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WhitneyDineenThisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,locales,andsituationsaretheworkoftheauthorsoveractiveimaginationandvoicesinherhead.Anyresemblancetopeoplelivingordead,events,etc.ispurelycoincidental.AndIdon’tmeanmaybe.
Copyright?byWhitneyDineenin2020;allrightreserved.
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,copied,scanned,photographed,ordistributedinprintorelectronicformwithoutexpresspermissionoftheauthor.Butlet’sfaceit,ifyouloveit,she’llprobablyletyousharesmallportions.Youstillhavetocontactherfirst.
MadeintheUnitedStates.
September2021Edition
EbookEditionASIN:B09DPDVXGD
https://whitneydineen.com/newsletter/
33PartnersPublishingDedicatedtowhichevertelevisionstudioturnsthisintoaTVseries.
Comein,it’stheperfectsetupandyouknowit.TableofContents
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
Epilogue
AbouttheAuthor
Excerpt:RelativelyNormalChapterOne
“I’msorry,whatdidyousayyournamewas?”IpracticallyyellinthedirectionofmyphoneasIfuriouslytypeawayonmylaptop.I’mamulti-taskerextraordinaire,whichisgoodbecauseinmybusiness,timeisalwaysoftheessence.
Ishiftmycomputersoit’swedgedupagainstthesteeringwheelofmythree-year-oldAudi.“April?Likethemonth?”Iaskthecaller.
“ItisAbreeeeeel,”theculturedLatinavoiceechoingthroughmycarspeakerstellsme.“AbrilValencia.YouwererecommendedtomebySandrineFlowers?”Sheaskslikeit’saquestionIshouldalreadyhavetheanswerto.
“HowisSandrine?”It’sbeenagessinceI’veseenmyoldclient.Iknewtheminuteshemovedintohernewplace,thatlovewasrightaroundthecorner.Sandrinehadn’twantedtolookattheColdwaterCanyonproperty,claimingthecommutetoherofficewasadealbreaker.
WhenItoldherIwaspositivethat’swhereshewouldfindherhappyending,shehemmedandhawedandstilltriedtofightforthehouseinBenedictCanyon.ShefinallygaveinwhenIexplainedtheBenedicthousehadsadnesswrittenalloverit.Likeseriously,Ithinkthere’dbeensomekindofgnarlydeaththereorsomething.
ItturnsoutSandrine’sfuturehusbandlivedrightnextdoortotheColdwaterproperty.Theywereengagedwithinfourmonths,andthreemonthsafterthatIattendedtheirveryfancyweddingattheFourSeasonsHotel.Aweeklater,IlistedbothoftheirhousesandfoundthemtheperfectmaritallovenestinMalibu.Itwasarealestatetrifecta!
“Sandrine,sheisasbigasahousewithlosbebésinsideher,”Abrilannounces.“Butsheissohappyandshesayssheowesitalltoyou.Shesaysyouareherfairygodmother,hermatchmaker.”
“I’mnotamatchmaker,”IsayasanimageofYentefromFiddlerontheRoofpopsintomyhead,full-onwithababushkaandanall-knowinglookinhersquintyeyes.
“Youfindthehousethatbringsthelove,no?”
“No.Imeanyes.ButIammoreofanintuitiverealtorthanamatchmaker.Idon’tknowwhotheloveinterestwillbe,Ijustknowwherethelovewillhappen.”ThatsoundssketchierthanI’dintendeditto,butyougetmydrift.
“Iamalsoreadyforthelove,soIcallyoutohelpmefindit.Whereshouldwestartlooking?”
“Let’smeet,”Itellher.“Iwon’tstarttogetafeelingfortherightareaforyouuntilIhaveachancetogettoknowyoubetter.”Icheckmycalendar.“IcanmeetyouforcoffeeateleventomorrowmorningatPerkyCupsonMelrose,orFridayattwoatTheFarminBeverlyHills.”
“Iftomorrowistheearliest,Iwillmeetyouthen.”ShehangsupbeforeIcantellherwhatIlooklike.GuessIwilllookforalovelornLatina.
Ihurryandpresssend,andvoilà,theofferforXanderFellowsissubmitted.HisperfecthouseisinHancockParkeventhoughhewassurehewasdestinedtoliveinVenice.HewasconvincedHancockParkwastoofamilyorientedandwouldn’thavesinglemenwithinmilesofhisdoorstep.IassuredhimthatsinglemenlivealloverLAandthatifitwasalong-termrelationshiphewaslookingfor,thentheHancockParkhousewastherightplaceforhim.
Afterclosingmylaptop,IpulloutontothestreetinthedirectionofmyofficeonSunsetBoulevard.IworkatPemberleyPropertieswhichiseverybitassnootyasitsounds.
Myofficeisfullofwomen,andonlywomen—otherthanmybossFrederic—whoknowhowtoplayuptheirassetstotheirbestadvantage.Simplyput,theyhavebleachblondehairextensions,wearfive-inchstilettos,andtheirboobspracticallyexistinanotherzipcode.I’mnothinglikethem.
I,EmilyHargrove,amtheepitomeofthegirlnextdoor.I’maMaryAnninaworldofGingers.Ifyouweren’taNickatNitefanaticlikeIwasandtheGilligan’sIslandreferenceislostonyou,I’maBetty,notaVeronica;aMonica,notaRachel;aReese,notanAngelina.
HowintheworlddidIwindupworkingforaglamorousbrokeragefirmlikePemberleythen?Mybestfriendandqueenbeeofsales,SkylarMatisse,gotmethejob.Atfirst,Fredericwouldonlytakemeonatrialbasis,asIclearlydidn’tlooklikehisvisionofsuccess.Butaftersellingthreehousesinaweek,henolongercared.Iwasamoneymaker,andhewaswillingtooverlookmyfaults,akanormalphysicalattributes.
Theunwrittenruleattheofficeisthatnobrokercanbeunderfivefootnine.Asifonlygiantscansellmulti-million-dollarhouses.That’swhymyfellowbrokersstaggeraroundlikethey’restilt-walkersinthecircus.
WhileIdidtrytoatleastmeettheheightrequirement,Ifelloffsaidshoesonthreeseparateoccasions.Thefirsttime,IaccidentallypushedaclientintotheswimmingpoolofthehouseIwasshowinghim.Ifellinalso.Thesecondtime,ItrippedandlandedontopofFrederic.Hemayhavewoundupwithahairlinewristfracture—themanneedsacalciumsupplement,ifyouaskme.Thethirdtime,Ifelloffacurbintooncomingtrafficandnearlygotrunoverbyagold-platedHummer.
Afterthelastoccasion,mybossdecidedthatifIweretolivelongenoughtomakehimahugeamountofmoney,hewouldhavetobendhisruleandletmewearloafers,orVans,dependingonhowIwasdressed.Itwasthesafestdecisionforall.
Asifmystyleandheightaren’tenoughtosetmeapart—I’masolidfiveeightinflats—myhairisbrowninsteadofblonde.Ihaveneverpenciledmyeyebrowsintogiantcaterpillarswithsquaredoffedgesinmylife,andnooneisallowedtosupergluellamalashestomyeyelids.Idon’tevenhavecooltattoos.Infact,Idon’thaveanytattoos.I’mjustnotthatgirl.
I’drathereatburgersthansushi,pitchatentonthebeachthanstayatafive-starresort,andhorrorofhorrors—accordingtomycoworkersanyway—I’dratherbeaB-cupthangoundertheknifeandhaveballoonsstuffedinsidemychestcavity.
AccordingtoSkylar,I’mrefreshingandnatural.AccordingtoLucy,theoneagentwhohatesmewithavigorouspassion,I’mboringandboyish.ShethinksanythinglessthanaD-cuplacksfemininity.
Idon’tusuallyhaveanytroublewiththeotheragentsbecauseIdon’tengageinofficedrama.Also,mostofthemaren’ttheleastbitthreatenedbyme.Hence,theybarelygivemethetimeofday.
Theybattlewitheachotherallthetimeoverwho’sgoingtosecurethenewestjaw-droppinglisting.TheyfightdirtytowinthebusinessofthelatestHollywoodstarorthemostrecenttechrefugeefromtheSiliconValley.Ijustkeepmyheaddownanddon’tparticipateintheirrealtorHungerGames
Ido,however,gototheiropenhousesandsupportthem.Whilethey’recompetitive(likerealestateisabloodsport),IneedtoseeeveryhouseIcaninordertofindtheperfectdwellingsformyclients.
Notallmyclientsaresingleandlookingforlove.Asamatteroffact,Ihavealmostasmanymarriedcouplesassingleones.Themarriedones,whoknowaboutmyextratalent,arelookingforhomeswheretheirunionwillflourish.
Aspreviouslymentioned,thosehomesaren’talwayswheremyclientsimaginethey’lllive.ItcanbehardtoconvincesomeonethatPasadenaiswheretheirhappyendingiswaitingwhentheirheartissetonthePalisades.
Whileyoumightthinkmysixthsensewouldmakemethemostsuccessfulbrokerintheoffice,you’dbewrong.ThisisLA.It’sthelandwhereartificeiskingor,aseverycastingdirectorthissideofStudioCitywilltellyou,theplacewhereyouhavetolookthepartyouwanttobecastas.
Ifyou’rein,oradjacentto,theentertainmentindustryinanyway,thatgenerallymeansgoingtotherightparties,datingtherightkindofpeople,andlivingintherightneighborhood.
I’vehadalotofclientswhodon’ttakemyadvice,andagoodnumberofthemareperfectlyhappy.Trueloveisn’tasimportanttothemasprojectingtherightimage.
Mostimage-consciousclientschoosetoworkwithbrokerslikeSkylar,Lucy,Crenshaw,ortheothergalsinmyoffice.Theywanttobuytheirmonolithichomesfromsomebodywholooksliketheirideaofperfection.Ifthatweremycriteria,I’dhavetomovetotheMidwestwherepeopleareinherentlymorereallooking
AssoonasIparkmycarandwalkintotheoffice,Inoticeeveryonehuddledaroundmydesk.They’restaringatagiantvaseofflowersthatwasn’tthereearliertoday.Ihurryover,usingmyelbowstopartthecrowdwhennecessary,andpullthecardoutofLucy’shands.Itreads:
I’mreadytobuylove.Whencanwemeet?JonathanSilverChapterTwo
EventhoughIdon’tdevourHollywoodnewslikeasycophantstarlet,IstillknowwhoJonathanSilveris.He’stheheadofRavenswoodFilms,themoviestudiothat’sbeenchurningoutacrazy-longstreakofaward-winningfilms.
“WhydoesJonathanSilverwanttoworkwithyou?”Lucydemands.“Andwhatintheworlddoeshemeanby,‘readytobuylove?’Areyouamadameindisguise?”Shesneersthelastquestioninsuchawayastosuggestthat’stheonlywaysomeonelikeJonathanwouldchoosetoworkwithme.
Nooneintheoffice,exceptforSky,knowsaboutmytalentformatchingpeopletothehousethatwillleadthemtotruelove.It’snotsomethingIadvertiseandmywholeclientbasecomesfromwordofmouth.Onehappycustomertellsafriend,whotellshersister,andsoon.WhichleadsmetobelievethatsomebodyinmyRolodexmustknowJonathanSilver.
IsmileatLucyassincerelyasIcanbeforeanswering,“Ihavenoideawhathemeant.IguessIshouldgivehimacallandfindout.”
ThethrongaroundmydeskeventuallybeginstodispersewhentheyrealizeI’mnotgoingtodothatinfrontofthem.Theonlypersonwhodoesn’tleaveismyboss,Frederic.Thesmileonhisfaceradiatesnothingshortofgreed.Iassumehe’ssalivatingoverthecommissionwe’llgetfromwhateverhouseJonathanbuys.
Heconfirmsmysuspicionswhenhesays,“Don’tsellhimanythingundertwentymil.Ihavefourlistingsrightnowthatyoucanchoosefrom.”
“Frederic,Jonathanwillmakeuphisownmindaboutwhichhousehewants.I’lloffertoshowhimyourproperties,butIcan’tguaranteehe’llgoforanyofthem.”
Mybossshakeshisbaldheadatme.FredericlookslikeavillainfromaMasterpieceTheatreshowthattakesplaceinVictorianLondon.He’sshort,bald,hasapencil-thinmustacheheactuallywaxes,andhiseyesaretooclosetogether.IfIdidn’tknowbetter,I’dthinkhehadarapsheetamilelongforoffensesthatinclude,butaren’tlimitedto,tyingwomentotraintracks.
“I’mnotkidding,Emily.Iwantyoutosellhimoneofmylistings.”
“I’mnotkiddingeither,Frederic.I’lldomybest,butImakenopromises.”Mybosstoleratesmynon-deferentialattitude,whichisgoodbecausethere’snowayIcouldfawnalloverhimliketheothergirlsdo.ChrisHemsworth,he’snot.
AfterFredericstompsaway,Skyscurriesoverandmouths,“OMG!”Thensheleansinandwhispers,“Let’sgetoutofheresowecantalk.”
SkylarandIhavebeenfriendssincethenightwemetatabrokerpartyinBelAir.Iwastheonlyfemalebrokerwithbrownhairinaseaofplatinumblondes.I’dalreadyhadthreepeoplegivemetheirdrinkorders,whichalertedmetothefactthatIshouldneverwearblackpantsandawhiteshirttoapartyagain
WefirstchattedwhenIfoundherstandingoutsidebytheedgeoftheproperty,whichhappenedtobeaperilousprecipicethatlookedkindofdangerous.Ihurriedoverandaskedifshewasokay.Sherespondedbyorderinganothergimlet.Ifiguredsheneededit,soIgotitforher.Itwasn’tuntilIdelivereditthatItoldherIwasn’tawaitress.
Shefelthorribleaboutthemix-upandburstintotears.Sheconfidedthatherveryrecentex,oneHowardVanNagle,hadshownupatthepartywithanotherrealtorfromheroffice.IfyouguessedLucy,youwouldbecorrect.
IpromisedSkylarthatLucywasacheapknockoffversionofher—thoughtheylookeerilysimilar—andthatanymanwhocouldn’tseethatwasn’tworthhertears.Wehadlunchthenextdayandhavebeenfastfriendseversince.
Inmyperipheralvision,IseeLucy’ssidekickCrenshawpracticallythrowafileinourdirectionbeforedroppingtoherkneesandstartingtocrawltowardus.Asfaraseavesdroppingmovesgo,itlacksfinesse.
“Let’sgotomyhouse,”ItellSky.“Thewallsdon’thaveearsthere.”IaddthelastbitforLucyandCrenshaw’sbenefit.Lucyistryingsohardtooverhearourconversationshelookslikeshe’sinjeopardyoffallingrightoffherManolosand,asI’vementioned,Crenshawisonthefloorslitheringtowardus.
IownatownhouseonBurtonWayinBeverlyHills.It’sacuteneighborhoodclosetoabunchofrestaurantsandshopsthatdon’toverlyinterestme.ThereasonIwounduptherewasbecausemyoldpianoteacherusedtolivethere.IfellinlovewiththeplacewhenIwasakid.
MymomdroveusallthewayfromSierraMadretoBeverlyHillsbecausemysisterwassomethingofavirtuosoandMadamJeanettewasthebestteacherinahundred-mileradius.Iwasnotparticularlygood,butMomassuredmeI’dfindmyGod-giventalentsomeday.Inthemeantime,shefiguredaslongaswe’dmadethecommute,Imightaswelltakealesson.
Myhouseisn’tbig,whichsuitsmefine.IlivetherealonewithmyPersianrescuecat,George,andit’stheperfectsizeforus.Myneighborhoodispredominantlyfilledwithfamilies,whichalsosuitsmebecauseitmakesforaquieterlivingexperience.
Sofar,mygiftforfindinglovehasn’tworkedonmyself.I’veneverwalkedintoapropertyandthought,“Emily,thisisyourloveshack.”ButwhenIsawmyoldpianoteacher’shousewasonthemarket,IinstinctivelyknewthatI’deventuallymeetthepersonwhoneededtolivetheresoIwentaheadandboughtit.
Skyfollowsmetheshortdistancetomyplace.We’resittingataredlightonSunsetwhenasilverPorsche911withracingstripespullsupnexttoher.Iwatchintherearviewmirrorasthedrivermotionsforhertorolldownherwindow.Whenshedoes,hethrowsabusinesscardthroughit.Classy.
Stufflikethathappenstomyfriendallthetime.SheoncehadapilotleavethecockpitonaflighttoVegastoaskheroutforadrink.Skyisalwaysgraciouswhenshe’sbeinghiton,butsherarelyacceptssuchinvitations.Forasmuchasshelookslikeafemmefatale,she’sprettyshy.
Wemanagetofindtwoparkingspotswithinablockofmyfrontdoorandafterwegetoutofourcars,Iteaseher,“Who’sthehottieinthePorsche?”Shepullsouthisbusinesscardandhandsittome.“Noway!JonathanSilver?Nowonderhe’scallingmetohelphimfindlove.Hisgameistotallyoff.”
“He’sprobablybookedhislastdozendateswiththatdrive-bymaneuver.I’msuretonsofwomengooutwithhimforthecaralone.”
“Thatmaybethecase,butifhe’sclaimingtobelookingfortruelove,Idon’tthinkthat’sthewayhe’sgoingtofindit,”Itellher.
AsIwalkthroughmyfrontdoor,Georgejumpsoffthetopofthebookshelvesandlandsonmyshoulder.It’samaneuverhe’srecentlyperfectedandhe’sveryproudofhimself.Istopandpraisehimbeforeheadingtothekitchen.“Whitewineormartini?”Iask.
“Martini.”Skylarkicksoffhershoesandplopsdownonthecouch,releasingagroanofsheerrelief.“WhodoyouthinkgaveJonathanSilveryourname?”
“Itcouldbeanyone.Youknowhowthistownworks.”
Shelaughs,“ThethreedegreesofAidanTurner?”ItusedtobethesixdegreesofKevinBacon,butlastyearwehadanepiphany.TheKevinBacongamewasdesignedforeverydaypeoplewholivedanywhereontheplanet,fromIowaandIceland.InHollywood,therearebiggerfish,andtheyarealotcloserby,sowereducedthedegreesandpickedsomeoneclosertoourageofthirty-two.
“MaybeAidanTurnerrecommendedyou,”myfriendsuggests.
“Whodidhegetmynamefrom?”
“MaybehisandJonathan’smaidsaresisters,andtheygotyournamefromtheirbum-holebleacher,”sheteases.Thistowngoestosuchridiculousextremestoachievetheirideaofperfection,itbogglesthemind.Justthethoughtcausesafullbodyshuddertoovertakeme.
“There’sonlyonewaytofindout.”IpullabottleofGreyGooseoutofthefreezerandpouritintotwomartiniglasses.Iaddthebarestwhisperofdryvermouthtoeachbeforegarnishingthemwithbluecheese-stuffedolives.Handingonetomyfriend,Iannounce,“I’mgoingtocallhim.”
Ipickupthebusinesscardhegavetoherandpunchhisnumberintomyphonebeforeputtingitonspeaker.
“Yes,”heanswerspracticallybeforethephonerings.
“I’mcallingtothankyoufortheflowers.”Idon’ttellhimmyname.It’snotthatI’mtryingtomakehimuncomfortable;Ijustwonderhowmanywomenhe’sgivenflowerstotoday.
“Ah,EmilyHargrove.Thankyouforcalling.”
Huh,sojustme.OnepointforJonathanSilver.“Whorecommendedme,ifyoudon’tmindmyasking?”
“Afriendofafriend,”heanswersevasively.
“Itakeitfromthecardontheflowersyou’relookingtosettledown?”Iask.
“Iam.Thistownandthisindustrydon’tseemconducivetostablerelationships.Idon’twanttofallintothesametrapeveryoneelsedoes.”
“Whattrapisthat?”Iask.Therearesomany.
“TheonewhereIhavetodatecosmeticallyenhanced,insanelysuccessful,andfilthyrichwomen.Sofarthatcombinationhasn’tworkedforme.”
Ican’thelpit;Ihavetochastisehim.“Throwingyourbusinesscardintoapassingcarisn’tnormallywhatlastingrelationshipsarebuilton.”
“I’msorry,isthatathing?”Hesoundsgenuinelyconfused.
“MyfriendwasjustdrivingdownSunsetandthathappenedtoher.”Surelyhe’llknowhe’sbeencaughtnow.
“Whatloserdidsomethinglikethat?”
What’sheplayingat?“Accordingtohisbusinesscard,theloser’snamewasJonathanSilver,”Itellhimplainly.Ican’tstomachliars.EvenifIcouldsellthisguyatwenty-million-dollarhouse,I’mnotsureIwanthisbusiness.
“I’mgoingtoturnonmyvideo,okay?”Jonathanasks.
“Oooookay,”Itellhimnervously.Thelaststrangerwhodidthatshowedmehispackage,unclothed.ItoldhimIwasclearlynottherealtorforhim.
Theimagethatpopsuponmyphoneisthankfullynotadickpic.It’spointingatastreetsignthatsaysAlbemarleStreet,andit’sdarkwhereverthatis.“Whereishe?”ImouthtoSkylar.Sheshrugshershoulders,soIaskJonathan,“Where’sAlbemarleStreet?”
“London,”heanswers.“Youdon’thappentoknowwhatkindofcarthemanwasdriving,doyou?”
“Silvernine-elevenwithracingstripes,”Itellhim.
“Ah,thenthatwouldhavebeenmybrotherSteven.PleasetellyourfriendI’dbehappytogiveherhisnumberifshe’sinterested.”
Skylarshakesherhead.“Notnecessary,”Itellhim.“Whenareyougoingtobeintownsowecanstartlookingforyourhouse?”
“I’mbacktomorrownight.IcouldmeetyouFridayafternoon.Justnametheplace.”
Sandrine’sfrienddidn’ttakemytwoo’clockopeningonFridayandI’vebeencravingthefrenchfriesatTheFarmsomethingfierce,soIscheduleJonathanatthattime.“Great,I’llseeyouthen,”hesays.
“Don’tyouwanttoknowwhatIlooklike?”Iask.
“IalreadyGoogledyou.I’mlookingforSandraBullockcircalatenineties.”
Well,that’shighpraise.Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeencomparedtoherbefore.“Okay,Jonathan.IlookforwardtomeetingyouonFriday.”
“Metoo.”Hehangsup.
“SandraBullock?”Skylarasks.“Ithinkwe’dbetterGoogleapictureofMr.Silverandseewhowe’redealingwith.”WhilemostpeoplehaveheardthenameJonathanSilver,hedoesn’tgarnerGeorgeClooneycoveragefromthemedia.Hence,Ihavenoideawhathelookslikeandmycuriosityisdefinitelypiqued.ChapterThree
AbrilValenciawavestomeassoonasIwalkintoPerkyCups.“Emily,hello!”shecallsout.
“Abril?”Iaskthepetitebrunettewiththedelicatelycurvyfigure.She’swearingyogapantsandahoodie,butshemakesthemlookliketheheightoffashion.
“Yes,itisme,Abril.”Shethrowsherarmsaroundme.“YouareeverythingSandrinesaidyouwereandmore!”
“WhatdidSandrinesay?”Ican’thelpbutask.
“Shesaidyouwereacamelliainaseaofcarnations.”
Ihavenoideawhatthatmeans,soIchangethesubjectandask,“Haveyouordered?”
“Iorderedapotofhibiscusteaandlemonsconesforbothofus.Ihopeyoudonotmindmychoosingforyou.”
“Notatall,”Itellher.“Thatwasverynice.”Ifollowherbacktothetableshe’salreadysecured.“Whydon’tyoutellmealittlebitaboutyourselfandwhatyouthinkyou’relookingfor.”
“ImovedtoLosAngelestwentyyearsagoforcollegeandIloveditsomuchIstayed.”
“Whatkindofworkdoyoudo?”Iask.Shelookslikeakeptwomanandwhilethat’safairlycommonoccupationaroundhere,Ican’timaginethat’ssoifshecontactedmehopingtofindlove.
“I’mafabricdesigner,”shetellsme.“Icreateone-of-a-kindtextilesforclientswhowishtohavesomethingthatnooneelsehas.”
“Whataninterestingjob,”Isay.“You’reobviouslysingle,yes?”
“Iam,butInolongerwishtobe.Howdoyousay,myeggsaregettingold?Iwantthebebésbeforeit’stoolate.”
That’ssomethingIhearalotof.IfyouhaveyourfirstkidatfortyinLA,you’rerightontime.Unfortunately,ifyou’renearingthatageandyou’renotinarelationship,paniccansetin.“Doyouhaveanypreferencesforwhereyouwanttolive?”Iaskher.
“SandrinesaysIdonotgettochoose.Shesaysyouwilltellmewheretolive.”
“Askingmyclientswherethey’dliketoliveisalwaysagoodstartingoffpointthough.”
Shebreakshersconeinhalfbeforetakingasmallbite.Iwaitwhileshechewsitandwatchasamyriadofemotionscrossherface.Shelookspensive,thensad,andfinallyresigned.“IdonotwanttoliveinCenturyCity,”shefinallyannounces.
“Butwherewouldyouliketolive?”Ipersist.
“AnywherebutCenturyCity.”
“Abril,haveyoujustgottenoutofarelationship?”Iask.
“Wouldthatmatter?”
Ishrugmyshoulders.“Notnecessarily,Ijustwonderedifmaybeyouwereontherebound.Ifthat’sthecase,Imightnotbeabletofindtherighthouseforyou.Itmightnotbetimeyet.”
“Donotworryaboutthat.Itispasttime.Youaregoingtofindmetheperfecthouseandtheperfectmanwillfollow;Ijustknowit.”Shechangesthesubject,“Howdidyoucomeuponthisgiftofyours?”
“IhadareallybadfluwhenIwasseventeen,”Itellher.“Myfeverspikedtonearlyahundredandsixdegrees.Ican’tsayforsurethat’swhenmygifthit,butIdoknowthingschangedformeafterthat.”
“Howso?”
“Istoppedworryingaboutstuff.Ihadthisoverwhelmingfeelingthateverythingwouldworkout,andthatbeinganxiouswasawasteoftime.NottoomanymonthslaterIwenthouseshoppingwithmyaunt.Shewasnewlydivorcedandneededtorelocatequickly.SheshowedmetwodifferentplacesandIbeggedhertobuytheonethatwashersecondchoice.”
“Didshelisten?”Abrilasksexpectantly.
“Nope.Sheboughtherfirstchoice.”
“Iamconfused.Howdoyouknowthattheotherhouseiswhereshewouldhavefoundlove?”
“Shemetaverynicemanacoupleofyearslaterandstarteddatinghim.”Itellher,“HelivedrightacrossthestreetfromthehouseIwantedhertobuy.”
“Ah,butshefoundhimanyway,no?”
“Shedid.Itjusttookheralittlelonger.”
“Didyouknowatthetimeyouweregoingtobearealestateagent?”sheasks.
Iblowonmyteatocoolitbeforeanswering,“Ididn’tknowforfivemoreyears.IthoughtIwantedtobeanarchitect,butitturnsoutIdidn’thaveanaffinityforit,andIwoundupchangingmymajortoarthistory.”
“Howdidthatleadtorealestate?”
“Itdidn’t.Oncemyauntmarriedthemanwhowouldhavebeenherneighborhadshelistenedtome,shestartedsuggestingIaccompanysomeofhersinglefriendswhentheywerelookingforhouses.Onceafewofthemlistenedtomeandfoundtheirsoulmates,IstartedtorealizeIhadagift.”
“Youarelikeagoodwitch,”shesays,clappingherhandstogether.
“IliketothinkthatGodisusingmetohelppeopleout.Idon’tthinkthere’sanythingmagicalaboutwhatIdo.Ijusthaveanextrasenseisall.”
“Nomatterwhatyoucallit,Ithinkyouaregoingtobeabighelptome,andIcannotwaittogetstarted.”
WespendthenextfortyminutestalkingaboutwhatAbrilwouldlikeinahome.Shewantsthreebedroomsandtwobathroomswithadecentsizedyard.She’sprettyadamantthatshewantsmaturefruittreesontheproperty,whichshouldbeprettyeasytofind,asmanyneighborhoodsinLosAngelesusedtobeorangeorlemongroves.
“Givemeaweek,”Itellher.
“ButIwanttostartlookingrightnow!”shesaysexcitedly.
“Ineedtostudythelistingsthatareavailableandthenwaitfortherighthouse,orhouses,tomakethemselvesknowntome.”
“Willtherebemorethanonehouse?”
“Theremightbe,”Itellher.“Oneofmyclientshadachoiceofthree.Herfuturehusbandlivednearoneofthem,hisdaughterlivednextdoortoanotherandthethirdwasacrossthestreetfromhismom.”
“So,theloveisalwaysaneighbor?”
“No.Onemanboughtahouseandfellinlovewithhisneighbor’smaid.Afemaleclientboughtahouseandfellinlovewiththebaristaatthecoffeeshopdownthestreet,wheresheboughthermorningcoffee.Peoplefindeachotherinallkindsofdifferentways.”
“Itdoesnotalwayshavetodowiththehousethen?”sheasks.
“Ithasmoretodowithmakingsuremyclientsspendtimeinacertainarea.Althoughsometimesthehouseplaysanespeciallyimportantrole,likeitdidforSandrine.”
Abrilreachesacrossthetableandtakesmyhands.Shesqueezesthemandsays,“OhEmily,Icannotwaittofindoutwheremyhappyendingisgoingtohappen.Iamsoready.”
There’sasadness,analmostdesperationaboutherthatmakesmewonderwhatherstoryreallyis.Butshedoesn’tseemtowanttotalkaboutitbeyondtellingmethatshedoesn’twanttoliveinCenturyCity.
Ipromisetobeintouchwithhersoonandadvisehertokeepanopenmind.Sheassuresmeshedoesn’tcareifherfuturehusbandisagardeneroraking.Sheonlywantslove.
Whatintheworldhappenedtothispoorwoman?ChapterFour
LucyLamour—Ilongagodecidedthiscouldn’tpossiblybeherrealname—issittingatmydeskwhenIgetbacktotheoffice.She’sstaringattheflowerarrangementJonathansenttome.“CanIhelpyou?”Iaskher,doinglittletodisguisemyirritation.Ishouldeithertaketheflowershomeorputthemupbyreceptionwhereeveryonecanenjoythemwithoutcomingovertomydesk.
Sheglaresatmeandannounces,“ImetJonathanSilveratapartylastmonthandIgavehimmybusinesscard.Thisshouldbemyarrangement.”
“Isupposeifhewantedyoutobehisrealtoritwouldhavebeen.Givingsomeoneyourbusinesscarddoesn’tmeanyou’vestakedaclaim.”Itrytoshooherawaywithmyhands.
Shestandsuptoherfullfivefootnineinherridiculousfootwearandasserts,“It’smoreofaclaimthanyouhave.”
“Yet,hesentmetheflowers.”Ican’thelpbutrollmyeyes.
“Don’tthinkforaminuteI’mnotgoingtofindoutwhyyougothisbusiness.”HerthreateningtonesuggestsI’mblackmailingJonathanorholdingaguntohiscat’sheaduntilhebuysahousefromme.
SkyandIoncetalkedaboutleavingPemberleyandgoingoutonourown,butIliketheconvenienceofworkinginanestablishedoffice.Sure,mybossesgetacutofmycommissions,butI’mnotresponsibleforpayingtherentonthebuilding,theelectricitybill,oranyoftheotherexpensesthatwouldgoalongwithhangingmyownshingle.Myhoursaretoolongasitis.
AfterLucyfinallyslinksaway,Skycomesovertomydeskandperchesonthecornerofit.“StevenSilverworkswithhisbrotheratRavenswoodFilms.He’stheCFO.”
“Andyou’retellingmethis,why?”Iaskher.
“I’mguessinghiscardandhisbrother’slookalotalike.Hemusthavethrownhisbrother’saccidentally.”
“And?”Iprompther.It’sclearshewantstotellmesomethingelse.
“He’sasgoodlookingasJonathanis,”shesayswhilepretendingtobefascinatedbyherridiculouslylongfingernails.ThepicturesGooglecoughedupofJonathanSilverwerekindofstaggering.AccordingtoarecentissueofPeoplemagazine,he’ssixthreeandlooksmorelikeamodelthanabusinessman.Darkbrownhairandblueeyeshavealwaysbeenmyweakness.
“DoyouwantmetogethisinformationfromJonathanwhenImeetwithhimtomorrow?”
Skyshrugs.“Ihatethewholebusinesscardinthewindowthing;it’ssocheesy.”Iarchaneyebrowather.“Maybejustgethiscard.Thatdoesn’tmeanI’mgoingtocallhimoranything.”
“You’vegotnojudgmentfromme.I’llgetitandyoucandowhateveryouwantwithit.”
“When’sthelasttimeyouwentoutonadate?”myfriendasks.“Itfeelslikemonths,amIright?”
“IthinkitwasthatbuilderwhoaskedmeoutafterwemetatourofficeChristmasparty.Allhewantedtotalkaboutwasrealestatethough.Itwaskindofinsulting.”
Skyshiftsherlegs,crossingherleftoverherright.“Butyouwanttodate,right?”
“YouknowIdo,”Itellher.“IjustneverseemtomeettherightmenandI’mnotaTinderkindofgirl.”
“Iwasthinkingitmightbefuntothrowapartytogether.Wecoulddisguiseitasanetworkingevent,butwecouldalsouseittomeetavailableguys.”
“Wherearewegoingtofindthesementoinvite?”Afterall,ifweknewwheretolookforthem,wewouldn’tneedtothrowaparty.
“Ithoughtyoumightasksomeofyourclientswhoarealwaysrecommendingyourservicestotheirfriends.Accordingtothenumberofreferralsyouget,therearetonsofpeoplelookingforrealloveoutthere.”
Iconsiderherideaforaminutebeforeasking,“Wherewouldwethrowit?Allthecoolvenueswouldbesoloud,itwouldbehardtogettoknowanyone.”
“HowaboutCastleGreeninPasadena?Iwenttoaweddingthererecentlyanditwasreallybeautiful.Wecoulddoheavyhorsd’oeuvresinsteadofdinnerandsetupfoodstationsallovertheballroomtoforcepeopletomingle.”
“Pasadena?I’mnotsurewe’regoingtogetanyonetodriveallthewayoutthere.”
“Aslongaswewordtheinvitationright,they’llcome.Iwasthinkingsomethingalongthelinesof‘FallinLovewithYourFuture.’Wecouldsellitassingles/realestatemeet-and-greet.Youknow,withoutcomingrightoutandofferingspeeddatingoranythinglikethat.”
“Huh.Letmethinkaboutit.Youmighthavesomethingthere.Ifnothingelse,IcaninvitethepeopleI’vealreadysoldhousestowhoarestillwaitingfortheirsoulmates.”
Skykicksoffhershoesandswingsherfeetlikealittlekid.“Asyouknow,mysisterSerenaworksforacateringcompanyinPasadena.Ibetthey’dgiveusadeal.”
Ilookatmyfriendcloselyandrealizethatsomeofhernormalradiancehasdimmed.“Whydon’tyouletmeshowyousomehouses?MaybeI’dbeabletosteeryouintherightdirection.”
“We’vebeenthroughthis,”Skysays.“It’snotthatIdon’tbelieveinwhatyoudo,IjustlikelivinginPasadena,evenifit’snotas‘cool’astheWestSide.”
Sky’sgrandmotherleftherandhersisterabeautifulhouseonOakKnollBoulevard.It’sthekindofplaceyoucouldraisesixkidscomfortably.ItholdswonderfulmemoriesforSky,butshecan’taffordtokeepherinterestinthehouseandbuysomethingelse.Realestateinourpartoftheworldistooexpensiveforthat.
“Allright,countmein,”Itellher.“Let’strytogetacoupleofbignamestoagreetocomesothatwecanusethosetolureotherpeople.”
“NameslikeJonathanandStevenSilver?”Skyasksnonetoosubtly.
“Maybe.Letmemeetwiththeguyfirst.Fromhispicturesandpress,helookslikearealplayerandneitherofusareinterestedinthat.”AlthoughfromthelookofanticipationonSky’sface,I’mthinkingshe’sopeninguptotheideaofJonathan’sbrother.
Insteadofcoppingtoit,shesays,“Justbecausetheyaren’trightforusdoesn’tmeantheywon’tberightforsomeoneelsethat’sthere.Remember,onewoman’strashisanotherwoman’sTrojan.”
Ilookatmywatchandsay,“TalktoSerenaandletmeknow.IneedtogetouttoLosFeliztoshowFrankandTanyathatpinkpalacewiththepettingzoo.”
Skylarslipsoffmydeskandslidesintohershoes.“Theymustreallylikeanimals.”
“I’mnotsurewhythey’remeanttolivethere,Ionlyknowthatit’sthehousewherethey’llbethehappiest.”
“Whenshouldwethrowourparty?”SkyaskswhileIscoopupafewfoldersoffmydesk.
“HowaboutValentine’sDay?”Iask.“Ifeveryoneissingle,there’snootherplacetheyhavetobe.”
“Let’sdoit!”Skyclapsherhandstogetherlikeawind-uptoymonkeybangingcymbals.“AslongasthevenueandSerena’scompanycanaccommodateus,thatwouldbeperfect.”
“Seeingyouthishappymakesmethinkweshouldthrowmoreparties.Wheredoyoustandaboutinvitingpeoplefromouroffice?”
“Youknowtherules.”Skysighsdeeplybeforeadding,“Thewholeofficehastobeinvitedtopartieswehostthathaveabusinesstheme.”
“ThatmeansLucyandCrenshaw.”Iremindher,“YoualreadyhaveasordidhistorywithLucystealingyoursignificantother.”
“Anymanstupidenoughtogooutwithherisn’tworthyofme.”Thankgoodnessmyfriendfinallysoundslikeshebelievesthat.Thensheasks,“Youwanttohavedinnertonight?”
“Ican’t.I’mpreppingformymeetingwithJonathantomorrow.FredericishoundingmetomakesureIhaveafullpresentationready.”
“Goodluckwiththat.Fredericisamajorpaininthebuttwhenhetakesaninterestinourclients.”
Ishrug.“It’llbeworthitifIcansellJonathantherighthouse.”BeforeIcansayanythingelse,myphonerings.“Speakofthedevil,it’sJonathanSilver.”ChapterFive
IwavegoodbyetoSky,grabmyfoldersandpurse,andhurryouttomycar.“Hello?”
“Emily,it’sJonathanSilver.IhopeI’mnotinterruptingyou.”
“NotatallJonathan,”IsayasIpluginmyBluetooth.“WhatcanIdoforyou?”
“SomethingcameupatworktomorrowafternoonandIcan’tmakeourmeeting.IwaswonderingifwemightbeabletogettogethertonightafterIgethomefromtheairport.”
“Tonight?”Ipracticallysqueak.There’snowayIcanhaveapresentationreadyforhimsoquickly.
“Wheredoyoulive?”heasks.Hewantstocometomyhouse?
“I’monBurtonWayinBeverlyHills.Whereareyou?”
“I’minBeverlyHills,aswell.WouldyoumindifIstoppedbyaroundnineo’clock?Iknowit’slate,butIdon’twanttoputoffourmeetingfortoolong.”
“Iguessthatwouldbeokay,”IsaywhileturningaroundonSunsetBoulevardandheadinginthedirectionofLosFeliz.
AfterIgivehimmyaddress,hesays,“I’llseeyouthen.”HehangsupbeforeIhaveachancetorespond.
Ineverletclientscometomyhouse,notthatanyonehaseveraskedtobefore.Imean,whywouldthey?Ieithermeetthemattheirplaceorsomepubliclocation.IwonderifIshouldcallJonathanback.Idon’thaveachancethoughbecausemyphoneringsagainandI’monacallwithaclientallthewaytomydestination.
TherestofthedaypassesinablurofactivityandIdon’tgethomeuntileighto’clock.DimlightingwillhavetohidethefactthatIhaven’tdustedintwoweeks.Ihurrytotakeashowerandblow-drymyhairbeforepoppingopenabottleofwineanduncoveringthesmallcharcuterieplatterIboughtatBristolFarmsonmywayhome.
Bythetimetheclockstrikesnine,thelightsaredimmedandthere’safirecracklinginthefireplace.Isuddenlyrealizethatmygoaltocoverupmylackofhousekeepingskillshasmadethingsappeartooromantic,butIdon’thaveachancetochangeanythingbecausethedoorbellrings.
Ihurrytostraightenmytop.Shoot,maybeIshouldhavewornasuitinsteadofavintageINXSt-shirtandjeans.Thisiswhyyoushouldn’tletclientsintoyourhome.Thewholesituationisunnaturalandisthrowingamajorcurveballintomynormallychillgame.
Ipullopenthedoorandsay,“Hey.”It’snotJonathan,though.It’smyneighbor,Mrs.Feldman,allfourfeetnineofher.She’swearingahousecoatandiscarryingaflashlight.Sheannounces,“Mr.Knucklesgotoutagainandhewentstraightforthetree.Canyouhelpme,dear?”
“Themagnoliatreeagain?”Iaskwhilegrabbingmytennisshoesfromunderthebenchintheentryway.
Shenodshergrayinghead.“Thatkittyisgoingtogethimselfkilledifhe’snotmorecareful.”ShelookslikeshecouldhaveplayedahobbitintheLordoftheRingsfranchise.
“I’mexpectingcompany,”Itellmyneighbor,“butIshouldhaveenoughtimetogetMr.Knucklesforyou.”Ihurryoutsideandaskhertopointtotheareawherehercatis.ThenIclaspmyhandsaroundthelowestbranchandthrowmylegoverittogetenoughleveragetoclimbup.
Mr.KnucklesistheugliestcatI’veeverseen.Helooksliketheoffspringofanorangecalicoandblackandgraylonghair.Histemperamentmatcheshisappearance,butMrs.Feldmandoesn’tcare.Shelovesthemangything.
“Totheleft!”shecallsout.“No,yourotherleft!”
“Mrs.Feldman,I’llfollowthelight.KeepthelightonMr.KnucklesandI’llfindhim.”
Ihearaloudhissandascreech,andIstopmovingalongthebranchI’mstandingon.There’smorethanonewildanimalinthistreeandIbrieflyworryitmightbearaccoon.Isureasheckdon’twanttomesswithoneofthose.
“Mrs.Feldman,”Icalldown,“I’mgoingtothrowmyshoesinMr.Knuckles’directionandtrytogethimtocomedownonhisown.There’ssomethingelseuphere.”
“Don’thurthim!”
I’dliketobeanthelittleturdrightontheheadforhavingmeupatreeforthethirdtimethisweek,butIpromise,“I’llthrowitnexttohim,notathim.”ItossmyNewBalancesneakertotherightofmynemesisandallhedoesishissatme.
So,Islipoffmyothershoeandthrowitclosertohim.Hisbackarchesbeforejumpingtotheground.Mrs.Feldmanscoopshimupandscolds,“You’reabadboyandI’mnotgivingyouanycatniptonight.”
That’llshowMr.Knuckles.
Mrs.Feldmanandherdemonpetheadbackintohertownhousewithoutanotherwordtome.I’venevertriedtoclimbinoroutofatreewithoutshoesonandthebottomofmybarefeetaren’tveryhappyatthethoughtofit.
Steppingonaknottyspotonthebranch,Iletoutacryofagony.ImumblesomethingaboutgoodfornothingpaininthebutthairyrodentstryingtopassforcatswhenIhearadeepvoicecallout,“Areyouokayupthere?”
Ididn’thearanyonecomingorIwouldhavekeptmyranttomyself.“Yeah,I’mgood,thanks.”
“Doyouneedahand?”
“Ifyouwouldn’tmindstandingtherewhileItrytofigureouthowtogetdown,I’dappreciateit.”Imightneedsomeonetocallthefiredepartmenttorescueme.
Thebottomsofmyfeetcan’thandleclimbingdownthesamewayIclimbedup,soIsquatdownandsitintheforkbetweenthebranchandtrunk.Thevoicebelowyellsout,“Whydon’tyoujustjump?”
“Idon’thavemyshoeson,”Ianswer.Ican’tseewhatmyrescuerlookslikebecauseMrs.Feldmantookherflashlightwithher,butIseetheshadowofhim.“Idon’twanttoripmyfeetup,”Iexplain.
“Maybethat’ssomethingyoushouldhavethoughtaboutbeforeclimbingatreebarefootatnineo’clockatnight.”
“Yeah,I’vedefinitelylearnedmylesson,”Ireplysarcastically.WhatkindofGoodSamaritanscoldsthepersonhe’sofferingtohelp?“DoyouseewhereI’msitting?”Iask.
“Ido,”comeshisquickreply.
“I’mgoingtoscootdown.Maybeyoucouldtrytocatchme?”
“Howmuchdoyouweigh?”hecallsup.
Ishekiddingme?I’mnotgoingtotellhimhowmuchIweigh.Ianswer,“Ahundredandfivepounds.”Won’thebeinforashockwhenthatextrathirty-fivepoundshitshim?
“One,two…”IlaunchmyselfatthesametimeIshoutthree,catchingmyknightinshiningarmorunaware.Webothslamintothegroundwithzeroamountofgrace.Thegoodnewsishesoftensmylanding.
Whilepushingmeoffhim,headmonishes,“It’sthreeandthenthejump.Notthreeonthejump.”
“Sayswho?”Idemandwhileavertingmygaze.Ifeelthetiniestbitembarrassedbymyless-than-elegantdescent.
“Sayseveryonewho’severcorrectlyparticipatedinacountdown,”hecounters.“WhenNASAcountsdownalaunch,it’sfive,four,three,two,one,blastoff.Notfive,four,three,two,blastoff.”
Afterstandingupanddustingmyselfoff,Istarttohuntformyshoes.OnceIhavethem,Isay,“Ibegyourforgiveness.Thanksforyourhelp.”Idon’tsoundintheleastsincere.Ijustturnaroundandwalkbacktomytownhouse,leavingtheknow-it-allbehind.
Distractingmyselffrommypainedfeet,Iwonder,“WheretheheckisJonathanSilver,anyway?”IwanttohurryupandgetthismeetingoverwithsoIcangotobed.OnceIgettomyporch,Iopenthedoorandthrowmyshoesinaheadofme.InearlyplotzwhenIrealizeI’mnotalone.Mywould-behelperisstandingrightnexttome.OMG,isheacriminalorsomething?
I’mabouttoopenmymouthandscreamwhenhesays,“You’reEmilyHargrove?”
“JonathanSilver?”Idemand.Ishouldhaverecognizedhisvoice,oryouknow,openedmyeyeswhenIlandedonhim,butIwastoobusybeingannoyed.ChapterSix
“Whatwereyoudoingupinatree?”Jonathanasks,soundingmorethanalittleconcernedformysanity.
“Iwasrescuingmyneighbor’sbuttheadcat,”Ianswerwhileindicatingthatheshouldfollowmeintothehouse.OnceIturnaroundtoshutthedoorbehindhim,InearlygaspoutloudwhenIgetmyfirstin-personclose-upcandlelitlookofhim.Holyheck,Jonathan’sphotosdon’tdohimjustice.ThismanlookslikeagodinaMarvelmovie.
He’swaytallerthanme,I’mguessingwelloversixfeet,andhisshouldersarenearlyaswideasthedoor—Imaybeexaggeratingslightly,butevenstill,wow!
“Didyougethim?”heasks.
Itemporarilyloseallcognitiveability.“Getwho?”Howisitpossibleforsomeonetobeasgoodlookingasthisguy?Hesmellsgood,too.Ihavetoforcemyselfnottoleaninandsniffhim.
“Thecat.”Thelookonhisfacesuggestshemightbeabouttocutandrun.
“Ithrewmyshoesathimandhejumpeddown.Mrs.FeldmantookhiminsidebeforeIcouldaskhertoretrievemysneakers.”
Noddinghisheadlikehe’sdecidingImightbeacandidateforBedlam,hesays,“So,you’reEmilyHargrove.”
“Yup.Andyou’reJonathanSilver.Shouldwegetstarted?”I’mnotasuperbigfanofinanesmalltalk,butinthisinstance,it’sgivingmesometimetotrytosettledownfromtheshockofmynewclient.
AsIleadthewayintomylivingroom,Jonathanasks,“Whatwouldyouliketoknowaboutme?”
“Firstofall,wouldyoulikeaglassofwine?”Iaskhim.
“I’mgood.It’spracticallymorninginLondon,whereI’vebeenallweek.Winedoesn’tsoundverygood,butI’lltakeawaterifyouhaveit.”
Ihurryintothekitchentoretrieveabottlefromtherefrigerator.WhenIturnaroundandseethathe’sbehindme,I’mstruckdumbbythehaloofgoldlightthatradiatesoutwardfromhimtoencompassthewholeroomaroundhim.Thatusuallydoesn’thappenuntilIstartshowingmyclientshouses.Whatintheheckisgoingon?
“Areyouokay?”Jonathanasks.
Handinghimthewater,Iinstruct,“Followme.”ThenIleadthewaybackintothelivingroomwhereIsitdownonthecouchbeforetuckingmyfeetunderacashmerethrow.“Whydidyoucontactmeagain?”
“Ialreadytoldyou,I’mreadytosettledownandyourservicescamehighlyrecommended.You’realittleodderthanIexpected.”He’sstaringatmelikeI’manotherspecies.
Distractedbyhowhisaurahasnowtakenovermylivingroom,Iask,“Youexpectedmetobeodd?”Ican’thelpbeingslightlyoffended.Thoughinreality,hehasn’tseenanythingyet.
Hetipshisheadbackandforth.“Maybenotoddsomuchasdifferent.Youhavetoadmit,youdon’tprovideanormalkindofservice.”
“I’llgiveyouthat.Butseriously,Jonathan,ifyoureallywanttodothis,youhavetokeepanopenmind.”
“Iwill.”He’sbacktosoundingcautious.
“I’mgoingtolevelwithyou,soifyouwanttowalkaway,youcan.It’snotlikeI’veputanyrealenergyintoyourcaseyet.”
“Levelwithmehow?”Hiseyesdarttothefrontdoor.
“Thingsarehappeningdifferentlywithyou.”Ihurrytoadd,“Thisprocessalwaysinvolvesmeseeingauras,firstaroundmyclientandthenaroundthehousetheyaremeanttobuy.Ialreadyseeyourauraandinexplicablyit’sblendingintotheauraofmyhouse.”Idropthebomb.“Ithinkyou’resupposedtolivehere.”
Jonathanreleasesagreat,big,boisterousguffawthathashimdoublingover.Whenhecatcheshisbreath,hesays,“You’refunny,youknowthat?”
“I’mnotjoking,”Itellhim.“Thisisahighlypeculiarsituation.”
“Uh,yeah.Listen,Emily,mycurrenthousehaseightbedroomsandtwelvebathrooms.Ihaveapool,amovietheaterthatseatstwenty,andtwotenniscourts.Youcan’treallyexpectmetomoveinhere?”Hecurlshisliplikehe’sjustsmelledbadcheese.
“Why,youarrogant…”aslewofunprofessionalwordspopsintomymind.Luckily,IstopbeforeIsayanyofthem.Instead,Igowith,“Ihaveaperfectlylovelyhome!”
“I’msureit’sfine,”hesaysdismissively.“ButIstayinsuitesbiggerthanthiswhenI’mtraveling.”
“LookJonathan,I’mjusttellingitlikeIseeit.Personally,Ican’tseeyouinthishouseeither,butmygiftwillputyouintherightneighborhoodtofindlove,andonceyoudo,Iwillbehappytoshowyouthebiggestfancy-pantshousesyourheartdesires.Believeme,thecommissionwillbealotbiggerthanitwouldbeformyplace.”
“You’retellingmeyouwouldsellmeyourtownhousejustlikethat?”
Ishrug.“IneverthoughtIwasmeanttolivehereforever,andwhileIdon’tparticularlyliketheideaofmovingrightnow,ifI’mtorespectmygift,thenIguessI’llhaveto.”Intruth,Ican’tbelieveI’mactuallyconsideringit.
Jonathanstartspacinginfrontofthefirelikeacagedjunglecat.Iactuallyseehimpinchhisarmlikehe’stryingtoascertaintherealityofthissituation.Oh,it’sreal,buddy.
“Ineedtogohomeandgetsomesleep,”hefinallysays.“I’llthinkaboutwhatyousaidandthenI’llgetbacktoyouinacoupleofdays.”
“Don’ttaketoolong.Ifyou’reonboard,thenIneedtostartlookingforaplace.”
Heshakeshishead,flingshishandsupinfrontofhimlikehe’sgoingtostartsinging,“StopintheNameofLove,”andsighs.Thenhewalkstowardmyfrontdoor.Geez,dramaticmuch?
Ifollowbehind,becausewell,it’smyhouseanditseemslikethepoliteandprofessionalthingtodo.EventhoughIwanttogivehimagoodkickonhiswayout.
Truthbetold,thisisthrowingmeasmuchasitishim.Yeah,helosestenortwentythousandsquarefeetforashorttime,butIhavetofindanewhouseentirely.You’dthinkhe’dbemoresympathetic.
Openingthedoor,Jonathanannounces,“Ishouldprobablysayitwasnicetomeetyou.”
“Areyousayingthat?”Thismanisarealpieceofwork.
“No.”Don’tletthedoorhityawherethegoodlordsplitya,buddy.Heseemstorethinkhisrudenessandhurriestoadd,“Imeanyes.Thankyouforyourtime.”
I’mnotfeelingthewarmfuzzies.It’snotlikeIwanthimtothrowhisarmsaroundmeingratitudeoranything,buthesoundsalittletooformalforapersonconsideringmovingintomyhouse.
AsIpushhimacrossthethreshold,aflashofsurpriseregistersonhisfeatures.Ishutthedoorinhisface.Ifhedoesbelievemeandbuysmytownhouse,goodlucktohimfindinglovewithanattitudelikethat.
BackinmylivingroomIpracticallyeatthewholecharcuterieplatterbymyself.Idrinktwoglassesofwinetowashitdown,thenlayinbedwideawakemostofthenightthinkingaboutwhereintheheckI’mgoingtomoveifJonathantakesmeuponmyoffer.
Afterwhatfeelslikehours,Ifinallygetdrowsy.MylastconsciousthoughtisthatmaybeIshouldtellhimtogetanewrealtor.Thatwaymylifedoesn’thavetobedisruptedatallandIcanjustmoveontothenextclientlikeIneverknewwhoJonathanSilverwas.
WhileIshouldfeelempoweredbythisthought,I’mnot.IknowsomewheredeepinmybonesthatifIdon’thonormygift,I’llloseit.ChapterSeven
“Oh,mygod,wereyouinacaraccidentorsomething?”LucysneeringlydemandsasIwalkintotheoffice.
Inoticeagiftbasketoffruitonsomeone’sdeskandbrieflywonderhowquicklyIcanripthecellophaneoffitandstarthurlingtangelosatherhead.Mypublicserviceforthedaycouldbeknockingoutsomeofhermeanness,orjustknockingherout.Eitherwouldwork.
Skyhurriesovertomydesk,whichisafeatinhercurrentdominatrixfootwear.“Howdidlastnightgo?”Herexpressionindicatesworry.I’mnotsureifit’sthedarkcirclesundermyeyesorthefactthatI’mwearingjeans,awhitet-shirt,andmyrattyoldConverse.Thisisanewlevelofofficecasualevenforme.
Idon’tbeataroundthebush.“Itwasbad.”Ihurrytoadd,“Let’sgonextdoorforalatteandI’lltellyouallaboutit.”
Asweheadoutthedoor,Fredericyellsafterus,“Ihopeyou’reonyourwayhometochangeclothes.Butontheoffchanceyou’regoingforcoffee,grabmeamochawithadoubleshot,twosteviapackets,andextrawhippedcream.”Themandrinkshiscoffeelikeathirteen-year-oldgirl.
OnceSkyandIaresituatedatasmalltablebythewindowatGrindMe,Itellhereverything.She’sstunnedintosilenceforseveralmomentsbeforesquealing,“OMG,maybeyou’reJonathan’smatch!”
“Yeah,no,”Itellherimmediately.“JonathanSilveriswaytoostuckupforme.I’mlookingforanicehighschoolbasketballcoachoranaccountant.Youknow,someonegroundedinrealitywithnovisibleHollywoodgene.”
“You’retheonewhoalwayssays,‘keepanopenmind.’”Shedoesthewholeairquotesthing.
“Yes,Ido,butI’malsofairlycertainthatmyclientsaren’tinitiallyrepelledbytheirtruelove’spersonality.”
“Howdoyouknow?You’renotaroundwhenthey’refallinginlove.Youjustputthemintherightneighborhood.”
“True…”Idragthewordastherealityofherstatementsinksin.“ButI’dknowiftheuniversewastryingtosetmeupwithJonathan.”
“How?”
“Ourauraswouldhaveblendedorsomething.Also,assoonashislaidclaimtomyplace,mysenseofownershipstartedtoslipaway.No,Sky,I’msupposedtomoveoutandlethimlivethere.”
Sheshrugs,unconvinced.“You’rethepsychic.Whereareyougoingtolive?”
“Ihavenoidea.IsupposeI’llhavetostartsearchingthemultiplelistingsformynewplace.”Thethoughtofmovingrightnowsortofoverwhelmsme.Inmypie-in-the-skyfantasyworld,IthoughtI’dstayputuntilIgotmarriedandmovedintomydreamhouse.
“DidyouhappentogetSteven’scard?”sheasks,changingthesubject.
“Crap,no,I’msorry,”Itellher.“Iwasabitdistractedlastnight.”
“Noworries.IjustthoughtI’dask.”
“IpromiseI’llgetit,Sky.EvenifIdon’tworkwithJonathan,I’llmakesuretogethisbrother’sdeetsforyou.”
Shewavesherhands.“Thatwouldbegreat,butifnot,don’tworryaboutit.Iprobablywouldn’tcallanyway.”Methinksshedothprotesttoomuch.ImakeamentalnotethatcomehellorhighwaterI’llgetherStevenSilver’sphonenumber.
Shiftinggearsbacktomylivingsituation,Iask,“WouldyouandSerenamindifIbunkedwithyouwhileIlookformynextplace?”
“That’sagreatidea!Oh,Em,thinkofthefunwe’llhave,it’llbelikeaslumberparty.”
Itwouldbefun.IloveSkylikeasisterandIreallylikeSerena,aswell.“I’llpayrent,soyoudon’thavetoworryabouthousingafreeloader.”
“Youwillnot,”shedeclaresadamantly.“You’llbeourguest.Wouldn’titbefunifyourdreamhouseturnsouttobeinPasadena,too?”
“Idon’tknow,Sky.”IgrewupinSierraMadre,whichisonlytenminutesnorthofPasadenainthefoothillsoftheSanGabrielMountains,yetIneverconsideredlivingthere.Idoloveitthough.“Maybe,”Ifinallydecide.
“ItalkedtoSerenaaboutourparty,andshesaysthattheycanfititinonValentine’sDay,aslongasweletherknowbeforeanotherjobcomesin.Thatonlygivesusfiveweekstoplanthisthing.”
“CanwegettheCastleGreenonValentine’sDay?”Iask.
“Ihaveacallout,butIhaven’theardback.Ifnot,maybewecangettheterraceattheLanghamHotel.”
“I’mnotsureifI’mgoingtobemuchhelpplanning,”ItellSky.“EspeciallyifIhavetomoveoutofmyplace.”
“I’lltakecareofeverything.TheonlythingImightaskyourhelpwithispickingthemenuandthesignaturecocktail,butonlyifyouhavetime.”
“Okay,let’sdoit,”Isay.“JusttellmewhatmypartofitisandI’llwriteyouacheck.”
SkyletsoutaninelegantwhoopofdelightjustasLucyandCrenshawwalkin.Theylookoveratuswithobviousdistastebeforegoingtostandinline.
“Ibettergobacktotheofficeandgettowork.”Afterall,Abrilisreadytogetmoving.
“YouwantmetogetFrederic’smocha?”myfriendasks.
“Thatwouldbegreat,thanks.”Westandupandhug.“Thanksforalwayshavingmyback,Sky.”
“Girl,we’reliketheWonderTwins,”shesaysexcitedly.“We’regoingtohavethebesttimetogether,Ijustknowit.”
“OnlyifJonathanbelievesmeandbuysmyplace,”Itellher.“Asofnineforty-twolastnight,hedidnotseemsoldontheidea.”
“Evenifhe’snot,Ithinkyoushouldmoveinwithme.Thenyoucansavemoremoneyforyourdreamhouse.”
“Ifhedoesn’tgoforit,I’mstayingput,”Itellher.“Idon’tneedtheupheavalofamoverightnow.There’salsothefactthatlivinginPasadenawouldaddanhourtomycommute,eachway.”
“It’sonlythirtyminutestotheofficeifyoutravelattherighttime.”
“Attwoforty-seveninthemorning?”Ijoke.
“Anytimebetweenmidnightandthreeisgood.”Idon’tthinkshe’skidding
Backattheoffice,IflipopenmylaptopandstartworkingonhomesforAbril.IfeellikeIcanseethehouseinmymind’seye.Ijustneedtofindoutwhereitisandhopeforamatch.Idecidetofocusmyenergyhelpingsomeonewho’swillingtodowhateverittakestofindloveandputJonathanSilveroutofmymind.ChapterEight
Ateightythirtythere’sasharpknockonmydoor.IdragmyselfoffthecouchwhileswearingdeathtoMr.Knucklesifhekeepsgettingoutandclimbingtrees.Grabbingmyloafersandahandfulofpromotionalpenswhicharesittinginaboxontheconsoleintheentryway—I’mgoingtothrowthoseinsteadofmyshoes—Iopenthedoor.“Mrs.Feldman,youhavegotto…”Idon’tcontinuemythoughtbecauseitisn’tmyneighbor.It’sJonathan.
“I’mnotsureIwanttolivehereiftheneighborsaresuchpests,”hedeclares.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Idon’tsoundtheleastbithospitable.
“I’mheretodiscussourlivingsituation.”
Puttingthepensdown,Ikickmyloafersoff,andwalkbackintothelivingroom.Jonathantrailsbehind.Helooksaroundcriticallybeforeannouncing,“Youshouldfireyourcleaninglady.”Correctlyreadingmybodylanguage,hetakesastepbackbeforeIlungeathim.
Insteadoffollowingmyinstincttotacklehimtotheground,Isomehowmanagetoask,“Mr.Silver,whatcanIdoforyou?”
“Mr.Silver,huh?AndhereitwasJonathanjustlastnight.”
“Answermyquestion,”Iorder.
Sittingdownonthechairnexttothecouch,hesays,“I’vebeenthinkingaboutyoursuggestionthatIlivehere.”
“It’snotmysuggestion,”Itellhim.“Personally,Idon’tcarewhereyoulive.It’swhoeverislookingoutforyouupthere,”Ipointtowardtheceiling,“whowantsyoutolivehere.”
“I’vedecidedtodoit,”hesays.
“What?”Ididnotseethiscoming.IthoughtJonathanwouldchalkmeuptobeingakookandrideoffintothesunset.“You’regoingtobuymyhouse?”
“No,”hesaysplainly.
“I’msorry,thenwhyareyouhere?”
“Ihaveapropositionforyou,”hesays.“IproposeweswitchhousesuntilIfindmysoulmate.”
“Switchhouses?”Ican’tseemtoabsorbwhathe’ssaying.“Youwantmetoliveinyourhouseandyou’llliveinmine?”
“Ithinkthat’sthedefinitionofswitchinghouses,”hesays.“ThatwayneitherofuswillhavetomoveandI’llstillgetwhatIcametoyoufor,mysoulmate.”
“Areyoustillplanningonbuyinganewhouseonceyoumeether?”
“Idon’tseewhyI’dhaveto.Ilovemyhouse.TheonlyreasonIwasgoingtoleaveitwastofindthewomanI’mgoingtospendtherestofmylifewith.”
“Nottosoundself-serving,butwhatdoIgetoutofthis?
“Yougettoliverent-freeinmyfabulousestate,”hesays,likeI’manidiotfornotworkingthatoutformyself.
Igrabmylaptopandask,“What’syouraddress?”
“FivehundredNorthRexford,”hetellsme.Ihurrytopunchitintomycomputer.
Holy.Hell.“Thisiswhereyoulive?Byyourself?”AccordingtoZillow,hishouseistwenty-fivethousandsquarefeetandit’sonthreeprimeacresofBeverlyHillsrealestate.It’salsoworthfortymilliondollars.
Henodshishead.“Yes.Well,actually,no.MybrotherStevenlivesintheguesthouse,buthewon’tbotheryou.”
“TheentireBarnumandBaileyCircuswouldn’tbothermeinahousethissize,”Ireply.“I’mnotsureI’dbecomfortablelivingtherealone.”HighclassversionsofeveryhorrormovieI’veeverseenstarttocollectivelyfloodmybrain.
“Youwouldn’tbealone,”hetellsme.
“Well,you’llbehere,sowhoelsewouldbethere?OtherthanSteventhatis.”
“Themaids,thecook,andmypersonalhelper,”heenumerates.
“Howmanypeopleotherthanyoulivethere?”
“Four.Theirquartersareseparatefromthemainlivingarea.They’llbetheretomakeyoufeelsecure,buttheywon’tgetinyourway.”Iamtemptedtoaskwhyhisshoeshiner,personalshopper,anddoorknobpolisherdon’tlivethereaswell,butIwiselykeepmylesspolitequeriestomyself.
“I’lllosethecommissiononwhateverhouseIwouldhavesoldyou.”Iquicklycalculatethatasbeingclosetoamilliondollarsifhehadbeenplanningtobuyacomparableproperty.That’smorethanIhaveevermadeonasingleproperty.Let’sfaceit,it’smorethanI’vemadeonfourpropertiescombined.
“IfIfindmyotherhalfwhilelivingatyourplace,I’llpayyouhalfofthatcommission.That’sfreemoneyfornoworkaswellasaluxuryvacationwhileyou’rewaiting.”
“Andifyoudon’tfindtheloveofyourlife?”Idemand.
“Then,obviously,youaren’tasgoodatyourjobasyouclaimtobe,”hesaysunkindly.
“Sofar,I’mbattingathousand.”IpointmyfingerathimlikeI’mcastingaspell.“Ifyoucan’tfindlovehereinmyplace,thentheproblemisyou,notme.”
“Howsooncanyoumoveout?”He’sinquitethehurry.
“Iguesstomorrow,aslongasIcancomebackhereandgetanythingIforgettotake.”ThegoodthingaboutnotbeingahighmaintenancewomanisthatIcanbereadytogoatamoment’snotice.
“Ofcourse.I’msureI’llhavetodothesame.”
Georgeslinksintothelivingroomandstretchesbeforejumpingontomylap.Shoot,I’dforgottenallabouthim.
“Youcan’ttakethattomyhouse,”JonathansayswhilepointingatGeorgelikehe’sarodent.
“I’mprettysureyourhousecanaccommodateonesmallcat.”
Heshakeshishead.“Whatifhebreakssomething?No.Nocat.”
“IfIdon’ttakeGeorge,”Itellhim,“thatmeansyouhavetotakecareofhim.”I’mpositivethatwillgethimtochangehismind.
“Icanputdownfoodforhimaslongasyourmaidtakescareofthelitter.”
That’sthesecondtimehe’sreferencedmycleaninghelp.“Jonathan,”IsoundlikeI’mtalkingtoasecondgrader.“Myhouseistwelvehundredsquarefeet.Idon’tneedamaidtomaintainthat.”
Herunshisforefingeracrossthecoffeetableleavingacleanpaththroughthedust.“Ibegtodiffer.”Hehurriestoadd,“Don’tworry,I’llhaveGretacomeoverandgivethisplaceathoroughcleaningacoupletimesaweek.”
“Howmessyareyou?”Iask.
“Notnearlyasmessyasyouare.Ilikeacleanenvironment,”heexplains.“EspeciallyasI’llpracticallybecampinghere.”
Foraseeminglysolidspecimenofmasculinity,JonathanSilversureisprissy
“Imighthaveafriendcomeandstaywithme,”Itellhim.
“Nostrangemeninmyhouse,”hesays,soundinglikeasternfather.
“Skylarisawoman,”Itellhim.“She’sarealtoratmyoffice,soyoucanrestassuredshewon’tstealyourartwork.”
“You’realesbian?”heasks.
“No.”That’swhenIputtwoandtwotogether.Jonathan’spersnicketyways,hisarrogantattitude…“Isthiswomanyou’rehopingtomeetreallyaman?”Iask.
“What?Whywouldyouaskthat?”
Ishrug.“You’vegotnojudgmentfromme,Jonathan,andIpromisenottotellasoul.”IholdupmyhandlikeI’mbeingsworninonawitnessstand.“Scoutshonor.”
“I’mstraight,”hetellsmeinnouncertainterms.“WhywouldyouthinkIwasgay?”
“Youseemalittleparticularaboutdust.”
“Ilikeacleanhouse,sueme!”Ohboy,he’smadnow.
“Ifyousayso.Whattimedoyouwantmeovertomorrow?”Iask.
“Iamared-bloodedheterosexualmale,”heanswers,ignoringmylastquestion.
“So,what,threeo’clock?Six?”
“Emily,I’mnotkidding.I’mstraight.”
“It’snotmybusiness,”Imaintain.“I’llbeoveratseveno’clock.Howdoesthatsound?”
Hisheadlookslikeit’sabouttoblowrightoffhisshoulders.“Gretawillbeheretocleanatteninthemorning.Pleasearrangetoletherin.”Heturnsandwalksoutmyfrontdoor.
Poorguy.Iknowsomecelebritiesareloathtocomeoutoftheclosetforfearofbeingtypecastandlosingoutonplumroles,butyou’dthinkastudioheadwouldbemoresecurethanthat.ChapterNine
Shoot,IforgottogetStevenSilver’snumberforSky,again.ButnowthatI’llbehisneighborIshouldbeabletoobtainitwithnoproblem.IcanusethatinformationtotalkSkyintostayingwithmeatJonathan’s.
IrescheduleanearlyappointmentsoIcanletJonathan’scleaningladyin.
“Greta?”IgreetassoonasIopenthedoor.
“Ja,”isallshesays.
GretaisagreatbighulkofaGermanwoman.AllsheneedsarehornsonherheadandshecouldplayBrünnhildeinaWagneropera.
“Comeonin”—Ipointtothedoorknob—“justlocktheknobbeforeyouleave.Oh,andIhaveacat,George.Pleasedon’tlethimoutside.”
“Katze,George.Ja.”Sheturnsaroundandstartscluckinghertongue.I’vebeendismissed.
I’mgoingtodrivebyfourhousesIthinkmightworkforAbriltoday.Iwon’tknowmoreuntilIseeifanyofthemgivemeaphysicalreaction.Clammyhands,dizziness,andmildnauseaareallgoodsigns.Eitherthatortheflu,butitwasonlythefluthatonetimeandIcanceledmyclient’sofferbeforeitwasaccepted.Catastrophewasaverted.
ThefirsthouseisonLaurelCanyon,thesecondStudioCity,thenontoGlendale,andfinallyEchoPark.They’reaweirdassortmentofarchitectureandnoneofthemmakemefeelwonky.Darnit.WhereintheworldisAbrilsupposedtolive?
Idon’tgetbacktotheofficeuntilalmostfiveo’clockwhichleavesmeverylittletimetogohome,eat,andloveonGeorgebeforeIhavetogotoJonathan’s.SkylariswalkingintotheofficeatthesametimeIam.“Canyouspendthenightwithmetonight?”Iask.
“Why?”shewantstoknow.
“Ihaveasurpriseforyou.Ipromiseit’llbefun.”
“Iguess.”
AssoonaswewalkthroughtheimposingglassdoorsofPemberley,Fredericcallsout,“Emily.Here.Now.”
Iveeroffinhisdirection.“What’sup,Fred?”
Heconvulsesinafullbodytremor.“It’sFredericandyouknowit.Iwanttoknowhowit’sgoingwithJonathanSilver.Haveyoulinedupanyappointmentsyet?”
Ihaven’tbeenlookingforwardtothisconversationandwashopingtoputitoffforabitlonger,butapparentlythat’snotmeanttobe.“Jonathanhasdecidednottobuyatthistime.”
“What?Why?”hedemands.
“Hejustwantedtomeetwithmetostartadialogueaboutpossiblybuyingsomethingnewatsometimeinthefuture.”
“That’snotgoingtoworkforme,”Fredericsaysdramatically.
“Idon’tthinkit’suptoyou.”I’mnotbeingrude,justrealistic.Fredericcan’tmakesomeonemoveiftheydon’twanttomove.
“Iwantyoutoshowhimmyfourpropertiesanyway,”hedecides.
“Icanoffertoshowhim,butJonathanisaverybusyman,andhemightthinkthatlookingathousesheisn’tgoingtobuyisawasteofhistime.”
“IalreadytoldallfourofmylistingsthatJonathanSilverwasinterestedintheirproperties,”heconfesses.
“Buthe’snot.”
“Emily,justgethimtoseethosehouses.I’mabouttolosetwoofthoselistingsandIneedtoshowactivity.Itdoesn’tneedtoresultinasale,althoughobviously,Ihopeitdoes.”
“Oh,whatatangledwebweweave,whenfirstwepracticetodeceive,”Ichastise.
“Whosaidthat,Sting?”
“SirWalterScott.”
“Ishelookingforahouse?”Fredericasksnon-ironically.
“Probablynot,”Itellhim.“Hediedalmosttwohundredyearsago.”
“Thenwhyareyouwastingmytimewithhim?GetmeJonathanSilver!Makeithappen!”
Oh.My.God.Iworkforamoron.Ihatethispartofrealestate,theshowofitall.Isupposeit’sinevitableconsideringweliveinthepretensioncapitaloftheworld,butstill,itmakesmesick.
Atfiveo’clock,IwaveatSkylarandask,“Doyouwanttocarpool?Icandropyouattheofficeinthemorning.”
“Sure,justletmegetmyovernightbagoutofmycar.”
“Meetmeoutback,”Itellher.Lucyblocksmyexittoannounce,“Soyou’renotsellingJonathanSilverahouseafterall,huh?”Shesoundspositivelyjoyful.
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“IoverheardyouandFrederic.”Shelookssmuggerthannormalwhenshedecides,“Iguessthatmakeshimfreegame.”
“Lucy,ifJonathanwouldratherworkwithyouthanme,goforit.”Idon’thavethefortitudetoarguenonsensewithher.
“Youknow,ifyoujustbleachedyourhair,anddressedbetter,you’dalmostfitinhere.”Shelooksmeupanddownlikeshe’sinspectingmoldingbread.
“Thanksforyourconcern,butIconsideritawinthatIdon’tfitin,”Itellher.“Nowmove,you’reblockingmywayandIhaveplacestobe.”
“Justconsideryourselfwarned.JonathanSilverisgoingtobemine.”
“Goodluck,”Ireply.
Istarttothinkaboutmyneighbor,Stan,wholivesontheothersideofMrs.Feldman.IwonderifmaybeheandJonathanwillbecomeathing.Evenifhewerestraight,IknowJonathanandIwouldhavenevermadeagoodcouple,butIstillfeelapangtolosesuchahunkyprospecttotheotherteam.WomentheworldoverwillfeelanothereggdiewhenJonathanandStansaytheirvowsatatastefullychic,yetoverpriced,hotelballroomsomewhereontheWestSide.
SkyisalreadywaitingbesidemycarwhenIgetoutside.“Whatkeptyou?”
“Thedevil’smistress.LucystoppedmetoannounceshewasgoingtostealJonathanSilver’sbusinessawayfromme.”
“Asif.Thatgirlneedsaseriouspersonalitytransplant.You’dthinkherclientswouldn’tbeabletostandworkingwithsuchashrew.”
“Herclientsaremostlymenandtheysufferfromboobblindness,”Itellher.
Wechataboutourupcomingpartyonthewaytomyhouse,butIrefusetotellSkywhatthesurpriseis.Whichischallengingbecauseshe’sgotthatannoyingbeggingthingdown.
GeorgedivebombsmeassoonasIwalkthroughthefrontdoor.I’dbettertrimhisnailsbeforeIgo,orJonathanwillbeinforarealshock.Skywalksinbehindmeandexclaims,“Thisisagreatsurprise!”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Youcleaned!Arethosefreshflowers?”Ilookaround.She’sright,myplacelooksspectacular.Nodust,nopetfuronthecarpet,nothrowblanketstossedwilly-nilly,andtherearethreefloralarrangementsthatIseefromtheentrywayalone.Wow,indeed.
“Thisisn’tthesurprise,”Itellher.
“IsPrinceHarryintheclosetorsomething?IheardhelivesinBeverlyHillsnow.”Skystraightensherskirtandrunsherfingersoverheralreadysleekponytailinpreparationofmeetingherchildhoodcrush.
“Iamnothidingroyaltyinthecloset,”Itellher.Idon’tmentionthatIwillsoonbehidingclosetedHollywoodroyaltytherethough.NotthatJonathanhastostayinmycloset.
“Idon’tbelieveyou.”Shescurriespastmeandplayfullyopensthecoatcloset.WhilePrinceHarryisnowheretobeseen,atleastsevenofJonathan’sjacketsare.
“Issomeonevisiting?”Skydemands.
“Yesandno,butI’mnotgoingtotellyou.Justletmegogetmysuitcases.”
“Suitcases?Aren’twestayinghere?”
“Wearen’t,andthat’sallI’mgoingtosayuntilwegettoourdestination.”
Skyrubsherhandstogetherexcitedly.“Ilovesurprises!Tellmemore…”
AsIhurrytogetmybags,Irealizethatwecan’thavedinnerhere.I’mafraidtodirtyanythinglestmypickynewtenantcomplain.Ifigurewe’lljustheadovertoJonathan’sandgetsituated.Iknowhe’snotexpectingusuntilsevenbutI’msurehe’salreadyalertedthestaffofmyimpendingarrival.I’msurethey’llletusinacouplehoursearly.ChapterTen
IpulloutontoBurtonWaybeforeturningrightontoRexfordDrive.WhileJonathan’shouseisonlyacoupleofmilesfrommine,eachblockaddsanothermilliontothepricetag.Skywantstoknow,“ArewegoingtotheBeverlyHillsHotel?Iloveitthere!WecouldeatatthePoloLounge.”
WhenIpasstheturnoffthatwouldhavemadetheiconicpinkhotelourdestination,Itellher,“TheBeverlyHillsHotelispeanutscomparedtowherewe’regoing.”
“Emily,tellmealready!”
Momentslater,IpullovertotheshockinglylargegatesinfrontofJonathan’sdriveway.Ipickupthephoneandsay,“Hi,thisisEmilyHargrove.I’mhere.”
“Whereishere?”Skyispracticallypeeingherpants.
“JonathanSilver’shouse.”
“Whyarewehere?Andmoreimportantly,whyarewespendingthenight?”
Afterbeatingoutamakeshiftdrumrollonthesteeringwheel,Iannounce,“JonathanandIhaveswitchedhouses.WhilehewaitsforlovetofindhimonBurtonWay,Iwillbecallingthisgloriouspileofbricksmyhome.”
“You’rejoking!”
“And…”Ipausetoletthetensionbuild.“Iwasthinkingyoumightwanttostayherewithme.”
Thegatesstarttoopen.AsIpullthroughthem,Skyyells,“Yes,yes,yes,yes,yes!!!Iwouldlovetostayherewithyou!”
“That’snotthebestpart,”Isay,pointingattheminiversionofWindsorCastlethatgreetsus.
“You’rekidding.What’sthebestpart?”
“StevenSilverlivesintheguesthouse.”
Skystartswigglingaroundlikefireantsarebitingherbum.“Really?”She’sgoingforawholechillvibe,butIcantellshewantstoreleaseavictorycry.IknewshewasmoreinterestedinJonathan’sbrotherthanshewaslettingon.
Whenwepullupthevastcirculardrive,we’regreetedbyagray-hairedmaninadarksuit.He’sveryproperlooking,andIwouldplacehimataboutsixtyorsixty-five.Iwonderifhe’sJonathan’sdad,althoughtheydon’treallylookalike.
Ipullupnexttohimandturnofftheignitionwhilehehurriestoopenthedriver’ssidedoortoletmeout.“Madam,”isallhesays.
“Hey,”Ireply,unsurewhat’sexpectedofme—abow,acurtsy,aring-kissing…“IsJonathanhere?”
“No,ma’am.He’sattheofficebutheshouldbehomeshortly.He’sinstructedmetogetyousettledandthenstartdrinkserviceontheterrace.”
Skyletsherselfoutofthecarintimetohearthisanduncharacteristicallycurses,“Holyshit.”
“Whoareyou?”Iaskthemanwho’snowwrestlingmyluggageoutofthetrunk.
“MynameisMartin,madam.”
“I’mEmily,”ItellhimbeforemotioningtoSky,“andthisismyfriendSkylar.”
Hedoesthislittleheelclickthingbeforebendingatthewaist.
“Whatdoyoudohere,Martin?”I’mreallyhopingheisn’tJonathan’sdad,orImighthavejustinsultedhim.”
“I’mMr.Silver’sman,”hereplies.
Iwonderifthat’sagaything.ButsurelyMartinisn’tJonathan’stype.Hemustbeatleasttwentyyearsolderthanthemoviemogul.There’salsothefactthatJonathanisgoingtobestayingatmyplacelookingforlove,soI’mguessinghe’snotcurrentlyinvolvedwithanyone.AlthoughthisisLaLaLand,anythinggoes.Inmybusiness,it’simportanttohaveaprosaictakeonrelationships.
ThestupidlookonmyfacemustalertMartinthatIstilldon’tknowwhathedoesbecausehesays,“I’mMr.Silver’sbutlerandvalet.”
“Holyshit,”Skyrepeats.Iimagineshe’llbesayingthisalotwhilewe’rehere.
Martinleadsthewayupthestonestairsintothehouse.ImighthavetostartadaptingSky’snewcatchphraseformyself.Thisplaceisunbelievable.Thevaultedentryrobsmeofair,whichtakessomedoing.I’marealtorinoneofthefanciestzipcodesintheworldforheaven’ssake.
Iestimatethechandelieraloneissixfeetacrossandprobablyjustastall.Ifeelsorryforwhoeverhastocleanthatthing,andyouknowit’sgettingcleanedwithJonathanatthehelm.There’senoughmarbleinheretofillasaltmine.Ihavenoideawhatthatmeans,butitfeelslikeitmightberight.There’salotofmarbleinhere.
Insteadoftakingthegrandstaircase,whichisthesingularmostspectacularstaircaseIhaveeverseen,Martinpressesthebuttonfortheelevator.“Youwillbestayingonthethirdfloor.Ihopethatsuitsyou.”
“Icouldsleeponablowupmattressintheentryway,”Skywhispersaswestarttoascendtotheheavens.
Whenthedoorsopen,Martinpullsthesuitcasesoutandannounces,“I’llhaveHelgaunpackyou.”
“IthoughtthemaidwasnamedGreta,”Isay.
“Gretaistechnicallythehousekeeper.It’sherjobtomakesureeverythingisrunningasitshould.”
“Oh,she’stheonewhocametomyplacetoday.”
“She’llalsomakesureyourhouseiswellrunwhileMr.Silveristhere.”
IfeelacrazyburstofhilaritybubbleupinsidemeasIenvisionwritingthisinmyyearlyChristmasletter:
DearFriendsandFamily,
Whatayearit’sbeen!Duetomybusyschedule,I’vehadtoengageafullhouseholdstafftocareformyneeds.There’sMartin,mybutler;Greta,myhousekeeper;andHelga,theupstairsmaid.CookiskeptbusycarefullyremovingthemembranefrommydailybowloffreshgrapefruitandFitszsimmons—I’mjustguessingthere’sagroundskeeperaround—maintainsthepropertybeautifully.Iwishyouallablessedandjoyfulseason!
TaTa!
Emily
I’mnotsureifTaTa!isthewaytosignofforonesimpleTa!Thankfully,IhaveanothertenmonthsbeforeChristmascardsgooutagain,soIcanfinetunethedetailslater.
Martinopensasetofdoubledoorsattheendofthehallwayandannounces,“ThisistheGardenSuitewhereMr.SilverhasrequestedIputyou.Ihopeitmeetswithyourapproval.”
“Thankyou,Martin,”IsaywhileSkyletsloosewithherfavoritevulgarity.“We’llfreshenupabitandthenwe’llbedownfordrinks.”
“Wonderful,madam.We’llseeyousoon.”
Beforehe’sfullyoutthedoor,Skystartstomimicmelikeshe’sthequeenofEngland.Shesticksherchinupintotheairandliftsherhandgracefullytotheceiling,“Thankyou,Martin.We’llbedownafterwefreshenup.”
Webothburstintopealsoflaughteratherimpression.“Ididn’tsoundlikethat,”Igaspbetweengiggles.AfterIsettledown,Igetmyfirstreallookattheroom.It’senormous.Thecarpetingissuchathickandplushwhitewool,I’mnotsurehowitgetsvacuumed.Ihaveanimageofahundredschoolchildrencrawlingaroundit,handpickingthelintoff.Thewallsareupholsteredinalightblueandgraytoile.Thebedisnostandardkingsize,itlookslikeakingandqueencombined.It’shuge!“Ithinkwe’resharingabedifthat’sokay,”ItellSky.
Whenshedoesn’tanswer,Iturnaroundanddiscovershe’snolongerthere.ShecallsfromwhatI’massumingisthebathroom,“I’llsleepinhere!”Butit’snotthebathroom.She’sinanotherbedroom,rightoffmine.It’sjustaselegant,albeitabitsmaller,asthemainonealsohasalargeseatingareaattached.Sky’sroomispink,andit’sperfectforher.
Myfriendlooksoutthewindowandannounces,“Ijustdiscoveredwhyit’scalledtheGardenSuite.”
Iscootovernexttoherandgazeoutontothemostextraordinaryrosegarden.Therearestatuesofcherubsandassortednakedpeople,alongwithagorgeouscircularwaterfountaininthecenterofboxwoodhedges.Finally,therearetheroses.Somanyroses.ThegardensatDowntonAbbeyhadnothingonthis.
Thebathroomisthesizeofmylivingroom.Themarblethemefromthefoyerplaysoutinhere,fullonwithachandelier.Therearesconcesonthewalls,aswellasBroadwaylightingoverthetwofullvanities.Thebathtubcouldfitsixandtheshowerhaseight(!)showerheadsstrategicallyplacedontheceilingandwalls.
“Holy…”Skystartstosay.
“Sky,”Icutheroff.“You’vesaidshitthreetimesinthelasttenminutes.Idon’tthinkyou’vesaiditthreetimessinceI’veknownyou.”
“Thisplaceisjustso…so…mind-blowinglygorgeous.Ican’tbelievewegettostayhere.Let’sgodownstairsandgetadrink.”
Igrabherhandandpullhertowardthehallway.“Wearegoingtohavethebesttime;Ijustknowit.”ChapterEleven
“Maybeweshouldhavetakentheelevator,”Skysaysaswemeanderdownthesecond-floorhallway.Wehadthoughttogetoffandsnoopalittle,butnowwe’retotallylost.
Attheendofthecorridor,wecomeuponahalf-sizeddoor—likeseriously,it’sonlyashighasmybellybutton.ThesignhangingonthewalloutsidesaysDepot.“Whatdoyousupposeisinthere?”Iask.
“Ihavenoidea,butIdon’tthinkweshouldgoin.”
“Whynot?”IdroptomykneesandopenthedoorwithoutwaitingforSky’sanswer.
AsI’mcrawlingthrough,shesays,“Becauseit’strespassing!”
AssoonasIstandup,thelightmiraculouslyturnson.I’mtotallystunnedbywhatIsee.“Getinhere,Sky.”
“No,”comeshermutedreply.“Idon’twanttogetkickedoutbeforewe’veofficiallymovedin.”
Whatever.Myclothesareinthecloset,Iliveherenow.“Yourloss,”Itellher.
InthecenteroftheroomisagianttablehostingthemostintricateelectrictrainsetupI’veeverseen.Jonathanhasawholetownhappeninghere.Stores,houses—neighborhoodsreally,andparkswithpavilionsandice-skatingrinks.Theterrainvariesfromflat,tohilly,tomountainous.Bridgescrossfakeriversthathaveboatsonthem.Asthoughapowerfulmagnetispullingmyhandtowardit;Iflipaswitchnexttothecontrolpanel.Thewholeshebanglightsupandit’smesmerizing.
Skycallsout,“Emily?What’sinthere?”
“Youhavetocomeinandseeforyourself,”Itellherbeforeturningadialthatcausesthehornonatraintosound.Asixteen-cartrainstartstochugaroundthetrackslowlybeforepickingupspeedasIcrankthedial.Ineverplayedwithtrainsasalittlegirl,butI’mimmediatelyhooked.
Ialmostignoremyphonewhenitstartstoring,butthegoodlittlerealtorinmeistoowelltrained.Istopthetrainsoitdoesn’tmakeanynoiseandanswer,“ThisisEmily.”
“Whereareyou?”Jonathandemandsgrumpily.
Isuddenlyfeeltheneedtolie.“Inmyroomatyourhouse.”
“No,you’renot.I’minyourroomandyou’renothere.”
“SkyandIwerejusttherebutwe’reonourwaytotheterraceforthedrinksMartinpromisedus.”Isoundlikealittlegirllookingforcandy.
“ThenIrepeat”—hesoundsmad—“whereareyou?”
“Thesecondfloor?Weclimbeddownsomanystairswethoughtwewereonthefirstfloor,butIdon’tthinkwewentdownfarenough.”Isoundlikeanidiot
“Idon’twantyouonthesecondfloor.That’smyfloor.”
“Okaaaaaay,butyouaren’tgoingtobelivinghere.”
“It’smyfloor,”hemaintainslikeaspoiledchildgettingreadytothrowatantrum.“I’llmeetyouthere.Don’tmove.”
Yikes!Idomorethanmove,Ihaulbutt.Iturnthedialsoffonthetrainandrushtothedoortoletmyselfout.ThenanosecondIcloseitandstandup,IseeJonathanturnthecornerashestridespurposefullydownthehalltowardus.
Idotheonlylogicalthingthatcomestomind.Ipracticallyshout,“Whatdoyouthinkisinthisroom,Sky?”
ShelookstotallyconfusedasIjustcameoutofthatroomandknowfullwellwhat’sinthere.Beforeshecanblowmycover,Jonathanyells,“Stayoutofthatroom!”
Becauseherbackhadbeenfacinghisdirection,Skydidn’tseeJonathancoming,andshepracticallyjumpsoutofherskin.Ihurrytoassurehim,“Ofcourse,we’regoingtostayoutofthatroom.WhatdoyouthinkIam,asnoop?”Beforehehasachancetoanswer,Iadd,“Jonathan,thisismyfriend,Sky.”
Hebarelyglancesather,whichinmybookproveshisgayness.Straightmen,includinghappilymarriedones,can’thelpbutdoatripletakewhentheygetaclose-upganderatmyfriend.SkyisnoMonetlikealotofgalsinBeverlyHills—youknow,betterlookingthefartherawayyouget.Upclosetheylooklikewaxfigures,sculptedintoashinysemblanceofperfectionwithoutquitehittingthemark.
Skyhasneverhadplasticsurgeryonherface.Shehasn’tevenhadBotox.Upclose,shelookslikethebeautifulgirlnextdoorwho’splayingdressupinhersexyoldersister’sclothes.
Totallyunaffected,Jonathannodshisheadafractionofaninchandsays,“I’mJonathan.”
“Youhaveabeautifulhouse,Jonathan,”Skysaysaftergettingoverherowninitialshockofourhost’smoviestarlooks.
“Yes,Ido,”hetellsher.
“Ithinkthestandardreplyis,thankyou,”Ichastisehim.
HerollshiseyesatmebeforetellingSky,“Thankyou.”Heruinsthemomentofmoderatepolitenessbyadding,“Idon’twantyouandEmilyonthesecondfloor.”HeturnstoSkyandadds,“LikeItoldher,it’smyfloor.”
Aslightpinkishtingewashesovermyfriend’sface,makingitclearshe’sembarrassed.
IsmackJonathan’sarmandsay,“Don’tbesuchababy.Ipromisewewon’tspendanytimeonyourprecioussecondfloor.Now,showushowtogettotheterracefordrinks.”
Helookssomewhatsurprisedatbeingspokentowithoutreverence,butImaintainthateventhoughIgettostayinhisparadiseofahome,I’mtheonedoinghimthefavor.There’snowayhe’dmeetmyhunkyneighborwithoutme.
JonathanlooksbetweenmeandSkybeforesaying,“Ifyou’llfollowme.”Heleadsusdownanotherhallthateventuallydeadendsintoabackstaircase.Playingtourguide,hedeclares,“Whenthehousewasbuiltinnineteentwenty,theseweretheservants’stairs.”
“I’mguessingtheystillare,”Imumble.
“Idon’thaveservants,”heanswershaughtily.“Ihavestaff.Thereisadifference.”
“What’sthedifference?”
“Servantimpliesalessersocialstanding.Thisisn’tthenineteenthcentury.Anyoneinmyemploycanalwaysleavetodoandbecomeanythingtheydesire.”Inresponsetomyeyeroll,headds,“Ipaythemexceedinglywell.”
“Whateveryouneedtotellyourself,”Isay.“Ican’timaginebeingasinglepersonandneedingastaffoffour.That’sjustludicrous.”
“Don’tscoldme,Emily.I’maself-mademanwhodidn’tcomefrommuch.Idon’tappreciateyourtreatingmelikeapamperednobleman.”
Ithinkabouthistrainroomandrealizehe’sprobablytellingthetruth.Thatroomreeksofayoungboywhogrewupdoingwithoutanddecidedtomakeupforitwhenhisshipcamein.InresponsetothesmileIcan’tseemtosuppress,hedemands,“Howisthatfunny?”
Ignoringhisquestion,Isay,“Igrewupinamiddle-classhouseholdmyself.Iunderstandbeingproudofyouraccomplishments.”Whenhearcheshiseyebrow,Iadd,“Andwhilemytownhouseisapittancecomparedtowhatyouhave,IboughtitallbymyselfandI’mproudofthat.”
Atthebottomofthestairs,JonathanleadsthewayintoakitchenthelikesofwhichI’veneverseen.AndasI’vepreviouslystated,I’marealtor,I’veseenextravagantthings.Themarble-toppedislandwiththewaterfallsidesissobigyoucouldputtwoking-sizedbedsonitside-by-sideandstillhaveroomtospare.NotthatJonathandoesn’thaveenoughbedroomstohouseasmallarmy,butincasetheapocalypserequireshalfofBeverlyHillstotakeshelterhere,hecouldsleepatleasteightpeopleonthatisland.Therearethreehugependantlightshangingoverit,givingtheroomthatmuchmoreofanover-the-topfeel
Therefrigeratorishiddenbehindthewhitecabinetrysomewhere,makingitclearthatitcostasmuchasmycar.IcountthreesinksandtwoWolfranges,eachwithsixburnersandagriddle.“Howmanydishwashers?”
“Four,Ithink,”hereplies.
“Youthink?Youdon’tknow?”
“Idon’tspendtimeinhere.”Hecallsout,“Gerard,areyouaround?”
Atinylittlemaninchef’swhiteswalksoutofthepantry.He’sprobablyaroundfiftyandI’mprettysureIoutweighhimbyatleastfortypounds.“Righthere,sir,”hesays.
“Gerard,thisisEmilyandSkylar.They’llbemyguestsfortheforeseeablefuture.”
Gerardoffersacurtnodofhishead.“I’llmakesuretheyhaveeverythingtheyneed.”
“Oh,youdon’thavetocookforus,”Skysays.
“Speakforyourself,”ItellherbeforeaddressingGerard,“I’dbedelightedifyoucookedforme.”
“Itwillbemypleasure.”Aslightsmilecrosseshisface.Andwhilehislipsonlymoderatelyturnup,hiseyestwinklemerrily,leadingmetobelievethatI’mgoingtolikethismanalot.
“We’llbeoutontheveranda,Gerard.Pleasebringouttheappetizerswhenthey’reready.”
“Yes,sir.Ishouldbeservingthemintwentyminutes.Wouldyoulikesupperattheusualtime?”
“Please.We’lleatoutsideaswell,aslongastheheatlampsareon.”Withthatfinalproclamation,Jonathanleadsthewaytothemuch-ballyhooedverandaChapterTwelve
“ThislooksliketheterraceattheHuntingtonGardens,”Skyannouncesexcitedlyafterwalkingthroughanenormouspairoffrenchdoors.
“Myhousewasdesignedbythesamearchitect,sothatwouldmakesense,”Jonathantellsher.
Abigsmilecomesovermyfriend’sface.“I’velovedspendingtimeattheHuntingtonGardensandLibraryeversinceIwasalittlegirl.”
Martinisstandingnexttoadrinkscart.HepoursanambershotintoashortcrystalglassbeforecomingoverandofferingittoJonathanviaasilvertray.“Ladies,”headdressesmeandSky.“WhatcanIgetforyou?”
“I’llhaveadirtymartiniwithtwoolives,please,”Skyanswers.
IhavethecraziesturgetoaskforsomethingoutrageouslikeablendedmangodaiquirimadewithfreshmangosorafrozenBlueHawaiian,justtoseeifIgetit.Jonathanmustbereadingmymind,becausehesays,“Anythingyouwant.”
“HowaboutaBlueGhost?”Ichallenge.
“Withorwithouttheflames,madam?”Martinasks.
“HowaboutaJuicyLucy?”
“Ihavefreshorangejuiceinthekitchen,”thebutlerannounces.
“HowaboutanAcidDrop?”
“Quitgivingthemanahardtime,”Jonathanadmonishes,“andordersomething.”
“I’llhaveamartini,too,”Idecide,vowingthattomorrownightI’mgoingtoaskforanextraspicyBloodyMarywithshrimp,bacon,andwafflefriesartfullyskeweredandlaidovertherimoftheglass.
Jonathanmotionsforustositdowninaseatingareaadornedwithoverstuffedfurnitureandthrowrugs.IhaveavisionofpoorMartinhavingtocovereverythingwhenitrains.Notthatthathappensoften,butstill.
Jonathantakesonesipofhisdrinkbeforeannouncing,“Therearehouserules.”
“Letmeguess,”Ilowermyvoicesomyimpressionofhimismoreaccurate.“Noboys,noparties,nodrunkenorgies,andnodrugs.”
“Don’tlockdoorsormesswiththealarmsystem,”hesays.“Ifthealarmgoesoff,halfoftheBeverlyHillspolicedepartmentshowsupandit’sarealpain.”
“Youwantustoleavethedoorsunlocked?”Iask.
“Martinwilltakecareoflockingthemafteryouleave,”hesays.
“Howwillwegetbackin?”
“Someonewillunlockthemforyouwhenyoucalltogainentranceatthegate.”
“You’renotgivingusthegatecode?”Iask.
“No.”
“Whynot?”
“BecauseIdon’twantyoutohaveit,”hestatesplainly.
Sky’sheadisturningbetweenuslikeshe’swatchingachampionshippingpongmatch.Thwack.Thwack.Thwack.Thwack.
“Whynot?”Irepeatmymostrecentquestion.
“Becausenobodyhasthatcodeexceptforme,mybrotherSteven,andthestaffwhohavebeencarefullyvettedbytheagencyfromwhereIhiredthem.”
“Fine,”Ifinallyconcede,“butI’mgoingtorunwithscissorsandjugglethecrystalifIfeellikeit.”
“Don’tbechildish,”Jonathanscoldsme.“Doyouhaveanyhouserulesyou’dlikemetoabidebywhileI’mstayingatyourplace?”
Itakeafortifyingsipofmymartiniandanswer,“Nobuildingfiresanywherebutthefireplace,andnoeatingcilantro.”
“Whycan’tIeatcilantro?”
“BecauseIsaidso.Oh,andnoclosingthebedroomdooratnight.Georgesleepsonthepillownexttomine.”
“I’mnotlettingyourcatsleepwithme.”Hesoundsappalled.
“ThenI’mnotlettingyoustayatmyhouse.”
“Seriously?”Heattemptstocallmybluff.
“No.”There’snowayI’mleavinghishouseforatleastamonth.“ButIwillcallthetabloidsandtellthemthatyouabuseanimalsinyourfreetimeifyoudon’tletGeorgecomeandgoashepleases.”
“Howwillyouknow?”
“Oh,I’llknow.”I’mgoingtogohomeeverydayorsoandvisitwithGeorge.Idon’ttellJonathanthoughbecauseIdon’twanthimcomplainingthatI’minvadinghisspace.I’lljustgowhenhe’satwork,sohedoesn’tknowI’vebeenthere.
Insteadofcontinuingourverbalassaultononeanother,ourhostwaveshishandhighoverhisheadandcallsout,“Steven,overhere!”
Ooooh,StevenSilver,thenotoriousbusinesscardthrower.IpeekoveratSkyintimetoseeherchokeonhermartini,straightenherposture,andrunahandoverhersleekponytail.
StevenandJonathanmustbeverycloseinagebecausetheycouldpassfortwins.ThemaindifferencebetweenthemisthatStevenwearsglassesandhedoesn’tlookquiteasshinyashisbrother.That’sshinyinaperfectlygroomedwithnaryahairoutofplacesortofway,notlikehe’slackingagoodastringentinhisface-washingroutine.
Jonathan’sbrotheriswearingjeans,at-shirt,andanavyblazer.Hechangeshistrajectoryfromwhereverhewaswalkingtowherewe’resittingontheveranda.IsaythisinmyheadlikeRicardoMontalbánsaying,“Corrrrrrrrinthianleather”inthosefunnyoldtvcommercials.Verrrrrrrrrrranda!
“Goodevening,”StevenaddressesmeandSkyassoonashearrives.Skylookslikeshe’sreadytojumpintohisarmsanddeclareherundyinglove.
“Steven,thesearemyhouseguests,EmilyandSkylar.”
Hebendsslightlyatthewaist.“It’sverynicetomeetyou.Welcome.”
“IthinkyoualreadyknowSky,”Ican’thelpbutsay.
“Really?”Helookssurprised.
Skygivesmeanone-too-subtlekickintheanklecausingmetoyelpinpainasItellhim,“YoutossedyourbusinesscardintohercaronSunsetBoulevardlastweek.”
Hesmilesbrilliantly.Seriouslythoseteeth…“IthoughtIthrewJonathan’sbusinesscard.”
“Whymycard?”Jonathanwantstoknow.
“You’vebeencomplainingsomuchlatelyabouthowreadyyouaretosettledown,IthoughtSkylarmightbeyourperfectwoman.”
“Youthoughtatotalstrangermightbethewomanofmydreams?”Jonathanmustbeclosetedeventohisfamily.Poorguy.
Iwanttoyell,“Comeoutofthecloset,Jonathan.Behere,bequeer,andfullofcheer!”Ofcourse,Idon’tsaythat.Butwhat’shisdeal?ThisisLA,andthemovieindustry.Beinggayisnobigthang.
“IthoughtshewasbeautifulandrefreshingandIthoughtitwasworthashot,”Stevensays.
Skylookspleasedanddeflatedallatonce.PleasedbecauseSteventhinksshe’sprettyanddeflatedbecausehewastryingtosetherupwithhisbrother.Icometoherrescuebysuggesting,“MaybeSkyismoreyourtype.”
Steven’seyesbugoutbehindhisglassesandhestutterslikehe’sjustbeengiventheword“hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia”tospellinthenationalspellingbee.Whenhe’sfinallyabletoformacoherentsentence,hereplies,“Ahwell,Ithinkperhapsshe’sisabitoutofmyleague.”
“Nonsense,”Itellhim.“You’rebothgorgeous!”
“Sitdownandjoinusforadrink,”Jonathantellshisbrother.
“Ireallyshouldn’t…”hestartstosayashetakesaseatnexttohisbrother.“Ihaveatonofworktodotonight.”
“BeingthatI’myourboss,”Jonathansays,“I’mtellingyoutotakeabreakandjoinus.”IgetthefeelingthatJonathanwantsabufferandhe’schosenStevenforthejob.ChapterThirteen
Supperisanextravagantaffairofsoft-shellcrab,stuffedartichokes,andpopoversfreshoutoftheoven.ItellJonathan,“Youdidn’tneedtorollouttheredcarpetforus.Wewouldhavebeenhappywithmeatloaforburgersorsomething.”
“Ididn’trequestanythingspecialonyouraccount,”hesays.“IaskedforwhatIwanted.”
“Thisisanordinarymealforyou?”Skyasks,slack-jawed.
“Idon’tdoordinary.”Hesoundslikearealjackass.Iwanttocallhimoutonit,butIdon’tknowhimwellenoughtodothat.Itdoesn’tstopmefrommimickinghiminmyheadthough.
Stevenannounces,“Imakeameanmeatloaf.I’llhaveyoutwooverforsuppersomenightwhileyou’rehere.”
“Thatwouldbewonderful,”Skycroons,makingitcleartoevenablindmanthatsheismoreinterestedinSteventhanthegroundmeathe’soffering.Stevenseemsoblivious.
AfterourdinnerdishesareclearedbyHelga,Jonathanturnstohisbrother.“WouldyoumindshowingSkylartherosegarden?IhaveafewthingsI’dliketodiscusswithEmilybeforedessertisserved.”
“Oh,well…Iguess…Imean,youknow…ifshewantsto.”Stevenisnotsellingenthusiasm.IfeelhorribleforSky.
“Icouldjustgouptomyroom,”sheoffersdejectedly.
“No,no,Imean,I’dlovetoshowyouthegardenifyouwanttoseeit,”Stevenfumbles.
Skystandsup,lookingmorelikeshe’sonherwaytoherownbeheadingthanabouttotakeastrollinabeautifulgardenwithagorgeousman.StevenSilverisnotbehavingasonemightexpect.Thatwouldbewithhimfallingoverhisfeettogaintheinterestofmylovelyfriend.
Aftertheyleave,Jonathansays,“Mybrotherisshy.Pleasetellyourfriendhemeansnodisrespect.”
“Howintheworldisheshy,lookingthewayhedoes?”
“Youthinkhe’sgoodlooking?”Jonathanasks,soundingsurprised.
“Totalbabe,”Ireplybeforeadding,“Youlookliketwins.”
AsmallsmilecrossedJonathan’smouth.“YouthinkI’mgoodlooking?”
“Yeah.”Astraightwomancantellagayguyhe’shotwithoutanyweirdness,right?WhyisitthenthatIfeelsoweirdrightnow?“Oh,Emily,”Ichastisemyself,“donotfallforanothergayguy.”TomHardyinjuniorhighdazzledmewithhisfearlessabilitytoblendargyleandstripes.IwashopelesslyinlovewithhimthroughallofeighthgradeuntilheconfrontedmeandtoldmethatasmuchasheadoredmeI’dneverbehistype.Iwasdevastated,butluckilyIbouncedbackwhenMichaelFarlandmovedtotown
“I’mnotgay,”Jonathansayslikehe’sreadingmymindagain.
Inodmyheadinaplacatingfashion.“Ofcoursenot.”Idon’tbelievehimthough.
“I’mguessingbythewaySkylarisfawningovermybrother,thatyouandshearen’tanitem.”
“I’mnotgay,”Itellhim.
“Ibelieveyou,”hesays.“It’sjustthatwhenyousaidyouhadafriendcomingtostaywithyou,Ithoughtshemightbemorethanjustafriend.”
“Nope,justafriend,”Isaybeforeadding,“IthinkSkyhasdevelopedalittlecrushonyourbrother.Ithoughtbringingherherewouldbeagoodwayforthemtoseeiftheywereafit.”
“Maybe,”isallheoffers.
“Whatdidyouwanttotalkwithmeabout?”Iask.
“Nothing.Iwasdoingthesamethingyouwere.TryingtogiveStevenandSkylarsometimealone.”Hmm,maybeJonathan’sanicerguythanI’vebeengivinghimcreditfor.
Idecidetochangethesubject.“Myplacelooksgreat,bytheway.Gretadidabang-upjobcleaningit.”
“Youshouldreallyhiresomeonetodothatforyou,”hetellsme.“Acleanhouseisthesignofanorganizedmind.”
“Acleanhouseisthesignofaboringperson,”Iretaliate.
“Onlyifyouaretheonedoingthecleaning.”
“Jonathan,youneedtolightenup.Seriously,thisuptight,neatnikthingyou’vegotgoingonisgoingtoturnStanrightoff.”
“Who’sStanandwhydoIcarewhathethinksofme?”
“Stanismyneighbor.Ihaveahunchthathemightbetheoneyou’resupposedtomeetbystayingatmyhouse.”
“I’mnotgay!”heyellsatme.Thenhestandsup,grabsmyhandandpullsmetowardthehouse.Afterpracticallydraggingmeintohislibrary(thelibraryinBeautyandtheBeastcouldtakeafewpointers)hepushesmedownontothechairathisdesk.
Heopensaphotoslideshowonhiscomputerscreen.Everytimethere’sapicturewithhimandawoman,hesays,“See?”
Afterthepictureofabikinicladsupermodelsittingonhislap,Istarttobelievehim.She’spracticallyperformingatonsillectomyonhim.“Whydidn’tyoutellmeyouwerestraight?”Idemand.
“Bymycount,I’vesaidthatatleastahalfdozentimes.Thequestionis,whyhaven’tyoubelievedme?”
“You’retooperfect,”ItellhimbeforewishingI’dkeptmymouthshut.ThisguyneedsabiggerheadlikeIneedmoredustinmylife.
“Thankyouforthecompliment,”hesayssmugly.
“Whatcompliment?Thatwasn’tacompliment.Womendon’tlikeperfectmen,”Itellhim.
“Whynot?”
“It’stoomuchpressure.There’senoughpressurebeingawomaninthistownwithouthavingtofeellikeyoucan’tliveuptoyourpartner’sflawlessness.Metrosexualwassolastsummer.”
“I’mnotmetrosexual.”Hesoundsoffendedagain.“Idon’tpluckmyeyebrows,getfacials,orfaketans,andI’venevercoloredmyhair.”
“That’sallnatural?”Ipointinthevicinityofhishead.
“Yes!”
“Okay.”Idon’tbelievehim.Noonehashighlightslikethatathisagewithoutpayingdearlyforthem.
“You’rereallystartingtogetonmynerves,doyouknowthat?”heaskswhileturningoffhiscomputer.
“It’snotlikeI’myourrealtorandyouhavetoworkwithmeoranything,”Itellhim.“Youdon’thavetolikeme.”
“Goodthing.”
Ilookdownathisfingernailsanddeclare,“Yougetmanicures.”
“Idonot.”
“Yourfingernailslookfiled.”Idon’tknowwhyI’mpersistingwiththis,butifpushcametoshove,I’dhavetoadmitthatIliketweakingJonathanSilver.I’mprettysurehe’snotusedtoanyonedoinganythinglessthanbowingdowntohim.
“Idoclipmyfingernails.Onewouldn’tthinkthat’ssomeover-the-topgroomingritual.”
“Iguessnot,”Iconcede.“ButIdon’tforoneminutethinkyourhighlightsarereal.”
“Youareaninfuriatingwoman.Icanseewhyyou’restillsingle.”Ouch.
“Well,Icanseewhyyou’restillsingle,too.”Inmyhead,Iadd,“Youbigmeanie.”
“I’mleavingnow.Gretawillbeservingdessertsoon,soyoumightwanttogobackouttotheveranda.”ThenhejustwalksawayfrommelikeI’mofnoconsequenceatall.Goodlucktothisguyfindingawomanhedeemsperfectenoughforhim.Ican’timaginesuchaparagonexists.ChapterFourteen
“Tellmeeverything,”IsaytoSkyaswesitcross-leggedonmygiantbed.SheandStevennevercamebacktothetablelastnight,soaftereatingmywholepieceofSachertorteandhalfofJonathan’s—hemustnothavealertedhisstaffthathewasleavingbeforedessert—Iwentupstairsallbymyself.Andbythat,ImeanMartinhadtoshowmethewayagain.
“He’snotatallwhatIexpectedhimtobelike,”Skysays.“Hetalkedaboutrosestheentiretime.HavinggrownupinPasadena,you’dthinkIkneweverythingtherewastoknowaboutroses,butyou’dbewrong.”
“Wereyoubored?”Because,youknow,itsoundsboring.
“Notabit!Ilearnedallkindsofinterestingthings.Like,didyouknowthattheJulietrosetookfifteenyearstobreedandcostanestimatedthreemilliondollarstogetitwhereitistoday?”
“Ididnot.”AndwhileIdon’tsayso,Idowonderwhoactuallycaresaboutsuchthings.Obviously,StevenandSky.“Didhekissyou?”
Sheshakesherhead.“No,wejusttalkedaboutroses.”
“Forthreehours?”IfellintoaSachertorte-inducedcomabytenthirtyandSkystillhadn’tcomeback.
“He’smorewonderfulthanIthoughthewouldbe.”Skysighs.
“I’mgladyouthinkso.JonathansaidtotellyouthatStevenisveryshyandthatyoushouldn’ttakeoffenseifheseemsoff-putting.”
“Hewasshyatfirst,butonceheshowedmehisOvernightSensationhereallyopenedup.”Twothings.IsOvernightSensationaeuphemismforsomethingelse?Andifnot,maybeStevenisthegayone?Iwiselydecidetokeepmymouthshut
Skytellsmethatshe’llcallanUbertotakeherintotheofficesoIcanheadoutandlookatacoupleplacesthathavepoppedupforAbril.“IwanttosoakinthatbathtubforanhourbeforeIgoanywhere.”
“Havefun,”Itellherbeforeleavinginsearchofbreakfast.FollowingMartin’sinstructionsfromlastnight,Itaketheelevatordowntothefirstfloor,thenIturnrightatthemahoganyHepplewhitesideboard,leftatthegildedrococoantiquemirror,andanotherrightbytheconcertgrandpiano.IwonderifJonathanplays.
AssoonasIwalkintothekitchen,Gerardgreets,“Ihaveagermanapplepancakeabouttocomeoutoftheoven.Howdoesthatsound?”
“Delicious.”Itellhim.“ButhowdidyouknowI’dbedownintime?”
“Ididn’t.IwaspreparedtohaveGretatakeupatray.”Hewinksbeforesaying,“I’llserveitinthediningroomifyou’dliketogositdown.”
“Whycan’tIeathere?”Iask.
“Youcaneatanywhereyouwant,”hetellsme,althoughheseemsnervousattheprospectofmystayinginhisdomain.
“AndbecauseMr.FancyPantsisn’there,maybeyou’llsitdownandkeepmecompany.”
“Mr.FancyPants?”helaughs.
“Howdoyouworkforthatguyandkeepastraightface?”
“It’snothard.Afterall,I’machef,andhe’smyboss.”
“Howmuchcanyoupossiblycookforhim?He’soneperson.”
“It’stheperfectjobbecauseIdon’thavetocookthatmuch.Itleavesplentyoftimeduringthedaytoworkonmyscreenplay.”
“You’reascreenwriter?”Howexciting.
“Notyet,butI’mworkingonit.”
“MaybeJonathanwillmakeamovieofyourscreenplay.RavenswoodFilmsishuge.”
Gerardshakeshishead.“Notachance.Inthistown,onceyou’repigeonholed,youstaypigeonholed.I’mprobablygoingtohavemyagentsubmitthefinalscriptusinganothername.”
Thetimerringsontheoven,andGerardannounces,“Timetoeat.”
Hedishesupagorgeouspancakeforme,instructing,“Squeezethelemonwedgeontopandthendipitinthepowderedsugar.”
“Won’tyousitdownandeatwithme?”
Gerardlooksaroundlikehe’sworriedtheGestapomightbenearby.Thenheshrugshisshouldersandannounces,“Whynot?”
WesitattheislandcountertogetherandarehavingagrandoldtimewhenMartinwalksin.Gerardjumpstohisfeetasthoughhewasjustcaughtcommittingawarcrime.MartinlookstornbetweengivingGerardasterntalkingtoandsittingdownandjoiningus.
Ikickoutanotherstool.“Sitdownandtakealoadoff,Martin.”
“Ishouldn’t,madam,”hesays,standingsotallhelookslikehe’shadasteelrodimplantedinhisspine.
“Iwon’tsayawordtoJonathan.Whenhecomeshome,youguyscanbeasformalasyouwant,butuntilthen,Isaywehavesomefun.”
Martincallsout,“Comeonin,Greta,”beforesittingdownwithus.
ThesturdyGermanhousekeeperwalksinandpoursherselfacupofcoffeebeforeasking,“Whyareyousonicetous?”
“Whywouldn’tIbenicetoyou?”
“YouareafriendofMr.Jonathan,”shesayscautiously.
“He’snotmyfriend.We’rejustswitchinghousesforawhile.You’veseenmyhouseGreta;youknowit’snothingcomparedtothis.”
“It’sverysmallanddirty,”shetellsMartinandGerard.Ouch.
NooneaskswhatJonathanisdoingatmyhouseandIdon’tofferanydetails.Instead,Isay,“HowaboutifImakeusdinnertonight?”
“Whatdoyouwanttomake?”Gerardasks.
“Boxedmacaroniandcheesewithbaconcrumbledontop.”Theygivemealookthatsuggeststheydon’tfindthisanexcitingproposal.Imighthavetoaddsomefreshparmesanandupmyculinarygame.
IenjoygettingtoknowJonathan’sstaffwhileIhooverdowntheapplepancake.OnceI’mfinished,Iask,“IsthereacoffeecupIcantakewithme?”
Gerardfillsathermosandhandsmeapaperbagfromthefridge.“Itookthelibertyofmakingyoulunch.”
Howniceisthat?“Thankyou,”Itellhimsincerely.“I’mnevergoingtowanttoleavehereifyoukeeptreatingmesowell.”
GretaandMartinshareanindecipherablelook,whichconveysthefeelingthey’reuptosomething.
Grabbingmypurse,laptop,coffee,andlunch,Iannounce,“I’llbehomebysixandplantohavedinneronthetablebyseven.Now,doIneedtoknowanythingspecialtogetoutofthegateorwillitjustopen?”
“Itopensonitsown,”Martintellsme.“Butitopensinward,sodon’tgettoocloseorit’llhityourcar.”
“Skyistakingabath,butshe’llbeleavingsoon.Shedoesn’thaveacarhere,sowillyoumakesuretolettheUberintopickherup?”
“We’lltakegoodcareofher,madam.”Martinstandsandbowsatthewaist.
“Martin,mynameisEmilyandthat’stheonlynameI’mgoingtoanswerto.Ifyoucallmemadam,I’mgoingtohavetostartcallingyousir.”
“Thatwon’tdoatall…Emily,”hepracticallychokesonmyname.
Ijustwaveandsay,“Seeyoutonight!Makesureyou’reallhungry.”ChapterFifteen
Sittinginmycar,IfireupmycomputerandscrollthroughthelistingswhilekeepingmymindfocusedonAbril.Threeofthemshinebrightly,andallofthemareinthesamehigh-riseinCenturyCity—theonlypartofLAwheremynewclientdoesn’twanttolive.Shealsowantedayardandfruittreeswhicharenotapartofcondoliving.Crap.
Idrivethetwelveminutestomydestination,whichhasbeencoinedtheCenturyCityCathedral,sonamedfortheextrahighceilings.Emptyceilingspace,thatdoesn’tcounttowardsquarefootage,istheultimateofluxurywhenyou’resellingviews.
ThehousesIhadthoughtmightworkforAbrilwerebetweenoneandtwomilliondollars,whichinLAisaprettystandardsumforastarterhouse.Thecondosthatlightupforherarebetweeneightandfourteenmilliondollars.I’mdefinitelygoingtohavetocallherandhaveachat.Iknowshesaidshedidn’tcarehowmuchherhousecost,aslongasitwastherightone,butthere’sabigdiscrepancybetweenwhatIwasoriginallylookingatandwhatI’mnowlookingat
Iparkonthestreetrightdowntheblockfromthebuilding.TheCenturyCityCathedralreallyisastunningplacebut,ofcourse,it’snotwhatmyclientwants.
Walkingthroughthelobby,Ipulloutmyphoneandpunchinhernumber.IstopshortatthereceptionwhereIneedtosigninbecauseAbriliswalkingtowardme.
“Emily,whatareyoudoinghere?”sheaskswhilelookingaroundsidetosidelikeI’manapparitionandshewondersifotherpeoplecanseeme.
“I’mlookingatafewcondosforoneofmyclients.”Idon’twanttotellherit’sforheruntilIknowwhyshe’shere.
“Thisisahorriblebuilding,”shetellsme.“Iwouldn’trecommenditatall.”
“Doyoulivehere?”Iask.
“Onlyuntilyoufindmemydreamhome.Oncethathappens,Iwillwalkawayandnevercomeback.”
“Canwesitdowninthelobbyandtalkforaminute?”
“Yes,ofcourse.”Sheleadsthewaytooneofthemanyseatingareasscatteredabout.
Sittingonamodernchairofleatherandchrome,Idecidetocomeclean.“Ilookedatseveralhousesforyouyesterdayandnoneofthemweretheone.”
Shenodsherhead.“Thenyoumustkeeplooking,yes?”
“I’mnotsure.Thethreeplacesthatappearbestforyouareallinthisbuilding.”Ihurrytoadd,“Iknowyoudon’twanttoliveinCenturyCity,andIknowyouwantayard,butIhavetotellyouthatthisiswhereyou’remeanttobeifyou’regoingtomeetyoursoulmate.”
“Thatcannotbe!”Abril’sfaceflusheswithheightenedemotion.“Ihavelivedherefortenyearsandithasnothappened,”shesaysadamantly.Herauraispulsingred,whichmeansanger.
“ThenI’mnotsureI’mtherealtorforyou,Abril.”Ihurrytoexplain,“Thishappensallthetime.Clientsdon’talwayswanttolivewheremygiftsuggeststheyshould.Youcametomeforhelpandthisiswhereitlookslikeyoushouldbe.”
Sheflexesherfingersopenedandclosedseveraltimesbeforefoldingtheminandformingfists.“WhataretheapartmentnumbersyouthinkIshouldlookat?”
IgiveherthefirstoneandsheshakesherheadsoviolentlyI’mafraidshe’sgoingtogiveherselfwhiplash.“ThatiswhereIalreadylive!”sheyellsangrily.
“Ifthat’swhereyoualreadylive,thenIthinkyoushouldkeeplivingthereandwaititout.”
Myclientstandsabruptlyandannounces,“Iamverydisappointedinyou,Emily.Sandrinesaidyouwerewonderful,butIdonotthinkso.”
“Again,I’mreallysorry,Abril…”Istarttosay,butshecutsmeoff.
“Goodbye.”SheturnsandwalksawaysoquicklyI’msurprisedshedoesn’tleaveatrailofsmokeinherwake.
IfeelbadthatAbrildoesn’tbelieveme,butI’mnotgoingtolietoher.She’sintheperfectplaceforherhappilyeverafter,shejusthastostaytherelongenoughforittohappen.
Withabigchunkofmymorningsuddenlyfree,IdecidetoheadovertomyplaceandhangoutwithGeorgeforanhourorso.AweirdsensationflowsovermeasIparkinfrontofmytownhouse.IfeelasthoughI’mvisitingthehomeofastranger.
IworrythatmeanswhenJonathanfindshishappyendingandmovesout,Imighthavetosell,aswell.Ipulloutmyfrontdoorkeyandtrytoputitintothelock,butitdoesn’tfit.I’mstartingtofeellikeI’mstarringinoneofthosesci-fimovieswheresomeonewakesupinanotherdimensionandthelifetheythoughttheyhadnolongerexists.
IknockonMrs.Feldman’sdoorinapanic.Idon’tknowwhatI’lldoifshedoesn’tknowme.Thelookonherfacewhensheanswersleadsmetobelievemyworstnightmarehascometrue.Shesquintshereyesandleanscloser.Isuggest,“Putyourglasseson,Mrs.Feldman.”
Assoonasshedigsthemoutofherpocketandputsthemonherface,asmileofrecognitiontakesover.“Goodmorning,Emily.WhatcanIdoforyou?”
“IwasjustwonderingifyouhadthatcopyofmykeythatIgavetoyou?Forsomereasonmykeyisn’tworking.”
“Didn’tyourboyfriendtellyou?”sheasksinresponsetothedumbexpressionthattakesovermyface.“Hehadthelockschangedyesterday.”
Whatthe…“Didhementionwhy?”Idon’tbothertryingtoexplainthatheisn’tmynewboyfriend.
“Ididn’ttalktohim.Ijustsawhimwiththelocksmith.”Thenshespeculates,“Heprobablydoesn’twantanyofyourexesstoppingbyunannounced.”
“Mrs.Feldman,youshouldknowfullwellthatIdon’thavemenshowinguprightandleft.”Notforlackofwantingit,mindyou.
“JustbecauseIdon’tseeit,doesn’tmeanitisn’thappening.”Mrs.Feldmanmakesitherbusinesstonoticeeverything.Every.Thing.
“ThenJonathandidn’tgiveyouacopyforsafekeeping?”Sheshakesherheadcausingthegreyingfrizzthatisherhairtobouncearound.“Well,thankyouanyway,”Itellherbeforeleaving.
I’mdriventofindoutwhyJonathanchangedmylocks.Onmywaytohisstudio,Isendhimsixtextsandleavetwovoicemails.
RavenswoodPicturesislocatedintheheartofHollywoodandittakesmethirtyminutestodrivethetwelve-miledistance.WitheverypassingmilethatIdon’thearbackfromJonathan,Ifindmyselfgettingangrierandangrier.
Ipulluptotheimpressivelylargegatesatthemainentranceandannounce,“I’mheretoseeJonathanSilver.”
Theguardlooksathisclipboardandasks,“What’syourname?”
“EmilyHargrove,”IsaywithsuchforceIpracticallyspitontheguy.
Hetakesastepbackandflipsthroughhislistbeforegoinginsidehislittlehut.Iseehimbangingawayonhiscomputerbeforepickingupatelephone.Whenhecomesbackout,hesays,“I’msorry,Idon’thaveyouonthelist.MaybeyoushouldcallMr.Silver’soffice.”
“I’mnotgoingtomoveuntilyouletmein,”Isayunwisely.
“ThenI’llhavetocallsecurity,miss.Youcan’tholduptrafficlikethis.”Ilookinmyrearviewmirrorandseenofewerthansixcarslinedupbehindme.
“HowamIgoingtobackupifIcan’tgetout?”Iask.
“I’llletyouthroughtomakeaU-turn.”Asthemechanicalarmlifts,Idrivethrough.ButinsteadofmakingtheU-turnI’vebeeninstructedtomake,IkeepdrivingwhenIseethemanI’mlookingforcrossingthestreetinfrontofme.
IpullupnexttoJonathan,whoappearstobeinadeepdiscussionwithmegamoviestarJustinFox.Irolldownmywindowanddemand,“Ineedmyhousekey.”
“Emily,whatareyoudoinghere?”heaskswhilelookingoverthetopofmycar.Hecallsout,“It’sokay,youcanputyourgunsaway.”
Iturnaroundtofindthreeguardsquicklyapproachingwiththeirweaponsdrawn.Yikes.IturnbacktoJonathanandrepeatoverthelumpoffearinmythroat,“I’mhereforacopyofmyhousekey.”Man,myheartisbeatingfast.WhatwasIthinking?Gunsdrawn!“Whydidyouchangemylocks?”
“They’remylocksforaslongasI’mstayingthere,”hetellsme.“AndIchangedthemsoIcancontrolwhohasaccesstomyspace.”
JustinFoxclearshisthroat,soJonathanturnstohimandsays,“Justin,thisismy…”
Heprobablywouldhavesaidrealtor,andIprobablyshouldhavelethim,butforsomereason,Ifeelcompelledtointerrupthim.“I’mhisbackwaxer.”
Justin’seyestwinkleinamusementasJonathanpracticallygasps,“Backwaxer?”Thenheturnstothemoviestarnexttohimandsays,“She’smylandlady.”
“Landlady?”
“I’mhavingsomeworkdoneonmyplace,”hesaysbywayofexplanation.Thenheturnsbacktomeandinstructs,“Pulloverthere.”Hepointstoanopenspaceinfrontofthebuildinghecamefrom.“I’llbewithyouassoonasIfinishtalkingtoJustin.”Hedoesnotsoundpleased.
Whenheshowsup,thefirstwordsoutofhismouthare,“Mybackwaxer?”Hepullsouthiskeychainandstartstounwinditfromthemetalring.
“Youhadmylockschanged?”Icounter.
“Ididn’tliketheideaofrandompeoplewalkinginanytimetheywanted.”
“Whatrandompeople?”Idemandwithmyhandsonmyhips.DoeshethinkIrunsomekindofflophouseorsomething?
“YourneighborwalkedinonmewhileIwasintheshowerlastnight.”
“Whichone?”Iaskliketheanswercouldsomehowofferalogicalexplanation.
“Theoldladywiththecat.”
“ShebroughtMr.Knuckleswithher?”
“No,butshesaidthatsheandMr.Knuckleswereworriedaboutyouwhenyoudidn’tanswerthedoor.”
IflingmyhandsintotheairlikeI’mthrowingconfetti.“There’syouranswer.Shewasworriedaboutme.”
“Yes,well,Idon’tknowhowmanyotherpeopleyou’vegivenkeystowhomightworryaboutyouandIfeltitbesttoprotectmyprivacy,aswellasmymodesty.”
Dramatic,much?Idon’tcomerightoutandsaythisbutthelookonmyfaceismeanttoconveyit.
Heignoresmysneer.“You’regoingtoneedtohaveacopymadeandthenreturnthiskeytome.”
“I’mnotyourassistant,”Itellhim,annoyedbyhishigh-handedness.
“Clearly.Butbeingthatyoucouldn’twaitlongenoughformyassistanttogetacopytoyou,you’regoingtohavetodohisjob.”
“Youweregoingtomakemeakey?”I’msuddenlylessangry.Don’tgetmewrong,I’mstillannoyedthathehadthelockschanged,butknowinghewasgoingtogivemeacopysoothessomeofmymad.
“Ofcourse,Iwasgoingtomakeyouacopy.It’syourhouseafterall.”
Itakethekeyoutofhishand.“PleaseleavemynameatthegatesoI’mnotthreatenedbygunfireagain.”Ifeelprettyproudofmyselfforsayingthatwithoutmyvoicewobbling.Guns?Seriously?
“Fine.I’mabouttoleavethestudiofortheday,”heinformsme.“Iguessyou’lljusthavetomeetmebackatyourplacelaterthisafternoon.”
“Icouldleaveakeyunderthematforyou,”Itellhim.
“That’slesssecurethankeepingtheoldlock.I’llbetherebyfive,”hetellsme.
“WhatifIhaveplansatfive?”
“ThenIwouldsuggestwaitingformyassistanttomakeyouakeyinsteadofviceversa.”
“Fine.”Istarttorollupthewindowbutbeforeit’sfullyclosed,Ishout,“Youhavetoactuallyspendtimeinmyneighborhoodifyouwantthishouseswaptoworkforyou.”
“Iwill,butIstillhaveajobtodo,”heyellsbackasIpullaway,leavinghiminmydust.Well,notdustasI’monlygoingfivemilesanhouronthestudiostreet,butinmyheadI’mburningrubberonadirtroadandleavinghiminahazeofmyirritation.ChapterSixteen
GeorgejumpsdownfromthebookcaseontomyshouldersassoonasIwalkintomylivingroom.IthrowtheenvelopewithJonathan’skeyontotheconsolebeforepickingupmykittyandgivinghimavigorousrub.“Hiya,Georgie.Isthemeanmantreatingyouwell?”Asexpected,hedoesn’tanswer.
Iputmycatdownandstarttowalkthroughmyhouse.Itfeelsveryweirdhere.Foronething,itdoesn’tsmelllikemyhouseanymore.ThefamiliarkittylitterandcookiefragrancethatIknowandlovehasbeenreplacedwithacleancitrusyaroma.It’snotunpleasant,justforeign.
Ikickoffmyshoesandflopontomysofawithmylaptop.NowthatAbrilandIareontheouts,Imightjuststayoutoftheofficetodayandworkfromhome.Thistranslatesintomakingafewappointmentstoshowotherclientshouses,thenquicklydevolvesintobinge-watchingTheCrownonNetflix.
IcaneasilyseeJonathanandayoungPrincePhilliphangingouttogether,shootingthebreezelikeacoupleofalphamales.ThequeenandIwouldbealesslikelyfit,althoughIgiveherhighmarksforstayingtruetoherownstyleandnottryingtobesomethingsheisn’t.
I’mnotanapper,andIsleptgreatlastnightinmyginormousnewdigs,butIstillfallasleepsomewherearoundthetimePrincessMargaret’slovelifestartstofallapartforthesecondtime.Iwakeuptofranticpoundingonthefrontdoor.
“Emily,it’sJonathan.Openup!”
ItossoffthecashmerethrowIwassnugglingunderandhurrytounlockthedoor.“Hey,”Igreetsleepily.
“I’vebeenknockingfortenminutes,”heaccuseslikeIwaspurposefullynotlettinghimin.
“Ifellasleeponthecouch.I’masoundsleeper.”
Heforgespastme,lookingaroundasthoughfearfulthatI’vesomehowdisruptedhisorder.Thenheturnsaroundandholdsouthishand.“Thekey?”
Igesturetotheenvelopeontheconsolebeforegoingintothekitchentogrababottleofwater.“Areyouplanningonstaying?”Hesoundsworried.
“Don’tgetyourpantiesinabunch,Jonathan.I’mgoingbacktoyourhouseinafewminutes.I’mhavingdinnerwithfriends.”
“Atmyhouse?”He’sbacktosoundingpanicked.Thisguyneedsahorsetranquilizerorsomething.
“Don’tworry.Martinwillbabysitandmakesurewedon’tgetintoanytrouble.”Idon’ttellhimthatit’shisstaffI’mhavingdinnerwithbecauseIdon’twanttogetthemintoanyhotwater.Ican’timaginethatJonathanwouldbehappywithmebefriendinghishelp.
Hemovespastmewiththegraceofapantherandpullsaglassdownfromthecabinet.“I’msorryifIupsetyoubychangingthelocks.IcanhavethemchangedbackwhenIleaveifyou’dlike.”
“It’sokay.”Idecidetoletthisonego.ThenIask,“JustinFox,huh?”
“He’sjustsignedontodoafilmwithus.”
“Thatfilmoughttodoverywell,”Itellhimwhilefillingaplasticbagwithseveralboxesofmacaroniandcheesefrommypantry.
“You’reafan?”Forsomereasonhedoesn’tsoundpleased.
“AtlasismyGreekgodcrush.”JustinstarredintheblockbusterfilmAtlasUnearthed.Iexplain,“Howmanymencanactuallyholdtheentireplanetontheirshoulders?”
“So,it’snotJustinthatyoulike,butAtlas?”Hesoundssurprised.
“I’mnotonetocrushoncelebrities,”Itellhim.
“ButifAtlasaskedyouout,you’dgo?”He’slaughingatme.
“Youbet.”Iexplain,“EventhoughAtlaslostcontroloftheuniversetotheOlympicgods,I’dbehardpressedtopassupanopportunitytomakehimatacodinner.”
“Tacos?”
“Ithinkhe’dbeatacoguy.”Iadd,“Maybeshrimptacos,butyeah,tacoswouldbehisjam.”
“You’renotnormal,areyou,Emily?”
Insteadofmakingmegrumpy,Isuppressalaugh.Jonathan’sstuffed-shirtselfamusesme.“Onthecontrary,I’mverynormal.”Thenforclarificationpurposes,Iask,“What’syourdefinitionofnormal?”IfhedescribesaLucytype—whichhemight,consideringtheindustryhe’sin—Iwouldnotbenormal.
“NormalwomenwouldwanttodateJustinFoxandnotthegodheplaysinthemovies.They’dalsoprobablywanttobewinedanddinedatanexpensiverestaurantwheretheycouldshowtheirdateoff.Idon’tthinktacoswouldenterintothepicture.”
Iscrewthelidbackonmybottleofwater,grabmysackofmacaroni,andheadforthelivingroomwhilesaying,“I’dkindofliketotrytofirehisbiggun,youknowtheonefromthemovie.”
Jonathanfull-onstartstolaughatme.“That’squiteaeuphemism.”
Theheatofablushcoversmyface.“Imeanhisrealgun,youperv.”Igrabmylaptop,mysweater,andmypurseoffthecouchbeforebendingovertopickupGeorge.IfcarryingstuffwasanOlympicevent,I’dsowingold.
“Makesureyougivemykittyalotofattention.He’sgoingtobeverylonelyforme.”
“Notifyoukeepstoppingby,”hesaysbeforeadding,“Hesleptwithmelastnight.”
I’msurprisedthatJonathanwouldsleepwithGeorge.Theremightbesomehopeforhim.“Good.Anddon’tforgettorubhisbellyandtellhimhe’sprettyboy.Georgeisveryproudofhowhandsomeheis.”
Jonathanpretendstobetakingnoteswithanimaginarypenandpad.“AndifAtlasstopsby,I’llinvitehiminandcallyousoyoucancomeoverandmakehimtacos.”
“Don’tmakefunofme,Jonathan.IknowthereisnorealAtlas,butsurelyyou’vehadafairytalecrushbefore.”
“SandraBullockfromthenineties,”hereplieswithoutmissingabeat.
“Butshe’sarealperson,”Isay.“Forittobeafairytalecrush,itwouldhavetobeoneofthecharacterssheplayed.”
Heshakeshishead.“I’dneedatimemachinetomeetherbackthen.Thatmakesitfairytaleenough,don’tyouthink?”
“I’mnotsure.Imeanshestilllooksgreat,Ibetyou’ddatehernow.”
“She’sinherfifties;I’minmylatethirties.Idon’tthinkwe’dmakethebestfit.”
“Areyouanageist?”Idemand,likehe’sinsultingmygoodfriendSandra.
“No,butI’dliketohaveafamilysomedayandIdon’tthinkMs.Bullockwillbeonboardwiththatinhersixties.”
“Iguess.”
“Although,Icouldalwaysfindsomeonewhoremindsmeofherbackintheday.MaybethatwayIcouldreallylivemyfairytale.”Ithasn’tescapedmynoticethatJonathantoldmeIremindedhimofSandraBullockfromtheninetieswhenwefirsttalkedonthetelephone.
Withthegraceofapuppyoniceskates,Ihurryoutthedoorwithoutcommenting.Ican’thelpbutwonder,IsJonathanSilverflirtingwithme?ChapterSeventeen
Martin,Gerard,Helga,andGretaallshowupinthekitchenatsevensharp.Skyisworkinglate,soshewon’tbejoiningus.
“Ilovethesmellofbacon,”Gerardannounceswithhiseyesclosedandhisnoseintheairlikehe’sexperiencingoneoflife’sgreatestpleasures.Whichheis.
“Itisokay,”Gretasays,“butbratwurstisbetter.”
“Oh,bratsboiledinbeerandthencookedoveranopenfireareamazing,”Isay,ensuringourfastfriendship.
“Ja,thatistheway,”sheagrees,withahugesmileonherface.
MartinliftsthewoodenspoonsittinginthevatofmacaroniandcheeseIjustcookedupandwantstoknow,“Whyisitsoorange?”
“That’stheresultoftheperfectblendoffooddye,”Itellhim.“There’snoactualcheeseinthere.”HecringeslikeI’mservingworms.
Iscooteveryonetowardthekitchentable,whichI’vealreadyset.ThenIannounce,“Wehavetoeatwhilethemacaroniishotforthebestflavor.”Mynewfriendslookskeptical.
Afterdishingupatleastthreeservingsforeveryone,becauseinmyhumbleopiniononeboxequalsoneserving,Iwalkaroundandcrumblefreshlyfriedbaconontopoftheirmeals.“Iwashedmyhandsfirst,”IsaywhenIseethelookofdisgustonHelga’sface.
Oncewe’reallseated,Iannounce,“Digin.”Noonerushestodoso.Imoanandgroanandenjoymyfirstfewbitessomuch,theyalleventuallyjoinme.
“It’ssalty,”Gerardsays.
“Creamy,”Martinadds.
“It’sheaven,”Gretajoinsin.
“Whatdoyouthink,Helga?”Iask.
“Idonotwanttotalk.Iwanttoeat.”Heranswersaysitall.Shelovesit!
Thereislittlechitchatoverdinner,asmymealisasbigofasuccessasIknewitwouldbe.Eventhesnobbiestofgourmetslovesboxedmacn’cheese.Afterclearingthedishes,Iputacandleinfrontofeveryone’splacebeforelightingit.
“What’sthisfor?”Gerardwantstoknow.
“Dessert.”Iplopaboxofgrahamcrackersonthetablealongwithabagofjumbo-sizedmarshmallowsandanarrayofchocolatebars.“We’rehavings’mores,butyouhavetomakethemyourselves.”Ispokesmodelhowit’sdone.
“Ihaven’thadthesesinceIwasachild,”Martinsays,joininginexcitedly.
Weproceedtofinishofftheentireboxofgrahamcrackerswhichsadlysignalsthatit’stimetostopeating.WhenGerardstandsuptoclearthedishes,Itellhim,“Icooked,soIcleanup.Butfirstwehavetodigest.”
“I’msofull,Ican’tmove,”Martingroans.
“Followme,”ItellmynewfriendsasIrolloffmychairontothefloor.Iproceedtocrawlacrossthekitchentothefirstlargeopenspace,whichhappenstobethehallwaythatleadstothefrontdoor.ThenIliedownbeforepoppingthebuttononmyjeansforcomfort.
Jonathan’sstafffollowssuit.IfIwasn’ttheoneperpetratingthisscene,I’dlaughmybuttoffathowfunnyeveryonelooks.
Oncewe’reallspreadeagleseveralfeetapartfromeachother,Iannounce,“Tellmethatwasn’tthebestmealyou’veeverhad.”
“Nowherenearthebest,”Gerardreplies,“butverysatisfying,nonetheless.”
“Iwouldhavetoagree,”Martinconcurs.
Helgamerelymoans,asGretapipesinwith,“Ja,sehrgut.”
Weliethereforwhatfeelslikehours,butI’msureit’sonlytwentyminutesorso,whenthefrontdooropens.Skywalksinanddemands,“Didyousaveanyforme?”
“Howdidyougetthroughthegates?”Iask.Iknowforafactthatnooneinthehouseletherinbecausewe’realllyingonthefloor.
“IfollowedStevenin.Ihopeyoudon’tmind,butIinvitedhimupfordinner.”Shestepsoveruslikeshe’splayingasupercomplicatedgameofdrunkTwister.
“There’smoreinthepot,”Itellherfromthefloor,“butweateallofthes’mores.”
“Theentirebox?”
“Whydoyouthinkwe’reallcurrentlyinthisstate?”
Beforeshecananswer,Stevenwalksin.“Everyoneokay?”heaskswithconcerninhisvoice.
“They’reexperiencingmacandcheesebloat,”Skytellshim.“They’llbefineinaboutanhour.”ShenegotiatesherwaybacktothefrontdoorandtakesSteven’shandtoleadhimthroughthebattlefieldofbodieslyingontheground.
Martinsoundsnervouswhenhesays,“Sir,I’dappreciateitifyoudidn’tmentionthistotheotherMr.Silver.”
“Iwouldn’tdreamofit,”Steventellshim.“EspeciallyasI’mplanningonjoiningyou.”Headds,“JonathanandIgrewuponboxedmacaroniandcheese.It’soneofmyfavoritefoods.”HeandSkygointothekitchenstillholdinghands.
“I’mmortified,”Martinsaysastheyleave.“Thisisundignifiedbehaviorforabutlertobeparticipatingin.”
“You’renotabutlertonight,Martin.You’readinnerguest,andasIamthehostess,youareobligatedtodowhatItellyoutodo.”Hedoesn’targue.WhenIhearthegentlesnorescomingfromhisdirectionIknowhe’sfallenintoacarbcoma.
SkyandStevenbringtheirbowlsintotheentrywayandsitdownonthefloortojointheparty.Skytakesabiteandsays,“Youaddedextrabutter,didn’tyou?”
“Onlyoneextrastick,”Itellher.
“Awholestick?”Shedropsherforklikeit’ssuddenlyturnedintomoltenmetal.
“Imadeeightboxes,sothat’sonlyoneextratablespoonperbox.”
Stevenisbusyshovelingforkfulsintohismouthlikehehasn’teateninamonth.“Sogood…”isallhecomesupforairtosay.
Skygoesbacktoeating,whichItaketomeanthewholebuttersituationhasbeenworkedoutinherhead.Assoonasshetakesherlastbite,shepushesherbowlawayandliesdownwiththerestofus.
Oncewe’reallrecumbentandrecovering,Iannounce,“IwasthinkingthenexttimeIcook,I’llmakeushomemademacaroniandcheese.”Iexplain,“Iusefourkindsofcheeseandheavycreaminsteadofmilk.”
Achorusof“please,no”and“stoptalkingaboutfood”hitstheether.Perhapsitistoosoontoplanmynextculinarycoup.BeforeIcansayasmuchthough,thefrontdooropensagain.Itcanonlybeoneperson.
“Haveyouallbeenmurdered?”Jonathan’svoiceboomsacrossthehall.Hisentirestaffjumpstotheirfeetsoquickly,you’dalmostthinkthey’dneverbeenlyingdown.
Martingoesintoimmediatebutlermode.“Sir,mayIofferyouadrink?”
Jonathanlookshimupanddown,notinghisunbuttonedpantsandshirthalfoutofhistrousers.Isthatasmileabouttobreakfree?“Don’tworryaboutme,Martin,I’mjustheretogetafilethatIleftinthelibrary.”Hiseyesscanthefloorandrestonme,“Wouldyoupleasejoinme,Emily?”
Darnit,hesoundsmad,whichIcanonlyassumemeansthatI’mabouttobeyelledat.IrolloverontomykneesandendeavortostandupwhenIrealizethatwilltakemoreeffortthanIcurrentlyhavetheenergytoexecute.That’showIcometocrawlafterJonathanlikesomebeggargrovelingafteraking.ChapterEighteen
Outsidethelibrarydoor,IfinallypullmyselfuptomyfeetbeforejoiningJonathan.
Hesitsdownatagiantdeskwhichwouldbesufficientforseveralnormalpeople.“Wouldyouliketoexplainwhat’sgoingonoutthere?”
“Imadesupper,”Itellhimwithoutgoingintodetail.
“Didyouseasonitwitharsenic?”
“Ha,ha,ha,”Ireplymirthlesslybeforeadding,“Wemayhaveeatentoomuch.”
“Youcookedformystaff.”It’snotaquestionsomuchasapointoffact.
“Yup.”
“Why?”
“Idon’tknow,maybebecausethey’veallbeensonicetome.WhydoIneedareason?”
Heputshiselbowsonthetableandteepeeshisfingerstogetherinfrontofhim.“Ipaythemtobenicetomyguests.Theyarestaff,afterall.”
“Ibegtodiffer.Youpaythemtotakecareofyourguests.Beingniceissomethingtheychooseontheirown.”
“You’veonlybeenhereforoneday,”hesays,“andalreadyyou’vesetmyhouseholdtopsy-turvy.”
Ican’thelpthegigglethatburstsoutofme.
“Whyisthatfunny?”hedemands.
“Topsy-turvysoundslikesomethinglittlegirlsinVictoriantimeswouldsay.”
“Ibelievetheymighthaveusedthetermcatawampusorcockeyed,”hereplieswithatwinkleinhiseye.“Idon’tthinktopsy-turvycameintovogueuntiltheearlytwentiethcentury.”
Iplopdownonachairinfrontofhisdesk.“Goodforyou,havingasenseofhumoraboutyourself,”Itellhim.“Now,whyareyoureallyhere?”
“I’mhereforafile,likeItoldMartin.”
“Whichfile?”Idemand,eyinghimclosely.
Hehurriestoopenadrawerandmakesashowofdiggingthroughit.Whenit’sclearhecan’tfindanyfiles,hesays,“Imusthaveleftitattheoffice.”
“Whyareyoureallyhere,Jonathan?”
“It’sveryquietatyourhouse,”heconfesses.
“Whatdoyounormallydoatnightwhenyou’rehome?”
“IhaveaspecialroomwhereI…um…”
“Box?”Iguess.
“Er,no.”
“Sewblanketsfororphans?”
HelooksatmelikeI’velostmymind.“No…”
“Makewreathsoutofdriedcitrusfruittosellatcraftshows.”Ican’thelpit;I’mhavingfuntoyingwithhim.
“No.IhaveaspecialroomwhereIliketorelax.”
“TheDepot?”Iask.
“You’vegoneinthere,haven’tyou?”hedemandsangrily.
“Iwasintherewhenyoucalledmefrommyroomyesterday,”Itellhim.“Andbeforeyougetyourknickersinaknot,Ithinkit’safabulousroom.”
“Idon’twearknickers,Emily,”hesayssternly.
“Iwouldn’thavetakenyouforacommandokindofguy,”Itellhim.
“Iwearboxers,notthatit’sanyofyourbusiness.”Thenhedemands,“WhydidyougointomyroomafterItoldyounotto.”
“I’dalreadybeenintherebeforeyoutoldmenotto.”
“Thequestionbegs,whywouldyouopenacloseddoorinahousethatisn’tyourown?”
“Jonathan,I’marealtor,that’swhatIdo.”Helookslikehe’ssofteningslightly,soItakeagambleandask,“Doyouwanttogoplaywithyourtrains?”
Whoops,wrongwording.“Idonotplaywithmytrains,”herespondsinaverysuperiortone.
“Whatdoyoudowiththemthen?”
Hisfaceturnsredinablush.“I’mtheconductor,”hetellsme.“Iconductthem.”
“Ah,wellthen,wouldyouliketogoplayconductorforawhile?”Idon’tcarewhathesays,agrownmanconductingatoytrainsetisplaying.Hedoesn’tanswerrightaway,soIoffer,“I’llgowithyou.I’dlovetoseethewholethinginmotion.”
“It’smyprivateroom,”hesays.“I’veneverhadguestsinthere.”
“NotevenSteven?”
“StevencangoinwhenI’mnotthere.”Istandupandstarttowalkoutofthelibrary.Jonathanpracticallybellowsinmywake,“Whereareyougoing?”
Ipickupmypace.“I’mgoingtoplaywithyourtrains.”ThenIbreakintoafullrun.
Jonathanfollowsme.“That’smyroom!”ButI’mfarenoughaheadthathedoesn’tcatchuptomeuntilI’malreadyopeningthedoortoTheDepot.
Ifliponthelightsandamabouttorunovertotheconductor’schairwhenJonathanburststhroughthedoorandmakesagrabforme.HepullsmetowardhimwithsuchforceIpracticallyflyintohisarms.
WordsescapemeasIfeelthehardlengthofhimpressedagainstme.Hedoesn’tletmegorightawayeitherandIfindmyselfhopingit’sbecausehelikeshowthisfeelsasmuchasIdo.Thebuildingtensioniseithergoingtoresultinmekissingtheman—wheredidthatideacomefrom?—ormakingajoke.
BeforeIcansayanythingthough,Jonathantakesastepbackwhichcausesmetofallforward.Apparently,Iwasleaningonhim.“I’llshowyouhowitworksifyoupromisenottocomeinherewithoutme,”hesays,whilemakingabeelineforhischair.
“Deal,”IagreeasIhurrybehindhim.Hesitsdownandreachesunderthetabletopulloutanhonest-to-Godconductor’shat.Iwanttolaughsobadly,butIdon’tdare,orhemightbanishmefromthisroomforever.
JonathanturnsonallkindsofswitchesthatIdidn’thaveanopportunitytotrythelasttimeIwasinhere.Whenthetown’slightsturnon,Iwatchinwonderaslittlefreestandingpeoplestarttomove.Thesidewalksareconveyorbeltsthatcarrytheoldwestern-garbedfigurinesthroughouttown.
“Therearethreeseparatetrains,”heexplains,“andit’smyjobastheconductortomakesuretherearenocollisions.”Heillustrateshowhedoesthisbyflippingswitchesthatcausethetrainstomoveontodifferenttracks.Hespeedsthemupandslowsthemdown.I’mtotallyengrossedandcanseewhyhewastryingtosneakinheretonighttoplay.Itmustbehisformofmediation.
“CanItry?”Iask,barelysuppressingaburstofenergythathasmewantingtopushhimoutofhischairsoIcantakeover.
“No.Youneedseveralmorelessonsbeforeyoucanbeaconductor.”
“Areyouserious?”Hecan’tbeserious.
“Ofcourse,I’mserious.ThisisaveryintricateoperationthatI’vespentyearsperfecting.Ican’triskanytrouble.”
Ifalltothefloorinmockhorrorandlietherewhilehecontinueshisdiatribe.“Thisisnotatoy.Thisisaveryseriouspursuit.”Blah,blah,blah,blah,blah.
Istoplisteningandbecomedistractedbyalightshiningunderthehemofthetraintable.I’mabouttoliftitwhenJonathanseeswhatI’mdoingandyells,“Don’tgounderthere!”
Yeah,‘causethat’sgoingtoworkonme.Iimmediatelyliftthefabricandrollunderbeforehecanstopme.Holycow,Jonathanhasbuilthimselfafortunderhere,full-onwithscatteredpillowsandblankets!
“Um,Jonathan,”Istarttosay.
Silence.
“Youbuiltyourselfalittlefort?”
Silence.
Istarttoriflethroughastackofoldcomicbooksandaccuse,“You’reanAtlasfan,too!”
“Pleasecomeoutfromthere.”Hisvoicesoundsstrangled.
“Noway.”Idon’tneedhimthinkinghecanbossmearound.
“Please,”hebegs.
“Nope.”
BeforeIknowwhat’shappening,Jonathanreachesahandunderthetableandtriestomakeagrabforme.Iscootawayandstartsquealingthecloserhegets.Finally,hegetsoffhischairandjoinsme.Thefirstthinghedoesistakeholdofmyankleandgiveitasharptug.
Irollover,hopingtograbontoatablelegsohecan’tpullmeout,butI’mnotfastenough.HeyanksmetowardhimwithsuchforcethatIknockintohim.Hepracticallylandsontopofme.Yowza!
Jonathanstaresdeeplyintomyeyes,likeromance-noveldeeply.Booksmakeupthelion’sshareofmyromanticlife,don’tjudge.“Emily…”hesaysbeforeIcanscootaway.
“Jonathan…”Icounter.WhatIreallywanttosayis,“Takemenow,righthereinyourbigboyfortunderyourtrainset.”ButIdon’twanthimtothinkI’mmakingfunofhim.
Insteadofreadingmymindandenjoyingmoreinterestingpursuits,Jonathanbreaksallcontactwithmeandrollsoutfromunderthefort.“I’dbettergetgoing.”
What?Why?IfthisbehaviorisanyindicationhowJonathanactsinaromanticsituation,hemightneedmorethananaddresschangetofindthewomanofhisdreams.Ofcourse,Imayjustnotbehisideaofwhathe’slookingfor.ChapterNineteen
IfollowJonathandownstairsandthencleanupthekitchen.WitheverydishIrinseandeverysurfaceIscrub,Ihopeforclarity.Idon’tgetit.
Mygifthasneverbroughtmelovebefore,butwhatifthat’sabouttochange?WhatifJonathanmovingintomyhousehasnothingtodowithhimfindinghissoulmateinmyneighborhood,butwithme?
JonathanisnothinglikethemanIseemyselfwith.He’swaytoorich,snooty,andparticularabouthowcleanhissurroundingsare.Havingsaidthat,I’malwaystellingmyclientstokeepanopenmind.MaybeIshouldbedoingthesame.
SkyisinoursuitewhenIfinallydragmyselfuptobed.“How’sitgoingwithSteven?”Iask,hopingtotransfermythoughtsontoalessconfusingtopic.
“Isn’thedreamy?”myfriendasksenthusiasticallyasshejumpsoffmybedwhereshe’sapparentlybeenwaitingforme.
“Inanerdykindofway.”
“Heisnerdy,isn’the?”Shesoundsthoroughlydelighted.
“Didhekissyoutonight?”
Sheshakesherhead.“Notyet,buthewillsoon.IthinkIscarehim.”
“Ibetyoudo.”Skyisintimidatinglygorgeousand,ifStevenisasshyasheseems,I’mwillingtobetthethoughtofmakingamoveonmyfriendhashimshakinginhisboots.
Skyabruptlychangesthesubject.“Ihavebadnews.Serena’scompanycan’tcaterourpartyafterall.Theyjustbookedasit-downdinnerfortwohundred.”
“Whothrowsalast-minutedinnerpartyfortwohundredonValentine’sDay?”Ican’timaginesuchathing.
“Somecelebrity.Serenawon’tknowwhoitisuntilthenightoftheevent.Thewholestaffhadtosignnondisclosureagreements.Ifyouaskme,Ithinksomeoneisthrowingalast-minutewedding.”
“Huh.Iguessweshouldchangethenightofourpartythen.”
“IwastalkingtoJonathan’sstaffafteryoubothtookoff.”
“And?”Iask,wonderingwhatthathastodowithourparty.
“TheysuggestedthatyoutalktoJonathanabouthavingthepartyhere.GerardofferedtodothecateringandMartinandtheGermanssaidthey’dserve.”
“TheGermans?”
“HelgaandGreta,”shesayswithalaugh.“They’reaformidableduo,aren’tthey?”
“Thattheyare.”Ikickoffmyshoesbeforechangingintomypajamas.“I’mnotsureJonathanwouldwantmethrowingapartyhere.”
“Youdon’tknowuntilyouask.”Shehurriestoadd,“Thisreallyistheperfectplaceforit.Martinsaystheyhaveabunchofoutdoorheatersinoneofthegaragesthatwecoulduse.Wecouldkeepeveryoneontheveranda.”
“Whatifpeoplewanttousethebathroom?”
“Martinsaidtheycouldusethepoolhouse.”
“You’veputalotofthoughtintothis,haven’tyou?”
Skysitsbackdownonmybedbeforesaying,“Notreally.ItwasmostlyMartinandGerard.Theyseemedexcitedattheprospectofhavingapartyhere.IgotthefeelingthatJonathandoesn’tentertainalot.”
“Ihavenoideahowtogoaboutaskinghim.”Aftertheweirdexchangewejustshared—theonewhereheboltedwithunflatteringhastejustasIthoughtwemightbedestinedforaliplock—Ican’timagineapproachinghimonthistopic
“Justcallhimonthephoneandask.Ifhesaysno,hesaysno,butwhywouldhe?”
“I’llthinkaboutit,”Itellher,notsureI’lldoanysuchthing.
“Emily,youcan’tdragitout.Weneedtoknowinthenextcoupleofdayssothatwecansendoutourinvitations.”
“Okay,okay.”Ipushheroffmybed.“Ineedtogetsomesleeprightnow,though.IpromiseI’llaskhimsoon.”
“Tomorrow,”shesaysbeforepracticallyskippingintoherownroom.
IfallasleepwonderinghowbesttoapproachJonathanonthetopic.Istarttoplayoutvariousscenariosinmyhead.
Me:Jonathan,Iwanttouseyourhousetobringprospectiveclientstogether.
Jonathan:No.
Me:Whatdoyoumean,no?Whynot?
Jonathan:Idon’twantstrangersinmyhome.
Me:But…
Jonathan:No.
Itryamorecasualapproach.
Me:Hey,Jonathan,wouldyoumindifIhaveafewpeopleover?Ipromisetokeepthemoutofthemainhouse.
Jonathan:Howmanypeople?
Me:Nomorethanahundred.
Jonathan:Ahundredpeople?No.
Inmynextfantasy,I’minexplicablywearinganegligeecircasome1930’sblackandwhitegangsterfilm.
Me:(flippingafeatherboaaroundmyneck)Darling,IwasthinkingImightthrowalittledo.
Jonathan:Youwanttothrowado?
Me:Iwanttohaveaparty.
Jonathan:Here?
Me:Ofcourse,here,yousillyboy.
Jonathan:No.
Itossandturnforages.WhenIfinallyfallasleep,IdreamthatIthrowthepartywithouttellingJonathan.Thousandsofguestsshowupandtheyrefusetostayoutside.
Abunchofthemgofrombedroomtobedroomwheretheyjumponthebedsuntiltheframescollapse.Anothergroupinexplicablydecidestoremodelthehouse.Theystartbypaintingeverythingred.Thenbecausethisdreamwouldn’tbescaryenoughwithoutthem,CirqueduSoleilarrivesandstringsuptightropesbeforeforcingthegueststocrossthematgunpoint.Obviously,therearenonetstocatchanyonewhentheylosetheirbalanceandfalloff.
WhenIfinallywakeup,I’mdeadtiredandfeellikeI’vebeenrunoverbyatruck.IcaneitherdisappointSkyandtellherthatIrefusetoaskJonathan,orIcanaskandriskhimsayingno.
TheonlyproblemwithaskinghimisthatI’veveryrecentlydecided—lastnightintheDepotroom—thatJonathanmightjustbemyknightinshiningarmor,andI’dhatetoriskmyownhappyendingbeforeithasachancetolaunch.ChapterTwenty
Afterrollingoverinbedandlanguorouslystretchingmylimbs,Iglanceattheclockandnearlyscream.It’salreadynine,andI’malwaysupbysix.IcalloutforSky,butwhenshedoesn’tanswer,Iassumeshe’slonggone.
Ihurrytograbmyphoneandcheckmyschedulefortheday.Luckily,Idon’thaveashowinguntiltenthirty.I’mnotveryexcitedaboutitbecauseI’mtakingmyclienttoseeoneoftheavailableapartmentsinAbril’sbuilding.AndwhileIlikeAbril,I’mafraidshedoesn’tlikemerightnowandI’dhatetorunintoherandhavehardfeelingstainttheenergyaroundmyothershowing.
GerardhandsmeacoffeecupasIwalkintothekitchen.“Ihearwe’rehavingaparty,”hesays.
“NotunlessJonathangivesusthego-ahead,andIcan’tseethathappening.”
“Mmmm.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Flippingapancakehighintotheairandcatchingitwithhisskillet,hereplies,“Nothing.”
“That‘Mmmm’wasrifewithinnuendo,Gerard.Nowspillit.Whatdoesitmean?”
“Ithinkhe’llletyoudoit.”Inresponsetomyquirkedeyebrow,headds,“Mr.Silverwalkedintohishouselastnighttofindhishouseguests,staff,andbrotheralllyingontheentrywayflooranddidn’tchastiseanyone.Icouldhaveneverimaginedsuchascenebeforeyoucamealong.”
“Probablybecausehedoesn’tletpeopleintohishouse.”
“Hehaspeopleover,justnotlargegroupsofthem.AndinthefiveyearsI’vebeenhere,notoncethatIknowof,didanyofthemlieonthefloor.”
MybrainconjuresthesceneofmeandJonathanunderhistrainsetupandheatimmediatelyrushestomyface.“Gerard,haveyoueverbeenuptoTheDepot?”
“Ah,yes,theplayroom.Ofcourse,I’vebeenupthere.Mr.Silvertakeshissuppertherequiteoften.”Iinwardlychuckleathiscallingitaplayroom.IfyouusedthatterminmostHollywoodcircles,peoplewouldassumeitwassomekindofkinkysetupàlaFiftyShadesofGrey,notanactualroomfulloftoysthatanylittleboywoulddreamof.
“Whatifhesaysno?”Iask.
“Invitehimtocomeandtellhimthatyouthinkhisperfectmatchmightshowup.”
“Ah,soyouknowwhyI’mhereandJonathanisatmyhouse.”Ihadwonderedwhattheyallthoughtwasgoingon.
“Ofcourse,Iknow.Itwasmyideathathecallyou.”
“Youridea?Wheredidyouhearaboutme?”Idemand.
“OneofyourclientsmarriedmysisterJane.”BeforeIcanaskwhichclient,hetellsme.“HarrisonStuart.”
“YoursisterwasthecleaningladyforHarry’sneighbor!”Iannounceexcitedly.
“That’sright.HarrytoldusallaboutyouandIpassedyourinformationontoMr.Silver.”
“Iwouldhavepaidafortunetohavebeenaflyonthewallduringthatdiscussion,”Itellhim.“Howdidyougoaboutit?”
“ItoldMr.Silvermysistermetherhusbandthroughapsychicrealtor.ThenIhandedhimyourphonenumber.”
“Whatdidhesaytothat?”
Gerardputsthreepancakesonaplatealongwithtwopiecesofbaconbeforehandingittome.“Hesaid,‘Thankyou.’”
“That’sit?Thankyou?”Idon’thavetimetoeatbutthepancakeslooktooyummytopassup,soIsitdownatthekitchenislandandpreparetomakequickworkofthem.
“That’sit.Notaweekaftergivinghimyournumber,youmovedin.”
Afterchewingandswallowingmyfirstbiteofheaven,Iask,“HowisitthatyoudecidedJonathanneededmyhelp?”
“Let’sjustsayhespendsalotoftimeintheDepotroom,alone.Herarelyhasladyfriendsovertothehouse,andheworkstoomuch.It’shumannatureforhimtoneedapartnertosharehislifewith.”
Isuddenlygetsidetracked.“Doyouhavesomeonespecialinyourlife?”Iask.
“Notyet.”
“Areyoulooking?”
“I’mveryopentotheidea,Ijusthaven’thadthegoodfortuneoffindingmypersonyet.”
“MaybeIshouldlookforahouseforyou,too.”Howexciting!
“WhileIwouldlovethat,I’minnopositiontobuyahouseonmyown.Maybeaftermyscreenplaygetssold,”hesayshopefully.
Ithinkforaminutebeforeanswering,“I’veneverworkedwithrentalclientsbefore,butIassumeitwouldworkthesamewayasitdoesforpeoplewhoarebuying.Doyouwantmetogiveitago?”
Gerardpoursmorebatteronthehotgriddlebeforeanswering,“Youcould,butI’vebeenlivinghereintheapartmentoverthegaragetosavemoney.I’mnotsureIwanttothrowthousandsofdollarsamonthdownthedraininrent.”
“Fairenough,butI’mstillgoingtolookatthelistingsjusttoseeifanythingpopsupforyou.Areanyoftheotherstaffmarried?”Idon’trecallseeingringsonfingers,butthatdoesn’tmeananything.
“MartinisawidowerandGretaandHelgaarebothsingle.”
“Interesting…”Idon’tfinishmythought.I’mtoobusywonderingifIcouldsetupJonathan’swholehousehold.
“Beforeyougetanyideasaboutus,takecareofMr.Silver,”Gerardsays.“He’sthemostinneedoflove.”
I’mnotsurehowGerardcomesuponthatthought.Allpeopleneedlove.Maybedespitetheerawelivein,hestillhassomeDowntonAbbeysensibilitiesgoingon.“I’lltakecareofJonathanfirst,”Iassurehim,“butthatdoesn’tmeanIcan’tstartplottingfortherestofyou.”
“Accordingtothestaffcalendar,Mr.SilverishavinglunchwithMr.Foxtoday.He’salwaysingreatspiritsafterthat.Whydon’tyouplanoncallinghimaroundtwoo’clocktoaskhimaboutthepartythen?”
“ThestaffhasaccesstoJonathan’scalendar?”Iwonderifthat’snormal.Also,Atlas,yum!
“Hehasaseparateonlinecalendarforusincasehedecidestobringpeoplehome.It’seasierthancallinguseverytimesomethingcomesup.”
Idon’tknowhowharditcouldpossiblybeforJonathantotalktohisstaff,butwhatever.Gerardclicksawayonhiscomputerandshowsmethescreenofactivitiesforthismonth.Hepointstotodayandsays,“Ohmy,Mr.Silver’slunchhasmovedfromtheIvytohere!I’dbettergetplanningsomething.”
“Here?”You’dthinkthatwasinformationhe’dtellme.Afterall,it’smyhomenow,too.Although,thehouseislargeenoughforfourfamiliestooccupyandneverrunintoeachother.“Ihaveashowingattenthirty,”ItellGerard.“MaybeI’llstophomeafterwardandaskJonathanwhileJustinisstillhere.Hemighthaveahardtimesayingnoinfrontofhisfriend.”
Gerardlooksnervous.“Pleasedon’ttellhimthatIsharedhisschedule.I’veactuallysignedconfidentialityagreementssayingthatIwoulddonosuchathing.”
“Worrynot,myfriend.I’mlikeadoctor.Everythingyousaytomegoesstraightintothevault.”Imakeamotionasthoughlockingmylips.
Gerardbreathesanaudiblesighofreliefbeforenoddinghisheadonceandgettingbusywithtoday’slunchpreparations.IshoveldowntherestofmybreakfastbeforegrabbingmypurseandheadingovertoAbril’sbuilding.
I’dratheraskJonathanifIcouldhostayogaseminarfornudistsinhislivingroomthanrunintoAbrilagain.It’sabigbuildingthough,somychancesofavoidingheraregood.ChapterTwenty-One
TonyGreerisalovelyman.Imethimthroughanotherclient,Jacques,whoassuresmethatTonywantslove,buthedoesn’tthinkhe’sreadyforit.Tonywaswidowedyoungaboutfiveyearsago—Iwouldguesshe’sinhislatethirtiesorearlyforties—andhassettledintoasolitarylife.Hence,mynewclientisundertheimpressionthatI’magreatrealtorandnothingmore.
“Tony,”IcalloutwhenIwalkintotheCenturyCathedralbuilding.Myclientisprobablyfive-feet-teninchestall.He’shandsomeinanunderstatedway.Hecouldbearealstunnerifhestoodtallerandcarriedhimselfwithmoreconfidence.Asitis,hehasahangdogqualityabouthim,whichIknowissadness,butothersmightassumeisshynessorawkwardness.
“Emily,”TonyleansslightlytokissmycheekassoonasIgettohim.“I’msurprisedyouwanttoshowmesomethinghere.Iwasthinkingmoreofahouse.Idon’tlikehavingalotofpeoplearound.”
Ishrug.“Ithoughtitwouldbenicetohaveaframeofreferencewhenitcomestochoosingwhereyouwanttobuy.”
Henodshisheadamiablyandresponds,“Iguess.”It’sgoingtobeharddoingwhatIdowithoutmyclientknowingwhatthatis.ButJacqueassuresmethatTonywillrunforthehillsifhethinkssomeoneistryingtogethimtomoveon.
Assoonaswegettotheelevator,andthedoorsopen,IknowwithoutashadowofadoubtthatthisisthebuildingwhereTonyismeanttolive.AbrightlightsurroundshimthatissoblindingI’mtemptedtoputmysunglasseson.
Totallydistractedbythedisplayofcolorsradiatingoffofhim,Ihitthebuttonforthesixthfloortoolate.Theelevatorpassesourdestinationandkeepsrising.Whenitfinallystopsandthedoorsopenagain,Abrilwalksin.ThecolordisplaythatencompassesbothherandTonyislikewatchingfireworksfromwaytooclose.It’spositivelyblinding.Whydidn’tIrealizeAbrilwastheoneforTonywhenIranintohertheotherday?
Abrilpullsupshortwhensheseesme,buthereyesquicklymoveovertomycompanion.Whentheycomebacktome,shesays,“Emily.”
“Abril,”Isayliketherewasneveraharshwordbetweenus.“I’dlikeyoutomeetTonyGreer.I’mshowinghimtheplaceonthesixthfloor.”
TonylooksmildlystunnedashereachestoshakeAbril’shand.“Doyouliveinthebuilding?”
“Ido,”sherepliessomewhatbreathlessly.
“Abrilisoneofmyclients.She’slookingforanicefamilyhome,”Iinterrupt.
“Oh,youhaveafamily.”Tonysoundsdisappointed.
“Notyet,”Abrilassureshim.“Iamallalonefornow,butIhavedecideditistimetogetbusyandrectifythatsituation.”Sheglancesatmeexcitedly.Iusuallyonlygettoseemyloveconnectionsafterthecouplehasfallenforeachother.Seeingonebeforeit’sformedisdownrightexciting.
Whentheelevatorstopsonsix,Isay,“Iknowhowbusyyouare,Abril,butIwaswonderingifyou’dmindseeingthecondowithus?ThatwayTonycouldaskyouaboutthebuildingandtheneighborhood.”
“Iwouldbedelighted.”Idon’tthinkAbrilandIarefightinganymore.
SheholdsoutherarmtoTonyandsays,“Wehavethebestcoffeeshopinthelobby.TheygetalloftheirpastriesfromSunshineSweetsinBeverlyHills.”
“So,youlikelivinginthisbuilding?”TonysoundsonlymildlyuncomfortablebyAbril’soutgoingmanner.
“Iadoreit!”shegushes.“MyparentsownthecondoIamlivingin,andtheywanttosellit,butI’mlookingtostayhereinthebuilding.”Sheflashesmeasmilethatisbothenthusiasticandapologetic.Meanwhile,I’mthinkingherparents?Somuchformyassumptionshewasinafailingromance.Itsoundsmorelikeafamilysquabble.
IdecidenowistheperfecttimetoinvitebothofmyclientstoSky’sandmyparty.“WhileIhaveyoubothhere,Iwaswonderingifyou’dliketocometoapartyI’mthrowingonValentine’sDay,intheevening.”
“Whywouldyouthrowapartythen?Surelyeveryonewillbeotherwiseengaged,”Tonysays.
Abrillooksbetweenus,butwiselydoesn’tsayanythingaboutwhatIdo.Instead,shedeclares,“Iwouldlovetocome.Justtextmethedetails.”
“Whataboutyou,Tony?”Iasktryingtokeeptheexcitementoutofmyvoice.Idon’twanttoscarethemanaway.
“I…Iguess,”hestammers.“I’mnotreallyapartyperson…”
“Ithinkweoweittoourselvestohavealittlefun,”Abriltellshim.“Plus,atleastwewillknoweachother,soitwon’tbelikegoingtoapartyfullofstrangers.”
IsthatablushcreepingacrossTony’sface?“Isupposeyou’reright,”hetellsherbeforeturninghisfocustome.“I’llbethere.”
“Excellent!”NowallIhavetodoisgetJonathantookaytheuseofhishouse,becausewe’llneverfindapublicspaceonsuchshortnotice.Nopressure.
Overall,Tonylikestheunitonthesixthfloor,buthehassomeconcerns.“Theviewisnice,butI’dlovetoseeacondohigherupforcomparison.”
“Iwilltakeyouuptoseemyplace,”AbriloffersbeforeIcansuggestit.
“Idon’twanttoimpose,”Tonysays.
“Nonsense.MyparentswouldbethrilledifIfoundthebuyerfortheirinvestmentproperty.”
“Well,ifit’snotaproblem,then.”TonylookshappierthanI’veyetseenhim.
“Whydon’tyoutwogoonupandI’llmeetyouthereinafewminutes,”Isuggest.“Ineedtomakeaquickcall.”Iwanttogivethemsometimealone.
Tonydoesn’thaveachancetorespondbecauseAbrilgrabshisarmandpullshimtowardthedoor.“Takeyourtime,”shesays.“Heisingoodhands.”
Flashinganervousgrin,Tonyasks,“Youknowwheretofindme?”
“I’llbeupintenminutes,”Iassurehim.
Oncetheyleave,IplopdownonthecouchandpulloutmyphonetotextSky.
Me:I’mgoingtoaskJonathantodayifwecanusehisplaceforourparty.
Sky:Stevensaysnottolethimsayno.
Me:Um,okay.Shortofgagginghimandtyinghimup,I’mnotsurehowtodothat.
Sky:Doyouwantmetobetherewhenyouask?Hemighthaveahardertimesayingnotobothofus.
Me:No,I’vegotit.Thatwayifhedoessayno,youcanuseyourwilesonhimandaskagain.
Sky:Mywiles?
Me:Youknow,yourboobs.Youcouldwearsomethingtightandstickyourchestout,sohe’sblindedlongenoughtoagreetoanything.
Sky:Firstofall,IamnotgoingtousemyboobsonJonathan.IlikeSteven.Second,I’msuresomeoneinhisbusinessisimmunetothepowerofmywiles,asyoucallthem.
Me:Ididn’tmeantooffendyou.It’sjustthatsometimesIfeelinvisibleinthistownwithmyskimpyB-cup.
Sky:Ithinkit’sgreatthatyouloveyourselfenoughtobeyourself.It’stherestofusIworryabout.Wespendsomuchtimeprimpingandpreening,Ithinkwe’velostthethreadofwhat’sreallyimportant.
Me:Notyou,myfriend.You’reluckyenoughtobegroundedandgorgeous.You’vegotitmade.
Sky:Thegrassisalwaysgreener,Em.AllIwantisaniceguywhowilllovemenomatterwhatIlooklike.CanyouimaginetheshockifIfindaguynowandthendecidetogonatural?He’dfreak.
Me:WouldStevenfreak?
Sky:Idon’tthinkso.Ithinkhe’stherealdeal.
Me:Wellthen,there’snothingtoworryabout,isthere?
Sky:Iguessnot.(smileyemoji)
Me:I’llseeyouathometonight.Willyoubethereforsupper?
Sky:Steveniscookingformeathisplace.Hopefullyyou’llalreadybeinbedwhenIgetback.
Me:Ifthat’sso,wakemeupandtellmeeverything!
Sky:Whoops,gottago.Lucyissniffingaroundyourdesk.I’mgoingtogosmackherhands.
Me:Don’tworryifyoumissandslapherface.
IcontinuetositonthecouchforanothertenminutestogiveAbrilandTonymoretimetogether.BythetimeIgettoAbril’sapartment,myphonepingswithanincomingtext.It’sfromTony.
Tony:AbrilandIwentforcoffee.I’llcallyoulaterthisafternoon.
IlookatmywatchandrealizeIhaveplentyoftimetogethomeforlunch,soIdecidetomakeaquickstopfirst.ChapterTwenty-Two
AtSidecarDonutsonWilshireBoulevard,Ipickupmyall-timefavoritehuckleberryandold-fashioneddonuts.Atthelastsecond,Iorderacoupleapplefritters,too.It’snotthatI’mtryingtobribeJonathanwithdonuts,I’mjusthopingthey’llputhiminahappierframeofmindtosayyestoushavingashindigathishouse.
AssoonasIpulluphisridiculouslylongdriveway,IseeJonathan’scarandanunknownSUVparkedoutfront.Grabbingmygoodies,Iheadin.“Honey,I’mhome!”IcalloutassoonasIwalkthroughthedoor.
“Whoareyoutalkingto?”comestheimmediateresponse.Itsoundslikeit’scomingfromsomedistance,soIhavenoideawheretohead.
“You,”Ihollerback.“Isawyourcarinthedriveway.Whyareyouhere?Also,whereareyou?”
“I’minthediningroom.Takethesecondleftandthefirstright,”heinstructs.
IquicklycheckmyreflectionintheentrywaymirrortomakesuretherearenolingeringcrumbsfromthetwodonutsIateonthewayhere.OnceI’msureIlookrespectable,Ifollowhisdirections.
Jonathan’sdiningroomcouldseattwentywitheasewhichmakesitkindoffunnytoseehimandJustinFoxatthefarendofthetableallbythemselves.“Thislooksveryromantic,”Ijoke.
Justinstandsandlaughs.“AshotasJonathanis,mywifemighthaveathingortwotosayaboutusdating.”
Jonathaninexplicablydecidestoannounce,“I’msureEmilyisdevastatedtofindoutthatyou’remarried.”
InresponsetoJustin’squestioninglook,Isaytohim,“Itoldyou,Atlasismycrush,notJustin.”
“Howcanonebeacrushandnottheother,”hewantstoknow.
IturntoJonathan’slunchguestandsay,“WhileI’msureyou’reagreatguy,you’renoGreekgod,amIright?”
“Correct,”heanswerswithaglintinhiseye.
IturntoJonathan.“It’stheGreekgodthingthatsellsitforme,butIalreadytoldyouthat.”
“Whatareyoudoingherethistimeofday?”Jonathanwantstoknow.“Don’tyouhaveajob?”
“YouknowfullwellthatIhaveajob,butI’mworkingfromhometoday.”
“Wait,youlivehere?”Justinasks.“IthoughtthiswasJonathan’shouseandhewasrentingyourtownhousebecausehewashavingworkdone.”ThentoJonathanhesays,“Yet,asfarasIcantelleverythinglookslikeitalwayshas.”
Ifeeltheneedtoadd,“Yes,Jonathan,whyisthat?”
Heglaresatmebeforeturningtohisfriend,“EmilyandIhavetemporarilyswitchedhouses.”
“Because…”Justinprompts.
“Oh,fortheloveofGod,”Jonathanprefacesbeforeexplaining,“Emilyhasareputationforbeingsomethingofapsychicrealtor.Shefindstheperfecthousesforpeoplewhowanttofindalovematch.Forsomereason,shefeltthatIneededtobeatherplaceforthattohappen.”
“Andsheneededtobehere?”
“Ididn’twanttodisplaceher,soIgraciouslyagreedtoletherlivelikeaqueenherewhileIholeupinherplace.”
“Yet,youdon’tseemtobedoingsuchagreatjobstayinginmyhouse,doyou?”HowdarehemakeitsoundlikeIliveinahovel?
“It’stiny!”heyellsatme.
“I’mgoingtobringGeorgeoverhereifyoudon’tspendmoretimewithhim.”
“Who’sGeorge?”Justinwantstoknow,wearinganamusedexpression,clearlyenjoyingwatchingJonathanandmesquabble.
“Hercat,”Jonathanspits.Thentome,hedemands,“Didyoucomehomejusttofightwithme?”
“Ihadnoideayou’dbehere,”Ilie.“ButnowthatIhaveyou,Ineedtoaskyouaquestion.”ThisisSOnottherighttimetoaskhim,ashe’sinthemiddleofameeting,butasI’malmostsurehe’sgoingtosaynoanyway,Idecidetogetitoverwith.“Iwanttohaveapartyhere.”
“Absolutelynot,”hesaysbeforeIcanexplain.
“Why?”
“It’snotyourhouse.”
“Itiswhileshe’sstayinghere,”Justinintercedesonmybehalf.
Jonathanlooksathisfriendwithannoyance,whileIhurrytoexplain,“IwanttohaveaValentine’sDaypartyformysingleclients.Youcouldcome,too.”
“Ithoughtyoursingleclientshadtobuyhousestofindlove.Areyousuggestingthatisn’tthecaseandtheymightmeetataparty?Becauseifthat’sso,I’mmovinghometoday.”
“Idon’tknowifitwillwork,butIthoughtI’dtryit.Infact,justthismorning,Iwatchedromancebloombetweentwoofmyclients.”
“So,you’rethecommondenominator,notthehouses?”
Ishrug.“Again,Idon’tknow.ButI’mguessingifyoufindlovebecauseofme,youwon’tcarehowitcomesabout.”
“Yes,butIcouldbeathomelivinginthelapofluxuryinsteadofatyourplace.”Whatagrouch.
“AmItheonlyonewhoseeswhat’sgoingonhere?”Justinwantstoknow.
“Ifyou’resuggestingthatJonathanandIaredestinedtobeanitem,you’rewrong,”Isay.
“Why?”Justinasks.“Areyoualreadytaken?”
“No,butJonathanisn’tthekindofguyIseemyselfwith.”
“Whynot?”Jonathandemands.“NotthatI’minterested,”heseemstofeeltheneedtoadd.
“Whyareyoubeingsosnippy?Youdon’tevenlikeme!”Ipracticallyyell.
“Ilikeyoujustfine,”hesays.“Now,tellmeandJustinwhatkindofmanyouenvisionyourselfwith.We’redyingtoknow.”
“Fine.”IslamthedonutsonthetableinahuffbeforesittingdownacrossfromthemostfamousmoviestarI’veevermet.“I’mlookingforanice,normalguy.Onewho’shomeontheweekends,whowillgocampingwithme,andbringmePop-Tartsinbed.”
JustinlooksatJonathanandsays,“Thatdoesn’tsoundlikeyou.”
Jonathanshrugs.“Ifthat’shercriteria,thenno,that’snotme.Ihaven’teatenaPop-TartsinceIwasakid,andwithGerard’sexcellentpastriesaround,Idon’texpectI’lleverwantanother.”
“Ithinkwhatshe’ssayingisthatshewantsamanwhowillbearound.I’mguessingthePop-Tartthingisn’tthebiggestpartoftheequation.”Justinlooksatme.“AmIright?”
“Iguess,”Isay,suddenlyfeelingawkward.Justlastnight,IwasthinkingtheremightbesomethingbetweenJonathanandme,butheboltedbeforeanythingcouldhappen.That,andhisdemeanortoday,clearlysuggestheisn’tinterestedinme.Andnowhe’sactingallbutthurtthatIdon’tthinkhe’stheoneforme.Whatintheheckisgoingonhere?
Justinsays,“Ithinkyoushouldletherhavetheparty,Jonathan,andIthinkyoushouldgotoit.”
“Idon’twantstrangerstrampingthroughmyhouse.”
“Wecanhaveitoutdoorsandtheguestscanusethepoolhousebathroom,”Isay,hopingtoshootdownhisconcerns.
“IfIsayyes,”Jonathanasks,“willyouleavesoJustinandIcancontinueourmeeting?”
“Gladly,”Ipracticallyshout.
“Fine.Thenyes,haveaparty,butnopeopleinmyhouse.Andyouhavetohireavaletsothatyourguestswon’tdriveoverthegarden.”
IrollmyeyesandtellJustin,“TheguyI’mgoingtofallinlovewithwilllikehavingpeopleoverandhewon’tobsessoveratiretrackonhislawn.”Idon’twaitforeitherofthemtoanswerbutIhearJustinlaughingasIwalkoutoftheroom.ChapterTwenty-Three
Me:HesaidYES!!!
Sky:Hurray!
Me:Makemealistoffooditemsyouthinkweshouldserve,andI’lltalktoGerard.
Sky:Idon’tcareaboutthefood.IsayweletGerardmakewhateverhewants.Youknow,withinreason.Weshouldhaveasignaturedrinktho.LikeSexontheBeachoraSlipperyNipple.
Me:Yuck,no.Thisisaclassyaffair.Let’sdochampagnecocktailsorsomething.
Sky:Iguess,butIwantagirlydrink,too.Wecouldnameitwhateverwewant.
Me:HowaboutTheLoveAffairorHappilyEverAfter?
Sky:Nice.Hey,Lucysaidtotellyouthatshe’shavinglunchwithJonathantomorrowandthatshe’sgoingtostealhimawayfromyou.Doyouthinkhe’sreallyhavinglunchwithher?
Me:There’sonlyonewaytofindout.I’llaskhim.Inthemeantime,youcantellLucytopoundsand.YoumightalsomentionthatI’mnotthreatenedbyher.Icouldbeatherinastreetfightwithbothhandstiedbehindmybackwhilewearingheels.
Sky:Webothknowthat’salie.Imean,youinheels???????HowaboutIjustwishherluckonyourbehalf?
Me:Howaboutifyoutripher?
Sky:Done.Oh,andFrederichasbeenhoundingmetotellyoutoshowJonathanthosehousesbeforehefiresyou.
Me:Psh.Whatever.Freddiewillneverfireme.Imakehimtoomuchmoney.
Sky:Whoops,myclientjustwalkedin.Talktoyoulater.
InsteadofgoingintothekitchentotalktoGerardaboutourparty,ImarchbackintothediningroomtotalktoJonathan.It’slikeIhavenoboundariesaroundtheguy.NotonlydoIfoistmypartyonhimataninappropriatetime,butnowI’monmywaytopickafightwithhim.
“Whatnow?”Hesoundsannoyedwhenheseesme.
“Whoareyouhavinglunchwithtomorrow?”
“Howisthatanyofyourbusiness?”heretaliates.
“AmI,oramInot,yourlovedoctor?”Iblushassoonasthewordscomeoutofmymouth.“Imeanyourrealtor.”
Jonathanlaughsseemingly,despitehimself.Hepullsouthisphonetolookathiscalendarandsays,“I’mnothavinglunchwithanyonetomorrow.”
“Wanttohavelunchwithme?”Iask.“ButonlysoIcantakeyoutothislittleplacenearmyhouse.Whoknows,maybetheloveofyourlifeisoneofthemanybeautifulwaitressesthatworkthere.”
“Wheredoyoulive?”Justinasks.
“OffofBurtonWay,”Itellhim.
“AreyoubyanychancetalkingaboutCharmeuse?”WhenInodmyhead,hetellsJonathan,“Gettheirclubsandwich.It’sthebestI’veeverhad.”
“I’vegotabusydaytomorrowatthestudio,”Jonathantellsme.“Butifyouwanttostopoffandgetacoupleofthosesandwichesfortake-out,wecaneatinmyoffice.”
“Howisthatgoingtogetyoutoseeifoneofthewaitressesistheloveofyourlife?”Iwanttoknow.
“It’snot,butitisgoingtogetmeafabuloussandwichdeliveredintimeforlunch.”
Jonathancouldhaveanynumberofpeopledeliverlunchforhim,butIhaveanidea.“MaybeI’llgetahaloaroundtherightwomanifIseeher,”Isuggest
“Halo?”Justinasks.
“Shegetstheseaurasaroundpeopleandplaces.It’spartofhercharm.”Therollingofhiseyesunderscoresanyunintentionalcomplimentgiven.
“Cool,”Justinsaysbeforeasking,“DoIhaveahalo?”
Isquintmyeyesslightlyandlookatthetopofhisheadbeforelettingmyvisionblur.“Youhaveaniceyellowaura.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Itmeansyou’rehappy.Iassumethatmeansyou’rehappilymarriedandmostlikelyinthehomethatwillhelpfacilitatethecontinuationofsuchastate.”
“Whatcolorismyaura?”Jonathandemands.
Iturntolookathimbeforeanswering,“Ugh.Brown.”
“Whatdoesbrownmean?”Hesoundsborderlineoffended,likehishalocolorhasanythingtodowithme.
“Itmeansyourlifeisuncertain.Whichmakessenseifyouthinkaboutit.Yourlovelifeiscertainlyawildcard.”
JustinlaughsbeforetellingJonathan,“Myhaloisprettierthanyours.”Jonathanthrowsarollathim.
“I’mgoingtostartplanningourpartynow,”Itellthem.AsIscurryoutoftheroom,Ihearamuffledwhisperandthenlaughter.Gah,Jonathanmakesmecrazy.
IdecidetotakemylaptopuptotheDepotroomandworkinJonathan’sfortunderhistrainset.SkyisgoodwithleavingthemenuuptoGerard,butI’dliketohavehimmakeacouplethingsthatIlove,likethoseminicocktailweenieswiththesaucemadefromketchupandgrapejam.It’sthegrossestsoundingcombination,butit’swickedlydelicious.
KnowingthatI’vebeenforbiddensoloentrance,ItakeparticularpleasureventuringintoJonathan’sinnersanctum.Iturnonthelightsbeforecrawlingunderthetraintable.It’ssosnugandsecureunderhere,Idecidetoliedown.ThenIcovermyselfwithaplushthrow.ThenIfallasleep.
Somuchforplanningmyparty
IhavenoideahowlongIsleep;IjustknowthatwhenIwakeupthere’sastringofdroolrunningdownmychin.Classy.TherearealsotrainnoisesindicatingI’mnotinthisroomalone.
Peekingunderthetabledrape,IseewhatIsuspectareJonathan’sfeetwalkingaround.Ihaveconfirmationthatit’shimwhenIhearhimmumble,“Ihavegottogetthisskiliftfixed.”There’saskiliftinhistrainsetup?HowdidImissthat?
IquicklyopenmycomputerandseethatanhourhaselapsedsinceIcameuphere.Jonathan’shouseappearstohavequitethesedativeeffectonme.Iwasn’teventired,havingoversleptthismorningandall.
IopenanewdocumentandfinallydowhatIcameupheretodo.Istartwithalist.
Decideonthemenu
Orderflowers
Orderchampagne
Hireservers
Findavalet
I’mabouttostartworkingonthemenu,whenJonathanturnsoffthetrainandasks,“Didyouhaveanicenap?”
“Oh,hey,yeah,”IreplyatalossastohowtoexplainwhyI’vebeensleepingintheroomI’vebeenforbiddenentranceinto.ThenIask,“HowdidyouknowIwashere?”Imeanthere’snowayhecouldhaveheardmeoverthetrainnoisesunlesshe’spartwaxmoth—theyhavewickedlygoodhearing,whichIknowthankstoanepisodeofNaturethatSkymademewatch.
“Icameuphereafterlunchinhopesoftakingalittlesiestaofmyown,onlytodiscovermyfavoritespotalreadytaken.”Heliftsthedrapeandcrawlsunderneath.
“I’msorry.”Idon’tknowwhatelsetosayasI’mclearlyinthewronghere.
“Whyareyouhere?”Hedoesn’tcomerightoutandmentionhisdirectordersforbiddingmetocomeintohisplayroomwithouthim.
“IwantedtoplanmypartyandIthoughtthiswouldbetheperfectplacetodothat.It’sliketheideallittlethinkingnest.”
“Itis,”hetellsme.“Ispendalotoftimeuphere.”
“You’dthinkyou’dlikebeingatmyhousethen.Imean,thewholeplaceislikeasnuglittlethinkingnest.”
“Youdon’thaveatrain.”
“No,Idon’t.”
“Scootover,”Jonathansays.Holyheck,ishegoingtoliedownnexttome?Mypalmsstarttosweataszingsofexcitementshootthroughtomyextremities.
“Areyougoingtotakeanap?”Myvoicesoundsbreathless.
“I’mgoingtothink.”
Hurryingtoclosemycomputer,Isitupandannounce,“I’llgetoutofyourhairthen.Andagain,I’msorryIgotinyourway.”
“You’renotsorryyoucameuphere?”Itsoundslikehe’slaughingatme.
“No,butIamsorryIgotcaught.”Thetruthis,IplanoncomingherealotwhileI’mstayinginJonathan’shouse.
“Youdon’thavetogo,”hesaysquietly.
“Youwantmetostay?”
Hedoesn’tanswermyquestiondirectly.“There’senoughroomunderhereforusbothtothink.”
“Whatareyouheretothinkabout?”Myvoiceisnolouderthanawhisper.
“Mylovelife.”
Thosedarnzingsaregettingstronger.“Whataboutyourlovelife?”Ihurrytoclarify,“I’maskingasyourrealtor.”
“Notasmylovedoctor?”hechuckles.“IwasthinkingthatmaybethepersonI’mmeanttobewithisdifferentthanIthoughtshe’dbe.”
“Whatdidyouthinkshe’dbe?”
“Easytogetalongwith.Now,ifyoudon’tmind,IneedyoutoquietdownsoIcancontemplatemydilemma.”
“It’sadilemma,huh?”Somuchformequietingdown.
Jonathandoesn’tanswer.Instead,heliesanarm’slengthfromme,radiatingallhismanlyenergy.WhileIhadcomeupheretoplanaparty,I’mnolongerabletodothat.Allofmyfocusisbacktowonderingifsomethingismeanttohappenbetweenus.IsJonathanSilvermysoulmate?Andifso,whydon’tIseeourenergiescombining?ChapterTwenty-Four
Iamnevergoingtobeabletofallasleeptonight.AfterJonathanjoinedmeinhistrainfort,Idozedoffagain.WhenIwokeup,hewasgone.
Sittingatthekitchencounter,IaskGerard,“HaveyouevertakenanapintheDepotroom?”
HelooksatmelikeI’velostmymind.“I’mprettysureMr.Silverwouldfrownonhisstaffsleepinginhisplayroom.”
“You’vegottotryit,”Itellhim.“Seriously,I’llkeepwatch,soyoudon’tgetfoundout.”
Heshakeshishead.“Ineedthisjob,soI’mgoingtohavetopass.”
Martinwalksinandsitsdownnexttome.“Notmuchbutleringtodowithonlymehere,huh?”
Heshakeshisheadbeforeoffering,“Icouldironyourclothesforyou,ifyou’dlike.”
“Idon’twearclothesthatrequireironing.”
Lookingmeupanddown,andnodoubtfindingmychoiceofoutfitalittlewanting,hesuggests,“Icouldshineyourshoes.”
“Thisjobmustboreyoutodeath,Martin.”ThenIlookatGerardandsay,“Itmustboreyoualltodeath.”
Martinshrugs.“It’sagoodjobanditpayswell,sowhoarewetocomplain?”
Mytwonewfriendssharealookwhichseemstoinvolveatelepathicquestionandanswersession,beforeMartinstandsupandannounces,“Followme.”
“Wherearewegoing?”
“Tomyoffice,”hesays.
“Youhaveanoffice?”
“Everyhouseholdmanager/butlerinBeverlyHillshasanoffice.Ineedmyownphone,desk,andfilingsystemtokeepeverythinginorderaroundhere.”Heleadsthewayaroundtheislandandstopsinfrontofalargecabinetdoor.
“Yourofficeisinacabinet?”Iask,somewhatastonished.Gerardlaughsinthebackground.
“Yes,”Martinanswersbeforeopeningthedoor.“Followme,”hesays.
“Martin,I’mnotsureyou’llfitinthatcabinet,yetalonebothofus.”Whatintheworldisgoingonhere?AsIthinkthat,IwatchMartinfullydisappear.
“Goon,”Gerardsays.“Unlessyouwantmetogofirst.”
“Youthinkthreeofuscanfitinthere?”
Thesmileonhisfaceindicateshowmuchhe’senjoyingthis.GerardwalksaroundtheislandtowardthesamedoorMartinjustdisappearedthrough,allthewhilesaying,“Wecouldfitmorethantwentypeopleinthereifwewantedto.”Thenhedisappears,aswell.
Clearly,there’sahiddenroom.Ifollowexcitedlybehindthetwomenonlytodiscoversomuchmorethanaroom.There’sastaircase.IproceedcautiouslylikeI’mclimbingthroughthemouthofanunknownbeast,butsoonfindoutthereisnoreasontoworry.
Atthebottomofthestairsisalargefamilyroomkindofsetup.Therearetwocouches,ottomans,andsidetablesallontopofasuperplushcream-coloredcarpet.“Thisisyouroffice?”Iaskinshock.
Martinpointstoadeskinthecorner.“That’smyoffice.Therestofthespaceisforthestaffwhilewe’rewaitingforsomethingtodo.”
Gerardannounces,“I’vebinge-watchedeveryepisodeofDr.Whothisyear.”
“NotthatI’mnotthrilledyouguyshavesuchgreatemployment,butwhydoesJonathanhavesomuchstaffifhedoesn’tneedyou?”
AlookofconcerncrossesMartin’sfeatures.“Hedoesneedus,justnotasmuchashewillwhenhehasawifeandkids.”
“Ican’twaituntilwethrowproperdinnerpartieshere,”Gerardadds.
“GretaandHelgawillbegreatwithkidsandheavenknowsthey’llhavetheirhandsfullcleaningupafterthem.”
“Youmakeitsoundlikeadreamhomeforafamily,”Isaywistfully.
“Morethananything,wewanttomakethistheperfectfamilyhomeandbeapartofnurturingthefamilythatliveshere,”Martinsays.
“Well,shoot,Iwantyoutobemyfamily,”Itellthem.“Ofcourse,Ibringparentsandasisterwithme,butthere’senoughroomforallofushere.”WhenIseethelookofexcitementcrosstheirfaces,Ihurrytoexplain,“Youknow,ifIwinthelotteryandcanconvinceJonathantosellmehishouse.”
“There’sanotherway,”Gerardsuggestswithclearmischiefinhiseyes.
Ihurrytodissuadehimofanyideashemightbehaving.“I’mheresothatJonathancanfindloveinmyneighborhood,notwithme.”
“Whynotwithyou?”Martinwantstoknow.
“Becauseifheweremeanttofindlovewithme,I’dknow.”
“How?”Gerardasks.“Isthatpartofyourtalent,thatyouknowwhenyoufindsomeoneyou’remeanttobewith?”
“Clearlynot,”Ireplywithadegreeoffrustrationatthisconversation.“I’msingleandhaven’tbeenpartofacoupleinaverylongtime.Mygiftseemstoworkforeveryonebutme.”
“ThenhowdoyouknowMr.Silverisn’tthemanforyou?”Gerardpersists.
Iignorehisquestionandwalkaroundtheroom.“Howbigisthattelevisionscreen?”Iask.
“Justundersevenfeet,”Martinanswers.“WhichisaboutsixfeettoobigwhenHelgaandGretaaredownherewatchingOutlander.Myword,thatshowispracticallypornographic.”
Hismortificationisevidentastwobrightspotsformonhischeeks.
Meanwhile,ifIcouldfitaseven-foottelevisioninmylivingroomtowatchOutlanderon,I’ddoitinaheartbeat.“So,youallhangoutdownherewhenyou’renotdoinghouseholdstuff?”
Gerardsitsonanoverstuffedsofaandsays,“Yes.Now,comejoinmeandlet’stalkaboutthispartyofyours.”
“HowdidyouknowJonathansaidyes?”
“Hetoldme.”
Martinadds,“Hespoketoallofusandsaidthatweweretohelpyouinanywaywecan.Hesoundedalmostexcited.”
“Hedid?”Ican’timagine,butGerardandMartinhavenoreasontolietome.
Gerardsays,“I’mthinkingheavyhorsd’oeuvres.You’llwantprimarilyfingerfood,sopeopledon’thavetofigureouthowtouseknivesandforkswhilemingling.”
“Fingerfoodisalsoinherentlysexier,”Iadd.AnunbiddenpictureofmefeedingJonathanpopsintomyhead—it’slobsterdrippinginbutter.Itrunsdownhischintauntingme,temptingmetorunmytongueoveritandgiveitalittlelick.Then,ofcourse,mytonguemightaccidentallycrosshislipswhereIwouldhavenootherchoicebuttokissthemanlikemylifedependeduponit.Thenhislipswouldpartandhe’dkissmebackwithallthepassionofasex-starvedpirate.Andthenwe’d…
“Emily,areyoulistening?”Gerardbreaksthroughmyfantasy.
Iquicklyfanmyselfbeforeanswering,“Sorry,Izonedoutthereforaminute.”Ihurrytoregroup,“Iwanttoservethoselittlecocktailsweenies.Ilovethem.”
Beforehehasachancetoanswer,anothervoicejoinstheconversation.“Youneedtoservebratwurst,ja?Tinywienerswillnotinspireromance.”HelgaapparentlycamedownwhileIwaslostinmydaydreamaboutJonathan.
Ican’thelpbutgiggleathersuggestion.“Thatmightbeabittoosexy,Helga,butI’llcertainlythinkaboutit.”Inthemeantime,I’mhardpressedtothinkaboutanythingbutJonathan.Ikickmyfeetuponthecoffeetableandonceagainletmybrainpaintsomeprettyinterestingpicturesofthetwoofus.ChapterTwenty-Five
Skydidn’twakemeupwhenshegotinlastnight,soIhurryoutofbedtofindouthoweverythingwentbetweenherandSteven.She’snotinherroomsoIpickupmyphoneandsendheraquicktext.Whereareyou?Howdiditgo?ReportinASAP.
Whenshedoesn’trespondrightaway,Itakeaquickshowerandgetreadyfortheday.ItakeextrapainswithmyappearancewhichIcanonlytaketomeanI’mtryingtoimpressJonathan.
ThetruthisclearwhenIgointoSky’sclosetandsearchforapairofheelstoborrow.Iwon’tputthemonuntilIgettothestudiothough.IshouldbeabletowearthemasI’llbesittingdownwhileweeat.
GerardhandsmeacupofcoffeeassoonasIwalkintothekitchen.“Youlookverynicetoday.”
Ithankhimforthecompliment.Idolooknice.Insteadofpinchingmycheeksandbitingmylipsforcolor,I’veactuallyappliedmakeup.Iblewmyhairoutsoit’sfullandflowylikeashampoocommercial.“Idon’thavetimeforbreakfastthismorning,Gerard.Ineedtohurrytotheoffice.”
Hefussesaroundforaminutebeforedroppingsomethingintoasmallpapersackandhandingittome.“Homemadebeignets.”
“You’rejoking?Yum!”Igrabthebagandthankhimbeforehurryingoutthefrontdoortomycar.
MybrainissofullofthoughtsofJonathanandmethatIdon’trememberthedrivetowork.Iremindmyselfthatheisnotmytype;Iamnothistype.ThenIwonderhowintheworldwecouldberightforeachother.YethereIamtryingtolooklikewhatIthinkhistypeis.DoesthatmeanI’dchangefortheguy?IlikewhoIam.WhywouldIdothat?
IkeeptryingtofindtheanswertothatquestionasIstraponSky’sheelssoIcanpracticewalkingaroundtheofficeinthem.It’sslowgoingfromtheparkinglottothebackdoorandIlookmorelikeadrunkstiltwalkerthanafemmefatale.
SkyspotsmeassoonasIcrossthethresholdintoPemberley.IfI’mreadingthelookonherfacecorrectly,she’sequalpartsastonishedandconcerned.Shehurriestowardme.“Whatareyouwearing?”
“Iborrowedapairofyourshoes.Ihopeyoudon’tmind.”
Grabbingaholdofmyelbowtohelpguidemetowardmydesk,shesays,“Idon’tmindatall,butyou’regoingtohurtyourselfifyoukeepthoseon.”
“I’mhavinglunchwithyou-know-whotodayandIthoughtI’dtrytolookalittlenicer.”IwhispertohersoasnottobeoverheardbyLucywhoiscurrentlydissectingmewithhereyesfromacrosstheroom.
“Jonathan?”Skydoesn’twhisper.
“Yes,nowshush.Idon’twanttoadvertisewhyI’mdoingit.”
“Youlikehim,”myfriendaccuses.
ItrytoshrugmyshouldersbutassoonasIdo,Istarttotoppleover.Howdowomenwalkinthesethingseveryday?“Maybe,”Itellher.“Butdon’tgomakingathingofit.ItmightjustbethatIreallymisshavingromanceinmylifeandI’mjumpingonthefirstmanaround.”
“So,you’rejumpingonhimnow?”Skysnickers.
Itrytosmackherarm,butIwindupfallingontomydesk.“Thesewerethelowestheelsyouhadinyourcloset.Howdoyoudothiseveryday?”Idemand.
“Youhavetostandtallandleadwithyourpelvis.Giveitatry,”Skyinstructs.
Idecidetowalktothelobbyandback.Istartoutveryslowly—snails-crawling-through-molassesslowly.Fredericlooksupfromhisdeskandasks,“Areyouhurt?Haveyoubeeninanaccident?”
“Whatkindofquestionisthat?”Idemand.
“You’removinglikeyouhaveagroinpullorsomething.”
IbrieflywonderwhatIwouldhavehadtobedoingtogetaninjurylikethat.“Don’tbenasty,Frederic,”Itellhimbeforeexplaining,“I’mtryingtobreakinanewpairofshoes.”
Hestandsupsohecanseemyfeetfrombehindhisdeskandstartslaughing.“Ithoughtyoulookedtaller.”WhenIwearflats,hehastotiphischinupsohecanseemyface.IfIkeepthisup,hemayhavetogetchiropractichelptoconversewithme.“Youactuallylookveryprettytoday.I’mproudofyoufortryingtofitinmore,”hesays.
WhileIshouldappreciatethecompliment,Idon’t.Pricklesofactualdisgustripplethroughme.Yet,Idon’tdisabusemybossofthenotionthatIamnottryingtoconformbecauseImightaswellearnsomebrowniepoints.Lordknows,I’llneedthemwhenhefindsoutI’mnotsellingoneofhistwentymillion-dollarlistingstoJonathan.
Asthoughreadingmymind,Fredericasks,“Whenareyoushowingmylistingstoyournewclient?”
“I’mhavinglunchwithhimtodaytodiscussthem,”Iliesohe’llleavemealone.
ItworksbecauseFredericsmileslikehejustfoundadrugthatwouldhelphimgrowafootinheight.
Ittakesmeafulltenminutestogettothelobbyandback,ajourneythatwouldhavetakentwentysecondshadIbeenwearingmynormalshoes.SkylooksconcernedwhenIfinallyreturn.“Don’twearthoseshoestolunch.Ifyouwantaheel,gobuyyourselfsomeniceorthopedicgrannyshoes.”
“Ithoughtyouwereonmyside.”
“Imostdefinitelyam,”sheassuresme.“Idon’twantyoutomakeafoolofyourself.”
Oddly,insteadoftakingherconcerntoheart,Itakeitasachallengetoproveherwrong.Changingthesubject,Iask,“Howwasdinnerlastnight?”
SkysitsontopofmydeskwhileIkickoffhershoesandplopdownonmychair.“Itwasperfect.WewatchedashowonNovaabouttheexpandinguniversewhileweate.”
“Sexy,”Ideadpan.
“Itwas.Weheldhandsafterdinnerandsnuggledalittle.”
“Didhekissyou?”
Sheshakesherhead.“Notyet,butit’scoming,Icanfeelit.”
Asmuchasshelookslikesexonaplate,Skyisanotoriousprude.ItsoundslikeStevenisaswell,whichmakesmewonderhowthey’reevergoingtoprogresstheirrelationshipbeyonddiscussingrosesandwatchingdocumentaries.
“Stevenisgoingtocometoourparty,”shesays.
“I’mglad.Jonathaniscomingtoo,”Itellher.
“Ihopehedoesn’tpooponourparade.”Inresponsetomyarchedeyebrowofinquiry,sheadds,“Youknow,walkaroundactinglikethemilitarypoliceataprotestrally.”
Iburstoutlaughing.“Icantotallyseehimwithabaton,smackingpeoplewhogettooclosetothehouse.No,butseriously,Ithinkit’llbegoodforhim.”
“Maybehe’llrealizeyou’retheperfectwomanforhim,”shesuggests.
“Idon’tknow,Sky.Whileit’struethatI’mhavingsomefeelingsfortheguy,Ican’twrapmyheadaroundchangingforhim.”
“Yethereyouarestaggeringaroundinheels.Ifyou’renotdoingthatforhim,whoareyoudoingitfor?”BeforeIcananswer,shesays,“Youdon’tneedtochangeforhim,Em.You’reperfectthewayyouare.”
“Ifthat’strue,whyamIstillsingle?”
“WhyamIstillsingle?”shecounters.“WehaveoppositefashionsensibilitiessoI’mguessingclotheshavenothingtodowithit.”
WhileI’minclinedtoagree,Istillreply,“I’mgoingtotrythisnewmefortoday.”
“Youshouldwearahelmet.”Ifshedidn’tlooksoconcerned,I’dbeoffended.
Iignoreherandreply,“I’mgoingtotakeapictureofJonathanwhilewe’reeatingandsendittoLucy.Canyoubelieveherlyingabouthavinglunchwithhimtoday?”
“She’sjusttryingtogetyourgoat.Itshowsyoujusthowpatheticsheis.”
Ilookacrosstheroomatourco-worker.Shedoesn’tlookpatheticatall;shelooksmeanandcalculating.Truthfully,Iwouldn’tputanythingpasther.ChapterTwenty-Six
GettingontotheRavenswoodlotismucheasierthistime.Asin,noonepullsaweapononme.TheguardtellsmethatIshouldtakealeftatthefirstintersectionandparkinaguestspotunderJonathan’sbuilding.Heoffers,“Youhaveyourselfaniceday,ma’am.”Ah,thepowerofvisitingtheboss.
IwearmyregularshoesintothebuildingandthenchangeonceI’mintheelevator.Idon’tknowaboutJustinFox’sclubsandwichrecommendationyet,butthesmellofthefriesisalmostmorethanIcantake.
Whentheelevatordoorsopen,Iproceedcautiouslybeforecheckinginwithaguardwho’ssittingatadesknotfivefeetaway.Aftercheckingmydriver’slicense,hepointsaroundthecornerwheretherearefourmoredesksfullofwomenbusilytypingawayatcomputers.
AsIapproachthem,theclosestoneasks,“MayIhelpyou?”
“I’mEmilyHargrove.IhavealunchappointmentwithJonathan,”Itellher
Jumpingtoherfeet,shedeclares,“Oh,yes,Mr.Silverisexpectingyou.Pleasefollowme.”
Sheleadsthewaytoacornerofficenotfarfromherdeskandknocksonthedoorbeforeopeningit.Afterwalkingin,sheannounces,“Mr.Silver,Ms.Hargroveishere.”
WhenIdon’tfollowherinrightaway,sheturnsbacktodiscoverwhat’skeepingme.I’mstillseveralyardsbehindhertryingtonavigatethewholeshoesituation.Afterwhatfeelslikeanhouroftakingtinybabysteps,butI’msureisonlyreallyacoupleofminutes,Jonathanyellsout,“Emily,what’skeepingyou?”
Pelvisforward,pelvisforward…Iremindmyself.WhenIfinallygetintoJonathan’soffice,hestandsupandasks,“Areyouhurt?”
FortheloveofGod!Iwanttochuckhislunchathimatleave,butIremindmyselfthatI’mdoingthisforhim.“Jonathan,howareyou?”IaskasnicelyasIcanmuster.
Ashestepsoutfrombehindhisdesktogreetme,Ilookaroundathisprivatedomain.It’sprobablythesizeofmywholetownhouseandhasfloortoceilingwindowsthatlookoutontothemovielotbelow.It’sverymanlyinallitsdarkleatheropulence.Veryimpressiveindeed.
Thenextsequenceofeventsissomortifyingitwillhauntmeforever.Jonathanisnearlyuponmewhenhisassistantexcusesherself.Iturntothankherforshowingmetheway,andmyheelgetsstuckinthecarpet.WhenIturnback,IfallheadfirstintoJonathan’sarms.MattersaremadeworsebecauseIscreamlikeI’mbeingstabbedinadarkalleyasgravityhasitswaywithme.Luckily,Idroppedthebagsoffoodbeforelaunchingmyself,soourlunchdoesn’tgethurt
Jonathanshooshisassistantawayasshereturnstolendahand.“I’vegother,”hesayswhilehelpingmebackontomyfeet.Thenhelooksdownatme.“Haveyoubeendrinking?”
“No,Ihavenotbeendrinking,”IsnarlathimasIpushhimaway.Unfortunately,thatsendsmecareeningintheoppositedirectionandIfallintothewall.
“Emily,”Jonathansaysashescoopsmeupagain,“what’swrongwithyou?”
IpointtoSky’sshoesandexplain,“I’mbreakinginanewpairofshoes.”
“Itlookslikethey’rebreakingyouin.”I’dbealotangrierifheweren’tright.“Whereshouldweeat?”heasks.“Wecansitinthelivingareaoraroundthecorneratmymeetingtable.”
“Thisisahugeoffice,”IcommentasIpeekoverhisshoulderandseeatablethatcouldeasilyseatten.Assessingthedistancebetweenthelivingareaandthetable,Ipointtoabrownleathersofa.“Let’seatthere.”
Jonathanreleasesmyarmandleadstheway.“MayIofferyouadrink?”heasks.
“Water’sgood,”Itellhimwhilestanding,stillafraidtomove.
“Takeoffthedamnshoesandgetoverhere,”heorders.“Whyareyouwearingheelstoday?”
“Everyonewearsheels,”Ireply,evadingadirectanswer.
“Youclearlydon’t.Youcan’tevenwalkinthem.”
“Thefoodsmellsamazing,doesn’tit?”Idon’twanttofightwiththeman,especiallyasonceagain,he’scorrect.
“Iloveagoodclubsandwich,”hetellsme.“ThePoloLoungehasagreatone,too.TheyputVirginiahamontheirs,alongwithbacon.”
“Ithinkthisonehasmesquitegrilledchicken.”Icouldmakesmalltalkaboutfoodalldaylong.
“Whatdidyoubringfordessert?”
“Youdidn’tsayyouwanteddessert.”
“Ididn’tthinkIhadto.”
“NooneeatsdessertinLA.”Ireallydoenjoyfightingwiththeman.
“Whatdidyoubring?”hepersists,obviouslynotbelievingme.
“Chocolatemoussecakeandapeargalette.”Thesmileonhisfaceisradiantandcausesahitchinmybreathing.
“Let’sstartwiththat,”hesuggestsexcitedlywhilemotioningformetositnexttohim.
“Thefrenchfrieswillgetcold,”Icomplain.“We’dbetterstartwiththoseandthenmoveintodessert.”Then,tofurthermyimageasamasterofphysicalcomedy,Itripoverthecoffeetableleganddoaheaderrightintohislap.OMG,youcan’ttakemeanywhere.
“Emily,eitheryoudrankyourbreakfast,andI’mtalkingstraightvodka,oryouareaklutz.”
“That’smean,”Itellhimwitharmsandlegsakimbo.“Smellmybreath,there’snoalcoholonit.”Ileaninsohecandojustthat,butrealizetoolatehowintimateathingthatistodowhilesprawledacrosshim.
Jonathanstaresstraightintomyeyesandgroansasheleanscloser.It’slikewe’reoppositepolesofamagnetbeingdrawntogether.HismouthisonmineinsecondsandItreathimlikeanappetizer.IbiteandnibbleandactlikeIhaven’tbeenkissedinayear.Truthbetold,Ithinkit’sbeenclosertotwo.
Idon’tknowhowlongwemakeoutlikeacoupleofteenagershighonhormones,butit’sthemostwonderfulkissingI’veeversharedwithanyone.EverythingaboutJonathanfeelslikeafitforme.
“Emily,”hefinallysaysashepullsback.Uhoh,didhenotwanttodothis?DidIjustthrowmyselfathim?
Ihurrytoscootovertomyownsideofthecouchandgetbusyunpackinglunch.
“Emily,”hesaysagain.
“Doyouwantthegaletteorthemousse?”
“Iwantboth.Iwantitall.”Innuendohangsheavilyintheair.MaybeIdidn’tjustmolesttheman,afterall.
IpullallofthetidylittleStyrofoamcontainersoutoftheshoppingbagandlinethemuponthetable.IhandJonathanaplasticforkwhichheaccepts.ThenIstartdiggingintothefoodlikeI’vejustbeenrescuedafteramonthonadesertedisland.
“Emily…”Jonathansaysagain.“Ithinkweneedtodiscusssomething.”
“Really?”Iaskwithmymouthfullofchocolatemousse.Ihavezerofinesse
“Don’tyouwanttotalkaboutwhatjusthappened?”
“Notparticularly,”Itellhim.“Frenchfry?”Ishovealittlewhiteboxovertohim.
“Whatdoyouthinkaboutthatkiss?”hepersists.
Whydowehavetotalkaboutit?“Itwasverynice,”Itellhim.“Thankyou.”
He’ssmilingatmelikeI’mamentaldeficient.“Howdoyoufeelaboutusdoingthat?”
IfeelprettydarngoodaboutitandI’dliketodoalotmoreofit,butIdon’tgetachancetosaythatbecausethere’sanotherknockonthedoor.
“Mr.Silver,”anotherwomanwalksinandannounces,“yourlunchdateishere.”
Jonathanlooksconfusedandpointstome.“Iknow.We’vealreadystartedeating.”
“Oh,um,ImeantMs.Lamourishere.”
AtthatpointLucystormsintoJonathan’sofficeandwalksstraightovertohim.Shepracticallyjumpsintohislap.Okay,maybeshejustextendsherhand,butstill,whyisshehere?
“Jonathan,”Lucyeffuseslikehe’stheKingofEnglandabouttoproposemarriage.“It’ssogoodtoseeyouagain.”
Jonathanstandsupandputsouthishand,butLucytakestheopportunitytothrowherselfintohisarmsforahug.Thenshelooksatmeanddemands,“Emily,whatareyoudoinghere?ItoldyouIwashavinglunchwithJonathantoday.”
IfeellikeI’minseventhgradealloveragain.Insecure,unsureofmyself,andforthefirsttimeeverwithLucy,Ifeellacking.SeeingherwithherarmsaroundJonathan,I’moverwhelmedbythesensationthatsheisexactlythekindofwomanhebelongswith.She’soverthetopglamorous,andshecanwalkinhighheelswithoutkillinganyone.
Ijumptomyfeetandannounce,“Wewerefinishedanyway.”ThenIgrabmypurseandSky’sshoes,beforepracticallysprintingtothedoor.
Jonathancalls,“Whereareyougoing?”
Iheadbacktowardthecoffeetableandtaketheboxoffriesbeforesaying,“I’vegotafullday.EnjoyyourlunchwithLucy.”ThenIrunoutoftheroomlikesomeonefiredastarterpistolandI’mtryingtosetaworldrecordinthefifty-yarddash.ChapterTwenty-Seven
“You’vebeenactinglikeabigbaby,”Skytellsmeforthemillionthtimeinthelasttwoweeks.
“I’mnotandI’msickandtiredofyousayingthat.”Ihurrytoputonmyearrings,wantingtogetdownstairsandhelpgetthingsreadyfortheparty.
GerardandMartinhavedoneaspectacularjobdecoratingtheverandainanelegantValentinetheme.Withalltheoutdoorheatersscatteredabout,itwillbesowarm,noonewillneedajacket.
“Youhaven’ttakenoneofJonathan’scalls.Youhaven’tevengonehometovisitGeorgesinceyourill-fatedlunchatthestudio.Whyyouwouldpunishyourcatisbeyondme.”
“Georgeisfine.I’vegonehomeseveraltimes.IjustwaiteduntilJonathanleftbeforegoingintoseehim.”
“ThereisnothinggoingonbetweenLucyandJonathan,”Skytellsme.
“Thenwhydidshethrowherselfathimliketheywerelong-lostlovers?”Insecurityhasawayofmakingyourememberthingsdifferentlythanwhatreallyhappened.
“Howdidshethrowherselfathim?”Skywantstoknow.
“Shehuggedhim.”Isoundpouty.
“That’sit?Ahug?Myhairstylistkissesmeonthelipsand,believeme,nothingisgoingonthere.”
“Ofcourse,not.Fernando’shusbandwouldn’tputupwiththat.”Payattention,Sky.
“AllI’msayingisthateveryonehugsinthistownandninehundredandninety-ninetimesoutofathousand,itdoesn’tmeanathing.YoucouldaskJonathanifitmeantanythingifyou’dbothertakinghiscalls,”shesays.
“Iguess,”Ianswerasawallofangstslamsintomeyetagain.JonathanandIhadjustsharedthemostamazingkiss.Butknowingthatheliedtomeabouthavingameetingwiththatshe-viperIworkwithmakesmefeellikeanidiot.
I’veneverbeenthreatenedbyLucybefore.IwassureshewaslyingabouthavingalunchdatewithJonathan.Whenshewalkedintohisoffice,everyself-consciousemotionI’veeverharboredcamebubblingtothesurfaceandthreatenedtodrownmeinapoolofself-doubt.
Iprobablyshouldn’thaverunbecausenowIhavenoideahowtotalktoJonathanaboutwhathappened.HestoppedcallingafteraweekandI’veinterpretedthattomeanheregretsourliplockandisgladtobedonewithme.
“Youlookbeautifultonight,”myfriendtellsme,givingmeamuch-neededboost.
“Thankyou.”
“Seriously,Em,thatdressistodiefor.IfJonathandoesshowuptonight,he’sgoingtoeathisheartout.”
“DidStevensayhewascoming?”Iaskanxiously.I’vebeenworriedabouthowtoactwhenIseehimagain.ShouldIplayitcoollikenothingeverhappenedorshouldIbroachthesubjectstraightonandtellhimI’msorryIthrewmyselfathim?
“Stevendoesn’tknow.”
“Atleastthetwoofyoufoundeachother.”Ittookthemfivedatesbeforetheykissed,butallsignspointtothisbeingagreatmatch.
“YouandJonathanaregoingtowinduptogether,too.Markmywords.”
I’dlikenothingmore,butatthismomentIdonotbelievewe’dwork.He’sjusttooHollywood-fancyandI’mtooplain-Jane.Itakeaquickpeekinthemirrorandstraightenmyredcocktaildress.It’stheperfectValentine’sDayoutfit,eventhoughIdon’thaveaValentine.
“I’mgladyouboughtthoseshoes.Theylookgreatonyou.”
Ilookdownattheone-inchsatinheelthatacrippledninety-year-oldmancouldmanagetosalsainandmumble,“Thanks.Whydon’tyougoondown?I’llbethereinaminute.”
Skywalksovertome,lookinglikeagoddessinherwhite,skintightdresswithbrightredstilettos.Thenshegivesmeahugandannounces,“Let’sjustenjoytonightandnotthinkaboutyouknowwho.”
“Goodidea,”Itellher.Webothknowthatwillbeeasiersaidthandone.AfterSkyleaves,Itakeacoupleofdeepbreathsandrallyenoughcouragetoleavemyroom.Ifnothingelse,tonightwillbeasuccessbecauseI’mbringingmysingleclientstogether.Eveniftherearen’tanylovematchesmade,itneverhurtstopracticeyourflirtingskills,andI’mguessingtonightwillbeaveritablesmorgasbordofeyebattingandappreciativegazes.
BythetimeIgettothekitchen,Gerardisclappinghishandsandgivingtheservingstaffordersforthenight.TheGermansareinchargeofmakingsureeveryonestaysoutofthehouseandtherentedhelpwillkeepthefoodanddrinkspassed.
Gerardcatchesmyeyeafterdismissingthehelp.Hewavesmeover.“Trythis,”hesayswhilepuncturingacocktailwieneronatoothpick.
Iopenmymouthandlethimfeedme.“Yum!Whatdidyoudotothem?”
“Ireplacedtheketchupwithspicybarbecuesauceformoreofakick.They’regood,huh?”
“Sogood!”Igrabanewtoothpickandskewertwomore.
“Mr.Silverisoutside,andhe’sbeenaskingforyou,”Gerardsays.
“Steven?”Iaskhopefully.
“Jonathan,”hetellsme.
Dratanddoubledrat!There’snothingforitnowbuttofacethemusicheadon.Throwingmyshouldersbackandmychinupward,Istarttomarchouttotheverandalikeasoldieronhiswaytomeetafiringsquad.
Jonathanlooksresplendentinablacksuit,likeJamesBondathisfinest.He’sstandingatthebartalkingtoMartinwhenIwalkout.Hedoesn’tmoveamusclewhenheseesme,buthiseyesboreintome.
Iwanttorun,butI’mfrozenlikeadeercaughtintheheadlightsofanoncomingtruck.Iwonderhowlongwe’regoingtostandherestaringateachotherwhenJonathanfinallycallsout,“Emily.”
“Jonathan,”Iretaliate.
“Comehere,”hetellsme.
“Youcomehere.”
Heshakeshishead.“No.Youranoutonmethelasttimeweweretogether.Youcometome.”
Myfeetstarttomovewithawilloftheirown,slowly,surely.Ifinallymanagetostopthemwithintenfeetofhim.“Keepmoving,”heorders.
Shakingmyhead,Itellhim,“No.I’vemetyoumorethanhalfway.Youcometomenow.”
Withinablinkofaneye,he’sstandingsocloseIhavetotipmyheadbackjusttoseehiseyes.“Istheresomethingyouwanttotellme?”heasks.
“It’saniceevening,isn’tit?”
“Emily…”
“What?WhatamIsupposedtosaytoyou?”Idemandwithmyhandsonmyhips
“Howabouttellingmethatyou’resorryyouranoutonourlunchdate?Howaboutsayingyou’resorryyou’vebeenavoidingmeandnottakinganyofmycalls?”
“HowaboutyoutellmewhatyouweredoinghavinglunchwithLucy?”Putthatinyourpipe,Mr.Hollywood.
“Mynewinternscheduledthelunch.Notonlydidshenotgetmyapprovaltodoso,butshedidn’tputitinmymaincalendar.She’snolongermyintern.”
“Youfiredher?”
“It’scommonknowledgethatyoudon’tscheduleameetingforyourbossjustbecausethepersonontheotherendofthelinetellsyouto.”Registeringmyappalledexpression,headds,“She’sbeenmovedtoadifferentadministrativeroleuntilshelearnsenoughtoreturntotheexecutivefloor.”
“So,whatyou’resayingisthatLucycalledyourofficeandtoldyourinternthatyouwantedhertoschedulealunch,butyoudidn’ttellLucythat,correct?”
“Idon’tknowwhoLucyis,”hetellsme.
“Shesaidshemetyouatapartylastmonth.”
“Thousandsofpeoplecouldprobablytellyouthesamething.Thatdoesn’tmeanIrememberwhotheyare.”
IlookdownandrealizethatJonathan’shandshavesnakedaroundmywaistandhe’sholdingmeclosely.Whendidthathappen?
“Now,didyouhavesomethingyouwantedtosaytome?”herepeats.
“I’msorryImissedtherestofourlunch.”ThenItease,“Thatclubsandwichlookedreallygood.”
“Emily…”Jonathansaysinawarningtonebeforepullingmecloser.“Whatelseareyousorryabout?”
“I’msorrythatIdidn’tgetanyofthatchocolatemoussecake.”Ican’tsaythatwithoutlaughing.
Hepullsmecloseryet.“And?”
“I’msorryIdidn’tgetanotherkissbeforeIleft,”Iconfess.
Thatseemstobetheanswerhe’swaitingfor.Jonathan’smouthisonminewithlightningspeed.Themintysmellofhim,theheatofhim,theelectricityofhim,allnearlyundome.
Ikisshimbacklikehe’smylifeline,liketheveryactoffusingourbodiestogetheristheonlythingthat’skeepingmealive.InolongerknowwhereIbeginandJonathanends.We’reonelargemassoflight.
That’swhenIopenmyeyesandabsorbwhatI’mseeing.Jonathan’sauraisabrightyellowandit’sblendingwithmyaura.Thehaloaroundusisblindingly,radiantlybeautiful,likewe’resittingonthesun.Likewearethesun.
JonathanSilverismyhappyending,andI’mhis.Iknowthisbeyondashadowofadoubtandmybodypositivelyvibrateswiththeknowledge.
“Emily,”Jonathansays,“thankyouforhelpingmefindmysoulmate.”
“You’rewelcome,”Ianswerbeforeasking,“You’retalkingaboutme,right?”
Hepullsmebackintoakiss,leavingnodoubtinmyheadthatI’mexactlywhohe’stalkingabout.
“Iwishweweren’thavingapartyheretonight,”Jonathansayswhenhefinallycomesupforair.
“IjustneedtogreetmyguestsandthenSkycantakeover,”Itellhim.“Wecansneakoffafterthat.”Whichwedon’twindupdoingforages.
Jonathanstaysbymysidefortherestoftheevening.He’scharmingandentertainingandjustabouttheperfecthostyoucanimagine.Afteracoupleofhours,Itellhim,“Icouldprobablyleavenow.I’mguessingnoonewillnoticeI’mgone.”
Iexpecthimtojumpatthechancetohavemealltohimself,buthedoesn’t.Instead,hesays,“I’mgoingtohaveyouforever.Ithinkyouneedtostayhereandhelpsomeofthesepeoplefindloveaswell.”
“Really?”
Heseemstorethinkhiscomment.“Helpasmanyasyoucaninthenextthirtyminutes.Afterthat,you’reallmine.”Epilogue
JonathanandIswitchedhousesagainaweekaftermyValentine’sDayparty.HewasupsetthatIdidn’tstaywithhim,claimingIcouldhavetheentirethirdfloorasmyownifIwanted.
Whileitwasatemptingidea,Itoldhimthatjustbecausewewerealoveconnectiondidn’tmeanthathe’soffthehookforcourtingmeproperly.
“Youwantromanticdinnersout,flowers,andexoticvacations?”heasked.
“Noway,”Itoldhim.“Iwanthikes,camping,andPop-Tarts.”
“Emily…”
“Andboxedmacaroniandcheese,”Iadded.
We’recurrentlynegotiatingallofthedetails,butIhaveeveryconfidencewe’regoingtoworkitout.
Inthemeantime,SkyandStevenareofficiallyacoupleandsoareAbrilandTony.ThreeothercouplesformedattheValentine’sDaypartyandI’mdoingmybesttomakesureevenmorefindeachother.
Lucydidn’tshowuptothepartyandshe’sbeenuncharacteristicallynicetomeeversinceshefoundoutaboutmeandJonathan.Idon’ttrustherforaminute,butI’mrelievedthatshe’snotcurrentlygunningforme.
FredericisnolongermadatmefornotsellingJonathanoneofhislistings,butonlybecauseheexpectsmetopickupallkindsofnewclientsnowthatI’mdatingamoviemogul.LittledoesheknowthatIhavenointentionofcourtingbusinessforthesakeofbusiness.Moresothanever,I’mdedicatingmyprofessiontohelpingpeoplefindtheirsoulmates.
EventhoughIshouldprobablyofferFredericmyservices,IthinkI’mgoingtostartwithmynewfriends,Jonathan’shouseholdstaff.Ifwe’reultimatelygoingtoturnhismansionintotheperfectfamilyhome,I’dliketomakesuremynewfamilyhasloveintheirlives,aswell.
TheEndAbouttheAuthor
USATodayBestsellerWhitneyDineenisarockstarinherownhead.Whiledelusionalabouthersingingabilities,there’sbeenaplethoraofvalidationthatshe’safairlydecentauthor(AMAZING!!!).Afterwinningmanywritingawardsandsellingnearlyakabillionbooks(mathmaynotbeherforte,either),she’sdecidedtoletthevoicesinherheadsaywhatevertheywant(sorry,Mom).Shealsowonafourth-placeribboninafifth-gradeswimmeetinbackstroke.So,there’sthat.
Whitneylovestoplaywithherkids(a.k.a.dazzlethemwithheramazingflossingabilities),bakestuff,eatstuff,andwritebooksforpeoplewho“get”her.ShethinksfrenchfriesaretheperfectfoodandMrs.Roperisherspiritanimal.
Joinhernewsletterherefornewsofherlatestreleases,sales,andrecommendations.
Ifyouconsideryourselfasuperfan,joinherprivateWhileyou’rewaitingformynextrelease,checkoutmynationalbestsellingRelativelySeries.
RelativelyNormalFourYearsAgo
MybestfriendisavisionstraightoutofoneofthoseglossybridalmagazinesthatcostsmorethanamacchiatoandbreakfastsandwichatStarbucks.She’swelloversixfeettallinherheels,slimasafashionmodel—exceptshe’ssportingaC-cupnoemaciatedsupermodelwouldbecaughtdeadwith—andhersilkybrownhairiscurrentlytwistedinanimpossiblycomplicatedup-dothatprobablyrequiredfourprofessionalhairstylistsandadragqueentoexecute.She’selegantbeyondwords.
Igaspasshespinsaround,soIcanbeholdherinallhersplendor.Thesleeveless,beadedbodicetrumpetgownfitsherlikeaglove.“JasmineMarie,you’reglorious!”
Shegiggles,whichissoundyouwouldn’texpecttocomeoutofsuchastunninglyetherealcreature.Shespinsagain,“I’veneverfeltsogirly!Andthat’ssayingsomethingbeingthatI’mthistall.”
“Whoeversaidamonth’spaycheckwastoomuchtospendonaweddingdressclearlyneversawyouinthisone.Ifeellikeaproudmotherrightnow.”
Jazzheavesasigh.“Speakingofmothers,youhavetodomeafavor.”Myeyebrowsraiseininterest.Shecontinues,“Watchoutformineandmakesureshedoesn’tmurdermydad’snewwifeduringdinner.”
Isnort.“Puh-leeze,yourmomiseveryouncealady.She’dnomorecommitmurderthanIwould.”
“Alas,Brandee—withtwoe’s—thelatestofmydad’sspouses,hasjustannouncedshe’spregnant.Mymomisn’ttakingthenewsgracefully.”
“You’rekiddingme?You’regoingtohaveanewbrotherorsisterattwenty-nine?”ThenIask,“HowoldisBrandeeagain?”
Myfriendrollsherbigbrowneyes.“Mydeareststepmotherhasjustturnedtwenty-four.”
“Idon’tknow,Jazz.Ithinkyourdadistheonewhoneedsoffinginthisscenario.Imightbepersuadedtohelp.”
“Iwouldappreciateifnomurderswerecommittedatmynuptials.”Thenshehugsme,andsays,“ButIloveyouforoffering.”
“Oh,Jazzy,”Iexclaim,“thisdayisgoingtobesowonderful.Youdeserveeveryminuteofhappiness.Dylanisoneluckyguy.”
Brushinganon-existentwrinkleoutofherskirt,shedeclares,“Nowallweneedtodoisfindyoutheperfectman.Threeofthegroomsmenaresingle.You’vemettwoofthem,andthethirdistheonewithsandyblondhair.He’sDylan’scousin,Jared,fromDetroit.”
“Detroit?Hardpass.”Thesarcasmrollsoffmytongue.“I’mnotlookingforalong-distancelove.Buthavenofear,I’lldefinitelyscopeouttheothertwo.I’mnotopposedtomeetingthefutureMr.CatrionaMastertontonight.”
Shebeams.“Peopleoftenmeettheirfuturespousesatweddings.It’sathing.”
“So,it’sgottobemyturn,right?”Jazzplayfullypunchesmyarm.“That’stheattitudeIlove!Ijustwishyouwerewalkingdowntheaislewithme.”
IcallouttoJennifer,ourassistant,“MakesureyoupackupallofJazz’sstuffandtakeitovertohersuiteatthehotel.Oh,andbeforeyougo,tellElainetogetthelimosturnedaroundoutfronttotransporttheweddingpartytothereceptiononcetheceremonyends.”
Inadditiontobeingbestfriends,JazzandIownamuchsought-afterevent-planningbusinessinManhattan.We’rethego-toduoknownforstylishlyexecutingeventhetrickiestparties—likeweddingswherethegroomwasoncemarriedtothebride’ssister—withoutahitch.Iturntothecurrentbride.
“IwishIwerewalkingdowntheaislewithyoutoo,butsomeonehastomakesurethisshin-digofyoursgoesoffperfectly.There’satonofpotentialbusinessoutthere,sowehavetomakesurethisisourbestpartyyet.Now,hustle,thebridesmaidsarealreadyupstairs,andtheirprocessionstartsin…”—Icheckmywatch—“twominutes,whichonlygivesyousevenbeforeit’syourturn.”
Ipickupmyfriend’schapel-lengthtraintokeepitfromgettingdirtyonthestairs.“Let’sgo,lady;yourhappily-ever-afterawaits.”
WearriveupstairsintheentranceofSt.JohntheDivineCathedraljustasEmily,thelastbridesmaid,startshergoosestepdowntheaisle.JazzandIstandside-by-sidewatchinghergo.AsEmilytakesherplaceinthefrontofthealtar,thefirststrainsoftrumpetvoluntaryfilltheatmospherelikeaheavenlyserenade.ChillsracethroughmybodyasIkissmyfriend’scheekandhandherofftoherfatherwhowilldeliverhertoherdestiny,oneDylanFinch.
OncetheceremonyisoverandthereceptionisinfullswingattheSt.RegisHotel,Itakeoffmyparty-plannerhatandputonmydancingshoes.It’sgotime.
Ihavemyeyeonaparticulargroomsman,whomI’vemetonacoupleotheroccasions.He’ssweetandshy,butsupereasyontheeyes.I’mnotsurewe’redestinedformatrimony,butacoupleofdanceswouldbefun.Istraightentheskinnynavyskirtofmyeveningdressandprepareforthechase.Itakeastepforwardandwindupdoinganunexpectedsplittotheground.
Ouch!ThewaiterrushesovertocleanupthespilleddrinkIinadvertentlysteppedin,andbeforeIcanbegintheprocessofrestoringmydignity,apairofshiny,blackshoesshowsupnexttome.
Amanlyhandstretchesoutandadeepvoiceinquires,“MayIbeofassistance?”Heintroduceshimself.“EthanCrenshaw,lifelongfriendofthegroom.”Irecognizehimfromtherehearsaldinner,butIdidn’tgetachancetotalktohim.
NotonlyisDylan’sfriendchivalrous,buthehasgorgeousgreeneyesthatremindmeofMaeve’s,mychildhoodcat.Itakehishand.“Thankyou.That’sverykind.”
“LetmehelpyoutoachairandthenI’llgetsomeiceforyourinjury.It’llkeeptheswellingdown,”heannounces.
OnceI’mpositionedattablefourteeninthemainballroom,IwatchEthanwalktothebar.Helooksgoodinawaythatsuggestshe’scomfortableinformalwear,likeJamesBond.Andbam,justlikethat,IrealizeIhadtotallyforgottenaboutthecutegroomsman.Whenmyknightinshiningarmor—a.k.a.ablacktuxedo—returns,hehelpspropmyfootuponachairandstates,“There’saninepercentchanceofgettinginjuredataweddingreception.”
Asfarasopeninglinesto,it’snotthebest.Yet,hispreviousgallantrymorethanmakesupforit.“Thatseemstobeanawfullyhighnumber,”Ireply.“I’vebeentoalmosttwohundredweddingssofarandthisismyfirstinjury.Ifmycalculationsarecorrect,thatputsmyriskatpointfivepercent,nowherenearyourestimate.”
“Twohundredweddings?Youmustbequiteapopularfriend.”
Iinformhim,“I’mapartyplanner.I’mJazz’spartner.”
“Ah,wellthen,surelyyou’vehadablister,aburntfinger,orastiffneck?”Ilaugh.
“Ifyou’regoingtoincludeallthemundanediscomforts,I’dthinkyou’dbemoreaccuratetosaythere’sahundredpercentchanceofgettinginjuredatawedding.”
Heshakeshishead.“No,onlyninepercent,unlessmyresearchiswrong.”Withapointedlookheadds,“Whichitneveris.”
Whatkindofpersonresearchesinjuriesatweddings?So,Iask,“Whatexactlydoyoudoforaliving?”
“I’manactuary.Certainly,notasglamorousaprofessionaspartyplanning,butitpaysthebills.”
I’veheardthejobtitle,butIhavenoideawhatitentails.Kindoflikeanornithologist.Iknowit’ssomething.Ijustdon’tknowwhat.Atmyconfusedlook,heexplains,“Insurancecompaniesandbrokeragefirmshireactuariestoassessthefinancialriskofinvestmentsandpeople.Icurrentlyworkataninsurancecompanyandhelpsetrates,basedonthestatisticalprobabilityofnaturaldisastershittingcertaindemographics.Forinstance,earthquakeinsuranceintheMidwestcostsyounexttonothingcomparedtowhatitdoesinCalifornia,forareason.”
“Huh.”Ican’tseemtothinkofanyotherresponse.
“Itsoundslikeajobthatcouldborethepaintoffthewalls,doesn’tit?”helaughs.
Iflirt,“Luckyforme,Ilikenumbers.”EthansitswithmeforthenextthreehourswhileIicemyankle,tenminutesonandtwentyminutesoff,asperhissuggestionforthebesthealingeffects.
Aswegettoknoweachother,IwatchJazzflirtanddancewiththemanwhojustpromisedtoloveherforever.Dylanishandsdownthesweetest,funniest,andmostdevotedmanI’veevermet.Headoresmyfriendwithhiswholebeingandtreatsherlikedelicatechina,eventhoughshe’snotthekindofwomanyou’dwanttosneakuponinadarkalley.JazzyisonehundredpercentAmazonwithatouchofXenaWarriorPrincess.SheandDylanareperfectforeachother.
IwasonceinlovewithamanverymuchlikeDylananditdidn’tturnoutwell,whichiswhyI’mcurrentlyinthemarketforsomeonemorepractical.I’mlessconcernedwithgrandgesturesandflowerycompliments,thaninareliablepartnerwhowillbetherewhenthechipsaredown.
Throughoutthereception,notonlydoIdiscoverthatEthanadherestoastrictlyregimentedlife,butIalsolearnhe’salovelyman.Heevenoffers,“Wouldyoulikemetoseeyousafelyhome?Noulteriormotives,Ipromise.”
“It’skindofearlytoleave,don’tyouthink?”Andwhileheclaimsnoothermotivation,Iwouldn’tbeopposedtoalittleromance.
Helooksathiswatchandexplains,“Ipromisedmyneighbor,Mrs.Fein,I’dlookinonhercatwhileshe’saway.Apparently,Fifisuffersfromseparationanxietyandneedssomeonetobathertoymousearoundwithherbeforeshecangotosleep.”
Asthepartyiswindingdown,andIcanseethestaffhaseverythingwellinhand,there’snothingmoreformetodo.IallowEthantoescortmehome.Truetohisword,hedoesn’ttryanyfunnybusiness.Hejustgivesmeasweetkiss,leavingmewantingmore,andasks,“WhencanIseeyouagain?”
“Anytime,”Itellhim.Afterall,EthanisnothinglikeSam,whichmakeshimperfectforme,doesn’tit?
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