Plaguedwithanoveractiveimagination,LaurenAsherspendsherfreetimereadingandwriting.Herdreamistotraveltoalltheplacesshewritesabout.Sheenjoyswritingaboutflawedyetrelatablecharactersyoucan’thelploving.Shelikessharingfast-pacedstorieswithangst,steam,andtheemotionalspectrum.
Herextra-curricularactivitiesincludewatchingYouTube,bingingoldepisodesofParksandRec,andsearchingYelpfornewrestaurantsbeforechoosinghertrustedfavorite.Sheworksbestafterhermorningcoffeeandwillneverdenyanap.
Findheron:
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DiveintomyFormula1worldwithNoahandMaya,abrother’srivalforbiddenromance.
Collided
Astoryabouttwofriendswhocompleteanaughtybucketlisttogether.
Wrecked
Anenemies-to-loversforcedproximityromancefeaturingaFormula1badboyandhisPRagent.
Redeemed
Ifyoulikefakerelationshipromanceswithagrumpyhero,checkoutRedeemed.
TheFinePrint
Agrumpy-sunshineofficeromancefeaturingafairytalethemepark.
TermsandConditions
Amarriageofconveniencebetweenagrumpybossandhisassistant.Copyright
PublishedbyPiatkus
ISBN:978-0-349-43348-6
Allcharactersandeventsinthispublication,otherthanthoseclearlyinthepublicdomain,arefictitiousandanyresemblancetorealpersons,livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.
Copyright?2023byLaurenAsher
Themoralrightoftheauthorhasbeenasserted.
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www.hachette.co.ukContents
AbouttheAuthor
AlsobyLaurenAsher
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
ChapterOne:Alana
ChapterTwo:Cal
ChapterThree:Alana
ChapterFour:Cal
ChapterFive:Alana
ChapterSix:Cal
ChapterSeven:Alana
ChapterEight:Alana
ChapterNine:Cal
ChapterTen:Cal
ChapterEleven:Alana
ChapterTwelve:Alana
ChapterThirteen:Cal
ChapterFourteen:Alana
ChapterFifteen:Cal
ChapterSixteen:Cal
ChapterSeventeen:Alana
ChapterEighteen:Alana
ChapterNineteen:Alana
ChapterTwenty:Cal
ChapterTwenty-One:Alana
ChapterTwenty-Two:Cal
ChapterTwenty-Three:Cal
ChapterTwenty-Four:Alana
ChapterTwenty-Five:Alana
ChapterTwenty-Six:Alana
ChapterTwenty-Seven:Cal
ChapterTwenty-Eight:Alana
ChapterTwenty-Nine:Cal
ChapterThirty:Cal
ChapterThirty-One:Cal
ChapterThirty-Two:Alana
ChapterThirty-Three:Alana
ChapterThirty-Four:Cal
ChapterThirty-Five:Alana
ChapterThirty-Six:Cal
ChapterThirty-Seven:Cal
ChapterThirty-Eight:Alana
ChapterThirty-Nine:Cal
ChapterForty:Alana
ChapterForty-One:Cal
ChapterForty-Two:Alana
ChapterForty-Three:Alana
ChapterForty-Four:Cal
ChapterForty-Five:Alana
ChapterForty-Six:Cal
ChapterForty-Seven:Alana
ChapterForty-Eight:Cal
ChapterForty-Nine:Alana
ChapterFifty:Cal
ChapterFifty-One:Alana
ChapterFifty-Two:Cal
ChapterFifty-Three:Cal
ChapterFifty-Four:Alana
ChapterFifty-Five:Alana
ChapterFifty-Six:Cal
ChapterFifty-Seven:Cal
ChapterFifty-Eight:Cal
Epilogue:Alana
ExtendedEpilogue:Cal
AuthorNote
AcknowledgementsToeveryonewhohasbeenunderestimated
Ihopeyouproveeveryonewrong,includingyourself.VISITFILEDB.IOFORMOREFREEBOOKS
IfIhadknownIwasgoingtodietonight,Iwouldhavewornsexierunderwear.Orattheveryleast,Iwouldhavedressedinsomethingfarnicerthanmismatchedpajamasriddledwithholesandbleachstains.
Mymotherisprobablylecturingmefromheavenrightnow,wonderingwhereshewentwrongwithraisingme.
Perdoname,Mami.Deberíahaberleescuchado.
IdoaquicksignofthecrossbeforeIaimmyhandgunattheshadowstandingintheopendoorway.Myheartpoundsfuriouslyinmychest,thedurationbetweenbeatsgrowingsmallerbythesecond.“I’mgivingyouuntilthecountoffivetogetoutofmyhousebeforeIshoot.One…two…”
“Fuck.”Somethingheavysmacksagainstthewallbeforeaswitchflips,floodingtheentrywayofthehousewithlight.
MyholdontheguntightensasIcomeface-to-facewiththeonepersonIneverthoughtI’dseeagain.Ourgazescollide.Hisblueeyestracetheshapeofmyfacelikeaninvisiblecaress,sendingarushofwarmththroughmybody.
Despitetheblaringalarminmyheadwarningmetorunfarawayfromhim,Ican’tresisttakinginallsix-foot-four-inchesofCallahanKane.Everythingabouthimfeelsfamiliar,allthewaydowntotheacheinmychestthatneverleft,evenafterhedid.
Hiseasygoingsmile.
Hisunrulydirtyblondhair,alwaysunkeptandbeggingtobetamed.
Hisblueeyesthecoloroftheclearestsky,sparklinglikethesurfaceofthelakeunderthenoonsun.
It’sbeenoversixyearssinceIlastsawhim.Sixlongyearsthathavehardenedmeenoughtospothisallureforexactlywhatitis.
Atrap.
IfIlookcarefully,Icanspotthecracksinhisfa?adethathetriestohidebehindhisbeautyandcharm.Hewasalwayscarefulaboutlettingpeoplelooktoocloselyatthebrokenpersonbeneathhismask.Itwaswhatcapturedmyattentioninthefirstplaceandwhatresultedinmydownfall.
Iwastwenty-threewhenhebrokemyheart,yetthepainfeelslikeithappenedjustyesterday.Ratherthanignoreit,Ileanintothehurtanduseittofuelmyrage.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Isnap.
Hissmilefaltersbeforeslidingbackintoplace.“Excitedtoseeme?”
Imotionhimforwardwithmyfreehand.“Thrilled.Whydon’tyoucomealittleclosersoIcangetabettershot?I’dhatetomissanimportantorgan.”
Hiseyesflickerfrommyfacetotheguninmyhand.“Doyouevenknowhowtoshootthatthing?”
Myeyesnarrow.“Wanttofindout?”
“Wheredidyougetthat?”
“Agiftfrommymom.”Mychestswells
Hisbrowsraisetowardhishairline.“Se?oraCastilloboughtyouagun?Why?”
Ilowerthegunandflipthesafety.“Shealwayssaidawomanshouldbetwothings—armedanddangerous.”
Hismouthdropsopen.“Ithoughtshewasjokingabouthavingaguntokeepusinline.”
“NoteveryonegrewupinasafelittleChicagosuburbwitharotationofnanniesandafullwaitstaff.”
“ThesamecanbesaidaboutthosewhogrewupinahappylittlesummervacationtownwherethelocalcopcanbeboughtwithboozeandacrispBenjamin.”
Iscowl.“Foryourinformation,SheriffHankofficiallyretiredlastyear.”
“Apityfordelinquentteenseverywhere.”Hisbrightgrinwidens.
Butterfliestakeflightinmybelly.Withthewaymystomachdipsanddives,itfeelslikethousandsofthemawokeafterspendingthelastsixyearstrappedintheircocoons.
Hebrokeyourheart.Startactinglikeit.
Themusclesinmyshoulderstense.“Doyouplanonexplainingwhatyou’redoingbreakingintomyhouse,orarewejustgoingtostandaroundhereallnight?”
“Yourhouse?”Hisforeheadcreases.“Ithinkyou’remistaken.Mygrandfathermighthaveletyourfamilystayherebecauseyourmotherlooksaftertheproperty,butyoudon’townit.”
Mymomdidn’tjustlookaftertheKanehouse,butsheloveditlikeherowneversinceshewashiredbyBradyKanetomanagethepropertyandhelpwatchafterhisgrandchildren.
Yetheleftyoutheproperty,nother.
Mychestthrobs.“Accordingtoyourgrandfather’sdeedofthehouse,Ido.”
Hisbodystiffens.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“That’sbetweenmeandhim.”
“SeeingasIcan’texactlygoaskhimtoexplainsincehe’ssixfeetunderandall,I’mgoingtoneedyoutoelaborate.”
Thepainabovemyheartintensifies.“Hesaidthisismyproperty,andIhavearighttoshootanyonewhoquestionsotherwise.”
Hecrosseshisarmsagainsthischest,drawingmyeyestowardthemusclesstrainingbeneathhisshirt.“NowIknowyou’relying.Mygrandfatheralwayshatedguns.”
“Thenhowdoyouexplainhislittlecollectionintheattic?”
Herubshischin.“Whatcollection?”
Myheadtilts.“Maybeyoudidn’tknowyourgrandfatheraswellasyouthinkyoudid.”
“Oh,andyoudid?”Hischucklecomesoffcondescending.
Iraisemychin.“Hespenteverysinglesummerhereuntilhisaccident,soyeah,IthinkImightknowhimbetterthanthepersonwhocouldn’tevenbothertocallforhisbirthday.”
Hiseyesdartaway.“HeandIweren’texactlyonspeakingtermsbeforehiscoma.”
“Iwonderwhy.”Sarcasmseepsintomyvoice.
Herubsthebackofhisneck.“ImadealotofmistakesthelasttimeIwashere.”
“Likegettingtogetherwithme?”
Themuscleinhisjawflexes.“Ishouldn’thavepursuedyouthewayIdid.”
MychestmightfeelasifCalplungedaserratedknifethroughit,butmyfaceremainsdevoidofemotion—askillperfectedovertheyears.
“No,youreallyshouldn’thave.”Myfingerstightenaroundthehandleofthegun.
“Iregretruiningourfriendship.”
Theinvisibleknifetwists,sinkingdeeperintomyflesh.“Datingdidn’truinourfriendship.Youraddictionsdid.”
Painkillers.Alcohol.Sex.Calusedallofthemtoescapethedemonsinhishead,andIwastoostupidlyinlovetoseeotherwise.
Youcan’tblameyourselfwhenhewasamasterathidingit.
YetIstillstrugglewithbelievingthewordsItellmyself.Mythroattightensfromyears’worthofrepressedemotions,makingswallowingdifficult.
Hisjawclenches,andhissharpbonestructurestandsoutevenmore.“Believeitornot,Ididn’tdriveallthewayoutheretofightwithyouaboutourpast.”
“Thenwhyexactlydidyoucomehere?”OutofthehundredquestionsIwanttoaskhim,thatfeelslikethesafestone.
“Icametocheckoutthehouse.”
“Aftersixyears?Why?”
“BecauseIplanonsellingit.”
Iblinktwice.“No.Absolutelynothappening.”
“Lana—”Hisuseoftheoldnicknamehasmydeadheartsparkingwithrecognition.
Nowonderhethoughtyouweresoeasylasttime.Allittakesisonesillynicknameforyoutoletyourguarddown.
“Don’tcallmethat.”Mylipspullback.
“Alana,”hecorrectshimselfwithasmallfrown.“Idon’tknowwhatmygrandpatoldyou,butyoumusthavemisunderstoodhim.”
“Right.Ofcourse,youassumeImusthavemisunderstoodhim.”
Hiseyesnarrow.“Nowyou’rejustbeingdifficult.”
“Asopposedtowhat?Na?veandstupidlikethelasttime?”
Heignoresmyoutburstandcarrieson.“Wecanclearthisupeasily.Where’sthedeed?”
Ipauseandconsidertheconsofgivingintohisrequest.
Thesooneryoushowhimthedeed,thesoonerhe’llleave.
“I’llgogetit.”Imovetowardthestairsbeforethrowinghimalookovermyshoulder.“Don’tleavethatspot.”
“Andriskgivingyouareasontoshootme?I’mgood.”
Myreplyhangsonthetipofmytongue,butIbitedownonit.That’sthethingaboutCal.Hecanmakeanyoneforgetthatthey’reangrywithhimsolelybycrackingajokeandflashingasmile.Itishisgreatestsuperpowerandmypersonalkryptonite.
You’remorepreparednow.
OratleastIhopeIam.
Irunupstairsandputmyhandgunawayinthesafebeforesearchingmydocumentsforthedeed.Itonlytakesmeaminutetofinditstuckbetweenafewotherimportantlegalpapers.
CalchecksmyhandsasIwalkdownthestairs.“Nofirearmthistime?”
Ishrug.“Iknowfivedifferentwaystokillamanwithmybarehands,soit’snotlikeIreallyneedit.”
Hisgoldenskinturnspale.“Pleasetellmeyou’rejoking.”
IwishIwas.MymomsentmetoColombiatovisitmyuncleonesummer,andhehadnoideahowtoentertainmeotherthantohavemeworkathisfarmandteachmemixedmartialarts.Icamebackamonthlaterwithablackbeltinkickingpeople’sassesandenoughsurvivalskillstocompeteononeofthoseoutdoorrealityshows.
IplacethedeedontheentrytableandpointatBrady’ssignature.“There.JustlikeIsaid.”
Calstandsbesidemewhilehechecksoutthedeed.Heiscarefultokeephisdistanceashereads,butwhenheshiftshisweight,ourarmsaccidentallybrush.Acurrentofenergyrollsthroughmybody.He’squicktotuckhisarmsbehindhisback,althoughthelingeringeffectofhistouchremains.It’sbeensixyears,yetmybodyreactsasifheonlyleftyesterday.
Myfrowndeepens.
Cal’sheadshakesafterhereadstheentirepage.“I’msorry,butwhateverdeedhegaveyouisoutdated.”HepointsatthedatewrittenbesideBrady’ssignature.“Thiswassignedbeforehisupdatedwill.”
“Whatwill?”
“Theoneherewrotebeforehisaccident.”
MythroatfeelsasifCalwrappedhishandsarounditandsqueezed.
No.That’snotpossible.“I’mcallinghislawyerrightnowsowecanclearthisallup.”Imovetowardthestairs,desperatetogoupstairsandgrabmyphone.
Calcheckshisfancywatch.“It’salmostmidnight.IdoubtLeowouldansweracallatthistime.”
Icurseunderneathmybreath.
Hetuckshishandsintohispockets.“I’llcontacthiminthemorningsowecansortthisoutbeforetherealtorstopsby.”
“Whatrealtor?”
“TheoneIhiredtohelpmesellthehouse.”
“Exactlywhatpartof‘I’mnotsellingmyhouse’areyounotunderstanding?”
“Thefactthatyou’rereferringtothehouseasyourstobeginwith.”
Myfingerscurlintothemselves,formingtwotightfiststopreventmyselffromwrappingthemaroundhisthickneck.
Hiseyesdroptomyclenchedhandsbeforereturningtomyface.“Ithinkuntilwegetavalidexplanationfromthelawyer,weshouldtablethis.It’slateandwe’regettingnowhere.”Thefrontdoorcreaksasheopensit.
“Wait.”Iholdoutmyhand.“Givemeyourkey.”
Heignoresmeashedragshisluggageinside.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.”
“Well,you’resureashellnotstayinghere,”Isputter.
“Wheredoyouexpectmetogo?”
“ThemoteloffMainStreetprobablyhasavacantroom,plustheyhaveWi-FiandcoloredTVnow.”
Hislipspart.“Youcan’tbeserious.Theycaughtaserialkillerthereonce.”
Myeyesroll.“Hedidn’tactuallycommitanymurdersontheproperty.”
“Oh,thatmakesitallbetterthen.”
“Mommy,who’sthat?”Camilacallsfromthetopofthestairs.HerwideblueeyescheckCaloutbeforehergazeswingsbacktomine.
Iwaveheroffwithoutthinkinganythingofit.“Nobodyimportant.Gobacktobed,please.”
Cal’swideeyesshiftfromCamitome.“Whothefuckisthat,andwhyisshecallingyouMommy?”
“Don’tcurseinfrontofmykid.”Mywhispercomesoutmorelikeahiss.
“Kid?Howoldisshe?”Caltripsoverhisfeetinanattempttogetawayfromme,althoughheisquicktoregainhisbalance.
“Five!”Camiholdsupherhandlikesheiswaitingforsomeonetohigh-fiveher.
Allthecolordrainsfromhisfaceashereachesforthewall.“Five.That’s—She’s—We—”
“It’snot—”Myresponseiscutoffashiseyesrolltothebackofhishead.
Hislegsgiveoutfromunderneathhim,andhisbodyfallsforward.
“Shit!”Ireachforhim.
Ourlimbstangleaswebothgodown.MybreathisknockedoutofmeasIslamintothewornhardwoodfloor.Cal’sheadsmashesagainstmystomach,whichhurtsmorethanexpectedbutsoftenshisfall.I’mnotabletocatchhisheadintimebeforeitrollsoffmylapandsmacksagainstthefloor.Caldoesn’twinceasheliesonthefloor,completelyunconscious.
“Fuck.That’sgoingtohurt.”Irollhislimpbodybacktowardmebeforeliftinghisheadontomylap.
“Oooh.Mommy’sgottoputmoneyintheswearjar.”
IhaveafeelingaswearjaristheleastofmyworriesnowthatCallahanKanestormedbackintomylifewithadeadlysmileandabigproblem.Iblinkupattheceilingandwaitfortheblurrychandeliertocomeintofocus.Ittakesaminuteformyvisiontoclear,althoughmybrainremainsafuzzymess.
WhyamIonthefloor?
“Oh,thankGodyou’reawake.Areyouokay?”Lanaleansforward.Herdarkwavesbrushagainstmyface,ticklingmyskin.Shesmellslikesnickerdoodlecookies,remindingmeoflatenightsstayinguppastcurfewtogether,eatingrawcookiedoughwhilehangingoutonthedock.Myattempttoholdbackfromtakinganotherdeepbreathfails,andI’mhitwithasecondinhaleofhercinnamonscent.
Ican’trememberthelasttimeIdreamedofLana.Months?Years?Thisoneismorevividthanmyothers,nailingthesmallestdetailslikethetinybirthmarkonherneckintheshapeofaheartandthescarabovehercupid’sbow.
Ireachouttobrushthefaintwhitemarkaboveherlips,makingthetipsofmyfingerstingle.Theworldceasestoexistaroundmeashergazecrashesintomine.
God.Thoseeyes.
Herbrowneyesremindmeofthesoilrightafteritrains—withthembeingsodark,theylookblackincertainkindsoflight.It’sanunderratedcolorthatrivalsallothers,althoughLanaalwaysusedtodisagree.
Mythumbaccidentallygrazesherbottomlip,drawingasharpbreathfromher.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Shepullsaway.
Iwinceatthesharppaindrillingaholethroughthebackofmyskull.
You’renotdreaming,dumbass.
“Sorryaboutthat.Ididn’tmeantomakeithurtworse.”Sheliftsmyheadoffherlap.“HowmanyfingersamIholdingup?”
“Three,”Igrunt.
“Whatdayisit?”
“Maythird.”
“Wherearewerightnow?”Hernailsgrazemyscalp,sendingsparksshootingdownmyspine.
“Hell,”Ihiss.
“Didthathurt?”Sherepeatsthesamemove.Myskinburnsfromhertouch,andheatspreadsthroughoutmyveinslikewildfire.
“Stop.I’mfine.”Ipullawayandslideacrosstheflooruntilmybackhitsthewalloppositeher.DespitethedistanceIgain,thespicycinnamonsmellofherbodywashstickstomyclothes.It’sthesameaddictiveoneshehasbeenusingforyears.
ItakeanotherdeepinhalebecauseclearlyImustenjoytorturingmyself.
God.You’repathetic.Ismackmyheadagainstthewall,anditthrobswithretaliation.
“Here,mister.Foryourboo-boo.”
Oh,shit.
Alanahasadaughter.Afive-year-olddaughterwithdirtyblondhairandbigblueeyeseerilylikemine.Withmesittingdown,we’renearlythesameheight,althoughshehasacoupleofextrainchesonmefromthisangle.
Alana’schild—possiblymychild—staresdownatmewithroundeyesandpajamasthatarebuttonedincorrectly.Herhaircolorbordersonlightbrown,withmostofthewavystrandsfallingoutofherpoorlyconstructedponytail.
Isshemine?
God,Ihopenot.
Thethoughtisshittybuttrue.I’mnotreadytobeafatheryet.Hell,I’mnotsureifI’lleverbeready.Untilthispoint,Iwassatisfiedwithbecomingthecoolunclewhoneverreallygothislifetogetherintimetohaveanykids.HowcouldIwhenI’monlyabletodothebareminimumformyself?
Thekidshakesanicepackinfrontofmyfacewhileshebouncesonthetipsofhertoes.Ireachoutmindlesslyandgrabitfromher.
“Areyouokay?”
Iwinceatthesoundofthechild’svoice.ItremindsmeofLana’s,rightdowntotheslightraspshehas.Anotherdizzyspellhitsme.
Lanarisesandkissesthetopofherdaughter’shead.“Thankyou,baby.That’ssweetofyoutohelphim.”
“Doweneedadoctor?”
“No.Hejustneedstogetsomerest.”
“Andastrongdrink,”Igrumble.
Lanaturnstowardherdaughter.“See?He’sgoodenoughtomakebaddecisionsagain.Alliswellintheworld.”
Hernosetwitches.“Thatdon’tmakesense.”
Lanasighs.“I’llexplaininthemorning,miamor.”
“But—”
Lanapointstowardthestairs.“Veteadormirahoramismo.”
God.Shelooksandsoundsjustlikehermother.
Maybebecausesheisamother.
Mybodygoesnumb.
Areyouhavingaheartattack?
Fromthewaymyleftarmtinglesandmyheartfeelslikeitmightlaunchitselfoutofmychest,Iwouldn’truleitout.
Thekidpointsatmewithachubbyfinger.“Hedon’tlooksogood.”
“He’llbefine.He’sjustgotaheadache.”
“Maybeyourkisswillmakeitallbetterlikemyboo-boos.”
“No,”LanaandIbothsayatthesametime.
“Okay.Nokisses.”Thechildcrossesherarmswithapout.
Lana’seyesdiptowardmymouth.Hertonguedartsouttotraceherbottomlip,turningthetipsofmyearspink.
You’rehopeless.Completelyandutterlyhopeless.
“Willyoureadmeastory?”Thekidinterruptsus,hervoicehavingthesameeffectasanicebucketonmymood.
Couldshereallybemine?WouldLanahideakidfrommeforyearssolelybecauseshehatesme?
Theroomspinsaroundme.Ishutmyeyestoavoidlookingatmymini-meandAlana.
“Camila,”Lanawarns.
“Youstillbothowetheswearjar,”herdaughterremindsher.
IcanpictureLanarollinghereyesasshesays,“Remindmeinthemorning.”
“Okay!”Thesoundoffeetslappingagainstthewoodstairsechoesoffthetallceilings.
Lanadoesn’tspeakuntiladoorclicksclosedinthedistance.“She’sgonenow,soyoucanstoppretendingtobeasleep.”
Istareupatthechandelier.“Isshe—”NomatterhowhardItry,Ican’tfinishthesentence.Lananeverseemedlikethetypetohideasecretlikethis,butpeopledocrazythingstoprotecttheonestheylove,especiallyfromthosethatwillhurtthem.
Maybethat’swhyGrandpagaveLanathedeedtothehouse.HecouldhavethoughtIwasdoingashittyjobsupportingmykid,sohetookcharge.
Assumingheleftherthehouseinthefirstplace.
“Isshewhat?”Lanapresses.
“Mine?”
Sheblinks.“Didyouseriouslyjustaskmethat?”
“Justanswerme.”Myfearmorphsintoagitation.I’mnotquicktogiveintomyanger,butbetweentheearlysignsofaheadacheandlearningaboutachildwhoIdidn’tknowexisted,mypatienceisrunningthin.
“Woulditmatterifsheis?”
Lana’squestionfeelslikeatrap,yetIwillinglyfallintoitanyway.“Yes.No.Maybe.Fuck!Idon’tknow.Isshe?”Irunmyhandsthroughmyhairandtugatthestrands,makingthetenderskinthrob.
“Ifyou’reactuallyaskingmethat,thenyoumustnotknowmeatall.”
Iscrambletomyfeet,ignoringtheunsteadinessasIrisetomyfullheight.“Whatdoyouexpectmetothink?It’snotlikeweleftthingsongoodtermsthelasttimewesaweachother.”
“SoyouassumeI’dkeepyourchildawayfromyoubecauseofmypersonalfeelings?”
“Eitherthatoryoumovedonprettydamnfastfromthesoundofit.”It’sanawfulthingtosay.Anangry,judgmental,stupid-as-fuckstatementthatIregretthemomentitcomesout.Ican’tevenblamealcoholthistime,whichonlymakesmyoutburstthatmuchworse.
Thetemperatureintheroomdrops.
“Getout,”shewhispers.
Iremainfrozeninplace.“Shit.I’msorry.Idon’tknowwhyIsaidthat.Imean,IknowwhyIsaidit,butIshouldn’thave—”
“GetthehelloutofmyhousebeforeIcallthecopstoescortyououtthemselves.”Sheturnsawayfromme.Thewayhershouldersshakewitheachdeepexhaleaddstothechurningsensationinmystomach.
“Alana—”
Sheturnsonherheelsandpointsatthedoor.“?Lárgate!”
Idon’tneedGoogleTranslatetohelpmeoutwiththatone.
Iholdmyhandsupinsubmission.“Okay.I’mleavingnow.”
You’rejustgoingtogowithoutgettinganyanswers?
Asopposedtowhat?TheLanaIknewneededtocalmdownbeforeshecamearoundtotalking.IlearnedalongtimeagothatifIpushedhertoohardtoosoon,shewouldonlyshovemefurtheraway.
Igrabthehandleofmysuitcaseandwalkoutthefrontdoor.
“Wait.”
Ipauseonthedoormat,myfeetpressingintothefadedsinpostrenoentranletters.
“Givemethesparekey.”Shestepsforwardandholdsoutherhand.
Herringlesslefthand.
Whatdoesitmatter?It’snotlikeyou’reheretogetherback.
Iholdontothatthought,replayingittwicebeforeslidingmyusualsmileintoplace.
Hernostrilsflare.“Thekey,Callahan.”
Itakeasecondtoretrievethesilverkeyfrommypocket.WhenLanareachesforit,herfingersbrushagainstmyskin,sendingajoltofelectricitystraightthroughmybody.Shesnatchesherhandbackandguardsitagainstherchest
Shemusthavefeltthesamething.
Great.AtleastIcangotosleeptonightknowingthatalthoughshemighthateme,herbodyisn’tonthesamepage.
You’reridiculousforbelievingthat’ssomekindofaccomplishment.
Sheslamsthedoorshut.Ijumpbackwardtoavoidapotentialbrokennoseandtipmyluggageover.
Ibangmyheadagainstthewooddoorwithagroan.“Whatwereyouthinkingbysendingmehere,Grandpa?”
Thedeadboltslidesintoplacebeforethelightabovemeshutsoff.
“Youcouldn’tbotherwaitinguntilIgotintothecar?”Idon’texpectaresponse,butIsaythewordsaloudanyway.
Onebyone,thelightssurroundingthewraparoundporchturnoff,furtheremphasizingLana’spoint.
Getlost.
IreleaseaheavysighasIreturntomyAstonMartinDBS.Theenginerumblestolife,andIholdmybreathforafewseconds,halfexpectingLanatocomeoutwieldinghergunandthreateningtocallthecopsagain.Awholeminutepasseswithoutthefrontdooropening,soIconsideritsafetoturnontheoverheadlightandsearchmyglovecompartmentforGrandpa’sletter.
Theenvelopeishiddenattheverybottom,rightwhereIleftitalmosttwoyearsagowhenhepassed.Whilemybrothersrushedtocompletemygrandfather’staskstoreceivetheirinheritanceandKaneCompanyshares,includingRowanworkingatmyfamily’sfairytalethemeparkandDeclangettingmarried,IdidwhatIdobest.
Avoidwhatscaresme.
Procrastinatingnevergetsyouanythingbuttrouble.
ItraceoverthebrokenwaxsealoftheDreamlandcastlebeforeIplucktheletteroutfrominside.Myeyesshut,andItakeafewdeepinhalesbeforeunfoldingthepieceofpaper.
Callahan,
Ifyou’rereadingthisversionofmyfinalletter,thatmeansImusthavepassedbeforewetalkedoutourdifferencesandforgaveoneanotherforwhatwesaid.WhileI’mdevastatedthatthisisthecase,Iwanttomakethingsrightbetweenuswithmylastwillandtestament.Theysaymoneycan’tsolveeverything,butI’msureitcanmotivateyouandyourbrotherstostepoutsideofyourcomfortzonesandembracesomethingnew.Outofmythreegrandchildren,youwerealwaystherisk-taker,soIhopeyourisetoonemorechallengeforme.
Betweenus,Itriednottoplayfavorites,butyoumadeitnearlyimpossible.Thereissomethingspecialaboutyou—somethingthatyourbrothersandfatherlack—thatdrawspeoplein.Youalwayshadthislightwithinyouthatcouldn’tbesnuffedout.
Atleastnotbyanyonebutyou.
Ithurtmetowatchwhatmadeyouuniquedisappearasalcoholanddrugsbecameyourcrutch.Atfirst,Iexcuseditbecauseyouwereyoungandimmature.Ithoughtmaybeyou’doutgrowit.Afterrehab,youseemedbetter.Itwasn’tuntilIreallyspenttimewithyouatthelakeafewyearslaterthatIrealizedyoujustgotbetterathidingit.
IwillalwaysregretthethingsIsaidtoyouduringourlasttalk.Backthen,Iwasangryatmyselffornotsteppinginsooner—fornotatleastcheckinginonyouonceyouwerepermanentlybenchedfromhockey—anddoingthebareminimumbecauseIwastooconsumedbymyjobtotakethetime.Youweresufferingafteryourinjuryinawaynoneofuscouldunderstand,althoughIshouldhavemadeanefforttotry.
IwishIhadswallowedmyprideandapologizedsooner,soyoudidn’thavetoreaditinthisletter.Betteryet,IwishIhadneverusedyouraddictionagainstyouandsaidallthosehurtfulthingsIdidinthefirstplace,thinkingitwouldbeapushintherightdirection.
Youwereneverafailure,kid.
Iwas.
Invisibleclawssinkintomychest,diggingtheirwaythroughyears’worthofscartissuetotakeastabatmyheart.Grandpamightregretwhathesaid,buthewasright.Iamafailure.Whatelsewouldyoucallsomeonewhotriedtogetsoberontwoseparateoccasions,onlytorelapsenottoolongafter?Weak.Pathetic.Miserable.Theoptionsareendless,butIthinkfailuresumsitupperfectly.
Itakeacleansingbreathandcontinuereading.
Gettingsoberisn’tagoal,it’sajourney.YOURjourney.AndasmuchasIwantedyoutogethealthy,Iwentaboutitallthewrongway.Thereisn’tadaythatgoesbywhenIdon’twonderwhatmighthavehappenedifIsupportedyouratherthanturnedmybackonyou.Wouldyouhavebeeninterestedinfindingyourplacewithinthecompanybecauseyounolongerresenteditsconnectiontome?OrwouldyouhavebeenexcitedtomarryAlanaandworkongivingSe?oraCastilloallthosegrandkidsshewanted?
ThereareahundreddifferentwaysIwanttoshowhowI’msorry,butmyoptionsarelimitedfromtheafterlife.Hopefullyoneday—ifyoupullyourselftogetherandall—wecanbereunited.Butuntilthen,mywillisthebestIcando.
So,tomylittlerisk-taker,Ihaveonethingtoaskofyouinexchangefor18%ofthecompanysharesandatwenty-five-billion-dollarinheritance:
SpendonelastsummerattheLakeWisteriahousebeforesellingitbythesecondanniversaryofmydeath.
Irereadthesentencetwiceuntileverythingclicksintoplace.
Oh,shit.
HewantsmetoliveherewithLana.
Ofcourse.Andtomakemattersworse,asiftheyweren’talready,mygrandpaputsthefinalnailinmycoffinwithasinglerequest.
Iaskthatnooneoutsideofyourbrothersandmylawyerknowsthetruereasonbehindsellingthehouseuntilitissold.
Fantastic.WhateverchanceIhadatappealingtoLana’shumanityorpocketbookisstolenawayfrommewithonelastwishfrommygrandfather.Iswearheisprobablysippingastrawberrymargaritafromtheafterlife,gleefullywatchingmylifeimplode.
LookslikeallIneedtodotoearnmysharesofthecompanyandtwenty-fivebilliondollarsisconvinceLana—theonlywomanintheworldwhowouldrathershootmyassthansaveit—toletmesellthehouse.
Timetoinvestinabulletproofvest.IslidethecurtainbackintoplacewithashakyhandasCal’staillightsdisappeardownthedriveway.WhateversemblanceofcontrolIhadovermyemotionsbreaks,realitypunchingmeinthefacewithasetofbrassknuckles.
Calisback.
Iwanttocry.Iwanttoyell.IwanttosendhimrunningallthewaybacktoChicago.
Everythingaboutseeinghimagainhurts.Likesomeonepulverizedmyheartuntilitisunrecognizable.
Ihatehowhestillmakesmychestachefromasimplesmile,almostasmuchasIhatethewayIwantedtopullhimintomyarmsandbeghimtoneverleaveagain.
Haveyoulearnednothingafterthelasttime?
Icutmyselfalittleslack.Calturnedmylifeupsidedownagain,andmymindisstilltryingtocatchup.Toeasethesickfeelingbuildinginmystomachthathasn’tgoneawaysinceheshowedupatmydoorstep,Iswallowafewlungfulsofair.
Hewasneversupposedtocomeback.ThelasttimeIsawhim,hepromisedmeasmuch.
Areyoureallysurprised?Sincewhenisheamanofhisword?
Ithoughthewouldrespectmeandourpastenoughtohonorhisvow.
Youwereafool.
No.Iwasdesperateenoughtobelievehim,evenwhenhewasinthemiddleofbreakingmyheart.
“Cal?”
Heignoresmeashecontinuesthrowingclothesintotheopensuitcaseontopofhisbed.
Istepinsidehisroomandshutthedoorbehindme.“Whereareyougoing?”
Hedoesn’tsomuchasacknowledgeme.
“What’swrong?”Iplacemyhandonhisshoulderandgiveitasqueeze.
Hetenses,chokingtheshirtcaughtwithinhisclenchedfist.“Notnow,Alana.”
Alana?Sincewhendoeshecallmebymyfullname?
Iwalkaroundhimanddropontothebed.“Whyareyoupacking?”
“I’mleaving.”Hisvoicecomesoutflat.
Mybrowstugtogether.“DidsomethingcomeupinChicago?”
“No.”
Somethingaboutthetensioninhisbodyandthewayheavoidseyecontacthasmyheartracinginmychest.“Okay…”Ituckmylegsunderneathme.“Howlongareyougoingtobegonefor?”
Hepauseshiserraticpacking.“I’mnotcomingback.”
Mylaughquicklyfadesatthepinchedexpressiononhisface.
Iriseontomykneessowecanbeeyelevelwitheachother.“What’sgoingon?Didsomethinghappenatdinnerwithyourgrandpa?”
Hisfisttightensaroundashirt.“Ican’tdothisanymore.”
“Youcan’tdowhatanymore?”
Hisgazeslidesfromhissuitcasetomyface.“Us.”
Mychestfeelslikealightningboltsplititinhalf.“What?”Thebrokenwhisperbarelymakesitpastmylips.
God.It’sthesamespeechmydadgavemymomthedayheabandonedourfamily.Exceptinsteadofwatchingmyfatherpackhisbags,it’sCal.
Ishakemyhead.
No.Calisn’tyourfather.Hewouldneverabandonyoulikethat,especiallyafterhepromisedtoloveyouforever.
“Weshouldhavenevergottentogether,”hesayssoftly.
MyeyesburnasifIkeptthemopenwhilesubmergedinsaltwater.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
“YouandI…Itwasstupidofmetothinkwewouldbeagoodmatch.”
Isuckinabreath.Hegrabsabottleofvodkaoffthenightstandandchugsuntiltheclearliquiddribblesdownhischin.Mystomachchurnsathisdrinking,butIignoretheacidcrawlingupmythroat.
Heissuffering,Irationalize.
Thisisonlytemporarywhilehecopeswiththeendofhiscareer,Irepeattheexcuseforthemillionthtimethissummer.
Icradlehisheadbetweenmyhands,ignoringthewaytheytrembleagainsthischeeks.“Youdon’tmeanthat.”
“Ido.”
Myfingerspressintothesidesofhisface.“Justtalktomeandtellmewhat’shappening.”
Hisredeyesdartaway.“Idon’thaveanythingelsetosay.”
“Ithoughtyouwere…happy.”
“No,Alana.Iwashigh.”Hisupperlipcurls.
Irearback.“What?”
That’snotpossible.CalknowshowIfeelaboutdrugs.I’vehadthesamenegativestanceonthemeversincemysisteroverdosedthefirsttime.
“HowelsedoyouthinkImadeitthroughthismiserablesummerrecoveringfrommyinjurywhilemyteamwasoutcelebratingtheirbigchampionship?”
Miserablesummer?
Iignorethesharppainreverberatingthroughmybody,knowinghecan’tpossiblymeanthataftereverythingwehavesharedtogether.“YouseemedokaywheneverIaskedaboutit.”
“BecauseItookenoughOxytomakemefeelthatway.”
Itakeadeepbreath.“Okay.Well,nowthatIknow,Icanmakesureyougethelp.You’renotthefirstpersontostrugglewithanopioidaddictionafteraninjury.”Myvoiceremainslightdespitetheheavinessweighingmedown.
“Idon’twanthelp.”Hepullsawaybeforepressingthevodkabottleagainsthislipsanddrinkingsomemore.
Isnatchitawayfromhim.“You’rebetterthanthis.”
Themuscleinhisjawticks.“AmI?Orareyoutooblindedbyyourlovetoseetherealme?”
Myvisionblurs.“I’mnotblind.”Hopeful,sure,butnotoblivioustotheissueshappeninghere.Ijustthoughtwecouldworkononeproblematatime,startingwithhisdepression.
“Pleasedon’tmakethisharderthanitneedstobe,Alana.”
Theholeinmychestwidensathisuseofmyfullname,thesingleletteraddingdistancebetweenus.“No.Don’tAlaname.I’mnotgoingtogiveupbecauseyou’reafraid.Wecangetthroughthistogether.”
Heshakeshishead.“You’renotunderstandingme.Thisisover.”
“Whatisover?”
“Us.”
Iliftmytremblingchin.“No.”
Hereleasesaheavybreath.“Whatwedidthissummer…allofitwasamistake.AhugeoneImadebecauseIwastoodrunkandhightoknowbetter.”
ThecrackinmyheartwidensuntilI’mafraiditmightbreakinhalf.“Youdon’tmeanthat.”Myvoicequakes.
“Ido.”Hezipsuphissuitcaseandplacesitonthewoodfloor,leavingafewpiecesofclothingscatteredacrosshisbed.
“Irefusetobelievethat.”Ijumpoffthebedandstepbetweenhimandthedoor.
“Ignoringthetruthwon’tmakeitanylessreal.”
“Thensaythetruth!Stopwiththisbullshitaboutusbeingamistake!Iknowhowyoufeelaboutme.Aboutus.”
Hemighthavebeenhighforsomeofit,butIknowhemeantallthethingsheconfessed.Thefuturehepaintedofourlivestogether.Thepromiseshemadetomeabouthislove.Thewisheshehadaboutusandthefamilyhewantedtohaveoneday.
Hiseyesshut.“IwishIhadnevercomebackhere.Itwasselfishofmewhenyou’rethelastpersonIeverwantedtohurt,”hewhispersasheclutchesontothehandleofhisluggage.
“Youtoldmeyouwouldn’teverleaveme.”Hepromised.It’stheonlyreasonIlethimshatterourfriendshipwithasinglekiss.BecauseIwasjustasinvestedinourfutureasacoupleasheseemedtobe.
Helooksupatmewithcloudyeyes.“I’msorry.”
Thefightleavesmealongwithanyhopeofhimstaying.“Youwanttoleave?”
Sayno.
Henods.Thistime,thethrobbingsensationinmychestisnumbedbysomethingfarstronger.
Anger.
Myhandscurlintofists.“Fine.Thendon’teverbothercomingback.”I’mnotsurewhatwouldhappentomeifhedid,soIwouldrathernotfindout.
Hisjawticksagain.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
“Yes.”Thetwingeinmychestdoesn’tagree.
“Anythingforyou.”Hesighs.
“Swearit,”Istateinaflatvoicedespitethewaymyvisionblursfromunshedtears.
“Ipromisenottocomebackhere.”Herollshisluggagetowardthedoor.Hishandhesitatesaroundtheknobbeforehelooksback.“I’msorryforhurtingyou.IwishIwasdifferent.Stronger.Sober.”
Iwrapmyarmsaroundmyselfandturnaway,hidingthetearsstreamingdownmycheeks.Withonelastsigh,Calshutsthedoortohisroom,leavingmealonetocrumble.Ipullmylegsupagainstmychestandcryuntilmyeyesswellandmyheadfeelslikeitmightexplode.
I’mnotsurehowlongIstayinhisbedroom,cryingmyselfhoarse,allwhilewishingforCaltocomebackandclaimthatthisallwassomesickjoke.
BradyKanecomesintotheroomwithfurrowedwhitebrows.“WheredidCalgo?”
Ilookupathimwithtear-stainedcheeks.“Heleft.”
Thewrinkledskinaroundhisblueeyessoftensashetakesmein.“Oh,Alana.”Hepullsmeintohisarms.“I’msosorry.Ithoughtsomethinglikethismighthappen.”
“How?”
Hislipspresstogether.
Moretearsleakfrommyeyes.“Whywasn’tIgoodenough?”Formydad.ForAntonella.ForCal.ItalwaysfeelsasifI’mfightingeveryonetostaywhenalltheywanttodoisleave.
Herubsmyback.“Thishasnothingtodowithyou.”
“Doesn’tit?IfCallovedme,hewouldhavestayed.Hewouldhavefoughtforus.”
“Hecan’tevenfightforhimselfrightnow,letaloneyou.”
Ishakemyhead.“Ididn’twanthimtogo.”
“Anyonewhohasspenttimearoundyoutwowouldknowthat.”
Theacheinmychestintensifies.“ButImadehimpromisetonevercomeback.”
Hishandmovesinsmall,soothingcircles.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
IsobagainstBrady’schest.“Yes?No?Idon’tknow.”
“Thingswillbeokay.I’llmakesureofit.”
ExcepthereIam,sixyearslaterandstillfeelingeverythingbutokay.
Thingsaredifferentnow.You’renotthesamebroken-heartedgirlanymore.
Aren’tI,though?BecauseallittakesisoneinteractionwithCalformetoremembereverythingIspentthelastsixyearstryingtoforget.
Thecurveofhislipsasheflashesmeasmile.
Thetuginmychestthatalwaysdrawsmebacktohimdespitealltheyearsofhurt.
Thewarmththatspreadsthroughmybodywheneverhecracksajoke,threateningtomelttheicewrappedaroundmyheart.
Apartofyoustillloveshim.
Iboltfromthecouchandescapetomybedroom,althoughtheunwelcomethoughtfollowsaftermelikeadark,threateningstormcloud.
Justbecauseyoulovehimdoesn’tmeanyou’reinlovewithhim,thereasonablevoicespeaksup.
Truthis,apartofmewillalwaysloveCal.It’simpossiblenottowithovertwodecadesofsharedhistory,butIwillneverbeinlovewithhim—atleastnotagain.ImadethatmistakeonceandIlostmyheartintheprocess.
ButunlikethelasttimeCalshowedupatLakeWisteria,thistimeisdifferent.
I’mdifferent.
Andnothinghesaysordoeswillchangethat.Duringmydrivetothemotel,Itakeinthesleepytown.ThebrickbuildingsalongMainStreetarethesameonesfrommychildhood,althoughtheyhavehadtheirpaint,awnings,anddecorupdatedovertheyears.Fromthegeneralstorethatopenedduringtheheightofprohibitiontothepharmacythathasn’tbeenrenovatedsincethefifties,everythingaboutLakeWisteriaisfamiliar.Quaint.Happy
Ididn’tthinkIwouldseethetownagain.WhenIsworenottoreturn,Imademypeacewithnevercomingbacktotheoneplacethatalwaysfeltlikehome.
Itwasn’ttheplaceitself,butaspecialpersonwhomadeitfeelthatway.
WhileLakeWisteriaanditsthreehundredresidentswerewarmandwelcoming,LanaCastillowastheonereasonIreturnedtothelakesidetowneverysinglesummer.
Atleastuntilshehadmepromisetonevercomeback.
Foragoodreason.
Mychesttightens.IspeedpastthestoresattheendoftheroadandtakeahardlefttowardthemotelinspiredbythosealongRoute66,withalit-upsignadvertisingtelephones,coloredTV,andair-conditioning.It’sasifIweretransportedtoatimewhenwomendidn’thavetherighttovote.
Fabulous
ThebuzzfromthevintageneonlightfillsthesilenceasIstepoutofmycarandwalktowardtheofficeatthebottomcornerofthemotel.
AwomanIdon’tthinkI’vemetbeforegivesmetheworststink-eyeandametalkeytothegrimiestroomintheplace,bothofwhichI’mprettysurewereonpurpose.Ifitweren’tforthestockedminifridgefilledwithadecentselectionofalcohol,Iwouldhavepassedonthistraumaticexperiencealtogether.Idrainthelastbitofvodkafrommyflaskbeforepluckingthebestminibottleofvodkafromthefridge.
Itendtomakepoordecisionswhenunderduress.Choicesthatusuallyleadtomegettingsodrunk,IforgetthereasonforwhyIstarteddrinkinginthefirstplace.It’sashittycopingmechanism,butIusuallyonlyhavetwomodes:takingsmallsipsfrommyflaskthroughoutthedaytotaketheedgeoffmyanxietyorgettinghammeredbecauseIcan’tstopdrinking.Thelatterusuallyhappensonlyonceortwiceaweekdependingonthestressors,butwhenitdoes,I’moutofcommission.
Icanfeelitinmybonesthatthiseveningwillbeoneofthosekindsofnights.Inalast-ditchefforttostopapanicattack,IcallIris.
“Hey.What’sup?”Iris’syawnmakesthespeakercrackle.Icanalwayscountonmysister-in-lawtoanswerthephoneatanytimeofthedayornight.Itmightdrivemyolderbrothercrazy,butIriswasmybestfriendlongbeforesheeverbecameDeclan’swifelessthanayearago,soIgetexclusiveprivileges.
“I’mcurrentlystayingatamotelstraightoutofatruecrimeepisode.Literally.”Ishutmyeyesasifthatcoulderasethememoryofthestainsonthecarpet.
“Whathappenedtosleepingatthelakehousetonight?”
“TurnsoutGrandpaforgottomentionthatLanastilllivesthere.”
“AreyoutalkingabouttheLana?”
“Theoneandonly.Plottwist:ShehasachildIhadnoideaabout.”Ichugtheremainingbitofvodkafromtheminibottle.
Sincewhenhasdrinkingsolvedanyofyourproblems?
I’mnotlookingtosolvethem.I’mtryingtonumbthem.
Irissucksinabreath.“Whenwasthelasttimeyouhadsexwithher?”
“Aroundwhenshegotpregnant—giveortakeamonth,Iguess.Ididn’tpulloutacalendarandaskforthekid’sbirthdaybeforeLanakickedmeout.”
“Wait.Youdon’tknowifthekidisyoursornot?”
Irubthesleepfrommyeyes.“WhenItriedtoclarify,shewasn’texactlyopentospeakingaboutit.”
Iriscursesunderherbreath.“Doesthekidlooklikeyou?”
“Herhairisabitdarker,buthereyesareanearperfectmatchtomine.”
Shegasps.“It’sagirl?”
“Surprise.”Itossthebottleinthedirectionofthetrashcan,butthankstomysuckyaim,itlandsawholefootaway.There’sareasonIplayedhockeyoverbasketball,andthatrightthereprovesit.
“Noneedtofreakoutjustyet.Youdon’tevenknowifthekidisyours.”
“Lanadidn’ttaketookindlytomewhenIinsinuatedshemightbe.”Suggestingsuchathingwasn’tmyfinestmoment.Neitherwasmycommentabouthersleepingwithsomeonesosoonafterwebrokeup,butIletmyemotionsgetthebestofme.
Youhavenorighttobeangryatherforwhatshedidafteryouendedthings.
Easiersaidthandone.I’mnotthekindofpersonwhousuallygetsjealous,butIsenseitfesteringinsideofme,searchingforanoutlet.
“Pleasetellmeyoudidn’taskherlikethat.”
“Okay.Iwon’t.”Isearchtheminifridgeforanotherbottle.SinceIalreadyclearedthefridgeofallthevodka,I’mstuckchoosingbetweentequilaandFireball.
Andhereyouthoughtyournightcouldn’tgetanyworse.
IgrabtheplasticbottleofFireballandshutthedoorwithmyfoot.
Irisgroans.“SometimesIquestionwhetherornotyoutrulyareagenius.”
“YouandIboth.”Ifitweren’tformyparentsforcingmeintogiftedclassesallthroughoutmylife,I’dthinktheyliedtomesolelysoIwaschallengedenoughinschooltoavoidgettingintrouble.
“Therehastobeanexplanationforthis.BasedonthestoriesyousharedaboutLana,Idoubtshewouldkeepachildfromyou—nomatterhowmuchshedislikesyou.”
“Well,Iplanongettingananswerfromhertomorrowmorningifit’sthelastthingIdo.”
“Whatareyougoingtodoifthekidisyours?”
“Besidesdrinkmyselfintoanalcohol-inducedcoma?”Itwistofftheredcapandtakeawhiffofthecinnamon-scentedliquor.UnlikeLana’swarmscent,thisonemakesmystomachchurn.IignorethenauseaasIchug,cravingthereliefonlyalcoholcanprovide.
Irishuffs.“That’snotevenremotelyfunny.”
Istopdrinkingtoanswerher.“Ifshe’smine,thenI’llbringitupwithGrandpa’slawyerwhenIcallhimtomorrow.”
“WhydoyouneedtospeakwithLeo?”
“There’sa…complication.”
“Whatkindofcomplication?”Worryseepsintohervoice,makingmefeelshittyforcallingherinthefirstplace,onlytostressherout.
“Don’tworryaboutit.”Islurtowardtheendofmysentence.
“Areyoudrunk?”
“Nope.”Okay,I’malittledrunk,butIdon’twanttoworryIriswithmyissues.
Herdeepsighechoesthroughthespeaker.“Ithoughtyouweredoingbetter.”
Ifbydoingbetter,shemeansdoingbetterathidingmyissuesfromeveryone,thenyes,Iam.
“TurnsoutI’minacelebratingmood.”
“Cal.”It’samazinghowasinglewordcanholdsomuchdisappointment.
Ipickatthelabelonthebottle.“Whatdoyouexpect?I’minthemiddleofacrisisrightnow.”
“Isitreallyconsideredacrisisifit’saconstantstateofbeingforyou?”Declangrumblesontheothersideoftheline.
“Dammit,Iris.Washelisteningtousthiswholetime?”
“It’snotlikeIhavemuchofachoicewhenyou’retheonecallingattwoa.m.,”Declanrepliesforher.
“Ineedthemoralsupport.”
“Oracongratulationsbasedonthenews.”
“Didyoujustcrackajokeaboutmepossiblybeingafather?”Horrorcreepsintomyvoice.
“It’seitherthatoryellatyouabouthavingunprotectedsex.”
“I’dreallyratherthat.”I’mhonestlyupforanythingbutmybrothermakingjokesaboutmebecomingadad.Idon’tknowwhatcalledforsuchachangeinhischaracter,butIcanonlyimagineithastodowithIris
DeclanwhisperssomethingIdon’tquitecatch.Irisgigglesbeforethelinegoesdead.
“Iris?”Icheckthescreenforadroppedcall.Itstilllookslikesheisconnected,butnosoundscomefromherendoftheline.
Sheputyouonmute.“Don’tmindme.I’mjustonthevergeofhavingamentalbreakdown.”
“Sorry!Declanneededtoaskmesomething.”Herbreathyvoicesendsafull-bodyshudderthroughme.
“I’lljustcallyoutomorrowmorningwhenmybrotherisn’tbusydoingwhatevermakesyousoundlikethat.”
“Wait!”Shemustmutethecallagainbeforecomingbackthirtysecondslater.“ItoldDeclantogivemetenminutes.”
Idropface-firstontothebed,wishingthefallwouldknockmeout.“I’mnotsurewhyIthoughtcallingyouwasagoodidea,butIregretitimmensely.”
“BecauseI’myourbestfriendandyouneededme.”Sheactuallycoos.
“Debatableafterthelastfewminutesofthisconversation.”
Shehuffs.“Idon’tlikeitwhenyou’reallgrumpy.Itremindsmeofyourbrothers.”
“Sorry,I’malloutofrainbowsandunicornstoday.CheckbackintomorrowtoseeifI’minastopandsmelltheroseskindofmoodagain.”
“HowcanIhelpyouout?”
“I’mnotsurethereismuchyoucando.Thisisallturningouttobeabigpaininmyass.”Afterwatchingmybrothersstrugglewiththeirtasks,Iknewminewouldn’tbeeasy,butIdidn’tthinkmygrandfatherwouldforceLanaandmetolivetogetheragainafterthelasttimeheandIspoke.
I’mpissedIdidn’tconnectthedotssooner.Instead,Iprolongedtheinevitableandmadetheprocesshardergivenmylimitedtimeframe.
Andthisiswhyyoushouldn’tprocrastinate.
“Ifsellingthehousewasreallythatsimple,thenyouwould’veclearedouttheplaceandsolditalongtimeago.Webothknowyouputoffcompletingyourgrandfather’srequestbecausesomethingwasholdingyouback.”
Notsomething,butsomeone
AphonealarmIforgottoshutoffhasmegroaningintomypillow.Thetasteofpoordecisionsandcheapalcohollingersonmytongue,makingmyalreadyqueasystomachchurn.
Youshouldn’thavedrunksomuchlastnight.
It’sthesamethingIsayalmosteverymorningwhenIwakeup,althoughtheselectionfromtheminifridgedoesn’thelpmatters.
Ratherthanobsessovermybadchoices,Iditchthemotelroomandescapeintotown.SinceIdon’twanttodrawanyunnecessaryattentiontomyselfthismorningbystoppingatthebusydiner,IpullintothesmallcoffeeshopnearTownHall.TheAngryRoosterhasasinglebaristahustlingbehindthecounter,takingordersandmakingdrinkswithoutbreakingasweat.
Allittakesisonesipfrommycupofcoffeetohavemedroppingatwentyinthejarlabeled,Onascaleof$1to$10,howbigisyour…?Whoeverwrotethesigncoveredupthebadwordwithanemojiofarooster.Itmakesmelaugh,whichinturnmakesmyheadthrob.
Thebaristachokesonhersuddeninhale,soIdropanothertwentyinthejarsolelytoentertainmyselfwithhowredherfaceturns.
“Gottaownit.”Iwink.
“Thankyou!”shehuffs.
Isaluteherbeforetakingoffoutthedoor.Myphonevibratesinmypocketfromanewmessageinmyfamilygroupchat.Withagroan,Iunlockmyphoneandreadanewmessagefrommyyoungestbrother.
Rowan
Sodidyoufindoutifthekidisyours?
IriswouldnevertellRowanaboutmyissue,sothatonlyleavesoneperson.
Declanisofficiallydeadtome.Theasshole.
Whosaidanythingaboutakid?
Rowan
Declanspilledthenewswhenhecalledmethismorningandgaveaspeechaboutcondomsandsafesex.
Doesanythingremainasecretinthisfamilyanymore?Eversincemybrothersmetthelovesoftheirlives,it’slikeeveryoneknowseverythingaboutmybusiness.
Dick-lan
Ididn’tgiveyouaspeech.
Iris
Itsoundedlikeonetome.
Rowan
Iagree.Rowanwassomoved,heranouttoCostcotopanic-buyapackof1,000condoms.—Zahra
1,000?You’llbedeadbythetimeyoufinishthebox.
Rowansendsamiddlefingeremoji.
Iris
AH!Whyisn’tZahrainthischatyet?
Dick-lan
Becauseit’sforKanesonly.
LookatDeclanactinglikeadickagain.*pretendstobeshocked*
Rowan
…
AnotificationpopsuplettingusallknowZahra,Rowan’sgirlfriendandDreamland-obsessedadult,hasbeenaddedtotheconversationbyIris.IfIdidn’tfeelchronicallysinglebefore,fifthwheelinginagoddamngroupchatwouldhavepushedmeovertheedge.
Zahra
Hieveryone!!!
Shesendsanothermessagewithavariationofheartsandsmilingfaces.
Zahra
Cal,whenareyoubringingyourkidtoDreamland?
Zahra
Wewouldlovetohaveher!!!
NowonderDeclandidn’twantherinthechat.Ifthereisonethinghehatesmorethantexting,it’speoplewhotextmultiplemessagesatatime.
Ishutmyeyesandtakeadeepbreathbeforereplying.
Igottago.
Iputmyphoneonsilentandignoretherestoftheirmessages.I’vegottenbetteratavoidingthetwocouplesoverthelastfewmonths,especiallysinceRowanandZahrahavebeenbusyworkingatDreamlandwhileDeclanandIrisareoverwhelmedwiththeirhouserenovationandfocusedongettingpregnant.
IfsomeoneaskedmeyearsagoifIwouldbethelastoneoutofmybrotherstobesingle,Iwouldhavelaughedintheirface.Mybrothershavetheemotionalintelligenceoftoddlersandpersonalitiesequivalenttobeigepaint,yettheybothachievedsomethingInevercould
Theyfoundhappinessandlovewithsomeoneelse.
Foratime,IthoughtIhadthattoo.OratleastIdiduntilIscreweditallup,ruininganychanceathavingthesamething.
Yousoundjealous.
ProbablybecauseIamIskipmyusualmorningtintoandhaveadoubleshotofespresso,hopingagoodhitofcaffeinewillsavemefromtheutterexhaustionIwakeupwith.AfterspendingtheentirenighttossingandturningfromCal’ssurprisemidnightappearance,I’mtemptedtocrawlbackintobedandsleepfortherestofmySaturday.ItotallywouldifIwasn’texpectedtobeinfullmommodeallday.
Camilovesconstantattentionandaffection,andI’mhappytospoilherwithit.Aftergrowingupwithafatherwhoabandonedmeandasisterwhodoesn’tgiveacrapaboutme,thereisnothingIwantmorethanforCamitoalwaysfeelloved.
Usually,Icanwhipuparepasconquesofromscratchwithnoproblem,buttoday,myfeetdragasIheadonovertothepantry.It’sdaysliketodaythatmakemewishIboughtsugarycolorfulcerealfromthegrocerystorelikemostfamiliesandcalleditameal.
I’mjustbarelyabletomakeitthroughpreparingbreakfast.BythetimeI’mdonecuttingupsomefruitandservingCamiasmallcupofjuice,I’mnearlyreadytotoppleover.
“Areyoufeelingokay,Mommy?”
“Justtired.”Ileanagainstthecounter.
Herforeheadcreases.“Doyoustillwanttowatchthegame?”
Igesturetoourmatchingyellowsoccerjerseys.“Ofcourse.Yourgrandmawouldexpectnothingless.”Mymom’sloveforournationalteamneverfadedevenafterwemovedtoAmericafromBarranquillawhenIwasseven.CamiandIhonorhermemorybycontinuingthetraditionofwatchingthegamestogetherwhileeatingoneofherfavorites,pandebonos.
“Yay!”Cami’sbrightgrinwithhermissingfronttoothwarmsmyheart.
“It’ssettledthen.NoweatwhileIfixyourhair.”BraidingCami’shairisasoothingtasktokeepmymindoccupied.Throughouttheday,Iprobablyfixherhairatleastthreedifferenttimes.NomatterwhatkindofhairstylesItryorwhatproductsIuse,itonlytakesanhourforherhairtoturnintoamessofknotsandflyaways.
ShestuffspiecesoffoodintohermouthasIbrushherhair.Inthemiddleofmefinishingherfrenchbraid,mystomachgrowls,soIreachovertostealapieceofherfruit.
Sheslapsmyhandaway.“Hey!Getyourown.”
Itickleheruntilshegivesuponhoardingherstrawberries.Hersassylittlesighmakesmesmileasshestabsapieceofacut-upstrawberryandoffersherforktome.I’mabouttotakeabite,butthedoorbellchimes,interruptingme.
“Igotit!”Camihopsoffherstool.
“Notsofastthere.”Isnagherbeforesherunsoutofthekitchenandplaceherbackontheseat.“WhatdidIsayaboutansweringthedoor?”
“Don’topenthedoortostrangers.”Herlegsswingbackandforthunderneathher,stilltooshorttoreachthefloor.
Itaphernose.“Exactly.Whydon’tyoufinishupwhileIgoseewhoisthere?”Ipointatherplatebeforeexitingthekitchen.
Onmywaytothefrontdoor,Icheckthedoorbellapponmyphone.Calpacesthefrontporch.Heswitchesfromstuffinghishandsintohisfrontpocketstorunningthemthroughhismessyhairtoassessingthewoodplanksontheporch—allinasingleminute.I’mnotsurewhetherhisADHDoranxietyistoblameforallthesuddenmovements,butdamn,hecan’tstandstilltosavehislife.
AsmuchasIresenttheideaofspeakingtoCalafteryesterday,Ihavetogivehimcreditforshowingupthismorningbrightandearly,seekinganswers.Hegainsanounceofrespectfromme.
Maybehecaresafterall.
I’mquicktoshovethethoughtoutofmymind.HimshowinguptodayhasnothingtodowithmeandeverythingtodowithfindingoutwhoCami’sfatheris.Heprobablywouldn’tevenbehereifIhadn’tleftthingsthewayIdidlastnight.SinceIchosetoavoiddealingwithCalandtheemotionshestirredup,thisismyconsequence.Itwasn’tmymostmaturemoment,butIhadnoideahowtohandlehimthinkingIwouldhavesexwithsomeonesosoonafterwebrokeup.
Iknowweonlydatedforafewmonths,buttheymeanteverythingtome.Andforatime,Ithoughthefeltthesameway.
Shouldhaveknownbetter.
AlthoughI’mtemptedtoleavehimoutthereforafewmoreminutessohecanstewinhisthoughts,Imightaswellputusbothoutofourmisery.
Hislipsmovingsoundlesslycatchesmyattention,andIraisethevolumeontheapploudenoughthatIcanhearhim.
“WhatifIsuckatbeingaparent?”heaskshimself.
“Well,it’snotlikeyoucanbeanyworsethanyourfather,”herepliestohimself.
“He’sanarcissisticpsychopath.Thebarwasn’tsetveryhightobeginwith.”
Idon’twanttofindhimendearing—notevenintheslightest—yetIfindmylipscurvingupwardatthesightofhimhavingafull-blownconversationwithhimself.
Whyareyousmilingathimofallpeople?
Thethoughtissobering,andIlockmyphonetoavoidstealinganotherglanceathim.
Irollmyshouldersbackbeforeopeningthedoor.Callooksupatthesoundofthecreakinghinges,revealinghisred-rimmedeyesandhaggardappearance.I’dputmoneyonthefactthatheismostlikelyhungoverratherthansleep-deprivedlikeme.It’sobviousinthewayhewincesatthebrightlighthangingaboveme,illuminatingtheentryway.
Mynailsbiteintomypalmsattheevidenceofhisaddiction.
Notyourproblem.
Thenwhydoesthepiercingpaininmychestintensifyatthethoughtofhimcontinuingtosufferthroughhislife?
“Weneedtotalk,”heblurtsout.
IchecktomakesureCamiisn’tsneakingaroundthecornerbeforeshuttingthedoorbehindme.“Rightnow?”
“Yes,rightnow.Iwould’vewantedtohavethisconversationlastnight,butsomeonekickedmeoutbeforewehadachancetoclearsomethingup.”
AsighslipsoutofmebeforeIhaveachancetosquashit.“Allright.”Icrackthedooropen.“Cami!I’mgoingtograbthemail,soI’llbebackinafewminutes!”Myvoiceechoesoffthehighceilings.
Sheshoutsherreply,butitcomesoutmuffled,mostlikelyduetoherstuffinghermouthfullofpancakes.
“DoIreallyonlygetafewminutesforaconversationlikethis?”
“Ican’tleaveheraloneforlong.LasttimewhenIwasworkingoutside,shestolemymascaraandendedupwithaninfectionafterstabbinghereye.”
“Okay.”Hedoesn’tsomuchascrackasmile,whichisunusualforhim.
He’snervous.Withouthimhavingadrinktoeasehisanxiety,thetruthisglaringlyobviousaswewalktothemailboxinsilence.Themansionloomsbehindus,castingamassiveshadowovertheovergrownfrontlawn,makingtheestatelookevenlargerthanitsfourteen-thousandsquarefeet.
Partofmewisheshewouldtakeovertheconversationandforcetheansweroutofme,buthislipsremaintightlypressedtogetherwhileIgrabthemail.
Whatareyouwaitingfor?Justtellhimthetruth.
That’sthething.I’mnotsurehowtogoaboutdoingthatwithouthavingabreakdownaboutmysister.Nomatterhowmuchtimehaspassed,Istillcan’tspeakaboutAntonellawithoutgettingteary-eyedorspittingmad.IhopethereisadaywhenIcanthinkbackonourmemoriesandsmile.
Excepttodayisn’tthatday.
Instead,I’mfloodedwithawaveofnegativeemotions.PainWorry.Heartache.Eachonehitsstrongerthanthelast.Usually,Ihaveagoodgrasponthem,butI’vealwaysbeenweakwhenitcomestomyoldersisterandherchallenges.
Strugglingwithdrugsisn’tachallenge,Alana.It’sanaddiction.
Myhandclutchingthemailtrembles,makingtheenvelopesshake.
Calplacesahandoverminetohaltmytask.“Hey.”
Ifindtheideaofstaringintohiseyesimpossible,soIkeepmygazefocusedontheopenmailbox.Anyreplygetstrappedinmythroat.
“IsCamilamine?”Thewayheasksit—softandnonjudgmental—nearlybreaksme.
Iwonderforthesmallestsecondwhathewoulddoifshewas.Ishethekindofmanwhowouldstepupandoffertohelp,orwouldhewalkawaylikealways,provingyetagainhowmuchofadisappointmentheis?
Noneofthismatters.
Isteelmyspineandlookstraightintohiseyes.“No.She’snot.”
Hereleasesmyhandlikehisskinmightcatchonfireifhetouchesmeforasecondlonger.Adarklookpassesoverhisface,completelyuncharacteristic.“Whoistheguyyousleptwith?”Hisquestionhasasharpedgetoit.
Isuckinabreath.“Areyouseriouslyaccusingmeofthisagain?”
“Iknowhowbabiesaremade,andifI’mnotthedad,someonesurehastobe.SoI’mcuriouswhocaughtyourattentionnotevenamonthafterIleft.”
MymindgoesblankasIchargeforwardandstabhiminthemiddleofhischestwithmypointerfinger.“You’reright.SomeonehastobeCami’sfather,althoughI’mnotsurewhosincemysisterwashighformostofherpregnancy.”Thewordscomeoutloudandcleardespitetheringinginmyears.
Histhinlypressedlipspart,andthecreasesinhisforeheadsoftenuntiltheydisappear.“I’msorry,Alana.Iwasstupidtoassumeyousleptwith—”
Whateverlookisonmyfacehashimscramblingbackafewsteps.
“Sorry?YouthoughtIsleptwithsomeonerightafteryouleftandthenhadtheirchild?”Myvoicebooms.
Heholdsuphishandsinsubmission.“Ifyoudid,it’snotmyplacetojudge.”
“Doyoureallythinkthatlittleofwhatwehadtogether?”Ithinktakingathousandneedlestotheheartwouldfeellesspainfulthanthisconversation.I’mcarefulnottoletmyemotionsshowonmyface,butinside,Iallowmyselftofeeleverysinglestabofhurt.IfIclingtothepain,thenIwon’truntheriskoffallingforhisusualbullshit—thekindthatmakesmyheartsoftandmykneesweakfromasinglesmile.
Hetakesastepforward.“FucknoButyouhadeveryrighttodowhateveryouwantedafterIleft.”
“Whichincludeshookingupwithsomeoneonlyamonthlater?Areyouseriousrightnow?”
Hiseyeswiden.“Itoldyoutomoveon.”
“Themoreyousaythat,themoreIwonderifmaybethat’swhatyouwanted.”
Hetakesabigstepback.“What?No.Imean—”Hereleasesafrustratedexhale.“Itwasn’tlikethatforme.”
“Thenwhatwasitlike?”Myheartpoundsagainstmychest.
Hisbrowsscrunchwithconfusion.“Whatwaswhatlike?”
Myvoicedrops,barelystrongerthanawhisper.“Movingonfromme.”Theregrethitsmeinstantly,makingmewishIneveropenedmymouthandaskedmyquestioninthefirstplace.
Heavoidslookingatmeashefocusesonsomethingovermyshoulder.“Ican’tanswerthat.”
Myheartstuttersinmychest.“Whynot?”
Hedidmoveon,right?
Ofcoursehedid.Hewastheonewhobrokeupwithyou,nottheotherwayaround.Whileyouwaitedaroundforhimtocomeback,hewashookingupwitheverypersoninallofChicago.
“Youknowwhat?ForgetIasked.”Thethoughtofhimbeingwithsomeoneelsemakesmesicktomystomach,andI’msuddenlydesperatetogetawayfromthisconversation.“I’vebeengoneforlongerthanfiveminutes,soIshouldheadback.”
Hegraspsontomyelbowwhilehispainedeyesflickerovermyface.“Youalwaysdeservedbetterthanme.”
Iripmyarmfreeofhishold.“No.Ideservedbetterfromyou.”Lanastunsmeintosilence.Shedoesn’tstickaroundforareplythatprobablywon’tcome.WhateverreliefIgainedfromfindingoutneitherLananormyselfareCami’sparentsseemsshort-lived,easilyreplacedbytheacheinmychestasIwatchherwalkawayfrommeyetagain.
Ideservedbetterfromyou.
Ofcourseshedid.Shedeservedthewholedamnworld,butIwas—am—toosicktogiveheranythingbutheartache.
Andwhosefaultisthat?
I’mnotsurehowlongIstandtheremullingovertheconversationIhadwithLana,butIdon’tmoveuntilmyskinpricklesfromtherisingsun.Itakeasteptowardmycarandnearlytripoverasmallpersonstandinginfrontofme.
“Hi!”Camismilesupatmeandwaves.
Myheartratepicksup.“Hi?”
“You’rethemisterfromlastnight.”Thetanskinaroundherblueeyescrinklesashergrinwidens.HerdadmusthavesomestronggenesbecauseCamibarelyresemblesLana’ssisterexceptforthecolorofherskinandtheshapeofherlips.
“Yes?”
“I’mCami.”Sheholdsoutherhandformetoshake.
“Cal.”I’monautopilotasIclutchhersmallpalm.Thesizedifferencebetweenusiscomical,buthergripisstrongassheshakesmyarmlikeapoolnoodle.
“Hi,Cow-l.”
“Cal,”Irepeatslowerthistime,emphasizingtheahsound.
“Cam-eee.”Shedragsouthernamewhilepointingatherchest,instantlymakingmefeellikeanidiotfortryingtoteachherhowtoproperlysaymyname.
Whocareshowshesaysit?Justgetoutofhere.
“Well,it’sbeengreattalkingtoyou…”Itakeasteparoundher.
“Wait.”
Jesus,takethewheelanddrivemeoffthenearestcliffplease.
Sherunsaheadandstopsinfrontofme,blockingmypathtowardthecar.“Youowemeadollar.”
Iblinkdownather.“Forwhat?”
“Theswearjar.”Sheholdsoutherhand.“Dinero,porfavor.”
“Theswearjar?Whatthehellisthat?”
Herbigeyesstretchwide.“Uh-oh.Nowyouowemetwodollars.”
“Iseethey’reteachingextortionfromayoungage.”
“What’sextorshee-on?”
Igivemyheadagoodshake.“Forgetaboutit.”Isidestepherandputfivefeetbetweenusbeforesheischasingafterme.
“Hey!Whataboutmymoney?”
Ishutmyeyesandcounttofive.Sweatbeginstoslidedownmyneckfrommyinternaltemperaturespiking.Ihaveabsolutelynoexperiencewithchildrenbesidesencounteringandavoidingtheoccasionalkidinpublic.UntilDeclanandIrishaveoneoftheirown,I’mgrosslyunderpreparedtodealwithanyofthis.
Justgiveherthemoneyandgo.Icheckmywalletforsinglesbutcomeupempty.“Sorry,kiddo,butIdon’thaveanydollars.”
“Howaboutthat?”Shepointsatthestackofhundred-dollarbillswithbigeyes.
“Doyouevenknowhowmuchtheseareworth?”
Herblankstaredoesn’tgivememuchtogooff.
“Fine.Whatever.Hereyougo.”Igiveheroneofthebills.
“Butyousaidtwobadwords.”
“Theseareworthmorethanadollar.”Itapthenumberstoemphasize.“That’sahundred.See?”
Areyoureallytryingtoreasonwithakid?
Herbrowsscrunchtogetherasshestaresatthebill.“Holdon.Letmecounttomakesure…One…two…three…”Shetraceseachnumberintheairlikesheiswritingonaninvisiblesheetofpaper.
Forfuck’ssake.Attherateofhercounting,I’llspendthewholemorninghere.
Igrabanotherhundredandpassittoher.“There.”
Shepokeshertonguethroughthegapwhereoneofherfrontteethshouldbe.“Oooh.”
“Bye.”Igiveherahalf-assedsaluteandresumemywalktowardmycar.
“Willyouplaywithme?”Shefollowsbehindmelikeashadow.
“Ican’t.”
Almostthere.Theblurrynumbersonmylicenseplategetclearerwitheachstepclosertomycar.
Sherunstokeepupwithmylongstrides.“Whynot?”
“I’vegotsomewheretobe.”You’resoclose.Idigmykeysoutofmypocketandunlockthedoor.
Maybeifyouthrowanotherhundredontheground,itwilldistractherlongenoughforyoutogetaway.
“Whereareyougoing?”
Anywherebuthereispreferableatthemoment.“Ameeting.”
“Oh.”Hersmilefalls.“Willyoubeback?”
“Uhm…maybe?”Myskinitches.
“Yay!Nexttimeyouwillplaywithme.”Herhandsclap.
Thekidneedsmedsoramuzzle.Thatmuchisobvious.Sheremindsmealotofmyselfatthatage,bouncingwithenergyandendlessrambling.It’samysteryhowmybrothersdidn’ttrytosuffocatemeinmysleep.
“Sorry,kid.I’mnotheretoplaywithyou.”
“Oh.ButWyattplayswithme.”
Gravelkicksupunderneathmyshoesfrommysuddenstop.“Who?”
“Wyatt?It’saspelledlikeY-A-T.”
“What’shislastname?”
Hershrugs.“Umm…deputy?”
That’shisdamnjob,nothisname,butit’salltheconfirmationIneed.Lanaandheusedtobickerlikesiblingswhenevertheywereinthesameroom,andforthelongesttimeIthoughttheyhatedeachother.
Tothinkyouonceconsideredhimafriend.
Myearspoundsfromthebloodrushingthroughmybody,bubblingbeneaththesurfaceofmyskin.OfallthepeopleIthoughtIcouldtrust,Wyattwasprettyhighuponthatlist.Wespentmostsummerstogether,andheevenvisitedmetwiceinDenverwhileIwasattendinguniversity.WhenLanaandIweretogether,whetherwewerejustfriendsavoidingtheinevitableorofficiallystartingtodate,heneverseemedtheleastbitinterestedinher.
Probablybecausehewasbidinghistimeuntilyoufuckedeverythingupindefinitely.
MymusclesstrainunderneathmyshirtasIallowmyselftoacknowledgetheemotionIhavenorighttofeel.
Jealousy.Ithasamindofitsown,devouringallrationalthoughts.Deepdown,IknowthatIhavenorighttobejealouswhenI’mtheonewholeft.ExceptItrustedWyatttowatchafterherforme.
Soundslikehedidalotmorethanthat
I’mgladWyattandIaren’tfriendsanymore.It’llmakeitalltheeasierformetokickhisassonceIgetaholdofhimagain.
WhatifheisthemanwhoyousawkissingLanaoutsideofLastCallBartwoyearsago?
“Thefuckingsnake,”Iblurtout.
Camigasps.
Iflinch.“Shit.”
Hermouthdropsopen.
“Damn?”Myvoicecracks.
Sheshakesherheadbackandforth.IsighasIpulloutmywalletyetagainandhandherthreemorehundred-dollarbills.Thewayhereyeslightupasshesqueezesthemoneyiskindofendearing
You’reintokidsnow?
No,buttheirfascinationwithmoneyisprettyfunny.
“Areyouokay,Cow-l?”
Getaholdofyourself.
Iunclenchmyfists.“Ibettergetgoing.”
Shefollowsbehindmelikeashadow.
“Camila!”Lanashouts.
WebothlookuptofindLanastompingdownthefrontsteps.
“Busted,”Camimumblesunderherbreath.ShelooksidenticaltoLanawithhowsheavertseveryone’sgazewhenintrouble.
Lanarushesovertousandpropsherhandonherhiplikehermotherdidwhenevershegotcaughtdoingsomethingshewasn’tsupposedto.Which,nothankstome,wasalot.
“Whydoyouinsistontalkingtostrangersaftereverythingwehavetalkedabout?”
Beingreferredtoasastrangershouldn’tsting,butitdoes,especiallyafterlearningthatWyattisinvolvedinLana’sdaughter’slifenowthatI’moutofthepicture.ItprovesthatnomatterwhathistoryLanaandIhave,it’sjustthat.
History
“I’msorry,Mommy.”Camirocksbackonherheels.
LanasquatsdownandlooksCamiintheeyes.“Youcan’tgotalkingtoeveryoneyoumeet—eveniftheylookniceoransweryourquestions.”
“YouthinkIlooknice?”Iplasteronmyusualgrin,hopingifIfakebeinghappyforlongenough,Icanerasetheuncomfortablefeelingsswirlinginsideofmychest.
That’swhatyoualwayshope.
Lana’seyesnarrowasshegivesmeaquickonce-over.Myskinheatswhenhergazelingersonmyarms,causingwarmthtopoolinmybelly.
“I’veseenbetter.”Theskinonhernosescrunches.
“You’vealwaysbeenashittyliar,Alana.”Itapthetipofminetoemphasizemypoint.
LanaandCami’seyesbothwidenatthesametime.IpulloutmywalletwithasighandpassCamianothercrispbill.
Sixhundreddollarspoorerandyoustillhaven’tlearnedyourlesson.
“Areyouinthehabitofhandingouthundred-dollarbills?”AsingleoneofLana’sbrowsrises.
“Onlytopersistentfive-year-oldswhodon’tknowhowtocounttoahundred.”
Lanashootsherdaughteranindiscerniblelook.“What’sfivetimesahundred?”
“Fivehundred!”Camiraisesherfistfullofmoneyintheair.
Thatlittleshit…
“Youweresaying?”ThecornersofLana’slipsliftintothesmallestsmileasshelooksupatme.It’sthefirstoneI’veseenonherfacesinceIshoweduphere,anditmakesmystomachfeelalllightandbubbly,kindoflikeIjustchuggedavodkaseltzerintensecondsorless.
Irecognizethesensationinstantly.
Hellno.Notgoingthere.“Ibettergetgoing.”
Idon’tdaresneakonelastpeekatthetwoofthem,althoughIsenseLana’seyesburningaholeintomybackasIgetinsidemycar.
It’snotuntilIleavethelakehouseinmyrearviewmirrorthatIcanfinallybreatheagain.
Thethree-hourcarridebacktoChicagowasablur.IcalledLeo’sassistantaheadoftimetorequestanemergencymeeting,andhewasabletosqueezemeintohisschedulebeforelunch.
Ifiddlewiththetopofmyflaskforthethirdtimeinthelasttwentyminutes.I’maboutreadytocallhisassistantwhenthedoorsbehindmeopenandtheolderlawyerstrollsinside.Leolookslikehewasstolenfromthe1920swithhisthree-piecesuit,featherfedora,andgoldenpocketwatch.Allthemanneedsisacigartocompletehislook.
“Callahan!”Hepullsmeintoabone-crushinghug.“Whatanicesurprise!”
“Really?”Myhandsstickoutatmysides.
Hetakesaseatbehindhisdesk.“Yes.I’vebeenmeaningtocheckinonyouforsometimenow.Howhaveyoubeen?”
Iconsidergivingabasic,nondescriptanswerbutchoosetobehonest.“I’veseenbetterdays.”
Hissmilefallsafractionofaninch.“That’sashame.I’msorrytohearthat.IsthereanythingIcandotohelpmakeitalittlebetter?”
Isituptallerinthechair.“Asamatteroffact,thereis.”
“Whatdoyouneed?”
“Ihaveacouplequestionsaboutmygrandfather’swill,andI’mhopingyoucanclearthemup.”
Heplaceshisfedoraonhisdeskandleansbackinhischair.“Likewhat?”
“Ineedtoknowwhoownsthelakehouse.”
“Sure.Icananswerthatforyou.Justgivemeasecondtofindthefile.”Leowalksovertothewalloffilingcabinetsandopensatopdrawer.Myheartratespeedsupasheflipsthroughvariousfilesofinformationbeforemakingaconfirmatorynoise.
Hereturnstohisdeskholdingontoafilewithmynameonit.
“Accordingtothedeed,youdo.”
Mylungsdeflatefrommyheavyexhale.“That’sareliefbecausethepersoncurrentlylivingtherebelievesmygrandfatherleftthehousetoher.”
Leoclaspshishandsinfrontofhim.“Well,that’sthetrickything.”
Mystomachdrops.
No.Tellmehedidn’t.
Leocontinueswithasmile,asifheisn’tabouttoshattermyworldandanychanceIhaveatsellingtheplace.“Basedonthemostrecentdeed,you’relistedasaco-ownerofthehousealongwithaMissAlanaCastillo.”
Fuckinghell.“You’vegottobekiddingme.I’mnevergoingtobeabletosellthathousesolongasLanaownspartofit.”
“Aboutthat…”
Iholdmyhandup.“Letmeguess.Ican’tbuyheroutofherpercentage.”
Hisgrindoesn’tfalter.“Correct.”
“Ofcourse.”
“YourgrandfatherwasveryspecificabouthowbothyouandMs.Castillomustagreeonalllegalmattersregardingtheproperty.”
“Whatifshedoesn’twanttosell?”
“ThenIwouldrecommendbothofyouobtainlegalcounsel.”
Idon’thavetimetospareonspeakingwithDeclan’slegalteam,letalonewaitingforLanatofindsomerepresentation.
Great.
Mymolarsgrindtogether.“AnyothersurprisesIshouldbeawareofbeforeIheadbacktoLakeWisteria?”
Heflipsthroughthefile,scanningpagesoflegaldocuments.“Ithinkyou’reallset.Justrememberthatanyinterferencefromyourbrothersregardingthesaleofthepropertycouldhaveseriousrepercussions.”
Everyoneofmymusclesturnsrigidbeneathmyshirt.“Whatkindofrepercussions?”
Heshutsthefilewithatightsmile.“Ithinkyouhaveenoughtoworryaboutgivenyourtask.Noneedtoaddtothatbydiscussingworst-casesituations.”
“CouldIlosemyshares?”Iblurtout
“Let’snotletitcometothat,shallwe?”
Fuck.
ItakeonelastsipfrommyflaskbeforetuckingitinsidetheinnerpocketofmysuitandopeningthedoortoDeclan’soffice.Hispanoramicviewofthecityisunmatchedwithfloor-to-ceilingwindowsallowingforamplesunlight.AsmuchasIhatetheKaneCompanybuilding,theviewsofChicagoareunparalleled.
Mybrothersitsbehindhisdesk,smashingawayathiskeyboardwithenoughforcetomakeitslideforward.“Goaway,Todd.I’mbusy.”
“Seriously?Timhasbeenworkinghereformonthsalready,andyoustilldon’tknowhisname?”
Mybrother’sheadsnapsinmydirection.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Icamebacktoclearafewthingsupwiththewill.”
Hisdarkbrowsinchclosertogether.“And?”
Itaketheseatoppositehim,acrossfromhisdesk.Withaquickflick,Iundothebuttonofmysuittogivemyselfsomebreathingroom.EverytimeIvisittheKanecorporateoffice,it’salwaysthesame.Anoppressivepressurebuildsinmychest,forcingmetosipmorefrommyflaskthanusual.Theofficeremindsmeofmyfailuretoliveuptomylastnameandtheexpectationssetforthbecauseofwhomyfamilyis.
Itdoesn’tmatter.
Itapmyfingersagainstmythighs.“YouandRowanneedtostayfarawayfrommytask.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Heleansbackinhischair.
“WhenIstoppedbyLeo’sofficefortheupdateddeed,hedroppedacrypticcomment.”
“Whatdidhesayexactly?”
IrepeatmyconversationwithLeo.
Declanrisesandbeginspacing,wearingaholeinthecarpet.“Whatcouldhemeanbyinterference?”
“Idon’tknow.WhenItriedtoaskifithadanythingtodowithmyshares,heshutdown.”
“Shit.”
“Mythoughtexactly.”TheonlyreasonI’mnotpanickingisbecauseofthesteadystreamofvodkapumpingthroughoutmysystem,givingmeafalsesenseofcalm.
Herunshishandsthroughhisdarkhair,mussingtheperfectlyslicked-backstrands.“GrandpaknewIwouldstepintohelpyou.”
ProbablybecauseDeclanhasalwayscleanedupmymesseseversinceIwasborn.Hecouldn’thelpsufferingfromanoldersiblingsaviorcomplex,nearlysuffocatingRowanandmewithhisoverprotectiveness.
“Whateveryoudo,don’thelp.”
Hisbrowneyesdroptothefloor.
“Declan…”
Hepullsouthisphone,lookingpalerthanusual.“Ineedtomakeafewcalls.”
Declan’sfootstepsquickenashewalksthelengthofhisoffice.
“Youhadabuyerlinedupalready,didn’tyou?”Myteethgrindtogether.
“Yes.”Hishandholdingthephonetightens.
“Why?”
Whycouldn’tyoutrustmetodoonethingonmyown?Therealquestionlingersonthetipofmytongue.
Hisjawclenches,makingtheveinnearhistemplethrob.“Whyelse?It’snotlikeIwasgoingtoleaveanythinguptochance.”
“Morelikeyoudidn’twanttoleaveanythinguptome.”
Hethrowshisfreehandintheair.“WhywouldI?It’snotasifyou’vemadeanyefforttocompleteyourpartofthewill.DoyouevencareaboutfuckingRowanandmeover?”
Iboltoutofmychair.“Withhowlittleyouthinkofme,maybeIshouldgiveupmysharesandwalkawayfromthiswholedamnthingwithmydignityintact.”
Hereleasesabitterlaugh.“Ofcourse,that’syourfirstsolution.Idon’tknowwhyIexpectedanythingdifferentfromtheguywhoexcelsatfailing.”
“Greatdig,asshole.DidyoupickthatoneupfromDad?”
Doyouhaveaninterestinbeinganythingbutafamilyfailure?Thememoryofmydadlaughinghisdrunkassofftakescenterstageinmyhead;himshunningmyneedforacalculustutorisquicklyreplacedbyadarkermemory.
WhyamInotsurprisedthatyoucouldn’tevensucceedathittingablockofrubberaround—theharshwordsmyfathersharedduringmypost-opafterItoremyACL.
Theonlyreasonyou’reonthiscompanyboardisbecauseyourgrandpaknewyouwouldn’tamounttoanythingonyourown.Myfather’sred-rimmedeyesflickovermyseatintheconferenceroom.
Theonethingmyfathersucceededatwasfindingahundreddifferentwaystomakemefeellikeapatheticfailure.
AndnowDeclan…
Fuckhim.
“Shit.Cal…”Declan’sglaresoftens
ScrewDeclanforusingmyoneweaknessagainstme.It’snotlikeIdon’twanttobebetter.Todobetter.
Ijustdon’tknowhow.
Ishoothimmyfakestsmilethatmakeshiseyetwitch.“Noneedtoapologize,brother.It’snotlikeIdidn’tspendmyentirelifehearingthosesamewordstimeandtimeagain.”
Declan’swordsfollowmelongafterIleavetheKaneCompanybuilding,feedingoffmyinsecuritieslikeaparasitethatcanonlybecuredwithabottleofvodka.
Youcouldgethelpagain.MyhandtremblesasIpourmyselfadrink.Someofitspillsfrommyjerkymovement,soakingmyhandandthesurroundingareaaroundtheglass.
Ishakemyhead,ignoringthevoiceinmyheadbeckoningmetostopbeforeItakethefirstsip.
Alwaysadisappointment.
Ipauseasmylipstouchtherimoftheglass.
You’rebetterthanthis.
No.I’mreallynot.
Iknockbackthefirstdrinkwithafewswallowsbeforepouringmyselfasecondglass.Declantriestocallmetwicethroughoutthenight.Heevenleavesavoicemail,whichIdeleterightawaybecauseI’mtoodrunktocare.
JusthowIlikeit.“I’msorry,Ms.Castillo.”BradyKane’slawyerapologizesforthesecondtimetoday,althoughitdoeslittletoeasetheburninmythroat.
Thiscan’tbehappening.Ireachoutforthekitchencountertostabilizemywobblylegs.
Leoclearshisthroat,makingthespeakerbesidemyearcrackle.“Iunderstandallofthismustcomeasquiteashock,butI’msurethatBradyhadyourbestintentionsatheart.Hespokefondlyofyouduringallofourdiscussions.”
Thepressurebuildingbehindmytemplesintensifiesdespitemerubbingmytemples.“Itdoesn’tfeelthatway.”
“Ifit’sanyconsolation,Callahanexpressedasimilarfrustrationduringourconversationearlier.”
“Didhealsomentionhowhewantstosellthehouse?”
“Hedid.”
Myfingersclutchingthecounterturnwhitefromthepressure.“WhathappensifIdon’twanttosellit?”
“Alldecisionsregardingthepropertymustbemutuallymade.TheonlywayCallahancansellthepropertyisifyouagreeandviceversa.”
Ireleaseaheavybreath.“Finally,somegoodnews.”
Leopausesforamomentbeforespeakingup.“Thatbeingsaid…”
Ohno.
“IfyouinsistonkeepingthehousedespiteCallahan’sinterestinsellingtheproperty,thenyouwillhavetobuyhimoutofhispercentageofthehouse.”
Hijueputa
Aftermyphonecallwiththelawyer,IsentDelilahandVioletamessagerequestinganemergencygirls’night.Bothofthemarriveatmyhousethateveningarmedwithsnacksandskincaresupplieslikealittlefoodandself-carecansolveallmywoes.VioletevenwentoutofherwaytogetsomeBonBonBums,mydentist’sarchenemyandmyfavoritecandy.
IrunupstairstocheckonCamiandmakesuresheisasleep.Myheartsqueezesatthesightofhersleepingsoundly,herfavoritestuffedlambcrushedbeneathbothofherarms.Istillrememberthesocialworkerwhogaveittoher.Camiwasonlyaninfant,soshedoesn’tremember,butIdo.ItwasthesamedayIreturnedtoMichiganwithababyinmyarmsandanewpurposeinmylife.
BeforeshuttingoffCami’slight,Ibrushthehairoutofhereyesandkissherforehead.“Buenasnoches,miamorcito.”
Ireturntothelivingroom,findingVioletandDelilahalreadysettledintotheirusualsidesofthehugesectional.
Violetplucksmyfavoritelollipopfromthebagandthrowsitatme.“Here.Totaketheedgeoff.”
Iripoffthewrapperandpopitintomymouth.“Thanks.Ineededthis.”
“Areyousureyoudon’twantanyalcohol?Icanmakealiquorstorerunandbebackintenminutes.”VioletsiftsthroughthebagofBonBonsforherfavoriteflavor.
DelilahlaunchesapillowdirectlyatViolet’sface,messingupherblondcurls.“Youknowshedoesn’tdrink.”
Ihaven’thadadropofalcoholinovertenyears,eversinceCalwenttorehabrightbeforeIturnedeighteen.Atfirst,itwastosupporthimandhispromisetoremainsober.Inevercaredaboutdrinking,andifnotdoingsohelpedhim,Iwasallforit.
Whenheleftsixyearsago,Itriedtodrink.IevenwentoutandboughtabottleofthemostexpensivewhitewineIcouldfindwitheveryintentiontobreakmypledge.Tobetrayhimlikehedidme.Theplanseemedsolidatthetime,giventhestateofmyemotions.TurnsoutIwassodistraught,Ididn’teventhinkaboutbuyingacorkscrew.Myoneandonlyattempttodrinkwassquashedquickly,andIvowedtonevertryagain
Violethuffs.“Iwasjoking!”
Delilah’sbrowneyesroll.“Nowonderyourstand-upcomedycareertanked.”
“It’snotmyfaultnooneinthistownappreciatedmybrandofhumor.ThemedianagearoundheredatesbacktotheJurassicperiod.”
DelilahandIbothbreakoutintolaughter.LakeWisteriamightleanmoretowardanoldercrowd,butthereareplentyofyoungpeoplelivingherenowthatthetownhasgainedpopularityamongstpeoplefromChicagowhoaresearchingforaneasierpaceoflife.
Delilahplacesadarkpieceofhairbehindherear.“So,what’stheemergencymeetingabout?”
IgiveDelilahandVioletabasicrundownofthesituation.Theyremainquiet,althoughtherearedifferenttimeswhenViolet’shazeleyeswidenorDelilah’sfrownbecomesmorepronouncedonherface.
Violetplucksthelollipopfromhermouthtosay,“Holyshit.”
“Iknow.”
“Whatareyougoingtodo?”Delilahtucksherlongtanlegsunderneathher.
“Isn’tthatthemillion-dollarquestion?”
“Ortwomillion,givenhowmuchthishouseisprobablyworth.”Violetgesturesaroundtheroomwithherhalf-eatenlollipop.
“You’rereallythinkingaboutsellingit?”Delilah’sdarkbrowsrise.
Idropontothecouchwithaheavysigh.“Idon’tthinkIhavemuchofachoice.”
Violetsnorts.“Why?BecauseMalibuKensaidso?”
Ishootheralook.“Heownshalfthehouse,whetherIlikeitornot.”
“Butsodoyou.”
“That’strue,butBrady’slawyertoldmeifIdon’twanttosell,thenIneedtobuyCaloutofhispercentage.”
“That’s…”Delilah’stanfacepales
“Amilliondollars?”Myshouldersslump.“EvenifIpickedupasecondjobwaitingtablesorsomething,Iwouldneverbeabletoaffordit.”
Violetsnapsherfingers.“I’msureMitchelldownatthebankwouldbewillingtogiveyoualoan.”
“AfterIturnedhimdownforadate?Noway.”
“Whatifthetownpitchedin—”
Istopherwithawaveofmyhand.“Absolutelynot.”
TheskinbetweenDelilah’seyebrowscreases.“There’sgottobeanotherway.Maybesomelegalloopholethatletsyoukeeptheplaceregardlessofwhoownsit.”
Mychestaches.“Thereisnone.Icheckedwiththelawyer,andwhetherIlikeitornot,Caliswithinhisrightstoselltheproperty.”NomatterhowmuchIlovethehouseandthememoriesI’vemadehere,thereisnothingIcandotosaveitfrombeinglistedforsale.
AhintofasmilecrossesViolet’slips.“Whatif—”
“Oh,boy.Herewego.”Delilahgrimaces.
Violetisknownforhercrazyplansandbeingthemastermindbehindschemesthatendedupwithusinhandcuffsonceortwice.SheriffHankcouldneveractuallygothroughwitharrestingusbecausehefeltthejusticesystemwasaslaponthewristcomparedtoourangryparents.
VioletclearsherthroatwhilethrowingapointedglareinDelilah’sdirection.“Whatifyoudon’tendupsellingthehouse?”
Mybrowsfurrow.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Youcouldsetthelistpricesounreasonablyhighthatnooneintheirrightmindwouldbewillingtobuyit.”Violet’shazeleyesglint,shiningbrightfromthecountlessplansbouncingaroundherhead.Withherdirtyblondcurlsandrounded,angelicfeatures,noonewouldthinktwiceaboutthelittledevilthatlingersbeneathherporcelainskin.
“That’s…”Delilah’svoicedriftsoff.
“Actuallygenius,”Ifinishforher.
Violetperksup.
Delilahlooksoveratme.“Youknow,Violet’splanmightactuallywork.”
Coulditreally?Partofmeisafraidtohopeitmight,justincaseCalruinsthepossibilityofmekeepingthehouse.
Bettertotryandfailthannottotryatall
Ithrowmyhandsintheairwithdefeat.“Screwit.It’snotlikeIhavemuchelsetolose.”Caldidn’tgivememorethanaweekendtoprocessthenewsaboutthelakehousebeforehetextedmebrightandearlyMondaymorningaskingtomeetupatEarlyBirdDinerforlunch.Forbothoursakes,Idecidedtocomply.
BecauseMondaysaren’tbadenough,myentiremorningbeforeourlunchmeetingisacompleteandutterdisaster.NormallymyjobasaSpanishteacheratCami’sschoolfollowsapredictableroutine.Butnaturally,givenmylucktoday,everythinghasgonewrong,fromabrokenfirealarminterruptingmytenthgraders’finalpresentationstoafirstgraderthrowingupinthebackofmyclassrightbeforelunch.TheonlythingmotivatingmetomakeitthroughtodayisthefactthatIonlyhavetwoweeksleftbeforethesummerbreak.
I’malreadylatebythetimeIarriveatthediner,sotheparkinglotisfull.IcirclearoundMainStreettwicetofindaspotwithnosuccess.Thetownisbeginningtoadvertiseforthemid-JuneStrawberryFestival,LakeWisteria’sbiggesteventoftheyear,soamajorityoftheparkingspotsaretakenupbythemayorandhishelpershanginguppromotionalsignstoenticetourists.
Ittakesmefiveminutestofindaplacetopark.It’sfitting,withhowsuckymydayhasbeen,thatIwouldfindonerightnexttomyfaileddream.
Thestorehassatemptyforyears,thelandlordunabletopermanentlyfillthespaceforlongerthanafewyearsatatime.Businessafterbusinesshavetriedtomakeit,buttheyhaveneverbeensuccessful.Evenabakeryopenedhereonce,whichwasawholenewleveloftorturegivenmydreamtoopenmyownshopinthespace.Theyshutdownnotevenayearlater.
Whatmakesyouthinkyouwouldbesuccessfulthen?
Mythroatthickens,andIturnmybackonthestorefront.
Youhavebiggerissuestodealwithrightnow.
IholdmyheadhighasIwalktowardthediner.
“Hey,”Calcalls,startlingme.
Iturntowardthedirectionofhisvoice.Heleansagainstthebrickwalloutsideofthefrontentrance,appearingcompletelyoutofplacewithhisperfectlypressedwhitelinenshirtandhiscustom-tailoredpants.Hisoutfitremindsmeoftheotherrichtouristswhovisit,lookingliketheybelongyachtinginIbizaratherthanonourlake.
Heslideshissunglassesdownthebridgeofhisnosetogetabetterlookatme.“Cutedress.Didyourmommakeit?”
Thementionofmymomhasmythroatclosingup.Griefisastrangething.Itcomesandgoes,usuallyatthemostinconvenienttime,turningourlivesupsidedownwhileweprocessthelossyetagain.
Iinstinctivelyreachforthegoldnecklaceshegavemeformyquincea?era,rubbingthecoolmetalbetweenmyfingersbackandforth.“Yeah.”Myvoicecracks.
“Howisyourmomdoingbytheway?Ididn’tseehercaratthehouse.IsshevisitingyourfamilyinColombiaforthesummerorsomething?”
MyheartpoundshardagainstmyribcageasIhaltmidstride.“Youreallydon’tknow.”
Hisheadtilts.“Don’tknowwhat?”
Mygazedartstowardtheentranceofthediner.“Shepassedawayacoupleofyearsagowhileyourgrandpawasstillinacoma.Stage-fourpancreaticcancer.”I’msurprisedIcangetthewordsoutwithoutmyvoicecatching.
Itonlytookyoutwoyearstogetthere
Forthefirstyearaftermymompassed,itwashardtotalkaboutherwithoutcrying.Everymemoryfeltpainful—bothphysicallyandmentally.IttookCamiaskingalotofquestionsabouthergrandmaformetogetusedtospeakingaboutheragainwithasmileratherthantears.
“Shit,Alana.Ihadnoideaaboutyourmom.”Calplaceshishandagainstmyshoulderandgivesitasqueeze.Thewarmthofhispalmworkslikeabalm,wardingoffthechillseepingintomybones.
“Ithoughtyouknew.”Andchosenottoshowupforherfuneralanyway.
Hisheadshakeshardenoughtorufflehishair.“Ofcourse,Ididn’t.IfIhad—Fuck.Iforbademybrothersfrommentioning…thisplace.”
Mybreathingbecomesincreasinglydifficultwitheveryinhale.
“I’msosorry.”Hisgriptightens.“Iwish…”Hepauses,asifconsideringwhetherheshouldspeakornot.“Ishouldhavebeenthereforyou.”Thewayhesaysitwithabsolutecertaintymakesmebelievehim.
Ourgazesconnect.Somethingunspokenpassesbetweenusbeforehewrapshisarmsaroundmeandtucksmeagainsthischest.Mybodyrelaxesinstantlyinhishold,andafeelingofrightnessconsumesme.Anyanger,frustration,andheartachefromthelastfewdaysmeltsawaylikeitneverexistedinthefirstplace.
Iknowthereliefisonlytemporary.Thatthemomentheletsgo,realitywillcomecrashingdownaroundme.
Justafewmoreseconds,IpromisemyselfasIpressmycheekagainsthischest.Iforgothowrightitfelttobeheldinhisarms.OrthecomfortthatoverwhelmsmeasIlistentothebeatofhisheart,pumpingrapidlyinhischest.
Iignorethevoiceinthebackofmyheadnaggingatmeandallowmyselftoenjoybeingtakencareof.
Whydothethingsthatfeelthebestalwayshurtusthemost?
“Whataboutyoursister?”Herunshishandthroughmyhair,makingmyspinetinglefromtheintimategesture.
“Whatabouther?”
“Isshe…”Hisvoicetrailsoff.
“Dead?Godno,althoughsometimesIgotobedworriedthatshemightbe.”
“ButCami—”
Idon’tlethimfinishhistrainofthought.“Ismineineverywaythatcounts.Antosignedthepaperworkandmadeitofficialsoonaftershewasborn.”
Hisholdtightens,asifhesensesmegearinguptopullaway.“Youneverceasetoamazeme.”
Iburrymyfaceintohischest.“Ididn’thaveachoice.”
“Ofcourse,youdid.Youjusthappenedtomakethemostselflessonebecausethat’sthekindofpersonyouare.”HechipsatwhatevercontrolIhaveleftovermyemotionsasheholdsmeinhisarms.
Acarhonksnearby.HisgripslipsasIjumpbackward,endingtheembrace.MycheeksfloodwithcolorasItakeasecondstepawayfromhim.
Hishandsfalltohissidebeforeformingfists.Frustrationpoursfromhiminwaves,hittingmeinthefacewiththepowerofablowtorch.
“Let’sgoinside.”Iturntowardtheentrance.
Calfollowsbehindmeinsilenceaswewalkintothediner.
“Lookwhofinallydecidedtostopby.”Isabellegrabstwomenusfromthehostessstand.
Cal’scheeksturnpink.“It’sniceseeingyouagain,Isa—”
Isabellecompletelyignoreshimasshethrowsherarmsaroundme.Hersalt-and-pepperhairbrushesagainstmycheek,givingmeafreshinhaleofhairsprayandpancakebatter.“Imissedyoulastweekwhenthegirlsstoppedbyforbrunch.”
“Camicaughtabug,soIhadtoskipout.”
“Oh,no.How’sshedoing?”
“Betterandbackinschool.Shedidn’twanttomissanymoredaysbeforethesummerbreak.”
Isabelle’sbrowspulltogether.“Butit’sonlythesecondweekofMay.”
“EverydaymattersaccordingtoCami.”
Shelaughs.“ThatgirladoresschoolmorethananyoneelseIknow.”
Calclearshisthroat,andIsabellelooksoverathim.
“Who’sthis?”Shegiveshimaonce-over.
Cal’sbrowsrisetowardhishairline.“Comeon,Isabelle.You’veknownmesinceIwasalittlekid.”
“Oh.”Shestrainshereyes.“What’syournameagain?Mal?”
“Cal.”Hesmileswidedespitehisrighteyetwitching.
Afewpeoplelookupfromtheirtables.Whispersspreadthroughthediner,makingmyskinflush.Isabellesavesmefromanymoreembarrassmentassheleadsustoacornerboothfarfromthegossipinggeriatricsontheothersideofthediner.Theymightbefaraway,butthatdoesn’tstopthemfromlookingoveratusandwhisperingbehindtheirmenus.
“Couldyouallbeanymoreobvious?”Icallout.
Beth,theheadofbridgeclub,lookslikeherheadmightsnapofffromhowfastsheturnsinherseat.
“Saythewordandwe’llkickhimoutforyou,”Cindy,thereigningshuffleboardchampandCami’spreviouspre-kteacher,offers.
Ithrowherathumbs-up.
Isabellepullsouthernotepadbeforereachingforthepenbehindherear.“WhatcanIgetyoubothstartedwithtodrink?”
“Chocolatemilkshake,”CalandIsayatthesametime.
“Gladtoseesomethingshaven’tchanged.”Hissmilereturnsatfullblast,andIlookawaytopreventmyselffromstrugglingwithtemporaryblindness.
Isabellescribblesonhernotepad.“Twochocolatemilkshakescomingrightup.Doyouknowwhatyouwanttoorder,orwouldyouratherIcomebackinafew?”
“Willyougiveusanothercoupleofminutes?”Calasks.
“Noproblem,Al.”Shegivesmyshoulderasqueezebeforedisappearingintothekitchen.
“Shehatesme,doesn’tshe?”
Ionlyofferanoncommittalshrug.
“Why?”heasks.
Becauseyoubrokemyheart.
Silencesettlesoverourtableagainaswebothpretendtoassessthemenusinfrontofus.I’vebeenvisitingEarlyBirdDinersinceIwasakid,soIcanrecitethewholethingfromfronttobackwithoutlooking.TherewasonceatimeCalcoulddothesamething,althoughitdoesn’tseemtobethecaseanymore.
Myheartsqueezesatthereminder.
Calfidgetsinhisseatforawholeminutebeforegainingthenervetospeakagain.“Doyouknowwhatyou’regoingtoorder?”
“I’mgoodwithamilkshake.”Islapmymenushut.
“Ithoughtyouwouldatleastorderthemostexpensivethingonthemenujusttospiteme.”
“IfIwantedtospiteyou,I’daimforsomethingalittlebetterthanyourwallet.”
“Likewhere?”
“Akicktotheballsisalwaysagoodplacetostart.”
Hisheaddropsbackashelaughs.Thesoundisheartyandloud,drawingeveryone’seyestowardourtable.EvenIfindmyselfstaringathim.IblameCal’sabilitytodraweveryoneinlikeheisthecenterofoursolarsystem.BecauseifCalisthesun,thentherestofusareaimlessplanetsrevolvingaroundhim,tragicallytrappedinhisorbit.
IsabellemustsensemydesperationassheinterruptsuswithourmilkshakesandtakingCal’sorder.
Iclaspmyhandsinfrontofme.“Let’sgettotherealreasonwhyyouaskedforthismeeting.”
Hefidgetswithhishands.“Weneedtoselltheplacebytheendofthesummer.”
Myheartratepicksupattheveryidea.“ButIdon’twanttosellit.”
“Doyouhavethemoneytobuymeoutofmyhalf?”ThewayheasksthequestionwithoutahintofcondescensionmakesmewonderifheactuallythinksIcan
Ametallictastefillsmymouthfrombitingdownonmytongue.“No,butifyougivemeayearortwo,I’msureIcouldfigureitout.”
Hisheadshakes.“Idon’thavethatkindoftime.”
“What’stherush?”
Heswallowshard.“Ineedtomoveonwithmylife,andIcan’tdothatifIhavethishousehangingovermyheadlikeaghostofsummerspast.”
Mychestfeelsasifitmightsplitinhalffromhiswords.“So,youjustexpectmetouprootmineinstead?”
“Iknowit’snotideal,butI’mhopingthatthemoneywillatleastpartiallymakeupforit.Forwhatthatplaceisprobablyworth,youcouldgetanewhouseandsetupadecentsavingsaccount.”
“Andyoucareaboutthatbecause…”
Hisgazecutsintomine.“Iwantwhat’sbestforyou,andnoamountoftimeordistancewillchangethat.”
ImakeanoiseinthebackofmythroatbecauseIdon’ttrustmyvoice.Hiswordshavetheuniquepowertothawsomeoftheicearoundmyheart.Bitsandpiecesoficebreakoff,meltingfromthewayhelooksatmelikeImightstillmeansomethingtohim.
Ifyoudid,hewouldhavegottensoberandcomebacktofightforyou.
Hetapshisfingersagainstthetableinamindlesspattern.“I’mnotaskingyoutomoveouttomorrow.YoucanspendonelastsummertherewithCamibeforewecloseonthehouse.”
“Howthoughtfulofyou.”
“Dowehaveadealthen?”
“StopmakingitsoundlikeIactuallyhaveachoice,”Ilashout.
Heraiseshishandsinfrontofhim.“I’mnotheretocauseproblems.”
“Exceptyouaretheproblem,Cal.Alwayshavebeenandalwayswillbe.”
“AtleastI’mconsistentatsomething.”Hedarestosmile.
Myfingernailsembedthemselvesintomythighs.“Haveyouchangedatallinthelastsixyears?”
“Ofcourse.”Heraiseshischin.
“Butyou’restilldrinking.”AndusingGodknowswhatelse.
ThereisnopointinpretendingCaldoesn’thaveaproblem.Ialreadydidthatonce,anditonlycausedmeheartacheintheend.Ittookmealongtimetorealizelovingsomeonedidn’tmeanacceptingthemforalltheirfaults,buttocallthemoutontheirissuesbecauseyoucareenoughtonotwantthemtosuffer.
IwasjusttooyoungwhenCalandIfirstgottogethertounderstandthatconcept.
“Contrarytopopularbelief,myaddictiondoesn’tmakeupmyentirepersonality,althoughmybrothersandthemediasureliketomakeitseemthatway.”Hekeepshisvoicelightdespitethetightnessinhisjaw.
“Iknowthat.”Whichisexactlywhyhavingafront-rowseattohimspiralingwasthatmuchmorepainful.Iknewthepersonhewaswhileonopioidsandalcoholdidn’tholdacandletothemanIknewhecouldbe.
Hesighs.“Idon’texpectustopickupwhereweleftoffgivenourpastandthefactthatyou’reinarelationship.”
Inarelationship?Whatthe…
BeforeIcanask,hecontinues,“ButIhopewecanatleastbecivilwitheachother.”
“Whybother?It’snotlikeyouplanonstickingaroundforlong.”Ikeepmyfaceexpressionlessdespitethestingofpainovermyheart.
“Aboutthat…”
No.
“SinceIplanonbeingveryinvolvedinthehousesalefromstarttofinish,andalltherentalsaroundthelakearealreadybookedsolidfromMaytoSeptember,I’mgoingtoneedtostayatthehouseuntilit’ssold.”
Hijodeputa.“No.”
“Youcan’tkeepmeoutofmyownhouse.”
Myfingersitchtowrapthemselvesaroundhisneck.“What’swrongwiththemotel?”
“Doyouwanttheshortorthelonglist?Choosewiselybecausewemightbehereallday.”
Deepbreath,Alana.“Youcan’tseriouslyexpectustolivetogether.”
Heshakeshisheadhardenoughtomakesomeofhishairfallinfrontofhiseyes.“Ofcoursenot.Iplanonstayingattheguesthouse.ThatwayIcanhaveaccesstothemainhousewheneverIneeditwhilestillgivingyouprivacy.”
Intheory,Cal’sideaisn’tterrible.Theguesthouseislocatedatthebackofthepropertywithitsownprivateentrancetothemainroad.IcouldeasilypretendCalisn’tthere,solongaswedon’trunintoeachotherbythelake.
Youcan’tseriouslybeconsideringthis.
WhatchoicedoIhave?Calisright.Ican’tkeephimoutofthehousewithhimbeingaco-owner,andhisideatostayattheguesthouseisfarbetterthanhimaskingtoliveatthemainhouse.
“Whydoyouneedaccesstothehouse?”
“BecauseIneedtopackupwhateverstuffwasleftbehindbymyfamily,includingthatspeciallittlecollectionyoumentionedintheattic.”
Ialmostfeelbadforhim.Theatticisahoarder’sdream,packedtotherafterswithstuffBradycollectedoverthedecades.Itwouldtakeanyoneatleasttwoweekstoworktheirwaythroughallthosebelongings.
Butifhepacksitall,thenyouwon’thaveto.
Thedealistempting.Ineverhadthewillpowertoeventry,soImightaswelltakeadvantageofCalbeingheretofreeupsomespaceandclearoutthelastbitofclutterleftbehindfromtheKanes.Then,IcaneraseanyremindersoftheKanesandmakethehousecompletelymine.
WiththeplanIhavesetinplace,itmightaswellbe.EvenifCalownshalfofit,hewillneversellwiththepriceIhaveinmind.
Iliftmychin.“Fine.ButIdon’twantyouinsidethehouseunlessI’mthere.”
“Why?Soyoucankeepaneyeonme?”
Myeyesnarrow.“LikeI’devertrustyouaroundmystuff.”
“Probablyforthebestafterthatincidentwithyourvibrator.”Heflashesmeaknowingsmile.
Mycheeksburn,theheatquicklyspreadingtotherestofmyface.
Yousetyourselfupforthatone.
Islideoutofthebooth.
“Runningawayalready?Thingswerejuststartingtogetinteresting.”Hisbrightgrinisfullofpromise.
“Bye.”
“Areyousureyouwanttogo?Ididn’tevengetaroundtomentioningthetimeIfoundthoseh—”
Islapmyhandoverhismouth.Cal’sspeechcomesoutmuffledashelooksupatmewithwideeyes.
Ileaninandwhisper,“Let’sgetonethingclearrightnow.Nomatterwhat,wedon’tspeakaboutwhathappenedthelastsummeryouwerehere.”I’mnotsureIwouldsurvivehimbeinghereifwedo.
Hiseyesnarrow.
Ipressharderagainsthismouth.“Doyouunderstand?”
Henipsatthesoftskinofmypalm,andIfightafull-onbodyshudderasIreleasehim.
“Notspeakingaboutitdoesn’tchangewhatwedid.”
“I’mnottryingtochangeit.I’mtryingtoforgetit.”Iwalkawaywithanextraswaytomyhips,earningasoftgroanfromthemanbehindme.
Cal:0.Alana:1.Ifitweren’tformeneedingtoreturntoChicagoformycat,Merlin,andafewmorepiecesofclothing,Iwouldn’thavebotheredattendingtheKaneCompanyboardmeeting.Mypresenceisn’trequiredunlessthereisavotesinceIdon’thaveanactivepositionwithinthecompany.
TheonlyreasonI’vebotheredsittingthroughtheboringmeetingsinthefirstplaceistofuckwithmyfather.HehasalwayshatedmebeingontheboardeversincemygrandfatherappointedmesixyearsagoafterItoremyACL,soI’vemadeitapointtositthrougheachmiserablemeetingsolelytospitehim
Tothinkpeopleaccusemeofnothavingalife’spurpose.
EverytimeIstepintotheKaneCompany’scorporateofficeforameeting,I’mhitwiththesameurgetorunstraightoutthefrontdoor.It’slikemysensesgohaywireduetoenvironmentaloverstimulation.Despitealltheyearsdealingwithsensoryprocessingissues,Istillstrugglewithnothyper-fixatingonhowmytiefeelstootightandmysuittooscratchy.
ThisrighthereiswhyI’mnotcutoutforcorporatelife.Mybrothersarethecompleteopposite,oozingconfidenceastheyspeakupthroughouttheboardmeeting.Bothofthemlooklikecorporatecloneswiththeirdark,slicked-backhair,pristinepinstripesuits,andperfectlygroomedstubble.It’sobvioustheyhavealwaysbeensuitedforcompany
TheHeadofAcquisitionsandSalesforadivisionofourstreamingservice,DreamStream,risesfromhischairandstandsatthefrontoftheroom.Hefumblesthroughhisfirstfewslides,whichcatchesmyattention.Imightnotbebusinesssavvylikemybrothers,butI’mapeoplepersonwhonoticeseverything.Thereisaslightsheentohisskinthatonlyseemstogetworsethelongermyfatherstaresathimwithpiercingdarkeyesandaconstantscowl.
Thepresenteruseshislaserpointertohighlightagraph.“MonthlysubscriptionsforourDreamStreamplatformhavedecreasedbytwelvepercentoverthelastquarter.”
“Twelvepercent?Ontopofthepreviousquarter’ssixpercentloss?”Ispeakoutforpossiblythefirsttimethisyear.
Everysinglepersonsittingintheconferenceroomlooksoveratme,includingmybrothers.Declan’sdarkbrowsraisewhileRowan’sbrowneyesgowide.Myfatherfacesforwardwithaclenchedjaw,apermanentexpressionhehasworneversinceItookmyfirstbreath.
Theoldermanatthefrontoftheroomgivingthepresentationfiddleswithhisclickerbeforeprogressingtothenextslide.“Right.Carryingon…Ourresearchshowsthatfamiliesarecuttingbackonmonthlysubscriptionservicesduetoincreasedcompetitionandoversaturationofthemarket.Basedonourpolls,wewerevotedthesecondmostlikely
“Didyouaskthemwhythatwas?”Ipress.
“Well…yes.Itcomesdowntotwomainthings:affordabilityandcontent.”
“Butifitwastrulyanissueofaffordability,thenotherstreamingserviceswouldbestrugglingjustasmuch.”
Rowanturnstowardme,pinningmewithhisdarkgaze.“What’sgottenintoyou?”
Igivehimanonchalantshrug.“Myinterestispiqued.”
“Thenwebettertakeadvantagebeforeyouloseitagain.”Hisbrowneyeslightup.
Iknowmybrothermeanswell,butallhedoesisdiscouragemefromcontinuingmylineofquestions.ThelastthingIwantistogivepeopleareasontowantmorefromme.Beingthefamilyrejectisaneasygig,andRowan’scommentremindsmeofthat.
Noexpectations.Nodisappointments.
Mylifemotto.
Aftertheboardmeeting,Declanwavesmedowntotalkbutsomeonedistractshim,givingmetimetoescape.I’mnotinthemoodtodealwithhimafterourfightlastweek.Mywalktotheelevatorsisaquickone,withnoonebotheringtostopmetochat.
Thedoorsbegintoshut,butahandshootsout,causingthemtoreopen.TheyparttorevealtheonepersonIwouldn’twanttoshareasinglesecondwith,letalonetheminutetripittakestogettothelobby.
Youknewtherewasariskofthishappening.
Myfather’susualscowlonlydeepensashetakesalookatmewithhisdark,beadyeyes.“Leavingalready?”
“NowthatIcrossedoffannoyingyoufromtoday’sto-dolist,I’malldone.”Ireadjustmysuitfortheumpteenthtime.
“Doyouhaveanyintentionofdoingsomethingusefulwithyourlife?”
“I’mnotsure.Iconsideredlearningtojuggle,butthenIsawavideoaboutukuleles,soIstartedgettingintothatduringmysparetime.”
Hescoffs.“Yourentirelifeisconsideredsparetime.Youhavenojob,nopurpose,noanythingbutaloadedtrustfundthatshouldn’tevenbeyours.”
“Iseeyou’restillbitteraboutMomsettingupthattrustfundformewithoutyourknowledge,butyoushouldreallyletitgo.Mytherapistsaysitisn’tgoodtokeepallthatinside.”
“TheonlybitternessIhavetowardyourmotherishersoftspotforyou.”
Igivehisshoulderasqueeze,matchingthewaymychestfeelsfromhiswords.“Aw,Pops.Don’tholditagainsther.Shebelievedinyoutooafterall,andweknowwhatamonsteryouturnedouttobe.”
Hisnostrilsflare.“You’resuchadisappointment.”
“AtleastI’mdoingonethingright.”
“Youthinkthisisfunny?Thatbeingthefamilyjokeisanaccomplishment?Wakeup.You’reapatheticwasteofspacewhoshouldn’tevenbeallowedinthisbuildinggivenhowyou’reastaintoourlastname.”
Mychestthrobs,butIhidemypainwithasmile.“Thismightbethemostyou’vetalkedtomeinanentireyear.”
Myfathermakesanoiseinthebackofhisthroat.Disdainrollsoffhiminwaves,butIignoreit.Ilearnedlongagothatgettingangryandshowinghiswordsmattermeanshewins.
Ican’twaittoearnmysharesandruinmyfather’schanceatevercontrollingthecompanyagain.WhateverletterandinheritancemygrandfatherlefthimwillneveradduptothepercentageofsharesmybrothersandIwillhavecombined.Evenifheinheritsthe6percentofsharesthatarestillunaccountedfor,hewillneverhaveenoughpowertooverturnusagain.
Tensionbuildsbetweenus,withneitherofussayingasingleword.HestaresatmelikeI’mthebaneofhisexistence,andIdoeverythingtokeepmysmileinplace.
Killthemwithkindness,Momusedtosay.
Ihopemyfatherchokesonit.
Theelevatordings,andthedoorsopentothebusytenthfloor.Agroupofpeopleshuffleintotheelevator,endingourtoxicexchange.MyfathermovestoonecornerwhileIsituatemyselfnearthedoorsformygreatescape.
AlthoughIletamajorityofmyfather’scommentsbounceoffofme,sometimesIstruggle.I’monlyhumanafterall.Myfatherhasalwaysbeengoodwithpickingatmyweaknesses.Itisn’thardforhim,especiallyonceIgotinjuredplayinghockeyandlosttheonethingthatmademefeelspecial.
HepokedandproddeduntilIspiraled,turningmyselfintoacopyofthepersonIresentmost.
Him.
“I’mgoingtomissyou,littleguy.”IristucksMerlinagainstherchest.Itonlytookmycattwoyearstowarmuptoher,andnowthey’rethebestoffriends.Hisblackfurcontrastsagainstherbrownskin,bringingoutthedeepshadesinboth.
“He’llbebackinafewmonths.”Izipupmyluggagebeforeplacingituprightonthefloor.
Hersmiledrops.“Months?Idon’tthinkIcanmakeitthatlongwithoutyouhere.”
“Andtheycallmeoverlydependent…”
Shesmacksmeinthearm.“Shutup.WhatifDeclanandIcometovisityou?I’vealwayswantedtoseethelakeafterallyourstories,andyou’retheonewhosaidthesummerswerealwaysthebest.”
“Uhh…”
“Trytolookalittlelesshorrified,willya?”Shepinchestheskinbetweenmyribs.
“Letmegetsettledfirstandthenwecantalkaboutyouvisiting.Okay?”
“Fine.”SheletsMerlingobeforedroppingontomycouch.“Whatwasitlikebeingback?”
“I’mstillprocessingallofit.”
Thegoldbeadsattheendsofherbraidsclinktogetherasshetiltsherhead.“Thatbad?”
“IknewLanawasangryatme…”
“Butyouranbeforeyouhadtodealwithit.”
Itipmychin.“Exactly.”
“Well,youhavetofaceyourpasteventually.”
“ItfeelslikeI’mbeingslappedacrossthefacewithitrepeatedly.”
Shelaughs.“Maybeallofthiswillbegoodforyou.Itcouldhelpyougetsomeclosure.”
Ifallontotheleatherchairacrossfromher.“WhosaysIneedclosure?”
“Thefactthatyouhaven’tbeeninaromanticrelationshipforsixyears.”
Ararefrowncrossesmyface.“Ihaven’tbeeninterested.”Thelieslipsouteasily,perfectedaftermasteringtheartofpretendingnottogiveafuck.
Ofcourse,Iaminterested,butthatdoesn’tmakeitpossible.AtleastnotwhenI’mstillascrewed-upmess.
Irisstaresatmewithnarrowedeyes.“Areyousureaboutthat?”
“Yes.”
“Couldhavefooledmewiththewayyouaskedmeoutonadate.”
Ilaunchapillowdirectlyatherface.“Thatwasajoke.”
“Saysthemanwhokissedme.”
“Andthenproceededtothrowupafterward.”
Sheshivers.“Don’tremindme.”
I’mnotsurewhosedrunkenideaitwas,butourkisswasamistakethemomentithappened.OurlackofromanticchemistrywasadeadgiveawaythatIrisandIwouldneverbemorethanfriends.
Sheshakesherhead.“Puttingmeaside,you’llneverbeabletomoveontosomeonenewifyou’restillholdingontothememoryofsomeoneelse.”
Mystomachchurns.“I’mnotholdingontothememoryofsomeoneelse.”
“Really?Thengivemeyourwallet.”Sheholdsoutherhand.
“No.”
ShecrossesherarmsagainstherpinkT-shirt.“ExactlylikeIthought.”
Myeyesnarrow.“Holdingontoaphotoisn’tacrime.”
“It’snotthephotobutwhatitsymbolizesthatmatters.”
“Andwhat’sthat?”
“Thatapartofyouwillalwaysloveapartofher,nomatterhowhardyoutrytodenyit.”
“It’simpossiblenottoloveher.”
Irisleansforward.“Soyouadmitthatyouloveher.”
“Ineverdenieditinthefirstplace.Thosekindsoffeelingsdon’tjustgoaway,asmuchasIwishtheydid.”
“Idon’thaveagoodfeelingaboutthis.”Sherubshertemple.
“Noneedtoworry.Iknowthatthereisnochanceinhellthatweareevergettingbacktogether.”
ImadesureofthatthemomentIwalkedawayfromher,turningherfearofabandonmentintoareality.
AndI’veneverforgivenmyself.
It’snotuntilIrisleavesforthenightthatIpulloutmywalletandsearchforthepictureshespokeabout.Theedgesofthesmallphotoarewornfromyearsofwear-and-tearandcountlesswallettransfers.
It’sbeenoveradecadesincethephotowastaken,butIrememberthedaylikeitwasyesterday.Lana’smomtookitofusthesummerafterIcamebackfromrehab.Bothofusareonthedock,drinkingcholadosColombianostocelebratemytwenty-firstbirthday.Lanastaresintothecameralens,eyesbrightandfacebeaming,whilemyfocusissolelyonher.
It’sobviousIlovedher,evenbackthen,althoughIneveractedonmyfeelings.Iwashappytostayfriendswhilewewerebothfiguringoutourlives.Lanahadjustturnedeighteen,andIwasfreshoutofrehabandstillstrugglingwiththestressorsofmylife.AndthenIgotdraftedintotheNationalHockeyLeaguewhenLanawasn’teventwentyyet.Neitheroneofuswerereadyforthesacrificesweneededtomaketobetogether,soinstead,wekeptthingsplatonic.Itnearlykilledmeinside,butIknewshewasworththewait.
Atleastuntilyoufuckedthingsupforgood.
Iflipthepictureoverandtracethewordsshewroteontheback.
Getdrunkonlife,notalcohol.
Love,
Lana
Shegaveittomeasapartinggiftthatsummer,andIhavekeptiteversince
Atfirst,itwasthepushIneededtostaysober.AnytimeIwastemptedtodrink,I’dpullouthermessageandstareatituntilthedemonsleftmealone.Ithelpedmestayontrackforafewyearsdespiteallthetemptationssurroundingme.ButthenItoremyACLandlostmyhockeycareer,makingiteasytoslipbackintodestructivehabits.
Truthis,Ilostmorethanmyjobthatyear.Ilostmyself.MylifebecameaseriesofbaddecisionsasItriedtofixthegapingholeinmychest.
IttookGrandpa’saccidenttogetmeonthestraightandnarrow.ButbythetimeIgotontherightpath,itwastoolate.Thegirlwhopromisedmeforeverhadherarmswrappedaroundsomeoneelse,andI…
Iwastoolate.MyneckcranesasItakeinallthreestoriesofthelakehouse.Inbroaddaylight,thereisnowaytohidetheimperfectionsplaguingthehome.Thechippedpaintandrottingwoodsidingdoesn’tbodewell,especiallywhenpairedwiththetarpcoveringamajorityoftheroof.Mostofthewindowslookoutdatedandtheirwoodframesdecrepitfromoldage.Vinescrawluptheexteriorwalls,completelyoutofcontrolasiftheywanttoswallowthehousewhole.
Maybethat’sforthebest.
Thehouseisawreck.Initscurrentstate,I’llbeluckyifIfindabuyerwillingtopurchasetheplace.
Allyouneedtodoisfindonepersonwillingtotakeachance.That’sall.
Ireleaseatensebreathbeforeringingthedoorbell.IttakesLanaawholeminutetoanswerthedoor,hereyesbarelyopenandherhairawreckasshestepsoutontotheporchwearingnothingbutanoversizedT-shirtthatbarelyreacheshermid-thigh.Thematerialfallslooselyoverhercurves,accentuatingtheshapeofherbreasts.
Bloodrushesthroughmybody,directlytowardthesourceofmynewestproblem.Iwipemyfacewithmypalm.“Pleasetellmeyoudon’tmakeitahabitofopeningdoorsdressedlikethat.”
“What’swrongwithmyclothes?”Shelooksdown.
“Thefactthatyou’rebarelywearingany.”
Shecrossesherarms,whichonlypushesherboobsup.“You’retheoneshowinguponaSaturdaymorningwithoutaninvitation.”
“Ineedthekeystotheguesthouse.”Mymolarssmashtogether.
“Oh.”Herlipspresstogether.“Givemeasecond.”Shedisappearsintothehousebeforecomingbackaminutelaterwithakeyring.
Ireachtograbit,butsheclutchesitagainstherchest.
“Holdon.”
“What?”
“Howlongdoyouplanonstaying?”
Igrin.“Tryingtogetridofmealready?”
“No,althoughI’msurethemicestayingintheguesthousewilldothatforme.”
“Mice?”Myeyeswiden.
“Awholefamilyofthem.”Shehasanextraspecialglintinhereyes.
Ishrugliketheideaofmicedoesn’trepulseme.“Noproblem.Merlinwilllovethechallenge.”
“Who’sMerlin?”
“Mycat.”
Herheadtipstotheside.“Youhaveacat?”
“Surprised?”
“Thatyoucantakecareofaliving,breathingorganism?Absolutely.”Shedelivershervenom-coatedwordswithavicioussmilethatdoeswondersformydick.Bloodflowsdirectlytothesource,makingthefrontofmypantsuncomfortablytight.
Ireachforthekeysagain,butsheclutchestheminatightfist.
“Wait.”
“Why?Soyoucaninsultmesomemore?”
Shetakesadeepbreath.“Ihaveonethingtoaskofyou.”
“What?”Iquittappingmyfoot.
“Don’ttalkaboutsellingthehousewhenCamiishere.”
Myforeheadscrunches.“Shedoesn’tknow?”
“Nope,andIplanonkeepingitthatway.”Hergazedropstowardherglossyredtoenails.
Whatareyouhiding,Lana?
“She’sgoingtofindouteventually,especiallywhenI’mpackingstuffintoboxes,”Ipress.
Herjawticks.“HowIhandlethingswithmydaughterisnoneofyourbusiness.”
“Fine.Iwon’ttellCamiaboutthehouse.Butifsheasksmequestions—”
Shedoesn’tbotherlettingmefinishmysentence.“Deflectlikeyoualwaysdo.It’soneofthefewthingsyou’reactuallygoodat.”
“IseemtorememberyouthinkingIwasgoodatmorethanjustthat.”Ifightmyfrownwithasmile,althoughherwordspierceatwhatlittleconfidenceIhaveleft.
Hernostrilsflareashercheeksturnpink.Sheallbutlaunchesthekeysdirectlyatmyfacebeforeslammingthedoorshut.
Totallyworthit.
Lanaisafilthyliar.Icheckedtheguesthousetwiceforanymiceanddidn’tfindasinglecritter.ThehouseisinfarbetterconditionthanIthoughtitwouldbeinafterbeingabandonedforafewyears.Mygrandfatherbuiltitforanyvisitorslongafterhemovedin,sothemodest1,100-square-footfloorplanismoremoderncomparedtothemainhouse.Withthreebedroomsanditsownprivatedock,it’stheperfecthideaway.
IletMerlinoutofhiscrateandsetuphislitterboxandwaterbowlbeforespendingtheentiredaycleaningthehousefromtoptobottom.AlthoughIconsideredhiringacrewtohelpme,Idecidedtodoitmyselftokeepmymindbusy.It’snotlikeIhaveajoboranyrealresponsibilitiesbesidescompletingmypartofthewill.
Ilosetrackoftime.It’snotuntilmystomachgrowlsthatIfinallystopcleaninganddriveintotownfordinner.Mostoftherestaurantsareclosedalready,soI’mleftwithonlyoneoption.
Thediner.
ThebellabovemeringsasIopenthedoor.
“Youagain?”Isabellesighsfrombehindthecounter.Acoupleofpeopleturnintheirbarstoolstosearchforwhomsheistalkingto,onlytoglareoncetheireyeslandonme.
“Nicetoseeyoutoo,Isabelle.”
“Thefeelingisn’tmutual.”Shewalkstowardthehostessstandatthefrontofthediner.
“Youknow,I’mstartingtothinksmalltownsaren’tassweetandcharmingaspeoplemakethemouttobe.”
“Oh,weare…toanyonebutyou.”
“Youwoundme.”Irubatthespotabovemyheartwithapout.
Shesmacksmyheadwithoneofthemenusbeforeshowingmetoacornerboothtowardtheback.Thereareonlyafewpeopleseatedthroughouttheplace,allofwhomwatchmetakemyseat.
“WhatcanIgetyoutodrink,Hal?”Shetapshernotepadwiththetipofherpen.
“It’sCal.”
“StickaroundforlongenoughthistimeandmaybeeventuallyI’llgetitright.”
“Isthatthereasonwhyyouhatemenow?”
Herlipsturndown.“Idon’thateyou.”
“Areyousure?”
“Mymommaraisedmebetterthantohateanyone,includingtrustfundbabieslikeyou.”
Myheadtilts.“Thenwhydoyoudislikeme?”
“Forthesamereasonamajorityofthetowndoes.”
Well,atleastshe’shonest.“Isitbecauseofmydrinking?”
Shescoffs.“No,althoughthatdoesn’thelpmatters.”
“Thenwhat?”
“It’sbecauseyoubrokeAlana’sheart.”
Mysmileslips.
“We’reasmalltownhere.Whenoneofushurts,wealldo.”Shetiltsherheadinthedirectionofamanglidingintothedineronanelectricwheelchair.“WhenFredstruggledtoaffordanewwheelchair,weallchippedintobuyhimafancyelectricone.”Shepointsherpenatawomanwipingthecountertopwitharag.“Betsytheremarriedarichout-of-townerwithaheavyfistandtheinabilitytounderstandthewordno.Anddoyouknowwhatwedidtohim?”
“Choppedhimupintolittlepiecesandspreadhisremainsacrosstheforest?”
Herlipstwitch.“Wewish.Wyattandthenewsheriffkeepusinline,sowewereforcedtogoaboutthingsthelegalway.Drovehimoutoftownbyhiringafancylawyerfromthebigcity.Everyonepitchedintopaythefee,anditwaswortheverypennybecausenowBetsyandherkidsarefreetolivetheirlives.”
Iswallowhard.“That’sgood.”
“Bottomlineisthatwelookafterourownhere.IfAlanadoesn’twantyouaround,thenwhoarewetomakeyoufeelcomfortable?”
Mylipspresstogether.
“It’snosweatoffourbacksafterwesawwhathappenedtoAlanathelasttimeyouleft.”
Fuck.
Mystomachrolls,theacidclimbingupmythroat.
Youneedtogetoutofhere.
Myeyesflickertothedoor.
Isabellestepsintomyeyeline,forcingmetolookupather.
“We’retheoneswhohadtowatchAlanastrugglewithheartbreakthelasttimeyouleft.Shestoppedgoingout,lostweight,andbarelyspenttimearoundanyonebesideshermamaandtwobestfriends.Itwaslikeshewasfadingawaybeforeourveryeyes.Notthatshewouldevertellyouthatbecausethatgirlistoosweetforsomeonelikeyou.”
Desperationtoescapeclawsatmythroat.Ireachfortheflaskinmypocket,onlytopausewhenIsabellecatchesthemovement.
Herbrowarches.“I’mnotsurewhyyou’rebackorwhatyouwantwithourgirl,butthewholetownwillbewatchingclosely.Oneslipupandyouwillwishyouneverreturned.”
Mytonguefeelsheavyagainsttheroofofmymouth.“I’mnotheretohurther.”
“Foryoursake,youbetterhopenot.I’llbebackwithawater.”Sheturnsaway,leavingmetoprocesseverythingshesaid.
MyeyesscrewshutasIfighttheurgetotakeasipfrommyflask.
Youdon’tneedtodrinkeverytimesomeonesayssomethingyoudon’tlike.
Myhandstrembleagainstmylap.
Alcoholwon’tchangeyourreality.
I’mnotlookingtochangeit,butrathercopewithit.YetnomatterhowmanydeepbreathsItakeorwhatItellmyself,Isabelle’swordspoisonmychancesofmakingitthroughmymealwithoutdrinking.
Shewasfadingawaybeforeourveryeyes.
TheacidinmybellybubbleswitheachreminderofhowmuchLanastruggledafterIleft.Howshestruggledtolivebecauseofme.
Didyoureallyexpecthertomoveonfromonedaytothenext?
No,butIwantedmoreforherthanmeandmyissues.
Ipulltheflaskoutandtakeaswigbeforetuckingitbackintomypocket.
Myphonevibrates.
Iris
Hey!Howwasyourday?
AboutasgoodasIexpected.Whatareyouupto?
HertextcomesbackaminutelaterafterIsabellestopsbytotakemyorder.
Iris
WatchingDeclancookdinner.
Atleastoneofusishavingahome-cookedmealtonight.
Yousoundjealous.
MaybebecauseIam.NotofIrisandDeclanperse,butofhowmysituationcomparestotheirs.Iknowit’snotright.Itmakesmefeelsicktobeanythingbuthappyforthem.Butthereisthispartofme—oneIrarelyliketoacknowledge—thatwishesIhadwhattheyhad.
Iwanttobehappy.Itrysodamnhard,yetnomatterhowbigIsmileorhowloudIlaugh,Ialwaysfeelempty.It’sacold,creepingfeelingthatconsumesmelateintothenight,untilI’mforcedtowelcomemyoldfrenemy.
Addiction
Myphonebuzzesfromanincomingtext.
Iris
Hejustburnedhimselftakingthebreadoutoftheovenandthenproceededtocurseinfivedifferentlanguages.
Mysadnessdissipateswithalaugh.
Shouldn’tyoubehelpinghim?
Iris
We’reamoderncouple,Cal.Hecooks.Iwatch.Hecleans.Ialsowatch.
Isthatthekeytoasuccessfulmarriage?
Iris:
Thatandabigdick.
Ichokeonmysuddeninhaleofair.
“IthoughtitwasyousittingherebutIwantedtomakesure.”
IlookupatWyatt,whosebodycastsashadowovermyphone.Hisdarkhairpeeksoutfromunderneathhisdeputyhat,teasingtheedgeofhisuniformcollar.
“Wyatt.”Myteethgrindtogether.
Hetipshishatlikeagentleman,temptingmetoknockitoffhishead.“Iheardyouwereback.”
“Alanatoldyou?”
Heshakeshishead.“Cami.”
Ofcourseshedid.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“JustthoughtIwouldstopbyandgiveyouawarmLakeWisteriawelcome.”
Icockabrow.“Istheresuchathing?”
“Everyonehereisgoodpeople.”
“Solongasyoudon’tpissthemoff,”Igrumble.
ThecrackleofWyatt’scopradiointerruptsus,andheadjuststhevolumewithaquickturnoftheknob.“Speakingaboutthat…IwantedtowarnyoutostayawayfromAlanaandCami.”
“Awarning?Howutterlyunoriginal.”
Heleansforwardwhileholdingontohisholsterwithatightgrip.“Doyouhaveadeathwish?”
“No,althoughI’msureyouwouldbemorethanwillingtoputabulletinmyhead.Afterall,youdidn’tmindstabbingmeinthebackassoonasIleft.”
Hiseyesnarrow.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“YouandAlana.”
“Whataboutus?”Hedoesn’tevenblink.
“Howlongdidittakeyoutogoaftermygirl?”
“She’snotyouranything.”
Myfingersdigintothesoftfleshofmypalms.“Alanamightbeyoursnow,butI’llalwaysbeherfirstineverywaythatcounts.”Firstkiss.Firstlove.Firstheartbreak.NomatterhowhardWyatttries,hewillneverbeabletoeraseourhistory,evenlongafterIleavethisgodforsakentownforthefinaltime.
Withthewayhestaresatme,itfeelsasifheisreadingmysoul.“Areyou…jealous?”
“Jealousofyou?Whatfor?”Igivehimanunimpressedonce-over.
“Myquestionexactly.”Hislipscurveupward,onlystokingmyirritationlikeonewouldfanaflame.
Isabellearriveswithmyburger,savingmefromWyattandhisperceptivestare
Igesturetowardmyplate.“Ifyoudon’tmind,I’drathereatmydinnerinpeacewithoutyourtoxicmasculinitystinkinguptheplace.”
“Ofcourse.Niceseeingyou,Percival.”Hetipshishat.
Himcallingmebymymiddlenameremindsmeoftoomuch,allatonce.Mystomachchurns,andthefoodinfrontofmebecomesinedible.
Ifliphimoff.“Fuckyou,Eugene.”
“IthinkI’llfuckAlanainstead,butthanksfortheoffer.”Hewinks.
Thebastard.Myrighteyetwitches.
“MaybeI’llevengotheretonight.”Hiseyesbrighten.“It’snotlikeyoucouldhearusallthewayfromtheguesthouse,right?”
Ialwayskeptmyaggressionontheiceandawayfromothers,butallittakesisWyattgrinningatme,talkingaboutfuckingLana,totipmeovertheedge.
Iboltfrommyseatandreachforhim.EitherI’moutofpracticeorhelearnedsomenewmovesbecauseIendupslammedagainstatable,myhandscuffedbehindmybackwithinfivesecondsflat.It’sembarrassinghowquicklyhetakesmedown,soI’mgratefulonlyfivepeoplebearwitness.
Asifshereadmymind,Isabelleholdsuphercellphoneandsnapsaphoto.Ifthatendsupontheinternet,DeclanwillhangmebytheDreamlandflagpoleforalltheparkvisitorstosee.
Wyattpullsmeupandshovesmetowardthedinerentrance.“Welcomeback,asshole.”“Youwhat?!”Ireachoutforthedoorframetoholdmeup.TheflashingblueandredlightsontopofWyatt’scruiserlightupthehouse.EventhoughItookmycontactsoutbeforebed,IcanmakeoutCal’ssilhouetteinthebackofWyatt’spolicecar,glaringaholeintohisback.
“Ijustwantedtogetunderhisskin.”Wyatt’sgazedropstohisboots.
“WyattEugeneWilliamsthethird.Whatwereyouthinking?”
Hisweightshifts.“I’msorry.”
IsmackhishatrightoffhisheadsinceIcan’tslaphisfacearound.“Delilahisgoingtobesopissedatyouforinsinuatingyouweregoingtofuckme.”
“IalreadygotanearfulfromDeewhenIcalledtoletherknowIwouldbelatetonight.ShetoldmetogosleepoutontheporchlikeadogifIwashell-bentonactinglikeone.”
“Idon’tblameher.Yousaidyouweregoingto…”Nope.Can’tevenfinishthatsentence.
Mystomachrollsinprotest.ThereisnowayIwouldevertouchWyatt,letalonescrewaroundwithhimsinceheisnotonlyagoodfriend,butmybestfriend’shusband.
Wyattcrosseshisarmsagainsthisuniform.“Ithinkhe’sjealous.”
Iletoutaloudlaugh.“Noway.”
“Hetriedtochokeme,Alana.”
“Cal?”
“Yes,Cal!Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenhimthatpissedbefore.Itcaughtmeoffguard.”
ItrytowrapmyheadaroundCalattackinganyone.TheonlytimeIsawhimunhingedwaswhileplayinghockey,anditneverwentpastthearena.Ever.
Ishakemyhead.“He’sgotthepersonalityofagoldenretriever.”
“Yeah,arabidone.Ipanickedforamomentbeforemytrainingkickedin.”
Irubmyeyes.“Isheunderarrest?”
“Hellno.ThereisnowayIwouldrisklosingmyjobforthat.”
Ofcoursenot.ArrestingaKaneonanythinglessthantaxfraudoramurderchargewouldbecauseforimmediatedismissal.
Isigh.“Whydidyoubringhimhereinsteadoftheguesthouse?”
Wyattgrabsthehandcuffkeysfromhisbelt.“SinceIcan’tarresthim,Ithoughtitwouldbeafunwaytotorturehim.”Heleansforwardandplacesbothhishandsonthedoorframe.FromCal’svantagepoint,itprobablylookslikehemightevenbekissingme.
“You’reaskingforit.”Igivehisshoulderashove.
“I’mdoingittosaveyoufromhimsniffingaround.”
IpeekoverWyatt’sshouldertofindCalthrowingdaggerswithhiseyes.“Becarefuluncuffinghim.Helooksprettypissedoff.”
Wyattlaughsashejogsbacktohiscarandopensthebackdoor.HeisquicktounlockthehandcuffsandsendCalonhismerrywaywithanothertipofhishat.
“Seeyoutomorrow,Alana!”Wyattshoutsatthetopofhislungs.
Callooksoverhisshoulder.Ican’tmakeouttheexpressiononhisfacesinceheisturnedintheoppositedirection,butIgetagoodlookathiscurledfists.HekeepshiseyesonWyattuntilhistaillightsdisappeardownthedriveway.
Calwalksslowlytowardthehouse,drawingouttheprocess.Hestillhasn’tlookeddirectlyatme,sothecloserhegets,thehardermyheartpounds.
“So,firstnighthereandyou’realreadygettingarrested.”Ileanagainstthedoorframeandcrossmylegsattheankles.
Helooksupwithnarrowedeyes.“Technically,Iwasdetained.”Herubsathiswrists.
Ishakemyhead.“Whatwereyouthinking,tryingtoassaultanofficer?”
“Areyoufuckinghim?”heasksthroughgrittedteeth.
Myheartratespikes.It’sonethingtoaccusemeofsleepingwithsomeoneelse,butit’sacompletelydifferentissueforhimtothinkIwouldsleepwithhisoldbestfriend.Insteadofallowingmyirritationtoguidemyreply,Ichooseadifferenttactic.
“WoulditmatterifIam?”
Oh,Alana.Youknowbetterthantotaunthim.
Hisnostrilsflare.“Hellyeah,itmatters.Youshouldhearthewayhespeaksaboutyou.”
Wyatt,IhopeDelilahgivesyouhellwhenyougethome.“It’snoneofyourbusinesswhoIhookupwith.”
Herubshisclenchedjaw,asifitcanerasethetic.“Youcandobetterthanhim.”
“He’snotthatbad.”
“Whataglowingreviewforaguywhoprobablycouldn’tfindyourclitevenifitwaslabeledwithaneonsign.”
Ichokeonmylaughter,killingitbeforehehasachancetohearit.“Cal.”
Hisnostrilsflare.“What?”
“Wyattwasright.Youarejealous.”
Hescoffs.“I’mnotjealous.”
“Good,becauseifyouplanonstayinghere,you’regoingtobeseeingWyattalot.I’dhateforthingstobe…uncomfortable.”
Stopbaitinghim.
It’shardnottowhenheisclearlyjealousyetwon’tadmitit.
So,whatifheis?It’snotlikeitmatters.
Eachofhisfingersflexbeforecurlingbackintothemselves.“That’sfine.”
“Areyousure?Youdidtrytochokehimlessthantwentyminutesago.”
“AndI’ddoitalloveragainifIheardsomeonetalkingaboutyouthewayhedid.”
Myheartbeatsharderagainstmyribcage.“Likewhat?”
“Likeyoudidn’tmattertothem.”
Mycontroloverthesituationslips,alongwiththeprotectiveshellIkeeparoundmyheart.“Cal…”
ThisisexactlywhatIwasafraidofifhecameback.Itwasalwayseasytopickbackupwhereweleftoffeverysummer,likenotimewaslostbetweenus.
Butwelostmorethantimeoverthelastsixyearssinceheleft.
Welostoutonwhateverfuturewemighthavehadtogether.
Hebreakseyecontactfirst.“Whatever.Itwasstupidofmetogetpissed.Solongashemakesyouhappy,that’swhatmatters.”
ThisistheCalIfellinlovewith.Theselflessmanwhowouldstopatnothingtomakemehappy,evenifitmeantsacrificinghisownhappinessintheprocess.Itremindsmesomuchofhowhewasbeforethepills,alcohol,andlies.
Beforethebetrayal
“I’mnotdatingWyatt.”Myconfessionrushesoutofme.
Hisbrowsshootup.“What?”
“HemarriedDelilahalmostayearago.They’recelebratingtheirfirstweddinganniversaryinSeptember.”
“WyattgotmarriedtoDelilah?”
Icrossmyarmsagainstmychest.“Yup.Iguessyouweretoobusytryingtochokehimouttonoticetheshinyweddingbandonhisfinger.”
“Shit.You’reright.”Hischeeksflush.“Butifyouaren’twithWyatt…”Hisvoicetrailsoff.
“IfI’mnotwithWyattwhat?”
Heclearshisthroat.“Nothing.”
“Yousureaboutthat?”
Hetipshischinupatme.“I’msure.Night.”
“Goodnight.”
Hestompsofftheporchstepsanddisappearsdownthepathtowardtheguesthouse.
Whatthehellwasallthatabout?
Ishutthedoorbehindmeandleanagainstit.Mylegstremblebeneathme,theweightofourconversationmakingmeunsteadyonmyfeet.IfthisisdayoneofCallivinghere,Ican’timaginewhat’stocome.
I’mbusyfoldinglaundryupstairsinmybedroomwhensomethingheavythudsaboveme,rightwheretheatticislocated.Camiknowsbetterthantogoupthere,sothatonlyleavesonepersonwhocouldhavecausedsuchaloudnoise.Thesamepersonwhohasspentthelastthreehoursupstairsdoingwhoknowswhat.
Ihaven’tseenCalsincehewentuptherewithasinglecardboardbox.Heonlyspokefivewordstome,mostlikelybecausehewasstillupsetaftereverythingthathappenedwithWyattyesterday.
Asecondcrash,thistimemuchlouder,hasmerunningforthestairsattheendofthehall.MylungsburnfromexertionasIboltupthestepstwoatatime.
Istormintotheattic.It’simpossibletoseemuchpastthestacksofboxesnearlyreachingthesupportbeams.
“Cal?”Icallout.
Agroanfromsomewheretomylefthasmeworkingmywayinthatdirection.Theatticisamazeofboxes,chests,andcontainers,soittakesmelongerthanI’dliketofindCallaidoutonthefloorlikeastarfish.
Hedoesn’tmoveatthesoundofmyfootsteps,althoughhisfingerstwitchathissides.HiseyesremainscrewedshutasIkneelbesidehimandscanhisbodyforanyinjuries.
“Whathappened?”Iask.
Hedoesn’tsitup.“Ifell.”
“Andyoudidn’tthinktogetup?”
“Theroomkeepsspinning,”heslurs.
Concernhasmejumpingintoaction.Ishehavingastroke?Ormaybesomethingwithhisbrain?“What—”Myquestioniscutoffatthesightofthehalf-filledbottleofpremiumvodkaspillingoutbesidehim.
Ofcourse.
Ishouldn’tbesurprised.I’veseenthisstoryplayouttimeandtimeagainwithCal,yetthesickfeelingweavingitswaythroughmystomachhasmecurlingmyhandsintotightfists.Years’worthofangerrisestothesurfaceatthesightofhimplasteredonthefloor,unabletositupfromhowmuchalcoholheconsumed.
Onceanaddict,alwaysanaddict.
Islidemymaskintoplace,keepingmyvoicedetachedasIask,“Areyouhurt?”
“Onlyhere.”Hetapshischest,rightoverhisheart.
God.It’ssosadtoseeagrownmanlikehimsufferthewayhedoes.Duringourchildhoodandearlyadulthood,hewasalwayssofulloflife.Toseehimreducedtothisbrokenversionofhimselfonlydrawsouttheprotectorinme.
Calhassomuchtooffertheworld,buthisself-loathinganddestructivepatternsgetinhiswayeverysingletime.Apartofmehopedthathefoundhappinessinthesixyearswespentapart.
Notwithsomeoneelse,butwithhimself
Heisnobetterthanthedayheleft.
Ipickupthevodkabottlesoitdoesn’tspillanymorebeforetakinginoursurroundings.AfewofCal’soldhockeytrophiesarescatteredaroundthefloor,alongwithanoldNHLjerseyofhisandafewopenedboxes.
Nowonderhewasdrinking.Goingthroughthosekindsofmemories—theonesthatrepresentthehighesthighsandthelowestlows—wouldupsetanyone.It’sjustthatCal’swayofcopingistheworst.
“Whathappened?”Myvoiceismuchsofterthistime.
Heblinksupattheceiling.“Ifell.”
“Soyousaid.Buthow?”
“Lostmybalancewhentryingtopickupthebottle.”Hestumblesoverthesentence.Despitethepuddleonthefloor,Calmusthavedrunkadecentamountifheisfallingoverhimselfandtrippingoverhiswords.
Ihelpprophimupagainstoneofthetraveltrunks,gruntingfromhowmuchheweighs.“Whathappenedbeforethat?”
Stopaskinghimquestionsandgo.
ExceptwhenIthinkaboutleaving,theimageofCaltappinghischestandsayingithurtsreplaysinmyhead.
Idon’tstickaroundforthedrunkmaninfrontofme.IstayforthemanIoncelovedmorethananything.
Hestealsthevodkabottlebackandtipsitoveranopenboxbesidehim.
“Stop!”Istealthebottlefromhishandsandputitoutofreachbeforeassessingthedamage.
“Oh,no.”Ipressmyhandagainstmymouth.“Whatdidyoudo?”
VodkasoaksthroughhundredsofphotosoftheKanefamily.TheoneontopfeaturesCal’smother,whobeamsatthecamera.HerblondhairlookslikespungoldandisslightlylighterthanCal’s.Hisfatherhasanarmwrappedaroundher.HelooksjustlikeIremember,sternwithahintofsomethinglurkingbehindhisdark,beadyeyes.ThethreeKane
“Whocares?It’sallruinedanyway.”
Itrytosalvagesomeofthephotos,wipingoffthevodkawiththebottomofmyshirt.“Thesearememories.”
“Memoriesofwhat?Afamilythatdoesn’texistanymore?”hesnaps.
IkeepatmytaskwitheveryintentiontosaveasmanyphotosasIcan.“Iunderstandyou’reupset.”
“Whatdoyouknow?”Hescowls.
“You’renottheonlyonewhosemotherdied.Oursituationsmightnothavebeenthesame,butIunderstandwhatitfeelsliketolosesomeoneyoulovetosomethingyoucan’tcontrol.”
Hisglassyeyestrackmymovements.“Shewouldbeashamedofme.”
Irearback.“What?Whydoyousaythat?”
“Becauselookatme.”Hegrabsatrophyandlaunchesitintheoppositedirection.Itslamsintoatowerofboxesbeforeclatteringagainstthefloor.
“Stopit!”
“Why?It’snotlikeanyofthemmeananything.”Herepeatsthesamethingwithanothertrophy,butthistime,itsmashesintoawallbeforesnappinginhalf.
“Enough!”Ishovetheothertwotrophiesawaybeforehedestroysthosetoo.“Getangry.Getloud,butdon’tgetviolent.You’rebetterthanthat.”
Hethrowshishandsintheair.“AmI?OramIjustbidingmytimeuntilIturnintohim?”
Hedoesn’tneedtoclarifywhichhimheisspeakingaboutbecauseIalreadyknow.It’swrittenalloverhisface.
Mychestpinches,thetightsensationmakingeachbreathIdrawpainful.“Theonlythingyoutwohaveincommonisanaddictionissue.”
“You’reright.Becauseunlikeme,myfatherissuccessful.Hehasalegacy.WhatdoIhave?”
“Forstarters,aheart.”
Hefrowns.“Whocares?Whathasthatgottenmeinthelongrun?Pain?Misery?Disappointment?”Helooksupattheceilingwithasigh.“Ican’tgetasinglethingright.Mywholeentirelifehasbeenonefailureafteranother,andI’msofuckingtiredofpretendingitdoesn’tbotherme.”
Calstealsafragmentedpieceofmyheartinthatmomentasasingletearslidesdownhischeek.AtearthatwreckswhateverlastbitofangerIhavetowardhimtoday.
Tomorrow,I’llbeangryabouthimbeingdrunkinthehouse.
Buttoday…
Todayheneedsafriend.
Ipullhimintomyarmsandwipeawaythetear,banishingitfromexistencelikeitneverhappened.“Youhaven’tfailedateverything.”
“Nameonething.”
Idon’tmissabeat.“YoumadeitintotheNHL.”
Hescoffs.“Onlytolosemyspotafewyearslater.”
“Sowhat?Notmanypeoplecansaytheyevengotthatfarinthefirstplace.”
“Ididn’tevenwinachampionship.”Hisvoicesoundssosmall.Sounsure.Sobroken.
Ittearsmeupinside,knowingsomeoneasvibrantandlivelyashimcanberiddledwiththismanyinsecurities.
Sometimesitisthosewiththeloudestvoiceswhostrugglethehardest.
“Lifeisaboutperspective.Untilyouchangeyours,you’llalwaysbetiedtothis.”Ihandhimthevodkabottle.
Heclutchesthebottlewithadeathgrip.
Ilocktheimageawayinmyhead,remindingmyselfthatnogoodcancomeofCalandmebeingaroundeachother.Evenafteralltheseyearsapart,hestillhasn’tputintheworktochangehimself.
NomatterhowmuchIlovehim,itwasandneverwillbeenoughsolongashedoesn’tlovehimself.
ThatmuchIknowtobetrue.
Calmusthavegoneonadrunkenshoppingspreeyesterdaybecausethereisnoexplanationforthetenpackagesthatshowuponmydoorstepthenextafternoon.ThelabelsontheboxesrangefromthemostexpensiveluxurydepartmentstoreinAmericatosomeFrenchnamesIcan’tpronounce,letalonerecognize.
“Pleasesignhere.”Thedeliverymanhandsmeaclipboard.
ItextCalonceheleaves.
Youhaveadelivery.
Hisreplyisinstantaneous.
Berightthere.
Perfect.Atleastthisway,wecantalkaboutwhathappenedyesterdayandgetsomethingstraight.
IhadplannedonspeakingtoCaloncehecameoverthisafternoontoworkontheattic,buthenevershowedafterIcamehomefromwork.
Itdoesn’ttakehimlongtopullintothedrivewaywithhisfancycar.Notsurehowheplansonfittingallthoseboxesinsidehistrunk,butIwishhimthebestofluckregardless.
“Hey.”Hedoesn’tremovehissunglasses.
Icrossmyarms.“Hi.”
Herubsthebackofhisneck.“Aboutyesterday…Thanksforcheckingonme.”
Mylipstugdownintoafrown.“Idon’twantyougettingdrunkinsideofmyhouseagain.”
“Okay.”
“Imeanit.IfIfindyoulikethatagain,thenI’mcallingamovingcompanytobagyourstuffforyou.”
Hisheadhangsandhissunglassesslidedownthebridgeofhisnose,revealinghisbloodshoteyes.“I’msorry.”
“Apologizingdoesn’tmeananythingwhenyouhavenointentionoffixingtheprobleminthefirstplace.”
Hishandsclenchbyhissides.“You’reright.”
“Iam?”
Helooksup,andthetickinhisjawhasmyheartsinkinginmychest.
Idon’twanttohurthim,butIhaveakidtothinkabout.ThereisnowayIwantCamitofindCalstumblingaboutthehouse,drunkandincapableofcontrollinghisemotions.
Shedeservesbetterthanthat.
“Ihaveaproblem.Anaddiction.”
Mymouthopensonlytoshutasecondlater.
“IknowI’mpowerlessoveralcohol.TheytaughtmeasmuchinrehabandAA.ButIcan’tignorehowashamedIam,knowingI’monlyslightlybetteroffthanIwassixyearsago.”
Myeyesburn.
Hetakesadeepbreath.“Ican’tquitdrinkingcompletelyyet,butI’lllimitmyselfforyou.Idon’twanttohurtyouanymorethanIalreadyhave,andwhathappenedintheatticwasunacceptableandpathetic.”
Oh,God.Mywholechestaches.
“Okay?”heasks.
“Okay,”Irasp.
Hereleasesaheavyexhalebeforegrabbingthelargestboxfromthepileandturningtowardhiscar.Withthesizeofhistrunkandbackseat,heonlymanagesthreeboxesbeforeherunsoutofroom.
Ratherthanstickaround,Islipbackinside,leavinghimtosortouttherestofhispackages,alongwithhowthehellheplansontacklingtheatticwithoutdrinkingagain.ItonlytookCaltwodaysaftertheatticincidenttoscheduleameetingwiththeappraiser.Ididn’thaveanoptiontosayno,especiallywhenCalwentoutofhiswaytoplanitaroundmyschoolschedule.
Camipromisedtostayupstairsinherroomandplaywithhertoys,solongasIorderpizzafordinnertonight.It’safairpricetopayforhercooperation.I’mnotreadyforhertoaskmequestionsaboutthehouse,especiallywhenthereisariskmyplanmightfail.
DoubtsaboutViolet’sideasinkin,eatingawayatmyconfidenceasInearthefrontdoor.
AllyouneedtodoismakeitimpossibleforCaltosellthehouse.
Easiersaidthandone,theantagonisticvoicethatalwaysspeaksupatthemostinconvenienttimesreplies.
Irollmyshouldersbackandopenthedoor.“Hello.”
“Hithere.I’mMr.Thomas,”theoldermanintroduceshimself.Fromthehorn-rimmedglassestothesuspenders,I’mnotsurewhereCalfoundthisman.Basedonthepinstripesuitandhisblack-and-whitewingtipshoes,Isuspectthe1920s.
Mr.Thomasshoveshisglassesupthebridgeofhisnose.“AreyouMs.Castillo?”
“That’sme.”
Helooksdownathisclipboardwithanarchedbrow.“IsMr.Kanehere?”
Ihaven’tseenhimsincehedisappearedinsideoftheatticanhourago.
Anideadawnsonme.
Ipout.“ActuallyCalisn’tabletomakeittoday,soitmightbebestifwereschedule.”
“Oh.Okaythen.Whenareyouthinking?”
“DoesDecemberworkforyou?”
Helooksdownatthecalendaronhisphone.“Ofthisyear?”
Ishakemyhead.“Thenext.”
OneofMr.Thomas’sbrowsraisesinquestion.“I’mnotbookingthatfaroutyet.”
“Apitythen.I’llbesuretohaveCalgiveyouacallinayearthen.”
Speakingofthedevil,hisstepsechooffthevaultedceilingasherunsdownthestairstwoatatime.“Ignoreher.She’sjustjoking.”HestopsinfrontofMr.Thomasandoffershishand.“PleasecallmeCal.”
“Nicetofinallymeetyou.”Mr.ThomasgivesCal’shandagoodshake.“Nowifyoudon’tmind,I’dliketogetstarted.Giventhesizeofthepropertyandmytightschedule,I’dliketonotrushbeforemynextappointment.”
“Noproblem.”Calshutsthedoorbehindhimandgesturestowardthedoublestaircase.“Wouldyouliketostartupstairsordown?”
“Downstairsworksforme.”Mr.Thomasgrabsapenfromtheinsidepocketofhissuit.
Whilehescribblessomethingonhisclipboard,Calmakesitapointtoleaninandwhisperinmyear,“Behaveorelse.”Hissultryvoicemakesmyheartjolt.
Iturntoglareathim.“Orelsewhat?”
“Don’ttauntme.”Hetrieshisdamnedesttolookintimidatingandfails.OnewouldthinkaftergrowingupwithabrotherlikeDeclan,Calwouldhavemasteredtheartoflookingunapproachablebynow.
Ichuckletomyself,whichearnsanotherglarefromCal.
“Ifyoudon’tmind,I’mgoingtohaveaquicklookaroundbymyself.”Mr.Thomaslooksoveratuswithaquirkedbrow.
“Byallmeans.”Ishoothimatightsmile.
Mr.Thomasdisappearsdownahallway,leavingCalandmetoourstaredown.
Hecrosseshisarms,drawingmyeyestohisrolled-upsleeves.Hisgoldenforearmshavealwaysbeenaweaknessofmine.“What’syourissue?”
“Isn’titobvious?ItoldyouIdon’twanttosellthehouse.”
“AndItoldyouit’shappeningwhetheryouwantitornot.”
“We’llseeaboutthat.”Ismirk.
Hiseyesdroptomylips,makingthemtinglewithasingleglance.“Whatareyouplanning?”
“Whyruinallthefunbyspoilingthesurprise?”
“YouknowhowIfeelaboutthose.”
“Aboutthesameasyoudoclowns.Thrilled.”
IhaveneverbeenabletothrowoutthephotoIhaveofCalcryingatthecircus.It’soneofthefewthingsthatbringsmejoyonashittyday,rightafterCami’shugsandfreshbakedgoods.
“Youknowmesowell,”herepliesdryly.
“Nowifyou’llexcuseme,IbettergocheckondearMr.Thomas.I’dhateforhimtogetlostsomewherebetweentheconservatoryandtheparlor.”
Iswivelonmyheels,onlytobestoppedbyCalgrabbingontomyelbow.Hisholdissoft,althoughhiswordscomeoutsharp.“Whateveryou’redoingneedstostopnow.It’sonlygoingtoprolongtheprocess.”
Nowthat’sanidea…
Hisheadtiltsashiseyesscanmyface.“Don’teventryit.”
Irockbackonmyheels.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
Hestepscloser.Thesmellofhimwrapsaroundmelikeanaromatichug,makingmyheadswimfromthepheromones.“You’rescheming.Icantellbythelittlesparkleinyoureye.It’sthesameoneyoualwaysgotrightbeforeyougoadedmeintodoingsomethingIknewI’dregret.”
“It’snotmyfaultthatyoucouldn’tturndownadare.”
“That’swhatImadeyouthink.Iwasjustmiserablytryingtoimpressyou,evenifitmeantriskingafewbrokenbonesandacriminalrecordtodoso.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“You…”AnyreplygetslostinthemessofmymindasItrytoprocessCal’sadmission.
Calcursesunderhisbreath.“ForgetIsaidanything.”
Right.LikeIstandachanceoferasingtheimprinthiswordsleavebehindonmyscarredheart.
Thisisexactlyhowyougotintotroublethefirsttime.
HedisappearsdownthehallwayMr.Thomaswentwithoutsparingmeanotherglance.
ItakeamomenttorecoverbeforejoiningCalandMr.Thomasonthepropertywalkthrough.RatherthanfocusonmyconversationwithCal,Ispendtheentiremeetingaskingtheappraiserquestionsaboutthehouseandsurroundingland.Itrytokeepmyfaceneutralandavoidanyshadyeyesorsneakysmirks.Calthrowsstrangeglancesmywaythroughthewholeexchange,mostlikelybecausehesuspectssomethingisamisswithmyinterest.
Youshouldhavekeptyourmouthshut.
Nogoingbacknow.
Basedontheappraiser’snotes,thehousehasmanyissues.Fromtheleakingrooftosometermitedamageinthebasement,thepropertyneedsaseriousoverhaul.Theonlyplacethatseemssomewhatdecentistheguesthouse,butmainlybecauseitwasbuiltonlytenyearsago.
Ialwaysknewthehouseneededwork,butIdidn’trealizejusthowmuchuntilnow.Itmighttakemywholelifetogettoalltheproblems.
Theappraiserscribblesafewmorenotesonhisclipboardbeforelookingupatus.“BottomlineisIdoubtyou’dgetmorethanamillionforthehouse.”
Calshrugs.“That’smorethanmygrandfatherpaidfortheplacebackwhenheboughtit.”
Iglareathim.“There’snowayweareonlygettingamillionforit.”
“Youhavesomeserioustermitedamage,aroofthatneedstobecompletelyredone,windowsthatarefiftyyearsoldanddesperatelyinneedofbeingreplaced,andenoughsmallrenovationjobstokeepageneralcontractorbusyforawholeyear.”
“Howmuchwouldthatallcosttofix?”Iask.
“I’mguessingtwohundredthousanddollars,giveortakeonthefinishes.Pricescanvaryifyouknowsomepeopleincontractingthatcangiveyouagooddeal.”
“Thatshouldn’tbeaproblem.IknowsomepeoplewhowoulddothejobforthecostofsuppliesifIaskedthem.”AndtheywouldbewillingtodrawouttheentireprocessforaslongasIwanted,whichisawininmyplaybook.
Cal’sgazeburnsintothesideofmyface.“We’renotgoingtoremodelthehouse.”
Iturntofacehim.“Well,we’renotgoingtoputitonthemarketforamillionwhenmosthousesaroundthelakearesellingfortriplethat.”
“ThoselookliketheRitzcomparedtothis.”
“Thenwegivethisonealittlebitofafacelift.”
“Withwhatmoney?”
Ishoothimalook.“Areyoupressedforcashallofasudden?”
Hebarksoutalaugh.“Soyouexpectmetofrontthemoney?Ofcourse.”
Theappraiser’seyesbouncebetweenthetwoofuslikeheisfollowingatennismatch.
“Wecansplitthecosts,”Ioffer.
“Wherewillyougetthosekindsoffunds?”
“Youcandeductitfrommyearningsonceweselltheplace.”Whichisnever.
Ifitwereanyoneelse,I’dfeelguiltyfortalkingthemintothiscrazyplan,butthisisCallahanKane.Histrustfundispaddedwithenoughmoneytomakehisgreat-great-grandkidslittlebabybillionairesoneday.Twohundredthousanddollarsisnothingforhim.
Theappraisershiftshisweightfromfoottofoot.“Intheory,she’sright.”Don’twelovetohearit.“Themoreyouinvestintoaproperty,themorejustifiedahigherlistingpriceis.Remodelingauniquehouselikethiswouldincreasetheprofitmarginsignificantly.Especiallysincetherearelotsofpeoplesearchingforturn-keyvacationhomesinthesurroundingtowns.”
Igesturetowardtheappraiser.“See?”
Calrubshisstubbledjaw.“Sincewhendoyoucareaboutprofits?Ithoughtyoudidn’twanttoevenselltheplace.”
“I’mthinkingaboutthefuture,Callahan.Iknowit’shardbuttrytokeepupwithme.”
Hisnostrilsflare.“Iamthinkingaboutthefuture.It’sjustthatmyversionhappenstobearealisticone.”
“Canwesellthehouseformorethansuggested?”Iask.
Mr.Thomas’sgazeswingsbetweenthetwoofus.“Technicallyspeaking,yes.Sincethehouseispaidoffanddoesn’tcarryamortgage,youcansellitforanyprice.”
“That’snotarealanswer,”Calgrumbles.
“Justbecauseitisn’ttheansweryouwanttoheardoesn’tmakeitanylessreal.”Iplacemyhandsonmyhipsandstarehimdown.
Calignoresmeasheturnsbacktowardtheappraiser.“Howmuchincreasearewetalking?”
Themanflipsthroughthepagesattachedtohisclipboard.“IfyoufixtheglaringlyobviousissuesIfoundwiththeplace,thenyoucanpossiblygetanextramillionoutofit.”
Ishakemyhead.“Iwanttosellforthree.”
Theappraiser’sfacepales.“Million?”
“Sure.Iftheneighbordowntheroadwhohadlesslandcouldselltheirpropertyforthatprice,whycouldn’twe?”
“Becausetheirhousewasbrandnewandhadstate-of-the-arteverything,”Calanswersforthemanstandingacrossfromme,staringatmelikeI’velostit
MaybeIhave.
Ilookoutthewindowthatfacestheserenelake.“Wehavemorelandandabetterviewofthelake.I’msuresomeonewillbewillingtopaythreemillionforit.”
Theappraisertugsathistie,looseningtheknotasifitwaschokinghim.“Well…it’syourchoicetoselltheplaceforwhateverpriceyouthinkisbest.”
Iraisemychin.“Perfect.”
Cal’seyesnarrow.“Youcan’tseriouslythinkwewillfindsomeonewhowillbuythisplaceforthatmuchmoney.”
“Ofcoursewecan.Allittakesisfindingtherightbuyer.Isn’tthatright?”Ifacetheappraiseragain.
“Technicallyyes.Althoughsettingthepricetoohighmightturnsomebuyers—”
Icuthimoff.“Great.That’sallIneededtohear.”
Hereadjustshisglasseswithahuff.Inanyotherscenario,Iwouldn’tbesoforwardandrude,butlettinghimspeakoutofturnmightbackfireonme.
Calrubshischin.“Nowitallmakessense.”
Ipeekoverathim.“What?”
“Allyourquestionstotheappraiser,yourinsistenceongivingtheplaceafacelift,andthereasonwhyyouwanttosetsuchahighprice.”
Well,damn.HefiguredmeoutsoonerthanIanticipated.IleaveLanainthekitchenwhileIwalktheappraiserout.WhenIcomeback,Ifindshehasn’tmovedfromherspotbythewindowthatoverlooksthelake.Herfingerstapagainstthecountertothebeatofherhum.
Iseizetheopportunitytotakeherinwithoutbeingjudgedforit.Shelooksheaven-sent,withthegoldenglowofthesunsurroundingherlikeahalo,highlightingthewarmtonesofherhairandtheedgesofhercurves.
Thosefuckingcurves.
Lanaissoftinalltherightplaces.Herloveofbakingandallthingsculinaryhasturnedherbodyintoaworkofart,withhipsmeantforgrippingandanassmeantforworshipping.
Don’tthinkaboutherass.
Toolate.Myeyesdrop,burningaholeintoherleggings.
“Asmuchasmyassappreciatestheattention,I’dliketogetalongwithmyday.Ihaveatonofworktogradebeforetomorrow.”
MymouthdriesupalongwithanytypeofrebuttalasmygazeswingsfromLana’slegstoherface.Herbrowlifts.Shewasalwaysastraightshooter—afactIappreciateduntilnow.
Howlonghasshebeenwatchingmestareather?
Givenyourlucklately,maybeawholeminute.There’sareasonmybrothersusedtoteasemeforbeingSpaceCadetCal.IhaveapropensitytodriftoffandforgetwhereIamuntilsomeonetugsmebacktoreality,usuallybycallingmeout.
Iclearmythroat,forcingsomeoxygenintomyairway.“We’resellingthishouseinthreemonthsforamilliondollarswhetheryoulikeitornot.”
Shestepscloser,encroachingonmyspace.“Oh,why?Becauseyousaidso?”
“Becausethat’stheonlyoption.Thesooneryouacceptit,theeasierthisprocesswillbe.”
“OrIcouldhirealawyer.”Shebatsherlashes.
Thehairsonthebackofmyneckrise.Fuck.“Exceptyou’renotgoingtodothat.”
Herscoffcomesoffascondescendingastheriseofherchin.“Idon’ttakeordersfromyou.”
“Pity.Iremembertherewasonceatimeyouwouldbegforthem.”Mythumbtracesthebottomofherlip,earningasweetinhalefromher.
Sheleansintomytouchbeforeshakingherheadandgivingmychestashove.“You’rejusttryingtodistractme.”
“Fromwhat?Stabbingmeintheback?”
Hereyessparkle.“Onlycowardsgofortheback.”
IfIdidn’talreadyknowIwasabitunhinged,mydickgettinghardatthewayshethreatensmewithavicioussmirkwouldmotivatemetogetmyheadchecked.
Ipinherinplacewithmystare.“Youwanttolistthehouseformoremoneythanit’sworthsonoonebuysit,don’tyou?”
“What?WhywouldIwanttodothat?”Theglintinhereyesandthesmallhitchofherlipskillherattemptatfeigninginnocence.
“Beatsme.I’mnotsurewhyyou’retryingsodamnhardtosavethisplace.It’sacompletedump.”
Sherearsback.Whateverplayfulnesswasinhereyesdies,replacedbyaburninggazeandoneendgoal.
Shit.
Hernostrilsflare.“Youmightseethisplaceasadump,butIseeitasahome—myhome—andthereisnowayI’mgivingitupwithoutafight.So,youbetterlawyerupandtakemetocourt,asshole.”Shestormsoutofthekitchen,leavingmetostewinhowourconversationwentwrong.
Fuck.
Iplaceoneofmygrandfather’sVictorianerarevolversinaboxmarkedfortheSmithsonian.It’sthethirdweaponI’vefoundinthegodforsakenattic.ThelongerIspendinhere,themoreIquestionwhomygrandfatherreallywas.
MaybeLanawasrightwhenshesaidIdidn’tknowmygrandfatheraswellasIthoughtIdid.
IkeeptohissideoftheatticandavoidthecornerthathousesallmyoldbelongingsandhockeymemorabiliasinceItoldLanaIwouldn’tgetdrunkuphereagain.BesidestakingafewbreaksattheguesthousesoIcanhaveafewsipsofvodkawithoutbreakingmyword,Ikeeptruetomypromiseaboutnotdrinkinginthehouse.
Myphonevibratesinmybackpocket,soIpullitoutandtakeaseatononeofmygrandfather’strunks.ItextedIrisanhourago,onlyforhernottoansweruntilnow.Sheisslowlygettingbusier,whichonlymakesitharderforustotalkasoftenasweusedtobeforeshegotmarried.
Iris
Hey.How’sitgoing?
Ihitaminorsnag.
Irissurpassestextingandcallsmeinstead.
“What’sgoingon?”sheasks.Acarhornhonksinthebackground,makingherdog,Ollie,bark.
“Lanathreatenedtolawyerup,soeitherIagreetosellthehouseforthreemillionorI’mscrewed.”
Silence.
“Areyouthere?”Icheckmyphoneforadroppedcall.
Shecoughs.“Yeah,justtryingtowrapmyheadaroundthatonebasedonthephotosyousentmeoftheplace.Theviewmightbenice,butit’snotthatnice.”
“Thebonesaredecent.”
“That’sexactlywhatDeclansaidaboutournewhouserightbeforehetookawreckingballtotheplace.”
“Onlybecausehewasimpatientanddidn’tfeellikedealingwitholdconstructionissues.”
IrisshoutsatOllietostopchasingsquirrelsbeforerememberingI’montheline.“WhydoesAlanawanttosellitforthatprice?”
Asmallsmilebreaksthroughmyannoyance.“Becauseshethinksifshesetsthepriceunreasonablyhigh,thennoonewillbuyit.”IexplaintherestofLana’splan,includinghowshewantstoremodelthepropertytojustifyahighlistprice.
Iriswhistles.“Damn.Irespectherefforts.”
“Whosesideareyouon?”
Shechucklesunderherbreath.“Yoursalways,althoughIgottagiveittoher.Shemustreallywantthathouseifsheiswillingtofightyouthishardonit.”
“IwishIcouldjusttellheraboutthestupidwill.”Irubmytemple.
“Exceptyoucan’t,soweneedabetterplan.”
“Likewhat?”
Sheclearsherthroat.“Ifshewantstosellitforahigherprice,thendoit.”
“Areyouforreal?”
Iriscackles.“Justthinkaboutit.What’stheworstthatcanhappenifyouremodelthehouse?”
“BasedonwatchingyouandDeclanargueforhoursoverpaintswatchesandtilesamples,alot.”Thetwoofthemhavemulledovereverysingledetail,downtowhatcolorthegroutshouldbe.
“It’sactuallykindoffun,althoughifhehadthingshisway,theentirehousewouldbeblack.”
I’mnotlookingforfun.Iwanteasy.Simple.Safe.BecausethelongerIstickaroundLakeWisteria,themoreIputmyselfatriskforrememberingallthatIleftbehind.
ThelifeIcouldhavehad.
TheonlywomanIeverloved.
ThefutureIthrewawaybecauseofanaddiction.
IfIwanttogetoutofthistownunscathed,thenIneedtosellthehousesoonerratherthanlater.
BeforeImakeadecisionaboutthehouseprice,Iwanttobewell-informedabouttheotherhousesinthearea.Ispendthenexttwodaysresearchingeverysinglesurroundinglakefrontpropertythathassoldinthelastfiveyears.Outofthoseseventyhomesputonthemarket,tenwerepurchasedforoverthreemilliondollars.Theothersixtypropertieswereboughtforhalftheprice,whichwasstillmorethanthequotewereceivedfromtheappraiser.
Basically,myshotathittinggoldwithLana’slistpricewillcomedowntotwothings:akick-assrenovationjobandenoughmoneytomakeithappenwithinthreemonths.
IcalltheoneconstructioncompanyinallofLakeWisteria,onlytobegiventhebrush-offonceIgivethemmyfullname.Theyweren’tevenwillingtoaddmetotheirwaitlist,whichapparentlyisfiveyearslong.
Didyouexpectanythinglessfromatownfullofpeoplewhohateyou?
Thenexttownisn’tmuchbetter.Althoughtheyhaveashorterwaitlist,thesix-monthwaittimecan’tbechangedregardlessofhowmuchmoneyIamwillingtopay.
Frustratedandaboutreadytopullmyhairout,Idecidetotakeawalktoclearmyhead.Ipassthemainhouseonmywaytotheroad.Thedrivewayisempty,soLanamuststillbeatwork.
Ikeeptothesidewalkduringmywalk.Eachhouseisacresapart,withtheirownprivatedrivewaysleadinguptotheirhouses.ThehousesIusedtorecognizeasakidareallgone,replacedbymegamodernmansionsonmassiveplotsoflandoverlookingtheglitteringlake.
WitheachstepItake,thetruthbecomesmoreobvious.Whilemygrandfather’sestatehasstayedthesame,amajorityofthehouseshavebeenboughtoutandcompletelyrebuilt.
Lanamighthavebeenontosomethingwhenshementionedremodeling.
Fifteenminutesintomywalk,Icomeacrossaconstructionsitethatiscompletelyblockedofffromthepublicbyaperimeterfence.PinnedtothefenceisalargesignpromotingLopezLuxury.
AquicksearchonGoogletellsmethey’rearathernewcompany—lessthantenyearsold—andbasedoutofMichigan.
JustwhatIneed.
Idialthenumberandasktospeakwithsomeonewhocanhelpmegetarenovationdoneinthreemonths.Thistime,whenIgivemyfullname,I’mtransferreddirectlytoJulianLopez,theheadofthecompany,noquestionsasked.
“Mr.Kane.”ThelowrumbleofMr.Lopez’svoicefillsmyear.
“Mr.Lopez.”
“PleasecallmeJulian.So,Ihearyouneedarenovationjobdoneinthreemonths.”
“Canyouhelpme?”
Hedoesn’tmissabeat.“Dependsonifyou’rewillingtodothesame.”
Ofcourse,thereisacatch.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“TohavemycompanychosenforoneKaneCompanyproject.”
“Areyoulookingtoexpandyourservicestothehospitalityindustry?”
“Somethinglikethat.”Hisdeepchucklelacksanykindofwarmth—justlikehispersonality.
Brady’slawyersaidmybrotherscouldn’tgetinvolvedwiththehousesale,buthenevermentionedanythingaboutofferingsomeoneajobinthecompanyinexchangeforservices.
Lookatyoufindinglegalloopholes.
IknowmybrotherswillfindMr.Lopezsomethingtodo,howeversmall.“Ifyourteamcanremodelmyhouseinthreemonths,then—”
“Done.Myassistantwillbeincontactwithyoutoscheduleameetingwithoneofmybestcontractors.”
Thelinegoesdeadwithouthimbotheringtosaygoodbye.Mr.LopezremindsmeofDeclan,withhissharptoneandno-bullshitattitude.
Anotherpieceofmyplanslidesintoplace,slowlybuildingmyconfidence.DeclanmightthinkI’mgoodatfailing,butIplanonprovinghimandeveryoneelsewhodoubtedmewrong.“Mommy!Look!”Camirunsintothekitchen,droppingenvelopesofmailbehindherlikeabreadcrumbtrail.
“?Cuidado!”Igrabherbeforesherunsstraightintoanopencabinet.
Sheholdsherenvelopehighintheair.“Igotmail!”
Irecognizethelogoinstantly.It’sbeenafewmonthssinceCamitooktheentranceexamforWisteriaPrep,anexclusiveprivateschoolthatonlyopenedafewyearsagotocatertothefamiliesmovingherefromChicago.Camibeggedmetoapplysinceafewofherfriendsweretransferringthere,soIlethereventhoughtheprincipalwarnedmetheyonlyhadtwoseatsavailablefortheincomingfirst-gradeclass.
MygirlisthesmartestkidIknow,butthosekindsofplacesareallaboutpoliticsandwhoyouknow.Herchancesofgettinginwerealwaysslim.
Whichiswhyyouhavetofacetheconsequencesofyouractions.
Shebouncesupanddown,wavingtheenvelopeintheair.“Canweopenitnow?Please?”
“Letmedoit.”AtleastthatwayIcanhaveasecondtomentallyprepareforhowI’llbreakthenewstoher.
MyhandsshakeasIwipethemacrossmyapron,prolongingtheinevitablebycleaningtheflouroffmyfingers.
“Mommy!Hurryup!”Shewavestheenvelopeinfrontofmyface.
“Allright.Letmehaveit.”
Camislapsitintomywaitinghand.Iopentheenvelopewithabutterknifebeforepullingoutthethickpieceofpaper.
“Whatdoesitsay?”Sheshiftsherweightfromfoottofoot,makinghersneakerslightup.
“I’mgoing.”Iunfoldthepaperandreadthefirstline.
Congratulations,CamilaTheresaCastillo…
“Yougotin.”Thewordscomeoutinahoarsewhisper.
“What?!Ah!”Shetakesoffrunningandscreamingatthetopofherlungs.“Igettogotoschoolwithallmyfriends!”Shedisappearsintothehallway,hervoiceechoingoffthetwelve-footceilings.
Icontinuereadingtheletter,myhearttrippingoverthetuitionpriceatthebottom.
“Thirty-fivethousanddollars?Forfirstgrade?”
Somehowitcontinuestogetworse.Pricesonlygoupfromthere,withtwelfthgradecostingalmostfiftygrand.TheletteralsoemphasizeshowWisteriaPrepencouragestheartsandrequiresstudentstoparticipateinatleastoneafterschoolactivity.Theycanrangefromathousanddollarsamonthtofive,dependingonwhatactivitythechildchooses.
Theroomspinsaroundme.WhenCamiapplied,itwasonlyapipedreammeanttomakeherhappytemporarily,butnowthatitisareality,Ifeelsicktomystomach.EvenafteraccountingforthefinancialaidCamiwasoffered,thereisstillnowayIcouldaffordtheschoolonmykindofsalary.
Ireachoutforthecountertop,afraidmykneesmightbuckle.
“Hey,what’salltheyelling—Whoa.Areyouokay?”
Ofallthepeopletobepresentduringmylittlebreakdown…
I’vebeenluckyenoughtoavoidhimsinceourfightaboutthehouse,butIknewitwouldonlylastsolong.
Justkeepitshortandsweet.
ItakeadeepbreathandlookupatCal.Hisusualcasualoutfitofabutton-downandpantsisreplacedbyathleticpantsandaworkoutT-shirtthatisdrenchedaroundthecollarwithsweat.
“Whatareyouwearing?”Itrymyhardesttokeepmyeyesfocusedonhisface,buttheydrifttowardtheabspressingagainstthetightfabricofhisT-shirt.
“IwasworkingintheatticwhenIheardscreaming.”
“Oh.”Ispeaktohisstomachmuscles.
Hislowchucklesnapsmeoutofmyembarrassingdisplayofdesperation.
Hereachesforaglassinthecabinetandfillsitupwithwater.Myskinwarms,myheartbeatingharderatthewayhistonguedartsouttolickastraydropletfromhislips.
WhatIwouldoffertodothesame…
“What’sgoingon?”HisAdam’sapplebobswitheachswallowofwater.
Fuck.
IsithotinhereoramIjusthavingameltdown?IfanmyfacewithCami’sletter,tryingtocoolmyhotcheeks.
Calcatchesmestaringandwinks.
Ugh.Evenasimplewinkhasmybodyvibratingwithexcitement.
“What’sthat?”Hepointsatthepaperinmyhand.
“Cami’sacceptanceletter.”
“Forwhat?”
“AprivateschoolthatjustopenedrecentlyoffMain.It’sprettytoughtogetinto,soshe’sabitexcitedaboutgettingtostaywithherbestfriends.Ispenthalftheyearpreparingherforarejectionletter,butnowthatshegotin…”
“You’reworried,”hesaysinamatter-of-facttone.Forsomeonewhohasspentthelastsixyearsaway,hesurehasn’tlosttheabilitytoreadmewell.
Myheaddrops.“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Becausenotallofusarebillionaires.”IdomybesttosupportCami.Whatevermygirlwants,mygirlgets.Dancelessons,gymnasticsclasses,afterschoolartprograms.Keepingherhappyandbusycomeswithpersonalsacrifices,butI’mhappytoprovideforherinawaymysisternevercould.Yet,IstillfeellikeIcoulddomore.ThatIcouldworkharder.Pickupasidehustle.Findawaytomakemoremoney.
Thereisoneoption.
Apiercinghotsensationshootsthroughmychest.
Cal’sforeheadcreaseswithconfusion.“Didn’tmygrandfatherleaveyousomemoneyafterhepassed?”
Mybodytemperaturespikes,andItrytotakeadeepbreathtoregulatemyself.I’mnotevensurewhoI’mmostangryat—Calforbringuptheinheritanceormysisterforwastingamajorityofit.
Cal’sgazehardens.“Hedidleaveyousomemoney,right?”
MyjawhurtsfromhowhardIclampdownonmymolars.
“Whathappened—”
Ispeakupbeforehecanfinishhissentence.“It’sgone.”
“Howmuchdidhegiveyou?”
Mynailsbiteintothefleshofmypalms.“Whydoesitmatter?”
Hisfacesoftens.“Becauseyou’renotthekindofpersontoblowthroughmoneylikethatunlesssomethinghappened.”
“Youknowwhat?ForgetIsaidanything.”Iswipetherestofmymailoffthecounterandleavethekitchenbeforehehasachancetoaskmewherethemoneywent.
Calwarnedmeyearsagoaboutmysister,butIdidn’tlisten.IfhefoundoutaboutallthemistakesImade,hewouldbefurious.
Notatme.
Butforme.
AndIknowwithallmyheartthatIcan’triskwhatareactionlikethatmightdotome,soIdowhatCalhasalwaysdonebest.
Irun.
“What’supwithyoutonight?”Violetnudgesmeintheshoulder.“Youdidn’tevencommentonMr.JeffrieshittingonMs.Reyesatthebar.”
“Mr.JeffrieslikesMs.Reyes?Sincewhen?”IhaveworkedwithbothofthemattheschoolforyearsandneverwouldhaveguessedeitheronelikedtheotherbasedontheirSTEMrivalry.
“Apparently!Althoughthefeelingisnotmutualbasedonhowquicklysheshuthimdown.”
“Itwasprettysadtowatch.”Delilahclaspsherhandsoverherheart.“Butalsoweirdlyentertaining.KindoflikeoneofthoserealityTVdatingshows.”
“It’samysteryhowsomepeoplefindtheirfuturespouseshere.”IlookaroundLastCall.Thebarisoldandrun-down,butallthelocalsloveitsincethetouristsdon’tknowaboutit.Thereisevenajukeboxthatstillworksifhitintherightspot.
“There’salwaysthattouristtrapbaroffDaleMayberryRoadifyou’reinthemoodforegotistical,stockmarketassholeswhoareobsessedwithanalbecauseregularsexis‘toointimate.’”Violetthrowsupapairofairquotes.
Delilahchokesonherseltzer.“I’msogladI’mtaken.”
“Notallofuswereluckyenoughtofindtheloveofourlifeinhighschool.”Violetsticksouthertongue.
Delilahlooksdownatherringwithasmile.Mychesttightens,thesensationscrewingwithmyhead.I’mnotjealousofDelilah.Ifeelnothingbuthappinessforherandherhusband,yetsomethinginmefeelsoff-kilter
Maybeyouarejealous.
Thethoughtmakestheacidinmystomachroll.
“I’mgoingtousetherestroom.”Islideoutoftheboothandbolttowardthebathrooms.
Afewpeoplestopmealongthewaytosayhello,butIkeepthesmalltalktoaminimumasItraveltothebackofthebar.
ThenoisearoundmedisappearsasIshutthedoorandflipthelock.Thesickchurningsensationinmystomachremains,andItakeafewdeepbreathstogroundmyself.
Guiltalwayshitsmefirst.Ittramplesallsensiblethoughts,makingmefeellikeashittypersonforbeingjealousofDelilahandWyatt.Ofwantingwhattheyhaveandwishingitweremewhowasabletofindsomeonespecial.
Asquicklyastheguiltarose,itfadesaway,leavingmewithahollowfeelinginmychest—thesamefeelingIalwaysgetwhenIthinkaboutgoinghometonightandcrawlingintobedalone.
Bettertobealoneyetsecurethaninarelationshipandworried.
Ittakesmeafewminutestogathermyselfandlettheoverwhelmingnauseapass.BythetimeIreturn,DelilahandViolethavemovedontosaferconversationsandtheemptyfeelinginmychestisnolongerpresent.
Itonlytookfiveminutesofdeepbreathinginapublicbathroomtogetthere.
Myminddriftsthroughoutthenexthour.Atonepoint,Igobacktodrawingmindlesspatternsthroughthecondensationbuildingonmyglassofwater.
“Whatdoyouthink,Alana?”Delilahasks.
“What?”Iblink.
“DidyouhearawordofwhatIjustsaid?”
Iwince.“Sorry.”
“Seriously,what’sgottenintoyou?”Violetturnstolookatme.
“IthinkI’mgoingtohavetosellthehouse.”EventhoughIspentthelasttwodaysprocessingthenews,itstilldoesn’tfeelreal.
“What?Why?”Delilahgasps.
“CamigotintoWisteriaPrep.”
“Iknewshewould!They’dbestupidnottopickher.”Delilahclapsherhandstogether.Herenthusiasmquicklydiesasshechecksoutthelookonmyface.“Wait.Areyougoingtosellthehousetohelppayfortheschool?”
Iswallowpastthethicklumpinmythroat.“Idon’thaveanyotherchoice.”
“Whataboutfinancialaid?”Violetfrowns.
“Theyofferedmeagoodamount,butevenwiththescholarship,it’snotenoughtocovereverything.”
“Butyoulovethehouse.”Herscowldeepens.
“AndIloveCamimore.”Myvoicecracks.“Youshouldhaveseenthelookonherfacewhenshegotin.”Mysmilewobbles.“Shespentthewholemorningworkingonherdancemovesbecauseshewantstobereadyforballetwiththebiggirls.ThereisnowayIcansayno.”
Delilahclaspsontomyhandandgivesitasqueeze.“Areyousureaboutthis?”
No,I’mnot,buthopefullybythetimewearepreppedtosellthehouse,Iwillbereadytocometotermswithleavingit,evenifitmeansbreakingapieceofmyheartintheprocess.
Istopinfrontoftheemptystorewindowandstareatmyreflectionintheglass.
Mytwobestfriendskeepwalkingdownthesidewalk,unawareofmyabsenceasVioletcontinuestalkingtoDelilahaboutherneighborfromhell.“Canyoubelieveheactuallytoldmetogobuyearplugs?LikeI’mtheabnormalonebecauseIdon’twanttohearhimfuckinglikeapornstaratthreea.m.Iswear,oneofthesedaysI’mgoingtobringsomeonehomejustsohecanseehowitfeels…Whatdoyouthink—hey!”Violetbacktracks.
Delilahfollowsbehind,usinghercanetopropherselfup.Todayisasuckyarthritisdayforher,butshedoesn’tletthatstopherfromchasingafterViolet.
“Sorry.”Ilookoveratthemwithawobblysmile.“Igotdistracted.”
Delilahgivesmyshoulderanudge.“Whatareyoudreamingaboutthistime?”
Ishutmyeyesandimaginethewindowfrontfullofdecorandglasspastrystands.“Summer-themeddisplay.Brightcolorsthatpopandtreatsfeaturingthefruitsoftheseason.”
Violetsighs.“Soundslikeadream.”
That’sbecauseitis.
“Whatdoyouthinkwouldbeyourbestseller?”Delilahpointshercaneatthewindow.
Ilookawayfromourreflectionsinthewindow.“Dee—”
Shewagsherfingerinfrontofme.“Uh-uh-uh.Youknowhowweplaythegame.”
ThethreeofushavebeendoingthedreamgameeversinceVioletlearnedaboutmanifestation.Ithasn’tworkedoutforusyet,butthatdoesn’tstopmyfriendsfromtrying.
Shepokesmeintheside.“Stopthinkingsomuchandjusttellmethefirstthingthatcomestomind.”
Ibitedownonmylipandconsidermyanswer.“Well…youknowhowcrazyeveryonegetsformyblueberrycrumbcake.”
Violetgrins.“I’veneverseensomanypeoplefightoverabunchofleftovercrumbs.EvenSheriffHankwasreadytothrowhandsduringlastyear’sFourthofJulybarbeque,andheispracticallymedicallysedatednowadays.”
MylungsburnfromhowhardIlaugh.
Delilah,thesofteroneofmytwobestfriends,shiftshercanetoherlefthandsoshecanwrapherotherarmaroundmyshoulder.“Youknow,ifyousoldthehouse,youwouldhavethemoneytobuythisplaceandturnitintothebestbakeryinMichigan.”
Ishakemyheadsohard,myvisionblurs.“Nothappening.”
Violetpipesup.“Justthinkaboutit.You’retheonewhosaidyouwouldn’triskgivingupasteadypayingjobandhealthinsuranceforadream.Butonceyousellthelakehouse,you’llhavethemoneytocoverallthestartupcostsofopeninganewbusiness.”
Ishakemyhead.“Noway.Thatmoneyisn’tforme.”
Violettiltsherhead.“EvenwithWisteriaPrep’stuition,youwouldn’tspendmorethanaquarterofit.”
“Ishouldbesaving,notspending.”
Delilah’sholdaroundmyshoulderstightens.“It’sokaytobealittleselfishandthinkaboutyourselfeverynowandthen.Camiwouldwantyoutobehappy.”
“WhatifI’mnotgoodenough?”Ivoicemyfearaloud.It’sthesameonethathaskeptmeupmanynights,rooteddeepinyearsofquestioningmyself-worth.I’vespentmostofmyliferunningfromthatworryeversincemyfatherpackedhisbagsandsaidhewasn’tcomingback.
“Whatifyouendupspendingtherestofyourliferegrettingnottakingachancewhenyouhadit?”Violetwrapsherarmaroundme,rightaboveDelilah’s.
“OrwhatifMissyopensashophereinsteadandendsupbecomingthetown’sfavoritebaker?”Delilahteases.
Igasp.“Takethatback.”
“Idon’tknow.Itcouldbepossiblethatsomeonecomesforyourcrown.IheardMissywastryingtomasteratreslechesrecipebeforetheFourthofJulybake-off.”
Ifoldmyarmsacrossmychest.“Ishouldhavesuspectedsomethingwhenshewasfollowingmearoundthegrocerystorelastmonth,askingmeallkindsofquestionsaboutwhatbrandofcondensedmilkIlikemost.”
Violetpinchesmeintheside,makingmelaugh.“Thepointis,you’llmissoutonallthethingsyoucouldhavedoneifyoujustaskedyourselfwhynotinsteadofwhatif.”
“Whoknewyoucouldbesodeep?”
Shetapshertemple.“Tequilamakesmethoughtful.”
“Andhorny,”Delilahfinishesforher,earningajabtotheribs.
Iwrapmyarmsaroundbothofmyfriendsandpulltheminforabighug.“You’llbemyfirsttwocustomers?”
Delilahsmiles.“Likeweeverhadachoice.”Lanaplucksapagefromthetallstackofpapersonthekitchentableandreadstoherselfwhileusingherredpentomarkthepage.Withoutanyalcoholtoartificiallyinflatemyself-esteem,I’mleftwitharacingheartandanurgetoescapebeforeLananoticesme.
Notrelyingonvodkatonumbyourproblemsisapositivething.
Yeah,exceptreducingmyconsumptionalwaysseemslikeagoodideauntilI’mfacedwithanykindofadversity.
Justgoonandgetthisoverwith.
Ituckmythumbsintomyfrontpockets.“Doyouhaveasecond?”
Shelooksupatme.“I’mabitbusyheregradingpapers.”
“OnaFridaynight?Rivetingstuff.”
Sheshootsmealook.“Unlessyou’reheretoadmitdefeataboutthehouse,don’tbother.”
“Ipreferthetermcompromise.”
“I’msurethat’swhatalltheloserssaytomakethemselvesfeelbetter.”Theshimmerinhereyesfuckswithme.Ortobemorespecific,mydick.
You’refuckedinthehead.
OfcourseIam.Atthispointinmylife,I’vehadmoretherapiststhanfriends,andneitherstickaroundforlonggivenmyissues.
Ipulloutachairacrossfromherandtakeaseat.“I’mgoingtomakeyouanoffer.”
“Oh,thisoughttobegood.”Sheplacesherpentothesidebeforegivingmeherfullattention.
“Iwantyoutolistentomecompletelybeforeyousaynoorthreatenmewithtakinglegalaction.”
Shemotionsformetocontinue.
Timetobringoutthebigguns.“Letmesellthehousefortwoandahalfmilliondollarsandyoucankeepalltheprofits.”
Herfacepales.“Alltheprofits?”
“Downtotheverylastpenny.I’llevencoveralltheremodelingcostsmyself,whichmeansyouwillwalkawaywitheverythingattheendofclosingdayregardlessofhowmuchmoneywepumpintothisplace.”
Sheblinkstwice.“Butwhywouldyoudothat?”
“Sellingthehousehasneverbeenaboutmakingmoneyforme.Iwanttobedonewiththisplaceasquicklyaspossible,soifitmeanslosingafewmillionalongtheway,thensobeit.”
Herwitheringglaredoesn’tbodewellforme.“Oh,yes.I’msurethat’ssuchasacrificeforabillionairelikeyourself.”
Myclenchedfistspressintomythighs.“I’mtryingtohelpbothofusoutwhilegivingyouanicedeal.”
“Idon’tneedyourhelp,”shesnaps.
“No,butitwouldbenicetosendCamitothatfancyschoolshegotintowiththefunds.”
Hereyesnarrow.“Nowyou’rejustplayingdirty.”
Iwink.“Myfavoritekindofstrategy.Isitworking?”
“Marginally,althoughyourcockygrinisn’tdoingitformeatthemoment.”
Iwipethesmileoffmyface.“Workwithme.”I’mnotabovebeggingonmykneestogethertoseereason.“Thiskindofmoneycanchangeanyone’slife.”
“Howwouldyouknow?Youmadeyourfirstbillionthemomentyoutookyourfirstbreath.”
“I’mnotcompletelydetachedfromreality.Iunderstandthevalueofmoney.”
“Knowinghowtospenditisn’tthesamethingasvaluingit.”
Myteethgrindtogether.“Valuingyourmoneymeansknowingwheretospendit,nothow.”
“Lookatyoubeingallwise.”
“I’mmorethanjustaprettyface,Lana.Ihaveabraintoo.”
“Wholiedtoyouandcalledyoupretty?”Shebatsherlashes.
“Youdid…whileIwasbetweenyourlegswithmytonguedeepinsideyourneedycunt.”
Takethat,youlittlewitch.
Shechokesonherbreath.“God.”
“Please,noneedtocallmeGodoutsideofthebedroom.Itgivesmeacomplex.”
Sheswipestheswearjaroffthetopofthefridgeandslamsitonthetableinfrontofme.“Payup.”
Igrabahundreddollarsanddropitinthejar.“Wortheverypenny.”
“Cami’scollegefundappreciatesthedonation.”
Iclaspontoherwrist,andthewarmthofherskinbleedsintomine.“Youwouldn’tneedaswearjaranymoreifyouagreetosellthehouse.”
Shestaresoffintothedistance.
Icanpracticallytastevictory,soIpulloutmywildcard.“Youcouldopenthatbakeryyou’vealwaysdreamedabout.”
Shereleasesashudderybreathasshelooksaway,andIthinkforthefirsttimesinceIcametoLakeWisteria,I’mfinallywinning.
Onlybecauseyou’reusingherdreamsagainsther.
IsthatwhatI’mdoing?OramIsimplyremindingherwhatshemusthaveforgottenovertheyears?
Sheshakesherhead,hervisionturningclearerasshecomesbacktoreality.“No.I’dratherplayitsafeandsavethemoneyforahouseandwhateverCamimightneedovertheyears.”
“Playitsafe?Whathappenedtothegirlwhowouldactfirstandthinklater?”
“Igrewup,Cal.”Shegrabstheswearjarandplacesitbackontopofthefridge.
“Sowhat?Growingupdoesn’tmeangivinguponallyourdreams.”
“Ididn’tgiveup.IjustrealizedI’drathermakesomeoneelse’sdreamscometruealotmorethanmyown.”
“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”
Shepullsherstackofpapersintoherarmsandretrievesherredpen.“Idon’texpectsomeonelikeyoutounderstand.”
Myheartthreatenstoshrivelup.“Someonelikeme?”
“Someonewhoalwayschooseshimself.”
Asifherwordsdidn’tdoenoughdamage,thelookonherfacelandsakillerblow.
Shetakesadeepbreath.“Iacceptyourofferononecondition.”
“Nameit.”
“Iwanttohavethefinalsayinwhoeverbuysthehouse.”
Iscoff.“Why?Soyoucanmakeitimpossibleforanyonetobuyit?”
Shecan’tevenlookmeintheeyes,whichonlyaddstothehollownessinmychest.
“BecauseIwanttomakesurewhoeverownsitnextlovesmyhomeasmuchasIdo.”
Iinstantlyfeellikeadickforthinkingtheworstabouther.“Lana—”
Hernostrilsflare.“Yesorno,Callahan?”
Andnowwe’rebacktoCallahan.
Lovely.
Inod.“Yougetthefinalsay,solongasyou’renotvetoingpotentialbuyersfornogoodreason.”
HopefullyIdon’tendupregrettingmychoice.
***
Lana
I’mstartingtowonderifyouhaveashoppingaddiction.
Shesendsmeaphotoofaboxwaitingontheporch.Iboltoffthecouch,scaringMerlin,whowiggleshiswayunderneaththeTVstand.
Bethereinafew.
MyexcitementgrowswitheachstepItakeacrossthepropertytowardthemainhouse.
Lanastandsontheporch,wavingatthered-headedmailmanashedrivesoff.
Iwalkupthesteps.“Doyouknowhim?”
“Ernie?Yeah.He’sIsabelle’sson.”
Mybrowsrise.“I’msurprisedmypackageshavearriveundamagedthen.”
“Metoo.He’snottoohappywithyougiventhethirtypackagesdeliveredhereinthelastfewdaysalone.”
“Thisisthebestoneyet.”Ilifttheheavyboxintomyarms.
Shepeeksatthecardboardbox.“Whatisit?”
“AKeesvanderWestenSpeedster.”
Herbrowspulltogether.
“It’sanespressomachine,”Iclarify.Caffeine,Adderall,andIdon’tusuallymixwell.ButnowthatI’mworkinguntillate,longaftermymedicinewearsoff,Ineedalittlepick-me-upintheafternoons.
Shesnorts.“Soundslikethenameofacar.”
“Andcostsaboutthesameasacheaponetoo.”Igivetheboxalovingpat.
Hereyeswiden.“Howmuchdidyoupayforit?”
“Idon’tremember.Twentythousand,giveortakewithtax?Why?Doyouwantone?”
Thecolordrainsfromherface.“Youspenttwentythousandbucksonanespressomachine?”
“Ihaveneeds,Lana.”
“SodoI,butthat’sworthmorethanhalfofmyyearlysalary!”
Irockbackonmysneakers.“Iknowitsoundsexcessive…”
“That’sbecauseitis.”
“Forgivemeforenjoyingthefinerthingsinlife.”
“It’syourmoney,sodowhatyouwantwithit.I’mjustsurprisedanyonewouldspendthatkindofcashoncoffee.”ThenletushopesheneverfindsouthowmuchIspentonthenewmattress,bedlinens,andcouchintheguesthouse
“Please.Thisisnothing.Waituntilyouseethestate-of-the-artgrillIbought.”
Sheblinks.“Youboughtagrillknowingyou’reonlygoingtobeheretemporarily?”
“Ofcourse.IthoughtmaybeIcouldtemptyouintomakingsomeofyourmom’scarneasadaoneofthesedays.”
Hermouthdropsopen.
“It’sareallyfancygrillwithallthebellsandwhistlesandstuffmostchefsdroolover.Iswearyou’llloveit.”
Sheopenshermouth,onlyforittoslamshut.
Irubatthebackofmyneck.“Icancookforyoutoo,althoughIcan’tpromiseitwillbehalfasgood.”
“Youwouldcookforme?”
“YouandCami,”Icorrect.
Somethingflashesinhereyesbeforedisappearing.
“You—We…”Sherubshertempleinsmallcircles.“Youknowwhat?I’mgoingtowipethisentireconversationfrommybrain.”
“WhatdidIsay?”Ireachoutforherhand,onlytohaveherstepawaybeforeIhaveachance.
“Nothing.I’vegottogogetCamireadyforherdanceclass.”Lanadisappearsbackintothehouse,leavingmetowonderwhatIsaidwrongthistime.
Storyofyourlife.
***
I’mbored.
IbouncethetennisballagainsttheceilingwhileIwaitforIristoreplytomymessage.Withthecontractorandhisteamalreadyfixinguptheexteriorofthehouse,includingreplacingtheroof,vinylsiding,andoldwindows,Ihavenothingelsetooccupymytime.
LakeWisteriadoesn’thavemanyoptionsforentertainment.UnlessIwanttodrivethirtyminutesawaytogoseeamovie,Iamstuckwitheitherbowlingbymyself,hangingoutattheparkontheothersideofthelake,orspendingtherestofmydayonlineshopping.
Myphonevibratesagainstthecouch.
Iris
Haveyoutriedpickingupanewhobby?
Youmeanonebesidesstaringatmyselfinthemirror?
Iris
Ican’ttellifyou’rebeingseriousornot.
Let’skeepitamystery.
Iris
Whataboutknitting?
Hellno.
Iris
Crocheting?
…
Iris
Readingabook?
Hmm.Ihaven’treadmuchsinceIwasakid,butthatseemslikeabetteroptionthanattemptingtocreatesomethingwithaballofyarn.
Anyrecommendations?
Iris
Let’saskZahra.
IrisfollowsupwithamessageinthegroupchatIsharewiththetwoofthem.
Iris
DoyouhaveanybookrecommendationsforCal?
IthrowmyballagainsttheceilingasIwaitforZahratoanswer.
Zahra
Whatdoyoulike?
Theoppositeofwhateveryouread.
Zahra
Noromance.Gotit.
Myphonestartspingingfromhertextsofrecommendations.Ipullupmynotesappandtypeouthersuggestionsbeforeleavingtheguesthouse.
BythetimeIparkoutsideOneMoreChapterBookstore,Zahrasentanencouragingmessageabouthowhappysheisaboutmegettingintoreading.
Thetinystorehasn’tchangedonebitsinceLanaandIusedtovisit.Tallwoodenshelveslinethewalls,packedtotheverytopwithbookswaitingtobepurchased.
“Hi.HowcanIhelpyou?”Meg,theolderwomanwhohasownedtheshopsincemymomusedtotakemybrothersandIhere,popsupbehindme.
“I’mlookingforabook.”Iturntofaceher.
Thesmileonherfacedims.Typical.“Oh.Whichone?”
IpulloutmyphoneandrattleoffthethreeZahrarecommended.Megquicklyfindsthebooksformeandringsupmypurchase.
“Thereyougo.”Shehandsmethebagfullofbooks.
Thebellabovethedoorrings.IlookovermyshouldertofindVioletstrollinginsidewithDelilah.
Fuckingsmalltowns.
Ihaven’tseentheminsixyears.WhileViolet’shaircolorhaschangedbacktohernaturalblondcolor,Delilahstilllooksthesame,althoughtheringonherlefthandandthecanesheleansagainstarenewtome.
Violet’seyesconnectwithminefirst.“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”
“Isn’titobvious?”Iholdupmybag
Hernosewrinkles.“Sincewhendoyouread?”
“Ittookmeafewdecades,butIfinallygotthehangofit.”
“Youthinkthisisallsomekindofjoke?”Violetchargestowardme.
Megdisappearsbehindastackofbooks,leavingmetodealwiththered-facedwomanwhousedtobeoneofmyfriends.
“I’mnotheretocauseproblems.”Ikeepmyvoiceneutral,repeatingthemantrathatseemstofollowmeeverywhere
“SoAlanasays,butIhaveahardtimebelievingthat.”Violetstabsmeinthechestwithherfinger.
Delilahfrownsasshetugsonherfriend’sarm.“Comeon,Violet.Justleavehimalone.”
Sheglancesoveratherfriend.“Onesecond.”Herheadslowlyswivelsbacktowardmelikesomethingoutofahorrormovie.“Ifyou’reheretoscrewwithAlanaagain—”
Istopher.“I’mnot.”
“You’restilldrinking,”shestates.
“Isthatconsideredacrime?”
“It’spathetic,”shehisses.It’snothingIhaven’theardbefore,yethavingthewordsslungatmefromsomeonewhowasonceafriendcutsdeeperthanIcaretoadmit.
Youarepathetic.
Aheavyweightpressesagainstmychest,makingbreathinganimpossibletask.
Herupperlippeelsback.“You’renobetterthanhersister,makingallthesepromisesandneverfollowingthrough.”
Myhandholdingontothebagtightensuntilmynailsbiteintomyskin.“Iknow.WhydoyouthinkIleftinthefirstplace?”
Hereyesbulge.
“Ifyoudon’tmind,I’mgoingtogonow.”Myfeetfeellikesomeoneattachedtwoanvilstothem,makingeverystepexponentiallymoredifficultthanthelast.
IbypassmycarandheaddirectlytowardLastCallattheendofMainStreet.Itisalocals’spot,somyentrancestirsupwhispersandglaresfromeveryonegatheredaroundthebar.
Isticktotheunoccupiedstoolattheendofthecounter,rightacrossfromafewpeopleIrecognizefromaroundtown.
Thedark-hairedbartenderwalksovertomewithafrown.IrememberhimfromoneofLana’sbirthdayparties,althoughhisfacehasfilledoutandhismuscleshavemuscles.
Henryshakeshishead.“Youshouldn’tbehere.”
“Vodkatonic,please.”IignorehimasIsmackafifty-dollarbillagainstthecounter.
Hisscowlonlydeepens.“No.”
“Seriously?”
Hecrosseshisbulgingarmsagainsthischest.“Isabellewarnedusaboutyou.”
Forfuck’ssake.Didtheyhaveatownhallmeetingaboutme?
“Whatdidshesay?”
Theveinsinhisarmsjump.“We’renotallowedtoserveyou.”
“Ofcourseyou’renot.That’sfine.I’lljusttakemymoneyelsewhere.”Isnatchthebillandpocketit.I’msureanearbytownwillbemorethanhappytotakemymoneyandhelpmeavoidanexchangelikethisagain.
“Gotohell!”someoneshoutsfromacrossthebar.
Littledotheyknow,I’malreadythereThingsfinallyfeellikethey’refallingintoplaceforme.LanahaseventrustedmewithakeytothehouseagainafterIneededaccesstoitandshehadplansfortheweekend.
Evenpackinghasgonesmoothlyoverthelastweek.Mostofmygrandpa’sitemsareclearedoutoftheattic,andtheonlythingleftistopackupismyoldbedroom.It’slocatedatthefarthestcornerofthehouse,alongwayawayfromthechildishgigglinghappeningontheothersideofthesecondfloor.
WalkingintomychildhoodroomfeelslikeI’vebeenlauncheddirectlyintothepast.Besidesafewtapedboxesstackedinacorner,theplacelooksuntouched.Eventheglow-in-the-darkstarsLanaandIsupergluedtotheceilingovertwodecadesagoremain,althoughafewaremissingorhangingbyasinglepoint.ThewindowoverlookingthelakesnagsmyattentioninthesamewayitdidyearsagowhenIpickedthisroomasmine.
MybrothersneverunderstoodwhyIwantedthesmallestroomlocatedinacrampedcornerofthehouse,butIthoughttheanswerwouldbeobviousiftheytookamomenttolookoutthebaywindow.
Itfeelsstrangetoreturnhereaftersixyearsaway.I’mnotsurewhymygrandpaandSe?oraCastillokepttheroomthesame,butitfeelslikeit’sbeentrappedintime.
Thefloor-to-ceilingshelvescoveringeachofthethreeotherwallsfeaturethemodelboatsIbuiltduringmysummershere.FrommyfirstsailboattoaminiversionoftheTitanic,eachboatholdsafondmemoryofasummerspentatLakeWisteria.OfLanaandmestayingupfartoolateworkingontheminthestudy.
MythroattightensasIstareatthelastshipwestartedbuildingthesummerofmyaccident.TheUSSConstitutionLanaboughtmeformybirthdaysitsunfinishedonthelowestshelf,lookingabandonedwithitsincompletehullfacingtowardtheceiling.
Youneverhadachancetofinishittogether.
Mychestthrobs.
“Whoa.”
IturnonmyheelstofindCamistaringupattheshelveswithwideeyes.“Didyoumakethat?”ShepointsatareplicaofLaCandelariasittingonthehighestshelf,farawayfromanyonewhocouldaccidentallyknockitover.
Mythroattightens.“Yeah.”
“Really?”Shelooksoveratmewithastrangeexpression.
Inod.
“Whataboutthatone?”Shedirectsmyattentiontowardtheshelfabovethewindow,whereanElizabethanNavyRowanwarshipmodelsits,thewooddulledfromtheamountofdustandcobwebscoveringthehull.
“Yup.”
“Andthatonetoo?”ThereisaspecialsparkleinhereyesasshechecksouttheVikingship.
“Imadeallofthesewithyourmom.”Hopefullythatwillansweranylingeringquestionsshemighthave.
Shegasps.“Mymom?How?”Herforeheadwrinklesfromherpinchedexpression.
Youspoketoosoon.
Irunahandovermystubble,consideringthebestwaytoexplaintheprocess.“HaveyouplayedwithLegos?”
“Yes!”Shenodsherheadwithasmile
“It’slikethatbutharder.”
“Why?”
Insteadofexplainingtheprocess,Ipulloutmyphoneandshowheratime-lapsevideoofsomeonebuildingamodelsailboat.It’sthefirsttimeI’vebeenabletokeepherquietforasolidfiveminutes,soIcountmyideaasawin.EvenIfindmyselfgettingsweptupinthefamiliarityoftheprocessandthetherapeuticaspectofboatbuilding.
Andthatrightthereiswhyyourbrothersteasedyouendlesslyaboutbeinganerd.
Oncethevideoends,shelooksupatmewithabigsmile.“Cool!”
Irearback.“Really?”
Herheadbobsupanddown.“Iwanttotry.”
ShemightnotlooklikeLana,butsheis100percentherthroughandthrough.
“Youdo?”
“Yes!Canwemakeonetogether?”
Iblinktwice,focusingonhowshegroupedustogether.“What?”
“Pleasecanwedoone,Cow-l?Pretty,prettyplease.”Herbrighteyespiercethroughmyresolve,temptingmetosayyes.
“Ummm…”
Shebatsherlashes.“I’llbeyourbestestfriendever.”
Don’tyoudarefallforthat.
Exceptit’sprettyhardnottowiththewayshelooksupatmewithabeamingsmilefullofhope.Theideaofkillingherbuddinginterestmakestheacidinmystomachbubble.
Staystrong.
“They’reprettyhard.”Myexcusemightbeweak,butit’sanhonestone.Ididn’tstartmyfirstkituntilIwasdoubleherage,andeventhen,Istruggleduntilmygrandpasteppedintohelp
“I’mnoquitter.”Sheliftsherchin
Icantellbasedonthewayshepushesmetosayyes.I’mtemptedto,solelybecauseofhertenacity,butonethingholdsmeback.
“Youneedtoaskyourmomifit’sokay.”
“So,wecanbuildone?”Shebouncesontheballsofherfeet.
“Ifyourmomsaysyes—”Lanawillforsuresayno,andIwouldn’tblameheronebit.Itwaskindofourthingbeforeitwasn’tanymore.ThereisnochanceinhellIexpecthertowantCamiandmetobuildone.
Camicutsmeoffwithasquealbeforerunningoutofmyroom,leavingmetoquestionifImadetherightdecision.
Noturningbacknow.
Ispendtherestofmydaypackingawayeachofmymodelshipscarefullyintoindividualmovingboxes.ThelastoneIhavelefttopack,whichIdebatedbetweendumpingorsavingallafternoon,istheboatLanaandIneverfinished.
BeforeIreconsidermyanswer,Ipackitawaywiththeboxofunfinishedparts
Myphonegoesoffafewtimes,mostlyfrommyfamilygroupchatwhichI’veignoredeversincemyfightwithDeclan.IknowI’llhavetodealwithhimeventually,butIwouldratherfacehimonceI’mofficiallydonewithmytask.
Idon’tcheckmyphoneuntilItapeupthelastbox.
Lana
CaretoexplainwhyCamihasspentthelasttwohourswatchingboatbuildingvideosonYouTube?
Lana
Nevermind.Ifinallygottheansweroutofher.
Ittakesmeawholepatheticminutetocomeupwithareply.
And?
Herreplycomesthroughasecondlater.
Lana
Isittruethatyouofferedtobuildaboatwithher?
MyfingersflyacrossthescreenbeforeIhitsend.
MorelikeIwasbribed.
Lana
Thendon’tworryaboutit…
Shit.AsnervousasIgotfromCami’srequestearlier,I’dhatetodisappointherafterhowexcitedshelooked.
Inanactofdesperation,Isendarapid-firetextwithoutthinkingtwiceaboutit.
SheofferedtobemybestestfriendeverifIagreed.Iwouldbestupidtosayno,especiallywithhowmanyenemiesIhaveinthistown.
Thebubblespopupbeforedisappearing,onlytoappearagain.Ithappenstwicebeforeanewmessageappearsonmyphone.
Lana
Don’tmakemeregretthis.
What’stheworstthatcanhappen?
Lana
Theoptionsareendlesswheneveryou’reconcerned.
Icanalwayscountonyoutoknockmedown.
Lana
AtleastI’mconsistent.
Shealsosendsanupside-downsmileyfaceandashruggingwomanemoji.Withasmile,Ireplywithamiddlefingeremoji.
Ispendtherestofmyafternoonwithastupidsmileonmyface,longafterourconversationended.ThepressureinmychestisreplacedbyalightnessIhaven’tfeltinawhile,andmyusualurgetodrinkwhilesortingthroughmypersonalitemsisabsent.
It’sasmallwinforanaddictlikeme,butawinnonetheless,soI’lltakeit.
Onmywaytodropoffthefinalboxinthegarage,Ipassbythelivingroom.Camiissprawledoutonthecouch,fastasleepwhilewearingasailorcostume.Anadult-sizedcaptain’shatisthrownonthefloorbesideherrightnexttoanemptyjuicebox.
Thekidisstupidlycute.NowonderLananeverstoodachanceatsayingnotoheraboutbuildingaboatwithme.Whowould?
“Oh,no.Shefellasleepbeforedinner.”
IturntofindLanastandingbesideme.
“Areyougoingtowakeherup?”Iask
“Heckno.”
Ichucklelow.“Doyouplanonhavinghersleepdownhere?”
“Nope.”
“Whatareyouwaitingfor?”
Shepressesherpalmagainstthesmallofherback.“I’mmentallypreparingmybackforthepainI’mgoingtofeeltomorrowonceIcarryherupthestairs.”
“Icancarryher,”Iofferbeforethinking.
Surprise.Surprise.
Herbrowsshootup.“Youcan?”
Iplacetheboxonthefloor.“Sheprobablyweighswhat…forty-fivepoundssoakingwet?”
“Alittlelessbutyeah.”
“Noworries.Igother.”IwalkuptoCamiandtuckmyarmsbeneathherheadandlegs.Cami’sheadrolls,butLanaisquicktoreadjusthersohercheekispressedagainstmychest.Camigrumblessomethingunderherbreathbeforesnugglingdeeperintomyshirt.
AstrangetugginginmychesthasmelookingawayfromCami’sfaceanddirectlytowardLana’s.HergazetravelsfromCamitome,theskinaroundhereyessoftening.
Sheisquicktobreakeyecontactfirst.“I’llshowyoutoherroom.”
I’mmindfulnotwakingCamiasIfollowLanaupthestairsandtowardRowan’soldroom.Thedarkwoodfurnitureandnavybluepaintisgone,replacedbylavenderwallsandawhitecanopybedshapedlikeaprincesscarriage.
TheDreamland-themedcomfortermakesmesmile.“Cute—”
“Don’t.”Heredgytonematcheshereyeroll.Afewoftheprincessesfromourmostfamousmoviesareplasteredacrossthefabric,allgrinningupattheceiling.Lanathrowsitbackbeforegivingmeroom.
I’mcarefultonotwakeCamiasIplaceheronthebed.Shedoesn’tstir,soItakeastepbackandletLanadoherthing.MyfeetremaingluedtothefloorwhileLanatucksCamiinandwhisperssomethingagainstherforeheadbeforekissingit.
Thetuggingsensationcomesbackstrongerthistimeandwrapsaroundmyheartlikealasso,temptingmetoescape.
SoIdojustthat.
SinceI’minthemoodtorunaway,Ithrowonmyworkoutgearandtakeadvantageofthebreezyevening.Idon’tstoprunninguntilIendupheadingdownMainStreetinsearchoffoodandsomethingtooccupymymind.
WarmlightpouringoutofOneMoreChapter’swindowshasmetakingoffinthedirectionofthebookshop.
“Backsosoon?”Megshutsherbookwithasigh.
“Ineedanewbook.”Iwipemydampfacewiththebottomofmyshirt.
“Already?Youjustboughtthreeafewdaysago.”
Irunmyhandsthroughmyslickstrandsofhair.“NotlikeIhavemuchelsetodoaroundherebesidesread.”
“Whatareyoulookingforthistime?”
IpulloutmyphonetocheckZahra’slist,onlytorememberIalreadyboughtallthebookssherecommended.“Huh.”Mybrowspinchtogether.“Doyouhaveanyrecommendations?”
Herbrowsfurrow.“Foryou?”
Ilookaroundtheemptyshop.
“Areyoulookingforsomethingsimilartowhatyoureadlasttime?”sheasks
“Orwhateveryourecommend.”
Hereyesbrightenforthefirsttimeever.“Really?”
“Sure?Justdon’tsetmeupwithsomethingshittybecauseyoudon’tlikeme.”
Hercackledoesn’texactlymakemefeelwarmandfuzzy,butmyuneasinessfadesawayasshebouncesaroundthestorewithasmilewhilethrowingbooksatmeuntilthestacksurpassesthetopofmyhead.
Shemotionsmetowardthecounter.“Thatshouldkeepyoubusyforsometime.”
“Oraweek,”Imutterunderneathmybreath.
“Youknowifyouhavealotoftimeonyourhands,IheardtheteaminchargeoftheStrawberryFestivalisstillsearchingforvolunteers.”
“Todowhat?”
Sheshrugs.“Idon’tknow,butifyou’reinterested,youcanstopbyTownHallandsignup.”
“I’mnotsurethat’sagoodidea.”Ituckmyhandsintomypockets.
Sheraisesabrow.“What’stheworstthatcanhappen?Thetownactuallyhasareasontostartlikingyouagain?”
Well,whensheputsitthatway…
IwouldratherspendtherestofmyweeksatLakeWisteriawithoutthetowngoingoutoftheirwaytomakemystaymiserable,soifitmeansvolunteeringforaweekend,thensobeit.Whatcouldpossiblygowrong?Ishouldhaveknowntodaywasgoingtobeabaddaywhenoneofmykids’parentsnearlybroughtmetotearsafterrippingintomeduringameetingtodiscusstheirchildfailingmyclass.Thentwoofmystudentsgotcaughtskippingschoolduringmyperiod.
Allittakesisacertainnumbercallingmetopushmestraightovertheedgeanddirectlyintomeltdownterritory.Iconsiderignoringmysister’scall,butmyguiltyconsciencedoesn’tletme
I’mgreatatestablishingboundariesforeveryoneinmylifebutmysister.It’samassiveissuesheexploits,andthereasonIspentalargechunkoftheinheritanceBradyleftmetryingtosaveherfromself-destructing.
Thephonevibratesinmyhand.
Justgetitoverwith.
Ilockthedoortomyclassroombeforeansweringthephone.“Hello.”
“Alana!”Mysister’soverlyexcitedvoicemakesmyspeakercrackle.
“Antonella.”Ikeepmytoneflatdespitemyescalatingpulse.
“I’vemissedyou.Howareyou?”
“Working.”
Shelaughs.“Ofcourse.How’syourjobgoingattheschool?”
“Sameold,sameold.”
“AndCami?”
Myspinestraightens.Unlessmysisterneedssomethingfromme,shenevercarestoaskaboutCami.
“Whatdoyouwant?”
Shehuffs.“Domostpeopleneedareasontocalltheirbabysister?”
“People?No.You?Absolutely.”Antonellausuallycallsfortwothings:moneyorhousing—neitherofwhichIcanprovideherwithanymore.ImadethatmistakerightafterMomdied,andtheresultnearlybrokeCami’sheart.Althoughmylittlesuperstardidn’tknowAntowashermom,shegrewattachedtomysisterhangingaround,onlytobebroken-heartedwhenshedisappeared.
Itwasmyfaultforbeingstupidandhopeful.
Notanymorethough.
“Ididn’tlikehowweleftthingslasttime,”shesayslikeithasn’tbeenovertwoyearssincewehavetalked.
“It’sbeentwoyearsalreadyandyoudecidetocallnow?”Myhandclutchingontothephonetightens.
“I’minabitofapinchandIwashopingyoucouldhelpmeout.”
“No.”
“But—”
“I’mnothelpingyouanymore.”Pureintentionshaven’tworkedformeinthepast,somaybealittletoughlovewillworkbetter.AndevenifIwantedtohelpmysister,Ican’t.Betweenpayingoffmymom’smedicalbills,supportingCami,andthensavingAntonellafromherself,I’moutoffunds.
“ButI’msoberforrealthistime.Allthankstoyou.”
Morelikethankstothecashyoustolefrommysafe.
Ishutmyeyes.“That’sgood.”
Assumingsheiseventellingthetruth,theskepticalvoiceinmyheadsays.Ilearnedalongtimeagonottotrustmysister.Itonlytookahundreddifferentdisappointmentstogetthere.
“Doesthatmeanyou’llletmecrashatyourplace?”
“No,butI’mhappyforyou.”
Shemakesanindiscerniblenoise.“Comeon,Alana.Justgivemeacoupleofweekstogetthingssortedout.I’mstrugglingtopaymyrentandbillssinceTrentmovedout.HecoveredhishalfuntiltheendofJunetogivemesometime,butafterthat,I’mallonmyown.”
I’mnotsurewhoTrentisorwhathisconnectionistomysister,butatleasthepaidhispartoftherent.Ican’tsaythesameaboutmostofthemenmysisterhashungaroundwith.
Shekeepsgoing.“Ican’tstayherepastJune,andIdon’thaveanywhereelsetogo.It’snotlikeIwanttoheadbacktoLakeHysteria,butwhatotherchoicedoIhave?Iwon’tbethereforlong.Ipromise.”
Mychestpinches.
Don’tyoudarefallforherusualshit.ThinkaboutCami.
“I’msorry,Anto.That’sasuckysituationtobein—”
“Butyouwon’thelpme.”Hervoiceissharperthistime.Mysisterhasalwaysactedthesameway,beingsweetasflandecocountilshedoesn’tgetwhatshewants.
Ishakemyhead.“It’snotfairtoCami.”
“Really?Orisitnotfairtoyou?”
Isuckinabreath.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
“It’sobviousyou’reintimidatedthatCamimightnotwantyouanymoreifIcomebackaround.”
Ibitebackabitterlaugh.“I’mnotintimidatedbyyou.NothingyoucandoorsaywillchangethefactthatI’mhermother.”Antomadesureofthatthedayshesignedawayherparentalrightsandmademeamotherofaprematurebabywhowassavedfromneonatalabstinencesyndromeduetoherpretermbirth.
“Youwouldn’tevenbehermotherifitweren’tforme,sohowaboutyoushowalittlegratitude?”
Anto’sharshcommentshouldn’tcomeasashock,buttheheavydisappointmentthathitsmedoes.IthoughtIwasusedtothiskindoftreatment.YetdespiteallthepeptalksIhavegivenmyselfovertheyears,mysister’swordsstillhavetheabilitytocutthroughmequickerthananyblade.
It’sthepeoplewelovemostwhoalwayshurtusthehardest.
ItishardformetoacceptthatthisversionofAntoisthesamepersonwhowouldwipemytearswheneverIcried,andhugmethroughentirethunderstormsbecauseIwasafraidofthem.ThesisterIgrewupwithwouldneverspeaktomelikethis,whichcanonlymeanonething.
Sheisn’tsober.She’sstrungout.
Thepainbloomingovermyheartpushesmetoendthisconversationbeforeitgetsworse.“I’vegottogetbacktowork.I’msorryIcan’thelpyou.”
“God,Iforgotwhatacoldheartedbitchyoucanbe.Nowondermenarealwaysrunningfarawayfromyou.”Herwordspenetratewiththepowerofamissile,blowingthroughmylastbitofrestraint.
“Bye,Anto.”Iendthecallandtuckmyphoneintothebottomdrawerofmydesk.Myeyesprick,andIdoeverythinginmypowertoholdthetearsback.Rapidblinking.Notblinkingatall.Fanningmyeyeswithmyhandsandthenholdingmyheadbacktopreventthemfromfalling.
Despiteallmyattempts,asingletearescapesinanactofbetrayal.Iswipeitawaywithangryfingers.
Youwillnotshedanothertearforher.
Thechantseemstocenterme.Itakeafewdeepbreaths,lesseningsomeoftheweightpressingagainstmychest.
Youmadetherightchoice.
YetnomatterhowmanytimesItellmyself,itneverfeelslikeIdid.Andthat’swhathurtsmethemost.
Onsuckydaysliketoday,onceCamifallsasleep,Ihangoutonthedockbymyself.EversinceIwasakid,Ifoundsomethingcalmingaboutlyingoutontheplanksandlisteningtothewaterslappingagainstthewoodpoles.
Oneofthewoodplanksunderneathmysandalscreaks,andalargeshadowthesizeofablackbearmovesattheendofthedock,strikingthefearofGodintome.Istumble,andthetipofmyshoecatchesonahalf-exposednail.
Igodownhard.Thebabymonitorfliesoutofmyhandandlandswithaplopsomewhereinthewater.Mypalmsslamintothewood,savingmyfall,althoughthemomentumfrommylandingpushesthemforward.Apiercingsensationofsplintersbreakingthroughmyskinmakesmyeyeswater.
“Ow.”Justwhenyouthoughttodaycouldn’tgetanyworse.
“Shit!Areyouokay?”Calboltsfromhisspot,andIinternallygroan.
“Whatthehellareyoudoingouthere?”Iremaininthesameposition,tooafraidtocheckoutthedamageonmypalms.Thankfully,theleggingsIchosepreventmykneesfromsufferingasimilarfate,althoughtheyachefromtheblow
Theoldplankscreakunderhisheavyfootsteps.Hestopsinfrontofme,andIlookupathimfrommypositiononmyhandsandknees.
Well,ofallthepositionstobecaughtin,thismightbetheworst.
Theflushofmycheeksishiddenbythelimitedlighting.
“Doyouplanongettingupor…?”Humorseepsintohisvoice.Shadowsclingtothesharpedgesofhisjaw,drawingmyeyestowardthem.
“IthinkI’mgoodhere.Feelfreetoheadbacktotheguesthouseaftergivingmeaheartattack.”
Hisraspychucklemakesmystomachflutter.
You’rehopeless,Alana.Absolutelyhopeless.
“Sorryforscaringyou.”
“Ithoughtyouwereabear,”IhissthroughclenchedteethasIsitbackonmyheels.I’mnotsurehowmanysplintersIhavepressingintomypalms,butitfeelslikehundreds.
“What’swrongwithyourhands?”
DamnCalandhisabilitytonoticeeverythingaboutme.
“Nothing.Justacoupleofsplinters.”
“Acouple?”Hegrabsmyhandandflipsitpalmsideup.
Isnatchitback.“Stop!”
“I’mjusttryingtocheckoutthedamage.”
Icaneitherchoosetobedifficultorallowhimtohelpme,solelybecauseIhavenochanceofpullingthesplintersoutwithoutanyassistance.
“Fine.”Iholdoutmyhandforhimtoassessthesplinters.
Hepullsouthisphoneandturnsontheflashlight.“Hmm.”Hedelicatelytracesoverthesoftskinofmypalm,sendingawaveofgoosebumpsacrossmyarms.Atleasttensplintersarepokingthroughmyskinatdifferentangles.
Heaccidentallybrushesoverasplinter,andIsuckinabreath.
“Sorry.Whatdidyourmomusedtosay?Sana,sana,colitaderana?”
“Sinosanashoy,sanarásma?ana,”Ifinishforhimwithasmallsmile.
Mymomalwaysmadeanyinjuryfeeltentimesbetterwithasinglelittlesong.Calrememberingthat…
Itmakesmychestfeelallwarmandtingly.
Helooksupfrommyhand.“Doyouhavetweezersandaneedleinside?”
Idonotlikethesoundofthatwhatsoever.“Nope.”
Hegrinsashishandreachesouttotracetheslopeofmyscrunchednose,drawingasharpbreathfromme.“Liar,”hewhisperscloseenoughformetosmellhisaftershave.Hisproximitysendsmyeverycellintohyperdrive,makingmefeelasifmybodywaspluggedintoanelectricsocket.
Hegiveshisheadashakeandpullsaway.“Let’sgetthosesplintersoutbeforeyouchickenoutandendupwithaninfection.”
Icrossmyarmsandliftmychin.“I’mnotachicken.”
“Youcriedoncebecauseofapapercut.”
Thetipsofmyearsheat.“Tobefair,itwasareallydeepcut.”
“You’reright.Itwasnearlyfatal,ifmymemoryservesmeright.I’malmostpositiveifitweren’tforthatHelloKittyBand-Aid,youmighthavenotmadeit.”
Ifliphimoff,althoughmylowerbellywarmsathimrememberingthetiniestdetailslikewhatkindofBand-AidIhadon.
“Doesthatcountfortheswearjar?”Hiswidegrinmakesmyheartjoltinmychest.
“Jerk,”ImutterundermybreathasIwalkaroundCalandintothehouse.
“I’llbewaitinginthekitchen.”Hedisappearsaroundthecorner,leavingmetogatherthesupplies.IfindeverythingIneedinmybathroom.Mymomtookenoughsplintersoutofmyhandsformetoknowthedrill.
IreturntothekitchentofindCalsittingattheisland,completelyunawareofmypresenceashewatchesaYouTubevideodescribinghowtoremovesplintersaspainlesslyaspossible.Hepausesandreplaysaspecificparttwicebeforemovingonwithasatisfiednod.
Mychestclenchesattheintenselookofconcentrationonhisface.ThisisthereasonwhyIwanttocreatedistancebetweenus.Becauseit’sthelittlethingsCaldoes—thethingsthatmostpeoplemightnotevennoticeorcaremuchabout—thatgetmeeverysingletime.
SoberCalisadream.Heiswitty,charming,andnearlyimpossibletoresist.It’sthedrunkversionofhimselfthatIhaveahardtimeaccepting.Thatversionisdepressing,angry,andextremelydifficulttolove.
Andit’stheversionofhimthatIstillresentyearslater.
Idropallthesuppliesonthecounter.
“Ready?”Helooksupwithasmile.
Ifrown.“Pleasetrytolookalittlelessexcitedabouttorturingme.”
“ThereareplentyofwaysI’denjoytorturingyou—allofwhichyouwouldbeexcitedfor.”
Myheademptiesofanycoherentthoughts.
Areyousurprised?Youalwaysknewhewasaflirt.
Knowingandexperiencingaretwoverydifferentsituations.Myheartrateskyrocketsashetapsthebarstoolnexttohim,andIfallintoitwiththegraceofanewbornfoal.
Calgetsupandwasheshishandslikeadoctorpreppingforsurgerybeforereturningtocleanthetweezersandneedlewithrubbingalcohol.IshutmyeyesasIplacemyhandspalms-uponthecounter.
Thefirstprickofthetweezerspickingatmyskinmakesmewince.
“Youstilllikesittingoutonthedockatnight?”Calasks.
Iappreciatethedistraction.“Yeah.”
“WhataboutCami?”
“Ihave—had—ababymonitorbeforeItripped.”
Hislipsturndownintoafrown.“Thatthingisadeathtrap.”
Anotherpinchagainstmyskinhasmegrindingmyteethtogether.“Thenwhywereyououtthere?”
“Becauseoneofuswasblessedwithagiftcalledbalance.”
Ipoponeeyeopentogivehimthestink-eye.“Youscaredme,andIendeduptrippingoveranailthatwasstickingout.”
“Thisplaceisalawsuitwaitingtohappen.”Heshakeshisheadwithasighbeforereturningtoproddingandpokingatmyhands.
“It’snotthatbad.”
“Youhaveabouttwentysplintersembeddedinyourskinthatsaydifferently.”
Ican’ttellifhisannoyedtoneisduetothesplintersinmyhandorthefactthatheistheonlyoneavailabletotakethemallout.
“Onedown.Nineteenmoretogo.”
Motherfucker.
“There.Alldone.”Calsolidifieshisplaceinhellashewipesmyhandswithrubbingalcohol.
“Itfeelswrongsayingthankyouafteryoutorturedmeforanhour,butthankyou.”
“Itwastwentyminutestops,youbigbaby.”Hedoesn’tmakeanefforttoletgoofmyhandsyet.
“YousmiledwhenIscreamed,youpsychopath.”
“Itbroughtbackgoodmemories.”
Ismackhiminthechest,onlytowincewhenmysoreskinmakescontact.“Ouch.”
“Letthatbealessonthatphysicalviolenceisnevertheanswer.”Heflicksmynose.
“Saysthemanwhotriedtochokeapoliceofficer.”
Hisnostrilswiden.“We’rebacktothisagain?”
“I’mnotsureI’lleverletthatgosolongasIlive.”IpulloutmyphoneandshowhimthephotoIsabellesentme.
Hismouthdropsopen.“Shesentittoyou?”
“Yup.Rightbeforeshepromisedtodeleteitoffherphone.”
“So,you’retheonlyonewithacopy?”Hetakesastepforward.
“No.”I’mconcentratingsomuchonhimencroachinginmyspacethatIdon’tnoticemynosetwitchinguntilafterithappens.
Goddammit.
Heholdsouthishand.“Letmeseeyourphone.”
“Nothappening.”IpressthelockbuttononthesideasItakeanotherstepback.
“Alana.”
“Callahan.”
“Givemethephone.”
“No.”Myasshitsthecounter.
Cal’ssmilewidens.“Gotcha.”
Ifakeleft,butheanticipatesthemoveandeasilyswipesthephoneoutofmyhand.
“Cal!”Ijumpforthephone.
Heraisesithighabovemyhead.“Justonemoment.”
I’mnomatchforhisheight,soIpatheticallybounceupanddown.Hegetsdistractedbymyboobsatonepoint,staringatthemlikehehasn’tseenapairinforever.
“Seriously?”Icrossmyarms.
Hewinksbeforeunlockingmyphonewithinthreetries.
Mymouthfallsopen.“Areyoukiddingme?”
“It’scuteyourpasscodeismybirthday.”
“Ididn’t—”0720.
Oh,shit.Itotallydid.
“Ihaven’tchangeditsinceIwassixteen.”Iofferalogicalexplanation.
“Sure,youhaven’t.”
“It’seasytoremember.”Atthispoint,I’mgraspingforstraws.
Heopensthephotoanddeletesitbeforehandingmyphonebackwithasmile.“Hereyougo.”
“IknewIshouldhavesubmittedittoagossipmagazinelikeVioletsuggested,”Imutterundermybreath.
“Apityindeed.”Hewalksawaywiththebiggestsmileonhisface.Thenextmorning,IwakeuptoacrewofmenfromLopezLuxuryfixingtheolddock.Hammerspoundagainstthenewplanksofwood,theoldonesnowheretobeseen.
Howdidyousleepthroughallthatnoise?
Camicallsoutmyname,butI’mtoofocusedonmymissiontogiveheranythingmorethanaquickmorningkissbeforerunningoutthebackdoor.Irushacrossthegrassylaw,mylungsheavingwitheachraggedbreath.
“Wait!”Iwavemyhandsintheair.
Oneoftheworkerslooksupbeforesignalingtotheothers.Afewstoppoundingtheirhammerswhileothersstarttalkingamongstthemselves.
“Whereistheolddock?”IpressahandagainstmychestasItrytoregulatemybreathing.
“Weweretoldtogetridofit.”
Dammit,Cal.“Wherediditgo?”
“Ourguyjustdroveoffwiththedumptruckthirtyminutesago.”
Mystomachdips.“Heleft?”
Themannods.
Oh,no.
“Getinsidenow,”Calordersfrombehindme,sendingashiverupmyback.
Ispinaround.“Youdestroyedmydock.”
“I’mabouttodestroyalotmoreifyoudon’tgetyourassinthehouse.”HisvoiceisadeeprumbleIfeelinmygut.
GoosebumpsbreakoutacrossmyskinwhenIglancebackathim.“What’swrong?”
“Whatisn’t?”Hisgazeflickersovermybody,drivinghispointhome.
IlookdownandregistermyPJsforthefirsttimethismorning.
Nowondermychesthurtwhilerunning.It’snotlikeIbotheredtothrowonabrabeforesprintingacrossthelawnlikeacrazywoman.“Oh,shit.”
“Oh,shitisright.Let’sgo.”Hemotionsformetoleadtheway.
Weonlymakeitafewstepsbeforesomeonewhistlesbehindus.Ilookovermyshouldertoseewhoitis.Evenwithoutcontacts,IcanmakeoutErnieHenderson,thetown’sresidentredheadandnosymailman,walkingtowardmewithaboxinhishands.
Hestopstowaveatme.“Lookin’good,Castillo!Wannarunaroundalittlemoreforme?”
Thatlittle…
Ernieisn’teveninterestedinwomen,butifitmeansgettingariseoutofCal,hewillteasemeinaheartbeat.Heisjustlikehismother.
FreakingIsabelle.
Iliftmymiddlefingerintheair,whichmakesmyshirtriseup.Afreshbreezehitsmynow-exposedbutt.Calgruntsasheyankshishoodieoffbeforeshovingitovermybody,makingamessofmyhairintheprocess.
Thesmellofhimsurroundsmelikeacloak.Isneakinasecondsniff,onlytobemetwithCal’snarrowedeyes.
“What?”
“Getinside.Now.”
ImustnotmovefastenoughforCalbecausehesmacksmyass,makingtheskinstingwiththeimprintofhispalm.
Ipausemyascentupthesmallhill.“Whatthehellwasthatfor?”
“Ijustfeltlikeit.”
“Youjustfeltlikesmackingmyass?”IliftthehoodietoassessaredoutlineofCal’spalmonmyleftbuttcheek.
Hiseyesdarken.“Wantmetomatchtheotherone?”
“No!”Myheartcallsmeoutonthelie,thebeatsgrowingfastattheideaofCalfollowingthroughonhisoffer.Weneverexploredanythinglikethatinthepast,buttheideaexcitesme.
WouldhebethetypetosmackmyassuntilIcan’tsitrightforaweekorwouldhebethekindtotakehistime—
AlanaValentinaCastillo!
Thefantasyshimmersaway,althoughthelingeringeffectsofarousalremain.
Idon’tevennoticeCaldraggingmeinsideuntilI’mstandinginfrontofhim,withmybackpressedagainstthedoorandhisarmscagingme.Heleansincloser,makingmyheartgowildinmychest.
IfIstoodonthetipsofmytoes,ourlipswouldtouch.Theypartattheidea
Hisgazedropstomymouthbeforesnappingbacktomyeyes.“Whatwereyouthinkinggoingoutdressedlikethat?”
“Ineededtosavethedock.”
“Savethedock?Itwasfallingapart.”
“But…”Myshouldersslump.“Therewasaspecialplank.”
HiseyesturnbigandroundasheprocesseswhatIsaid.“Youwentoutforthat?”
So,hedoesremember.
Howcouldhenot?Itwasthestartofeverything.
CalandIwerehavingagooddayhangingoutbythelakeuntilIruineditbyopeningmybigmouthaboutthedateIhavetonightwithJohnnyWestbrook,WisteriaHigh’sstarrunningback.
Cal’ssharpjawtenses.Eversincehecamebacktothelakeforthesummerbeforehissophomoreyearofcollege,thingshavebeendifferent.Heisdifferent.I’mnotsurewhathappenedduringhisfreshmanyear,buthenolongerlookslikethekidIgrewupwith.Thebonesofhisfacearemoredefined,andhismusclesarelargerthanbefore,makinghisT-shirtlooktoosmall.
ThisisCal.Yourbestfriend.Irepeatthesamemantraasalways,yetitdoesn’thitthesametoday.MaybeithassomethingtodowiththewaythelakereflectsoffhiseyesorhowhesmileswheneverIlaughatsomethinghesays.
“You’rereallygoingtolethimkissyoutonight?”Hisquestioncomesoutaccusatory.
“SowhatifIam?I’malmostseventeenyearsold.”EveryoneelseinmygradehasbeenkissedwhileI’mjustbidingmytimeuntilIcollectaherdofcatsandcallitalife.
“Wasn’thethesamekidwhousedtoshovestrawsuphisnoseandpretendtobeawalrus?”
Iglareathim.“Hewassix.”Andnowthememorywillliveoninmybrainforever.
Dammit,Cal.Ibethedidthatonpurpose.
Hishandsclenchbyhissides.“Cancelyourplansandlet’shangoutinstead.”
“What?No!”
“Whynot?Wecanorderpizzatoo.I’mevenwillingtogetallthosegrosstoppingsyoulike.”
Iconsideritfortwosecondsbeforeshakingmyhead.“Temptingbutno.”
“You’rereallythatinterestedingoingonadatewithhim?”
“Iamnowthatyou’resoagainstit.”Icrossmyarmsagainstmychest,whichonlymakesmyboobspopoutevenmore.Hisgazeflicksquicklyovermybody.
Allittakesisonesingleglanceformystomachmusclestotighten.
Helooksawaywhenoureyesconnect.“Realmature.”
“Ifyouhavesomethingtosay,thenspititout.”
Hedoesn’tevenpausebeforesaying,“Idareyoutokissme.”
Iblinktwicebeforemylipsstartworking.“What?”
“Youheardme.Idareyoutokissme.”HepullsouthisSwissArmyknifefromhisbackpocketanddrawsasinglestrikediagonallyacrossthefourotherverticallinesbeneaththeletterLthathecarvedintotheplankyearsago.ComparedtothenowfivestrikesunderneaththeL,hissidehasatleasttenmore,eachcarryingafondmemoryofsomethingIdaredhimtodo.
Myhandstrembleagainstmylap.“Areyouserious?”
“Asseriousasyouareaboutgoingonthisdate.”
“But—”
“Don’ttellmeyou’rescared,”hetauntswithasmirk.
“I’mnotscared.”I’mjust…shocked.Calhasalwayskeptthingsplatonicbetweenus.
It’sakiss,notaproposal.Stopmakingsuchabigdealoutofit.
“Fine.”Iclosemyeyesandleanforward.MymouthsoftlybrushesagainsthisbeforeIpullaway.Thekissendedasquicklyasitstarted,butmylipsstilltinglefromthepressofhisagainstmine.
Hiseyesnarrow.“Isthathowyouplanonkissinghim?”
Mycheeksheat,embarrassmentquicklyburningintoanger.“What’swrongwithhow—”
I’mcutoffbyhislipsslammingagainstmine.Theairbetweenuscrackles,sparksflyingasourmouthsmoldtogether.
Everythingaboutmyfirstkissisamazing.Thebuzzbuildinginmylowerbelly.TheslightshiftinhisbreathingasmyarmswraparoundthebackofhisnecksoIcanpullhimincloser.Hisfingersdiggingintomyhair,trappingmeashekissesmelikehespenthiswholelifedreamingaboutit.
CalkisseslikeheisafraidthatImightdisappearatanysecond,sohewantstoprolongit.
Myfingersbrushagainstthepatchofskinbetweenhishairandhisshirt.Hesucksinabreath,pausingourkisstopresshisforeheadagainstmine.“Lana.”
“Lana.”Cal’svoicesoundscompletelydifferent.
Deeper.Rougher.Sexier.
“Hello,Lana,”hesays,sharper.
Shit
Thememorydisappearsinablinkofaneye.IpressahandagainstmylipsasIlookupatCal.
“Whydidyouwanttosavetheplank?”Hisquestioncomesoutsoft.
Mygazedropsalongwithmyself-esteem.“Itwasstupid.”
“Tellme,”hepushes.
Mymouthopens,thetruthlyingonthetipofmytongue.
Becausenomatterwhathaschangedbetweenus,thememoriestiedtothatpieceofwoodwillalwaysholdaspecialplaceinmyheart.
SharingwhattheplankmeanttomefeelslikebetrayingmyselfandtheangerI’vespentyearsholdingonto.
Itdoesn’tmatteranymore.It’sgonenow.
Iclearmythroat.“Whatever.It’snotlikeitmattersanyway.Itwasjustastupidpieceofwood.”
Hisfacecrumples.Islideoutfromunderneathhisarms,leavinghimstaringatthespaceIonceoccupied.
***
ItypeoutanewmessagetoCal,jabbingmyscreenlikeitpersonallyoffendedme.
Youhaveanotherpackage.
Cal’sreplyisinstant.
Thatone’sforyou.
Mymouthdropsopen.
Youorderedsomethingforme?
Iowedyouafterscaringyoulastnight
Ibattlebetweenopeningthepackageandleavingthecardboardboxtorotinthegarage.Curiositywinsovercommonsense,soIgrabapairofscissorsfromthekitchenandopenthebox.
MyhandstrembleasIpulloutanewbabymonitor.
OhmyGod.
Myheartbetraysmeinthatmoment,throbbingpainfullyinmychest.
It’sjustababymonitor,Itrytorationalizewithmyself.ExceptithasnothingtodowiththebabymonitorandeverythingtodowiththefactthatCalcaresenoughaboutmetoreplacetheonethatfellintothewater
Honestly,I’mnotsureheeverstoppedcaring.
HowamIsupposedtohatethemanwhenhedoesthoughtfulshitlikethis?
You’llneverbeabletohatehimandyouknowit.
No,butatleasttheideaofhatinghimmakesmefeelincontrol.
Thisfeelingthough?Theonethatmakesmyheartbeatwildlyinmychestandmyheadspinwithideasabouthim?
Ineedtoshutthatshitdownfast“PorDios,noempiecesconmigo.”Ismashthesideofmyhandmixerforthefifthtimetonight.Betweenitoverheatingfromtoomuchuseanditsoldage,I’mluckythemotorstillruns.
Ihaven’tbeenabletopartwiththebakingtool,especiallysincemymomgotitforme,butI’dkillforoneofthosefancymixersrightaboutnow.OnceuponatimeIhadone,butitbrokeandInevergotaroundtobuyinganewonebecauseamajorityofmymoneywentintomakingsureCamihadeverythingsheneeded.
Ifonlytheydidn’tcostmorethanhalfapaycheck.
“Estavaina.”Icontinuebangingthesideofthemixer.
Someonechuckles.
IlookuptofindCalstandinginthedoorwayofthekitchenwithasmile.“Allgood?”
“Havingthetimeofmylife,thanksforasking.”
Hemotionstowardthemixerinmyhand.“Needanyhelp?”
“I’vegotit.”Inafinalactofbetrayal,themetalflatbeatersspintwicebeforehaltingaltogether.IplaceitontheothersideofthecountertopreventmyselffromdoingsomethingImightregret.
“Icouldtakealookatitifyouwant.”Hereachesforthemixer.
“Don’tworryaboutit.Ihaveenoughbuttercreamtofinishupthelastfewcupcakes.”
“Isthatguavafrosting?”Cal’svoicehitsararehighpitch.Hereachesforthemixingbowlbesidemewithbrighteyes,butIslaphishandaway.
Hepouts,remindingmesomuchofCami.“Comeon.Justletmehavealittletaste.”
“No.That’sunsanitary.”
Hiseyesroll.“Noonewillknow.”
“Mystudentsmightnot,butIwill.”
“So?Aren’tthesethesamekidswhoeatdirtonadailybasis?”
“ThatonlyhappenedonetimewhileIwassubbing.”
Heleansagainstthecounterwithasmile.“Whatdoyouteachnow?”
“Spanish.”Irefocusmyattentiononicingthecupcakeinfrontofme.MaybeifIactlikeI’mnotinterestedintalkingtohim,thenCalwillgoaway.
“Doyoulikeit?”
“Itpayswell.”BeingtheonlySpanishteacherinallofLakeWisteriahasitsperks,especiallywhenkidsneedprivatetutoringforadvancedplacementexamsandfinals.
“Youdidn’treallyanswermyquestion.”
Damnhim.
“Idon’tmindit.”Sure,it’snotmydreamjobperse,butthekidsarecuteandI’mabletogohomebythreeintheafternoon,whichisamajorplus.
Hescansthekitchencounters,takinginthehundredcupcakes.“Sowhat’sthespecialoccasion?”
Somuchforhimleaving.
Myhandclutchingthepipingbagtightens.Abloboficingdropsontothehalf-finishedcupcake,ruiningmydesign.
“We’recelebratingthelastweekofschool.”Iswipethebotchedicingoffthecupcakewithmyindexfingerandwalkovertothesinktorinseitoff.
Calsnatchesontomyhandandtugsmeawayfromthesink.Mychestsmacksintohis,stealingmybreathaway.
Iattempttopushhimaway.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“SomethingIcan’tresist.”Theglintinhiseyesshouldcomewithawarninglabel.
No.
“Cal…”ThebreathywayIsayhisnameonlyseemstoencouragehim.
Caltsksmelikeachild.“Yourmomtaughtusbetterthantowasteanyfood.”Heliftsmyhandtohismouth.Hiseyesholdminehostage,castingaspellonmewhilehislipsclosearoundmyicing-coveredfinger.Everysinglecellinmybodyexplodeswhenhistonguebrushesagainstmyskin.
Calmakessuretotakehistime,dragginghistonguebackandforthacrossmyfinger,cleaningoffalltracesoftheicing.Eachswipeofhistongueactslikeashocktomybody.
Thewholethingisboththelongestandshortestfivesecondsofmylife.
Iattempttopullmywristfreeofhisgraspandfail.Hisfingersonmywristtightenbeforehereleasesme,andmyhanddropsbymysidelikeapendulum.
“Whatthehell?”Ishovehiminthechest.
Hedoesn’tmoveaninch,althoughhemakesitapointtoobnoxiouslylickhislips.“YoutastebetterthanIremember.”
You.Nottheicing.You
Ichokeonhiswords,mysharpinhalecausingmetocough.
“Yougood?”
Itakeastepback,addingsomedistancebetweenus.“No,I’mnotgood.”
“You’reupset.”
Ithrowmyhandsintheair.“Ofcourse,I’mupset!Youjust…”
“What?”Heactuallysmirks
Thejerk.
“Suckedonmyfinger!”
Calexplodesfromlaughter,hisneckknockingbackwardfromtheintensityofhisamusement.
Suckedonmyfinger?!
Ofallthestupidwaysyoucouldhavephrasedthat…Mycheeksturnpink.Cal’slaughterdoesn’thelpmatters,onlymakingmyflushworse.
“I’dhappilysuckonyourfingeragainifyouletme,”heteases,wagglinghisbrows.
Onesecond,I’mglaringathim.Thenext,I’mlaunchingoneofmycupcakesdirectlyathisstupidmouth.Itmissesentirelyasitsmacksagainsthischeek
Hislaughterstopsashiseyesgowide.“Didyoujustthrowacupcakeatme?”
Myanswerdiesinmythroatasthecupcakeslidesdownhischeek,leavingabuttercreamtrailacrosshisstubblebeforefallingagainstthefloor.
Ibreakoutintoafitoflaughterthatmakesmylungsburnandmyeyeswater.
Hewipeshischeekwithhisthumb.“I’drunifIwereyou.”
“WhywouldIrun?”
Hedevoursmewithhiseyesashestickshisthumbintohismouth.“One…”
Myeyesroll.“Seriously,cutitout.Ineedtogetbacktowork.”Imotiontowardallthecupcakesthatstillneedtobeiced.
“Two…”HegrabsafinishedcupcakefromtheTupperwareandspinsitinhishand.
“Youwouldn’tdare.”
Thesmileonhisfacemakesmybodyquiverfromexcitement.“Youknowwhathappenswhenyoudaremetodosomething.”
Hellno.
HetakesadvantageandlungeswhileI’mdistracted.Ijumpoutofthewayandboltfromthekitchenbeforehecangethishandsonme.
CalandIspentyearsperfectingourgameoftag,soI’manexpertbynowathowtoevadehim.Themansionislikeamazeoflonghallwaysandrooms.MylungsheaveasItakeoffdownthemainhallbeforemakingaleft,myheartrateskyrocketingasIrunacrossthehouse
Mysocksdon’tgivemethebestgrip,andIslideacrossthehardwoodasIturnacorner.
Imightbesmarter,butCalisfaster,makingiteasyforhimtocatchuptomedespitemyeffortstolosehim.
Hisarmwrapsaroundmywaist.NextthingIknow,I’mbeingliftedandpressedagainstawall.
“Didn’tyourmomteachusthatitisn’tnicetoplaywithourfood?”Hisgrinmakesmyhearttripinmychest.
Myeyesnarrowintotwoslits.“Youstartedit.”
“Thenit’sonlyrightIendit.”Heliftsthecupcaketowardmyface.
“CallahanPercivalKane,IsweartoGodifyou—”
Heproceedstopressthecupcakeintomycheekwithasinistergrin.
“Ihateyou!”Ishriekashedragsitdownmyskin,wipingtheentirecupcakecleanofbuttercream.
“Tothinktheysayrevengeisn’tsweet.”
“I’mgoingtokillyou,”Iseethe.
“ThenImightaswellmakethisworthlosingmylifeover.”Cal’seyesdarkenatmychallenge,thebluecolorslowlybeingconsumedbyblack.
“What—”Mysentenceiscutoffasheleansforwardandrunshistonguethroughtheicingcoveringmycheek.
ImightneedsomeonetobringmebacktolifebecausethereisnowayI’mwalkingawayfromthisalive.Mykneesbuckle,butCal’sarmactslikeabandaroundmywaist,preventingmefromfallingover.
Hestopstolickhislips,wipingthelightpinkicingaway.Hiseyesshutforasecond,andItakeadvantage.Icollectthehugelumpoficingfrommycheekandswipeitacrosshisstupidsmirk.
Hiseyessnapopen.
“You’reright.Revengeissweet.”Igrinsowide,mycheekshurt
Hiseyesdroptomylips.It’stheonlywarningIgetbeforehismouthslamsintomine.
Holyshit.
Everythingaboutourkissisdesperate.Passionate.Familiar
Hislipsareafuse,makingmyentirebodylightuplikethemidnightskyonNewYear’sEve.Ourbodiesmoldtogether,andIwrapmyarmsaroundhisneck.Hegripsmyhipswithenoughpressuretoleavemarksonmyskin.
Idigmyhandsintohishairandtughardenoughtomakehimgasp.Mytonguedartsouttotracetheicingoffhislips,andCalgrindsintomewithagroan.Mystomachmusclestightenfromthepressofhisarousal.Isigh,andhetakesadvantage.Histongueplungesinsidemymouth,teasingmeuntilI’mnothingbutawhimperingmess.
Thesweetestthingaboutourkissistheicinglingeringonhistongue.Hislastbitofrestraintsnaps,andtherealCalcomesout.Hisfingersdigintomyscalpashekissesmelikehefucks—asavagewithonlyonemissioninmind.
Makingmecome.
Asifhereadmymind,hishandtrailstowardthehemofmyshirt.Hisfingersgrazeovermystomach,drawingasharpbreathfrommethatheswallowswithhislips.
Thetipsofhisfingersteasethegoosebumpsspreadingacrossmyskin—
“Mommy?”Cami’svoiceechoesoffthetallceilingsbeforeanearbydoorslams.
Myeyesflyopen.Calfliesbackward,squishingtheabandonedcupcakebeneathhisshoe.Heturnstowardtheemptyhallwaybeforereleasingaheavyexhale.
“Mommy,whereareyou?”Cami’svoicesoundscloserthistime.
Somethingswitchesinsideofhim,theheatinhisgazequicklymorphingintosomethingelse.
Regret.
I’veseenallthesignsbefore.Theclenchedfists.Theavoidanceofeyecontact.Thewayhebrushesahandoverhismouth,asifhecanerasethetasteofmefromhislips.
Myheartsinks.
Whatdidyouthinkwouldhappenifyoukissedhim?
ExceptIdidn’tkisshim.
Well,yousuredidn’tnotkisshim.
Herunsahandthroughhishair.“Alana…”
I’mnotsurewhattriggersmemore:thewayheusesmyfullnametoaddsomedistanceorhowhecan’tlookmeintheeyeswhilesayingit.Isavemyselfthetroubleofhavingtohearhimcomeupwithsomekindofexcuse,mostlybecauseI’mnotsuremyheartcansurviveit.“Let’spretendthatneverhappened.”
“But—”
“Webothgotlostinthemoment.It’snobigdeal.”
“Right.”Hisheavyexhaleofreliefdrillsaholestraightthroughmyheart.
“CanIhaveacupcake?”Cami’svoicesoundscloserthistime.
Ilookdownatthesmashedoneonthefloorwithasigh.“Ibettergo…”
Ipatheticallylinger,hopinghemightsaysomething
Hedoesn’t.
Insteadofstandingaround,waitingforapossibilitythatwon’teverhappen,Iturnandwalkaway.Theemptinessinmychestgrowswitheachstepawayfromhim.
IspentyearstryingtofillthevoidCalleftmewithwhenheabandonedmethefirsttime,andI’mnotabouttoletonekissruinallmyhardwork.
Nomatterhowamazingthatkisswas.
Caldisappearsbacktotheguesthouse,leavingmealonetoreplayourkissinahundreddifferentways.Isomehowfinishuptherestofthecupcakes,althoughthetaskbecomesfarlessenjoyablenowthatIcan’tseparateCalfromthetasteofguavaicing.
Shameclingstomyeverythought,makingmequestionifIwastheonlyonetrulyaffectedbythekiss.
Ofcoursehewasaffected.
Hejustdidn’twanttobe.
Itrytodistractmyselffrommythoughtsbywatchinganewepisodeofoneofmyfavoriteshows.Itworksforabouttenminutes.Oncethecouplebeginskissing,Iloseallinterestincontinuing.Instead,IquicklyswitchtowatchingaproceduralcrimedramaIhavebeenfollowingforthelastfewyears.
Nothingscreamscomforttelevisionquitelikeunhingedserialkillers.
Myphonevibratesagainstthecoffeetable,soIunlockitandreadthetextDelilahsentinourgroupchatwithViolet.
Delilah
CheckoutwhoiswatchingthelatestepisodeofTheLastRosewithme.
SheattachesaphotoofherandWyattwearingfacemaskswiththeTVinthebackground.I’mnotintothatkindofrealityTV,butthethoughtofhavingsomeonelikethatwhowantstowatchafavoriteshowwithmemakesmychesttwinge.Delilah’slifeisafarcryfrommylonelynightwatchingTVbymyself.
Thendosomethingaboutit.
Thethoughtofdatingscaresmealmostasmuchastheideaofendingupalone.ButifIcontinuetoliveinfearofwhatcouldgowrong,I’llspendtherestofmylifebymyself,recitinglinesfromaTVshowbyheart.
Ideservemorethanthatformyself,andIplanongettingbackoutthere.
Ijustdon’tknowwhen.Islamthesealedbottleofvodkaagainstthecounterandstareatitwithshakyhands.Ontheonehand,IwanttodrinkuntilInolongercantasteLanaonmytongue.Butontheother,itfeelslikeI’mlettingherdowninsomeway.
Blackingoutwon’tsolveanything.
Neitherwillsittingaround,readingabooktoescapemyreality.Weallhavecopingstrategies,andminejusthappentobefoundatthebottomofabottle.
Ihesitatewhilepouringmyselfadrink
YoutoldLanayouwouldlimityourdrinkingforher.
Yeah,well,thesearedesperatetimesandall.
Iforgotheglassanddrinkstraightfromthebottleinstead.ThefirstsipwasmeanttoerasethetasteofLana’sguavaicingfrommytongue.Alcoholisapoorsubstitute,butthetastewipedawayanytracesofsweetnessfrommymouth.Thesecondchugwastotry—andfail—toforgetthewayLana’slipsfeltpressedagainstmine.Therightnessofitall.Thememoriesthatwerestirredupbyherlipsbrushingagainstmine.ThecravingIhavetorepeatthekissalloveragain,thistimewithoutanykidtointerruptus.
Therestofmynightisabithazy.NextthingIknow,alargeamountofvodkaismissingandthesunisalreadystartingtorise.
ThisisthefeelingIcrave.Thenumbness.Thestillnessofmythoughts.Theabilitytodisappearintothedarknessforalittlewhileandescapemyproblems.
It’snotuntilIwakeupthenextdayattwop.m.withapoundingheadachethatIrealizejusthowmuchIdrank.
“Fuck.”Isqueezemyeyesshut.
I’monlyabletogetanotherhourofsleepinbeforemyemptystomachdeclareswar.Iclimboutofbedandtakeaquickshowertowipeawaythealcoholseepingoutofmyeverypore.
AlthoughIhadplanstofinishupworkingontheattic,Ithinkit’sbestthatIstayawayfromthelakehousetoday
Onlybecauseyou’reafraid.
Hellyeah,I’mafraid.ThelastthingIwanttodoisconfrontLanaafterlastnight,especiallywhenIlookashungoverasIfeel.
So,insteadofheadinginthedirectionofthehouse,IgetinmycaranddrivetoMainStreetinsearchoffood.MyoptionsarelimitedtothecoffeeshopandEarlyBirdDinersincemostofthenicerplacesarepackedwithsummertouristswhojustarrived.
AstemptedasIamtoavoidIsabelleaftertheincidentwithWyatt,Ineedtofacehereventually.It’sonlyrightafterthewholesceneIcausedinherrestaurant.Plus,Ireallydon’twanttospendtherestofmysummercookingformyselfeverysingleday.
Iwalkintothedinerwithmyheadheldhighandasmileonmyface.
Isabelleturnstowardthebellchimingabovemeandfrowns.“You’rebravetoshowyourfacearoundhereafterthelasttime.”
Iholdmyhandsupinsurrender.“Icomeinpeace.”
Herrightbrowarches.“I’mnotsureyouknowthemeaningofthewordafteryoutriedtochokeourtownhero.”
IttakeseverythinginmetonotrollmyeyesatthewayshemoonsoverWyatt.“I’msorryforcausingascenethelasttimeIwashere.Itwaswrongofmetostiruptroublelikethatinyourplaceofbusiness,andIswearnottodoitagain.Scout’shonor.”Iholdupthreefingers.
Sheremainsquietwhilepinningmeinplacewithherglare.
“Pleasetakepityonmeandmyemptystomach.”Ipressthepalmsofmyhandstogether.
Sherollshereyes.“Quityourmopingandtakeaseatbeforeyoumakemelookbad.”Withaflickofherhand,IsteptowardtheboothbesidethewindowoverlookingMainStreet.Lamppostbannershangfromeachstreetlighttoremindeveryoneofthefast-approachingStrawberryFestivalIstupidlydecidedtovolunteerfor.
Isabelleslapsamenuonmytableandleavestogograbmyorangejuice.
IflipthroughthemenuanddecideonaturkeyclubbeforepullingoutmyphonetotextIris.
Whatareyouupto?
Iris
Getalife.
Myeyesroll.
Cute,Declan.DoyoualwaysinvadeIris’sprivacylikethis?
Iris
Onlywhenyou’retextingherwhilesheisnapping.
Sincewhendoesshenap?
Iris
Shewasn’tfeelingwell.
I’llcallherlater.
WithoutIristoentertainme,I’mlefttoplayCandyCrushuntilIsabelledeemsmeworthyenoughtohavemyordertaken.
“Whatdoyouwant?”Shepropsherhandonherhip.
Ipasshermymenu.“Aturkeyclubandasideoffrenchfries,please.”
Shescribblestheorderonhertinypadbeforeleaving.
Awhite-hairedmanwithasetofcrutchesstrugglestoopenthefrontdoor,soIjumpoutofmyseattohelphim.
“You.”Hesneers.
Mysmilewidens.“SheriffHank.Whatanicesurprise.”
“Can’tsaythesameaboutyou.”Hiseyesnarrow.
“Don’ttellmeyou’restillholdingagrudgeagainstmeaftertheincidentAlanaandIhadwithyourpolicecruiser.”Ionlynickedhiscarwithmysidemirror,butheneverforgaveme.
Ikeepthedooropenwhilehehobblesintothedinerwithhiscrutches.
Heshakeshishead.“Youshouldhavestayedaway.ThatgirlhasbeenthroughenoughasitisbetweenyouandVictor.”
Mysmilefalls.“Victor?”
Hank’sbrowsfurrowashismouthclampsshut.
“WhothehellisVictor?”Iaskwithalowvoice.
IsthatwhoyousawkissingLananearLastCall?
Hanktriestocirclearoundme,butIstepinhispath.
Helooksupwithapinchedexpression.“Getoutofmyway.”
“NotuntilyoutellmewhoVictorisandwhathehastodowithAlana.”
Youalreadyknowwhoheis.
Myfingerscurlintothemselves.Hankhuffsandpuffshiswayaroundme,onlytobeblockedeverytime.
Hisgazecutsintome.“CutitoutorI’llcallsomeonedownatthestationtocomearrestyouforbeingapublicnuisance.”
“Makesurethey’regentlewiththecuffsthistime.”Iholdmyhandsupinfrontofhisface.
“Youreallywanttoknow?”
Thehairsonmyarmsrise.“Yes.”
“Fine.VictorwasaguyAlanadatedforafewmonthsafterhermompassedaway.”
There’syouranswer.
Mystomachsinks.Fuck.“Andwhatwaswrongwithhim?”
“Whatwasn’t?Themanwasawalkingredflag,althoughnoneofuspaidmuchattentionuntilitwastoolate.”
Acidcrawlsupmythroat.“Howso?”
“That’snotmystorytotell.”Hislipsthin.
“Thenwhymentionhiminthefirstplace?”
“BecauseifyouscrewaroundwithAlana,wewillrunyououtofthistownjustlikeVictor.”
Iswallowpastthethicklumpinmythroat.“I’mnotheretomessaroundwithher.”
“Youbetternotorelse.”
“Orelsewhat?”
“Prayyouneverhavetofindout.”Ikicktheflattirebeforeteeteringonmyheels.Myarmsflail,butIcatchmybalancebeforeIfallflatonmyassanddroptheTupperwareofcocadasIspentamajorityoflastnightmakingforCami’sgraduationevent.
“Iseverythingokay,Mommy?”
ItakeadeepbreaththroughmynosebeforeturningaroundandfacingCami.Shelooksadorablewithhertiltedgraduationcapandminiaturegownthatdragsacrossthefloorbehindherlikeaweddingdress.IfIhadpaidattentiontomymom’ssewinglessons,maybeIwouldhavebeenabletoadjustthehemforher.
Thesameheavinessthathasbeenpresentsincethismorninggrowsstrongeratthereminderofmymom.
Teextra?omuchísimo,Mami.
“Ineedtoaskforsomeonetopickusup.”NowaywillIbeabletochangeatirebymyself.
Thesmileonherfacedims.“Willwebelate?”
Icheckthetimeonmyphone.“NotifIcanhelpit.”SinceIalwayslikearrivingearlytoeverything,Imadesuretohaveenoughtimeforanylast-minuteemergencies.I’vecometolearnwithCami,anythingispossible.Juicespills.Missingfavoritesock.Atriptothebathroom.
IchoosetocallDelilahfirst.Thecallgoesdirectlytovoicemail,soIdialheragain,hopingitwasanissuewithmyservice.Thevoicemailpicksuprightaway.
“Shit,”Ihiss.
Camigasps.
Iopenmypursewithshakyfingersandhandheradollar.“Whydon’tyougoputthatinthejarforme?”
“Okay!”Shegrabsthedollarfrommyhandandrunsinsidethehouse,nearlytrippingoverthehemofhergownintheprocess.
Wyatt,thenextpersononmyemergencylist,goesstraighttovoicemailaswell.IcallVioletnextinalastactofdesperation,hopingsheanswers.ExceptlikeDelilahandWyatt,shedoesn’tpickup.
“Whyisnooneanswering?”IletoutacurseasIkickthetireagain.
Itoldeveryonetogettherethirtyminutesbeforethestarttime—
Wait!
Islapmyforehead.WheneverLakeWisteriahasaneventwithoverfiftypeople,theareabecomesacellularservicedeadzone,mostlikelyduetooverwhelmingouronecelltower.IthappenseverysingleyearbeforeourStrawberryFestival.
“Dammit.”Itugatmyhair,thestingofpaingroundingme.“WhatamIsupposedtodo?”
Youcouldstartwithstayingcalm.
IpullupmyrideshareappandtypeinthecoordinatesforCami’sschool.Thenearestdriverislocatedatownawayandwilltakethirtyminutestogethere.
Panicclawsatmychest,turningeachbreathintoachallenge.
AsunbeambouncingofftheroofofCal’sshinycarcatchesmyattention.
No.Youcan’tbeserious.
IwishIwasn’t.IfavoidingCalwasanOlympicsport,Iwouldbeagoldmedalist.Eversinceourkissafewdaysago,Ihavedoneeverythinginmypowertokeepawayfromhim.
Findanotherway.
Thereisnootherway.HeisthelastpersonIwanttoaskforafavor,butI’malloutofoptions.Ifhedoesn’tdriveus,wewon’tmakeittoCami’sceremonyintime.
MyheelssinkintothegravelasIwalkupthedrivewaytowardthehouse.PinpointingCal’slocationdoesn’ttakemorethanasecond,especiallywhenit’spairedwithCami’sgiggle.Ifollowthesoundoftheirvoicesallthewaybacktothelivingroom,whereIfindhimonhisknees,readjustingCami’scrookedcap.
“There.Allbetternow.”Hetapstheedgeofherhatwithasmile.
“Thanks,Cow-l!”
AwarmthspreadsthroughmychestasCamiwrapsherarmsaroundCal’sshoulders,smackinghiminthefacewiththetasselonhercap.
MylowchuckledrawsCal’sattention.Ourgazescollide,andhiseyeswiden.
“What?”Ituckawavebehindmyear.
“You’resobeautiful.”Hisvoicedeepens.
“Ooo.YouthinkMommyispretty!”Cami’sbrightgazeswingsfrommetoCal.
“Ithinkshe’stheprettiestdamnwomanintheworld.”
Thebutterfliesinmystomachreturn,theirendlessflappingcreatingabuzzinmylowerhalf.
“Really?”Theear-splittingpitchofCami’svoicecombinedwiththeheartsshootingoutofhereyeswarnsmeaway.
Hedoesn’tlookawayfrommeashesays,“Absolutely.”
Ibreakeyecontact.“Uh-oh.Calsaidabadword.”
CamisquealswithdelightasCalblindlyhandsherahundred-dollarbillwithoutsomuchasbreakingeyecontactwithme.Shetakesofftowardthekitchen,leavingCalandmealone.
Hisgazedarkensasittrailsdownmybody,turningthewarmthinmychestintoaraginginferno.ForCami’sspecialoccasion,Idecidedtowearafloralsummerdressthatmakesmyboobslookamazing,andmyfavoritepairofheelsthathurtlikehellifIstandfortoolong.Thetwothinsuedestringswrappedaroundmycalvescutoffmostofthebloodflowtomyfeet,butbeautyispain
Totallyworthit.WiththewayCallooksatme,I’dwillinglyriskeachoneofmytentoesturningpurple.
Hiseyeszeroinonmyshoes.“Fuck.”
“What?”Ilookdownbutfindnothingwrong.
“ThethingsIwoulddotohaveyourlegswrappedaroundmywaistwhilewearingthose.”Helooksup.
Oh.My.God.
Heclosesthegapbetweenusbeforekneelinginfrontofmyshoes.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Myheartpoundsagainstmyribcage,thebeatsfillingmyears.
“You’regoingtopassoutifyoukeepthemonthistight.”Hisfingerstraceoveroneofmyswollencalves.Iteeterfromthesimplesttouchbehindmyknee,soIreachouttolayahandonhisshoulder.
Asimplebrushofhisfingersupmyleghasmebitingontheinsideofmycheektokeepfromgroaning.“I’llbefine.”
Caldoesn’tleavethechoiceuptomeashecarefullyuntiesthefirstsetofstrings.Theyfall,landinginamessypilebesidemyfeet.
Herubsattheredmarksonmylegswithfurrowedbrows.“Doesn’tthishurt?”
“Whocaressolongastheylookgood?”
Hisfingersworkinsmallcircles,massagingmycalvesuntilheispleasedwiththeresult.Breathingbecomesanimpossibletask,thegrowingachebetweenmylegsintensifyingwitheachpassingsecond.
Bythetimeheisfinishedretyingthefirstshoe,I’mclutchingontohisshoulderwithasteelgrip.
“Youdoingokay?”Hesmilesupatme.
Myeyesnarrow.“Youknowexactlywhatyou’redoing.”
OnlyIdon’tknowwhyCalisdoingit.Afterhowquickhewastopullawayafterourkiss,Ithoughthewouldkeeptohimselfandpreventanyfuturemistakesfromhappening.
Somuchforthat.
Hisgrinwidensashetracesafingeroverthegoosebumpsformingonmyskin.Ishovehisstupidsmilingfaceaway,onlytonearlyfallflatonmyassbeforehestabilizesme.
HerepeatsthesamethingonmyotherleguntilI’mpanting.Thepushandpullbetweenuswilldrivemecrazyifitcontinues.
Thisisexactlywhyyouneedtoavoidhim.
Herisestohisfullheight,althoughtheimageofhimkneelinginfrontofmewillliveonforeverinmydreams.Hismouthopens,butsneakersslappingagainstthehardwoodstophim.
Camirunsbackintothelivingroom.“Issomeonecomingtogetusnow,Mommy?”
“No.”
Hersmiledrops.“Why?”
“CanIaskyouforahugefavor?”IlookoveratCalandtuckmyhandsbehindmybacktohidethewaytheyshake.
Alineappearsbetweenhisbrows.“Tellmewhatyouneed.”
Asanitycheckwouldbeagoodplacetostart.
Iswallowbackthethought.“DoyoumindifIborrowyourcar?Igotaflatandnooneisansweringtheirphone,andIwantedtogetaridesharebut—”
Hiseyesstretchtotheirlimits.“Youwanttodrivemycar?”
“Umm,well…”Imotiontowardtheimprintofaflaskinhisfrontpocket,ignoringthepainfultightnessinmythroat.
“It’sninea.m.”Hespeakslow.
OhGod.Youinsultedhim.
“Right,but—”
Heholdsahandup.“Fine.Whatever.Youcandrive.”
“Yay!”Camiclapsherhandstogether.
Myshouldersdrop,thetensionbleedingoutofthemalongwithallthepent-upadrenaline.“Thankyou.”
Calpassesmehiskeys.“Anythingforyou.”
Threewords.Fivesyllables.Onepunchtothegut.
Idon’tlettheimpactofhiswordsshowonmyface.Buthethrewmebackintothepastwithoutalifepreserver,leavingmetodrowninthememoriesofhimsayingthosesamethreewordsoverandoveragain.
Anythingforyou,hesaidwhenhebrokehisarmtryingtogetmykiteoutofatree.
Anythingforyou,hegrumbledafterpickingmeupearlyfrommyveryfirstdatewithPeteDarling,ajerkwhodidn’tquiteliveuptohislastname.
Anythingforyou,hebrokenlywhisperedafterImadehimpromisetonevercomebacktoLakeWisteria,knowingIwouldn’tbestrongenoughtoresisthimagain,drugsandalcoholbedamned.
Realityisabitch,makingmyeyesprickfromunshedtears.
Thatwasthen.Thisisnow.
Ishovemyemotionstothesideandrallyformydaughter,whoneedsmetobefocusedonthepresent.
Camiwaitsinsidesoshedoesn’tgetsweatywhileIsetupherboosterseat.DuetohowcrampedCal’sbackseatis,thelowerhalfofmybodyremainsoutsidethecarwhileIstruggletogettheseatbeltthroughtheholes.
“Iseverythingokay?”Theheatofhisbreathagainstmyneckmakesmyskinpebble.
“Perfect.”Icurseastheseatbeltbucklesmacksmeintheknuckles.
“Here.Letmehelpyou.”Cal’schestpressesagainstmybackashereachesovermybodytohelpmewiththeseatbelt.Ourbodiesclicktogetherliketwomagnets,thepulltowardeachothertoogreattoignore.
Isuckinabreathasgoosebumpsspreadacrossmyskin.Hebrushesthepadofhisthumbacrossthem,drawinganothersharpinhalefromme.
“Stopdoingthat.”Ireleasetheseatbelt,leavinghimtofixit.
Hedoesn’tgivemeroomtoescape,insteadchoosingtoworkaroundme.Itdoesn’ttakehimlongtofigureouttheprocess.
“Alldone.”
Ijumpatthesoundofhisvoice,andmyassbumpsintohiscrotch.
Myeyeswidenatthesametimeashissharpinhale.
Oh,shit.Lanatriestopushmeaway,butwithhowourbodiesarelinedup,herasspressesagainstmydick.Shefreezesunderneathmewithabarelyaudiblegasp.
Mydick,alreadysemi-hardfromwhathappenedinthehouse,reactstohertouch.Bloodpumpsdirectlytothesourceofmylatestissue.
“Areyou…”Shestrugglestofinishhersentence.
“Youworethesamedressfromourfirstdate,”Ireply,likethatanswerseverything.Thedresssomehowlooksevenbetternowthanitdidbackthen,andI’mjealousofanyfuckerwhogetstolookathertoday.
“Ididn’t—”Sheglancesatmefromoverhershoulder,hereyebrowsscrunchingtogether.“Wait.YourememberwhatIworethatnight?”IknowwhatsheisprobablyassuminggivenhowaddictedIwastopills.
“Iremembereverything.”Mygazedropstohermouth.Thememoryofherspressedagainstminemakesmylipstingle.
Hertonguedartsouttotraceherbottomlip,andI’mhitwiththetemptationtoreplacehertonguewithmine.
Ourkisstheothernighthaslivedrent-freeinmyheadsinceithappened.RegardlessofhowhardItrytodistractmyself,italwaysreturnstotheforefrontofmymind.
WhatwouldhavehappenedifIhadstayed?
Whatifwehadtalkedoutwhathappenedratherthanrunaway?
WhatifIhadkissedheragain,regretsbedamned?
Instead,IdrankuntilIwasphysicallyunabletowalkbacktothehouseandkissheragain.
“Mommy!Areyouready?”
Ijolt.Lanapushesagainstmeagain,forcingmeoutofthecarandawayfromthetemptationofherlips.
Probablyforthebest.
“Let’sgetyoubuckledin.”Lana’svoicecomesouthuskierthanusualasshemotionsforCamitocomeover.WhileLanagetsCamibuckledin,IputtheTupperwareofcocadasinthetrunk.
TheawkwardtensionbetweenLanaandmeintensifiesaswebothgetinthecar.Idon’tletanyonedrivemycar,yethereIamallowingLanatodotheverythingmybrothersareprohibitedfromdoing.
Onlybecauseshedoesn’ttrustyoubehindthewheel.
Itapmyfingersagainstmythighsinapoorattempttodistractmyselffromtheunbearablepressurebuildinginsidemychest.
IwouldneverputherandCami’slifeatrisklikethat,soforhertothinkotherwise…
Itfuckinghurts
MydarkthoughtsareinstantlydrivenoutofmyheadasLanapeelsoutofthedriveway.Thetiressqueal,andacarhonksasLanadictatesthatshehadtherightofway,althoughIknowforcertainshemostdefinitelydidnot.
Iusethesafetyhandlebarforthefirsttimeinmylifeasshenavigatesthroughtown.Therearen’tmanystopsignsortrafficlights,butshemanagestohiteverysingleoneinthesameway—hardenoughtomakemesufferfromwhiplash.
Myheartpoundsagainstmychest.“Youdrivelikeamadman.”
Shecackles.“It’snotmyfaultthelightchangedfromyellowtoredsofast.”
“Youweregoingfortywhenitturnedyellow!”
Sheshrugs.
Iwipethedampskinovermybrow.“Howdoyoustillhavealicense?”
“ProbablythesamewayyouavoidedstayingoutofjailafterchokingWyatt.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“You’reamenace.”
“Ihaven’tgotteninanaccident.”
“Probablybecauseeveryoneintownknowstoavoidtheroadwheneveryou’reonit.”
Shesnapsherfingers.“Thatexplainssomuch.NowonderInevergetcaughtinanyrushhourtraffic.”
“Onlybecauseyou’rethereasonpeoplerushinthefirstplace.”
Shelaughsuntilhercheeksturnpinkandhereyeswater.I’menrapturedbythesoundalmostasmuchasthelookonherfaceassheturnstowardmewiththebrightestsmile.
You’reabsolutelyhelpless.Ibitedownonmycheektostiflemygroan.
LanafinallysparesmeaglanceoncesheparksthecaroutsideofCami’sschool.“Thanksforlettingmeborrowyourcar.”
“Anythingforyou.”Iofferherahalf-assedsalute.
Herbackgoesrigid.
That’sthesecondtimeshe’sdonethat.What’sthatabout?
Lanadoesn’tgivemetimetosecond-guesswhatIsaidassheopensherdoorandstepsoutofthecar.“Comeon,Cami.SaythankyoutoCal.”
“Thankyou!”Sheclapsherhandstogetherinthebackseat.
“Let’sgetyououtofthere.”LanagrabsthetreatsfromthetrunkwhileIhelpCami.Ittakestwofailedattemptsandnearlygettingstabbedintheeyewiththecornerofhergraduationcapformetorealizetwo-doorcarsandkidsareano-go.
Camifinallyclimbsoutoftheback,hergownawrinkledmessandherhatcompletelyoff-centeredagain.I’mnotsurehowshemanagedtowreckheroutfitinthefive-minutecarride,butI’mweirdlyimpressed.
Althoughhergownisagoner,Idomybesttohelpherwiththehat.
“Youremindmeofyourmother,”Isayabsentmindedly.
Camilooksupatmewithwideblueeyes.“Really?”
“Ohyeah.Shewasawildchildjustlikeyou.”Iwink.
Camigiggles,makingmychestallwarmandtightfromtheinnocentsound.Shelooksupatmewiththegoofiestsmile,andIreturnthegesture.
Thesideofmyfacetingles,andIlookovertofindLanastaringatmewithastrangeexpressiononherface.
“Everythingokay?”
Sheclearsherthroat.“Yeah.JustrealizedIforgotthecamera.”Sheturnstowardherdaughter.“Webettergetgoingbeforeyourteachergetsworried.”
“Areyoucoming?”Camiholdsoutherhandformetograb.
Istareatit.
“No.Calisbusy,”LanaanswersbeforeIhaveachancetoevenconsider.
Ilookupather,findingherworkingherjaw.
“Right.Doyouneedmetopickyouuponceyou’redone?”
Herheadshakes.“Thanks,butno.WyattandDelilahcangiveusaridebacktothehouse.”
“Whataboutthecarseat?”Iblurtout.
“I’llgrabitfromyoutomorrowifthat’sokay.”
“Ofcourse.”
Iexpecttofeelawarmrushofreliefastheywalkaway,butmychestthrobsinstead.Asenseoflonging,deepandforbidden,takesover.ThekindoflongingIhaven’tallowedmyselftofeelforyears
Thisisforthebest.
ThenwhydoesitfeelsoshittytowatchCamiandLanadisappearintotheschoolwhileIstandbymyself,lookinginlikeanoutsider?
Becauseyouareanoutsider.
Itrytoshakeoffthefeelingandgetinmycar,butIhesitateoutsidethevehicle.
Apartofmewantstogowiththem.It’sasmallpart,butapartnonetheless,anditfreaksmethefuckout.SoIdowhatIdobest.
Irun.
Itrymyhardesttosticktosoberactivitieslikegrabbinganearlylunchatthesandwichshopandpickingupanewbookatthestore,butnothingrelievesthepressureinmychest.
Thedrivetooneofthetouristbarsontheothersideoftownisablur—justlikeallthevodkatonicsIdrankafterwardtonumbmyemotions.
Somuchforlimitingyourself.
Itriedmyhardest,butI’mpowerlesswhenitcomestoalcoholandcontrollingmyselfunderextremestress.It’snotuntilmyvisioniscloudyandmyheadisquietthatIfinallyfeelatease.
NomorethoughtsofLana.
NomorethoughtsofCami.
NomorethoughtsofwhatmylifecouldhavebeenlikehadInotfuckeditallupsixyearsago.
Justme,thesteadybeatofthemusicstreamingoutofthespeakers,andalcoholtocuremyproblems.
Myworldfeelslikesomeonetilteditataforty-five-degreeangle.Istumbleoutoftherideshareandmanagetowalkupthedrivewayofthehousewithoutfallingonmyface.Ittakesmethreetriestogetthefrontdoorunlocked.Thehouseispitch-blackinside,andItripovermyownfeet.
Irunintoawall,exceptthewallisactuallyatablethatteetersfrommyweightbeforefallingbackward.Whateverwasontopofthewoodsurfaceshatters,theechoamplifyingthehorrificsound.
Iwince.“Shit.”Istandthereinthedarkness,afraidwhatImightuncoverifIturnonalight.
IfIcouldevenfindalight.
Asifthehousereadmymind,oneturnsonaboveme.Flowersofallcolors,shapes,andsizesarestrewnacrossthehardwoodfloor,surroundedbyathousandshardsofglass.
“OhmyGod.”Lanastandsatthetopofthestairs.“No.No.No.”
“Lana!”Ishout.“Imissedyou!”
Amanofsubtlety,Iamnot.
Herlookofshockmorphsintooneofanger.“Areyoudrunk?”
Ishakemyhead.“Buzzed.”
“Whatareyouevendoinghere?You’resupposedtobestayingattheguesthouse.”
“Iwantedtosayhi.”Iholdupmyhandandwavelikeacompleteloser.
Shetakesadeepbreath.“Don’tmove.Letmegoputsomeshoesonbeforecomingdownthere.”
“Yougotit,babe.”Isaluteher,whichonlyearnsmeadeathglare.
I’mnotsurehowlongittakeshertogethersneakerson,butIstareatthewall,questioninghowIendedupinthismess.
Lana.Cami.Graduation.
Ismackmyforehead.“Right.That’show.”
“Ican’tbelievethisrightnow.”Lanascowlsasshewalksdownthestairs.Itonlydeepensassheassessesthemesssurroundingme.
Iflinch.“Ididn’tmeantobreakit.”
Hereyesglazeover,lookingshinyunderneaththechandelier.Ihatethelookonherfacealmostasmuchasthesilencebuildingbetweenusassheanalyzesthebrokenshardsofglass.
“I’llbuyyouanewone.Ipromise.”
“Idon’twantanewone.Iwantthisone,”shesnaps.
“I’msorry.”Mybottomlipjutsout.IsawCamidoitonceanditautomaticallyworkedonLana,somaybeIwillgetluckytoo.“Itwasanaccident.”
“Accidentshappen,butgettingdrunkisachoice.”
“You’reright.Abadchoice.”
“Yetyoukeepmakingitanyway.God,Cal.You’rethirty-threeyearsold.Actlikeit.”ShepointsatthespotI’mstandingin.“Stayrightthere.”
Shedisappearsaroundthecornerbeforereturningaminutelaterwithabroom,adustpan,andatrashbin.Herangerislikeafire,suckingalltheoxygenoutoftheroomasIstandthere,uselessandsilent,whileshebeginssweepingthemessintoacorneroppositeofme
“Whogotyouflowers?”Ipointatthemixofwildflowersstrewnacrossthefloor.“Wasitaguy?”
Smooth,Cal.Shewillneversuspectasinglething.
Sheshakesherheadandkeepssweeping.“I’mnotgettingintothiswithyourightnow.”
“Why?Becauseit’strue?”
“Becauseyou’redrunkandactinglikeajealousidiotoversomeonewhodoesn’tevenmatter.”
“SowhatifIamjealous?”
“Whywouldyoube?”
“Because…”
“Becausewhat?”Sheshootsmeapointedlook.
Ibitedownonmycheektokeepmylastshredofdignityafterthrowingawaymostofittonight.Shegivesupwaitingandbeginssweepingharderthistime,makingafewpiecesofglassflyacrossthehardwoodfloor.
“Didyouevenbothergoingtorehabagain?”sheasksafterthelongestminuteofsilence.Herquestioncomesoffnonchalant,butthereisatightnessinhershouldersasshesweeps.
Ilaugh.“Ofcourse.Wanttotakeaguessonhowthatturnedout?”Itrytobowbutmycoordinationisseverelylacking,soInearlytoppleover.ThistimeIdon’thaveatabletosaveme,soIflapmyarmsuntilIregainmybalance.
Pathetic,Cal.Absolutelypathetic.
ShestaresatmewithanexpressionIcan’tmakesenseofgivenhowmuchalcoholispumpingthroughmyveins.
“Idon’twanttopityyou,butIdo.”
“Exactlywhateverymanwantstohearfromthewomanheloves.”
Sheblinksonce.Twice.Threetimesbeforeshestringsasentencetogether.“Andthat’sourcuetogetyoutobed.”
“Areyoujoiningme?”
ShegrabsmyarmandleadsmeupthestairsandtowardmyoldroomwhilegrumblingtoherselfinSpanish.Wewalkintandemtomybed.Mycenterofgravityisthrownoffwhenthetipofmysneakercatchesonthefloor,throwingLanaoff-balancetoo.
“Whoops.Mybad.”Ilaughitoff.
Herheavysighmakesmychesthurt.Sheguidesmetowardthebedwithoutanyotherincident.Oncemyasssafelylandsonthefoammattress,shestepsaway,butnotbeforeIlatchontoherwrist.
Iteasetheinsideofit,earningthesoftestgasp.“I’msorry.”
Shetriestotugherhandfree,butmygripholds.“Stopsayingthat.”
“Why?”
“Becausewordshavemeaning,andyouractionscheapenthem.”
Mygriponherhandloosens,soshetakesadvantageanddetachesherselffromme.Thecrackinmychestexpands,revealingtheemptinesswithin.
“Sleepitoff”isthelastthingshesaysbeforemybedroomdoorclicksshut,leavingmealonewithmydemonstokeepmecompany.IwakeupthenextmorningwithapoundingheadacheandtheurgetohidefromLanaafterlastnight.Unlikemyfather,I’mnotameandrunk,butIamastupidonewhocan’tkeephismouthshut.
Tomakemattersworse,IbrokeLana’svaseandthenmadehercleanitupafterward.
Ithrowapillowovermyheadtomufflemyfrustratedgroan.
Youhavenoonetoblameforyourbehaviorbutyourself.
Thedoortomyroomcreaksopen.Ipopmyheadoutfromunderneaththepillow,expectingtofindLanainthedoorway.
“Hi!”Camishouts.
Myheadthrobsinasilentreply.“Let’suseourinsidevoices.”
“Sorry,”shewhisper-shouts.
Closeenough.“Where’syourmom?”AndhowdoIavoidherfortherestoftheday?
“Makinglunch.”
Lunchalready?HowlongdidIsleepin?
“Andwhatareyoudoinginhere?”Isitupinthebed.I’mstillwearingmyclothesfromlastnight,whichlookliketheyspentaweekatthebottomofalaundryhamper.
“Mommysaidyou’renotfeelingtoogood.”
Myheadknocksback.“Shedid?”
“Yeah.IheardheronthephonetellingAuntDeeyougotahang-ovary.”
Ibustintolaughter,althoughIregretitinstantlywiththewaymyheadthrobs.“Ithinkyoumeanhangover.”
Hergoofy,gap-toothedsmileisslowlygrowingonme.“What’sahangover?”
AndthisrighthereisthereasonwhyIshouldn’tbeallowedaroundkidsinthefirstplace.
Iclearmythroat.“It’swhenpeoplemakebaddecisionsatnightandwakeupsickthenextday.”
Herforeheadscrunches.“Likewhenyoueattoomuchchocolateandgetatummyache?”
“Sure,kid.Justlikethat.”Iwishmyproblemsstemmedfromeatingtoomuchchocolate.It’sfarlessharmfulandwaymoreenjoyable,whicharetwoplusesinmybook.
“Howdoyougetbetter?”
Isigh.“I’mnotsureifIeverwillgetbetter.”
“Whynot?”
“BecauseIgetsickalot.”Assadasitistoadmit.
Cami’sstaredoesn’tholdanounceofjudgment.“Withahangover?”
“Yes.”JustbecauseIhaveahightolerancewhiledrinkingdoesn’tmeanI’mimmunetofeelingthenext-dayeffects.I’vejustgottenbetteratmanagingthem.
Anddisguisingthem.
“Oh.Wait!Iknowwhatwillwork!Stayrightthere,Cow-l.”
“It’sCal.JustCal,”Iemphasize.
“Okay,Cal.”Butitcomesoutmorelikecow.Maybeshe’llgetiteventually,buttodayisn’tthatday.
Camirunsoutoftheroom,leavingmydoorwideopen.Herbarefeetslapagainstthewoodfloorassherushesdownthehall.
I’mtemptedtoleavejustsoIcanavoidhavinganotherconversationwiththekid.Withthewaymyheadthrobs,itmightbeforthebest.
OryoucouldjustplayniceandentertainLana’sdaughteraftereverythingthathappenedlastnight.
EarningapointortwowithLanawouldn’tbetheworstthing.AsmuchasI’mnotakidperson,I’mwillingtopretendforalittlewhileifitmakesCamihappy,whichinturnwillmakeLanahappy.
So,againsteverycellinmybodytellingmetorunfarawayfromthekid,Istayinmyroom,waitingforthelittlewreckingballtocomebackwithwhatevershethinkswillmakemebetter.Hopefullyit’sabottleofAdvilandaglassofwater.
Aknockonmydoorhasmyheadwhippinginthedirectionofthesound.Therapidpaceofmyheartmakesmyearspound
Lanaleansagainstthedoorframe.“Doyouhaveaminute?”
Iswallowpastthethicklumpinmythroat.“Sure.”
Shestepsinsidemyroomandshutsthedoorbehindher.Withthewayshestaresatme,emptyandunflinching,mystomachfeelsaboutreadytopurgeitselfoflastnight’sbarfood.
“Lastnightcan’teverhappenagain.”
Myheaddrops.“No.Itreallyshouldn’t.”
“Iwentaheadandtookthekeyback.”
Myfiststightenaroundthecomforter.“Iunderstand.”
“Idon’tseehowthat’sevenpossible.”Hertoneissharperthanablade.
Iignorethechurningsensationinmyabdomenandfocusonher.“Aboutthevase…”
“Whataboutit?”Thequestioncomesouticy.
“Iplanongettingyouanewonetoday.”
“Doyoureallythinkbuyingyourwayoutofthiswillmakeupforyoushatteringmymom’svase?”
Iblink.“Yourmom’s?”
Ofallthethingstobreak,ithadtobesomethingthatbelongedtohermother…
Shereleasesashudderybreath.“Iknewitwasamistakeagreeingtohaveyoulivehere.Ishouldhavejusttakenmychanceswiththelawyersandleftituptoajudge.Ithoughtmaybeyouwouldhavesomecommonsenseandbeonyourbestbehavior,butobviouslyIwasaskingfortoomuch.Whatwereyouevendoingcominginsidethehousethatlate?”
Ifidgetwithmyhair.“Iwasn’texactlythinkingstraight.”
“Ishouldhavenevergivenyouakey.”
“Lana—”
“No.Youdon’tgettoLanameandexpectallthistogoaway.”
“I’mnottryingtomakethingsgoaway.I’mtryingtosaysorry.”
“Well,youcantakeyoursorryandshoveitupyourassalongwithalltheothershityouspew.”SheslamsthedoorbeforeIhaveachancetoevenapologize.
“I’mback!”Camibarrelsinsidemybedroomlikeatorpedo.Thedoorsmacksagainstthewall,andabitofplasterfromtheceilingfallsdown.
Thatlookspromising.
“Rememberyourinsidevoice.”Iwince
“Right.Sorry.”Shebouncesfromonefoottoanother.
“What’sup?”
“Imadeyousomethingtofeelbetter.”Shepressesafoldedsheetofpaperagainstherchest.
“Whatisit?”
Shebeckonsmecloserwithherfinger.Iconsiderleaningforwardbutthinkbetterofit,insteadchoosingtokneeldown.
Cami’sfacelightsupassheunfoldsthepieceofpaper.“Tada!”
Iflinchatthestabbingpaininmyskull.
“Doyounotlikeit?”Cami’ssmilefalters,threateningtodropaltogether.
“Myheadjusthurts.”
“Oh,sorry.”Herbottomliptrembles.
Aquickscanofthepapermakesmyheartcatapultinmychest.It’sthesimplestofdrawings,withabig,wonkyhearttakingupamajorityofthepage.Withintheredshape,shedrewtwoblondstickfigures.Onehaslargesquigglesontheirarmswhiletheshorteronehasatriangle-shapedbodytorepresentadress.Belowtheheart,Camiwrotemeamessage.
Feelbetter,Cow-L.
LaughterexplodesoutofmeatItraceovermyname.Can’tsayI’veseensomeonespellitlikethatbefore.“Iloveit.”
Cami’sentirefacelightsuplikeafirework,brightandimpossibletoignore.“Really?”
“Bestcardever.”Mylipspullintoasinceregrin.
Someonesucksinabreath.IlookupfromCami’sfacetofindLanastaringatuswithwideeyes.
“Hey.”Iofferherasmallsmile.
“What’sgoingon?”Shetakesastepinsidetheroom.
“ImadeCow-lacardsohefeelsbetter.”Camiturnstoshowhermotherthesheetofpaper.
“Didyou?”ThetightnessinLana’svoicematchesherrigidposture.“What’swrongwithhim?”
Cami’scheeksturnpink.“He’sgotsahangover.”
LanaglaresatmelikeI’mtheoneatfaultforteachingherdaughtertheword.
Iraisemyhandsinsubmission.“Sheoverheardyoutalkingonthephonefirstaboutahang-ovary,sodon’tgopointingfingersatme.”
LanaturnstoCami.“That’ssweetofyou.”Shepatsherdaughter’shead,rufflingthetangledstrandsevenmore.
“Doyoufeelbetter?”Cami’sbigblueeyeslookupatme.
“Absolutely.I’mstartingtofeelbetteralready.”Althoughtheheadacheandnauseamighttakesometimetowearoff,theheavinesspressingagainstmychestsinceIwokeupfeelslessintense
Camisquealsassheclutchesthecardtoherchest,crinklingthepaperintheprocess.“Iknewitwouldwork!”
Myeyetwitchesfromthehigh-pitchedtone.Idiscreetlyrubmytemple,tryingtomakethepressuregoaway.
“Whydon’twegoswimmingandleaveCalalone?”
Camirunsoutofmyroom,squealingwithexcitement.
“Thanks.”Istand.
“Ididn’tdoitforyou,”LanaspitsoutbeforefollowingCami,leavingmetostewinthesilence.Itrytobusymyselfwithorganizingtherestofthestuffintheattic.It’safailedattempt,withmeeasilybecomingdistractedbyallthenoisehappeningoutsidethewindow.
ThetightnessinmychestintensifiesatCamiandLanahangingoutbythelake.I’mhitwithahundredmemoriesofLanaandmedoingthesamething,althoughLanaactuallyspenttimeinsidethewaterratherthanoutofit.
Thesunbeatsdownonher,castingawarmglowoverhertanskinfromwhereshesitsonthedock.SheshieldshereyesasshelooksoveratCamiwithabig,beamingsmileIhaven’tseeninyears
Thefeelingoflongingfromyesterdayreturns,thistimemuchmoreintensethanthelast.Iwanttobedowntherewiththem.
Lookwhathappenedthelasttimeyouwantedsomethingyoushouldn’thave.
Thethoughtsobersme,andIescape,choosingtoreturntotheguesthouse.ExceptassoonasIwalkoutside,IfindLana’scarstillinthedriveway,thetireflatterthanapancake.BeforeIdecideagainstit,IswipeLana’skeysoffthecounterandgettochangingherflattire.It’saboldidea,especiallygiventhatmyexperiencewithtiresislimitedtospendingSundayswatchingFormula1withDeclanandIris.
ItonlytakesmefiveminutesinthebakingsuntorealizethemechanicsonTVhaveiteasywiththeirpowerdrillsandquickliftjacks.Unliketheguysonthelivecamera,therealdealisfarlesssexyandfast.
Mystartwasshaky,butthankstoYouTube,Adderall,andmyinabilitytobebestedbyashittytire,IreplacetheflatwiththedummytireIfoundinLana’strunk.
Althoughmyheadpoundsandmystomachisfeelingextraqueasyafterspendingthelasthourinthesun,IdecidetotakeLana’scartothemechanic.SinceIdon’twanttoleaveherwithoutaworkingvehicleforsafetyreasons,ItakearidesharebackintotowntograbmyDBSbeforereturningtothelakehouse.Ileaveheranote,mykeys,andCami’sboosterseatjustincasesheneedsacarbeforedrivingoffintotown.
Iwalkintothecarshop.“Hi.I’mlookingtogetatirechanged.”
ThemechanictakesonelookatmebeforereturningtotheepisodeofaKoreandramaplayingontheTVinthecorner.
“Doyouthinkyoucanhelpme?”Istopinfrontofthecounter.
“Sure.We’reallbookedtodaybutifyouwant,comeintomorrowmorning.Early.”Hiseyesdon’tstrayfromtheTVthistime.
Oneglanceatthestorehoursprintedonapaperbehindhimmakesmyeyesnarrow.“Areyouevenopentomorrow?”
“Yup.”
Ipointtothesignbehindhim.Hehastheaudacitytoripitdownandcrumpleitinaballbeforechuckingitinthetrash.
Mymolarsgrindtogether.“I’mwillingtopaywhateveryouwanttogetitdonetoday.”
Heglancesatme,thewheelsobviouslyturninginhisheadbeforeheshakesit.“Sorry,Sal.WishIcouldhelpyouout.”
“Butyouwon’t.”
IplaceLana’skeysonthecounter.“ThecaroutsidethatneedsfixingisAlana’s.Takealookifyoudon’tbelieveme.”
Hisgrayingbrowspulltogether.“Itis?Whydidn’tyoustartwiththat?”
Irollmyeyesandtellhimtopickthebesttire.HedisappearswithLana’skeysbeforecomingbacktenminuteslatertoletmeknowthatherotherthreetiresarebaldandheroilneedstobechanged.Igivehimthego-aheadtofixwhateverhethinksisnecessaryforherandCamitobesafe.Hegivesmeaweirdlookbeforedisappearingbackintothegarage.
Twohourslater,Idriveawayfromtheshopwithabillthat’samilelongandalightnessinmychestthathasn’tbeenpresentfordays.Thedrivebacktothehouseisquick.IpullintothedrivewayandparkLana’scarinherusualspotbeforeringingthedoorbell.
Shestepsout,clutchingmykeyswithatightfist.Basedonherclenchedjawandcrossedarms,thingsaren’tgoingwellforme,regardlessofthefixedcar.
Shetakesadeepbreath.“Igotyournote.Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“ItwastheleastIcoulddoafteryesterday.”
“Well,thankyou.”Shesaysitlow,asifadmittingherappreciationaloudwouldhaveagreaterimpact.
“It’sfine.IhadthemechanicchangetheotherthreetomatchbecauseIdidn’twantyoudrivingaroundintherainwithstrippedtires.”
“Youdid?”Hereyesflickerfromthecartomyface.
“Yup.Also,hewentaheadandchangedyouroilandswappedyourwipersoutfornewonestoo.”
Shecovershermouth.
Uncertaintydrivesmetoask,“Isthatfine?”
Shenods,herglassygazestillfixatedonthecar.
Ihandherthekeys.“Well,I’vetakenupenoughofyourday.”
Weswapkeys.Herfingertipsbrushacrossthepalmofmyhand,andelectricitypassesovermyskin.
“Thanks.Thatwaskindofyoutohelpmewiththecar.”ShedisappearsbehindthedoorbeforeIhaveachancetoanswerher.
Ididn’texpectmuchfromherafterlastnight’sincident,butpartofmestillwishedformore.Morewhatexactly,I’mnottoosure.AllIknowisthatmyconfidencefromearlierisreplacedbyanewwaveofemptiness.Exceptthistime,Ichoosenottodrownitwithalcohol.It’saself-inducedpunishmentIacceptwholeheartedly,knowingitismyfaultLanaisupsetinthefirstplace.
ThatnightIdon’tgotobeddrunkandnumb.Instead,IgotobedaliveandangryatmygrandfatherforputtingmeintheexactsituationIknewwouldhappenifIstuckaroundthelasttime.
Ican’treplacethevaseIbroke.It’sauselessefforttoeventry,butIheadoutSundaymorningtothelocalmallanhourawayfromthelakewiththehopeoffindingsomethingtomakeupformydrunkenaccident.
Findingavaseiseasy.Theselectionisendless,andIchoosethenicest,mostexpensiveone.Lanawon’tcareaboutthepricetag,butmaybemyeffortwon’tgounnoticed.
Whilethecashieriscarefullywrappingmypurchasesoitwon’tbreak,Iwalkaroundtherestofthestore.Abrightcherry-redstandingmixeronahighshelfcatchesmyeye.IthinkofLanaandherricketyoldhandmixerthatisonitsninthlifebeforecallingovertheassociateandaskinghertochargetheitemtomycard.
I’mnotlookingtobuyLana’sforgiveness.
I’mlookingtobuyintoherdream,evenifshedoesn’tanymore.
SinceLanatookmykeyawaywhenIwasdrunk,Ihavetoringthebellandwaitforher.Atsomepoint,Iplacetheheavystandingmixerontheporchandbounceonthetipsofmytoeswhileshetakeshersweettimeansweringthedoor.
Itcreaksopen,andsheblinksupatme.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Icametomakeamends.”Iholdoutthebagwiththevase.
“Withgifts?”Shefrownsatthebag.
Safetosaygiftsaren’tapartofherlovelanguage.
Myhopediesalongwithanyexcitementaboutthemixer.Istepinfrontofthebagbeforeshecanseeitwhilestillholdingouttheotherthatcontainsthevase.“IknowIcan’treplacewhatIbroke,butIwantedtogetyouanewvaseanyway.”
Shedoesn’treachforit.“What’sthepoint?”
“I’mtryingtofixaproblemIcaused,notstartmoreofthem.”
“Thenfixwhatactuallymattershere,andspoilerwarning,it’snotthevase.”
“I…”Ilosetherestofmysentence.
“Whatwasthepointofgoingbacktorehabifyouwereonlygoingtostartdrinkingagain?”
Myheartfeelslikesomeonesplititapartwiththejawsoflife.“Ihadlostmyreasonforgettingsoberinthefirstplace.”
Herbrowsfurrow.“What?Money?Hockey?Thewilltoliveanormallife?”
“You,Lana.Ilostyou.”Ishakemyheadhardenoughtomakemyvisionblurry.“Youdon’tgettostandhereandblamemeforyouraddiction.”
Heclaspsontomychin,forcingmetolookhimintheeyes.“I’mnotblamingyou.I’mjustbeinghonestaboutwhathappenedthelasttime.”
“Whatlasttime?”
Hisfingersclutchingmychintighten.“Icameback.EventhoughIsworetoyouIwouldn’t,IdiditanywaybecauseIwasastupid,hopefulfool.”
Isuckinabreath.“When?”
“Rightbeforemygrandpawastakenofftheventilators.”
“Butthatwas—”Overtwoyearsago.
Oh,no.
Thelookonhisfacedrivesaninvisibledaggerthroughmyheart.
“Ididn’tbelieveitatfirst.”Hisgazedrops.Tensionbleedsfromhisshoulders,eachofhismusclesrigidunderneaththefabricofhisshirt.“ButthenIsawyouwithmyowntwoeyes,kissingthatguy,Victor,rightbyLastCall.”
Myeyesnarrow.“Whotoldyouabouthim?”
Hisupperlipcurlsfromdisgust.“Doesitmatter?”
Ilookaway.
Hischestrisesandfallsfromhisdeepexhale.“Youknowwhat?Itshouldn’tbecausethat’snotmypoint.”
Myeyesshut.“Thenwhatis?”
“Ifailedyouforthefinaltimethatnight.”
Myheadshakeshardenoughtorattlemybrain.“How?Ididn’tevenknowyouwereintown.”
“Becauseinsteadoffightingforyou—forus—Ichosetheeasywayoutthatnight.Thefamiliarone.Thewrongone.Insteadofdealingwithmyproblems,IwantedtodrowntheminalcoholuntilIcouldn’tfeelanymorepain.UntilInumbedthepartofmybrainthatsawyouinthearmsofanotherman.Itwassofuckedupafterallthatefforttogetsober,butIcouldn’tfinditinmetostop.Ididn’twantto.Mymainreasonforgettingbetterwasstolenawayfromme,whichwasexactlywhatmygrandpasaidwouldhappen.”
Hebareshissoultome,andIfinditimpossibletotearhimdownatthemoment.
“IknowIruinedourchanceatsomethingmore.Itwasselfishofmetoeventrythelasttime,knowingthekindofmentalstateIwasinandthatusgettingtogethercouldverywellruinourfriendship.”
“Whytaketheriskthen?”ThequestionIobsessedoverfliesoutofmymouth,alongwithanysenseofself-preservation.
Hetakesadeepbreath.Mystomachtwistsintoaknot,themusclesstretchingtightenoughtohurt
Hisgazelocksontomine.“Ialwaysthoughtweweremeanttobe.Imighthavescrewedupthetimingabit,butthatdoesn’tchangethefactthatthereisnooneIwantmoreinthisworldthanyou.”
Breathingbecomesexponentiallymoredifficult.
“Iwasbidingmytimebeforebecauseitwasnevertherightmomentforus.Threeyearsdoesn’tsoundlikeabigdifferenceanymore,butbackthenitfeltlikeawholeotherlifetime.Bythetimeyouturnedeighteen,Iwasalreadyatwenty-one-year-oldloserwithonestintinrehabundermybelt.Iwasafuckupandyouwere…”Hestalls.
“Ifyousayavirgin,I’mgoingtopunchyou.”CalteasedmeaboutituntilonenightIcrackedandhookedupwithanout-of-towner.Hestayedpissedforanentireweek,whichwasunheardof.
“Perfect.Youwereperfect.”Herunshisknucklesacrossmycheek
Cuethebutterflies.
“YouhadallthesedreamsandsodidI.Oneofuswouldhavehadtosettle,andIdidn’twantthatforus.Didn’twanttoriskyouresentingmewhenwewereolder.”Hissmilefalters.“Iguessthatwasastupidreasonlookingbackonit.”
“Idon’tresentyou.Ijustwanttocutoffyourairflowandwatchyourfaceturnpurpleeverynowandthen.”
“Undertherightcircumstance,I’dlovetoplayoutyourfantasy.”Hewinks
“Sure.Oursafewordcanbemore.”
Alaughexplodesfromhismouth,pureandlight,ashestaresatmelike…
Likebefore
“ThisiswhatImiss.”Hegesturesbetweenuswithagrin.“IknowIcan’tgobackandchangewhatIdidthelasttimeIwashere.Andasfuckedupasitsounds,Idon’tregretiteither,eventhoughIlostyouintheprocess.BecauseIwouldhaveratherknownwhatitfeltliketohavehadyouforasummerthantohavenothadyouatall.”
Myheartfeelsaboutreadytoimplodeonitself,especiallywithwhathesaysnext.
“We’vehadarockystartthissummer,butIjusthopewecanbefriendsagain.AtleastwhileI’mhere.”
“Friends?”Thefloordropsoutfromunderneathme.
Hereadsmyfacelikehisfavoritebook.“IknowIscrewedupbig-timeyesterday.”
“Youdid.Massively.”
“I’mgladIhaveyouaroundtokeepmehumble.”
“Consideritmycontributiontosociety.Wecan’thavesomeonelikeyourunningaroundtownwithanegothesizeofLakeMichigan.”
“TheremustbesomehopeformeafterallwhenthereisstillLakeSuperiortocontendwith.”
Ipressmylipstogetherinapoorattempttoconcealmysmile.
Hesighs.“Look.Iknowaskingtobefriendsagainisastretch—”Yeah,becauseyoukissedmesenselessonlyaweekago.“ButI’mhopingwecanfindsomewaytogetalongwhileI’mhere.”
IrollmybottomlipbetweenmyteethwhileIconsiderhisproposal.Beingfriendswouldsetanexpectation.Itcangiveusafewboundariesthatwillhopefullypreventusfromdoingsomethingstupid
Right.Becausethatworkedsowellthelasttimehewashere.
I’msmarternow.Backthen,theexcitementofusbecomingacoupletrumpedmycommonsense.Butnow,I’mmoreprepared.Ievolved.LettinggooftheangerIhavetowardhimwouldbeasignofmaturity.
Nottrustinghimandhisaddictionisn’tasignofimmaturity,butexperience.
ExperiencesIsufferedthroughnotonlywithhim,butmysister,too.ThekindthattaughtmeeverythingIknowaboutlivingwithlovedoneswhosufferwithaddictions.
Iopenmymouthwitheveryintentionofrejectinghisbidforfriendship,onlytopressmylipstogether.Heisn’ttheonlyonewhomissesourfriendship.
Idoaswell.
Irockbackonmyheels.“Ifyouwanttobefriendsagain,weneedtoestablishsomeboundaries.”
“Like?”
“IfyougetdrunkagainlikeyoudidonthenightofCami’sgraduation,we’redone.Forever.”
Heswallowshard.“Fine.”
Well,damn.Iexpectedabitmorehesitancywiththatone.
“Andnomorekissing.”Thewordsrushoutofmymouth.
Hislipscurveintothesexiestsmirk.“It’sahardask,butIcantry.”
“Yousurvivedalongtimewithoutevenattempting,soIthinkyoucanmakeitwithoutanotherslipup.”Mycheekswarmatthememoryoflastweek.
“Thatwasbefore.”Hisvoicedeepens.
“Beforewhat?”
“Iknewwhatyoufeltlikebeneathme.”Herunshisknucklesacrossthesideofmyface.Theairbetweenuscrackles,thegoosebumpsonmyskinrisingtotheoccasion.
Itwasstupidtoeverthinkwecouldevenattempttobefriends.Thereisnopossiblewayofthateverhappening—notwhenasimplebrushofhishandmakesmybodyreactlikethat.
Ihateit.Iloveit.Ishouldn’tletiteverhappenagain.
Iclearmyheadwithaquickshake.“Youknowwhat?Nevermind.Ican’tbeyourfriend.”
Hepullsback,stealinghiswarmthandthetinglingfeelingrunningdownthelengthofmyspineawayfromme.“Whynot?”
“Youcan’tevenlastfiveminuteswithoutflirtingwithme.”
“Well,you’resettingmeupforfailureifyouexpectmetolastfiveminutesaroundyou.”
Igivehimaonce-over.“Disappointedbutnotsurprised.”
Hisfaceturnsredinfivesecondsflat.“That’snotwhatImeant.”
“Noneedtobeembarrassed.You’reoldernow,soIgetit.I’msurewiththerightpillsthatproblemcangetsortedoutrealquick.”
Hetakesastepcloser.“I’mnotembarrassed.I’menraged.”
Ifakeasigh.“Malefragilityatitsfinest.”
“Lana.”
Oneword.Fourletters.Athousandsparksblastingoffmyskinasheclaspsontothebackofmyneckanddragsmeagainsthischest.Ourlipshoverinchesapart,theheatofhismintybreathhittingmyface.
Novodka.
Myfingerscurlagainsthischest.
Hisfingerspressintothesideofmythroat.“Ineedtodefendmyhonor.”
“I’mamazedthereisstillsomethinglefttoprotect.”
Hiseyessparklelikeathousandstarsexplodingatonce.
I’mantagonizinghim.Iknowthat,yetIcan’tfinditinmetostop,nomatterhowloudthevoiceinthebackofmyheadshoutsthatnothinggoodcancomefromthis.
Calshocksmeashewrapshishandaroundmyhairandtugsonitlikearopeuntilmyheadtiltstothesideandmybreastspressagainsthischest.Hedragsthetipofhisnoseupthesideofmythroat.It’serotic,thewayasingletouchmakesmyentirebodyfeellikeitmightbeconsumedbyflames.Ishift,wantingtoescapethefeeling,onlytorubagainsttheonepartofhimIoffended.
Fuck.
Everyhardinchofhimpressesintomybelly.Isuckinabreath,andhechuckles.
“Right.Aboutthat.”Hisvoice,nowrougherthanbefore,causesmetotremble.Tremblewithwhat,I’mnottoosure.Arousal.Excitement.Desperation.Theoptionsareendless,eachonemoredangerousthanthelast.
“You’rehard.”
“Astuteasalways.”
Iblinktwice.“Whyareyouhard?”
“Becauseyouexist.”Hiseyesburnaholedirectlyintomyheart,torchinghiswaythroughtheicesurroundingit.
Ishakemyhead,tryingtoerasetheimageofhiseyesimprintingonmysoul.“Weshouldn’tbedoingthis.”
Hisfingersclutchingmyhairtighten.“Iknow.”Hekissesthesensitivespotbelowmyearwithasigh.AshakybreathescapesmebeforeIhaveachancetoswallowit.
“It’swrong.”Myheartpoundsharderinmychest,declaringthecompleteopposite.
Hiseyesshut,butnotbeforeIcatchthepainflashingwithinthem.“Isthathowyoureallyfeelaboutus?”
“I’veneverbeenmorecertainofanything.”Irespondautomatically,theimpactofmyanswerwrittenclearlyacrosshisface.
Itmakesmephysicallyilltohurthim,butIdon’thaveanyotherchoice.Toriskgettingclosetohiminanywayistoriskmyheartalloveragainforsomeonewhodoesn’tevenplanonstickingaround.
Idon’thaveitinmetosurviveanotherheartbreak.I’mafraidthenextonewillbetheonethatfinallymakesmeshatterbeyondrepair.
Hishandreleasesmyhairbeforedroppingbyhissidelikedeadweight.“Iapologizeforcrossingaboundarythen.I…”Hetripsoverhiswords.“Igotcaughtupinthemomentforasecond.”
Mychestthrobs.Thechurninginmystomachintensifies,acidcrawlingupmythroat,readytopurgeitselffrommytremblingbody.
BeforeIcanstopmyself,Iofferanolivebranch.AstupidolivebranchIknowI’llregretbutcan’ttakeback.
“Ifyouwanttobefriends—realfriends—youcan’tmanhandlemelikethatanymore.”
Hisfaceremainsunreadable.“Ithoughtyoudidn’twanttobemyfriend.”
“Ehh,Ichangedmymind.”
“Why?”
“Becausetheonlyotherfriendyouhaveintownismyfive-year-olddaughter,andfrankly,that’skindofsad.”
Thelookonhisfacewidensthepitinmystomach.“Idon’tneedapityfriend.”
“Toobad.It’sabribe-one-get-oneCastillospecial.”
Arealsmileformsonhisface,castingawaytheshadowsinhiseyes.“Doesthatmeanyou’llhelpbuildtheboatwithus?”Hisexcitementisaddictive,andIfindmyselfsayingyes.Iexpecttheregrettobeimminent,butinstead,IonlynoticeatinglyfeelinginmychestattheideaofbuildingsomethingspecialwithCamiandCal.
Maybeanactivitylikethatwillbegoodforus.Maybewecangetclosureandmoveonfromallthecrapthathasbeenbrewingatthesurfaceforthelastsixyears.
Heholdsmygazeforamomentlongerbeforetakinganotherstepback.“Ishouldgetgoing.Wehaveanearlymorningwiththecontractortomorrow.”
Iblinktwicebeforeregainingsensationinmylimbs.“Right.”
Hepassesmethebagwiththevasebeforewalkingbacktohiscar.I’msodistractedbywatchinghimleavethatIdon’tnoticethesecondbagontheporchuntilheisdrivingtowardthemainroad.
Iwalkinsidethehouseandplacethefirstbagontopoftheemptytablebelowthestairsbeforegoingbackouttograbtheother.
“Whatthehellisthis?”Igruntfromtheweight.MyarmstrembleasIdeposititonthefloorbesidethetable.
First,Iunwrapthevase.It’ssimple,elegant,andexactlysomethingmymomwouldhavechosenforherself.Thesecondbagsurprisesme.Ikneelonthefloorandpulloutawrappedcube.Awhiteenvelopeistapedtothetopofthewrappingpaper,andIcutthroughitwithmyfingernailbeforepullingoutacard.
Maybeyouwererightaboutwantingtomakesomeoneelse’sdreamscometrue.
-C
Withshakyfingers,Ipeelapartthewrappingpapertorevealaprofessionalmixer.Irecognizethebrandasonethatbelongedinmynevergoingtohappenbutmightaswelltorturemyselfwithlookingatitlist.
Myeyesfillwithtears.It’snotaboutthemixeritself,butthemeaningbehinditthatturnsmeinsideout.
Irereadthecardagain,andthebutterfliesinmystomachrageandriotevenharderthesecondtime.Thefeelinghasnothingtodowiththeurgetobakeuntiltwoa.m.tonightandeverythingtodowiththemanwhogavemetherushinthefirstplace.
BeforeIchickenout,IpulloutmyphoneandshootCalatext.
Thankyouforthemixer.
Thankmebymakingmyfavorite.
Deal.
Igotobedwiththestupidestsmileonmyfacethatnight,feelingbetterthanIhaveinweeks.Iwakeupthenextmorningexcitedandreadytomeetwiththecontractor.NowthatthingswithCalseemtobesettled,Ifeelmorereadytoworkwithhimonthehouse.
IbreezethroughthemorningroutinewithenoughenergytorivalCami.Herenthusiasmaboutstartingsummercamprubsoffonme,andwespendtheentirecarrideblastingherfavoritesongfromthelatestDreamlandprincessmovie.
IgaveuponmybattleagainsttheKanesandtheirfairytaleempireagesago.Itwasapointlessfight,especiallywhenallofCami’sfriendsareobsessedwithDreamlandandtheirprincessmovies.EvenIhavetoadmitthefilmsareprettycute,althoughCamiandIbothagreeitwouldbeniceforthemtohaveamovieaboutsomeonefromColombia.Bonuspointsifthey’refromBarranquillalikemyfamily.
BythetimeIarrivebackatthehouse,mymoodcan’tgetanybetter.
“Whathasyousmilinglikethat?”Calpeeksintothekitchen.
IdropthepanIwascleaningbackintothesudsywaterandshutoffthemusicstreamingfromtheportablespeakeronthecounter.“It’sthefirstdayofsummer.”
“Congratulations.Whatdoyouplanondoingfirst?”
Imotiontowardthedishes.“Ineedtofinishthisupbeforethecontractorgetshere.”
Hebeginstorollupthesleevesofhislinenshirt,revealinghisthickforearms.“HowaboutIdrywhileyouwash?”
Ilookupfromhisarms.“Why?”
“BecauseIfinisheduptheattic,andIdon’thaveanythingelsetodobeforethecontractorgetshere.”
“Youfinishedthatatticalready?”
“Yup.”Hegrabsatowelhangingontheovenandthrowsitoverhisshoulderbeforeturningtowardme.
Ican’thelpsmilingathim.“Domesticitylooksgoodonyou.”
Hislipstwitch.“MaybeIriswasontosomething.”
Myspinestiffens.WhothehellisIris?
I’veneverheardthatnamecomeoutofhismouthbefore,butheobviouslycaresalotaboutherbasedonthewayhiseyeslightupatthemerementionofhername.
IgrabtheBrillopadandgettoscrubbingtheleftovereggsoffthepan.Calstandsbesideme,dryingthepotIhadwashedaminuteago.Thescrapeofthescouringpadagainstmetalmakesmyearsache.
Henudgesmewithhiselbow.“What’swrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Irissaysthesamethingwhenshe’smad.”Hisvoicesoundslighter,andIlookuptofindhiseyessparkling.
Whatadick.
Iscrubsohard,apieceofthepadbreaksoffandfloatsaway.
“Areyousurenothingiswrong?”heteases.
“Yup.”
“Ifyouinsist.I’dhatetoputourfriendshipatriskalready.”
“Hereyougo.”Irinsethepanoffandpassittohimsohecanshutup.
Heleansforwardtowhisperinmyear,“It’scutetoseeyougetalljealousovermysister-in-law,butit’sreallynotnecessary.”
Iblink.“Sister-in-law?”
“IrisElizabethKane.AKADeclan’swife.”
“Declangotmarried?”
Henodswithasmile.“Tomybestfriend.”
Well,don’tyoulooklikethestupidonenow.
“That’snicethatyoutwoareclose.”Mynosewrinkles.
Hetapsit.“Declandoesn’tseemtoagreeeither.”
Alaughcatchesinmythroat.“Howishe?”
“Insufferableasalways.”
“That’sashame.Hopefullyhefinallygotthatsurgerytohelpwithhisrestingdickface.”
Calthrowshisheadbackandlaughs.Thecombinationofhissmileandthelightstreamingthroughthewindowmakeshimrivalthesun.Istepcloser,desperateforthewarmthonlyhecanprovide.
“God,I’vemissedyou.”Hewrapsanarmaroundmeandtugsmeagainsthim.Thegestureisintendedtobecompletelyplatonic,butthetinglingfrommyheadtomytoesdefinitelyisn’t.Caldoesn’tseemanybetterwiththewayheleanscloseandsniffsmyhairwhilehethinksI’mnotlooking.
Myheartthudsloudly,blockingmyhearing.
Dayoneofbeingjustfriendsisgoingwell.Can’twaitforwhat’sinstorenext.
RyderSmith,thegeneralcontractorfromLopezLuxury,pullsoutatapemeasure.“Shallwegetstartedwithawalkthroughofthehouse?”
Callooksoveratmewithatightsmilethatdoesn’treachhiseyes.“Ready?”
Myrighteyetwitches.“Ofcourse.”
CalandIarecarefultokeepawideberthbetweenuswhileweshowRyderthehouse.Thefewtimesweenduptouching,oneofushasaknee-jerkreaction.I’mnotsureifthisiswhatCalhadinmindwhenhesuggestedbeingfriends,butI’mhopingwecansnapoutofit.
Ryderdoesn’tseemtonotice.Hejotsdownnotesonhisclipboardwhileaskingusatonofquestions,someofwhichIdon’tknowtheanswersto.
Rydersquatsdownneartheentrancetothekitchenwherethewoodfloorswitchestovinyl.“Doesthewoodfloorcontinueunderhere?”
CallooksoveratmelikeIshouldknowtheanswer.
“Iremembermymomsayingthepreviousownercoveredupthefloorsinthekitchen,soIthinktheoriginalflooringrunsthroughoutthehouse.”
“Icanhaveoneofmyguystakealookandconfirmifthat’strue.Iftheyareoriginal,weonlyneedtorefinishthemwhichwillsaveusalotoftimecomparedtowaitingforanewfloor.”
“Withussettingsuchahighsaleprice,wouldbuyersexpectsomethingmoremodern?Likemarbleperhaps?”Calcrosseshisarmsagainsthischest,givingmeaperfectviewofhisveinyforearms.
InearlymisswhathesaysbecauseI’mtoodistractedfromthearmpornhappeningrightnow.
“Marble?”Iask.
“What’swrongwithmarble?”Calfrowns.
“Itdoesn’tfitthestyleofthehouse.”
“Neitherdoesthepricetag,butthatdidn’tbotheryoubefore.”Hegrins.
Icouldstranglehimrighthere,rightnowwithRyderasmysolewitness.Maybefortherightprice,hewouldbewillingtosupplymewithsomecementsneakers.
Ryder’sdarkeyesbouncebetweenthetwoofus.“Ifyouwantmarblefloorsforahouseofthissize,you’relookingatasix-monthwait,attheveryleast,dependingonoursupplier.”
Calwaveshishandintheair.“Thatwon’tworkthen.Let’sstickwiththeoriginalfloors.”
RydermovesontothekitchenwhileCalandIfollowbehind.Hepokesaroundandscribblesnotesacrosshisclipboardwhilemakingdifferentnoisestohimself.Somesoundconfirmatorywhileothersmakethehairsonmyarmsraise.
Heseemsespeciallyunhappywhenhewhipsoutahandy-dandytoolandstartshackingawayatagoddamnwall.Hemuttersacurseunderhisbreathbeforeturningtofaceus.“Sodoyouwantthegoodnewsorthebadnewsfirst?”
Calleansagainsttheislandwithasmile.“Youfoundsomethinggoodabouttheplace?I’mabsolutelyshocked.”
Ipinchhimintheside.“I’lltakethebadnewsfirstplease.”
“Youhaveasbestos.”
Oh,no.
“You’rekiddingme.”Calfrowns.
“It’sprettytypicalinhomesofthisage.Weneedtocontactanasbestosabatementcontractorwhoworkswithustocomeoutandcarefullyremovethemineralfiberfromthewalls,floors,andinsulation.”
Calpullsouthisphoneandgetstoresearching,completelytuningoutmypanickedgasp.
“They’regoingtohavetoripoutwalls?”
“Potentially.I’mnotgoingtoopenupanymoreholeswithouttheproperequipment.”
“What’sthegoodnews?”Irubmytemple.
“Itshouldn’ttakelongerthanthreeweeks,giveortakehowsoonsomeonecancomeoutheretoclearitout.Bythetimeyoucomeback,allofitshouldberemovedandwecangetstartedonthedemo.Itwillsetusbehindabitwithourtimeline,butyoucanspendthetimepickingoutthefinishes.”
MyworldspinsaroundmelikeIjuststeppedoffatilt-a-whirl.“Whoa.Wait.Whatdoyoumeancomeback?Wherearewegoing?”
Ryderfrowns.“Nowthatwefoundasbestos,Idon’trecommendyoustayhereuntilwehaveprofessionalsremoveit.”
“Whynot?”
Calspeaksup,hisjawworking.“BecausethereisnowayI’mlettingyoulivearoundsomethingthatcouldcauseyoucancer.”
“Cancer?”Myeyeswiden.
“PackyourbagsbecauseyouandCamiarestayingwithmeattheguesthouse.”
AfterRyderleaves,IdomyownthoroughsearchaboutwhatkindofhealthrisksasbestosposeswhileCaltakestheinitiativeandbooksanabatementteamtogetstartedonFridayonceIpackuptherestofthehouse.
Ionlyhavetwooptionsforatemporarylivingsituation,oneofwhichisautomaticallyano-gobecauseViolethastworoommatesrightnowandnoguestbedroomformeandasmallchild.DelilahandWyatt’stwo-bedroomstarterhomeismyonlyotheroption.IjustneedtocallDelilahonceshegetsoffworkandaskherfirst.
Caldoesn’tseemtolikemeevadinghisordertostayattheguesthouse.Hehasn’tstoppedfollowingmearoundallafternoon,whichhasbeenbothannoyingandusefulwhenIneedtoreachtallitems.
Inavigatemywaythroughthegarage,carefulnottorunintoanyofthestacksofboxesCallinedupforthemovingcompany.
Igetdistractedbyhispresenceandtrip.HecatchesmyelbowbeforeIfallface-firstintoarowofboxes.
“Willyoustopfollowingmearoundeverywhere?”Iripmyhandoutofhisgrasp.
“Notuntilyouagreetonotstayingheretonight.”
“Fine!”Ithrowmyhandsintheair.“Ididn’tplanonsleepinghereanyway.”
Hisbrowspulltogether.“So,you’restayingattheguesthouse?”
“No.”Istruggletoreachfortheluggageonthetopshelfdespitebalancingonthetipsofmytoes.
Calreachesaroundmybodyandgrabsthesuitcaseofftheshelfforme.Thebrushofhischestagainstmybackhasmesuppressingashiver,afactthatdoesn’tseemtogounnoticedbasedonthewayhetrailsasingledigitdownmyspine.
“Whereareyougoingtogothen?”Hisquestionhasacertainedgetoit.
Oh,that’sit.
Iturnonmyheels,andourchestsbrush.“Idon’tknow,butthereisnowayinhellI’msharingtheguesthousewithyou.”
“Whynot?”
Ithrowmyhandsintheair.“Becauseit’saterribleidea!”
“Afraidyoucan’tcontrolyourselfaroundme?”Hissignaturesmilecomesbackatfullforce,turningmywholeworldupsidedown.
Myscofflacksitsusualbravado.“Icancontrolmyself.”
“Isthatso?”Thepadofhisthumbfollowsthecurveofmybottomlip,sendingazipofenergydownmyspine.Myheadpatheticallytiltsclosertohim.
Emphasisonpathetic.
Ishovehimaway,althoughthepushisweakatbest.Myfingersitchtodigthemselvesintohisshirtandpullhimback,solelysoIcanfeeltherushhistouchprovides.
Thatrightthereiswhyyoucan’tlivewithhim.
Islipoutofhiscageandchargeaway,draggingthesuitcasesbehindmetothesoundtrackofCal’slaugh.
IspendtherestofthedaypackingupthenecessitiesforCamiandmyself,whichisanexhaustingendeavorinitself.I’mnotlookingforwardtopackingeverythingelseawaybeforetheasbestosabatementteamcomes.
Idon’thavealotofkeepsakes.ThemostimportantthingIownhappenstobeashoeboxcrammedfullofmemories.Iclimbtheladderinmyclosetandsearchforthebox.It’skeptoutofreach,hiddenbehindanoldSantagiftIforgottoputunderthetreeacoupleofyearsago.
Ibrushashakyhandacrossthedustyshoeboxtopbeforeremovingit.MyhandtremblesasIsiftthroughthecountlessphotos,tickets,afewofCal’shospitalbandsfromallthetimeshegotinjuredbecauseofme,Cami’sfavoritepacifier,andothermemorabiliafrommyentirelife.It’sbittersweethowtwenty-nineyearsofmemoriescanfitinasingleshoebox.TherewasonceatimeIdreamedofmoreformyselfthanthistown.IloveLakeWisteria—Ireallydo—butitwasnevermeanttobetheadventure.
Itwassupposedtobethefinaldestination.
Nowyouwillfinallyhaveachancetomakeyourdreamscometrue.
WiththemoneyI’mboundtogetfromthesellingthehouse,thereisn’tanythingstoppingmeanymorefromtravelingaroundtheworldandopeningmyownbakeryhere.
Well,nothingexceptformyself.Self-doubtalwaysrearsitsuglyheadattheworsttimes,makingmewonderifIreallyhavewhatittakestobesuccessful.
You’llneverknowifyoudon’ttry.
“Mommy!”Camirunsintothecloset.
Mygripontheshoeboxslipsandfallsagainstthefloor,bottomsideup.
“Oh,no!I’msorry!”Camigetsonherkneesandliftsthebox,proceedingtodumpallthecontents.
“Igotit.Don’tworryaboutit.”Iclimbdowntheladder.
Sheholdsupaphotowithabigsmile.“Look!It’syouandCow-lholdinghands!”
Ofallthephotosshefound,ithadtobetheoneofhimandmeattheStrawberryFestivalsixsummersago.
“Mm-hm.”Ipluckthephotofromherhandsanddropitintothebox.
Herheadtilts.“Doyoulikehim,Mommy?”
“Wewerefriends.”
“Likekissingfriendsorfriendsfriends?”
PorelamordeDios.“Justfriends.”
Ararefrowncrossesherface.
“What?”
“Nothing,”shereplieswithatonethatsaystheopposite.
Youneedtobemorecarefulwithhimwhenyou’rearoundher.
Camiisthelastpersonwhoshouldbegettingherhopesupaboutus.WhateverhappenedinthepastbetweenCalandmeisjustthat.
Thepast.“Iwaswonderinghowlongitwouldtakeyoutocometotherightdecision.”Calholdsopenthedoorwithagrin.
Myeyesturnintoslits.“Ihaveonecondition.”
“Nameit.”
“NodrinkinginfrontofCami.”
Hissmileslips.“Ofcoursenot.”
Ireleaseabreath.“Thankyou.”
“Hi!”Camipopsoutfrombehindme.
“What’sup,kiddo?”HekneelstoCami’seyelevel.Hiseyeswidenwhenshethrowsherarmsaroundhisneckandsqueezesuntilhisskinturnsred.
Damnmyheartstraighttohellforbetrayingmewiththewayitthrobsattheirembrace.
Hestandstohisfullheight.“WhathappenedtostayingwithDelilahandWyatt?”
“Hergrandmotherisvisitingfromoutoftownforthemonth,”Igrumble.
“AndViolet?”
“Shelivesinasmallapartmentwithtworoommates.”
“There’snothingIlovemorethanbeinglastchoice.”Hereachesformyluggageandrollsitinside.Ifollowbehindhim,takinginthelargestacksofbooksscatteredaroundthelivingroom.
“Sincewhenareyouintoreading?”
Aflushspreadsuphisneckashetuckshisthumbsintothefrontpocketsofhisjeans.“Iliketokeepmymindbusy.”
“Youreadallthoseinthelastfewweeks?”Theremustbeatleastfiftybooksspreadaroundthespace.
Henods.
“Wow.”
Hisgazeflicksoverme.“Doyouneedanyhelpgrabbingtherestofthestuff?”
“Becarefulwhatyouvolunteerfor.”
“It’snotlikeIhaveanythingelsetodo.”
Calspendsthenexthourhelpingmecarryoverboxesandbagsfullofstuff.Bythetimewe’redone,theguesthouse’sentirelivingroomflooriscoveredwithtoys.Thekitchencabinetsspillwithgroceriesandcookingtools,andthebedroomsarecrammedwithourpersonalitemsthatwedidn’twanttoriskleavingbehind,includingmyvibratorthatIhidinmynightstand.NowaywasIleavingthataroundforsomerandomguytofind.
CaldisappearswhileIdomybesttomakeCami’snewroomlookhomeywithherprincesscomforter,butterflylamp,andLEDlights.
BythetimeI’mdone,Ineedtopee.IopenthebathroomdoorclosesttoCami’sroomonlytogetyelledatbymykid,whositsonthetoiletclaimingshehasatummyache.Takingheroffthetoiletafterthatwarningisnolongeranoption
Lightspillsoutfromunderneaththecrackofthesecondbathroomlocatedattheendofthehall.Iturntheknob,butthedoordoesn’topen.
“Givemeasecond.”ThedoormufflesCal’sdeepvoice.
Thedooropens,andacloudofsteambillowsaroundCal,whostandsinthedoorwaywearingnothingbutawhitetowel.Heissofocusedonwrappingitaroundhiswaistthathedoesn’tnoticemytonguefallingoutofmymouth.
Idon’tknowwheretolook.Althoughhisbulgingtrapsaretempting,Iquicklybecomedistractedbyhisglisteningabsthatleadstraighttowardthemusclespointinglikeanarrowtowardhiscock.Heisn’tevenhard,butIcanmakeouttheshapeofhimfrombeneaththeterryclothmaterial.
ThemanwascreatedbyGodtofulfilleverywoman’sfantasy.
Morelikeyours.
ThefarawaysoundofCami’stabletpushesmeintoaction.
“Getinthere.”Ipushhimbackintothebathroomandshutthedoorbehindus.
“What’swrong?”Hetripsoverhisfeetbeforecatchinghimselfonthecounter.
Iripasecondtowelofftheshelfbeforeslappinghiminthefacewithit.“Coverallthatupbeforeyougooutsideagain.”
“Coverthis?Whatfor?”Hislipstwitchasherunshishandalongthecurvesanddivotsofhisabdominalmuscles.
“Thereisachildhere!”Iwhisper-shout.
“Relax.I’mjustjokingwithyou.”Hereachesforthetowelandcovershisupperbodyuntilheresemblesamummy.“Allbetter?”Helooksridiculouswiththewayhiswethairflopsinfrontofhisface.
“Notevenremotely.”Ithrowadamphandtoweloverhisface.“There.Allbetter.”
Hepullsitoffwithalaugh.“Sorryaboutthat.IforgotaboutCamistayinghere.”
“Oh,soifit’sjustme,thenit’sokaytowalkaroundinonlyatowel?”
“Ifitwerejustyou,I’dlosethetowelaltogether.”Hewinks.
Mymouthwatersattheimageofhimdoingjustthat.
“You’dlikethat,wouldn’tyou?”Hishuskyvoicemakesmybellyheat.
“No.”Inoticemynosetwitchingtoolate.
Herunshisfingerdowntheslope,elicitingapleasantshiver.“Areyousure?”Hishandsreachfortheedgeofthetowel.
Myheartthumpsharderagainstmychest,makingitimpossibletohearashebeginstoundothetowel.
“No!”Islapmyhandsagainsthiswaisttostophim,onlytobrushagainsthiscockintheprocess.
Iblink.Hegrins.
MypinkiereachesouttoteasehislengthjusttoconfirmwhatIfelt.Heshivers,thetinyexhalehereleasesmakingmepressmylegstogether.
“Unlessyouplanonfinishingwhatyoustarted,Iwouldn’tdothatagain.”Hepushesmyhandaway.
Allfiveofmyfingersitchtowrapthemselvesaroundhislength.Ithurtsmetodenytheinstinct,especiallywithhowhelooksatme.
“KeepstaringatmelikethatandImightgetthewrongidea.”Hesqueezeshiscockthroughthetowelwithasmirk.
Thatfucker…
Thepulsingbetweenmylegshasnothingtodowithneedingtousethebathroom.“Fortherecord,you’reaterriblefriend.NowonderDeclandoesn’tlikeyouhangingaroundhiswife.”IshovehimoutofthebathroomandlockthedoorbeforeIdosomethingstupidlikekissthesmileoffhisface.
Igiveupontryingtoblindlypluginmycellphonechargerintotheoutletbehindmybed.It’simpossibletoreachwithoutgettingonmyhandsandknees,soIkneelandusetheflashlightonmycellphonetolightupthedarkspaceunderneath.
Aloudhissmakesmefallbackonmyassandreleaseablood-curdlingscreamstraightoutofamovie.Quick,heavyfootstepsrunningdownthehallmatchtheerraticbeatofmyheart.Mydoorswingsopenbeforetheknobslamsintothewall.
“What’swrong?”Callooksaroundtheroomwithwildeyeswhileclutchingontoalamp.
Ipressahandagainstmychest,willingmyhearttocalmdown.“Whatkindofweaponisthat?”
Hischeeksturnalightshadeofpink.“Itwasthefirstthingwithingrabbingdistance.”
Hethoughtyouwereindanger,sohedidn’twanttowasteanytime.
Mythroatswells,stealingmyabilitytospeak.
Camibarrelsintotheroom,hersmallhandsraisedinafightingstanceshelearnedinkarate.“I’llsaveyou!”Sheslicesherhandsthroughtheairandspinkicks.Herfeetslideacrossthecarpet,herarmsflailingasshelosesherbalance.
Calditchesthelamptocatchherrightbeforeshecrashesagainstthefloor.Heliftsherintotheair,makinghergiggle.
Myheartthudsagainstmychestinbetrayal.It’simpossiblenottohavesomesortofreactionasCalthrowsherintheairagain,earninganotherloudlaughbeforeplacingherbackonherfeet.
Callooksupatme,catchingmestaringathimandCami’sinteraction.“Whathappened?”
Ipointashakyfingeratthedarkspaceunderthebed.“Thereissomethingunderneaththebed.”
“What?”
“Idon’tknow.It’snotlikeIgotagoodlookbeforeithissedatme.”
“Oh,that’sMerlin.”Cal’seyessparkleasheoffersmehishand.I’malittlewobblyonmyfeet,mainlyduetothewayCalscansmybodyforanyinjuries.
Ilookawayfirst.“Thatthingisyourcat?”
Camigasps.“Youhaveacat?”
Henods,andCamiinstantlyabandonsusforthebed.
“Cami,no!He’snotnice.”Iswoopandpullherback.
Calshakeshishead.“That’snottrue.Merlinmightsoundscary,buthe’sharmless.Iswear.Hedoesn’tevenhaveclawsbecausehislastownerwasanabusivejerk,soyoudon’thavetoworryabouthimhurtinganyone.Theworstthinghedoesisshed,butIhavearobotvacuumforthat.”
Myheartaches.“Hewasdeclawed?”
“Yes,andthatisn’teventheworstofit.”
GoodGod.Myweaknessforstraysisstartingtoshowitselfattheworsttime.
“CanIpethim?Please?”Camilooksupatmewhilebattingherlashes.
IlooktoCalforapproval.
“It’sfinewithme.”
Isighwithresignation.“Allright.”IcanjusttellwiththewayCami’seyeslightup,sheisgoingtobeattachedtoMerlinbytheendofthenight.
CamiarmycrawlstowardthebedwhilecooingandcallingMerlin’sname.Hedoesn’tcomeout,whichmakesherfrown.
“Hedoesn’tlikeme.”
Calshakeshisheadwithasmileandkneelsbesideher.
Forthesecondtimetonight,IbearwitnesstoCalbeingsweettomykidfornootherreasonthanheisjustthatkindofguy.
“Heisalittleshy.”Heholdsouthishandbeneaththebed.
Camiwaits,herbodytremblingfromhergrowingexcitement.
Ittakesaminute,butthankstoCal’spersistenceandCami’spatience,askinnyblackcatcomescrawlingoutfromunderneaththebed.HerubsagainstCal’sthigh,histailswishingbackandforthasCalrunshishanddownthecat’sspine.
“Slowlypethim.”CalshowsCamionemoretimebeforelettinghertry.
CamireachesoutherhandwiththeintentiontobrushherfingersacrossMerlin’sfur,butthecatdartsoutsideoftheroombeforeshehasachance.
Hersmilefalls.“Hehatesme.”
“He’sjustgrumpy,butIhaveatrick.”CalstandsbeforeliftingCamiupandontoherfeet.
HeshowsherhissecretstashofcatnipandMerlin’sfavoritetoy.Camiwatcheswithfascinationashefillsthetoyfullofthestuffbeforehandingherthepoleitisattachedtowithastring
WithCal’sinstruction,CamidanglesthefishinfrontofthecouchwhereMerlinishidingunderneath.WhenMerlin’spawdartsouttocatchthefeatheredfish,Camisqueals.Calendsuplaughingatherreaction,andIfindmyselfdoingthesame.
Istickback,bothenamoredandterrifiedbytheirinteraction.Themorethetwoofthemspendtimetogether,themoreIworrythatCamimightgrowattachedtoCal.IknowwhatitfeelsliketohaveyourheartcrushedbynoneotherthanCallahanKane.Itleavesavoidthatcan’tbefilled,nomatterhowhardonetries.
I’vemadeplentyofmistakes,butIwonderifImadethebiggestoneyetbyallowingmydaughtertogetcaughtupinCal’sspell.Ifsheisanythinglikeme,thenthereisnowayshewon’tenduplovinghim.Butthenhewillleave,andI’llbestuckpickingupthepiecesyetagain.
Exceptthistime,itwon’tbemyhearthebreaks.
Itwillbemydaughter’s.LivingwithLanaandCamiisacompletelydifferentexperiencethanseeingthemeverynowandthenbackatthemainhousewhileIwascleaningouttheattic.Forstarters,theentirehouseisfilledwithtoys.Boxesuponboxesoftoys.ThewholelivingroomisaminefieldofLegos,princessdolls,andenoughstuffedanimalsforCamitoplaypretendschool
Thekidiscuteasfuckassheactsouthermother’sSpanishclass,switchingfromEnglishtoSpanish,withLanacorrectinghereverynowandthenwhileshepreparesdinnerinthekitchen.
Camipointsapapertowelrollattheminiwhiteboardshewroteon.“Vamosaapprendoespa?ol.”
“Vamosaaprenderespa?ol.”
Camirepeatsthephrasebeforeearningaflour-coveredthumbs-upfromhermother.
Ichuckleunderneathmybreath,givingawaythefactthatIwaspretendingtoread.
“Cal,doyouwanttoplaywithme?”Camirunsovertomeandtugsonmyhand
Lanalooksupfromhercuttingboard.“IthinkCalisbusy.”
She’sbeenrathericythelastcoupleofdays,eversincethedayaftershemovedin.I’vetriedtobreakthroughwithafewjokes,butnothingseemstogetpasther.Evenmyattemptstonotdrinkdonothingtolightenthemood.
ShehasbeencarefultonotleavemealonewithCamiforlongerthanaminute,whichwasn’tthecasebefore.
Whatchanged?
Honestly,notknowingisdrivingmealittlecrazy.I’mnotsurewhathappenedbetweenherofferingtobemyfriendandnow.Whateverisgoingoninherheadcan’tbegood,andI’mtemptedtocornerherandgetsomeanswers.
MaybeonceCamifallsasleepIcan.
“Please?”Camiblinksupatmewithherlonglashes.
“Sure.I’dlovetoplaywithyou,kiddo.”IstandandfollowabeamingCami,allwhileLanaglaresatme.
IspendthenexttwentyminutesimpersonatingastudentwhileCamiattemptstoreadmeabookinSpanish.Shetripsoverthewords,andIdomybesttohelpherout,withLanainterjectingeverynowandthenonwordsImispronounce.
Myneckandspineprickleeverynowandthen.WhenIlookaround,IfindLanaquicklybusyingherselfwithsomethinginthekitchen.
What’sgoingon?
“Allright,Camila.Timefordinner.”Lanatugsherapronoverherhead.
Thesmellscomingfromtheovenmakemewishsheextendedmethesameinvitation,althoughIknowthatwon’thappen.
Camilatchesontomyhandandtugs.“Vamosacomer.”
Lanadoesn’tsayanything,butthesilencebetweenusdoesn’tbodewell.Asgoodasahome-cookedColombianmealsoundsrightnow,I’mnotabouttogiveLanaanotherreasontobeannoyedwithme.
Ishakemyhead.“Ican’t.”
“Why?”
“Ihaveplans.”
“Likewhat?”Thekidlacksanypersonalboundariesorsocialskills.
Sheisfive.Giveherabreak.
“I’mgoingtoeatatthediner.”
HerfacescrunchesinthesamewayLana’sdoes.“Booooo.”
JustwhenIthoughtmylifecouldn’tgetanylower,Igetheckledbyafive-year-old.
Great.
LanawalksuptoCamiandgiveshershouldersasqueeze.“Maybenexttime.”
“Right.”
“Butmymommy’sthebestestcookinthewholewideworld.”Herbeamingsmileisaforcetobereckonedwith.IdoubtIwouldstandmuchofachanceattellinghernoifitweren’tforLanaglaringaholeintothesideofmyfaceasIaddressherchild.
“Iknow.Shelearnedfromthesecondbestestcookinthewholewideworld—hermom.”
Camigasps,andIinstantlyknowIsaidthewrongthing.
“YouhadAbuela’sfood?When?”Camilooksupatmewithwideeyes.
IglancetowardLanaforapprovalbeforeIsaysomethingIshouldn’t.Shegivesmeasmallnod,andIletoutabreathofrelief.
“SheworkedherewhileIvisitedinthesummersgrowingupandcookedthebestfoodI’veeverhad.Afteryourmom,thatis”
Cami’seyeslookaboutreadytopopoutofherheadfromhowhardsheisstrainingthem.“Really?”
Lanalooksaway,herchestrisingandfallingwitheachdeepbreath.
“Yup.”
Cami’sgrinwidensevenmore.“Didyoulikeher?”
“Itwasimpossiblenotto.Everypersonwhometherlovedher.”Imeaneveryword.Se?oraCastillohadthisenergyaboutherthatmadeeveryonewanttostickaround.Shelovedtocook,clean,andtellstorieswhiledoingboth,whichwasawelcomedchangecomparedtothenanniesIspenttimearoundgrowingup.
It’soneofthereasonsIlovedvisitingforthesummers,althoughmybrothersdidn’tsharethesamefeelings.
“Doyoumissher?”
Cami’squestionmakesmychestpinchwithuncomfortabletightness.
“Yes,Ido.IwishIcouldhavesaidgoodbye.”
Lana’shandsgraspingontoCami’sshoulderstighten.
“Wherewereyou?”Cami’sbrowspulltogether.
Lanashakesherhead.“Porfavor,nomáspreguntas.Mehashechosuficienteporhoy.”
“But—”
“Whydon’tyougosetthetablewhileItalktoCal?”
“Okay!”Camibarrelstowardthesmallkitchentablewepushedintoacornertoallowformorespaceforallthetoys.
“Ifyouwanttohavedinnerwithus,youcan.”Shebrushessomeflouroffherapron.
“Idon’twanttoimpose.”You’resucharottenliar.
MystomachbetraysmeasitgrowlsloudenoughforLanatohearit.Shecracksasmallsmile.It’sthefirstoneI’veseendirectedtowardmeindays,andIsoakituplikeaplantdeprivedofsunshine.
“JustgotakeaseatatthetablewhileIgetthearepas.”
“Arepas?”
“Ychorizo.”
Mymouthwaters.“Chorizo?Doyouneedanyhelp?”
“I’vebeencookingfoodforyearswithoutanyhelp,soIthinkIcanmanagejustfineonmyown,butthanks.”
“Itwouldn’thurttomakeamanfeelusefuleverynowandthen.”
Shebatsherlashes.“Wouldyoulikemetofindalightbulbthatneedschanging?”
Igiveheralittleshoveontheshoulder,andshecurlsoverlaughing.ThesoundfeelsasifIjustinjectedpureserotoninintomyveins.
Thetimerontheovenbeeps,stealingLanaandthatrushofhappinesswithher
ItakeaseatnexttoCamiandgivehermyattentionwhileignoringthepullIhavetowardthewomanworkingaroundthekitchen.
Lanaplacesmyplateinfrontofme.Beforeshehasachancetomoveback,Iclaspontoherhandandgiveitalightsqueeze.“Thankyou.I’msohappyyouinvitedme.”
Lana’scheeks,alreadypinkfromexertion,turnred.“You’rewelcome.”
Ibrushmythumboverherskin.“Imissedyourfood.”Imissedahellofalotmorethanherfood,butitfeelslikeasafewaytoexpressmyself.ShesqueezesmyhandbackinsilentacknowledgmentbeforeIreleaseher.
WhileLanagrabsajuiceboxfromthefridge,Camileansoverthetabletowhisperinmyear.
“Youlikemymommy.”
Myeyesstretchtotheirlimits.
“Icankeepasecret.”Camizipsherlipsandthrowsaninvisiblekeyoverhershoulder.
Damn,thekidissmart.EitherthatormyinterestinLanaissopatheticallyobviousthatevenafive-year-oldchildnotices.
Probablyacombinationofboth.
Thearomaofarepasticklesmynoseandmakesmymouthwater.Camidigsin,takingbitesinbetweentellingusabouthowshewentswimmingatthecommunitypooltodaywithhersummercamp.BetweenherstorytellingandLana’squestions,theentiremealisfilledwithlaughter,fakegasps,andLanagoadingCamiwithsillyquestionsmeanttostirupcontroversy.
Ilovehowthereisn’tasinglemomentofsilence.
Idon’trememberthelasttimeIfeltthiscontentwhiledoingsomethingsosimple.Sure,I’vehaddinnerwithmyfamily,butsomethingaboutbeingsurroundedbytwocouplesonlyamplifiedtheemptyfeelinginmychest.Tonight,though,thatsensationislonggone.
TherewasapointinmylifethatIthoughtitwouldn’tbepossibletofeelthiscomplete.Buttonight,Icansenseit.
Forthefirsttimeinalongtime,Ibegintohope.Tobelievethatthereismoreformeinthislifethanchroniclonelinessandadesperationtofitinsomewhere.ThatIcanbesoberandhappy,solongasIputintheeffort.
OrsoIwish.
ThehumofthedishwashingmachinefillsthesilenceasIscrubthecounterwithadisinfectantwipe.
LanacomesoutofCami’sbedroomandshutsthedoorsoftlybehindher.Shehasbeenatthebedtimeroutineforanhouralready,withCamiaskingfortenmoreminutesofherbath,oneextrabedtimestory,andaspecialrequestforLanatosingheralullabybeforebed.Itriednottoeavesdropmuch,butitwashardgivenhowsmallthehouseis.
Shelooksoveratmewithastrangeexpression.“Youdidthedishes.”
“It’stheleastIcandoafteryoumadedinner.”
Herheadtilts.“Imighthavetoinviteyoutoeatwithuseverysinglenightifitmeansyoudoingthedishes.”
“Deal,”Isaytoofast,myvoicereekingofdesperation.
Shebitesdownonherbottomlip,rollingitbetweenherfrontteethbeforespeakingup.“Itwasnice.”
Myheartthudsharderagainstmychest.“Whatwas?”
“Havingyoueatwithus.Itfeltlike…”Hervoicedriftsoff.
Irefusetolethergetawaywithnotexplaining.“What?”Ipress.
“Itfeltlikeyoufitinwithus.”Shelooksdownatherbarefeetasshetucksapieceofhairbehindherear.
Iswallowpastthelumpinmythroat.AsmuchasIwanttovocalizemyagreement,I’mafraidwhatmighthappenifIdo.
Shewouldn’thavebroughtitupifshewasworriedaboutwhatyoumightsay.
“Foramomentduringdinner,IwishedIdid.”
Herbrowspulltogether.“What?”
Ishrug,attemptingtolooklikeIdon’tcarebutprobablyfailingmiserablybasedonhowtensemyshouldersare.“IlikespendingtimewithyouandCami.SheremindsmealotofmyselfwhenIwasherage.”
Aghostofasmilecrossesherlips.“Formyownmentalhealthandsanity,I’mgoingtopretendyoudidn’tsaythat.”
“Iwasn’tthatbad.”
“Bytenyearsold,youalreadyhadthreebrokenbones,oneconcussion,andaninabilitytositstillforlongerthantenminutes.”
“Thatdoesn’tmeanshewill.”
“Isurehopenot.Myinsuranceco-payisalreadythroughtheroof.”Shethrowsherhandsintheair.
Ienduplaughing,whichonlymakesherlipspurse.
“I’mserious!”
“You’reabouttobeamillionaireoncewesellthehouse.I’msureyoucancoveracoupleofbrokenbonesafterthat.”
“Right.”Herelationdies,killedalongwiththesmallsmiletakingformonherface.
“Don’ttellmeyou’resecond-guessingeverything.Ithoughtwehadanagreementwithoneanother.”
Herfrowndeepens.“No.”
“Thenwhat’swrong?”
“Nothing.I’mgoingtobed.”Sheturnstowardthehall.
“Whyareyouleaving?”Ifollowafterher.
“I’mtired.”Shewalkstoherbedroom,whichisrightacrossfrommine.
WhenLanagoestoreachfortheknob,Istopherbygrabbingherhandandturninghertowardme.
“WhatdidIsay?”
Shetakesadeepbreath,makinghershouldersriseandfall.“It’snotwhatyousaidexactly,butwhatitremindedmeofthatbotheredme.”
Myhandholdingontoherstightens.“What?”
Sheliftsherotherhandintheairandrotatesherfinger.“Thatallthishasanexpirationdate.”
Mybrowsscrunchtogether.“Isn’tthatwhatyouwanted?”
Herfacecontorts,confusionetchingitselfintoeverywrinkleofherforehead.“Idon’tknowwhatIwantandmaybethat’smyproblem.”Shereleasesaheavybreath.“Ijustforgotwhatitfeltliketo—”Hersentencediesasshepressesherlipstogether.
“Forgotwhatitfeltliketowhat?”
Shedropshergaze.“Notfeelsodamnlonelyforonce.”
Thepressureinmychestbuilds.“Lana—”
“ItsoundedevenmorepatheticwhenIsaiditaloud.JustpretendIdidn’tsayanything.”ShetugsherhandfreeandslipsinsideherroombeforeIcanaskheranythingelse.
Igotomyroomandclimbintobed.Merlinjumpsupontothemattressandcuddlesatthefootofthebed,fillingthesilencewithhissteadypurr.
IconsiderwhatLanasaidabouthernotknowingwhatshewanted.Ofhowshedidn’tlikebeingremindedthateverythinghasanexpirationdate.
Ifshehadn’trushedofftoherroom,IwouldhavetoldherIfeelthesame.ThatIalsostrugglewithcripplinglonelinessandadesiretofillthechronicvoidinmychest.
IsworetomyselfthatIwouldonlybehereuntilIsoldthehouse.Thattherewasnopointtostickingaroundlongerthanthat,especiallywhenIwasn’twantedhere.
Butwhatif…
No.Thereisnopossiblewayshewouldgivemeachance.
Right?
DuringallmyhypotheticalsituationsaboutreturningbacktoLakeWisteria,Ididn’tevenconsiderthepossibilityofLanabeinginterestedinme.Wouldn’tevenentertainitbecauseIcouldn’tgetmyhopesup.
Butwhatifsheisopentoustryingsomethingnewtogether?Somethingthatisn’tweigheddownbydrugsordepressionorbaddecisionsmadeoutofdesperationtofeelsomethingotherthanpain?
Icouldhelplessenthelonelinessbothofussufferfrom.Itwouldbeeasytobecomehercompanion.Friend.Lover.
Mymindtakesoff,aplanformingasImullthroughallourinteractionsupuntilthispoint.IfLanaisconfused,it’stimeIclarifiedafewthings—startingwithmyfeelingstowardher.Imightnothaveananswerforeverything,butIdoknowonething.
LanaistheonlywomanIeverloved,andit’stimeIstartedactinglikeit.SecondtoChristmas,theStrawberryFestivalismyfavoritetimeoftheyearatLakeWisteria.Everyoneintowngoesallouttomakeitthebesteventtocelebratetheseason.PeoplefromallovercometovisittheparknearTownSquareandenjoythecarnivalrides,pageants,andamazingfoodinspiredbythefruitoftheseason.
Camiyanksonmyarm.“Mommy!Look!”
IturntowhereCamipoints.“What?”
“It’sCow-l!”Shejumpsuponhertippytoestogetabetterlook,makingherstrawberryprintdressflaparoundher.
“Calisn’there.”AtleastIdon’tthinkheis,sincehenevermentionedcomingduringthelastfewmealswesharedtogether.
“It’shim!”Shepointstowardtheentranceofthefestival.
Atfirst,IthinkCamimustbeimaginingthings.Butthenthepersonwearingastrawberrycostumeturnsandlooksatuswithwideeyes.
Oh.My.God.
Nofreakingway.
Fromthegreenleafyheadpieceandoversizedwhiteglovestotheredstrawberry-shapedbodypieceandgreenpants,Callookslikesomethingoutofacartoon
Iburstoutlaughing.MyholdonCami’shandslips,andshetakesofftowardhim.
Usually,thecostumeisreservedforanangstyteeninneedofapunishmentfromtheirparentsoranadultwholostabet.I’mnotsurehowCalendedupwearingit,butIhavetopersonallythankwhoeverconvincedhimtoputiton.
Ipulloutmyphoneandsnapaphotoofhim.CalgrabsCamiandthrowsherintheair,turningmyalready-softeningheartintoabsolutegooasshebreaksintoafitofgiggles.
Somuchfortryingtoavoidthewarmfuzziesaroundhim.
IwipeastraytearthatfellasIwalkovertothem.“Howmuchdidtheypayyoutowearthat?”
HeplacesCamionherfeet.“Sadly,Ivolunteered.”
“Why?”
Abreezepushesaleafintohiseyes.“Iwasbored.”
“Andtheysetyouupwiththis?”Iflickoneoftheleavesfallingoverhiseyes.
“Iguesstheywantedtomakeanassoutofme.Surprise,surprise.”
Camisucksinabreath.
Helooksdownather.“Remindmelater,okay?”
Shetriestowink,onlytoendupblinkingeacheyeoneatatime.
JustanotherthingshepickeduponfromCal.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask.
“MegwastheonewhosuggestedIgotoTownHalltovolunteerforthefestival.”
Myeyesbulge.“Oh,no.”
“Yup.AndsinceIhavetoprotectmypride,hereIam.”
“I’msurprisedyouhaveanyleftafterwearingthat.”
Hisleafheadbandbobswithhisshrug.“WhatcanIsay?Vodkamakesmeconfident.”
Mysmileslips.
Hiseyesscrewshut.“Wait,Lana.Ididn’tmean—”
Mychestpinches.“It’sfine.Igethowitis.”
“No,youdon’t.”Hereachesouttoclutchmyarm,althoughtheoversizedglovesdon’tallowformuchofagrip.
Ipullaway.“Weshouldgetgoing.Gotplacestogoandpeopletomeetandwhatnot.”
Hehuffs.“Justletmeexplainmyselffirst.”
“Don’tbother.It’snotlikeitwouldchangeanything.”ItakeCami’shandandwalkawaybeforeIlethimdojustthat.
CamiandherfriendslaughastheyjumparoundthebouncehousewhileIsitatanearbypicnictablewithmyfriends.
VioletzoomsinonthephotoofCaldressedinthehorrendouscostume.“Whydidn’tyouwarnusaboutthis,Lana?IalmostpeedmypantswhenIsawhimoutfront.”
“Ihadnoidea.”Isigh.
Herbrowsrise.“Hedidn’tsayanythingtoyou?”
“Nope.”Ilookaway,focusingonthecrowdofpeoplemakingtheirwaythroughtherowsofvendorssellingstrawberryjams,desserts,anddeep-friedfood.
“Whywouldheagreetowearthatinthefirstplace?”Delilahasks.
“Becauseheistoobuzzedtocareotherwise,”Igrumble.
“He’sdrinking?”Wyatt’sjawticks.
“Sohesays.”Ilookdownatmyclaspedhands.
“Letmegotalktohim.”Violetrisesfromthebench,onlytobedraggeddownbyDelilah.
“Justleaveit.”
“Why?”Violetfrowns.
Ispeakup.“BecauseDeeisright.It’snotlikeheisbotheringanyone,sothereisnoreasontomakeashow.”
Violetlooksatsomethingovermyshoulder.“Really?Thenwhyishewalkingoverhererightnow?”
Myeyeswiden.“Hefoundus?”
“Yup.”Deeslurpsonherstrawberrysmoothie.
Mylipspurse.“How?”
“Probablybecausethisisalwayswherewehangouteveryyear.”Violetknocksbacktherestofherdrink.
“Hey.”Cal’svoicemakesthehairsonthebackofmyneckrise.
VioletandDelilahshootdaggersovermyheadwhileIremainfrozenwithmyfistsclenchedinfrontofme.Wyattistheonlypersontoacknowledgehispresencewithasmalltipofhischin.
“Lana,canItalktoyouforasecond?”Cal’ssoftvoicemakesmefrown.
“She’sabitbusyrightnow.”Violetscowls.
“Ithinkshecantalkforherself,”Calreplieswithalighttone.
Irisefrommyseat.“WillyouwatchCamiforme?”
“Sure.I’llgoletherknownow.”Wyatttakesofftowardthebouncehouse.
IturntofindCalnolongerdressedinthestrawberrycostume.I’munsureifheburnedthemonstrosityorreturnedittoTownHall.
“Thanks.”Heleadsusawayfromtheloudmusictowardthewalkwaysurroundingthepark.AfewpeopleIknowspareusapinchedlook,butIwaveawaytheirconcernwithasmallsmile.
“So…”Ikickarock.
“Mindifwewalkandtalk?”
“Okay.”
Calleavesspacebetweenusashewalksbesideme.“Iwantedtotalkaboutwhathappenedearlierandgetsomethingoffmychest.”
“Whatfor?”
“It’snotwhatyouthink.”
“Exceptisn’tit?I’veseenthebottleofvodkayoukeepinthefreezer,soit’snotlikeIdidn’tknowyouweredrinking.”Daybyday,moreoftheclearliquiddisappears,soI’mwellawareofhishabits.
Hetearshiseyesawayfromme.“I’mnotproudofit,youknow?”
Mystomachdrops.
“ItmakesmefeellikeaweakpieceofshitknowingIneedtocarryaflaskonmeatalltimes,justincaseIgetanxiousorwired.Justthethoughtofgoingsomewherewithoutitmakesmefeelallpanicky,especiallywhenImightbeforcedintoasituationthatmakesmeuncomfortable.”Hetuckshisclenchedhandsbehindhisback.
Mymouthopens,butIstruggletoformanywords.
“Ihaven’tgottendrunksinceIbrokeyourmom’svase.”Helooksatmeoutofthecornerofhiseye.
“So?You’restilldrinkingdaily.”
“Takingsipsthroughoutthedaytocopeisn’tthesameasgettingshit-faced.Trustmeonthatone.”
“Butthey’rebothpartofthesameissueregardless.”
“True.Butcan’tyouseeI’mtryingtocutbackhere?”Hisvoicecracks.
Myheadshakes.“Yes,butwhoknowswhatwillhappenthenexttimesomethingdifficulthappens?I’vealreadybeenthroughthiswithyoubefore.”
“Thisisn’tlikethelasttime.”
“Ofcourse,itisn’t.”Abitterlaughcrawlsupmythroat.
Hestopswalkingtolookmeintheeyes.“Forstarters,I’mnotonOxyanymore.”
Ibreakeyecontactfirst.“Iknow.”
“I’mnotgoingtomakethatmistakeagain.ThatmuchIcanpromise.”Hisdeepsighmakesmetense.“Ittookmealongtimetoletgo.Toolong.ButIswearIwillneverevergobacktothatshitorelseIgiveyoupermissiontoshootme.”
Mylipstwitch.“AnywhereIwant?”
“Ifyouwanttoaimforthedick,makesuretolandabulletinmyskullfirst.”Hesmiles.
Ibeginwalkingagaintoescapethetingleinmychest.“Doyoueverthinkaboutgettingsober?”
“Lately,allthedamntime.”
Iwanttobelievehim.Ireallydo,butsomethingstillholdsmeback.
Youdon’ttrusthim.
No,Idon’t.AndI’munsureifIeverwillaftereverythingwehavebeenthroughtogether.I’vebeenthroughenoughlifelessonstolearnthatthemoresomeoneletsyoudown,thehigherprobabilitythereisofithappeningagain.
Iclearmythroat.“I’mproudofyouforgettingoffOxy.Iknowthatmusthavebeenhard.”
“NotnearlyashardascomingtogripswithhowbadlyIhurtyouwhileonit.”Hereachesformyhandandgivesitasqueeze.
Mychestacheswhenheletsgo.Calcontinueswalking,soIfallinstepwithhimascomfortablesilencesurroundsus
Calisthefirstonetobreakitwhensomeoneglaresinhisdirection.“DoyouthinkpeoplewillhatemealittlelessnowthatI’mgoingtobefeaturedonthefrontpageofthepaperwearingthatcostume?”
Ibitebackmylaugh.“Nope,butitwasagoodtry.”
“Itmustbenicetohavesomanypeoplewhocareenoughaboutyoutogivemenonstophell.”Hislipstwitch.
“Youcouldsaythat.Althoughthey’reabitoverprotectiveattimes.”
“Onlybecausetheyloveyou.”Hisvoicematchesthewarmthinhiseyes.
Ilookaway.“Youknow,Icanspreadthewordthatyou’renolongerapersonanongrata.”
“Pleasedon’tgooutofyourwaytobesonicetome.Imightreadtoomuchintoit.”
Inudgehimintheribswithmyelbow.“Jerk.”
Helaughs.“I’llgetthemtowarmuptomeeventually.”
“Howso?”
“ByprovingIwon’thurtyou,nomatterhowmuchtheyexpectmeto.”
Andjustlikethat,Calsnatchesanotherpieceofmyhearttoaddtohisgrowingcollection.ThesmellsandgigglescomingfromthekitchenwakemeupfarearlierthanI’dlike.Merlinseemstoagreewiththewayhedartsunderneaththebedatthesoundofapotclanging,leavingmealone.
Istumbleoutofmyroomwhilerubbingmyeyes.“Hey.”
“Morning!”Camihopsoffherstooltocomegivemylegsahug.Herpolkadotaproniscoveredinthesamestickyredsubstanceasherfingers,leavinganicesmearonmysweatpants.Red,white,andbluestarclipsholdbackherwildhairfromherface.
“What’sgoingon?”Icovermymouthtoyawn.
“MommyisgoingtobeatMissy’sbutt.”Camiholdsoutherfistformetopound.
LanashootsCamiaglarefromoverhershoulder.“Camila.”
Thekidshrugs.“WhatdidIsay?”
“Itoldyounottorepeatthattoanyone.”
“Oopsydaisy.”Camipokeshertongueoutofthegapbetweenherteeth.
“Who’sMissy?”Iask.
Lanareturnsherattentiontothestovetop.“Mycompetition.”
“Boo!”Camimakesabigshowofturningdownherthumbs.
Ichokeonalaugh.“Competitionforwhat?”
“TheFourthofJulybake-off,”Camianswersforherwhilestealingastrawberryfromalargebowl.“Areyoucoming?”
Shit.Icompletelyforgotthebake-offwasstillathing.It’sbeenalongtimesinceIcelebratedFourthofJulytheLakeWisteriaway,withthetowngatheringatthelakesideparkforabarbequeandfireworkshow.
Irunahandthroughmymessyhair.“Idon’tthinkso.”IfIlearnedanythingfromlastweek’sStrawberryFestival,it’sthatspendingtimearoundthetownonlyamplifiesmyanxiety.So,theonlywayIcanlimitmyalcoholintakeandkeepLanahappyisifIavoidstressors.
“Oh.”Cami’sshouldersdrop.
Sorry,kiddo.Thisisforthebest.
IwalktothestoveandpeekoverLana’sshoulder.“Whatareyoumaking?”
Shedropsasingledotofredfoodcoloringintothepotofstrawberries.“SomethingthatisgoingtomakeMissyregreteverthinkingshecouldcopymystrawberrytreslechescakerecipeandgetawaywithit.”
Mymouthdropsopen.Damn,competitiveLanaishotashell.
“Doyouneedanyhelp?”Ituckastrandofherhairbehindherear,makingsuretodragmyfingersoverthecurvedslopeofherneckbeforeretreating.
Herstirringpausesasherbreathhitches.“Thanksfortheoffer,butI’malmostdone.”
“Howlonghaveyoubeenatthis?”Ifillaglasswithwaterandtakeasip.
“Fivea.m.”
“Seriously?You’regoingtofallasleepbeforeyouevermakeittothebake-off.”
Sheshootsmeapointedlook.“IcansleepwhenI’mdead.”
“Wouldyouliketobeburiedwithyourtrophy?”
Shegrins.“Absolutely.ThatandwhatevertissueMissyusestowipehertearsaftersheloses.”
“Thissideofyouishotyetsomewhatterrifying.”
Hersmileisallteeth.
AlthoughLanasaidshedidn’tneedmyassistance,Idecidetohelpwiththeoverwhelmingnumberofdishespouringoutofthesink.
CamikeepstheconversationgoingwhilestealingstrawberrieswhenevershethinksLanaisn’tlooking.Theredfruitjuicearoundhermouthisadeadgiveaway,soIcleanherupwhilehermotherhasherbackturned.
Thedoorbellringinghasthethreeofuslookingup.
“Wehaveadoorbell?”Lanapauseshermixer.
“That’sthefirsttimeI’veheardit.Areyouexpectingsomeone?”Iask.
Sheshakesherhead.“No.Areyou?”
“Amajorityofthetownhatesme,soI’mgoingtogowithano.”
Lanalooksdownatherhalf-mixedwhippedcream.“Doyoumindcheckingwhoitis?”
“Igotit!”Camihopsoffherstool.
“Camila!”Lanaroundsthecorner,butI’mcloser.
Camirisesonthetipsofhertoestoreachthedeadbolt,onlytobesweptintomyarms.
“Idon’tthinkthat’ssuchagoodidea.”
Camipouts.
Itakeapeekthroughthepeephole.Lana’ssister,Antonella,pacesafewfeetaway.Hertanskinlookspalerthanusual,andherthinhairhangslimplyaroundherface,accentuatingasharpbonestructurethatcanonlybeachievedbymalnutrition.
“Shit.”
Camisucksinabreath.
Iputherdown.“Mywalletisonmynightstand.Ifyoucountallmybillscorrectly,I’llletyoukeepthemall.”
Hereyeswiden.“Really?”
“Yup.ButyouhavetostayinmyroomuntilIcomeandgetyou.”
“Okay!”Camisquealsasshetakesoffformybedroom.
Lanaabandonsherwhippingcream.“What’swrong?”
“Yoursisterisoutside.”
Lana’smouthdropsopen.“Antonellaishere?”Herfacepales.“OhmyGod.”
“Youdidn’tknowshewascoming.”
Herheadshakes.“No.IthoughtImademyselfclearduringourlastphonecall.”
“Doyouwantmetoseewhatshewants?”
Herhardenedgazelingersonthedoor.“Ialreadyknowwhatshecameherefor.”
Mybrowstugtogether.“But—”
Hershouldersslump.“Letmegotalktoher.”
Istepinherway.“Lana.”
Shedoesn’tlookupatme,soItipherheadback.
“Doyouwanttospeakwithher?”
Herheadshakeseversoslightly.“Notreallyaftershe…”
“Aftershewhat?”
“TookthelastbitofinheritancemoneyIhad.”
Fuck.“Shestolefromyou?”
Hereyesdrop.“Yes.”
“Isthatwhyshe’sback?Togetmoremoney?”
“Probably.”
“Doyouwantmetogivehersome?”
Herteethsinkintoherbottomlipassheshakesherheadagain.
“Whatdoyouwanttodothen?”
“Idon’tknow.Afterthewayshetalkedtomeonthephone…Ihateseeingherthatway.Ihateitsodamnmuch,knowingsheisstrugglingandthereisnothingIcandotomakeitbetter.”Hervoicecracks.
MyheartfeelslikeLanawrappedherfistarounditandsqueezed.“You’vedoneeverythingpossibletohelpher.”
“Thenwhyisn’titenoughtohelpherstayclean?I’vedoneeverything.Paying,praying,pleading,yetshealwaysgoesback.”Thereisasheentohereyesthatwasn’tpresentbefore.
“Ithasnothingtodowithyou.”Iwrapmyarmsaroundher.
Sheplacesherheadagainstmychestwithasniffle.“I’msofreakingtiredofpeoplehurtingme.”
Thetightnessinmychestbecomesunbearable.“I’msorry.”Forme.ForAnto.Andforeveryonewhohascausedherpaininthefirstplace.
Thedoorbellringsagain,followedbyhardpounding.Lanaflinchesagainstme.
Ikissthetopofherhead.“Letmegotalktoher.”
“But—”
“Justallowmetodothisforyou.”
ShesighsasIreleasemyholdaroundherbody.
“Stayinside.”Ireachforthedoorknob.
“Cal?”
Iglanceatherfromovermyshoulder.
Shetwiststhefabricofherapron.“Thankyou.”
“I’ddoanythingforyou.”
Herbottomlipwobbles.“Iknow.”
Itipmyheadbeforewalkingoutside.Antonellatugsatthesleevesofherlong-sleeveshirtasifitcanhidethetrackmarksspeckledacrossherskin.Shelooksthinnerthanever,withherbonesjuttingoutfromunderneathhershirtandherbrowneyesnearlybuglingfromtheirsockets.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”shesnaps.
“Antonella.It’sbeenawhile.”
Shesneers.“Don’ttellmemylittlesistertookyouback.”
“That’snoneofyourbusiness.”
“Likehellitisn’t.”Shetriestowalkaroundme,butIblockherpath.
“Getoutofmyway.”Shespeaksthroughclenchedteeth.
“No.”
“IneedtospeakwithAlana.”
Igivemyheadahardshake.“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.”
“Becauseyousaidso?”Herfrowndeepens.
“Becauseyou’restrungout.”
StaringintoherbeadyeyesfeelslikeI’vebeenthrownbackintothepast.IfanyoneunderstandsAntonella’sdesperationforhernextfix,it’sme.Goingthroughmyownshitmademeawareofthedarknessandself-loathingthatfesterrightbelowthesurface,waitingtobeunleashed.
“Likeyou’reonetojudge.LanatoldmeallaboutyourissuewithOxy.Itnearlybrokemysisterwhensherealizedthemanshelovedletherdownjustlikeeveryoneelse.”
Herblowlandsitsintendedmarkrightovermyheart.
You’renotthatguyanymore.
IswitchtacticsbeforeIlosemycool.“Icangetyouthehelpyouneed.”
Thereisacertainsparkinhereyes.“Likemoney?”
“Likerehab,therapy,andwhateveryouneedtohaveacleanstart.”Ituckmyhandsintothepocketsofmysweats.
Herheadshakes.“Ijustwantedaplacetostayandsomemoneytogetbackonmyfeet.”
“IcanheadovertothemotelandbookyouaroomorIcanflyyououttoafacilityandcoverthecost,butI’mnotgoingtogiveyoucash.”DoingsowouldonlyenableheraddictionandhurtLanaevenmore,neitherofwhichIfindacceptable.
Herheadshakes,makingherthinhairfly.“Idon’twanttogotoafacilityagain.”
Icheckoutthemarksacrossherarms.“That’stheonlywayyou’llbeabletomanagethat.”
Shepullsathersleevesagain.
Itryonelasttime.“Ifyoudecidedifferently,allyouneedtodoisgivemeacallandIcantakeyousomewherewheretheycanhelpyougetbetter.Ihaven’tchangedmynumber.”
Herheadshakes.“I’mnotready.”
“Iunderstand.”FarmorethanI’mcomfortableacknowledging.AsmuchasIhatetoadmitit,IgetAntonellaandherdecisionsinawayLananevercan.Havinganaddictionisn’teasytoaccept,letalonetreat.
“Ifyouunderstoodme,thenyou’dhelpme.”Herpitchrises,remindingmesomuchofLanawhenshegetsupset.
“Iamofferingtohelp.Justnotinthewayyouwant.”
Hergazehardens.“Fuckyou,Cal.”
Mylipspresstogether.
Sheripsathercuticle,makingtheskinbleed.“Justletmeseemysister.I…Shit.”Herheadhangs.“ThelasttimeIwashere,Ididsomescrewed-upthingsandIwanttoapologize.”
“Notlikethis,Antonella.Youofallpeopleshouldknowhowmuchithurtshertoseeyouthisway.”
Shelooksaway.“Fine.”
“Doyouwantmetobookyouaroomatthemotel?”
“Hellno.I’mgoingtocrashonafriend’scouchwholivesafewtownsover.”Herhairfliesfromhowhardsheshakesherhead.
“Ifthat’swhatyouwant.JustknowthatImeantwhatIsaid.Ifyouneedhelp,allyouneedtodoiscallme.Butifyoucomebackhereagainwithoutbeingclean,I’llmakesureyouneverseeyoursisteragain.”
Sheturnstowardherrundowncarpackedtotheroofwithboxesandpersonalbelongings.It’ssadtoseethemessherlifehasbecome.
IwishIcouldhelpher,butIneedtoprotectLanafirstandforemost.
IcheckonCamibeforeknockingmyfistagainstthelockedbathroomdoor.“Lana?”
“Isshegone?”
“Yeah.Iwaiteduntilhercardroveoffbeforecomingbackinside.”
“Thankyou.”Hersniffleissoftbutaudible,makingmymusclestighten.
Myhandchokesthedoorknob.“Openupforme.”
“I’drathernot.”
“Please.”
Herheavysighisfollowedbytheflickofthelock.IopenthedoortofindLanasittingonthefloorwithherarmswrappedaroundherlegs.
“Hey.”Ikneelbesideherandpullherintomyarms.“It’sgoingtobeokay.”
“IthoughtIwouldbeusedtothisbynow.”Herfingerswraparoundthecottonfabricofmyshirt.
“Usedtowhat?”
“Thedisappointment.”Herchintrembles.
“I’msorry.”Thewordsleavemymouthinarush.
Sheshiftshergazetothefloor.“It’snotyourfaultAntonellaisthewaysheis.”
“No,it’snot.ButI’msorryforbeinganotherpersonwholetyoudownbecauseIwastooselfishtodoanythingelse.”
Someofthetensionbleedsfromhermusclesasshereleasesaheavysigh.
“Seeingyoursister…shit.Iunderstandherandwheresheiscomingfrom,butIalsowanttoshakeherforhurtingyouandCamilikeshehas.”
Hernailsdigintomyskin.“DoesbeinggratefulthatshegaveCamiupmakemeabadperson?”
“No,Lana.Itmakesyouhuman.”Myarmsaroundhertighten.“Antonellaisinnopositiontolookafterachild.Andyou…Youwereborntobethatlittlegirl’smother.”
Shelooksupatmewithtear-soakedlashesandglassyeyes.“Youthinkso?”
“I’veneverbeenmorecertainofanything.”Fixahouse,Irissaid.
It’llbefun,shesaid.
Whataloadofbullshit.
Withtheasbestosteamhardatworkonthemainhouse,LanaandIareforcedtomakesometoughdecisionsabouttheremodel.
Shepushesasidethefifthcabinetsample.Itslidesacrossthecoffeetable,straightintotheothersamplessherejected.“No.”
“Whatdoyoumeanno?”Myrighteyetwitches.
LanaandIhavebeenatthissinceshedroppedCamioffathersummercamptwohoursago,andwehaven’tmademuchprogress.Theonlythingwehaveagreeduponisthenewshapeofthepool.
Atthisrate,it’sgoingtotakeusthreeyearstopickouteverythingthatneedstogointothehouse.Asitis,Ryderisalreadypressuringmeaboutorderingthesuppliesifwewanttomakeourdeadline.
Thereisnowant.IneedthepropertytobelistedbytheendofAugustifIplanonmeetingmygrandfather’sdeadline.
“Itlookscheap.”Herforeheadcreases.
“Howisthatevenpossible?Eachcabinetcostsoverathousanddollars.”
Hereyeswiden.“Foronecabinet?Butweneedlike…”
“JustignorewhatIsaid.”ThelastthingIwanttodotodayisargueaboutmoneytoo.
Shestaresatthecabinetalittlelonger.“Nope.Stillhateit,heftypricetagandall.”
“Whatdoyoulike?”
“Idon’tknow.”Shemakesthecutestexasperatedsighasshelooksuptotheceiling.
Maybeourissueisn’tthattheoptionsarebad,butratherLanadoesn’tknowwhatshewants.
“Letmegrabmylaptop.IthinkIhaveanidea.”
IreturntothelivingroomwithmylaptopopenandPinterestalreadypulledup.InsteadofsittingacrossfromLana,Itakeaseatnexttoherandplacethelaptopovermythighssoshecanseethescreen.
Theheatcomingoffherbodyseepsthroughmyskin.I’mtemptedtobrushmyarmagainsthersandberewardedwithagasp,butIholdback.
Businessfirst.
Herbrowarches.“Pinterest?Really?”
“Irisswearsbyitafterplanningmostofherweddingandhoneymoonwithit.”
Shelaughs.“Ofcourse.IwishIthoughtofitfirst.Iliketopinnewideasforteaching,butIdidn’tthinkaboutitforthehouse.”
“Lookatmebeingusefulforonce.”Mylaughcomesouthalf-hearted.
Shenudgesmewithherthigh.“Youcanbeuseful.”
“How?BecauseIopenedajarofspaghettisauceforyoulastnight?”
“Thelidwasstuckprettytight.I’mnotsureIwouldhavegottenitoffwithoutyou.”
Irollmyeyes.“I’mgladmylife’spurposehasbeennarroweddowntodomestictasksandarmmuscle.”
“Well,youdidalwaysjokearoundaboutwantingtobeastay-at-homedad.Maybeit’syourcallingafterall.”
“Don’ttemptme.YouknowhowIfeelaboutcorporatelife.”
Herheadtilts.“Youknowthereareotherjobsouttherebesidesabasicnine-to-fivedeskjob.”
“I’maware.”Doesn’tmeanI’vefoundonethatworksforme.It’snotlikeIneedajob,butmybrothersmakeitseemlikethat’sthepointoflife.Oratleasttheydiduntiltheyfoundsomethingnicer.
Love.
“Haveyoudoneanythingsincehockey?”
Myshouldersturntostone.“DoessteppinginasDeclan’sassistantcount?”
Hermouthdropsopen.“YouwereDeclan’sassistant?”
“Don’tlooksosurprised.”Iflickhernose,earningabreathychucklethatmakesmyheartpatheticallyswell.
“I’msurprisedyoulivedtotellthetale.”
“Hewasn’tthatbad.Iriswastheonewhohadtoputupwithhimforthreeyears.”
Herlipspart.“Irisworkedforhim?”
“Yup.”
“Andshestillfellinlovewithhim?Wow.”
Wowisright.Ifitweren’tformygrandfather’swillandhismarriage-of-convenienceclause,I’mnotsurethetwoofthemwouldhaveevergottentogetherinthefirstplace.
“DeclanisluckybecauseIrisisonehellofawoman.”
Herfacesoftens.“Youreallycareabouther.”
“She’salwaysbeenthereformewhenIneededsomeone.”Ibreakeyecontactandfocusonmylaptopscreen.
Lanareachesoutandsqueezesmyhand.“Shesoundslikeagreatfriend.I’mgladyoufoundsomeonewhocouldbethatforyou.”
InodasIswallowthethicklumpinmythroat.“IloveherlikethesisterIneverhad,butshewasneveryou.WhatsheandIhadwasalwaysdifferent.”
“Younevertriedto…”Hervoicedriftsoffasthequestiondiesonthetipofhertongue.
“Wekissedonce,butthatwasall.”Iclaspherpalmandtuckitagainstmythigh.
“Ifyourfriendshipisanythinglikeours,thenI’mquestioningit.”Themusclesinherbackremainwoundtightdespitetheplayfulnessofherwords.
“Nothinghasevercomparedtous,andnothingeverwill.”Iliftherhandtomymouthandpressmylipsagainstthefadedscaronherknuckle.It’ssmallbutaconstantreminderofhergettinghurtafterIstupidlydaredhertoclimbachain-linkfence.
Shereleasesashakybreath.“Youneedtostoptalkinganddoingthingslikethat.”
“Why?”
“Becausethisisn’tthepast.”Sheattemptstotugherhandfreeofmygrasp,butmyholdistoostrong.
“Good,becauseI’dmuchratherfocusonourfuture.”Ipryherfingersapartbeforekissingthesoftfleshofherpalm,earningthesoftestinhalefromher.
“Wedon’thaveafuture.”
“Notyet,butgivemesometimetoproveyouwrong.”Apinkflushbloomsacrosshercheeks,soItraceitwiththepadofmythumb.“Idon’texpectyoutobelieveme,butI’mjustwarningyou.”
“Warningmeaboutwhat?”
“IwalkedawayfromyoubeforebecauseIthoughtIwasdoingtherightthing.Thatyouwerebetteroffwithoutme.Thatyouwouldbehappier.Idon’tplanonmakingthatsamemistakeagain,evenifyouexpectmeto.WhileImightmessup—hell,Icanpracticallyguaranteeit—I’mnotgoingtorunawayagain.I’llfightforusnomatterwhat.”Ireleaseherhand,althoughthereisnothingIwantmorethantoneverletgo.
TensionbetweenusgrowsasIrefocusonthelaptopscreeninfrontofus.Lanalosesherselfinherthoughtsforafewminutesbeforeresumingasifourconversationdidn’thappen.
Maybeit’sforthebest.Speakingaboutmyintentionsdoesn’tmatterwhenIhaveyearsofmistakesandmistrusttoovercome.
Butthatstartstoday.
LanaandIspendtherestoftheafternoonsearchingPinterestfordifferentideas.Shepointsouteverythingshelikes,andtogetherwequicklycreateafewdifferentboardsforeachoftheroomsinthehouse.Itdoesn’ttakeuslongtodetermineLanahatesfuturisticmodernideasalmostasmuchasIdislikemid-centurystyle.Together,wedecidethebestoptionistogowithatransitionalmodernstyle.
“IthinkI’minlove.”Lanasighstoherselfasshescrollsthroughtheboardwemadeforthebathroomonelasttime.
“IsharedthelinkswithRydersohecangettoworkfindingsomethingthatmatchesourvision.”
“I’mjealousofwhomevergetstobuytheplace.It’slikeeverythingIeverwantedallinonehouse.”
Mychestachesatthelookofpurelongingonherface.
“Youcanalwaysrecreateit.”
Shesnorts.“Withwhatmoney?Theonlyreasonwe’reevendoingthisisbecauseofyou.”
Ibitedownonmytonguetostopmyselffromsayinganything.
Withasigh,sheshutsmylaptop.“IbettergopickupCamifromsummercamp.”
“DoyoucareifIjoinyou?”
Herbrowsjump.“Youwanttocome?”
“Sure.It’snotlikeIhavemuchelsetodo.”Imotiontowardtheemptyhouse.
“Ineedtopassbythegrocerystoreonthewayhomethough.”
“Okay?”Isthatsupposedtodiscouragemeorsomething?
Hereyesflickeroverme.“You’reserious.”
IrollmyeyesasIstand.“Doyouwanttodrivemycaroryours?”
Hermouthpopsopen.
“What?”
Sheshakesherhead.“Nothing.Let’stakemine.”
“What’swrongwithmycar?”
“Besidesthefactthatitisn’tidealorprobablysafeforakid?”Shestandsastallasshecan,withthetopofherheadbarelyreachingmychin.
“Youdidn’thaveaproblemwithitwhenyouneededaridetotheschool.”
“BecauseIwasdesperateanddidn’twanttomissCami’sgraduation.”Herlipsthin.
“You’regoingtodrive?”
“Ofcourse.It’sthetwenty-firstcentury.Womencandrivemenaroundnow.”
Godhelpusall.
ShespendstheshortdrivetoCami’ssummercamplaughingattheexpletivesthatpouroutofmymouth.Whateversmallbitofrestraintsheshowedwhiledrivingmycarisgone.
AfewpeopleremovingtheleftoverFourthofJulydecorationsfromMainStreetwaveather,andshehonksbeforeturningthewheel.
Mygriponthesafetybarslipsasshemakesasharpleftturn.“Nowonderyourtireswerebalding.Youdrivelikeyou’rebeingchasedbythecops.”
Shelaughsherselfhoarse.I’mhopelessasIwatchincompletefascination,mychestswellingwithemotionatthesightofherhappiness.
ThiswasallIwantedforher.IjustneverthoughtIcouldbetheonetomakeithappenwithalltheotherstuffboggingmedown,gettinginthewayofourchanceatahappyending.
Buttheonlythinggettinginthewaywasme.Notmyaddiction.Notmycareer.
Me.
Becauseattheendoftheday,I’mtheonewhomakesthefinaldecisionsovermylife.
IchosewrongwhenIleftherthelasttime.Shewassupposedtobebetteroffwithoutme,butherobviouslonelinesshasprovedtheexactopposite.
Lanawassurviving—notthriving—andIhaveonlymyselftoblame.
AndIdon’tplanonmakingthesamemistakeagain.LanadrivesdownafewmoreblocksbeforepullingintotheparkinglotofCami’ssummercamp.Withthewayshenavigatesthestreets,I’msurprisedshehasn’tendedupinjuredorinfarworsecondition.
LanacomesoutofthebuildingwithCamiskippingbehindher.Cami’swholefacelightsupwhenshecatchesmesittinginside.
“Hi!”shesquealsasshedropsintothebackseat.
Iholdoutmyhandforhertoslap.“What’sup,kiddo?”
Myquestionturnsintoawholestoryaboutherday.Camispendstheshortdrivetothemarkettalkingaboutherafternoonattheswimmingpoolandmefollowingupwithquestions.
“Comeon.”CamibouncesoutofthecarbeforegrabbingontoLana’shand.Sheclutchesminewithherother,linkingthethreeofustogether.
IliftherarmupandnudgeLanatodothesame.Shecopiesme,causingCamitoswingbetweenus.Thegigglesheletsoutmakesmywholeheartthreatentoburstlikeaconfetticannon.Lana’seyesflickerfromCamitome.Whatevershefindsinmygazemakesherfacesoftenandherlipsturnupintoafractionofasmile.
“Again!Again!”Camitugsonourarmswithasurprisingamountofstrengthforsomeonesotiny.LanaandIoblige,earninganotherhigh-pitchedsquealfromCami.
I’mnotsurewhoishavingmorefun:Camiorus.Bythetimewemakeitinsidethegrocerystore,Cami’sfaceisredfromlaughingsohardandLanaisbeaming.
Damn.Ididthat.
I’mquicktoshakeofftheminorwinbeforepullingacartfreefromtherest
“No.Iwantthisone.”Camiclimbsinsidethespecialkidcart.Whilethefronthalfofthecartisnormal,thebackhalflookslikeakid’scar.Herheadtouchesthetopofthecar,andherlegslookcrampedinthesmallspace.
“Areyousure?Itlookslikeatightfit.”
SheturnsthewheellikesheisonaFormula1trackversusinagrocerystore
“Iseeyouinheritedyourmother’sdrivingskills.”
Lanaslapsmyass.“Hey.”
“Youdidnotjust…”
Hereyesshimmer.“ButIdid.”Ireachout,butsheescapesmygraspwithabreathylaugh.
Camislamsherhandonthehornforemphasis.Lanamovestograbthehandleofthecart,butIstepinbeforeshehasachance.
Iturnthecartslowly,beingmindfulnottojostleCami.“Thisthingisheavierthanitlooks.”
Lanapokesatmystrainingarms.“Don’ttellmethosemusclesarejustforshow.”
“There’safewwayswecantestthattheoryout.”Iwinkather.
Shewalksaheadofuswithherlist.I’mhypnotizedbytheswayofherhips,myskinturninghotwitheachstepshetakes.
“Go,go,go!”Camihonksherhornagaintogetmyattention.
ItakeoffafterLana,whoisalreadyspeakingtothebutcher.Hesmilesatherbeforeshootingmeascowl.I’mquicktosmileandwave,althoughmyrighteyetwitchesfromhowhardIfakethegrin.
Therestoftheshoppingtripgoessimilarly.AfewotherpeopleIrecognizefrommysummersheregivemearangeoflooks,varyingfromsurprisedtodownrightangryatmyexistence.Bynow,Ishouldbeusedtohowpeopletreatme,butI’mnot.It’shardknowingeveryonehadafront-rowseattothelowestmomentofmylife.
Youhavenoonetoblamebutyourself.
TheonlythingthatsavesmefromwalkingoutthedoorisCami.Itreateveryaislelikearacetrack,makingzippingandzoomingnoisesasIgainspeedandglide.Sheabsolutelylovesit.Betweenherclapping,chanting,andcheering,Icompletelyforgetabouteveryonearoundus.EvenLanacracksandendsuplaughingwhenIcreateadrivingobstaclecoursewithsomeofthedisplaysscatteredthroughoutthestore.
Maybesmalltownsaren’ttheworst.IcouldnevergetawaywiththiskindofthingatabusysupermarketinChicago.
Itisn’tuntilwegettothebakingsuppliesaislethatCamilosesinterestinmeandourgame.SheclimbsoutofthecartandabandonsmeforLana.
“Hey!”Icallout.
Camipokeshertongueoutthroughthegapofhermissingtoothbeforerunningoff.
Irollthecarttowardthetwoofthem.
“Whatflavordoyouwantforyourbirthdaycake?”Lanadropsabagofconfectioner’ssugarintothecart.
“Chocolate!”Camiclapsherhandstogether,makingherwonkypigtailsshake.
Lanagrabssomebaker’schocolatechipsanddumpstheminthecart.
“Whenisyourbirthday?”IaskCami.
Shegrins.“July15.”
TurnsoutlittleCamiisaCancerjustlikeme.
Nowonderyoubothgetalongsowell.
“That’sonSaturday.”
“Yup.”Shepointstoasetofbirthdaycandles.“Ilikethatone,Mommy!”
“Let’shopeIcangetdecorationsdeliveredbyFriday.”Lanathrowsthecandlesintothecart.
IcheckoutthelatestDreamlandprincessandlaugh.“YoulikePrincessMarianna?”
“Yes!She’smyfavorite.”Shespinsinacirclewhilepressingherclaspedhandsagainstherheart.
“Ilikehertoo.ShewasnicewhenImether.”Iwink.
Lana’seyeswidenandsheshakesherhead.
Shit.Wasthatthewrongthingtosay?
“YoumetPrincessMarianna?When?”Caminearlyripsmyarmoutofitssocketfromhowhardshetugs.
Ikneelinfrontofher.“WhenIwenttovisitmybrotheratDreamland.”
Lanashutshereyeswithasigh.
“YouwenttoDreamland?”Cami’svoicehitsthehighestpitchI’veeverheard.
Irubatmyeardrumtostopitfromringing.“Yes?”
Hereyesstretchsowide,I’mafraidtheymightpopout.“When?”
“Afewmonthsago.Mybrotherhasahousethere.”
“AtDreamland?”Hermouthdropsopen.
“Yes?”
Shegasps.Lanagroans.
“Canwego?”Shelooksupatmewiththebiggestblueeyes.“Please,Cow-l.Pretty,prettypleasecanwegotoDreamland?It’llbethebestestbirthdayever.”Thewayshelooksupatmewithhergap-toothedsmilemakesmeweakintheknees.
Yougotyourselfintothismessbyopeningyourbigmouth.Nowfixit.
“Youneedtoaskyourmom.”IthrowtheinvisiblestickofdynamiteintoLana’shands.
LanamouthsI’mgoingtokillyou.
AtleastI’llleavethisworldknowingIgaveafive-year-oldkidthebestestbirthdaypresent.
Camiturnstohermotherandlatchesontoherlegs.“Please,Mommy?Iwillpickupmytoysandeatallmyvegetablesforever.Iswears.”
Isnicker,earningadeathglarefromLana.
Shelooksupattheceilingandsighs.“Iguesswe’regoingtoDreamland.”
IfireoffaquicktexttoRowanwhileCamiandLanadebatewhichicecreamtheywanttobuy.LanaispushingfortheBOGOBenandJerry’swhileCamimoansaboutpopsicles.
I’mgoingtoneedafavor.
IgrabtheboxofcolorfulPopsiclesanddroptheminthecartwhileLanaisn’tlooking,earningawidegrinfromCami.HavingthemargueoverabudgetispointlesswhenIplannedonpayingforthewholecartanyway.It’stheleastIcandoifLanaiscookingdinnerforme.
Myphonebuzzesasecondlater,whichisafastturnaroundtimeforRowan.HeusuallyonlylooksathisphoneafewtimesadaynowwithalltheDreamlandmeetingshepacksintohisschedule.
Iris
Whatfavor?
Shit.ItextedthefamilygroupchatinsteadofRowanindividually.
Ignorethat.ImeanttotextRowan.
Dick-lan
Atleastyou’retalkingtooneofus.
Whosenumbergotaddedtothegroupchatandwhy?
Declansendsasolomiddlefingeremoji,andIlaughunderneathmybreath.
Iris
Ihateitwhenyoutwofight.
Dick-lan
I’mtryingtobethematureonehere,butCalkeepsrunningawaybeforeIhaveachancetosaysorry.
I’mnotrunningaway,asshole.I’mjustbusy.
Dick-lan
Doingwhat?
Sincewhendoyoucare?
Dick-lan
…
Iris
*Facepalm.*
Rowansendsmeaprivatetextafter.IexplainwhatIneedwhileLanadouble-checkshershoppinglist.
Rowan
Areyousurethisisagoodidea?
Nothinghasfeltmorerightinalongtime.
Imeanitinmorewaysthanone—notthatmybrotherwouldunderstand.SpendingtimewithCamiandLanamakesmefeelwholeinawayIhaven’tfeltinyears,andI’ddojustaboutanythingtokeepitthatway.
Rowan
Zahraalreadyvolunteeredtoplanthebestbirthdayever.Herwords,notmine.
IfthereisonepersonItrusttogiveCamitheultimateDreamlandexperience,itwouldbenoneotherthanZahra.SheisthebiggestDreamlandfaneverandtheTopCreatorinthepark.
Thanksinadvance.
Rowan
Whateverittakestokeepthesmileonyourface,prettyboy.
Anideadawnsonme,andIshoothimanothermessage.
Whateverittakes?
Rowan
I’mgoingtoregretsayingthat,aren’tI?
Ihaveonemorefavortoask.
IfollowupwithaHailMaryrequest,knowingthereisachancehewon’tbeabletopullitoffonsuchshortnotice
Iunderstandifyoucan’t…
Rowan
Givemeforty-eighthours.CalandCamiarechattingawayasIdrivedownMainStreet.Camihasn’tstoppedaskinghimquestionsaboutDreamlandeversinceIagreedtothetripatthegrocerystore,andhehasbeenachampwhileansweringeverysingleone.
ThewarmfeelinginmychestintensifiesasCamibreaksoutintoafitofgigglesatwhateverCalsaid.Hechuckles,andIlookoverathim.
Exceptsomethinginthewindowcatchesmyattention.
Myeyesbulge.Ibrakehard,causingallofustojoltforwardfromthemomentum.
“What’swrong?”Anxietybleedsintohisvoice.
Ilookoutthebackwindowandfindtheroadempty.“Onesecond.”
HelooksatmelikeImightbegoingcrazy.
Maybeyouare.
Ishiftthecarintoreversebeforeparkinginfrontoftheabandonedstore.
No.
InearlycrawlontopofCal’slaptogetabetterlookouthiswindow.
Theonce-emptyshopwindownowhasagiantredComingSoonsignplasteredacrossit,advertisingsomefastcasualdiningrestaurantopeninglaterthisyear.
You’retoolate.
Watchingsomeoneelselivemydreamfeelslikeapunchtothegut.LikeIwassoclosetofinallyachievingwhatIhadhopedfor,onlytofallshortbyafewmonths.
It’sstupidtofeelasenseoflossoverashopthatwasn’tevenmine.Ihavenoonetoblamebutmyselfinthissituation.IfIhadbeenselfish,maybeIwouldhavehadthemoneytobuyit.
ButIcouldn’tturnmybackonthoseIloved.
Ididn’twantto.
IfIwastogobackintimeknowingeverythingIknownow,Iwouldstillmakethesamechoices,evenifitmeantlosingallmymoneyagainintheprocess.BecausetryingtotreatMom’scancerandnotgivinguponAntobecauseMomneverdidwaswortheverypenny.
“Iseverythingokay?”Calasks.
Inoddespitethetightnessinmythroat.Hisgazeroamsovermyface,althoughIdon’tdarelookhimintheeyes.
“Youlooksad,”CamiaddsasshepeeksoverthesideofCal’schair.
Mynodisweakerthistime,andmychintrembles.
Calturnsmyfacetowardhimwithasinglefinger.“HowcanIfixit?”
HowcanIfixit?
Ibitedownontheinsideofmycheek,fightingthetemptationtovent.
Screwit.
“Youcan’t.IjustthoughtonedaymaybeIcould…”Myeyestraveltowardtheshop.
“Openyourbakerythere,”hefinishesforme.
MythroatbecomesimpossiblytightasInod.“Itsoundsstupidintheory.”
“It’snot.”Hespeakswithoutasingleounceofjudgment.
“Isn’tit,though?It’snotlikeIhavethemoneyortimerightnow.”
“I’msurewhenit’stherighttime,theperfectopportunitywillcomeup.”
Itakeonelastlookattheshop,knowingthatalthoughmydreamtoopenabakeryonedayisaliveandwell,thewishtoopenmyshoponMainStreetmightnoteverhappen.
Calliftsmychinup.“Whenyou’rereadyoneday,I’dlovetobetheretocheeryouon.”
Everythinginmewantstobelievehim,yetIcan’tdenythekernelofdoubtgrowingwithinmygut.
Hemaynotevenbehereoneday.
Iwanttoaskhimmoreaboutwhathemeans,butCamichucksherstuffedanimalontomylap.
“Here,Mommy.LambyalwayshelpsmewhenI’msad.”
“Thankyou,baby.”Myvoiceisthickwithemotion.IpressLambyagainstmychestandsqueezehimsohard,I’mafraidhisstuffingmightburst.
CalcontinuesansweringCami’squestionsaboutDreamlandwhileIdrivehome.IcanfeelCal’seyesoccasionallysweepingoverme,butIpretendnottonoticeasIfocusontheroad.
Atsomepointduringtheshortdrive,Calplaceshishandonmythigh.Theweightofhispalmcomfortsme,andbeforeIhaveachancetostopmyself,Igrasphishandandinterlockourfingers.
ForthefirsttimesinceCalshowedup,I’mnotscared,angry,orirritatedbyhispresence.
I’mgratefulforit.
Afterwereturnfromthegrocerystore,Calgoesoutofhiswaytogivemespace.It’sasifheknowsImightbreakdownifheasksasinglequestionaboutthebakery.Hesparesmeafewglancesthroughoutthenight,butIfocusonpouringmyheartoutthroughbakingratherthantalkingtohimaboutit.
IpulloutmyshinynewmixerwhileCamidragshimintoafaketeapartywithherDreamlanddolls.AsmuchasIwishIcouldprotectCamifromgettingattached,I’munabletopullherawayfromCal.Theconnectiontheyhaveisspecial.Itmightbealostcause,butI’mhopingoncehemovesawayagainthathewillbeupforvisitingLakeWisteriasolelyforCami’ssake.
Andyourstoo.
ThethoughtofCalleavingmakesmychestache,soIpushitawayandgetbacktobaking.CalkeepsCamientertainedtheentiretimeImakehisfavoritedessert,asIpromisedwhenheboughtthemixer.
Heisaneasyguytoplease.Hisfavoritesweethappenstobesnickerdoodlecookies,althoughIhaven’tfiguredoutwhy.OutofallthethingsIcanbake,thisoneseemssosimple.
Whileworkingonrollingthedoughinthecinnamon-sugarmix,IfindmyselfgettinglostinCamiandCal’spretendplay.IevenlaughacoupleoftimeswhenCalslipsintoaBritishaccenttomatchtheprincessfromEngland.ForsomeonewhodespisesDreamlandandeverythingKane-related,hesureknowsalotaboutthecharacters.Hecanevensingthesongs,whichisbothhotandoddlyimpressive.
“Onlyoneorelseyou’llspoilyourappetitebeforedinner.”IgiveCamialookasIdropoffaplateoffreshcookiesfortheteaparty.
Calbatshislashesatme.“Whataboutme?”
“What’sthepointofsayinganything?Youalwayswereafanofhavingdessertbeforedinneranyway.”
“Onlybecauseyouwereonthemenu.”Hewinks.
ThismanistheDevil.
Hetakesabiteofthecookieandletsoutamixofagroanandmoan.It’sthehottestsoundever,andheatpoolsinmybellyfromitandthewayhiseyesshut.Hewasalwaysthetypetosavorthings.
Sweets.Drinks.Me.
ThelastthoughttriggersamemoryofCaltuckedbetweenmylegs,histongueandfingersworkingintandemtomakemecome.Mylowerhalfthrobs.
Youneedtogetlaid.
Bywhat?Avibrator?
Huh.Nowthat’sanidea.
AlthoughIwon’tbeabletomakeallmyproblemsgoawaypermanently,Iwouldn’tmindtryingtotakesomeoftheedgeofftonight.Atthispoint,I’lldowhateverittakestokeepthefantasyofCalbetweenmylegsfrombecomingareality
I’vealwayslovedhavingdinnerwithCami.It’stheonepartofthedaywherewecansitdowntogetherandenjoyeachother’scompany,andIthoughtlifecouldn’tgetanybetterthanthat.
AtleastIdiduntilCaljoinedus.
Havinghimspendtimewithusatdinnerfeelsnatural.Likewewerealwaysmeanttobeatrio,evenifwespentsixyearsapart.
Iprolongthedinnerforaslongaspossible,solelybecauseIwanttorelishinCami’shappinessandCal’sattentionforalittlelonger.CamigivesmeaweirdlookwhenIoffersnickerdoodlesforasecondtimetoday,butshedoesn’tcallmeoutonthefactthatIalreadyletherhavedessertbeforedinner.
“Canwewatchamovie?”CamiasksasCalchompsonhisfifthcookie.Seriously.Wheredoeshepackitall,andhowdoIgetmybodytodothesame?
“Sure.I’dlovetoseeamovie.”Idon’tthinktwicebeforeanswering.Cami’sbedtimeisinacoupleofhours,sowehaveenoughtime.
Sheclaspsherhandstogether.“Andbuildafort?”
“Thatsoundslikeafunidea.”Cal’seyeslockontomineashistonguedartsouttolickthecrumbsawayfromhismouth.
Thatfreakingtease.
I’mtemptedtotakeabiteoutofhisbottomlipjusttomakeapoint.
“Whosaidyouwereinvited?”Ishoothimalook.
“Me!”Camiraisesherhand.
Calgrins.“It’ssettled,then.”
Asshole.
TheonlyreasonIdecidetogoalongwiththeirplanisbecauseCalhasn’thadasingledrinkallnight.Icantellheistrying,soIdon’twanttosquashhisefforts.
“Fine,”IsighbeforeturningtoCami.“Butyouneedtowashyourhandsandbrushyourteethfirst.”
“Okay!”Camiboltsforthebathroom.
CalgrabsblanketsandafewsparepillowsfromthelinenclosetwhileIturnonthemassiveTVCalboughtduringoneofhisshoppingsprees.IdownloadtheKidFlixappandloginusingmycredentials.
“What’sthat?”Caldropstheblanketsonthecouch.
“KidFlix?”
“Yeah.”Hedragsafewofthechairsoverfromthediningarea.
“Astreamingservice.”
“WhataboutDreamStream?”
Myheadtilts.“Whataboutit?”
Hefreezesinplace.“Youdon’tlikeit?”
Ibitedownonmylip.“Umm…”
“What?”
“It’snotthatIdon’tlikeit.”DreamStreamisaKaneCompanybaby,soIhavetobecarefulhowIphrasemyopinion.
“Thenwhat?”
Iconsiderhowtomincemywordsbeforesettlingonthetruth.“It’sjustthatit’snotthatgood.”
Hiseyeswiden.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Welikeditatfirst.CamireallylovedhavingconstantaccesstoalltheclassicDreamlandshowsandmovies.”
“Soyouhadasubscription?”Heunfoldsoneoftheblankets.Igrabontooneofthesidesandholditoutwhilehetiestheendtothebackofoneofthechairs.
“Yeah.Foraboutayearorso.”
“Whydidyoucancelit?”
“Acoupleofreasons.Firstoff,theyincreasedthemonthlypricebydoubletheamountlastyear.Then,theyintroducedadsontopofthat,whichIunderstandisnecessaryformakingmoney,butitbecametoomuch.Ifwewantedtoskiptheads,thenitwouldincreaseoursubscriptioncostbydouble.”
“So,quadrupletheoriginalprice?”
“Exactly.That’sridiculousforthecontenttheywereoffering.ForthepriceofaDreamStreamsubscription,Icouldpayforfourotherstreamingapps.”
“Whywouldtheyquadrupleit?”heasks,moresotohimself.
“I’mnotsure.It’snotliketheywereproducingalotofnewcontentoranythingthatcouldjustifythemonthlycost.Itwasjustrerunsofalltheirfamousshowsandmovieswithahighpricetag,andhonestly,withapaychecklikemine,itwasn’tworthit.”
“Whatwouldhavemadethepricetagjustifiable?”
“I’mnotsure.Maybemorenewreleasesandlesscommercials.Oh,andmaybecombiningalltheKaneCompanychannelsintooneplace.It’sabitridiculoustoaskpeopletopayforfourdifferentsubscriptionsallownedbythesamemediaconglomerate.”
Herubshisstubble.“Ithinkyou’reontosomething.”
“Me?”Ilaugh.“Idon’tknowanythingaboutthosekindsofthings.”
“I’vebeenwonderingwhytheprofitsweregoingdownwhencomparedtoourcompetitors.”
Ilaugh.“Oh,Icouldgiveyouawholelist.”
“Wouldyou?”Hisheadtiltswithinterest.
“Sure.Atthisrate,I’veprobablyhadasubscriptionforeverysinglestreamingappavailable.”
Camicomesrunningoutofthebathroomwithtoothpastesmearedacrosshercheekandsoapsudsstuckbetweenherfingers.ItakeherbacktothebathroomandhelpherwhileCalfinishesupthefort.
It’satightsqueezebutsomehowthethreeofusfitundertheblanketfort,althoughthetoppartoftheTViscutoff.Camidoesn’tseemtomind,herexcitementaboutwatchingamovieoutweighingthelogistics.
IliebesideCami,whochoosesthespotclosesttotheedge,whereMerlinsleepswhilecurledintoaball.Callookstornwithwhattodobeforesettlingonsittingcrisscrossneartheoppositesideofthefort.I’mnotsurehecanevenseetheTVfromhisposition,letalonefeelcomfortablewithhowheneedstohunchhisbodytofitunderneaththeblanket.
“YoucangonexttoMommy.”Camipointstothespotontheothersideofme.
Lovely.LookatLittleMissCamiplayingmatchmakerwithoutevenknowingit.
CalglancesoveratmeforapprovalbeforeInodslightly.
You’retotallygoingtoregretthisone.
Withalittlesigh,heliesdownbesideme.Hisproximity,combinedwiththesmellofhisbodywashandtherhythmofhisdeepbreathing,makesmybrainfoggyandmyskintingle.
Camipicksthemovieandgetssettledbesideme.Ibarelypayattentiontowhathappensonthescreen,mymindtooattunedtothemannexttome.Myheartpoundsfuriously,thebloodrushingtomyearsasIresistthetemptationtoturnaroundandsnuggleintohischest.
Atsomepoint,Callockshispinkyfingerwithmine,linkingustogetherfortherestofthemovie.Theconnectionthatflarestolifefromasingletouchmakesmytoescurl.
Yup.Definitelyneedtogetlaid.
AfterIputCamidowntosleep,Ilockmybedroomdoor,shutoffthelights,andgrabmyvibratorfromitscaseinthenightstand.It’sbeenawhilesinceIgotoff,andalthoughthevibratordoesn’tcomeclosetotherealthing,itgetsthejobdone.
Ilightacandleandturnonsomeacousticmusictodrownoutanynoisebeforesettlinginbed.MythoughtswandertoallthethingsIneedtodobeforeIrememberwhatIwantedtodointhefirstplace.
Itugmysleepshirtovermyheadandtossmyunderwearbeforegettingbackintobed.Thistime,mythoughtsdrifttosomethingfarmoredangerous.
Somethingforbiddenforahundreddifferentreasons.
CallahanKane.
Themanhasn’tleftmyheadsincehestumbledbackintomylife,draggingmeintothepastI’vespentyearstryingtoforget.
Mightaswelltakeadvantageofhisproximityandusehimtogetoff.
IshutmyeyesandimagineCalloomingaboveme,hisfingersdraggingacrossmychestratherthanmyown.Hetakeshistimetoreacquainthimselfwithmybody.Eachgasp,sigh,andmoanencouragehim,andheteasesonebreastuntilI’mbreathlessandpantingbeneathhimbeforemovingontotheother.
Mynailcatchesonthesharppeak,butIreplacetheimagewithCal’s.
HeistheoneteasingmybodywithhishandsuntilI’mbeggingforrelease.
HeistheoneanglingthevibratorsotheG-spotstimulatorhitsattheperfectangle.
Heistheone…Knockingonthedoor?!
Myeyesflyopen.Isitupandgaspasthevibrationintensifies,makingmyeyesroll.
“Lana?Didyouhearme?”Calknocksharder.
IgroanintoapillowasIpullthevibratorfreeandshutthebuttonoff.
“Oneminute,”Irasp,myvoicecomingouthuskierthanIwouldhaveliked.
Hisknockingstops.
ThankGod.
Islideoffthesheets.MylegsfeellikejellyasIsearchformyshirt.Withaquickrunthroughmyhair,Icrackthedooropen.
“What?”
Hiseyesscanmyface.“IwantedtoaskyouacouplethingsaboutDreamStream.”
“Now?It’sninep.m.”
HelooksatmelikeI’mcrazy.“And?”
“It’slate.Askmetomorrow.”Ipushthedoorclosed,buthepresseshispalmagainstthewoodtoblockitfromshutting.
“It’slate?Wait…”Hesniffs.“Isthatlavender?”
“Yeah.Ilitacandle.Sowhat?”
“Youlitacandle?”herepeats.“Youneverlightacandleunless—”Hiseyeswidenwithrecognition.“Ofcourse.Thecandle.Themusic.The…”Helooksovermyheadatthepantiesonthefloor.“Anicetouch.”
Mycheeksflush.Ireachtoshutthedoor,buthisstrengthpreventsitfromclosing.
“HowdoIscoreaninvite?”Hiseyesdip,theheatofhisgazeburningapathdownmybody.Withthewayhelooksatme,I’mafraidImightcatchonfire
Thewarmthinmybellyfromearliercomesbackwithavengeance.“Youdon’t.Nowgoaway.”Ipushagainstthedooragain,buthisholdremainsstrong,preventingitfrommovingasinglecentimeter.
“Letmemakeyoufeelgood.Please,”herasps.
God.Nomanshouldlookorsoundthatdesperatetopleasureawoman.Itcangiveanyoneacomplex,especiallywhenpairedwithCallickinghislips.
Asinglepleahasmywallscrumblinglikeapoorlyconstructedgingerbreadhouse.
What’stheworstthatcanhappen?
Ifyou’reaskingyourselfthatquestion,thenyou’refurthergonethanIthought.
Ishakemyhead.“No.”
It’sforthebest.Ididn’tspendthelasttwomonthskeepinghimatadistancetoruinitbecauseI’mdesperateforrelief.
You’renotdesperateforrelief.
You’redesperateforhim
Thetruthhitsmelikeapunchtothegut,stealingmybreath.
Hisgriponthedoorframetightens.“I’llbegonmyhandsandkneesifIhaveto.”
“Fine.Goahead.”Ireleasemygriponthedoorandtakeastepback.
You’regoingtoregretthistomorrow.
ThenIbettermakethemostoftonight.
Hedoesn’tmove—doesn’tevensomuchasblink—asIretreatfartherintomyroom,addingenoughdistancetomakehisbeggingworthmywhile.
“Areyougoingtogetonyourkneesandbeg,orareyougoingtostandthereandwatchwhileImakemyselfcomeharderthanyouevercould?”
Hisnostrilsflare.“Isthatadare?”
Adeviousgrinstretchesacrossmyface.“It’sapromise.”SomethingsnapsinsideofCal.It’sevidentinthewayhisgazeshifts,thewildnesshekeepstampeddowncomingtotheforefront.Mybodyvibratesfromanticipationasheshutsthedoorbehindhimandflipsthelock.
“Wheredoyouwantme?”Hetakesastepclosertome.
“Plentyofplaces,butonyourkneesisgoodenoughfornow.”
HisAdam’sapplebobsashiskneessinkintothefabricofthecarpet.Ifeellight-headedfromthesightofhimreadytofollowmyeverycommand.
“Perfect.Nowjuststaythereandlookprettyforme.”
Hesmirks.“That’sall?”
Isearchthesheetsformyvibratorbeforehoppingonthebedandfacinghim.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Hisbrowsknittogether.
“Isaidyoucouldbeg.Notthatyoucouldbetheonetomakemecome.”
Hismouthdropsopen,butnowordscomeout.
Iturnonthedevice.Thehum,combinedwithhisstare,sendsafreshwaveofgoosebumpsacrossmyskin.
Iswallowpastthethicklumpinmythroat.“Ifyoutouchme,allofthisisover.Gotit?”
Hisfingersdigintohisthighs,drawingmyeyestowardthegrowingerectionbeneathhissweatpants.“Areyoutryingtoavoidanyphysicalcontactbecauseyouthinkthatwillprotectyoufromwhat’shappeningbetweenus?”
Myeyesnarrow.“Ididn’tsaythat.”
Butyousurethoughtit.
Malditasea.
“Youdidn’thaveto.Butthat’sfinebecauseI’lljusthaveyoudomydirtyworkforme.Nowtakeoffyourshirtandspreadyourlegsforme.”
“You’renottheoneincontrolhere.”Thewordscomeoutshaky,lackinganyconfidencefrombefore.
“Oh,babe.I’vebeenincontrolsincethemomentyouletmeinsidethisroom.Ijustlikewatchingyougethighonyourpowertrip.”
Mybreathcatchesinmythroat.
“Youwantmetobeg?”Calplaceshishandsonthecarpetandgetsonallfours.“Youwantmetocrawltoyoulikeamanstarvedforyourpussy?”Hedoesjustthat,theinvisiblestringbetweenusgoingtautashegetscloser.“BecauseIwanttotasteyousodamnbadly,ImightdieifIdon’tgetachancetonight.”
Heclosesthegapbetweenusandstopsinfrontofme,hiseyesglitteringwithmischiefasherisesonhisknees.Withhisheightandthepositionofthemattress,hegetsaperfectviewoftheplacethatthrobsforhisattention.
Histonguedartsouttotracethecurveofhisbottomlip.
Sparksskatedownmyspine.Mylowerhalfpulsesandliquidpoolsbetweenmylegs.“It’syourfuneral.”
“ThenImightaswellenjoymylastmeal.”Hisgazedarkensasitlandsontheapexofmythighs.
“Andhowdoyouplanondoingthatwithouttouchingme?”
“Whyruinthesurprise?”Heflashesmethatsignaturesmileofhisthatgetsmyheartpumpingwildlyinmychest.
“But—”
“Shirtoffandlegsspreadapartorelseallofthisisover.Gotit?”Hethrowsmywordsbackatme.
IswearherememberseverysinglethingIsaysolelysohecanuseitagainstmeatthemostinconvenienttime.
“Gotit.”Iriptheshirtoffmyheadandpushmythighsapart,wipingthestupidgrinoffhisface.Hegroansashishandsgripthemattressoneithersideofmythighs.
Thesensualwomanwholaydormantinsideofmerisestothesurface,fueledbythelustinhisgazeandthepulsingsensationatmycore.MaybeIamonapowertripbecausenothingfeelsbetterthanmakingamanlikehimwildwithneed.
Ireachforthesilicontool.Oneendtiltsup,whiletheotheriscurvedandmeantforG-spotstimulation.
“What’sthat?”Cal’svoicetrembles,elicitingashiverfromme.
Iholditupforhimtosee.
Hestandstogetabetterlook,encroachingonmyspaceandfloodingmynosewithhisaddictingsmell.“Thatoneisnew.”
“Thelastonebroke.”
Hiseyesnarrow.“How?”
“Itwaswell-loved.”Idoaquicksignofthecrossinmockremembrance.
“Withhim?”Thelethaltoneofhisvoicemakesmystomachclench.
“No,youpossessiveasshole.Bymyself.”
Thetightnessinhisjawfadesaway.“Good.Nowgetinthemiddleofthebedandshowmewhatyouusuallydotogetoff.”
Idowhathesays.Heclimbsupontothemattress,makingthebutterfliesinmystomachswarm.Mybodydipsclosertohimfromhisaddedweight,butheiscarefultoavoidtouchingme.Instead,heliesbesideme,leavingasmallgapbetweenourbodies.
Ireleaseashakybreath.“First,Iliketotouchmyself.”
Thecolorofhiseyesshiftsliketheoceanbeforeastorm,thelightbluecolorquicklyturningdarkerfromhisdilatingpupils.“Isaidtoshowme.”
Myfingersgripontothesheets.
Areyoureallygoingtodothis?
Onenightwon’tchangethingsbetweenus.AtleastnotunlessIletit,andIdon’tplanonmakingthatmistakeagain.
“Lana,”hesayswithastrainedvoice,attemptingtopullmeawayfrommythoughts.
Justletgoforasinglenight.
MyeyesshutasIstrokemybelly.Thetipsofmyfingersrunbackandforthacrossthesmoothflesh,ticklingtheskinuntilmymusclesloosen.It’snotuntilmyheartbeginstoracethatItravelpastmyribs,straighttowardmybreasts.
Icanfeelhiseyeseverywhere.Itfuelsthefireburningwithinme,feedingituntilI’msquirmingonthebedasIteasemyself.
“God.Thewayyoulookrightnowmakesmewish…”Hebitesbackagroanbeforeblowingonthenippleclosesttohim,catchingmebysurprise.
“Makesyouwishwhat?”Ipress.
“Thatyouwouldletmetouchyou.”
I’mcarefulnottoletmyhandsgettooclosetomynipples,insteadfocusingontravelingaroundthecircumferenceofmybreastfirst.Eachpassgetsmeclosertothepeak.“Whatwouldyoudoifyoucould?”
Calcursesunderhisbreath.“Worshipyourbodywithmyhandsandlipsuntilyou’recryingformycock.”
Ihuff.“Youalwayswereatease.”
“Saysthewomanwhohasherdrippingcuntondisplayformypersonaltorture.”
Ispreadmylegswider,earninganotherpainedgruntfromhim.Calleansforwardandblowsagainstthetipofmyothernippleinretribution.
Mybackbows,mychestinchingclosertohismouth.
Hisdeepchucklemakesgoosebumpsexplodeacrossmyskin.“JustsaythewordsandI’lltakeover.”
“No.”Itrytosoundstrong,butmyanswercomesoutlikeabrokenwhisper.
“Areyousure?”Cal’sbreathinggrowsheavier.“BecauseI’dlovetakeyouintomymouthuntilyou’rewrithingbeneathme,withyourbackarchedandyourpussygrindingagainstmythigh,soakingitwithyourneed.”
Icanpictureitvividly.Calwouldpresshiskneeintome,encouragingmetoprovehowmuchIwanthimbyseekingmyownreleaseonhisthigh.Healwayslikedmakingmeworkformypleasure.Thegentlenessheusuallyshowsmeoutsideofthebedroomwouldbegone,replacedbyawildnesshekeepsonatightleash.
Ihopeyouknowwhatyou’redoing.
ThemoreI’mremindedofourconnection,thestrongermydoubtgrows.
Regretthislater.
Mylowerhalfthrobswiththeneedformore.Igrabthevibratoronlytohaveitstolenrightoutofmyhands.
“Useyourhandfirst.”Heslidesoffthebed,walkingaroundtheendbeforelyingbetweenmylegs.
Fuck.
Iteasemyclitanddragmyhandbackandforthfrommyentrance,usingmyarousaltomyadvantage.
Myfingerdipsinside,pumpingslowly.
“Showhowmemuchyouwantme.”HewatcheswiththeutmostfascinationasIliftmyfinger.Itshinesunderthemoonlightpeekingthroughtheblinds.Thevibratorslipsfromhishand,completelyabandonedashefocusesonme.
“Another.”
Ifollowhiscommand,mybodyshakingasIslipasecondfingerinside,soakingittotheknuckleasIslowlypushinandout.I’veneverbeenabletoturnmyselfonthismuch.Cal’spresenceworkslikeanaphrodisiac,turningmeintoawhimperingmessathiscommand.
Themusclesinmystomachcontractwitheachthrustofmyfingers.
“Letmetasteyou.”Hisvoicecracks,thewildnessinhisgazesplittingmyheartintwo.
“No.”Istateitfirmly—forhimandformyself.
Hedropshisheadagainstthemattressandgroans.
IgrinasIreachforthevibratoragain,onlytohaveCalholdithostageagainsthischest.
“Handitover.”Iwigglemyfingers.
“YousaidIcouldn’ttouchyou,butyouneversaidanythingaboutmeusingyourtoy.”Hepressesthebutton,andthehumfillstheroom.
“Wha—”MyprotestiscutoffbyCalpressingthewarmvibratingendagainstmyclit.
Mybackarches,pleasurespreadingthroughmybodylikeatidalwave.
“You’reacheat,”Imoanasheslidesthetipinsideofme,soakingitbeforereturningitbacktomyclit.
Herepeatsthesamemotionoverandover,collectingmyarousalbeforeteasingmyclit.“Youcantellmetostopatanytime.”
LikeIstandachanceofdoingthatnowthatheretookcontrolandturnedmeintoamindlessmess.MyfrustrationgrowsasIchasemyorgasm,onlytohaveitdeniedeverysingletime.
Iclutchontothesheetbeneathmeandgrunt.Myskinhasaslightsheentoitfromthesweatdampeningit.
HetsksasIattempttosnagthevibratorawayagain.“Doyouwanttocome?”
“Yes,”Isaybetweengrittedteeth.
“Thenletmetouchyou.”
“No.”
“Pitythen.Letmeknowwhenyou’rereadytoacceptdefeat.”Heshutsoffthevibratorbeforeinsertingthetipinsideme.Histhrustsaredeliberatelyshallow,barelyscratchingtheitch.Ifanything,itmakesthepulsingworse.
Imoan.“Please.”
“Pleasewhat?Useyourwords,sweetheart.Iwanttohearhowmuchyouneedme.”
Mylipsremainclampedtogether.Hiscondescendingchucklemakesmewanttorage.Heturnsthevibratorontothelowestsettingtotaketheedgeoff,andImeltfurtherintothemattress.
“Allthiscouldbeoverifyoujustsurrender.”Helowershimselfuntilhisfaceisinchesawayfrommypussyandblowsagainstmyswollenclit.
Forfuck’ssake.
“Ifyoudon’tmakemecomeinthenextminute,I’llshovethatvibratorstraightupyourassandfinishthismyself.”
Hewinks.“I’mdownifyouare,solongasyouletmecomeafterward.”
“Ihateyou,”Igrindoutasheshovesthevibratordeeper.
“No.YouhatehowImakeyoufeel.”Heremovesthevibratorandwipesawaymyessencewithafewstrokesofhistongue.Thewayheshutshiseyesinreverencepushesmeovertheedge.
“Pleasetouchme.”Thewordscomeoutstrained,matchingthewaymyheartfeelslikeitisbeingpulledapartattheseams.
You’retheonewhowantedthis.
Withquickabandon,Calditchesthevibratorandspreadsmylegswidertoaccommodatehisbody.Hekisseshiswayupanddowneachofmythighs,takinghissweettime.Thebrushofhissoftlipsagainstmyfleshistoomuch.IliftmyhipstoremindhimofwhatIwant,onlytobemetwiththescrapeofhisstubbledcheekagainstmythigh.
Idigmyfingersintohishairanddraghisheadtomydrippingcenter.“Enoughteasing.Eitherfuckmeorfuckoff.”
“Sobossy.”Histongueswipesout,dartingacrossmyswollenclit.Whenhetriestoretreat,Iholdhisheadagainstmeandforcehimtostay.“Soneedy.”Hedragsthetiptowardmyachingcenter.“Sofuckingsexy,mycockfeelslikeitmightburstfromthesightofyou.”
Histonguesinksinsideme.Mybackcurves,sparksshootingoffmyskinashedevoursmelikehehasn’teatenforyears.LikeI’mthefirstmealhehashadandhewantstosavorit.Hisfingersdigintomyasscheeksasheholdsmeagainsthisface,hiseyessolelyfocusedonme.
Theunrelentingtortureofhismouthdrivesmeclosertotheedge.Iwanttoholdout,butmytoestingleandmybreathingquickensashistongueteasesmycenterbeforedivinginside.
MythighspressintothesidesofhisheadasIcome.Spotsfillmyvisionaswaveafterwaveofpleasurerollsthroughme.Caldoesn’tceasehisstroking,sucking,andlickinguntilmybodystopstremblingandmyreleasecoatstheentirelowerhalfofhisface.
“Fuck.”Myheaddropsback,andIblinkupattheceiling.
Hekissesmycenteronelasttimebeforecrawlingovermybody.Hisfamiliarweightpressesmedeeperintothemattressashecradlesmyheadandkissesme.Thecombinedtasteofhismintybreathandmyarousalfloodsmymouth,causinganotherspikeofpleasure.Imoanagainsthislips,andhistongueswoopsin,forcingmetotastehowmuchIwanthim.
Hemovestobreakaway,butIgripontohishairandtughimcloser,notabletoendourconnectionjustyet.I’mnotpreparedfortheregretImightfeeloncehewalksaway.Thefear
“Thankyou.”Hepressesonelastpeckagainstmylips.
Thankyou?IshouldbetheonethankinghimformakingmecomeharderthanIhaveinyears
Hekissesthetopofmyforeheadbeforepullingawayfromme.Besideshismessyhairandtheerectionthreateningtobursttheseamsofhissweatpants,helookscompletelyputtogether.
Iriseonmyelbowsandlookoverathim.“Whereareyougoing?”
“I’dratherleavebeforeyoucometoyoursensesandkickmeout.”
Myheartthreatenstoexplodeasheslidesoffthemattress.Itbeatshardandfastashetucksmein,thoroughlydestroyinganylastbitofresistanceIhadagainsthim.
“Iwouldn’thavekickedyououtifyouhadaskedtostay,”Iblurtout.
Hereleasesaheavyexhale.“Iwanttostaybecauseyouwantmehere,notbecauseyoufeelobligatedbyarequestandanorgasm.”
Mylipspart,butnowordscomeout.
“Youknowwheretofindmeifyouwantme.”Caloffersmeatightsmilebeforewalkingoutofmybedroom.
Ifallbackagainstthebedwithasigh.Theemptyholeinmychestgrowsuntilitconsumesallthewarmthfrombefore,leavingmefeelingcoldandalone.
IconsidercrawlingintoCal’sbed,butholdback.I’mtoooverwhelmedtothinkabouttheconsequencesofsomethinglikethat.
Youalreadylethimeatyouout.What’stheworstthatcanhappen?
Simplyput:Ifallinlovewithhimalloveragain.WalkingawayfromLanaisnearlyimpossible.Ialmostcavedandstayed,butIcouldn’tdothattoeitherofus,nomatterhowmuchIwantedtoholdhertightlyagainstmychestandwhisperinherearuntilshefellasleep.
Instead,Iliedownaloneinmybed,sexuallyandemotionallyfrustrated.
Areyoureallysurprised?
No.PartofmeknewthemomentIwalkedoutthedoorthatshewouldn’tfollowme.Itwaswrittenalloverherface.Theindecision.Theuncertainty.Thefearthatwhateverwedidmightleadtomore.
Ofcourse,Iwantitto.Iwouldn’thavedonewhatIdidifIwasn’tsureofthefactthatIwantheranywayIcangether,solongassheisopentothesame.
Givehertime.
Irubmystubbledchinwithmyhand.ThesmellofLana’sarousallingersonmyfingers,makingmyalready-stiffcockachewithaneedforrelease.Ipushthebandofmysweatpantsdownandwrapmyhandaroundmydick,givingitasingletug.
Justalittlesomethingtotaketheedgeoff,ItellmyselfasIpumpupanddownuntilpre-cumrunsdownmyshaft,helpingmyhandslidemoreeasilyacrossthesoftskin.
It’sbetterthandrinking,Irepeattwiceasmystomachcontractsandmytoesflexfromthebuildingpleasureatthebaseofmyspine.Heattravelstowardmycock,makingitimpossibletothinkaboutanythingbutseekingmyownpleasure.
IimagineLana’sfingersreplacingmine.Theteaseofhertouch.Thetightgripofherhandwrappingaroundmyshaft,pumpinguntilmyballsdrawtight.Thewarmthofhermouthreplacingherhand,teasingandtestinguntilI’mbuckingunderneathher,chokingherwithmycock.
Icanpictureitallvividly.
Hereyeswateringasshetakesallofme.
MeshovingmycockasfarasitcangobeforeIcomedownherthroat.
ThetasteofmyreleaseonhertongueasIpullheragainstmeandkissheruntilwe’rebothreadyformetosinkinsideofher.
Myspinetingles,andmypumpingbecomesmoreerratic.Withafewmoretugs,mycockexplodes,coveringmyshirt.
Iscrewmyeyesshutandcursetomyself.WhateverpeaceIthoughtImightfeelquicklyfadesawayasIpictureLanacleaningoffmydickwiththeflatofhertongue.
“Fuck,”Irasp.
Somuchfortakingtheedgeoff.
***
Thenextmorning,LanawakesupbrightandearlytotakeCamidowntothelake.IconsiderjoiningthemsoIcantalktoheraboutlastnightbutdecideitwouldbebettertospeaktoheronceCamiisasleep.
IspendthenexthoursiftingthroughtheDreamStreamappwhilescrollingthroughReddit,gatheringinformationabouttheappandwhatpeoplereallythinkofit.ThankstoLana’sinsightandthedataIcollected,Ihaveagoodunderstandingoftheappanditscompetitors.
IshootRowanatextbeforeIlosemyconfidence.
WanttotalkaboutDreamStreamsometime?I’vegotacoupleideas.
Rowan
I’mfreeinthirty.I’llsendyouavideocalllink.
MybrotherandIhopontothecallthirtyminuteslater.Zahrapopsintosayhi.Rowan’seyesbrightenashelooksupatherwhileshespeakstome.
Damn.Lovelooksgoodonmybrother.I’mhappyhefoundsomeonewhocouldmakehimlookthathappyallthetime.
OnceZahraleaves,heandIgetdowntobusiness.
DreamStreamwasmybrother’sbabybeforehebecamethedirectorofDreamland.I’msurprisedhehasn’tsteppedintohelpsincethey’restruggling,butgivenhowbusyheiswiththeparkandZahra,itmakessense.Hedoesn’thavetimetogetinvolvedinotherdivisionsofthecompany.
So,you’rethenextbestoption?
Theseedofdoubtplantsitselfinmyhead,butIdomybesttoignoreit.
ThelongerIspeaktoRowanaboutmyassessment,themoreenthusiasticandconfidentIbecomeabouteverything.
“Youreallythoughtthisout.”Rowanstaresintothecamera.
“Itwashardtofallasleeplastnight.”That’sanunderstatement.IttookmehourstoknockoutaftereverythingwithLana,sothebestthingIcoulddowastrytodistractmyselfwithDreamStream.
“Whatdoyousuggestwedo?”Heleansbackinhisofficechair.
“Ithinkweneedarefresh.”
“Howso?”
“I’mprettysuretheguyyouappointedgrewupwithablack-and-whiteTVthathadfivechannels,sowhatdoesheknowaboutstreaming?”
“Enoughtohavelastedthislongonthejob.”Heclaspshishandstogetherunderneathhischin.
“Hehasbeenflounderingandyouknowit.Thenumbersaren’tinourfavor,andtheslowdeclinedatesbacktoalittleafteryoulefttheposition.”
“Thenwhatdoyouthinkisbest?”Hislipscurveupward.
“Asktheboardtoappointsomeoneelsewhoactuallyknowswhatthey’redoing.”
“Likeyou?”
Alaughexplodesoutofme.IexpectRowantofollow,buthisfaceremainsstone-cold.
“You’reserious?”Mysmilefalls.
“Whynot?”
“BecauseI’mgrosslyunderqualifiedandequallyuninterestedinapositionlikethat.”Thethoughtofspendingtherestofmydayschainedtoadeskdoesn’tsparkanyjoy.
“I’mnotsuggestingyoubecomeaCEO.”
“Thenwhat?”
“Adirector.”
Ibitebackmylaughthistime.
Hisbrowsfurrow.“I’mbeingserious.Iheardthattherearesomeissueswiththecurrentdirectorinchargeofcontentstrategyandanalysis.”
“And?”
“Youcouldgiveitatry.”
Ishakemyheadhardenoughtomakemyneckhurt.“Hellno.”
“Whynot?”
“Firstoff,Ihavenoexperience.”Itickoffafinger.
Somuchforbeingarisk-taker.
Myteethgrindtogetherasmygrandpa’soldnicknameformepopsintomyhead.Thisisn’tthetimetotakearisk.
Rowanreadjustshisalready-perfecttie.“Thenstartoutasanassociate.”
“Ihateofficejobs.”
“DreamStreamisdifferent.”
“Why?Becausetheyhavebreakoutroomsandbeanbagchairs?Hardpass.”
“I’mtalkingmoreaboutthephilosophy.”
Igivehimablankstare.
Hesighs.“Justthinkaboutit.”
“ThereisnothingtothinkaboutbecauseI’mnotlookingforajob.IjustwantedtosharewhatIfound.”
“Thenbesuretomentionitatthenextboardmeeting.I’msureMr.Wheelerwillbeopentosuggestionsifthismonth’sreportisevenmoregrimthanthelast.”
“Rowan…”Iwarn.ThelastthingIwanttodoisdrawattentiontomyselfgivenmylackofexperienceandthegiganticexpectationsassociatedwithmylastname.
“Ifyoudon’twanttojoinateamthatcanmakeadifference,thenatleastbringituptothepersonwhocan.”Hehangsupbeforegivingmeachancetosayanythingelse.
“Asshole.”
TurnsoutIdon’thavetoseekLanaout.Shecomesknockingonmybedroomdoorwithababymonitorinherhandandaclosed-offexpressiononherface.
“Wanttogoonalittlewalkbythelake?”sheasksinasoftvoicelikeshehasn’tspentthebetterpartoftodayavoidingme.
Myheartbeatsharderagainstmychest.“Sure.Letmegrabapairofsneakers.”
OnceIhavemyshoestied,IfollowLanaoutofthehouseandintothesummernight.Forthefirstcoupleofminutes,neitherofussaysanything.Cricketsfillthesilenceaswewalktowardthedockbehindtheguesthouse.It’samuchsmallerversionoftheonebythemainhouse,mainlymeantforasingleboatandacoupleofchairsattheend.
Bothofustakeaseatattheendofthedock.Lanashakesoffherflip-flopsandswingsherlegsovertheedgesothetipsofhertoescangrazethewater.
“So…”Istartbecausesheclearlywon’t.
Hereyesflickerfromthelaketomyface.“Whatdoyouhaveplannedafterwesellthehouse?”
Theairinmylungsstalls.“What?”
“Doyouthinkyou’llgobacktoChicago?”
“WoulditmattertoyouifIgo?”
Shestaresathertoestracingthewater.“Itshouldn’t.”
Myeyesnarrow.“That’snotarealanswer.”
Hereyesroll.“Neitherisansweringmyquestionwithanotherquestion.”
Mylipscurveintoasmallsmile.“True.Tobehonest,I’mnotsurewhatIhaveplannedaftersellingthehouse.Ididn’treallythinkthatfarahead.”
“Ofcourseyoudidn’t.Itmustbenicetonothaveajoboranyresponsibilitiesoutsideoflivinginthemoment.”
Mysmiledrops.“It’skindoflonely.”
Shesnorts.“What?Howisthatevenpossible?Youhaveabajillionfriends.”
“Ihadabajillionfriends.Turnsoutalotofthemwereeithertootoxictobearoundortoofedupwithmyshittycopingmechanisms.”
Herbrowsscrunchtogetherlikeshecan’tfathomwhatI’mtellingher.“Iris—”
“Isbusystartingherlifewithmybrother.”
“So?Thatdoesn’tmeanshecan’tspendtimewithyou.”
“Shedoes,butwecan’thangoutnearlyasmuchasweusedto.Andthat’sfine.Iunderstandthingsaredifferentnow.”
Herheadtilts.“Differenthow?”
Ilookupatthestarlitskytoavoidherperceptivestare.“Idon’texpecthertostoplivingherlifejustbecauseIdon’thaveone.”
“Youhavealife,”shecounters.
Abitterlaughescapesme.“Anemptyone.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“I’manobody,Lana.”
“You’resomebodytome.”Herhandclaspsontomine.
You’resomebodytome.
Herwordsactlikemedicine,sinkingintomyskinandeasingthepainofyears’worthofdamagefromfeelinginadequate.
“Doyoureallymeanthat?”Irasp.
Herheadbarelymovesasshenods.
“Whydidn’tyouaskmetostaylastnight?”IaskthequestionI’vebeenbeatingmyselfupoversincethen.
“BecauseIwasscared,”sheadmits,hervoicebarelyaudibleovertheleavesrustlingaroundusfromastronggustofwind.
“Scaredofwhat?”Igiveherhandasqueeze.
“Plentyofthingswhenitcomestoyou.”
SuchaLanaanswer.“Pickone.”
“I’mafraidwhatwillhappenonceyouleaveagain.”
“WhatifIstayed?”Thequestionburstsoutofmewithoutanyhesitancy.
Smooth,Cal.
Sheblinks.“What?”
“I’mnotinarushtogoanywhere,sowhatifIstuckaroundLakeWisteriaforawhile?”
Herforeheadpinches.“Whywouldyoudothat?”
“Isn’ttheanswerobvious?”Itucktheflutteringstrandofhairbehindherearbeforetracingthesoftcurve.Herbreathingshiftsasshelooksupatmewithherlargebrowneyesthatreflectthemoonaboveus.
Herlipspart,andIfindtheideaofkissingherimpossibletoignore.Ileanforwardandcapturehermouthwithmine,swallowinghergasp.
Thekissendsasquicklyasitbegan,yetshebreathesheavylikeshejustranarace.
“Youwanttostay?”Thewordsrushoutofhermouth.
“Onlyifyouwantmeto—”
Sheinitiatesthekissthistime,cuttingoffthelastbitofmysentencewithhermouthpressingagainstmine.Thebuzzstartsatmylipsandtravelsdownmyspine.
KissingLanafeelsliketheworldstartedspinningagain.LikeI’vebeenfrozeninplaceuntilshereenteredmylife,tiltingitbackonitsaxis.
I’mnotsurehowlongwekissfor.Atsomepoint,shebreaksawaytostraddlemylap.Webothgroanwhenshegrindsdownagainstmycock.Herheaddropstotheside,soIkissmywayupherneck,teasingheruntilsheendsuprockingbackandforthagainstme.
Everythingaboutourkissfeelsdifferent.New.Hopeful
AndIwanttomakesurethathopeneverdies.Nomatterwhatittakes.“Youcan’tseriouslybegoingonavacationwithCalofallpeople.”VioletlaunchesadartatthecircleshedrewdirectlyoverCal’sfacemarkedwitha50.ShefoundthephotoofCalinasuitandtieontheKaneCompany’swebpageandprinteditoutforouremergencygirls’night.
Thistime,Iwasn’ttheonewhocalledthemeeting.DelilahandVioletdidafterItoldthemthenewsaboutDreamlandandourvacationnextweek.
“YoutrytellingCaminoafterheofferedtotakehertoDreamland.ShehasbeenbeggingmetogoeversinceshesawthatcommercialontheTVtwoyearsago.”
“Whywouldheevenofferatriplikethatinthefirstplace?Whatdoeshegetoutofit?”Delilahtakesasipofherdrinkbeforestandingandgrabbingadartfromthetable.Todayisagooddayforherandherarthritis,soshewantstotakeadvantage.
“BesidesincreasinghisoddsofgettingintoAlana’spants?”Violetsnorts.
Alittletoolateforthat.
Ishootheralook.“SaywhatyouwantaboutCalandme,butIknowheisdoingthisbecausehelikesCami.Icanseeitinthewaytheyinteract.Thethingtheyhaveis…special.”
HeiseverythingIwantinapartnerandmore.
Delilah’sfrowndeepens.“Oh,no.”SheandVioletspareaglanceateachother.
“What?”Iask.
“You’vegotthatlookinyoureyes.”
“Whatlook?”
“TheI’mfallinginlovewithCallahanKanelook.”
Ilaugh.“Whatkindisthat?”
BothDelilahandViolettrytoimitateitandfailmiserably,whichcausesusalltobreakoutintolaughter.
“I’mnotfallinginlovewithhim.”AtleastIdon’tthinkIam.Wehaveonlyjuststartedtakingthenextstep,sothereisnopossiblewayIwouldbefallinginlove.It’swaytoosoon.
Right?Asmallswellofpanicbuildsinmychest,rightabovemyheart.
“Idon’tknow…”Delilahrocksbackonhershoes.
“Trustme.IwouldknowseeingasI’vealreadydoneitoncebefore.”
“That’sthethingaboutfallinginlove.Youdon’texactlyexpectittohappenuntilyou’recrashlandingintosomeoneelse’sarms,wonderinghowthehellyoulostthebattleagainstgravityinthefirstplace.”
Shit.
AlanaValentinaCastillo,youweresupposedtobesmarter.Wiser.Stronger
ThereisnowayIwoulddosomethingasstupidasfallinlovewiththesamemantwice,right?Myheartthrobsattheveryidea.
“Iknowyou’rebothworried…”Myvoicestaysneutraldespitetheanxietygrowingbythesecond.
“Onlybecauseweloveyouanddon’twanttoseeyousufferbecauseofCal.Again,”Violetadds.
Ishakeoffthenerves.“Thistimeisdifferent.”Withhimcuttingbackondrinkingandhiscommitmenttotryingtosecureaplaceinmylife,itwouldbestupidtoignorehisefforts,evenifwestillhavealongwaytogo.
“How?Youdon’teventrusthim,”Violetsayswithasoftvoice.
“Violet…”Delilahwarns.
Icrossmyarms.“Itrusthimenoughtolivewithhim.”
“Butyoudon’ttrusthimenoughtotakecareofCamionhisown,”Violetcounters.
“Trusttakestime.”Delilahgivesmyhandasqueeze.
Myheadhangs.Deepdown,IknowVioletandDelilahareright.CalandIcanplayhouseforaslongaswewant,butthatwon’tchangethefactthatIstilldon’tfullytrusthim.
Trusttakestime.Delilah’swordsreplayinmyhead.
Ihopeso.
Ireturnfromgirls’nighttofindWyattandCalcaughtinadeathstarematch.Theybothsitonoppositesidesofthelivingroom,thetensionbleedingfrombothoftheirhikedshoulders.
“Gladyou’reback.Canyoucalloffyourguarddognow?”Caldoesn’tlookinmydirection.
Wyatt’smusclesstrainbeneathhisT-shirt.“I’mababysitter,notaguarddog.”
Cal’seyesnarrow.“Youwouldn’tevenletmereadCamiabedtimestory.”
“BecauseI’mtheonewhousuallydoesitwhenIwatchher.”Wyattpokeshischest.
“Well,shedidn’taskyou,didshe?”
Wyatt’sjawticks.
GoodGod.WatchingthetwoofthemgetjealousoverwhoCamiwantstoreadabedtimestorywithistoomuch,evenforme.
Myovaries,ontheotherhand,arelivingtheirbestlife.
“ThanksforwatchingCami.Iappreciateit.”IpatWyattontheback.
Merlincomesoutfromunderthecouchtorubhisbodyagainstmyleg.Ireachdownandrunmyhandacrosshissilkycoat.ItonlytookMerlinaweektowarmuptoCamiandme,thankstothefancycansoftunaIboughthim.
“Heythere,”Icoo.
“Youhaveacat?”Wyatt’sheadswingsinCal’sdirection.
“Yup.”
Icarrythecatintomyarmsandwavehispawintheair.“SayhitoMerlin.”
AndyouwereworriedaboutCamigettingattached…
Wyatt’seyesright.“Merlin?Wasn’theKingArthur’smentororsomething?”
“Yup.”Cal’sjawclenches.
“That’scute,Percival.WhoknewyouhadaKingArthurkink?”
“Icalledhimthatbecausethenameremindedmeofmymom,asshole.”
Wyatt’ssmilefalls.“Sorry.”
Caldoesn’tbotherstickingaround.Thedoortohisbedroomclicksshutbehindhim,leavingmetodealwithWyatt.
“What’sgottenintohim?”Iask.
Wyattshrugs.“I’mnotsure.He‘sbeenpissedsincethemomentIshowedup.”
CalwasinagoodmoodwhenIleft,soI’mnotsurewhathappenedwithinthefewsecondsittookWyatttowalkinsidethehouse.
Igivehimashove.“Couldyouatleasttrytobecivilwithhim?”
“Iamtrying,evenifitdoesn’tseemlikeit.Mostofthetownistrying,afterseeinghimmakeadamnfoolofhimselfinthatstrawberrycostume.”
“Thenwhydidhelooklikeyoukickedhiscat?”
“ProbablybecausehefeelsthreatenedbymyrelationshipwithCamiorsomething.”
“Threatened?Why?”
“Mostlikelybecausetherichprickdidn’thavetoshareasinglethinghiswholelife.”
Irollmyeyes.“Youarebothridiculous.”
“Me?Theguymadeitapointtoicemeoutthewholetime.WhenItriedtoplaywiththematCami’srequest,CalkilledmyBarbiebeforeIeverhadachancetojoin.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“How?”
“Mydolldidn’tlistentomymomandgotinastranger’scar.”
“Atleasthemadeitaneducationalexperience.”Icovermymouthtomufflemychuckle.
Wyattglares,andIenduplaughingharder.
“Don’tcallmenexttimeyouneedsomeonetobabysit.”
Iwrapmyarmsaroundhim.“Iloveyou!”
Hereturnsthegesture.“Whatever.NexttimeI’llbesmarterandsendhisBarbietojail.Maybeincorporatesomethingaboutbreakinglaws.”
Ilaughandpullaway.“Youdothat.”
Wyattseeshimselfout,leavingmetopickupthetoysleftoutafterCamiwenttobed.
“He’sgone?”Cal’svoicehasmejumpinginplace.
Iturntofacehim.“Youscaredme.”
“Sorry.Iwaswonderinghowlongitwouldtakehimtoleave.I’vebeenatitallnightwithnosuccess.”
“Hewasn’tgoingtoleaveuntilIgothome.”
“Seriously?Why?IcouldhavetakencareofCamiifyouhadaskedme.”
Hesounds…hurt?
No.Thatcan’tbe.
Canit?
Ituckthebinoftoysbackinitsshelf.“I’msorry.”
“Whydidn’tyouaskme?”HestepscloseruntilIcansmellhisaftershave.
Somethinginmychesttugshard.
“Lana.”
Ilookawayfromhisface.“TheguyIwaswithbefore…”
Caltakesadeepbreathashetuckshishandsintohispockets.
“IaskedhimafewtimestowatchCamiwhileIwentoutwithVioletandDelilah.Wyattdidn’tmindtakingcareofCami,butIthoughtitwouldbeagoodbondingopportunityforVictorandher,soIlethim.”Ireleasealaughthatbordersonhysterical.
Calabandonshisspotandswoopsmeintohisarms.
“Ireallywantafullnameforthisasshole.”
Iclutchthefabricofhisshirt,holdingontohimlikealifeline.“It’snotlikeanythingphysicallyhappenedtoher,butshewouldaskhimafewtoomanyquestionsandhewouldlosehiscool.Endedupyellingatherandmakinghercrymultipletimes.Evensenthertoherroomonce,likehehadanyrighttopunishher.”
“Iknowyoudon’tcondonephysicalviolence,butforhim,Ihopeyoumadeanexception.”
Ishakemyheadagainsthischest.“Ididn’tfindoutwhathappeneduntilafewmonthslater,oncewebrokeupoversomethingelse.CamikeptitasecretthewholetimebecauseshewasworriedIwouldchooseVictoroverher.Howfreakingsadisitthatmykidcouldn’ttellmesomeonehurtherbecauseshedidn’twanttoloseme?LikeIwouldeverchooseamanoverher.”Tearsbegintofall,soakingthematerialofhisshirt.
Herunsahandupanddownmyback,soothingmethroughmysobs.Ididn’tmeantocry,butthetearswon’tstopflowingnowthattheyhavestarted.
“I’msorryyouandCamihadtogothroughthattogether.ButIcanassureyou,Iwouldn’tdareraisemyvoiceatyourkid.That’sthelastthingIwouldwantaftergoingthroughsomethingsimilarmyself.”
Isniffle,tryingtofightbackthetears.“Iknowthat—deepdownIknowyouwouldn’t—butImademyselfapromiseafterIlearnedaboutwhatVictordid.”
“Whatpromise?”
“ThatIwouldn’tletanyonewhoIdidn’tfullytrusttakecareofCami.”
Hewinces,althoughhishandneverstopsrunningupanddownmyspine.“Iknowyoudon’thaveareasontofullytrustmeyet,butIknowonedayyouwill.”Hespeakswithabsolutecertainty,asifhewon’tacceptanyotheroption.
Honestly,I’mnotsurethereisanotheroneforCal.
“Look!Myname!”Cami’sarmsshakefromexertionasshedragsahugeboxbehindher.
Calhopsoffthecouchandhelpsherbringthepackageinsidetheguesthouse.
“Whatisthat?”IcheckoutthelabelwithCami’snameonit.Theboxisplainwithoutanykindofbrandingorcluetotellmewhereitisfrom.
Calkneelsonthefloorbesideher.“Cami’sbirthdaypresent.”
“Forme?”Shehitsanewoctavefromhowexcitedsheis.
Iblinkafewtimestoconfirmthefacts.“Yougotherapresent?”
CallooksupatmefromhisspotbesideCamionthefloor.“Yeah?”
“Butyou’realreadytakingustoDreamlandnextweek.”
“And?ItoldCamiIwouldbuildashipwithher.”
Camigasps.
Calcursesunderhisbreath.“Well,theregoesthatsurprise.”
“Swearsjar!”
Calsiftsthroughhiswalletandhandsherafifty-dollarbill.
Cami’sbrowrises.
“What?Iranoutofhundredsyesterday.”
“That’sokay.Fiftytimestwo.”Sheholdsuphertwofingerslikeapeacesign.
Istiflemylaughwiththepalmofmyhand,earningaglarefromCal.
Hislipsturnintoasmilebeforehehandsherasecondbill.“YoubetterinvitemetoyourgraduationwithhowmuchI’mpayingforyoureducation.”
“Okay!”Camitakesofffortheswearjar.Shedragsachairtowardthefridge,butCalswoopsinandstopsherbeforeshehasachancetoclimbit.
“I’llhelpyou.”Heliftsherintotheairsoshecandropthebillsinsidethejar.IalreadyhadtoemptyitlastweekwithhowoftenCalandIslipuparoundoneanother.
Someonemightneedtocalltheheartdoctorbecausemineisaboutreadytoexplodefromhowfullitfeels.IneverthoughtwatchingCalinteractwithCami—watchinghimcareabouther—wouldmakemyentirebodyfeelwarmandtingly.
Itakeaseatonthecouchandwatchthetwoofthemripopenthebirthdaypresenthegother.
Camipullsoutasecondnondescriptboxthatisthesizeofherentirebody.
“Uhhh.Whatisit?”Shestaresattheboxwithscrunchedbrows.
“Holdon.”Calpullsouthisphoneandsearchesforaphoto.
HeshowsittoCami,andshegasps.“PrincessMarianna’sship?”
“Wait.What?”Istandandpeekoverhershoulderatthephonescreen.Thepicturewastakeninaworkshopofsomesort,withwoodshavingseverywhereandabottleofglueonitsside.Inthecenterofthephoto,thereisareplicaofPrincessMarianna’sshipthatshewentsearchingforsunkentreasurein.
Calrubsthebackofhisneck.“IaskedRowantomakeussomethingspecial.HegothisCreatorstobaseitoffoneofthemodelshipsIrecommendedafterdoingsomeresearch.”
OhmyGod.MylegsshakefromhowweakinthekneesIfeel.“Howisthatevenpossible?”
“Foronce,itpaystohavetheKanename.”
Myheartdoesn’tstandachance.
CamiandCalopentheboxandpulloutthepieces,andIsitnexttothemwhiletheygetstarted.Ikeepoutofthewaywhiletheyworktogether.SometimesIofferassistancewhenshecan’tdowhatheasks,butforthemostpart,I’mhappytowatchthemworkwitheachother.ThereissomethingsweetabouthowpatientCaliswithCamiandthewayhetakestimetoanswerhereveryquestion.
Atonepoint,CamiclimbsintoCal’slapsoshecangetabetterlookatwhatheisdoing.Hefreezesforasecondbeforeclutchingherhandsandmodelinghowtoglueapiecetogether.
IalwaysknewCalwouldbeanincrediblefatheroneday,andhowhetreatsCamiisproofofthat,evenifhedoubtshisownskills.It’sinthelittlethingshedoeswithoutevennoticing.
Thepatience.Theunderstanding.ThereassuringwayhespeakstoCamiwhenshegetsfrustratedorupset.
ThelongerIstickaroundwatchingthem,themoreapparentitbecomesthatIdon’twantthistoendoncewesellthehouse.JusttheideaofCalleavingmakesmychestache,andI’mnotsurewhattodowiththatfeeling.
Therearesomanythingsstandinginourwayofevermovingforwardtogether—hisdrinkingbeingthebiggestone.ButIcan’thelpbutwonderwhatmighthappenifhegetsthatpartofhislifeundercontrol.Wouldwehavearealchanceatthelifewecouldhavehadsixyearsago?Couldweletgoofthepastandmakeafamilyofourown?
I’mtemptedtofindout.OnSaturday,Iwakeuptochaos.Lanaishunchedoverthecounter,finishingupCami’sbirthdaycakewhilethekidrunsaroundthekitchenincircles,tryingtostealfrostingfromthebowl.
“Gogetdressedbeforeeveryonegetshere.”LanapointsinthedirectionofCami’sroomwithoutglancingupfromhertask.
Camitakesoff,notlookingwheresheisgoing.Ijumpoutofherwaybeforeshecancrashagainstmylegs,savingusbothfromfallingover.
“Watchwhereyou’regoingthere.”
Hereyeslightup.“Sorry!”
“Happybirthday.”Irubthetopofherhead.
Shelaunchesherselfatmylegs,givingthemabigsqueeze.IneverthoughtIwouldcometocravehugsfromalittlekid,buteverytimeCamidoesit,IfeellikeI’mwinningatlife.Althoughmineisn’tputtogetherlikemybrothers’,LanaandCamimakemefeelwholeinawayajoboraninheritancecouldneverevenattempt.
MaybeDeclanandIriswereontosomethingwhentheysaidtheywantedawholebroodofkidsandadog.There’ssomethingaboutafamilythatcan’tbebeat
Camibreaksawayandrunsintoherroom,leavingLanaandmealone.
“It’sonlyninea.m.andIalreadyhaveaheadache.”Lanarubsherfacewiththebackofherhand,effectivelysmearingchocolatefrostingacrosshercheek.
Ican’tresistleaningforwardandlickingitoffherskinbeforeshehasachancetowipeitaway.Bloodbeginstoflowdownward,especiallywhenshelooksupatmewithhoodedeyes.
I’mtemptedtorecreateourfirstkisswithchocolateicingthistime.Lanaseemstohaveasimilarthoughtwiththewayhereyesdragfrommylipstothebowlbesideher.
“Tastesgreat.”Iwink.
Hereyesnarrow,althoughthebrightnessinthemdoesn’tquitefit.
Iwalkaroundherandsiftthroughthemedicinecabinet.“Here.”IpassLanatwoTylenolsandaglassofwater.
“Thanks.”Shesighsbeforeknockingbackthepills.
Ileanagainstthecounternexttoher.“Roughmorning?”
“Ihavelike,ahundredpeoplecomingoverintwohours,andI’mnotevenclosetobeingready.”
“Whatdoyouneedhelpwith?”
“Everything.”Sheslumpsagainstthecounter.
Igrabmyphoneandpullupanotetakingapp.
Sheshootsmealook.
“What?”Iaskwhenshedoesn’tsayanything.“IworkbestwithalistorelseImightforgetsomething.”
“You’rereallyofferingtohelp?”
“Sure.Idon’tmindifyouputmetowork.”Ismirk.
Sherollshereyeswithasmile.“Fine,butdon’tsayIdidn’twarnyou.”
Lanarattlesoffalistofrandomtasks,mostofwhichrequiremetodriveintotown.It’sevidentthatwitheachtaskItakeon,hertenseshouldersdropalittlemore.
“Bebacksoon.”Igiveheraquickkissonthetemplebeforeleavingthehouse.
Ittakesmeoverninetyminutestofinishallthetasks.Mycarisfilledtothemaxwithballoons,food,andafewlast-minutesuppliesLanaforgotatthestore.
BythetimeImakeitbackinsidetheguesthouse,it’sbeentransformedintoaPrincessMariannawonderland,withdecorationscoveringalmosteverysurface,streamershangingacrosstheceilinginfunpatterns,andahalf-completeballoonarchbehindthecaketable.
“Youmadeit!”Lanarushesoutofherroomandgrabstheballoonsfrommyhand.Shetiesthemtotheballoonarchtofinishit,althoughsheneedsmyhelpreachingthetallestpointtosecurethePrincessMariannainflatable.
“Youreallygoallout.”
Shelaughstoherself.“Toobadyoudidn’tseelastyear’stheme.CamiwantedaChristmas-themedbirthdaybecauseshedidn’twanttowaituntilDecember,soIturnedthebackyardintoawinterwonderland.MostofthetowndonatedtheirChristmasdecorations,soitendedupbeingepic.Blewoutthepowergridforthenightandeverything.”Shelaughstoherself,makingmychestwarm.
Igrabherbythehandandpullheragainstme.“IwishIhadbeenthere.”Iplaceasoftkissonthetopofherhead.
Shelooksupatmewithbattedlashes.“Idotoo,”shesaysandplacesaquickkissonmycheekbeforewigglingoutofmyembrace,brushingagainstmycockintheprocess.
Igroan.“Cruelwoman.”
“Sorry!Gottagetready!”Shedartsawaytowardherroomwithalaugh,leavingmewonderinghowthehellIspentsixyearsawayfromtheonepersonwhomademefeelwhole.
AndhowdoImakesureIdon’tspendanotherdaywithouthereveragain?
MyanxietyaboutspendingtimewithDelilah,Violet,Wyatt,andtherestofthetownwhohatesmeintensifiesastheclockgetsclosertonoon.ThemoreIhelpLanacarryeverythingoutside,themorerealthewholebirthdaypartybecomes.
Thefirstshotofvodkawasonlymeanttotaketheedgeoff.Iwasn’tproudofsneakingbackinsidetheguesthouse,butthefearofwhatmightgowrongoverrodemypride.
Musicplayingandpeopletalkingoutsideonlymakesmyanxietyworse,whichfuelstheviciouscycle.
I’mnothappywithmymomentofweakness,whichdrivesmetodrinksomemore.It’sapatheticsight.Mesittingonthefloor,nursingabottleofvodkawhileMerlinstaresfromtheothersideoftheroom,secretlyjudgingme.Idon’tstopuntiltheburninmythroatrivalstheoneinmychest.
BythetimeIpullmyselftogetherandgooutside,thepartyisinfullswing.Islidemysunglassesintoplacetohideanysignsofmysecret.
WyattliftshischininmydirectionbeforeresuminghisconversationwithacoupleothermenIdon’trecognize.
“Iwaswonderingwhereyouwent.I’vebeenlookingalloverforyou.”Lanaholdsoutaplasticinnertubeforme.“Camiwashopingyoucouldhelpherwiththisone.”
Igrabtheinflatablefromherhandswithoutspeaking.
“Iseverythingokay?”
“Yup.”Istickthelittleplasticnozzleinmymouthandstartblowing.
Herheadtilts.“Areyousure?”
Inod.
Sheplacesherhandagainstmycheek.Herfurrowedbrowsaddtotheshittyfeelingbrewinginmychest.“What’swrong?”
ThefactthatIdrankdespiteknowinghowmuchyouhateit.
Ileanawayfromhertouch.“Justtired.”
“That’sashamethenbecauseIhadplansforustonight.”Ateasingsmiletugsatherlips.
“I’msureI’llgetasecondwind.”
Sherisesonthetipsofhertoesandkissesmycheek.“Ihopeso.Afterourlasttime,Ioweyou.”
“I’mgoingtoholdyoutothat.”
“I’dexpectnolessfromyou.”Sheflashesmeaflirtysmilethathasmycockrisingintoaction.“ButyouhavetoleavebeforeCamiwakesup.Ifshecatchesustogether,shewillgointowedding-planningmode.”
Ilaugh.“Deal.”
SomethinginLanashiftsatthesound.Hernosetwitchesandhermouthpullsdownintoafrown.“Areyou…”Shestealsmysunglassesoffmyface.“Really?Atakid’sparty?”
Mystomachdrops.“Icanexplain.”
“Whybother?”Shethrowsmysunglassesatmebeforesheturnsaround.Herhipsswayasshewalksaway,temptingmetograbhersoshecanhearmeout.
Andsaywhat?Youdrankbecauseyoucouldn’thandleasix-year-old’sbirthdayparty?
Right.Becausethatdoesn’tsoundpatheticatall.
You’renobetterthanhersister,makingherupsetwithyourselfishchoicesandlackofcontrol.
ThethoughtofrelatingtosomeonelikeAntonellaonlyfeedsonmyfears,allowingthemtogrowuntilIhavenochoicebuttoescape.
Didyoureallyexpectanythinglessfromsomeonewhoissodamngoodatfuckingup?
Nope.Notatall.
Myanxietyandself-loathingfesterandgrowwitheachpassinghourofCami’sbirthdayparty.Forthemostpart,Ikeeptomyself,mainlybecauseWyatt,Delilah,andVioletmadeitobviousfromthestartthattheydon’twantanythingtodowithme.Iknowwhatmyoldfriendsthinkofme.It’sobviousinthewaytheystare.
I’mthedrunk.Thewashed-upathlete.Themanwhobroketheirbestfriend’sheart.
IcollectedmorebadtitlesthanIeverdidchampionships.
EvenLanahasdoneherbesttoavoidmesinceshefoundoutaboutmydrinking.SheandtheotherparentskeeptothecoveredseatingareathatwasaddedtothedockwhenIhaditredone.Theboatslipbesideitisempty,althoughtheextraroomgivesthekidsaplacetopracticetheirjumpsintothewater.
Noonecomestotalktome,minusCami,whomakesanefforttocheckonmeatleastoncebeforerunningbacktoherfriends.
Theicyglaresandwhisperstauntmydemonsoutofhiding,andI’mdriventofillmyhalf-emptycupofsodatothetopwithvodka.
IfLanaisgoingtobemadatme,Imightaswellnotsufferthroughthebuildup.Slowly,aftertwotripsinsidetheguesthouse,mymusclesloosenandthethickknotinmythroatdisappears.Thewarmthspreadingthroughmyveinsreplacesthecoldchill,justifyingmyreasontodrinkinthefirstplace.
Peace.
I’mnotsurehowlongIsitbymyself,swayingtothecountrymusicpouringoutofLana’sportablespeaker,butatsomepointWyattsneaksuponme.
“Here.”Wyattdropsacheeseburgerinfrontofmebeforetakingaseat.“Eatitandsoberup.”
I’mbarelybuzzed,yethespeakstomelikeI’masloppymess.
“I’mfine.”Ishovetheplateaway.
Hegrabsmycupandsniffs.“Stillmaskingyourissueswithvodka?”
Istealitbackanddraintherestofthedrinkinspite.“Whatareyoudoingherewithme?”
“Iwanttotalk.”
“Whatabout?”
“Youcan’tkeepdoingthistoAlana.It’snotfair.”
Mynailsbiteintomyskin.“I’mnotdoinganything.”
“You’releadingheronandmakingherbelieveyoutwohaveachance.”
“Becausewedo,”Iseethe.
Hegivesmeaboredonce-over,beingsuretodrivehomehowutterlyunimpressedheisofme.“Notifyoukeepthisup,youwon’t.ThisiswhyIknewitwasabadideaforyoutocomeback.Youaren’tready.”
I’mnotready?Readyforwhatexactly?
Ikeepmyfacecalmandcollecteddespitetheragebuildingwithin.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Tohelpyouforsomegoddamnreason.”
Ilaugh.“Whatdoyouknowabouthelpingsomeonelikeme?You’vegottheperfectlife.Happywife,goodjob,brightfuture.”
Hisgriponthepicnictabletightens.“Whydoyouthinkthatis?”
“Becauseyougotlucky?”
“No.BecauseIputinthework.”
Mylipspresstogether.
Hecontinues.“IfyouwanttoevergetAlanaback,thenyouneedtopullyourselftogether.Forrealthistime.Startingwiththis.”Hegrabsmycupandtossesitinthetrashbinnearby.
Myeyesnarrow.“Whyareyouhelpingme?”
“BecauseIwantwhat’sbestforAlanaandCami,evenifit’syou.”Hescowls.
“Soyouthinkshecoulddobetter.”
“Intheend,itdoesn’tmatterwhatIthinkbecauseshelovesyou,somaybeit’syouwhoshoulddobetterbyher.”
Myheartstallsinmychest.“Shelovesme?”
Hiseyesswingovertothedock,whereLanahelpsachildwiththeirfloatie.“I’mnotsuresheeverstopped.”
Ishakemyhead.“Shedatedsomeoneelse.”
“And?I’msureyoudidtoo.”
“Dated?Hellno.”
“So,youfuckedaroundthen.”
Myteethgrindtogether.TheperiodofmylifewhenIwasstillgettinghighonOxywaspossiblythelowestI’veeverstooped.JustthinkingabouttherisksItookandthepeopleIusedtogethighwithmakesmesicktomystomach.
Oncuelikealways,theacidinmybellychurns.
“Notthatit’sanyofyourbusiness,butIhaven’tbeenwithanyoneinovertwoyears.”
“Twoyears?That’s…”Hisvoicedropsoff.
ThesametimeIsawLanawithVictor.
IfLanafeltevenafractionofwhatIexperiencedwhenIfoundherkissingsomeoneelse,Ican’timaginethekindofpainshewentthroughreadingsomeoftheheadlinespostedaboutme.
ThepersonIwaswhenhighisn’tthemanIamnow.YetnomatterhowmanytimesIrepeatthesamewords,Ican’terasethedisgustIfeeltowardmyselfwhenIthinkbackonmypast.
Shamemakesmythroatcloseup.
Hislowwhistlegratesagainstmynerves.“Damn.”Heactuallylaughs.“That’srough.”
Hiscommentdragsmeawayfromthedarkthoughts.“Shutup,Eugene.”
Heflashesmeablindingsmile.“Delilahisnevergoingtoletthatonego.”
“Gladmysexlifeisanamusingtopicforallofyou.”Itakeabiteoutofmyburgertostopmyselffromsayinganythingelse.
Herubsthebackofhisneck.“Delilahwarnedmeagainstdoingthisbut…”Hisvoicedriftsoff.
“What?”
Hetakesadeepbreath.“Ifyouneedasponsor,I’mwillingtobeyours.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“You?”
Henods.“WehaveanAAgroupthatmeetsatthechapeleverynight.”
“Sincewhen?”Wyattwasalwayssqueakycleanandwillingtodoeverythingtoremaininthetown’sgoodgraces.Violetusedtocallitthequarterbackcomplex.ThebiggestscandalofWyatt’slifewashisparentsgettinganamicabledivorcewheretheybothstayedfriends
“Alittlelessthanayearafteryouleft,ItransferredtoaDetroitprecincttobeclosertomydadafterhisheartattack,butthethingsIsawwhileworkingthere…God.Theywouldhauntmeeveninmydreams.”HelooksoveratDelilah,whowavesathimwithhercane.Sheshootsmeaglarewhileslicingalineacrossherthroatwiththehandleofthecane.
Gladtoknowmypresencedrawssuchapassionfromher.
Wyattstealsmyattentionback.“Thetransitionfromsmall-townlifetothebigcitywashardIstruggledforalongtimewithPTSDandalcoholismbeforeIfinallygothelp.”
“Shit.Ihadnoidea,man.I’msorry.”Ireachoverandclaphimontheshoulder.
Heoffersmeaweaksmile.“You’renottheonlyonewhostruggled,youknow?”
Myheadhangs.“Isee.”
Lana.Wyatt.Se?oraCastillo.Thelistgoesonandon,makingmychestache.
Herisesfromthepicnictable.“Justthinkaboutit.Myofferwillalwaysstand,evenifyoudecidetomovebacktoChicagooncethehouseissold.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,really.Ioweittothemanwhousedtobemybestfriend.”Hetakesafewstepsaway,butIcallhisname.
Heglancesoverhisshoulder.“What?”
“Doesthismeanwe’refriendsnow?”
Hescoffs.“Absolutelynot.”
Thesmallsmileonhisfacemakesmebelieveitmightbecomeapossibilityoneday,though.
“Comeon!”Camigrabsmyhandandtugs,ineffectivelygettingmetorisefromthepicnictableI’vespentthelasttwohourswallowingat.
“What’sup?”Ilookaroundattheemptylawn.
“We’regoingtocutthecake!”Sheyanksharderthistime.“Youalmostmissedit.”
“Sorry.Iwasdaydreaming.”
“Dothatlater!”Shedigsherfeetintothegroundandpulls.
“Allright.Let’sgo.”ThelastthingIwanttodoisbestuckinsidetheguesthousewithabunchofpeoplewhodon’tlikeme,butifitmakesCamihappy,I’mwillingtobeanadultandsuckitup.
Afterall,whoamItodenythebirthdaygirl?
Irisefromthebench,mymovementsmuchmorefluidafterspendingthelasttwohourswithouttouchinganotherdrink.
Camidoesn’treleasemyhandasshedragsmeintotheguesthouseandplacesmebehindthecaketable.Lanastandsbesideme,herbodyasstiffashersmile.Everyoneelseremainsontheothersidewiththeirphonesintheair.Arangeofemotionsiswrittenacrosstheparents’faces.Surprise.Annoyance.Curiosity.
DelilahandWyattshareaknowinglookwhileVioletpretendsIdon’tevenexist,whichispossiblyevenworse.
Imovetotakeasteparoundthetable,butLanalatchesontomyhand.
“Camiwantsyouhere.”Herfaceremainscalm,cool,andcollected,althoughhereyesburnwithenoughangertomakemefrown.
Camilooksupatustwowithabigsmile.“Ready?”
Inod,mythroatfeelingimpossiblytight.
ThecrowdbeginssingingthehappybirthdaysongwhileCamiswaysonherfeet.Oncethesingingstops,Camiblowsouthercandles.Everyonecheersandclapsforher.
WhileLanaisbusycuttingthecake,Camibeckonsmecloser.
Ikneeldown.“What’sup?”
Sherisesonthetipsofhertoesandwhispersinmyear,“Iwishedyoucanbemynewdaddy.”
Iwishedyoucanbemynewdaddy.
God.Somehoweightwordsmakemykneesasweakasmyheart.
Iwrapmyarmsaroundherandsqueeze.“ThereisnothingI’dlikemorethanthat.”
AndImeaneverysingleword.Onceeveryoneleft,ItriedtopullLanaasidetotalk,butshethrewherselfintocleaningupthemessleftbehindaftertheparty.Wyatt,Delilah,andViolethelpedher.Insteadofsittingaround,Ijoinedeventhoughitwasobviousnoonewantedmeto.Themindlesstaskgavemetimetosoberupandthinkovereverythingthathappenedtoday.
BythetimeIthrewawaythelastbagoftrash,LanawasalreadymovingontoCami’sbedtimeroutine.
Iholdoffonbotheringheruntilanhourlater.WhenIturnthedoorknob,itdoesn’tmove.
Ipressmyforeheadagainstthedoorandsigh.“Lana.”
“Goaway.I’mtired.”
Icanonlyimagine.AfterspendingmostofthedayhostingCami’sparty,I’msurprisedsheisn’tasleepalready.
Myhandremainsgluedtotheknob.“Canwepleasetalk?”
“No.”
“I’mbeggingyoutogivemeafewminutesofyourtime.”
Hergroancomesoutmuffledduetothedoorbetweenus.“Ihavenothingnicetosaytoyourightnow.”
“Thentellmethenot-so-nicethings.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI’dratheryougetangryatmethanshutmeout.Idon’tthinkIcouldtakethatagain.”Itseemsimpossibletogobacktothewaythingswerebefore.I’mnotsureIwouldbeabletoliveinthesamehouselikethat,knowinghowgoodthingscouldbebetweenusifIhadmyshittogether.
“Youwanttofight?Fine.Let’sfight.”Shedragsmeinsideandshutsthedoor.
Iholdupmyhands.“Iknewitwaswrong.”
Shecrossesherarms.“Thenwhydoit?”
Myheaddrops.“BecauseIcouldn’thelpit.Beingaroundeveryone…knowingwhattheyprobablythinkofme…Itwastoomuchallatonce.”
Hereyesshutasshetakesafewdeepbreaths.“Ican’ttakethisupanddownagain,Cal.Ijustcan’t.”Hervoicecracks,matchingtheonethatformsacrossmyheart.“Ican’tmakeyouwanttogetsober.Andhonestly,Idon’twanttobeyourreasonforquittingalcoholinthefirstplace.Itdidn’tworkthelasttime,andit’snotgoingtothistimebecausesomethinglikethatneedstocomefromdeepinside.Anduntilitdoes,youwillnevergetbetter.ThatmuchIknow.”Shereleasesaheavyexhale.“I’mwillingtosupportyouthroughyourjourneytogetsober—IalwayshavebeenandIalwayswillbe—butonlyifyouarewillingtoputinthehardworkthatittakestofindbetterwaystomanageyourfeelings.”
AlltheprogressI’vemadewithLanaupuntilthispointslipsthroughmyfingers.
Iswallowpastthethicklumpinmythroat.“Icanchoosetobesober.”Ijustneedtime.AsmuchasIwanttotakeWyattuponhisoffertoattendthelocalAAmeetings,Ican’tdothatuntilIgotorehabfirst.I’vebeenthroughtheprocessenoughtimestoknowwhatIneed,anddailyAAmeetingsaren’tgoingtocutitrightnow.
Herlipsliftintoasmall,reassuringsmilethatcutsmemorethananyofherwords.“Iknowyoucan.Ineverstoppedbelievinginyou,evenwhenyougaveuponyourself.”
Iclutchherhandsandtuckthemagainstmypoundingheart.“Pleasegivemeuntilwesellthehousetogethelp.That’sallIask.”
Myhopedeflateswithasingleshakeofherhead.
“Please.”Ipressherpalmagainstmycheek,drawinghereyestowardmypleadingones.“Iwanttobesomeoneyoucancounton.Ireallyfuckingdo,butIcan’tcommittogoingbacktorehabuntilthehouseissold.”Desperationbleedsthroughmyvoice.
Theprocessofcombingthroughmypastandworkingthroughmyshitwillknockmeonmyassforweeksormaybemore,andI’mnotreadyforthatkindofemotionalpainuntilImeetmygrandfather’sdeadline.
Youmeanthedeadlineforaninheritancethatyouhaven’teventoldherabout?
Mystomachchurns,guiltclawingitswayupmythroat.
Youcouldtellher.
No,thevoiceofreasonspeaksup.
TellingLanaaboutmygrandfather’swillcouldriskeverything,andIdidn’tgothroughallthistroubletoproveI’mafailureyetagain.
Oneday,I’llbeabletotellherallabouttheinheritance,buttodayisn’tthatday—nomatterhowsicktomystomachIfeelbywithholdingthetruth.
Hergazepinsmeinplace.“Whocaresaboutsellingthehouse?”
“Ido.”Myvoicecracks.
Herlipspursewithdistaste.
You’relosingheralloveragain.
“Why?”sheasks.
“BecauseImadeacommitmenttosellingitandIcan’tbackdown.”Mythroatfeelsasifsomeonewrappedtheirhandarounditandsqueezed.
“Acommitmenttowho?”
“Myself.”Ispeakwithabsolutehonesty.
“What?”
“Youhavelotsofhappymemoriesinthathouse,andwhileIdotoo,it’snotenoughtomakemewanttokeepit.Notbyalongshot.”
Shevisiblyswallows.“Whynot?”
“Becauseitremindsmeofsomeoftheworstmomentsofmylife.ThemotherIlost.Thefatherwhonolongerexists.AgrandfatherwhoabandonedmewhenIneededhim.”Itakeadeepbreath.“Idon’tthinkIcouldevertrulymoveforwardwithmylifewiththathousestillhangingovermyhead.”ThewordsIspeakarecompletelytrue,yettheystillfeellikealie.
You’redoingthistoprotectyourbrothersandtheirfutures.
IfI’mdoingtherightthing,thenwhydoesitfeelsoshitty?
Herheadshakes.“Ifyou’reseriousaboutus,thenyou’dgoandgethelpbeforethisgetsworse,regardlessofneedingtosellahouse.Irefusetowatchhistoryrepeatitself—formeandformydaughter.”
“Itwon’tanymore.Icanpromiseyouthat.”
“HowamIsupposedtotrustyou?”
Asgoodaquestionasany,andonethatmakesmyheartpoundharderinmychest.
Iclaspontoherchin.“BecauseIcan’tsurvivelosingyouagain.GettingaglimpseofthelifewecouldhaveifIchangedisenoughtoconvincemethatIwillneverbehappierthanIamwithyou,evenifIhavealongwaytogobeforewecanmoveforwardtogether.YouaskedifI’mwillingtoputinthework?I’msofuckingready,Iwouldsellthehousetomorrow.”
Differentemotionsflickeracrossherface.
Sadness.Uncertainty.Resignation.It’sthelastonethatmakestheacidrollingmystomachunbearable.
Lanatakesafewdeepbreathsbeforepeekingupfromunderneathherlashes.“Thendoit.”
Myeyebrowstugtogether.“Dowhat?”
“PutthehouseonthemarkettomorrowbeforeweleaveforDreamland.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“Tomorrow?”
“Isthataproblem?You’retheonewhowantstosellitsoyoucanmoveonwithyourlife,sohere’syourchance.Contacttherealtorfirstthinginthemorning.”
Thetightnessinmychestmakesbreathinganearlyimpossibletask.“Ithoughtweagreedtoremodelthehousefirst.”
Whatareyoudoingquestioningher?Justagreeandtakeyourwinwhereyoucangetit.
Herchinquivers.“Plentyofpeopleputhousesonthemarketwhiletheyareinthemiddleofconstruction.Wecanjusthavetherealtorsharetherenovationmock-upsRydersentus,alongwiththeblueprints.”
Herplanislogicalandfoolproof,yetthelookonherfacehasmequestioningthewholething.
Ifyoutellherabouttheinheritance,you’renotonlylettingyourbrothersdown,butyourselftoo.
It’sonethingtofailmyself,buttoriskeveryoneelse’sfuture,includingIris’s,isn’tworthit.
Ireleaseapent-upbreath.“I’llcontacttherealtorandtherehabfacilityearlyinthemorning.”
I’mnotsureifleavingbeforetheendofthesummerisapossibility,butIwillcallLeobeforetofindouthoworifthatcouldaffectthewill.
Hopefullynot.I’vealreadyspentagoodportionofmysummerhere.
Sheblinkstwice.“Areyousurethat’swhatyouwant?”
I’veneverbeenmoresureofanything.Gettingsoberwasalwaystheendgoal,andLanaencouragedmetofindawaytogettheresooner.
“Yes.ThereisnothingIwantmoreformyselfthanafuturewithyou.”
Shebitesdownonherbottomlip.“It’snotjustmeanymore.CamiandIareapackagedeal.”
Iwrapanarmaroundherwaistandpullherflushagainstme.“YouandCamiaren’tadeal.Youtwoarealotteryjackpot,andit’stimesomeonetreatedyouboththatway.”IstareatCal,processingeverythinghesaid.I’veneverhadanyonespeakaboutCamiandmethewayhedoes.Hiswordsmakemyeyeswater,thetearsfrombeforethreateningtocomebackwithavengeance.
YouandCamiaren’tadeal.Youtwoarealotteryjackpot,andit’stimesomeonetreatedyouboththatway.
Mywholeheartfeelsimpossiblyfullandreadytoburst.IwanttobelievewhatCalsays.Thathewillgetbetter.ButIcan’tdenythetinyshredofdoubtwormingitswaythroughmyhappiness,threateningtopoisonitwithmyworries.
Asifhesensesmythoughts,Caltuckshisfingersundermychinandliftsmyhead.“Iknowyoudon’ttrustme.Notfullyatleast,andIdon’tblameyouonebit.So,pushmeaway.Getmadatmefordrinking.Icemeoutbecauseyou’reafraidoflettingmeinagain.Dowhatevermakesyoufeelsafe,happy,andincontrol.
“Butjustknowthatwhateveryoudowon’tchangethefactthatIwillkeepfightingforusandthefutureIknowwecanhave.Theonewedeservetohave.Whateveryoudowon’tstopmefromgettinghelp.Justlikeitwon’tstopmefromwantingtobeapartofCami’slifeinwhateverwayIcan,evenifwearen’ttogether.From—”
That’sit.
WatchingCallovemykidtothepointofwantingtostayinherliferegardlessofourrelationshipstatusisenoughtosnapthelastbitofrestraintIhave.
Icuthimoffwithasearingkiss.AkissIpourallmyfeelingsinto.Excitement.Fear.Adoration
Calmatchesmydesperation,hislipsteasingmeuntilI’mwildformore.Atinglespreadsdownmyspineasheslideshisfingersthroughmyhairandtugsmecloser.Hislipspressagainstmineandmatchmypace,turningmyworldupsidedownfromallthedifferentsensationsoverwhelmingme.
Everythingaboutourkissisamplifiedaswereacquaintourselveswithwhatwelike.
Thebrushofhistongueagainstmine,lightandteasing.
MylipsrippingawayfromhissolelysoIcanpullhisshirtoverhisheadandrunmyhandsdownhischest.
Hisstubblescrapingagainstmyneckashesucksonthesensitiveskinbelowmyear,bruisingitwiththeharshpullofhismouth.
Atonepoint,heliftsmeupandcarriesmetothebedwithoutbreakingourkiss.Istraddlehisthighsanddeepenit.Onequickgrindofmyhipsagainsthisstrainingerectioncauseshimtoreleasethesweetestgroan,andIsoakitup,drowningthesoundwithmylips.
Heonlybreakscontactforamomenttoremovemysleepshirtfromovermyhead.Hishandsneverstayinoneplacefortoolong.Theyglideovermybody,teasingandtouchinguntilI’mgrindingagainsthisthicklengthinafranticsearchforrelease
DesperationformoreofCalmakesmeimpatient.Thecombinationofmybodypressingagainsthisandmyrandomburstofstrengththrowshimoff-balance,andhefallsbackward,takingmewithhim.
Ourlipsbreakapart,andIpepperhisjawlinewithsoft,quickkisses.
“Lana,”Calmoans.
Ishiftmyattentiontohisneck.Mylipstraildownthecurve,suckingandnippingathisskinuntilhisfingersdigintomyass.Thebiteofpainisintoxicating.Thrilling.Addictive
Hethreadshisfingersintomyhairandholdsmeinplace.
“What?”Isuckharder,markinghisneckwiththememoryofme.
“Holdonasecond.”Hetugsonthestrands,pullingmeawayfromhisskin.
“Why?”Iwhine.“Doyouwantmetostop?”
Heshuddersbeneathme.“Fuckno,butIwanttomakesomethingclear.”
“What?”Myeyelidsshutwithasigh.
Hesqueezesthebackofmyneck.“Areyousureyouwanttodothis?”
Irollmybodyoverhisandpressdownhardagainsthisthicklength.“Doesthatclarifyyourquestion?”
“Iwanttohearit.”Hepresseshishandsintomyass,trappingmeontopofhiserection.
Heatpoolsinmylowerbelly.“Yes.We’redoingthis.Butifyouscrewup—”
Onemoment,I’montop,butinasinglesecond,IfindmyselfwithmybackpressedagainstthemattressandCalloomingaboveme,hisgazewildwithhunger
Ahungerforme.
“Screwingupisinevitable,butIpromisetomakeituptoyoueverysingletime.”Hetugsmyunderweardownmylegs.
“Howso?”
“Likethis.”Heripsmythighsapartbeforetrailingthesensitivefleshwithlightpecks.Slowly,hekisseshiswaytowardtheareabeggingforhisattention,onlytoretreat.Hismouthreturnstomyotherthigh,repeatingthesametorturealloveragain.
Ishimmymybodyclosertohismouth,onlytoearnalowchuckle.
“I’mnotabouttorushthiswhenIhavesixyearstomakeupfor,Lana.”
“Makeupforitlater,”Igroan.
Hetracesapathfrommyclittotheplacedesperatetobefilled.Histonguesinksinside,teasing,taunting,andtestinghowmybodyresponds.WheneverIreactacertainway,herepeatsthesamemovebeforeattemptingsomethingelse
Myentirebodyfeelslikeitisbeingengulfedinflames.
TheworldexplodesaroundmeasCalamplifiesthepressurebuildinginsidemewithafewflicksofhistongue.Ireachdown,desperateforsomekindofrelease.MyattemptiscutoffthemomentItouchmyclit.Calslapsmypussy.
Igasp.
“Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing?”Heteasesmyclitwithaquickflickofhistongue.Itrollsoverthesensitivebump,sendingapulsingwaveofpleasurethroughme.
“Makingmyselfcomesinceyou’renotupforthetask.”
“Theonlyonemakingyoucomeisme.”Hiseyessparkleashelooksupatme,hisstubbleshiningwithmyarousal.“TouchyourselfagainandI’llfindabetterwaytokeepyourhandsoccupied.”
Histhreatmakesmytoescurlandmyheartpound.Mybodytightens,theurgetodefyhimdrivingmemad.
Allittakesisonesinglepinchofmynippletosendhimreeling.
Calallbutdragsmeoffthebedandontomyknees.Thecarpetburnsmyskin,butthestingofpainisonlytemporarycomparedtotheheatrollingthroughmeasCalpinchesthesamenippleItouched.
“HandswhereIcanseethem,”heorders.
Ifliphimoffwithboth.
Hechuckles.“Youwanttoplay?”Hegivesmyothernipplethesameattention,teasingthehardpeakuntilmyheaddropsback.“Youwanttogetyourselfoff?”
“Yes.”Myfingernailsdigintomythighs.
“That’stoodamnbad.YoutouchyourselfwhenIsayyoucan.”Hetugshisshortsdown.Themoonpeeksthroughtheblinds,illuminatingeveryinchofhim.
Every.Single.Hard.Inch.
Salivapoolsinmymouth,thesheersizeofhimbringingallkindsofdirtythoughtstomind.
“JustlikeyoucomewhenIsayyoudo.”Hefistshiscockonce,drawingabeadofpre-cumfromthetip.“Openyourmouth.”
Idowhathesays.Hiscockslidesagainstmytongue,thetasteofhimoverridingallmyothersenses.Hepushesuntilmylungsburnandmyeyeswater.
“Breathe.”Hedoesn’tpullout.Doesn’tsomuchasretreatasingleinch,forcingmetobreathethroughmynoseandfightthepanicclawingatmychest.
Hereachesouttocupmychin.“Youlooksoprettywithyourlipswrappedaroundmycock.”Hisgazeslidesfrommetotheantiquemirroracrossfromus.Oureyescatcheachother’sinthereflection,andheholdsthatconnectionashewithdraws.
Goosebumpsbreakoutacrossmyskin,thesightofhimthrustinghiscockintomymouthnearlymakingmyeyesroll.
“Lookhowgoodyoutakeme.”Hishandslatchontomyscalpasheplungesintomymouthoverandoveragain,allwhileIwatchinthemirror.
Everythingabouthimentrancesme.
Theriseandfallofhischestwitheachpowerfulthrust.
Hismusclesripplingashefucksmymouth,usingmelikehisfavoritetoy.
Thewayhelooksatmewithaffectiondespitethewayheravagesmythroat.Likeourverysoulsarereconnectingagainafterbeingapartforyears.
Hepullsoutalltoosoon,leavingastringofsalivaconnectingtheheadofhiscocktomylips.
“Fuck.That’shot.”Hewipesthebeadofpre-cumoozingfromhistipandswipesitacrossmylips,brandingtheswollenfleshwithhisarousal.
Mytonguedartsout,teasingthepadofhisthumbbeforeswipingawayatthesaltyrelease.
Calthrowsmebackonthebedbeforedraggingmylegstowardtheedge.
“Areyouonthepill?”Hedipsafingerinsidemebeforereleasingaconfirmatorynoise.
Ishakemyhead.“Shot.”
“Condom?”Hepumpshiscockonce,thesightofhimseekinghisownpleasuremakingmyheartbeatharderagainstmyribcage.
“I’dratherfeelyoucomeinsideme.”
Hegroans,makingmefeellikeaqueen.Iwrapmylegsaroundhiswaistandpullhimcloser.Myheartpoundsinmychestasheleansforwardandlineshimselfup,hisfingersgrippingintomyassasheanglesmehigher.
Thereisnowarning.Nosweetwordswhisperedinmyear.Noeasingmeintothesituationashethrustsinsidemeinonesinglestroke,makingmyeyeswaterandmylegsshakearoundhimasItakeallofhim.
Mybackcurvesuptotheceilingasheseatshimselftothehiltinsideofme.
Heleansforward,pressinghisweightintome.“Youknowwhatyoufeellike?”Thereisaslighttrembletohisvoice.
Ishakemyhead.
“Youfeellikehome.”Heretreats,onlytoslamintomeagain.“LikeIspentthelastsixyearslostwithnowayofbeingabletoreturn.AsifIwasstuckinanendlessnightwithnolighttohelpguidemebacktoyou.”Heliftsmehigherthistime,changinghisangleasheslidesinslowerthistime,drawingoutourpleasure.
Mylegstightenaroundhisbody,tugginghimforwarduntilhehoversovermeagain.
WhatevercontrolCalhadoverthesituationsnapsashethrowsmylegsoverhisshouldersanddriveshimselfinsidemewithenoughpowertopushmebackward.Igraspthecomforterandtakehisthrusts.
Pleasurebuilds,myorgasmslowlyrisinglikethebeginningsofawave.Iwanttogiveinbuttheurgetoholdouthasmefightingbackthepressurebuildinginmylowerbelly.Caltakesmylackoforgasmasachallenge.Histhrustsdeepen,stealingmybreathawaywitheverysinglepush.
Whenhecatchesmeslippingbackward,hepullsmebackandwrapshisfingersaroundmythroat,holdingmeinplaceashedrivesintomewithabandon.
Shit.Hefuckslikeamanonthebrinkofmadness.
“Cal,”Irasp.
“Saymynamelikethatagain.”Hishandaroundmynecktightens.
“Cal.”Igaspashiscockbrushesagainstthesensitivespotinsideme.Herepeatsthesamemove,andmybackarchesasifpulledbyastring.
MylegshangingoverhisshoulderstrembleasIexplode.
Caldoesn’tstopthrustinguntilanotherorgasmbuildsinsideofme.Thistime,hefollowssoonafterme,hisbodyshudderingfromhisrelease.Hispumpsbecomeshallower,hismovementsjerkierasherideshisorgasmuntiltheend.
Hecollapsesagainstme,drivingusbothdeeperintothemattress.Ibrushthroughtheslickstrandsofhishairwithmyfingers.
Hepressesachastekissagainstmyskin.“Idon’tdeserveyou.”
“Thenbecomethemanwhodoes.”IrunmyhandsthroughLana’shair.ShealwayslovedwhenIwouldplaywiththestrandsuntilshefellasleep.Myowneyesbegintodroop,post-sexdrowsinesstryingtopullmeunder.
Timetogo.
I’mnotreadytoleave,althoughIknowI’mgoingtohaveto.It’sinevitablewithCamiinthehouse.
“IshouldgobeforeIfallasleep.”Myfingersrundownherback,tracingthegoosebumpsbreakingoutacrossherskin.Shesnugglesdeeperintomychestandthrowsherlegovermine.
“Idon’twantyoutoleave,”shegrumblesagainstmyskin.
Ichuckleanddropasoftkissonthetopofherhead,earningasweetsighfromher.“Iknow,butIdoubtyouwanttowakeupinthemorningtoCamiaskingyouahundredquestionsaboutus.”
Sheflinchesagainstme.
Thisisexactlywhyyouneedtoleave.
Becausenomatterwhathaschangedbetweenus,Lanawillalwaysprotectherdaughterfirst,evenifitmeanshidingwhatweareuntilshetrustsmefully.
“It’snotthatI’mashamed…”Hervoicetrailsoff.
“Igetit.”Andwithmeleavingtorehabsoon,it’sprobablyforthebest.Ihaveeveryintentionofcomingback,butCamiwon’tunderstand.
Shereleasesaheavysigh.“ShewassoexcitedaboutVictor.”
Iwinceandmyhandsremainfrozenagainstherback.
Lanatracesaninvisiblepatternagainstmychest.“Iwascarefulatfirstanddidn’thavethemmeetuntilIwassureheandIwereserious.”
Theonlythingkeepingmefromslippingawayishersofttouchteasingmyskinandmygrowingcuriosityatwhathappened.
“Hepressuredmeintomeetingher.Thatshouldhavebeenthefirstsignofmanythathewasn’tagoodmatch,butIfeltsodamnlonelyandwasscaredoflosingtheonepersonwhomademefeelafractionofwhatwehad.”Hervoicecracks,andmyarmstightenaroundher.
Ireleaseaheavysigh.
It’sonlyrightyoulistentoeverywordsinceyou’retheonewhodroveherintothissituationinthefirstplace.
I’manexpertatself-inflictedtorture,soIcanhandleoneuncomfortableconversation.
“Inthebeginning,thingsweregood.Camiwashappywithhim.Evenaskedmeafewtimesifweweregoingtogetmarried,althoughshestoppedaskingafterthefirsttimehebabysather.”Hervoicewavers.
Ipresshertighteragainstmychest.“Youdidn’tknow.”
Shepeeksupatmewithglassyeyes.“Shouldn’tIhave,though?She’smykid.I’msupposedtoknoweverylittlethingabouther,yetIcouldn’tevennoticethat.”
“Hewasanasshole.”
“Iknowthatnow,butImissedthesigns.Itwasn’tuntilshetimidlyaskedmeifhewouldbecomeherdaddythatIfinallystartedputtingthingstogether.”
Mylungsstall,andahotspikeofpainshootsthroughmychest.Idon’tspeakinfearofmyvoicegivingmeaway.
Iwishedyoucanbemynewdaddy.
DidshewishthesameaboutVictor?
Lanacontinues,unawareoftheshiftinmymood.“WhenIquestionedheraboutit,shetoldmeshewouldrathernothaveadaddyatall.ItwasthefirstwarningsignthatIactuallylistenedto.Becausemygirlisaromanticthroughandthrough,eversinceshewatchedherfirstDreamlandprincessmovie.SheevenwroteletterstoSantaaskingforadaddy,onlytobedisappointedwhenhersearchunderthetreecameupempty.”
Alaughexplodesoutofme,followedbyrelief.
Shedidn’twantVictortobeherdad.
Shewantedyou.
It’sterrifyingyetempoweringallatthesametime.
AsmallsmileteasesLana’slips.“OneyearIhadtowriteafakeletterfromSantatoletherknowthathecanonlydelivertoys,notpeople.”
Mychestshakeswithsilentlaughter.“Ashame.”
“Ashameindeed,untilshetookitupwiththenextbestperson.”
“Who?”
“TheEasterBunny.”
Myheadshakes.“Sheisthecutestkidever.”
Shesinksintome,herbodymeltingagainstmine.“Ithinkso,butit’snicetohearitfromsomeoneunbiased.”
Ichuckle.“Oh,Iwasbiasedthedayshehustledmeoutofsixhundredbucks.”
“Youdidn’tstandachance,didyou?”
“LookslikeCastillowomenaremyoneweakness.”
“Onlytheone?”Shegrins.
Ikissthestupidsmileoffherface.Shereciprocates,matchingmyfirewithoneofherown.I’mnotsurehowIsurvivedsixyearswithoutthis.Withouther.ThewayIfeelaroundLanamakesthewholeworldpaleincomparison.LikeI’vebeenstucklivingmylifeinblack-and-white,onlytohaveitswitchedtocolor.
I’mnotsureIcangobacktoalifewithouther.
Youwon’thaveto.
SolongasIcommittoworkingonmyself,IcanhaveLanaforever.
Justlikeyouweremeantto.
IpoureverythingIfeelintomykiss.Desire.Love.Hope
Lanawrapsherarmsaroundmeandtugsmecloser.Everythingaboutusfeelsright.Liketwohalvesofapuzzlefinallyjoined.
I’mdesperatetokeeptheconnectiongoingforaslongasIcan.Itease,suck,andkisseveryinchofherbodyuntilsheiswrithingbeneathme,chantingmynamewithdesperation.
Itdoesn’ttakelongbeforeIfindmyheadbetweenherthighsagain,worshipingherbodylikeIwasalwaysmeantto.Thecombinedtasteofherandmeisaddicting,andIcan’tstopteasinghercuntuntilshecomesonmytongue,rewardingmeformyhardwork.
Somehow,Iendupbeneathherwithmybackpressedagainsttheheadboardwhilesheridesmycock.
Everygasp.Everymoan.Everylittlesighpushesusclosertowardtheedge.
IdragLanadownwithme,teasingherclituntilshecomesaroundmydick.Shedoesn’tstopmovinguntilshecomesdownfromherorgasm.Herbodygoesslack,andshefallsagainstmychestwithacontentsigh.
MyhandsgripherhipsasIliftherupanddownmycock,desperatetofindmyownrelease.Herheadrollsback,givingmetheperfectopportunitytotakeoneofhernipplesintomymouth.
Shequiversaroundme,takingeveryinchofmelikeshewasmeantto.
“Cal.”Shegripsmyhairandtugs,makingmyscalppricklefromthesensation.
“Youlikethis?”Islamheragainstmydick,earningagasp.“Drivingmewild?”
Shereachesbetweenusandteasesherclit.
Fuck.That’shot.
OneofthethingsIloveaboutLanaisthatshehasneverbeenshyaboutseekingherownpleasure.HerfingeraccidentallygrazesagainstmycockasIslideoutofher,makingmecomesohardInearlyblackout.Lanacontinuesridingmycock,playingwithherclituntilsheorgasmsagain.
Hersmallsmileoftriumphdrawsoneofmyown.IthitsmethenthatLanadoesn’tjustfeellikehome—shefeelslikemyeverything.
IstayinsideherforaslongasIcan,settlingbackintothemattresswhileholdinghertomychest.Herbreathingevensouteventuallyassheslipsintounconsciousness,andI’mleftgrapplingwiththeemotionsshestirredup.
Atsomepoint,Idriftofftothesoundofhersteadybreathing.
I’llgetupinaminute,Irepeattomyselfforthethirdtime
Ilied.
“Mommy!Wakeup!We’regoingtoDreamlandtoday!”Camibangsagainstthedoor.
Lanaboltsupright,thesheetfallingaroundherwaist.“OhmyGod!Whatareyoustilldoinghere?”shewhisper-shouts.
“Fuck.”Igrabapillowandcovermyhead.“Ifellasleep.”
“Youneedtohide!”Sheripsthepillowawayfrommyhandsandthrowsittowardtheendofthebed.
“Mommy?Didyouhearme?”Camislamsherpalmafewmoretimes.
“Coming!Whydon’tyougoaheadandpickoutyouroutfitfortoday.”
“Okay!”Cami’svoicesoundsfartherawaywhensheanswers.
Lanashootsmealookassheslidesoutofthebed,distractingmewithhernakedbodyasshedartsaroundtheroom,collectingourclothes.Shethrowshershirtoverherheadbeforebrushingherfingersthroughherwildwaves.
“Getdressed.”Shethrowsmyshortsatmychest.
“I’mgoing.”Ireluctantlyclimboutofbed.
Lana’seyeswidenasshepressesahandagainsthermouth.
“What?”Ilookdownatmyerection.“This?”Igiveitafewpumps,earningahissfromLana.
“No.I—”Hereyeswiden.“I’msosorry.”
“What’swrong?”Iturnandlookatmyreflectioninthemirror.
Damn.
Lanaleftsomesouvenirsofourtimetogether.Besidesthefewhickeysmarkingmyneckandchest,myskiniscoveredwithfaintscratchesandacoupleofbitemarks.
Irunmyhandoveroneofthemarks.“Ifyouwantedtomarkyourterritory,atattoomighthavebeenmoreeffectiveinthelongrun.”
“Shutup.”Shetossesmyshirtdirectlyatmysmirk.
Ipullherinforaquickkiss.Herlipsmoldtomine,andIrunmyhandsdownherbody,tracinghercurvesbeforegivingherassasqueeze.
IpullawayalthoughI’drathernot.“YoudistractCamiandI’llsneakout.”
Sheplacesaquickpeckonmycheek.“Deal.”
Fortunately,therealestateagentisabletodropbyearlySundayafternoon.WithusleavingtoDreamlandtonightforCami’sbirthday,IwanttomakesureeverythingwiththelakehouseissettledwhileWyattandDelilahtakeCamioutforlunch.
Themeetingwiththeagentgoessmoothly,andheassuresmethatthehousewillbeputonthemarketfirstthingtomorrowmorningwhileweareinFlorida.
Ishouldbehappywiththatkindofnews.Thrilledeven.ThesoonerIsellthehouse,themoreliberatedIwillfeel.Hopefully,theheavyweightpressingagainstmychestthathasbeenpresentsincelastnight’sconversationwilllessenbeforedisappearingaltogether.
Lanastayedquiet,keepingtoherselfwhilewereviewedthelogisticsofthesaleandourpricetag.Sheonlyspokeupaftertheagentsaidgoodbyeandaskedmetodoonelastwalkthroughofthehousebyourselves.Shesavesthekitchenforlast,somethingIknowisintentionalgivenhowmuchtimeshespendsinsideofit.
Sheopensthepantrydoorandfrowns.“Hmm.”
“What?”Ipeeroverhershoulder.
“Justwaswonderingifthey’regoingtopaintoverthisorreplacethedoorandtheframealtogether.”
“Probablyreplaceit.”
Shemakesanindiscerniblenoise.
“What?”Iaskatthesightofherfrown.
“It’sashame.”Shetracesthedifferentmarksetchedintothewoodenframe—allwritteninhermother’shandwriting.Fivedifferentinitialsinvaryingcolorsmarktheentireside:RGK,DLK,CPK,AVC,andCTC.RowanandDeclan’sheightswerenolongerrecordedoncetheystoppedvisitingthelakehouse,whileminecontinuesuntilmyfinalsix-fourmarking.
“YouaddedCami’sheight?”Isquatdownandtraceoverthefirstsmallpinkmarkatthebottom,whichisbarelytwofeettall.
“Yeah.Mymomthoughtitwouldbeafunidea.”Lanalooksatitwithawaterysmile.“Camicouldn’tevenstandyet,butIheldherupwhilemymomusedtherulertomarkherspot.”
“Youmissher,”Istate.
“Allthetime.”Shelooksaroundthekitchen.“Beinghere…itfeelslikeI’mstillconnectedtoher.Shespentamajorityofhertimeinthekitchen,cooking,cleaning,eating.Itwasherfavoriteplaceinthewholehouse.”
“Andyours.”
“Mostdefinitely.”Lanagivesthekitchencounteralovingpat.“It’shardtobelievethatbytomorrow,allofthiswillbegone.”
“Crazy,huh?”Ileanagainstthecounterbesideher.
“Ifmymomwerehere,shewouldhavebeenexcitedtosaygoodbyetothecounters.SheprobablywouldhavebeggedRydertolethertakeasledgehammertothemherself.”
Igrin.“Really?”
“Ohyeah.Shewarnedyourgrandpaagainstpickingbluetileasacountertop,buthewasveryinsistent.Momsaiditwouldn’tagewellandshewasright.Plus,shehatedcleaningthegroutallthetime,andafterbeingstuckdoingthesame,Icompletelyagree.”Lana’snosetwitcheswithdistaste.
“ThatwasBradyforyou.Stubbornasamuleandalwaysthinkingheknewbest,evenwhenhedidn’t.”
Shewalkstowardthewindowabovethesinkandlooksoutatthelake.“Istillhaven’twrappedmyheadaroundthefactthatwe’resellingthehouse.”
NeitherhaveI.“AreyougoingtotalktoCami?”
Herfingersclutchingontothecountertwitch.“AfterwecomebackfromDreamland.”
“Shewillunderstand.”Iwalkupbehindherandplacemyhandsontopofhers.
“Ihopeso.Ijust…”
“What?”
“I’mscaredtoletgo.”Hervoicecracks.
“Lana.”Iturnherfacetowardmine.Hergazeremainsgluedtothelakeoutside.“Lookatme.”Theglassinessinhereyesgutsme,andI’mquestioninggivinguponmygrandfather’staskaltogether.
“Wecancallthisoff,”Iblurtout.
Areyou…
Alovesickidiot?Absolutely.Sueme.
Ifyoudon’t,yourbrotherswill.
IshovethethoughtsofRowanandDeclanoutofmyhead.
Hereyesshut.Whentheyopenagain,thewaterysheenisgone.“No.”
“Areyousure?”
Herfingersinterlacewithmine,banishingthecolddreadspreadingthroughmyveins.“Iwantyoutobehappy.”
Mylipspresstogether.Ifeellikethebiggestdickontheplanetforkeepingthetruthfromher.
Youdon’thaveachoice.
Well,IwishIdid.Mygrandpa’swillmakesmefeelhelpless.Dirty.Dishonest
“Wecanstartsomewherenew.”Shesighs.Heruseofthewordwedrawsasharpbreathfrommeandlatchesontomyheart,breakingthroughthescartissue.
Igiveherhandareassuringsqueeze.“I’dlikethat.”
WhileLanaandCamipackforthetrip,Isitinsidemycarwithmyphonepressedtomyear.
“CallahanKane.TowhatdoIowethepleasureofthiscall?”Theeasygoingtoneofmygrandfather’slawyer’svoicedrawsasmallsmilefromme.
“Ihaveaquestionforyou.”
“Whatisit?”
“WhenmygrandfatheraskedmetostaythewholesummeratLakeWisteria,washespecificabouthowlong?”
“Idon’trecalloffthetopofmyhead.Wouldyoulikemetocheckthewill?”
“Yes,please.”
“Givemeamoment.”PapersrustleandLeobreathesheavilyintothemicrophone,hisconfirmatorynoiseonlyaddingtothegrowingtensioninmyshoulders.
“Onehundredandtwentydays.”
Shit.
“Isthereanywayofgettingaroundthat?”Mymolarssmashtogether.
Heonlygrumblestohimself.
Thatcan’tbegood.
“What’stherush?”heasks.“Youonlyhaveamonthleft.”
“Ineedtocheckmyselfintorehabnextweek.”
“Rehab?”Hisvoiceperksup.It’sastrangewaytoreacttosomeonewhoclearlyhasanissuewithalcohol,butLeowasalwaysaweirdguy.That’swhyheandmygrandfathergotalongsodamnwell.
“Yes.IhaveaplacelinedupinArizona,butthewillisholdingmebackfromgoing.”
Morepapersshiftinthebackground.“Isee.”
“Well,Ican’t,sodoyoumindsharing?”Ishutmyeyesandtakeadeepbreathtocalmmyfrayingnerves.Withoutanyalcoholtotaketheedgeoffthisconversation,I’mstuckfacingmyanxietyhead-on.
Lovely.
“Yourgrandfatherwaswillingtoadjustthetimeperiodononecondition.”
“Letmeguess:IfIgotorehab.”
Helaughs.“No.”
Myshouldersslump.“Thenwhat?Doeshewantmetotakeabreathalyzertesteverydayforthenexthowevermanydays?Ormaybehewantsmetobehomeboundwithababysitter?”
“Nothingquitethatsevere.AllhesaidwastherequiredfourmonthsatLakeWisteriacouldbenullandvoidifyouearnagreenchip.”
“Agreenchip?”
“FromAA.”
MylipspresstogetherasIconsidermytwoothertimesattendingAlcoholicsAnonymous.GreenwasacolorIachievedyetlostnotlongafter.
Mygriparoundthephonetightens.“Andyoudidn’tthinktotellmethisbeforeImovedin?”
“Iwasn’tatlibertytosayunlessyoucametomefirstregardingsobriety.Yourgrandfatheremphasizedtheimportanceofyoumakingthischoiceonyourown,sohedidn’twantyoutofeelenticedtogetsoberforaninheritance.”
Iclosemyeyestostoptheworldfromspinningaroundme.
Leoclearshisthroat.“YourgrandfatheralreadychoseanAAprogramforyouaswell.”
Mylaughcomesoutforced.“Ofcoursehedid.”
Themotherfuckersetmeup.
MygrandfatherhadtohaveknownthatifIcamebackhere,itwouldonlybeamatteroftimebeforeIwouldwanttogetsoberagain.
“WillyoupleasesendmetheinformationsoIcantakealook?”Iask.
“Ofcourse.I’llhavemyassistantsendyouthatandthephonenumberforthepersontocontact.FromwhatI’veheard,it’sasmallgroupforthosewhorequirediscretion.”
Fantastic.Can’twaittospendmyAAmeetingswithabunchofrichsnobswhocan’tgettheirshittogetherdespitehavingaccesstoeverything.
“Sellthehouseandgetmethatgreenchipsowecangettherestoftheinheritancesquaredaway.”Hespeakswithalightandairytone,asifgettingsoberisasimpletask.
Nobigdeal.Myteethgrindtogether.“Right.Thanks,Leo.”Myfingerhoversovertheredendcallbutton,butLeo’svoicestopsme.
“Justknowthatyourgrandfatherwouldbereallyproudofyou.Everychoicehemadeupuntilhisaccidentwasmeticulouslythoughtout.”
“Evensellingthehouse?”
“Especiallythat.ForyouandMs.Castillo.”ThankstotheKanebrothers’familyjetandCal’sconnections,CamiandIareleavingMichiganforthefirsttimesinceIbroughtherhomewithmealmostsixyearsago.Thewholeadoptionprocessfeelslikeithappenedalifetimeago.WhenImetCamiforthefirsttimeintheNICUwhileshewasbeingweanedoffdrugs,Iwasbarelytwenty-fouryearsoldandwasstillnursingahugeheartbreak.
ThesocialworkerassignedtohercasegavemetheeasiestchoiceofmylifewhenIarrivedinCalifornia.
AdoptCamiorletsomeoneelsedoso.
Bestdecisionever,IsaytomyselfasIcheckoutCami.Shehashercat-earheadphonesonwhileshewatchesanepisodeofherfavoriteshowontheflatscreenembeddedintothewallofthejet.Itriedtositnexttoher,butshewantedthecouchalltoherselfbecausemygirlisacushionhog,soCalandIsettleintothecaptain’sseatsdiagonaltohers.
TheflightattendantpassesCamiajuiceboxbeforeplacingourwatersonthetableinfrontofus.IplacemywirelessearbudsinmyearsonlytohaveCalstealone.
“Iforgotmine.”Hisfingerslockwithmine,sendingablastofwarmthupmyarm.
“AreyougoingtoplaysomethingorshouldI?”Hemotionstowardmyphoneonthetable.
Ihitplayandsettleintothechair.Calflipsmyhandoverandstartstorunthetipsofhisfingersacrosstheinnerpartofmyarm.
“Cosquillas?”Igasp.
Hislipsformintothesweetestsmile.“Somethingsneverchange.”
MylipspurselikeIsuckedonsomethingsour.“I’vechanged.”
Heraisesabrow.“How?”
Ipausethemusictoanswerhim.“Well,forstarters,Ilikecountrymusicnow.”
“Talkaboutametamorphosis,”herepliesdryly.
Igivehisshoulderashove.
Heonlylaughsashelatchesontomyhandagain.“Whatelse?”
“Iwentfullvegetarianforayearafterwatchingadocumentary.”
Hiseyesstretchwide.“Wasyourmotheraliveatthetime?”
“Yes.ShewascompletelyhorrifiedbytheideaandunofficiallyrevokedmyColombiancitizenship.”
Hechucklesunderhisbreath.“Thatsoundsjustlikeher.Thatwomanlovedherchurrascomorethananything.”
“Iknow.WhydoyouthinkIstartedeatingmeatagain?Shedidn’tgivememuchofachoice.”
Hissmilewidens.
“Also,I’mnowamorningperson.Nomoresnoozingandskippingalarmsforme.”
“Shame.Iusedtolovefindingnewwaystomotivateyoutogetoutofbed.”Hesmirks.
Myeyesroll.“Morelikeyoufoundwaystokeepmeinbedforaslongashumanlypossible.”
“Itwasanobleeffort.”
“Theonlythingnobleaboutyouwasyourcommitmenttomakingmecomefirst.”
“It’sanobsession,notacommitment.”
Webothlaugh.Icontinuetellinghimaboutthedifferentthingsthatchangedforme,whichinrealityaren’tmanyonceIlistthem.Themostlife-alteringeventwasbecomingamother,andCalalreadyknowsallaboutthat.
“Whataboutyou?Anythingchanged?”Inudgehimwithmyshoulder.
“Mylifeisprettyuneventful.”Hesighs.
“That’snottrue.You’reacatdad.”
“Right.Thepinnacleofmyliferightthere.”
“Nojob?”
“Nope.”Hetapshisfingersagainsthisthighinarandompattern.
“Comeon.Somethinghastohavechangedinsixyears.”
“I’mnolongerafraidofclowns.”
“What?”Igasp.“Sincewhen?”
“SinceIrisconvincedmetogotoahauntedHalloweenmaze.Turnsoutthethemethatyearwas—”
“Clowns?”Mypitchrises.
“Ishouldhaveknownshewassettingmeupthemomentsheaskedmetogowithher.Idon’tdohorror,butforher,Iwaswillingtoputonabravefaceandtry.Plus,Declanseemedpissedwhenshetalkedaboutusgoingouttogether.”
“Whydidn’tyouturnaroundandleavewhenyoufoundoutthetheme?”
“BecauseIrisblackmailedme.”
“How?”
“ShethreatenedtoreleasethisvideoifIditchedher.”Calpullsouthisphoneandplaysavideoofhimusinganumbrellaasaweaponagainstacreepyclown.
“IthinkIloveher.”Iwipethetearsfrommyeyesaftertheminute-longvideofinisheswithCalshrieking.
“I’mpositiveyoutwowillbecomeinstantbestfriendsthemomentyoumeet.”
Mychestwarms.“Ican’twaittosharethephotoIhaveofyouatyourfifthbirthdayparty.”
Hiseyesbulge.“Tellmeyoudidn’tsavethat.”
Igrin.“OfcourseIdid.Italwaysmakesthebaddaysbetter.”
Hishandholdingontominetightens.“Ihaveoneofthosetoo.”
Mycheeksheat.“Pleasedon’tsayit’stheoneofmetryingonmakeupforthefirsttime.”
Hiseyesspark.“No,althoughthatoneisaclassic.”
Iscratchmyhead.“IthoughtIgotridofallmymom’sincriminatingphotos.”
Heshrugs.“Maybeyoudidn’t.”
Ishakehisshoulders.“Youneedtotellmewhichone.”IwillnotrestuntilIknowwhichembarrassingphotoCalkeepsofmeforthebaddays.
“Relax.Iwasjustjoking.Iswearit’snotbad.”
“LikeIshouldbelieveyou,”Iscoff.
Hiseyesrollashepullsaphotooutofhiswalletandtossesitonmylap.“Considerthisourfirsttestintrustingoneanother.”
MyhandsshakeasIliftthephotoCalsavedinhiswallet
“Isthis…”Iflipthephoto,answeringmyquestionforme.
Getdrunkonlife,notalcohol.
Love,
Lana
“Yousavedit.”Iturnitoveragainandstareattheyoungerversionsofus.Thephotohaslightenedwithageandlightexposure,andtheedgeshavewornovertheyears.“Thisiswhatyoulookatonthebaddays?”
Heswipesthephotofrommyhandsandtucksitbackinsidehiswallet.“Yup.”
“Ofallthephotos,whythisone?”Myvoiceshakes.
“BecauseitremindsmethattherewasonceatimewhenIwastrulyhappy.”
Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandpullhimintoahug.“Iwantyoutobetrulyhappyagain.”
Hisarmstightenaroundme.“I’mgettingthere.”
TheprivatecardropsusoffatthefanciesthotelDreamlandhastooffer.Caltakesusuptoapenthousesuitewithitsownprivateelevator,chef’skitchen,movietheaterroom,andaperfectviewofthelakethatmakesupalargepartoftheKaneCompanyproperty.
“Thisissocool!”Camigetslostsomewherebetweenthediningareaandthechef’skitchen.
NeverinmylifehaveIstayedsomewherequitelikethis.
Rowan,Cal’sbrotherwhoIhaven’tseensincehewaswearingbracesandfreakingoutovercomicbooks,leftanoteabouttheall-accessVIPpasses.
Food.Drinks.Behind-the-scenesexclusiveexperiences.
I’vespentmywholelifearoundtheKanes’wealth,butthisisthefirstrealtimeI’mabletoenjoyitmyself.SinceCalsaidtosparenoexpense,IcallroomserviceandorderthreeexpensivesteaksandanoverlypricedbottleoforangejuiceforCami.
IhaveaMichelinstartasteonaBettyCrockerbudget,soImightaswellenjoythefinerthingsinlifewhiletheylast.
WheninDreamland…
AloudfoghornsnagsCami’sattention.Sherunsbacktotheslidingdoorandpressesherfaceagainsttheglass,makingitfogfromherhotbreath.
“Look!Aboat!”Camipointsataferrypullingintothedocktodropoffthefamilies.
Ikneelbesideher.“Iseethat.”
“Wecantaketheferrytomorrowifyouwant.”CalkneelsontheothersideofCami.
“Really?”Hereyesgobigwithwonder
“Forsure.Whateveryouwant.”Herubsthetopofheralready-messyhair.
ThisisthereasonI’mwillingtowaitforCal.Becauselovelikethat—theunconditionalkindthatcomesstraightfromtheheart—isn’teasytofind.Iwouldknowaftersearchingforitandfailingmiserablysinceheleft.
“Thankyou!”CamithrowsherselfintoCal’sarms.
Calblinkstwiceatmysmilebeforereturningmygrinwithoneofhisown.BeforeIknowit,heisswoopingmeintohisarmstoo,smushingmeagainstCami.Theaddedweightthrowshimoff-balanceandthethreeofuscrashagainstthecarpet,withhimtakingthebruntoftheweight.CamigigglingbetweenusmakesbothCalandmebothlaughtoo.
Camiwigglesfreeandtakesofftoclaimherbedroom.Cal’sarmsremainwrappedaroundmeandadjustmyweightsoIlieontopofhim.Isuckinabreathashishandrunsdownmyspine,leavingsparksbehind.
Hishandpausesonthesmallofmyback.“Iwanttomakethetwoofyoulaughlikethatfortherestofourlives.”
Atinglespreadsthroughme,startingatmycheeksandheadingtowardmytoes.Hecupsmycheekanddragsmeclosertohisface.
“Cal…”Iwarn.“WhataboutCami?”
Thesqueakofamattressandthesteadythumpofsomeonejumpingmakeshimsmile.
“Ithinkshe’sabitbusyatthemoment.”Histhumbbrushesmybottomlip.
“Still.”
Heremoveshishand,takinghiswarmthwithhim.“Idareyoutokissme.”
Iblink.“What?”
“Youheardme.Eitherkissmeorbeforcedintogivingupasecret.”Thelowrumbleofhisvoicemakesmylowerbellyclench.
“That’snotfair.”Myvoicecracks.Dareshavealwaysbeenaweaknessofmine,rightafterthemanwhoinstigatedtheminthefirstplace.
Hetugsmychincloser.“Truthordare?Choosecarefully.”
Ibitedownonmylip.“I’vegotalotofdarestomakeupfor.Fifteen,tobeexact,accordingtomylasttallycount.”Thepieceofwoodonthedockmightbelonggone,butthememorylivesoninmyhead.
“Atthisrateyou’llnevercatchuptome.”
“Onlybecauseyou’readaredevil.”
Hegrins.“Andyou’reacoward.”
Coward?I’llshowhim.
IrisetoCal’schallengeandkisshim.Ourlipsmoldtogether,thezapofenergysparkingbetweenus.HesucksinabreathasItracethecurveofhisbottomlipwiththetipofmytongue.Thesoundtravelsstraighttowardmyclit.
Myentirebodyisoverwhelmedbythetasteandsmellofhim,turningtheexperienceintosensoryoverload.Itrytoplacewhatthefeelinginmychestis,butCaldoesn’tletmegetdistractedforlongashecupsthebackofmyneck.
ControlslipsfrommygraspasCaldominates.TheworldIknowshiftsasCalbecomesmycenterofgravity,groundingmetohim
“MommyandCal,sittinginatree.K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
CalandIbreakapart.Bothoureyesarewideaswetakeeachotherin.Hislipsareasswollenashisdickpressingagainstmystomach.
“Firstcomeslove.Thencomesmarriage.ThencomesCamiinaDreamlandcarriage!”Shethrowsherselfontopofme,squishingmeagainstCal’schest.
Somuchfornotgettingcaught.
“AreyouandCalgettingmarried?”
ThecombIwasusingtobrushCami’swethairslipsoutofmyhand.“Umm.”
“CanIhaveasister?”Hersmileexpandsuntilittakesoverhalfherface.
Shit.Shit.Shit.IknewCamiwouldhavequestions,butthingsareescalatingfartoofastformetokeepupwith.
IreachforthecombandplaceitontopofCami’sking-sizedmattress.“CalandIaren’tgettingmarried.”Mytonguesuddenlyfeelsheavy.
“Whynot?”
“Becausenoteveryonewholikeseachothergetsmarried.”AndbecauseIhavenoideaifwewillevergettoaplacewherethatisevenremotelypossible.
Don’tbesonegative.
Hardnottobewhenpessimismispracticallyadefaultsettingformeonsomedays.
“So,youdolikehim?”Shepunctuatesherquestionwithafewairkisses,makingmelaugh
“Ofcourse.”
“Metoo.”Shegrins.
“Youdo?”Heranswerdoesn’tsurpriseme,butit’snicetogetconfirmation,especiallyaftereverythingthathappenedwithVictor.
“Yes.He’snicerthanVictor.Helistenstomeandlikestoaskmequestionsanddoesn’tmakemefeellikeIbotherhim.”Theconfessionrushesoutofher.
Itrymyhardesttokeepmyemotionsincheck.It’snearlyimpossible,especiallywithCamibringingupVictor.It’smyfaultshewaseverputinasituationwhereamanwouldtreatherasanythinglessthanaprincess.
Neveragain.
Ituckastrandofwethairbehindherear.“Ithinkhe’salotnicerthanVictortoo.”
“Andhemakesyoulaughandsmile.”
Mybrowsrise.“I’vealwayslaughedandsmiled.”
“Yeah,butyoudoitalotmorenow.”
I’matalossforwords.It’ssuchasimpleobservationonCami’spart,butitisonethatmakesmyentirechestache.
Camipopsthebubbleofemotionbuildinginmychestwitharandomquestion,provingthatsix-year-oldkidstrulyhavetheattentionspanofapuppy.
“CanIhaveabedtimestorynow?”
IgoalongwithCami’srequest,althoughhercommentstickswithmelongaftershefallsasleep.
CalfoundhiswayintomybedwhileIwasbusywithCami.Icrawlunderthesheetsandsnuggleagainsthim,althoughI’mcompletelyignoredashecontinuesreadinghisbook.Hislookofconcentrationdrawsasoftchucklefromme.
Hemakesyoulaughandsmile.
Calmakesmedoalotmorethanthat.Hemakesmewanttohavefun,enjoylife,anddreaminawayIhavelongsinceforgottenovertheyears.Evenwiththeoddsstackedagainstus,hemakesmewanttobelievewecanworkout.
Butmostofall,hemakesmewanttotrusthim.Tofallinloveonceagain.
Withhim.Sunrayspeekthroughthesidesoftheblackoutcurtains,baskingLanainanearlymorningglow.IfIcould,Iwouldspendthewholemorningherewithher.SneakingoutofthebedroombeforeCamiwakesupispuretorture.Likeeverycellinmybodyisprotestingagainstmoving,makingeachstepawayfromherimpossible.
“IshouldgobeforeCamiwakesup.”EventhoughCamicaughtuskissing,wedon’twanthertoassumeanythingelseisgoingon.IlookforwardtothedaythatIdon’thavetosneakaroundmyownplace,hidingmyfeelingsbecauseofasix-year-oldkid.
Lana’sonlyreplyistoburrowdeeperintomychest.
Itrytountangleherlimbsfrommine,butsheholdson.
“Whatifwetoldher?”shemumblesagainstmychest.
“Toldherwhat?”
“Thatwe’redating.”
Ipause.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
“She’sstartingtoaskmequestionsanyway.”
“Likewhat?”
“Shewantedtoknowwhensheisgoingtogetababysister.”
Ichokeonmyinhale.“What?”
Shepeeksupatme.“Doyounotwantkids?”
“OfcourseIdo.”SpendingtimearoundCamimademerealizejusthowfunchildrencanbe.
“Areyousure?You’regoingtohavetoinvestinalotmoreswearjars.”Asmiletugsatherlips.
“Ibetterstockuponsomehundredsthen.”
Shesmilesinawaythatnotonlyreacheshereyesbuthersoul
Ican’tresistkissingherinthatmoment.Tostealalittlebitofthathappinessformyself.
“Mommy!”
Onesecond,I’mlyingflatonthebed.Thenext,LanashovesmeoffthemattresswithaninhumanamountofstrengththatIneverthoughtshepossessed.
Ilandonthefloorwithanoomph.“Fuck.”
Shepeeksovertheedgewithwideeyes.“OhmyGod.Areyouokay?I’msosorry!”
Iliftmyhandandgiveherathumbs-up
TheknobrattlesbeforeCamicomesbarrelingin.“Morning!”
Lanainterceptsherbeforeshecatchesmehiding.“Whoathere.Lookatyourhair!Let’sgodosomethingaboutitbeforebreakfast.”
Thedoorshutsbehindthemwithasoftclick,leavingmealone,wonderinghowthehellI’mgoingtosurvivesneakingaroundformuchlonger.
OutsideofvisitingRowan’shouseatthebackoftheDreamlandpropertyforacompanyChristmasparty,Ihaveprettymuchavoidedtheparksincemymotherpassed,soCami’sfirstexperienceattheparkmightaswellbeminetoo.
OurfirststopisattheMagicWandSalon.Beautychairsandfancyvanitymirrorsmakeuponesideofthesalonwhiletheotherhalfisanentirestoredesignedlikeaprincess’scloset.Hundredsofgirlssiftthroughtheracks,rifflingthroughballgowndressesandaccessoriesfitforroyalty.
Camitakesofftowardtheshop,leavingLanaandmebehindwithRowanandZahra.Comparedtomybrother’splainnavysuit,Zahrawearsabrightyellowdressthatcomplementsthebrowntonesofherskinandhair.
“Cal!”Zahrathrowsherarmsaroundme.
Lanalooksatthetwoofuswithraisedbrows.
Iclearmythroat.“Hey.Longtimenosee.”
“IrisandIhavemissedyouatthelastcoupleofbrunches.Thisoneisacompletebore.”ShenodsinRowan’sdirection.Rowanglaresather,whichonlymakesZahrabeam.
“IsthisAlana?”Zahra’sbrowneyesglitterasshechecksoutLana.
Iintroducethetwoofthem.
ZahrapullsLanaintoahug.“I’veheardsomuchaboutyou.”
“Youhave?”
Zahrapullsaway.“Oh,yeah.GetafewmimosasinCal’ssystemandhewon’tstoptalkingaboutyou.”
Mycheeksheat.Lanastiffens,themusclesinherbackgoingrigid.
“Mimosas?”Sheglancesupatme,astormbrewingbehindhereyes.
“I’mnotsuretherewillbemanymoremimosasinmyfuture.”IofferZahraatightsmile.
Rowan,sensingtheneedforatopicchange,thankGod,offershishandtoLana.“Nicetoseeyouagainafterallthistime.”
Sheshakesitwithawrinklednose.“Ugh.Stillstuffyasever,Galahad.”
Zahra’swideeyesbouncebetweenLanaandmybrother.“Sheknowsyourmiddlename?”
“Oh,Iknowalotmorethanthat.”Lanalaughs.
Rowanblushes,andit’squitethesight.IwishIgotitoncamerasolelyforfutureentertainmentpurposes.
Zahraleansforward.“I’dlovenothingmorethantopickyourbrainandlearnallaboutbabyRowan.”
Mybrothershootsmealook.“TellyourgirlfriendIcanrevokethoseVIPpassesasquicklyasIhandedthemout.”
“I’mstandingrighthere,sofeelfreetotellmeyourself.”Lanawaveswithasmallsmile.
Damn.GettingturnedonbyLanaputtingmybrotherinhisplaceisanewleveloffuckedup,andI’mdyingformoreofit.EvenRowan’seyesglitterathercomment.Ifthereisanythingmybrotherrespectsmorethansubmission,it’sthosewillingtostanduptohimwhenheiswrong.
“Irisistotallygoingtoloveyou.”ZahrawagsherfingeratLanabeforebreakingoutintoalaugh.
“LookwhatIfound!”Camirushesbackovertous,balancingtwodifferenttiarasonherhead,holdingthreeprincessdressesinherarms,andwearingtwodifferentplasticheelsonherfeet.
“Youcanonlypickoneoutfit.”Lanaplucksthedressesoutofherhandsandholdsthemupforhertochoose.
I’mquicktostealthemoutofLana’shandsandpassthemovertoZahra,whoisgoingtodoCami’smakeover.“We’lltakethemall.HavethestoresendeverythingCamiwantsuptoourroom.”
Lanashootsmealook.“You’respoilingher.”
“AndI’mlovingeverysecondofit.”Mysmilewidens.
Sherollshereyes.“Youcan’tbuyhereverythingshewants.”
“Whynot?”Camigrinsasshenot-so-sneakilyaddsathirdpairofcostumeheelstothegrowingpileinZahra’sarm
“Camila.”Lanaputsherhandsonherhips.
“Mommy.”Camimatcheshermother’sstance,earninglaughsfromeveryonebutLana.
Camicatchessomethingoutofthecornerofhereyeandtakesofftowardthecostumejewelryarea,draggingZahrabehindher.Rowanbusieshimselfbehindthecheck-indesk,leavingLanaandmealone.
LanaletsoutalongsighasshewatchesCamifromacrosstheroom.
Iwrapmyarmsaroundherfrombehindandtugherbodyagainstmine.“Iplanonspoilingyoujustasmuchlater,”Iwhisperinherear.“Allnightlongifyouwantmeto.”
Sheshivers.“Isthatapromise?”
“Dependsonifyou’regoingtoletmetreatCamitowhatevershewantstoday.”
Shepouts.“You’renotfightingfair.”
“I’drathernotfightatall.”Ituckherhairbehindherearbeforebrushingmyfingersdowntheslopeofherneck.“EspeciallywhenIcouldfuckyouinstead.”Ikissthesensitivespotbelowherearbeforelettinghergo.
WeonlyhaveaminutetosparebeforeCamiandZahracomebacktodragLanaaway.ShegivesmeonelastlookoverhershoulderbeforeZahratugsherinthedirectionofthebeautysalon,leavingmestandingallbymyself.
LanaliftsCamiintooneofthechairswhileZahraholdsupthedifferentdressesagainstCami’storso.Ilaughatthetwoextraonesthesneakygirladdedtotheselection.
Rowanwalksupnexttome.“So,you’redatingeachotheragain?”
“Yes.”
Hischeekhollowsfromhowhardhegnawsonit.
Igivehimaonce-over.“Spititout.”
Hereleasesaheavybreath.“I’mworriedaboutyou.”
Myheadtilts.“Why?”
“Iknowshe’sthereasonyouwentbacktodrinkingthelasttime.”
Mymusclesturntostonebeneathmyshirt.“I’mnotgoingtofaultherformyissues,andyoushouldn’teither.IfIchosetorelapse,it’sonme,nother.”
“Idon’tfaulther,butIcan’thelpbeingworriedeitherwayaboutthetwoofyoupotentiallygettingbacktogether.YouwereneverthesameafteryouwentbacktoLakeWisteriatwoyearsago.”
Myhandstightenintofists.Ineverspokeaboutgoingthereinthefirstplace,soRowanhadtofindoutfromsomeone.“Whotoldyou?”
HiseyesdarttowardthesalonchairwhereZahrastandsbehindCami,curlingherhair.“Declan.”
“Heknew?”
HisAdam’sapplebobsfromhisthickswallow.“Youknowhowheis.”
“Anoverprotectiveasswithnoconceptofprivacy?”
“Itcomesfromagoodplace.”
“Doesit?Becauseitfeelsprettydamninvasiveandoppressivefrommypointofview.”Allmylife,Declanhasdonethesamething.
Hesighs.“Atthetime,Declanwasdesperatetofigureoutwhatwaswrongbecausehewantedtofixitforyou.”
Iscoff.
“Whydoyouthinkhehadabuyersetuptopurchasethehouse?”Rowan’squestioncomesoutofnowhere.
“Becausehedidn’tbelievethatIcouldsellthelakehouse.”
“No.HewantedtosaveyoufromanypainyouwouldexperiencebyhavingtogobacktoLakeWisteriaafterthelasttime.Itwashiswayoftryingtohelpyou.”
Mylipspart.
“It’sthesamereasonhethreatenedthetrustMomleftyouandforcedyouintorehabthefirsttime.”Rowanshakeshisheadwithasigh.“Ifyoustoppedforasecondtoaskhimwhyhedoesthings,ratherthanassumetheworstabouthim,you’dbothspendalotlesstimefighting.”
“He’sstillanassholewhosaysstupidshit.”
“Ofcourseheis.ButIalsoknowheisworkingonapologizing,whichheneverusedtodobeforehemarriedIris.Somaybeyoushouldgivehimachancetolearnfromhismistakesinsteadofignoringhimoutofspite.”
Itakeadeepbreath.“Hetoldyousomething?”
“Notinsomanywords.YouknowDeclanisn’tthetypetoopenupandgushabouthisfeelings.”
Damn.HemustbereallyaffectedifhetalkedtoRowanofallpeople.
Isigh.“Fine.I’llgivehimacallafterthisweekend.”
Rowanwinces.“Aboutthat…”
Fuck.Rowanwasthesuckiestsecretkeeper,rightafterLana.
“YoutoldhimIwashere,didn’tyou?”
“Surprise?”
Myeyesroll.“Whenishecoming?”
“Tomorrownight.ZahraandIrisareplanninganearlybirthdaydinnerforyou.”
Shit.
CamiwalksoutoftheMagicWandSalonwithacontagioussmileonherface.Shelooksadorablewithherglittered-coveredblondcurlsandherpurpleprincessdress,withtheshinymaterialshiftingcolorsdependingonhowmuchsunlightpeeksthroughtheclouds.
“Thankyoufrombothofus.”LanaplantsakissonmycheekbeforetakingoffafterCami,whowobblestowardthecastleinherplasticheels.
“Willtheybejoiningusfordinnertomorrow?”Rowantipshischinintheirdirection.
Thethreeofus.
Ireallylikethesoundofthat.
“IneedtocheckwithAlanaandseehowshefeelsfirst.Shemightnotbeupforsomethinglikethat.”NotthatIwouldblameher.Myfamilyisabitmuch,especiallywhenwearealltogether.
“Shootusatexteitherway,”RowansaysbeforeheandZahrawalkaway.
It’seasytofindCamiandLanainthecrowdwithhowtherhinestonesonCami’stiaraglitterunderthebrightsun.HerplasticheelsclickandclackagainstthecobbledroadleadinguptoPrincessCara’scastle.LanaclutchesCami’ssneakersinherotherhand,readytoreplacetheheelsonceCami’sfeethurt.
IpulloutmyphoneandsnapaphotoofCamiandLanaholdinghandsbeforewalkinguptothem.Camidoesn’thesitateasshegrabsontomine,andthethreeofustakeofftothefirstactivityIhaveplanned.
Inthemiddleofthepark,hiddenawaywithintherosebushesandtallhedges,isasmalltableoccupiedbynoneotherthanPrincessMariannaherself.WhileherdressisthesameshadeandstyleasCami’s,herhairissimilartoLana’sdarkstrands.
EvenwhennexttotheDreamlandprincessherself,mygirllookslikeamillionbucks,especiallywiththesmileonherface.
Mygirl.
Thetermneversoundedmorerightthaninthismoment.
Theshriek-squealcombinationCamiletsoutquicklybecomesmynewfavoritesound.
Lanablinks,rubshereyes,andthenblinksagain.“Tellmeyoudidn’t.”
“Okay,Iwon’t.”
Afewserverscomeoutincostumes,carryingtrayswithteacupsandsnacks.CamiclapsherhandsandbouncesinherchairwhilePrincessMariannawhisperssomethinginherear.
Lanashakesherhead.“I’mnevergoingtobeabletotopthisbirthday.”
Igrabherhandandspinherinacircle,makingherlaugh.“Soundslikeafunchallengetome.”
“What’snext?AtriptoAfricatoseewildanimals?”
“Thatcanbearranged.IhelpedIrisplanherhoneymoonthere,soIknowallthegoodspots.”
Shewipesthedisbeliefoffherface.“Thisisn’treallife.”
Itugheragainstmychest.“Itcanbeifyouletmetakecareofyoutwo.”
Sheshootsmeasmilethatrivalsallthebeautysurroundingus.“GetsoberandI’llletyou.”IalwaysknewbringingCamitoDreamlandwouldbemagical,buttherealityissomuchmorethanthat.Everythingabouttheparkexcitesher.Thecastle.Thefood.Thecharactersdressedupinthecostumesthatusedtomakemecryasakid.Shesoaksupeverything,andherhappinessisaliving,breathingentitythatIfindextremelycontagious.
Icouldn’thaveimaginedabetterday.AtleastIhadn’tuntilCalliftsCamiupontohisshoulderssoshecangetabetterlookattheeveningshowhappeninginfrontofthecastle.
IneverstoodachanceatsurvivingthistripwithoutfallinginlovewithCal.Itwasavalianteffortonmyparttoeventhinkotherwise,butI’mnomatchforthegirldadenergyheisgivingoff.Afewwomenaroundusseemtotakenotice,althoughIshootdaggersintheirdirectionuntiltheyturnaway,flusteredandsomewhatdisturbed.
I’vebeenperfectingthelooksinceeveryoneinmyagerangestartedlustingafterCalwhenwewereteens.It’snotpretty,butitgetsthejobdone.
IsmileasIsnapaphotoofCamiandCalfrombehindsoIcanprintitoutandstoreitinmymemorybox.
Calglancesoverhisshoulderatme.“Whatareyoudoing?”
ImotiontowardhimandCami.“Savingthememory.”
SomethingflashesinCal’seyesbeforehegrabsthepersonnexttohim.
“Doyoumindtakingaphotoofmygirlsandme?”
Hisgirls.
Theymighthavetoairliftmeoutofhere,becauseI’maboutreadytogointocardiacarrest.Withthewaymyleftarmtinglesandmyheartpounds,Iwouldn’tdoubtit.
CamiremainsonCal’sshoulders,hersmilebrightandreadywhileIstand,stunnedandblinkingrapidly.CalshakeshisheadwithasmilebeforetuggingmeagainsthimandwrappinganarmaroundmyfrontwhilekeepingCamisecuredwiththeotherone.
Themanholdsupthephoneandbeginshiscountdown.Afireworkexplodesaboveus.CamiandIbothlookupatthesametimeastheflashgoesoff,ruiningourphoto.
ThemanpracticallythrowsCal’sphoneathimbeforereturningtohisfamily.
“More!”Camiclapsherhands.
“They’recoming,”Calsays.
Fireworkseruptaboveus,paintingtheskyindifferentcolors.Calkeepshisarmwrappedaroundmeduringtheentireshow.Atsomepointduringtheexplosionsabove,Camifallsasleep.
“Howisthatevenpossible?”Heremovesherfromhisshouldersbeforecradlingheragainsthischest.
MylegsmightgiveoutfromhowhardIswoon.“Itoldyoushecansleepthroughanything.”
Anotherfireworkexplodesaboveus,provingmypointasCamidoesn’tevenflinch.
“See?”
“Damn.Doyouwanttoheadback?”HiseyesslidefromCamitome.
Ilookupatthesky,takinginafewmoresecondsoftheshowbeforenodding.WhenIturn,Cal’sgazeisalreadyfixedonme,althoughitburnswithpromiseashefollowsthecurvesofmybody.
BetweenCalshoweringCamiwithloveandattention,andhissoftwhisperswhennooneisaround,I’mmorethanreadytoheadback.
Fireworksbedamned.
IshutthedoortoCami’sroombehindmebeforesaggingagainstit.Thereisn’tasinglepartofmybodythatdoesn’tachefromwalkingaroundtheparkallday,andnoamountofworkingoutwouldhavepreparedmeforthatkindofsoreness.
“Shewentbacktosleepeasily?”Calsitsuponthecouch.
“Yup.Outlikealight.”IhatedwakingCamiupaftersheknockedout,butIrefusedtolethergotobedcoveredinthemeparkgermsandbutterflyfacepaint.
“It’simpressivehowshecansleepthroughfireworks,ascreamingbabyontheferry,andtheentirewalkuptotheroom.”
“Ifonlytherestofuscouldbethatlucky.”Ifallface-firstintothecushionsofthecouchacrossfromtheoneCalsitson.
Heletsoutalowlaugh.“Tired?”
“Mywholebodyhurtsfromheadtotoe.”Myvoiceismuffledbythecushionspressingagainstmyface.
Thecouchcreaksunderhim.“IthinkIhaveanidea.”
“Ifit’snotafull-bodymassage,Idon’twantit.”
“Thatcaneasilybearranged,solongasyoureturnthefavor.”Helowershisvoice.“Preferablywithoutclotheson.”
Iblindlylaunchathrowpillowinthedirectionofhislaugh.
Thedoortohisroomclicksshutsoonafter.InodoffforabitbeforeI’mwokenbyCalcomingbacktoliftmeintohisarmslikeabride.I’mtootiredtoobject,andhonestly,IdoubtIwouldeitherway.Itfeelsgoodtobeonthereceivingendofbeingspoiledafterspendingalldayonmyfeet.
Hecarriesmeintohisbathroomandsetsmeonmyfeet.Thesoundofwaterrushingoutofthetapdragsmyeyesawayfromhisface.
“Abubblebath?”Thedeeptubisalmostfilledtothetopwithbubblesnearlyspillingoutofit.
Hereachesovertoshutoffthetap.“Iaddedsomebathsaltstohelpwithyoursoremuscles.”
Idropmyheadbackwithsigh.“Iloveyou.”Thethoughtslipsoutbyaccident,andmyeyesflyopen.“I…”Ican’tfinishtherestofmysentence.It’snotthatIdon’tloveCal,butIdon’twanttogivethatloveawaysofreelyagain.Notwithoutbeingabletotrustthathewon’tshattermyheartforasecondtimearound.
“Don’tworryaboutit.”Heoffersmeatightsmile.
“But—”
Calshutsmeupwithahardkissthatputsourawkwardconversationtoanend.Ideepenit,earningthesweetestgroanagainstmylips.
MyhandsfindthehemofCal’sshirt,andIliftthematerialoverhishead.Hebreaksapartfromourkissanddoesthesamewithmyshirt,bothofthemlandingonthefloor.Thepilequicklygrowsasweditchourshortsandunderwear.
“Idon’tknowwheretostartwithyou.”Hisgazerunsdownmynakedbody.
“Ihaveafewideasifyouneedinspiration.”
Hiseyesdarken.“Likewhat?”
“Abathforstarters.”
Hisshortlaughmakesmesmile.“NotwhatIwasgoingfor,butfine.”
Hehelpsmeintothebathfirstbeforesettlinginontheoppositesideofme.
“Afraidtositnexttome?”Iflickwaterathimwithmytoes.
Helatchesontomyfootandtugsmecloser,makingmesinkdeeperintothewater.Iopenmymouthtoobject,onlytobecutoffashebeginskneadingthesoremuscles.
Myheaddropsbackagainstthetub.“Oh,God.”
Hispressureintensifies.“Feelsgood?”
“Likeheaven.”Isigh.
Asmallsmiletugsathislips.Myeyesdroopwitheachminutethatgoesby,theacheinmymuscleseasingwitheverypassandpushofCal’shands.Eventually,thepainmorphsintosomethingelsealtogether.
Pleasure
Calmustsensetheshiftinmoodbecauseheabandonshismassageandstands.Waterdropletsslidedownhismuscularbody,temptingmetowipethemawaywithmytongue.Histhickerectionstandsasproudashimwhenhefindsmecheckinghimout.
Igivemyheadashake.“Whereareyougoing?”
“Nowherewithoutyou.Scootforward.”
Idowhathesays,andheslidesinbehindme.Hishardlengthpressesagainstmybackashegetscomfortableandplacesbothhislegsontheoutsideofmine.
Isinkdeeperintothebubblewaterandplacemyheadinthecrookofhisneck.“Imightneverleave.”
Calgrabsawettowelandsqueezesadecentamountofbodywashontothetopbeforeswipingitdownmybody.Hetakeshistime,draggingthewashclothacrossmyskinwithsoft,teasingstrokes.IpressmythighstogetheronlytohaveCalprythemapartsohecanswipethetowelbetweenmylegs.
Isqueezehisbicep.“Cal.”
Heteasesmyclitagain,addingmorepressurethistime.“What?”
“Youknowwhatyou’redoing.”Thewordscomeoutshaky.
Henipsatmyshoulder,earningasharpintakeofbreathfromme.“Isitworking?”
Iturnaroundandstraddlehisthighs,trappinghimbeneathme.Hiserectionpressesintome,andIgrindagainsthim,sendingazingofpleasuredownmyspine.“Doesthatansweryourquestion?”
HisfingersdigintomyhipsasIleanforwardandlickastraywaterdropletfromhisneck.
“Lana.”Thewayhewhispersmynamelikeaprayergoesstraighttomyhead.HisteethgrittogetherasIrubagainsthiserection,soIwiggleagain,earninganothergrunt.
Hegripsmythighshardenoughtoleavemarks.“Unlessyouwanttoendupgettingfuckedagainstthesideofthetub,I’dstop.”
“Hmm.Atemptingidea.”Irunthetipsofmyfingersuphiscockbeforegrippinghimtightlyandgivinghimasinglepump.
Hesnagsmyhandanddragsittowardhismouth.Thekissheplacesontheinsideofmypalmisinnocent,althoughthethrobbingbetweenmylegsisn’t.Ipushforwardandrubmypussyagainsthiscocktorelievethebuildingache.
Ikissapathfromhissharpjawlinetothebaseofhisthroat.Hisbreathingshallowsoutwitheachpassofmylipsoverhisskin,hisfingersdiggingintomyskinlikealifeline.Mylipssuckonthespotbeneathhisearthatdriveshimwildwhilemyfingersdanceacrosshischest,carefullybrushingdowntowardhisnavelwithoutactuallytouchinghisnipples.
Hemoansmynameagain,sendinganotherwaveofpleasurerollingthroughmybody.“Whatthefuckareyoudoingtome?”
“Havingfun.”Iteasehischestagain.Thetipofmyfingernailcatchesonhisnipple,andhesucksinabreath.
“Thisisn’tfun.It’storture.”
“It’sonlyfairwhenyoudothesamething.”Ileanforward,mytonguejustbarelyswipingovertheharddiskwhensomethingbreaksinsideofhim.
“Goodidea,”heraspsashegrabsmyhairandtugs.Mybackarches,givinghimtheperfectpositiontoteasetheveryareaIdeniedhim.Histongueswipesoverthepointedpeak,teasingandtorturingmeuntilIforcehimtogivemyotherbreastthesameattention.
Hesuckshardenoughtomakemegasp,andIjoltinhislap.
“Youwanttoteaseme?”Histeethscrapeoverthesensitivespot,andblackdotsfillmyvisionasawaveofpleasurerushesthroughme.“Youwanttofuckwithme?”
“I’dratherfuckyou.Period.Endofstory,”Ihissbetweengrittedteethashetugsonmynipple.
Calreleasesmebeforeheclimbsoutofthetubwithmylegsstillwrappedaroundhiswaist.Hequicklyplacesmebackonmyfeetbeforerunningadrytoweloverme,collectingthewaterdrippingdownmyskin.Goosebumpsbreakoutacrossmybody—bothfromthesuddenchillandtheanticipationofwhatiscomingnext.
Whenheisalldone,Igrabatowelfrombehindhimanddothesame.Icommittomytask,hisbreathinggrowingheavierwitheverypassofthetoweloverhisripplingmuscles.WhenIkneeldowntogethislegs,Iavoidhiserection.
Thescaronhiskneestandsoutagainsthisskin,representingoneofthebiggestshiftsinhislife.Inourlifetogether.
ItracethescarwhileCalbreathesheavilyaboveme,hishandsfistingbyhissides.
“Ithealedwell.”Thelastsummerhewashere,heavoidedwearingclothesthatexposedhisscar,soIneverhadmuchofanopportunitytolook.
Hischestrisesandfalls.“Ihateit.”
“Everypartofyouisperfect.”Ileanforwardandkissthescar.
Calreleasesashudderybreath.
ExceptwhenIgotoswipeawaythelastbitofwaterdrippingfromhiscock,hepullsmeontomyfeetanddragsmetowardthebedroom.
“But—”
Calthrowsthetowelinthedirectionofthebathroom.“I’mdonewiththegames.Kneel,”heordersinthatgruffvoiceofhisthatonlycomesoutduringsex.TherearetwoversionsofCallahanKane,andthisonehappenstobemyfavoritebecausenooneknowsaboutitbutme.It’stheonehekeepslockedaway,beggingtobeunleashed.
Hepressesasinglefingeragainstmyshoulder.AshivershootsdownmyspineasIkneelagainstthetightlywovencarpet.
Ireachforhiscock,onlytohavehimstepoutofmyreach.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Payback.”Hepumpsonce.Histipgleamsfromasingledropofpre-cum,andIlickmylips.
“Paybackforwhat?”WhenIreachforhim,hetakesanotherstepback,makingmefrown.
“Yourstuntwiththevibrator.”Hisgazetravelsovermybody.“Yourememberwhatyouorderedmetodo?”
“Staythereandlookprettyforme.”Irepeatthewords.Mybodytemperaturespikes,alongwithmyheartrate.
Hereachesouttocupmycheekwithonehandwhilepumpinghiscockwiththeother.“Theretrulyisnothingprettierthanwatchingyouonyourknees.”
“Nothingatall?”
Hischestheavesfromhisheavyexhale.“Mmm.Actually,theremightbeoneotherthing.”
Iyearntoreachforhim,yetmyhandsremainpressedflatagainstmythighs.“What’sthat?”
“This.”Hisfingersdigintomyscalpandtug.Igasp,andCaltakesadvantageofmysurprisetothrusthiscockinsidemymouth.Mylipswraparoundhiminstinctively,andmyhandsreachouttoholdhimatthebasewhileIpullhimdeeperintomymouth.
Idragmytongueacrosstheundersideofhissilkyskin,tracingandteasingmywayupanddownhislength.Hisfingersthreadthemselvesthroughmyhairandholdmeinplace.
LikeIeverstoodachanceofleaving.
Cal’smusclestwitchandrippleasIpump,suck,andlickeverysolidinchofhim.
Thereisnothingsweetandladylikeaboutsuckinghiscock.ThewayIhungerforhisreleasedrivesmyownorgasmtothesurface,andmymovementsbecomemoredesperateasthepulsingbetweenmylegsintensifies.
“Touchyourself,”herasps.
Ifollowhiscommand,reachingbetweenmylegs.
“Showmehowmuchsuckingmycockturnsyouon.”
Iliftmyhandintheair,andhiscockjerksinmymouth,floodingmytonguewithhisarousal.
“Iwantyoutomakeyourselfcome.”
Iblinkinacknowledgment.
Cal’sfingersgripmyscalpashefucksmymouth.Iteasemyclitwiththeflatofmyhandwhilepumpingtwofingersinside,sinkingtheminandouttotherhythmofhisthrusts.
Hegroansatthesight,hiseyesdevouringmelikeI’mthelastthinghemighteversee.
“Fuck,Lana.”Hismovementsbecomejerkier.Lessinsyncashepistonshishipswithenoughpowertomakemealmostgag.
Thepressureinmybellybuilds,growingwitheachteaseofmythumbagainstmyclit.
“That’sit,babe.”Hecupsmycheek.“Comeforme.”
Hisgazebrandsitselfintomyverysoul,withhimpouringeveryounceoflovehefeelstowardmewithasinglelook.
TheworldaroundmefadesawayasI’mhitwithmyorgasm.Mybodyshakes,myreleaseturningmymusclestojellyasIridethewaveofpleasurerollingthroughme.
Theaffectioninhisgazemorphsintopurelust,hiseyesdevouringmewholeashiscumshootsdownmythroatandfillsmymouth.Iswallowmultipletimesbutthatdoesn’tstopsomeofitfromspillingpastmylips.
Calpullshisshinycockaway.Heswipesatthecumdrippingdownmychinbeforestickinghisthumbbackintomymouth.Isuckonthepad,cleaninghimoffbeforeherepeatsthesamethingagain.Onceheissatisfied,Ireachforhiscockandwipeitcleanwithmytongue.Herubsmycheekwithapproval,andIleanintohistouch.
Morebloodrushestohisdick,earningagigglefromme.
Heactuallylooksoffendedashepullsmeupontomyfeet.“Youthinkit’sfunnywhatyoudotome?I’msufferingfromconstantblueballsaroundyou.”
“It’snotmyfault.”Ilaughharder.
Hesmilesashewalksmebacktowardthebed.Withalittleshove,Ifallagainstthemattress.Calfollowsme,hisweightpressingmefartherintothebedashestealsakiss.
Islidemyhandsuphisbodyandcombmyfingersthroughhishair.Theintensityofourkissincreasesashistonguelashesagainstmine,seekingformetosubmit.Hebitesdownonmybottomlipanddrawsblood.Histonguesweepsinandcoaxesasighfrommeashesucksontheswollenfleshinasilentapology.
Hecontinuesteasingmeuntilbothofusarepanting.Theacheinmycoregrowswitheachpassofhistongueandeverypressofhislips.Frommybreaststomypussy,notasingleinchofmybodygoesunappreciated
Caldeniesmeanotherorgasm,whichmakesmegroanwithfrustration.“God.”
“Youshouldknowbetterthantocallmeanothermaninbed.”Heslapsmypussyhard.Once.Twice.ThreetimesuntilI’mpantingandsquirmingunderneathhim.
Theurgencytocomehasmediggingmyfingernailsintohisskinandgrindingmypussyagainsthiscock.Hechucklesinmyearbeforepullingusbothunderthecovers.
Thistimehetakesmefrombehind,slidinghislegbetweenmineandsinkingintomewithonedrawn-outthrust.Thepositionisintimate,withhimholdingmebetweenhisarms.Hekissesmyneckandteasesmyclitashepistonsintomeoverandoveragain.Pleasurerollsthroughmeashewhispersthesweetestpraisesintomyear.
Myclimaxbuildswitheachthrustofhishipsandeverybrushofhisfingersagainstmyskin.Withafinalpinchofmyclit,Ispasmaroundhim.
Hiscockdrivesintomehardwithenoughforcetopushmeforwardasheusesmetofindhisownpleasure.Mybodytremblesfromtheaftereffectsofmyorgasm,andhismovementsbecomelesscoordinatedwitheachpumpofhiships.
Heremindsmeofamanpossessed.Ofsomeoneonthevergeoflosinghimselftolust,withawildnessinhisgazethatIfindintoxicating.
Calgruntsashecomes,notceasinghistortureofmybodyuntilheisfinished.Hedoesn’tpulloutrightawaybutinsteadchoosestowraphisarmsaroundme.Mythighsarestickyfromourcombinedreleases,yetIcan’tfinditinmetomove.
Idon’tthinkIevencanmove.
Hekissesthetopofmyheadwithasigh.Eventually,myheartratesettles,thesteadythumplullingmetosleep.
“Iloveyou,”hewhispersintothedark.
I’veheardthewordshundredsoftimesfromhislips,yettheystillmanagetotakemybreathawayeverysingletime
Iopenmymouthtosaythesame,yetsomethingholdsmeback.
Fear.
It’snotthatIdon’tlovehim,becauseIdo.Maybeevenmorethaneverbeforeifthatispossible.
It’sjustthatthelasttimeIdeliberatelysharedthosethreelittlewords,heleft.Mylovewasn’tenoughbefore,sowhywoulditbethistime?
AndafterCalleftthelasttime,I’mscaredtosharethatpartofmyself.AtleastnotuntilIcanfullytrusthimagain.
IfIevercan.“Youwantustogotodinnerwithyourfamily?”Myforkslipsfrommyhand,andthescrambledeggssplatteragainsttheplate.
Calrubsthebackofhisneck.“Youdon’thavetocomeifyoudon’twantto.It’sjustthatIhaven’tseenDeclaninawhile,andIrisflewoutallthiswaysincemybirthdayisnextweek…”
Shit.Hisbirthday!
Icompletelyforgotaboutthat.It’sbeensolongsinceIactuallyacknowledgedtheday.
“You’rehavingabirthdaydinnerhere?AtDreamland?Why?”
“Becausemyfamilyisnosyandinsufferable.”
“Sojusttheusual?”
Hechuckles.
“Idon’tknow…”Ihesitate,mygazeslidingovertoCami,whoraisesherforkintheairlikeanairplanebeforestabbingapieceofherpancake.
“Iunderstand.”Theskinsurroundinghiseyestightens.“Noworries.Myfamilycanbeabitoverbearing,soIdon’tblameyou.”
“It’snotthat.”Istumbleoverthewords.
“Thenwhat?”
Yeah,Alana,thenwhat?
“Isn’thavingdinnerwiththefamilykindof…serious?”
“Onlyifyouwantittobe.I’dloveforyoutocome,butIunderstandifyoudon’twantto.”
HetookyourkidtoDreamland.Theleastyoucandoisgotoadinnerforhim.
IlookoveratCami.“Ican’tleaveCamialone.”
“Ofcoursenot.Everyoneisexcitedtomeether.”
“Theyare?”
HepullsouthisphoneandshowsmeagroupchatheshareswithZahraandIris
Istiflemylaugh.“BadandBoozie?”
Helooksupattheceilingasifheneedstoprayforpatience.“Ididn’tcomeupwithit.”
“God,Ihopenot.”
“It’sthechatthetwoofthemcreatedtogetonDeclanandRowan’snervesafterwewenttobrunchonetime.”
“Anddoesit?”
“Astronomically,whichistheonlyreasonIwouldwillinglystayinachatwiththetwoofthem.Ihavethenotificationssilencedmostofthetime.”
IlaughasIcheckoutthechat.ThefirstphotoisaselfiethatCaltookofthethreeofuseatingfunnelcakesinfrontofthecastle.I’mclearlytryingtocleanCami’sface,whichiscoveredinpowderedsugarasshedevoursthefrieddough,whileCalgrinsatthetwoofuswithanexpressionthatmakesmychestpinch.I’mnotsureI’veeverseenhimlookthathappybefore—thatatpeace.
NoteveninthephotoofusonthedocksharingcholadosColombianos.
Iris
OMG.Funnelcakes?One-on-onemeet-and-greetswithprincess?Aprivatedinnerinsidethecastlewithanexclusivechef?You’recompletelyspoilingthem.
Asitshouldbe.
Zahra:
*Fallsoverfromswooningsohard.*
Zahra
I’mjealousIhadtoworkinsteadofhangingoutwiththemallday.
Iris
Well,I’mjealousthatyoumetthemalready!
Maybeyoucanmeetthemtomorrow.
Iris
Really?!?!
Zahra
Yes!!!
Zahra
Canyouimaginemescreaming?
Isaidmaybe…
Iris
Howcanweturnthatintoayes?
Ihaven’tevengottenaroundtoaskingheryet.
Iris
TellherthatIhavebeendyingtomeetherforyearseversinceyoucriedabouther.
IenduplaughingsohardthatCalfrowns.
“Youcriedoverme?”Iwheeze.
Hestealshisphoneoutofmyhand.“Ihadsomethinginmyeye.”
“What?Arealitycheck?”
Hescratcheshiseyebrowwithhismiddlefinger,makingmelaughagain.
“So,whattimeisdinner?”Iask.
“Why?”
“BecauseI’mdyingtohearallaboutyoufromIris.”
Hisheaddropsbackwithasigh.“Worstideaever.”
Calasksthegolfcartdrivertostopthecartoutsideofarowofwarehouses.Camilooksupfrommyphonetotakeinhersurroundingsbeforedeemingthemfarlessinterestingthanthevideoplayingonthescreen.
“Wherearewe?”IshieldmyeyesfromthesunasItakeinthevariouswarehouseswithpeoplecominginandoutofthefrontdoors.
“Thisiswhereallthemagichappens.”
Myforeheadwrinkleswithconfusion.“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”
“I’drathershowyouinstead.”Hejumpsoffthecartandoffersmehishand.Camifollowsbehindus,herheaddownasshecontinueswatchingtheshowonmyphone.
“Butwhataboutgoingtothewaterpark?”Itakeinmyoutfitofflip-flops,aone-piece,andapairofjeanshorts.
“AsmuchasI’dlovetospendthewholedaywithyouinaswimsuit,thatcanwaitfortomorrow.”
“ButCami—”
Hecutsmeoff.“IsfinewithwhatIhaveplanned.Shegavemethego-aheadherselfyesterday.Right,kiddo?”
Camithrowshimathumbs-upwithoutlookingawayfromherscreen.
“See?”Calraisesabrow.
“Shewasinonthisthewholetime?”Mymouthdropsopen.
“Surprise.”Camilooksupwithawidegrin.
“Shedidn’tsayasinglethingwhenIgotheralldressedupinherswimsuitthismorning.”
“Becausehegavememoney!”
IblinkupatCal.“Howmuch?”
“Canyoureallyputapricetagondiscretion?”
“Onethousanddollars!”Camisqueals,nearlydroppingmyphone.
“One.Thousand.Dollars?”Mypitchrisesattheend.
“Ihustledhimgood,Mommy.”Sheholdsoutherfistformetopound,somethingshenodoubtlearnedfromthemansmilingbesideme.
Ipressmypalmagainstmyforehead.“I’mnotsurehowI’llsurvivethetwoofyou.”
“Comeon.We’relate.”Heplaceshishandonthesmallofmyback.
“Lateforwhat?”
“You’llsee.”Heleadsustowardabluedooralittlewaysofffromwherethegolfcartdroppedus.Withatug,itcreaksopen.
Thesmelloffreshbakedbreadandcinnamonrollshitsmeallatonce.
“OhmyGod.”Itakeasecondsniff.“Thatsmellsamazing.”
Hisgrinwidensashegrabsmyhandandpullsmeinside.Wewalkthroughasemi-lithallwaybeforeitopensintoamassivekitchenwithstate-of-the-arteverything.
“Bonjour!”Amanwearingawhitechef’soutfitwaveshisknifeintheair.
“Tellmethat’snotwhoIthinkitis.”IpullCalbackastep.
“Surprise.”Hegrins.
“You’reAlana?”ChefGabrielaskswithahintofaFrenchaccent.Hewipestheflouroffhishandwithatowelbeforeofferingmeittoshake.HissmileisevenbrighterinpersonthanitisonthoseTVshowshegueststarson,makinghimlookmuchmoreapproachablethanwhatwouldbeexpectedofsomeonewhogetspaidtoyellatbakersandcritiquetheirskills.
“Hi,”IsqueakasIgrabontohishand.
OhmyGod.You’reshakinghandswiththeChocolateKing.
Myhandtremblesinhis,whichhedoesn’tcommenton.IneverthoughtIwouldbethekindofgirlwhowouldgetstarstruck,buthereIamwithmyheartpoundinginmychestandmypalmsweatingasIstandbeforethemanwhosecareerIhavefollowedsinceIwasinhighschool.
Chefletsgoofmyhand.“Calhastoldmeallaboutyourloveforbaking.”
“Hehas?”Myvoicehitsthehighestpitchever.
“Yes.HeandIthoughtitwouldbefunifwemadehisbirthdaycakestogether.”
Iblinktwice.“I’msorry.Didyousaycakes?Asinplural?”
Calcoughsinapoorattempttocoveruphislaugh.
“Yes.Cakes.”Heemphasizesthessoundwithagrin.“Iwassupposedtoteachyouoneofmyrecipes,butonceIspoketoCalabouthisfavoritesweetsofyours,Ithoughtwecouldswaprecipes.I’vebeentoldyourtreslechescakeistodiefor.”
IshootCalalookovermyshoulder.“Ididn’trealizeyouandCalkneweachother.”
Calshrugs.“Weproducehisshow.”
“Ofcourseyoudo.”IsanythingintheworldsafefromtheKaneCompanyandtheirinfluence?
Whoareyoutocomplain?NowyougettospendthedaywiththeChocolateKing!
ChefGabrielshootsmeasmallsmile.“Shallwegetstarted?IhaveaplanetocatchthiseveningandCaltoldmeyouhaveadinnertoattend.”
“Sure.Yes!”Itakeafewhesitantstepstowardthemetalcounter.
“CamiandIaregoingtogoworkondecoratingsomesugarcookiesandcupcakesforRowan’sbuddies’teammeetingtomorrow.”Calkissesmycheek.
CamihandsmemyphonebeforereachingupandclaspingCal’shand.Thetwoofthemwalktotheothersideofthewarehouse,whereafewemployeesstandbywithtraysofcookies,cupcakes,anddecoratingsupplies.
“Areyoureadytogetstarted?”Chefclapshishandstogether.
“Yes,Chef.”
Hechuckles.“PleasecallmeGabriel.”
IspareaglancetowardCalandmouthohmyGod.HissmilewidensbeforeheturnsbacktoCami,whoisalreadydippingherfingersintothefrostingbowl.Shelooksupathimwithwideeyesandpartedlips,onlytobreakoutintoasmilewhenCalswipeshisfingeragainstthesideofthebowltoo.
Thosetwoarewaytoosimilarformyliking.
Liar.
ChefGabrielstartsrattlingoffstepswhilespeakingabouttheingredientsheisusing.Itakeineverysinglethinglikeabrandnewbakerwhoislearninghowtoproperlycrackaneggforthefirsttime.
Together,ChefandIgettoworkonCal’sbirthdaycake.It’sonethingtoseeGabriel’stechniquesonTV,butitisawholeotherexperiencetowitnesssomeoneastalentedashimfirsthand.Everythingabouthimisincredible.
ThewayheturnsgranulesofsugarintodecorationsthatrivalthebestrestaurantsinLasVegas.
Histechniqueforglazing,whichmakeswhathappensonTVlookamateur.
HimfindingthebalancebetweenpassionandperfectionismwhileheturnsCal’sbirthdaycakeintoaworkofart.
“Fini.”Hespinsthecaketrayinacircle,showingoffhiscreation.
“Wow.”ItakeinCal’scakefromallangles.
TheskillsGabrielpickedupduringhistwentyyearsofbakingspeakforthemselves,andIitchtohaveevenafractionofhisexperience.
Youcouldifyouwantedto.
InsteadofshovingawaythethoughtlikeIusuallydo,Isitwithit.Abitofthemoneyfromthehousecouldpayformetoreceivesomeformaltraining.ItcouldhelpfinanceafewtripsaroundtheworldsoIcanlearnfromchefsofallbackgrounds,althoughthosekindsofvacationswouldhavetowaituntilCamiisoutofschoolforthesummer.
Anideastartsforming.IcoulddoanythingIwantto,solongasIamwillingtotaketherisk.
“Whatdoyouthink?”heasks,pullingmebackfrommythoughts.
“Thatmycakeisgoingtolooklikeitwasmadebyachildcomparedtoyours.”
Helaughstohimself.“Solongasittastesgood,whocares?”
“Saysthemanwhojustspentthelasthourworkingonasinglesugarartflower.”
Helaughstohimself.“ThechefIworkedwithinLasVegaswasabitofaperfectionist.”
“YouworkedinVegas?When?”Idon’trememberthatbeingpartofhisintroductionontheshow.
“LastyearattheDahlia.”
“TheDahlia?”Isuckinabreath.That’soneofthemostexclusivehotelsinallofVegas.
“Oui.”
“Wheredoyoufindthetime?Don’tyouhaveliketenrestaurantstorunandamillionthingstodo?”
“WhenIwasstillastudent,ItoldmyselfthatonceImadeenoughmoney,Iwouldspendonemonthinadifferentcityeveryyear,learningaboutnewtechniquesandskillstoimprovemycraft.”
Ileanforwardonmyelbows.“Wow.Whatinspiredthat?”
“Workingforastubbornchefwhoneverwantedtobranchoutandexperimentbeyondwhathewasgoodat.”
Ibusymyselfwithclearingthecounteroftheallthedirtybowlsandbakingtools.“Ialwayswantedtotravelandeatmywayaroundtheworld.”
Hisgrinstretchesacrosshisface.“Youneedto.SomeofthebestexperiencesIhadbakingarefrommytimetraveling.”
“Really?”
“Ohyes.ItbroughtthefoodIlovedtolifeandtaughtmetoappreciatethecultureandpeoplebehindtherecipes.”Heclearsthestationtoprepareformytreslecheslayercake,leavingmetoconsiderwhathesaid.
Whatwoulditbeliketospendsummerstravelingtheworld,learningnewrecipeswhileexploringcitiesandcultures?
Youcouldfindout.
MaybeIwill.IspendtheentiredrivetoRowan’shousetappingmyhandagainstmythightothebeatofmyracingheart.Lanasparesmeafewglancesthroughtheride,butIkeepmyeyesfocusedelsewhere,notwantingtoburdenherwithmythoughts.
I’mnotworriedabouther.
I’mworriedabouthowIwillmanagemyfamilyaroundher.Mytwobrothersdon’tmindembarrassingmeandfindingawaytomentionmyflawsonacontinuousbasis.It’sfuckeduptothinktheworstofRowanandDeclan,butI’vespentenoughofmylifedodgingtheirjabstoexpectanythingless.
Thedrivetothehouseendsalltoosoon,forcingmetopushasidemyreelingthoughts.
Lanatugsonmyelbowandstopsmeafewfeetawayfromthefrontdoor.“Iseverythingokay?”
“Itwillbe.”OnceIhaveadrinkortwo.
Regrethitsmeinstantly,makingmystomachchurn.
Hereyebrowsdrawtogether.“What’swrong?”
“Justnervousaboutbeingaroundeveryone.”
Lanadoesn’thesitatebeforespeakingup.“Wedon’tneedtogo.”
Iblink.“What?”
“Ifyoudon’twanttogo,thendon’t.Wecantakethecakesandsneakawaybeforetheyevenknowwe’rehere.”
“Justlikethat?”
Shesnapswithasmile.“Yeah,justlikethat.”
“Whataboutallthetimeyouputintogettingready?”
Shedragshereyesdownmybody,makingmyskinburnbeneathmybutton-down.“I’msureyou’llmakeitworthmywhile.”
Mygrinstretchestoitslimit.
ThetemptationtoditchmyfamilyandspendtimewithLanaisnearlyimpossibletodismiss.
Runninghasneversolvedanyofyourproblemsbefore.
Asifmyfamilysensedmyurgetoflee,IrisopensthefrontdoorandstepsoutontotheporchwithZahraonherheels.
Irisdoesn’tevenacknowledgeme,hereyesimmediatelylandingonLana.Mybestfrienddoesn’thesitatebeforethrowingherarmsaroundher.
“Hi?”Lana’svoicetipsup.
Irisreleasesher.“Sorry.I’mjustsoexcitedtofinallymeetyouandputafacetothenamethatCalhasspokensomuchabout.”
Lana’scheeksflush.“Hopefullygoodthings.”
“Please.AsifCalwouldeversayanythingbutthemostflatteringthingsabouthisLana.”
Myfaceturnsred.“Iris.”
Shetossesherbraidsoverhershoulderwithasmile.“I’mjustteasing.”
“Oh,byallmeans,keepgoing.ThereisnothingIlikemorethanseeinghimgetallflusteredandembarrassed.”Lanawinksatmybestfriend.
“Serveshimrightforwhatheputseveryoneelsethrough,”Irisquips.
Youknewthemgettingtogetherwouldbetrouble.
AndIloveeverysecondofit.
“Wecanexchangestoriesoverdinner.”IrislockselbowswithLanaanddragsherintothehouse.Zahrawalksbesidethem,lettingCamitalkherearoffabouteverythingthathappenedyesterdayatDreamlandwhileIfollowbehindthem.
Somethingthatsmellsslightlyburntcatchesmynose,andItracethescenttothekitchen,whereDeclanfussesoverthecloudofsmokecomingoutoftheoven.Hecursesasheshutsthedooranddumpstheburntlumpofwhatlookstobebreadinthetrash.
Hereachesoverthesinkandopensthewindowlookingoutontothebackyard.
“Needhelp?”
Hejumpsinplacebeforeturningaroundtofaceme.“Youdidn’tseethat.”
“Notasinglething,althoughI’msureeveryoneinthehousecansmellit.”
Hesighs.“Imiscalculatedthetimingonthebread.”
“Happenstothebestofus.”
Hecheckswhateverissimmeringonthestove.“Sonowyoufeelliketalkingtome?”
“Youdidn’tgivememuchofachoiceafterdecidingtocrashmyvacation.”
Heshootsmealook.“Youshouldn’tevenbeonavacation.”
“Myentirelifeisavacation.”Igrin,althoughitdoesn’treachmyeyes.
Heshutshiseyesandtakesafewdeepbreaths.
Huh.Ishetakingthetimetothinkbeforehespeaks?
That’snew.
Considermeintrigued.
Rowanwalksintothekitchensippingonaglassofwhiskey.Allittakesisoneglanceinourdirectiontohavehimbacktrackingintheoppositedirection,leavingDeclanandmealoneagain.
“HowwasDreamland?”Hereturnstosautéingsomevegetables.
Iblink.“Sincewhendoyoucare?”
“Sincethedayyouwereborn.”
“Youhaveaweirdwayofshowingit.”
Hisforeheadcrinklesfromhowhardhefrowns.“Listen.I’msorryforwhatIsaidbackintheoffice.Itwasscrewedupofmetolosemytemperlikethatandtakeoutmyworriesaboutthewillonyou.Iamtryingtobebetter,andIevenstartedseeingatherapisttoexploremy…issues.”
“You?”Mylipspart.
Hisgazedrops.“Yup.AftereverythingthathappenedwithIris,Icouldn’tcountonmyselfnottoscrewupagain.”HisAdam’sapplebobs.“I’mworkingonafewthings.”
“Likeyourapologies?Becausethoseseverelyneedsomework.”
Hislipsquirkup.“Thatandactuallythinkingbeforespeaking.”
“Whatanovelconcept.”
Hisgazenarrows.“That’srichcomingfromthemanwho’ssufferedfromverbaldiarrheaallhislife.”
“AtleastIhavemyADHDdiagnosisasanexcuse.What’syours?”
“NonethataregoodenoughformetoactthewayIdo.”Hisvoicelowers.“I’mnotperfect,norcanImakeapromisethatIwillbe,butI’mworkingonit.Justgivemeachance.”
Iclaphimontheshoulder.“Fine,butonlybecauseIrisdoesn’tlikeitwhenwefight.”
Hiseyesroll.“Goodenoughforme.”
CamisitsattheendofthelongdiningtablebesideZahraandRowan.MybrotherwearsoneofCami’scrownsonhisheadlikeroyaltywhileansweringhernever-endingquestionsaboutDreamlandandhisjob.
HerattachmenttoRowanisendearing.EspeciallywhenpairedwithDeclanshootingdaggersathimbecauseIriskeepsswooningandcommentingonhowRowanwillmakeagoodfatheroneday.
ThetypicalheavinessthatariseswheneverI’mwithmyfamilysettlesasIwrapmyarmaroundthebackofLana’schair.ShelooksupatmewithasmilebeforecontinuingherconversationwithIris,whosparesmeafewcuriousglancesthroughoutdinner.
OnceI’mdoneeating,IfiddlewiththeendsofLana’shair,twirlingthemaroundmyfingeroverandoveragain.
“You’requiettonight,”Declansaysfromacrossthetable.
BecauseIdon’tfeeltheneedtodisguisemypainandlonelinesswithendlessconversationandfakelaughter.
“Justtakingitallin,”Isayinstead.
“Takingwhatin?”Declanasks.
ThefamilyIalwayswantedbutneverfeltlikeIcouldhave.“Rowanshowingyouupasthebestuncle.”Isticktoasillyanswer,knowingthat’swhat’sexpectedofme.I’mthefunbrother.Thehappyone.Theguywhocancuttensionwithasinglesmileandaself-deprecatingcomment.Noonewantstohearaboutmydemons,depression,anddamninsecurities
Idon’tevennoticewhatIsaiduntiluncomfortablesilencesettlesoverthetable.ZahraandIrisshootlooksateachotherovertherimsoftheirwineglasseswhileDeclan’seyeslookreadytobulge.Ican’tbearlookinginLana’sdirection,soIfaceforwardlikeasoldierreportingforduty.
Rowanpointsatthecrownonhishead.“Please.LikeDeclaneverstoodachanceatbeatingme.”
Camipressesherhandtohermouthandgiggles.
Declanfrowns.“Ihaven’tevenhadachancetospendtimewithher,asshole.You’vebeenhoveringoverherthewholenightbecauseshefeedsyourego.”
“Youowetheswearjar!”CamijumpsoutofherseatandwalksovertoDeclanwithherhandheldout.“Billetes,porfavor.”
“What?”Hestaresatherfingersliketheymightcarryaflesh-eatingbacteria.
Irisnudgeshimintheribswithherelbow.“Thatmeansyouhavetopaywheneveryoucurse.”
“Howmuch?”Hisexpressionisapleasantmixofpanickedandsomewhatintrigued.
CamigivesDeclanaquickpass-overwithhereyes.“Onethousanddollars.”
Lanachokeswhilesippingherwater.Ipatherbackasshesucksinhugebreathsofair.
“Onethousanddollars?What’sitfor?”Declandoesn’tevenblinkbeforepullingouthismoneyclipandhandingherhundreds.
“Collages.”Shegrinsupathim.
“College,”IcorrectforherwhenDeclan’sbrowstugtogetherwithconfusion.
Declanshrugsashedropsthelasthundredinherpalm.“AgoodcauseIcangetbehind.”
Lanafinallyregainstheabilitytospeak.“CamilaTheresaCastillo,giveallthatbackrightnow.Youknowwedon’taskpeopletopayathousanddollarsathome.”
“ButCalgavemeathousanddollars.”HerpinchedexpressionissodamncutethatevenDeclansmiles.
Irisshootsmealookandmouthsonethousanddollars?
Ishrug.Totallyworthit.
Lana’sbrowsrise.“Doesn’tmakeitrighttoaskthatofstrangers.”
Declan’seyesdarken.“Stranger?I’veknownyousinceyouwereaboutherage.”
Lanagiveshimaonce-over.“So?Ihaven’tseenyousinceyouwerestealingmydollsbecauseyouwantedtoplaywiththem.”
ZahragigglesintoherwineglasswhileIrishowlswithlaughter,herhandslappingthetableasshesucksindeepbreaths.
Declanfrowns,atingeofpinkcreepinguphischeeks.“Myactionfiguresneededtosavethedamselindistress.”
Irispatshisshoulder.“Noneedtobeself-conscious.Anactiveimaginationisasignofahealthychildhood.”
“Sure,itis.”Zahraliftsherwineglassinamockingcheer.
DeclanglaresatLanainawaythatmakesmostgrownmenpissthemselves.Lanalaughs,thesoundfillingallthecracksofmybrokenheartwithherwarmth.
Theconversationchanges,althoughthesteadyfeelingofcontentednesspumpingthroughmyveinsneverwanes.Ifanything,itonlyintensifiesasthenightcontinues.IrisandLanabreakoffintoacorner,laughingatwhateverblackmailtheyareexchangingatmyexpense.
Eventually,ZahraandLanacomeoutcarryingthetwocakes,bothofwhicharecoveredinlitcandles.Irisbeginsclappingherhandsandsinginghappybirthday.Mybrothersbegrudginglychimein,theirenthusiasmonparwithafuneralmarch.
“Makeawish,oldman,”Lanawhispersinmyear.
Waxdripsdownthecandlesandlandsontheicing.Camicomesuptomysideandbouncesontheballsofherfeetwithexcitement,soIliftherupandplaceheronmylap.
“Wannahelpmeout?It’salotofcandles.”
“Yes!”Shegrins,hertwoeyesbrightorbsrivalingthesun.
Together,weblowouteverysinglecandleexceptforone.Itakeadeepbreathandrepeatthesamewishinmyheadfrombefore.
Iwishtokickmyaddictionforgood.
Gettingdryisonething,butstayingsoberisacompletelydifferentanimal.OnethatI’vebattledandlostalready
Failingisn’tanoptionthistime.Iwanttotriumph.Overcome.Evolve
Iwanttoshedtheaddictionthatfeelslikeananchorwrappedaroundmyneck,keepingmefromrisingabovethedemonsholdingmedown,almostasmuchasIwanttobecomeamanworthyofLanaandCami.
Nomatterhowlongittakesmetogetthere.Camipushesheremptyplateinfrontofher.UsuallyIdon’tletherhavesweetsthislate,buttonightisaspecialoccasion.
“CanIgoplaynow?”sheasks.
“Sure.”
Sheboltsfromthetable,herfeetslappingagainstthewoodassheescapeswithherdolls.
“She’ssocute.”Irisshootsmeawarmsmile.
ZahraplucksthecrownoffRowan’sheadandplacesitonherown.“Seriously.Iseealotofkidseveryday,andyoursmakesthetopfive.”
Ibitebackasmile.
“Youmadethis?”Rowanstabshisspoonthroughhissecondpieceofthetreslechescake.
“Yup.”Iswipeatsomeofthedulcedelecheglaze.
“It’sgood.”Declanshutshiseyesashetakesanotherbite.
Tomostpeople,goodisabasiccompliment,butfromDeclan,it’sconsideredhighpraise.
“Sogood.”Irislicksherforkclean.
MycheeksachefromhowhardIsmile.
“Toldyoumygirlcouldbake.”Calwrapshisarmaroundthebackofmychair
Iswear,everysingletimehecallsmehisgirl,myheartskipsabeatbeforereturningtoitsnormalprogramming.
“Wecoulddefinitelyhavesomethinglikethisinourshops.”Rowanassessesthecakeonthestandfromallangles.
Mybreathcatches.“Really?”
“Howmuchdoyoucharge?”Thechangeinhimisinstantasheswitchesfromfamilymantobusinessentrepreneur.
“Umm…nothing?”
“Hmm.”Declan’sgazeslidesfrommetohisbrother.
“What?”Iblurtout.
“Nameaprice.”Rowanneatlyplaceshisspoonbesidehisplate.
“Foracake?Why?”IlookovertoCalforhelp,butheremainsaloof.Ifitweren’tforthewayhisfingersstoppedtwirlingmyhair,Iwouldn’tthinkhewasactivelylistening.
Rowan’seyesconnectwithmine.“BecauseI’minterestedinbuyingyourrecipe.”
“Whatfor?”
“We’vebeenconsideringexpandingourPrincessMariannasectioninthepark,andIwantthistobeapartofit.”
TheroomspinsaroundmeasItakeineverythingheissaying.
“So,nameaprice.”Hefoldshishandsoverhislap.
Calpullsmecloserandwhispersinmyear,“Tellhimyou’llthinkaboutit.”
Mybrowsfurrow.“But—”
“Itwillonlymakehimwantitmore.Trustme.”
ThiscalculatingversionofCalisn’toneI’musedto,andit’samajorturn-on.Naturally,Ilistentohim.“I’llneedtogetbacktoyou.”
Rowan’slipspresstogether.“I’llgiveyouamillion.”
Myeyeswiden.“Forarecipe?”
Calshakeshisheadeversoslightly.
Rowanglaresathim.“Stopinfluencingher.”
“Iwillwhenyoustopgivingherbadoffers.Theparkmakesabouttwentymillioninasingleday,andagoodchunkofthatcomesfromfoodandbeverages.Withhowmanypeoplecomethroughthegoldengatesreadytoopentheirwalletsandtheirstomachs,Alanadeservesmore.Anddon’tthinkIforgothowmuchyouspentonbuyingthatsecretHawaiianfrozendrinkrecipe.”
Mymouthdropsopen.
Damn.WherehasthisbusinesssavvyCalbeenhidingmywholelifeandhowsooncanIfuckhim?
Rowan’seyessparklewithadmiration.“Ithoughtyouweren’tpayingattentioninmeetings.”
“Theworstmistakeyoucouldhavemadewasunderestimatingme.”Calwinks,makingmystomachmusclestightenfromthewaveofpleasureswirlinginsideofme.
Irisraisesherwineglass.“TothesmartestKane.”
Declanshootsheraglare,andIrisignoreshimasshesipsherdrink.
IgiveCal’shandasqueezebeforelookingupatRowan.“Ineedtothinkaboutit.Thatrecipehasbeeninmyfamilyforyears,andI’mnotsurehowIwouldfeelaboutgivingitup,especiallywhenIwouldn’thavecontroloverthefinalproduct.”
SharingitwithChefGabrielwasonething,buthandingitovertotheKanesfeelslikeariskI’mnottoosureabout.
“What’syournumber?”Rowanpullsouthisphone.
“Why?Soyoucanaddhertothegroupchattoo?”Declan’seyesnarrow.
IrisswatsDeclanonthebackofhishead,makinghisperfectlystyledhairgoeverywhere.
Zahrasnortsintoherwineglass.“Servesyouright.”
IrecitemynumbersoRowancansaveit
“We’llbeintouch.”
Calsighs.“Arewedonetalkingbusinessnow?IhearDeclangotsomeCubanstocelebratemythirty-fourthtriparoundthesunandI’mdyingtotrythem.”
Andjustlikethat,theconversationistabled,althoughtheexcitementbuildinginmychestattheideaofRowanbuyingmyrecipedoesn’tgoaway.
TheboysleavethehousetogooutsideandsmokethecigarsDeclanbought,leavingustobondoverdrinks.Well,ZahraandIriseachnurseaglassofwinewhileIsticktomywater.
“So,how’sthehouserenovationgoing?”Zahraleansbackagainstthecouchandtucksherlegsunderher.SheremindsmeofDelilah,alwaystryingtoburrowherselfdeepintothecushions.
“Good.Thecontractorhasbeenhardatworkwithhisteamwhilewe’vebeenenjoyingthepark.”
“Whenisitgoingtobefinished?”Iristakesasipofherwine.
“Weactuallyalreadyputitonthemarket.”Myhandsclutchingmyglassofwatertighten.
“Youdid?”Irisperksup.
“Caldidn’tsayanything,”Zahrasays.
“Yeah.It’stime.”YetnomatterhowmanytimesItellmyselfthat,Ifeellikesomeonegrabbedmyheartandsqueezedhardenoughtomaketheorganpop.
“You’renothappyaboutit.”Irisfrowns.
“No,butI’llgetoverit.”Isigh.
“Areyousure?”TheskinbetweenZahra’seyebrowscreases.
“IfitmeanshelpingCal,thensobeit.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iris’sbrowstugtogether.
“Caltoldmehewouldgotorehabifweputthehouseupforsalethisweek,soitwasaneasychoice.IwasalreadywillingtosellitsoIcouldsendCamitoaprivateschool,soCalonlyspedupthetimelineabit.”
Iris’seyeswiden.“Hepromisedtogotorehab?”
“Hedidn’ttellyou?”
“No.”Herbrowsscrunchtogether.“Whendoesheleave?”
“Nextweek.”
“Nextweek?”Zahrasqueaks.SheandIrissharealook.
Thehairsonmyarmsraisefromhowstrangethey’reacting.“What?”
“Nothing.Itjustseems…”Zahra’svoicedriftsoff.
“Sudden,”Irisfinishesforher.
“I’mnotputtingupwithhisdrinkinganymore.Hecaneithergethislifetogetherorseehimselfoutofmine.”Iliftmywaterglassintheair.
Whatevernervousenergythatwasbuildingintheairdisappearswitheveryonebreakingoutintolaughter.
“Ilikeyoualready.”Iris’seyesglitter.
“Same.”Igrin.
Zahraraisesherglass.“Let’stoast.”
“Towhat?”Iask.
Zahratapsherglassagainstmine.“TothreestrongwomenwhorefusetoputupwiththeKanebrothers’usualbullshit.”
“Icancheerstothat.”Irisdoesthesame.
Thethreeofussharestoriesabouteachofthebrothers.BetweenZahraandIris,Ispendtherestofthenexthourlaughingandcryinguntilmybellyhurtsandmyvoiceishoarse.ThetwoofthemremindmeofVioletandDelilah,andIjustknowthatthefiveofusneedtogettogetheroneday.
OnceCalgetssober,thatis.
IrisandZahraaresplayedoutonthecouch,theirwineglassesasemptyasthebottleofexpensivewhitewineonthecoffeetable.Neitheronemovestogogetanotherone,althoughtheybothexpressedwantinganotherglass,soIvolunteertograbonefromthewinefridgeinthekitchen.
Iusethebathroombeforegoingtoretrievethebottle.AsI’mgrabbingthecorkscrew,Declan’svoicecatchesmyattention.
Ittakesmeamomenttorealizehisvoiceiscomingfromoutsideratherthaninside.Thekitchenwindowisopenwiththefadedscentofcigarslingeringintheair,makingmynosewrinkle.
“Isawyouputthelakehouseonthemarket,”Declansaysinthatgruff,no-bullshitvoiceofhis.
“Yup.Idoubtitwilllastmorethanafewweeksbeforesomeonebuysit.”Calspeakswithconfidence.
Stopeavesdroppingandgo.
Thecorkscrewshakesinmyhand.I’mabouttostartwalkingawayandgivethemprivacy,butsomethingDeclansayshasmyfeetstayinggluedtothefloor.
“I’msurprisedyougotAlanatogoalongwithit.”
What.The.Fuck.Goalongwithwhat?
“Shewastheonewhosuggestedweputthehouseupforsalesooner,”Calsays.
“Shouldn’tbelongnowbeforeyoureceiveyourpartoftheinheritance,then.”
Inheritance?Whatinheritance?
“Aboutthat…”Cal’svoicedriftsoff.
“Herewego,”Rowangrumblesbeforeicerattlesinaglass.
Itakeastepforwardtogetabetterlookatthem.Thethreebrotherssitontheirrespectiveloungechairs,blowingsmokeringsintothesky.WhileDeclanandRowanhavedrinksonasidetable,Calonlyclutchesacigarinhishand.
“Don’ttellmeyou’rebackingoutofyourpartofthewill.”AgitationbleedsthroughDeclan’svoice.
ThefoodIatefordinnersitslikealeadblockinmystomachandthreatenstocrawlupmythroat.
Calspareshimalook.“I’mnotbackingout.I’mjust…amendingit.”
“Fuck.”Rowansighsuptothesky.
“Amendingwhat?”Declan’sjawclenchessohard,Icanmakeouttheslightticfromhere.
“IflyouttoArizonaonFriday.”
“Forwhat?”
“Rehab.”
Mychesttightens.I’mproudofhimforbeingopenandhonestabouthisstruggles.Itwillonlyhelphiminthelongrunifhefeelslikehecancountonthosearoundhimtosupporttheprocess.
“Rehab?Rightnow?Whathappenedtotheplan?”Declansnaps.
Whatplan?
Theoneheobviouslynevertoldyouabout.Thehairsonmyarmsrise,pointingstraightup.
Alana,eresunatonta.
Rowancursesunderhisbreath.
“IalreadyspoketoLeo.SolongasIsellthehousebytheendofthesummerandcommittogettingsober,thenitwon’taffectearningmypartoftheinheritance.”
MylungsfeelliketheymightexplodefromhowhardIsuckinabreath.Thecorkscrewfallsfrommyfingers,landingonthewoodfloorwithasoftthud.
Piecingthepuzzletogetherisn’thard.Infact,it’ssosimple,myeyeswaterfromhowstupidIwastonotputeverythingtogethersooner.
Cal’swillingnesstocomebacktoLakeWisteriawhenhecouldhaveleftthehousealonewithmeinit.
Hisinsistenceonsellingthehousedespitemypersonalfeelings,playingonmydreamsandloveforCamitogethisway.
Thewayhemademebelievehewantedtogotorehabwhen,inreality,hewasonlygettingsoberforastupidfreakinginheritance.
Oh,Alana.Whenwillyoueverlearn?
Imightnothaveeverysingledetail,butIhaveenoughtounderstandjusthoweasilyIwastakenadvantageof.HowdesperateIwastobelievehewantedtogethelpafterhespentsixyearsdoingjustfinewithoutmeandsobriety.HowstupidImusthavelooked,willingtoputthehouseonthemarketsoonersolelybecauseIwantedhimtogethelp.
Justanotherpersonwholiedinordertogetsomethingoutofme.
Asingletearslipsoutofmyeye,butI’mquicktoswipeawaytheevidence.
Youwillnotcryoverhim.
Mygutchurns,andIclingtothesink,willingmyselftokeepmydinnerdown.Acidcrawlsupmythroatregardless,andIbreathethroughmynosetostopmyselffromgettingsick.
Declanbreaksthesilence.“Whathappenedtotheoriginalplan?”
“Itchanged.”
“Thenchangeitback.There’stoomuchatstakehereforyoutobebettingtwenty-fivebilliondollarsandyoursharesofthecompanyonyoursobriety.”Declan’svoicecomesoutflat,asifthetopicofgettingsoberisachoreratherthananaccomplishment.
Cal’seyesroll.“Thanksforthevoteofconfidence.”
“Hey,iseverythingokay?”
IjumpinplaceatthesoundofIris’svoice.ShebendsdowntopickupthecorkscrewIdropped,whichgivesmeenoughtimetopullmyselftogetherandputonahappyface.
“Yup.Ijustcouldn’tfigureouthowtoproperlyuncorkthebottlesinceIdon’tdrink.”Mynervouslaughbordersonhysterical,butIrisdoesn’tseemtonoticesinceshedoesn’tknowme.
“Youshouldhavejustbroughtittous.Wecouldhavedonethat.”Shegrabsthebottle.
Ifreezeasabreezecomesthroughthewindow,thescentofcigarspermeatingtheair.I’mafraidtherapidbeatofmyheartwillbetraymewithhowharditpoundsagainstmychest.
Iris’snosetwitches.“What’sthatsmell?”
Ilookaroundthekitchen,doingmybesttotrytolookconfused.
Iris’sgazelandsonthecurtainswayinginthebreeze.“Ahh.Someoneleftthewindowopen.”Shereachesoverthesinktoshutit,onlytopausebeforeshedragsthepanedown.
“Everythingokay?”Iask.Thebloodinmyearsmakesitimpossibletohearmuchbesidesmyownheartbeat.
Herbackfreezes.“Yeah.JustthoughtIoverheardoneofthemtryingtotalkshitaboutus.”
Thistime,myfakelaughtercomesoutmoregenuine.“LikeDeclanwoulddaretalkbadaboutyou.Safetosayheisobsessed.”
AtleastoneKanebrotherisloyal.
Sheturnsaroundwithasmile.“Thesamecanbesaidaboutyou.Idon’tthinkI’veseenCalthishappyinwell…ever.”
Itrytosmile.Itrysodamnhard,myeyetwitchesandmycheeksache.
Herheadtilts.“Areyousureeverythingisokay?”
“Yup.Justfightingtheearlysignsofamigraine.”
Asmallfrownmakesherforeheadwrinkle.“Oh,no.Doyouwantanymedicine?”
“I’vegotsomeinmypurse.Hencethewater.”IreachfortheglassofwaterIleftabandonedonthecounterandleadthewayoutofthekitchen.I’mcarefultokeepmyheadheldhighdespitetheunbearableweightpressingdownaroundme,threateningtodrownme.
Youwillnotlethimbreakyou.
YetnomatterhowmanytimesIrepeatthephrase,bitsandpiecesofmyheartbreakoffandshatteragainstthefloor,leavinganinvisibletrailofmydespair.
AssoonasIputCamitosleep,Ilockmybedroomdoorandpulloutmyphone.
SOS
Textspopupinstantly.
Delilah
Iseverythingokay?
Violet
Whatdidhedo?
IcanalwayscountonViolettopointfingersfirstandaskquestionslater.Tonight,Ineedtoborrowsomeofheranger.AtleastthatwayIcanfeelsomethingotherthannumbness.
EversinceIoverheardtheconversationoutside,I’vebeenonautopilot.JustgoingthroughthemotionsuntilIcouldcrawlintoaballandprocessthelastfewmonthsofmylife.
MyfingersshakeasItype.
Ioverheardsomethings…
Myphonevibratesinmyhandfromanincomingvideocall.
“I’mgoingtokillhim,”Violetseethes.
“Whatdidyouoverhear?”Delilah,thevoiceofreason,asks.
“Holdon.”Ientermybathroomandturnontheshowertodrownoutanynoise.“I’mnotentirelysurewhatIheard.”
Oh,you’resure.Youjustdon’twanttobe.
Islidedownthewallandcradlethephoneagainstmychest.Panicbuilds,soItakeafewdeepbreaths.
“Alana,talktous.”
“Ifeelsostupid.”Myvoicequivers.
“You’renotstupid.Heis,”Delilahsays.
“Youdon’tevenknowwhathappened.”IfCalkepthissecretabouthisinheritancefromme,Idoubtanyoneelseissupposedtoknow.
Whyareyoustillbeingloyaltohim?
BecauseIstupidlyfellinlovewithhimdespitehavingeveryreasonnotto.
God.HowdidIputmyselfinthispositionagain?
TheskinsurroundingViolet’seyessoftens.“Wedon’tneedallthefacts.Ifitmakesyouupset,thenthat’salltheinformationweneed.”
Ipropmyheadagainstthewall.“WhatamIsupposedtodo?I’mstuckherewithhim.”
“Comehome.”Violet’slipspresstogetherintoathinwhiteline.
Isniffle,fightingthetearsthreateningtofall.“No.Ican’tdothattoCami.”
“Shewouldunderstand,”Delilahoffers.
“No,shewon’t.Youknowhowmuchshewantedtogoonthistrip.”Idon’thavethehearttotakeitawayfromhernomatterhowmuchIamhurting.
“Howcanwehelp?”Delilah’ssoftvoicesoothesthethrobinmychest.
“I’mnotsureifyoucan.I’mtheonewhogotmyselfintothismess.”
Notjustyourself.
Fuck.Cami.
IfIhadn’tbeensona?ve,shewouldhavenevergottenclosetoCal.Icouldhavekeptmydefensesupinsteadoflettingmyheartruleovermybrain.
Didyouseriouslylearnnothingfromthepast?
Therealizationmakesmelosethebattleagainstmytears.Afewfall,slidingdownmycheeksbeforelandingonmydress.
Youletthemformabondtogether.
“Alana,”Violetcalls.
Ilookupattheceiling.Myvisionblursfromthetears,dullingthefluorescentlighting.
“Lookatme.”Violetspeaksfirmerthistime.
Myeyesslidetomyphone.“What?”
“Whateverhappened…noneofitisyourfault.”
Mychestpricks.“Itsurefeelslikeit.”
“Wewillmakehimpayforwhathedid.ThatmuchIpromise.”
Mylaughcomesoutbrokenandhollow.“Idon’twantrevenge.Ijustwanthimgone.Forever.”
“Thenthat’swhatwewilldo.”
Heruseofwemakesmeemotionalforacompletelydifferentreason.
You’renotaloneinthis.
VioletandDelilahremainonthephonewhileIcryitout.Cometomorrow,Iwillneedtopretendnoneofthiseverhappened,soIallowmyselftofeeleverythingtonight.Myanger.Mysadness.Mybetrayal
ImightnothaveeverythingfiguredoutbythetimeIstopcrying,butI’msureofonething:CallahanKaneisgoingtoregreteverthinkinghecouldtakeadvantageofmykindnessandgetawaywithit.Lanahasbeenactingstrange.EversincewereturnedfromRowanandZahra’splace,shehaskeptquiet.BeforeIhadachancetoaskherwhatshethoughtaboutthenight,shedisappearedintoCami’sroom,claimingsheneededtogetherreadyforbed.
BythetimeIcomeoutoftheshower,thedoortoherroomislockedwithnoanswerwhenIknock.
Sheisprobablystillintheshower.
ItakeaseatonthecouchandpullupCandyCrush.Myhighestscorewasquicklybeatenbythesamelittlegitacrosstheworldwhoscoredthetopspotbyameaslythreepoints.
I’mnotsurehowlongIplayfor.Lanadoesn’teveropenherdoor,soIlosetrackoftime.Ionlyquitoncemyeyesstarttogetheavy.
IrisefrommyspotonthecouchandknockonLana’sdooragain.
“Lana.”Myknucklestapagainstthewood.
Noanswer.
Ipressmyearagainstthedoorbutstillcan’thearanything.
Ratherthanwaitaround,Igotomyroomandtexther.
Everythingokay?Youdidn’tanswerwhenIknocked.
Mytextgoesunanswered,too.EitherLanafellasleepthemomentsheputherheadonthepilloworsheisavoidingme.Whilethefirstoptionishighlyplausible,especiallyafterthelongdaywehad,Ican’thelpconsideringthesecond.
Isiftthroughthememoriesofthenight.Frommypointofview,itseemedlikeshehadagreatnight.LanagotalongwellwithZahraandIris,andsheheldherownwhengoingupagainstDeclan.SheevengotthatspecialglintinhereyesthatIlovewhenRowantriedtobuyoutherrecipeforamilliondollars.
Idon’tthinkanythingwentwrong.YetIcan’tseemtoshakethenaggingsensationinthebackofmyhead.
ItextIrisindividually.
Hey.
TimegoesbypainfullyslowasIwaitforhertoanswer.
Hey.What’sup?
DidanythingseemoffaboutAlanaafterdinner?
Thedotsappearanddisappeartwicebeforeamessagepopsup.
I’mnotsure.AskmetomorrowwhenI’msober.
Ithrowapillowovermyfaceandgroan.AlthoughIriswon’tbemuchhelptonight,Iplanonhoundingherforanswersoncesheiscoherentenoughtorememberwhathappened.
SleepevadesmenomatterhowlongIlieonthebed,staringupattheceilingasIcombthrougheverythingthathappenedtonightforasecondtime.Despiteconsideringeverylittledetail,Ican’tthinkofanythingthatmighthaveupsetLana.Myfamilywasontheirbestbehavior—ashockerinitself—soI’mnotsurewhatcouldhavegonewrong.
Justaskherinthemorning.
It’sthelastthoughtIhavebeforemyeyesslideshutandmybreathingevensout.
“Hey.”IkissthetopofLana’shead.Shedoesn’tleanintomelikesheusuallydoes,whichonlyaddstomygrowingevidencethatsomethingiswrong.
IalreadytextedIrisearlythismorning,butshehasn’tansweredyet.Knowingmysister-in-lawandtheheadacheshegetsafterdrinkingtoomuchwine,itmightbealittlewhile.
“Hi.”Hergazeflickersfromherfoodtomyfacebeforeturningbacktoherplate.
Itakeaseatnexttoherandwrapmyarmaroundthebackofherchair.Lanaiscarefultokeepfromtouchingme.
“Everythingokay?”Itwirlapieceofherhairaroundmyfinger.
“Justtired.”Shetakesalongsipofhercoffee.
“Youwenttobedearly.”
“Ihadaheadache.”Herlipsthin.
“Areyoufeelingbetterthismorning?Wecanalwaysskipthewaterparktodayifyou’renot.”
“I’mnotgoingtoletCamidownnomatterhowshittyIfeel.”Somethingpassesacrossherface,butitfadesawayquicklyasshereturnstoheremptyexpressionthatmakestheacidrollinmystomach.
“Doyouwantmetogetyousomemedicine?”
“Sometimesthebestcureistime.”Shelooksawayinapoorattempttohidetheticinherjaw.
“Ready!”Camicomesoutwearingabathingsuitandacover-upskirtthatresemblesamermaidtail.
Lanaplaceshercuponthetableandstands.“Perfect.Letmehelpyouwithyourhair.”
“Canyoudoabraidcrown?Prettyplease?”
“Sure.”Shewalksaroundthetable,leavingmebehind.
Comparedtotheicyinteractionwithme,Lanaisnothingbutwarmtoherdaughter.ThetightnessinmychestintensifiesuntilI’msubconsciouslyrubbingatthespotovermyheartwithafrown.
Thesilencesurroundingmeaddstotheweightpressingagainstmychest.AfterspendingweeksaroundCamiandLana,eatingmealsaloneseemsunbearable.
ItakeadeepbreathandfightthetemptationtodrinkasIpulloutmyphoneandtextIrisagain.
AlanaisactingweirdandIdon’tknowwhy.
Ithinksomethinghappenedatdinner.DidDeclanpullherasidewhenIwasinthebathroomorsomething?
Isitwithbatedbreath,waitingforatextthatnevercomes.
Sheisprobablystillsleeping.
Insteadofstewinginthequiet,obsessingoverwhyLanaisupset,IeatbreakfastandgetreadyforadayattheDreamlandwaterpark.
BythetimeIamtyingthestringofmyswimtrunks,Camiboltsintomyroom.
“Let’sgo!”
Igrabmyshirtoffthebedandfollowheroutoftheroom.
Lanaisdressedinawhitedressthatbringsoutthewarmtonesinhertanskin,andherwavyhairispulledbackinanintricatebraid.
Ipausemidstep,withmyshirthanginginmyhandasIcheckherout.
“Youlookbeautiful,”Irasp.
Hergazedropstomybodyforonlyasecondbeforesheturnsawayandbusiesherselfwithsearchingforsomethinginherpurse.
Noresponse.Noacknowledgment.Noanythingbutcold,desolatesilenceeatingawayatthecalmnessIfeelinherproximity.
Thestomach-churningsensationfromearlierreturns,accompaniedwithasicksenseofdread.
Camigrabsmyhandwithahugesmile.“Ready?”
AtleastwhateverLanaisfeelinghasn’taffectedCami,whichgivesmealittlehope.BecauseifIdidn’tdoanythingtoaffectmyrelationshipwiththelittlekid,thenwhateverhappenedwasspecifictoLana.
IfonlyIknewwhat.
Sincemyphoneiskeptawayinalockerthewholeday,Idon’thaveachancetocheckIris’smessagesuntilwearedonewiththewaterpark.WhileLanaisbusyinthebathroomhelpingCamichangeintoadrypairofclothes,IreadthetextIrissent.
Hmm.Everythingseemedfine.Andno,Declandidn’tspeaktoher,althoughI’msureAlanawouldhavebeenfinewiththat.
Youdon’trememberherseemingoff?
Hermessagecomesalotfasterthistime.
I’mjustgettingtoknowher,soIdon’tthinkso.Why?
Iwipemyfacewithfrustration,mufflingmygroan.
Shehasbarelyspokentometodayandlockedmeoutofherroomlastnight.
Didyoudosomething?
No.
AtleastIdon’tbelieveso.AllI’vedoneistrytomakethisweekspecial.
Areyousure?
Yes.Sheseemedhappybeforeandevenduringdinner.
Letmethink…
ItakeaseatonabenchanddropmyheadintomyhandswhileIwaitforherreply.
AfterAlanagrabbedthewinebottleoutofthefridge,sheseemedalittlemorequiet,butshementionedhavingaheadache,soIdidn’tthinktoomuchofit.
Shementionedthesamethingtomeabouttheheadache,butthatwouldn’texplainherattitudetoday.
Anythingoffaboutthekitchen?
BesidesalingeringsmellofwhateverDeclanburntcomingfromthetrash?Nope
Mygroanoffrustrationdrawstheattentionofafewpeople.
Whydon’tyouaskher?
IwantedtohaveallthefactsbeforeItriedagain.
Keepmeposted.
Sheaddsasalutingemojiafterhermessage.
Ifyoudon’thearfrommein24hours,callthecops.
Yougotit.
IattempttospeaktoLanaprivatelytwiceaftermytextconversationwithIris,butshedoesanincrediblejobkeepingbusywithCami,theparks,andeverythingelseDreamlandhastooffer.IfsheandCamiaren’tintheroom,theyareoutvisitingthedifferentresortsandtouristareas.Lanadoesn’ticemeoutcompletely,butitfeelsasifsheerectedanimpenetrablewallbetweenus
Isuccumbtodrinkingagaintoeasetheanxiousfeelingsfesteringinsidemelikeaninfection.Itmakesmefeellikeshittodependonalcohol,butIdon’tknowhowelsetocopewiththestress.It’seitherthatorcornerher.AndknowingLana,shewon’trespondwelltothatkindofconfrontation.
Bythetimeweareboardingtheprivatejet,Istillhaven’thadasingleopportunitytospeakwithher.Mytextsareignoredandmyknocksonherdoorgounanswered,whichonlyfuelsmygrowinganxiety,andwithit,moredrinking.
MyshouldersslumpasIdropintothelargeseatacrossfromthecouchCamiloves.Unlikethelasttime,CamileavesroomforLanatosit.ThetwoofthemspendtheentireflightbacktoMichiganwatchingDreamlandmoviesandlaughingtogether,althoughLana’ssmilesneverquitereachhereyes.It’sthesamesmileshehadplasteredonherfacethemakesmychestache,knowingitisawatered-downversionofherrealsmiles.
IvowinthatmomenttospeaktoLanatonight,evenifitmeanshavingtotieherdowntogetsomeanswers.Itriedmyabsolutehardesttomaketherestoftheweekgobysmoothly.Itnearlykilledmetoputonabravefaceandchargeforward,knowingthateverythingcomingoutofCal’smouthwasalie,butIdidsoforCami.ShealwayswantedtogotoDreamland,andIwasnotgoingtoruinherexperiencebylettingmypersonalfeelingsaboutamangetintheway.
IfanyoneistoblameforbelievingCal,it’sme,soit’sonlyrightIsufferthroughtherestoftheweek.AndsufferIdid.EveryinteractionwithCalfeltlikesomeonewaspiercingmychestwithathousandneedles.
Calknowssomethingisup.Ihaven’tdoneagreatjobathidingit,butCalreadsmelikehisfavoritebook—everysinglehighlightmemorizedandeveryotherpagetabbed.
Hisabilitytorecognizemytellsiswhatmakeshimperfectatplayingmelikeafool.Heknowswhichbuttonstopushandwhatmagicwordstosay,leavingmevulnerabletohismanipulations.
Notanymore.
Istareupatthenightsky.Waterslapsagainstthedock,fillingthesilence.BesidesthequickrustleofCami’ssheetsmakingthebabymonitorcrackle,I’mleftalonewithmythoughts.
Whatamiserableplacetobe.
I’mnotsurehowlongIsitunderthestars,watchingthemoon’sreflectiondanceacrossthewater.Comingoutherewasarisk,butoneIfoundworthtaking.
IknewitwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeCalcorneredmeonthedock.Afterall,it’swhereourstorybegan.
“You’regoingtofallinifyou’renotcareful.”
Ilookawayfromtheglitteringwater.MyneckcranesasItakeinthetallkidwithhairthatmatchesthesunshiningaboveusandblueeyesthatrivalthewaterinfrontofus,clearerthanacloudlessday.
Everythingabouthimscreamsmoney.Boatshoes.Pastelshorts.StripedT-shirt
Ihaven’tseenhimbefore,butthatisn’tsayingmuch.MyfamilyonlyjustmovedherefromColombia.
Mynosewrinkles.“Nohabloinglés.”
Hiseyessparkle.“Queraro.Teheescuchadohablarcontumamáeninglésantes.”
Damn.Busted.
“MynameisCal.”Hesmiles.
“Cal?”Myaccentpeeksthrough,accentuatingtheahsound.
Helaughsashedropsontothedockandcrisscrosseshislegsnexttome.
“Whatareyoudoing?”ItrymybesttoannunciatemywordslikehowIlearnedfromwatchingtoomuchAmericanTVafterschool.
“GrandpatoldmeyoumovedherefromColombiaafewweeksago.”
MychesttightensasIthinkabouthome.MamiwantedafreshstartafterPapileftus,soshecalledacousinwhomovedtotheStatesandboughtthreeone-wayplanetickets.Antohasspentmostofherdayslockedinherroom,whileI’vehungoutbythelakebymyself,ignoringmymom.IfI’mgoingtoprotestlivinghere,Imightaswellenjoytheview.
“Yup.”MaybeifIkeepmyanswersshort,hewillgoaway.
“Doyoumissit?”
“Yes.”
“Doyouhaveanyfriendshere?”
Ireleaseaheavybreath.“Whyareyouasking?”
“Youlookedlonely.”
BecauseIam.“So?”
“So,Ithoughtwecouldbefriends.”
“Idon’twantany.”MakingfriendswithanyonemightmakeMamibelieveI’mhappyaboutlivinghere.AndifshethinksIlikeithere,thenwewillnevermovebacktoColombia.
Hissmilewidens,takingupthelowerhalfofhisface.“Okay.Nofriends.”
Hedoesn’tleave,whichonlyannoysmemore.Instead,hestaresoutatthelakeandtapshisfingersagainstthewoodplankinamindlesspatter.
Iclampmyhandoverhistostopthetappingsound.“Willyoustop?”
“Sorry.”Hischeeksturnpink.“Ican’thelpitsometimes.”
“Why?”
Helooksawayfromme.“BecauseI’vegotissues.”
“Sayswho?”
“Mydad.”
Mylipspurse.“Soundslikeapendejo.”
Asmallsmiletugsathislips.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Ishrug.“Idon’tknow,butIthinkit’sabadword.Mymomsaidittomydadwhenhemadehercry.”Mychestachesatthememory,butIdomybesttopushthethoughtaway.
“Pendejo.Ilikeit.Whatotherbadwordsdoyouknow?”
IspendtherestoftheafternoonteachingCalabunchofbadwordsIhaveoverheard,andheteachesmetheEnglishequivalent.Bythetimemymomiscallingusinfordinner,Irealizethesunhasalreadysetandmycheekshurtfromsmilingsomuch.
“Areyoueatingwithustonight?”Caloffersmehishand.
Itakeitandgaspatthelittletingleinmyfingers.“Youshockedme!”
Helaughs,whichmakesmelaugh.
ForthefirsttimesinceImovedtoAmerica,Iwonderifitisn’ttheworstthingintheworldtomakeafriend…
“Lana.”
Thememoryshimmersaway,andtheyoungerversionofCalisreplacedbytheman.Thesamemanwhobrokemyheartagain,althoughthistimefeelsevenworsethanthelast.Before,Ihadhopehecouldgetbetter.Thathewouldsnapoutofhisselfishbehaviorandchoosetobeabigger,betterversionofhimself.
ThathopewasnothingbutalieItoldmyselftofeelgoodaboutoursituation
“MindifItakeaseat?”heasks.
Istareoutatthelakewithoutreplying.
Heleavesroombetweenusashesitsdownnexttome.Mypinkyfingeryearnstointerlockwithhis,butIrepressanyurgetotouchhimbyholdingontomyanger.
“What’swrong?”Helooksoveratme.
“Alotofthings.”Icontinuetofaceforward,althoughthefeelofhisgazetemptsmetoturntowardhim.
“Wanttotalkaboutit?”
No,butwhatchoicedoIhave?It’snotlikeIcanignoreCalforever,andnowthatDreamlandisnolongeranissue,I’drathergeteverythingoffmychestsohecanleaveonceandforall.
“Whyareyousellingthehouse?”IcomeoutandaskthequestionIalreadyknowtheanswerto.Itmightbestupid,butIhopehecomescleanandadmitstohisplan,evenifitmeansriskingwhatfragilethingwehavebuilttogether.
MaybethenIcouldlearntoforgivehim
Outofthecornerofmyeye,Icanmakeouttherarefrownlinecuttingacrosshisforehead.
“We’vealreadygoneoverthis.”
Myheartpoundsinmychest,thepacegrowingmorerapidwitheachpump.“Thenrepeatit.”
Tellmethetruth.Givemeareasontogiveyouanotherchance.
Hereleasesaheavyexhale.“Iwantustobeabletomoveforwardwithoutthehouseholdingusback.”
Hisroundaboutanswerdoesnothingtostopmychestfromcavinginonitself.Eachbreathbecomesimpossible,thetightnessinmylungsmakingthemburnwitheveryinhale.
Icarryon,myfaceamaskofcoolindifferencedespitetheconstantthrobofmyheart.“WhatifIwanttokeepit?”
Hisfingerstenseagainsthisthighs.“Lana…”HewhispersmynameasifI’mhurtinghimonsomefundamentallevel,whenIknowthatisn’tthecase.
I’mtheonewhoishurting.
I’mtheonewhogetstobemad.
AndI’mtheonewhoisgoingtowalkawaythistime.Notbecauseofhisaddiction,butratherbecauseofwhoheisregardlessofthedrinking.Selfish.Self-centered.Self-destructive.
Myfingerspressintomythighs.“Whatifitmakesmehappytokeepthehouse?Afterall,Ialwaysdreamedofraisingafamilythere.Iwantedtoenjoysummersbythelake,bakingandbuildingshipsandswimmingwiththekidsuntiltheirlimbscrampup.”
Icanseethefuturesoclearly,ittakesthepaininmychestandmultipliesitbyahundred.Becauseevenafterallthelies,IwantthatfuturewithCal.
YouwantedthatfuturewithCal.There’sapasttenseforareason,sostartusingit.
God.I’msostupid.
“Whythathouse?”Hisvoicecracks.
“Becauseit’sours.Youmightwanttoforgetaboutallthehistorythere,butIdon’t.Andintheend,yourunningfromahousewon’tsolveanythingwhentherealthingyou’rerunningfromisyourself.”
“Whereisallthiscomingfrom?”Helooksoveratmewithwildeyesreflectingexactlyhowhefeelsabouttheinheritance.
Desperate
Foronce,we’reonthesamepage.BecauseIfeeldesperatetoo.Desperateforhimtotellthetruth.Desperateformetostaystrongdespitetheurgetocrumblebesidehim.Desperateforusnottoloseeverythingwehavebuilt,evenifitwasbuiltonalie.
“Didyourgrandfatherleaveyouaninheritance?”Iaskpoint-blank.
“Yes.”Caldoesagoodjobkeepinghisexpressionflat,althoughthetwitchofhisfingersgiveshimaway.
“Heaskedyoutosellthehouse,”Isaywithcertainty.
Onesinglenodmakesmyheartexplode.Likeabomb,itdetonates,blowingupanychanceofmeevertrustinganotherwordthatcomesoutofhismouth.
Ialreadyknewthetruth,buthavingitconfirmeddestroyswhateverbitofcalmIhadleft.
“Isee.”Mytonguescrapesagainsttheroofofmymouth.
“Howdidyoufindout?”herasps.
“Ioverheardyourconversationafterdinner.Someoneleftthewindowopen…”Abitterlaughcrawlsupmythroat,makingmyearsachefromtheshrillsound
“Whateveryouheard,it’snotwhatyouthink.”Hestumblesoverthewords.
“Ofcourseit’snot,”Ireplysarcastically.“Eitherway,Icontactedtherealestateagentandtoldhimtolowerthelistingprice.Hesaidit’sonlyamatteroftimebeforesomeoneputsanofferin.”
“Youdidwhat?”Hisvoicecomesoutlow,hisangerdrippingfromeachsyllable.
Istandandbrushthedirtoffmyleggings.“Congratulations,Cal.Hopethetwenty-fivebillionkeepsyoucompanyatnight,becauseIsureashellwon’t.”WhenIturntowalkaway,Calboltstohisfeetandlatchesontomyhand,preventingmefromleaving.
“Letmeexplain.”
“Whatfor?It’snotlikeItrustasinglethingthatcomesoutofyourmouth.”Iripmyhandfromhisgrasp,nearlyyankingmyarmoutofitssocketintheprocess.
Hisfingerscurlintoafist.“Icouldn’ttellyouaboutthewill.”
“Whynot?”
Hisheaddrops.“BecauseGrandpatoldmenotto.”
“Sincewhendoyoulistentowhatpeopletellyoutodo?TheCalIknewandfellinlovewithwouldhavetoldmeaboutthewill.Regardlessofwhosaidwhat,hewouldhavebeenhonest.Forthcoming.Sincere.Hewouldhavereasonedwithmeratherthangonebehindmyback,usingmyloveformydaughtertoworkinhisfavor.”
Heflinches.
Thereisn’tasinglethingIwouldn’thavedoneforCalifhehadaskedmeratherthanlied,includingsellingthehouse.
Hetakesadeepbreath.“Therewasalotridingonmysecrecy.”
“Notnearlyasmuchaswhatwasridingonyourhonesty.”Inanactofbetrayal,thetearsIhavefoughtappear,turningmyvisionblurry.
Hepullsmeintoanembrace.“I’msofuckingsorry,Lana.IswearIwantedtotellyou,butthedecisionwasn’tuptome.”Hisvoiceshakes,matchingthetremblingofhisarmslockedaroundme.
IfthisisthelasthugIamgoingtogetfromhim,thenImightaswellenjoyit.Ileanintohistouch,takingadeepbreathofhisscent,memorizingthenotesofcitrusandsomethingdistinctlyhim.
Myearpressesagainsthischest.Ilistentothesoundofhiserraticheartbeatandallowthesteadythumptogroundme.
Itraceoverthespotabovehisheartwithmyindexfinger.“Didyouevenwanttogetsoberorwereyoualsojustdoingthataspartofthewill?”
“Whatdidyousay?”Hisgraspslipsbeforehecorrectshimself,securingmetohischestlikeheisafraidImightrunoffifhedoesn’t.
Myfingersdigintohisshirt,claspingontothefabric.“Wasthisallsomeintricateplantogetmetoletmyguarddownandsellthehousefaster?”
“What?No.Whywouldyoueven…”Hisbrowstugtogetherbeforetheyrisetohishairline.“Theconversationoutside.Shit—”Hepullsback.
“ForgetIasked.Idon’tcare.”
“Icare.”
Myeyesshutfromthepainslicingthroughmyheart.Iwanttobelievehim.Ireallydo.YetI’mnotsureIwilleverbeabletoagain.Hehastoomuchatstakethatiscontingentonmycompliance.Withthekindofpressureheisunder,I’msurehemightsayanythingtomakesureIdon’tbackoutoftheplantosellthehouse.
Iwon’t.WhateverdreamsIhadaboutthehomearen’tworththeheartacheattachedtothemanwhoownshalfofit.
Ipushagainsthischest.It’saweakshove,buthereleasesmeregardless.
“IwantyougonefromtheguesthousebeforeIwakeupinthemorning.”Myvoicecrackstowardtheend.
Hisfrowndeepens.“Wecanworkthisouttogether.Justletmegethelpandwe—”
“Thereisnowe.Youmadesureofthatthemomentyoudecidedtolietomyfacerepeatedly,makingmebelieveinsomefantasythatwasn’tevenreal.”
Tohiscredit,hetakesmyblowwithoutblinking.“Whatwehaveisreal.”
“Yeah,arealmistake.AndoneIdon’tplanonrepeatingwithyoueveragain.”
HerecoilsasifIphysicallyhithim.
IturnandleavebeforeIlosemynerve.Calremainsattheendofthedock,hiseyesburningaholeintomybackasIwalkaway.EachstepfeelsasifIamtravelingthroughquicksand.MylegsbarelycooperateasIleavebehindtheonlymanIevertrulyloved.
Igivehimonelastglanceovermyshoulder.“AndwhenyouleaveLakeWisteriathistime,don’tbotherreturning.It’snotlikeyouhaveanyreasontocomebackanyway.”
Hisfacecrumpleslikeacrushedsodacan,matchinghowmyheartfeels.
Iturnawayandtakethelongwaybacktotheguesthouse.Despiteeverycellinmybodybeggingmetostop,Iholdmyheadhighandmarchintothehouselikeasoldier,ignoringtheacheinmychestfromwhereCalrippedmyheartout.
It’snotuntilIcrawlintobedthatIgiveintothetears.IcovermyfacewithapillowthatsmellslikeCal,whichonlymakesmesobharder.ForCami.Forme.Andforeverythingandeveryonewhohastakenadvantageofusandthelovewearesowillingtoshare.
TheonlypersonIcancountontomakeourdreamscometrueismyself,andit’stimeIlearnedthatlessononceandforall.IfighteverythinginmenottotakeoffafterLana.Myhandstwitchandmylegsshakewiththeurgetograbherandforcehertohearmeout.ToprovethatIloveherenoughtofightforusandourhappyending.
Unfortunately,Iknowoursituationcan’tbefixedwithwordswhenshethinksI’maliar.
That’sbecauseyouare.
No.Ineverliedoutright,althoughweavingastoryofhalf-truthsdoesn’tmakemeanybetter.Ifanything,Ifeelshittier,knowingregardlessofmyintentions,theresultisstillthesame.
Ihurther.
WhenyouleaveLakeWisteriathistime,don’tbotherreturning.It’snotlikeyouhaveanyreasontocomebackanyway.Hervoice,strongandfearlessdespitethetrembleofherchin,replaysinmyhead.
Lanacouldn’tbemorewrong,evenifshehaseveryreasontobelievesheisright.SolongassheandCamiarehere,IhaveeveryreasontoreturnandfightforthepeopleIlove.Thereisn’tanythingIwouldn’tdotoprovetoherthatmyinheritancehasnothingtodowiththewayIfeelaboutherandmyreasonforgettingsober.
Buthow?
Irunmyhandsthroughmyhair,tuggingatthestrandstocentermyself.Thebiteofpaingroundsmeforamomentandeasesthepanicbuildinginmychest.However,thereliefistemporaryasIcometogripswithoneofthelastthingsshesaid.
IwantyougonefromtheguesthousebeforeIwakeupinthemorning.
Idon’twanttogo,butstickingaroundandupsettingLanaanymoreisn’tanoption.Itwillkillmetoleave,knowingshemostlikelythinkstheworstofme,butIcan’tthinkofabetterpunishmentforhurtingher.
It’swhatyoudeserve.
Isleeplikeabsoluteshit.Myminddoesn’tstoprunning,andIenduptossingandturningforamajorityoftheevening.Bythetimefivea.m.rollsaround,Icallitanightandwakeup.Myheadpounds,soIswallowafewpainrelieversandgettoworkpackingupmybelongingsbeforeLanawakesup.Ifocusonthetaskuntilitiscomplete,andmyluggagelooksaboutreadytopop.
MyroomappearsthesamewayitdidwhenIfirstarrived—emptyandlackinganylife.TheonlythingthatsticksoutisthephotoIleftbehindonthebed.
BeforeIexitthebedroom,IcheckthedrawersandclosetforanythingImighthavemissed.InearlyforgotthefoldedpieceofyellowconstructionpaperthatIkeptontopofmynightstand.Withashakyhand,IopenCami’scardonemoretime.
Getbetter,Cow-L.
Itracethecurveofthewonkyheartbeforetuckingitawayinmybackpack.Thedooracrossfrommineremainsclosed,soIshutminesoftlybehindmeandtakeofftowardCami’sroomontheothersideofthehouse.ThereisnowayIcan’tsaygoodbyetoher.
Lanamightnotlikeit,butIcan’tgoofftorehablettingherkidthinkIabandonedher.ThethoughtofherthinkingIdisappearedwithoutcaringenoughtosaygoodbyeisapunishmentIcan’tbeartaking.
Camiiscurledintoaballunderneathhercovers,clutchingherstuffedlambtoherchest.Shelookssoatpeacecomparedtoherusualwildselfwhensheisawake.
Theacheinmychestthathasn’tgoneawaysinceyesterdayreturns,strongerthaneverbefore.MissingCamiwillbeinevitable.Thekidhasgrownonme,anditfeelslikeI’mleavingapieceofmyheartbehindwithher.
You’llbeback.
IswallowpastthethicklumpinmythroatandshakeCamiawake.Merlinjumpsoffthebedwithahissbeforedartingunderneathit.
“Cow-l?”sherasps.Herhairresemblesaneighties’hairspraycommercialwiththestrandsformingahelmetaroundherhead.
“Hey.”Mysmileisweakatbest,butItrymyhardesttostaystrongforher.
Sheblinksafewmoretimestoridthesleepfromhereyes.“What’swrong?”
“Iwantedtosaybye.”
Herfrownisinstant.“Bye?Why?”
“I’mgoingawayforabit.”
“Where?”
Ireachformybackpackandpulloutthecard.“RememberwhenItoldyouIwassick?”
Shenods.
“I’mgoingtogoseeadoctorsothatwayI’mnotsickanymore.”
HersmalllipsformasmallO
Itakehersmallhandinmineandgiveitasqueeze.“WhenI’mfeelingbetter,I’llcomebackforyouandyourmom.”
“Howlongwillyoubegone?”HerglassyeyesshredwhateverlastbitofdignityIhave.
Youcan’thelphurtingeveryoneyoulove.
It’sacurseIplanonbreaking,butacursenonetheless.
“I’mnotsurehowlongI’llbeaway.”Itdependsonalotofdifferentthings,allofwhichhavetodowithme.
Sheshocksmeasshelaunchesherselfintomyarmsandwrapshersaroundmyneckwithatightsqueeze.“Idon’twantyoutogo.”
BetweenherandLana,I’mnotsureifmyheartwillmakeitthroughthisweekwithoutbeingrippedtoshreds.
Irubherback.“Iknow.”
Shesniffles,makingmychesttighten.
“I’mgoingtomissyou.”Hervoiceshakes.
God,ifIdon’tgetoutofheresoon,I’mgoingtoendupnotleavingatall.“I’mgoingtomissyoutoo.”
“Youpromisetocomeback?”Shepeeksupatmewithtear-soakedlashes.
Iswipeawaythetears,erasingtheevidenceofhersadness.“Ipromise.”
Shereleasesaheavysigh,andthetensioninhershouldersdeflates.
“Ihaveafavortoaskyouthough.”Ituckhercardbackintomybackpackbeforezippingitup.
Hereyeswiden.“Me?”
“Yup.”
“Whatisit?”
Iputonaseriousface,likemyverylifedependsonher.“WillyoutakecareofMerlinforme?”
Shegasps.“You’releavinghimhere?”
Mythroatfeelsallscratchy.“Yup.Ican’ttakehimwithme,soIneedyoutobeincharge.”Andthatway,Ihaveavalidreasontoreturn,whetherLanawantsmetoornot.
AmIusingmycattoconvinceLanatoseemeagain?Absolutely.
DoIfeelbadaboutit?Notintheslightest,althoughI’llbesuretohavefoodandsuppliesdeliveredtothehousewhileI’mgonesoshedoesn’thavetopayforathing.
Shestandstallandsalutesme.“I’lltakecaresofhim.”
“Andbesuretotakecareofyourmomformetoo.”
Herheadtilts,thetinyfrownlinesinherfacemakingherlookolderthansixyearsold.“DoyouloveloveMommy?”
“Iloveloveyourmommymorethananything.That’swhyI’mgoingtogogethelp.”
Herwholefacelightsupfromwhateverideaisbrewingwithinthatbusyheadofhers.“Whatifwegowithyou?”
Shit.Allittakesisoneshakeofmyheadtohavehersmilefalling.
“No.Iwishyoucould,butthisissomethingI’vegottodoonmyown.”Igiveheronelasthugbeforerising.
“Butyou’llbeback,”shestates.
“I’llbeback—foryouandyourmommy.”
“Pinkypromise?”Sheholdsoutherpinkywithawobblysmile.
Ilockourpinkiestogetherandshakeonit.“Pinkypromise.”
Igiveheronelastkissonthetopofherheadbeforeturningaround.MystepfaltersasItakeinLanaleaningagainstthedoorframe,hereyesdarkandherscowlunwavering.
“Hi,Mommy!”
ShelooksoveratCami.“You’reupearly.”Hervoicedoesn’tsoundaccusatory,buttheglareshesendsmywayis.
“Cow-lwokemeup.”Camithrowsmeunderthebus.
Loveyoutoo,kiddo.
“Whydon’tyoutrytosleepforalittlebitlonger?Youhavealongdaytoday.”Lanadoesn’tsayanythingelseasshewalksaway,leavingmetobetheonetoshutthedoor.TheheavinesspressingagainstmyshouldersonlyworsenswitheachstepItaketowardthefrontdoor.
“Key.”Lanaholdsoutherhand.Thereisaslighttrembletoherfingersthatfucksmeupinside.
“Lana…”
“Don’t.”Hervoicewaversasifsheisonthevergeofcrying.
Fuck.
Ipulloutmykeyringandgettoworkremovingthehousekeyfromit.OnceIplaceitinLana’shand,shetucksitintoherbackpocket.
“Goodluckinrehab.”Hervoicesoundsdistant.KindoflikeI’munderwater,fightingthecurrentthreateningtotakemeawayfromher.
“I’mcomingback.”
Shereachesaroundmetounlockthedoor.“Itwon’tchangeanythingbetweenus.”
“Thenwhatwill?”
“Nothing.Yougotwhatyouwanted.Bythetimeyou’reoutofrehab,I’msurewewillhaveabuyerreadytogo.”
“I’mnottalkingaboutthefuckinghouse,”Isnap.
Sheblinks.
“Iknowyouthinktheworstofme.That’sfine.It’snotlikeIdon’tdeserveit.ButjustknowthatIdidn’tchoosetogotorehabfortheinheritance.”
Shescoffsasshecrossesherarms.“Yousuredidn’tchooseitforme.”
“No.Ichosetogethelpforme.”
Hermouthdropsopen.
“IfIonlywantedtheinheritance,thenIwouldhavestuckaroundhereforthirtymoredaysandmettherequirementaskedofme.Butinstead,I’mgoingtorehabbecauseIwanttolovemyselfasmuchasyouloveme.”
Shesucksinabreathbutstaysquiet.
“IwanttobethemanyouandCamideserve.Whetheryoubelievemeornot,that’sthereasonwhyI’mgoingtorehab.I’vebeenthroughtheprocessenoughtimestoknowit’sthirtydaysofabsolutehell,nomatterwhichwaysomeonecutsit.ButeverydayIspendsufferingintheprisonofmymindisworthathousandhappyoneswithyou.”Ileanforwardandpressakissonthetopofherhead.Shedoesn’tmeltintomewithasighlikeusual,buthershouldersdropafraction.
Irunmyknucklesacrosshercheek.“I’msorryaboutthehouse.Iwantedtotellyoueverysingletimethesubjectcameup,butIcouldn’triskmybrotherslosingtheirinheritancesafterallthesacrificestheymade.Theywouldhaveneverforgivenme,andIcouldn’tlivewithmyselfknowingIdestroyedeveryone’slivesaroundme.Ialreadyhatemyselfenoughasitis.”
Shelooksawayandswipesathercheekwithhersleeve.
Iclaspontoherchinandforcehertolookmeintheeyes.“I’llfindawaytofixthis.”
Hereyesshut.“Youcan’t.”
“Isthatadare?”Ihalf-heartedlytease.
Herbottomlipwobbles.“No.It’sareality.”
TheinvisibletalonswrappedaroundmyheartsqueezeuntilI’mleftbreathlessandachy.
IstepbackbeforeIendupkissingawaythesadlookonherface.“I’llreturnforyou.Considerthisyouroneandonlywarning.”
Herlipspresstogether.Iofferherahalf-assedsmilebeforeIwalktomycarwithoutlookingback.
Ican’tlookbackandriskseeingthemistrustwrittenalloverherface.
IcanonlyhopethatwhateverIsaidwillholdheroveruntilIcancomebackandprovethatthereisnothinginthisworldIwantmorethanherandthefamilywecanhave.
Evenifitkillsmeintheprocess.Theonlythingsavingmefromcollapsingface-firstintomybedafterCalleavesisCamineedingtogettocamp.Afterherspendingaweekawayfromallherfriends,sheisbeyondexcitedtogoback,whichmotivatesmetogetmoving.
It’snotuntilIfinallydropheroffthatIamabletoprocesseverything.Atleast,thatiswhatIhadplannedbeforemyfriendsshowedupatmyfrontdoor,eachofthemcarryingabunchofgrocerybags.
“Whatareyoutwodoinghere?”IgawkatVioletandDelilahastheyshuffleintotheguesthouse.
“Weweresummoned.”Violetdropshersetofplasticbagsonthecounter.
“Bywhom?”
Delilahbeginsunpackingthebags.“Cal.”
Irearback.“Calaskedyoutocomehere?Why?”
“Becausehemightbeanidiot,butatleasthe’sathoughtfulidiotwhoknewyouwouldwallowinyourmiseryforafewdaysbeforegivingusacall.”
Idropontothecouchandcradlemyheadinmyhands.“OhmyGod.”Mychesttightenstothepointofpain.
Hecalledyourbestfriendsbecauseheknewyouwouldavoideveryoneuntilyoucouldfacethem.
Thewayhecanpredictmyeverymove…Itmakesmebothhappyandsickatthesametime.HappybecauseIfoundsomeonewhounderstandsmeonacellularlevel,andsickbecausethatpersonhasallthepowertoabuseit.
Andabuseithedid.
Myeyesitch.
Don’tyoudarecry.
Irubatthemuntilthetearsdisappear,althoughtheheavinesspressingagainstmyshouldersremains.
“Didhetellyouabout…”MyvoicedriftsoffasIthinkbetterofrevealingtheinheritance.
“Thewill?”Violetfinishesforme.“Yeah,afterhesworeustosecrecy.”
“Hetoldyou?”
“Hedidn’twantyoutofeelobligatedtokeepasecretlikethatfromus.”
Oh,God.Myshouldersslump.Whywouldherisktheconsequenceoflosinghisinheritanceforme?
Becausehecares.
Ishakemyhead.“Ican’tbelievehetoldyouaboutthewill.”
“Hedidemphasizehowwecouldn’ttellanyoneorelsehisbrotherswillmostlikelyruinourlives.”Delilah’slipspresstogether.
“Eitherway,Istillcan’tbelievehesaidanything.”
“Hewasabitnervous,butIthinkonlybecausehedidn’tliketheideaofleavingyoubehind.”
Mychintrembles.
Delilahdropsontothecouchontheothersideofmeandpullsmeintoahug.“It’llbeokay.”
Violetalsothrowsherarmsaroundme.“Youwillgetthroughthis.”
Ihopeso,becauserightnowtheideaofmovingonfromCalfeelsimpossible.
Especiallywhenheplansoncomingback
It’sbeenaratherquietdinner.I’vespentamajorityofthemealstuckinmyhead,onlyspeakingtoaskCamiquestionsthatgethergoingoffonatangent,hermouthrunningfasterthananairplaneengine.
“Canwewatchamovietonight?”Camiasksinthemiddleofdinner.
“Sure,”IsayabsentmindedlyasItwirlmypastaaroundmyforkwithnointentionofactuallyeatingit.MyappetitedwindleswitheveryreminderofCal.
Theemptyplacematbesideme.
ThesinkfullofdishesthathewouldhavevolunteeredtocleanwithoutmeaskingwhileIhelpedCamiwashherhair.
Merlincurledupunderneaththetable,rightbesidemyfeet,keepingmeconstantcompany.
“ImissCal.”Camisighs.
Myhearttearsintwo.“Youdo?”
Shenods.“Hetoldmehewouldbeback.”
Myforkclattersagainsttheplate.“Hedid?”Thewordscomeoutlikeawheeze.IonlyheardCamiaskinghimforapinkypromise,soIhavenoideawhatCalsaidtoCamiwhilehewasinherroom.
Sheperksup.“Yup.Afterhegetsbetter.”
Thetightnessinmythroatdoesn’teasenomatterhowmanydeepbreathsItake.“Whatelsedidhesay?”
“HeaskedmetotakecareofMerlinforhim.”Hereyesbrighten.“Andyou.”
Mylipspresstogethertosuppressthesobthreateningtoescape.
“Doyouthinkhewillcomebacksoon,Mommy?”
“I’mnottoosure.”Icrackattheendofmysentence.
“Doyoulovelovehim?”
Mybrowstugtogether.“Whyareyouasking?”
“Becausehetoldmehelovelovesyou.”
Asharpstabofpainshootsthroughmychest.“Iknow.”
“Willhebemynewdaddy?”
“Idon’tknow.”Theairwhooshesoutofmelikeaballoonlosingallitshelium.
Hersmilewobbles.“ItoldhimIwishedhewas.”
Iblink.“Youdid?When?”
“Onmybirthday.”
Oh,Camila.Ipullherintoatighthug.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
Shenodsagainstmychest.
IknewCamiwouldloveCal.It’simpossiblenotto,buthearingheradmitshewantedhimtobeherdadcutsthroughme,especiallywhenI’mnotsurethatwilleverhappen.
Calmightreturn,buthowlongwillittakeforhimtofallbackintodestructivepatterns?IrefusetoletCamibeaffectedbyhim—nomatterhowmuchIwishthethreeofuscouldbetogether.Ifhechosetogetsoberforaninheritance,itwillneverstick.ThatmuchIknow.
AndI’mnotgoingtowaitaroundthistimeandwatchthepersonIlovemosthurthimselfagain,evenifIloseabitofmyselfintheprocessonceIlethimgoforever.
It’snotuntilCamigoestosleepforthenightthatCalleavingtrulyhitsme.Hismemorylingersineverycornerofthehouse,remindingmeofthehappinesswesharedtogetherbeforeheblewitallup.
EvenMerlinseemssadabouthisowner’sabsence.HesitsonthecouchinthesamespotCalalwaysoccupiedduringmovienights.Itrytorelaxontheothersideandwatchsomething,butmymindcontinuestodriftbacktoeverythingaboutCal.
Ishefeelingbadabouteverythingthathappened?
Didhemeanwhathesaidaboutgoingtorehabbecausehewantedtoratherthandoingitforhisinheritance?
WillhecomebacksoberandwillingtodowhateverittakestogetmebackorwillhegiveupthemomentIshowabitofresistance?
Questionsrunthroughmyhead,makingitimpossibletoconcentrateonanythinghappeningonthescreeninfrontofme
Withagroan,IshuttheTVoffandabandonmyspotonthecouch.Walkingtowardmyroom,Ipauseoutsidethedoorandturntowardtheclosedoneacrossthehall.
Don’teventhinkaboutit.
ExceptI’mnotthinkingasIentertheemptyroomCalonceoccupied.Hewentoutofhiswaytomakethebed,whichissomethingheneverdidunlessIaskedhim.
I’msoquicktomoveonfromthebed,Inearlymissthewhiterectanglethatdoesn’tquitematchtheeggshell-coloredcomforter.ThedulldiscomfortinmychestmorphsintoasharpacheasIpickitupandreadthemessagewrittenacrossthebackinCal’smessyhandwriting.
Idareyoutowaitforme.
Therealme.
Thesoberme.
Thebestmewhowantstospendtherestofhisdaysgettingdrunkonlifewithyou.
Hedrawsoutascoreboardthatmatchestheplankwehad,exceptthereisanaddedtallytomysidethatwasn’ttherebefore.
Iflipthephoto.MyvisionblursasItakeinthethreeofusatDreamland.CamiandIfacethecamerawithbeamingsmiles,butit’sCalwhostealstheshowwithhissmile.Helookssober.Alive.Happy
Ilosethebattlewithgravityandfallagainstthemattress,holdingthephototomychestlikealiferaftinthemiddleofanocean.Oneedgecreasesfrommycarelessness,soI’mquicktoplaceitonthenightstand.
Everythingsmellslikehim.Thebed.Thesheets.ThepillowIendupcradlingagainstmychestasIcurlintoaball.
Idareyoutowaitforme.
Sevenwordsstealmybreathandfuelmytears.Theyfalldownmycheeksbeforesoakingthepillowbeneathme.I’mnotsurewhyI’mcrying.Isitoutofsadness?Hope?Fearthatwhathesaysmightnotbetrue?
MaybeamixofallthreeifI’mbeinghonest.
Imakeapromisetomyselftoleaveinaminute.Exceptaminutecomesandgoes,andIstillfindmyselfunabletomovefromhisbed.
Atsomepoint,Merlincurlsupagainstme.ThefactthatCallefthimheretellsmeonething.
HereallydoesplanoncomingbackwhetherIwanthimtoornot.
Andapartofmewantshimtodojustthat.ThetripfromLakeWisteriawasablur.Idon’tstopdrivinguntilIparkoutsideIrisandDeclan’shouseontheedgeofthesuburbs.
“Cal?”Irisblinksupatme.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Iflyouttomorrow,”Iblurtout.
“IthoughtyouwereleavingFriday?”Herbrowsfurrow.
Ishakemyhead.“Imovedupmyflight.”
“Why?”
“BecauseLanakickedmeoutoftheguesthouse.”
“Oh,shit.Comeinside.”Irisshufflesmeintothehousebeforeshuttingthedoorbehindme.Ifollowherintothebarrenlivingroom.
Ilookaround.“Whereiseverything?”
“We’removingintothenewhousenextweek.”
“Already?”
Shelaughs.“It’sbeenmonthsalready.”
“Wow.”AsighslipsoutofmeasIsettleontotheairbedIrishassetupinfrontoftheTVasamakeshiftcouch.
“Whathappened?”Shesitsontheothersideoftheairmattress.
“Lanaknowsaboutthewill.”
Iris’sbrowsrise.“How?”
“SheoverheardRowan,Declan,andmetalkingaboutit.”
Herwideeyesonlyaddtothegrowinganxietybuildinginsideofme.“Shit.That’sexplainswhyshelookedlikeadeercaughtinheadlights.”
“Ifuckedup.”
“Whatdidyousayexactly?”
IexplainwhatLanaoverheard.
Irisfrowns.“Didsheatleasthearyouout?”
“Forthemostpart,butthatdoesn’tchangeanything.Shewasalreadyonthinicewithtrustingme,andnow…”
“Shehasnoreasontotrustyouatall,”Irisfinishesforme.
Myeyesdrop.“No.”Shemightnottrustme,butI’llfindawaytoearnitbackandnotriskmyinheritance.
Irisasksmeformoreinformation,soIshareeverythingthathappenedoverthelastfewdayseversincethedinner.
“Icouldtalktoher,”Irisoffersafterhearingmeout.
Irearback.“Howwouldthathelp?”
“Icouldhelpherunderstandwhyyouwouldkeepasecretlikethatinthefirstplace?”
Myheadshakes.“AsmuchasIloveyouforwantingtohelp,Idon’tthinkLanawouldgoforit,soI’dratheryounotunlessshereachesoutfirst.”
“Areyousure?”
“Yeah.I’vedoneenoughdamageasitis.Sendingyouthere…I’drathernotriskupsettingher.”
Irisliftsashoulder.“You’retheonewhoknowsherbest.”
WhichisexactlywhyI’mworried.
“Whatifshedoesn’tforgiveme?”Ivoicemyfearaloud.
Shethrowsherarmsaroundme.“Idoubtyou’llstopuntilshedoes.”
Ireturnherhugwithoneofmyown.Despitemylifeblowinguparoundme,IalwaysknowIriswillhavemyback.
“IjustwantyoutoknowthatI’msoproudofyoufortakinginitiativeandgettinghelpyourself.”
Iswallowpastthethicklumpinmythroat.“Ihaven’tevengonetorehabyet.”
“No,butyourwillingnesstogointhefirstplaceshowssomuchprogress.”
Iliftmychin.“I’mdoingitformyselfthistime.”
“That’swhyitwillwork.You’regoingtogetbetter,andI’llberootingforyoueverystepoftheway.”HergenuinesmilebattlesagainsttheconstantchillthathasbeenpresentinmyveinseversinceIleftthelakehousebehind.
WithIris’shelpandLana’sfriendskeepinganeyeonher,thereisonlyonelastthinggettinginthewayofmeconfidentlygoingtorehabandgettingmylifeinorderonceandforall.
IneverthoughtIwouldspendmythirty-fourthbirthdayvoluntarilyenrollingmyselfintorehab.Itseemsfittingwiththewaymylifeisgoinglatelytospenditallalone,withnothingtokeepmecompanybutmyendlessthoughtsaboutLanaandabunchoffellowalcoholicsgoingthroughvariousstagesofwithdrawalalongwithme.
Nooneatthefacilityacknowledgesmybirthday,whichisfinebyme.IhonestlypreferitthatwaybecauseI’mnotthemostpleasantcompanyatthemoment.NothavingasinglecopingmechanismtodistractmefrommythoughtsmakesmeanxiousanduncharacteristicallyagitatedwitheveryoneIcomeintocontactwith.
NoCandyCrush.Noalcohol.NoLanaandCamitokeepmecompanyasIbattlethroughtherapy,groupsessions,enoughartsandcraftstodrivememad.
DespitebeinggivenmyapprovedamountofAdderall,mybraindoesn’tstoprunning,longafterIamsupposedtobeasleepeverynight.I’mplaguedbythedecisionsImadeandhowLanamightbereelingfromthem.
Ididn’tmeantoleaveheralonewiththefalloutofmychoices,butIdidn’thaveanoption.Stickingaroundwouldhaveonlyhurthermore.Leavingwasthebestoption,evenifitscrewsmeupinsidetobeapartfromherandCami.
It’llbeworthit.
Thepain.Thelackofalcoholtocope.TheconstantremindersofhowIfailedeveryonearoundmebecauseofmyaddiction.
Notanymore.
ImakethesamewishIdidbackatDreamland,althoughIhavenocandleorcaketomakeitofficial.
Iwishtokickmyaddictionforgood.Thedullthrobinmychesthasn’teasedsinceCallefttwoweeksago.Ifanything,itonlygetsworseasthedaysgoon.Myattemptstokeepmyselfbusyonlylastforsolong.WithCamiatherfriend’shouseandVioletandDelilahbusywithwork,Ihavenoonelefttodistractme.
Eventherealtorandthegeneralcontractorhavebeenquietaboutthehouse.WhenIvoicedmyconcernaboutalackofinterestedbuyers,bothassuredmethateverythingwasgoingaccordingtoplan.
Thesilenceintheguesthousequicklybecomesunbearable,leavingmetomyownthoughts.Myheadisapatheticplacetobethesedays.Asad,miserableplacethatremindsmeofafactIhateadmittingtomyself.
ImissCal.
It’simpossiblenottowheneverythingremindsmeofhim.Groceryshopping.Drivingaroundtownwithmytiressquealing.Spendingthirtyminutesscrollingforsomethingnewtowatchonlytosettleonwatchingacompetitivebakingshowwebothhaveseenahundredtimes.
Eachdaydragsonatasnail’space.Withmenotworking,mydaysmainlyconsistoftakingCamitocampandsittingaroundthehouseincaseRyderandthecrewneedanythingfromme.
PartofmewishesCalwouldshowbackup,ifonlyformetobeangryathimagain.It’saselfishthoughtthatIdismissinamatterofseconds,knowingthatheisexactlywhereheneedstobe.Yetstill,Iconsiderwhatitmustbeliketogothroughtheprocess.
Ishestrugglingwithanywithdrawalsymptoms?
Ishewishingheneverwentinthefirstplace?
Ishetalkingthroughhisissuesandfiguringoutwhyhehasdifficultystayingsober?
ThelongerIthinkabouteverythinghesaidbeforeheleft,themoreIwonderifhewastellingthetruth.Callingthelawyertofindoutwouldputtheinheritanceatrisk,soIsettleforthenextbestthing:IrisandZahra.
WeexchangednumbersbeforeIleftthenightofCal’sbirthdaydinner,butIhadn’ttakenadvantageofituntilnow
BeforeIchickenout,Itextthem.
Hey.
Theirrepliescomeinatthesametime.
Iris
What’sup?
Zahra
Hi!
IreleaseashakybreathasIhitsendonmynextmessage,whichIspenttenminutesmullingover.
Iwaswonderingifoneofyoucouldhelpclarifyafewthingsformeaboutthewill.
Iris’sreplyisinstant.
Iris
Icanbethereinfortyminutes.
Fortyminutes?HowisthatevenpossiblefromherhouseinChicago?
Zahra
Ugh.WishIcouldbethere!
Ibusymyselfwithcleaningupthealready-spotlesshousewhileIwaitforIris.Theloudthrumofpropellersinterruptsmeinthemiddleofscrubbingdownthestovetop,andIrushoutsidetowatchahelicopterlandinmybackyard.
“Whatthefuck?”Ishutthedoorbehindme.
Ididn’tknowitwaslegaltolandinsomeone’sbackyard.
Areyoureallysurprised?ThisisLakeWisteria.Anyonecanbeboughtwiththerightprice.
Themomentthebladesstopspinning,Irisdashesoutofthehelicopter.Sherushestothenearestsetofbusheswhileclutchingahandtohermouth.
“OhmyGod.Areyouokay?”
Sheheavesonceinagodawfulreply.IwinceasIhelpgatherherbraidsinmyhandtopreventthemfromfallinginfrontofherface.
Shethrowsuptwicebeforebeingabletostandupright.“Well,thatwentalotworsethanIexpected.”
“Ihave7UpandAlka-Seltzerinside.”
“Soundslovely.”Shewipesathermouthwithafrown.
Ishuffleherintothehouseandfindherasparetoothbrush.Whileshecleansherteeth,Ipulloutsomesnacksthatmymomalwayssaidhelpedasourstomach.
“You’realifesaver.”Irisdropsontothestoolandpopsasaltinecrackerintohermouth.
“Areyoufeelingbetter?”
“Much.Iwantedtodrive,butDeclaninsistedonhavingmefly.”
“Whydidhe?”
Sheliftsashoulder.“Hethoughtitwassafer.”
“Morethandriving?”
Hereyesroll.“Iknow.He’sabitoverbearingthesedays.”
Ishootheralook.“Hatetobreakittoyou,butthat’showhe’salwaysbeen.”
Shecackles.“IseewhyCallovesyou.”
Itense.
Hereyesnarrow.“Hedoesloveyou,youknow.”
Ibecomefascinatedbymymanicure.“Iknow.”
“Butyoudon’ttrusthim,”shestates.
“Hehasn’tgivenmemanyreasonsto.”
Hersoftsmilereacheshereyes.“AlthoughIwasinadifferentpositionthanyouwiththewill,Icanseewhereyou’recomingfrom.”
“Youwere?”
“DidyoureallythinkDeclanandIgotmarriedbecausewelovedeachother?”
Mybrowsraisesohigh,I’mafraidtheymightbepermanentlystuckthatway.
Shesnorts.“ImarriedDeclanbecauseofthewill.FallinginlovewithhimwasaconvenientoutcomeIhadn’tanticipatedhappening.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“Youmarriedhimbecauseoftheinheritance?”
“Amongstotherthings.”Sherunsahandoverherstomachabsentmindedlywithasmallsmile.
Isshe…
Don’tyoudareaskthat.
Ibitedownonmycheektostopmyselffromblurtingoutthequestionburninginthebackofmymind.
Shelooksupatme,asifrememberingI’mstillstandinghere.“Iknowitsoundscrazy…”
“Becauseitis!”
Shelaughs.“Well,ImarriedDeclanbecauseIcaredabouthimanddidn’twanttoseehimlosetohisassholefather.”
“Whatdoeshisfatherhavetodowithanyofthis?”
“Well,that’swhereeverythinggetsalittlecomplicated.Ifthebrothersdon’tcompletetheirindividualtasks,theirfathergetstheirsharesofthecompany.”
“What?Why?”
Sheshrugs.“Theirgrandfathermadeitthatway.”
Shit.“SoifCaldoesn’tsellthehouse…”
“Hisfatherwouldearneighteenpercentofthecompany,plusthesixpercentthatstillremainsunclaimed.”
“Youthinkhisfatherownssixpercent?”
“Notyetatleast.WhateverBradyaskedhimtodoisn’tcompleteyet.”
“AndwhataboutDeclan?”
Asmallsmileteasesatherlips.“He’sclosetogettinghis,butwhateverhappenswithCalandhistaskputsDeclan’ssharesatrisk.”
Myeyesscrewshut.“Calnevermentionedthat.”
Probablybecauseyoudidn’tgivehimachancetoexplainhimself.
GuiltreplacessomeoftheangerI’veheldontoeversinceIfoundoutabouttheinheritance.
“Hedidn’thaveanoptionbefore.Butnowthateverythingisoutintheopen…”
“Ihaven’ttoldanyone.”
Shelaughs.“Ididn’texpectyouto.YoucarejustasmuchaboutCalashedoesaboutyou—nomatterhowangryyouareathim.”
“AmIthatpredictable?”Thereisaharshbitetomyquestion.Sheholdsupherhandsinmocksurrender.“Lovemakespeopledoselflessthings.”
Ipulloutastoolbesideherandsitbeforemylegsgiveout.“Likesellingmyhome?”
Shenudgeshershoulderwithmine.“Calwillfigureitout.”
Myhandsquittheirfidgeting.“Howdoyouknow?”
“Becauseifyouwantit,hewillstopatnothingtomakeithappen.”
“Justlikethat?”
Shesnapsherfingers.“Justlikethat.”
“Whatdoyouthink,Ms.Castillo?”
IlookupfromthewoodfloorthatlooksbrandnewafterRyderrestoredit.ThememoryofCamitakingherfirststepsnearthestairsfadesawayasI’mhitwiththenewsthatthehousewillbereadyinacoupleofweekstobeshowntopotentialbuyers.
I’msureCalwouldbeimpressedbyhowtheremodelisturningout.TheinteriordesignerRyderhiredisdoingaphenomenaljobmakingthehouselookexactlylikeourPinterestboards.Althoughtherearestillsomelast-minutefinishesthatneedtobeadded,everythingislookingjustlikeIwanted.
“Ms.Castillo?”therealestateagentrepeatswhilelookingatmeasifIhavelostmymind.
MaybeIhave.Thelackofsleep,worryingaboutCal,andtheloomingopenhousehavedoneasplendidjobofkeepingmeuplateatnighttothepointofdelirium.
“Yes?”Ishakemyhead.
“DidyouhearanythingIsaid?”
Heatrushestomycheeks.“No.Sorryaboutthat.Doyoumindrepeatingit?”
Hehuffsashepusheshisthick-rimmedglassesupthebridgeofhisnose.“Ijustwasmentioningthatwehaveplentyofpeopleinterestedintheproperty,andwehaven’tevenhadanopenhouseyet.”
“Wow.That’sgreat.”MyvoicecouldnotsoundmorewoodenifItried.
Therealestateagentliftsafuzzybrow.“Soyou’reaware,whenwehavemultipleoffers,thatusuallydrivesuptheprice.”
“Fantastic.”Irockbackonmysneakers.
Hefrowns.“Iseverythingallright?”
“Sure.Whywouldn’titbe?”
Heshutshisfolder.“Ifyou’rehavingsecondthoughtsaboutsellingthehouse…”
“No!”Iraisemyhand.“I’mjustoverwhelmedthatwehavesomanypeopleinterestedintheproperty.”
Yeah,overwhelmedwithnausea.
Histensesmiledoesn’tsettlemychurningstomach.“Ifthingsgoaccordingtoplan,Mr.Kaneandyouwillhavethepropertysoldtothehighestbidderduringtheopenhouse.”
“Great.”Thehollowpitinmystomachwidensattheidea.
“Ithoughtso.Nowaythishousewilllastuntiltheendoftheopenhouse.”
Isuckinabreath.“Let’sstartwiththeopenhouseandtakeitfromthere.”
Therealtorgoesoverthedetailshehasplanned,allwhileIdriftinandoutoftheconversationwithaconfirmatorynodhereandthere.
“Wouldyouliketobepresentwhenthebuyerscomecheckouttheproperty?”
Igivemyheadahardshake.“No.”
I’dratherjumpoffthedockinapairofconcretesneakersthansitthroughhoursofpeoplegawkingatthehomeIlovewhileIidlysitby,lettingmyheartgetshreddedtopiecesknowingoneofthemwillbuyitfromme.
Screwthat.
JustbecauseI’msellingthehousetohelpCalandhisfamilydoesn’tmeanIhavetolikeit.
Theshrillsoundofmyringtonewakesmeup.IthoughtsleepinginCal’sbedmighthelpcuremyinsomnia,butRowan’scallshatteredmytheorybeforeIhadachancetotryit.
Iliebackdownandanswermyphone.“Hello?”
“Alana.”Rowan’sgruffvoicefillsmyear.“Howareyou?”
“Wonderful,especiallynowthatyouwokemeup.”
Hereleasesahuffofair.“Sorryaboutthat.Ididn’tthinkyouwouldbeasleepatninep.m.”
Ninep.m.?!
Shit.IprobablyknockedoutassoonasCamidid.
IgrabthepillowthatnolongersmellsasstronglyofCalandtuckitundermyhead.“Ihaven’tbeengettingthebestsleeplately.”
“Howareyoudoing?”
“Aboutasgoodasonewouldexpectafterfindingoutyourgrandfatherwashell-bentonmakingmesufferforsomereason,althoughI’mnotsurewhy.Iwasgoodtohim.IevenlistenedtohisstoriesaboutIrelandlikeIhadn’theardthesameonesahundredtimesbefore.”
Hislaughissoftandquiet,drawingasmilefromme.“Hewasamanipulativebastard,wasn’the?”
“Ugh.Theworst.Whatdidhemakeyoudo?”
“RunandrenovateDreamlandforsixmonths.”
Iscoff.“AndhereIthoughtwewereonanevenplayingfield.”
“Itwasn’taseasyasitsounds,especiallyforsomeonelikeme.”
“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
“ThatIwasanidiotwhoneededagoodass-kicking.”
Mygrinwidens.“Zahramentionedshehelpedknockalittlesenseintoyou.”
“Shedidalotmorethanthat.”
Icanpracticallyhearthesmileinhisvoice.Bitternessrises,readytoexploitmyinsecuritiesregardingmyownrelationship,butIshoveitdown.
“Iassumeyoudidn’tcallmetogushaboutyourgirlfriend.”
“No,butwhosaysIneededareasontocall?”
“You’reaKane.Youdon’tdophonecallsunlessthereissomethingyouwant.”
Helaughsharderthistime,makingmegrin.“Iwashopingtospeaktoyouaboutthetreslechesrecipe.”
“Seriously?”IthoughthewouldcalltocheckinonthehousesaleortoaskmeaquestionaboutCal.
“Seriously,”herepeatsbackinmytone,whichmakesmeclampdownonmytonguetostopmyselffromlaughing.“Iwashopingwecouldcometoareasonableagreement.”
“Whydoyouwantitsobadly?”
“BecauseIknowtalentwhenIseeit,andyou’retherealdeal.”
Heatcrawlsupmyneckbeforespreadingallthewaytomycheeks.“Really?”
“Yes.Calmentionedyou’reinterestedinopeningyourownbakery,andIrespectthatkindofambition.I’msureyou’llgofarwithyourskills.”
Myphoneslipsfrommygraspfromhowclammymyhandbecomes.Idon’tbreathe,letaloneinterrupthimashecontinues.
“ButI’minterestedindevelopinganewlandthatfeaturesPrincessMariannaandafewothercharactersthatIcan’tsharealotaboutyetunlessyouagreetohelp.”
“DoanyofthesecharactershappentobefromColombia?”
“Wouldthatconvinceyoutosayyes?”
“Depends.Areyoustillofferingmeamillionbucksfortherecipe?”
“Let’smakeitfive.”
“Fivemillion?”
“Calwasrightwhenhecalledmeoutononlyofferingamil.Ijustwantedtoseeifhepaysmoreattentionthanheletson,andheprovedmeright.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“Youdidthatonpurpose?”
Helaughs.“Yeah.”
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”
“Zahra’sstilltryingtofigurethatoneout,althoughcomparedtoDeclan,I’mtheniceone.”
Ishutmyeyestocentermyself.“Thisisalottowrapmyheadaround.”
“ShouldInotmentionthejobthen?”
“Whatjob?”
“I’dliketobringyouonasabakingconsultantofsorts.”
“Abakingconsultant?”Isqueak.
“IseeyouandZahrasharethefondhabitofrepeatingeverythingIsay.”
“Thatsaysmoreaboutyouthanus.”
Hisdeepchucklemakesthespeakeronmyphonecrackle.“Areyouopentothejob?”
“DoIhavetoworkatDreamland?”
“Onlyforaminorityofthetime.Wecanflyyououtonthejetoneweekendeverymonthifthatworks.”
Nope.Notgoingtocommentontheprivatejet,nomatterhowmuchIwantto.
Onceamonthsoundsdoable,especiallyifitisonlyapart-timejob.
“Howmuchareyouoffering?”Iaskwithaserioustone.
“Givemeafewmorerecipesandyou’llberetiringtomorrow.”
Screwretirement.Icouldopenmyownbakeryandtravelaroundtheworld,gettingthebestofbothworlds.
Myansweriseasy.“Youknowwhat?Sure.Whynot?”
“Iwashopingyouwouldbeupforthechallenge.”
Igrin.“WhendoIstart?”
“Doesnextmonthwork?”
WhenfacedwiththeoptiontositathomeallweekendorgotoDreamland,Imakethesamereasonablechoiceanyoneelsewouldmakeinmyposition.
“Sure,solongasCamicancomewithme.”
“Ofcourse.Myassistantwillsendyouallthedetailsandtravelinfo.”
IstareattheceilinglongafterRowanhungupthecallandprocesswhatjusthappened.WorkingfortheKanesmightnotbewhatIexpectedformyself,butanexperiencelikethiswouldhelpmegrowwhilegivingmeanopportunitytolearnfromotherpeople.IcanturnitintotheadventureIalwayswanted.
Andyouachieveditallonyourown.
Maybedreamsdocometrueafterall.I’vehadthirtydaystostewinmydecisions,datingbacktothefirsttimeIevertookmyfirstsipofalcohol.Iwasn’tlikemostkidswhohavetheirfirstdrinkataparty,undertheinfluenceoftoomanyfriendsandnotenoughbraincells.
Noonewasaroundtopeerpressuremeintodrinking.Infact,noonewasaroundtocareatall.Mybrotherswerealwaysbusydoingtheirownthingsandmyfatherwasrarelyhomebeforenineo’clock.,whichmeantnoonewastheretointervene.
Thatfirstnight,IdrankbecauseIwasangryatmyselfformissingagoalandlosingthegameformyteam.
Thenextweek,Idrankbecausemyfathercalledmeastupidfuckforfailingatest.
Thetimeafterthat,itwastheanniversaryofmymom’sdeath.
Slowly,drinkingbecameawaytonumbtheproblems.TodrownoutthenoiseuntilIwasbetterabletocopewiththestressorsaroundme.Exceptthetimetocopenevercame.WhenIwaspresentedwithadversity,Iranandrepeatedthesamehabitsthatgotmeintotroubleinthefirstplace.
Ineverlearnedfrommymistakes.Iwastoolostinmysicknesstocaremuchbeyondstoppingthepain,andeveryonearoundme,especiallymyself,paidtheprice.
Notanymorethough.Iwilldowhateverittakestostaysober,notonlyformyself,butforthepeopleIlovetoo.
Mygrandpawasright.Sobrietyisajourney,excepttogettothefinaldestination,Ineededtosufferthroughamonth-longturbulentplaneridewithnolandingstripinsight.
That’swhatrehabfeltlike.Butunlikethelasttime,IgaveitahundredpercentbecauseIdeservedmyall.IwantedtogetbetterformyselfandthefutureIwillhaveonceIdo.
WhenIlandinChicago,IheadstraighttotheAAmeetingLeorecommendedbecauseIdon’thavetimetowaste.Allthechairsarepositionedinacircle,exposingustooneanother.Itakeoneofthelastopenseats,leavingtheonebesidemeempty.
Thechairpersonbegins,andonebyoneeveryoneintroducesthemselves.It’sanintimategroupmadeupofhigh-profilelawyers,executives,andprofessionals.Irecognizeafewfromcrossingpathsatevents,butnoonecommentsonit.Becauseinthisroom,weareallthesame.
Recoveringalcoholics.
I’vebeenthroughthisprocesstwicealready,soIknowexactlywhattosaywheneveryoneturnstome.
Iriseandtakeadeepbreath.“Hi,mynameisCallahan,althoughIprefertogobyCal,andI’manalcoholic.”
“Hi,Cal,”differenttonesandvoicesreply.
Iignoretheurgetoclenchmyfists.“TodayisthefirstofficialdaywhereIchoosetobesober.”Rehabmighthavehelpedmestartoffontherightfoot,butnothavingaccesstoalcoholisn’tthesameaschoosingtobesober.Atleastnottome.
Iwanttobetemptedbyalcoholandresist.
Iwanttoexperiencepainandovercomewithoutasingledropofvodka.
IwanttoprovetomyselfthatIcanmakeitintheworldasasobermanratherthanonedrivenbytheneedtodrownmyemotionsandinsecuritieswithatemporaryfix.
PeopleclaplikeIjustwontheStanleyCup.
Afewmoreindividualsintroducethemselves.Whileonemanissharinghowheisofficiallyone-yearsober,thedoorbehindmeopens.Everyoneturnstowardthesound.
TheonepersonIneverthoughtIwouldseeatoneofthesemeetingswalksin,shakinganumbrellainonehandwhilejugglingabriefcaseinhisother.
Myfather’seyesconnectwithmine.Hedoesn’tlooktheleastbitsurprisedtoseemehere,butmeontheotherhand?
I’mfloored.
“Lookwhofinallydecidedtoshowup,”thechairpersoncallsout.
IthinkheintroducedhimselfasJeff?Jim?Idon’tremembermuchexceptthathisjobistodefendtheworstcriminalsinallofChicago.
Nowondertheassholedrank.
“SorryI’mlate.”
SorryI’mlate?Myfatherdoesn’tapologizeforshit.
Becauseheisfakingit.
Sincefatecouldn’tbeanymoreofabitchlately,hetakestheonlyemptyseatavailable—rightnexttome.I’mgratefulthatIlookmorelikemymotherbecauseI’dhateforpeopletoconnectthetwoofusasanythingmorethanstrangers.
Afterall,that’sallwewilleverbe.
Thegroupturnstolookoveratmyfather,andhestandswithasigh.“Hi,mynameisSeth,andI’manalcoholic.I’vebeensoberfor640days.”
What.The.Fuck.
Imusthavesaidthewordsaloudbecauseeveryoneturnstowardmewitharangeofexpressions.Myfather’ssoullessgazelandsonme,makingmyskincrawl.
“Havesomethingtosay?”Hislowtoneisawarningsimilartothatofarattlesnake.
“Plenty,startingwithwhy?”
“Forthesamereasonyou’reprobablyhere.”Hetakesaseatandunbuttonsthefrontofhissportscoat.
BradymotherfuckingKane.
Ifmygrandfatherweren’tdeadalready,Iwouldhavemadesurehedidn’tlivetoseetomorrow.
Ispendtherestofthemeetingprocessinghisreasonforbeinghere.Grandpamusthavewantedhimtogetsoberinexchangeforsomething,butwhat?Sixpercentofthecompany?Twenty-fivebilliondollars?
Yethedidn’taskyoutogetsober.Justhim.
Ican’tfathomwhymygrandfatherwouldgothroughallthattroubleofemphasizingtheimportanceofsobrietybeingajourney,onlytoforcemyfatherintoattendingAA.
Itdoesn’tmatter.IfIearnmyshares,thenthemathwillneverbeinhisfavorregardlessifheearnssixpercentornot.
Imullovereverydetail,searchingforcluesoverthelasttwoyears,onlytobedrawnbackintothemeetingbythechippersonslappingachipintomyhand.
“Congratulationsonbeingsoberfortwenty-fourhours.”Thepersoninchargeofpassingoutchipsbasedoneveryone’slevelofsobrietycontinuesontothenextperson.
Ispendtherestofthemeetingflippingthechipbetweenmyfingers.It’snotuntilthemetallegsofchairsscrapeagainstthefloorthatIlookuptofindamajorityofthemembershavealreadyleft.
Myfatherrisesfromhisseat,completelyignoringme.
“Didyoueverwanttogetsoberbeforethewill?”Iaskthequestionthathasbeenfesteringinthebackofmybrain.
Hisbeadyeyesdrillaholeintomyhead.“Ineverhadareasonto.”
Thepiercingsensationinmychestintensifies.“Notasingleone?”
“No,”hesaysinaflattone.
“Whataboutyourkids?”
“Whataboutthem?”
Tothinkyouactuallybelievedyouweresimilartothisman.
Inreality,theonlythingmyfatherandIhaveincommonisanaddiction.Becausewherehefindshisfamilyexpendable,Ifindmineirreplaceable.ThereisnothingIwouldn’tdotoensureImakethemhappy,whichissomethinghecouldn’tevenbegintounderstand,letalonereciprocate.
“Whydidyoudrink?”IblurtoutbeforeIhaveachancetofiltermyquestion.
“BecauseIdidn’tknowhowtostop.”
“Andnowyoudo?”
“Iwasheavilymotivatedtolearn.”
“Becauseofmoney.”Idon’tbothertamperingdownthedisgustinmyvoice.
“Whoareyoutojudge?It’snotlikeyou’reanybetterthanme.”Hegivesmeaonce-overglancethatwouldmakeanyoneelsefeeltwoinchestall.
“I’mherebecauseIwanttobe.”
“Becauseofmoney.”Herepeatsmysamewordsbacktome.
Ishakemyheadandstand.“BecauseI’mworththeeffort.”
Hisquickglancecouldn’tbemoredismissiveifhetried.“Areyousureaboutthat?”
Abitterlaughexplodesoutofme.“Youhavealwaysfoundmetobelacking,butIhavesomethingyouneverwillhave.”
“Aheart?”Hismockingsmirkdeservestobepunched.
“Alifeworthliving.”Iwalkaway.Theheavinesspressingagainstmychestlessenswitheachstepintheoppositedirection.
“Ihavealifeworthliving,”hecallsoutwithanairofdesperationbleedingintohisvoice.
“Thenenjoyitwhileitlasts.”
OnceDeclanbecomesCEOandweallearnoursharesofthecompany,myfatherwillbecometheonethinghespenthisentirelifemakingsureIfelt.
Insignificant.
IwaituntilIgetinmycartocallLana.I’mnotoptimisticaboutheranswering,butIholdmybreath.
Thepitinmystomachonlystretcheswitheachring.Myfingerhoversovertheredendcallbutton,butIstopmyselfatthesoundofhervoice.
“Cal?”Lana’sslightrasptugsatmychest.
God.Imissedthesoundofhervoice.
“Lana.”
“You’reout,”shesaysbeforeadoorshutsonherendofthecall.
“Yeah.Justleftthismorning.”
“Howwasit?”
“TheclosestIeverhopetogettojail.”
Herlaughissoftyeteasesthetensioninmyshouldersbetterthananymassage.
“Howareyou?”Iaskbeforethinkingagainstit.
“Fine.”
“Andhow’sourgirl?”
Thesilencefollowingmyquestionisunbearable,butIrefrainfromfillingit.ThereisnothingIwon’tdotoshowherthatIwantherandCami,evenifitmeansremindinghereverychanceIget.
Lanareleasesaheavybreath.“Shemissesyou.”
Mychesttightens.“Howaboutyou?”It’sastupidquestion,yetIcan’tstopmyselffromaskingit.
“I’vemissedyoutoo.”Shewhispersitlikeadirtyconfession.
Ididn’trealizehowmuchIneededtohearthosewordsfromheruntilshesaidthem.
“Iplanoncominghome.”
“When?”Hervoicehasacertainedgetoit.
“I’mnotsure.”Ibitedownonmytongue.UntilIhavemyshitsortedout,Idon’twanttoreturnbecauseLanadeservesbetterthanthat.ShedeservesthebestIhavetooffer,andatwenty-four-hoursobrietychipisn’tgoingtocutit.
“Thenwhycall?”
“BecauseIwantedtoletyouknowthatI’mgoingtofindawaytomakeeverythingright.”Post-rehabmeismotivatedbyasinglegoal:showLanaandCamithatIwillspendtherestofmylifeprovinghowmuchIlovethem.
“That’sall?”
“AndthatIloveyou,”Iadd.
Shesighs.
Mygriponthephonetightens.“Justgivemetimetofixthis,okay?”
Hersteadybreathingfillsthesilence.
“Okay,”shesaysbeforethelinegoesdead.
“You’reback!”Iristhrowsherarmsaroundmyneckandcries.
ThemomentItextedthefamilychatsayingIwasbackinChicago,IrisrepliedthatshewasonherwaywithDeclan.
Ipeelheroffmeandtakeagoodlookatherface.“Areyoucrying?”
“Yes.Ican’thelpit.”Shewipesatherfacewithfrustration.“Itjusthappens.”
IshootDeclanawhatthefucklook.Heonlyshrugsasifthishappensallthetime.
Waitaminute…DeclanwouldneverbrushoffIris’stearslikethatwithoutagoodreason—
“You’repregnant.”Thewordsflyoutofmymouth.
Shenodswithafewtearsstreamingdownherface.
“Holyshit.Congratulations!”Ipullherbackintoahug.
“Sincewhen?”IlookoverIris’sheadatmybrother.
“Wefoundoutaweekafteryouleft.”
“Iwantedtotellyou,butyouweren’there.”Iris’stearssoakthroughmyshirt.
“Shewasveryupsetaboutthat.Criedforwhatfeltlikeaday,”Declanmutters.
“Thisisdoingwondersformyego.”
Irisslapsmychestwithalaugh.“I’memotional.”
“Yeah,anemotionalwreck,”Ifinishforher.
Shepushesagainstmychest,andIreleaseher.
Hernosewrinkles.“Yousmelllikeanairplane.”
“ProbablybecauseIjustlandedafewhoursagoandhaven’thadachancetoshoweryet.”
DeclanpullsIrisawayfrommeandintohisembrace.“Howwasrehab?”
“Likeaparty,exceptnoonewantstobethere.”
“SoundslikeatypicalFridayforme.”Declan’slipstwitch.
Iris’seyesroll.
“Didyougetthechip?”Declanasks.
Ipullitoutofmypockettoshowhim.“Thatandaniceconversationwithourfather.”
Declan’sbrowstugtogether.“Ourfather?”
“TurnsoutwhateverinheritancehehasiscontingentonhimattendingAAmeetingstoo.”
Mybrotherdropsontotheleathersofa.“Shit.”
“Yup.Mythoughtexactly.”
“Isn’tthat…triggering?”IrissitsdownnexttoDeclanandclaspshishand
Ishrug.“Ispentthirtydaysgettingovermydaddyissues.”
“And?”
“TurnsouttheonlypersonIwashurtingismyself,andsafetosaymasochismisn’tmykinkanymore.”
Declan’ssmileissmallbutpowerful.“Teachmeyourways.”
“Oh,youcanplanonitonceIgetLanaback.”Untilthen,nothingelsematters.
“Whatdoyouthinkyourgrandpaofferedhim?”Irisasks.
“There’sstillsixpercentofthecompanyleftuncontested.”
“IknewGrandpawouldn’tlethimwalkawaywithnothing.Healwayshadasoftspotforthatpieceofshit.”Declanrubsathisstubblewhilestaringoffintothedistance.
“We’llfigureitout.”Ipulloutmyphone.“Areeitherofyouhungry?Iwasthinkingaboutorderingdelivery.”
“Wait.You’restaying?”Irisfrowns.
“IstillhaveafewthingstosortoutbeforeIheadbacktoLakeWisteria.”
“Likewhat?”
“HowthehellI’mgoingtogettokeepthelakehouse.”Ialreadyspokewiththerealestateagentandtoldhimtoholdoffonacceptinganyoffers,soit’sonlyamatteroftimebeforeIfigureoutasolution.
Declan’sfrowndeepens.“Youcan’tkeepit.”
“IhaveameetingwithLeotomorrowtoseeotherwise.”
Hischestfallsfromhisheavyexhale.“Andifhetellsyouthatit’simpossible?”
“ThenI’llfindawaytoprovehimwrong.”
“Cal…”
“What?”
Declanleansforwardonhiselbows.“Youdon’tneedtocomeupwithasolutiononyourown.We’rehereforyou.”
Thepressureinmychestreleaseslikeapoppedballoon.“Don’tgoallsoftonmenowthatI’msober.”
Hislipstwitch.“Asshole.”
“That’smoreIlikeit.”
Iris’sglassyeyesmakemelaugh.
“Seriously?You’recryingagain?”
Shesniffles.“I’msorry,okay?It’sjustsosweettoseeyoutwogettingalongandbeingallbrotherly.”
IfakeheavewhileDeclanglowers,restoringthebalancebetweenusoncemore.
IrisandDeclankeepmecompanyduringmyfirstnightbackfromrehab.Unlikebefore,I’mnotplaguedwithheavylonelinessIwanttodrownwithalcohol.Instead,Ienjoymytimewiththem,allwhileremindingmyselfthatItoocanhavewhattheyhave.
SolongasIputinthework.“Callahan.”Leoclapsmeontheshoulder.“Howareyoudoing?”
“Better.”
Hemotionsformetohaveaseatbeforedoingthesame.“Howwasrehab?”
“Youwantthepoliteorhonestanswer?”Ichewontheinsideofmycheek.
“Shootittomestraight,son.”
“Itwasfuckinghell.Ican’tbelieveIpaidtensofthousandsofdollarstogothroughthatkindofpain.”
Thewrinkledskinaroundhiseyestightens.“Sorrytohearthat,butI’malsoveryproudofyou,andI’msureyourgrandpawouldsaythesameifhewereherewithus.”
“I’dliketothinkso,sincethiswasallpartofhismasterplan.”
Leo’sraspychucklemakesmylipscurveupward.“Allhewantedwasforyoutobehappy.”
Iblinktwice.“Really?”Withalltheshitheputmethroughwiththeinheritanceandhiswill,it’slaughabletohear.HeknewwhatkindofpositionIwouldbeputinwithLana.Theleasthecouldhavedonewasgivemeasecondoption,especiallyifhecaredaboutherasmuchashemadeitseem.
Leomakeshischaircreakasheleansback.“Isthatsohardtobelieve?”
“Aftereverythingherequiredofmethissummer,yes.”
Leochuckles.“Iknowhiswayofgoingaboutthingsseems…unconventional.”
“That’sbecauseitis.”Everythingaboutmygrandfather’swillisfarfromthestatusquo.Likehecouldn’tbearthethoughtofbeingconsideredanythingbutunique,sohedecidedtohavehislegacyliveonlongafterhedid.Rowan’stasktoworkatDreamland.Declan’srequirementtogetmarriedandhaveachild.MehavingtospendthesummeratthelakehousebeforesellingitdespitemygrandpaknowinghowmuchLanalovesit.
“Whateverthecase,heonlywantedthebestforyou.ThatmuchIcanguarantee.”
“EvenifitmeanssellingthehousedespiteLana’sandmywishes?”
Heleansforwardonhiselbows.“DoyoumindifIofferapieceofadvice?”
Mymusclesturntostonebeneathmyshirt.“What?”
Hetwirlsthetipofhismustache.“Therearemultiplewaystobuyahouse.”
Myeyebrowsinchupmyforehead.“Whosaidanythingaboutmebuyingahouse?Sellingoneishardenoughasitis.”
“Itdoesn’thavetobe.”Hislipscurveupwardforasecondbeforedroppingbackintotheirflatline.
Ileanforward.“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?”
“I’msureyou’llfigureitout.”Hisfingersinterlock.“Whatotherquestionsdoyouhaveforme?”
Mybraincan’tkeepupwiththeemotionalping-pongmatchthismanisputtingmethrough.
IpulloutthechipIearnedandshowhim.“IplanonreturningtotheAAgrouptonight.”
“That’sgood.I’msureyou’llgetmethatgreenchipinnotime.”
“Aboutthat…IwantedtoaskifI’mabletosplitmytimebetweenthisAAgroupandonebeingheldinLakeWisteria.”
Hisheadtilts.“Idon’tseewhynot.”
Myshouldersdrop.“Great.”
Thelandlineonhisdeskrings.
Leo’sgazeslidesfromthephonetomyface.“Doyouhaveanyotherquestions?”
“Regardingthehouse—”
“AllIcansayistofollowyourgut.”
“Whatgut?I’vejustbeenwingingitbecauseIhavenoideawhatI’mdoing.”
“Everychoiceyouhavemadeupuntilthispointprovesotherwise.”Heliftsthephoneoffthereceiver.“Nowifyoudon’tmind,thisclientisbeingreadhislastrites…”
Jesus.
“I’llseemyselfout.”Itakeafewstepstowardthedoor.
“AndCallahan?”
IglanceatLeofromovermyshoulder.“Yes?”
“Itrustyou’llfindawaytosortallthisout.”Hereturnstohiscall,andIshutthedoorbehindme.
Itrustyou’llfindawaytosortallthisout?
“Whataloadofshit.”
Aftergoingthroughanotherdreadfulrun-inwithmyfatherattheAAmeeting,allIwanttodoiscallLanaandhearhervoice.So,insteadofkeepingaway,Idojustthat.
“Hey.”IbalancemyphonebetweenmyearandshoulderasIclimbintobed.
Lanareleasesaheavybreathbeforespeaking.“Cal.”
“Howareyoudoing?”
“Fine.”
Iseewearestickingtoone-wordanswersnow.
“Andhow’sCami?”
“Good.”Hertoneisasflatasherresponse.
Myheartpoundsharderagainstmyribcage.“Iseverythingokay?”
Sheletsoutaloudsigh.“Notreally.”
I’llcounthertwo-wordedreplyasawin.“What’swrong?”Isitupinbed.
“Someoneputanofferonthehouse.”
“Oh.”Mystomachsinks.
“Yeah.Oh.”
“I’mgoingtofixthis.”I’mnotsurehowyet,butIwillfindaway.
“Soyousay.”Sheetsrustleonhersideofthecall.
“I’mworkingonit.”
“IrisandItalked.”
Iswallowhard.“And?”
“YouandIbothknowthereisnootheroptionregardingyourgrandfather’swill.AndasmuchasIlovethathouse,thereisnowayI’llletyouscrewovereveryonetokeepit.”
Mychesttightens.“Lana—”
“Ineedtogotosleep.Tomorrowisgoingtobealongdaywithback-to-schoolnight.”
“You’restartingbackupalready?”
“Yup.AndCamistartsathernewschoolnextMonday.”
“CanIgowithyou?”Thequestionrushesoutofme.
“Totakehertoschool?”
Myracingpulseisn’tdoingmeanyfavors.“Yeah.”
“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.”
“Whynot?”
“BecauseIdon’twantyouhangingaroundher.”
Mychestfeelslikeshecrackeditinhalfwithacrowbar.“Okay.Iunderstand.”
“Idon’twanttohurtyou—”
Istopher.“Iknow.”
“It’sjustthat—”
Idon’tletherfinish.“Youdon’ttrustme.”
“No,Idon’t.”
“ThenIwon’tstopuntilIgiveyoueveryreasonto.”Thistime,I’mtheonetohangupthephone.Prolongingthatkindofconversationwon’thelpeitheroneofus,andI’dmuchratherspendmytimefindingwaystoproveherwrong.
InsteadofgoingtosleeplikeIhadplanned,Ipulloutmylaptopandgettoresearchingdifferentwaystobuyahouse.
TurnsoutLeowasn’tjustspoutingshitafterall.
Hewasright.Therearemultiplewaystobuyahouse—bothlegalandillegal.
Itrustyou’llfindawaytosortallthisout.
Leowasn’ttryingtofillmewithfalseconfidence,butratheroffermeaclue.Itturnsoutmygrandfatherwasn’ttheonlytrickybastard.
Leoistoo.
IlastonewholeweekbeforegivinguponmyideatostayawayfromLana.Evenifshehatesmeforit,Ican’tgoanothernightwithoutseeingher.NowthatIhaveasolidplanforthehouse,thereisn’tmuchelsekeepingmefromher.
Atleastnothingbuther.
BeforeIstopbytheguesthouse,ImakeaquickdetourforWyattandDelilah’splace.
Delilahthrowsthedooropen.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Isyourhusbandaround?”Itrytopeekoverherhead,butshesnapsherfingersinmyface.
“Why?”
“Ineedtospeaktohimaboutsomething.”
Shecrossesherarmsagainstherchest.“Ifthereasonyoucamebackhereisbecauseyouwanttostiruptrouble—”
“He’snot.”WyattpullsDelilahawayfromthedoorandtucksherunderneathhisarm.
Hischintipsinmydirection.“You’reback.”
“Yup.”Ipopthep
Hisleftbrowrises.“Permanently?”
“SolongasLanawantsmetobe.”
Delilahfrowns.“Areyousober?”
Iflashmychipinfrontofher.Wyatt’seyesnarrowatthechipbeforehelooksdownatDelilah.“Canyougiveusaminute?”
Sherisesonthetipsofhertoesandgiveshimakissonthecheek.“Fine.”
Wyattsmacksherassasshewalksaway,earninghimselfahalf-heartedglarefromoverhershoulder.
“Wanttotakeawalk?”Hemotionsoutside.
“Sure.”Ituckmyhandsintomypocketsandstepofftheporch.
“Howwasrehab?”
“AboutasgoodasIremember.”
Hesnortsalaugh.“Liar.”
“Itwastorture,butI’mgladIdidit.”
Heclapsmeontheshoulder.“Hopefullyitsticksthistime.”
“Iwashoping…”Myvoicedriftsoff,thecourageIhadfromearlierevaporating.
“I’dbeyoursponsor?”
“Iftheofferstillstands,thatis.”
Helooksatmeoutofthecornerofhiseye.“DependsifyoutellmewhyLanaisupsetwithyouforleaving.”
Mybrowsrise.“Didshesaysomething?”
NotthatIwouldblameherifshedid.
“No,andDeehasbeentight-lippedaboutitanytimeIask.”
Damn.“Shehas?”
“Yes.AndsinceIdidn’twanttoputDeeinapositiontochoosebetweenmeorherfriends,Ididn’tbugheraboutit.”
Isuckinabreath.“It’scomplicated.”
“Complicatedenoughtodriveyoutodrink?”
Ishakemyhead.“No.I’mfindingotherwaystocope.”
“Like?”
“Well,Iwasn’tallowedtobuildaboatinrehabbecausetheywereafraidIwouldgethighofftheglueorsomething,soIread.Alot.”
Herearsback.“Wait.Youcanread?”
Igivehimashovewithmyshoulder,whichknockshimoff-balance.Helaughs,whichonlymakesmebreakoutintoachuckletoo.
“Whatbookdidyoulikemost?”
“CatcherintheRye.”
Hisrubshisjaw.“Idon’tfeellikeIappreciatedthatbookasmuchasIshouldhavewhenIreaditinhighschool.MaybeIshouldgiveitarereadnowthatI’manadultwithmorelifeexperience.”
“Definitely.Ithinkit’sanewfavoriteofmine.”
“Whatdidyourelatetomost?”
“It’shardtopickaparticulartheme,butmaybethatIneedtocareaboutmyselfbeforeprioritizingothers.”
Henods.“Andhow’sthatgoing?”
“Fallinginlovewithyourselfistentimesharderthanfallinginlovewithsomeoneelse,especiallywhenIdon’tlikemyselfverymuch.”
“You’llgetthere.”
“Didyouusedtofeelthatway?”Iask.
Hisgazeflickersacrossmyface.“Allthetime.”
“Howdidyougetpastit?”
“BybecomingsomeoneIwasproudof.”
Wecontinuewalkinginsilence.DelilahandWyattdon’tliveonthelakelikewedo,buttheirneighborhoodisquaintandquiet,whichmakesiteasyformetogetlostinmythoughts.
I’mnotsurehowlongwewalkfor,butmycalvesareburningbythetimewearrivebackattheirhouse.I’veneverhadasponsorbefore,soI’mnotsurewhattoexpectoftheprocess,butaquietwalkwasn’tthefirstideaIhadinmind.
YetIfeelmoreatpeacethanever.
“SeeyoutomorrowatAA?”Wyatttuckshishandsintohisathleticshorts.
“Absolutely.”AknockonthedoorpullsmeawayfromtheshowIwaswatching.Iriseontothetipsofmytoesandlookthroughthepeephole.
OhGod.
MyhandtremblesasIgotoopenthedoor.Caldoesn’tgivemeachancetotakehiminasheliftsmeoffmyfeet,knockingtheairoutofmylungs.
“Fuck,I’vemissedyou.”Hisarmswrappedaroundmetremble.
Myheartclenches.Ipushagainsthischest,needingspacetothink.
“Justgivemeonemoresecond.”
“One.”Itaponhisshoulder.
Hesighsasheputsmedownonmyfeet,makingsuretotakehissweettime.“Sorryforthat.Ijustgotaheadofmyselfafterspendingthelastthirty-sevendaysdreamingofcominghome.”
Home.
WhatevercontrolIhadovermyemotionsunravelslikeaflimsybow.Iplaceashakyhandagainsthischeek,andheleansintoit.
“I’mproudofyouforgettingsober.Evenifitwasjustfor—”
Hecutsmeoff.“Me.Itwasforme.”
Ireleaseashakybreath.It’snotthatIdon’twanttobelievewhathesays,butI’vebeenburnedtoomanytimesbyhimtodoanythingbutdoubthim.
Hepullssomethingoutofhispocket.“Iwantedtobringyouthis.”Heholdsoutasinglechip.Theslighttremorofhispalmmakesmychesttighten.“Iknowit’snotmuch,butIplanonearningeverysingleoneforthethreeofus.”
Thethreeofus.
Warmthfloodsmychestlikeabrokendam,spreadingfrommychesttomytoes.ThereisnothingIwantmorethanforhimtoprovemewrong,butabigpartofmeisworriedtobelievehim.Worriedtohope.Todream.Totrustthatheisfinallygettingthehelpheneeds.
Calplacesthechipinmypalmandclosesmyfistaroundit.“Iwillbeatthemotelifyouneedme.”
“Ithoughtyouhatedthatplace.”
“NotnearlyasmuchasIhatebeingfarawayfromyou.”
Ireachoutforthedoorframetostopmyselffromfallingover.Hislipstugintoasmallsmile,althoughhewalksawaybeforeIhaveachancetotrulyenjoyit.
IpeekbehindhimatthebrightyellowSUVinthedriveway.Itlookslikesomethingstraightoutofacomicbook,withallthesharplinesandchrome.“IsthataLamborghini?”
Hethrowsmeasmilefromoverhisshoulder.“Yeah.”
“Whathappenedtoyouroldcar?”
Herubsthebackofhisneckandlooksaway.“Someonetoldmemyotheroneisn’tsafeforakid.”
Iblink.
Hegotanewcarbecauseyoudidn’tthinkhisotheronewassafeenough?!
MygriponthedoorframetightensbecauseIreallydothinkmylegsmightgiveout.
“Seeyouaround?”Hissmileishesitant.
Icanonlynod.
Hedrivesoffinhisbrand-newSUVhegotforuswhileIremainstaringatthespacehepreviouslyoccupied.Iexpectedtofeelreliefathimleaving,butinstead,disappointmentpressesagainstmyshoulders.
Isn’tthiswhatyouwanted?Himgone?
Thatmighthavebeenthecase,butwhatifheistellingthetruth?Whatifhereallyisgettingsoberbecausehewantstobetterhimself?
Onlytimewilltell.
I’mdrivingbacktothehouseafterdroppingCamioffatherdanceclasswhenIgetdistractedbythebrightyellowLamborghiniSUVoutsideoftheshopI’vespentthelastmonthignoring.
IsthatCal?
MysuspicionsareconfirmedasIcatchhimstandingoutsidetheshop,staringupatthebuilding.Ipulloverandputmycarhazardson.Withshakylegs,IwalkovertothemanstandingoutsidethestoreIalwaysdreamedofopeningmybakeryin.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iask.
Helooksoveratmewitheyesconcealedbysunglasses.“Checkingoutthebuilding.”
Iturntolookattheshop.TheredComingSoonsignfrombeforeisnolongerdisplayedacrossthewindows.
“Theyleft?”Iwalkuptothewindowandpeekinside.Thespaceiscompletelyemptybesidesafewabandonedpaintcansandaplasticsheetprotectingthefloor.
“Iguessso,”Calsaysfrombehindme
Ipeekovermyshoulderathim.“Why?”
“Ioverheardsomeoneatthebookshopmentioningthatthenewlandlordhikeduptherentalprices.”
Shit!HowwillIeveraffordthisplacenow?
“WhathappenedtoVinny?”Vinny’sfamilymadeasmallfortuneoffrentingouttheirtinystripofMainStreetforgenerations,soI’msurprisedtheypartedwithit.
“Iheardhegotboughtout.”
Myshouldersslump.“Iwonderhowmuchthenewlandlordischargingnowifitranthemoutofbusinessbeforeeveropening.”
“Youcouldcalltheirofficeandaskforaprice.”Heslideshissunglassesoverhishead.
Ibitedownontheinsideofmycheek.Truthis,I’mtemptedtogivethemacall.WithallthemoneyI’mgettingfromthedealImadewithRowan,Icouldprobablyaffordtherent.
Butstill,somethingstopsme—goodoldself-doubt,alwayspoppingupwhenIleastexpectit.
Howmanyshopshavetriedtobesuccessfulhereonlytofizzleout?Whatmakesmyideasodifferentfromthelastbakerythatopenedhere?Orthestorebeforethat?
“I’llgivethemacalltomorrow,”Isay.
Tomorrowsoundsgood.Safe
Hepointsatthesigntapedtothedoor.“Idareyoutogivethemacallnowandask.”
Myeyeswiden.“What?”
“Youheardme.”Hissmileexpands.
Ishakemyheadhardenoughtomakemyponytailslapmeintheface.“No.”
“Don’ttellmeyou’rescared,”hetaunts.
“I’mnotscared.I’mjust…”
Damnit.Iamscared.
Screwhimforcallingmeoutonitthough.
Hiscockysmirkhasmewhippingmyphoneoutofmypocketanddialingthenumber.
“Youknowwhat?IwillcallthemjusttoproveI’mnot.”Istabatthescreenlikeitoffendedme.Myfingershakessohard,Imisdialthenumbertwicebeforegettingitright.
Awomananswersthephone.“Hello?”
“Hi,I’mcallingtoinquireaboutunitnumbersevenonMainStreet.”
“Ahh,yes.Therentalunit.Isthatthecornerone?”
“Yes.”
Calleansincloser,butIstepaway,notwantinghimtooverhearmereceivecrushingnews.
“Thepropertyisavailable.”
“Forhowmuchamonth?”
“Fivehundreddollars.”
“Fivehundreddollars?”Irubmyeyes.“Howisthatpossible?”
“Accordingtothelandlord,thepropertyhasawholefamilyofmicelivinginside.Asyoucanimagine,that’snotexactlyasellingpoint.”
“Awholefamilyof—”Everythingclicksintoplace.
Vinnysellingthepropertyafterithadbeeninthefamilyforyears.Calstandingoutsidethebuilding,daringmetocallthenumberandaskabouttherent
“Excuseme,somethingjustcameup.”Ihangupandturntofacethenewlandlord.“Youboughtthebuilding.”
Hedoesn’tevenblink.“I’vealwaysbeeninterestedinrealestate.”
“Monopolydoesn’tcount.”
Hefightsasmileandfails.
Myeyesnarrow.“Areyouthenewlandlord?”
“Technicallyspeaking,yes.”
“Whywouldyoudothat?”
“Becauseturningyourdreamsintorealitiesmakesmehappy.”
“Itmakesyouhappy.”Irepeathiswords,processingthem.
Hefrowns.“Isthatsohardtobelieve?”
“Idon’tevenknowwhattobelieverightnow.”Thesobrietychip.Hisnewcar.TheemptyshopreadytobeleasedifIwantit.Itfeelsliketoomuchallatonce,andI’mnotsurehowtohandleitall.
“Ijustwantyoutoknowifyouwanttheshop,it’syours.Nostringsattached.”
Igrimace.“Ihatebeingboughtwithgifts.”
“It’snotagiftifIplanonchargingyourent.”
Isnortalaugh.“Fivehundreddollarsamonthisnothingforaspotlikethisandyouknowit.”
Hisgazeburnsashefollowsthecurvesofmybody.“Well,ifsexisonthetable,thenI’lltakethataswell.”
Ijabhimintheribswithmyelbowbeforetakingafewstepstowardmycar.
“Whereareyougoing?”Ahintofdesperationbleedsintohisvoice.
“Farawayfromyou.”Ineedtothink,andIcan’tdothatwithhimsmilingatmeandtalkingaboutsex.
“Butwhatabouttheshop?”
“Ehh.It’sacutegesture,butmaybeIwanttoexploremyoptionsbeyondLakeWisteria.”
WhoamIkidding?HimbuyingthewholebuildingtosavetheshopIwantissomethingstraightoutofaDreamlandfairytale.
Hetakesastepforward.“Where?”
IsmileatCalforthefirsttimeinweeks.“I’mnotsureyet.”
“Don’tmakemegobuyupallthepropertiesyou’reinterestedin.”
“You’dgobankrupt.”
“Notevenclose,butitwouldputanicedentinmybankaccount.”Hiseyesdrawmeinlikealighthouseinthemiddleofastorm.
Ishakemyheadindisbelief.“You’reinsane.”
“No,Lana,I’minlove.There’sabigdifference.”
“What’shedoinghere?”Violet’sheadsnapstowardthefrontdoorofLastCall.
DelilahandIfollowhergaze.IlockeyesonCal,whohasn’tnoticedussittinginourusualspotbytheback.
ThepitinmystomachbecomesacanyonasCalwavesdownoneofthebartendersandordershisusualvodkatonic.Hetakesaseatbyhimselfontheothersideofthebar,givingeveryonehisback.Ican’tmakeoutifheisdrinkingyetornot,butmystomachrollsallthesame.
“Heshouldn’tbehere.”Myfingerspressintotheleatherbooth,leavingindentationsbehind.
“I’msurehehasagoodexplanation.”Delilahstaresatherdrink.
Istareatherlikeshegrewasecondhead.“Agoodexplanation?”
Shedoesn’tanswer.
Violetscoffs.“Whathappenedtogettingsober?”
“Hepromisedmehewas.”IreachforthechipIkeeponmeatalltimes.
Somuchforthat.
“Justhearmeout—”Delilahtriestogetmyattention,butI’mtoofargone.
Myfrustrationboilsover,andbeforeIhaveachancetostopmyself,Ichargeovertohistable.
“Alana!”Delilahcallsafterme,butIcan’thearheroverthepoundingofbloodinmyears.
Callooksupatthesoundofmyname,andhiseyeswidenashecatchesmestompingovertohistable.Afewpeopleturntolookoveratus,theunwantedeyesmakingmycheeksheat.
“Here,asshole.Youcanhavethisbacknow.”Ithrowhissobrietychiponthetable.Itspinsafewtimesbeforelandingbesidehisdrink.
Themusclesofhisbackturnrigidunderneathhisshirt.“Igaveittoyou.”
“Idon’twantit.”
“Why?”
“Becauseitdoesn’tmeananything.”Imotiontowardhisdrink.
Hepushesthechipbacktowardme.“I’mnotdrinking.”
“Thenexplainthisshit.”
“HaveaseatandIwill.”Besideshisclenchedjawandroughvoice,hedoesagoodjobattemperinghisanger.
Itonlypissesmeoffevenmore.TheonlyreasonItakeaseatisbecauseIfeellikemylegsmightgiveoutatanymoment.
Thehardnessinhisexpressionsoftensashetakesagoodlookatme.“It’snotwhatyouthink.”
Abitterlaughescapesme.“Ofcourseitisn’t.”
“Givemealittlemorecreditthanthis.I’mnotriskingeverythingwithyouforbottom-shelfvodkaandflatsoda.”
Istareintohiseyes.“Thenwhyorderadrinkinthefirstplace?”
“BecauseIwanttoprovetomyselfthatI’mstrongerthanmybiggestweakness.”Hestaresattheglassinbetweenuslikeit’stheenemy.
Mymouthdropsopen.
Thefightleaveshimwithasingledeepexhale.“HowcanIexpectyoutotrustmeifIdon’ttrustmyself?”Hisvoicecracks.Thereisaslighttremorinhishand,andIgrabontoitinstinctively,wantingtoeasesomeofhispain
Ourfingersinterlock.Warmthspreadsupmyarmlikewildfire,sparksshootingoffmyskinlikeembersoffaflame.
Ipushthedrinkawayfrombothofus.“You’redoingthisbecauseyoudon’ttrustyourself?”
“Learningtotrustmyselfagainisaprocess.”
“Thenfindadifferentonebecausethisistorture.”
Hisgazelifts.“It’snotnearlyasbadasknowingyoustilldon’tbelieveanythingIsay.”
Mychestcavesinonitself.
“Whatdoyouexpect?Youhidaprettybigsecretfromme.”
“I’mgoingtofixit.”
“How?”
“Itmighttakeyouafewyears,butI’mprettysureIcanwearyoudown.”
Myeyeswiden.“Years?”
“AllIhaveistime.”
“Youplanonlivingatthemotelforyears?”
Herecoils.“God,no.”
“Thenwhat?”
Heliftsmyhandtohislipsandkissesthescarontopofmyknucklebeforelettingmyhandgo.“You’llsee.”Hestands.
“Whereareyougoing?”
“I’mgoingtogohangoutwithWyatt.”
Mybrowshike.“YouandWyattarefriends?”
“He’smysponsor.”
Iblink.ThatexplainswhyDelilahtriedtostopmefrommakinganassofmyself.
Ifonlyyouhadwaitedtohearherout.
“Willyoubeattheopenhousetomorrow?”Hisquestioncomesoutofleftfield.
“Theopenhouse?WhywouldIdothat?”
“BecauseIplanoncheckingoutthehouseandseeingwhatRyderdidwiththeplace.”
Istanduponshakylegs.“Well,Iwon’tbe.Ihaveplans.”
Hissmileisaweakonethatdoesn’tsitrightonhisface.“Oh.That’sashame.”
“Why?”
“Don’tworry.”Hekissesmycheekbeforewalkingoutofthebar,leavinghisfullvodkatonicandhissobrietychipbehind.Hisabsenceonlycausesthechasminmychesttowidenevenmore.
Goafterhim,thehopelessromanticwhispers.
Iignorethevoicethathasdonenothingbutgetmeintroubleandswipethechipoffthetablebeforereturningtomyfriends.Theeveninggoeson,butmythoughtsremaintrappedintime,replayingCal’swordsoverandovertothepointofobsession.TheonlythingthatstrikesmeasoddaboutourconversationwashimaskingifIwouldattendtheopenhouse.
Thequestioncameoutofnowhere,andheseemeddisappointedbymyanswer.
IfonlyIknewwhy.Therealestateagentsendsmeupdateseverythirtyminutesaboutthehouse.Accordingtohim,wehavethreebuyerswhoarecurrentlyengaginginabiddingwarovertheproperty.IknewthatmighthappenifIsetthepricelowenoughtoenticebuyers,buthearingitfromtherealestateagent’smouthmakesthewholeprocessofsellingthehouseveryreal.
IresistthetemptationtoheadoverthereandcheckifCalshowedup.Instead,Violet,Delilah,Wyatt,andIdecidetosticktotheguesthouseandourprivatedockoutback.IwanttotakeadvantageofthelastfewtimesI’llgettoenjoythelakewithmyfriendsbeforethesummerisoverandthehouseissold.
NoonehasbroughtupCalsincelastnight’striptothebar.
CamiandWyattplayinthewaterwhileDelilah,Violet,andIsitonthedock,soakingupthesun.
“Aren’tyoualittlecuriousaboutthebiddingwar?”Delilahnudgesmewithhershoulder.
“Notreally.”Ituckmyphoneaway.Intheend,whoeverbuysthehousewillbeinconsequential.
“Iwouldbe.”Violetreappliessunscreenonherface.
Myphonevibrateswithanewtext.Iexpectittobetherealestateagentwithanotherupdate,butCal’snameflashesacrossthescreen.
Doyoustillwanttocheckoutthebuyerinterestedinpurchasingthehouseandseeifthey’relegit?
Iconsiderit.WhenItoldCalIwantedtofindsomeonewholovedthehouseasmuchasme,IthoughtIcouldbeartheideaofspeakingwiththem.ButthemoreIthinkaboutit,thelessIfeelcapableofdoingthat.
No.Youcanhandleit.
AtextfromtherealestateagentpopsupbeforeIlockmyphone,lettingmeknowthathehasaskedeveryonetogivehimtheirbestoffers.
Already?Howisthatpossible?
Icallhimrightaway.
“Alana!Youwon’tbelieveit.”
“What?”
“Wehadsomeoneputinanofferfortwomilliondollars.”
“Two?”IreachoutforViolet’sshouldertostabilizemyself.WhenIloweredthepricetoamillion,Iexpectedtobarelyreceiveanythingoveraskingprice,buttohavesomeoneofferdouble?
Imightfaint.
Icanfeeltherealestateagent’sexcitementthroughthephone.“Yes!I’veaskedtheotherbuyerswhoareinterestedinthepropertytoputintheirfinalofferswithinthenexthour.”
“But—”
“Thisisthebest-casescenario.”
Forhimorme?Basedonhowmuchheischarging,theagentwillwalkawaywithaprettypennyonceallthepaperworkisdone,especiallyifthebuyersaredrivinguptheprice.
MyphonevibrateswithanewmessagefromCal.
Ijustheardoneofthebuyersmentioninghowtheyplanonbringingthehousedowntothefoundationandcompletelyrebuildingitbecausetheypreferamodernopen-floorplan.Areyousureyoudon’twanttomeetwiththem?
Ijumpup.
Hellno.Irefusetoletanyonewhowantstobuythehousetearitdown.
Violetpeeksupatme.“What’swrong?”
“CanyouallwatchCamiforalittlebit?Ineedtohandlesomethingbackatthehousewithabuyer.”
Wyattwavesmeawaylikeit’snobigdeal.“We’regoingtodoanicecreamruninalittlebitifthat’sfinewithyou.”
“Yeah,sure.Shehasasetofcleanclotheslaidoutonherbed,”Ireplyovermyshoulderbeforestompingtowardthemainhouse.
Overmydeadbodywillsomeonepurchasethehouseonlytotearitdown.CalandIdidnotgothroughtheprocessofrenovatingthewholethingforsomeonetoeraseallthehistoryandcharmweworkedsodamnhardtokeep.
I’dratherpickthepersonwiththecheapestofferwhomightactuallylovetheplacethangiveitawaytosomeonewhowon’tappreciatetheproperty.
Iwalkintothehousewitheveryexpectationoffindingpeopleroamingtheproperty.ExceptwhenIarrivethroughthebackdoor,theonlypersonaroundistherealestateagent,whostandsatthekitchencounterwithhisphonepressedagainsthisearandafolderwithsheetsspreadoutinfrontofhim.
“What’sgoingon?”Istoptocatchmybreathafterpowerwalkingoverhere.
Hehangsupthephonewithasmile.“Wejustreceivedanotheroffer.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
Ugh.“So,therearefourintotal?”
“Correct.”Hisgleefulclappinggratesonmynerves.
“Wherearethey?”
“Twohadtogocheckoutanotherhousehavingashowingatthesametime,buttheothertwoarewaitinginthelivingroomforourfinaldecision.”
“Perfect.”Iwalkpasttherealestateagent,ignoringhisshouts.
Ifollowthelonghallwaytowardthelowmurmursoftwopeopletalking,althoughIcan’tmakeoutwhatthey’resaying.
Ienterthelivingroom.“Cal?Wheredidtheotherbuyergo?”
Heturnsatthesoundofmyvoice.“Youcame.”
“OfcourseIcame.NowayamIgoingtoletsomeassholeteardownthehouse.”
AtallmanalmostthesameheightasCalwalksaroundhim.Hewearsanexpensive-lookingsuitwithanequallyfancywatch,lookingoutofplacecomparedtoCal’srelaxedlookofjeansandalinenshirt.
“Andwhoareyou?”
“Theassholewhowantstoteardownthehouse.”Heholdsouthishand.Hisfingersarelonglikethatofapianist,lackinganykindofcallousesthatwouldsuggesthardwork.“IprefertogobyLorenzoVittori,though.”
LorenzoVittori.Thenamesoundsfamiliar,butIcan’tplaceit.Hedoesn’tlooklikesomeoneIknow,butthereissomethingabouthisdarkgazeandeyeshapethatsparksrecognition.
“Vittori?”Igriphishandandgiveitaquickshake.
“Yes.”
“WasyourmothertheonewhousedtoworkattheHawthorns’housebychance?”
Hisjawticks.“Shewas.”
“Youtwoknoweachother?”Cal’sheadtilts.
“Ourmotherswerefriendsbeforemyfamilyhadtomoveaway,”Lorenzoreplies.
“Howisshe?”Iaskoutofpoliteness
“Dead.”Hisvoiceisflatandvoidofanyemotion.
Cal’seyeswidenashelooksoveratme.
“I’msorrytohearthat,”Ioffer.
Lorenzodoesn’tevenblink.“Haveyouconsideredmyoffer,Ms.Castillo?”
Okaythen.SafetoassumeLorenzolikestogettothepoint.
“Notreally,seeingasyouwanttodestroymyhouse.”
“Iprefertodescribeitastappingintoaproperty’struepotential.”Hesmirksinawaythatseemswell-practiced,asifhetrainedhimselftocharmothers.Ifitweren’tforhislifelesseyes,Iwouldhavebelievedit.
“I’mgoingtohavetopass.”
Hisbrowscrinkleforasecondbeforesmoothingout.“WhatifImatchthehighestoffer?”
“Whichis?”
“Threemillion.”Caltuckshishandsintohispockets.
Wait.What?LasttimeIspoketotheagent,hesaidtwomillion.
LorenzoblinkstwiceinthemosthumandisplayofemotionI’veseen.“You’rejoking.”
Calgrins.“Unlessyouwanttocounter,itlookslikemineisthebestandfinaloffer.”
Mineisthebestandfinaloffer?
Mine?
Mine?!
Calmadeanofferonhisownhouse?Whywouldhedothat?
TheroomspinsaroundmeasItrytowrapmyheadaroundwhatthehellisgoingon.
Lorenzo’seyetwitches.“You’reinsanetopaythatmuchonaplacelikethis.”
Calliftsashoulder.“Wedocrazythingsforthepeoplewelove.”
Lorenzo’supperlipcurls.“Let’sprayIneverfindout.”Hetipshisheadinmydirection.“Goodday,Ms.Castillo.Wishyoutwothebestofluckwiththisendeavorbecauseyou’regoingtoneedit.”
Hewaltzesoutoftheroom,takinghisairofsuperioritywithhim.
“Asshole,”Isay.
“Couldn’tagreemore,”Calgrumbles.“Ineverthoughthewouldleave.”
Iturntofacehim.“Whatthehellisgoingon,andwhyareyouputtinganofferonahouseyouown?”
Cal’ssmilewavers.“BecauseI’mnottheonebuyingthehouse.”
“What?”
“I’mspeakingonbehalfofatrust.”
“Whattrust?”
“TheoneImadeforourfuturekids.”
Theairwhooshesoutofme.“Youopenedatrustforourfuturekids?”Ichokeonthelasttwowords.
“Yes.”
Ireachoutforthefireplacemantletostopmyselffromkeelingover.“Butwhy?”
“BecauseIwantedtoprovetoyouthattheinheritancemeansnothingtomepersonally.”
Oh.My.God.
“Howmuchisinthetrust,Cal?”
Hehesitates.“Doesitmatter?”
Ishoothimalook.
Hedoesn’thesitateashesays,“Twenty-sixbilliononcewesellthehouse.”
“ToCamiandwhateverhypotheticalchildrenyouthinkwearehavingoneday.”
“Totheirtrust.It’sawholecomplicatedlegalloophole,butitworks.Grandpa’slawyerandIsorteditallout.”
Mykneesgiveout,butCalwrapsanarmaroundmebeforeIcrashtothefloor.
“Twenty.Six.Billion.Dollars.”Ipinchmyarm,winceatthepain,beforerepeatingthesamemoveagain.
Calswatsmyhandawayandrubsattheredspot.“Theywon’thaveaccesstothewholethingallatonce.”
“Well,that’sarelief.Iwasworriedwhatmighthappenifthekidshadtheurgetoblowthroughtwenty-sixbilliondollarsonawhim.”
Hiseyesnarrow.“Ican’tgetagoodreadonhowyoufeelaboutallofthis.”
“I’mnotevensuremyself.”
“Areyouhappy?”
“Yes.”Myeyesmist.
Sodamnhappy.Notbecauseofthemoney—thereisnowayIwouldletCalgiveuphisentireinheritance—butbecausewegettokeepthehouse.
Hisarmstightenaroundme.“Thenitwasworthit.”
“Howisthisevenpossible?”
“Youwantedthehouse,soIfoundawaytokeepit.”
“Iriswasright.”
Hisheadtilts.“Aboutwhat?”
“ShesaidifIwantedsomething,youwouldfindawaytomakeithappen.”
Hegrins.“YoushouldknowbynowI’ddoanythingforyou.”
Myheartsqueezes.“Anything?”
Heclaspsontomychin.“Absolutelyanything.AlthoughIcan’ttakeallthecreditforthisplan.Withoutmygrandpa’slawyerdroppingacryptichint,Iwouldhaveneverthoughtaboutopeningatrust.”
“I’mstillwrappingmyheadaroundthat.”
“Whataboutit?”
“Whyyouwouldgiveanyonethatkindofmoneyinthefirstplace.”
“It’snotanyone.It’sourfamily.”Hissmilereacheshiseyes.
Mylegsthreatentobuckle,butCalholdsmeup.
Shit.Ineverstoodachanceagainsthimoncehegotsober.Hell,Ibarelystoodachancewhenhewasstilldrinking,whichonlyproveshowscrewedIwasfromtheverybeginning.
Hebrusheshisknucklesacrossmycheek.“Itoldyousellingthehouseneverhadanythingtodowithaninheritance.”
“So,youdecidedtogiveitalluptoproveapoint?”
“Withoutyouagreeingtosellthehouse,therewouldbenoinheritancetogiveinthefirstplace.”
“Wereallygettokeepthehouse?”Iaskagaintoconfirm.
Hissmilegrows.“Onlyifyouacceptmyfinaloffer.”
Ilookaroundtheroom.“Wherearetheotherbuyers?”
“Iscaredthemaway.”
“You?”Alaughexplodesoutofme,makingCal’sgrinwiden.
“Didyoubribethem?”
Heshakeshishead.
“Threatenthem?”Iprobe.
“No.I’mnotDeclan.”
Ibitebackmylaugh.“Thenwhat?”
“IexplainedmysituationandhowIwastryingtowinbackthewomanIlove.”
Awarmthbloomsinmychest,rightabovemyheart.“ThenwhathappenedwithLorenzo?”
“Assholerefusedtobackdown.Saidhedidn’tknowwhatwasmoredisappointing:memakingpoorlifechoicesforsomethingasfickleaslove,oreveryoneelsewalkingawayafterIconfessedIwashopelesslyinlovewithyouanddesperatelyneededtobuythehouse.”
“Hopelesslyinlovewithme,yousay?”
Thebutterfliesinmystomachflutterashecupsmychin.“I’vealwayslovedyou,althoughatfirstitwasplatonicandinnocent.Butthelovegrewaswedid,morphingintosomethingmoremature.Somethingstrongenoughtostandthetestoftimeanddistanceeverysingleyear.Alovebuiltonmemoriesofthepastandahopeforthefuture.”Hetucksawaveofhairbehindmyhead.“AfutureIcan’tseewithanyonebutyou.”
Myheartpoundsfuriouslyagainstmychestasifitwantstobeheard.
Hekeepsgoingwhileclaspingontomytremblingchin.“Purchasingthehouseisn’taboutbuyingyourloveortrustoranythinglikethat.IknowthatwillonlycomewithhardworkandprovingtoyouthatI’mcommittedtobeingthebestversionofmyselfforbothofus.TheonlyreasonIwanttobuythehouseisbecauseIwanttobuyintothefutureyouwant,whetherit’swithmeorsomeoneelse.”Hisvoicecracks.
“AlthoughIdesperatelyhopeyouwantthatfuturewithme.Theonewiththekidsandthedockandallthosemodelshipsyouwanttobuildeverysummer.Iwanttospendmylifedaringyoutodoshityou’reafraidof,whilehavingyoupushmetodothesame.JustlikeIwanttobecomethemanyoualwaysdreamedIcouldbeonceIgotmylifetogether
Myheartswellsathiswords.“Ithoughtyouhatedthisplace.”
Heshakeshishead.“IhatedbeingremindedofthepersonIcouldhavebeenhadIgottenbettersooner.”
Ireachupandcuphischeek.“Andnow?”
“Iseeitthroughyoureyes,andnowIcan’timaginebeinganywhereelsebutatyourside—whetheryouareatthelakeorontheothersideoftheworld.Whereveryougo,Iwanttofollow.Whateveryouaccomplish,Iwanttobetheretocongratulateyou.Andwheneveryoustruggle,Iwanttobetheretopickupthepiecesandholdyoutogetheruntilyou’restrongenoughtostandonyourown.”
Atearslipsdownmycheek.“Whatchanged?”
“Idid.”Hegripsontothebackofmyneckandpullsmeforward.“Stayingsoberisgoingtobeaprocess.Thirtydaysinrehabisagoodstart,butit’snotaninstantcureforalifelongaddiction.I’llhavetoputintheworkandcommittobetteringmyselfeverysingleday.Ionlyhopeyou’rewillingtosharethejourneywithme,becauseGod,Iwantyouto.IknowIdon’tdeserveanotherchance,butI’mbeggingyoutogivemeoneanyway.JustgivemeonelastchancetoshowyouthatIcanbethemanyouwanttospendtherestofyourlifewith.ThatIcanbetheonetoturnyourdreamsintorealities.”
ItakeinthemanI’velovedsincebeforeIevenunderstoodwhatthewordmeant.“Onelastchance?”
Henods.
Icradlehisfaceandpressmylipsagainsthis.“BreakmyheartagainandI’llputabulletinyouforrealthistime.”
Hesmilesagainstmymouth.“Besuretoaimfortheheartthen,becausethat’stheonlywayyou’llkeepmeaway.”
Iwrapmyarmsaroundthebackofhisneckandriseonthetipsofmytoes,soourlipsareonlyafewinchesapart.“Deal.”LoudbanginghasMerlinjumpingoffmylapwithahissandtakingofftowardthestairs.Lanadoesn’thaveachancetoreachfortheknobbeforethefrontdoorbangsagainstthewallandCamicomesbarrelinginside.
“Cow-l!You’reback!”Camithrowsherbackpackonthefloorandsprintstowardme.
Ikneelandopenmyarms.“Heythere,kiddo.”
Camithrowsherarmsaroundmyneck.“Imissedyou.”
MyheartlodgesitselfsomewhereinmythroatasItightenmygrip.“Imissedyoumore.”Myvoicequakes,theslighttremblemakingLana’seyeswater.Shegetsdownonthefloorbesidemeandjoinsourhug.Wyatttipshisheadbeforeshuttingthedoortothelakehousebehindhim.
“Areyouallbetternow?”Camipeeksupatme.
Mysmilewobbles.“Yes.”
“Really?”Herblueeyesturnimpossiblybrighter.
“Yup.DidyoutakecareofMerlinformewhileIwasaway?”
Hergrinstretcheswider.“Yes!Ifedhim.Alot.”
“Isawthat.I’mgoingtohavetogettheguyalittletreadmillwithhowmuchfoodyougavehim.”
Camigiggles,makingmychestfloodwithwarmth.
“AndIgavehimwater.Itriedtosleepwithhim,butMommyhoggedhim.”
“Didshenow?”IspareLanaalook.
Shegivesmealittleshovewithhershoulder.
Camipouts.“Shedidn’tliketoshare.”
Ifakegasp.“What?Howdareshe.”
Lanasticksouthertongue.“Idotooliketoshare.Ijustneededacuddlebuddy.”
“I’llbeyourcuddlebuddy.”Iwink.
Camipressesherpalmagainstmycheek.“Areyoustaying?”
MythroattightensasIwrapmyarmaroundLanaandtugheragainstme.“Ofcourse.”
“Forever?”Camiasks.
“Yup.”
“Andever?”
Ilaugh.“That’stheplan,solongasyouwantme.”
Shesquealsasshewrapseacharmaroundusandsqueezes.Afeelingofweightlessnesstakesoverme,replacingtheheavyfeelinginmychestthathasbeenpresenteversinceIleftLakeWisteriaforrehab.
Camibreaksawaywithasmile.“AreyouandMommygoingtogetmarriednow?”
TheblooddrainsfromLana’sface.“Camila.”
“What?”
Lanashootsheralook.“Youshouldn’taskpeoplethat.”
“Whynot?”Shecrosseshersmallarmsagainstherchest.
“Becauseit’srude.”
IdragLana’slefthandtowardmylips.“OnedayIplanonit.”
CamicheerswhileLanablinks.Ismileagainstherskin,mylipsbrushingacrossthegoosebumps.EvenMerlincomesbackdowntorubhisbodyagainstuswithapurr.
“Doyoulovemymommy?”Camibatsherdarkblondlashesupatme.
“Ilovehermorethananything.”IanswerwhilestaringintoLana’sdeepbrowneyes.
“Whataboutyou,Mommy?DoyouloveCal?”Camiclaspsherhandstoherchest
“IlovedhimlongbeforeIevenunderstandwhatlovereallywas.”
CamicheersasIplaceasoftpeckagainstLana’slips.
HavingafamilyofmyownmakesmefeelcompleteinawayIneverdreamedwaspossible.Ittookmealongtimetorealizethatnoamountofalcohol,drugs,ormoneywillcomparetothehighIgetwhensurroundedbythoseIlove.
AndIwillstopatnothingtomakesureIneverlosethemagain.
WalkingdownMainStreetwithCamiandLanaisacompletelydifferentexperiencethistimearound.Usually,thelocalssticktoeitherignoringmeorshootingdaggersinmydirectionwheneverImakemywaythroughtown.
TodayiseverythingIhopedforbutneverthoughtwaspossible.Peopleactuallytaketimetostopandspeakwithus,treatingmelikeI’mnotasocialpariah.I’msoshocked,Ifindmyselfspeechlessonmorethanoneoccasion,includingwhenMegstopsmeoutsideofherbookstoretotellmeshesavedacopyofanewsci-fireleaseshethoughtImightlike.
It’salmostasifIenteredanalternaterealitywherepeopleinLakeWisterianolongerhatemeforthemistakesImadesixyearsago.
Cami,Lana,andIwalkintoHolySmokesBBQwitheveryintentionofgrabbingaquickbitetoeat.Ourplanisimmediatelyhijackedbythetownspeopleslidingtheirtablesagainstoursandcreatingonelongtablefitforamedievalfeast.
“SoCal’sfinallyback.”Isabelledropsontothebenchbesideme.
Ilookatherwithnarrowedeyes.“Soyoudoremembermyname.”
Shetapsherwaterglassagainstminewithawink.“Don’tletitgettoyourhead.”
“Toolate.Icanfeelitinflatingalready.”
Isabelle’sson,Ernie,placesatrayfullofmeatsatthecenterofthetablebeforeheadingbacktowardthecounterforanotherround.
“What’sthespecialoccasion?”Lanaasks.
“Younolongermopingaboutwhilewaitingforthisonetoreturn.”Isabellebeams.
Lanafrowns.“Iwasn’tmoping.”
“Youtotallywere.”Isabelleturnstowardme.“Everyoneintowngainedweightthismonthwhiletryingtokeepupwithhowmanybakedgoodscameoutofthiswoman’skitchen.MybuttnowhasitsownzipcodethankstoherandthosedarnNutellapies.”
“Andcookies!”Camiraisesherfistclutchingacrayonintheair.
“Isabelle!”Lanathrowsherhandsintheair.
Icrackasmile.“Noneedtogetembarrassedonmyaccount.”
Hereyesnarrow.“I’mnotembarrassed.”
“ShouldInottellhimabouthowyouworehishoodieforawholeweek?”
“Youknowwhat?I’mgoingtogotakeawalkoffaveryshortdocknow,thankyouverymuch.”Lanamovestorisefromthebench,butIsnatchherhandfirst.
“Ithinkit’scutethatyoumissedme.”
Herlipsflattenintoathinline.“Cute?BecauseIsabelleisn’ttheonlyonewhosebuttneedsanewzipcode.”
Iwink.“JusthowIlikeit.”
Morepeoplecometositatourtable,andtheattentionquicklyshiftsawayfromLana.Similartothedinnerwithmyfamily,Iamcontentwithstayinginthebackgroundandlisteningtoeveryoneelsespeak.Thestoriestheysharerangefromtwoschoolteachersandanongoingprankwar,tohowannoyedpeoplearewithJulianLopezandhiscompanybuyinguppropertiesaroundthelake.
IfeellikeI’mnolongeranoutsiderlookinginbutrathersomeonewhobelongs.ItprovidesasenseoffullnessIdidn’tknowIneeded.InChicago,I’mtheKanebrotherwholackeddrive,ambition,andanygoalbesidesbeingthefamilyfuck-up.ButhereatLakeWisteria,I’mjustCal,asomewhatnormalguywholikesreadingbooks,tippingpeoplewell,andspendingtimewithhisfamily.
Imightbeabillionaire,butnoonearoundheretreatsmeassuch.Theypokefunatmyfamily’scompany,myfancycar,andteasemeendlesslyabouthowinloveIamwithLana.
Idon’tminditonebitasIspendmostofourdinnerlaughinguntilmystomachaches.It’snotuntilCamiyawnsandLanacallsitanightthatIrealizesomething.
ComingbacktoLakeWisteriawasn’tjustaboutfindingmyself,butaboutfindingafamily.Amassive,three-hundred-personfamilywhowoulddropeverythingtohelponeoftheirown,includingmygirls.
Andhopefullymeoneday.Iflipthegreenchip,studyingthewritingengravedintothecurvededge.AfterspendingthreemonthsinAA,Ifeelstrongerthanever.Everythingseemstobegoingrightforme.OnceIshowLeothechip,I’mallsettomoveonwithmylifeandleavethewillinthepast.
“Stillcommittedtostayingsober?”Myfatherstandsupbesideme.Thelastfewstragglersfindtheirwayoutofthemeetingroom,leavingmealonewithhim.
“Whydoyoucare?”
“Idon’t.”
IreleaseasoftlaughasIstand.Myheadclearshisbyacoupleofinches.“YouknowwhatIfindinteresting?”
Hisdarkgazepeersintome.“What?”
“Ispentthebetterpartofmylifealwaysmakingexcusesforyou.Ithoughtthatifyougotsober,youwouldbebetter.Kinder.Butitturnsout,you’rejustthesamemiserablepersonwithorwithoutalcohol.Andyouknowwhy?”
Hiseyesnarrow.“I’msureyou’lltellmewhetherIcareornot.”
“Youhateyourself,andnoamountofalcoholisgoingtochangethat.You’reapatheticpersonwithequallypatheticwisheswhowillneverfindhappiness,whetheryousearchforitatthebottomofabottleorwithaninheritanceyoudon’tdeserve.”Withonefinallookatmyfather,Iwalkaway,leavinghimburningaholeintomyback.
Itwasn’tuntilIconfrontedmyself-hatredthatIrealizedmyfatherandIsharedthesameissue.ThatheandIweretwosidesofthesamecoin,turningourhatredofourselvesintoaweapon—himagainsttheworldandmeagainstmyself.
Butunlikehim,I’mherebecauseIrefusetogiveuponmyself.
Nottoday.Nottomorrow.Noteveragain
SinceI’malreadyinChicagofortheAAmeeting,Idecidetostaythenightandattendtheboardmeetingthefollowingday.AsmuchasIwanttoheadbacktoLakeWisteria,thereareafewthingsIneedtodobeforeIcan.
Declansitsattheheadofthetable,occupyingmyfather’susualspot.
“Where’sSeth?”theHeadofProductDevelopmentasks.
“IwillbestandinginasCEOforthetimebeing.”Declandoesn’tlookupfromhisphone.
“Andhowlongisthat?”someoneelseasks.
“Indefinitely.”Declandoesn’tblink
Rowanshootsmeapuzzledlook.Ipressmylipstogethertostopmyselffromsmiling.DeclanwantedtosurpriseRowanaboutthepregnancyaftertoday’smeetingwhileIrishasbrunchwithZahranowtosharethenews.
Themeetingisshort.Businessisgoodandeverythingisrunningasitshould,minusSethnolongersittingattheheadofthetable.
WhenArnold,theHeadofAcquisitionsandSalesfortheDreamStreamDivision,standsandgiveshismonthlyreport,Ikeepmymouthclampedshut.Rowannudgesmeonce,butIignorehim.I’vespentthelastthreemonthsspeakingwithArnoldprivately,notthatmybrotherisaware.
Turnsoutthesolutionwasn’ttryingtofitmyselfintoacompanyrolebutratherdevelopingarolethatfitsme,myneeds,andmyinterests.WhileIwanttohelpthestreamingcompanybethebestversionofitself,Idon’twanttobeinchargeofthewholedamnthing.Leadershipisn’tmystyle.Becomingaconsultantorsomethinglessobligatoryismoremyspeed,allwhilegivingmetheabilitytoactuallyspeakonbehalfofthecompanyandacquirenewprojects
Oncethemeetingisadjourned,IpullArnoldasidetoscheduleournextmeetingwithhisteam.Idon’thaveanassistantoranythingfancy,soIcoordinateeverythingmyself.
Mybrothersstickaround,whisperingbehindmyback.It’snotuntiltheroomclearsoutthatIfinallyfacethem.
Iturnaroundandcrossmyarms.“Areyoutwodonetalkingaboutme?”
“Whatwasthat?”DeclanmotionstowardthespotArnoldjustoccupied.
“Don’tworryaboutit.”
Hiseyeslightup.“KeepingsecretsfromyournewCEOalready?”
Rowan’sjawdropsopen.“Isitofficial?”
Declanspareshimaglance.“Notuntilthelawyerdrawsupthefinalpaperwork.”
Igrin.“Congratulations,Daddy.”
Rowanchokesonhisinhale.
Declan’seyesnarrow.“CallmethatagainandIwon’thesitatetoripyourtongueoutandmountitbehindmynewdesklikeartwork.”
Rowan’seyesbouncebetweenustwo.“Doesanyonewanttofillmeinonwhat’shappening?”
DeclanpullsouthiswalletandhandsRowanaphotoofthesonogram.“Here.”
“Holyshit.You’regoingtobeadad.”Rowantracesthecircle.“Itlookslikeajellybean.”
“Sayhellotoyournephew.”Declanpreenslikeapeacockshowingoffitsfeathers.It’sthemostun-Declan-likebehaviorIhaveseen,whichonlymakesmelaugh.
“Couldbeagirl,”Itease.
Declantapshischest.“Ihaveagoodintuition,andmyguttellsmeit’saboy.”
Rowan’seyesroll.“Andifitisagirl?”
“IalreadyhaveaheartdoctoronspeeddialandeverypolicecaptaininChicagoundermypayrolltoarrestanyonewhostepswithinsixfeetofher.”
“Youcan’tarresteveryguyorgirlthey’reinterestedin,”Isay.
HeswipesthephotooutofRowan’shandswhileglaringatme.“Watchme.”
MycarispackedandI’mreadytoheadbacktoLakeWisteriawhenIreceiveacallfromLeoaskingmetocometohisofficeforanemergencymeeting.BeforetakingoffinthedirectionofLeo’sofficeacrosstown,ItextLanatoletherknowthatsomethingcameupandI’mnotsureifIwillmakeithometonight.
Ispendtheentiredrivefidgetingfromanxiety.WhenIenterhisoffice,mynervousnessisonlyamplifiedasIfindmybrothersstaringmyfatherdownfromoppositesidesofthesittingarea.
Leositsbehindhisdeskwithaneutralexpression.“Callahan.Pleasetakeaseat.”
Hemotionstotheonlyemptyspotavailablebesidemyfather.Isitdown,practicallyhuggingtheedgeoftheleathercouchtoavoidhim.
“I’mgladyouallwereavailabletonighttomeetwithme.”Leoopensafile
Likewehadanyotheroption.
“Whatisallthisabout?”Myfather’svoicehintsathisbuildingtemper.
“IwasaskedtoreadonelastletterfromBrady.”
“Anotherletter?”Rowansitsup.
Leotipshisheadinconfirmation.“Thisonewasaddressedtothefourofyou.”
Declanremainsquiet,hisgazegluedtoLeopullingouttheletterfromanenvelope.
“Tomyfamily,”Leobegins.“Aman’slegacyshouldn’tbedeterminedbyhowmuchmoneyhemadeorhowsuccessfulhewas,butratherbythememoryheleftbehindandthewayhemadepeoplefeel.”Leopausestolookupfromtheletter.
“What?”Declangrunts.
“Sorry.YourgrandfathernotedthatIshouldpausefordramaticeffect.”
Iexplodewithlaughter.RowanandDeclanfollow,thethreeofusfillingthewholeroomwiththesoundsofouramusement.Myfatherremainsrigidbesideme,completelyemotionless.
Leocontinues,hislipstuggingupward.“Mywayofgoingaboutyoufourearningyourinheritancewasunusual.LeowarnedmeasmuchwhenIcalledhimattwoa.m.afteracrazydream,lettinghimknowIneededtorevisethewill.”Hepausesagaintolookup.“Idid.Justfortherecord.”
“Cuttheuselesschitchatandreadthedamnletter,”ourfatherbarks.
Leodoesn’tbalkorsnap,althoughasmallticinhisjawappears.Herefusestogivemyfatheranyattentionashereturnstohisreading.“EachofyouweregivenataskthatIchosebasedonyourstrengthsandweaknesses.GiventhatLeoisreadingthisletterratherthantheotheroneIwrote,Iassumethefourofyoumettherequirementsaskedofyoutoreceiveyourinheritances.”
Leopullsoutasecondsheetofpaperfromtheenvelope.“Tomyson,Seth.Igaveyoutwochoicesregardingyourinheritance.WhileIhadhopedyouwouldrisetothechallengeandpickthemoredifficultpath,youwentwiththeeasieroptionofthetwo.”
Whattwochoices?Weretheylikemineandbasedoncontingencies,orwashegiventwoclearpathsfromthebeginninganditwasuptohimtochoose?
Myfather’sfootshakes,hisonlynervoustell.
“Iunderstandwhyyouchosetogetsoberinordertoreceiveyoursharesofthecompany.Ireallydogetit.JustlikeIunderstandthatIcannotwithgoodconscioushandthemover,knowingyoumadethatchoicetobenefityourself.”
What.The.Actual.Fuck?Arepartsofourinheritancerevokablenow?
TheblooddrainsfromDeclan’sface.WelockeyesforamomentbeforereturningourattentionbacktoLeo,whocontinuesreadingoffthepage.
“Ifyoutrulyhavechanged,thenyoursonswillmaketheappropriatechoicethatreflectsthattransformation.Ifyouhavenotmadeamendsforthemistakesyou’vemadeandthehurtyou’vecaused,thenyounevertrulylearnedanythingdespitemylettersandpleas,andthereforeareunworthyofreceivingyourinheritance.”
“Motherfucker,”myfatherwhispersunderhisbreath.“Wellplayed,Pop.”
Leoignoreshiscomment.“Tomythreegrandsons.Inadditiontoyoureceivingyourpercentagesofthecompanyandyourinheritance,IgrantyouonelastthingthatIdeniedyoubefore.Achoice.Youcanchoosetodenyyourfatherhissixpercentofthecompanysharesandhavethemredistributedamongsttheinvestors,oryoucanchoosetogivehimtheshares.”
Holyshit.
Holy.Fucking.Shit.
MygazesnapstoRowanandDeclan.Bothofthemsitwiththeirelbowsontheirkneesandtheirchinscradledovertheirclaspedhands.
“Regardlessofwhatyouthreedecide,Ihopeyoulearnfromyourfather’sexample.Whatcanbegivencaneasilybetakenaway.Fortunes.Lovers.Family.Don’tmakethesameselfishmistakeswemadebecauseIcanguaranteeitleadstonothingbutanemptylifeandanequallyemptyheart.”
“Andtomyson,Ihopeyouchangeoutofthegoodnessofyourheartbeforeitistoolateforyou.”
Leofoldstheletterandreturnsittotheenvelope.
“CanIhavetheotherletterhewrote?”myfatherasks,shockingusallwithhisquestion.
Leoraisesabrow.“Itdoesn’thaveanylegalstanding.”
“Iknowthat.”
Leopullsoutathirdfoldedsheetofpaperandhandsitovertomyfather.Hedoesn’treaditinourpresence,insteadchoosingtotuckitinsideofhissuitwithashakyhand.
Leoclaspshishandstogether.“Eachofyouwillvoteyesornoregardingyourfather’sinheritance.Wewillstartwiththeeldestgrandson.”
Declanrisesandbuttonshissuit.Insteadofsharinghisfeelingsaloud,mybrotherleansovertowhispersomethingintomyfather’sear.Thecolordrainsfrommyfather’sface.I’mnotsurewhatDeclansays,butmyfatherlooksasifhesawaghost.
Declanreturnstohisfullheight.“Ivoteno.”Hewalksoutoftheroom,leavingusbehindtomakeourowndecisions.
Myfatherturnsafractionofaninchinmydirection.
I’mnotreadytosaymytruthyet,soIstumbleovermywords.“CanRowangonext?”
Leoglancesoveratmybrother.
Rowanshrugsbeforerisingtohisfeet.“I’mhonestlydisappointedyoudidn’tchoosethemoredifficultpath.Afterabusingusforyearsandusingourweaknessesagainstus,turnsoutyou’retheweakestoneofusall.”RowanshakeshisheadatLeo.“Ivoteno.”Heexitstheroomandshutsthedoorbehindhim.
Myfatherrisesfromhisseatandleansovertopickuphissuitcase.
I’mnotshockedbyhisdismissalofme.Ispentthelastthirty-fouryearsofmylifebeingsubjectedtothesametreatment,althoughI’mbetterequippedtohandleitnow.“Whataboutmyvote?”
Hestandstall.“Itdoesn’tmatter.”
Mybloodheatsbeneathmyskin,fuelingtheragebuildinginsideme.Istepintohisspaceandstarehimintheeyes.“DespiteyourattemptstotreatmelikeIdon’texist,Imatterjustasmuchastheothertwo.”
“It’snothingpersonal.”
“Maybethat’syourissue.Ifyouactuallyactedlikeahumanbeing,maybethingscouldhavebeendifferent.”
Hisjawclenches.“Voteorgetoutofmyway.”
“Iwillonceyoutellmewhatthefirstoptionwas.”
Hisrighteyetwitches.“Why?”
“BecauseIwanttoknow,andyouowemethatmuch.”
Helooksaway,hisjawworkingasheconsidersmyrequest.Hisresignedsighfillsthesilence,barelyheardoverthestrongbeatofmyracingheart.
“Heaskedmetoseekforgivenessfromeachofyouandputmysharesuptoafamilyvoteliketoday.”Myfathertakesasteptowardthedoor,butIreachouttostophim.
“Whydidn’tyouchoosethatoption?”
“Ididn’twanttoriskthesharesforsomethingIknewwasimpossibleaftereverythingIhaddone.”
“Tryingandfailingisbetterthannottryingatall.”I’dratherfailtimeandtimeagainthanlimitmyoptionsandfailanyway.
Ittookmealongtimetothinkthatway,butI’mdonechoosingtheeasyroute.Justlookatmyfatherandwhatthatgothim.
Nothingbutmisery.
Hewillhavetospendtherestofhislifewonderingwhatwouldhavehappenedhadhesoughttogethelpandearnourforgiveness.Whilewelivetherestofourliveshappywithourfamilies,hewillsulkinhismiseryandfailure,knowingdeepdowntherewasasmallchancewecouldhavelearnedtoforgivehimhadheputinthework.
ButIguessnoneofuswilleverknow.
IlookoveratLeo.“Ivoteyes.”
Leo’sbrowsjump,andmyfather’seyeswiden.Iknowmyvoteisatossaway,butIwouldratherfuckwithmyfatheronelasttime,makinghimwonderwhathecouldhavedonetoearnthatoneotheryes.
Killthemwithkindness,Momalwayssaid.
Ihopemyfatherdropsdeadbecauseofit.MyfatherwalksoutofLeo’sofficewithhisheadheldhighdespitehismonumentalloss.Mybrothersscowlathimuntilheforegoestheelevatoranddisappearsdowntheemergencystairsexit,thebangingofthedoorechoingacrossthewaitingroom.
“I’llbeintouchwiththepaperworkforthehouse.”Leogivesmeapatontheshoulderbeforeshuttingthedoorbehindme.
Mybrothersturntofaceme.
Rowan’seyesbrightendespitetheflatlineofhislips.“Wewerethinkingaboutgrabbingdinnerifyou’redown.”
“Sure.I’mstarving.”Itakeasteptowardtheelevator,onlytopauseatDeclanstaringatthedoormyfatherleftthrough.
“It’sreallyover,”hemuttersunderhisbreath.
Rowanclapshimontheshoulder.“Don’ttellmeyou’resad.”
“I’mjust…”Hislipspresstogether
“Disappointed?”Ioffer.
Bothofmybrothersturntolookatme.
“Exactly.”Declanlooksaway.“Itfeelsstupidtobeafterwegoteverythingwewanted…”
“Ifeelthesameway,especiallyafterhetoldmeGrandpagavehimachoicetomakeamendswithusandstillpickedhimself.”
“Notsurprised.”Rowan’slipcurls.
Declan’sshoulderstense.“Evenafterallthistimeandeverythingwe’vebeenthrough,it’shardtoacceptyourfatherisaselfishpieceofshit.”
“Tellmeaboutit.I’mtheonewhospenthalfofmylifeintherapytryingto.”Mysmiledoesn’treachmyeyes.
Rowansnortsalaugh.“Atleastoneofusgothelpforourdaddyissues.”
“Considerthattwo.”DeclanshakesRowan’shandoffhisshoulderandheadstowardtheelevator.
Rowan’smouthdropsopen.“You’regoingtotherapy?”
“Don’ttellmeyouhaven’tconsideredit.”Declanshootshimalook.
Rowanshakeshishead.“I’llsticktolivingvicariouslythroughyou.”
“Coward.”
DeclansharesallthebabyfactshehaslearnedoverthelastfewweeksduringthedriveovertoanItalianspotheloves.NeverinmylifedidIthinkIwouldhearmybrothergushingabouthavingakid,butI’mhappyforhimandIris.AfteralltheshitDeclanhasbeenthrough,hedeservesachanceatbeingthekindoffatherwewishedfor.
Sodoyou.
ThereminderhasmecallingLanafromthebathroomsoIcanwishherandCamiagoodnight.
Onceourwaitressdropsoffourwatersandtakesourorders,RowanstartstalkingabouttheupcomingDreamlandrenovationandthelandheandZahraworkedontogetherwiththeCreatorsteam.
IaskRowanmorequestionsthanusual,earningabrightsmilefromhim.
Declanturnstome.“I’mproudofyou.”
“Ofme?Whatfor?”
Hisbrowneyeslighten.“Forsomanydifferentthings,butmostofallforhowfaryou’vecomeinsuchashortamountoftime.Itmakesmehappytoseeyouhappyand…free.”
Mythroattightens.“Whoknewyouweresuchasap?”
“WhatcanIsay?Iris’spregnancyhormonesmustberubbingoffonme.”
Rowansnorts.“Idon’tthinkthat’showitworks.”
“Fuckoff.ThisisexactlywhyIneversayanythingnice.”Declanthrowshisballed-uppaperstrawwrapperatRowan’sface.
“Fine.Myturn.”Rowanliftshiswaterintheair.“I’dliketomakeatoasttousfinallyachievingourdreams.”
Itapmyglassagainsthis.“Andthewomenwhohelpedusalongtheway.”
Afterdinnerwithmybrothers,Idon’tstopdrivinguntilIreachthelakehouseatmidnight.I’mcarefulnottomakemuchnoiseasIdisarmthealarmandwalkupthestairs.LanaandIclaimedthenewlyconfiguredmasterasourbedroom,whichhappenstobeontheoppositesideofthesecondfloor,farfromCami’sroom.
Lanaliesinthemiddleofthebed,curledupwithapillowtuckedbetweenherarms.Moonlightpoursthroughthecurtainsheleftopen,illuminatingthecurvesofherface.Ileandowntokissthetopofherhead.Shedoesn’tstir,soItaketheopportunitytoshowerpriortogettinginbed.
ThemattressdipsundermyweightasIcrawlunderneaththecovers.
“Hey,”sheraspsassheturnsaroundtofaceme.“Whattimeisit?”
Iwrapmyarmsaroundherandtuckheragainstme.“Late.”
“IthoughtyouweregoingtostayinChicago.”Shesnugglesintomychest.
“Ididn’twanttowait.”IspentagoodchunkofmylifeawayfromLana,sothelastthingIwanttodoiswasteanymoretime.
Plus,IpromisedCamichocolatechippancakesinthemorning,andIreallydon’twanttoletherdown.
“Dideverythinggookaywiththelawyer?”Sheblinksupatme,clearingthesleepfromhereyes.
“Itwas…interesting.”
Shefrowns.“Whathappened?”
“TurnsoutGrandpahadonelastplottwistinhim.”
Hereyeswiden.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Grandpagaveustheoptiontovoteonwhetherourfathershouldreceivehissharesornot.”
“OhmyGod.”Hermouthremainshangingopen.
“Iknow.Weweresurprisedtosaytheleast.”
“Sothat’sit?You’refreeofhim?”
Inod.“Declanjustranhisfirstboardmeetingtoday.”
“That’samazing.”Shesmilesupatme.“AndhowdidtheconversationwithArnoldgo?”
“HewantsmetomeethimandtheteamnextweektogooversomeideasIhave.”
Hersmilewidens.“I’msoproudofyou.”
Ilookaway.“Ihaven’tevendonemuchyet.”
“Whatdoyoumean?You’rethereasontheKaneCompanyhasoneappinsteadoffournow.I’mprettysureyou’rehalfofAmerica’sherorightaboutnow.”
Heatfloodsmycheeks.“Onlybecauseyouhelped.”
Shecupsmycheek.“Ibarelydidanything.You’retheonewhohasspentweekscombingoverdataandmeetingwithteamstogooveracquiringmorecontent.”
“It’saworkinprogress.”
“Kindoflikeus.”Shegrins.
Ican’tresistkissingherinthatmoment.Lanameltsintome,deepeningthekissuntilwearebothbreathlesslyrippingateachother’sclothes.Iteaseher,andshedoesthesameback,drivingmemadwiththedesiretofuckher.
Shelicks.Inip.Shesucks.Ibite.Sheteasesmewithhertongue.Ifuckherpussywithmine.
Itdoesn’ttakemelongtofindmyselfbetweenherlegs.Sheguidesmycocktowardhercenter,andwebothgroanasIsinkinsideofher.Withhowhardshegripsmyass,Iwonderifshewillleavepermanentmarksagainstmyskinsimilartotheonessheleftonmyheart.
Everytimewehavesex,italwaysfeelsdesperate.Asifwebotharetryingtomakeupforlosttime.LikeIwanttoburymyselfinsideherandneverleave.
Itortureherforwhatfeelslikeanhour,drivinghertothebrinkofanorgasmbeforeretreatingback.
Atonepoint,sheflipsusoverandtakescontrol,spinningarounduntilherassandcurvedbackisallIseeasshebouncesupanddownmycock.Thepositionfeelslikeheaven,andLanaseemstoagreebasedonthemoanscomingfromher.
Withafewflicksandpinchesofherclitatmycommand,shecomes,takingmeovertheedgewithher.Idon’tstopdrivingherupanddownmycockuntilmybodynolongertremblesfromcominghardenoughtoseestars.
Lanaslidesoffme,makingusbothstickyfromourrelease.Hernosewrinklesatthemess.
“Showerortowel?”
Sheyawns.“Towel.I’mtootiredtodoanythingelse.”
“Holdon.”IcomebackwithawettoweltocleanusbothupthebestIcanbeforecollapsingintobed.
Lanacuddlesupagainstmeandtucksherheadbetweenthecrookofmyneck.“Iloveyou.”
Mychesttightens.Ittookmeawhiletofeelworthyofthosewordsfromher,butI’mslowlygettingusedtothem.
“Iloveyoutoo.”Mylipsbrushagainstthetopofherhead.ThereisnothingIwon’tdotomakesureLanaspendstherestofherlifebeingcherishedlikethegiftsheis.
Shechangedmylifeandprovedtomethatlovingmyselfmattersjustasmuchaslovingothers.Becauseinordertoshowupforeveryoneelse,Ineedtoshowupformyselffirst.
Thefuturewon’tbeeasy.I’mnotfoolishenoughtothinkIwon’tbetestedandtemptedintofallingbackintohurtfulpatterns.ButwithLana,Cami,andourfamilybymyside,anythingfeelspossible.Eventhefailures.
AndIthinkthat’swhatmygrandpawastryingtoteachmeallalong.ONEYEARLATER
“You’llcloseupformetonight?”Itugmyapronovermyhead.
Gabby,myamazingemployee,pauseshersweepingtolookup.“Noproblem,boss.Igotit.”
Ihavethreepeopleworkingforme,allofwhomareincredibleintheirownways.Besidestheirloveforbaking,theyarepassionateabouttestingoutnewrecipestoseewhocanmakethenextbestDreamlanddessert.Turnsoutmytreslechesrecipewasahit,andRowanisalreadypressuringmeformoresweets.
HeisthereasonIhavebeenworkinglaterthanusualthisweek.Ifitweren’tforhimaskingmeforanewholidayrecipe,IwouldhavebeentheonetopickupCamifromschool.Instead,CalhasbeentheonetotakecareofherwhileI’vebeenobsessingoverwhatholidaytreatIplanonpresentingtoRowanthisweekendwhenwegovisitthefamilyatDreamland.
Myphoneringsinmyhand.“Shit.Bye,Gabby!”
“Whereareyou?”CalaskswhenIanswer.
“Onmyway.”Ifliptheswitchfortheneonsignbeforewalkingoutthefrontdoor.TheSweetsandTreatsBakeShopsignlightsupaboveme.
ItwasthesamenamemymomandIcameupwithtogetheronedaywhilestandinginthesamespot.I’msuremymomwouldbeproud,knowingIfinallyachievedthedreamofopeningmyownbakery.
“You’restillattheshop,aren’tyou?”Cal’squestiondragsmeawayfrommythoughts.
“I’mleavingnow,Iswear!”Ijugglemyphonebetweenmyshoulderandcheekwhilediggingaroundmypurseformycarkeys.
Someonegroansinthebackground.
“Whatwasthat?”Iask.
“Thetelevision.Seeyousoon.Loveyou.Bye.”Hehangsup.
Huh.Thatwasweird.
ThestarsarealreadyoutbythetimeIpullintothedrivewayofourlakehouse.IexpecttofindCamiandCalinthelivingroomworkingonthenewboathebought,buttheplaceispitchblack.Ireachforthelightswitchneartheslidingdoor,onlytostopmyselfassomethingoutsidecatchesmyeye.
Thedockislinedwithcandlelitglasslanternsilluminatingapathtowardtheend.
“OhmyGod.”MyhandshakesasIopentheslidingdoorandstepoutontothewraparounddeck.Iwalkdownthestepsandacrossthemassivelawn,straighttowardtheshadowstandingattheendofthedock.Grasscrunchesunderneathmyfeet,breakingthesilence.
Callooksoverhisshoulder.Themoonshinesabove,illuminatinghisentireface.“Hey,”hecallsoutloudenoughtobeheardfromadistance.
“What’sallthisabout?”Isaywithaloudvoice.IthinkIhaveagoodideawhatisgoingon,butonlybecauseCalpickedaterriblespottohideanengagementring.I’vebeenwaitingweekstoseewhenhewouldpopthequestion.Heeventeasedmetwice,withhimmakingabigdealoutoftyinghisshoeontwoseparateoccasions.
IswearheknowsIknow.
Heturnstofaceme.Somethinglongandwideiscradledagainsthischest,butIcan’tmakeitoutfromhere.ThedockcreaksbeneathmysneakersasIclosethegapbetweenus.MyheartpoundssohardthatI’mafraiditmightbreakaribinitsattempttobustfreefrommychest.
“What’sthat?”Istopinfrontofhimandpointtothepieceofwoodinhishands.
Heflipsthepieceofwood.
Myeyeswiden.Noway.
“Isthat…”IreachoutwithatremblinghandandtracetheLetchedintothewoodbesidetheC.
“Youdidn’tthinkIwouldreallylettheconstructioncrewthrowitout,didyou?”
Mytonguefeelsheavy.“Whydidn’tyousayanything?”
“Ihadbigplansforit,andIdidn’twanttoriskyouburningitorsomething.”
Ilookupathimwithwateryeyes.“Whatkindofplans?”
“Theforeverkind.”Calholdstheplankinonepalmwhilehereachesintohisbackpocketandpullsout…hisSwissArmyknife?!
“Cal…”Ipressmypalmagainstmygapingmouth.
Hekneelsandpropstheplankonhisthigh.ThesharpbladeglintsashepressesthetipbeneaththeLcolumn,rightbelowmyotherstrikes.
“Idareyoutospendtherestofyourlifewithme.”Hedragsthetipoftheknifedown,makingasolidline.“IdareyoutoletmeloveandprotectyouandCamiandeveryotherkidwehavewithmywholeheart.”Headdsasecondstrike.“Idareyoutotakeariskonme,knowingthatthingswon’talwaysbetheeasiestandthatIwillstruggle,althoughIhaveeveryintentionofbeingthemanyouwillalwaysdeserve.”Athirdslashisadded.“Idareyoutotrustmetobeyourcompanion,yourlover,andyourbestfriend.Toletmebeyourbiggestcheerleaderandtheshoulderyoucryonwhenthingsgethard,trustingthatIwillbetheonetowipeyourtearsandfixwhateverhurtyou.”Hisfingerstightenaroundtheknifeashedrawsthefourthslash.
“Idareyoutomarryme.”
Tearsspilldownmycheeksasheaddsadiagonallineacrosstheotherfour.
Heplacestheplankonthedockbeforegrabbingaringfromhispocket.ItlooksevenbetterthanIremember,thebrilliantdiamondsparklingmorethanthesurfaceofthelakeatnoon.Thejewelisatastefulsize—bigenoughtospotfromalongdistancebutsmallenoughtonotriskgettingrobbed.
It’sabsolutelyperfectandeverythingIwantedformyself.
“Whatdoyousay,Lana?”Hegrins.“Areyoucrazyenoughtoacceptthechallenge?”
Mychintrembles.“LikeIeverstoodachanceatsayingnotoyou.”Iholdoutmyhand.
Calslidestheringupmyfingerbeforestandingandpullingmeintohisarms.IcradlehisheadbetweenmyhandsandkisshimwitheveryounceofloveandadorationIfeel.Hisfingersdigintomyhair,fusingourmouthstogetheranddrawingasighfromme.
Hebreaksawayalltoosoon.“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyoutoo—alwayshaveandalwayswill,solongasIlive.”
Hestealsanotherkissbeforepullingbackagain.“Shesaidyes!”hecallsouttothedark.
Mymouthdropsopenaspeoplepopoutfromtheirhidingplaces.Thewholetown,plusCal’sfamilyandmyfriends,stepontothelawnandmaketheirwaytowardus.Musicpoursfromthespeakersandapartygetsstartedaroundourpool.
Myeyesnarrowatthemanwithamassivegrinonhisface.“YouwerethatconfidentIwouldsayyes,huh?”
Hewinks.“Icaughtyoutryingontheringwiththegoofiestsmileonyourfacewhilepracticingyoursurprisedface.”
OhmyGod.Mycheeksheat.
“Whydidn’tyoudoanythingsooner?”Myeyeswiden.
“IhadfunseeingyougetallworkedupeverytimeyouthoughtIwasabouttopropose.”
Islaphisshoulderwithalaugh.
Hetrapsmyhandwithinhisandkissesmyknuckleabovethering.“Itwascute.”
“Cute?Iprobablylookedcrazytryingonthatring.”
“No.Youlookedlikemine.”
Mystomachdipsatthehungrylookinhiseyes.
“Mommy!”Camidashesdownthedock,clutchingherstuffedlambtoherchest.Shelaunchesherselfatus,andCalliftsherintohisarmsbeforewrappinghisotheronearoundme.
Ismileupatthem.Calwasright.TherewasnowayIwouldeversaynotomarriagebecausethere’snothingIwantmoreinlifethantospendtherestofitwiththem.
Ourforeverfamily.THREEYEARSLATER
EverysingleJuly,LanaandIinvitethefamilyouttojoinusatLakeWisteria.Besidestheholidays,it’soneofthefewtimesweareabletogeteveryoneinthesameplacetogether.Nowthatmybrothershavetheirownfamilies,lifeisbusier.
Slowly,theKanefamilyhasexpanded.RowanmarriedZahraprettysoonafterIrisgavebirthtobabyIlonaandDeclanbecameCEO.Itdidn’ttakelongforRowanandZahratohavetheirfirstkid,Ailey.Thelittlekidisariot,takingafterhermotherinpersonalityandherfatherinlooks.
LanaandItookalittlelongertohaveakid.Webothwantedababy,buttheprocesswasn’ttheeasiest.Ittoremeupinsidetoseemywifestrugglewiththelossofoneandthecontinuousletdownseverymonthafter.TherewasnothingIcoulddotohelp,andittestedourrelationship,alongwithmycommitmenttostayingsober.
WithoutWyatt,I’mnotsureIwouldhavebeenstrongenoughtoresistthepulltowarddrinking.HeandLanaassuredmeIwouldhavebeen,butwhoknows.
Sobrietytrulyisajourney,butIwouldn’twantanyoneelseinthepassengerseatbutLana.Withherbymyside,IknowIcanmakeitthroughanything.
I’mgladIdidn’tfalloffthewagon,becausethenwehadEsmeralda.SweetbabyEsmewithhertoothlesssmile,darkblueeyes,andfullheadofbrownhair.Camiwasbeyondthrilledtohavethebabysistershealwaysdreamedof,andLanaandIwerecontenttobeafamilyoffourforever,especiallyafterthehardshipswewentthroughtohaveEsme.
So,imagineoursurprisewhenonlytwomonthsafterEsmecameintothisworld,Lanagotpregnantagain.
WetracedbacktheconceptiondatetoourtriptoIrelandwhenwevisitedthetownwheremygrandpawasborn.TheoddsofhavingIrishtwinsconceivedinIrelandalmostseemedtoogoodtobetrue.Likeadivineinterventionofsomesort.Orbetteryet,aBradyintervention
Ihonestlywouldn’tputitpastBradyKanetomakeadealwithsomehigherpowerintheafterlife,makingLana’sdreamtohaveabigfamilycometrue.
Lanaplacesmybirthdaycakeinfrontofmebeforeleaningovermychairtowhisperinmyear,“Whatareyouwishingforthisyear?”
Ishootheralook.“LikeI’dtellyou.”
Shegrins.Evenaftertravelingtheglobeandvisitingthemostbeautifulplaces,nothingcomparestoLana’ssmile.Itlightsupherwholeface,makingherskinglowandhereyesshine.
EsmemightgiveLanaarunforhermoneythough.Ourlittlegirldoesn’thaveanyteethyet,butitonlymakeshersmilesthatmuchcuter.
Lanapeeksoveratmewithnarrowedeyes.“You’rewishingforaboythistime,aren’tyou?”
“AmIthatpredictable?”Iask.
“Yes,”DeclanandRowanreplyatthesametime.
Irollmyeyes.“Iswear,Isendacoupleofphotosoflittlekidsinhockeygear…”
“Andboyshittinggolfballs.”RowanplacesEsmeintoLana’sopenarms.
“Don’tforgetabouttheboydrivingaroundonaminidirtbike.”ZahrabucklesAileyintoherhighchair.Thekidclapsherhandstogetheratthesightofthecake.
Iraisemyhandsinmocksurrender.“It’snotacrimetomanifest.”
“Girlscanplayhockey,hitgolfballs,andridedirtbikestoo,youknow?”LanaraisesEsme’stinyfistintheairforemphasis.
“DoesthatmeanIcanbuyCamiadirtbikeforChristmas?”Rowansmirksliketheinstigatorhelovestobe.
“No,”LanaandIbothansweratthesametime.
Shelaughsasshebeginslightingthefirstofthirty-eightcandles.IgrabontothelitoneandhelphertackletherestoftheunlitcandleswhilesherocksEsme.
IlonacomesrunningintotheroomwithIrisonherheels.BasedontheguavaicingcoveringIlona’smouthandhands,it’ssafetoassumeshealreadyhadatasteofmybirthdaycake.Onequickglancetothesideconfirmsmysuspicions.
“Sorry.”Iriswinces.
“Don’tworryaboutit.IalwayslikemyfoodtobecheckedforpoisonbeforeIeatit.”
“Lanalovesustoomuchforthat.”Zahrabeams.
Declanpointsatme.“Youontheotherhand…questionable.”
IristriestowipeIlona’sfacewithaclothnapkin,butshedartsoffintheoppositedirection.Declansnagshiskidbeforeshecanboltfromtheroomandplacesheronhislap.Ilonashakesherheadtoresist,makingthebeadsattheendsofherbraidsclinktogether,butIrisignoresherassheclearstheremnantsoficingfromherface.
“Ifoundit!”Camidashesinsidethediningroomandplacesacrownonmyhead.
“Perfect.JustwhatIneeded.”Idropakissonhercheek.
Shewrinkleshernoseasshewipesatherface.“Dad,”shewhines.“Gross.”
DespitehowmanytimesIhearthenamefromCami’smouth,mycheststilltightenssometimesatthesoundofit.CamistartedcallingmeherdadayearafterLanaandIgottogetherandneverstopped.
Ihopesheneverdoes.
Itickleher.“Imissthedayswhenyoudidn’tthinkboyshavecooties.”
“Ugh.Stayawayfromallboys.Theyhaveflesh-eatingbacteriathatwillmakeyourskinfalloff,”Declansayswithaseriousface.
OneofthesedaysI’mgoingtokillhim.
Cami’seyeswiden.“What?”Shewipesathercheekharder.
Iwrapanarmaroundherandpullheragainstme.“He’sjustjoking.”
“AmI?”DeclanwaggleshisbrowsatCami,makingherlaugh.It’sstrangetoseemybrotherlethisguarddownaroundthekids.Itmakeshimseemhuman.
LanalaughsasshehandsmeEsmebeforesnappingaphotoofme,thekids,andmycake.Halfthecandlesarealreadymelted,soLanaurgeseveryonetobeginsingingthehappybirthdaysong.Mybrotherscan’tholdatunetosavetheirlives,butthegirlssavethedaywiththeircheerytoneandsenseofrhythm.
“Makeawish.”Camigrinsatme.
Ishutmyeyesandblowoutthecandles
Iwishforahealthybabyandhealthywife.
NomatterhowmuchIjokeabouthavingaboy,Idon’tgiveadamnwhatthegenderis,solongasLanaandthekidaresafe.
Everyoneclapsandhoots.Lanabeginscuttingthecakeforeveryone.
“Psst.”Camigrabsmyhand.“Iwanttoshowyousomething.”
IshootLanaalookasIrisgrabsEsmefrommyarms.Mywifeonlyoffersmeasmallsmilebeforereturningtohertask.
“What’sup,kiddo?”IallowCamitoleadmeoutofthediningroom.
“Ihaveapresentforyou.”
“Whatisit?”
Hereyesrollsohard,I’mafraidtheymightgetlodgedintothebackofherhead.Ilaughassheleadsmeintothekitchenandpassesmeamanilaenvelope
“What’sthis?”
“Openit.”Shegesturestowardtheenvelope.
ThereisaslighttrembletomyhandsasIpulloutasheetofpaper.MyvisionturnscloudyasIreadthefirstline
“Youwantmetoadoptyou?”Idouble-checktheadoptionpaperstobesure.
Shenods,hereyeslookingasmistyasmineprobablydo.
Iditchthepapersandliftherintomyarms.Shemightbegettingalittletoooldformetocarryher,butIcan’thelpit.Istillrememberthedayswhenshebeggedmeto.
“Willyoubemydaddy?Forreal?”Camiblinksupatme.
IrepeatthesamewordsItoldherthreeyearsago.“ThereisnothingI’dlikemore.”
LanapopsoutfromthehallwaywhereshewassecretlyrecordingthewholethingwhileholdingEsme.Tearsstreamdownherface,ruininghermakeup.
Ipullthethreeofthemintoahug.
IthoughtIcouldneverbehappierthanIwaswithCamiandLana,butIwaspartiallywrong.ThereisnowayIcouldeverbehappierthanIaminthismomentwiththefamilyIalwaysdreamedofandthefutureIalwayswanted.
SayinggoodbyetotheDreamlandBillionairesisbittersweet.WhileI’msoproudofeachoftheKanebrothersfortheirpersonalgrowth,IamalsosadtolettheKanesandtheirheroinesgo.ThisDreamlandworldhaschangedmylifeinsomanyways.ItbroughtmenewreadersIcaresomuchaboutandpublisherswhowantedtotakeachanceonme.Butalso,thisserieskeptmecompanyduringsomeverydifficulttimesinmylife.ItbroughtmecomfortwhenIfeltaloneandprovidedmewithanoutlettoshareapieceofmyheart.
Ihopeyouenjoyedthisworld.Likeme,Ihopeitcanbringyoucomfortwhenyouneeditandanescapewhenevertherealworldgetsalittletoohectictocopewith.
ThankyouforbeingapartofthisjourneyandbeingpartofthereasonIpushedthroughwhenIdoubtedmyself.Thanksforreading,sharing,andsupportingme.Andfromthebottomofmyheart,thankyouforbelievinginme.
Untilthenextworld!
LaurenIttrulytakesateamofincrediblepeopletohelpmepulloffwritingabook.
Mom—Writingaboutadedicatedmothercameeasybecauseyouhavealwaysbeenthebestrolemodelandcheerleaderforus.Thanksforhelpingmegetthroughmywriter’sblockandinspiringmetowriteaboutsomethingdifferent.
Mr.FOF—Thanksforremindingmethatthelittleromanticgesturesarejustasimportantasthebigones.
ToChrista,Pam,andtherestoftheteamatBloomBooks—Thankyouformakingthisreleasesuchaspecialoneforme.Notonlydidyouhelpmebringmystorytothenextlevel,butyoualsohelpedsharewithalloftheUnitedStatesandCanada.SeeingmybooksinphysicalstoreswasanexperienceIwillcherishforever.
AnnaandtheteamatPiatkus—ThankyouforhelpingmesharemystoriesnotonlywiththeUKandtheBritishCommonwealth,butalsotheworld.IttrulyhasbeenthecoolestexperiencetocatchPiatkuseditionsoftheDreamlandBillionairesallovertheworld.
Kimberly,Joy,andeveryoneatBrowerLiterary&Management—Iappreciateyourcommitmenttohelpingmybooksfindnewreadersandguidingmethroughthiswildpublishingworld.
Nina,Kim,andeveryoneatValentinePR—You’vemadetheprocessofreleasingabookacompletebreeze.Icanalwayscountonyoutonotonlymakemefeellikefamilybuthelporganizeeverythingforme.
Becca—CallingyouwhenIwas75%intomyTFPdraftandunsureabouttheproductwasoneofthebestdecisionsIhavemade.I’msogratefulthatEricasavedthedayformeandconnectedusbecauseIvaluenotonlyyourincredibleeditingfeedback,butalsoyourheart.I’mhappytohaveyouinmycorner,pushingmeinallthebestways.
Erica—Ican’tbelieveweareclosingoutanotherseriestogether.Thisonebroughtmeatonoflaughswithyou,fromHenryFordtoPizzaCal(andMatt’svoicenotesabout*thosescenes*).Iamgratefultonotonlyhaveyouasaneditor,butalsoafriend.
Sarah—Workingwithyouonmybookshasbeenthebestexperience.You’resomeoneIalwayslookforwardtoemailing
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