandserved.Ifeltsomeonebehindme,abreathonmyearthatgavemetheshivers.WhenIturned,IsawNicholas.Evenwithmyheelson,hewashalfaheadtallerthanme.Hebarelyevenlookedatme.
“I’vegotareservationunderthenameWilliamLeister,”Williamsaidtothehostess.Forsomestrangereason,herexpressionchanged,andshehurriedtoledusthroughthediningroom,whichwasatoncepacked,calm,andcozy.
Ourtablewasinoneofthebestspots,withthesamewarmcandlelightthatprevailedallovertherestaurant.Theglasswallgaveanimpressiveviewoftheocean.IwonderedifthosekindsoftransparentwallswerecommoninCalifornia.
Iwasfreakingout,totellthetruth.
Wesatdown,andrightawaymymotherandWilliamstartedchattingandsmilinglikeinfatuatedfools.Inthemeantime,Inoticedtheastonished,incredulouslookthewaitressgaveNick.
Hedidn’tseemtorealizeit.Hejusttoyedwiththetinysaltshaker.Hishandswereverywellcaredfor,tan,andbig.IlookedfromthemtohisarmsuntilIreachedhisface,andInoticedthathiseyeswerelookingatmewithinterest.Iheldmybreath.
“Whatareyougoingtoorder?”mymotherasked,breakingthespell.
Iletthempickforme,sinceIdidn’tknowwhathalfthedishesonthemenuwereanyway.WhilewewaitedandIstirredmyicedtea,distracted,Williamtriedtodraghissonandmeintoaconversation.
“IwastellingNoahearlieraboutallthesportsyoucanpracticehereintheclub,Nick.Nicholasplaysbasketball,andhe’soneheckofasurfer,too.”
Asurfer.Howcliché.I’dthoughtNicholaswassittingtherebored,butheclearlynoticedmydisdain.Hebentoverthetable,restedbothhiselbowsonit,andputmeonthespot.“Somethingamusing,Noah?”Hedidallhecouldtosoundfriendly,butIknewdeepdownI’dgottentohim.“Doyouthinksurfingissillyorsomething?”
Beforemymothercouldanswer—Iknewshewasaboutto—Icopiedhim,bendingover.
“Yousaidit,notme.”AndIgavehimaninnocentsmile.
Ilikedteamsports,sportswithstrategythatrequiredagoodleaderandconsistencyandhardwork.I’dfoundallthatinvolleyball,andIwassurethatsurfingcouldn’tcompare.
Beforehecouldrespond—andIcouldtellhewantedto—thewaitressarrived,andhelookedatherasifheknewher.
MymotherandWilliamgotintoananimatedconversationwhenacouplestoppedtosayhitothem.
Thewaitresswasyoungwithdarkbrownhairandwaswearingablackapron.Shelaidtheplatesonthetableand,whiledoingso,bumpedNick’selbowunintentionally.
“Sorry,Nick,”shesaid,thenturnedtomeasifshe’dmadeamistake.FromNick’sexpression,Icouldseethatsomethingweirdwasgoingonwiththem.
Sinceourparentsweredistracted,Ibentoverandasked,toclearupmydoubts,“Youknowher?”
“Who?”heasked,playingdumb.
“Thewaitress,”Ireplied,observinghisreactions.Hedidn’tgiveawayanything.Hewasseriousbutrelaxed.IrealizedthenthatNicholasLeisterwasverygoodathidinghisthoughts.
“Yeah,she’stakencareofmebefore,”heanswered,seemingtodaremetocontradicthim.Well,well,well,Nick’salittleliar.Whydidn’tthatsurpriseme?
“Yeah,I’llbetshe’stakencareofyoulotsoftimes.”
“Whatareyougettingat,littlesister?”Thistime,thetermmademesmile
“Howyourichpeopleareallthesame—youthinkthathavingmoneymakesyouthekingsoftheworld.Thatgirlhasn’ttakenhereyesoffyousinceyouwalkedinthedoor.It’sobvioussheknowsyou.”Somewhatangrily,thoughIdidn’tknowwhy,Icontinued,“Andyouwon’tevenlookather.It’sdisgusting.”
“You’vegotsomeveryinterestingtheoriesaboutrichpeople,asyoucallthem.Icantellyoudon’tlikethem.Ofcourse,that’snotstoppingyouandyourmotherfromlivingunderourroofandenjoyingallthecomfortsmoneycanbuy.Ifyouhateussomuch,whatareyoudoingsittingatthistable?”
Itriedtocontrolmytemper.Heknewhowtogetundermyskin.
“Seemstomeyouandyourmotherareevenworseoffthanthatwaitress,”heconfessed,beingsureIalonecouldhearhim.“Youpretendtobesomethingyou’renot,whenbothofyouhavesoldyourselvesformoney.”
Thatwastoomuch.Iwasblindwithrage.
Igrabbedtheglassinfrontofmeandtriedtothrowitscontentsinhisface.
Toobaditwasempty.4Nick
ThelookonherfacewhenshesawherglasswasemptydissolvedanytraceofangerorirritationImighthavebeenholdinginsincewesatdown.
Thatgirlwasanythingbutpredictable.Iwassurprisedbyhoweasilyshelosthercoolandhowjustafewwordscouldthrowheroff.
Hercheekswiththeirlittlefrecklesturnedpinkwhensherealizedhowridiculousshelooked.Shestaredatme,thenattheglass,andthentobothsidesofher,asifhopingtoreassureherselfthatnoonehadseenwhatanidiotshewas.
Leavingasidehowfunnythesituationwas—anditwasfunnyashell—Icouldn’tletheractlikethatwithme.Whatiftheglasshadbeenfull?Icouldn’tletsomesnot-nosedseventeen-year-oldeventhinkabouttryingsomestuntlikethatwithme.Shewasgoingtofindoutwhatkindofbigbrothershe’dluckedinto.I’dletherknowhowmuchtroubleshe’dbeinifshetriedtoplaywithmeagain.
Igaveherawinningsmile,andshelookedbackatmewarily.Ienjoyedseeingthefearhiddeninhereyesbetweenthoselonglashes.
“Don’tdothatagain,”Isaidcalmly.
Afterafewseconds’pause,sheturnedtohermother,andtheeveningwentonwithoutanymoreincidents.Noahdidn’tspeaktomeagain,shedidn’tpaymeanyattentionatall,andthatbotheredmeandpleasedmeatthesametime.Whilesheansweredmyfather’squestionsandtalkedunenthusiasticallywithhermother,Imademyobservations.
Shewasasimplegirl.ButIcouldtellshewasgoingtocausemeproblems.Shemadefunnyfaceswhenshetriedtheshellfishthey’dservedforthetable.Shebarelytastedabiteofit.Nowondershelookedsothininthatblackdress.She’dmademepausewhenIsawhercomeoutofherbedroom,lingeringoverherlonglegs,hernarrowwaist,andherbreasts.Shewasprettyhotconsideringshehadn’tgoneundertheknifelikemostchicksinCalifornia.
Ihadtoadmitit—shewasgood-looking,evenmoresothanI’dthoughtatfirst,andthatandotherthoughtscloudedmymood.Icouldn’tletapersonlikeherdistractme,especiallynotifwewerelivingunderthesameroof.
Ilookedatherfaceagain.Shedidn’thaveonajotofmakeup.Strange…AllthegirlsIknewspentatleastanhourintheirroomsontheirmakeupalone,andthisincludedgirlstentimeshotterthanNoah,butthereshewas,notworriedintheleastaboutgoingtoaluxuryrestaurantwithoutevenputtingonlipstick.Notthatsheneededit—shewasluckytohavetaut,almostperfectskin.Andthosefrecklesgaveheragirlylook,remindingmeshewasn’tevenoutofhighschool.
BeforeIknewit,Noahwasturningtomewithanirritatedexpression.She’dcaughtmestaring.
“Youwantaphoto?”sheaskedwiththatacidichumorIwasstartingtorealizewasatrademark.
“Yeah.Nude,obviously,”Isaid,enjoyingtheslightrednessinhercheeks.Hereyesshoneangrily,andsheturnedbacktoourparents,whohadn’tevennoticedthelittledustupthatwastakingplaceafootawayfromthem.
WhenIbroughtmysodatomylips,Icouldseethewaitresslookingatmefrombehindthebar.Icheckedtoseeifmyfathernoticedandthenexcusedmyself,sayingIwasgoingtothebathroom.Noahseemedtofollowmewithhereyes,butIignoredher.Ihadsomethingmoreimportanttodealwith.
IwalkedtothebarandsatonastoolinfrontofClaudia,thewaitressIsleptwithonceinawhile.Ihaddealingswithhercousin,too—morecomplicatedbutbeneficialnonetheless.
Claudialookedatmewithatensesmile,leanedonthebar,andofferedapartialviewofherbreasts.Asmuchasshecouldmanagewiththeuniformshehadon.
“Iseeyou’vefoundanothergirltospendtimewith,”shesaid.
Funny.
“She’smystepsister,”Isaid,andthenlookeddownatmywristwatch.IwouldbeseeingAnnainforty-fiveminutes.Ilookedbackatthebrunetteinfrontofme,gawking.“Idon’tknowwhyyoucare,”Iadded,standingup.“TellRonnieI’llbewaitingforhimtonightonthedocksatKyle’sparty.”
Claudiaclenchedherjaw,probablypissedathowlittleattentionIwaspayingtoher.Icouldn’tgetwhygirlsexpectedarelationshipwithaguylikeme.Didn’tIwarnthemIdidn’twantacommitment?Wasn’titclearthatI’dsleepwithwhomeverIfeltlike?Whydidtheythinktheycouldchangeme?
I’dstoppedsleepingwithClaudiaforthatveryreason,andshestillhadn’tforgivenmeforit.
“You’regoingtotheparty?”sheasked,soundingslightlyhopeful.
“Obvs,”Iresponded,ignoringherirritationbeforeIheadedbacktothetable.“MeandAnna.Bytheway,trytodoabetterjobofpretendingyoudon’tknowme.Mystepsister’salreadyfiguredoutwe’veslepttogether,andI’dprefermyfathernotdothesame.”
Claudiapressedherlipstogetherandturnedaroundwithoutaword.
Igotbackjustasdessertwasbeingdroppedoff.Aftertenminutes,withmyfatherandhisnewwifehoggingtheconversation,IdecidedI’dplayedtheroleofgoodsonenoughforoneday.
“Sorry,butIneedtogo,”Isaid,lookingatDad,whosebrowfurrowedbriefly.
“ToMiles’splace?”
Inoddedandtappedmywatch.
“What’sgoingonwiththecase?”
IstrugglednottosighwithresignationandliedasbestIcould.“Hisparentshaveleftusinchargeofallthepaperwork.Iguessthatmeanswe’vegotarealcase,andwithjustusworkingonit,it’lltakeyears,”Ireplied,awarethatNoahwasobservingmewithinterest.
“Arealcase?Whatareyoustudying?”sheasked.Shelookedsurprised,evenalittledisconcerted.
“Law,”Isaid.Sheseemedimpressed.“Doesthatsurpriseyou?”Iwasputtingherinacornerwiththatquestion,andIenjoyedit.
Herattitudechanged,andshelookeddownhernoseatme.
“Itdoes,honestly.Ithoughtthatwasamajorthatrequiredhavingabrain.”
“Noah!”hermothershouted.
Thatlittlesnotnosewastryingtotauntme.
BeforeIcouldsayanything,myfatherbuttedin.
“You’vebothstartedoffonthewrongfoot.”Hisexpressionwasicy.
ItwasallIcoulddonottostandupandwalkoutwithnoexplanation.I’dhadenoughofthehappyfamilyforoneday;Ineededtobounceandstoptryingtofakeinterestinallthatbullshit.
“Sorry,I’vegottogo,”Ideclared,gettingupanddroppingmynapkinonthetable.NowayIwasgoingtolosemycoolinfrontofDad.
Noahgotup,too,withoutanounceofelegance,andthrewherownnapkindown,noteventryingtoappearpolite.
“Ifhe’sgoing,I’mgoing,too,”sheaffirmed,glaringathermother,whostartedlookingfromsidetoside,overwhelmedandupset.
“Sitdown,”hermotherorderedbetweenclenchedteeth.
Icouldn’twastetimeonthisnonsense.Ihadplacestobe.
“I’lltakeherwithme,”Isaidtoeveryone’ssurprise,Noah’sincluded.
Shelookedatmewithsuspicion,notbelievingme,asifshethoughtIwereconcealingmytrueintentions.HonestlyIcouldn’twaittoloseher,andiftakingherhomewouldmakethathappenfaster,thensobeit.EspeciallyifitmeantIcouldgetawayfrommyfatheraswell.
“Iwouldn’twalkfivefeetwithyou,”shesaidproudly,enunciatingeachword.
Beforeanyonecouldrespond,Igrabbedmyjacket,andasIslippediton,Isaidtoeveryoneingeneral,“I’mnotinthemoodforthesegradeschoolgames.I’llseeyoutomorrow.”
“Nicholas,wait,”myfathercommanded.“Noah,gowithhimandgetsomerest.We’llbebackinawhile.”
Mynewsisterseemedtobewavering.Thenshesighed,scowled,andsaid,“Fine,I’llgowithyou.”5Noah
ThelastthingIwantedatthatmomentwastoowesomethingtothatbastard,butIwasevenlessinclinedtostaybehindwithmymotherandherhusbandandwatchherdrooloverhimwhilehewavedaroundhisbucksandshowedoffhowmuchpullhehad.
Nicholasturnedhisbacktomeandwalkedout.
IsaidanunenthusiasticgoodbyetoMomandhurriedafterhim.WhenIreachedthedoor,Istopped,crossedmyarms,andwaitedforthevalettopullhiscararound.
Bigsurprise—hepulledapackofcigarettesoutofhisjacketandlitoneup,bringingitslowlytohislipsandthenexpellingthesmokeinlongplumes.
I’dneversmoked;I’dnevereventriedtobaccowhenallmyfriendswereintoitandwouldsneakcigarettesinthegirls’bathroomatschool.Ididn’tunderstandwhatpleasureapersoncouldtakeininhalingcarcinogenicsmokethatleftanastyscentonyourhairandclothesandwasalsobadforlikeathousandorgans.
Asifhewasreadingmymind,Nicholassmiledmirthfullyandheldouthispack.
“Youwantone,littlesister?”heasked,andthentookanotherdragoffhis
“Idon’tsmoke.AndifIwereyou,Iwouldn’t,either.Youdon’twanttoendangertheonlyneuronyou’vegot.”IsteppedforwardsoIdidn’thavetoseehim.
Icouldfeelhewasclosetome,butIdidn’tmove,evenwhenthesmokecomingoutofhismouthsnakedcreepilyaroundmyneck.
“Becareful.Imightjustleaveyouherestrandedsoyoucanwalkhome,”hewarnedmejustashiscarwaspullingup.
IignoredhimasmuchasIcouldduringthedrive.HisSUVwassohighoffthegroundhecouldseeeverythingifIwasn’tcarefulgettingin,andasIdid,Iregrettedputtingonthosedumbshoes.Allthefrustration,anger,andsorrowhadgrownworseasthenightwenton,andthefiveormoreargumentsI’dhadwiththisidiothadturneditintotheabsoluteworstnightofmylife.
IstruggledtoputonmyseatbeltwhileNicholasstuckthekeyintheignition,pressedhishandagainstmyheadrest,hitreverse,andthenturnedontotheroadleadingout.Iwasn’tsurprisedthathedidn’tfollowtheroundabout—aroundaboutthatwasplacedtherepreciselyinordertokeeppeoplefromdrivingthewayNicholaswas.
Icouldn’thelpbutgroanwhenwegotbackonthemainroad.Outsidetheclub,mystepbrotherspedup,hittingseventy,deliberatelyignoringthetrafficsignsthatsaidthespeedlimitwasforty-five.
“What’syourproblem,anyway?”Nicholasaskedinawearytone,asifhecouldn’tputupwithmeaminutemore.Thatmakestwoofus,Ithought.
“Well,Idon’twanttodieontheroadwithsomemaniacwhodoesn’tknowhowtoreadaroadsign.That’soneproblem,”Ishouted.Iwasatmylimit.AnythingelseandI’dstartscreaminglikeabanshee.IknewIwasshort-fused.OneofthethingsIhatedmostaboutmyselfwasmylackofself-controlwhenIgotangry,thewayIcouldsoeasilyraisemyvoiceandturntoinsults.
“Whatthefuck’supwithyou?Youhaven’tstoppedcomplainingeversinceIhadthemisfortuneofmeetingyou,andhonestly,Idon’tgiveashitwhatyourproblemsare.Thisismyhome,mycity,andmycar,soshutyourmouthuntilwegetback,”hesaid,shoutingjustasIhad.
AnintenseheatfilledmybodyfromheadtotoewhenIheardthosewords.Nobodytoldmewhattodo…leastofallhim.
“Whothehellareyoutotellmetoshutup?!”Iwasbesidemyself.
Nicholasjerkedthewheelandbrakedsohard,ifIhadn’tputonmyseatbelt,I’dhaveshotrightthroughthewindshield.
WhenIgotovertheshock,Ilookedbackandwasscaredtoseetwocarsturningquicklyrighttoavoidhittingus.Hornshonked,anddriversshoutedinsults,andforamoment,Iwasstunned.ThenIreacted.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”Ishrieked,terrifiedsomeonemightrunusover.
Utterlyunperturbed,Nicholassaid,“Getout.”
Itmusthavelookedcomicalthewaymymouthfellopen.
“Youcan’tbeserious,”Isaid.
“I’mnotgoingtosayittwice,”hewarnedme,hisvoicesocomposeditwaschilling.
Thiswasgettinggrim.
“Well,you’regoingtohavetobecausethere’snowayI’mmovingfromhere.”Itriedtostareathimascoldlyashewasatme.
Hepulledouthiskeys,gotout,andlefthisdooropen.MyeyesbuggedoutasIwatchedhimwalkaroundthebackandreappearnexttomydoor.
I’vegottoadmit,hewasascarybastardwhenhegotpissedoff,andatthatmoment,hecouldn’thavebeenanyangrier.MyheartstartedpoundingwhenIfeltthatsensationIknewsowell:fear.Terror.
Heopenedmydoorandrepeatedthesamephrasefrombefore.“Getout.”
Mymindwasclickingatathousandmilesanhour.Hewasnuts;hecouldn’tjustleavemethereinthemiddleoftheroadinthedark,surroundedbytrees.
“Iwon’t.”Irefused,andIcursedmyselfasInoticedthetremorinmyvoice.Anirrationalfearwasgatheringinthepitofmystomach.Ifthatidiotleftmehere,Ithought,lookingoutintotheblacknight,somefoolwouldrunmedown.
He’dsurprisedmeagain,andonceagain,itwasnotagoodsurprise.
Hecrawleduponmyseat,unclickedmyseatbelt,andpulledmeoutofthecarsofastIcouldn’tprotest.
“Areyououtofyourmind?”Ishoutedashewalkedbacktothedriver’sseat.
“Getthisstraight,”hetoldmeoverhisshoulder.Helookedlikeastatueofice.“You’renotgoingtotalktomelikethat.I’vegotenoughproblemsofmyownwithoutputtingupwithyourshit.GetanUber,callyourmom,Idon’tcare.I’mout.”
Hegotbackinandputhiscaringear.Icouldfeelmyhandsshaking.
“Nicholas,youcan’tleavemehere!”Iroaredasthecarstartedtorollandthetiressquealed.“Nicholas!”
Thatscreamwasfollowedbyadeepsilencethatmademeworrymyheartwouldstop.
Theskywasjustshortofblack,andthemoonwasfarfromfull.Itriedtocontrolmyfearandmyirrationaldesiretokillthatsonofabitchwhohadleftmestrandedheremyfirstdayinthecity.
IheldontothehopethatNicholaswouldcomeback,butastheminutespassed,Iwasmoreandmoreworried.Itookoutmyphone,butthebatterywasdead,andthedamnedthinghadshutoff.Fuck!AllIcoulddo—andthiswasasawfulandasdangerousasjuststandinghere—wastrytothumbarideandpraythatacivilizedadultwouldtakepityonmeandtakemehome.Andifthathappened,I’dtakecareofthatbastardstepbrotherandenjoyit.Thingswouldn’tgoonlikethis.Thatdickheaddidn’tknowwhomorwhathewasplayingwith.
Isawacarcomingfromthedirectionoftheyachtclub,andIprayeditwasWill’sMercedes.
IcameasclosetoitasIcouldwithoutriskinggettinghitandstuckoutmythumbthewayI’dseenpeopledoinmovies.Iknewthathalfthetimeagirltriedtodoitsheendedupmurderedandthrowninaditch.ButIforcedmyselftopushthoselittledetailsoutofmymind.
Thefirstcardrovepast,thesecondshoutedaseriesofinsults,thethirdmadeabunchofnastysexualcomments,andthefourth…ThefourthstoppedontheroadsidefivefeetfromwhereI’dbeenstanding.
Iapproacheditwithafeelingofalarm,wonderingwhotheinsanebutveryopportuneindividualwaswhohaddecidedtohelpoutagirlwhocouldeasilypassasaprostitute.
IfeltrelievedwhenIsawthatthepersongettingoutofthecarwasaboy,moreorlessmyage.Thelightsgavemeaglimpseofhisdarkhair,hisstature,andhisevident(butjustthenextremelywelcome)airofapamperedrichkid.
“Areyouokay?”heasked,walkingtowardmejustasIwalkedtowardhim.
Whenwewereinfrontofeachother,weeachdidthesamething:hiseyeslookedmydressupanddown,andIcheckedouthisexpensivejeans,hisname-brandpolo,andhisgentle,worriedeyes.
“Yeah.Thanksforstopping.Thisidiotjustleftmeherehanging.”Ifeltembarrassed,stupid,forlettingsomethinglikethathappen.
Theyoungmanseemedsurprised.
“Hejustleftyouhere…here?Inthemiddleofnowhereatelevenatnight?”
Soitwouldbeokayifhe’dleftmeinthemiddleofaparkatlunchtime?Iaskedmyself,feelingasuddenhatredtowardanyandallbeingsendowedwithaYchromosome.Butstill,thekidseemedlikehewantedtohelp.Itwasnotimetopickfights.
“Anychanceyou’dmindtakingmehome?”Iasked,notbotheringtoanswerhisquestion.“Asyoucantell,Ireallyjustwantthisnighttoend.”
Thekidsmiled.Hewasn’tugly.Hewaseasyontheeyes,infact,withakindlyface,probablythetypetohelpanyoneoutofajam.Eitherthat,ormymindwastryingtosellmeaparallelrealityinwhicheverythingwasthecolorofrosesandboystreatedwomenwiththerespecttheydeservedinsteadofthrowingthemoutontheroadsideinhighheelsinthemiddleofthenight.
“Yousureyoudon’twanttogotoawildpartyatamansiononthebeach?Thatwayyoucanhaveallnighttothankmeforthewaythislittlemisfortuneallowedyouandmetomeeteachother,”hesaid,tickled.
Idon’tknowifitwashysteria,suppressedrage,orthefactthatIjustwantedtokillsomeone,butIlaughedrightinhisface.
“Sorry,but…allIwanttodoisgethomeandputtodaybehindme.I’vehadenoughofthiscityfornow.”Iutteredthesewordsmorecalmly,notwantingtoappearcrazyforlaughingbefore.
“Noworries.Butatleastyoucantellmeyourname,right?”Heseemedawfullyamusedinthissituationthathadnothingamusingaboutit.Butsincehewasmysavior,IfeltIshouldbenicetohimifIdidn’twanttoendupsleepingwiththesquirrels.
“Myname’sNoah.NoahMorgan.”Iputoutmyhand,andheimmediatelysqueezedit.
“I’mZack,”hesaidwitharadiantsmile.“Shallwe?”HepointedathisgleamingblackPorsche.
“Thanks,Zack.Seriously.”
Iwassurprisedthathewalkedmetothepassengersideandhelpedmegetin,justlikeinanold-fashionedmovie.Itwasstrange.Strangeandrefreshing.Despitewhatallthestatisticsseemedtosay,chivalrywasapparentlystillnotdead,evenifpeoplelikeNicholasLeistermightmakeyouthinkso.
AssoonasZackgotinthedriver’sseat,Iknewhewouldn’tbelikeNicholas.Hewasevidentlyagoodguy,educated,reasonable,thetypicalboyamotherwoulddieforherdaughtertogooutwith.Iputonmyseatbeltandsighedwithrelief,knowingthattheworsthadbeenavoided.
“Whereto?”heasked,puttingthecaringearandtakingoffinthesamedirectionNicholashadmorethananhourbefore.
“YouknowWilliamLeister’shouse?”Iasked,assumingeveryoneinthatneighborhoodofrichpeoplekneweachother.
“Yeah,ofcourse.Butwhatdoyouwanttogotherefor?”
“That’swhereIlive,”Iresponded,feelingajabinmychestasIrealizedthathoweverpainfulthatwas,itwastrue.
Zacklaughed,unbelieving.
“YouliveatNicholasLeister’splace?”IgroundmyteethasIheardthatname.
“Worse—I’mhisstepsister.”HowdisgustingtohavetoadmitIwasrelatedtothatdimwit.
Zacklookedawayfromtheroadasecondtoturnhissurprisedeyestowardme.Iguesshewasn’ttheresponsibledriverI’dimagined.
“You’renotserious…orareyou?”
“Oh,I’mserious.He’stheonewholeftmestrandedhere.”Itwashumiliatingtoadmit.
Zacklaughedsardonically.
“Honestly,Ifeelforyou,”hesaid,andthatmademefeelevenworse.“NicholasLeisteristheabsoluteworst.”Heshiftedgearsandsloweddownaswepulledintoaresidentialarea.
“Soyouknowhim?”Itriedtobringtogetherinmymindthegentlemantomyleftandthedelinquentinthe4×4.
“Unfortunately,Ido,”hereplied.“Hisfathersavedmyfather’sassinaprettynastycasewiththeIRSjustoverayearago.He’sagoodattorney,andhislittlebastardsoncan’thelprubbingitinmyfaceeverytimehegetsthechance.Wewenttohighschooltogether.Icanassureyouhe’sthemostegotistical,rudesonofabitchyou’llevermeet.”
Damn!ApparentlyIwasn’ttheonlymemberoftheAnti-NicholasLeisterClub.Thatmademefeelabitbetter.
“I’dliketosaysomethingniceabouthim,”Zackwenton,“buthe’sgotmoredirtylaundrythananyoneI’veevermet.Takemyadviceandstayawayfromhim.”
“Easyforyoutosay.Weliveunderthesameroof.”IguessIwasn’tfeelingbetterafterall.
“He’satthepartyImentioned,incaseyouwanttogivehimakickintheass,”hesaidwithagrin.Thatinformationwasacompletesurprise.
“He’sgoingtotheparty?”Ifelthotshameburningallovermybody.
“You’renotreallythinking…”hestartedtoaskapprehensively.
“I’mgoing,”Itoldhim,assureofitasI’deverbeenofanythinginmyentirelife.“AndIwillgivehimthatkickintheass.”
Twentyminuteslater,wewereonthebeachinfrontofanenormoushouse.Butthesizewasn’twhatcaughttheeyesomuchasthequantityofpeoplegatheredaroundit,ontheentrancestairs,anywhereyouturned.
Themusicwasaudiblefromamileaway,soloudIthoughtIcouldfeelmybrainbouncingaroundinmyskull.
“Areyousureaboutthis?”mynewbestfriendasked.SinceI’dtoldZackmyplan,he’dbeentryingtoconvincemetoabandonship.Itseemedmynewstepbrother,apartfrombeingahardheadandamoron,waspronetoscrapping.“Noah,youhavenoideawhatyou’regettinginto.Youalreadysawhowitdidn’tevenbotherhimtoleaveyoubackthere.Whatmakesyouthinkhe’sgoingtocarewhatyouhavetosaytohim?”
Grippingthedoorhandle,Iresponded,“Trustme.He’llneverdoanythinglikethattomeagain.”
Wegotoutofthecarandwalkedtowardtheimmenseentrywayofthehouse.Itwaslikegoingtooneofthosepartiesyouseeinmovies,likeinNeverBackDownorTheFastandtheFurious.Justcrazy.Beerkegswerelaidoutalloverthefrontyard,andabunchofguyswereshoutingandencouragingeachothertodrinkmore.Thegirlswerewearingbikinis,someofthemjustbrasandpanties.
“Areallthepartieshegoestolikethis?”Iasked,lookinggrossedoutasacouplehookedupagainstoneofthewallsofthehouse,notevencaringthateveryonewaswatchingthem.Itwasrepugnant.
“Notallofthem,”heresponded,chuckling.“Thisoneismixed.”Thatthrewmeoff.Mixed?Whatdidhemean?
“Areyousayingbecausethereareguysandgirlsatthesameparty?”Ireturnedtomemoriesofmypast,whenIwastwelveandmymotherhadorganizedmyfirstpartywithboys.Atotaldisaster,sofarasIrecalled:theboyshadthrownmeandmyfriendsinthepool,andwe’dendedupfoundingtheAnti-BoysChapteroftheBestFriendsForeverClub.Iknewitwasstupid,butIhadbeentwelve,notseventeen.
Zackgrabbedmyarmanddraggedmeforward.Hisfingerswerewarm,andIfeltcalmerknowinghewasthere.Thispartycouldintimidateanyone,letaloneanoutsiderlikemyself.
“WhatImeanisanyonecancome,”hesaid,pushingthroughthecrowdandgoinginside.Themusicwaswildandrepetitiveanddrilledintoyoureardrumssodeepithurtjusttobethere.
“Idon’tgetit.”HepushedmeintooneoftheroomswherethemusickilledyouslowlyratherthaninstantlyandwhereIcouldtalkwithoutshreddingmyvocalcords.
“Anyonewhopayscancome,”hetoldme,wavingatsomeoftheguysthere.Ididn’tlikehimhavingthekindoffriendsIsawthere.“Theyusethemoneytobuyallkindsofliquorand…”Helookedatmeafewmoments,maybewonderingwhetherIwasoldenoughtohearthis.“Andallthestuffyouneedforapartytogetlit.”
Drugs.Great.Andhethoughtthatwasfunny.WhatthehellhadIgotteninto?
Therewerecoupleslyingonthesofaandothersstandingupdancingtotherhythmofthemusic,andIrealizedthatamongtherichkidsinexpensiveclothes,therewerepeoplewhocouldhavebeenfromtheworstneighborhoods.Itwasanexplosivemix.
“I’mstartingtothinkthiswasabadidea,”Itoldmycompanion,butbynowhewassittingononeofthecoucheswithabottleofbeerinhishand.
“Comehere,Noah,”hesaid,tuggingmyarmtillIfellinhislap.“Let’shavefuntonight.Don’twasteyourtimeonthatasshole.”Hisfingersstrokedmyhairandmyshoulders,andItensedupandthenstoodasfastasIcould.
“I’mhereforonereason.”Iglaredathim.I’dbeenwrongaboutZack,itwasobvious.“Thanksforbringingme.”Iturnedaroundandwalkedaway.
Ididn’treallyknowwhattodohereaftergivingthecoldshouldertotheoneguywhowasn’tsodrunkhe’dsmashhiscarintoatreeifIaskedhimtotakemehome.ButIcouldn’tstopimaginingtheconfusedlookonNicholas’sfacewhenhesawme.HadZackliedtome,though?Maybehewasjustacrazydrunktryingtodragmetotheworstplaceever.Well,Iwasgoingtolook,andifIfoundNicholas,IwasgoingtodowhatIcametherefor.
Iwenttowardthekitchen,wheretherewerefewerpeople,thinkingI’dgetaglassofcoldwater.Ididn’tknowwhethertodrinkitordumpitovermyheadtotrytowakeupfromthisnightmare.Thisdayseemedlikeitwouldneverend.
WhenIturneddownthelittlehallwayleadingthere,Istopped.
Therehewas—noshirton,justjeans,surroundedbygirlsandfourmuscularfriendsalittleshorterthanhim.
Iwatchedhimforafewmoments.
WasthisthesameguyI’dbeenhavingdinnerwithataluxuryrestaurantjustalittlewhileago?
Hewas,andsoitsurprisedmetoseehimnow.Helookedlikehe’djuststeppedoutofamafiamovie.Theywereplayingbeerpong,butwithshotsoftequila.Mydearstepbrotherwaskillingit.Hehadn’tmissedonce.Thatmeanthewasn’tasdrunkastheothers.
Nicholasshotandmissedonpurpose.ItwassoobviousIcouldn’tseehowtheothersdidn’trealizeit,buttheyalljeeredathimandcrackeduplaughing.Hegrabbedhisshotanddowneditfast.
Whenitwashisfriend’sturn,Nicholaswentovertoahotbrunettegirlwhowassittingontheblack-marblecountertop.Shewaswearingasky-bluebikinitopandshortsthatshowedoffhersun-bronzedlegs.
Iwastoodressedup—toocoveredup—forapartylikethis.
Nicholasburiedhishandinthehaironthebackofherneck,pulledherheadback,andFrenchkissedherinthemostdisgustingwayIcouldimagine,especiallywithallthosepeoplethere.
Thatwasmychance.I’dcatchhimbysurpriseandquellmyburningdesiretotearhisgoddamnheadoff.
Hehadn’tevenbotheredtoseeifIwasokay.Icouldhavestillbeenstuckthere,andhewouldn’thaveliftedafingerforme.IwasfuriousI’dletmyselfbetreatedthatway,evenmoresoforfindingmyselfhereinthismadhousethankstohim,soIwalkedacrossthekitchen,grabbedhisarmtoturnhimaround,and,shockingevenmyself,insteadofslappinghimasI’dplanned,Ipunchedhiminthejaw,nearlybreakingoneormoreofmyknuckles.Itwasworthit,though,andhedeservedit.
Hewasbrieflydisconcerted,asifhedidn’tunderstandwhathadhappened,whoIwas,orwhyI’dhithim.Butthatjustlastedafewseconds,andthenhisfacechanged,hisposturechanged,andIfoundmyselfpinnedwhereIwasstanding.
Everyonegatheredaroundus.Itwassilentasagrave.Alleyeswereonus.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere?”heasked,sofuriousIfearedformylife.
Iflookscouldkill,Iwasalreadydead,boxedup,andburied.
“You’resurprisedIcouldwalkhere?”Iasked,tryingnottobeintimidatedbyhisstance,hisheight,andthoseterrifyingmuscles.“You’reapieceofshit,youknowthat?”
Adry,measuredlaugheruptedfromhisesophagus.
“Noah,youhavenoideawhatyou’regettinginto.”Hetookastepforward,andIcouldfeeltheheatradiatingoffhisbody.“Athome,youmaybemystepsister,butoutsidethosefourwalls,”hecontinued,sosoftonlyIcouldhearit,“thisismyworld,andIwon’tputupwithanyofyourbullshit.”
Ididn’tlethimintimidateme.TherewasnowayI’deverallowhimtoseehowmuchhiswordsandhisbehaviorscaredme.I’dlivedalifeofviolence.Iwasn’tgoingtoputupwithitanymore.
“Fuckyou,”Isaid,andturnedaround,readytogetoutofthere.Ahandgrabbedmyarmandpulled,notlettingmetakeanotherstep.
“Letmego,”Iorderedhim,turningaroundsohecouldseeIwasserious.
Hesmiledandlookedateveryonegawkingandthenbackatme.
“Who’dyoucomeherewith?”heasked.
Igulped.NowayIwasanswering.
“Whobroughtyouhere?”hescreamedsoloudIflinched.Thatwasthelaststraw.
“Letmego,yousonofa…”Istartedhowling,butitwaspointless.Hewasholdingontomesotightithurt.
Thensomeoneelsespokeup.
“Iknowwhoitwas,”saidafatguywithnotafreeinchofskinleftformoretattoos.“ZackRogersshowedupwithher.”
“Bringhimtome.”
Mystepbrotherwasactinglikeadelinquent,andIwasreallygettingscared.Iregrettedhittinghim,notbecausehedidn’tdeserveitbutbecauseIwasafraidI’dprovokedthedevilhimself.
Twominuteslater,Zackappearedinthekitchen,andthecircleopenedtolethimthrough.HelookedatmeasifI’dbetrayedhim.
Whatthehellwasthedealwiththesepeople?
“Youbroughtherhere?”mystepbrotheraskedhimcalmly.
Zackhesitatedandthennodded.Hedidn’tbreakeyecontactwithNicholas,butIcouldtellhewasscared.
BeforeIknewit,NicholashadpunchedZackinthestomachsohardhebentoverinpain.
Ishouted,afraidforhim,withthatsamepaininmychestIalwaysfeltwheneverIwitnessedanytypeofviolence.
“Don’tyoudaredothatagain,”IsaidtoNicholas.
Heturnedaround,grabbedbyarm,andstarteddraggingmetowardthedoor.
Ididn’thavethestrengthtoprotest.Whenwegotthere,hestopped.Hetookhiscellphoneoutofhispocket,cursedunderhisbreath,andwaitedforwhomeverhewascallingtoanswer.
“Waitformehere,”hesaid,lookingforaplacewherethenoisefromthepeopleandthemusicwouldn’tbotherhim.Heendedupjustpastthestairsleadinguptotheporch.Hecouldseemeperfectly,sotherewasnopointinrunning.
“Youokay?”someguyaskedme.
“Honestly,no.”Iwasawreck.Ileanedagainstthewindow,unabletoavoidcertainmemoriesthatI’dkeptburiedinthedepthsofmymindandthatwerenowresurfacingtotormentmejustthen.“Ifeelfaint.”
“Here,haveadrink,”hesaid,handingmeacup.
Itookitwithoutevenlooking.Mythroatwassodry,itdidn’tmatterwhatitwas.Iclosedmyeyesandopenedthemoncethecupwasempty,onlytoseeNicholasflyingupthestairs.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”hesaid,tearingthecupoutofmyhands.
Iwasgoingtorespond,buthewasalreadylookingawayfrommetowardtheguywho’dgivenittome.Hegrabbedhimbyhisshirtandnearlyliftedhimofftheground.
“Whatthefuckdidyougiveher?”heasked,shakinghimaround.
Ilookedwithhorroratthecup.
“Shit!”6Nick
“Shit!”
“Whatthehelldidyougiveher?”IaskedthedickheadIwasholdingbythecollar.
Icouldseetheterrorinhiseyes.
“Answerme!”Ishouted,cursingthedayI’devermetmystepsister,cursingthatmoronZackRogersforbringinghertoapartylikethis.
“Jesus,dude!”Theguy’seyeswerelikesaucers.“Burundanga,okay!”headmittedwhenIslammedhimintothewall.
Jesus.Adaterapedrug.Itwascolorlessandodorlessandeasytoslipintoadrinkwithoutapersonrealizingit.
Justthinkingaboutwhatcouldhavehappenedcloudedmymind,andIcouldn’tcontrolmyself.Whatkindofdirtbagwoulddothattoagirl?WhenIfinishedwithhim,youwouldn’tbeabletoidentifyhimfromhislicensephoto.Myhandsweregoingtolooklikehamburgerbythetimethenightwasover.
IlostcountofhowmanytimesIhithim.
“Nicholas,stop!”avoicebehindmeshouted.Istoppedmyhandbeforeitslammedbackintothatbastard’sface.
“Bringthatshittoanotheroneofmypartiesandthisisgoingtolookcompassionatecomparedtowhathappensnexttime,”Ithreatenedhim,makingsurehe’dheardeveryword.“Understand?”
Hestumbledoff,bleeding,tryingtogetasfarfrommeaspossible,andIturnedbackaroundtofindNoahterrified.
SomethingshiftedinsidemewhenIsawherexpression.Icouldn’tstandher,Icouldhappilyhavewrungherneck,but,dammit,noonedeservedtobedruggedwithouttheirconsent.Bythelookonherface,IcouldtellthisnighthadtakenNoahpastherlimits.
Itriedtotalkmyselfdown,observingherasIwalkedoverslowly.WhenIwasclose,shestartedwalkingbackward,mouthajar,frightedandtrembling.
“Jesus,Noah,I’mnotgoingtohurtyou,okay?”Isaid.Ifeltlikeacriminal,andIhadn’tevendoneanything.
WhenIlefther,Ijustassumedshe’dcallhermomandsheandmydadwouldpickherupandtakeherbackhome.Ineverthoughtshe’dclimbintothecarofthefirstidiotwhocamealongandshowupatapartyabsolutelyunsuitedtoagirlherage.
“Whatdidhegiveme?”sheasked,lookingatmelikeIwasademon.
Isighedandlookedup,tryingtoputmythoughtsinorder.MyfatherhadjustcalledtoaskwherethehellNoahwas.Hermotherwasworried,soIsaidI’dcallherrightback.ItoldhimNoahwaswithme,atMiles’shouse,andwewerewatchingamoviewithhissister.
Itwasalie,madeuponthespot,butmyfathercouldneverknowwhathadhappenedtonightorwhere.I’dgottenoutoftoomanybadsituationsforhimtolearnthatnothinghadactuallychanged.Ithadbeenhardformetokeepmyprivatelifeunderwraps,andIsurewasn’tgoingtoletsomeonelikeNoahspoilit.
Ithadn’tevenbeenaday,andshe’dmanagedtobeabiggerpaininmyassthananywomanI’deverhadthepleasureofmeeting.
“Youallright?”Iasked,ignoringherquestion.
“Iwanttokillyou,”sheanswered.Icouldseehereyelidsweredrooping.IneededtogetheronthephonewithhermomASAPbeforethesituationgotworse.
“Yeah,let’stakearaincheckonthat,”Isaid,grabbingherarm.“You’llbeallright.Trytorelax.”
Whenwereachedmycar,Iopenedthepassenger-sidedoorandwaitedforhertositdown.ThenItookoutmyphone.
“Youneedtotellyourmotheryou’refineandnottostayupforyou,”Isaid,lookingforDad’snumberinmycontacts.“Tellherwe’rewatchingamovieatsomefriend’splace.”
“Upyours,”shesaid,headlollingback,shuttinghereyes.
Igrabbedherfaceandopenedhereyes.ShelookedmewithsuchhatredIwantedtofindsomethingIcouldkick,break,andshatterintoamillionpieces.
“Callherorthisisgoingtogetuglyforreal,”Isaid,imaginingwhatmighthappenifmyfatherfoundoutwhathadhappenedtonight.NottomentionNoah’smother.
“Whatareyougoingtodotome?”shesaid,herpupilsgettingmoredilated.“Leavemebehindsosomeonecanrapeme?Wait…youalreadydidthatonce.”
Igetit—Ideservedthat—buttherewasnotimeforsarcasm.
“I’mdialinghernow.Ifyou’resmart,you’lltellherwhatIsaid.”
Afewsecondslater,IheardRaffaella’svoiceontheotherline.
“Noah,areyouokay?”
Shelookedatmebeforeresponding.
“Yeah,”sheanswered,tomyrelief,“we’rewatchingamovie.We’llbehomealittlelate.”Hereyesturneduptowardtheroofofthecar.
“I’msogladyouwent,sweetie.You’llloveNick’sfriends,justwait…”
IlookedasidewhenIheardthat.
“Forsure,”Noahsaid.
“Seeyoutomorrow,babe.Iloveyou.”
“Youtoo.Bye.”
Itookthephoneandslippeditintomypocket.
Iwalkedaroundtothedriver’sside.We’dhavetowaitthereandseehowgoodNoah’stolerancefordrugswas.
“I’mhot,”shesaid,eyesclosed,andIcouldtell—sweatcoveredherforeheadandneck.
“It’llpass.Don’tletitworryyou,”Itoldher,hopingmywordswouldn’tbetrayme.
“Whataretheeffectsofthisstuff?”Hervoicewasgroggy.
“Sweating,feverandchills.Itmakesyoutired,”Isaid,hopingthatwasit.
Ifshestartedvomitingorherheartbeattoofast,I’dhavetotakehertothehospital,andthatwouldn’tendwell.
Hercheekswerered,andherhairwasstickingtoherforehead.Inoticedshehadahairbandaroundoneofherwrists.Ileanedoverherandtookitoff.TheleastIcoulddowashelpherbeascomfortableaspossible.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked,veryclearlyscared.
Ibreatheddeep,tryingtokeepmyemotionsincheck.I’dneverdoneanythingoutoflinewithawoman,andseeinghowterrifiedNoahwasthatIwouldwaslikeakickintheballs.
I’donlyknownthegirlforafewhours,andshewasalreadywearingmeout.
“I’mhelpingyou,”Isaid,pullingherlong,colorfulhairbackintoasloppyponytailontopofherhead.
“Todothat,you’dhavetodisappear,”sheslurred.
Icouldn’thelpbutchuckle.Shehadguts,morethananyothergirlI’devermet.Shedidn’tknowwhomshewasplayingwith,didn’tknowwhoIwasorwhatIwascapableof,butthatwasrefreshingsomehow.
Ithoughtofthelookshehadjustafterpunchingme.Ithadbeencompletelyunexpected—thefirsttimeanyonehadpunchedmeinforever.
Instinctively,Igrabbedherrighthandandlookedatherswollenknuckles.Itmusthavetakenallthestrengthshehadtoleaveherhandlookinglikethat.Ifeltbadforher.IhadavisionofmyselfteachingNoahtothrowapunchtherightway.
Shewasworryingme.Nowthatherhairwasn’tcoveringherface,Inoticedcertaintraitsthathadescapedmebefore.Herneckwaspretty,hercheekboneshighwiththeirirresistibledustingoffreckles.Thatmademegrinforsomereason.Hereyelasheswerelongandcastshadowsonhercheeks,butthethingthatreallycaughtmyeyewasthatlittletattoojustunderherleftear.
Itwasaknot,afigureeight.
Ilookedatmyownarm,whereI’dgottenthatsametattoothreeandahalfyearsbefore.Itwasaperfectknot,onethatwouldn’tgiveouteasily,andthat’swhyI’dchosenit.Itmeantthatifthingscametogetherright,ifyouusedyourhead,theresultcouldbeindestructible.Ididn’tunderstandhowshecouldhavethattattoooranythingelseactually—itclashedwiththeimageI’dcreatedofherinmymind.
Iranafingercarefullyoverthattattoo,sotinycomparedtomine,andfelthowbothofusgotgoosebumps.Noahtwitchedunconsciously,andIfeltsomethingstrange,uncomfortable,inthepitofmystomach.
Ithrewonmyseatbelt,grabbedthewheel,putthecaringear,andlookedbackathertattoobeforefocusingontheroad.LuckilyI’donlyhadtimeforonebeerandoneshot,soIwasabletodrivehomewithpeaceofmind.
Theoutsidelightswereonasalways.Itwasincrediblylate,andIprayedourparentswereinbed.Noahwasoutofcommission,andIcouldn’tletDadcatchus
Iparkedinmyspaceandgotout,tryingnottomakenoise.IcarefullyunbuckledNoah’sseatbeltandtookherinmyarms.Shewasburningup.Iwasworriedherfevermightturndangerous.
“Wherearewe?”sheaskedinavoiceIcouldbarelyhear.
“Home,”Isaidtocalmherdown,turningsoIcouldopenthedoorwithoutdisturbingher.
Insideitwastotallydarkexceptforthefaintlightofatablelampinthelivingroom.NosoonerhadRaffaellamovedtherethanshe’dgottenobsessedwithleavingalightortwoonatnight.
ItwasstrangetomethatNoahwasstillconscious,andIrushedhertoherbedsoIcouldleavehertheremorecomfortable.
“No,”shesaid,frightened.
“Easynow,”Isaid,astonishedathowtightlyshewasholdingme.
“Don’tleavemealone.I’mscared.”Therewaspanicinhervoice.ItwasweirdbecauseIwassureIwastheonewhohadscaredherandIcouldn’timaginewhyshe’dwanttostaywithme.
“Noah,thisisyourroom,”Isaid,sittingonherbedandholdingherinmylap.
Sheopenedhereyes,andIsawterrorinthem.
“Thelight,”shemutteredasifshewerehardlycapableofpronouncingthewords.
Itwasweird.Therewasn’tanylighton.
“Turniton,”shealmostbegged.
Iobservedherafewsecondsbeforerealizingthatwhatscaredherwasn’tthatIwasinherroomorthedrugsorthefactthatshecouldbarelymove;itwasthedarkness.
“You’rescaredofthedark?”Iasked,leaningoverherandturningonthelamponhernightstand.
Herbodyinstantlyrelaxed.
Iraisedaneyebrow,askingmyselfhowthischickcouldbesocomplicated.Igotup,arrangedheragainstthepillows,andthenstoodthereamoment,makingsureherbreathingwasnormal.Itwas.Noahwasastronggirl.
“Getoutofmyroom,”shecommandedme,andIdid.
IthinkitwasthesanestthingIdidallnight.7Noah
WhenIopenedmyeyesthatmorning,Ifeltawful.forthefirsttimeinmylife,thelightbotheredme.Myheadhurtlikecrazy,andIfeltweirdallover.Itwashardtoexplain,butIwasawareofeverymovement,everysensationtakingplaceinmybody,anditwasuncomfortable,irritating,upsetting.Mythroatwasdry,asifIhadn’tdrunkanythinginaweek.
Istumbledovertothebathroomandlookedatmyselfinthemirror.
JesusLord,howhorrible!
ThenIremembered.
Andmybodytrembledfromheadtotoe.
Myeyeswereswollen,myhairmessyandpulledbackinarattyponytail.Ididn’trememberpullingitback,though.Itookoffmydress,brushedmyteethtocleanthatbittertastefrommymouth,andputonmypajamashortsandmyfavoriteT-shirtwiththeholesinit.
Memoriesflashedthroughmyheadlikestop-motionphotographs.Drugs.ThatwasallIcouldthink.Someonehaddruggedme.I’dtakendrugs,I’dgotteninastranger’scar,I’dgonetoapartyfullofgoons…anditwasalloneperson’sfault.
Iwalkedoutofmybedroom,slammedthedoor,andwenttoNicholas’sroom.
Ididn’tbotherknockingbeforeopeningthedoortowhatlookedlikeabearcavewithapersonunderadarkblanketinahugebed.
Iwalkedoverandshookthepersonsleepingtherelikealog,asifnothinghadhappened,asifitwasn’thisfaultsomeonehaddruggedme.
“Dammit,”hemutteredwithoutopeninghiseyes.
Hisdisheveledhairwascamouflagedagainstthedark-satinsheets.Ipulledhardonthecoveruntilhewasexposed.Ididn’tcare.
Fortunatelyhewasn’tnaked,buthiswhiteboxersdidthrowmeoffforasecond.Hewassleepingfacedown,givingmetheperfectpanoramaofhisbroadback,hislonglegs,and—forgivemeforsayingso—hissplendidass.
ButIforcedmyselftofocusonwhatwasreallyimportant.
“Whathappenedlastnight?”Inearlyshouted,shakinghisarmsohe’dwakeup.
Hegruntedandgrabbedholdofmyhand,stillwithhiseyesclosed,andwithonejerk,hepulledmeintohisbed.
Ifelldownnexttohimandtriedtostruggleaway,butitwasfutile.
“Evenwhenyou’rehighyoucan’tshutthefuckup,”hesaidbeforefinallyopeninghiseyes.
Twoblueirisesfocusedonmine.
“Whatdoyouwant?”heasked,lettinggoofmywristandsittingup.
Igotoutofthebedimmediately.
“WhatdidyoudotomelastnightwhileIwasoutofit?”Iasked,fearingtheworst.
Ifthatbastardhaddonesomethingtome…
“Oh,Ididitall,”hesaidcontemptuouslyandthenlaughed.Istruckhimonthechest.
“Moron!”Ishouted,feelingthebloodrisetomycheeks.
Heignoredmeandstoodup.
Thensomeoneorsomethingenteredtheroom:acreaturecoveredinhairdarklikehisowner’s,darklikethatdamnedroom.
“Hey,Thor,youhungry,boy?HaveIgotatastytreatforyou.”Hegrinnedatmeashesaidthis.
“I’mgoing.”Iwalkedtowardthedoor.Ineverwantedtoseethatidiotagain,andknowingthatI’dhavetomademymoodevenworsethanitalreadywas.
Nicholasinterceptedmeinthemiddleoftheroom,andIalmostranintohisbarechest.
“I’msorryaboutwhathappenedlastnight.”Forafewmiraculousseconds,Ithoughthewassincerelyapologizing.HowwrongIwas:“Butyoucan’tsayafuckingword,orI’mscrewed.”NowIknewallhewantedwastosavehisass.Asforme,hecouldn’tcareless.
Ilaughedbitterly.“Sosaysthefuturelawyer.”
“Keepyourtrapshut.”Heignoredmycomment.
“Orwhat?”
Heeyedmeupandthenjabbedafingerundermyrightear,inaplacethatmeantsomethingspecialtome.“Orelsethatknotmightnotbestrongenoughtoholdyou.”WhatdidheknowaboutmytattooorabouthowstrongIwas?
“HowaboutyouignoremeandI’llignoreyou.We’lldealwiththebriefmomentswhenwehavetobetogether.Soundgood?”Iwalkedaroundhimandleft.
Thorwaggedhistail,watchingmego.
Atleastthedogdidn’thatemeanymore,Itoldmyselfbywayofconsolation
Iwentstraightbacktomyroom.Ididn’tlikenotrememberingwhathadhappened—notatall.NicholascouldhaveseensomethinginmethatIneverwantedtoshowhim,andthatwaswhatmademehatehiminthatmoment.I’dstruggledtounderstandhowIcouldmanagetorejecthimsoforcefullyinsolittletime,butitwasnormalifIconsideredthatNicholasLeisterrepresentedabsolutelyeverythingIhatedinaperson:hewasviolent,dangerous,anabuser,aliar,threatening…everythingthatmademetakeoffrunningintheoppositedirection.
Isawmypursehadbeenslungdownonthebed.Igrabbedmyphoneandpluggeditin.Dammit,Danwasgoingtokillme.I’dpromisedhimI’dcallhimlastnight.Hemusthavebeenclimbingthewalls.FuckingNicholasLeister!Everythingwashisfault!
WhenIturnedonmyphoneandopenedmymessages,Isawthattherewerenonewones—nomissedcalls,either.Thatwasstrange.
Itwasbeautifulout,aperfectdayforthebeachortotakeaswimforthefirsttimeinthatamazingpool.IfI’dbeeninabettermood,I’dhavegoneoutsidetosunbathe,readagoodbook,andtrytoforgetwhathadhappenedor,evenworse,whatmighthavehappened.Withthosethoughtsinmyhead,Iwalkedintomybigfancycloset.Inadrawer,Isawatonofswimsuits,butIdidn’tstoplookinguntilIfoundaone-piece.
Ilookedatmynakedbodyinthemirror,withspecialattentiononthatpartIfeltmortifiedabout.ButIdecidedtoputitoutofmymind.Afterall,Iwasathome.
Inasundressandwithaviolettowel,Iwalkedoutofmybedroomtofacemyfirstbreakfastinthathouse.
Itwasunsettlingwalkingaroundhere.IfeltthesameasIhadwhenIwasalittlegirlandwouldsleepoveratafriend’shouseandatnightI’dwanttogototherestroombutwouldn’tbecauseIwasscaredI’drunintosomeonefromtheirfamily.
Downstairs,Ifoundmymotherinherwhite-silkrobeandsandalswithWill,whowaswearingasuit,readyforwork.
“Goodmorning,Noah,”shesaid.“How’dyousleep?”
Fabulously,consideringIwasunconsciousandwithafiendishheadache.
“Itwasn’tthebestnightI’veeverhad,”Ianswered.
Shecameovertokissmeonthecheek.
“DidyouhavefunwithNickandhisfriends?”sheaskedhopefully.
Oh,Mom,youcan’tevenimagine.Youhavenoideawhoyournewstepsonis.
“Speakofthedevil,”Williamsaidbehindmyback,gettingupfromthetablejustasNickentered.
“What’sup,guys?”hesaidonhiswaytothefridge.
“Didyouhavefunlastnight?”mymotheraskedhim.“Howwasthemovie?”
Movie?
Istartedtoask,“What?,”butNickslammedtherefrigeratorshutandturnedaroundwithanicystare.
“Itwasgreat,right,Noah?”
IrealizedthereIhadhim.IfItoldthetruth,whoknewwhathisfatherwouldsay.Icouldevengotothepoliceandturnhiminforofferingalcoholtoaminor—me—forlettingsomeonedrugme,andobviouslyforleavingmeoutinthemiddleoftheroad.
Icouldn’thaveenjoyeditmoreasIlethimknowwithmygazethatIhadnoideawhatweweretalkingabout.
“Ican’treallyremember,”Iansweredmymother,watchinghimturntense.“WasitSleepingwiththeEnemyorTraffic?”Iwasgoingtoenjoyseeinghiminthatsituation,buthejustlaugheditoff,wipingthesmileoffmyface.
“IthinkyoumeanCruelIntentions,”heresponded,surprisingmebynamingoneofmyfavoritemovies.Ironic,whenyouconsideredthatthetwomaincharacterswereastepbrotherandstepsisterwhohatedeachother…
Sensingsomethingwasup,mymotherasked,“Whatareyoutwotalkingabout?”
“Nothing,”wesaidinunison,andthatbotheredmeevenmore.
Foramoment,wewereinastandoff:Iwastryingtointimidatehim;hewastryingtoletmeknowhewashavingfun.
“Yougonnamoveorwhat?”Iasked,tryingtogettotherefrigerator.
“Look,Freckles,youandIneedtoworksomethingsoutifwe’regoingtoliveunderthesameroof.”
“I’vegotanidea,”Isaid.“Howaboutwhenyoucomein,I’llgoout,andwhenIseeyou,I’llignoreyou,andwhenyoutalk,I’llpretendIcan’thearyou?”IcursedthemomentI’dmethim.
“Sorry,Igothunguponthein-and-outpart,”hesaid—thepervert—grinningandmakingmeblush.
Dammit.
“You’regross,”IsaidandtriedtopushhimasideuntilhefinallyyieldedandIcouldgrabtheorangejuice.
Mymotherhadwalkedoffwithacupofcoffeeinonehandandanewspaperintheother.Iknewwhatshewanted:shewantedformetogetalongwithNicholas,forustobecomefriendsandforamiracletohappensoI’dlovehimlikethebrotherI’dneverhad.
Ridiculous.
Isatdownononeofthebenchesnexttotheislandandpouredthejuiceintoacrystalglass.Nicholaswaswearingtrackpantsandatanktop.Hisarmswereshapely,andafterseeinghimpunchtwoguysintenminutes,IknewIshouldstayawayfromhim.Whoknewwhathewascapableof?
Whenheturnedaroundwithhiscoffee,Isawit:thetattoo.HehadthesameoneIhadonmyneck.Thesameknot,thatsymbolthatmeantsomuchtome.Thatmonsterhadanidenticalknotonhisarm.
Ifeltasharppaininmychestashecameoverandsatdowninfrontofme,watchingmeuntilhenoticedwhatIwaslookingat.Thenhetookasipofhiscoffee,puthiscuponthetable,andleanedover.
“Iwassurprised,too,”hesaid.
Ifeltuncomfortable,exposed.
“Soitlookslikewe’vegotsomethingincommon,”hecontinued.Hedidn’tseemoverjoyedthatwehadthesametattoo,either.
Istoodup,pullingoffmyhairbandandlettingmyhairfalluntilthetattoowasnolongervisible.ThenIwalkedout.Thatlastthinghe’dsaidhadshiftedsomethinginsideme,asifheknewthemeaningbehindthattattoo,asifheunderstood…
Iwenttothebackyard.Therewasabeautifulviewofthesea,andthesaltbreezewaswarmandfragrant.Icouldn’tdenyit:IlovedtheviewandhavingthewatersoclosenowthatIlivedhere.
Iwalkedovertothewoodendeckchairsnexttothepool,whichwasrectangularwithafountaininthecornerbythegardenthatgaveitanexoticbuteleganttouch.Nexttothecliff,totheleftofthegarden,wasajacuzzilocatedstrategicallybetweentwoenormousrockstoprovideabeautifulviewoftheproperty.
DecidingIwouldtrytoenjoyit,Itookoffmydress,makingsuretherewasnobodyaround,andlaybackthinkingIwouldsoakupsomeraysandtrytogetanicetaninthenextweek.Ihadtotakeadvantageofwhatwasleftofthesummervacationbecauseinamonth,I’dbestartingclassesatmynewandextremelyexpensiveschool.IgrabbedmyphoneandlookedtoseeifIhadanymissedcallsfrommyfriendsor,moreimportantly,frommyboyfriendDan.
Nothing.
Thatstung,butIdidn’tletitgettome.He’dcall,Iwassureofit.WhenItoldhimIhadtoleave,heflippedout.We’dbeengoingoutforninemonths,andhewasmyfirstrealboyfriend.Ilovedhim,IknewIlovedhimbecausehehadneverjudgedme,he’dbeentherewhenIneededhim…andplus,hewashot.Whenwestarted,Icouldhardlycontainmyself,Iwasthehappiestteenagerontheplanet.AndthenIhadtorunofftoanothercountry.
Itextedhim:
I’mhereandImissyou,IwishIwaswithyou,callmewhenyougetthis.
Ilookedatthemessage.Hehadlastbeenonlinethirtyminutesbefore.Isighed,laidmyphoneonthechair,andwenttothepool.
Thewaterwastheperfecttemperature,soIstretchedout,raisedmyhands,anddovein.Itwasliberatingandrefreshingatthesametime.Iswam,enjoyingjustlettingthetensiongoandgettingsomeexercise.
Fifteenminuteslater,Igotoutandlaybackinthedeckchair,lettingthesunworkitsmagic.IgrabbedthephonetoseeifanyonehadansweredandsawthatDanwasconnectedbuthehadn’twritten.Thatmademefrown.
Justthen,Bethwrote,gossipyasever.
Hey,babe,what’sup?Talktome.
Ismiledandresponded,alittlenostalgic:
Well,mystepbrotherisworsethanIcouldimaginebutI’mtryingtogetusedtotheideathatI’llhavetolivewithhim.Youcan’timaginehowbadIwanttobewithyouall.Imissyou!
IhadaknotinmythroatasIwroteher.BethandIwereonthesamevolleyballteam.Ihadbeencaptainthepasttwoyears.NowthatIwasgone,she’dtakenover.Shewashappy,andthatmademehappy,too.Atleastshecouldgetsomethinggoodoutofmyleaving…evenifshe’dnevertoldmeshe’dwantedtobeteamcaptain.
You’reprobablyexaggerating!Enjoyyournewlifeasamillionaire.LikeIalwayssaid:yourmomknowshowtopickthem!Hahaha.
Ihatedthatremark.Shehadtoldmethatmorethanonce.Icouldn’tstandpeoplethinkingmymomhadmarriedformoney.Shewasn’tlikethat,shewasanythingbut—shelikedsimplestuff,thesamewayIdid.She’dmarriedWilliambecauseshereallywasinlovewithhim.
Idecidednottosayanythingaboutit.Ididn’twanttoargue,especiallywhenshewasthousandsofmilesaway.
Thenshesentmeaphoto.
ItwasherandDanwithflushedfacesandtheirarmscrossed.Danwasblondwithbrowneyes—aspectacletobehold.Ithurtmetoseehimsohappy.Ithadn’tevenbeenforty-eighthourssinceIleft.Hecouldbealittlesadder,no?Icouldn’thelpbutaskher:
Areyouwithhimrightnow?
Herresponsetookawhiletocome,andthatalarmedme.
Yeah,we’reatRose’shouse.I’lltellhimtogetintouchwithyousoon.
SincewhendidIneedBethtotellmyboyfriendtoanswermytexts?
Aminutelater,amessagewithasmileyemojicameinfromDan:
Hey,babe,missmeyet?
Hellyes,Idid!Iwantedtoshout,butIrestrainedmyselfandanswered,moodworsening:
Why,youdon’t?
Ittookhimafewsecondstorespond.Ihatedhimdillydallying.
OfcourseIdo.It’snotthesamewithoutyou.ButI’vegottogo.I’llcalllater,OK?Iloveyou.
AthousandbutterfliesflickedaroundinmystomachwhenIreadthat.Itextedhimgoodbyeandsetmyphoneaside.
Icouldn’twaittotalktohim,hearhisvoice.Icouldn’tfigureoutwhatonearthtodotokeepfrommissinghimeverysecondoftheday.
Iheardvoicescomingovertothegarden.Iturnedquickly,grabbedmydress,andthrewitovermyhead.
ItwasNickwiththreeotherguys.
Shit.
I’dseenthemallthedaybeforeattheparty.Onewastan,almostastallasNick,withgolden-blondhairandblueeyes.Onewasshorterincomparisonwithablackeye.Thatdidn’tsurpriseme.I’dseenNickinactionandcouldassumehisfriendswerejustasviolentandreckless.Thelastonereallycaughtmyeye,probablybecausehewasthefirstonetowalkstraighttowardme.Hishairwasdarkbrownandhiseyesblackasnight.Hewasvery,veryintimidating,especiallywiththetattooscoveringhisarms.
“Hey,good-looking…didyoujustclimboutofmyfantasiesandshowuphere?”heasked,lyinginthedeckchairnexttome.
Nickfloppeddownontheother,grinning.
“Excuseme?”Iasked,sittingup.
HelaughedandlookedatNick.
“Youwereright,she’saliveone,”hesaid,makingmeuncomfortable.
Hewasdisgusting.Theothertwoguysjumpedinthepoolandsplashedwatereverywhere.Thewatermademydressclingtomybody.
“Careful,assholes!”Nickshouted,grabbingmytowelandusingittodryoff.
“Youguyscankeepsplashinginthisdirection,”goonnumberthreesaid,gawkingatmybreasts,nowclearlyvisiblethroughmysoakeddress.“You’reonehellofacatchforafifteen-year-old.”
“I’mseventeen,andifyoukeeplookingatmelikethat,I’lltakeacertainpartofyouranatomyanddoseriousdamagetoit,”Isaid,pullingthedressawayfrommytorso.
Nicholasthewthetowelbacktome,andIcoveredup.
“Dropit,dude,”hesaid.“OtherwiseI’mgonnahavetothrowherinthewatertogethertoshutup,andI’dratherjuststayherewhereIam.”
“Excuseme?”Isaid,chuckling.Nickwasinhisbathingsuit,andIhadaspectacularviewofhisbarechestandhistattoos.
HetookoffhisRay-Bansandstaredatmewithhisblueeyes.Theylookedremarkableunderthesun,andforafewmoments,Iwasthrownoff.
“Youdon’tthinkIforgotyouhittingmelastnight,doyou?”Ilookeddownatmyknuckles,whichstillached.Hisjawwasn’tevenslightlybruised.
“Areyouthreateningme?”Iasked.Hewasgettingthebetterofme.
“Nick,Ilovethischick.Sheneedstocomeoutwithusmoreoften,”thetattooedguysaidbeforehegotupanddoveintothepool.
“Listen,Freckles,youcan’tjusttalktomehoweveryoulike,”hewarnedme.“Seethoseguys?Theyrespectme,youknowwhy?BecausetheyknowIcouldputthemontheirassatthedropofahat.Sobecarefulhowyoutalktome,givememydistance,andeverythingwillbefine.”
Ashespoke,IthoughttomyselfhowIcouldbestrespond.
“Funnyhowyouthinkyou’retheonewhocanthreatenmewhenIcouldratyououttoyourdadwheneverIfeltlikeit,”Isaid.
Heclenchedhisteeth.Ismiled.Noahone,Nickzero.
“Youdon’twanttoplaythisgamewithme,Noah,believeme.”
Needingtodosomethingwithmyhands,Ibentovertograbsomesuntanlotion.“Thenyou’dbetterstophopingItreatyouwitharespectyou’relight-yearsawayfromdeserving.Youdon’twantmetospillthebeansaboutlastnight?Thendropthelittleremarksandtellyourboyfriendstoleavemealone.”
Beforehecouldrespond,oneofthegoonsgotoutofthepoolandsatdownbesideme.Waterfromhisbodydrippedalloverme,andIjerkedaway,irritated.
“Youwantsomehelpwiththat,babe?Icouldrubitonyourback.”
“Beatit,Hugo.MylittlesisterandIarehavinganimportantconversation,”Nickorderedhim.
Hugogotbackupwithoutaneedtohearittwice.Good.
“Arewehangingouttonight?”Hugoasked.Nicknodded.“Stakesarehigh,bro,weneedtowintheseracesnomatterwhat.”
Nick’seyesshotarrowsathim.Interesting.
DidIjusthearthewordraces?
“Isaidleave.”
Hugolookedbewilderedforamomentbeforeglancingatmeandseemingtorealizehe’dsaidtoomuch.
Whenheandtherestofhisfriendsleft,Iturnedaroundandlookedatmystepbrother.
“Races?”
Nickputhisglassesbackonandstretchedoutinthedirectionofthesun.
“Don’taskquestionsifyoudon’twantanswers.”
Ibitmylip,intrigued,butstill,Iwasn’tgoingtopresshim.WhateverNicholasLeisterwaswrappedupincouldn’tinterestmeless.
OrsoIthought.
Thatafternoon,Idecidedtospendsometimewithmymom.William’scompanywashavingagalathatnight,andshe’dtoldmeweneededtogoasafamily.Iwasn’tparticularlyexcitedaboutit,butIknewtherewasnogettingoutofit:Williamhadbeenworkingontheeventformonths,andwewereexpectedtobethere.
Ifoundmyselfsittingonasofainmymother’sdressingroom.Herbedroomwasevenmorelavishthanmine.DecoratedincreamtoneswithaCaliforniakingbed,itlookedlikealuxuryhotelroomandhadtwowalk-inclosets.I’dneverthoughtapersonneededevenone,butwhenIsawthehundredsofshirts,ties,andsuitsWilliamhad,Iunderstood.
Thatnightwouldbeimportantformymother.Obviously,manyclosefriendsandimportantindustryheadsandlawpeoplewouldbethere,notallofwhomhadhadthehonorofmeetingmymotherinperson.Shewassonervousthatitwasfunny
“Mom,you’regoingtolookgorgeousnomatterwhatyouwear.Whydon’tyoujustrelax?”
Shelookedatmewitharadiantsmile.Itwaswonderful,seeinghersohappy.
“Thanks,Noah,”shesaid,holdingupawhite-and-greendressformetosee.“Sothisone?”
Inodded,thinkingaboutwhattheeveninghadinstore.IfNicholaswasgoingtotakeoffagaintogetintrouble,thenIwouldbefreetodothesame—orsoItoldmyself,bywayofconsolation.
“Yourdressismarvelous,too,”mymothersaid,andinmymind,Isawitagain.“Honey,don’tmakefaces,you’renotgoingtodiejustbecauseyoudressupalittleforoneday.”
“Sorry,”Isaid.Mymoodhadbeenlikearollercoasterlately.“It’sjustthatgoingtodinnerandagalaisn’texactlywhatI’minthemoodfor.”
“It’llbefun,Ipromise,”shesaid,tryingtocheermeup.
IthoughtofDan,ofhowmuchhewouldhavelikedtoseemeinthedressIhadonthatnight.WhatwasthepointofgettingallprettyifnooneIcaredaboutwasgoingtonoticeme?
“I’msure,”Isaid,tryingtoputahappyface.“IguessIshouldgogetready.”
Mymotherdroppedwhatshewasdoingandcameover.
“Thanksfordoingthisforme,dear.Itmeansalot.”
Inodded,tryingtosmile.
“Noworries,”Ireplied,lettingherwrapherarmsaroundme.IrealizedhowmuchIneededthatcontact,especiallyafterwhathadhappenedthenightbefore.Iheldhertight,andforafewmoments,everythingfeltjustasithadwhenIwaslittle.8Nick
IwasgoingtoneedtokeepmyeyeonNoah.Thingscouldhavegonebadthenightbeforeifmydadhadfoundoutwhatwewereupto.Iwasworriedabouthowtokeepmyprivatelifehiddennowthatthereweremorethantwopeopleinthehouse.Ididn’tletmytwoworldsmix.Iwascarefulaboutthat—Ineededtobe.
Sameaseveryyear,wewerehavingracesinthedesert,andthatday,I’dneedtobethere.Theywerecrazy:rockmusic,drugs,expensivecars,andracesuntilthesuncameuporthecopscame,buttheyalmostneverbotheredus,sinceitallhappenedinthemiddleofnowhere.Thegirlswerewild,everyonedrank,andadrenalinewastheperfectextraingredienttomakeitthebestnightofyourlife—aslongasyouweren’ttheloser.
Ronnie’sgangalwayscompetedagainstus.Whoeverwongottokeeptheloser’scar,plusallthecashfromthebets.Itwasdangerous,Iknewthatfirsthand,andforthatreason,everyonetrustedmewhenitgotdowntothewire.RonnieandIhadafriendlydeal,butitcouldbebrokenaseasilyastearingupasheetofpaper,andthatnightIhadtobeonguard,nottomentionwin.
Noahwouldneedtokeephermouthshut,soIstoppedatherdoorbeforeitwastimetoheadtothehotelwherethegalawashappening.
Iknockedthreetimesandwaitedalmostaminutebeforeshecameout.
“Whatdoyouwant?”shegrunted.
Iwalkedpastherintoherroom.Beforemyfatherhadmarriedhermother,ithadbeenmine.
“Youknowthisusedtobemygym?”Isaid,walkingovertoherbed.
“Ohno,thepoorlittlerichboyhadtogiveuphismachines,”shejoked.
Istaredather,meaningtointimidateher,butasmyeyestracedoutthelinesofherbody,Icouldn’thelpbutadmireit.Myfriendswereright,shewashot,andIdidn’tknowifthatwasgoodorbad,givenmysituation.
Herhairwasdoneupelaborately,pulledbackinabunwithcurlsframingherface.Itlookedelegantandeasygoingatthesametime.Whatsurprisedmethemost,apartfromthelight-bluedressthathungtoherfeetandleftlittletotheimagination,washermakeup:herskinlookedlikealabasterandhereyesliketwobottomlesswells.Ididn’tusuallylikechickswithabunchofmakeupon,butIhadtoadmit,thoselongeyelashesmademewanttoreachoutandtouchthem,andthoselips—thatcarminecolorcouldmakeanymanlosehismind.
Itriedtorestraintheunexpecteddesirethatovertookmeandmadethefirstnastyremarkthatcameintomyhead.
“Whodidthepaintjob?”Iasked.IcouldtellithadgottenunderherskinwhenIsawthebloodriseinhercheeks.
“Ididitsoyou’dkeepyoureyesoffme,”shesaid,turningaroundandgrabbinganecklaceoffhernightstand.Icouldseeherbarebackandthesilkofthedresslikeawaterfall.
Withoutevenrealizingit,Iwalkedover.Myfingerswereachingtofeelthatskinthatlookedsosoft…
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked.
Seeingherupclose,Inoticedthatnotasinglefrecklewasvisible.
ItookthenecklaceoutofherhandsandlifteditupasifIweregoingtohelpher.Butsheclearlydidn’ttrustme.
“Comeon,littlesister,amIthatbadaguy?”Iaskedher,askingmyselfatthesametimewhatthehellIwasdoing.
“You’retheworst,”shesaid,snatchingitback.WhenIfeltherskingrazemine,myhairstooduponend.
Dammit!
Isteppedback,frustratedatthefeelingsshewascausing.Mydesirewastakingover,anditwaskillingmetothinkthatnotonlycouldInottouchher,Icouldbarelyevenlookather.
“Icametomakesureyouwon’tmouthofftonight,”Isaidassheputonhernecklacedeftly.
“Mouthoffaboutwhat?”
Iwascloseenoughtosmellherperfume,whichwasalmostintoxicating.
“YouknowI’vegotthingstodoafterthegala,andIdon’twantyoumakinganysmartcommentswhenItellmyfatherI’vegottogo.”
“Oh,becauseyou’llhavetoworkonthecase,amIright?”
Igrinned.
“Yougotit.Perfect.Seeyouaround,sister.”
“Notsofast,Nicholas.”IstoppedafewfeetfromthedoorandfrozeasInoticedthattickleinmystomachwhenshesaidmynamealoud.“WhatdoIgetoutofallthis?”
WhenIturnedback,shehadasmug,almostheart-shapedsmileonherface.
“WhatyougetisIwon’twastemytimetryingtomakeyourlifealivinghell.”
Noahraisedaneyebrow.
“Idon’tseehowyoucoulddothat.”
“Trustme,youdon’twanttofindout,either.”
“Ifyouleavethegala,you’retakingmewithyou.There’snothingthatappealstomelessthanbeingsurroundedbypeopleIdon’tknowatsomeoneelse’sparty.”
“Sorry,Freckles,butasyoumighthaverealized,taxidriver’snotajobIaspireto.”AsIsaidthis,Ipointedatmydesigneroutfit.
“Well,findanexcusethatincludesbothofusbecauseI’mnotgoingtoplaytheperfectdaughterwhileyoutakeoffforyoursecretillegalraces.”
Shit.Justhearinghersayitmademenervous.
“Fine,IguessIcanmakesomethingup,”Isaid,justtoputheroff.Whenthetimecameformetoleave,shewouldn’tevennotice.
“It’samazinghowyou’vemanagedtodupeeveryone,”shesaid.“Youknowmymotherthinksyou’retheperfectson?”
“Iamperfectinlotsofways,babe.”Icouldn’thelpit—Iwasenjoyingtheconversation.Arguingwiththisgirlwashighlystimulating.“Wheneveryoufeellikeit,I’llshowyou.”
Shelookedatmeself-righteously.NormallyIcouldn’tbeatthegirlsoffwithastick.Justonelookandtheywerealluponmedoingwhatevertheycouldtopleaseme.Ihadarep:womenrespectedmeandadoredmeatthesametime.Igavethempleasure,andtheygavememyspace.IthadalwaysbeenlikethatsinceIwasfourteenandlearnedwhatahandsomefaceandagoodbodycouldmakeawomando.ButtherewasNoah,staringmedownateverysecond,completelyunperturbedbymypresence.
“Isthatwhatyoutellgirlstogetthemintobed?”sheasked.“Well,withme,it’snotgoingtowork,sosaveyourstrength.”WhenIabsorbedherwords,Icouldfeelanuncomfortablepressureinmypants.
IimaginedtearingoffherdressanddoingallthethingstoherthatIknewdrovewomenwild.Itwouldbefun,drivingNoahwilduntilshecouldn’tstopshoutingmyname.
Dammit.
“Don’tworryaboutthat.Ilikewomen,notgirlswithpigtailsandfreckles.”
“Ineverwearpigtails,dumbass.”
Ilaughedandtriedtorelax.NowIdidwanttoseeherinpigtails!
“Well,Iguesswe’vegotadeal,”Isaid,thinkingitwastimeformetogo.
“Iguessyouthinkcominginhereandtellingmewhattodoisadeal?”
“Yougotit,littlesister.Byenow.”
Hereyeswereice-cold.Iwalkedoff,notbotheringtolookback,butonceoutside,Ileanedagainstthewall.I’dneverletmyselfgetthatoutofcontrol.Shit.Ifelt…exposed,likeathirteen-year-oldboy.
Itookoutmyphoneandtriedtoclearmyhead.
I’llcomebyyourplacebeforetheparty.
Iwalkeddownthehalltothesteps.
Ineededtoblowoffsomesteambeforethenightarrived,andwithAnnawasthebestwaytodoit.
Twentyminuteslater,Iwasatherdoor.Annawastheperfectcover-upforwhatwouldbehappeningthatnight.ShewasthedaughterofoneofthemostimportantbankersinLosAngeles,andourfathershadknowneachothersincecollege.Annahadgrownuptorturingmeasshematured,andIhadthrownmyselfatherfeetwhenIwasakidandhadnoideahowtotreatawoman.
We’dlearnedtogether,andwebothknewwhattheotherliked.Plus,shenevergotoutoflineandneveraskedforexplanations.
Whenshecameandopenedthedoor,Idraggedherofftoherroom.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheaskedwhenIlockedthedoorandwrappedmyarmsaroundher.
“It’scalledfucking.Youmighthaveheardofit,”IrespondedasIthrewheronthebed.
Shesmiledandpulledherdressupprovocatively.UnlikeNoah,sheworeherhairdown,andherdresswassoshortIdidn’thavetoworkhardtogettowhatIwasinterestedin.
“We’llbelate,”shecomplained,bringingherfaceclosetomineandkissingmeonthemouth.
“YouknowIdon’tgiveashit,”Isaid,takinghertoecstasyjustasIfoundthecalmI’dneededeversincethatwitchwithfreckleshadfirstcomeintomylife.
Fifteenminuteslater,IwasadjustingmytieandlightingacigaretteonAnna’sbalcony.
Shewalkedupbesideme,herdressnowbackinplace,haircombed,lipsswollenfromkissing.
“HowdoIlook?”shesaid,pressingherbodyintomine.
Iexaminedher.Shewashot.Herbodywashot.Herhairwasdarkbrown,justlikehereyes.I’dnevergottenwhyAnnadidn’thavearealboyfriend—shecouldhavehadanyoneshewanted,andyetthereshewas,wastingtimewithaguylikeme.
“Great,”Isaid,steppingaway.Ineededafewsecondstorelax,finishmysmoke,andvisualizehowthisnightwasgoingtogo.
“AreyounervousaboutRonnie?”sheasked,leaningagainsttherailing.SheknewIneededmyspace,myalonetime.ThatwaswhyIkeptgoingbacktoher.
Itookadragandexpelledthesmokeslowly.
“Nah,I’mnotnervous.”Irritatedwasmorelikeit.
“Isityourstepmother?”Sheknewaboutmyfather’snewmarriageandhowmuchthesituationbotheredmedespitemyattemptstocoveritup.
“Herdaughter,”Isaid,stubbingthecigaretteoutonthesoleofmyshoe.“Shedoesn’tknowwhoIamorwhatI’mcapableof,”Icontinued.
“Youwantmetomakeitcleartoher?”sheasked,andjustimaginingNoahandAnnafacingoffwasbothhilariousandupsetting.
“No.Ijustneedhertokeephermouthclosedandstayoutofmybusiness.”
“Youdon’twanttotakeherdowntheroadtoperdition?”Annaasked.Forasecond,Ithought,Yes,Ido.
“Bettertokeepherawayfromit.Idon’twanthergivingmemoreproblemslikeshedidlastnight.”
ThewindshookAnna’shairawayfromherneck.Iwalkedovertoherandpusheditbehindherear.Andthenmybrainlookedforsomethingthatwasn’tthere—thattattoo,theknot,wasn’tthere,andjustthen,thattattoowastheonlythingIwantedtokiss.
Ilethergo,eventhoughsheclearlywantedmore.
“Let’sgo,”Isaid.“We’regoingtobelate.”
“Thoughtyoudidn’tcare.”Anna’sirritationwasevident.
“Rightyouare,”Isaid,alittleconfusedmyself.9Noah
AssoonasNickleft,Isatonmybedtocatchmybreath.Races…Thatwasmyweakspotallright.ItwasoneofthefewthingsI’dinheritedfrommyfather,oneofthefewthingsIhadenjoyeddoingwithhim.IrememberedsittingonthefloorathisfeetwatchingNASCARonTV.Myfatherhadbeenoneofthebestdriversofhisgeneration,untileverythingwentbad.
Icouldseemymother’sfacewhensheforbidmefromeverreturningtothatworld—fastcars,races.Atjusttenyearsold,I’dknowneverythingtherewastoknowaboutdriving,andwhenmylegswerelongenoughtoreachthepedals,myfatherhadletmedrivewithhim.Itwasoneofthemostincredibleexperiencesofmylife.Icouldstillremembertheeuphoriaofpurespeed,thesandclingingtothewindshield,gettinginthecar,thesquealofthetires—aboveall,thepeaceofminditgaveme.Racingmeantnothingelsemattered.Wewerealone,thecarandme.Nooneelse.
Butthatwasthen.Mymotherhadsincetoldmeinnouncertaintermstostayawayfromracing,andIhadtoacceptthat,regardlessofhowmuchImissedit.
Isighed,gotup,andgrabbedmyphone,whichwouldn’tstopvibrating.Myfriendsdidn’tseemtomissme.Theyweregoingtoanotherpartythatnight,andtheydidn’tseemtorealizeIwasstillinthegroupchat,abletoreadallthedetailsaboutwhoandwhereandhowmucheverybodywasplanningtodrink.
Iwassadbutalsoirritated.Danstillhadn’tcalledme.Iwaslongingtohearhisvoice,totalkthewaywe’dtalkedbeforeIleft,forhoursandhours.Whywouldn’thecallme?Hadheforgottenaboutme?
Withthesethoughts,IleftmyroomandfoundmymotherandWillinthevestibule.HewaswearingatuxandlookedlikeaHollywoodactorwithhiselegantbearing,which,sadly,hissonhadinherited.IhadtoadmitthatwhenI’dseenNickinhisblacksuitandwhiteshirt,ithadbeenhardnottostareorsnapaphoto.Hewasbeyondhandsome,butthatwastheonlypositivethingabouthim.Therace,though,thathadsurprisedme.Sowehadmoreincommonthanjustatattoo.
Mymotherwasdazzling.Alleyeswouldbeonherthatnightandrightlyso.
“Noah,you’regorgeous,”shesaid,beaming,butwhatever,shewasmymom,Iwouldalwaysbeprettytoher.
Willlookedmeoverandfurrowedhisbrow,makingmeimmediatelyuncomfortable.
“Issomethingup?”Iasked,surprisedandannoyed.Surelyhewasn’tgoingtotellmetocoverup.Onethingwouldbeifitwasmethinkingit,buthim?Ididn’tknowwhatI’dsayback.Butthenhisfacerelaxed.
“Aucontraire,youlookstunning!”
“Justonelittletouch-up,”mymothersaid,diggingthroughherbag,pullingoutasmallbottle,andsprayingmybareshouldersandneckline.“Nowyou’llmakeanevenbetterimpression.”
Whatever.MymotherthoughtIwasstillalittlegirlinpigtails,asNicholasputit.
Wewentoutside,whereasparklinglimousinewaswaitingforus.Iwassurprisedbutatthesametimefedup.Idon’tknowwhyitsurprisedme—whatelseshouldIexpect?—butstill,Icouldn’tgetusedtothisfancylifestyle.
Willandmymompouredthemselvesglassesofchampagneand,tomysurprise,offeredmeone,whichIacceptedwithpleasure,drankinonegulp,andrefilledbeforetheycouldrealizeit.IfIwantedtogetthroughthenight,thosewouldn’tbethelastonesIhad.
Nicholashadalreadyleft.Ienviedhisfreedomtocomeandgoanddoashepleased.IwouldhavetogetajobsoonifIexpectedtohaveacar.NowayIwasgoingtodependonanyoneelsetogetwhereIneededtogo.
ItookmyphoneoutofmyclutchandsawthatDanhadn’tcalledmeandtherewerenomessagesformeinourgroupchat.Itookafewdeepbreathsandtoldmyselfhe’dcall.He’dprobablylosthisphoneorsomethingelsehadkepthimfromjusthittingthedamnbuttonandtalkingtome.
Thatcloudedmymoodaswereachedthehotel.Tomysurprise,abunchofphotographersweretherewaitingtoimmortalizethemomentwhenWilliamLeisterwouldexpandhiscompanyandwithithisfortune.IfeltsooutofplacethatIwouldhavetakenoffrunningifIwasn’twearingthosedamnedhighheels.
“Nicholasshouldbeherealready,”Williamsaid.Hisattitudewasserious.“Heknowsthefamilyphotoscomeatthebeginningofthedinner.”ThiswasthefirsttimesinceI’dmetWillthatI’dseenhimactuallyangry.
Wewaitedfortenminutesinthelimowhilepeopleshoutedforustocomeoutsotheycouldgetapicture.Itwasridiculoustostayhuddledinthere,butIguessedmillionairesdidn’tmindmakingdozensofphotographerswaitfortheirdamnedsnapshot.
Thentherewasacommotion,andthephotographersturnedawayandstartedshoutingmystepbrother’sname.
“He’shere!”Williamshouted,irritatedbutalsorelieved.“Comeon,honey,”hetoldmymotherandopenedthedoor.
AssoonasIgotout,Icouldseethephotographers’flashespracticallyblindingNickandhisdate.Theylookedlikerealmoviestars,andtheywerebeingtreatedliketheywere,too.
Howcouldsomanypeopleknowhisname?
Oureyesmet.Ilookedathimwithindifferencedespitehowhandsomehewas,andhescowledatmebeforeturningbacktohisgirlfriendorfriendwithbenefitsorwhateverthehellshewas.Hekissedheronthelips,andthephotographerswentwild.
Whentheyseparated,thepeopleshoutedformore.
“Anna,howareyou?”WillgreetedNicholas’sdate.Hewasclearlylivid.“Ifyoudon’tmind,weneedtotakesomefamilyphotos,butwe’llbebackwithyouinafewminutes.”Whatagentlewayofgettingsomeoneoffyourback!
Annaeyedmeup.Icouldtellshehatedme,probablyforallthetrashNicholashadtalked.AndIhadn’tevenhadthepleasureofgettingtoknowher.Iignoredherandwentovertomymothersowecouldtakethedamnedphotosandgetthemoverwith.WestoodinfrontofabackdropwithadsforGodknowswhat,andtheflashesblindedmeforasecond.
WhenmymotherhadmarriedoneofthemostimportantlawyersandbusinessmenintheUnitedStates,Ihadn’tbeensurprisedtohearshe’dsometimespoppedupinthepapersormagazines,butthiswastotallycrazy.LeisterEnterprises:thatwasthelogoyousaweverywhere.Ievensawactualstars.IfreakedoutwhenIspiedJohanaMavisinonecornerinadressthatwasoutofthisworld.
“Tellmethatisn’tmyfavoritewriter,”Isaid,grabbingthepersonnexttome,whomIthoughtwasmymother.Butwhenmyfingerstouchedthatforearm,Irealizeditwastoohardtobehers.
“Youwantmetointroduceyou?”heasked,andIlookedupathim,immediatelyretractingmyhand.
“Youknowher?”Icouldn’tbelieveit.
“Yeah,”hesaidlikeitwasnobigdeal.“Myfather’sfirmhandlesalotofHollywoodbigshots’cases.FromthetimeIwasakid,I’veknownmorestarsthanprobablyanyoneelseinLA.Famouspeoplelikelawyers—theyneedthemtostayoutofjail.You’dbesurprisedhowmuchithappens.”
Itookaglassofchampagnefromapassingwaiterwithanervousfeelinginmystomach.
“Whataboutyourgirlfriend?”Iaskedtodistractmyself.“Youdidn’tjustleaveheraloneafterthatpublicdisplayofaffection,didyou?”
“Doyouwanttheintroornot?”heasked.
“Youdon’tneedtoask.It’sobviousthatIdo.I’vebeenafanofJohanaforaslongasIcanremember.Shewrotethebestbooksofalltime,”Isaid.Hisattitudeamusedme.Somewayhehadofdoingsomeoneafavor!
“Comeon,then,anddon’tstartshriekinglikeababy,please.”
OhGod…JohanasmiledwidewhenshesawNickcomingovertosayhi.
“Nick,youlookamazing!”shesaid,givinghimahug.Iwasfreakingoutbefore.NowIwascompletelygaga.
“Thanks.You’restunningasalways.HaveyouseenDad?”heasked.IanalyzedeachofJohana’smovementsandengravedtheminmymemory.WhatIwouldn’thavegiventohaveacamerajustthen.
“Yeah,Icongratulatedhim,”shelaughed.“Weneedmorelawyerslikehim.”
Whenthechitchatwasover,Nicholasturnedtome.
“Johana,I’dliketointroduceyoutoyournumberonefan:mystepsisterNoah.IcallherFreckles,though,”hesaid.Hewaslaughing,butinthatmoment,Icouldn’tcareless.
“You’rethegreatest.Iabsolutelyloveyourbooks,”Isaid,myvoicecracking.Amazing.Allthoseyearspracticingthesephrasesinmymindtowindupsayingthemostclichéthingever.
Nicholastriednottosmirk,butIcouldseethesarcasminhiseyes.
“Thanks,”shesaidandthenhuggedme.Shehuggedme!
“Youwantaphoto?”sheasked,grabbingmeandpullingmeovernexttoher.
“Man,Idon’thaveacamera,”Isaid.
“Jesus,Noah.WhydoyouthinkGodinventedcellphones?”saidNicholas.
Ismiled,realizinghowflummoxedImustbe.
Johanaputherarmovermyshoulders,NickaimedhisiPhone,andthegreatestmomentofmylifewasthusimmortalized.
“Thankyousomuch,”Isaid,stillamazedIwasactuallylookingather.
“Noproblem,sweetie,”shesaidbeforesmilingandwalkingoffwithafriend.
“Youowemeone,littlesister,”Nicksaid,slippinghisphoneinhispocketbeforeleaninginandcontinuinginawhisper,“andthatmeanskeepingyourmouthshut.”
Ifeltashivergoupmyspinewhenhishotbreathtouchedmyneck.Ididn’tcarewhatIwasgettingmyselfintoanymore.Icouldn’tstopsmiling.
Thatwas,untilmyphonebuzzed.Iopenedmymessages,expectingtoseemyphotowithJohana.Andthatwaswheneverythingcamecrashingdown.Myheartstopped,myhandsstartedtoshake,andIfelthotallover.Itcouldn’tbe.
Itwasaphotoallright—aphotoofDanmakingoutwithagirl.AgirlIknewbetterthanIknewmyself.
“Ican’tbelieveit,”Isaidundermybreath.Ihadaknotinmythroat,andifI’dwantedto,Icouldhaveshedseveralyears’worthoftearsI’dkeptbottledupinside.
“What’sup?”Iheard.IrealizedNickwasthere,andhemusthaveseenthephotoflashacrossmyscreen.
Mybreathingspedup;Ifeltbetrayed,hurt,deceived.Ihadtogetoutofthere.
Ipressedmyphoneintohischestandexitedthroughadoortotheleft.Ineededfreshair.Ineededtobealone.
Iwentintothebathroomandwalkedovertothemirror,leaningonthecounter,lookingatmyfeet.
Takeiteasy…takeiteasy…don’tbreakdown,notnow,don’tcry,theydon’tdeserveit…
Ilookedupatmyreflection.Whatwasitthathurtmore?ThatthefirstguyI’deverlovedhadcheatedonmeorthathehaddonesowithmybestfriend?
Beth…Beth!
Iwantedtoshout,tohitsomeone;Ineededtodosomethingwithallthatbuilt-uprage;Ineededtodosomethingtokeepfrombreakingintoamillionpieces.Rightwhenmywholelifehadbeenturnedupsidedown,whenIwastotallyaloneinanewcitywithnofriends,withnooneatall,wherenooneevencaredwhoIwas.
Sonofa…Itookafewdeepbreathstocalmdown.They’dsoonlearnwhatIwascapableof
OnceIhadmyselfundercontrol,Ireturnedtothehall,whereeveryonewaseatingcanapésandblabbingpleasantlyaboutnonsense.NooneknewhowmuchpainIwasfeelingjustthen,howbadIwantedtoshoutatallthosesuperficialpeoplethattheyhadnoideawhatitmeanttoactuallysuffer,andIwantedtoshoveallthoseglassesofchampagneontothegroundandwatchthembreak.
Champagne…goodidea.Iwentstraighttothebar.
Aguy,Mexicanmaybe,wasservingcocktails,andheturnedtomeashewipedhishandswithadamptowel.
“WhatcanIofferyou,ma’am?”heasked.
Ilaughedandsaid,“I’mseventeenyearsold,andyoucan’tbemucholder,sodon’ttalktomelikeI’moneofthesebougiebitcheswithaface-lift,”Isaid.Tomysurprise,hestartedcrackingup.
“Youwouldn’tsaythatifyoudidn’tknowyourwayaroundhere,”hesaid,lookingatallthemultimillionaireslaughingitupbehindme.
“Please,don’teveninsinuatethatI’vegotanythingincommonwiththesepeople.I’mherebecausemydumbasscrazymotherdecidedtomarryWilliamLeister,notbecausethisisparadiseforme,”Isaid,drainingtheglassofchampagneandhandingitbacktothebartendertorefillit.
“Waitasecond,”hesaid,lookingbehindhimandthenbackatme.“You’reNickLeister’sstepsister?”
DearGod,notanotherofthatdickhead’sfriends,please.
“Iam,”Isaid,impatienttogetservedagainanddrownmymiseries.
“Ifeelsorryforyou,”heconfessed,finallypouringthechampagne.Mymoodwasgettingalittlebetter.AnyonewhohatedNickautomaticallyhadaplaceonthelistofmyfavoritepeopleintheworld.
“Whatdoyouknowhimfrom,apartfromhisunquestionedreputationasastuck-upasshole?”
“Idon’tthinkyouwanttoknow,”hesaid,refillingmyglassasecondtimewithoutneedingtobeasked.
Atthatrate,I’dbedrunkbeforemidnight.
“Ifyou’retalkingabouttheraces,Ialreadyknow,”Isaid,realizinghowmuchIwantedtogetoutofhere.WasIreallygoingtositinthatroomfullofpeopleIdidn’tknowbuthatedwithallmysoul?WasIgoingtostayawayfromthethingIlovedthemostjustbecausemymomhadaskedmeto?Hadsheaskedmewhenshe’ddecidedtoturnourlivesupsidedown?IfIhadn’tleft,I’dstillhaveaboyfriendandabestfriend—ormaybeI’dhadtoleavetofindoutthetruth.
“I’mgoingtotheraces,andyou’retakingme,”Isaid,andIfeltthattingleinmybodyIgotwhenIwasdoingsomethingbad—somethingrisky,somethingliberating,somethingthattoldmeIwasn’tgoingtobethegoodlittlegirleveryoneexpectedmetobe.
ThatnightIwoulddowhateverthehellIwanted,andifIgotmyrevenge,too,thenallthebetter.10Nick
Iwatchedherwalkoffandunderstoodnothing.ThenIlookedatthemessageunderthephoto.
Thisiswhathappenswhenyouleavetown.DidyoureallythinkDanwouldwaitforeverforyou?
WhothehellwasDan?AndwhowasthisbitchKaytosendamessagelikethat?
Ididn’thesitatetoopenthephotosonherphone.Thereweretonsofpicturesofherwithsomebrunettechick,thesameoneintheotherphoto,Ithought,andthensomemorewithfriends.Andoneinwhatlookedlikeheroldschool.ThereIsawwhatIwaslookingfor.
Thisso-calledDanhadNoah’sfaceinhishandsandwaskissingherandshecouldn’tstoplaughing.Iguessedshehadknownsomeonewastakingtheirpicture.Sohe’dcheatedonher.
Iturnedoffthescreenandputherphoneinmypocket.Ihadnoideawhy,butIwantedtotossitinthebottomoftheocean.SomethinggottomewhenIsawthatpictureofNoahkissinganotherguy.Isuddenlywantedtopunchanybodywhodecidedtogetinmywaythatnight.
Iwenttothetablewithacardwithmynameonit.NoahwassupposedtositononesideofmeandAnnaontheother.Acrossfrommewouldbemyfatherandhiswife.ThereweretwoothercoupleswhosenamesIcouldn’tremember,butDadhadsaidIneededtoshowthemthemostcharmingandperfectversionpossibleofWilliamLeister’soffspring.
NottwosecondsafterIsatdown,Annaappearednexttome.Icouldsmellherperfumeassoonasshedid,andIleanedovertotakeasipofthebloodredwinethathadbeenpouredintoalltheglasses.
“Where’syoursister?”sheaskedinsolently.
“She’supsetbecausesomeguycheatedonher.”
Annalaughed.Itpissedmeoff,honestly.
“It’stobeexpected.She’salittlegirl,”Annasaid,andIcouldsensethecontemptinhervoice.
IobservedherforamomentasIanalyzedherresponse.ShesureseemedtodislikeNoaheventhoughshebarelyknewher.ItwastrueshemustnothaveappreciatedNoahpunchingmeinthefacethenightbefore.
“Talktomeaboutsomethingelse.It’senoughhavingherinmyhouse,”Isaid,settingmyglassbackonthetable.
Withoutrealizingit,though,myeyeswerealreadyscanningtheroomforNoah.Mostoftheguestshadalreadysatdown,butshewasatthebarontheothersideoftheroomwaitingforthebartendertocomeover.
IstoodupwhenIsawwhoitwasandwalkedoverfirmly.IwasabsolutelynotgoingtoletMariogettoknowmynewstepsister.ButIgottheretoolate,hearingthewords“Seeyouatthedoorinfiveminutes.”
“Infiveminutes,you’llbesittinginalimousinewaitingtogobackhome,”Iinterruptedthem.
“Hellotoyou,too,Nick,”shesaid.
“Don’tbeanidiot,”Isaid.“Whatthehelldoyouthinkyou’redoing?”
Mariowaspartofmypast,andheabsolutelycouldn’tgetacquaintedwithNoah.Itwastoorisky.HeclearlyknewwhatIwasthinking,andthatwaswhyhehadn’thesitatedonesecondtosuckuptoher.
“Noteverythingconcernsyou,Nicholas,”Noahsaid,andIhadtheurgetoshutherup.“CanIhavemyphoneback?”sheasked,stretchingoutthepalmofherhand.Therewasn’tatraceofthetearsI’dseeninhereyesbefore.Nothing.Shewascoldasice.“Today,notnextyearplease.”
Shewaspushingitthatnight.Mariolaughedandraisedhishandsasiftosayhewasgivingup.
“Iwouldn’tmesswithher,”hesaid,asthoughhe’dknownherhiswholelife.
“Noah,stopplaying.Youdon’tevenknowhim,”Itoldher,tryingtoreasonwithher,whileItookthephoneoutofmypocketandslappeditdownonherhand.
“Iguessyoudo?Anyway,foryourinformation,I’mgoingtothoseracesyou’retryingsohardtokeepsecret.”
Isteppedinclose.
“Whathaveyoubeensmoking,littlegirl?YoubetterstayasfarasyoucanfromwhereI’mgoing,hearme?”
ButNoahwasn’tdaunted.
“Icangoandnotsayawordaboutwherewe’regoingtonight,orIcanstayhereandtellyourfathereverything.Yourcall.”
Goddammit!
Ididn’tgettheattitude.Mostgirls,iftheirboyfriendcheatedonthem,wouldbreakdownandrunofftocryinacornerfordays,andherreactionwastotrytogetundermyskin?
Iwastiredofallthis.Icouldn’twastemylifedealingwithher.Iturnedaroundandwentbacktomytable.MybiggestworrywasthatmyfatherwouldfindoutwhatIwasuptowhenIwasoutofthehouse.I’dalwaystriedtokeepmyprivateandfamilylivesapart,andnowIhadthismiserablelittlesnotnoseherewhonotonlydidn’tcarewhatIsaid,shehadevendecidedtogetmixedupinmybusiness.
Afterabouttwentyminutes,Istoodupandwenttothebar,wheremyfatherandhisnewwifeweredrinkingandchattingwithacoupleoffriends.Whenhesawmecomingover,hesmiled,andwhenIgotthere,heclappedmeontheback.Ihatedthat.Ineededmyspace,andthefactthathewastheoneinvadingitonlymademattersworse.
“Areyouheadedoutalready?”heasked.Therewasnoreproachinhistone.Good.ThatmeantIcouldleavewithoutanyproblems.
“Yeah,”Isaid,leavingmydrinkonabartable.“I’vegottogetupearlytomorrowtokeepworkingonthecase.”
Myfathernodded.
“Noahalreadywenthome,sodon’tworryaboutit.Youlooktired.Goonhome.”
Inodded,satisfied,andwalkedoutwithAnnaatmyside.11Noah
Mymindwascloudy.Theonlythingthatmatteredtomewaspayback.Majorpayback.IkeptthinkingoverandoveraboutDan’sandBeth’slipstouching.Itwasdisgusting.Justimaginingitmademewanttothrowup.Isaweverythinginred.Iwasblindedbyhatred,pain,andaprofoundneedforrevenge.
Iwasinmyclosettakingoffmyclothes,andontheothersideofthewallwasaboyI’djustmettwohoursagowhowaspatientlywaitingonmybedformetofinish.Icouldn’tshowupattheracesinaballgown,letaloneinstilettoheels.Iputonapairofjeanshorts,abluetanktop,andsomeordinarysandals.Youcouldn’tlooklikeaGoodyTwo-shoesinaplacelikethat,soIwashappytohaveonallthatmakeup,evenifitwasn’tmyusualthing.Ipulledthegoddamnbobbypinsoutofmyhair—Imusthavehadahundredin—letmylonghairdown,andthenpulleditbackinaponytail.
Ihadexactlyonethoughtinmyhead:hookingupwiththehottestandbaddestguythere.Thatwouldmakemefeelsatisfied,lessused,lessdeceived,andlikelessofanidiot,evenifdeepdownIknewnoneofthatcoulderasereality:Iwasdestroyedandstrugglingtoholdmyhearttogether.
HadBethtoldDaneverythingI’dconfessedtoher?HadtheylaughedatmewhileIwasstilltryingtogiveitmyallinmyfirstandonlyrelationship?Hadtheyplannedthis?
Itookadeepbreathandtriedtoswallowthepain.
WhenIsteppedout,Mario,thebartenderI’djustmet,staredatmeadmiringly,andIknewI’dachievedtheeffectIwasgoingfor.
“Youlookgood,”hesaid.Hesmiled,andIrespondedinkindbutunenthusiastically.Iwasn’tinthemoodforstupidcompliments.
“Thanks,”Isaid,grabbingmybagoffthebedandheadingforthedoor.“Shallwe?”
Mariostoodupandfollowedme,andsoon,wewereclimbingintohiscar.
Halfanhourlater,Marioturnedoffontoasecondaryroadsurroundedbydryfieldsandred-and-orangedust.Aswedroveon,Icouldnolongerhearthecarsonthefreeway.Insteaditwasjustrepetitivemusicgettinglouderandlouder.
“Youeverdonesomethinglikethisbefore?”Marioasked,onehandonthewheelandtheotherrestingonthebackofmyseat.
“I’vebeeninquiteafewraces,yeah,”Isaidinasurlytone.
Helookedoverandthenbackattheroad.ThenIsawtonsofpeopleinthedistanceandneonlightsaroundadesertedareafullofbadlyparkedcars.
Themusicwasdeafening.Thepeopletherewerebetweentwentyandthirty.Everyonewasdrinking,dancing,andpartyinglikethiswasthelastdayoftheirlives.Mariostoppedclosetowheremostofthemwereandgotout,waitingformetodothesame.
“Whatisthisplace?”Iaskedhim,andhechuckled.
“Don’tworry,thesearethespectators.Theimportantpeoplearetheonesoverthere,”hesaid,pointingtotheleft,whereabiggroupofguysandgirlswerelyingonthehoodsoffancysouped-upcarswithgod-awfulmusicblastingfromtheirtrunks.
Isawfluorescentfabricsallaround,andbeneaththeheadlights—whichwerethemainsourceoflightoutthere—theyglowedbrightly.Manyofthegirlshadpaintedtheirbodiesandeventheirfacesinfluorescentpaint.
“Iseeyoupayattentiontothedetails,”Mariosaid.Ihadnoideawhathewastalkingabout.Butthenhepointedatmychest,andIsawthatwhatevermymotherhadsprayedallovermewasnowshiningonmypaleskinlikeathousandlittlefluorescentdots.Ridiculous.
“Honestly,Ihadnoidea,”Isaid.
“Stillandall,it’sforthebest,”hesaid,lookingatmyshortsandmyshirt.“Notjustanyonecancomehere,andnooffense,butyou’redressedalittlemoremodestlythanmostpeoplehere.”
Modest!Thegirlstherecouldhavebeenstrippersifthey’djusttakenofftheirmicro-minisandbikinitops.
“Idon’tknowifyouknowthedealhere,buttherearegangsorgroups.Yourbrotheristheleaderofone,andit’simportanthebeatsRonnie,”Mariosaidwhenwewereclosetothecarsthatwouldberacing.
Nickwasagangleader?Thatwasunexpected,butIshouldn’thavebeensurprised.FromwhatlittleIknewofhim,itmadesensehe’dbeinvolvedinsomethinglikethat.Hewasviolent,frightening,andahard-ass,andhehiditwithamazingaplombwheneverhewashangingoutwiththepeoplehe’dgrownuparound.Buthewasarichkid!Thiskindofthingdidn’thappeninhisworld.WhatwasadudewhosefatherwasoneofthemostimportantlawyersinthecountrydoingrunningagangliketheoneIwaslookingatrightnow?
Mariostoppednexttoacoupleofguyswhocouldhavegivenmenightmaresforamonthstraight.Theyhadtattoosontheirarmsandwerewearingbaggyclothesandcrosspendantsandallkindsofsilverandgoldchains.Thegirlsbesidethemweredressedprovocatively,butthatwasnothingcomparedtotheonesnearwherewe’dparked.
Mariofist-bumpedtheguyslikethey’dbeenfriendsalltheirlives,andtheystartedjostlingeachotherandlaughing.Itwasstrangetoseesuchwarmcamaraderie.Ifyoujustlookedatthem,theywereterrifying.Alltheguyshadfluorescent-yellowbandsaroundtheirforearmsorwristsorintheirhair.Irealizedallofthemweremembersofthesamegang.Nick’sgang.
“Who’sthehotchick?”oneasked,andtheyalllaughedastheylookedoveratme.Peoplekeptshowingupandwalkingbackandforth.Butnotthem.Theystayedwheretheywere.Ididn’tlikethecomment,butmyonlyreactionwasascowl.Mariocametomyaid.
“Y’allaren’tgoingtobelieveit,butshe’sNick’sstepsister,”hesaid.Iwasdisappointed;Ididn’twantanyonetoknow.Iwantedtogounnoticedthatnightoratleasthaveagoodtimewithoutgettinglabeledasthegoody-goodygold-diggerstepsister-of-Nick.
Ifitwasevenpossible,theylaughedharder,andthegirlslookedatmewithrenewedinterest.
“Bringournewfriendsomethingtodrink!”ablackguysaid.Hewasholdingaredcupandhadhisarmaroundthewaistofahotgirl.Sheturnedaround,pouredsomethingintoacup,andpassedittomewhiletheotherswentontalkingandlisteningtotheirshrillmusic.
“Soyou’reourfriend’snewgirl?”sheasked,eyeingmeup.Ididthesame.Ifshewasn’tgoingtorespectme,whyshouldIrespecther?Shewasblack,tall,andverythin.Herhairwasinthinbraidsthatdescendedtoherwaist.Shewaswearingwhiteshortsandadark-blueT-shirt.
“Stepsister,”Icorrectedher,grabbingmycupandlookingatitwithsuspicion.“Youdidn’tputanythinginit,didyou?”Iasked.Ididn’ttrustthesepeople.I’dalreadybeendruggedonce.Ididn’tneedittohappenagain.
“WhatkindofpersondoyouthinkIam?”sheasked,offended.“It’sbeer,andifyouwantanythingweaker,you’reinthewrongplace.”Sheturnedsofastherbraidsalmosthitmeandwalkedawayswayingherhipssexily,causingmanymentheretostopandstare.
“You’veonlybeenherehalfanhour,andpeoplearealreadyplacingbetsonyou,”Mariosaid.
“Whatkindofbets?”Iasked,flustered.
“Howsoonyou’regoingtoneedtothrowawayyourbeerandtakeoffrunningbackhome.”Hisfacewasexpectant.
Sothatwashowitwas?
IglaredathimandalltheguyslookingatmelikeIwasajokeanddranktheentirecontentsofthatoversizecup.AsIdid,theystartedshoutinglouderandlouder,andwhenIfinished,alittlewoozyandwithanurgetocough,allpresentclappedandwhistled.
Iliftedthecupwithasmile.
“Who’sgoingtogetmearefill?”Foramoment,Ifeltfreeandhappy.
Thegirlfrombeforecameback,thistimewithasmileonherlips.
“Myname’sJenna,”shesaid,handingmeanothercup.“Ifyoureallywanttowintheseboysover,letyourhairdown,drinkthis,andhookupwiththebest-lookingone.Inthatorder.”
Iburstoutlaughing.Wassheserious?Andifshewas,didIcare?I’dgonetherewithonegoalinmind:getvengeancesomehowonmydisgustingex-boyfriendandmyex-bestfriend,solettingmyhairdownandhavingfun…whatwastheharminthat?
“IthinkI’lllistentoyou,”Itoldher,throwingawaymyhairbandawayandlettingmyhairfallovermyshouldersasItookaswigofsomethingmuchstrongerthanbeer.
Jennastarteddancing,amused.Therewashardlyanylightthereapartfromthefluorescent-yellowbandsandtheheadlightsfartheroff.
“I’mNoah,bytheway,”Isaid,realizingI’dfailedtointroducemyself.
Shesmiled.Sheseemednice.Allofasudden,Iheardacommotion.Theguyswhoweresittingonthehoodsofthecarsgotupandwalkedtowardsomeonewhowaspullingup.Rightaway,IrecognizedNoah’sSUV.
“Herecomesthedreamandnightmareofanygirlwitheyes,”Jennaannounced
Whatever,Ithought.Nickwashot,butassoonasheopenedhismouth,youwantedtotakeoffrunningorstartbangingyourheadagainstthewall.
Itookanotherdrinktokeepfromlookingathim,countingtheminutesuntilhe’dcomeoverandsaysomethingtome.Itwasfine.Iexpectedit,anditwouldgivemethechancetoventsomeofmyfrustration.
Buthedidn’tdoit.Actually,hedeliberatelyignoredmeforhalfanhour.Thatsurprisedmeatfirst,butIwasgratefulafterwardbecauseIwashavingfunwithJenna,enjoyingherenergeticwayoftalkinganddancingtothehardcoremusicthatwasplaying.
“Ishouldintroduceyoutomyguy,”shesaidasIwatchedher,thinkingtomyselfthatshecouldswingherhipsbetterthanBeyonceherself.Ifollowedhertowhereallthepeoplewerestanding.Theothergirlsweredrinkingortalking,andtwoorthreewereflirtingwithguys,tryingtogetthemtodancealong.
Jenna’sboyfriendwastheguyI’dseenherwithwhenIhadgottenthere,Ithought.Justthen,hewasinthemiddleofadiscussionwithNick.
ItensedasIapproachedthem,standingatsomedistancefromeveryoneelse.
“Lion!”Jennashouted,pullingonhisshouldersandgivinghimakissonthecheek.LionandNickbothturnedtowardus.Nicholasdidn’tlookexcitedtoseeme.
“ThisisNoah,”shesaid,spinninghimallthewayaroundsoIcouldgetagoodlookathim.LionwasthesameheightasNickandverystrikingwithhisgreeneyes—greenlikethemintinamojito—andhisperfectlysculpted,muscularbody.
Jennawasaluckywoman!
“What’sup,Noah?”hesaidwithafriendlysmilebutkeepinganeyeonmystepbrother.
“Nicetomeetyou,”Isaid,smilingback.IwasreallystartingtolikeJenna,andIdidn’twantherboyfriendtobelieveallthestuffNickhadcertainlytoldhimaboutme.
“Wow,youcanbeniceandeverything,”Nicholassaidcynically.Igearedup,readytoattackforthethird,maybethefourthtime.
Iwasn’tinthemoodforanotherfight,though,soIresortedtoauniversalgesture:raisingmymiddlefingerandwalkingoffinsearchofsomethingbettertodo.
ThatwaswhenIfelthisarmloopthroughmine,pullingmetowardadarkcornerbetweentwoexpensivecars.Jennaandherboyfriendwatchedusforamoment,butthenshekissedhimhard.Itstungtoseeacouplethatlookedsogoodtogether,sohappy.Notevenfourhoursago,ItoothoughtIhadthebestguyintheworldbymyside,andnow…
“Whatdoyouwant?”IaskedNick,expellingallmyrage.He’dpushedmeintothecar,soIwastrappedbetweenhimandthedoorofagrayBMW.
He’dchangedclothes.NowhewaswearingjeansthatlefthisCalvinKleinunderwearexposedandatightblackT-shirtthatshowedoffhismusculararms.
Hedidn’tanswer,justlookedatmebrieflybeforegrabbingmyphonefrommyhandandshowingmethescreenwiththephotothathadbrokenmyhearttwoinchesfrommyface.
“Whoisthis?”heaskedme.Washepretendingtobeinterestedinmyprivatelife?
Ireachedouttograbmyphone,buthepulleditaway,observingmyreaction.
“Whatdoyoucare?”IhissedwithasmuchcontemptasIcouldmuster.
“Me?Icouldn’tgivelessofashit.ButI’mguessingitmustbeyourboyfriend,orex-boyfriendifyou’vegotanyself-respect.Andsincewomenareallbasicallythesame,I’dimaginethatyourmaingoaltonight,besidespesteringme,isgettingyourrevengeonthisdickhead.”
Howcouldheknowthat?Wasitsoobviousthatpaybackwastheonethingonmymind?Hecontinued,“Soletmeoffermyassistance.I’llkissyouandwe’lltakeabunchofphotosofit,andinexchangeyou’lltakeyourassbackhome.Idon’twantyouhere,Noah.”
Iwasshockedandneededsometimetoabsorbwhathe’dsaid.AsIlingeredthere,hestaredatwhateverwashappeningbehindme.Kissthisidiot?Never!Andyet,ifIthoughtaboutit,hereallywashot,andmaybeIwasn’tintoitexactly,butIknewperfectlywellhowthatbastardDanwouldtakeit.Hehadabigheadandthoughthewasthebest-lookingguyattheschool,andnothingwouldbotherhimlikeseeingmewithaguywhowasobviouslyhisphysicalsuperior.
“Fine,”Isaid.FromNick’sexpression,Icouldseehe’dassumedIwouldn’tgoalongwithit.“Iwantthatfuckertofeellikethebiggestpieceofshitintheworld,andifI’vegottokissyoutomakethathappen?”Ishrugged.“Thensobeit.ButIdon’twanttogoanywhereelsetonight.I’mhavingfun,sohere’sthedeal.Youoffermeyourbodytohelpmegetrevengeonmystupidex-boyfriend,andIpromiseIwon’tcrashanymoreofyourparties.”
Hesmiled,andIlookedbackathimconfused.Whatwassofunny?
“You’rehonestlyfuckedupinthehead,youknowthat,right?”Heshookhisownheadindisbelief.
“I’minabad,badplacerightnow,andallIcareaboutisseeingthatbastardsufferasmuchasI’msufferingrightnow.”Icouldhearthepaininmyvoice.Thatphotokeptflashingoverandoverinmymind,tormentingme.Ididn’tcarethatNickwasmystepbrotherorthathewasagrade-Aimbecile.Iwantedvengeance,thatwasit.IknewthedrinksI’dhadthatnightwereaffectingmyjudgment,butIdidn’tcare.
“Soareyougoingtokissmeornot?”Idaredhim.
Nicklaughed.
Thatpissedmeoff,soIdidsomethingI’dbeenwantingtodoeversinceImethim:Iraisedonefootandkickedhimstraightintheshin.Heshouted,morefromsurprisethanpain.
“Stoplaughing,jerkoff!Thereareplentyofdudeshere.Ifyou’renotgoingtodoit,someoneelsewill.”AssoonasI’dspoken,IgotreadytowalkoffandshowhimIwasserious.
“That’snotgonnahappen,”hesaidbrusquely.“Iwantyououtofhere,sogetoverhere.”Hepulledmeovertothehoodofthecar,wherenooneelseatthepartycouldseeus,thankfully.Ihoppeduponthehood,andNicholaslookedatmylegs,mywaist,mychest,myeyes.
“Youmustreallybepissedtodothis,”hesaid,pullingouttheiPhoneandturningonthecamera.
“Youmustbereallydesperatenottoseemeanymore,”Icounterattacked,pretendingIwasn’tnervousatall.Icouldbarelystandhim;Ihatedhimactually,andforthesamereason,itmademehappytoknowIwasusinghimformybenefit.
Hedidn’tsayanythingback.Hejustopenedmykneeswithhishandsandgotbetweenthem.Whileheheldthephonewithonehand,theotherstrokedthebarefleshofmythighs.DespitewhatI’dthoughtorwhatIwishedI’dthought,thatcontactdidn’tleavemybodyindifferent.
“Justgetitoverwith,”Isaid,andhelookedirate,buthislefthandgrabbedthenapeofmyneck,andheslammedhislipsintomine.
Icouldn’tsuppressatickleinmystomach.Hislipsweresoft,hischinpricklywithaslightgrowthofbeard.Hekissedmeangrily,asifheweremakingmepayforalltheargumentswe’dhadsincewemet.IrealizedthenthatIhadn’theardthecameraclick.
IshovedhimashardasIcouldbutonlymanagedtomovehimafewinches.
“Whydon’tyoutakethephotoalready?”Thiswastheclosesthe’deverbeentomeandthebestviewI’deverhadofthosebrighteyeswiththeirlonglashes.Hewasn’thardtolookat.Mygod!Thesonofabitchwasmakingmylegstremble,itdidn’tmatterhowmuchIhatedhim.
“Howaboutyouopenyourmouthwithoutmakingsomestupid-asscommentandwecanfinallygetthisoverwith?”hereplied.
Heliftedthephonetotheheightofourheads.AsIwatchedhim,mylipsgrewinvoluntarilymoist.Thenhepulledmeintohim.Hekissedme;Iheardtheclick.Heputhistongueinmymouth,andwhenhestartedtomoveit,Ifeltsuddenlyweightless.Ourlipsweremovinginunison,anditwasn’tjustbecauseofthephoto.
IlikedfeelingwhatIfeltjustthen.Myentirebodywasburningwithpassionforthemoment,anddeepdowninmysoul,IknewIhadmyrevenge.Iwasenjoyingthatkiss,andIcouldn’twaitformyex-boyfriendtofindout!
Hishandswerebackonmylegs.Thiswaslust,pure,undilutedlust.Andhate.Wehatedeachother,wecouldn’tstandeachother,andthatmadeitokayforustouseeachotherinthisway.
Ireachedupandranmyhandsthroughhisdarkhair.Screwbeingprudent!
Hishandswereonmylowerthighs,squeezingthem,makingmeshiver,makingpartsofmybodyI’dprefernottonamecatchfire.Hebitmylowerlip,andIwantedtoscream.
“Don’tstop,”Isaidwhenhereachedmywaist.Iwantedhimtokeepgoing,wantedhimtomakemeforgetallIwasfeelingatthatinstant,tomakeallmysorrowvanish,allmydemons.Iwantedtousehimforthat,usehimthewaysomanyboysusegirls,Iwanted…
Hepulledaway.
Iopenedmyeyes.Whatwashedoing?
“You’vegotyourphoto,”hesaid,anddroppedthephoneintomyhand.
Iwaspanting.Iwasangrythathe’dstopped;Iwasangrythattheonetimehedidsomethingright,hehadtomessitup;IwasangrybecausehewasincorrigibleandIhatedeverythinghe,hisfather,andhisgodforsakenlifehaddonetomine.
“That’sit?”Iasked.Mycheekswereonfire.Mybodywasyearningforhimtotouchmeagain.
“Trytostayoutofmywaytonight,”hewarnedme.
Whathadhappened?Whathadwejustdone?
Iwatchedhimashewalkedaway,feelingastrange,indescribablesensation.12Nick
IthoughtIwasgoingtoexplodejustthen.Eachofmynerveendingshadawakenedwithaburning,unsettlingintensity.MyangergrewasIwalkedovertomyfriends.
WhythehellhadIkissedher?WhyhadIenteredhergame?SincewhendidIletagirlgetmesohotwithoutmetakingthereins?Theanswertoallthesequestionshadfourletters:Noah
SinceI’dseenhertonight,Ihadn’tbeenabletogetheroutofmyhead.Ididn’tknowifitwastheattractionoftheforbidden,sinceshewasmystepsister,orifIneededsomehowtofeelIcouldcontrolher,putoutthatfirethatkeptshootingoutofhermouthandmakeheractlikealltheotherwomenI’dknownandmanagedtocontrol.
ButNoahwascompletelydifferentfromallofthem.Shedidn’tthrowherselfatmyfeet,shedidn’tgetweakinthekneeswhenshelookedatme,shedidn’tbackdownwhenIchallengedher,no—she’danswerback,andherreactionswerefiercerthanmine.Itwasexasperating…andexcitingatthesametime.Mentally,Icouldn’tstoptellingmyselfthatshewasanunbearable,whinylittlebitch,thatIshouldignoreher,butmybodywasbetrayingme,andIdidn’tknowwhatthehelltodo.I’dkissedher.I’dofferedtodoitnotbecauseIgaveadamnabouthergettingrevengeonherex-boyfriendorwantedheroutoftheparty;itwasjustpuredesire.Iwantedtotasteher,tofeelher.AssoonasIsawherthatnight,Iwantedtogetbetweenherlegsandmakehermine.Itwasuncomfortable,hellishlyuncomfortable,andfrustrating,especiallysinceIcouldn’tstandher.Whydidshehavetobesogoddamnattractive?
Hershortsleftmostofherlonglegsfreetoexciteme.Shewasdaringanymantoreachoutandtouchthem,tokissher.Herhairdrovemewild,especiallywhensheletitdowntoframeherface,whichwasflushedfromthealcohol.Butmoreexcitingstillwereherlips:softasvelvetandsharpassteelwhenshewantedtosaysomethingwounding.She’ddrivenmecrazywhenshe’dopenedhermouth,whenhertonguehadinterwovenwithminewithoutshame,withouthesitation.ItwasnothinglikeanyothergirlI’dkissedbefore.She’dfollowedmyrhythm,letmetakecontrol,andI’dbittenherlipfrompurecarnaldesirebecauseI’dwantedtoconsumeherbutalsoletherknowwhowasincharge.
“That’sit?”she’daskedme,cheeksflushed,eyesbrightwithlonging.Whatthefuckdidshewantmetodo,though?Ifshewasn’twhoshewas,I’dhavetakenherstraighttothebackseatofmycar.Ifshewasn’tsodamnhardtoputupwith,I’dhavegivenherthebestnightofherlife.Ifshewasn’t…ifshewasn’tturningmywholeworldupsidedown…
“Dude,wherewereyou?Thefirstraceisabouttobegin!”Lionshoutedfromtheplacewherehe’dparkedmyblackFerrarinexttomyenemy’ssouped-upAudi.
ThatwasexactlywhatIneeded.Dischargingallthatbuilt-uptensionat170milesperhourdownasandtrackinthemiddleofthenightandleavingoneofthelosersfromRonnie’sganginthedust.Ineededtoblowoffsteam,feeltheadrenaline—adrenalinewasbetterthandesire,betterthanknowingthatIwouldn’thavetheonethingIreallywantedthatnight…
“TellKyleI’vegotthisone,”Isaid,walkingovertothecar.Myfriendswerewaitingforme,havingfunbeforetheflagcamedown,drinking,dancing,inagoodmoodbecausetheyassumedwe’dtakethenight’sprizemoney.Thatwasthedeal.Fifteenthousanddollarswasontheline,plustheloser’scarinthefinal.I’dbeenputtingoffaraceagainstRonnietoolong.NotbecauseIfearedlosing—anythingbut.Theproblemwasthathewasathugandabadsport.Everyyear,thepotgotbigger,andeveryyear,therewasmoretensionbetweenourtwogangs.He’dmadeitevidentwhatwouldhappenifthingsgotoutofhand.Everyonehereknewtherules.
Therewerefourgangscompetingthatnight,andeachhadbroughtinitsbestdrivers.Eightdifferentcarswereracingintotal.Wedrewtofindoutwhichgangwouldcompeteagainstwhich,andwehadtwoseparatebrackets.Therewouldbethreeracesperbracketuntilonewasleft,andthatpersonwouldracethewinnerfromtheotherbracket.Thatmadesixracesintotal,notcountingthefinal.
AndIwasgoingtobeinthatfinal.
SinceI’dstartedracingfiveyearsbefore,myteamhadalwayswon.Ronnierespectedme,butIknewhe’dfuckmeoverifheevergotthechance.Iwasfromagoodfamily,Iwasn’tinitforthemoney,andthatgottohim.Heneededthecash—neededittobuydrugsandkeeptheguysinhisganginline.Itwasonethingtothrowmoneyaround,anothertoplaywiththeonethingthatseemedtomattertohim.Ifhelosthiscar,I’dneedtobereadyfortrouble.
IranahandalongtheroofofmyFerrari.Ilovedthatdamncar;itwasperfect,thefastest,thebestpurchaseI’devermade.IonlyletpeopleItrusteddriveit.Mycar.Myrules.Thatwasthedeal.Drivingitwasaprivilege.Everyoneinmygangknewthat.
“Kyle’sgonnabemad,bro,”Lionsaidwithanawkwardexpression.Afterthedrawing,we’ddecidedhowtodivvyupourguys.Thefourgangswereequallyrepresentedinbothbrackets.IknewKylehadbeengunningforGreg,theguyI’dbegoingagainst,butsorry—Iwasdrivinginthisracemyself.
IlookedoveratLion.Iwasgladhewastherethatnight.Hewasoneofmybestfriends.I’dmethiminoneoftheworstperiodsofmylife,andwe’dbeeninseparableeversince.Iwastheonewho’dintroducedhimtohisgirlJenna.Shewasthedaughterofoilexecsandhadgrownupinthesamedevelopmentasme,andwe’dknowneachothersincewewerekids.Shewasstillinhighschool.Shewasn’tliketheotherdaughtersofmillionaires—shewasspecial,andIcaredaboutheralot.Lionhadbeenhunguponherfromthefirstmomenthesawher
“FuckKyle,”Isaid.Lionprobablythoughtthatwasovertheline,buthedidn’tsayanything.HeknewwhenIwasn’tinthemoodforbullshit.Andjustthen,Idefinitelywasnotinthemood.
“Thesecondcurveistighterthanthefirst,sobrakeearlyoryou’llskidofftheroad,”hetoldmeasIgotinthecarandputitingear.Fromfifteenfeetaway,peoplewerealreadyshoutingeuphorically,anxiousfortheracetobegin.Twogirlswereholdingthefluorescentflags,readytomotionforustotakeoff.
“Gotit,”Isaid.AndIcouldn’thelpbutadd,“KeepaneyeonNoah.”IsqueezedthewheeltightlyasIrealizedshewasstillstuckinmyhead.Icouldn’thelpit;Ineededtoknowsomeonewastakingcareofher.Thiskindofpartywasdangerousforagirllikeher,andLionknewthatbetterthananyone.
“Don’tworry,Jenna’salloverit.”Thateasedmymind.ButthenIlookedwherehewaslooking.There,withafluorescentbandanatiedaroundherhead,asthoughshewereamemberofmygang,wasNoah,armslockedwithJenna,smilingradiantly.Shewaseuphoric.Drunkandeuphoric.
Dammit.
“Seeyouatthefinishline,”Isaid,thewaywealwaysdidwhenweraced.
Theflagscamedown,theengineroared,andthewindinmyfacemademeforgetthosehoney-coloredeyesandthatscandalousbody.
We’dwonalltheracessofar.Elsewhere,ontheothersandtracks,allthecompetitionhadbeeneliminated.JustRonniewasleft.Nosurprise.MyguyKylewasgood,butRonniewasoneofthebest.
Thefinalwasgoingtobetough,andIwasnervousabouttheoutcome.
Istillhadtwentyminutestogo,andIwasleaningonmycardrinkingabeerandsmokingacigarette.NoahwaswithJenna.Theywerelivingitup,asfarasIcouldtell,dancing,drinking,justhavingfun.Igotit—Noahprobablythoughtshecoulddrinkawaythememoriesofherboyfriend.Ikeptaneyeonhereverymovement.
“You’rebeingweirdtonight,”afamiliarvoicesaidfrombehindmyback.IturnedtoAnnawhenIfeltherwarmbreathonmyneck.Justlikeme,shehadchanged.Shewaswearingaskimpydressthatrevealedherhugeboobsandthinlegs.Shewasgazingatmewithdesire.Wealwayslookedateachotherthatway.
“It’snotthebestnight,”Isaid,tryingtogethertounderstandsheshouldn’texpectanysweetnothingsfromme.
“Icouldmakeitalotbetter,”shesaid,sidlinguptomeandgivingmeaviewofhercleavage.“Allyou’vegottodoiscomewithme,”sheaddedseductively.
Ihadfifteenminuteslefttillthelastrace.Andthetruthwas,IcouldusealittlereleasewithAnnainthebackofmyride.
“Makeitquick,”Isaid,dragginghertomycar.
Fifteenminuteslater,wewentbacktowhereeveryonewasstanding,waitingonthefinale.SexwithAnnahadhelpedmeclearmyhead.IcouldhavewhoeverIwanted—therewasnoneedtogetallhunguponsomeseventeen-year-old.
AndthenIsawher.
Everyonehadmovedfromthestartinglinetothefinish.NormallyLionandJennaalwaysstayedbehind.Buttherewasn’tatraceofthem.
IsawjustonethingbeforemyblackFerraritookoffwithoutme:thereddish-blondhairofmystepsisterintherearviewmirror.13Noah
AfterwhathadhappenedwithNick,Idecidedtostayawayfromhimtonight.Thatwaswhathe’daskedfor,afterall.Whathadhappenedbetweenuswasweird,butitwaspleasant.Thenhe’dopenedhismouthandI’drememberedwhoIwasdealingwith.
Still,I’dgottenwhatIwanted.I’dgottenmyrevengeonDan,evenifdeepdownIrealizedthatnothingcouldmakemefeelbetterafterthetwopeoplewhomatteredmosttomehadbetrayedmebehindmyback.
ThephotoNickhadtakenhadshakenme.I’dnevertakenphotosofDanandmekissing.Forthatmatter,Danhadneverkissedmelikethat.WhenIlookedatthepicture,Igotgoosebumps.Youcouldseeusinitinprofile,hislipshalf-openandpressedintomine,oureyesclosed,enjoyingthemoment.Mycheekswerebrightred,Nick’sfacewashard,cold,irresistible.Hereallywasattractive.Danwouldbeclimbingthewalls.Iknewit.Hewasjustthategotistical,evenifnormallyhesavedhisself-centeredattitudeforotherpeopleanddidn’tmakemeavictimofit.Isenthimthepictureofhimcheating,sohe’dknowIhadit.
ThenIwroteatextunderthephotoofNickandmebeforesendingit.
AllIneededwasfourhourstofindabiggermanthanyou.Thanksforopeningmyeyes.Bytheway,inyourpictureyoulooklikeafishsuckingair.Learntokiss,douchebag!
IlookedatthephotoofhimandBethkissing.
Hisfacestilldrewmein,butIknewthatwiththatmessage,ourrelationshipwasover.Iwouldneverseehimagain,andforthefirsttime,Iwashappytherewasaborderbetweenus.AsforBeth,Ijustwroteheratwo-wordmessagethatIsentalongwiththephotoofherandDankissing:
We’redone.
IexhaledalltheairI’dbeenholdingin.Thatwasit.Withthat,ninemonthsofromanceandsevenyearsoffriendshipwerefinished.Ifeltmyeyesgrowdamp,butIdidn’tspillasingletear.Tohellwiththem.Theydidn’tdeserveit.
IputmyphoneinmybackpocketandtriedtofindNick.LastIsawhim,hewasleaningagainsthisblackFerrarianddrinkingabeer.IturnedaroundandwalkedstraightovertoJenna.
Wedanced,laughed,entertainedourselves.Mynewfriendwascrazy.Nowandthenshe’drunofftomakeoutwithherboyfriend,andI’drememberwhathadhappenedandfeeldepressed.Itriedtodistractmyselfwatchingtheraces;Ilovedthesport,anditbroughtbacksomeofmyfavoritememoriesfrombackwhengoingtotheraceswasaneverydaythingforme.Inotedthetechniquesofallthedifferentdrivers.Nick’sfriendwasprettygood,butNickwasbetter.Hisfirstraceimpressedme.
Asthenightwenton,Ifoundmyselfanalyzingthedifferentstrategiesandaskingmyselfwhatwasmissing,howtoincreaseourside’sadvantage.Theproblemwasthesecondcurve.Ifyouhitittooslow,youfellbehind;ifyoutookittoofast,youriskedspinningout.
Iwasdyingtogetonthetrack.IfeltlikeIcoulddoitbetter.Iwantedtofeelthewindinmyface,theadrenalineinmybodythatspeedalwaysbroughtwithit,feelthatcontroloverthecar,knowingIwastheonetellingitwheretogo.
ThesethoughtswereswirlinginmyheadwhenIrealizedthelastracewasabouttobegin.ThisguyRonniewasracingagainstNicholas.IfIhadthechance,Ithought,Icouldsmokehimwithmyeyesclosed.
Everyonehadgottenintheircarsanddrivenovertothefinishline.Jenna,Lion,andIhadtostaybehind,buttheyleftforasecondtogethercar.Nicholashadvanished,too,takingofftowardhisSUVwiththatdark-hairedbimbo.SothereIwas,alone,witharocketshipjustwaitingforsomeonetogetbehindthewheel.
IsawRonniewalkovertohistunerandglanceoveratme.Hewasascarydude.Hewasrippedlikeagladiatorandhadhundredsoftattoosalloverhisarmsandback.
“Yo,bae,”hesaid,leaninghisforearmsonthehood.“Whoareyou?”
Iwasintimidated,butIthoughtitwassmarttoanswerhim.
“Noah,”Isaid.
“I’vebeenwatchingyou,”headmitted.“Iknowhowtotellachickwhoknowsthisgamefromonewho’sjuststandingaround.Andyouknowthisgame,”hesaid,slappingthehood.
“Imighthaveracedatimeortwo,”Isaid,wonderingwhereeveryoneelsewas.Ididn’tlikethewaythatdudewaslookingatme;hegavemethecreeps.
“Icanimagine,”hereplied.“Whydon’tyouracemethen?”
WashereallyproposingwhatIthoughthewasproposing?
“You’resupposedtoraceNicholas,”Isaiddoubtfully.
“Yeah,butNicholasain’there,ishe?”
Ifelttheadrenalinecoursingthroughmyveins.Racingagain.ThatwaswhatIwanted.WhatIneeded.Anditwastrue—Nicholaswasn’ttheretotellmeno.
“Idon’tthinkit’sagoodidea,”Isaid,bitingmylipbutseeingthekeysoftheFerrariintheignition.
Ronnieclickedhistongueandwalkedoverslowly.
It’sactuallyagreatidea,Ithought.ButIkeptthattomyself.
“Nickalreadygotbehindthewheeltonight.Andit’sabouttimeheletsawomantry,no?”
GuyslikeNickwerethereasonnobodytookgirlslikemeseriously.
“Orareyouscared?”Ronnieadded.Heknewhowtohitmewhereithurt.
Thatinfuriatedme,andIwassurehecouldseemyansweronmyfacebeforeIopenedmymouth.
“You’reon,”Isaidwithasmirk.Hegrinnedbackatme.
“Goodjob,Precious.Seeyouatthestartingline.”
Iknewwhathewasthinking:thathecouldbeatmelikeacheaprug.Well,Ihatetotellyou,Ronnie,butIforgottomentionthatyou’reracingagainstthedaughterofaNASCARchamp.
Thecarwasdope.Leatherseats,impeccablebody,andtheroarofthatmotor…whatapleasure,whatmemories.Isliditintogearandrolledslowlytothestartingline.Nooneknewwhowasinside.Noonebutmyadversary.
Ismiledlikealittlekid.Ididn’twanttothinkabouttheconsequences,didn’twanttothinkofhowNickwouldprobablykillme;Ijustwantedtohavefun.
Comeon,Ronnie,youhard-ass.
Whentheflagsgavethesignal,Istompedtheaccelerator,andinunderasecond,Iwasoff.Itwasmoving,liberating,relaxing,scary…Nothingcouldhavebeenbetter.Ihadn’tdoneanythinglikethatinyears.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeI’ddonesomethingforme,somethingIliked,somethingthatdidn’thavetodowithmymomorherhusbandormyex-boyfriendorex-bestfriend.Iwasfree,freeasabird,andinastateofpureecstasy.
Ronniewasgunningitnexttome.IsteppeddownharderandshoutedlikecrazyasIglidedpastthefirstcurve,leavinghimbehind.
“Hellyes!”Ishouted.
Butthesecondcurvewasfastapproaching,andthatwasthetoughone.SoIaskedmyselfthemillion-dollarquestion:slowdownandavoiddangerorpushittothelimitandriskrunningoffthetrack?
Needlesstosay,Ichosethesecond.
IacceleratedwhilecalculatingtheabsoluteminimumIcouldslowdownatthekeymomenttoroundthecurveinsafety.
WhenIsawitupclose,IrealizeditwastighterthanI’dthoughtatfirst.Shit.Iwasgoingtostartspinningout.Ibrakedandjerkedthewheelwithallmystrength,heardthesandhittingthecar,thetiressquealingundertheabuse.
IclenchedmyjawandshoutedwhenImadeitthroughwithoutkillingmyself.Themotorgrowled,tellingmetogofaster,andwhowasItosayno?
“Yes!”Ishrieked,seeingRonniebehindme,almostonmybumper.Inhisreflectioninthemirror,hisfacewasenraged.Heknewhewaslosing.
“Suckit!”Ishoutedinbliss.“Allyoubig-shotmachodickheadscansuckit!”
I’dmadeitthroughthehardpart.Therestwasacakewalk.Ispeduptowardthefinishline.AnothermileortwoandIhadhim.Myheartwasracing,Iwasthrilled…=andthenRonniehitmefrombehind.Ilurchedforward,andtheseatbeltdugintomychest.
“Youfucker!”Isaidandgrippedthewheeltighter.Ronniewasamaniac;hekeptslowingdownandspeedingup,tryingtorammeagain.Irockedtoonesidetoavoidathirdattempt,buthefollowedme,thistimestrikingmetotheright.Thatsonofabitchwasdestroyingmycar!
Ipulledrightquicklyandgavehimatasteofhisownmedicine,almostbreakingoffhissidemirror,andwhenIsawhewasdistractedandmorepissedoffthanever,Iputthepedaltothefloor,readytoreachmydestination.
Justafewfeetmore,three,two…thenitwasover.I’dcrossedthefinishedline.
Thescreamsweredeafening;peoplewerewavingtheirhandsandtheirfluorescentbandanasintheair.Itwaswild,thefeelingofwinning,knowingI’dleftthatthuginthedust.
Ibrakednexttothemassofspectators,lookedintherearview,andsawRonniegettingoutofthecarinfury.Hekickedthedoorofmycar.Ijustlaughed.
Thensomeoneappearedinmywindow,openedthedoor,andpulledmeoutoftheinterior,almostliftingmeintheair.
“Areyououtofyourfuckingmind?!”Nicholassaid.Helookedrabid.
“Jesus,Nicholas!”
I’dneverseenhimsomad.Notevenwhenwe’dfoughtatthepartythenightbeforeandhe’dbeenhandingoutbeatingsliketheywerecandy.Hishairwasmessy,itlookedlikehe’dbeenpullingonit,andhisgazetoldmehewishedIwasdeadandburiedandhe’dneverhavetolayeyesonmeagain.
Iwassoscared,Iblurtedoutthefirstthingthatcameintomyhead:“Iwon,though.”
Facealmosttouchingmine,heasked,“Doyouhaveanyideawhatyou’vedone?!”Iwasterrified,butIwasn’tgoingtolethimcowme,soIshookandshookuntilhehadtoletmego.
“Don’tyoudareyellatme.”
Thatrichfucker.Itwasn’tlikeI’dwreckedhiscar;I’dtakenperfectcareofit.Whateverdamageithadreceivedwasthefaultofthatdumbass,Ronnie.Plus,I’dwontherace!I’dwon!
ThatwaswhenJennaandLioncameover,leavingbehindthechaos.AsIprickedupmyears,Iheardscreamingandwhistlingcomingfromallaround.
“Cheater!Cheater!”
Thatmeantthepublicwasonmyside.They’dseenRonnieplayingdirty;he’dbrokentherulesandrear-endedme;thatwasstrictlyillegal,especiallyinacarlikethat,whichwasn’tmadeforharshimpact.
“Lethergo,Nicholas,”Lionsaid,buthisfacewasnofriendlierthanNick’s.
Jenna’sexpressionwasnasty,too,andthatsurprisedaswellashurtme.
“HerecomesRonnie,”shesaid,andNicholasreleasedmesoabruptlythatIhitmybackagainstthecar.
Whatthehellwasgoingon?Whywaseveryonesopissedoff?
Nicholasturnedaroundwithhisfistsclenched.
“Youbroketherules,Leister,andyouknowexactlywhatthatmeans,”Ronniesaid,clearlyfurious,butwithagrinacrossthatfacefullofpiercingsandtattoos.
“Bullshit,”Nicholassaid.Lionwasnexttohim,andtheotherguysinhisgangapproachedtogivehimsupport.Ronnie’screwdidthesame.Lessthanaminutehadpassed,andIstillhadnoideawhatwasgoingon.“It’snotmyfaultifsomeoneelsegetsinmycaranddrivesonthetrack.There’snowayyou’repinningthatonme.”
NowIstartedtoseewhatwasgoingon.
“She’samemberofyourgang,Leister.Thatmakesheryourresponsibility.”
“No,she’snot,”Nicholassaid,butthenheturnedandlookedatme.Isawsurpriseinhiseyesandangeragain,or,rather,anewanger,threetimesasfierceastheoldone.
“She’sgotthebandanaon.Thatmeansshe’sinthegang,”Ronnieblustered.
NowIgotit.Thebandanamademeamember.ButifIwas,thenwhatwastheproblemwithmeracinginNicholas’splace?
“Youbroketherules,Leister.Thefinalwasbetweenyouandme.Sothatmakesmethewinner.”Allthosebehindhimhowledinagreement,andhiseyesseemedtodareustosayotherwise.
“Thisisbullshit,”Nicholassaid,steppingforward.Liondidthesame,hisfistspressedintohiships.
Withthatdumbasssmileofhis,RonniestartedshakinghisheadevenasNicholaswasspeaking.
“Youcangoaheadandhandoverthefifteenthousandandthatbabyrightthere,”hesaid,lookingatNick’sblackFerrari.
Whatthe…?
Isteppedforward;Ididn’tcarewhowasstandingacrossfromme.IcouldfeelNickgettingtenser,butbeforehecouldpushmeback,Ispoke:
“Youweretheonewhotoldmetoraceyou,”Ishouted.“AndIbeatyou.Aseventeen-year-oldgirlbeatyou.”Ronnie’sfacetwistedintoanexpressionofwrath.Ithoughthe’dkillme.Butthatwouldn’tstopmefromsayingwhatIhadtosay.“Iwoundedyourpunylittlemasculineego,andnowyouwanttotrytomakeeveryonethinkyou’vegotsomerighttothemoneyandthecar.”Iwouldhavecontinued,butNicholasgotinfrontofme.
“Shutyourmouthandgetinmycar,”hesaidthroughclenchedteeth.“Now!”
“Fuckthat!”Ishouted,lookingpasthimtoRonnie.Iwasn’tgoingtoletthatfuckheadmanipulatethesituationtohisbenefit,andtherewasnowayinhellIwaslettinghimtakethecar.Iwontherace;henevereventookthelead.“Youshouldlearntorace,dumbass!”
Nick’sgangshoutedtheiragreement.Thatmademefeelbetter.
SomeonepulledmebackasNickturnedtoRonniewiththeveinsinhisneckreadytoexplode.IsawRonnie’sfaceandthoughttheymightbeateachothertodeath.
“Shutup,Noah,now,”Jennasaidinmyear.“You’regoingtomakethiswayworsethanyoucanimagine.”
Ididn’trespond.NickandRonniewerestaringeachotherdown.Afightseemedinevitable.ButthenNickgrabbedthekeysfrommeandhandedthemover.
No!
“I’llsendyouthecashtomorrow,”hesaid,feigningcalm.
Allarounduswassilence.Ronniesmiled,tookthekeys,andstartedspinningthemaroundhisfinger.Nicholaswasstrugglingtobreathe,andIcouldtellhewasseething,readytoexplode.
“Yo,trytokeepthatbitchathome,”Ronniesaid.ThatwaswhenNicholaslostit.
Ithappenedsoquickly,noonesawitcoming.HisfiststruckRonnie’sjawwithsuchforce,helaidhimoutoverthehoodofhiscar.
Fistsstartedflyingallaroundme.Thetwogangsweregoingatit,andnowIwasinthemiddleofthatinferno.Someonehitmefrombehind,andIfellface-firstontheground,scratchingmykneesandhands.
“Noah!”Jennashouted,kneelingtohelpmegetup.
Theywerefightingliketheirlivesdependedonit.Iwasinapanic.Thereweremorethanfiftymuscular,scaryguystherethrowingblows.
SomeonegrabbedmyarmandpulledJennaandmeawayatthesametime.ItwasLion.Hisfacelookedstonyanddetermined.Hislipwasbleeding.Hespitonthegroundashestruggledtogetusout.
“Getinthereandlockyourdoors,”hesaid,pointingatNick’sSUV.
Lionhoppedinthedriver’sseatandpulledout,comingtoastopwhereNickwasbeatingonanow-disorientedRonnie.
“Nick!”heshoutedasloudlyaspossible,makinghimselfheardoverthegroupofmenfightingandfalling.
NickpunchedRonnieonemoretimeinthestomachandrantowardus.Hislipwasbusted,hischeekbruised.He’dbarelyhitthepassengerdoorwhenLionturnedthewheelandhitthegas.
ThatwaswhenIturnedaround.
Myheartfroze.Ronniewasliftingupahandgunandpointingitatthebackofthecar.
“Getdown!”Ishoutedastherearwindshieldshatteredintoamillionpieces,andthenwestartedracingaway,andIthoughtI’dlosemymind.
“Fuck!”NicholasandLionscreamed.JennaandIwereshoutingaswell.
“Sonofa,”NicholassaidwhileLionpulledoutontothehighway.Atthishourofthenight,therewasn’tasinglecarontheroad,andIwasgratefultoseeLionwasn’tworriedaboutthespeedlimit.Iturnedbackandsawseveralothercarsdoingthesame,butaslongasIdidn’tseeRonnie,Icouldbreatheeasy.
“Areyouokay?”Nicholasasked,lookingfirstatme,thenatJenna.
“Jenna,talktome,”Lionsaid,lookingintotherearview,faceheavywithworry.
“Thatgoddamnsonofabitch!”sheshoutedhysterically.Iwastremblingfromheadtotoe.
“Iseeyou’regoodasever,”Lionsaid,laughingdespitehisnerves.
“Findagasstation,”Nicksaid.
Iwaspetrified,scaredtoevenbreathetooloudly.Noonehadeverpointedagunatmeinmylife.Ronniehadlookedmeintheeyesbeforeshooting.I’dhavethatimageofhisfaceinmyheadforalongtime.
Icouldn’ttakeitallin.Howhadthingsgottensooutofcontrol?
Iwasonthevergeofabreakdown.FirsttherehadbeenDanandBeth,thentheadrenalinethathadrunthroughmeforthefirsttimeinyears,thegoodandbadmemoriesithadawakened,theweaknessandguiltI’dfeltwhenNickhadtogivehiscartothatasshole,thepaininmykneesandhands,whichwerebleedingfromthefall.Astherushfadedaway,Istartedtograspallthathadhappened
Tenminuteslater,inuncomfortablesilence,wearrivedatagasstationthatwasopenallnight.
LioncuttheengineandgotouttoopenthedoorforJennaandgiveheralong,passionatehug.Nickgotoutatthesametimeandwalkedinside.Ididn’tmove.Icouldn’twatchhim.Ididn’twantto.
Ifeltguilty;everythingthathadhappenedhadbeenmyfault,andthatfightcouldhavebeenathousandtimesworse.IhadnoideawhatRonniewasdoingwithagun,butI’datleastfiguredoutthatthoseraceswerenothingliketheonesI’dseenasagirl,andthepeopleherewerenothinglikethepeoplebackthere.Thiswasdangerous,therewasalotofmoneyontheline,andthedriverswereallcriminals.I’dleftagangmemberlookingridiculousandforcedmynewlyacquiredstepbrotherintoafight.
Thesituationhadbeenbadtostartwith,butnowitwasworsethanIcouldimagine.
Nicholasemergedfromthegasstationwithafullbagandhandedbandages,alcohol,andabottleofpainrelievertoJennaandLion.Oneoftheguysfightinghadsplitopenherforehead.Lioncleanedherupandmadesureshewasallright.
Nicholascamearoundtotheothersideofthecar.Hetookoutalcoholandabandagewithoutbotheringtolookatme.Heemptiedabottleofwateronhishead,shookouthishair,andthenopenedmydoor.Itriedtogetout.Icouldtakecareofmyownwounds.Buthewouldn’tletme.
“Givemeyourhands,”hesaidinaninexpressivetone.Hislipwasdestroyed,thebruiseonhischeekawful.Andallofithadbeenmyfault.Ifeltaknotinmystomach.
“I’msorry,”IwhisperedsosoftlyIdidn’tevenknowwhetherhe’dheard
Hetookoneofmyhandsanddelicatelycleansedthewound,whichwasfullofbloodanddirt.
Ididn’tknowwhattosay.I’dhavepreferredheyellatmeortellmehowstupidandterribleIwas,butinstead,hejusttendedtomyinjuries.Behindus,JennaandLionweretalkingsoftly,sweetly.Shewasnowlookingafterhim.Nicholaslookedatmeonlyoncebeforewalkingaroundtothedriver’sseat.Minuteslater,wewerebackontheroad.Noonesaidaword,notevenJennaorLion.
ItwasthenthatIrealizedIhadfuckedupbad.14Nick
Fourdayslater,andIstillhadn’tshownupathome.Afterwhathappenedattheraces,Ididn’twanttoevenstickmyheadin.Iwasn’tsurehowI’dreactwhenIcameface-to-facewithNoahagain.Asmallpartofmewantedtostrangleherandmakeherpayforwhatherstupidlittlegamehadcostme.Mycar,myblackFerrari,whichhadcostmorethantwohundredthousanddollars,andthedefinitiveendofmytrucewithRonnie’sgang.Thatfuckerhadtriedtoshootusintheback.IstillrememberedthefeelinginmychestasIheardtheshotandNoahscreaminginthebackseat.Ihadn’twantedtolookback.IhadbeenscaredatwhatI’dfind;I’dneverknownthatkindoffearbefore.Andallthatbecausesomedumbgirlhadbeenincapableevenonceofpayingattentiontowhatshewastold.
WhenIhadseenherrace,Ihadfeltcompletelypowerless.Ihadnoideawhereshe’dlearnedtodrivelikethat,butshehadsurebeatenRonnie’sass.Ihadtoadmirethewayshe’dtakenthatsecondcurve—notevenIwouldhavehadtheballstohititatthatspeed—butallthattoldmewashowlittlesurvivalinstinctshehad.
AndthenIcouldn’tgetoutofmyheadthatkissI’dgivenherorhowmuchIwantedtodoitagain.Icouldn’tforgetthosefull,savorylips,thatbody…Theydrovemewild.
Dammit.
Icouldn’tgohome;Ididn’tknowhowI’dact.Onepartofme,thepervertedone,theonethatclearlydidn’tneedmyheadtothink,wantedtograbthatgirlwithherblondhairandhoney-coloredeyesanddoitalltoher,makeherpayforlosingmymosttreasuredpossession;theotherwantedtomakeherafraidtoevenbenearme,toevenbreathetooloudlywhenIwasintheroom.Thefirstoptionwasthemoreattractive,andadmittingitmademehatemyself.
I’dbeenpartyingforfourdaysstraight,stayinguptilltheearlymorningandalwayswakingupwithadifferentgirl.RonnieandIweredoneforeverafterwhathadhappened,andIwasworriedabouthowhe’dactthenexttimewesaweachother,whichwouldhappensoonerratherthanlater,sincewemovedinthesamecircles.
Amazing.Thatgirlhadscrewedupeverythinginnotimewhatsoever,andtomakeitworse,IstillhadtoseehereverydamnmorningonceIreturnedhome.
IwenthomeonceI’dfixedthebackwindshieldofmycar.Iwasinabadmood,anditwasabouttogetworse.Iparkedinmyspot,putonmysunglasses—myhangoverwaskillingme—andwalkedtothedoor,thinkingI’djustdisappearintomyroomfortherestoftheday,butnodice.AssoonasIwalkedin,IheardashoutcomingfromthekitchenthatmademecurseundermybreathandprayforthepatienceI’dneedtoputupwiththatmoment.
Iwalkedslowlytothekitchen,wheremystepmother,herdaughter,andJennawerehavingbreakfastattheisland.Noah—mypersonalblondhell.Sheseemedthrownoffwhenshesawmewalkin.Herskinwastan,herhairblonderandmorecolorfulthanthelasttimeI’dseenher.Shewaswearingaswimsuit,butatowelwrappedunderherarmpitscoveredupmostofit.Shewasdrippingwaterontothecounteroverherbowlofcereal.Jennawasdoingbasicallythesame,butwithnotowelandwiththatwelcomingsmileshereservedforfriendsandfamily.
Sotheywerefriendsnow?
“Nick,you’refinallyback.Youdadwascallingyoualldayyesterday,”Raffaellasaidgently,butherfaceseemedtotellmeshe’dbeenupallnight.UnlikeNoah,whoseemedhappytojustthrowonwhatever,shetookgoodcareofherappearanceandhadpulledherplatinumhairbackandwaswearingasuitofneatlyironedwhitelinen.
ShewastakinghernewroleasMrs.WilliamLeisterseriously.
“I’vebeenbusy,”Isaid,cuttingheroffasIwalkedtothefridgeandtookoutabeer.
“What’sthedeal,Nick?Youaren’tgoingtosayhi?”Jennasaid,turningaroundinherchairtofaceme.
Igaveheranastylook.JennaknewperfectlywellthatIwasn’tinthemood.Whydidn’tsheactlikeNoahandjustshutupandeathercereal?
Igrunted,broughtthebeertomylips,andnoticedhowNoahwastryingtoactcompletelyunaffectedbymypresence.
“Nicholas,yourfatherwascallingbecausewe’regoingtoNewYorktonight,”Raffaellasaid,gettingmyattention.“He’sgotaconference,andhewantsmetogo.I’dlikeitifyoucouldstayherewithNoah.Idon’twantherallaloneinsuchabighouse,and—”
“Mom,ItoldyouI’mfine,”mystepsistersaidwithascowl.“Icanstayherebymyself.Anyway,Jennawillstayhereandkeepmecompany,right,Jenna?”
Jennanodded,shrugging,lookingfirstatmeandthenatNoah.Soshewastryingtoignoremeandshewantedmetoleave.Interesting.
“I’llstay,”Isaid,notreallyknowingwhatIwasgettinginto.
Bythefaceshemadeinresponse,IcouldtellNoahwouldhaveratherbeenanywherebuttherejustthen.
“Thankyou,Nick.Thatreallymakesmefeelbetter,”Raffaellasaid,gettingupandtakingonelastsipofcoffee.“I’mgoingtogopackmybags.I’llseeyouallbeforeIgo.”Andwiththat,sheleft.
“Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutme.Iknowhowtotakecareofmyself,”Noahsaid.
Iwalkedoverandsatdownnexttoher.
“Iverymuchdoubtthat,butthat’snotwhyI’mstaying,”Isaid,staringherstraightintheeye.“Ithinkit’sthatImissedyou,Freckles.Yougoingtomakemeloseanothertwohundredthousanddollarstoday?”
Noahtookafewdeepbreathsandstartedbabblingaresponse,andIdecidedtobringhertorturetoanend.
“Relax.Iwasn’tbeingseriousanyway.Youcouldn’tpaymebackinyourwildestdreams.”AsIspoke,Irealizedmyangerandmydesireforherweregrowinginconcert.Ilookeddowninvoluntarilyathercleavage,wetfromthepool,andathertattoo,whichdrovemecompletelywild.
“Areyoutellingmeyou’regoingtoforgetit?”sheaskedincredulously.
“Let’ssayI’llfindanotherwayforyoutopaymeback.”Rightaway,IrealizedIwasflirtingwithheragain.Dammit.
“Look,howaboutwegobacktothebeginning?I’llignoreyou,youcanignoreme,andeveryonewillbehappy.”
IglancedoveratJenna,whohadanexpressionofintrigue,withalittlesmilefloweringacrossherfleshylips.
Iturnedaroundandwalkedouttotheyard.15Noah
SeeinghimhitmelikeatonofbricksafterthosefourdayswhenI’dmanagedtomoreorlessforgetwhathadhappenedattheracesandhadtriedtoavoidthinkingabouthim—andwhenIdidthinkofhim,Ifeltastrange,unpleasantsensationinmystomach.IknewI’dmadehimlosehisprizepossessionandthattheycouldhavekilledusthatnight,butitwasn’tallmyfault.Ifithadn’tbeenforDancheatingonme,I’dneverhavegone;plus,thatthugRonniehadtrickedme,hadmademethinkIwasallowedtocompete,anditwasonlyoncehesawmewinthathe’dtakenadvantageofthestupidrulestokeepthefifteenthousanddollarsandNick’scar.
Ithoughtitwouldtakedays,months,yearsuntilthatlittlerichkidwouldforgivemeandforgetwhatIhaddone,butitturnedoutthatdespiteallthethingsI’dimaginedNickwouldsaytome,hewasthereandtheslateseemedtobewipedclean.
Butmakingmepaysomeotherway—thathadtobeajoke,right?
Ididn’tknowwhattothinkanymore,andIalsodidn’twanttospendtoolongtryingtofigureoutwhatNicholasLeisterwouldaskmetodotomakeupforthis.Jesus—twohundredthousanddollars.IwassureI’dneverseethatmuchmoneyinmylife.Onlysomeoneasrichashimcouldblowsomethinglikethatoff,andevenifIknewthatcarwasjustatoyforhim,oneofmanyhecouldbuy,Ifeltrelievedandthankfulthathewaswillingtoforgiveme.
I’dspentthepastfewdaystryingtogetusedtolifeinthathouse,fullofremorseandallkindsofothermixed-upfeelings.Theworstpart,thesourceofmysorrow,wasknowingthatmyboyfriendhaddecidedtocheatonme.Andnowhewascallingmeandsendingmethousandsofmessagestryingtogetmetoforgivehimandevengetbacktogetherwithhim.
Everytimemyphonerang,myheartstopped,andwhenitstartedagain,thebeatshurtlikeahammerblow.AllthattimeIspentsunbathingremindedmeofthethingsthattiedmetomycity,myhome,andhowthatwasallgoneforever.Thatwaswhatpainedmemost.Mybestfriendhaddecidedtocastasideourfriendshipforaguy,myguy,andhehadthegalltoaskmetoforgivehim.Washecrazy?
TherewasnowayI’deverspeakwitheitherofthemagain,nowayI’deverbesostupidtothrowmyselfatsomeguy’sfeet.Menhadgivenmeenoughproblems,andhereIwas,livingwithanattractive,dangerousguywithaparallellifethatnoonewithhalfabrainwouldbothergettingcloseto.
“YoumustbeNick’sworstnightmare,”Jennasaid.Shetookapackofcigarettesoutfrombetweenherbreastsandlitone.Icouldn’thelpbutlookaroundtoseeifMomwasnearby.
JennawastheonegoodthingI’dgottenoutofthatdisastrousnight.Herjoy,hersenseofhumor,hadmadethepastfewdayseasier.Shetoldmethatshe’dknownNicholassincehewasaboy.Infact,shewasthepersonwhoknewhimbest.
Accordingtoher,mynewstepbrotherwasanincorrigibleman-whorewhothoughtaboutnothingbutparties,drinking,havingfun,sex,andbeatingRonnieasmanytimesashehadtoforpeopletorealizehewastherealkingofthenightaroundhere.
Noneofthatsurprisedme,buttherewasonethingthatdid,evenifshecouldn’ttellmemuchaboutit.WhenNicholaswaseighteen,helefthisfather’shomeforawhileandwaslivingatLion’splaceinaroughpartoftownandgettingintoallkindsoftrouble.Thatwaswherehe’dmetallthosedelinquentswholivedalifeofcrime.Lionwasoneofthefriendsheheldontofromthatperiod.
Iwasshocked.Mymothermusthavehadnoidea.Ifshedid,she’dhavetoldme.NowIunderstoodhowaguyfromarichfamilylikeNickhadwoundupinthekindofshadybusinessI’dseenthetwonightsI’dhungoutwithhim.
“Whydoyousaythat?”IaskedJenna,distracted,lookingdownintomybowlofcereal.
“Haveyouseenyourself?”sheasked,andIfeltslightlyoffended.“You’rethetypicalgoodgirlwho’sneverevenbrokenadish,andallofthesuddenyouhopinacar,winarace,andgetusallintoashitloadoftrouble.You’renotexactlywhatI’dcallpredictable,Noah,I’dbetyouanythingrightnowNickisthinkingofgivingittoyoueverywhichwayrightontopofthiscountertotrytogetoverhisfrustrationatlosinghiscar.That’showheusuallysolveshisproblems.He’snotthetypetojustforgetit.”Shemadeairquotesasshesaidtheselastwordsandlaughedasshelookedatmystunnedexpression.
“Comeon!”shesaid.“Don’ttellmeitneverevencrossedyourmind.IfIhadn’tknownhimsinceIwasindiapers,I’dbethrowingmyselfathim,too,justlikeeveryothergirlinthistown.”
Inmymind,Istartedre-creatingthatkisswehadgiveneachotheronthehoodofthecar.Itwasn’tthefirsttimeI’drememberedit,andmybodyalwaysreactedbyshiveringandwishinghishandswouldcaressmeagain…butthatjustmeantIhadeyes!
“BelievemewhenIsaythis—I’mnotlettinghimgiveittomeanywhere.I’veknownenoughprettyfacestolastalifetime.Guyslikethatwillscrewyouoverthefirstchancetheyget.JustlookatmyboyfriendDan.”
“Ex-boyfriendDan,”shecorrectedme,takingadragfromhercigarette.“You’reright,guyslikehimaredangerous,butthatdoesn’tmeanyoushouldn’tenjoywhattheycanofferyoutogetoveryouroldguy.Whosaysawomancan’tsleepwithaguyforthesimplepleasureofdoingit?You’resingle,you’repretty,it’ssummer.Enjoyitanddon’tthinktoomuch.”
Ilaughedoutloud.Jennawascrazy!Iwasn’tthatkindofgirl.
“HowaboutwedropthesubjectoftheLeistersandyoupromisetostayovertonight,”Isaid.IfIhadtospendthreedaysalonewithNicholasinthatgigantichouse,I’ddiebeforeMondayarrived.
Jennathoughtitover.
“Nickwillalmostcertainlyinvitetheguys,whichmeansLionwillbehere,andifyouaddinthealcoholandmusic…”Herfingersdrummedhercheek.“ThenI’min!”Shesmiled.
Thatputmeinagoodmood.WithJennanexttome,thedayswouldpassquicker,andthatwaswhatIneededjustthen:forthedaystoflybywithouthavingtothinkaboutwheretheyweretakingme.
JustasJennahadsaid,afewhourslaterthehousewaspuremadness.Itwasn’teven9:00p.m.whenthedoorbellstartedringing.Abunchofguysandgirlswithbeerkegssoonrolledin.Whenheheardtheracket,Nicholaspeekedoutoverthetopofthestairstoinviteeveryonein,tellingthemtoputonthemusic.
Drinksflowedlikewater,andthemusicboomedfromspeakersIcouldn’tevensee.Ifeltoutofplaceinmyathleticshortswithmyhairpulledback.Jennahadgonehometochangeandstillwasn’tback,soIwenttomyroomtotrytofreshenupalittle,lookingthroughmyclosettoseeiftherewassomethingthatwouldbecomfortableandstillnicetowear.
IfoundapairofblackshortsthatfitmelikeasecondskinandanorangetopthatlookedgreatwiththetanIwasstartingtoget.Satisfied,Iletmyhairdown,threwonsomeflats—tohellwithwearingheelsinmyownhome—andranoffwhenIheardanotherdoorbellringoverthemusic.
BeforeIgotthere,Jennahadalreadycomeinalongwithherboyfriend,Lion.Thetwoofthemwereaspectacle.Shehadn’tskimpedonthehighheels,butshewasalittleshorterthanherboyfriendinhisjeansandbaggyblackT-shirt.
Jennahurriedoverwithasmile.
“Girl,youarefine,”shesaid.“Youalreadygotyoureyeonsomeone?It’dbeashametoletthatbodygotowaste!”sheshouted,makingmeblushandgiggleatthesametime.
“Let’sgetadrink.I’mparched,”Lionsaid.He’dalreadywavedtoseveralguyswhocameovertobumpfistswithhim.
Inthekitchen,Jennawentstraightforthebeerkeg,andwhenshehandedmeafoamycup,Itookithappily.Itwasgood,crisp,refreshing,andIwashappyforadistractiontohelpmeforgetmyex.
AsIdrank,mymindwashedawaythebadfeelingsandtheimageofDan,soblond,sohandsome,howhishandsusedtocaressmewhenwewerealoneorhowhe’dkissmeonthenoseinthewintertimeandlaugh,sayingIlookedlikeareindeer.Itwasstupidtokeepdwellingonthosethings,butthathadbeenninemonthsofmylife.Notsomany,maybe,butthey’dbeenintense.I’dlovedhim.He’dbeenmyfirstrealboyfriend,andhimcheatingonmewithsomeonewhomatteredsomuchtome…themerefactthathe’dcheatedonme…
NowIwaspissed.Iwentbackforanotherbeer.Justthen,anemailpoppeduponmyphone.IassumeditwouldbeDan,butwhenIlooked,IsawitwasthesamepersonwhohadsentmethephotoofDanandBethkissing.Whoeverthatwas,theyobviouslywantedtotormentmebecausethesubjectlineread:
MOREEVIDENCEOFDECEPTIONFORYOU.
Iclickedonthefile,myheartracing,butbeforeIcouldseeanything,myphonedied.Shit.Nobattery.Ishouldhavefigured;alldayI’dbeengettingmessagesandcallsfromDanthatI’dtriedtoignore.Withmynervesfrayed,preytosomemasochisticinstinct—becauseifitwasn’tthat,whyinthehellwouldIwanttoseemorepicturesofmyboyfriendcheatingonme?—IsawNick’siPhoneonthetableinthelivingroom.Thereweretonsofpeoplearound,sonoonenoticedwhenIgrabbeditandwalkedofftoacornerclosetoWill’soffice.MyhandswereshakingsomuchIcouldhardlyhitthekeys,andIhadtorewritemyemailaddresslikefivetimes.WhenIfinallyentereditandmypasswordcorrectly,Iopenedthefile,andthere,alongwiththephotoI’dalreadyseen,weretonsofsnapshotsofDanandBethhookingupatthesameparty.I’dassumedthatwaswherehe’dcheatedonmeforthefirsttime…butno.Thereweremoreoftheminotherplaces,evenselfies,withtheirarmsstretchedout,theirlipsswollen,theireyesgleaming.Igotsomadlookingatthemthatthefuryandpainalmostmademedropthephoneonthefloor.
Thatwaswhensomeonecameupbehindme.
“Whatthehellareyoudoingwithmyphone?”
Ijumped,andbeforeIcouldcloseoutthescreen,Nicholasgrabbedthephoneoutofmyhandsandstartedlookingatthepictureswithascowl.
“Giveit!”Isaid,feelingmyselfstartingtodrowninmymisfortunes.
Hesmiledmischievously.
“Didyouforgetit’smine?”hereplied,engrossedinthescreen.
Iturnedaroundtowalkoff.IknewIwasclosetolosingit;IcouldfeelitinthetremorinmyhandsandthestinginmyeyesthatIfelteverytimeIwantedtocry.
Ahandgrabbedmyarm.
IturnedaroundtoseeNick’seyesboringintome.
“Whyareyoulookingatthisshit?Areyouamasochistorwhat?”heasked,disgusted,puttinghisphoneinhisbackpocketandgrabbingmyarm.IguessIwasn’ttheonlyoneaskingthatquestion.
“Maybe.Buteitherway,you’rethelastpersonIwanttoseerightnow,”Isaid,thinkinghewastheperfectpersontotakemybadmoodouton.
Hegavemeastrangelook,almostasifheactuallywantedtounderstandwhatwasgoingoninmyhead.
“What’supwiththat,Freckles?”
Irolledmyeyesatthatdamnednicknamehe’dgivenme.
“Let’ssee,”Isaidsarcastically.“SinceIgothere,allyou’vedoneistalkbadaboutme,threatenme,leavemestrandedinthemiddleofnowhere,actlikeahorndog,and…oh,Iforgot!Letsomeonedrugme!”Icountedtheseepisodesoffonmyfingers.
“Sonowit’smyfaultthatyourassholeboyfriendcheatedonyou,”hesaid,lettingmegoandobservingmeasifhefoundthewholethingfunny.
“I’mjustpissedoffatlifeingeneral,soleavemealone,okay?”Isaid,readytowalkpasthimandgotomyroom.Hestoodinmywayandgrabbedmearoundthewaistwithonearm.BeforeIknewwhatwashappening,hepushedmeintoWill’soffice,closedthedoor,andlookedmeintheeye.Theroomwasdarkexceptforthelightofthemooncominginthroughthewindowsbehindthedeskandchairs.
IexhaledalltheairIhadinmylungswhenhesteppedforwardandtrappedmeagainstthedoor.WhenIlookedcloselyathim,Isawhowdrunkhewas.
“Stopthinkingaboutthatasshole,”hesaid,pushingmyhairbackandkissingtheskinofmyshoulder.
Itwasasunexpectedasitwasintense.Itremindedmeofthekissattheraces.Whathadstartedassimplevengeancehadturnedintoapleasurable,excitingkiss…andnowthesamethingwashappeningagain.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskedwhenhislipsstartedtoslowlyclimbmyneck,leavingatrailoflittlehotpecksuntilhereachedmyear.IhadtoclosemyeyeswhenIfelthisteethdiggingintome.
“I’mshowingyouhowgoodlifecanbe,”heresponded,hisbreathingacceleratingashereachedahandundermyshirtandstartedstrokingmyback,softlyatfirstandthenpressingmeintohisfirmbody.
Hecouldn’tknowwhathewasdoing.Hadheforgottenwhomhewaskissing?Wehatedeachother,evenmorenowthatIhadlosthisfavoritetoyandhisarchenemyhadfiredagunathisback.Itwasmyfault…butifallthatwastrue,whycouldn’tIstopenjoyingthesehot,unexpectedcaresses?
“I’vebeenholdingbackwithyou…Dammit,you’restuckinmyhead,andIcan’tstopthinkingofyou,”hesaid,pickingmeupeasilyandforcingmetowrapmylegsaroundhisback.
Ididn’tevenhavetimetoassimilatehiswordsbecauseallatonce,hislipswereovermine,ardent,possessive,kissingmeinawaynooneeverhad.
Itwasstrange,feelinghimthisway,especiallyafterhowhe’dactedjustafewhoursbefore,butmythoughts,myfeelings,myproblems,anythingthathadaffectedmeinthepast,allthatwasinthebackgroundnowbecause—myGod!—thatboyknewexactlywhathewasdoing.
Histonguejuttedagainstminepassionately,andhisbreathwasintoxicating.Withoutrealizingit,Irespondedinkind.Myhandswrappedaroundhisneckandpulledhimintome,asifheweremyoxygen…acontradiction,sincethewayhewaskissingmemadeitalmostimpossibletobreathe.
Ipulledhishair,makinghimleanhisheadbacksoIcouldcatchmybreath.HegruntedfromthepainwhenIhadtopullharderbecauseherefusedtotakehismouthawayfrommine.
Wewerepanting,andhisblueeyeslookedstraightintominewhileItriedtocontrolthewavesofburningpleasureflowingthroughmybodyfromheadtotoe.Mylegswerestillaroundhim,andhepulledmeintohimtightlyasifhecouldn’tbearforanyspacetoexistbetweenourtwobodies.
“You’rerough,”Igasped,unabletocontainmyself.NotthatIcared—we’donlybeeninthereforfiveminutes,andhealreadyhadmeinthepalmofhishand.
“Andyou’reunbearable.”
Icouldn’tsayanythingback—hislipsweretooquicktoattack.
Allthatwastoointense.Ifelthimallover.Oneofhishandsstartedunbuttoningmytopwhiletheothergrippedmythighs.Hestartedwalkingtotheright,probablyintendingtolaymeoutonthedeskthere,butIpulledhimtowardme,andmybackstruckthewall.Iheardaclick,andthelightscameon,illuminatingeverythingaroundusandourselveswithpainfulclarity.
Itwasasifsomeonehaddumpedcoldwateronourheads.Nicholasstopped,lookedatmesurprised,breathinghardlikeme,andrealityimposeditselfonthephysicalattractionofourbodies.Nicholasleanedhisforeheadintomineandclosedhiseyesforafewsecondsthatseemedinterminable.
“Shit!”heexclaimed,droppingme.Heturnedaroundandwalkedoutthedoorwithoutlookingback.
RealityhitmesohardthatmylegsgaveoutfromundermeandIfelltothefloor,leanedbackagainstthewall,andhuggedmyknees.OnlythendidIstarttograspwhatwe’ddone.
HookingupwithNicholaswouldn’tsolveanything.Itwouldn’tundoDan’scheatingonme,itwouldn’tfillupthesolitudeoflivinginthatplacewithoutfamilyorfriends,anditcertainlywouldn’thelpthetwoofusgetalonganybetter.ThatepisodewithNickcouldonlymeanonething:problems16Nick
Inside,Iwasburning.Ineverypossiblesenseoftheword.Fordays,Ihadn’tbeenabletostopthinkingofthatkissattheraces,anditwasruiningmymood.Seeingherinmyownhome,rubbingsomethingIcouldn’thaveinmyface,wasmorethanIcouldbear.Shelookedincredibletonight;Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffherbody.Herlegs,herbreasts,herlong,shimmeringhair…Icouldn’ttakeherdancinginfrontofmewithmyfriendswhileeveryguyhadhiseyeonher.I’dheardmorethanafewofthemutterobscenitiesabouther,andIwassurprisedbyhowmuchitaffectedme.Iwasusuallythefirstonetosaystufflikethatwhenahotchickwasaround,butpeopletalkingaboutNoahthatwaydrovememad.
WhenI’dseenherwithmyphoneandrealizedwhatphotosshewaslookingat,I’dfeltpityforherandrageatthepeoplehurtingher,especiallyherex-boyfriend,butthatdidn’tmeanI’dplannedtotakeherintomydad’sofficeandmakeoutwithher.Obviously,I’dhadafewtoomanydrinksanddidn’trealizewhatIwasdoinguntilthelightscameonandIsawitallclearly.Hercheekswerepink,herlipsswollenfrommykisses…Jesus,justthinkingaboutitmademewanttogobackformore.ButIcouldn’t,notwithher.Shewasmystepsister,dammit,thesamestepsisterwhowasscrewingupmyentirelifeandhadmademelosemycar.
Itriedtoclearmyheadbygoingoutside.Iwantedtostayawayfromher.Icouldn’tsleepwithsomeonewhowaslivinginmyhome,someoneI’dseeeverydayandwhojusthappenedtobethedaughterofthewomanwhohadtakenmymother’splace,aplaceI’dlearnedtoforgetaboutalongtimeago.
Istayedoutsideuntileveryonestartedtoleave.Thehousewasawreck,withplasticcupsalloverthelawn,beerbottleseverywhere—acompletedisaster.Frustrated,Iwalkedtothekitchendoor,whereIcouldseethelastfewstragglers,amongthemJennaandLion.Shewassittingonhislap,andhewaskissingherneck,makinghergiggle.
Ialmostthrewupinmymouth.Who’dhaveeverthoughtthosetwowouldendupthatway?Lionwasthesameasme;helikedwomen,parties,races,drugs…butnowhe’dturnedintoalittlegirl’slapdog.
Womenwereonlygoodforonething.Ifyouletitgopastthat,you’dhaveproblems.IknewwhatIwastalkingaboutfromexperience.
“Hey,bro!”Lionshouted,andIturnedaround.“Tomorrowthere’sabarbecueatJoe’s.Seeyouthere?”
BarbecueatJoe’s.Thatcouldonlymeanonething:apartytilldawn,hotchicks,andgoodmusic…butIhadplansforthenextday,planssixhoursawaythatexcitedanddepressedmeinequalmeasure.
“I’mgoingtoVegastomorrow,”Itoldhim,makinganambivalentfaceheinstantlyunderstood.
“Allright,man.HavefunandsayhitoMaddie,”hereplied.
“I’llseeyoubothwhenIgetback,”Isaid,andthencrossedthehouseandwalkedupstairstomyroom.TherewasasoftlightcomingfromunderNoah’sdoor,andIwonderedifshewasawake,butthenIrememberedshewasafraidofthedark.
Somedaywhenthingscalmeddown,I’daskheraboutthat.Butfornow,Ijustwantedtosleep.Thenextdaywouldbelong.
Myphonealarmwentoffat6:30inthemorning.Igroanedandturneditoff,tellingmyselfI’dneedtogettheleadoutifIwantedtobeinVegasbynoon.Ihopedalongdrivewouldhelpdispelthebadmoodthatwaslingeringfromthenightbefore.IgotoutofbedandtookaquickshowerbeforeputtingonjeansandaT-shirt,rememberingthehellishheatinNevada,whichI’dhatedsincethefirsttimeIeverwentthere.Vegaswasamazingaslongasyoustayedintheair-conditionedhotels,butoutside,noonecouldstandmorethananhourinthatdrydesertheatbeforeitgottothem.
AssoonasIwalkedpastNoah’sdooragain,thememoryofthenightbeforeassailedme.AsifIhadn’thadenoughafterdreamingofherallnightlong!
Iwalkeddownstairstothekitchenforacupofcoffee.Prett,ourcook,wouldn’tgetthereuntilten,soIhadtofigureouthowtomakeahalfwaydecentbreakfastonmyown.Atseven,Iwasinthecarandreadytotakeoff.
Withthemusicdistractingme,ItriedtoignorethefeelingthatalwaysovercamemewhenIhadtoseeMadison.IstillrememberedthedayIfoundoutshewasborn.Ithorrifiedmetothinkthatifithadn’tbeenforasimplecoincidence,mysisterandIneverwouldhavemet.Mylifehadbeenprettyfucked-upatthetime:Ihadn’tlivedwithmyfather,LionandIhadbeenroommates,andwe’dbeengettingintohellatrouble.Oneweekendwe’dgonewithsomefriendstoVegas.I’dalwayshatedVegasbecauseitwaswheremymotherlivedwithhernewhusband,RobertGrason.
Ithadbeenpainfultoseemymotheraftersevenyears,especiallywithababyinherarms.Ihadfrozen—sohadshe—andwe’dlookedateachotherforafewsecondsasifseeingghostsfromourpast.MymotherhadabandonedmewhenIwastwelve.OnedayI’dcomeoutofschool,andshehadn’tbeentheretopickmeup.Sincethenithadjustbeenthetwoofus,meandDad,nooneelse.
I’dalwayshadagoodrelationshipwithmymom,andevenif,whenI’dgrownup,Dadhadhardlyeverbeenhome,ithadbeenfinebecauseshe’dbeenenough.IcouldstillremembertheholeinmyheartwhenIrealizedI’dneverseeherthereagain.
Butthatsorrowhadsoonturnedtohatredtowardmymotherandwomeningeneral.TheonlypersonwhowassupposedtolovemeaboveallelsehadtradedmeforamillionairehotelmogulinVegaswhosenamemyfatherhadclearedafterhe’dbeenaccusedoffraudtothetuneoftensofmillionsofdollars.
DadhadtoldmethewholestorywhenIwasoldenough.Mymotherhadneverbeenhappywithhim.She’dlovedme,butwitheverydaythathadpassed,she’dbecomemoreandmoreobsessedwithmoney.Ithadn’tbeenenoughtobemarriedtooneofthemostprestigiouslawyersandbusinessmeninAmerica—no,she’dwantedtogetinthebedofthatfraudsterGrason.Themanwho’dforbiddenhertoseemeorhaveanycontactwithmyfather.Andwhenshe’dagreed,thathadbeentheendofanyrelationshipbetweenus.
Thatmeantmyfatherhadgottenfullcustodyandmymotherhadrenouncedallparentalrights.Whenthingshadgottenweirdwaswhenwe’dseeneachotheragain.Ihadknownthatgirlwiththeblondhairandblueeyeswasmysister,andevenifI’dwantedtopretendIdidn’tcare,atacertainpoint,I’drealizeditmeantsomethingtome.
Ihadtoldmyfather,andhehadbeenevenmoresurprisedthanme.He’daskedmewhatIwantedtodo.IfI’dwantedtogettoknowherorhavesomekindofrelationshipwithher,he’dpromisedtohelp.
DadandIhadn’tbeengettingalonggreatatthetime.He’dgottenmeoutofjailtwice,andIhadbeentotallyoutofpocket.ThepretextofhelpingmewithMadisonhadgottenhimwhathewanted:tokeepmeonashortleash.
Aftermonthsstrugglingwiththelawyers,thejudgehadgottenmepermissiontoseemysistertwiceaweek,aslongasIhadherhomebyseven.MomandIhadnocontactwhatsoever—itwasasocialworkerwhobroughtMadisontomesoIcouldpickherupandspendtimewithher.Becauseofthedistance,Ididn’tgettoseeheroften,butatleasttwiceamonth,I’dtakeheroutandenjoythecompanyoftheonlygirlI’ddecidedtoopenmyheartto.
ThatmeantIhadtogiveupthelifeI’dknownbeforethen.Ihadtogobackhome,returntocollege,andpromisenottogetwrappedupinanymoreproblems.Myfatherwasunequivocal:ifIscrewedup,nomorevisitswithMadison.
MomandIdidn’tseeeachotherafterthetrial,butitwasimpossibletoactlikeshedidn’texist.Mysistertalkedaboutherallthetimeandtoldherthingsaboutme.ThatwastheworstthingbecauseitmeantIcouldneverreallybreakofftherelationship.Thepainwouldalwaysbethere,hiddendeepinmysoul.Intheend,she’dalwaysbemymom.
Fourandahalfhourslater,Istoppedattheparkwheremysisteralwayswaitedformewiththesocialworker.ImadesurethepresentIhadforherwasvisibleinthepassengerseat,andIgotout,walkingtowardthefountaininthemiddleofthepark,wheretherewerekidsrunningaroundandplaying.I’dneverbeenafanoflittlekids,andIstillhatedhowtheyweresowhinyandneedy,butoneofthosewhiny,needylittlekidshadcapturedmyheart
Icouldn’thelpsmilingwhenIsawherlittleblondheadfrombehind.Justthenshewasbendingoverthefountain,notintheleastafraidoffallingin.
“Hey,Maddie!”Ishouted,gettingherattentionandwatchinghereyesswellasshesawmethere,tenfeetaway.“Youthinkingoftakingadip?”Iasked.Ahugegrincrossedherangelface,andsheranovertowardme.
“Nick!”sheshriekedasshereachedme.Ibentoverandliftedherintheair.Hergoldencurlsflewout,andherblueeyes,justlikemine,gazedatmefullofexcitement.“Youcame!”Shewrappedherlittlearmsaroundmyneck.
Ihuggedhertight.Thatlittlegirlhadmywholeheartinherhands.
“OfcourseIcame,it’snoteverydayagirlturnsfiveyearsold.Whatdoyouexpect?”Isetheronthegroundandplacedapalmontopofherhead.“You’rehuge!Howmuchhaveyougrown?Atleastthirtyorfortyfeet!”Isaid,seeingtheprideonherface.
“Morethanthat,morelikeahundwedtwenty!”shesaid,hoppingupanddown.
“Wow!Soonyou’llevenbetallerthanme,”Isaidasthetall,tubbywomanwiththefolderunderherarmcameover.
“What’sup,Anne?”Iaskedthewomanoverseeingmyvisitswithmylittlesister.
“Gettingby,”shesaidinherusualexpressionlesstone.“I’vegottonsofworktoday,soI’dbeappreciativeifyou’dbringyoursisterbackontime,notaminuteearlierorlater,okay,Nicholas?Wedon’twantarepeatoflasttime,dowe?”
Lasttime,mysisterhadcriedsomuchwhenI’dtoldherIhadtogothatI’dendedupanhourandahalflatetomyappointmentwithAnne.Allhellhadbrokenloose:she’dcalledthecops,SocialServices…andI’dalmostlostmyrighttoevenseeMadison.
“Relax,I’llbehereatseven,”Isaidtocalmherdown,pickingMaddieupandtakinghertomycar.
“Youknowwhat,Nick?”shesaid,runningherfingersthroughmyhair.Sinceshe’dbeenoldenoughtodoit,herfavoritepastimehadbeenmessingupmyhair.
“What?”Iasked.Despiteourjokingearlier,mysisterwassmallerthannormalforherage.Shesufferedfromtype1diabetes.Herpancreasdidn’tproduceanyinsulin.Fortwoyears,she’dhadtotakeshotsthreetimesaday,andwe’dhadtobeverycarefulaboutwhatsheate.Itwasacommondisease,butthatdidn’tmeanitwasn’tdangerous.Madisonhadtokeepabloodsugarmonitoronheratalltimes,andifherglucoselevelsgotoutofwhack,wehadtogivehershotsorfood.
“MomsaidIcaneatahamburgertoday,”sherepliedwitharadiantsmile.
Ifrownedather.Mysisterdidn’tlie,butIdidn’twanttotaketheriskoflettinghereatsomethingthatwouldmakeherfeelbad.AndIdefinitelywasn’tgoingtocallhermomtofindoutifshewastellingthetruth.ContactslikethathadtogothroughAnne,andshehadn’tsaidanythingtome.
“Maddie,Annedidn’ttellmeanythingaboutthat,”IsaidasIputherinthedriver’sside.Sheopenedhereyeswideandstaredatme.
“ButMamasaidIcould,”sheinsisted.“Shesaidit’smybirthdayandIcangotoMcDonald’s.”
Isighed.Ididn’twanttoforcemysistertomissoutonsomethingalllittlekidslike.Ihatedthatshecouldn’tjustenjoyanormallife.I’dhadtogiveherinjectionsinthestomach,andIhatedthebruisesthatthecontinualinjectionsleftonherpaleskin.
“Fine,I’llcallAnneandseewhatshesays,”Itoldher,openingthetrunkofthecarandtakingoutthecarseat.
“Nick,willyouplaywithmetoday?”sheasked.Itwasevidenttomethatthecaretakerswhowereraisingmysisterdidn’tliketoplaythegamessheliked.Mymotherwasneverhome;shewasalwaysofftravelingwithherdickheadhusband,andmysisterspenttoomuchtimewithpeoplewhodidn’tloveherasshedeserved.
“Speakingofplaying,I’vegotapresentforyou,Princess,”IsaidasIadjustedtheseat.Istretchedouttograbtheroundpackagewrappedinshinypaperwithabigbowthatthesalesattendantatthestorehadwrappedforme.
“Yay!”sheshouted,jumpingupanddown.
Withasmile,Ihandedthegifttoher.Itscontentscouldn’thavebeenmoreobvious.
Shescratchedoffthepaperlikeananimal,revealingthefuchsia-coloredsoccerball.
“Ooh,pretty,”shesaid.“Iloveit,Nick!It’spink,butit’sareallyprettypink,it’snotthatlittlebabypinkMomlikessomuch.PlusMomneverletsmeplaysoccer,butIcanplaywithyou,right?”sheshouted,almostburstingmyeardrums.
WhatcouldIsay?Mysisterlovedsoccer,waymorethananyofthosecheesydollsherparentswouldn’tstopbuyingher.
Ilookedatherbluedress,herpatent-leathershoes,andherlaceleggings.
“Whodressedyou?”Iasked,pickingherupagain.Shewaslightasafeather;sheprobablyweighedlessthantheballI’djustgivenher.Shewaslikemymotherinthatway,andjustlookingatMadisonalwaysgavemeanacheinmychest.ShewasaconsolationinawayforlosingmymotherwhenIwassoyoung.Theonlywayssheresembledmewereherbrightblueeyesandherdarklashes.Sheevenhadmymother’sdimples!
Maddiegavemeasourlook—alookshe’dclearlylearnedfromme.
“MissLillianwouldn’tletmeputonmysocceruniform.Itoldheryouandmeplayedtogether,andshechewedmeoutandsaidIshouldn’tbedoingexercisebecauseI’llgetsick,butit’snottrue,IcanplaywithyouaslongasI’vehadmyshot.Youknowthat.Wecanplay,right,Nick,can’twe?”
“Easy,kiddo,ofcoursewecanplay,andyoucantellLillianthatwhenI’mhere,we’llplaywhateverwewant,gotit?I’llgetyousomeclothessowecandoitwithoutmessingupyourdress.”Ikissedheronthecheekandstrappedherintotheseat.Shewouldn’tstaystill;shekepttoyingwiththeball,anditwasseveralsecondsbeforeIfinallyhadhersnugandcouldreturntothedriver’sseat.
IcalledAnnealongthewayandaskedaboutthehamburger,andshesaidyes,McDonald’swasfine.Oncethatproblemwasresolved,ItalkedtoMadisonwhileIdrovetomyfavoriteMcDonald’sinLasVegas.BeforeIgotherout,Igrabbedherbackpackwiththeinjectionshehadtotakeeverydayatthesamehourbeforelunch.
“Ready?”Iaskedher,andliftedherdress,pinchingabitofskinunderherbellybuttonandbringingtheneedleclosetohertranslucentskin.
Hereyesalwayswatered,butshenevercomplained.Mysisterwasbrave,andIhatedherhavingthatdisease.IfIcouldhave,Iwouldhavehaditinherplacewithoutasecond’shesitation,butlifewaslikethat:unfair.
“Yeah,”shewhispered.
Tenminuteslater,wewereeating,surroundedbylotsoflaughterandpeoplewithscreamingchildren.
“Isitgood?”Iasked,watchinghergetketchupalloverherface.
Shenodded.Itwasnicetoseehereating.
“Youknowwhat,Nick?SoonI’llbegoingtoschool,”shesaid,stuffinghermouthwithfries.“Momsaidit’llbelotsoffunandI’llmeettonsofnewkids.Momsayswhenyoustartedschoolyouusedtogetinfightswithgirlslikemebecausetheywantedtobeyourgirlfriendandyoudidn’twanttobecauseyousaidtheyweredumb.”
Itriedtoconcealmyangeratknowingmymotherwastalkingaboutmeasifshe’dbeenthereforme,agoodmotherandnotonewhohadleftmewhenI’dneededhermost.
“That’strue,butthatwon’thappentoyoubecauseyou’rewaymorefunthanothergirls,”Isaid,takingasipofmyCoke.
“I’mnevergoingtohaveaboyfriend,”sheaffirmed,andIcouldn’thelpbutchuckle.“Doyouhaveagirlfriend,Nick?”
Fornoapparentreason,Noah’sfaceappearedinmymind.Ididn’thaveagirlfriend,butIwouldhavelikedtodowithherthethingsyoudidwithagirlfriend.Jesus—whatthehellwasIthinking?
“No,Idon’thaveagirlfriend,”Isaid.“You’retheonlygirlforme.”Ibentoverandtuggedoneofhercurls.
Maddiesmiled,andwewentontalking.Itwasfuntochatwithher.Ifeltrelaxed—feltlikemyself.Strangely,beingwithafive-year-oldgirlbroughtmemoreinnerpeacethanbeingwithawoman.Afterlunch,ItookherforadrivearoundVegas,Iboughtheracompletepink-and-whitesocceruniform,cleatsincluded,andweaccidentallyforgotherlittledoll’soutfitinthechangingroom.Therestofthedayflewby,andbeforeIknewit,IhadtenminutesuntilAnnewouldcomepickherup.Wewerealreadyatthepark,wherewe’dbeenkickingtheballforhalfanhour.Iknewthisnextpartwouldbehard.
Mysisterwasn’tgoodatgoodbyes.Shedidn’tunderstandwhyIhadtogoorwhyIcouldn’tlivewithherthewayherfriends’brothersandsistersdid.Shewasamess,andanytimeweseparated,Iwasleftwithhorriblesorrowandanunbearableurgetotakeherwithme.
“Listen,Maddie,soonAnne’sgoingtobehere,”Isaid,sittingheronmylap.Wewerestretchedoutonthegrass,andshewasrunningherhandsthroughmyhairagain.ButwhenIsaidthat,shestopped,andherlowerlipstartedtotremble,justasIhadfeared.
“Whydoyouhavetogo?”sheaskedwithglassyeyes,andthepainstrucktothedepthsofmyheart.
“Hey,whyareyoucrying?”Isaid.“WealwayshavesuchfunwhenIcomehere.IfIlivedhereallthetime,you’dgetboredofme.”Iwipedhertearsawaywithafinger.
“Iwouldn’tgetbored,”shesaid,heavingslightly.“Youloveme,youplaywithme,andyouletmedofunstuff.Momwon’tletmedoalmostanything.”
“Mom’sjustworriedaboutyou.Anyway,IpromiseyouI’llcomemoreoften.”AsItoldherthis,IsworetomyselfIreallywould.“HowaboutItrytobeherewhenyoustartschool?”
Hereyeslitup.
“ButMomwillbethere.”
“Don’tyouworryaboutthat,”Isaid,calmingherdown,justasIsawAnnewalkingupthecobblestonetrail.
IgotupwithMaddieinmyarms,andsheturnedandsawthesocialworker.
“Don’tgo!”shescreamed,cryinglikemadandhidingherheadagainstmyneck.
“Comeon,Madison,don’tcry,”Isaid,tryingtokeepmyownfeelingsundercontrolaswell.“It’sokay.”Ihatedseeingherlikethat.Irubbedherback,tryingtoconsoleher.
“No!Staywithme!Wecankeepplaying!”shebegged.MyT-shirtwaswetwithhertears.BythenwehadreachedAnne,whostretchedoutherarmstotakeMaddieawayfromme.ButIsteppedback.Iwasn’treadytolethergo.
“Ifyoustopcrying,I’llbringyouaveryspecialpresentnexttime.Whatdoyousay?”Iproposed,butshejustwentonhowlingwithherarmswrappedtightlyaroundmyneck.Istruggledtogetfreeofher;shewasclingingwithallhermight.
“Timetohandherover,”Annesaidimpatiently.
Ihatedthatwoman.
“Maddie,you’vegottogo,”Isaid,tryingtocalmherdown.OnlyafteraminutedidIpullhardenoughtogetheroffme,andIsawherfacestreakedwithtears.Hercurlsweregluedtoherforehead.
Annatookherinherarms,andshereachedout,shoutingmyname.
“Youshouldgo,Nicholas,”Annesaid,carryingheraway.IwantedtograbMaddiefromherandtakeherfaraway,whereIcouldcareforherandgivehertheloveIknewsheneeded.
“Iloveyou,Princess,seeyousoon,”Isaid,walkingovertokissherontheheadandthenturningaroundandnotlookingback.Mysister’swailsweretheonlythingIcouldthinkofduringthesixhoursittookmetodrivebacktoLosAngeles.17Noah
Ateleventhirty,IfinallyadmittedtomyselftherewasnowayIwasgettinganysleep.SincethenightbeforeandwhathadhappenedwithNicholas,thememoryofhiskissesandhishandsallovermewouldn’tleavemeinpeace.Mymindcouldthinkofnothingbuthimandhislipspressedagainstmine.IguessedIwasgladforthedistraction.Itwasbetterthanwallowingaroundinmysorrowsandmymemoryofmylifefrombefore.
WhatIdidn’tlikewasbeingallaloneinthishugehouse.IhadnoideawhereNicholaswas,butIhadn’tseenhimleave,eventhoughI’dgottenupateight.
WhythehellshouldIcare?Ididn’tknow.Sincewhendidhislocationmattertome?Probablyhewassleepingwithoneoftheeasygirlsonhislist,notevenrememberingwhathadhappenedbetweenus.WasIaloneinthinkingitwascrazy?Wewerebrotherandsisterorsomethinglikeit!Welivedunderthesameroof,wecouldn’tstandeachother,andanymemorythatwasn’tthosekissesandcaressesmademybloodpressurerise…
ButIneededattention.Mymotherwasontheotherendofthecountry,andmyfriendsandthepeopleI’dknownallmylifewerefaraway.Everythingherewasnewtome;Ididn’tevenknowhowtogetaroundthisgiganticcity.Jennawasinseparablefromherboyfriend,soIcouldforgetabouthavingheraroundtoooften.AndIneededsomeonejustthen,someonetotalktooratleastbetheresoIwouldn’tfeelsoalone.
AtleastI’dmanagedtogetNick’sdogtolikeme.Justthen,ThorandIwerebothlyingonthesofa.Hisdark,hairyheadwasrestingonmylap,andIwasscratchinghisearsatasteadyrhythm.ThatdogwasnothinglikethewayNickhadportrayedhim:hewasasweetie,easytowinoveraslongasyouhadahandfulofdogbiscuitsattheready.Thatwashowsadmylifewas:theonepersonIcouldleanoninthishousewasn’tevenaperson,justafour-leggedcreaturethatlovedtohavehisearsscratchedandwhosefavoritepastimewaschasingaballoverandover.
IwaswatchingamovieonTVwhenIheardthefrontdooropen.Thorwassosleepyhejustliftedhisearsabitwhenatallfigureappearedoverthethreshold.Isawwhoitwasandfeltalmostsick.
Nickturnedtowardthelivingroomandwalkedover,observingme.
UnderthefaintlightoftheTVandthelampintheentryway,Icouldn’tseemuch,buthewasobviouslyexhausted.Heleanedagainstthedoorwayandlookedatmeapathetically.
“Whatareyoudoingup?”heaskedafewsecondslater.Iwasbrieflyhypnotizedandcouldn’tanswer.Helookedolder.Weary.Butnolesshandsome.Itriedtofocusonthequestion.
“Icouldn’tsleep,”Isaidwarily.Itmusthavebeenthefirsttimesincewemetthatwe’dtalkedtoeachotherinaremotelynormalfashion.
HenoddedandlookedatThor.
“Iseeyou’vegothimonyourside.Mydog’satraitor.”
IsmiledinvoluntarilywhenIsawthatNickreallyseemedirritated.
“Youknow,”Ijoked,“it’snoteasytoresistmycharms.”
Shit.
Wepausedandlookedeachotherintheeye.ThenheturnedtotheTV.
“Areyouseriouslywatchingcartoons?”Iwashappyforthischangeofsubject.
“Mulanisoneofmyfavorites,”Iconfessed.
Hegrinned,andIfeltthebutterfliesinmystomachagain.
“Chill,Freckles,itusedtobemyfavorite,too.WhenIwasfouryearsold.”Despitehissarcasm,hecameoverandfloppeddownbesidemeonthesofa,restinghisfeetnexttomineonthecoffeetable.Foramoment,wewatchedthefilminsilence.
Thiswastooweird.AndjustwhenIthoughtitcouldn’tgetmoreuncomfortable,InoticedNickwasstaringatme.Ifroze,knowinghowclosetogetherwewere.ThisnewNickhadnothingtodowiththeoneI’dmetwhenIarrived.Hewassorelaxed,withnotatraceofthatdisdainfulattitudefrombefore…andinhiseyes,therewasasadnesshewasincapableofhiding.
“Wherewereyou?”Iwhispered.IhadnoideawhyI’dspokensosoftly,butIfeltstrangeaskinghim.Ididn’twanthimtoknowIactuallycaredwhathe’dbeendoing.
“Withsomeonewhoneedsme,”hesaid,andIknewfromhiswayofspeakingthatitwasn’tjustanotheroneofhisgirls.“Why,didyoumissme?”
Ifelthimcomingclosertome,butIdidn’tmoveaway.Somethingabouthimbeingheremademewanttosmileandhadtakenawaythatsorrow,thatpressureinmychest,thatIhadfelttheentireday.
“Idon’tlikebeingallalonesomewheresobig,”Iadmitted.
HishandstretchedacrossthebackofthecouchandmademefeellikeIwassuffocatingwhenittenderlystrokedmyhairandthenmyearlobe.Timeseemedtostop.Ididn’thearthemovieoranythingbuthisrespirationandthemadbeatsofmyheart.
“GoodthingI’mherethen,”hesaid,andbentover,pressinghislipsintomine.Itwasawarmkissandfullofexpectation.Iclosedmyeyesandletthemomenttakemeaway,liftingmyhandstohisfacetofeelhisstubbleagainstthepalmsofmyhandsandthenhishair.Hislipswereinsistent,andIopenedmineandlethistongueinside.Igotgoosebumpswhenhereacheddownpastmyshoulders,touchedmyribs,cametoastopatmywaist.
Thiswasnothingliketheothernight.Histouchwaswarm,soft,asifhewereafraidofbreakingme.Iheardmyselfmoanalmostinaudiblyashishandmovedfrommywaisttomyback,whichIarchedalmostinvoluntarilytolethimclosertome.ThenIactedwithoutthinkingatall.
Isatup,stretchedalegacrosshislap,andrestedontopofhim.Helookedhypnotizedandsatuptosqueezemeinhisarms.Ourkissingwasdeepernow,moreeager,andhishandswerealloverme.ButjustasIthoughtIwouldmelt,Istopped,openingmyeyes,mymindablank.Thatwaswhathedidtome—mademeforgeteverything—andthatwasexactlywhatIneeded.
Isawhewaslookingatmylips,andIneededhimtokissthemagain,butinsteadhepulledaway,turningseriousandtellingme,“Thisisn’tright.Don’tletmedothisagain.You’remystepsister,andyou’reseventeenyearsold.Thiscan’thappenagain.”
Hegotupandleftmeonthesofa.
Iwasangryandhurt.Firsthekissesme,andthenhesaysthesethings?Andwhatdidmyagematter?Iwantedhimback,wantedhimtomakemefeelgoodagain.Ineededhimmorethaneverbecausethisdayhadbeenhorrible.I’dfeltlikeshit,withnoonetotalkto,nooneIcouldevencall.EveryoneIlovedeitherwasbusyorhadbetrayedme.
“Ifyoudon’twantthistohappen,”Isaid,“stoptryingtomakeithappen.Youweretheonewhostarteditallthreetimes.”
Ishovedpasthim,shouted,“Comeon,Thor,”andwentupstairstomyroom.Islammedthedoorandgotintobed.ButI,too,sawthathewasright:itcouldn’thappenagain.
Thenextmorning,afamiliarvoicewokeme,cradlingmyribsandrockingmebackandforth.
“Getup!It’saftertwelve!”mymothersaid.Iopenedmystill-sleepyeyesandsawhersittingbesidemelookingradiant.“Didyoumissme?”sheaskedwithabigsmile.Ismiledbackandsatuptohugher.Finallyshewashome!OfcourseI’dmissedher.Shewastheonenormalthinginmylife.
“HowwasNewYork?”Iasked,stretchingoutandrubbingmyeyes.
“Incredible!It’sthebestplaceeverforshopping.Ibroughtyouatonofpresents.”
AsIwalkedtothebathroom,Iremarkedsarcastically,“Great,Mom!LikeIdon’thaveenoughclothesIdon’twearalready.”
WhileIwashedmyhairandbrushedmyteeth,shesatonthetoiletlidandtalkedtomeaboutalltheamazingplacesshe’dbeen.
“I’mhappyyouhadsuchagoodtime,”Isaid,walkingofftomyclosetandlookingthrougheverythinghangingthere,uncertainwhattoputon.Itwaseasierwhenyoudidn’thavesomanyclothes,andthatwaswhyIkeptgoingbacktomysuitcase,whichwashalf-openonthefloor.Apartofmerefusedtounpackitbecausethatwouldmeanthatallthiswasreal,thatIwasstayinghereandtherewasnoturningback.
“We’vegotplanstoday,Noah,that’swhyIcametowakeyouup.”WhenIheardthetoneinhervoice,IwassureIwouldn’tlikewhatshewasproposing.
“Whatplans?”Iasked,onehandonmyhip.
Walkingpastme,mymotherstartedlookingslowlythroughthedressesinmycloset.
“We’vegotaninterviewatSt.Marie’s.”
“Aninterviewwhere?”
“Atyournewschool,Noah.Itoldyou,it’soneofthebestinthecountry.Notjustanyonecangothere,butthankstoWilliam’scontactsandthefactthatNickisanalum,they’veagreedtomeetyou,”shesaidpatiently.“It’sjustaformality,butyou’llwanttoseetheschool,it’ssomethingelse.”
Iwantedtopuke.
“Dammit,Mom!Couldn’tyouhavejuststuckmeinsomeregularschool?”Ishouted,jerkingthehangersbackandforth.Iwascompletelyfreakingout.“Idon’twanttogotosomestuck-upschool,Itoldyouthat.Plus,whydoIneedaninterview?It’snotajob,forGod’ssake.”
“Noah,don’tstart.Thisisabigopportunity.Peoplewhogotothatschoolendupatthebestcolleges,andthey’rewillingtoletyouinasasenior,whichisn’tsomethingtheyusuallydo.”
“SoI’mgonnabetheweirdowhogotinbecauseI’vegotahookup?Great,Mom.”
Shecrossedherarms.Thatwasthegestureshealwaysmadewhenhermindwasmadeup,soIknewtherewouldn’tbeanymorearguingaboutthesubject.
“You’llthankmeinthefuture.Anyway,yourfriendJennagoestoSt.Marie’s,soyouwon’tbeonyouown.”AtleastthatwasonethingIwashappytohear.ItwasconsolingtoknowthatI’dhavesomeonetobewithatlunchtime.“Nowgetdressed.Weneedtobethereinlessthantwohours.”
IsighedandlookedarounduntilIfoundapairofblackskinnyjeansandasky-blueshirt.Iwasn’tabouttoputonagownoranythinglikethat.Justthethoughtofhowthegirlsatthatschoolmustdressgavemethecreeps.
Theonegoodthingabouttheoutingtovisittheschoolwasthatafterward,mymothertookmetogetanewcar.I’dhadmylicenseforayear,anditbrokemyhearttohavetoleavemypickupinCanada,soIhadtakenallmysavings,andwiththehelpofmymother,Iwasgoingtogetasecondhandcartodrivearoundtown.Williaminsistedhewouldhappilybuymeabrand-newone,butIhadtoputmyfootdown.Onethingwashimbuyingmymotherstufforpayingformyschoolandclothes,butthecar—thatwasadifferentstory.Iwasalsothinkingoffindingajobtocovermyexpenses.Ididn’tliketheideaofthatmanpayingforallmystufflikeIwasatwelve-year-old.Iwasoldenoughandcapableenoughtofindajobandtakecareofmyself.
Mymotherdidn’topposemydecision.Sheapprovedofmeworking.I’ddoneitsinceIwasfifteen,andIlikednothavingtobegformoneyanytimeIneededit.Shehelpedmeapplyforajobwaitressingatawell-knownspottwentyminutesfromourhomebycar.ItwascalledBar48andservedfoodanddrinks;obviouslyIwasn’tallowedtoserveliquor,buttheywouldletmewaitonguests.I’ddonethatbefore,andIwasprettygoodatit.I’dstartthefollowingweekonthenightshift.
Itdidn’ttakeuslongtofindacar.Ididn’tcaremuchaboutthedetailsaslongasitran.WechoseavintageBeetleindecentcondition.Ididn’tknowmuchaboutcarseventhoughIwasgoodatdrivingthem,butitwascute,andIlovedtheredpaintjob.IpaidandsignedandfelttrulyfreewhenIcoulddrivemyselfhome.
ItwasfunnyparkingthatlittlethingbetweenWill’sMercedesandNick’sSUV.ItwaskindofametaphorforhowIfitintothefamily.IgotoutinagoodmoodattheverymomentwhenNickemergedfromthehousespinningthekeystohisRangeRoverononefinger.Hetookoffhissunglassestolookatmynewacquisition.
Hisfacewasbothamusedandhorrified.Isquaredoff,readytolistentohiscomments.
“Pleasetellmeyouhaven’tbroughtthatcarhere,”hesaid,walkingoverandshakinghisheadashelookedcondescendinglyfrommetotheBeetleandback
Iwasn’tgoingtolethimmessupmygoodmood,soIbitmytongueandkepttheinsultstomyself.
“It’smycar,Ilikeit,andI’dappreciateyounotlookingatitlikethat,”Isaid,tryingtorestrainmynervesatseeinghimforthefirsttimesincewe’dmadeoutonthecouch.
Helookedbaffled.Withoutevenasking,hewenttothebackandopenedthetrunktolookattheengine.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked,walkingupbesidehim.Ireacheduptoshutthetrunk,buthegrabbeditandhelditup,ignoringmyvainattemptstoovercomehisstrength.
“Didyouhaveitcheckedout?”hesaid,manipulatingdifferentinternalpartsIwouldn’tevenknowthenamesof.“Thishunkofjunkwillleaveyoustrandedinthemiddleoftheroad.It’sdangeroustoevenlookat.Ican’tbelieveyourmomletyoubuyit.”
“Well,itwouldn’tbethefirsttimeIgotstuckinthemiddleoftheroad,thankstoyou.Sodon’tworry,I’llworkitout,”Isaid,peelingoffoneofhisfingers.Whenhefinallygavein,Islammedthetrunkshut.
“Ifyou’dhadyourphoneonyoulikeanormalperson,youwouldn’thavehadtogetinthecarwithsomeweirdo.Anyway,isn’tittimeforyoutogetoverit?”Hewashissingatme,butIthoughtIsawalittleregretinhiseyes.
“Youthrewmeoutwithoutcheckingwhethermyphonehadanyjuice,”Isaid.“Anyway,whocares?Justforgetyouknowme.”Ihopedhewouldfinallywalkoff.
Helookedatmeasifhecouldhardlystandme.Great,welcometotheclub,Ithought.
WhenIturnedtowalkaway,hegrabbedmyarmandpulledmetillIwasface-to-facewithhim.
Hisbrainmusthavebeeninconflict,asifhedidn’tknowwhattodoorsay.Onlyafterafewseconds,whenI’dalreadyyieldedtohisdeep-blueeyesandmyheartwasthrobbing,didhespeak.
“I’lltakeyouwhereveryouwanttogo,”hesaid,knittinghisbrows,asifnotevenhecouldbelievewhathewassaying.
Istalledandthenfinallyresponded,“Noneed.”
WasNicholasLeisteractuallybeingnicetome?Wakeyourselfup—thiscan’tbehappening.
Howcouldhavingthatboyclosedothistome?WherewasthathatredI’dfeltforhimjustafewmomentsago?WhywasitthattheonlythingInowfeltwasadark,irrepressibledesiretokisshimandlethimwrapmeinhisarmsashehadthatnightattheparty,whenhewastoodrunktorealizewhathewasdoing?
Thehandhe’dgrabbednowmovedtowardhimalmostimperceptibly.Wewerecloseenoughthatsomethingcouldhappen.MyGod…thoselips!Justthinkingabouthimholdingmeandhistonguestrokingmine…
JustasIthoughtwe’dkiss,thesoundofahornmademejumpoutofmyskin.Nicholas,calm,turnedtoseewhoitwas,whileIstruggledtocatchmybreath
“Hey,Noah,”JennasaidfromthepassengerwindowofLion’scar.Hewavedtousinturn.“Nick,youdon’tcareifIinviteNoah,doyou?”sheasked.Nick’shandswereonhisheadinagestureofsomething—itwasimpossibletotellwhetheritwasfrustration,anger,ordisgust.
Helookedatmeforwhatfeltlikeagesbeforefinallyasking,“Youfeeluptoit?”
Idon’tknowwhy,butIrespondedautomatically.
“Hellyeah.Whereto?”
NickgaveLionamysteriouslook.
“Idon’tknowifshecanhandleit,”Lionsaid,laughingashepeekedoutthewindow.
Nicksmiledirresistibly.“Thiscouldbefun.”
Twentyminuteslater,weweregettingoutofLion’scarnearwhatlookedlikeanabandonedindustrialbay.Thereweretonsofpeoplemillingaroundandcarswiththeirtrunksopenplayingmusicatfullblast.Itremindedmeofthedayoftheraces,buttheambiencewasdifferent.Nick’sandLion’sfriendscameoverandsaidsomeveryloudhellos.Jennathrewanarmovermyshoulders.Shewasinatightblackdressthatlefthershouldersandpartofherbackexposed.Herhairfelloverherfaceinwavesandlookedspectacular.IfeltlikeaslobinthejeansandshirtI’dputonforthehighschoolinterview,buttherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutitnow.
“You’llenjoyseeingmymaninaction,”Jennasaidwithasmile,eyesglowing.“AndNick,too.”ShepulledmethroughthegroupofguystalkingtoNickandLion,andwhenwewereinsidethecircle,Icouldhearwhattheyweretalkingabout.
“Ronnie’snothere,andnooneinhisgangis,either,”oneoftheguysI’dseenduringtheracessaid.Nicholaswasleaningagainsthiscarwithacigaretteinhishand,andwhenRonnie’snamecameup,helookedoveratme.Notwithrancorthistime,butwithapparentdisappointmentatnotbeingabletoteachhisworstenemyanotherlesson.Frommypointofview,Nickwasoutofhismindifhewantedtogetintoitwithaguywithagun,butknowingmynewstepbrotherasIdid,Iwasn’tsurprisedtolearnhewasupforit.
“GregandA.J.arethere,andthestakesarehigh,”Lionsaid.Nickgrinned,walkedawayfromthecar,tossedhiscigarettetotheground,andclappedhimontheback.
“Whatarewewaitingforthen?”
Thecrowdaroundusshoutedinjubilation.Ihadnoideawhatwasgoingon,butIthoughtIcouldsensewherethiswasheaded,andIdidn’tlikeitonebit.
Everyonewalkedofftowardthewarehouse,thedoorsofwhichwereopen.Insideitwascrowded,andthemusicandnoiseweredeafening.Didthesepeopleeverdoanythingonasmallscale?Likegetacoffeeorgotothemovies?ImmediatelyIknewtheanswerwasno:Nicholaswasn’tthetypetodateagirl,inviteheroutforaromanticmeal.Nicholaswasallaboutdanger,andhelikedbeingsurroundedbypeoplewhowerethesameway.Butifthatwasso,whatthehellwasIdoingwithhim?
LionleanedintowardNick,andIheardhimsay,“LeaveA.J.tome.Afterwhathappened,youknowIwanthisass.”Nicholasnoddedandglancedover.Ididn’tsayaword.Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoingthere.
“I’llgofirst,sameasalways,”hesaid,andthenpushedmeawayfromourgroup.Hisfingersgavemechills.
“Whatareyougoingtodo?”Iaskedhim.
Helookedexcited.
“I’mgoingtofight,Freckles.I’mgood.PeoplelikewatchingLionandmefight.ButI’mwarningyou,it’sgoingtogetpacked,sostickclosetoLionuntilI’mdoneandIcantakecareofyouandJenna.”
Hewasgoingtofight.Hewasgoingtoexchangeblowswithanotherguyjustforfun.Imean,therewasmoneyontheline,butNicholasdidn’tneedmoney—hewasamillionaire—sowhythehelldidhegetintothesekindsofsituations?
“Whyareyoudoingthis?”Iasked,frightened.Ididn’tseeanysenseinthisatall.
“Igottarelaxsomehow,”hesaid.Heleftmethere,terrifiedatwhatIwasabouttosee.18Nick
Iwaslight-headedasIleftherthere.Ididn’tthinkanygirlhadeveraffectedmeasmuchasNoah.Thatwasnice,butitalsoirkedme.I’dalwayslikedhavingcontrolovereverything,especiallythewomenaroundme.Ialwaysknewhowthey’dreact.Ialwaysknewthey’dwantme.Noahwasdifferent.AllyouhadtodowaslookathertoseeshewastheoppositeofthepeopleI’dgrownupwithandthoseIsurroundedmyselfwithnow.Istillcouldn’tunderstandhow,withthechancetoblowmyfather’smoney,shekeptinsistingonwearingsimpleclothesordrivingthatdangerouspieceofjunk.Shewasevenlookingforajob.Icouldn’tstoptryingtofigureherout.Beyondthat,therewasthephysicalattractionIfeltforher.Everytimeshewasinfrontofme,Iwantedtokissandcaressher.IhaddoneitwhenIwasdrunk,notknowingwhatIwasdoing,andnowallIcouldthinkaboutwasrepeatingtheexperience.Thatwaswhyshewasherewithmethatnight.IhadbeenabouttokissherwhenJennaandLionhadshownup.I’dplannedonspendingthewholenightwithher.WhatthehelldidafightmatterwhenIcouldbekissingthosesoftlips?
ItwasfunnytoseehowshereactedwhenItouchedher.Ialmostlostcontrolthatfirstnight,hearingthosesoftmoanscomefromheraswekissed.Andtherewewereagain,andIwasaskingmyselfwhythehellI’dinvitedhertowatchmegoingtotownononeofthebiggestidiotsI’devermet.Herfacehadbeenhorrifiedwhenshe’dfoundoutwhatwewereupto.Still,itwasnicetoseeherthere.Andfunnybecauseshedidn’tfitinonebit.
Iwalkedoffintotheabandonedbuildingweusedforthoseevents.FightshadbeenapartofmylifeeversinceImetLion.Hewastalented,andI’dlearnedalmosteverythingheknew.Myfurymighthavebeenmoreintensethanhis,though,andthatwaswhyalmostnooneeverbeatme.Ihadaneasytimefinishingmostofmyopponents.WhenIwasfighting,allmysenseswerefocusedonwinning—nothingelsemattered—andthathelpedmecentermyself,getridofalltheshitIwascarryingaroundinside.Today,Ineededitespecially:Iwastornupafterthatlastvisitwithmysister,evenmoresowhenIfoundoutshe’dbeonherownawholeweekwhileherparentstookoffforBarbados.Icouldn’tunderstandhowaparentcouldjustabandonherfirstchildwithoutanysortofremorseandthendothesamethingalloveragainwithheryoungdaughter…Itdrovemecrazy.
Itcouldgetdangeroushereifyoudidn’twatchout,soIusuallyjustshowedup,wonmyfight,gotthemoney,andleft.Mostpeoplehungaroundfortheafterparty,whichwasfullofdrugsandalcohol.Iwasn’tintothat,andIkeptacoolheadasItookoffmyshirtandenteredthering.
Gregwasabigguy,agymrat,andwe’dnevergottenalong.BeforeIshowedup,everyonehadhimuponapedestal,andwhenhefoughtme,hegaveithisall.Hisweakpointwashistechnique;hewasallbrutestrength,andI’dneverhadmuchtroubleslippinghispunches.A.J.wasawholedifferentstory.HeandLionhadhistory.OnceA.J.hadtriedtorapeJennaataclub.ThankGodIhadbeentherewithherandgottenridofhimbeforethingscouldgosouth.Lionhadn’tknownJennathen,butwhenthey’dstartedgoingoutandshehadtoldhim,hehadnearlybeatenA.J.todeath.
Everybodywasgatheredaroundthering.Betswerelive,andthatwouldonlymakethecrowdshoutandwhistlelouder.Istartedjumpinginplace,tryingtowarmup,whileGregenteredfromtheoppositeend.Hegavemeahateful,bloodthirstylook,andIhadtotrynottosmile,knowingintenminutesI’dbedonewithhim.
TheguyinchargeofthemoneyshoutedmynameandGreg’s,andaminutelater,thefunstarted.Greghadabadhabit:hethrewhaymakersrightfromthebell,andhealwaysgottiredearly.Youjustneededtoknowhowtowaittoattack.ThefirsttimeIlurchedforward,Ilandedabodyblow.EveryoneshoutedwildlyafterwardwhenhebentoverandIkneedhiminthenose.Theadrenalinehadkickedin,andIfeltcapableofanything.Gregrecoveredandtriedtohitmeagain,thistimeintheface.IsmiledasIdodgeditandgothimintherighteye.
Itwasastiffone,andhefelltothefloor,whichgavemetheopportunitytokickhimagain,butwhatwasthefuninkickingamanwhenhewasdown?Greggotbackup,dancedaround,shovedme,grazedmyrightcheek.ButIfiredbackwithapunchthatlefthimflatonhisback,andthistime,hecouldn’tgetup.
Theeuphoriaofvictorydidmegood.IwasgladtoknowIhadthestrengthtogetthefinish.
Everyonewasshoutingmyname,andpeoplepressedinaroundtheringtryingtoreachme.ButIjumpedoutandwentstraighttogetmyprizemoney.Thepursewasfivegrand,andonceI’dstuffeditintomyjeans,IwenttolookforLion.HewasinthelastrowwithJennaandagroupoffriends,gettingreadyforhisgrandentrance.Itwasmorerelaxedtherethaninthefront.Nobodytherewaspushingorshoving.
MyheartspedupinvoluntarilywhenIreachedthemandsawNoahwasgone.Ilookedaroundandcouldn’tseeheranywhere.
“Whereisshe?”IaskedLion,mybodytensingupagain.
Hegrinned.
“Itwastoomuchforher.Whenshesawyougethit,shewentoutside,”Jennasaid.
“I’mgoingtogofindher.Jenna,youstaywiththeguys.”
Noahwassittingagainstthewallbythedoorhuggingherknees.Ididn’tliketheexpressiononherface.IthrewonmyT-shirtasIgotcloser.Hereyesfocusedfirstonmytorsoandthenonthesmallcutonmyface.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Isaid,alittledisappointedthatshehadn’tseenmefinishmyopponent.
Shestoodup,glowering.
“Whatyou’redoinginthere…It’snotforme.”
Iguessedshewasscared.Ihadn’tthoughtitwouldaffecthersomuch.AnyothergirlwouldhaveseenwhatI’ddoneandthrownherselfstraightintomyarms,butNoah…
“Fightsaren’tyourthing,Igetit,”Isaid,andtriedtobegentleasIputmyarmaroundherneck.Noahwaslikesomeonefromanotherplanet:thereweretimeswhenshewashardasarock,nothesitatingtopunchmesquareintheface,butthenshecouldbesosmallandfragilethatIcouldn’tresisttheurgetotakeherintomyarms.
Itickledthebackofherneck,andshelookedup,abouttosaysomething,Ithought,butbeforeshecould,Ibentovertokissherandpullherintome.
Shemeltedinmyarms,justasIwished.IlikedfeelinghowherbodyreactedwhenItouchedher.Herfingerssankintomydamphair,andIhadtostruggletokeepfromtouchingherallover.
WhenIpulledawayamomentlater,shelookedatmycutandranherfingersovertheswelling.Thatsoftbutsignificantcaressmademefeelsomethingstrangeinside.
“Ihatedeverysecondyouwereupthere,”shesaid.Iknewshewastellingthetruth.Noahcaredaboutme,andthatwassomethingsostrangeandsonewthatittookmeaback.
“ThisiswhoIam,Noah,”Isaid,lettinghergo.
“Whydoyoudoit,though?Idon’tunderstand.You’vegotmorethanenoughmoney,youdon’tneedit—”
“Liondoesthough,”Icutheroff,onthedefensivenow.
Sheseemedtograspthat,butstill,IfeltIneededtoaddsomething.
“Idon’tdoitjustforthemoney.Iliketofight.IliketoknowIcanstopthepersoninfrontofme.ThatIhavecontrolofthesituation.Icantellwhatyou’regettingat,butifyouthinkI’mgoingtostopdoingthesethingsjustbecauseyouandI—”
“BecauseyouandIwhat?”sheinterruptedme.“What’stheendofthatsentence?”
Icouldn’tanswer.Ididn’tevenknowwhatwashappening.Ijustknewitwasamistake.Noahwasasimplegirl,thekindyou’dgiveflowerstoandcandiesinaheart-shapedbox,andthatjustwasn’tme.Themerethoughtofitwasridiculous.ButtheproblemwasallmymisgivingsvanishedwhenIhadherclose.IknewIshouldn’tkissher,touchher…butIcouldn’thelpit.Shewasright:Iwastheonewhowaslookingforher.
“It’sfine,Nicholas,don’tsayanything.Iknowwhoyouare.I’mnotgoingtoexpectanythingmorefromyouthanwhatwehaverightnow.”
IturnedaroundandwentbackinsidetowatchLion’sfight.
Whatdidshemean,sheknewwhoIwas?Ididn’tlikethesoundofit.Ifeltgrippedbyanger,butIcouldn’tsayexactlywhy.19Noah
Itwasamistake,comingheretonightwithNicholas.Yeah,hewasattractive,and,yeah,Icouldn’teventhinkstraightwhenhetouchedmeorkissedme,butIdidn’tlikewhohewas.NicholasLeistermovedinacircleIhadavoidedmywholelife:fights,out-of-controlparties,drugs,alcohol…ThosewereallthingsIdidn’twanttobeapartof.Iwasstilltryingtogetusedtomylifehere.I’donlylefthometwoweeksago,andliterallyeverythinghadchanged.IwasstillmessedupoverDan,andstartingarelationshipwithNicholasmademattersworsebecauseIwasperfectlyawareofwhataguylikehimwouldwantfromagirllikeme.MaybeIwasold-fashionedorweirdorwhatever,butIlikedtodothingsthetraditionalway.Iwantedaguytowanttobewithmeandshowmethateveryday.Ilikedsweetwords,kindgestures,andthatjustwasn’tNick.Iwasn’treadyformyhearttobebrokenagainbeforeithadbeguntoheal.Iwasn’tevensureIhadaheartanymore,justthousandsoflittlepiecesIkepttryingtogluebacktogether.
ItoldmyselfIwouldhavetotrytohaveanormalrelationshipwithNick.Wecouldn’tbetogether,butthatdidn’tmeanwehadtohateeachother.Thefightswithhim,thepushandpullsincewe’dmet,allthatwasexhausting.Welivedtogether,soweshouldtrytobefriends,ifitevenwaspossibletobefriendswithsomeonewhostirredyouupinthatway.
IstayedbythedoorwaitingforLion’sfighttobeover.Icouldn’twatch.Ihatedphysicalconfrontation.Itwasupsettingthatpeoplecouldenjoyit;theywereevenmakingmoneybettingagainstthefighters.Itwasgrossandhumiliating.
NicholashadwalkedpastmetogostandwithJennaandtheirfriends.Theremusthavebeentwohundredpeopleinthecrowd.Lionwonhisfightafterfifteenminutes,butunlikeNick,hehadbruisesfromblowstothechestandanuglycutunderhislefteye.Jennathrewherselfinhisarmswhenshesawhimandkissedhimwhileeveryonecheered.WasthatwhatNickhadwanted?Formetothrowmyselfathimjustbecausehe’dleftsomeguylaidoutontheground?Ridiculous.
Nickcameovertome,tookmyhand,andwalkedmeout.Itwasstrangetofeelhisfingersintertwinedwithminebutsomehowdistant,asifthiswerejustsomethingpractical—awaytokeepmefromgettinglost—andtherewasnoaffectioninit.Somethinghadchangedsinceourlastconversation.Heseemedmadatme,asifhedidn’tevenwantmethere.Ithurt,butwhatcouldIexpect?
Ilookedathiswoundedknuckles.Therewasdriedbloodonthemwherehe’dstruckhisopponent.Ifeltnauseated,andIneededair.WhatthehellwasIdoinghere?
Whenwewereclosetohiscar,heleftmetotalktohisgroupoffriends.Jennawasgone,andIfeltlonelyandscared.IdecidedtogetanUberandstartedtopulluptheapp.ButNicholashurriedoverandtoreitoutofmyhand.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“GettinganUber.”
“Areyoucrazy?Thisisillegal.Youcan’tgiveawayourlocation.Wecouldgetarrested.”
Ididn’tcare.Thisplacefeltdangerous,andIwantedtoavoidtrouble.Howevergoodhelooked,hewasn’tworthit.
“Ineedtoleave,”Isaid.
“Why?”
“BecauseIdon’tlikeyourworld,Nicholas.”
Hedidn’tseemoffended.Ifanything,heseemedindifferent.
“You’renotbuiltforthis.Ishouldn’thavebroughtyou.”
Iwasn’tbuiltforthis?Hisresponsedidn’tbothermeperse;itwasthetonehesaiditin.
“I’mtheonewhodecidedtocomehere.AndnowI’mtheonewho’sdecidingtogo.”
Helaughed.
“Idon’tknowwhatIexpected,butthisdefinitelywasn’tit.Ithoughtyouweretougher,Freckles.Youdidn’tflinchwhenyouandRonniegotintoit.Isuredidn’tthinkacoupleofguyspunchingeachotherwoulddothistoyou.”
Whathecouldn’tsee,aswestoodtherelookingateachother,wasthecoldsweatcoatingmybody,thesofttremorsinmyhands…
“Iguessmybraverycomesandgoes,”Isaid,openingmypalmsohe’dhandmebackmyphone.Buthekepttoyingwithit,andhismindseemedelsewhere.
“Iwantedtoaskyou.Where’dyoulearntoracelikethat?”
“Beginner’sluck.Phone,please.”
Hegrinned.
“You’vegotmoresecretsthanIwouldhaveimagined,Freckles.”Hesteppedtowardme,andIsteppedawayuntilmybacktouchedthedoorofhiscar.
“We’veallgotsecrets,”Isaid,quieternow.
“Ishouldwarnyou,I’maprettygooddetective,”hesaid,leaninginforakiss.IstoppedhimasbestIcould.
Iwokefromthespellhecastonme.Mypulsestartedracing.
“Stayawayfromme,Nicholas,”Isaid,moreseriousthanever.
Discoveringmypast—thatwasthelastthingIwanted.Themerethoughtofitmademepanic.I’dalwayskeptmydemonsincheck—nooneknewanything—butwithjustawallbetweenhimandme,therewerethingsthatIwasn’tgoingtobeabletohide.Ihardlyknewhim,andalready,hewasunearthingthingsIneverletanyonesee.
“Youwantmetostayawayfromyou?That’snotwhatyourbodyseemstobesaying…”
Damnhim.Nobodyhadevergottentomelikethisbefore.Seeinghimtherebeforeme,sobig,somasculine,Ifeltlikeacorneredanimalsomeonewasgettingreadytoslaughteratanyminute.AndIdidn’tlikethat,thatsensationoffeelingsosmallandvulnerable.
Heplacedahandoneithersideofmyhead,almostlikeacage.
“Whatareyousoscaredof?”heasked,hismouthclosetomine,hisbreathheatingupmyface.Hiseyesweresoblue,withbitsofaquamarineinthepupils
“I’mscaredofyou,”Iwhispered.
Nickgrinned.Maybehelikedmyanswer.Itwasasifsomeonehadtossedajaroficewaterovermyhead.Ishovedhimandgotawayfromhisgrasp.
“Asshole,”Isaid.Icouldn’tbelieveI’dbeensincerewithhim.
“Why?BecauseIthinkit’sfunnythatyou’rescared?That’snormal,Freckles.Ifyouweren’t,itwouldhaveworriedme.”
“I’mscaredyou’llgetmeintotrouble,”Ilied,hopinghe’dforgetwhatI’djustsaid.Ididn’twanthimhavingthatmuchpoweroverme.
“I’vegotatalentforwrigglingoutofit.Youdon’tneedtoworrythere.”
“That’sexactlyit.Idon’twanttoworry.NowgivememyphonesoIcangetoutofhere.”
Nicholassighed,buthisexpressiondidn’tchange.
“It’stoobadyou’resostiff.IthoughtyouandIcouldhavefuntogether.”
“ThereisnoyouandI…andthereneverwillbe.”
Twentyminuteslater,Jennahaddroppedmeathome.Iwasbreathingeasyagain,andIpromisedmyselfIwouldn’tfallintoanymoretraps.NicholasandIneededtokeepourdistancefromeachother.
Ispentthenextdaywashingmycar.NicholasstayedinsidedoingGodknowswhat,andwebarelycrossedpaths.MyBeetlehadbeenonthesaleslotforalongtime,sonoonehadtakencareofit,anditwascoveredindirtandgrime.ItwasfunnytomethatallmynewneighborswiththeirChanelclothesandtheirstuck-upattitudesweregawkingatmeasIwashedmyowncarinshortsandaT-shirtwithsomecompany’slogoonitandwithmyhairpulledbackinabun.Ilookedlikehell,butwhyshouldIcarewhatmybleach-blondneighborandherhusbandwhoransomeTVnetworkoranotherthoughtofme?
AsIblewastrandofhairoutofmyfaceandleanedoverthehoodwithasponge,tryingtogetoutaparticularlystubbornspot,IheardthelastvoiceIwouldhaveexpectedtohearatthatmoment.
“Iseeyoustillhatethedrive-throughcarwash.”Ifroze.Itcouldn’tbetrue.
Iturnedaroundandlookedathim.HewasstandingnexttoNicholas’scarlookingnodifferentfromwhenwe’dsaidourgoodbyesthreeweeksago.Hisblondhairwasdisheveled,hischocolateeyesprojectedaself-assuranceI’dalwaysadmired,andhehadthebuildofahockeyplayer.Ihadtocatchmybreath.
Dan,who’dcheatedonmewithmybestfriend,wasnowstandinginfrontofme.
IstoppedwhatIwasdoing,holdingontothedrippingspongeandlettingmyotherhandfloptomyside.Icouldn’tmove.Justhavinghiminfrontofmehurt,andallthememoriesI’dsharedwithhimfloodedintomymindlikeaslideshow:whenwe’dmet;afterI’dgonetooneofhisgamesandhe’dwonandhe’dcomeovertotellmehecouldn’tconcentrateoncehe’dseenmeinthestands;ourfirstdate,whenhe’dtakenmetoanIndianrestaurantwherethefoodwassospicywehadbeensickforthreedays;ourfirstkiss,sosoftandspecialthatuntilrecently,ithadbeenonthelistofmymosttreasuredmemories;thefirsttimehe’devercalledmehisgirlfriend…
ThenIrememberedtheimageofhimandBethhookingup,andeverythingelsevanished.
Istruggledtofindavoicethatwouldn’tlethimknowhowmuchhisbeingthereaffectedme.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Iasked,droppingthespongeinthebucket.Waterdropletssplashedmybarefeet.
“Imissyou,”hesaid.
Ilaughedmirthlessly.
“Youdon’tmissme.You’vehadcompany,haven’tyou?”Ireplied,turningaround.
“Noah…I’msorry,”hetoldmeinthatsamevelvetyvoicethathadtoldmesomanytimeshelovedmeaboveallelse.
Ishookmyhead,wishingthiswasn’thappening.Iwasn’treadytoconfrontDan.Therewasapartofmethatstillwishedeverythingwasasithadbeenbefore,thatwantedtoturnaroundandlethimhugme,kissme,tellmehowmuchhelovedandmissedme.Idesperatelywantedtobewithsomeonefrommypreviouslife.Evenforjustafewseconds,IwantedtobetheNoahMorganIhadbeenbeforegettingintoacarandheadingofftoanewcitytolivealifeIdidn’twant
“Noah…Iloveyou,”hesaid,comingupbehindme.
Myhearthadalreadybrokenintoamillionpieces.Washegoingtostomponthemnow,crushthemintodust?
“Don’ttellmethat,”Isaid.ButthenIturned,andIsawhimthere,soclose…sawthosespotsofgoldinhisbrowneyes,thescaronhischeekwherehe’dbeenhitwithahockeystick—Iwastherewhenhe’dgottenthestitches,IhadbeenhystericalbecauseIcouldn’tstandthesightofblood.EverythingaboutDanbroughtbacksomanymemories—memoriesthatnowstungunbearably.
Helookednervous.Iknewhimwellenoughtoknowthiswasharderforhimthanitwasforme.
“I’msayingitbecauseit’sthetruth,Noah.”Hetookmyfaceinhishandsandstrokedmycheekswithhisfingers.“Pleaseforgiveme.Whenyouleft,mywholeworldfellapart.Ididn’tknowwhattodo,wheretoturn.Youhavetoforgiveme.Noah,please,sayyouforgiveme.”
Hishandssliddowntomyshoulders.Therewasdesperationinhisvoice.Iclosedmyeyes.Thisshouldn’tbehappening.Why?Andwhywashispresencemakingmesosad?Ishouldhavegottenoverhimalready.Heshouldn’thavecomehere,askingforgiveness,butstill…seeinghimagain,havingthatpieceofmyoldlifeback,wascomfortingsomehow.
Justthen,Ifelthislipsonmine.Itwasunexpectedbutatthesametimefeltnormal.ThathadbeensomethingIwasusedto,somethingpleasant,evennecessary,somethingI’dwantedfromthemomentIgotintothatcartoleaveandnevercomeback.
Hecuppedthebackofmyneckandpulledmetowardhim.Iwassoshocked,sooverwhelmedbythethousandsofcontradictoryfeelingsIwashavingthatallIcoulddowasholdstill.
“Noah,kissme,please,don’tbelikethat.”Hetriedtopresshimselfintomeandmanagedtogetmetoopenmymouth,lookingformytonguewithhisjustashehadthefirsttimewe’ddoneit.Therewasakindofwarmththerebutalsosomethingdifferent.Somethinghadchanged.Mybodyseemedtobeexpectingsomethingmorepowerful.Ididn’twantwarmth;Iwantedfire.
Iheardsomeonemakeanoise,tryingtogetourattention.Isteppedback,andDanlookedatmewithjoyonhisface.Thenweturnedtoseewhohadinterruptedus.
MymotherandWilliamhadjustappeared.I’dbeensowrappedupinmythoughtsandfeelingsthatIhadn’tevenheardthempullupintheircar.ShelookedatuswithabigsmileonherlipsandturnedtoWilliam,whohadabright-eyed,satisfiedexpressiononhisface.
“Youlikeourpresent?”heasked.
Ididn’tunderstand.
“Yourmothersentmeatickettosurpriseyou,”Dansaidwithashrug,butIcouldseealookofguiltonhisface,too.NowIgotit.Mymotherthoughtshewasgivingmethebestgiftever,bringingmyboyfriendforavisit.She’djustmissedonetinydetail:hewasnolongermyboyfriend.
“Youwerejustsosad,Noah,”Momsaid,comingoverandgivingmeahug.“IknewDanwastheonepersonwhocouldmakeyousmile,sowhatwastheharmininvitinghimtospendafewdayswithus?”
Oh,Mom.You’vescrewedupnow.
Iforcedmyselftosmile,hardasitwas,whileWilliamshookDan’shandfirmly.Mymothergavehimahuginturn,andtheybothstoodbacktolookatus.
“We’llgiveyouallalittleprivacy.Youmustwantsometimealone,”Momsaid.“Dan,I’mhavingthempreparetheguestroom.Anythingyouneed,don’thesitatetoask.”
Dannoddedpolitely,andmymotherandWilliamvanishedthroughthefrontdoor.
Whentheyweregone,IlookedatDan,enraged.
“Ican’tbelieveyouhadtheballstocomehere,”Ishouted,pickingupthebucketandsoapI’dbroughtoutformycar.Iwouldn’tbeabletofinishnow.Ihadmuchmoreimportantthingstodo.
Thiswaswrong.Dancouldn’tstayinmyhome.Ididn’twanthimthere,andIsureashelldidn’twanthimkissingmeagain.
“ItwastheperfectopportunitytosayI’msorryinperson.”
“Youcan’tstayhere,Dan.”
“Iknowyou’restillmad,andIknowyou’llneedlotsoftimebeforeyoucanforgiveme,butjustletmebewithyouthesedays,Noah.Whatevertheproblemis,we’llsolveittogether,please.You’remineandI’myours,remember?”
Thatphrasestruckhome.
“Istoppedbeingyoursthemomentyouhookedupwithmybestfriend.”IsaidthatknowingthathavingtobreakupwithhimdefinitivelyinthecomingdayswouldleavemefeelingworsethanIalreadydid.“YoucanstayherebecauseI’mnotgoingtoupsetWilliamormymother,andIdon’twantthemtohavetoknowwhatyoudidtome.Butwhenthattime’sup,Ineverwanttohearfromyouagain.”
“IknowIhurtyou,Noah.ButIloveyou,Ihavealwayslovedyou,andwithoutyou,mylife’sadisaster.SinceIsawyoujustnow,everythingmakessenseagain.Whenyoutoldmeyouwereleaving,Itriedtomakeaplaninmyheadtobeabletodealwithit,butitdidn’twork.Noah,thethingwithBethmeantnothingtome.Ijustleanedonherbecausesheremindedmeofyou.Youtwowerealwaystogether.Youweresomuchalike.IknowI’vebeenanasshole,butIcan’tletwhatwehaveendthisway.”
Ilookeddown,tryingtosuppressthetearsthatwantedout.Iwasn’tgoingtocry.Ididn’tcryanymore.Iwouldn’tcry.
“Sothisiswherewearenow,”hesaid.“Youcan’tevenlookmeintheeyes.”
Hegrabbedmyfaceagain.
“Please,justtellmeyouforgiveme,”hewhispered,hislipsnearlypressedtomine.
Idon’tevenknowwhatIsaid,buthekissedmeagain,hard,withfeeling,andIlethimdoit,again.Icouldn’tcontrolit.ItwassomethingIneeded.ButIknewitwasn’tright.IhadastrangefeelingasIwentalongwithhim;Ifeltguilty,guiltybecauseIwasdeceivingsomeoneveryimportant:myself.
Atlast,Imanagedtogetoutthewords“Ineedsomespace.”Anditwastrue;Ineededtothink,neededtonothavehiminfrontofme.
“Fine,”heagreed.“CanIatleastleavemythingsintheguestroom?”
Iagreedandledhimupthere.Icouldn’tspendanotherminutewithhim,soIwalkedofftomyroom,thinkingIwouldjustclimbintobedandsleepuntilthenextday.Ididn’tcarehowearlyitwas.Ineededtothinkandgetmyfeelingsinperspective,butthenmybodymademestopataroomthatwasn’tmine,andbeforeIcouldstopmyself,IwasknockingatNicholas’sdoor.
Idon’tknowwhetherheanswered.AllIknowwasIheardanoiseandwentinside.
Hewassittinginfrontofhislaptopatadeskinthecorner.Whenhesawmecomein,heclosedit.Hespunhischairaroundtolookatme,andIobservedeveryinchofhisanatomyasifitwereaworkofart.Hewasshirtlessingraysweatpants.Icouldtellhewasn’texpectingavisitor,especiallynotme.ItwasthefirsttimeI’deverknockedathisdoorsinceI’dlivedthere,butsomethinginmetoldmemystepbrotherwouldbeabletoconsoleme,evenasIwastryingtograspwhyI’dchosentotorturemyselfbybeinginhispresence.
Hemusthaveseensomethinginmyfacebecauseheimmediatelyaskedwhatwasgoingonandapproachedmecautiously,notsurewhattodo.Justaswitheveryothertimewe’dbeenalonetogether,anirresistibleattractioncrackledintheair.Inaway,IwashappytorealizeDancouldn’tmakemereactthatway—happybutatthesametimeconfused.
ThoseeyesofNick’sonlypromiseddarkness.Butwithoutthinkingtwice,Igrabbedthebackofhisneck,pulledhimclose,andkissedhimdesperately.
Atfirst,hedidn’treact.Hewassurprised,Iguessed,buthisbodyclearlyknewwhatitwanted.Hegrabbedmywaist,andhismouthandtonguetookover.HemademeforgetwhyI’devencomethere,forgeteverythingbuthim.Ihadtopullawayasecondtocatchmybreath.WhenIdid,heaskedmewhatIwasdoing,andthenhisteethbitintomyearlobebeforehismouthtraveleddowntomycheek,myneck…Anynotionofpain,loss,ornostalgiavanishedfrommymind.Butthenhepushedmeaway.
“Whathappened?”heasked.
Whydidhehavetoaskthat?Whycouldn’thejustkissmeandletmeenjoyhisundoubtedabilities?SincewhenhadNickcaredwhysomeonewantedtohookupwithhim?
NowIfoundmyselfthinkingaboutDanagain.ThatwoundofbeingbetrayedbysomeoneIhadlovedsomuch—andIhadlovedthemboth,himandBeth—reopenedagain.That,andthewoundofknowingI’dlostthembothforeverbecauseIwouldneverbeabletoforgivethembecausetheydidn’tdeserveit.Andtheworstthingwasthefear—thefearthatIwasn’tstrongenoughtokeepawayfromhim.
IrestedmyheadonNick’sbareshoulder,andheheldme.Thiswasthefirsttimewe’deversharedamomentlikethis.Hissmellwasentrancing—itmusthavebeenoneofthosefancycolognesmodelsadvertisedonTV—andhischestwaswarmandcomforting,andeventhoughIfeltfrozen,somewheredeepinsideme,asmallfirehadstartedtoburn.
“It’snotlikeIdon’tloveholdingyou,Freckles,butifyoudon’ttellmewhathappened,Imightdrawthewrongconclusions,andI’llwinduppoundingtheshitoutofthewrongguy.”
Despitemymood,thosewordsgotasmileoutofme.
Istartedtopullaway,buthewalkedmebackwardandsatdownathisdeskwithmeinhislap.
“PleaseGodtellmeyoudidn’tfuckmyothercarup,too,andnowyou’vecometomebecauseyoufeelbadaboutitbecauseIswear,allthekissesintheworldwon’thelpthat…”
Ididn’tknowthissideofthenormallycoldandstandoffishNicholasLeister—thesidethatcrackedjokes,thattriedtogetpeopletolaugh—andIadmittedthatIlikedit.Alot.
SoIdecidedtotellhimwhyI’dcometohisroom.Because,believeitornot,Ihadn’tplannedtohookupwithhimoranythinglikethat.
“Dan’shere,”Isaid.HetookasecondtoabsorbwhatI’dsaid.Thenhisbodytensed.
“Thatmotherfuckerwhocheatedonyouishere?Where,inLosAngeles?”
“Uh…he’shere.Inthishouse.”IknewasIsaidithowpatheticandridiculousthesituationwas.Nickseemedtobewaitingforthepunchline.Itriedtoexplain.
“Mymotherinvitedhim.Shedoesn’tknowanythingaboutwhathedid,hasnoideawe’vebrokenup…buthe’shere,Nicholas,andIfeellikeI’mcompletelylosingit…”
Igotupandstartedpacingaroundtheroom.IhadnoideawhyIwastellingmystepbrotherthis,butNickwasgoodatgettingyoutothinkaboutotherthings.
Hetookacigarettefromhisdeskandputitinhismouth.Ididn’tknowifhewasangryordisappointed.
“Whyareyoutellingmethis?”hesaid,takingacurtdrag.Thatoldcoldnessinhiseyeswasback,theoneI’dseenmanytimesbefore,thesameonethatmadeushateandinsulteachother.Tryingtoputasidemyfeelingsforhim,thingsthatImyselfdidn’tunderstand,andItoldhimwhatIreallyneeded.
“Assoonasheseesyou,Danwillknowwhoyouare,”Isaid,tryingtohidebehindthatarmorIalwaysusedtodefendmyself,evenifitseemedtohavedisappearedsinceDanarrived.“He’llrecognizeyoufromthephotoofus,fromwhenwe…kissed.”
Who’dhavethoughtasimplephotowouldbringmesomanyheadaches?IfI’dknownthatkissingNickwouldmeanthatthedesiretodoitagainwouldinvademybodyandmind,Iwouldhaveavoideditfromthebeginning.
Nicholaslaidhiscigaretteinanashtrayandlookedatmewithcontempt.
“Whatdoyouwant,Noah?”
“Ijustwanthimtobegoneandtoneverhavetoseehimagain.”Itwastrue;thatwaswhatIwanted,nomatterhowmuchithurt.Ididn’twanttobearoundsomeonewhohaddeceivedme.
ThatseemedtorelaxNicholas,andIcontinued:
“ButIdon’tknowhowtomakeithappen.”Iwipedmyforeheadwithmyhand.“Hecamehereforthesolepurposeofgettingmetoforgivehim…andthere’sapartofmethatwantsto,butIknowIcan’t,Ishouldn’t…”
“SothisiswhereIcomein?”heasked.
Inodded.
“It’sjustacoupleofdays.IfheseesthatI’vemovedon,thatI’mnotinterestedinhim,maybehe’llleavemealone.”
Henodded,pickinghiscigarettebackup.Ididn’tlikepeoplesmoking,butwhenNicholasdidit,itwassexy.
“Sowe’vegottomakeoutinfrontofhim,”Nicholasconcluded.
IwasashamedofwhatIwasaskingfor,buthehadalreadyofferedtodothesamething,basically,whenhetookthatphotoofuskissing.Whatmadeitstrangewasthatwe’dnowhookedupacoupleoftimesrecentlyforverydifferentreasons.
“Youwanthimtothinkwe’retogether.”Hegotupoutofhischair.“Wouldn’titbeeasierifIjustbrokehisfaceandgotitoverwith?”Therewasangerinhiseyes,andsomethingelse,somethingdark,thatIcouldn’tquiteplace.
“Mymothercan’tknow,”Imurmured.Ifelttrappedbythehandhe’dsuddenlyreachedouttograbmychin.Oneofhisfingerssoftlystrokedmylowerlip.
“Youowemebig-time,”hesaid,andeventhoughhisvoicewassour,hekissedme.Hiskisswaspowerful,notsweet,andIcouldn’thelpcomparinghimwithDan.Myex-boyfriendwasdelicateandcaring—evenifdeepdown,hewasajerk—whereasNicholaswascoldanddominating.Ineverknewwhathewasthinking.Hishandsweren’teventouchingmethen.Justhislips.
“Ihopeyou’renotstupidenoughtoletthatassholeputhishandsonyou.”
Heturnedaround,grabbedaT-shirtandthecarkeysonhisdesk,andleftmethere,tryingtofigureoutifIwouldpullmyselftogether.20Nick
Iwaspissed.Notjustpissed.Somethingelse.SomethingI’dneverfeltinmylife.Ididn’tevenunderstandhowI’dletNoahtellmewhatIshoulddo.Theonlythingwas,nowIcouldbewithherasIliked.Everycellinmybodylitup,butthatwasn’treasonenoughformetoacceptthatridiculousideashehadforgettingridofherboyfriend.I’dgottenoverallthathighschoolbullshitalongtimeago,andtobehonest,therewasafaster,betterwaytodealwithit:breakinghislegsandkickinghimoutofmyhouse,forexample.Noahwouldgetwhatshewanted,andI’dbeabletoblowoffsomesteam.
Igotinmycar,slammedthedoor,anddidn’tstoptothinkhowIwasleavingNoahathomewiththatjerk.Afterseeinghim,Idoubtedanythingwouldhappenbetweenthem.Butatthemerethoughtofthemtogether,Ihadtostompthegasandgetfarawayfromsomethingthatcouldeasilyturnintoaprison,atortureforme.
Sincewe’dfirsthookedup,everythinghadchanged.Ourirritationwitheachotherwasnowanunquenchablelonging,anditputmeinanawkwardsituation.Ididn’tknowwhatIwanted,butIwassurebeinginanactualrelationshipwithNoahwasnogoodforaguylikeme.Noahseemedlikethegirlfriendtype,andI’dneverhadamonogamousrelationship.Ilikedvariety,andIranawayfromcommitmentwithallmymight.NowomandeservedmoreattentionthanIfeltlikegiving,andI’dneverletanyonecontrolmeormydecisions.IdidwhatIwantedwithwhomeverIwanted.NoahMorganattractedmemorethananyothergirl—thatmuchIhadtoadmit—Iwantedhersobad,ithurteventobeaway.Ihadsomanyfantasiesaboutherthatwhenshewasnearby,mymindgotawayfromme,andmybodymovedonitsown.EverythingwasdifferentwithNoah.That’swhyIhadtobecareful.
IparkedoutsideAnna’shouse,grabbedmyphone,andcalledher.
“I’moutside,”IsaidwhenIheardherontheline.Twominuteslater,shecameoutofherhouseandwalkedtowardmycarwithaveryalluringsmile.
IloweredthewindowwhenIsawshedidn’topenthedoortogetin.
“Myparentsareaway.Wanttocomeinside?”sheaskedwithahot,sexysmile.
Ididn’thesitate,andshecamearoundtomysideofthecarwhenIgotout.BeforeIcouldevenspeak,shewasalloverme.Shehadonthesamelipstickasalways;ithadanoddflavor,butithadneverbotheredmeuntiltoday.Ipushedheraway,andwewalkedinside.
“It’sbeenawhile,”shesaid.
“I’vebeenbusy,”Irepliedbrusquely.Iwasn’tthinkingabouther—IwasthinkingabouthowNoahwassleepingjustdownthehallfromherex.
Iwalkedtothelivingroom.Forsomereason,Ididn’tfeellikegoingtoherbedroom.
“Imissyou,Nick,”Annasaid,sittingdownnexttome.
Hercheekswerepink,herlipsgleaming.Shelookedgood,andIedgedover,puttingahandonherbarekneeandstrokingitthewaysheliked.
“Youshouldn’tmissme,Anna,”Isaid.“We’renotanything.”
Hereyeslookedtense,butshedidn’tletmethrowheroff.Webothknewthescore.Annadidgetspecialtreatment,thatwastrue,butsheknewwe’dneverbeanythingmorethanwewere.I’dneverbelongtoawoman.I’dneverletawomanhurtmeagain.
Shekissedme,andIkissedherback,morefromhabitthandesire.Thatirkedme.Annawashot;I’dalwayshadchemistrywithher,morethanwithanyothergirl,butnow,therewasnothing—andthatgottome.
Igrabbedthebackofherneckandpulledherfaceclosertomine.Shewentalongwithit—sheknewwhatIlikedandhowIwantedhertobehave.ShegrabbedontomyT-shirt,wefelteachother’swarmth,but…itdidn’tmatter.Itwasn’twhatIwaslookingfor.
Igaveup.Shelookedatmefulloffire,readyformore.
“Whydon’twegouptomybedroom?”sheasked.Igrabbedherhands,pushedthemaway,andstaredattheTV.
“Idon’tfeellikeit,”Isaid.
Shepickedupherpurseoffthetable.
“Wantsomeofthis?”shesaid,pullingoutajoint.
Ipulledoutalighterasshebroughtittoherlips.
“Thiswillputyouinabettermood,”shesaid,passingitover.
Thatnight,Iletmyproblemsdisappear.
Igothomeatthreeinthemorning.Iwassore,almostasifI’dgottenabeating.WhenIpassedbyNoah’sroomandsawherlighton,Ifeltfurious.Shemustbeawake;sheprobablyhadcompany.Iopenedthedoor,readytoknockoutthatdickheadwho’dinvadedmyhome.
IstoppedshortwhenIsawNoahrelaxedandasleep,curledupunderathinsheet,herblondcurlsspreadoverthepillow,hereyesclosed,atpeace.Thelamponthenightstandcastafaintlightovereverything…andtherewasnotraceofDan.
ItriedtocalmthewavesofangerthathadcrashedovermeasI’dimaginedNoahlyinginbedwithherex-boyfriend,doinganythingbutsleeping.Irememberedthatshewasscaredofthedark,andthatawakenedsomethingtenderinsideme
Herbreathingwassoftandregular.I’dneverjustwatchedagirlsleep.Itwasfascinating.Iwalkedoverclose,wantingtoconfirmatheory.ThecloserIcame,thehardermyheartstartedbeating.Ifeltrelieved…strangebutrelieved.Myhandtwitched,Iwantedtotouchthoselipssobadly;theyweresucculent,thecolorofcherries.Everyinchofmewantedtotoucheveryinchofher,andIknewthenthateverythinghadchanged.Itdidn’tmatterifIhookedupwithAnnaoranyoneelse.NothingwouldbeasintenseasthefeelingsIhadforthatgirlnowsleepinginmyhome.21Noah
Igotuplaterthannormalthatmorning.Ididn’tknowifitwasallthecontradictorythoughtsI’dgonetobedwithortheknowledgethatIhadaharddayaheadofme,butwhenIsawthecloudsinthesky,IknewI’dmadeamistakeaskingforafavorfromNicholasandthatnothinggoodwouldcomeofmyexstayingatmyhome.Iputonaswimsuitandasundress,tellingmyselfI’djusthavetohangontillseven,whenIcouldgotomynewjobandavoidwhateverproblemsDanhadinstoreforme.
I’dthoughtitoveralongtimebeforefallingasleep,andtheonlyfeelingsIstillhadfortheguywho’dbeeneverythingformewererageandresentment.Iwasangry.Ididn’twanttoseehim.Ifeltstupidforeverlettinghimkissme.Maybethatwasjustbecausehewasn’tinfrontofmetostirupoldmemories.ButIhopeditstayedthatwaythatmorning.Ididn’tevenwanttoseehisface.
WhenIwenttothekitchenandsawDansittingatthetablewithacupofcoffeestaringathisphone,Icouldn’tkeepmyselffromscowlingathim.Iwalkedstraightpasthimtothefridgeandgotouttheorangejuice.
“Iwaswaitingforyoutocomedown,”hesaid,standingupandleaningonthecounter.IignoredhimasIslicedthebreadandputitinthetoaster.“Yourparentsaregone.”
“Mymother’sgone,”Icorrectedhim.“Williamisnotmyparent.”
Dansighed,andfinallyIlookedoverathim.Hishairwaswellcombed,andhe’dputonjeansandaT-shirtwithastupidphraseonit.
“Youdon’twanttotalktome?”heasked.“Iwantyouback,Noah.Ididn’tcomeherefromanothercountryjustforavacation.Icameheretogetyoutoforgiveme.”
“Ican’tforgiveyou,Dan.Youcheatedonme,andnotjustonce.I’vegotphotos,Idon’tknowwhosentthem,butI’dassumeit’soneofyourlittlegirlfriends.Theyneverlikedyouandmegoingout,andIguesstheydon’tlikeyougoingoutwithmybestfriend,either.”
BeforeDancouldrespond,Nickcameinwithnoshirton,wearingpajamapantsthathunglowonhiships.Hishairwasscruffy,hisfeetbare…andhemademyheartstartpounding.Danlookedoverattheyoungmanwhohadimmediatelyentrancedme.
Nickstoppedinthedoorwayandanalyzedthesituation.Ibitmylip.Whatwouldhedonow?
“Hi,wehaven’tbeenintroduced,”Nicksaid,stretchingouthishand.Danreactedasecondlate.Icouldseetheveinsinmystepbrother’sarmtenseashesqueezedDan’shand.Danvisiblytriedashardaspossibletopretenditdidn’thurtwhileIstoodtherefidgeting.“I’mNicholas.”
“Dan,”myexsaid.
Thenextthingthathappenedmusthaveshakenhimtothecore:Nickwalkedoverandbentdowntokissmelovinglyonthelips.
“Morning,Precious,”hesaid,eyesglimmeringinawayIcouldn’tquitedecipher.Thenhepouredhimselfacoffeeandwalkedoutintotheyard.
Wow,Nick.Thanksforputtingmeonthespot.
“What’sthisallabout,Noah?”Danasked,seething.
Ishrugged,tryingtoignorehim.
“ItmeansthatI’vemovedon,”Isaid,sittingdownandtakingasipofmyjuice.
“Youdidn’tevenneedtwoweekstofindthatmeatheadtoreplaceme?”
“Youdidn’tevenneedtwenty-fourhours.”
Danwalkedoverandgrabbedthebackofmychair.
“Iknowwhatyou’redoing.Igetit.You’retryingtogivemeatasteofmyownmedicine.Butthatdoesn’tchangeanything,Noah.YouandIhavearelationship.”
“Had.Wehadarelationship,”Isaid,gettingupandraisingmyvoice.
“WhatelsedoIhavetodoforyoutoforgiveme?”
Ilaughed.“Whatelse?Whatthehellhaveyoudone?Letmymombuyyouaplaneticket?MyGod,you’repathetic.”
Iwalkedoutthedoorintotheyard.Nickwaslyingonadeckchair.Isatdownbesidehim.Hetookoffhissunglassesandlookedatmeimpassively.
“CanIbreakhisfacenow?”heasked.
“Idon’tthinkwe’vefooledanyone,”Ireplied.
“IcalledyouPrecious.Forme,Freckles,that’stantamounttoaskingforyourhandinmarriage.”Heslidalockofhairbackbehindmyear.“Yourexislookingoutthewindow,bytheway.”
“WhatshouldIdothen?”
“JustdowhateverItellyou,”hesaid,bendingovertowhisperinmyear.“Likenow—touchme.”
What?
“Comeon,doit.”
Ireachedupanddidasheasked.Hisskinwaswarm,almostfeverishbeneathmycoldhands.Hetensedupasmyfingersfollowedthelinesofhisabs,andheburiedhisfaceinmyneck,nibblingsoftly.
“NowyouleaninanddoexactlywhatI’mdoingnow.”Myhandhadalreadyreachedthesofthairaroundhisbellybutton,buthehadgrabbedme,stoppingmefromgoingfarther.
“YoumeanIshouldkissyourneck?”
“That’sright,Freckles.”
Iputmyhandonthenapeofhisneckandplantedmylipsinthehollowbetweenhisshoulderandcollarbone.Hereachedundermyshirtandstrokedmyback.Ibithisear,tuggingsoftlyatthelobe.Iwasenjoyingthistoomuchforittojustbeplayacting.
ThenextthingIknew,Nickwaspullingonmyponytail,andwhenmyheadjerkedback,hepressedhislipsintomine.Iarchedmybackuntilourbelliestouched,desperateforcontact,andwhenhistonguepushedintomymouth,IthoughtIwouldmeltonthespot.
Heheldmyheadfirmly,immobilizingmewhilehistonguemovedtirelesslyincirclesaroundmine.Ineededtotouchhimagain—notbecausehe’dorderedmeto,nottomakeDanjealous;Ijustneededit,thesamewayIneededoxygentobreathe.IfeltNick’sarms,hishardpecs,andwhenhepulledmeontopofhiminthedeckchair,hiserectionpressedintomystomach.
Nickopenedhiseyes.Hispupilsweredilated.Asavageryfilledhisblueeyesthatseemedtohintatdanger.
“Ishestillwatching?”Iaskedwithlaboredbreathing.
Nicksmiled.
“Whosaidhewaswatching?”
Ilookedoveratthekitchenwindow.Therewasnoonethere.
“Yousaidhewaslookingoutthewindow!”
“DidI?”herepliedinamock-naivetone.
Istoodup,pissed.
“That’senough!”Ishouted.
“Notformeitisn’t,Precious.”
“Youcanstopfaking,Nicholas.Noone’sheretoseeus.”
“WhosaidIwasfaking?”
Thatsurprisedme,threwmeoff-kilter.
Fuck.WhatwasIgettinginto?
Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Thehousewasbig,butIcouldn’tjustforgetDanandNicholaswerethere.Ineededtoescape,killtimeuntilworkstarted,soIputonapairofshorts,atanktop,andmyNikesandwalkedoutinthehall,readyforarunonthebeach.
Justthen,theguestbedroomdooropened,andDancametojoinme.Iignoredhim,headingforthestairs.
“Dammit,Noah,justwait,”hesaidashereachedmeonthelanding.
“Whatdoyouwant,Dan?”Iasked,exasperated.
“Ifyou’renotevengoingtotalktome,Idon’tknowwhatthehellI’mdoinghere.”
“Maybeyoushouldhavethoughtofthatbeforeyoushoweduphereandputmeinthisawkwardposition,”Isaid,turningaroundandwalkingtherestofthewaydownstairs.Hefollowedme,obviously.
“SowhatshouldIdothen?”
“Honestly?Youshouldleave.”
“IguessIthoughtafterninemonthstogether,wecouldatleasttrytofixthings,”hesaid.
WashereallytryingtopretendI’dhurthim?Him?
“I’mnotthatkindofgirl,Dan.AndIdon’twanttobe.”
“Whatkindofgirl?”
“Thekindofgirlwholetsherboyfriendcheatonherandthenjustbecausehesays‘I’msorry’acoupleoftimesdecidestoactlikenothingeverhappened.Ithoughtyouknewmewellenoughtorealizethat,butIguessIwaswrong.”
“Whatthehelldidyouthinkwouldhappen?”hescreamed.“Thatthingswouldjustgoonlikebefore?Youfuckingleft!”
Mylipstartedtrembling.IknewI’dleft.Ididn’tneedhimtoshoutandremindmeofit.
“Right,Ileft.Sothequestionis,whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”
“Ididn’twantthingstoturnoutthisway.Youhookingupwiththefirstdudewhocamealongjusttohurtme.ButIseeyou’vedonethat.Icantakethehint.”
Ilaughedscornfully.
“IsitreallysohardforyoutobelievethatI’mactuallywithNickbecauseIwanttobewithhim?”
Dan’sexpressionwascondescending.
“Comeon,Noah.I’mnotanidiot.Thatwholeactyou’reputtingon,thekissinthekitchen—youdon’tthinkIknowwhatyou’reupto?”
Ifeltmyselfblushing,andthatonlymademeangrier.
“YouwanttoknowwhatI’mupto?”Isaid,steppingtowardhim.“AllthestuffyouandIneverdid—that’swhatI’muptowithhim.”
IknewIwasonshakyground.Danwasveryjealous,andIwassuretheonlyreasonhe’dcomeherewastomakesureIwasstilleatingoutofhishand.Hecouldn’tstandthethoughtthatI’dturnedthepagethatquickly;itwasablowtohisfragilemasculineego.
Byhisexpression,IcouldtellI’dhithimwhereithurt.
Hemusthavewantedtostrikeback,butbeforehecould,Nickappearedintheentryway,walkedover,andstoodbetweenus.
“Howaboutyoufuckoff?”heaskedDanicily.
“Yousleepingwithmygirlfriend?”Danasked,squaringoff.Hismusclesweretense,andtheveininhisnecktwitched.
“WhateverIdowithNoahisnoneofyourbusiness.”
Danseemedtobethinkingoverwhattodonext.Iunderstoodhishesitation.Nickwasscary,especiallywhenhetalkedcalmlyandcoolly,ashewasdoingjustthen.Plushewasolder,bigger,stronger.IevenfeltalittlebadforDan…butnotmuch.
“Dan,youshouldgo,”Isaid,walkingaroundtoNick’sside.
Therewasnothingelsetotalkabout.Thesituationwasridiculousanduncomfortableforbothofus.NotjustbecauseIwaspretendingNicholasandIhadsomethingthatwedidn’tbutalsobecauseDanandIhadpassedthepointofnoreturn.He’dtoldmethathimselfwhenhe’dadmittedhe’dcheatedonmeafterIleft.Sowhatmorewastheretosay?
“I’msorryforallthis,Noah,”hesaid,ignoringmystepbrother’spresence.
Ibitmylip.Ineverthoughtthingscouldenduplikethisbetweenus.
“Iguesswe’rejustaperfectexampleofhowlong-distancerelationshipsdon’twork.”
Dannoddedandwalkedupthestairs,togethisthings,Iassumed.
“I’llmakesurehegetsontheplane,”Nicksaid.Ihadforgottenhewasthere,observingme.Itriedtopullmyselftogether.Ididn’twanthimtoseemethisway,feelingsorryforsomeonewhodidn’tdeserveit.
“I’vegottorun,”Isaid.
Ineededthatjustthen—togetawayfromhim,fromDan,fromthathouse,fromeverything.
AsIturnedaround,hegrabbedmyarm.
“Youokay?”heasked.
WasNickactuallyworriedaboutme?
“Iwillbe,”Isaid,walkingoff.
Ispentthenexthourandahalfwalkingonthebeach,thinking—or,rather,tryingnottothink.Icouldn’tdenyhowmuchithurtthatI’dprobablyneverseeDanorBethagainoranyoneelsefrommyoldlife.Ihadnoreasontogobacktomyoldcity,andthatshatteredmeinside.Myboyfriend,myfriends,theywouldhavebeenareasonto,butnow…
Iranandranuntilmybodyforcedmetothrowmyselfonthesand,exhausted.Ilookedattheclouded-overskyandaskedmyselfhoweverythingcouldchangesofast.Oneminuteyouwereoneperson,thenextminuteyouwereadifferentone
Withoutevenmeaningto,IthoughtbacktothekissNickandIhadsharedthatmorning.Icouldalmostfeelhislipsagainstminestill.Ithadbeensointense.IwasscaredofwhatIwasgettinginto,andIhadtobecareful:Ididn’twanttofallintoanyone’strap,andespeciallynotintoNicholasLeister’s.
Ihadtoprotectmyheart,andthebestwaytodothatwastostayawayfromanythingthatmademefeelsomuchwhenhe’dgivenmesolittle.
Icouldn’tgivethatpowertoNicholas.IfIdid,he’dbetheonepersonwhocoulddestroyme.
Onmywayhome,Igotinthewatertocooldown.Mybodywasburningfromtheexercise.AsIwalkedalongtheshoredryingoff,IranintoMario,thebartenderfromNick’sgangwhohadtakenmetotheraces.
“Hey,Nick’slittlesister,”hesaidwithaperfectsmile,pullingonaleashuntilhisdog,abeautifulGermanshepherd,walkedupbyhisside.
“Hey!”Isaid,actuallyhappytoseehim,andbentovertoscratchhisdogbehindtheears.
“YouovertheLeisterfamilyyet?”heasked.Hehadacontagioussmileandverywhiteteeth.
“Morelikeovereverythingingeneral,butI’mstilltryingtogetusedtoitall.”Itriedtoholdsomethingback.Ididn’twanttoweighthepoorguydownwithmyproblems.
Westartedwalkingtogether.
“Ifyoueverwantmetoshowyouthetown,justsaytheword.ThereareplacesIthinkyou’dlove.”
IwasthankfulfortheofferbutalittleworriedMariomighthavehadotherplansforme.Ilikedhim,sure,butIwasn’ttryingtogetwrappedupinanything.Ihadenoughproblemswithguysasthingswere.
“Imean,Ihaven’thadmuchtimetoseethesights,andIdon’tknowthatIwillnowthatIneedtostartmyjob.”
“Yougotajob!Cool!Where?”
“AtBar48,bytheboardwalk.Today’smyfirstday.”
Marioseemedtobesearchingforsomethinginthebackofhismind,butthenhesaid,“Yeah,Iknowpeoplethere.It’sanicespot.”Butheseemednottobetellingmesomething.
Justthen,wereachedthecliffsideandthestonestepsthatledstraightuptomyyard.
“Comeseemewhenyouwant.Ican’tbuyyouadrink,butIdon’tthinkthey’llmindifIthrowafreeCokeyourway,”Isaid.
Helaughed.
“I’llbethere.Andremember—ifyoufeellikehangingout,myofferstillstands.”
Inodded,butwithoutcommittingmyselftoanything,andwavedgoodbye.
WhenIclimbedthestairstomyroom,Icouldn’thelpbutpeekintotheguestroom.Therewasn’tatraceofDanorofhisthings.
WasIanidiotforfeelingsadattheabsenceofapersonwho’dhurtmesobadly?Whatever.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutitanymore,soIwenttomyroom,showered,anddressedforwork.
WhenIgottoBar48,Iparkedinthelotoutfrontandwalkedinside.Itwasaniceplace;therewerepicturesofrocksingersonthewallandastageinthecornerwheretheysometimeshadlivemusic.Allaroundweretableswithblackchairsandahugebarwithallthebottlesbehindit.WhenIwalkedin,themanager,aroundwoman,toldmewhatmydutieswouldbe.
“Weallchangehere.I’llgiveyouaT-shirtinasec,”shesaid,showingmeadoorinthebackthatledtodrystorage,whichdoubledasachangingroom.“Youpunchinwhenyougethereandpunchoutwhenyouleave.Ifanyoneordersalcohol,justaskmeoroneofyourcoworkers.”
Inoddedeagerly.ThejobwasverysimilartotheoneI’dhadbeforeinCanada.Iintroducedmyselftotheotherthreewaitressesworkingmyshift,whichranfromseventotenatnight.Itwasn’tmanyhours,butwithmytips,itwouldbeenoughtogetby.
Thetimepassedquickly,andIwasgladtohavesomethingtodistractmeforafewhours.Igottoworkrightaway,takingordersandwaitingoncustomers.BeforeIrealizedit,itwastentoten.ThatwaswhenMariowalkedthroughthedoor.
Ismiled,surprisedhe’ddecidedtoshowup.
“Youlookgood,”hesaid,referringtomyuniform:ablackshirtwiththebar’slogoandawhiteaprontiedaroundmywaist.
“Thanks.Youwantsomething?”Iasked.
“I’lltakeaCoke.”
“Somethingfunny?”IaskedwhenIopenedthebottleandpoureditintoaglassforhim.Hissmilewasalmostawkwardlywide.
“I’mjustaskingmyselfwhyyou’rewaitingtableswhenwebothknowperfectlywellyoudon’tneedto.”
“Idon’tlikeotherpeoplepayingformyshit.I’dratherdoitmyself,”Isaid,glancingaroundtoseeifanyoneneededme.Butweweren’tbusy,andIcouldstandthereforawhileandtalk.
IlikedthisMario.
“Whendoyoufinish?”heaskedafterafewminutes’jokingaround.
Ilookedattheclock.
“Now,”Isaid,pickinguphisglassandsettingitonthebar.
“HowaboutIinviteyoutothemovies?”
AllIreallywantedtodowasgohomeandgetintobed.ButMariowashandsomeandnice,anditwouldbefuntogooutwithsomeonewhowouldn’tbeapain.Notmyex,notmystepbrother…
“Today’snotagreatdayforit,butIcoulddotheweekendifyou’reintoit?”
Gettingdownfromhisstool,hereplied,“I’mgoingtoholdyoutoit.”
Wewalkedouttogether.Iwasholdingmykeys;hehadhismotorcyclehelmetinhishand.IlookeduptoseethelastpersonIeverexpectedtofindleaningonthehoodofmycar:Nick.
Istoppedandnoticedhowhiseyeswentfrommetotheguynexttome.Hiswholebodyseemedtostiffen,andinhiseyesIcouldseeagrowingragethatIknewhehadnoproblemunleashing.Butheforcedasmileandwalkedover.BeforeIcouldsayanything,hewrappedanarmovermyshouldersandpulledmein,sotightIcouldn’tmove.
“Hey,Precious,”hesaid.Icouldn’thelpbutrollmyeyes.
“Nick,”Mariogreetedhim,butwithoutlookingover.
Itriedtosaythiswasn’twhatitlookedlike,notbyalongshot,butNickpulledmeofftowardhiscar,wavingacurtgoodbyetoMario.
“Sorry,bigguy,butdmygirlandIhaveplans.”
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”Iasked,wrigglingawayonlytofindthatMariowasalreadywalkingoff.“Areyoucrazy?”
“Crazyaboutyou,Precious,”hesaid,lightingacigaretteasifnothingwereoutoftheordinary.
“YoucandropthePrecious.Itdoesn’tsuityou,”Isaid,crossingmyarms.
“Itdoesn’t,right?”Helaughed.“Babe,that’smoremystyle,Ithink.”
“Why’dyoudothat?”
“Didn’tyouwantthat?Formetopretendtobeyourboyfriend?”
“ImeantinfrontofDan,Nicholas.”
“Ah!”Heclickedhistongue.“Helpmeout,Freckles,you’reconfusingme.”
“Nowhe’sgonnathinkthere’ssomethinggoingonthatisn’t,”Isaid,unabletoignoretheelectricitythatcrackledeverytimeweweretogether.
“Bywhichyoumean…”
“BywhichImeanusbeingtogether.”
“Whatdoyoucarewhatthatidiotthinks?”
Hisvoiceturnedgravelly,harsh.Webothnoticed.
“Idon’twantanyonetothinkyouandIarehookingup.WithDan,itwasnecessary.Butnowthathe’sgone…”
“He’snotgoneyet,”Nickreplied,throwinghiscigarettetotheground.“Iboughthimaplaneticket,buthedoesn’tleaveforthirteenmorehours.It’sgoingtobethelongesttripinhistory!”
IfeltbadforDan.Thirteenhoursintheairportandanotherfiveintheair…
“YouthinkIshouldn’thavedonethat?Icangopickhimupifyouwant.Wecanallgogetdinnertogether.”
Ihadtoadmit,Ilikedhissarcasm.
“Thanksforhelpinggethimoffmyback,”Isaid,stillstrugglingtobelieveNicholashadgoneoutofhiswayonmybehalf.“Youdidn’thaveto.”
“I’mkeepingtrack,”heresponded.“Atthisrate,you’llbemyindenturedservantbeforemytwenty-secondbirthday.”
Ididn’texactlylikewhathe’djustsaid,butitdidremindmeofwhatitfeltliketohavehislipsagainstmine,andIthought,Youcanmakemepayyoubackforasmanyfavorsasyoulike.
Damnhisattractiveness…
“Soyou’resayingyoucan’tjustdosomethingfromthegoodnessofyourheart?”Iwasgettingnervous.Hewassoclosetome,Ihadtoleanbacktolookhimintheeyes.
“Idon’tdoanythingoutofthegoodnessofmyheart,love.”
Thatlastwordalmostmademyheartstop,butitwasevenworsewhenhebentover,grabbedmyneck,andkissedmehard.Icouldn’tspeak,couldn’tthink,couldn’tdoanything…
Isawmyselfreachupandpullhimin.ThereIwasagain,trappedbetweenhimandthecar.Hereachedformywaistwithhisotherhand,andhismusclesfeltsohardagainstthesoftnessofmybody.Ourbreathinggrewlabored.Iwantedmore,neededmore.Nickawakenedsensationsinmethathadbeenasleepmywholelife.
Hiskneepressedbetweenmylegs,andanexquisiteheatsuffusedmybody.
JustwhenIthoughtI’dbeenteleportedtoanotherworld,Nick’sphonerang,wakingusfromthetrancethatsimplekisshadbecome.
Hestoodbackabitandbroughtituptohisear.Lookingaway,Irealizedhoweasilyhecouldseducemewithjustasingletouch—andrightthereinpublic,inthemiddleofaparkinglot!
“I’llbethereinaminute,”hesaidinatoneofvoiceasdistinctaspossiblefromtheonehe’dusedwithmejustbefore.
Hehungupandtoldme,“I’vegottogo.I’vegotsomethingtodo.”
Inodded.
“I’llseeyouathome,”headded.
Whathadhappenedtomakehimseemsodistant?
“Seeyou,Nicholas,”Isaid,climbingintomycar.
WhatIcouldn’tunderstand,afterallthathadhappenedthatday,wasthathisattitudewastheonlythingthathadpissedmeoff.22Nick
Myintentionhadn’tbeentohookupwithherinthebarparkinglot.Quitetheopposite:theconversationinmycarwiththatdumbassDanonthewaytotheairporthadaffectedmemoredeeplythanIcaredtoadmit.Itkeptreplayinginmymind.
“You’vegotnoideawhatyou’regettinginto,”he’dsaidafteranintensesilenceinwhichIcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutpulverizinghim.“Noah’shotforsure,butshe’smorefucked-upthanyouandmeputtogether.”
Iwatchedmybreathing,triedtostaycalmandnotenterintohisgame,butIwantedtoknowwhathewasgettingat.Iwasn’ttryingtobeinarelationshipwithNoah,buttherewasnodenyingmyattractiontoher.
Igrippedthewheelwithoutresponding.
“I’mtellingyoufromexperience.Thatchick’sgotalotmorehiddensecretsthanyou’dthinkatfirstglance,and—”
“That’swhyyoudecidedtocomeouthere,right?”Isaid,turningontoasidestreet.
“Iguessit’shardtoresistagirlwhokeepssomuchtoherself.There’salwaysanotherlayeryou’retryingtopeelback.”
Itriedtoguessatwhathemeantbythat:agirlwhokeepssomuchtoherself…Ihadn’tmetmanyofthose.
“I’mnottryingtoruinthingsforyou,butIdon’tthinkyou’rethetypeofguywho’swillingtowait.Idon’tknowifI’mexplainingmyself.”
“Icanbepatient,”Isaid,staringatthelineofcarsinfrontofme,“butIcanbeimpatient,too.Likerightnow,I’mimpatienttopopyouinthenose.”
Dansmiled,andittookeverythingIhadnottoturnaroundandgiveittohimthenandthere.Thatdickheadwastalkingabouthisex-girlfriendwithnokindofrespectwhatsoever.
Igetit,Iwasnoknightinshiningarmor,butatleastIdidn’ttrytopretend.Iwasstraight-upaboutwhoIwas.Thisdudewasaliarandacheat.
“I’mjustwarningyou,bro.Whenyouletherin,it’shardtolethergo.Justlikeyousaid,I’mhere,right?Ifyoudon’twatchout,you’llfindyourselfeatingoutofherhand,andyouwon’tknowhoworwhyyougotthere.”
Istoppedatthegateattheairport.
“Disappear,”Iorderedhimwithaclenchedjaw.
Dangrabbedhisbagandgotout,butnotwithoutafewlastwords:
“Iwantedtofixit.Bethisnothingcomparedtoher.”
Andthenheturnedaroundandwalkedoff.
I’dspenttherestofthedayonthebeach.Icouldn’tstopthinkingaboutwhatDanhadsaid,anddespitehiswarning,allIwantedwastoseeNoahandbesureshewasokay.Ihadnoideahowtodealwithmyfeelingsforher.
Igrabbedmysurfboardandpaddledoutintotheocean.Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.Havingherinmyhomewastorture.Ilustedafterherlikecrazy,andwheneverIsawher,myimaginationwentwild.Ifmyfatherknewwhatwashappening,he’dkillme.Icouldn’tforget,Noahwasfiveyearsyoungerthanme.
Evenso,Iwenttofindheratthebarshe’dbeenstubbornenoughtogetajobat.Icouldn’tunderstandwhythehellshe’ddothat,especiallyasawaitress.Bar48wasaplacealotofbandsplayed.MyfriendsandIwentthereprettyoften.Thedrinkswerecheap,andallkindsofpeoplewentthere.Iwasn’tatallpleasedtohaveNoahworkingthere,anditwasevenworsewhenIsawhercomeoutwithMario.
HeandIsharedapast—oneIdidn’twantNoahevertoknowabout.ThethingsI’ddonewhenI’dlefthome,thewayI’dactedaftermymotherhadrunoff…MariohadbeentherethrougheverystageofitandknewaboutallI’dhadtogetthroughtoendupwhereIwasnow.Ididn’twantthosesecretscomingtolight—certainlynotwithsomeoneIsharedmyhousewith.
Noah’shairwasdown.Shelookedtired.Shewasclearlystressedoutbymypresence.Shewasbrusquewithme,andheranswersmademewanttodigatherfurther.Thatpushandpullbetweenusamusedme.Iwashavingfunseeinghergrowirate.
Ishouldhavestayedaway,butIcouldn’t.Mylegskeptpushingmetowardheruntiltherewaspracticallynospacebetweenus.EitherIkissedherorIwentcrazy—therewasnootheralternative.Iwasn’tevenconsciousofwhatweweretalkingabout.Somethingaboutdoingfavorsormakinghermyservant…Idon’tknow.
Justthethoughtofhavingheratmymercyturnedmeonunbearably.Ineededit,evenifIknewitwaswrong.IneededherthewayIneededoxygentobreathe
Iburiedmyhandsinherlonghairandpulledherclose.Iwasonthevergeofdesperation.Noah’shandswrappedaroundmyneck,andourbodiescollided.Itastedthesweetflavorofhermouth,savoredherwithmytongue,andIthoughtIwoulddie.Therewasnothinglikekissingthoselips.Iwantedtofeelhershiverinmyarms,makeherfeelthingsnobody,andcertainlynotherassholeex-boyfriend,hadevermadeherfeelbefore.Thatwasmynumberonepriority:herpleasure.Icamecloser,pushedherintothecardoor,pressedmykneebetweenherlegs.
Thesighthatcamefromdeepinsidehermademequiveralloveruntilmyphonerangandwecouldn’tcontinuewhatwe’dstartedthereinthemiddleoftheparkinglot.
ItookonemorelookatherandknewIwaslost.
Ifyoudon’twatchout,you’llfindyourselfeatingoutofherhand,andyouwon’tknowhoworwhyyougotthere.
ItriedtoturnawayfromherpinkcheeksandherswollenlipsandconcentrateonwhateverIwashearing.Ineededtogo,neededtoputdistancebetweenus.Icouldn’tletNoahtakeovermythoughts,mylife.
“I’vegottogo.I’vegotsomethingtodo,”Isaid,hopingshewouldn’tnoticemyconsternation.“I’llseeyouathome.”
Noahpursedherlipsandgotintohercar.
IhadanunpleasantfeelingasIwatchedhergo.
Wasitalreadytoolate?23Noah
AwholeweekhadpassedsincethelasttimeItalkedwithNicholas.Awholeweekofwork,awholeweekwithoutasinglemessagefromDan.Forthat,Iwasgrateful.Afterwhathadhappenedintheparkinglot,Nickwasavoidingme.Itwasalmostinsulting.WhenIgotup,hewasalreadygone,andwhenIcamehomefromworkaroundten,Momwouldtellmehe’dleftjustalittlewhilebefore.Itwaslikeallofasuddenhedidn’twanttoseemeanymore,andtheworstpartwasthedistancehurtmeinawayIcouldneverhaveimagined.MybodywasdemandingIkisshimagain,crawlintohisarms,andIwastormentingmyselfwonderingwhatIcouldhavedonewrong,whyhewasbeingsocoldtomeafterwehadsharedsuchmomentsofarousal.
IknewhewasspendingtimeathomebecauseMomsawhimalmosteveryday,butheonlycamehomewhenIwasgoneorlateatnightafterdoingGodknowswhat.AndsooneSaturdayevening,whichmybosstoldmetotakeoffbecausetheywereclosingthebarforthreedays,IthoughtIwouldfinallycatchupwithNick.Ididn’tknowforsurehewouldbehome.Forthatmatter,Iwasn’tsureIreallywantedtohavehiminfrontofme.
Escapingfrommyownmentalconflicts,Iwenttothekitchen.MomandIhadtalkedabouthavingdinnerthatnightandwatchingacoupleofmovies.WhenwewereinCanada,wehaddonethatalmosteverynight,butsincewe’dmoved,wehardlyspenttimetogether.MomwasalwaysaccompanyingWilliamonhisworktripsorshoppingororganizingendlesseventsorpartiesforLeisterEnterprises.Thatnight,though,shewasfree:Williamwasgoingtobeattheofficelate,andsheandIhadcoordinatedourschedulessowecouldseeeachother.
Itwasalittleaftereight,andMomstillwasn’thome,soIdecidedtomakearoastwithpotatoes.Ilikedcooking.Iwasn’tafancychef,butIcouldholdmyownatthestove.IwascuttingthepotatoeswithoneofthoseknivesliketheysoldonQVCwhenIheardthefrontdooropen.Istiffened.Ididn’tknowitwashim,butmyheartbegantopoundasIheardthoseheavyfootstepsgettingcloser.
Whenwemeteyes,webothfroze,himinthedoorway,menexttotheislandwhereI’djustsetdownmyknife.Helookedsurprisedandthenindifferent.Itriedtobeangry,buttoosoonIwashypnotizedbyhisoutfit,ablacksuitandawhiteshirtbuttonedlowandhisintentionallymussedhairframinghishandsomeeyes.
“Ithoughtyouweresupposedtobeworking,”hesaidwhenwe—oratleastI—hadrecoveredfromtheimpactofnotseeingeachotherforsevenlongdays.Hewalkedinsideandaroundtheisland,openingtherefrigeratorwithadistantair.
“Theyletmeoff,”Isaid,knockedoffguardbytheincredibleattractionIfeltforhim.Myfingertipswereitchingwiththeurgetomessuphishairevenmoreandtearoffhiscarefullyironedshirt.
“Goodforyou,”hesaid.
“Where’veyoubeen?”Iasked,slammingtheknifedownabitharderthannecessary,cuttingthroughthepotatoandleavingamarkacrossthewoodencuttingboardwithadull,almostthuddingsound.
“Around,”hesaidfrombehindme.Icouldn’tturn.IfIdid,he’drealizehowoutofsortsIwas.Ididn’twantNicholastoknowaboutthatunbearableobsessionthathadovertakenmeinrecentdays.Itmademenervoustoknowhewaswatchingme,leaningonthecounter.Afteranintense,uncomfortablesilence,heremarked,“Yourback’ssunburned.”
Knowinghewaslookingatmethatwaymademeevenmorenervous.
“Ifellasleepbythepool,”Isaid,cuttingmorepotatoes,tryingtoconcentrateonmywork.
Ifelthisbreathonmyneckandstoppedmovingtheknifeashesaid,“Youshouldbemorecareful.”
Inearlycutmyself,hemademesoanxious.ButNick’sreflexeswerefastenoughtocatchmyhand.Idroppedtheknifeandlookedbackathim.
“Whyhaveyoubeenavoidingmethispastweek?”
“Ihaven’tbeenavoidingyou.”
Iexhaled.
“Okay,weliveinthesamehouseandIhaven’tseenyouinaweek.I’dsaythat’savoidingme.”
WhydidIcare,though?Hadn’tIhadenoughtroublewithDan?WhywasIgoingtojumpintoanotherrelationshipwhenitwasevidentthatnothinggoodcouldcomeoutofit?
“Idon’thavetoreporttoyou.Iwasbusy.”
Ifeltthebloodboilinginmyveins.
“Ohyeah?Well,Ihopeyoustaybusyforalongtime.”IactedlikeIwasabouttotakeoff,buthestoppedme.
“Whatareyouinsinuating?”
IknewmyreactionwastheexactoppositeoftheoneIshouldhavehad.Therewasnoreasonformetocareifhewasoutlivinghislife.Sure,we’dhookedupafewtimes.Sure,Iwasattractedtohim,andsure,I’dmissedhim,butthatdidn’tdetractfromallthebadthingsNicholasrepresented.
“Nothing,”Ireplied.WhywasIlettinghimaffectme?
“Noah,youshouldstayawayfromme,”hewarnedme.
“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
“Yeah,it’swhatIwant.”
I’dbelyingifIsaidhiswordsdidn’thurt.Noweverythinghadbeensaid.Iturnedaway,promisingmyselfIwouldn’tgetcaughtinhisweb.
ButIwasn’tgoodatkeepingpromises.
WorkwasgreattokeepmeoutofthehouseandawayfromtheemotionalburdenoftryingtoignoreNicktwenty-fourhoursaday.Onenight,JennacalledmeandinvitedmetoalatedinnerataMexicanplace,andIwasdyingfortentocomesoIcouldgohomeandgetready.ItookaquickshowerandthrewonapairofshortsandaDodgersshirtsomeonehadgivenmealongtimeago.IwasinLAnow—wherebettertowearit?Itiedmyhairbackinaponytailanddidn’tevenbotherwithmymakeup.
Iwastryingnottothinkofhowlittletimewasleftuntilschoolstartedorhowweirditwouldbetobesurroundedbystrangersataschoolfullofunbearablerichkids.Sothatnight,Iwasgoingtohavefun.
SomeoneknockedonmybedroomdoorrightwhenIfinishedgettingdressed.
“Comein!”Ishouted,tyingmyConverse,assumingitwasmymothertheretoaskhowmydayhadbeen.
HowwrongIwas.Whenitopened,IsawNickonthethreshold.Istaredupathim,oneshoestillinmyhand.Hewasdressedinjeans,ablackT-shirt,andsneakers.Hisblackhairhadthesamebedheadlookasalways,andhisblueeyeswerestaringatmecoldly.
“What?”Iasked,tryingashardaspossiblenottoshowhimhowangryIwas
“Iheardyou’recomingoutwithmetonight?”hesaidinadistanttone.
Icrossedmyarms.
“FarasIknow,I’mgoingoutwithJenna,notyou.”
“Funny.I’mgoingoutwithJenna…andLion…andAnna.”Heputacertainemphasisonthatlastname.
Dammit,Jenna.Whydidn’tshetellme?Ifeltanexplosionofjealousy.
“Theplanwasjusttogooutandhavefun,sofinebyme,”Isaid,tiredofarguingwithhim,tiredofkissingandthengettingangrywithhim.Itwasexhausting.Ineededtofindawayforustogetalong.“Let’sjustpartyandhaveagoodtime,”Isaid,forcingacompletelyunconvincingsmile.Hiswordshurtme,andthefactthathedidn’twanttotouchmeagainhurtevenmore.
Heseemedtobethinkingovermyoffer.
“Areyouproposingatruce,littlesister?”heaskedinanoddtone.Icouldn’thelpknittingmybrowshearingthosewords,littlesister.
“Exactly,”Isaid,puttingonmyothershoe.
“Great.Wecantakethesamecarthen.”BeforeIcouldprotest,hecontinued,“Jennatoldmeshecan’tpickyouup,andit’sdumbtotaketwocarsifwe’regoingtothesameplace.”
“Ifthat’swhat’sconvenient,”Isaid,grabbingmypurseandwalkingoutthedoor.
“Iwouldhavepreferredthanks,”hesaid,catchingupwithmeasIjoggeddownthestairs.
IlookedathisT-shirt,whichwastightacrosshisupperarmsandback.Whydidhehavetobesohot?Why?
Aswewalkedpastthevestibule,IrealizedIdidn’thaveanycash.Istopped,notsurewhattodo.
“Whatareyoudoing?”heaskedme,annoyed.
Indesperation,Imadeupalie.
“IthinkIlostmywallet.”Ipretendedtolookthroughmypurse.Ihatedputtingonashow,andifIhadn’tknownhewasloaded,I’dhavejuststayedathome,butatthatsecond,theideaofdoingsoseemeddreadful.
“Whyareyoumakingmewastemytime?”heasked.
“WhatImeanis,Idon’thaveanymoney,”Isaid,makingsureheunderstood.
Herolledhiseyes.
“Youalreadymademelosetwohundredthousanddollars.Buyingyouataconowwon’tmakeanydifference.Comeon,gogetinthecar.”Hejumpedintothedriver’ssideandthrewitintogear.
Forabriefmoment,Ifeltguilty,butassoonasIrememberedwhatajerkhewas,thesensationvanished.
Therestaurantwastwentyminutesaway.Iwatchedhiminsilenceasheshiftedgearsandfooledwiththeradio.Ihadn’tbeenalonewithhimsincethatdayinthekitchen,andthefeelingwasstrange.
Thestationhechoseplayedtheworstrapsongsinhistory,butsinceheseemedtoknowallthewords,Ioptednottocomplain.Ilookedoutthewindowatallthehugehouseswewereleavingbehindandwassurprisedwhen,insteadofpullingontothefreeway,heturnednorth,towardadevelopmentnexttoours.
“Wherearewegoing?”Iasked.
“I’vegottopickAnnaup,”hesaidwithoutlookingover.ItriedashardasIcouldtoignorethehorriblefeelingthosewordsinspired.
Hecouldtellthathadaffectedme.Thetensionanddiscomfortwerepalpable,andmythoughtsturnedtoallthathadhappenedbetweenus.
“Look,asfarasthewaythingshavebeenlately,”hesaidinacalmbutcooltone.Great.TheverythingIdidn’twanttotalkabout.
“Iproposewetrytogetalongbetter,likebrotherandsister,andforgeteverythingelsethat’shappened.”
Iturnedtohim,oneeyebrowraised.
“Youthinkyou’regoingtotreatmelikeasisterafterfeelingmeupallthosetimes?”
Heclenchedhisjaw,andhisveinsdancedbeneathhisskin.
“Likeafriend,then,goddammit,”hesaid.“You’reimpossible.I’mjusttryingforustogetalongbetter.”
“Bytreatingmelikeasister,”Isaid,gettingmoreandmorepissedoffwitheachminutethatpassed.
Heglaredatme,andIglaredback.Thatburningemotioninoureyeswhentheymetwastoodangeroustoexpressinwords.
“Itoldyou:we’refriends,”hebarked,andthecontrastbetweenhistoneandwhathewassayingmademelaugh.Thankfullyheturnedbacktotheroad.
“Fine,”Iagreedafterafewseconds.IguessedpretendingtobeNicholas’sfriendwasbetterthanusattackingeachothertwenty-fourhoursaday,evenifIcouldn’ttrustmyselfnottolustafterhimeverytimeIlaideyesonhim.Ididn’tthinkfriendswastherightword,though.Relativesobligedtotolerateeachother.Isaidthistohim,andIwashappywiththetermbecausefriendsimpliedtoomanythings.Tobefriendsmeantbeingtogetherthroughthickandthin.Iwasn’teventherewithJennayet,andgettingtoknowherhadbeenwonderful.
Animpossible-to-interpretsmilecrossedNicholas’slips.
“I’mnotsosureaboutrelatives…Howaboutdistantpseudo-relativesobligedtotolerateeachotherandhookuponceinawhile?”Oh,sohewasmakingfunofme.
Islappedhimplayfully,andhissmilejustgotbigger.ItwasstrangehowcomfortableIfeltafterthat,inthefewminutesremaininguntilourarrival.Ithadevenbeenfun,insomeweird,twistedway.
Nicholasstoppedthecarinfrontofabighouse—notasbigasours,butbigenoughtomakeapersonlikemegawkandstare.Nickpickeduphisphoneanddialed.
“I’mhere.Comeonout,”hesaidcoldly,especiallycomparedwiththepastfewminutes,whenhe’dbeenmorerelaxedthanI’deverseenhim.
“Youreallyareagentleman.Youknowthat,right?”
“Idon’tgoforthatbullshit,”hesaid,puttingawayhisphoneandshiftingintofirstashesawthedoorcrackopen.“Agirlisperfectlycapableofleavingherhousewithoutanescort.”
Nicholas’sdatewasn’ttootall—Ihadagoodfiveinchesonher—andherexpressionwassostiffandsnobbythatI’dputherstraightonmylistofenemies.Icouldstillrememberhercommentaboutmyex,anditmademelivid.
Itwasfunnyhowhereyesgotbiggerasshesawwhowasinthecar.Firstherlipspursed,thenshescowled,andbythetimeshegothere,shewasactuallyugly.
Shestoppedinfrontofmywindow,clearlyintendingtosaysomething.ToobadIdidn’tfeellikerollingitdownsoIcouldhearher.Nicholasgroanedandtouchedthebuttononhisside,loweringitagainstmywill.
“Whatisthis?”Annaasked,lookingatusincredulously.
“Acar,”Ianswered,laughingather.
Ifeltapinchonmythigh,andIwasabouttoslapNick’shandaway,butthenIsawhe’dappreciatedmyremark.Hewastryingtolookserious,buthiseyeswereshiningasheheldbackagiggle.
“Getin,Anna,”hesaid,androlledmywindowbackup.
Shestareddaggersintomeonemoretimebeforeopeningthebackdoorandgettingin.Shewasn’tusedtobeingbackthere,anditentertainedmetowatchherintherearviewactinglikeaspoiledlittlegirl.
Onceweleftthedevelopment,wefinallyturnedontotheinterstate.Iwasstarving,andIwantedtogetthereassoonaspossible.
Noonesaidanything;therewasjustthenoiseofthemotorandtheroad,andthistimeIwastheonewhoturnedontheradio.ThenIleanedback,crossedmyarms,andlookedoutthewindow.Annaseemedtohaverunoutofherdumb,supposedlywittyremarks,andNicholaswaslostinthought,apparentlyunconcernedwithhowharditwasformetositinthesamecarwiththebimbohewashavingsexwith.Ididn’tknowanythingabouttheirrelationship,butitcouldn’thavebeentooseriousifhe’dhookedupwithmeallthosetimes.
Iwasgratefulwhenwereachedtherestaurantontheoutskirtsofthecityonaroadfullofbarswithnoisypeoplemillingaround.IsawJennaandLionbythedoor,andwhenNicholasparked,Iranofftowardthem.
Jennahuggedme.Lion’sresponsewascooler,butstill,hewasfriendlierthanNick.IwassurprisedtoseeMariowaswithhim.He’dcometoseemeandtalkatthebarwhereIworkedseveraltimes,andI’dgottenusedtothatsmileandthosepearly-whiteteeth.
“Ifitisn’tmyfavoritewaitress!”hesaid.ButhissmilevanishedwhenhesawNickandAnnacomeover.
Theyexchangedanunmistakablyhostilelook.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Nicholasaskedgruffly.Whydidhealwayshavetoactlikesuchanasshole?
“Wejustranintohim,andItoldhimheshouldcomeeatwithus,”Jennasaid,winkingatme.Sheclearlyknewnothingaboutthetensionbetweenthem.
Beforemystepbrothercouldstartafightrightonthespot—knowinghim,itwouldn’thavesurprisedmeintheleast—Ishouted“Great!”andforcedasmile.
Therewasalonglinetogetintotherestaurant.Luckilyitwasnothingfancy,soIfitrightin,unlikeAnnainherheelsandtinydress.“Mario,you’llbemydatetonight,”Isaid.“Iwasn’tinthemoodtoplaythirdwheelanyway.”Marioseemedpleasedandthrewanarmovermyshoulders,pullingmeinclose.
“Excellent!”hesaidandwalkedovertothehoststand.IturnedmybackonNicholas.Helookedincensed.
Afewminuteslater,wewereseatedataroundtableinasideroomawayfromalltheracket.IguessedthenamesNicholasLeisterandJennaTavishmeantsomethingthere.
IsatbetweenMarioandJenna.SinceLionwasnexttoJennaandAnnanexttoMario,thatmeantNicholaswasrightacrossfromme.Aftereveryoneorderedtheirdrinks,wesatthereinuncomfortablesilence.WithNicholastryingtoplaythetoughguy,itwasallIcoulddonottotellhimtofuckoff.Thankfully,Jennafinallypipedup.
“Youknowwhat,Anna?”Jennagrinnedatme,clearlyawareofAnna’sirritationassheglancedallaround,tryingtofigureoutwhatwasgoingon.“Noah’sgoingtogotoSt.Marie’s.YoushouldintroducehertoCassie,sincewe’llprobablyallbeinthesamehomeroom.”EversinceJennafoundoutwe’dbegoingtothesameschool,itwasallshecouldtalkabout.
“Who’sCassie?”Iasked,tryingtokeeptheconversationgoingeventhoughAnnaclearlywasn’tinthemoodforit.
Shelookedupfromhercellphonewithaglimmerinherdarkeyes.Ifeltintimidated.Whatwasshecookingupinthatdumbheadofhers?
“She’smylittlesister,”shesaid,glancingoveratNick.Whenshecaughthiseye,heleanedoverthetableandtookherhand.
“Little?”Iasked,dubious.“Howoldareyou?”
Withalookofsuperiority,shereplied,“Twenty.Andinayear,I’llbedonewithcollege.”Soshethoughtshewasbetterthanme.
“I’dhaveneverguessed,”Iresponded,provokingherindignation.NickshookhisheadvigorouslywhileJennatittered.
“Tellmesomething,Noah,where’dyoulearntodrivesowell?”Marioasked,changingthesubject.IknewthatsubjectwouldirkNick,remindinghimofhowhe’dlosthiscar.
“Nowhere.ItwasjustgoodluckthatIwontherace,”Isaid,shruggingmyshoulders.ThenIdugintothechipsandsalsaandnervouslystartedchewing.Ididn’twanttogetintoit.Let’ssaysomethingsarebetterleftdeadandburied.
“Getout!Itwasamazing!”Jennasaid.“IthadbeenforeversinceanyonebeatRonnie,andyoulefthiminthedust,evenNick…”Sherealizedwhereshewasgoingandseemedtodecidetotrailoff.
“Youactuallywantustothinkyoujusthappenedtowin?”Annaaskedwithfalsefriendliness.
Nickleanedbothforearmsonthetableandpinnedmewithhisblueeyes.
“Spititout.How’dyoulearntoracelikethat?”
Thequestionwassodirectthatonlythepureandsimpletruthwoulddo.ButIwasn’twillingtogivehimthat.TherewerethingsinmypastIdidn’twanttotalkabout.SoIlied.
“MyunclewasaNASCARdriver.HetaughtmeallIknow.”
Isawsurpriseinhisfaceandalittlebitofdoubt,butjustthen,thewaitressshowedupwithourorder.IhadalwayslikedMexicanfood,especiallytacos,andIusedthedistractiontochatupMario.Hewasalwayseasytotalkto.Atsomepoint,Istartedcrackingupatsomethinghe’dsaidthatnooneelsehadheardbecauseeveryonewaswrappedupintheirownconversations.
Aftercalmingdown,IbentovertotakeasipofmysodaandlookedupatNick,whoseemedfuriousanduninterestedintalkingwithAnna,Jenna,andLion.
Icouldn’timaginewhathadhappened,butIwasn’tgoingtoask,either.Ourtruceoverthesepastfewdaysseemedasfragileasathread,andIknewIcouldbreakitifIsaidordidanythingthatgotunderhisskin.
“Thepartyatyourplacewasgreat,Nick.Weshouldtrytothrowanevenbiggeroneandgeteveryoneovertocelebratetheendofsummer,”Jennasaid.
Thewholetablenodded,butallIcouldthinkaboutwaswhathadhappenedbetweenNickandmethere.Ithadbeenthefirsttimewe’dreallyhookedup.
“Noah,you’reredasatomato,”Jennasaid.
Iwantedtodie,especiallywhenIlookedupatNickandsawheseemedtobethinkingexactlythesamethingasIwas.
“It’sthesalsa,”Isaid,takingasipofmydrink.
Soonafterward,weaskedforthecheck.I’dforgottenIneededtoborrowmoneyfromNick,andthatmadeitweirdwhenMariosaidhewantedtopayforme.Nicholasinterruptedhim:
“I’vegother.”
IcouldtellMariowasgoingtoargue,soIjumpedin.Annawaspissed,too,especiallysinceNickhadn’tsaidawordaboutpayingforher.
“Ilostmywallet,”Isaid,tryingtosoundindifferent.
“Okay,thatsettlesit.I’vegother,Nicholas,”Mariosaid.
“Sureyoucanaffordit?”Nicholasaskedmaliciously.“Iwouldn’twantyoutoblowallyourtipmoneyononemeal.”
Icouldn’tbelievewhathewassaying.Therewasanuncomfortablesilence,andMariotensedlikeadogunderattack.Iknewtherewasabouttobeaconfrontation,andIhadnoideahowtoavoidit.
BeforeMariocouldrespond,Igrabbedhishandunderthetable.Hewassurprised,buthesqueezedbackasecondlater.
“Payitifyoufeellikeit,”hesaid,standingupandpullingmealongwithhim.Hedroppedatwentyonthetableandturnedtowardme.Thefactthatwewereholdinghandswaslostonnoone.
“HowaboutItreatyoutoanicecream?”hesaid.Ilikedhowhehadn’tlethisragegetthebetterofhim.Mariowasn’taviolentguy,evenifhehadthemusclestotanglewithNick.Ismiled.
“Hellyeah!”
Jennagawkedatmeatfirstandthensmiledknowingly.
Wesaidgoodbye—Ididn’tevenbotherlookingatNick—andleft.24Nick
Icouldn’tstopthinkingofmyfistcrashingintothatfool.Thewholedinner,I’dbeenfantasizingaboutslamminghimintothewallandusinghimasapunchingbag.Mariocouldn’tbewithNoah—thatwasthat.Ididn’twantanyonetobewithher,actually,andIdidn’tcaretothinkaboutwhy.Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffherthewholemeal.Thewayshelaughed—sodifferentfromme—howeasyshewastotalkto,thatwaysheunconsciouslyrubbedthatpartofherneckwhereshewastattooed,allofthatdrovemecrazythewholenight.
AfterseeingherleavewithMario,IhadgottenupandtakenAnnahome,andInowfoundmyselfonthewaytoabar.Icouldn’tstickaroundAnna’splace;itwasunbearable.I’dbeenspendingtoomuchtimewithherthesepastfewweeks.IfIdidn’twantthingsgettingserious,I’dneedtofindanothergirltohangoutwith.IheadedforaclubI’dbeentoalotinrecentyears,inaroughpartoftownwheremanylessthanrespectablepeoplehungout.Thedoorguysknewme,soIdidn’thavetowaitinline.Inside,themusicwasdeafening,andtheblinkinglightsgaveastrange,eveneerieglowtothesweatybodiesdancingthere.Whoknewwhattheywereallhighon.
Iwalkedovertothebarandorderedawhiskeywhileglancingaroundatthecrowd.SincetheyearI’dlivedwithLioninthatneighborhoodfarfrommyfather,hismoney,andeverythingtheLeisternamerepresented,I’dfoundmyplaceamongthesepeople.Theyrespectedme,theyacceptedme,andtheyweretheperfectescaperoutefromeverythingIhatedaboutthelifeIwasnowbeingforcedtolive.I’drunawayassoonasI’dturnedeighteen.SinceMomhadleft,myrelationshipwithDadhaddwindledawaytonothing,andIdidn’tthinkanyonewouldcareifIjustupanddisappearedandtriedtogoitalone.ButDadhadwoundupsendinghissecuritychief,Steve,tofindme.Ithadbeenironic,seeingatallguyinasuitshowingupatthehouseI’dbeenlivinginthen,andevenmoresowhenhe’drealizedthatifhewantedtomakemegoback,he’dneedanarmy
StevehadworkedformyfathersinceIwasakid,andheknewmewellenoughtorecognizetherewasnowayhecouldforcemetogohomeagainstmywill.Butthenthethingwithmysisterhadhappened,andI’dneededmyfather’shelp.
ThedayafterSteveshowedup,allmycreditcardshadbeencanceled,andmycheckingaccounthadbeenblocked.I’dhadtogetajobatLion’sdad’sgaragetomakealiving.ButIhadneverfeltfreerormoremyself.
Lifeinthatneighborhoodhadbeentough.I’dgottentheshitkickedoutofmeassoonasI’dshownupthere,andI’drealizedthatIwouldnevermakeit,beingamillionaire’sson,unlessIturnedintooneofthem.Ihadstartedtrainingeverydaywithoutfail:noonewasgoingtoputtheirhandsonmeagainwithoutknowingI’dhitback.Lionhadshownmehowtodefendmyself,howtothrowapunch,andhowtotakeone.MyfirstrealfighthadcometwomonthsafterI’dstartedtraining.I’dleftRonnielaidoutonthegroundcoveredinblood,andthathadgottenmetherespectofallpresent.Theracesandthegamblinghadcomeawhilelater,andRonnieandIhadmadeatruce,butthatmeantpeoplestartedchoosingsides.TherewereLionandourguysandIandthenRonnieandhisdealersanddelinquents.Heknewitworkedoutbetterforhimtobecordialwithus,especiallyaftermyfathergotusoutofjailwhenwe’dbeenchargedwithdisturbingthepeace.
EverythinghadchangedwhenI’dcometoneedmyfather’shelp.Icouldn’thaveignoredthefactthatIhadasisterandwantedtomeether.Dadhadsaidhe’dhelpwiththetrialandgetmevisitationrightsifI’dmovehome,gotocollege,andstaywithhimforatleastthreeyears.I’dhadtoagreeandgobacktoLeistermansion,andoncethere,Ihadrealizedmyfatherwasn’tindifferenttome.Ourrelationshiphadimproved,butmylifehadbasicallystayedthesame.Ilivedwithhimnow,butIspentmostofmytimewithLion,gettingdrunk,gettinghigh,andgettingintotrouble.AslongasIsleptathomeandwenttoschool,Daddidn’tgetmixedupinmylife,andIstayedoutofhisbusiness,too…andthingshadcontinuedthatwayuntilnow.
Fightsandraceswereaneverydaythingforme,andRonnie’sandLion’sgangsweregettingintomoreandmoreconfrontations.Thingswereworsenowthanbefore,butI’dalwaysseenthehiddenresentmentinRonnie’seyes.Weneededthattruce:welivedinthesametown,andweranwiththesamepeople.Butourfriendlyrivalryhadturnedintoafeudbetweentwogangs,anditwasgettingdangerous,aslasttimehadshown.Mesmashinghisfaceatthelastracehadbeenanaffront,andtherewasgoingtobebacklash,Ijustdidn’tknowwhen.Noahbeatinghimwasthegreatesthumiliationimaginable,andIknewI’denduphavingtodealwithit.Theproblemwas,Ronniewasn’tjustastreetfighteranymore.Thiswasgettingugly.Iknewafterheshotatushowdangeroushecouldbe,andIcouldn’tstopthinkinghe’dcomeforNoahatsomepointinthenearfuture.
Damnher.Why’dshehavetodothat?Damnherforfuckingupeverythingforme.Ineededtostopthinkingabouther,getbacktomylife,havefunthewayIalwaysdid,enjoymyselfthewayIalwayshad…
Ablondstuffedintoaskimpyhaltertopandblack-leatherpantssidleduptomeatthebar.
“Hey,Nick,”shesaid,andwhenIsawthedragontattooonhercollarbone,IrealizedI’dhookedupwithherbefore.HernamestartedwithanS:Sophie,Sunny,Susan,somethinglikethat.
Inoddedtoher.Iwasn’tinthemoodtotalk,butIwasinthemoodforotherthings.Shewasalreadyclosetome;itdidn’ttakemuchtoturnthatproximityintoakiss.
Igrabbedherwaistandpulledherintome.Herbreathsmelledlikevodkaandsomethingsweet.ShewasexactlywhatIneededtorelievethetensionfromthepastfewdays.IgrabbedherhandanddraggedhertooneoftheVIPtables,wherewecouldescapefromthelights.
ButwhenIsawhowSusan’shairshoneindifferentcolorsasshepassedundertheneon,IthoughtofNoah.Cursing,IpushedheragainstthewallharderthanIneededto,butshesighedwithpleasure,soIfeltfreetokeepgoing.Herbodypressedagainstmineinalltherightplaces,butherlipsweretoogreedy,thatwasn’twhatIwanted.Ileanedinandkissedherontheneck.Shesmelledlikeliquorandsmoke.Ipulledasideherhairandlookedatthedragontattoo…butthetattooIwantedtokisswasanother,andthatwasn’ttheneckthatdrovemewildassoonasIlookedatit.
Igrabbedherface.Therewasn’tasinglefreckleonit.Herblueeyesweren’thoney-colored,herlashesweren’tlong.
Ipulledaway.
“Whatisit?”Susanasked,herhandsmovingdowntomycrotchandstrokingme.Igrabbedherwristandjerkeditaway.
“Sorry.Gottago,”Isaidandturnedmyback.Ididn’tevenbotherlisteningtohercomplain.Ineededtoleave.
Iwalkedaroundacornertowardanalley,tryingtoignoretheintimationthatIwasscrewingup.Bad.Iwassoangry,soself-absorbed,thatIdidn’tevenrealizewhowasattheendofthestreetuntilfamiliarvoicesmademelookup.Rightaway,Iwasonedge.
Ronnieandthreeofhisdrugdealerfriendswereleaningonacar,aFerrari…myFerrari.Istopped,clenchingmyfirsts,strugglingtorestrainafurythatwascryingtogetout.
“Lookwhowehavehere!”Ronnieshouted,steppingawayfromthehoodandtowardme.“Daddy’slittlerichboy.”Helaughed,andhisgoonslaughedalong.Irecognizedallthreeofthem:twotattooedguyswhowerehighasakiteandCruz,Ronnie’sright-handman.
“Youheretobegforyourcarback?”Ronnieasked.I’dhavehappilyknockedthatsmilerightoffofhisface.
“Youmeanthecaryoucheatedyourwayintogetting?”Iasked.“Whatever.Maybewitharealcar,you’llactuallylearnhowtodrive.Imean,youdon’twanttolosetoaseventeen-year-oldgirlagain,doyou?”
Itwasdeeplypleasingtoseehowtheremarkaffectedhim.Hewasn’tsmilingnow.No,theveinswereswellinginhisneck.
“You’llregretthat,”hethreatenedme,tryingtoactcalm.“Gethim!”heshouted.
Ihadknownthatwasgoingtohappen.IknewitassoonasIsawthem,andIwasready.IpunchedthefirstguywhocameoverandgrinnedwhenIfelthisnosebreak.Someonegrabbedmefrombehind,andIfiredbackwithanelbow,strikingsomethinghard,probablysomeone’smouth.Cruzcameovertohelpthetwoothers,butbeforehegotthere,I’dalreadyhitgoonnumberoneagainintheface.Nowitwasmyturntosuffer.Someonepunchedmeintherighteye,hardenoughtoknockmeaside,butstill,Imanagedtokickwhoeverwastryingtograbmyarms.Iheldoutawhilelonger,butthreeagainstonewastoomuchevenforme,especiallywithCruzinthepicture.HewaseverybitastoughasLion.One-on-one,Imighthavetakenhim,butwiththeotherguysrestrainingme,therewasn’tmuchIcoulddo.
Cruzstartedpoundingmeintheribs,andItriednottoscreamasIthoughthowmuchI’dliketokillhimwithmybarehands.Ronniecameover.Thelookonhisfacetoldmethiswasn’tgoingtobetheendofit.
“TellyourlittlesisterIhaven’tforgottenwhathappenedonthetrack,”hesaid.Noah’sinnocentfaceappearedinmymind.Ronniegrabbedmebymyhairandpulledmyfaceclose.Hestanklikecheapbeerandweed.“AndtellherwhenIseeher,I’mgoingtomakeherpay,andI’mnotjusttalkingaboutcashoracar.”Isawredallover.Iwastremblingwithviolence.Iwasgoingtokillthatmotherfucker.
“I’mgonnabustherwideopen,Nick,”hesaid.IfIcouldhavemoved,I’dhaveheadbuttedhimandknockedhisnoseboneupintohisbrain.“AndwhenIdo,I’mgonnawreckthatpussysobadyouwon’tevenwanttogonearit.”
“I’llkillyou,”Isaid.Threewords,onepromise.
Helaughedandpunchedmeinthestomach.Everyounceofairinmecameout,andIhadtobendovertocoughandspitupblood.
“Don’tcomearoundherenomoreorI’llbetheonetokillyou.Don’tthinkIwon’t,”hesaid,turningaround.Theguysholdingmeletgoafteronefinalpunchintheface.
Thosesonsofbitches.
Istumbledofftomycar.Ibarelymadeithome.Everyonewasasleep;itwasafteroneinthemorning.Strangely,therewasnolightcomingfromNoah’sroom.Nowayshewasstillout.Iopenedthedoor.Herbedwasmade.
Icursed,walkedintomyroom,andpulledoffmyclothes,tryingtogritmyteeththroughthepain.Iwasinbadshape;ithadbeenalongtime—fouryearstobeexact—sinceI’dreceivedabeatinglikethat.Ithadbeendumbofmetowanderdownthatalleybymyself.I’dmadeiteasyforthebastard.
Igotintotheshowerandletthewaterwashawaythebloodandsweat.They’dmostlystucktomystomachandribs,soIcouldcoverupmybruiseswithaT-shirt.Theblackeyeandbustedlipwereadifferentstory.I’dneedtocomeupwithagoodexplanationforDadoravoidhimuntiltheswellingwentdown.Ihadsomepractice.Ididn’tgethitinthefaceoften,butwhenwehadourfightsandmoneywasontheline,sometimestherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutit.
Icouldn’tstopthinkingabouthowRonniehadthreatenedNoah.Hemusthavewantedtostrangleherafterthatpublichumiliationattheraces.ThemerethoughtofthatscumbagtouchinghermademesomadIcouldhardlykeepfrompunchingthemirrorinfrontofme.
Idriedoffandthrewonsomesweatpants.Istayedshirtless,sincesomeofmywoundswerestillbleeding.IrinsedoutmymouthandmadesureIhadn’tcrackedanyteeth,butIwasgood.Myliphadevenstoppedbleeding,butitwasredandpurple,justlikemyeye.Andbothwouldbethatwayforsometime.
Igrabbedmyphoneandwalkedoutintothehallway,thinkingI’dtrytofindoutwherethehellNoahwasandgetsomeiceformywounds.
Fiveminuteslater,asIwaswalkingoutofthekitchenwithmyphonetomyear,Iheardthekeyturninginthefrontdoor,andthemainreasonformybadmoodappeared.
Herphonewasbuzzing.ItstoppedwhenIhungup.Shelookedupatme.Hereyesweresurprisedandthenhorrified.
“Wherethehellhaveyoubeen?”Iasked.25Noah
ThelastthingIexpectedwhenIopenedthedoorwastoseeNickstandingtherewiththeshitkickedoutofhim.Iwassurprised,asIwalkedupthestairs,toseethathewascallingme.WhenIlookedupathim,thatfeelingchangedtoterror.
“Wherethehellwereyou?”heshouted.Asalways,hewasintimidating.Thequestionwasunsettling,buthisappearancewastrulyawful.Hislefteyewaspurple,hislipsplit,butthatwasn’ttheworst:historsowascoveredinbruisesstillspreadingunderthattannedskin,overthoseshapelyabs.Seeingthosewoundsparalyzedme.Inapanic,Istartedtofeelfaint.Ihatedthesightofblood,andmyearsstartedringing.Ihadtoholdontothedoorframetostaystanding.
“Whathappenedtoyou?”Iaskedquietly.
Hewasangry.Icouldseeitinhiseverygesture.Itwasalmostasifhiswoundsweremyfault.
“Iaskedyouaquestion,”hesaid.
Ishookmyheadandshutthedoorsoundlessly.MymotherandWillwereinbed,andIdidn’twanttowakethem.Nickdidn’tseemtocare,though,tojudgebyhisvoice,whichwasnearlyshouting.
“IwaswithMario,”Isaid,walkingclosertohim.Iwantedtorunawayfromthosehorriblewounds,butIcouldn’tignorethestatehewasin.“LionandJennametupwithustohaveicecream.Whatdoyoucare,anyway?Haveyouseenyourself?”Ireachedoutwithoutrealizingittotouchabruiseonhisribs.
Hereachedouttobrushmeasidebutseemedtochangehismindandgraspedmyhandtightlyuntilithurt.Ilookedupandsawtherageandfearinhiseyes.
“Cometothekitchen.Ineedtotalktoyou.”Hepulledmeaway,andIcouldn’thelplookingathisbareback.MyGod,youcouldseeeverysinglemuscleinitashewalked!Thatawakenedinmeadesiretotouchhisfirmbody.Anotherbruisewasstartingtoformonhisside.Ihatedwhoeverhaddonethattohimsomuch,myvisionstartedclouding.
Nickturnedonatablelamp,sothelightwasdimaswesatdownonabenchnexttotheisland.Heneverletgoofmyhand.Itwaskillingmetoseehimlikethis;hiseyesweresquintingfromthepain,andallIcouldthinkaboutwaswhatIcoulddotomakehimfeelbetter.
“Didyounoticeanythingweirdwhileyouwereout?”heasked,worrycloudinghisface.“Anyonefollowingyouorsomethinglikethat?”
Ihadn’texpectedthequestion.Lookinghimstraightintheeye,unabletobelievewhatIwashearing,Isaid,“No,ofcoursenot.Why?”
Heletmegoandturnedaside,frustrated.Iwishedhehadgoneonholdingme,butIjustsatthere,still.
“Ronniehasn’tforgottenabouttherace.”NowIcouldguesswhatthiswasallabout.“Hewantsrevenge,andifheseesyou,hewon’thesitatetohurtyou.”
“Ishetheonewhobeatyouup?”Iasked,cursingthebastardinmymind.
“Himandhisthreefriends,”headmitted.
“MyGod,Nick!”Isaid,feelingastrangepressureinmychest.Ibroughtmyhandsuptohisface,feelinghiswounds.“Fouragainstone?”
Hestiffenedandthenrelaxed.Skirtingoverhiswounds,myfingerstraveleddownhischeeks,feelingtheraspytouchofhisstubble,whichmadehimsofrighteningandsexyatthesametime.
“Youworriedaboutme,Freckles?”heasked.Hewastryingtobefunny,butIcouldn’tlaughasIfelthisbruisesandhegrimaced.Hereachedupandpulledmyhandsaway.“I’mfine,”hesaid.
“Youhavetogotothepolice,”Isaid,walkingofftowardthefridge.Igrabbedabagoffrozenpeasandreturnedtohim,placingitoverhiseye.
“Withguyslikethat,youdon’tgotothecops,butanyway,we’vegototherproblems.”Hegrabbedthebagandpulleditawayfromhisfacesohecouldlookdirectlyatme.“Noah,untilthingscalmdown,Idon’twantyougoinganywherebyyourself,hearme?”Hisvoicesoundedlikethatofabigbrother.“Thesepeoplearedangerous,andthey’vegottheireyesonyou.Me,too,butIdon’tcareifIhavetotakeabeating.Icandefendmyself.You,though…Iftheyfindyououtonyourown,they’lleatyoualive.”
“Nicholas,theywon’tdoanythingtome.Theydon’twantproblemsjustbecauseIwoundedsomedickhead’sego,”Isaid,ignoringthelookofwarninginhiseyes.
“Untilthisisover,I’mnotgoingtotakemyeyesoffofyou.Idon’tcarehowyoufeelaboutit.”
Werewenevergoingtogetalong?
“You’reunbearable,youknowit?”Ihissed.
“I’vebeencalledworse.”Heshrugged.
“Putawarmclothonyourbruisesandkeepsomethingcoldonyoureyeandlip,”Isaid,feelingbadforhim.“You’llfeellikeshittomorrow,butifyoutakeanaspirinandstayinbed,you’llbefineintwoorthreedays.”
Hisforeheadfurrowed,butasmilespreadacrosshislips.
“Youanexpertinhelpingpeoplerecoverfrombeatings?”
Ididn’tbotherresponding.
ThatnightIwentstraighttobed…andIhadnightmares.
Thenextmorning,Igotupinabadmood.Ihadn’tsleptwell,andtheonethingIwantedwastostaytherelyingaroundmyroom.Onlyonethingmademeslideoutofthebedandwalktowardthebathroom.WhetherIadmitteditornot,IwantedtoknowhowNickwas.Idon’tknowwhenorhoworwhy,butIfeltsuddenlyworriedabouthim.Thingsseemedtobegoingsmootherwithus.Hehadn’ttriedanythingwithmesincehe’dtouchedmeinthekitchenthattimeIhadalmostcutmyfinger,andapartofmewasbitteroverit.TheonlytimemylifefeltgoodinLAwaswhenIwasinhisarms.Hemademeforgeteverythingelse.ButIknewitwasbetterforustogetalongthantobeconstantlyshiftingbetweenmakingoutandhatingeachothertodeath,whichwasthewaythingshadbeenbefore.
Itookaquickshowerandthoughtaboutthenightbefore.I’dbeenangryatNickforhowhetalkedtoMarioatdinner,butmyfuryhaddisappearedassoonasI’dseenhimlookinglikehellinthevestibuleofourhome.
Mariohadbeenagentlemanthenightbefore.He’dinvitedmeoutagain,andI’dsaidyes.IwantedtoforgetmyexandmyridiculousobsessionwithNicholas.
Igotdressedquicklyandwalkeddowntothekitchenbarefoottohavebreakfast.Therewasn’tatraceofNick,butWillandmymotherweresittingatthetabletalkingloudlyaboutsomething.
“Goodmorning,”Isaid,goingtothefridgeandservingmyselfaglassoforangejuice.Prett,ourcook,wasmakingsomethingthatsmelledwonderful.Iwalkedoverandlookeddownintothepot,whereshewasstirringbubblingchocolate.
“Thatlooksdelicious!Whatareyoumaking?”Iasked.
Prettsmiled.
“Mr.Leister’sbirthdaycake,”shesaidcheerfully.IturnedtoWill.
“Wow,happybirthday,Ididn’trealize,”Isaid,lookingsheepish.Helaughed.
“It’snotmybirthday,it’sNick’s,”hesaid,amused.Mymothersmiled,too.
Wow.Nick’sbirthday…Ididn’tknowwhy,butitmadememadthatIhadn’tknown.
“He’soutside.Gocongratulatehim,”mymothersaid.“Yesterdayhegotinafightwithsomethugwhotriedtorobhim,sodon’tgetscaredwhenyouseehisface.”
Inodded,impressedatmystepbrother’sskillatlying.Igrabbedapastryfromthetableandwalkedouttotheyard.Hewaslyingonadeckchairintheshade,wearingsunglasses,aT-shirt,andaswimsuit.Helookedasleep.Iimaginedhehadn’tsleptanybetterthanIhad.
Icreptupbesidehim.
“Happybirthday!”IshoutedasloudlyasIcould,laughingasIsawhowI’dstartledhim.
“Goddammit!”heshouted,takingoffhisglassestorevealhiseye,whichwasnowaniridescentmixofgreen,purple,andblue.
Icouldn’thelpcrackingup.Hetriedtoacttough,butwhenhesawIcouldn’tstoplaughing,hisangerdissolvedintoasmile.
“Youthinkthisisfunny?”heasked,puttingasidehisglassesandstandingup.Istartedwalkingbackward.“I’msorry!”Ishouted,raisingmyhands,stillunabletostiflemygiggles.
“Oh,you’llbesorry,allright,”hesaid,andchargedafterme.Iran,butitwaspointless.Asecondlater,Ihadhimbehindme,andsoonhe’dliftedmeupoverhisshoulder.Hegroaned;hemusthavebeenachingallover,butIcouldbarelyhearitovermylaughter.
“No,Nick,please!”Ishouted,shakingallover.Heignoredmeandjumpedstraightintothepool,bothofusfullydressed.
Istruggledawayfromhimassoonasweplungedintothewater.Itwaswarmonthatlate-summerday.WhenIgottothesurface,Isplashedwaterinhisface.Hewasdyinglaughing.Mywhitedresswasclingingtome.IwasgladI’dputonblackunderwear.Otherwise,itcouldhavebeenreallyembarrassing.
HeshookhishairwithaJustinBieber–likemovementandpaddledovertome,trappingmeinacornerofthepool.
“Youcanapologizenowfornearlygivingmeaheartattackonmytwenty-secondbirthday,”hesaid,wadingoveruntilourbodieswerejustinchesapart.
Itriedtopushhimaway,butnoluck.
“Inyourdreams,”Isaid,playingalong.Adrenalinewasrushingthroughmyveins,andbutterflieswereflappinginmystomach.Thefeelingwaslikeracingattwohundredmilesanhouroverthedesertsands.
Withacalculatinglook,hewrappedhishandsaroundmywaist.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskedinamuffledvoicewhenhewassoclosehischestwastouchingmine.
“Tellmewhatyoufeelrightnow,”hesaidinahoarsevoice.Therewasnothingfunnyabouthisexpressionnow—itwas100percentdesire.Ifeltawaveofpleasureandfearallatonce.Whatiftheysawus?
Ishookmyheadashishandsmoveddowntomythighs.Hisfingerspushedasidethewetfabricofthedressandslidbetweenmylegs.Iopenedthemandwrappedthemaroundhiships.
“I’mnotgoingtostopuntilyoutellmeto,”hesaid,pushingmeagainstthewallofthepool.Thewaterreacheduptohisshouldersandmyneck.Iwaspracticallyathismercy.IknewwithawordIcouldgethimtoletmego—he’dsaidthat,hadn’the?ButwhatwasitIreallywanted?
“They’regoingtoseeus,”Imumbled.Mycheekswereburning,mybodyburning;thewaterdidnothingtoquenchthem.
“I’llworryaboutthat,”hesaid,pushingmydressfartherupandrollingitundermybreasts.Helookeddownatme.Hisgazeandhisfingers,whichwerestrokingmybacknow,excitedme.Icouldfeelhimthrobbingagainstmyhips,andallIcouldthinkaboutwasourlipsjoiningonemoretime.
“Youwantmetostop?”heasked,hismouthmillimetersawayfrommine.
Inhiseyes,Icouldseeeverysingleshadeofblue.Iwasdrunkonhim,onthewayhelookedatme,asifhewishedtodevourme.
Ishookmyheadandcameclosesohewouldkissme.Myhandswerealreadywrappedaroundhisneck.Icouldn’tevenrememberhowthey’dgottenthere,andIpulledhimtowardme,butheresisted,movingintheoppositedirection.
“TellmewhatyoufeelandI’llgiveyouwhatyouwant,”heorderedme.
“WhatmakesyouthinkIwantsomethingyoucangiveme?”Iasked,burningwithdesire.
Hegrinned.“Becauseyou’reshakingandyoucan’tstoplookingatmylips.”
“I’mnotgoingtotellyouwhatIfeel,”Isaid.
Iheardagruntcomefromthebackofhisthroat.
“You’reimpossible,”hesaid,andthenhedidpresshislipsintomine.Theeuphoriaofwinningthatgamesoonturnedtosomethingmore.Ifeltamillionsensations,noneofthemonesIcouldspeakaloud.Histongueslidintomymouth,andhekissedmeferociously.Weweresoaked,ourbodiesjoinedliketwohalvesofawhole.Ituggedathishair,hebitmylowerlip,andIthoughtIwasgoingtodiefrompleasure.
Iheardtheslidingdooropen,jerkedaway,tuggingmydressdown,andgrabbedthesideofthepooltokeepfromsinkingintothedeepend.
“Heyguys,we’regoing!”mymothershouted.Nicholaswaved,lookingcompletelyrelaxed.Ihadtotakeafewdeepbreathsbeforelookingup.“Didyoutellher,Nick?”
“Notyet!”hecalledbacktoher,clearlyamused.
“Okay.Well,we’lltalklater.Havefun!”shesaid.
IturnedtoNickasshewalkedbackinside.
“Tellmewhat?”
Hepulledmebacktowardhim.Ididn’tstruggle:Ididn’thavethestrengthto,andIdidn’twanttomissoutonthatfeastfortheeyes.
“TheygavemefourticketstotheBahamasformybirthday.Theymadeitprettycleartheywantyoutocomealong,youknow,tohelpusdevelopourrelationshipassiblings.”Hegrinnedmaliciously.“I’veinvitedJennaandLion,andIwantyoutocome,too.”
Icouldhardlybelieveit,especiallyafterourpreviousconversations.GoingonvacationwithNick…Icouldtellhewasobservingmyreaction.
“Whathappenedtousjustbeingfriends?”Iasked.Iwantedtoknowwhathadmadehimchangehismind.
“That’sstillonthetable…especiallynow,whenyou’reindangerandit’smyfault.”
“That’swhyyouwanttotakeme?TokeepmesafefromRonnie?”Ifthatwastherealmotive,Iwasdisappointed.
Hepursedhislips.
“That’sonereason,butnottheprimaryone,Freckles.”
Heleanedhisforeheadintomine.
“Nicholas,whatarewedoing?”
“Don’tflipout,okay?”HegrabbedmywaistasIstartedtosink.“Idon’twantyouherewhenI’mnotaround.Isaidthatyesterday,andImeantit.Youcouldwinduphurt.”
“Nicholas…”Thatstung,andItriedtoturnawayfromhim,buthewouldn’tletme.
“Come!We’llhavefun,”hesaid,kissingmeagainonthelips.Thesweetnessofthatgesturemademeshudder.
“Whataboutus,though?”Ireplied.Icouldn’thelpbutthinkwhatmighthappenifourparentsfoundout.“Ican’tdothiswithyou.It’sabsurd,wedon’tevengetalong,we’rejustlettingourphysicalattractiongetthebetterofus—”
“AllIknowiswhenIseeyou,theonlythingIcanthinkaboutistouchingyouandkissingyouallover,”hesaid,plantinghislipsjustbelowmyearlobe
“Ican’tbewithanyonerightnow,”Isaid,pushinghimaway.Helookedmad.
“Whosaidanythingaboutbeingwithanybody?Stopanalyzingeverythingandjustenjoyit.Thisisgoingtobefun.”
Icouldtellhewasn’tbeingstraightwithme—hehadtowantsomethingmore—butthenagain,thiswasNick;heusedgirlsandthrewhimaside.Hehadtojustwantmeformybody.Whatelsecoulditbe?AndifIwantedhimforthesamereason,whyshouldIforgothepleasure?
“Fine,butthereareconditions,”Isaid.“Notyinganyonedown,noarguments.Ijustgotoutofarelationship,andthelastthingIwantistorelivewhathappenedwithDan.”
“Areyousayingyouwantanopenrelationship?”heasked.“Ithinkyou’rethefirstwomanI’veeverknownwho’saskedforthat,butwhatever.Justsexthen?”
Hiseyeswerecold.Ididn’tlikethatremarkonebit.
“Jerkoff!”Iinsultedhim.“Whatdoyoumean,justsex?WhodoyouthinkIam?I’mseventeen,nottwenty-seven.I’mnotgoingtojustupandsleepwithyou!”
Baffled,heresponded,“Youjusttoldmeyouwantanopenrelationship.Whatthehelldoyouthinkthatmeans?”
Iwaslost.Inmyworld,anopenrelationshipmeantyoumadeoutsometimesandthatwasbasicallywhatweweredoing.Butthenagain,Nickhadbeenaroundtheblockmultipletimes.Comparedtohim,Iwasjustagirl;Icouldn’tplayinhisleague.Nicholaswasn’tgoingtobehappywithalittlebit;he’dwanttogoalltheway.I’dhaveknownthatifI’dthoughtoverthepastthreeweeksclearly.Inthatbrieftime,I’dgonewayfurtherwithhimthanIhadwithDan.
“Forgetaboutit,”Isaid,feelingIwasplayingatadisadvantage.Hewasfire,andIdidn’twanttogetburned.“Ilikethisnewrelationshipwehave.Ievenfeellikewecanstarttogetalong.WhywouldIwanttomessthatup?”
Helookedatmeasifhedidn’tunderstandawordofwhatIwassaying.Ididn’treallyknowwhatIwanted,either,butcasualsexwasn’tsomethingIwasinto.
“Noah…wewon’tdoanythingyoudon’twanttodo,”hesaidinatonethatmadememelt.Heseemedtounderstandeverysinglethinggoingthroughmyhead.Italmostscaredmehoweasilyhecouldreadmythoughts.
Blushing,Iwishedtheearthwouldjustopenandswallowmeup.
“I’dratherwejustbefriends,”Isaid,notespeciallyconvinced.
“Areyousure?Justfriends?”
Inodded,lookingdownintothewater.
“Fine,”hesaidinwhatsoundedtomelikeacondescendingvoice.“Butyou’recomingtocelebratemybirthdaywithme.Ifyou’remyfriend,thenyoucanactlikeone.”
Heswamoffandthenreachedupandliftedhimselfoutofthepool.Tome,hiswordssoundedlikeYou’rescaredandIknowit,soI’llwaittillyou’reready.
Butifthatwasso,whatwasitaboutmethatwouldmakeNickwait?
IspenttherestofthedayinmyroomreadingandwritingashortstoryI’dbegunworkingonalongtimebefore.IlikedwritingasmuchasIdidreading,andoneofmydreamswasbeingagreatwriterinthefuture.SometimesIimaginedmyselfbeingknownallovertheworld,sellingmillionsofcopies,andtravelingtopromotemybooksandtellstoriespeoplewouldrememberforever.
Mymotherhadneverdoneanythingwithherlifebecauseshehadgottenpregnantwithmewhenshewassixteen.Myfatherhadbeenonlynineteenthen,andhehadn’thadanyeducation.HisoneshothadbeenracinginNASCAR.Momstillrememberedhowhardithadbeentoraisemewhenshewasjustagirlherself,andshewantedtogivemeallthethingsshehadwantedwhenIwasherage,agoodcollege.Thosehadalwaysbeenherdreams,andshewasgoingtomakethemcometrue.Topleaseher,I’dalwaystriedtogetgoodgrades,hadplayedonthehockeyteam,andhadwrittenfromthetimeIwasagirl.Apartofmealwayswantedtomakeherproud.
AsIgotlostinthought,lookingoutthehugewindowinmyroom,someoneknockedatmydoorandcamein.MymotherwastherewithabagwiththeSt.Marielogo.Iknewwhateverwasintherewouldruinwhatwasleftofmyday.
“Youruniformarrived.Tryiton,andthengodownstairssoPrettcanmakeanyadjustmentstoityouneed.Also,we’regoingtogiveNickhiscakeinalittlebit.Theydon’tblowoutcandlesoranythingthewayyouandIdoonourbirthdays,butIthinkthat’sterrible,andI’mgoingtodowhateverIcantochangetheirhabits.”
“Mom,Idon’tthinkNick’sgoingtobeintoit,”Isaid,tryingtoimaginehimsittingatatablemakingwishes.
“Whatever,”shesaid,closingthedoorbehindher.
Igotupandtookoutmyuniform.ItwasashorribleasI’dimagined.Theskirtwaspleatedgreenplaidwithsomekindofcliponthesidetocloseit.Ithungdownbelowmyknees.Theshirtwaswhiteandbaggy,andtomyhorror,therewasevenagreen-and-redtiethatmatchedthegray,red,andgreensweater.Thesocksweregreen,too,andreachedmyknees.WhenIputthemallonandlookedinthemirror,Imadethenastiestfrowninhistory.Itookeverythingoffbuttheskirtandshirt—thetwothingsPrettcouldfix—andwentdownstairs.
Onthelanding,IfoundNickwithhisphonepressedtohisears.Whenhesawme,hiseyesbulged,andasmilecrossedhisface.Iscowledathim,restingmyfistsonmywaist.
“Sorry,Igottago.Ineedtomakefunofsomeone,”hesaid,chucklingandputtinghisphoneinhispocket.
“Youthinkyou’refunny?”Iasked,dyingfromshame.
“Thismustbethebestbirthdaypresentyoucouldhaveevergivenme,Freckles,”hesaid,laughingatmyexpense.
“Yeah?HowaboutIgiveyouthis,too?”Isaid,flippinghimoffandmovingpasthimtothelivingroom,wheremymotherandthemaidwerewaitingonme.
“Ifyoucometodinnerwithmetonight,IpromiseIwon’tsendaroundthephotosIjusttookofyou,”hesaid.Iturnedback,furious.Hewastakingthejokestoofar.
“I’mhavingdinnerwithMariotonight,sonothanks,”Ireplied,knowingitwouldmakehimmad.
Inthelivingroom,therewasafootstoolreadyformetostandonsoPrettcouldtakemymeasurements.AsIgotuponit,Nickfloppeddownonthesofa,observingmewithacoldandpensivelook.
“Liftyourarmsup,Noah,”mymothersaid,helpingPrettwiththepins.ItriedtoignoreNicholas’spresence,butitwashard,especiallywhenIrememberedthatkisswe’dsharedinthepoolandeverythingelsethathadcomealongwithit.Iwasn’tsureifI’dbeabletoresisthim,butonethingwasforsure:Iwasn’tgoingtolethimjustuseme.That’swhyIwasgoingoutwithMariothatnight.Iwantedtohavefunduringwhatwasleftofthesummer,enjoythecompanyofdifferentguys,notbetieddownbyanyone,andforgetthatassholeDan.
“Ow!”Isaidwhenapinprickedmythigh.StupidNickstartedlaughingonthesofa.
“Bestill,okay?”mymothersaid.Therewasn’tmuchlefttodo.They’dtakenintheskirtabovemyknees,andaftertheiralterations,theshirtwouldlookalmostfeminine.
Fiveminuteslater,IwasreadytotaketheclothesoffandgivethemtoPrettsoshecouldworkonthem.
Nickstood,abouttofollowmeupstairs,butmymothertookusbothbythearmandpulledustowardthekitchen.
“Today’syourbirthday,Nick,soyou’regoingtoblowoutcandlesjustlikeNoahandIdoandeveryoneelsedoes,”shesaidwithasmile.
IgrinnedwhenIsawtheunbelievinglookonNick’sface.Helookedsooldnexttome,somature…
“Really,there’snoneed,”hestartedtoobject.
Williamwasinthekitchenwearinghisglassesandlookingathislaptop.Hemusthavebeenworking.Hesmiledwhenhesawuscomein.
“Youlooklovely,Noah,”hesaid,lookingatmyuniformfullofpins.IhadtobecarefulnottostickmyselfwhenIwalked.
“Yeah,right,”Isaid.
MymotherpushedNicholasintoachairandbroughtoverthechocolatecakePretthadmade.NicholaslookedsooutofplacethatIcouldn’thelpbutbeamused,justashe’dbeenamusedatmydilemmaminutesbefore.
Onthecake,thereweretwocandlesshapedlikethenumber22.Mymotherlitthemandbegantosing,shovingWilltotrytogethimtoparticipate.ThewholethingwassofunnythatIjoinedinasNickglaredatallofuswithhissky-blueeyes.
“Don’tforgettomakeawish,”Iremindedhimbeforeheblewthecandlesout.
Ashedidso,lookingupatme,Ihadtoaskmyself:Whatcouldapersonwhohaditallwishfor?26Nick
Istillwasn’tsurewhyI’dinvitedhertospendtheweekendwithmeintheBahamas.HerfacehadjustpoppedintomyheadwhenI’dseenthetickets.Ididn’tevenneedtolistentomyfatherashetoldmeIshouldtakeNoahalong—thesameideahadalreadyoccurredtome.
Sinceshe’dchilledoutandbecomeeasiertogetalongwith,I’dfoundmyselfthinkingabouthermoreandmore.Icouldn’timagineleavingheraloneeversinceRonniehadthreatenedher,andIfreakedoutanytimeIthoughtofsomeotherguygettingclosetoher.EvenrememberingthatsheusedtobewithDanputmeinabadmood.Iwantedtocrushhimforhurtingher.Forhurtingherandbecausehe’dhadninemonthstorelishher,touchher,kissher,Godforbid,maybeeventakeoffherclothes…
TheideaofNoahgivingherselftosomeonebesidesmetormentedmeallnightandallday.I’dneverthoughtofmyselfasthejealoustype,probablybecauseI’dneverconsideredanygirlmine,butnowitwaskillingme.Thewayshesmiled,innocent,almost…Shewasnaturallysexy,whichwaswhatIlikedabouthermost.Itdidn’tmatterhowshedressed,didn’tmatterifshehadonmakeup.Shecouldbeawreck,butstill,everytimemyeyessettledonher,IimaginedathousanddifferentwaysIcouldmakehermoanwithpleasure.Maybewhathadhappenedinthepoolhadn’tbeenexactlyright,butI’dpromisedmyselfI’dstayawayfromherafterthat.Shemadeithard,though.I’dwantedtokillherthenightbeforeafterwhathadhappenedwithRonnie—thatbeatinghadbeenherfault—nottomentionforgoingoutwithMario,butassoonasI’dseenthelookoffearinhereyesasshe’dseenmywounds,assoonasherwarmfingershadtouchedmybareskin,I’dhadtodrawonallmyself-controlnottojumpherrightbythekitchencounter.
Worstofall,shewasgettingmoreconfident.Shewaslessdefensive;shewasn’tevenscaredtoshoutatmewhileIwasasleep.Shehadn’tpulledawaywhenI’dlostcontrolofmyhandsandcaressedherunderthewater.Herlegsweresolong,hercurvessodamnsexy…
AndtonightshewasgoingoutagainwiththatmoronMario.Hewasalwaysquicktofeelagirlup,takehertobedifhegotthechance.Sameasme,butIcouldn’tlethimdothattoNoah.Shewastooinnocent,justakid—akidwhowoulddriveanymanwitheyeswild.
Itespeciallybotheredmethatshewasleavingonmybirthday.Iwantedhertomyself;Iwantedtoshowherthefunthingstodointown.Iwantedherviewofmetochange.Icouldn’tbearherthinkingIdidn’tdeservetohaveher.
Someoneknockedonthedoor.Iwasstillgettingdressed,soIshoutedforthemtocomein.AsIbuttonedtheshirtI’dbewearingthatnight,apairofhoney-coloredeyesstaredatmeinthemirror.
“Backfromdinneralready?”Iaskedsarcastically,tryingnottoturnaroundandtrapher,makeherstaywithmeinmybedroomallnight.
“You’rehavingabirthdayparty?”sheasked,ignoringmyquestion.Itriedtofeignindifference.
“Whatdidyouthink,littlesister,thatIwasgoingtostickaroundherewatchingamovie?”
“Youshouldhavetoldme.JennaandLionthoughtIwasinvited.They’redownstairswaiting.”Shecrossedherarmsoverherblackdress.Itwastightandhungjustfourorfiveinchesfromthebottomofherass.IwasfuriousasIaskedmyselfwhetherMariohadmanagedtogethishandunderthatdress.
“Idon’thavetimeforthis.Youwanttocomealong?Thendoit.You’reonthelist.Butyourlittlefriendisn’t,sofigureitout.”Iwalkedclosertoher.IfIcouldn’thaveher,atleastIcouldsmellthatperfumethatturnedmeonsomuch.
“You’relookingatmelikeI’mamovievillain,butit’snotmyfault.Ididn’tknowitwasyourbirthdaytillacoupleofhoursago.Mariohadalreadyaskedmeout.Icouldn’tjustditchhim.”
“Andyouthinkhedidn’tknow?”Iasked,annoyed.IknewMariohadsetthewholethinguponpurpose.
Surprised,angry,evenalittleguilty,shelookedadorable.Shefeltbadfornearlymissingapartyshehadn’tevenknownabout.
Icouldn’thelpbutwrapanarmaroundherwaistandpullherclose.Hereyeswereskepticalbutexpectant.
“Comeon,Freckles,cometomybirthdayparty,”Isaid,pushingherhairoffhershoulderandkissingherthere.IsmiledasIsawhergoosebumps.AtleastIcouldbesureshelikedmeandIstillhadsomeinfluenceoverher—oroverherbody,tobemoreprecise.
“Youwantmetogo?”sheaskedasmylipsclimbedherneck.
DidIwanthertocome?ObviouslyIwouldn’tbeabletotouchheratthatparty;noonecouldknowwhatwashappeningbetweenus,andwecouldn’tkiss.Itwasgoingtobecomplicated.
“OfcourseIdo.”Ididn’tknowwhatIwasgettinginto,butitwasbettertohavehertherethannotknowwhatshewasupto.
Sheturnedandkissedmeonthelips,tooquicklyformetoenjoyit.
“I’llbetherewhendinner’sover,”shesaid.
“What?”Ishouted,muchlouderthannecessary,holdinghersoshecouldn’twalkout.
“Nicholas,I’mnotgoingtoleavehimhanging.I’llbealittlelate,that’sall.Anyway,Ifeellikehangingoutwithhim.He’scool.”
Thisgirlwasgoingtokillme.
“Dowhatyouwant,”Isaid,pickingmykeysupoffthedeskandwalkingpasthertothesteps.
Ifshewouldn’tputmebeforeanidiotlikeMario,Iwasn’tgoingtoletherwastemytime.Iwasgoingtohavefunthatnight,andI’dfinallygetheroutofmyhead.
ButnotevenIbelievedthat.
ThepartywasatthehomeofMike,oneofmyfriendsfromtheneighborhood.Hewasagoodguy;Iknewhimfromcollege,andhealmostalwaysletususehislakehousewhenweneededtogobig.Annahadtakencareofthedécor,includingblackandredheliumballoonsandallsortsofotherstupidshit.TheimportantstuffwasinLion’sandtheguys’hands:alcohol,food,andmorealcohol.WhenIwalkedthroughthedoor,peopleshoutedHappybirthdayinunison.Igreetedeveryone,andfiveminuteslater,theywerealldancing,actingsilly,takingoffforthelake,anddrinkinganythingtheycouldgettheirhandson.
Thegoodthingaboutthesepartieswastherewerealwaysplentyofgirlsforme.Igrabbedadrinkandsidleduptothetwodancersthey’dhiredforme.ApartofmekeptthinkingaboutwhenNoahwouldgetthere,butanotherpartsaiditwastimetocutloose.
Oneofthedancers—Iforgothername—wouldn’tkeepherhandsoffme.Theother,aprettyyoungredhead,vanishedassoonasshewasdonewithhernumber.NobodywithaYchromosomewouldhavebeenindifferenttothechickwhokepttryingtodragmeofftothebathroom.Butoneofmyunbreakableruleswasnosleepingwithstrippersorprostitutesoranyonesimilar,soIditchedheraspolitelyasIcouldandwalkedtothebackofthehouse.Fromthere,IcouldseeTolucaLakeandthereflectionofthefullmooninthewater.Myfriendswereallfoolingaround,splashingeachotheranddragginggirlsdowntotheshoreline.
Justthen,Lioncameover,leanedonthewoodenrailing,andlookedatme.IrememberedthefirsttimeI’deverseenhim.Hehadbeenwaybiggerandscarier,butatleastIhadbeentallenoughtolookhimintheeyebeforehe’dsplitmyfaceopen.Ihadn’tevenknownwhathewaspissedoffabout—IthinkI’dhookedupwithhisgirlorsomethingatthispartyI’dbeentakento—butthefunnythingwas,thankstomyreflexes,Ihadbeenabletogetaway,andhe’dwounduphittingthewallbehindme.
Ithadbeensoridiculous,I’dburstintolaughterwhilehe’dclutchedhisfistinpainandstartedsweating.Iguesshe’dthoughtitwasfunny,too,though,andwe’dbeenbestfriendseversince.
“Thanksforinvitingmeonthetrip,dude.IcannevergoanywherewithJenna,andfinallywe’llbeabletogetthatalonetimewe’vebeenneeding.”Hewasbeaming.Itookasipofmybeer.Thattrip…Icouldn’tthinkofitwithoutthinkingofNoah.
“Iknowshe’syourstepsisterandall,man,butwhy’dyouinviteher?”heaskedasecondlater,intrigued,andIfeltlikehewasreadingmythoughts.
Iweighedmyresponsebeforeanswering.Iwasn’tsuremyself,butIjustknewtheideaofspendingtwowholedayswithouthermademeunbearablyanxious.
“Idon’twanthertostayherewhileRonnie’sstillmadabouttherace.Hethreatenedher.Ican’tletanythinghappentoher.”Ileftoutthedetailthatifheevenlookedatherwrong,I’dkillhimwithmybarehands.
Lionturnedhisbacktothelakeandlookedatmesternly.
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’rereallyabout,bro,butI’veseenhowyoulookather.Youcan’thookupwithher.She’syourstepsister.I’vebeentalkingwithJenna,andNicholas,Noahisn’tlikeothergirls.You’regoingtoscareher.”
Itriedtocalmdown,tokeepfromtellinghimtogotohell.Hewasn’twrong.Noahwasdifferent:youcouldseeitinhereyes,inthewayshewas,inhowshedidn’tevenunderstandtheeffectshehadonpeople.Shewasnaiveandinnocent,andIcouldcorrupthersoeasily.
“Iknowwhatyoumean,butnothing’sup,”Isaid,whilemymindshoutedbacktomeLIARincapitalletters.“We’rejustfriends.Weneedtobe—welivetogether,ourparentsaremarried.Itwouldbeimpossibleifwehatedeachother,soI’vedecidedtotrytogetalong.”
Lionseemedtobuythestory.
“Youknowwhatyou’redoing,”hesaid,andthenstrippedoffhisshirtandranovertowhereeveryonewasswimming.
Iwouldn’thavemindedgoingwithhim,butIcouldn’thelpkeepingmyeyesonthedoor,waitingforNoahtoreturnfromherstupiddate.ThatwaswhenIsawhercomeinwithJenna.Theirarmswerelocked,andNoahsmiledwhenshesawme.Shewasradiantwhenshesmiledthatway,andIwantedtograbherandkissthatdimplethathadappearedinherleftcheek.
“Happybirthdayagain!”sheshouted.Jennaobservedusforamomentbeforeturningtothelake,whereLionwasshoutingforhertocomein.
“Whataboutyouguys?”heasked,andNoahlookeddownatherblackdress.
“Ididn’tbringaswimsuit,”shesaid,shrugging.
“Don’tbeaprude.Justwearyourunderwear.It’sthesamething,”Jennasaid,draggingheroff.
Justimaginingherinherunderwearmademenervous,nottomentiontheideaofherstrippinginfrontofallthosedrunkassholesatmyparty.
Icouldtellshewasuncomfortable.
“Noway,”Isaid,pullingherbacktowardmeuntilshealmostfellintomyside.
“Damn,Nicholas!”shecomplained.ButthenshesmiledbackatJenna.“I’mnotinthemood.Yougo,though,andwe’llseeeachotherafterward.”Jennatookoff.
Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.Jennawascrazy,butIcaredabouthertoomuchtobemadatherfortryingtoconvinceNoahtostripinfrontofGodandeveryoneelse.IlookeddownatthosefrecklesIcouldbarelyseeintheshadows.
“Enjoyyourdate?”Iasked,unabletosuppressmysarcasm.
“Itwasgreat,butwhocares.Ibroughtyouapresent.”
Ileanedagainsttherailingandlookedather—atthoselipsIwishedIcouldbite—andagoodmoodimmediatelyovertookme.
“Forreal?”Iasked,wantingtoknowwhatwaslurkingunderthatcheerfulness,sounlikeNoah’susualattitude.“I’mscaredtoask.”
Herexpressionchanged.Wasshegettingnervous?NowIwasevenmorecurious.
“It’sdumb,butwitheverythingthat’shappened,andespeciallywithlastnight…here.Iboughtitinalittleshop.Itwasjustaspur-of-the-momentthing,butit’smywayofsayingsorry.”
Sayingsorry?
Igrabbedtheboxandtoreoffthecream-coloredwrapping.ItwasatinyblackFerrari,exactlylikemine.
“There’sanote,”shesaid,pointingtothecar’schassis.
Inteenyletters,Iread:
I’msorryaboutyourcar,forreal.Someday,I’llbuyyouanewone.Happybirthday.Noah.
Itwassosilly,Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.Standingtherenexttome,shedidthesame.
“Ididoweyouone,right?”shesaid.
“Ioughttothrowyouinthelakeforthis,”Ithreatened,pickingherupandswingingheraround.
“No,Nick!”shescreamed.“I’msorry,Iswear!”
“You’resorry?”Isaid,loweringherslowlyandsqueezinghertightly,justasI’dwantedtodoeversinceshe’dleftwithMario.
Ilookedaround.Therewasnobodythere.Everyonewaseitherinthelakeorinsidethehouse.Ipushedherovertoatreeandtrappedherwithmybody.
“Youcouldhavecausedmebig,bigproblems.LuckilyI’vebeenwantingtokissyoueversinceyouwalkedthroughmyfrontdoor.”
IrememberedthenwhatLionhadtoldme:Noahwasn’tliketheothers.
IrestedahandonhercheekandcaressedthosefrecklesIlikedsomuch.Herskinwastense,alabaster,anditwasimpossiblenottoleandownandkissit,feelitssmoothtextureonmylips.Ikissedhercheek,thentheplacewhereherdimpleshowedupwhenshesmiled,thenherthroat,comingincloseandsavoringhersweetskin.Shemoanedalmostinaudibly,andIcouldn’ttakeitanymore.Ourlipsjoined,andathousanddifferentfeelingstookholdofme:uncertainty,heat,adeep,darkdesire.Betweenmybodyandthetree,Ifelthermeltingintome.
Hertonguelookedformine,andwhentheymet,Ialmostdiedfrompleasure.Shepulledmedown,andIcouldn’tcontrolmyhands,whichwentcrazyfeelingherallover.
Myhandsclimbedherthighsandtouchedthefringeofherpanties.MyGod,Iwantedtotouchherthere,makehershoutwithpleasure,hearhersaymynameoverandover!
“Nick,”shepanted.
“TellmetostopandIwill,”Isaid,lookingherinthoseeyesthatseemedtohavecomeupfromhelltotorturemeanddrivemeinsane.
Shesaidnothing,soIkeptgoing.Myfingerspushedasideherunderwear,andshegroanedintomyshoulder.Shewasshaking,andIheldherupwithonehandasIpleasuredherwiththeother.Iwatchedherthewholetime,bewitched.
Aminutelater,Ihadtocoverhermouthwithmine—Iwasworriedsomeonewouldhearher.
Shewasperfect…andIwasfallinginlovelikeanidiot.27Noah
Iwasshakingsohard—shakingfrompleasure—thatIhadtolethimholdmeup.Icouldn’tbelievewhathadjusthappened;Ihadn’tseenitcoming,andithadbeensofast.Ihadbeengivinghimhispresentandlaughing,andallofasudden,hehadmepushedagainstatreeandhiscaresseshadbeenmakingmetremble.I’dwantedtostophim.MyGod,Ishouldhave,butfeelingthosehandsalloverme…Ithadbeenincredible.
“You’reprecious,”hewhisperedinmyearafterkissingmetokeepmefromshoutingandgettingusbothcaught.
IcouldstillrememberallthetimesDanhadtriedtotouchmethatway.I’dimmediatelysaidno,andhehadn’tevengottenclose.Nick,though…Imusthavebeenlosingmymind.
“Ithink…weshouldgoback,”Isaid,adjustingmydress.WhydidIfeelsobadallthesudden?
“Hey,”Nicksaid,grabbingmychinandmakingmelookup.“Areyouokay?”
“Yeah,it’sjust…Ididn’tseethatcoming,”Isaid,tryingnottolookathim.“Weletourselveslosecontrol,orIletmyselflosecontrol,andI’msorryaboutit…GobacktoAnnaorwhoever.Youdon’thavetostayherewithme.”IwastryingnottolethimseehowstirredupIwas.
Iwantedhimtoholdme.DeepdownIwantedhimtostaywithme.Iwantedustobeinloveoratleasttoknoweachotherbetter.Nickwasatotalmysterytome,andIwastohim,too.Icouldn’tlethimknowthatapartofmewantedhimtotellmehelovedmeortotakemesomewherewecouldreallybealoneinsteadofleaningagainstatreeataparty.
“YouwantmetogobewithAnna?”heasked,suddenlypissed.MaybehewasmadIdidn’twanttokeepgoing.MaybehethoughtIwantedtodothesametohim.Butjustthinkingaboutsexwithhiminthemiddleofthewoodsmademesick.
“Yeah,gobewithher,”Isaid,lookingdownatmytoes.“Youdon’thavetostaywithme.Itoldyou—thiswasamistake,we’regoingtoofar,it’snotright.”
Nicholasturnedaroundandkickedarock.Iheardhimcurseunderhisbreath.Thenheturnedaroundinfury,hiseyeslookinglikeice.
“Fine,”hesaid.Hereachedbackwithonearmandpulledoffhisshirt.BeforeIknewwhathewasdoing,he’dturnedaround,pulledoffhisjeans,andtakenoffrunningforthelake.Thepeopleswimmingtheresawhimandchantedhisname.
Mygoodmoodandmyself-esteemsanklikehisbodysinkingintothatcoldwater.
Forthenexthourandahalf,Iavoidedhimasmuchaspossible.Ididn’twanttoseehim;themerethoughtofitmademenervous.Whenfiveinthemorningstruckandmostofthepeoplehadgone,theonlyonesleftwereAnna,Lion,Jenna,Mike,whoownedtheplace,someonenamedSophie,afriendofNick’snamedSam,Nick,andme.Wewereinalivingroomfullofbigwhitesofasandarmchairs,sittinginacircle.SophieandJennawereononesideofme;Sophiewasableach-blonddummy.Mikewastomyright,andNicholaswasnexttohim.IwasgladbecausethatmeantIdidn’thavetolookhimintheface.
Hehadn’tsaidawordtomesincewe’dbeenstandingbythetree.Maybehewasmad,ormaybehewasgladhecouldwashhishandsofme.Ifeltanacheeachtimeoureyesaccidentallycrossedandhelookedaway,butpartofmefeltrelieved.I’dratherheignoremethanhavetotalkaboutwhathappened.
“Whydon’tweplaythatgameweusedtoplaywhenwewerekids?”Sophiesaid.
“TruthorDare?”Jennasaid,grinning.“Growup,Soph.”
“No,comeon,let’splay,”Mikesaid,lookingmischievous.Thatputmeonalert.Ihatedthatgame.I’dsaiddareonetime,andthey’dmademedrinkaglassofcookingoil.Itwasdisgusting.
“Grabthebottleonthetablethere,”Mikeaskedhisfriend.
Heplacedthebeerbottleinthecenterofthecircleandspunit,anditpointedtoAnna.
“Truthordare?”heasked.Nickshifteduneasily.
“Uh…truth,”shesaid,glancingoverathim.Ilookeddown.Ifithadn’tbeenridiculous,I’dhavecoveredmyearstonothearthem.
“What’sthelasttimeyouhookedupwithsomeone?”Mikeasked.
Forreal?
Annasmirked.IhatedthewayshelookedoveratmeasshedescribedsleepingwithNick.
“Itwasinthebackseatofacar,”shesaid,laughing.“I’dhavepreferredabed,butyouknow…”
Whydidithurtmesomuchtohearthat?WhydidthesimplethoughtofNick’shandsrovingherbodymakemewanttogetupandpullherhairout?
Ispunthebottlemyself.Ididn’tcareifherstorywasoverornot.Iwasn’tinterestedinthedetails.
Shit,nowthebottlewaspointingatNick.
“Truthordare?”Iaskedhim,alittlebrusquely.
“Dare,obviously.”
Itriedtothinkofsomethingthatwouldreallyirritatehim,butbeforeIcould,Sophiebuttedin.
“Takeoffyourshirt,”sheorderedhim,andIhuffedasIwatchedherdevourhimwithhereyes.
“That’snotanactualdare,”Isaid.
“Youshouldlearntobefaster,littlesister,”Nicksaid,strippingitoff.AlltheothergirlsintheroommusthavebeenasentrancedbyhisphysiqueasIwas.Hewasstilltodiefor,evenwiththebumpsandbruisesRonnieandhisguyshaddealtouttohim.
“Thanksfortheview,Nick.Myturn,”Jennasaid,reachingoutandspinningthebottle.
Dammit.Iwasup.Ialmostshiveredwonderingwhatshe’daskme.
“Truthordare?”
“Truth,”Ishrugged.
“Tellustheworstthingyou’veeverdoneinyourlife,”Jennasaid.ShethoughtIwasagoodlittlegirlwhoneverdidanythingoutoftheordinary.Ifonlysheknew…
Seeingthemockinglooksoneveryone’sfaces,Ifelttheurgetoopentheireyes,butdidIreallywanttotellthemaboutthethingthathadbeeneatingmeupinsidesinceIwaseleven?No.Honestly,Ididn’t.
“IstoleapackofgummycandyfromastoreinmytownwhenIwasnine.Theycaughtme,andItriedtorunoff,andIendeduppullingdowntwoshelvesfullofstuff.Iwasgroundedforamonth.I’veneverstolenanythingsincethen,”Isaid,rememberingthatdayaffectionately.Thechasehadbeenthemostfunpart.
Everyonelaughed.
SomefriendofNick’swhosenameI’dforgottenhadtospinthebottlethistime.He’dhadhiseyeonmeallnight.Tomygreatdispleasure,itsloweddownandcametoastoponmeagain.
“Truthordare?”heaskedwithatwistedsmile.
“Dare,”Idecided,sinceI’dpickedtruthlasttime,butIhadthefeelingImighthavemadethewrongchoice.
“Takeoffyourdress,”hesaid,andthebloodrushedintomyface.
No.Icouldn’tdothat.Thelightsweretoobright;everyonewouldbeabletoseeeveryinchofmybody.
Nicholasdidn’tseemtoliketheidea,either.AllIwantedwasforhimtocomeupwithsomethingthatwouldgetmeoutofit.
“CanIchangeback?”Iasked.
Anna,clearlyamused,askedmewhetherIhadsomekindofhang-upaboutmybody.“It’sjustagame,”shesaid.
“Youcanchange,”Nickgrunted.Everyoneprotested,buttherewasnochanginghismind,andtheyhadtogivein.
“Fine.Sinceyoudidn’twanttogoalongthefirsttime,yourdareisgoingtobealittlemorecomplicated,”Annasaid.Icouldtellshewasenjoyingmakingmesuffer.Ihadtheurgetogetupandsmackherintheheadwiththebottle.Triumphantly,shecontinued,“Soyou’vegottogointothatclosetandmakeoutwithSam.”
Whatthehell?NowayIwasgettinginsomedarkcloset.Thisnightwasgoingfrombadtoworse.
“Great!”Samsaid.
“I’lldoit,”Isaid,“buthere.I’mnotgettinginanycloset.”
“Why?”Annaasked.
“She’safraidofthedark,”Nicholassaid.Icouldn’tbelievehe’djustblurtedthatoutwithoutanyconsiderationforme.Everyonecrackedup.
“Whatareyou,like,fouryearsold?”Sophiesaid.
Icouldfeelmyselfblushing.Thatsubjectwasoff-limits.Onlyafewpeopleknewthetruthaboutthatfear.Ihadn’teventoldmystepbrotherthereasonbehindit.
“SamedifferenceasfarasI’mconcerned.I’mgoingtoneedthatkiss,though,”Samsaid,edgingovertomewithnosenseofshame.Whatever,itwasjustakiss.WhyshouldIcare?Istoodup,ignoringeveryonearoundme.
Samwasblondwithbrowneyes.Jennahadtoldmehewenttoourschool.Whenhereachedme,heputahandaroundmywaist.Everyoneelsewasjeering.I’msuretheycouldtellIwasembarrassed,butmyonlythoughtwasgettingitoverwith.
I’dmeanttojustgivehimaquickpeck,buthewastooquickforme,andheforcedmylipsopenandslippedhistongueinside.Ifroze,andasecondlater,Ishovedhimaway.
“That’lldo,”Isaidandsatbackdown.Iwasangry,evenifIdidn’texactlyknowwhy.
“Youkisslikeanangel,Noah,”Samsaid,returningtohisplace.
Nickgotup.Heseemedworried,asifhehadsomethingonhismind,andbothhishandswereclenchedintofists.
“It’slate,”hesaid,lookingatme.“Weneedtogo.Thisgame’sstupidanyway.”
Igotup,andtherestfollowedsuit.Everyonewastired—thepartyhaddraggedontoolong.NickthrewonhisT-shirt,andSophieobservedhimwithwhatseemedlikesadness.
Wesaidgoodbyeandwalkedtoourcars.ThankGodAnnahadcomeinherconvertibleandwedidn’thavetotakeherhome.Jennapromisedtocallmethenextdaysowecouldplanwhatwewerepackingtogether.Iwasabitdistant—thattripseemedliketheleastappropriateideaever.
NicksaidgoodbyetoAnna,andwehoppedinthecarandtookoff.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutwhathadhappened,soIturnedontheradio.Assoonaswewereontheroad,though,hereachedoutandturneditoff.
“Ididn’tlikeyoukissingSamonefuckingbit,”hesaid,drumminghisfingersnervouslyonthewheel.
“Itwasjustadumbgame.WhatwasIsupposedtodo?”Isaid,rememberingAnna’sconfession.Ididn’tcaretohearthat,either.
“Youshouldhavesaidno.”
“Ialreadysaidnoonce.Idon’taskyoutoexplainwhatyou’redoingornotdoingwithAnnaorthehundredsofchicksyourubuponrightinfrontofmyface,”Isaid,raisingmyvoice.
“Ihaven’tdonethat,”hesaid,andIraisedmyeyes.“Hundredsofgirlsistoomany,evenforme,Freckles.”
“WhataboutAnna,though?”
“MythingwithAnna…It’sdifferent,butifitmakesyoufeelbetter,it’sbeenweekssincewe’vedoneanything,”heresponded.Icouldtellhewastryingtokeepcalm.
“Well,Idon’tbelieveyou,butevenifitistrue,youdon’towemeanyexplanation.I’mnotjealous.”Icrossedmyarmsandlookedoutsideintothedarkness.OfcourseIwas,butIwouldneveradmitthataloud.
“Iam,”hesaid,turningtolookatme.“I’mjealous,I’msuper-jealous,andIdon’tevenknowwhy.I’veneverbeenjealousofanyoneinmylife,Noah,andcertainlynotofsomejerkofflikeSam.”
Iwasconfused.
“Youshouldn’tfeelthatwayoveradumbgame—”
“YouthinkIdon’tknowthat?”heinterruptedme.
Justthen,wearrivedhome.Nickopenedthecardoorinsilence.BeforeIcouldgetout,hegrabbedmywrist,andIlookedoverathim.
“I’msorrywhathappenedinthewoodswasn’twhatyouexpected.Ididn’twanttoscareyouormakeyouuncomfortable.”
IfeltthewallI’dbuiltuparoundmyselfstarttocrumble.
“Yougavemetheoptiontostopyou,Nick,andIdidn’t,”Ireplied.AndIfelthishandstrokemywrist.
“I’ddoitallwithyou,Noah,youknowthat…butIwon’tdoanythinguntilthefeardisappearsfromyoureyes.”
Dammit.
Hegotout.Ittookalongtimebeforemyheartfeltnormalagain.
Thenextday,Jennapickedmeupatthreeintheafternoontogoshopping.Accordingtoher,thistriptotheBahamaswastheperfectexcusetospruceupourwardrobes.Mymother,overjoyedthatNicholashadinvitedmealong,gavemehercreditcardandbeggedmetobuysomething.ItwasweirdtoseemymothersohappyjustbecauseherstepsonandIweregettingalong,especiallysincefromherpointofviewthewholefarcewasjusthimtryingtotreatmeashissister.Icouldn’tevenimaginethelookonherandWill’sfacesiftheyfoundoutwhatwe’dbeendoingthepastfewweeks.
StillwaveringaboutwhetherIshouldevengoonthetrip,IwaitedforJennaasshewalkedinandoutofthedressingroomwithathousanddifferentdesigneroutfits.Shewassothin,sosvelte…Iwasenvious.Herdarkskinlookedbeautifulineverysinglethingshetriedon.Istillhadn’tpickedanything,andIwasn’tevenparticularlyintotheidea.IalreadyhadwaytoomanyclothesIhadn’tevenworn.
Myphonerang,andIgrabbeditoutofmybackpocket.
“Hello?”Isaid.Noanswer.Ilookedatthescreen.Unknownnumber.“Hello?”Isaidagain,louder.Icouldhearsomeonebreathingontheotherline,andmywholebodyshivered.IhungupjustasJennawalkedoutofthedressingroomagain.
“Whowasit?”sheaskedasIslippedmyphonebackinmypocket.
“Dunno.Unknownnumber,”Isaid,pickingupmybagandheadingforthedoor
“Weird!Igotthiscallfromanunknownnumberonce,anditturnedouttobethisweirdowhowasobsessedwithme.Hecalledme,like,amilliontimes.Ihadtochangemynumberandeverything.Lionwaslosinghismind.”
Honestly,though,whowasgoingtostalkme?ButthenIrememberedNicktellingmeaboutRonnie’sthreatsandhowIneededtotakethemmoreseriously.Iwasn’tgoingtoletastupidphonecallfreakmeout,though.IpushedmyworriesasideandwalkedwithJennatotheregister.
Tenminuteslater,weweresittingatatableoutsideaStarbucks,whereIpickedapartablueberrymuffinwhileshedrankastrawberryFrappuccino.
“CanIaskyousomething?”sheasked.
Inodded,puttingapieceofmuffinintomymouth.
“DoyouhavefeelingsforNick?”
Ialmostchoked.Ididn’tseethatcoming.Wasitsoobvious?Itriedtoswallowandstopcoughing,takingasipofmyOJandaskingmyselfhowthehellIwasgoingtorespond.
“Whydoyouask?”
“Yesterdayatthebirthdayparty…Idon’tknow…IthoughtIsawsomething.LikeNick…He’sneverbeensohappytoseesomeone,butwhenyoushowedup,hewaslikeacompletelydifferentguy.Icouldbeimaginingthings,butyourreactionwhenAnnatalkedandthenhiswhenyoukissedSam,theywerealmostexactlythesame.”
Hmm.Nothinggotpasther.Itwastruewe’dletourselvesgothatnight,notstoppingtothinkthatpeoplearoundusmightpickuponwhatwashappeningbetweenus.Butthenwhatwashappeningbetweenus?
“Jenna,he’smystepbrother,”Isaid,tryingtochangethesubject.
Sherolledhereyes.
“Yeah,whichmeanshe’snotyourrealbrotheroranythinglikeit,soyoucancutthebullshit,”shesaid.“IknowNick,andhe’schanged…There’ssomethingthere…Maybeit’strueyou’retryingtobefriendsnow…ormaybeyouactuallyhavefeelingsforhim?”IfeltasifIwerebeingplacedbehindanX-raymachine.
WhatweremyfeelingsforNick?Icertainlyfeltsomething,Ihadtoadmitthat,atleasttomyself,butwhatwasitexactly?Ihadnoidea,Ionlyknewthathewasmanagingtodrivemecompletelyinsane.
“We’retryingtobefriendsforourparents’sake,”Isaid,knowingitwasalie.“AndIdon’tdislikehim,especiallynowthatwe’reactuallytryingtogettoknoweachother.”
Jennasuckedonherstraw.“Fine.Butdon’ttellmeitwouldn’tbeamazingify’allhookedup.Thatdoesn’tcountasincest,doesit?”
Onceagain,Ifoundmyselfchokingonmymuffin.28Nick
TheHotelAtlantisintheBahamaswasconsideredoneofthebest.I’dbeentwice,anditreallywasincredible.Therewasahugeaquariumwhereyoucouldseesharks,rarefish,andallkindsofseacreaturesasyouwalkeddownthehalltowardthediningroomorthecasino.Noahwasfreakingout,andIwashappytoknowI’dhelpedherhavethisexperience.We’dreservedtworooms:onefortheguysandoneforthegirls.
Wegottothehotelatfiveintheafternoon.Thegirlswantedtogostraighttothebeach.IwasdyingtoseeNoahinherbikini,sointhirtyminutes,Imadesurewewereoff.Thesunwaswarm,butIwasn’tonetoliedownonatowelandsoakuprays.Ilikedtosurf,butevenifthatwasn’tinthecards,IwascontenttoknowI’dhavesomethingprettytolookat.
HencemydisappointmentwhenwegottoourbeachchairsandNoahtookoffherdress.UnlikeJenna,whowaswearingaprovocativebikini,Noahwaswearingablackone-piece.Itwashot,sure,butIwantedtoseealittlemoreskin,alittlemoreofthatsoft,flatstomach,thatwaist…
JennaandLionwentstraighttothewater.Shejumpedonhisback,andhethreatenedtothrowherin.IturnedtoNoah,whowasbusyputtingonsunscreen.
“Arewebackinthenineteenfifties,ordidyoujustforgetyourbikiniathome?”
“Ifyoudon’tlikeit,youdon’thavetolook,”shesaid,turningaway.
Igrimaced.ItseemedlikewhateverIdidpissedheroff.
Shelaydownandtookabookoutofherbag.Shereadallthetimeathome.IwonderedwhatitwasshelikedaboutThomasHardy,butIletitgo.Myliterarytastesandhershadnothingincommon,thatmuchwasobvious.WhatwasitaboutherthatcompletelychangedwhoIwas,howIacted?Wasitthosesweet,honey-coloredeyesthatconcealedanindomitablecharacterthatwouldcauseanyonetobuckleandgivein?Wasitthosefreckles,whichmadeherlooksoinnocentandsexyatthesametime?Ididn’tknow,butwhenshelookedupfromherbook,IknewifIdidn’twatchout,I’dgoasgagaforherasLionhadforJenna.
“Comeintothewaterwithme,”Isaid,stretchingoutahandandsnatchingawayherbook.
“Why?”
“Icanthinkofseveralreasons.Wecouldswim,lookforseashells…Why,Freckles,whatdidyouthinkIwastalkingabout?”
Theflushedpinkofherfacenowturneddeepred.
“You’reanidiot,andI’mnotgettingintothewaterwithyou.Nowgivemebackmybook.”Shereachedout,andIgrabbedherhandandpulledherclose.
“Youcanreadwhenyou’reold.Comeon.”
Sheresistedatfirst,butthenIpickedherupandcarriedherdowntothewater.
“Letmego!”sheshouted,kickingandscreaming.
Iobeyed,throwingherintothewaterandlaughingwhenshesurfaced,gapinglikeafish.Shecameafterme,andIspentthenexttenminutesdunkingher,runningoff,andcrackingup.
Theafternoonwasuneventful.IrealizedthatifIkeptmyhandsoffNoah,shewascapableofrelaxingandhavingfun.Onthebeach,wedrankmargaritasandenjoyedthecrystal-clearwater.Ifellasleepinmychair,LionandJennadisappearedtodowhoknewwhat,andanhourlater,whenIopenedmyeyes,Noahwasgone.Ilookedalloverforher.ThenIheardherlaugh.Iturnedtomyleft,whereagroupofcollegeguyswasplayingvolleyball.TherewasNoahinherswimsuitandskimpyshortsjumpingandsmackingtheballlikeaprowhilealltheguysgawkedather.Mostofthemweretallandingoodshape.Oneofthemhuggedherandspunherintheairwhenshescored,andIfumedwithjealousy.
Dammit!Istompedovertothem.Ididn’tknowwhatwasgoingon,butIwaspissed.Whenshesawmeandsmiled,Ifroze.Shewashappy.Blissedout.
“Nick,comeplay!”sheshouted,passingtheballtooneofhernewfriendsandrunningovertome.Thesunhaddarkenedhercheeks,andhereyesgleamed.“Didyouseemescore?”sheaskedproudly.
Inodded,unsurewhattodowiththeragethatwaseatingmeinside.
“Ididn’tknowyouplayedvolleyball,”Isaid,realizingasIdidsohowgruffmyvoicesounded.
Butsheignoreditandreplied,“IstartedwhenIwasten.Itoldyou,IwasthecaptainofmyteaminToronto.”
Igotagriponmyselfandsmiledbackather.
“Well,I’mveryproudofyou,andit’sgreatthatyouweresogoodandall,butweneedtogo,”Isaid.Ididn’tlikeallthosedudesstaringatus,almostsalivatingoverher.
“Comeon,Noah,”oneofthem,theguywhohadjusthuggedher,shouted.Igavehimalookthatfrozehim.
“Sorry,”shesaid,“Ididn’trealizehowlateitwas.Letmesaygoodbyerealquick.”Iwasuncomfortablewatchingthemalltalktoher.Oneevengroanedwhenshesaidshehadtoleave.IwouldhavepressedhisfaceintothesandifIdidn’tthinkI’dgetintroublewithNoahforit.
Whenshewasbackbesideme,shesaid,“Thatwasamazing.It’sbeenthreemonthssinceI’veplayed.IfeltlikeIwasbackhome,seriously.”Iunderstoodthenhowharditmusthavebeenforhertoleaveabsolutelyeverythingbehindtomovewithhermother:herfriends,herschool,herboyfriend.“Theguysinvitedustomeetthemintheclubatthehotel.Supposedlyit’sgreat.Weshouldgo.”
Iwantedtosayabsolutelynot,thatthoseguysjustwantedonethingfromherandthatIwasn’tabouttostandaroundallnightwatchingthemtrytogetinherpants,butwhenIsawthehappinessonherface,ahappinessIhadn’teverseenbefore,Icouldn’tsayno.
“Sure,butweneedtograbashowerandhavedinnerfirst,”Isaid.“JennaandLionalreadywentback.Italkedtothem.”
“Cool,”shesaid.
Butcoolwasthelastthingyoucouldcallthissituation.
WhenLionandImetthegirlsinfrontoftheelevator,itwasallIcoulddonottoshoveNoahbackintoherroom.Whotoldhertodresslikethat?Shewasburstingoutofawhitedresswiththinstrapsthatcrisscrossedintheback.Thesightofallthatexposedskincouldn’tbegoodformyhealth.IhadtorestrainmyselftokeepfromrubbingherdownandtakinghertomyroomwhereIcouldstareatherforhours.Herlegs,longandgraceful,lookedevenmoresointhoseaquamarineheels.
WhohadconvincedhertoditchtheConverseandjeans?Theanswer,ofcourse,wasrightbesideher:thatgoddamnJenna.29Noah
IhadnoideahowI’dletherconvincemetoputthedresson.Itwasanythingbutappropriate.Mywholeentirebackwasexposed.I’dneededtoputonaspecialbra.Ifeltcompletelynaked.ButwhenJennagotsomethinginherhead,shecouldn’tbemoreannoying,andtherewasalittlepartofmedeepdownthatwantedtoseehowNickwouldreact.Allday,he’dactedlikehereallywasmyfriend—he’dkepthishandsoffme,andweirdasitseems,Ididn’tlikeit.
Iunderstoodhisexpressionofdistastewhenwemetinfrontoftheelevators.Helookedmeupanddown.Forasecond,Ithoughtheactuallydidn’tlikewhathesaw.
“Issomethingup?”Iasked,disappointed.Thatwasn’tthereactionI’dexpected.
“Aren’tyougoingtobecold?”heaskedwithastrangeglimmerinhiseye.
“I’mfine,”Isaid,andgotintotheelevatorassoonasthedoorsslidopen.Nexttome,Jennawaswearingblackhotpantsandaprovocativepinktop.ShewasshowingwaymorefleshthanIwas,andLionseemedunsurewhetherhelikedit.
Theboyswalkedbehindus.Whenwereachedtherestaurant,Icouldn’tbelievethedécorandambience.Itwasatanelegantspotrightnexttothepool.ItwasaprivilegetobeabletoenjoythatplacewithNicholasandourfriends.Iguessedthatwashowitwaswhenyourmothermarriedamillionaire.
Wewereseatedatanicetablenexttoatrailleadingthroughthegardens.Theviewswerespectacular.Ourplateswereservedquickly,andthefoodwasexquisiteandtheconversationentertaining.
Myphonebuzzed,interruptingus.Ikeptgettingcallsfromanunknownnumberwithsomeonelisteningtomesilentlyontheotherline.
“Hello?”Isaidautomatically,andafamiliarvoiceresponded.ItwasoneoftheguysI’dplayedvolleyballwithonthebeach.Jess,Ithinkhisnamewas.Hetoldmethenameoftheclubandsaidweshouldgothereassoonasdinnerwasover.
IcommunicatedhismessagetoJenna,andshestartedhoppingupanddownwhileNickgavemeaweirdlook.Whatthehellwasupwithhim?
Isenthimatext.Itwasridiculous,butifIdidn’tputhimincheck,he’druinournight.
Whatthehell’supwithyou?You’vebeengivingmenastylookssinceIcameoutofmyroom.
Itwasfunnytoseehiseyeswhenhisphonebuzzedandhereadmytext.Helookedbackatmeasmyownphonevibrated.
IthinkIlikeitbetterwhenyoupickyouroutfits.Youshouldn’twearsomethingyou’renotcomfortablein.
HowdidheknowJennahadpickedmyoutfit?WasitsoobvioushowridiculousIfelt?Jennawassohot.Imusthavelookedlikeastupiddollnexttoher.
Icouldhavetearedup.I’dwantedtomakeNick’sjawdrop,andI’dgottentheoppositeeffect.
Iputmyphoneaside,decidingIwouldn’tansweranymore.I’dneverbeenagirlwhodressedupmuch,butI’dalsoneverreallycaredwhatanyoneelsethoughtofme,especiallyguys.DoingthatforNick,andinvain,mademefeelstupid.
Myphonebuzzedagain,noisierthanbeforeagainstthesurfaceofthetable.
IfeltatinglewhenIsawthemessage.
Youlookprecious,Noah.
Oureyesmet,andIfelttheheatinsideme.Ifhewasbeingserious,hesurehadaweirdwayofshowingit.
Iwasangrywithmyselfforlettingthosefourlittlewordshavethateffectonme.Ishouldn’thavedoneallthatforhim.IshouldhavejustwornwhatIhadbeenplanningtowear.
“Hey!”Lionnearlyshouted.“What’supwithyouguys?”
“Nothing,”Nicksaid,takingasipfromhisfine-crystalglass.
“Weshouldgo.ItoldJesswe’dbethereinfifteenminutes,andIdon’twanttoleavehimhanging,”Isaid.IfNickexpectedmetothankhimforthatmessage,hehadanotherthingcoming.
Aswewalkedoutandtowardtheclub,ablond-haired,blue-eyedguystoppedme:Jess.
“Jeez,Noah…youlook…incredible!”
Ismiled.See,Nick?ThatwastheattitudeIwaslookingfor.
Iintroducedhimtoeveryone.Nicktookafewsecondsbeforeshakinghishand,andwhenhedid,Icouldtellhewassqueezingittightly.
“Theclub’srightoverthere.Thesceneislit.”Outside,thereweretwobouncersandalonglineofpeople.“They’rewithme,”Jesstoldoneofthebouncers,andaftereyeingusup,heletusthrough.Thedancefloorwaspackedwithpeoplemovingtotherhythmofthemusic.Thelightsweredistracting,butotherwise,itwastheperfectplaceforafunevening.
“We’vegotaboothoverthere,”hesaid,pointingtoanareajustoffthedancefloorinthenicestpartoftheclub.“Followme.”Itriednottofalloveraswecutbetweenallthepeople.Theseshoesweredeadly,andmyfeetwerealreadykillingme.Therewerefourguysinthebooth.I’dalreadymetthemonthebeach.Nowtheyshoutedmynameandsaidaboisteroushellototherest.Thewholesituationwasfunny.Mostoftheguyshadgirlswiththem,andtheirwarmwelcomemademelikethemevenbetterthanbefore.Ididn’tfailtonoticeJessjockeyingtositnexttomeorNicksettlinginrightbesideme.
“So,Noah,howlonghaveyoubeenplayingvolleyball?Youweretentimesbetterthananyoftheselosers!”Jesssaid,passingmeadrink.IwasnervousasIbroughtittomylips.AfterwhathadhappenedthenightImetNick,Ididn’ttrustanyonewhohandedmeaglassifIdidn’tknowwhatwasinit.
“It’sfine.Iwatchedthempourit,”Nickwhispered.Iwantedtothankhim,butwhenIturned,asuper-tall,super-hotchickhadalreadycomeoverandsatbesidehim.Nickturnedaroundandstartedtalkingtoher,andimmediately,ragebeganeatingawayatme.
“Youwanttodance,Jess?”IaskedjustasJennadraggedLionontothedancefloor.
“Hellyeah,”hesaid.Ididn’tevenlookbackatNicholasbeforegrabbingJess’shandandlettinghimleadmeofftowardthefrenzieddancers.
I’dalwaysloveddancing,andIwasn’tbadatit.Ihadtothankmymotherandheradolescentsoul—sheusedtodoallherchoresathomewiththemusicatfullblast,soI’dneverbeenashamedtoswingmyhips.Dancingwasfun.ButJesswasn’ttheguyIwantedtodoitwithjustthen.WhenIsawNickappearwiththatothergirl,myheartsank.
Hewassosexywhenhedanced.I’dneverseenhimdoit,andwatchinghimwiththatblondmademeangryandjealousinawayI’dneverfeltbefore.Hishandswentdirectlytoherass,andIhadtoturnaroundandtakeadeepbreathtokeepfromrunningoffbacktomyroom.Iknewweweren’tanything,butIhatedseeinghimtouchanothergirl,especiallyrightthereinfrontofme.Jessgrabbedmearoundthewaist,andIpressedmybackintohischest.Nickcouldseeme,andIcouldtellhewasstaring.
IwantedtopushJessaway.Ididn’tfeelcomfortable,butNicholas’severygesturewasdaringmenottobuckle.Hischeektouchedtheblond’scheek,andsheturnedherheadandwhisperedsomethinginhisearwhileIfelttheairgrowthin…
EvenifIwasdyinginside,thatalsomademewanttorespondinkind,soIletJesswraphisarmsaroundme,grindingmyhipsintohim,feelinghishardbody.Iwasplayingwithfire,andIknewit.
Nickscowledatmeashenibbledthegirl’searlobe.Watchingit,Iknewexactlywhatshewasfeeling.
Thatwasenough.
IjerkedawayfromJessandtoldhimtowaitformeintheVIP.IsaidI’dberightback.Henodded,justaskingifeverythingwasallright.Ieasedhismindandwalkedovertooneoftherailingsaroundthedancefloor.Therewerestilldancersthere,butatleastIhadalittlespacetotrytocomposemyself.
ThatwaswhenNickshowedupinfrontofme.Hiseyeslookedformine,andhegrabbedmyhandsandpulledmeintohim.MyheartstartedpoundingwhenIfelthispalmonthebarefleshofmyback.
“WhydoyoumakemedothingsIdon’twantto?”heasked.
Ididn’trespond.Ihadnothingtosay.IwasangryatmyselffortryingtobesomethingIwasn’tandmadathimforcallingmeoutonit.
“Youdrivemecrazy,Noah,”heconfessed,hislipsgrazingmyear.
Ilookedupathim.Icouldseehewassuffering—fromjealousy,fromlonging,fromlust.Hewantedme…Idrovehimcrazy.Asmileblossomedonmylips.
“Youknowhowtodance,”Isaid,reachingmyarmsupoverhisneck.Itouchedhishairandstrokedhisneckslowly,tryingtoprovokehim.
“Don’tdothat,”hesaid,butIdidn’tstop.“You’regoingtomakemedosomethingIcan’tdohere,”hewarnedme,juttinghisheadtotheright.IlookedoverandsawJennaandLionwatchingusastheydanced.IwantedtotellJennawhatwasreallygoingon,butthenItoldmyselfthatwasinsane.Noonewouldjustacceptsucharelationship.
“Ishouldgoback,”Isaid,disillusioned.
“Screwthat,”hesaid,pullingmeintohim.Hebitmyear,strokedmyback,mademeclosemyeyesandtrytokeepfromsighingfrompleasure.
“Youshouldstop,”Isaid,andIheardhimcurse,andthenhislipswereontopofmine.Ihadn’texpectedthatkiss.Wewerebeingwatched,weweregivingourselvesaway,butevenmorethanthat,hiskisswaspassionate,immediate,andtremendouslyarousing.
“Nick,”Isaid,hyperventilating,“Nick,stop.”Bynowhishandswerealloverme.IfIwentonlikethat,he’dsoonhavemestrippednakedinthemiddleofthedancefloor.
Heputhishandsonmyshouldersandpushedmeback,lookingmeintheeye.
“Let’sgotomyroom,”hesaid.Ifroze.“Ican’ttakeseeingyouhereinthemidstofallthesepeoplewhowanttodoexactlythesamethingtoyouthatIdo.Please,Noah,comewithme.Iwanttobealonewithyou.”
Heseemedupset,orelsehewasbarelyholdingontohissanity.Ifeltbadseeinghimsufferinglikethat.Andafterthatkiss,Ididn’treallywanttobetherewithallthosepeople,either…plusmyshoeswerekillingme.
“Fine,let’sgo,”Isaid,takinghishand.HesmiledandledmeovertowhereLionandJennaweregawkingatus.Shegrabbedmeandglaredatme.
“Youlyinglittlebitch!”Thenshediedlaughing.“Arey’alloutofyourminds?”IguessedLionwasspeechless,butthewayhelookedatNickseemedtosayhedidn’tentirelyapprove.
“We’releaving,”Nicksaid,ignoringthemboth.
“Sosoon?”Jennacomplained.Iwassureshe’dinterrogatemetilldawnonceshewasbackintheroom,butatthatmoment,Ididn’tcare.
“Myfeetareinagony.Theseshoesareatorturedevice.”AtleastIwasn’tlyingaboutthat.AsNickledmeaway,Ishouted,“Saygoodbyetoeveryoneforme,”tryingtogetJennatohearmeoverthedecibels.Shenodded,stillclearlyunabletoprocesswhatshe’djustseen.
Thesoundproofwallsmuffledthemusicoutside.Itwaslate,butpeoplewerestilllineduptryingtogetin.
“Yourfeethurt,huh?”Nickasked.
Inoddedandsatdownonabench.Nicholaskneltinfrontofmeandstartedunbucklingthem.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Igiggled.
“Idon’tknowhowyouputupwiththese.Justlookingatthemispainful,”hesaid,takingofffirstoneshoeandthentheother.
“Thanks.That’sarelief.”Ididn’tjustmeantheshoes,though.
Tenminuteslater,wewereinhisroom.Theonlylightcameinthroughthewindows,butitwasenoughtoseeby.Hepushedmeintothewall,droppedmyshoesonthefloor,andkissedmeagain,deeper,withmoredesire.
Ididn’tknowwhy,butanytimehehadmeinhisarms,allIcouldthinkofwasourbodiesjoiningasoneandmyhandsrubbinghimallover.AndnowIwasdoingit.Igrabbedahandfulofhishairandpulledhimclose.Hegrippedmyhandsandheldthemovermyhead.
“Don’tmove,”hesaid,kissingmyneck,bitingmewheremypulsewaspounding,suckingmycollarbone.Imoanedwithpleasurewhenhestartedstrokingmythigh,pushingupthebottomofmydress.NowIthoughtthelight,faintasitwas,wastoomuch.IfIlethimkeepgoing,he’dseemenaked.
“Stop,please,”Iaskedhim,buthedidn’tcare.“Stop,”Irepeated,andhemovedback,butIcaughthisrighthandinmine,whereitwasresting,onmythigh.
“Why?”heasked,andhiseyeswerebeggingmetolethimkeepgoing.Neverinmylifehadsomethingtemptedmethatway.AllIwantedwastogiveintohiswishes,totellhimtotakemetobedanddowhathewishedtome,butno…Icouldn’tyet.
“I’mnotready,”Isaid,andIknewthatwastrue,inaway.
Hepressedhisforeheadintomineuntilourbreathingreturnedtonormal.
“Okay,”hesaidafteraminute.“Butdon’tgo.”
Iwonderedwhatwasgoingthroughhismind.
“Yousaidbeforethatwedidn’tknoweachotherwellenough,andyouwereright.AndIwanttoknowyou,Noah,Ireallydo.I’veneverwantedanythingsobadbefore.AndIwantyoutostaywithmetonight.”
Seeinghimopenuptome,Nicholas,thehard-asswhohookedupwithhundredsofgirlswithoutanounceofremorse…ittouchedmedeepinside
“Fine…Let’stalk,”Isaid.
Iwantedtoknowhimbetter,too.
IwasinthebathroominNick’shotelroom.I’dtakenoffmywhitedressandwaslookingatmyselfinthemirrorinmyunderwear.He’dlentmeoneofhisT-shirtssoIcouldbecomfortableasItalkedwithhim,butIcouldn’ttakemyeyesoffthescaronmystomach.Myscarhadalwaysbeenaproblem.ItwaswhyIneverworebikinisandneverletanyoneseemystomach.Justthethoughtofithorrifiedme.
ButItriedtoforgetit,splashingwateronmyfaceandthrowingtheT-shirtovermyhead.Ithungoffmelikeadress,soIdidn’tneedtofeeltooexposed.Iwashedmyfeetincoldwater,too,andenjoyedfeelingmymusclesrelaxafterthetortureofthosehighheels.
WhenIcameout,IsawNicholassittingonthebalcony.He’dtakenoffhisjeansandbutton-downandputonpajamapantsandagrayT-shirt.ItriednottolookathisbodywhenIwentouttoseehim.
AsIsetfootoutside,heturnedandsaid,“Youlookgoodinmyclothes.”
“I’mluckyyou’retall.Otherwisethiscouldbeembarrassing.”Justthen,hisphonestartedtoring.Isawthenamebeforeheansweredandwalkedofftobeabletotalkwithoutmeeavesdropping.ItwassomeonenamedMadison.
Ifeltmyjealousyflareupashemovedpastme,andItriedtopickupanysnippetoftheirconversationIcould.
“Howareyou,Princess?”hesaidinasweetvoice.SincewhenhadNicholascalledanyonePrincess?Iwantedtorunawayjustthen.“Yeah,I’mgreat,Igotlotsofbirthdaypresents.I’mstillwaitingononefromyou.Hopefullyit’sabighugandakiss?”
Thiswasgettingworseandworse.Ineededtogo.Now.Icouldn’tbeartohavehimhereinfrontofmeflirting.ButtherewasnothingIcoulddo.Iwastheonewhohadinsistedthathedidn’tneedtoexplainanythingtome.Iwastheonewho’dsaidIdidn’twanttobeexclusive.SowhatexcusedidIhave?
“YouknowIdo,honey,butIhavetogorightnow.I’llcallyoutomorrow,okay?”hecontinued.Therewastoomuchaffectioninthatconversation.ItwaslikeIwaslisteningtoacompletelydifferentNicholas.“Iloveyou,too,Princess.Goodbye.”Andhehungup.
Icrossedmyarmsandturnedtowardtheocean.Ididn’twanthimtoknowthathiscallhadbotheredme.Itwouldsetabadprecedent.
“Sorry.Ihadtotakethatone,”hesaid,kissingmeontheneckbymytattoo.
“Yousaidweneededtotalk,”Iresponded,turningaround.Heletmegoandsatinoneofthechairs.
“Great,let’stalk,”hesaid,atranquillookonhisface.Hedidn’thaveanyremorse!Icouldfeelmyangermounting.“Howaboutweeachasktenquestions?Butyouhavetoanswerhonestly,andwe’vebothgotarighttooneveto.”
Inodded.Hewasalmosthavingfun.
“Youwannastart?”heasked.
Itookadeepbreath.
“WhothehellisMadison?”Iasked.
Hedidn’tseemsurprised,butstill,hegrimacedandranahandthroughhishair,asifitwasn’ttousledenough.
“IfItellyouthis,youhavetoacceptmyanswerandnotaskmeanymorequestionsaboutit,”hewarnedme,andInodded,tryingtoimaginewhy.Heexhaledalongbreath.“She’smylittlesister,she’sfiveyearsold,andshe’smymom’sdaughterfromherotherhusband.”
Okay,thatwasn’twhatI’dexpected.
“Youhaveasister?”Iaskedincredulously.
“Yeah,andwiththat,you’vewastedanotherquestion,sonowyou’veonlygoteightleft.”
Ishookmyhead.Didmymotherknow?DidWill?
“HowdidInotknow?Imean,nooneevermentionedit.You’vegotafive-year-oldsister!”Iexclaimed,sittingontheedgeofthetableinfrontofhim.
Herestedhiselbowsonhiskneesandleanedintowardme.
“Youdidn’tknowbecausealmostnooneknows,andIwantittostaythatway.”
Itobviouslyhadtodowithhismother.Ididn’tknowmuchabouther,justthatshehadwalkedoutonhimandhisfather,thatthey’ddivorcedwhenhewasjustakid.Thatwasaboutit.
“Doyouhaveagoodrelationshipwithher?”Iasked,tryingtoimaginehimplayingwithafive-year-oldgirlandgettingteary-eyedholdingher.Ijustcouldn’timagineit.
“Great.Iadoreher,butIdon’tseeherenough,”hereplied,andIcouldseethesorrowinhiseyes.Itwasclearlyhardforhimtotalkabout…butstill,hewasdoingit,forme.
Iclimbedoffthetableandcurledupinhislap.Itsurprisedhim,butinsteadofpushingmeaway,hewrappedhisarmsaroundme.
“I’msorry,”Isaid,notjustbecauseofhissisterbutalsoforthewaythingshadgonewithhismother.
“SometimesIimaginebringingherouttoLA,butbylaw,Ican’tseeherveryoften.Mysisterdoesn’tgetalltheattentionsheneeds;she’sdiabetic,andthatonlymakesmattersworse,”hesaid,squeezingmeintohischest.
WhatcouldIsay?Ifeltlikeacompleteidiotnow.NotonlyhadImisjudgedhim,I’dalwaysjustassumedhislifewasperfect,withoutproblemsofanykind.Howstupid.
“Doyouhaveaphotoofher?”Iasked.Icouldn’timaginewhatshelookedlike.
HetookouthisiPhoneandswipedthroughhisphotosuntilhecameuponapictureofaverysmall,veryprettyblondgirl.Ismiled.
“She’sgotyoureyes,”Isaid.Shehadhismischievousexpression,too,butIkeptthattomyself.
“Yeah,that’stheonlything,though.Everythingelseisexactlylikemymom.”
Iturnedtolookathim.Iknewhewashidingthingsfromme;Iknewsomethinghadhappenedwithhismother,butIdidn’tdareask.Idecidedtochangethesubject.
“Yourturn,”Isaid.
Heseemedtobethinkingitoverandthenasked,“What’syourfavoritecolor?”
Ilaughed.
“Outofallthequestionsintheworld,youaskthatone?”
Hegrinnedashewaitedforaresponse.
“Yellow.”
“Yourfavoritefood?”
“Macaroniandcheese.”
“We’vegotsomethingincommonthen,”hesaid,restinghishandonmyforearm.Beingwithhimlikethat…waswonderful.Wonderfulandso,sonew.
“WhydoyoulikeThomasHardy?”heasked.Thatonesurprisedme.Itmeanthe’dbeenwatchingmeandknewwhatIwasreading.
“Iguess…IguessIlikebooksthatdon’tnecessarilyhaveahappyending.They’remorereal,morelikethewaylifeis.Happinessissomethingyouhavetolookfor,youdon’tjustfinditsoeasily.”
“Youdon’tbelievepeoplecanbehappy?”heasked.Nowthequestionsweregettingpersonal,andmybodybegantostiffen.
“Ithinkyoucanbelessunhappy.Let’sputitthatway.”
Hescrutinizedme,asiftryingtograspwhatwaspassingthroughmymind.Itmademeuncomfortable,beinglookedatinthatway.
“Areyouunhappy?”hesaid,strokingmycheekwithoneofhisfingers.
“Notrightnow,”Isaid,andhesmiledbackatmesadly.
“Meneither.”
WasIjustimaginingit,orwerewecrossinganinvisiblelinetoreachourrealfeelings?
“Whatdoyouwanttostudywhenyou’redonewithhighschool?”
Okay,thatwaseasy.
“Englishliterature.InCanada.ButIwanttobeawriter,”Isaid.JustthenIrealizedmaybeCanadawasnolongersuchagoodidea.
“Awriter…”Heseemedtobethinkingitover.“Haveyoualreadywrittenanything?”
Inodded.“I’vewrittensomestuff,butI’veneverletanyonereadanything.”
“Wouldyouletmereadsomethingyouwrote?”
Ishookmyhead.I’ddiefromshame.Plus,thethingsI’dwrittenweremorelikediariesthanstuffyoucouldjustsharewithpeople.
“Nextquestion,”Isaidbeforehecouldpushmeonthatpoint.
Helookedatmeattentively,hesitantatfirstbutthenresolute,choosingeveryoneofhiswordscarefully.
“Whyareyouafraidofthedark?”
ThatIdidn’twanttoanswer.NotjustdidInotwantto—Icouldn’t.Thousandsofmemoriesbunchedtogetherinmymind.
“Pass,”Isaidwithatremblingvoice.30Nick
Iobservedherreaction.SinceI’dseenherturnwhiteasasheetwhenwewereplayingTruthorDareandshewassupposedtogointoadarkcloset,Icouldn’tstopaskingmyselfwhatthehellhadhappenedtomakehersoscared.Evenmentioningitjustnowhadterrifiedher,asifthememoryofsomethingweretormentingherinside.
“Relax,Noah,”Isaid,huggingher.I’ddreamedofholdingherlikethis,butnowI’dscrewedupeverythingbyaskingherthatdamnquestion.
“Ijustdon’twanttotalkaboutit,”shesaid,andIcouldfeelhershivering.Whatthehellwasgoingon?
“It’sfine.Everything’sfine,”Isaid,rubbingherback.TonightIhadn’tbeenabletoresistkissingher;ithadbeentoolongsincethelasttime,Icouldn’tkeepmyhandsoffher.Noahhadputaspellonme,andIwasstartingtorealizeanewNicholasexisted,onethatcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutherifhetried.
“Ishouldprobablygo,”shesaid.Icursedmyselfforprovokingthatreaction.Ididn’tlikehowsheranawayfrommeeverytimethingsturnedseriousorwegotclosertoeachother.
“No,stay,”Isaid,buryingmyfaceinherneck,smellinghermagnificent,captivatingaroma,sweetbutalsotremendouslysexy.
“I’mtired.Todaywasalongday,”shesaid,standingup.Igrabbedherhandstogethertostay.
“Sleepherewithme,”Iasked,realizingimmediatelywhatshe’dthinkwhensheheardthosewords.
Fromherexpression,IsawIwasjustmakingmattersworse.IneededtotreadlightlywithNoah.
“Isaidsleep.I’mnotimplyinganythingelse,”Ibeggedher.
Shelookedlikeshewasthinkingitover.
“I’drathersleepinmybed,”shesaid,breakingfreeofmyhands.Sheseemedtowanttotellmesomethingelse,eventoregretnotsayingit,butIunderstoodthatIhadshakenupbadmemoriesandshedidn’twanttobeinthisroomanymore.
“It’sokay.I’llwalkyouback,”Isaid,standingup.
Shegiggled,andmyheartfilledwithhappiness.ThatwastheNoahIliked.
“Nicholas,myroomisrightacrossfromyours.Youdon’tneedtocomewithme,”sheremindedme,goinginsideandgatheringherthings.Itwashottome,seeingherinoneofmyT-shirts.Ithungjustbelowherbutt,andIhadtostruggletokeepmyselffromliftingituptogetabetterview.
“Idon’tcare,”Isaid.
“Thanks.”
Igrabbedhershoesandopenedthedoortoletherthrough.Ididn’tknowwhy,butshemademewanttoactlikeagentleman.
Wecrossedthehalltoherroom,andIwatchedhertakeoutherkeycardandslideitintotheslot.Agreenlightglowed,andthedooropenedwithaclick.
Sheturnedaround.Shelookednervousorfrightened.Ididn’treallyunderstandwhatI’ddonebyaskingherthatquestion,butshefeltsomuchfurtherawaythanbefore.Igrabbedheraroundthewaistandpulledherclosebeforeshecouldgoinside,kissingherdeeply,inawaythatleftmeyearningformore.Shekissedmebackbutbrokeoffabruptlyandgrabbedhershoesoutofmyhand.
“Goodnight,Nick,”shesaidwithatimidsmile.
“Goodnight,Noah.”
Ididn’tknowwhattoexpectthenextmorning,butwhenweallmetinfrontoftheelevator,JennaandLionwerestaringatus.Ididn’tcare.IwalkedstraightovertoNoahandkissedheronthelips.Shewasn’texpectingit,butshedidn’ttrytostopme.Shewaswearingjeanshorts,aT-shirt,andsneakers.ThoseinformalclotheswerecompletelydifferentfromheroutfitthenightbeforeandfromthewaythegirlsIusuallywentoutwithdressed.Ontheoutside,shewassimple,butinside,shewaslikeathousand-piecepuzzle,andIstilldidn’tknowwhereIfitin.
“Getaroom,”Jennasaid,laughing.
“Shutup,Jenna,”Isaid.“Youlookgood,”ItoldNoah.IthoughtI’dhurtherfeelingsthenightbeforewhenI’dsentherthatmessage,andIdidn’twanttoriskitagain.
“You,too,”shesaidblithely.
Wegotintotheelevatorandwenttobreakfast,conversingaboutwhathadhappenedthenightbefore.Jennathoughtwewereoutofourminds.Noahbarelyutteredaword,soIwastheonewhohadtodefendus.
Weweresupposedtogoaroundthecitythatday,visittheshops,andeatout.Thenextday,wehadtogohome,andIwasscaredthateverythingthathadhappenedbetweenuswouldmeannothingoncewe’dpassedthroughthefrontdoor.Wecouldn’tdenythatourpersonalitieswereconstantlyclashing.MostofthememoriesIhadofNoahwereeitherargumentsorstolenkisses,andthatworriedme.Ididn’twanttoloseher;Iwantedtogofurtherwithwhateverwashappeningbetweenus.
Theafternoonflewby.Therestaurantweateatwasnice;Itreatedhertowhatevershewanted,anditdidn’tmatter,itwasnothingcomparedtoJenna,whocouldn’tletasingleshopslipbywithoutgoingin.
IstoppednexttoNoah,whowaslookingatcoloredgemstonenecklaces.Theywerecheaptrinkets,buttheywerethefirstthingshe’dseemedinterestedinsincewe’dleftthehotel.She’dlovedthecityanditssurroundings,butshedidn’tseemtocareabouthavingmorethings.
“Givemethatone,please,”Isaidtotheshopkeeper.Noahwasstartledtohearmyvoiceandlookedover.
“Youdon’thavetogetmethat.Iwasjustlookingatit.”
“Iwantto,”IsaidasIgrabbedthenecklacewithitslittleamberpendant.“Itmatchesyoureyes,”Isaid,wrappingitaroundherneck.
“Thanks,”shesaid,grabbingthependant.
“Noproblem,”Isaidwithagrin.IlikedherwearingitandknowingthatI’dbeentheonetoputitonher.
Afterthat,wehadicecreamtogetherontheshoreandthenreturnedtothehotel.Thegirlswerehungry,anddinnerservicestartedsoon.Jennatoldusshehadpassestoaclubinthecityifwewantedtoendthetriponahighnote.
Wesaidourgoodbyes,andLionandIwentintoourroom.
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’reupto,butyoubetterbecareful,”hesaid.“I’vehadmyeyeonyou,Nick,andthatchick’sgotyousprung.”
“We’rejusthavingfun,Lion.Don’tscrewitup,”Ireplied,takingoffmyT-shirtandturningaround.
“Nicholas,Iknowthetypesofgirlsyougofor,andIdon’tseethisendingwell.I’veneverseentwopeoplemoredifferentthanyouandNoah.”
Ilookedstraightathim.Hewaspissingmeoffnow.
“Lion,mindyourbusiness.YouwantmetobelieveyouandJennahadanythingincommonwhenyoutwomet?”
“I’mjustsaying.”Withthat,hewalkedout,leavingmealoneintheroomwithaheadfullofanxiousthoughts.Itwastrue;Noahwasn’tanythinglikeme,butmaybethatwasexactlywhatIneeded.I’dneverevenwantedtogettoknowanyonebefore.NoahwaslikeariddleIhadtofindtheanswerto.
IshoweredandputonablackT-shirtandjeans.WhenIwasready,Iwenttotheelevator.LionwastherewithJennaandNoah,whowaswearingtightblackpantsandabluetop.Shetookmybreathaway.
Ourrelationshiphadchangedcompletelysincewe’darrived.We’dbarelyargued—thatwasalreadysomething—butIstilldislikedthatdistanceitseemedwecouldneverbreakthrough.Everytimeoneofustooktwostepsforward,theothertookfiveback.
Whenweleftthehotel,theweatherwaspleasant.Thesunhadalreadygonedown.Wewalkedtotheclub.OnlywhenwereachedthedoordidIrealizethiswasn’tgoingtogowell.Thevolleyballplayerswerealloutsidewaitingforus.IthadbeenstupidofmenottorealizetheymusthavegivenJennathepassesthedaybeforeafterNoahandIhadleft.
Noahsteppedawayfrommysidetogreetthem.Ihadtouseallmyself-controlnottopoundJessintothepavementwhenhehuggedherandpickedherupoffthegroundjustashe’ddonethedaybefore.
“Youleftyesterdaywithoutsayinggoodbye!”hereproachedher.Isteppedforward.ThankGodhelethergo.Noahseemedexcited;hercheekswereflushed.Didshelikethatidiot?Ifso,Icouldn’tberesponsibleformyactions.
Theotherplayersgreetedherinturn,andsomeofthemwereclearlycaptivatedwithher.Inthosetightpantsandthosehigh-heeledsandals,shelookedlikearunwaymodel.Herhairwaspulledbacklooselywithacoupleoflocksfallingdownandframingherangelicface.
Whenwewalkedin,Icouldseetheplacewasmorecrowdedthantheclubhadbeenthenightbefore.Apparentlyitwassingles’night.Atthedoor,theygaveyouagreenbraceletifyouweresingle;ifyoudidn’twanttosay,theygaveyouyellow,andifyouwerewithsomeone,yougotred.IkeptmymouthshutwhenIsawNoahpickagreenone,eventhoughIwantedtotearitoffher.Twocouldplayatthatgame.
Wesatinasmallboothclosetothebar.JennadraggedNoahofftogetdrinks.Lionwasalreadyonhiswaybackwithonedrinkforhimandoneforme.Weclinkedglasses,andhesmiledatme.Itwasstrongstuff.
“Happytwenty-secondbirthday,myman!”heshoutedoverthemusic.Thegirlsreturnedasecondlater.
“We’regettingdrunktonight!”Jennashrieked.Noahgiggled.Iwasn’tintotheidea,butIdidn’tsayanything.
Asthenightpassed,Ifeltmoreandmoreonedge.Thosefuckingbraceletswereaninvitationtoanyguywhofeltlikeittorubuponthegirlswiththegreenoryellowones.Sittinginthebooth,IcouldseeNoahdancingwithamucholderguy.Shewasdamnsexywhenshemovedherhipsthatway,anditwaspissingmeoffthatsheseemedperfectlyhappytodancewithanydudewhowasn’tme.
Idownedmyfourthdrinkandwalkedovertoherjustastheguyshewaswithpulledherincloseandplantedakissonherlips.
Rightaway,Isawred.
IpushedNoahawayandgrabbedthefuckhead’sshirt.NextthingIknew,Iwasonthegroundexchangingpuncheswithhim.Ididn’tcare—seeinghisbodythatclosetoNoah’shaddrivenmeinsane.
“Nicholas,stop!”shoutedavoicetoofamiliartoignore.Lion’sarmsgrabbedmefrombehind,andIheardhimcursingashepushedmeoutside.I’dgottenhitintheeye—thesameeyethatwasn’tyethealedfrommylastfight.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoing,man?”
“Where’sNoah?”Iasked,lookingaround.Therewerepeopleeverywhere,andIcouldn’tseeher.Whenshedidappear,shestareddaggersatme.
“Areyououtofyourmind?”sheshouted,incensed,hurryingoverandshovingme.Whatdidshehavetobepissedoffabout?Iyelledather:
“Youlikethat,whensomeguyfeelsyouupinfrontofme?”
“Iwasdancing!”sheshouted.“Dancing!”
ItriedtosuppressmydesiretoshakeherasIwalkedcloseandasked,“Andyoulethimkissyou,too?”Icouldn’tcontrolmyselfanymore,andIwastoodrunktothinkabouttheconsequencesofmywordsasIcontinued,“Ifyou’regoingtoletanyjerkoffwhocomesalongputhishandsalloveryou,thenyoushoulddropthegoodgirlact,walkingaroundwithastickupyourasslikeyou’resomekindofnun—”
Sheslappedmesofast,itdidn’tevenstarthurtingforafewseconds.
Inareflex,Igrabbedherbytheshoulders.
“Dothatagainandseewhathappens.”
OnlyonceI’dspokendidIrealizewhatI’ddone.Thelookofhorroronherfacemademetakeastepback.Shehyperventilated,andhereyesstartedwatering.
“Noah.”
Shesteppedback.
“Ican’tbewithyou,Nicholas.”Thosewordscutlikeaknife.“YourepresenteverythingI’vespentmywholeliferunningfrom.”
Itriedtoholdontoher,butsheduckedunderme,fireshootingfromherhoney-coloredeyes.
“Don’tyoudareputyourhandsonme!”shescreamed.“Ifyouwanttosolveeverythingwithyourfists,that’syourproblem,butdon’tdoitinfrontofme!”
Iwantedtosaysomething,butsheturnedaroundandheadedforthehotel.
“You’reanidiot,Nick,”Jennasaid,hurryingafterher.
Ahandcametorestonmyshoulder.Iwantedtoshoveitaway,butIdidn’t.
“Youfuckedup,dude,”Lionsaid.
“Leavemealone.”31Noah
Istillcouldn’tbelievethingshadgottensooutofhand.Oneminuteyouweredancingwithaguy,thenextyouwerealmostfallingoverwhiletheguyyouwishedwouldaskyououtontothedancefloorwaspoundingthehelloutofthedumbasswhokissedyouwithoutasking.I’dhavegottenridofhimonmyownifI’dhadtime,butNicholashadgoneberserkbeforeI’dgottenthechance.
Ihatedviolenceaboveallelse.I’dseentoomuchofit,andIknewitwasalwaystheproblem,nevertheanswer.Ididn’twanttobewithaguywhowasviolent.Nicholashadalreadyshownmehewasquicktousehisfistswhenthingsgotugly,butlikeafool,I’doverlookedthatdetailbecausewhatIfeltforNickwasstrongerthananythingI’dfeltforanyone.Thepastfewdayswithhimhadbeenamazing.I’devenstartedtoopenuptohim,butaftertonight,itwasover.Hewasrevealinghewasjustajealoustoughguytryingtomarkhisterritory,andIdidn’tlikethatonebit.I’dbeenterrifiedwhenhe’dgrabbedmyshoulders,andI’dseenhowfurioushewas.Icouldn’tbewithanyonewhoscaredme;thatwasadealbreaker.
WhenJennaandIgottoourhotelroom,shewasstillragingaboutNick’sbehavioratthesametimeasshebeggedmetoforgivehim,butIdidn’tcare,Ijustwantedtogetintobed.Thedayhadn’tendedthewayI’dplanned,andallIcouldthinkaboutwasgettingbackhomeandlookingatthingsfromaclearerperspective.
Anhourlater,Iheardanoiseinthehallway.IknewNickhadstayedoutlate,andIwasworriedabouthim.Igotupandwenttothedoor,crackingittoglanceoutintothehall.WhatIsawmademefreeze.
Nickwasn’talone.Hehadagirlpinnedbetweenhimandthedoor.Theyweremakingout.Hewasfeelingherup.
Ididn’tknowifImadeanoise,butNickseemedtorealizeIwasthere.Heturnedandlookedatme.Lettingthegirlgo,heturnedtowardme,coveredhiseyeswithhishands,andstartedwalkingovertome.
“Dammit,Noah,”hesaid,thegirl’slipstickstillonhislips.
Iturnedaroundandshutthedoorinhisface.
Ididn’tsleepallnight.
Thenextmorning,IwassotiredIfeltsick,andmyheadhurt.Ididn’tevenbothercaringaboutmyappearance.Sincearriving,I’dtriedtolookprettyforNick,butwhatwasthepoint?Intheend,theobviousthinghadhappened.Nicholaswasviolentandawomanizer.He’dbeendeceivingme,andlikeanidiot,I’dfallenforit.Ididn’tevenwanttoseehisface.
Ididn’tknowwhathadhappenedafterward,butIcouldn’tgetoutofmyheadthatimageofhertouchinghisbody,hermouthonhis…He’dfreakedoutwhenthatguyhadkissedmeintheclub,andIhadn’tevenwantedit…andwhathe’ddonewaswayworse.
JennanoticedhowquietIwas,andasshewasgettingready,shetriedtodistractmewithjokesandcommentsabouttheweatherandairtraffic.Ididn’tknowhowI’dmanagetoavoidNicholasthewholetripback,butIwasdeterminedtodoso.
Whenwedraggedoursuitcasesoutofthehotelroomandreachedtheelevator,Isawhim.Hishairlookedlikehe’dbeenpullingonit,andhewassittinginachairwithhiselbowsproppedonhisknees,staringintohishands.Whenheheardus,helookedup.
“Noah,”hesaid,andjusthearingmynameinhisvoicemademewanttocry.
“Stayawayfromme,”Iorderedhim.Jennawasaghast,withnoideawhattosayordo.
Hecameover,andIcouldseethebagsunderhiseyes.
“Noah,please,I’msorryaboutlastnight.Iwasdrunkanddidn’tknowwhatIwasdoing.”Hetriedtograbmyhand,butIpulleditaway.Eveninthisstate,hewasstunning,andIhatedmyselfforstillfeelingsomethingforhim.I’dneedtoworkonthat.
“Idon’twantyounearmeeveragain.Whatevertherewasbetweenus,it’sdone.Weshouldneverhavestartedthis.It’sbeenamistakesincethebeginning.”
Inhiseyes,Isawthousandsoffeelings:anger,remorse,pain,shame…
“Iwasdrunk,Noah…Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoing.”
Iobservedhimwithoutreacting.
“Fine,butIdoknowwhatI’mdoingnow.Iwantustobestepbrotherandstepsisteragain.That’sallyouareforme.Mymother’snewhusband’skid.Nothingmore.”
Theelevatorarrived,andIgotinside.Jennadid,too,whileNickturnedaroundandwalkedoff.Ididn’tknowwhatwasinstoreforus,butallIwantedwasforthatweekendtobeover.Forthefirsttimeinages,Iwantedtobewithmymother.Iwantedhertosurroundmewithherarmsandtellmeeverythingwouldbeallright.
Theflightseemedtolastforever.Ididn’tknowifmyimpatiencewasevidentfrommyface,butallthreeofthemleftmealonethewholetime.WhenwedroppedoffJennaandLion,asilencefelloverthecar.Ilookedoutthewindow.Ididn’twanttobethere.Iwantedhimasfaraspossiblefromme;IfeltbetrayedinawayIneverhadbeenbefore.Foramoment,I’dthoughthappinesswaspossible,thoughtI’dtoucheditwithmyfingertips.IcouldalmostseeafuturewithNick,butthathadfallenapartasquicklyasithadarisen.Myeyeswereburningfromtheurgetocry.IcouldstillseeNickhittingthatguy;itwasalmostlikeaclipfromahorrorfilm.Andthentherewashimwiththegirl.I’dknownsincethatmomentthatwhatIfeltforhimwasmuchstrongerthanI’drealized.ThathadbeenevenworsethanseeingDanwithmybestfriend.
Ifeltatearslipdownmycheek,andbeforeIcouldwipeitaway,hisfingerswereonmyskin,stealingsomethingthatwasn’this.Islappedhimaway.
“Don’ttouchme,Nicholas!”Iorderedhim,gratefulthatIhadn’tburstcompletelyintotears.
Helookedasifmyrejectionhadhurthim,butthatmusthavebeenalie:Nicholasdidn’tfeelanythingforme.He’dproventhat.
Justthen,hestoppedthecar.Ilookedoutsideandsawwewerestillfarfromhome.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked,disoriented,angry,stunned.Ifeltvulnerable,andIneededtobeawayfromhim.
Heturned.
“Youhavetoforgiveme,”hebegged.
Ishookmyhead.Iwasn’tgoingtogoonlisteningtohim.Ididn’tevenwanttobeinthesamecarashim.Iunbuckledmyseatbeltandgotout.Ididn’tcareifwewereinthemiddleoftheroad.
Iheardhimrunningaftermeasfastashecould.Itriedtogetaway,butsoonhe’dgottenholdofmeandwasjerkingmearoundtofacehim.
“I’msorry,Noah,”hesaid.“Ididn’twanttodoit.I’mnotusedtothis.Don’tyougetit?I’veneverfeltthisforanyone,andyesterdaywhenIsaw…Ialmostlostit.Thatidiotkissingyou,Imean.”
“SowhatdoyouthinkIfeltwhenIsawyousplithisfaceopen?!”Ishouted,tryingtoavoidhisgrasp.“Admiration?Gratitude?No!Iwasscared!Ialreadytoldyou,Idon’tlikeviolence!Andthen,totopitoff,youhookupwithsomeonerightoutsidemydoor!”
Whenheheardme,Nickletmego,almostasifhe’dbeenelectrocuted.
“Areyouscaredofme?”heasked.
IknewIwasonthevergeoffallingapart,butInoddedanyway.
“Iwouldneverlayafingeronyou,”hesaid.“Idon’tknowwhathappenedtoyouinthepast,Noah,butwhateveritwas,Ipromise—Iwillneverhurtyou.”
Ishookmyhead.
“Youalreadydid,Nicholas.”
Hetriedtosaysomething,butIinterruptedhim.
“Pleasejusttakemehome.”
Wedidn’ttalktherestoftheway,andoncewegotthere,ItookmysuitcasesstraighttomyroomaftersayinghellotomymotherandWilliam.Nicholasdidn’tevenstaybehind.Oncehe’dtakenoutourbags,hegotbackintohiscar.Ididn’tcare,notanymore;Ineverdid,oratleastIkepttryingtotellmyselfthat.
Thenextmorning,alettercameforme.IwassupposedtohangoutwithJenna,Lion,andMario,andIleftitinthepassengerseatasIdrovetotheplaceweweremeeting.Therewasnoreturnaddress,andIopeneditafterIgotoutofthecartowait.
I’dneverimaginedwhatI’dfindinit.WhenIstartedtoread,myheartspedup,andIfelttheblooddrainfrommyface.
I’mwritingyouthisletterbecauseIhateyoumorethananyoneintheworld.Watchyourback,Noah.
A.
Thosewordsburnedintomymindlikefire.Noonehadeversaidanythinglikethattomebefore,andIfeltmyhandsstarttoshake.Somebodymusthavedroppedtheletterinourmailboxbecausetherewasnostamp.A?WhothehellwasA?ThefirstpersontocomeintomyheadwasAnna,butitcouldn’tbeher.Shewasabitch,butIdidn’tthinkshewascapableofsomethinglikethat.ThenIthoughtofRonnieandthethreathe’dmadetoNicholas,butwhywouldhewriteA?Ididn’tknowanyonewhosenamestartedwiththatletter…Thiswasinsane.Iwasscared,butIdecidedtoconsideritajoke.Noonewasgoingtohurtme,notinthatcity,notatmyhome.
“What’sup?”afamiliarvoiceasked.ItwasMario.I’dinvitedhimbecausehehadn’tstoppedsendingmemessagessinceIleftfortheBahamas.MarioandIhadhadamoment,sotospeak—wehadkissed,butithadseemedtomeanmoretohimthanitdidtome.I’dbeenplanningonputtingthebrakesonanythingromanticwithhim,butafterwhathadhappenedwithNicholas,Iwasn’tsosure.Mariowasnice,gentle,caring;herespectedme,andheseemedgenuinelyinterestedinme.IknewIwaslyingtomyself,butIwantedtobewithsomeonenormalforonceinmylife,findapersonwhocouldmakemehappyandwhorespectedmeasaperson,andMarioseemedperfect.
Ismiledathim.IdoubtIlookedveryconvincing,especiallybecauseIstillhadthatletterinmyhead.Istuffeditintomypantspocketandtriedtoputonahappyface.
“Nothing.I’mgood,”Iresponded,givinghimahug.Weweregoingtoabowlingalley.Iwasn’taproatbowling,butIwasgoingtotrytohavefun,distractmyself,andforgetaboutNick.
JennaandLionarrivedjustthen.Shehuggedme;sheknewIwasn’tdoingwellandwouldn’twanttotalkaboutwhatwashappening.Liondidn’tseemtoknowhowtoact.
Ismiledathimanyway,andthefourofuswalkedinside.Theplacewashuge,withpeopleplayingandeatingsnacksallaround.Thenoiseofballsstrikingthepinsechoedregularlythroughtheroom.Ifeltgoodwithallthosepeoplearoundyellingwhensomeonegotastrike.
Whilewewerewaitingforourshoes,MarioaskedwhetherIreallydidn’tknowhowtoplay.
“Don’tlaughatme,”Isaid.“Anyway,throwingaballonthegroundcan’tbethathard.”
“Well,I’mgladyoucame,”hesaid.HisbrowneyesweresodifferentfromNick’s.“IknowsomethinghappenedwithyouandNicholas,”hecontinued,andIhadtolookaway.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutNick,andcertainlynotwithMario.“Idon’tcare,though,Noah.Ijustwantyoutogivemeachance.Nick’snogoodforyou.I’mnotsayingthatbecauseIwantashot,I’mjusttellingyouthetruth.He’snotaone-womanguy,andyoudeservesomeonebetterthanhim.”
Hewasright,Ithought,butatthesametime,partofmewantedtodefendNick,tellMariohewaswrong,saythatNickcouldchange,thatIcouldmakehimchange.
Hownaive.
“Ican’tbewithanyonerightnow,”Ideclared.“Idon’twanttohurtyou,butIneedyoutounderstand.”Icursedmyselfjustthenfornotbeingabletolovetherightpeopleforme.
Hecamecloseandranafingerovermycheek,leavingbehindawarmfeeling.
“I’dbehappyjusttobeyourfriend.Fornow.”Hegrabbedhisshoes.Ididthesame,notreallygraspingwhathe’djustsaidtome.
BowlingturnedouttobefarmoredifficultthanI’dimagined.IstartedoffwatchinguntilIfinallydaredtogomyself.Ididn’tmanagetoknockevenonepinover.Everyonelaughedatmeanditgottome.Icouldn’thelpit—Iwasverycompetitive.
WhenIstartedtogetthehangofit,Igotalittletoomotivated.Irolledtheballtoohard,itslipped,andIfellonmybackonthelane.Butthatwasn’tall—myfingerswerestuckintheball,anditwounduponmystomach.
Itwentwithoutsayingthatithurt,andIwasterriblyembarrassedtoboot.Ialmostthrewup,andwhenIstood,Iwasseeingstars.Atfirstpeoplelaughedatme,butthentheycameovertoseeifIwasokay.Iwasn’tgoingtodie,butthesideofmyhipwashurtingsobadlyIcouldnearlycry.
“Let’sgotothehospital,”Mariosaid.
“Noah,whenyoufell,youhityourhead.Youneedtoseeadoctor,”Jennaurgedme.
“I’mfine!”Ishouted.ActuallyIwasaching,butinlessthananhour,Ihadtogotoworkatthebar.I’dalreadymissedadayfortheBahamas,sotherewasnogettingoutofit.
SeeinghowangryIwasgetting,everyonelaidoffme.
“Areyousureyoudon’twantmetotakeyou?”Marioaskedfortheeighthtimeinaminute.Whenhesawmyscowl,hethrewhishandsuptoletmeknowhe’dgivenup.
“Okay,okay!”hesaid,laughing.“Butputsomeiceonit,andifyougetsickoranythinghappens,callme.I’lltakeyoutothehospital.”
Ugh…Ihadtogetoutoftherenow.
“Thanks,Mario,”Isaid,kissinghimonthecheekandgettingintomycar.
Ahalfhourlater,IwaswalkingthroughthedoortoBar48.Ididn’tloveworking,butonthatdayinparticular,itwasthelastplaceIwantedtobe.I’dliedtoeveryone—actuallyIwasn’tfineatall.Mysidewashurting,andmyheadfeltlikeitwasgoingtoexplode.
“Hey,girl,”saidJenni,oneofthewaitressesworkingthatshift.Shewasnice,evenifwedidn’thavemuchincommon.“You’reinagoodmood,bitch,”shesaid,smackinghergum.
SeewhatImean?
Ichangedintomyworkshirtandgotstarted.ItwasaThursday,buttheplacewaspacked.Igotoffatten,andIcouldn’twaittogetbackhome.
“Hey,Noah,”mybosssaid.Hewasbreakinghisbackservingdrinks.“Anywayyoucanstaylatetonight?Youcanmakebackyourhoursfromtheotherday.”
No,please!Iwantedtoshout,buttherewasnothingIcoulddo.Iscuttledoffbrieflytothebreakroom,mademyselfalittleicepack,andpresseditagainstmyforehead.Thatjabbingpainwouldn’tgoaway,andIwasfeelingworsebythesecond.
IkeptonworkingeventhoughIhadtostepoffthefloortwicetovomitinthestaffbathroom.Somethingwasevidentlywrong,andIstartedtowonderifIreallyshouldgotothehospital.Iwashedmymouthout.WhenIemerged,Inearlyhadaheartattack:Ronniewasthere.Hewasstandinginthecornerwithagroupofguys.Iwasterrified.Thatletterinmypocketfeltlikeitwasburning,andIhadtheurgetotakeoffrunning.Icouldstillrememberhisfaceashewasshootingatme.
“Takecareofthoseguys,”mybossorderedme,passingmeatrayofshots.Shit.Iwasn’tevensupposedtoservealcohol,butweweresobusytheydidn’tcareaboutbreakingtherules.ItriedtoaskJenniforhelp,butshewasevenbusierthanIwas.
Igrabbedthetrayandsettheshotsdownquickly,hopingagainsthopetheywouldn’tnoticeme.
“Ican’tbelieveit,”Ronniesaid,grabbingmyarm.
“Letmego.”Itriedtokeepacoolhead.
“Oh,comeon,stickaroundawhile.”Icouldfeelhishatredforme,hiscontempt.I’dhumiliatedhim,andapersonlikehimcouldn’tletthatgo.
Hisfriendswerecrackingup.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Withallthosepeoplethere,mybosscouldn’tevenseeme.
“Whatdoyouwant,Ronnie?”Iaskedbetweenclenchedteeth.
“I’dliketofuckyoueverywhichway,howaboutthat?”Hisfriendsstartedlaughing.
“Youbetterletmegoifyoudon’twantmetohavethedoorguytossyououtonyourass,”Ithreatened.
“How’syourboyfriend?”hecontinued.“LasttimeIsawhim,hewascryinglikeababyaskingforustoleavehimalone.”
IrememberedthebeatingNickhadreceived—thebeatingthathadbeenmyfault—andthenauseaI’dfeltthatwholeafternoonreturned.
“Letmego—you’rehurtingme,”Isaid,twistingmywristinhisirongrip
“Youlistentomerealclose,”hesaid,pullingmeclosersoIcouldseehisrepulsivemouthmoving.“YoutellNicholasthat—”
Justthen,anarmwrappedaroundmywaist,adullthudknockedRonnieaway,andallatonce,Nicholaswasinfrontofme,blockingmewithhisbody.
“Whatshouldshetellme?”heaskedcalmly.
Ronniesmiledandstoodup,face-to-facewithhim.
Myheartstartedpounding.Notagain,please
“Hey,wemissedyou,bruh,”hesaidwithadarksmilethathorrifiedme.“Youdon’tcomearoundnomore…It’slikeyou’vegonesoft.”
“LeaveNoahalone,”Nicksaid,themusclesinhisbodyalltense.
“Orwhat?”Ronniesteppedforwarduntiltheirnosesweretouching.
IgrabbedNicholas’shand.
“Nicholas,don’tdoit,”Iwhispered.Iknewhe’dheardme.Ronnie,too.NickpressedhisfistintoRonnie’schestandpushedhimaway.
“Stayoutofmylife,Ronnie.Youdon’twantproblemswithme.Therearetoomanywitnesseshereforyoutoriskgoingbacktojail.”
Ronnieclenchedhisteethandforcedagrin.
Justthen,themanagerwalkedoverwiththedoorguy.
“Youtwo,”hesaidtoRonnieandNick,“outofhere,now.”
Iwastremblingallover.
Ifollowedthemoutside.NicholaswenttohiscarandRonnietohis—or,rather,toNick’sFerrari.HeshotpastNickandvanisheddownthestreet.IwalkedovertoNickwithastrangefeelinginmychest.
“Areyouokay?”heaskedme,lookingatmyfacewithworry.
“Yeah,I’mfine,Ijust…”Suddenlyastrangefeelingovertookme.Icouldn’tseeNickclearlyanymore,andeverythingwentdark.32Nick
Igrabbedherasshewasabouttohittheground,cursed,draggedheraroundtotheothersideofthecar,andlaidherinthepassengerseat.
She’dfainted.Ishoutedtothesecurityguytobringmeabottleofwater.Slowly,Noahcameto.
“Hey,Noah,”Isaid,bringingthebottletoherlips.“Here,takeadrink.”
Sheopenedhereyesandgrabbedit,takinglittlesips.
“Whathappened?”sheasked,lookingallaround.“Where’sRonnie?”
Ibreathedasighofrelief,knowingshewasallright.
“Heleft,”Isaid,leaningontheheadrest.“Dammit,Noah,youscaredthehelloutofme.”
Paleasaghost,shesaid,“I’mallright.”
“No,you’renot,”Isaid.“Liontoldmeyoufellwhenyouwerebowlingandhityourhead,butyourefusedtogotothehospital.”
“Ididn’tgotothehospitalbecauseIalreadyknowwhatthey’regoingtotellme.ThatIneedtorest.”
Iwasstartingtolosepatience.
“Youcouldhaveabloodclot.”
“That’snotit.”
Bythen,I’dstoppedlistening.Igotinthecarandtookofftowardthehighway.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“I’mtakingyoutotheemergencyroom.Youhityourheadandpassedout.Maybeyou’reokayplayingwithyourlifelikethat,butI’mnot.”
Whenwegotthere,Noahgotoutandwalkedintotheemergencyroomonherown.Shefilledoutthepapersandwaitedforthemtocallher.
“Idon’twantyougoinginwithme.Waithere.”
“Comeon,Noah.”
“I’mserious.”
Iwasangryathavingtostayinthewaitingroom.IknewI’dscrewedupwithNoah,butitwaskillingmetothinkshewashurtandIcouldn’tbetheretomakeherfeelbetter.Ronniewouldn’tstopuntilhegotwhathewanted,andIwasafraidthingswereonlygoingtogetworse.
IthoughtaboutcallingSteve,mydad’ssecuritychief,andexplainingthesituation,butthatwouldrequiremerevealingtoomuch.Myfatherwouldlearnwhatwasgoingonandwouldwanttocallthepolice.IfRonnieheardthelawwasafterhim,he’dbethreetimesasdangerousashewasnow.Gangbeefshadtobesolvedinthestreets,butIcouldn’tdothatifitmeantlosingNoahintheprocess.IthadtakeneverythingI’dhadnottosplithisfaceopenthenandthere,butIknewifIdid,Noahwouldneverforgiveme.
Togetherback,I’dneedtorethinkmyrelationshipwithviolence.Noahhadfinallyopeneduptome,andwe’dgottencloser.Ihadtoldheraboutmysister.I’dcometounderstandwhatitmeanttolovesomeone.Iknewit,IknewIlovedhernow,Ineededhertobreathe…HowcouldIhavebeensostupid?
NoahwasthelastpersonIwantedtoseecry,thelastpersonIwantedtohurt.Ididn’tknowwhenthingshadchangedsomuchorwhenI’dpassedfromhatinghertofeelingwhatIfeltnow,butallIknewwasIdidn’twanttoloseher.
Sheemergedfromtheexamroomandwalkedtowardme.Istoodup,anxious.
“It’saminorconcussion,”shesaid.
Dammit.Iknewit.
“It’snotabigdeal.TheytoldmetocomebackifIfeellight-headedorpassout,butaslongasIgetsomerest,I’llbeokay.Igotanotetostayhomefromworkandsomepainpillsfortheheadache.”
Iwassorelieved,Ireachedouttotouchher,butshejerkedawaybeforeIcould.
“Canyoutakemebacktowork?Iwanttogetmycar.”
Iwaspissed,butIdecideditwasbesttokeepmymouthshut.Itookhertothebarandfollowedherhometobesureshe’dmadeitokay.Irealizedshewasn’tgoingtoletmeclosetoher,especiallynotafterthis,soIwenttoAnna’s.
Annahadreachedouttomeseveraltimessincemytrip,andIknewIhadtobehonestwithher:I’dletmyhatredformymothergetthebetterofme,andI’dtreatedallwomenthesameevenwhenthereweresomewhowereincredible—inmycase,oneinparticularIhadtomakeminenomatterwhat.
WhenIstoppedinfrontofAnna’shouse,shecameoutandwalkedover,lookingunsettled.
Shebentovertokissmeonthelips,butIpulledawayautomatically.Mylipswouldonlykissonepersonfromnowon,andthatpersonwasn’tAnna.
“What’sup,Nick?”sheasked,woundedbymyrejection.Ididn’twanttohurtAnna;we’dknowneachotheralongtime.Iwasn’tasbigajerkasIactedlike.
“Wecan’tkeepseeingeachother,Anna,”Isaid.Thecolordrainedfromhercheeks,andherfacelookedshattered.
Afterapause,shereplied,“It’sher,isn’tit?”Hereyesstartedwatering.WasthiswhatIwanted—tomakeallthewomenaroundmecry?
“I’minlovewithher.”Confessingitaloudwasn’tashardasI’dthought.Itwasfreeing,gratifying,thetruth.
Sheswiftlywipedawayhertearsandsaid,“You’reincapableoflove,Nicholas.”Shewasangrynow.“I’vespentyearswaitingforyoutofallinlovewithme,doingeverythingIcantotrytogetyoutoopenupjustalittlebitandmakespaceforme,andallyou’vedoneisblowmeoff,useme…andnowyou’retellingmeyou’reinlovewiththathighschooler?”
Thiswasn’tgoingtobeeasy.
“Ineverwantedtohurtyou,Anna,”Isaid,butsheshookherhead.
“Youknowwhat?”sherepliedfuriously.“Ihopeyounevergetwhatyouwant.Youdon’tdeservetobeloved,Nicholas.IfNoah’ssmart,she’llstayawayfromyou.Youthinkyoucanlivealifelikeyours,withapastlikeyours,andgetagirllikethattofallinlovewithyou?”
Iballedupmyfists.Iwasn’tinthemoodforthisshit,butpartofmeknewAnnawasabsolutelyright.Tryingtocontrolmyself,ItoldAnnagoodbye.IcouldseethefuryinhereyesasIstartedmycarbackupandpulledoff.
IknewI’dhavetoworktogetNoahtoforgiveme,butIhadnoideahow.WhenIgothomethatnight,allIwantedwastoseeher,butshewasn’tinherroom.Iendedupfindingherinthelivingroomasleep,withherheadinhermother’slap.RaffaellawaswatchingamovieandstrokingNoah’slonghair.Shelookedrelaxed,andIfeltatightnessinmychestwhenIsawherthatIhadn’tfeltfortenyearsbecauseofthefight,becauseI’dkissedthatgirlandshe’dseenme,becauseI’dhurther…anditalsomademesadtoseethatrelationshipbetweenherandhermother.ItawakenedmemoriesI’dkeptlockedupinthebackofmymind.Mymotherusedtodothesamething.WhenIwasjusteight,sheusedtocalmmedownafterI’dhadanightmare—herhandonmyhairhadbeentheperfectremedytomakemefeelsafeandrelaxed.IstillrememberedallthosenightswhenI’dfallenasleepcrying,scared,waitingforhertocomeback,openthedoortomyroom,calmmedownthewaysheusedto.Ifeltapaindeepinmychest,apainthatonlyeverwentawaywhenIwaswithNoah.Ilovedher.Ineededhernexttometobeabetterperson,toforgetthosebadmemories.IneededhersoIcouldfeelloved.
Raffaellalookedoverandsmiled.
“It’sjustlikewhenshewasalittlegirl,”shewhispered.
InoddedandwishedIwastheonedoingit.
“I’venevertoldyouthis,Ella,butI’mgladyou’rehere,thatyou’rebothhere,”Isaid,notreallyawareofwhatIwasdoing.Thewordsjustcameoutofmymouth.Buttheyweretrue.Noahhadchangedmylife,hadmadeitmoreinteresting,hadmademewanttofightforsomethingandnotjustgiveup—forher.Iwantedher.
Iwasgoingtochange,Iwasgoingtobeabetterperson,andIwasgoingtotreatherthewayshedeserved,nomatterthecost.Iwasn’tgoingtostoptillIhadher.
Thenextmorning,IwentdownstairsforbreakfastandsawNoahasalways,withabowlofcerealandabook.Butshewasn’treading.Shewasn’teveneating.Shejustspunherspoonaroundinherbowl,hermindclearlyelsewhere.Whensheheardme,shelookedoverandthenturnedtothepagesofherbook.Raffaellawasthereinherreadingglasseslookingatthepaper.
“Goodmorning,”shesaid.IpouredmyselfacoffeeandsatdownacrossfromNoah.Iwantedhertolookatme,wantedtoseeherreactsomehowtomypresence.Evenangerwouldhavebeenfine,aslongasshedidn’tignoreme—thatwasworsethanashoutoraninsult.
“Noah,aren’tyougoingtoeat?”hermotherasked,alittlelouderthannormal.Noahlookedup,pushedawayherbowl,andstood.
“I’mnothungry.”
“Forgetthat,Miss.Youdidn’tevenhavedinneryesterday.Youbetterfinishyourbreakfast,”Ellaorderedher.
Shit.NowNoahwasn’teating,anditwasallmyfault.
“Leavemealone,Mom,”shesaidandwalkedoutofthekitchen.
“Whathappened,Nicholas?”Ellaaskedme,takingoffherglasses.
Iignoredherandgotup.
“Nothing,don’tworry.”IcaughtupwithNoahinthehallway.
“Hey,you!”Icalledher,hurryingtogetinfrontofher.
“Move,”shesaid.
“Soyou’renoteatingnow?”Iaskedher.Shedidn’tlookright.Shewashaggard.“Howareyou,Noah?Don’tlie.Ifyoudon’tfeelgood,weneedtogotothehospital.”
“I’mjusttired.Ididn’tsleepmuch.”
Iwalkedwithheruptoherbedroom.
“Howlongareyougoingtogowithouttalkingtome?”Iasked.
“I’mtalkingtoyounow,right?”shereplied,waitingformetomoveawayfromherdoor.
“Imeantalktome,notbarkatme,whichiswhatyou’vebeendoingeversincewegothomefromtheBahamas,”Isaid,tryingmybesttoreachherthewayI’dbeenabletobefore.
“Itoldyou,Nicholas,thisisover.NowmovesoIcangettomyroom.”
Dammit.33Noah
IknewI’dbeenanidiotfornottakingbettercareofmyself.Thingshadpiledup,andI’dletthemgetoutofcontrol.Nick,theletter,thefall,everythinghadgottenthebetterofme.BeingwithNicholashadbroughtproblemsandsuffering,moresufferingthatIknew,andIrealizedthatIneededtoletitallgo.Notdoingsowasbadforme,anditwasbadforhim,too.ItwaspainfultoadmitIwouldn’tbeabletoholdontohim,butIrealizeditwasright,evennecessary,ifIwantedtobuildanewlifehere,findaplaceformyselfinthiscity,andputbacktogethertheshatteredfragmentsofmyheart.
SoIgotoutofbedreadytoleaveallthebadthingsbehind.IwassupposedtogoshoppingwithJennathatafternoon.Therewasonlyonedayleftbeforeclassstarted,andeventhoughIwasnervousandscared,Iwashappytoleavethesummerbehind,startover,dobetter,gettheoldmeback.
ThankGod,Jennawasthetypewhosuckedyouinwhenyouwerewithher,soIgotdistractedbetweenherandthethoughtsofwhatmyfirstdayatSt.Marie’swouldbelike.Jennasaiditwasanelitistschool,andeveniftherewerelotsofdifferentkindsofpeoplethere,theyallhadonethingincommon:theywereloaded.Ididn’tknowhowI’dfitinthere,butbeforeIcouldevenblink,itwasseveninthemorning,thealarmwasgoingoff,anditwastimeformyfirstdayofclass.
Myuniform,nowproperlytailored,waswaitingformeonthechairbymydesk,andwhenIemergedfromthebathroom,Istarteddressing,unabletoavoidfeelingweird.Theskirtwasnowaboutfiveinchesabovemyknee,andtheshirtfitsnuglyinalltherightplaces.Iputonmyblackshoesandlookedatmyselfinthemirror.Mylord,whydidithavetobegreen—moss-greenatthat?Evenworse,Ihadnoideahowtotieatie.Leavingitofffornow,Igrabbedmybagandwalkedoutwiththetypicalapprehensionofthefirstdayofschool:typicalforasix-year-oldanyway,ifnotforaseventeen-year-old.
Momwasinthekitchen,dressedbutlookingsleepy,withacupofcoffeeinherhand.Nicholaswassittinginfrontofherattheisland.I’dhardlyseenhimsinceI’dcomebackfromthehospital.Onetimehe’dcheckedinonme,andeventhen,I’dpretendedtobeasleep.Thatwasthreedayswithouttalking.Mymothersaidhehadn’tevensleptathome.Icouldn’thelpbutpauseinthedoorwaytolookathimbriefly.Hishairwasdisheveled,andhelookedgoodinhisjeansandhislooseblackshirt.Ihadtoremindmyselfofeverythingthathadhappened.
“Ihavenoideahowtoputthisstupidthingon.Ineedhelp,”Isaid.
“Oh,Noah,you’resocute,”mymomsaid,laughing.Ifrownedather.
“Don’tlaugh.Ilooklikeanelf.”ItookaseatacrossfromNicholas,whowassittingtherereadingthepaperwithaslight,almostimperceptiblesmileonhisface.
“I’llmakeyourbreakfast,andyoucanaskNicktohelpyouwiththetie.”Ilookedup,uncomfortable,asNicklaiddownhispaperandraisedhiseyebrows
Mymotherputonmusic,soIalonecouldhearmypoundingheartbeat.Ididn’twantNicktotouchme,butIdidn’tknowhowtotiethatdamnedthing,andIdidn’twanttospendhalfanhouronYouTubewatchingtutorialsaboutit.Istoodupandwalkedover,eyeslookingelsewhere.
Withoutgettingup,hegrabbedmywaistandpulledmebetweenhislegs.
“Youruniformlooksgood,”hesaid,tryingtocatchmyeye.
“It’sridiculous,andIdon’twantyoutotalktome,”Ihissedashislongfingersgrazedmyneck,tryingtoliftupthecollarofmywhiteshirt.
Mymother,cookingandhumming,hadnoideawhatwashappeningtenfeetaway.
“Iwon’tstoptalkingtoyou,andIwillgetyoutochangeyourmindaboutme,”hesaid,bringhisfaceclosertominethanwasappropriate.“Iwantyouformyself,Noah,andIwon’tstopuntilIhaveyou.”
Whatthehell?Hadhelosthismind?ThiswasNicholasLeister—Mr.IDon’tBelongtoAnybody.
Hisfingerstouchedmyneck,thistimeonpurpose.Itwassosensual,IhadtoclosemyeyestoconcentrateonwhatIwasreallythinking,whatIreallywanted.AndwhatIwantedwasnottobehurtagainbyNicholas—oranyotherguy,forthatmatter.
“Youdone?”Iasked.Hestoppedandobservedme.Thenhequicklyadjustedtheknotandgaveitanexpertlook.
“Yeah.Goodluckonyourfirstday.”Hegotupandunexpectedlygavemeaquickkissonthecheek.Ialmostwantedtoshoutforhimtohugme,holdme,takemetothatstupidschoolinhiscar,kissmeuntilIpassedout.ButinsteadIstoodtherewaitingtohearhimgooutthefrontdoor.
“Noah,”mymothersaidfromtheotherendofthekitchen.I’dgottenlostinthoughtandhadn’tbeenlisteningtoher.Iturnedasshesetacupofcoffeeinfrontofmealongwithaletterwithnoreturnaddress.
“Thisarrivedthismorning,”shetoldme,drinkingthelastsipofhercoffee.“Itmustbefromsomeonearoundhere.Itdoesn’tevenhaveastamponitorareturnaddress.Doyouhaveanyideawhoitcouldbefrom?”
Ishookmyhead,tookitwithtremblinghands,andopenedit.Mymotherreturnedtohernewspaper.Iwasgladshedidbecauseitmeantshedidn’tnoticehowIturnedcompletelywhitejustthen.
Thehandwritingwasthesameastheotherday:
I’mwatchingyou.Youshouldn’tbehere.Youshouldn’thaveevercome.PS.Goodluckatyournewschool.
P.A.
Idroppeditonthetableinterror.Thiswasreallygettingfrightening.Whocouldbecruelenoughtothreatenmelikethat?WhoeveritwashadtoknowmeprettywellbecausetheyknewIwasstartingschoolthatday.RonniewastheonlypersonIcouldthinkof,andifthatwastrue,thenIonlyhadonepersontoturnto,asmuchasIhatedit.
Iputtheletterinmysweaterpocketandstoodup.
“Aren’tyougoingtofinishyourbreakfast?”mymotherasked.
“I’mtoonervous.I’llhavesomethinglater,”Isaid,runninguptomyroom.IgrabbedtheletterfrombeforethatI’dhiddeninmynightstandandplaceditnexttothisone.Iwasright—thehandwritingwasthesame,thelengthwasalmostthesame,too,therewasjustonedifference:thesignature.P.A.Didthatmeanmorethanonepersonwaswritingme?HowcouldIalreadyhaveenemieshere?Ihidthelettersinadrawerandtriednottothinkaboutthem.Ididn’twanttobeworriedaboutsomethinglikethisonmyfirstday.Ifmorecame,IdecidedI’dsaysomethingtoNicholas.Ididn’twantto,butIknewhe’dhelp.
Iwentdownstairsagain,andMomandIgotintohercarandheadedforschool.She’dinsistedontakingme.NowIregrettedit.I’dhaverathergoneinmyowncar.Drivingwouldhavetakenmymindoffeverything.
Thefrontdoorofthemainbuildingwaspackedwithstudentsdressedingreen.Someweresittingonthebenchesoutside,othersfilingin.Afewoutsidewerefinishingtheirlastcigaretteorjustdraggingtheminutesonuntiltheroutineofschoolbegan.Irememberedithadbeenthesameatmyschool.Peoplewerealreadygatheredintocliquesandseemedhappytoseetheirfriendsagainaftersummer.
“Haveagoodday,honey,”mymothersaid.Icouldtellshewasstirredup.
“Whatthehell,Mom?”Iasked,laughing.
Shetriedtoactnormalbutfaileddramatically.
“Hush.I’mjusthappyyougettogohere,that’sall.”Shewipedawayatear.
Ishookmyheadandkissedheronthecheek.
“You’renuts,butIloveyou,”Isaid,chucklingasIgotoutofthecar.
Shewavedgoodbyeandleft.AsIwalkedtowardthedoor,crossingthelawnandpassingallthestudentsstillonthebenches,someoneappearedbesideme,startlingme.
“OhmyGod,youlookterrible!”Jennasaid,shovingme.Seeingherinthatuniform,glamorousasshenormallywas,crackedmeup.Still,shewashoteveninthatgod-awfulgreensweaterandtie.Herlegswereuncovered,hersockscute,herskirtveryshort.Minewasn’tlong,either,butitwasmodestcomparedtohersandtheothergirls’.
“Shutup!”Isaid.
“Comeon,I’llintroduceyoutomyfriends,”shesaid,draggingmeofftooneofthebenches.Thereweretwogirlsandthreeguysthere,amongthemSophieandSam,whomI’dmetattheparty.
“What’sup,Noah?”Samsaid.IrememberedhavingtokisshimduringthatstupidgameofTruthorDare.Hewasblondandhadattractivebrowneyes,butatthesametime,hehadamirthfulairthatmadehimlooklikealittleboytome.Hestaredmeupanddown.“Youlookgoodinthatuniform.”
Irolledmyeyes.NoonebutJennalookedgoodinthishorribleget-up,thoughttheboysweresexyintheirbutton-downshirtsandblackslacks.Sophie,thegirlwho’dbeeneyeingNickattheparty,staredatme,andIwonderedwhatwaspassingthroughhermind.Nexttoher,abrown-hairedgirlwithbrighteyesglaredatme.IalmostfeltlikeIrecognizedher.
“Noah,thisisSam,whoyoualreadyknow,”Jennasaid.Iignoredhersarcastictone.“ThisisSophie,andthisisCassie,Anna’ssister.Imentionedherthattimeatdinner.”NowIrealizedwhyshelookedfamiliar.Shedidn’tseemtolikemeanymorethanheroldersisterdid.Itriedtoavoidherstare,turningtotheothertwoguys.Onewasbrown-hairedwithglassesandveryhandsome,andtheotherwastheusualblond-hairedquarterbacktype.“ThisisJacksonandMark.”
“Hi,”Isaid,smiling.
“Soyou’reNicholasLeister’snewstepsister?”Jackson,theguywiththeglasses,asked.
“Theoneandonly,”Isaid.
“Youcan’timaginehowIenvyyou,”Sophiesaid.ShewasevidentlyhunguponNick,andIchastisedmyselfforwantingtotellherhe’dneverbehers.
AsJennaandtheguysfinishedtheircigarettes,thebellrang.
“Torturetime,”Marksaid,stubbingouthisandthrowinghisbackpacksmoothlyoverhisshoulder.“Seeyouinside,Noah,”hesaidwithasmile.
Aseveryoneelsewalkedin,Iwenttothesecretary’sofficetofindoutmyclassscheduleandgetthepapersIneeded.Thatwasinanotherbuilding,andasImademywayover,Ilookedallaround.Icouldn’thelpbutfeelsomeonewaswatchingme,andIhadastrangefeelinginmychestasIwentinside.
Thedayspedbywithoutincident.Jennawaspopularandintroducedmetotonsofpeopleasthehourspassed.IwounduphavingherinalmostallmyclassesexceptmathandSpanish.Mark,thehotguy,andSophiewereinthosetwo.Cassiewasinmostofmyclasses,too,andIrealizedshecouldn’tstandmeoverthecourseoftheday.Shetriedtomakemelookstupidwhenevershegotthechance.Shehadalotoffriends;apparentlyhersisterhadbeenalegendinthisschoolformillionaires,justlikeNick.Everyoneaskedmeabouthim,whathewasdoing,whatitwaslikelivingwithhim,andsoon.SomeofthemhadbeentherefortheraceandhadseenthefightI’dcaused,andtheyfeltthatwasreasonenoughtolookdownonme.Damnyou,NicholasLeister,wasthereanywhereyouwouldn’tscrewmylifeup?EveryonewasalsotalkingaboutthepartythatFridaytocelebratethestartofschoolandwelcomethenewkids.Ididn’tknowwhatitwouldbelike,really,butwheneveritcameup,everyonegavemeweirdlooks.
Whenitwastimetogohome,mymotherwasoutsidewaiting.Sheaskedmeabouteveryoneandeverything,butIwasexhausted,andIdidn’tsaymuchonthewayhome.AllIcoulddowasrest,andIwashappyIdidn’thavetoworkthatnightatthebar.IlaydownwhenIgothome,butsoonafamiliarvoicenearlymademejumpoutofbed.
“Wakeup,sleepyhead!”itsaid.IthadtobeJenna.
“Whatdoyouwant?”Iasked,openingmyeyesfromadeepsleep.
“JacksonandMarkhaveinvitedusover.Almostalltheseniorswillbethere…You’vegottocome.”Hersmilewasradiant.
“Jenna,it’saMonday.There’sschooltomorrow,”Iprotested,knowingtherewasnopoint.
“So?Thepartiesatthebeginningoftheyeararealwaysthebest…Seriously,Noah,doyouknowhowhardit’sgoingtobetomakeyoupopular?”
Ishookmyhead,sittingup.
“You’relikeaMartiansometimes,”shecomplained.“Comeon,takeashowerandI’llchooseyouroutfit.”
Shepulledmeoutofbed.AsItookmyhotshower,ItriedtoignoreherasbestIcould.
“Whatareyoudoinginthere?”sheshoutedfromtheothersideofthedoor.
Icameoutwrappedinatowelwithmyhairdripping.Jennacouldbeapainwhenshefeltlikeit.AsIdriedmyhairsittingatmydressingtable,Iopenedadrawertotakeoutmymakeupandsawthoseenvelopesagain.Thosedumbletterswereruiningeverythingforme;Icouldn’tgetthemoutofmyhead.Iwantedtotellsomeoneaboutthem,butIworriedthatwouldonlymakethingsworse.IwasmadatNick,butIdidn’twanthimgettingintoanotherfight,especiallyoverme,andIknewthatwasexactlywhatwouldhappenifItoldhimabouttheletters.Islammedthedrawershutandtoldmyselfagainitwasjustasickjoke.Ronniewasn’tstupidenoughtothreatenmeinaletter,andtherewerethousandsofgirlswhohatedmeforthesimplereasonthatIwasNick’snewstepsister.
Lookingatmyselfinthemirror,ItoldmyselfIdidneedadistraction,thattherewasnopointstayingthereandruminatingonaproblemitwasbesttoforget.Iputonmymakeup,andJennalefttodothesameatherplace.IfocusedonwhatIsawinthemirror.Ididn’twanttoleaveasecondfreeformyworries.Oncemymakeupwason,IspentanotherhalfhourfoolingwithmyhairandthentriedonalmostallthedressesMomhadboughtme,mostofthemstillonhangerswiththepricetagsattached.Ifinallychoseaswingskirtandatightblacktop.
JustwhenIwasabouttocallJennatoaskwhattimeshewaspickingmeup,Iheardscreamingoutsidemydoor.Stillbarefoot,highheelsinmyhand,Ilookedouttoseewhatwasgoingon.
TheshoutscamefrommymotherandWilliam’sroom.Iwalkedoutintothehalltohearbetter.Theywerearguing.
“Whatdidyouwantmetodo?”mymothershouted.Shenevershoutedunlessshewasfurious.IaskedmyselfwhatWilliammusthavedonetoputherinsuchamood.
“Youshouldhavetoldme!”Williamroared,evenangrierthanshe.“You’remywife,fortheloveofGod!Afterallthistime…howcouldyouhideathinglikethatfromme?”
Thereweremanythingsmymothermighthavehidden,butonlyonethatwoulddriveapersoncrazythatway.
“Icouldn’t!”shereplied.
AsIwaslisteningin,someonesqueezedmyhips,andIjumpedintheairanddroppedmyshoes.Turningaroundscared,Iscreamed:
“Whatareyoudoing?”
Nicklookedatmewithcuriosity.
“Ishouldbeaskingyouthesamething,”hereplied,notsubtleashelookedatmyclothing.Icouldn’thelpcheckingouthistorso,either,inthatwhiteshirtthatfithimsosnugly…Whatacontrastitmadewiththatjet-blackhair!
“Doyouknowwhythey’refighting?”Iaskedapprehensively.
Helookedbackandsaidasimpleno,pressinghishandsinthewalloneithersideofmyfaceandimprisoningmeagainstthewall.“Soareyoutalkingtomeagain?”hesaid,andIwatchedeverymovementofhislips.
Iwantedtopushhimaway,butIrefusedtotouchhim.IfIputasinglefingeronhisbody,myresolvewouldshatter.
“Howlongareyouplanningoncontinuinglikethis?”heasked,frustrated.
“UntilyouunderstandIdon’twantyouaroundme.”
Hegrinned,buthiseyeswerestilldesperate.
“You’redyingtokissme.”
Ifeltsick.Ihatedbeingthisnervous,hatedthatwhathadstartedbetweenushadendedupthisway.
“I’mdyingtokickyou,”Isaid.
Hesmiled,andIcrossedmyarmswithindignation.
“Yougoingout?”headded.
“Yeah.”
“WithJenna?”
“No,withyourdad,”Irepliedsarcastically.“DoIevenknowanyoneelse?”
Hishandslidfromthewalltothesideofmyface,andhelookedatmedifferently,sointenselyIcouldhardlystandit.
“Don’tmakethisharderthanitis,”Itoldhim.Asmuchasthedistancehurtme,Iwantedhimtokeepawayfromme.Icouldn’tforgetwhathadhappenedasmuchasIwantedto,andIcouldnolongertrusthim.
Hispainburneditselfintomyretinas.Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoing,denyingmyfeelingsforhim,butIwasscaredtogetclose,scaredtoopenmyheartagain,especiallytosomeonelikehim.Itwasbettertobealonesonoonecouldcontrolmeortellmewhattosay,ormakemesuffer.
ThatnightIwasgoingtoforgeteverything,theletter,mystalker,andNicholas.ThatnightIwasgoingtogetdrunkandletalcoholwashawayallmygrief34Nick
Iwasdeadasleepwhenmyphonebuzzed,wakingmeup.IrubbedmyfaceandgotamoveonwhenIsawitwasJenna.
“Youbetterhaveagoodreasonforwakingmeupatthreea.m.,”Igrunted,closingmyeyesandfallingbackintomymattress.
“Nick,Ineedyoutocome…Noah’sinbadshape,”shesaid.Igotup,suddenlytense,andturnedonthelight.
“Whatisit?Isshehurt?”Isaid,crossingtheroom,alreadylookingforsomethingtowear.
“She’sbeenthrowingupforlikehalfanhour.She’stotallyshit-faced.”
Icursedandgrabbedmykeys.
“Tellmetheaddress.”
Ittookmefifteenminutestogetthere.Theplacewaspacked,andIhadtoshovemywayin.Ilookedinthelivingroomandkitchen,andjustasIwasabouttograbmyphoneandcallJennabacktoaskwhereshewas,Isawherwalkingdownstairs.
“Wherethehellisshe?”Iasked.
Itwasn’tJenna’sfault,butweren’ttheysupposedtotakecareofeachother?NotonlywasJennafine,shewas100percentsober.
“Wetookhertotheupstairsbedroom,”shesaid,andIwentupthere,takingthestepstwoatatime.“Iknewshewasgoingtoofar,butshedidn’twanttolistentome,Nick.”IignoredherasIpassedthroughthedoorway.Onceinside,IkneeleddownnexttoNoah.Shewaspaleandsweaty,probablybecauseshe’dbeenvomitingsomuch.
“Howlonghasshebeenlikethis?”Iasked.Nooneresponded,soIturnedandyelledatJenna.“Howlong?”
“Shewasthrowingupformorethanhalfanhour,andfiveminutesago,shepassedout…ormaybeshe’sjustasleep…Idon’tknow,Nicholas,I’msorry,Itriedtogethertostop,but—”
“Dropit,Jenna,”Isaid,noticingLionwalkinginfromthecornerofmyeye.
ThegirlnexttoJennagavemeaseriouslook.
“I’mamedstudent.Relax.Herpulseisstable.Shejustoverdidit.Sheneedstosleep,Tomorrowshe’llhaveonehellofahangover,butshe’sfine.”
“Howcanyousayshe’sfine?”Ialmostshouted,holdingNoah’sunconsciousfaceinmyhands,feelinglikeanervouswreck.
“Shejustis.Takeherhomeandkeepaneyeonher,”thegirlsaid.
“I’msorry,Nick.Ineverthoughtthiscouldhappen,”Jennaconfessed.
“Honestly,Idon’tcarewhatyouhavetosayrightnow,”Irepliedcoldly,bendingoverandliftingNoahup.Iwasscaredwhenshebarelymadeasound,butherbreathingwasnormal.Herheadleanedonmyshoulder.Iblamedmyselfoncemoreforfailingtoprotecther.Itwasmyfaultshewasthisway,butsomethingdidn’taddup.AsIwalkeddownthestairs,Ikeptaskingmyselfwhatthehellhadhappenedtomakehergetdrunklikethat.
WhenIparkedathomeandturnedtolookatNoah,Icouldn’thelpbutfeelanawfulsenseofdéjàvu.ThesamenightI’dmetNoah,she’dendeduplikethis,butthatwasbecausesomeonehadputdrugsinherdrink.Thathadbeenmyfault,too,andrememberinghowI’dleftherinthemiddleoftheroadmademerealizewhatanassholeI’dbeentoherfromthemomentIlaideyesonher.Ididn’tdeserveher,butitwastoolatenow;Iwascaughtinhertrap.
Igotoutofthecarandliftedherfromthepassengersidecarefully.Shewasstilloutofit,andIhadtohurryinsideandgetherupstairs.Itwaslate,andIdidn’twantRaffaellatoseeherinthatmiserablestate.Withoutthinking,Iwentstraighttomyroom.Iwouldn’ttakemyeyesoffheruntilsheawakened.WhenIlaidheronmybed,Icouldn’thelpbutthinkhowI’dwishedtohaveherhereeversincethefirsttimeI’dseenherinhergorgeousdress.Butinstead,ithadtobelikethis.Itookoffhershoesandturnedonthesmalllamponmynightstand.Shehadn’tevennoticedthecompletedarknessthathadsurroundedus,andthatmademenearlypanic.Whatifshewasworsethanshelooked?ShouldItakehertothehospitaltohaveherexamined?Idecidednottobecauseshewasaminorandshecouldgetintroublefordrinking,especiallythatmuch
Herclothingwasstainedwithvomit,andherskinhadgoosebumps.Mymindfrozen,Itookoffherskirtandhertights.IgrabbedoneofmyT-shirts,butbeforeIcouldputitonher,Inoticedsomething:Noahhadalongscaruponesideofherstomach.Istaredatitinshock…Howcouldthathavehappenedtoher?Itwasn’tjustaneverydayscar;itwashuge,anditmusthaveneededdozensofstitches.IranafingeroverthesmoothsurfaceofthattearinthemostbeautifulbodyI’deverseen.Sleeping,Noahpushedmyhandaway.Wasthatwhyshehadn’twantedtowearabikini?Becauseofthescar?Finally,lotsoflittlemomentsthatwerepiledupinmyheadstartedtomakesense:thewayshealwaysworeaone-piece,thewayshefreakedoutifanyonesaidsomethingabouthergettingundressed,thewayshe’dbeensouncomfortableduringthatgameofTruthorDare…
IsawNoahwasathousandmilesawayfromme.TherewassomuchIdidn’tknowaboutherandsomuchIneededtoprotectherfrom.IpulledtheT-shirtoverherheadandcoveredherwithblankets.
Whathadhappenedtoher?WhowastherealNoahMorgan?
Withthosethoughtsinmyhead,Ilaydownnexttoher,pullingherintomychest,wantingtoprotectherfromeveryoneandeverything.Somethinghadhappenedtoher.Iwasgoingtofindoutwhat.35Noah
Itwashellishlyhot.Icouldn’tseeathing,andIfeltlikeIwaschoking.Inaninstant,Irealizedwhyitfeltlikeitwasahundreddegrees.Apairofarmswaswrappedaroundme,pullingmeintoawarm,burlybody.WhenIopenedmyeyes,IwasshockedtoseeNicholas,deepinsleep.
HowhadIgottenthere?WhatwasIdoinginbedwithhim?
IlookeddownandsawIwasdressedinaT-shirtthatwasn’tmineandthatwaseverybitasbigasanightshirt.
Icouldhardlybreathe.Someonehadtakenoffmyclothes.
Panicovertookme.IsatupasbestIcould,leaningintotheheadboard.Nicholasopenedhiseyeswhenhefeltmemove,gettingupandlookingatmecautiously.
“Areyouokay?”heasked.
“WhatthefuckamIdoinghere?”Iasked,hopingI’dbeensodrunkIcouldn’trememberchanginginsomebathroom.
“Jennacalledmetopickyouup.Youwerecompletelypassedout.”Helookedbedraggledandhadfallenasleepinhisclothes.
“Thenwhathappened?”
Heseemedtobeweighinghiswords.Myheartwasracing.
“Itookoffyourclothes—theyhadvomitalloverthem—andIputyouinbed.”
Igotupandwalkedtotheotherendoftheroom.Icouldn’tbelievewhathe’ddone.
“Howcouldyou?”Ishouted.Hecouldn’tknowaboutmyscar—hecouldn’t!ThatwouldopenthedoortoapastIcouldn’tandwouldn’tevergobackto.
Hestoodandwalkedoverwarily.
“Whyareyoubeingthisway?”Hewasclearlyangryandinpain.“Whateveritisthat’sbotheringyou,Idon’tcare,andI’llnevertellanyone.Noah,don’tlookatmelikethat.I’mworriedaboutyou.”
“No!”Ishrieked.“Youcan’tbeworriedaboutsomethingyoudon’tknowandneverwillknow!”
Ineededout,neededtobealone;thingsweren’tgoingthewayIwanted,nothingwas.Mystomachwasinknots,andIwantedtoburstintotears.
AsIturnedaround,Isawhim,lookingatonceconfusedandyetsomehowdecided.
“Don’tmakemetellyouagain,”Isaid.“Stayawayfromme.”
Inarage,hecamecloseandgrabbedme.Istoodstill,tryingtocontrolmybreathingandmyfear.
“Youbettergetthisthroughyourhead.I’mnotgoinganywhere.I’mhereforyou,andwhenyou’rereadytotellmewhatthehellhappenedtoyou,you’llrealizeyouweremakingaseriousmistaketryingtopushmeaway.”
Ishovedmywaypasthim.Thankfullyhedidn’tresist.
“You’rewrong.Idon’tneedyou,”Isaid,grabbingmythingsofftheground.
Islammedthedooronmywayout.
Iwantedtocry,crywithoutstopping,letoutalltheanguishthatwasbuildingupinsideme.Nicholashadseenmyscar.Nowheknewsomethinghadhappenedtome,somethingIdidn’twantanyonetoknow,somethingIwasashamedofandhaddecidedtoburydeepdown.
Withtremblinghands,ItookofftheT-shirtandgotintothehotshoweruntilmybodywarmedupbecauseIfeltfrozen,ice-cold,insideandout.WhenIemergedfromthebathroomandsawawhiteenvelopeonmybed,IthoughtI’dfaint.Notagain,notanotherletter,please,nottoday.
Igrabbedtheenvelope.Thiswasharassment;Ineededtotellsomeone.Itookoutthepaperinsideand,gettingholdofmyself,startedtoread:
Rememberwhatyoudidtome?I’llneverforgetthatmomentwhenyouruinedeverything.Absolutelyeverything.Ihateyou.IhateyouandIhateyourmother.Youthinkyou’reimportantjustbecauseyou’veshackedupwithamillionaire?You’rejustacoupleofwhoreswhohavesoldthemselvesformoney,butthatwon’tlast.I’llmakesureofthat,andwhenIdo,yourdaysoffancyschoolswithuniformswillgobye-bye.
A.P.A.
Thiswasgettingworseandworse.Ineededtotellmymother.ButIstoppedmyself.Willwasgivingmymotherenoughtodealwith.Yesterdaythey’dargued.ThelastthingIwantedwastoworryherandtellherIalreadyhadenemiesinthisnewcity.No,Icouldn’ttellheraboutRonnie,notwithoutgettingNicholasintotrouble.Thoseraceswereillegal,andifwewenttothepolice,we’dhavetotellthemeverything.Nicholaswastwenty-two;thatwasoldenoughforprison,andifRonniegotpickedup,hewouldn’thesitatetospillthebeansaboutNicholasandmyfriends.
IfIwasn’tcareful,thingscouldgosouth.
Iwasscaredtoleave.Ifeltoverwhelmedandsad,andallIwantedwastoforgetitall,justasIhadthenightbefore.Drinkinguntilyoupassedoutwasbad,andI’dwokenupwiththeworsthangoverofmylife,butithadbeenworthit.I’ddoneitbecauseIcouldn’thandleallmyproblems,allthedemonsinsideme.Nothingmadeanysense,everythingwasthreateningtodestroyme,andIjustneededaneasywayout.
Isatdownandlookedattheclock.Inforty-fiveminutes,Iwassupposedtoshowupformyseconddayofclass.Nothingcouldsoundmorepreposterousjustthen.Asifunderaspell,Iputonmyuniform,feelingbadorguilty.Thewordsofwhoeverhadwrittenthatletterwormedtheirwayinsideme.Itwastrue—Ididn’tdeservethislife.Itwasn’trightfullymine.
WhenIwentdownstairs,Nicholaswasinthekitchenwithhisfather,immersedinaconversation.TheystoppedtalkingwhenIcamein.
“Where’sMom?”Iasked,walkingovertotherefrigeratorandtakingoutthemilk.
“She’srestingstill.I’lltakeyoutoschooltodayifit’sallright,”Williamsaidwithatensesmile.Thedaybefore,mycarhadbeenmakingstrangenoises,andwehadtakenittoagarage.Williamlookedmoreseriousthannormal.Whateverhappenedyesterdaymusthaveleftmymotherinbadshapeifshedidn’twanttogetoutofbed.Inodded,makingamentalnotetofindoutwhatthehellhadhappenedbetweenthem.
Thankfully,Nicholashardlylookedatme.Ididn’twanttoseehisface.Notknowingwhatheknewaboutme.
Williamtookanothersipofhiscoffeeandturnedtome.
“Youready,Noah?”heasked.
“Assoonasyouknotmytie,Iwillbe.”Hesmiled.ItwasthefirsttimeI’deveraskedhimforanythingdirectly.Itwasstrange.Withoutrealizingit,I’dcometotrusthim,andIfeltcomfortableenoughthatIwasn’tafraidtoridealonewithhim.
Thedaypassedmercifullyquickly:Jennacouldn’tstopapologizingforlettingmedrinksomuch,evenifsheshouldn’thave.Itwasmyfault,myfaultalone.Moregirlswhodidn’tevenknowmecameuptoaskmewhatitwasliketolivewithNicholasLeister.IguessI’dturnedintothetalkoftheschool,andeveryoneeitherwantedtocriticizemeorbemyfriend.JennatoldmethatwasthepriceofpopularityandI’dbettergetusedtoit,butIjustwantedtocrawlunderarockandhide.Especiallybecauseofthehaterswhocouldn’tstandthatIgottohangoutwithhimwheneverIwanted,andoneofthosewasCassie,Anna’ssister.Ididn’tknowwhatshewasupto,buteverytimewelookedateachother,she’dstartwhisperingtowhoeverwasnexttoherandlaughing.Itwaschildish,andIwasn’tinthemoodforchildishnonsense.IignoredherandhergroupiesandspentthedaywithJennaandherfriends.Surprisingly,Ilikedthem.Theyweremakingplansforpartiesandallkindsofotherstuff.
Onthewayout,Ididn’tseemymother’scarwaitingforme,butasmorepeopleleft,Ididseesomeonecrouchingbehindatreeandleering.
Ronnie.
Adrenalinefloodedmybody.Ifhewastheonewritingtheletters,Iwasscrewed.HesmiledwhenherealizedI’dseenhimandmotionedformetocomeover.Hewassomewaysoff,butifhetriedanything,he’deasilybeseen.TherewerestillenoughstudentsaroundthatIdidn’tfeelcompletelyvulnerable.ButwherethehellwasMom?
ItoldmyselfIshouldjusttrytogetitoverwith,andIwalkedoverasresolutelyasIcould.WhenIwascloseenough,Ilookedathisnearlyshavedheadandthedozensoftattoosonhisarmsandneck.
“What?”Iasked,cuttingtothechaseandtryingtoconvincehimhehadn’tgottentome.
Helaughed.
“Notsofast,sugar.Youknowyoulooksexyinthatnaughtyschoolgirluniform.You’reabadlittlerichgirl,I’dlovetotakeitoffandspankyou,”hesaid,comingoutfrombehindthetreeandstandingupstraight.
“You’regross,andifthat’sallyouhavetosay…”Iturnedaroundtowalkoff,butheheldmeback.
“Youthinkyoucanjusthumiliatemethewayyoudidandcomeoutsmellinglikeroses?”hewhisperedintomyear.Itriedtogetawayfromhimbutcouldn’t,andapartofmewantedtolistenanywaytofigureoutifhewastheonesendingtheletters.
Withalltheself-controlIcouldmuster,Itoldhim,“You’reasoreloser,andifIwereyou,I’dfindanewhobby.”
“You’reafriskyone,”hereplied.“Icoulduseagirllikeyou,butifyouopenyourmouthtospitsomemoreofthatbullshit,Ipromiseyou,I’ll—”
“You’llwhat?”Iasked,motioningbehindmetobesureheknewdoinganythingtometherewouldbeastupididea.
Thinkingitover,herespondedpensively,“I’lldoitall,baby,youcanbelievethat.Justgivemealittletime.Anyway,Igotsomethingforyou,somethingI’llbetyoudidn’texpect.”
ThenIsawit:theletter.Itwashim.Ronniewastheonethreateningme.
“Yoursickjokeisn’tasscaryasitwasbefore,”Isaid,tryingtokeepacoolhead.“What’stokeepmefromreportingyouforstalking?”
Heseemedtofindthatfunny.
“I’mjustthemessenger,sugar,”hesaid,strokingmyfacewiththeenvelope.“SeemsI’mnottheonlyonewhowantstogethishandsonyou.”
Ididn’tgetit.Ifhewasn’twritingtheletters,whothehellwas?
JustasIreachedouttograbit,acarpulledup.
“Getawayfromher!”Nicholasshouted.Hejumpedoutandraninfrontofme
Ronniedidn’tseemtocare.Actuallyhesmiled,asifthiswaswhathe’dwantedallalong.IputtheletterintomybagbeforeNicholascouldseeit.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere?”heshouted.Hewasclearlyonedge.
Ronniestaredatus.
“IseeIwasright…You’retryingtogetbetweenthoselegstoo,aren’tyou,Nick?”
NicksteppedforwardwhileIgrabbedhisarm,tryingtoholdhimback.
“Don’tdoit,”Isaid.NickfightingthatdirtbagagainwasthelastthingIwanted.
“Listentoyourlittlesister,Nick.Youdon’twanttogetintoitwithme.Nothere.”
ButNickwasn’tscared.Hesteppedforwardagain,tellinghim,“MakesureIdon’tseeyounearheragainorIsweartoGodit’llbethelasttimeyoueverseethelightofday.”
Ronniesmiled,winkedatme,andgotintohiscar.Oncehe’ddisappeared,Ibrokedown,shakingallover.
Nickclutchedmyface.
“Pleasetellmehedidn’tdoanythingtoyou.”
Ishookmyhead,tryingtokeepmyemotionsinside.Icouldn’tappearweak,notinfrontofhim.
“I’mfine,”Isaid.“Justtakemehome.”
Inthecar,Imanagedtorelax.Ituckedmyhandsundermythighstoconcealmytremors.Butstill,Icouldn’tstopthinkingaboutopeningthatletter.ItoldmyselfIwouldn’treadit,thatwhateverwaswrittentherecouldonlymakethingsworse.
“Whatdidhesay,Noah?”Nickaskedafteramoment’ssilence.Ididn’treallyknowwhattosay.
“Hethreatenedme,”Ireplied.Vaguebutsincere.
Hegrippedthewheeltighter.
“How,exactly?”
Ishookmyhead.
“Itdoesn’tmatter.Whatdoesmatterishewantsrevengefortherace.”
“Hewon’tlayafingeronyou.”
Iwasthankfulforhispreoccupation,butitwasn’tnecessary.Iknewhowtotakecareofmyself.
“Ofcoursehewon’t,”Iagreed…butwasthatthetruth?
Backathome,Williamwasinthelivingroomwithagroupoflawyers,andwhenhesawmeenter,heshutthedoorwithoutevengreetingme.Itwasstrange,butIwasmoreconcernedwithmymotherthen.
Shelookedtiredandhadbagsunderhereyes.Shehuggedmewhenshesawme.Whatevertheywerefightingabout,itwasclearlyworsethanIimagined.
“Areyouokay,Mom?”Iaskedwhensheletmego.
“Ofcourse,”shereplied,hardlyconvincing.
“IseverythingallrightbetweenyouandWill?Youcantellme,”Isaid,tryingtogetsomethingoutofher.SheshookherheadandgavemethefakestsmileI’dseeninalongtime.
“Everythingisabsolutelysuper,honey.Don’tworry.”
Inodded,butIcouldn’tstaytheretryingtogetinformationoutofher.IneededtoreadtheletterRonniehadgivenme.
Iwenttomyroomandtookitoutofmybagwithmynervesfeelingraw.
Thelettercontainedjustonesentence.
Youstoleeverythingfrommeandnowyou’llfacetheconsequences.
P.A.P.A.
Theletterfelloutofmyhand.Andthememoriesreturned.
Theschoolbushadjustdroppedmeoffinfrontofmydoor.Iwasonlyeight.Ihadadrawinginmyhand.I’dwonaprize.Myfirstprize.Iwantedtotellmyparents.Iwasrunningwithasmileonmyface,andthenIsaw.
Mymotherwasonthefloorsurroundedbybrokenglass.He’dbrokenthetableinthelivingroomagain.Bloodwaspouringoutofherleftcheek,herlipwassplit,andshehadablackeye.Butshegotupasbestshecouldwhenshesawme
“Hey,honey!”shesaidintears.
“Wereyoubadagain,Mom?”Iasked,steppingnervouslytowardher.
Shenodded,andthenabigstrongmanwalkedthroughthedoor.
“Gogetwashedup.I’lltakecareofher,”myfathersaid.Mymotherlookedatusforamomentandthenvanishedbehindherbedroomdoor.
Iturnedtohim,stillholdingmypicture.
“Whatdidmypreciouslittlegirldo?”
Iwashyperventilatingasthememoriesfloodedin.Isatbythebedandhuggedmyknees.Thiscouldn’tbehappening.
IwashelpingMomcook,butshewasanxious.Thingsweren’tgoingwellthatday.She’dburnedthebread;thepastahadgottenstucktothepot.Sheknewwhatwasgoingtohappen,sheknew,andshecouldfeelthefearinherbody.Iwasjustakid,butIunderstoodthatifyoumessedupthewaymymomwasmessingup,you’dgetintrouble.
“Whatthehellisthisshit?”hesaidandgotup,overturningthetablebrusquely.Theplatesandglassescrashedtothefloor.Itookoffrunningandcoveredmyearswithmyhandsandhummedasong,thesamewayIalwaysdidwhenthathappened.ThatwaswhatMomtoldmeIshoulddo,andIdidn’twanttodisobeyher.
Buteventhen,Icouldstillhearthescreamsandthekicksandpunches.
Ifeltthetearsstreamdownmyface.Ihadgonesolongwithoutremembering.
Papasmelledbad.Thatdaywasgoingtobeanawfulone.WheneverPapasmelledbadlikethat,itwasalwaysabadsign.Theshoutingstartedsoonafterward,andIheardsomethingbreak.Irantomyroomandlockedthedoor.Igotundertheblanketsandturnedoffthelight.Thedarknesswouldprotectme.Thedarknesswasmyfriend…
SuddenlyIcamebacktoreality.Thiscouldn’tbehappeningagain.Ifeltasuddenurgetovomit,rantothebathroom,andexpelledeverythingI’deatenthatday.Ileanedagainstthesinkandtuckedmyhandsbetweenmyknees.Ihadtoregainmycomposuresomehow.Myfatherwasinjail.Myfatherwasinjail…Hecouldn’thurtme,hewaslockedup,inanothercountry,thousandsofmilesaway.Butifso,whocouldbedoingthis?
Nooneknewmypast,absolutelynoone,justmymother,thesocialworker,andthecourtthathadputmyfatheraway.Ineededadistraction.One,atleast.
Ipickedupthephone.
“Jenna?”Isaidasecondlater.“Ineedyourhelp.”36Nick
Somethingwasgoingon.Noahwasactingdifferent,strange.Sincewe’dreturnedfromherschool,shehadn’tcomedownfromherroom.Iknewshewasn’twell,andIwantedtoseeher.SinceI’dseenthatscar,alarmshadstartedgoingoff.Somethinghadhappenedtoheralongtimeago,andsomethingwashappeningnowtomakeheractlikethis.Gettingdrunkuntilshepassedout…Thatwasn’tNoah,nottheNoahIknew,nottheoneI’dfalleninlovewith.
Shehardlyspoketome.I’dhurther,andIdeservedtobepushedaway,butIcouldn’tletanythingbadhappentoher.IneededtoprotectherfromthatsonofabitchRonnie,evenifthatmeantfollowingheraroundorwatchingherinsecret.
Myphonerang.Ipickedupandtalkedtomysister.Icouldn’tbethereforherfirstdayofschool,andthatbrokemyheart,butIalsocouldn’tleaveNoahalone.Ifeltguilty,butsomethingtoldmeIneededtobetherewithher.ItoldmysisterIwouldvisitassoonasIcouldandwishedheragreatdayatschool.IimaginedherinherlittleuniformandherCarsbackpack,andIwasfilledwithremorse.
Thedayspassed,andonThursday,somethingknockedmeback:IwentuptomyroomafteranexhaustingdayatcollegeandheardlaughterandnoisecomingfromNoah’sroom.Ithrewthedooropenandfoundherwithtwoguysandthreegirls.Theroomwassmoky,andthedenseodorwasunmistakablymarijuana.JennawastherewiththatdumbassfriendofhersNoahhadkissedwhenthey’dplayedspinthebottle.Sophiewasthere,too,inheruniformskirtandaredbra.
“Whatthehellisgoingonhere?”IshoutedwhenIsawthespectacle.AtleastNoahwasfullydressed,butshehadalittlewhitejointsmokingrightbetweenherfingers.
“Nicholas,getout!”sheshouted,standingup.
Iwantedtoshakeherandkickeverysingleoneofthemoutofthere,butinstead,Ijuststeppedforwardandtookthejointoutofherhand.
“Whatareyoudoingsmokingthisshit?”
Shestoodstillforamomentandthenshruggedindifferently.Hereyeswerered,herpupilsdilated.Shewasblazed.
“Everybodyout!”Ishouted.
Thegirlsjumpedandran,whilethetwoguystriedtobowup.
“What’swithyou,dude?We’rejusthavingfun,”oneofthemsaid,tryingtogetinmyface.Withonelook,heturnedmeekandsaid,“Okay,takeiteasy,bro,”beforegatheringhisthings.
Noahrestedherhandsonherhips,defiant.
“Leavemealone!”shesaid,tryingtogetaroundmeandthroughthedoor.Igrabbedherbythearmsandforcedhertolookatme.
“Youwanttotellmewhatthehell’sgoingonwithyou?”Iasked,furious.
Shelookedback,andIcouldseehereyeswerehidingsomethingdark,andyetshesmiledatmejoylessly.
“Thisisyourworld,Nicholas,”sherepliedcalmly.“I’mlivingyourlife,hangingoutwithyourfriends,andfeelinglikeIdon’thaveacareintheworld.That’showyouare,andthat’showI’msupposedtobe,too,”shesaidandsteppedback,pullingawayfromme.
Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwashearing.
“You’reoutofcontrol,”Ihissedather.Ididn’tlikewhatmyeyeswereseeing;Ididn’tlikewhothegirlIwasinlovewithwasturninginto.ButwhenIthoughtaboutit,whatshewasdoingandhowshewasdoingitwerethesamethingsIhaddonebeforeImether.Iwastheonewho’dgottenherintoallthis.Itwasmyfault.Itwasmyfaultshewasdestroyingherself.
Inaway,we’dswitchedroles.ShehadshownupanddraggedmeoutoftheblackholeI’dfalleninto,butindoingso,she’dwounduptakingmyplace.
“Forthefirsttimeinmylife,IfeellikeI’mincontrol,andIlikeit,soleavemebe,”shesaid,shovingmeandwalkingoutthedoor.
IstayedwhereIwas.WhatcouldIdo?Noahwashidingsomething,andshewasn’tgoingtotellmewhat.I’dlosthertrustalongtimeago,andtogetitback,Iwasgoingtohavetoplayhergame.Iwantedtoprotecther,wantedtokeepherawayfromwhereshewasgoing,buthowcouldIifshebarelywantedtobeinthesameroomasme?
LovingthatgirlwasgoingtoputanendtothelastbitofpatienceIhad.
Thatnight,myfatherandRaffaellaleftforameetingandspentthenightintheHiltondowntown.IstayedhomekeepingmyeyeonNoahandmakingsureshedidn’tgetintoanymoretrouble.Ididn’treallyknowwhenI’dturnedintoherbodyguard,butsomethingaboutherkeptmefromleavingheralone.Icouldhardlybeunderthesameroofasherwithoutwantingtogetclosetoherandwrapherinmyarms.
Iwasworriedaboutthechangeinherbehaviorandespeciallyaboutthepossibilitythatshemightstartactinglikethepeoplearoundme.Herfreshness,hernaturalinnocence,hadmademerealizethatoutsidetheworldIlivedin,therewasmuchthatIdidn’tknow,andseeingNoahtransformintosomeonelikemekilledmeinside.
ItwasaftermidnightwhenIheardthefrontdooropen.NoahhadgoneoutwithJenna.Ididn’tknowwhere,andbythetimeI’daskedher,shehadalreadybeenpeelingoutinLion’sgirlfriend’sconvertible.NowIwalkedtothedoortoseeher.Shewasdrunkagain.Shedidn’tevennoticeIwasthere.Shewasbarefoot,shoesinonehand,purseintheother.
“Whereareyoucomingfrom?”Iasked.Shewasstartledandscowledatme.
“Whatareyoudoingthere?Youscaredme!”sheresponded,tryingtokeepherbalance.Afterwatchinghernearlyfallover,Ipickedherup,despiteherprotests,andtookhertothebathroom,restingheronthecounterwhileIturnedontheshower.
“You’vegotareallyweirdwayoftryingtogetmeintobed,youknow?”shesaid.Butatleastshewasn’tscreamingortryingtogetaway.HereyeswereglassyasItookoffhercoat.Herhairwasmessy,hercheekswerepink,andherlipslookedfleshierthannormal.Evendrunk,sheattractedme,andIhadtokeepacoolheadtoavoidtakingherofftothebedroomthewayIhadthelasttimeshewaslikethis.Iwasangry,though,andherattitudeworriedme.
“WhenIfinallydosleepwithyou,weirdisthelastthingitwillbe,”IsatcuttinglyasItookoffherblouseandstaredasecondatherblack-lacebra.
“NowIdon’tcarewhatyoudo.Yousawmyscar,anditdidn’tgrossyouout,didn’tevenseemtoscareyoulikeitdoesme.Itbringsupalotofbadmemories,youknow?”Istoppedundressingher.Icouldn’tstandtoseehernaked;herbodyhadtoostronganeffectonme.IhatedthatIcouldn’tstopobsessingoverhowgoodshelookedevenwhenshewastalkingaboutsomethingsoserious.Whenpeopleweredrunk,theytoldthetruth.Ineededtotakeadvantageofthesituation.
“Noah,whatareyouscaredof?”Iasked.
Afterafewseconds,shereplied,hervoicewavering:
“Rightnow,I’mscaredofyou.”
Istoodverystillandtriednottomakeasound.Shewastrembling,andIknewitwasbecauseIwastouchingher.Shewantedme,Iwasn’ttoostupidtoseethat,butIalsoknewshehadfeelingsforme,howevermuchsherefusedtoacceptthem.
Herlipswereaninchawayfrommine,andthatlowerlipofherswasbeggingforsomeonetokissit,tonibbleit.ButIwouldn’t.Notwhenshewasinthisstate.
Iliftedherupandsetherdirectlyunderthecoldwateroftheshower.Shescreamedwhenthewaterhitherskin,butshewastoodrunktoevenputupafight.Shestayedthere,freezing,silentunderthewaterasitcascadedoverhernearlynakedbody.
“Thisiswhatyougetforactinglikeanidiot,”Isaid.Iwantedtogetin,too.Icoulduseit…
Onceshewasmoreorlessclearheaded,Iwrappedherinatowelandaccompaniedhertothebedroom.Icouldtellshewasembarrassedaboutherbehavior.Or,atleast,Ihopedshewas.
“Youalittlebetter?”Iaskedwhensheleanedbackagainstthepillowsandlookedupatme.
“Whyareyoudoingthis?Whyareyoumakingitsohardformetohateyou?”
“Whydoyouwanttohateme?”
“BecauseifIletsomeonehurtmeagain,Idon’tthinkI’llbeabletogetoverit,”shesaid.
“Iwon’thurtyou,”Itoldher,andknewIwaspromisingmyselfthataswell.
Beforeturningoverandfallingasleep,shemadearemarkthatcutmelikeaknife:
“Youalreadyhave.”37Noah
Nomoreletterscame,butthatlastonewassearedindeliblyinmymind.ThewordPapahadcausedthosechildhoodmemoriesI’dtriedtohidefromtoreemerge.He’dbeenoutofmylifeforsixyears;Ihadn’tevenheardhisname.Asthedays,weeks,months,andyearshadpassed,mymindhadgrownakindofshellthathadprotectedmefromthepainofrememberingfeelingsorsituationsfromthatstageofmylife.AndIdidn’twanttogobackthere.Therewereabeforeandanafter.Formymother,too.Butnoweverythingwasback.
JustrememberingwhathadhappenedinthosedaysfrightenedmesodeeplythatIcouldn’tignoreit,andthatwaswhyIstayedoutpartying,drinking,doinganythingIcouldtoescape.Icouldn’tdealwithitjustthen.Iwasn’tstrongenough,notyet.Iwasstillagirl;notenoughtimehadpassed.Ineededtokeepthatdarknessburiedinmymind,andifthatmeantactinglikeanidiot,sobeit.IknewwhatIwasdoing,andthenumbingeffectsofalcoholweretheonlythingsthatcouldstillmyheartandmind.
Anyway,mynewfriendsdidn’tseeanythingstrangeaboutgettingdrunkalmosteveryday,soIcoulddowhatIwantedwithoutmucheffort.TheonlyobstaclewasNick.
Sincewe’dcomebackfromthatstupidtrip,he’dbeenactinglikearealolderbrother.HechewedmeoutifIdranktoomuch,hetookcareofmewhenIwasdrunk,heevenputmeintheshowertohelpmesoberup.Itwasridiculousandalsoconfusing.Ididn’twanthimtoworryaboutme.Ineededtofacethingsonmyownandinmyway.Whenwewerefinallyfreeofmyfather,I’dseenmymomgetdrunkthatway.Ifithadhelpedher,whyshouldIabstain?
AllthiswasinmyheadthatdayasIwenttoschool.Ibarelypaidattentiontomyteachers.Ihadn’teveneatensincethenightbefore.Mystomachrefusedallnourishment,mymindwasdead,andallthiswastheonlywaytokeepmydemonsatbay.
Jennatookmehomethatday.MymotherwasgonewithWilliamagainandwouldn’tbehomeforacoupleofdays.Ididn’tknowwheretheyhadgone,andIdidn’tcare.Acoupleoftimes,Irememberedmyfather’sthreats,andIgotsoscaredIcouldhardlybreathe.Buthewasfaraway,injail,andcouldn’tgethishandsonus.Still,though…howwasRonniegettingtheletters?
Idroppedmybagonthesofaandwenttothekitchen.NicholaswastherewithLion.TheylookedupassoonasIentered.
“Hey,Noah,”Lionsaidwithatensesmile.Nickwatchedmebutdidn’tmove
“Hey,yourgirlfriendjustleft,”Isaid,walkingovertotherefrigeratorandtakingoutahandfulofgrapes.OnthetablewerethecrustsofwhatIsupposedweregrilledcheesesandwiches.Thorhurriedover,wagginghistail.
“Beatit,Thor,”Nicksaid.
“Don’tbeajerk,Nicholas.He’snotbotheringme,”Iresponded.Glowering,hegrabbedthedogbyhiscollaranddraggedhimaway.
“He’sbotheringme.”
Lionlaughed.
“Youcouldcutthetensioninherewithaknife,”hesaid,standingup.Iputagrapeinmymouth.“Ishouldwarnyou,Noah,todayisinitiationday…Watchout.”
“What’sthat?”Iaskeddistractedly.
Nickseemedirritatedathisremark,butLionwenton:“Today’stheFridayofthefirstweekofclass.It’swhentheywelcomeinthenewbies.Andyou’reoneofthem.Jennawouldkillmefortellingyou,butIfeelbadforyou.”
“She’snotgoingtothatbullshit,sothere’snothingtoworryabout,”Nicholassaid.
“Idon’treallyfollow,butifthere’sapartytonight,then,yeah,Nick,Iamgoing,”Isaid.
Heshookhishead.“Yourmothertoldmeyoucan’tgoouttonight.Shesaysshedoesn’twantyouawaywhenshe’snothere.SoI’mjustfollowingorders.”
Ilaughedsarcastically.
“SincewhendoIpayattentiontowhatyousay?”Iasked,eatinganothergrape.Theyweredelicious.
“SinceIstartedstayingheretokeepmyeyeonyou.You’renotgoinganywhere,sodon’tbotherarguing.”Thiswassurreal.SincewhendidIhavetodowhatNicholasLeistersaid?
“Listenup,Nicholas.IdowhatIwantwhenIwant,soyoucandropthebodyguardactbecausethere’snowayI’mstayinginonaFridaynight.”
Igotuptoleave.Lionwaschuckling.
“Thisislikewatchingatennismatch,”hesaid,butheturnedmeekwhenNicholasgavehimapiercingstare.
Iwalkedpastthemtomyroom.Ineededtodecidewhattowear.
Jennacalledmearoundseven.TheinitiationpartywasatraditionatSt.Marie’s,andfunnyenough,ittookplaceoncampus.Wehadtosneakin.Itwassupposedtobethewildestpartyever.Thefreshmentookcareofthefoodanddrinksandthencleanedupafterward,andtheydidsuchagoodjob,noonehadeverbeencaught.SinceIwasanewsenior,Iwasjustthereforthefunpart.JennatoldmeIshouldwearsomethingcomfortable,soIchoseblackjeans,asleevelessT-shirt,andsandals,andIleftmyhairdown.Ineededalmostnotimetogetready,soIstillhadahalfhourleftbeforeshe’dpickmeup.
Iwasabouttoheaddownstairstograbdinner,butIranintoNickevenbeforeIhitthesteps.Heseemedtobelurkingoutsidemybedroom.
“Goingsomewhere?”heasked.Iwantedtohatehim,hatehimandmakehislifeimpossible,andIwasdeterminedtotrytodoitevenasanotherpartofmewantedtodropeverythingandkisshimthenandthere.
“Areyouplanningonstalkingmeallnight?”Iasked.Hehurriedaheadofmeandturnedandfacedmeonthebottomstair.
“Nicholas,forgetme,please.”
Istartedtomakeasandwichinthekitchen.I’dbedrinkingthatnight,andIneededsomethingsolidinmystomach.ButasIwascuttingthebread,apairofhandsgrabbedmefrombehind,andabodypushedmeintothecounter.FeelinghimthatwayaftersolongmademedroptheknifeIwasholding.Despitemybestefforts,IshiveredwhenIfelthislipsonmybareshoulder.
“Letmego,Nicholas.”Mybodywantedthatcontact,butmymindshoutedDanger!Danger!
Buthekeptkissingme,myear,myneck.Hepushedmyhairaside,andthatsimpletouchmademeclosemyeyeswithpleasure.
“I’mtiredofplayingthisstupidgame,”hesaid,onehandagainstmystomach.“Iwasn’tlyingwhenIsaidthatwhathappenedintheBahamaswouldneverhappenagain.I’mhereforyouifandwhenyouneedme,Noah…Youwantme,andIwantyou…”
Asheattackedmyneckagain,Ilostthethreadofmythoughts.Ididwanthim,andashekissedme,allthosethoughtsaboutmyfather,aboutmypast,dissolved.NicholasLeisterwasatleastasdistractingasalcohol,probablymoreso.
Istretchedmyarmbackandranmyhandthroughhishair,pullinghisheadtowardmythroat.Heputhishandsaroundmywaistandturnedmearoundswiftly.
“Youwantmetokissyou?”heasked.
Whatkindofstupidquestionwasthat?
“Stayhomeandwe’lldomorethanthat,Ipromise,”hesaid,hislipsapproachingmine.
“Areyoubribingme?”Iaskedhim,baffledandmaybealittleresentful.Hehadbeenkindwithmerecently,andhe’dresistedfightingwithRonniewhenhe’dgivenmethelastletter.ButIstilldidn’tknowifIwasreadytoforgivehim.
“That’sanuglyword.Iprefertheterm‘seduction.’”
Ilethimkissme.Thefeelingwasmarvelousbutdizzying.Everytimewetouchedeachother,Ifeltamilliondifferentsensations,andthistimewasnodifferent.Butsomethinghadchanged.Hewaskissingmewithdesperation.Thatfrightenedme,butwhenIfeltthepressureofhistongue,Icouldn’thelpbutrespondthesameway.
“Youstaying?”heaskedthen,standingback.
Wewerebothstrugglingtobreathenormally.
Ipressedmyhandsintohischest.
“I’mgoing,Nicholas.Butthanksfordistractingme.”
AndIleft.
Whenwereachedtheschool,wehadtoturnofftheradioinJenna’sconvertibleandsneakin.Thepartywasintheback,inthefitnesscomplex,wherethepoolwas.Fromthere,noonewouldhearthemusic.Itwasthrillingtoscurryunderthefencewiththeotherkidswhowerearrivingatthesametime.Thedarknesswasn’ttotal—therewerelamppostsspreadaround—sowedidn’tworryabouttrippingorfallingaswecrossedthegreen.Whenweentered,wesawthepoolitself,aweightroom,therisers.Mostofthekidsfromthehighschoolwerethere,andeveryonehadaplasticcupinhand.Lotsofthemwereswimming.Themusicwasdeafening.IturnedtoJennaandlaughed.
“Nowthisisaparty.”
Asthenightwenton,weirdthingsstartedhappeningthatIdidn’tlikeatall.Theinitiationsforthenewarrivalswerereallycruel.Theytiedonegirl’shandsandfeetandthrewherintothepool.Thepoorthingthrashedaroundandtriedtostayafloatforagesuntilsomekidfinallydoveinandsavedherfromdrowning.AsIsawhercrying,IrealizedthispartywasdifferentfromwhatI’dimagined.Thereweremanymorepranksofthiskind.Theystrippedthiskidwithafacefullofzitsdowntohisunderwearandlaughedathim.Theymadesomeoneelseeatthisgrossplateofmashed-upsomethingorotherandheranoffandthrewup.
Whatthehellwasupwiththesepeople?
Thescenedidn’tseemtobegettinganymorepleasant,soIdecidedtogo.Unlikeme,Jennawashavingablast,butthen,shedidn’tevenknowwhatwasgoingon;Lionhadtakenheroffsomewheretomakeout.SothatmeantIwasaloneandsurroundedbyidiots.IgrabbedmyphoneandsentNickatext.
Yousaidbeforeyou’dbehereifIneededyou…Canyoucomepickmeup?
Aminutelater,Ihadmyanswer:
I’llbewaitingforyouinthebackparkinglot.
Hemusthavealreadyknownwherethepartywas,andItoldmyselfthatifIfoundoutNicholashadpulledthosesamekindsofpranksinthepast,Ireallywouldneedtostayawayfromhim.Ididn’tlikethevibethereatall,andIwantedtogo.
Atthedoortothegym,fourdickheadsplusCassieandherlittlegirlfriendskeptmefromgoingoutside.Iwonderedwhatthehelltheywanted.
“Letmethrough,”Isaid.
Cassiesmiled.
“You’reanewbie,too,”shesaid.
Ohno.
“You’vegottopassyourinitiation,Noah,justlikeeveryoneelse,”oneofthebigguyssaid.
“Don’tyoudareputonefingeronme,”Isaid,feelingthepanicinvademe.Bythen,theotherguyshadalreadysurroundedme,blockingmypath.
“Alittlebirdtoldussomeone’sscaredofthedark,”Cassiesaidinavoicethatremindedmetoomuchofhersister.Hadshebeentheonetocomeupwiththisidea?“You’reabiggirlnow,though,soit’shightimeyougotoveryourfears.”
Myheartstopped.Wasshesuggesting…
Mynightmarescametruewhentwoguysthreetimesbiggerthanmegrabbedmefrombehind.
“Letmego!”Ishriekedaspanicfloodedmybody.“Letmego!”Irepeatedastheycarriedmeofftoaclosetwheretheykeptswimmingequipment.
“It’lljustbeforabit,”oneoftheguyssaidasIshookallovertryingtogetfree.
“Please.No!”Iscreeched.Everyonebehindmelaughedandlaughed.
Momhadleft.PapaandIwouldbealonethatnight.Iknewthingswouldturnoutbad.Hestank;hesmelledlikethatbottleIspilledthattimewithoutmeaningto.IwasscaredMomwasgonebecauseifMomwasn’tthere,he’dgetmadatme.Heneverhurtme,buthe’dthreatenedtomanytimes.
Whenhegothome,dinnerwasonthetable.Momhadmadeit,andIhadtoheatitup…Whenhebroughthisforktohismouth,Iknewsomethingwaswrong.Hisfacetransformed,hiseyesnarrowed,andheoverturnedthetable,scatteringalltheplatesandglassesonthefloorandmakingahugemess.Icrawledtoacornerandcurledupinaball.Iwasscared;nowwaswhentheshoutingandbeatingandbloodcame…ButMomwasn’tthere,sowhatwouldhappenthistime?
“Ella!”heshouted.“Whatisthisshit?”
Icurledupmore,rememberingsuddenlythatIhadn’tputthesauceonthemeatandpotatoes.Imusthaveleftitintherefrigerator…I’dforgotten,andnowPapawasmad.
“Wherethefuckareyou?”heshoutedasfeargrippedmyentirebody.Whenhestartedbreakingthingsandshouting,Iwassupposedtogotomyroom.Irantowardit,andbeforeIcouldstopmyself,Islammedthedoorshut.Icreptunderthecovers.
Papakeptshouting.Hewasangrierwitheverysecondthatpassed.Iguesshedidn’trememberMomwasawaythatnight;she’dgoneinatherjob,andhewassupposedtotakecareofmetillshegotback.AsIheardthedoorsslaminsuccession,Iknewhewasgettingclosertomyroom.IcurledupeventighterasIheardthecreakofthedooropening.
“Hereyouare…You’replayinginthedarktoday,huh?”38Nick
WhenIgottotheschool,Icouldsensesomethingwasup.Idon’tknowifitwasinstinctorthelittlevoiceinmyhead,butIgotoutandwalkedstraightforthefences.Therewerelotsofkidsstandingaroundoutsidethefitnesscomplex,soIheadedinthatdirection.People’seyeswerewideastheysawmeshowup.Somepeoplewereelbowingeachotherandpointing.JennaandLionwerewalkingdownthestandsaroundthetrackheadedtowardthepool.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Lionaskedme.
“HaveyouseenNoah?”Iasked.Ihadabadfeeling.
Jennashrugged.
“Ileftherinsidefifteenminutesago.”
Iturnedaroundandwalkedoffwiththetwoofthemclosebehind.
Despitethesurpriseofthosewhosawmeinside,theonlythingsthatpenetratedmyawarenesswerethescreamscomingfromthebackoftheroom.Theywerebloodcurdling.Iwassoterrified,Ilostcontrolofmyself.
“Whereisshe?”Ishouted,followinghervoicetothedoorofacloset.Shewasinside.They’dlockedherin,andshewascryingandpoundingonthedoortryingtogetout.
“Letmeoutofhere!”
Tryingtokeepcalm,Ipulledonthedoor,butitwouldn’tgive,andIturnedaround,angrierthanI’deverbeeninmylife.
“Whothefuckhasthefuckingkey?”
EveryonearoundmelookedcluelessasNoahwentonshrieking.
Terrified,Cassiesuddenlyshowedupandreachedherhandoutwiththekey.Isnatcheditawaysoquickly,italmostcutherfingers.
“Itwasjusta—”
“Shutup,”Isaid,unlockingthedoor.
IonlymanagedtoseeNoahforasecondbeforeshethrewherarmsaroundmeandburiedherfaceinmycollarbone,sobbingandtwitchingfromterror.
Noahwascrying…crying.SinceImether,I’dneverseenhershedasingletear,notwhenherboyfriendhadcheatedonher,notwhenwe’dfoughtintheBahamas,notwhenshe’dgottenangryathermother,notevenwhenIhadleftheronthesideoftheroad.I’dneverseenhercryforreal,butnowshewascompletelybrokendown.
Thecircleofpeoplestandingaroundushadfallensilent.
“Goaway!”Noahshoutedatthem.Butnoonemoved.“Isaidgoaway!”
Thosefuckingbratshadlockedherupinaclosetintotaldarkness.
“Nick,I…”Jennasaid,lookingatNoahwithworry.
“Go,I’lltakecareofher,”Isaid,holdingNoahtightly.
Whentheroomhadclearedout,IsatonariserwithNoahonmylap.Shewaspaleandcouldn’tstopmoaning.Thiswasn’ttheNoahIknew.ThisNoahwascompletelydestroyed.
“Nick…”shebawled.
“Shh…relax,”Isaid,huggingher.Iwasterrified,too.Allmyfearshadcometrue,andIcouldhardlykeepagriponmyself.Ijustwantedtoholdher,tokeepherthereinmyarmssoI’dknowshewassafe.I’dbeensoscaredwhenIhadgottenhermessage.I’deventhoughtRonniemighthavefoundherandwashurtingherorworse.
“Makethemgoaway,”shesaid,shakinglikealeaf.
“Who,babe?”Iasked,strokingherhair.
“Thenightmares,”shesaid.
“Noah,you’reawake,”Isaid,wipingawayhertears.
“No.”Sheshookherhead.“Ineedtoforget…Ineedtoforgetwhathappened…Makemeforget,Nick,make…”Thensheleanedintomeandkissedme.Herlipsweredampfromthetearsandtwitchingfromsorrowandterror.
“Noah,what’sgoingon?”Iasked.
“Ijustcan’ttakeitanymore,”shesaid.
Whenshewasdonecrying,Iwalkedhertothecar.Shewasmelancholy,lostinthought,inthoughtsprobablynolessintensethanthememoriesthathadassailedherwhenshewaslockedinthatcloset.
Ikeptmyarmoverhershoulderonthewayhome,drivingwithmylefthand.Shecurledupasclosetomeasshecould,asifIwereherliferaft.Iwantedtoteachalessontoeachoneofthosesnot-nosesatthatstupidparty,butfirst,IneededtomakesureNoahwasokay.
Athome,Itookherstraighttomyroom.Shedidn’tputupafight.OnceIclosedthedoor,Iturnedonthelight.
“Youreallyscaredmetoday,”Isaid.
“I’msorry,”shesaid,tearingupagain.
“Don’tbe,Noah.Butyoudoneedtotellmewhathappened.Notknowingiskillingme,andIwanttobeabletoprotectyoufromallthethingsyou’rescaredof.”
Sheshookherhead.
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutthat.”
“Okay.LetmegetyouaT-shirt,though.You’resleepingwithmetonight.”
Shedidn’tcomplain,notevenwhenItookheroldT-shirtoffandslippedafreshoneoverherhead.ShepulleddownherpantsandwalkedovertomybedandlaydownafterIpulledbackthecover.Igotinandpulledherintomychest,asI’dwantedtoforsolong.I’dfoughtagainstmyfeelings.I’devendeceivedmyself,tryingtoignorewhatIfeltforherthroughone-nightstandsandjustpretendingshedidn’texist.Iwasafraidofwhatwashappeningtome;Ihadnodefensesifitdidn’tturnoutwell.ButIcouldn’thelpit;Iwasinlovewithher.IfeltwhatIfelt,andtherewasnodenyingit.Icouldn’tswimagainstthecurrentanymore.SoIdecidedtotellher,taketherisk,openmyheartaftertwelvelongyears.
“Canyoutell?”Iaskedher,seeingthatshehadhereyesopenandwasstaringatme.“Myheartneverbeatsthatway.Onlywhenyou’renearby.”
Sheclosedhereyesandremainedstill.
“EverytimeIseeyou,I’mdyingtokissyou.EverytimeItouchyou,theonlythingIknowisthatIwishIcouldkeepdoingitthewholenightlong.Noah…I’minlovewithyou.Pleasestoppushingmeaway.You’rejusthurtingbothofus.”
Sheopenedhereyesagain.Thereweretearsinthem;theyseemedtobepleading.
“I’mscaredofyouhurtingme,Nicholas.”Hervoicerentmyheart.
Igrabbedherfacetightly.
“Iwon’t.Neveragain.Ipromise,”Isaid,andkissedher.IkissedherthewayI’dalwayswantedto,withallthepassionandfeelingsIhad.Ikissedherthewayeverymanshouldbeabletokissawomanatleastonceinhislife.Ikissedheruntilwewerebothshivering.Ionlypulledawaytoplantmylipsonherneck,totasteherthewayIwantedto,thewayI’dbeenlongingtoforwhatfeltlikeforever.
“Youdrivemecrazy,Noah,”Iconfessed,kissingherallover,bitingherearlobe,lickinghertattoo.
ShedidsomethingthenthatI’dneverexpected:shecuppedmyfaceandpressedherforeheadintomine.
“Ifyouloveme,youhavetohearthewholestory,”shesaid.Herhoney-coloredeyesglowedbetweenhereyelashes,andherfreckleslookedadorableonhercheeksandhersmallnose.
“Tellme.Whateveritis,we’llgetthroughittogether.”
Sheseemedtobedecidingwhethertocontinue.Shetookadeepbreath,letitout,andbegan:
“WhenIwaselevenyearsold,myfathertriedtokillme.”39Noah
Iknewthetimehadcometobesincere,butIwasscaredtounearththosememories.JustthethoughtofbreakingdownagainasIhadinthatclosetfilledmewithdespair.ButNicholashadtoldmehewasinlovewithme,sohowcouldIresist?
“Myfatherwasanalcoholic.Ibarelyrememberhimanyotherway.HewasaNASCARdriver.IliedwhenIsaiditwasmyuncle.Whenhebrokehisleg,hehadtogiveupracing.Hechanged,hestoppedeating,stoppedsmiling,andtherageandpainjustatehimupinside.Iwaseightthefirsttimehehitmymother.IrememberitbecauseIwasthere.Wrongplaceatthewrongtime,Iguess.Ifelloffmychairwhenhewasdoingitandendeduphavingtogotothehospital.ButheneveractuallytouchedmeuntilIwaseleven.Mymotherhebeatalmosteverysingleday.ItwassoroutineIthoughtitwasnormal…Shecouldn’tleavehim,shedidn’thaveanywhereelsetogo,andshedidn’tmakeenoughmoneytotakecareofme.Myfatherhadaretirementaccountfromracing,andwecouldgetbyonthat,butlikeIsaid,hewasadrunk.Whenhecamehomeafteranightatthebars,hetookallhisfrustrationsoutonMom.Healmostbeathertodeathtwice,butnoonehelpedher,noonehadanythingtoofferher,andshewasscaredthatifshecalledthecops,she’denduplosingcustodyofme.Ilearnedtolivewithit,andanytimeIheardthatthuddingsoundormymotherscreaming,I’dgotomyroomandhideunderthecovers.I’dturnoffallthelightsandwaitforittoend.Butthisonetime,thatwasn’tenough…Mymotherhadtobegonetwodaysforwork,andsheleftmewithhim,thinkingsincehe’dneverturnedonme,I’dbesafe…”
ItwasasifIwererelivingitjustthen.“Heshowedupdrunk,overturnedthetable…Ihid,buthefinallyfoundme…”
WhenIheardthosewords,IknewPapawasgoingtohurtme.Iwantedtotellhimitwasme,notMom,butNoah,buthewassodrunkhedidn’tevencareordidn’tnotice.Everythingwasdark;Icouldn’tevenseetheleastglimmeroflight
“Youwanttoplayhide-and-seek?”heshouted,andIpulledthesheetstightlyaroundme.“Sincewhenhaveyoubeenhidingfromme,youlittleslut?”
Thefirstblowcamerightafterward,thenthesecond,thenthethird.Ididn’tknowhow,butIendedupontheground,screamingandcryingashehitme.Papawasn’tusedtothat,anditmadehimevenmadder.WherewasMom?Wasthiswhatshefelteverytimehegotangrywithher?
Hehitmeinthestomach,andIcouldn’tbreathe…
“You’regoingtolearnwhatyougetifyoudon’ttreatthemanofthehousethewayhedeserves,”hesaidashetookoffhisbelt.He’doftenthreatenedtohitmewithit,buthe’dneveractuallydoneit.Nowhedid,andithurt.Istoodup,tryingtogetaway,andhestruckthewindowinmyroom.Theshatteredglassfellallover;IcouldfeeltheshardscuttingmykneesandthepalmsofmyhandsasItriedtocrawlaway…
Hejustkeptgettingmadder.Hedidn’tseemtoevenrecognizeme.Itwaslikehehadnoideathatthepersonhewasbeatingwasaneleven-year-oldgirl…
“Hedidn’tkillme,buthecameclose.Islippedpasthimandjumpedoutthewindow.ThescaronmystomachiswhereIcutmyselfonthewindowpane.”Itearedupagain,butthistime,Ikepttalkingthroughit.“Theneighborsheardmescreaming,andthecopsshoweduprightafterward.Fortwomonths,Iwasawardofthestate,livinginagrouphome,becauseafterwhathappened,theydidn’tthinkmymotherwasfittolookafterme.ThefunnythingisIgothitmoreinthosetwomonthsthanIeverdidlivingwithmydad.FinallytheyletmegobacktoMom’sandtheyputPapainjail.ThelasttimeIsawhimwaswhenIhadtotestifyagainsthim.Therewassomuchhateinhiseyes…Ineversawhimagain.”
Istoppedtalking,waitingforananswer…thatdidn’tcome.
“Saysomething,”Isaid.
Helookeddown,asiftryingtohidesomething.
“Sothat’swhyyou’reafraidofthedark.”
“Thedarknessbringsbackthosememories,andIpanic…Ifyouhadn’tshownupwhenyoudid,itwouldhaveprobablygottenalotworse…IhadabadpanicattacklikethatwhenIwasinthegrouphome.Itwashorrible.”Itriedtosmile,buthisfaceremainedtenseashereachedoutandtouchedme.
IexhaledalltheairI’dbeenholdingin.IstillrememberedwhenIhadbeenabouttotellDanaboutallthat.Buthe’dfrozen,andI’dmadeitnofurtherthanwhenmyfatherwasbeatingmymom.
“Isentmyownfathertoprison.Thatmustmakeyourethinkyourfeelingsaboutme,no?”
“Noah,”hesaid,shocked,“youdidtherightthing.AllIwantistobethereforyouandprotectyouwithmylifeifIhaveto.That’swhatI’mfeelingrightnow,andIsweartoyou,thosefuckerswhostuckyouinthecloset,I’llkillthemwithmybarehands.”
“Nicholas,I’mdamagedgoods.”
“Don’teversaythatagain,”heorderedme,angrythatI’devensaidit.
IfeltacascadeovermycheeksandlipsasIstartedcryingagain.
“Nick…Imightnotbeabletohavekids.”Thatwasmybiggestsecret,theonethathurtthemost.Theworstconsequenceofthatnight.“Becauseofhowhardhehitme…Thedoctorssaidtheydon’tthinkI’llbeabletogetpregnant…ever.”
Hepulledmeintohim.
“You’rethebravest,mostamazingwomanI’veevermet,”hesaid,kissingmeontopofthehead.“You’llbeabletohavekids.Iknowyouwill…andifnot,youcanadoptone.There’snoonewhowouldmakeabettermotherthanyou…hearme?”Hegotontopofmeandstaredmestraightintheeyes.
“Iloveyou,Noah,”hesaidthen,andIfroze.“Iloveyoumorethanmyownlife,andwhenthetimecomes,I’mgoingtogiveyouthemostpreciouschildrentheworldhaseverseenbecauseyou’rebeautifulandIknowyou’llmakeitthroughallthisshit…andI’llberightbesideyoutomakesureofit.”
“Youdon’tknowwhatyou’resaying,”Iresponded,atoncefrightenedandrelieved.
“IknowexactlywhatI’msaying.I’msayingIwanttobewithyou,IwanttokissyouwheneverIfeellikeit,Iwanttoprotectyoufromanyonewhotriestohurtyou,andIwantyoutoneedmeinyourlife…”
Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwashearing.
“Iloveyou,Nick,”Ideclared.I’dhadnoideaIwouldsayit.Butitwasthetruth,theabsolutetruth.“I’vetriedtoignoremyfeelingsforyou,tohidefromthem…butIloveyou…Iloveyoulikecrazy,andIwantallthethingsyoujustsaid,Iwantyoutobewithme,andIwantyoutolovemebecauseIneedyou,IneedyoumorethantheairIbreathe…”
“Ineedtokissyou,”hesaid.
“Thendoit,”Ireplied.
“Youdon’tunderstand.Ineedtokissyouallover…touchyou,feelyourskin…Iwantyoutobemine,Noah…ineverysenseoftheword.I’veneverfeltthatforanyone…anditscaresme…ItscaresmebecauseIfeellikeI’mgoingcrazy.”
Ipulledhimintome.Hewaslost,Icouldseeitinhiseyes.Nicholashadneverinhislifebeenwithawomanformorethanafewhours.Hedidn’tknowwhatcommitmentwas,butsincehe’dconfessedhislovetome,heseemedlikeatotallydifferentperson.Ilovedhim,too;Icouldfeelitinmyheart,inthewaymybodyreactedwhenhetouchedme,whenhewasnear.Iwasinlove,andIwasscared,justlikehim,andthishadnothingtodowithwhatitfeltlikewhenIwaswithDan.Thiswassomuchmore,somuchbetter,sointense.
Hepulledmyhipstowardhim,squeezingmesotightlyithurt,butIdidn’tcareoncehislipstouchedmineandkissedmepassionately.Ifelthimallover;hisarmswerestrongandclutchingme,butatthesametime,hewasgentle,asifheknewIwasfragileanddidn’twanttobreakme.
Ididn’tresist.IwantedhimtoknowIwasready.Hissmilemademebreathless,butsoonitwasreplacedbyalookofdesiresointenseIwasalmostfrightened.Hetuggedoffmyshirtandkissedmybellybuttonandmyabdomen.IthoughtIwouldlosemymind.Hishandsstrokedmyback,andhismouthandhisfingersthentouchedmyscar.Ijerkedsuddenlyandpushedhimaway.
“No,”hesaid,lookingupatme.“Don’tbeashamed,Noah.Allthismeansisthatyou’rebraverthananyone,thatyou’restrong.”
Inodded.
“You’reperfect,”headded,coveringmeinhotkisses.
Myhandsclimbedhisback,whereIcouldfeelthemusclesunderhishotskin.Iwantedtotouchhimallover.Iwastinglingandpantingashemovedhishandupmyleftlegandkissedmesoftlyone,two,threetimesbeforeforcinghistongueinandtastingmeasifdoingsowerehisdestiny.Ashisfingersreachedmymidsection,IknewIhadtotellhimsomething:I’dneverdoneitwithanyonebefore.NotevenwithDan.Maybeitcouldhavewaited—wewereonlyatsecondbase—butIthoughtitwasbettertogetitoutoftheway.Hehadalotofexperience,andsoonI’dbefeelingscared.
“Nick,”Isaid,tryingtomeeteyeswithhim.“Beforewekeepgoing…”
“Tellmeyou’veneverdoneitbefore,atleastnotwithyourstupidex,”heinterrupted,andIcouldn’thelpbutgigglenervously.
“Well,actually…”Iwasenjoyingthechancetomakefunofhim.Hegottenseallover.“I’mkidding,Nicholas!I’mavirgin.”IturnedredasatomatowhenIadmittedit.
Hesmiledandkissedmeonthecornerofmylips.
“IknewitthefirsttimeIlaideyesonyou,”hesaid,laughing.Ipunchedhimontheshoulder,butIknewhe’dbeenwellmeaning,thathe’dwantedtoclearawaysomeofthetension.Then,moreseriously,hecontinued:
“Wecandropitifyou’renotready.”Icouldtellhewassincere,butitwashardforhimtosay.
“I’mready,”Isaid.“Iwantto…butpromisemeonethingfirst.”
“Younameit.”
Icouldn’thelpbutgrin.
“Promisemeit’llbeunforgettable.”
Anendlesssupplyofloveandaffectionfloodedhiseyes.
“Don’tyouworryaboutthat.”
Ashebeganworkinghiswaydownmyneck,Ifeltajoltthatreachedallthewaybetweenmylegs.Hewasstilldressed,butmyhandswenttoworktearingoffhisshirt.WhenIhaditpartwayoff,hesatup,grabbeditwithonehand,pulledittherestoftheway,andthrewitsexilytothefloor.Iwrappedmylegsaroundhim.AllIwantedwastohavehimasclosetomeaspossible,withnoroomevenforairbetweenus.
Justfeelinghishipsagainstminegavemeakindofstingingpleasurethatmademeclosemyeyesandarchmyback.
“You’regorgeous,”hesaid,bringinghisfingersdownandpushingmyunderweardelicatelyaside.“Ifyouwantmetostop,Freckles,justtellmebecauseevenifI’mdyingtobeinsideyou,Idon’twanttodoituntilyou’reready.”
Buttherewasnoturningbackforme;thiswaswhatIwanted,whatIneeded.Ineededhimwithme,Ineededtorelievethatpressureinsideme,thatpressurethatI’dbeenfeelingformonthsandthatflaredupwhenwekissed,whenwetouched,evenwhenweargued.
“Youweremadetobemypersonaltorture,”hesaid,pressingintomeinplacesthathadneverburnedastheydidjustthen.Hisheart,hisbreathingwereracing.Myfingerswrappedaroundhiswaist,andhewentstiffasItriedtounbuttonhispants.
Theneverythingturnedintense,andthoseslow,tentativetouchesweresuddenlyawhirlwindofsensations.Nickturnedmeoverandputmeontopofhim.Ipulledoffhisjeans.Icouldseesomethinghardconcealedinhisboxers,butIdidn’thavemuchtimebeforehegrabbedmyhipsandmovedmeontopofhiserection.Stillinourunderwear,wepressedourbodiestogetherandstartedtomoan.Iranmyhandsoverhisshouldersandstomach,caressinghisabs.Mymouthfollowedthem;allIwantedjustthenwastolickhisbody,nibbleit,savoritwithmytongue,andIdidn’tholdback.Allthewhile,hepushedhishipsupward,grindingintomeandgivingmepleasure.
“Jesus,Noah,”hesaid,rollingbackontopofme.HishandspushedmylegsupuntilIwrappedthemaroundhim.
“Touchme,Nick…Ineedit,”Isaid,askinghimforsomethingIstilldidn’tknoworcomprehend.
Hisfingersworkedtheirwayinsidemyunderwear,andIarchedmyback,pushedtodesire’sedgeashestartedtomovetheminlittlecirclesrightinthespotwhereIwasachingwithpleasure.
“Noah,youknowIdon’twanttohurtyou,right?”hesaid,andIcouldseethroughthefogofecstasythathewasworried.“ButI’mgoingtohaveto,mylove.”
“Iknow,”Iresponded,feelingoneofhisfingerspushinginsideme.“OhmyGod,Nick!”Ishoutedashebegantoexploreme,openingmeupforwhatwastocome.
“Thesoundsyou’remakingaredrivingmewild,”hesaidasIfeltanotherfingerpushinbesidethefirstone.Hepushedhismouthatopminetosilencethescreamemergingfromit.Hisotherhandclimbedmybackandunfastenedmybra.OhGod—hewasgoingtoseemybreasts!Noonehadeverseenthem,butIwassorapt,Ibarelyhadtimetothinkaboutit.Hesqueezedtheleftoneandsuckedonmynipple,circlingitwithhistongue…
“Jesus,you’reperfect,it’slikeyouweremadejustforme,Noah,”hesaidandtookoffhisboxers.Whenhepulledoutthetwofingers,Ifeltsuddenlyemptyandfrustrated.Iopenedmyeyesandsawhimnakedinfrontofme.Myjawfellopen.
“Dammit,don’tlookatmelikethat!”hesaidinagruffvoiceasheopenedthenightstandandtookoutwhatIassumedwasacondom.Icouldn’tbelievewhatmyeyeswereseeing,buteverythinghedid,thewayhemoved,thewayhischestroseandfellashebreathed,allofitturnedmeon.Iwantedhim,wantedhiminsideme.TherewasnothingIwantedmore.
Whenheopenedmylegsandhegotontopofme,mybodyseemedonthevergeofexplosion.Wewerebothsotense,ithurt.
“Iloveyou,Noah,”hesaid,hismouthjustinchesfrommine.HisblueeyeslookedatmeinawayI’dneverseenbefore.Hiswordsmademeswellwithhappiness,andIknewhewasonlydoingwhathehadtodo,thatthishadtohappen,thatNicholaslovedme.Despiteallwe’dbeenthroughtogether,despitethehatredwe’dfeltforeachother,usbeingwitheachotherwasalwaysinthecards.
“Keepgoing,”Isaid.
Hearrangedhimselfovermecarefully,andslowly,Ifelthimenterme.Themusclesinsidemetensed,andImoanedwildlywhenhepushedfartherin.Hewastryingnottohurtme;thesweatwasdrippingdownhisback,andeveryinchofhimwasstraining.
“Gofast,Nick,”Isaid,pullinghiminwithmylegs.
“Areyousure?”hewhispered.
Inodded,andhekissedmebehindtheear.Hisarmswereoneithersideofmyhead,andhewaspantinguncontrollably.
Hebrokethroughthefinalbarrierthatlaybetweenus.Ifeltasharppain,intenseandfiery,andatlast,hewasallthewayinsideme.Wewereoneperson,connectedinthemostpowerfulwayimaginable,andatearwelledinmyeyewhenhetriedtogetmetolookathim.
“Noah…Noah,”hesaid,almostfrightened,reachingupandcaressingmyface.“I’msorry…I’msorry,babe.”
“No,”Iinterruptedhim,wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneckanddrawinghimin.“I’mfine.Don’tstop.”
Thepainwasstillthere,butjustseeingthepleasureonNick’sfacehelpedmeforgetit.Iwantedtogivethistohim.Iwantedhimtorememberitforever
“Jesus,Noah…youcan’timaginehowgoodthisismakingmefeel.”Pullingoutandpushingbackinalittleharderthanbefore.WhenIclosedmyeyes,hesaid,“No,Noah,lookatme,ohmyGod,I’mdying…”Ashekeptthrusting,thepainwentawayentirely;Iwantedhimthere,andwhenhegruntedfrompleasure,IfeltlikeIwaslosingmymind…Helikedit,likedbeingwithme;Iwastheonewhogavehimthispleasurenow,meandnooneelse.
Ipulledhishair.
“Faster,”Isaid,andhedidit,andIutterlylostcontrol,andawaveofsomethingmagnificentroseupinsidemeandthreatenedtocrashandtakeabsolutelyeverythingawaywithit.
“Nowyou’remine,”hesaid,groaningwithpleasureandpainatthesametime.“You’reallmine…Sayit,Noah…Sayit.”
“I’myours,”Isaid,scratchinghisback.
Everythingseemedtostopthen.Mysensesburstapart;nothingseemedtomatter,justthepersonontopofme,justhim,justNick.Ishoutedwhenweorgasmedatthesametime.Wewereexhaustedandsweatyandcouldhardlycatchourbreath.Herestedhisheadonmyshoulder,andmyfingersloosenedtheirgrip.Irelaxed,enjoyingthefinalflickersofpleasure,caressinghimsoftly.
Hekissedmeontheshoulder,ontheface,andthenpulledbacktolookmeinmyeyes.
“You’reincredible,”hesaid,“Iloveyou.Ilovedyoufromtheveryfirsttimeyoutoldmeyouhatedme.”
Ilaughed,feelingalittleregretful.“Ijusthatednothavingyoutomyself.”
“Fromnowon,youwill.I’mcompletelyyours,bodyandsoul…completely.”40Nick
SleepingwithNoahhadbeenthemostamazingexperienceofmylife.Icouldn’tbelieveithadhappened.Itstillseemedlikeadream.I’dbeenthinkingaboutdoingitsinceIsawherinhertightdressforthefirsttimeandrealizedhowgorgeousshewas.Butmakinglovetoher?Iwasinheaven.Feelingherundermeandcaressinghertomyheart’scontenthadgivenmemorepleasurethanI’dknowninyearsofsexwithotherwomen.Nowshewasmine,mineforever,becausetherewasnowayIwaslettinghergo.
Withallthathadhappenedandwithallshehadtoldme,Ididn’tknowhowwe’dmadeitthatfar,butwe’dfinallyknockeddownthewallthathadseparatedusfromthebeginning.Noah’schildhoodhadbeenhorrible,sotraumaticthatevenyearslater,itstillhadconsequencesforherdailylife,anditwasallIcoulddonottohuntdownherfatherandkillhimforwhathe’ddone.Iwasangryathermother,too.Whatkindoffoolleftaneleven-year-oldgirlwithanabuser?Ididn’twantNoahtoknowit,butIblamedRaffaellaaswellasherfather,andI’dmakethatclearwhenthetimewasright.Andyet,evenwithallshe’dtoldme,Istillhadthefeelingshewashidingsomething.Iwasn’tsurewhat,butIsawatraceofworryinhereyes,andIwantedtoknowwhatitwasabout.
Shewasasleepinmyarms.Ithoughtbacktowhatwehaddone,andIalmostwokeheruptopickupwherewe’dleftoff.Therewasalittlelighton,andinthereflectionIcouldadmireherbeauty.Shewasstunning;shetookmybreathaway.Andherbody…Touchingitandpleasuringithadbeenoneofthemostpleasurablethingsinmylife.
Iheardmyphonevibrating.Ididn’twantNoahtowakeup,soItookitoffthenightstandandplaceditwhereshewouldn’thearit.Whoeveritwas,theycouldwait…
WhenIpulledherintight,sheopenedhereyes,alittlegroggy.
“Hey,”shesaidinthatsoft,pleasanttoneshe’dbeenusingwithmeforexactlyoneday.
“HaveItoldyouhowincrediblysexyyouare?”Iasked,gettingontopofher,happytoseeherawake.I’dbeenwantingtokissherforatleastanhour.
Shekissedmebackasonlysheknewhowandhuggedmeclose.
“Youallright?”Iasked.I’dbeenascarefulaspossible;I’dneverworriedsomuchabouthurtingsomeone,butafterwhatI’dheardaboutNoah’spast,Ididn’twanthertofeelevenascratch.
“I’mhungry,”shesaid,laughing.
Hercheekswerepink,almostfeverish-looking,butthatwasnormal,sinceIhadn’tletgoofherallnightwhileshesleptnexttome.
“Me,too,”Isaid,kissinghercheekandherthroatonthatspecialspotthatdroveherwild.
Shelaughedandtuggedatmyhairsoshecouldlookinmyeyes.
“Hungryforfood,”sheclarified.Whycouldthatsmileofhersdrivemesocrazy?
“Fine,let’seat,”Isaid,pullinghertowardtheshower.Wegotintogether,andafterweweredone,IgaveheraT-shirtandputonapairoftrackpants.Icouldn’tbemorethankfulmyfatherandhermotherwereoutoftownfortheweekend.
“Whatareyouinthemoodfor?”Iaskedaswewentdownstairsandshesatattheisland.
“Youknowhowtocook?”sheaskedincredulously.
“OfcourseIdo.Whatdoyouthink?”Isaid,smilingandgrabbingherhairintoabunchtopullherheadbackandkissher.
“Imeantsomethingedible,”shesaid.Thatwasthebestsoundintheworld:theperfecttoneforaperfectmorning.
“I’llmakepancakessoyouwon’tcomplain,”Isaid,lettinghergo.
“I’llhelpyou,”shesaid,jumpingupandwalkingtothefridge.Wecookedtogether:Imadethebatter,andshemadeastrawberrysmoothieforbothofus.Thenwesatattheislandandatesidebyside.ItwasexquisitewhenIpouredsyruponherandthenlickeditoff.I’dneverdoneanythinglikethatwithanyone,anditmademybreakfastmuchmoreappetizing.Thingswerefinallythewaytheyshouldbe:Noahwasmine,shewashappy,andIwas,too.Afteryearswithouttrustingawoman,Ihadchosenonewhowascomplexbutperfect,onewhocouldgivemebackalltheloveandtrustthatIhadlostatsuchanearlyage.IstartedtoseethatNoahandIhadalotincommon.She’dlostherfatherateleven,andI’dlostmymotherattwelve.We’dbothsufferedatanearlyage,andnowwe’dmettohelpeachothergetoverit.
“Weneedtodosomething,”shesaidassheateherlastbiteofpancakes.“Givemeyourphone.”
Ididn’tknowwhatshewanted,butIdidn’thesitateasecondinhandingittoher.
“Sinceyou’remyboyfriendnow,”shesaid,observingmewarily,andIsmiled.Ilikedthatterm.Yeah,Iwasherboyfriendandshewasmygirlfriend:mine.“I’mgoingtoeraseallthegirlsinyourphoneexceptformeandJenna.”
WhenIstartedlaughing,shesaid,“I’mserious,”unlockingmyphoneandenteringmycontacts.
“Dowhatyoulike.Idon’tcare,”Isaid,“butdon’teraseAnneorMadison.I’vegotpermissiontokeeptalkingtomysister,right?”Iasked,gettingupandtakingthedishestothesink.
“Who’sAnne?”sheasked,wrinklinghernose.ItsoundedtoomuchlikeAnna.Ihurriedtoexplain:
“AnneisthesocialworkerwhobringsMadisonwhenIgotovisither.Shekeepsmeinformedaboutwhat’sgoingonwithher,andshecallsifanythingcomesup.”
“You’vegotamissedcallfromher,fromanhourago,”shesaid.Andthen,asifsheknewweweretalkingabouther,thescreenlitupandAnne’snameappeared.“Heresheisagain.”Igrabbedthephonefromherhand,worried.ItwastooearlyforAnnetobecalling.
“Nicholas?”shesaidwhenIpickedup.
“What’sgoingon?”Iasked,feelingtheterrorinmystomach.
“It’sMadison.”Hervoicewascalm,butIcouldsensethealarminhervoice.“She’sinthehospital.Itlooksliketheyforgotherinsulinoverthepasttwenty-fourhours,andshe’shadanattack…Ithinkyoushouldcome.”
Iwassqueezingthephonesotightlyitalmostshatteredinmyhand.
“Issheallright?”I’dneverbeensoscaredinmyentirelife.
“Idon’tknowanythingabouthercondition,”shesaid.Inoddedandhungup.
Noah’sfacewaspale.Shestoodupandwalkedovertome,askinginanervousvoicewhatwaswrong.
“It’smysister.She’sinthehospital.Idon’tknowwhatthedealisexactly.Apparentlyshehasn’tgottenherinsulin…Ineedtogo.”Itookoffrunningformyroom.Noahfollowed,buttheonlythingthatmatteredtomewasmyfive-year-oldsisterandthefactthatthepeopletakingcareofherweretoostupidtogiveherthemedicinethatkeptheralive.
“I’mcomingwithyou,”shesaid.
Ilookedatherforafewsecondsandnodded.Yes,Iwantedherwithme.Mymotherwouldbethere…andIhadn’tseenherinthreelongyears.41Noah
I’dneverseenhimsoworried—orjustonetime,ifIcountedthenighthe’dfoundmescreaminginthecloset.Helookedthesamenow,sadandfrustrated.Wewereinhiscar.Hewasdrivingwithhislefthandandholdingmyhandwiththeright,justoverthegearshift.Ihadnoideahisworriescouldaffectmesodeeply.IwantedtowipeawaythatsorrowandmakehimsmilethewayIhadthosepastfewhours,butIknewitwasimpossible.NotmanypeoplecouldmakeNicholasLeisterbreakdownandgiveeverything,butIknewhissisterwasoneofthem.Whatlittlehe’dtoldmeabouthismotherwasenoughformetoknowthathehatedheroratleastpreferrednevertothinkaboutheragain.Notgivinghisdiabeticsisterherinsulinwastheperfectreasontohateherevenmore.
Wedroveinsilence.Itsaddenedmethat,afterbeingsohappy,sotogether,everythinghadsuddenlycrashedandburned,butatleasthekeptkissingmyhandonceinawhileorstrokingmycheek.Hewasgentle,andeachofthosecaressesstungevenastheyconsoledme.Sleepingwithhimhadmeantsomething,anditwastheonlythingIcouldthinkofwhenIfelthisskintouchmine.
Wedidn’tevenstoptoeat.WhenwereachedVegassixhourslater,wewentdirectlytothehospital.
MadisonGrasonwasonthefourthfloorofthepediatricwing.Assoonaswefoundout,wetookoffrunning.Inthewaitingroom,wesawthreepeople:acoupleandaportlywoman.ThelatterwalkedovertothedoorwhenshesawNicklookingatthewomanbehindher.
“Nicholas,Idon’twantyoustartingascene,”shesaid,glancingfromhimtomeandback.
“Whereisshe?”heasked.Inthemeantime,thewomaninthebackoftheroomhadgottenupandwaslookingatNickwithpreoccupation.
“She’sasleep.They’veadministeredinsulin.She’sfine,Nicholas,she’sgoingtomakeafullrecovery.”
Isqueezedhishand.Iwishedhewouldcalmdown,buthewascompletelybesidehimself.HewalkedpastAnneandstraighttowardtheotherwomen.Shewasblond,andwhenIsawherupclose,therewasnodoubtinmymind:thiswashismother.
“Wherethefuckwereyou?Howcouldyouletthishappen?”heshouted.Thebaldmannexttohertriedtogetbetweenthem,butshestoppedhim.
“Nicholas,itwasanaccident,”shesaid,calmbutwitheyesfullofgrief.
“Leavemywifeinpeace.Wewerealreadysickwithworrybeforeyoushowedup—”
“Fuckyou!”Nickwassqueezingmyhandsotightlyithurt,buttherewasnowayIwouldtrytobreakfreejustthen—heneededme.“She’sgottohaveherinsulinthreetimesaday.Itisn’trocketscience,butwhatdoyouexpectwhenyoudon’tthinktwiceaboutleavingherinthehandsofabunchofdumbbabysitters?”
“Madisonknowsshe’ssupposedtotakeherinjections,andshedidn’tsayanything.Rosejustassumedshe’ddoneit—”thebaldguyexplainedbeforeNickcuthimoffagain:
“She’sfivefuckingyearsold!Sheneedsamother!”
Thiswasn’tjustanargumentaboutNick’ssister.Thatmuchwasclear.HewasshoutingathismotherbecauseofMaddiebutalsobecauseofhimself.Ihadn’trealizedhowmuchshe’dhurthimuntilthen,butitmusthavebeenhard,losingyourmotheratsuchayoungage.Ihadlostmyfather,too,butinacertainsense,I’dsavedmyselffromhim,andmymotherhadalwaysbeenthereforme.Nicholashadn’thadafatherwholovedhim,justonewhogavehimmoney.Ihatedthatwomanforhurtinghim,andIhatedWilliamfornotcaringforhissonenough.
Isteppedbackwhenadoctorappeared.
“AreyouthefamilyofMadisonGrason?”
Everyoneturnedtohim.
“She’srespondingtotreatment.She’llgetbetter,butsheneedstospendthenighthere.Iwanttokeepaneyeonherglucoselevelsandherconditioningeneral.”
“What’sgoingonwithher,exactly?”Nickasked.
“Youare…?”
“Herbrother.”
Thedoctornodded.
“Yoursister’ssufferingfromdiabeticketoacidosis.Thathappenswhenthebodydoesn’thaveenoughinsulinanditstartsburningfatasasourceofenergy.Whenthishappens,theliverproducesketones,whichareatypeofacidthatistoxicwhenitbuildsupinthebloodstream.”
“Whatdoyouhavetodowhenthathappens?”
“Yoursister’sglucoseisupabovethreehundred.Herliveriscrankingoutglucose,buthercellscan’tabsorbitwithoutinsulin.Withthedoseswe’regivingher,we’llgetthatundercontrol.We’llrunmoretests,butthere’snothingtoworryabout.Whatbotheredmewhenshegotherewasthedehydrationbecauseshe’dbeenvomitingsomuch,butthat’sbehindusnow.We’rethroughtheworstofthis.Kidsaretough.”
“CanIseeher?”Nicholasasked.
“Yes.Shewokeup,andifyou’reNick,she’sbeenaskingaboutyou.”Evenknowingthisdidn’tseemtoimproveNick’smood.Thethoughtthatthingscouldhavebeenworseforhissisterandthatitwasherparents’faultmusthavebeenkillinghiminside.
“Come,Iwantyoutomeether,”hesaid,pullingmebehindhim.I’dsupposedhe’dgoinalone,butknowinghewantedmethereforsomethingsoimportantfilledmewithjoy.
WhenweenteredMadison’sroom,Isawher,atinylittlegirl,prettierthananyI’deverseen.Shewassittinguponherbed.WhenshesawNick,shereachedupandsmiled.
“Nick!”Shefrownedfrompainjustasshesaidit.ShehadanIVinherarm;itmusthavehurt.
Nickletgoofmeforthefirsttimeinhoursandranovertoher.Itwasfunnytoseehimhuggingher,sittingthereinthatgiantbed.
“Howareyou,Princess?”heasked.Iwasn’tsurewhatIfeltjustthen,afterseeinghimsoupsetandthensorelieved.
Thegirlwasgorgeousbutverypetiteforafive-year-old.Shewaspaleandhadbigpurplebagsunderhereyes.ShemadesuchasadimpressionthatIwasreassuredtoseehersmile.
“Youcame.”
“OfcourseIdid.Whatdidyouthink?”hereplied,pickingherupandputtinghercarefullyonhislapasheleanedagainstthewall.Shereachedupandstartedplayingwithhishair.
Theimagewarmedmyheart.I’dneverhaveguessedNicholascouldtreatachildthewayhewastreatingMadison.Honestly,I’dneverhavebeenabletoimaginehimwithachild,period.Nickwasthekindofguywhomadeyouthinkofhotgirls,drugs,androck’n’roll.
“Look,Maddie,Iwanttointroduceyoutosomeonereallyspecial.That’sNoah.”Onlythendidsheseemtonoticeme.Sheonlyhadeyesforherbigbrother.Thatwasnormal,right?Butnowthoseeyes,bluejustlikeNick’s,settledonme.
“Whoisshe?”sheaskedwithafrown.
BeforeIcouldsayIwasafriend,Nicholasinterruptedme:
“She’smygirlfriend.”
“Youdon’thavegirlfriends,”shesaid.
Iwalkedovertothem.
“That’strue,Maddie,butIthinkI’vemadehimchangehismind,”Isaidwithagrin.Shewasfunny.
“Ilikeyourname,”shesaid.“It’saboy’sname.”Nicholasburstoutlaughing,andIcouldn’thelpbutjoinin.
“Uh,thanks.I’mnotsurewhattosay.”Likebrother,likesister,Ithought,rememberingwhatNickhadsaidaboutmynamewhenwe’dmet.
“Withanamelikethat,I’llbettheboysletyouplaysoccer,”shesaid.
“Youlikesoccer?”Iasked,disbelieving.NicholasalwayscalledherPrincess,andshelookedmorelikeoneofthosethanasoccerfan.
“Iloveit.Nickgavemeaball.It’ssocool.It’spink,”shereplied,stilltuggingandslappingatNick’shair.Iunderstood.Iwantedtotouchit,too.
Wespentagoodwhilewithher,andtherewasnodenyingit:shewasadorable.Shewasbrightforherageandveryfunny,butshelookedexhausted,sowedecidedtoletherrest.
Onthewayout,weranintoNick’smom.You’dthinkamotherwouldbeworriedaboutherdaughter,butsheseemedtobeonadifferentplanet.Shefeignedindifferenceinfrontofherson,butcertainbarelyperceptiblenervousgesturesshowedmethathispresencedidaffecther.
“Nicholas,Iwanttotalktoyou,”shesaid,lookingbackandforthbetweenthetwoofus.
“I’llleaveyoualone,”Isaid,butheheldmeclose.
“Ihavenothingtosaytoyou,”hehissed.
“Please,Nicholas.I’myourmother…Youcan’tspendyourwholelifeavoidingme.”Shedidn’tseemtocarethatIwastherelistening.Nicholaswastenseasaguitarstring.
“Youstoppedbeingmymotherthemomentyouabandonedmeforthatidiothusbandofyours.”Itwasfrighteningtoseehimlikethat,soserious.
“Imadeamistake,”shesaid,asifabandoningyourchildweresomethinganyonemightaccidentallydo.“Butyou’renotachildanymore.It’stimeforyoutoforgivemeforwhatIdid.”
“Thatwasn’tamistake.Youdisappearedforsixyears.Youdidn’tevencalltoaskhowIwas.Youjustleftme!”heshouted.“IwishIneverhadtoseeyouagain,andifIcould,Iwouldtakethatpreciouslittlegirlfromyou.Youdon’tdeserveher.Youdon’tdeservetohaveherasadaughter.”
Wewalkedaway.Hepulledmedownthehallway,thenturned,andthenturnedagainuntilwereachedanareathatwasempty.Hepulledopenthedoorofasmallcloset,andwesteppedinside.Theonlylightcamefromawindowneartheceiling.
Hisfacelookedlost,hisbreathingwasoutofcontrol,andhiseyesweregleamingwithfuryormaybesorrow,Iwasn’tsure.Iwasscaredtoseehimlikethat,andIdidn’trealizewhatwashappeningwhenhepushedmeagainstthewallandhislipspressedintomine.
“Nicholas,”Isaidinatremblingvoice,caressinghisface.Buthewaselsewhere,incapableofcontrollinghisemotions.Hekissedmeagain.Ididn’tmanagetosayaword.
“Thankyouforbeinghere,”hewhispered,andwhenIheardthedesperationinhisvoice,Iheldhimsteadyandtriedtolookhimintheeye.“Idon’tthinkI’llevergetoverherjustleavingmelikethat.Butnowyou’rehere,Ihaveyou,andIknowwhatitfeelsliketobeinlove.Idon’tcarewhatshedidtomeanymore,Noah.You’veclosedawoundthatwasstillraw,andthatmakesmeloveyouevenmore.”
Weweresoclose,histearsstreamedintomyeyesandIfeltasmilecrosshislips.
“Comehere,”hemurmuredandkissedme.
Thatwasthesecondtimewemadelove…anditwastarnishedbymemoriesfromthepast.
Wewenttoeatafterward.Wewouldn’tbeabletovisitMaddieagainforafewhours,sowedecidedtoseethesightsinLasVegas.Ihadneverbeen,anditwasasimpressiveasitlookedinthemovies.WhereverIlooked,therewerehugebuildings,luxurioushotels,andspectacles.Icouldn’tevenimaginewhatitmustlooklikeatnight—unfortunatelyIwouldn’tbeabletostaytheretoolate.
“Tomorrowwe’llreleaseher.That’sbetterthanweexpected.Wecouldprobablyjustlethergonow,butI’dprefertokeepherunderobservationalittlelonger,”thedoctorsaid.
Itwasfiveintheevening,andifwewantedtobeinLAbeforemidnight,weneededtoheadback.Nicholasseemednottowanttogo,buthismotherwasthere,andIknewhowhardthatwasforhim.
“I’llbebackthisweek,”hetoldMaddie,whogotteary-eyed.“I’llcomeWednesday,andI’llbringyouapresent,andwecanplaytogether.”Hehuggedhercarefullybutlovingly.
“Intwodays?”shesaid,pouting.
“Justtwodays,”Nicksaid,kissingheronherblondhair.
Helookeddestroyed,exhausted,asweleftthehospital,andhehadgoodreasonto.Ithadbeenadayfullofemotion,andthedaybeforehadbeen,too.Webothneededafewhourstosleepitoff.
“Youwantmetodrive?”Iasked.Hegrinnedashepinnedmeagainstthedriver’ssidedoor.
“IseemtorememberIendeduplosingthelastcaryoudrove.”
“You’llneverletthatgo,willyou?”Iasked,rollingmyeyes.
Iturnedaroundandgotintothepassengerside.Westoppedseveraltimesonthewayforcoffee,andwhenwewereontheroad,wekeptthemusicblastingtohelpusstayawake.
Oncehome,wedidn’tevenstoptothinkthatourparentsmighthavearrived.NicholashadanarmaroundmyshoulderandIhadminearoundhiswaistasweclimbedtheporch.
Seeingmymotherwaslikereturningtoreality.Wewerestartledandpulledquicklyawayfromeachother.
“Finally,you’reback.Wewerestartingtogetworried,”Momsaid,comingoverandhuggingmetightly.Ihadn’tseenherfortwodays,andwithallthathadhappened,thememoriesofmyfather,thethingswithNick,IsqueezedherharderthanIshouldhave.
“Didyoumissme?”shelaughed.
ShegreetedNickaswell,andwewentinsideandwereinterrogatedabouttheconditionofNick’ssister.Iguesshehadcalledthemsothey’dknowwherewewere,andWilliamwasworriedaboutMaddie’shealth.
“I’mgladshe’sallright,”hesaid,gettingupfromthesofa.
Nickwasononesideoftheroom,Iontheother.Itwasstrangenottobetouchingeachother,andIfeltanoddemptinessinmychest.I’dgottensousedtohavinghimclosethesepastforty-eighthoursthatIneededhimnearmeatalltimes.Ilookedintohiseyesjustthen.Isawpromise.
“I’mtired,”Isaid.“Ifyoudon’tmind,I’mgoingtogoonupstairs.I’vegotclassinthemorning…”
MymotherwaswatchingamoviewithWill,andtheystillhadagoodbitofitleftbeforebedtime.
“Youstayingwithus,Nick?”mymotheraskedhim,andIhadtosuppressascowl.Fortunately,Idon’tthinkshenoticed.
Nicholasgrinned.
“Ishouldgoup,too.I’vegotclassmyself.Goodnight,”hesaid,walkingaroundthesofaandjoiningme.
Ididn’tknowifitwasthefeelingofdoingsomethingbadorjustknowingourparentsweredownthereandwouldloseitiftheycaughtus,butwhenNickpushedmeagainstthewallinmyroomandstuckhishandundermyshirt,itwasthemostexcitingthingIcouldimagine.
“Cometomybed.Sleepwithme,”hewhisperedinmyear.Thewholetimehespoke,hewaskissing,nibbling,lickingmyneck.
“Ican’t,”Imoaned.
“Youcan’tmakethosenoisesandthentellmenottotakeyoutobed,”hesaid,pressinghishipsintomesexily.
Igiggledandclosedmyeyes.
“Mymothercouldcomeupatanytime,Nicholas,”Isaidasheskillfullysqueezedmyleftthigh.“Idon’twanthertohaveaheartattack.”
“You’recomingwithmeanyway,”hesaid,draggingmeoff.
“No!”Ishouted,diggingmyheelsintothefloor.Ihadnoideawhatweweregoingtodonowthatweweretogetherandlivingunderthesameroofwithmymotherandhisfather,butIknewtherehadtobesomekindofrulesorself-controlinplace.
Hestopped,noticedthenoisesdownstairs,andrealizedIwasright.
“Iloveyou,”hesaid,givingmeaquickpeckonthelips.“Ifanythinghappens,youknowwhereIam.”
“Ido.Seconddoorontheleft.”
Iclosedthedoor.Ineededtoanalyzeeverythingthathadhappened.Ineeded…tocatchmybreath.
Everythingthathadhappenedthosepastfewdayshadsunkmeinacloudofcontrarythoughtsandfeelings.IwashappywhenIwaswithNick:Ididn’tknowifitwouldlastalongtime,sincewehadatendencytoclash,oratleastithadseemedthatwayoverthepastfewmonths.Eitherway,Iwascrazyabouthim.Ihadhiddenit,evenfrommyself,butnowitwasout,andIcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutit,especiallyknowinghewasjustafewfeetaway.ItwashardnottogolookingforhimwhenIhadtroublesleeping,butIforcedmyself.Ihadtolearntokeepmydistancefromhim.ButwhenIwasn’twithhim,myeverythoughtturnedtomyfatherandhisthreateningletters.Istilldidn’tknowifIshouldtellanyone…why?Hewasinjail,andIwasn’tevensureifhewastheonesendingthem.MaybeRonniehadjustfoundoutaboutmydadandwasusingallthatagainstme.SoIdecidedtosaynothing,atleastuntilanotherlettercame,andmyguesswasthatwasnevergoingtohappen.
Thenextmorning,Igotupinarush,knowingIwasatriskofbeinglateforschool.IwasnervousbecauseI’dhavetodealwiththefalloutfromtheparty.Everyonehadheardmeshoutlikeamadwoman,andnobodyhadcometomyaid.
Iputonmyuniformandrandownstairs.Williamwasalreadygone,sameasmostmornings,andNickandmymotherwerehavingbreakfastattheislandinthekitchen.WhenNicklookedupatme,Ihadtostrugglenottorunoverandkisshim.Momgotupandstartedmakingmybreakfast.Withtheexcuseofgettinghelpwithmytie(whichIknewperfectlywellhowtotiebynow),IwalkedovertoNickandgavehimaquickkisswhilemymotherwasn’tlooking.
Hewhisperedtome:“RightnowIhavealltheseimagesofmyheadofyouinthatuniforminaroomupstairs.”Ashesaidthis,heknottedmytie,kissedmesoftly,andstrokedmyneck.
Iturnedtomakesurenoonewaswatching.Butmymotherwasbusyscramblingeggs,andhermusicwasblaringfromthespeakers.
Itwasadangerousgamewewereplayingbutaveryexcitingone,too.
Hereacheddownandfeltundermyskirt,strokingmylegsandmyass.
“You’repushingit,”Isaid.
“Iknow,”heagreed,pullingawayjustasmymotherturnedandservedmydish.
Forthefirsttime,IhadmybreakfastsittingnexttoNick,andallIcouldthinkaboutwasthatmorningwhenwe’dhadpancakesandsmoothiestogether.Thatwasasweetmemory,especiallythepartthathadcomejustbeforeweate…
Mymotherdidn’tsaymuchtous.Sheseemedimmersedinherthoughts,andIreproachedmyselffornottakingmoreinterestinhermarriageandwhethershewashappywewerelivingthere.
“Areyouokay,Mom?”Iaskedwithaworriedlook.Thatlostlook,thatdistractionInoticedinherwasbecomingalltoocommon.
Shecamebackfromwherevershehadwanderedofftoinhermindandfeignedasmile.
“Yeah,sure…I’mgreat,”shesaid,pickingherplateupanddroppingitintothesink.“Nicktoldmethathedoesn’tmindtakingyoutoschooltoday.I’msorry,hon,butmyheadhurtsalittle…IthinkI’mgoingtoliedown.”ShegavemeakissontheheadandsqueezedNick’sshoulderaffectionately.
“She’sbeingkindofweird,right?”Isaidashefinishedhisjuice.Hepulledmychairovertohis.
“Alittle,butIdon’tthinkit’sabigdeal.”Heputhishandsonmykneesandleanedin.“Youreadytogo?”Hisvoicewasseductive.Hishandstickledme.Inodded.Iguessedmycarbeingintheshopwasn’tasbadasI’dthoughtatfirst.
Fiveminuteslater,wewereleaving,buthedidstoponacornerwherenoonecouldseeus,cupmyface,andkissmeintensely.
“What’sthatallabout?”Iaskedashegrinnedandputthecarbackingear.
“It’sbeensevenhoursandtwenty-fiveminutessincewe’vekissed,”hesaidcalmly.
“You’recounting?”Isaid,laughing.Thatputmeinareallygoodmood.
“IgetboredwhenI’mnotwithyou.Ineedtokeepmymindbusy.”
Fifteenminuteslater,IwasatthedoorofSt.Marie’s.Icouldn’thelpbutfeelnervous.Nickwaslookingserious,too,andclutchingthesteeringwheeltightly.
“Yougoingtopickmeup?”Iasked.
“Ofcourse.Idon’thaveachoice—I’myourboyfriend,right?”hesaidalmostpresumptuously.
Ilaughed.
“That’snotnecessarilyaboyfriend’sduty.You’veneverevenhadagirlfriend,haveyou?”ItcrackedmeuptoknowIwasrightandthatIwashisfirst
“Iwaswaitingforyou,”hesaid,plantingahotkissonmylips.Ilikedthosewordssomuch,Iheldhimclose.Kissinghimremindedmeofthetwotimesithadgonefurtherthanthat.Iwantedtodoitagain.
“You’dbettergoifyoudon’twantmetokidnapyoufortherestoftheday,”hewarnedme.Hishandaroundmywaisttoldmehewantedtokeepmethere.
“I’llseeyouatfour,”Isaidwithasmileandopenedthedoor.Thiswasaddictive.
“Loveyou,”Isaid.
“Loveyou,too!Seeyou,Precious.”Heshookhisheadanddroveoff.
BeforeIreachedthedoor,manyeyesturnedtome,butbeforeIcouldletitgettome,Jennajumpedintomyarmsandhuggedme.
“Noah!I’mso,sosorry.”Shesqueezedmetightly.“Ididn’tknowtheyweregoingtodothat.Ishouldhavebeentheretohelpyou.They’rejustabunchofimmaturebabies.Theyshouldbeoverstupidprankslikethat,butyouknow…”
“It’sfine,Jenna.Itwasn’tyourfault,”Isaid.
“Areyousure?”shecontinued.“Youlookedlikeyouwerefreakingout.Ididn’tknowthedarknessaffectedyoulikethat.”
“It’satraumafromwhenIwasakid,butit’sover.Itdoesn’tmatteranymore.”Justthen,thebellrangandwewalkedtoourlockers.
Itwasn’tover,though.Rumorshadspread,andanywhereIturned,peoplewerestaringatme.IfeltlikeaMartianorworse,likepeoplewerepityingme.Ididn’trealizehowangryIwasuntilIwenttothedininghallandsawCassietherewiththeguyswho’dstuffedmeinthecloset.IwassoenragedthatIdidn’tevenrealizewhatIwasdoinguntilIwasrightbesideherthrowingmystrawberryshakeinherhair.
Everyonearoundfroze,andbeforeIknewwhatI’ddone,Iheardtheprincipal’svoicebehindme.
“MissMorgan,myoffice,please.”
Shit.42Nick
Ididn’tthinkallthosedarkfeelingswouldcatchuptomewhenIlefttheschool,buttheydid.Icouldn’tstopthinkingabouthowthatgirlIlovedsomuchhadbeentortured,almostkilled.Forthatreason,Iwentstraighttomyfather’soffice.Iwantedtoknowhisthoughtsaboutallthis,butespeciallywhatcouldbedoneafterfindingoutthewomanIlovedhadbeenbeatenandmistreatedforyears.
IreachedLeisterEnterprisesandheadedstraightforthetopfloor.Janine,myfather’ssecretary,hadknownmeherwholelife;ithadbeenherjobtobuymebirthdaypresentsandtakemetomyfriends’parties.She’dgonetomysoccergameswhenmyfatherwastoobusyworking.She’devenchewedmeoutwhenI’dhadbadgradesonmyreportcard.Janinewasakindofmothertome,butI’dneveropenedmyhearttoher.I’dneveropenedmyhearttoanywomanuntilNoahshowedup.Butstill,JanineandIwereclose.
“Nicholas,whatareyoudoinghere?”sheaskedwithasmile.Shewasathinwomanoversixty.Myfatherheldontoherbecauseshewasashardworkingandloyalastheycame,anditwasn’teasydealingwithmyfatheratwork.Iknew—Iwasinterningathispractice.
“Hey,Janine,IneedtotalktoDad.Isheinameeting?”Iasked,tryingtokeepmyselffromburstingin.
“No,youcangoahead.He’slookingoverthisafternoon’scase.”Iheadedstraightbackandopenedthedoorwithoutknocking.Myfather’sdark-blueeyeslookedupfromhisdocumentsandstraightatme.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”heaskedmesternly.Heneversaidhello;thatwasahabitofhis.
“I’mheretotalktoyouaboutNoah.AndaboutRaffaella,tobeprecise.”Istoodthereinfrontofhisluxuriousdesk,hopinghe’dbesincerewithmeforonceinhislife.“Doyouknowaboutwhatherbastardex-husbanddid?”
Afterstaringatmeamoment,myfatherpushedasidehisdocuments,stood,walkedtothebar,andpouredhimselfaglassofcognac.
“How’dyoufindout?”heasked.
Soheknew.Thatdidn’tparticularlysurpriseme.Thatwasn’tthekindofthingyoucouldkeephiddentoolong.
“Noahfreaksoutifshe’sinaroomwiththelightsoff.Theotherdayshealmosthadapanicattack.Whenshecalmeddown,shetoldme.”Thememoryofwhatthosefuckershaddonetoherenragedme,butIkeptcalm.“Dad,doyouknowwhatthatsonofabitchdid?Noahalmostdied…Apieceofglassstabbedherinthestomach.Shemightnotevenbeabletohavekids.”
“Iknow,”hesaid,sittingdownwithanexpressionofgriefonhisface.
“Youdo?”Istartedpacingangrilythroughtheroom.“Herownmotherleftheralonewithanabuser!Raffaella’sasmuchtoblameasheis,”Ishoutedinimpotentrage.
“Nicholas,I’mnotgoingtoletyoutalkaboutmywifethatway.Youhavenoideawhatshe’sbeenthroughorhowmuchsheregretsleavingherdaughterthere…Shedidn’thavealifelikeours.Shedidn’thavemoneyoranyonetohelpherfightforherchild.Shesufferedthatman’sabuseforyears.Herbodyisamapofscars…SoIwon’tletyou—”
“Noahwasalittlegirl,Dad!”Iinterruptedhim.“ForGod’ssake!Shehadtojumpoutawindow!Heshouldbedead,thatsonofabitch!”
“Nicholas,sitdown.There’ssomethingyouneedtoknow.”Hemotionedatthechairinfrontofhim.
Insteadofsittingdown,Istoodbehindit.Ashebroughthisdrinktohislips,Iwishedhe’dpouredoneforme.
“Amonthago,hegotparoled,”hesaid.Mybodytensedasmybraintriedtoassimilatethosewords.“It’sbeensixyearssincetheysentencedhim.IfRaffaellahadpressedchargesforabuseearlier,hemighthavegottenmoretime,buthewasonlysentencedforhiscrimesagainstNoah…Shewashurt,buttheworstofitwaswhenshejumpedoutthewindowandashardofglassinjuredher.Hewasn’tblamedforthat.Itseemshehadfriendsinhighplacesandgothissentencereduced.WhatI’mtryingtotellyouis,he’sout,andRaffaella’sscaredhe’lltrytogetintouchwithher.Ifoundoutnotlongago,andIwasangry.Sheshouldhavetoldmebefore.Weneedtokeepoureyesopenforanythingstrange…Idon’tthinkhe’lltryanything,butI’mworriedstill.Raffaella’sterrified.She’sbeenhavingnightmareseverynight,andshedoesn’twantNoahtoknowhe’sgottenout.Youneedtokeepthesecret.”
“Howcanhebeout?Youcan’tdoanything?”Iasked,feelingdeeplyunsettled.Thatmadmancouldbetryingtohuntdownhiswifeanddaughterthatverymoment,andIdidn’tknowhowNoahwouldreactifshesawthemanfromhernightmaresagain.
“Itriedtogetajudgetofilearestrainingorder,butsincewedon’thaveanyevidenceofhimtryinganything,it’sbeenimpossible.Probablywe’reoverthinkingit.He’sinanothercountry.IdoubthewouldcomeallthewaytoAmerica.Still,weshouldkeeponourtoes,especiallyforElla’ssake…”
“Agreed.Youtakecareofyourwife,andI’lltakecareofNoah,”Isaid,servingmyselfadrinkfromthebar.
Icouldfeelhimstaringintomefrombehind.
“Son…pleasetellmeyouhaven’thookedupwithyourstepsister,”hesaid,closinghiseyes.
Shit…wasitthatobvious?
“Ijustwanttotakecareofher,Dad,”Isaid,downingmydrinkinonego.
“Look,Idon’tknowwhatyoutwohavegotgoingon,andIdon’twanttoknow,butplease,Ibegyou,don’tdoanythingidiotic.It’shardenoughtokeepRaffaellafromlosinghermindwithwhat’sgoingon.ThelastthingIneedistolearnyou’rehotforyourstepsister.”
Ihatedhimtreatingourrelationshipsoblithely.
“I’mnothotforher,Dad…Iloveher.AndIpromiseyou,Iwon’tletanyonelayafingeronher.”
Henodded.
“Becareful,Nicholas.”
Ilefttheoffice,andjustasIdid,myphonerang:Noah.
“What’sup?”Iasked.Shewassupposedtobeinclass.Whatthehellwasshedoingcallingme?
“Nick…you’vegottocomegetme,”shesaidinastrangevoice.
“Why?Areyouokay?”Iasked,gettingintheelevatorandgoingdown.
“It’sjust…Theysuspendedmefortherestoftheday.”
IsmiledasIpickedherupoutfrontoftheschool.Sheranovertomycar,soadorableIcouldn’thelpbutkissherevenbeforeshetoldmeanythingaboutwhathadhappened.
“Youthrewastrawberryshakeatherhead?”Iasked,cackling.“Forreal?”
“Idon’tknowwhathappened,”sheadmitted.“ButIdon’tcare,either.Shedeservedit.Don’tjudgeme.IhadsomethinginsidemeIhadtoletout.”Sheputonherseatbelt,andIpulledout,laughing.
“Youthinkanyonewillbehome?”Iaskedaminutelater.
“Probably.Why?”
“BecauseIwanttomakelovetoyousobadrightnow,IthinkI’mgoingtoexplode.”Iwantedherwithanintensitythatfrightenedme.Iputahandonherthighandstartedpushingupherskirt.Herskinwassoft.
“Twocanplayatthatgame,right?”shesaid,andittookalltheself-controlIhadnottocrashintothecarinfrontofme.Noahundidherseatbeltandcameclose.Herhandrestedonmykneewhilesheplantedherlipsonmyneck.
“Comeon,now,Freckles,”IsaidwhenIfelthertongueonmyear.“Ican’tdriveanddothisatthesametime.”
“Youstartedit.”Herhandglidedupmylegwhileshenibbledatmyneckandjaw.
Istoppedherhandwhenitgottowhatitwaslookingfor.
“Getout,”Iorderedher,eyesburningwithdesire.
“IthinkI’llpass.Thelasttimeyoutoldmethat,youleftmestandinginthemiddleoftheroad.”
“GetoutorI’lldoyourighthere,”Ithreatenedher.
Shereturnedtoherseat.WhenIsawshewasn’tlistening,Igotoutmyself,walkedaroundtoherdoor,andpulledherout.
“You’renotthinkingofdoingithere?”sheasked,lookingatthecliffandtheseasidebehindus.
Iignoredherandpushedherintothedoorofthecar,forcinghertowrapherlegsaroundme.
Shearchedherbackandclosedhereyes.Ikissedherear,herjaw,anywheretherewasbareskin.Iwantedtoseeher,andwithonehandIunbuttonedhershirtcompletely.
“DidItellyouhowmuchthisuniformturnsmeon?”IsaidasIkissedherbreasts.
“Youandeveryotherguyonearth,”shesighed.
Noahandhersarcasticsenseofhumor.Isqueezedhertighter,andshesighedloudernow.Fortunately,wewerealone.
“NowI’mgoingtomakeyoumineagain,”Isaid,lookingherintheeye.
“Youaremine,andI’myours,”shesaid,returningmystare.“Iloveyou,Nick.”
“AndIloveyou,Precious,”Isaid,sinkingintoherandenjoyinghowsherespondedtome.“Iloveyoulikecrazy,”Isaid,asIclutchedhertightlyandweattainedthemostprofoundpleasureknown.
Wespenttherestofthedayatthebeach,lyingonthesandandgettingtoknoweachotherbetter.
“Whogaveyouyourfirstkiss?”sheasked,lyingonherbellywithherheadrestingonherhands.Shewasyoung;shewasbeautiful.Ihadtostrugglenottotouchhereverysecond.
“You,obviously,”Iresponded,watchingthewindtousleherhairandthesunreddenhercheeks,makingherfrecklesmorevisible.
Sherolledhereyes.
“I’mserious,”shesaid,ignoringalockofhairthatkeptblowingintohereyes.Istretchedmyhandoutandtuckeditbehindherear.
“Youreallywanttoknow?”Iasked.“Fine,butyou’regoingtolaugh…ItwasJenna.”
“No!”Hereyeswidenedlikesaucers.“Noway!Areyouserious?”
“Wewerekids,shewasmyneighborandonlyfriend,andwejustwantedtoseewhatitfeltlike…Ithoughtitwasweird,shethoughtitwasgross,andshesaidshe’dneverdoitagain.”
Noahcrackedup.Iwashappytoknowithadn’tbotheredher.Thatkisshadmeantnothingtome:Jennawasmyfriend,oneofmyonlytruefriends.
“Whataboutyou?”Iaskedher,uncomfortable,notwantingtoimagineNoahinanyotherguy’sarms.
“Well,whenIdiditIwasn’tthatlittle,soIdidn’tswearI’dneverdoitagain…Actually,Ilikedit.”
“Sowhowasitwiththen?”MyattitudewasalittlemoreseriousthanIwouldhaveliked,butsheeitherignoredordidn’tnoticemytone.
“Itwaswiththelifeguardfromthepublicpool…Hewassuperhot,andwehookedupintheemergencyroom.”
Igrabbedherandpulledherontopofme.
“Soyoulikedit,huh?”Isaid,trappinghersoshecouldn’tmove.
“Ilovedit,”sheadmitted,andIrealizedshewasmakingfunofme.
“Youliketorturingme?”
“Honestly,Ithinkit’shilarious,yeah,”sheadmitted,smilingandmakingmekissheruntilwewerebothoutofbreath.
“I’mgoingtohavetoteachyouwhatitmeanstoactuallytorturesomeone,”Isaid,bringingmylipsclosetohersbutwithouttouching.Islippedmyhanddownherleg,watchingthedesiregrowinsideher.Whenmyfingerswereinthepitofherknee,IstoppedandthenbroughtthembackupherthighwhilemyotherhandunbuttonedhershirtandIkissedthesoftskinofherstomach.
ThenIstoodup,leavinghertherewithhercheeksflushed,dyingfromunfulfilledlongings.IttookherafewsecondstorealizewhatIwasdoing.Shelookedatmelikeanabandoneddog.
“Whatthehell?”sheasked,exasperated.
“Likethis,you’llthinktwicebeforeyoutrytomakemejealousagain.”Itwasalmostimpossiblenottofinishwhatwe’dstarted,butIwouldn’t;Iwashavingtoomuchfun.
Slack-jawed,shestartedbuttoninghershirtagain.
“You’rethesamedickheadyoualwayswere,”shegrumbled,gettingup,grabbingheblanket,andwalkingofftothecar.IchuckledasIadmiredherlonglegsandherhairflappinginthewind.
Beforeshecouldmakeitthere,Ibroughtherbackandkissedherdeeply.Icouldn’tstayapartfromheranylonger;afewminuteswasmymaximum.Irubbedmylipsagainsthers,butshekepthermouthclosed,hesitant,notlettingmeslipmytongueinuntilI’dlickedandveneratedher.Whenshegavein,Irespondedwiththebestkissever…akissworthyofremembering,notlikethatkissfromthatidiotlifeguard.43Noah
Iwasscaredofhowfastthingsweremoving.AfterallthathadhappenedwithDan,fallinginloveagainhadn’tenteredintomyplans.ButthereIwas,wildaboutmystepbrother,thelastguyIcouldeverhaveimaginedhavingarelationshipwith.MaybeitwouldhavebeeneasierifI’dfalleninlovewithsomeonelikeMario,butIknewthatwouldn’thaveworked.EversinceI’dtoldhimwecouldjustbefriends,he’dcompletelyditchedme.ObviouslyIwasn’tinterestingenoughforhim.WithNick,everythingwasexcitement.Hemademefeelhappy;Ihadnocomplaints.ItscaredmehowbadlyIwantedtobewithhim;evenwhenwewerejustseparatedforalittlebit,Isufferedfromhisabsence,whichworriedme.Icouldn’tkeepmylegsfromtremblingwhenIsawhim,letalonewhenhekissedmeorwemadelove.Iwasonacloud,andifithadn’tbeenforthethreateningletters,Iwouldhavebeenthehappiestpersonontheglobe.
IknewIcouldn’tkeepthemasecretforever,butIdidn’twanttomentionmyfather’snameinfrontofmymother.She’dsufferedfromthatman’sabuseasmuchasormorethanIhad,andnowthatshewashappilymarried,Ididn’twanttostirupthosememories,butwhatelsecouldIdo?Myfatherwasinjail,foralongtime,anditwaspracticallyimpossiblethathewoulddoanythingtome.ThatmeantRonniehadtobebehindallthis.He’dfoundoutaboutmydarkpastsomehowandhadbroughtallthisuptoscaremeandhitmewhereithurt.AndtheonlypersoncapableofdealingwiththatsituationwasNicholas.
Thatnight,afterapartyweweregoingtoasacouple—thefirsttimewe’ddoneso—Iwasgoingtotellhim.He’dbeclimbingupthewallsandwouldupbraidmefornottellinghimbefore,butI’dbeenscaredofhisreactionandscaredofwhatthatgangsterRonniemightdo.
ItriedtoconcealmymoodwhenwearrivedatNick’sfraternitypartyandsmiledwidelywhenhecamearoundtoopenmydoor.Sinceourrelationshiphadbegun,he’dtransformed:theNicholaswho’dusedtosaygirlscouldopentheirowndoorhaddisappeared,andatruegentlemanhadtakenhisplace.Ididn’tneedallthoseold-fashionedgestures,butIlikedknowingIwastheonlypersonwhoreceivedthem.
“HaveItoldyouhowhardit’sgoingtobetokeepmyhandsoffyoutonight?”heaskedme,notlettingmeoutforamoment.Itwaschillyout,andthetightblackdressIwaswearinghadn’tbeenthemostpracticalchoice.
Ilookedupathim,admiringthosebrighteyesandtheirlongblacklashes.Igotlostinthemandthewarmthanddesiretheyconcealed.NicholasLeisterwasthespittingimageofaCalvinKleinmodel,andnowhewasallmine.
“Well,you’regoingtohaveto,”Isaid,wrappingmyhandsaroundhisneckandplayingwithhishair.Itwashardtokeepmyhandsoffthatsplendidbody,too.“Youknoweveryone’sgoingtobestaringatus,right?”
“Thenthey’llknowyou’remine,”hesaid,bendingoverandkissingme.Everytimehedidit,Ilostthethreadofmythoughts.Nicholaswastheonewhoalwaystooktheinitiative,andforme,nothingcouldbehotter.Thereinthedarkness,justhisfingersonmywaistmadeeverythinginsidemequake.Slowly,histonguemadeitswaythroughmylips,avidtocaressminewithslow,sensualmovements,nothinglikethefranticwaywe’dbeenkissinglately.IfeltlikeIwasmelting.
“Let’sgohome,”hesaid,pullingawayforasecond.WhenIsawhowbadhewantedme,anyworriesaboutthecoldvanished.Ismiled.
“Ourparentsarehome,”Itoldhim.We’dbarelymanagedtobetogetherthatpastweek.Mymotherhadn’tleftmeinpeace—shewasconstantlytalkingtome,tryingtogetmetohangoutwithher—andWilliamhadneededNicktobeathisofficealmostfull-time.Theyseemedtobeplottingtokeepusapart.
Nickgrunted,“I’mgoingtohavetofindaplaceofmyown.”Ifroze.
What?
“I’vebeenlookingforafewweeks.Nowthatwe’retogether,Ithinkit’sagoodidea.I’manadult,andmystipendatthefirmisenoughtopayforsomethingdecent.Thatway,wewon’thavetoworryaboutourparents.”
Theoretically,Nicholasmovingwouldbeforthebest.Livingwithyourboyfriendandyourparentsinthesamehousewasweird,uncomfortable,butthemerethoughtofnothavinghimthereeverymorning,notseeinghimbeforeIwenttobed,notknowingthathewasattheotherendofthehall,mademebitterandafraid.Ifeltsaferknowinghewasjustaroomaway,especiallyafterRonniehadbeenthreateningme…
“Idon’twantyoutogo,”Isaid.Iwasbeingirrationalbutsincere.
“Youwantustokeephavingtohide,notevenabletotoucheachother?”hesaid,rubbinghishandinacircleonmyback.“Youknow,myfatherknowsaboutus.Hewon’tputupafightaboutmegoing,andthenwecouldhaveallthetimewewantedtogether.Wecouldstopthewholebrother-sisteractifweweren’tsleepingnextdoortoeachother.Yourmothercouldevendealwithit,Ithink,ifsheknewitwasn’thappeningafewfeetfromherroom.”
“Iknow,”Isaid,pullinghimclose,“but…don’tdoityet.Idon’twantyoutogo.”Iknewitsoundeddesperate,butIdidn’tcare.
Consternated,heasked,“What’sgoingon,Noah?”HeseemedtoknowIwashidingsomething.
Ishookmyheadandforcedasmile.
“Nothing,nothing…I’mfine,Ijustlikehavingyouathome,that’sall.”Whichwaskindoftrue.
Kissingmeontopofthehead,hesaid,“Me,too.Don’tworry.We’vegottimetotalkthisover.Weshouldgoinside.Youmustbefreezing.”
Inodded,andwewalkedinside.Thispartywaspacked,justlikealltheoneswe’dbeento.Thereweresoftflickeringlightsandpeopledancinganddrinkinginthenear-darkness.WesoonfoundJennaandLion.Nickdraggedmeofftothekitchen,whereitwasalittlecalmer.Someguyswereplayingbeerpong.NickandLionjumpedin.
Jennawashappytoseeustogether,andforthefirsttimeinages,Ifeltlikeapartoftheirscene.Iknewalmosteveryonethere,andevenifsomepeopleweregivingmedirtylooksbecauseofwhathadhappenedattheraces,mostofthemseemedhappyIwasthere.
Wehadagreatnight.Ididn’tdrinkmuch.Iwasoverthat—Ididn’tneedto—withNick,Ifeltcalmandsecure.Plus,Ihadn’treceivedanylettersformorethanaweek.ButIgotnervouswhenIwenttocheckthetimeandrealizedIhadnoideawheremyphonewas.
Shit.
Ilookedthroughmybagandinspectedthelivingroom,whereI’dspentmostofthenight.Jennawasinthebathroom;Nickwascompletelyimmersedinhisgameofbeerpong.
ProbablyithadfallenoutofmybagwhenIwasgettingoutofthecar.ThatwasthelastthingIneeded—losingmyphoneandhavingtospendwhatlittlemoneyIhadonanewone.
IwalkedoutsideandturnedthecornertowhereNick’scarwasparked.ThemusicfromthepartydieddownasIcontinueddownthestreet.Itwasfreezingout,theskywasblanketedinclouds,andIrealizedIwasprobablygoingtoseeraininLosAngelesforthefirsttime.Imissedthat.Ilovedthesun,butI’dgrownupinaplacewhererainandcoldweretheorderoftheday.
Ilookedaroundthegrassnexttothecarbutdidn’tfindanything.IwasabouttogobacktothehouseandaskNickforthekeyssoIcouldseeifI’ddroppedmyphoneinsidethecar,butIheardsomeonebehindme.
Irrationalfearovertookme.IhadthesenseIwasbeingwatched.Iturnedaroundbutsawnothingotherthantheeveningshadows.Heartpounding,breathinghard,Istartedtowalkback,butthenthepersonemergedfromhishidingplace.ItwasRonnie.
“What’stherush,bae?”heasked,asmileonhisgrotesquelips.
Istopped.IwasreadytoscreamifIhadto,orsoIthought,butthefearthathadovertakenmewassopowerfulthatIwasn’tsureifanysoundwouldcomeoutifItried.
“Idon’tknowwhatyouwant,Ronnie,butifyoutakeonesteptowardme,I’llstartshriekinglikeabanshee,”Isaid,unabletoconcealthepanicbehindmywords.
“There’ssomeonewhowantstoseeyou,Noah.You’renotjustgoingtoleavehimhanging,areyou?Yougothisletters,right?”
Itriedtoturnaroundandfelthandsgrabbingmefrombehind,coveringmylipsbeforeIcouldmakeasound.
“IfIwereyou,I’dtrytobehave,”Ronniesaid,comingcloseastwomenimmobilizedme.“Yourpapa’swaitingforyou…andwebothknowheain’tapatientman.”Hegesturedtothetwomenbehindme.
TheyliftedmeupwhileIthrashedaroundandtrieduselesslytoescape.Theystuffedadamp,stinkingraginmymouthandcovereditwithducttape.ThelastthingIrememberseeingwasthefaceofmyfather,thesamemanwho’dalmostkilledme.44Nick
Ihadn’tseenNoahintwentyminutes,andalready,Iwasmissingher.Ilookedaroundandcouldn’tfindheranywhere.
“Jenna,youseenNoah?”Iasked,walkingtoacornerwhereshewasdrinkinganddancing.Shestoppedtolookatme.
“Iwenttothebathroom,andwhenIcameback,shewasn’there.Sophiesaidshewasaskingifanyonehadseenherphone.”
Idecidedtogooutsidetolookforher.Itwasfreezing,andtherewasnoonearound.Ilookedleftandright,eventowardthewoodsbehindus,buttherewasn’tatraceofher.Iwentbackinandcheckedthebedroomwithanuncomfortablepressureinmychest;shewasnowheretobefound.FinallyIcheckedeveryroomonebyone,shoutinghernameanddialingherphone.Nothing.Notasinglesign.
IrandownstairsandfoundJennaandLionbythefrontdoor.
“Idon’tknowwheresheis,”Jennasaid,nowworried.
Ahorriblefearovertookme,andIranaroundthecorner,withJennaandLionclosebehindme.Turningthecorneronthewaytomycar,Isawfootprintsonthegrass.Ifollowedthem,myheartinaknot,andwhenIreachedtheplacewheretheyended,Ifoundherhighheelslyingthereasifthey’dbeenthrowndown.
“Noah!”Ishouteddesperately,lookingfromsidetoside.“Noah!”
JennaandLionshouted,too.Noresponse.
IrememberedRonnie’sthreat.Hadthatsonofabitchtakenhersomewhere?
“Callthecops,”ItoldLionwhenIgotovermypanic.
Lionlookedsurprised,buthetookouthisphone.Ashedialed,wewentbackinside.IwalkedintotheDJboothandmadehimcutthemusic.Everyonehissedandjeered,butIdidn’tgiveashit.“HasanyoneseenNoah?”Ishouted.Igotuponachairandstaredoutatthecrowd,wishingIwouldseeherthereandhatingmyselfforleavingheralone.
Everyonejeeredandshooktheirhead.Igotdownandclutchedmyheadinmyhands.Dammit…Dammit…
“Nicholas,calmdown,”Jennasaid.
“Youdon’tunderstand!”Iscreamed,notcaringifanyoneheard.“Ronnie’sbeenthreateningher.”Justthen,Liongrabbedme.
“Nick,thecops,”hesaid,handingmethephone.“Theywanttotalktosomeonefromherfamily.”
Igrabbeditandputittomyear.
“Mygirlfriend’sdisappeared.Ineedyoutocomerightaway,”Isaid,knowingIshouldcontrolmytonebetterbutunableto.
“Sir,calmdownandexplaintomewhathappened,”thevoiceontheotherlineresponded.Thepersonwascalm,asifweweretalkingabouttheweatherandnottheentirepurposeofmylifesuddenlyvanishing.
“Whathappenedismygirlfrienddisappeared,that’swhat’shappened!”
“Calmdown,sir,we’vealreadysentapatrolcar,andwhentheyarrive,they’llsearchthearea,butfornow,Ineedtoyoutotellmeexactlywhereyousawherforthelasttime.”
Itoldtheoperatorwhathappened,butitwasasifIwereinabubbleandnoneofwhatwashappeningwerereal.
Soonacopcarpulledupandeveryoneinattendancerushedout.Ididn’tcare;Ialreadyknewwhohaddonethis.
“Youare…?”theofficeraskedaftertakingmystatement.Icouldn’tbelievehewasdragginghisfeetlikethis;somethingneededtobedone,andnow.
“I’mNicholasLeister,”Isaidforthesecondtimethatnight.Allthesequestionswereabsurd;whatweneededtodowasgofindRonniewhereverhewasandrescueNoah.
“Soyou’reherboyfriend?”Inodded,impatient,whileJennaandLiontalkedwithtwoothercops.“NoahMorgan…issheaminor?”theofficerinterviewingmeasked.Shit.Ihadn’tthoughtofthat.
“She’sseventeen.Look,she’smystepsister,ourparentsgotmarriedafewmonthsago,andIalreadytoldyou,Iknowwho’sbehindthis.Please,we’rewastingtimeandtheycouldbehurtingher.”
Thecopfrownedatme.
“Tostartwith,you’renotimmediatefamily,sowedon’tneedtotellyouanything.WhatI’mgoingtoaskofyouisthatyoucallherparentsorlegalguardianandinformthemofwhathappened.Thelawsayswecan’tfileamissingpersonreportfortwenty-fourhours,so—”
“Areyounotlisteningtome?”Ishouted,losingmynerve.“She’sbeenkidnapped.Nowstopfuckingaroundanddosomething!”
Ididn’trealizehowcloseI’dgottentohimuntilhegrabbedmeandslammedmeagainsthiscar.
“CalmdownorI’mgoingtohavetoarrestyou,”hesaid.
Icursedbetweenmyteethuntilheletmego.
“NowcallyourparentsorI’lldoitmyself,”hesaid,puffingouthischestandtryingtointimidateme.
Iturnedaround,tookoutmyphone,anddialed.Dadpickeduponthefourthring.
“Dad…Ineedyoutocome.Something’shappened.”
Fourhourslater,wewerebackathome.NobodyknewwhereNoahwas,buttherewerepeoplemillingallaroundandplugginginmachinestotraceourcallsincasehercaptorstriedtogetintouchwithus.WilliamLeisterwasn’tanobody,andwhenhisstepdaughterdisappeared,thefirstthingpeoplethoughtwasthatitwasakidnappingforransom.I’dalreadytoldtendifferentcopstwohundredtimesaboutRonnie’sthreats,butwhatIdidn’tknowwasthatthey’dfoundthethreateninglettersinNoah’sdeskdrawer.WhenIrealizedherfatherwastheonewho’dkidnappedher,Inearlylostcontrol.
Iwasadisaster;Icouldn’tbelievewhatwashappening.They’dhadtogiveRaffaellaatranquilizerwhenshe’dfoundout,andnowshewasinoneofthebedroomswithafriendtryingtocalmherdown.Myfatherwasonthephonethewholetime,talkingtocopsandofficials.AllIcoulddowassmokeonecigaretteafteranotherandtrytoignorethehundredsofhorribleimagesflashingthroughmyhead.
LionandJennahadcomeover,Jenna’sparents,too,butIhadnoideawhattheywereupto.Itwaspastfiveinthemorning,andnoonehadheardanything.
“Ifsomethinghappens,I’llneverforgivemyself,”Isaid,almosthyperventilating.“Allthisismyfault…Dammit!Whydidn’tshetellme?”
“Nick,ifNoahdecidedtocoverthisup,shehadherreasons,”Jennasaid.“I’vebeenherfriendforamonth,andIhadnoideaherfatherwasinjail,letalonethathewasanabuser.”
“Ifhelaysahandonher…”Isaid,hearingmyownvoicecrack.Icouldn’tjustsittheredoingnothing.Iwantedtobeatmyheadagainstthewall,anything,justtogetmylifetogobacktowhereithadbeenearlierthatweek.I’dbeenhappyforthefirsttimeinyears,andallofitwasthankstothatincrediblegirlwhoforsomereasonhadchosenme…JustimaginingRonnietouchingherturnedmystomach.IknewRonniewasinonthis.I’dbetmylifeonit.
Justthen,thephonestartedtoring.Everyonewasrunningaroundlikecrazy.IwenttoDad’soffice,whereeveryonefellsilentwhilehepickedupthephonewhenthepolicemotionedforhimtodoso.Thespeakerwason,soeverywordoftheconversationwasaudible.
“Leister,”heanswered.
“Mr.Leister…it’sanhonorspeakingwithyou,”saidavoiceI’dneverheardbefore.Itwasdeep,cheerful,asifallthiswereamusing.“ThemanwhotookmywifeanddaughtertotheotherendofthecontinentsoIcouldn’tfindthem.You’reanintelligentman,yessiree.Otherwise,youwouldn’thaveyourbusinessempireandmywifewouldhaveneversparedathoughtforyou.”
IlookedtotheleftandsawRaffaellacoveringhermouthwithherhand,repressinghertears,andshakingherhead.
“Where’sNoah?”myfatheraskedinatensevoice.
“We’llgettothat.Buthonestly,thelocationofmydaughterisn’tyourconcern,Mr.Leister.Allyouneedtoworryaboutishowmuchmoneyyoucancomeupwithtogetbackapersonwhohonestlyisn’tevenpartofyourfamily.”
Myfatherlookedoveratme.
“I’llpaywhateverittakes,youbastard,butdon’tyoudarelayafingeronher.”ThatwasexactlywhatIwouldhavesaid,andIfeltgratefultohim.
“Amilliondollarsinusedbillsintwobackpacks,tobehandedoverbyyouinpersonatmidday,”Noah’sfathersaid.“Ifyouscrewthisup,I’llleavetheconsequencestoyourimagination.Andcomealone,Mr.Leister—that’sanorder.”
“Iwanttotalktoher,”myfathersaidtensely.“Ineedtoknowshe’sallright.”
“Ofcourse,Mr.Leister.”
Iheardherasecondlater.
“Nicholas…”Thatwasallshesaid.Shesoundedhorrible.Icouldn’thelptakingastepforwardwhenIheardherontheotherline.
Butrightthen,itwentdead.45Noah
Iwokeupdizzyandwithaterribleheadache.AllIcouldseewhenIlookedaroundwasasoftredlight.IntheroomwheretheywerekeepingmewasnothingbutthebedIwaslyingonandasimplechairinthecorner.Thesmellwasawful,likeratpiss.Musiccomingfromoutside,asinadanceclub,madeitimpossibletohearanythingbutmyacceleratedbreathingandtherapidpoundingofmyheart.
WhenIrealizedwhathadhappened,Istartedpanicking.Afamiliarwhistlingsoundranginmyears,andI’dswearIcouldhearthebloodpumpingthroughmybody.Therewasabittertasteinmymouth,andIwasdesperateforaglassofcoldwater.Whateverthey’ddruggedmewithwasstillaffectingme.Isatupandheardtheclinkingofchains:oneofmyhandswascuffedtothewall.Itriedtogetout,butinvain.Strugglingtocalmdown,IthoughtofhowImightescape.I’dneverfoundmyphone,soIcouldn’tcommunicatewithanyone.Whatscaredmethemostwastheknowledgethatmyfatherwasbehindallthis.
Thiscouldn’tbehappening.Myfatherwasinjail,andevenifhe’dgottenout,itwasridiculoustoimaginethefirstthinghe’ddoiscomelookingformymotherandmeandkidnapme.Butthatwaswhathe’ddone.Ijerkedandjerkedagainstthechain,makingaracket,hatingthetearsthatcloudedmyeyes.HowhadIbeensostupid?Whydidn’tItakethosethreatsseriously?Whyhadn’tItoldNicholas?
Nick.
Hemusthavebeengoingcrazyjustthenandblaminghimselfforeverything.I’dhavegivenanythingtogobackintimetostaybyhissideinsteadofleavingthathousealone.
Whenpeoplewereinextremesituations,wealwaysthoughtaboutthethingswewishedwe’dsaidtothepeopleweloveorhowstupidwe’dbeenforworryingaboutidioticlittlethingsnowthatweknewhowdangerouslifecouldactuallybe.I’dbeenkidnapped.Thatwassomethingtoreallybeworriedabout.
Iheardsomeoneopenthedoor,andRonnieappeared,causingmetoshiverfromheadtotoe.
“Good.You’reawake,”hesaid,closingthedoorbehindhim.Thescantlightwasstillbrightenoughtoseehisdarkeyes,hislips,hisshavedscalp.Icouldevenseethenewtattoounderhisrighteye:ahorrifyingsnake.Hewalkedoverslowlyandsatbesidemeonthebed.IpulledawayfromhimasmuchasIcouldinthetinyspaceavailabletome
“Igottatellyou,itsureturnsmeonseeingyouchainedupinthisbedandcompletelyatmymercy,”hesaid,eyeingmeuplustily.IcursedthehourwhenI’ddecidedtoputonthattightdress,butnowallIcoulddowastrytocontrolmybreathingandmyfear.“Idon’tknowifyouknowthis,butyougotabangin’body.”Herestedahandonmybareankle.Itriedtopushitaway,buthepressedmeintothemattress.
Hecoulddoanythinghewantedtome.
“Youknowwhat?WhenIdecidedtoraceagainstyou,itnevercrossedmymindyoumightbethedaughterofaNASCARdriver.Iwaspissedwhenyoubeatme.IfIrememberright,youtoldmeIwasadumbassandIshouldlearnhowtodrive.”
Hishandclimbedupmyleg.
“Don’ttouchme,”Iorderedhim,unabletogetaway.IwishedthiswasalljustanightmareandIwouldwakeupinNick’sarms.
“Well,thisdumbassisabouttogethisrevengeforthatnight,bae,”hesaid.Bynow,hishandwasonmythigh.Ishiftedaside,buthegotontopofme,andIstruggledunderhiships.Tearswererunningdownmycheeks.“I’llbetyourlittleboyfriendwon’teventakeonelookatyouonceI’mdone.I’mgonnatearthatthingupsobadhewon’twantitback.”
“Help!”Ishouteddesperately,tryingtogethimoffme.Helaughed,holdingmedownwithonehandwhilehetookoffhisbeltwithanother.
“Can’tnoonehearyou,stupid.Noonewhocares,anyway,”hesaid,leaningdownandrunninghistongueovermybreasts.
Iturnedmyheadawayindesperation.
“Don’ttouchme!”Ishrieked.
Hegrabbedmearoundtheneckandpushedmedownintothemattresswithonehand,andwiththeother,hepulledupmydress.
“No!”Ishrieked,nearlytearingmyvocalcords.“Letmego!”
Thehandaroundmynecksqueezedtighter,andIcouldhardlybreathe.
“I’mgonnaputitinyoueverywhichway,andyou’regonnastayniceandquiet,”hehissed,bringinghisfaceclosetomine.Whenhedidso,hisgripsoftenedjustenoughformetoscream:
“Getmeoutofhere!”
Thenthedooropened.Theflickeringredlightfromoutsidefilledtheroom,andwhatIsawthenscaredmeevenmorethanmywould-berapist:myfatherwasthere,lookingterrifying.
“That’senough.Scram,”saidthatvoicethathadpetrifiedmeasalittlegirl,thevoicethathadthreatenedmymotherthousandsoftimesandthatstillpursuedmeinmydreams—theonlyvoiceI’dheardthatnightIwasbeatennearlytodeath,thevoicethathauntedmeasIhadescapedthroughthewindow…
Ronniecursed,andbeforegettingup,heslappedmeacrosstheface.ItwassoquickIdidn’tseeitcoming,anditstung.
“Nah,nowit’senough,”hesaid,gettinginmyfather’sfaceandthenwalkingout.
Myfatherdidn’tsayaword,juststoodthereinthedoorwaywatching.OnlyafteramomentdidIdarelookup.He’dchanged…Hishairusedtobeblondlikemine.Nowitwaswhiteandcutveryshort.Hisarmsweretwiceasbigasbeforeandcoveredintattoos.Whateverhe’dbeendoingthosepastfewyearshadchangedhisappearanceentirely.HewasnowevenscarierthanRonnie.
Myfathershutthedoorbehindhim,grabbingthechairinthecornerandturningitaround,sittingwithhisarmsproppedonthebackrest.
“Yousurehavegrown,Noah.It’s…incrediblehowmuchofyourmotherIseeinyou.”
AllthefearandpressureI’dfeltwhenhewasnearhadreturnedaftersixyears.
“Thenighttheyarrestedme,”hesaid,staringmestraightintheeye,“Ilostabsolutelyeverything…anditwasallyourfault.WhatIstillcan’tfigureoutishowalittlegirlmanagedtodothattome.NotevenyourmothercouldstopmewhenItookmyfrustrationsoutonher…Butwithyou,itwasalwaysdifferent.Youweremylittlegirl.Ilovedyou.IpromisedmyselfI’dneverhurtyou.Youweren’tlikeyourmother.Youwereafighter.You’dmakesureyourvoicewasheard.”
“Whatdoyouwant?”Iasked,tryingtocontrolthesobsrisinginmythroat
“Whateverymaninthisworldwantsmost,Noah,”herespondedwithahorriblesmileonhislips.“YoutookeverythingIhad…yourmother,myhome,myfreedom…Iwantmoney,thesamemoneythat’ssupportingmyfamilyrightnow.Ithoughtitwouldbehardtofindyouall,buttheonlythingittookwaslookingthatbastardupontheinternet,andthereyouwere,allstandingtherelikeahappyfamily.WhenIgothere,Ifiguredoutyournewbrotherdidn’trunwiththehighestclassofpeople.Iwasfollowinghim,andIsawhimandRonniegetintoafightinabar.Afterthat,allIhadtodowastellthekidmyplanandhewasin.”
Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwashearing.Myfatherwascrazy.Prisonhaddamagedhim.
“I’mgoingtogeteverythingIcanoutofthatscumbagwhostolemywife,nottomentionthatlittleshitwho’sbeenfeelingyouupallweek.”
Sohehadbeenfollowingme…I’dthoughtitwasmyimagination,butnowIknewIwasright.They’dbeenplanningthisforsometime,andmyfatherhadtorturedmewiththoseletters,knowinghescaredmemorethananythingintheworld.
Ilookedatthefaceofthemanwhohadgivenmelifebutnothingmore.Ihatedhim,Ihatedhimwitheveryfiberofmybeing…IfIeverhadlovedhim,thatlovehadvanishedthemomenthe’dlaidhandsonme.
“WilliamLeister’sathousandtimesthemanyouare.You’reworthless,Youthinkyou’respecialbecauseyoucanbeatupawoman?Ihateyou!Andyou’resostupid,I’llbettheonlythingyou’llgetoutofthisisanothertriptojail,whereyoushouldspendtherestofyourmiserablelife.”
Ididn’tevenstoptobreathe.Ididn’tcarewhathedidtome.Foramoment,hejustsatthereandlistened,andhisfaceshowedasuccessionoffeelingsthatfinallyendedinrage.
Hegotupandslappedmeacrosstheface.Itstung,butIwasn’tgoingtolethimknowthat.Ineverthoughthe’dtouchmeagain,butevennowthatsixyearshadpassedandI’dgonetoanothercountry,he’dfoundmeandwaspunishingmeagain.
Thesecondblowcamerightafterward,splittingmylip.Icouldfeeltheblooddraindownmychin.
“Don’topenyourdamnmouthagain,”hesaid,turningaroundandwalkingout.Mynerveswerefrayed,andnow,thetearsstartedtoflow.
Idon’tknowhowmuchtimepassed,butthephysicalandmentalexhaustionofthepreviousfewhoursmademefallasleep.ThenIwasshakenawakeandsomethingwasstucktomyear.
“Talk,”myfathersaidinarage.
TherewasonlyonepersonIwouldhavegiveneverythingtobewithjustthen.I’ddreamedofhim,andthemerethoughtthathemightbelisteningmademewanttocryuntilIhadnostrengthleft.Ineededhim.Iwantedhimtosaveme,tobreakthroughthatdoorandwrapmeinhisstrongarms.Iwantedhim,himandnooneelse.
“Nicholas,”Iwhispered.Asecondlater,theytookthephoneawayandleftmealone.46Nick
Iwasdesperate.Icouldn’ttakethepressureaminutemore.ThatfearburningmeinsidewassointensethatIwantedtotearmyownheartouttokeepitfromaching.TherehadtobesomethingIcoulddo;wecouldn’tjustletthatbastardtakethemoneyandmaybenotevengiveusNoahback.SurelytherewassomethingIwasn’tthinkingof,somedetail,butIcouldn’timaginewhat.Dawnwasanhouraway,andIdidn’tknowifIcouldholdoutwithoutgoingtolookforherintownmyself.Myhousewasfullofpeople,andnotoneofthemseemedtoknowwhattodonext.Somesaidmyfathershouldgohandoverthemoneyonhisownwiththepolicefollowingclosebehind.ButwhatifNoah’sbastardfathercaughtonanddecidedtodosomethingtoher?Hewassickinthehead;he’dcrossedacontinentjusttokidnaphisdaughterandaskforaransom.Therewasprobablynothinghewasn’tcapableof.
Igotupfromthechairinmyfather’sofficeandwentupstairs.IneededtobeclosetosomethingNoahhadtouched,smellherclothes,beinherroom.Iwassoscared,Iwouldhavegivenmyownlifetoknowshewasallright.
WhenIopenedthedoor,Isawhermother.Hereyeswereswollenfromsomuchcrying,andshewashuggingoneofthesweatshirtsNoahhadputonamilliontimes.IthadtheDodgers’logoonit.Ididn’tknowwhythehellshehadit,shewasn’tevenfromhere,butthatwasjustNoah:strange,perfect.Anddammit,Ilovedher.Ifanythinghappenedtoher,Iwasn’tsurehowIcouldgoonliving.
Raffaellalookedoverfromthewindowwhereshewasstanding,andforasecond,hereyeslitup.
“Iknowwhatyou’vebeenhidingfromme,”shesaidwithoutanyfeelingwhatsoever.Istopped,unsurehowtoreply.“Idon’tknowwhatyourfeelingsforherare,Nicholas,butNoahismylife.She’ssufferedalot.Shedoesn’tdeservewhat’shappening.”Shebroughtahandtohermouthtosilencehersobs.“It’sbeenyearssinceI’veseenherashappyasshe’sbeenthesepastfewdays.Andnow…allIknowisyouhadsomethingtodowiththat,andIwanttothankyouforit.”
Ishookmyhead,sittingonthefootofthebedindespair.Icouldn’thearthosewords,Icouldn’t,notknowingithadallbeenmyfault…Ihadtakenhertotheraces;itwasmyfaultshe’dmetRonnie,butwhatIcouldn’tunderstandwashowherfatherandthatassholehadgottentogetherandplottedtokidnaptheloveofmylife.
“Noahwasalwaysverymature,eversinceshewasalittlegirl.Shesawthingsapersonshouldneversee,andsheneverbackeddownfromanybody.Withyou,sheseemedlikeadifferentperson.”
Emotionsbeganfloodingoverme.Fear,sorrow,desolation.I’dneverfeltsomiserableinmywholelife.Myeyesgrewmoist,andallIcoulddowasletthetearsflowdownmycheeks.
Raffaellahelpedmeupandwrappedherarmsaroundme.Herhugfeltstrong—thehugofamother.Raffaellamighthavemademistakesinthepast,butshelovedherdaughterandwouldneverabandonher.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,IfeltlikeIhadafamily.
Sheletmego,stillholdingNoah’ssweatshirt,andsteppedback.
Imadeapromisetoher.
“IsweartoyouIwon’tletanythinghappentoher.I’mgoingtofindher.”IsaidthisascalmlyasIcould.
ShenoddedasIturnedaroundandwalkedtomyroom.
Whereareyou,Noah?
Ipacedbackandforthwhilemythoughtsassailedme.NotuntilIsawtheminiaturecarNoahhadgivenmeformybirthdaydidithitme.Igrabbeditandlookedatthenote.
I’msorryaboutyourcar,forreal.Someday,I’llbuyyouanewone.Happybirthday.Noah.
Buymeanewone…Technically,thecarwasstillmine.Itwasregisteredinmyname;Istillhadthetitle.
Whenthathitme,Icouldn’tbelieveit.Iturnedandrandowntomyfather’soffice.Hewasinhischairtalkingtothepoliceandhissecuritychief,Steve.
Icouldn’thelpfeelingexcited.IfIwasright,weweregoingtobeabletofindoutwhereNoahwas.
“Dad,”IsaidasIwentin.HeandSteveturnedtome.Theylookedtiredafterasleeplessnight,butbothwherealertandtense,readyforwhateverhadtohappen.
“Whatisit?”myfathersaid.
“IthinkIknowhowwecanfindher,”Isaid,prayingIwasn’twrong.“Aroundamonthandahalfago,Ilostmycarinabet.It’sablackFerrari.Iboughtittwoyearsago.”
Myfathergrimaced.
“Nicholas,Idon’thavetimeforyourbullshitrightnow,”hereplied,butIignoredhim.
“Ronnietookthecar,”Icontinued,lookingnowatSteve.“Thecar’sgotatrackingchiptheinsurancecompanyinstalledwhenIboughtit.Ifwecanfindthecar…”
Itwassilentforafewseconds.
“ThenwefindNoah,”Stevesaid,finishingmysentence.47Noah
Myentirebodyhurtafternotbeingabletomoveforsomanyhours.I’dnoddedoffafewtimes,butneverformorethanafewminutes.Ididn’tknowwhatwasgoingon,butIknewIneededtogetout.Theincessantpoundingofthemusicinthebackgroundwasexhaustingme,nottomentionthatclaustrophobicroomwithbarelyanylight.
Whenlightstartedshiningthroughthewindow,Istartedtorealizemaybenoonewouldfindme.Andthatmademecryagain.Fearfloodedmybody.
Ronniewasback.Hewasatthefootofthebed.He’dbeentormentingmebyturningofftheredlightoutsidetheroom.He’dleftmeinthedarkforlongminutesthatwerethemostterrifyingofmylife,knowinghewastherewithmeintheblacknessandcoulddowhateverhewantedwithmeandIcouldn’tdefendmyself,couldn’trun.IheardtheechoofhisgigglesinmyheadasIweptandbeggedforhimtoturnonthelight.
Whenheleft,Itriedtocalmdownforalongtime.Themusicoutsidehaddieddown,andallIcouldhernowwasmyownbreathing.Thenanoisecamefromupstairs.Itsoundedlikeacrowdofpeoplewasstompingoverhead.Peopleoutsideshouted,andIheardgunfireandmorevoices.Myheartskippedabeat,andIwentstiff.Myfatherappearedinthedoorway,sweating,withaterrifyinglookonhisface.
Hehurriedoverandfreedmefromthechain.ThenIsawsomethingthatmademejerkaway.HepressedthebarrelofhispistolpainfullyintomyribsandtoldmeasIfroze:
“Don’tyoudaremoveamuscle.”
“Please,”Ibeggedbetweensobs.Thatmanwascapableofanything.
“Shutup!”hecommanded,pushingmetowardthedooranddownalonghallway.Icouldn’tsee,Iwasscared,andIstruggledjusttoputonefootinfrontoftheother.Iwasdefenselessandhadnoideawhattodo.
Hewentonpushingmeuntilwereachedanotherdoor.Icouldtelltherewerepeoplearound,butIdidn’tknowhowfaraway.WhenIheardsomeoneshoutPolice!,myhopewasreborn.ThankGod,they’dfoundme!
Thelightscorchedmyeyesasmyfatherpushedmeoutsideandintoanabandonedparkinglot.Whathedidn’texpectwasthattherewouldbetwentyormorecopsstationedtherewiththeirweaponspointedstraightatus.Myfatherpulledmeintohimandbroughtthepistoluptomytemple.
“Dropthegun!”someoneshoutedintoamegaphone.Tearsrolleddownmyface,andmyeyesrovedthescene,tryingtofindthepersonwhocouldmakeallthismakesense.
“Iftheygetme,I’mtakingyouwithme,littlegirl,”myfatherwhisperedinmyear.
Isaidnothing.MyvoicefailedmeasIlaideyesonhim:Nicholaswasnexttooneofthepolicecars,andwhenhesawme,heshoutedmyname.MymotherandWilliamwerenexttohim,andallIwantedwastobewiththethreeofthemfortherestofmylife.Theyweremyfamily.Iknewthatnow.Afterseeingwhatmyfatherwascapableof,whateverpartofmeblamedmyselfforputtinghiminjailvanishedforever.Hewasn’tmyfather,heneverwouldbe,andIdidn’tneedhim.Ihadamaninmylifewholovedmeaboveallelse,anditwastimeformetolovehimthewayhedeserved.
“Dropyourweaponandputyourhandsonyourhead!”acopshouted,hisvoiceclearoverthecommotion.
“Please…letmego,”Iwhispered.Ididn’twanttodie.Notthisway.Istillhadamillionthingstolivefor.
Thensomethinghappened.Itwasallveryfast.Myfathersaidno,hisweaponclicked,anditpushedharderintothesideofmyhead.Hewasgoingtoshootme,myfatherwasgoingtokillme,andtherewasnothingIcoulddo.Anexplosionmademeclosemyeyes.Iwaitedforthepaintocome…butitneverdid.
Thepowerfularmsthathadbeenholdingmeletmego,andIfelthimfallbesideme.Ilookedright,andallIsawwasred…Bloodspreadacrossthegroundnexttotheinertbodyofthemanwhohadgivenmelife.
ThefirstthingIdidwasturnandtakeoffrunning.
Ididn’tknowwhereexactlyIwasgoing;mymindwasinatrance,completelyblankexceptforonethought:run,run.AndIdidit,andIdidn’tstopuntilmybodystrucksomethinghard.Armswrappedaroundme,andIfeltafamiliarbodyandsmelledacomfortingscent,andallatonce,Iwascalm.
“Oh,God,”Nicksaid,squeezingmeintohim.Heliftedmeofftheground,andknowingIwasinhisarms,IrealizedIwasgoingtobeallright.IwouldneverhavetofearformysafetyaslongasamanlikeNicholaswasthere.Iwouldneverhavetotrembleinfearbecausehe’draisedhisvoice,I’dneverhavetoworryaboutwhatIdidorsaid.Helovedmemorethanhisownlife,andhewouldneverbecapableofputtingahandonme.
Hepushedmeawayslightlytolookatmyface,andIcouldn’thelpbutgrimacefromthepainwhenhetouchedmycrackedlip.
“Noah…”Helookedmeintheeyesashesaidmyname.Isawagonyinhisexpression,reliefattheawarenessIwassafe,blindhatredattheknowledgethatI’dbeenhurt.AllIneededwastofeelhimthere,andIdidn’tcarethatitstungwhenhislipstouchedmine.
“There’llbetimeforthat,babe,”hesaid,cuppingmyface.“Iloveyou,Noah.So,somuch.”
IfeltsomanythingswhenIheardthat.Thetearsreturned,andashakingovertookmylegsastheadrenalinethathadbeenfloodingmybodystartedtodrainaway.Mymothershowedupandsqueezedmetightly,takingmebrieflyawayfromNick.Ihuggedherclose;againIfeltathome,butithurtme,too,knowingshe’dhadtosufferwhenourpasthadcomebackthisway.
“Mybaby,”shesaid,hertearswettingmycheek.“I’msorry,I’msosorry,”shekeptrepeating.
“It’sokay,Mom,”Iassuredher,knowingwhatsheneededmetosay.
Williamwasthere,too.Oureyesmetovermymother’sshoulder.InoddedwhenIsawtearsinhiseyes.Hecameoverandwrappedhisarmscomfortinglyaroundbothofus.
Whenweweredonewiththeembraces,Icouldn’thelpbutlookbackatmyfather.Theywerecarryinghimintoanambulance.He’dbeenhitinthesideofthechest.Ihadnoideaifhewasalive,butIdidn’tthinkaboutit.Justafterward,IsawthepolicetakingRonnieoutofthehouse.Hewasunharmedandinhandcuffs.AsIwastryingtoabsorballthatwashappeningbeforemyeyes,Nicholasgrabbedmychinsoftlyandturnedmyfacetowardhis.
“Lookatme,”hesaidinthesoftestvoiceI’deverheard.Hiseyeswereredandswollen.He’dsufferedasmuchasIhad.Ineededhimclosetomeafterthatexperience,toputmyselfbacktogether,toreassembleallthatmyfather’sactionshadshattered.“It’sokay,”hecontinued.“You’rewithmenow.”
Hiswordseasedmyheart,finally.
“Iloveyou,”Isaidasastrangefeelingcameoverme.Idon’tknowifitwasexhaustionorjustthestressofallthathadhappenedthosepastfewhours,butIcouldn’tgoonanymore.IgrabbedontohisT-shirtasmylegsgaveout,andIclosedmyeyes,lettingthesweettranquilityofunconsciousnessbearmeaway.48Nick
WhenweconfirmedthatthecarstillhadtheGPSchipactive,itwasjustamatteroftimetillwefoundNoah.OrsoIhoped.TherewasalwaysthechancethatRonniedidn’thavethecarparkedwherevertheywerekeepingNoah,butIcouldn’tletthatstopme.Iknewhe’dhardlybeenseenwithoutthatcarlately,sotherewasagoodchancehe’dlockedherupsomewhereinthedingyclubtheGPSshowedthecarwasparkedat.
Myfatherspoketothecops,whoplannedwhatournextstepshouldbe.Hisofficewasswarmingwithpeople.SeveralagentswerelookingovertheblueprintsoftheclubwithSteve.Themostlikelythingwasthattheyhadherinthebasementonthewestsideofthebuilding.Ifwecorneredthem,blockingoffthemainexits,herfathercouldonlygetoutoneway,andthatwasthefireexitintheback.Thatwaswheretherestoftheunitwouldwait,andifhecameout,there’dbenoturningback.Thatsonofabitchwouldbebackinjailwayearlierthanhe’danticipated.
“There’salwaysachancehewon’tcomeout,though,thathe’llblockhimselfoffinside,”onecopsaid,pointingattheroomwhereweassumedNoahwastrapped.
“Thenknockdownthefuckingdoor!”Ishouted.Iwantedtoleaverightthen;whoknewwhattheyweredoingtoherwhileweweresittingtherechitchatting.Shecouldbewoundedorevenworse.
“Mr.Leister,leavetheworktous,”thecoprepliedwithanairofauthority.
Ihatedhowtheyweretalkingtome,makingdecisionsaboutNoah’slife.ButtherewasnothingIcoulddo.
Iwalkedoutandlitwhatmusthavebeenmytwohundredthcigaretteoftheday.Allkindsofpeopleweregatheredontheporch.Nearthegate,besidethefountain,wereatleastsevensquadcars,anddozensofagentsstoodontheperimeter.Themediawasthere,too,settingupcamerasoutsidethegate.Iwantedtopuke.
“Hecouldkillher,William!”Iheardsomeoneshout.
Iraninsideandsawthepolicerushingoutofmyfather’sofficeandtowardtheircars.Desperately,IlookedatRaffaella,whowascryingandclutchingmyfather’sarm.
“Easy,now,Ella,he’snotgoingtodothat.Weknowwheretheyare.Ipromise,he’snotgoingtodoanything,”myfathersaid,tryingtocalmherdown.
“What’shappening?Wherearetheygoing?”Iasked.
“Wewereabletoaccessthecamerasattheclub.They’rethere,Nicholas.Theofficersareheadedovernow.”
Myentirebodyfrozeinpanic.
“I’mnotstickingaroundherethen,”Isaidandturnedtowardthedoor.Ahandstoppedme.
“You’renotgoing,Nicholas,”myfathersaidsternly.
Whatthehellwashesaying?
“I’mnotstaying!”Ishouted,pullingawayfromhimandrunningdownthestairs.Someofthecopswerealreadygone,departingforamissionthatmightendmygirlfriend’slife.
“Raffaella!”myfathershoutedbehindme.AsIturned,IsawNoah’smothercomingtowardme.
“Takemewithyou,Nicholas,”shesaid,cryinguncontrollably,butwithsteelydeterminationonherface.
Ilookedhesitantlyatmyfather,whocameuptouswiththeexpressionofamanfrightenedbutcompletelyundercontrol.
“I’mnotgoingtolethimhurtanyoneelseinthisfamily,”heroared,grabbingRaffaella’selbow.Iknewhewasjustasscaredaswewere.Nothinglikethishadeverhappenedtousbefore.ThewayhewaslookingatRaffaellawasexactlylikethewayIlookedatNoah,andIwouldhavereactednodifferentlyifshehadbeendeterminedtotakeoffforthesceneofakidnapping.
“I’mgoing,WilliamLeister,whetheryouwantmetoornot.Thisismydaughterwe’retalkingabout!”sheshriekedindesperation.Hersobseventuallygotthebetterofhim.
Ilookedbackathim.
“I’mgoing,Dad.Don’ttrytostopme.”
Indesperation,hereplied,“Fine.Butlet’sgowiththecops.”
Tenminuteslater,wewerecrossingthecityfollowedbythreepolicecars.Listeningtothemexchangeinformationovertheradiowasfrayingmynerves.Someofficerswerealreadythereandcasingtheexits.
Wearrivedquickly,andthepatrolcarwentstraighttowheretheywereexpectingNoah’sfathertocomeout.Thepolicefannedoutaroundthedoor.Wecouldhearthenoiseinside…andwhenIheardshots,Igotout.
Thecopnexttomeclutchedmyarm.
“Stayhere,”hesaid.
Ididasheordered,staringatthedoorNoahwouldcomeoutof,wonderingifshewouldbehurtwhenshedid.
Wedidn’thavetowaitlong.Aftertentenseminutes,thedoorflewopen,andNoahandherfatherappeared,blinkingwithsurpriseatthedetachmenttherewaitingforthem.
Noahwashurt…bleeding.
Ifeltsomeonegrabbingmefrombehind.Ihadn’tevenrealizedI’dtriedtotakeoffrunning.
“Noah!”IshoutedasloudlyasIcould.Herteary,terrifiedeyesturnedtowardmine.Herfatherwasholdingherwithonehandwhilewiththeother,heaimedarevolverdirectlyatherhead.
“Dropthegun!”oneofthecopsshoutedthroughamegaphone.
Iclutchedmyheadindespair.Thatbastardwassayingsomething,andtheterroronNoah’sfaceawakenedakillerinstinctIneverknewIcouldfeelbeforethatmoment.
Iwasgoingtokillhim.Iwasgoingtokillhimwithmybarehands.
“Dropyourweaponandputyourhandsonyourhead!”someoneshouted.
Afterthat,everythinghappenedquickly,thoughmyeyessawitallinslowmotion.
Noah’sfathertookoffthesafetyandpressedthebarrelhardintoNoah’stemple.Sheclosedhereyes,andthesoundofapoliceofficer’sshotfilledtheentirespace.
Noah’sfatherturnedtowardus.IknewhewaslookingatRaffaellawhenshestartedtocrydesperately.Redbloodstainedhisshirt,andhefelltotheground,badlywounded.Noahlookedathimwithsurprise,thenupatme,stunned…andthenshestartedtorun.
Ipushedasidethecopholdingmebackandrantomeether.
OnlywhenIfeltherinmyarmscouldIbreatheeasilyagain.OnlywhenIfeltherbodyagainstminewasIsureshewasalive.
“God!”Ishouted,liftingheroffthegroundandsqueezinghertightly.HersobsintensifiedasIdidso,tryingtocoverherwithmybody,protectherwithmylife.
Isetherdownandfranticallysearchedeveryinchofherbody.Ilookedatherface.They’dbeatenher…Dammit!They’dbeatenher!
Istartedtoshakeallover.I’dletsomeonehurther.I’dpromisedhernothingbadwouldeverhappentoher,andnowIsawwithmyowneyesthatI’dfailedher.
“Noah”Isaid,tryingtocontrolmyvoice.Iwantedtoaskhertoforgiveme,toapologizeforlettingthathappen.Ididn’tthinkI’deverfeltsoguiltyforsomethingorasprofoundlywoundedasIdidwhenIsawthegirlIlovedwithbruisesandcutsonherface.
Shewrappedherhandsaroundmyneckandpulledmecloseenoughtopressherlipsagainstmine.Iwantedtokisshermorethananythingintheworld,butIworriedIwouldhurtherifIdidittoohard.
Ipushedherbacksoftly.
“There’llbetimeforthat,babe,”Isaid,cuppingherface.“Iloveyou,Noah.So,somuch.”
Twomoretearsfellfromhereyes,butshesmiled.ThenRaffaellacameoverandtookherdaughterinherarms.Iwatchedthemhugdesperately.Myfatherlookedatmeamomentandthenjoinedthem,andIknewnothinglikethiswouldeverhappenagain.Icouldseeinmyfather’sfacethepromisethatnoonewouldever,evertouchourfamilyagain.
WhenNoah’smotherlethergo,sheturnedtowatchthemloadherfatherintotheambulance.Ididn’tknowhowtodescribewhatIsawonherfacethen,butIdidseethefearreturnwhenthepoliceguidedahandcuffedRonnieoutthedoor.
“Lookatme,”Itoldher.Ididn’twanthertobescaredagain.Iwantedtokillthatbastard,butmoreviolencewasthelastthingNoahneedednow.“It’sokay.You’rewithmenow.”
Herhandstouchedmycheeksandsliddowntomyshoulders,andIsawhereyeslosefocus.
“Noah?”Isaid,holdingherupasshewentslackinmyarms.“Getadoctor!”Ishoutedwhenshedidn’tcometo.Ipickedherup,andterrorinvadedme.Hadshebeenshot?Didshehavesomeinternalwoundnooneknewabout?
“Wakeup,Noah,”Isaid,holdinghertightlyagainstmeuntilIreachedanotherambulance.
“Letme,”aparamedicsaid.Policesirensbegantowail,andRaffaellaandmyfathercameupbehindme.
“What’swrongwithher?”Iasked.Theytookherfrommyarmsandlaidheronastretcher,andparamedicsgatheredaroundandliftedherintotheambulance
“We’retakinghertothehospital.Areyouhermother?”theyaskedRaffaella,andshenodded,climbingintotheambulance.
“I’mgoing,too,”Isaid,notleavingroomfordiscussion.
“I’llfollowyouallinmycar,”myfathersaid.
Theambulanceridelastedaneternity.Noahwasstillunconscious,butafterlookingheroverquickly,oneoftheparamedicssaidtherewasnothingtobeconcernedabout.
Ileanedoverherandcarefullyranahandthroughherhair.
“I’msorry,Noah.I’msorry.”49Noah
WhenIopenedmyeyes,Iwasinahospitalbed.Myheadandfacehurt,butmymindwasrelaxedonceIsawwhowastherewithme.
“Atlast,you’reawake!”Nicholasexclaimed,kissingmyhand,whichhewasholding.
“Whathappened?”Iasked,withnoideahowI’dgottenthere.
“Youfainted,”hesaid,hisworriedeyesstaringatme.“Thedoctorssaiditwaspsychologicalexhaustion.Theygaveyousomepills.Youwerewornout.”
Inodded,tryingtotakeeverythingin.Irememberedwhathadhappened,thekidnapping,theblowsI’dreceivedfrommyfatherandRonnie,themomentwhenIthoughtmyfatherhadshotme,whenhe’dfallentothegroundbleeding…
“Whathappenedtohim?”Iasked.
NicholasknewimmediatelywhatImeant.
Hehesitatedforamomentandthenfinallyspoke.
“Hedidn’tmakeit,Noah…Thebulletpiercedhisheart.Hediedbeforehegottothehospital.”
Itwasstrange.Maybetherewassomethinginsidemethatwasbroken,butIfeltnothing,absolutelynothing.Justrelief,aninfiniterelief,andaweightliftedoffmychest.AweightI’dborneforalmostadecade.
“It’sallover,”Nicksaid,gettingupfromthechairbymybedandbringinghisfaceclosetomine.“Noonecanhurtyouanymore.I’mgoingtotakecareofyou,Noah.”
Ifeltmyeyeswatering.
“Ineverthoughtthingswouldturnoutlikethis.IneverthoughtI’dbethankingthestarsforbringingourparentstogether.Twomonthsago,everythingyourepresentedwashellforme.Andnow…”Igotuponmykneesinbedandtouchedhisface,andhewrappedhishandscarefullyaroundmywaist.“Iloveyou,Nick.Iloveyoulikecrazy.”
Hislipskissedmine,gentlybutwiththefullforceofthelovethathadgrownbetweenus.Thekindoflovethathappenedonlyonceinalifetime,thekindoflovethattouchedyourheartandneverleftyou,thekindoflovenothingelsecomparedto,alovewesought,alovewemayevenhavehated,butthatmadeusalive,thatmadeusneedeachother,thatturnedusintosomethingtheotherpersoncouldn’tlivewithout…thelovethatIhadjustfound.EPILOGUE
Nick
AMONTHLATER
“Don’tyoudareopenyoureyes,”IwarnedherasIbroughthertothemiddleoftheroom.HavinghertheregavemeajoyIcouldn’texpressinwords.Thechangeshe’dmadeinmylifewasanewbeginninginourrelationship,butthatwassomethingIneeded,anditwouldwindupbeingagoodthing,enablingustospendallthetimeweneededtogether
“YouknowIhatesurprises,”sheremindedme,wrigglingaround.Ismiledtomyself.
“You’lllikethisone,”Isaid,postingmyselfbehindher.“Okay…now!”Itookoffherblindfold.
Shelookedastonishedasshesawwhatlaybeforeher.WewereintheentrywayofthepenthousecondoI’djustbought,andshecouldseethedoorwaystothebedroom,thekitchen,andthelivingroom.Itwasn’tbig,justenoughforonepersontolivecomfortably,butitwasaniceapartment.Afamilyfriendhaddecoratedittomytaste,anditlookedamazing.Thebrownandwhitetonesgaveitahomey,modernfeel.I’dhadafireplacebuiltinthecenterofthelivingroominfrontofthechocolate-coloredsofawhereNoahandIcouldwatchmoviesandrelaxbyourselves.Thekitchenwascompact,butithadeverythingweneeded,includinganislandperfectfortwopeopletohavebreakfasttogether.Therewerethickrugsonthehardwoodfloorsandahugewindowwithamazingviewsofthecity.Atthatmoment,thedarknightmeantthelightswereglowinglikeacarpetofstars.
Noah’smouthwasopenslightlyasshelookedaroundinamazement.
“So…whatdoyouthink?”
Sheshookherhead.Sheneededamomenttofindthewords.
“Isityours?”sheasked,walkingtothesofaandrestingahandonthebackofit.Whensheturnedaround,shehadanexpressionIwouldstruggletodescribe:confused,worriedmaybe.
“Imean,I’mgoingtolivehere,butyou’regoingtospendmostofyourtimeherewithme.That’swhyIboughtit,sowecouldbetogetherwithoutanyonecomingbetweenus,”Isaid,walkingover.Ilikedseeingherthere.Herpresencemadeitfeellikearealhome.
Asecondlater,asmilecrossedherface.
“It’samazing!”sheshouted.ButIcouldseeinhereyesthatshewashidingsomething.
Istrokedherhair,tuckeditbehindherears,andtookherfaceinmyhands.
“Whatisit?”Iasked.Herexpressionworriedme.
Sheshookherheadandexhaled.
“It’sjustthatI’mgoingtomissseeingyoueveryday,”shesaid,leaningherheadagainstmychest.Iwasgoingtomissher,too:Ilovedgettingupandhavingbreakfastwithher,Iadoredseeingherbeforeshe’dfixedherhair,alwaysreadywithasmile,and,ofcourse,Ilovedknowingshewassafeandsoundbehindourlockeddoor.AllthatwouldchangenowthatIwasmoving,butithadtobethatway,Iknewthat.Livingwithmyfatherandbeinginlovewithhisstepdaughterwasmadness.Wealmostneverfeltfullycomfortable,wewerealmostneveralonewitheachother,andnowthatIhadmyownplace,IcouldseeNoahallthetimewithoutparentalsupervision.
“Iwill,too,”Isaid,“butit’ssomethingweneedtodo.Ican’tstandseeingyoueverydayandnotbeingabletodothiswhenIfeellikeit,”Isaid,kissingthoseperfectlips.“Orthis.”Ikissedherdeeper,mytonguewrappingaroundherswithallthepassionsheawakenedinme.Sherespondedrightaway,andinasplitsecond,desirehadtakenovermybody.Thatwastheeffectshehadonme.“Orthis.”Ipickedherup,andshewrappedherlegsaroundme,giggling.
“Orthis,”Isaid,tuggingoffmyT-shirtwithonehand.
IgroanedasIfeltherhandsonmyshouldersandneck.Iwalkedtowhatwasnowmynewbedroom,withitshugebedandincredibleviews,droppingheronthesoftpillowsandunbuttoningherwhiteshirt.
“Ithinkyou’veconvincedme.Ilikeyournewplace.”Shesighed,lettingmekisseverycentimeterofherskin.
“Iknewyouwould,”Isaid,reachingherlips.
Atthatmoment,Irealizedthatthiswomanwouldbebesidemeforever.Ilovedheraboveallelse,andshehadrescuedmefromtheblackholemylifehadbeenbeforeI’dmether.Ithadtakenustimetounderstand,butnowweweretogetherandwouldworktomakeourrelationshipgrow.Ourliveshadn’tbeeneasy,andthatwaswhyweunderstoodeachothersowell.Atacriticalmoment,intheeyeofthestorm,wehadeachbeentheother’slifesaver,andthatwasnotsomethingeasytofind.
Afewhourslater,whenIhadhersleepinginmyarms,Irealizedsomethingveryimportant.Thelightswereout,theshadesdrawn…andNoahwassleepingwithalookofutterrelaxationonherface,withoutatraceoffear.IrealizedthenthatIhadhelpedher,too,thatIalsohadcausedaradicalchangeinherlife.Thathadbeenmyfault.
DiscovermorefromMercedesRonAcknowledgments
IfsomeonehadtoldmeayearagothattodayI’dbewritingtheacknowledgmentsformyownbook,I’dhavetoldthemtheywerecrazy.SinceIwasfifteen,I’vedreamedofthismoment,themomentwhenIcouldsayIdidit
Firstofall,IwanttothankPenguinRandomHousefortrustingme.MyeditorRosaSamper,whoalmostgavemeaheartattackthedaysheemailedme.Youspoketomelikeafriendandgavemethebestgiftanyone’severgivenme.I’llneverforgetthatofferreachingmyinbox.ThankstoyouandeveryoneelsewhomadeMyFaultsomethingspectacular.
TomyagentNuria,thefirstpersontotellmethebookhadpotential,thankyouforguidingmeandhelpingmewitheverythingIneed.
Tomymother,forpraisingabsolutelyeverythingIwrite.Ialwaystellyouthatyouaren’timpartial,butIguessyou’reheretomakemefeellikeIamthebest.Thanksforbeingtheverydefinitionofaperfectmother.
Tomyfather,forswellingwithprideandtellingabsolutelyeveryonehisdaughterisawriter.Thankyouforbeingmyrockandnevergivingupinthefaceofanyadversity.Youtaughtmethatnogoalisimpossibleifyouworkhardenough.
Tomysisters,Flor,Belu,andRo.Wewanttokilleachother,butweloveeachotherlikecrazy.
TomycousinBar,myveryfirstreader.Icouldn’thavefinishedthisstorywithoutyourhelpandenthusiasm.
Tomygrandparents.Pitu,thanksforhelpingmewheneverIaskedyouforadvice;Abu,thanksforalwaysbeingthere.
Tomyfriends,Ana,Alba,thatgroupthatbeginswithZ.Thanksformakingmelaughoutloud,forstayingtogethereventhoughyou’vealltakendifferentpaths.IgrewupwithyouandI’llalwayscarryyouinmyheart.
Eva,Mir.WhatcanItellyouthatyoudon’talreadyknow?IneverthoughtI’dfindtwokindredspiritsinthedepartment.Thanksforbeingbymysidesincethebeginningofthisadventure.
TomyYellowCrocodile.Belén,thankyouforsharingyourpassionforreadingwithme.Fromthebeginning,youbelievedinthisstoryandsupportedmeunconditionally.
Anita,youtaughtmethatdreamingisanimportantword.Youtaughtmethatbelievingindreamsmakesuswhoweare.You’llalwaysbemypartneronthejourneythatbeganwiththattriptoLosAngeles.
ToeveryonewhowastherewithmeonWattpadinthebeginning.Noneofthiswouldhavehappenedwithoutyou.I’vestayedupuntiltheweehoursofthemorningreadingyourcomments.IneverthoughtI’dgetsomuchlovefromyou.We’reunitedbywhatwe’veachievedtogether.IwishIcouldmeetallofyouandgiveyouahug.
Andlastbutnotleast,thankyou,thereadersofmyfirstnovel,mydreaminletters,paper,andink.Enjoy!AbouttheAuthor
MercedesRonalwaysdreamedofwriting.ShebeganbypublishingherfirststoriesonWattpad,wheremorethan50millionreaderswerehookedonherbooks,andmadetheleaptobookstoresin2017withMontena’simprint,launchingtheCulpablessaga,apublishingphenomenonthathasbeentranslatedintomorethantenlanguagesandwillhaveitsownmovieadaptationbyAmazonPrime.HersuccesswasfollowedbythesagasEnfrentados(IvoryandEbony)andDímelo(TellMeSoftly,TellMeSecretly,TellMewithKisses),whichconsolidatedtheauthorasabenchmarkinyouthromanticliteraturewithmorethanamillioncopiessold.

[Culpable 01] Mercedes Ron .epub

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