(Dangerous Damsels Book 3) The Secret Service of Tea and Treason

PRAISEFORTHELEAGUEOFGENTLEWOMENWITCHES
“Abrilliantmixofadventure,romance,andOscarWildesqueabsurdity—oneofthewittiest,mostoriginalrom-comsIhavereadallyear.”
—EvieDunmore,USATodaybestsellingauthorofBringingDowntheDuke
“There’snoliteraryexperiencequitelikereadinganIndiaHoltonbook.TheLeagueofGentlewomenWitchesisawild,rollicking,deliciouscarnivalrideofastory,filledwithrakishpirates,chaoticwitches,flyinghouses(andbicycles,andpumpkins),delightfulbanter,andsomeserioussteam.You’veneverreadVictorianromancelikethisbefore…andit’llruinyouforeverythingelse.”
—LanaHarper,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofPayback’saWitch
“Fantastical,romanticfun!SparklingwithwittyallusionstoShakespeareandAusten,whimsicaladventure,andtenderheartedromance,TheLeagueofGentlewomenWitchesisabooklover’sdreamcometrue.”
—ChloeLiese,authoroftheBergmanBrothersseries
“Sexy,funny,andutterlycharming,TheLeagueofGentlewomenWitchesislikeadeliciouslyover-caffeinatedhistoricalromancenovel.NotonlydoesHoltontreatustoafieryfeministwitchasourheroineandadashingpirateasourleadingman,butshealsogivesuslyricalproseandcracklingbantertoenjoyontheside.Buckleup,readers,becausethisisarideyouwon’twanttomiss.”
—LynnPainter,authorofMr.WrongNumber
“Whathappenswhenaprimandproperwitchcrossespathswithadashingpirate?Flamingchaosanddeliciousdebauchery,ofcourse.TheLeagueofGentlewomenWitchesisanotherwickedlyfunnyrompthroughthisgloriousworldcreatedbyIndiaHolton.”
—HarperSt.George,authorofTheDevilandtheHeiress
“Whenapricklywitchmeetshermatchinadangerouslyendearingpirate…thematchburstsintoflames!IndiaHolton’sjoyous,swoony,genre-explodingnovelisamarvel,bristlingwithwit(andweaponry!)andbrimmingwithlove.TheLeagueofGentlewomenWitcheswillstealyourheart,flyittothemoon,andreturnittoyourchest,sparkingwithmagicandjustintimefortea.”
—JoannaLowell,authorofTheRunawayDuchess
“Filledwithwitandanintriguingenemy-to-loversromance.ForfansofJaneAustenandEvieDunmore.”
—LibraryReads
“Holtontakesreadersonawildridethroughafun,limitlessworld,wherefrivolityandwhimsyreignsupremeandskilledswordworkandgranddisplaysofmagicabound.”
—Bookpage
“Cleverwordplay,delightfuldoubleentendres,andadventuroushighjinkswilldelightfansofsmart,witchyromances,includingthefirstinHolton’sDangerousDamselsseries,TheWisteriaSocietyofLadyScoundrels(2021).”
—Booklist
PRAISEFORTHEWISTERIASOCIETYOFLADYSCOUNDRELS
“HoltonishavingasmuchfunastheEnglishlanguagewillpermit—theproseshiftsconstantlyfromsillytosublimeandback,sometimesinthecourseofasinglesentence.Andsomehowinallthemelodramaandjokesandhilariouslymangledliteraryreferences,therearemomentsofemotionthatcuttothequick—thewayaprofoundtraumaticexperiencecanovercomeyouyearslater.”
—NewYorkTimesBookReview
“ThismeldstheVictorianwitofSherlockHolmeswiththebrashadventuringofIndianaJones….AsprightlyfeministtalethatofferseverythingfromanatmosphericGothicabbeytosecretsocieties.”
—EntertainmentWeekly
“TheWisteriaSocietyofLadyScoundrelsiseasilythemostdelightfullybonkershistoricalfantasyromanceof2021!Featuringladypiratesinflyinghousesandgentlemanassassinswithfartoomanynames,Ienjoyedeveryabsorbingmoment.”
—JenDeLuca,authorofWellPlayed
“Themostcharming,clever,andlaugh-out-loudfunnybookI’vereadallyear—itisimpossibletoreadTheWisteriaSocietyofLadyScoundrelsandnotfallinlovewithitsladypirates,flyinghouses,andswoon-worthyromance.IndiaHolton’sutterlydelightfuldebutispurejoyfromstarttofinish.”
—MarthaWaters,authorofToHaveandtoHoax
“India’sdebutischarming,clever,action-packed,withmasterfulbantering-while-duelingchoreography:itremindsmeofThePrincessBride,exceptswoonierandmorefantastical.It’saninstantbelovedfavorite.”
—SarahHogle,authorofYouDeserveEachOther
“Withapiraticalheroinewhowouldratherbereadingandaherowhosemanydisguiseshidea(slightlytarnished)heartofgold,TheWisteriaSocietyofLadyScoundrelsistheperfectdiversionforarainyafternoonwithacupoftea.Whatfun!”
—MandaCollins,authorofALady’sGuidetoMischiefandMayhem
“Holton’swritingisgorgeousandlyrical,herdialoguecleverandwitty,andhercharactersloveableandunforgettable.Thestorycontainssomanyenthrallingelements—ladyscoundrelsandspells,piratesandexplosions,romanceandflying-housethievery!”
—RaquelVasquezGilliland,authorofSiaMartinezandtheMoonlitBeginningofEverything
“Withsecretidentities,secretdoors,andsecrethistoriestospare,thishigh-octanelayer-cakeofescapismhitsthespot.”
—PublishersWeekly
“Inthisjoyrideofadebut,Holtondrawsusintoamadcapworldofcourtlycorsairs,murderousmatrons,andpity-inspiringhenchmen….AsiftheParasolProtectorateseriesmetThePrincessBrideandacorsetedLaraCroft:TombRaider.”
—KirkusReviews
“Atongue-in-cheekswashbucklingadventure.”
—LibraryJournalTITLESBYINDIAHOLTON
TheWisteriaSocietyofLadyScoundrels
TheLeagueofGentlewomenWitches
TheSecretServiceofTeaandTreasonBERKLEYROMANCE
PublishedbyBerkley
AnimprintofPenguinRandomHouseLLC
penguinrandomhouse.com
Copyright?2023byIndiaHolton
ExcerptfromTheOrnithologist’sFieldGuidetoLovecopyright?2023byIndiaHolton
PenguinRandomHousesupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,andcreatesavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthisbookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguinRandomHousetocontinuetopublishbooksforeveryreader.
BERKLEYisaregisteredtrademarkandBerkleyRomancewithBcolophonisatrademarkofPenguinRandomHouseLLC.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Holton,India,author.
Title:Thesecretserviceofteaandtreason/IndiaHolton.
Description:FirstEdition.|NewYork:BerkleyRomance,2023.|Series:Dangerousdamsels
Identifiers:LCCN2022038765(print)|LCCN2022038766(ebook)|ISBN9780593547267(tradepaperback)|ISBN9780593547274(ebook)
Subjects:LCGFT:Novels.
Classification:LCCPR9639.4.H66S432023(print)|LCCPR9639.4.H66(ebook)|DDC823/.92—dc23/eng/20220829
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2022038765
LCebookrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2022038766
FirstEdition:April2023
CoverdesignbyKatieAnderson
CoverillustrationbyDawnCooper
BookdesignbyLauraCorless,adaptedforebookbyMollyJeszke
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
pid_prh_6.0_143283231_c0_r1Contents
Cover
PraiseforIndiaHolton
TitlesbyIndiaHolton
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
TableofSignificantCharacters
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
ExcerptfromTheOrnithologist’sFieldGuidetoLove
AbouttheAuthor
_143283231_ForTaylor,Kristine,Bridget,andStephanie.
Andfortheteambehindthecurtain,makingmagichappen.TABLEOFSIGNIFICANTCHARACTERS-InOrderofAppearance-
AliceDearlove…aprofessionalwoman
PrimulaTewkes…aladyofletonandapaininlacroupe
DanielBixby…abibliomaniacalassassin
DahliaWeekle…prettyinpink
MrsKew…aunt-in-chief
CorneliusSnodgrass…agenius,allegedly
Competence…justasthenamesuggests
MissDarlington…apirateladyofsomemagnificence
JakeJacobsen…herhusband
MrsRotunder…apirateladyofsomeothermagnificence
MrRotunder…herhusband
JaneFairweather…awannabevillainess
FrederickBassingthwaite…tediumincarnate
VeronicaVale…anardentfan
Assortedpirates
Varioushouseholdservantsandspies
AlexanderO’Riley…anoldfriendassignment
CharlottePettifer…awickedwitch
MiaThalassi…anagentofdeliverance
CeciliaBassingthwaite…thebelovedheroine
NedLightbourne…charmontwotightlytrouseredlegs
TheBaby…anobjectofallaffections
Pleasance…anenthusiast
HazelCoombley…therapeuticallycurious
AgapanthaKetlew…areturntoignorance1extremeexpectations—missdearloveattemptsanopinion—notanexplosion—aHOLDUP—bixbytotherescue—aprofessionaldisagreement—mess
Itwasthebestofdressshops,itwastheworstofdressshops.Itsoldthemostbeautifulgarments,itsoldtheugliestscraps,andMissPrimulaTewkesfellinloveanddespairasshewalkedamongstitsdisplays.Hermaid,AliceDearlove,followedlikeashadow,black-garbedandsilent,armsfullofhatboxes.PrimuladeclaredherselftobeinHeaven,butAliceprivatelywishedtheladywouldgodirecttheotherway.
“IcannotattendLadyHessop’ssoireeinanythingbutthemostexquisiteensemble,”Primulaaverred.“Themostexquisite!”
“Yesmiss,”Alicesaid.
“Youwouldn’twantmetoberidiculedforwearingsomethingoutmoded,wouldyou,Dearlove?Wouldyou?Well?”
Thelady’seyeswidened.AliceguessedfromthisthatalarmwasrequiredattheprospectoftheHonorableMissTewkesdrinkingmimosasandmakingniceconversationwhilegarbedinanythinglessthanafashionmasterpiece.Unfortunately,shefeltsuchlittlealarmthatshedidnotevenblinkasshelookedathermistressfrombehindtheloadofhatboxes.Herowneyes,dark,cool,remainedtheirnormalsize.HercountenancewassodeadpanitoughttohavebeengiventheLastRites.
“Nomiss,”shesaid,glancingattheglass-paneleddoor,whichofferedtheonlyescapefromtheshop.
“Youaretedious,Dearlove.Tedious!Surelyevenalady’smaidhasenoughimaginationtoappreciatemydirecircumstance?!”
Alicehesitated,unsurewhichofyesmissandnomisswasrequiredhere.Nowouldhavebeenaccurate,foralthoughshepossessedasterlingimaginationforsuchthingsassecretlibraries,lostlibraries,andindeedanytypeoflibrarypossible,shecouldnotimaginewhatwassodireaboutnotbeingabletochooseadress.
Ontheotherhand,yeswasalsoaccurate,forevenAlicefeltobligedtodescribeherselfastedious.Forexample,atthisverymomentallshewantedwastoputdownthehatboxes,takeoffhershoes,andloseherselfinareallygooddictionary.
“Yesmiss?”shehazarded.
Primulahuffed,turningtoflipherhandthrougharackoffrothingpasteldresses.“Iamwastingmytimehere!Wastingit!Idon’tknowwhyyouevensuggestedthisboutique.WeshouldhavegonetoHarrods.”
“Yesmiss,”Alicesaid,blowingaloosestrandoffinebrownhairfromherface.Thehatboxesswayedandsheswayedwiththem,onlyjustmanagingtokeepthembalanced.Sheglancedataclockonthewall,thenagainatthedoor,beforeturningbacktoPrimula.“Perhapsthatpurplelacedresswould—”
Adelicatechimeinterruptedherassomeoneenteredtheshop.Lookingaroundatonce,Alicesawonlyaservant,hisexpressionboredasheheldthedoorajardespitecarryinghalfadozenbags.Heappearednondescript—brown-haired,clean-shaven,wearingspectaclesandthegeneralmasculineuniformofdarksuitandbowlerhat.Nevertheless,Alice’sshebegantoturnaway,butjustthenheglancedoverandtheireyeshappenedtomeet.Alice’sfaceremainedimpassive;herheart,however,wentfromflutteringtoperfectstillnessin,well,aheartbeat.
Nonsense,shethought.Ifhercardiacorganhadstopped,shewouldnotbestanding,norbreathing(tobefair,shedidnotcurrentlyseemtobebreathing,butthatwasbesidethepoint),norindeedblushinglikeaschoolgirljustbecauseahandsomemanlookedinherdirection.Alicefeltunclearexactlyhowhehadtransformedfromnondescripttohandsomewithinthespaceofseconds,butnodoubtanencyclopediacouldexplainit.She’dvisitthelibrarythiseveningand—
Suddenlymassesoffrothingpinkandyellowswampedhervision.Aliceblinkedfrantically.Eitherthepatisserieacrossthestreethadexplodedorafashionablewomanwaswalkinginthroughthedoorway.
“Really,Bixby?Thisiswhatyouconsiderasuitabledressshop?WeshouldhavejustgonetoHarrods.”
“Yesmiss,”themanrepliedwithoutinflection.
Alice’svisionrecoveredenoughfromitsshocktorecognizetheHonorableMissDahliaWeekle,Primula’sexactsocialequalandthereforemostbitterrival.Atthatmoment,acakeexplosionwouldhavebeenmorewelcome.
“Youwereright,miss,”shemurmuredtoPrimula,nudginghereastwardasMissWeekleveeredwesttowardaglovedisplay.“Weshouldindeedleavethisverymoment.”
“Steadyon,Dearlove.Iamnotasheeptobeherded.Whythehurry?”
“Primula!Darling!”
Alicewinced.
“Dahlia!”Primula’sdismaywassofleeting,Alicebarelysawit.“Howunexpectedtomeetyouhere!Sounexpected!”
Theladiesgrippedeachothers’shouldersandkissedtheair,theirlipsmakingasoundlikerapierstappingatthestartofaduel.
“Thatcolorisremarkableonyou,dear,”Dahliasaid.
“Suchauniquehat!”Primulacountered.
Thedoorchimedoncemore.AlicecaughtPrimula’sarm,thehatboxesswayingperilously,andattemptedtotugheraway.Butitwastoolate.
Twomenburstintotheshop,brandishingpistols.“Thisisarobbery!”oneshouted.
PrimulaandDahliasquealed.Theshopkeepersquealed.Alicesighed.
“Handsintheair!”
Immediatelytheladiesobeyed.Alice,pleasedforanexcusetosetdownthehatboxes,placedthemonasmalltablethenraisedherownhands.Hopefullythisbusinesswouldbeoversoonandshecouldgohomeforacupofteaandabiscuit.
“You!”ThethiefturnedtoDahlia’smanservant.“Handsup!”
“Doashesays,Bixby!”Dahliawailed
Bixbycarefullyloweredthecarrybags.Butinsteadofraisinghisarms,hefoldedthemtogetheracrosshischest.“Thisishighlyinconvenient,”hesaidinareprovingtone.“MissWeeklehasanappointmentwithherhairdresserinfifteenminutes’timeanditcannotbepostponed.Kindlyfindanotherstoretoburgle.”
Thethievesglancedateachotherandlaughed.
“Justshoothim,Merv,”onesaid.“Makesureheneverneedsnohairdresseragain.”
“Ahairdresser,”Bixbycorrected.
Silenceslammeddownuponthescene,brokenonlybyasharpclickasMervcockedhispistol.
Alicefrowned.Clearlymatterswereabouttobecomeevenmoretime-consuming.“Forheaven’ssake,”shebegan—
Butitwasnouse.Withoutfurtherdiscussion,MervshotBixby.
Aloudtwangfollowed,andacrosstheshopagilt-framedmirrorshatteredundertheimpactofMerv’sbullet.Blinkingconfusedly,AlicerealizedthatBixbyhadremovedhisbowlerhatatremarkablespeedandutilizeditasanapparentlybulletproofshield.Theresultantricochethadcastsevenyears’badluckupontheshopbutsavedthemanservant’slife.
“Bloody—”wasallMervhadtheopportunitytosaybeforeBixbythrewthehatathim.Itstruckhisfacewithmoreforcethanbrushedfeltregularlyoffered.Mervscreamed,droppinghisgun.Fromthereitwasasimplematterofonekickfromthemanservant,onepunchwithablack-glovedhand,twoswiftandefficientjabstothethroat,andthethiefendedupsenselessontheground,hislastwordhavingprovedpropheticasblooddrippedfromhisnose.Bixbysteppedback,calmlystraighteninghiscuffs.
TheotherthiefsnatchedwildlyforDahlia’spurse.Alicepushedtheyoungwomanaside,sothethiefgrabbedPrimula’spurseinstead,yankeditfromherhand,andwasoutthedoorbeforeanyonecouldreact.
“Help!”Primulascreamed.“Help!”
“Ohdear,miss,”Alicesaidwithanattemptatcomfortthatfellsoflatadozensteamrollerscouldnothavecrusheditmore.“I’mafraidhe’slonggone.Weshouldgetyouhome.”ShepickedupthehatboxesandwasturningtothedoorwhensuddenlyBixbysteppedforth,offeringacrisp,shallowbow.
“Ma’am,allowmetorecoveryourpurse.”
“Oh!”Primulaflushedinsingulardelight.
“No,”Aliceanswered,shakingherhead.“Wecannotask—”
Butapparentlyarequestwasnotrequired,forBixbyimmediatelytookoffafterthethief.
“Howexciting!”Primulacried,flappingahandbeforeherface.
“Goodnessme!”Dahliaadded,clutchingatherbosom.
“Fiddlesticks,”Alicemutteredunderherbreath.Andtossingthehatboxesaside,disregardinghowtheyemptiedacrossthefloor,shejumpedoverMerv’sunconsciousbodyandfollowedafterBixbywhilePrimulawailedaboutcrumpledbonnets(crumpled!)behindher.
“Don’t!Stop!Thief!”sheshouted,andgavechaseinamostunexpectedmannerindeed.
ThreeyearsDanielBixbyhadworkedasabutlerfortheroguepirateRottenO’Riley.Threeyearsflyingarickety,ensorcelledhouseatspeedsonecouldonlydescribeasimproper,smugglingpennyroyalteaintoIreland,andwashingO’Riley’slaundry.YetafterjustoneweekinDahliaWeekle’sservicehewasexhausted.Criminallifehadnothingontherigorsofshoppingwithanaristocraticlady.
Thispurse-snatchingofferedthebestentertainmenthe’dhadsincehisreturntoLondon(or,tobefair,secondbest,sincenothingcouldsurpassyesterday’sdiscoveryofaUtopiaeditionintheoriginalLatin).Indeed,hemighthavestoppedthehoodlumatoncebyusingaphrasefromthemagicalincantationthatpiratesemployedtoflytheirbattlehousesandwitchestomovesmallobjects—O’Riley’switchwifehadtaughthimhowtobringdownamanwithjustoneenchantedword—butitwasinvigoratingtogivechase(nottomentionthatwitchcraftwashighlysecret,highlyillegal—and,accordingtopirates,highly,er,lowbehavior).
Aboutthreehundredfeetalongthestreet,hecaughtthethief.Afterastruggle,hetwistedtheman’sarmbehindhisback,relievedhimofthepurse,andhelditoutofreach.
“Thankyou,”saidawoman’svoicebehindhim.
Danielfeltthepurseremovedefficientlyfromhisgrip.Glancingaround,hewasastonishedtoseethelady’smaid.Timeseemedoddlysuspendedashestared,arrestedbythesightofher.You,saidsomethinginsideofhim,likeamemoryoradream.Ithadwhisperedtohiminthedressshopbutspokeloudernow,asifshe’dremovedamaskandhecouldseehermoreclearly.Herdelicatefacewasframedbyacoiffuresosevereitmadehimthinkofbackboardsandplain,starchedundergarments—
Atwhichpoint,timedroppedintothepitofhisstomachwithacrashthatsentreverberationsthroughhisentirenervoussystem.
“Ma’am,”hesaid,takingrefugeinpolitenessevenwhilehisnervesclamoredandthethiefsworeandkickedinanefforttogetfree.“Itwasapleasuretobeofassistance.”
“Youaretookind,”shereplied,hervoicecivilbutherexpressionmakingitclearshewasspeakingliterally.Sheturnedandhandedthepursetothethief.
Danielblinked,tryingtocomprehendtheevidencebeforehiseyes.HehadnotbeensoconfusedsincehearingWordsworthdescribedasapoeticgenius.Andconfusionwasdangerousinhislineofwork(i.e.,whenhefeltit,otherpeoplebecameendangered).Hetwistedthethief’sarmfurther,causingthemantoholler,andtookthepursefromhimoncemore.
“Ibegyourpardon,”hereprovedthelady’smaid.
Athissombertoneshecringed,herbigdarkeyesfillingwithtears,herlashestrembling.Danielfeltlikeanuttercad.“Pleasedon’tcry,”hesaid,holdingouthishandinapology.
Andshegrabbedthepurseinit,tuggedhard,andjabbedthefingersofherfreehandupintohisarmpit.
Danielgaspedatthesuddenpain.Hisgripweakened,andthepursedisappearedoncemorefromhispossession.Thewomanreturnedittothethief,whotookitwithanattitudeofbemuseduncertainty.
“Forgoodness’sake,”Danielmuttered.Althoughyearsofpiracyhadpresentedlittleopportunityforheroics,hefeltcertaintheydidnotusuallyinvolvethevictimattackingherrescuer.Wrenchingthethiefabout,hesnatchedthepursefromhimand—
Thewomangraspedhiswristwithbothhands.Danielattemptedtoshakeheroff,andsheattemptedtoemasculatehimwithanupthrustofherknee,andhesavedhimself(andhisfuturechildren)byquicklyblockingherwithhisownknee,leadingtoherstompingdownonhisfoot,andhimtwistingherarm,andbothofthemstoppingabruptlytowatchthethiefescapealongthestreet.
“Isthatyourpearlnecklacehe’scarrying?”Danielaskedmildly.
“Yes,”shereplied.
“Ohdear.”
Sheshrugged.“Hopefullyhewon’tbitethepearlstoseeifthey’rereal.Theyareinfactcyanidecapsules.”
Asthethiefturnedacorneranddisappearedfromthenarrative,Danielreleasedthewoman.Shetookacarefulbreath,herfingerstwitchingatherskirt,andhefrownedwithconcern.“Areyouhurt?”
ThelookshegavehimwassuchthatDanielimmediatelywantedtofindachalkboardandwriteIwillnotaskstupidquestionsonehundredtimesuponit.
“Yes,”shesaidinaquiet,terrifyinglyprecisevoice.“Ihaveaheadache,myfeetache,andithasbeensixhourssincemylastcupoftea.Sixhours!AndnowIevensoundlikeher.Doyourealizehowmuchworkwentintoshepherdingthatwomanintopositionsoherpursecouldbestolen?HowmanyboutiquesIhaveenduredthisweek?Doyourealizehowmanyconversationsaboutpenny-dreadfulnovelsIhavebeenforcedtoendure?”
“I—”
“Onesuchconversationwouldbetoomany,butthereinfacthavebeendozens,allmixingtogetherintoaghastly,gigglingblur.AndyettheregoesPutridPetebacktohisgang’sheadquarterswithoutthetrackingdeviceinMissTewkes’spurse,thankstoyourdrattedchivalry.”
“I—”
“Furthermore,whatwereyouthinking,bringingMissWeekleshoppingonBondStreettoday?HerservantscoordinatewithMissTewkes’sservantssoastoensuretheladiesnevermeet.Thelasttimetheydid,therewasafracasoveraparasol,andMissWeekle’sfootmanendedupwithhisnosebroken.Youhavedisruptedeverything.ThereforeIsaygoodafternoon,sir.Thisendsouracquaintance.”
Andgrabbingthepursefromhim,sheturnedandmarchedaway.
Danielstareddazedlyafterher.Hismemorywasshoutingforattention…Hisbody,however,drowneditoutwithahot,uncomfortablethrobbing.Perhapshehadstrainedsomethinginhisfightwiththethief.Hewouldhavetoconsultamedicalencyclopediathisevening.
Thewomantookanunrelentingcoursealongthefootpath,obligingmoregenteelladiestoleapoutofherway.Shemovedwiththedangerousgraceofsomeoneentirelyawareofhersurroundingsandentirelyunafraid.Hewatchedher,knowingshewouldknowthathedid.
Andforthefirsttimeinlivingmemory,DanielBixbygrinned.
“Fiddlesticks,”Alicemuttered,smackingthepurseinaone-twobeatagainstherthighasshestrodebacktowardthedressshop.Frustrationandindignationdueledforpossessionofhermood,butannoyancealreadyhadittiedupinknotsatthethoughtofalltheundisciplinedthingsshe’djustdone.Runninginthestreet!Wrestling!Usingtheword“dratted”likesome—somehooligan!
Shecountedherbreathin,counteditoutagain.Sheimaginedsmackingthepursenotagainstherthighbutinthefaceofthemanservant.Hemighthavebeenhandsomeandfit,withamasterfulstyleandeyesthealluringcolourofgunmetalbehindthosedark-rimmedspectacles,nottomentionthehard—
Whichistosay,hemighthavebeensomewhatgood-looking,buthehadruinedacarefuloperationandseriouslydisturbedherinnertranquility.Alsoheroutertranquility.Andseveraltranquillayersinbetween.Herhandsstilltingledfromhavingtouchedhim.Hernerveswereawreck.Ifsheneverseteyesonhimagainitwouldbetoosoon.
“Clacton-on-Sea,”hesaid.
Alicesighed.Hehadcaughtuptoher,andnowkeptpacewithease.
“IrememberwhereI’veseenyoubefore,”hesaidinapleasanttone.“ItwaswhenyoumuggedmelastyearinClacton-on-Sea.YouareMissDearlove,aren’tyou?Erstwhilelady’smaidtoMrs.Chuke.Youstolemywalletandcufflinks.”
“Nonsense,”Aliceretorted.
“Iassureyou,madam,mymemoryofeventsisasclearasadaguerreotype.”
“Oh,Iagreeithappened.Butitisnonsensetosaytheywerecufflinks.Theywereminiaturecommunicationdevices.”
“Well,yes,suchthingsareanecessitywhenoneisbutlertoapirate.CaptainO’Rileywasforeverwanderingawayfrommysupervision.”Hiseyesseemedtolightenasheregardedher.“Ifyouknowthat,thenIassumeyouareamemberofthesecretservice.IsthatwhyyouattackedmeinClacton?”
“Iamnotawareofanythingaboutasecretservice,”Alicerepliedpromptly.
“Ofcourseyouaren’t.NeitheramI.Neverheardofitsexistence.Neverdrawnapaycheckfromitscoffers.”
Alicecasthimanaustereglance.“Imighthaveguessed,consideringyourbulletproofhat.Verywell.Iwasobservingaclandestineladies’league—”
“TheWickenLeagueofgentlewomenwitches?”
“Youknowthem?”
“Apettyamount.TheyenjoyagenerationalfeudwiththeWisteriaSocietyofladypirates.Bothgroupspossessthesamemagicalincantation,inheritedfromtheadventurerBerylBlack,buttheydisagreeonitsproperuse.Witcheshaveagreaterconcernaboutbeingcaught,sinceemployingmagictomanipulatepeoplewithouttheirknowledgeisgenerallyconsideredmorewickedthanemployingitjusttoflyhouses—unlessyouareanurbanplanner,Isuppose.Butifyouaskedmetonameanyotherdifferencebetweenthem,Icouldnot.Theyareequallylawlessandshameful.”
“Villainous,”Aliceagreed.
“Dangerous.”
“Terribletasteinhats.”
Hesmiledatherfleetingly,sendingaflurryofconfusionthroughherbody.Hadshesaidsomethingamusing?Shouldshesmileinreturn?Hertraininghadnotincludedhowtoundertakepoliteconversationonthestreetwithamanofbriefacquaintance.Fallingbackoninstinct,shefrowned,crossingherarmstightly.
“WhileobservingtheLeagueIwasalsomanagingtheroguepirateLadyArmitageandkeepinganeyeontheWisteriaSociety.”
“Busy,busy.”
“Onetendstobewhenoneisthebestagentofasecretgovernmentorganization.”
“Thebest?”Hiseyebrowsslantedeloquently.
Sheraisedherowneyebrowsinresponse.Itwasliketheclashofswords,onlywithbarelynoticeablefacialexpressions.
“Iamstatingmerefact,sir.Whilethereexistseveralcommitteesandsquadsdedicatedtofightingthepiratescourge—oratleastsittingbackandcomplainingaboutthepiratescourge,sincethere’snotmuchthatcanbedoneagainstpeoplewhoflyweaponizedhouses—notmanyhavebeenabletoinfiltratetheWickenLeagueofwitches.Thosewhohavetendtomeetadreadfulend,chokingonteacakesortrippingandhittingtheirheadontheceiling.ItisfairtosayImayhaveoverreactedtowardyouinClacton-on-Sea,butIwasinatightspot.AndIwasdisinclinedtotrustthebutlerofapiratewhomeventheWisteriaSocietyconsidersaloosecannon.”
“Excuseme,butCaptainO’Riley’scannonisboltedinsecurely.Isupervisedtheworkmyself.”
“Isthatmeanttobeajoke?”
“GoodGod,no.Onedoesnotjokeonapublicstreet.”
Shenoddedinreluctantapproval.“ThatdayIhadplannedtoquestionyouaboutO’Riley’sintentions.But…”Whenthemomenthadcometoaskifhe’dliketojoinherforanicecreamandstrollalongthebeachsotheycoulddiscussmatters,she’dtakenonelookathishandsomefaceandcalmeyesanddecidedbashinghimontheheadwasthelessstressfuloption.
“But?”heprompted.
“Ohlook,wearebackattheshop.”Shehurriedforwardtheseveraldozenstepsnecessarytomakethatstatementtrue.Takingadeepbreath,shesettledhercountenanceintothequietdocilityofalady’smaid.Bixby,reflectedinthedoor’sglasspanels,straightenedhistie.Theireyesmetbrieflyviathatreflection;somethingdarkandintenseflashedbetweenthem.ThenAliceopenedthedoor.
“—andpeopleofgoodsensedon’twearsomuchpink!”
Crash!
Alicestaredintotheshop.Itsownerkneltweepingoveratangledheapofdressesandbrokenracks.ThethiefMervmoaned,half-hiddenbeneathapileofhatboxes.Amannequinlaybrokenacrossthecounter,acoathangerimpaledinitsback;anotherprotrudedheadfirstfromawall.Inthecenterofthis,PrimulaandDahliawrangledoveraballgown.Itseemedtheladies’tête-à-têtehadescalatedintoafull-blowntit-for-tat.
“Ihaditfirst!”Dahliashouted.
“Iwasjustrobbed,thereforeIdeserveitmore!”Primulacountered.“More!”
“Ahem.”
AsAliceclearedherthroat,bothwomenturnedtostareather.Notonespeckofreproachshoweduponhercountenance,yettheyblanchedguiltily.Primuladroppedthedressandsmoothedherdisheveledhair.
“Youmayhavetherag,”shesaidhaughtilytoDahlia.Andclamberingoverthemess,shemovedtothedoor,whereshesnatchedherpursefromAlice’shand.“Comealong,Dearlove.WearegoingtoHarrods.”
“Yesmiss.”Aliceturnedtofollowher.“Goodafternoon,”shemurmuredtoBixby.
“Goodafternoon,”hereplied,bowing.
Andshewalkedaway,nodoubtnevertoseehimagain.2alicevisitsheraunt—teaandapologies—analphabeticsurprise—theunusualsuspects—aliceisnotwhosheseems—anengagement
AlicewalkedinbeautyliketheafternoonofcloudyclimesoverWestminster,whereallthatwasthebestofdarkandbrightmetinaskyabouttorain.SheenteredaratherdingybuildingwhosebronzedoorplateadvisedthatthetenantswereBover&Sons,Brushmakers,est.1785.Withincouldbefoundasmallmanufactoryofbrooms,dusters,andspecialistbrushes,whichoddlyenoughhadnotbeenappliedtotheclutteredanddustypremises.AnoldmanwhittlingabroomsticklookedupandnoddedasAliceentered.
Aladylikeher,dressedinasmart,darkbluewalkingsuitwiththemeresthintofabustle,andbearingahatsodiscreetitcouldhavebeensafelyemployedasanambassadortoFrance,didnotusuallypatronizesuchanestablishment.Butthiswasnorealmanufactory.AndAlicewasnotinfactaladylikeher.Shenoddedtotheoldman,thenstrodeacrosstheroom,herbootheelstappingsmartlyagainstitswoodenfloorboards.
Alicelovedthatsound.Itmadeherfeellikeacapablewoman.Anintelligentwoman.Awomanwhohadthismorningmadeanomeletwithoutitturningintoscrambledeggs!
Certainlynotawomanwhohadtossedandturnedallnight,tryingtoignorevisionsofabespectacledbutlerstraighteninghiscuffsafterhavingbashedamansenseless.
Shepaused,lookingaroundthemanufactory.“Youneedafaninhere,”sheinformedtheoldman.“Theairisdecidedlyhot.”
Henodded,sincehewasdeafandwouldhavenoddedevenifshe’dtoldhimtheplacewasburningdown.Continuingon,AlicewonderedwhatbrandofstarchMr.Bixbyusedtogethiscuffslookingsoprecise.Theslideofcrisplinenagainsthisskinmustbesoothingindeed—althoughoddlyenoughherownclothesfeltsuddenlyscratchyandconstrictive.
Arrivingatacloset,sheslippedinside,anglingherselfamongstitscollectionofmops.Shiftingonetorevealafadedcalendarpictureofawomaninabathingcostumeleaningagainstahorse-drawncarriage,shepushedagainstit.Apanelswungasidetorevealanothercloset,thisoneempty.Entering,Aliceclosedthedoorandtuggedonaclotheshangersuspendedfromtheceiling.Theclosetbegantodescend.Instantlybored,Alicetookasmalldictionaryfromherdresspockettoread.
Sensual…sensualism…sensualist…sensuality…
Well,thatdidnotprovideashelpfuladistractionfromthoughtsofMr.Bixbyasshehadhoped.Snappingthebookshut,shereturnedittoherpocketjustasthegroundreacquainteditselfwiththespiritofitsname.Beforeherstoodanotherdoor.Anabacuswassetintoitscenterpanel,andAliceadjustedthebeadsalongtheirhorizontaltracksuntilthedoorclickedandswungopen.
ShesteppedthroughtotheheadquartersoftheAgencyofUndercoverNoteTakers.
A.U.N.T.wasEngland’smostsecretintelligenceagency,fortunatelybetteratespionagethanatnamingitself.IthadbeenestablishedinthereignofHenryVIII,whenhisqueens’troublesledhouseholdservantstorealizethetremendouspowerofgossip.Sincethen,thecovertwebofchambermaidsandbutlers,housekeepersandfootmen,groomsandsweeps,hadgrownsoextensiveithadbecomeineffectadownstairsgovernment.Withaninformation-richnetofserviceprovidersspreadacrosstherealm,A.U.N.T.ensured,amongstotherthings,thateveryschemeoftheWickenLeaguewasknown,thatpiratesdidnotmaketoomuchtrouble,andthatspoiledrichgirlswerekeptfromkillingoneanotheronshoppingsprees.
“It’slikeonebigfamily,”themanwhorecruitedAlicehadexplainedwhenhe’dremovedherfromtheorphanagewhereshe’dlivedforthefirstsixyearsofherlife.He’dgivenherlolliesandsetherinsideacarriagewithblacked-outwindows,andAlicehadthoughtshewasgoingtomeetherhithertounknownaunty.She’daskednothing,sinceshebarelyspokeinthosedays;she’djusthuggedherbatteredvolumeofAlphabetsandPicturesforChildren(andhiddenthelolliesbeneaththecarriageseatcushion,sincetheywerebadforone’steeth).OnlyafterarrivingattheAcademyofHouseholdManagementandbeingassignedherfirstbroomhadshefinallyrealizedthetruth.
Mindyou,consideringhersoleunderstandingof“family”upuntilthenhadcomefromfairytales,shewasjustgratefultheteachersandotherstudentsdidnotthrowherdownawellorcutoffherhead.TenyearsofservicetrainingpassedbeforesheevenmetChiefServantMrs.Kew,andanothertwobeforeshegraduatedasalady’smaidandspy.
Nowherfriends(whichistosay,peopletowhomshesaidapolitehellowhenpassing,andwatchedlaughingtogetherattheagencyChristmasparty)knewherasA—rankedfirst,equalwiththemysteriousB,whoseidentitywaskeptsecretevenfromher.SometimesshealmostforgotherChristianname,soseldomdidshehearit.Butthatdidnotmatter.Onlyservicemattered.Well,thatandreturninglibrarybooksbeforetheyaccruedalatefee,ofcourse.
“Don’tyoueverwishforrealfriends?”HazelCoombleyhadaskedheronce,soft-voicedandgentle-eyed,astheysatdrinkingtea.
“No,”Alicehadresponded.AndshewouldhavegiventhesameresponseevenifHazelhadn’tbeentheagencyclinicianundertakingapsychologicalevaluationofher.
TheonlypersoninwhomAlicefeltanygenuineinterestwasB,whosereputationhaddevelopedovertheyearsintosomethingclosetomythology.Forexample,itwassaidBhadsavedPrincessLouisefromassassination,thankstobeinginbedwithheratthetime.Fromthis,Alice,anexceptionalintelligenceofficer,deducedthatBmustbeawoman.Afterall,whoelsewouldhaveapajamapartywiththeprincess?
SheherselfratherwishedtoattendsuchapartywithB.Whisperingtogetherunderblankets,sharingintimatesecrets…sheimaginedthiswouldbeentertainingindeed.Inaway,shefeltclosertoBthantoanyoneelseintheworld,forsurelynoothercouldunderstandbetterwhatitwasliketobeessentiallyunknown.
Thatthoughtveeredclosetoanemotion,andAlicestopped,halfwayacrosstheA.U.N.T.lobby,beneaththerosepaintedonitsceilingandjustpastthestatueofQueenVictoria’sbutler.Thethreatofmelancholiarattledaroundinsideher,disruptinghertranquilityandsendingherpulseintofreefall.Suddenlythewholeworldfeltlikeitmightbreakapart.Fiddlesticks!
Slippingonehandintoaskirtpocket,shetappedherfingersagainstherthighwithasteadyone-twobeat.Thiscalmedher,andshewassoonabletocontinueon.Inanofficeatthefarsideofthelobby,shefoundMrs.Kewawaitingher.
“Comein,”thewomancalledasAliceknockedonthedoor.“You’rerightontime.”
AliceenteredtheofficeandfelthercalminstantlyturntothesamecolorasMrs.Kew’swalls—i.e.,custard.Everywherewaswhitelace,creamlace,frothingpinklace,asifamaniacalbridehadrunamokwithdecoratortools.ItframedthemapofEnglandononewall.Itwrappedaroundflowerbouquetssetonlace-clothedshelves.EvenMrs.Kew’sfluffywhitecatworealacebow.Alicesuspectedonemoredelicate,finelyspunribbonsetanywhereintheroomwouldcausethewholeplacetocollapseinasuffocatingheap.
Taptapwentherfingersinherpocket.
“Sitdown,dear,havesometea,”Mrs.Kewurgedfromaplumplace-trimmedarmchairatoneendoftheroom.AliceturnedtooffertheChiefServantacurtsy—
Andfroze.
Mr.BixbysatonasofaoppositeMrs.Kew,holdingateacup.
Tap-tap-tap-tap.
Helookedbackatherwithastaresovoidofemotion,Alicestrugglednottodreamilysigh.Awomancouldneverdrownineyeslikethat!Shecouldstandonsafelydrygroundwhileotherwomenflailedaboutinswooning,adoringgazes.Hisposturewithinhisdarksuitandblackovercoatwasrigid.Heworenohat,andAliceobservedthat,althoughhishairwascuttoregulationinashort,precisestyle,nearthebackofhisneckatattoocouldbeseenrisinganinchabovehiscollar,suggestingsomeuncouthmysterysearedintothenakedskinbelow…
Goodness,buttheairinthisroomwasevenhotterthanthatinthebroomfactory.
Belatedlyperformingthecurtsy,Alicecrossedtheroom,herbootheelssmackinghardagainstthefloor.AsshesatbesideBixbyontheplump,embroideredsofa,heblinked,andherheartblinkedinresponse.Guardyourtranquillayers,shechidedherself.
“Remindme,dear,”Mrs.Kewsaid,leaningforwardoveranarrayofteathings,cakes,androsesonthelowtablebeforeher.“Doyoutakesugar?”
AlicesmiledpolitelyattheChiefServant—althoughnotquitelookingatherfromsheerself-defense.Mrs.Kewwasasdecorativeasheroffice,withlaceandjewelrysetuponeveryavailablesurfaceofhersoft,middle-agedperson.ButAlicehadwatchedthissamewomankillamanattenpaceswithaRoyalJubileecommemorationplateandwasnotfooled.
“No,thankyou,ma’am.Justmilk.AndpleaseallowmetoapologizeforthedisturbanceonBondStreetyesterday—”
“Ihavealreadyapologizedforit,”Mr.Bixbyinterjectedcoolly.“Itwasentirelymyfault.”
Alicebristled.“Ibegyourpardon,sir,butitwasmyfault.Andfurthermore—”
“Now,now,”Mrs.Kewsaidsoothingly.“I’msureeveryonewastoblame.IheardallaboutitfromLadyHassan’sbutler.Afightinthestreet!Histrionicaristocrats!AndamissedappointmentwithLondon’smostexclusivehairdresser!Itsoundsverydramatic.Reallynosugar,dear?”
“None,thankyou.Imustinsistonapologizing.”
“Ohgood.Afterall,sugarmakesone’steethsparkle.”
“ImeantIamsorryabouttheBondStreetdebacle.”
“Nevermind,Iwasgoingtotakeyouoffthatcaseanyway.Somethingmoreimportanthascomeupthatrequiresyourspecialskills.”
“Oh?”
“Yes,it’s—Goodnessme,whatisthat?!”
Mrs.Kewgasped,staringwide-eyedoverAlice’sshoulder.Aliceturned,reachinginstinctivelyforthepetiteguninherwaistband,butsawnothinguntoward.(Well,astatuetteofQueenVictoriaswathedingoldenlace,butnothingelseuntoward.)Assheturnedback,shenoticedatiny,fleetingsmileonMr.Bixby’smouth.
“Musthavebeenjustashadow,”Mrs.Kewsaid,andhandedAliceadelicatepinkteacup.
“Thankyou.”Alicetookthecupand,liftingitfromitssaucer,sippeddiscreetly.Onlyyearsoftrainingpreventedherfromspittingouttheliquid.
“Iwentaheadandputjustaspeckofsugarin,”Mrs.Kewconfessed.“Forthesakeofyourhealth.”
“Isee.”Clearly,hernotionofaspeckandMrs.Kew’sdivergedbyseveralteaspoons’worth.
“Now,regardingyournewassignment,”Mrs.Kewsaid,easingbackinherchairandsmilingmerrilyattheagents.“A,Ineedyouto—”
“Excuseme.”Mr.Bixby’steacupwentdowninitssaucerwithadisapprovingclank.“DidyoujustaddressMissDearloveasA?”
Mrs.Kew’ssmilewidened.“OfcourseIdid.AforAlice,sinceourdearMr.Digglesby-God-rest-his-soulwillforeverbeAgentD.Ithoughtthatyouknewthis,B.Whenyou—”
“Excuseme.”Alicetappedafingernailagainstherteacupwithanunhappyclink-clink.“DidyoucallMr.BixbybythenameB?Mr.Bixby?”
“Yes,dear.DanielBixby,whohasjustcomeoutofdeepundercoverasbutlertothepirateAlexanderO’Riley.Heisourmostreliableinvestigator.Danieloldchap,allowmetoproperlyintroduceMissAliceDearlove,ourbestfixer.”
AliceandDanielglancedsidelongateachother,eyesnotquitemeeting,andgaveabrisknod.
“Don’tbeshy,”Mrs.Kewurged.“Shakehands!”
Aliceextendedherhandreluctantly.Danielhesitatedthemerestmomentbeforetakingitinhisownwithafirmgrip.JustthenanearthquakeoccurredinWhitehall,locateddirectlybeneaththesofainMrs.Kew’soffice,andbothsnatchedtheirhandsback.Danieldranktea;Alicerubbedatacreaseinthelacecushionbesideher.
“I’mgladtoseeyougettingalongsowonderfully,”Mrs.Kewsaid,showingalevelofastutenessatoddswithherpositionaschiefofanintelligenceagency.“Thisbodeswellforyourassignmenttogether.”
Teacupsrattled.
“Iworkalone,”Alicesaid.
“Iworkalone,”Danielsaidatthesametime.
Mrs.Kewsmiled.“Ofcourse.Iappreciatehowyoufeel,andit’sentirelyfair.JustnowI’dliketotryunhookingyoufromthatcustom,andalthoughyou’reabsolutelymystaragents,neverthelessliftingyouevenhigher,toanewlevelofprofessional—”
Shestopped,hersmilebecomingstiff,assheregisteredtheirfrowns.“Letmerephrasethat.Ineedyoutodoasyou’retold.WereceivedwarningthisweekthatsomeoneisplanningtoassassinateQueenVictoria.”
“Again?”Danielsaid.
“I’mafraidso.Fifteenwarnings,tobeprecise,buttheonewhichconcernsusmostinvolvesthepirateFrederickBassingthwaite.”
Danielstirredhisteainamannerthatsuggestedhewaslaughingbehindhisinscrutablecountenance.“Iwouldnotworry.FrederickBassingthwaiteisevengreateramoronthanMr.Collins.”
“Who?”Mrs.Kewinquired.
“FromPrideandPrejudice,”AliceandDanielrepliedinunison.Theyverycarefullydidnotglanceateachother.
Mrs.Kew’sgentleconfusionfailedtolift.“Isthatacrime-fightingduo?”
“No,ma’am,”Danieltoldher.“Itisabook.”
“Isee.Well,wherewerewe?Ahyes,murderingtheQueen.PerhapsitisbettertosaythatthedangerisfromFrederick’swife,JaneFairweather,adastardlycreatureifevertherewasone.Ourintelligencenetworkreportsthatshehascomeintopossessionofanewkindofweapon,whichsheplanstouseonHerMajesty.Jane’smotiveis,andIquote,‘toproveonceandforallsheisasmuchascoundrelasthatrevoltingCeciliaBassingthwaite.’Whatthisweaponis,wedonotknow.WhereJaneobtainedit,wedonotknow.Wheresheiskeepingit—”
“Letmeguess,”Danielsaid.“Wedonotknow.”
“Actually,thisonewedo.InsideStarkthornCastle,ancestralbattlehouseoftheBassingthwaites.”
“WhereinsideStarkthornCastle?”Aliceasked.“Itisanimmensebuilding.”
“Ah.Well.That,wedonotknow.Frederickisholdingahousepartythiscomingweek,andseveralWisteriaSocietymemberswillbeattending.Wedonotknow—butwestronglysuspect!—thattheytoohavelearnedofthisweaponandintendtostealit.Yourmissionistostealitfirst.”
“WhywouldFrederickandJaneriskinvitingtheWisteriaSocietytotheirhousewhentheyarekeepingasecretweaponthere?”Aliceasked.
Mrs.Kewwincedslightly.“Iamgoingtosayagainthatwedonotknow,butyoucannotblamemethistime.Nooneunderstandswhypiratesdoanything.”Leaningforward,shetookupaporcelainsugarcanisterandlifteditslidtoherearbeforespeakingintothebowl.“Youcancomeinnow.”
Fourclerkscarryinglarge,gilt-framedpaintingsenteredtheroom,liningupagainstawall.Mrs.Kewwavedafinger,andoneofthemenclosedthegastapfortheoverheadlight.Asdarknessfilledtheroom,Mrs.Kewangledalampontheteatablesoitslightshonedirectlyatthepaintings.
“TheBassingthwaitefortunehasdiminishedinrecenttimes,”shesaid,“butFrederickandJanestillhavehighregardforthemselves.”Shewavedforthoneoftheclerks,whoheldaportraituptothelight.Init,abonyyoungmanwithsleekblackhairandmustachesatprimlyonagoldenchair;standingbesidehim,onehandclampedtohisshoulder,wasabespectacledwomanwhoseposturesuggestedshestoredanumberofofficiousopinionsupherproverbial.
“NeitherFredericknorJanecanbetrusted,butwedonotbelievetheyarethegreatestdanger.ItistheotherWisteriaSocietymemberswithwhomwearemostconcerned.”
Theclerksteppedbackandanotheradvanced.“ElizabethBoffle,”Mrs.Kewsaid,frowningatthenewportrait.“AwickedvillainandodiousblightonEngland’sfairshore.”
Aliceregardedtheplump,smilingfaceandpuffedwhitecoiffureofanelderlyladydressedinsomanypinkflouncesDahliaWeeklewouldhaveswoonedatthesight.Everyinstinctofherorphanheartsuggestedthiswasawomantowhomonecouldgoforbakedgoodsandcozybedtimestories.
“AlsoknownasBloodhoundBess,”Mrs.Kewsaid.“BothofherhusbandswerefoundfloatingintheThameswithpillowcasesovertheirheads.”
“Thatdoesn’tseemlikeaverysafewaytoswim,”Aliceremarked.
Danielchokedonamouthfuloftea.Mrs.Kewraisedoneeyebrow.“Theywerelessswimmingandmoresleepingwiththefishes,dear,”theChiefServantsaid
Alicefrowned.“How—”
“Dead,”Danieltoldher.“Theyweredead.”
“Oh.”
“Thisportraitissomewhatoutdated,”Mrs.Kewcontinued.Shewavedherfingeragain,andthemanholdingthepaintingtookoutapenknifeandslashedBess’sface.“That’sbetter.ShewasscarredduringaviciousskirmishwiththechairwomanoftheEastAngliaPottedFlowerClub.Verypassionateaboutheroleanders,isBess.Next,wehaveVerisimilitudeJones.”
“MillietheMonster,”AliceandDanielsaidindiretonesasathirdportraitwasbroughtforth.
“Youknowofher?”Mrs.Kewinquired.
Alicelookedatthepaintingofthetiny,eye-patchedwoman.“OnlyonepirateladyhasamorealarmingreputationthanMillie.”
“Funnyyoushouldsaythat,”Mrs.Kewmurmured.Thefourthclerksteppedupwithaportraitthattrembledslightlyinhishandsashelifteditforview.Representedthereinoilswasanelegantolderwomanwearingafurcoat,scarf,andglovesandholdingasunparasol.Inherfreehandsheaimedapistolatathin,red-gownedladywhosehairstooderectlikeafanandwhoseactualfanbristledwithironspikes.
“MissDarlington,”Danielsaid,hisvoicesodirethistimeitoughttohavebeensurroundedbyyellowtapeandskull-and-crossbonessigns.
“Indeed,”Mrs.Kewconfirmed.“Seenhereinconversationwithheroldchum,LadyArmitage,whoserecentfallfromgracemadequitethesplash.”
Alicefrownedagain.“LadyArmitagetoppledoutofherhouseintotheharboranddrowned.”
“Yes,dear,that’swhatIsaid.WithArmitageoutofthepicture—”
“Sheisrightthere,”Alicepointedout.“Inthepicture.”
“Imean,withArmitagedead—”
“Presumeddead,”Danielcorrected.
“Yes,dear,”Mrs.Kewsaidthroughgrittedteeth.“WithArmitagepresumeddeadfromdrowningandthereforebeingoutofthepicture,sotospeak,Darlingtonisthemostsignificantpiraticthreat.SheisalsoFrederickBassingthwaite’sgreat-aunt,andthereforehasbeeninvitedtohishouseparty.”
“WillCeciliaBassingthwaitebeattendingtoo?”Danielasked.Athisquestion,oneoftheclerkssetdownhisportraitandrummagedthroughasheafofunframedimagesbeforepresentingaratherblurrywatercolorofayoung,red-hairedwomanthathadbeenre-createdatlargersizefromalocketportrait.
“That’sher,”Danielsaid.“Iknowshe’snotaWisteriaSocietymember,butsheisaninfamouspirateandtherightfulownerofStarkthornCastle.”
Mrs.Kewchuckled.“Idon’tbelieveI’veeverbeforeheardtheterm‘rightfulowner’usedwhenreferringtopirates.No,apparentlyMissBassingthwaite’sresponseuponreceivingtheinvitationwas,‘OverJaneFairweather’sdeadbody.’I’mafraidherhousemaidtookthisratherseriously,andweonlyjustcaughtuptoherhalfamilefromStarkthornCastlewithacrateofgunpowder.ButMissBassingthwaitewouldnotattendanyway,consideringshehasanewbaby.Theworstyou’llhavetocontendwithisMissDarlington.”
“Soundssimple,”Alicesaid.
“Notreally,”Danielargued.“EvenRottenO’RileyfearsJemimaDarlington.Ifshedoesn’tassassinateyoudirectly,shewilldoyouinwithterrorstoriesaboutscrofulaandrabies.”
“Nevertheless,”Mrs.Kewsaid,“contendwithheryoumust.YouandAlicewillbeattendingthepartyatStarkthornCastle.Wehaveseveralunderservantsalreadyassigned,butforanassassinationplotthisseriouswerequireourbestagentson-site.NaturallyIthoughtofyou.”
Danielleanedback,crossingonelegovertheotherandrestinghisarmagainsttherimofthesofabehindAliceinaposethatplainlysaid,“A.U.N.T.’sbestagent,atyourservice.”Alicewenttaut—butsinceshewasalreadysotautonecouldhavesafelybalancedafullteapotonherhead,nobodynoticed.
“Iwillneedanewsetofcorrectbutlerattire,”DanielinformedMrs.Kew.“Agoatatemine.”
“Agoat?”Mrs.Kew’seyeswidenedwithastonishment.
“O’Riley’shouseholdwasaninterestingplace.Onanotheroccasionawomanatemy—actually,nevermind.”
AlicewasfascinatedtoseeablushstainMrs.Kew’sface.WhywouldaculinaryanecdoteembarrasstheChiefServant?
“Leaveus,”Mrs.Kewsaidtotheclerks,allofwhomweresmirking.Astheydeparted,theyturnedthelightbackon,andAlicewincedatthesuddenbrightness.Whenshecouldseeagain,Mrs.Kewhadrecoveredhercomposureandwascuttingslicesinalargecreamcake.“IwillhaveyoumeetwithSnodgrassafterthistobefullyoutfitted,”theChiefServantsaid.“Butyouwon’tbeneedingabutler’sgetup.Cake?”
“No,thankyou,”Danielsaid.“Whynot?Ihopeyouaren’tsuggestingIposeasafootman.”Disapprobationshadowedhisface.
“Cake?”Mrs.KewofferedAlice.
“No,thankyou.IfMr.Bixbyhasassociatedwithpirates,won’ttherebeadangerofhimbeingrecognized?Shouldhenotbewithdrawnfromthecaseonthatbasis,andIdothemissionsolo?”
“Thatisunnecessary,”DanielansweredasMrs.Kewbusiedherselfplatingtwoplumpwedgesofcreamsponge.“O’RileystrovetoavoidtheWisteriaSocietyasmuchaspossible;consequentially,Inevermetanyofthem.Ontheotherhand,yourworklastyearbroughtyouinextensivecontactwithpirates,MissDearlove.Ifearyou’llbeindanger,andthereforethemissionshouldbeminealone.”
“Theywillnotrememberme.Iamamasterofdisguise.”
“YoulookexactlyasyoudidlastyearinClacton-on-Sea.”
Sheturnedtohim.Focusingonwherehishairangledneatlyattheedgeofhisface,shesoftenedherexpression,relaxingitsmouthandhalfloweringitseyelashestocastasoftnessovertheeyes.Shehunchedashoulderslightlyandtippedherheadtowarditinagestureofobsequiousnesssorepellent,one’sgazenaturallywantedtoturnawayfromit,forgettingwhatonehadseen.Thebrisk,competentwomanwhohadbeensittingamomentbeforeonthesofawasreplacedwithagirlwhoseself-effacementrenderedherpracticallyfaceless.
“Fascinating,”Danielsaid.
Shrugging,Aliceallowedherregularcountenancetosettleoncemoreuponher.“Godhasgivenmeoneface,andImakemyselfseveralothers.”
Daniel’seyesnarrowed.“YouareparaphrasingShakespeare,”hesaidinatonethatteeteredbetweendisapprovalandrespect.
“Howcleverofyoutonotice,”Aliceretortedinatonethatdidnotsomuchteeterasricochetbetweendisdainandsarcasm.
“Sowe’reallset,then!”Mrs.Kewbeamedassheheldouttheplates.“Now,areyousureyouwon’thavecake?Imadeitspeciallyforthismeeting.”
Aliceeyedthefrothyconfection.Forthefirsttime,shenoticedtwotinygoldbellssetatoptheicing.“Doyoumeanformetobeachambermaid?”sheaskedwithhorror.
“Iamtoooldtobeafootman,”Danielargued.
“Youareonlytwenty-seven,dear,”Mrs.Kewsaid.“Butfearnot.AndAlice,youwon’tbeachambermaid.Youtwowillattendthepartyasamarriedcouple.”
AliceandDanielstaredather.
“See,you’retheperfectchoice!Justkeeplookinglikethatandpeoplewillabsolutelybelieveyou’remarried.Oh,don’tbesoglum.Afterall,you’reabouttojoinapirate’shouseparty—mostlikelyyou’llbedeadwithinaweek.”Shegrinned.“Moretea,mydears?”3scientificmagic—snodgrass—emergencystop—aliceanddanielcleanhouse—upsidedownandinnuendo—aliceisapproachedbyruffians—abrieflessononwhylisteningtoinstructionsisimportant
Allthatglistersisnotnecessarilygold.Danielregardedhisnewweddingringwithdislike,guessingthatwithinaweektheskinbeneathwouldbegreen.Besidehimintheslowlydescendinglinencloset,Alicehadalreadytakentofiddlingunconsciouslywithhers.Itlookedtooheavyforherdelicatehand,andDanielwonderediftheetchingsontheinsideirritatedherasmuchastheydidhim.
Hewouldhavepreferredtohaveslippedtheringonherhimself,fornootherreasonthanthatitwouldhavebeenpropertodoso,eveniftheirmarriagewasapretense.Certainlynotsohecouldholdherhand,slideabandslowlyalongthefine-bonedlengthofherfinger,listentoherbreatheashisthumbstrokedherpalm.Afterall,hehadnotbeenimaginingherforthepastyearsincetheirencounterinClacton,norhuntingeverywherefortherosewaterscentofherhair,norrememberingthegentle,tremulouswayshehadflutteredhereyelashesasshe’dbeggedhispardonforthreateningtoshoothim.Itjustsohappenedhelikedtakingcoldbaths.
Thewomandisplayednogentlenessortremulousnessnow.Shewasasstiffas—
Well,probablybestnottofinishthatthought.AliceDearlovewasAgentA,hisgreatestrival.IfDanielfailedtokeepdistantfromher,he’dberiskingemotions—disturbance—disorder—thecompleteandabsolutelycatastrophicupheavaloftheworld.Itwasvitalthereforethathefocusonwork,andnotonthegracefulcurveofherjawabovethatpale,kissablethroat.
“Atrocious,”shesaid,andDaniel’sheartleaped,wonderingmadlyifhe’dspokenhismusingsaloud.ButAlicewasstaringattheshelvesoflinenthatstoodoppositethem.
“Hm?”hesaid.
Sheflickedafingertowardtheshelves.“Lookatthosefittedsheets,justrolleduphoweveryoumayplease.”
“Hm,”Danielagreed.
“Andwhereisthatdreadfulmusiccomingfrom?”Shefrownedaroundthecloset.Danielattemptedtoreply,butatthatmomenttheirdescenthaltedandthedoorswungopen.DanielindicatedtoAlicethatsheprecedehim,afterwhichhefollowedherintotheA.U.N.T.laboratory.
Therebeforethemlayalargeroomstyledasakitchen.Peopleinwhitecoatsbustledabout,attendingtotasksatbenchesandclutteredtables.AwallofclocksdisplayedcountdownsfordifferentteatimesinthemajorhouseholdsofLondon.Severallargesinkscontaineddishes,plants,andincomprehensibledevicesmadeofextrudedmetal;ahandwrittensignaboveonebeggedpeopletowashtheirowndetonationtriggersafteruse.
“Overhere!”calledathin-hairedmanwithabristlingmustache,wavingfromwherehestoodbesideacollectionofteapots.Danielfelthisskincrawl.HedislikedCorneliusSnodgrassfornobetterreasonthaninstinct,whichwasnotagoodreasonatall,buthecouldnotseemtoarguehimselfoutofit.Thereexistednodoubt,however,thatthemanrepresentedthebestinscientificinvention.Hewasanacclaimedgenius—oratleastwouldhavebeenacclaimedwerehenotworkingforahighlysecretorganization—andmuchofA.U.N.T.’ssuccessbelongedtohislaboratoryandtheremarkabletoolsitdevelopedtoassistagents
AsDanielwalkedbehindAlice,heheardtwopeopledebatingthevelocityfactorofasilverplateversusonemadeofchina;awomanchantingLatinwhilewavingapink-featheredduster;andatrioofmenclappingexcitedlyasakettleboiled(andthencheeringasitexploded).Somethingburnedinasink;thesmellofitmadeDanielfrown.
“Goodafternoon,”SnodgrassenthusedasAliceandDanieljoinedhim.HisscrawnylimbsseemedtoskirmishwitheachotherashesteppedforwardtoofferAliceahandshake.Shepretendednottoseeit.Blinkingmarsh-coloredeyes,heinsteadbegantomovethehandinDaniel’sdirectionbut,notingthestonylookDanielgavehim,withdrewithastily.“Isay,Mrs.Kewtoldmeallaboutyourassignment.Terrifyingbusiness,what?”
“Iwouldcallmarriagemoreaggravatingthanterrifying,”Alicerepliedcoolly.
Theman’smouthwavered.“Er,Imeantaboutthehousefilledwithpirates.”
Alicestaredathim,uncomprehending.
“Nevermind.”Hetossedoutatremblylittlelaugh;noonecaughtit.“Jollygoodstuff.Speakingofwhich,haha,Ihaveafewgadgetsherethatyoumightfindhelpful.”
“Teapots?”Danielaskedrepressively.
“No,thesearejustafewclandestinetelephonesthatarebeingsentouttobutlerstomorrowmorning.Thiscollectionisforyou.”
Turningtoasmalltable,hegesturedwithaflourishatitsclutterofordinaryobjects.DanielandAliceregardedhiminunimpressedsilence.
“Er,yes,well…Isay,hereisjustthethingforabeautifulnewbride!”HepresentedAlicewithagold-and-enamelbrooch.“Pressyourthumbovertherosedesignandyouwillbeabletohearpeople’sconversationevenfromadistance.Icallitthesuperrosadevice,haha.”
Alicejustlookedatthebrooch.Snodgrass,rockingexcitedlyontheballsofhisfeet,grewabruptlyimpatientandtookitfromher,turningitoverbeforeplacingitoncemoreonherpalm.
“See,thisetchedtextisaphraseoftheincantation,whichweadjustedto—”
“Incantation,”Alicesaid.
“Whyyes,youdidknowthatweuseelementsofthepirates’magicalflightincantationtocreateourspecialdevices?”(Hepausedwhilesomethingexplodedinthelaboratorybehindthem;“Sorry!”amansangout.)“AlthoughIshouldnotcallitthepirates’incantation,haha,sincereallyBerylBlackwasascientistatheart,evenifshedidusemagictoflyhouses,what?Sheandherhusbandwereundertakingageographicalsurveywhentheyshipwreckedonthatislandwhereshefoundtheincantation.Thepiratesmayhavegrabbeditforthemselves,butafterA.U.N.T.infiltratedtheirhouseholdsandstoleitfromthem,webeganapplyingittoitstruepurpose,thenoblepursuitof—”
“Yes,Iknowallthat,”Alicesaid.“Imeant,Idonotneedtheincantationtohelpmeheardistantconversations.Myhearingisgood;perhapstoogood.Forexample,thosetwowomensometwentyfeetbehindusaretalkingaboutusesforateaspoonthatIwouldrathernotrepeat.”
“Isay.”Snodgrass’sfacesagged.Hetookbackthebrooch,laiditsoftlyonthetable.
AlicebitherlipwithwhatlookedtoDanielsurprisinglylikepity.“Butifyouhaveoneofyourparachutehats…”
“Ido!”Snodgrassperkedupashereachedintoaboxbeneaththetableandbroughtforthabonnetsohideous,Danielactuallytookastepback.Linedwithpucevelvet,wrappedbymorelacethanevenMrs.Kewwouldabide,andathwartwithbeads,baubles,andwhatappearedtobefragmentsofbone,itwasindeedthesortofhatonetossedoutawindowtomakeitfly—onlynotwithoneselfattachedtoit.
“Onsecondthought,”Alicesaid,“ifIneedtojumpoffaroofIwilljustriskthebrokenleg.”
ThistimeitwasSnodgrass’sshouldersthatsagged.“Ihavesomethingforthegentleman,”hesaid,tryingtokeephistonechipperashereplacedthebonnet.
ButDanielalreadyhadarazorthatdoubledasalighter,andalighterthancouldcutthroughwire;andtheonyxringcontainingapistolprovedtoolargeforeitheroftheirhands.WhenAliceremovedthebackingofthehairbrush/voicerecorder,itcaughtfire,andwhenDanieltriedtoputouttheflamesusingafireextinguisherdisguisedasaperfumebottle,theyroaredevenhigherandthenthebrushoutrightexploded.BythistimesomanypartsofSnodgrassweresagging,hehadtoleanagainstthetabletokeepupright.
“Iwilltaketheumbrella,though,”Alicesaid.
“Isay!Youwill?”Snodgrassdrewhimselfuprightwithsuchexcitementhepracticallyreverberated.HehandedtheumbrellatoAliceasifofferinghisswordinfealtytoaqueen.“Thespokesallcontaindarts,andifyoupressthisbutton—”
“Actually,Ijustwantanumbrellabecauseit’srainingoutside.”
“Oh.”Thescientistlookedlikehemightcry.
“I’llhavethatsilverfobwatch,”Danielsaid.IfMissDearlovecouldshowpity,hecouldshowitevenmore.“Whatamazingthingdoesitdo?”
“Er.”Snodgrassblushedashetookupthewatch.“That’smine.IjusttookitoffwhenIwasworkinginthesink.Butyoucanhaveitifyoulike—”
Heheldoutthewatch,andDanielblinkedhastily.“No.No,thankyou.Ithinkwehaveeverythingweneed.Shallwebegoing,MissDearlove?”
“Butyoudidn’ttakeanything,”Snodgrasssaidastheagentsturnedtoleave.“You’llbefacingacrowdofpirateswithnomorethanyourwitsandexperience.”
DanielgaveAliceadrylook.Sherolledhereyes.
“Ithinkweshallmanage,Dr.Snodgrass,”shesaid.
“Butmytechnicalexpertiseisimperativetothesuccess—”
Therestofhissentencewaslostinaloudclapofnoiseasanotherexplosionoccurred,sendingpinkfeathersthroughtheair.
“Thankyouallthesame,”Danielsaid
Theywalkedbackthroughthelaboratory,weavingcarefullyawayfromsmallfiresandshudderingmechanicaldevices,Snodgrassbut-ingandI-say-ingbehindthemalltheway.Danielwasgladtoshuthimoutofthecloset.
“Iliketoconsidermyselfanacceptingkindoffellow,”hesaidastheclosetslowlyrose,“butthatisonemanIcannotabide.”
“Idetesthim,”Alicesaid,althoughhermildtonesuggestedshewaslessinterestedinSnodgrassthaninsurpassingDanielateventhis.Proppingtheumbrellaagainstawall,shetookafittedsheetfromtheshelfandbegantofoldit.
“Othercornerfirst,”Danielinstructed.
Shespearedhimwithaquellinglook.Undeterred,hesteppedforward,reachingforthesheet.“No,really—”
“Ibegyourpardon.”Shepulleditclosertoherself.“IknowwhatIamdoing.”
“Clearlynot,sincethatisthewrongcorner.”Hetookanotherstep.
“Touchthissheetandyoudie,”sheadvisedcalmly.
Hestaredatherforamoment,thenshotouthisarmsidewaysandslammedtheheelofhishandagainsttheemergencybutton.Theclosetshudderedtoahalt.
Aliceraisedoneeyebrow.
AndDanielloosenedhiscollarforthebattleahead.
Onthefloorabove,severalpeoplestoodwaitingforthecloset.Andwaiting.Andstillwaiting,sothatanumberofthemdrewwatchesfrompocketsrestively.Otherstappedrepeatedlyonthebuttonasifthatmighthastenthecloset’sarrival.
Suddenly,acrashechoeduptheshaft.Thegroupexchangedalarmedglances.Thenthefloorbegantoshudder,andaseriesofrapidbangsvibratedthroughthewall.Everyonesteppedbackfromtheclosetdoor,murmuringworriedly.
Ping!Thebuttonlit,andthegroupmovedbackevenfarther.Thedoorswungopen.
DanielBixbysteppedout,brushinganinvisiblespeckfromthelapelofhislongblackovercoat.Heappearedtonotevenseethegroup—forwhichtheyweregrateful,sinceeventhosewhodidn’tknowhe’dspentthreeyearsworkingwithapiratecouldsensehepossessedanenergyaboutasunbendingasaswordandequallydangerous.BehindhimcameAliceDearlove,whowasreputedtohaveinformedtheQueentoherroyalfacethatitwastryto,nottryand.Shewascarryingafurledumbrellaunderherarmandthegroupcringed,halfexpectinghertojabthemwithit.Butwithoutawordthetwoagentsstrodeoffalongthecorridor,allowingthegrouptobreatheagain.Theycautiouslyapproachedtheclosetandpeeredin.
Severalpeoplegasped.
Neverbeforehadthelittleroombeensoclean.Everyitemonitsshelveswasnotonlyfoldedtoperfectionbutorganizedaccordingtocolorandpurpose.Spiderwebsweregonefromcorners;scuffmarksonthefloorhadvanished.Thegrouplookedatoneanothernervously,thenturnedawayandtookthestairs.
AlicewasbemusedtofindMr.BixbyfollowingheroutofA.U.N.T.headquarters,intothegloombetweenrainshowers.Shefeltall-peopled-outafterthemorningandwantedtogohome,closethecurtains,andhugabookuntilhernervessettled.Shecertainlywantedsomedistancefromthisparticularman.AgentBattractedherinawaythatwas(1)entirelyunprofessional,(2)physicallydaunting,and(3)holdingoneedgeofhertranquilityandsmilingwithasuggestionthatanymomentnowitmighttug.
“Forgiveme,sir,”shesaid,glancingathim.“Butyoudounderstandwearenotinfactmarried?”
“Ido,”hesaid,ironicallyenough.“However,IthoughtImightescortyouhomeandalongthewaywecoulddevelopourcoverstory—shareaboutourhobbies,forexample,ourfavoritefoods,ourfamilyhistories.”
Alicehuffedasmall,drylaughatthatlastsuggestion.Surelythemanwasjoking.A.U.N.T.neverpromotedanyonewithfamilytotheireliteforce.Theriskofemotionalconflict,blackmailthreats,orpeoplewantingtotakeChristmasholidayswassimplytoogreat.
“Idonotthinkmyorphanagechildhoodisanappropriatesubjectfordecentconversation,”shesaid.“Perhaps,ifneeded,Icouldinventjolly,red-cheekedparentswholiveinthecountrysideandsendmeknittedgoodsonmybirthday.”
Danielfrowned.“Idoubtthatwouldwork.”
“Whynot?”
“Well,grantedIwasraisedinanorphanagetoo,sohavelittleknowledgeoffamiliesoutsideofnovels,butjollyparentswhoacknowledgeone’sbirthdaysoundsdubioustome.”
Aliceconsideredthis,thennodded.“True.Ishalldoresearchandprovideawrittensheetofinformationwhenwereportbackforduty.”
Daniellookedupfromtheblackgloveshewasdonning,andwhilehisfaceremainedimpassive,Alicesawaglintofasmileinhiseyes.Eitherthatorareflectionofstreetlighting.Althoughitwasnotrainingatthemoment,darkcloudssocloggedtheskythatthelampshadbeenlit.Intheferalshadowsbetweenthem,withhisblackclothes,andhishairslightlybreezestirred,DanielBixbylookedalotlikeamanwhohadconsortedwithpiratesandknewexactlyhowtomakeawomanwalktheplank.
Shepaledatthethought.
“What?”hesaid,noticingheralteredexpression.
“Nothing.”
“Tellme.”
Sheshruggeduncomfortably.“Iwasjustthinkingabouthowonewouldescapebeingthrustontoapieceofwoodthatisjuttingout…”
“Youmeanlikeapirate’splank?Ithelpstohaveeithertraininginacrobaticsorelseaparachute.”Hegaveheralong,penetratinglook.“Doyouhaveacrobaticexperience,MissDearlove?”
“Notyet,”sheadmitted.
“What,notevenahandstand?”
“I’mwaitingfortherighttrainer.Isupposeyouhaveexperience,Mr.Bixby.”
“Some.”Hewentonlookingather,andshefeltherstomachcurlasifhisgazehadreachedrightinandwasstrokingit.“Icouldteachyouafewmoves,”hesaid.“Abackwardsomersaultmaybe,oracartwheel,sothatwhenyoufindyourselfwalkingaplankyouknowwhattodo.”
Aliceyankedherselfawayfromthatunblinkinggazeandfrownedinthegeneralvicinityofnothingatall.Theairhadbecomesomuggyshefeltsureanymomenttherewouldbeagreatrushofrain,wettingherrightthrough.
“Icanmanagemyself,thankyou,”shesaid.“Awomanisentirelycapableofcartwheelingonherown.”
“Iagree,”Danielsaid.“Butitismoreenjoyablewhenyouhavesomeoneelsetoflipyou.”
Aliceopenedhermouthtoretortbutcouldnotthinkofanythingsuitablyrepressive.Thefactwas,mutualacrobaticssoundedratherfun.But,Aliceremindedherself,shedidnotdofun.Shewassensiblerightthroughtoherlumbarvertebraeandsternum.Sotheywalkedinsilenceuntilshestoppedattheentrancetoanarrowalley.
“Igothisway.Thereforegoodday,Mr.Bixby.”
Danieleyedthegrottydarknessofthealley.“Igothatwaytoo.”
Alicebristled.“Youdonot.YoubelieveIneedprotectionandarebeinggallant.”
“Iambeingreasonable.”
“Hm.Interestingwordchoice.Allowmetoofferasynonym.”Andshesmackedhimwiththeumbrella,turnedsharplyonaheel,andmarchedawaydownthealley.
Amomentlater,footstepssynchronizedwithhers.
“Knitting?”heasked.
Sheglancedathimbriefly,irritably.“What?”
“Orembroidery?Orperhapsyoupaintwatercolors?”
“Ihavenohobbies,Mr.Bixby.”Click-clickwenthershoesagainstthecobblestones,andasshelistenedtotheemphaticsound,Aliceremindedherselfshewasasuccessful,professionalwoman,andDanielBixbywasaltogetherallur—thatistosay,annoying
“Notevenreading?”heasked,easilymatchingherstride.
“Readingisnotahobby,”shesaid.“Itisawayoflife.”
Hewassilentamomentasheconsideredthis,thenhenoddedinagreement.
“Isupposeyouplayguitarorputshipsintobottles,”shesaidinatonesowryitsoundedlikeithadperformedseveralacrobaticmovesandwasnowlyingbacksmokingacigarette.
“No.Justreading,sameasyou.Bytheway,youdorealizethereareacoupleofsuspiciousfigureslurkingbehindthosebinsfartheralongthestreet?”
“Ofcourse.Iamnotworried.”
“Perhapsyoushouldbe.”
Shearchedaneyebrow.“Why,sir?BecauseIamawoman?”
“No,becauseyouaredressedinconvenientlyforself-defense.Yourbustleistoosmalltosuffocateaman,yourdresslacksenoughlayerstotanglesomeoneup,andyoudonothaveevenoneribbontoemployasagarrote.”
“Nevertheless,Iamentirelycapableofhandlinganattack.”
“Hm”wasallhesaid—butitprovedmorethanenoughtoconflagrateAlice’stemper,whichhadgrowntinderdrysincethelinencloset.Shestoppedabruptlyinthemiddleofthealley.
“You!”Shepointedherfurledumbrellaatthesuspiciouslyloiteringmen.
Theyleaped,startled.“Us?”oneofthemsaidwarily.
“Yes.Comehere,please.Irequireyoutorobme.”
Thetworuffiansglancedbemusedlyateachother.“Er,no,thankyou,”onesaid.“Kindofyoutooffer,miss,butweain’tthieves.”
“I’msureyouwilldoyourbest.Stepquickly,ifyouplease.Ihaven’tallday.”
Themennowturnedwide,ratherpleadingeyestoDaniel,whostoodwithhishandsinhiscoatpocketsandamildlyamusedexpressiononhisface.“Don’taskme,”hesaid,shrugging.“I’mjustherhusband.”
“Youarenot,”Alicesaiddisdainfully.
“No?Whydon’tyoushowthemenyourprettyweddingring?”
Hereyesflashed.“Goodidea.”Yankingoffherglove,sheheldthebarehanduptotheruffiansandpointedtoitsring.“Youcanstealthis.Itmustbeworth—”Sheturnedherhand,consideredthering,thenshrugged.“Well,probablynotalot,tobehonest,butitwillsurelybuyyouanicesupper.Hurryup,now.”
Themenshuffledoutoftheshadowsasiftheyweremicedrawnirresistiblytoacat.“Seehere,lady,”onesaid.“We’rejustmindingourownbusiness,andyou’venocalltobargeininsistingwerobyou.It’sindecent,itis.”
“Ihavethreechildrenathome,”saidtheother.“Won’tyouthinkofthem?”
AliceturnedtorollhereyesatDaniel.Helookedbackwithanexpressionsomewherebetweenchallengingherandwonderingwhatonearthshewoulddonext.Turningbacktotheruffians,hoistingherumbrella,shemotionedforthemtogetamoveon.
Theyedgedintothecenterofthealley.Mostlikelythiswassotheycouldrunaway,butimmediatelyAlicelaunchedintoself-defense.Withaleap—akick—aswivelandpunch—shehadonemanonthegroundandtheotherscramblingtoflee.Calmlyaimingtheumbrellaathim,shesquintedalongitslength,andthen,satisfiedshehadhertargetlinedupwithprecision,shepushedthebuttontoactivatetheincantation.
Thwomp.
Theumbrellaburstopen.Theworldexplodedinlightandsquealingnoise.
Ohdear,Alicethoughtinthefractionofasecondremainingtoherbeforeshewasflungviolentlybackward.ShecrashedintoDanielandtheywentdowntogetherinatangleoflimbs.
Immediatelyherolledherover,shieldingherwithhisbodyfromanyfurtherpossiblecalamity.Thehardweightofhimpressedheragainstthecobblestones,buthetuckedahandbeneathherhead,liftingitgently.Shefeltthepulseinhisneckbeatagainstherlips.Shetastedsalt,smelledthecoolvanillascentofsoap—andsuspectedthattheumbrellahadbeenelectrified,becausesparkswereflaringallthroughherblood.
“Areyouallright?”heasked.Thewordsweremuted,butshefeltthemvibratingthroughhisthroat,againsthermouth.Severalhithertounknowninstinctsurgedhertostrokehertongueagainsttheminreply,evenwhilemorefamiliaronesweresettingupbarricadesandunrollingbarbedwire.
“IwillbeonceIcanbreathe,”shesaid.
Heclimbedoffher,butsheremainedlyingthere,tryingtoadjusttohissuddenabsence.Fiddlesticks.Theairwassomuchthinner,fretful,withhimgone.Heheldoutahandtoassisther;ignoringit,sheclamberedawkwardlytoherfeet.
“I’mfine,”shesaid,despitethebruisesshewaslikelytohavetomorrow,nottomentionthefactthatherhatwasonfire—thankfullyfartheralongthealley,notonherhead.“You?”
Danielwincedasherubbedahip.“Lessinclinedtosay‘Itoldyouso’thanIthoughtIwouldbe.”
“DratSnodgrass,”Alicemuttered,glaringattheumbrella,whichlayseveralfeetaway.Smokerosefromitstwisted,shreddedwreckage.Theruffianswerelongsincedeparted.
“Itcouldbeworse,”Danielsaid.“Imagineifyou’dtakenthebroochinstead.”
Alicebrushedloosestrandsofhairawayfromherface.“AtleastthishasshownbeyonddoubtthatIamabletotakecareofmyself.Asidefromtheexplosion.Andthebeingflungsomedistance.Andtheburninghat.Otherthantheseminorissues,Ihaveprovedmyselfentirelyincontrol.Therefore,Ishallbegoinghomealonefromhere.”
“Itwouldprobablybesafest,”Danielagreed.“Thankyouforthebriefandexcitinghoneymoon.”
Shegavehimabewilderedfrown,thenshrugged.“Iwillseeyoulaterthisweek.”
Sheturnedtoleave.
“Don’tforgetyourumbrella,”hesaid.“Litteringisanoffense.”
Heturnedintheotherdirection.
Andastheywenttheirseparateways,thecloudsburstopen,emptyingastormoverthem.4rattleshack—danielattemptshumor,withforeseeableresults—harder—creepingdamp—spit,fire!spout,rain!—aliceismoresinnedagainstthansinning
Thebetterpartofvalorisdeception.Alice,standingbesideDanielintheA.U.N.T.stableyard,lookingatthetiny,decrepitcottagethatwastoflythemtoHampshire,convincedherselfshefeltnotintheleastnervous.ShealsoconvincedDanielofthis,thankstothetranquilityofhercountenance.Sheconvincedthestewardwhokepthandingherinsurancedisclaimerstosign.Andsheevenconvincedherselfthatshereallyhadconvincedthem,despiteherpallorandthewayherpocketflutteredfromthetappingfingersinside.
“Justkeepallthewindowsshutanddon’tgoabovethirtymilesanhour,andyoushould—er,youwillbefine,”thestewardsaid,handingDanielthekey.Behindhim,thecottage’swindowshuttersclatteredinthemildbreezeandarooftilefelloff.Afalseflagofpiraticnatureflappedmournfully,moregraythanblack.
“Whathappenedtothechimney?”Aliceasked,eyeingthecrackedbrickworkuncertainly.
Thestewardmutteredsomethingaboutanagent,anopossum,andastickofdynamite.
“Ithoughtthiswasatop-prioritymission,”Danielsaid.
“Itis,”thestewardreplied.“AgentJoverthereisonalessimportantmission.”
Theylookedbehindthemtowhereayoungmanwearingablacktuxedoanddesperateexpressionwastryingtokick-startachickencoop.
“Now,”thestewardsaid,flickingthroughthepapersonhisclipboard.“Ithinkwehaveeverythinginorder.Ijustneedtocheckyourluggage.”
“Why?”
Daniel’stonewouldhavedauntedmostmen,butthestewardwasnotmuchmorethanhalfaheartandastackofchecklists,andtheonlythingthatdauntedhimwasrunningbehindschedule.“Ineedtoensureyou’renotcarryingitemsthatmightjeopardizethemission.Unauthorizedweaponryandsoforth.”Hewavedhispeninperemptoryfashion.“Openyoursuitcase,please.”
Danielshrugged.Crouchingdown,helaidhissuitcaseflatonthegroundandopenedit.Thestewardgasped.
“Youcannotbeserious!”
Alicepeeredintothecaseandalmostsmiledtoseeitscontents.Theremusthavebeentwodozenbookscrammedin.
“Whataboutclothing?Personalaccessories?”thestewardasked.
Danielindicatedtheduffelbaghangingfromhisshoulder.
“Surelythat’sinadequate?”
“Iagree,”Danielsaid,“butIcouldn’tfitinanymorebooks.HopefullyStarkthornCastlehasadecentlibrary.”
Thestewardshookhisheadwithdisapproval,thenturnedtoAlice,flickinghispenather.“Younow.”
Shelaiddownhersuitcaseandopenedit.
Thestewardrattledthepenagainsthisclipboard.
“Hm,”Danielsaid,lookingover.“Pocketeditions.Wisechoice.AndisthatafirsteditionofCrimeandPunishmentIsee?”
“Yes,”Aliceanswered.“Ibroughtitalongforalittlelightentertainment.AfterI’vefinished,youmayborrowitifyouwish.”
Heflashedherawarmsmile.Stunned,Alicewastryingtodecidehowsheoughttorespondwhenthesteward’sofficiousvoice,tappinglikehispen,demandedattention.
“Sodidyoubringanyclothes,MissDearlove?”
Sheliftedtheduffelbagatherfeet.
Thestewardregardeditincredulously.“Mywifeneedsthreetimesthatspacejustforherunmentionables.”
“I’mgoodatfoldingthings,”Alicesaid.SheheardasnortofdisagreementfromDanielbutdarednotlookathimagainlesthecompletelyoverwhelmherwithanotherfacialexpression.
“Iwilljustdoafinalcheckofyourdisguise,”thestewardsaid,“thenyoucango.”Hesurveyedhercritically.“Thathatisnotbigenough.”
Alicesetahandagainsttheyellowstructurebalancedatapertangleuponherintricatelycurledpompadour.“Ithasthreefeathersandapapier-machébutterfly,”sheargued.
Thestewardsniffedagain,unconvinced.Hejabbedhispenatherdress.“Pink!Itwassupposedtobefuchsia.Anddoyoucallthatabustle?”Tuckingtheclipboardunderhisarm,hesnappedhisfingersandayoungassistantdashedforwardwithatapemeasure.ThestewardsetitagainsttheprotrudingrearofAlice’sskirt.“Sixinches.Entirelyunsuitableforapirate—youcouldn’tevenfitapistolinthere.Andyou!”
Danielstaredstonilyatthesteward,butitwastonoavail.“Youlookfartoogood,AgentB.Yoursuitisimpeccable,yourpostureunbowedbyyearsoftryingtomanageahistrionicwife.”
DanielglancedatAlice.“Shedoesnotlookparticularlyhistrionictome,hatnotwithstanding.AndthissuitwasmadebyatailorfromPanama,charmingfellow,muchindemandwithpirategentlemen.Besides,I’llhaveyounotemyearring.”
Heturnedhisheadtobetterdisplaythesmallsilverringinhisleftear.Seeingit,Alicefeltasurgeofsomethingindeedlikehistrionicsinherblood.Thestewardmutteredagainbutreluctantlysignedthemoff,andwithoutfurtherado,theyenteredthecottage.
Insidetheyfoundasingleroomfurnishedwithonerathergrimysofaandacrateservingasatable.Abenchheldteasuppliesandthekindofbiscuitsfoundinofficeseverywhere—plain,dusty,andinevitablysoftwhenyoubiteintothem.Awoodenchairstoodinfrontofthesteeringarray.Thewheelitselfwasmissingtwospokesandhadbeenattachedtothefloorwitharustedboltandstripsofoldadhesivetape.Thewindowinfrontofitlackedcurtains,latches,oranyindicationofeverhavingbeencleaned.
“Howarewesupposedtoliveinthisforaweek?”Aliceasked,alreadyscratchinginanticipationoffleas.“There’snotevenonlyonebed.”
“We’llstayinthecastle,”Danielsaidasheinspectedthenavigationaltools.“Mostoftheattendeeswilldothesame,althoughthey’llparktheirownhousesnearbyincaseoftrouble.”
“Whatkindoftrouble?”Aliceliftedthekettle,notingtheincantationetchedintoitscoppersurface,whichenabledittoboilwaterwithouttheaidofastove.Thatwasarelief.Shemightcontracttetanusoverthenextfewhoursinthisshack,butatleasttherewouldbetea.
“Anykindoftroubletheycanthinkup,”Danielsaid.“Andpirateshavegoodimaginations.”Heopenedadoor,thenregardedwithsomebemusementthehandle,whichhadcomeoffinhisgrip.Reattachingitwithoutmuchsuccess,helookedwarilyintotheroom.
“Watercloset,”hereported,grimacing.“Consideringitsstate,let’sjustsaywe’refortunatetohaveonlyashortjourney.”
“Fireextinguisher,”Aliceadded,liftingthelidofthecrateandpeeringinside.“Althoughitlookstooheavytolift,and”—shejiggledalooseswitchontheside,causingaclatterinsidethescratchedanddentedmetalbody—“Ithinkit’sbroken.”
“EvenO’Riley’sbattlehousewasn’tsodilapidated,”Danielsaid.Seeingherexpression,hesmiledgently.“Don’tworry.Icanflymostthings,andifitcomestotheworst,we’llditchthecottageandgetsomebicyclesinstead.”
“Oursuitcaseswon’tfitonbicycles.”
Hissmiletilted.“Itwasajoke,MissDearlove.Atactictoeaseyournerves.”
“Idon’thavenerves.”
“That’sallright,Idon’thaveasenseofhumor.Well,I’dbettergetusup.”
Hemovedtowardthewheel,andAliceshiftedoutofhisway.Butthespacewasmorelimitedthaneitherofthemappreciated,andashepassedby,Danielinadvertentlybrushedhishandagainsthers.
Threesecondslaterherealizedthishadbeenunfortunate,mainlyduetothefacthewaslyingonhisbackwithherbootedfootonhischest.Heblinkeddazedlyupather,andshewinced.
“Idobegyourpardon,”shesaid.“Iamaversetobeinglightlytouched.”
“Yes,Inoticed.”
“MayIhelpyouup?”
“Perhapsthatwouldbeunwise,sinceitwouldrequiretouching.”
“Astronggripisfine,”shesaid,holdingoutherhand.“Indeed,thestrongerthebetter.Iimagineitisaby-productofcombattraining.Doletmehelp.”
Hetooktheofferedhandandshehelpedhimtorise,althoughhewassignificantlymoreathleticthanher,andwhateverassistancesheprovidedwasbywayofappearanceonly.Oncehewasonhisfeet,sheexpectedhimtoreleaseherhand,buthewentonholdingit,harderandharder,hisfaceentirelyquietashewatchedhersforareaction.
Sheswalloweddrylyasherfingersturnedscarlet.
“Youareremarkablytoughforsuchadelicatewoman,MissDearlove,”hesaid
“Fiddlesticks,”shewhispered.Thebonesinherhandbegantoburninamostthrillingmanner.
“Pardonme?”
“Imayseemdelicate,butmostpeopleareoverlycarefulbecauseofit.Theyaregentle.”Sheshuddered.
“So,”Danielsaidmusingly.“Nolighttouches.Nojokes.Nosugarinthetea.”Heregardedheramomentlonger,thentookastepcloser,twistingherarmsotheirclutchedhandspressedagainstherheartbeat.Hiseyeshadbecomealmostsilver.Hisexpressionwasclassified.“Shallwehaveanagreement,MissDearlove?Iwillnotbegentlewithyou.Doesthatsoundgood?”
Lickingherlips,butknowingitwasfutile—knowingallherwordswereash—Alicenodded.Somethingcreakedbehindhim,andtheyblinkedateachother.Alice’sstomachtingledassherecognizedherownsecret,silentlanguageinDaniel’seyes.Shenoddedagaininresponse,andhetookhalfastepback,liftingherhandinhis.Shehauledupherskirt,setafootagainsthisthigh,andinoneseamlessmovementhepulledheroffthegroundandspunthembotharound.
Shekickedwithherfreeleg,smashingthesquareheelofherbootintothemanwhohadbeencreepingtowardthem.Withacry,hestumbled,thencollapsedtotheground.Danielreleasedher,andAliceleapedoverthebodytolandeasilyonthedustywoodenfloor.Butevenbeforeshehadturnedwithherguninhand,Danielhadhisowndrawnandwasaimingitatthemanbeneaththem,whocoweredbehindspindlyarms.
“Isay!Don’tshoot!”
Sighinginannoyedunison,AliceandDanieluncockedtheirguns.
“Awordofadvice,Dr.Snodgrass,”Danielsaid.“DonotapproachA.U.N.T.fieldagentswithoutannouncingyourselffirst.”
“Yes,”Snodgrasssaidmeekly,clamberingupandrubbinghischestwhereAlicehadkickedhim.“Iseethatnow.Jollygood.Myapologies.”
“Whyareyouhere,Doctor?”Aliceaskedassheslippedhergunbackintoasecretpocketofherskirt.
Snodgrassheldoutafoldedpieceofpaper.IttrembledinhishandwhileAliceandDanielregardeditexpressionlessly.Realizingneitherwasgoingtotakeit,Snodgrassattendedtotheunfoldinghimself.“Myassignmentnotice.See,hereisMrs.Kew’ssignature.Ihavebeenincludedonthemissionastechnicaladviser,posingasyourvalet.Ibroughtalongseveralclothingbrushesandaspeciallydesignedshavingsetforthepurpose.”
“I’mgoingtodiefrommyjawcatchingfire,aren’tI?”DanielsaidtoAlice.
“I’mafraidso,”sheagreed.
“Howdroll!Hahahaha,”Snodgrasstrilled—andonlysurviveddoingsobecausetherewereagencyregulationsagainstassassinatingacolleagueforthecrimeofbeingdamnedannoying.
“Verywell,”Danielsaidinatonethatmadeclearitwas,infact,notverywellatall.“Therearesixty-fivemilestoHampshireanditlookslikeastormiscomingin.Ihopeyoudon’tgetairsick,Doctor.”
“Isay.Notatall,what.”
Alicesatrigidlyonthesofa,grippinghermissionbriefingnoteswithwhite-knuckledhandsandtryingnottolistentoSnodgrassvomitinginthewatercloset.Shewasnotnewtoflying.ShehadevensurvivedgoingupinLadyArmitage’sbattlehouse.Theysayapirate’shouseisanembodimentoftheirsoul;inLadyArmitage’scase,thismeantunstable,untrustworthy,andinclinedtobunnyhopwhereveritpleased.Butflyingwithherhadbeenagentlecruisecomparedtothisjourney.Rainbatteredagainstthelittlecottage.Turbulentaircausedittoshudderanddrop,takingAlice’sstomachalongwithit.Kitchenutensilsclattered,navigationtoolsslidbackandforthacrosstheirshelf,andsomethingbeneaththefloorboardsmoanedasifaresidentghostwishedhewasevendeader.
“Uughgghhh,”Snodgrasscriedout.Alicefoundherselfagreeingwithhim.
Atthewindow,Danielsatwithonebootedfootproppedonthewheel,calmlyreadingDickensandeverynowandthenlookinguptomurmuraphraseoftheflightincantationashisfoottippedthewheelslightlyonewayoranother.HiscasualairofcompetencywouldhavesetAlice’snervesafirewithardorweretheynottremblingsomuchthatanyflamewouldhavebeenimmediatelyextinguished.
Shehadaskedhimearlier,outofconcernforthelongflighttime,whyhewasnotusingthemomentumautomaticaphrasetokeepthecottagemovingonitsown.Standingbesidehimatthewheel,armscrossed,she’dbeenseekingsomethingtocriticizeandthishadbeenthebestshecouldmanage.Themanflewlikeapirate,albeitwithacompletelackofswaggerorhatfeathers.
“Althoughthewheelisonlyaconduitfortheincantation’smagic,”he’dsaid,“thisoneissodecrepitIdoubtitcouldmanagethemomentumautomatica.Butthere’sactuallynoneedforthepilottoincantatewithoutpause.Onephrasecancarryahousequiteadistance.”He’dgivenheraglancingsmile.“Wouldyouliketotakethehelmforawhile,MissDearlove?”
“No,thankyou.”
“Fairenough.Itisdifficultweather.”
Shehadbristledattheinsinuation.Whatexactlyhe’dbeeninsinuating,shehadn’tknown,butbristlinghadcertainlyseemedcalledfor.“Icouldfly.IfIwantedto.ButIamdisinclinedtojudgespeedordistance.”
“Disinclined.”
Shehadpausedamomentasdignitywrestledwithpedantry.“Unable.”
“Itissimplyamatterofmathematics.”
“?‘Simplymathematics’isanoxymoron.”
Danielhadstaredintothemiddledistancewithamildlyperplexedfrown,asiftryingtocalculatehowsomeonemightnotenjoymaths.“Butyoudoknowtheincantation?”
“Ofcourse.”Alice’sreplyhadbeensodefensive,she’dmanagedtofitawholerampart,catapult,andcauldronofboilingoilintotwowords.“Iwrotemythird-yearessayonBerylBlack.Myanalysisofhererrorinsharingtheincantationwithherbookclub,andtheschismthatfollowedwhentheysplitintopiratesandwitches,wonmeanaward.”
“Hm.DidyouincludeJemming’stheoryofWillfulContradiction?”
“Naturally.”
“Mydismantlingofthattheory,andtherealforcesbehindthepirateschoosingtousethemagicforflightandthewitchesfortelekinesis,wonmeanawardformythird-yearessay.”
They’dstaredateachotherwithoutblinking.Anyonewalkingbetweenthematthatmomentwouldhavesufferedthird-degreeburns.
“We’reabouttohitaflockofbirds,”Alicehadcommentedmildly.
Danielhadreachedoutandturnedthewheelwithoutlooking.
“Igraduatedwithhonors,”he’dsaid
“Igraduatedwithhonorsandmyportraithunginthestudenthall.”
“WouldIrecognizeit,orwereyouindisguise?”
Atthat,thestrangestsensationhadrippledthroughherthroat.Foronewild,disturbingmoment,Alicehadthoughtshemightactuallylaugh.Liftingherchindisdainfully,she’dturnedtoglareoutthewindow.
“Idoknowtheincantation,”she’dsaid,returningtotheirpreviouspointofconversation,“butIcannotseemtogetitfrommybrainintoaction.Thereisjusttoomuch—”Toomuchfeelinginvolved.Toomuchenergyinfusedwithair,ocean,andferalpower.Shecouldbarelybreathecontemplatingit;actuallyperformingitleftherajitteringwreckwithinminutes.Evenwhensheappliedthemostbasicaereoincantationtoamereteaspoon,sheendedupdizzy,nauseated,andstrugglingtoassureherselfshewasnotasmallpieceoftableware.Makingahousegoaereomightjustcrushhermind.
Buthowcouldoneexplainthat,especiallytoone’sprimerival,withoutsoundingpeculiar?Soshe’dwalkedaway,madeteainstead.
Teashenowwishedshehadnotdrunkasthehouselurchedagain,windscreamingthroughagapinthewindowframe,tilesclatteringoverheadastheybrokeawayandtumbleddowntheroof.Fromthewatercloset,Snodgrasswept.Danielturnedapageinhisbook.
Alicesupposedsheoughttostudythemissiondossier.She’dalreadymemorizeditsessentialelements:hernamewastobeAliceBlakeney,alsoknownasAtrociousAlice.DanielwashereafterBlakeneytheBad.(Thesteward’sassistanthadtriedcallinghimDreadfulDan,andDanielhadjustlookedathimuntilthepoorboynearlydroppedhisclipboard.)They’dreceivedtheirpartyinvitationfromFrederickBassingthwaite’sbutler,anundercoverA.U.N.T.agent,onthepremiseofhavingrecentlyreturnedfromAmsterdamandbeinginneedofnewfriendstovisit,entertain,andhopefullyonedayassassinate.Marriedthreeyears,theyenjoyedsuchhobbiesas—
Alicewinced.Undernocircumstanceswasshegoingtosayherhobbywastiltingatwindmills.Oncethestormhadpassed,shewouldhavetodiscussamoreliteratebackstorywithDaniel.
Suddenlythecottagedroppedwhatfeltlikeathousandfeetinonesecond.Snodgrasswailed.Aliceclutchedtheedgeofthesofainamannerthatwasnotatallduetofear—herhandsimplyfeltmostcomfortablegrippingtheupholsteryuntilturning(hopefullynotappropriately)ghostwhite.
“It’sfine,”Danielsaidfromthewheel.
“Iknow,turbulence,”Alicemanagedtoanswerthroughclenchedteeth.
“Actually,thatwasapirateflyingpastalittletooclose.”Hestoodwiththekindofcasual,unhurriedmovementthatsetsoffalarmbellsinanobservantwatcher’smind;layinghisbookonthechair,hesetbothhandstothewheel.
“MissDearlove,”hesaidlightly.“Wouldyoubesokindastobracefor—”
Crash!
Thehouseshookviolently.Suitcasestumbledacrossthefloor;thekettlefell.Fromthewaterclosetcameasplashingsound,andSnodgrassscreamed.
“—impact,”Danielconcluded.
Aliceclamberedfromthesofa,andwhilethehousetippedfromsidetosidelikeaseesawbeingoperatedbyviciouslycompetitivetoddlers,shestumbledacrosstotheflightwindow.Danielglancedatherasshelurchedagainstthewall.
“Irecommendyoureturntoyourseat,”hesaidinacalmlyconversationaltone.“YouwillbemorecomfortabletherewhileIdealwith—”
Theskyflashed.Notlightning,Alicerealized,seeingalarge,ornateconservatoryloomingoutside.Cannonfire.
“—thisspotofbother,”Danielsaid.
“Peopleinglasshousesshouldnotthrowcannonballs!”
“True,”Danielagreed.“Unfortunately,piratesaren’tverykeenonshoulds.Holdon.”
Aliceassumedhemeanttotakeamomentofsilencetoregatherhisthoughts,butinfacthemeantliterallyholdon.Swingingthewheelstarboard,heintonedseveralphrasesoftheflightincantation,andthecottageveeredsharply.Somethingshattered.Thesofatippedupsidedownandskiddedacrosstheroomtosmashagainstawall.
“Perhapsyouwouldnothavebeencomfortablethereafterall,”Danielremarked.
Alice,clutchingthewindowsillfordearlife(andDearlove,forthatmatter,sinceshefearedifsheletgoshewouldsufferthesamefateasthesofa),staredamazedlyattheman.Hisfacewasentirelysereneashewedgedabootheelagainstoneofthewheelspokessoastoforcethewheelaroundevenasitstrainedagainstthepressureofmagic.Thewheelgroaned.Theairseemedtotwistandheat.Snodgrasscrawledoutofthewatercloset,soakingwetandwithbloodstreakinghisforehead.
“Whatishappening?”hewailed.
“Justhavingasmalldisagreementwithapirate,”Danielexplained.“Nothingtoworryabout.”
Crash!
Chimneybricksclatteredovertheroofandrainedpastthewindow.Acloudofblackashanddustbillowedfromthefireplace.Peeringoverthewindowsill,Alicesawtheconservatory’scannonsmoking.
“Ifthisisasmalldisagreement,”shesaid,“whatwouldhappeninalargeone?”
“We’ddie,”Danielsaid.Heremovedhisfootfromthewheel,andspokesseemedtoblurasthewheelspunback.AstringofLatinwordsurgeditfaster,faster;Alicecouldhaveswornshesawthewoodsparking.Arumbleshookthehouse—
“Thatwasthunder,”Danielassuredher.
Hehadbarelyfinishedspeakingwhenanotherrumblesentshuttersslammingacrossthewindow,thenbackagain,leavingcrackedpanesintheirwake.
“Thatonewasgunfire.”
“Bother,”Alicesaid.Shedrewthepistolfromherdresspocket,butDanielshookhishead.
“Thatwon’thavethenecessaryrange.Dr.Snodgrass,didyoupackanyweaponsinyoursuitcase?”
“Unnghghugh,”Snodgrassreplied.
DanielandAliceexchangedadrylook.
“I’llgo,”Alicesaid.Shereeledacrosstheroom,pushingherselffromchairtobenchtoupturnedsofauntilfinallyreachingSnodgrass’ssuitcase.Shewrestledwiththelatches,wincingasthelidsuddenlyflungopen.Aclutterofmetalobjectsandunderclothestumbledout.Aliceimmediatelysnatchedwhatappearedtobearotaryeggbeater.
“IsthiswhatIthinkitis?”sheaskedSnodgrass.
Hepeeredupfromwherehehadcoiledhimselfagainstthekitchenbench.“Youcan’tusethatwhileinflight!”hecried.“Itwillbedisastrous!”
Takingthatforapositivereply,Aliceclamberedtoherfeetoncemoreandstaggeredbacktothewindow.
“Don’ttryit!”Snodgrassshouteddesperately.“Isay,don’ttryit!”
“Beforeyoudo,”Danielsaid,“showmeyourpetticoat.”
Alicerolledhereyes.“Forheaven’ssake,”shemurmured.“Men!”Nevertheless,sheliftedherskirttorevealtheheavy,lace-trimmedpetticoatbeneath
Daniel’smouthtwitchedwithwhatmighthavebeenasmileormerelyaconsequenceofspeakingwildpiraticmagic.
“Satisfied?”Aliceasked.
“Absolutely,”hesaid.
Flingingherhemdownagain,Aliceturnedandunlatchedthewindow,thenpusheditajar.Coldrainpeltedher;thewindhowled.Grimacingattheforceofit,sheleanedagainstthesideofthewindowandtookaimwiththeeggbeater.
Thepirate’sconservatoryhungabovethecottage,silentandsteadydespitethestorm.Alicefoundshecouldnotlineuptheeggbeatereffectivelyatthisangle,soshehoistedherselfontothewindowsillandleanedout.Theskywasatumultofdarkness.Thegroundwassofarbelowastobebutadream.
Proppingherfeetagainstthefaredgeofthewindow,wedgingherselfassecurelyaspossible,Alicetookadeepbreath.Thensheletgoofthewindowsillandturnedthebeater’srotaryhandle.
Astreamoftinymissilesshotfromtheendofthebeater,flaringwithstormlightastheyflew.Hittingtheconservatory,theytriggeredaseriesofexplosionswithunexpectedforce.Flamesburstthroughthegloom;glassshattered.Theconservatorylurchedandbegantotopplesideways.Danielsteeredthecottageaway,butthebeater’sincantationjostledwiththeflightincantation,causinganimbalance.Thecottageveeredrightintotheconservatory.
Asafiercejoltwentthroughher,Alicedroppedtheeggbeater,sendingitplummetinghundredsoffeettoearth.Instinctivelyshereachedforit.Danielshoutedsomething,butshedidnothearhim,forherbalancewentthesamewayastheeggbeaterandthensheherselffollowed,tippingheadfirstoutthewindowintothestorm.5descentintomadness—theworst-casescenario—teaandbiscuits—adangerousriddle—alicecausesshockanddismay
Thetwomostimportantdaysinyourlifearethedayyouarebornandthedayyouchoosetowearanenchantedpetticoatjustincaseyoufallfromaflyingcottage.Assheplungedthroughicy,howlingrain,Aliceunbuttonedherskirtandletitfallawayfromher.Withitwentapearl-handledrevolverandanillustratededitionofEuripides’splays,whichhadbeentuckedintoasecretpocket—buttherewasnotimeformourningthisloss.Aliceyankedonaribbonandwithagentlethwompthepetticoatblossomedintoaparachute.
Peeringdowntowardtheground,shesighed.Itlookedterriblyfaraway.ShecouldhavedonewithalittlelightreadingofEuripidestohelpherpassthetime.Lookingup,shesawtheA.U.N.T.cottageduckinganddivingaroundtheglasshouse.Itschimneyhaddisintegratedandtheroofwouldneedtoberetiled.Buttheeggbeaterhadsignificantlydamagedtheglasshouse,andAlicefeltcertainDanielandSnodgrasswouldbesafefromfurtherattack.Nowtheysimplyneededtomaintainthefragilestabilityofthecottage,flysafelythroughthestormdespitehavinglostthechimney,andlandwithoutcrashing,flipping,orforthatmatteroutrightplummeting—allofwhichtheywoulddoinconsiderablywarmerconditionsthanhers,giventhatonecornerofthecottagewasaflame.
Thusreassured,Aliceturnedtocontemplatingherownfuture.Withnomaporcompass,shewouldbedoomedtoaskingdirectionsfromstrangers.“Fiddlesticks,”shemuttered.Couldthisdaygetanyworse?
Atthatverymoment,ahouseglidedintoviewbelowher.Tallandpale,withoneroundwindowinitsatticlikeabalefuleyeandsmokearisingsedatelyfromitschimney,itseemedtosallyforthonawindofitsownself-importance.Ablackflagflappedjauntilyabovetheroof.
Suchaflagindicatedapirate’spremises—althoughunnecessarilyso,consideringonlypirates(andsecretagentspretendingtobepirates)flewbuildings.Witcheswouldnotlowerthemselves(er,metaphoricallyspeaking)tousethemagicalincantationinsuchanobviousmanner.Andalthoughpiratestrainedtheirservantstopilot,shouldanyrunawayandusetheincantationforthemselves,theywouldeithersucceed—andthusbepirates—ordietrying.
AliceknewthatHerMajesty’sgovernmenthadmanagedtosecretlygetholdoftheincantationonce,andhadsetupacommitteetostudyit.Twentyyearslater,Parliamenthadtiredofwaitinganddemandedresults—onlytodiscoverthatthecommitteehadlosttheincantationeighteenyearsagoandhadspenttherestofthetimediscussingcricketoverteaandscones.A.U.N.T.wasawareofthisbecausetheiragentshadbeenthetealadies.
Stillpiratesflewtheblackflag,althoughtheydidnotneedto.Tothemitwasamatterofpride—muchinthesamewayferocious,man-eatinglionshadpride.
AlicesupposedthehousewasheadedfortheStarkthornCastlehouseparty.“F-f-fabulous,”shesaidaloud,herteethchatteringfromcold.Anglingdowntowardthewarmgoldenlightshiningthroughitswindows,shelandedatopawhitewrought-ironfencesurroundingabalcony.Herpetticoatdeflated,and,beforeshecouldunbalance,shejumpeddowntothebalconyfloor.
Doingherbesttosmoothhersodden,wrinkledpetticoat,shethenstraightenedthesleevesofhervelveteenbodiceandtriedwithoutsuccesstosqueezeallthewaterfromhersagginghatfeathers.Herpompadour,whichhadtakenanhourtoestablish,droopedinanas-yet-unfashionablemanner,butwithoutalookingglass,shedarednoteventouchit.Finally,aspresentableasshewaslikelytogetafterfallinghundredsoffeetthroughastorm,shesteppedforwardtoknockonthebalcony’sdoor.
Throughadelicatelacecurtainshecouldseeshadowedfiguresclusteredaroundahearthfire.Oneapproachedandopenedthedoor.Itprovedtobeastout,middle-agedwomaninthemobcapandplainblackdressofahousemaid.Anenormousfluffyyellowfeatherswoopedoutfromthetopofthemobcap.
“Yes?”shesaid.“HowmayIhelpyou?”
“Ihappenedtobepassing,”Alicesaid,“andwonderedifIm-m-mightpresumeuponyourhospitality?Itisd-d-dreadfullycoldouthere.”
Thehousemaidglancedbackoverhershoulder.“There’sagirlaswantstocomein,”sheinformedtheroom’soccupants.Amurmuringcamefromoverbythehearthfire.TurningoncemoretoAlice,thehousemaidnodded.“Youmayenter.Wipeyourfeet.”
Shesteppedaside,openingthedoorwiderandblinkingagainstthedampchillofthewind.Alicebrushedhershoesagainstthesoddendoormattonoeffect,thensquelchedin.
Shefoundherselffacingabewilderingcramofknickknacksandfurniture,somewhereamongstwhichweretheoreticallyfourwallsandafloor.Besidethehearthfiresatafinelydressedcoupledrinkingteaandreading.Thegentleman,gray-hairedandwithafacelikeahatchetthathasbeenstruckrepeatedlybyanotherhatchet,lookedupvaguely,butthewomancontinuedperusinghernovel.InoneglanceAliceaddedtogetherpreciseringlets,onyxearrings,andtwoshawlsdrapedaroundablackbombazinedress,reachingadireconclusion.
“MissDarlington,”shesaid.
“Hm?”ThewomanraisedherheadasifonlynownoticingAlice’sarrival.“Oh,hellothere.Competence,closethedoor,weareabouttoperishfromeczema.”
Competencedidasordered,andAliceblinkedasthelatchclickedintoplacewiththesamesoundabonemakeswhenitsnaps.Herteethbegantochatterevenmoreviolently.OfalltheflyinghousesinEngland,shehadfallenintotheworst.MissDarlingtonandherhusband,JakeJacobsen,scrutinizedherinasilencethatfelthonedandpolishedonaccountofhavingpiercedcountlesspeoplebeforeencounteringher.Onlybydintoftwodecades’ruthlesstrainingdidshemanagetoneitherblushnorlowerherchinnorrunscreamingoutthebalconydoor.
“Whatisyourname?”MissDarlingtonasked.
“M-M-Mrs.AliceB-Blakeney,ma’am.”Sheconsideredcurtsyingbutdidnotthinkherfrozenkneeswouldsupporttheendeavor.
“Doyoulikeblackteaorgreen,Mrs.Blakeney?”
Thishadtobeatrickquestion.Noreasonablepersonwouldconsidertheretobeanyrealchoice,andtheonlydilemmawasexactlyhowunreasonableapiratewasexpectedtobe.“Black,”shesaid—andheldherbreath,waitingtoseeifMissDarlingtonwouldthrowherbackoutthedoorbecauseofit.(Mindyou,plummetingtoearthwaspreferabletodrinkinggreentea.)
ButMissDarlingtonnoddedwithapproval.“Competence,afreshteapot,ifyouplease.Andsomedigestivebiscuits.”SheflickedaglanceatthefloorbeneathAlice’sfeet.“Andtowels.”
AsCompetencebustledfromtheroom,featherswaying,MissDarlingtonreturnedtoherinspectionofAlice’sshiveringform.“Idodeclare,thefashionsofyoungladiestodayleavemuchtobedesired.Whyaren’tyouwearinggloves?Orascarfandshawl?Thislateinautumnonemustbeonguardagainstsuddenbreezes.”
Aliceglancedoutthewindow,wherethebreezeswerecurrentlynotsomuchsuddenassquallingfuriously.YetDarlingtonHouseslidthroughthemwithoutthemeresttremble.
“Iwasindoorsuntilamomentago,”sheexplained.Thewarmthoftheroomwasbeginningtoseepintoherbodyandshefeltlessindangerofbreakingherteethfromclatteringthemtogether—althoughmoreindangerofvariousotherbodypartsbeingbrokenbypirates.MissDarlington’smouthwastightening;JakeJacobsenhadclosedhisbookwithoutevenmarkingthepage.Alicenervouslyadvancedaplacatingcompliment:“MayIcongratulateyourpilotontheirskill?”
“Pilot?”MissDarlington’seyebrowsswoopeduplikecutlasses.“Whosayswehaveapilot,asifwearepirates?Whywouldyoumakesuchanaccusation,younglady?”
“Er,becausewearecurrentlyseveralhundredfeetabovetheground?Andbecauseablackpirateflagfliesfromyourroof?AndfurthermoreIrecognizethatGainsboroughportraitoveryourmantel,whichIlastsawwhenvisitingtheLondonArtGallery.”
“Theygiftedittome,”MissDarlingtonsaid.Herhusbandclearedhisthroat,andsheshothimalooksosuperciliousitshouldhavebeenoutfittedwithacrownandscepter.“TheywouldhavegiftedittomehadtheyknownIadmiredit,”sheamended.“ThereforeIsavedthemtheeffort.Besides,FannyAndrews,thereinportrayed,wasapirate,sothepaintingisrightfullymine.”
Alicedidnoteventrytounravelthislogic.“Imyselfamapirate,”shesaid,shakingbackherhatfeathers.“NewlyreturnedtoEnglandafteranunfortunatesojourninAmsterdam.Unfortunate,thatis,forthepeopleIrobbed,haha.”
Therecameadecidedlackofhaha–ingfromheraudience.Alice’sinsidesspun.Twenty-fouryears,mostofthemspentinespionagetraining,andshe’dstillnotlearnedhowdialogueworked.Really,Mrs.Kewshouldhaveassignedhertobeamaidsosheneednotspeakwithanyone.
ShehastilyreviewedtheThreePrimaryRulesforNormalConversationasdrilledintoherbylong-sufferingtutorsattheAcademy.Holdeyecontactforfiveseconds,blink,glanceaway,repeat….Donotspeakuntiltheotherpersonhasfinishedtalking….Donotfidgetorclimbonthefurniturewhilelistening.Thusmentallyrefreshed,shetriedagain.
“MyhusbandandIaretravelingtoahousepartyinHampshire.”
“StarkthornCastle?”Jakeasked.
“Yes.”
“Weareattendingthesameparty,”hesaid,givingherasmilethatwasclearlyintendedtobedisarming,butwhichjustmadehimlooklikeamurdererplanningtoliterallyremoveherarms.“MissDarlingtonisthehost’sgreat-aunt.”
“Indeed?”Aliceinquired—althoughinfactshecouldhaverecitedMissDarlington’sfamilyconnectionsbacksixgenerations.Theladywasrelatedtoseveralvillains,eachofwhoseA.U.N.T.dossierscouldhavefilledabathtub,shouldsomeoneinexplicablywishtostorethemthere.Herformerward,CeciliaBassingthwaite,triedtoassassinatetheQueen,stoleaninvaluableamuletfromtheBritishMuseum,andwasseenflyingabicycleoverLondon.Cecilia’shusband,Ned,wasinfamousforhismeltinglygorgeoussmile,oneglanceatwhichwouldpersuadeeventhemostsensibleladytoremoveherdrawers(hercabinetdrawersthatis,tosubmitthevaluablesstoredtherein;Nedhadsurrenderedhislibertinewaysuponmarriage).AndDarlington’sniece,Cecilia’smother,hadbeenknownastheQueenofPirates.Theywereawickedlot,andJemimaDarlingtonthewickedestofall.
“Pudding!”theladydeclared.
HerhusbandandAlicestaredatherblankly.
“Pudding,”sherepeated,asifthismadeallclear.“IforgottohaveCompetencebringsomechocolatecreampudding.Bother.”
Atthatmoment,Competenceentered,bearingatrayoftea,biscuits,andpudding.Aliceeyedherwithinterest.Withperspicacitylikethat,couldshebeanA.U.N.T.agent?OrdidMissDarlingtonoftendesirepuddingatmidmorning?
Settingdownthetray,CompetencebroughtoutseveralthickwhitetowelsthathadbeentuckedunderherarmandhandedthemtoAlice.
“Thankyou,Iamgladforanyserverinaport,”Alicemurmured,whichwascodeforAreyouarepresentativeoftheagencythatisthetrueeffective(albeithighlysecret)governmentofEnglandandhaslicensedmetokillyouifthesetowelsarenotwhattheyseem,orareyoujustaregularhousemaid?
“Hm,”saidCompetenceinabrusquetonebeforeturningonaheelandmarchingaway—whicheitheransweredthatorcompletelydidnot.
Whileteawaspouredandbiscuitsdunkedintopudding,Alicedriedherselfasbestshecould.Atlast,MissDarlingtonmotionedforhertotakeaseatbythefire.
“Whereisyourhusband,Mrs.Blakeney?”sheaskedasAlicelaidatowelonanarmchairandloweredherselfgingerly,wincingalittleasherwetclothesclungtoherskin.“Notloiteringonthebalcony,Ihope?”
“N—”
“Notunwell?”
“N—”
“GoodGod,Jake,she’sbroughtillnessintothehouse!”
“Dear,I’msurethat’snotthecase,”Jakemurmuredsoothingly.“Sheseemsperfectlyhealthytome.”
Alicetriedtoquelltheremnantsofhershivering,lestMissDarlingtonconcludeshehadmalaria.“ThelastIsawMr.Blakeney,hewasflyingwestwithaglasshouseinpursuit,”sheexplained.“Iimaginewe’llcatchupatStarkthornCastle.”
“That’sveryboldofyou!”MissDarlingtonsaid.
Aliceblinked.ShewasstartingtorealizenoonehadtaughtthiswomantheThreePrimaryRulesforNormalConversation,letalonetheseveraldozensecondaryones.Forthefirsttimeinherlifesheseemedtobeplayingonanevendiscussionfield—thatis,afieldfullofpotholes,prickles,anddiscardedrakesjustwaitingtobesteppedonsotheycouldflyupandsmashsomeoneintheface.
“Yourhousemighthavebeenshotdown,afterall,”MissDarlingtoncontinued.“Struckbylightning.Exploded.Yourhusband’sbodymighthavebeenflungintotreetops,everyboneshattered—orperhapsabottomlesslake,fromwhencehewillneverberecovered.”
Aliceconsideredthis.“True.Thebottomlesslakewouldbemostconvenient—nofuneralcosts.”
MissDarlingtonregardedherforalong,coolmoment,thensmiledandpassedheradainty,wisteria-paintedteacup.“Ihavenotaddedanysugar.Terriblestuff,quiterotsone’sgluteusmaximus.”
“Ithinkyoumeanteeth,dear,”Jakemurmured.
MissDarlingtonliftedherchininmuchthesamewayanotherpersonmightlifttheirbattle-axe.“Ihavenoteethinmygluteusmaximus,”shedeclared,anditwasallAlicecoulddotoretainhermouthfuloftea.MissDarlingtongaveherasharplook.
“Icanplainlyseewhoyouare,younglady!”
Aliceswallowedtheteaandsetthecupontoitssaucerwithouttheslightesttremble.Eightstepstothebalconydoor,shethoughtcalmly.Itwillbelocked,sokickitopenandclimbontothefencing,andthenuptotheroofifyoucan.Orjump,andhopethepetticoat’sincantationwillworkasecondtime.“Ohyes?”shesaidinaneutralvoice
“IfIaskedyouaboutravensandwritingdesks,whatwouldyouanswer?”
“Iwouldsayaravenshouldnotbeallowedanywherenearawritingdesk.Thinkofthemessitwouldmake.Nottomentionthegerms.”
ShereturnedMissDarlington’sbrightgazewithoutblinking.
Jakeheldhisbreath.Competence,standingbythehallwaydoor,heldherbreath.Eventheskyoutsideseemedtoholditsbreath,thestormwindssuddenlydyingaway.Alicewatchedfirelightandshadowwritheoverthepiratelady’sface.I’llnevermakeittothebalcony,sherealized.I’llbedeadbeforeIevengetoutofthechair.
Abruptly,MissDarlingtonlaughed.“Clevergirl.”Shewaggledacrooked,bejeweledfingeratAlice.“Iwasright,youareascoundrel,nodoubtaboutit.IwageryoucouldtalktheQueenherselfintolettingyoustealhernecklace.”
“TheQueen,yousay?”Alice’sinstinctsperkedup.
“Yes,sheisaclosepersonalnemesisofmine,andIhappentoknowherneck—thatis,hernecklace—isripeforthepluckingifagirlhasthemoxietotryit.Youcertainlydisplaymoxie.”
Alicehadnoideawhatmoxiewas.(Somekindofhairstyleperhaps?Sheexcitedlyanticipatedconsultingadictionarylater.)Nevertheless,sheshiftedhermouthintoamildsmile,evenwhilehermindhastilytookoutitslistofsuspectsandcircledMissDarlington’sname,thendrewstarsandarrowsaroundit.“Howkind,”shesaid.
“Infact,youremindmealittleofmyniece,Cecilia.Suchadearyounglass.Sweettemperament,beautifulmanners,cankillamanwithoneswipeofabutterknife.Youwouldlikeher,I’msure.ItriedtoconvincehertojoinusattheBassingthwaiteparty,butsheiscurrently—”
Theladypausedtoreachoverandretrieveapieceofpaperontheteatable.Raisingalorgnettethathadbeenhangingonagoldchainaboutherneck,shereadfromthesheet.
“—inWindsor,makingpreparationstostealPrincessBeatrice’sdiamondtiara…hadluncheonattheSingingWattlebirdteahouseonTuesday,woreasuitablywarmjacket,orderedteaandcreamcake…wasseenpushinganinfant’sperambulatorthroughtheparkonWednesdaywithherhusbandathersidebutnoregardforthetwenty-fivepercentchanceofrainshowers…”
“Dear,”Jakemurmured,easingthepaperfromhiswife’shand.“IamsureMrs.BlakeneyhasnointerestintheminuteparticularsofCecilia’slife.Andnorshouldyou,really.”
“WellInever!”MissDarlingtonhuffed.“Isanauntynotallowedtocare?”
“Care,yes,”Jakesaid,smiling.“Employaprivatedetectivetostalkherniece’severymovementandreportbacktoyou,notsomuch.”
“ButIhaven’tseenherorthebabyforages!”
“CeciliabroughtEvangelinetovisitusfivedaysago.AndwemetNedinthestreetafterthatbankheistlastFriday.”
“Ned,”shespatinsuchamother-in-lawtonethatAliceratherfearedforsaidgentleman’swell-being.ItseemedevidentJemimaDarlingtonwastheonewomanNedLightbournecouldnotcharmwithhissmile.
SuddenlythehouseshudderedasifexpressingMissDarlington’santipathytowardthemanwhohadstolenhernieceforthenefariouspurposeofahappymarriedlife.Teacupsrattled;thehearthfiresparked.
“We’rehere,ma’am,”Competenceannounced.
Glancingoutthewindow,Alicesawthattheyhadindeedlanded.Theworldoutsidewasgreenandgold,shimmeringwithalingeringresidueofrain.
MissDarlingtonsighed.“IsupposethismeanswehavetogosayhellotothatpompousBassingthwaiteboy.Howtedious.AndGertrudeRotunderisboundtobethere—insufferablewoman,Iwillneverforgiveherforstealingbackherdiamondbracelet.Ittookmethreeweekstosetupthattheft,andshejustwaltzesinandtakesitbackovernight!Somepeoplehavenoshame.Justwhoseideawasittoattendthispartyanyway?”
“Yours,dear,”Jakesaid.
“WhatonearthwasIthinking?”
“Aboutthetwenty-four-carat-goldvasefromtheMingdynastythatstandsintheBassingthwaitelibrary.”
Thelady’sexpressioncleared.“Ahyes.It’sgoingtofillthatgapinthecornerjustperfectly.”SheindicatedanareaoftheroomAlicecouldnotseeduetotheclutterofatleasthalfadozengoldenvases.“Bringmycoatandhat,Competence.”
“Yes,ma’am.”Themaidturnedtoleave.
“AndMr.Jacobsen’scoatandhat.”
“Yes,ma’am.”Shetookastep.
“Andgloves,scarves,galoshes,muffs,andanumbrellaincasetherainreturns.”
“Yes,ma’am.”Pausing,onefoottiltedslightlyofftheground,shewaited.
“Alsobringacoatforourguest.OneofthoseIkeepforwhenCeciliavisits.”
“Yes,ma’am.”Shehurriedoff.
“I’msureyou’reanxioustocatchupwithyourhusband,”JakesaidpleasantlytoAliceastheyfinishedtheirtea
“Notatall,sir,”Alicereplied.“Iamhappilymarried,andmyhusbandisverykindtome.”
“Er…Imean,anxiousaboutbeingseparatedfromhim.”
“Ohno,heisCatholicanddoesnotbelieveindivorce.Imustsay,thisteaisexcellentquality.MayIinquireastothebrand?”
Jakefrownedslightlyinbemusement.“EarlGrey.Butdoyounotfear—?”
“Leaveheralone,”MissDarlingtonintervened.“Thepoorgirlisnodoubtinshockatthethoughtherhusbandmayhavecrashedtheirhouseandevennowmaybedyingasallaroundhimthewallsburn.”
“Ihopethatisnotthecase,”Alicesaidfervently.“Ihaveseveralrarebooksinsidethathouse.”
Sheclosedhereyesasshesavoredanothermouthfuloftea,therebymissingthefactthatshebecamethefirstpersonevertotrulyshockJemimaDarlington.6crashlandings—intheparkinglot—analarminginvention—mr.andmrs.blakeneyareromantic—danielfacestemptation—anefflusivewelcome—badlydoneindeed
Whateverpirates’soulsaremadeoutof,theirsandtheirhouses’arethesame.ThisnotionexplainedwhytheBassingthwaiteclan,generallyconsideredtobepiraticroyalty(i.e.,pompous,boring,andgoodcandidatesforbeheading),possessedapremisessogrand,sounwieldy,thatittookfourpeopleincantatinginchorusjusttogetitofftheground.Inotherwords,theirsoulswere,intheiropinion,“themostexaltedobjectwearecapableofconceiving”—andineveryoneelse’s,justbloodydifficulttomanage.Inanycase,StarkthornCastlewasthegreatestman-o’-warinEngland.
Althoughitspinkfrillycurtainsdidratherruintheeffect.
ThecastlestoodastridealeafyHampshiremeadowlikeawarrior-kingwhohaddecidedthiswouldbetheperfectspotforapicnic.Itsgranitebody,crenelatedalongtheupperedge,bristlingwithchimneysandcannons,seemedtohavebeendroppedintothelushcountrysidewithoutaforethoughtoraestheticconsideration.Partlythisimpressionwasduetoitsbleakappearance,andpartlybecauseithadcrushedtwotreesandafenceonlanding.
Alicefeltclaustrophobicjustlookingatit.ShetappedherfingerstogetherinthepocketofthegreenvelvetcoatMissDarlingtonhadinsistedshewear.Thebuildingitselfwasnottheproblem,butthethoughtofhavingtoexchangepolite,cheerfulgreetingswithitsowner.She’dratherwrestleanalligator
Althoughconsideringshewasabouttojoinapirates’party,shemightultimatelyhavetodoboth.
MissDarlington’shousehadlandedaboutfivehundredfeetfromthecastleinorderthattheladyandherhusbandcouldenjoyaholidayawayfromhomeandstillbewithinrunningdistanceofthathomeiftherewasaproblem(suchasbeingcaughtwiththeMingvaseintheirhands).Severalotherhouseswerealreadyparkedthere,includingtheconservatorythathadattackedthem.SlightlytoonesidestoodtheA.U.N.T.cottage—althoughtousethewordstoodwasratherexcessive.Infact,thecottagehunched.Itdrooped.Ithadallthestructuralintegrityofafreeversepoeminapopularmagazine.NodoubtDanielwouldfacehoursofinsurancepaperworkuponhisreturntoheadquarters.
Alicewouldhavepitiedhimwereitnotforthefactthatdoingsomightleadtosuggestionsofherhelpingwithsaidpaperwork.
Danielhimselfwasleaningagainstthedoorframe,armsandanklescrossed,ashewatchedDr.Snodgrassscrewsomethingintothewallofthecottage.Everythingabouthimseemedjustasitshouldbe:shirtneatlybuttonedup;tiestraight;hairtidy;bodyunbrokenandstrong,sostrong,hecouldprobablyliftherwithnoeffort,pinningheragainst—
Whichistosay,Alicethought,throwingasternfrownatherimagination,hewasthankfullyunharmed.Notthatshehadworriedforhissafety.She’dmerelydislikedbeingunabletoconfirmhisstatus,forthesakeofthemission.Andthatwaswhy,seeinghimnow,herheartdanced(amazurka—atdoubletempo—withhernervesshoutinghey!ateverybeat).Becauseofthemission.
Helookedupassheapproached.“Ah,thereyouare,”hesaidmildly.
“WhatisDr.Snodgrassdoing?”Aliceaskedinawaryvoice.“AnddoIreallywanttoknow?”
“Thisisananti-theftdevice!”Snodgrasshimselfanswered,turningtogestureexcitedlywithhisscrewdriver.Alicetookastepbackincaseitexploded.“Thesmallblackboxhasbeenembeddedwithanchoringphrasesfromtheincantation.AllIhavetodoispressthisbuttonand—”
Eeeeee-ooooooo-eeeeee-ooooooo!
AliceandDanielclaspedhandsovertheirearsatthesuddenhigh-pitchedscreamemanatingfromthedevice.Frantic,Snodgrasssmackedthebuttonrepeatedly,withoutsuccess.Smokebegantogushfromthebox.Thecottageshook.Inthehousesallaround,facesappearedatwindows,presumablyshouting,althoughitwasimpossibletohearbeyondthealarm.
Atlast,Snodgrassmanagedtorestoresilence.Asthesmokedissipatedandtheairseemedtoholditsbreath,waitingforthecottagetocollapseentirelyfromshock,Alicedaredtolowerherhands.
“Fiddlesticks,”shesaid,thewordhissingatitsendmuchlikethefuseofabombhisseswhenlit.“Fiddlesticks.F-f-f—”
Danieltookholdofher,firmlyclampingherarms,hisexpressionimpeccablysober.“MissDearlove,”hesaidinavoiceasfirmashisgrip.“Willowswhiten,aspensquiver.”
TheshudderingofAlice’ssenseswasimmediatelydiverted,easingintothecourseofTennyson’srhyme.“Willowswhiten,aspensquiver,”shesaid.
“Littlebreezesduskandshiver,”Danielcontinued.
“Thro’thewavethatrunsforever.”
Hisexpressionsoftened;hereleasedhisgrip.“Bytheislandintheriver.”
Aliceresistedtheurgetorubthetinglingwarmthinherarmswherehehadgraspedher.“FlowingdowntoCamelot.”
Breathcalmed,tossingbackitsmetaphoricalhairandbrushingthewrinklesfromitssurfaceasifthemomentarypanichadbeenintentional,thankyou—merelyatestofthesystem.Herconstitutionreasserteditselfwithoutevenonetapofafinger.
Behindthem,Snodgrasstittered.“Isay,saywhat?”
Theagentsignoredhim.DanielreachedouttotouchAlice’shat.
“Yourbutterflyiswingless,”hesaidsoftly.
Andjustlikethatherpulseshookagain.Sheswallowed,andDanielwithdrewhishand.Theybothlookedawayintothemiddledistance.
“Allright?”heasked.
“Allright,”Aliceconfirmed,andhesmiledbriefly,efficiently.Ashisexpressionshutdownagainlikealibrarycatalogcardslottingbackintoplace,Alicefeltherheartgiveadreamysigh
Butherbrainstrodeforthtostopthatnonsenseatonce.ItsnappedoutarulerandpointedtothefactthatnotonlyhadDanielrecognizedhersensorycrisis,he’dknowntheexactTennysonpoemguaranteedtosettleher—theoneAcademytutorshadusedforthatsamepurposewhenshewasgrowingup.Thissuggestedonlyoneconclusion.
Hehadgatheredadatafileonher.
Alice’sheartgasped.Thenerveoftheman!Shewouldhavetopunishhimforsuchabreachofprivacy!Nodoubttherewassomethinginthedatafileshehadgatheredonhimthatwouldsuggestasuitablepenalty.
Shenarrowedhereyestostareathimasifshemightbeabletodiscernthetruthfromhiseyelashesandcheekbonesandtheperfectcurveofhislipsthatmustfitjustrightagainstawoman’smouth—butevenasshehastilylookedawayagain,blushing,hehimselfturnedwithflashingeyestoglareatSnodgrass.
Thescientistflinched.“Sorry.Thatwasratherunexpected,what?ButIsay,noonewillwanttostealthehousenow.”
“Noonewouldwanttostealitinthefirstplace!”Danielcounteredwithuncharacteristicanger.“It’sawreck.We’llbetakingthetrainbacktoLondon.”
“Oh,jollygood!Iloveatrainride.”
TheangerinDaniel’smoodcooledabruptly,hardeningtoice.“Doctor,no.WhenIsaid‘we,’ImeanttheladyandI.Perhapsyoucan—Idon’tknow—inventawheeledplankofwoodtotransportyouback,orsomesuch.”
Snodgrasscaughthisbreath—butnotinoffense,Alicerealized.Hereachedintohisjacketpocketforanotepadandpencilandbeganwritingfuriously.Sheheardhimmurmur,“Aboardtoskateacrosstheground…”
Daniel’shandclenched.Turningawayfromthescientist,hecaughtAlice’sgazeunintentionally,andsheblinkedatthecoldwrathinhiseyes.Butalmostinstantlyexpressionfadedfromhiscountenance,leavinghiminscrutableoncemore.ShesensedSnodgrasshadnarrowlyavertedassassinationforthethirdtimethatday.
“Donotworry,MissDearlove,”Danielsaid,leaningalittleclosersoonlyshecouldhearhim.“Iambutmadnorth-northwest.”
HerheartswoonedatthelinefromShakespeare.“That’sfine,”sherepliedinthesameconversationaltone.“I’msurethereismethodinit.”
Hegrinned,dazzlingherwithsuddenbeauty,andherheartpromptlyfellbackinaswoon.Alicetriedtohaulitupagain.Thissimplywouldnotdo!Feelingattractedtoone’shusbandwasentirely—
“Scandalous!”suppliedanappalledvoice.Aliceturned,instinctivelyreachingforagunthatwasnolongerinherskirt—orthatinfactwas,albeitseveralmilesaway.
MissDarlingtonapproached.ShewasapplyingawalkingcanetothegroundwithonehandwhileherotherrestedonthearmofawomanwearingadressmoreruffledthanthefeelingsofaRomanticpoet.Twostepsbehindthemcametheirhusbands,ladenwithsuitcases.Theladiescritiquedeachhouseastheywalked.
“WhatwasOliviathinking,paintingherdoorthatcolor?”
“Goodheavens,lookatthosehideouscurtainsinMissDole’swindows!”
“Doesshecallthosespikes?Why,theyarenotevenbloodstained.”
“AndhereisMrs.BlakeneyfromAmsterdam,”MissDarlingtonsaiduponarrivingattheA.U.N.T.cottage.ShegesturedasthoughAlicewereavaguelyinterestingspecimeninazoo.“Charminggirl,ratheroddsenseoffashion.Mrs.Blakeney,haveyoumetmydearfriendGertrudeRotunder?”
Theinsufferablewomanwithnoshame?Alicewantedtoreply,butworriedthismightbesomewhatinappropriate.Besides,shehadindeedmetMrs.RotunderwhileonassignmentinClacton-on-Sealastyear,andwasnowkeentomakethemostcommonplaceimpressionpossible.
“Howdoyoudo?”shesaid,nodding.
“Iknowyou!”Mrs.RotundersnappedherfingersandpointedatAlice,whoverycarefullyraisedhereyebrowsinmildinquiry.FromthecornerofhereyeshesawDanielshifthishandtowardthepocketinsidehiscoatwherehekepthisgun.
“Inoticedyoufalloutofyourcottageduringourplayfulskirmish.Suchfun!Weshoulddoitagainsoon.”
“Er,yes,”Alicesaid.
“Youtooksomegoodshots.LuckilyIdidn’tbringmyactualhousewithme,orelseimaginethestateofmycarpetsrightnow!”
(“Ourhouse,”Mr.Rotundermurmured,butnoonepaidhimanyattention.)
“Isthisyourhusband?”MissDarlingtonasked,perusingDanielwithacooleye.“Heappearstobefreeofdisease,atleast.Howecstatichemusthavebeentoseeyousafeandsound.”
“Indeed,”Danielsaid,reachingoutawkwardlytopatAlice’sarm.Shetriednottoflinchatthelighttouch.“I’mgladshesurvivedherfall.”
“Petticoat,”Alicetoldhim,andhenodded.
“Petticoat?”MissDarlingtonrepeatedconfusedly.
“Itisatermofendearment,”Alicesaid,thinkingfast.“InAmsterdamawifewillcommonlyrefertoherhusbandas‘mypetticoat.’?”
“Oh?”thepiratesinquiredpolitely.
“Heinturncallsmehisjockstrap.”
Danielchokedonhisbreath.Thepirates’husbandsglancedwide-eyedateachother.EvenDr.Snodgrasscoveredhisfacewithhishands.
“Isee,”Mrs.Darlingtonreplied.
“Howlonghaveyoubeenmarried?”Mrs.Rotunderasked.
“Threeyears,”Alicereplied.
“Threemonths,”Danielsaidatthesametime.
Theyfrownedwithbemusementateachother.
“Areyousure?”Danielsaid.
“OfcourseI’msure,”Alicetoldhim,affronted.“Itiswrittenclearlyinthe—”Shestopped,recollectingtheiraudience,whowerewatchingwithfascination.“Er,intheweddingalbum.ThreeyearsthiscomingJanuary.”
“Ohyes.Itonlyfeelslikethreemonthsduetotheprofusionofromance.”
“Averitableexcessofromance,”Aliceagreed.Danielreachedouttopatherarmagainandshesidesteppedbeforehecoulddoso.
MissDarlington’smouthtwitched.“Well,goodness.Isuspectthiswillbeanintriguingweekafterall.Nodoubtwewillspysomecharminginterludesanduncovermanysecretsofourhearts.Coming,Gertrude?”
Withapartingnod,thepirateladiesproceededtogetheracrossthegrasstowardStarkthornManor,trailedbytheirhusbands.
Aliceshookbackherruinedhatfeathers.“Well,”shedeclared,“thatwasasuccess.”
“Hm,”Danielsaid,frowning.
“Youdoubtit?”
“Idoubtwewillbealivebytheendoftheday.”
“Nonsense.IsurvivedchattingwithMissDarlingtoninhersittingroom.YoukeptMrs.Rotunderfromcompletelydestroyingourhouse.Andittooknoeffortwhatsoevertoconvincethemweareahappilymarriedpiratecouple.Iamentirelyconfidentallshallbejustfine.”
Neverhadthingsbeenworse.
DanielstoodinthegrandentrancehallofStarkthornCastle,surroundedbypirates,anddrewuponallhistrainingasasecretagentinordertoremaincalm.Hisspectaclesfoggedwiththeeffortofbreathingregularly.Everyinstinctinhimachedtoretrievebothgunsfrominsidehiscoatandfireuntilalltheirbulletswerespent—amovethatwouldseehimdeadwithinseconds.
Mindyou,deathmightbepreferabletospendingonemomentmorelisteningtoFrederickBassingthwaitespeak.
“…Andsowithallmywarm,palpitatingheartIwelcomeyou,AuntDarlington,Mrs.Rotunder,Mrs.Blakeney,andassociatedgentlemen.LonghaveIyearnedtoseeyourdearandhandsomevisages,andIbegyoufindcomfortinthismymosthumbleandunworthyabode,fromwhichthescionsofBassingthwaitehave…”
AtDaniel’sside,Aliceleanedclosetowhisper,“Doyouthinkwecanjustblowthewholeplaceupandbedonewithit?”
Danielconsideredthissuggestion.AfewsticksofdynamitebeneaththeCorinthiancolumnsand—
Wait.Shewasprobablynotserious.
Thud!
HejoltedoutofhisthoughtstoseeadaggerreverberatinginaportraitofBlackBerylthathungonthewalldirectlybehindFrederick.
“Sorry,”Mrs.Rotundersangout.“Myhandslipped.”
Frederick’sfacehadturnedaswhiteasthepearlhandleofthedagger,butheneverthelessmanagedtotrillalaugh.“Dearlady,allowmetodeclarethereisno—”
“Noneedtoapologize,”interjectedhiswife.ShesmiledwithsuchdeterminationDanielfearedshewoulddoaninjurytoherfacialmuscles.MarriagetoFrederickwouldstrainanyone,butJaneFairweatherseemedsotensesheprobablyneedednoweapontoassassinatetheQueen—onecurtsyandshemightjustexplode.“TherestofthepartyarepartakingofteaintheOrangeDrawingRoom,”shesaid.“Youarewelcometojoinus,ortheservantswillescortyoutoyourroomsforarestfirst.Iknowtravelcanbewearisomefortheagèd.”
Silencesharperthananydaggerfollowedthisstatement.DanielandAliceglancednervouslyateachother.
ButMissDarlingtononlylaughed.“Iseemarriagehasimprovedyou,Jane.Thatwasalmostnasty.Welldone,dear!”
Janenoddedinreceiptofthecompliment.“ButisdearCecilianotwithyou,MissDarlington?Iamlookingforwardtoseeingmydarlingchum!”
“Shesendsherregrets,”MissDarlingtonsaid.
“Howdisappointing,”Janemurmured.Danielregardedherthoughtfully,forherfacialexpressiondidnotseemtoquitematchthewords.HetriedtocompareitsvariousmicrofeaturestothoseonhisinternalchecklistofADisappointedCountenanceTypeOne:Female,butbeforehecouldbegin,Janewasalreadysmiling.“Well,Iamgladyouatleastarehere.”
MissDarlingtonfrownedasshescannedthisforinsult.“Ifeelquiteparched,”shereplied,asifthestateofherthroatwasJane’spersonalfault.“Comealong,Mr.Darlington.”
Behindher,JakeJacobsenrolledhiseyesfondly.MissDarlingtonlaidherhandinaqueenlymanneruponhisofferedarm,andtheybegantocrossthehalltowardadistantsoundoflaughter.Mrs.RotunderandherhusbandhurriedafterthembeforeFrederickcouldspeakagain,andDanielbegantofollow.
“Ahem.”
Glancingbackatthepointedsound,herealizedhehadforgottenhiswife.Shelookedathimwithaplacidexpression,buthereyesconveyedanurgentspeech,completewithdiagramsandflowcharts.
“Iwasthinking,Mr.Blakeney,thatwemightvisitourroombeforemeetingthecompany,”shesaidaloud.
“But,Mrs.Blakeney,”hereplied,“wedonotwanttoappearunfriendly.”
“Wealsodon’twanttomakeapoorfirstimpression,Mr.Blakeney,”Alicecountered.“AndIwouldliketopointoutthatIamnotexactlydressedfortea.”
“Oh?”AsfarasDanielcouldsee,shewasthoroughlycovered—althoughhedidvaguelyrecollectthatherskirthadbeenadifferentcolorbeforesheexitedthecottage.“Wellthen,yougooffandgetchangedwhileIjointherestofthecompany.”
ThissensiblesuggestionwasmetwithaudibleinhalationsfromFrederick,Jane,Snodgrass,andwhoeverwasspyingonthecompanybehindaportraitofSirFrancisDrake.
Aliceherselfmerelyblinkedathim.
Danielwinced.“Ibegyourpardon.Allowmetoescortyouupstairs.”
(Noonecouldeverfaulthimforbeingaslowlearner.)
Alicesmilednicely.Thewitnessesexhaled.Danielofferedherhisarm,sherefusedit,andtheyascendedthestairs,trailedbysuitcase-luggingservants.
“Thatwasbadlydone,Mr.Blakeney,”Alicewhisperedastheyfollowedahousemaidalongalamplitcorridor.Shedidnotlookathim,buthefeltherattentionpokinghisheart.“Itisnotpleasantforyoutohear,I’msure,althoughitispleasantformethatImusttellyou:badlydone.”
“Oh?”hesaid,hisowneyesfocusedstraightahead.
“Youarguedwithme.Itwasinappropriate.Marriedcouplesneverargue.”
“Areyousureaboutthat?”
“OfcourseIamsure,”Aliceretorted.“Thewifeisalwaysright.”
Shemarchedaheadofhimdownthecorridor,andsuddenlyDanielbegantofeelverymarriedindeed.7theusualnumberofbeds—terribletoiletries—theplancomestogether—thingsheatup—therulesoflove—funandgames—theyareputtothetest
Itisatruthuniversallyacknowledgedthatamanandwomaninpossessionofafalsemarriagelicensemustbeinwantofseparatebeds.Unfortunately,whenDanielandAliceenteredtheirsuiteinStarkthornManor,theyfoundonlyone—whichquitefranklywouldnothavecomeasasurprisehadtheyreadmoreexcitingliteraturethanwastheirhabit.Theyeyeditdisconcertedlyasthehousemaidwentaboutlightinglampsandproddingthehearthfire.
“Iwilltakethesofa,”Danielsaid,removinghiscoatasifhewasabouttogotosleepthatverymoment.
“Iwouldnotaskyoutodoso,”Alicesaid.
“Idon’tmind.”
“No,Imeanit’sabadidea.Whatifsomeonecameinandsawyou?Itwouldnotlendanimpressionofourbeinghappilymarried.”
“MissDearloveisright,sir,”themaidinterjected.HernamewasVeronicaVale,andaftersendingawaythefootmenshehadexplainedherdesignationwasV-2:anA.U.N.T.agentfreshoutoftrainingandexcitedtoworkwithhertwogreatestrolemodelsohmygoodnesssuchluckatthisearlystageofhercareerandwouldtheybesoverykindastoautographherduster?!Evenwhentheyhadjuststaredincool,wordlessreply,hereyesneverceasedshiningwithadmiration.“I’mafraid,sir,thatanychambermaidcouldwalkinwilly-nilly.Servantsinafinehouselikethisneverknock.”
“Hm,”Danielsaid,unconvinced.
“Weareprofessionals,”Aliceremindedhim.“Itwillbefine.Justwearclothingandkeeptoyourside—theleftside,ifyouplease—anddon’teatbiscuitsinbedortakepossessionofallthepillows,andsleeponyourstomachsoastopreventsnoring,alsokindlyrefrainfromwearingcologne,and—”
“Youcertainlysoundmarried,MissDearlove,”Veronicaremarkedwithachuckle.
“Mrs.Blakeney,”Danielcorrectedhersternly.
Veronicaflushed.“Ibegyourpardon,sir.Itslippedmymind,whatwithyoubothbeingsuchstars.AandB,Istillcan’tbelieveit!”Sheclutchedherhandstogetheragainstherheart.“DidyoureallyshooteachotherinClactonlastyear?”
“No,”theysaid.
“Oh.ButdidyoukillthreerobbersthisweekinSt.Jamesusingnothingbutyourhats?”
“No.”
“Isee.”Hershoulderssagged.
“Well,that’sdone,”Snodgrasssaid,emergingfromthewashroom.Althoughhelookedasdistractedashehadwhenflyingthroughthestorm,Alicewasbeginningtorealizethiswashisrestingscientistface.“I’veinstalledanemergencytoothbrush.”
“Thankyou,”Alicesaid,“buttherewasnoneed,Ibroughtmyownspares.”
“AsdidI,”Danielsaid.
“Imeantincaseyouneedtoshootsomeonewithpoisoneddarts,what?Justbecarefulnottoactuallyuseitasatoothbrush,oryou’llhaveajollynastytoothache.Isay,haha!”
“Haha!”Veronicaechoed.
“Hm,”Danielsaid.Withafrown,hebroughtforthamapfromhissuitcaseandunfoldeditacrossthebed.
“ThisisthelayoutofStarkthornCastle,”hesaidastheothersgatheredaround.“Wearehere.”Heindicatedasmallsquarethatrepresentedtheirbedroom.“We’llmarkthelikelyplacesforaweapontobesecured,thenorganizeagrid-basedplanforsearching.Dr.Snodgrass,doyouhaveapen?”
“Youwishtoblowsomethingup?”thescientistasked.
Danielstaredblanklyathimforamoment,thenturnedtoAlice.“MissDearlove,doyouhappentohaveapen?”
Aliceproducedtherequiredimplement,andfromthereroomsandpassagewaysweremarked,arrowsdrawn,andnumbersallocatedtovarioussquares,inconsultationwithVeronica,whohadspentthepastweekscoutingoutthecastle(anddustingit).Aplanwasdevisedandmemorized.
“Wewillbeginwiththeobvious,”Danielsaid.“JaneFairweather’sprivatesittingroom.”Hetappedthepenbrisklyagainstasquarenumbered“one.”
“Caref—”wasallSnodgrasshadtimetosaybeforethepaperburstalightwithblueflame.Veronicascreamed,Alicesighed,andDanielgrabbedapillow,pressingitoverthefirewhileSnodgrassexplainedthatthemaphadbeenincantatedtoself-destructuponbeingtapped.
“It’sreallyquitefascinating,”hesaid,flippingbackonecornerofthepaper.“IfyoujustlookhereyouwillseetheLatinwrittenontothe—”
“Getout,”Danielsaidinavoicesocolditwouldhaveextinguishedthefirehadthepillownotalreadydoneso.
“Saywhat?”
Danielpointedatthedoor.“Get.Out.Bothofyou,please.Ifyouneedtoreport—”
“Wecantelephoneyou,”thescientistsaid.“AgentAhasbeenequippedwithaportablereceiverinhershoeforjustsuchanoccasion.”
“Youmeanthisshoe?”Aliceliftedherrightfootandthesoddenslipperthereon.Itsparkedslightly,andaratherforlornbuzzingsoundstutteredfromtheheel.“Well,thatexplainsit.IthoughtIhadpinsandneedlesinmyfoot.”
“Oh,Isay.”Snodgrassdrooped.
“Youcanjustcomefindus,”Danielsaid,foldingthemapwithdisconcertingprecision.
“ButIhaveanotherdevicewhich—”
“Besttoleavenow,”AlicesaidbeforeDanielgrewsocalmsomeonegotinjured.ShehustledSnodgrassandVeronicafromtheroomandshutthedoorbehindthem.Behindher,Danielmadenosound,butshecouldfeelhisangerclenchtheatmosphere.
“Therehavebeenfartoomanypeopleforoneday,”shesaid.
“Hm,”heagreed.Heturnedtounpacking,andAlicewalkedovertothefireplacetodryherself.Shestoodvaguelystaringatthepaleblue-and-whitechintzwallpaperasherclothingwarmed.Theflames’cracklingmadehertapherfingersnowandagain,butshefeltgraduallysoothedbyrainpatteringagainsttheescaperoutewindow,andsmallnoisesDanielmadeashetransferredclothesfromhisbagintothepotentialbarricadechestofdrawers.Themorning’sdisturbancesfaded,andforamomentsherememberedfallingthroughthestorm,unrestrainedandtrulypeacefulforthefirsttimeinmonths.
Ifonlyshecouldtumblefromaflyinghouseeveryday,lifewouldbemuchimproved.Shesighedatthethoughtofit.
Suddenlyashadowshiftedoverherface.AliceblinkedoutofreverietofindDanielstandingbeforeher.Shegazedupathim,stillhalf-lostinthesenseoffalling,andhetookholdofherupperarmsasiftocatchher.Thepalemurmurbecamearoar.
“You’resohot,”hesaid,hiseyesshadowybehindthefirelitsurfacesofhisspectacles,hisvoicedarkwithalingeringresidueofpiraticmagic.
“Um,”shereplieddazedly.
“You’resmoking.”
“Er…”
“Literally,MissDearlove.Yourpetticoatiscatchingalight.”
“Oh!”Glancingdown,Alicesawsteamarisingfromherdamppetticoat.Thehem,embroideredwithdescendeolentefromtheflightincantation,wasbeginningtospark.
“You’restandingtooclosetothefire,”Danielsaid,drawingheraway.HebegandivestingherofhervelveteencoatasAlicefumbledurgentlywiththetiesofherpetticoat.Theirhandstangled;theirbreathmingled;Alicealmostfeltlikeherheartwasbeatingwithhisenergy.Withinseconds,shewasstrippedofallbutchemise,drawers,corset,bustlepad,stockings,shoes,andhat.Strandsofhairtumbleddownherneck.Daniel’sbreathtumbledoutofhim.Althoughthethreatofcombustionhadbeenthwarted,Alicealmostthoughtsheheardtheairbetweenthemcrackleandspark.Shecrossedherarmsdefensivelyoverthethinlawnofherchemise.Danielturnedaway,shovingahandthroughhishair.
“I’lljust—er,thatis,you—I’ll—yougetdressedandI’llbeoverherecheckingforbugs,”hesaid.
“Verywell,”Aliceagreed,sidlingovertoherduffelbag.“Excellentplan.I’ll—you—er,don’tturnaround.”
“Iwon’t,”hesaidmostassuredly.
Shewithdrewasmallhandfulofpurpleandgreensilkfromthebagandshookitsothatvoluminouslayersofberibboned,braid-trimmed,andlace-bristlingskirtsunfurledwithathwomp.Alicegrimacedatthesightofthem.Insuchagownshewasgoingtolookhideousenoughtobepiraticallyfashionable,butshemightneedaheadachetonictobearit.Witheyeshalf-closed,sheremovedherhat,shookoutherstill-damphair,anddressedasfastasalltherequisitelayersallowed.Retrievinghersparegunfromthebag,shecheckeditsammunitionload,thentuckeditintoasecretpocket.Atlast,sheturnedbacktotheroom…
Andhereyesopenedsowideshestrainedafacialmuscle.
Danielwasleaningoverthevanitytableinamannerthathadsalaciousconsequencesforthetrouserfabricacrosshisposterior.Alicecouldnothelpbutstare.ThememoryofMissDarlingtondeclaringtherewerenoteethinhergluteusmaximusarosepiratically,accompaniedbyavisioninwhichAliceappliedherownteethtothefirmglobeofMr.Bixby’ssimilarmuscle.Sheimmediatelyshuthermouth—andthenrealizedithadbeenhangingopen,andthatshehadbeenperilouslyclosetodrooling.
Drooling.Likeahooligan
Fiddlesticks!Muchmoretimespentinthecompanyofthismanandshe’dendupcastingoffhertranquillayerstorunamok,breakingwindowsandtearingoutthepagesofbooks.AgentBdidthingstohernervesthatshecouldnotcomprehend.Clearly,hewasdangerous—anassassinwithahighlytrainedbody,amindlikealoadedgun,asmilecapableofdestroyinganycommonsense,anddidshementionhisbody?AlicebegantosuspecthispajamapartywithPrincessLouiseinvolvedmoreinterestingactivitiesthandrinkingcocoaandtellingghoststories.
“Ahem.Ahem.”Sheclearedherthroaturgently,andDanielstraightened,glancingoverhisshoulder.
“Alldressed,then?”heaskedwithcompleteignoranceofthewickednessrampagingbehindhersereneexpression.
“Alldressed,”shemanagedtosay.
“I’lljustfinishhere,thenweshouldgodownstairs.”
Heturnedtoinspectaclock.Firelightcaughtonhisearring,makingitflashlikeaflirtatiouswink.
“Ahem!Ahem!”Alicerubbedherthroat,theinteriorofwhichhadnowbeensothoroughlycleareditwasbeginningtoache.“Indeed.Yes.Good.Downstairs.Indeed.”
Danielfrownedalittleasheregardedher.“Areyouquitewell,MissDearlove?”
“Entirelywell!”Shegatheredupherhairandbeganwindingitintoatightknot.Danielwatched.Heseemedtired,Alicethought—hiseyesdark,hisjawtwitching,ashefollowedhermovementslikeonemesmerized.Shebrushedahandalongthesideofherbarenecktocatchaloosestrand,andhejolted.“Ahem,”hesaid,andturnedawaytoinspecttheclockagain.
“Youreallythinktheroomwillbebugged?”Aliceasked.
“Onecanneverbetoocareful.”Heliftedalamptolookunderit,thentwitchedasideavelvetdrape.“Theseoldhousesareoftenriddledwithcockroachesorspiders.”
Aliceshuddered.Thusfartodayshehadbeenshotatbyapirate’sbattle-conservatory,fallenthroughathunderstorm,lostherfavoritecopyofEuripides,facedthedreadedscoundrelMissDarlington,beenaurallyassaultedbybothananti-theftsirenandFrederickBassingthwaite,andalmostcaughtonfireinmorewaysthanone.Andnowtherewasapossibilityofinsects.Justhowmuchmoreperilouscouldthismissionget?
Crash!
Thechaiseloungetoppledback,thuddingagainstthefloor.AreverberationwentthroughtheOrangeDrawingRoom,causingchandelierstorattleandvasestorockperilouslyontables.Alicewinced.
Butthethreeelderlyladieswhohadbeenstandingonthechaise,andwhoskippedeasilyoffitscurvedbacktothepolishedwoodfloor,onlylaughedandclankedtheirwineglassestogetherinmerrytriumph.Ascrimsonliquidsplashedovertheirhands,Alicewincedagain,thinkingofhowstickytheirfingerswouldbehereafter,andofallthefloormoppingsomepoorchambermaidwouldbedoingtonight.
“What’snext?”cameacallfromsomewhereamongstthemassofsilkbustles,gaudyskirts,andterrifyinglyfulsomehatscrowdingtheroom.
ThequestionsparkedfearthroughAlice’sblood.Shewasacourageouswoman.ShehadwalkedthroughtheWhitechapelslumatmidnight,spiedonwickedwitcheswhowouldhavekilledherhadtheyrealizedheridentity,andreadWilliamBlake’spoetry.Butnothingwasmorenerve-rackingthanpiratesentertainingthemselveswithafewinnocentparlorgames.
Innocent,atleast,untilMissDoleandMurielFairweatherbothtriedtotakethesameseatduringmusicalchairs.Theresultantdisputehadbroughtanendtothatgame,primarilyduetothefacteverychairhadbeensmashed.
“Oops,”Mrs.Rotunderhadsaidwhentheliteraldustsettled.“Itseemswegotalittleoverenthusiastic.”She’ddroppedthechairlegshehadbeenwhackingoverBloodhoundBess’sheadandhadsmiledsheepishlyatJaneandFrederick.“Terriblysorry.”
“Itisofnoconcern,”Janehadsaid,althoughhersmilehadbeensosharpshewasindangerofputtingherowneyeout.“WehadfartoomanypricelessChippendalegiltwoodchairsanyway,andcouldcertainlyaffordtolosethem.Asyouknow,theBassingthwaitefamilyaretremendously,fabulouslyrich.”Thislastwordhadcomeoutlikethecrackofawhip,andAlice,fromthecornerofhereye,hadseenFrederickflinch.“Havingsaidthat,”Janecontinued,“perhapsweshouldtryaquietergamenow?PasstheSlipper?”
“Jollygood!”theladieshadagreedwithaworryingenthusiasmthatwasexplainedwithexplosiveclaritywhentheslipperturnedouttocontainabomb.
NowAlicestoodonapoufattheedgeofthestill-somewhat-smokyroom,tryingtocalculatehowlongtheafternoonhadgoneonthusfar.Two,threeyears?Allperceptionoftimehadlongsincefledforitslife,takingwithitalargeproportionofhersanity.Shewasforcedtoconcedeherselfbamboozled.
Althoughshehadexperiencedpiratesbefore,ithadneverbeeninsuchquantity.OneLadyArmitagewasadrainonthesenses;fifteenWisteriaSocietyladiestogetherwereasinkhole—inatyphoon—duringatsunami.Allthehoursshe’dspentlearningparlorgamerulesinpreparationforthismissionhadgoneupinsmoke—literally.Everymuscleinherbodywasclenched,andtheresultanttensionsentaconstanttwangthroughher.
She’dalwaysbelievedWisteriaSocietyladiesweredignified,elegant,andexquisitelywell-mannered(whennotrobbingbanksandblowingthingsup).Butthisafternoonprovedthattheycertainlylikedtoparty.AlicehadhopedanenergeticgameofTheFloorIsLavawouldtirethemout.However,despitemuchleaping,clambering,andbreakingofsofas,thetrepidationontheirhusbands’facessuggestedfurthermayhemremainedlikely.
Indeed,withtheverynextwordspoken,AlicediscoveredthedepthstowhichtheWisteriaSocietywouldsink.
“Charades!”
Severalcheersaroseatthissuggestion.Alicestaredwide-eyedandwhite-facedinhorroracrosstheroomatDaniel.Hejusthappenedtobelookingherway(ashehadbeeneachtimeshe’dglancedathim,whichwasaconvenientcoincidence),andhegrimacedinreply.
Suddenly,onepirateladystandingatopanarmchairbegantappingherwineglasswithadagger.“Notcharades!”sheshouted.“Ihaveabetteridea!”
“Mrs.Ogden!Mrs.Ogden!”thegroupchanted.MissDarlington,thusfarsilentlydignifiedinacorner,drummedthefloorwithhercane.
Alicewarilyeyedtheplump,froth-hairedwoman.Herembroideredcardiganandplaidskirtssuggestedmoreofagrannythanagrimreprobate,butAliceknewfromA.U.N.T.’sdatabasethat,inthepastyearsincebeinginductedintopiraticranks,Ogdenthe’Orriblehadcatapultedherselftotheheightsofinfamy,primarilybycatapultingbombsintothedepthsofrichviscounts’houses.Mostpiratesdidnotattackcivilianbuildings,butMrs.Ogden’smottowas“robberscan’tbechoosers,”andnoonehadthecouragetoexplainthatshe’dhearditwrong.
“Ishallspinaroundandpointtosomeone,”shedeclared,“andtheymustcompletethedareIsetthem!”
“It’srudetopoint,”BloodhoundBesscalledoutfromacorner,whereshewasslippingagoldstatuetteofaBassingthwaiteancestorintoherskirtpocket.
Mrs.Ogdenonlylaughedandbeganrotatingherselfunsteadilyuponthechair.
Alicefeltasuddenchillofdoom.ShewastensingevenbeforeMrs.Ogdenpointeddirectlyather.
“Mrs.Blakeney!”theoldladyshouted
Suchacacophonyofapplause,whoops,andwhistlesfollowedthatAlicenearlyburstintooverwroughttearsatthesoundofit.Butshewasaprofessional,andostensiblyapirate,andneitherofthosecriedinpublic.Soshetookadeepbreath,tappedherfingersagainstherthighs,andsteppeddownoffthepouf.
“Whatisyourdare?”sheaskedcalmly
“Goodness,howtemperate,”Mrs.Ogdenremarked,shrugginghermouthwithadmirationandnoddingaroundatthecrowd,whosmirkedinreply.“Youhavearemarkablycoolcharacter,Mrs.Blakeney.ButIknowjustthedaretoheatyouup.”
“Yes?”Shewasice,shewasmidwintersnow,nothingcouldtroubleher.
“Idareyoutokissyourhusband.”
Andjustlikethatshebecameabonfire8thefirstkiss—thepiratesdineoutonalice’smarriage—acaptivatingconversation—gettingtobusiness—danielleaves—alicemakesanewenemy
Nothingissopainfultothehumanmindasagreatandsuddenrequirementtokiss.Thesunmightshineorthecloudsmightlower,butnothingcouldappeartoAliceasithadthemomentbeforeMrs.Ogden’sdare.Nocreaturehadeverbeensomiserableasshe.
WiththepossibleexceptionofDanielBixby.
Asshewatchedhimbeinggentlyjostledandoutrightshovedacrosstheroombypirates,hisfacecalmbutlamplightflashingwildlyagainsthisspectacles,AlicerecalledamemoryfromherearlydaysintheAcademy.Forcedintothecenterofaclassroomwithadozenotherchildrenstaringather,shehadbeenaskedtodemonstratethebasicfirstpositionforsweeping.Hersmallpalehandshadclutchedthebirchbroomatrandom.Hergazehadrangedunseeingaroundtheroom.She’dnotspokenanythingmorethanechoesofotherpeople’swordssincebeingtakenfromtheorphanage,andstillscreamedandflailedwhenanyonetouchedherwithoutwarning—sotheconceptofholdingabroomcorrectlywhileasmallcrowdobservedhadoverwhelmedhermentalprocessingcapacityandrenderedheralmostcatatonic.
Theinstructor,exasperated,haddemandedagain—firstposition!—buthadnotdaredtoapproach.Theyearbefore,astudenthadbeenpushedtoofarinthesamesituationandusedthebroomtodamageeverypieceoffurnitureintheclassroom.Theteachers,ifnooneelse,hadlearnedtheirlessonwellthatday.
StandingintheBassingthwaiteparlorwithpirateswatchingheravidlyastheyclappedtheirhandsandchantedKiss!Kiss!,Alicefelthergazelooseninthesamewayithadallthoseyearsago.Herheartbegantothud.TheonlythingthatkeptherfromhystericswastheknowledgethatthestudentwhohadsodrasticallyfailedthesweepingexercisehadbeenAgentB.
DanielBixby.
Whocurrentlystoodinfrontofherwithhishandsinhistrouserpocketsandsuchtensioninhisbodyshefearedhemightusehimselfasabirchbroomanddestroythemall.
Kissingwasnottheproblem.Beingstaredatbyascoreofpeoplewas.Itwentagainsteveryinstinctaspypossessed
And,well,perhapskissingwaspartoftheproblem.Alicehadneverexperiencedit.Herheartbeatsoforcefully,shewonderedifshewasfeelingDaniel’spulsealso.
Heblinkeddownather.Shegazedupathim.Theairroaredwithvoicesandbright,jaggedfeeling.
“Sohereisourfirstolive,”hewhispered.
Oh!gaspedherheart,leapinguptowaveavolumeofNorthandSouthasitrecognizedtheElizabethGaskellreference.Hercountenance,however,remainedcool.“Weshouldnotmakeafacewhenweswallowit,”shewhisperedinreply,andDanielsmiled.Seeingthis,herheartclutchedthebooktoits,er,heartwithhappiness.
Disturbedbysuchanunprofessionalemotion,Alicetippedherfaceuptowardduty.AndDanielsethislipsagainsthercheek.
Immediatelyshewasrelieved.Thisneednotcountforherfirstkiss;thiswasnothing.
Andthensensationflashedthroughherbody.ShefeltnotonlyhiskissbutthewholeDaniel-nessofhim,fromhisphysicalpresencetoeverymemoryshepossessedofhiswarm,fleetingsmileandthewayhishandhadfeltholdinghersuntilitpleasantlyhurt.
Hedidnottouchhernow,besideswherehismouthlaybrieflyuponherskin.Shedidnottouchhim.Merelyonesecondlater,theysteppedapart.Andyet,Alicefearedshemightswoon.
Professionalwoman,sheremindedherselffirmly.Pirate.
Danielsetonefingertothebridgeofhisspectacles,pushingthembackuphisnose,thenturnedaway,pattinghershoulderinacompanionablemannerashedidso.
Theroomfulofpiratesstaredgobsmacked.
“Er,rightthen,”Mrs.Ogdensaid.
“IdobelieveIamgoingtooverheatfromtheprofusionofromance,”MissDarlingtonremarked.
“Howlongdidyousayyouhadbeenmarried?”Mrs.Rotunderaskedinahesitantvoice.
“Threeyears,”Danielreplied.
“Uhhuh.”SheturnedtolookblanklyatMissDarlington,whoshruggedhermouthwithbewilderment.
“Ah,love!”Frederick’svoiceswelledthroughtheawkwardquiet.“Thatbeaconforalldreaminghearts.Bestoweduponthemostfortunate,andblessingthemwiththemellifluent—”
“Isitdinnertimeyet?”BloodhoundBessasked.
Alas,itwasnot,butthisdidnotpreventthepiratesfromtroopingtothevast,gildeddiningroom.AliceandDanielfoundthemselvescarriedinexorablyalong,propelledbychatteringvoices,bustledbybustles,andnudgedbyafewmildskirmishesasladiesliterallybattledtotakeprecedence.Thetablesettingswerealreadylaid,andthecompanyhadamoment’sentertainmentflickingembossednamecardsateachotherbeforesittingwherevertheypleased.TwoyoungerladiesappropriatedDaniel,tuckingtheirarmsaroundhis,practicallyhaulinghimtoaseatbetweentheirs.Alicewaslefttofindaseatonherown.Everytrainedinclinationinherwantedtostandbackagainstthewallinproperservantfashion,butshewasapiratenow,arottenscoundrel,andsosheslippedintoachair,murmuringapologiestoherneighborsoneithersideasshedidso.Theysmiledbackinamannerthatthreatenedpoliteconversation.
Lookingdownatherfingerstappingtogetherinherlap,Alicesilentlycountedherbreathinandout.ShewouldhavebeenfarmorecomfortablestormingStarkthornCastlesolotofightthepiratesthanchattingwiththem.
Itwasgoingtobealongtwohours’waitbeforethescheduleddinnertime.
Fiveminuteslater,foodbeganarriving.Servantsinapiratehouseholdarealwayspreparedfortheunexpected.
Alicestaredattheplatebeforeherwithdisquiet.She’dfeltobligedtotakealittleofwhateverthefootmenpresented,andnowwasfacedwithabewilderingselectionoffoods,halfofwhichshecouldnotidentifyandtheotherhalfofwhichwastumbledtogetherinamostdistressingfashion.Theroastedmushroomslookeddeliciousbutwererenderedinediblebytheirproximitytothehoney-glazedcarrots.Andthecow’sbrainhadbeenspoiledby—well,bybeingcow’sbrain,quitefrankly,evenhadlobstersaucenotdrippedonit.
Assherummageddelicatelywithherfork,eatingwhateverwassalvageable,shetriedtoarmherselfforconversation.ToherleftsatMrs.EssieSmith,ayoungladyinfamousforhavingstolentheRussianempress’sfavoriteteapot;toherright,Mrs.OliviaEtterly,severaldecadesolder,withaswirlingfrothoflilachair.Eventually,Aliceturnedtothelatterandattemptedsomebenignsmalltalk.
“Tellme,madam,whatdoyouthinkoftheQueen?”
Mrs.Etterlypausedinliftinganasparagus-ladenforktoheropenmouth.“Whatanarrestingquestion,”shesaid.“IhaveneverspokenwithHerMajesty,butsheseemsniceenough,foraqueen.”
“Ifyoucouldassassinateher,howwouldyoudoit?”
TheasparagusonMrs.Etterly’sforkfloppedtotheplate.“I—er—goodnessme.Shoother,probably?”
“Isee.”
“Er.Um.”Mrs.Etterlymadeanefforttorally.“IhearyouarenewlybackfromtheContinent,Mrs.Blakeney.HowdoyoufindEnglandthesedays?”
“Oh,Ihaveanexcellentmap.”
Thepirateladyappearedtochoke,althoughshewasnotatthatmomenteatinganything.“Well,thatiscertainlyahelpfulthingtohave.IfImaysayso”—sheleanedcloser,whispering—“youalsohaveanexcellent-lookinghusband.”
“Ido,”Aliceagreed,andtouchedhercheekwithoutthinking.Shecouldstillfeelthelittleachewherehehadkissedher.“Accordingtoscience,Mr.Blakeney’sfacehasthekindofsymmetrythatisuniversallyconsideredhandsome.”
“Ohwell,ifyouaregoingtospeakscientifically,”Mrs.Etterlysaidwithasmile,“I’msuretherearemanychemistrytermsthatwouldbequitesuitable.”
Aliceconsideredthis.“True.Mr.Blakeneyisafterallcomprisedoforganicmatter.”
“Imeantthebondbetweenyoutwo.”
“Oh.”AliceglancedacrossthetabletowhereDanielappearedtobedemonstratingastabbingtechnique,muchtotheamusementoftheladybesidehim.Inaflash,Alicerememberedthewayhe’dfelledthethiefMerv,allsmoothcompetence,notevenbreakingasweat.Andthenshebeganwonderingwhathewouldlooklikeifhehadbrokenasweat—ifhe’dpulledoffhiscoat,jacket,andshirt,andthusbare-chestedhadwrestledwithMerv,perspirationglintingonhisswellingpectoralmuscles,hair—
Shefeltapeculiarrushingthroughherbody,andthoughtwithalarmthatperhapsthemushroomshaddisagreedwithher.
EssieSmithleanedovertojointheconversation.“Werehemyhusband,I’dbeapplyingbondsquitetightly,ifyouknowwhatImean.”
Hereyebrowsbounced,andMrs.Etterlyrespondedwithalaugh.Alicerealizedtherewasasilentconversationoccurringalongsidetheirwords,oneforwhichshepossessednodictionary.
“There,there.”Mrs.EtterlypattedAlice’sshoulder(andstoleherearring).“We’vemadepoorMrs.Blakeneyblush.Alias!Er,Imeanalas.Ihopewedidn’tspookyoutoomuch,dear.”
“Ofcoursewedidn’t,”Essiesaidwithagrin.“Mrs.Blakeneymaylookyoungandsweet,butIsuspectshehasasecretwealthofintelligencebehindthoseprivateeyesofhers,andisnodoubttappedintoourintentions.Aren’tyou,dear?”
“I—”Alicebegan.Shehadnoideawhattherestofhersentencemightcontain,butthatdidnotmatter,forMrs.Etterlyinterruptedherbeforesheneededtoproduceanotherword.
“Maybe,Essie,maybe.ButIsuspectshe’snotaswickedasshecouldbe.Talktoyourhandsomeyounghusbandaboutbedsteadsandbonds,Mrs.Blakeney.Investigateitthoroughlywithhim.I’msuretogetheryouwilluncoverinterestingresults.”
“Thankyouforthatadvice,”Alicemurmured,andhastilyproceededtoeatanartichokeheartdespiteithavingtouchedthecreamedcorn—anythingtoescapethetortureofsmalltalk.
Overherhead,Mrs.EtterlyandEssiesmirkedateachother.
Thecompanyseparatedafterdinner,ladiesreturningtothedrawingroomtodrinkteaanddiscusssuchfeminineconcernsasfashion(whatexactlyshouldaladywearwhenrobbingabank?)andliprouge(whichshadewasbestforwritingransomnotes?)andrecipes(couldonesubstitutebelladonnafordigitalisinpoisonedwine?).Thegentlemenremainedatthetabletotraderisquéjokesandideasforscrapbooklayouts.
ButDanielwaylaidAliceasshewasheadingforthedrawingroom.Ashesteppedupbesideher,shesmelledhisnow-familiarscentofqualitysoap,andinexplicablyblushed.Perhapsthewarmgaslightinginthehallwaywastoblameforthis,orperhapshersuddenvisionofAgentBseatedinabath,rubbingsoapagainsthisbareskin.
“Madam,”hesaid,“Iperceiveyouarerathertired.Ithasbeenalongday;shallweretireearly?”
AlicerecognizedthecodeforShallwegoupstairsandsnooparoundroomsinsearchofthesecrethiddenweapon?
“Iamtired,”sheagreed.“Thankyouforthesuggestion.”
“Ispyourprettyyoungcouplesneakingoff,”Mrs.Etterlysaidastheywent
“Goodluckachievingmolecularcombustion!”Essiecalledafterthem.
Arminarmtheywalkedupstairsuntilreachingthefirstfloor,whereupontheyimmediatelysteppedawayfromeachother,brushingnonexistentlintfromtheirclothing.
“Jane’ssittingroomisinthewestwing,”Danielsaid.“Thisway.”
Theystrodealongthecorridor.Anyoneseeingthemwouldhavebeenimpressedbytheircool,authoritativeaura,thesortthatsuggestsgunsarehiddeninsecretpocketsandarrestwarrantscanbeimmediatelyproducedifrequired.Allthatwasmissingwasaslow-motioneffect,rousingsoundtrack,andrecollectionontheirpartthattheyweresupposedtoactlikeswaggeringpirates.ComingtoJane’ssittingroom,theyfoundthedoorlocked.
“IhaveoneofSnodgrass’slockpicks,”Danielsaid,removinghistiepin.Heinserteditintothelock,butimmediatelysparksbegantoignite.AsDanielpulledbackhisscorchedfingers,thepinshotout,explodinginmidairbeforedroppingtothefloor,whereitproceededtoburnaholeinthecarpet.
Aliceshookherheadwithdispleasure.“Let’shopethat’stheonlythingthatisblowntonight.”
“Hm,”Danielanswered.
Thenoiseoftheexplosiondrewachambermaidfromanearbyroom.“Iseverythingallright?”sheasked.
“Justfine,”Danielreplied,placinghisfootoverthesmokinglockpick.
“Theeaglehaseatenthefrog,”Alicetoldherincode—i.e.,Thedoorwon’topen,damnit,doyouhaveasparelockpickonyou?
“Um,”saidthemaid,hereyeswidening.
“Idon’tthinksheknowsyouraunt,”Danielmurmured.Hesmiledatthemaid.“Alliswell,mywifemerelyhashadtoomuchwine.Itoldyouthiswasthewrongdoor,dear.”
“Thankyouforthatcorrection,dear,”Alicesaidinavoicesowifely,A.U.N.T.reallyneedn’thavespentanymoneyonthefakemarriagecertificate.
Themaid,beingusedtopiraticmarriages,fledbeforeswordsweredrawn.AliceandDanielturnedtofrownatthelockeddoor.“Wecouldtrytheroomupstairs,”Alicesuggested.“Ifitisaccessible,wecouldclimbdownfromitswindowtothatofthesittingroom.”
“Goodplan,”Danielsaid.Hestaredintothemiddledistanceforamoment,hiseyesflickeringasifreadingsomethingAlicecouldnotsee.“ThatroomhasbeenallocatedtoOliviaEtterlyandherhusband,”hesaid.
“You’vememorizedthecastlemap?”Alicewasastonished.
Helookedather,andshesuspectedhewasseeinganglesagainstherskin,patterns,anetworkofbones.“Amandoesliketobeadequateathisjob,MissDearlove.”
Hasteningupstairs,theyfoundMrs.Etterly’sdoorunlocked.“Hm,”Danielmurmuredasitopened.
“Perhapsshethoughtlockingitwouldbeuselessinahousefullofthieves,”Alicesaid.Peeringaroundthedoorframe,shescannedtheinterior.“Clear.”
Theyentered,Danielshuttingthedoorbehindthembeforecrossingtoopenthewindow.Alicestoodunmoving,herattentionrivetedonthewrought-ironbedsteadandtangledsheetsofthebed,whichdominatedtheroom.Instinctivelyshewantedtolaunderthosesheets,remakethebed,layamintchocolateonthepillow.Herimagination,however,rememberingMrs.Etterly’sadvice—“talktoyourhandsomeyounghusbandaboutbedsteadsandbonds”—begantohaveotherideas.
“Dare…love…”Thesuggestiondriftedthroughherawareness,andherimaginationnoddedinenthusiasticagreement.
“Dearlove.MissDearlove!”
“Huh?”Blinking,sheyankedherattentionawayfromthebedandfoundDanielstaringatherblankly.
“Allclearoutside,”hereported.“Andthesittingroomwindowbelowisajar.”
“Right,”shesaidinabriskvoicethatfairlyshoutedIamaprofessionalwoman
Focusingsternly,sheunhookedthefinebraidedcordthatdecoratedherdress,loopingitfromelbowtohandseveraltimes.Thenremovingaclipfromhercoiffure,sheunfoldeditsmetalarmssotheyextendedintoathree-prongedanchor.Tothisshetiedtheendofthecord.
“Hopefullyit’slongenough,”shesaid,attachingtheanchortothewindowsillandlettingthecordunfurldownthecastlewall.Itreachedtojustabovethesittingroomwindow.
“I’llgofirst,”Danielsaid.Withoutfurtherdiscussion,hewasupandout,proceedingeasilyviathecorddownthewall.
“Typicalman,”Alicemutteredasshewatchedhimgo.“Alwayshastotakethelead.”
“Hff,”cameasardoniccommentfrombehindher.
Drawinghergun,sheturnedonaheelbutsawnothingintheroom.Clearlyhernerveswerestillonedgeafterthelongdayspentinpiraticcompany.
Really,Mrs.Kewoughtnothaveassignedhertothismission.ShemayhavemasteredtheThreePrimaryRulesforNormalConversationandtheSevenStandardFacialExpressions,butpiraticbehaviorwasawholeotherkettleoffish.(Notthatanyonehadeverpresentedherwithakettleoffish—thankfully—butAlicehadheardthephraseusedbeforeand
TheWisteriaSocietyladieshadperfectmanners—toassistthemincommittingperfectcrimes.Forinstance,itwaseasyenoughtounderstandaladymustalwayswearkidglovesinpublic,butittookawholeotherangleofcomprehensiontoseethiswasnecessarysoastonotleavefingerprintsataburglaryscene.Aliceknewshewasentirelyill-equippedtolearnthepirates’backwardkindofetiquette.
Butifshedidnotdoso,andquickly,theQueenwoulddie.AndAliceherselfwouldlikelydietoo.Shewasdisinclinedforthattohappen.
“Dratitall,”shemuttered.
“Hff,”cameawhisperedreply.
Itmustbeabreezethroughtheopenwindow,shethought.Lookingout,shesawDanielswinginthroughthewindowbelow.Thelinewentslack.Returningherguntoitssecretpocket,Alicebegangatheringupherskirtsinpreparationforrappelling.
“Grrr,”themysteriousvoicerumbledbehindher.
Turningagainwithaconfusedfrown,shewentabruptlystill.Herpulse,ontheotherhand,begantoracearoundherbodyinhysterics.
Well,thisexplainedwhyMrs.Etterlydidnotbotherlockingherdoor.
Asifitknewwhatshewasthinking,thetigeremergingfromunderthebedgrinned.9anunexpectedencounter—thetigerandthelamb—notaghostatthewindow—hide-and-seek—danieltotherescue
Tiger,tiger,burningbright,inthebedroomofthepirate.Althoughnotliterallyburning,Alicethoughtsourly—aburningtigerwouldatleastbelessinclinedtostalkher.Ithadafearfulsymmetryindeedaboutitslithebody,butAlicefoundherselffocusinginsteadonitsevenmorefearfulfangs.Althoughaprettypinkbowhadbeensetaboutitsneckatacharminglycockyangle,thissomehowdidnotameliorateherterror.
“Fiddlesticks,”shewhispered.Theopenwindowbesideherofferedanescape,butasshereachedwithagonizingcareforthesill,herhandfumbledagainsttherappelhookandinadvertentlydislodgedit.Shetriedtocatchitbutwastoolate:withamockingclatteragainstthestonewall,hermeansofescapeslippedaway.
Thetiger’seyesflashedasifappreciatingAlice’sworseningdilemma.Itswayedinwhatsheimaginedwaspreparationforleaping,biting,tearing,andothergruesomeactivities.
Withawildflareofdesperation,shewavedahand.“Aereo,”shegasped,tryingtosummontheancientmagicoftheincantation.
Avaseofflowersrockedgentlyonthebedsidetable.
Thetiger’stailflicked.
“Fuck,”Alicesaid—notstrictlyspeakingaphraseofmagic,butcertainlypiratical.Reachingblindlybehindher,shecaughtholdofalargeporcelainlampandthrewitasfarasshecouldacrosstheroom.
Inotherwords,threefeet.
Thunk.
Thetigerwatchedthelamprollacrossthecarpet,thenturnedbacktoAlice.Hunchingdown,itsmassiveshouldersripplingwithmuscle,itbegantocreeptowardher.
Allthebooksshehadreadinherlifeflashedbeforehereyes.Unfortunately,noneofthemhappenedtobemanualsonescapingdeadlywildbeasts.Thetigerpaused,itsjawsclosing.ThedisappearanceoftheenormousfangsprovedlessreassuringthanAlicewouldhavesupposed.Shewatchedeverythingaboutthecreaturegrowtightandstill,andrealizedshehadsecondstolive.
Sorrowrosefromherheart,buthermindruthlesslystompeditdownagain.Takingonelastbreath,sheplacedahandonthewindowsillandvaultedup,over—andoutintothedarkness.
Meanwhile,onefloordown,Danielwasexperiencingproblemsofhisown.
“Sointerestingtoseeyouhere,Bixby,”saidthemanaimingagunathisheart.
“Youtoo,CaptainO’Riley,”Danielreplied,hisowngunnotstirringaninchfromthepirate’sheart.
“IthoughtyouweregoingtoEdinburghtoopenabookstore.”
“Peoplecanchangetheirmind.”
“Notyou.”
Danielstaredatthedark-hairedpirate,silentlycalculatinganglesforattack,oddsofgettingpulverizedifheattacked,andsuddenpainfulnostalgia.Forthreeyearshe’dusedAlexO’Rileyasasourceofinformationandexperience,cleanedhishouse,participatedinhisadventures,andcomeperilouslyclosetolovingthemanwithadepthoffriendshiphe’dneverbeforeexperienced.Buttheassignmenthadendedandthefileclosed,shuttingawayallsuchuncomfortablesentiments.
“Don’tbesoridiculous,”cameawoman’svoicefromtheedgeoftheroom.Withoutmoving,Danielflickedhisgazetowardit.Hisheartfollowed.
CharlottePettifersteppedforward.Dressedinblackshirt,blacktrousers,andtallstuddedblackboots,herstrawberryblondehairtiedbacktofallinaripplingstreamalmosttoherwaist,shelookedlikeawickedwitch—exactlywhatshewas.Shegavehimalookthatsuggestedfarmoredangerthananyherbrawnypiratehusbandwithhispasselofdeadlyweaponscouldsupply.Danielknewthat,withonemurmuredword,shecouldhavehimoutthewindowandbrokenonthegroundfarbelow.
“Hello,miss,”hesaidwithasmile.
“Don’thellome,”sherepliedinthattetchywayshehad,theonethatwarnedyoushewasabouttotakeyourheartandshakeitup,straightenitproperly,thengiveitbacktoyoulikeagift.Beforehemether,Danielhadneverknownitwaspossibletobesobadgeredyoucametoadoresomeoneoutofsheerself-defense.He’dkillforCharlottePettifer,nottheleastbecauseshe’dmadeAlexhappy.
“Idiot,”shesaid.Thensheturnedtoherhusband.“Youtoo.”Sheflickedaperemptoryfingerbackandforthbetweenthemen.“Putthosegunsdownandhugeachother.”
DanielandAlexsharedanappalledglance.“I’mnothugginghim,”Alexmuttered,holsteringthegunalongsideanotheronhisbelt.
“Idonothug,”Danielsaidashereturnedhisownguntoaninnerpocket.“Besides,Isawyouonlytwoweeksago.Aneffusivereunionisunnecessary.”
“Itmayhavebeentwoweeksforyou,”Charlottesaid,“butithasbeenfourteenlongdaysofwashingourowndishesforus.”Shesmiledathimthen.Alex,mutteringunderhisbreath,offeredahand,andDanielautomaticallyshookit.Allthewhile,hisbrainranaroundshoutingurgentordersandwavingredflags,tryingtoforestallaneruptionofemotionheabsolutelycouldnotafford.AlexandLottierepresentedanoldassignment,nothingmore.
Andhisheart,sighingindefeat,packedupallitswildandhungrylongingsandwenttohideunderablanket.
“Whyareyouhere?”heasked.“Imean,obviouslyyouhavecomefortheweapon.Butthecaptainshouldhavedonethisjobalone,MissPettifer.Thecastleisfullofpirates.Iftheycatchawitch—”
Charlotteshrugged.“Iamnotafraid.”
DanielglancedatAlex,whowasrollinghiseyes.
“Youshouldbe,”Danielsaidsternly.“ThefeudbetweentheWisteriaSocietyandtheWickenLeagueisnolaughingmatter.”
“Actually,”Alexsaid,“IfoundmyselfinhystericslastweekwhenIsawBloodhoundBessandthewitchMrs.Chukefightingovertheonlyripepomegranateinagreengrocer’sstall.Mrs.Chukesentallthefruitflying,thenBesssentthestallitselfflying,and—”
“Nevertheless,”Danielinterjected.“IfthepiratesdiscoverMissPettifer’spresence,shemaybeindanger.”HelookedsolemnlyatCharlotte.“Yourmarriagetothecaptainnotwithstanding,miss,theladiesareinarambunctiousmood,andmightusethefeudasanexcusetohavefunatyourcost.”
“Theauguriespredictotherwise,”Charlottesaidoffhandedly—anassurancethatfailedtoimpressDaniel,sincenotonlydidhenotbelieveinauguries,buthesuspectedCharlottedidn’teither.“Besides,”shecontinued,“wearekeepingoutofsight.Attics,alltheusualsecretpassageways,etcetera.Wecouldnotoverlooktheopportunitythisweaponaffords.”
“Ihearithasthefirepoweroftwodozencannons,”Alexsaid,grinninglikeanexcitedboy.
“WecouldblowuphalfofParliament,”Charlotteaddedinamorebusinesslikemanner,“andusetherubbletobuildschoolsforimpoverishedchildren.”Herexpressionshadowedsuddenly;steppingforward,shereachedoutandwouldhavetouchedDaniel’searhadhenotflinchedback.“You’rewearinganearring.Andaweddingring.Whatexactlyhaveyoubeendoingthispastfortnight,Bixby?”
Atthatfortuitousmoment,avoicecalledfromthenightbeyond.
“Letmein!Letmein!”
Turning,DanielwasastonishedtoseeAlice’spallidfacefloatingbehindthewindow’slacecurtainlikeawildandlonelyspecterroamingthedarknessinsearchofhersoul’smaster.Hestrodeacrossand,pullingasidethecurtain,discoveredherbobbingawkwardlyintheair.
“Mrs.Blakeney!”hesaidwithsterndisapproval.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Tryingnottodie,”shereplied.“Thisisanoldpetticoat;itsincantationisfaded.Ican’tseemtomaneuver.Wouldyoudomeasmallfavor,ifyouhaveamoment,andsavemefromplummetingtomydoomfarbelow?”
Takingherarm,Danielhauledherthroughtheopenwindow.Theystumbledagainsteachother,andasAliceclutchedhisarmstostayupright,Danielfeltatighteningwithinhim.Theintensityofitalmostcausedhimtopushheroutthewindowinatrainedreflexheonlyjustrestrained.Instead,hesteppedbackabruptlyinthesamemomentshedidalso,snatchingherhandsawayfromhim.
“Whathappened?”heasked.
“Asevereoperationaldeficiency,thatiswhathappened,”sheretorted.“Whydidthedossiernotincludementionofatiger?Hm?Answermethat,sir.Onewouldassumesomethingassignificantasatigerwouldbementioned,evenifonlyinafootnote.Iwillmostcertainlybeaddingthistomy—”
Shestopped,staringpasthimtowhereAlexandCharlottewerewatchingthescenewithamusement.“Egads,it’sthemadpeople!”sheexclaimedinrecognition—andthenflushedassherealizedshe’djustbrokenhercover.
Butitwastoolateinanycase.AsDanielturned,hesawanansweringrecognitioninCharlotte’seyes.Trustawitchtorecognizeawomanshelastsawayearago,whenAlicehadbeenworkingundercoverwiththeWickenLeague.NodoubtAlicecouldhavedisguisedherselfasascantilydressed,gold-hairedoperasinger(hepausedtoenvisionit)andCharlottewouldstillknowher.ThewitchmighthavemadeagoodA.U.N.T.agentwereshenotanunrepentantenemyofthestatewhomonedayDanielmightbeorderedtoassassinate.
“MissDearlove,”shesaidlanguidly,hervoicerichwiththepromiseofmagic.“Thelasttimewemetyouwereclamberingthroughawindowtoo.”
“Iwasnot,”Alicesaid,affronted.
“IbegtoinsistthatIremembertheoccasionquiteclearly.”
“Therewasindeedawindow,”Aliceagreed.“ButIdidnotclamberthroughit.Ineverclamber.Itisentirelyindecorous.Except,thatis,whenatigerisabouttoconsumeme.”SheglaredatDanielasifnearingestionbywildcatwashisfault.Hestaredbackatherimplacably,nevermindthetumultofhispulseashemetherdark,glimmeringgaze.(Really,assoonasthismissionwasoverheoughttogetamedicalcheckup.)
Alexmadeanoisethatwouldhavebeenalaughhadhebeenarecklessman.Danielturnedtofrownathim,andthepiratebithissmileinanefforttoappearinnocent.ButAlexO’Rileycouldnotlookinnocentevenifallhisweaponswereremovedandapinkribbontiedinhishair.
“Iseeyoufinallysaidhellototheprettygirl,”heremarked.
“I—I—”Forthefirsttimeinyears,Danielfoundhimselfwithoutwords.
“Whatdoeshemean?”Aliceasked.
“InClacton,”Alexsaidcheerfully,oblivioustoDaniel’sglare,“hesawyouinatavernbutwastooshy—”
“Tooconcernedwiththebrawlabouttohappen,”Danielamendedsternly.
Alexshrugged,hissmiletiltingwithacommenthedidnotmakealoud,perhapsoutofrespectforDaniel,ormorelikelynoticinghowDaniel’shandwasreachingagainforagun.
“Prettygirl,”Aliceechoedwithdisapproval.ButDanielsawherfingerstap-tap-ing.
Charlottesawitalso.Hereyebrowwentupagain.“Inotice,MissDearlove,thatyouarewearingaweddingringtomatchBixby’s.”
AwholegangofWisteriaSocietyladieswithswordsdrawnwouldnothavebeenasterrifyingasLottiemakingapolitelyquietcomment.“I—I—”Aliceanswered.
Danielinstinctivelycametotherescue.“Sheismywife.”
AlexandCharlotteexchangedanastonishedglance.Andthentheylaughed.
Danielbristledwithdisapproval.“Excuseme.”
“Iamsosorry,Bixbydear,”Charlottesaid,attemptingtosoberhercountenance.“ItismerelythatIfinditsounlikelyyouwouldbemarriedin—”
“Sh!”Alexhissedsuddenly.“Someoneisatthedoor.”
Charlottesnatchedhishand.“Aereorapido,”shesaid,andthetwoofthemlevitatedatspeedtowardtheceiling,whereagapinthewoodenpanelingrevealedhowtheyhadenteredthelockedroom.Theyclimbedthroughit,thenCharlotte’sheadappearedagainattheopening.
“Thisconversationisnotfinished,”shewarnedbeforeslidingthepanelbackinplace,restoringtheceilingtoitsnormalstate.
DanielandAlicelookedateachotherdumbly.Thenthedoorrattled.Atonce,Danielvaultedoverasofatocrouchbehindit.Alice,walkingsedatelyaroundthatsamesofa,joinedhimthereinthedustyshadows.
“Ooh,”shesaidexcitedly,pickingupasmallbookthathadseeminglybeentossedtotheground,itspagesbent.Glancingatthecover,shewrinkledhernoseandsetitdownoncemore.Daniellookedaquestion;“Wordsworth,”sheexplained.
Justthen,thedoorcreakedopen.
“Empty,”cameawhisperedvoice.“Quick,Mr.Rotunder,andlockthedoorbehindyou.”
“Yes,Gertrudedear.”
“I’msureitwillbeinheresomewhere.JaneFairweatherhasnoimagination.Yousearchbeneaththatclothedtable.I’llcheckinthewritingdesk.”
“Whatexactlydoesitlooklike,dear?”
“Heavenknows.Dangerous.Maybesomekindofgun?”
DanielandAliceexchangedaspeakingglance.
“There’saboxofchocolatesunderhere.Couldthat—”
“Sh!”Mrs.Rotunderhissedsuddenly.“Someone’stryingtounlockthedoor.Hide!”
Thesofabegantoshudder.DanielandAlicelookedupintimetoseeMr.Rotunderclimbingoverit.HiswoodenlegwhackedDanielinthehead;hisotherfootsteppedonAlice’sback.
“Sorry,”hewhispered.“Pardonme.Myapologies.Couldyoumakealittlespace?”TheagentsshuffledasideandMr.Rotundercrouchedbetweenthem.“Thankgoodnessforhinges,”hewhispered,pattinghisknee,asDanielandAlicestaredathim.
Thedoorcreakedopen.
“We’llhavetobequick,”cameahushedvoice.“Youlookunderthatcloth-coveredtable,andbesuretoputyourglovesonfirst.Janeissocareless,thisroomisnodoubtswarmingwithgerms.”
“Yes,Jemdear.”
“Andjustlookattheshamblesonthiswritingdesk!Itisasthoughsomeonehaspulledeverythingoutofthedrawers.Idodeclare,iftheweaponisinthisroom,ithasprobablybeenrendereduselessbydust.”
“What—”
“Hush!Isthatsomeoneatthedoor?Hide!”
Danielpressedhisforeheadwearilyagainstthebackofthesofa—andthusescapedbeingkickedinthefaceasthegreathulkingbodyofJakeJacobsencatapultedovertosquatawkwardlyinthecrowdedshadows.
“Goodevening,”hesaidtothemen.HenoddedtoAlice.“Ma’am.”
“WellInever!”cameMissDarlington’svoice.“Whatareyoudoing,Gertrude,hidingbehindthedrapesIwasintendingtouseasconcealment?”
Suddenlythedooropened,andfemininegaspsarose.
“MissFairweather!”criedMissDarlington.
“Neverfear,Jem!Iwillsaveyou!”Jakeroselikeatrollwhosebridgehadjustbeenoverrunbygoats.Thesofarockedviolentlyashisshoulderknockedagainstit,bashingintoMr.Rotunder,whotippedoverwithacry,takingJakedownagainwithhim.Theman’sheadsmackedintoAliceandshelurchedinstinctivelyaway.Danielreachedouttosteadyherbeforeshecrashedagainstalamp-bearingcabinet,buthisownelbowhitavase-bearingcabinet,causingittotopple.Catchingthevasebeforeitreachedthefloor,hetrippedagainstMr.Rotunder,whofellbackward,knockingAliceoffherknees.Withinseconds,theentirecompanybehindthesofawasatangleoflimbs.
“Ahem,”MissDarlingtonsaid.Hercanetappedagainstthefloor.Likechastenedchildren,theagents,Jake,andMr.Rotunderclamberedtotheirfeet.TheylookedoutacrossthesofaatJaneFairweather.
WhohadeitheragedfivedecadesatthesightofsomanypeoplesecretedinhersittingroomorwasinfactMissMurielFairweather,Jane’sgrandmother.
“Whatisgoingon?”theladydemanded,handsonhips,hairfeathersflapping
“Whatdoyouthink?”MissDarlingtonreplied,leaningnonchalantlyonhercane.
“Somethingnefarious!”
“Nonsense,”Mrs.Rotunderscoffed.“Justaspotoflightafter-dinnerburglary.”
MissFairweather’seyesnarrowedassheconsideredthisresponse.Danielheldhisbreath.HenoticedAliceslipahandintothepocketwhereshekepthergun.
ThenMissFairweathershrugged.“Soundsreasonable.Hasanyonelookedinsidethatrosewoodboxyet?”
“Aaaaggghhh!”
Atthesuddenscreamarisingfromthecorridor,Danieljustaboutleapedoutofhisskin.HeandAliceimmediatelydrewtheirguns.Thepiratesglancedmildlyatthedoor.
“Myword!”Mr.Rotunderexclaimed.“IsthataWebleyMarkIrevolveryou’reholding,Mrs.Blakeney?Thosearecrackerguns,fromwhatI’veheard.CanItryitforaminute?Sayyes.”
“Aaaaggghhh—huh—aaaaggghhh!!”
AsAlicewrestledwithMr.Rotunderforpossessionofhergun,Danielstrodetothedoor.Hefounditlocked.
Crash!“Aaaaggghhh!”
Steppingback,Danielkickedthedoor,causingittosplinter(andthekeytofallfromitslocktothefloor).
Thepiratesexchangedabemusedlook.
“Ohdear,”MissFairweathersaid.“Janeisgoingtobesocross,andyoudon’twanttosee—”
Ignoringher,Danielpulledopenthedoor,andraisinghisguninbothhands,heenteredthecorridor.
Andnearlygotrundownbyacongalineofdancingpirates.10themiseryofjoy—adangerousconversation—onebedtoomany—privateeyes—rudeawakenings
Thereisanorderofmortalontheearthwhodobecomeyouthfulintheiroldage,andaroundwhomeveryoneelseisatriskofdyingbeforemiddleagefromsheerexhaustion.TheWisteriaSocietyladiesweresuchanorder—or,moreaccurately,disorder
Alicehadnevermetpeoplesodedicatedtothepursuitofhappiness.Shecouldnotapproveofthis,noroftheirdeterminationtodragheralong—literally,inthecaseoftheconga.Ohsure,whenoffdutysheenjoyedsuchpleasurableactivitiesasgivingthebedroomagoodsweepandrubbingtheentirebodyofhersilverwarecollectionuntilitshone.Butwantoncheerfulnesswaslikereadingabookwithoutfirstcheckinghowitended.Theriskofsurprisewassimplytoogreat.
Therefore,shewasrelievedwhenthepirates’congalinefinallyranoutofsteamandshecouldsneakawaywithDaniel.Beingaloneinabedroomwithhimwouldsecureagainstanyformofpleasure.
Theywerealmosttotheirdoorwhenapairofhousemaids,ladenwithfoldedsheets,noticedthem.Gaspingexcitedly,theyoungwomenhurriedover.
“Isittrue?”oneaskedinaloudwhisper.
AliceandDanielfrownedwithautomaticdisapproval.“Iswhattrue?”Aliceasked.
“Areyouthem?”
“AandB,”theothermaidclarified.ShewassurveyingDanielwithsuchheatedinterestitcouldonlybeconsideredamiraclethatherstackoflaundrydidn’tcombust.
“A.U.N.T.’sgreatestagents!”thefirstadded,bouncingonherheels.
Aliceglancedaroundtoensuretheywerealoneinthecorridor.“Youarebeingindiscreet,”shechided.
Butneitherwomanlistened.Indeed,she’dbarelyfinishedspeakingwhenthefirstsaid,“WeheardyouhijackedMissDarlington’shouseonthewayhere.”
“No—”Alicebegan.
“WeheardyoushotsixthievesinSt.James,”saidtheother.
“No—”
Suddenly,Danielreachedoutandremovedthetopmostsheetfromthelaundryofthewomannearesthim.Aseveryonewatchednervously,heunfoldeditbyhalf,realignedthecorners,andrefoldeditwithsuchprecisionitsedgescouldprobablybeusedtoslicebread.Hesetitonthestackoncemore.
Pallidandtrembling,themaidshastenedawaywithoutanotherword.
“Itseemstheyaregivinganytwitalicensetokillthesedays,”Danielmurmuredirritablyasheturnedbacktowardthebedroomdoor.
“Ishouldhaveshakenbettersenseintothem,”Alicesaid,“butfranklyfelttootiredtostirmyself.”
Enteringthebedroomatlast,Alicelockedthedoorandstoodjustsoakinginthedimlylitquiet.Assheinhaledonaslowcounttothree,sheheardDanieldothesame.Togetheratfour,theyexhaled.ThenDanielcheckedbehindcurtainswhileAliceinspectedunderthebed,lookingforthieves,tigers,ordustballs.
EventuallyDanielturnedand,pressingtheheelofhishandagainsthisbrow,lookedatAliceinawaythatsuggestedhewasstillseeingMrs.Ogden’sbustlejigglingastheelderlypirateconga’dinfrontofhim.
“Areyouhurt?”heasked.
“Hurt?”NoonehadeveraskedAlicesuchathingbefore,andshestruggledtoprocessit.
“Frombefore,whenwewereupstairs.”
“Oh.Notatall.CaptainO’RileyandMissPettiferlaughingattheideaofyoumarryingmeinnowaywoundedmyfeelings,or—”
“Imeantphysically.Didthetigerhurtyou?”
“No,Imanagedtoescapewithoutharm.However,FrederickBassingthwaite’shairoilsplashedinmyeyeseveraltimeswhiledoingtheconga.Frankly,Iknewthismissionwouldinvolvedanger,andatigerinabedroomwasapropos,butdancing—?!”
Theybothshuddered.
“Thethingspeoplearewillingtodowiththeirbodies,”murmuredDaniel,amanwhohadcomeclosetobreakingbonesmultipletimesbysomersaultingbackwardoffwalls,leapingbetweenrooftops,andcrashingthroughwindowsinordertocatchcriminals(orjustgettohisdestinationmorequickly).
“ThecaptainandMissPettifer,”hesaid—thenpaused.Herubbedhisforeheadagain.“Theywerelaughingatme,notyou.Noonecouldbesurprisedatanymanwantingtomarryy—”Hepausedagain,frowningsodarklyatsomethingacrosstheroomthatAliceturnedtoseewhatitwas.Butunlesssomethreatresidedinapaintingofanoaktree,shecouldnotunderstandhisconcern.Perhapshewasangryatthepirateandwitch.
“Wouldyoulikemetoassassinatethem?”sheasked.
Helookedbackatherwithanastonishmentshehadnotthoughthimcapableof.“What?No.Thankyou,butIamfamiliarwiththeirstyleofwit.”
“YouwereundercoveralongtimeinO’Riley’shouse.Iimagineyouformedasignificantconnectiontoeachother.”
Hisexpressionshutdown,shovedaseriesofdeadboltsintoplace,andsetastoneatopitself.“It’slate.Weshouldgotosleepinpreparationfor…Godonlyknowswhattomorrow.”
Alicecouldnotargueagainstthat.Takingherduffelbagintothewashroom,sheperformedtheusualablutionsandchangedintoanightgown.Shethenpausedforaseriesofdeep,calmingbreaths.
Forgettigersandterrifyingpirates—inamomentshewouldhavetogetintobedwithDanielBixby.Whileshehadearlierfeltentirelyuntroubledbythis,thestressesoftheday—nottomentionDanielhavingkissedher,akissshecouldstillfeel,asifithadsearedrightthroughhertranquillayerstotheverycoreofherbeing—madetheprospectofsleepingnexttohimratherdaunting.
Shebreathedin,breathedout.Iamaprofessionalwoman,sheremindedherself.Besides,lyingnexttoamaninbedisthesameasstandingnexttohiminapublicroom,onlyhorizontal.
Andalone.
Andsignificantlylessdressed.
Finally,becomingdizzyfromallthecalmbreathing,shere-enteredthebedroom.
Andhaltedsofast,herheartreverberated.
Danielstoodwithhisbacktoher,foldingclothes.Heappearedtobewearingsomespeciesofundervestthatclungtohisbodyandlefthisarmsexposedtoview.NotthatAlicewasviewinghim.Asalady,shedidnotdosuchthings.Asalady,shestareddeterminedlyintothemiddledistance.Thetinybrownspecksinhervisionmusthavebeendustmotesandnotthefrecklesonhisshapelybicep.Fiddlesticks!
Thenheturnedtowardher,andtheboldcontourofhisgroinbeneathlong,tightunderweartookherfiddlesticks,snappedthemintopieces,andmadeofthemaroaringbonfire.
DanielhadsensedAliceentertheroomandhadtakenlongerthanusualfoldinghisshirt,soastoensuretheaforementionedcontourdidnotdeveloptoosteepanangle.Nevermindherprettiness—theveryauraofher,sodeterminedlytranquil,luredhimoutofcoolprofessionalismandintothefiresoflust.He’dbeenstrugglingeversincekissingherintheparlor,akissthathadlefthislipsfeelingbereftandhisbodymurderous.Tobealonewithhernowwasprovingharderthanhe’dexpected—inmorewaysthanone.
Therewasreallynopointinhimwantingthewoman.A.U.N.T.wouldneverlethimhaveher.Theywouldseehimalmostself-destructratherthanallowhimtofulfillanypersonaldesiresthatmightintrudeuponhiseffectivenessastheiragent.Andalthoughlusthadalwaysbeforebeenaboutscratchinganitch,nothingmore,inthiscasehefeareditmighttakehimsomewheredeeper,somewherepainfullyimpossible.Sohewouldjust—not—want.Simpleasthat.
Gettinghisbodytounderstandprovedlesssimple.
Finally,bydintofcarefulbreathing,ruthlessself-control,andenvisioningMrs.Kewinafluffypinkbedjacket,hewasabletoturnandlookatAlice.
Andhastilyallowedtheshirtinhishandstounfold,itslengthfallinglikeaprotectiveshield,sincehisbodyconsideredtheideaofself-controlforalloftwosecondsbeforerejectingitutterly.
Alicewasdressedinavoluminouswhitenightgowneventhemostcensoriousobserverwoulddeempuritanical.ButitwasDaniel’sjobtobehighlyobservant,andheneededonlyoneglancetoappreciatethatthenightgownwasnotsomuchpuritanicalasohdamn,sinfullytempting.Whiterosesembroideredonthebodiceseemedtoflutterandswayagainstthegentleswellofherbreastsasshebreathed.Andtheheavydrapeoflinendidnotpreventhimfrombeingalltooawareofwhatlaybeneath,orhoweasilyitmightbeaccessed,onehandreachingundertheloosegarmentwhilehisotherpluckedtheroses…
“Ahem,”hesaid,urgentlybreakinghistrainofthought.
“Ahem,”Alicehappenedtosayatthesamemoment.
Theireyesmet,thenlookedaway,leavingDanielfeelingblistered.
“I—um—IthinkIwillsleeponthesofatonight,”hesaid,staringatthatitemoffurnitureasifitwasaholystatueoftheVirginMary.WithBabyJesusinherarms.Andthepopefrowningsolemnlyoverhershoulder.“Justtobesafe.”
“Perhapsthatiswise,”Aliceconceded.“However,Iwillbetheonetosleeponthesofa.Iamshorter,smaller,lessmuscular—”Shestoppedabruptly.
Danielglancedather.Shehadplaitedherhair,andhewantedtountietheribbonholdingittogetherandsliphisfingersbetweenthetwistedstrands,feelingthebraidcomeapartforhim..
Hastily,silently,herecitedseveralmathematicaltheoriesuntilhisbloodcooled.Thenheranawearyhandoverhisheadanddowntothenapeofhisneck,massagingthetautmusclesthere.
Alice,staringathisbicep,reiteratedfirmly,“Iwillsleeponthesofa.”
“Iamthegentleman,”heremindedher
“Yes,I’mdecidedlyawareofthat.”
“Therefore,Iwilltakethesofa.Youwillsleepinthebed.”
Shefrowned.“Iwillnot.Genderhasnorolehere.Theseniorofficermakesthesacrifice.”
“Genderabsolutelyhasthestarringrolehere,MissDearlove.Besides,weareequalinrank.”
“Iamalphabeticallysuperior.”
“Iamolder.”
“Verywell,”sheconceded.“Wewillhavetocompromise.”
Danielhadneverheardanythingmoreominous.
Thebedroom’ssofawasanelegantGeorgiancreation,mahoganyframedwithscrolledends,stiffcushioning,andsuchrichlyembroideredupholsterythatitmadeapersonscratchyjustlookingatit.AliceandDanielarrangedthemselvesuponitascomfortablyaspossible—whichistosay,notatall—wedgedateitherend.
“Iwishtogoonrecordasdisapprovingoftherebeingonlyonesofa,”Danielsaidashetuggedonthequilttheyshared.
“Noted,”Alicesaid,tuggingback.
“Andhowisitthataquiltsufficientforadouble-sizebedisnotenoughnow?MightIhaveatleastenoughtoproperlycovermylegs?”
“Don’tspeakofyourgrossanatomy,”Alicechided.
Heraisedaneyebrow(andtuggedthequiltoncemore).“Areyoucallingmylegsgross?”
“No.”Shesighed,rollinghereyes.“Grossanatomyasopposedtomicroscopicanatomy.Haveyouneverreadadictionary,sir?”
“Ihavebeentoooccupiedreadingliterature.Itoffersmoremeaningfulexplanations.Forexample,‘Ourbodiesareourgardens—’?”
“Nonsense.”
“Shakespeare.”
“Uncontextualized.Besides,ifyourbodywereagarden,itwouldbeallvines,consideringhowitismonopolizingthesofa.”
“Yourswouldbebuddingflowers,”heshotback.
Andanabruptsilencestunnedthemboth.Theystaredateachotherwithakindofprimitiveshockthatslowly,inexorably,becameelectric.
“Themission,”Alicesaidvaguely.
“Yes,”Danielansweredinthesametone.Thenheblinked,yankinghisgazeawayfromher.“Yes,”herepeatedmorefirmly.“Andforthemissiontobesuccessful,weneedtosleep.”
Alicehatedtoagreewithhim,butinfactshefeltexhausted.Determined,however,tomaintainatleastonepointofsuperiority,sheclaimedthefinalword:“Goodnight.”Andshereachedforthenearbytablelamptoextinguishitslight.
“Goodnight,”Danielanswered.
Herhandpaused,mid-reach.“Sleepwell,”shesaidemphatically.Afteramoment’ssilence,shetookholdofthelamp’svalve.
“Youtoo.”
Alicefrowned.“Pleasantdreams,”shesnapped,andplungedthemintodarknessbeforeAgentBcouldsayonemorething.
Foralongwhilethereafter,thequietswayedwiththeirrhythmicbreathing.Rainagainstthewindowwhisperedgently;thefirewasnomorethanaheapofsmolderingcoals.Finally,AlicesensedDanielhaddriftedintosleep,andsheexhaledwithrelief.(Internalrelief,thatis.Externally,herhipached,hershoulderwasangleduncomfortably,andtherewasnoeasingthehotachebetweenherlegs.)Nowatlastshemightrest.
“Aaahh!Takethat,youvarmint!!”
Shealmostfelloffthesofa.Goodgrief,whatonearthwerethepiratesdoingoutthere?!
Hhshhh.
Nowherheartwastheonetofall.Thesoftnoiseattheotherendofthesofaalarmedhermorethanthescreaminthecorridor.WasDanielawakeagain?Whatwashedoing?Adjustinghispillow,orturningsohefacedher?
Fiddlesticks.Shewasnevergoingtosleeptonight.
DawneasedintotheroomsofStarkthornCastlelikeawitchcometotidyawaythedarknessand,whileshewasatit,stealafewdreams.Danielwokeabruptly,completely.Hismindrecollectedthelocationsofhisweaponsevenbeforeitemergedfromitsusualvaguenightmares.Itstraightenedthefilesofhisexistence,bookmarkedafewbodilyneeds,thenopenedhiseyes.
Andpiecesofcognitionfleweverywhere
Hewascrammedintotheveryendofthesofa,historsotiltedawkwardlyback,hisfeetonthefloorwherethequilthadfallen,andAlicecurledupwithherheadrestinginhislap.Danielcouldfeelherslow,warmbreaththroughthelinenofhisunderwear.Instantly,thepillowshehadmadeforherselfbecamerock-hard.
Damn.Heneededtogetdistantfromthewoman,andfast.Attemptingtoslideahandbeneathherhead,hefrozeasshecuddledoneofhislegswiththeendearingwarmthofawomanandthestrengthofawell-trainedassassin.Hetriedtocount,butwhatthehellwerenumbersagain?Alicemurmuredinhersleep,nestlingcloser,andhegroaned.
Atthesound,Alicejoltedsuddenly.ShewasuprightonthefloorbeforeDanielevenprocessedthatshewasmoving.Abare,rose-scentedfootsetitselfagainsthisthroat,andonlythefactthatshewasEnglish,andthereforesporting,savedDanielfromthedisagreeableeffectsofherapplyingafatalpressureatonce.
“Wakeup,AgentA,”hesaidcalmly.
Sheblinkeddark,heavyeyes,hervisioncomingintofocus…
“Yoo-hoo!Blakeneys!”
Thissuddencheerfulcallwasfollowedbyaviolenthammeringuponthebedroomdoor.DanielandAlicestaredateachotherforonefrozenmoment.Thenamutualrealizationofwhattheymustdoblossomedwordlesslybetweenthem.DanielclutchedbothhandsaroundAlice’sankleandtwisted.
Shecollapsedfacedownonthequilt.Asshebeganturningover,Danieldroppedfromthesofatojoinher,andinstinctively,briefly,theywrestled.Withinshortorder,Danielfoundhimselflyingatopher,grippingherwristsoverherhead.
Hefrowned.Thissituationwasasoppositeto“gettingdistantfromthewoman”aspossiblewithouthimactuallybeinginsideher—andthatwasathoughthedidnotwanttobeindulgingrightnow.
Alice’sfacereddenedasshelookedupathim.Danielwatchedherexpressionflashbrightforonemomentwithcaution—thenshyness—thenstark,desperateyearning.Thepulseinherwristsbeganshudderingagainsthispalms.Theswellingbetweenhislegsthrobbed.Heloweredhisheadtowardher,andsherosetomeethim.
Inachingsilence,theirlipstouched—
Thebedroomdoorslammedopen.
“Yoo-hoo!”Mrs.Ogdensangoutasshebargedintotheroom,followedcloselybyMrs.Rotunder.Bothwomenstopped,staringwide-eyed,whentheysawDanielandAlicetogetheronthefloor.Danielliftedhisheadcalmly.Beneathhim,Aliceexhaledwithreliefthattheyhadachievedaproperlymaritalposejustinthenickoftime.
“Goodnessme!”Mrs.Ogdenexclaimed,herfaceilluminatedwithaDisapprovingCountenanceTypeFive:SecretlyTitillated.
“Youhavenoticedthatyou’vegotabed?”Mrs.Rotunderaskedslyly.
Danielforcedapiraticsmileonhislips,althoughtheyweretinglingsomuchfromtheirbrieftouchuponAlice’s,hestruggledtocontrolthem.Buthemusthavebeensuccessful,forthetwoladiesbeganbackingtowardthedoor.
“Wejustwantedtoletyouknow,”Mrs.Rotundersaid,“thatyoushouldcome—er—”
“Everyone’sup,”Mrs.Ogdenexplained.“You’remissingallthefun!”
Mrs.RotundermutteredsomethingunderherbreathasshepushedMrs.Ogdenoutthedoorandcloseditbehindthem.Laughtercouldbeheardtrillinginthecorridor.
“Fun,”Aliceechoedgrimly.
“Ihaveafeelingthisdoesnotbodewell,”Danielsaid,andclimbedoffherbeforedesiredrovehimmadderthanahousefulofpirates.11adiscourseondevilry—adevotionalimage—baroqueversusromanticism—caughtintheact—dangeroustrousers—aconfusionofagency
Theroadtohellispavedwithpiraticentertainments.TheybeganbeforebreakfastintheformofanimpromptugameoftaginitiatedwhenBloodhoundBesswascaughtstealingapearlnecklacefromMrs.Ogden’sdressingtable.ThencameCapturetheFlagwithapairofMrs.Ogden’sknickers.Bythetimethebutlerwarilyannouncedbreakfastserved,thecompanywasbright-eyed,bushy-tailed,andreadytoboardafasttraintotheAbodeoftheDamned.
“Let’sdoaspotofhuntingafterthis,”MillietheMonstersuggestedasshedippedtoastintoasoft-boiledegg.
“Jollygrandidea!”Frederickexclaimed.“Justthethingtostirtheblood!”
“I’mgladyouagree,”Milliesaid.“Yourfootmenlooklikesprightlychaps—mybloodisstirringalready.Howmuchofaheadstartshallwegivethem?”
Acrosstheroomfromher,twofootmenshufflednervously.
“Ah,”Fredericksaidwithastartledlaugh.“Isupposedyoumeantoutinthefields,shootinggrouseandwhatnot.”
“Howbarbaric,killingdefenselessanimalsinsuchamanner!”Mrs.Ogdenexclaimedthroughamouthfulofbacon.“Itbehoovesusasladiesandleadersofsocietytobemorecivilized.Iforonewillnotbehuntinganysmall,fluffycreature.It’sdignifiedindoorpursuitsforme,thankyou.”Shescrutinizedthefootmenwithawidowdegreeofinterest.“Isayfiveminutesshouldbeenough.I’lltaketheoneontheleft.”
Alicetriednottotapherfingersagainstthetabletopwithfrustration.Shedidnotwanttobecaughtupinmindlessgamesallday.Therewasaweapontobefound,theQueentobesaved,andtherestofhercurrentreadingtobefinishedinpeaceandquietbackinLondon.LeaningclosertoDaniel,whosatbesideher,shemurmured,“IfearIhavenotmuchappetite.Wouldyoulikemycrumpet?”
Shewatchedhiseyesdarkenashestaredbackather,andunderstoodthathehadrecognizedthecodeforLetusescapethecompanyassoonaspossibleandscourthedamnedcastleinhopesoffindingtheweapon,forthesakeofHerMajesty’slife,nottomentionmysanity.
“Itisshapedratherlikeacat,don’tyouthink?”sheadded—i.e.,Ihaveanenchantedpetticoatontodayincaseweneedtobelikecatburglarsandclimbinthroughwindowsagain.
Danielblinkedrapidlyatthis—butbeforeAlicecoulddecipherwhathemeant,Janetappedaspoonagainstherteacup
“HowcleverisMrs.Blakeney?”shesaid.Thecompanypausedintheireatingtostarenonplussed,firstather,thenatAlice.“Iwillbebusythismorninginconferencewiththehousekeeper—whichremindsme,Frederick,wheredidyouputmythumbscrews?—butwhydon’tyoualltakeinspirationfromMrs.Blakeney’screativevisionandtourthecastle’sartworks?”
Theexcellenceofthisideawasgenerallyagreedupon,andAlicecongratulatedforit.Hernervestwitchedattheattention—butsincethesobercontemplationofartwassecondonlytoreadinginheresteem,bythetimesheleftthetableshewaspreparedtobehappyindeed.
Hadsheinsteadpreparedtobeexhausted,confused,andnearlystabbedtodeath,thatmighthavebeenmorehelpful.
Thecompanytrampedthroughcorridorsandgalleries,notsomuchcontemplatingtheartascalculatingitsvalue,measuringitfortheft,and,inthecaseofsmallerpieces,stashingitinsidehiddenpockets.(Theyweren’tparticularlysobereither,sinceMillietheMonsterhadsecretlyspikedthebreakfastteawithrum.)Severalgapsinthecollectioncausedirritation,aspiratesdonotlikehavingmissedoutonanything.DanielandAlicehoveredawkwardlyattheedgesofthegroup,receivingsuspiciouslooksfortheirlaw-abidingbehavior
“Perhapsweshouldtrytostealsomething,”Alicewhispered.
“Orperhapsweshouldsneakoff,”Danielwhisperedback.“WecouldsearchFrederick’sofficewhileeveryoneisbusy.”
“Verywell,”Aliceagreed.“Let’sgonow,bef—”
“AndthatiswhyIconsiderRembrandtafraud!”
Theirheadswhippedaround.
Mrs.Rotunderwassneeringatagroupofoilpaintings.“Completefraud,”sheaverred.
“Surelyyoujest,”MissDarlingtonsaidsternly.
“Whyshouldyouthinkso?”Mrs.Rotunderanswered.“JustlookatthisportraitofDana?.Leavingasidethematterofheroutrageousnudity(which,youmaybesure,Idonotapproveof),whereisthegoldenshowercometohavenookywithher?”
MissDarlingtongasped.“Icannotbelieveyousaidsucharudeword,Gertrude!Aladynevermentions”—shewhisperedloudly—“nudity.Imustprotest.Engarde!”
Mrs.RotunderscoffedattherapierMissDarlingtonhaddrawnfrominsideherwalkingstick.“Really,dear?Beforeteninthemorning?Howdéclassé.”
Nowtheentirecompanygasped.Metalrangoutasswordsanddaggerswerepresented.Forgetcontemplation:theartwasnowcatapultedacrosstheroomtoemphasizevariouspointofdebate.
“Suchoffensivelanguageisunacceptableinourpolitecompany!I’mgoingtoteachyouabloodylesson!”Thud!MissDarlingtonsmashedapaintingoverMrs.Rotunder’shead,dentingthehatthereon.
“The‘impastotechnique’justmeanstheartistatealotofspaghettiwhilehepainted,doyouknownothing?!”Clang!HadizatheHorriblesentaminiaturelandscapebouncingofftheedgeofMrs.Etterly’ssword.
“Lookyou,thewomaniswearingaweddingring,thereforecannotbeDana?!”Smack!BloodhoundBessappliedDana?’sportraitemphaticallytothefaceofEssieSmith.
“Yourdressisugly!Ohyes,andIalsodisagreewithwhateveryousaidaboutthepainting!”Crash!Ping!Ping!Ping!MillietheMonstersmashedavaseagainstawall,causingshardstoricochetaboutthechamber.
Danielwatchedinastateofsilentdisapproval.ButAlicefoundherselftappingherfingersandclickinghertongue.“Really,”shedeclaredatlast,tonooneinparticular,“itisobvioustheilluminationofDana?’sfigurealludestothegoldenshower.”
BloodhoundBesstookexceptiontothis(ongeneralprinciple,sinceshedidnotknowwhatilluminationmeant,althoughshesuspecteditwasanotherrudeword),andmomentslaterAlicefoundherselfstumblingbacksoastoavoidthelady’ssword.ShecollidedwithMrs.Ogden,whowasdisputingthepronunciationofBaroquewithLysanderSmithbymeansofshouting“Barro-kew!Barro-kew!”andbashinghimaroundtheheadwithherpurse.
“Hey,watchit!”theelderlypiratecomplainedasAliceknockedagainsther.
“Ibegyourpardon,”Alicesaid.ButMrs.Ogdenswungabout,aimingherpursetowardAlice’sheadevenasBloodhoundBessmovedcloser—
AndsuddenlyDanielwasthere,standingbetweenAliceandthetwopiratewomen,hisarmscrossedandhisdisapprovalmoredauntingthanadrawnweapon.
“Ladies,”hesaid.“I’msureyoudonotmeantothreatenmywife.”
Atthatmoment,afreaklightningstormoccurredinsideAliceDearlove’scirculatorysystem.
“Mygoodness,”Bessremarkeddrylyassheloweredhersword.“Whataromanticgesture!”
“Icanlookaftermyself,”Alicesaid—since,accordingtothemissiondossier,astatementoffeminineindependencewasrequiredatsuchmoments,notdreamymusicandadozenrosesdisplayedbycandlelightinherbrain.
Bessgaveashort,crisplaugh.“Comenow,everypirateadoresromanticgestures.Amanriskinglifeandlimbforyou?Sothrilling!Andletusbeclear—”ShepinnedDanielwithahardlook.“Lifeandlimbareatriskhere.”
Daniellookedbackunflinchingly.
“Frankly,Ididn’tthinkhehaditinhim,”Mrs.Ogdencommented.
“Oh,IsuspectthereisagreatdealofinterestunderMr.Blakeney’scover,”Bessreplied.“Come,mydear,letusgoattackeachotheroverinthatcorner,andleaveMrs.Blakeneytohandleher—”Shebrokeoff,clearingherthroat.
“Husband,”Mrs.Ogdensupplied.
“Hm,”Bessagreed,andwithasmirkshedrewtheotherladyaway.
AliceandDanielstoodforamomentinawkwardsilence,notmeetingeachother’seyes.Finally,Danielshifted,straighteninghisalreadyperfectlyalignedspectacles.
“Yes.Right.Wherewerewe?”
“GoingtosearchFrederick’soffice,”Alicesaid.“Butifweleavenow,they’llassumewe’rebeing—youknow.”
“Antisocial?”
“Romantic,”shewhisperedfiercely.
Hegaveherasmilesowickeditwasasifhe’dputonafeatheredhatandfascinatingboots.Rememberingthathe’dbeenbutlertoanotoriouslyrakishpirate,Alicewonderedjusthowmanyviceshehadpickedupalongtheway…andwhetherhemightbepersuadedtoshowsomeofthemtoher.
“Good,”hesaid,andtuckedherarmaroundhis.
Alicestrovetoremaintranquil.Overtheyears,she’dwrestledwithmenduringtraining,beenhelpedbymenintocarriagesandtrains,andevenbeengropedbymenwhothoughtshewasanaive,powerlessservant(andwhoafterwardhadmuchtimetodwellupontheerroroftheirwaysfromahospitalbed).ButDanielBixby’sphysicalpresencealwaysmadeherfeellikeabookwhosepageswerebeingriffled.
Now,withmywifeechoinginherbrainastheywalkedtogetherfromthegallery,Alicehadtoadmitherselffeelingindeedriffled—byatornado.
Themomenttheyleftthepirates’sight,Danielreleasedher.Theydidnotspeakastheystrodethroughthecastlecorridors,andbythetimetheyarrivedatFrederick’soffice,Alicewassensiblytranquiloncemore.
“Thedoorislocked,”Danielreported,tuggingonitshandle.
“I’mwearingmylockpickasahairpintoday,”Alicesaid,andpattedhercoiffureinsearchofit.
“Allowme.”
Beforesheunderstoodwhathewasabout,Danielsetahandagainsthercheekandusedhisotherhandtoslowlywithdrawalongcopperpinfromherhair.
Sticks!Fiddle!Thetornadoswoopedbackinagain,rifflinghersovigorouslyherbrainfelldownandhadtostruggletogetbackupagain.Herhearttriedtooutracethestorm.ButhereyeswererivetedonthesightofDaniel’stemperateface,hislashescastingdelicateshadowsashewatchedhimselfreleasethepin.Alockofhairtumbledlooseagainstherthroat,andsheshiveredatitslight,strokingtouch.
Pressingthesharppointofthelockpicktohisfingertip,Danielsmiled.“Ishouldhavenoproblemslidingitin,”hesaid.
AndAlice’sbrain,havingrestoreditself,collapsedagain.
“Uhngh,”shesaid.
Danielgaveheraslightlyperplexedlook,thenturnedtoinsertthepinintothedoor.Alicehastilytidiedherconsciousnessyetagain.Shedidnottapevenonefinger.Shewasafterallamasterspy!Herentirefocusremainedonthemission’ssex.
No,wait—themission’ssuccess
Suddenly,footstepssounded.
“Quick,”Danielwhispered,turningtoAliceandanglinghimselfsothedoor’slockwashidden.“Actmarried!”
Someoneappearedaroundthenearbycorridor…Danielreachedforher.
“Andfurthermore,”Alicesaidinastridentvoice,slappinghishandawayandshovingherfistsagainstherhips.“Whenyoutakeoffyourshirtattheendoftheday,youshouldleaveitinthehamper,notonthefloor!”
Stunned,Danielopenedhismouthtoreply,butcloseditagainwordless.Therewouldhavebeennotimeforhimtorespondinanycase,forthepersonwasuponthem.
“Isay!Fancyseeingyouhere,what!”
“Snodgrass.”Danieldirectedachillingstareatthescientist,whogrinnedbackcheerfully.Behindhimcameafootmancarryingaladder.“Whatareyouupto,Doctor?”
“Upto?”Thescientist’slimbsjerkedslightly,asifthey’dtakenthequestionasacommandtojump.
“Whydoyouhavealadder?”Alicespecified.
“Oh!Itbelongstothisfellow.Wesimplyhappentobegoinginthesamedirectionandfellintochatting,haha.Isay,whatareyouupto?”Hepeeredatthedoorbehindthem.“Tryingtoopenthat?Ah!Icanhelp!Ihaveaspeciallydesignedkeyheresomewhere.”Hepattedhisvariouspockets;somethingbuzzed,andsmokepuffedfromthehemofonetrouserleg.
“Wedon’tneedit,”Danielsaidhastily.
“No,no,I’msureIhaveit,myownparticularinvention,what,andit’stheperfectgadgetfora—”
Danielclosedhiseyes.Aliceflappedahandatthescientist,mouthingGo!Quickly!,andthemanfinallyhadenoughsensetodoashewastold.BythetimeDanielopenedhiseyesagain,Snodgrasswasalmosttotheendofthecorridor,outoftherangeofassassination.
Thefootmanlingered,however.Bitinghislipnervously,heglancedalongeachdirectionofthecorridor,thenleanedforward.
“IheardyoubroughtdownapackofthievesinSt.Jamesusingonlytwofingersandahat,”hesaid.“Don’tsupposeyoucouldteachmehow?”
Hewasallowedtoleaveinfullpossessionofhislifeandlimbsbecausekillingamanwhoheldaladderwouldinevitablybenoisy.
WatchingthefootmanrunafterSnodgrass,Aliceexhaled.“Thatwasaclosecall.IfearedifDr.Snodgrasspattedonemorepockethemightexplode.”
“Hm,”Danielsaid,packingintoonesyllableaferventmonologueonhowmuchhewishedsuchathingwouldhappen.HeunlockedthedoortoFrederick’sofficeandpeeredinside.
“Clear.”
Theyenteredand,closingthedoorbehindthem,begansearchingtheroom.Butnoweaponlayhiddenbehinditsseveralmirrors,noramongstthecolognesandhair-careproductsclutteringitsdesk,norinsidethemannequindressedinawhiteshirtandpinksilkwaistcoat.
“NedLightbournehasawaistcoatjustlikethis,”Danielremarked,inspectingthegarment’spocketsincaseacatastrophicallydangerousassassinationdevicewashiddeninsidetheirtwoinchesofspace.
AlicesetdownalocketcontainingJane’sportraitand,turning,noticedseveralmarksonthefloor.“Whatarethese?”sheasked,bemused.
Danielregardedthemthoughtfullyforamoment,thenbegantofollowthemwithhisfeet.
“It’sthetango,”hesaid,movingwiththeeasy,fluidgraceofamanwhosebodywasafinelyhonedweapon.“Frederickmustbetryingtolearn.”
“Hedoesn’tseemthetypewhowoulddancewell,”Alicemused.
Danielturnedonhisheelandfollowedthemarksbackagain.“Whattypewouldthatbe?”
“Self-confident,”shesaid.“Goodspatialawareness.Firmhips.”
Asharplittlesilencefollowedthisstatement.AlicerealizedshewasstaringatDaniel’ships.“Um,”shesaid,liftinghergaze—andimmediatelybecamecaughtinhis.
Hewasstaringrightbackather,transfixed.Alicedidnoteventrytolookaway.Shewasgoingtosetupcampinthishot,silentmoment;shewasgoingtobuildahouseandgrowoldhere.Theworldbeyondturnedasdarkandvagueassmoke.Themissionvanishedaltogether.Danieltookastepcloser,andsomethingrattled—herheartmaybe,ortheofficedoor’shandle.
SheblinkedjustasDanieldid,yankedviolentlybackintoclarity.Theofficedoor’shandlerattledlouderandbegantoturn.
Therewasnotimetohide.Alltheycoulddowasdashtotheendoftheroomandpressbackagainstthewall,wheretheywereconcealedbythedoorasitslowlyopened.
“Iknowyou’reinhere,”cameacold,hushedvoice.“Ihaveagunintendedforyou.”
Abrown-hairedwomandressedallinblackenteredcautiously.Danielmovedtowardherwithsilentswiftness,graspingherbytheneck.Shehadnoopportunitytoreact:withinseconds,consciousnessabandonedher,andshecollapsedtothefloor.
“Dead?”Aliceaskedassheclosedthedooragain.
“IhopeIamnotsoclumsyasthat,”Danielanswereddryly.Crouchingbeforethewoman,hecheckedherpulse.“Alive.”
“Doyourecognizeher?”
“No.Thehousemaid’suniformwouldindicateshe’saservant,butthesemanicuredfingernailssuggestotherwise.Whateverthecase,bettersafethansorry.”Takingstringfromhistrouserpocket,hebegantyingthewoman’swrists.
“Youareusingthewrongknot,”Aliceadvised.“She’llbeabletoslipoutofthateasily.”
“It’sasledgeknot.Entirelysuitable.”
“Youshoulduseaconstrictorknot.”
“Uhhuh.”Hecontinuedapplyingasledgeknottothewoman’swrists.
“Iwouldrathertakeadvicethanriskasuspectescaping,”Alicenoted.
Danielpaused,hisforearmsrestingonhisthighs,andlookedupatherwithanunblinkingsternnessthatwouldnodoubthavedauntedsomeonenotraisedbyspymasters.“Areyouquestioningmyprofessionalism?”
“Ofcoursenot.”
Henodded.
“Iamimpugningitoutright.”
AmuscleinDaniel’sjawleaped.Alicedidnotsmirk,forthatwouldbeundisciplined,buthermouthdidslantalittleatoneedgeasshebenttopickupthewoman’spistol.
Bzzz.Bzzz.
Shealmostdroppeditagainasitvibratedinherhand.
“Ohdear,”Danielmurmured.
Bzzz.Bzzz.
Alicepressedthefacingofthepistol’shandle,thencaughtherbreathasitslidup,revealingametalinterioretchedwithLatin.WithatrepidatiousglanceatDaniel,sheheldittohermouth.
“Hello?”
“AgentA?”cameatinnyreplyfromwithinthepistol.Alicewinced,recognizingMrs.Kew’svoice.Danielbithislowerlipandglancedguiltilyatthewomanlyingboundandunconsciousbeforehim.
“Yes,thisisA,”Alicereplied.
“Kewhere.Gladto…AgentMfoundyou…disguisedcommunicationdevice.Ihaveimportantinformation…you.”
“Goahead,”Alicesaid,watchingasDanieluntiedthesuspicioushousemaidAgentM.
“Wehavediscovered…will…absolutelyghastly!…youmust…atonce,beforethewhole…crashingdown!…disaster!”
“It’sabadconnection,”Alicereplied.“Sayagain.”
“Imperativethatyou…stop…orelse…”
Sparksbeganflashingfromthegun’sbarrel.Aliceinstinctivelytosseditfromher,andevenbeforeitreachedthefloor,thewholethingeruptedinflames.Alicegrabbedanearbyblondwigandappliedittoextinguishingthefire.Shemanagedtodosoquickly,buttherewasnohopeofusingthedeviceagain.
“AnyideawhatMrs.Kewwassaying?”Danielasked.
“None.You?”
Heshookhishead.ThenAgentMbegantostir,moaningalittle.Danielimmediatelyattendedtoher.
“Youattackedme!”shegaspedashehelpedhertoherfeet.
“Er,yes,”heconfessed.“Sorryaboutthat.”
“Youactuallyusedachokeholdonme!”
“Well,somethingofthesort.Apologies.”
Herdarkeyeswidened.“AgentBrenderedmeunconscioususingaspecialistmaneuver!Icannotbelievemygoodfortune!JustwaituntilV-2hears,shewillbesojealous!Wouldyouautographmy—my—”Shelookedaboutherpersonforsomethingtobesigned,andfinallyrolleduphersleeve,revealingadecidedlyun-housemaid-liketattooofabird.“Justsignmyarm,”shesaid.“Thename’sMiaThalassi,andifyouwantedtofold—”
“Listen,Mia,”AliceinterjectedbeforeDanielcouldgetcalmagain.“DoyouknowwhyMrs.Kewwascalling?”
“No,ma’am.ShallIaskDr.Snodgrassforanotherdevice?”
“No!”theagentsansweredinimmediateunison,causingMiatotakeacautiousstepbackfromthem.
“No,”Danielsaidmoresedately.“Wemustgetthatinformation.Butwecan’trisksendingatelegram—thenetworkiscompletelyinfiltratedwithenemyspies.”
“YoumeanemployeesoftheBritishgovernment,”Miasaid.
“Exactly.SomeonewillhavetogotoLondonandspeaktoMrs.Kewinperson.”
Miathrustherhandintotheair.“Ivolunteerastraveler!”
“Hm,”Danielsaid,crossinghisarmsasheregardedher.
Shestaredrightback.“Ifyou’retryingtodauntme,justknowthatIcurrentlysharequarterswithAgentV-2andhavetospendhalfthenightlisteningtoherreadoutscenesfromtheMobyDickretellingshe’sworkingon,writtenfromtheperspectiveofthewhale.Itstartswith,‘CallmeDick,MobyDick.Iamaspermwhale.’Asaresult,notmuchunnervesmethesedays.”
“Fairenough,”Danielsaid,easinghisstance.“Verywell,returntoheadquartersandbringusbacktheinformation.Butbequickaboutit.Anymomentnow,theWisteriaSocietymight—”
“Findtheweaponanduseitfornefariouspurposes,”Miasaid,noddingsomberly.
Danielfrowned.“Iwasmorethinkingtheymight—”
“Discoveryouridentityandforceyoutowalktheplank?”
“Makeusplayanotherparlorgame,”Alicesaid,andbothsheandDanielshuddered.
TheysentMiaoff,butanyfurthersearchingtheymighthaveundertakenwasforestalledbytheringingoftheluncheonbell.
“Itwouldhelpifwe’dbeentoldwhoexactlyamongstthestaffisonmissionsupport,”Alicecomplainedastheyheadedforthediningroom.
“Itrustnoone,”Danielsaid.“Exceptyou,ofcourse.”
Alice’sstomachdidasmallflipatthisstatement,andsheimmediatelyscowledinself-annoyance.Herstomachwasnottheflippingkind.Itwasthedisinterested,unemotionalkind,entirelyprofessional.Hermindwaswellregulated.Andhereyesdidnotkeepglancingatagentleman’sbuttockslikesomeshamelesshussy,thankyouverymuch.Sheneededtopullherselftogether,orelsebythetimethismissionendedshe’dpracticallybeapirate.
“Atleasttheladieswillbeexhaustedafterthismorning,”shesaid.“They’llwanttospendtheafternoonrestingonyourbottom—er,ontheir—er,sittingdown—whichmeanswecancontinueoursearch.”
Bang!
Aporcelainvaseflewoutofthediningroomandshatteredagainsttheoppositewall.Hollersandcheersfollowedit.
“Youweresaying?”Danielasked.
“OhGod.”Alicepressedahandagainstherstomach,whichhadadvancedfromflippingtotwisting.“It’sgoingtobefun,isn’tit?”
“I’mafraidso.”Danieltuckedherarminhis,andtheyenteredthefray.12semantics—it’sjustnotcricket—aliceisinperil—danielprovesevenworsethanthemostdastardlyscoundrelevertoplaguemissdarlington’slife—explosions
Onecrowdedhourofgloriouslifemightbeworthanagewithoutaname,butAlicewouldgladlyhavetradeditforeventhirtyminutesofanonymous,emptypeace.BalancingonahighparapetofStarkthornCastle,shebreathedhardandfannedherselfwithatennisracketwhileoverheadseveralhousesfloated.Ontheroofofeachstoodapirate,playingwhattheytermeda“fun”gameofaerialtennis.Aliceconsideredthisacrimeagainstlanguage.
“Looksharp,Mrs.Blakeney!”shoutedMillietheMonster,pinkskirtsflouncingassheranthelengthofherridgepoletowhackaballinAlice’sdirection.Aliceraisedherracketwithoutmuchhope,butMillie’saimwastrue—thankfully,consideringtheaforementionedballwasinfactagrenade.ItbouncedoffAlice’sracketandflewrandomlyacrossthesky.MissDarlington,seatedonawickerchairwithablanketoverherlapandcupofteainhand,pointedtoitwithhercane.Immediatelyhermaidservant,Competence,jumped,racketswoopingefficiently.Therecameabusinesslikethwack,andthegrenade-ballspunawaytowardMrs.Rotunder’sconservatory.
Boom!
Glassexploded.Piratescheeredandthen,assmokebillowedthroughthetremblingair,begantocough.Aliceduckedassomethingshottowardher.Itclatteredontothewalkwaybehindtheparapet.Turningcarefully,Alicelookeddowntoseeawoodenarm,splinteredandflickeringwithflames,rollacrossthestone.
“Sorry,Mr.Rotunder!”Competencecalledout.
“Noworries!”thegentlemanrepliedsunnilyfromtheconservatory’sshattereddoorway,wavingwhatremainedofhislimb.“IalwaysbringasparearmwhenvisitingwiththeSociety,justincase.”
“Thatwasthelastball,”Mrs.Etterlyannouncedfromatopherchimney.“Shallwehaveateabreak?”
“Thankgoodness,”Alicemuttered.
“Excellentidea!”Mrs.Ogdenshouted.“I’llgetmybutlertobringupsomeoldcups.Butwe’llneedbatsinsteadofrackets.”
Alicegroaned.Whilethepiratesbusiedthemselveschangingequipment,sheslippeddownfromtheparapetandleanedbackagainstitsstonewall,hopingthatoutofsightwouldrenderheroutofmind.Thepirates’minds,thatis.Alicefeltfairlycertainshewasalreadyoutofherownmindfollowinganafternoonofaerialtennis,aerialcalisthenics,andothermundaneactivitiesthatbecameterrifyinglymaniconcethewordaerialwasattachedtothem.Shecoulddowithanactualteabreak—preferablywithwineinsteadofteainthecup.
Infact,forgetthecup.Justhandoverthebottle.
Pushingbackthewide-brimmedhatMissDarlingtonhadloanedher,sheranahandacrossherdampface,notevenbotheringtotidythestrandsofhairhanginglooseaboutitsedges.RememberingthatDanielstillhadpossessionofherhairpinfromearlier,sheclosedhereyesandindulgedinasmall,pleasantdaydreamaboutreachingintohistrouserpockettotakeitback…
“Ahem.”
Atthesound,hereyesflungopen—thenattemptedtoopenevenwiderstillastheysawDanielwalkingalongthebattlementtowardher,amildexpressionofdisapprovaluponhisface.Watchinghim,Alicerealizedshewasprobablygoingtohavetoreportherselfformentalderelictionofduty.HersecretthoughtsaboutAgentBbrokeseveralrulesofprofessionalpsychologicalconduct—thengroundthepiecesintothedirtandsetthemaflame.Sheknewshecouldnothavehim,knewequallythathedidnotwanther,hewasjustparticularlygoodattakingontheroleofhusband.Butthatdidnotstopherfromfantasizingagreatdealabouthaving,andtaking,andotherrisquéverbs.
Shefannedherselfvehementlywiththetennisracket.Daniel,ontheotherhand,appearedutterlycoolinadarkgraysuit,hisspectaclesglintingwithafternoonsunlight.Notasinglecreaseblemishedthetrousersencasinghisthighs.Sixrulesbroken,Alicethoughtasshecontemplatedthosethighs.Sevenrules,assheimaginedthembetweenherswhilehepinnedhertoabed.
Fiddlesticks.Shewasapproachinghooliganismwithsuchspeedshemightaswelljustgiveupandbecomeapolitician.
“Itrustyouarenotleaningwhileonduty,MissDearlove?”Danielsaidashedrewnear.
Hisexpressionwasstone.Hisdemeanor,controlled.Andhisvoice,coldlikesomethingslidingagainstherskin—achocolate-dippedstrawberry,forexample.Alicehastilysummonedafrown.“Wherehaveyoubeen?Andwhyisyourjacketsleevetorn?”
Heshrugged.“Someoneshotacrossbowboltatmefromtheshadows.”
“Someonetriedtokillyou?Thatisgoodnews.”
“Indeed.Itproveswehavebeenacceptedintothegroup.”Hecockedhishead.“Youareinamostunseemlydisarray.”
“Ihavebeenplayingtennis.Asyouweresupposedtobealso.Andyetyoudepartedwithoutnoticeafteraerialduck-duck-goose,whichyoucanbesureIwillbementioninginthemissionreport.”
Heleanedclose,hisvoiceflutteringagainstherear.“Goahead,writemeup.”
Crash!Thepirateshadbegunbreakingcrockery.OrpossiblyAlice’snerveswerebreakinglikeanexplosionofrose-paintedporcelain.
“Youarelivingdangerously,sir,”shemanagedtosayasshetriedtopushhimaway.Oddly,however,herhandseemedtohavelostallunderstandingofforce,andwasinsteadlingeringagainsthiswaistcoatbuttons,thrillingattheirtexture.
“Livingdangerouslyisthejobdescription,”Danielsaid.Hisgazeslidwithlanguidslownessdownherform.“Whatareyouwearing?”
“Bloomers,”shesaid.
“Thereisnoneedtoswear.”
“No,bloomers.Turkishtrousers.Mrs.RotunderloanedthemtomesoIcouldplaytenniswithouttheinconvenienceoftrippingoverahemandplungingonehundredfeettomydeath.AndMissDarlingtongavemethehat,whichapparentlyprotectsagainsttheGreatPeril.Ihavenoideawhatshemeant.”
Danielconsidereditwithsomebemusement.“Perhapsit’sashieldagainstaerialweapons?”Hereachedoutandtuggeditmoreproperlyintoplace.“Ifoundabarricadedroomonthesecondfloorthatwemightbeabletoaccessviaawindow,”hesaidashestraightenedthehat’sbrim.“IalsospokewithAgentMbeforeshelefttocatchatrainfromthenearbyvillage.I’verequestednewpremises,whichshecanflybackalongwithMrs.Kew’smessage.Mightaswellkilltwobirdswithonestone.”
Alicestaredathimwide-eyed.“Whywouldyoukillbirds?Thatisdespicable,sir!Andwhereisthisstoneofwhichyouspeak?”Shelookedaroundforitwithoutsuccess;returningtohisface,shefounditperfectlyinscrutable.
“Ibegyourpardon,”hesaid.“Itwasmerelyanidiom.”
“Oh.”Shesighed.“Sorry.ThisiswhyIworkalone.Conversationisbeyondme.”
“Don’tworryonmyaccount,”hesaid,tuckingaloose,dampstrandofhairbehindherear.“GodknowsIoftenhavemyfootinmymouth.”And,asAlicedrewbreathtoanswer—“Idiomagain.”
“YoucannotbeworsethanIam,”sheinsisted.“Forexample,IoncecalledMrs.Kew‘Mrs.Cute’bymistake.”
Danieldidnotlookupfromtidyingastripoflacethathadbecomeslightlyfoldedonherbodice.“Ioncecalledacutthroatbandofsmugglers‘snugglers,’andbarelymadeitoutoftheircompanyalive.”
“Ohdear.”Alicebitherlipinanefforttorepressheramusement,butDanielonlystaredatthelacestrip.
“Itwouldbenicetofeelsafewithsomeone,”hesaidquietly.
Alice’sheartstirred.“You—”shebegan.
Toot!Toot!
Theyjolted,reachingforweapons.
“Blakeneys!”Mrs.Ogdenleanedoutofheratticwindowtowaveatthem.“They’vejustrungthebellforafternoontea!I’llraceyoutothefieldbehindthecastle!”
Herhouseswoopedawaybeforetheycouldanswer,andDanielandAlicebothshooktheirheadsinsilentcondemnation.
“Iamnotgoingtorace,”Alicesaidairily.
“NorI,”Danielagreed.
Theyglancedateachotherforhalfasecond.
Andthentheywererunningalongthebattlement—vaultingacannon—yankingopenadoor—clamberingdownatowerofstairs—avoidingservantswantingtheirautograph—pausingtocheckinsideasideboardforthehiddenweapon—racingthroughthecentralhall—skirtingatrolleyofsilverware—pointingoutacobwebtoahousemaid—leapingoverasuddencat—andarrivingatthecastle’smainrearexitwithonlythemerestaccelerationoftheirbreath.Dashingoverthethreshold,theyscannedthecollectionofwhite-clothedtablesandparasolsthathadbeensetuponthegrass—
Andstopped.
“Thereyouareatlast,Blakeneys!”Mrs.Ogdencalledfromwhereshesatatatablewithaplateoftinysandwichesandcakesinfrontofher.Sheliftedacupofteainsalute.
AliceandDanieljustlookedather.
“Iaminspiredtorecollectparagraphseveninthemissiondossier,”AlicemurmuredtoDanielashetookherbythearmandtheyproceededacrossthegrasstowardMrs.Ogden.
“?‘Makesureyouhaveagoodviewbeforeyoukill,’?”Danielrecited.
“No,thesecondsentence,”Alicesaid.“?‘Piratesalwayscheat.’?”
Danielhuffedadrylaugh.“Ididn’tneedadossiertotell—”
“Imposter!”cameasuddenshout.
Theagentsfrozeimmediately.
“WellInever!”MissDarlingtonmarchedintosightacrossthegrass,pointinghercaneatAliceinanaccusatorymanner.“Iamshocked,youngwoman.Shocked!”
AlicefeltDaniel’sfingerstightenonherarm.Butshejustsmiledinamildlyinquiringfashion.“Ma’am?”
“Youpresentedyourselftomeasaconvenientlyreasonablewoman!”MissDarlingtondeclaimedforalltohear.Andindeed,piratesbeganappearingfrominsidethecastleandaroundvariouscorners,bristlingwithfascinators,glintingwiththeswordsandgunsstrappedagainsttheirbrightdresses,lookingaltogetherlikeelegant,gilded,andextremelywell-armedvultures.
“Reasonable,”MissDarlingtonreiterated.“Andyethereyouare,inbroaddaylight,beingunreasonableindeed!Doyounotcareatallaboutthebroaddaylight,gel?Theburningsunlight?”
“Um,”Alicesaid.
MissDarlingtongesticulated.“Youarenotwearingyourhat!”
“Oh!”AliceliftedahandtoherheadanddiscoveredthehatMissDarlingtonhadloanedherwasmissing.“Ibegyourpardon,ma’am.Imusthavedroppeditalongtheway.”
“I’msureaservantwillhavepickeditup,”Danielsaid.“Wecaninquirelater.”
“Later?Later!”MissDarlingtonturnedanincredulousstareatMrs.Rotunder,whowasjustthencomingupbesideher.Theladygaveanobligingmurmurofdisapproval.
“EvenNedunderstandsthatCeciliamusthaveasupplyofthreestylishhatsforeachdayoftheweekifsheistoprotectherselffromtheGreatPeril,”MissDarlingtontoldDaniel.“Perhapsyououghttoreadabookonhusbandry,youngman.”
“Thatwouldinformmeaboutfarming,ma’am,”Danielanswered—anddidnotdieonthespotonlybecauseMissDarlington’sstarewasnotliterallyaflamingsword.
Alicehastilyintervened.“WhatexactlyistheGreatPeril?”sheasked.
Thepiratesansweredinferventaccord.“Freckles!”
MissDarlingtonbustledherawayfromDaniel,tuckingherintoachairatMrs.Ogden’stable,shelteredbyalargeparasol.Anemergencyhatwasbroughtforthandafootmanestablishednearby,hispurposebeingtostandatanyanglenecessarysoastoblocktheslightesthintofsunlightattemptingtofalluponAlice’sskin.
“There,”MissDarlingtonsaidfinallyasshesat.“Wehaveyounicelyundercoveragain.”
Alicetriedtothankherbutcouldnotsummonwords.Noonehadeverbeforecaredthatshemightfreckleinthesun.Noonehadfussedoverherinthismanner—orindeedanymanner,unless“caningwithabirchrod”constitutedfussing.Itfeltdecidedlystrange.Nothelpingmatterswasthemysteriouswateringofhereyes.Perhapsshewasdevelopingspontaneoushayfever.Frankly,shewouldnotbesurprised—she’dputnothingpastthismission.
“Pardonmeinfiltratingtheconversation,”Mrs.Rotundersaid,slidingintoachairbesideAlice,“butyoudon’twanttobeasleeperwhenitcomestotheGreatPeril,mydear.Whilenooneissuggestingyouactlikeamole,youshouldneverthelessconcealyourdelicateskinatalltimes.”
Alicecouldonlysmile,stilltoodazed(andcoldintheshadows)toreply.
TherefollowedapleasantchatoverteaandcakeaboutthelatestgunsbeingimportedfromAmerica.Aliceknewsheshouldsubtlyinterrogatetheladiesaboutwhattheymightdowiththoseguns,butcouldnotjudgehowtoentertheconversationwithoutliterallyshootingherwayin.Waitingforpauses,startingaquestiononlytofindsomeoneelsestartingtheirownmorequickly,andtryingtokeepupwithabarrageofidiomsmadehersotensethat,whenFrederickannouncedagameofcroquethadbeenprepared—“fairladies,comeandjoinmeinastirringcontestofbrainandballs…O!croquet,onceasportofkings,nowbelovedbythemostdiscerningoflawnathletes!”—shecouldhaveemployedherselfasamallet.
Thegameledtowhollyexpectedresults,i.e.,severalsmokingcratersinthefield,theentiresetofmalletsbroken,andFrederickbeingrenderedunconsciouswhenthreecroquetballsandahoopstruckhisheadatthesametimeinaremarkablecoincidencethatabsolutelyastonishedtheentirecompany.Bythetimedarknessanddinnertimebroughtahalttotheviolenceentertainment,Alicewasexhausted,butshebarelyhadtimetowash,changeherclothes,andreadapageofPrometheusBoundforsomelightcomfortbeforebeingfacedwiththearduoustrialofeatingstewdespitenotknowingexactlywhatitcontained.
Afterdinner,theladiessataroundonsofas,drinkingsherrywhileMrs.Etterlytriedtopersuadethemtobuyacollectionofniftystoragecontainersfortheirgrenadesandknuckle-dusters.Meanwhile,inanotherroomwiththemen,Danielsufferedbeingblinded(forajollygameofpinthetailonthedonkey)andbeaten(inseveralroundsofchess,whichhelostonpurposeforthesakeofthemission).Finally,Alicepleadedaheadacheandthuseffectedherescape.ShefoundDanielalreadyintheirbedroom,muttering“pawntoqueenbishopfour”furiouslyashedidone-armedpush-ups.
“Allwell?”heasked,jumpingtohisfeetandlookingaroundforhisspectacles.
“Theladiesarestilldownstairs,butIcouldnotbearanothermoment,”Aliceconfessed.
“Ifeltthesameway.”
TheexpressionofempathytookAlicebysurprise.Herheartsoftened,andshebegantothinkherselfremovedfromthevergeofcombustion—albeitstillwithinwalkingdistance.
“It’sjustallthenoise,”shesaid.“Youknow?”
“Iknow,”Danielsaid,andherheartsoftenedevenmore.Heputonhisspectacles,andhisfingerslingeredagainsthisbrow.“Thedifferentperfumes.”
“FrederickBassingthwaite’slaugh.”
“Youwin,”hesaidwryly,andAlice’sheartgrewsosoftitwasalmosteasygoing.Shefoundherselfsmilingathim.Therealizationshockedher,andshequicklystraightenedherexpressionbackintoprofessionalsobriety.
Danielsighed.“Thismissionisexhausting.MissDarlingtonhasdiagnosedmewithbothrabiesandafatalcaseoftinnitusinmyliver.Someonestolemypocketwatch.Andtherewereraisinsintheicecreamtonight.”
“Wearealsostillgettingcommentsaboutourrelationship,”Alicesaid.“Atdinner,Mrs.EtterlydeclaredherselfamazedImanagedanysleepwithahusbandlikeyou.Ithinkshewassuggestingyoumighttrytoassassinatemeinmybed.”
“Hm,”Danielansweredinsuchablandtoneitcouldhavebeenservedfordinnerinahospital.
“Perhapsweoughttochoreographsomemaritalgestures,”Alicesaid,“tostrengthenourdisguise.”
“Whatexactlydoyoumean?”Danielasked,cautionshadowinghiseyes.
“InoticedtheRotundersholdinghandsearliertoday.”
“Holdinghands.”Hemadeitsoundasifshehadaskedhimtounblockalavatory.
“Itshouldbeeasyenough.”Advancingherrighthand,shewaited,andafteramomentofreluctanceDanieltookitwithhisleft.
“Er,Ithinkthepalmsgotogether,”shesaid.“Andyoushouldprobablynotbraceyourselfinthatmanner,asifyouareabouttopullmeintoaheadlock.”
Hereleasedherhand,triedagain.
“There,”shesaid,noddinginsatisfaction.Somethingalittlewilderthansatisfactionshiveredthroughherbody,butsheignoredit.“Nowwelookentirelymarried.”
Danielconsideredtheirclaspedhandswithsomedoubt.“Theremaybemoretoitthanthis.”
“Tryholdingalittletighter.”
Heobedientlyhardenedhisgrip.“Iamnothurtingyou?”heasked,hearingherbreathcatch.
“No.”Sheinhaledmorecarefully.Hishandwaslargerthanhers,stronger.Shecouldseefaintscarsacrosshistannedskin,andtheweddingringonhisfingerthrilledherinexplicably.Deepinsidecameatugofsensation,asifhewaspullingdreamsout,oldsecretdreamsshehadlongforgotten.Withdrawingherhandcarefully,shecurleditsfingers.Danielpressedhisownhandagainsthismidriffasifitburned.
“That’sprobablysufficienthand-holdingpractice,”Alicesaidratherfaintly.“Whatelsecanwetry?”
Danielfrownedinthought.“Perhapssomemildcaressing?”
“Iamunsurewhatyoumean.Pleasedemonstrate.”
Heliftedahandtowardheragain,andAlicehadallshecoulddonottocatchit,twistitaroundhisback,andforcehimtohiskneesuntilhebeggedformercy.Butsherestrainedherprofessionalinstincts,stayingstill—atleastuntilhebrushedastraylockofhairfromhertemple.Thensheshiveredallover.
“I’msorry,”hesaid,jerkinghisfingersaway.“Nolighttouches.”
“It’sallright,Iacceptthisisnecessary,”shesaid.“Husbandly.Itdidtickle,butthisiswhypracticingisagoodidea.Icanbuildupmyendurance.Ultimately,Ishouldfeelnothingwhenyoutouchme.”
“I’mnotsurethat’showitworksbetweenahusbandandwife.Youshouldprobablyalwaysfeelsomething.”
“Areyoucertain?Thatdoesn’tsoundverycomfortable.”
“Frommyobservation,marriageseemstohavelittletodowithcomfort.Anyway,Ithinkwe’vedoneenoughfor—”
“Youneedtokissme.”
Tiltinghishead,Danielgaveheroneofhisgorgeoussmiles,tender,quizzical,alltoobrief.“Ibegyourpardon?”
Alicegesturedvaguely.“Incaseoffurtherparlorgames.”
Danielconsideredthis,thennodded.“Seemssensible.Verywell,then.”
“Wait.”Sherummagedinaskirtpocketforpenandnotebook.“Ishouldtakenotes.”
AnoddnoiseemergedfromDaniel’sthroat.“Thatisprobablynotnecessary.”
“WhatifIforgethowitwas?”
Helookedatherintently.“Ipromiseyouwillneverforgethowitwas.”
“Huh.Verywell,shallweproceed?”Claspingherhandstogetherbeforeher,shepresentedherfaceforkissing.“Andnotanotherapeckonthecheek.Somethingmarital.”
Danielgaveabrisknod.“Iamatyourservice,madam.”13theyareextremelyprofessional—hand-holdingpracticepaysoff—occupationalhealthandsafety—danielismessedup(mentallyandliterally)—echoes—alarm!
NothinginNaturestandsstill;everythingstrivesandmovesforward—withtheexceptionofDanielBixby.Alicewaited,andwaited,whilehelookeddownathersoheatedlyhernervesbegantosizzle.Washeactuallygoingtokissher?Perhapshedidnotknowhowtodoitafterallandwastryingtorecollecttheprocedure?
Shehadbeenwishingforthisfromthefirstmomentshesawhiminthedressshop,hisposturesoimpeccableshewouldhavedefiedanyonenottolustaftertheman.SincelearninghewasAgentB,she’dstruggledtoreconciletheirprofessionalrivalrywithattraction.Butsheexpectednowtosolvethatdilemma,forsurelynothingsimplifiedthingsmorethanakiss.IfonlyDanielwouldmakehaste.Sherestrainedherselffromglancingatthenearbyclock.
Finally,hebent,andAlicecaughtherbreath.
Hegentlypressedhismouthagainstherforehead.
Alicewasbewildered—didhenotknowthecorrectzoneforkissing?—andannoyed!Andoh,meltingwarmandslowallthroughherbodyuntilshefoundherselfswayinghelplesslyagainsthim.Hekissednexttheedgeofoneeye,hereyelashessweepingagainsthislips.
Noonehadmentionedthisvariationoftheactivity.Theyhadtalkedaboutmouthsandknucklesandnotdoingitunlessyouwerepreparedtogetmarried.ButnowDanielwaskissinghercheek,andnotatalllikehehadthenightbefore;thistime,itwasslower,softer,hisbreathfanningherskinandintensifyingthewarmthinsideher.Alicefeltsurethismustbehighlyinappropriateevenforthemostmarriedofcouples.
Asoundshudderedfromherunkissedmouth.Itsaidnothing,butitmeantplease.Atthispoint,shewouldhavelevitatedadozentigersandassassinatedQueenVictoriaherselfifonlyhewouldmakehaste.Please,shewishedagain.
Atlast,takingherchinbetweenthumbandforefinger,hetilteditup,loweringhismouthtohers.
Andshecombustedintoflames.
Itwasnotlikethisinbooks,shethoughtinthefleetingmomentbeforeallthoughtsburnedaway.NotevenPrimulaTewkes’spenny-dreadfulnovelshaddescribedthesenseofintimacy.Afteralifetimeofseldombeingtouched,shenowhadamantouchingherinawaythat,althoughconfinedtotheirlips,feltlikecaressesalloverherskin.Danielkissedhergently,yetwithauthority,anditwasclearheknewexactlywhathewasdoingafterall.Alicefoundherselfclutchingathimasherkneesbegantotremble.HerheartwasalreadyattenontheRichterscale.
Shehadnoideahowtokisshimback.Overcomewithsensation,shecouldnotevenevaluatehistacticsandattempttoreplicatethem.ButDanieldidnotseemdeterredbythis.Hedidnotslowtolethercatchup,norofferinstruction,norexpectanythingfromherbutsurrender.Andsosheletgocompletely,requiringhimtosetanarmacrossherbacksoastopreventhercollapsing.
Sherememberedtumblingthroughthestormtheotherday.Thiswasadizzyinglysimilarexperience,althoughwiththedefectofherskirtstillbeingon.
Graduallythekisseased,providingherwiththeopportunitytobreatheandtoanalyzetheevent.(1)Shehadnotexpectedsomuchinvolvementofthetongue.(2)Cardiacsideeffectsmaypresentsomeconcern.(3)—
Butithadnotbeenanendingafterall,onlyatraptolureherfurtherin.Suddenlyhekissedherevenmoredeeply,strokingagainstsecretssheneverknewshehad.Hepulledherclose,cuppingahandagainstthebackofherhead,wrappinghisarmmoresecurelyaroundherwaistsotheirbodieswerepressedhardtogether.Everythingbegantopulse—lips,heart,loins.Alicefeltanechoofitinhimtoo,throughherclothes,behindhisbones.
Goodheavens,nowonderpeoplemarried!
Atlast—toosoon—Danielpulledbackwithaneffort.Heseemeddazed.Hiseyesbehindtheirslightlycrookedspectaclesblinkedpastheratsomevisionthatdarkenedhisexpression.
“Perhapsthisshouldnotgointhemissionreport,”hesaid.
“Iagree,”Alicerepliedthroughthrobbinglips.Sheresistedtheurgetorubthem,forDanielwasnotrubbinghis,andshepossessednootherguidetocorrectpost-kissingbehavior.“Nonetheless,Idofeel.Um.”Whatdidshefeel?Wherehadherbraingone?Gropingincoherentlythroughheroverheatedinnerdarkness,shefounditatlastsurroundedbymetaphorsandrosepetals.Sighing,itcametoattention.“Ifeelthatmyportrayalofahappilymarriedwifewillbeimprovedfromhereon.AndImustsay,alreadyyoulookmorelikemy—um,likeahusband.So.Therewehaveit.Excellentwork.Isupposeweshouldgosearchsomerooms—?”
“Uhhuh.”
Neitherofthemmoved.
“ItwouldbehooveuscheckinwithAgentV-2also.”Hervoiceshookalittle.Danielwasstaringathermouthnowasifhewantedtolickthewordscomingoutofit.“Theremaybeanupdatefromtheservants’quarters,and—”
“Yourstancewasincorrect,”heinterruptedabruptly.
Alicefrownedinperplexment.“Mywhat?”
“Amarriedwomanwouldneverstance—um,standinthatmannerwhileshewasbeingkissed.”Hemadeavaguegesture.
“Oh.”Alicefeltablushwarmherface.“Whatmanner?”
“Er—angledtoomuchtotheleft.Yes.AndIgotthe—er,themiddlebitwrong.”
“Youdid?”
“Ithinkweneedtopracticealittlelonger,”Danielsaid.“Forthesakeofthemission.”
AthrillshotthroughAlice’sblood.“Thatisanadmirablyprofessionalattitude.”
“Diligenceiskeytobeingagoodsecretagent.”Takingherhandinhis,justliketheyhadrehearsed,hetuggedheracrosstheroominamannerthatfeltlessmaritalthansalaciouslypremarital.
“Where—?”Alicebegantoask,butbeforeshecouldfurtherthequery,theyarrivedatthebedandDanielarrangedhersoshewassittingatitsedge.Hesatbesideherand,removinghisspectacles,laidthemneatlyonthebedsidetable.
“Occupationalsafetymeasuresareimportant,”heexplained.“Bycontinuingtostand,weriskedfallingandwrenchingakneeorankle.”
“Ah,goodpoint,”Alicesaid.“Ishallwriteinmyreportthatyouwereassiduousinmaintainingthewelfareofallmissionoperatives.”
Hebrushedthewordsfromherlipswiththepadofhisthumb,andAlicegaspedassensationrampagedthroughher.Immediatelyhetookadvantage,slidingthethumbalongtheinsideofherlowerlipinanactionsoscandalousAlicewouldhavegaspedagainwerenothertongue,operatingunderitsowninstruction,busyswirlingaroundthatthumb,tryingtodrawitfartherin.Hetastedlikesaltandunsweetenedtea.Aliceswallowedasheshiftedhishandawaytocradlehercheek.
“AndnowIamgoingtokissyouuntilyouseestars,Mrs.Blakeney.”
“Forthesakeofthemission,”sheadded.
Hesmiled.“Exactly.”
“Verywellthen,Mr.Blakeney.Youmayproceed.”
Danielhadspenthisentirelifedevotedtoduty.Literally.RaisedinoneofA.U.N.T.’sfeederorphanages,hehadbeenselectedforEliteForcetrainingafterhecorrectedtheheadmistress’scaningtechniqueinthemiddleofherpunishinghim.Slowly,inexorably,thenursesandinstructorshaddrawnhimoutofhisall-consumingdesireforexactitudeuntilhelearnedtofinditagainthroughobeyingorders.Whenevertheworldseemedanimpossiblemessclatteringagainsthissenses,theytaughthimtocleanitbysweeping,folding,assassinating.Wheneverhisowninternalworldthreatenedtoexplode,theytaughthimtobecomeaprecisionbomb.
Hehadneverviewedhimselfthroughanyotherlensthanthatofsecretagentforthedownstairsgovernment.Andheexcelledathiswork.Todolesswouldchipawayathisidentity,threateninghimwithdisorder,uncertainty,fear.
Danielcouldnotabidefear.
AliceDearlovefrightenedhimmorethananythingelsehadinalltheyearsofviolence,piracy,anddirtykitchens.Justlookingatherstirredemotionsandsensationsthatwouldshatterhiscarefullywroughtcontrolifhedaredtoallowthem.Touchingherfeltlikeskimminghishandsacrossaliveelectricalwire.Evenwereshenotthemostalluringthinghe’deverencountered,he’dfallforthecharmofhersterndisapprobationandtheincrediblysexywayshetalkedaboutrules.Hecouldnotseemtochidehimselfoutofwantingher,despiteknowingitwashopeless.Helongedtoincineratehimselfagainsthernakedskin—toletthewholeuniversestormwiththeforceofherbreathonhistongue—andtositcuddledupwithheronarainynight,readingaloudfromPushkin.
Butthatwouldbeterrifying,agonizing,andinappropriateunderthecircumstances.Sohejustkissedherwithsuchcoolmastery,sheswoonedbackontothebed.
Itwentexactlyhowheintended.Hecouldhavewrittentheprocessdownonpaperandtickeditoffashewentalong.Afterall,kissingawomanwasnodifferentfromputtingaguntogether.Ifonefitthepiecesproperly,intherightorder,itresultedinaneffectivebang.Danielhaddoneenoughresearchtoknowthis—textbooks,novels,andafewladieswhohadvolunteeredaswillingsubjectsforexperimentation.Inaddition,livingwithapirateforthreeyearshadprovidedawealthofdata.Beforemarrying,CaptainO’Rileyhadbeenanotoriousrakewhosemeresmilewasworthseveralvolumesontheartofseduction.DanielappliedthemostinterestingdetailsofhisresearchdirectlytoMissDearlove’slips.
Andthenhestruckaproblem.
Hehadherrightwherehewantedher:softandwarmbeneathhim,inanappropriatedisarrayoflaceandsilk.
Andshehadhiminchaos.
Shetastedlikehungerinhismouth.Shefeltlikelonelinessagainsthisbodyastheylayonthepirates’bed,practicinghowtobepiratic.HispreciselistoftacticsbegantoburnawayasifwrittenonSnodgrass’sself-destructiveparchment.Hisheartpoundedsohard,hewastheoneseeingstars.Anditisbestnottomentionwhatwashappeninginsidehisunderwear.
Stop,hetoldhimself.
Hm,hishandreplied,slidingupunderherskirts.
Alicegasped,andDanielfoundhimselfshakenabruptlyoutofderangementbythesound.Liftinghishead,helookeddownathercarefully.Bloodyhell,butshewasbeautiful.Andalmostunbearablyvaluabletohim.Heshouldneverhavestartedthis.
Withaneffort,heforcedhishandtostillnessagainstherknee.
“Ibegyourpardon,”hesaid.
Hereyes,hazyanddark,triedwithoutmuchsuccesstofocus.“No,Iamsorry.Ittickled,thatisall.Iassume—Isuppose—touchingthelegisamaritalmaneuver?”
Heshiftedbackalittle,wary.“Youdounderstandabout,er,maritalmaneuvers,don’tyou?”
“Ofcourse.Ireadapostdoctoralthesisonthesubject.”
Thevisionofhersittinginahushedandsolemnlibrary,readingaboutsexwhileallaroundherstudentsandlibrarianssatoblivious,soarousedhimhefelltokissingheragainwithoutanotherthought.Shedrewhimin,tinywordlesssoundsemergingfromherthroattotrembleagainsttheirtongues,fingerstappingwithoutrhythmagainsthisback.Danielforgoteveryruleofproperconductashelosthimselfinthedesirethathadbeenlyinglikedustinhisheart,beggingforagoodsweepingupthispastyear.Hishandcontinuedslidingclosertothehot,darkeuphemismthatlaysosecretlybetweenherthighs.Everyfingerachedtobethefirsttoenterher.
Hisself-controlbegantoplummetonceagain.
Withagreatforceofnobility,hepulledhishandback—butimmediatelyitpropelleditselftoherbodiceinstead.Rippingwastoomessytobeindulged,buthisfingersfumbledwiththepearlbuttons,shovingthemthroughbuttonholes,reachingthroughtotugattheembroideredtrimofherchemise—
Beeeeep!Beeeeep!
Theyflungawayfromeachotherinshock.Tumblingoffthebed,Danielwasonhisfeetagaininamatterofseconds,guninhand,bloodflaringthroughhisveinsashericochetedfromsexualarousaltohomicidalarousal.ButtheonlyhazardhesawwasMissDearlovesittingrumpledonthebed,clutchingheropenbodice.Hisbreathtrembledashestaredather.Shewassoflushed,hewantedtocoolherdownbylickingherallover.Shehadlostherhairpins,andlong,finebrownhaircascadedoverhershouldersinasultrymessthatgleamedredwherethelamplightstrokedit,makingherlooklikeaportraitofsomealluringheathengoddess.(Albeitnotpainted.Noronacanvas.Norevenframed.Daniel’sgrasponmetaphorstendedtohaveallthestrengthofaslipperythingtryingtoholdanotherslipperything.)Hestruggledtorecollectthatshewasacolleague,ahighlytrainedagentofthesecretgovernment.
Andthenshestraightened,hermouthtighteningandhereyesbecomingnarrow—andmemorysnappedbackintoplace.Withitcameanimageofwhatshe’ddonetothemeninthealleywayoutsideA.U.N.T.headquarters—andalthoughDanielbrieflywonderedifhecouldconvincehertodothesametohim,hesensedshenolongerwasinanamorousmood.
Thescowlprovidedsomethingofaclue.
“Kindlystoppointingthatweaponatme,”shesaid.
Foronewild,blushingmoment,Daniellookeddownathistrousers—butthenrealizedshemeanthispistol,andsheepishlyholsteredit.“Ibegyourpardon,”hesaid.“Butwhatonearthwasthatappallingnoise?”
“Ihavetheincantation’scollisionpreventionphrasesewnintomychemise,”sheexplained.“Itisaspecialprecautionforfemaleagents,especiallythoseworkinginthehouseholdsofrichmen.Iforgotitwasthere.”
“Isee.”Heranahandthroughhishair,unsurewhethertobemoreappalledaboutthenecessityofsuchaprecautionorthefactthathisownbehaviorhadtrippedit.Snatchinghisspectaclesfromthebedsidetable,heshovedthemonandturnedtostareatthewall.
Twentywhitebouquetsdecoratedthepalebluewallpaperineachverticalrow.
Nineteenandahalfinthethirdrowfromthedoor,someonehavingmisalignedthepaper.
Daniel’sjawtwitched.Hewantedtoripthewallpaperawaytoberidofthatonesmallerror.Hewantedtoburnit,andbeattheashes,andabsolutelystopenvisioninghimselfteachingAliceDearlovehisownthesisonsex.Tighteninghishandsintofists,thenstretchingoutthefingers,hebreathed.
One,two,three.
Four,exhaling.
Behindhim,Aliceexhaledatthesamemoment.Danielwasunsurprised.Assheinhaledagain,hecouldpracticallyhearthenumbersbeingrecitedinhermind.Nodoubttheywouldsoundjustastheydidinhis,echoingthestentoriousvoiceofAcademyheadmistressMrs.Aberfinch—whichwasnotexactlysomethinghelikedhearingsosoonafterkissingawoman.HewishedhecouldtakeAliceinhisarmsoncemoreandholdher,justholdher,drawingwarmthfromherbodytodispeltheendlesschillofthatvoice.Buthedidnotdare.
“Fiddlesticks,”shemuttered.
Daniellookedsidelongatheragain.Shewasfrowningasshesearchedforherhairpinsacrossthecrumpledbedspread.
“Sorry,”hesaidongeneralprinciple
“Why?”
Heopenedhismouthtoexplainbeforerealizingdoingsowouldprobablyleadtofurtherkissinginordertoprovehispoint.“Nevermind.”
“Havewereachedtheconclusionofourpractice?”
“Yes.No.”Heshookhishead.“Yes,butno,I—”
“Yes?”shepromptedwhenhefellabruptlysilent.
No,hethought,Iwanttokeepgoing.Iwanttokissmorethanyourmouth.Iwanttofitmyselfagainstyourlovely,flawlessbeinguntilallthefracturesandjaggedplacesintheworldareeased.AndIwanttoholdyou,breatheyou,aswemovetogetherintoamomentoftranscendentperfection.
“Nothing,”hesaid.“It’sbeenalongday.IdobelieveIwillretire.”Andgivingherapleasantlyblandsmile,heturnedaway,therebymissingthewishfulexpressioninhereyesashewenttohideinthewashroomandrecoverhisgoodsensespiecebypiece.14despiteathesaurus,aliceisrenderedwordless—thenakedtruth—thebechdeltestisfailed—spycentral—justdesserts—knockonwood—lectiointerruptus
Itisbettertohavekissedandbeeninterruptedthannevertohavekissedatall.ThisAliceremindedherselfassherebuttonedherbodice.Evenso,herheartdroopedmiserably,despitethecarefullynonchalantdisguiseuponherface.Withasigh,shereachedfortheemergencythesaurusshekeptinaskirtpocket,seekingcomfort.Aquick,expertflickthroughthepagesbroughthertoanaltogetherfamiliarlistofwords.
Chaste,celibate,pure,virtuous..
Aknockonthedoorsavedherfromfurthersighing.ShereturnedthethesaurustoherpocketandwasproceedingtowardthedoorwhenDanielemergedfromthewashroom.
“Wasthatsomeoneknocking?”heasked
Alicestoppedmid-steptostareathim.Hewasdressedonlyintrousersandshoes,hisbraceshangingloose,asheappliedatoweltohisnakedtorso.ThiswasnotthefirsttimeAlicehadbeenmadeprivytowhatexistedbeneathaman’sshirt;afterall,she’dbeenraisedinacoeducationalfacilityandhadworkedundercoverasachambermaid.ButDaniel’storsowasnotlikealltheothertorsos.Itwasspecial.Ithadclearlybeenhonedintoamodelofefficiencyratherthanbrawn:notoneinchwassuperfluoustoitspurposeofneutralizingwhateverA.U.N.T.deemedathreat.Interestingridgesofmusclebandeditstannedsurface.Anevenmoreinterestingpatchoffinedarkhairdustedbetweenthepectoralmuscles.Andaverticallineofhairbelowthenavel,descendingintohistrousers,wassoextremelyinteresting,Alice’sbrainhadtogohaveaweelie-down.
“Uughhngh,”washerresponsetohisbarelyrecollectedquestion.
Hegaveherabemusedlook.Shedidnotseeit,however,becauseshehadfixatedonhisforearmsandwasbusytryingtoconsultherinternalthesaurusforjusttherightadjective…onlythepageskeptcatchingalight…
“ShallIanswerit,then?”hesaid,andAlicedimlyrealizedthattheknockhadsoundedagain.
“Um-hm,”shemanagedtosay.
Hisexpressiondeepenedfrombemusementtoconcern,buthecrossedtheroomandopenedthedoor.Veronicastoodinthecorridor.
“Yes,whatisit?”Danielaskedinabrusquevoice.
Thejunioragentstaredathim.“Unghghn,”shesaid.
Withawearysigh,Danielranahandoverhisbrow.Attherevelationofahairyarmpit,Veronicadroppedherduster.Steppingaside,Danielmadewayfortheyoungwomantoentertheroom.AshisbackpresenteditselfforAlice’sview,shedroppedherowninternal,metaphoricalduster.
Therewasthetattoothathadbeenhintedatabovehiscollar:abarbedrosevinewindinguphisspine,beautiful,elegant,vicious.ThathehadthesymbolofA.U.N.T.etchedintohisskintroubledAlice,althoughshecouldnotquitegraspwhy.Aroseagainsthisbreastwouldhavebeenonething(shepausedtoimagineit);atangledvinewithmorethornsthanroses,superimposedonhisbackbone,suggestedadeeper,harshermeaningthanshedaredtocontemplate.
“Whatdoyouwant?”hesaid.
Alicedrewbreathtoaskifshecouldtouchthetattoo,butthenVeronicaspoke,alertinghertothefactthatDaniel’squestionhadbeenaddressedtothejunioragent,nother.Whichwasjustaswell.Furtherpracticeofmaritaltouchingmightbehoovethemission,butactuallyparticipatinginthemissionwouldnodoubtbehooveitevenmore.
“Youmustcomeatonce,sir!”Veronicaurged.“Thereisacalamityinthekitchen.”
“Whatkindofcalamity?”Danielasked,foldinghistowelserenely.“Hassomeonebeenmurdered?”
“No,sir,”Veronicasaid.
“HasMrs.Etterly’stigergotfreeandgoneonarampage?”Aliceasked.
Veronicafrowned.“No,ma’am.”
“Has—”
“Thecakefortomorrow’smorningteahasbeenruined!”
Daniellookedatheruntilsheflinched.“Please,sir.Justcomeandsee.”
“Fine.”
AsDanielreturnedtothewashroomtodressagain,AliceandVeronicasharedaspeakingglance.“Ohmygiddyaunt,”Veronicawhispered.
“YourgiddyA.U.N.T.?”Alicewhisperedback,confused.
Veronica’seyebrowsgaveasuggestivedance.“I’llbetthatmanhasagoldengun,ifyouknowwhatImean.”
“No,it’smetal,with—”
“Andballsofsteel.”
Alicefeltlikeshehadfallenentirelyofftherollercoasterofthisconversation.“Doyourefertosomevariationofcricket?”
Veronicafannedherselfwithherapron.“IwonderifhewouldshootmeifIasked?”
Alicestaredwithconcernatthegirl.Shewasramblingincoherentlyandexpressingsuicidalideation;clearly,A.U.N.T.hadoverworkedher!
Atthatmoment,Danielreturnedtotheroom—alas,coveredonceagainbyashirt.Hewas,however,affixingthelinkofonecuffashewalked,andatthesight,VeronicaandAlicebothgaveraptsighs.
Daniellookedupwithimpatientconfusion.“Areyouquitewell?”
“Justdreamy,sir,”Veronicasaid,hereyesunfocusedasifshewaslookingrightthroughthewhitelinenofhisshirt.
“Hm.Kindlywakeup,AgentV-2,andtakeustothiscalamity.”
Theylefttheroom.“Besides,”AlicemurmuredtoVeronicaastheywaitedforDanieltolockthedoor,“goldistoosoftforagun.Itwouldexplodeinyourhandassoonasyoupumpedthetrigger.”
Themaidchokedonalaugh.“Ididn’tknowyouhadaribaldsenseofhumor,AgentA.”
BeforeAlicecouldexplainthatshemostcertainlydidnot,Danielglancedirritablyatthewomen,andtheyfellintoaprudentsilence.
Veronicaledthemalongthecorridoranddownthenarrowservicestairs.Enteringthekitchen,theyfoundhalfadozenservantsatworkamongstthebenches,sinks,andworktables.Everyonewatchedfurtively,whisperingamongstthemselves,whileAliceandDanielcrossedtheroom.
“There,”Veronicawhispered,pointingtoacrumb-coveredsideboardasifitwereaghastlymurderscene.
Anelderlybutlerinanimpeccableblacksuitturnedtoskewerthemwithacasuallydespoticlookastheyapproached.“What?”hedemanded,hisgazeflickingoverDaniel’slackofjacketandAlice’sunboundhair.“Ifyou’rethemusicians,you’relate.”
“No,sir,”Danielreplied.“We’reonamissionfromA.U.N.T.”
“Mr.Cranshaw,thisisAgentA!”Veronicasaidexcitedly.“AndAgentB!Canyoubelieveit?!”
Cranshawfrowned.“Keepyourvoicedown,girl!NoteveryoneinthisroomisanA.U.N.T.operative.AnnieovertherewashingthepotsisaspyfortheWickenLeagueofwitches.ThesouschefisaspyforMr.Bassingthwaite’suncle.Daisythescullerygirlisaspyfortherealestateinstitute.AndJenthedairymaidisaninnocentdairymaid.”
“Sorry,sir,”Veronicasaid,abashed.
“Andsomeoneistheenemyofusall,”Cranshawadded,turninghisfrowntothesideboard.
“Whathappened?”Aliceasked,steppingclosertoinspectthemessofcakecrumbs.Itlayinanalmostexactrectangularshape,litteredthroughwithraisins,cherries,andthosegummyyellowblobsyoufindtoolateinamouthfulandareforcedtoswallow.Arichodorofbrandywaftedup.Fruitcake,shethought,wrinklinghernose.
Toheramazement,thecakehadbeenentirelyflattened.WhileAlicecouldnotregretitslossfromtomorrow’smorningteatable,shewascuriousabouthowthismighthaveoccurred.AsanEnglishwoman,shehadbeensubjectedtotraditionalfruitcakeeveryChristmas,andthereforeknewthenearimpossibilityofdigestingit,letalonecrushingitasawhole.Furthermore,thecakehadbeenlarge,andyettheeffectonitentirelyuniform.Shelookedaboutforanobjectsomeonemighthavedroppedonit,butsawnothingexceptafewcrumbsthathadmadeitallthewaytotheceiling,andalargecakeknifelyingonthefloor.
“Whathappenedisthatwewereruthlesslyattacked!”Cranshawdeclared,stabbingafingeratthecrumbs.
FromthecornerofhereyeAlicesawabrief,wearyflickeracrossDaniel’sotherwiseinscrutableexpression.“Perhapssomeonedislikesfruitcake,”hesuggested.
Thebutlerscoffedwithallthederisionofamantowhomadigestivesystemisbutafondmemory.“Todislikefruitcakeisunpatriotic.Besides,thiswasmorethancake;itwasaworkofart.Aperfectlyto-scalereplicaofStarkthornCastle.Youhavenoideatheamountofeffortthatgoesintosuchthings.Ispentanentireweeksupervisingitbeingmade.Thisbrutalviolencerepresentsaseriousthreat!QueenVictoria’slifeisnottheonlyoneinperil.”
“Hm,”Danielsaid.Crouching,hewithdrewahandkerchieffromhistrouserpocketandusedittopickupthecakeknife.Veronicawatchedhimavidly.
“Areyouusingthehandkerchiefsoastonottransferyourfingerprintstotheknife?”sheasked.
“Iamdoingitbecausethereisbloodonthehandle,”hetoldher,“andIdonotwishtosoilmyfingers.”
“Blood!”Cranshawsaidwithdismay.
“Blood!”Veronicasaidwithdelight.
“Orperhapsonlycherryjuice,”Alicecountered.“Agoodagentdoesnotjumptoconclusions.”Touchingafingertiptotheknife,thentohertongue,shegrimaced.“Blood.Ugh.Ugh.”Sherubbedtheheelofherhandagainsthertongue.“Cansomeonegetmeaglassofwater?Ugh!”
AsVeronicarushedtodoso,DanielpassedtheknifetoCranshaw,handkerchiefandall.Thebutlertookitgingerly.
“Doyouhaveanysuggestionsastosuspects?”Danielasked.
Cranshawexhaledalaughthroughhisnostrils.“Boy,weareinakitchensurroundedbydoubleagents,inacastlefilledwithpirates.Everyoneisalikelysuspect.”
“Hm,”Danielsaid.Asaprofessionalcourtesy,hedidnotassassinatethebutlerforcallinghim“boy.”
“Itseemsunlikelyapersoncoulddestroyacakeofthissize,tothisdegree,withoutbeingobserved,”Alicepointedout.
“Wewerealldistracted,”Cranshawexplained,“watchingthefireworks.”
AliceandDanielblinked.“Fireworks?”Danielasked.
“Yes,therewasjustnowafireworksshowoutside.”Hepaused,buttheagents’expressionsremainedvacant.“Lotsofflashinglightandnoise?Peoplecheering?Youmusthavenoticed!”
AliceandDanielcarefullydidnotlookateachother.“Wewerebusy,”Danielmurmured.
Cranshaw’seyebrowsroseinsilenteloquenceasheturnedawaytobrushatafewraisins.Veronicareturnedwithaglassofwater,andwhileAlicegargled,Danielsurveyedthekitchenanditsoccupants.
“Nothingelsewasdamaged?Noactual—Imeannoothersuspiciousincidents?”
“None.”
“Verywell.Informusifyouhaveanyfurtherconcerns.”
“Isthatall?”Cranshawpracticallyvibratedwithoutrage.“Someoneintendsharm!”
“Trustus,sir.Wewillfindtheculprit.”
“Solongassheisn’tstandinginfrontofafireworksdisplay,”thebutlermutteredfacetiously,butAliceandDanielhadalreadymovedaway.Veronicafollowedthembackacrossthekitchen.
“Whatdoyouthink?”sheasked,hervoiceskippinglikealittlegirl.
“Ithinkwejustwastedourtime,”Alicesaid.
“Oh.”NowVeronica’svoicebecameateenagerinablack-walledbedroomlisteningtoLeonardCohenontherecordplayer.“Mr.Cranshawseemedsoconvinced.”
Danielgaveherakindsmile.“Perhaps,butwearetheexperts.Goodnight,V-2.”
Theyturnedtothestairs.
“Hi-yah!”
Amandressedinblackleapedwildlyfromtheshadows,handsraisedlikeweapons.Veronicayelpedinshock.Danieltookaquietstepback,exasperationlininghisbrow.AndAlice,beingnearest,caughtholdoftheassailant,twistinghisarmtorestrainhim.
“Whoareyou?”shedemanded.
“Ow!”hesquealed.“I’mHakimEvans,underfootmanandjuniorA.U.N.T.agent.Ow,you’rehurtingme!”
“Evans,areyoumad?”Veronicawhispered,jerkingherheadtowardwherethekitchenstaffwerewatchinginfascination.
Danielcrossedhisarmsandlookedovertherimofhisspectacleswiththeterrifyingauthorityofahigh-rankingagentandexperiencedbutler.“Yes,pleasedodiscloseyourmentalstatus,”hesaidasEvanscowered.“Orgivesomeotherreasonwhyyouattackedaseniorofficer.”
“MiaThalassisaidyouputherinachokehold,”Evansexplainedtremulously.“She’sprettymuchfamousnowbecauseofit.I—Ihopedyou’ddothesamewithme.”
Alicereleasedhimwithadisgustedexhalation.Danielmutteredsomethingabouttwits.Theyturnedaway,headingupthestairs.
“Maybejustapunchtothejaw?”Evanscalledafterthem.“Orabruisedrib?”
Danielsaidnothing,merelypausedbetweenonestairtreadandthenext.
Thetwoyoungeragentsfled.
“Juniorsthesedayscertainlyareexcitable,”Alicesaidastheycontinuedupthestairs.
“Iimagineyouareusedtoit,”Danielsaid.“BeingA.U.N.T.’ssecondbestagentandsobeau—Um,Isupposeyouareoftensurroundedbyadmirers.”
“Firstbest,”sheansweredautomatically.ButinfactshedoubtedanyonebeyondMrs.KewandtheAcademyassessorshadregardedherlongenoughtoformanopinionofher,letaloneanadmiration.Someundecipherableemotiontrembledwithinheratthethought,andsherepresseditwithbrutaltranquility.“However,Iamamasterofdisguise,so—”
Thwack!
Bothagentsdrewtheirgunsatthesuddensharpsoundfromthecorridorabove.Theyhurriedupthestairs.Atthetop,Danielplacedacautioningfingeronhislipsbeforesteppingintothelightofthecorridor.
“Watchout!”
Heducked.AcrossbowboltflewoverhimandburieditselfdeepinaframedportraitofQueenVictoriahangingattheendofthecorridor.
Thwack!
“Bull’s-eye!”someoneshouted.
Aliceturned,raisingherguninadouble-handedgrip—
Andlowereditagainasshesawagroupofpirateladiesfartheralongthecorridor.
Attheirforefront,Mrs.Etterlycasuallyproppedapink,bejeweledcrossbowagainstherhip.“Goodheavens!Whatareyoutwodoingontheservants’stairs?”sheasked,andturnedwide-eyedtotheotherpirates.Theymurmuredthatthiswasindeedutterly,utterlydéclassébehavior.
“Wejustwentdownforalate-nightsnack,”Alicesaid.
“Didyourobthekitchen?”MillietheMonsterasked,eyeingtheirguns.
“No,ofcoursenot.”
“Huh.”Thepiratesexchangedmeaningfulglancesagain;apparentlythishadbeenthewronganswer.Mrs.Etterlyloadedanotherboltintohercrossbow.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Aliceaskedwarily.Shenoticedseveralboltsimpaledinthecorridorwallsatrandom.
Milliegrinned.“Testingforsecrethidingpl—”
“Sh!”Mrs.Etterlyhissed.Shesmiledattheagents.“Testingfordryrot.Oldcastlelikethis,terribleproblem.Wouldyouliketohelp?”
“No,thankyou,”Danielsaid.“It’sbeenalongday.Iamquitestiff.Coming,Mrs.Blakeney?”Asthepiratesinexplicablylaughed,hegraspedAlice’swristandtuggedheralongthecorridor.Thecrossbowseemedtoveerintheirdirection,butthatmayjusthavebeenatrickofthelamplight.Theyedgedpastthegroupandmanagednottooutrightruntowardtheirbedroom.
“Haveagoodnight,Mrs.Blakeney!”someonecalledout.
“Thankyou,”Alicesaidwithoutdaringtolookback.“Youtoo.”
Thepirateslaughedagain.Thwack!wentaboltintothewallbehindthem.
Lockingthebedroomdoor,theagentslookedatitforamoment,thenDanielsilentlywedgedachairbeneathitshandle.Alicepushedoneoftheirbook-filledsuitcasesoverandDanielhauledtheotherontop.Standingback,theyregardedthebarricadewearily.
“Weprobablyshouldcontinuesearchingfortheweapon,”Danielsaidwithreluctance.“Wecouldtrythelibrary—”
“Nopoint,”Alicetoldhim.“Accordingtomyliterarysources,atnightduringahousepartythelibraryisalwaysoccupiedbytrystinglovers.”
Heglancedathersidelong,andAliceshrugged.“What?”shesaiddefensively.“Iliketobefamiliarwithabreadthofliterature.”
“I—”
“Itismisogynisticofyoutotakethatattitudetowardromanticnovels,Mr.Bixby.”
“I—”
“Theyarerichwithpsychologicalandsociopoliticalthemespertinentto—”
“Iwasmerelygoingtosaythatyou’reright.Let’sjustgotobed,andpreserveourenergyfortomorrow.”
“Youmeanthesofa,”Alicesaid.
Danielfrownedalittle.“Mrs.Rotunderseemedtofinditoddthatwewereonthefloorthismorning.Perhapsmarriedcouplesnever—er,lietogetheranywherebutabed.”
“Thatisaconcern,”Aliceconceded.
“Asprofessionalpeople,Ibelievewecanmanagesharingonebed.”
Aliceconsideredjusthowprofessionaltheyhadbeenhalfanhourbeforeonthatbed,andstartedblushing.Butthemissionwasall,sosherelented.AllowingDanielfirstuseofthewashroom,shethentookherturn,andwhensheemerged,dressedinanightgownandrobe,hewasalreadyinbed,proppedupagainstthepillowsandreadingabook.Hisspectacleswereoffandonceagainheworehissleevelessvest.Grittingherteethandgirdingherloins,Aliceclimbedinbesidehim.
Hedidnotlookupfromhisbookasshearrangedherselfrigidlyagainstthepillows.
Hedidnotglanceherwayasshepulledthequiltuphighandsmoothedit.
Nordidheevenblinkassheuntiedherrobeandattemptedtowrangleitoffbeneaththequilt,intheprocesssmackinghisbookwithherelbow,almostknockingapillowtothefloor,beforeatlastliberatingherselffromthewretchedthing.SheattemptedtofolditbutendedupinawrestlingmatchwiththesilkymaterialuntilfinallyDanielsetdownhisnovel,tooktherobefromher,andfoldeditintoaprecisesquarewithwhatappearedtobeonlythreemoves.Heplaceditattheendofthebedandwentbacktoreading.
Alicesatforamomentconsideringwhetherornottoshoothim.Thenshetookherownbook,Shakespeare’sAll’sWellThatEndsWell,fromthebedsidecabinet.
There,shethoughtassheopenedthebookandfeltthefamiliarcalmoftypesetwordsseepthroughher.Wearejusttwopeoplesittingonanitemoffurniture,reading.Itisperfectlyfine.
Danielshiftedslightly.HisscentoffreshsoapwaftedaboutAlice.Shefrowneddeterminedlyatherbook.
“Manisenemytovirginity.Howmaywebarricadoitagainsthim?”
Herfrowndeepened.Justthen,Danielturnedthepageinhisownbook.Aliceglancedathimforthemerestsecond.Hisrighthandcradledthebook.Hislefthand,withitsweddingband,liftedtoscratchhisjaw,whereapromiseofbeardshadowedthefirmcurve.Aliceswallowedhard.
“Issomethingwrong?”heasked,andsherealizedherbriefglancehadbecomealong,intensestare.
“No,no,notat—no,nothing,”shesaidandreturnedtoherreading.
“Thereisnone.Mansettingdownbeforeyouwillundermineyouandblowyouup.”
Aliceslammedthebookshutsoforcefully,Danieljolted.
“Thosewomeninthecorridorweremockingus,”shesaid.Itwasthefirstthingthathadcometomindbutwouldsufficeasreasonableconversation.
“Mockeryispartofapirate’sjobdefinition,”Danielanswered.Heturnedthepageinhisbook.
“Ifeartheystilldon’tbelieveushappilymarried.”
“Well,weare.Professionallyspeaking,Imean.”Heturnedanotherpage.
“Ourpracticemusthavebeeninadequate.”
“Itwasperfectlyadequate.”Heturnedthepagewithmorevimthistime.
“Youaregoingthroughthatbookremarkablyfast.”
Hishandpausedintheprocessofreachingforthenextpagecorner.“I’vereaditbefore.Iamaspeedreader.Itisonlyboringdescriptionofsunset.Idon’tseewhyyouareinterrogatingmeinsuchamanner.”Hesmackedthepagebackagainsttheprecedingone.
“Whatbookisit?”
Heheldupthecoverforhertosee.MadameBovary.Alice’sheartflippedanddidanosediveintoherstomach.“DidyoureadinbedwithPrincessLouise?”sheaskedbeforesheevenrealizedwhatshewassaying.
Thequestionstartledher,butapparentlystartledDanielevenmore:hetorethepagehewasintheprocessofturning.Alicegasped.Danielstaredbleaklyintothemiddledistanceforamoment,hisjawtwitchingasifhehadjustkilledaman.Thenheclosedthebookandturnedtolookatherwitheyesthathadbecomesodarkshecouldseeherselfreflectedinthem.
“Thatisarumor.”
Alicewaited,buthedidnotfurtherexplainthatitwasabaselessrumor.Asthesilencelengthened,growingheavywithovertones,undertones,andimplications,theairbetweenthemblushed,madeupanexcuse,anddepartedtheroominawkwardhaste.
“You’reright,”Danielsaidatlast.“Weoughttofurtherourmaritalpractice,duetosafetyconcerns.”
“Uhhuh,”Aliceanswered—whichrepresentedahighdegreeofeloquenceconsideringthestormofbloodthunderingthroughher.“Perhapsafewmorekissingexerciseswouldbewise,”shemanagedtosay.
“Notkissing,”Danielsaid.“Liedown.”
Alicefrownedinsuspicion.“Why?”
“Liedown,AgentA.”
Thecoolauthorityinhisvoicestrangelydelightedher.Shewriggledlower,clutchingthequiltagainstherwithonehandwhiletryingtokeephernightgownfromrisingupwiththeother.Staringattheceiling—goodness,theyoughttobringinalongmopandgiveitathoroughwash—shewaited,hopingshedidnotdriftasleepbeforeDanielbegandoingwhateveritwasheintended.Ithadbeensuchalongday…
Thenhishandslippedunderthequilttoherthigh,andshewasabruptlywideawakeindeed.15chemistrymovesontophysics—breakingtherules(andpossiblythewrists)—interestingsynonyms—alicetakesastance
Tosquirmornottosquirm,thatisthequestionAliceposedherselfasshelaygazingattheceilingwhileDanielpressedhishandagainstherthigh.Althoughtheweightwascomfortable,itswarmthignitednerveseventhroughhernightgownanddrawers,makingherrestless.Shewantedhimtomovethathand—butinwhichdirection,shecouldnotdecide.
“Thereisanadvancedexercisewhichmayhelpusgetmoreintocharacter,”heexplained.“Shallweattemptit?”
“Byallmeans,”Aliceagreed.“Iamalwaysinfavorofprofessionaldevelopment.”
“Areyousure?ItwillgoagainstRegulation32.AndpossiblyRegulation17also.”
Alicefrownedinbemusement.“?‘Noforwardreconnaissanceintoclosed-offspaceswithoutfirstadvisingheadquartersofyourintentions’?”
“Hm.”
“Well,Mr.Bixby,regulationsexistforagoodreasonandoughttoberespected.Nevertheless,theseareexceptionalcircumstances.Iauthorizeyoutoproceedatwill.”
Shefeltproudofthesewords.SheadmiredtheirstraightforwardvigorinmuchthesamemannershemightadmireajollygoodMarmitesandwich.Notonesingletrembleorhigh-pitchedvowelexistedanywhereamongstthem.
Herheart,however,representednothingmorethanjamdollopedhaphazardlyatopacrumpet.IfDanieleverrealizedhowsmittenshewaswithhim—howdeeplyvulnerableshereallyfelt—he’dbeappalled.
“Verywell,”hesaid,andkissedher.
Itwasatenderkiss,softeningherlips,soothinghernerves.Shereturneditinthewaysherememberedfromtheirearlierpracticeuntilslowly,delightfully,theorydissolved,leavingonlypleasure.Reachingup,shestrokedfingersthroughhishairanddownalongthestrongcurveofhisjaw.Shehadnevertouchedanotherpersonlikethis,neverknownitwaspossibletofeeltinglingenjoymentratherthandiscomfortindoingso.Justassoonashestoppedkissingher(hopefullymanylongminutesfromnow),shewouldassurehimthathisadvancedexercisewasagreatsuccess.
Andthenhebegantolifthernightgown
Goodheavens,shewasabouttobeutterlyexposed!Thiswashooliganismatitsmostoutrageous!AgentBwouldseeherdrawers!
Danielpaused,somehowdiviningheralarmfromthewideningofhereyes,orthecessationofherbreath,orthewayshewasholdinghiswristsinawhite-knuckledgrip.
“I’msorry,”hesaid.
Aliceblinked.Releasinghiswrists,sheexhaledslowly.“It’sfine.Amerereflexonmypart.Kindlymoveonwithallpromptitude.”
“Areyousu—”
“IcancompletetheA.U.N.T.levelthreeobstaclecourse;Icandothis.”
Hepaused,shiftingbackwithaconcernedlook—
“Ifyoustop,”Alicetoldhim,“Iwillwriteyouupforderelictionofduty.”
“Yes,Mrs.Blakeney.”Heregardedherwithathoughtfulexpression,tryingtodecidethedegreeofhervulnerabilityorthechancesofhermurderinghim.“PerhapsIshouldjustgetstraighttothepoint?”
“Yes.Idislikefiddlingaboutunnecessarily.Inmostventures,briskpenetrationofdetailsandastraightforwardthrusttothecoreofthematteristhebesttactic.”
Danielmadeasmall,oddsound.Alicewonderedifhehaddevelopedsomesuddenmaladyofthethroat,buthepulledhimselftogetherandreturnedhergazeimplacably.Shefeltasuddenthrill.NoteventheAcademyinstructorshadlookedatherwithsuchunwaveringdominance.Thiswasamanwhoknewexactlywhathewasdoingandwhofeltnotoneshredoffearaboutwhatshemightdointurn.Itmadeherfeelsafeinawaysheneverhadbefore.
Somewhereinthebrightlylit,well-polishedlobbyofhermind,Memorytappedthemissiondossierpointedly.ButAlicewasmovingthroughlow,darktunnelsofinstinctanddesire,andifanyonehadaskedheraboutthedossier,shewouldn’tknowit.
“Spreadyourlegs,”Danielordered.
Theinstructionwassimpleenough—andyetsomehowakintoapassagefromLesLiaisonsDangereuses.Swallowingdryly,Alicedidasshewastold.Danielmovedhishandbeneathhernightgownandthroughthesilk-hemmedcenteropeningofherdrawers,placingitfirmlyuponthewarm,dampplaceitfoundthere.Suchajoltwentthroughher,MemoryflungthemissiondossierasideandrantohideunderastackofBibleverses.
“Trytorelax,”Danielsaid.
“Iamrelaxed,”Alicerepliedinavoicesotautthefinalsyllablecrackedunderitsstrain.Afterall,whatcouldbemorerestfulthanlyinginahousefulofmaniacpirateswhileamantowhomonewasridiculouslyattractedinsertedhishandintoone’sdrawers?
“Hm,”Danielmurmureddoubtfully.Andthenhestrokedafinger…
Andstopped,consequenttohavingbeenshovedontohisbackwhileAlicekneltastridehim,twoofherownfingerspressedsharplyagainsthiswindpipe.
“Um,”hesaid.
Shemovedherhandback.“Ohdear.Anotherreflex.Lighttouches,youknow?Myapologies,Mr.B-Blakeney.”
“No,theapologyismine,”heansweredsomewhatbreathlessly.“Ipropose—er,Imean,Isuggestwepostponethisexerciseuntilanothernight.”
Alicefrowned.Postponementwasthelastthingshewanted.ShehadnotreachedthepinnacleofA.U.N.T.’sranksbypostponingdifficulttasksorshirkingherprofessionalresponsibilities.AndplainlyherresponsibilitytoA.U.N.T.,theQueen—nay,allofhumankind—wastohaveDanielBixbycontinuefondlingher.Preferablywithoutherkillinghiminresponse.
“I’msorry,Imustinsistonbeggingyourpardon,”shesaid.“Itseemsdutyacquaintsamanwithstrangebedfellows.”
“Youarenotstrange,merelysensitive,likethemostfinelyconstructedpistol.”
Hesmiledupather,andAlicebecameawarethathiscenterofmaritalactivitywasaligneddirectlybelowhers,withonlyafewinchesofhot,emptyspaceprovidingabulwarkagainstdepravity.Getofftheman,shetoldherselfsternly.
Makeme,herbodyanswered.
“Wemusthavedoneenoughnowtopassasmarried,”shesaid,althoughitwaslessastatementthanatentativereconnaissance.Secretquestionmarkslurkedbehindeveryword.
“Hm,”Danielsaid.Andtakingholdofherhipsinafirmgrip,heloweredhersothattheirbodiesmet.
Alicegasped.Theopencrotchofherdrawersleftherexposedtosomethingforwhichdepravityseemedfartoomildaword.Sinfulwouldbemoreappropriate.Orbetteryet,throbbing
Danielguidedherafewinchesforwardandthenback,draggingheragainstthehardridgelineofhim.Thetextureofhislinenunderwearscrapedherbareflesh.Thesensationwasevenmoreelectrifyingthanifshehaddrunkteawithseveraltablespoonsofsugar.Suddenlysheapprehendedthevastfieldofexperienceshehadyettocross—andhowmanylandminesitcontained.
Keepgoing,herheartpleaded.
Tap-tap,herfingersrepliedagainsttheair.
Seeingthis,Danielfrownedwithconcern.Hestoppedtheiractivityatonce,andAlicefeltherselfbeingliftedawayfromhim.
Frustrationrushedhersenses.She’dalwaysfoundphysicalcontactdifficult,andinresponse,othershadinvariablysteppedback,walkedaway,leavingheruntouchedratherthanhelpinghertofindamannerinwhichtoexperienceitsafely.DanielBixbyhadpromisedtobedifferent.Andnowherehewas,beingconsiderate,takinggentlecare
Well,shewouldjusthavetoshowhimwhatsheneeded.
Shegraspedhishandsand,inoneswift,firmmotion,removedthemfromherhipstopintheminsteadtothemattressoneithersideofhishead.Glaringdownathimfromwithincurtainsoftumbledhair,shesawhiseyesflashbright,andherownrespondedinkind,asifacurrentofelectricityranbetweenthem.Hegaveherasmilesothoroughlywicked,hemightaswellhavegonethroughherbookcollectionanddog-earedallitspages.
Alicethrilled.Shehadhimrestrainedbutknewthatatanymomenthecouldovercomeherwithouteventakingabreath.Shepausedtoimagineit,andthepulseinherwristsandbetweenherlegsgrewmorefierce.Loweringherselfagain,sherestartedtheslow,rockingmotion.
WhereDanielhadbeenhardbefore,henowfeltlikegraniteagainsthersoftness.Tinysparksofpleasurebegantoshootthroughhernerves.Panicbegantorouseitselfwithinherattheoverwhelmingstimulation—but,asifhesensedit,Danielcurledhisfingerstightlyaroundhers.Heheldherprotectedevenwithherkneelingoverhim—kepthersafeasshetookwhatshewantedfromhisbody.Alicetuggedalittle,testingifshecouldescape,buthewouldnotrelent.Hehadher.
Sheexhaledwithrelief.
Sparksturnedintoflares,andflareskindledfires.SuddenlyDanielliftedhiships,introducinganewangleasherubbedagainsther,andthefiresoareduntilitwasaragingconflagrationthatscaldedherbreathandthreatenedtoturnherself-controltocinders.Alicesoughtinvainforthecooling,calmingmodulationofoldpoetry…
Andthewholealphabetexplodedthroughherbody.
Atthesamemoment,Daniel’sbodyshudderedbeneathher.Alicewondereddimlyifhefeltthesameecstasy,butcouldnotask,allherlanguagelostandmostofherbreathalongwithit.
“HolyMotherofGod,”hegasped.
Seeinghisstunnedexpression,Alicefeltsuddenly,oddlyshy.Shewouldhavemovedaway,butaheavylassitudecameoverher,obliginghertoremainwhereshewas,herfingersdampinDaniel’sgrip,otherpartsofherbodydampalso,asifshe’dbeenafireindeed,andnowwasdoused.Shedidnotknowwhattodonext.Hergazeslippedawayintoa
“Doesthatansweryourquestion?”heasked.
“Yes,itwasmostinformative,”shereplied.“Iamnowalittleconcernedaboutmyheartrate,however.”
Helaughed.Theireyesmetaccidentally,andintensitytightenedthespacebetweenthem,asifeachwastheother’smoon,subjecttoaprivategravity.Theylookedawayagain,fast.AliceclimbedoffDaniel,herlegstremblingalmostasmuchasherpulse.A.U.N.T.regulationsbeganfiringrapidlythroughherbrain.Damn,damn,damn,ricochetedinconsequence.Ishouldnothavedonethat.Kissingwasonething,butshe’djustcrossedalinethatfeltverydangerousindeed.
Aspanicbegantoswell,sheshuteverythingdownwithwell-trainedruthlessness.Physicalpleasure—gone.Desire—gone.Arobustconnectiontohersenseofself—justgone,sothatshefeltlikeanobserverofAlice,ratherthanthewomanherself.Shestackedpillowsbeforethewrought-ironheadboard,thenarrangedherselfinastiff,uprightposeagainstthem,kneesdrawntoherchestandnightgownhemtuckedfirmlybeneathhertoes.Yankingthequiltuntilitcoveredherknees,sheswattedbrisklyatafewwrinkles.
“Goodnight,then,Mr.Blakeney,”shesaid,andclosedhereyes.
Amoment’ssilencewasfollowedbyDaniel’shesitantvoice.“Er,yes.Um.PerhapsIshallretiretothesofaagain,sothatyoumayfeelcomfortablelyingdown.”
“Iamentirelycomfortable,”Alicesaidwithoutopeninghereyes.“Thisismyregularpositioninbed.”
Althoughshecouldnotseehim,sheabsolutelyfelthisdoubtfulsidelongglance.“I’mnotsureyou’rebeing—”
“Sir.Doyoumind?Iamtryingtosleep.”
Silencefellagain.
Daniellaycarefullymotionless,listeningtoAlicecountbeneathherbreath.Hewantedtocuddleher,kissher,softeningallthosedamnednumbersintopoetry.Hewantedtoremovehernightclothesandcontinuepracticingmaritalexerciseswithheruntiltheybothgraduatedseveraltimesover.Butifhedidnotrepresshisdesirehemightjustdestroythemission—andAlice’sheart—hisownheart—thewholeentirebloodyworld—alongwithit.
Worse,hecouldbefiredifA.U.N.T.learnedaboutwhathadjusthappened.
NottomentionhowappalledAlicewouldbeifshelearnedthedegreeofhisattractiontoher.HecouldjustimaginethestacksofHumanResourcescomplaintsshe’dwriteonthesubject.Well,notimagine,butatleastextrapolatethelikelihoodfromknownfacts.
Sohestaredupattheceiling(goodgrief,someonereallyoughttocleanit)andstartedcountingbeneathhisownbreath.Butthetidyrhythmbrokeapartagainandagainundertheforceofhispulse,andthesilenceintheroomshiveredlikeashygirl—or,indeed,ashymanwholaybesideawomanwithwhomhewashopelesslyenamored.
Damn,hethought.Damn,damn.Thisisnotsafe.
“Ithink—”hebegan.
“Sleeping,”Alicesnappedinreply.
Amelancholysighthreatenedtoriseinhisthroat.Horrifiedattheprospect,heclimbedoutofbed,obtainednewunderwearfromhisbag,andemployedthewashroomtorefreshhimself.Uponreturning,hepausedforawhile,regardingAlice’sfinelywroughtfacewithinitstumbledframeofhair.Shelookedlikeanangel—granted,anAngelofDeath,consideringherabilitieswithanumbrellaormerelytheheelofonehand,butthatwasbesidethepoint.Hewasobsessedwithherbeauty.Partofhimwantedtobringoutarulerandmeasurethewidthofhercheekbones.Anotherpartbegantoraisemoreribaldsuggestions.
“Icannotsleepwithyoustaringatmelikethat,”Alicesaidwithoutopeninghereyes.
Danielactuallyfelthimselfblushing.“It’sprobablyunwiseforustosharethebed.”
“Nonsense.Besides,myreputationwouldberuinedifaservantorpirateenteredtheroomandfoundyousleepingaloneonthesofa.Comenow,youaremakingmuchadoaboutnothing.”
Healmostlaughedatthat,butjudgingfromAlice’scoolexpression,she’dnothadthesameliteratureprofessorashim.Withashrugofsurrender,heclimbedintothebedandsettleddownwithhisbacktoher.Reachingout,hedousedthebedsidelamp.
“Goodn—”
“Sleeping.”
Hedidsighthen.Atleastwithherrigidattitude,therewasnodangerofwakingtofindherheadinhislaplikehehadthismorning.
Whichwasnotthebestthingtoremember,underthecircumstances.Hecasttheprovocativeimagefromhismindandbeganaslow,resolutecountbackwardfromonethousanduntilatlast,somewherearoundsixty-nine,hedriftedthankfullyintosleep.
AndwokeatdawnwithAliceDearlovedreaminginhisarms,herbreathlikepoetryagainsthishard-pulsingthroat.16alicewishesforsilence—shegetssomethingfarbetter—theytaketheplunge(inmorewaysthanone)—poeticinterruptus—outofthewoodwork—asthickasthieves
Forallevilstherearetworemedies—timeandDanielBixby’smuscledarms.
Wait.No.
Forallevilstherearetworemedies—timeandsilence.Thatwasthecorrectquote,andAlicelikedbeingcorrectinallthings.AlmostasmuchasshelikedthetannedskinofDaniel’sforearmswhenhefoldeduphissleevesand—
Shescowled.Sincewakingthismorningembracedbythosearms,she’dfounditdifficulttothinkaboutanythingelse.Exceptperhapstheman’sjawline.Andhistorso.Andthewayeverysweepofhiseyelashesseemedtostrokeherinside.Shetriedtocounterthiswithremindersofthemission,butitwasreallyquiteamazinghowherbraincouldtake“theimpendingmurderofQueenVictoria”andtranslateitinto“thethrillingbreadthofMr.Bixby’sshoulders.”
Besides,silenceasaremedyfortheevilinthishouseseemedbeyondhope.SheandDanielhadexcusedthemselvesafterbreakfast,claimingadesiretorest,onlytodiscovereveryoneelserestingtoo—i.e.,searchingthecastleforJane’ssecretweapon.Crowdsjostled,thumpedagainstwalls,andstabbedcushions(aswellastheoccasionalbustleofapassinglady).DanieldidfindhispocketwatchtuckedbehindapowderboxinMrs.Rotunder’sbedroom,butsinceitwasstolenfromhimagaintenminuteslater,theyfeltunabletocallthisasuccess.
Atleastnomorekissinghadtakenplace.Thankheavenforthat!InabsolutelynowaywhatsoeverdidAlicewishforfurtherkissing.Aboutthis,shewasadamant.
Daniel’svoicebrokethroughherthoughts.“DoIhavesomethingonmyface?”
“Pardonme?”sheaskedratherdazedly
“Youarestaringatmymouth.”
“Oh.”Shelookedaway,glaringatthewallofthecorridorinwhichtheystood.Severalholeshadbeenbashedinit.Fartheralongthecorridor,MillietheMonsterwasusingherswordtoripapartaframedportraitofBerylBlack,asifthesecretweaponmighthavebeenhiddenbehindthelady’spaintedsmirk.Mrs.Rotunderkepttryingtowedgeherhusband’swoodenhandintoagapbetweenfloorboards,soastoleverthemup,whilethegentlemanhimselfdozedinachairnearby.
“Iwasthinkingaboutthatbarricadedroomyoumentionedyesterday,”Alicelied.“Shallweattemptitnow,whileeveryoneisbusy?Iamwearingmypetticoatparachute.”
“Goodplan,”Danielagreed.
Theyhastenedtothecastleroofand,climbingontotheparapet,surveyedthehundredfeetbelowthem.“Thatwindow,”Danielsaid,pointingtoonenearby.
“Right,”Alicesaidbriskly.Asshebeganunknottingtheribbonforherparachutepetticoat,shegazedoutacrossthefieldsandwoods,thevast,lonelyskysoaringuntouchedabovethem.“Hampshireissotranquil,”sheremarked,astrangedissatisfactionripplingthroughhermind.
Danielglancedathersidelong.“Hm?”
“DoyouknowJaneAustenlivedhere?”
“Ofcourse.”Hesoundedratheroffendedthatshe’devenasked.“Now,Ithinkifweangleourselvesduringthedescent,weshould—”
“Iwonderhowmuchofaninfluencescenerylikethishadonherwriting.”
Danielstoodinblanksilence.Aliceexpectedhimtochideherfornotfocusingcompletelyonthemission,butthenheshiftedalittleonhisfeet,asifheexperiencedthesamedissatisfactionasshe.
“Interestingquestion,”hesaid,hisvoicelow.“IfIrecollectcorrectly—”
Alicesnorted,sincetheybothknewthatofcoursehedid.
“—inPersuasionsheusedtheautumnalcountrysidetorepresentAnneandWentworth’slostlove.”
“Ibelieveyou’reright,”Alicesaid.Then,shakingherhead,sheforcedherselfbackontrack.“Weoughtto—”
“But,”Danielinterjected,takingasteptowardher,“itwasinEmmathatAustenmostexcelledatusingsettingmetaphorically.”
Alice’sbrainwentsofastofftrackagainthatsheswayed,andonlybysteppingclosertoDanielcouldshemaintainherbalance.“That’strue!Emmaisluxuriantwithmetaphor,allusion,andsymbolism.”
“Itisthemostperfectlyconstructednoveleverwritten,”Danielopined.
Alicealmostfellfromtheparapetwithsheerdelight.Really,wasitanywondershecherishedthisman,consideringhesaidsuchthings?
Cherished?Herinnerdictionaryslammedopen,pagesflutteringurgentlyinhopesofaninnocentdefinitionfortheword.ButtherewasnoreprievefromtherealizationthatsheharboredfeelingsforAgentBbeyondmerephysicalattraction.Alarmed,sheleapedbackontrackwithadeterminationsofierce,sheprobablywouldhavewhippedherselfwithabirchrod,wereonepresent.Shovingahandbeneaththewaistbandofherbustledskirt,sheyankedtheribbonhard.
Herpetticoatballoonedinstantly,settinghertrulyoff-balance.Shestumbled,tiltingovertheedgeoftheparapet—
Atonce,Danielgraspedher,pullingherbackagainsthim,wrappinghisarmsaroundherwaist.ItwaslikebeingembracedbyMichelangelo’sDavid,onlyhuman-sizeandwithnomuseumsecurityguardsinvolved.
“Allright?”heasked.Or,atleast,Alicethoughtheaskedit.Hearingwasratherdifficultoverthepoundingofherheart.
“Allright,”shelied.
Hisembracegrewtighter,andAlice’scorsetstaysdugintoherskinwithlittleburstsofpain,likelovebites.Hepressedhischeektothesideofherhead.Aliceheardhissigh—orperhapsitwasherown:asoft,wistfulsound.
Thenhethrewthemofftheroof.
Anglingcarefully,theyreachedthewindowinseconds,andAliceclutchedtheedgeofitsalcovewithonehandtoholdthemsteadywhilewiththeothershesearchedherdresspocketforasmallknifetojimmyopenthewindowframe.Findingnone,shetwistedsoastotryadifferentpocket.
“Unngh,”Danielsaidinatautvoice.
“It’sheresomewhere,”Aliceassuredhim,bendingforwardtocheckinsideherboot.
“Bloodyhell,”hegasped.
“Sir!Language!Youareinthepresenceofalady!”
“Yes,Iampainfullyawareofthat.”Hekickedout,smashingthewindowframewiththeheelofhisshoe.Woodsplintered,andthewindowflungajar.Takenbysurprise,Alicelurchedforward,andtheyfelltogetherontothehardflooroftheroom.
Danielhadtwistedtheminmidairsohelandedfirst,receivingthebruntoftheimpactandcushioningAlicefromharm—althoughcushionwasperhapsthewrongword,consideringthesolidityofhisbody.Lyingatophim,Alicetoldherselftomoveandgotabrusque,itemizedreply:(1)Mybalanceisnotyetrestored.(2)Thepetticoatisstilldeflating.(3)Hesmellssodamneddelicious.
“Areyouhurt?”Danielasked,wincingbehindhiscrookedspectacles.
“No,”shesaid.“Didyouknockyourhead?Whatismyname?Canyourecallthedate?”
“Timehasceasedtohaveallmeaningonthisdiabolicalmission,Mrs.Blakeney.”Aflushsweptoverhisface.“Weshouldgetup.Now.Immediately.”
“Ibegyourpardon,”Alicesaid,realizingshehadbeenpracticallyloungingonhim.
“Notatall;myfault,”Danielansweredinaratherstrainedvoice.Clamberingtotheirfeet,tidyingtheirclothes,theylookedaround—
“Egads!”theyexclaimedinhorror.
IfJaneFairweather’sweaponwasindeedpresentinthisroom,itcouldnotbedetectedamongstaclutterofbrokenfurniture,grimyknickknacks,andpilesofclothessofilthytheywereonthevergeofbecomingawholenewlife-form.
“Hm,”Danielsaid.
Alicerecognizedhistone.“Weareheretosearch,notclean,”shechided.Peeringintoaboxofbooks,shealmostweptattheirmoldycovers.“MyGod,thesepeoplereallyarecriminals.”
Danielshiftedasideabrokensuitcasetorevealapaintingofariversidecity.“Bah,”hesaidwithafrown.“Hamburg.”
Alicelaughed.Thenoisesostartledher,sheclampedahandagainsthermouth.Danielturnedtostareatheramazedly.
“Pleaseexcuseme,”shegasped.“Ihavenotbeenamusedinyears.”
“No,Iapologize,”Danielanswered.“IshouldnothavereferencedDickensinsuchanoffhandedlywittyfashion.”
“Theapologyismine,”Aliceargued.“IfearI’mdevolvingintohooliganism.”
Hesteppedtowardher.“Iinsistonbeingtoblame.”
Sheshookherhead.“Beggingyourpardon,butIdemandtobeforgiven.”
Shadowsfilledhiseyesasheregardedherwithanexpressionlessnessthattookherbreathaway.Shefoundherselfmovingcloserwithoutthinking—and,alas,withoutlooking:shetrippedoveracandlesticklyingonthefloorandstaggered.Danielimmediatelycaughther.
“Sorry,”shesaid,staringupathim.
“I’msorry,”hesaidatthesametime,holdingherclose.
Andthentheycontinuedonwiththeirsearchfortheweaponlikeexemplaryprofessionalskissed.
Theforceoftheirsuddenpassionsentthemstumblingback.Theyimpactedwithaclutteredshelf,andasmallvasetoppledover.Withoutpausinginhisromanticindustry,DanielreachedpastAlicetosetituprightagain.HebitAlice’slowerlip.Sheroseontohertoestogetevencloser,andtheystumbledagain.
Tonguesclashing,theymovedacoatrackaside…swayingintoastackofboxes,theyaligneditneatly,eachusingonehandwhiletheotherremainedbusythrustingintohairorgraspingclothes…thentheystraightenedapaintingonthewallbeforeDanielpinnedAliceagainstthatsamewall.“Whyareyoudoingthis?”shebreathedashekissedthedentatthebaseofherthroatandsherearrangedabonnethangingcrookedlyontherack.“There’snoneed—nooneisheretowitnessit.”
“Bymytroth,Ikisstheewithamostconstantheart,”hemurmured,thewordshummingagainstherskin,makinghersigh.Shefeltdisguiseafterdisguiseslideawayuntilshewasnomorethanashy,unamiablewomanwho,evenlongoutofchildhood,stillhuggedbooksanddreamedofhavingafamily.Itwasafrighteningnakedness,andsheflutteredanxiousfingersagainsttheunrelentingsolidityofDaniel’sback.Hedidnotevenflinch.
“But—”shetriedtosay,tonoavail.Hewaskissinghermouthagain.Hewasholdinghersonear,shecouldfeelthetap-tapofhisheartbeat.
OhGod,please,hersoulwhispered.Thisone.Thisman.Mine.
Shemadeonelast,weakeffortatcynicism:“Atthetouchofalover,everyonebecomesapoet.”
Danielshiftedbackalittletocupherfaceinbothhishands.Hissmilecouldhaveunfoldedsheetsanddirtieddishes.“Doubtthouthestarsarefire,”hesaidemphatically.“Doubtthatthesundothmove;doubttruthtobealiar;butneverdoubtI—”
Crash!
NowwasthemomentofAlice’sdiscontent.Danielpulledherbehindthecoatrack,intowhatappearedtobeanancientspidercivilization.Tohavegonefromthevergeofreceivingaromanticdeclarationtobeingdrapedwithaveilofcobwebsmighthavebeenappropriate,consideringDanielhadbeenquotingHamlet,butitleftAlicerueful.
Lessthanasecondaftertheyhid,asectionofthewallflungopen,knockingataxidermieddodotothefloor.
“Bloodyhell!”AlexO’Rileystrodeintotheroom,brushingdustfromhislongblackcoat.“Whymustsecretpassagesalwaysbesodirty?Godknowsthey’reusedsoofteninpiratehouses,peopleoughttokeepthemswept.”
AlaughsoundedasCharlotteemergedbehindhim.Itwasdry,brief;thekindoflaughthathaseyesinthebackofitsheadandjustknowswhenyou’reabouttodosomethingstupid.“Thiscomingfromamanwhodidn’trealizeonehastouseamopwithwater.”
“Don’ttrybeingsuperciliouswithme,darling,”Alexreplied.“Weallknowwhomoppedourfloors.Andthatithasn’tbeendonesinceheleft,waterornot.”
AliceheardDanielgasp.Shegrippedhisarmtopreventhimfromleapingoutwithanoffertocommithousework.AlexandCharlottemightbehisfriends,butAliceconsideredthemaswaywardanddangerousaseveryotherpirateandwitchofheracquaintance.Furthermore,shesuspectedCharlottewouldtakeonelookatherandknowexactlywhatshe’djustbeendoing.
“Witchestidy,”Charlottesaid.“Theydonotclean.Wereallymustprocureanewhousekeeper.PerhapswhenwereturntoLondonweshould—Sufflamino!”
Alexjoltedtoasuddenhalt.
“Really?”hesaidfromhisrigidposture,onearmreachingtowardaswordthatleanedagainstagrimyoldbustofWordsworth.“Youcouldn’thavejusttoldmetostop?”
“Don’ttouchthatsword!You’llprobablygettetanus.”
“Ican’ttouchit,canI?You’vebewitchedme.Ican’tbloodymoveatall.”
“Ohdear.”Charlotte’svoiceswayedinrhythmwithherbodyasshecrossedtowherehewasstandingfrozen.“Poorlad.”
“Lottie,”hemurmuredinwarning.
Sheduckedbeneathhisarmandcameupsmiling.“Alex.”
SuddenlyDaniel’shandclampedoverAlice’seyes—butnotbeforeshesawCharlottegraspholdofAlex’sshirtandtughimoutofmagic,intoherwrysmile.Furious,AlicetriedtopryDaniel’sfingersaway.Hewasnotthemasterofher,todeterminewhatshewasandwasnotallowedtowitness!Hewas—
Well,hewascurrentlyfeaturinginamentalvisionofhowpreciselyhemightmasterher,anditprovedagreatdealmoresalaciousthanahusbandandwifekissing.Thefactthatthisvisionalsoincludedhishandoverhereyesonlyservedtomakemattersworse.Alicebegantoperspiremorethantheautumntemperaturejustified.Finally,asshefearedherselfonthebrinkofhyperthermia,Danielmovedhishandawayandstartedpullingherfartherintotheshadows.Shefrowned,andinresponseheputafingeragainsthislips,thenpointedittotheceiling.Glancingup,Alicerealizedshecouldhearshufflingfootstepsandvoicesmurmuringbeyondthegrimyplasterabove.
CharlotteandAlexheardittoo.Theyabruptlyceasedtheirmaritalendeavorsandduckedbehindthecoatrack,almostcrashingintoAliceandDaniel.
“Youagain!”Alexhissed.
“Ibegyourpardon,”Danielsaiddisapprovingly.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”CharlotteaskedinatonethatwouldhaveseenA.U.N.T.offeringherajobatonce.
Alexclickedhistongue.“Nodoubtthey’researchingfortheweaponinefficientfashion—unlikeyou,whoshowedmoreinterestinhanky-panky.”
Uponhearingthisphrase,Alice’sinnerdictionaryopeneditspagesexcitedly.“Whatdoeshanky-pankymean?”shewhisperedtoDaniel.
“Witchcraft,”hewhisperedback.
“Oh.”Alicefeltinexplicablydisappointed.
“Youhavecorruptedme,”Charlottetoldherhusband.“Youarenothingmorethanareprobate.”
“True,”Alexagreed.“Andyou’reaharridan.”
Alicegasped—butAlexhadspokeninagenialtoneandCharlottewasgazingathimwithanexpressionAlicebelievedwasAdoration(Female,TypeThree:Married/Long-SufferingbutNeverthelessSmitten).Shebeganrifflingthroughtheaforementionedinnerdictionaryconfusedly,butshewasinterruptedbylaughterripplingoutfromtheshadowsbehindthem.
Immediately,allfourdrewtheirgunsandaimedintothedarkness.Inresponse,ahandemerged,containingabagoflollies.
“Peppermint?”
Twofigurescameforward,smilingcheerfully.AlicerecognizedEssieSmithandherhusband,Lysander.Theywereapleasantcouple,notwithstandingasharedcriminalrecordthatwouldtakehourstorelate,andAlicefeltappalledthattheymusthavewitnessedherandDanielkissing.Shetriedtorecollectifshe’dsaidanythingtojeopardizethemissionbutfoundonlyahazeofpassionandpoetry.Fiddlesticks!
“Haveapeppermint,”Essieurged.“Idon’tknowapiratewhodoesn’tlovethem.”
“Er,”Alicesaid.Herverysoulshrankatthethoughtofeatingsomethingfromabaginwhichothers’fingershadbeenrummaging.SheglancedatDaniel,hopinghewouldprovidesomecleverexcuseastowhyshewasexemptfrompeppermintconsumption,butheappearedashorror-struck.
“?’Scuseme,”AlexO’Rileysaid,reachingbetweenthemtoscoopseverallolliesfromthebaganddeposittheminhismouth.
“Sh!”Charlottehissedsuddenly.“They’recoming.”
Thegroupsettledintocautioussilenceasatrapdoorflippedopenintheceilingandaladderangleddown.“Allowmetogofirst,preciouspetalofmyheart’ssummerrose,”cameFrederickBassingthwaite’svoice.“Iwillbeyourpreservationshouldyoufall,althoughitwouldmeancrushingtheverylifefromthismeagerbutdevotedbody,asacrificeIgladly—”
ShoeheelssmackedagainstwoodasJaneFairweatherdescendedtheladder.Thehiddengroupshuffledbackevenmore.Alicefeltripplesagainstherskirtsasthepiratesreachedaroundhertopickeachother’spockets.Reachingthefloor,Janelookedaboutwithshrewdcalculation.
“Theremustbeenoughsaleablegoodsinheretopayforthenewoven.”
Thepiratesexchangedconfusedlooks.Pay?Alexmouthed;Lysandershruggedinbewilderedreply.
Frederickjoinedhiswife.“Whateveryouwish,creamofmycrop,itshallbe—”
“Focus!”Janesnapped.“Wheredidyouleaveit?”
Frederickpointed.“Onyonderbox,dearest.”
Thegroupcranedtheirneckstoseemoreclearly,butJanesnatchedtheobjectandhuggeditclosetoherbosom,allowingonlyanimpressionofwhiteness.
“Withthis,poeticjusticeshallbeserved!”shedeclared.
“Indeed,itshallbeaveritablecataclysmof—”
“Let’sgo.Wemusttakeitdownstairsatonce,beforeanyonenoticeswe’vedisappeared.”
“Ofcourse,doveofmycloudlesssky.”
Theyascendedtheladder,pulleditupbehindthem,andshutthetrapdoorwithathudandashowerofdust.
“Havetheygone?”someoneaskedfromacrosstheroom.
Inreply,gunsweredrawnyetagain.Thegroupemergedfromtheirconcealmentandstaredacrossthepilesofjunk.
BloodhoundBessstaredback.Shewasgrinning,albeitonlyasaconsequenceofthescarthatcurvedfromhermouthtoherleftear.Cobwebsdrapedfromherpurplehatfeathers;dustysunlightglistenedagainstthelong,heavybladeoftheswordsheemployedlikeawalkingstick.
“ThatwasthemostoutrageousthingIhaveeverbeenmadewitnessto!”shepronounced.
“YoumeanMr.andMrs.Blakeneynearlydoingthemselvesaninjurysnogging?”Lysanderasked,winkingatAliceassheblushed.
“No.AlthoughIspiedthemdoingso,Ihaveenoughintelligencenottobugthemaboutit.”
“ThenyoumeanCaptainO’Rileykissinghiswife?”
Bessbristled.“No.Butyoucanbesuremymindisabonfireatthesightofawitchinthisroom.”
“Thenyoumean—”
“Jane,”Besssnapped.“ImeantJane.Whatkindofpiratesuggestspayingforsomething?!”
Thegroupmurmuredintroubledagreement.
“Didanyoneseewhatshetookfromtheroom?”Danielasked.
Noonehad.
“Theobvioussolutionistowaylayherbeforeshehidestheitemelsewhere,”Charlottepointedoutwithwitchlikerationale.Then,catchingavexedglancefromAlex,shehastilyadded,“Notthattheitemisofanyimportance.Merelyifonewascurious.”
“Ihavenocuriositywhatsoever,”Besssaid.“However,Imustbeonmyway.Ionlycameupherefor—er—”Lookingaround,shesnatchedupastainedashtrayintheshapeofanopen-mouthedbulldog.“This.Yes.Extremelyvaluableantique.Haveacustomerwantingthisexact—er—thing.Tallyho!”
Shebackedintoasectionofthewall,causingherhattotiltprecariously,andkickedoutwithherheel.Nothinghappened;shesidestepped,kickedagain,andalmostfellthroughasuddenlyopeningsecretdoor.Theotherswouldhaveheardherrunningalongthehiddenpassagewaybeyondweretheynotbusymakingtheirownexcusestoimmediatelydepart.Witha“descendeo,”Charlottesummonedtheladderfromtheceiling,andtherefollowedaskirmishasAlexandLysanderbothattemptedtoclimbitaheadofeachother.Essieintervened,peppermintsexplodedeverywhere,and,asallthreepiratesdrewtheirswords,Charlottesighedwithexasperationandlevitatedoverthem.
AliceandDanielhastilydepartedbywayofthedoorthroughwhichAlexandCharlottehadentered.Racingalongadarkpassageway,theyfoundstairsleadingdown,atthebottomofwhichwasadooropeningtoaservicecorridor.FollowingthisledthemtotheentrancehallatthesametimeLysanderandEssieSmitharrivedfromanotherdirection;secondslater,BloodhoundBessandAlexrandownthegrandstaircase,shovingateachother.
“Ah,thereyouare,”saidalaconicvoice.EveryoneturnedtoseeJanestrollin.Shewascarryingseveralbooksand,withaplacidexpressionuponhernarrow,bespectacledface,shelookedforalltheworldlikeafiercepiraticheroine’sdullgoverness.Frederickfollowedtwopacesbehind.
“Iseveryonehavinganiceday?”sheasked,smilingblandly.
Theyallstaredatherindumbfoundedsilence.ThenAlexgaveaninsouciantshrug.“Verynice,veryrelaxing,”hesaid,sheathinghissword.
Jane’seyeswidenedatthesightofhim.“RottenO’Riley!Ididnotrealizeyouwerevisitingus.”
“Oh,I’mjustpassingthrough,”Alexanswered.“TakingashortcuttoDublin.Cheerio,then.”Hesalutedher,winkedatDaniel,andambledawayoutthefrontdoor.
“Goodheavens!”Frederickexclaimed.“DoyouthinksomeoneshouldrunoutandtellhimDublinisintheoppositedirectionbeforethepoorchapgoestoofar?”
Janesighed,andAlicerecognizedonherfacetheMarried/Long-Sufferingexpression,albeitwithoutanyAdoration.“Luncheonisbeingserved,shouldyou—”
Staggeringback,sheonlyjustsavedherselffrombeingtrampledbyEssie,Lysander,andBessastheyrushedtothediningroom.Shehurriedafterthem,mutteringabouthavingbarelyanyspoonsleftforstealing.Frederickscamperedbehind.
“Waitforme,sweetestnectarofmyvine!”
AliceandDanielfoundthemselvesaloneintheentrancehall.Theyinhaled—
“Tsk.”Avoiceechoedthroughthewidemarblespace.Thebreathwentoutofthemwearily.
Charlottemarcheddownthestairs.“Wheredidhego?”shedemanded.
AliceandDanielpointedoutthefrontdoorandshestrodetowardit,bootheelssparking,voicemutteringasshewent.“?‘Hideinthesecretroomsandpassageways,’hesaid.‘Stealtheweapon,easilydone,’hesaid.Didhementiondustandcobwebs?No!”(Aflowervasetrembledonasideboard.)“Didhementionnotbeingabletogetadecentcupoftea?”(Thevaserosethreefeetintheair.)“Justaswellthemanislovable,orelse—”
Crash.Carnationsscatteredalloverthefloor.
“Willyouleavenow,MissPettifer,”Danielaskedhersternly,“sincethepiratesknowyouarehere?”
“Ofcourse!”Charlotteansweredsoreadily,evenAlicecouldtellshewaslying.“Oh,andawordofadvice,”sheaddedasshepassedthem.“Marriedpiratestendnottoclingtoeachotherquitesomuch.”
Glancingdown,theagentsrealizedtheywereholdinghands,andhastilysnatchedthemapart.WithalaughsodryitmadetheSaharaseemlikeabeach,Charlottedeparted.Theywatchedhergo,thenturnedtoeachother.
“Thesepeopleareenoughtotrythepatienceofanoyster,”Alicesaidgrimly.
“They’reallmadhere,”Danielagreed,makinghersmile.Heliftedhishandasifhewouldtouchtherarecurveofhermouth,butlowereditagainwithoutdoingso.“WeshouldretraceJane’sstepstoseeifwecanfindwhereshelefttheweapon,”hesaid.
“Weshouldjointhecompanyforluncheon,”Alicesaidatthesametime.
Theirmutualgazegrewheavy.
“Weshould…”Alicemurmured.
“Weshould,”Danielagreedvaguely.
Theyswayedtowardeachother.
Boom!
Smokebillowedoutfromthediningroom.“Ahoy!”someoneshouted.
Theagentssighedandwenttodotheirduty.17noncompospiraticus—ashakespeareanconversation—theladiesdebategamingtactics—explosions—troublingnews—danielandalicecannotbemoved—plottwist!
Therearefewhoursinlifemoreterrifyingthanthehourdedicatedtotheceremonyknownasafternoontea,whenpartakeninpiraticcompany.AftertwocupsofEarlGrey,asliceofcoconutcake,and“amusingconversation”withthematronsoftheWisteriaSociety,Alicefearedshehadbecomeinsane,withoutanyintervalsofsanity,horribleorotherwise.Notonlywassheunabletofocusonthebookinherhands,butshefeltactuallytemptedtoslouchonthesofauponwhichshesat!Onlyhercorset,andthemuch-ruffledposteriorofheryellowandpurpleafternoondress,savedherfromsuchaderangementofgoodmanners.
AndonlytheimperativesofthemissionsavedherfromremovingsaiddressandstuffingasmuchofitaspossibledownFrederickBassingthwaite’sthroatsohewouldstoprecitingKeats’s“OdetoaNightingale”inavoicethatturnedtheexquisitepoemintosomethingaliketoWordsworth’s“OdetoDuty.”
Once,afewyearsago,shehadinfiltratedagangofladysmugglerswhowereterrorizingthelaw-abidinggentlemenofthewestcoastwiththeirguns,theirsecretbasementsfullofexplosives,andtheinterestingswayoftheirhipsastheystrolledCornwall’scliffs.Afterhercoverwasblown,Alicehadhiddenbehindabarrelofstolenrumwhilethegangdrankmasalachai(forwhatself-respectingsmugglerdrinksordinaryEnglishtea?)anddiscussedexactlywhattheywoulddotoherwhentheycaughther.(Afterhearingtheirdecidedlyinventiveplans,AlicehadneverbeenabletolookataCornishpastythesamewayagain.)Thatwasaninterestingteaparty,tosaytheleast.
Theonetodayhadbeenworse.
AlicewouldneverhavebelieveditpossibleforateapottoenduretheusestowhichMrs.Ogdenputit,hadshenotseenitwithherowneyes.
Andshe’dalwaysthoughtaladydidnotexposeheranklesinmixedcompany,letaloneherknees,thighs,andknickers,byperformingahandstandonatableclutteredwithcupsandplates,suchasEurekaSelassie(hernomdepirata:Eek!)haddone.
AndafterhearingthestoryMillietheMonstertoldabouthowshe’demployedacoconutinheryouth,Alicehadsorelywishedshe’dnoteatenthatsliceofcake.
Nowthepirateswereenjoyingaquietperiod,muchinthesamewaytheeyeofahurricaneisquiet.SettledintheEcruDrawingRoom,theyengagedinladylikeoccupationssuchasneedlework—“oh,stopsniveling,Olivia,I’llhavethistattoofinishedinoneminute”—sippingafewextracupsoftea—“dearest,couldyoupassmethemilkjug,andbymilkjugImeanrumbottle”—andattendingtotheircorrespondence—“Isay,Hadiza,howdoyouspell‘extortion’?”
AlicewantednothingmorethantogetDanieloutoftheroomsotheycouldhavesomerespitefromthegrimworkofsocializingbyinsteadsearchingupchimneysandincisternsforthehiddenweapon.Buthewastrappedbesidethehearth,staringblanklyatMissDarlingtonwhilethatgoodladylecturedhimontherisksofencephalitisforyoungmarriedmen.Onesleeveofhissuitjacketneededstraightening,andhehadnotevennoticedaloosethreadontheupholsteryofthechairinwhichhesat.Helookedlikeamanwhoneededaholidaythoroughdebriefingfromhissuperiorspriortobeingassignedsomenew,moregentlemission,suchasassassinatingtheRussianemperor.
Watchinghim,Alicesighedwithmelancholy.
Egads!Thisblatantevidenceofhererodingmentalwell-beingsoalarmedher,shedidnotnoticesomeonesitbesideheronthesofauntiltheyreachedouttotakethebookfromherhands.Thattheysurviveddoingsospeakstohowdiscombobulatedshehadbecome;lookingupbelatedly,shesawEssieSmith.
“All’sWellThatEndsWell,”thepirateladysaid,readingthebook’sgildedcover.HertinyskullearringsglintedassheliftedasmiletoAlice,whoblinkedwarilyinresponse.“Idosoloveahappyeverafter,don’tyou,Mrs.Blakeney?”
OhGod,anotherconversation.Wastherenoendtothemiseryofthismission?
“Indeed,”Alicesaid.“Ahappyresulttoanyinvestig—er,interestingevent—isalwayspleasant.”Herstumbledanswerilluminatedtoherthatshehadnolifeoutsidework.Thethoughtbroughtanothersighfromherlips.
“Yousoundhappy,”Essienoted.
“Iam,”Aliceanswered.Afterall,serviceisafineheritage.Shecouldhavewrittenherownodetodutyhadshebeengivenenoughtimewithruledpaperandathesaurus.Atleast,shecouldhavelastweek.Thisweek’sbewildermentshadleftherbarelyabletorecollecttheA.U.N.T.motto(SemperOctopus—i.e.,ReallyNeedingEightArmsAlltheTimeJusttoGetEverythingDone).
“Itdoesnotsurpriseme,”Essiesaid,flickingthroughthepagesofthebookinacarefreemannerthatmadeAlicewanttosnatchitbackandholditsafeagainstherheart.“Youareyoung,attractive,withexcellenttasteinfashion,andclearlyyouandyourhusbandcherisheachother.”
“Wedo?”Alicesaid,perplexed.Then,recollectinghermissionidentity:“Wedo!”
Essie’ssmiledeepened.“Inthishousefullofhuggers(andmuggers),everyoneprivatelyhastheireyesonyouandMr.Blakeney.Wefeelquitearrestedbyyourromance.Somedayyoumusttellmeyoursecrets,forIconfess,keepingorderinmyownrelationshipisnotalwayseasy.AsShakespearesays”—shetappedherlongfingernailsagainstthebook,andAlicebarelymanagedtorestrainherselffrombreakingthosenailsandthefingersattachedtothem—“ifonlymencouldbediscontentedtobewhattheyare,therewouldbenofearinmarriage.Butsofewofthemseekself-improvement!”
Alice’sbrain,distractedbythemisquote,hastilysearcheditselfforsomereply.Itflungphrasesoutofboxes,grabbedherimaginationandshookit,alltonoavail.Fortunately,Essiecontinued.
“Iam,ofcourse,fondofmydearhusband.Heisgoodwithhishands,ifyouknowwhatImean.”
Aha!Alice’sbrainsnappedtoattention,foritknewhowtorespondhere.“Yes!Mr.Blakeneyisalsogoodwithhishands,”shesaid.“Hecankillwithjustonepunch.”
“Indeed?”Essieblinkedrapidlydownatthebook.“Goodnessme.Thatis…charming,I’msure.Isupposeheismorecarefulwhentouchingyou,though.”
Alice’sexpressiondarkened.“Indeed,hehasbecomepronetogentlenessoflate.”Eventhethoughtofitmadeherskintingleinthemostdisconcertingmanner.
“Ohdear,”Essiemurmured.
AlicelookedacrosstowhereMissDarlingtonwasnowproddingDaniel’stempleandexplaininghowafreckleprovedhimtohavearagingcaseofbraininflammation.Theelderlypirateseemedoblivioustohowcloseshecametoassassinationforthecrimeofbeingconcernedabouthim.Alice,however,coulddiscernfromDaniel’spolitesmilethathewasclearlyonthevergeofhomicide.ShehadtoclenchhermusclestokeepfromshootingMissDarlingtonherself.
Fiddlesticks.WhenhadAgentB,herabsolutearchrival,becomesodeartoherthatshe’dkilltoprotecthimfrommilddiscomfort?Ifonlythismissionwouldfinishsoonsoshecouldhaveherhappyending:awholenewmission,assignedtoheralone.
Atthisthought,herheartflinchedoddly.AlmostasifitwouldmissAgentB.Almostasifitwishedwithallits,er,hearttostaywithhim.That,ofcourse,wasnonsense.Fallinginlovewithone’smissionpartnercontravenedseveralrulesand—
Excuseme.Fallinginlove?
Alicefrowned.Shewaswillingtoadmitstumblinginfondness,perhapseventrippinginlust,butanythingfurtherrepresentedanunprofessionalismthatcouldnotbecountenanced.
“WereIhislady,Iwouldpoisonthatvilerascal,”Essiecommented,andAliceturnedtostareather.
“Alinefromtheplay,”thewomanelucidated,tappingafingernailagainontheopenpage.Shethenlickedthefingerbeforeusingittoturntoanewpage,andAlicefelttheNorthPole’sicecapsrelocatesuddenlyintoherbody.
“Youknow,”Essiemused,“IsuspectShakespearemayhavebeenapirate.”
Alicedidnotreply,herwholeattentionfixateduponthebookforfearofwhatEssiemightdotoitnext.
“Hewrotemuchthatinspiresme,”thewomanadded.“Forexample,‘tothineownselfbetrue.’Thatisthebestadviceanyonemightreceive.”
“AndyetitoriginateswithPolonius,”Alicesaid,“whowasapompoushypocrite.”
“Theproblemwiththatbeing—?”
Aliceblinkedinbemusement.“Why,apompoushypocriteis—is—”
“Piratic?”Essiesuggested,laughing.“Youknow,whenIwasyoung,IdespairedathowdifferentIwasfromothers.Nomattermyefforts,Icouldnotseemtomanageproperbehavior.ItwouldhavebeenbadenoughhadIbeenawallflower,butIactuallyclimbedthewalls,fromaburningcuriosityaboutwhatwasontheotherside.Luckily,ImetGertrudeRotunder,whotaughtmetheflightincantation.Istolemyfirsthouseandneverlookedback.NowIamtomyownselftrue,andit’sbroughtmelove,friendship,andaratherdelightfulhoardoftreasure.Maybeonedayuniquenesswillbeconsideredacceptableinwomen;untilthen,IpassonPolonius’sadvicewheneverIcan.Wepiratesknowthatnoteventheskyneedstobethelimit.Wouldn’tyouagree,Mrs.Blakeney?”
Crash!
IttookamomentforAlicetorealizethesuddenloudagitationwasnotherbrainimplodingfromconversationalstress.Mrs.RotunderhadoverturnedthesmallroundtableatwhichshehadbeenplayingwhistwithMrs.OgdenandMillietheMonster,andnowallthreeladieswereontheirfeetandglaringateachother.
“Areyoucheating,Mrs.Ogden?!”Mrs.Rotundershouted,drawinghersword.
“Imostcertainlyain’t!”Mrs.Ogdensaid,bristlingwithoutrage.
“Well,whynot?”Mrs.Rotunderdemanded.“Doyounotbelievemeagoodenoughplayerthatyouneedtocheat?”
“Um…”Mrs.Ogdenwasmomentarilyflummoxed.“Ofcourseyouare,dear.Thebest!Iwasabsolutelyonthevergeofcheating,Icanassureyou.”
Butitwastoolate.Thebriefhesitationhadsealedherfate.
“Engarde!”Mrs.Rotunderdeclared.
Aroundtheroom,chairsandsmalltablesclatteredtothefloorasseveralotherladiesjumpedup,drawingtheirswordsautomatically,beforerealizingthechallengehadnotbeenforthem.Whereupon,theyshrugged…
“Engarde!”theyshoutedinreply.
Metalclashedagainstmetal.CriesofTakethat!andDie,fiend!andWatchoutfortheteapot!resoundedthroughoutthechaos.
Essiestood,tossingAll’sWellThatEndsWellontoAlice’slapbeforehurryingovertojointhemelee.Stunnedandaghast,Alicetookthebookintoherhandsandstrokedit,thencheckedthepagesfortearsandcreases.Thefactthatshefoundnonewasnotappeasing,forherprivateintimacywiththebookhadbeendisturbed.Shewasbeginningacarefulfour-countofbreathwhenahandappearedinherlineofvision,presentedquietly,asonepresentstheirhandtoadangerousanimalofwhosetemperthey’reunsure.Lookingup,shesawDanielregardinghersomberly.
“Youseemfatigued,dearwife,”hesaid.“MayIescortyouupstairsforarest?”
Alicegratefullytookholdofthehand,sostrongandsteady,socoolanddry,withitsgoldringandaninterestingsmallscaracrossoneknucklethatshewantedto—
“Mrs.Blakeney?”heprompted.
Blinkingratherdazedly,shestood.
Aladyspunpast,skirtsa-whirlandringletsflapping,asshewhackedherswordagainstthatofanelderlygentlemanwhopuffedacigarwhilefightingback.ThefoulwhiffofsmokemadeAliceblanchwithsuddennausea.Danielheldherstillforamoment,hishandremainingaroundhers,hisotherreachingacrossherfrontlikeashield,asthoughshewassomefragilecreaturerequiringhismanlyprotection.
Outrageous!declaredherbrain.Iamapowerful,professionalwoman!
DoyouthinkifIswooned,answeredherbody,he’dliftmeinhisarms?
Agapopenedupinthetumultandtheyhurriedthrough,weavingbetweenpirates,duckingblades,untiltheyreachedthecorridoroutside.Servantsambledpastunperturbed,busywiththeirvariousduties(dusting,carryinglaundry,makingsecretfloorplansforthegovernment).ThecalmsoothedAlice’snerves,butshecouldfeelDaniel’sgrasponherhandtightening,andknewthatifanyonesomuchasnoddedagreetingtohim,allhellwouldbreakloose.Nowshewastheonetoprotectandguide,practicallytowinghimalongthecorridorandupstairs.
“Weshouldsearch—”hebegantosuggest.
“Weshouldtakeaquietmomenttorestoreourbalance,”Alicecountered,andstrodefortheirbedroombeforehecouldargue.Openingthedoor,theysteppedinside…
Boom!
Theworldfilledwithsmoke.
“Isay,”Dr.Snodgrassmurmuredfrombeneathaquiveringmustache.“Itwasn’tmyfault.”
Theystoodcontemplatingthecharredwreckageofthewashroomdoor.DanielandAlicewerecomposedtosuchadegreeoftranquilperfection,SnodgrassandVeronicatrembledatthesightofthem.Alicewasnoteventappingherfingers.AndifDanielhadblinkedonceinthepastfiveminutes,they’dmissedit.VeronicawasbeginningtofearexactlywhatittooktobeapremierA.U.N.T.agent;Snodgrass,whohadmoreexperiencewiththem,wasmentallycomposinghislastwillandtestament.
“Ididn’tsuspectyou,Doctor,”Danielsaid.“NodoubtthiswasjustanotheroftheWisteriaSociety’sfriendlyattemptstoassassinateus.”
“Friendly?”Veronicaechoedincredulously.
“Theywouldn’ttrytokillusiftheythoughtwewerecivilians,”Aliceexplained.
“Besides,”Danielsaid,“wehavesomethingmoreimportanttoworryabout.”
“Thenextassassinationattempt?”Snodgrasssaid,lookingaroundasifheexpectedittohappenatanymoment.
“No,ImeantheannouncementFrederickBassingthwaitemadeatafternoontea.Therewillbeaballtonight.”
Veronicagasped.“Ohmy!”
“Exactly,”Danielintonedgrimly.
“Howwonderful!”Thejunioragent’seyeslitwithshimmerydreamsassheclutchedherhandstoherbreast.
“What?No.”Danielshookhishead.“Therewillbedancing.Andassupposedpirates,wewillbeexpectedtojoinin.”
“Howisthatworsethanpeopletryingtokillyou?”Veronicaasked.
“IhavespentthepastseveralyearsinRottenO’Riley’scompanywithpeopletryingtokillme.Thatisregularpirateculture.”
“Itisalsoregularlifeforasecretagent,”Alicepointedout.“Ifyoudonotfindyourselfonthevergeofbeingmurderedatleastonceaweek,youarenotdoingyourjobproperly.Ratherthatthanattendaball.”
Danielnoddedinagreement.
Veronica’sshimmerbegantodim.“But—”
“Idonotdance,”Danielsaidinanend-of-conversationtone,whichfromaprofessionalassassinalsothreatenedend-of-life.
“NorI,”Aliceadded.
Thejunioragentcontinuedstaringatthembemusedly.Theyweresidebyside,armscrossed,expressionsstony,posturesonthebrinkofreachingforaweapon.VeronicaprovedeitherherstupidityorherfitnessasanA.U.N.T.agentbyaskingonemorequestion.“SurelyyouweretaughthowtodanceattheAcademy?”
Bothagentsstiffenedevenmore.“Therewasan—incident,”Danielmurmured.
“Therewasan—accident,”Alicemurmuredatthesametime.
“Idonotdance,”theyreiteratedinunison.
“Youdidthecongatheothernight,”Veronicapointedout.
“Underduress,”Danielsaid.“Andthatwasmoreamatterofaccessorizedwalking.”
“Well,youmustdancetonight,”Veronicapersistedinwhatwasperhapsthemostdeath-defyingactionoftheentirenarrative.“Suspicionwillfallonyouifyoudon’t.”
“Cannotachandelierorceilingpanelfallonmeinstead,thusexcusingmefromtheevening?”Aliceasked.
“Hahaha!”Snodgrasslaughedheartily.“Whatafunnyjoke,MissDearlove!”
Alicestaredathimwithsuchicyintensity,itwasremarkablehedidnotfreezeonthespot.Butinsteadheflushed,hismustachebristling.“Ihavejustthesolution!”hedeclared.“AlittlethingI’vebeenworkingoninmysparetime—self-dancingshoes!Why,putthemonandyou’llbedoingthecan-caninnotime!”
“Morelikelythecrash-bang,”Danielmuttered.
“Thereisafareasiersolution,”Veronicasaid.“Youmustpractice!”
Beforetheagentscouldreact,shereachedout,grabbingDaniel’shandandtugginghimtowardAlice.Onlyhisutterbewildermentsavedherfromthetediumofthreeweeksinahospitalbed.
“Now,AgentB,placeyourhandonA’supperback—thusly.AndAgentA,placeyourhandonB’sarm.No,higherup—higher—justletmeputitthereforyou.That’sit.Now,eachholdtheother’sfreehand…Ohdear.”
Shebitherlipassheregardedthetwopistolsaimeddirectlyather.
“You’llneedtoputthoseawayifyouwishtowaltz,”shesaidinacautioustone.
“Therewillbenowaltzing,”Danielsaid.
“Nocan-can,”Aliceadded.
“Nodancing,”theybothemphasized.Andholsteringtheirguns,theytookaprofessionalstepawayfromeachother.
“Thediscussionisover,”Danielsaid.“Wewillsimplyintensifyoursearchefforts,defytheodds,findtheweapon,escapethepiratehordes,anddepartthisinsaneasylumbeforethebandevenbeginstoplay.”
“Verywell,”Veronicarelentedwithasigh.“Itdoesnotsoundparticularlyromantic,however.”
“Thisisamission,V-2,”Danielchided.“Romanceplaysnoparthere.”
“Nonewhatsoever,”Aliceagreed.
Theyglancedateachother,andifVeronicawastemporarilyblindedbytheheatpassingbetweenthem,shefinallyretainedenoughgoodsensetosaynothingaboutit.
“Icanorganizemoreservantstohelpinthesearch,”sheofferedinstead.
“Definitelynot,”Danielsaid.“Therearetoomanydoubleagentsdownstairs.Andthewallshaveears.”Hepaused,seeingAlicelookaroundtheroominstartlement.“Idiom,Mrs.Blakeney.No,Itrustnooneatthispoint.”
“Exceptus!”Snodgrasspipedup.
Danielfrownedinresponse.“Now,listen.Mrs.BlakeneyandIwillchangeourclothesfordinner—notfordancing—andthencontinuethesearch.V-2,returntothekitchen,butremainalertforanynewsand—”
“Guardagainstexplodingcakes,”sheadded.
Amomentofsilencefollowed,inhonorofDaniel’sdeceasedpatience.
“Goodidea,”hesaideventually.“Youdothat.AndDr.Snodgrass,staysafeinyourroom.”
Thescientistsputtered.“ButIhavetheperfectdevice,what,whichwhenI—”
“Stay.In.Your.Room.”
Snodgrass’smustachedrooped.“Isay.”
Danielshiftedhisfrowntoeachofthem.“Ifweallremaininourcircumscribedroles,wewillhavethismissiondonewithnomorecomplications.It’sassimpleandeasyasthat.”
Alicenoddedinapproval.
Twohourslater,theywererunningfortheirlives.18hownottoopenadoor—aliteraryencounter—daniel’spatiencegoesupinflames—abucketofcoldwater—notstrictlyballroom—animmovableobject
Whenlifeitselfseemslunatic,whoknowswheremadnesslies?”
Intheattic,thatiswhere.
Or,rather,madnesscrouchesonanoldsofaintheattic,andwhendisturbedbyA.U.N.T.agentssearchingforamysterioussecretweapon,itleapsforthwithquixoticenergy.Thereisnoreasoningwithit,nosoothingit,andapparentlynogettingcloseenoughtowhackitroundtheheadandsubdueit.
“Simple,yousaid,”AlicecomplainedtoDanielastheyspedalongacorridor.“Easy.”
“Whatisyourpoint?”Danielrepliedtetchily.
“Mypoint?Thatwouldbethescreamingmadwomanwithaflamingtorchchasingus.”
Theyglancedovertheirshouldersand,uponseeingagainthetangle-hairedwomaninafilthynightgownbearingdownuponthemwithuncannyspeed,theyincreasedtheirownpace.
“HowwasItoknowwe’dencountersomeonelikethatinthelockedatticofaGothiccastle?”Danielasked.“Really,madam,Ifindyouoverlyfastidious.”
“NowIknowthismissionhasbeentoomuchforyou!”Aliceretorted.“Noagentintheirrightmindwouldconsideritpossibletobeoverlyfastidious.”
Hefrownedather.Shefrownedinreply
Alas,thisstateofrelationshipwasentirelydifferentfromhowithadbeenevenfiveminutesago,beforethegracelessmomentthatsawthemconfrontedbythemadwoman.SearchingtheupperfloorsofStarkthornCastle,theyhadbeenentirelycompanionable.
Forexample,theyhadassistedeachotherinpickingdoorlocks.
(Andiftheirhandshadtouchedeachotherbrieflyindoingso,why,thatwasjustanaccidentalconsequenceofprofessionalbehavior.)
Theyhadexploredshadowy,barelyfurnishedrooms.
(AndifDaniel’sfingers,firmlybrushingascatteringofdustfromAlice’sshoulder,hadcontinuedtolingeratthenapeofherneck—andherfingersinturnhadstrokedtheirknucklesagainsthisthigh—onecanonlyattributethistotheinnocenteffectsofphysicalproximity.)
Theyhadstoppedtodiscusstheirsearchroute,markingoffroomnumbersinDaniel’smentalmap.
(Andiftheyhadcaressedeachother’sfaceswhiledoingso,thatwasdueto—um—ohyes,thepoorlightinginthecorridor,requiringthemtofeelaswellaslistentotheirspeech.)
Finally,theyhadreachedthelastdoorand,afterunlockingit,hadpausedoutsideto—to—
Oh,fiddlesticks.TheyhadgraspedateachotherwithsuchanabruptandcompleterejectionofprofessionalismthatA.U.N.T.’sCodeofConductburstintohot,metaphoricalflamesbetweenthemastheykissed.DanielhadpushedAlicehardagainstthedoor,hislipsbruisinghers,hishandshaulingupthelayersofherskirts,whileshe’dclutchedatungentleness,hehadbreachedthegapinherdrawers,andshehadinvadedthefrontofhistrousers,andhe’dpressedherharderagainstthedoor,causinghertoknockthehandle,thedoortothrustopen,andthemtostaggerthroughit,stillholdingandclutchingandkissing,whereupontheyhadimmediatelybecomedivertedbythequestionofwhatthehellwasthatscreeching?
FortwopeoplewhohadreadJaneEyre,theanswerreallyoughtnottohavebeenasurprise.
Now,skiddingaroundacorner,theyenteredawide,well-litcorridor.Musicswampedthem,andlaughtertumbledfromadoubledooropenedfartheralong.Instantly,theyhalted.
“Thedance,”Alicesaidinhorror.
Turningontheirheels,theyrearedbackfromthemadwomanasshewavedtheflamingtorchatthem.
“Thedevil,”Danielsaiddisapprovingly.
“Aaaaarrgghhh!”contributedthemadwoman.
Trapped,bothagentsdrewtheirgunsinasynchronousmovement,aimingatthewoman’sheart.
Itwasatensemoment,requiringonlydarksunglassesandamoredramatickindofmusicplayingintheballroominordertoflipthenarrativeintosomethingclosertoathrillerthanhasthusfarbeenitstone.Alice’stranquillayersknottedupinherdigestivesystemasshestrovenottoflutterherfingers—arms—entirebody.
Thisshouldneverhavehappened.She’dbeenunprofessional.She’dlostfocusonthemission,fallinginsteadintoobsessingoverDaniel’sstrong,competentbody—and,moreespecially,thewayheemployedthatbodytotouchherasnooneeverhadbefore.Priortomeetinghim,she’dfeltonlymilddesires:toobtainsecretinformation,tothwartcriminals,tofindaLatineditionofUtopia.Nowitseemedasthoughherentirebeingwascomprisedoflonging.Eveninthismoment,facingdownthemadwomaninthecorridor,hersenseskeptveeringtoDanielbesideher.Theheightofhimmadeherfeeldainty.Thetrustingcalmofhimmadeherfeelpowerful.ShewasnotjustAlicepointingagunatsomeragingthreat;shewaspartofacouple—amissionteam,afriendship
Atthatdangerousthought,shewinced.AliceDearlove,AgentA,didnothavefriends.Shehadassociates.Thefactthat,notfiveminutesago,thisparticularassociatehadbeenslippinghishandintoherunderwearsignifiednothingmorethananoverenthusiasticenactmentoftheirmissioncover.Mostcertainly,itdidnotsignifyanyinvolvementofherheart.AgentApossessednoheart.
Theachinginherchestregionwasprobablyindigestion.
“Goodgracious!”cameasuddenhigh-pitchedvoice,sendingashudderthroughherawarenessinmuchthesamewayfingernailsdownachalkboardmighthavedone.Fromthecornerofhereye,shenoticedFrederickBassingthwaitestandingnearby,dressedinorangevelvet,hismouthevenmoreagapethanusual.
“WhyareyouholdingEvelinaatgunpoint?”heasked.
Neitheragentlookedawayfromthemadwoman,whosewaryexpressionuponFrederick’sarrivalsuggestedsheretainedatleastsomeglimmersofsanity.
“Sheisthreateninguswiththeflamingtorchyoumightnoticeinherhand,”Aliceexplained.
“Ofcoursesheis,”Fredericksaidwithatinklinglaugh.“Thatiswhatwehiredhertodo.”
Themadwomanbaredherteeth.
“SheisourresidentLunatic,”Frederickcontinuedblithely.“OnecanhardlyownaproperlydecentGothiccastlewithoutkeepinganAtticLunatic.WealsohaveaMysteriousScar-FacedManlurkinginthecellar,andthefamousmediumMrs.Zhucomesinquarterlytorefreshourghosts.”
Alice’seyesnarrowedassheattemptedtoprocessthisinformation.“Sothiswomanis—?”
Themadwomanheldoutherfreehandintheofferofahandshake.“MurielHappely,”sheintroducedherselfinapolishedvoice.“YoumayhaveseenmeonstageintheAdelphiTheatre,playingDesdemona.PrinceEdwardhimselfcalledit‘atourdeforceofsuffering,’anditisgenerallyagreedthathemeantmyperformance,notthewatchingofit.IhopeyouhaveenjoyedyourimmersiveexperienceofEvelinathisevening.”
“Enjoyed,”Aliceechoedwiththehollownessofsomeoneforwhomallinnerdictionarieshaveself-combustedindespair.
Ms.Happelywithdrewherhand,whichnotonlyhadgoneignoredbuthadn’tevenencouragedtheslightestloweringofguns.Hersmilewaveredslightlyatitsedges,butshe’dclearlydealtwithcriticsbefore.“Thankyouforwatching!Pleasedoconsiderleavingareviewintheguestbookbeforeyougohome.”
AliceturnedherheadtolookatDaniel.Hemetthestunnedgazewithoneofhisown.IfMrs.Kewcouldhaveseenthematthatmoment,she’dhavethrownawayhersugarcanisterandjusthandedthemawholepotofblacktea.
“Tremendous!”Frederickdeclared.“Kudostoyou,Evelina,itwasamasterclassindramaturgy!Thatwillbeallfornow.”
“Actually,”Ms.Happelysaid,“whileIhaveyou,Mr.Bassingthwaite,perhapswemightdiscussthesmallmatterofmyoutstandingwages,which—”
“Yes,yes,ofcourse,”Frederickinterrupted,dismissingthequestionwithawaveofhishand.“Thecheckisinthemail!”
“Arrrghh!”Ms.Happelygavetheflamingtorchonelastmaniacalshake,thenturnedandranbackalongthecorridor,holleringasshewent.Slowly,theagentsloweredtheirweapons.Alicesmelledsomethingacrid;noticingascorchmarkonherbodice,shebrushedatitand—
Abruptly,Danielcaughtherhandinhis.“Mrs.Blakeney,”hesaidinatautvoice.“Youhavebeenharmed.”
“It’snothing,”Aliceassuredhim,butasshelookedupherbloodchilledatthesightofhisexpression,sostill,hiseyesgonesilverwithfury.
Ohdear,shethought.
“StarkthornCastleisproudtoofferthebest,mostauthenticentertainment,”Frederickwassayingcheerfully.“Anelevatedheartrate,asingedbodice,andasmanythrillsasyou—eee!”
ThebuttofDaniel’spistolslammingintohistemplecausedhimtosquealfortheshortdurationofhispassagetotheground,ajourneythatendedinunconsciousness.Theagentsregardedhisheapedformwithcooldistaste.
“Ithinkyouaresupposedtosaysomethingpithyatthismoment,”Aliceadvised.
Danielfrownedslightly.“Suchas?”
“Thejigisup,”cameavoicebehindthem.
Turning,theysawMissDarlingtonstridealongthecorridorwithavigorsurprisinginonesoencumberedbylace,pleats,puffs,andpearlsthatthefactofherevenremaininguprightwasremarkable.Herwalkingsticktappingagainstthefloorsoundedeerilylikeamatronlytsk-tsk.BehindherlumberedJakeJacobsen,whomighthavebeendescribedashershadowwereitnotfortheconsiderablesubstanceofhisbody.AndbehindhimcameMrs.Rotunder,bringinguptherearwithadresswhosebustlemadeherownrearseemenormous.
“Surelyitwouldbemoreappropriatetosaythejigisdown,”Alicecountered,“sinceFrederickisontheground.”
Danielliftedhishandwiththeguninitandpressedthethumbknuckleagainsthisbrow,whereaheadachelurkedmenacingly.“IbelieveMissDarlingtonisreferringtoourcoverbeingblown,”hesaid.
“Iamindeed,”thepirateladyconfirmed.“Youmadeagoodeffort,buttobeproper,afterrenderingFrederickunconsciousyoushouldhaveimmediatelyrobbedhim.”
“Wewerejustaboutto,”Alicetried—butMissDarlingtonshookherheadpityingly.
“It’snouse,dear.There’salsothefactyoudidnotjoininthemeleeintheartgallery.”
“Andyoutakeyourteawithoutsugar,”Mrs.Rotunderadded.
“Andyoudon’tstandlikepirates.”
“OrknowabouttheGreatPeril.”
“Orhaveenoughluggage.”
“Orevertriedtoassassinateanyofus.”
“Andneitherofyouwearsperfume.”
“Nottomentiongettingfriskyonthefloorofyourbedchamberinsteadofthebed,”Mrs.Rotunderconcluded.“Apiratewouldnever!”
“Er.”MissDarlingtonveryovertlydidnotlookatherhusband.“Exactlyright,Gertrude.Shockingbehavior!Besides,younglady,IrealizedwhatyouwerethemomentIsawthebutterflyonyourhat.Asifapiratewouldbecaughtdeadwithsuchridiculousheadwear.”
ShenudgedJake,wholaughedobligingly.(Andsuchwasthedegreeofhisloveforherthathedidn’tlook,notevenforthemerestsecond,atherpurple,ostrich-feathered,lace-swathedturban.)
AliceandDanielexchangedawearyglance.Then,asone,theyraisedtheirgunsatMissDarlington.
Sherolledhereyes.“Dearme,howtedious.ThisillustrateswhatIwassayingbefore,Jake.”
“What’sthat,mydear?”Jakeasked,smilingtenderlyather.
“Ifonlytheauthoritiestrainedtheiroperativestohaveasenseofimagination,theymightenjoymoresuccessinovercomingpiracy.Asitis,thesepoortwosoulsweresentherelikelambstotheslaughter.Notethemstandingtherebeforeus,wretchedlyvulnerable.”
“Madam,”Alicesaid,“pleasenoteweareaiminggunsatyou.”
“Yes,yes,butthosegunshavenotcontainedlivebulletssinceanhourafteryouarrivedinthecastle.Wearepirates,‘Mrs.Blakeney.’Mostofushavebeendealingwithspiesandsecretpolicefordecadeslongerthanyouhavebeenalive.Youdidprovideuswithmuchentertainment,however,sowewon’tkillyou—”
“Youhaveattemptedseveraltimestokillus!”Aliceprotested.
MissDarlingtonbristledwithoutrage.“Wemostcertainlyhavenot.Thatwouldbeuncivil—andworse,boring.Besides,whywouldwewantyoudead?Iamsureyoursuperiorswillpayafineransomtohavetwosuchexpertoperativesreturnedtothem.”
Aliceraisedherchinproudly.“Ourorganizationdoesnotpayransoms.”
Besideher,Danielsighed.“Youprobablyshouldnothavementionedthat,”hemurmured.
“Youdefinitelyshouldnothavementionedthat,”MissDarlingtonsaidwithagrin.“Jake,domeafavorandtiethemup,thenputtheminacupboardsomewheresoIcanenjoyaglassofsherryin—ohlook,they’verun.Howamusing!”
Indeed,AliceandDanielhadtossedasidetheiruselessguns,leapedoverFrederick’sbody,andplungedwithouthesitationintothenearestavailableescaperoute:theballroom.
Andstopped,instantlyoverwhelmed.
ApasodoblewasbeingplayedwithvigorbyabandofSpanishmusiciansJanehadkidnappedfortheevent.Piratesstruttedandswirledinpairsaroundthepolishedfloor,theirjewelsandswordhiltsglintinginthechandelierlight,theirfrothyskirtscreatingamaelstromofcolorthatsearedacrossAlice’svision.Shetookadeepbreath,tryingtosteelherself.
Icandothis,sheaverredsilently.Iamaprofess…
Thewordsdisintegratedwithintheturgidswirlingmassofcolorandsound.Foroneterrifyingmomentsheherselfbecamenothingmorethanabluroflight,guitarstrums,brighttwirlingdresses,namelessandwithoutreason.
Thenpaingraspedher,hardandsharp.Lookingupdazedly,shesawDaniel’sbrief,unemotivesmile.Heheldherhandsotightly,theirfingersturnedscarlet.
“MissDearlove?”
Shegavehimabrisk,professionalnod.
Lettinggoofherhand,hebegantoremovehisjacket.Alicetuggedontheemergencyreleaseribbonofherskirt.Theheavy,layeredmaterialparted,revealingaruffled,redsatinpetticoatbeneathand,peekingoutfromunderitsflouncedhem,high-heeledanklebootsembroideredwithlibra,anincantationphrasetohelphermaintainherbalance.Evenjustthesightofthosebootsmadeherfeelstronger.Kickingtheskirtsaside,sheraisedherchintofacetheballroomwithdetermin…
No,stillwithavast,tremblingsenseofoverstimulation.Fiddlesticks.
ThenDanielgraspedherhandagain.Assheswungaroundtofacehim,hepressedhisotherhandfirmlyagainstherupperback.
Theireyesmet.Chandelierlightflashedbetweenthem,andthemusicbeatfast,imperative.
“IneverthoughtI’dsaythis,butshallwedance?”Danielsuggested.
“Ifearthereisnohopeforitafterall,”Alicesaidwitharegretfulwince.
Heshruggedoneshoulder.“Frankly,theyhaditcoming.”
Theysmackedtheirheelsagainstthefloor,bringingthemintorhythmwiththemusic.Danielsmiled,andawholeparagraphofinterestingFrenchliteratureburstthroughAlice’sheart.
“Stop!”shoutedJakeJacobsenashelurchedintotheballroom.“Police!”
Pirateheadsinstantlyturned.Butthemusicians,inindomitableSpanishfashion,sensingamomentofpassion,intensifiedtheirplayingatonce.DanieldancedAlicebackwardacrossthefloor.Mr.Rotunderrushedatthem,wavinghiswoodenarm.Withoutevenglancingthepirate’sway,DanielliftedAlice’shandinhis,whileatthesametimeloweringhisotherhandtoherhiptospinher.
Theredpetticoatswoopedaroundherlegs.ShethrustoutwithherfreearmandeffectedabriskkaratechoptoMr.Rotunder’sneck.Ashestumbled,shespunagainbeneathDaniel’sarm,broughtherfootup,andplanteditsbootheelwithforceagainstthepirategentleman’smidriff.Hewentdownwithathud(andaclatter)thatshookthefloor.
AlicecompletedherspinandDanielcaughther,turnedthemtogether,anddancedthemthroughagapinthecrowd.Mrs.Etterlyattemptedtostoptheirprogress,butAlicekickedbackward,herbootheelsmackingintothewoman’slegs.ThensheandDanielspun,andheappliedafisttoMrs.Etterly’swaist(causinghimmorepainthanthelady,dueto
DanielandAlicespunagain.Theyclaspedhandsandfixedacenteroffocuswithintheircalm,mutualgaze.Dancingaroundtheheapoffallenladies,theymadeforanopendooratthefarendofthechamber.
BloodhoundBessrushedbehindthem,swordraised.Daniel,sensingthewoman’sapproach(possiblyduetoherfurioushollering),releasedAliceandturned.
“Pardonme,”hesaiddisapprovingly,thengraspedBess’swrist,twisted,andcaughttheswordasshedroppedit.Heflippedthegriparoundhishandwithunthinkingprofessionalgracebeforethrustingtheblade’spointintothepolishedwoodenfloor.Thebladeshuddered.BessdidnothaveevenamomenttoreactbeforeDanieltuggedthepuffedbrimofherheaddressdownoverhereyesandshovedheraway.
Asecondlaterhehadturnedback,takenholdofAlice,andpropelledherintoanewspin.Armextended,fistcomingintoplay,shefelledtwomorepirates,andtheyhitthefloorintimewithafervidbeatofmusic.Danielgatheredhertohimoncemore,andAlicelockedherhandwithhis.Taptapwentherheelsastheyskippedforward.Thesenseofoverwhelmhadgone.Oldtrainingroutinestookpossessionofhernervoussystem,andshefeltlikeshecoulddancethenightaway.
“I’veneverknownawomanascompetentasyou,”Danieltoldherovertherushing,rollickingmusic.
Alicethrilledatthiseffusivecompliment.“Youalsoareproficienttoanadmirabledegree,”shereplied.
Heliftedher,andshesetherarmaroundhisshoulders,andastheyturnedinamutualdreamofabsoluteprofessionalism,heroutflunglegsknockedEssieSmith,LysanderSmith,MillietheMonster,andapassingwaiteralltotheground.Thelightswirled,shimmeringwithathousandtinyreflectionsofcrystalandglass,stirringthesceneintooneoffairyglamour.Themusicspiraledtowardacrescendo.Itwasaperfectmoment.
FinallyDanielsetheronherfeetandtheyfledtheballroomintothecorridorbeyond.Behindthem,voicesroaredasacounterpointtothemusicasthepiratesrealizedthechasewason.
“Left,”Danielsaidtersely.
Theyturnedasharpcorner.Servantscarryingtraysofchampagneglasseshurriedaside,theirloadstremblingperilously.
“Right,”Danielsaid.Theyturnedanothercorner.“Left,”heorderedalmostimmediately.Descendinganarrow,shadowedstairwell,theydidnotdareglancebackasthesoundofpursuitragedbehindthem.Itwassurprisinglytuneful.Apparentlythepirateswerenotonlymakingchasebuthadbroughtthemusicianswiththem.
Arrivingatthefootofthestairwell,theypausedbrieflyasDanielconsultedhismindmap.“Left,”hesaid,andtheysetoffdownalongcorridor.
“IsthatroomaheadofuswhatIthinkitis?”Aliceasked,notingacloseddoor.
Danielflashedherasmile.“IthoughtabouthowJanewascarryingbookswhenshereappearedaftertakingtheweaponfromstorage.AndIrealizedtheoneplacewe’venotyetsearchedis—”
“—thelibrary,”Alicejoinedhiminsaying.
Theyincreasedtheirpace.Afuriousclatterofshoeheels,curses,anddrumbeatsechoedfromthestairwellasthepiratesgainedonthem.
“Faster!”Danielurged.
“Hi-yah!”
Suddenly,MissDarlington’smaid,Competence,leapedfromasidecorridorintotheirpath.Grim-faced,shewieldedabroomineachhand.
DanielandAlicehaltedbeforeher.Theystareddumbstruckasshespunherweaponswithsuchferocitytheyseemedtoblur.Herfeetjumpedbackandforthbeneathherplainblackdress,andthelongyellowfeatheronhermobcapswooped.Finallyshestopped,settingthebroomsatasharpangletocrosseachother,anddisplayingafiercegrimacebetweenthem.
Danielsteppedforwardcalmlyandpunchedherintheface.
Shedroppedwithaclatterofbroomhandlestothefloor.
“Howcliché,”Danielsaidindisapproval.
Aliceraisedaneyebrowathim.
“What?”hesaiddefensively.“Itwaspithy.”
“Ibelieveitshouldalsohavebeenwitty.”
Hegaveheralooksoexpressionless,soimpeccablybland,Aliceverynearlyswooned.Butshe’dalreadymadeamessofthismissionandwasdeterminedtobemoresensiblefromhereon.DanielBixby’scoolself-controlwouldnotbethefocusofherattention,anymorethanhisdeep-seeingeyes,orhismagnificentlyhonedphysique,orthoseforearms,which—
No,theimportantthingwastheQueen’slife(andcompletingthemissionwithdistinction)(andstayingalive)(andthethick,darklashesfringingDaniel’s—no!thesecurityoftherealm).SteppingoverCompetence’ssemiconsciousbody,shecontinuedontowardthelibrary,Danielclosebehind.
“Stop!”
“Fiends!”
“Blighters!”
Aliceglancedbackassheranandsawthepirateshadspilledinajumblefromthestairwellintothecorridor.TheirshoutswerenotdirectedatherandDaniel,however,butateachotherastheywrestledandshovedtogetprecedence.Weaponsweredrawn,hatsflew.Ashutteredlacefanshotdownthecorridor,sparksflying.Danielopenedthelibrarydoor,steppedbackinagentlemanlymannertoallowAliceprecedence,thenenteredbehindher,turningtolockthedoor.Shadowyquietfilledthescene.
Alicehadcometoanabrupthalt,herbreathvanishing.
Ared-haired,fashionablydressedwomanstoodinthemiddleoftheroom,cradlinganinfantinonearm.Theotherarmwasextendedbeforeher,apearl-handledrevolverinherlace-glovedgrip.ShepointeditdirectlyatAlice’sheart
“CeciliaBassingthwaite,”Alicesaidtonelessly.
Thewomanraisedonefine,terrifyingeyebrow.
Andthepiratesbegantothumpagainstthelibrarydoor.19acameoappearance—trapped—mayhem!murder!dust!—personaltalk—imaginativeregrets—intothedarkchambersofdejectionreturned
Alice’simpressionofCeciliaBassingthwaiteresembledtheeternalrocksbeneathawoodland:asourceoflittlevisibledelight,butnecessarytobehold,consideringthatanymomentnowtheinfamouspiratemightshootherdead.MissBassingthwaitelookedagreatdealmorevividthanherportrait,althoughthismayhavebeenduetothesilverylightreflectingfromhergunontoherelegantvisage.Aliceimmediatelysensedthat,whilethepiratesshe’dbeendealingwiththisweekweredeadly,Ceciliawasdeadlyserious,andthatrepresentedawholenewlevelofthreat.
Behindher,Danielturnedand,uponnoticingthepirate,said,“Hm,”inamildtone.
“Bixby!”
Blinking,AlicedaredtoglanceawayfromCeciliatowhereahandsomeblondmanarosefrombehindadeskfartherbackinthelibrary,hishandsfilledwithcheckbooksandgoldpens.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”themanasked,grinningasiftheywerestandingatthecounterofacoffeeshop,awaitingtheirturntorobit.
Thethumpingontheothersideofthedoorgrewlouder,causingtheman’sgrintotiltwrylyincomprehension.“Ah,Isee.Cecilia,sweetheart,it’sprobablynotadvisabletoshootBixby.Alexmightbealittleputoutifyoukillhisbutler.”
“IamnolongerinCaptainO’Riley’semployment,”Danieladvised,themildreproachinhisvoicesuggestingthathedeemeditentirelyproperforCeciliatogoaheadandshoothimunderthecircumstances.
“Evenso.”ThemanturnedhisgrintoAlice,whorockedonherheelsasifshe’dbeenstruckbyacannonballofsparklingdelights.Wereshecarryingapurse,she’dhanditovertothisfellowwithoutasecondthought.Hisblueeyesglintedasifheknewitverywell.“Andwhoisyourcompanion,mayIask?”
Danieldidnottakeasmall,protectivestepclosertoAlice,buthesoclearlyfeltonethattheairshiftedbetweenthem,andtheblondman’ssmilequirked.
“MissDearlove,”Danielsaidinarigidvoice,“allowmetopresentMissCeciliaBassingthwaiteandCaptainNedLightbourneof—well—ofwherevertheywanttogo,quitefrankly.InadditiontobeingablightonthelawfulpeaceofEngland,MissBassingthwaiteenjoysreadingandCaptainLightbournehasatalentfordance.Miss,Captain,thisisMissDearlove,myprofessionalacquaintance.”
“Isthatwhatyou’recallinghernow?”
EveryoneturnedtoseeCharlotteentertheroomthroughasecretdoorwayinthewallofbookshelves.ShethrewDanielsuchaknowinglookitcouldhavebeenawardedamaster’sdegreefromOxfordUniversity.BehindhercameAlex,wincingwithcautionashepulledacobwebfromhiswife’shairbeforeshenoticed.Uponseeingtheoccupantsintheroom,hiseyesflashedwithanemotionsointense,yetsoindescribable,itwouldhavebeenexpelledfromuniversityinitsfirstterm.ImmediatelyhestrodeacrosstoCecilia,hisweaponsglintingbeneaththeheavyshadowofhiscoat,hishigh,buckledbootsthuddingagainstthewoodenfloor.Withoutaword,heremovedtheinfantfromherhold.
“Ahoythere,Evangeline,”hesaid,andliftingthegolden-hairedchild,hekissedeachtiny,bootie-coveredfootemergingfromherwhitelacegown.“Coochywoochycoo.”
Ceciliaclosedhereyesbriefly,shakingherhead.“Youknowwearedeterminedagainstusingbabytalk,Alex.”
Hegrinnedather.“?‘Coochywoochycoo’isformalIrish,”hesaid,andblewaraspberryagainstEvangeline’stummy.Shelaughedandtriedtostealhisearring.
Suddenly,thelibrarydoorshudderedviolently,splintersflying.AlicefoundherselfbeingshovedasidebyDaniel,lessthanasecondafterwhichthedoorflungopen,crashedagainstthewall—and,asMrs.Rotunderbegantoleadthechargeintotheroom,slammedbackinherface.Amomentofstunnedsilencefollowed,duringwhicheveryoneinthelibrarystaredatthedoorinwaryastonishment.Thenthehandleturned,andthedoorglidedquietlyajar.Ladiesjostledtoenter.
“Ahoy!”MissDarlingtondeclared.Thenhereyeswidened.“Cecilia!”
“Cecilia!”chorusedtheotherpiratesinjoy.
(“AndNed,”CaptainLightbournecalledout,waving,buteveryoneignoredhim.)
“YoubroughtTheBaby!”Mrs.Rotundersaiddelightedly.
AnotherscufflebrokeoutasladiesbegantorushtowardEvangelinewithsuchbabbledcriesofcoochycooandittybittyprettythateventhebabyseemedaghast.Nedstrodeforwardtotakeherbeforethesuddenlypale-facedAlexcoulddrawhisswordinawild,overprotectiveinstinct.Evangelinereachedforherfather,nestlingagainsthisbroadshoulderashemurmuredsoothingwords.
“Stop!”Ceciliasaidinaclear,ringingvoice.Sheraisedherguninbothhands,andtheladiesstaggeredtoashockedhalt.
“Itissoverylovelytoseeyouall,”shesaid.“However,Irequireyoutostepback.CaptainLightbourneandIarehereonbusiness,andIwillregretfully(butunhesitatingly)shootanyonewhogetsinourway.”
“Ifyou’vecomefortheweapon,”Mrs.Rotundersaid,“youshouldknowthisroomhasalreadybeensearched.It’snotinhere.”
“Weapon?”JaneFairweather’stremulous,high-pitchedvoicerosefromsomewherewithinthecrowd.“Goodnessme,whatweapon,haha?”
Everyoneintheroom,includingAliceandDaniel,rolledtheireyes.
“Thankyou,Mrs.Rotunder,”Ceciliasaid,“butIbeholdwithperfectclaritytheweaponofwhichyouspeak.”
Thepirateslookedaroundexcitedly.Alice,however,keptherfocusonCecilia.Theyoungpiratehadloweredhergunandturnedtowardtheleftsideoftheroom.Followinghergaze,Alicesawonlyawallofbooks,apurplevelvetarmchair,andasmallroundtableuponwhichstoodamarblebustofthepoetWordsworth,decoratedwithablackbowtie.Aboveit,snagginghervision,ablackthreadhunguntidilyfromthejoinlinebetweenceilingpanels.
Allatonce,herthoughtsrushedtogetherwithsuchspeedtheyseemedtomeetinstantaneously.SherememberedfindingavolumeofWordsworth’spoetrythathadbeentossedbehindthesofainJane’ssittingroom…rememberedthemarblebustoriginallybeinginthestoreroomfromwhichJaneandFrederickhadremovedtheweapon…andrememberedtheflattenedcakethathadsodistressedthecastle’sbutler..
Ceciliasteppedforward,reachingforthemarblebust.
…AndAlicesawagaininhermind’seyetheincongruoussmatteringofcrumbsonthekitchenceilingabovethatflattenedcake.Evenbeforesheunderstoodthevision,shewasmovinginresponsetoit.Ignoringshoutsfromothersintheroom,shebashedintoCeciliajustastheyoungpirateplacedahandonWordsworth’snoblehead.Bothwomenslammedtothefloor.
Cra—!
Click.
HuddlingprotectivelyatopCecilia,Alicefeltagentleshowerofdustsprinkleontoherback.Shetensed,butnothingfurtherhappened.
“No!”Janecriedoutinanguish.
Tiltingherheadup,Alicenotedoneoftheceilingpanelshadcracked.ThensheglancedatWordsworth,tumbledonthefloor.Thedanglingthread,oncloserinspectionactuallyaribbon,nowlayacrosshisface,lendingthepoetarumpledmustachethatmadehimappearfarmoredashingthanhe’deverhaveappreciated.
Bbbrrmmbbbrrmmbbbrrmmmm!!
Sheduckedherheadagain—butexperiencednothingworsethanthesoundofMissDarlington’sstridentcommand:“Givethese?orbackhisdrum,Mrs.Ogden!”
“Ijustthoughtthemomentrequiredadrumroll,”Mrs.Ogdenmurmuredcontritely.
“Ahem,”cameasoft,politevoicecloserathand.
AliceblinkeddownatCecilia.“Oh.Sorry.Idobegyourpardonfortheinconvenience,”shesaid.
“Itisquiteallright,”thepiraterepliedamiably.“IhavethesamereactionmyselftoWordsworth.Butwouldyoumindgettingupnow?Thereareseveraldaggersandababy’sbottlestoredinmybustle,andthey’reratherdiggingintome.”
“Ofcourse.”AlicehastenedtoherfeetandassistedCeciliatostandalso,guidingherawayfromthecrackedpanelatthesametime.ThenNedarrived,touchinghiswife’sarm.
“Allright?”heaskedquietly.
“Yes,”Ceciliasaid,reachingouttostrokeEvangeline’shairbeforesmoothingbackaloosestrandofherown.Sheglancedup,directingNed’sgazetotheceiling;hemaintainedaplacidexpression,butangerdarkenedhiseyes.
“It’sfine,”Ceciliasaid,layingahandagainsthischest.“ThankstoMissDearlove,Iamwell.”
“MissDearlove,hey?”MissDarlingtoninterjected,hereyesnarrowing.ShepointedherwalkingstickatAlice.“Justwhatisgoingonhere,gel?”
AlicelookedtoDaniel.Hefrownedslightly,whichsheinterpretedtomean,Youmightaswellinformthemofourbusiness,sincetheonlyhopenowforussurvivingthepiratichordeistopersuadethemyoudidnotjustassaultCeciliaBassingthwaitebutinfactsavedherlife—althoughIdosuggestyoutalkfastandgetreadytorun.Sheopenedhermouthtoconveythegistofthis—
“Itwasme!”Janeinterruptedwithadesperateshout.
Everyoneturnedtostareather.Sheflushed,nudgingherlittleroundspectacleshigheruponhernoseinafutileefforttohidethecrimsonwashofemotion.“Iluredyouallhereunderfalsepretenses.”
Ashockedgaspburstfromthecompany.
“Theweapondoesnotexist!”shedeclared.
Anothergasp.
“QueenVictoriaissafeafterall!”
Silence;afewshrugs.
Janestiffenedhershoulderswithdetermination.“IfeltcertainCeciliawouldguessmysupposedweaponinvolvedWordsworth.SheandIhavelongdiscussedhisgenius.Debatedit.Hadswordduelsatsunriseoverit.Whenshedidnotattendtheparty,IbadeFrederickhidethebustawayagain,incaseitbecamedamagedinoneofthegames.ButthenwordarrivedthatCecilia’scottagehadbeenseenflyingnearby.SoIbroughtoutthebustoncemore,resettheplan,andwaitedfordearestCeciliatosuccumbtomymurderoustrap.”
Cecilialookedathercoolly.“Ialwaysknewyoutobetrulydegenerate.”
Jane’seyesshonewithtearsasshepressedahandtoherheart.Bemused,AliceconsultedherinnermanualofFacialExpressions,forshethoughttheladylookedpleasedbyCecilia’swords,andsurelythatcouldnotberight.Butshefoundthemanualburned,mangled,andwithapiratedaggerstabbedrightthrough.Thesepeopleweresimplybeyondcomprehension.
“IknewIcouldrelyonyou,Cecilia,”Janecontinued.“TheverysecondyoutookholdofWordsworth’snobleform,thepanelaboveshouldhavecollapsed,alongwithseveralweightsstoredinthecrawlspace.”Sheeyedtheceilingwithannoyance.“You’dhavebeeninstantlykilled—assassinatedbyme,infrontofourpeers!Iwouldatlastsucceedyouasthemostdaring!themostdangerous!themostnefarious!pirateofourSociety!!”
Alicewaitedforthecompanytogaspyetagain,butatautsilencefollowedthisspeech.Cecilia’sexpressionwasinscrutable.Ned’sjawtwitched.
“AndwhatifIhadbeenholdingEvangelineatthetime?”Ceciliainquiredmildly.
Jane’sblushreignited.“Why,I’dhavestoppedyou,ofcourse!Iwouldneverharmachild.‘Trailingcloudsofglorydowecome/FromGodwhoisourhome:/Heavenliesaboutusinourinfancy!’?”
Ceciliaraisedoneofthoseperilouseyebrows.Aliceheldherbreath,anticipatingexplosions.Outofthecornerofhereye,shesawhandsgripswordhiltsallabouttheroom.
Then—
“Welldone,Janedear!”Ceciliadeclaredwithasmile.“Suchanexcellentscheme!Iamnaturallygladit’sexecution(pardonme)didnotsucceed,butIcannotfaultyourinventiveplanning.AndIamtrulyhonoredthatyou’dtrytokillme.”
Janeloweredhereyesshyly.“Ionlyeverwantedtobeyourfriend—andmurderyou,too,ofcourse.”
“Ofcourse,”Ceciliasaid.
“Thereisalsothesmallmatterofafortunebeingonyourhead,”Janecontinued.(“Idiom,”DanielwhisperedtoAlice,savingherfromamomentofsignificantconfusion.)“IamdeterminedthefortunesoftheBassingthwaitesofStarkthornCastleshallberestored,evenifIhavetosellheirloomsandstealfrommyguests”(indignantcriesofExcuseme?andWellInever!arosefromthecrowd)“andtakeupanumberofcontractsonyourlife,dearestCecilia.”
“Completelyunderstandable,”Ceciliareplied.“IshallassistyouhoweverIcan—er,notbyofferingmyselfupformurder,youunderstand,butIcanrobabankortwoifthatwouldhelp.”
Shesteppedforward,andasJaneopenedherarmstowelcomeanembrace,insteadtookonehandandshookit.Jane’sotherhandfloppedawkwardlydown,butshesmiledasifshewasnotinthatverymomententertainingnewschemesforassassination.
Cheersrangoutfromthecrowd.Alice’sbrainspuninconfusion.ThepirateswerehappyJanehadtriedtokillCecilia?ShelookedinstinctivelyagainforDaniel,needinghissteadinessandgoodsense—onlytofindhimstaringexpressionlessintothemiddledistanceasifrefusingtoacknowledgetheexistenceofthescenebeforehim.
“Thiscallsforsherry!”Mrs.Rotunderdeclared.
“Hurrah!”thecrowdagreed.
Nedsteppedforthand,masterfullyavoidingadozeneager,grandmotherlyhands,presentedEvangelinetoMissDarlington.Shehesitated,lookingforalltheworldlikehewastryingtohandherasackofinfestedopossums.Reachingout,shepattedthechild’shead,thenclickedherfingersperemptorily.Atonce,Jakewasatherside.HetookEvangelineinthecrookofonemassivearm,MissDarlingtonsetherhandonhisotherarm,andtheyproceededtowardthedoor.
AlicesawCeciliacastNedanamusedbutwearylook.Thensuddenly,withoutwarning,thered-hairedpiratewasstaringdirectlyather.Alice’ssenseswentimmediatelytobattlestations.
ButCeciliasmiled.“Thankyouagain,MissDearlove.”
“Justdoingmyduty,”sherepliedbrusquely.
Cecilia’ssmilesoftened,asifshesawrightthroughAlice’sdisguiseandratherlikedwhatshefoundthere.Impossible!Aliceurgentlystampeddowntheideaanditsattendantshadowoflonging.Afterall,A.U.N.T.hadworkedonherfortwodecadestoensureshewasneitherseennorliked.
ButCeciliawentonwithruthlessgoodwill:“Anytimeyouwish,youarewelcometovisitmeandborrowabookfrommylibrary.”
Besideher,Nedwidenedhiseyeswithamazement.Alicefelttheshadowoflonginggrowstronger,andshesuppresseditsodefinitivelythistimethatthestone-coldlookshegaveCeciliamadethepiratetakeastepback.Theyexchangedpolitenods,murmured,“Goodevening,”andCeciliamovedaway.Aliceinhaledwithregretreliefand—
Crash!
Abruptlytheceilingpanelcollapsed,sendingoakandbricksthunderingdown.Wordsworthshatteredintoathousandpieces.Dustbillowed.Alicebarelyhadenoughtimetoinwardlyexclaimafiddlestickbeforeshefoundherselfbeingyankedbackagainstahardsurface—namely,thefullfrontalregionofDanielBixby’sbody.Ashisarmclampedprotectivelyaroundher,shesaidafondfarewelltoherbreathingprocess,butthiswasasmalllosscomparedwiththegainsmadebyhernerves.Theywerealivewithexcitement.
Butthedustclearedwithadisappointingrapidity,whereuponDanielreleasedher,murmuringanapology.Everyoneprovedtobeunharmed;indeed,thepirateswereregardingthehorrifyingmesswithprofessionalinterest.
“Well,thatcertainlywouldhavebeeneffectivehadthetimingworked,”MissDarlingtonremarked.
“I’mimpressed,”Ceciliaadded.
“Soall’swellthatendswell,”Mrs.Rotundersaid,brushingdustfromherbodice.“Nowweneedanewentertainment.”
Silenceslammeddownwithevenmoreterrifyingforcethantheceilinghaddone.ThepiratesturnedasonetoregardAliceandDaniel.
“Ladies,”Ceciliachided.“MissDearlovejustsavedmylife.”
TheyimmediatelypivotedtostudyCharlottewiththesamecalculatingstare.
Thewitchraisedherchin.“Yes?”sheasked,fearless.
“Wearejustwondering,dear,”Mrs.Rotundersaidinagenteel,grandmotherlyvoice,“howmuchofaheadstartwouldyoulike?”
Charlottepausedtoconsiderthis,butbeforeshecouldreply,Alexdrewhisbrutallylongsword,grabbedCharlottearoundthewaist,andescapedwithherintothesecretpassageway.Asthebookcaseslammedshutbehindthem,thepiratesshooktheirheadswithdisapproval.
“Suchmanlyheroicsforthesakeofawitch,”Mrs.Rotundermuttered.“AndinfrontofTheBaby,too.”
“Nowwhatdowedo?”Mrs.Ogdengrumbled.
TherefollowedawhooshofsilkandhatfeathersaseveryoneturnedagaintostareattheA.U.N.T.agents.
“We’lltakeafive-minuteheadstart,”Danielsaidpromptly.
Mrs.Rotundergesturedatthelibrary’sopendoor.“Byallmeans,Mr.Blakeney.Goodevening,Mrs.Blakeney.Wewishyouwellinyourendeavorstoescapeourterrifyingpursuit.”
Withoutlooking,DanieltookAlice’shand.Theywalkedthroughthecrowd,eyesforward,breathinabeyance.Notonepiratemoved,butthesilenceseemedtoechowithapromiseofscreamsanddrawnswords.Exitingthelibrary,Danielshutthedoorbehindthem,andtheyimmediatelybegantorun.
“Tothemissionhouse!”Alicedirected.
“No,wewouldn’tgetthereinourtwo-minuteheadstart,”Danielargued.
“Buttheygaveusfiveminutes.”
Daniellaughedbrusquely.
Asecondlater,thelibrarydoorburstajar.20thechase—danieliscaptivated—liesandillogic—takingamomenttoappreciateart—danielresortstomathematics
Piratesarealmostalwaysbetterthantheirneighborsthinktheyare.Theyattendchurch(doyourealizehowmanysilvercandlestickholdersandgoldenplatesareinachurch?).Theyrespectthelaw(asonedoesrespectapowerfulenemy).Andtheycanbecountedon(todothewrongthing).
Astheyspilledintothecorridorfourminutesandthirtysecondsbeforetheheadstartwascompleted,achorusofTallyho!announcedthatthehuntwason—forwhilepiratesmightembodyShakespeare’s“tothineownselfbetrue,”theycheerfullyskippedthe“thoucanstnotthenbefalsetoanyman”part.
Danielcouldnothelpbutfeelarushofexhilarationastheladiesroaredinpursuit.Dangerwas,afterall,whathehadbeenconstructedfor.Evenasheran,hecalculatedrisks,scannedforpotentialweapons,andconsultedhismentalmapforthebestescaperoutes.TheWisteriaSocietymightbewickedvillains,buthewassomethingfarmoredangerous—aprofessionalhero.Theywouldnotcatchhim.AndhewouldkilleverysingleoneofthembeforetheyeventouchedAlice.
Thenameflutteredsoftly,likefine,rose-scentedfingers,beneathhisheart.Healmoststumbled.Alice?SincewhenhadAgentA,MissDearlove,rivalandmissionassociate,becomeAlice?Andwhydidhispulseshiverwhenheglancedather,seeingseverallocksofhairtumblefromhercoiffureasshewithdrewtheminiaturedaggerconcealedtherein?
Ashadowloomedatthecornerofhiseyeandhelookedoverjustintimetorealizehewasabouttocollidewithatallvaseattheedgeofthecorridor.Focusonwhereyouaregoing,heremindedhimselfsternly.
Alicereachedinsideherbodicetowithdrawanotherdagger.
Hecrashedintoastatue.
“Areyouallright?”Aliceasked,glancingathim.
“Left,”hesnappedinresponse.Theyturnedintoanarrowcorridorleadingtoariseofstairs,andDanielpushedAliceaheadofhim.Herredpetticoatswirledaroundherlikea—a—redswirlything.Herhairfellcompletelyfromitspinsinthemannerof—of—
Damn.Healmostwishedforthepiratestocatchhimbeforetheurgetoromanticallysimilizecompletelydestroyedhisbrain
Besides,AliceDearlovewastrulyincomparable.
“Left,”hesaidagainatthetopofthestairs.Astheyran,thepursuersshoutedadvice:
“Justgiveup!”
“Surrender!”
“Atleastslowdown,I’mgettingtoooldforthiskindofthing!”
Buttheirvoiceswerediminishing,andDanielbegantothinkescapewasjustaroundthecorner.
Thenheturnedthecorner.
“Damn,”hesworewithuncharacteristicpassion,comingtoahaltashestaredatthedeadendaheadofthem.
“Well,that’sanuisance,”Aliceremarked.“Andnodoor,nowindow,toescapethrough.”
“Aaaaaahhhh!!”addedtheapproachingmob.
Turningtofacethewaytheyhadcome,Alicesetherfeetapartandspunthetinydaggersinherhands.Danielhimselfhadnoknives,andthespareguninhisconcealedholsterwasobviouslyuselessifMissDarlingtonhadbeentellingthetruthaboutstealingtheirbullets.Buthedidhavehisbarehands,whichwereregisteredweapons(thepaperworkhadtakenhimhours).HeandAlicedidnotneedtoglanceateachothertoshareabattleplan.
GoDownFighting.
Alicesquintedassheaimedherdaggeratanimaginedfoe,thenspunitagainwithcasualproficiencyandusedthetiptoscratchathereyebrow.Danielconsideredwhetherhehadenoughtimetopushheragainstthewallandkissheruntiltheybothswooned.
Thefloorbegantotremble.Thehordewasgrowingcloser.Probablyno,inthatcase.Hetookastepforward.
Suddenlyapanelinthewallswungajar.Ahandemerged,beckoning.
“Quick,”someoneurgedfromtheshadows.“Inhere!”
ImmediatelyDanielgraspedAlice’sarmandsentherthroughthedoorway,hurryinginbehindher.Theyfoundthemselvesinatiny,bareroomonlyjustdiscernibleinthefaintlightcomingthroughtheopendoor.
“Thankyou,”hewhisperedtotheirrescuer.
“Mypleasure,”themysteriousfiguresaid.Thensheshutthedoor—havingfirstexitedthroughit.
Darknessclampeddown.
“I’vegotthem!”therescuervillainshouted.“They’reinhere!”
Danielcursedbeneathhisbreath.Howcouldhehavebeensostupidastotrustsomeoneinapirate’shouse?
Jostlinghimaside,Alicecroucheddown.Danielheardascrapingnoise,thensherose.
“I’vejammedadaggerbeneaththedoor,”sheexplainedinawhisper.“Butitwon’tkeepthemoutforlong.”
Evenbeforeshefinishedspeaking,thedoorshudderedasthepiratestestedhertheory.
“Letusin,”Mrs.RotundercalledoutinavoiceassweetasMrs.Kew’stea.“Weonlywanttochat!”
“Chatyourightofftheplank,”Millieadded,chuckling.
“Millie!”Mrs.Rotundertskedwithexasperation.“I’mtryingtofoolthemintoafalsesenseofsecurity.”
“They’respies,notidiots,”Millieretorted.“Well,notcompleteidiots.”
“Fairpoint,”Mrs.Rotundersaid,andthethumpingagainstthedoorgrewlouder.
Danielbegantoshoveatthewalls.“It’sasecretroom,”hewhisperedtoAlice,“thereforeitmusthaveasecretexit.”
“ThatisafallaciousstatementifeverIheardone,”Alicesaid,butshejoinedhiminhisefforts.“Imustsay,Mr.Bixby,beinginmortalperilisnoexcuseforillogical—”
Shefellabruptlysilent.Gropingthroughthedarknessforher,Danielfeltherhandcatchhis.Shepulledhimforward,andhestumbledwithherintoanewlyopenedspace.Adimlightaboveindicatedshehadfoundasecretstaircase.Danielclosedthedoorbehindthem,Alicewedgedherlastdaggerbeneathit,andtheyhurrieduptowardthelight.
Thud!Thepiratesbrokethroughthefirstdoor.
“Noonehere!”cameashout.“MurielFairweather,you’realiar!”
“Itoldthetruth!”Murielrepliedindignantly.“Theywerehereamomentago.Theymusthavefoundthesecretpassageway!”
“Apiratetellingthetruth?”Thepirateslaughed.
“Howrude!EdwinaOgden,Idemandyouapologize!”Therefollowedthesharpsoundofaswordbeingdrawn.
“I’mawidow,”Mrs.Ogdenreplied.“ThatmeansIneverneedtoapologizeagain!”Anotherswordscrapedfromitsscabbard.
“Engarde!”
“Engarde!”
Metalclanged.
“Takethat,fiend!”
“Becarefulofmyhat!”
Theagentsreachedthetopofthestairsandcautiouslyenteredaroomthatglowedwiththesoftgoldenlightofdimmedgaslamps.Theystaredinconfusionatanassortmentofbeds,rockinghorses,andtallstandingeaselsdisplayingart.Notimmediatelyseeinganexit,theygrabbedpaintbrushesasmakeshiftweaponsandpressedthemselvesagainstthewallateithersideofthehalf-opendoor,listeningtoevaluatethethreatofpursuit.
Thud!Theseconddoorbelowslammedopen.
Theagentsexchangedagrimlookandtightenedtheirgripsonthepaintbrushes
“Morestairs?Really?”cameMrs.Rotunder’scry.
“Iamasfitasthenextperson,”repliedMillietheMonster(atinywomanwhoseagehadlongagogoneforastrollinthemistsoftimeandneverbeenseensince).“Icouldcontinuethispursuitforhours.Butfrankly”—shepausedforaheavingbreath—“ithasbecomeboring.”
“I’dratherbeplayingwithTheBaby,”Murieladded.
“DearestEvangeline!Ihaveneverseenamoreprodigiouschild!”Mrs.Rotunder’svoicefadedasthepiratesbegantoleave.“Onlyfourmonthsold,andyetatluncheonlastweekIlookedawayfornomorethanasecondandshestolemyteaspoon.”
“Ridiculousname,though,”opinedMillie(shortforVerisimilitude).
“It’sfromapoem,apparently,”Mrs.Rotundersaid,andtheresultinglaughterdwindledaway.
DanielexhaledjustasAlicedidthesame.Heclosedthedoor,andnoticingachestofdrawersnearby,theyhauleditovertoserveasabarricade.Thenleaningbackagainstit,theystaredwearilyintothemiddledistance.
“Iamjustsoshocked,”Alicemurmured.
“Oh?”Danielasked,wonderingwhichofthescreamingwomenwithatorch,terrifyingpiratehorde,explodingceiling,orfurtherterrifyingpiratehordehadtroubledherinparticular.
“?‘It’sasecretroom,thereforeitmusthaveasecretexit,’?”shesaid,andshookherhead.“HaveyoureadnoAristotleatall?”
“Therewasasecretexit,”hepointedout.
“Thatisbesidethepoint.”Sheshookherheadagain,asiftryingtosettlethethoughtstherein.“IalsocannotbelieveJaneblewupthelibraryceilinginanefforttokillCeciliaBassingthwaite,andeveryoneapplaudedher.EvenCecilia.”
“Pirates,”hesaid.
“Andtheykeeptigersintheirbedrooms.”
“Justonetiger,”hepointedoutreasonably.
SheimpaledhimwithalookthatoughttohavebeengivenitsownentryintheA.U.N.T.indexofweaponry.“Theyare…are…”Shecastaboutfortheworstinsultpossible.“Utterlyinexplicable.Atleastwecannowleavethisplace,sincetheweapondoesnotexist.Ourmissioniscomplete.WecantakethecottageandbebackinLondonbeforedawn.”
“I’mnotflyingthatallegedbuildingatnight,”Danielcountered.“We’resafehere;weshouldtakeabreak.”
ThatideaperkedAliceupatonce.“Goodidea!Breakwhat,though?Frederick’sbones?Windows?”Shelookedaroundtheroom.“Whereexactlyarewe?”
“Thecastlenursery,Ithink,”Danielsaid.“Butitseemssomeonehasturneditintoanartstudio.”
Driftingovertooneoftheeasels,Alicetiltedherheadasshecontemplatedthelargecharcoalsketchondisplay.Thenshetilteditintheotherdirection.
“Theartistappearstohaveapoorunderstandingofgravity,”shecommented.
Danielwenttostandbesideher.Oneglanceatthesketchandheswalloweddryly,shovinghishandsintohistrouserpockets.“No,Ithinktheyunderstandaltogethertoowell.”
Alicepeeredcloser.“IsthatsupposedtobeJane?”
“Mm-hm.”
“Whyisshewrestlingthatgentleman?He—wait,that’soneoftheBassingthwaites’footmen,isn’tit?Whyishenotwearingtrousers?”
Danielraisedhiseyesheavenward.“MissDearlove,Icannotbelieveyouarethatinnocent.”
Shejumpedbackasifthesketchhadtriedtoassaulther.“Oh.Well,goodnessme.OfcourseIamworldlytothecorrect,ladylikedegree.It’sonly…”Shetiltedherheadagain.“Surelythatisnotnormalpractice?”
Danielregardedtheimagethoughtfully.“Actually,it’snotabnormal,assuch.Justnotverysafeforherneck,Ishouldthink.”
“Well.Fiddlesticks.”Adelicateflushwarmedthefrownonherface,makingherpracticallyluminouswithdisapproval.Daniel’sbraininformedhimterselythathewasstaringatherand,ifhedidnotstop,itwouldsendanofficialcomplainttohisnerves.Heignoredit.
Wasthereamoreexquisitewomaninalltheworldthantheonestandingbeforehim?Ifso,Danielhadnotmether,andneverexpectedto.AliceDearlovedefiedevenhisabilitytofindasuitablequotefromliterature;hecouldonlysayshewase∧(iπ)+1=0infemininephysicalform.Hermouthshapedageneral,silentreproofwithgorgeousperfection.HereyesweresoopulenttheymighthaveinspiredanyamountofpoetrywereDaniel’simaginationcapableofbendingfurtherthan“darkbrown.”Andthememoryofhersoft,creamyskinpressedagainsthisbodyassheattemptedtostranglehimmadehimachewithlonging.Hemovedunthinkingly,helplessly,towardher.
Shetookastepback.
“IhavequestionsabouthowJaneeffectedtheceilingcollapse,”shesaid.“Wemustdebrief.”
“Tomorrow.”Hetookanotherstep,andalthoughshedidnotretreatthistime,herfingerstappedastaccatobeatagainstherthigh.Danielstoppedatonce,swallowingdisappointment.
Thenshebrokehisworldapartandpieceditbacktogetherwithmoltengold:shetookasteptowardhim.Hedrewinabreathhehadn’tknownhe’dbeeninhaling,andalmostchoked.
“Tomorrowit’sover,”hesaid,hisvoicegritty.“Wegobacktoheadquarters,getreassigned.”Gatheringallhiscourage,heofferedadreamindisguise:“Wecouldusetonighttoprofessionallyexpendourresidualmaritalenergy,asawayoftransitioningoutofthemissionrolesofhusbandand—”
HegotnofurtherbeforeAlicegraspedholdofhisshirt,pulledhimagainsther,andgavehimhiswish.Shekissedhimrapaciously,devastatingeverybarricadeandbarbedtraphehadwithin.Sensationbarreledfree,overwhelminghimwithemotions.Itwasallhecoulddonottoweep.Hedesiredherwithsuchintensity,thefacthehadherinhishandsnowwasabombhecouldnotsafelydefuse.Hetriedtopullawaybutwasholdinghertootightlytoescape.
Herhandsroamedhisback,fingernailsdiggingthroughshirtlinen,makingnew,tinythornsamongsthisinkedroses.Thepainwasdelicate,anditstirredhimbeyondlustintodeep,warmfondnessforthewoman.Breakingthekiss,hegazeddownatherlovelyface,tenderlystrokingloosestrandsofhairawayfrom—
Thud.PainburstthroughhimasAliceshovedhimbackagainstawardrobe,hisheadsmackingonthewood.Starsfilledhisvision.
Idiot,hecursedhimself,evenasAliceliftedahandtostrike.Nogoddamnlighttouches.Blockingherattackeffortlessly,heducked,slippingaroundbehindher,andshovedherinturnagainstthewardrobe.Twistingherarmback,hepressedhisbodytoherssoshecouldnotmove.
Shewhimpered.
Andthen—“Harder,”shecommanded.
Everythinginhimwentinstantly,obedientlyhard,evenasheangledherarmfurther.
“Istillhaveahandfree,”shepointedout.
Heloweredhisheadtowhisperinherear.“Youdon’tscareme,Alice.”
Shewentsostillatthesoundofhernameinhismouth,Danielwonderedforamomentifshewasgoingtodetonate.Butthenshegaveasoft,quietsigh.Itseemedtoechotheyearninghefelt,andheclosedhiseyes,benthisbrowtothebackofherhead,asifshewasanaltarhewouldprayon.
“Iscarethelivingdaylightsoutofmyself,”sheconfessed.“Weshouldprobablystop.”
Fine.Thatwasfine.Hehadnoneedtocaressher,norkissherrosymouthuntiltherazor-sharpedgesofhisheartbegantosoften.Heneedednothingatallbutagunandaruletoliveby.Releasingher,hesteppedback—
“Tsk,”shesaid.
Andhefrowned,feelingmorelostthanhe’deverbeeninhislife.“Perhapsyoucouldhelpmeunderstandwhatyouwant?”heasked,tryingtokeephisvoicesteady,nevermindhisheart.
Aliceturnedtofacehim,leaningbackagainstthewardrobe.Herhairwasdisheveled,herfacealmostwhiteintheminglinggaslamp-and-moonlight,exceptwhereshadowslimnedhereyes.Danielcouldhardlyfathomsuchloveliness.
“Iwanttonotberuledbyshouldandought,”shesaid.“Iwant—”Shepaused,thenhuffedabrief,sardoniclaugh.“Iwanttobetomyownselftrue.ButIcannot,canI?Neithercanyou.Welivetoserve.”
Thesentimentnauseatedhim,becauseitwastrue.SuddenlyheburnedwithafuriousdesiretodestroyeverysingleAcademyteacherwhohadbrokenAliceDearlove’swillandmanipulatedherintodoingonlywhatbenefitedA.U.N.T.,justastheyhadtohim.Buthestayedcalm,focused,thewayhedidwhenfacedwithanyothermonstrousvillainy.
“You’reright,”hesaid.“Mywholelifehasbeeninservice.Onlybookshavegivenmeanykindofescape.ButthisweekI’vebeenstartingtorealizeIwantmorethanthat.Forexample,Iwantyou.”
Aliceflushedinawayhelovedtosee,goingallhotforhim.Buthergazeslippedawayoverhisshoulder.“Noonewantsme,”shesaid,“exceptasafixer.Aservantwhocanfetchtheirhandkerchief,carrytheirhatbox,disarmtheirvillainouscriminal.WhatcanIdoforyou,Mr.Bixby?”
“Nothing,”hesaidinstantly—thenpausedtothinkitthrough,togiveherarealanswer.Shehadalreadysaiditherself:“Beyourownselftrue.Iwantyou.”
EmotionrippledoverAlice’sface—grief,maybe,swampinghereyeswithtears;orperhapsitwasanger,makingherjawmusclesgotap-tap;orGodonlyknows—Danielcouldhavedonewithaninstructionmanualonwomenjustatthatmoment,alongwithacross-referencingbibliographyandseveraldiagrams.
“Iamdangerous,”shesaid.
“Youwon’thurtme,”heansweredatonce.“Iwon’tletyou.”
Shegavehimacynicallook.“Goodluckwiththat,Mr.Bixby.”
“Idon’tneedluck.”Reachingoutfearlessly,hetookholdofasatinbuttononherbodice,androllingitbetweentwofingers,herecitedaslow,sensuallineofLatinpoetry.Thewardrobebehindthemlifted,floatingacrosstothedoor,whereitsettledtostrengthenthebarricade.
“Witchcraft!”Alicegasped.“DoesA.U.N.T.knowyoucandothat?”
“Whatdoyouthink?”Heslippedthebuttonfromitsfastening.“You’vespentafewdaysinpirates’companyandadmityourselfcorrupted.Ispentyearswiththem.Sharethenightwithme,Alice.”
“Iratherhaveto,”sheanswered.“Thereseemsnosafewayoutofhereexcept—”
“Imean,”heinterruptedwithendlesspatience,“makinglovetogether.Justus,DanielandAlice,notAgentsAandB,notMr.andMrs.Blakeney.Ourownselvestrue.Only—onlyifyouwant,though,ofcourse.”
Forcinghimselfintosilencebeforehecouldutteracringingapology,hereachedforthenextbuttononherbodice.
“Yes,”shesaid.
Yes!hisheartechoed,tremblingwithsheer,amazeddelight.Shesaidyes!
“But,”sheadded.Herhandclampedhisagainstthebutton,stoppinghim.Hercountenancebecamedeadlytranquiloncemore,andDanielfeltelectrified.
“Beforewegoanyfurther,”shesaid,“let’slistsomerulesforourselves.”
Andjustlikethat,hisnervoussysteminventednuclearfusion.21lawfulbehavior—rulethree—aliceisupagainstit—renegotiations—mutualassassination
AlicewasafraidoftoomuchexpressiononDaniel’spart.Butafterclippingablankpieceofpapertoaneasel,theylistedmorethanadozenrulesforlovemaking,andherconcernswererelieved.ShouldCupidhavecomeupontheircontract,he’dhavegoneblindtryingtoreadthefineprint.
“Mostespecially,A.U.N.T.mustneverlearnofwhatwe’vedone,”Alicedeclared,writingafinalexclamationmarkthensteppingbackfromtheeasel.
“Icertainlyagreewiththat,”Danielsaid.Buthefrownedas,witharmscrossedandeyespeeringoverthetopofhisspectacles,heregardedthelist.“Istillaverwecannotregulatethedegreeofpleasureexperienced.”
“Thatiswhywehavearange,”Aliceexplained.“Byallmeans,inducemyphysicalsatisfactionanywhereuptoleveleightoutoften,buthigherthanthatandI’mliabletostrangleyou.”
“Uhhuh.”
“Anddon’tforgettoemployyourtonguewhenkissing.Thatwasmostgratifying.”
“Understood.”Removinghisspectacles,heplacedthemtidilyontheeasel’sshelf,thenturnedbacktoherandextendedhishand.“Sowehaveacovenant?”
Sheregardedhim(thatistosay,hisleftshoulder)foralong,coolmoment.Theevidencewasundeniable,hedesiredtopartakeincoitalactivitywithher—Iwantyou,meaninghewantedherbody.Andequallyimpossibletodeny,shewasinlovewithhim.Butshefeltsuretherulestheyhadformulatedwouldprovideasafe,tidystructureinwhichphysicalpleasurecouldbeexperiencedwithhopefullyareducedriskofmurder.
“Wedo.”Shetookhishandinafirmgripandgaveitabriskshake.“Now,letusstartwith—”
Heyankedhersuddenly.Shestumbledagainsthim,herpulseshatteringonthehardplanesofhischest,andheenfoldedheratonceinhisarms.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked,hervoiceastautaseverymuscleinherbody.
“Huggingyou.”
Alicefrowned.Really,thisdidnotbodewell.Restraintwasonething—shehadnegotiatedforthatsafetymeasureandhadgainedanassurancehe’duseaconstrictorknotifhewascalledupontotieherup.Shealmosthopeditwouldhappen.Butthisrandomembrace?Itonlyservedtoslowthepaceoftheaction.
Well,shewouldbeaccommodating.Hecouldhavesixtysecondsofhuggingbeforeshebroughtthembacktotheschedule.
Shebeganasilentcounttowardsixty.Danielrestedhisheadagainsthersbutotherwisedidnotmove.Tenseconds.Alicetappedherfingersagainstherthigh.Twentyseconds.Herfrowneased.Thirtyseconds,andherbreathslowlyloosened.Sensesthathadbeenoverstimulatedfordays—years,really—begantogentlewithinthesilent,unrelentingcompassofDaniel’sembrace.Twenty-fiveseconds.Wait,no,thirty-five.Orwasitforty?Numbersdissolvedasshesoftened,andDaniel’sarmsgrewtighteraboutherinresponse.
“Isthataguninyourtrouserpocket,”shemurmured,“orareyou—”
“It’sagun.”
Shestrokeditthroughthedarkwoolofhistrousers.“Whatmodel?”
“SmithandWesson.38.AnAmericanweapon.”
Herbreathcaught.“Sayitagain.”
Shefelthimsmileagainstthesideofherhead.“SmithandWesson.38double-actionhammerlessrevolverwithafive-roundcylinderandnickelfinish.”
“Oh.”Hertranquillayersbegantomeltlikewarmedhoney,poolinginthesecretdarkplacebetweenherlegs.“I’mgoingtogarroteyou,”shesaid,nestlingagainsthim.
“Hm,”hemurmuredinherear.Hernervestrilledjustalittle—adelicatesensationshewassurprisedtodeclarepleasant.
Thenhedrewherearlobeintohismouth,suckingonthetrappedflesh,and“pleasant”flungoffitsdrab-coloredcloakwithadramaticgesture,revealingthebright,spangledformofbliss.
Alicegasped.“Thisisn’tonthelist!”
“Yesitis,”Danielsaid.“Rulethree.Kissing.”
“But—but—”shestammered.
Hestopped,movingbackslightly.“No?”heasked.“Oryes?Yourwordismycommand.”
ThissuddenrequirementtochoosesentAlice’snervesintodisarrayalloveragain.ShecontemplatedaskingforapauseinproceedingssoshemightreadacalmingsceneortwoofAll’sWellThatEndsWellbutrememberedshe’dleftitinthepocketofherskirt,whichwascurrentlylyinginaheapintheballroomdownstairs.Bother!Thatwasthesecondskirtshe’dlostonthismission.Verymuchlongerandshe’dbeentirelynaked.
Oh.Wait.
Atthereminderthatshewasinfactgoingtobenakedin—sheglancedatthetimetable—twelveminutes,Alice’snervesjumpedoutofthefryingpanofdisarrayandintothefireofabsolutechaos.“No,”shesaid.“Imeanno,it’syes.Yestoalltheyesthings,unlessIsayno.Yes?”
“Um…”
Frustrated,shekissedhimonthemouth—firmly,intheproperregulatedmanner.
Danielwelcomedhereffortswitharesponsethatslowlydeepened,turningthekisssumptuous.Shebeganstrokinghim,gettingtinglesfromthefine,crisptextureofhisshirt.Instructionsonhowtomurderhimkeptflashingthroughherbrain,evenassheslippedhertongueagainsthis.TinyinnerAlicesranaroundsmoothingdownhertranquility,onlytohavetheedgescurlupandblackeninanintensifyingheatoflust.Indeed,sobusywasherinteriorthatshedidn’tevenrealizeDanielhadunbuttonedherbodiceuntilhebeganremovingit.
Shegasped.“Already?”
Hepaused.“Thisisthescheduledtimeforundressing.”
“Goodheavens.Inowunderstandthephrase‘timeflieswhenyou’rehavingfun.’?”
Danielgrinned.Bending,heproceededtokissandlick(subclause3b)andnibble(unnoted,butAlicewaswillingtoletitslide)apathdownherthroattohercollarbone.Alicetrembled.Shehadn’tfeltsogoodsincethetimeshewasallowedtoarrangeallthedesksintheAcademyclassroom.Daniel’shandslippeddownherback,thenlowerstill,tuckingitselfbeneaththewaistbandofherpetticoat.Atthisnewexperienceoftouch,shestiffened.
ImmediatelyDanielwithdrewthehand.“Sorry,”hesaid.“Iwasmovingtowardpointsixontheschedule,butwouldyoulikemetostop?OrshouldI—”
Aliceshookherhead,notinreplybutfromsudden,overwhelminganxietyathavingtomakeyetanotherdecision.Arousedasshewasbysomanystrangebutpleasurablesensations,thesechoicesfeltlikebombsinherbrain.Yes!No!Maybe!Slightly!Sometimes!Stop!Gofaster!Ahundredconsequencesofhereverypossibleanswerexplodedinwild,loudcolors.Shetappedfingersagainstherbrowinadesperateattempttoregulatethem.Shetriedtocountherbreath,butthenumberschangeddependingonwhethershesaidyesor—
“Oh!”
SurprisefloodedhermindwithwhitesilenceasDanielliftedherabruptly.Hewalkedhertwostepsbackwardandpressedheragainstawall.Thenhesetherhandsateithersideofher,palmstothewoodpaneling.
“Keepthemthere,”heinstructed,andgaveheralook—cool,untroubled,safe.Sheswallowedheavily,hernervesthrillingathismasterybutherpulseeasing,hermindsighingcontentedlynowthathehadrelievedtheburdenfromit.
“Youhavetherighttoremainsilent,”hetoldher,“butanythingyoudosaywillbetakenasthewordoflaw.DoyouunderstandthisrightIhavejustexplainedtoyou?”
“Ido,”Alicereplied—andsuddenlyenvisionedthemstandingatachurchaltar,withhersayingthosewordswhileheslippedagenuineringontoherfinger.
Daniel’seyelashesfluttered,andshewonderedwhathewasthinking.Notonehintofromantichooliganismthreatenedhisimpeccablecountenance.Buthisvoicetrembledwhenheasked,“Doyouwishtoproceedundertheseconditions?”
Shenodded.
Reachingupunderthelustrousredbillowsofsatin,hesethishandagainstherdrawers’opencrotch.Alicegaspeddelightedly,clutchingatthewall,ashebegandeployingonefingerinsuchamannerthatseveralrulesquitonthespot,insteadsettingupreclinerchairs,sunglasses,andtumblersoflemonadewithpaperumbrellasinthem,soastobaskintheheat.
AlthoughDanielhadtouchedhertherebefore,thistimenothinginterruptedhim,andheprogressedfurtherthanAlicehadknownwaspossible.Indeed,shouldtheymakeitbacktoLondonwithoutbeingmurderedbypirates,killedinahousecrash,orelectrocutedafterusingahairbrushdesignedbyDr.Snodgrass,Alicewouldhavetonominatehimforpromotionsolelyonthebasisofhisthumbskills.Hewasnotgentle,andthesensationsthatrampagedthroughherbodydidnotsomuchtripheralarmsassmashthemdownandtramplethem.Moaning,Alicebegantoflounder.Itwastoomuchfeeling—toomuch—shecouldnotbreathe.ButDanieldidnotpause,drivingherrighttotheupperlimitofpleasure’sleveleight,thenpoundingheragainstitoverandoveragain.
“Willowswhiten,”shegasped,tonoavail.Hermusclesbegantoquivermorethanawholeforestofaspens.Leveleightgavealittlecryandcollapsedbeneaththeswollen,pulsingweightoflevelsnineandten.AliceherselfsaggedagainstDaniel,andhestrokedherhairwithhisfreehand,whisperingfragmentsofTennysonuntilherheartnolongerfeltlikeitwasgoingtoburst.
“Iestimatewe’reathirdofthewaythroughourschedule,”headvised.
“I’mnotgoingtomakeit,”Alicemoanedintothecoollinenofhisshirt.Eventhescentoflaundrysoapandmasculinesweatthreatenedtospiralherintoconfoundingblissalloveragain.“Yougoahead,leavemebehind.”
Danielsmiled.“I’llwaituntilyou’reready.”Andheslippedhishandslowlyfromherdrawers.
Alicestraightenedasifelectrified.“It’sfine.Ihavemysecondwindnow.Let’scontinue.”
Helookedthroughhiseyelashesather,stirringthatsecondwindintoastorm.“Asyouwish.”
Andbeforesheknewwhathewasabout,he’dremovedherdrawersandkneltbeforeher,andshediscoveredthatthepostdoctoralthesisoncoitushadbeenmissingafewpages.
Forgethooligan;shewasadelinquentnow.“Um—”sheattempted.“What—”
“Rulethree,”heremindedher.“Kissing.”Andwhenshegasped,clutchingathishair—“Subclause3b:withtongue.”
Bythetimehefinished,leveleightwasamerespeckintheeyeofleveltwenty,andAlicecouldbarelystand.Inahaze,shefeltherselfbeinglifted,thencarefullyloweredtoanarrowbed.Themetalframecreaked;asmellofmoldwaftedup.Herpetticoathaddisappearedsomewherealongtheway,leavinghercladinonlyathinlinencamisoleembroideredwithenchantments.
Shelaystiff,thighspressedtogether,armscrossed.Danielremovedhisshoesandtrousers,thenclimbedontothebed,kneelingastrideherlegs.Withoutaword,notevenlookingather,heunfastenedhistieandbeganunbuttoninghisshirt.
“Don’ttellmetorelax,”shewarned,hervoiceraspyafterallitsrecentmoaning.
“Allright,”Danielsaidevenly.Hisshirtfellopen,andasheturnedhisattentiontohiscuffs,Aliceurgentlycountedherbreath.One…two…elephant…seventy-four…
Theshirtcameoff,revealinghistannedtorso,lean,deadlyarms,andacertainotheranatomicalfeaturethat,haditbeenincludedthuslyonMichelangelo’sDavid,wouldhavetripledmuseumprofitsduetothecrowdsofvisitors.Danielgavetheshirtacrispshakeandbegantofold—
“Um…”hesaid,blinkingwithsurprise,asAlicesnatchedtheshirtfromhimandthrewittothefloor.
“I’mjuststreamliningtheschedule,”sheexplained,andhelaughed.
Thelovely,raresoundglimmeredthroughher.Herfingersflutteredinresponseagainstherbarearms.
“Hm,”Danielsaid,takingonehandinhis.Aliceimmediatelymadeafist,buthepriedthefingersapartwithease.“TheseremindmeofapoemIoncereadinanoldAmericannewspaper.Ienjoyseeingthem‘leapinglikeleopardsinthesky.’?”
Asshewatchedhimkisseachfingertip,emotionsbrokethroughthehazeofphysicalpleasureandthreatenedtooverwhelmher.“I’mgoingtostabyou,”shewhispered.
“Uhhuh.”Hestrokedhistongueacrossherwrist.
Sheshivered.“I’mgoingtobreakyourlegs.”
Unperturbed,hebegankissingupherarm.“Behold,thouartfair,Omylove,”hemurmuredagainstherskin.“Behold,thouartfair;thyeyesareasthoseofdoves.”
TrustaCatholictoquotetheultimatebookinamomentlikethis.
“Behold,thouartfair,mybeloved,”sheanswered.“Also,ourbedisgreen.”
Danielfrownedatherwithmocksolemnity.“IfIdidn’tknowyouwerequoting,I’dsuspectyouofbreakingtheruleaboutjokes.Thismattressisindeeddisturbinglymildewed.”
NowAlicewastheonetolaugh.Danielbenttokissitgreedilyintohisownmouth.Shecouldtastehisdesireandwantedtoserveit—withallherheart,wantedtopleasehim.Soshereacheddownratherawkwardlytomakehisintimateacquaintance—
“Alice,”hegrowled,pressinghisbrowagainsthers.Butitdidnotsoundlikeanorderforhertoceaseoperations,soshecontinued.Afewsalientquestionsoccurredtoher,suchasDoyoulikeitwhenIemploymythumbinthisway?butDaniel’sbreathingbecamesoerratic,conversationwouldbeimpossible.
“Wait,”hesaidfinally,wincingashestruggledtocontrolsomethingwithinhimself.
Alicemovedherhandaway.“Areyoureadytobefinished?”sheaskedcautiously,givingonethoughttotheunfinishedscheduleandonetothestrainedlookonhisface,andnotknowingwhethertobedisappointedorapologetic.
Hesmiledatherthen,thatbeautiful,meltingsmilewhichalwaysmadeherwanttosighalittle,hughimalittle,marryhimalittle,andtakehimawaytoliveinthepeacefulcountryside.“Mostdefinitelynot,whichiswhyIneedyoutostop.OrelseIwillbefinishedfartoosoon.”Hissmilefadedslightly,andsherecognizedinhimthesameshynessshefelt.“Areyousayingyouwanttobefinished?”
“No.”Shelookedaway.“IfIaskedformore,please,wouldyouforgivemeforreferencingDickensatsuchaninappropriatemoment?”
Daniellaughed.“God,Iloveyou.”
Idiom!herbraindeclaredatonce.Butherheartswelledwithhelplesswishing.Shebegantrembling,frightenedshemightmurderhiminthatmomentoutofsheerjoy.Hemusthaveseenit—nakedagainsthernakedness,hemusthavefeltit—forhegatheredherinhisarmsandheldherclose.
“Tighter,”shegrowled,“incaseIbreakfreeandstrangleyou.”
Helaughedsoftlyintoherhair.“I’mnotscaredofthat.”
“Thenwhyareyourestrainingme?”
“I’mhuggingyou.”
“Butyou’vealreadydonethat.”
“Alice,sweetheart,youdeserveallthehugsIcangive.”
Sweetheart.Wasthatanidiomtoo?Andwassheafoolforglowinginsideatthesoundofit?
Danielkissedherthroat,herjaw,kissedwordsagainsthermouth.“Youdeservetobecaredfor,Alice.Youdeserveeverything.”
Hewouldnotletherargueorexplainthelogicalfallaciesinhisstatement.Andshewouldnotletherselfweepwithdesperateyearningforittobetrue.Instead,theykissed,hardanddeep,withalanguid,heavypassion.Andwhilehekeptheroccupiedwiththat,Danielquietlyspreadherlegs,pushedupherknees,andadvancedtheschedule.
Painshotthroughher.Aliceclosedhereyes,silentlycountingonecycleofbreathandthenanother,willinghercountenancetoremainundisturbed.Accordingtoherscientificreading,womendidnotenjoysexualintercourse,butiftheywaitedpatientlyuntilthemanwasfinished,they’dfeelasenseofachievementthatwouldbesatisfyingindeed.Aliceratherdoubtedthis,consideringthediscomfortshewasin,butshewaspreparedtoendure.
“Sorry,”Danielwhispered,withdrawing.
Shecaughtathimwithsomethingakintopanic.“Don’tleave.”
Hesmiled.“I’mnotgoingtoleaveyou,sweetheart.”Shiftinghisangle,hemovedcloser,deeper,again.“Ijustdon’twanttohurtyou.”
“Youcanhurtme,”sheansweredpromptly.“Idon’tmind.”
“Ido.”Andshiftinghisangleagain,slow,patient,hewatchedherfaceuntilitsdisguisefadedandshewashelplesstopretend.Herbreathbecameanunmeasurablemessofgaspingandbrokensound.Thenhemovedmorefirmly.ThingsbegantofeelnicedelightfulohmygoodGodshewantedtodothisandnothingelsefortherestofherlife
“Alice?”heaskedgently.
“Umhunmghm,”shereplied—whichwasaboutaseffectivearebuttaltoscienceasitwaspossibletoget.Sheglancedathim,andtheireyesaccidentallymet.
Hestilled.
Shestoppedbreathingaltogether.
Thewholeuniversetiltedonitsaxis,pouringstarlitsilenceintothesmall,shydistancebetweentheireyes.
AndwhenAliceexhaledagain,itfeltlikehersoulemergedwithittoembraceDaniel,drawinghimcloseforakissthatwasonlysoft,brief,yetsomehowmoreprofoundthananytheyhadsharedbefore.
Hesmiled,makinghershiverrightthrough.“Youknowwhenyouopenanewbookandrealizeit’sgoingtobeperfect?”hewhispered.
“Yes,”Alicesaid.
“That’showIfeelwhenIlookatyou.”
Hegavehernochancetorespondasheliftedhimselftoasteeperangleand,discardingruleafterrule,madeherclimaxevenmoreemphaticallythanbefore
“Oh,valiantdust!”shecriedout,overmastered.
Daniel’smovementsgrewalmostdesperatethen.Thebedshudderedandwailed.Alicelayrockingbeneathhim,feelingboneless,defenseless,peacefulattheeyeofastorm.Heloweredhimselfoncemore,fingerstwiningwithherhair,mouthsonearherstheybreathedtheshiveringfragmentsofeachother’sbreath.Hesaidsomethingshecouldnotquitehearbutitsoundedagreatdealliketheinarticulateloveandgriefthatlayatherowncore.
“Daniel,”shewhispered.
Hewentsuddenlytaut,asifshe’dstoppedeverythinginhim—asifspeakinghisnamehadbrokenacurse.Thenhecollapsed.Forasweaty,overwroughtmomenttheyclungtoeachother,stillconnectedindeepandwishfulways,whilethebedsaggedasifitwasequallyexhausted.Atlast,Danielrolledaway.
Alicefeltthesharpflashoftheworldagainstherbody.Immediately,shemovedtopressherselfagainsthimagain.Hehadonearmup,hishandclutchinghisdamphair,andhelaidtheotheraroundhershoulders.Sherelaxedthen,safeinhissteadiness.
“Areyouwell?”sheaskedtentatively
“ShouldIescapecardiacexhaustioninthenextfewminutes,Iamwellindeed,”hesaid.“Areyou?”
Shewriggledupalittlesoshecouldkisstheinexplicabletearsonhisface.“Iam.Yes,Iam,now.”
Hesmiledather.
Andthebedbrokeapart.22ourheroesexpandtheirminds(andotherthings)—aforegoneconclusion—aliceisinastickysituation—revelationsofadastardlynature
Alice’simaginationwasbyhabitridiculouslyinactive;whenthedoorwasnotopenitdidn’teventrythewindow,butsatmoroseintheroomuntilaneedforlateralthinkingletitout.
Daniel’simaginationwasastone.
Andyet,afterdraggingthebed’smattresssafelytothefloor,theymanagedbetweenthemtoinventseveralcreativevariationsuponthethemeoflovemaking,thusoccupyingthelonghoursofthenight.Thiswas,asAlicepointedout,professionalbehavior,sincesleepingmustsurelybeill-advisedwhentheWisteriaSocietymightatanypointre-engagethehunt.Theyneededsomethingtokeepthemalert.Asittranspired,theywererenderedsoalert,somanytimes,thatwhendawnarrived,itfoundthemlyingnakedandstunnedonthemattress,barelyabletomove.
“Imustsay,”Alicemusedasshewatchedthedarknessfadetogold,“myneckdoesn’thurtasmuchasIfeareditwould.”
Danielturnedhisheadtolookather.Hiseyes,brightwithnewsunlight,unguardedbyglass,heldanexpressionshecouldnotdecipher,andyetitmadeherpulseflutter.
“Youare…”
“Yes?”sheasked.Andwhenhedidn’tanswer,hiseyesdarkening,sherepeateditmorewarily.“Yes?”
“IfeelIshouldapologize,”hesaid.
“Oh?”Herpulsewentfromflutteringtothreshing.Herheartshredded.Butallshedidwasblink.“Doyouhaveregretsaboutlastnight?”
“Yes.”
“Isee.”Herbrainmarchedin,sweptuptheremainsofherheart,andshovedthemintoatrashcanalongwithcertainidioms.
“Weoughtnottohavedonewhatwedid,”Danielsaid.
“Uhhuh.”
“IoughttohavecontrolledmyselfuntilIhadaccesstocandles,softblankets,orattheveryleastacleanbed,togiveyoutheromanticexperienceyoudeserve.”Hesmiledshyly.“I’msoruinouslyinlovewithyou,Alice.”
Ta-dah!!Herheartburstfromthetrashcaninasparklingconfettishowerofhappiness
“Oh,”shesaidprimly,evenwhilehernervesdonnedreddressesandbegantodoatapdance.“Iunderstand,”sheaddedthroughthefizzofchampagnebeingpouredbyherego.Snatchingaglassofit,herbrainstoodonachair,pinkfeatherboaaboutitsneckandchampagneraisedforasentimentaltoastshecouldnotquitehearthroughthethumpingofherheart.Love!itbeat.Love!
“Thisiscertainlyaninterestingdevelopment,”shesaid.“Asithappens,Iaminlovewithyoualso.”
Sheclenchedeverythinginsideherselfnervously,buttheworlddidnotend.Academystaffdidnotcomeburstingthroughthewindowwithbirchswitchesatthereadytochastiseher.NordidDanielassassinateher.Infact,healmostlookedsoft
“Thatiswelcomenews,”hesaid.“Mostconvenient.”
Heheldouthishand,andAliceshookit.Theygaveeachotherabrisknod.
“HowarewegoingtoinformHumanResourcesofthisunforeseenconsequencetothemission?”sheasked.
Hiseyeswentstill.Herheartwentstill.Foronesilentmoment,thetruthlaybetweenthem.
TherewouldbenoinformingHumanResources.Weretheirrelationshiptobediscovered,they’dbeseparated—quitepossiblyfromthemselves,andcertainlyfromeachother.Yearsago,AlicehadbefriendedastraycatoutsidetheAcademydormitories.Shestillborescarsfromwhenhertutorsfoundout—oneacrossthebackofeachthigh,andonethroughherbrain,theraggedmemoryofwhattheydidtothecat.
ShesmiledtightlyatDaniel.
Hegavehertheexactsmileinresponse.Abarricade.Ifthereweredeadcatsanddesperate,hopelessdreamsinhisheart,shecouldnotseethem.
“We’llthinkofsomething,”helied.
Shenodded.“It’sfine,eitherway.Afterall,wehaveonlyknowneachotheraweek.”
“Havewe?”Hemovedsuddenly,risingtostraddleherhips,settinghishandsonthemattressateithersideofherhead.“AliceDearlove,youhavedweltinmyheartsincethemomentIfirstsawyouinClacton-on-Sea,ayearago.”
Alicegazedupathismouthandthecalmlineofhischeekbone—forlookingtoolongintohiseyesoverwhelmedherevenmorenowthanithadbefore.Hethrilledeverynerveinher.Heengulfedeverythought.
Andyethewassofamiliar,shecouldhaveswornshe’dseenhimeverydayofherlife.
“IlovedyouevenbackintheAcademy,yearsbeforewemet,”shesaid,reachinguptotrailfingersdownhisrose-and-thorntattoo.“Iwassoaloneasachild,sodifferentfromeveryoneexceptStudentB,whohadgonethroughaheadofme,andwhohadleftatrailofpsychologicalreportsandbrokenbroomsformetofollow.EachtimeIhidunderthetablebecauseshootingpracticeorlaundryclassgottooloud,theinstructorsremindedthemselvesofhowthey’dmanagedwhenBdidthatsamething.WhenIthrewaknifeintothechalkboardafterProfessorHamblytouchedmyarmwithoutwarning,itwidenedthecrackBhadmadethrowingatextbook—”
“Actually,avolumeofShakespeare’scompleteworks,”Danielsaid.“IwasreadingCoriolanuswhenProfessorHamblywalkedbehindmewithoutwarning.I’djustgottotheline‘actioniseloquence,’anditseemedinstructive.ConsideringIonlyattackedthechalkboard,nottheman,Istilldon’tunderstandwhytheyweresofuriouswithme.”
“Didtheybeatyou?”
“No,theytookmetotherangeandshowedmehowtogetabetterangleon—”Hestopped,hisexpressiontightening.“Didtheybeatyou,Alice?”
“Itdoesnotmatter,”shesaid.Turningherheadtothewindow,shesquintedagainstthelight,determinedtoseeneitherthemingledlookofloveandlethalityinDaniel’seyenorthewan,sadghostofagirlwhohadbeencanedrepeatedlyovertheyearsuntilshelearnedtomaskheroddnessbehindathousandfaces.
“Itdoesmatter,”Danielargued.“Youmatter.”
Butsheknewthatshedidnot.Notthewomanshewasdeepwithin,northegirlshehadbeen.Neitherdidtheloveshesharedwiththisbeautiful,dangerous,gentlemanmatter.Themissionmightbefinished,butA.U.N.T.ownedhersoul.
“Dayiscomingon,”shesaid,hervoiceasfaintasthemistyautumnalhorizon.“Wemustescapebeforethepirateswakeandrem—”
Danielcaughtherjawtightlybetweenhisthumbandforefinger.Turningherfacebacktohim,hebentandkissedherhard.Sheclutchedathishair,kissinghimbackharder,wagingadesperatebattlewithhistongue.Passionlitafireunderemotion,andonlywhenallthatremainedwassmokeandcoalsdidtheypullaway,breathingheavily,safeagainfromthedangersoffeeling.
“Ican’tbelieveyou’realive!”Veronicaexclaimedforthethirdtimeastheystoodinhertinybedroom,facespalewithwearinessinthemorningshadows.
Danielfrowned.“Wewon’tbealiveformuchlongerifyoudon’tkeepyourvoicedown.Now,listen,wearegoingtocollectSnodgrassanddepartatonce.Yourmission—”
“Whateveritis,Iacceptit!”Veronicasaid,bouncingexcitedlyonherheels.
Daniel’sfrowndarkened.“Iamnotgivingyouachoice,V-2.Therearetwosuitcasesinourbedroom.Securethem,andensuretheyaresentwithallhasteandsecuritytoA.U.N.T.headquarters.Thisisvital.”
Veronicagasped.“Dotheycontainweapons?”
“Inamannerofspeaking.”
“Guns?Knives?Explosivedevices?”
“Books.”
“Oh.”Thegirlsaggedalittle.ThenhereyesnarrowedasshelookedfromDanieltoAliceandbackagain.“Youseemdifferent,somehow.”
“Whatmakesyousaythat?”Danielaskedstiffly.Afterall,VeronicawasnotlongoutoftheAcademy—howastutecouldherdiscernmentreallybe?
“AgentA,yourcomplexionispinkerthanusual,”thegirlnoted.
Aliceshrugged.“It’sawarmmorning.”
“AgentB,yourcufflinksarecrooked.”
“Hm,”Danielrepliedirritably.
“Andyou’reholdinghands.”
Realizingthiswastrue,theyimmediatelysnatchedtheirhandsapart.
“We’restayingincharacter,”Danielsaid.“Now,thisconversationwillendinthirtyseconds.Doyouknowwhatyou’redoing,V-2?”
“Suitcases.Headquarters.”Veronicasaluted.“It’sanhonortoserve!”
“Yes.”Danielreachedforthedoorhandle.
“OnedayIhopetobeasreputableanagentasyourselves!”
“Uhhuh.”Heturnedthehandle.
“Really,IcannotbelieveIgottomeetthegreatest—”
“Goodbye,V-2.”Openingthedoor,DanielsteppedasidetoletAliceprecedehim,thencloseditonthesoundofVeronica’svoiceextollingtheirvirtues.Glancingineachdirectiontoensurethecorridorwasunoccupied,heledAlicetowardthebackstairs.
“I’llcollectSnodgrass.Youpreparethecottagefortakeoff.”
“Shouldn’tyoudothatinstead?”Aliceasked.“YouknowI’mnotcapableoftheflightenchantment.”
“No,”Danielsaid.Hewantedheroutofthisbuilding,awayfromthepirates.Anightspentinherarms,discoveringallthatshewas,hadrousedeveryprotectiveinstinctinhim,andhewasdeterminedshenotbecaughtbytheWisteriaSociety.Justthinkingofthedamageshewouldinflictuponthemwithherterrifyingcombatskillssentachilluphisspine.
Besides,thepirateswouldcertainlydemandaransomforherfromtheHomeOffice,andthatwouldraiseawkwardquestions—i.e.,Whenyousayyouworkforthegovernment,whichoneexactlydoyoumean?Inthatcase,Danielwouldprobablybeassignedtoassassinateher,soastoprotectthesecretofA.U.N.T.’sdownstairsexistence.Hewasreluctanttodothat,especiallysinceheintendedtofindsomewaytospendtherestofhislifewithher.
“Pickusupsomefoodforbreakfast,”Alicetoldhim,enteringthestairwell.“I’llseeyouintenminutes.”
“Seeyou,”Danielanswered,turningaway.
Alas,ifonlyhehadreadapenny-dreadfulnovelortwo,hewouldhavebeenalertedtodangerbythiscasualfarewell.ButitwaswithanoverlyeruditeinnocencethatheheadedforSnodgrass’sbedroom,notevenglancingback.
Aliceleftthecastlethroughaground-floorwindow(aperfectlyreasonabledoorstoodunlockednearby,butoldhabitsarehardtobreak),andrunningacrossthefrostygrass,shereachedtheA.U.N.T.cottagewithoutbeingnoticed.Uponarrival,however,sherecollectedDanielhadthekey.
“Bother,”shemuttered,leaningwearilyagainstthedoor.
Itswungopenwithacreak.
Alice’sinstinctsimmediatelyleapedintoaction.Pressingherbackagainstthewallbesidethedoor,shelistenedcarefullythroughtheslightopening.
Amutteringsoundedfrominside.Thensomethingwenttwang,andthevoicerosebrieflywithacurse.Alicenudgedthedooropenwiderandslippedthrough.
Thehingescreaked,andafigureatthewheelturnedwithanalarmedcry.Alicedidnotpausetoenterintoconversationwiththem.Rollingheadoverheelstopresentaconfusingtarget,sheaimedforthesofaatthecenteroftheroom.Thencrouchingbehindit,shereachedtowhereanemergencygunwastapedtoitsunderside.Astheweaponcamefree,tapestilladheringtoit,sheshiftedherstanceandtookaimoverthesofa’sarmattheintruder.
“Don’tmove!Putyourhandsup!”
“Isay!”camethetremulous,high-pitchedreply.“Whichone?!”
Sighing,Alicepulledbackthegun.“Dr.Snodgrass,”shesaidwithexasperation,risingtoherfeet.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“I-I-Icametocheckon—onthings,”heexplained,hismarshyeyeswideningashewatchedherpeelthetapefromthegun’sbarrel.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Themissionhasbeenaborted,”Aliceinformedhim.Thetapewasnowstickingtoherfingers,andsheshookherhandinanefforttodislodgeit.“AgentBissearchingthecastleforyou.”
“Jollygood!”Snodgrasssaid—then,whenAlicecasthimaconfusedfrown:“Imeanawful!Terrible!YoushouldreturnatoncetolethimknowI’mhere.”
Alicesmackedherhandagainstthesofa’sarm,causingSnodgrasstojolt,butthepieceoftapeclungstubbornlytoherfingers.Snodgrassmurmuredsomethingbeneathhisbreath.Glancingathim,Alicetookinhisblanchedcountenanceandtheferventmannerinwhichheclutchedthewheel.Shesmiledreassuringly,whichonlymadehimgrowmorepale.
“Donotworry,Doctor,”shesaid.“NodoubtAgentBwillrealizeyouaremissingandshouldarrivehereanymoment.”
Snodgrass’shigh-pitchedlaughinresponsejangledhernerves,whichhadbeencoilingthemselvestightagainafterDanielhadsoassiduouslyloosenedthem.Aliceignoredthem,forshehadfarmoreimportantmatterstocontendwiththanherdislikeofthescientist.Withanirritablesigh,shetossedthegunontothesofacushionandappliedherselffullytogettingthedrattedtapeoffherfingers.
SuddenlySnodgrasslurchedforward,takingAlicesomuchbysurpriseshecouldonlystareathim,wonderingifhewasexperiencingsomekindofseizure.Secondslater,sheunderstoodherperil,butbythenitwastoolate:Snodgrasshadsnatchedthegunfromthesofaandwasaimingitather.
“Don’tmove,what!And—and—putyourhandsup!”
Alicegavehimalong,coollook.Heshookthegun,andslowlysheobeyed.Hernervesadvancedfromjangledtooutrightjittering,foralthoughshe’dmanagedtoremovethetape,herfingerswerenowsticky,andwithSnodgrassholdingheratgunpointshecouldnotimmediatelywashherhands.
Unmoving,barelyblinking,shecalculatedthedistancebetweenherselfandthekitchenbenchwithitskettleofwater,includingthenecessarysteps—twototheleft,sevenforward,oneleap,ahardstep(horizontal)againstSnodgrass’ssolarplexus,akaratechoptohisthroatrenderinghimunconscious,thenseveralmorestepstolocatearazorso
“Don’ttryit,”Snodgrasswarnedwithunexpectedperspicacity.“Iwillshootyou.Iwill.”
“Youwon’t,”Alicescoffed.
Hepulledthetrigger.
Horsehairandfabricexplodedasthebulletslammedintothesofa.Alicenoticedaflashbeforehereyes—notherlife,butsparksproducedbyacoiledspringwithinthesofacushion.SheraisedonedisapprovingeyebrowatSnodgrass,whoappearedfarmorestartledthanherbywhathe’djustdone.
“DeliberatelydamagingA.U.N.T.propertyiscauseforafine,perhapsevensuspension,”shetoldhim.
Helaughedratherhysterically.“Ishallsoondestroymorethanasofa,MissDearlove!BeforeIamthroughwithmyplans,thenameCorneliusSnodgrasswillbecomesynonymouswithTerror(andQualityDevicesfortheDiscerningVillain)!What!”
“What?”Aliceasked.
Heopenedhismouth,thencloseditagain,clearlyblindsidedbythequestion.Thenarenewedfervoraroseinhim.“IfIcannotinspirelove,Iwillcausefear!”
“That’smonstrous,”Alicerespondedcoolly.“Andalsounethical.IfyouquoteMaryShelley,yououghttoprovideanattribution.”
Hisexpressionswayedwildlyashetriedtoprocessthisadvice.Alicetooktheopportunitytore-examinethevariousclueshehadpresentedoverthepastweek,fromhisdeterminationtoprovehimselfauthorizedforthemissiontohistryingtoshootherjustnow.“ThetrapJanesetinthelibrary,”shesaid,amazedshehadn’trealizedearlier.“Itwasyourwork.Theribboninthelibraryceilingwaswrittenoverwiththeincantation,wasn’tit?”
Snodgrassnoddedwithsuchexcitement,hismustachestruggledtokeepup.“AndthetiearoundWordsworth’sbust.Er,thatis,theneckofhisbust.Itwasabrilliantlydeviseddeadfalltrap.”
“Exceptitfailed.”
“Onlybecauseyouinterfered!Itriedfordaystoassassinateyou,butyoukept—”
“Wait.MissDarlingtonsaidthepirateshadn’ttriedtokillus.Iassumedshewaslying.Butyouwereresponsibleforthewashroomdoorexplosionafterall.”
Hejuttedouthischin.“Itwasanexcellentpieceofmagicalengineering.JustalittlemoresensitivetovibrationsthanIanticipated.”
“Soacaseofprematureexplosion?Interesting.”
Snodgrassflushedandshookthegunather,butAlicewastooinvolvedinherdeductionstoevennotice.“Youcrushedthecake—nodoubttestingyourplan.AndIseenowyouhaveascabonyourhandfromwhereyoumusthavecutyourselfwiththecakeknife.AndyouweretheonewhoshotatAgentBwithacrossbow,weren’tyou?”
“AndIputthesnakeinyourbed!”Snodgrassburstout,asifhecouldnothelphimself.
Alicefrowned.“Whatsnake?”
“Ihaveallalongbeenaforcetobereckonedwith,AgentA!Youshouldhavefearedme!Fearmenow!”
“Therewasasnake?”
Snodgrassmadeastrangledcryandshookthegunyetagain.Alicetriednottorollhereyesattheseoverwroughtdramatics.Hermindwashummingwithalow,aggravatingwhitenoisethatshesupposedmeantanencroachingheadache.Thestickinessonherfingerswouldincitehertomurderifshecouldnotwashitoffsoon.Andshereallywantedsomebreakfast.
“Look,”shesaidbriskly.“Whydon’twediscussthisoveracupoftea?I’msureMrs.KewwillreleaseyoufromyourA.U.N.T.contractsoyoucanpursueacareerchangetoNefariousCriminal.I’dbehappytowriteyouareference.Icancertainlyvouchforyourexpertiseinaggravatingpeople.”
“It’stoolateforthat!”Snodgrassshouted.“IfonlyyouandtheotherA.U.N.T.agentshadtakenmeseriously,I’dnothavebeenforcedtotherecourseofmaniacalvengeance!Iwon’tturnbacknow.Triumphshallbemine!Aereo!”
Abruptlythehouselurchedupfromtheground,rockingperilouslyasitascendedwithoutcontrol.AsAlicegrippedthesofaforsupport,sherealizedhermentalhumhadinfactbeenmagicloiteringintheair,waitingforSnodgrasstofinishspeakingtheflightincantation
“Whatareyoudoing,Doctor?”shedemandedasthehousegroanedandrattledaroundthem.
“FlyingbacktoLondon!”hesaid.“TheMayor’sParadeistoday!Thestreetswillbefilledwithcityofficialsandhundredsofinnocentbystanders!Haha!!”
Alicepaused,buthedidnotcontinue.Finally,shepromptedhim:“And?”
Hefrowned.“Andwhat?”
“Andwhatisyourplan?Really,Doctor,ifyouwanttobeaprofessionalvillain,youneedtofullyrevealyourplan.”
“Isay!”Herubbedhismustachegleefully,thenpointedacrosstheroom.“Thatcrateisanatrocity!”
“Itcertainlyis,”Alicesaid,eyeingthecratesetbeforethesofainlieuofatable,itswoodensidesgrittyandstained.
“Imean,literally,MissDearlove!Insideisaspecialdeviceincantatedtodetonateuponcontactwiththeground!”
“Huh,”Alicesaid.Shethoughtbacktoherfirstdayinthecottage,openingthecrateandseeingwhatshehadsupposedtobeafireextinguisher.She’dfiddledwithoneofitsswitchesand,attheresultinginternalclatter,hadassumeditbroken.
“Well,Idoconcedethatisfiendishindeed,”shesaid.
“Yes!Jollyfiendish!AnditwasunderA.U.N.T.’snosesforweeks,inmylab.Nooneappreciatedmygeniusenoughtosuspectme.”
“ButJanesaidtherewasnoweapon.”
“Nonethatsheknewabout,”Snodgrassscoffed.“It’struethat,whensheapproachedmewithhernefariouscommission,IwasinspiredtocreateTheBigBanger?.But,Isay,whywouldIwasteitonmerelyassassinatingoneperson?JaneFairweather’ssillylittleplotgavemepracticewithvillainy,butultimatelyIhavebiggerfishtofry!”
Alicefrownedinconfusion.“Youwanttotakeupcooking?”
“What?No!I’mgoingtodropmybombontheMayor’sParade,killinghundreds.Thennoonewillignoreme!IshallbeinstantlyinductedintotheHallofInfamy!What!”
Aliceshruggedwithprofessionalnonchalance.“Iwillstopyou.”
“I’mafraidIcan’ttakethatchance.”Heyankedtheblacktiefromaroundhisneckanddroppedittotheground.“Descendeorapido!”
Alicehadjustenoughtimetothinkfiddlest—
Andtheceilingfellonher.23danielmeetshismatch—thegang-up—lethallooks—asuddencaterpillar—thebigbanger—midaircollision—evictionnotice
IfDanielhadaflowerforeverytimehethoughtofAliceashesearchedStarkthornCastleforDr.Snodgrass,hewouldnothavebeenabletowalkatall,duetobeingcompletelyoverladenwithroses.Hedidnotconsideritinsuchterms,ofcourse;rather,hecalculatedhisthought-to-stepratioasbeingsohighitoverwhelmeddecentmathematics.
Hecouldnotregretmakinglovetoherlastnight.Tohavehadjustthatsmallpartofher—thatphysicalpleasure,betweenonemissionandthenext—evenknowinghecouldneverhavethewhole.Tohavetoldheramerewhisperofthetruthabouthowhefeltforher.Thesehadseemedlikeimpossibilitiesevenadayago.Likeadream,ayearago.Andnowtheywouldliveforeverinhisheart,behindbarricades,barbedwire,machineguns,wherenotevenA.U.N.T.couldgetatthem.Strictlyspeaking,heshouldnothavedoneanyofit.Buthefoundhecouldnotdisapproveofhimself.
Thatwasallhefound,however.Tenminutes’effortdidnotuncoverDr.Snodgrass(althoughhedidcomeacrosstheEarlofSandwich,trussedupinthelaundryroom,impatientlyawaitingaransom).Frustrated,bemused,andhearingthepiratesbegintoarise,criesoftallyhoooo!resoundingthroughthecastle,hedecidedtojoinAliceinthecottagetodiscusstheirnextmove.
Sofocusedwasheonseeingheragain,touchingherhand,inhalingtheserenefreshnessofherscent,watchingtheslow,lushsweepofhereyelashesasshe—
“Hellothere,”saidacheerfulmalevoice.
Danielreactedinstinctively,asaconsequenceofwhichhediscovered,whennextheblinked,thathewaspushingamanagainsttheframeofStarkthornCastle’sopenfrontdoor,onekneeshovedintothefellow’sbackwhileacarotidrestraintaroundhisneckwordlesslypromisedunconsciousnessordeathatanymomentDanielwishedtoadvanceit.
“Nicereflexes,”themanremarked,andDanielrealizedhe’djustattackedNedLightbourne.Hewouldhaveapologizedandsteppedbackatonce,butagunbarrelpressingagainsthisspinerecommendedagainstthis.
“Goodmorning,Bixby,”CeciliaBassingthwaitesaidbehindhim.Hertonewascool,pleasant,butthemetalofhergunwasalsocool,significantlylesspleasant,andDanielknewshe’dshootundertheleastprovocation.“Ifyouwouldliketodiesomeotherdaythanthisone,Isuggestyoureleasemyhusband.”
DanielremovedhisarmsfromaroundNed’sthroatandheldthemupinsurrender.“Idobegyourpardon,”hesaid.“Iwasn’tlookingwhereIwasgoing.”
Thegunwasliftedaway,andNedturnedwithasmile.“Don’tworry,oldchap.Whoamongstushasn’talmostmurderedanacquaintancewhilelostinthought?”
Ceciliashruggedhermouthinagreementwhilesheholsteredthegun.Frominsidetheclothslingdrapedoverhershoulder,babyEvangelinegaveDanieladrippygrinasshechewedonasmallwoodensword.
“Willyoujoinusforbreakfast?”Nedasked,brushingbackhishairwiththekindofnonchalancethatsuggestsonemorewrongmoveandDanielwouldnevermoveagain.“I’dlovetohearallthegossip,suchaswhyyounolongerworkforAlex,whyyouarewearingapiraticearring,andwhyyouappeartobesomekindofgovernmentspyinfiltratingthesocietyofmyfriendsandfamily.”
Thecharmingsmilegleamed,andDanielwarnedhimselftobeverycarefulindeed.Hewasreluctanttodiejustashe’dsecuredAliceDearlove’saffections.
“Breakfastsoundsgood,”hesaid.“However,ImustrendezvouswithMissDearloveinour—”
Heturnedtopoint,andhisarmfrozehalfwaythroughthegesture.
“—cottage,”hefinishedblanklyassaiddomicilejerkedandshudderedawayfromtheground.
“Ohdear,”Ceciliamurmured.“ItseemsMissDearloveisdepartingwithoutyou.”
“Shewouldneverdothat.”
“Lovesyoutoomuch?”Nedsaid.
“ItwouldbreakRegulation11,”Danielanswered.“Theremustbetrouble.”
HewasabouttobeginafutilegroundpursuitwhensuddenlyNedcaughthisarm,twistedituparoundhisback,andsetadaggertohisthroat.
“Sorry,”thepiratesaidwithablithelackofsincerity.“Nooffense.IjustneedyoutolistentowhatIhavetosay,andIsuspectthisistheonlywayyou’lldothatwithouttryingtokillmeagain.”
Danielconsideredprotestingbuthadtoadmititwastrue.Evennow,watchingthecottagelurchhigher,ahomicidalterrorsearedthroughhisnerves.Alicemovingthroughtheskieshauntedhim,phantom-wise.Onestiffbreezeandthatbuildingwasgoingtofallapart.AndifhelostAlice,hewouldfallapart.
“Youcan’tcatchherbyrunning,”Nedsaid,histonesoaggravatinglycalmitwasjustaswellhehadDanielrestrained.“We’lltakeyouinourhouse.”
Daniel’spulsebashedhardagainstthedaggerblade.“You’ddothat?”
Ceciliasmiledathim.“JustimaginewhatCharlottewouldsayifwefailedtohelpyou.”
Allthreeofthemshuddered.
“Butwemusthurry,”Ceciliacontinued,“beforetheotherguestsseeus.”
NedreleasedDanielandtheysetoffatarunacrossthegrasstowheretherose-swathedbrickcottageknownasPuckHouseawaited,smokedriftingfromitschimney.Evangelinechortledpiraticallywitheverystep,andCeciliatoldher,“We’regoingonalovelyescapade,yesthat’sright,coochy—uh,Imeantallyho!It’sgoingtobesuchfun!”
Danielfrowned.WatchingtheA.U.N.T.cottageswoopandjoltonanungainlycourseeastwarddidnotfeellikefuntohim.ItfeltliketheGreatLibraryofAlexandriawasaflameinhisstomach.
TheredfrontdoorofPuckHouseopenedbeforetheyreachedit,andayoungwomandressedinblack,withdarkringletstumblingfromhermobcap,salutedjauntily.
“Ididn’texpectyoubacksosoon,”shesaidastheyrushedintothesmall,warmlylitentrancechamber.“Pleaseexcusethemessofectoplasmandpitifulmoaning.I’mstillinthemiddleofexorcisingtoday’sghosts.”
“It’sfine,Pleasancedear,”Ceciliaanswered,evenasNedclosedthedoorbehindthemandbegandashinginandoutofrooms,shuttingwindows.“WouldyoupleasetakeEvangelineforalittlewhile?WearejustgoingtohelpMr.Bixbyherewithaspotofhotpursuit.”
“Ofcourse,miss,”Pleasancesaid,reachingforthebaby.“ShallIbringateatrayuptothecockpit?”
“Thatwouldbeexcellent.Comewithme,Mr.Bixby.”
Shebeganspeakingtheflightincantationassheledthewayupaseriesofcarpetedstairs.Bookswerestackedatthesideofeachtread,andonshelvesinthelandingabove,andliningthewallsofabedroomDanielglimpsedastheytookashortcorridortoastaircaserisingintothecockpit:acozyatticfurnishedwithplumpsofas,cushions,andbasketsoftoys.Lushgoldenlamplightilluminatedanarrayofbucolicartwork;furniturepolishscentedtheair.Thelargeoakwheeloverlookedagablewindow,andnexttoitstoodachild’shighchairwithaplaysetofsextant,telescope,andlockpickclutteringthetray.
HavingspentyearsintheshamblesofAlexO’Riley’sbattlehouse—andthenmonthsinthepristineenvironmentithadbecomeafterCharlottemovedin,bringingwithherasquadofcleanersanddecorators—Danielfeltstrangelywobblyattheexperienceofthishomeybattlehousewithallitsbooksandfamilycomforts.Sowobbly,indeed,thatheactuallyusedawordlikewobblytodescribehisfeeling.
Ceciliastrodetothewheel,stillincantating.Asshesetherhandsuponit,thehouseglidedupwithaneasethatspokeofherskill.“Pardonme,butareyoucertainMissDearlovedidnotjustleave?”sheaskedassheheldthecottagetoasmooth,rapidincline.“Afterall,nopiratewouldhavestolenyourhouse.Wemightshootitdown,butitwouldgoagainstourcodeofethicstostealit.”
“Iknowthat,”heassuredher.“ButIalsoknowMissDearlovewouldnotdepartwithoutme.Foronething,shecannotmanagetheflightincantation.Isuspectwe’vebeendouble-crossed,perhapsbysomeonewithagrudge…”Hepausedashisthoughtsbeganliningupneatlytowardaconclusion…“Someonewithaladder,whoknowshowtousetheincantationtomakeaceilingcollapse,andwhohappenstohavedisappeared.Snodgrass.”
“Well,havenofear,Mr.Bixby.Weshallcatchthem.”
“Hm.”Gazingouttheflightwindow,hewasforcedtosquintagainstapainfullybrightglareofsunlight.“Idonotseethehouse.”
“Ithasdisappearedbeyondthosehills,”Ceciliasaid.Shesmiledathim,butDanieldidnotsmileback.HehadservedthiswomandinnerinAlexandCharlotte’shouse,watchedherrockherbabytosleepwithapiratelullaby(“Mama’sgoingtostealyouadiamondring…”),andlistenedtoherchatwithCharlotteforhoursaboutshoesandswords.ButinthismomentallhecouldthinkwasthateventhemostdreadfulWisteriaSocietymemberfearedCeciliaBassingthwaiteforwhatshemightbecapableofdoing,duetohergrimheritage.
Iteasedhismindsomewhat.
“Trustme,”shesaid.“Theworldisnotlargeenoughforthemtohidefromme.”
OncePuckHouseclearedthosesamehills,however,theA.U.N.T.cottagewasnowheretobeseen.
“Hm,”saidCeciliawithmildsurprise
“Hm,”saidDanielinaconsiderablydarktone.Hecrossedhisarmstightly,asifdoingsowouldpreventhisheartfrombeatingrightoutofhischest.
“Couldtheyhavelanded?”Nedsuggested.Hehadbroughtuptheteatrayand,havingjustservedCeciliaacupoftea,wasnowpouringwhiskeyintoanotherforDaniel.Hemovedwithsuchlanguidcalm,Danielwantedtobashthetrayoverhishead.Thegurglingofthewhiskeyasitpouredfrombottleintocupsoundedlikequicksandsuckingtimeintoitsairlessdepths,andDanielhadtoforceafour-countbreathuponhimselfjustsoheknewhewasn’tsuffocating.
“Theymighthavegonetoground,”heagreed.“Butifwecircletosearch,andtheyhaveinfactflownahead,we’llnevercatchup.”Heheardatappingnoiseandlookedaroundinaggravationforwhatwascausingit—onlytorealizehisownfootwasresponsible,knockingfretfullyagainstthefloor.Hegaveitsuchanintensescowl,itwentstill
“WhywouldthisSnodgrasskidnapMissDearlove?”Ceciliaasked.“Hashelosthishearttoher?”
“Notyet,”Danielmuttered,andsentamemotohimself:ObtainaspoonfortheextractionofSnodgrass’scardiacorgan.Thenamemoryrose:Mrs.KewhandingAliceandhimtheirfakeweddingringsandintoning,“Whatthemissionrequirementshavejoinedtogether,letnooneputasunder…butiftheydo,theseringswillreuniteyou.Snodgrassdesignedthemspecially.”
Yankingthebandfromhisfinger,hepeeredatthewordsinscribedonitsinterior.“Coniungocumsociummeo,”hereadaloud.
Immediatelytheringbegantotugagainsttheprevailinggravity.
“?‘Iconnectwithmypartner,’?”Nedtranslated.“Whatacharminginscriptionforaweddingring.”
“Actually,it’satrackingdevice,”Danieltoldhim.Hishandfollowedthemagic,andhesmiledgrimly.“Starboard,ifyouplease,MissBassingthwaite.Onehundredandtwentydegreesfromthefrontdoor.”
MurmuringLatin,Ceciliaturnedthewheelasdirected.Thehouseveered,tiltingagainsttheflowofthewind,andincreaseditsspeedevenmore.
Tap-tap-tap.Danielforcedhisfootintostillnessoncemoreandalmostsighed,thinkingofAlice’sbeautiful,restlessfingers.Emotionswerepitchingwildlythroughhim,sharpasknivesandequallydangerous.Thoughtsbeganstuffinggunpowderintoeveryinstincttheycouldgetholdof.
“Haveadrink,”Nedurged,holdingforthacup.Danielglaredathim,andNedimmediatelysteppedback.“Thenagain,alcoholmightnotbewiseatthemoment.Cecilia,darling,ifIshouldbekilledbyMr.Bixby’slook,Igiveyoupermissiontoremarry.”
Ceciliahuffedaderisivelaugh.
“Onehundredandthirtydegrees,”Danielsnapped.
PuckHouseslippedintothenewcourse.SocompetentwasCecilia’spiloting,andsowellarticulatedthestabilizationphraseoftheincantation,thatitalmostseemedasiftheysatontheground,despitethatgroundblurringpast,farbelow.AlthoughDanielrationallyknewtheyweremovingatspeed,hewantedtopickupthehouseandthrowitatthehorizon.Butallhecoulddowasstareoutthewindow,foottappingagainwithanunfamiliarsenseofhelplessness,fingersgrippingtheweddingringastightlyasfeargrippedhisheart.
Snodgrasshadbetterenjoyhisflight,becausewhenDanielcaughtupwithhimhewasgoingtotakethevillainapart,piecebypiece—byspoonorbyhand,orperhapsbyadamnincantatedtoothbrush—thentransporthimtoahospitallikeanethicalmanshoulddo,ensuringthatqualitymedicalcareputhimbacktogether—justsohecouldtakehimapartalloveragain.
Aliceopenedhereyesslowly,afraidofwhatshemightsee.Somuchsensationthrobbedinsideher,itfeltasifshemadeatleastsevenrespectablepersons.Everylimbandboneached,andeverythoughtshoutedateveryotherthoughtinsuchaclamor,shewishedsomeonewouldtakeoffherhead.Butcheckingherselfwithbleary-eyedtrepidation,shesawjust(1)womanseatedonthefloorwithher(2)legsstretchedbeforeherand(3)hairycaterpillarsgrinningatherinthemosthideousway.
Sheblinkedwildly,andashervisioncameintofocus,sherealizedwhatshe’dseenwasDr.Snodgrass’smustachestirringashegrimacedwiththeeffortoftyingafinalknotintheropesthatboundhertothecottage’ssteeringwheel.
“Isay,you’reawake!”heexclaimed,sittingbackonhishaunches.Hishairwasindisarray,hiseyesbrightwithwhatAlicesuspectedtobeLSD(LunaticScientistDisorder).“Howremarkable,”hesaid,“consideringmyingeniousdevicesenttheceilingfallingtopiecesontopofyou!”
Alicepeeredachinglybeyondhimtowhereanarrowlengthoftimberleanedagainstthedust-coveredsofa.“Thatisonlyoneplank,Doctor.AndIdobelieveit’sjustplywood.Yetagainyouhavefailed.”
Snodgrass’sfaceflushedscarlet.“Ihavenotfailed,what!You’retheonetiedup!AndwhenthiscottagecrashesinLondonwithyouinsideit—Ihavingfirstmademyexitusingmyemergencyescapehat—thebombwilldetonateuponimpactwiththeground.Boom!Thenwhowillbethefailure?!Goaheadandscreamwithdespairwhileyoustillcan,beforeIgagyou!Haha!”
“MayIpointoutonesmallflawinyourplan,Doctor?”Aliceaskedcalmly.
“Flaw?!Thereisnoflaw!”Hiseyesnarrowed.“Whatflaw?”
“ThefactthatIamnottiedup.”
Hehadonlythebriefestmomenttofrowninconfusionbeforesheextractedherselffromtheinadequatelyknottedrope.Withtwoquick,efficientstrikesagainsthisneckandjaw,sherenderedhimneatlyunconscious.Hetoppledbackwithathump,hismustachereverberating.
Shuckingofftherope,Alicegottoherfeet.“I’dutterapithywitticism,”shesaid,“butIhaveacitytosave.”(Besides,shecouldnotthinkofone.)Brushingceilingdustfromhershouldersandskirt,sheturnedtoevaluatethesituation.
“Bother.”
Ittookonlyoneglancetoascertainthatmattersweredireindeed.Dustandcobwebshadfalleneverywhere.Thesofawasruined.Coilsofrope,gunpowderpackets,andotheraccoutrementsofmaniacalvengeancelayscatteredaboutthefloor.Worse,theteasupplieshadtumbledfromtheirbenchduringthecottage’sunstabletakeoff.Itwasgoingtotakehourstogettheplacetidyagain.
Nottomentionthatherfingersburnedwithstickinessfromthelingeringtaperesidue.
Ohyes,therewasalsothefactofawhoppinggreatbombinthemiddleoftheroom.
“Someonewasovercompensating,Ithink,”Alicemuttered,castingagrimlookatSnodgrass’ssprawledfigurebeforeturningtoconsidertheviewfromtheflightwindow.
Farmlandstretchedbeneathher,dottedwithhouses.Thehorizonofferednothingmorethanaluminoushaze—butAliceknewLondonlaybeyond,andshefrowned
Thereexistednownodangertothecity’spopulation.Shewouldultimatelydowhatevernecessarytosavecivilianlives,evenifthatmeantcrashingthecottageintoanemptyfield.Butshewasreluctanttodiejustasshe’dsecuredDanielBixby’saffections.
Atthethought,herweddingringseemedtotightenaroundherfinger.Sheadjusteditabstractedly.Wherewashe?Didhefearherkidnapped?OrwasheevennowsendingatelegramtoA.U.N.T.headquarters,reportingherasdelinquent?
No.Sheshookherheadindenialofthatpossibility.Sheknewthathe’dknowshe’dneverleavehim,andalsoknewhe’dknowthatsheknewit.(Shepaused,checkedbackthroughthatsentence,thennoddedtoherselfinagreement.)Danielwouldabsolutelycomeforher!
Afterall,Regulation23requireditofhim.
However,therewasnotimetowaitforrescue.Rollingupthesleevesofherbodice,shemarchedacrosstothewoodencrateandtriedpushingittowardthefrontdoor.
Shemetwithimmediatesuccess!
Butonlyifhergoalhadbeentostrainseveralmusclesinherback,getasplinterinonefinger,andnotmovethecrateevenhalfaninch.
“Confoundit,”shemuttered.Thentakingadeterminedbreath,sheappliedherposteriortotheedge,setherlegsatanangle,andpushedwithgreaterforce.
Thistimeshegotfurther!
Insofarasshestrainedallthemusclesinherlegsaswellasherback.
Openingthecrate’slid,shescowleddownatthebomb.Shesawclearlynowwhatshe’dnotnoticedbefore:incantationphrasesscratchedintothemetalcasing.Shesmelledthedynamite.Peeringcloser,sheevenreadTheBigBanger?alongitslength.Severalbuttons,switches,andredandblackwiresofferedfalsehope—forsheunderstoodtheexplosivewasboundinthemagicoftheincantation,andnoamountofbuttonpressingorwirecuttingwoulddisarmit.
Sheturnedbacktothescientist,resolvedtorousehimandmakewhateverthreatsnecessaryforhimtorevealthedefusingprocess.Herviewofhim,however,wasblockedbyhisfistpropellingtowardheratspeed.
EvenasAlice’sbrainstrovetoprocesswhatitwasseeing,herbodyreacted.Sheducked,andasSnodgrasspunchedtheemptyair,sheslippedaroundbehindandshovedhimhard.Hetippedforwardintotheopencrate,andAliceslammedthelidonhisback.
“What!”hescreamed.
Aliceliftedthelidoncemore,intendingtoheavetheman’sentirebodyinwithhisbomb,buthetookherbysurprise,kickingatherlegs.Asshestumbled,hehauledhimselfupandcameather,fingershookedlikeclaws,facecontortedwithrage.Hebeganattackingherinsuchanundisciplinedmanner,Alicecouldnotrespondsensibly.Theywrestledacrosstheroom.Alicetwistedhisarm,Snodgrassrippedherbodice,Alicepunchedhiminthemidriff,SnodgrassshoutedanoldLatinword.
Thecottagedoorflungopeninresponse.Coldwindscreamedintotheroom,snatchingatAlice’shair,chillingherblood.Thebuildingrockedwildlyasitsstabilitymagicwasovercome.Snodgrass’semergencyparachutehattumbledout.Snodgrasshimself,bug-eyed,cacklingwithwhatmustsurelynowbedescribedasprofessionallunacy,shovedAliceinthesamedirection.
Glancingoverhershoulder,shesawavast,brightemptiness,andrealizedshehadonlymomentslefttolive.A“privacyofgloriouslight”wouldsoonbehers.TheironyofherbrainquotingWordsworthatthisjunctureinvigoratedher.Bendingatthewaist,sheshovedhershouldersagainstSnodgrass’storsoandrosewithasmuchforceasshecouldsummon.Thescientistflippedoverherheadand—utteringahigh,squealingcryofIsay!—fellrightoutthedoor.Aliceslammeditshutbehindhim.
Andtossingbackherhair,shesaidpithily,“Itseemsyourfancyhastakenflight,Doctor.”
Thecottageshudderedasifinlaughteratherexcellentwit.Alicefeltrathersmugforamoment.Thensherecollectedshewasstillinmortalperil,andrantothewheel.Itspunbackandforthinmagicaldefianceofgravity,andAlicegrabbedthespokes,draggingitwithteeth-clenchingeffortbacktoacenteredcourse.Butthewoodtrembledinhergrip,andsheknewshewouldnotbeabletoholditforlong.Themagicwastooawry,thethreadsofstabilizationloosenedbywind.Shetrieddesperatelytorecalltheincantation,butallshecouldthinkwaswillowswhiten,inahabitofself-defensethatwouldkillherifshedidnotbreakitinthenextfewminutes.
Thenashadowfilledtheflightwindow.Lookingup,AlicestareduncomprehendingasDr.Snodgrasscameintoview,grinningatherlikeamadman.24onesmallstep—skyhigh—daniellosescontrol—charmsandforearms—thesufferingofwomen—alicecommitsaheinouscrime—ourheroesarethreatenedwithtorture
TherewassomethingatworkinAlice’ssoulthatshedidnotunderstand,butshesuspectedprettystronglywashorror.AtthesightofSnodgrass’sgrinningface,shelostallgriponrationale,sincewhatelsecouldbehappeningbutthathisdreadfulghosthadarisentoseekvengeanceagainsther?
TheonlyflawinthisconclusionwasthatSnodgrasswasnotrisingbutdescending—and,asAlicestared,hecontinuedtodoso,slowlybutsurely,untilsherealizedhewasclingingtoaropenet.Andthisnetoriginatedfromthewindowofabrickcottagethatwasgraduallyfillingherviewthroughthewindow,replacingthesightofSnodgrass.SheglimpsedCeciliaBassingthwaitethroughagablewindowandblinkeddazedlyasthepiratewomannoddedagreetingtoher,beforethecottageloweredfurther—
Andthenhersoulsighed.Thisfeelingnow,sheunderstood.
DanielstoodontheroofofPuckHouse,oneshoulderleaningagainstitschimney,anklescrossed,handsinhistrouserpocketsashelookedcalmlyacrossather.
“Fiddlesticks,”Alicewhisperedwithlove.
DanielwaiteduntilAlicehadopenedtheflightwindow,thenhesmiled.“SorryI’mlate.”
Alicegavehimapale,soberlook.“Didyourememberthebreadandmilk?”
“No.Icangobackforthem—?”
“That’sfine,”shesaid.“Ishouldprobablysavetheworldbeforehavingbreakfast.Snodgrassleftabombhere,insidethecrate.It’ssettodetonateassoonasthecottagetouchesdown.Iplantoflysouthandditchthebuildinginthesea.I’mreadytodutifullysacrificemylifeforthesakeofEngland’ssafety,andaskonlyforasmallmentioninthenextintra-agencygazetteasmyreward.”
“Hm,”Danielsaid.“Or—justbrainstorming,youunderstand—youcouldjumpoverhereandwe’llshootthebuildingdownintoanemptyfield.”
Aliceshookherhead.“Whatifsomegirlislyingunseeninthelonggrass,thinkingofherweddingdayandwishingitwasgoingtobewiththebutcher’ssonratherthanthewealthybutheartlessviscount?”
Danielstaredather.“What?”
“What?”sheechoeddefensively.
Hegaveitup.“Verywell.Insteadofcrashingthehouse,I’llcomeoveranddismantlethebomb.IfIfailtodoso,we’llreverttoPlanA,andjusthopegentlewomeninHampshirearestilla-bed.”
Sheconsideredthisforamoment,thenshruggedhermouthandnodded.
“Good.”Hesmiledather,warminghimselfwiththefeelingofloveinit.“Say‘circumrotosinistram.’?”
“Circumrotosinistram,”sheechoed.
Thecottagespunport-wiseinresponsetothelineofincantation,groaningwiththeeffortandsheddingafewrooftiles.AsthedooralignedwithDaniel’sview,Aliceopenedit.Withherdisheveledhairandredpetticoat,sheseemedalmostpiratic.
“ThatLatingavemeaheadache,”shecomplained.
“I’msorry.ComeoverhereandI’llmakeitbetter.”
Shedisappearedinsidethecottage,andafewsecondslaterre-emerged,runningacrossitsthreshold.Sheseemedtosoarbetweenthebuildings,herpetticoatbillowing,herfaceserene.LandingmidwayuptheroofofPuckHouse,sheclimbedeasilytotheridgepole.
“Nicelydone,”Danielsaidasshearrivedbesidehim.Sheshruggedmildly,andinresponsehepushedherbackagainstthechimney,grabbedherface,andkissedher.
PuckHousejoltedlikeahorrifiedchaperone,butDanielbarelynoticed.Aliceclutchedhisshoulders,tryingtopullhimevencloser.Herpetticoatswirledaroundtheminthecool,gold-litwind,andDanielfelthisheart’sbloodswirltoo.Hecouldnotrestrainhisangerthatshe’dbeenindanger,andhisreliefthatshewassafenow,andhisvast,brightlove;healmostthoughthemightstepofftheroofwithherandtheforceoftheemotionswouldholdthemup,defyinggravity.Everynerveandmuscleinhisbodybegantoprickle.Itwaswhathe’dalwaysfeared,thislossofemotionalcontrol.
Damn.Ifonlyhe’dknownhowgloriousitwouldfeel,he’dnothavewastedsomanyyearsbeingfrightened.
Breakingthekissatlast,hegaveAliceafiercelook.Shegavehimonerightback.Herskinwasflushed,hereyesvivid,andifshehadsaidKilltheworld,hewouldhavedoneitforherinthatmoment,hewouldhavedoneanything;shehadbecomehisnewandforeverobsession.
“Headachegone?”heasked.
“Ihaveahead?”shesaiddazedlyinresponse.
Helaughed.“Godownstairsandletthemknowourplan.Butbewarned,they’refriendlypirates,whichisagreatdealworsethanfieryones.I’mafraidnothingisgoingtostopNedLightbournefromgivingyouawarmwelcome.”
Shefrowned.Danielwantedtokissheragain,totastethatwonderfullyprimdisapprobationandtakeitwithhimacrossthesky,buttheA.U.N.T.cottagerockedandgroanedinamannerthatsuggesteditwasgoingtofallatanyminute
“Right,”hesaid.“Seeyousoon.”
RunningdowntheroofofPuckHouse,heflunghimselfwithouthesitationintoemptyair.TheA.U.N.T.cottagelurchedawayfromhim,andonlybyextendinghisarmtothemaximumdegreewasheabletocatchholdofthedoorstep.Hehungpainfullyinaone-handedgripashisbodyre-establishedaninternalbalance.Painrippedthroughhisbody.Gravitytriedtointroducehimtoitsfriend,thesolidgroundseveralhundredfeetbelow.
Swingingwildly,hepushedafingeragainstthebridgeofhisspectaclestostraightenthem.Thenhehauledhimselfupoverthedoorstep,intothecottage.Glancingoverhisshoulder,hesawAlice’sunimpressedfaceanddiscoveredinhimselfadepthofimpatiencehe’dneverexperiencedbefore.Evenfiveminuteswasgoingtobetoolongawayfromthiswoman.
Thecottageshuddered,remindinghimthatitwouldbeaneternityifhedidnotdismantlethebombandgetthebuildinglandedsafely.
“Stabilissicutvadit,”hechantedasheshutthedoorandstrodeovertothecrate.Thecottageimmediatelybegantosettle.Incantatingaholdingpattern,heliftedthecrate’slidandstoodquietlywithhisarmscrossed,contemplatingthedevicetherein.
Thetriggeringincantationseemedstraightforwardenough,butthisbeingaSnodgrasscreation,Danielknewheneededtobeevenmorecautiousthanusual.Onetouchinthewrongplace—orperhapsevenintherightplace—andhe’dgoupinflamesfasterthananeroticnovelinaPuritancommunity.
“Hm,”hesaideventually.Unbuttoninghiscuffsandfoldinguphissleeves,heobtainedaparingknifefromthekitchensuppliesand,leaningonehandontheedgeofthecrate(whichhadaninterestingeffectonthemusclesofhisnakedforearm,notthathewasawareofthis),heusedtheknife’spointedtiptoaltertheengravedincantation.Hechangedanitoat,anntoanm,thenpaused,tryingtorecollectLatindeclensions.Atickingbeganinsidethedevice,whichwasbothalarmingandhelpful—foritsuggestedhe’dtrippedatimer,butalsosoundedsomuchlikeProfessorMichaelstappingafingernailagainstachalkboardthatanxietyinstantlytossedupthewordheneeded.Hereturnedtoetching—
Suddenly,thecottagerattled,sendingashowerofdustdownoverhim.Danielcaughthisbreath,notwantingtoaccidentallyturntheiintoajandblowthewholeplaceup.Afteramoment,itcalmed,andhewasabletoetchonefinalserif.Rappingaknuckleagainstthemetalcylinder,heheardonlysilencewithin.Satisfied,heclosedthecratelid.
Andthecottageplunged.
Thrownoff-balance,Danielstaggeredagainstthecrate.“Subsisto!”heshoutedoverthethunderingofhispulse.
Thecottagejoltedtoanuncertainhalt.Splashingsoundedinthewatercloset;noxioussootbillowedfromthefireplace.Danielsighedatthethoughtofallthecleaningthatwouldbenecessaryfortheplacetobehabitableagain.
Butthiswasnotimeforindulginginfun.“Descendeolente,”hecommandedwiththeauthorityinvestedinhimbyseveralpagesofinsurancecontracts.Tohisrelief,thecottagebeganamoregentledescent.ItlandednearPuckHouseinafieldofgrass,andDanielbeganincantatingtheanchorphrase.
Hemanagedtwosyllablesbeforetheentirebuildingfellapart.
Foramomentitfeltasiftheworldhadbecomeaballofthunder.Wallstoppled;theroofclattereddown;thewheelbrokefreefromitsstandandrolledoutofthewreckage.Atlast,quietsettled,andDanielrosefromwherehehadcrouchedbesidethecrate,pushingasidefallenroofbeamsandwhatappearedtobeanossifiedopossum.Hebrusheddustfromhishairandshoulders.Bringingforthahandkerchieffromatrouserpocket,heemployedittocleanhisspectacles.Hisshoesneededanurgentpolishandhe’dmurdersomeoneforajacket,buttherewasnothingtobedoneaboutitatthismoment.Steppingovershatteredbricksandplaster,hedepartedwhatwasnowonlynominallythecottage,andwentinsearchofAlice.
“IreallymustgoinsearchofMr.Bixby,”Alicesaid,frowningatherreflectioninCecilia’slookingglass.Dressedinyellowfrillsandbluelace,shewouldn’thaverecognizedherselfwereitnotforherfingerstappingwithadesiretoassassinatethepirate’shousemaid.
She’dbarelyarrivedinsidePuckHousewhenPleasancehadtakenoneshockedglanceatherstainedpetticoatandtornbodiceanddeclaredamakeovernecessary.Ceciliahappilyofferedherwardrobe.Pleasanceimpressedasaninsightfulwoman.AndsoAliceagreed,forsheseemedtobeinsensiblehands.
Tenminuteslater,shewaspreparedtosurrenderherExpertIntelligenceOfficercardindisgrace.
“Alldone!”Pleasancesaidcheerfully—thenheldyetanotherdressagainstAlice’sbodyandcontemplateditseffect.Thiswastheseventh,orpossiblytheseventieth.ItscombinationofgreenandpinkmadeAlice’sbrainache.Itshighcollarwasanitchwaitingtohappen,itswaistsashderidedanyfoolishnotionofbreathing,anditsfloralprintjustbeggedtobeobsessivelyexaminedforanytinyflaw.Thiswas,inshort,notsomuchadressasatorturedevice.
“Beautiful!”Pleasancedeclared.“Youcouldbeproudtowearthisinyourcoffin!Andwithafewribbonsinyourhair,andfacepowder,andperhapswecouldpluckyoureyebrowsjusttheslightestbit,yourhusbandwillbealladoration!”
“Youaretookind,”Alicesaidinatonethatsuggestedawholelotlesskindnesswouldbeappreciated.Thesepeopleweresofriendly,andsoconcernedwithherhappiness,shewonderedifshe’denteredanupside-downworld.Herheartkeptgrowingandshrinking,andaltogethershefeltnotquiteherself.“However,dutycalls.IamsureMr.BixbywillnotcarewhatI’mwearing.”
“Oh,he’lljustlovetoseeyouinaprettydress,”Pleasanceenthused.“TakeitfrommeandtheBloodCountess.”
“Thewho?”Aliceasked,perplexed.
Cecilia,sittingnearby,touchedhertemplediscreetly.Pleasance,however,wouldnothaverecognizeddiscretionevenhadsomeonepointedtoitinadictionary.
“Aghostwhatpossessesme,”sheexplained.“Shesaystheflowersgoperfectlywithyoureyes.”
Alicelookedatthesprigsofpinkandwonderedifsheshouldfeeloffended.
“Tobefair,”Ceciliasaid,“MissDearloveshoulddressforherself,notforherhusband.”
“Precisely!”Pleasanceagreed.“Itwillbeforherselfwhenhekissesherbecausethedressissopretty.”
“Kissesme,”Alicescoffed,pretendingtoinspectasatinbowsoastohideherblush.
“IshouldhopeMissDearlove’shusbandwantstokisshernomatterwhatsheiswearing,”Ceciliaargued.“Itishersoulthatmatters,notherattire.”
“Don’tmindthemistress,”PleasancewhisperedloudlytoAlice.“She’soneofthemfeminininists.WhileIagreethatwomensufferandweshouldrageaboutit—”
“Suffrage,”Ceciliacorrectedhergently.
Pleasanceshruggedwithallthecarelessnessofawomanwhohastotidyawayheremployer’svotingrightspamphletsattheendoftheday.“—that’sallthemorereasonweshouldhavefunlookingpretty.AndIdeclare,ifMr.Bixbydoesnotmissastepuponfirstseeingyouinthisdress,Iwilleatmyhat.”
“Goodheavens!”Aliceexclaimed,staringatthewoman.“Don’tdothat,itwouldbedreadfulforyourdigestivesystem!Thestraw—letalonetheribbons—!”
Pleasanceblinked.“Er…”
Sighing,Aliceconsideredthedress.Hideousthing,absolutelyhideous.
“Missastep,yousay?”shemurmured,strokingaswatheoflaceacrossthebodice.ItstexturewasmuchlikeDaniel’sunshavenjawhadfeltthatmorningagainsthercheek…
“Absolutely,”Pleasancesaid,sensingweakness.“Hemightevenstumble.Infact,itain’timpossiblehecouldoutrighttrip,andendonhiskneesbeforeyou.”
Threeminuteslater,Alicewasencasedinitchy,cumbersomelayersoftaffeta,withherwaistcinchedastightasanantiquarian’sgriponShakespeare’sFirstFolio,andwithnopossibilityofundressingunlesssomeoneelsereleasedthedozenbuttonsdownherback.Neverinallheryearsofundercoverworkhadshelookedso…so…
Ridiculous,shethought.
“Adorable,”Pleasancesaidwithahappysigh.
“Hm,”Ceciliaadded,frowning.“Tellme,MissDearlove,whyMr.Bixbymarriedyou.”
Alicestaredatherblankly.BecauseMrs.Keworderedhimtodidnotseemanappropriateresponse.
“Becausehelovesyou,”Ceciliarepliedonherbehalf.“You.Isthisensemblerepresentativeofyou?”
“Uh…”Alicesaid.Achildhoodininstitutions,followedbyacareerasaspy,leftherunequippedtoanswerthequestion.Thefactthatsomeonewasaskingitatallthreatenedtoshort-circuithermentalprocessingsystem.
“Nevermind.”Cecilia’seyesglintedwithpiraticdetermination.“Basedonmyunderstandingofyou,gainedoverthetwentyminutesI’vespentinyourcompany—andfurthermoremyknowledgeofMr.Bixby,whichcomesfromhavingglimpsedhimnowandagaininCaptainO’Riley’skitchen—Iconsidermyselfeminentlyqualifiedtomakethisdecisiononyourbehalf.Takeoffthedress.Ihaveabetteridea.”
Danielhadsurvivedahousecrash.HehadsurvivedseveraldaysincompanywiththeWisteriaSociety.Forthatmatter,he’dspenttenyearsasaneliteagent,undertakingmissionssodangeroustheymadehisdebrieferscry,andhadsurvivedthatwithease.
ButmakingsmalltalkwithNedLightbournemightjustbethefinalstraw.
Thepiratebouncedhisdaughteronhishipashechattedawaymerrily,undauntedbyDaniel’slacklusterreplies.Attheirfeet,Dr.Snodgrasslayboundandgagged.Behindthem,thereddoorofPuckHouseremainedclosed.Danielfrownedatit.He’dbeenwaitingbloodyforevertenminutesforAliceandcouldnotunderstandthedelay.Bynow,theyshouldbeontheirwaytoLondon.Instead,hewasbeingforcedtosmileandnodtoamanwhoseemedtothinkthatamiableconversationwasperfectlyreasonablebehavior.
“Suchniceweather,”Nedremarked,andDanielwonderedifstabbinghimjustalittlewouldshuthimup.ButatthatmomentthereddoorofPuckHousefinallyswungopen.
Andeverythoughtinhisbrainspontaneouslycombusted.
Aliceappearedinthedoorway.Shepaused,fingersflickeringandeyesscanningfordanger,beforesteppingout.Daniel’seyes,heart,groin,achedashebeheldthevisiondriftingtowardhim.Herheadboreanimbusofgoldensunlight,herfeetseemedtobarelytouchthegrass,andshehadbeenclothèd—notjustclothed,insistedhisreverentbrain,butclothèd—inaplainwhitedress.Altogether,shelookedlikeoneoftheangelsontheprayercardsDanielhadcollectedwhenachild.Herbrownhairwassmoothedfromacentralpartingtoachignonatthenapeofherneck,anditprovidedthecalmest,simplest,mostperfectframeforherface—afacesuchasByronmusthaveenvisionedwhenhewroteofbeauty,apureanddeardwellingplaceforherserenelysweetthoughts…
“Whatanappallingmess!”
Danielblinked,hisreverieshattering.AlicejammedherhandsonherhipsandfrownedatthetumbledremainsoftheA.U.N.T.cottage.“Couldyounothavemanagedthingsmoretidily?”shedemanded.
“Um,”hesaid.
“Isthatallyouofferinyourdefense,Mr.Bixby?Whileyoudallied,Ihavebeenwrangledintovariousstatesoffashionandruthlesslyinterrogatedastomyopinionsonjewelry.MyfingersremainstickyeventhoughIwashedthem,Ihadasplinterinone,andthisdresssmellsoflavender.”
“Ohdear.”Takingherhandinhis,hekisseditsfingerssoftly,brushinghistongueagainstatinyscratchhefound.
Alice’sfrowndeepened.“Wronghand.”
Helookedupatherfrombeneathanarchedeyebrow.“Really?”
Sheshrugged,herexpressionirreproachable.“Perhaps.”
Sohetookherotherhandandkissedthattoo,andsherolledhereyes,tskingthroughabarelyrepressedsmile.
“There,”hesaidatlast,keepingholdofthehand,pressingittightlywithinhisgrip.“Allbetter,Ihope.Andthebombisdisarmed,andthedaysaved.Ibelieveadegreeofrelaxationwouldnotbeinappropriate.”
“Youspeaktoosoon.”Shepointedskyward,andDaniellookedup,squintingagainstthesunlight.Asuddenchillwentthroughhim.
Aswarmofpiratebattlehouseswasdescendinguponthescenelikeseagullsatapicnic,albeitenormousseagulls,wooden,architecturallydesigned,and—
Justgiveup,hisbrainadvisedwearily.
“Howdidtheyknowwheretofindus?”Aliceasked.
“Pirateshaveanunerringinternalcompassfordrama,”Nedtoldher,andbothDanielandAlicejolted,belatedlyrecollectinghispresence.DanielreleasedAlice’shandandshesteppedback.
Neddidnotsmirk,buthiswholedemeanorexudedsuchasmirkfulattitude,Danielfelttemptedtopunchhim.Thepirateshiftedhisdaughterfromonehiptotheother,andEvangelinereachedtowardAlice,graspingforsomethingtosteal.
“Hello,”Alicesaidwithmildreproof…thenwithdrewfromhersleevealace-trimmedhandkerchiefembroideredwithLatinandroses.ThisshehandedtoEvangeline,whoscruncheditinhertinyfist.
Beeeeep!Beeeeep!Beeeeep!
NowNedwastheonetojoltasthehandkerchiefbeganscreeching.ButEvangelinegiggledandflappedthecloth.Beeeeep!Beeeeep!Beeeeep!NedwhippedadeadlylookatAlice,whogazedbackwiththeplacidignoranceofeveryonewhogivesanoisypresenttoasmallchild.
“Atrocious!”someoneshoutedovertheclamor.TheyturnedtoseeMrs.Rotunderstridingacrossthefield,herenormouspinkbustleswingingfromsidetosideandherskull-and-crossbonesearringsa-clatter.Shejabbedthetipofafurledlaceparasolintothegrassaheadofeverystep,testingforcowpats.“Whydidyounotwaitforusbeforeblowingupyourcottage?!”
“Actually—”Danielbegan.
“Andwhatdoyouthinkyouaredoing,Mr.Lightbourne,exposingTheBabyinsuchcarelessfashiontotheGreatPeril?!”
“Captain,”Nedsaidautomatically,butMrs.Rotunderignoredhim.Sheflickedherwrist,andtheparasolopenedwithathwompthatsoundedlikedisdainfulcommentaryonNed’sparentingability.Reachingoutwithherfreearm,sheremovedEvangelinefromhim.
“Therenow,”shemurmuredtothechild.“NoriskoffrecklesunderAuntyGertrude’sshade.”CastingablacklookatNed,shemarchedaway.
Nedblinkedratherstupidly.DanielandAliceexchangedaglancethatdidn’tknowwhethertobeamusedoranxious,butthatmostlywisheditcouldgositinacornersomewhereandreadabook.
“Dear,”cameCecilia’scoolvoice.EveryoneturnedtoseeherexitPuckHouse.“DidyoujustallowMrs.Rotundertokidnapmychild?”
“I—”Nedbegan.
Beeeeep!Beeeeep!Beeeeep!
“GoodGod!”Mrs.Rotundercouldbeheardexclaiming.“Givemethatatonce,Evangeline.”
“Waaaaahhh!”
“No,don’tcry…”
Beeeeep!Beeeeep!Beeeeep!
Fivesecondslater,NedhadEvangelinebackinhisarmsandMrs.Rotunderwashasteningaway,mutteringsomethingaboutgoingforanicequietcupoftea(splashedwithrum).
GlancingagainatAlice,Danielnoticedhereyesglazingoverinawaythatalertedhimtoheroverwhelmedstate.Hewasnotfeelingparticularlycalmhimselfunderthebarrageofnoise.“Shallweleave?”heasked.
“Oh,youcannotgoyet,”Ceciliainterjected.“Notwhenthereisteaonoffer.”
Daniellookedaroundinbewilderment,uncertainwhenanyonehadofferedhimtea.
“MayImentiontheWisteriaSociety’seffortslastnighttocaptureus?”Alicesaid.
“Oh,thatwasyesterday,”Ceciliatoldherblithely.“Todayyouhaveprovidednewentertainment,andsoallwillbeforgiven.TheWisteriaSocietyare—”
“Volatile,”Nedsaid.
“Mad,”AliceandDanielchorused.
“Whimsical,”Ceciliatoldthemwithadelicatefrown.SheturnedtowherePleasancestoodinthedoorway.“Dear,wouldyouputonthekettle?Mr.BixbyandMissDearlovearejoiningusformorningtea.”
Morningtea?AlicemouthedbehindherhandtoDaniel.Heshookhishead,nonplussed.
Elsewhereinthefield,piratesbegandriftingfromtheirhouses,servantsladenwithteatablesandparasolsbehindthem.Cowswatchedinfascination;atanearbyfarmhouse,someonewasfranticallybarricadingwindows.
“Justacuportwo,”Ceciliasaidwithasmile,“andthenwewillflyyoubacktoLondon.Afterall,wehaveyoutothankforsavingmylife,and—”
Beeeeep!Beeeeep!Beeeeep!
Cecilia’ssmiletightened.“Evangelinedearest,canMummyseeyournewtoy?Inreturn,youmayplaywithmypearl-handleddagger.”
Asascuffleensuedbetweenchildandparents,DanieltookAlicebytheelbowandledheraside.“Tea,”hesaidinalowvoice.
“Conversation,”sheaddeddirely.
“Badminton!”Mrs.Ogdenshoutedfromashortdistanceaway,holdinguparacketandabasketofgrenades.
DanielandAlicesharedapanickedlook
Andthen,justinthenickoftime,thecavalryarrived.25afondfarewell—notwithawhimperbutabang—unexpectedtea—aprofessionalchitchat—anoldbeginning—theend
IthadbeenthelastdreamofAlice’ssoulthatsheescapefromtheWisteriaSocietywithoutfurtherinflictionofteaandentertainment.Butwhenshesawthebrickshedspeedinglowabovethefieldtowardher,unnoticedasyetbytherestofthecompany,withAgentM’sfacevisibleattheflightwindowandsalvationcloseathand,shecontemplatedforonebrief,vividmomentthrowingawayalifetime’sdutyandtakinguptheteapotofvillainyinstead.
Piratesweredreadful!raucous!endearing!Theyhadshownherwhatitmeanttobetrulyamiable.Overthepastweek,she’dbeenwelcomedintocompany,askedheropinion,fussedover,andacknowledgedasanindividualmoretimesthanshehadinherentirelife.
(She’dalsobeenthreatenedwithtortureandkidnapping,butthatwasbesidethepoint.)
Havingalwaysbelievedherselfcontentedalone,Alicewassurprisednowtorealizetheprospectofreturningtothesober,isolatinglifeofservicedidnotseemasappealingasithadevenoneminutebeforehand.Butthatwasnonsense!Ifaskedtorepeatamissionlikethisone,she’dneversay“again”—never!
Andyet…
Asthelittleshedracedcloser,churningupgrassanddirt,AliceglancedatCeciliaBassingthwaite.Thered-hairedyoungpiratewasrecitingaByronversetoherdaughterandmakingamusingfacestoaccompanyitwhileNedstolethehandkerchieffromEvangeline’stinyhand.
“Anytimeyouwish,youarewelcometovisitmeandborrowabookfrommylibrary,”Ceciliahadtoldher.Alice’sheartgavealittleflinchofwonderingshynessatthememory.Shequicklylookedaway—andcaughtsightofMissDarlingtonpickingMrs.Rotunder’spocketwhilethelatterarguedwithMrs.Ogdenabouttheproperlengthoftimetosteeptea.
“Youcertainlydisplaymoxie,”thegrandoldpiratehadtoldher,whatseemedlikeweeksago,asAlicesatwetandshiveringinherlairelegantsittingroom.Ican’tleave,Alicethoughtsuddenly.Istilldon’tknowwhatmoxieis!
Buttheshedwasuponthem,skiddingasitswiveledononecornerofitsfoundationbeforecomingtorest.Thepiratesalllookedupwithanastonishedgasp.“WellInever!”someonecried,andAlicecameveryclosetolaughing.
ThesheddoorflewopenandMiaThalassiappeared,dressedinservantblack,darkeyesflashing.Sheheldoutherhand.“Comewithmeifyouwanttogive—!”
Suddenlyshecoughed,havingbreathedtoofast,andpressedahandagainstherthroat.
“—yourmissionreporttoday,backatheadquarters!”sheconcludedweakly.
Alicefoundherselfmovingwithoutthought—primarilybecauseDanielwaspushinghertowardtheshed.Shestumbled,andMiacaughtherarm,pullingherinside.Secondslater,Danielwasbehindher,haulingSnodgrasswithhim.Thedoctorcomplainedincoherentlythroughhisgag,butDanielshovedhimtothefloor.Slammingshutthedoor,Miadashedforthewheel.ChantingLatin,sheguidedtheshedintoasoaringascent.
AliceandDanielstaggered.Thebuildingwasonlytenfeetsquare,containingnothingmorethanamunitionsbox,twosmallwindows,and,paintedonthewall,theA.U.N.T.roseentwiningasetofkitchenscales,belowwhichwaswritten“Fealty,Dignity,Laundry.”AliceandDanielhadnorecoursetostabilityotherthangrippingthewallsthebesttheycould.Snodgrasswailedasherolledintoacorner.
“Holdon!”Miaadvised,spinningthewheel.Theshedveeredsteeply,andAlicesetherfeetfartherapart,herfingersdiggingintotheclayseamsbetweenbricks.Windwashowlingthroughinvisiblegapsinthewalls.Thedoorrattled.
“Howdidyoufindus?”Aliceshoutedoverthenoise.
“IwasheadingforStarkthornCastlewhenInoticedthegatheringofpiratehouses,”Miashoutedinreply.“Usingmydeductivepowers,nottomentionmytelescope,I—”
Bang!
Theshedlurched.Bricksexplodedwithincloudsofthick,grittydust,causingSnodgrasstoscream.
“Cannonball,”Danielreportedcalmly,lookingoutthebackwindow.“It’sRotunderinherglassconservatoryagain.”
“Hownarrativelyappropriate,”Alicesaidasshestumbledacrosstothemunitionsbox.
Openingit,shediscoveredinsideseveralrifles,flamethrowers,andaratherniftyportablerocketlauncher.Takingoutamachinegun,shetossedittoDaniel.“Loadthis.”
Then,withadecidedlypiraticsmile,shereachedfortherocketlauncher.
“Wewon’toutrunthem,”Miareportedalmostcheerfully,asifshehadnothingbettertodothatdaythanbeshotatbypirates.
“Wewon’thaveto,”Alicesaid.Pullingonastringthathungfromtheceiling,shedrewdownaladder,whichautomaticallyopenedthetrapdoorabove.Assheclimbedone-handed,therocketlauncherproppedonherhip,bootscatchingonherskirtswitheverystep,shethoughtfondlyoftheTurkishtrousersMrs.Rotunderhadloanedher.Lovelylady,really;shameabouttheunrepentantcriminality.Andthecannonballs,sheaddedastheshedrattledfromanotherblow.
Risingthroughthetrapdoorintothehigh,coldsky,shenarrowedhereyesaswindrushedagainstherface.Nowthiswasmorelikeit.Thisquiet,thiswildpeacehighabovethegrimandexhaustingtoilofspying,shopping,andmakingpleasantconversation.Here,awomancouldbecomfortable—piratescertainlyhadtherightofitasfarasthatwasconcerned.Turningontheladder’supperrung,shewedgedherskirtbustleagainsttherimofthetrapdoor,proppedonebootedheelagainsttheotheredge,andliftedtherocketlaunchertohershoulder.
“Ahoythere!”Mrs.Rotundercalledjoviallyfromtheopenflightwindowofherbattle-conservatory,somethirtyfeetaway.“Youleftwithoutsayinggoodbye!”
“Goodbye,”Alicecalledback,andlaunchedtherocket.
Boom!Flamesandblacksmokeburstfromonecorneroftheconservatory.
Crash!Glassshattered.
“Welldone!”Mrs.Rotundercheered,grinning.Besideher,Mr.Rotunderwavedagreetingbeforeliftingarifle.
Aliceducked.Bulletsricochetedoffthetrapdoorroof.TheA.U.N.T.shedroseabruptly,flewovertheconservatory,thenspunninetydegreeshorizontallytofaceitsrear.Pullingarocketfromherwaistband,Alicereloadedthelauncher,bracedherself,andshot.
Sheonlywingedtheconservatorythistime,butitteeteredwildly,themagicdestabilized.Cool-faced,AlicedroppedthelauncherbackintotheshedandbenttotakethemachinegunDanielhandeduptoher.Theshedcircledaroundoncemoretotheconservatory’sfrontdoor,movingataspeedthatsentwindrushingthroughAlice’sbonesuntilshefeltasthoughshewasabirdcuttingtheairyway.Raisingthemachinegun,shetookaim.
Mrs.Rotunderlookedupfromadaintyteacuptoconsiderthisnewdevelopment.Hermouthshrugged.“Niceweapon,”shecalledout.
“Specialissue,”Alicetoldher.
“Ooh!”Mr.Rotundersaideagerly.
“Youmustcometodinneronenightandtellusallaboutit,”Mrs.Rotundersaid.“I’llsendyouaninvitation.”
“Youwon’tknowhowtofindme.”
TheRotundersglancedateachotherandlaughed.“Oh,IthinkIhaveafairideawhereyou’llbe,”Mrs.Rotundersaid.AndasAlicefiredthegunacrossherglassroof,shatteringpanels,thepiratesalutedherwiththeteacup,criedtallyho!,andswoopedawayinatrailofflamingsmokeandflaringmagic.
Aliceloweredthegunwithasigh.
Thatwasthat,then.Thepiratesweregone.Themissionanditssubsidiaryperilswereover.AndtheAliceshehadbeen,leapingonfurniture,dancing,eatingmysteriousstews,lovingDaniel…thatAliceneedednowtoshrinkbackdowntosize.
“Allrightupthere?”Danielcalled.
“Fine,”shetoldhim,althoughhervoicewastoolowforhimtohear.“Timetogohome.”
Everythingwasthesameasithadalwaysbeen.Alicefeltoddlysurprisedbythis,likeonewhowakesfromluciddreamingtodiscovertherealworldseemslessvivid,feelslessprofound,thantheoneshe’dvisitedinhersleep.ThecorridorsinA.U.N.T.headquarterswerestillshadowyandquiet—notrichwithsunlightfromanunboundedsky.Theplainblackuniformofthestaffwasstillorderly—butinawaythatnowstruckherasratherdour.Andnotdourintheusualgoodway.Depressing.AsshefollowedaseniorvalettowardMrs.Kew’soffice,shecouldnotresistreachinguptooneoftheportraitsdisplayedinapreciselinealongthecorridor,tippingiteversoslightly.
“Hooligan,”cameawhisperedvoicethatshemighthavemistakenasherowninnermonologuewereitnotforthepresencebehindher.ShedidnothavetoturnaroundtoknowthatDanielwasgivingherasternlydisapprovinglook—butthathisgun-grayeyesweresmiling.Shestoodalittletaller,swayedalittlemorefluidly,justforhim.
Andperhapsforherselftoo.Iamaprofessionalwoman,shethought.Thatatleastwassomethingshecouldcarryforwardwithher,asecretinherinnerdark.
UponarrivingatMrs.Kew’sdoor,theseniorvaletturnedtothemwithanexpressionlikeaclipboard.“AgentA,enterhere,”hesaidpointingattheofficedoor.“AgentB,continuefollowingme.”
“Why?”Aliceaskedwithoutthinking,andtheman’seyeswidened.Aliceimaginedhimwritingalargeredcrossonhischecklistofhercharacter.
“Iappreciateyouhavejustspenttimeundercover,AgentA,”hesaid,“butIwillremindyouwearenotribaldcriminalshere.Wedonotaskquestions.Understood?”
Shebitherlip,tryingnottolaugh.Behindher,atightsilencesuggestedDanielstruggledwiththesameimpulse.Alice’sheartroseatthethoughtofit.Shewantedtohughim(andkisshim,andperhapsbitehimalittle),butthevaletwaswaiting,hiseyesgrowingevenlarger,soshecurtsiedandsaid,“Understood.”
Thevalethuffed,then,withoutafurtherword,turnedandmarchedawayinthefullexpectationthatDanielwouldfollow.Alice’spulsebegantoshakeinexplicably.
“We’lltalklater,”Danielwhisperedashepassedher.
“Later,”shewhisperedinreply,extendingahand,herfingersglancinghisinthelightestoftouchesbeforehemovedoutofreach.
Goodbye,shethought,watchingpartofhersoulgowithhim.
“Alice?”Mrs.Kewcalledfrominsidetheoffice.“Isthatyou?Comein,dear.”
Alicestartledassheenteredtheroom,althoughonlysomeonewithamicroscopewouldhavenoteditonhercountenance.BesidetheChiefServantontheplump,lacysofasatHazelCoombley,theagency’sclinician.Pale-haired,dressedinflowingrobes,andbedeckedwithsuchaplethoraofjewelryshemustliveherlifeindreadofmagnets,shedidnotlookupfromherteacupatAlice—butthesenseofabsolutelyhavingherattentionmadeAlicewanttoturnaroundandrunscreamingfromtheroom.
“Welcomeback,mydear!”Mrs.Kewtrilled,gesturingwithalace-glovedhandforAlicetooccupythearmchairopposite.“Sitdown,sitdown,cometellusallaboutit!”
“Thankyou,ma’am,”Alicesaidasshecrossedtheroom.“Pleaseexcusemyappearance.”
“Yourappearance?”Hazelaskedinthesoft,strokingvoicesheemployedtolullherpatientswhiledissectingtheirpsyches.EverynerveinAlice’sbodyimmediatelydonnedarmorandhelmet.Inastateofperfecttranquility,sheloweredherselfintothechair,busilystraighteningherskirtsandaligninghersleevecuffssoastohaveanexcusefornotlookingup.MeetingHazel’slushgrayeyeswouldbelikewillinglydivingintoquicksand.
“Myhairisratherwindblown,”sheexplained,“andthisdresswasnotquitesocoveredinbrickdustwhenIbeganmyjourneyhome.Weencounteredsomelivelypursuerswhoneededdissuadingfromshootingusoutofthesky.”
Hazelleanedforward,longearringsclatteringassheregardedAliceintently.“Andhowdidthatmakeyoufeel?”
Alicereachedintohermindforanappropriateresponsebutfoundonlysilence.Shetwistedtheweddingringonherfinger,thenbecameengrossedingettingittoanexactninety-degreeangle.Mrs.Kewchuckled.
“Really,Hazeldear,Idon’tknowwhyyoubother.Youknowtheydon’ttalkabouttheirfeelings.I’mnotevensurethey’recapableofit.Tea,dear?”
AliceglancedupforlongenoughtoascertainMrs.Kewwasaskingher,notHazel.“No,thankyou,ma’am.”
Mrs.Kewpouredacupfulanyway.“Wehavereceivedareportoftheweek’seventsfromAgentV-2,whocalledusuponherhairbrush.”
ThatmadeAliceraiseherheadagain.“V-2hadacommunicationsdevice?”
“Indeed,”Mrs.Kewconfirmed.“Andluckilyso,consideringtheurgencyofherreport.Remindme,dear,doyoutakeonesugarortwo?”
“None,”Alicesaid.“Ifailtounderstandtheurgency.”
“Failureisuncomfortableforyou,isn’tit?”Hazelasked,andAliceglancedatherfleetinglyinconfusion.
“V-2wasconcernedbysomeaspectsofhowthemissionplayedout,”Mrs.Kewexplained,handingAliceacup.Shetookitnumbly.Somethingwaswronghere—verywrong.Tryingtocalmherself,shesippedthetea.
Andalmostspatitout.
“Thereisnosugarinthistea,”shesaidinastarkvoice,staringintotheblackliquid.Afaint,waveringreflectionofherfacestaredback.
“That’sright,dear,”Mrs.Kewsaidwithabewildermentsodelicate,sogentle,itwaspatentlyfalse.“Youjusttoldmeyoudon’ttakesugar.”
“Interesting,”Hazelmurmured.“Canyousharewithmeyourthoughtsonsugar,AgentA?Doesitremindyouofsomethingfromyourchildhood,perhaps?”
“Ididn’thaveachildhood,”Aliceansweredbeforeshecouldstopherself—andthenthought,Damn.
“Uhhuh,”Hazelsaidslowly,significantly.“Tellmemore.”
Fiddlesticks.Aliceinhaledwithdeliberatecalm,loweringtheteacupanditssaucertoherknee.“V-2needn’thavebeensoconcerned.Themissionwentexact—mostlyasplanned.NotonlywasJaneFairweather’strapthwartedandthesafetyoftheQueenassured,butweuncoveredSnodgrassasthetruevillain,disarmedhisbomb,andhavedeliveredhimtothecellsdownstairs.”
“Yes,thecellkeeperjustnowranguponmysugarcanistertoinformmeofthat,”Mrs.Kewsaid.“Shockingbusiness!Aperfectlygoodfireextinguisher,ruined!IhadSnodgrassinvestigatedwhenhesignedhimselfontoyourmissionwithoutauthorization,butI’dneverhaveguessedheheldsuchextremeintentions.Luckilyourcrackteamofintelligenceanalystsmanagedtolocatehisdiary.”
“Hm,hm,”HazelCoombleysaid,noddingsagely.
“Wherewasit?”Aliceasked.
“Lyingopenonhisdesk,”Mrs.Kewsaid,“containinganotescribbledinredpen:‘IshallblowthemallupontheninthofNovemberinLondon!’Ouranalystsdecodedthismomentsbeforethediaryself-destructed!(Orhadteaspilledalloverit,I’mstillnotsureoftheexactstorythere.)”
“Amazingdetectivework,”Hazelmurmured,hervoicebreathy.
“It’sunfortunatethatmyeffortstoadviseyouovertheshoe-telephonedidnotwork,”Mrs.Kewcontinued.“Obviouslysomeoneinthelabwasaloaferonthedaytheysetthatincantation—oncewefindoutwho,we’llgivethemtheboot—butyousavedthedaynonetheless.AndyoumayalsobesureSnodgrasswillgetwhathedeserves.”
“Severalyearsinprison,”Alicesuggested,rememberingDanielleapingforthecottageandalmostmissing.Shestrugglednottotapafingeragainsttheteacup.
“Severalyears!”Mrs.Kewexclaimed.“No,suchgeniusashiscannotgotowaste!Hewillbereceivingapromotion—perhapsevenamedal!”
“Hm,”Alicesaidwithoutinflection.
“Youareholdingthatcupverystiffly,”Hazelnoted.“Whatishappeningforyourightnow?Thisisasafespaceforyoutoexpressyourfeelings.”
Alicerepressedalaughatthat.Hazel’sconcernforherwasaswell-polishedasapirate’sswordandjustasdeadly.Sheliftedthecuptoherlips,thensetitbackintoitssaucerwithanentirelyreasonable,not-worth-analyzingclink.ButHazelsmirked,nodoubtinterpretingherentirepsychefromthatonesmallsound.
“Thejobhasbeenconcludedinaverytidyfashion,asalways,”Mrs.Kewsaid.“Welldone,AgentAdear!Youcontinuetobemystar!Iamcertaintherewillbeabonusinyournextpaypacket!Havingsaidthat…”Sheshruggedapologetically,buthereyesweresharplyfocused,andAlicedidnotdaremoveforfearofbeingimpaledbyadirectquestion.“V-2didfeelyouandAgentBmightbestrugglingsomewhatwiththe,uh,interestingparticularsofthemission.”
“Iassureyouwewerenot,”Alicereplied.“V-2isajuniorandnotasperceptiveasshebelieves.”
“Well…IwouldnotdescribeV-2asajunior,perse.”
“Oh?”Aliceinquiredwithatranquilitythatbeliedthesuddenshudderingofherpulseasinstincts,secrets,andwishesbeganurgentlypackingsuitcasesandconsultingmapsforgettingthehelloutofherbrain.
Mrs.Kewwinced.“Shemaybe—justalittlebit—ourbestassessor.Watchesagents,checkstheyareobeyingtherules,runssecretteststorevealanyflawsthatmaybecomeanimpedimenttothemdoingtheirjobproperly.”
“Isee,”Alicesaid,thinkingofVeronicaencouragingherandDanieltosharethebed,tryingtomakethemwaltz,talkingabouthisgoldengun…
Herstomachlurched.Hazelleanedforwardslightlyasifshecouldsenseit.
“V-2reportsthatyouandAgentBclungtoeachotherquiteabit?”Mrs.Kewwincedforhavingtoevenmentionit.
“Ourdisguisewasamarriedcouple,”Alicesaid.“Itnaturallyrequiredsomeclinging.”
“Andlastnightyoudisappeared—”
“Hidfromthepiratesthreateningtoransomus.”
“—andreturnedinthemorningslightlydisheveled.”
“Hmmm,”Hazelsaid,fascinationtuggingatherlips,andAlicealmostthrewtheteacupather.
“Ofcourse,itisnothing,”Mrs.Kewsaidwithalooseshrug,evenashergazetightened.“IamfullyconfidentyouandAgentBdidn’tcontraveneanyregulations.Afterall,youarenosilly,emotionalfool,followingherheartattheriskofseriousconsequences.Youareaprofessional.”
“Yes,ma’am,”Alicesaid.
“Youwouldneverbehaveinamannercontrarytotheagency’sCodeofConduct.”
“No,ma’am.”
“Becausethisisathriller,notaromance,isn’tthatso,AgentA?”
“Yes,ma’am.”
“Drinkyourtea.”
Aliceliftedthecuptoherlips.
Mrs.KewturnedtoHazel.“Whatdoyouthink,dear?”
HazelcontinuedtoregardAlicesteadily.“IthinkAgentAisagoodservant.Sheneedsnoreminderthat,afteralltheresourcespouredintocreatingher,shebelongstoA.U.N.T.andnooneelse.Herfeetarefirmlyonthegroundandherheadnowhereneartheclouds.IamcertainA.U.N.T.canrelyonherfromhereon.”
Alicelistenedtothispraiseandunderstooditforthewarningitwas.ShehalfexpectedHazeltobringoutabirchswitchforreinforcement.
Atthatthought,herbackandthighstingled,remindingherunnecessarily,butvividly,whatitwouldfeellike.Sheblinked,andteatrembledinthecup.
“Good,good,”Mrs.Kewmurmured.“Sowecanconfidentlyreassignher?”
“Ibelieveso,”Hazelsaid.Aliceswalloweddryly,for,inallheryearsasanagent,she’dneverheardadeaththreatsoclearlystated.
SheimaginedDanielsittinginsomeotherroominthisbuilding,gettingthesamemessage.Sherememberedhisfingershardonherjawashekissedherintopeace.Justthetwoofthemensconcedinatiny,safebubbleoflove,pretendingitcouldlastforlongerthanabubbleeverdid.
“Wecareaboutyou,Adearest,”Mrs.Kewwassaying,hervoicelikeacuddlefromsomeonewearingacardigan—thesoft,fluffywoolkindthatitchesyourskinandleavesyouwitharash.“Wearedoingthisforyourowngood.You’llleavestraightaway.AgentOiswaitingtoaccompanyyoutoBath,wherehewillintroduceyoutoyournewmissionsubject.First,though,you’llneedtobeoutfittedinservantgarb.We’llhavethatdustydressburned.”
Alicenodded,notevenglancingatthedressCeciliahadgiftedher,nottouchingitssoftmaterialorinhalingthedelicatescentofit.Shesetherteacuponthetableandwenttorise—
Andthenpaused.
“Mybooks?”sheinquired.“IlefttheminV-2’scare.”
Mrs.Kew’slaughflutteredthroughthelace-frettedlamplight.“Ohgoodness,don’tworryaboutthem!”
Aliceexhaledinrelief.
“TheywillbediscardedonceV-2returnstoLondon.Can’thavemystaragentdistractedonthejob,canI?No,dear,betterjusttoreadtheA.U.N.T.operationsmanualfromnowon.”SheproducedasmileassharpandpitilessasthethornsalongDaniel’sspine.
Alicecurtsiedtoher.
“Yes,ma’am,”shesaid.26danielistranquil—reflux—aliceistranquil—redux—butlerama—danieltakesahotbath—all’swellthatendswell
Nowords.Hehadnowords.
HestoodoutsideA.U.N.T.headquartersinthewaninglightandabsolutelycouldnotthinkofonesingleword.Theyhadtakenawayhisbooks—thatdidn’thelp.
Theyhadtakenawayhisheart.
“It’snotsafetoseeheragain,”they’dsaid,pouringhimanothercupoftea,notevendisguisingtheirmovementsastheytippedtranquilizerintoit—becausetheywerenotidiots,givingunpleasantinformationtoamanwhocouldreachoverthetableandkilltheminsecondsthensitbackdownwithoutevenwrinklinghissuit.Ofcoursetheywouldtranquilizehim.Everyoneunderstoodthis;therehadbeennoneedforobfuscation.
“She’salreadygone,”they’dsaid,watchinghimdrinkthetea.
Notlongafter,themedicalofficershadinspectedtheemptycup,frowninginbemusement.“Exactlyhowmuchtranquilizerdidyougivehim?”they’daskedthedebriefers.
“Clearlynotenough,”thedebriefershadansweredfromwheretheylay,bleedingandbruised,onthefloor,amongsttheshardsoffurniture.Then,catchingsightofDanielsittingquietlyagainstonewall,waitingforthemesstobecleanedup,they’dwhimperedandwailedandhadtobecarriedtothesickbay
He’dgoneonsittingtherealoneforawhilelonger.Maybehours.Maybedays,forallheknew.He’dstaredatthewhitewalls,overwhelmedbytheirvividness,andbytheroaringvolumeofthesilence,andworstofallbythesnarling,weepingtangleofhisownthoughts.Finally,asquadhadentered,dressedinblackcombatattire,gunsaimedathim.He’dbeenhandedabook,andthesquadhadbackedoutagain.
ItwasapaperbackeditionofAnnaKarenina,anditgothimupoffthefloor,outoftheroom,andallthewayoutofheadquarters.Noonestoppedhim—noonewasinsightatall,buthecouldsensethembehindlockeddoors,waitingforhimtogo.
Mrs.Kewmethimonthestreetoutside.“Cupcake?”sheasked,tryingtohandhimsomethingpink-icedandsosweet-smellinghisolfactorysensesnearlyimploded.
Danieljustlookedather.
Sheshrugged.“I’mlettingyoulivebecauseIexpectyoubackheretomorrowmorning.Newday,newassignment.Understood?”
“Whereisshe?”heasked.
Mrs.Kewsighed.“It’smyfault.IdecidedyououghttobeassessedafterworkingsolongundercoverwithO’Riley,butIfailedtoappreciatethedepthsofyouremotionalvulnerability.I’veseenthereportsofhowyoureactedwhenyouthoughtAgentAwasindanger.Wesimplycannotriskaweaponlikeyourselfmisfiringinsuchways.Itwillbedeskworkforyouforawhile,youngman!Justuntilwehaveyoubackinpropercondition.”
“Isshesafe?”hepersisted,althoughhedreadedthepossibleanswer.A.U.N.T.wasnotabovepruninganyonewhogrewthewrongway.
“Tsk,”Mrs.Kewsaid.“Themissionisover.AgentAisgone.TomorrowIwantyourheartwhereitbelongs—ontheScottishrumorsfileI’llbegivingyou.”
Hesaidnothing,staringunblinkinglypasthershoulderattheuntidyshapesofthecity.
Mrs.Kewbeamed.“There,Iwassureyou’dbereasonableafterall.You’remystar!Getsomerest,thenbackhereniceandearly!Wehavealairdtosavefromblackmail.”
Danieltookasteptoleave—
“Wait!”Mrs.Kewcried.
Hestopped.
“Dearboy.Please.”Sheheldoutasoft,beckoninghand,andDaniellookedatitsidelong.
“Givetheringback.”
Shespokelikeasniperwithagunaimedathim—unflinching,andentirelycapableofwipinghimout.Withoutaword,heyankedthefakeweddingringfromhisfingeranddroppeditintoherpalm.
“Excellent!”shechirped,bouncingalittleonherheels.“Now,whatisyourplanfortherestoftheday?”
“Ma’am,”hesaid,“I’mgoinghome.”
Andbeforeshecouldsmileathimagain,heturnedandwalkedaway.
Itwasalmostnightbythetimehestopped.Rainwasbeginningtoshiverthroughtheafterlight,dampeninghisshirt,chillinghim.Hedidnotnotice.Standingbeforeafamiliarmahoganydoor,hestaredatthegoldcrucifixboltedtoitscenterpanel.Hisheartsighed,huggingitself,whisperingprayersasiftheywereold,wildpoetry.Buthisbrainremainedgrimandsilent.
Heoughttoknock.Justknock,anditwouldbedone.Foreveryonewhoasksreceives,andhewhoseeksfinds,andtohimwhoknocksitwillbeopened.Buthewastooexhaustedtobebrave.
Knock.On.The.Bloody.Door.
Heliftedahand,lowereditagain.Perhapsheshouldjustleave,gosomewhereelse,pretend—
Thedooropened.
Danielstaredatthewomanontheothersideofthethreshold.Shewasradiant,andnotonlyduetothelightfromanearbystreetlampslantingoverherrich,brighthair.Holyloveseemedtoilluminateherfromwithin.Daniel’spulsebeatsohardinhiswrists,ithurt.
Andthenasuddenwashofgreenishpallorcrossedherface.Sheheldupafinger,andDanielstoppedbreathing—waiting,althoughforwhat,hedidnotknow.Herthroatheaved,andsheclampedahandoverhermouth,eyesgrowingwide.Withanurgent,mutedsound,sherushedbackinside.
“Huh,”Danielsaidblankly.“IwasnotsureofthereceptionI’dreceive,butIdidnotexpecttosickenanyone.”
AlexO’Rileyappeared;leaningagainstthedoorframe,hegrinned.“Don’tmindLottie,she’ssufferingfromwhatshecalls‘atemporaryindisposition.’?”
“Butshelookswell,”Danielsaid.“Indeed,Ihaveneverseenherso—”
“Frightening?”Alexsuggested.
Danielgavehimareproachfullook.“Glowing.”
Alexshruggedcarelessly,buthiseyesboreanunusualsheenofemotion.“Thathappens,apparently.Theproblemis,sodoesnausea,increasedsensitivitytoeverything—andImeaneverything—andanunprecedenteddesireforfootmassages.Nottomentionthefoultemper.ThankGodJanetriedtoassassinateCeciliawhenshedid,orelseLottiemightjusthavetriedassassinatingtheentireWisteriaSociety.Sherefusedtogiveuponfindingthatbloodyweapon,butsecretpassagewaysandstolenbedroomsarenotidealplacesforawomaninhercondition.”
“Cholera?”Danielaskedanxiously.
Alexrolledhiseyes.“No,Bixby,notcholera.Youlookratherunwellyourself.Whyareyouhereatmydoor,coatless,intherain?”Hepaused,hiseyesnarrowing,hisexpressionbecomingdeadlyserious—whichwasnotsomethingonegenerallylikedtoexperiencewithanotoriouspirate,butDanielfelthisbreatheaseatthesight.Alextookinhiswetshirt,dirtyshoes,thegreenstainaroundhisringlessfinger.Thedeadlyexpressionsoftenedintoconcern.
Damnit,Danielthought.Don’tlookconcerned.Ihavenodesiretostandonyourdoorstepweeping.
“CanIhelpyou?”Alexasked,gruffandtender,frowningandworried.
Danielstraightenedhisshouldersevenmorethantheyalreadywere.“ItispossibleImay…require…need…”Hestoppedhardagainstthelimitofhisvulnerability.Swordsandbombsrattledinsidehim,demandingstoicism.Insistingonisolation.Heclenchedhisjaw,blinkedtofocushisvision…andatearslippeddown
“Bixby,”AlexsaidinatoneDanieldidnotrecognize,neverhavinghearditusedwithhimbefore.Thepiratesteppedaside.“Comein.Comein.We’llfigurethisout,whateveritis,together.Comein,myfriend.”
“I—”Danielsaid,overwhelmed.He’dnotbeensurprisedbywhatA.U.N.T.haddone.Allhislife,they’dsaidhecouldhavenoheartandhe’dagreed—allofthemsureitwouldbelikeSnodgrass’sbomb,settoexplodeatthefirstgrounding.Buthe’dfoundthatheart,andthey’dtakenitfromhim.They’dtakenAlice.He’dbeensurprisedeverysecondsincebythegriefandfearanddesperatewishing.
ButnothingsurprisedhimmorethanAlexO’Rileyputtingahandonhisshoulder,holdinghimsteadywhilehefacedthethresholdbetweenserviceandlove.
“Tellhimtohurryup!”Charlottecalledoutgrumpilyfromtheinterior.“Thesepickledonionsaren’tgoingtofrythemselves!”
ItwastheseasonofLight,itwastheseasonofDarkness.MissAgapanthaKetlewmovedbetweenwhiteshirtwaistsanddeepplumdresses,yellowscarvesandblackstockings,overwhelmedbychoice.Shehadeverythingbeforeher!Itwasafeastoffashion,andherheartsprangwithhope!Shehadnothingbeforeher!Itwasawasteland,andshedespaired
“IfIdon’tfindtheperfectensembleforattendingLadyMellard’ssoiree,mylifewillbeutterlyruined!”shedeclared.
“Yes,miss,”Alicesaidtonelesslyfrombehindastackedloadofshoeboxes.
“I’msureyoudon’tunderstand!”Agapanthagavealoud,prolongedsigh.“Youprobablydon’tevenknowthedifferencebetweenceriseandpink!”
“No,miss,”Alicereplied.
Agapanthaturnedtoshareasmirkwithherotherservant,Mr.Olliver,buthejuststaredintothemiddledistancewithalltheblankprofessionalismofasecretagentforanundergroundgovernmentvalet.Hishandswereoccupiedwithvariousshoppingbags,butAliceimaginedthespeedwithwhichhemightproduceagunfromaconcealedholsterintheeventthatshethrewtheshoeboxesathimandranforherlife.
Whichofcoursewouldnothappen.Shewasagood,obedientservant.Noreasonablepersoncouldpointtoherandsayshelookedlikeshewasplanninganescape(bydistractingMr.Olliver,dashingoutthedoor,jammingitshutwithherhairslide,scalingthefrontwalloftheboutiquewiththehelpofthegripsshehadhiddeninasecretpocket,thenmakinghergetawayacrosstherooftops.Forexample).
Certainlynoonecouldproduceamapdrawninherhand,detailinghowtoleaveBathwithoutbeingcaughtbyanyoftheagentswhoshadowedher(headingsouthtothetrainstation,thendoublingbackandstealingahorsefromthepublicmews—hypotheticallyspeaking).
Indeed,sotranquilwasshe,Mrs.KewmustbegettingratherboredwiththedailyreportsaboutAgentA’sdedicationtoA.U.N.T.duty.
WhichisexactlywhatAlicewascountingon.
Nobodystoleherbooks(andherMr.Bixby)andgotawaywithit.
“Dearlove!”Agapanthasnapped,reclaimingherattention.“Whatdoyouthink?”
Aliceblinkedattheorangedressheldupbeforeher.“Ma’am,”shesaidwithoutinflection.
“Uuughh!”Agapanthasighedexplosively.“Thisisimpossible!Ineedproperadvicefromsomeonewhounderstandsfashion!”
Tinkletinkle.
Aliceglancedaroundattheopeningdoor.Shecaughtherbreath.
NedLightbournewalkedin.
“IdoloveBath,”hewassayingtosomeonebehindhim.
“Iamratherfondoftheplacemyself,”cameanelegantvoiceinreply.
Agapanthastaredwide-eyedasCeciliaBassingthwaiteentered.Beautiful,refined,thepiratewomanmovedwiththequietgraceofsomeonewhoknewthatallshebeheldcouldbehersatthemerestflickofafinger(whichistosay,afingersetagainstagun’strigger).Shewasoutfittedinagownofdeepamberstolenfromtheverybesthautecoutureprovider,anditmadethedressAgapanthahelduplooklikeasunburnedsquirrelincomparison.Herhatwasaworkofsculpturalart.
“OnemeetsthemostinterestingpeopleinBath,”shesaid,smilingsweetlyatNed.Hegrinnedinresponse.
Alice’snervoussystembegantosmolder.
“Forexample,”Ceciliasaid,trailingherfingertipsacrossarackofblouses,“thereisaninterestinggentlemanstandingoutside.Handsomeandwell-groomed,wearingaverydappersuit.”
“Ah,nothingbeatsadappersuit,”Nedreplied,pickingupadecorativemetalglovestand.Theshopattendantgavehimawarystare,andNednoddedamicablytotheman.
Alice’snervoussystembegansparking.
“Isuspectnothingbeatsthisgentleman,”Ceciliamused.“Iftheytriedto,theymightnotlivetoregretit.”Sheremovedablousefromtherackand,strippingitfromitswoodencoathanger,letitfalltothefloor.Theshopattendantgasped.
“Juststandingoutsidethedoor,yousay?”Nedtosseduptheglovestandandcaughtitagain.
“Yes,waitingincaseanyladiesneedhelpcrossingthestreettotheotherside,whereacottagehappenstobeparked.”Ceciliaspunthecoathangeraroundherhandeffortlessly.“Charminglittlehouse,exactlythesortonewoulduseifonewantedtogetthemselvesaholidayawayfromtown.”
“So,agetawayhouse?”Nedsuggested.
“Dearlove!”Agapanthasnapped,shakingthedresssoitsbeadedtrimclattered.“Areyoulisteningtome?”
Aliceturnedbacktothegirl.“No,ma’am.”
“What?What?”Agapanthagapedather.“Thatiscomplete—”
“Thedressishideous,”Aliceinterjecteddispassionately.“Itweariestheeyeandsuffocatesthebrain.ThereforeIurgeyoutobuyit,asitwillsuityouperfectly.Now,ifyou’llpleaseexcuseme.”Swivelingonherheel,shethrewtheshoeboxesatMr.Olliver.
“Ahh!”heshouted,armsflingingupindefense.Evenbeforetheshoescouldtumblefromtheirboxestothefloor,AliceintroducedtheheelofherownboottoOlliver’smidriff.Hebentdoublejustassheliftedherknee,causingacollisionbetweenitandhisnose,immediatelywhereaftersheelbowedhiminthebackoftheneck.Hecollapsedatoptheshoes,andforapiècederésistanceCeciliawhackedhimwiththewoodencoathanger.
“Thank—”Alicebegan,butwasinterruptedbytheshopassistantvaultingthecounterinamannerthatsuggestedhe’dtrainedlessinironingblousesandmoreinsecretagenting.Unfortunately,however,hemusthaveskippedclassontheday“DealingwithPirates”hadbeentaught.Hewasstillinmidairwhenthemetalglovestand,whizzingatspeedacrosstheroom,smackedintohisface.HejoinedMr.Olliverinunconsciousnessuponthefloor.
“That’swhatyougetforsellingsuchhideousorangedresses,”Nedsaid.
“Ohno!”Agapanthacriedinhorror.Everyonelookedather,fearingshe’dbeenharmed.“Itreallyishideous,isn’tit?WhatamItodo?LadyMellard’ssoireeistomorrow!”
Beforeananswermightbeprovided,twoshopgirlsappearedfromthestockroom,flickingtapemeasureslikewhips.“Goodness,”CeciliamurmuredtoAlice.“Yourorganizationreallydoeswanttokeepyou.”
“Orkillme,”Aliceansweredwithashrug.
“Goonoutside,dear.NedandIwillhandlethis.”
“It’llbefun,”Nedaddedcheerfully.HesnatchedtheorangedressfromAgapantha,threwitattheshopgirls,thenpointedtoapeach-coloredgowndisplayedontheothersideoftheroom.“Thatone,”hetoldAgapantha,pushinghertowardit.
“Thank—”Alicetriedagaintosay,butCeciliawasalreadyshooingheraway.Soshehurriedtothedoor,reachedforitshandle—
Anditopenedfromtheoutside.
“Ma’am.”
Aliceglancedatthegentlemanholdingthedoorajarforher.“Hereatlast,Isee,Mr.Bixby,”sheremarked,surveyinghiswell-dressedformasshewalkedthroughthedoorway.“Iwouldhavegotheredaysearlier.”
Hegaveherapolitebow.“Thatisbecauseyouarefarsuperiortomeineveryconceivableway.”Closingthedoorbehindthem,hemovedtoherside,placinghishandagainstthesmallofherbackastheybothscannedthestreet.Athisfirmtouch,hernervoussystemignitedinwhite-hotflames.
“Idonotneedrescuing,”sheinformedhim.“Iwasjustonthevergeofself-rescuewhenyouarrived.”
“Ofcourse.”
“IamleavingA.U.N.T.”
“Oh?”
“Yes,”sherepliedcalmly,asifshewastalkingaboutsamplinganewbreakfastcerealratherthandiscardingtheentirepurposeofherlifethusfar.“They’replanningtodestroymybooks.”
“Indeed?Byhappychance,ImyselfhaveleftA.U.N.T.’semployment—”
Aliceraisedaneyebrow.
Heshrugged,asiftherelinquishmentofhiscompleteidentitythusfarwasofnoconsequence.“Ihaven’tfinishedreadingMadameBovary.Iwishtogetitback.Consequently,I’mfreetojoinyouontherecoverymission—ifyouwant,thatis.”
“Iwant,”shesaidatonce,graspinghishandinasuddenfitofrecklesspassion.Aladypassingbynoticedandtskedloudlyinhorrifieddisapproval.Theyignoredher.
“I’msorryittookmeafewdaystotrackyoudown,”Danielwhispered.
Alicesqueezedhishand.“I’msorryIcouldn’tescapesoonertofindyou.”
“AlexandCharlottetookmein.Theymademetea—thenwaitedwhileIremadeitproperly—thenofferedtobombheadquartersforme.They…listened.”Hewincedslightly,andAliceguessedallhewasnotdescribing—thefearofbeingleftwithoutorders,structure,discipline;theconfusionabouthowexactlytobefromnowon.She’dexperienceditherself.Ifithadn’tbeenforherdeterminationtoescapeandreunitewithDaniel,shemighthavefallenintoaterrifyinginsouciance.Knowinghe’dgonethroughthesamethingmadeherfeelastrange,shadowypain.Couldthisbethe“empathy”she’dreadsooftenaboutinnovels?Ordidsheneedtovisitadoctor?
“AfterItalked,”Danielwassaying,“theykindlyletmescrubtheirfloorsandwashtheirdishes,whichhelpedmostofall.BythetimeIhadthelaundryfolded,InolongerwantedquitesomuchtoslaughterMrs.KewandtheAcademytutors.Ijustwantedyou.”
Crash!
Somethingslammedagainstawallinsidetheboutique,causingthedoortoshudder.Alicedidnotevennotice.AllsheknewwasDaniel.
“Wemadeaplan,Alex,Charlotte,andI,”hesaid,touchingabuttononherdressinawaythatremindedherofamoonlitroom,alistofrulestheyhadbrokenkissbykiss.“Alexcalledinsomefavors.Andhereweare.”
“Hereyouare,”Alicewhisperedtremulously.Shetouchedhishair,hisjaw,asiftoassureherselfofthereality.
“OfcourseIam.ItwouldbeillogicalformetostayawayfromthewomanIvalueaboveallthingsintheworld.Youaremyprimenumber,Alice.Myeyesareforyouonly.”
“Myheartisyours,”shecountered.
Hegrinned.“Youwin.”
“Getusedtoit,”shewarnedwithacrookedsmile.
Frominsidetheboutiquecameanothercrash;fartheralongthestreet,severalpedestriansinblackcoatsbegantowalktowardthem.Theairgrewchargedwithanticipation.
“IsthatCaptainO’Riley’shouseacrosstheroad?”Aliceasked.
“Yes.”Danielrubbedherbuttonbetweentwofingers,andsheswallowedheavily.AnyonegettingbetweenherandthemomentDanieldidthesamethingwiththosefingerselsewhereonherbodywasgoingtobevery,verysorry.
“Itlookslikewehaveaclearpathahead,”shesaid.
“Lookagain.”Hepointedupward,andAlicenoticedthenablackshedhoveringabovethem.Suddenlyitsseveraldoorsopenedandasquadofbutlersrappelledout,bowlerhatsstrappedtotheirheadsandriflestotheirbacks.
AliceandDanielbegantorun.
Theyreachedhalfwayacrossthewidestreetbeforethebutlerslanded.Turning,theyfoundseveralvaletsconvergingonthemfrombothwestandeast.
“Trapped,”Danielnoteddispassionately.
“Ohdear,”Alicesaid,scratchingatamarkonherthumbnail.
Andthen—
Whack!Thwomp!Smash!Theypunched,pummeled,spun,andleapedintotheairwithlegsextendedhorizontally.Nosesshattered,kneescracked,headsweresmashedtogether.Severalhatswerecompletelydestroyed.
“Whoisinchargeofcombattrainingthesedays?”Aliceaskedwithexasperationasshetossedamustachioedbutlertotheground.
“Idon’tknow,”Danielreplied,slammingtheheelofhishandintothewindpipeofavalet.“ButI’mnotimpressedwiththeirwork.”
“Theyshouldbringinaconsultant,”Alicesaidwhilekickinganothervaletinthegroin.“Perhapsafreelancecompanyrunbyexperienced,retiredagents.”
“Hm,”Danielsaid,intrigued,ashesmackedabutlerinthefacewiththeman’sownumbrella.“Acompanyalsoavailabletocivilians?Offeringcombattraining,informationanalysis,housekeepingadvice?”
“Exactly.”Aliceabsent-mindedlypunchedavalet.ShestillcouldnotquitelookawayfromDaniel,sounruffledinhisblacksuit,polishedshoes—andwithasilverringinhisear.Herheartgaveahotlittleshiveratthat.
“Thisservice,”hesaid,straighteninghiscuffs,andtheshiverbecameaveritableearthquake.“Wouldithaveabase?”
“Perhapsitmightbemobile?”Alicesaid,strivingnottomarchovertohimandripoffhiscufflinksjustsohehadtoarrangethemagain.“Atownhouseorvilla,equippedwithawheelandthelatestinflightinstrumentation.Somethingtidy,ofcourse,withplentyofspaceforbookshelves.Behindyou.”
Danielrammedthebutler’sumbrellabackward.Avaletwhohadbeenlungingathimgaveabriefcryandcollapsed.“Itwouldneedtohaveacatchyname,”hesaid.“Forexample,TheBixbyBattleConsultancy.”
“Hm,”Alicemused.Oneofthebleedingmenlyingaroundherstirred,andshesetherfootuponhischest.“Wewouldn’twantittobeanotherAuntie:dull,conservative.”
“True,”Danielsaid.“Itshouldhaveanamethatservesasabondbetweenconceptandaction.”
“AndI’mnotsurewhyitshouldhaveyournamewhenwewouldownitinequalpartnership.”
Danielsteppedtowardher.(“Ow!”criedoutoneofthebutlers,whosehandhetrodon.)Anglinghisheadtooneside,hesmiledrathershylyather.“Iwasratherhopingthenamemightbelongtousboth.”
Stoppingafewinchesaway,hestaredather—notonepartofhimtouchingher,andyethisenergypressingagainsteveryinchofherbody.Alicestaredback.HerfingerstappedherthighandDanielskippedabreath,asifshe’ddrummedthemdirectlyonhissoul.
“AreyouproposingIchangemynamebydeedpoll?”sheasked.
Hissmiledeepened.“Actually,Iwasproposingmarriage.Arealmarriage,thistime.”
“Oh!”Shetriedtocomposeaperfectresponse,butallherinnerdictionarieshadturnedtoflowers.“Well,thatseemslikeareasonableidea,”shemanagedtosay.Sheheldoutherhand.“Iaccept.”
Danieltookherhand,buthedidnotshakeitassheexpected.Instead,hehelditagainsthisheart.“Iloveyou,Alice,”hesaid.
“Iloveyoumore,”sheanswered.
Thebutlersandvaletsmoaned.
Suddenly,O’Riley’scottagedoorslammedopen.“Areyoutwocomingornot?”Alexcalledouttestily.
“Bepatient!”Ceciliaadmonishedfromtheothersideoftheroad,wheresheandNedwereleaningbackagainsttheboutiquewall,armscrossed,watchingthefightasifitweremarvelousentertainment.“Letthemhavetheirromanticmoment!”
“They’llkisssoonanditwillallbeworthit,”Nedadded,grinning.Ceciliasmackedhim.
“Kissingonthestreetindaylightisscandalousbehavior,”Charlottesaid.
“Theyjustbeatupmorethanadozenmen,darling,”Alexpointedout.“Ithinkthey’rebeyondscandalnow.”
Danielliftedhiseyesheavenward.“People,”hemurmureddisapprovingly.
“Friends,”Alicewhispered.
Thespacebetweenthemgrewwarmandheavywithamazement,hope,love.
OrpossiblywiththeshadowoftheA.U.N.T.shedhoveringlower.Suddenly,AgentMopenedtheflightwindowandleanedout.“Hellodownthere,”sheshoutedconversationally.
“Hello,Mia,”Alicecalledback,notlookingawayfromDaniel.
“Soareyougoingtosurrenderornot?”theagentasked.
“Not,”Danieltoldher,keepinghisgazeonAlice.“We’regoinghome.”
“I’vegotorderstotakeyoudeadoralive.”
“And—?”Danielasked.
Therewasamomentofsilence,thenMiashrugged.“AndIdon’tgetpaidenoughtokillawesomepeople.Ohdear,lookatyourunningtoofastformetocatchyou.Andnowyou’vedisappearedintoamazeofalleywayswhereyou’llneverbefound.Whataterribleshame.”
Theyliftedtheirheadsthentoregardherwithsurprise,andshegrinnedinreturn.Theflightwindowsnappedshut.
“Home,”Alicesaiddreamily,lookingatDanielagain.“Whereisthat?”
“Idon’tknowyet,”hesaid.“Shallwefindout?”
Shenodded.Danielliftedherhand,kissedit,andhertranquillayersdissolvedinagreat,possessingrushofjoy.
ThankGodshe’dneverbeforeknownitwaspossibletobesohappy,orshewouldhavebeenmiserablewantingit.
“Alice,mywonder,”hesaidagainstherhand.
“Daniel,mylove,”sheanswered,smiling.
Andsheputherarmaroundhim,bringinghimclosetoherside,rosesandthornsandall.TogethertheylefttheshadowoftheA.U.N.T.houseandwentintothepirate’scottage,andfromthereflewawaytogettheirbooks.EPILOGUEheavens—hearth—home
–SixteenMonthsLater–
Awutheringbreezesweptthroughthedreamingmidsummer’snight,butnotevenitschillofferedpersuasionenoughtosendthethreewomendownfromtheroof.Theysatinarowalongtheridgepole:thepirate,thewitch,andthespy.Andstaringoutatthelimitlesshorizon,theysighed.
“Foreverissobeautiful,”Alicesaid
“Yes,”CeciliaandCharlotteagreedinunison.
Astartothenorthwasflingingoffshootsoflightasifitcouldnotcontainitself.Alicewantedtoreachout,pretendtotouchit,butdecidedthatdoingsowouldbetoostrangewhileincompany.Shetappedherfingersdiscreetlyontheroofinstead.Herroof,withitsbrowntilesslopingabovewhitewallsandlinen-curtainedwindows.Herhouse.Shepatteditwithafondnessthatwassecretlyanadoring,almostobsessivelovesheneveradmittedtoanyone,notevenDaniel—althoughofcoursehewouldknow,justbylookingather.
ThislittlebungalowhadtakenthemallovertheBritishIslesinthepastyearandahalfsincetheyleftA.U.N.T.Evadingtheagency’slawyersandassassins,teachingcountesseshowtofightoffjewelthieves,sellingbankmanagerssecurityagainstthethreatofpirates(andthengoingtodinnerwiththosesamepirates,becauseitwas,afterall,justbusiness).Tryingagainandagaintofindpeace.
Theyevenhademployees.AgentMiaThalassidefectedtotheminexchangeforafastcottageandthesecretofDaniel’sspecialchokehold,andtwoofFrederickBassingthwaite’schambermaidswereonthepayrollasinsideinformants,feedingthemsecretsfromboththepiraticsocietyandA.U.N.T.(anddoingtheirlaundryeveryMonday).
Theyhadghoststoo:thechildrentheyoncewere,stillhauntingthemfaintlyinthebackgroundoftheirselves.Sad-eyedlittleAlice,heldtogetherbyalphabetsandpoetryfragments.AndyoungDaniel,whohadlearnedsothoroughlynottoflinchthat,evennow,henevernoticedwhenheaccidentallyburnedafinger,andwasconfusedwhenAlicecaredaboutit.Butshedidcare,andheknewtherightpoemstowhisperwhensheneededthem,andeverydaytheghostsgrewalittlefainter.
Alicestillhadnotlearnedhowtoflythehouse.Shesworethatthemagicpersistedinoverwhelmingher—butreally,secretly,shejustlikedtowatchDanielatthewheel.Hewassomasterful,morethanonceshe’dmadehimlandthebuildingsohecouldexpressthatmasteryinamorehorizontalfashionthanflyinggenerallyallowed.
(Althoughtherehadbeenthatonetime,halfamileabovetheShetlandIslands,whenshe’dstoodleaningforwardagainsttheopenflightwindow,thewindcaressingherface,andDanielhad…)
“Ahem,”shesaid,shiftinguncomfortablyontheroof.CeciliaandCharlotteglancedather,butluckilythedarknesshidherblush.
Thatparticulardayhadbeen,accordingtoAlice’scalculations,whenWilliamwasconceived.Orperhapsthatevening.Orlaterthatnight.Afterdiscoveringherpregnancy,they’dgivenupanylingeringnotionofpeace.Theylivednowwiththeirheartsforeverexposedintheshapeofasmall,squirmy,brown-hairedbabywitheyesliketarnishedsilverandaseeminglyendlesscapacityforemotions.Theylivedfrightened—enchanted—inlove.
Butoh,howtheylived.
“Itscaresmesometimes,”shesaid,gazingoutatthedarkness,“whenIthinkhowlongIspentalone,trappedinalifeotherpeoplemadeformetosuitthemselves.ThefearImightgobacktherestillgripsmeeverynowandagain,youknow?”
“Iknow.”Charlottetuckedherkneesupcloseragainstherheart.“Metoo.”
“ItookalltheclocksoutofmyhousewhenIfirstmarried,”Ceciliasaid.“Icouldn’tbearthetick,remindingmeofthelong,peacefulafternoonsandquietnightsinmyaunt’shouse.ButNedwasalwaysrunninglateforburglaries,andthenIneededtokeeptrackofEvangeline’sroutine,andthere’sthefactourhousemaid,whotookoverwhenPleasancegotherownbattlehouse,suffersfromrecurrentboutsofamnesia(wesuspectshe’salostprincess,althoughshedoesmakeanexcellentlambstew).SoIbroughttheclocksbackagain.Besides,quitefrankly,Icoulddowithapeacefulafternooneveryonceinawhile.”
Charlottechuckled.“YesterdayAlextookthetwinstovisitwithmymothersoIcouldhavetimetodosomereading.Ijustsatandstaredintothemiddledistanceandluxuriated.”
Ceciliasmiledsympathetically,butAlicehadtolookaway,hidingthesuddenpallorofherface.
“Whatisit?”Charlotteasked,nudgingherwithashoulder.Alicelaughedsilently,becauseofcoursethewitchhadnoticed.Sheratherthoughtshecouldlockherselfatthebackofacloset,coveredentirelybyablanket,andwhisperthatshehadaheadache—andwithinthehourCharlottewouldarriveatherdoorstepwithawillowbarkremedy.
“I’msorry,I’mananxiousfool,”shesaid.“EventhethoughtofDanieltakingWilliamanywherewithoutmemakesmyheartshake.”
“AreyoustillgettingmenacingvisitsfromyourA.U.N.T.?”Ceciliaasked.
“No.AfterDanieltaughtthelastpersonwhotriedtoassassinatehimhowtodoacarotidrestraintproperly,Mrs.Kewacquiescedandsignedtheconsultancycontract.TheinvitationtoWilliam’schristeningprobablyhelpedtoo.”
“IgetnervouswhenIleaveAlexalonewiththechildren,”Charlotteconfessed.“I’msureoneofthesedayshe’lldecidelettingthemplaywithhisswordisagrandidea.TheonlyreasonIwasabletoluxuriatewhiletheywerevisitingwithmymotherwasbecauseIhadthehouseparkedacrosstheroadandatelescopeaimedatMama’ssittingroom.Soyou’renotananxiousfool,Lissy.Or,ifyouare,Iamtoo.”
“Whatdoyouthinkthey’redoingrightnow?”Ceciliaasked,stretchingherlegsoutoverthetiles.Moonlightflowedintothewhitemuslinbillowsofherdress,illuminatingherlikealoveinterestinaromanticpoem.
“Idreadtothink,”Charlottemuttered.
“Ican’thearanycrying,”Alicesaid,tiltingherheadtowardtheroofhatch.“Shouldwegodownandcheckonthem?”Herheartyearnedasalwaysforherboys—butthenagain,thestarsweresolovely,and,asabonus,noonewasclutchingatherbosom.Solongassheknewtheyweresafenearby,shewasquitecontenttoremainuphereawhilelongerwithherfriends.
Herfriends.Fiddlesticks.Evenaftermorethanayear,shestillgottingleswhenshethoughtofit.Infact,theyweremorethanfriends,thesewomen,theirhusbands—theywereanextendedchosenfamily,atleastaccordingtoNed,whoaloneofthegroupwasnotafraidtosayit.Theywerehonoraryauntiesandunclestoeachother’schildren.
AlicewishedshecouldreachbacktolittleAlice,hunchedaloneandhurtingonadormitorybedintheAcademy,andassurethegirlthattimewouldseeherhappyandlovedjustthewayshewas.
AndthattheAcademytutorswouldwakesomethirteenyearslatertofindalltheirbirchswitchesburningatopapileoftheirshreddedtrainingmanuals.Alicesmiled.Thathadbeenafunnight.
Crash!
Thewomenflinchedatthesuddenloudsoundfromdownstairs.
“Everything’sfine!”Nedcalledout.
Ceciliaglancedwrylyattheothertwo.“Iapologize,Lissy.Almostcertainly,somethingisnotfine.”
Alicegrinnedather.“Don’tworry.Idon’tmindalittlemess.”
“Hm,”CharlottesaidwithadisapprovalthatsoundedalmostassternasDaniel’s.Shepushedherselftoherfeet,managingeasilyinhertrousers.“Ihadbettergoandcheck.”
“I’llcometoo,”Alicesaid,standing.OnCharlotte’sotherside,Ceciliaalsorose,brushingwrinklesfromherskirts.Thethreebegantostepsidelongtowardthetrapdoor.
“ThisremindsmeofthetimeAlexandIdancedinClacton-on-Sea,”Charlottesaid,swayingalittletokeepherbalanceontheridgepole.ShehappenedtocatchAlice’sglance,andaglimmerofhumorpassedbetweenthem.
“Whatisit?”Ceciliaasked.“You’vestopped.Issomethingthematter?”
“Iwasjustthinking,”Charlottesaid,thehumortuggingnowathermouth,drawingitintoacrooked,piraticsmile.“Perhapsweneednotgodownjustyet.”
“Oh?”Ceciliainquired.
“Perhapswemightgoupinstead.”
SheheldoutherhandtoAlice,whotookitwithouthesitation.Herother,shepresentedtoCecilia.
“LottiePettifer,”Ceciliachided.“Areyousuggestingwitchcraft?”
Charlotteshruggedandnodded.“Yes.”
“Excellent.”Ceciliatookherhand.
AndasCharlottewhisperedthemagicword,theyrosefromtheroof.Threewickedwomenwhohadrunawayfromwhotheyweresupposedtobeandfoundthemselves,foundeachother;threewildwomenholdinghands,sharinglaughter,astheydancedtogetherinthemidnightsky,beneathayellowmoon.
Themenstoodlookingatthebrokenvase.AlexandNed,holdingtheirswordsdown,grimacedguiltily.Danieljustsmiledandrockedthebabyinhisarms.
“Don’tworry,”hesaid.“Ihatedthatvaseandamgladtoberidofit,butnevercouldtellAlice.Mrs.Rotundergaveittoher.”
“Icleanup!”Evangelinecalledouthappily,runningtokneeldowninfrontofthebrokenpieces.Nedquicklycrouchedbesideher,takingherlittlehandbeforeshecouldtouchanythingsharp.Hepassedherthebottomhalfofthevase,whichnowlookedmorelikeabowl.
“Youholdthis,”hesaid,“andI’llputthepiecesinsideitforyou.”
“Yes!”sheauthorized,noddingbriskly,makinghergoldencurlsbounce.Nedliftedasourlooktotheothertwomen
“Soexactlywhocorruptedmychildtothisdegree?It’sbadenoughthatAuntDarlingtonhashertestingeveryone’stemperature,butthisnewmaniafortidyingissimplynotatallappropriateforapirate.”
“Don’tblameme,”Alexsaid,raisinghishandspalmout.“Imighthavetaughtherhowtouseascrewdrivertojimmyopenacaketin—”
“What?!”Nedsaid.
“—butIstilldon’tknowwhereourhousemaidkeepsthecarpetsweeper,letalonehowtouseit.”
Danielhuffedalaugh.Inhisarms,Williamhuffedtoo,mimickinghiminawaythatreachedup,tookhisheart,andsqueezedwithapainhe’dcometolove,perhapsevenhungerfor.Hesmiledgentlyathisson,entrancedbytheperfectmeasurementsofhistinyfaceandtheuncannydepthsofhiseyes,whichdefiedanyscientificexplanation.Damn,hethought.Don’tcry.
Lookingupresolutely,hefoundAlexgrinningathim.Embarrassed,heclenchedhisjawbutgotonlysympathyinreturn,thepirate’sdarkblueeyesfillingwithasentimentthatdrewhimawayfromtheothermensuddenlyandacrosstheroomtogloatoverthebabygirlscuddledtogetherinafleece-linedbasketnearthehearth.
“Wouldyoueverhaveguessedhe’dbecomesosoppy?”Nedwhispered.
“Whenhasheevernotbeensoppy?”Danielanswered,andNedchokedonalaugh.
TheyhastilysettledtheirexpressionsasAlexreturned.“ThankbloodyGod,”hesaid,draggingahandthroughhisdarkhair.“Stillasleep.”
“Piratechildrenlearntosleepthroughjustaboutanything,”Nedsaid,thenfellintodiscussingvasepieceswithhisdaughter,whosesuggestionsastotheirpotentialcriminalpurposesmadehimsmileproudly—andgrimacealittlewithtrepidationatthesametime.
“Whatdidyoubreak?”cameadryvoice,andtheylookeduptoseeCharlotteenterthesittingroom.Withherhigh,spikybootsandAlex’svoluminous,longblackcoat,shelookedmorepiraticthanallofthemputtogether.Handsonherhips,shedirectedthequestiontoAlexlikeaknifetohisthroat.
“Excuseme,”hesaid,affronted.“WhydoyouthinkIbrokesomething?Itcouldhavebeenanyone.”
Charlottehuffedalaugh.“BecauseIjustknowyou’vebeenshowingNedthatclevernewmoveofyoursthatyesterdaybrokethecrystalswanweacquiredfromLadyEspiner.”
SheandAlexbegantoquarrelcontentedly.Danieldidnotlisten,hisattentioncaughtbyAlicewalkingintotheroom.She’shere,hisheartsang,huggingitself.
Sheliveshere,repliedhisbrainwithexasperationforsuchmawkishness—thensentasmileoutalongeverynerve.
“Thisisindisarrayagain,”Danielsaidtoherquietly,touchingherunravelingcoiffureasshecameupbesidehim
“Wehavebeendancing,”shesaid.
Heleanedcloser.“Thatexplainswhyyoulooklikestarlightanddarkhorizons.”
“Alltidy!”Evangelineannounced,toddlingovertoAlicewiththeremnants.Alicesmiled,bendingdowntotakethemfromher.
“Sorry,”Alexsaid.“Myfault.I’llgetyouanewone.”
“Thankyou,Evangeline,”Alicesaid.“Andpleasedon’tworry,Alex.IconfessIhatedthatvase,butIknowDaniellikedit.Mrs.Rotundergaveittohim.”
“CharlotteandIcantakeyoushoppingforanewone,”Ceciliasuggested,andbehindherbackNedrolledhiseyes.
“Youmeanstealing,”Alicesaiddisapprovingly.
Ceciliawavedthisinterpretationaway.“Notatall.We’llsneakintoStarkthornCastleandselectoneoftheirvases.It’snotstealingwhenit’sfamily.Thursday,perhaps?We’lltakeEvangelinealongforthefun.”
“Fun!”Evangelinesangout,andpointedtwofingerslikeagun.“Bang!Bang!”Herparentssmiledatherdotingly.
“Thursday,”Charlotteagreed.“Andnow,timetogohome.”Shewrappedherarmsaroundherself,andDanielrecognizedthathersenseshadabruptlyreachedtheendoftheirendurancefortheevening.“Alex,willyoubringElizabethandAnne?”
“Sure,”heagreed,touchinghershouldergentlyashecrossedagaintothebasket.
“Wemustbeonourwaytoo,”Ceciliasaid.“Ned,rememberwehavethatburglaryatTwinkers’jewelrystoretomorrowmorning.”
“Goodluckwiththat,”Danieltoldher.“Wehelpedtheminstallseveralnewsecuritymeasuresonlylastweek.”
“Excellent,”Nedsaid,liftingEvangelineontohishipandbouncingheralittle,sharingagrinwithherasshegiggled.“Iloveachallenge,don’tI,EvieAngel?”
“YouloveEvie,”sheanswered,pattinghisface,andDanieltriednottosmirkatthesightofthepirate’ssmilemeltingashisdaughteroutcharmedhim.
Everyonedeparted,andAliceslippedawaytoprepareforbed.Danielstoodbythesittingroomwindowforalong,quietwhile,rockingWilliamtosleepandwatchingfirstAlex’soldIrishcottageandthenPuckHouseliftintotheskyandflyoff.Theskysettled,fullofstoriesmadeofstars.Theworldsoftenedaroundhim.Finally,Alicereappeared,allcleanandfreshinanightgown,smellinglikerosesfromSt.Therese.Sheputherarmaroundhim,restingherheadagainsthisshoulderasshesmileddownattheirchild.
“Allright?”sheasked.
“Perfect,”hesaid,lookingattheirreflectioninthedarkwindow,fallinginlovewiththewholeofthem.Andthenfallinginloveagain.Andagain.Countinghisbreathnownotbynumbersbutbyeachbeautifulmomenthegottoexistwithhisfamily.“Doyouhaveanyplansfortomorrow?”heasked,justforsomethingtosay.
“None,”shesaid.“You?”
“None.Whatshallwedo?”
Shesmiled,settingherhandtohisheart.
“Anythingwewant.”Acknowledgments
ThemomentBixbyandMissDearloveappearedinTheLeagueofGentlewomenWitches,itwasintrigueatfirstsightforme,andIcouldhardlywaittowritetheirstory.I’vesincecometolovethemwithmywholeheart,andhopeI’vedonejusticetotheperspectivestheybroughtwiththem.
TherearesomanypeopleIwanttooffermywarmest,heartfeltgratitudefortheirinputandsupportinthecreationofthisseries,includingKristineSwartz,TaylorHaggerty,JasmineBrown,MaryBaker,ChristineLegon,StacyEdwards,DanielBrount,StephanieFelty,BridgetO’Toole,EileenChetti,KatieAnderson,DawnCooper,AliceLawson,JeromeBuckleigh,TawannaSullivan,RebeccaHilsdon,andJorgieBain.Thankyouallsoverymuch!Mayyoualwaysbeblessedwithfairwindsandfabulousadventures!
Thisbookisevenmorefullofliteraryquotesandmisquotesthanitspredecessors,simplybecausebothDanielandAlicesettheirinternalcompasstobooks.Therefore,Iwanttogratefullyacknowledge…deepbreath…LewisCarroll,GeorgeElliot,WilliamShakespeare,JaneAusten,CharlesDickens,LordByron,ElizabethGaskell,EmilyBront?,MaryShelley,WilliamBlake,JohannGottfriedHerde,AlfredTennyson,ThomasOsbertMordaunt,HenryJames,MigueldeCervantes,GustaveFlaubert,LeoTolstoy,EmilyDickinson,BenJonson,WilliamWordsworth,andAnonymous.
Virtualhugstotheauthorsandreaderswhohavecreatedsuchagreatcommunityonline.IwishIcouldmeetyouallinpersonandgiveyouthosehugsforreal.Andtomyfamily,loveasalways,forever.
Finally,Iwanttothankmyself.Therewasaparticularmomentinmylifewhenthefutureofferedtwodivergentpaths,andalongoneroutethewildwitchspiritofcomedybeckoned,grinning.Withuncharacteristicimpulsivity,Idroppedallmymaps,allmyplans,andstartedrunningtowardherwithoutlookingback.Thewitchslippedintoshadows,herjobdone.Aflyinghouseswoopeddowntopickmeup.Iwentwithit.
AndapologiestoRobertFrost,butthatreallyhasmadeallthedifference.KeepreadingforanexcerptfromthefirstbookinamagicalnewseriesbyIndiaHolton…
THEORNITHOLOGIST’SFIELDGUIDETOLOVE
–Spain,1890–
Itwasafinedayforbirding.Almosttoofine.SunlightglazedtheskyofnorthernSpain,unrelievedbycloudorbreeze.Heatpresseddownontheforestpath.
Mrs.QuirmandMissPickeringstrolledbeneaththeshadeofhatsandlaceparasols,employingtheirwhite-glovedhandsinthemanneroffanstocoolthemselves.Everynowandagaintheylifteddelicatesilverbinocularstosearchthesurroundingtrees.Severalbirdsflittedbetweenbranches,singing,courting,andgenerallyparticipatinginoccupationstypicaltotheavianspecies.Buttheladies’quarrywasonebirdinparticular,farshyerthanthecommonbreeds.Theyhadseenglimpsesofitthroughoutthemorningandwereintentonpursuit,despitetheoverbearingweather.
“ByJove,Icoulduseaglassoflemonaderightnow!”Mrs.Quirmdeclared.
“Indeed,itisatrociouslywarm,”MissPickeringagreed.
“Rupert!”Mrs.Quirmsnappedherglovedfingers.“Lemonade,ifyouplease.”
Rupert,walkingbehindher,turnedtothecontingentofporters,guides,andservantswalkingbehindhim.Hegestured,andamanhurriedforthwithbottleandglass.Lemonadewaspoured,theglasswassetonasilvertray,andRupertpresentedit.
Mrs.Quirmtookthedrink,but,beforeshecouldbringittoherrobustlips,shesightedsomethingthatcausedhertogasp.
“Abastard,hereintheforest!”
MissPickeringstaredatherwithastonishment.Onesimplydidnotspeakofpeoplebornoutofwedlockifonewasalady,andinallhertwenty-fouryears,MissPickeringhadmetnonemoreladylikethanHippolytaQuirm,despitethevigorousgalumphingofhervocalchords.
“Youdowelltobesurprised,Elizabeth!”thewomansaidinwhatwouldhavebeentermedashouthaditcomefromalessreputableperson.“TheGreatBustardhasnobusinessbeinginaforest!Itisabirdofthefields.”
“Oh,abustard,”Bethsaidwithrelief.Nodoubttheheathadsuffocatedherearcanalasitwasattemptingtodowithherlungs.
Sheblewrestivelyatachestnut-brownstrandofhairthathadslippedoverherdampbrow.Ifonlyitwasdecentbehaviortoremoveone’shatincompany,orloosenone’scollar,orleapnakedintoanearbyriver!Ornithologytendedtobeamuckyventure—scuffedshoes,snaggedstockings,guanosplatteringone’sparasol—buttheworstofitwastheperspiration.
WhenHippolytahadannouncedtheyweregoingtoSpaininsearchoftheelusivepileateddeathwhistler,Bethhadconsideredfeigningillnesssoastoremainbehind.ShewasBritishrightthroughtohertea-flavored,rain-coloredcore,andthethoughtofasummerwithoutfogandstormshorrifiedher.Butintheendshehadbeenunabletoresisttheopportunitysuchanexpeditionoffered.Tocapturethedeathwhistlerwouldresultinuniversalaccolades.Andifanyonecouldpullitoff,itwasHippolytaQuirm,fieldornithologist,wildlyfamousauthoressofBirdsThroughaSherryGlass,andatonlythirty-oneafive-timerecipientofEngland’sprestigiousBestBirderaward
Bethwaspleasedtobethewoman’sassociate.ThemomenttheymetinEppingForest,accidentallysmackingeachotherovertheheadwiththeirnetswhiletheirmutualquarry,afinespecimenofrain-singingrobin,flewawayinateeny-tinystorm,theyknewthey’dworkwelltogether.Foronething,Bethwaspreparedtotakealltheblameforthemishap,andHippolytawasgladtogiveit.
“Youcanextendyourpost-doctoralresearchintothepsychichabitatsofthaumaturgicalbirds,”thewomanhadofferedastheywalkedbacktotowntogetherafterward,“andIcangetyourhelpinthefield.”
“Yes,”Bethhadsaidwithoutpausingforthought.Thenagain,evenifshehadtakentimetoconsiderit,she’dhaveansweredthesameway.Andnow,thankstotheirpartnership,hercareerwasgoingplaces—literallyaswellasmetaphorically.Threecontinentsintwoyears,andwhoknows,perhapsonedayevenNewZealand,landofthegiantcarnivorousmoa.
First,however,shehadtonotdrowninherownsweat.
Buckup,shechastisedherself.Atleastitwasnotasbadaschasingthefire-breathingsandcurlewinCairo.Granted,she’dbeendressedinblackatthetime,tohonortheanniversaryofherparents’death,butheatstrokealmostsawherfollowingthemintothegrave.Morethanonce,theonlythingthatsavedherfromfeverishlytumblingoffacamel’sbackhadbeentheballastofherpetticoats.IfHippolytahadn’tdiscoveredthatthecurlewlikedarrowrootbiscuits,andwasthusabletolureitintoacageforthevoyagebacktoLondon,Beth’scareerwouldhaveburnedoutbeforeitproperlybegan.Again,literallyaswellasmetaphorically—whichseemedtobetheusualstateofaffairswhenonewasinvolvedinmagicalbirdchasing.
“TheGreatBustardcanbetakenasagoodsign,”Hippolytawassaying,andBethpulledherselfoutoftheEgyptianfryingpanbackintotheSpanishfire.“Nodoubtitwasattractedtoourdeathwhistler’sthaumaturgicvibrations.We’regettingclose,markmywords.Oberhuftertriedtoconvincemetosearchfarthersouth,butIknewhewastalkingnonsense.Healwaysdoes.Iamafarsuperiorornithologisttohim.”Shetossedherhead,blondecurlsfluttering.
“Absolutely,”Bethmurmuredloyally.
“IstillcannotbelievethatmanwasvotedHighFlyeroftheYear.Whatrot!Heisanidiot,andIknowforafacthebribedtheawardscommitteewithspottednightspinnerfeathers.”
“Mm-hm,”Bethsaid,inlieuofpointingoutHippolytahadbribedthemwithstrixclaws,despitehavingnohopeofsucceeding—since,inadditiontothespottednightspinner,HerrOberhufterhadbaggedascarletthrush,afiretit,andevenabreedingpairofhornedfrogeaters,whichhedonatedtotheNaturalHistoryMuseum(andthenhadtocometakeawayagain,astheymadesuchanoisetheydroveseveralcuratorstothebrinkofmadness)—allinthesecondhalfof1889.
Granted,inthecourseofgettingthesebirds,hehadalsobrokenthelegofonerivalornithologistandtrickedanotherintocatchingatraintoSiberia,fromwhencetheysentanexcitedtelegramreportingthey’dfoundthemythicalyetiowl,andthereafterwereneverseenagain.Theawardscommittee,however,castablindeyetosuchnefariousbehavior.Abirdinthehandwasworthmorethantwobirdersinthebush,anyday
“Oberhufterwillgodowninhistoryasaknaveandcheat,”Hippolytapersisted.“AndoncewereturntoLondonwiththepileateddeathwhistler,IshallcampaigntohavehisOrnithologicalSocietymembershiprevoked.”
“Goodidea,”Bethsaid,blowingatthewaywardstrandofhairagain.
“Alittleblackmailshoulddothetrick.Butifthatfails,youcanalwaysseducethecommitteechairman.”
“Um,”Bethsaid.
“Hewon’tbeabletoescapeyourfemininewiles,notinthoseridiculoussandalshewearsoverhissocks.”
Beth,havingbeenunawareuntilthismomentthatshepossessedfemininewiles,andnotentirelysurewhattheyinvolved,couldmakenosensiblereply.Itdidnotmatterhowever,forHippolyta’sattentionhadreturnedtothetrees.
“Thedeathwhistlerisnear,Icanfeelitinmywater!Andmywaterisneverwrong!Keepyoureyespeeled,Elizabeth.We’relookinginparticularforcharredleavesorswarmsofinsects.”Sheturnedherheadtoshoutattheservants.“Insects,gentlemen!”
TheservantslookedbackwithexpressionssuggestingtheywouldliketotakeheradvisementandshoveitsomewherewithsignificantlylesssunthantheSpanishforest.
Suddenly,thetreesrustled.HippolytaandBethpaused,theirfacesliftedandtheirsensesstrainingforasight,sound,ormagicalvibrationofthepileateddeathwhistler.Behindthem,theservantstookthisopportunitytolaydowntheirburdens(literal:toolbags,birdcage,heavyboxes,picnichamper,picnictable,andchairs;andmetaphorical:wearinessforthedrudgeryoftheirjob).TheywipedtheirbrowsandpusheduptheirsleevesinamannerBethwouldhaveenviedhadshenotbeensointentuponthetrees.
“There!”Hippolytatossedasideherglassoflemonadewithoutlooking(brainingaredtuftedmousetwitterthathappenedtobepeckingaboutintheundergrowth,therebybringinganendtoitsspeciesontheContinentandlosingherself,hadshebutknownit,severalthousandpounds).Herattentionfocusedinsteadonaflutterofgoldamongsttheleaves.“Quick,thenet!”
ButevenbeforeRupertcouldorderaservanttoobtainthenetfromaporterandbringittohim,whereuponhecouldpresentittoHippolyta,thedeathwhistlerwasoff.Withaswoopofwings,itlifteditscoin-colored,peacock-sizebodyfromabranchandbegantoflyawayalongtheforestpath.
“Afterit!”MrsQuirmshouted.
Bethliftedthehemofherlongwhiteskirtandhastenedafterthedeathwhistler,Hippolytahotonherheelswitharustleofyellowtaffeta.Theyranalongthepath,parasolsbobbing,dustbillowingastheirbootsstruckthedryearth.Theservantswatchedthemblankly.
“Faster!”Hippolytaurged.
Butsuddenly,Bethstaggeredtoahalt.Thebirdglidedonashortdistancethendescendedtothepath,itswingsfolding,itsbronzecrestglintinginthesunlight.
“Whydoyoustop?”Hippolytademanded—andatBeth’surgentreply,staggeredtoahaltherselfbeforesheranheadlongintoachasm.Droppingherbinocularsinsurprise,shewatchedthemplummetseveralhundredfeettobreakagainstjaggedrocksbelow.
“ByJove!”sheshouted.
“Thedeathwhistlerseemsawareofourpredicament,”Bethsaiddrylyasthebirdflickeditslong-featheredtailatthem.
“Thechaseisnotoveryet!”Hippolytaaverred.“Iamdeterminedtoprotectthatbirdfromunscrupuloushunters”—i.e.,herrivals—“andseeitsafeintheDukeofWimbledon’saviary.Nodeathlychasmshallstopme!Propellers!”
Bethtuggedonacordattachedtoherparasolhandle.Hippolytadidthesamewithhers.Longmetalshaftsarosefromatoptheparasols’capsand,withawhirringbuzz,begantospin.Thetwoladiesproceededtoarisefromthepath.
Behindthem,theservantssaggeddownontoboxes,hamper,andchairs.Beforethem,thepileateddeathwhistlerpeckedthegroundasifentirelyundisturbedbytheintroductionofthisboisterousnewavianspecies.Aglintinitssmalldarkeyessuggested,however,thatitwasamusedandintendedtowaitforthemostaggravatingmomentpossiblebeforetakingoffagain.
HippolytaandBethangledtheirparasolsinsuchamannerastotraversethedeepbutnarrowcleftintheearth,thenalightedontheotherside.Astheydrewtheparasolsshut,HippolytaheldoutahandtowardBeth,palmup,withoutremovinghersteelygazefromthebird.
“Net,”shecommanded.
“Er…”Bethsaid.
Hippolytasnappedherfingersimpatiently,buttonoavail.Theyhadforgottentobringthenetwiththem.
“Bother!”Hippolytasaid.“Well,nevermind.”Afterall,shehadnotbecomethepreeminentornithologistoftheBritishEmpire,andtheslightly-less-eminentbutstillfamousornithologistoftheContinent,withoutbeingabletobouncebackfromsuchcalamities.Shebegandivestingherselfofherpuff-sleevedjacket.“Weshallsneakuponitandtossmyjacketoveritshead.”
“Goodplan,”Bethsaid.Shewasabouttowishherluckforsuchariskyventurewhenthewomanhandedoverthejacket.
“Nowremember,Elizabeth!Whenfrightened,thedeathwhistlermakesadreadful,fatalnoise,like—”
“Oi!Lookoutbelow!”
Atthisholler,HippolytaandBethdidexactlytheoppositeofwhatitcommanded:theylookedup,intothecanopyoftheforest.Amancameleapingdownfromatree,hislongbrowncoatsoaringbehindhimwing-like.
Birdsstartledandtooktotheair.Foroneawfulmoment,Bethheardthefirstperilousnotesofthedeathwhistler’scry.Butevenasherheartbegantoshudder,themansnatchedthebirdandtuckeditsheadbeneathhisarm,renderingitsilent.Tawnyfeathersruffledwildly,briefly,thensettledintocalm.
Theinterloperbowedasmuchaswaspossiblewithasizablebirdinhisarms.Hewasslightlyunshaven,andalockofblackhairfelloveronedarkeyeroguishly.“Goodafternoon,ladies,”hesaid,grinning.
“Mr.Lockley!”Beth’sshockedexclamationonlyjusthungonbyitsfingertipstodecorum.“Whatdoyouthinkyouaredoing?”
Hisgrindeepened.“IthinkI’mstealingyourbird,MissPickering.”
“Whoisthisrogue?”Hippolytademanded.
“DevonLockley,”Bethexplained,frowningatthemanasheshookbackhishair.“He’saprofessoratCambridge’sornithologydepartment.”ShehadbeenintroducedtohimduringtheannualBerkshireBirdersmeetinglastmonth.He’dnotmademuchofanimpression—shabbycoat,nicesmile,moreinterestedinthesausagerollsonofferthanintalkingtoher.Atypicalmaleprofessor.Hecertainlyimpactedmoretoday,jumpingdownbeforetheminastylethatevokedderring-do,bravado,andnocumbersomepetticoats.Itwasprovocativebehavior,tosaytheleast,andhisunstarchedtrousers,clingingtostrongthighs,onlymademattersworse.Bethabsolutelywouldnotblush,forshewasanEnglishwoman,butinside,herheartwasfanningitselfurgentlywithahandkerchief.
“Cambridge,”Hippolytasaidinthesamemannerwithwhichonemightopentheirsteakpieandsaymaggot.“AndwhatsortofnameisDevonLockley?”sheadded,nevermindthatherownname,HippolytaAlbertinaSpiffington-Quirm,oughttohavedisqualifiedherfromasking.
“ThesortthatunimaginativeparentslivinginDevonshiregivetheirchild,”themansaid.“It’sanhonortomeetyou,Mrs.Quirm,especiallyasyousokindlyshepherdedthepileateddeathwhistlerintomytrap.Bothmyselfandmyassociate,HerrOberhufter,thankyou.”
“Oberhufter!”Hippolytaimmediatelywithdrewadaintysilverpistolfromapocketofherdressandaimeditathim.ButDevon’ssmileonlyquirked.
“Isympathize,madam,butthereisnoneedtodothat.”
“Therecertainlyis!Handovermybirdatonce,yourapscallion,orIwillshootyou!”
“PerhapsImisspoke,”herepliedcalmly.“WhatImeantwasthereisnopointindoingthat.Wetookthelibertyearlierofremovingyourbullets.”
Hippolytagaspedandshookthegun,asifthiswouldinformherofitscontents.
“We?”Bethasked.
Inresponse,Devonglancedoverhershoulder.Theladiesturnedtoseehalftheirservantstiedandgagged,andtheotherhalfabscondingbackalongthepathwithtoolsandfoodhamper.Seatedatthewrought-ironpicnictablewasalargegentlemaninatansuit;heliftedhisderbyhattotheladiesincheerfulgreeting.
“Oberhufter!”Hippolytaexclaimedagain.“ByJove,thisisoutrageous!”
“Nomadam,”Devonsaid.“Itisornithology.”
Devonknewheoughttohaveimmediatelyhotfooteditoutofthere.Mrs.Quirmwasthewiliest,mostunscrupulousbirderonthecircuit,andshe’djustprovedthelengthstowhichshe’dgoinordertoobtainpossessionofthedeathwhistler.Buthecouldn’tresistsparingamomenttosmileatMissPickering.HerememberedherfromarecentmeetinginBerkshire,wherehe’dbeensoboredhe’daskedforanintroductiontotheprettyOxfordprofessor,intendingtoflirtalittletopassthetime.She’dprovedsocourteouslyagreeable,however,thathisboredomveeredtowardstupefaction,andhe’dbeenforcedtoriskthedigestiveperilsofthebuffetjusttomakehimselffeelalive.
Butdangit,shereallywaspretty,witheyesasblueastheAlaskancatcatchingwarbler,amouthassoftasamorningkiss,andasweet,heart-shapedface—althoughitwasalsoarathersweatyface,andcurrentlyscowlingathimasifshe’dliketostabhimwithherfurledparasol.Hewishedshewould.Prettywasnice;naughtywaseversomuchbetter.
Hehadajobtodo,however,andMrs.Quirmwasreachingforherhatpininamannerthatsuggestedamasteryofnaughtinessevenhecouldnothandle.SohetookanabruptstepforwardandsnatchedMissPickering’sparasol.
Shegasped.“Goodheavens!Thereisnoneedtobesozealous!I’msurewecannegotiate—”
“Negotiate?!”Mrs.Quirmcriedoutwithhorror.
“I’mhappytonegotiate,”Devonsaid.“Hereismyoffer:Itakethebird,andyouwavegoodbyenicely.”
Withthat,heflickedopentheparasolandengageditspropeller.MissPickering’seyeswidened,andDevonfearedshemightcry.Poorgirl,sodowntrodden,sotimid,shewasnodoubt—
Er,actually,shewasbeatinghimwithMrs.Quirm’sparasol.Havinggrabbeditfromtheotherlady,shesparednoeffortinwhackinghimaboutthelegsashebegantorisefromthepath.Delighted,Devongrinnedather.Then,withonekick,heknockedtheparasolfromherhand,causingittoflingawayintothechasm.
“Sorry!”hesaidwithouttheslightestremorse.
“Idonotacceptyourapology!”shecalledoutinreply.Thisdefiancecastalivelyflushuponherface,andDevonconsideredsomeflirtatiousprovocation,perhapsablownkiss,justtoseeifhecouldtipherintotrulybadmanners.Butthemechanizedparasolwasalreadycarryinghimaway.
Untilnexttime,hepromisedsilently,andhisbloodthrobbedatthethoughtofit(orpossiblyduetothebeatingshe’dgivenhim).
BethseethedinamostunladylikewayasshewatchedDevonflyacrossthechasmandlandeasilyonthefarside.Besideher,Hippolytahadforsaken“ladylike”andmoveddirectlyontohooliganism,withseveralmutteredprofanitiesescapingfrombetweenherclenchedteeth.(Bethcouldnotfullyhearthem,butneverthelesswasrenderedshockedindeed.)
Ontheothersideofthechasm,HerrOberhufterroselanguidly,fanninghimselfwithhisderbyhat.Heperformedanextravagantbowtotheladies.
“Thankyouforyourassistanceintrackingthebird!”hecalledover.
“Blighter!”Hippolytashouted,firinghergunseveraltimesathimandthusprovingitschamberswereindeedempty.
HerrOberhufterdidnotevendoherthecourtesyoflaughingvillainously.HeturnedtohelpDevonplacethepileateddeathwhistlerintothelargeironbirdcageHippolytahadbroughtforthisverypurpose.DevoncoveredthecagewithHippolyta’spicnictablecloth,therebycreatingacalmdarknesstoappeasethebirdbeforeitcouldutteritsdeadlycries.Then,withoutfurtherado,themenwalkedaway,carryingthestolendeathwhistler(whichistosay,attendedbyoneoftheladies’servantscarryingthestolendeathwhistler),leavingHippolytaandBethinthemiddleoftheforest,milesfromcivilization,severalthousandpoundspoorer,andalmostcertainlynotintherunningforanawardattheInternationalOrnithologyConferenceinJuly.
“I’llpluckyourfeathersyet,Oberhufter!”Hippolytashoutedafterthem.
“Tooright,”Bethagreed.And,asDevonLockleyturnedhisheadtothrowonelastcrookedsmileather,shewipedthebackofherhandacrossherheatedfaceinthemostscandalousmannerindeed.Photocourtesyoftheauthor
IndiaHoltonlivesinNewZealand,whereshehasenjoyedthetypicalKiwilifestyleofwanderingaroundforests,livingbarefootonislands,andmessingaboutinboats.Nowshelivesinacottagenearthesea,writingbooksaboutunconventionalwomenandcharmingrogues,anddrinkingfartoomuchtea.What’snextonyourreadinglist?
Discoveryournextgreatread!
Getpersonalizedbookpicksandup-to-datenewsaboutthisauthor.
Signupnow.
_143283231_