TERMSANDCONDITIONS
DREAMLANDBILLIONAIRESBOOK2
LAURENASHER
Copyright?2022byLaurenAsher.
Allrightsreserved.
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrievalsystems,withoutwrittenpermissionfromtheauthor,exceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsinabookreview.
Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,organizations,places,events,andincidentsareeitherproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.
TermsandConditions
EditsbyBeccaatEditsinBlueandEricaRussikoffProofreadingbyAllEncompassingBooksandOverbookedAuthorServicesCoverDesigner:MaryatBooksandMoods
CONTENTS
1.Iris
2.Declan
3.Iris
4.Iris
5.Declan
6.Iris
7.Declan
8.Iris
9.Iris
10.Declan
11.Iris
12.Declan
13.Iris
14.Iris
15.Declan
16.Iris
17.Declan
18.Iris
19.Iris
20.Iris
21.Iris
22.Declan
23.Declan
24.Iris
25.Declan
26.Iris
27.Iris
28.Iris
29.Declan
30.Iris
31.Iris
32.Iris
33.Declan
34.Iris
35.Iris
36.Declan
37.Iris
38.Declan
39.Iris
40.Declan
41.Iris
42.Declan
43.Declan
44.Declan
45.Iris
46.Declan
47.Iris
Epilogue
Thankyou!
AlsobyLaurenAsher
Acknowledgments
PLAYLIST
TheMan–TheKillers
Iamnotawoman,I’magod–Halsey
IfIEverFeelBetter–Phoenix
Glitter–BENEE
Enemy–ImagineDragons,JID,&LeagueofLegendsWickedGames–KianaLedé
FallenStar–TheNeighborhood
Altar–Kehlani
SlowDancingInaBurningRoom–JohnMayer
Trip–EllaMai
Shivers–EdSheeran
AngelsLikeYou–MileyCyrus
Animal–NeonTrees
Unlearn–bennyblanco&GracieAbrams
EarnedIt–TheWeeknd
safetynet–ArianaGrandeft.TyDolla$ign
Iris–TheGooGooDolls
Daylight–TaylorSwift
SomeoneToStay–VancouverSleepClinic
GreatOnes–MarenMorris
MarryMe–Train
PaperRings–TaylorSwift
Toanyonefightinganinvisiblebattle.
Iseeyou.
1
IRIS
“It’sacrimetocelebrateadayliketodayallbyyourself,”Cal,mybestfriendandboss’sbrother,interruptsme.Despitetherumpledstateofhissuitanddirtyblondhair,hestealstheattentionofmultiplewaitresseswhopassbyourtable.
Ilockmyphoneandmusterupasmile.“I’mnottheonegettingmarried.”
Hiseyesflickerovermyface.“No,butyou’rethepuppetmasterwhoaccomplishedtheimpossible.”
“Itwasn’tthatbad.”
“NowIknowsomethingiswrongwithyou.Areyou…sadDeclanisgettingmarried?”Hisvoicedropslowerthanusual.
Alaughburstsoutofme.“What?No.”
“Thenwhat’swrong?”
Myheadhangs,andafewspiralcurlsfallinfrontofmyeyes.Irunahanddownmydresstosmoothoutafewnonexistentwrinkles.Thecheerylavenderfabricstandsoutagainstmybrownskin,makingmeseemfarhappierthanIfeel.“IjustgotanemailtellingmeIdidn’tgetthejob.”
“Shit.I’msorrytohearthat.Iknowhowhardyouworkedontheinterviewpresentation.”
AfterthemonthsIspentworkingonapresentationfortheKaneCompany’sHumanResourcesdepartment,theyrejectedmyjobtransfer.Itstingsmorethanitshould.WhileIwasn’texactlyshootingforthestarswithanentry-levelHRposition,Ihadagoodideawithapromisingfuture.Onethatcouldbenefitcountlessdyslexicsstuckinacorporaterut.Myplancouldtakethecompanytothenextlevel,ifonlythey’dgivemeachance.
Youcantryagainnexttime.
Mysmilewobbles.“Iguessitwasn’tmeanttobe.”
“That’ssomebullshitifyouaskme.”
Ilaugh.“It’strue.AtleastDeclanneverfoundout.CouldyouimagineifItoldhimandthenIdidn’tevengetthejob?Hewould’veneverletmeliveitdown.”
“Hedoestendtogloat.”
“Hencetheparty.”Ipointattheginormousballoonarchwithamassivegrin
CalraisesabrowattheflickeringneonSheSaidYessign.
“Understated.He’llloveit.”
Ibatmylasheswithfauxsweetness.“Isimplyplannedapartylikeheaskedmeto.Heshouldhavespecifiedwhatkindofeventhewanted.”
“Remindmetoneverpissyouoff.”
“Ihaveawholeplanforthedaythathappens.”
Calfakeshudders.“Whereisthewife-to-be?”
“Declanwantedtomeetwithherbeforetheannouncement.”
Hiseyeswiden.“Whythehellwouldyoulethimdothat?”
“Umm…becausehehasn’tmetheryet?”
“Exactly!That’swhyit’saterribleidea!”Calrunshishandsthroughhisthickwaves.
“Youthinkhe’sgoingtomakeherchangehermind?”
“Knowingmybrother,itwouldn’ttakemuchconvincing.”
“Shesignedacontract.It’sadonedeal.”
“Ifyousayso…”Heshrugs.
“MaybeIshouldgocheckonthem.”Iturntowardtheelevators.
Calloopshisarminmine.“No.You’retakingthenightoff.”
“But—”
“You’reprobablyright.Declanwouldn’trisklosingitallnowbydoingsomethingstupid.Evenheknowswhentoholdback.”
“NowIknowyou’relying.”
Hechuckles.“Comeon.Let’sgoinsideandwaitforDeclan.Justthinkaboutthewayhewilltrysohardnottoscowlandfailanyway.
Hell,Idon’tthinkI’veseenhimsomuchaslookinsomeone’sdirectionwithoutsneeringsince—”Hecutshimselfoff.
“Since?”
Heavoidslookingmeintheeyes.“Sinceforever.I’mprettysurehisdickispermanentlychafedfromjackingoffeverynight.”
Ismackhisshoulderwithalaugh.“Shutup!He’smyboss.”
“Doesn’tmakeitanylesstrue.I’msurprisedsaidappendagehasn’tfallenofffromthatkindofabuse.”
Iletoutanothergiggle.
“Callahan.”Declan’svoicebooms.
AfewstragglersscurryinsideoftheballroomatthesoundofDeclan’svoice.
“Hesureknowshowtocleararoom,”Calsays.
WhateverhappinessIsawinCal’seyesdiesthemomentDeclanstopsbyuswithafrown.Theairmorphsintosomethingcold,withDeclan’sicyglarethreateningtoreverseclimatechange.Hismassivebodyblocksmyviewoftheentirelobby.Thespotlightbehindhimonlyhighlightsthesharpnessinhisfeatures,bringingoutthedarknessin
ComparedtoCal’sgoldenboylookofblondhairandblueeyes,Declanremindsmeofthedeepestpartoftheocean—cold,dark,andunnervinglyquiet.Likeamonsterlurkingwithinreach,onlyabreathawayfrommakingsomeonehisprey.Fromhisdarkhairtothepermanentgrimaceetchedintohisface,hegivesoffafeelingthatmakeseveryoneturnintheoppositedirection.
Well,everyoneexceptme.Somemightsayheearnedmyloyaltythroughapaycheck,butthatisn’tthecase.Weshareamutualrespectforoneanotherthathasstoodthetestoftime.Whileourfirstfewmonthsworkingtogetherwererocky,mycommitmenttosucceedingashisassistanthelpedpavethewaytoourrelationshiptoday.
Somehowweclickalthoughwe’reoppositesinalmosteverysingleway.I’maBlackwoman.He’saWhitemale.Ismileandhescowls.HewakesupearlyeverymorningtoworkoutwhileIwouldn’tbecaughtdeadatthegymunlessitwastograbasmoothieatthecafé.Wecouldn’tbemoredifferentifwetried,yetwemakeitwork.OratleastIdo.
Istepbetweenthetwobrothers.“Declan,whatareyoudoingouthere?Isittimefortheannouncementalready?”
DeclandragshiseyesawayfromCalanddowntowardme.Mostpeoplecowerunderhisstare,butIstraightenmyspineandlookathimhead-onlikemynanataughtme.
“Shequit.”
Iblink.“Whoquit?Theweddingplanner?”
“No.Thewife.Belinda.”
“Bethanyquit?!”
Caldarestolooksmug.
Declandoesn’tbotherlookingawayfrommyfaceashedetonatesallmycarefullylaidplans.“Yes.Her.”
“Thiscan’tbehappening.”Irefusetobelievethatheruinedmonthsofmyhardwork.FindinghimawifewillingtomarryhimandhavehischildsohecouldbecomeCEOandearnhisinheritancewasnearlyimpossible.
Refusingtobelieveitdoesn’tchangethefacts.
“IhatetobetheonetosayItoldyouso…”Calsays.
“Thisisallyourfault.”Iglareathim.
Calraisesbothofhishandsupintheair.“No!It’snotmyfaultmybrother’sattitudeisbiggerthanhisdick.”
DeclansmacksthebackofCal’shead.IignoretheirbickeringasIpaceacrossthecarpet,circlingaroundthem.
“Youshouldhaveelopedwhileyouhadthechance.”Caldrainshisglassbeforestealingmyhalf-finishedflute.
“Speakingfrompersonalexperience?”
Cal’snostrilsflare.Hisfistsballupathissidesbeforehetakesadeepbreathandletstheangermeltoffhim.Heturnshisattentiontowardme.“Thatiswhymygrandpamadethatinheritanceclauseinthefirstplace.HeknewDeclanwasn’treadytobecomeCEOand
thoughtafamilymightsoftenhimup.Imean,howcansomeonelikehiminspirethemasseswhenhealwaysseekstodestroyeveryonearoundhim?”
Declan’sjawclenches.Calraisesaneyebrowinasilenttaunt.
IpointatCal.“Quitactinglikeachildandusethatbigbrainofyourstohelpusoutofthismess.”Declan’seyesarealreadyfocusedonmeasIturntowardhim.“Andyoustoptakingyourangeroutoneveryoneelse.YourscrewinguphasnothingtodowithCalandeverythingtodowithyou.”
HeonlystaresatmewiththatblankgazeIhatemorethananything.
Calscoffs.“Ofcoursehefuckedthisup.Hislatestsoftwareupdatedidn’tincludeamanualonhowtobeadecenthumanbeing.”
“You’rebothhopeless,”IgrumbleundermybreathasIgrabmyphoneanddialBethany’snumber.Itringstwicebeforegoingstraighttovoicemail.Icallagainbutthistimethevoicemailpicksuprightaway.“Shit!”
“Noanswer?”Calhastheaudacitytosoundamused.
“Whatdidyoudo?”IhissinDeclan’sdirection.
Declanpicksatapieceofinvisiblelintonthesleeveofhisjacketasifthisisthemostboringconversationofhisday.“Shewasn’tcutoutforthejob.”
“Andwhatwouldyoulikemetodowiththatinformationgiventhefactthatwehaveahundredpeoplewaitingtohearaboutyourengagementtosomemysterywoman?I’mallears.”
Hestaresatmewithnarrowedeyes,andIglarerightbackathimwithmyhandsonmyhips.
Calmakesaloudslurpingsoundasiftoremindusofhispresence.“I’malsointerestedinhearinghowthiswillallpanout.
FatherwillbejustthrilledtohearaboutDeclan’sfailedengagement.”
OhmyGod.WhilehisfatherisunawareofDeclan’sletterfromBradyKanedetailingtherequirementsforhisinheritance,heisn’tstupid.There’sareasonheisasuccessfulbusinessmanafterall.Ihavenodoubtifhecatchesthefaintesthintthatthisengagementis
false,hewillgorunningtoBrady’slawyer.Andifthelawyerbelieveshim,Declancouldloseeverything
Think,Iris.Think.ItryBethany’snumberonemoretime,hopingathirdtimeisacharm.Thevoicemailcanbeheardloudandclearthroughthetinyphone’sspeaker.
Calwhistlesbeforemakinganexplosionnoise.“That’sthesoundofDeclan’sfuturedying.”
“Don’tyouhavesomewheretobe?Aseedybarperhaps?”
Declansnaps.
“WhypayforalcoholwhenIcangetitforfreeonyourdime?”
Calgrinsashedangleshischampagnefluteintheair.
ItrytotunethemoutasIconsidermyoptions.
Whatcanyoudo?Quitonceandforall?
No.Irefusetogiveupnow.NotwhenI’msoclosetohelpingDeclanachievehisgoal.
Youcouldcallthebackupoptionyouhave,butDeclanmadehercry—
“Youknow,Irisissingle.”Cal’ssmileturnssinister.“Shecouldstepintotherolelikeanaturalsincenooneknowsyoubetterthanher.”
“No,”Declansnaps.
Wait.
Yes.
Me!
It’snotlikeIhavemuchstoppingmefromsteppinginasasubstitute.Withnoboyfriendtospeakoforpriorcommitments,IcouldeasilyreplaceBethany.
Justbecauseyoucandoesn’tmeanyoushould.
Well,ifnotme,thenwho?Weareoutoftimeandsuitablefiancées.
Iopenmymouth,onlytobeinterruptedbyasquealfromTati,Declan’sweddingplanner.“Thereyouare!Iwaswonderingwherethehusband-to-besnuckoffto.”Tati’shigh-pitchedvoiceechoes.
“Youcan’tpayforthiskindofentertainment.”Caldrainsmyglassbeforeleaningagainstthetablewithasmile.
“WhereisthefiancéeI’veheardsolittleabout?”Tatiwavesherclipboardlikeamagicwand.
I’mgladIwithheldBethany’sidentityjustincasesomethinglikethishappened.
Youcan’tbeseriouslythinkingaboutmarryinghim.Youdon’tevenlovehim.
Idon’tneedtolovehim.It’sacontract,notalovematch.
Declancutsoffmythoughts,“Beatr—”
“HernameisTati,dear.”Ipressmyhandagainsthischest.Hisbodygoesrigid,andIgivehimanotherpatinawaythatsaysactnaturally.
Hisdarkbrowspulltogetherashestaresdownatmyhandlikehewantstoripitofffingerbyfinger.“Whatareyoudoing?”Hiswordscomeoutsharpenoughtostabstraightthroughmyperfectlycraftedexterior.
“Savingyouthetroubleofhavingtointroducemeandexplainourstory.”IshoothimthesweetestsmileIcanmanagegiventhecircumstance.
Areyoureallygoingtodothis,Iris?thevoiceofreasonspeaksup.
Idon’tseemuchofanoptionhere.
Thisismarriage!It’snotsomethingyoucanjustbackoutofwhenyougetscared.
Ishutdowneverythoughtspeakingoutagainstmyplan.It’sonlyafewyearsofmylife.
Whatabouthavingachild?!
Well,Ialwayswantedtobeamother.
Yeah.Infiveyears!
AtleastIcangetstartedonmyfive-yearplanabitaheadofschedule.
IswallowthelumpinmythroatandturnmyattentionbacktowardTati.IstepoutofDeclan’sstiffembracebeforegrabbinghishand.Themusclesunderneathhissuitbunchup,visiblytighteningunderneaththematerialofhisjacket.
Great.We’llhavetoworkonhisaversiontoyourtouchlater.“Tati,Iwasn’tfullyhonestwithyouwhenwespokeoverthephone.”
Hersmiledims.“Oh.”
“IwasabithesitantaboutintroducingmyselfasanythingbutDeclan’sassistantbeforemeetingyouinperson.See,I’vebeen
workingattheKaneCompanyforquitesometime,andyouknowhoweasilygossipspreads.”
Shebobsherheadassheclutchesherclipboardtoherchest.“Ofcourse.Igetit.”
“Iwassoscaredofwhatpeoplewouldthinkaboutmedatingmyboss,butwecan’thideitanymore.Wedon’twanttohideit.”Myvoicehitcheswithoutmetrying.
Declan’sonlysignofdistressisthewayheblinksatmetwice.
I’veneverseenhimblinktwice.Notwhenadealhehadbeenworkingonfortwoyearsblewupandsureashellnotwhenhisgrandfatherdied.
Itmakesme…unsettled
IsteelmyspineandturnbacktowardTati.“We’rereadytomoveforwardwithourfuture.There’snoreasontokeepourloveasecretanymore.”
Calgivesmetwothumbs-upbehindTati’sback.Oscar-worthyhemouthsbeforepromptingDeclantosmilewithhistwomiddlefingers.
Tati’swholefacelightsupasshetakesinourhands.“Wow!
Tonightmustbesuchabigdealforyouboththen,formultiplereasons.”Hereyesdroptomynakedringfinger.
“Oh,right.Thering!”IswingmygazetowardDeclan’sface.
Theticinhisjawispresentforeveryonetosee.
Sorry,Declan,I’msavingyoufromruiningyourentirefuture,eventhoughitmightnotseemlikeitrightnow.
Declantugshishandfrommygrasp.Hepullsoutaplatinumbandwithabeautifulsolitairediamondfromhispocket.I’msomewhatsurprisedbytheelegantring.It’snothingliketheungodlymonstrosityIchoseforhisfuturewife,whichonlyconfusesme.Didhepickupthewrongoneatthestore?IknewIshouldn’thavetrustedhimwithsomethingsoimportant,butheinsisted.
Tatiraisesabrowinsilentquestion,yankingmebackintothemoment.
“IaskedDeclantoholdontoitsinceweneedtogetitresized.
ThedamnthingflewoffmyfingerthemomentIthrewmyselfintohisarmsafterheproposed.”
“Ohno!”Tatipouts.
CalslidesintoTati’seyesight.“Itoldmybrotheritwasabadideatoproposeinthemiddleofarainstorm,butheinsisteditwastheperfectmomentbecauseIrislovesthem.”
“I’veneverseenanyonegetdownontheirkneesquickerthanhim.”IwinkatTatiandhercheeksflush.
Declan’sfrownbecomesmorepronounced,whichonlymakesmelaugh.
“ThemannearlytorehisTomFordslacksinhalfwhilechasingafterthatring.Mybrotherhasneverpanickedlikethatbefore,soit’sagoodthinghefounditbeforeitfelldownastormdrain.”CalwrapsanarmaroundDeclan’sshoulder,andDeclanpromptlyshoveshimoff.
“Didyougetallthisonvideo?I’dlovetoshowittotheguests!”
Tatibeams.
Thebackofmyneckheats.“Ohno.Declan’sproposalwasspurofthemoment.Itwassoromantic—”Iinhaleasthedevilgrabsmylefthand,andgoosebumpsbreakoutacrossmyskin.Hetracesthemashedragstheringupmyfinger.
“Oh,look!Itfitsafterall!”Taticlapsherhands.Iswearsheonlyhastwovolumesettings—loudandear-splitting.
“Hemusthavefoundsometimeinhisbusyscheduletofinallyhaveitresized.”Mycheeksheat.
Declanpullsatthebandonce,testingthesnugnessbeforetuckinghishandintohispocket.
Itracethediamondwithafingerbeforegivingtheringapull.
Thebanddoesn’tbudgeatall.Iclearmythroatandforceasmile.“Ithinkit’sstuck.”
GofigurethatBethanyhadasmallerfingerthanmine.CanIcatchanybreakstonight?
“Inmorewaysthanone,”hisvoicedropslowenoughforonlymetohearit.Somethingaboutthedepthofhisvoicesendsanotherchillacrossmybody.Hestepsoutofmyproximity,andItakeadeepbreath.
Hereadjustshisjacket.“Timetogetonwiththisshow.”
Ashow.Nothingmore,nothingless.Afakemarriagemeanttosavemybossfromlosingeverythinghehasworkedtowardhisentirelife.
Thethoughtsendsafreshwaveofpanicthroughme,muchstrongerthaneverbefore.Itrytotellmyselfitisonlyamarriageonpaper,butnothingseemstoeasetherapidbeatofmyheart.
Declan’sgazeclashesintomineasifhecansensemygrowinganxiety.Myrealitysetsinlikeabadsunburn,andIfindmyabilitytobreathebecomingprogressivelymoredifficultwitheachsecondthatpasses.
IjustsignedmyselfuptohelpDeclan—forbetterorforworse.
Tilldeathdouspart.
2
DECLAN
“I’dlikeamomenttospeakwithmyfiancéeinprivate.”Thewordsscrapeagainstmytonguelikesandpaper.
Iris’seyesconnectwithmine.TheywidenbeforemovingontoCalinasilentpleaforhelp.Whileherabilitytoreadmelikeapolygraphmachinemakeshereffectiveatherjob,itisnothingbutaninconveniencenow.
Calopenshismouth.WhateverlookIsendhiswayhashimbackingawayslowly.
“Seeyoubothinside.”HegivesIrisahalf-assedsalutebeforeenteringtheballroom.
Theweddingplannerchecksthetimeonherwatch.“I’llbebackinfiveminutestograbyoutwo.Don’tdisappearonmeagain.”Shewinksbeforeenteringthekitchen.
Myheartbeatsrapidlyagainstmychest,andIattempttotakethreedeepbreathstoslowthepacedown.
YoudidtellhertofindyouanyonewithanXXchromosomeandtheabilitytoprocreate.You’retheonlyonetoblamehere.
I’mbeyondthepointofnoreturn.NeverdidIthinkIriswouldresorttothiskindofplanwithoutsomuchasaskingmeifIwouldagree.It’saterribleideathatriskseverythingwehavebuilttogetherovertheyears.
Calmdown.
One…two…
Fuckthis.
“Whatthehellwereyouthinking?”
Irisdoesn’tsomuchasbristlefrommytone,althoughherfulllipspursefromdistaste.“I’msavingyourass,that’swhat.”
“I’mfailingtoseehowthat’sthecase.”
“Wouldyoulikemetoscheduleyouaneyeexam?Ihearvisiongetsworsewithage.”Herusualjokeaboutmebeingtwelveyearsolderthanherfallsflat.
Myeyesnarrowintoslits.“Don’ttestme.”
“Anddon’tyoudarelookatmethatway.”Sheplacesabrownhandonherhiplikeabattlestance.Thediamondonherfingerstandsoutagainstherdarkerskin,drawingmyattentiontoit.“IfIdidn’tstepinthenyouwouldhavehadtoexplaintoaroomfullofahundredguestswhythere’snoblushingbride-to-be.Whatwouldyoutelleveryone?Thatshegotlostinthemail?”
“No.”Igrindmyteethtogether.“Althoughamail-orderbrideseemslikeabetteralternativeatthemoment.”
Herdarkeyesdamnneartwinkle.“Faceit.You’verunoutoftimeandoptions.”
“Clearly.”Igiveheraonce-overglance.
Somethingflashesbehindhereyesbeforedisappearing.Sheliftsherchineversoslightlyindefiancewhilestaringmestraightintheeyes.“Waytomakeagirlfeelspecial.”
“SpecialisthelastwordIwouldusetodescribeyou.”Itfeelsfartoogenericforsomeonelikeher.
Sheletsoutagroanasshethrowsherhandsintheair.“Idon’tknowwhyIthoughtthiswasagoodidea.”
“Thatmakestwoofus.Whatexactlyisyourmotivehere?”
“Ilikeyouenoughtowanttosaveyoufromyourself.I’msureitmustbeachemicalimbalanceofsomekind,somytherapistwillbehearingallaboutthisonMonday.”
Iblinkather.“Don’ttellmeyou’remarryingmeoutofthegoodnessofyourheart?”
Herdarkbrowspulltogether,andshestandstaller.“SowhatifIam?”
“Cuttheact.ThoseideasonlyexistinDreamlandfilms.”
Herlipspart.“I’mnotacting,althoughyourreactionmakesmewishIwas.”
Somethingaboutthiswholethingisn’tsittingright.WhywouldIrissuddenlyvolunteertobemywifeaftermonthsofsearchingforaperfectcandidate?
Becauseshedidn’twanttoseeyoumarrysomeoneelse,thesmallestvoiceinmyheadspeaksup
Shecouldn’t…No.There’snoway.
Orcoulditbe?
Thatcouldexplainhererraticbehavior.Ifollowhergaze,findingherstaringattheengagementring.Shetracestheroundedgeofthediamondslowly.DareIsayreverently
Ohfuck.
Attractionisonething.InfatuationisawholeotherdeadlygameIhavenointerestinplayinganytimesoon.
Mymolarssmashtogether.“Areyoudoingallthisbecauseyou’resecretlyinlovewithme?”Thewordsleavemymouthinarush.Myheartbeatshardagainstmyribcage,fightingforawayout.
Herhavingstrongfeelingsbesidesindifferenceformeisn’tsomethingIconsidered.Hell,Ineverevenwantedtothinkofitforahundredreasons,butmostofallbecauseshe’sthebestassistantI’veeverhad.Losingherisn’tanoption.Especiallynotwhensheisanessentialpartofmyplantotakeovermyfather’sposition.
TheideaisshatteredintoathousandpiecesasIriscurlsoverandletsoutthemostobnoxiouslaugh.InthethreeyearsI’vespentinherpresence,I’veneverseenacrackinhersanity.Whoknewallitwouldtakeismyringonherfingertotriggeracompletebreakdown?
Shereachesoutforstability,grabbingontothefirstthingwithinarm’slengthwhichhappenstobemeEverymuscleinmybodylocksup,andheattravelsupmyarmlikeI’mbeingconsumedby
flames.Istayramrodstraightasherlaughturnsintosomeasthmaticwheeze.
Ratherthanfeelrelieved,I’msomewhatthrownoffbyherreaction.Mystomachsoursatherdisdaintowardlovingme.
You’llalwaysbeunlovable.Myfather’svoiceslithersthroughmyheadatthemostinconvenientmoments,sendingachillacrossmyskin.
Ipluckherfingersoffmybiceponebyone.“Areyouexperiencingakindofcrisis?”
“No,youfool.AndI’mnotinlovewithyou.”Shelaughsagain,makingthemostgod-awfulwheezingsoundeverytimesheinhales.
“I’mdoingthisbecausewe’refriends.”
“Iwillneverbeyourfriend.”AndIneverwanttobe.
Herlipspullintoafrown.“Liar.Friendshelpfriendswhenthey’resick.”
“Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“RememberthetimeIhadtheflu?”
Icrossmyarms.“I’mstillnotentirelyconvincedthatwasthecase.”
“Soyoudoremember!”Herlaughturnsintoaraspycough.
“OnlybecauseIhadtohireaclean-upcrewtoensureeverysquareinchoftheplacewasscrubbeddown.”
“Fine.WhataboutthetimeIhelpedyouwhenyougotdrunkonabusinesstrip?”
“Ineverwantedyourassistance.”
“Youweretrippingoveryourownfeetandaskingmetointroduceyoutomytwinyoudidn’tknowabout.”
Mytoleranceforvodkaisrightuptherewithmytolerancetowardpeople—nonexistent.
“Drunkyouissomuchnicer.Youaskedmetotuckyouintobedandsingyoualullaby.”
“NowIknowyou’relying.You’reoneoftheworstsingersIknow.”Mylipsthreatentocurveintoasmile,butIsettleonagrimaceinstead.
Shethrowsherhandsintheair.“Okay,fine.Ilied.ButIwouldn’thavesaidnoifyouasked!Becausefriendshelpotherfriends.”
I’mtemptedtopayanypriceforthewordfriendstobeerasedfromdictionarieseverywhere.Idon’thavethem.Idon’twantthem.
AndIdon’twanttobethem,especiallynothers.
Herraspylaughturnsintoafitofcoughs.BeforeIcanstopmyself,Igrabhertinypursefromthetableandshoveitintoherhands.“Fixthatgod-awfulsound.”
Shesiftsthroughherbagtofindherinhaler.“Concernedaboutmywell-being?”
“Solelyforaself-servingpurpose.”
“Ofcourse.HowcouldIforget.”Shesmilesaroundtheopeningofthedispenserbeforebreathinginthemedication.
“Let’sgetafewthingsstraight.”
Herbrowspulltogether,andhermouthopens,butIsilenceher.“AnykindnessIshowedtoyouinthepastisstrictlyoutofrespectforyouasmyassistant.Idon’twastemytimeonsomethingaspointlessasfriendship,soifyoubelievetherewasanythingplatonicbetweenus,thatfallsonyou,notme.”
Unlikemostwomenwhoweepinmypresence,Irisonlyshrugsfrommyharshness.“Sillymeforbelievingyouactuallycouldpossessanyfeelingsbesidesdisdaintowardanyoneelse.Icanassureyouitwon’thappenagain.”
“Idon’tfeelanythingbesidesaburningdesiretoachievemyendgoal.”
Shesighs.“There’smoretolifethandestroyingyourfather.”
IignoreherasIcheckmywatch,notingwe’rerunningoutoftime.“Ineedtosetsomegroundrulesnow.”
“Rules.”Hereyeswidentotheirlimits.
“Everylook.”Theunsteadybeatofmyheartfloodsmyears.HerbreathcatchesinherthroatasIcuphercheek.Mythumbstrokeshersoftskin,rubbingbackandforthlikeIcouldbrandmynamewithtouchalone.“Everytouch.”
Hereyesshut.Everycellofmybodyburnstoretractmyself.ToputsomedistancebetweenusbecauseIshouldn’ttouchherlikethis.Itblurstoomanylines.ButI’muselessasIbreatheinhercoconutscent,andmylungsprotesttheinvasion.“Everysingle
kiss…isnothingbutalie.”Mylipsbrushoverthecornerofhermouth,andmybodyfeelsasifithasbeenstruckwithjumpercables.
HereyessnapopenasIpullaway,astormclearlybrewinginherhead.Ipocketmyhands,appearingunfazedwhileherchestrisesandfallswitheachraggedbreathshereleases.
“You—I—wha—”Herspeechisasjumbledasherthoughts.Ishouldfeelflatteredatmyabilitytoincapacitateher,butitthrowsmeoffmorethananything.Mytouchshouldn’tcausethatkindofreaction.Notifshewashonestwhenshesaidshewasonlydoingthisbecausesheconsidersmeafriend
Iseektogaincontroloverthesituationagain.Tothrowupsomesemblanceofabarrieraroundmyself.“ThereisnothingIwon’tdotoearnmyinheritance.Rememberthatwhenyouforgetthisisonlyagametome.”
Hermouthopens,butshe’scutoffbythatshrillvoicethatwillhauntmeforever.
“Allright,youtwo.TheguestsaregettingantsytomeetthefutureMr.andMrs.”Theweddingplannerinterruptsus.Shepointsherclipboardtowardtheentrancetotheballroomlikeamilitarycommander.
“Areyouready?”Irislatchesontomyhand.Hersmileisawatered-downversionoftheonesheofferedCalearlier.
Iremainsilent,knowinganythingthatcomesoutofmymouthwillonlybealie.
3
IRIS
“Everyone,pleaseputyourhandstogetherforthefutureMr.andMrs.Kane.”
MyeyeswidenattheDJ’sannouncement
Sothisishowwe’regoingtodoit?Justlikethat?
You’retheonewhoplanneditthatway.Imentallykickmyselffortheobnoxiousengagementparty.IfIhadknownIwouldbetheoneatthecenterofeveryone’sattention,Iwouldhavegonewithasimplesocialmediaannouncement.
MykneeswobbleasIscantheaudience.Istraightenmylegstogethertostopmyselffromfallingover.Thenumberofdesignerclothesallpackedintooneroomisungodly,andthefakesmilesontheirfaceshavemyskinitching.
Declan’seyescollidewithmine.It’sreflexiveatthispoint,withasinglelooksharingahundredwords.
“Deepbreath.”Hegrabsmylefthand,andtheheatofhispalmseepsintomyskin.It’sunsettlinghowhecantellI’manxiouswithoutmeeverexpressingit.
You’vebeenworkingforhimforthreeyears.Ofcoursehecantellwhenyou’renervous.
“IrisandIaregettingmarriedattheendofthemonth.”
Theendofthemonth?That’sintwoweeks!
Themusicstops.Someonecoughs.Awaiterdropstheirtray.
We’resurroundedbyanarrayofreactions,eachonemoreshockedthanthenext.Idon’tblamethem.IthoughtDeclanandIhadamonthtosortoutourengagement,butnowweonlyhavetwoweeks.
Thesilenceisdeafening.Mystomachthreatenstodumpitscontentsontheshinymarblefloor,butsomehow,Iswallowbacktheacidcrawlingupmythroat.
Yougotthis.
“Surprise!”Ibeam,hopingtocounteractDeclan’slessthanexcitingdisplay.Iripmyhandoutofhisandthrowitupsoeveryonecanseemyengagementring.Amillioncolorsbounceoffthediamond,drawingeveryone’sattentiontowardthesymbolofmyimpendingdoom.
“Welcometothefamily,Iris.”Rowan,Declan’syoungestbrotherstepsoutfromthecrowd.WhilemostpeoplethinkhelookslikeDeclanwithhisbrownhairanddarkgaze,Ifindthemdistinctlydifferent.BecausewhereRowanhassomehintsofhumanitypeekingthrough,Declanlacksthesamecompassion.
Calbreaksthroughthecrowdandraiseshisdrinkintheair.
“FamilytherapyisonThursdaynights.Don’tbelate!”
Afewpeoplelaugh,andsomehowthetensioneasesenoughtomakebreathingbearableagain.
“Onehourandwe’releaving,”Declanhuffsunderhisbreath,lowsoonlyIcanhearhim.
“Iwasgoingtosuggestthirtyminutes,butifyouinsist.”
Hedoesn’tsmile,buthiseyeslightupastheylandonme.Hischuffofairispracticallyabellylaugh.Webothknowwewillnevermakeitoutofhereinhalfanhour.NotwhenDeclanisthefirstKanetogetmarriedsinceSethoverthirtyyearsago.ThiskindofannouncementisrightuptherewiththeprinceofEnglandhavingachild,andeveryoneisgoingtowantafewminuteswithhim.
WhateverresponseDeclanhasissnuffedoutashisfather,SethKane,partsthecrowdlikeMoses.Theintensityofhisdispleasurecouldmakealessermancrumbletohisknees
Minelockintoplace.I’vespentenoughtimearoundhimtolearnhefeedsoffpeople’sweaknesses.
Declanfeignsindifferenceexceptforthetinyticinhisjaw.He’samasterofhidinghisemotions,buteverynowandthen,oneappears.
Asmallclenchofhisjaw.Thequickflexofhishand.Anarrowingofhiseyesbeforereturningtohiscoolgaze.
“Relax.”Ileanintohimandrubmyhandoverhispoundingheart.
You’renottheonlyonewhoisnervous.LookslikeDeclanismorehumanthanIthought.
“Son.”Sethdoesn’tbotheracknowledgingmypresence,asperusual.SinceIservenopurposeforhim,Iceasetoexist.Simpleasthat.
“Father.”Declantipshischin.
Theybothlookeerilysimilarwiththeirbrownhairandempty,darkstares.Butthat’swheretheirlikenessends.I’msureSethwashandsomeatonepointinhislife,buthismisuseofalcoholhasagedhiminawaythatBotoxcan’tfix.
“Ifiguresomecongratulationsareinorder.”Sethsmilesatmeforthefirsttimeever.Thefakenesspouringoffhimmakesmenauseous.“Mysonisluckytohaveyouinhislife.”
Yeah,right.Themanknowsnothingaboutme.Evenafterthreeyears,hestillcallsmeIrenewheneverheneedstogetpatchedthroughtoDeclan’sphoneline.
“Saveyourdisplayforthecameras.”Declanwrapshisarmaroundme.Whilehisgesturecomesoffrobotic,Iappreciatehisabilitytotrytomakethislooklegitimate.Trybeingthekeyword.
He’sstifferthanmynana’scocktails,andthosesuckerscangetanyonedrunkfromasinglecup.
“Fineadvicefromsomeoneputtingonquitetheshowrightnow.”
Declan’shandgripsontomywaistwithpunishingforce.“Justbecauseyou’rebitteraboutlovedoesn’tmeantherestofusfeelthesameway.”
Hescoffs.“Youdon’tknowthefirstthingaboutlove.”
“Theysayyoucanlearnalotfromothers’mistakes,sothanksforthat.”
There’sacrackinSeth’swolfishsmile.It’ssobrief,Ialmostmissit,butthepainetchedintohiseyesthrowsmeoff.
Don’tfallforit.It’snotreal.
“YouknownothingaboutwhatyourmotherandIwentthrough,andIhopeyouneverhavetoexperiencesomethinglikethatduringyourmarriage.”Sethturnsonhisheelandexitstheballroomwithoutpayingmindtoanyonearoundhim.
Somuchforappearinglikeaunited,happyfamilytothepublic.
NotmanythingscangetunderSeth’sskin,butthementionofhiswifealwaysdoesit.It’shardnottofeelbadforthemanwholosthisspousetocancer.ButthenIrememberhowmuchofadickhewastohissons,andallmypityiswipedaway.
SomeonenewentersourvicinityandcallsoutDeclan’sname.
“Let’sgetthisoverwith,”Declanmuttersunderhisbreath.
“IneverthoughtI’dseethedaywhenDeclanKanegotengaged
—”ThemancompletelyoverlooksmeasheslapsDeclanontheshoulderandwhispersintohisear.
Guestafterguestcomesuptoustooffertheircongratulations.
EachoneoverlooksmewhilekissinguptoDeclan,whichaddstotheacidgrowinginthepitofmystomach.MyonlysourceofentertainmenttonightiswatchingDeclanfakehiswaythrougheveryencounter,buteventhatlosesitsnoveltyafteranhour.
Youmightaswellbeinvisible.
TheDJannouncesforeveryonetoclearthedancefloorasaslowmelodybeginstostreamfromthespeakers.IinstantlyknowI’mintrouble.
Declanmustpickuponittoobecauseoureyesconnectacrosstheroom.UsuallyIwouldlaughatthetinyticinhisjaw,butseeingasI’mapartofthistorture,Icanbarelyfinditinmetosmile.Hewalksacrosstheroomandgrabsmyhand.
“Doyouknowhowtodance?”Iasklowenoughforonlyhimtohear.
“OfcourseIknowhowtodance.”AlthoughDeclan’sfaceremainsblankasawhitecanvas,thewayhishandgraspsontomineinachokeholdrevealsexactlyhowhefeelsaboutallthis.
Hehatestheattentionasmuchasyou.
Mywholebodyfeelsasifsomeonesetmeonfire.Ahundredpairsofeyespiercemycarefullycraftedexterior,andmyanxietyonlygrowsasDeclantugsmetowardhisbody.Oneofhishandssnakesaroundmybackwhiletheotherholdsontomytremblinghandwithenoughforcetocutoffmycirculation.
Thetipsofhisfingersskateacrossthetopofmyass.Sparksshootoffmyskinfromthecontact,andIsuckinabreath.
“Stopdoingthat,”Isaythroughmyforcedsmile.
“Doingwhat?”
“Touchingmelikethat.”
“You’remyfiancée,”hereplieslikethatexplainseverything.
Hishandretreats,andIreleaseasigh,onlytostartlewhenheyanksmeforwardsothereisn’taninchofspaceleftbetweenus.
Breathingisofficiallyoptionalatthispoint.
“Whatkindofslowdancingisthis?”
“Thekindthathaseveryonefilmingus.”
MyentirefacefeelsmoltenasIlookaroundtheroom.“OhGod.”
Hisfacenuzzlesthetopofmyhead,andIswearI’mpracticallylevitatingatthispoint.Forsomeonewhohasnointerestinbeinginarelationship,heisdoingagreatjobfakingit.Ithasmequestioningeverythingaboutusupuntilthispointbecausewherehasthismanbeen?Andmoreimportantly,whydoeshekeephimhidden?
Whydoesitmatter?Thisisn’tevenreal.
Thethoughtsobersme,andmystomachsinkswithdisappointment.Thisisnothingbutanactforeveryoneelse’sbenefit.Imighthavegottencaughtupinitforamoment,butIneedtorememberwhyIagreedtothis.Thisisn’tarealrelationship.Noamountofforeheadkissesorintimatetoucheswillchangethat.
Sticktotheprogramandyouwon’tgethurt.
IrepeatthemottooverandoveragainwhileDeclanmovesusaroundtothesong.Bytheendofourdance,Ifeelstrongerthanbeforeandreadytoseparatefactfromfiction.
Bringiton.
IttakesmeanotherthirtyminutesofsilentlystandingbyDeclan’ssidebeforeIcanfinallymakeittothebathroom.
Icupsomeofthecoldwaterfromthetapandpressitagainstmycheeks.“Yougotthis,Iris.Don’tletthemgettoyou.”
Easiersaidthandone.Whilenoonespoketomebesidesaquickgreeting,theywerequicktoassessmelikealabrat.ThenumberofwomencheckingoutwhatdrinkIwassippingandwhethermybloatedstomachwasduetopregnancyorpastawasastounding.I’veneverbeenself-consciousaboutmyfigure,butthewaytheywereanalyzingmehadmyskingrowinghotundermysilkscarf.
Theydon’tmatter.Irollmyshouldersbackandtouchupmylipstickbeforeexitingthebathroom.
ItakeasteptowardtheballroombeforeI’mtakenoffbalancebysomeonegrabbingontomyelbow.
“Howmuchishepayingyou?”Declan’sfatherturnsmearoundsoIcanfacehim.
Itugmyarmfromhisgrasp.“Ihavenoideawhoorwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“I’mwillingtopayyoudoublewhateverheofferedtomakethisengagementceasetoexist.”
Myeyeswiden.“Excuseme?”
“Youcan’tbethisdense.”
“MakesuretospeakplainlysinceIstruggletokeepupwithhighconcepts.”
“ObviouslyDeclanmusthavebeendesperateifhechoseyouofallpeople.”
Theaudacityofthisman.“I’maluckywoman.MarryingyoursonislikeaDreamlandstorybroughttolife.”
Hemakesanoiseinthebackofhisthroat.“Don’tflatteryourself.
Declanisonlymarryingyouforhisinheritance.”
“He’swhat?”Ihitchmyvoiceattheperfecttime.
“Youdidn’tknow.”Hisbrowspulltogether.
I’vegothimrightwhereIwanthim.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Henevermentionedanythingaboutaninheritance.”Iwillmybottomliptotremble,andtheresultsaremiraculous.
“Theonlyreasonheputaringonyourfingerisbecausehewantsmyposition.Withoutyou,hehasnochanceatbecomingCEO.”
Iblinktwice.“What?”
Hisbitterlaughmakesmewanttorecoil.“Youcan’tactuallythinkhewantstomarryyouforlove?”
“Ifnotlove,thenwhatfor?”Myhandpressesagainstmychest,clawingatthematerialofmydressasifIwanttoripmyheartout.IfCalwerehere,Iimaginehewouldhandmeagoldentrophyformyperformance.MaybeDeclanwouldevengivemearaise.
“Whatelse?Aninheritance.Withoutawifeandachild,hehasnowayofbecomingCEO.”
“Areyouserious?Whatiswrongwithyoupeople?”MypitchriseslikeImightbreakoutintotearsatanymoment.
Hetuckshishandsinhispockets.“Unfortunately.”
“Howdidyoufindallthisout?”
Hisbrowspulltogether.“HowIfoundoutdoesn’tmatter.”
Iwithholdthebodilyurgetorollmyeyes.“Doyouhaveproof?
Youcan’tbelieveI’mdumbenoughtotakeyourwordovermyfiancé’s?”
Hiseyesnarroweversoslightlyasiftotellmeyes,hethoughtIwasthatdumb.Atleasthisassumptionsaboutmemakethiswholeconversationthatmuchmorevictorious.
“HeandIhadadiscussionaboutallofthiswhenhesoughtoutmyadvice.Itriedtowarnhimtonotgothroughwiththis,buthedidn’tlisten.”
Boom.IcatchhimrightwhereIwanthim.ThereisnowayDeclanwouldeverspeaktohisfatherabouthisinheritance,whichmeansallofSethKane’sassumptionsarebasedsolelyonspeculation.Ialmostlaughatmydiscovery,butI’mnotreadytobreakcharacter
yet.I’mhavingalltoomuchfunplayingwithChicago’sbiggestasshole.
Idabatthecornersofmyeyes.“Excuseme.I’mjustfeelingsooverwhelmedsuddenly.”
Mr.KaneshakeshisheadasifheistrulydisgustedbyDeclan’slifechoices.Hedoesn’thavetwolegstostandongivenhishistory,butheputsonagoodshow.Onealmostbetterthanmine.“Mysonshouldknowbetterthantoplaywithaninnocentwoman’sfeelings.
IthoughtItaughthimbetterthanthat.”
Idon’tevenknowwheretostartwiththatcomment.
Don’tlethimgettoyou.He’sonlytryingtoscareyouintocallingoffthemarriage.
Isteelmyspine.“There’sonlyonepersonplayingwithmyfeelings,andI’mstaringstraightathim.Thanksforalltheinformationthough.I’msureDeclanwillbeinterestedinhearingallaboutyourattempttoruinourengagement.”
Hisfacemorphsintosomethingstraightoutofachild’snightmare.“Youthinkyou’reclever?”
“Oh,IknowIam.”
“Iwastryingtosaveyoufromalovelessmarriage,butitseemsasifyoutwodeserveeachother.”
“Isurehopeso,seeingaswe’regettingmarried.”
“Hewillneverloveyou.Heisincapableofit.”
“IfIwantedsomefatherlyadvicefromadeadbeatdad,I’dcallmyownfather.”Mydigismeantforhimandalltheshitheputhischildrenthrough.
Hisjawclenches.“Thisisn’tover.”
Iofferhimabeamingsmileasafewguestswalkpast.“Isurehopenot.Ithoroughlyenjoywatchingyoumakeafoolofyourself.”
IleaveDeclan’sfatherbehind,stewingintheshitstormhecreated.
“Yourfatherknows,”isthefirstthingIsayasDeclanentersthecar.
Harrison,Declan’schauffeur,shutsthedoorbeforeenteringtheprivatedriver’scabin.
Hisheadtilts.“Whatdoyoumean‘heknows’?”
“Let’sjustsayheandIhadaheart-to-heartafterhecorneredmenearthebathroom.”
Hislookofdisgustmirrorsmine.“Tellmeexactlywhathesaid.”
Ibreakdowntheentireconversation,fromtheassumptionshisfathermadetothewayheofferedtopaymedoubletocallofftheengagement.Declanremainstight-lippedthroughoutthewholethinguntilIfinish.
“Hehasnoevidence.”
Itwistmyhandsonmylap.“Doesn’tmeanhewon’tstopuntilhefindssome.”
“Thenwewillgiveeveryoneashowtheysodesperatelywant.”
“Butaren’tyouworriedhemightdosomethingirrational?”
Hiseyeslightupwithchallenge.“I’dliketoseehimtry.ThereisnothingI’dlikemorethantotearhimdownonceandforall.”
Ashiverskatesdownmyspine.“Sowhat’sourplanthen?”
“Ourplan?”
Iflashmyringfingerathim.“Thisautomaticallymakesyouateamplayer.”
Themusclesinhisjawclench.“Youdon’tknowwhatyou’regettingyourselfintowiththisone.”
“IfCal’sstoriesareanythingtogooffof,IthinkIhaveagoodidea.”
“WhateverCaltoldyouisawatered-downversionofthetruth.”
Mybrowstugtogether.“Whatdoyoumean?”
Declan’slipssmashtogether,andthesilencegrowsbetweenusasheremainstight-lippedonthematter.
Irollmyeyes.“Well,then.WhileIappreciateyourconcern,yourfatherdoesn’tscareme,soyourcautionarytalesareawastedeffort.”
“Youmusthaveadeathwish.There’snoexplanationforyourirrationalbehavior.”
Ilaugh.“Obviously,orelseIwouldhaveneveragreedtomarryyou.”
4
IRIS
“You’rewhat?!”Mom’sdarkeyesgowide.Sheclaspsherhandstogethertopreventherselffromrunningthemthroughherspiralcurls.
“Shesaidshe’sengaged,”Nanarepliesloudlybeforeslurpingonhercoffee.HergrayingSenegalesetwistsshiftasshereadjustsherpositiononthewickerchairacrossfromme.
“How?Where?Towhom?LasttimeIchecked,yousaidyouweresingle!”Thebrownskinaroundmymother’seyeswrinkles.
“It’scomplicated.”Well,that’sonewaytoputit.
MaybeIwasn’tpreparedafterallforthiskindofconversationthedayaftermyengagementpartyfromhell.
“Welldon’tleaveuswaitinghere.Idon’tknowhowlongI’llhaveonthisearth,andwiththewayyou’restammering,you’llbehostingafuneralbeforeawedding,”Nanaaddswithaseriousface.She’sprobablythereasonIcouldfakeanengagementinfrontofaroomfullofstrangersforaslongasIdid.
“There’snotmuchtoplansinceI’meloping.”
“Excuseme?!”Mom’sraggedbreathinghasmysmilefalling.
“No,youarenot.You’remyoneandonlybabyandIwillnotletyouhavesomeweddinginabackroomofacourthouse.”
“What’swrongwiththat?That’sthewayIgotmarried.”Nanaactuallysoundsoffended.
“Exactlymypoint,Mother,”Momsays.
“Thelocationwasconvenient.ItookmynewlywedasstoBourbonStreet,andyourfatherandImadeanightofit.”
“I’mwellawareofthedayIwasconceived.Noneedtorehashthatstory.”
I’mnotsurehowthesetwoliveunderthesameroofwithoutmemediatinganymore.“Doyoubothwanttohearmystoryorareyoumoreinterestedinscarringmeforlife?”
“Story,”theybothreply.
Igooff,tellingthemabouthowDeclanandIrealizedourtruefeelingsduringadangerouslyturbulentflighttoTokyo.OfhowIwascryingaboutdyinginaplanecrashandhowDeclankissedmetomakeitstop.ThehardestpartofmyliewassayinghowIkeptourrelationshipasecretforayearbecauseIwasn’tsurehowthingswouldturnout.
It’sfunnyhowthatlieisthemostbelievableofallgivenmytrackrecordwithmen.
“You’retryingtotellmethatyou’reengagedtoDeclanKane?Willingly?”Mymotherwheezes.
“Isitsohardtobelieve?”
Momstopsherpacingtolookoveratme.“No.Notreally,tobehonest.”
Myjawdrops.“What?”
Grandmalaughs.“Oh,comeon.YouskippedChristmaslastyeartospendtimewithhiminTokyo.”
“Iwasworking.”
Nanalaughs.“Right.Weallliketowork,darling.Somemorethanothers.Andpreferablymorethanonceaday.”
Ichokeonmycoffee.“Ithoughtlibidosdecreasewithage.”
“I’vegotmemoriestolastmealifetime.”
Momgroans.“Byallmeans,feelfreetotakethemtoyourgrave.”
Nanahowlswithlaughter.
Momtakesaseatbesidemeandtugsmylefthandintohers.Sheassessesmyringfromallangles.“Areyousureyou’reokaywiththis?”
Inod.“Ofcourse.”
You’regoingtohellforlyingtoyourownmother.
AtleastDeclanandyoucanremaintogetherintheafterlife.
“Thisseemsso…”Momstruggles.
“Outoftheblue?”
“Yes.”
“It’s…special.Ireallydolovehim.”Ittakesallmywillpowertosaythewordswithastraightface.
Shetiltsherhead.Mymotherhasalwaysgottenthetruthoutofme,onewayoranother.Ibitedownonmyliptostopmyselffromsayingsomethingstupid.
Likethetruth?
Oh,shutup.Iforcemyguiltyconsciencetotakeabackseat.
“He’syourboss.”
“Iknow.”
“He’smucholderthanyou.”
“IsthatsupposedtobeabadthingbecauseIonlyseethepositives,”Nanaasks.
Idon’tmissabeat.“Wecan’thelpwhowefallinlovewith.”
Momsighs.“No.Wecan’t.”
Atwingeofguilttightensaroundmyheartlikealasso.Sheistheposterchildoffallinginlovewithsomeonesheshouldn’thave,andIwastheunexpectedresult.
Shegivesmyhandareassuringsqueeze.“Aslongasyou’rehappy,thenI’mhappyforyou.”
InodmyheadbecauseI’mafraidofwhatmightcomeoutofmymouthinstead.Ifmymotherknewthetruthbehindmyengagement,I’mnotsureshewouldbeassupportive.She’saworrier.Ihavenodoubtshewouldbeconcernedaboutmetyingmyselftoamanwhobarelylikesmeandababyhedoesn’twant.Shewouldwantmoreformethantofollowinherfootsteps.
MyanxiousthoughtsareintensifiedasNanaopenshermouthandasks,“So,whendowegettomeethim?”
IopenmyfrontdoortofindCalleaningagainsttheframe.
“You’vebeenavoidingme,”hesays.
“MorelikeI’vebeendealingwiththefalloutofmyactions.”IgiveCalsomeroomtoentermyapartment.Heinstantlymakesthespacefeeltentimessmaller.Whilemyapartmentisn’tmuch,it’sallmineafteryearsofhardworkandpeopledoubtingme.
Henavigatesthroughtheminefieldofpottedplantsbeforedroppingontomywornleathercouch.“Whydidyoudoit?”
Itakeaseatacrossfromhimandtuckmykneesagainstmychest.
“BecauseI’mstupid.”
“Howdidyougofrombreakingupwitheveryboyfriendyouhadbeforethingsgot‘tooreal’toagreeingtomarrymybrother?”
“Whenyouputitthatway,itdoessoundabitoutofcharacter.”
Helaughs.“Whathappenedtoswearingoffmenforever?”
“Well,foreverdoesseemlikealongtimewhenyouthinkaboutit…”
“Saysthewomanwhothoughtanex-boyfriendbuyingherasparetoothbrushwas‘movingtoofast.’”
“Thisisdifferent.”Sure,myrelationshiphistoryisn’ttheprettiest.I’malwaystheonetobowoutbeforethingsgetrealbecausefearmakesmeactfirstandhaveregretslater.Mypatternsaren’tthehealthiest,butthey’vepreventedmefromeverturningintomymother.BecausewhileIloveher,growingupwitnessingherabusivemarriagetomyfatherturnedmeofffromeverputtingmyselfinthatposition.TolovemeanstolosemorethanI’mwillingtopartwith.
Calyanksmeoutofmyhead.“Oh,it’sdifferentallright.You’regettingmarried.Andhavingababy.Asinyouaregoingtomakemeanuncle.”
Mystomachrolls.“Iknowitsoundscrazy—”
“That’sbecauseitiscrazy.”
Ithrowmyhandsup.“Thenwhydidyouencourageit?”
“BecauseIdidn’tthinkyouwouldactuallygothroughwithit!”
Myjawdropsopen,butnowordsmakeitout.
Hesighs.“Mybrotheristhelastkindofmanyoushouldmarry.”
Atightnessinmychestgrows.“Why?”
“Becausehewillhurtyou.It’ssecondnatureforhim,andit’sonlyamatteroftimebeforeyougetcaughtupinthecrosswinds.”
“It’ssweetofyoutoworry,exceptourrelationshipisnothingbutacontractualagreement.Therewon’tbeanopportunityforhimtohurtme.”
That’swhyIagreedtothiswholeideainthefirstplace.IfIwasworriedaboutriskingmyheart,Iwouldhaveneversaidyes.ButwithDeclan’slackofinterestinrelationshipsandmyfearofcommitment,weareaperfectfit.
“Youcouldfallinlovewithhim.”
Ilaughuntiltearsspringtomyeyes.“DeclanandIcouldbethelasttwopeopleonEarthandIwouldstillchoosemyvibratoroverhim.”
Cal’slipcurlswithdisgust.“TMI.”
“It’strue!”
“Thenhowdoyouplanonhavingachildtogether?”
“Withthehelpofsomeoneinawhitecoat.”WhileIhaven’treviewedthecontractDeclandeveloped,I’mfamiliarwithhisexpectationsforinvitrofertilization.
“Havingachildtogethercreatesaconnectionbetweentwopeoplethatcanneverbesevered.”Adarklookpassesoverhisface,andtheacheinmychestintensifies.
Iswallowthelumpinmythroat.“Iknowthat.”
“Ihopeyouknowwhatyou’redoing.”
Idon’t.Notintheslightest.Butinsteadoflettingtheanxietyswallowmewhole,Irollmyshouldersbackandfacemyreality.
“Marriagemightbehard,butI’mwillingtogiveitmyall.”
IcanonlyhopethatIdon’tlookbackatthismomentandregretallmychoices.
5
DECLAN
Ispenttheweekendafterourengagementpartydraftingthepaperwork,ensuringtherewasnowayforIristobackoutofourdeal.
Ithrowthefreshlyprintedcontractagainstmywooddesk.Thepastelpinkcoloredpagesseemoutofplaceagainsttheotherdocumentsstrewnonthesurface.
Irislooksupatme.“What’sthis?”
“Ourmarriagecontract.”
“Whyisitpink?”
OnewouldthinkIaskedforhertosacrificeherpreciousshoecollectionbasedonherfacialexpression.
“SomeoneelseleftitloadedinthecopymachineandIdidn’tknowhowtochangeit.”
Alaughbubblesoutofher.“Idon’tknowwhatyouwoulddowithoutme.”
“Yourinflatedsenseofself-worthisconcerning.”
“Youdon’thavetopretendtodislikemesomuch.”
“YourfirstmistakeisthinkingI’mpretending.”
Sheonlygrinsatthebarb.“Theysaythere’sathinlinebetweenloveandhate.”
“Notthinenough,”Igrumbleundermybreath.
Shelaughssomemoreasshegrabsthepinkcontract.
“Initialatthebottomofeachpageonceyou’redonereadingit.”Ipassherapen.
“ThiscontractisaboutasthickastheBible.”Shestaresatthestackofpageswithacontortedexpression.
IremainsilentasIleanagainstmydeskandcrossmyarms.“Isthataproblem?”
Herbrowsdrawtogetherforthebriefestmomentbeforesherecovers.“No,butI’llneedtospendmylunchbreakreadingoverit.”
“Takewhatevertimeyouneedbutthatcontractisn’tleavingthisoffice.”ThereisnowayIwouldrisksomeonecatchingaglimpseofourarrangement.
Shetracesthefrontpagewithonefinger.“Fine.ButIplanonreviewingeachpagethreetimesjusttomakesureyou’renotuptoanythingsuspicious,sodon’tgetannoyedbecauseI’meatingintoyourpreciousalonetime.”Herresponseflowspastherlipswithoutabreathofhesitation.
Andsheaccusesyouoflying.
“Sparemetheplay-by-playandgetonwithit.Ihaveotherthingstodo.”Itakeaseatinmychair,anditgroansundermyweight.
“Ifyoupackonanymoremuscle,thatthingisgoingtosplitinhalfoneday.”
MymusclesflexundermysuitasIunbuttonthefrontofmyjacket.“I’msureyou’dlikethat.”
“OnlyifIcatchitoncamera.”
Iignoreherandunlockmycomputer.ItonlytakesafewemailrepliesbeforeIrisletsoutanoiseofprotest.
“Isthissomekindofsickjoke?”Hervoicecracks.
“What?”
Hereyeswidentoaconcerningdegree.“Youplanongivingmefullcustodyofourchild?”
“Isthataproblem?”
“Yes!Abigproblem!”
“IsupposenowisthetimeImentionthatthecontractisnon-negotiable.”
Herchinliftsindefiance.“Thenmakeitnegotiable.”
“No.”
“ThenI’llwalk.”
Idon’tlookawayfromthecomputerscreenasIreply,“I’dliketoseeyoutry.”
Sherises,throwsthecontractonmydesk,andgrabsherpurseoffthefloor.“Ifyoucan’tbearesponsiblefather,thenIamnolongerinterestedinhelpingyou.”
“Youcan’tbeserious.”
“Wanttotestthattheory?”
Fuck.Therulesofthegamecontinuetoshiftwithoutmyconsent,allbecauseIrisdoesn’tplayfair.
Sheneverhas.
“You’regoingtowalkawayfromahundredmilliondollarsbecauseofacustodyagreement?”
“Moneyisn’ttheproblem.Yourdecisionis.”Sheturnsonherheelandgivesmeherback.
Mycontrolslipswitheachstepshetakesawayfromme.“I’llgiveyoutwohundredmillion.”
Shekeepswalkingtowardthedoor,completelyignoringme.Theswayofherhipsisasilenttaunttograbher.Todosomethingotherthanletherwalkawayfrommeandouragreement.
“Threehundredmillion.”Herstepfaltersbutshedoesn’tstopuntilherhandgripstheknob.Ipresstheroundbuttonunderneathmydesk,andthedoor’slockingmechanismclicksintoplace.
Shegruntsunderherbreath.“Openthedamndoor.”
“Notuntilyousityourassdownandsignthecontract.”
“No.”Shejanglestheknob,butit’sawastedeffort.Whilethesafe-stylelocksaremeanttokeepintrusivepeopleout,they’reprovingthemselvesquiteconvenientatkeepingmyassistantin
Isitandwaitforhertotireout.WhileIrismighthaveastrongwill,mineisironclad.Andwithsomuchontheline,hergivingupisnotanoption,nomatterhowmuchshemighthatemeforit.
Sherestsherforeheadagainstthedoor.“WhataboutwhatIwant?”
“Youforfeitedyourrightsthemomentyoubecamemyfiancée.”
“Careful,Declan.Yourmisogynyisshowing.”
Thecornerofmyliplifts.“Youhavenoleveragehere.”
“Considerthismybargainingchip.”Sheflipsmeoffwithherringfinger.
“Cute,”Ireplydryly.
“Eitheryoulistentomyconditions,orI’llcallthefirstreporteronmylistandannounceoursplit.”
Myeyesnarrow.“Areyouthreateningme?”
“Me?Never.”Shebatsherlashes.“Ipreferthetermmotivating.”
Herbrandofcrazyhappenstodrawmineout.“You’reapaininmyass.”
“Nope.That’sjustthesameoldstickactingupagain.”
TothinkIpayhermorethananyassistantinthisbuildingforthiskindoftreatment.
Becauseyoubothknowherworth.
Ireleaseadisinterestedsigh.“Goaheadandlistyourconditions.”
Herheelsdragacrossthecarpetbeforeshedropsbackintoherusualchair.Theleatherisdiscoloredfromalltheyearsofherabuse.“Iwantsharedcustody—takeitorleaveit.You’regoingtobeaparentforfiftypercentofthetimewhetheryouthinkyouwanttoornot.”
“Ifthisisyourattemptattryingtouseourchildtogetmoreoutofme,it’snotgoingtowork.”
Hernostrilsflare.“Iknowthisisadifficultconcepttowrapyourheadaroundgiventhelengthspeoplegotomakeyouhappy,buttheworlddoesn’trevolvearoundyou.”
“Nextyou’regoingtotellmethatEarthisn’tflat.”
Hernosetwitches.“Ihatewhenyoutrytobefunny.”
“Why?”
“BecauseIlikeyoubetterwithoutapersonality.”Hereyesarebright,alwaysservingasamirrorstraightintoherheart.
Herstupid,bleedingheart.
“Thisisimportanttome.Likereallyimportant.”Hervoicedropssolow,Ineedtoleanforwardtocatchhernextwords.“Idon’twantanychildtogrowupthinkingtheirparentsdidn’tlovethem.”
Myfistballsupagainstmythigh.Youhadtogoandtieyourselftosomeonewithmoredaddyissuesthanyou
Hergazeshiftsawayfrommeandoffintothedistanceasifamemorytookhold.“Iknowwhatit’sliketonotbewantedbyaparent.Thatkindoffeelingisn’toneIwouldwishonmyworstenemy,letalonemyownchild.”
AsifIcouldeverbeawasteofspacelikehim.I’veheardenoughaboutIris’sfatherfromCaltoknowI’mnothinglikehim,butthewayshelooksupatmethreatensmyperfectlylaidplans.Iwasneversupposedtobecontendingforfatheroftheyear.I’velearnedthroughfirst-handexperiencethatbusinessmendon’tmakegoodfamilymen,nomatterhowmuchtheymightfakeitforpublicityreasons.
What’stheworstthingthatcanhappenifyouagree?Youhireanannytohelpraiseyourchild?
MyneckgrowsdampasIconsidertheconsequencesofgivingintoIris’sdemand.Iknowhowthisworks.Onecontingencyturnsintotwo,andthenextthingIknow,shewillonlyneedtothreatenmewithleavingtogetherway.Iexpecteditfromeveryonebuther,yetI’mnotshockedatherabilitytousemyweaknessagainstme.
Disappointingtosaytheleast.
“Oneweekendeverymonth,”IspeakupbeforeIhavethechancetostopmyself.
Sheclearsherthroat.“That’sagoodstart…”
“It’ssettledthen—”
“Butno.”
“Forfuck’ssake.”
Hereyeswidenatmyoutburst.
Reinitin.
ShecarriesonasifIdidn’tshowarareburstofemotion.“Idon’twanttobestuckwithalltheboringstufflikehomeworkandchores.”
“Thenhireahousekeeperandatutor.Youcanaffordit.”
Sheshakesherhead.“That’snotmypoint.Weshouldswitchoffeveryotherweeksowecanprovideamoreconsistentandstablehome.Thatwaywecanbothbethefunparent.”
“IcanassureyouthatIwillneverbedescribedasthe‘funparent.’”
Sherollshereyes.“Kidsaresimple.Aslongasyoufeedthem,playwiththem,andmemorizealltheirfavoritecartooncharactersbyTVshow,thenyou’reinstantlythecoolestpersonintheroom.”
“Thatsoundslikeabsolutehell.”
“Atleastyou’llfeelrightathome.”
Ireturnmygazetomycomputer.“Fine.Wewillswapthechildeveryotherweek.”
“See,Iknewyoucouldcompromiseifgiventhechance.”
“Blackmailworkswonders.”
Shegrins.“Youwouldknow.It’syourgo-totactic.”
Ifonlyyouknew.WhileIrisisawareofmyabilitytoobtaininformationaboutpeople,sheisn’tawareofthelengthsI’llgotomanipulatesituationsformybenefit.IalwaysgetwhatIwant.Iriscommandingthisnegotiationwillservemebetterinthelongrun,regardlessofhercurrentupperhand.
Sheliftsafinger.“Onemorething.”
Idon’thaveachancetoobjectbeforeshecontinues.“Mymotherwantsatraditionalchurchwedding.”
“No.”
“But—”
Icutheroff.“We’reeloping.”
“No,wecan’t.Atleastnotanymore.”
“Letmeguess,you’llbackoutofourarrangementifIdon’tgoalongwithyourplan.”Predictableyeteffectiveatgettingmetoyield.
“What?No.ButI’dreallyappreciateitifyouworkwithmeonthis.Please.”Thewayherbottomliptremblesmakesmeregretevergoingalongwithhercrazyideatogetengaged.
Ihidemysurprise.“So,thisisarequest.”
“Abigonegivenyourviewonweddings,butIwouldn’taskyouunlessitwasabsolutelynecessary.”
“Youowemeone.”
Hereyesglintassheflauntsherringinmyface.“Consideruseven.”
Anoiseofdisgustgetstrappedinmythroat.“SignthecontractandgetoutofherebeforeIchangemymind.”
Sheslidesthepaperstowardme.“Sure.Onceyoumaketheappropriatechanges,includinguppingtheinitialpaymenttothreehundredmilliondollars,thenI’llgoaheadandsignit.”
Youlittle…“Youthinkyou’reclever.”
Hersmileonlyaddstotheheatsurgingthroughmyveins.“Ineveraskedforanincreasedpaycheck,butsinceyousogenerouslyoffered…”
Dammit.Icovermysmallsmilewiththebackofmyfist.“Wellplayed.”
Shewinks.“Thankyou,sir.YoutaughtmeeverythingIknow.”
AndIregretiteverysingleday.
6
IRIS
IfIexpectedmyworkresponsibilitiestolessenbecauseIneedtoplananentireweddingintwoweeks,Iwaswrong.Prettymucheverythingisbusinessasusualwhichisexactlymyproblem.I’mdrowning.Inwork.Inexpectations.AndinabunchofpointlessquestionslikewhatcolornapkinsIwant,andwhichstylecursiveisthebestforplacecards.
Ican’tevenreadcursive.
“IneedyoutorevisethisreportforYakura.”Declanstopsbymydesk.
“Again?”Igroan.“Thisisthethirdtimeinsixmonths.”
Hedropsastackofpastelorangepapersonmydesk.
“Areyoustillstrugglingwiththeprinter?Icouldshowyouhowitworksifyouhaveasecond.”
Hedoesn’tbotherentertainingmyquestion.“Iexpecttoreceiveyournotesbytheendoftheday.”
“Today?”
“Isthataproblem?”
“Nope.I’lljustfititinbetweenplanningourwedding,pickingoutadress,andgoingtoacaketastingtonight.”Ishoothimatensesmile.
“Perfect.Haveitonmydeskbynine.”Hewalkspastmeandtowardhisprivateofficedoor.
Haveitonmydeskbynine.IslammyfingersagainstthekeyboardasItypeoutmypassword.
Youcandothis,Iris.There’sareasonyou’velastedthislongonthejob.
MyphonelightsupwithamessagefromTaticonfirmingourfirstdancechoreographysessionfortomorrowafternoon.
Freakingfantastic.Isthereanythingelsetheuniversewantstothrowmyway?
“Iris?”
AnirritablebreathescapesmebeforeIhaveachancetocatchit.
“Yes?”
Oureyesconnect.Thenerveendingsatthebackofmynecktingle.Ibreakcontactfirst,endingthestrangefeelingbeforeithasachancetospread.
“Thankyouforeverything.”
Myeyessnapbacktohis.
Thankyouforeverything?!I’veneverheardDeclanexpressanygratitudewithoutanounceofsarcasm.
Istruggletofindtherightwords.Mysilenceonlyaddstothestrangetensionbuildingbetweenus.ThankfullyDeclanendsitbyenteringhisofficeandshuttingthedoor.
IsnapoutofmystuporandtexttheonlypersonwhocouldhelpmeprocesswhateverisgoingoninDeclan’smind.
Me:Yourbrotherjusttoldmethankyou.
Cal:Rowan?Whatfor?
Me:No.DECLAN!
Cal:Whatdidyoudowrong?
Me:Nothing.
Cal:Soheactuallysaid“thankyou”andmeantit?
Me:Yes!!
Cal:Didyouholdhimatgunpoint?
IlaughasItypeoutmyreply.
Me:No.
Cal:Daggertothethroat?
Me:Whiletheletteropeneryouboughtmeistemptingattimes,no.
Cal:Shit.
Cal:Maybeyoucaughthiminagoodmood.
Me:Wasthereaglobaltragedythatgavehimthewarmfuzziesthismorning?
Cal:Accordingtothenews,there’sashrimpshortagethathaspeoplethrowinghandsbut
that’sall.
Declanhatesshellfishsothatcan’tbeit.Infact,there’snothingIcanthinkofthatwouldexplainhisirrationalbehavior.
Nothingbuttheoneideathatseemsridiculousenoughtomakemystomachflip.
Heactuallymeantit.
“Yourfairygodfatherhasarrivedwithreinforcements.”Caldropsatakeoutbagonmydesk.
“OhGod.Yes.”Iripthepaperbagopenandpulloutasub.“Iloveyou.”
“Iknow.”
“Doyoumind?I’mhavingaprivateconversationhere.”Ipointatmylunch.
Callaughsashetakesaseat.“Howaretherevisionsgoing?”
“Terrible.I’mnotsurewhatMr.Yakurawantsfromus.Thisisthehundredthtimehe’ssentbackourDreamlandTokyoproposal—thistimewithonesinglecomment.”
Calleansin.“What?”
“Something’smissing.”
Hisbrowsrise.“Seriously?That’sit?”
“Yes!ButIcan’tfigureoutwhat’slacking.”
“DidyoutalktoRowan?Hecouldlookatyourlatestideas.”
Ishakemyhead.“DeclanandImetwithhimamonthago,butitdidn’tendwell.”
“Declan’sstillpissedathimaboutthewholeDreamlandthing?”
EversinceRowandecidedtoremainthedirectoroftheoriginalFloridathemepark,Declanhasbeenicytowardhim.It’sobviousthatDeclanisoffendedthatRowanturnedhisbackonfamilyexpectationsforawomanheloves.ButwithDeclantryingtodevelophisownDreamlandparkinTokyo,wemightneedtotryagain.
Isigh.“Yeah.IthinkthepressurefromMr.Yakuraisgettingtohim.We’vebeenworkingonthisdealformonthsalreadywithoutanypayoff.”
“Youcouldfindanothersponsorwillingtoselltheirland.ManypeoplewouldkillforacutofDreamland’sprofits.”
Ishakemyhead.“Declaninsistedithastobethisproperty.I’mprettysureYakuracansensehowbadlyDeclanwantsit,sothat’swhyhe’sbeingsodifficultabouteverything.Maybehewantsabiggerpayout.”
“EitherthatorhelikesbeingoneofthefewpeoplewhocanmakeDeclansweat.”
Ilaugh.“Possibly.Doesn’tmaketherejectionanyeasiertohandlethough.”
“Don’ttakeitpersonally.Yourideasaregreat,soit’sonlyamatteroftimebeforehegivesin.”
“Easiersaidthandone.”MyimpostersyndromealwaysrearsitsuglyheadwheneverwereceiveanotherrejectionemailfromYakura.
AsifCalsensesmyshiftinmood,heperksup.“Wantmetohelp?”
“No,wedon’t.”Declan’svoicecutsin.Heleansagainsthisdoorframewithhisarmscrossedandhisjawclenched.
CaltipshischininDeclan’sdirection.“Hello,brother.Howareyouthisafternoon?Makeanyonecryyet?”
“No,butit’sonlynoon.”
Calturnshisattentionbacktome.“Idon’tknowwhyyouagreedtomarryhim.He’sinsufferable.”
Ishrug.“Hispersonalityhasgrownonme.”
“Iswearyou’resufferingfromsomekindofworkplaceStockholmsyndrome.There’snootherexplanation.”
DeclandragsCaloutofthechairacrossfrommydesk.“Getlost.
Someofusactuallyhaveworktodoaroundhere.”
“BeingtheKanefamilydisappointmentisafull-timejob,thankyouverymuch.Benefitsareshitthough.”
MylaughmakesCalsmile.
“Iswearyouwereonlyputonthisearthtomakemylifemiserable.”Declanjabstheelevatorbutton.
Calfakesniffles.“Ifinallyfoundmylife’spurposeallthankstoyou.”
DeclanallbutshovesCalintotheelevatoroncethedoorsopen.
“Bye,Iris!Seeyouatthecaketastingtonight.”CalwavesatmewhileflippingDeclanoff.Declandoesn’tmoveawayfromtheelevatorbankuntilthedoorsslideshut.
Heturnsonhisheelsandglaresatme.“Whatishetalkingabout?”
Iturnmyattentiontomycomputerscreentoescapehisdarkeninggaze.“IaskedCaltogowithmetotasteweddingcakes.”
“Youdidn’tthinktoaskme?”
Mybrowsraise.“Umm…no.Youdidn’tseeminterestedwhenImentioneditearlier.”
“Ididn’tthinkyouwouldinvitemybrother.”
OhmyGod.Ishejealous?
No.That’snotright.Itcan’tberight.Infact,itfeelsaswrongasthehintofexcitementIgetattheideaofDeclanreactingthatwayabouthisbrother.
Whatisgoingonwithyou?
Iclearmythroat.“HeinvitedhimselfwhenItoldhimIwasgoingaloneafterwork.”
Declan’schestheavesasheletsoutaheavybreath.“TellCalhe’snotneededanymore.”
Ishakemyheadindenial.“No.”
“Whattimeisthecaketasting?”Heignoresmeashepullsouthisphone.
“Why?”
“I’mgoing.SendHarrisontheaddress.”Hedoesn’tleaveanyroomfordisagreementashewalksbacktowardhisoffice.Hisdoorclicksshut,leavingmegrapplingwithquestionsI’llnevergetanyanswersto.
“Iris.”Somethingnudgesmyshoulder.
“Goaway.I’msleeping.”Ithrowmyhandouttoshovethenoiseaway.
“Weneedtogetgoing.”
“Ugh.Nowyou’rebotheringmeinmydreamstoo?WillIevercatchabreak?”
Adeepchuckleinmyearhasmeboltingupright.MyfoggyvisionclearstofindDeclanstandingbesidemydesk,wearingthesmallestsmileknowntoman.
“We’relate.”Hereachesoutandpullsastickynoteoffmyforehead.
“Late?Whatfor?”Irasp.
“Thecaketasting.”
“Ohno!”Istandonwobblylegs.“Whattimeisit?”Iopenmybottomdrawerandpulloutmypurse.I’mquicktoshovemyheelsondespitemyswollentoesprotesting.
“Ten.”
“Ten?!Weweresupposedtobethereatnine!”
Heshrugs.“Icalledandtoldthemwewouldbelate.”
Ifreeze.“Youcalled?”
“Ittookmetwoseconds.”
“Whynotjustwakemeup?”
Silence.
“HowlonghaveIbeenasleep?”
“Twohours.”
“Twohours!”
Ohno.Therevisions.“Declan,I’msosor—”
Heholdsuphishand.“Justsendthemtomorrowmorning.”
Mymouthfallsopen.“Ididn’tmeantofallasleep—”
“Dropit.”
“But—”
“Youwantmetogetangry?”Hisvoicesoundsfarmoreagitatednow.
“Honestly?Yes.”
“I’mnotatotalasshole.Iknowyouhavealotgoingon,”hesnaps.
“Stopit.”
“What?”
“Stopbeingso…understanding.It’sweirdingmeout.”AnirritatedDeclanIcanworkwith.AniceDeclanwhodoesn’tmindmefallingasleeponthejobandmissingdeadlines?Thatkindofunpredictabilitygivesmecripplinganxiety.
Hisjawticks.“Let’sgo.Idon’thavetimeforyourshit.”
Nowthatreplymakesmesmile.“Ahh.There’sthebig,grumpymanIknowandlike.”
“Onedaythatmouthisgoingtogetyouintrouble.”Hisvoicelowers.
I’mnotsurewhat’smoredangerous—hisunspokenpromiseorthewaysomethingflutterstolifeinmystomachfromtheonesentence.
“I’minheaven.”Isighbeforetakinginanotherdeepinhale.Thedifferentaromassurroundingushavemymouthwateringinanticipation.
AbellchimesasDeclanentersthedimlylitbakerybehindme.
Abackdoorswingsopen,baskingusinbrightlightasablondewomanaboutmyagecomesout.“Welcome!I’msohappyyou
actuallymadeit!”
“I’msorrywe’relate.”Iwince.
“Oh,please!It’snoproblematall.Whydon’tyouhaveaseatoverthereandI’llgetyousomesamples?”Shegesturestowardasmallcandlelittablefortwobeforedisappearingbackintothekitchen.
“Isn’tthiscozy?”Itrytobreaktheawkwardsilence,onlytobecutoffbyromanticmusicplayingsoftlythroughhiddenspeakers.
Declanpullsoutoneofthechairsforme.Theexchangebetweenusisfluid,practicedhundredsoftimes.SomethingIrealizeIhavegrosslyoverlookedovertheyears.
“Thankyou.”
Thewoodenchairgroansunderthepressureofhisgrip.“For?”
“Alwaysdoingthat.Youknow—withmychair.”Istumbleoverthewords.
Hedoesn’tsayanythingashetakestheseatacrossfromme.
…AndnowIrememberwhyIstoppedsayingthankyouinthefirstplacewhenhedoessomethingnice.
“Herewego!”Thebakerbringsoutaplattercoveredinminicakes.“I’llleaveyoubothtotryeverythingoutinprivate.Ifyouneedanything,feelfreetogivemeashout.”Shescurriesawayagain.
MymouthwatersasIscanthetray.“Doyouhaveapreferenceforwhatkindofcakeyouwanttotryfirst?”
“Whateveryoulikeisfine.”Hepullsouthisphoneandstartsscrollingthroughemails.
“Seriously?Doyouevertakethenightoff?”
“No.”
“Thenwhybothercominginthefirstplace?”
Moresilence.I’mstartingtohatehowheclosesupwheneverIaskanythingthatrequiresmorethanabasicone-sentenceanswer.
Insteadofpullingback,Ipushharder.“YouknowwhatIthink?”
“I’msureyouplanontellingmeregardlessofwhatIsay.”
Ikickthelegofhischair.Whileitdoesn’tmoveacentimeter,itdoesdrawhisattentionbacktomyface.“Ithinkyoudidn’twantCaltocomewithmetonightbecauseyouarejealous.”
Hescoffs.“There’snoreasonformetobejealousofmybrother.”
“Really?Noreasonatall?”IraiseabrowinasilenttauntasIdanglemymissedcallnotificationinhisface.
“Nope.”Hegrabsaminicakeoffthetrayandstabsitwithaspoon.
“Great.ThenletmeFaceTimeCalandhavehimweighinonthisdebate.Ifyouwantedtobefriendswithus,allyouneededtodowasask—”
Hestealsmyphonestraightfrommyhand.“IalreadytoldyouIdon’twanttobeyourfriend.”Hisrighteyetwitches,givinghisnervesaway.
“OhmyGod.Youtotallydo!”
“Stoptalking.”
ButIcan’t.Notwiththispreciousgemofinformationatmydisposal.“Calmightbeopposedtowelcomingyouintoourduo,butI’msurehewouldbewillingif—”
Myeyesbulgeasheshovesaspoonfullofcakeintomyopenmouth.“Ifinallyfoundtheperfectwaytoshutyouup.”
IglareathimasItastethemostdeliciousdessertI’veeverhad.
Hisgazeremainsgluedtomylipsashedragsthecleanspoonpastthem.“AllIneedtodoiskeepyourmouthpermanentlyoccupied.”
Igraciouslyproceedtochoke.
7
DECLAN
ImighthavejumpedthegunwhenIannouncedIrisandIwouldbegettingmarriedintwoweeksratherthanamonth.Inretrospect,Iwantedtomakesureshedidn’tfindthefirstopportunitytobackoutofourengagement.Butnow,Ihavetofacetheconsequencesofmyactions.
“Iexpectyoutobemovedintomyhomebytheendoftheweekend.”IwalkpastIris’sdeskandtowardthedoorofmyprivateoffice.
Shelooksupfromhercomputerscreen.“What?”
“Youcanchargethemovingcompanytomycard.”
“Youwantmetomoveinthisweekend?”
“Yes.”
“ButtomorrowisSaturday.”
ItakeadeepbreathasIleanagainstthedoorframe.“Yourpointbeing?”
Sherunsherhandsdownherfaceandgroans.“There’snomovingcompanythatisgoingtobeavailableatthelastminutelikethat.”
“Theywillbeforaprice.”
“ButI’dhavetobreakmyleaseearly.”
“I’llcoverthecost.”
“OrIcanstillkeeptheplacejustincase—”
Icutheroff.“Howdoyouthinkitwouldlooktothepubliciftheyfoundoutyoukeptyourplace‘justincase’?”
Herbottomlipwobbles.“ButIlovemyapartment.”
“I’msurethere’sacertaincharmaboutlivingnexttoactivecrimescenes,butyou’llgetoverit.”
“IliveinHydePark,notawarzone.”
“LivedinHydePark.Asinyouarenolongeraresidentasoftomorrow.”
Hereyesnarrow.“Sothat’sit?YousnapyourfingersandI’msupposedtodowhatyousaylikesomeobedientwife,noquestionsasked?”
“You’vebeenpracticingforyearsalready,sothereshouldn’tbeasteeplearningcurve.”
Mycommentearnsmeastressballlaunchedatmyheadandonewheezylaughthatcanbeheardallthewaythroughmyclosedofficedoor.
Thinkaboutyourfuture.MyrighteyetwitchesasIrishaulsanotherpottedplantintomyhouse.Atthisrate,myhomeisgoingtobeturnedintoaplantnursery.Spilledsoilmarksthehardwoodfloorstoserveasareminderofhowmyperfectlyorganizedlifeisbeingturnedonitshead.
Iwalkaroundthreeotherplantsthesizeofsmalltreesbeforereachingmyfrontdoor.Irisspeakstooneoftheplantsinahushedvoice,strokingoneofitsleaveswhileapologizingforuprootingitslife.She’sinsane.There’snootherwaytodescribesomeonewhocoosatplantslikethey’rechildren.
Atleastshe’llmakeadecentmother.
Imutemyphonesotheheadofourauditingdepartmentdoesn’thearme.“Isthatall?You’relettingalltheheatoutofthehouse.”Ipointattheopenfrontdoor.Oncue,agustofwindbattersagainstme.
Irisrubsherhandstogetherbeforeblowingonthem.“Youknow,allofthiswouldgoalotfasterifyouhelpedme.”
“Idon’tdomanuallabor.”
“ThenthankGodwe’renothavingachildtheold-fashionedwayorelseI’dbestuckdoingallthework.”
Anyrebuttalgetstrappedinmythroat,whichonlymakesherlaugh.
“Youthinkyou’refunny?”
“I’dratherbethatthanalazylay.”Sherunsoutthedoor,obviouslypleasedwithherselfforstunningmeintosilence.
Ialmostforgetaboutthepersonontheotherlineuntiltheystartspeaking.Iris’schaoticpresenceisalreadywreakinghavoconmylife,andIwonderhowI’mgoingtosurvivethreeyearsofherlivinghere.Mywholespaceistaintedwithhershit,fromthecolorfulblanketsstrewnacrossmypristinecouchtoafewframedphotosoftwowomenI’veyettomeet.
Itrymyhardesttofocusontheconversation,butI’monlyhalfpayingattentiontowhateverissaid.MyabilitytoconcentratehasbeenseverelyimpairedeversinceIris’smovingtruckshowedupinmydriveway.
Twentyminuteslater,Irisdropsontothefloorinaheap.“Alldone!”Hertwobraidsfanoutaroundher,coveredinsnowflakes.Afewspiralcurlsescapedthetightplaitduringthemovingprocessandsticktoherface.Herbaby-pinkwinterjacketlooksoutofplace
—acompletecontrasttomyblacksuit,shoes,andsoul.
Iscantheperimeter,notingfewerthantenboxes.“Youhavemoreplantsthanthings.”
Shelaughsuptotheceiling.“I’macrazyplantlady.WhatelsecanIsay?”
“Nothingispreferable.”
Herbodyshakesfromsilentlaughterasshestands.“Howdoesitfeeltohavesomeoneinyourspace?”
“Loud.”
“Imaginehowyou’llfeelonceyouhaveachildrunningaroundhereandscreaming.”
“I’llinvestinabarkcollar.”
Sheblinks.“Pleasetellmeyou’rejoking.”
Ipinchthebridgeofmynose.“Fuck.OfcourseI’mnotbeingserious.”
Sheletsoutawhooshofair.
“Althoughasound-proofedbedroomdoesn’tsoundlikeabadidea.”
Herbrowsjump.“Forthemoryou?”
“Them.Minewasremodeledyearsago.”
Sheinstantlybecomesinterestedinlookingatanythingbutmyface.WhatI’dpaytohearasecondofherthoughts.
Millions.Maybeevenbillions
“So…”Sherocksbackonherbootsassheassessesherbelongings.“Howexactlydowegoaboutthissituation?”
Right.Sticktotheplan.
IgruntasIgrabaheavyboxoffthetopofonepile.“Whatareyoucarryinginhere?”
Shepeeksatthehandwritingonthesideofthebox.“Myhighheels.”
“They’lllookgreatinsideofthefireplace.”
Shejumpsupandtriestoswipeherpreciouscargooutofmyhands.“Youwouldn’tdare.”
Destroyinghershoecollectionwouldbeworthheranger.
They’vebeenonmyshitlisteversinceIrisfoundaloopholeinheremploymentcontractregardingworkwear.Insteadoffollowingtheofficedresscodeofneutralsonly,shetestsmypatiencewithneck-breakingheelsandaccessoriesthecoloroftherainbow.
Atleastshelivesuptohername.
“Youshouldknowbetterthantounderestimatemeafterallthistime.”
Sheputsahandonherhip.“DeclanLancelotKane.Iswearifonesingleshoegoesmissing,Iwill—”
“Don’tcallmethat,”Isnap.
Shegrins.“WouldyoupreferformetousethemoreformalSirLancelot?”
“WhatIpreferisyoursilence.”
Sherollshereyes.“You’renofun.”
“Thisisn’tsupposedtobefun.”Yetitcertainlydoesn’tfeellikework.
Exactlywhyallthisisabadidea.
It’seasytofallintoacomfortablerhythmwithIris.Almosttooeasy.
“Iswear,you’regoingtodieofaheartattackonedayfromallthispent-upangst.It’snotgoodforyourbloodpressure.”
IignoreherasIwalktowardthestaircase.“I’llshowyoutoourroom.”
“Ourroom?”Shetripsoverherboots.
“Ican’thavethehousekeeperspeakingoutagainstthelegitimacyofouragreement.”
“Right.Ofcourse.”Shenodswithadoe-eyedexpressionsounlikeherusualquickrebuttals.
She’snervous.Igivehermyback,concealingmysmallsmileasIleadIrisupthegrandstaircasetowardmybedroom.Shehelpsmewiththedoor,anditopenstorevealmyfavoritespaceinthewholehouse.Thelightbluewallsandwhitefurniturestandoutagainstthedarkwoodfloors.
“Wow.It’salotbrighterthanIexpected.”
“Contrarytopopularbelief,coffinsdon’tmakeforcomfortablesleepingarrangements.”
Herhowlofalaughmakesmylipstwitchinresponse.
Idroptheboxneartheentrancetoheremptycloset.“You’llkeepyourclothesinhere.”
“ButI’mnot—we’renot—youdon’texpectmeto—”Hereyesdartaroundthespace,notquitelandingonanything.
Myabilitytobetheonlypersonwhocanthrowheroff-kilterfillsmewithaburningsenseofsatisfaction.
“Sleepinthesamebedasme?”Ifinishforher.
Herthroatbobsasshenods.“Right.That.”
“No.”
Shegnawsonherbottomlip.“ThankGod.Thatwouldhavebeenawkward.”
“Right.”Thebackofmyneckprickles.“Inthehouse,wecanacthowwewant.Butinpublic,Iexpectyoutoappearaffectionate
towardme.”
“Areyousureyoucanstandmytouchforextendedperiodsoftime?”
“It’llpushmetomylimits,butI’llmakedo.”Istepintoherwalk-inclosetandopenthedoorontheotherend.
Shehalts.“Youbuiltahiddendoortoanotherroom?Inacloset?!”
“Yes.”
“Butwhy?”
“BecauseIwaspreparingforsomethinglikethis.”Thewordsslippastmylipseasily.
“Wait.”Sheholdsupherhand.“Peopleprepareforfakemarriages?”
“It’stobeexpectedonceyoureachacertaintaxbracket.”
Hernosecrinkles.“That’sgross.”
“No.It’slife.”
Shestaresatmewithpartedlips.Iturnaroundandenterthesecondbedroom.Thecolorscomplementmymastersuite,butinsteadofblues,thewallsarecoveredinapaleyellow.
“Thisisbeautiful.”Oneofherhandstracesthelacybedspread.
Theroomislarge,withitsownsittingarea,bathroom,andwindowsoverlookingtheexpansivebackyard.
“Youcandecorateithoweveryouwant.Ionlyaskthatyoukeepontopofcleaningsincethehousekeeperisn’tpermittedtoenter.”
Shelooksupatme.“You’vereallythoughtofeverything,haven’tyou?”
“Everythingexceptforyou.”
“LookslikeIrisismakingherselfathome.I’msureyoulovethat.”
Calassessesoneoftheplantssheaddedtothecornerofourlivingroom.Myhomehasslowlyturnedintoanursery,withnewplantsarrivingeverydaytofillemptycornersandblankwalls.
IignorehimasItakeasipofmydrink.“HowistheprogressonyourpartofGrandfather’swill?”
Heshrugs.“What’stherush?It’snotlikeyou’rebecomingCEO
tomorrow.”
“No,butifIhavemyway,Iwillbebytheendoftheyear.”
Hisbrowsrise.“DoesIrisknowaboutthisacceleratedtimeline?”
“Sheknewthedealwhenshesignedthecontract.”
Hisbrowsjump.“Doesn’tmeanshe’sreadytohaveachildrightnow.”
“Goodthingshewillhaveanadditionalninemonthstowarmuptotheideathen.”
Anoisegetstrappedinthebackofhisthroat.“Andherewethoughtmarryingherwouldhumanizeyouabit.”
“Whywouldyouthinkthat?”
“Becauseyourespecther.”
“Ido.”Herabilitytoworkbymysideasaresourceratherthanahindrancealreadyputsherleapsandboundsaheadofanyoneelse.
SheisquickonherfeetandwillingtogoaboveandbeyondtoensureI’msuccessful,evenifitmeansmarryingmeandhavingmychild.Icouldn’tpayforthatkindofloyalty.Itried,butafterscaringoffmultiplefiancées,I’mwellawareofhowmuchIneedIris.Ifshethinkswewillbecomethebestoffriendsbecauseofit,thensobeit.
“Andweknowyouareattractedtoher.”
Thatisnew.“Whoisthisweyoukeepspeakingof?”
“RowanandI.”
“Don’tyouhaveanythingbettertodothangossipaboutmebehindmyback?Like,ohIdon’tknow,gofindAlanaanddowhateverGrandpaaskedyoutodo?”Calavoidinghisex-girlfriendwillonlylastsolong,especiallywhenGrandpaputatimelimitonhisinheritanceclause.Heneedstoreachouttoherbytheendoftheyearifheplansoneverobtaininghispartofthecompanyshares.
Afterallthegriefhehasgivenmeaboutmypart,theleastIcandoisremindhimofhislackofinitiative.
Hisjawticks.“It’snotgoingtowork.”
“What?”
“Youtryingtogetariseoutofmebecauseyou’refeelingdefensiveaboutIris.”
“WhywouldIfeeltheneedtobedefensive?”
“Youtellmesinceyouweretheonewhosaidyoudidn’tcarewhoyoumarried,solongastheywere…Howdidyouphraseitagain?”Hetapshischin.“Ohright.‘Practical,fertile,andhasafaceconsideredproportionateenoughtobedeemedattractive.’”
Myfingersgrippingtheglasstighten.“IknowwhatIsaid.”
“Didn’tseemtoagewell,didit?”
Myjawclenches.“What’syourpointinbringingallthisup?”
“Imentionitasawarning.”
Idon’tspeak,insteadchoosingtotakealongsipofmydrink.
“Youmightbemybrother,butIrisismybestfriend.AndwhileIwantyoutosucceedandbecomeCEO,Iwon’tletyoudestroyherinyourpursuitofwhateveryouthinkmightmakeyouhappy.”
Iofferhimaboredglance.“IfIrisisconcerned,shecanspeaktomeherself.Shedoesn’tneedtosendherguarddogafterme.”
“She’snotconcerned,butIam.”
“Ifthisiswhatfriendshipentails,IseewhyI’mbetteroffwithoutit.”
Hislipspressintoathinline.“Don’tbreakherheart.”
Asoftchucklespillsoutofme.“Thatshouldbetheleastofyourworries.”
“OfcourseIworry.You’reacold-heartedbastardwhodoesn’tknowthefirstthingabouttakingcareofsomeoneelse.”
“Ihelpedraiseyouandyouturnedoutdecentenough.”
Hisjawlocks.“We’reyourblood.You’reforcedtolikeus,whetheryouwanttoornot.”
“Blooddoesn’tmeanshittome.Youofallpeopleshouldknowthat.”
TakingcareofmybrothershadnothingtodowithoursharedDNA.IpromisedmymombeforeshediedthatIwouldbethereforthem,andIupheldmyendofourdealregardlessofthepersonalconsequences.
Helooksawaywithasigh.“Justtakecareofher.”
MyheartpoundsharderagainstmychestasIreassessthisentireconversation.Achillmakesitswaydownmyspine.“Areyouinlovewithher?”ThequestioncomesoutfarmoreagitatedthanI’dlike.
Hiseyesbrightenashelaughs.“No.”
“Forsomereason,I’mfindingthathardtobelieve.”Basedonthewayhespeaksofher,Iwouldbestupidtothinktheyweresolelyplatonic
“Wekissedonce.”
Bloodrushestomyears,andIcanfeelthetipsturningred.“Youwhat?”ThelethalityinmyvoicedrawsCal’seyesbacktomine.
“Itwasamistake.”
“Itsureasfuckbetterbe.”TheglasstumblerbeneathmyhandshakesfromhowhardIgripthecylinder.
Hislipscurveatthecorners.“Iknewyouwerejealous.”
“AsifIcouldeverbejealousofsomeonelikeyou.”
Hewinks.“Thewayyoulooklikeyouwanttomurdermesaysotherwise.”
“Tortureismypreferredmethodofrevenge,justsoyou’reaware.”
Hebreaksoutintoafull-blownsmile.“Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,thekisswasterrible.”
Howthefuckisthatsupposedtomakemefeelbetter?Ican’tgettheimageofthemkissingoutofmygoddamnbrain,nomatterhowmuchItrytowipemymindofthelastfiveminutesofthisconversation.
Whydoesitbotheryouinthefirstplace?
Becauseshetoldmetheyarejustfriends.
Right.Youkeeptellingyourselfthat.
“You’rereallysellingmeontheideaofmarryingher,”Ireplywithadryvoicedespitetheangerburningwithinme.
Hischestshakesfromquietlaughter.“Ithadnothingtodowithher.Iwasdrunk,andshewaslonely.Theresultwasawkwardtosaytheleast.”
“Shewaslonely?”
“Ofcoursesheis.Herbeingfriendswithmeshouldhavebeenyourfirstclue.”
“Iwasn’tawareshefeltthatway.”
“What?Doyouexpecthertotalktoyouaboutit?Unliketherestofthehumanpopulation,youlikebeingbyyourself.”
Ibitedownonmytonguetopreventmyselffromsayingtoomuch.Growingaccustomedtosomethingdoesn’tmeanIlikeit.Ijustlearnedtopreferitoverthealternativeoption,whichincludeslettingpeoplegettooclose.What’sthepointwhentheyalwaysleaveanyway?
Itakeasipofmydrinktowashawaythebittertasteofweaknessfrommymouth.“KissheragainandI’llenjoyrippingyourtonguefromyourthroat.”
Heholdsuphishands.“TheonlyreasonItoldyouaboutourkississothatyoucanstopthinkingIwanttomakeamoveonher.
I’mnotinterestedinherlikethat.Trustme.”
“Becausethekisswasterrible,”Irepeatbackinavoiceerasedofanyemotion.
“Becauseshewasnevermeanttobemineinthefirstplace.”
Damnrightshewasn’t.Fakemarriageornot,Irisisdestinedtobewithonemanandonemanonly.
Me
8
IRIS
“Oh,fuckoff.Ican’tbelieveIwokeupearlyforthisshit!”
Iboltuprightinmybed.IttakesmeafewsecondsbeforemydisorientedbraincatchesuptothefactthatI’msleepinginDeclan’shouse.
Myhouse.
Irunahandacrossthecrumpledsheets,tryingtosmoothouttheevidenceofmetossingandturningallnight.Sleepinginanewplaceisalwaysweird,butsleepinginthesamehouseasmyboss?Istillhaven’tfullyprocessedtheidea.MaybebecauseI’mstilltryingtocometogripswiththewaymywholelifeisbeingturnedupsidedown.
“Anotherraindelay?!Sincewhenarethestewardsafraidofalittlesummershower?”Declan’sboomingvoicehasmejumpingoutofbed.
Icheckthetimeonmyphoneandgroan.“Sixa.m.?”Itshouldbeacapitaloffensetowakeanyoneupthisearlyontheironedayoff.
Declanisallaboutrules,somaybeit’stimeIenforceafewofmyown,startingwithquiethoursbetween11and7.I’mquicktotakeoffmybonnet,fixmyhair,andswitchmyPJshortsforleggingsbeforerushingoutmydoor.
Declan’shouseisamazeoflonghallwaysandemptyroomswithoutapurpose.TheonlyreasonI’mabletofindhimquicklyisbecauseIfollowthesoundofhisvoiceintoamancave.
Amassivetelevisiontakesupthemajorityofonewall,setuptooffertheperfectviewfromadeepcouchIwanttodiveinto.DeclanpacesthespacebetweentheTVplayingsomekindofsportingeventandacoffeetablecoveredinsnacks.
“Isthatamimosa?”Thehorrorinmyvoicecan’tbetamed.
AllIcandoisgapeathim.Ican’tseemtofindanyotherwordstodescribethesceneinfrontofmebesidesotherworldly.Mimosas.
Donuts.Anunlitcigarnexttoahalf-emptybottleofchampagne.
Whatthehellisgoingon?
Declanhaltshissteps,andhiseyessnaptomine.IbitedownonmytonguetomakesureI’mnotdreaming.Thepainisinstant,makingthismomentincrediblyreal.
Whoeverthismanis,hemustbeafigmentofmyimagination.
There’snootherexplanationforthebackwardballcap,athleticpants,andT-shirtspeckledinpowderedsugar.
I’veneverseenDeclaninanythingbutasuit.Ever.Whetherwehaveatwenty-hourflightoralatenightattheoffice,hewouldn’tbecaughtdeadinanythingbutTomFord.I’mtemptedtocovermyeyesbecausethemanispracticallynakedwiththeamountofforearmhe’sshowingoff.
“Whatareyouwearing?”Hisgazehardensashiseyesscanmybody,makingmefeelinappropriateinasweaterandleggings.
Me?Whatabouthim?
“You’reonetotalk.Thedonutsaresupposedtogoinyourmouth,notonyourshirt.”
Thesideofhislipsliftsashebrushesthecrumbsoffhischest.Ican’thelpbutfocusonhowhisridgesofmuscleshiftfromthemovement.Hisarmsflex,drawingmyattentiontotheveinslininghisforearms—
Enough!Whathasgottenintoyou?
“Youmissedaspot.”Ipointtomymouth,showinghimwheresomepowderlingers.
Goodjob.Useyourembarrassmenttofuelhis.
ExceptDeclandoesn’tgetruffled.Hemerelywalksuptome,leavingonlyafewinchesbetweenourfaces.“Beagoodfiancéeandhelpmeout.”
Mylipspresstogether.Icouldwalkawayandtellhimtogofindamirror,butthatwouldshowhimI’mruffledinthefirstplacebyhispresence.
Whichwouldmakethingsweird.
Asiftheyaren’talready.
Iliftmyhanduptohisfaceandusemythumbtocleanthecornerofhismouth.Hiseyestrackmyeverymove.Threesecondsfeelslikethreeminuteswiththewayhestaresatme.Despitemybestefforttoavoidhislips,mythumbbrushesacrosshisplumpbottomone.Hesharplyinhales,andoureyesconnect.
Hiseyesnarrow.
He’spissed.
Thenheshouldn’thaveaskedforyourhelp!
Heprobablydidn’texpectyoutogropehimeither.
Gropehim?
Oh.IreleaseDeclan’sarmfrommysteelgriplikeheburnedme.
Youneededtousehimforbalancewhileyoustoodonthetipsofyourtoes.That’sall.
“Allgood!”Myvoicecomesoutlikeasqueak.
WhateverexpressionDeclanhadamomentagodisappears,replacedbyhispressedlipsandemptygaze.
Idistractmyselfbycleaningupthemessonthecoffeetable.
“Whywouldyoueverwillinglywakeupthisearlyonaweekend?”
“It’sSunday.”
“Idon’tcareifyou’reJesushimself,nooneshouldbeyellingat6
a.m.”
SomethingontheTVscreencaptureshisattention.Hemakesadisgustednoiseashethrowshishandsintheair.“Fuckyou,Cruz.
Noonecaresaboutyourshittystartposition.”
IstruggletoreconcilethisversionofDeclanwithhisusualcold,withdrawnself.“It’slikeIdon’tevenrecognizeyourightnow.”
“Ican’ttellifthat’sagoodorbadthing.”
Ilaugh.“It’saweirdthing.”
There’satinycrackinDeclan’sicyfa?adeasheunleashesthesmallestsmile.BythetimeIblink,it’sgone.
It’sasifputtingonnormalclothesandeatingjunkfoodremindedhimthatthere’sanactualhumanbeinginsidethatneedstobeletouteverynowandthen.
“Whatareyouwatching?”Itakeaseatonthecouchandgrabadonut.
“Formula1.”
“Don’ttheyhavearaceinIndianaorsomething?”
Hisheavysighofdisappointmentcanbeheardamileaway.
“You’reright.Thismarriagewillneverwork.”
“Shutup.”
“Mimosa?”heoffers.
Idoanotherslowblinkbeforenoddingmyhead.“Whoknewawhiskeysnoblikeyourselfenjoyssomethingsofrilly?”
“Mymomlikeddrinkingthemonracedays.”Hesaysitsocasuallylikehedidn’tjusttalkabouthismomforthefirsttimeever.
Hedrinksmimosasbecausetheyremindhimofhismom.InalltheyearsI’veknownDeclan,hehasneverwillinglyspokenabouthismother.Thefactthathelosthisatsuchayoungageisdevastating.Icouldn’timaginenothavingmymomaround,scoldingmeorjokingaroundwithmeaboutlife.Myeyesbetrayme,andIrepeatedlyblinkuntilthewetnessdisappears.
Iswallowbackthelumpinmythroat.“Wasshethereasonyougotintoracing?”
“No.Grandpais—orratherwas—toblameforthatone.”HiseyesdartawayfrommeandbacktowardtheTV.
“Letmeguess,heropedyourmotherinwithalcohol.”
“Welcometothedarkside—wehaveliquor.”Hepassesmeafullglass.
Mychestshakesfromlaughter.“SowhatexactlyishappeningthathasyouragingattheTVlikeatoddler.”
“I’mguessingyou’veneverseenaracebefore.”
“No,butthatguymakesmewantto.”Whoeverisbeinginterviewedhasmyattention.Somethingabouthisbrowneyesand
redracesuithasmedefinitelyinterestedinlearningallaboutFormula1.
“He’smarried.”
“Youthinkhemightbeinterestedinpolygamy?I’vealwaysbeengoodatsharing.”
“I’llbetakingthisback.”Declantriestoswipemymimosafrommyhand,butIholdittightlytomychest.
“No!”
“StoplustingafterAlatorre.It’sdisgusting.”
“Mm-hmm.”IpulloutmyphoneandsearchAlatorreFormula1
Theresultsarepromising.
Verypromising.
“You’regooglinghim,aren’tyou?”
Idon’tneedtolookuptoknowDeclan’samused.I’mcertainifIcatchhimintheact,hissmilewilldisappearbeforeIhaveachancetotrulyacknowledgeit.
SantiagoAlatorre’ssocialmediaaccountsarejustasenticingashisGooglesearch.“Youknowwhat?IthinkIhaveasuddeninteresttolearneverythingthereistoknowaboutFormula1.”
Declanrollshiseyesinthemostun-Declan-likefashion.“Ofcourseyoudo.”
IunderstoodabsolutelynothingabouttheraceexcepttherushofadrenalinethathitsmeasSantiagoAlatorrecrossesthefinishlinefirst,muchtoDeclan’sdisappointment.
“You’rejustmadmyguywon.”
“Yourguyalwayswins.It’sboringasshitwatchinghimbesodamnperfectallthetime.”
“Aw.Betterlucknexttime.Maybeyourguywillwinifhecanactuallystayonthetrackpastlapone.”Ipathishandwithmocksympathy.
“Hebetter,ifonlytowipethatstupidsmileoffyourfaceeverytimetheymentionSanti’sname.”
“My,my,DeclanKane.Areyoujealousofmylittlecrush?”
“Little?Youdrooledallovermypillowfortwohoursstraightwhilecyberstalkinghim.”
Idropsaidpillowandassessitforanyevidence.“Liar.”
“Youdisgustme.”
Igrin.“Sametimenextweek?”
“No.”
Mysmiledrops.“Oh.”Waytoinsertyourselfintohisplans.
Ijustthought—
What?Thathemightbeinterestedindoingsomethingtogetheronhisonlydayoff?
Maybe…
SillyIris.That’snothowthisrelationshipisgoingtowork.
Heclearshisthroat.“There’snoracenextweekend,butsinceyouweren’ttheworstcompanyever,youcanjoinmefortheoneafter.”
AsparkofsomethingcomestolifeinmychestthatshouldwarnmeawayfromspendingmoretimewithDeclan.Ishouldtakeitasasigntokeepmypersonallifeandbusinesslifeseparate,butIdon’t.
Inodmyheadandconfirmournewtradition.
“I’mdisappointedinyou.”Caldropsintothelivingroomcouch.
“WhatdidIdonow?”Ilookupathimfrommyspotnexttothecoffeetable.OnceDeclanclearedthespaceofhiscontrabandsnacks,Idecidedtomakemyselfcomfortableandgettowork.Betweenplanningaweddingandworkingovertime,Ican’tfindenoughhoursinmydaytogeteverythingdone.
AtleastnotwithourweddingcomingupnextSaturday.
Calscansthestacksofpapersspreadoutacrossthetablebeforescowling.“Sothisisit?We’rebacktothesamepositionyouwereinbeforeyouappliedforatransfer?”
MyheartstopsinmychestasIboltfromthearearugandassesstheperimeter.ThehallwaysareemptyandIdon’thearDeclan
movingaroundupstairs,sohemustbesomewhereoutofearshot.
Afterourmorningbondingsession,thelastthingIwanthimtoknowaboutismylittlesecret.
TheoneIfiledawayinthesonothappeningdrawerofmybrain.
“Heleft.”
“Leftthehouse?”Iplopontothecouchacrossfromhim.
“HewaswalkingoutthedoorasIwaspullingin.”
“Oh.”I’mnotsurewhytheideaofDeclanleavingwithouttellingmeanythingmakesmychestfeelalltightanduncomfortable.It’snotlikeIexpecthimtotellmeeverything,butacourtesyI’mgoingoutwouldbenice.EspeciallysinceIthoughtwesharedafunmomentthismorning.
“I’mguessingbasedonthestateofthisplacethatyou’renotleaving,areyou?”
“No.”
“Whynot?”
“BecauseIfailed.”
Heshakeshishead.“Doesn’tmeanyoucan’ttryagainsomewhereelse.Anywhereelsereally,solongastheyappreciateyou.”
“Declanappreciatesme.”
“Solongasyoudoeverythinghewants.”
Myeyesnarrow.“That’snottrueandyouknowit.”Idon’tdoeverythinghewants.Hemightbetheboss,butIhavenoproblemstandinguptohimandsharingmyideas.I’dliketothinkthat’spartofthereasonI’velastedlongerthanmypredecessors.
“Hisappreciationisbuiltoncontingencies,justlikeeverythingelseabouthim.”
“Whatdoyouexpectmetodo?We’regettingmarried.”
Bothourgazesshifttowardmyengagementring.
“Youcouldtellhimaboutyourideas.”
MyheaddropsbackagainstthecouchasIlaughuptotheceiling.
Cal’sbrowspulltogether.“What?”
“There’sareasonInevertoldhimaboutmytransferrequest.”
“Iknowthat.Butthingswillbedifferentnow.Icanguaranteeit.”
“BecauseI’mmarryinghim?”
Henods,whichmakesmelaughharder.
Heshootsmeaseriouslook.“YouhavesomethingRowandoesn’thave.”
“Ifyousayvagina,I’llmakeyouregretnothavingone.”
Hewinces.“Jesus.Iwasgoingtosayamarriagecontract.”
Ilaugh.“Asifthatmeansanything.”
“Maybenotyetbutgiveittime.IfthereisanyoneDeclanhasasoftspotfor,it’syou.”
“Youconsiderthishavingasoftspot?”Iwaveahandovertheentiretablecoveredinpapers.
“Youcouldquit.Takeyourideasandstartsomewherefresh.”
“Ican’tleavehimrightnow.Ourrelationshipcomplicatesthings.”
Calshakeshishead.“No,itdoesn’t.Actually,ifanything,itmakesallthemoresenseforyoutoleave.It’saconflictofinteresttoworkforyourhusband.”
Isigh.“Heneedsme.”
“Hedoesn’tneedanyone.Hemakesitprettydamncleareverytimeanyonesaysso.”CalspeakswithalittlemoreofanagitatedtonethanI’musedto.
“Hedoesn’tevenknowhowtooperateaprinteronhisown.”
“Hedoesn’twanttoknowhow.”
“Why?”
“Becausewhatelsewouldyoubeusefulfor?”Hegrins.
IgrabapillowandlaunchitatCal’sstupidface.
“Foryourinformation,IjustcaughtamistakeonDeclan’squarterlyreport.”Ipointatamisspelledword.
“Childrenwithdyslexiaaroundtheworldarerejoicingatyoursuccessstory.”
Ifliphimoffwithasmile.“Idon’tknowwhyIeveradmittedthetruthtoyou.”
“BecauseyouneededashouldertocryonafterDeclanrippedyouanewoneafteryourunforgivabletypo.”
Myhandscoveringmyfacemufflemygroan.“Youpromisedtoneverbringthatupagain.”ItwasmyfirstmonthasDeclan’s
assistantandhenearlyfiredmeforonemistake.Icouldhaveconfessedthetruthtohim,butadmittingmyweaknessseemedlikeabetrayaltomyself.LikeIcouldn’thandletheintenseworkenvironmentbecauseofalearningdisorderIspentmywholelifetryingtofix.SoratherthanaskDeclanforaccommodations,Iworkhardertoachievehisstandards.
LikereviewingreportsonaSunday.
Whystrugglewithawork-lifebalancewhenIcanmakemyentirelifemyjob?
“You’vecomealongwaysincethen.Declanevenrespectsyouenoughtoletyouleadsomeofhispresentations.”Cal’ssincerewordswarmmyheart.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanyoushouldgiveupyourdreambecauseyouthinkmybrothersaremoreimportant.”
Mysmilefalters.“It’snottherighttime.”
“There’sneverarighttimetomakeahardchoice.”
“Howmuchweeddidyousmokethismorning?”
“Notenoughtobethevoiceofreasoninthisconversation.”
Iglareathim.“I’mnotquittingrightnow,sodropit.”
“Notquittingwhat?”Declan’svoicecutsin.
Mypulsepointfluttersathislow,authoritativetone.IttakesallmystrengthtodragmyeyestowardDeclan’sface.
“Yes,Iris,whatexactlyareyouthinkingofquitting?”Calraisesabrow,notbotheringtohidehissmugexpression.“Fancyseeingyoubacksosoon,brother.Forgetsomething?”
Declandoesn’trespond,butthetwoofthemsharealookbeforemyfiancé’seyeslockontomine.
“Umm…Yousee…”Iscantheroom,tryingtosparkanidea.Asilentcommercialforananimalshelterplaysonthescreen.
“Shedidn’twanttotellyouthetruth—”Calstartsup.
Ijumpfromthefloorandstepinfrontofhim.“I’mnotquittinguntilweadoptadog.”
OhGod.Didyoureallyjustsaythat?Youhaveneverconsideredowningadoginyourentirelife!
TheexpressiononDeclan’sfacetellsmeindeedIdid.
“Adog,”herepeats.
“Oh,yes.Irislovesdogs,”Caloffers,failingtohidetheamusementinhisvoice.
Iflookscouldkill,Calwouldbechokingonhisowntonguenow.
“Mymomneverletmehaveapet,sonowmightbetheperfectchanceformetohaveone.”Imeanhavingadogmightnotbetheworstthingever.Itcouldkeepmecompanyinthisbig,emptyhouse.
“Youwantadog,”Declanstateswithastrangeexpressiononhisface.
Anideaofhowtogetoutofthismessstrikesme.“Yes.Abig,fluffydogthatfollowsmearoundeverywhere.”
“No.”
Sellyourself.Don’tmakehimsuspiciousbyagreeingtooeasily.
“ButI’lldoeverythingbymyself.Iknowcratetrainingcanbeannoying,butIdoubtyou’llhearthemhowlingoverthesoundofyoursnores.”
“Thereisn’tachanceinhellI’mlettingthathappen.”
“Butthinkofalltheserotoninwecouldbeboostingifwehadone.”
“Mydecisionisfinal.”Heturnsonhisheelandexitsthelivingroom.
“‘Mydecisionisfinal.’Whatapretentiousass.”Cal’seyesroll.
Idropontothecouchwithrelief.“Youbastard.Whydoyoudothat?”
“Youcouldhavetoldhimthetruth.”
“Never.”
“ThenIguessdon’tgetangrywhenyoucomehomeonedaytoacutepuppyinneedofalovinghome.”
Igivehisshoulderashove.“Don’tyoudare!Hewouldkillmeifyoudidthat.”
“Youhavetoadmitthatitwouldbeabitfunnyforyoutoadoptadogwhenyouhatethem.”
“Idon’thatedogs!Whatkindofmonsterdoyoutakemefor?”
“Thekindwhoactuallyenjoysworkingformybrother.”
9
IRIS
“Areyousureaboutthis?”IpeekoveratDeclanclutchingontotheneckofthewinebottlewithasteelgrip.
“Myanswerhasn’tchangedsinceyoulastaskedmethreeminutesago.”Helooksupatmyfamily’sapartmentbuildingwithnarrowedeyes.
I’veneverbeenashamedoftheneighborhoodIgrewupin.Itmightbeafarcryfrommyfather’slavishlifestyle,butIwasluckytofallasleepknowingmymomandIweresafeandhappywithouthim.GrowinguponaChicagoartteacher’ssalarytaughtmetobethankfulforwhatIhavebecausethereareplentyofkidswhohaveitworse.
“Well,webettergetthisoverwith.”IleadDeclanpasttheflickeringlightsoftheentryhallwayandtowardthestairwell.
“Noelevator?”
“Onlyifyouwanttowaitforthefiredepartmenttorescueyou.”
Comparedtomyheavypanting,hedoesn’tseemtheleastbitwindedafterthreeflightsofstairs.
“Charmingplace.”Heassessesthepeelingwallpaperandstainedcarpetwithacriticaleye.
“Don’tjudgeuntilyouseetheinside.”
“I’movercomewithanticipation,”herepliesinaflatvoice.
“Jerk.”Idon’tknowwhyhisjudgmentbothersmeasmuchasitdoes.It’snotlikeheeverminceshiswords,butwoulditkillhimtobepoliteeverynowandthen?
Probably.Hecouldn’tevensparefiveminutesbeforescaringpoorBethanyoff.
Igrabtheknockerandslamitagainstthedoorabitharderthanusual.Westandsidebyside,twostiffbodiesunaccustomedtoeachother’sproximity.Iswipemydamppalmsdownthesidesofmydress.MynervesseemoutofplacecomparedtoDeclan’scoolindifference.
Nanaswingsthedooropen.ShescansDeclanfromheadtotoebeforeturninghergazetowardme.“Inowunderstandwhyyou’rewillingtoworkweekendsandholidaysforthisman.Ifmybosshadlookedhalfasgoodashim,Iwouldhaveneverquit.”
Iwanttofindthenearestsinkholeandjumpinsideofit.Declan’susuallyemptygazeismissing,replacedbybrighteyessounlikehim,IblinktomakesureI’mnotseeingthings.
Hefindsthis…funny?
Onlybecausehefeedsoffpeople’sembarrassment.
“I’mDeclan.Nicetomeetyou.”Heholdsouthispalm.
“Nicetomeetyoutoo.”Nanaspeakstotheexpensivebottleofwine.Declanoffersittoher,andshedisappearsintothekitchen.
Ilookaway.Mychestshakesfromwithheldlaughter.
“Iseewhereyougetyoursparklingpersonalityfrom.”ThewarmthfromDeclan’sbodypressesintomeashewrapsanarmaroundmywaist.Whateverhumorquicklyevaporates,replacedbytheunevenbeatofmyheart
Guesswearejustfakingituntilwemakeithere.
Together,wewalkinsidetheapartment.Hishandmovesfrommyhiptothesmallofmyback.Thewaymybodyburnsfromhistouchmakesthegestureseeminappropriate.NotonceovertheyearshasDeclanmadeamovetotouchme.Ifanything,it’salmostasifheavoidedeverypossiblesituationthatwouldleadtousgettingcloseenoughtohaveskin-to-skincontact.Maybethat’swhyIfeelthrownofffromasimplegrazeofhispalm.
…OrmaybeI’msufferingfromsideeffectsassociatedwiththelongestdryspellinChicago.Onlytimewilltell.
Mompopsherheadoutofthekitchen.“I’llbeoutinafewminutes!Makeyourselfathome,Declan.”Mom’scookingmakesthewholeapartmentsmelldivine.
Declanlooksaroundmychildhoodapartmentinthesamewayonewouldanalyzeamuseumexhibit.I’msurehisskinitchestofindthenearestexit.Comparedtohishome,oursburstswithcolors,fabrics,andphotographs.
“Thisiswhereyougrewup?”HepausesateachframeddrawingImadeformymomwhenIwasakid.
“Spentmostofmylifehere.”
Heseemssomewhathorrifiedbythatfactashiseyesdartacrossawaterstain
Ispeakup.“Althoughthecarpetwasinbetterconditionbackthen.”
“Onecouldonlyhope.”
HepicksupaframeofMom,Nana,andmeatmyhighschoolgraduation.TearsstreamdownMom’sfacedespiteherwidesmile.
Weweren’tsureifIwouldeverwalkacrossthatstage,butIovercamethechallengesandpersevered.Itonlytookarepeatedgradeandhundredsoftutoringsessionstogetthere.
HeassessesthephotoinawaythatmakesmefeellikeI’msomekindofscienceexperiment.MyskinprickleswithanticipationasIwaitforhimtosaysomething.Anythingreallywouldsufficecomparedtohissilence.
“Itakeityouthreeareclose?”
“DependsonthedayandifNanatookhermedsthatmorning.”
“Iheardthat!”Nanayellsback.
Declan’seyesseemwarmerthanusual.“Icanimaginegrowingupinahomelikethiscamewithits…perks.”
Thewayhesaysitwithascrunched-upnosemakesmelaugh.
“IneverthoughtIwouldseethedaywhenmydaughterfellinlove.”Momcutsintoourconversation.
Declanletsoutanoisethatcanbeclassifiedasalaugh.
Iglareatmymom.“Youjustlovetoembarrassme,don’tyou?”
“Youthinkthisisembarrassing?Ihaven’tevenofferedtoshowDeclanyourbabyalbumyet.”
“Youwouldn’t.”
Momonlylaughs.ShewipesherpalmsacrossherapronbeforeofferingherhandtoDeclan.“It’snicetomeetyou,Declan.I’veheardsomanygoodthingsaboutyou.”
IpointatMom.“Don’tlie.Itdoesscarythingsforhisego.”
Declan’sgazeswingsbetweenmymotherandmebeforehegrabsherhand.Hegivesitafirmshake.“Thepleasureisallmine.”
It’sasifhisgrumblinginthecaronourwayhereneverhappened.Asshole
“Pleasecomeandsit.CanIgetyouadrink?”
Webothsitonmymom’sretrocouch.TheflowersaregrosslyoutdatedandthecompleteoppositeofDeclan’sposhhome,butitremindsmeofFridaymovienightsandNanafallingasleeptoherKoreandramas.
“Waterisfine.”
Momlookssheepish.“Ofcourse!I’llgetyouaglass.Iapologizeformymother’smannersearlier.Shedoesn’tleavethehouseoften.”
“Onlybecauseyoustolemydriver’slicense,”Nanaoffersfromthekitchen.
“Excusethem.Theymustbesufferingfromacarbonmonoxideleakorsomething.They’renotusuallylikethis.”
Nanapopsherheadoutofthekitchen.“Whylietohim?We’realwayslikethis.”
IgiveDeclanareassuringpatonhisthigh.“Welcometomyfamily.”
Ipullmyhandaway,butDeclansweepsinandholdsontoit.Thewarmthofhispalmmakesmyhandburn
Momwagsafingeratme.“Notyet.HeneedstopasstheLandrytestbeforehe’sofficiallyinducted.”
Declanraisesabrow.
“Ihopeyoulikespicyfood.”Nanamakesanappearance,sippingonherwine.
ThethreeofusbreakoutintolaughteratthepuzzledexpressiononDeclan’sface.
Maybetonightwon’tbesobadafterall.
“Areyouokay?”IrefillDeclan’swatercupforthethirdtimeintwentyminutes.Adamplayerofsweatcovershisforehead,andhisusuallyslicked-backhairsticksoutinalldifferentdirections.Heevenremovedhissuitjacket.
Themanneversomuchasremoveshisjacket,letalonerollsuphissleeves.I’vetriedmyhardesttokeepmyeyesfocusedoneverythingabovehisneck,buttheamountofveinpornhappeninghasmyeyesgluedtohisforearmlikeahomingbeacon.
Itshouldbeillegaltohidearmslikethosebeneathsuits.
Hell,itshouldbeillegaltohavearmslikethoseinthefirstplace.
They’redistractingtothegeneralpopulation.
ThescrapeofDeclan’sforkagainsthisplatefillsthesilence.Heglaresatthepieceofspicychickenlikehewisheshecouldgobackintimeandwringtheanimal’sneckhimself.
“So,Declan,whendidyourealizeyouwereinlovewithmydaughter?”
Declanreleasestheknifeinhishand,anditclatterstothefloor.
“Aw.You’remakinghimnervous.”Nanasipsherwinetohidehersmile.
Thesetwoandtheirinterrogationskills.I’mluckyDeclanhasunderstandingpeopledowntoasciencebecauseIneverwithstoodmyfamily’sinquisitionsgrowingup.
“Ithinkpartofmealwaysknewshewouldbetheone.Itjusttookawhilefortherestofmybraintocatchup.”Hiseyesdon’tmeetmine.
Ibitedownonmytonguetokeepmyselffromlaughing.Thewayhecanliehiswaythroughanythingissomethingtobeadmired.Althoughitdoescomeoffabitjarring,itseemstodothetrick.Mom’sentirebodymeltsfromhisstatement.
“Whydidyouholdbackforsolong?”Nanaasks,notlookingasenamoredasmymom.
“Itwasn’ttherighttime.”
Elusiveasalways.Itwillhelphimkeepupwithhisweboflies.
Momsmiles.“Well,I’msurprisedshegaveyouachance.I’vebeentryingtosetherupwithoneoftheteachersatmyschoolbutshealwaysdeclines—”
“BecauseIwasn’tinterested,obviously.”InodmyheadinDeclan’sdirection.
Hedoesn’tsomuchaslookatme.Wewillneedtopracticemoreoftheseinteractionslaterbecausehisdeliverycouldusesomework.
“Irisleavesatrailofbrokenheartswherevershegoes.”NanaraisesherglasstowardmelikeIunlockedsomeachievement.
“No,Idon’t.”Igrindmyteethtogether.
Nanafeedsoffmyembarrassment.“Didyouknowherlastboyfriendproposedtoherandsherejectedhim?”
“Nana!”
“What?Ijustfinditinterestingthatyouarefinallywillingtosettledown.Whathappenedtoswearingoffmenfortherestofyourlife?”
“Yourexproposed?”Declan’seyesarelighterthanusual.
IneveradmittedtohimwhyIbrokeupwithmyexayearago.
Declanprobablythoughtwepartedwaysamicably,butthetruthisRichardaskedmetomarryhim.
Ideclined.
Hecried
Ithoughtwewereonthesamepagewitheverything.Itwasmyfaultfornotnoticingthesignssoonenough.Thekeytohisplace.Asparetoothbrushheleftatmyapartment.Thewayheseemedtooenthusiastictooffermeanentirehalfofhisdresserandcloset—
valuablespacecurrencyinChicago.
AfterIbrokehisheart,Istoppeddating.Itwasn’tfairtoleadmenonifIwasn’treadyforcommitment.
Yetyou’regettingmarriedtoyourboss,thesmallvoiceinmyheadwhispers.
Thisisdifferent.Therearenopreconceivednotionsorexpectations.I’msimplydoingthistohelpDeclanachievehisgoal,andoncehedoes,Icanmoveontomine.
That’swhatyou’vesaidforyears.
“Poormanrentedoutanicerestaurantandeverythingfortheoccasion,”Momadds.
“Ringinaglassofchampagne?”Declanasks.
Momnods.“Oh,yes.Irisnearlychokedonit.”
Ishootherawitheringglare.
“Rosepetalsonthetable?”
“Yes!”Nanashouts.“Red.Herfavorite.”
IhatecutflowersbecauseIfindthemawasteofaperfectlygoodplant.
“Soundslikeeverythingyoulove.”Declan’sgazecapturesmine.
Whatanasshole.“Iwonderwhatwentwrong.”Hiseyesshiftbacktomymomandgrandma.
IdespisethewayheknowsabouteverythingIhate.
“Iguessitwasn’tgoodenoughbecauseIrisoverhereflat-outrejectedhim,”Nanareplies.
“Howunfortunate.”Declan’sdrytonesayseverythingwordscan’t.
Heenjoyseverysinglesecondofthis.
Thisisnothowdinnerwassupposedtogo.MyfamilywassupposedtomakeDeclanfeeluncomfortable,notme
“Unfortunateindeed.”NanaraisesherglassinDeclan’sdirection.“Imagineifshehadsaidyes.”
“Withthatkindofgenericproposal,it’sashockerthatshedidn’t.”Hetakesasipofhiswater.
Hedoesn’tsomuchasflinchwhenIstomponhisloafer.Ichangewarfaretacticsbydraggingmyheeluphismuscularcalf,andI’mrewardedwithhissharpinhaleofbreath.Heatpoolsinmybelly,onlytoturnmoltenwhenDeclanclutchesontomythigh.
Stop,hisgripsays.
Notuntilyoudropthetopic,mydemuresmilereplies.
Hegivesmythighonelastsqueezebeforeabandoningitaltogether.Thememoryofhispalmremainspressedintomyskin,andI’mhitwithaslightchillinhisabsence.
“IsnowagoodmomenttotellyouaboutthetimeIrissetachurchonfire?”Momgrins.
“Ican’twaittohearaboutthisone.”Declandoesn’teventrytohidetheamusementinhisvoice.
IswearwiththewaymymomandNanaareacting,it’sasiftheyhaveneverspokentoanotherhumanbeingbefore.
Isigh.It’sgoingtobealongnight.
“Iapprove.”Momgrabsmycoatoutofthecloset.ThankfullyshekeptthatcommenttoherselfuntilDeclanwenttousethebathroombeforeweleft.
“Youbetterafteralltheemotionaltraumayouputmethrough.”
Shechuckles.“Ihopehecanforgivemeforthechicken.Hewasonlysupposedtoeatafewbites,butthemanclearedhisentireplate.
I’mprettysureIusedawholebottleofcayennepepperthistime.”
“I’mstillbitterhebeatyourgrandpa’srecord.ThatmanlosthalfofhistastebudsafterImadethechickenforhim.”
“Doyouthinkheknewitwasatest?”Iask.
“Hedoesnow.”Declanwalkstowardmewithadarkgaze.
Mompressesherlipstogethertohidehersmile.
“Tobefair,itreallyisafamilytradition.”Iholdupbothmyhandsinsubmission.
“AnyothertraditionsIshouldbeawareof?”
“No,”thethreeofusreplyatthesametime.
Declan’seyesnarrow.“I’mhavingahardtimebelievingyouthree.”
“Atleastnothingtoodangerous,”Nanaoffers.
HisglaremakesNanaandMombreakoutintoafitoflaughter.
“We’releaving.”Hetugsmycoatoutofmymother’sgrasp.
“Thankyouforaninterestingmeal.Iwouldsayitwasapleasure,butIcan’tfeelhalfofmytongue.”
NanacackleswhileMomrocksbackonherheelswithasmile.
ShepracticallyswoonsasDeclanhelpsmeintomyjacketbeforetuggingmyhairoutfromunderneaththecollar.
InearlytoppleoverindisbeliefasDeclantakeshistimefixingeachbuttonforme.Thesmellofhiscolognepermeatesmylungs,embeddingitselfintomymemory.Astrangetemptationtoleaninandtakeanothersniffconsumesme.
He’sdoingsuchagoodjobconvincingeveryonearoundusthathecares,evenIbelieveitforasecond.Hestepsaway,andthewarmthofhisbodyisreplacedbyacoldreality.
Ilikedhimtakingcareofme.
Thespicesfromthechickenmusthavedestroyedpartofmyfrontallobebecausethere’snowayIcouldlikethat
Right?
“So,wasitasbadasyouthoughtitwouldbe?”Ittakesmeawholefiveminutessinceweenteredhiscartomusterupthecouragetobreakthesilence.
“Thefoodwasawful.”
Ilookoutthewindowtoavoidshowinghimmysmile.“And?”
“Andthecompanywasn’ttooterrible.AlthoughIcouldhavedonewithoutbeingambushednearthebathroom.”
Ibitedownonmycheek.“WhatdidNanasaytoyouinprivate?”
SheallbutboltedfromthetableonceDeclangotuptousetherestroom.
“Shethreatenedme.”
“No.”Imufflemylaughwithmyhand.
“Ingraphicdetail.”
“Whatdidyousay?”
“Whatexactlyisanappropriatereplyforbeingtoldmyintestineswouldmakeanicewinterscarf?”
“She’sbeenonamafiakicklately.”
“Thatexplainshowsheknewalotaboutsulfuricacidandthedifferentwaystodisposeofabody.”
“Ididtrytowarnyouaboutmyfamily.They’reabit…”
“Overbearing?”
Inod.“Theyworryaboutme.”
“Theyhaveagoodreasonto.”
“Why?”
“Yougotengagedoutofthebluetosomeonewhoisn’texactlyknowntobethenicestmaninChicago.”
“Now,now.Atleastyou’renottheworst.”
“I’msurethatreallyhelpsthemsleepatnight.”
Theself-deprecatingwayhespeaksofhimselfmakesmesad.
“DoesthegreatDeclanKanecareaboutmyfamily’sopinionofhim?”
Hiseyesroll.“No.Don’tberidiculous.”
“Maybejustalittlebit?”Iholdmytwofingersuptohisface,leavingasmallgapofspace.
Heswatsmyhandaway.“Istoppedcaringaboutpeople’sopinionsofmealongtimeago.”
Iwanttoaskhimwhy.Heck,Iwanttoaskhimahundredquestionsaftertonight,startingwithwhatmadehimstopcaringaboutwhatotherpeoplethinkofhiminthefirstplace.ButaskingpersonalquestionsseemslikeI’mgivinghimunspokenpermissiontodothesametome.
Iholdbackmytongueandstaysilentfortherestoftheride.
BeingcuriousaboutDeclanwouldonlycomplicatethings,soI’mbetteroffkeepingsomedistance.Livingwitheachotherisonething,butsharingintimatedetailsaboutoneanotherisacompletelydifferentanimal.Notthathewantsmetoknowhimonapersonallevelanyway.Hehasmadehisstanceprettyclearonthematter,andIwouldbestupidtothinkthismarriagewasanythingbutaconvenienceforhim.
10
DECLAN
Ifmygrandfather’ssolereasonformakingmegetmarriedwastodrivemetowardthebrinkofinsanity,heachievedhisgoal.I’veofficiallyreachedmybreakingpoint,anditonlytookIrisplanningarehearsaldinnertogetmethere.Well,hersittingbesidemeinabody-huggingwhitegownandthecrowdofpeoplewaitinginsideChicago’sbeststeakhouse.
“It’snottoolateformetotellHarrisontoturnthecararound.”Imakeonelast-ditchefforttoconvinceIrisagainsttonight’sdinner.Ifitwereuptome,wewouldhavegottenmarriedinacourthouseandbypassedalloftheserequirements
Shepicksatherpristinemanicure.“It’snotlikeIwanttogointhereeither.”
“Isthisyourattemptatmakingmefeelbetter?”Athoughtfulyetpointlesseffort.
“Theysaymiserylovescompany.”Shelaughs,andthesounddrawsmetowardherlikeasiren’scall.
MyeyesdroptohermouthasIsoakinhersmile.Hergoodmoodisdashedawaybythepartingofherlips,andIlookuptoseewhatchanged.Oureyesconnect,makingmefeellikeIwasstruckinthechestwithalightningbolt.Itmustzapallmycommonsensetoo
becausenothingelseexplainsmereachingoutandholdingontoherhand.
Shesucksinabreath.“Youready?”
WhateverburstofenergyIfeltfromoureyecontactdiesatherconfusion.Ireleaseherhand,andsheclaspsherstogetheronherlap.
“Asreadyasonecanbeforaneventlikethis.”
“Justrememberintwodaysyouwillneverhavetothinkaboutthrowingapartyeveragain.”
“Alotcanhappeninforty-eighthours.”
“Gettingcoldfeet?”Hereyeslightup.
“Frostbitesetinaboutthreedaysago,butI’llcrawldowntheaisleifIneedto.”
Shelaughsagain,andI’mhitwithanothersurgeofwarmththatscaresmeenoughtoopenthecardoorandfacethelesseroftwoevils.AnythingseemsbetterthananalyzingtheweirdsenseofattractionIfeeltowardtheonewomanIcan’teverhave.
Futurewifeornot,IrisisthelastpersonIwillevermakeamoveon.SheisanintegralpartofmyplantobecomeCEO,andIrefusetolosemymostvaluableplayerforsomethingasfleetingasattraction.
Nothinggoodcouldevercomeoutofatemporaryfling,soI’mbetteroffbeingonmyown.
IrisandImakeourwaythroughroundsofuselessconversation.
Unlikeourengagementparty,wearedrivenapartbyourfamilies.
ThereisareasonIalwaysdraggedIristoanyeventIwasforcedtoattend.Whereshethrivesinansweringpeople’squestionsandpretendingtobeinterested,Istruggle.Everythingabouttonightispuretorture.Withtheendlessamountofsmalltalkandmyinabilitytogetdrunkatmyownrehearsaldinner,Ican’tgetoutofheresoonenough.
Tomakemattersworse,myfathershoweduptoplayhispartasadotingparent.Hisfakesmileisonfulldisplayasheworksthe
crowdswiththecharmofacultleader.It’sdisgustinghowmanypeopleeatoutofthepalmofhishand,nearlysalivatingattheprospectofreceivingfiveminutesofhisattention.
Ifindthedarkestcornerintherestaurantandlingerintheshadows,observingmyfatherfromafar.I’mnotsurehowmuchtimepasses.Thedullthrobatthebackofmyheadseemstohavealleviatedduringmyreprieve,andforthatIamgrateful.
ItakeastepoutintothelightbeforeI’mstoppedbyIrispressingherpalmagainstmycheek.“I’vebeenlookingforyoueverywhere.IknewIshouldhavecheckedthedarkandunseemlyplacesfirst.”
Herhandlingers,warmingmystubbledchinasIlookdownather.
“Tothinkyouknowmebetterthananyoneelse.”
Shelaughs,andthesoundseemstowashawaymylastbitofannoyancefromtonight.
“Howareyouholdingup?”Sheremovesherhand,butIlatchontoitandpressitagainstmychest.
Acreaseappearsbetweenhereyebrows.
“Peoplearewatching,”Ispeaklow.
Shelooksaround,findingmultiplepeople’sgazeshomedinonus.
Herlipscurveintoasmallsmile.“Nowonderyouhategoingout.Thisisexhausting.”
“Nowshefinallygetsit,”Ideadpan.
Shecracksanothersmileinmydirection.“IneverunderstoodwhyyouhatedtalkingtopeoplebutnowItotallydo.Whowouldwanttowithafamilylikeyours?”
“Ifhellwereathemepark,theywouldhavelifetimepasses.”Mycommentearnsmeawheezylaugh.
“Howdidyousurvivegrowingupwithsomanysocialclimbers?”
“Easy.Ifyoustopbeingsocial,thereisnoladderforthemtoclimbinthefirstplace.”
Hereyeslightup.“Well,Ibettergetbacktobeingthecheeryone.
Withyouhiding,oneofusneedstobepresent.”
Iclaspontoherhandbeforeshehasachancetostepaway.
“Don’tgo.”
Whatareyoudoing?
“Whynot?”Herbrowarches.
Areasonablequestionifany.Havingherbymysidefeelsliketheonlynaturalthingabouttonight,fakemarriageornot.Shehasawayofmakinganythingtolerable.
“Youmaketonightsomewhatmorebearable.”
Whathappenedtonotneedinganyonebutyourself?
I’llgobacktofeelingthatwaytomorrow.TonightIacceptIamweakerthanusual,withhoursofsmalltalkpushingmepastmylimits.
Shelooksdownatourjoinedhandswithatightexpression.
“Whataglowingcompliment.”
Mythumbbrushestheinsideofherwrist.“Doyouwanttohearsomemore?”
“No.”
AsmallsmileformsbeforeIhaveachancetokillit.“Whynot?”
“Ipreferyougrumpyandpredictable.”
“Youcan’tmeanthat.”
Areyouflirtingwithher?
Fuck.ExactlyhowmuchalcoholdidIdrinktonight?Icheckmyoneandonlyglass,findingitstillhalfwayfull.
Mustbeatemporarylapseinjudgmentgiventhestressofthesituation.
Yes.AslipofthetonguethathasnothingtodowithIrisandeverythingtodowithmylimitedpatienceforpeopletryingtokissmyassallnightlong.
“Youknowwhy.”
“Maybebutthatdoesn’tmeanIdon’twanttohearyousayit.”
Shegrins,andawaveofwarmthspreadsthroughmychestthathasnothingtodowithmywhiskey.
Youhatewhenpeoplesmile.
ExceptmakingIrisgrinfeelslikeapersonalvictory.
You’renotsupposedtobelustingafteryourpaid-per-vowwife’ssmiles.
Isnapoutofwhateverfeelingspossessedme.“You’restayingwithmefortherestofthenight.”Ileavenoroomforquestions.
Sheseemstorampupthewattageonhersmile.“You’rekindofcutewhenyougetallflustered.”
“I’mnotflustered.”
Shewrapsbothofherarmsaroundmywaist,drawingmetowardher.Ourbodiesfittogetherliketwointerlockingpuzzlepieces.Returningherembraceisreflexive,whilethefeelinghappeninginsideofmeisnot.ThereisonlyonewordIcanthinktodescribethecontentednesswrappingitselfaroundmyheartlikeasuffocatingvine.
Hygge1
“Whatdidyoujustsay?”Irislooksupatmewithacontortedexpression.
Shit.Yousaidthatoutloud?
Ihavetwooptionshere—admitthetruthordenyiteverhappenedinthefirstplace.
Deny.
“Nothing.”
Exceptitdoesn’tfeellikenothing.Myheartpoundsagainstmychest,andIonlyhopeIrisremainsunawareofthebetrayingorgan.
AsickfeelingovertakesmeasIconsidermyslipup.Istoppedusingwordslikethatagesagoaftermymompassed.Therewasn’tapointanymorewhentheonlypersonwhounderstoodmethatwaydied,leavingmebehindwithanemptyheartandabrainfilledwithuselesswords.
Yethereyouare,usingthemtodescribeher
Fuck.
Irunmyfingersthroughmyhair,givingmyhandssomethingtodobesidestouchingIris.Nothinggoodseemstocomefromthat.
Iris’sarmstightenaroundme,beckoningmetolookdownather.
“Iseverythingokay?”
“Ofcourse.”Ifighttheurgetodisentanglemyselffromherhug.
Sheisgrowingfartoocomfortablewiththemformytaste.
“Greatbecauseyourfatherisheadedthiswayandthesmileonhisfaceisdownrightmalicious.”Irisstepsoutofourembrace,onlyformetotuckheragainstmyside.Myhandplantsitselfagainstherhiplikeitbelongsthere.
Myfatherstepsintoourvicinity.“JustthecoupleIwaslookingfor.”
Irismutterssomethingunderherbreathbeforeplasteringonherfakestsmile.“Mr.Kane.Howniceofyoutomakeittonight.”
Ihuffatherpolitedisplay.Bothofushadhopedmyfatherwoulddeclinetoattend,butleaveittohimtomakeitatthelastminute.
Hisrighteyenarrowsdespitetheeasygoingsmileonhisface.
“PleasecallmeSeth.Wearepracticallyfamilynow.”
“Youwouldn’tknowthemeaningoftheword,”Iquip.
“Payingforafamilydoesn’tmakeyouanexpertonthematterbyanymeans.”
“Neitherdoesbeinganabsenteealcoholicwhohateshiskids.”
Irissucksinabreath.
Myfather’sfaceturnsmoltenred,andtheflushspreadsfromhischeekstohisneck.“Youdaretotalktomethatway?”
“SeeingasIjustdid,yes.”
Hisgrinisforced,neverreachinghisemotionlesseyes.“I’mmakinganefforttobepoliteandsupportive.”
“Forthepublic.”
“Appearancesareeverything.”
Myteethgrindtogether.Ilearnedthatlessonfartoomanytimesovertheyearsaftermymomdied.Becausewhileourhousewasnothingbutchaosinprivate,totherestoftheworldweweretheultimateAmericanfamily.Myprivateschoolteachersneverquestionedtherandomblackeyesorbruisesonmyskin.Theywereeasilyboughtlikeeveryoneelse,feedingintotheviciouscycleofmychildhood.TheoneIdideverythinginmypowertoprotectCalandRowanfrom,evenifitmeanttakingmyfatheronbymyself.
“Thankyouforcoming.Iwishwecouldstaylongerandchat,butIwanttointroduceDeclantomycousinbeforesheleaves.”
Iristugsonthesleeveofmysuit,andIfollowherwithoutbotheringtolookbackatmyfather.I’mtoolostinmythoughtstonoticemuchelse.
It’snotuntilIrispushesmeintoacrampedroomandflipsthelightswitchthatInoticethenoisearoundusisturneddowntoa
manageablelevel.
Icheckoutoursurroundings.“Asupplycloset?”
Shelaughs.“I’msorry.ItwasthefirstunlockeddoorIcouldfind.”
“Whyarewehiding?”
“Becauseyoulookedabouttwosecondsawayfromblowinguponyourfather.Ithoughtyoumightliketheideaofgettingawayfromeveryoneforafewminutes.”
IrisalwayshasasuperpowerofknowingwhatIneedexactlywhenIneedit.Shetrulyisinvaluableatherjob.
“Thankyou.”Ileanagainstashelfofcleaningsupplies.
Afterhoursoftalkingtopeople,IfeellikeIcanfinallybreatheagain.Mytemplesstillthrobfromoverstimulation,buttheachehaslesseneddrastically.
Irisjumpsontoawashingmachineandusesthelidasaseat.
“Tonighthasbeen…”
“Excruciating,”Ifinishforher.
Shenods.“Ifthisisthedinnerparty,Icanonlyimaginehowtheweddingwillgo.”
“You’retheonewhowantedabigwedding.”
“Onlybecausemymotherwouldkillmeforexcludingher.”
“Thenlet’selopeandinviteheralong.Shecanbeoursolewitness.”ThestatementburstsoutofmefasterthanIcankillit.
Herlaughdieswhenshecatchesthelookonmyface.“You’reserious.”
Inod,likingtheideamorebythesecond.“Wecouldspinitasawhirlwindidea.IcouldhaveusinVegasinfourhoursorless.”
“Wedidnotgothroughallthispaintogiveuprightbeforethefinishline.”
“It’snotgivingup.It’schangingroutes.”
Shepressesherhandagainsthermouthtomuffleherlaughter.
Herobviousdenialofmyideamakesmebolder,andIrefusetotakehernoasafinalanswer.
Iencroachonherspace,trappingheragainstthewashingmachine.HereyesgetawildlookinthemasIstepbetweenherlegs.
Thematerialofherlongdressstretchesenoughtoaccommodatemysize.
Igrabherchin,forcinghertolookupatme.“Thinkaboutit.You,me,andadrive-thruchapel.Nopress.Nofrills.Noexpectations.”
“Thepinnacleofromance,”shereplieswithadryvoice.
Mythumbclutchingontoherchinpressesabitharder.“I’llthrowinanotherhundredmilliontomakeithappen.”
Shebreaksfreeofmyholdasherheaddropsback.Thelaughsheunleashesdoessomethingabnormaltomyheartrate,thesteadybeatturningerratic.
“NoamountofmoneycanchangemymindseeingasmymotherwouldkillmebeforeIhaveachancetoenjoyit.”
Mydisappointedsighmakeshersmile.
Shegivesmychestareassuringpat.“Ifit’sanyconsolation,Ihatetheideajustasmuchasyou.”Herpalmburnsaholestraightthroughmychest,directlyabovemyheart.
Herlashesflutterassheblinksupatme,andmyattentionissplitbetweenstaringintohereyesandlookingdownatherlips.Beingthisclosetoherdoessomethingcatastrophictomyself-restraint.I’mnotsurewhetherit’sthelackofhumancontactI’vehadordesiringsomethingforbidden,butIkeepbeingdrawntoher.
“Didyouleavethelightoninthesupplyclosetagain?WhatdidItellyouaboutwastingelectricity?”Theknobjangles,andIris’seyeswidenasshelooksatme.
“Tellmeyoulocked—”
Iris’shandssinkintomyhairassheshovesmyheadtotheside.
Herlipspressagainstmyneck,settingthebloodinmyveinsonfire.
Shelocksherlegsaroundmywaistandpullsmecloser.BloodrushesfrommyheadtomydickasIrisleavesatrailofkissesdownmyneck.
Keysrattleagainstoneanotherasthedoorknobtwists.Lightpoursintotheroomasacoupleofserversstareatuswithopenmouths.
Oneofthemstepsup.“I’msorry—”
“Leave,”Ilashout.
Irischucklesagainstmyskin,andIfeelthesoundstraighttomycock.HerlaughisapowerfulaphrodisiacIdon’thaveanybusinessrelishingin.
Thedoorslams.Irisshovesmeawaybeforeslippingoffthewasher.“Well,wasn’tthatfun?”
MyslacksseemtotightenasIconsiderjusthowmuchfunthatwas.
Adeepbrownhandlandsonmyarm.IlookovertofindIris’smomholdingontomewithashysmile.
“Hi.”
“AreyoulookingforIris?”Iscantheroomforher.
“Iactuallycametotalktoyou.”
DoIhavetheoptiontopolitelydecline?
Hersmilefalters.“Iwon’ttakeupmorethanafewminutesofyourtime.Iknowyou’reabusymanandeverything.”
Iseemyreputationprecedesme.
“Let’sgooutside.”Imotiontowardtheemptybalconyandletherleadtheway.
Itakeadeepbreathasthedoorsshutbehindusandsilencesettlesin.
“Iristoldmeyouhatethesekindsofthings.”Shewringsherhandsinfrontofher.
“Loatheismorelikeit.”
Shelaughs,anditremindsmeofIris’swheezyone.Likeoxygencan’tmakeittoherlungsfastenough.
“Howareyouholdingupwithallthis?”
“Astobeexpectedforanintrovertwhohatessocialgatherings,smalltalk,andpeopleingeneral.”
“Thenwhydoitinthefirstplace?”
“Becauseit’sexpected.”
Herbraidsshiftasshetiltsherhead.“Itmustbeexhaustingputtingonanimageforthepublic.”
“Youhavenoidea.”
“Imightnotknowwhatitisliketogrowupinthepubliceyelikeyou,butIunderstandhavingtoputonafaceforeveryonearoundyou.”
“Youdo?”Ifindthathardtobelieve
Hereyesdarttowardthecityskyline.“I’msureIristoldyouaboutmyex-husbandandhisveryparticularexpectations.”
Iopenmymouthbutthinkbetterofit.Inreality,Idon’tknowmuchaboutIris’sfatherbesidesthefactthatheisadeadbeat.
Shecontinues,savingmefromhavingtocomeupwithsomethingtosay.“Whenshetoldmeshewasgettingmarriedtoyou,Iwasexcitedthatshefinallymetsomeonewhocouldtreatherright.Someonewhocouldprovethatlovecanhealthesoulasmuchasitcandestroyit.I’veheardthewayshetalksaboutyou.”
NowI’mverycuriousaboutthisconversation.
“Howso?”
Shelaughs.“It’sobvioussheadmiresyou,andnotjustinaromanticway.Yourworkethic.Theloveyouhaveforyourbrothers.
Thewayyougaveherachancetoshowherworth.Forthelastone,Ican’tthankyouenough.Truly.”
I’mspeechlessasIstareatherwithmylipsparted.Idon’tevenknowhowtoprocessherfinalcomment,seeingasmostpeoplearehorrifiedbythewaymyassistantworksmorehoursthanhalftheexecutives.
“Butofcourse,likeanymother,Iworryaboutherandwhatthefutureholdsforher.Idon’twanthertogothroughthekindofpainIexperienced.Iwantabetterlifeforher.OnethatIthinkyoucanprovide,solongasyoupromisetoalwayshonorherandthevowsyoumakethisweekend.”
“IcanassureyouthatIwillalwayshaveIris’sbestinterestsatheart.”Eveniftheyjeopardizemine.
1?Noun,Danish:Acozyqualitythatmakesapersonfeelcontentandcomfortable.
11
IRIS
“Youlookbeautiful.”Mymomtriestoblinkawaythetearsbrimmingatthecornersofherdarkeyes.Sheadjustsmyveilwithashakyhand,beingmindfulofmyperfectlycurledhair.Withmyvintage-inspiredlacegownworthmorethanayear’srentandshoesthatglitterlikethediamondonmyfinger,IfeellikeatrueDreamlandprincess.
Thebouquetofcolorfulflowersshakesagainstmychest.
Thisisit.
IfIhadmyway,Iwouldhaveelopedsomewherewithonlymyclosestfamilyandfriendsbymyside.Butthisweddingisn’taboutme.Hell,itisn’taboutDeclaneither,givenhispreferenceforasimpleceremonytoo.Grantingmymother’swishforareligiousceremonywasthebestchoiceformultiplereasons,butmainlybecauseweneedtoshowthehundredsofguests,includingBradyKane’slawyer,thatwe’reaunitedfront.Thatwe’reinlove
Ittakesallthepowerinmenottoscrunchmynoseatthatidea.Momsniffles.“Ican’tbelievemybabyisgettingmarried.”
“Pleasedon’tcry.”Icouldn’tbearitifshedid.I’mprettysureIwouldcrackunderthepressureandconfessthiswholeplanifsheshedsasingletear.
“It’shardnotto.Ialwaysdreamedofyoufindingsomeonewhomadeyouhappy.”
Somethinginmychesttwinges.“Youhave?”
Shenods.“IwasworriedImadeabadimpressiononyouwhenyouwereachild.ThatIletmybitternesstowardyourfathergetinthewayofshowingyouhowtomoveondespitethehurt.”
“Mom—”Iwanttotellherno,butIcan’tfinditinmetotellanymorelies.Thetruthis,mymother’sexperiencewithmyfatherweighedheavilyonmewhilegrowingup.Itchangedsomethinginme,andafakemarriageisn’tgoingtofixthat.Ifanything,itonlyproveswhatIalreadyknow.LoveissomethingthatonlyexistsinfairytalesandDreamlandmovies.Therealityismuchbleaker.
Asifshereadsmythoughts,mymomcontinues,“Notallmenarelikeyourfather.Ittookmealongtimetorealizethat,butI’mgladyoulearnedfarquickerthanme.”
“Right.”Myvoicecracks.I’mabouttwosecondsfromfallingapart
Shecupsmycheekwithherhand.“I’mproudofyouforfinallyopeninguptosomeone.Forriskingyourheartknowingallthepossibilities—goodandbad.You’vecomesofar.”
Mythroattightensuncomfortably,andIlookawaytoavoidhergaze,afraidshecanreadthetruthinmyeyes.There’snowayinhellIwouldeveropenmyselfuptolovingDeclan.WhileIconsiderhimafriend,hewantsnothingtodowithmeinthatway.
Nanastepsoutofthebathroom.“Arewedonewithallthesadstuffnow?Thisisawedding,notafuneral.”
MomandIburstintolaughter,andthemomentisgonelikeitneverhappenedinthefirstplace.Butthetightfeelinginmycheststilllingerslongafterthetopicchanges.Conversationsaboutmyfatheralwaysstirupolddemons,buttoday’sfestivitiesmightaswellbeawelcomingpartyforthem.
Mostgirlsdreamofthedaytheywalkdowntheaisle.I,ontheotherhand,alwaysknewIwoulddreadthereminderofgrowingupwithoutafather.Mymotherofferedtostandinhisplace,butIwantedtowalkalone.IpromisedmyselfagesagothatIwouldjusttoproveapointtomyselfthatIdon’tneedhim.Ididn’tbackthenandIsureashelldon’tnow.
Themusicplaysoncue.Everyonestandsandturnstheirattentiontowardme.Myentirebodytremblesfromalltheunwantedeyesassessingme,andIreleaseashakybreath.
Yougotthis.
Ismilebeneathmyveil,hidingthewaymyeyesprickfromunshedtears.Myeyeslifttowardmydestination.InearlystumbleasIfindDeclan’seyeslockedonme,butIcatchmyself.Whateverburnsinhisgazesendsgoosebumpsacrossmyskin.I’mnotsureIhaveeverseenDeclanlookatmelikethis,but
Imarchdowntheaislelikeadedicatedsoldierreportingforduty.
Declandoesn’ttakehiseyesoffme,probablytomakesureIdon’tmakearunfortheclosestemergencyexit.Somethingabouthisgazetodayhasmystomachfeelinglightandbubbly
…Orit’sbecauseofthelast-minutechampagneNanaofferedme.
Becausethereisnowayinhellthatmybossgivesmebutterflies.Theideaalonemakesmewanttocackleuptotherooflikeamadwoman.
Yeah,definitelythechampagne.I’vealwaysbeenabitofalightweight.
Declan,likeme,standsalone.I’mnotsurewhyhedidn’tchooseoneofhisbrotherstobehisbestman,butI’msomewhatrelievedgivenmylackofoptionsforamaidofhonor.Idon’thavemanyfriends.NotbecauseIdon’twantto,butbecauseI’mtoobusyworkingallthetime.Calofferedtostepinandwearapinksuitforme,butIdeclined,sayingpinkwasn’thiscolor.Webothknowit’salie.Butitseemedbetterthanfacingtherealitythatheismyonlyfriendtospeakof.
Istopatthefrontoftheaisleandturntowardmyfiancéwithahesitantsmile.Hisjawlocksashiseyesroamoverme,makingmy
skinflushunderhisscrutiny.
Hishandtracestheedgeofmyveil.Icatchtheslighttremblehetriestohidebyfistingthefabric.Declanhasalwayshatedbigcrowds.Somethingaboutthemmakeshimnervous,notthathewouldeverconfesssuchathingtoasinglesoul.
ButIknow,andthesecretmakesmesmile.
“Relax.Justpretendthey’renothere,”Iwhisperlowenoughforonlyhisears.
Hedoesn’treplyasheliftstheveilupandovermyhead.
Whateverheseeshashimblinkingtwice
“Iseverythingokay?”Iwhisper.
Hisheaddoesthesmallestshake.“Youlooknice.”
WhateverbuzzIfeltallthewaytothetipsofmytoesdiesaquickdeath.
I.Look.Nice?Ishekiddingme?Hecouldhavesaidanything—
literallyanything—anditwouldhavesoundedahellofalotbetterthannice
Screwhim.Ididnotspendfivehoursinasalonchair,beingpoked,prodded,andwaxedforhimtosayIlooknice
AsifDeclancansensemybrewingfeelings,hegrabsmybouquetofflowersandholdsitoutforsomeone.Bothhishandsclutchontomine,lockingmeintoplace.Whateverexpressiononmyfacewarrantsawarningsqueeze.Insteadofallowingmyangertogetthebestofme,Iplasterafakesmileonmyfaceandgivethepriestanod.
I’llshowhimnice.Jackass.
Thepriestbeginshislecture,butIcanbarelyhearhimovertheerraticbeatofmyheart.Declan’shandstightenaroundmineasthepriestspeaksaboutlove,commitment,andhardshipsthatwilltestus.Ifeellikeafraudfornoddingalong,feigningadoration.I’msuretocheckthebackofmydresstomakesureIdidn’tcatchonfireforlyinginthehouseoftheLord.
Therestoftheceremonyisablurwithanexchangeofstandardvows.Thecloserwegettowardtheend,theheaviermybreathingbecomes.It’snotuntilDeclangrabsmylefthandinhisthatInearlygointocardiacarrest
“Iris,Iofferyouthisringasareminderofmycommitmenttoyou,ourmarriage,andourfuture.Letitserveasasymbolofmydevotiontoyou,fromthisdayon.”Somethingabouthiswordsmakesmepause.Hecouldhavepromisedhiseverlastingloveorsomethingequallynauseatingforthecrowd,buthe
BecauseDeclanKanedoesn’tshowhiscards.Admittinghe’smadlyinlovewithyouinfrontofapackedchurchisn’ton-brand.
Hesilencesmythoughtsasheslidesathinplatinumbandcoveredindiamondsupmyfinger.
ThetwosentencesImulledoverforweeksescapemeasIgrabDeclan’sringfrommymom’swaitinghand.
“Umm—”Realsmooth,Iris.
IfDeclanisannoyedatmestumblingovermywords,hedoesagoodjobofnotshowingit.Iclutchontohislefthandwhileholdingontohisringwiththeother.“Declan,Igiveyouthisringasasymbolofmypromisestoyou,asyourpartnerandfriend.Mayitserveasareminderthatevenduringourhardestdays,youcanalwayscountonmetostandbyyourside.”Islidethebandpasthisknuckle.
Oureyesconnect.Somethingpassesoverhisface.Healmostseemsangry,butthatcan’tberight?Sad?Isomehowstopalaughfromescapingme.No,thatcan’tbetrueeither.Declanhasnothingtobesadabout.
AsifDeclanrealizesherevealedatinypartofhimselftoouraudience,heregainscontrolovertheemotionsonhisface.
Andwe’rebacktoourregularlyscheduledprogramming.
Thepriestcontinueshisspielabouttryingtimesandthesacrednessofweddingvows.Heblessesus,ourfuturechildren,andeveryoneattendingourwedding.
AndthenthedreadedmomentIblockedfrommymemorycomestolight.
Theprieststepsbackwardtowardhisaltar,givingussomespace.
“Ipronounceyouhusbandandwife.Declan,youmaynowkissyourbride.”
Myeyeswiden.Everyonearoundusgoessilent.Idon’thavetoseethemtoknowthey’recuriousaboutus.Declanhasn’teverbeenseenwithawoman,letalonekissingone.
MywholebodyshuddersasDeclanwrapsonehandaroundthebackofmyneck.Hisfingerstighten,andhisthumbtracesmyflutteringpulsepoint.Theworldshutsoffasmybossleansintowardme,theexpensivescentofhimwashingoverme.
Mykneesgoweak,andDeclan’sotherarmwrapsaroundmywaisttostopmefromfalling.Hepositionsmeinawaythathidesourfacesfromtheaudience,keepingourprivatemomenttoourselves.
Thisisit.Heleansforward,andourbreathsmingletogether.Ishutmyeyesashissoftlipsbrushagainstthecornerofmylips.
Wait,what?Notevenawholekiss?Itwasnothingbutateasemeanttoappeasethemassessurroundingus.
Hepullsaway,leavingonlyacentimeterbetweenus.Hiseyesarescrewedshutasifheisinpain.
Embarrassmentmakesmyeyessting.Iwhisper,“Thatwashandsdowntheworstkissinmywholelife,andthat’ssayingsomethinggivenmylastex—”
Declan’slipsslamagainstmine,shuttingmeup.Abuzzthatstartsfrommylipsspreadsthroughmybodylikeabrushfire,andI’mlostinthefeelofhislipspressedonmine.
Myarmslockthemselvesaroundhisnecklikealifeline.IfeellikeI’mlostatsea,drowninginallthesensationsconsumingme.Thepressofhischestagainstme.Theweightofhispalmburningintothesmallofmyback.Thebrushofhisfingeracrossmyneck,sosoftitseemsreverent.
I’msnappedoutofthemomentwitharoarofapplause.
Declan’slipspressagainstmineonelasttimeasiftobrandmewithhistouch.Hisforeheadtouchesmine,andthesweetnessofthegesturehasmyheartthreateningtobeatitselfstraightoutofmychest.
Whatishedoing?Morespecifically,whyareyoufeelingthisway?Ihaveofficiallylostit.Forsomereason,thischemicalattractiontoDeclandoesn’tquitematchmypreconceivednotion.
Whilehemightbeconsideredcoldtotherestoftheworld,hemakesmeburn
“Theyboughtit.”Hisroughwhisperfeelslikebeingdousedinicewater.Somethingabouthiscommentcausesatightballtoforminmychest,growinguntilitconsumesmyheart.
Hiswordsshouldn’thurt.Thisisaruseafterall,yettheacherefusestoabate.
Maybebecauseyouboughtittoo.
12
DECLAN
IfinditdifficulttotearmyeyesawayfromIrisaswewalkdowntheaisletowardtheexitofthechurch.Sheistheembodimentofeleganceandgrace,withhersmileasdazzlingasthenewdiamondbandonherfinger.Theringservesasareminderofherpromisetome.
Iwasn’tsureifwewouldevermakeittothispoint.Aftermyfailedengagement,Ithoughtwewouldhitasnag.ThatmaybeIriswouldwakeuponedayanddecidethiswasahugemistake.Butfinally,forthefirsttimeintwoweeks,Ifeelrelief.
Thepressureagainstmychestlessenswitheachstepawayfromthealtar.Withonepartofmyinheritancecomplete,IonlyhaveonemorestandinginmywayofbecomingCEO.
Makeitthroughtherestoftodaybeforeworryingaboutthat.
Itwistmyweddingringwithmythumb,testingthefeelofthemetalpressingagainstmyskin.Itdoesn’tfeelasoppressiveasIexpected.Irischoseasimplebandthatdrawslittleattentiontotheeye.Bothofourringsgetasinglemessageacross.
Married
Twoushersopenthedoors.Together,IrisandIwalkoutintothebrightsunlightoverhead.Oneofthephotographersstopsinfrontof
usandyellsoutournames.IwrapanarmaroundIris’swaistandpullheragainstme,ignoringthewayshetensesinmygrasp.
Herreactiondoesn’tsurpriseme,butitstillfrustratesme.Aftertheheatedkissweshared,Ithoughtshewouldhavegottenusedtomytouchbynow,butIwaswrong.Sheerectedanotherbarrierbetweenusinstead.Thedetachedlookonherfacehasmetestingboundaries.Iwanttorecreatethelookonherfacerightafterourkiss,beforetherealityofoursituationsetin.
Irunmyhanddownherback,tracingtherowofivorybuttons.
Shedoesnothingbutshootmeacoldsmilethatdoesn’treachhereyes.
Iabsolutelydespiseit.
“Tellmewhat’swrong,”Iwhisperinherearbeforetuckingastrandofhairbehindherear.
Herfakelaughgratesagainstmynerves.“Whywouldanythingbewrong?”
Igrimace.“Youdon’tlookhappy.”
“Unlikeyou,someofuscan’tfakeit24/7.”Hervoicecanbarelybeheardoveragustofwind.
“Whatareyoutalking—”
“Let’sgetaphotoofakissbeforetheylettheguestsout!”thephotographeryells.
IgrinatthenervouslaughIrisletsout.Theclickofthecameragoesoff,catchingthemoment.
“Ithinkthey’recomingoutnow,”Iriscallsout.
“Thenmakeitquick!”herepliesback
Ishouldn’tgiveintohisdemand,butI’minterestedinseeingifourkisswasaone-offoratestamenttoourchemistry.ThekissIsharedwithIrisinthechurchwaselectric.Thekindthatshouldn’tfeelasgoodasitdid,givenourcircumstance.
ThekindIamabouttorecreatewiththehopethatthebuzzIgotafterwasonlyaproductofachievingthefirsttaskofmyinheritance.
MyarmscurlaroundIris’sback,tuggingheragainstme.HerlipspartandhereyesshutasIleanforward.Sparksbreakoutacrossmyskinasourlipstouch,andliquidheatspreadsthroughmyveins.
Kissingherisaddictive.Thrilling.SodamnwrongIcan’thelpquestioningwhyitisn’tright.
She’syourassistant.
Inipatherbottomliptodistractmyselffromthethought.Shegasps,andIsuckupthesoundbeforeithasachancetobeheardbythephotographer.
You’repayinghertohaveyourchild.
Mykissturnsmorepunishing,andsheseemstorespondwelltomydesperation.Shegroansasherarmswraparoundmyneck.Herbouquetticklesmyskin,andI’msurroundedbythesmellofflowersandIris.
Thephotographercoughs.“Allright.Igottheshot.”
Realityhitsmelikeabucketoficewater,andIbreakawaybeforeItugIrisbackagainstmeandrepeatourkissformoreselfishpurposesthanaphoto.Ourkisswasn’tsomeflukeorahighIgotfromcompletingmygrandfather’srequest.It’sfarworsethanthat.
Irisblinksupatmewithdilatedeyes.
Sheisaffectedbyyoutoo.
Itshouldfillmewithsomerelieftoknowsheisequallystruggling,butI’mfartooconcernedaboutthefall-outofadiscoverylikethis.
BeforeIhaveachancetowrapmymindaroundwhatishappeningbetweenus,thedoorsbehindmeopen.Hundredsofguestspouroutofthechurch.Theygatherinacircle,suffocatingus.
IhatethewaytheybatteruswithcomplimentsalmostasmuchasIdespisethewaythecrowdgrowslargerbytheminute.
Irislatchesontomyhand.“Relax.Focusonme.”
That’smyissue.Ican’tfocusonanythingbuther.
Ican’tbearlookingatherforlongerthanafewseconds.Theurgetostealherawayfromthecrowdisdifficulttoignore,anditwouldn’ttakemuchformetocrack.
Rememberwhat’simportanthere.
IrisremainssilentaswearebothshuffledintotheMaybach.Ispendtheentirecarridetothereceptionlocationremindingmyselfofhowactingonmyattractionisnotpossible.Regardlessofthetwokissesweshared,nothingmattersmorethankeepingthings
professionalbetweenus.Wehavefartoomuchridingonourpositionstobegettinglostinafleetingattractiontooneanother.
MyfutureismoreimportantthansatisfyingsomemomentaryurgetokissIris.Ijustneedtokeeptellingmyselfthat.
Ihateweddings.They’reaclichéexcuseforpeopletodrinkalcoholonmytab,allwhilepretendingtheyactuallycareaboutmynewmarriage.Theydon’t.EveryoneissolelyherebecausenoonewouldbestupidenoughtoturndownaninvitationtowhatIrisdeemedtheweddingofthedecade
Unfortunatelyforme,Istillhavethreemorehourstogetthrough,includingcuttingacakerightnow.
Adifferentphotographerfromearliercallsoutforustolookatthecamera.“CanIgetashotofyoutwowiththecake?”
“Whydidweagreetosomanydamnphotos?”IfrownasIgrabthesilvercakecutterfromaserver’stray.
Irissmilesupatme.“Becausewearegoingtosharesnapshotswiththeworldtoprovejusthowmuchweloveoneanother.”
“Whyshouldtheycare?”
Shelaughs,andthebulbofthecameragoesoff.“Becauseyou’reafamousbillionairewhoisinthebusinessofsellingfairytales.”
Igroan.“Fameistemporary.”
“Soisdiscomfort,sogetusedtoit.”Shepressesherhandontopofminesowearebothgraspingontotheknife.
Beingnearheristhefurthestthingfromuncomfortable.Rather,thewarmthofhertouchsendsawaveofwantthroughme.Istepclosertohersowecanbothapproachthecake.
You’repathetic.Whathappenedtonotwantingtogetclosetopeople?
Ishakemyhead.I’mnottryingtogrowclosertoIris,butit’shardtoavoidherwheneveryonekeepspushingustogether.
“Declan,alittlemoresmilingplease?”
Iglareatthephotographer.
Hegapes.“Nevermind.”Hisflashgoesoff,catchingmemid-deathstare.
Irislaughs.“IneedthatonesenttomeASAP.”
Ishootheralook,andsheonlylaughsharder.Mychesttightensatthesound.Comparedtotheicydisplaysheputonearlierforourguests,itfeelsgoodtomakeherwarmbackuptome.
Andthisiswhyyouneedtostayawayfromher.Becausethisfeelinginyourchest?
Merde.
ThephotographersnapsanotherphotobeforeIdismisshim.Mymoodtakesaturnfortheworse,andIbarelypayIrisanyattentionaswecutthecake.Wegothroughallthemotions.ShefeedsmeandIfeedher.Afewpeoplegaspwhenshesmashesabitofcakeinmyface,andIreturnthefavorbyshovingaspoonfulofcakeintohermouthwhilesheismid-laugh.
Nothingaboutitisreal.I’mdetached,butnotenoughtomisstheflickerofhurtinhereyeswhenIabandonherforthebar.I’madickforleavinghertomanagethecrowdthatformedaroundus.Iknowitwitheveryfiberinme,justlikeIknowstickingaroundherisweakeningmyresolve.
Ididn’tmarryherforlove,money,oraffection.ImarriedherbecauseI’magreedyassholewhowillstopatnothingtogetwhatIwant,evenifitmeanssubjectinghertothesamefucked-uphappilyeverafterasme.Afewkissesandsometouchingisn’tgoingtochangeourdestiny,sowhypretendthisisanythingbutanarrangement?
It’sallforthebest.AtleastItellmyselfasmuchasIknockbackmyfirstdrinkofthenight.
Alcoholdoesn’tsolveanyone’sproblems.
Mystomachrolls.ThefeelinghasnothingtodowiththedrinkIburnedthroughandeverythingtodowiththeideaofusingalcoholtocope.Abartenderrushesovertofillmyglass,butIpushtheemptytumbleroutofreach.
You’renothim.
IstepawayfromthebarbeforeIdosomethingIwillregret.
13
IRIS
“Moreshots!”Rowan’sgirlfriend,Zahra,clutchesabottleoftequilainherhand.Shewobblesonherheels,andRowanswoopsintostabilizeher.
Mystomachdoesalittleflipatthelovinggesture.Watchingtheminteractisnauseating,withZahrasmilingupatRowanlikehehungthemoonforher.I’moddlyfascinatedbytheirinteractionsgivenmylimitedexposuretohappycouplesovertheyears.MaybethereissomehopeafterallifsomeoneasgrumpyandisolatedasRowancouldlookatawomanlikethat
Ishouldn’tbebitteratmyownweddingbutseeingasmyhusbandhasavoidedmeasmuchashumanlypossibleafterwecutthecake,I’mnotdoingtoowell.Somethingshiftedinhimeversincethechurch,andIcan’thelpbutwonderifitwasourkiss.
“Whatdidwesayabouttequila?”RowanplucksthebottleoutofZahra’shand.
“ThatweshouldnevertrustamannamedJose.”Shecrossesherarmswithapoutanddropsintothechairbesideme,makingthematerialofherdresspoofaroundher.
Rowan’schestshakesfromsilentlaughterashepullsupachairbesideZahra
Calgrabsthebottleandpourstequilaintofourshotglasses.“Youcan’tleaveaweddingsober.It’ssacrilegious.”
“Youwouldn’tknowthemeaningoftheword,”Rowanreplies.
“Mywedding,myrules!”IpassZahraashotglass.
“Whateverthebridesaysgoes.”Zahragrinsassheknocksbackhershot.SheleansintoRowanandwhisperssomethinginhisear.
Whatevershesayshashimswallowingthefirstshotbeforepouringhimselfasecondone.
Hetucksherhairbehindherearandwhisperssomethinginreturnthathashercheeksblushing.
Gross.Igrabmyglassandpullittomylips.Excepttherimnevertouchesmymouthbecauseit’sstolenstraightfrommyhand.
“Ithinkyou’vehadenough.”Declan’sroughvoicedoessomethingtomyheartrate.
CalwavesthetequilabottleinDeclan’sdirection.“Comeon.Sitdownwithusandhaveacelebratoryshot.”
DeclanshootsCalascathinglook.“Ithinkyou’vedoneenoughcelebrating.”
“She’sabiggirl.Ifshewantstodrinkonherweddingnight,it’sherchoice.”
“She’srighthere.”Istandonmytwofeet.Theroomspinsaroundme,andIgrabthebackofmychairtocatchmyself.“I’mfine.Stopfussingoverme.”
“YousmelllikespringbreakinMexico.”
Somethingabouthiscommenthasmemufflingmylaughwithashakypalm.
Hislipspulldownintoafrown.ItakeafewwobblystepstowardhimbeforeclutchingontohistuxsoIdon’tfallover.Iuseonehandtopushthecornerofhisscowlupintoasmile.“There.Allbetter.”
“We’regoinghome.”Declan’sarmwrapsaroundme.Themoveremindsmeofourkissinthechurch,whichonlymakesmycheekshotunderneathapoundofmakeup.
Ipout.“Butwhy?”
“You’reintoxicated.”
“It’sawedding!Ourwedding!”IstruggletofocusonDeclan’sthreeheads.“Hey,whyaren’tyoudrunk?”
Histhreeheadsmergeintooneangryversion.“Becauseoneofushassomeself-control,”hesnaps.
“It’sallCal’sfault!”Iblurtout
“Hey!”Calthrowshisarmsup.
“Hedidstealabottlefromthebar.Isawhimtakeitmyself,”
Rowanbacksmeup.
DeclanpointsatRowan.“Don’tgetmestartedonyou.”
ThewaythethreeoftheminteracthasmeraisingabrowinZahra’sdirection.“See.Itoldyoutheynevergetalong.”
Zahrasmiles.“Yet.”
“Ilikeheralready,”Isayaloudinsteadofinmyhead.
“Let’sgo,”Declansnaps.
“Don’tforgettotextme!Iwantallthedetails,”Zahrayells.
Ithrowherathumbs-upovermyshoulder.TurnsoutsheistheonlyotherpersonbesidesCalandRowanwhoknowsaboutthewholesham.NotthatIwouldtellDeclan.I’mprettysurehewouldmurderRowanforriskingourbigsecretlikethat.
Declansteersmetowardtheexitoftheballroom.
“Wait!”theweddingplanneryells.“Youcan’tgoyet!Wehaven’teventossedthebouquet!”
Declanletsoutthelongestsighever.Mychestvibratesfromwithheldlaughter.
Heturnsmetowardhim.“What’ssofunnyaboutthis?”
“Youhateeverysecondofthis.”
“Arewegettingoffoneachother’sdispleasurenow?”
“Likeyou’reonetojudge.That’syourfavoritekindofforeplay.”
Hisreddenedcheeksmakemesmile.
OnepointforTeamIris.
TatihastheDJrequestforalltheladiestogatheraroundonthedancefloorforthebouquettoss.Declanholdsontomeasifhe’sscaredImighttoppleoverduetomyunsteadiness.Iimagineheonlydoessobecausehewantstomakesurepeoplebuyourmarriage.
Somuchforforgettingaboutwhathesaidinthechurch.
Mymompassesmethebouquetwithaknowingsmile.“Iwasholdingontoitforyou.”
“You’rethebestestmominthewholewideworld.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Takecareofmygirl,Declan.Trytogethertosleepbeforesheentersthedrunkcryingphase.”
“Tellmeshe’sjoking,”heordersasmymomwalksaway.
Igiggle.
“Fuckme.”
Ipathischeek.“Onlyinyourdreams,sweethusbandofmine.”
“Didyouburnoffallyourbraincellstonight?”
“Comeon!”awomanyells.“Getonwithit,youtwo!”
Iturnaround,givingthecrowdmyback
“One.Two.Three!”Ilaunchthebouquetovermyhead.
Iturnonmyheelsandalmostslipfromtherush,onlyforDeclantocatchmeandpullmeintohisfirmchest.
Firmchest?Ugh.Maybeyouaredrunkafterall.
Thebouquetlandsinsomeone’sopenarmswithaslap.Idon’trecognizethewomanwhocaughtit,butthecrowdaroundhersquealsastheytrytolatchontomybouquetwithgreedyhands.
“Finally.”DeclanmovesustowardthedoorbeforetheDJ
announcesDeclan’sturnwiththegarterbelt.
Ohshit.
“You’vegottobefuckingkiddingme.”
Ibristleashesqueezesmyhip.Calslapsahundred-dollarbillintheDJ’shandasRowandragsachairouttothemiddleofthedancefloor.
Calwaltzesovertohelpmeintothechair,beingmindfulofthelayersoflaceandtulleswirlingaroundmelikeaparachute.
“Careful,Iris,yourhusbandbites.”
Anunobservableblushspreadsfrommyheadtomytoes.
“Ihateyouboth.”Declan’seyesmovebackandforthbetweenCalandRowan.
Oncue,theDJplaysthemostsensualsongknowntoman.Mytummyhasathousandlittlechampagnebubblespoppingalongtothebeat,allwhilemyheartratepicksupspeed.
Declanbendsakneeandsettlesintoacomfortablepositioninfrontofme.Hislefthandshakesagainbeforehefistsit,justlikeitdidwheneveryonewatchedusslowdanceearlier.
Turnsoutheishumanafterall.
Itughimoutofhisnervousthoughts.
“Youlookgoodonyourknees,Mr.Kane.”
“Trytonotletitgettoyourhead.”ThecornersofhislipstwitchintothatusualDeclansmile.Aflashofacameragoesoff,catchingthemoment.
Hishandtouchesmycoveredthigh,barelyleavingadentfromthelayersofmaterial.“Thisiswrong,”hemutters.
“You’reright.Ifeelabsolutelyscandalized,”Ispeakinanoff-keyBritishaccent.
HisheadshakesasanoisethatIinterpretasalaughbreaksfreefromhim.“You’resodrunk.”
“No.I’mbuzzed.”
“What’sthesquarerootof64?”
“Eight,fuckyouverymuch.”
Heshrugs.“Soberenough.”
“Forwhat?”
Hedoesn’treplyasheliftsthefabricofmydresseversocarefullysonoonecatchesaglimpseofmedownthere.Mylungssqueeze,tryingtotakeinoxygenasDeclandisappearsundermygown.
“Remember,nohands!”Calcallsout,andthecrowdhootsandhollers.DeclanpopsablindarmoutandflipshismiddlefingerinCal’sgeneraldirection.Afewpeoplelaughwhileothersgasp,probablyasshockedasmeatDeclan’sraredisplayoffeelings.
Itunethemallout,focusingontheheightenedexperience.ThescrapeofDeclan’sstubbleagainstmycalf.Thebrushofhishairontheinsideofmythighsashepartsthemwithhishead.Thefeelofhisteethgrazingtheskinaroundthegarter,accompaniedbythepressofhissoftlipsasheclampsdownaroundthefrillypieceoflace.
Ishiver,andavibrationofhisthroattellsmeDeclannoticedandlaughed
Ihatehim.Ihatemyhusbandsomuch,heisluckyIdon’tchokehimwiththedamnthingoncehecomesbackupforair.
Declandragsthegarterbeltdownmyleg.Hepullsoutfromunderneathmyskirtwiththestripofwhitelacestuckbetweenhisteeth.Withanangryyank,hetugsthematerialfromhismouthandlaunchesitintheairwithoutsparingitasecondglance
“Enjoyyourevening,everyone.”Declandoesn’tbotherhelpingmeupfromthechair.Heswoopsmeoutoftheseatandcradlesme,fullbridalstyle,addingtothecrowd’sexcitement.
Itaponhisshoulder.“Umm,Declan?”
“What?”Hiseyessoften.
“You’resupposedtocarrymeintothehouse,notoutofhere.”
HesighslikeI’mthebiggestinconvenienceintheworld.“Youcouldn’twalkastraightlineoutthedoorinflats,letaloneinthoseshoes.”
“Hmm.”
Hisbrowspulltogether.“What?”
“Maybeyoucareaboutmeafterall.”
“That’sthealcoholtalking.”
Isigh.“Josedoeshaveawaywithwords.”
Hisarmstightenaroundme.“WhothefuckisJose?”
Igrinintothelapelofhisjacket.“Nobodyimportant.”
“Good,thenatleastnoonewillmisshimwhenhe’sdead.”
OnemightthinkDeclanwouldsoftenabittowardmenowthatIamofficiallyhiswife.
Wrong.
ThemomentHarrisonpullsupintheMaybach,Declanallbutthrowsmeinthebackseat.Idropintothequiltedleatherwithanoomph,andthematerialofmydressfansaroundmelikeacloud.
“Woulditkillyoutobegentle?”Ipeekupathim.
Declanignoresmeasheshutsthedoorinmyface.I’malmostpositivesomeofmydresshangsoutside,caughtinthedoorjamb.
“I’lltakethatasayes,”Igrumble
HiselderlydrivernearlytripsoverhisfeettobeatDeclantohisdoor.PoorHarrisonisprobablyafraidtolosehisjobbasedonthescarylookonDeclan’sface.NotthatIblamehim.
Butwhattriggeredhisanger?Declandoesn’tsparemeanotherglanceashetakesaseat,whichonlyaddstotheweightpressingagainstmychest.
“You’reactinglikeachild.”
Crickets.
“Areyoujustgoingtoignoremethewholetime?”
TheonlyreplyIgetistherevvingoftheengineasDeclan’sdrivertakesoff.
“Fine.”Igotomessaroundwiththedialtoplaysomemusic,butDeclanshootsmealookthathasmepullingmyhandback.
Afterawholefiveminutesofsilence,mytequila-riddledbraingivesin.
“Iforgothowfunaweddingcouldbe.It’sbeenyearssinceIwenttoone.”
Declanremainssilentashecontinuesscrollingthroughhisphone.
“ItwasnicetomeetRowan’sgirlfriend.She’ssweet.”
Hishandholdingthephonetightens.Hmm.Interesting.
“Idon’tknowwhyyoudon’tlikeher.It’snotherfaultRowanchoseDreamlandoverbecomingCFO.Youshouldgiveherafairshotatleast.”
Theticinhisjawmakesanotherappearance,yethedoesn’tbotherlookingatme.Comeon.Givemesomethingtoworkwith
“Theyinvitedusouttodinnertomorrownightandsincewearen’tgoingonahoneymo—”
Declan’sheadsnapsup.“Wearenotgoingtodinnerwiththem.”
“Butyou’vebarelyspokentoRowansincehedecidedtostayinDreamland.Ithinkitwouldbenicetospendsometimewiththemwhilethey’reintown—”
“Idon’tpayyoutobeconcernedoverfamilymatters.”
Iclenchafistfulofmydress.“LuckyforyouI’mdoingthisforfree.”
Hiseyesreturntothescreenofhisphone.“Don’tbother.I’mnotgoingtodinnerwithRowanandhisgirlfriend.”
“Zahra.HernameisZahra.”
“Hernameisasirrelevantasherrelationshipiswithmybrother.”
Ican’tremovethehorrificlookoffmyface.“God,yourabilitytoholdagrudgeisterrifying.”
“Consideritalessontonotgetonmybadside.”
“Latelyit’sstartingtofeellikeeverysideisyourbadside.”
“Whoknewhavingawifewouldbethisgoodformyego?”Hisvoicetakesonasarcastictone.
“It’sawife’sjobtocallyououtonyourbullshitbecausetherestoftheworldsureashellwon’t.Notwhenthey’retooafraidtospeakuparoundyou.”
“Whatpartofwe’renotarealcoupledoyoufinddifficulttounderstand?”
Mychesttightens.IthoughtDeclanandIwerefallingintoacomfortablefriendship,buthismoodtonighthasmequestioningifhewasonlyentertainingmesoIwouldn’tbackoutofourarrangement.
Hiswordsfromthenightofourengagementcomebacktohauntme.ThereisnothingIwon’tdotoearnmyinheritance.Rememberthatwhenyouforgetthisisonlyagametome.
Isthatwhatthisallwas?Agame?Nowthathegothisway,there’snoreasontoplayanymore.Theideacausesaweirdacheinmychest,rightabovemyheart.
Iswallowpastthelumpinmythroat.There’snoonetoblamebutmyself.Declanwasalwaysclearabouthisintentions,andIstupidlyreadintoourrelationshipallwrong.
Whydoyoucareinthefirstplace?Thisisn’tevenreal.
Becausemaybesomewherealongtheway,Iforgotthatallofthiswasalie.
Idon’tspeaktoDeclanfortheremainderofthedrive.Ifignoringeachotherwasasport,wewouldbothbeteamcaptainswiththewayneitheroneofusspeaks.
OnceHarrisonparksthecar,Ifightmywaypastpoundsoftulleandlaceandexitwithasmuchgraceasanewbornhorse.
“Iris,”Declancallsafterme.
Idon’tturnaround.I’mtooafraidthatallmyemotionswillbewrittenclearasdayacrossmyface.“I’mgoingtobed.”
“Youforgotyourpurse.”
TheurgetostompmyfoothitsmebutIrefrain.“Right.”Stupidpurse.IknewIshouldhavegonewiththeweddingdressthathadpockets.
Iturnback,avoidinghiseyesasIpullopenthedoorandsearchtheemptybackseat.
“Here.”Hischestpressesagainstmyspineashetrapsmebetweenthecarandhisbody.Iturn,attemptingtoavoidskin-to-skincontactandfail.Thefrontofhistuxbrushesagainstmybodice,sendingarippleofheatthroughme.
Heoffersmyclutch.TheglitteryMrs.Kaneshinesunderneaththeoverheadlights,lookingjustashorrendousasthedaytheweddingplannergiftedmetheaccessory.BasedontheexpressiononDeclan’sface,heequallydislikesthewayhisnameisflauntedlikeashowpony.Imightnothaveexperiencedthesameissuesashimgrowingup,butI’mstartingtounderstandhimabitmore.Basedonthewaypeopletreatedmeatthewedding,becomingaKanefeelslikeanopeninvitationforcloutchasersandcareerclimberstohaveatme.
Istaredownattheclutch,whichservesasareminderofmyduty.
OfthepromiseImadetoDeclantostandbyhimnomatterwhat.
Nomatterhowmuchheschemestogethisway.
“Doyoumind?”Igestureforhimtomoveback.
Hestepsoutoftheway.Iattempttomakemyescape,onlytobeheldbackbyDeclangrippingontomyelbow.Hisholddoesn’thurt,butitspeaksasilentrequest.
Stay
Butwhy?
“Yes?”Iask.
“Isitthatbad?”
Ilookupathim.“What?”
“Theideaofbecomingmywife.”
Iswear,theriseandfallofhismoodstonightisdrivingmeinsane.
“Andyoucareaboutmyopinionallofasudden?I’mnotsureyoupaymeenoughforthatkindofservice.”
Hisjawclenches.“Answerthequestion.”
“No.”
“Mustyoualwaysbethisimpossible?”
“Idon’tknow.Mustyoualwaysactlikeanasshole?”
“It’snotanact.”
Irearback,rippingmyelbowfromhisgrasp.“Trustme.Itmighthavetakenmemuchlongerthanothers,butIfinallyunderstandwhyeveryonecallsyouthat.”
Hislongblinkspeaksforitself.“What?”
“Thewayyoutreatedmetonight—onourweddingnightnoless
—isunacceptable.ButIguessyoucouldn’tcarelessabouthoworwhenyouhurtotherpeople’sfeelings,aslongasyougetyourway.”
“WhatIsaidinthecar—”
Iholdupmyhand.“Don’tworryaboutit.It’smyfaultforsettingunrealisticexpectationsaboutusinthefirstplace.”
Hiseyesnarroweversoslightly.
Ikeepgoing,wantingtocleartheaironceandforall.“Ineverdidallofthisforlove.Obviously.”Anawkwardlaughforcesitswayoutofme.“IonlywantedtohelpyoubecauseIthoughtwewerefriends.Andyes,beforeyousayyouneverwantedtobemyfriend,I’mawareitwasprobablystupidtothinkthat.I’vesincelearnedmylesson.”
Heopenshismouth,butIcuthimoff.“IrealizeIdon’twanttobeyourfriendeither.Becausegettingclosetoyoumeansquestioningyourmotivesabouteverything,andfrankly,that’swaytoomucheffortforsomeonewhodoesn’tseemtolikemeinthefirstplace.”
14
IRIS
Iholdmyheaduphightheentirewalktowardmybedroom.RatherthanfeelunsettledfrommyconversationwithDeclan,I’mhitwithawaveofcalmness.Itseemslikewearefinallybacktowherewestoodwithoneanotherbeforeourwhirlwindengagement.Sure,acaketastingandafamilydinnermighthavebeenafunchangeofpaceforus,butthat’sallitwas.
Ashowforthemasses—kindoflikeaRoyalTour.
Ittakesmeawholetwentyminutestoundohoursofhairandmakeup.Imighthaverippedoffhalfmyeyelashesfromlashglue,butit’sasmallpricetopayforfinallyfeelinglikemyselfagain.
BythetimeIgettoremovingmydress,Ialmostthrowoutmybacktryingtoundothevintagebuttonsliningmyspine.
“Motherfucker.”IgruntasItwistandturninfrontofafull-lengthmirror.Nothingworks,andI’mstuckstaringatmyreflectionwithmyhandsonmyhips.
There’snowayyou’regettingoutofthisdressbyyourself.IletoutaresignedsighasIswallowmyprideandexitmyroom.
MyfistknockingagainstDeclan’sdoorechoesoffthetallceilings.Istandthere,waitingforhimtoopenup.Thepressureinmychestbuildsastimeticksby.Tensecondsturnsintothirty,andbeforeIknowit,I’mknockingagain.“Declan!Ineedyourhelp!”
Well,thathurtstoadmit.Ifhewassleeping,hesureisn’tnow.ThejangleofthedoorknobgivesmehopethatIwon’tneedtofallasleepinmyweddingdresstonight.
Nowthat’sadepressingthought.
WhenDeclanopensthedoor,Iwanttorunintheoppositedirection.MyheartrategoesfromsteadytorapidatthesightofDeclan’smuscular,nakedchestonfulldisplay.
Ichokeonmynextinhaleofbreath.
Waterdropletstrickledowninchesofpalemusclebeforedisappearingintoawhitetowelwrappedaroundhisnarrowwaist.
HehasV-cutabdominalmusclesthatpointlikeanarrowtoanareaIsureashellshouldnotbethinkingaboutrightnow.AnareathatonlyprovesDeclaniswell-endowedevenwhennotaroused.
Warmthpoolsdeepinmybelly.Myeyesgivehimanotheronce-over,andmyhandsitchtoreachoutandtracetheslabofmusclealsoknownashisstomach.
Thiscan’tbehappeningtome.Myeyessnapuptowardhisface,hopinghemissedmytemporarylapseofsanity.
Heraisesabrowatmeinsilentanticipation.
OhmyGod.Heknowsthatyoulikewhatyousee.
Itrytothinkuparesponse,butmythroatfeelsdrysuddenly.
“Youwantedmyhelp?”Hestopsinfrontofme.
Hishelp!Right!
“Ican’treachthebuttons.”MyvoiceisfarbreathierthanI’mproudof.Givenourargumentinthecar,Icouldatleastpretendtobedisgruntledinhispresence.
Declancirclesaroundmelikeapredator.Hismusclesshiftwitheachstep,andI’msurprisedmytonguedoesn’trolloutofmymouthlikeadogasIpantafterhim.
Hedragsmywildhairovermyshoulder,andgoosebumpsspreadacrossmyskin.
Thatshouldnotbehappening.
Anyonewitheyeswouldbeattractedtoasetofabs.It’sevolutionbeckoningustochooseamatewhocanprovideforus.
Providewhat?Endlessstaminaandorgasms?Ireply.
“Therehavetobeahundredofthem.”Hetugsmeoutofmythoughts,andforthat,Iameternallygrateful.
AlaughescapesmebeforeIhaveachancetostopit.“HundredandtwentyaccordingtoNana.”
Hegrunts.“ComeinsidesoIcanseethembetterinthelight.”
Theinvitationisinnocent,butmybodydoesn’tseemtogetthememoasDeclanushersmeintohisroomandtowardthelightonhisnightstand.
“Letmegoputsomeclotheson.”
Pleasedon’t.
WhateverexpressionIhaveonmyfacemakesthecornersofhislipslift.
“I’llbebackinasecond.”Hewalkstowardhiscloset,onlytolookoverhisshoulderatthelastsecond.
Mycheeksburnfrombeingcaughtoglinghim.
Heraisesabrow.“It’srudetostare.”
“Thendon’twalkaroundnakedtobeginwith.Problemsolved.”
Attagirl.
Heshakeshisheadandentershisclosetwithoutsparingmeanotherglance.
Itakeamomenttoobservethepersonalobjectsonhisnightstand.AworncopyofTheGreatGatsbyhasfivedifferentstickynotesprotrudingfromtheyellowedpages,neatlylinedupnexttoaremotecontrolforhisTV.MyeyeswidenatthesmallcactusIboughthimtwoyearsagoasaChristmasgift.
“OhmyGod.It’sstillalive?”Ireachoutandgrabthetinydon’tbeaprickpot.
“Icanmanagetotakecareofacactus.”
Istartleatthesoundofhisvoice.“Butit’sbeentwoyears!”Andhekeepsitonhisnightstand.Idon’thavethenervetoaskhimwhythatis,althoughtheurgeridesmehard.
Heshutsmeupbytracingafingerdownthebaseofmyspine,rightbesidethehundredivorybuttons.Thepotinmyhandtremblesashishotbreathhitsthebackofmyneck.Myskinpricklesinresponse,andIplacethepotdowninordertohidethewaymyhandsshakefromhisproximity.
Hestartswiththetopbutton,onlytofumble.Hisfrustratedgruntmakesmelaugh.
“Youthinkthisisfunny?”
Igiggleagainasheslipsagain.
“Myhandsaretoobig.”
Irollmyeyes.“Ofcoursetheyare.”
“I’mnotjoking.”
Ishoothimaglareovermyshoulder.“Well,weneedtofigureitoutbecauseIcan’tsleepinthis.”
“WhatifIcutyououtofit?”
“No!”Thegowncostfifty-thousanddollars.Ican’timagineruiningitjustbecauseDeclanandhishulk-likehandscan’tmanagesomemeaslybuttons.
Hesighsashetriesonelasttimeandfails.“Scissorsoraknife?”
“You’rejoking.”
“WouldyoupreferIripitapart?”
“Absolutelynot!”Ipushback,forcinghimtogivemesomeroom.“I’llbeback.”
Iheadtomybedroom,openaboxlabeledgardeningsupplies,andpulloutapairofshears.Theystillhavealittlebitofdirtonthem,butitdoesn’tmatter.It’snotlikeI’llbewearingthisdresseveragain,althoughtheoptiontodonateitisnotcompletelyoffthetable.
“StupidDeclanandhismassivepawsforhands,”IgrumbleundermybreathasIwalkbackintohisroom.
“Here.”Ishovetheshearsagainsthischest.
Helooksdownatthem.“ThisisnothowIexpectedtonightwouldgo.”
“Disappointed?”
“Amused.”
Oureyeslock,andsomethingpassesbetweenus.Onelooksendssparksacrossmyskinandmyheartintocardiacarrest.It’sasifouroutburstinthegarageneverhappened.WhileIwanttobeannoyedatmyself,Ican’thelpitwhenitcomestohim.Hemightbeanasshole,butIknewwhatIwassigningupforwhenImarriedhim.
“Getonwithit.”Iturnagainandholdontomyhairbeforehehasachancetomoveitforme.Thelesscontactwehave,thebetter.
I’malreadyfeelingweaktonightasitis.
Hegripsontothelacecollarofmydress.“Don’tmoveaninch.”
Thecoldbrushofmetalagainstthebaseofmyneckhasmesuckinginabreath
Iwouldn’tdare.Notwiththewaymylegsarethreateningtogiveoutatanymoment.
Thesoundofshearscuttingthroughlacesendsanotherroundofgoosebumpsacrossmyarms.Chillyairhitstheskinatthetopofmyspine,andIpressthefrontofmydressagainstmychesttopreventitfromfallingatmyfeet.
Declancutsthroughthefabricslowerthannecessary,andthebluntsideoftheshearsbrushesmybackwitheachsnip.
“Almostdone.”Hisvoiceisfarhuskierthanusual.
Withafewlastcuts,myentirebackisondisplayforhim.Hechuckstheshearsonthebedoncethejobisdone.Neitheroneofusmoves,andmyanxietygrowswitheachsecondthatpasses.Ilookovermyshouldertofindhimstaringatmybarebacklikeapuzzlehecan’tsolve.
“Thanks.”Iattempttotakeastepawayfromhim,onlytostopwhenhishandreachesoutandskatesacrossmyspine.Myheartpoundsagainstmychest,threateningtojumpoutashestopsrightabovemylacythong.Lustslamsintomelikeafisttotheface.Ican’thelpchokingonmygaspashetracestheedgeofmyunderwear.Hisfingersbrushacrossmygoosebumps,andIsuckinadeepbreath.
Hetugs,andawhitelongstringsnaps.“Thiswasbotheringme.”
Iwatchwithhorrorasthethreadfallsbyhisbarefeet.OfcoursewhileIwaslustingafterhistouch,hewasthinkingaboutafuckingstring.It’shorrifyingtothinkIwantedhimtobeattractedtome.
TonightisthefinalwakeupcallIneeded.Nomatterhowmybodymightreacttohistouch,it’sonlythat.Areactionofchemicalsrespondingtopheromones.Nothingbutnaturalselectiondoingitsthing,pushingmetomatewiththeworstpartnerontheplanet,solelybecausehe’shotandavailable.
Irefusetoletmyselffallforhistouchagain.Becausenexttime,theremightnotbeastringthatsnapsmeoutofmakingaterribledecision
15
DECLAN
Iactedlikeadicklastnightforamultitudeofreasons.ThewayIpresentedmyselfatmyweddingwasthefirstmisstepinaseriesofregrets,allbecauseIcouldn’tgetahandleonmyfeelings.Afteralltheseyears,onewouldthinkIwouldhavemasteredtheartofnotgivingafuck.It’sdisappointingtoknowallittookwasIrisinaweddingdresstoruinallmyhardwork.
Youwon’tbemakingthatmistakeagain
NotifIcanhelpit.Istayedupfartoolatelastnightgoingovermynewapproachtowardourfakemarriage.Whateverhappenedonourweddingnightisinthepast.Fromnowon,wewillbemorecarefultoavoidputtingourselvesinsituationsthatcouldleadtodisastrousconsequences.
Likeyouopeningthedoorinatowel,knowingshewasontheotherside?
Exactly.Notmysmartestmove,butIwon’tmakethesamemistaketwice.
Iknockonherbedroomdoorwithmyfreehand.Sheyellssomethingindecipherablewitharaspyvoice,soIrapmyknucklesagainstthewoodagain.Athudthatsoundsoddlylikeapillowslammingagainstthedoormakesmesmiletomyself.
Irismightbemanygoodthings,butamorningpersonsheisnot.
Iclearmythroat.“Iwasoutonmyrunandgrabbedyousomecoffee.”
“FromJoe’s?”
Itiseeriehowsheknowsthat.“Yes.”
“Frenchvanillawithwholemilk?”
Myteethgrindtogether.“Obviously.”
Hermuffledmoanthroughthedoorsendsacurrentofenergydownmyspine.“Andextrawhippedcream?”
Isigh.“Openyourdoorandfindout.”
Herlaughtricklesthroughthecracksofthedoorinthesamewayitseepsthroughmychest.Iwaitawholetwominuteswhileshedoeswhoknowswhatinsideofherroom.Shefinallyopensitup,revealingred-rimmedeyesaccentuatedbysmearedmascara.Itshouldn’tstirupanykindofinterestonmyend,butthewaymybloodheatsatherfadedT-shirtdraggingacrosshermid-thighmakesmequestionmysanity.Itrequiresanunbearableamountofefforttoturnmygazeawayfromherthighs.Itakemytimemakingittoherface,easilybecomingdistractedbytheswellofherbreastspressedagainstthefabricofherT-shirt.
Snapoutofit.
“Here.”Iholdouthercoffeelikeitcarriesaninfectiousdisease.
Ourfingersbrush,sendingthefaintestbuzzacrossmyskin.
Hereyessnapuptomyfacebeforeshefocusesonthecoffeecup.
“Thanksfortheapologydrink.”
“Thatisn’twhatthisis.”
“Okay.Sure.Whateverhelpskeepyourfragilemasculinityintact.”Thesighshemakesasshetakesasipgoesstraighttomycock.
“I’llbetakingthatbacknow…”Iattempttostealthecup,butshegraspsitwithanirongrip.
“Don’tyouthinkaboutit!ThishastobethebestthingI’veeverwokenupto.”
“Iseewhyyourpastrelationshipsfailed.”ThewordsslipoutofmymouthbeforeIhaveachancetothink.
Shit,Declan.Wherethehelldidthatcomefrom?
Ididn’tmeanforittoslipout.
Saywhatyoucameheretosayandgetthehelloutofhere.
“Didyoujustmakeajabatmysexlife?”Hervoicehasalethalqualitytoit.
NowayinhellamItouchingthatcomment.Ipressmylipstogethertoavoidsayinganythingelse.
Thenyoushouldn’thavesaidanythinginthefirstplace.
Hergazehardens.“Ithinkit’stimewesetsomegroundrules.”
“Rules,”Irepeatbackinadrytone.
“Yes.Rules.Yourememberoursright?”
“Ihaveavaguerecollection.”
Hersmilecouldbringamantohisknees.“Let’sreview.Everylook.”Shedragshereyesacrossmybodylikeaphantomtouch,burningmyskinintheirwake.“Everytouch.”Itonlytakesasinglefingerofhersbrushingacrossmycheektobeckonmeforwardlikeamanstarvedforattention.“Everykiss.”Thistime,shegripsmychinroughly,tuggingmyheaddown.Herlipsbrushthecornerofmine.
It’sanexactreplicaofmykissatourengagementparty,yetthisoneelicitsawholedifferentreactionfromme.“Isnothingbutalie.”
I’mrocksolidbeneathmyrunningshorts.Iclearmythroat,blinkingawaythearousalinmyeyesbeforeshecatcheson.
Somuchforbeingonthesamepage.
“Fine.Iconcede.Notalkofexes.”Ihavenoneworthyoftalkingaboutandhersareexactlywheretheybelong.
Inthepast.
“Great.Gladweareinagreementonthat.”Shesipsherdrink.
“Asentertainingasthisconversationhasbeen,Ihavethingstodo.”
Sheraisesherbrow.“Thenwhyareyouhere?Withcoffee?”
“BecauseIneedtotalktoyouaboutyesterday.”
“Whichpart?”
“Allofit.”
“Well,then.Goahead.”Shetakesasipofherdrinkwhilescanningmyfaceforemotions.
Shewon’tfindany.I’vemadesureofit.
Istartwiththehardestsubjectfirst.“Ourkiss…”
“Kisses.Asinplural.Bothofwhichyouinstigated,justtosettherecordstraight.”
MyskinburnshotundermyT-shirt.“Kisses.Asinneverhappeningagain.”
Shesmiles.“Fine.Youwon’thearanyobjectionsfromme.”
Fine?Iatleastexpectedhertoputupabitofafight.Basedonthewayshelookedatmelastnight,Ithoughtshewoulddosomethingotherthanstareatmewithasmugsmile.
Maybeyoureadherwrong.
“Whilekissingyouwasanecessaryevilforthepublic,wenolongerneedtopretendtobeattractedtoeachother.”
Somethingflashesinhereyesbeforesherecovers.“Good.Godforbidyouactuallyhavetopretendtobeintome.”
Itwasashittyyeteffectivethingtosay.Mywordsdotheirdamage,justlikethey’resupposedto.It’sforthebest.ThewayIwascompelledtotouchherlastnight,withoutasinglepersonwatchingus,saysenough.
“Well,nowthatweclearedtheair,I’mgoingtogoenjoymycoffee.”Sheproceedstoslamthedooronmyface.
Ifthisisaglimpseintowhatmarriageislike,Iseewhyourdivorceratesareshit.I’llbeluckyifIdon’tbecomesomenationalstatisticbeforeourtimeisup.
Iknewmyfatherwantingtomeetwithmeforlunchwasatrap,yetIwillinglywentalongwithhisinvitationanyway.AfterhisconversationwithIris,I’minterestedindeterminingjusthowmuchofaproblemheisgoingtobeforme.MyintuitiontellsmenothingaboutmybattlefortheCEOpositionwillbeeasy.
Myfather’sbrowneyesswingfromthemenutomyface.“Anyhoneymoonplans?”
“Noneedtoactlikeyoucareonmyaccount.”
Hesighs.“I’msimplymakingsmalltalk.”
Bullshit.Everyquestionheasksandallthestatementshemakesalwayshaveanulteriormotive.Becauseofhim,Ibecameanexpertinreadingbetweenthelines.
“IrisandIareleavingonFriday.”Atleastnowweare.Idon’tcarewhatthedestinationmightbe,solongaswegosomewhere.
“Whataboutthequarterlybudgetmeeting?”
“I’msureyoucanhandlereviewingmyreportswithoutme.Ionlygetonehoneymoonafterall.”Thecornersofmylipsthreatentorise.
“Youseemtofindasolutionforeverything.”
Idon’tmissthedoublemeaningbehindhiswords.“Ihadalotofpracticepickingupaftersomeone’smessesovertheyears.”
“Doyouevenpretendtolikemeanymore?”
“Ifindittobeawastedeffort.YouhatemeandIhateyou,sowhybotheractingotherwise?”
Hedarestofakehisdispleasure.“Idon’thateyou.”
“Ifindthathardtobelievegivenourpast.”OneIwillneverforget,solongasIlive.
“ThisisexactlywhyIrespectyoumorethanyourbrothers.
UnlikeCalorRowan,youaren’tafraidtospeakyourmind.”
“Webothhavetwoverydifferentdefinitionsofrespect.”
“Regardless,Ifindyoureffortsadmirable.It’swhyIconsideryouathreattobeginwith.”
“YetIcan’tsaythesameaboutyou.”
Hechuckles.“IthoughtItaughtyoubetterthantounderestimateyourenemy.”
“Please.Ifanything,Igiveyoutoomuchcredit.”
“Youmightbesmart,butyouletyourneedforrevengeblindyourabilitytothinkclearly.Whyelsewouldyoumarryyourassistantofallpeople?EvenIdidn’tthinkyouwerethatdesperateforyourinheritance.”
Somethingsnapsinsideofme.“TalkaboutherlikethatagainandIswearI’llmakeyourlasttwelvemonthsasCEOabsolutelymiserable.”
Icanworkwithhimoragainsthim.Forthesakeofthecompany,I’vebeenwillingtodothefirstoption,butifhecontinuestoinsult
Iris,allbetsareoff.Shehasprovenherselfloyaltimeandtimeagain,sotheleastIcandoisdefendherfromscumlikehim.
Whateverexpressionheseesonmyfacedrawsadeepchucklefromhim
“Don’ttellmeyouactuallycareabouther?”
Imakeanefforttokeepmygazeblankandwithdrawn.
Heslowlyshakeshishead.“TothinkIconsideredyoumysmartestson.Whatadisappointment.”
“Isthereapointtothisconversationordoyousolelyspeaktohearthesoundofyourownvoice?”
“I’msureyou’reawareofwhyIaskedyoutocomehere.”Hismalicioussmileputsmeonalert.
“Youmighthavetoexplainyourselfgivenhowdisappointingyoufindmyintelligencetobe.”
“Considerthisawarningfromfathertoson.”
“About?”
“Yourgrandfathermighthaveprovidedyouwithanopportunitytousurpme,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouwillbesuccessful.Idon’tplanonsteppingdownwithoutafight.”
“It’llmakemyvictoryallthesweeter.”
Heraiseshisglassofwater.“LetthebestKanewin.”
Itapminetohis.“Healreadydid.”
“Ineedyoutobookatrip.”IstopatIris’sdesk.Afterspendingtheentiredrivethinkingovermyfather’sconversation,Icametooneconclusion.
Ineedtocommittomyroleasadotinghusband—honeymoonincluded.
Irislooksupfromherdesktopwithapinchedexpression.“ToTokyo?”
“No.Pickaplace.AnyplacewithrunningwaterandWi-Fi.”
Shelooksaroundtheroomandunderherdesk.
“Searchingforahiddencamera?”
Thefaintestsmilecrossesherlips.“Eitherthatorawiretap.Justtobeclear,IhavenevernorwillIevertakedrugs.WhatevergreensubstanceyoumightfindinmyroomisdefinitelyCal’s.”
“Funny,”Ireplydryly.
“Doyoueverlaugh?”sheasks.
“OnlywhenImakepeoplecry.”
Herfacecontortsassheslamsapalmagainstherchest.“Calisright.Youareamonster.”
“Amonsterwhoexpectsyoutohaveahoneymoonchosenbytheendofthebusinessday.”
“Ahoneymoon?Wow!”Shelooksfartooexcitedabouttheprospectformycomfort.
“Don’tgetanyideas.Thisisstrictlyforappearances.”
“Appearances?”Hergrinissnuffedout.
“I’mpositivethatmyfatherwilldoeverythinginhispowertodelegitimizeourmarriage.Itisuptoustomakehisattemptfutile.”
Herlipspurse.“Bygoingonahoneymoon?Howisthatgoingtosolveanything?”
“ItprovesIcareenoughaboutyoutotakemyfirstvacationinoveradecade.”
Shelaughs.“Youmustlivesuchasadlifeifyouthinksacrificingworkforahoneymoonisadeclarationofyouraffection.”
“Isitnot?”DidshenothearawordofanythingIjustsaid?Idon’ttakevacations.Doingsoshouldsilenceanydoubtsaboutourrelationship.
Wouldn’tit?
“No.It’snot.”
Igrimace.“I’llbethejudgeofthat.”
Hereyesroll.“Sure.Wecandothingsyourwaysinceyouhavesomuchexperiencewhenitcomestorelationships.”Shemumblessomethingaboutmenalwaysthinktheyknoweverythingunderherbreath.
Iknockmyfistagainstherdesk.“BooktheplaneforFriday.”
“ThisFriday?”
“Isthatgoingtobeaproblem?”
Shesqueals.“No!Evenifitwas,Irefusetoletthisgoldenopportunitygotowaste.Ihaven’thadavacationinyears.”
“Atleastyoufinallygetsomethinggoodoutofallofthis.”
Sheslapsherdeskwithasternlook.“Youmeanthere’ssupposedtobesomethingbetterthanmarryingyou?Irefusetobelieveit.”
Iturnandwalktowardmydoor,hidingthegrinspreadingacrossmyface.Irisistheonlypersonwiththeabilitytomakemesmile.
Notthatsheknowsit.I’vedoneeverythinginmypowertohidehowmuchswayshehasovermymoods.
16
IRIS
IfsomeonetoldmeamonthagothatDeclanwouldhandmehisblackcardandtellmetoplanahoneymoon,Iwouldhavesentthemtothenearesthospitaltogettheirheadchecked.Butlowandbehold,Declandoesjustthat.
“Moneyisnoobject,”hesaysbeforedisappearingbehindhisdoubledoors.
IsquealasIspinaroundinmychair.
“Keepitdown,”hecallsoutfromtheothersideofthewooddoor.
IclampdownonmylipswhileIgrabmycellphoneandtextCal.
Me:Guesswhoisgoingonahoneymoonafterall?
Cal:Howdidyoumakehimcrack?
Cal:Waterboarding?
Cal:Sleepdeprivation?
Cal:Sex???
Cal:Wait.Ifit’sthelastone,don’ttellme.Idon’twanttoknow.
IlaughasItypeupmyresponse.
Me:Yourfather.
Cal:*Pretendstobeshocked.
Me:Doyouwanttohelpmeplansomething?
Cal:I’llbetherein15.
“No.”Ishoveadumplingintomymouth.
“Butit’sBoraBora,”Calreplieswithanexasperatedlook.
Ishakemyhead.“Soundsboring.”GoodthingCalcan’tseethewaymycheeksburnfromthelie.
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”
MorelikewhatcouldbewrongwithmeifIweretochooseahoneymoonlocationthatwouldrequireDeclantowalkaroundshirtlessandwetalldaylong.EvenIknowmylimits,andthatisoneofthem.AfterthelittleshowIgotlasttimeDeclanwasshirtless,it’sbestwedon’ttestthewaters.
CalusesthecomputermousetoscrollthroughthenewspaperarticlerecommendingtheTopTenHoneymoonSpotsintheWorld
“HowaboutMaui?”
Iscrunchmynose.“No.”
“Fiji?”
“Pass.”
“Iswear,withthewayyou’reacting,it’sasifyoudon’twanttogoonahoneymoonatall.”
“Ido!”Justnotanywherethatmightrequireustotakeourclothesoff.
Hestaresmedown.“WhataboutSouthAfrica?”
Huh.Nowthatisanidea…
“Tellmemore.”
Helooksabsolutelyhorrifiedbymyinterest.“Youcan’tbeserious.YouwouldchooseasafarioverBoraBora?”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseit’snotromantic.”
Ifrown.“Thismightbeahoneymoon,butitisn’tmeanttoberomantic.”
“Clearlyorelseyouwouldhavechosensomethingelse.”
ThemoreCalpushesmeonit,themoreIfindtheideaofgoingonasafariappealing.Nothingsayshandsoffquitelikebugspray,motionsickness,andwatchinganimalsdevoureachother.Withabusytriplikethat,theriskofDeclanandIdoingsomethingstupidisslimtonone.
Ithrowmynapkinonthetableandpatmydistendedbelly.
“That’sit.We’regoingtoSouthAfrica.”
Calgroans,andIsmile.
Casesolved.
PlanningatriptoAfricaatthelastminuteisstressful.IneedtojuggleDeclan’sbusyschedule,doctors’appointmentssowecangetourshots,andcallingsafarilodgestoseewhohasavailabilityatthelastminute.Idoallthiswhileworkingfromninetonineeverysingleday.
Declanisabsolutelyuselesswhenitcomestoplanninganything,soI’mstuckdoingeverythingonmyown.Flights.Travelitineraries.
Sleepingarrangements.EverythingfallsonmyshoulderssinceDeclandoesn’tcarewherewego,solongasIpostafewphotosandmakeitseemlikewearehavingagoodtime.Hiswords.Notmine.
Becauseofhisattitude,Idon’tfeelbadbookingthemostexpensivesafarilodgeonourlist.Ievenbookatriptothesalontogetmyhairbraided—allonhispersonalcard.That’swhathegetsforbeingsocoldandunfeelingaboutthewholeprocess.TheleasthecouldhavedonewasaskmeifIneededanyhelp.Oreventhankedmeforputtingallthistogetheratthelastminute,allsohecouldprovetoeveryonehowwearesomehappycouple.
It’sthesmallestthingsthatmakepeoplefeelappreciated.NotthatDeclancares.
IsighasIstareoutthecarwindow.
“What’swrong?”Declandoesn’tbotherlookingupfromhisphone.
“Nothing.JustthinkingabouthowIneedtofinishpackingforbothofustonight.”Thelieeasilyrollsoffmytongue.It’snotlikeDeclancaresaboutmyfeelingsonthematter.
Declanremainssilent.
“Isthereanythinginparticularthatyouwantmetopackforyou?”Iask.
“No.”Hefrownsashetypesagainstthescreen.
Isthishowmylifeisgoingtobeforthenextthreeyears?
Speakingtosomeonewhoispermanentlyattachedtotheircellphone?
Theemptinessinmychestintensifiesastheminutesgoon.
Declanremainsoblivious,andIonlysinkfurtherintomyfunk.
Whatdidyouexpect?Togetmarriedandforhimtoinstantlyhaveachangeofheart?Theworlddoesn’tworklikethat.
Attheveryleast,IthoughtDeclanwouldgivemeabitofhistime,giventhefactthatI’mhiswifenow.
Don’tgowishingforthingsthatwillneverhappen.
Isighagain.Thistime,Declandoesn’tbothercommentingonit.
Howcanhewhenheistoobusyansweringthephoneandyellingatsomeoneontheotherend?
Storyofmylife.
Myphonebuzzesinmyhand.IunlockittofindCal’slatesttextmessage.
Cal:Didyouevergetaroundtothankingmyfatherforyourimpromptuhoneymoonyet?
Me:I’llbesuretosendhimathankyoubasketwhenIgetback.
Cal:ShouldItellhimtolookoutforafainttickingnoise?
Me:Don’truinthesurprise!That’sthebestpart.
Calrespondswitharowoflaughingemojis.
Declandropsintothecaptain’schairacrossfromme.Theflightattendantisquicktoaskhimifheneedsanything,buthesimplyignoresherbytappingonhistabletscreen.
“Sir,I’mheretoserviceyouinanywayyouneed.Pleasedon’thesitatetoaskforanythingduringthelongflight.”ShebatsherlashesatDeclan.
Servicehim?Gross.
Declanremainsoblivioustoherobviousinnuendo.Hedoesn’tbothertolookupatherdespitethewayshestandsbesidehischair,droolingalloverthecarpet.
Iclearmythroat.“Excuseme?”
Shedoesn’tevenbotherturninginmydirection.“Thecaptainsaidthetripshouldbeasmoothone.I’mcuriouswhatmadeyoupickSouthAfrica?”
“I’vealwayswantedtogoonasafari.”Asofthreedaysago,atleast.
Shedarestoshootmeascathinglookoverhershoulder.Isshereallygoingtoignoremewhileflirtingwithhim?He’swearingaweddingringforcryingoutloud.
“MyhusbandandIwilltaketwoglassesofchampagne,please.”
Iliftmylefthandintheairtogetherattention,andthediamondreflectsarainbowofcolorsacrosstheceiling.
Shepeersoveratmewitharaisedbrow.“Excuseme?”
ExcuseyouIgrindmyteethtogether.“Actually,youmightaswellbringoutthewholebottle.We’reinacelebratingmood.”
“You’remarried?”HereyesswingbackandforthbetweenusbeforelandingonDeclan’sring.Thewayhersmilefallselicitsmyown.
“Getmywifewhatevershewants.”Declandoesn’tlookupfromhistablet.
Mystomachfluttersinawaythathasnothingtodowithflyingjitters.
“Ofcourse.Rightaway,sir!”Sherushestothebackoftheprivatejet.
“Rightaway,sir!”Iechoherenthusiasmwitharollofmyeyes.
ThecornersofDeclan’smouthliftashefeignsinterestinwhateverisonhisscreen.
Iglare.“Areyouenjoyingyourself?”
“Idofindyourpossessivenessentertaining.”
“Iamnotpossessive.”
“Hmm,”heresponds.Hisfingersgotaptaptaponthescreen.
Ishiftinmyseat,andthetipsofmybraidsbrushagainstthesmallofmyback.“Okay,whatever.EvenifIwas,it’swarranted.Sheshouldn’thaveflirtedwithyouwhileyou’rewearingaweddingring.”
“Isee.”Hedragshisindexfingeracrosstheglassbeforetappingonthetabletscreen.
“Whataren’tyousaying?”
“I’mcuriouswhyyoufeeltheneedtoflauntyourmaritalstatuswheneveryou’reinsecure.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“Iamnotinsecure!”
“I’mawareofyourtrustissues.”
Isheforrealrightnow?He’sonetotalkabouttrustissueswhenthemanhasaseventeen-digitcodetounlockhiscellphone
“Isthisthepartofourrelationshipwhereweshareourdeep-seateddaddyissues?”Icooinajokingmannerdespitethethunderingpaceofmyheart.“BecauseI’mprettysurewecouldspendthewholeflightdebatingwhohaditworsegrowingup.”
Heshrugs.“Defensiveasalways.”
Thismotherfuc—
Relax.He’sgoodatstirringuppeople’sinsecuritiesandusingthemtohisadvantage.Insteadofgivingintohistaunts,Ipulloutmyphoneandbusymyselfwithmyemailinbox.Sortingmessagesisasoothingtaskthatkeepsmymindnumb.
Despitemybestefforts,mythoughtsdrift.
Trustissues?Whoishetocallmeoutonsuchathing?Everythingabouthimscreamstrustissues,fromthethirty-pageprenupIsignedtothewayhewon’topenupdespitemyknowinghimforyears.
Hereadjustshispositioninthechair.“Youcantrustmetoremainfaithful.”
“Asifthatwasaconcern,”Ibiteback.
Hisbrowraisesinsilentquestion.
“Everyoneknowsaboutyoursleepinghabits.”
“Andwhatarethey?”Hiseyeslightenwithamusement.
“Youdon’tsleeparoundandyoudon’tdate.Halfthecompanythinksyou’regaywhiletheothersthinkyouvisitasexclubtoletoffsomesteameveryweek.”
“I’mdisappointedattheirlackofcreativity.”Thereisatightnessinhisvoicethatwasn’tpresentamomentago.
“ItriedtohelpthemallbyspreadingarumoraboutawomanwhosecretlyvisitedyourofficeonFridays,butitonlylastedayear.”
“Whythehellwouldyousaythat?”Hisneutralexpressionmorphsintosomethingterrifying.Ifitweren’tforthecrazedexpressiononhisface,Iwouldbeproudtohaveruffledhisfeatherslikethis.ItisnoeasyfeattogetunderthegreatDeclanKane’sskin.
Ibecomeengrossedinpushingbackmycuticles.“Itforcedpeopletosendmetheirassignmentsearlierthanusualbecausenoonewantedtointerruptyoursexytimeforasignature.Itwasawin-winreally.IwasabletoprepareyourMondaybriefingreportsbeforetheweekendandtheyearnedpromotionsfortheirdiligentwork.”
Heblinksatme.“Youhadthembelievethisforayear?”
“Areyouproudofme?”
“No.”
“Youshouldbe.IwassocommittedtothestorylinethatIevenhiredafewwomentoleaveyourofficeat5p.m.”Iwagglemybrows.
“Pleasetellmeyoudidn’tchargethistomypersonalcard.”
Igrin.“Nope.Considereditabusinessexpense.”
Herubshiseyes.“SometimesIfeellikeIknoweverythingaboutyou,andthenyouopenyourmouthandsaysomethinglikethat.”
MycheeksheatandIhidemybashfulnesswithasmile.
“Keepingtabsonme?”
“It’sexpected.”
“BecauseI’myourwife?”
Hisresponseisinterruptedbytheflightattendantshowingupwithourbottleofchampagne.Shepopsthecorkandmovestopour
usaglass,purposefullyleaningforward.Onepeekathercleavagepushesmeintoaction.
Iinterrupther.“Igotit.”
Herfacereddensassheplacesthebottleonthetableandleaves.
“Jealousylooksgoodonyou.”
“Oh,shutup.”Ifilltheglassesandswipeoneformyself.
Declanrewardsmybrazennesswithadeepchucklesolow,Icanbarelyhearitoverthehumoftheplane’sengines.
IsmileinreturnasIliftmyfluteintheairtowardDeclan.“TothevacationIdesperatelyneeded.”
Hebegrudginglygrabstheother.“AndthehoneymoonIneverwanted.”
Itapmyfluteagainsthis.“Cheers!”
Ittakesmetwowholedaystorecoverfromaseverecaseofjetlag.
Bythethirdmorning,Iamfeelingbetterthanever.MyheadbrushesagainstmysilkpillowcaseasIturnonmysideandstareoutmypanoramicfloor-to-ceilingwindowsoverlookingthebush.Themoonglistensoffthesurfaceofourprivatepool,andI’mtemptedtodiveintowakemyselfup.
Istretchmylegsbeforedoingacelebratorywiggleinbed.Ihaven’thadavacationsincebeforeIstartedworkingforDeclan,sotheideaofspendingtendaysoffthegridhasmewantingtodancemywaythroughmymorningroutine.
Thesoundofmyalarmbreaksthesilence.IfIwasn’tusedtowakingupearlyforwork,the5a.m.scheduleherewouldhavesuckedbigtime.I’mquickwithgettingreadygivenmylimitedchoicesofsafari-appropriateclothing.
BythetimeImakeittoourlivingroom,IexpectDeclantobeannoyedthatI’mtenminuteslate.ExceptDeclanisn’there.Ispinaroundinacirclebeforemakingmywaythroughourprivatevilla.
Hisroomislocatedontheoppositesideoftheplace,givinghimanequallybeautifulviewofourpooloutside.
Amufflednoisecomesthroughthebottomofhisbedroomdoor.
Iturntheknobandpushhisdooropen,findingDeclanbentoveradesk,lookingfreshasadaisyinathree-piecesuit.Itrymybesttoignorethewayhisasssticksout,butmyeyeslingeronhisform-fittingpantsbecauseI’mnotblind.Althoughthelittlejoltinmyheartconcernsmeenoughtoavertmygazebacktohisface.
Ifrownathisattire.“Youcan’tgooutlikethat.Thelionswilleatyoualive.”
Heignoresmeashescribblessomethingdownonanotepad.
Icheckthetimeonmyphone.“We’resupposedtomeetwiththerangerinfiveminu—”
“Sorry,Mr.Kane,whatwasthat?”awoman’svoicecutsmeoff.
Heglaresatmeasheholdsafingertohismouth.
“Justmyassistantcheckinginonme.Carryon,Ms.Tanaka.”
Tanaka.OfcourseDeclanwouldansweracallfromMr.Yakura’sassistant.SheandherVIPbossareoneofthefewpeoplewhohavedirectaccesstoDeclan’spersonalline.
Ms.TanakaspoutssomethingoffinJapaneseandDeclanrespondswithoutmissingabeat.Watchinghimshiftbetweenlanguagesalwaysimpressesme.WhetheritisSpanish,Portuguese,Mandarin,orJapanese,thewaythewordsrolleasilyoffDeclan’stongueissomethingtobeadmired.I’vetriedtopickuponafewwordshereandtherewhilelisteninginonhisconversations,butIneverhadaknackforanykindofwords—letaloneforeignones.
WhileDeclanspeakstoMs.Tanaka,Ienterhisclosetandstartunloadinghisluggage.ImakequickworkofthejobsinceIwastheonewhopackedeverythinganyway.Thesuitwasasurprise,andI’msomewhatpeevedDeclanthoughttopackitinthefirstplace.Weweresupposedtobeonthesamepageaboutallthis,includingnowork.
Becausereally,whatisthepointofgoingthroughthisentireshamofahoneymoonifheisgoingtoworktheentiretime.Thatdoesn’tscreamhappilyinlove.
Ms.Tanakafinallyendsthecall,andIexithisclosetwithasafari-approvedoutfit.“Here.Changeintothis.”
“We’renotgoing.”
Iblinkathim.“I’msorry,what?”
Hiseyesshiftfrommyfacetomytremblingarmholdingontohisclotheswithanirongrip.“Mr.Yakurawantstomeetinafewhourstodiscussthelatestproposal.”
“You’rejoking.”
“No.Themanisimpossible.I’mclosetoabandoningthelandandsendingthescoutsouttofindmeanewlocation.”
“But—”
Hedoesn’tletmefinish.“IrefusetogiveupwhenI’mthisclosetosecuringthedeal,especiallyafterIpromisedtheboardIwouldfollowthroughondeliveringDreamlandTokyo.”Hepacesthewidthofhisroom.Hislargebodymakesmefeelasifthewallsareclosinginaroundme.
Ishakemyhead.“Idon’tthinkI’munderstandingyou.”
“Hefinallygavemesomeconcretefeedbackaboutmyproposalandwouldliketomeettodiscussitfurther—”
“I’mnottalkingabouttheproposal!”Ithrowhisclothesonthebed,wishingIcouldchuckthemathisfaceinstead.
Declan’sbrowspulltogether.“You’reupset.”
“No,Declan.I’mdisappointed.”
“Youofallpeopleshouldunderstandhowimportantthisistome.”
Ithrowmyarmsintheair.“That’sexactlymyproblem.Iunderstandyourneedsevenattheexpenseofmyown.”
Iinstantlywanttotakebackthewords,ifonlytoerasethescaryexpressiononDeclan’sface.
“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?”
“I’vespentthreeyearsofmylifemakingsureyou’retakencareof,evenifitmeantsacrificingmyhappinesstodoso,”Iblurtout.
Somuchforkeepingyourselfincheck.
Hislipsflatten,turningthepinkcolorwhitefromthepressureofhisgrimace.
Abortmission.“Nevermind—”
“Isthathowyoureallyfeel?”hecutsmeoff.
Ittakesallmywillpowertonotbreakeyecontact.“Yes.”
“Why?”
Hisquestionthrowsmeoff.DoesheactuallycareabouthowIfeel?Hehasnevermadeitapointinthepasttocheckinwithmeaboutmyneeds,andtherehavebeenplentyofopportunities.LiketheChristmasImissedbecauseheplannedabusinesstriporthehundredsofplansIhadtocancellastminutebecauseofsomeKaneCompanyemergency.
Overthelastthreeyears,mylifeslowlydisappeareduntilmyidentitybecameMr.Kane’sassistant
Thisisyourchancetoconfesshowunhappyyou’vebecomewithyourjob.Iopenmymouthtospeakmymindbutsomethinginhisgazestopsme.Theskinaroundhisdarkeningeyestightens.
Hisphonerings,cuttingthroughthesilence.Thehandclutchingontoithesitates.
Hedoesn’twanttodealwithyourshittymoodrightnowwhenhehasmoreimportantthingsheneedstohandle.
Iputonmybestsmilethatdoesn’tquitereachmyeyes.“Forgetit.I’mbeingextragrumpyfromjetlagandwakingupearlierthanusualforoursafari.It’snothingacupofcoffeecan’tfix.”
Hisphonestopschiming.“Listen—”
“It’sfine.”
“Ididn’texpect—”Theshrillringinterruptswhateverhewasabouttosay.
“Youbettergetthat.Soundsimportant.”Inodmyheadandofferhimatensesmile.
Hismouthopens,butIdon’tstickaround.ThelastthingIhearbeforeshuttinghisbedroomdoorbehindmeishisdeeprumbleofavoicebarkinganorderataninnocentcaller.
Declan,likethecompleteassholebosshetendstobeundermostcircumstances,sendsmearecordedvoicenoterequestingthatImakeaPowerPointjustincaseMr.Yakurawantsavisualaidforhismeeting.
TheonlyvisualaidIwantisofmyhandswrappedaroundDeclan’sneck,stoppinghisairflow.
Okay.Turnitdownabouttennotches.
OnceIreinmytemperin,Igetbacktowork.IttakesmetwohourstocreateaPowerPointbasedonourcombinedmessynotes.
WhatwouldtakeanormalpersonanhourtocompiletakesmedoublebecauseIhavetotriple-checkeachslideforerrors.ThelastthingIwantisforDeclantoberatemeforasillytypoorincorrectpunctuationmark.
AfterIfinishtheslideshow,IsendDeclanamessagesarcasticallyaskingifheneededanythingelsefromme.Ishouldhaveexpecteditwouldbackfire.Declanthrowstaskaftertaskmyway,eachmoreirritatingthanthelast.
CheckinwithourTokyosponsorstomakesuretheyarestillinterested.
Contacttheheadofmarketingandhavehimsendmeanestimatedexpensereport.
Schedulemealast-minutemeetingwithRowanbeforeYakurajumpsonthevideocall.
Themoredemandsheplaces,thestrongermyangerbecomes.
I’msupposedtohavetendaysofvacationtime.Afterbeingdeniedthreeyears’worthofpaidtimeoff,Iwantmybreak.
Ineedit.
Maybeyouwantmorethanthat.
MyheaddropsintomyhandsasIletoutafrustratedgroan.
WhileIappreciatemyjobandthemanyopportunitiesDeclanhasgivenme,Idon’tknowhowmuchlongerIcandothis.
Betteryet,Idon’twanttodothis.
I’mturningtwenty-fourthisyearandwhatdoIhavetosayformyself?MostofmyliferevolvesaroundDeclanandmakingsurehehaseverythingheneedstobesuccessful.Ievenmarriedthemansoheachieveseverythinghedreamedof—allbecauseIcareabouthimwaymorethanhecouldeverreciprocate.Hegavemeachancewhennoonebelievedinme,andforthat,Iowehim.
Myactionssaymoreaboutmeandlessabouthim.IputmyneedsasidebecauseIthoughtitwouldmakemehappytohelp
others.Andwhileitfeelsgreattoseeeveryoneelseachievetheirdreams,itleavesmewithagapingholeinmychest.
Nothingwillchangeunlessyoudo.
MaybeCalwasright.IfIkeepmakingexcusesformyself,Iwillneverfindtherighttimetotakethenextbigstepinmylife.
Yetyoutriedalreadyandfailed.
Isigh.Despiteallthefailuresinmylife,somehownotbeinghiredforanentry-levelHRpositionstingsthemost.
Sowhatifyoufailed?You’renevergoingtoaccomplishanythingworthwhileifyoukeeptoyourcomfortzone.
ButwhataboutDeclan?Thevoicethathashadfartoomuchsayovermypastdecisionsspeaksup.Andlikealways,Ilisten,pushingasidemythoughtsasIgetstartedonDeclan’snexttask.
17
DECLAN
There’sbeensomethingoffaboutIriseversinceItoldherweneededtocanceloursafarifortheday.Ithoughtshewouldgetoverhermoodbynoon,butIwaswrong.Sheonlyspeakstomethroughemail,despitebeingaquickwalkawayfrommybedroom,andsheavoidsallthecommonareasofthebungalow.ThewaysheignoresmemakesmefarmorefrustratedthanIwouldevercaretoadmit.
Iconsidercheckinginonherafewtimesbutthinkbetterofit.
Whenevershe’sgottenirritatedatwork,I’vefounditbesttoleaveheralonetosortoutherfeelings.Sheknowsthestakeshere,andsheofallpeopleknowshowmuchthisdealmeanstome.ItwouldberidiculousforhertothinkIwouldtellYakuranoafterthestruggleIwentthroughtogethimonthephone.
Ourmeetingtimeclosesin,andIrisstillhasn’tcometosetupthecomputer.Igrabmyphonetocallher,butitturnsoutthatIdon’tneedto.Shewalksintothelivingroomwithherlaptoptuckedbeneathherarm.
Theever-presenttightnessinmychestwheneversheisaroundintensifiesasIscanherfromheadtotoe.Goneareherusualhighheelsanddresses,replacedbyanall-blackoutfitthataccentuateseverydipandcurveofherbody.
Istandtallerinherpresenceifonlytomakehernoticeme.
Exceptshedoesn’tasshebusiesherselfwithsettingupthecomputerforourvideocallwithoutsparingmeaglance
Isomehowresistthetemptationtograbherchinandforcehertolookupatme,insteadsettlingonsteppinginherway.“Ready?”
Herhandclutchingthechargingcabletightensaroundthecordlikeachokehold.“Yup.”
Still,hergazedoesn’tmeetmine.Herlackofacknowledgmentshouldn’tbeaconcernformewhenIhavemorepressingissuestohandle,yetIamacutelyawareofthetensionbuildingbetweenus.
Idon’tlikeit.Notonebit.
“Iris.”
“Yes?”Sheassessestheloginscreenlikeit’swritteninMorsecode.
“Tellmewhat’swrongsowecangetonwithourday.”
Sheseemstonotlikemycommandbasedonthewayshesmashesherfingersagainstthekeyboard.“Whywouldanythingbewrong?”
“Quitthepassive-aggressiveattitudeandtalktome.”Icoverherhandwithmypalm,stoppinghertyping.
“You’rethelastpersonIwanttospeaktorightnow.”Hereyesfinallysliceintomeasshestealsherhandaway.
WhatIfindreflectinginthemisnotwhatIexpected.Shemightaswellwavearedflagaboveherhead,warningmetostayaway.
YetIfinditimpossibletoignorethewayhereyesglisten.
Ihavecometorealizethat,whilehersmilemightbemyweakness,herdamplashesclingingtogetherwillsurelybemydownfall.
“Wereyoucrying?”Mynextbreathispinched,theoxygenfightingitswayintomystrainedlungs.
“No.”
“You’reapatheticliar.”
Hernostrilsflare.Shestandstall,barelyreachingmychin.“Youwantmetobehonest?”Hervoicedropsdangerouslylow.
“Yes.”
“EvenifyouhatewhatIhavetosay?”
“IcanassureyouI’veheardworse.”
Forabriefmoment,hericinessmeltsawayashergazesoftens.
“Don’tdothat.”
“Don’tdowhatexactly?”
“Don’tremindmethatthere’sahumanbeinglockedupinsideofyousomewhere.”
“Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?”
Hergazeshiftsawayfrommeasshefocusesonafarcorneroftheroom.“I—”Thechimingnotificationonthecomputerscreencutsheroff.Herbitterlaughfillstheroom.“I’llleaveyoutoitthen.”
Fuckthemeeting.
Thethoughtactslikeapunchtothethroat.Myraggedinhaledoeslittletocalmme,andmythoughtsspiraloutofcontrol.
You’relosingsightofwhat’simportant.
Ishakemyhead,soberingupasIunbuttonthefrontofmyjacketandsettleontothecouchinfrontofthelaptop.“We’llcontinuethisconversationafter.”Ileavenoroomforopposition.
“Ofcourse,sir.”Hersnideremarkbouncesoffme.Sheacceptsthecallandstepsoutoftheframe.
“Hello,hello!”Mr.Yakuragrinsintothecamera.Itrytoreturnthegesture,buttheforcedsmileonlymakeshimlaugh.
Idon’tunderstandhowhecanbesodamnhappyallthetime.Heremindsmeofagoldenretriever—allsmilesandgoodtimes.It’smind-bogglinghowsomeonelikehim,withallthepoweronhissideofthehemisphere,canactthewayhedoes.
Noteveryoneisamiserablefucklikeyou.
“Noneedtosmileonmyaccount.”Yakuralaughs.
“Good.It’snotnatural.”Anditrequiresusingonetoomanyfacialmusclesformytaste.
Hischuckleeasessomeofthetensionfrommyshoulders.
“Where’sIris?”Yakuraasksashescanstheroomforher.
“Here!”Irisstepsbehindme,usingthebackofthecouchasabarrierbetweenus.Thescentofher,likeawarmdayatthebeach,washesoverme.Ibreathethroughmymouthtosparemylungsanotherdeepinhale.
“Howareyou?”Yakuraasks,andsomeofthetensioninmybodydisappears.Iristhrivesunderthesekindsofcircumstancesgivenmyaversiontothem.Smalltalkhappenstobemyleastfavoriteformofcommunication,rightuptherewithsmokesignalsandgrouptexts.
Hersmileseemsfarlessforcedthanmine.“Everythingisgreat.
Sameold,sameoldoverhere.Justbusyworkingmylifeawayonedayatatime.”
Oureyesmeetthroughthecamera,andminenarrowinsilentwarning.
“Soundslikeyouneedavacation.PerhapsevenahoneymoonfromwhatIhear.”Heraisesabrow.
Iris’ssmiledropsafractionbeforeshebouncesback.“Iseeyouheardaboutournews.”
“I’mabitoffendedIfoundoutthebignewsfrommywife.Ithoughtwewerefriends.”Hefrowns.
Somehowthatwordseemstobehauntingmeregardlessoftheperson.I’mnotsurewhypeoplearesoinfatuatedwithbecomingmyfriend.Theywouldfindmelackingineveryway,fromneverrememberingtheirbirthdaytoalwaysleavingtheirmessagesunread.
“Isentaweddinge-invitationtoyourassistantsinceeverythingwassuchawhirlwind,butitmusthavenotmadeittoyou.”Irispoutsoncommand,liketheideaofYakuramissingourweddingtearsherupinside.
“Shemusthavemissedit.Igetsomanyemailseachday,Ipracticallytakeupawholecloudofstoragespace.”
Shewaveshimoff.“Noworries.Itwasspurofthemomentanyway.”Irislaysherdiamond-cladhandonmyshoulder,andYakura’seyestrackthemovement.Iremainstiffinmyseatasaburningsensationinmygutsurgestolife.
“I’dsay.Ineverknewyoutwoweretogether,althoughmywifehadhersuspicions.Partofmeisannoyedshewasrightthisentiretime.”
“Yourwifeisasmartwoman,”Irissays.
“Howdidyoutwokeepitasecretforthislong?”
“YouknowDeclan.Healwayskeepshisbusinessandpersonallifeseparate.”
“Don’tIknowit.Hewouldn’teventellmehisfavoritecolorwhenIaskedhim.”
“Greenlikeacrisphundred-dollarbill,”sherespondswithagrin.
Theurgetorollmyeyesnearlyovertakesme.
“Isthatright?”Yakura’seyesbrightenashelooksatme.
“Yes.”No
Irisgivesmyshoulderapatofapproval.Yearsago,whenIrisaskedmeaboutmyfavoritecolor,ItoldherIdidn’thaveone.
Naturally,givenherfrequentboutsofinsanity,sheadoptedoneforme.It’sbecomearunningjokeonherendwhereeverygift-givingoccasionincludessomethinggreen,asifoversaturatingmewiththecolorwillmakemelikeit.
Itdoesn’t.Ifanything,italwaysremindsmeofher
“Well,Iwon’ttakeuptoomuchofyourtime.ButwhileIhavebothofyouhere,IwouldliketodiscussauniqueopportunityregardingtheDreamlandTokyoproposal.”
Thisiswhatyou’vebeenwaitingfor.MybreathstallsinmylungsasIwaitforhimtocontinue.
“Iwouldliketomoveforwardwiththeprojectonafewconditions.”
Idon’tblink.Idon’tsmile.Idon’tdoanythingbutstareintothecamera,wonderinghowthisproposalwonhimovercomparedtotheothers.
Whatchanged?
Whogivesashit?Allthatmattersishewantstoworktogether.
“Fantastic.TheKaneCompanywouldbeexcitedtoworkwithyouandturnDreamlandTokyointoareality.”
Henods.“Iamexcitedaswell.ButIwouldlikeyoutoironoutafewlastdetailsbeforeIpresentthedealtotheboard.”
“Ofcourse.Whateveryouneed,”IreplydespitethetinyticinIris’sjawthroughthecamera.
Yakuraclapshishandstogetherashereviewsthechangeshewouldlikemetoaddress,includingJapanesesponsorshewants
broughtontotheproject.“Great.WillitbetoomuchtroubletoaskforanupdatedproposalwithaprojecttimelinesoIcanshareitwiththecompanyboardthisFriday?”
Thehandonmyshouldertightensaroundthetendons,butIrisremainsquiet.
“Notroubleatall.”
“Fantastic.Iknewyouwouldbeuptothechallenge.”
I’dbeanidiotnotto.ThisprojectissupposedtobemyfirstbigmoveasthefutureCEO,andIdidn’tspendthelasttwoyearsofmylifeworkingweeknightsandweekendstosquanderit.
Iris’snailsdigintothefabricofmysuit.Ilookupatthecomputerscreentofindherfacedevoidofanykindofemotion,whichisawarningsign.
Herangeriswarrantedbutsomethingstakeprecedence.
Opportunitiesaren’tamatterofluck,butratherhardworkandsacrifices.Afewmoredaysontheclockwon’tkillher.Shewillhaveplentyofchancestowatchanimalsshit,fuck,andsleep,aslongasweaccomplishYakura’srequestfirst.
Yakuranods.“Ilookforwardtohearingfromyousoon.”
Themomenthehangsup,Irisripsherhandawayfromme.
“Youfindmethatabhorrent?”Iglareatherfromovermyshoulder.
Hereyesnarrow.“Youdon’twantmyhandsanywherenearyourneckrightnow.”
“Ididn’tknowthatwasyourthing.”
“Murder?”
“Kinks.”
Hereyeswiden.“You’rebreakingarule.”
“Whichone?”
“Noflirting.”
“Interesting.Arewejustaddingrulesaswegonow?”
“Yes,seeingasthereisnohow-tomanualonfakingamarriage.”
“Doesthatmakeyoufeelbetter?”Iaskinaboredvoice.
Herbrowspulltogether.“What?”
“Puttingupawallbetweenuswhenthingsgettoorealforyou.”
Shelaughs,inadeepandwheezywaythatbordersonobnoxious.“Ifinditfascinatinghowyoucansaythatwithastraightfacegivenhowyoutreateveryone.”
Ishootherablanklook.“Idon’ttreatyoulikeeveryoneelse.”
Sheknowsmoreaboutmethanmyownbrothers.Forhertodiscountthat…itraisesmybloodpressure.
“You’reright.”
ThetensebreathIwasholdingreleasesfrommylungs.Shefinallygetsit.
Shecontinues,“Therearemomentsyoutreatmegreat.I’dbestupidtodenythat.ButthereareplentyoftimeswhenIfeellikeIdon’tmatter.Thatmyneedsaremerelycollateraldamageinyourpursuitofwhateveryouthinkwillmakeyouhappy.”
Iwanttograbherbytheshouldersandshakeheruntilshestartsmakingsense.Instead,IkeepmyhandstomyselfasInod.“Isee.”
“Youreallydon’t.”Sheoffersmeatightsmilethatseemsallwrong.“Iplannedthistripthinkingwecouldhavefuntogether.Ithought…”Shelaughs,butitsoundsoff.“Idon’tknowwhatIthoughthonestly,butI’mmadatmyselfforbeingsurprisedthatallthisevenhappened.I’mevenmoredisappointedthatIthoughtyourworkwouldonlybekepttooneday.”
ThevictoryIfeltfromYakura’smeetingdisappearsatherexpression.Somethingaboutitraiseseveryalarminmyhead.
“Iris…”
Sheholdsupahand.“It’sfine.I’mgoingtotakeawalk.”
“No,you’renot.”Weareinthemiddleofnowhere,surroundedbywildanimalsanddarkness.Idon’tgiveashithowangrysheis.
I’llbedamnedifIletherwalkout.
Sheraisesherchinwithdefiance.“Ididn’taskforyourpermission.”
Thebackofmyneckheats.“Thenasyourboss,I’morderingyoutogetstartedontheupdatesYakurawants.Timeisoftheessence.”
Herentirebodytenses.“Ofcourse.I’llgetrightonthatassoonasIsubmitmytwoweeks’notice,asshole.”
Oh,fuck.ShetakesadvantageofmystunnedstateandleavesthesuitebeforeIhaveachancetostopher.Thefrontdoorrattlesasshe
slamsitbehindher.
Goodlucktryingtoundothismess.
18
IRIS
IwishIcouldsayI’msomebadbitchthatwaswillingtotakeanicelittlejauntaroundthesafarilodgeproperty.Inallhonesty,Ihadeveryintentionofdoingjustthat,especiallyaftermyfightwithDeclan.
ButI’mnotabadbitch.Notintheslightest.Allittookwassomerustlingleavestohavemehightailingmybutttoourbackyardandparkingmyselfonaloungechair.Insteadofmakingmypresenceknowntothebigassholeinside,Ikeptthelightsoff.IcouldlietomyselfandsayIdiditsoIcouldseethestarsbetter,butinreality,Iwantedtobealone.Hewassoadamantaboutmenotleavingtothepointofbeingacompletedick,soIfeellikeitisonlyfair.
Well,youdidtellyourbossyou’requitting.That’ssomebadbitchmaterialthatCalwouldbeproudof.
Igroan.Thatwassostupidonmypart.Insteadofbitingmytongue,Iletmyangergetthebestofme.MyphonebuzzesforthefourthtimesinceIwalkedout.Declan’snameflashesacrossthescreen,andIsighasIanswerthecall.
Beanadult.
“Tellmewhereyouare.”Hisclippedvoicerumblesthroughthephone.
“Out.”
Somuchforactingmature.Butseriously,whoishetoordermearoundlikethat?Hashelearnednothingfromwhathappenedearlier?
“IsweartoGodthemomentIfindyou…”
Hishalf-finishedthreatmakesthebackofmyneckprickle.
Whatthehell?
“I’mfine.”
“You’reoutinthemiddleofthefuckingjungle.”
Icooathimthroughthephone.“Technicallyit’scalledabush.
NotthatyouwouldknowsinceyoumademeplaneverythingforatripIcan’tevenenjoy.”
“Shutupandtellmewhereyouare.”
AsoftlaughescapesmebeforeIhaveachancetokillit.“Thisisourexactproblem.”Ikeepmyvoicelowjustincaseheisloomingtooclosetotheglassdoorssurroundingourvilla.“Youcontinuetoordermearoundlikesomedisobedienthousewife,andIcontinuetopushback.”
“Ifyoudon’ttellmewhereIcanfindyou—”
“I’mloungingoutsidebythepool.”
Ourcalldisconnects.Thepaceofmyheartincreaseswitheachsecondthatticksby.Myabilitytohearisdrownedoutbythewhooshingsoundofbloodinmyears.
Thehairsonmyarmsriseatthesoundoftheslidingdooropening.IrefusetolookovermyshoulderatDeclan,soIkeepmyeyesgluedtothestarryskydespitetheburningsensationspreadingacrossmyskinfromhisassessment.
Declandoesn’tmoveforawholeminute.Iconsiderhimtobeanexpertwhenitcomestotorture,giventhewayhemakesmewaitonpinsandneedleswhilehesaysnothing.WhileIhavealwaysadmiredhisabilitytomakepeoplecrackunderpressure,todayIfinditunbearable.Ialmostgiveintothetemptationtolookovermyshoulderandcheckonhim,butIstaystrong.
Thewindconcealsmysighofreliefastheslidingdoorglidesshutagain.Declan’sshoesclapagainstthewooddeck,thethuddingmatchingthestaccatoofmyheart.Helingersclosebyasifhewantstokeephisdistance.
Iexpecthimtoyellatme.PartofmethinksIdeserveitafterwalkingoutonhiminthemiddleofanargument.Iknowitwasn’tthemostmaturethingtodo,butI’monlyhuman.Whileittakesalottomakemeexplode,onceIdo,hellhathnofurylikeanassistantscorned.
Therebelliouspartofmestandsbymydecision,knowingsomethingabouthimneedstogive.I’mnotarobot.IhavefeelingsanddreamsandahopethatIwon’tspendtherestofmylifeassistinghimtoachievehisgoalswhileputtingmineonhold.Andifhecan’tseethat,thenmaybeit’stimeImoveonfrommyposition.
ImighthavetriedandfailedbeforewhenIappliedforajobtransfer,butthat’swhatlifeisallabout.
“Weneedtotalk.”
Myeyesslidefromthestarstohisface.Iopenmymouthtospeak,butthewordsseemtogettrappedinmythroat.I’mnotsurewhattosay.Declanisn’tthetypeofmanwhowantstotalk.Thataloneputsmeonedge,andIbecomeunsureofmyself.
Hetakesaseatonthechairparalleltomine.Unlikeme,hedoesn’tleanback,insteadchoosingtoremaininanuprightsittingposition.Theshadowsclingtohimlikeacloak,concealingmostofhisface.Idon’tneedanylighttoknowheisfocusedonme.Mybodydoesthejobforme,sendingashiverdownmyspinethathasnothingtodowiththetemperatureoutside.
“I’msorry.”Hisvoicecanbarelybeheardoveragustofwind.
Iturnmyfaceaway,shieldinghimfromseeinghowmyeyesnearlypopoutoftheirsockets.
Hemusttakemysilenceasquietapproval.“Imadeamistake.”
ImightneedtotakeuplearningsignlanguagebecauseIhaveofficiallylosttheabilitytospeak.Declandoesn’tapologize,andhesureashelldoesn’tadmitwhenheiswrong.Thatshouldserveasmyfirstwarningthatsomethingisoffbetweenus.
“Idon’twantyoutoquit.”Hisadmissionhangsbetweenus.
“Why?Becauseitwouldsucktofindareplacement?”
“Noonecanreplaceyou.”
Whoknewonestatementcoulddoawholelotofdamagetomyheart?Itbeatsharderasifitwantstorespondforme.“Ican’tdothis
anymore.”
Hesighs.“Iknow.”
“Ideservebetter.”
“Thatwasneveradoubt.”
Itiltmyhead.“I’mnothappy.”
Hisreplydoesn’tcomeinstantlyliketheothers.Thesilenceeatsawayatmycalmfa?ade,andIfindmyfingerstappingagainstmythighsinanervouspattern.
“Itwaswrongofmetomakeyouworkonyourdayoff.”
Ideflectwithhumor,hopingtoeasethetightballforminginmychest.“Yeah.You’reright.Itwasatotaldickmove.”
Themoonlighthighlightshissmallsmile,makingthewhitesofhisteethstandout.“Youhavesuchafoulmouth.”
“Isitjustmeordoyouseemtohaveanunhealthyobsessionwithmymouthlately?”
“Whosaysit’sunhealthy?”
Oh.My.Lord.EitherDeclanisflirtingwithmeorIwasmurderedbyawildanimalandhaveofficiallyascendedintoheaven.
Orhell.Dependsonhowyoulookatit.
MytoescurlinsideofmybootsbeforeIhaveachancetosquashthewarmthpoolinginmybelly.
Whathasgottenintoyou?Toescurling?Nextthingyouknow,you’llbeswappingoutyourabstinencecardforahealthydoseofDeclan’sdick.
Stopthinkingabouthisdick!
Iclearmythroat.“It’sfine.Allisforgiven.”I’llsayjustaboutanythingtomakehimgoaway.Therearefartoomanyfeelingshappeninginsideofmetohandleanymoreofthisconversation.
ScarykindsofthingsthatIrefusetoexplorewhileheassessesmeforweaknesses.
Herubsthebackofhisneck.
Ishe…nervous?
No.Thereisnopossibleway.
Right?
I’msomystifiedattheideaofDeclanbeingself-conscious,Icompletelymisswhateverhesays.“What?”
“IcalledYakuraandtoldhimwewouldn’tbeabletosendhimtheproposaluntilwecamebackfromourtrip.”
Inearlythrowmybackoutfromsittingupinmychair.“Whywouldyoudothat?”
“Becausesomethingsaremoreimportant.”
Don’tyoudareask.
Mylipspart.
No.
But,Icounter.
Whocareswhyhedidit?Askinghimaboutitisaterribleidea.Italmostseemsforbiddeninaway,whichIknowisridiculous.
Iignorethestrongvoiceinmyheadcautioningmeaway.“Whatthings?”
Hedeflects.“Didyoureallymeanwhatyousaidearlier?”
“YoumighthavetoclarifybecauseIsaidalotofthings.”
“Thatyouhavespentthelastthreeyearscompromisingyourhappinessbyworkingforme?”
Ireleaseaheavysigh.“Iwasangry.”
“That’snotananswertomyquestion.”
Ishoothimawitheringglare.“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?I’vebeenworkingforyouforthreeyearsalreadyandwhatdoIhavetoshowforit?Ihavenolife,nofriendsotherthanCal,andnofuturebesideshelpingyouaccomplishyours.Imarriedyoudespitealltheredflags,andI’msupposedtogivebirthtoachildknowingfullwellyouwantnothingtodowiththem.OfcourseI’mnothappy.Infact,I’mterrified.”
Thatlastparthurtstoadmit.
Heblinks.Once.Twice.Threetimes.
IthoughtIwouldfeelbetterafterpouringmyheartout,butrather,Ifeelsicktomystomach.Declanisfarfromperfectinmanyways,butthatdoesn’tmakehimabadperson.Hedoesn’tyellatmeorcallmenamesormakemefeeluncomfortable.Hispayisdoubletheusualsalary,andI’vebeenabletosaveanicenesteggbecauseofthat.
Ishetheeasiestbossintheworld?Absolutelynot.Heexpectsjustasmuchfrommeashedoesofhimself.Hisstandardsareas
exactingashisattitude,butthatdoesn’tmeanheisunfair.Ifanything,hepushesmetodobetter.
Andyoujustadmittedhowmuchyouresentitall.
Mystomachchurns.“AboutwhatIsaid—”
“Whatwouldmakeyouhappy?”
Ithinkbeingstruckbyalightningboltwouldhavebeenlessshockingthanhisquestion.NotoncehasDeclaneverinquiredaboutsuchathing,andI’mnotentirelysurehowtogoaboutansweringit.
Lotsofthingscouldmakemehappy,butthereareveryfewwithinhisimmediatecontrol.
“I—”
“Don’tthink.Justspeak.”
Itakeadeepbreath.“Firstoff,Iwanttobetreatedlikeahumanbeingwithwants,needs,andfeelings.”
“Unfortunately,evolutionhasn’tseemedtoworkoutthatlittleissueyet.”
Iglareinhisgeneraldirection.“I’mserious.Thatmeansyourespectmytime,energy,andwillingnesstogoaboveandbeyondtomakeourfakemarriagework.Youneedtorememberthatthisisn’tforme.YouaretheonewhoscrewedupaperfectlygoodweddingcontractwithBethany,andI’mthenextbestthing.Icanbeyourassetoryourenemy.It’suptoyoutodecide.”
“Anythingelse?”Humorseepsintohisvoice.
“Areyoulaughingatme?”
“Onlyontheinside.”
Myeyesnarrowintotinyslits.“Yes,actually.Thereisonemorething.StopcallingDreamlandTokyoyourproject.Webothhavespenttwoyearsworkingonthatproposaltogether,andIlostabouttenfriendsandaboyfriendintheprocess,sowhetheryoulikeitornot,we’reateam.I’dliketobetreatedassuchfromthismomenton.”
Herubshisstubbledchin.“That’savalidpoint.”
I’mnotsurewhetherDeclanisappeasingmebecausehedoesn’twanttocontinuepissingmeofforbecauseheactuallycaresabouthowIfeel.I’dliketoassumeit’sthelatterreason,butknowinghim,
hedoesn’twanttoruinhisoneshotofbecomingCEO.Andbymakingmeunhappy,herisksalotmorethanlosinganassistant.
“Great.Sonowthateverythingissettled,I’mgoingtobed.”Istandandtakeasteptowardtheslidingdoor.
“Don’tbelate.”
Ilookovermyshoulder.“For?”
“Oursafaritomorrow.”
“Youwanttogo?”Mypitchrises.
“Wantisabitofastretch.ButIamwilling.”
Igrin.“Bereadyby5a.m.”Iwalkacrossthedeckandpullonthehandleoftheslidingdoor.
“Iris?”
Thistime,Iturnaroundandpressmybackagainsttheglass.
“Yes?”
“Ifyoutrytoleavemeagain,I’llmakeyouregretit.”Theslightraspinhisvoicedoessomethingcatastrophictomylowerhalf.
“Isthatathreat?”
“It’sapromise.”Hisfaceremainsblank,buthiseyesrivalthestarsaboveus.
Iblink.SomehowIpullmyselftogetherandnodbeforeleavingthedeck.
Declan’swordsfollowmeallthewaybacktomyroom,butit’snotuntilIshowerandcrawlintobedthatIrealizewhatstruckmeasoddaboutwhathesaid.
Ifyoutrytoleavemeagain,I’llmakeyouregretit.
Notquitbutleavehim.Suchastrangechoiceofwordsforsubmittingatwoweeks’notice,butIbelieveDeclanconsidersthemoneandthesame.Ithinkhewouldseemequittingasaslightagainsthim.Maybehewouldevengoasfarastoconsideritsomekindofbetrayalafteralltheseyears.
Hedoesn’tneedanyone.Cal’svoiceplaysonrepeatinmyhead
Exceptmaybeme.
19
IRIS
Unlikeyesterday,Declanisalreadywaitinginthemainlivingspaceformeat5a.m.Sharp
“You’relate,”hegrunts.
Igroan.“Bytwominutes.”
“Here.Let’sgo.”HeslapsaStyrofoamcoffeecupintomyemptyhand.
Iblinkatit.“Thankyou?”Itakeasipandsighasthefirstdoseofcaffeinehitsmythroat.
Hemakesanoisewiththebackofhisthroat.“Noneedtothankme.Offeringyoucaffeineissolelyformypersonalbenefit.Ittendstomakeyoumuchmorecompliant.”
Myjawdrops.“Excuseme?”
Hedoesn’tbotheransweringmeasheexitsthebungalow.
“Someoneismightyeagertogetgoingtoday,”Icallouttohimaftergrabbingmybackpackwithallmysupplies.Thesunhasn’trisenyet,soI’mstuckstickingclosebyDeclan’sside,usingthelampsonthedirtpathtoguideustowardthemeet-uplocation.
“Thesoonerwegetoutthere,thesoonerwegetthisoverwith.”
“Pleasekeepyourexcitementtoaminimum.I’mafraidtheexperiencewon’tliveuptoyourhype.”
Heshootsmeawitheringglare.
Someoneisinafoulmoodthismorning.OnewouldthinkI’mtakinghimtotheelectricchairwiththelookonhisface.Wemakeourwayovertothemainlodge,withmesippingmycoffeealongthewalk.
Declanseemsdeterminedtogettoourdestinationasfastaspossible,forcingmetomatchhisspeed.
Idon’thavelegslikeagiraffe,soIslowtoanormalwalkingpacebeforemylegsgiveupfromexertion.“What’syourhurry?”
“Theysaidtobethereat5:15a.m.”
“It’savacation,notadoctor’sappointment.Theycanwaitafewminuteslonger.”
Declanmutterssomethingunderhisbreath.Imakeashowofpullingoutmyphoneandtakingafewdarkphotosofsomeplants.
Hehateseverysecondofit.Hisbootsdragacrossthisdirtpath,trackingdustbehindhimashetapsawayathisphone.
“Whathappenedtotakingthedayoff?”Iask.
Oureyesclash.Neitheroneofuslooksaway.
“I’mhere,aren’tI?”
“Yeah,withanattitudebiggerthanthestateofTexas.”
“Imustnotbetryinghardenoughifthere’sstillAlaskatocompetewith.”
HiscommentmakesmecurloverandlaughuntilIwheeze.Mostpeoplefindhimdry,sarcastic,anddownrightunbearabletobearoundforlongperiodsoftime,butIfindhimfunny.Sarcasmmightbeconsideredthelowestformofwit,butIfinditthemostentertaining.I’mnotsurewhatthatsaysaboutmethough.
Istandandcollectmyself.“Howaboutwecallatruce?”
“Atruce?”Heraisesabrow.
Inod.“Let’sspendadaypretendingtherestoftheworlddoesn’texist.Nowork.NoYakura.Noregrets.Givemeonesingledayofyourtimewithoutanyoftheotherstuffboggingusdown.”
“WhatdoIgetoutofthis?”
Well,thatisn’texactlyano.“Yougetahappywifewhowon’tsuffocateyouinyoursleeptonight.”
“Thinkaboutitoften?”
Mygrinmakesmycheeksache.“DependsonwhattruecrimeepisodeI’minspiredbythatnight.”
Hepresseshislipstogether,stoppingagrinfromeverforming.Icanimaginehehasabeautifulsmile,butIwouldn’tknow.I’veneverseenit.NotinalltheyearsI’veworkedforhim,despiteallmybestefforts.
“Fine.ButonlybecauseIdon’tthinkyouwouldsurviveadayinjail,”hereplies.
“You’reright.Orangeissonotmycolor.”
AndIswearDeclanlaughsontheinside
Bythetimewemakeittothetruckarea,I’vedrainedtheentirecupofcoffeeandfeelmuchmorelikemyself.Thesafaridriverandguidebothgreetus.Neitherofthemcomplainsaboutusbeingawholetenminuteslate,andIsilentlymouthtoldyousotoDeclanwhiletheyprepthetruck.
“Arewethefirstoneshere?”Ilookaroundtheemptyareaaroundouridlecar.
Theguidelooksatmewithraisedbrows.“Ithoughtyouknew.”
“About?”
“Ourtoursaremeanttobeaone-on-oneexperiencesothecouplescanmakethemostoutoftheirhoneymoontogether.”
Well,IsupposeImusthaveinterpretedthewebsiteincorrectly.IlookupatDeclanandnoticetheveinabovehisrighteyehasappeared.Great
Helooksdownatme.“AtleastIdon’thavetopretendtolikepeopletoday.”
Alaughexplodesoutofme.Thedriverandguidelooksomewhathorrified,soIcalmtheirworries.“He’skidding…”
“I’mnot,”herepliesdryly.
Thedriverforcesachucklewhiletheguidelooksuncomfortablyatme.“Weshouldgetgoingthen.Theanimalswaitfornoone.”
Thedriverhopsinthefrontseatwhiletheguidesettlesintotheonehangingoffthesideofthevehicle.Declangetsonthespecialtruckfirst.Heextendshishandformetograb,andI’mliftedonto
thetallplatformwithease.Hishandtightensaroundmine,sendingacurrentofenergyupmyarm.
Hereleasesitlikeitburnedhim.
“So,whatanimalsareyoumostexcitedtoseetoday?”theguideasks.
“Aleopard!”Iclapmyhandstogether
Theguidewhistlesbeforegivingthedriveralook.
“Isthatokay?”Iask,concernetchingitswayintomyvoice.
Henods.“Ofcourse.Wedoourbesttofindtheleopards,butthey’recunningcreatures.”
“Oh.”Mysmilefallsafraction.
“We’lldoeverythingwecantotrytofindthem.”
Inod.“Ofcourse.Nopressure.”
TheguideturnstowardDeclan.“Andyou,sir?Whatanimalwouldyouliketosee?”
Hegesturestowardme.“Whatevershewants.”
“Youdon’thaveafavoriteanimal?”Iask.
“SeeingasI’mnotfive,no.”
Itrytocoaxanansweroutofhim.“Comeon.Iknowitwasalongtimeago,butthinkbacktoyourchildhood.Therehadtobeatleastoneanimalyoulikedmorethantherest.”
Heshootsmeawitheringglare.“Elephants.”
“Elephants?”
Hislipstwitch.“Whatdidyouexpect?Alion?”
“Honestly?Yes.”
“They’reoverrated.”
“Andelephantsaren’t?”
Hiseyesshifttowardthelandscape.“Mymomlikedthem.”
Mychesttightensfromhisadmission.ThelostlookinDeclan’seyesthreatensmycontrolovermytearducts.Somethingaboutthewayhespeaksofhismotheralwaysseemstosoftenmetowardhimlikemagic.
Idon’tthinkasIgrabhisballed-upfistandlaceourfingerstogether.“Shehadgoodtaste.”
Anoisegetstrappedinhisthroatbeforeheplaceshisotherhandontopofmine,securingittohisthigh.MybodyvibrateslikeI
touchedalivewire.
Ilookoverattheguide.“Allright,youheardtheman.Let’sgofindhimsomeelephants.”
DeclanandIhavesharedplentyofmealstogetherovertheyears.
Whilemosthavebeenstrictlybusiness,therehavebeenaselectfewwherewedidn’thaveasetagendatodiscuss.Noneofthoseevencomeclosetosittingacrossfromhimnowwithoutanykindofdistraction.Nocellphones.Nonotestotake.Nothingbutoneanother’scompanytokeepusoccupied.
Butunlikepastdinners,todayscreamsromance.
It’sahoneymoon.Whatdidyouexpect?
Maybesomethingalittlemorediscreet?Whentheymentionedadinnerunderthestarsintheirbrochure,Ithoughttheymeantalittlesandwichandwineoutofacanteen.Whattheyreallymeantwasafull-blowndiningexperiencewithwhitelinensandtop-shelfchampagne.
Andflowers.Andabonfire.AndenoughtensionbetweenDeclanandmetosuffocateanyonewithinaten-footradius.
“Soisn’tthislovely…”Iofferatightsmile.
Declanpullsmychairoutbeforesituatinghimselfintheseatacrossfromme.Candlelightdancesacrosshisface,bringingoutthesharpdipsandcontours.
Myheartbeatsharderagainstmychestfromthewayhelooksatme.Ourguidebreaksthesilenceashepopsabottleofchilledchampagneforus.Forasecond,Iconsidertheideaofaskinghimtojoinuswithourdriver,butheleavesbeforeIhaveachance.
“So…”Ipouraglassofchampagneandchughalfofit.
“Whyareyounervous?”
IshouldhaveknownwhileIstudiedDeclan’stells,hedidthesame.“I’mnotnervous.”
“You’rechuggingchampagnelikeyouwonaGrandPrix.”
Igrin.“Iheardthat’sthefirststepinbecominganF1WAG.”
“WAG?”Hispuzzledexpressioniscute
No.Notcute!Declanandthewordcutebelongtogetherasmuchaswaterandelectricity.Bothequallydeadly.
Itakeanotherlongsipofmydrink.“Wifeandgirlfriend.”
Heflicksmyweddingrings.“ThisAlatorrecrushisspiraling.”
“Themanhashisowncharity.Onethatgiveskidsfreeprosthetics,forcryingoutloud.Heispracticallybeggingfortheworldtofallinlovewithhim.”
“I’maware.”
“Youare?”
Heshrugs.“Isponsorafewkids.”
Ishoothimalook.“Donatingtocharityasataxwrite-offdoesn’tcountasasponsor.”
Theticinhisjawmakesanappearance.“GoodthingIdon’tincludeitinthepaperworkthen.Wouldn’twantmydonationtobenullandvoid.”Thebitternessinhisvoicemakesmeflinch.
Wait.Isheactuallyawillingsponsor?Howisthatpossible?
Declanhasgrumbledabouteverycharityeventwe’veattendedovertheyears,andittookallmypowertoconvincehimtogoeverysingletime.
Hishardenedgazeswitchesfrommetothestarsabove.Aveinappearsabovehiseye,andI’mhitwithawaveofguiltsohard,breathingbecomesdifficult.
Shit.Hereyouaremakingassumptionsabouthimwhenheisonlytryingtotalk.Iwanttoslapmyselfandgobackintimeifonlytoreplacethatlookonhisface.
“Itwasshittyofmetoassumeyouwereonlydoingitforapersonalbenefit.”
Hesighs,notbreakingcontactwiththesky.“Idon’tgiveyouareasontothinkotherwise.It’snotlikeI’moutherewinninganyNoblePeacePrizes.”
Thatheisnot.Hesuredidn’tearnhisreputationasaheartlessbusinessmanfornothing.PeoplethinktheCEOhasallthepower,butthemanbehindthespreadsheetscallstheshots.Becauseifitdoesn’tmaketheKanesanymoney,thenitdoesn’tserveapurpose,whichmeansit’scutfromtheprogram.
WelcometotheKaneCompanywhereemployeewagesareasdismalascompanymorale.
Butstill,mywholechestachesforhimbecauseobviouslyIhaveathingformisunderstoodbillionaires.“Itwasstupidofmetosay.
I’msorry.”
“YouknowhowIfeelaboutapologies.”
“Unlessthey’rebloodsacrificesmadeinyourhonor,don’tbother.”
Thecornersofhislipslift.Gothim.Mysmilewidens,whichonlymakeshisdisappearbeforeithadachancetoformintosomethingdevastating.
“Whatmadeyouwanttobecomeasponsor?”Myquestionisinnocent.Anolivebranchofsorts.Itmightbeaselfishquestion,butIdon’twanttostoptheconversation.ThisisasideofDeclanIknownothingabout,andIwon’tforgivemyselfifheclosesbackupagainbecauseofmystupidassumption.
Hisgazeslowlymakesitswaybacktome.“IthoughtSantiago’scomebackstorywasadmirable.”
Ismile,gratefulheofferedmoreinformation.“See!Evenyoucan’tresisthim!Faceit.Thatmancanwrapanyonearoundhisfinger,includingyou.”
Thecornersofhislipsrise.“HemighthavebeenthereasonIdonatedinthefirstplace,butIcontinuedbecauseofthekids.”
“Kids?”
Hepullsouthisphoneandtapsthescreenafewtimes.“Here.”
Igrabontohisphonelikeanationaltreasure.Thefirstphotomakesmyjawdrop.It’soneofared-headedchildflippingoffthepersontakingthephotowithonemetalfinger.“Cute.”
“That’sFreddy.”
Heknowsthembyname.Myheartthreatenstoburstinsideofmychest.
“MayI?”Iwanttokeepswipingthroughhisphotosandlearnmoreaboutthemanwhohideshimselfawayfromtheworld.
Iwanttoknoweverything
Henods.Iswipethroughasetofphotosfeaturingthreeotherkids.Eachofthemhavedifferentprosthetics,withonechild
requiringfour.
Irecognizethelocationofonephotoinstantly.
“YouallwenttoDreamland?”
“Theydid.”
Huh.“Wherewereyou?”
“Working.”
“Youdidn’twanttogo?”
“Doesitmatter?”
Yes!Iwanttoyell,butmythroatdriesupandIloseallcapacitytospeak.Thetightnessinmychestintensifies,havingeverythingtodowithhowhesentthekidstoDreamlandtogetherwithouthimdespitehimwantingtobethere.
Idon’tknowwhyitmakesmesadbutitdoes.Maybeit’sbecauseDeclanhashiseyessetonapositionhethinkswillbetheanswertoeverything,allwhilemissingoutonwhatlifehastooffer.Andfrankly,that’snowaytolive.
Forsomeonehell-bentonsucceedingateverything,hetrulyfailsatlife.Iwanttohelphimrealizethatthereissomuchmoretoeverythingthanmerelyexisting.Thatifhespendsanymoreyearsskippingoutonwhatistrulyimportant,hemightregretitlater.No.
Hewillregretit.Icanguaranteeitbecausetherewillalwaysbesomenewgoalhethinkswillfillthatgapingholeinhischest.Allofthemwillfallshort.It’saviciouscycledrivenbyonesadfact:heislookingforhappinessinallthewrongplaces.
IspotallthesignsI’vebecomepersonallyfamiliarwith.
Thenwhatareyougoingtodoaboutit?
20
IRIS
Heavyrainsplattersagainstthedeck,obscuringourviewofthebush.Darkgraycloudsblockoutanysunlight.Myfaithaboutgoingoutontoday’ssafaridwindleswitheachdropofwatersplashingagainsttheground.
“Doyouthinkthey’llstilltakeusouttoday?”Iask,unabletostopthehopefromseepingintomyquestion.
Alightningboltcutsthroughthecloudsbeforearumbleofthundershakestheglass.
Heshakeshishead.“We’renotgoingoutinastormlikethat,regardlessofwhattheysay.”
“But—”
“No.”
Ihuff.“It’sasummershower.It’llbegonebeforeyouknowit.”
Lightningstrikesagain,fillingtheskywithabrightlight.Heshootsmealookthatrequiresnotranslation.
“Fine.You’reright.”MybottomlipjutsoutasIpout.
“You’regivingupalready?Atleastmakemeworkforit.”Hiseyesrivaltheblindinglightoutside.Thewayhestaresatme,withquietchallenge,hasmewantingtopushback.
“Partofmethinksyoulikepickingfightswithmebecauseit’stheonlywayyouknowhowtokeepmearound.”
Anoisegetstrappedinhisthroat.“WhywouldIwantthat?”
“BecauseIthinkyouliketalkingtome.”
“Isanyoneelseawareofwhatanarcissistyouare?”
“I’msurprisedyounoticedwithhowobsessedyouarewithyourself.”
Hespoilsmewithasmallsmilethatgivesmethesamerushofprideasclimbingthetallestmountain.Igrinbackathim,andhiseyesdroptomylips.Thewarmthinmychestreroutesitselftowardadifferentareaofmybody.
“Admitit.Youlikehangingaroundme.”
Nowyou’reflirtingwithhim?
Hissmileonlyexpands.“Idon’texactlyhateit.”
“Comingfromyou,that’spracticallyadeclarationoflove.”
Heblinks,andI’mhitwiththetemptationtoslapmyself.
Ugh.Whydidyouphraseitlikethat?
Becauseyou’retoobusyflirtingtouseyourcommonsense.
“Well,thisismysigntogojumpinfrontofthenearestmovingvehicle.”Iturnawayfromtheslidingdoor,desperateforsomedistance.
Runwhileyoustillcan.
“Whatdoyouplanondoingtoday?”Hisquestionshocksme.
Istopandlookovermyshoulder.“Whyareyouasking?”
“I’mcurious.”
“Idoubtyou’reinterestedinwhateverIhaveplanned.”
Youdon’thaveaplan.
ThenIbetterthinkofonequickbecausethelastthingIneedistospendmoretimewithDeclan.I’malreadyweakwhenitcomestohim.
“Tryme.”
Fuck.
“I’llprobablywatchTValldayuntilmybrainmelts.”
“Soundsabsolutelyriveting.”
Theglassdoorshakeswithanotherrumbleofthunder.ItakeitasmyhinttogetoutofherebeforeDeclanasksmeanymorequestions.
“Atleastyoucanspendthedaycatchinguponwork.I’msureitkillsyoutobeawayfromyourcomputerformorethantwenty-four
hours.”IsendhimonelastsmileovermyshoulderbeforeIexittheroom.
Theclappingofhisleathershoesagainstthetilefollowsmeallthewayintothelivingroom.Itrytoignorehim,buthemakesitprogressivelydifficultasheparkshimselfonthecouchbesideme,leavingonlyacushionbetweenus.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Ifrown.
“Anexperiment.”
“Pardon?”Ichoketheremotecontrol.
“Iwanttoseejusthowmanyhoursittakesbeforeyourbrainmelts.Strictlyforscientificpurposes.”
OhmyGod.Doesheactuallywanttospendtimewithyououtsideofstagedeventsandsocialmediapropaganda?
“Youwanttojoinme?”
“Ihavenothingbettertodo.”
ThathastobethebiggestbackhandedcomplimentI’veeverreceived,yetitmakesmesmilenonetheless.Declanhasplentyofthingstodo.Hecouldspendthedaycatchinguponworkthatispilingupduringourvacation,buthewouldratherwatchTVwithme.
Aflutteringsensationinmystomachmakesmeantsy.Ishouldn’tobsessoversomethingassmallasDeclansacrificinghisworktospendtimewithme,butIdoanyway.Thisisamanwhowillmakebusinessdealsfromhisbedwithafeverofahundredandthree.
HimtakingadayofftodonothingbutwatchTVishuge.
Don’tgetusedtoit.
Easiersaidthandone.BecauseifDeclankeepsdoingsweetthingslikethis,Imightstartcravingthem.Andthatcanonlyleadtoonething.
Disappointment.
IturnonthesmartTV,signintomystreamingserviceaccount,andchoosemycomforthomerenovationshow,hopingitcaneasetheanxietybubblinginsideofme.Ituckmylegsundermeandgetcomfortable.Itdoesn’ttakelongfortheweightpressingagainstmychesttolessen,andI’mgratefulforit.
Bythetimethecreditsroll,IexpectDeclantoriseupanddismisshimselffromtherestofmyplans.Heremainsseatedasthenextepisodestartsautomatically.
“Youdon’thavetostickaroundifyoudon’twantto,”Iofferhimanout.
Heonlyrepliesbygrabbingtheremotefromthecoffeetableandputtingthevolumelouder.
Well,thatanswerseverything.
Hewantstospendtimewithyou.
Myskintinglesinresponse,andIcan’thelphidingmysmilewithathrowpillow.
“Anotherone?”hegrumblesbeforeshovingahandfulofpopcornintohismouth.
IswearDeclanconsumesmorefoodthananentirefootballteam.
Ifitweren’tforthefactthatImanagehisschedulesohecanmaketimeforworkingout,Iwouldbeconcernedaboutthewayheeatshiswaythroughmyentirestashofsnacksinlessthanfourhours.
Ihitthemutebutton,silencingtheTV.“Doyouhaveaproblemwiththat?”
“You’vewatchedeightepisodesinarowofthemdoingthesameexactthing.”
“AndIcouldwatchanothereightmorewithoutevergettingbored.”Istealbackmybowlofpopcornfromhislap.There’ssomethingcalmingaboutwatchingmyfavoritehomeimprovementcouplerenovatedilapidatedhomes.Theepisodesareshortandpredictable,whichmakesthemaneasychoicewhenI’mfeelingoutofsorts
“Why?”heasks.
“BecauseI’mgettinginspired.”
Hisbrowspulltogether.“Don’ttellmeyouactuallywanttodothisoneday?”
“OfcourseIdo.Itlookslikesomuchfun!”Well,atleastmostofit.Icoulddowithouttheleakingroofsandsewerissuesthatseemtopopupoutofnowhere.
“Theyfoundafamilyofmiceinthelasthome.”Thelookofhorroronhisfacemakesmecrackup.
“Nothingadoptingaferalcatcan’tfix.”
“I’mallergictocats.”Hisnosewrinkles.
“Goodthingyoudon’thavetoworryaboutthatthen.”
“Whynot?”Hisvoicedrops.
Ilaughandreturnmyattentionbacktothescreen.“Becauseit’sgoingtobemyhouse.IfIwantapetcat,sobeit.”
“Ismyhousenotgoodenoughforyou?”Hisvoicecomesoffflat,buthiseyesareanythingbut.
WheredidthatquestioncomefromandwhydoeshisfacelooklikeI’mpersonallyattackinghim?
“Ofcourseyourhouseisgoodenough.Fornow,atleast.”
“Fornow,”herepeatsbackwithadryvoice.
“It’snotlikeweplannedonmelivingthereforever.”
“Iknowthat.”
“Youhaveaverynicehouse,”Ibacktrack.
“Notniceenough,”hemuttersunderhisbreath.
Isheactuallyoffendedbymycomments?Theideaalonemakesmychestclench.Declanisn’tthekindtogetoffendedbyanything,butIsupposeifIinvestedtwentymilliondollarsintoahome,Iwouldn’twanttohearnegativecommentsaboutiteither.
Idancebetweenbeinghonestandpolite.“It’sjustthat…it’snotmystyle.”
“Andwhatexactlyisyourstylethen?Aforest?”
MychestshakesasIreleasealoudlaugh.“No.”
“Thenwhat’stheissue?”
“Yourplaceisempty,cold,anddevoidofanykindofpersonality.
Itmightbeahouse,butit’sthefurthestthingfromahome.”
Hestrokeshisstubbledcheek.“Thatmakesnosense.”
“Letmetrytoexplain.”
“Byallmeans,pleasedo.”
Itakeadeepbreath,consideringhowIcanexplainsuchadarkpartofmylifewithoutdivingtoodeepintomyemotions.Declanonlyknowsbitsandpiecesofmypast.Revealingtoomuchcouldopenmyselfuptogrowingclosertohim,andthat’sthelastthingeitherofusneeds.
“Myparents’divorcewasn’tthemostconventional.”Iswallowthelumpinmythroat.
Declandoesn’tsomuchasbreatheasIgatherupthecouragetocontinue.
“Myfather—ifyoucanevencallhimthat—wasnotagoodguy.
Hewas…mean.”Thatfeelsliketheunderstatementofthecentury,butIcan’tfinditinmetosaymorethanthat.
Declan’shandsclenchagainsthislap.“Washemeantoyou?”
Isigh.“Yes.Butnotnearlyasbadashewastomymom.”
Hisupperlipcurlswithalookofdisgust.“Don’tdothat.”
Mybrowstugtogether.“Dowhat?”
“Downplayyourexperiencebecausesomeoneelsehaditharderthanyou.”
I’mtouchedbyhiscomment.Ispentmywholelifetellingmyselfhowthingscouldhavebeenworse.I’veseenthestatsondomesticviolence.Thewaytheviciouscyclecontinuesuntilsomeonegetsseverelyhurt,orworse,dies.Dealingwithmyfather’sangerandhatefulwordsseemedlikeasmallpricetopayforthefutureIhavenow.Fortheonemymotherhastoo.
Wetnesspoolsatthebottomofmyeyes,andI’mquicktoblinkitaway.
Getaholdofyourself.
Imusterupadeepbreathandcarryon,remindingmyselfofthewholepointofthisconversation.“Anyway…mymomandImovedoutofmychildhoodhousewithtwosuitcasesandathickwadofcashshespentawholeyearsavingup.ShetriedherhardesttosellmeontheideaofmovingintoashoeboxapartmentwithNana.Ispentawholeweekcrying,tellingherIwantedtogohome.”
“Whathappenednext?”Heseemsgenuinelyinterestedinhearingmore,soitfillsmewithenoughcouragetocontinue.
“Shetaughtmehowanyonecanbuyahouse,butnoteveryonecanbuyahome.Withahouse,youcanbuyit,sellit,renovateit.”IpointattheTV.“Butahomeismoreabstract.It’snotaplace,butafeelingIcan’tdescribe,soyou’lljusthavetotakemywordforit.”
“Afeeling,”herepeatsbackwithamonotonousvoice.
“Youknow,thosepeskyemotionsyouturnedoffagesago?”
Hefrowns.“ThatsoundslikethebiggestbullshitI’veeverheard.”
Ilaugh.“Iknewyouwouldn’tgetit.”Ihavetogivehimcreditforatleastlisteningtomystory.
“Onlybecauseyou’reterribleatdescribingthings.”
Igrin.“LikeIsaid,you’llknowitwhenyoufeelit.”
AtleastIwouldhopeso.TheideaofDeclanneverfindingaplacetocallhomesaddensmemorethananythingabouthispast.
Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit?
Ihaveanidea,butitsrisksarenothingshortofcatastrophic.Still,Ican’tfinditinmetostoptheexcitementbubblinginsideofme.
Youcouldbetheonetohelphimmakehishouseahome.
Worstideaever.
21
IRIS
“Hey.”Someonenudgesmyshoulder.
“Ugh.Letmesleep.”IgrabapillowandcovermyheadtodrownoutDeclan’svoice.
“There’ssomethingoutsideyou’regoingtowanttosee.”
“Shh.”ItugtheblanketIwassnuggledintoovermyhead.
Wait.Ablanket?Idon’trememberfallingasleep,letalonehavingtheenergytograbablanket.
“Thismightbeyouroneandonlychancetoseealeopard,soifIwereyou,I’dgetup.Now.”
“What?”Iboltuprightonthecouch.ThemutedTVstillplaysinthebackground.SomehowIendedupsprawledoutonthecouch,takingovermysideandtheplacewhereDeclansatbefore.
Huh.Strange.
“Followme.”Heleavesmerunningafterhimasheexitsthelivingroom.
Theonlysourceoflightwehaveisthemoonshiningthroughthewindows.Declanweavesthroughthehousebeforetakingmetowardhisbedroom.
“Thisbetternotbesomeploytogetmeintoyourroom.”
Despitethelowlight,Icanmakeouttheglarehesendsmywayoverhisshoulder.
“I’mjoking.”
“GoodbecauseIhavenointerestindoingsuchathing.”
Well,then.Hedoesn’tneedtosoundsoagainsttheidea.
“Thenwhyarewehere?”
“IwasinthemiddleoftakingashowerwhenInoticedsomethingoutside.”Hewalksstraightintohisdarkbathroom.
I’msofocusedonhisstorythatIsliponamassivepuddle.IslidestraightintoDeclan’sback,andheletsoutanoomph.Hestrugglestomaintainhisbalance,buthisquickreflexessaveusbothfromtakingatumble,althoughmychesttakesabeatingafterrunningintopuremuscle.
“Whyistheresomuchwateronthefloor?”IcatchthereflectionofatrailleadingfromDeclan’sshowertothedoor.
“Iwasinarush.”
Heboltedfromtheshowerforme?Idon’tevenknowwhattomakeofthatknowledgeexcepttoconcentrateonmybreathingsoIdon’tpassoutfrompureshock.
Hedoesn’tgivemeachancetoharponthedetailsofhimrunningoutoftheshowertocomegetme.Hishandmotionsmeforward,andIgrabontohisextendedpalm.Hehelpsmeintotheemptyporcelaintubthatissetupinfrontofabigwindowthatfacesasmallrivertothesideofourbungalow.
“Lookoverthere.”Hepointsintothedarkness.
“WhatamIlookingfor?”
“Youdon’tseeit?”Hefrownsandleansforward.
Ilaugh.“It’spitchblack.”
Hesquintsandpoints.“Rightthere.Betweenthetwotreesinfrontoftheriver.”
Itrytoseewhatheislookingatandfail.“Nope.”
Heleansinclosersohecanusemyhandasanarrow.“Rightthere.”
“OhmyGod.”IblinkagaintomakesureI’mnotseeingsomeapparition.“It’saleopard!”
“Shh.”
Whowouldhavethoughtwewouldfindoneoutsideourbungalowofallplaces?We’vebeenoncountlesssafarisandcomeup
emptyeverysingletime.
“Howdidyouevenseeit?It’ssodarkoutside.”
“Itsetoffthemotion-censoredspotlight.IthoughtitwouldrunawaybeforeIhadachancetocomegetyou,butitseemedmorecuriousthananything.Probablyitwasthirstyenoughtostickaround.”
“Orhungryenough.”Ishudderatthethought.DeclanandIhavefoundmultipleanimalsallloomingaroundtheriver,takingtheirfillofwater.I’msuresomeevensleepbyit.
Idon’tknowhowmuchtimepasses,butDeclanandIsittogetherinanemptytubwatchingtheleopardasitprowlsaroundthearea.Itfeelslikehourspassusbyasthemoonslowlybeginsitsdescent.
“Diditmeetyourexpectations?”heasksastheleoparddisappearsbackintothebush.
“Yes!”Iturnandthrowmyarmsaroundhim.“Thankyouforremembering.”
Hisstiffarmseventuallyreturnthegesture,andIholdhimeventighteragainstme.Neitheroneofusspeaks.Withthewaymychestwarmsinhisproximity,I’mtemptedtostickaroundlonger.
Heclearshisthroat.“Weshouldgettosleep.It’sgoingtobealongdaytomorrow.”
Mywholefacefeelslikeitcouldcatchonfire.“Right.Ofcourse.”
Idisentanglemyselffromhisgraspandjumpoutofthetub.
Declanstandsandfollowsaftermeoutofhisbathroom.I’mcarefulnottosliponanymorepuddles,althoughitseemslikeenoughtimewentbyforthemtoevaporate.
“Thanksagain.Forallthis.”
Hesaysnothing,butthesatisfiedlookonhisfacespeaksvolumes.Iescapehisroomandcrawlintobedwiththebiggestsmileonmyface.
AllthankstoDeclan.
IdropmyemptyluggagebythefootofthebedsoIcananswermyringingphone.
“Pleasetellmeyou’renotpregnant.”
“I’msorry?DidyoujustaskifI’mpregnant?”Islamafisttomychesttwicetohelpmebreathe.
“Yes.”
“Why?!”Idouble-checkmyperiodtrackerappdespitethefactthatIhaven’thadsexinmonths.
“Youdon’tknow.”Mom’svoicecracks.
Mykneesshake,soItakeaseatontheedgeofthemattress.
“Whathappened?”
“Thereare…storiescomingoutaboutyou.”
“Me?”
“AndDeclan.”
Mystomachdrops.“Sendthemtome.”
Shemakesanoise.“Ithinkit’sbetterifyoudon’tseethem.”
Shit.AcidcrawlsupmythroatasIignoremymotherandtypemynameintothesearchenginewithshakyfingers.Theresultsarehorrifying.Eachheadlinesomehowseemsworsethanthelast.
Buzzwordslikefakemarriage,babyclause,andgolddigger.NewsarticlesIcanhandle,butit’sthecommentsectionsthatreallysting.
AfterthefirstoneclaimsIdon’tdeservechildrenbecauseofthemockeryImadeoutofmarriage,Iexittheinternetapplication.Ifthat’sthefirstone,Ican’timaginehowawfultherestare.
Mysocialmediaprofilesarenobetter,withallofthembeingcloggedwithpeoplesendingmedirectmessages.Evenafewdirectthreats
Mystomachchurns.“Noneofthisistrue.”
Except,isn’tit?
Imutemyphoneandproceedtoscreamintothemattress.
Momremainsunawareofmybreakdown.“Obviouslynot.I’veseenthewayyoutwointeract.Thesesoullesspeoplearejustlookingtoruinanyonesotheycansellafewcopies.”
IhavenoideawhatmymomthinksshesawbutIrefusetoarguewithher.Therearewaybiggerfishtofry.
“WhatamIsupposedtodo?”Myvoiceshakes.
“Mypoorbaby.”Mom’svoicecracks.“Ihatethatthey’resayingthesethingsaboutyou.Themcallingyouamoney-hungry…”Hervoicedriftsoff,asifitpainshertofinishthatsentence.
Don’tworry,Mom.Ithurtsmejustasmuch.Theamountofwomenwhowrotenastycommentsonmysocialmediapostsisnothingcomparedtotheoneswhoprivatelymessagedmetheirthoughts.Isetmyaccountstoprivate,butthestainoftheirwordsstilllingers.
I’msoclosetocrackingwitheachshudderybreathItake.
“Don’tletthesepeoplegettoyou.”Mom’svoicestandsfirm,andithelpseasethesmallestfractionoftensionfrommyshoulders.
“It’salittletoolateforthat,”Igrumble.
“They’renothingbutrumors.”
“Excepteveryoneistalkingaboutmymarriage,includingfreakingFinanceToday.”IknowI’veofficiallyhitrockbottomwhenthespreadsheetnerdsareouttogetme.
“Theycansayanythingtheywant,butthatdoesn’tmakeanyofittrue.”
Oh,Mom.Ifonlyyouknew.“But—”
“Nobuts.Thesereporterswillcomeupwithanykindofstorytosellsomepapers.It’sdisgustingthattheywouldcomeafteryourmarriagelikethis,butI’mnotsurprised.”
MeneitherwhenIcometothinkofit.Thetimingisalmosttooperfect,withDeclanandmebeingunabletodoanythingaboutitfromhere.
WitheacharticleIread,myangerintensifies.Iknowexactlywhoreleasedthesestoriesintotheworld,hopingforthiskindofreaction.
SethKaneisluckyI’mthousandsofmilesawayfromhimorelseIwouldgivehimapieceofmymind.
Orfist.
Idon’tthinkanyonecouldreadcommentslikethataboutthemselvesandnotfeelsomekindofemotiontowardit.Butdespitemyfeelings,IknowwhoIamandwhatIstandfor.Nothinganyonesayswillchangemymind,butitdoesn’tmeantheirwordsstillcan’taffectme.
UnlikeDeclan,Ididn’tgrowupinthiskindofworld.I’mnotaccustomedtohavingmyimageplasteredallovereverycelebritygossipsite,pickingateverythingthatmakesmewhoIam.Itmakesmewanttohideawayfromeveryoneandeverything,butitalsomakesmewanttofight.
“I’mgoingtofixthis.”Iholdmychinup.
“How?”
Iwon’tallowlogisticstokillmymotivation.“Idon’tknowyet,butI’llfigureitout.”
“Oh,baby.Youcan’tchangepeople’snarratives.Theyaregoingtothinkwhattheywantbasedonthefactsthey’representedwith,andnothingyoudowillchangethat.”
Mom’swordscausealightbulbtoshineabovemyhead—asifitwasblessedbyGodhimself.
WhatifIcreateastorysoenticing,theycan’thelpbutwanttochangetheirview?Icancontrolhowpeopleperceiveus.Itmighttakeabitofworkonmyend,butithastobebetterthanthealternative.Becauseifstorieslikethiscontinuetopileup,BradyKane’slawyerwillmostlikelystartquestioningtheauthenticityofeverything.
No.ThereisnowayIwillallowthattohappen.Ididn’tgothroughallthetroubleofmarryingDeclansohisfathercouldruineverythinganyway.SethKanemighthavewonthisround,buthehasawholeotherthingcomingifhethinksI’llletafewnewsheadlinesholdmeback.Whilehissonshavetoremaindiplomaticaroundhimforthesakeofinvestorsandboardmembers,Ihavenoissuesgettingdirty.
Heputatargetonhisback,andIcan’twaittopullthetrigger.
22
DECLAN
Disconnectingfortheremainderofmyhoneymoonwasamistake.Ihaveneverspentanhourwithoutcheckingmyphone,letalonedays.
Thisiswhathappenswhenyoutakeavacation.
Duringmytimeoffthegrid,someoneleakedastorytothegossipmagazinessayingmymarriagewasstaged.Idon’tdoubtmyfatherwasbehindthiskindofcampaign,althoughitwillbedifficulttoproveit.
Ihavetogivehimcredit.Hewasthorough,makingsuretoincludeasetoffakedocumentsdetailingshitIrisandIneverevendiscussedinourcontract.Itportraysmeastheexactmonstertheworldexpectsofme.Headlinesaboutaspeculatedinheritance.
Interviewsfromsoon-to-beex-employeesclaimingmyrelationshipwithIriscameoutofnowhere,allbecauseofaclausefrommygrandfatheraboutgivingbirthtoanheir.Thereareevensonogramphotosofachildwhosureasshitisn’tmine.
Iwouldn’tbataneyeattheheadlines,butthewaytheytalkaboutIris…Nowthatissimplyunacceptable.
Younevercaredabouttheiropinionsinthepast…
ThatwasbeforeIhadsomeoneworthprotectingfromthescumoftheearth.Irisisn’tnaive.Sheknowshowthemediaportraysme
andwhatmighthavehappenedifshemarriedme.Butthis…EvenI’mhorrifiedatsomeofthecomments.
ItuckmyphoneinmypocketbeforeIsmashitintoamillionpieces.“Callmylawyerwhenweland.”
Irislooksupfromhertablet.“Whatfor?”
“I’minthemoodtomakepeoplemiserable.”
“Canitstillbeconsideredamoodifit’saconstantstateofbeing?”
Iglare.
Sheholdsherhandsupinsubmission.“What’swrong?”
“I’mabouttoslaphalfofChicagowithalibellawsuit.”
HerlipsformasmallOasshenodsherhead.“Ahh.SoItakeitthatyousawthearticles?”
Iblink.“Youknowaboutthem?”
Shemovesherheadupanddownagainashereyesshiftawayfrommine.
“Andyoudidn’tthinktotellme?”
Herheavysighbattlestobeheardovertheenginesstartingup.
“MymomcalledmewhileIwaspackingthismorningandtoldmeaboutthem.Iwashopingwewouldmakeitthroughtheflightbeforeyoureadthem,butIseeitwasalostcause.”
“Whydidn’tyoutellmethemomentyousawthem?”Andpleasetellmeyoudidn’treadthecomments.
“BecauseIdidn’tfinditworthruiningourlastdaytogetherwithsomethinglikethis.”
“Whothefuckcaresaboutthat?”
Sheoffersmeatightsmile.“Ifyou’reworriedaboutwhatthelawyermightthink,Ialreadyhaveaplan.Irefusetoletyourfatherbeatus.”
Us.Notyou.Theideaofusworkingasateamagainstmyfatherpleasesme,butnotenoughtoerasetheangerIfeelaboutherputtingmyinheritancefirst.“Fucktheplanandfuckmyfather.
That’snotwhat’simportanthere.”
Shebatsherlashes.“My,my,Declan.Areyouoffendedforme?”
“Theycalledyouamoney-hungrywhore.”Mymolarssmashtogether.
“Atleasttheychoseagoodphotoofmeforthatone.ThereportersoverattheChicagoChronicleweren’taskindwhenitcametomysecretpregnancyannouncement.”
“What?”IcanbarelyseepasttheblackdotsfillingmyvisionasIpulloutmyphoneagain.
Irisplacesherhandovermine.“Don’tworryaboutit.”
Ishouldbereassuringher.Noonedeservestobetalkedaboutthatway.Whilesomecommentsaretobeexpected,likeheronlymarryingmeforapaycheckormylastname,therestaredespicable.
Theypickapartherlooks.Herintelligence.Herheart.Eachonemakesmewanttofindtheinternettrollswhosaidsomethingnegativeaboutherandstranglethemwiththeircomputercords.IfIthoughtIhatedthemediabefore,nothingcomparestotheburningdesiretoerasethefirstamendmentfromAmericanhistory.
Shegivesmyhandasqueeze,pullingmebackfrommymurderousthoughts.“They’reonlywords.”
Inside,I’mseething.Ontheoutside,I’mjustascoldandcalculatedasthearticlesdescribemetobe.“Iexpectedadifferentreactionfromyou.”
Whatdidyoureallythinkshewoulddo?Yell?Scream?Cry?
Anythingwouldbebetterthanthecurrentalternativeofhertryingtoreassureme.Idon’tdeserveit.
“Iknewallofthiswouldhappeneventually.”Sheshrugsasifnoneofthisbothersher,butit’snothingbutalie.HerchintremblesandIfindmyselffistingmyhandsonmylaptopreventmefromreachingouttocomforther.
Mecomfortingher?Iwouldn’tevenknowwheretostartwithsomethingsoridiculous.“I’llhandlethis.”
Sheraisesabrow.“Whatareyougoingtodo?Defendmyhonor?”
“Attheveryleast.”
Herlaugheasessomeofthetensioninmymuscles.“Pleasedon’tdosomethingstupidbecauseyou’reangry.”
“Iwon’t.”
Sheliftsabrow.“Oranythingthatcouldbedeemedafelony.”
“IsitstillconsideredacrimeifIdon’tgetcaught?”
Hereyesbrighten,chippingawayattheicyblockofmyheart.
“Payingyourwayoutofprisonisn’tsomethingtoshowoffabout.”
“WhatgoodishavingallthismoneyifIhavetofollowthelaw?”
“Therearesomanythingswrongwiththatstatement,Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.”
“Thendon’t.”
Hernosescrunches.“Movingon.Weneedtobestrategicaboutallofthis.I’msureyourgrandfather’slawyerisstartingtobecomesuspiciousaboutthelegitimacyofeverything.”
Whatevergoodmoodshebroughtaboutamomentagoiswipedawaybyhercomment.Howcanshethinkaboutthelawyerduringatimelikethis?Forfuck’ssake,therewerepeoplemakingdeaththreatstowardher.
“Idon’tcareaboutthelawyer.”Atleastnotrightnow
ShelooksatmelikeIgrewasecondhead.“Right.Well,regardlessofyourcurrentopiniononthematter,Ihavetheperfectplan.”
Seeingasherlastplanendedupwithusbeingmarried,Icanonlyimaginehowthisonewillgo.
Iconsidergoingovertomyfather’shouse.Thetemptationtobreakhisjawridesmehard,butIholdback.Punchinghimwouldonlymakemefeelbetterforamomentwhiledestroyingeverythingheloveswillhaveamuchmoresatisfyingalternative.
Growingupbeingraisedbysomeonelikehimmeantdevelopingthesametraitsbecausetosurvivesomeonelikehim,Ineededtoevolve.Ilearnedthroughpainfultrialanderrortoholdmycardsclosetomychestbecausetolovesomethingmeanttorisklosingit.
I’velovedandI’velost,andIdespisebothfeelingsequally.
Aboomingvoiceoutsidemyofficedoor,followedbyIris’sshrilllaugh,hasmemovingtothedoorandturningtheknob.IopenittofindIrisandmyfatherinthemiddleofadeathstarecontest.
Hesmirksatme.“Perfecttiming.Tellyourbitchtoheel.”
IonlymanageasinglestepbeforeIris’sfistflies,slammingstraightintomyfather’sjaw.Irisscreamsasherfistconnectswithhisface.Achillrunsdownmyspine,andIswallowbacktheacidcrawlingupmythroatatIris’scry.
Hetestshisjaw,rubbingthespotshepunchedwithhispalm.
“Youfucking—”
IseeredasIlungeformyfather,butmyattentionshiftswhenIrisletsoutawhimper.
“Ow.”AsingletearslipsdownIris’scheekasshechecksoutherfist.
Idon’tthinkasIjumpintoaction.ShehissesatmewhenItrytoassessherhand,allwhilesheswipesthetearsoffherfacewithhernon-injuredhand.Somethingdefinitelydoesn’tlookrightwithherpinkie,andshewincesasIlightlyrunmyfingeroverit.
“Thatdoesn’tfeeltoogood—”Iriscursesasshebrushesherthumbacrossherknuckles.
“That’swhatyougetforthinkingyoucouldlayahandonme.”
Iswearthismanhasadeathwish.
“Oh,I’dliketolaymorethanahandonyou,youevilfucker.”
Iristriestosteparoundme,butIblockherpath.
“I’llhandlethis.”Igivehershoulderareassuringsqueeze.
Herbrowspulltogetherassheshutshermouth.
“IwascomingheretocheckinonIrisandseehowshewasholdingupafterthosearticlescameout.I’msureitcan’tbeeasybeingreferredtoasamindlessslut—”
BonecrunchesbeneathmyfistasIslamitstraightintomyfather’snose.Adeepsenseofsatisfactionfillsmeashisheadrearsback,rollingwiththemomentumofmypunch.Bloodgushesdownhisfaceanddripsontothecarpet.
Igrinatthemess.
Hetriestostaunchthebleeding,butnothingseemstowork.
“Lookslikeyou’remorelikemethanIthought.”
Somethingdarktakesoverme.“Getout!”IroarasIlungeathim.Myfingersgripontoairashestumblesbackward,trippingoverhisshoesasheholdshisheadback.
Thepressureinmychestdoesn’tlessenashedisappearsthroughthedoubledoors.HopefullyhereturnstowhatevercornerofhellhecrawledoutofbeforeIhaveachancetogetmyhandsonhimagain.
Irishuffs.“Well,thatdidn’tgoexactlyasexpected.”
Iturnaround,findingherhandclutchedtoherchest.Hertwistedexpressionhasmybloodrushingtomyears.
“Pleasetellmethatwasn’tthebigplanyou’vebeenworkingon.”
Shescoffs.“No.Igotabitderailed,butrestassured,myotherideaisfool-proof.”
“I’llbethejudgeofthatgivenyourcurrenttrackrecord.”
Shelaughsbeforewincingatthehandpressedagainstherchest.
“Ouch.”
“Letmehaveabetterlook.”MypulsequickensasIassessherinjury.I’mcarefulnottotouchtheskinnearherknuckles,keepingmindoftheswelling.Itdoesn’tlooklikeanopenfracturesoatleastthatisgoodnews.“You’reinsane.There’snootherexplanationforwhyyouwouldpunchsomeoneinthefacewithoutknowinghow.”
“Ithoughtitwouldbelikethemovies.”Sheflinchesasshechecksoutthedamage.
“Weneedtogetyoutothehospitaltohaveitcheckedout.”Ichokeonthewords,unabletoprocessthereasonIdecidetomakethatcall.Ifuckingdespisehospitals.
“No!I’mfine.See!”Shewigglesherfingersandrecoils.
I’mhitwiththeurgetogofindmyfatherbutholdback.
“Whywouldyoupunchhim?”
Herjawlockstogether,andshelooksdownatherpurpleheels.
Iliftherchinwithmyfinger.“Tellme.”
Shesighs,andittakesanexorbitantamountofeffortnottoshaketheanswersoutofher.
“PromisenottodoanythingillegalifItellyou?”
“No.”
Herheaddrops.“You’renotgoingtobehappy.”
“I’mneverhappy.”Exceptforrareoccasions.AllofwhichIrisisapartof.
Shelooksbackupatme.Hereyeshaveasheentothemthathasnothingtodowithherinjuredhand.“Heofferedmemoneyto…”
“Towhat?”Everymuscleinmybodytenses.
“Topreventmefromhavingababy.Ever.”Shelooksawayasifshecanhidethewayherfaceisawreckofemotions.
I’malreadyhalfwayoutthedoor,bodyhottothetouchandmyheademptyofanythoughtsbesidesfindingmyfatherandpummelinghimintotheground.
Ishouldhaveknownhewouldtrytopulloffastuntlikethis.
Partofmehadstupidlyhopedhewouldhavesomesenseofdecencyleft,butitseemshedoesn’thaveamoralboneleftinhisbody.IunderestimatedjusthowfarhewouldgotoretainhispositionasCEO.Becausewithoutit,hewouldhavenothingtolivefor.Hiskidshatehimandhiswifeisdead.Losinghisexecutivepositionwouldbethelastblowinhismiserablelife.
Irisgripsontomyarmandtugsmeback.“Wait!”
“Ican’ttalktoyourightnow.”Ican’ttalktoanyone,letaloneher.
You’retheonewhobroughtherintothismess.Whatdidyouexpect?
Bloodheatsbeneathmyskin.Itrytoshakeheroff,butherholdonlygrowsmoredesperate.
“Ineedyoutotakemetothehospital.”
Ipause,seeingthroughthecloudofredhazeblockingmydecision-making.“What?”
Hermistyeyeslockontomine.“I’minalotofpain.”
Fuck.Ireleasearaggedbreathandshutmyeyes.“Harrisonwilltakeyou.”
“Pleasedon’tmakemegoalone.”Herpleaismyundoing.
MyplantosendmyfatherintoacomaslipsawayasIshutmyeyesandnodmyhead.“Fine.Let’sgetyoutoadoctor.”
23
DECLAN
SinceIrisisunabletoholdaphoneherself,I’mtaskedwithtypingeverythingshedictates.IknewIrishandledalot,butIdidn’tfullyrealizethedepthofherjobuntilshehadmeworkingthrougheachtaskwithher.
Nowondersheisn’thappy.Thenumberofemailsshehastosiftthroughinagivenhourwoulddriveanyoneinsane.OrmaybeI’mjustgoingcrazybysittingthisclosetoher.Thesmellofhercoconutsoapispermanentlyingrainedintomymemoryasshesitsflushagainstme,pointingatdifferentemailswithheruninjuredhand.
Icantellhernervesgrowstrongeraswenearthehospital.HerkneesbounceupanddownasshedictatesmessageaftermessageIneedtosend,alteringmyentireschedulefortheday.
Theworkdoesn’tstopthere.Afterwecheckin,anursehandsusaclipboardfilledwithpagesofinformationthatneedtobefilledout.
Irisstaresatitlikeitmightcatchonfireatanymoment.
“Here.”Ipassittoher.
Hereyesshifttowardtheexit.“Willyouhelpmeplease?Ican’twritelikethis.”Hervoicedropstoabarelyaudiblewhisper.
“Okay.TellmeyouranswersandI’llwritethemdown.”
Herthroatbobsasshescansthefirstline.Ittakesherfarlongerthannecessarytoreadthefirstquestion,soIbusymyselfwithmy
phone.
“Doyoumindreadingthequestionsaloudforme?I’mtoostressedtoconcentraterightnow.”Herovercompensatingsmileirritatesme.
“Areyousure?Someofthequestionsareprobablypersonal.”
Don’tbeadick.Justdowhatshesays
“Idon’tcare.”Therigidwayshesitsinherchairsaysthecompleteopposite.
Sheseemstobeoneminuteawayfrombreakingdown,soIconcede.IsighasIgrabthepenandgetstartedonthefirstquestion.
Thepaperworkdoesn’ttakeusaslongasIanticipated,soIrisandIsittogetherinsilence.Shestaresattheexitlongingly.Thewayhereyesdartaroundtheroomasshegnawsonherbottomlipmakesmefeelmercifulenoughtosaveherfromtheanxietyeatingherupinside.
“Ifit’sanyconsolation,Ihatehospitalstoo.”
Herheadswingstowardthedirectionofmyvoice.“Youdo?”
Inod.“Haven’tbeentoonesinceIwasyounger.”
“Why?”
MychestheavesasIconsiderthepotentialconsequenceofadmittingmyreason.Ikeepmyeyesfocusedonthesoundlesstelevisionplayinginonecorner.“Wespentalotoftimeinhospitalswhilemymomwassick.Igrewtoresenteverythingaboutthem,evenlongaftershepassed.”
Hergoodhandclaspsontomineandgivesitasqueeze.I’mgratefulsheunderstandsmeenoughnottoaskanyfollow-upquestions.TheideaofofferinganotherrawpartofmyselffeelslikeabetrayaltotheyearsI’vespentcarefullydevelopingacertainkindofpersona.
“Ihatethemtoo.”Hervoicecracks.
“Why?”
Shestaresdownatherswollenhand.“Mydad…”Shepauses,andIgiveherhandareassuringsqueezelikeshegaveme.“Let’sjustsaymymomendedupintheERacoupletimesforbeingclumsy.”
Itakeadeepbreathtostaveofftheangerbubblingbeneaththesurface.“Anddidyouhaveissueswithbeingclumsy?”Ifshesaysyes,IsweartoGodtwomenwillendupfloatingintheChicagoRivertonight.
Sheshakesherheadratheraggressively.“No.No.”
Myrapidheartratecanbeheardthroughmyears.“Ifyouwere,youcantellme.”WhileIcan’tpromiseIwon’tdoanythingaboutit,Icanpromisetomakehimhurt.Alot.
Theoverwhelmingsenseofprotectivenesshitsmehard,andIdon’tshyawayfromit.ThereisnothingIhatemorethanmenwhousetheirfistsagainstinnocentwomenandchildren.
“Itnevergottothatpoint.Nanamadesureofit.”
“How?”
“Shecaughtontothesignsandinterferedbeforethingsgotbad.
Usedhersavingsfrommygrandpa’slifeinsurancepolicytohelpMomgetadivorceandstartanewlife.”Atearslipsdownherface,andIcan’tstandthesightofit.
Ibrushitawaywiththepadofmythumb,butthedamptrailstilllingers.Adrivingforceinsideofmewantstoerasethesadlookonherface.“DidNana’splanalsohappentoincludeajugofsulfuricacid?”
Sheforcesoutalaugh.“Ithinkconcreteshoesweremoreinstylebackthen.”
Ifakeshudder.“RemindmetonevermakeNanaangry.”
“ForgetNana.You’dhavetodealwithme.”Sheholdsupherinjuredhandlikeawartrophy.
“I’mabsolutelyterrified.”
“Mrs.Kane?”anursecallsout.
Irisdoesn’tmoveatthesoundofhername.
“That’syou.”Iplacemyhandonherthighandgiveitasqueeze.
Shesucksinadeepbreathasshestaresdownatmyhand.Herchairnearlytumblesbehindherassheboltsoutoftheseat,throwingheronegoodhandupintheair.“I’mhere!”
Thenurseleadsusthroughtheemergencyroombay.Individualbedslinethewall,eachareadividedbyapapercurtain.
TheemptybedmeantforIrisisunacceptable.Betweenthepersonretchingbehindonepartitionandtheindividualontheothersidehackinguptheirlung,Irefusetoletherbeseenhere.
“I’dlikemywifetobetakencareofinaprivatesuite,”Ispeakup.
Thenursegrimacesashergazeflicksacrossmybody.“Thisisahospital.NottheRitz.Takeaseatandwaitforthedoclikeeveryoneelse.”
Irishopsonthebedwithoutanycomplaint,andI’mtemptedtograbherandgoelsewhere.Thenursedoesn’tseemtheleastbitbotheredbyallthenoisehappeningaroundusasshechecksIris’svitalsandaskssomeroutinequestions.
Irisanswerseachonewhilechewingherbottomlipraw.Thisatmospherecouldn’tputanyoneatease,leastofallher.
Thenursehangstheclipboardatthefootofthebed,andIdecidetotryagain.
“I’llpaywhateverittakestohaveherseensomewherequieter.
Moneyisnoobject.”
Thenurseonlyrepliesbyshuttingthepapercurtaininmyface.
IrislaughswhileIstareatthecurtain,dumbfoundedtobetreatedlikethis.
“Youfindthisfunny?”
Shenods,hereyesalightforthefirsttimeallday.“Didyouseeherfacewhenyousaidmoneyisnoobject?Ithinkifshedidn’tputtheclipboardaway,shewouldhaveslappedyourfacewithit.”
“It’snotmyfaultsheisn’taccustomedtohowthingsaredoneintherealworld.”
“Wakeup,dear.You’relivingintherealworld.”Shewavesaroundourroom
“It’sterrifying.”
“Comehere.I’llmakeitbetter.”Irispatsthebed.
Doubtful,butI’magluttonforgivingherwhatshewantslately.
PapercrinklesasIsitnexttoher.Itakeupmostofthebed,givingherlittleroomtogetawayfromme.Mythighbrushesagainsthers.
Shetriestoscootaway,butthereisn’tenoughspace.
“Isn’tthiscozy?”shequips.
SheeyestheIVbagwithhorrorbeforecheckingouttheexit.
“What’swrong?”
Sheleansclosertomeandwhispers,“IsnowabadtimetoadmitIpassoutwheneversomeonetriestostickaneedleinme?”
Mylipsliftatthecorners.Idon’tknowwhyIfindtheideahilarious,givenherabilitytowatcheightconsecutivehoursofscarymovieswithoutsomuchasflinching.“You’reafraidofneedles?”
Shesputters.“No.I’mnotafraid.ItjusthappenstobeabodilyreactionIcan’tcontrol.”
“That’sgoodthenbecausethenurseneedstosetyouupwiththatIVwhenshecomesback.”
“No!Don’ttellmethat!Ithoughtshewasoneofthegoodones.”
Inod,pressingmylipstogethertopreventmyselffromlaughing.
“Sheliedtome!”SheboltsfromtheseatandwouldhavetrippedoverherownheelsifIdidn’treachoutandcatchher.
“Careful.”Iplaceherbackonthebedanddecidetostandguardincaseshegetsanyideastofleethescene.
Hereyesflitfrommetothegapbetweentwocurtains,asifsheisthinkinghowshecangetpastme.
“I’mjoking.”
Shescansmyfaceforthetruthbeforesheslapsmyshoulderwithhergoodhand.“Asshole!Ibelievedyou!”
Laughterexplodesoutofmelikeabomb,stunningher.
“Didyoujustlaugh?”
“No.”
“Yes.”Someonecallsoutfromtheothersideofthecurtain.
“Now,doyoumindshuttingup?Someofusaretryingtogetsomesleepoverhereafterhavingourstomachpumped.”
Fuckthisplaceandthepeopleinhere.“We’releaving.”
“Notsofast.Youcan’tleavebeforeIcheckyouout.”Thedoctorstrollsinandpointsatthebedwithhisclipboard.
Irisremainstight-lippedasthedoctorchecksherchart.Heaskshersomequestionsabouthowshegothurt,allwhilestaringmeupanddownlikeI’mthepersonshewastryingtoinjure.Sheistakenawayforafewscans,andmybreathingdoesn’treturntonormaluntilthenursebringsherback.
Thatshouldbemyfirstsignthatthingsaregettingoutofhandonmyend.I’minchingclosertoanemotionalminefieldwithoutanykindofmap,onlyonewrongstepawayfromexploding.
Thedoctorchecksthescans.“Itlookslikeyouhaveaboxer’sfracture.”
Herfacebrightens.“Thatsoundsbadass.”
Iglareather.“Calmdown,MuhammadAli.Iwouldn’tcounttodayasavictorybyanymeans.”
Thedoctor’seyeslighten.“Nexttime,avoidanyinitialcontactonthefourthandfifthknuckles.”
“Pleasedon’tencourageher.”
ThedoctorshakeshisheadwithalaughbeforegivingIrisadetailedsetofinstructionsregardingthehealingtime.I’mskepticalaboutthewholevisitand,giventhesetting,doubtfulaboutthelevelofcare.I’llbedamnedifIrissustainspermanentinjuriesbecauseofmyfather.Mychesttightensattheidea.
“Great!Thanks,Doc!”Shehopsoffthebed,butIholdmyarmout,stoppingher.
“I’dlikeasecondopinion.”Thecommandburstsoutofmewithoutanyrhymeorreason.Deepdown,Iknowaboxer’sfractureisn’ttheworstthingthatcouldhavehappened.Butthingsaren’trightinmyheadwhereIrisisconcerned.Atleastnotanymore.
Bothofthedoctor’seyebrowsarch.“Forasmallfracture?”
“Don’tmindhim.Hetendstobeabitoverbearing.”SheshootsmealookasifI’mthecrazyoneoutofthetwoofus.
“Okay…”thedoctorsays.
MaybeIamlosingitbecausewhyelsewouldIcare?
Youhatewhenshecries.
Youwouldn’tmindmurderingsomeonewhohurther.
Youtookhertothehospitaleventhoughyoudespisethemwitheveryfiberofyourbeing.
Thesignsallpointtoonething:oursituationisquicklycrumbling,andI’mtheonlyonetoblame.
Irisinterruptsmythoughts.“I’llbesuretowearthebraceforafewweeksandavoidanykindofactivitiesthatcouldaggravatetheinjury.”
“Perfect.Anddon’tforgettoscheduleafollow-upvisitwithyourphysician.”ThedoctorgivesmeonelastlookbeforehandingIristhedischargepaperwork.“Nicemeetingyou,Mrs.Kane.”
“Willyouhelpmewiththis?”Sheholdsouttheclipboardwithherlefthandasthedoctorleaves.
IhuffasIgrabitfromherandfillitout.
Shechecksthetimeonherphone.“Well,atleastthatdidn’ttakeaslongasIthoughtitwould.I’msureyou’redyingtogetbacktowork.”
That’sthescarything.Ididn’tthinkaboutmyjobonceduringourentiretimeherebecausemakingsureshewastakencareofwasmyonlyconcern.I’vespentthepastfourteenyearsofmylifethinkingsolelyaboutwork,andallittookwasonewomantomakemecompletelyforgetaboutmyresponsibilitiesforafewhours.
Asifthatdoesn’tscaremeenough,itonlytakesoneglanceathermakeshiftbracetomakemybloodburnhotundermyskin.Iknowexactlywhyherinjuryangersmemorethananythingelse.It’sthesamereasonIfeelanurgetopushCalawayfromherwheneverhegetstoocloseorthewayIunexplainablyneedtoseeherwheneversheisoutofmysightforlongerthanafewhours.
Youcareabouther.
Fuck.
ThefirststopafterdroppingIrisoffattheofficeismyfather’stownhouse.Hisassistantletmeknowhetooktherestofthedayoffduetoan“unforeseenillness,”soit’snothardtopinhimdown.
Ialmostexpecthimtoignoremewaitingathisfrontdoor,butIshouldhaveguessedthatheistoopridefultolookweakinfrontofme.
Heopensthedoor,andIblinkatthedamageofhisface.Hisnoseisamessofcartilageandbruising,anditfeelslikeI’mlookinginamirror.Idon’tneedtoreachouttotouchtheslightbumponmynosetorememberit’sthere.Abumphecausedafteraheavypunch
andtoomuchalcohol.MystomachrollsfromtherealizationthatI’mnobetterthanhim,lashingoutwithfistswhenprovoked.
Youwon’tmakethesamemistakeagain.Youcanlearntobebetter.
Despitemyreassuringwords,Ifindithardtobattlethechillingrealization
“Idoubtyoucameheretostareatyourhandiwork,sogetonwithitorgetoffmydamnporch.”
“Icamebytodropsomethingoff.”Islapathickfileagainsthischest.
Ihaveoneforeverypersoninmylife.Secretsareasgoodasanycurrency,andIhappentobefilthyfuckingrich,allthankstotheprivateinvestigatorIhaveonretainer.
Heopensthefilebeforeshuttingitnotaminutelater.“Isee.”
“Takeyourtimeandhaveagoodlook.I’mparticularlyfondofthereportsfrompreviousteachersgoingintodetailaboutyourabuse,althoughthehiddenhospitalvisitsforbrokenbonesareparticularlycompelling.There’saUSBattachedtothebackthatincludessomevideosofourmorepublicaltercationsaswell,justincaseyouwantsomevisualcontextofwhat’scomingifyoumesswithIriseveragain.”
“Whyareyoushowingmethis?Whynotgooutandshareitwitheveryonesoyoucantakeovermyposition?”
Ireleaseabitterlaugh.“BecauseIdon’tneedtoresorttoyourleveltostealyourposition,butI’mwillingtodosoifyoueverpullastuntliketodayeveragain.”
“Youwouldruinourfamily’sreputationforher?”
“Wearen’tfamily.Youmadesureofthatthemomentyoutoldmywifetogethertubestied,youfuckingmonster.”Myhandsclenchbymyside,butIholdbackfromthrowinganotherpunch.I’dratherusewordsasaweaponthanmyfists.
“I’mtryingtosaveyouthemistakeofhavingachildwithsomeonepurelyforaninheritance.Youshouldbethankingme.”
Deepbreaths,Declan.Deepfuckingbreaths.
“IfIcatchyoutalkingtoIrisagain,whetheraboutbusinessornot,I’llreleasethistothepublic.Noquestionsasked.Nosecond
chances.Idon’tcareifyouneedtouseadamnsmokesignaltogetincontactwithme,solongasyouleavemywifeoutofit.”
“You’dpublishthisevenifitmakesyoulookweak?”
“That’sthething,Father.IspentplentyofyearsthinkingIwaspatheticbecauseIcouldn’tfightyouback,butIeventuallyrealizedtheonlyweakmanhereistheonestaringrightatme.Inoneway,IguessI’mgladMomisdeadbecauseatleastshedoesn’thavetofacethedisgustingexcuseofahumanyou’vebecome.”Iturn,feelinghisburninggazefollowingmeallthewaybacktomycar.
24
IRIS
Declanhasbeenabnormallyquieteversinceourtriptothehospitalyesterday.Itrytopryhimawayfromhisfoulmoodwithafewcomments,butitonlyseemstomakehimfrownlikeI’msomenuisance.
Ifpossible,thenextdaybackonlygetsprogressivelyworse.Ican’ttypewithmyrighthand,soI’mlimitedtopeckingindividualkeyswithmyleftindexfinger.I’mtemptedtothrowmykeyboardatthewallafteronlyhalfanhourofworkingonaspreadsheet.Insteadofresortingtoviolence,becauseweallknowhowthatwentlasttime,ItextmyknightinshiningArmani.
Calstrollsintotheofficethirtyminuteslater.“IalwaysthoughtitwouldbeDeclanwhoshowedDadwhatitfeltliketobeonthereceivingendofhisparentingstyle,butitturnsoutyoudidthefavorforhim.”
Mychestachesforthechildrenwhogrewupwithsuchacruelfather.IfonlyIcouldgobackintimeandthrowarealpunch.
Cal’sgazenarrows.“Don’tlookatmethatway.Idon’thavenearlyasmanydaddyissuesastheothertwo.”
“That’sbecauseyouhaveawholehostofotherproblems.”
“Itmakesmelayered.”
“No.Itmeansyouneedtoseektherapy.”
Helaughsashepullsoutthemetalchairacrossfromme.“I’vebeenthere.Donethat.Turnsoutifyou’renotinterestedinchanging,theycan’thelpyoumuch.”
Ishakemyhead.“Imaginethat.”
Hegrins.“SoIheardyouneededmyservices.”
“Depends.Howflexibleareyourplansoverthenextfewweeks?”
“Foryou?Considerthemcanceled.”
Ireleaseasigh.“Iseriouslyoweyouone.Ican’tgetmuchdonewiththisbracewhenittakesmetwentyminutestotypeasingleparagraph.”
“You’regoingtoregretaskingformyhelp.”
“Probably,becauseyoucan’tfocusforshit,butI’malloutofotheroptions.I’mnotabouttospendhoursnexttoatemp.Atleastthiswayyoucanmakemyjobslightlymorebearable.”
“Yousureknowhowtoflatteraman.”
“Declandoesn’tseemtohaveaproblemwithit.”
“Because,mostdays,hecanbarelybeclassifiedashuman,letaloneaman.”
Oh,he’sallmanallright.I’veseentheevidenceinvividdetail.
Calshuddersatwhateverexpressionisonmyface.“OhGod.
Whateverputthatlookonyourfaceneedstogo.Now.”
Declan’smooddeterioratesthroughouttheday.I’malmosthesitantaboutintroducingmyplan,butafteralltheworkIputintoit,Ican’tgobacknow.
“Whyarewestopping?”Declanreachesouttopressthedriver’scallbutton,butIstophim.
“WelcometophaseoneofOperationFakeDating.”
Heturnsinhisseatandstaresatme.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Thisismyplan.Together,we’regoingtosquashanydoubtsaboutourmarriage,startingtonight.”
Hislipscurvedownward.“Withfakedating?Whatdoesthatevenmeanwhenwearemarried?”
“It’ssimplereally.”
“I’mburningwithanticipationhere,”hedeadpans.
Iignorehismood.“IplannedafewpublicoutingstomakesureweareseenbyanyonewhoisanyoneinChicago.”
“Youlostmeatpublicoutings.”Hereachesforthecallbutton,butIlatchontohishandtostophim.
Ireleasehiminstantly,afraidatorrentofbutterfliesmighttakeflightinmystomachifItouchhimforlongerthanasecond.“Iknowyouwanttostayhiddenawayinyoursuburbanmansion,butavoidingthepressisn’tgoingtosolveanyofourproblems.”
“It’sworkedbefore.”
“I’msureithas,butareyouwillingtobetyourtwenty-five-billion-dollarinheritanceonit?”
I’msurprisedhecangetanywordsoutwiththewayhisteethgrindtogether.
“No.”
“I’mgoingtoneedyoutotrustmeonthisone.”
Heremainssilent,soItakeitthatheiswillingtohearmeout.
“IbookedusareservationfortwoatLaLunawithatableoverlookingtheriver.Ittookalotoffinaglingtogetoneatthelastminute,butIknowaguy.”
“DoeshisnamehappentobeBenjaminFranklin?”
Igrin.“Bribesworkwonders.Youtaughtmeyourself.”
Itfeelsgoodtoreturntoourregularlyscheduledprogramming.
Withhimignoringmefordays,Ikindofmissedourbackandforth.
Evenifitisonlyforanight.
“Whydiditrequireabribeinthefirstplace?Youcouldhavetoldthemitwasforme.”
“Youthinkthathighlyofyourself,don’tyou?”
Heshrugs,andIrollmyeyes.
“Foryourinformation,name-droppingwouldn’thaveworkedherebecauseIhadaveryspecialrequestthatrequiredsomemonetarymotivation.”
“I’mhesitanttoask,butIfeellegallyobligatedtoasyourhusband.”
IlaughasIclapmyhandstogether,leaningmoretowardevilgeniusratherthanangelic.“OurtablehappenstoberightnexttotheChicagoChronicle’sleadgossipcolumnist’s.”
Hisspinestraightens.“NowI’mintriguedforaverydifferentreason.”
Iglare.“Ididn’tgothroughallthistroubleforyoutoblowitbydoingsomethingstupid.”
Hereleasesaheavysigh.“Howcanyoubesurethey’reheretonight?”
“I’dtellyou,butthenthatwouldmakeyouanaccessorytothecrime.”
Heshakeshisheadandlooksoutthewindow,butImakeoutafaintsmileinthereflection.“Youexpectmetositnexttosomeonewhocalledyouabrainlessbabymakeranddonothingaboutit?”
“Aw.Youactuallysoundedinsultedforasecond.”
Hemutterssomethingunderhisbreath.
“Listenup.Theplanissimple.Wegotodinner,haveadrink,andpretendwe’reinlove.”
“Becausewe’refakedating,”herepliesbackwitharoboticvoice.
Finally.“Right!Nowyou’regettingit.”
“Datingyouwouldbe…”
Icuthimoff,growingmorenervouswitheachjudgmentalstarehesendsmyway.“Painful.Idon’tneedyoutotellmetwice.”
Hislipspresstogetherashestayssilent,scanningmyfacelikeanMRIofmysoul.“Yes.PainfulisexactlyhowIwoulddescribethissituation.”Hisvoiceisdevoidofallemotion,andachillspreadsacrossmyskin.
Iswallowbacktheuncertaintyandsteelmyspine.“Great.Nowthatwe’reonthesamepageaboutallthat,areyougoodtogo?
They’llgiveawayourtableifwedon’tshowupinthenextfiveminutes.”
“I’monlyagreeingtothisschemebecauseyoubrokeafewlawstomakeithappen.”
“IfIevergetcaught,it’sagoodthingIhaveyoutobailmeoutofjail.”
“WhosaysIwouldn’tbeintherewithyou?”
Mygrinmightmakemycheekshurt,buthissmallsmilecausesmywholechesttoache.
Well,thatshouldn’tbehappening.
Avoidingyourfeelingsdoesn’tmakethemanylessreal.
Oh,shutup.
Planafakedate,theysaid.It’llbeeasy.
Saidnooneever.
Thehostess,whoisnowfivehundreddollarsricherthankstome,guidesustothetablelocatedrightbesidethereporter.That’sallIcanthinkofasDeclan’smaskofindifferenceslidesinplaceandhispalmfindsthesmallofmyback.Thewarmthemanatingoffhimbleedsintomyskin,andI’mtemptedtoshimmyclosertohim
“AnythingelseIcangetforyou,Mr.andMrs.Kane?”
Thered-headedreporterlooksupfromhermenu.AflickerofsurprisepassesoverherfeaturesashereyesscanDeclanfromheadtotoe.
IshakemyheadasDeclanrepliesforus,“No,thankyou.”
Declan’shandbreakscontactwithmybackashepullsoutmychair.Itakeaseat,andhepushesmeclosertothetable.Unlikeothertimes,hedoesn’tstepaway,butratherheleansforward.
Hislipsbrushagainsttheshellofmyearashewhispers,“Youbetterberightaboutthis.”
Ishiver.“Havealittlefaithinme.”
“I’mabithesitantgivenyourtrackrecord.”Hechuckles,sendingthosebutterfliesinmystomachonfire.
“Itakeoffense.”
“Forgiveme.”Histeethgrazethetipofmyear,sendinganothercurrentofenergythroughme.
Isthispartoftheshow?I’mextremelyconfuseduntilIcatchDeclan’seyesconnectingwiththereporter’s.
Ireleaseapent-upbreathasDeclanpullsawayanddropsintohisseatacrossfromme.Theweightofhisstarepressesagainstmychestlikeananvil,makingeachinhaleprogressivelymoredifficult.
Ilookpasthimonlytolockeyesonthereporter.Shetypesawayonherphone,completelyignoringherdate.
Somethingtellsmesheistakingnotes.
Timetoputontheshowofyourlife.“Iwishwewerestillonourhoneymoon.”
Goalongwithit,Isaywithmyeyes.
“Idotoo,”hesaysitwithoutanounceofsarcasm.
Huh.Doesheactuallymeanthatorishelyingtoappeaseouraudience?Thefirstthoughtmakesmepushformore.“Why?”
“Becauseitturnsoutvacationsaren’ttheworstthingintheworld.”
“Toldyou!”
Hislipscurveatthecorners,butheremainsquiet.
“Whatchangedyourmind?”
Heleansin.“NothavingtothinkaboutanythingbutwhichwayIwantedtofuckyounext.”
Mysharpinhaleisn’tstaged.Neitheristhewaymyheartbeatslikeawardrumagainstmychest.Myeyesflickbetweenhisburninggazeandthereporter’sflushedface.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Ileaninandwhisperwithaforcedsmile.
AlthoughmygazeislockedonDeclan’s,Icanfeelthereporter’seyestrackingmyeverymove.
Hereachesoutandtucksabraidbehindmyear.“Sellingastory,”
hewhispers.
“Thensettledown,Romeo.Thisisaromance,notaporno.”
Thewayhiseyesbrightenhasnothingtodowiththecandlelight.
“Fine.”Hegrowsbolderwithhistouchesashisthumbtracesmybottomlip.Itsendsarushofwarmththroughmybody.
“So,Iwasthinking…”Ispeaklouder,gainingtheattentionofmytarget.
“Thatcanneverbeagoodthing.”
IlaughasIshovehisshoulder.“Shutup.Webothknowyouactuallylikemybrain.”
“Ilikeyourheartmore.”
Forsomeonewhosucksatusinganythingbutgruntsandorderstocommunicate,hesureknowshowtomakemyinsidesmeltfromasinglesentence.
Exceptit’sallalie.“That’s…sweet.”
Hislipspresstogetherinathinline.Iwonderifhedoesittostophimselffromlaughingaloud.
“Anyway…Ithoughtwecoulddosomethingfunthisweekend.”
“Definefun.”
“Iwanttohostalittlefamilyget-together.”
Hiseyesspeakofahundredunspokenpromises.Thereisnowayhewillgoalongwiththisplan,butit’sfuntopretendforthereporter’ssake.
“Whatkindofget-together?”heasksthroughgrittedteeth.
“AnF1watchparty!”Thistime,mysmileisgenuine.TheideaseemsliketheperfectwaytohelpRowanandDeclangetovertheirdisagreement.Plus,IwouldlovetospendmoretimewithZahra,evenifit’sonlyforacoupleofhours.
“No.”
Ifrown.“Whynot?Rowanwillbeintownforabudgetmeeting,soit’stheperfecttimeforallofustogettogether.”
Heavoidsmygazeasheassesseshismenu.“That’sourthing.”
Thewayhesaysitmakesmybodybuzz.“Ifyouhadityourway,everythingwouldbeourthingsothatyouneverhadtosharemewithanyoneelse,youterritorialcaveman.”
“I’mgladyoufinallyunderstand.Ittookyoulongenough.”
Throughthecornerofmyeye,Icatchthereportersmilingatus.
“Youcanturnitdownanotch.We’remarriednow.Nooneisgoingtoswoopinandtakemeawayfromyou.Although…”
“Don’t.”
Thereporterscootsherchairafewinchescloser.
“Iwouldleaveyouforonemanandonemanonly.”
Heraisesabrow.Thereporternearlytumblesoutofherchairfromthewaysheleansforwardtohearus.
Ithrowmyhandsupinmocksurrender.“Okay,maybetwomen.
Absolutelythreetops!”
Hesighs.“ThislistofF1driversseemstobegrowingbytheweek.”
“It’sallyourfault.”
“I’mwellawareofmyshort-sightedness.TrustmewhenIsayIregretiteverysingleday.”
Mysmileturnsflirtatious.“You’recutewhenyougetallpossessive.”Idon’tmeanit,yethisnostrilsseemtoflareregardless.
“Notsureyou’llbefeelingthesamewayoncewegethome.”
Ablushspreadsfrommycheeksdownmyneck,unbeknownsttohim.IexpectedDeclantoentertainafakedatebecausehisreputationneedsit,butIdidn’tthinkhewouldelicitallthesereactionsfromme.Mybodydoesn’tseemtounderstandhispromisesarenothingbutfake.Hell,mybrainishavingahardtimemakingsenseofthewayhiseyesseemtodarken,theblacksofhispupilseatingawayatthedarkbrownirises.
IswallowthelumpinmythroatandprayIcanmakeitthroughafewmoreofthese.Deepdown,Iknowitisn’treal,butmybodyseemstohaveahardtimeunderstandinghiswordsarenothingbutemptypromises.
Ishouldhaveknowngoingonafakedatewouldbeabadidea,butIdon’thavemanyoptions.TheonlythingIcancontrolishowmuchtimeIinteractwithhim.Becauseiftonightisanyhintatwhatthefuturemightlooklike,I’mnotsureIhavethepowertoresisthim.Atleastnotwhenhetalksanddoesthingsthatmakemyheartraceandmyskinflush.
Sowhathappensifourfakedatinggameturnsintomore?I’mtooafraidtoanswerthequestion,althoughIthinkIhaveagoodidea.
Sex.Love.Andheartbreak.
25
DECLAN
IthoughtIris’sideaofgoingonafakedatewasridiculousuntilIactuallysatdownandrealizedIhaveherundividedattentionforatleasttwohours.Itremindsmeofourhoneymoonandthedinnerwehadtogether.Exceptthistime,sheissolelyfocusedonputtingonashowwhileI’mmoreinterestedingettingtoknowher.NotthepersonsheisduringworkhoursorthehiddenglimpsesIgetwhensheletsherguarddown,buttherealher.
“Ifyoudidn’thavetowork,whatwouldyoudoonweekends?”
Sherearsback.“LikeifIhadadayoff?”
“YouhaveSundaysoff.”
“I’musuallytoodeadtomovebythen,soIprefervegetatinginmybedroom.I’llonlycomeoutforwaterandfood.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI’mexhausted.WorkingforyousucksupallmyenergysobythetimeIgettotheweekend,I’mrunningonfumes.”
Thisconversationisquicklytakingaturnbacktowork,andforonce,IhavenointerestinspeakingtoIrisaboutbusiness.
“Fine.Whatwouldyoudoifyouweren’ttiredorworking?”
Shelaughs.“Honestly,Ihavenoclue.ThethingsIusedtododon’treallyapplyanymore.”
“Like?”
“Grabbingbrunchwithfriends.Spendingthewholedaymoviehopping.Peoplewatchingatthezoo.Theoptionsareendlessreally.
I’mprettyeasytoentertain,solongasitisn’tanythingthatrequiresmuchthinking.”
“When’sthelasttimeyoudidanyofthat?”
Shelooksupattheceiling.“Huh.CalandIwenttothemoviesacouplemonthsago.”
“Together?”
“No.Wewenttoseparatetheatersandcalledeachotherafterwardtodiscusstheplots.”Shelaughs.“Ofcoursewewenttogether.WhoelsedoIhavetogowith?”
“Aboyfriend?”
“Afterthelastoneendedinarejectedproposal,no.”
Apity.“Whataboutafriend?”
“Calismyfriend.”
“Anotherfriend?Preferablyofthesamegender?”
Herlaughcomesoutsad.“Idon’thaveanymoreofthose.”
“Whynot?”
Shelooksdownatherplate.“Turnsoutpeoplestopinvitingyouplaceswhenallyoudoissayno.”
“Whydidyousayno?”
“Welivedtwoverydifferentlifestyles.Mostofmyfriendshadnine-to-fivejobsandworkedonlyfivedaysaweek.Atfirst,Itriedtokeepupwiththem,buteventuallyIwasburningmyselfout.Ihadtochoosebetweenmyjobandmylife,andweknowhowthatwent.”
Shemotionstowardme.
Thelookonherfacestopsmefromaskinganythingelse.Astrangefeelinginmygutcomestolife,andIcanonlylabelitasonething.
Guilt.It’smyfaultshehasnofriends.Well,noneexceptforCalandme,thatis.
You’retheonewhotoldheryoudon’twanttobeherfriend.
MystomachchurnsasIconsiderhowIrejectedherfriendship.
Withsofewleft,I’msureshetakesthemveryseriously.
That’swhyshehelpedyouinthefirstplace.Shereallydoesconsideryouafriend.
ExceptIdon’twanttobeherfriend.Notwhensheelicitsallthesefeelingsinsideofmethatarenothingclosetoplatonic.
Whosaidyoucan’tbeboth?
Ishouldhaveneverorderedanotherdrinkafterouremptyplateswereremovedfrominfrontofus.Theamberliquidservesasareminderofmymomentofweakness.Iriswasreadytogothemomentthereporterpaidherbillandleft,butIwastheonewhowantedtostay.
ThethoughtalonepainsmemorethanIevercaretoadmit.
Itakeasipofmydrink,onlyallowingthesmallestamountofliquidtoslippastmylips.IrisseemssomewhatperturbedathowImakeanounceofwhiskeylastlongerthanallherpastrelationshipscombined.I’mselfishforkeepingheroutthislateonaweeknight,butIcan’thelpit.Watchingherspeakabouttopicsbesidesworkisfascinating.
Shetalksuntilshe’sbreathless,fillingthesilenceIhavegrownaccustomedtowithherendlesschatter.Thereisn’tasinglesubjectshespeaksaboutthatisn’tfilledwithpassionandintrigue.
Adilapidatedhouseshesawwhiledrivinghomethatseemedperfectforarenovation.Howmuchfunshehasvisitinghermother’sclassroom.HerplantoattendNana’scornholechampionshipcomingupnextweekatchurch.
Ididn’tevenknowtherewassuchathingascornholechampionships,letalonethatNanawasthereigningchamp.
I’mthoroughlyenjoyingmytimewithIris,tothepointthatIdon’twantittoend.
“Areyoualmostdone?”Irisshattersmythoughtswiththestarkreality.
“With?”
Sheglaresatmydrink.“Youroverpricedglassofwhiskey.”
“Icanaffordit.”
“Youhavethesamebottleatthehouseforhalfthecost.”
ButwouldIhavethesamecompany?Probablynot.Thethoughtofdrinkingalonetonightseemsunbearable.I’vespentanentirelifetimebymyself,andwhileitwasneveraproblembefore,itisslowlybecomingintolerable.
“I’menjoyingtheview.”
Sheglancesoutthewindow.“Saysthemanwhohasn’tevenlookedoutsideonce.”
“That’snottheviewI’mtalkingabout.”
Hereyesfindtheirwaybacktomine.I’mstartledwhenshedropsherheadbackasalaughexplodesoutofher.It’sroughandraspy,drawingtheattentionofmultiplepatrons.Warmthrushesthroughmeatthesounddespiteknowingheramusementisatmyexpense.
Bythetimeshelooksbackatme,hereyeshaveawateryshinetothemandshecan’tseemtotakeenoughdeepbreaths.
MyhandtightensaroundtheglassasItakeanotherchug.“Whatthehellwasthat?”
Shedabsatthecornersofhereyes.“Thereporterleft.Youdon’tneedtopretendanymore.”
“I’mnotpretending.”
“That’s…concerning.”
“Idon’tseeitassuch.”
“No.”
“No?”Whatthehellissheeventalkingabout?
“No,”shespeakswithafirmervoicethistime.“That’snothowthisissupposedtogo.”
“Howexactlyisthissupposedtogo?”Iwon’tadmitI’mconfused,butdamnIfeelit.Everythingaboutherconfusesme.FromthepinchedfeelinginmychestwhenevershelaughstothedrawIfeeltowardheratallhoursoftheday.
“Weworktogether.”
“And?”
Herdeepsighechoestheonebuildinginsideofme.“Wehaveadeal.”
“Areyoustatingtheobvioussolelytoannoyme?”
“Ofcoursenot.I’msimplypointingoutthestakes.Thereisfartoomuchridingonourrelationshipforustoscrewitupbecausewe’rehornyandconfused.”
Idon’tmissthewayshesayswe,althoughIthinkshedid.
“I’mnotconfused.Farfromit,actually.IknowexactlywhatIwant.”
“Andwhatisthat?”
“You.”
Thewayshelaughsmakesmewanttostifleitwithmylipsagainsthers.Isettleonlatchingontoherhand,whichsobersherenoughtostoplaughingatmyexpense.
Shetriestoripherpalmoutofmine,butIholdon.
“Thishastobesomekindofsickjoke.”
ThemusclesinmyjawachefromthewayIgrindmyteethtogether.“Howso?”
“Youcan’twantme.Notlikethatatleast.”
“Whynot?”
“Thisisn’tmeanttobeanythingbutacontractualobligation.”
“It’swhatwesayitis.”Itraceoverthediamondonherfinger,drawingasharpbreathfromher.
Hereyeswiden.“OhmyGod.Areyouactuallysuggestingthatwehookup?”
I’vealwaysbeenastraightshooter—toafault.“Yes.”
“Why?”
“BecauseIwantto.”
Herbitterlaughsendsawaveofuneasinessthroughme.“ThenI’msureitwillbeextremelydifficultforyoutoacceptthatmyanswerisno.”
“Whywastetimedenyingwhatwebothalreadyknow?”
“Becausethelastthingweneedistofurthercomplicatethings.”
“Hatetobreakittoyou,butourrelationshipisnothingbutcomplicated.”
“No,Declan.Ourrelationshipisnothingbutafa?ade.”
Herwordslandtheirblow,andI’mstruckspeechlessasIprocessherwords.Shestandsandgrabsherpurse.Thesmallsmilesheshootsmywayfeelsallkindsofwrong.Idon’twanthertoleave.
ThatmuchIknowistrue,yetshedoesn’tseemtoacknowledgethesilentpleainmyeyes.
“Ithinkit’sbestifwepretendtonightneverhappened.Forbothofoursakes.”Shebendsdowntokissmycheek,andshemightaswellhaveburnedtheimpressionofherlipsontomyskin.“I’llmeetyouinthecar.Takeyourtime.”
Atightnessinmychestgrowswitheverystepshetakesawayfromme.Ihatethefeelingsproutinginsideofmelikeaweed,tanglingaroundmyheartlikeavine,almostasmuchasIhateIriswalkingawayfromme.
Tonightmightnothavegonelikeexpected,butIamnotthekindofmantoadmitdefeat.
Iplan.Iact.Iconquer.
Irismighthaverejectedmyfirstoffer,butIwillrisetothechallengeandprovejusthowgoodthingscanbebetweenusifsheweretogivemeachance.
Ourmarriagemightbefake,butthesefeelingsburninginsidemeareanythingbut.It’sonlyamatteroftimebeforeImakehermine.
Shejustdoesn’tknowityet.
Thecarisn’tevenparkedbeforeIrisescapesthegarage.
Harrisonopensmydoorwithhislipspressedtogether.
“Howlonghaveyoubeenmarriedfor?”Iexitthecarandbuttonmyjacket.
HisheadrearsbacklikeIhaveneverspokentohimbefore.Wemightnotbeconfidants,buthehasbeenmydriversincebeforeIeverhadalicense.OfcourseIinteractwithhim.Heevenhasmypersonalnumberstrictlyforcoordinationpurposes.
“Fortyyearsandcounting.”Hesmilestohimselfasiftheideapleaseshim.
“Willingly?”
Asopposedtowhat?Acontractualagreementlikeyours?
Helaughs.“Shemightsaynoifyouaskedher.”
Myheadtilts.“Why?”
Helooksatmeasifhe’squestioningmyIQ.“Becausemarriageishard,andapparentlyI’mnottheeasiestpersontogetalongwith.
Plus,Isnore.”
Alaughgetstrappedinmythroat.“Makessense.”Iturntowardthedoor,butHarrison’swordsstopme.
“MindifIofferyousomeadvice?”
Isighandlookoverathim.“Onlyifyoufeelthatit’sabsolutelycrucial.”
Hiseyeswrinkleatthecornersashislipsturnupintoasmallsmile.“Youmighthavegoneaboutallthestepsinthewrongorder,butthatdoesn’tmeanyoucan’trestartfromthebeginningandtryagain.”
Thebackofmyneckpricklesliketinyneedlesdrivingintomyskin.“Youknow.”
“OfcourseIknow.I’vebeendrivingyouaroundsincebeforeyoucouldreachthepedals.Ifyouowemeanything,it’stonotinsultmyintelligencelikethat.”
“YousignedanNDA.”
Hegiveshisheadashake.“I’mnotinterestedinsellingyourstory.IfIwas,IwouldhavetakenthemoneyyourfatherofferedmeandretiredwithGertyonasandybeachinMexico.”
Mymaskofindifferenceslips.“Hewantedtopayyou?”
“That’snotthepoint.”
“Howmuch?”Ituckmyclenchedfistsintomypocket.
Heshutsthebackdoor.“Alsonotthepoint.”
“Whywouldn’tyouaccepthisdeal?”
“BecauseIwasn’tabouttogiveyouonemorereasontohatetheworld.”
“Youshouldhavetakenthemoneybecausenothingyoucouldeverdowouldchangemyopinionabouthumanity.Icanguaranteeit.”
“Probablynot,butthereisonepersonwhomight.”
Mybodygoesrigidunderneathmysuit.“Notpossible.”
Hereleasesadeepbellylaugh.
“AmImissingsomethingamusingaboutthisconversation?”
Hewipeshiseyeswithahandkerchief.“It’scomfortingknowingthatthesmartestmanI’veevermetisanidiotliketherestofuswhenitcomestowomen.”
Mybrowstugtogether.“Doyouevencareaboutkeepingyourjobanymore?”
“YoucouldtrytofiremebutwebothknowIriswouldhiremebackfirstthingtomorrowmorning.”
Iglareathim,whichonlymakeshimsmile.
“Iwasonlytryingtoofferyousomeadvicebecausesomethingtoldmeyoumightneedit.ButIseethatisn’tthecase,sohaveagoodnight,sir.”Hetipshishatandturnsbacktowardthecar.
“Harrison,”IcalloutbeforeIcanstopmyself.SinceIalreadyembarrassedmyself,Imightaswelltakeadvantageofhisadvice.
Hepauses.“Yes,Mr.Kane?”
ImustbehavingsomekindofmentalcrisisbecausenothingelseexplainswhatIdonext.
“Whatwouldyoudoifyou’reattractedtoawomanwhowantsnothingtodowithyou?”
HelaughsinawaythatmakesmefeellikeI’mmissingthesecondhalfofajoke.“Mrs.Kanecansaywhatshewants,butshe’sinterestedinyou.I’veseenitwithmyowntwoeyes.”
“Withorwithoutcorrectivelenses?”
Hetapshisthick-rimmedspecks.“Thebifocalsdon’tlie.”
“Regardlessofwhatyou’veseen,sheclaimsotherwise.”
“Oh,I’msureshedoes.Butthat’swhereyoucomein.”
“Anddowhatexactly?”
Hisfraillipsbreakoutintoagenuinesmile.“Youchase.”
Harrison’swordslingerattheforefrontofmymindasIwalkuptomybedroom.IhavespentmyentirelifechasingafteranythingIwant,sowhiletheconceptisn’tanythingground-breaking,mydesiretodosowithIrisisnew.
Bullshit.You’vealwaysbeeninterestedinher.
Exceptmythoughtsneverwentpastjustthat.Interest.PursuingIriswasneveranoptionbefore,butthereisnowayIcancontinueonthesametrajectory.Iwilldrivemyselfmadfightingtheurgesthreateningtoconsumemewheneversheenterstheroom.Lately,Iseemtobedrivenbytheburningsensationinmygut.
Iripoffmytieanddumpitonmydresserbeforemakingquickworkofmybutton-down.Ichuckitinacornerofmybathroom,alongwithmypants.
Ihopedashowerwouldcalmmedown,butIwaswrong.
Mymindwanders,makingupanentirelydifferentscenarioofwhatcouldhavehappenedafterourdateifIriswaswillingtotakemeuponmyoffer.Tomecorneringherandkissingheruntilshelosestheabilitytodoanythingbutdragmetowardmyroom.
Itrytoavoidtouchingmyself.Myhandisnothingbutatemporaryfixforalifelongproblem.Onethathasplaguedmeforyears,neverquitescratchingtheitchIcrave.
MycocklengthensasIimagineIrisexploringallofmewithherhands.Ofhowshewouldbegreedywithmybody,rakinghernailsacrossmyflesh.
Igrabmyhardenedcockwithmyrighthand.IpromisemyselfthisisthelasttimeI’llusemyhand,butIknowit’salie.AhissescapesmeasIpumpitoncebeforerubbingthebeadofarousalatthetip.MymindconjuresupaseriesofsoundsIrismightmakewhenmyhandsgripherhips.Amoanwhenmytonguestrokesagainsthers.ThesharphissasIscrapethehollowofherneckwithmyteeth.HerbreathygroanwhenmyfingersembedthemselvesintoherasslikeIcouldbrandherskinwiththemarksofmyfingertips.
Myhandgripsmycocklikeavise,eachangrytugsendingashotofheatdownmyspine.It’seasytofantasizeaboutwhatcouldhappenbetweenusifIpushhertoaccepthernewreality.HowIriswouldbegmetotakeherrightthenandtherelikeamindlessanimal.
IpicturehertouchturningdesperateasImemorizeherbodywithmylips.Ofherreturningthefavor,learningeverydipandcurveofmewiththetipofhertongue.Myarousalleaksfromthetip
asIconsiderhernailsdiggingintomyskinwitheachthrustofmycock.I’dwearhertinyhalf-moonmarkslikeaproudbattlescar,knowingwhatIdidtoearnthem.
Heatspreadsthroughmyveinsthathasnothingtodowiththehotwaterstreamingdownmybody.Islapmyotherpalmagainstthetile,tryingtosupportmyweightasmylegstremble.Theburningsensationbecomesunbearableasmyyanksbecomesloppier.
Thebedroomfantasyshiftstohercatchingmeintheshower,touchingmyselflikethis.Herhandwouldreplacemineasshelooksupatmewithherbigbrowneyes.Thewayshemighthesitateasshegripsme,learninghowtopleasemethewayIlike.
Onlyataste,shewouldwhisperbeforegettingdownonherkneesandtakingmeinhermouth.
Itwouldn’ttakemuchtopushmeovertheedge.Afewslowlicksupmyshaft.Thehollowingofhercheeksasshesucksonmycockuntilshechokes.HermoanasIgripontothebackofherheadandshovemyselfdownherthroat,makingherscratchatmythighsforreprieve.
Theillusionisshatteredasmyreleasehitsme.Spotsdarkenmyvision,andhotcumshootsout.Itsplashesagainstthetilebeforebeingwasheddownthedrain.Ijerkmycock,takingmyangeroutonthesofteningshaft.
MybreathingisraggedbythetimeI’mdone.Ilaymyheadagainstthetileandcursetomyself,knowingdamnwellIwillneverbesatisfieduntilIrisismine.
Notevenclose.
26
IRIS
Ittakesthreedaysforthereportertopublishastoryaboutus.Ihadhopedtheresultswouldbepromising,butsheexceededmywildestexpectations.
“Itoldyou!”IslammyphoneagainstDeclan’sdesk.
HegrabsitandreadsoverthearticleoutlininghowaninsiderlearnedaboutahiddensideofDeclanKane.Turnsout,thecoldestmaninChicagohappenstohaveasoftspotforonepersoninthewholeworld.
Me.
Thewaythereporterdescribesourrelationshipissomethingoutofamovie.Whisperedsecretsbythecandlelight.Stolenglanceswhenoneofuswaslookingtheotherway.Akissunderthestars,withbothofuscompletelyoblivioustotheworldaroundus.
Hefrowns.“Thatneverhappened.”
“It’sagossipcolumn,nottheWallStreetJournal.They’renotheretopresentthefacts.”
“It’sawonderthey’restillupandrunningwiththatmentality.”
“Becausearticleslikeoursalreadyhaveamillionreadsandcounting.Theadvertisementmoneyalonemustkeepthemafloat.”
Hiseyeswiden.“Amillion?Itwaspublishedanhourago.”
IgrinasIdropintothechairacrossfromhim.“Itoldyouitwouldwork.”
“Ineverdoubtedyoutobeginwith.”Hespeakswithsuchsincerity,mychesttwingeswithasilentreply.
Ideflectwithhumor.“Liar.Youtotallydid.”
“It’shumannature.”
“No,it’syournature.”
“It’sgottenmethisfar.”
“No.That’sallthankstoyourlastnamebeingonthebuilding,”Itease.
“Ourname.”
Irollmyeyes.“Fornow.”
“Quicktogetridofmealready,wife?”
Somehow,onewordseemstocausearushofwarmthfrommyheadtomytoes.
Danger.Redalert.DEFCONfiveactivated.
SoIdowhatIalwaysdowhenDeclanstirsupfeelingsinsideofmychestthathavenobusinessbeingthere.
Iescape.
TurnsoutIcanonlyavoidDeclanforsolongwhenweliveinthesamehouse.Itdoesn’ttakehimlongtofindme,strugglingtodrainapotofboilingwaterwithonlyonehand.
“Areyoutryingtoendupintheemergencyroomagain?”
I’mnotgivenachancetoexplainasheswoopsinandgrabsthepotfromme.
Heglares.“Ifyouwantedmyattention,thisisn’tthewaytogetit.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“Iamnottryingtogetyourattention.”
Onthecontrary,Iwastryingtoavoiditatallcosts—third-degreeburnsbedamned.
“Thenwhatareyoudoing?”Hedrainsthepastawithoutmehavingtoask.
“Cooking.”Igrindmyteethtogethertopreventmyselffromsayingmore.
WhyisitwhenI’mtheonewhodoesn’twanttotalk,hecan’tseemtohelphimself?Theinjusticeofthisallisnotlostonme.
Heplacestheemptypotbackonthestove.“Icanassureyouboilingpastaisn’tcooking.”
“Canyougoawayplease?I’mtryingtoeatinpeace.”Dealingwithhimatworkisonething,buthavinghiminmyspace,actingholierthanthou,isnothowIwanttospendmynight
You’rejustmadbecauseyoulikehavinghimaround.
HelingerslikeashadowasIscoopalargehelpingofnoodlesontomyplate.
“Youshouldhaveaskedformyhelp.”
Ibristle.“Idon’tneedyourhelp.”
“Couldhavefooledmewiththewayyouwereholdingontothathandlefordearlife.”
“Don’tyouhavesomewhereelsetobe?Perhapsthereissomerivetingdocumentaryaboutspreadsheetsorexpensereportsyoucangofallasleepto?”
Helaughs,anditfeelslikethecloudspartedandheavengraceduswithamiracle.
Oh,Iris.Thisishowitallstarts.
Irecognizethewarmthseepingthroughmychestashesmilesatme.
Ihateit.Iloveit.AndIcan’tseemtostopmyselffromcravingmoreofit
Hesmiles.“Iactuallycamedowntoeat.”
“Great.I’llleaveyoutoitthen.”Idrenchmynoodleswithpastasaucebeforesteppingawayfromthecounter.I’llcleanthemessuplateronceDeclangoesaway.
“Oryoucouldstay.”
“What?”Iblink.
“Ineversaidyouhadtoleave.”
Shit.IfIleave,itmakesmeseemunequippedtohandlehimforlongspansoftimewithoutadultsupervision.
Probablybecauseit’strue.It’sonethingtospendtimearoundhiminanoffice;it’sawholeotherthingtointeractwithhimintheconfinesofourhome.
Ishakemyhead.“Ohno.Ihadplanstoeatupstairsanyway.”
HiseyesdroptothenapkinandshinycutleryIsetdown.Whenhelooksbackup,hiseyesseemtobrighten.“DoImakeyounervous?”
“No,”Isaytooquickly.
Hisgrinwidens.
Nowonderthemandoesn’tsmileoften.Theworldwouldn’tstandachanceagainsthimifheweretousethemmorefrequently.
Heopensacabinetandgrabsanemptyplatebeforeloadingitwithahealthyamountofnoodles.“Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,wecouldtalkaboutwork.”
Myhorrifiedexpressioncan’tbemasked.“Howisthatsupposedtomakemefeelbetter?”
“Becauseit’snormal.”
“Doesn’tmakeitright!”Ilaugh.
Theskinaroundhiseyestightens.“Iconcede.Notalkingaboutwork.”
“Fine.Butonlybecauseyouseempatheticallyinneedofsomecompany.”Idropintothebarstoolwithdefeat.DuringthelimitedtimeDeclanandIhaveinteractedinthehouse,wehavenevereatentogether.HeseemstoalwaysbusyhimselfinhisofficewhileIcookasadmealforone.Andunlikeourfakedate,thisfeelsintimate.Atleastsignificantlymoreintimatethaneatinginarestaurantfullofpeopleforshow.
HesituateshimselfbesidetheplacematIputoutformyself.
“So…”Igrabmyfork.
Hiseyesreflecthisamusementasheletsmestammerthroughthesilence.
“Idon’tlikethisgameyou’replaying.”
“Andwhatgameisthat?”Heclutchesontohisforkandtwirlsitinhispasta.Hiselbowtouchesmine,andIsuckinabreathatthesensationshootingupmyarm.
“YouknowdamnwellwhatI’mtalkingabout.”
“I’mdrawingablank.”Hespreadshisthighs,andoneofthembrushesupagainstmine.
IshoothimaglareasIliftmyfork.“TouchmylegagainandI’llbeforcedtotakephysicalaction.”
Hisheaddropsback.Declan’slaughisaweaponofmassseduction,andI’mitsbiggesttarget.It’sroughandunpracticed,anditmakesatingleshootdownmyspine.
Imeltintothestool,allowingthesoundtowashovermelikeawarmsummerday.Asenseofpridehitsmeatmakingsomeonelikehimlaughlikethisinthefirstplace,givenjusthowmuchheresistsit.ItfeelslikemyownkindofsuperpowerandasecretIplanonprotecting.
Declansobers,snappingbackintorealityashetakesabiteofhisdinner.
“Howisit?”
“Tasteslikeitcameoutofabox.”
Ilaugh.“I’veneverbeenmuchofacook.BythetimeIgethomeusually,I’mluckyifI’mmotivatedtoboilsomewater.”
“Icouldcooktomorrowifyou’reinterested.”
Mymouthdropsopen.Isthisconversationevenreallyhappening?
“Ididn’trealizeyouknewhowtocook.”
“ImagineifIdidn’t.I’dbeeatingboilednoodlesfortherestofmylifelikesomeoneIknow.”
“Threeyears.”
Hisbrowspulltogether.“What?”
“Forthenextthreeyears.Notyourlife.”
“Right.”Hisvoiceisdevoidofemotion.
Inudgehimwithmyelbow.“ButI’llstilltakeyouupondinnertomorrow.Idon’tthinkIcouldstomachanothernightofpastaanyway.”
“Outofallthethingsyoucouldusemefor,yougowithmycookingskills?”
“Idon’tseewhynot.It’snotlikeyouhavemuchelsegoingforyou.”Mycommentearnsmeadeathglare.
“Yousureknowhowtomakeamanfeelspecial.”Hislipscurve,throwingmebacktothenightwhenourwholeliveschanged.
“SpecialisthelastwordIwouldusetodescribeyou,”Irepeathiswordsfromourengagementpartybackathim.
Hisgazeholdsminehostage.“Whatwordwouldyouusethen?”
“It’simproper.”
“Allthebetter.”
Ishakemyhead.“I’llpass.”
“ThenaskmewhatwordIwouldusetodescribeyou.”
Ireallyshouldn’t,butcuriositywinsout.“Fine.Whatword?”
There’ssomethingaboutthewayhelooksatmewhenhesaysitthatmakesbutterfliestakeflightinmystomach.“Yuánfèn.”
Iblink.“I’msorry.WasthatevenEnglish?”I’malreadyataseveredisadvantagewhenitcomestothelanguageIspeakeveryday,letaloneforeignones.
Heseemsprivytosomejokewithhimself.“No.”
Ipulloutmyphoneandtrytosearchthewordbasedonmyspelling,butImustbebutcheringitbigtime.
“Canyousayitagainforme?Slowly.”
Hesaysitagain—thistimewithaphoneticbreakdownofconsonantsandvowels—whichshouldbeeasyenoughforanyonebutmetospellout.Myfingershoveroverthekeys,andItrymyhardesttospellthewordhesaid,buttheonlythingthatcomesupisyouahnphan
“Wantmyhelp?”Hisvoicedropslow,makingmefeelhelpless.
Iwanttothrowmyphoneatthenearestwall.Tearsfillmyeyes,butIblinkthemaway.ShowingweaknessinfrontofDeclanislikewavingaredflaginfrontofabull.Irefusetodoit.
“Whatever.It’sprobablyacursewordanyway.”IclutchmyphonewithadeathgripasIhopoffthebarstool.
“Toyou,itmightbe.”
Hisjokelandsondeafears.I’mtoofargonetodoanythingbutwalkawaybeforeIadmitsomethingI’mnotreadytoshare.
“Hey.Whereareyougoing?”
“Tobed.”Idon’tbotherlookingbackathim.
“What’swrong?”Thescrapeofhisstoolpushesmeintoaction.Itakelongerstrides.I’mhalfwaytowardthestairswhenhishandlatchesontomyelbow.
“Whathappenedbackthere?”
Ican’tlookhimintheeyesasIrespond,“Nothing.I’mjusttired.”Itugmyarmoutofhisgrasp,andthistime,heletsmemakeasmoothgetaway.
Itakethestairstwoatatime,allwhileDeclan’seyesburnaholethroughmyback.It’snotuntilI’minthecomfortofmyroomthatIletitallout.Igrabapillow,shovemyfaceinit,andletthetearsfall.
Icryforthegirlwhowasbulliedallthroughoutherschooling.
Theonewhobecamearunningjokeinclassandwascalledeveryawfulnameinthebook.Tearsfallfortheversionofmethatwasridiculedbyherfatheruntilhermotherhadtointervene,onlytoseehergetdestroyedbyhisequallyviciouswords.Thesamepersonwhomadeaworkingwomanoutofherselfdespiteallthepeoplewhotoldhershewouldgonowhereinlifebecauseshecouldn’tevenread.
Ispentmostofmylifetryingtoprovepeoplewrong.IttookyearsoftutoringtogettotheplaceIamnow,andIwon’tletonesetbackthrowmeoff.
SowhatifIcouldn’tspellastupidforeignword?Mydisordermightbeapartofmebutitdoesn’tdefineme.Notanymoreatleast.
Myphonebuzzesagainstmycomforter.IunlockittofindanewmessagefromDeclan.Thefactthathesentaone-wordtextdoesn’tshockmegivenhispreferenceforusingfivewordsorlessinallourconversations.It’sthecontentthatsurprisesme,andnotbecauseittakesmethreetriestofinallymakeouttheword.
Declan:Yuánfèn.
Iconsiderignoringit,butcuriositywinsasIpullupmysearchbarandtypethewordintheboxwithshakyfingers.Theresultsaremind-blowing.
Yuánfèn:Apredestinedinfinity.
TurnsoutDeclanlikestocasuallyswitchtoaforeignlanguagewheneverhewantstoavoidsayinghowhereallyfeels.Because
thereisnowayhewouldtellmetomyfacethathethinksI’mhisdestiny
Ithinkcarefullyaboutmynextmessage.IttakesmesometimetofindtheperfectresponseforhowIfeel,andmysearchhistoryisfilledwithvariationsofwordsthathavenoEnglishtranslations.IcopyandpastethewordIfoundthatdescribesexactlyhowIfeelandpressthesendbutton.
Me:Kilig1
Ithrowmyphoneacrossmybedanddon’ttouchituntilthenextmorning.It’snotuntilIgetdressedandputmymakeuponthatIhaveenoughcouragetoopenDeclan’smessage.
Declan:Merak2
Icopyandpasteitstraightintothesearchbar,onlytodropmyphoneagainstthebathroomcounterandshatterthescreen.
AperfectsymbolofhowDeclaniswreckingmyplans,onebyone.
DeclanandIbarelyspeakthroughoutthenextday.Ikeeptomyareaandhekeepstohis,withneitherofusrehashingwhateverthehellhappenedlastnight.I’mthankfulthathedoesn’t.Togetherwearedancingonafineline,andneitheroneofuswantstotaketheplunge.
It’scompletemamihlapinatapai3betweenus,withstolenglancesacrosstheconferencetablewithnointentionofseekingmore.Atleastnotforme.AlthoughDeclansureistrying.HislateststrategytoropemeinwithforeignwordsthathavenodirectEnglishtranslationseemstobeworking.NowIspendmybreakslookingup
newwordsandaddingthemtoarunninglistIhave,justincaseDeclantriestooutdomewithone.
IneverthoughtIcouldhavethismuchfunwithwords,butDeclanseemstobekeepingmeonmytoes.Hehasalreadysentmetwowordstoday,neitheroneromanticlikeyesterday,buteachmakemelaughbasedonourcontext.
Thefirstmessagenearlyoutedmefortextinginthemiddleofhisfather’sbiweeklyboardmeetingpresentation.I’mnotsurewhatDeclanwasthinkingbysendingmeatextofthewordbackpfeifengesicht4.IchokedonmywaterasIsearchedthewordandfoundoutitmeanssomethingalongthelinesofafacethatbadlyneedsafist.I’mconvincedthereisnootherwordmorefittingforDeclan’sfather,althoughIcan’tpronounceanythingbeyondthefirstsyllable.
ItturnsoutDeclandoeshaveafunnyside.Hejusthappenstobesonerdy,IneedGoogletohelpmefigurehisjokesout.Tobehonest,it’skindoffun.ThewordsaresodifficulttopronouncethatIdon’tevenfeeltheneedtostressoverthem.It’sthemeaningbehindthemthatmatters.
IfIcontinuedownthispath,IforeseemyselfslippingfurtherintounchartedterritorywithDeclan.So,whileIcanhavefun,Ineedtokeepmyguardup,becauseafewfunnymessagesdon’ttranslateintoanythingmorethanwhatitis:twopeoplewhocanneverbemorethanfriends,nomatterwhat.
“Whydoyoukeepsmilingatyourphone?”Calpauseshistypingtolookoveratme.
Shit.“Noreason.”Ituckmyphoneawayinadrawer.
Youweresmiling?Pullittogetherandstoprereadingtextmessageslikealovesickteenager.
“Right.ExactlyhowstupiddoyouthinkIam?”
“Areyousureyouwantmetoanswerthat?”
Hiswitheringglareremindsmeofanangrygoldenretriever.“Ifinditinterestingthatmybrotherhasbeenequallyinvestedinhisphonetoday.Duringaboardmeetingnoless.”
Deny.Deny.Deny.“Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“Really?Becauseanytimeheputhisphoneaway,youpickedyoursup.”
“Purelycircumstantialevidenceatbest.”
“ExceptIwassittingrightnexttoyou.Isawhisnameflashacrossyourscreentwicewithinfiveminutes.”
Iwagmyfingerathim.“It’srudetoreadotherpeople’smessages.”
“Icouldn’tcarelessaboutwhatevernonsenseyoutwoweirdostexteachother.Icaremoreaboutyourfeelings.”
Hiscommentdrawsachucklefromme.“Yourworriesaremisplaced.”
“WhatkindofbestfriendwouldIbeifIdidn’twarnyouawayfrommybrother?”
“Fairpoint.Exceptyou’reforgettingit’smyjobtoknoweverythingaboutyourbrother.There’sverylittleyoucouldwarnmeaboutthatIwouldn’talreadybeawareof.”
“That’sexactlymyworry.Youknoweverythingandstillvolunteeredtomarryhim.”
“BecauseIcare.”
“Buthaveyoueveraskedyourselfwhyyoucare?”
“Because…”Icouldfillintheblankwithsomanyresponses,eachequallyquestionablefromCal’sperspective.
Declangavemeachancetolearnfrommymistakeswhenotherbossesfiredmewithinaweekfor“careless”typosandaninabilitytoworkfastenough.Hepushedmetotryharderandthinkofthebigpicture,whichhelpedmebuildenoughconfidenceinmyself.
Unbeknownsttohim,hehelpedmegrowintoawomanwhobelievedinherself,andforthat,Iowehimsomuch
Calsighs.“It’sokaytolikehim.I’mnottellingyouthatyoushouldn’t,butIwantyoutobepreparedfortheworst-casescenario.”
“Andwhat’sthatexactly?Thathebreaksmyheart?”
“Worse.Hemakesyoufallinlovewithhim.”
1?Noun,Tagalog:Afeelingofexhilarationorelationcausedbyanexcitingorromanticexperience.
2?Verb,Greek:Todosomethingwithpleasure.
3?Noun,Yaghan:Alooksharedbetweentwopeople,eachwishingthattheotherwouldinitiatesomethingthattheybothdesirebutwhichneitherwantstobegin.
4?Noun,German:Afacebadlyinneedofafist.
27
IRIS
ThingsbetweenDeclanandmeseemtobeescalating.IthasbeenaweeksinceIhadthebraceremoved,andDeclanhasyettopullback.Witheachdaythatpasses,heseemstogrowmoreinsistentaboutspendingtimetogether.Whetherit’seatingdinnerwithoneanotherorhimworkingonhistabletwhileIwatchanepisodeofTV
infrontofthefireplacebeforebed,Ican’tseemtoshakehim.
Ineverthoughthewouldwanttowillinglyspendthismuchtimewithme.Whileitmightnotbothermostpeopletogrowclosetotheirfakehusbands,itfeelslikeI’mlosingfocus.LikeI’mforgettingthereasonsIthoughtwewouldnevermakeagoodcoupleinthefirstplace.
IfIwerebeingreallyhonestwithmyself,mythoughtshaveslowlystarteddriftingawayfromfriendshipandrighttowardabigredflagknownasinfatuation.I’mnottalkingaboutthephysicalkindeither.Morelikethesoul-deepattractionthattemptsthebrokenpartofmetoopenupfullytohim,regardlessoftheconsequences.
ItisterrifyingtothinkImightwillinglylethimcomecloser.
Notlikeyouhaveachoicewiththisevening’splan.
EvenifIwantedtoavoidhim,tonight’sfakedatewouldmakeitnearlyimpossibletodoso.
Iknockmyfistagainsthisdoor.
“Comein.”
Noonemanshouldhavethepowertomakemyheartbeatharderwithinmychestfromafewwords.Itakeadeepbreathbeforewalkingintohisdomain.Afterdaysoflimitedcontact,Ifeelstarvedforhisattention.
Starvedforhisattention?MaybeyoudohaveworkplaceStockholmsyndromeafterall.
Ourgazescollide,andneitheroneofusbreaksaway.Hiseyesdragfrommyfacedownmybodybeforelingeringonmylimegreenstilettos.Thestrapswrapupmylegs,makingmefeeleverybitlikeaRomangladiatordespitethedaintylittlebowattheend.Hisstarestirssomethingdeepwithinme,makingheatpoolinmybelly.
“Whatdoyouneed?”Hisroughvoicesnapsmeoutofmydaze.
Iliftmychin,preparingforafight.“Wehaveanotherfakedateplannedfortonight.”
“Afakedate.”Thewayhislipscurlatthestatementfillsmewithtrepidation.
“Youknow.Becauseweneedtolooklikeahappycouple?”
“Right.Godforbidweactuallyfeellikeone,right?”
Oh.My.God.Youneedtogetoutofhere.
Iletoutanawkwardlaugh.“Anyway…yourtuxisdry-cleanedandreadyfortonight.Bereadyat7p.m.sharp.”
Iturntowardthedoorbuthaltwhenhecallsoutafterme.
“Notsofast.”
MythroatclosesupasIrotateonmyheelsandlookbackathim.
“Yes?”
“Wherearewegoing?”
Iregainmycomposure.“ThecharitygalaatTheWaltonHotel.”
“Acharitygala?”Hisnosescruncheswithdisgustforthebriefestsecond,anditmakesmesmile.
“I’llmakeitworthyourwhile.”
“Howso?”Heleansbackinhischair,hiscoldmaskslippedbackintoplace.Excepthiseyescan’thidewhatburnsbeneaththesurface.
PoormanthinksI’mtryingtoseducehim.Thethoughtmakesmelaughtomyself,whichonlymakeshisgazedarkenasitdropstomylips.
“Yourgrandfather’slawyerwillbeattending.”
“Thatisn’ttheanswerIwassearchingfor.”
Myeyesroll.“Ofcoursenot.”
“Ifyouwantedtomakeitworthmytime,youshouldhavegonewithsomethingabitmore…tempting.”Hestrokeshisstubbledchin,andmyheartpicksupitspace.
“I’mconfused.Istheresupposedtobesomethingmoreenticingthanearningyourinheritance?”IchoosetoplaycoybecausethealternativeseemsriskybasedonthelookonDeclan’sface.
“YouandIbothknowwhatIwant.”
“Idon’twanttohookupwithyou,”Iblurtout.
OhGod.Whydidyousaythat?!
“Whosaidanythingabouthookingup?”Hestandsandbuttonshissuit.
Deepdown,Iknowifhegetsnearme,Iwon’tbeabletocontrolmyself.Hispenetratinggazeincapacitatesme,andI’munabletotakeasinglesteptowardthedoorasheroundsthecornerofhisdesk.Istandlikeaninnocentlambawaitingslaughterasheeatsupthedistancebetweenus
“Iwanttostrikeanewdeal.”Hereachesoutandcupsthebackofmyneck.
Goosebumpsspreadacrossmyskin.“I’mnotopentonegotiating.”
Heshrugsashesays,“Strikhedonia1.”
Herobsmeofmyreplyashislipsslamagainstmine.Myeyesremainopen,shockmakingmeunabletoprocesseverythinghappeningallatonce.Declanmustsensemyinabilitytoconnectbecausehisteethdragacrossmybottomlipinasilentcommandtopayattention.Oneofhishandswrapsaroundthebackofmyneck,trappingmeagainsthimashekissesme.Mybodyshuddersfromasimplescrapeofhisteeth.
Ishutmyeyesandrelishinthesensationofhislipsagainstmine.
Hisfingersgrippingontomynecktighteneversoslightlyasmylipspartwithasigh.Hisaccesstomymouthisn’ttakenforgranted.He
exploreslikeamanonamission,usinghistongueasabrandontomyverysoul.
Everythingabouthiskississelfish.Thewayhisfingersembedthemselvesintomyskin.Thefeelofhistongueagainstmine,stroking,testing,owning.Thewayhedestroysanysemblanceofnormalcywithasinglethrustofhisstiffcockagainstmystomach.
IthinkI’mdying.
IthinkI’msoaring
I’mhitwithwaveafterwaveofemotions,witheachpoundingagainstmewithoutanysortofreprieve.Idon’tunderstandwhat’shappening.
Maybeyoudon’twantto.
Igrowfrustratedwithmymixedemotions.Myskintinglesandburnsallatonce,drivenbysomeprimalneedtogaincontrol.Ithrustmyhandsintohishairandtugattheroots.Hesoaksituplikeamanstarved,andmylipsstiflehismoan.
Helikesyoutouchinghim.Hishandsrundownmycurvesbeforegrippingontomyhips.Hebreaksourkiss,andInearlygroanwithprotestbeforehislipsfollowapathtowardmythroat.Histonguetracesmyflutteringpulsepointbeforesuckingontheskin.Ibuckunderhim,onlytopushmyselffurtherintohisfirmlength.
OhGod.IrealizethatImusthavesaidthewordsaloudbecausehelaughsagainstmyskin.Thesoundthatgotmeintothismessmakessomethingsnapinsideofme,andIallbutshovehimaway
Bothofusarebreathinghard,staringintooneanother’seyes.
Thewayhelooksatme…itmakesmefeelalive.Powerful.
Desired
Ican’thandletheweightofhisgaze,soIscantherestofhim.Badidea.Theoutlineofhisarousedcockpressingagainsthispantsmakesmymouthwater.I’mhitwithasenseofwantthatissostrong,ithasmybreathcatchinginthebackofmythroat.
Halfofmewantstorunwhiletheotherhalfwantstodroptomykneesandgetabetterlook.It’sthesanehalfthatwins.
Go.Go.Go.
“Ineedtoanswerthephone,”Irasp.
“Idon’thearoneringing.”
Thetemptationtokissthatstupidsmirkoffhisfaceridesmehardenoughtowakemeup.Ipowerwalkmywaytowardhisdoorwithoutsparinghimanotherglance.
“Iris—”
“Bereadybyseven.”Islamthedoorbehindme,butnotquickenoughtomisshimsayingfuckunderhisbreath.
MusicblastsfrommyminispeakerasIsingmywaythroughmymakeuproutine.WhileDeclanhatesgalas,IlovethembecauseIdon’tmindgettinglostintheglitzandglamforanight.Inthepast,wheneverheinvitedmeashisguestsowomenwouldn’tapproachhim,Iwouldspendthewholeweekfindingtheperfectoutfit.
Tonightisnodifferent.Itakeextratimeapplyingmymakeupandpaintingmynails.Isomehowshimmyintomyfloor-lengthgown,beingmindfulofnotcatchingmybraidsontheopenzipper.
Despitemyefforts,Ican’tseemtoreachthezipper.I’mshovedbackintothememoryofmyweddingnight.Exceptunlikebefore,Idon’tmindaskingDeclanforalittlehelp,solongasheisfullyclothed.
Aknockonmydoorsavesmefromhavingtotravelfarforhisassistance.
Igrabtheknobandtugthedooropen.“Hey.”
Declanleansagainstthedoorframe,hishairperfectlystyledandhistuxmoldedtohismusclesasifitwassewnstraightontohisbody.Theonlythingunkemptabouthimisthewayhisbowtielaysundoneagainsthisshirt.
YouhadtogoandmarryoneofthemosthandsomemeninallofChicago.
ScrewChicago.Morelikethemosthandsomemaninalloftheworld
Iwanttodrowninhiswhiskey-coloredeyesandnevercomeupforair.Thereissomethingaboutthewayhelooksatmethatseemstostripmebare,riddingmyselfofanysensiblethoughts.Somemenlooklikeadream.Othersanightmare.Declanhappenstobealethal
combinationofthetwo—beautifulinawaythatshouldterrifyme.
Emphasisontheshouldbecauseifanything,Iyearnformore.
Especiallyafterourkissearlier.
“Youlook…”Hepauses.
“Ifyousaynice,IswearI’llmakeyourdeathlooklikeanaccident.”
“Devastating.”
Mythroattightenswithemotion.“ArewebacktousingEnglishwordstodescribeourfeelings?”
Hiseyesglitter.“Onlyfortonight.”
Ibreakeyecontactfirst,unabletowithstandhisstare.
“Areyouready?”heasks.
“Almost.Ijustneedyourhelpwithsomethingfirst.”Iturnandpullmybraidsovermyshoulders,revealingmyexposedback.“Ican’treach.”
MycheeksheatasIthinkbacktoourweddingnight.Somehow,Icontinuetolandmyselfinthispositionwithouteventrying.
Hedoesn’tmovetohelpme,soIglanceovermyshouldertoseeifheisstillthere.Hiseyesaretransfixedonmyback.Theytracethelengthofmyspinelikeinvisiblefingersbeforestoppingatthedimples.
“Declan?”
Hiseyessnapbacktomine.“Igotit.”Hestepsforwardandreachesouthishand.Insteadofgrabbingontothezipperatthebottom,hisknucklesgrazethebaseofmyneck.Ashiverracksmybodyashedragshisfistdownmyback.Thewayhedrawsoutthesimpletaskmakesmeregreteveraskinghimforhelpinthefirstplace.
Whydidn’tyouchooseadressthatdoesn’thaveazipper?
Isuckinabreathasthetipsofhisfingershoveroveroneofmydimples.MyneckheatsasDeclanreleasesaheavysigh,andthesilkymaterialofhistuxbrushingagainstmybarearmssendsanothercurrentofenergythroughme.
Whatisgoingon?
Thedragofthezipperfillsthesilence,andalltoosoon,hiswarmthpressingagainstmybackdisappears.
Hereadjustsmyhairforme,andmyheartgallopsinresponse.
“Weshouldgetgoing.”
“Holdon.Youforgotthis.”
HisbrowspulltogetherasIstepforwardandgrabtheendsofhisbowtie.Ipullononesidebeforepassingthelongerendintotheneckloop.Hereleasesashudderybreathasmyfingersbrushhisskin,andIlookuptocatchhisgazefixedonme.Thewayhelooksatmefeels…
Devastating
IhurrythroughtherestofthestepsbeforeIdosomethingcrazylikepullhislipsdowntomine.“There.”Ireadjustthesidessotheknotiscentered.
Imovetostepaway,buthegrabsmyhandsandholdsthemhostageagainsthischest.“Thankyou.”
Myslowblinkgivesmeamomenttoprocess.“It’sjustabowtie.”
“Imeanforeverything.Thefakedates…”
“Thebrokenlaws.”
“Andnoses.”
Ilaugh.“Thatwasallyou.”
Hislipscurveintoaseductivesmilethatmakesmykneestremble
Hereachesoutandtracesmycheekwithhisthumb,andmystomachdoesabetrayinglittleflipthatterrifiesme.
Nomatterhowtonightgoes,onethingisclear:Declanisn’tgoingtobackdown.Ifanything,ourkissmadehimbolder.I’mnotsurehowIamgoingtosurvivetonightwithoutdoingsomethingstupid.
Godhelpme.
DeclanandImakeittothegalawithoutkissing,fighting,ortalking.
Itisn’tuntilhestepsoutofthecarandholdsouthisarmformetotakethathefinallyspeaks.
“Howlongdowehavetostayhere?”
Iclutchontohishandandexitthecar.“Wehaven’tevengoneinsideyet.”
Hehuffs.“YouknowhowIfeelaboutthesethings.”
“Imightknowhow,butnotwhy.”
Hiseyesseemtoroamovermebeforelandingbackonmyface.
“Ihavemyreasons.”
“Dotheyhaveanythingtodowithyoupainfullypretendingyoulikeotherpeoplefortwohoursstraight?”
“Ifonlyitwerethatsimple.”
“Whatwouldyoudoifyoudidn’thavemearoundtosaveyoufromhoursofsmalltalk?”
“Deathbyabutterknifewouldbemostappropriategiventhesetting.”
IleanintohissideasIlaugh.Hewrapshisarmaroundmywaist,andIlookathimwithwideeyesandasmilethathasyettofall.Hislipspartasifheisabouttosaysomething,butourmomentiscutshortbyaflashofacamerabulb.SomeoneshoutsDeclan’sname.Itsobersmeenoughtotakeinoursurroundingsandthedifferentpeoplemullingabouttheredcarpet,interviewingeachpersonwhowalksby.
Igivehimareassuringpatonhischest.“Let’sgetthisoverwith.
Thesoonerwegoinside,thesoonerwegettoleave.”
“Youdon’tneedtotellmetwice.”
Ilaughagain,andhishandonmywaisttightens.
Doeshelikemylaugh?TheideaseemscomicalgivenDeclan’spreferenceforsilence.
MytheoryisprovencorrectlateronwhenIbreakoutintoanotherfitoflaughterandDeclan’shandsqueezesmyhipinresponse.ArushofhappinesshitsmeasIcometogripswithmyrevelation.
Interesting.Veryinteresting.
1?Noun,Greek:Apleasureofbeingabletosay“tohellwithit.”
28
IRIS
Itdoesn’ttakeuslongtospotBradyKane’slawyer.Hewouldbehardtomissgivenhisboisterousvoiceandequallyloudembroideredtux.
Declanmakesamovetowalkovertohiscorneroftheballroom,butItughimback.
“Weshouldplayitcoolandwaitforhimtocometous.”
TheiceinDeclan’swhiskeyglassrattlesashetakesalongsip.
“Youwantustowaitanddowhat,exactly?”
Iawkwardlylaughbeforetakingadeepchugofmywine.
“Talk?”
Hegrimaces.
“Sohowwasworktoday?”
Heshootsmeaglare.“Youwerethere.”
“Idon’tfollowyouaround24/7.ThereareplentyofthingsImightmiss,likeyoustrugglingwithaprinterorharassinganinnocentemployeebecausetheyforgottouseArialfontinanemail.
Imean,comeon,whatdidTimesNewRomaneverdotoyou?”
Hisscowldeepens.“It’snotmyfaulttheycan’tfollowsimpledirections.”
“Ithinkyou’dbesurprisedathowmotivatedpeoplearetodoagoodjobwhenyoureinintheattitude.”
Helooksawaywithahuff.
Igrin.“Youknow,asthefutureCEO,youwillhavetolearnacouplethingsaboutleadershipifyouwanttobesuccessful.”
“Iknowhowtolead.”
“Doyou,though?Becausethereisabigdifferencebetweengivingordersandleadingacompany.”
Hedragshiseyesbacktomine.“Ifmyalcoholicfathercandoit,I’msureIcan’tscrewuptoobadly.”
ItakeasipofmydrinkasIconsidermynextstatement.“Butdon’tyouwanttobebetterthanhim?”
Hisjawclenches.“Ofcourse.”
“ThenwhatdoyouwanttodowhenyoubecomeCEO?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“What’syournextgoaloncethathappens?Wheredoyoufeelyourfatherhasbeenlacking?”
“Itwouldtakemeyearstorepairallthebusinessrelationshipsmyfatherhasdamaged.”
“Becauseyousuckatkissingass?”
Hiswitheringglaremakesmelaugh.Thetightnessaroundhiseyessoftens,allwhilehislipspresstogetherasifhewantstostophimselffrommatchingthesmileinhiseyes.
Hewantstosmilebecauseofyou!
MybrainmightoverloadfromallthesensationshappeninginsideofmeatthethoughtofDeclansmilingbecauseofmylaugh.
“Lookwhoitis!”AwrinkledhandclampsdownonDeclan’sshoulder.“Iheardyouwereheretonight.”BradyKane’slawyergrins.
Declandoesn’tbothertryingtosmile,andthebrightnessfrombeforeisreplacedbycoolindifference.“Leonid.”
Thelawyershudders,makinghisheadofgrayhairshake.
“PleasecallmeLeo.YouknowhowIfeelaboutformalities.”
Leoturnshiseyestowardme.“AndisthisthewifeI’veheardsomewhisperingsabout?”
OneofDeclan’sarmssnakesaroundmebeforetuggingmeflushagainsthim.“Iris,thisisLeo.Hewasmygrandfather’sbestfriend.”
Bestfriend?Whydidn’tDeclanmentionthattinydetailduringourthousandsofexchangesabouttheman?
Probablybecausehedoesn’thavebestfriends,sohedoesn’tthinkitmatters.
Irefrainfromsighing.
Leoholdsouthishandformetoshake.Itakeit,andhepullsmeoutofDeclan’sarmsandrightintohischest.“Wewillbehavingnoneofthat.We’repracticallyfamily.”
Arewe,really?DidImissthepartwherethismannevershoweduptoourwedding?
Leomustreadmymindorattheveryleasttheexpressiononmyface.“I’msorryIcouldn’tmakeittoyourwedding.IwasoffthegridforamonthwhilehikingMountEverest,andbythetimeIcameback,Iheardyoutwohadalreadytiedtheknot.”
Ifheseemswaryofourmarriage,hedoesn’tshowit.
“YouclimbedMountEverest?”
“Imightlookold,butIsuredon’tfeelit.”Hetapshisheartwithagrin
“SaysthemanwhocalledanemergencyhelicoptertorescuehimafterhethoughthecouldcompeteintheTourdeFrance,”Declanreplies.
“Itwasyourgrandfather’sidea.Bastardalwayswantedtoshowoffhowfithewas.I’vealwayshatedcycling.”
SomethingflashesinDeclan’seyes,anditmakesmychestache.Ireachforhishandtogiveitasqueeze.Themoveisinstinctual,yetIstillblinkatourinterlockedfingerswithsurprise.
Leocatchesthewholethingwithasmile.“Butenoughaboutme.
Iwanttohearallaboutyoutwo.”
“Thereisn’tmuchtotell.”Ismile.
HewrapsanarmaroundDeclan’sshoulderandguidesustoatable.“Nonsense.Butfirst,weneedatoasttocelebrateyourmarriage.Isvodkagoodwitheveryone?”
Declan’sgroancatchesinthebackofhisthroat,andIcan’thelpthegigglethatescapesme.
Leocan’tstopsmilingashiseyesbouncebetweenthetwoofus.
“Doyouprefersomethingelse?”
“No.Vodkasoundsgreat,”Declanspeaksthroughgrittedteeth.
Mybodyshakesfromquietlaughter,andLeoshootsmealookbeforeheleavesustogofindabottleofvodka.
“Ifuckinghatevodka.”Declandragshischairclosertomine.Hewrapshisarmagainstthebackofmychairlikewedothisallthetime.Hisarmbrushesagainstthebackofmyneck,sendingarushofgoosebumpsacrossmyarms.
“Areyoucold?”Hefrownsatme.
Ionlynod,afraidmyvoicewouldbetrayhowIreallyfeelabouthisproximity
Hestandsandshimmiesoffhisjacket.“Here.”
Hegesturesformetoscootforward.Icomply,jawgapingasheslidesthematerialovermyshoulders.Itsmellslikehim—cleanwithahintofspice.Withoutlookingtooobvious,Itakeasecondsniff,allowingthescentofhimtofilterthroughmylungs.
MycheeksheatasIcatchhiseyeszeroedinonme.Theinnervoiceinmyheadchantstokeephimaway.Thatnothinggoodcouldcomefrommeentertainingthebuddingattractionformingbetweenus.
Theinnervoicewins,allbutshovinghiskindgestureoutthewindow.“Whoknewyouwouldbegoodatallthis?”
“Goodatwhat?”Hislipstugdownward
“YourwholethoughtfulhusbandroutinecouldfoolmeifI’mnotcareful.”Igestureatthetuxjacketthreateningtoswallowmewhole.
Hiseyesdarken.“Noteverythingisafuckingact.”
Iflinchatthebiteinhisvoice.
Isn’tthiswhatyouwanted?
Sure,Ido.Himbeingniceisn’tpartoftheprotocol.
Thereisnoprotocol.That’syourissue.
Neitherofustriestofillthetensesilence,andIcanonlyprayLeoreturnstoussoonwithenoughvodkatomakehisRussianancestorsproud.Anythingtosavemefromthisachyfeelinggrowinginmychest.
MyprayersareansweredasLeoslamsthebottleofclearliquoronthetableclothafewminuteslater.
“Herewego.”Hecrookstwofingersatawaiterwhoplacesthreeemptyglassesbesidethebottle.
“It’safamilytraditiontotoasttothenewlyweds.”
InodandgrabthefullglassLeoholdsoutforme.
LeoslapsDeclan’sshoulderasheplacesaglassinhishand.“Ifyourgrandfatherwerehere,hewouldhaveprobablyhadthiswholespeechwritten,soI’lljusthavetoimprovise.”Heliftshisowntumbler.“Marriageislikegoingonaroadtripwiththepersonyouwanttospendtherestofyourlifewith,exceptyouhavenomaporfancyGPSsystemtohelpyouout.Youmightnotalwaysagreeonwhatmusictoplayorwhichdirectionyoushouldgo.Icanguaranteetherewillbemomentsyouwanttoripyourhairout—oreachother’s.Justliketherewillbetimesthattestyou,whereyouthinkthatmaybethingswouldbeeasierifyouhitcharidewithsomeoneelse.Thepointis,lifeisgoingtothrowalotofthingsatyou.Stufflikeflattires,deadends,andmechanicalissues.Butyoucaneithermakethemostofthejourneywithoneanotherorcryaboutnevergettingtoyourdestination.Noonecanmaketherightdecisionbutyou.”
Hecallsthatimprovising?I’veneverheardanyonedescribemarriageinsucharawwaylikethatbefore.Declan’sgazeclashesintomine,andIwonderifhefeelsthesame.Becausenomatterwhatourintentionswerewhenwesignedthepaperworklinkingusashusbandandwife,weagreedtoaroadtriptogether.
Leotapshisglassagainstours.“Tothenewlyweds.”Declanandhebothbringtheirtumblerstotheirlips,butIcan’tdoanythingbutblinkatmine.
Idon’tknowifIwilleverbereadyforamarriagelikeLeodescribes.Sure,ImightbemarriedtoDeclantoupholdalegalcontract,butthatisn’tthesameaswhatLeoshared.HisversionrequiresawholelotoftrustandalotlessbaggagethanIcouldeverfitinanSUV
Idon’tneedtoaskDeclanhowhefeels.Hisintentionsarewrittenclearasdayacrosshisface—asnapshotintohisheartthatIknowherevealsonlyforme.
I’mnotreadytocommittoaroadtrip.Atleastnottheoneheclearlywants.IfIdid,Iwouldhavesaidyestomyexwhenheproposed.
Declanisn’thim.Notevenclose.
Myheartpoundswithinmychest,likeatrappedbirdtryingtofightitswayoutofitscage.Onethoughtbattersme,overandover,asIsipmydrinkinsilence.
ImighthavemadethebiggestmistakeofmylifebymarryingDeclan
Fuckme.
29
DECLAN
IrisstandsthemomentLeoexcuseshimself.
“Whereareyougoing?”
Shecan’tevenlookmeintheeyesasshereplies,“Bathroom.”
Iriseandgrabherhand,forcinghertoglanceupatme.“Iseverythingokay?”IhateaskingthequestionalmostasmuchasIhatethehauntedlookinhereyes.Desperationclawsitswayupmythroat,beckoningmetokeepheratmyside.
“Sure.”Sheoffersatensesmile.“DoyoumindcallingHarrisontocomepickusupwhileyouwait?”
Inod.
“Great.I’llbebackinasecond.”Herbodyremainsrigid,spinestraightasanarrowasshecrossestheballroomandturnsaroundacorner.
Iconsiderwhatmighthavespookedher,andIcanonlyassumeithassomethingtodowithwhatLeosaid.Sheseemedfinebeforehewentofftalkingaboutmarriage…
Diditmakethingstoorealforher?It’splausible,givenheraversiontolove.Shehasmadeherfeelingsonthemattercrystalclear,andI’vegonealongwithitbecauseit’swhatshewanted.It’snotlikeitisanyeasierforme.Afterwatchingmyfatherdestroyhisfamilyaftermymotherdied,Ididn’twanttoputmyselfinasimilar
position.EveryoneIlovealwaysleavesanyway.Whybotherlettinganyonecloseifthereisnoguaranteetheywilleverstay?
Butareyougoingtospendtherestofyourlifealonebecauseyou’retooafraidtogetclosetosomeone?It’sstillthesamelonelinessnomatterhowyoupaintit.
Thebackofmyneckheats,andIturntofindIris’seyesfocusedonme.Afewmenstopandstareather,andittakeseverythinginmetoignorethemasIwalkacrosstheroom.
“IsHarrisondownstairswait—”
Herquestioniscutoffbymepullingherintomyarms.
“What’sgottenintoyou?”
“Leostoppedbyandaskedifwewerestickingaroundfortheauction.Itoldhimyes.”
You’reabastardforlyingtoher.
I’llfeelbadaboutittomorrow.Tonight,I’lltakeadvantage.
Shegroans.“Whywouldyoudothat?”
“BecauseIdon’twanttogivehimanyreasontothinkweonlycamehereforhim.”
Shesighsasshewrapsherarmsaroundme.“Isthereaspecificreasonyou’rehuggingme?”
“IthoughtIsawsomeoneIknow.”
Willyoueverstoplyingwhereversheisconcerned?
OnlyifIevergrowaconscience.Giventhenumberofliespilinguparoundme,Idoubtitwouldbeduringthislifetime.
“Didtheygoawayordoyouplanonholdingmeallnight?”
Well,ifIhaveanoption…
Youdon’t.
IsighasIreluctantlyreleaseheronlytograbherhand.“Let’sdance.”
“Isthisthevodkatalking?”
Ishootheralook.“Itwasoneglass.”
Shelaughs.“That’sallittakes.Youdon’tevenliketodance.”
Idon’treleaseherhandasIleaninandwhisperinherear,“KeepmakingashowinfrontofeveryoneandI’llmakeyouregretitlater.”
Ashudderrunsthroughher,andItracethegoosebumpsonherarmwithasinglefinger.“That’spromising.”
HermouthopensandclosesrepeatedlyasIleadhertowardthedancefloor.Iwrapanarmaroundherwaist,andsherespondsbylockingherarmsbehindmyneck.Ourfacesareonlyafewinchesapartaswerockincirclestothesoftmusicplayingthroughthespeakers.
“Ifyouwantedtodancewithme,allyouhadtodowasask.Noneedtouseemptythreatstocoerceme.”
“Yourmistakewasthinkingtheyareempty.”Iallowmyselftosmile.
Shesucksinabreath,hereyesnotleavingmylips.Myfingersgrazethesoftcurveofherass.Agroangetstrappedinmythroatasshejoltsforwardtoavoidmyfingers,alltorunrightintomynowhardeningcock.
Herwideeyesblinkupatme.“Pleasetellmethat’saphoneinyourfrontpocket.”
Ithrowmyheadbackandlaughmyselfhoarse.BythetimeIcomebackforair,Ifindhereyestransfixedonme.Hersandafewothersaroundus,allactingliketheyhaveneverheardagrownmanlaughbefore.
“It’sashameyoudon’tlaughlikethatmoreoften.”
Iliftmyhandandcupherchin.“MaybeIfinallyhaveareasonto.”
Herfacesoftens,andherbodymeltsintomine.“Stoplookingatmelikethat.”
“Likewhat?”
Sheescapesmyquestionandmygraspallatonce.Ilethergetawaywithit,onlybecauseshepresseshercheekagainstthefrontofmytux,bringingherbodyclosertomine.
Whentheslowsongbleedsintoafast-pacedone,Irissqueals.Imovetoescapethedancefloor,butshetugsonmyhandanddragsmeback.
“Ilovethissong!”
“WhyamInotsurprised?”Ipretendtorubmyearsinpain.
Shelaughsasshebeginsjumpingupanddownlikeamadwoman.I’mnearlyknockedunconsciouswhenshethrowsup
herarmsandswaysherhipstothebeat.Icatchafewmenstaringatherrollingherbodytothemusic,andmyglarescaresthemoff.
“Let’sgosit,”Isnap.
“Please.Onemoresong.”Shegrabsmyhandsanddragsthemtowardherhips.“Watchme.”
Ican’tdoanythingbutwatchher.I’mentrancedassheshimmiesherbodytothebeat,keepingherlowerhalfonlyaninchapartfrommine.Thewayshedancesisn’tmeanttobeerotic,butIfindmyselfgrowingaroused.
Shesmilesupatme.“You’renotdancing.”
I’mnotsureI’mevenbreathing
Shelaughsasshewrapsherarmsaroundmyneckandtugsmecloser.“Moveyourhipstothemusic.”
Itryandfailwhichmakesherbreakoutintoanotherfitoflaughter.Ifthat’stherewardIgetforlookinglikeanidiot,sobeit.
Sheturnsaroundandplacesmypalmsbackonherhips.“Copyme.”
Herraspofavoicecanbarelybeheardoverthethudofmyheart.Isnapoutofmytranceandswivelmybodylikehers,matchinghermovement.Heatcoursesthroughmybodyaswebothmovetothemusic.Herassgrindsagainstmycock,andIgroanintoherear.
“Nowyougotit.”Shelaughsasshestepsoutofmyembrace.
Myhandsmournthelossofhertouchasshegoesbacktodancing.Hereyesshut,andshegetslostinthemusic.Idon’tbothertryingtodance.I’mfartooimmersedinthewayshemovestocareaboutanythingelse.Everyonearoundusmovestothebeatofthesonguntilthelastnoteplays,andthecrowddisperses,
“Thatwassomuchfun!”Shetakesasteptowardthetables,butIpullherback.
“Notsofast.”
Herlipsgape.“Youwanttokeepdancing?”
Iclutchontooneofherhandswhilemyotherfindsthesmallofherback.“Yes.”
“Ithoughtyoualwayshateddancingatthesethings.”
“Thatwasbefore.”
“Beforewhat?”
“BeforeIcoulddothis.”Ipullheragainstmeandplaceasoftkissagainstherlipsbeforeretreating.
Keepherwantingmore.
Hersharpinhalemakesmegrinintoherhair.Myskinbuzzesasshegripsontomeandwefindourrhythm,twobodiesswayingtothemusic.Thesongchangesandpeoplepassusby,butneitherofusdarestoendthemoment.
TheonlytimewestepawayfromthedanceflooristogetmoredrinksandpartakeintheauctionIhavenointerestparticipatingin.
AllittakesisIrissquealingattheprospectofatriptoMexicoformetobecomeanactivebidder,withmeraisingmypaddletooutspendeveryoneintheballroom.
Iriswrapsherarmsaroundmyneckandkissesmycheekwhentheauctioneerannouncesourpaddlenumber.Idon’thaveachancetoprocessherlipsagainstmyskinbeforeshepullsawayandsettlesbackinherchair.
Fuckit.Ibecomeinvigoratedbythesmilesshesendsmyway.
SomepeopletrytooutbidmeforwhatevercatchesIris’sattention,butIoutmatchthemeverytime.Bythetimetheauctioneerstepsawayfromthepodium,I’vespentoverfifty-milliondollarssolelyfortherushIgetwheneverIrissmiles.
Itdoesn’ttakemuchconvincingonherendtodragmebackontothedanceflooroncetheauctionends,althoughImakeapitstopatthebartogetmethroughit.Wekeepdancinguntilthefinalsongplaysandwearethelastcoupleintheroom.Iregrettablylethergo,onlyforhertolimpacouplefeet.Shedoesn’tprotestasIwrapanarmaroundherandtakethebruntofherweight.
“Ithinkmyfeetneedtobeamputated.”Sheflinchesasshelosesherfooting.
Idon’tthinkasIhaulherovermyshoulder,bringingherasstomyeyelevel.“Problemsolved.”
“Declan!”sheshoutsintomyback.“Whatareyoudoing?!”Sheramshersmallfistsintomyspine,andIgrunt.
“Beingagentleman.”
“Morelikeacaveman!Putmedownrightnow!Thisissoembarrassing.”
“Nooneisheretoseeyou.”Thelackofbagsmakesmyjoboffindingherclutchthatmucheasier.IpassittohersoshecanholdontoitwhileIwalk.
Herheadliftsassheassessestheemptyballroom.“Wheredidtheyallgo?”
“Home.”
“Thenwhyarewestillevenhere?”
“Ilosttrackoftime.”
Shegaspsasshechecksherphone.“It’smidnight!”
“You’llmakeithomebeforeyouturnintoapumpkin,princess.”
“That’snotevenhowthestorygoes.”HerlaughismuffledbythematerialofmytuxasIcarryheroutthedoor.
“Closeenough.”
“You’readisgracetoyourlastname.”
Ismackherassforthatcomment.
“Didyoujustspankme?!”
Myhandburnstodoitagainifonlytohearthatlittlegaspshemakeswhenmypalmcollideswithherflesh.Shereturnsthefavorandsmacksmyasshard.Ialmostdropherfromtheshockofitall,butIrecoverwithalaugh.
“Ugh!Youweren’tsupposedtolikethat!”
IcollectmyselfbeforewalkingthroughthelobbywithIrishauledovermyshoulder.Thebellhopgivesusalookasheopensthedoor,andItipmychininhisdirection.
Arandompasserbytakesaphotoastheycatcall,andIrisflipsthemoff.
“Ihateyousomuchrightnow.”Shehuffs.
Harrison’seyeswidenasheopensthedoorofthecarforme.
“Sir.IsMrs.Kaneallright?”
Iriswaves.“Allgood.AlthoughIcan’tsaythesameaboutmyhusbandoncewegethome.”
Sherarelycallsmeherhusband,butwhenshedoes,itsendsarushofwarmththroughmybody.
HarrisonlaughsasIrispinchesmyass.
“Doyoumind?I’mstartingtofeeldizzy.”
Iunceremoniouslydumpherinthebackseatbeforecirclingthecaranddroppingintomine.Harrisontakesoffdowntheroad.Irisstaresoutthewindow,watchingtheChicagoskylinepassusbyaswedriveouttothesuburbs.
Ispendtheentirecarrideplayingoutdifferentscenariosofexactlywhatmighthappenwhenwegethome.BythetimeHarrisonparksthecar,Iambuzzingwithanticipation.
MythoughtsaredashedasIturntolookoveratIris.Herbodyleansagainstthedoor,andhereyesremainshutasshebreathesdeeplyinandout.
Shefellasleep.
Afterallthattalkonherendaboutgettingpayback,shecouldn’tevenstayuptoseekretribution.
“ShouldIwakeher,sir?”Harrisonpeeksthroughmysideofthecar.
“Igother.”Istepoutandwalkaroundthetrunk.I’mcarefultoopenherdoorslowlysoIcancatchherbeforeshefallsout.
Shedoesn’tstirasItugherintomyarms,cradlingherthesamewayIdidonourweddingnight.Somehow,sheremainsfastasleepasIwalkusthroughthehouseandupthestairs.Istruggletoopenherdoorwithoutdroppingher,butIamabletoconfiguremyselfinawaysoIcanturntheknob.
Herdoorhitsthewallwithasoftthud.Imakemywaytowardherbedandplaceheronthemattress.Shetucksherhandunderhercheekandcurlsintoherself,uncaringaboutherdressormakeup.
Ihatetheideaofwakingherup,butIdoubtshewantstogotobeddressedlikethat.Itcan’tbecomfortable.
“Iris.”Igivehershoulderasubtleshake.
Herhandfliesstraighttomyface.IreleaseawhooshofairasIduck,somehowmissingherpalmbeforeitconnectedwithmycheek.
“Iris.Wakeup.”
Shegroans.“Shh,Declan.Stoptalkinganddothatthingwithyourtongueagain.”
Mypulsethundersinmyveins,matchingthequickeningofmyheartrate.Isshe…dreamingofme?Iblink,tryingtowrapmyheadaroundIrishavingadirtydreamaboutme
SheletsoutasoftwhimperthatIfeelstraighttomycock.Iconsidertheconsequencesofwakingherupandshowingherwhattherealdealfeelslike,butIthinkbetterofit.
Startsmallandbestrategic.
Makingamoveonhertonightwouldbeanythingbutsmart.NomatterhowmuchIwantto,Ineedtogoaboutthisinawaythatwon’tspookher.Herpreviousfailedrelationshipsareproofofwhathappenswhenpeoplecomeofftoostrong,toofast.
Ididn’tspendthislongchasingafterherformetosquanderitbecauseIcouldn’tcontrolmydick.Mypatiencewillberewardedsoon.Itisonlyamatteroftimebeforeshecomescrawlingtome,andIplanonmakingherworkforit.
Startingtomorrow.
30
IRIS
Themorningafterthegala,Iwakeupinadesignergown,smudgedmakeup,andaseriouscaseofhowdidIgetheresyndrome.Iwigglemysorefeet,notingafewblistersthatweren’tthereyesterday.
IsighasIgrabmyphonefrommynightstand.“Shit!”
InearlyfalloutofbedwhenIseethetime.CursesflyoutofmymouthattheunreadtextmessageDeclansenthoursago.Iunlockmyphonewithashakyfinger,onlytoreleaseabreathofreliefatthetext.
Declan:Noworktoday.
Noworktoday?!Ireadhismessagetwicetomakesuremybrainisn’tactingupagainandrearrangingalltheletters.
Iclutchmyphonetomychestanddoalittletwirl.TheideaofhavingaSaturdayalltomyselfmakesmewanttobreakoutintoawholesonganddancelikeaDreamlandprincess.IswearIcouldtouchthestarswithhowhighIfeelrightnow.
WhileIshower,Icombthroughthememoriesoflastnight.Leoandhistoast.DeclanandIdancinguntilmidnight.Himcarryingmearoundlikeasackofpotatoesbecausemyfeethurt.
Thelastonemakesmesmiletomyselflikeacompleteloon.
Oh,Iris.Whathaveyougottenyourselfinto?
ItrytocomeupwithanswersasImakemywaydownstairsforbreakfast,yetIcan’tseemtofindone.I’mnotsurewhatisgoingon.
ThemarriageIsignedupforisnothingcomparedtothereality.
Declanwasn’tsupposedtobenice.Hesureashellwasn’tsupposedtodoallthesedifferentthingsthatstirupalonginginmychestI’veneverfeltbefore.Evenduringmymostseriousrelationship,Ididn’tfeelanythingclosetothegiddinessthatovertakesmewhenDeclandoessomethingcompletelyoutofcharacter.
Itrytoblockoutthethoughtsbyblastingmusicthroughmyearbuds.Itseemstoworktemporarily,andIdancemywayintothekitchenwhilesingingalongatthetopofmylungs.
WhatIfindhasmehaltingmysteps.Oneofmyearbudspopsout,theblaringmusicbarelyaudibleoverthesoundofDeclanchoppingvegetables.
ExcitementisfastreplacedbyskittishnessasDeclanglancesupatmewitheyesfullofheat.WhatdidIdotoearnthatkindoflook?
“You’rehere,”Ireplyafterwhatfeelslikeawholeminuteofusstaringateachother.
“Iam.”Heturnsbacktothecuttingboardandresumeschoppingvegetables.
“You’retakingthedayofftoo?”
Chop.Chop.Chop.“Notexactly.”
“Oh.”Aheavysighescapesme.
“Iplannedafakedateforus.”
Iblink.“I’msorry.Didyoujustsayyouplannedafakedate?”
Hislipstwitch.“Idid.”
“Wow.That’s…unexpected.”
“Weneedtobeoutthedoorinthenexthour.”
Icockmyairgunandpretendtotakeaim.“Who’sthetarget?”
Hislipspresstogether.“I’lltellyouafter.”
“Whynotbefore?”
“Iwantyoutoactnatural.”
Allright…“Andyoutellingmewhowe’retryingtoimpresscouldcompromisethat?”
“Yes.”
“Wow.Theymustbeprettyimportantiftheyinspiredyoutoplansomething.”
Hishandgraspingtheknifetightens.“I’mcapableofplanningadate.”
“Sure,you’recapable,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouactuallywantto.”
“WhosaysIdon’t?”Hisquestionisfartooloadedformetohandlewithoutcoffee.
So,insteadofpushingDeclanformoreinfo,Ihelphimwithbreakfast.Withthewayhekeepstouchingmewhilemovingaroundthekitchen,onewouldthinkweliveinanapartmentthesizeofashoeboxinsteadofamansion.Itrytoignorethewayathousandsparksshootoffmyskinwheneverhisbodybrushesagainstmine.
EverytimeIsharplyinhale,hislipsseemtocurveattheedges.Iswearhedoesitallonpurpose.
Icanbarelyconcentrateoncooking,whichresultsinahalf-burntomelet.Sure,itmightnotlooklikethemostappetizingmeal,butitshouldgetthejobdone.Caloriesarecalories,amIright?
“Doyoumind?”Isnapwhenhischestbrushesagainstmyback.
“Yourtechniquecouldusesomework.”Heassessesmybreakfastwithascowl.
“Fine,Mr.FoodNetwork.Whydon’tyoushowmehowit’sdone?”
“Didithurttoswallowyourpride?”
“Ehh.I’veswallowedworse.”
Hisnostrilsflare.
Iris:1.Declan:0.
IsmileasItakeastepbackwardandholdoutthespatula,expectinghimtotakeit.Thebreathisknockedoutofmylungsashecrowdsmeagainstthestove,clutchingontomyhandholdingthespatula.
“Ipreferamorehands-onlearningapproach.”Hishipspressagainstmyass.
“SaysthesamemanwhousedtotellmetofigureitoutorfindanewjobwheneverIneededhelp.”
Herepliesbynippingattheskinofmyneck.
Mynextsentencecomesoutragged.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Helpingmywife.”
Mythroatbobs.“You’regrowingabittoocomfortablewiththatnicknameformyliking.”
“Iuseittoremindyouofyourplace.”
“Andwhat’sthat?”
“Mine.”
Mycheeksburn,alongwiththeareabelowmywaist.Heignoresmysuddenshynessashepoursthemixturewithhisfreehand,trappingmeinplacebetweenbothofhisarms.
“Yourfirstmistakewaspouringtoomuchinthepanatonce.”
Hishotbreathhitsmyneck,elicitinggoosebumpsacrossmybody.
Theeggssizzle,matchingthewaymyinsidesfeelashischestbrushesagainstmyback.Ineverthoughtcookingcouldbeconsideredaneroticexperience—atleastnotuntilDeclan.Themanmakescookingeggsseemlikeakindofforeplay.
Iswallowpastthelumpinmythroat.“What’snext?”
Hecarriesmyhandgrippingontothespatulatowardthehotstove.“Youlettheeggscook.”
It’sasimpletask,yetheholdsmyhandhostageaswegentlypushtheeggsoverandoveruntilthetopsurfaceoftheeggshasthickened.Eachminutefeelslikeaneternitywiththewayheholdsontome.Heseemstobedrawntowardthecurveofmyneck,andhekissesmetwicebeforedictatingthenextsetofdirections.
“Nowyoufillonesidewithyourtoppings.”
“Notboth?”
Hisdeepchucklerattlesmybones.“Greedyasalways.”
“Morelikefamished.”
“Thatmakestwoofus,”hereplieshuskilyashepresseshishipsintomyass.
That’sdefinitelynotaphoneinhispocketthistime.Icantellthatmuch.
“Ithinkwe’retalkingabouttwodifferenthungershere.”
Somehowthewordsmakeitpastmytightthroat.
Histhicklengthpressesagainsttheseamofmyass,tellingmeexactlyhowhefeelsaboutcooking.Hepullsawayalltooquickly,takinghiswarmthwithhimasheaddssomespacebetweenus.Idon’tunderstandhisreaction.
Whydoyoucare?Itwouldonlycomplicatethingsevenmore.
IcaremorethanIwouldeveradmit.
Becauseyouwanthimtoo.
Itisatoughfacttoadmit.Idowanthim.Iwanthimreallyfreakingbadly,yetIdon’tknowhowtogoaboutpursuingsomethinglikethat.Andmorespecifically,I’mnotsureexactlywhatitisthatIwanttopursue.Casualsexseemsalmostascomplicatedasproposingthatwetrysomethingmore.Eitheroptionwouldblowourwholeplantohell,andI’mnotsureIwanttodothateither.Myoptionsseemashopelessasmyabilitytoholdoffonourattraction.
IfDeclanisawareofmyinnerpanic,hedoesn’trevealit.
“Bereadyinthirty,”Declangivesmeonelastlookbeforehegrabsmyshittyfirstattemptatanomeletandwalksoutofthekitchen.
Igripthecounterandtakeafewdeepbreaths.
Howthehellareyougoingtosurviveafakedatetodaywhenyoufeellikethis?
Declangrabsapairofkeyshangingonthewall.
“You’redriving?”
Hespinsthekeysonhisindexfinger.“IgaveHarrisonthedayoff.”
“I’mnotsurewhatwedidtodeservethiskindoftreatmentbutI’mhereforit.”
Declandoesn’tcommentashewalksuptoashinyvintageconvertiblethatlookslikesomethingoutofaspymovie.
Mymouthdropsopen.“Thisisourride?”
“Yup.Getinbeforewe’relate.”
I’mstupefiedashecirclesaroundthehoodandopensthepassengerdoorforme.
“Wow.Thisissocool!”Iwalkovertomysideanddropintotheseat,completelyspeechlessasItracetheleather.Declanshutsmydoorbeforewalkingbackaroundtothedriver’sside.Heputsthekeysintheignition,andtheenginerevstolifeasheputsitinfirstgear.
Isigh.“ThethingsIwoulddotogetachancetodrivethiscar.”
Helaughs.It’srough,deep,andstealsallmycapacitytobreathe.
“Youcangetmetodomanythings,butdrivingthiscarisn’toneofthem.”
“Letmeguess.It’saman’scar.”Irollmyeyes.
Hisprevioussmileiswipedcleanoffhisface.“Morelikeawoman’s.Mymother’stobespecific.”
Ifeellikesomeonestuckmeinthechestwithaknifeandtwistedit.“Yourmother’s?”
HisAdam’sapplethrobs.“IthoughtI’dtakeitoutsinceIhaven’trunitinamonth.”
Hetakesitouteverymonth?Mychestachesforthemanwhokeepsthememoryofhismotheralivethroughhercar.IcantellDeclancaresbasedonhowmuchthecaristakencareof,fromthepolishedleatherinteriortotheperfectlywaxedexterior.
Ican’tthinkofanythingtosay,mytonguethickwithemotion.
TheimageDeclanportraystoeveryoneisnothingcomparedtotheonehehidesfromtheworld.Whileheisn’tanythingclosetoperfectbyanystretchoftheword,heisstillhuman.Hehurtsjustliketherestofus.
Wetakeoffdownthedrivewaybeforehestopstoopenthegate.
Herambles,andIsmilebecauseIhaveneverseenhimstumbleonhiswords.
“Sheprobablylovedthiscarmorethanshelovedmyfather—
whichifyouknewthembeforeshegotsick—wasalot.Notsurewhatshesawinhim,butIsupposehewasdifferentwithallofusbeforeshedied.”
Idon’tmissthewayhetalksabouthisparentsbeforeshegotsick.Asifherillnesschangedthedynamicsofeveryone’slives,includingSeth’s.Mylipsturndown,andIhatemyselffortheounceofsympathythatbubblestothesurfaceofmyheartforthemanwhoisasvileandruthlessastheycome.Somehowloveseemstohumanizetheworstsouls.
“Willyoutellmemoreabouther?”It’saloadedquestion.OnethatI’mnotsureisfairtoaskinthefirstplace,butIcan’thelpmyself.Iwanttoknowmoreaboutthemanwhotakeshismother’scaroutonceamonthasifshemightreturnatanyminuteandaskforitback.Iwanttoknowaboutitall.
Hesighs,andIjustknowdeepdowninmyheartthatheisabouttoturnmedown.ForsomereasonIcan’tbearthethought,soIdosomethingstupid.SomethingsoincrediblystupidI’msureIwillregretittomorrow.ButI’mtooenrapturedbyhisstorytocareaboutwhatmighthappen.
“Whatifwemakeadeal?”
Thecornersofhislipslift.“I’mopentonegotiations.”
“What’ssomethingyouwant?”Idropthebombbackonhislap.
I’lllethimbetheonetodecidewhathewantsmostandthenseeifI’mupforthechallenge.
“Iwantanequalexchange…”Hepauses,andmybreathstallsinmychest.
Anotherkiss?Arealdate?Ablowjob?Theoptionsareendlessreally.Awarmthtravelsfrommyheadtomytoesatthethoughtofwhathemightchoose
“Whatdoyouhaveinmind?”
“I’lltellyouaboutmymotherifyoutellmeaboutyourlearningdifferences.”
Ifmylifehadasoundtrack,thisisthemomenttheDJscratchestherecord,makingmefeellikeatotaldud.Theairescapesmylungslikeadeflatedballoon.Whatthehellkindofdealisthat?Andmorespecifically,howthehelldidhefindout?
Icrossmyarmsandthrowupabarrier.“Whotoldyou?”
“Noone.”
“Bullshit.WasitCal?”I’mabouttotellDeclantopulloverandletmetakeover,solelysoIcouldgofindCalandriphimanewasshole.
Heshakeshishead.“Ifoundoutonmyown.”
“How?”
“Iknewthesigns.”
Abitterlaughescapesme.“Youexpectmetobelievethat?
ExactlyhowgullibledoyouthinkIam?”
Hisfacesoftens.“Mymomwasthesameway.”
“Yourmom?Thesameonewhowasahistorymajor?”
Heclutchesontothesteeringwithwhite-knuckledfists.“Justbecauseshestruggledwithreadingdoesn’tmeanshehatedit.”
Ifeellikeadickforassumingotherwise.Tobefair,I’mstrugglingtokeepupwithallthisinformation.ThereisnowayIcanprocessDeclanknowingaboutmydyslexiaandhismotherstrugglingwiththesamedisorderallinoneconversation.
“Ishouldhaveknownyouwouldfigureitout.”
“Therewasnoreasonforyoutohideitinthefirstplace.”
Iclenchmyfistsagainstmylap.“Youdon’tgettojudgemychoices.”
“Ionlywanttounderstandthem.”Thesoftnessofhisvoicetearsmeupinside.
Istaysilent.
“Please.”
Ireleaseashakybreath.Declandoesn’tsaypleaseever,soitmakesmeweakenoughtoopenupaboutmypast.
Istareoutthewindow.“Ispentmywholelifefeelingdifferentthaneveryoneelse.First,itstartedwithteasingandbeingmadefunof.LittlethingsliketeacherscallingmelazyorclassmatesgossipingabouthowIwasstupid.Iwasheldbackayear,whichledtomoreembarrassmentbecauseallmyfriendsmovedontothenextgradewithoutme.Eventuallykidsgotbolder.Theirwordsbecameharsherandtheiractionsmeaner.Itdidn’ttakelongforsomeonelikemetostartbelievingthosewords,especiallywhenyourownfathercalledyouadisappointingidioteveryday.”Myvoicecracks.
Declanreachesoutandforcesmyfistopensohecanlockourfingerstogether.
“Itwasaself-fulfillingprophecy.Withmyparents’divorceandallthestresswiththat,Istoppedcaringaboutclassdespitemymomtryingherhardesttogetmeintotutoring.Nothingwasworking,andIthinkshewaslosinghopetoo.MyshameandanxietykeptgrowinguntilIwouldcryeverydaybeforeschool.Ishutdownwitheveryone,somymomtookachanceandfoundmeatherapistsoIcouldopenuptosomeoneaboutwhatwashappening.”
Hishandgivesmeareassuringsqueeze.
“Withmytherapist’shelp,IstartedbuildingmyselfbackupandfoundprojectsIwasgoodatthathadnothingtodowithschool.
That’swheremyplantobsessionstarted.TurnsoutIhadacallingforbringingmymom’sdeadplantsbacktolife.”
“Ithoughttherapywassupposedtofixourproblems,notcreatemoreofthem.”
ThetensioninmychesteasesasIlaugh.“Ithelped.Oneplantturnedintotwo,andeventuallyIstartedbuildingawholecollection.
Mytherapistcalleditacopingstrategy.”
“Isupposeitcanbeconsideredabettersolutionthandrugs.”
Oureyesconnect,hisfilledwithalightnessIwishwouldremainforlongspansoftime.“OnceIgottheemotionalstuffdown,Iwasmuchmoreopentotutoring.Ittookawhile,butIfinallystartedsucceedinginschool.”
“Andthenwhat?”
“AndthenIgraduatedhighschoolwithalotofhelp.Iwasn’treadytocommittoauniversityyetafterallthedifficultiesIwentthroughinschool,sothat’showIendedupatthetempagencyyoupartneredwith.”
“Andthenyoudrewtheshortstickandhadtocomeworkforme.”
Mynosescrunches.“Youwentthroughassistantslikeonewouldgothroughunderwear.”
“It’snotmyfaulttheydidn’tmeetmyexpectations.”
Ishakemyhead.“Wheneveryoufiredsomeone,theremainderofuswereforcedtodropournamesintoahat.Iwasluckyupuntil
thatpoint,butthen—”
“Youwerechosen,”hefinishesforme
Inod.“IshoweduptoyourofficeonMondayknowingIwouldn’tmakeittotheendoftheweek.Butthen…”
“What?”Hiseyesdarken.
“Icouldjusttellinyoureyesthatyouexpectedmetofail.”
“And?”
“Ispentmywholelifehavingpeoplelookatmethatway.
SomethingsnappedinmewhenyoutoldmetonotbotherunpackingmystuffsinceIwouldbegonebytheendoftheweek.Itlitafireundermyass.IwasreadytodowhateverittooktoprovetomyselfonceandforallthatIcouldachieveanythingIwanted,startingwithmyjob.”
“Weren’tyouafraid?”
“OfcourseIwas.Yourreputationwasasterribleasyourtrackrecordwithassistants,butIknewnothingyoucouldhavesaidtomewouldhavetoppedanyoftheshitIgrewuphearingasalittlekid.”
Thesteeringwheelcreaksunderthepressureofhispalms.“IfIhadknownsooner,IwouldhaveheldbackonsomeofthethingsItoldyou—”
Mylaughcutshimoff.“Please.Webothknowyouwouldhavefiredmeifyourealizedmystruggles.”
Hisjawtightens.“That’snottrue.”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseifmymomwerealive,shewouldhavebeenashamedofmefordoingsomethinglikethat.”
Mychestfeelsasifhecutitopenwithhiswordsalone.“Isthatwhyyoukeptmeallthistime?Despitetheerrorsandtyposandslowerturnaroundtimes?”Myvoicesoundssosmallandunsure—aperfectmatchtohowIfeelwithDeclanstirringupalltheseemotions.
Hedrawsaslowbreath.“Ikeptyoubecauseyou’refantasticatyourjob.YoualwaysrosetowhateverchallengeIthrewyourway,whetheritwasapartofyourjobdescriptionornot.Therewasn’tasingletimeIfeltlikeyourdifferencesgotintheway.Ifanything,Ithinkitmadeyoutentimesbetteratyourjobbecauseyouthought
differentlythanme.JustlookattheYakuradeal.Hewouldhaveneveracceptedtheproposalwithoutyouradditionstomymodel.”
Aswellofemotionlodgesitselfinmythroat.“Oh.”
“Imightbecold,rude,anddistant,butI’mnotblind.Mywholejobisaboutevaluatingassetsanditturnsoutthatyou’remybiggestone.”
Ineverthoughtsomeonetalkingfinancetomewouldbesoheart-wrenchinglybeautiful.
Hegivesmyhandanothersqueezeasiftoremindmeofourconnection.“Thereisn’tanythingIwouldn’tdotokeepyoubymyside.”
“Youdon’tneedtotrytoohard.Iamyourwifeafterall.”
“Evenifyouweren’t,Iwon’tgiveyouup.”Thelittlesmileonhisfacedoessomethingcrazytomyheartrate.
Ineverthoughtsomeonelikehimcouldbecapableofsuchsweetwords.“Whoknewyouweresuchaniceguyunderneathyourgrumpyexterior?”
“Don’tgotellinganyoneelseorthey’llbedisappointedtofindoutit’sonlyforyou.”
Lookslikethereporterwasright.Declandoeshaveasoftspotformeafterall.
“Why?”
“Forelsket1.”HisraspywhispermakesmefeellikehesharesasecretIcan’tdecode.
“Spellitforme.”Ipulloutmyphone.
Heshakeshisheadasifitcanerasethetinysmileonhisface
“Somewordsaren’tmeanttobetranslated.”
“That’ssuchalie!Allyourwordshavetranslations.”
“Correction.Somewordsaren’tmeanttobetranslatedbyyou.”
Icrossmyarms.“Wheredidyoulearnallthesewordsanyway?
There’snowayyouknowalltheselanguages.”
Heturnshisheadbacktowardtheroad.“ItwasagamemymomandIplayedtogetherwhenIwasalittlekid.”
Mythroatgetsscratchyatthethought.“How?”
“Iwasalwaysbadatexpressingmyfeelings,waybeforemymomevergotsick.”
“You?No.Irefusetobelievethat,”Isaywithabsoluteseriousness.
Hisglaremakesmelaugh.
“Shetaughtmehowsomepeopleneedahundredwordstoexpressasinglethought,whilesomepeopleonlyneedonewordtoshareahundredthoughts.”
“Ineverthoughtofitthatway.”
Hiseyesbecomedistant.“Itbecameoursecretcode.IfIwasfeelingacertainway,shewouldaskmeformyword.”
Mybottomlipquivers.“Whatmadeyoustartusingthemagain?”
Heturnsandlooksatme.“Notwhatbutwho.Webothstrugglewithwordsinourownways.Mewithexpressingthem,andyouwithreadingthem.”Hisexplanationmakeseachwordhesharesfeelevenmoremeaningful.
Theburningsensationinmychestintensifies,betrayingjusthowmuchmyheartwantstothrowcautiontothewind.ItscaresmemorethanIcaretoadmit,soIsticktoasaferquestion.“Whatmadeyouchoosenon-translatableones?”
“TheystartedoutinEnglishbuteventuallyoncemybrothersstartedpickinguponitandstartedcopyingme,Iswitchedgears.
Therewasnowaytheycouldsaykyoikumama,letalonespellit.”
“Alwaysagainstsharing,eversinceayoungkid,huh?”
“You’reanonlychild.Youcan’tevenbegintounderstandwhatitisliketogrowupwithsiblingsalwaysstealingyourstuffandcopyingyou.”
“Iwish!Thatseemsawholelotbetterthanspendingyourentirelifealone.”
“Thesilencemusthavebeennice.”
Ilaugh.“Itgotoldfast.Ifeverythinggoesmyway,IplanonhavingenoughkidstofillawholehousesotheyneverhavetogrowupfeelingthewayIdid.”
Heshovesthegearstickabitharderthannecessary.“Kids?”
“AwholeminivanifI’mlucky.”
“Ididn’tknowyouwantedabigfamily.”Aveininhisneckthrobs.
“Youneverasked,andIdidn’tthinkitmattered.”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseweonlyagreedtoonechild.”
“Whatifthatweren’tthecase?”
Ifeelshockedbyhisquestion.“Whatexactlyareyousuggesting?”
Hepauses,clearlythinkingofaresponsebeforeshakinghishead.“Nothing.”
Nothing?Iwantanswers,butmyfearofhisresponsestopsmefromaskinganyquestions.Andwiththewayheshutsdown,IknowthatI’mnotgoingtogetthemtodayanyway.
Maybeit’sforthebest.
1?Noun,Norwegian:Thatoverwhelminggut-rusheuphoriaexclusivetothebeginningsoffallinginlove.
31
IRIS
ThereisnowayDeclan’stargethappenedtogototheChicagoBotanicGardenonaSaturday.Afterourwholeconversationinthecar,Iknowheplannedthisforme.Notthathewouldeveradmitit.Soratherthancallhimoutonit,Igoalongwiththewholecharade.I’mfartooexcitedaboutvisitingthegardentoruinitbycallingDeclanoutonhislie.
Thegardenismyfavoriteplaceintheentireworld—sorry,Dreamland.Ihavesomanyfondmemorieshere,datingallthewaybacktomychildhood.Mymom,Nana,andIwouldcomeheretogetheraftermySaturdaytutoringsessions.MomandIwouldvisitallthegardenswhileNanawouldhuffandpuffaboutherbustedknee,onlytobeeasilyswayedbytheprettyflowersandchampagnepopsicles.
IlaughasDeclangrabsamapfromaninformationstand.Hedoesn’taskformyhelp,andIdon’tbotherofferingit.WhileIknoweverycornerofthisplace,watchinghimassessthemaplikeweareexploringunchartedterritoryisfartooentertainingtopassup.
Helocatesourcurrentpositiononthemap.“Isthereacertainstrategytoallthis?”
“Strategy?It’sagarden,notachessboard.”Ilaugh.
“Fairpoint.Thenistheresomethinginparticularyouwanttoseefirst?”
“Shouldn’twegowhereverthepersonyoucametoseeis?”Ipushmylipstogethertopreventgivingmyselfaway.
“Idon’tknowwheretheyare.”Hesaystheliewithsuchease,itunsettlesmeenoughtopushformore.
“Youknow,ifIknewwhattheylookedlike,itwouldmakethisprocessalittleeasier.HowelseamIsupposedtoknowwhenweneedtopretend?”
Declanshutsthemap,pocketsit,andgrabsmyhand.“Wedon’t.”
Sparksshootupmyarmfromthecontact.“So,what?Wejustactlikeacoupletheentiretime?”
“Exactly.”
Ifakegroan.“Butthisplaceishuge.Itcouldtakehoursbeforewefindthem.”
“Maybeevenmore.”Hedoesn’treleasemyhandasheleadsustowardthestartofatrail.
Igivehimanotheropportunitytoconfess.“Theymustbeprettyimportantifyou’regoingoutofyourwaytosubjectyourselftowalkingaroundagardenforhourswhileholdingmyhand.”
“Youhavenoidea.”
Iturnmyheadawaysohedoesn’tcatchmesmilingathislie.
Declanwrapshisarmaroundmywaistasifwetouchlikethisallthetime.Whathappenedtothemanwhostruggledwithtouchingmeonlytwomonthsago?BecauseitseemslikethatversionofDeclanislonggone,withhimusingtoday’sfakedateasanexcusetotouchmehoweverhewants.
I’msolostinobsessingoverhisembracethatIalmostmissmyfavoritepartofthiswholeplace.
“Ahh!Stop!”IpullbackonDeclan’sarm.
Declanhalts,andIstumblefromthemomentum.
“Whathappened?”Hecheckstheperimeter.
“You’rewalkingsofastthatwealmostmissedmyfavoritepart.”
Helooksaround,missingthegreenhouseduringhisscanofthebushesbehindus.
Ipointwithmyfreehandattheglassstructure.
“Youwanttogointhere?”
“Yes!It’sthebestplace!”
“Agreenhouse?”
Ismile.“Istheresomethingwrongwiththat?”
“I’mjustsurprisedyoupreferthatovertheoutdoors.”
“I’llshowyouwhy.”Iallbutdraghimthroughthedoors.
Instantly,wearehitwithagustofhumidair.Fanssprayawarmmistacrossalltheplants,andwearecaughtinthecrossfire.
Acreaseappearsinbetweenhiseyebrows.“Whyisitsomuggy?”
“Becausetheyneedtorecreatethetropicalclimate.”
“Whatfor?”
ItexcitesmetoknowmoreaboutatopicthanDeclan,andIrelishinthefactthathedoesn’tknoweverythingafterall.“Plantslikethesewouldnevernormallysurvivetheseasonshere.Withoutagreenhouse,theywouldmostlikelydie,especiallyinChicago.”
HefollowsmeasIwalkthroughtherowsofshortpalmtrees.
“Isthatthereasonyoukeepallyourplantsindoors?”
“DoIneedabetterreasonbesidestoannoyyouwiththem?”
Hisglaremakesmelaughtomyself.
“Livinginanapartmenthadmanyperks,butagreenhouseisn’toneofthem.Notenoughspace.”Ileadhimtowardthesmallpondatthebackofthegreenhouse.“Youknowhowyouhavedifferentwordstoexpressyourfeelings?”
Henods.
“Plantshavedifferentmeaningstoo.”Igesturetowardthelotusflowerstemspeekingoutofthemurkywater.“Thesearemyabsolutefavorites.”
“Why?”Hepocketshishandsandstaresatmehead-onwithoutaflickerofemotion.
“Becauseitamazesmehowthemostbeautifulflowercanblossomfromtheworstconditions.”Icheckoutmyreflectioninthemurkywater.“Itseemssillytorelatetoaflower—”
“It’snot.”
Ilookuptofindhiseyesfocusedonme.Thewarmthreflectinginthemencouragesmetoopenupwithoutworryingabouttheconsequences.“Ispentalongtimeunderestimatingmyself,onlytorealizeIneededtomakeitpastthebadstuffandfindthelight.”
“Isthisthereasonyoulikedvisitingthegreenhouse?”Hestopsbesidemetogetacloserlookattheflowers.
“Themainone.”
“Anyothers?”
“You’relookingatit.”Ispininacirclewithmyarmsextended,andmyhandsbrushagainstacoupleofleaves.
Hislipspresstogetherinapoorattempttohidehissmile.
“You’reacrazyplantlady.”
“Please.Ihaven’tofficiallyearnedthattitleuntilIhaveagreenhouseofmyown.”
“Doyouwantone?”
“Agreenhouse?”
“ArethepesticidesinheregettingtoyourheadorareyoujuststrugglingtocomprehendwhatI’masking?”
“MaybeI’mstrugglingbecauseyou’renotaskinginthefirstplace.”
Hischestheavesfromadeepbreath.“Wouldyoulikeagreenhouse?”
“Inyourbackyard?”
“Ithinkwecanstartcallingitours,seeingasyoulivetheretoo.”
Mymouthopensbeforeshuttingagain.“You’reofferingtobuildmeagreenhouse?”
“IfonlytosavemefromtrippingoverpottedplantsinthemiddleofthenightwhenIwantagoddamnglassofwater.”
“Ofcourse.Howsillyofmetothinkyouwantedtobuildonetomakemehappy.”
“AnythingIdoissolelyformybenefit.”Buthisgrinsaystheexactopposite.
Thewarmfeelingfromhissmilefollowsmeaswekeepwalkingthroughthegreenhouse.ItakethetimetoexplainallthedifferentplantstoDeclan.Forsomeonewhoalwaysseemstobetakingthelead,hedoesn’tseemtheleastbitbotheredaboutfollowingme.
Aswestepoutofthegreenhouseandblinkupatthesun,Declanasks,“Wheretonext?”
Ipointtowardthetrailthatwilltakeusaroundthelake.“Thatway.”
Together,wewalkhandinhandlikeit’sthemostnaturalthingintheworld.DeclanasksmequestionsaboutdifferentplantsandIanswerthem,gettingfartooexcitedabouttopicslikethedifferencebetweentropicalandsemi-tropical.Heaskssillyquestions,halfofwhichI’msurearedonepurposefullytomakemelaugh.
Seriously,thereisnowayIwillinglymarriedsomeonewhodoesn’tknowthedifferencebetweenasucculentandacactus.Heseemsconfusedabouthowallcactiaresucculentsbutnotallsucculentsarecacti,andIspendagoodhourintheAridGreenhousewithhim,explainingeverythingIknowaboutthedifferentplants.
Notoncedoesheseemboreddespitemynonstopchatter.
Declan,amanwhodoesn’tspeakforlongerthanfive-minutespansoftime,spoketomeforhours.Theideamakesmefargiddierthanitshould.
It’snotuntilthesunbeginstosetthatDeclansteersustowardtheexit.
“So,didyoueverfindthem?”
“Who?”
Iliftourinterlockedhandsintheairtoremindhimofourduty.
“Thereporterwecameheretopretendinfrontof.”
“No.”
“Iknewit!Youcanstoplyingnow.”
“Lyingaboutwhat?”
“Wedidn’tcomeheresoareportercouldseeus,didwe?”
Hiseyeslighten.“Whyelsewouldwecomehere?”
“Becauseyouwantedtotakemeoutonadate,butyoudidn’twanttoadmititwasthatinthefirstplacejustincaseIrejectedyou,
soyoumadeupthiswholeelaboratestorysoIwouldn’taskquestions.”
“Isnarcissismgeneticorisourchildsafefromthatawfulpersonalitytrait?”
Thewayhesays“ourchild”sendsawaveofsomethingthroughmethatIrefusetoacknowledge.“Depends.Ifwe’regoingbasedonpaternalhistory,theyarescrewedfromthestart.”
Hereachesoutandrunshisthumbacrossmybottomlip.
“Hopefullytheyinherittheirmother’sselflessnessinstead.”
IofficiallyraisethewhiteflagasIstandonthetipsofmytoesandkisshim.
32
IRIS
Wesitinsilenceduringtheentiredrivebacktothehouse.I’mnotsurewhattosay,andDeclanlooksaboutonecommentawayfromfuckingmeinhismom’scar,soIstayquiet.
Myheartratereachesacriticallevelbythetimehedrivesintothegarage,andI’moutofbreathashepullsmeoutofthecarandstraightintothehouse.
Hemovessofast.OnemomentI’mblinkingupathim,thenextI’mbeingpushedupagainstawall.Myspinetinglesfromthemomentum.
“Tellmewhatyouwant.”Hiscrazedexpressiondoessomethinginsanetomyinsides.
Myheartthudsagainstmychest,mypulsethunderingwitheachbeat.Iloseallabilitytospeak.Thewayhestaresatme,withhisjawclenchedandnostrilsflaringwitheachraggedbreath,makesmeshiver.
“I’mnotsure.”
Heletsoutagroanashestepsaway.
Imisshiswarmthinstantly.“Declan—”Ireachouttotouchhim,buthegrabsbothmywristsandlocksthemabovemyhead.
“Youhaven’tearnedtherighttotouchmeyet.”
“Andyouhave?”
Hetracesthecolumnofmyneckwithhisfreehand,andmywholebodylightsuplikeafirework.“I’mnotscaredtoclaimwhat’smine.”
“I’mnotafraid.”Notanymore.I’mdonewiththebackandforth.
Theuncertaintyisdrivingmecrazy,anditisn’tfairtohim.HeplannedadateformeandpretendeditwasafakeonejustsoIwouldgo.Idon’tthinkanyonehasdonesomethingsosweetformeever.
“Proveitthen.”Hereleasesmywrists.
“Strikhedonia.”Inodoubtbutcherthepronunciation,butitseemstodrawagenuinesmilefromDeclannonetheless.
Iwrapmyhandaroundthebackofhisneckanddraghislipstowardmine.Comparedtoourfirstkiss,Declanletsmetakethelead.It’stentativeatfirst.Nothingbutafewsoftpressesofmylipsagainsthis,eachbecomingprogressivelymoredesperateonmyend.
Hedoesn’tmakeamovetotouchme,andmyskinitchesforconnection.HissilentchallengetoprovehowmuchIwanthimplaysinthebackofmymindasItracehisbottomlipwiththeedgeofmytongue.
IneverthoughtIwouldcravehistouchasmuchasIdoatthismoment,andIfindmyselfgrowingirritatedwithhowmuchcontrolheexudesoverthesituation.
Thatwon’tdo.Thetipsofmyfingerstinglewiththeneedtotouchhimeverywhere.MyhandsgrowbolderasIdragmyfingersdownhisshirt,straighttowardthebulgebeneathhispants.HereleasesashudderybreathasItracetheoutlineofhislength.Iusetheopportunitytoteasehistonguewithmine,andtheresultsaremiraculous.
Hegroansashispalmfindsthebackofmyneck,lockingmeinplaceasheravishesmymouth.Irubthepalmofmyhandagainsthiscock.HiskissinggrowsmoreuncontrolledasImakequickworkofundoinghisbeltandzipper.Ourtonguestangletogether,stiflinghismoanasIslipahandinsidehispants.HesucksinabreathasItracethetipofhiscock.Iswipeatthebeadofarousalwithmythumbbeforerubbingitincirclesacrosshishead.
Hebitesdownonmybottomlip,drawingametallictasteinmymouth.
IgiggletomyselfasIwithdrawmyhandandpullback.“Howwasthatforproof?”
Thehandaroundthebackofmynecktightens,andhisthumbpressesagainstmythunderingpulsepoint.Hischestrisesandfallswitheachraggedbreath.Goosebumpsspreadacrossmyskinasheopenshisblown-outeyesandturnsthemonme.
“I’mnotentirelyconvinced.”
Mylipspart.“You’resofullof—”
I’mcutoffashehaulsmeoverhisshoulder,stealingmebeforeIeverhaveachancetorun.
“Areyoukiddingme?We’rebacktothisagain?”Ipoundmyfistsagainsthisback.
Heturnstowardthestairs.“Iwanttoconductamorethoroughobservation.”
“Areyouinsane?”
“Whenitcomestoyou,thatwasneveraquestion.”
Ilaughashecarriesmeupthemillionsteps.“YouknowIcanwalkright?”
“Acutely.Thatdoesn’tmeanI’llletyou.”
Ilaugh.“Whynot?”
“You’reaflightrisk.”
“Amnot!”
“IfIhaditmyway,youwouldwearananklemonitorsoIcouldalwaysknowwhereyouare.”
Myeyeswiden.“Thatisabsolutelyterrifying.”
“Tellmeaboutit.I’vealreadylookedintoGPSchipsforourchild.”
Ourchild.Thosetwowordsseemtohavemyheartinachokeholdtoday.
“Thinkingaboutbecomingafatheroften?”Iaskwithashakyvoice
“MorethanIshould.”
Theideaofhimconsideringfatherhooddoesn’tscaremeasmuchasitshould.IknewwhatIwasgettingintowhenIsignedthe
deal,butitseemslikesuchacontrastcomparedtothemanwhoneededtobemanipulatedintosharedcustodyrights.
Oh,Iris.Whatareyougoingtodonow?
Declanseemstoanswerformeashepassesbymyroomwithoutstopping.Iclingtohisshirtwithsweatypalms,desperateforsomethingtogroundmeasweenterhisroom.
Myworldturnsrightsideupashethrowsmeontothebed.Iletoutanoomphasmybackslamsintothemattress,andalltheairisknockedoutofmeforacompletelydifferentreasonthanbeingflung.Declan’shandsgripontomythighsashedragsmetowardtheedgeofthebed.Thematerialofmydressslidesup,andthehemskatesdangerouslyclosetomyunderwear.
Hestopsandstaresatmeinawaythatmakesmefeellikeheispickingmeapart,piecebypiece.“Let’splayagame.”
“Youandyourdamngames.Iswearit’slikeyouweredeprivedoffunasachild.”
Hislipstwitchasheslideshispalmsupmythighs.Theytremblebeneathhistouch,andIpressthemtogethertohidetheirshakiness.
“You’lllikethisone.Ipromise.”Hemakesquickworkofmysneakersandsocks,andtheythudagainstthecarpetlikestrippedbattlearmor.
Iriseuponmyelbows.“Whataretherules?”
Hiseyesbleedtoblack.“Thereisonlyone.”
“Thatseemseasy.”
Hetsksashedragsmydresshemalittlehigher.Mybreathingcomesoutharsher,andthatseemstoonlyencouragehim.
“Beg.”
Ishoothimaglare.“Ifyouexpectmetobegforyourcock,youhaveanotherthingcoming.”
Onesideofhismouthliftsintoasmirk.“Whosaidanythingaboutmycock?”
“Thenwhatexactlydoyouwantmetobegfor—”
Declan’sfingersgrabontotheedgesofmythonganddragitdownward.Hetakeshistime,turningtheremovalofmyclothingintoanevent.Icanbarelytakehisdrawn-outtouchesandtheburningglances.
“Idon’tlikethisgame.”Igroan,growingimpatientwitheachpassingsecond.
Hetugsmydressuphigherandpartsmythighs.“I’msureIcanchangeyourmindsoonenough.”
AnyreplyImighthavemadeisstolenashepresseshispalmagainstmychestandshovesmebackward.Hedropstohiskneesanddragsmetowardhisface.
OhGod.Asightlikethatcouldbringawomantothebrinkoforgasmalone.Withthewaymylowerhalfthrobs,itwouldn’ttakemuchtopullmeovertheedge.Especiallynotwiththewayhestaresatme.Itscaresmeasmuchasitenthrallsme,andIdancebetweenthetwoashisfingerspartmeforhim.Myentirebodybuzzesashistonguedartsout,teasingme.Iarchmybackinresponse,andmythighssqueezehisheadbetweenthem.Hischucklemakesmyclitvibrate.Myfingersgripontothecomforterashedestroysmyabilitytothinkofanythingbuthistonguedivingintome.
Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeenthisturnedoninmylife.Everythingabouthimissensual,fromthewayhisnailsdigintomythighsasheteasesmetothewayhegroansagainstmewhenIsigh.Allislostthemomentheslipsafingerinsideme.Hislipswraparoundmyclit,suckingtothepointofpain.HestopseverysingletimeInearmypeak.IcursehiminthesamesentenceIpraisehim,andthatonlyseemstomakehimdraweverythingout.
Nomanhasevermademefeeldevouredlikethis.IwanthimtomakemestophurtingasmuchasIwanthimtoneverstopfuckingme.
InearlycrackandbegforhimtofinishwhathestartedbutIholdout.Ifheexpectsmetobreak,hehasanotherthingcoming.I’llmakehimworkjustashardtoproveapoint.
Iwon’tyieldforhim.Notinaboardroomandnotinthebedroom.
Declanrisestomychallengewithvigor.Mysensitiveclitaches,beggingformercyDeclanwon’tgive.I’mamessasIthrashagainstthesheets.Declancracksthecodeofmybodylikeanuclearbomb,andonewordearnsmethekeystoparadise.
“Please.”MycheeksaredampfromtearsIwasn’tawarehadfallen.
Hischucklesendsanotherwaveofarousalthroughme.“Youputupagoodfight.You’llberewardedforthat.”
Imoanasheslipsasecondfingerinside,crookingthetwosotheyglideagainstmyG-spot.Thewayhesucksonmyclitcombinedwiththetortureofhisfingersshovesmeofftheedge.
MybodyshuddersasDeclancontinuesfuckingmewithhistongue.Heplaysmybodylikehisfavoriteinstrument,drawingoutmyorgasmforaslongaspossible.IexpecthimtostopasIcomedown,buthismovementonlygrowsmoredesperate.
MyvoiceishoarseasIscreamouthisname,andthatseemstodrivehimwild.Hisfingersgripontomyassashepullsmeforward,drivinghistongueintomelikeIwishhiscockwould.Iclutchontohishairandtugatthestrands.Hegroans,pressinghisthumbagainstmyswollenclit.ThewayhecirclesthefleshhasmeclimbinguntilIchasemysecondorgasmlikeashootingstar.
Declanabandonsmyclitandpullsmeintohisembrace.Hesucksupmycriesashismouthlatchesontomine,drawinganothershakybreathfromme.Mylipspartandhebrusheshistongueagainstmine,makingmetastejusthowmuchIwanthim.Hisfingersgripontothebackofmyneck,andhisthumbstrokesmyrapidpulsepoint.
HiskissbecomeslessfranticasIcomedownfrommyhigh.Heswitchesfrompunishingtoapologetic,withtheslighttraceofhistongueacrossmybottomlipbecomingmyundoing.
Ifeellight-headed,likeahighIhaveyettocomedownfrom.
“Areyousureyou’reavirgin?”
Hegivesmypussyaslap.“Whatdidyousay?”
Igasp.“I’mkidding!”
“JustbecauseIhaven’tbeenwithanyoneinalongtimedoesn’tmeanIforgothowthingswork.”
“Whyhaven’tyou?Beenwithsomeone,Imean?”Inevershouldhaveaskedthequestion.Iknewitwasabadidea,yetIcouldn’tstopmyself,asperusualaroundDeclanlately.
“Itdidn’tfeelright.”
“Becauseyouwereobsessedwithme?”Istrokethefireinhiseyeswithverballighterfluid.
Hislipspressagainstmine.“That’snarcissisticofyou.”
Igrin.“Itmustbecontagiousaroundhere.”
HekissesmeuntilI’mcompletelyboneless,waitingforthenextstep.
Whatisthenextstep?
“Shouldn’twediscusswhathappensnext?”
Hegrabsmypalmandpressesagainsthisjeans,rightoverhisrock-solidcock.Hislipstrailalineofkissesdownmythroat.
Irubhiserectionwithmyhandbeforeretreating.“Sowhat?Wehavesex?”
Henipsatthesensitiveskinatthehollowofmyneck.“Noteverythingneedsaplan.”
“But—”
Hedragshishandupmybodyandcaressestheedgeofmybreast.“Doyouwantthisornot?”
Itfeelsasifheplacedaloadedguninmyhand.“Thiswillcomplicatethings.”
“Icanguaranteeit.”Histouchgrowsbolderashetracesmysensitivenipplethroughthefabricofmydress.“Nowthatwesettledeverything,doIhavepermissiontofuckyou?”
“Youseemfartooexcitedbytheprospect.”
Hegrinsinawaythatmakeshiswholefacelightup.IcommithislooktomemorysoIcanobsessaboutitlater.Hisbodypressesmeintothemattressasheleansforward.IwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandkisshimuntilIcan’ttakeitanymore.UntilI’mdizzyanddesperateformore.
Myhandsshoveathischest.Hetakeshisweightoffmeandstands
“What—”
IcuthimoffasIstandandgrabthehemofhisshirt.“Off,”Iorder.
Hecomplieswithmycommand,revealingachestofpale,muscularflesh.Isighatthesight.Hisbodydeservestobeanational
monument.IfIdidn’tsufferfromaninsaneamountofjealousy,Iwouldnominatehimmyself.
“Likewhatyousee?”
Ismirk.“Depends.Isitallforshowordoyouhavethestaminatobackitallup?”
HeshootsmealopsidedgrinIfeelstraighttomyheart.“Iswearyoulikestirringmeup.”
“OnlybecauseIlikeunravelingyousomuchmore.”Irunmyhandsdownhisabs,tracingeachcurvewiththetipsofmyfingers.
Heshuddersasmyhandsreachtoremovehisbelt.Islidedownontomyknees,andahissescapeshim.
“Relax,”Isaywiththeutmostconfidencedespitetherapidbeatofmyheart.I’mquicktoshovehisjeanspasthisthighs,revealingthebulgestrainingagainstthematerialofhisbriefs.
Theoutlineofhiscockmakesmymouthwater.IbecomecrazedasItughisbriefsdownhislegs,notstoppinguntilhiscockbobsinfrontofme.Abeadofarousalleaksfromthetip.I’velostallsenseofselfasIlickhimfromthebaseofhisshaftallthewaytothetip,tracingmytongueoverthepearlywhitedrop.
Ratherthangripmyhead,heclutchesontomychinandforcesmetolookupathim.“ThisisbetterthananythingIcouldhaveimagined.”
Mycheeksburn.“Thinkofmeoften?”
“Regrettably.”
I’llshowhimregrettably.Igraboneofthebowsholdingupmydressandtugonthestring.OureyesremainlockedtogetherasImoveontothenextstrap,pullingatthestranduntilbothsidesofmydressfall.Thematerialpuddlesaroundmylaplikeahalo.
Hiseyeswidenastheydroptomychest
“Eyesuphere.”Isnapmyfingersandpointthematmyfacebeforetakinghiscockinmymouth.
HehissesasIalternatebetweensuckinghimoffandtracinghisshaftwiththetipofmytongue.
“Didyouthinkaboutthis?”Ireachoutandcradleoneofhisballs,earningagroanbeforeItakehiminmymouthagain.Hepusheshiscockfartherdownmythroat.I’vefeltpowerfulinmany
situations,butnothingcomparestothehighIgetwatchingDeclanlosehimselfinthepleasureofmytouch.
“Orhowaboutthis?”Itakehimdeeperthaneverbeforewhilesuckinginlongdragsofairtopreventmygagreflex.Thesaltytasteofhimcoatsmytongue,andIsuckathistiptogetanothertaste.
“MorelikeIthinkofthis.”Hepullsaway,takinghiscockwithhim.Mymouthfallsopenasheswoopsinandthrowsmebackonthebed.
Hemakesquickworkofdiscardingmydress,leavingmeblinkingupattheceiling,nakedandwaiting.Islideacrossthecomforterashedragsmetowardtheedgeofthebed.Mylimplegshangovertheside,danglingasheshovesthemopen.
Heslipsafingerinsideme,draggingitbackandforthbeforeaddinganother.“Whoknewyoulikedsuckingcockthatmuch?”
Iriseonmyelbows.“Drivingyouwildseemstohaveanaddictingqualitytoit.”
Basedonthesmileonhisfaceasheturnsawayfrommeandgrabsacondomfromhisnightstand,Ithinkhelikedmyanswer.
OnecanonlyhopeI’mrewardedformyhonesty.
Iwatchhimslipthecondomonhisshaft,andI’mhitwithanotherwaveofadmirationforhim.Knowingheiswillingtoputasidehisgoaltogetmepregnantmakesmywholechestache.
Hestepsbetweenmylegsagainandlineshimselfupatmyentrance.Mybreathcatchesashedrivesforward,slamminghishipsagainstmine.Tearsprickmyeyesfromtheburningsensationofhimstretchingme.
Hewrapsmytremblinglegsaroundhiswaist,andIhissatthetightness.
“Ihateyou,”Isaythroughgrittedteeth.
“Ilookforwardtofuckingtheliesrightoutofyou.”Thelookofhungerinhiseyessendsashiverdownmyspine.Hisnailsdigintomyhipsashewithdraws,onlytoslideintomeagain.TheairisknockedstraightoutofmylungsashistemposhiftstosomethingIcanonlydescribeasinsatiable.
HisonslaughtdestroysanysenseofcontrolIhaveoverthesituation.Hethrowsoneofmyquiveringlegsoverhisshoulder
beforeaddingtheother,changingourpositionsoIcantakemoreofhisabuse
Aburningdesireinmylowerhalfintensifieswitheachslapofhishipsagainstmine.Iclawatthesheets.Hischest.Histhighs.
Anythingtogroundmeashememorizesmybodylikealanguageonlyhecantranslate.
Hispumpsnevercease,andmyorgasmstartstobuildinsideofme.Herunshisthumbacrossmyclitbeforedrawingsmallcircleswiththepad.Idetonatelikeabomb,warmthexplodinginmychestasheshovesmeovertheedgeofnoreturn.Myeyesslamshut,onlytosnapopenagainashepinchesmyclit.
“Lookatme.”Theroughwhisperofhiscommandsendsanotherroundofliquidfirethroughme.Ishatteraroundhiscockwithoutbreakingeyecontact.Myreleaseseemstosparkhis.Hisfingersdigintomyfleshashiscockdrivesinandoutofmelikeamanpossessed.Hegroans,fingerstighteningaroundmeashis
Ifoundmynewestaddiction,andithappenstobemyfakehusband.
33
DECLAN
“Whydidyouuseacondom?”IrisasksasshetugsacleanT-shirtofmineoverherhead.
Ibusymyselfwithdiggingthroughadrawer.“Iwasn’tabouttokillthemomentbyaskingifyouwantedtotryforababy.”
Shelaughs.“Iappreciatethethought,butIknowwhatIsignedupfor.”
“So,what,ushavingsexisjustawayforyoutofulfillyourendofacontract?”Mytonecarriesmorebitethanintended.
“Ineversaidthat.”
“Thenwhat?”Isnap.
“Imean,Iknowweagreedtohavingachildviainvitro,butifweareattractedtoeachother,thenmaybe…”Hervoicedropsoff.
Isshefuckingkiddingme?Ifweareattractedtoeachother?Thewaysheminimizesourconnectionmakesmewanttothrowherbackonthebedandshowherhowattractedsheistome.It’sbullshitiswhatitis.
You’reangryatyourselfbecauseyou’redevelopingfeelingsandsheisn’t.
Fuckyeah,I’mangry.IhatethisdiscomfortgrowinginmychestwitheachraggedbreathasmuchasIhatethewaysheistheonepersonIcan’tcontrol.
Islamthedrawershut,whichmakesherwince.Herreactiononlyaddstomyalreadydeterioratingmood.
Reinyourtemperinbeforeyoudosomethingyouregret.
I’mquicktothrowonapairofsweatpantsandaT-shirtbeforegrabbingmywallet.
“Letmeexplain.”Shegrabsontomyarm,butIshrugheroff.
“Idon’twantyourexplanation.”
WhatIwantissilenceandsometimetothinkbymyselfbecausesomethingI’mdoingisn’tworking.Ichased.Iconquered.Yetshestillwon’tacknowledgetheobviousfeelingsgrowingbetweenus.
“Whereareyougoing?”Shefollowsmedownthehall.
“Out.”Idon’tlookbackatherasIbarreldownthestairs.
“It’slate.”Hervoiceedgesonthesideofpanicasshefollowsbehindme.
Ialmostturnaround,butIcan’t.NotwhenIfeellikethis.Idon’tevenknowwhatthisevenis,butIwanttoclawatmychestuntilIhavetheabilitytoripmyuselessheartout.
“Don’tgo.Notlikethis.”Shegraspsmychininherhandandforcesmetolookather.
“Tellmewhyyoudon’twantmetogo.”
“Itdoesn’tfeelright.”Herreplyisinstant.
“Why?”Ipress.
Shebitesdownonherlipandglancesaway.“Becauseyou’reupset.”
“Tryagain.”
Onemorechanceandthenyou’rewalkingaway.
“BecauseIdon’twantyoutogo.”
“Better,butnotgoodenough.”Ileanforwardandkissthetopofherheadbeforewalkingoutofthehouse.
Shedoesn’tstopmeagain,althoughIwishshehad.
IdrivearoundChicagowithoutanydestination.TheemptyfeelinginmychestonlyintensifieswitheachmileIputbetweenIrisand
myself,muchtomyfrustration.Idon’twanttobeawayfromher,butIdon’twanttobearoundhereither.NotwhenIfeeloutofcontrolandonesentenceawayfromdestroyingalltheprogressI’vemadeupuntilthispoint.
Irefusetogiveheranotherreasontoquestionourrelationship,evenifshedoesn’tknowweareinoneinthefirstplace.ButhowdoIconvincemywifebycontractthatwearemeanttobetogetherbychoice?
Thequestionplaguesmeforawholehour.NothingIcomeupwithseemstobegoodenough,andIalwayscirclebacktothesameissue.
I’mhopelessanddesperatebythetimeIknockonCal’sdoor.
Heopensitnotaminutelater.“Iwaswonderingwhenyou’dshowup.”
“Shecalledyou.”
HislackofasmileistheonlyconfirmationIneed.“Whateveryoudid,gobackandfixit.”
“Whydoyouassumeit’smethatdidsomethingwrong?”
“Areyouseriouslyaskingmethatquestion?”
“Fairenough.”
Hesighs.“Comeonin.Youlooklikeyoucoulduseapersontotalkto.”
Iwalkpasthimandenterhisapartment.Hekeepstheplacepristine,acompleteoppositeofwhatanyonewouldexpectgivenhiswreckofapersonallife.
“Doyouwantadrink?”
“Water’sfine.”
Calactslikeagoodhost,bringingmeaglassofwaterandatumblerofmyfavoritewhiskey.“Thoughtyoucoulduseboth.”
“Youdon’tevenlikewhiskey.”
“No,butIlikemybrother.Sometimes.”Hegrabsthebottleandplacesitdownnexttothetumblerjustincase.
Ipickupthewaterandleavethewhiskeyonthecoffeetable.
Alcoholwillonlymakemattersworse,andIneedaclearhead.
“WhileI’mflatteredyoucameheretoseekoutmyadvice,I’mnotsureI’llbeabletohelpmuch.”
“Because?”
“Irisismybestfriend.I’mnotgoingtohelpyouifitmeanshurtingher.”
“I’mnottryingtohurther,dumbass.I’mtryingtoshowherthatIcareabouther,”Isnap.
Cal’seyeswiden.“Holyshit.”
ThesearethemomentsIwishlifehadarewindbutton.
“Youcareabouther?Really?”ThemystifiedlookonhisfaceremindsmeofthedayItoldhimSantawasn’treal.
Ipressmylipstogethertoavoidsayinganythingelse.
Hegrabsmyglassofwhiskey,takesasip,andunceremoniouslyspitsitout,straightbackintothesamecup.
Tothinkwearerelated.
“Well,thischangesthings.”
“How?”
“Ithoughtyouwouldmakeherfallinlovewithyou,nottheotherwayaround.”Hisheaddropsbackashelaughs,hisvoicehoarse.
“Ineversaidanythingaboutlove.”
Heonlylaughs.
Myteethgrindtogether.“Areyoudone?”
“I’msorry.It’sjusttoofuckinggood.Youmarriedherthinkingshewouldmakeyourlifeeasier,onlytorealizeyoulikeher.Alot.”
CalmakesmefeellikeI’mthepunchlineofsomejoke.
“Idon’tknowwhyIthoughtcomingherewasagoodidea.”Istand.
“Wait.”Heholdsuphishand.“I’msorry.Itwasshittyformetolaughatyouwhenyou’reobviouslygoingthroughahardtime.”
Excepthiseyestwinklefromwithheldlaughter.
“I’mleaving.”
Heblocksmyexit.“Stop.I’llhelpyou.”
Iraiseabrow.“I’mstartingtodoubtyouevenknowhow.”
“Youmightnotlikemyadvice,butifyou’rewillingtotryit,thenIthinkyou’llbehappywiththeresults.”
“I’mlistening.”Isitbackdown.
“Irisisn’tmuchdifferentfromanyotherwoman.Shehaswants,needs,andfears.”
“TothinkIthoughtyouwouldbehelpful.”
Heglares.“Ifyouwanthertofallinlovewithyou,youhavetoprovetoherhowyou’redifferentfromallthemenshehasdatedbefore.”
“Thatcan’tbetoohard.Theywerealldisgustinglyaverageineverysingleway.”
“Unfortunatelyforyou,youfallintothesamecategory.”
Myfrowndeepens.“Ihighlydoubtthat.”
“YoucaneitherargueeverypointImakeoryoucanshutupandlistentosomeoneelseforonce.”
Idooneslowblink.
“Therewasalwayssomethingthatheldherbackfromgoingallin,butthereasonsallstemmedfromthesameissue.”
“Whichwas?”
“Theyneverfullyearnedhertrust.”
“AllI’vedoneisgivenherreasonstotrustme.”
“Yourwholerelationshipisalie.”
Iglare.“No,it’snot.”
“I’mnottheoneyouneedtoconvince.”
“WhatdoyousuggestIdo?”
“Easy.Startwiththetruthandgofromthere.”
“Whattruth?”
“Thefactthatthereisprobablyapartofyouthathasbeeninlovewithherforalongtime,waybeforeyoueversignedamarriagecontract.”
TherehegoesagainwiththeL-word.ItcouldexplainmyinsaneneedtokeepIriscloseandprotectherfromharm’sway.Thewaymychestfeelsalltightwhensheisgone.Howmyheartbeatsfasterwheneversheisinthesameroomasme.MyintenseneedtomindmywordssoIdon’thurther.
Shit.
IamfallinginlovewithIris.Thesignswereallthere,andIignoredthembecauseIdidn’ttrulyunderstandthem.
InsteadofanintensewaveofpanicattheideaoflovingIris,Ifeelcalm.LoveIcanworkwith.Imightnotknowhow,butI’mwillingtolearn.Forherandonlyher.
Iswitchmywaterforthewhiskey.“IfeellikeI’mgoingtoneedsomethingstrongerfortherestofthisconversation.”
Whoeversaidthetruthwillsetyoufreeisadumbass.MylegsfeelweigheddownbyinvisiblecementblocksasIwalkinsidethehouse.
Ithrowthekeysonthecounterandmakemywaytowardthestairs,onlytochangepathstowardthebrightlightontheothersideofthehouse.
Alampinthecornerofthelivingroombasksthespaceinalowlight.
Iris,stilldressedinmyT-shirt,layssprawledoutonthecouchwithablanketcoveringthebottomhalfofherbody.Oneofherhandsstillclutchesontoherphoneasifsheiswaitingforacall.
Shestayedupforyou.
Iinstantlyregretmydecisiontoturnoffmyphoneaftershecalledmethefirsttime.Itwasarashchoicemadeintheheatofthemoment,butitwasclearlythewrongone.
Ilifthercarefullyinmyarms,beingmindfulnottowakeherwithanysuddenmovements.Shemumblessomethingbeforesnugglinguptomychest.MychesttightensasIlookdownather,wonderinghowthehellIendedupmarriedtoawomanlikeher.
Youknowhow.
MyteethgrindtogetherasIletoutanagitatedbreath.Iris’sheadbobswiththemovement,butshedoesn’tstir.
Icarryherupthestairsandtowardmyroom.Somehow,I’mabletogethertuckedintobedwithoutwakingherup,althoughshemumblesafewthingsinhersleepabouthermom.
IshowerbeforecrawlingintobedandtuggingIrisagainstme.Iintertwineherlegswithmine,securinghertomybodysosheisn’tabletoescapeinthemorning.
34
IRIS
Iwakeupsweatingandunabletomoveanythingbutmyhead.
Somehow,IendedupinDeclan’sbed,trappedbyhisarmsandlegs.
Theaudacityofthismanisunrivaled.Itrytoescapehisgrasp,butitonlyseemstomakethingsworse.Hisarmstightenaroundmeashemumblessomethingunintelligibleintomyhair.
“Declan.”Ipushagainsthischest.
“Shh.”Hekissesthetopofmyforeheadbeforereleasingasoftsigh.
“Wakeup.”Ishovehimabitharder,andthatseemstodothetrick.
Heblinksupattheceilingbeforelookingatme.“Goodmorning.”Hisarmsremainlockedaroundme,equallyasirritatingashislegssecuringmetohisside.
“Youcantakeyourgoodmorningandshoveitupyourass.”
Helaughs,andI’minstantlypeevedfromthewaythesoundwarmsmyinsideslikealcoholinthedeadofwinter.
“IsthereareasonI’minyourbed?”
“BecauseIwantedtobeabletodothis.”
Mybackhitsthemattressrightbeforehislipspressagainstmine.
Thekissisacompletecontrastfromyesterday’sdesperation,andI
findmyselfgrowingfrustratedwithhowcontrolledDeclanappears.
It’ssoft,sweet,andfartootameafterthekindofsexwehad.
Howcanhekissmelikethatafterwalkingoutonme?Bloodrushesthroughmyears,makingthetipshot.
Ishoveathischest.“Getoff.”
“Nocando.”
“What?”
“I’mholdingyouhostageuntilyouhearmeout.”
Mymouthdropsopen.Itrytobudge,buthecreatedacagewithhislimbs.
Youfellfortheoldesttrickinthebook.
Insteadofkissinghim,Ishouldhavebeentryingtogetoutfromunderhim.Declanhadmecompletelydickmatized,goddammit.
“Stopfightingandgivemetenminutes.”
“Youdon’tdeservetenseconds,letalonetenminutesofmytime.”
“Howabouttenwordsthen?”
Ilaugh.“I’dliketoseeyoutry.”
“Iamfallinginlovewithyou,IrisElizabethKane.”
Iblinkupathim.EitherIamstillsleepingorImusthavenotheardhimcorrectlybecausethereisnowayDeclanKanejustadmittedthatheisfallinginlovewithme
Absolutelynofuckingway.
Right?
Isqueezemyeyesshutasifthatcanerasethewordsfrommymemory.“You’rejoking.”
“I’mnot.”
“Thisisjustanotherpartofyourgame.”Itrytopushhimaway,buthedoesn’tbudge.
“Itstoppedbeingagameformealongtimeago.”
“You’relying.”
Hisbrowspulltogether.“AskmewhyIhatewhenpeopleuseTimesNewRomaninsteadofArial.”
“Areyouseriousrightnow?Whatdoesthathavetodowithanyofthis?”
“BecauseIchoseitforyou.”
“I’msorry,what?”
“Ireadsomewhereonlinethatsansseriffontsareeasierforpeoplewithdyslexiatoread,soIchangedmyrequirements.ForcedeveryoneelseIoverseetoswitchwithmeorelsetheywouldfacemywrath.AllbecauseIwantedtohelpyou.”
Emotionsclogmythroat,preventingmyabilitytoreply.WhatcanIpossiblysaythatcouldcomparetothat?
Declandoesn’tgivemeanoptionashecontinues.“WanttoknowwhyIkeptthecactus?”
Inod.
“Becauseitwasthefirsttimesomeonegotmeapresentthatmademelaugh.”
Ifheartscouldmeltintopuddles,minewouldbeliquifiedrightaboutnow.
Hiseyesdartawayfrommyface.“Askmewhyyouweredeniedthejobtransfer.”
No
There’sabsolutelynofreakingway.
“Tellmeyoudidn’t.”
Hislipspressintoathinwhiteline.“Icouldn’tletyougo.”
“Ican’tbelieveyourightnow.”Ipushathisshouldersbutit’saseffectiveasmovingaboulder.
“Forwhatit’sworth,I’mnotproudofit.”
“Yousabotagedme.”Myvoicecracks.
Hisfacesoftens.“I’msorry.”
“You’resorry?Ispentmonthsonmypresentation,perfectingittothepointofobsession,onlytoberejectedbecauseyouweretooselfishtoletmego?Whodoesthat?”
“Someonewhodoesn’tunderstandthefirstthingaboutlovingsomeone,butiswillingtotryifyougivemeachance.”
“Youwantmetogiveyouachanceaftereverything?DoyouthinkI’mstupid?”
Hewinces,andabitofmyangerfadesawayathisvulnerability.
“Intelligencehasnothingtodowiththis.”
“Easyforyoutosaywhenyou’renottheonewhofeelslikeafool.”
“Really?Becausebasedonyourreactiontoday,I’mfeelingprettydamnfoolishforeveradmittingthatI’mfallinginlovewithyou.”
Heslipsoffthebed,leavingmefeelingchilledtothebone.
“Declan…”Ireachout,buthetakesastepback.
Myeyesstingfromhisrejection.Ithurts
“I’mnotaskingyoutolovemeback.Idon’texpectthatandI’mnotsureifIeverwillbecauseI’mthefurthestthingfromlovable.I’mselfish,rude,anddon’tknowthefirstthingaboutbeinginarelationshipwithsomeone.Butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mnotwillingtotryforyouifyouletme.”
HowamIsupposedtobeangryathimwhenhethinksheisunlovable?Apainripsthroughmychestatthethoughtofhimtalkingabouthimselfthisway.
Islideoffthebedandwalkstraightintohischest.Hisarmsstayplasteredagainsthissides,soIgrabthemandwrapthemaroundmywaist.
“Justbecauseyoumakeselfishchoicesdoesn’tmeanyou’reaselfishperson.Atleastnotcompletely.”Themanprotectedhisbrothersfromtheiralcoholicfatherforyearswithoutanykindofpayback.Ifthatisn’taselflesssacrifice,Idon’tknowwhatis.
“Yourlogicishalf-bakedatbest.”
“Soisyours,seeingasyoucalledyourselfunlovable.”
Hisbodytenses.“I’mstatingfacts.”
“Idon’tknowwhatbullshityourfathertoldyouovertheyears,butit’snottrue.Yourbrothersloveyou.”
“They’reobligatedto.”
“Nooneisobligatedtolovesomeoneelse.Bloodornot.”
Hetakesadeepbreath.“You’reright.”
Ismileupathim.“Icouldgetusedtohearingthosewords.”
Hereachesupandcupsmycheek.“GivemeachanceandI’lltellyouthemeverysingleday.”
Isighandlookaway.“Idon’tknow.”
“Tellmewhat’sstoppingyou.”
“Youdon’tdorelationships.”
“GoodthingI’mmarriedthen.”
Ishakemyhead.“Ourmarriageisn’tevenreal.”
“Ascrapofpaperdoesn’tdefinewhatweare.Feelingsdo,andmineareahundredpercentgenuine.”
Iavoidhispenetratinggaze.“Whatifmyfeelingsaretellingmetorun?”
“It’scuteyouthinkyoucanoutrunme,butI’llgiveyouaheadstartjusttomakethingsinteresting.”
Istammer.“Doyoualwayshaveananswerforeverything?”
“Notfortheonethatmattersmost.”Thewayhelooksatmestirsupsomethingdeepinsideofme.
Longing
Iwanttogivehimachance,regardlessofthepotentialfallout.
Youmightgethurt.
Imight,butImightmissoutonsomethingspecialbecauseI’mtooafraidofthewhatifs.I’mdonebeingthatperson.Evenifitmeansgettinghurt,I’drathertryandfailthannevertryatall.
Istandonthetipsofmytoesandpressmylipsagainsthis.Heholdsmetightagainsthischest,asifheisafraidoflettingmego.
Ipullaway,onlytoclaspontohisstubbledchin.“Thiscouldbeadisaster,butI’mwillingtotry.”
Heshutsmeupbypushinghislipsagainstmine,sealingournewdeal.Thewayhekissesmeisdifferentthananytimebefore.Hecupsmyfacewiththepalmsofhishandsashislipsmoldagainstmine,teasingmeuntilIfeeldizzy.Histhumbbrushesacrossmycheekbackandforth,andheatrushesdownmyspinestraighttomybelly.Hemakesmefeelcherished.Protected.Lovedinawaythatmakesmeneverwanttocomebackdowntoreality.
Icouldspendforeverbeingkissedlikethisandstillfeellikeitisn’tenough.WhileDeclanmightnotbethebestwithwords,hiskisssaysitall.
Heisfallinginlovewithme.Notranslationnecessary.
35
IRIS
Thenextweekend,Iwakeuptoabsolutechaosdownstairs.IrolloutofDeclan’sbed,runtomyroomtogetdressedinsomethingotherthanoneofhisT-shirts,andfreshenupintherestroom.
Itdoesn’ttakeasupersleuthtofindoutwhereallthenoiseiscomingfrom.Imakemywaythroughthehouse,followingthesoundofCal’svoice.
“Lookwhofinallydecidedtojoinus!”CalclapshishandsasIwalkintothelivingroom.
“Whatisgoingon?”Icheckouttheusualspreadofdonuts,mimosas,cigars,andothercontrabandmaterials.
Declandoesn’tbotheransweringmeashestaresattheTV.Withthewayheanalyzestheblackscreen,onewouldthinkitwasactuallyturnedon.
“YourhusbandhereinvitedusovertowatchanF1race.”
“Us?”
“RowanandZahraarelate,asperusual.”Calgrabsadonutanddemonstrateswhathethinksthey’redoing.
“They’recominghere?”
“Surprise?”Callooksoveratthemaninquestion.
“Thebatteriesaredead.”Heannouncesbeforeleavingtheroom.
IfIexpectedanyanswers,I’mnotabouttogetthemfromhim.
“Hereallydidn’ttellyou?”
“No.Itmusthaveslippedhismind.”Orhewantedtosurpriseyou.
MyheartcouldpossiblyburstfromtherealitythatDeclanplannedthisallforme.Idroppedtheideaafterheprotestedit,soknowinghewentoutofhiswaytoplanitanyway…
Itmakesmewanttokisshim.
Orfuckhim.
Orkisshimandfuckhim.
Calholdsupthesparklingappleciderbottlewithascrunchednose.“Doyouhavesomeexcitingnewstosharewithmeoristhisaninsulttoinjury?”
Ilaugh.“I’mnotpregnant.”
Declanre-enterstheroom.“Notyetatleast.”
Mywholebodyfeelsabouttwentydegreestoohot.Thewaythismanlooksatmemakesmewonderifit’spossibletogetpregnantviaintensestaringandpalpablelonging.Inquiringmindswanttoknow.
“Well,that’smycuetogofindsomethingstrongertodrink.
There’snowayI’llgetthroughbeingthefifthwheelwithoutwantingtochopmyowndickoff.”
DeclanshootsCalawitheringlookasheleavesthelivingroom.
“So…”Istart.
HeusesthenowworkingremotetoturnontheTVandfindtherightchannel.
“What’stherealreasonyouplannedthisall?”
HisbackmusclesshiftunderneathhisT-shirt.“Gezelligheid1.”
Ipulloutmyphoneandstareatthesearchbarwithapinchedexpression.
“G-E-Z-E-L-L-I-G-H-E-I-D.”Hespellsitoutslowlywithoutmeevenasking.
“Wheredidyoulearnthisone?”
“DuringmymonthstudyingabroadintheNetherlands.”
Ilaughwhenthepageloads.“Cozy?That’swhyyoudidthis?”
Heshakeshishead.“It’smorethanthat.It’saboutcreatingaplacewherepeoplecanrelaxandfeelhappy.”
“Sincewhendoyoucareaboutmakingpeoplehappy?”
“Icouldn’tcarelessaboutanyoneelse’shappinessbesidesyourown.”
Mychestachesfromhisconfession.“Thathastobeoneofthesweetest—butextremelyfuckedup—thingsanyonehaseversaidtome.”
“Fuckeduphow?”Heseemsgenuinelyconfusedbymystatement.
“Becauseyoushoulddonicethingsbecauseyouwantto,notbecauseyouthinkitwouldmakemehappy.”
“Iwanttomakeyouhappy,sotherefore,Idonicethings.”
Well,Ican’texactlydebatehiskindoflogiconthatone,especiallywhenitmakesmewanttokisshimuntilwe’rebothbreathless
Ibitedownonmylip.“Whathappenswhenwhatmakesmehappygoesagainstwhatyouwant?”
Hisgazedarkens.“ThenI’llconvinceyouotherwise.”
Myheadtilts.“That’snothowrelationshipswork.”
“Wearen’tatypicalrelationship,sotherefore,thesamerulesdon’tapplyhere.”
“Theremightbeatimeinyourlifewhenyoucan’tconvinceme.
Whatthen?”
“Whenitcomestoyou,I’mnotopposedtousinganymeansnecessary.”
“Includingtorture?”
Hecupsmycheekanddrawsmetowardhim.“IsitstillconsideredtortureifIletyoucome?”
“I’veunlockedasexed-upmonster.”
Helaughsashepullsmeintoasearingkissthatmakesmytoescurl.Withthecaressofhistongueagainstmine,ourconversationiserasedfromrecentmemory.
Thedoorbellrings,andDeclanhesitatestoletmego.Hetugsmebacktowardhimforonelastkiss.
Thedoorbellchimesagain,andIlaughasIleaveascowlingDeclanbehindtogoanswerthefrontdoor.IthrowitopentofindRowanandZahrastandinghandinhandontheporch.
Zahralooksoveratmewithasmile.“Hey!”Shedoesn’tgivemeachancetosayanythingbeforeshebarrelsintomeandthrowsherarmsaroundmytorso.“I’msoexcitedtohangoutwithyou!”
“Metoo,”Iwheeze.
Declan’sshadowseemstomakeeveryonefreezeinplace.
“Declan.”Rowantipshischin.
“Thanksforcomingover.”HeholdsouthishandforRowantotake.
Rowan’slipstwitchasheignoresitandthrowsanarmaroundhisbackandgiveshimapat.“Yourthreatsmademecurious.”
“Threats?”Iask.
Declandoesn’tpayanyattentiontomyquestionasheshootsRowanadeathglare.Rowanturnshisgazetowardme,andasmilebrightenshiswholeface.“I’mgoingtothoroughlyenjoythisall.”
“AreyouabigfanofF1?”
HelooksatDeclanasherespondstomyquestion,“Thebiggest.Ilovewatchingpeoplecrashandburn.”
“That’shorrifying.”ZahrasmacksRowan’sarm.
Declan’sjawticks.
“Well,asfunasthiswholepissingcontestis,someofuscamehereforthemimosas.”ZahraloopsherarminmineanddragsmeawayfromDeclanandRowan.“Leadtheway.”
Ikeepaneyeonthemovermyshoulder.DeclanshovesafingerintoRowan’schestasheencroachesinhisspace.Rowandoesn’tseemtheleastbitbothered,insteadhe’slaughingandsayingsomethingIcan’tmakeoutfromthisfaraway.
Zahrapatsmyhand.“Don’tmindthem.RowanhasbeenoutforDeclan’sbloodeversincethewholeDreamlanddebaclehappened.Itwasonlyamatteroftimebeforetheyhashedeverythingout.”
I’mnotsureasimpleconversationwillsolveeverything,givenhowupsetDeclanwaswhenRowanchosemovingtoDreamlandoverhelpinghimwiththecompany.
IturnbacktowardZahra.“Youknowaboutthat?”
Shelaughs.“Ohyeah.RowantoldmeafterhedecidedtostayatDreamland.”
“Wow.”
“AsmuchasIlovethathedidthat,I’mnotoneforfamilydrama,soI’drathertheyfixthingssoonerratherthanlater.ForRowan’ssakeatleast.Hepretendshedoesn’tcareaboutDeclanbeingangry,butIknowhim.Heloveshisbrother.”
“Ifitmeansanything,IthinkDeclanmisseshimtoo.”
“Morelikehemissespickingonhisbabybrother.”
Calstepsoutofthelivingroom.“Declanfoundsomeoneelsetotorturenow,soIthinkwe’resafefromhiswrath,solongasIrisputsout.”
Ichokeonmyinhale.“Whosaidanythingaboutthat?”
“Icaughtyoukissingearlier.”
Zahra’seyeswiden.“Youkissedhim.”
MycheeksburnasIlookaway.
“OhmyGod.Weneedtotalk.Now.”Shedragsmetowardthestairs,butImakeaquickdetoursoIcangrabtwomimosas.Ihaveafeelingwearegoingtoneedsomealcoholforthisconversation.
ZahraandImakeourwaytomyroomwithourdrinksinhand.ForthefirsttimesinceImovedintothehouse,Ifinallyusethesittingareabythehugewindow.
“Niceroom.It’salotdifferentthanwhatIexpected,”shesaysasshelooksaround.
“Thedungeonisbeingcleanedsothiswasthenextbestthing.”
Shelaughs.“Sorry.Itendtotalkoutloudsometimesandforgetmymanners.”
Itakeasipofmydrink.“Don’tworry.I’msureyou’recuriousabouteverything.”
Herwholefacelightsup.“Yes!I’vebeendyingtoaskyouaboutyourfakemarriage,butyourweddingdidn’tseemlikethemostappropriateplace.”
“Forlegalpurposes,Ihavetotellyounottorepeatthisconversationtoanyone.”
Shesnorts.“Doesthatspielactuallyworkonanyofyourfriends?”
Ishrug.“Iwouldn’tknow.BesidesCal,whoalreadyknowseverything,Idon’thaveany.”
Herbottomlipjutsout.“That’ssad.”
Isigh.“It’soldnews.”
“Isit?”
“Ithoughtwecameupheretotalkaboutmymarriage.”MydeflectionwouldmakeDeclanproud.
Sheclinksherglassagainstminebeforetakingasip.“Touchysubject.Gotit.”
Iinstantlyfeelbadforbeingsnippy.“Sorry.Idon’tmeantocomeoffrude.”
“Don’tworryaboutit.I’mnotheretojudgeyou.”
“Notevenalittlebit?”
“Whatfor?”
Ilookaroundmyroom.“Youdon’tfindmysituationalittle…
weird?”
Herchestshakesfromsilentlaughter.“Notatall.Ifanything,it’skindofromantic,seeingasheinvitedusoverheretospendtimewithyou.”
“Thatinitselfisconfusing.”
“Howso?”
“Iaskedhimawhilebackandhetoldmehedidn’twantto.”
HerlipsformanO.“Isee.”
“Feelfreetoshareyourthoughts.”
“Thereisn’tmuchtoit.Youwantedsomethingandhemadeithappen.Atleasthe’saquicklearner.IttookRowanmonthstorealizeheactuallycaredaboutmyfeelingsmorethanhisown.”
Ilaugh.“Whoa.Ididn’tsayanythingaboutfeelings.”
Hereyesroll.“Comeon.Youmustknowhehassomekindoffeelingsforyou.”
“Hetoldmehimselfthathedoes.”
“Thenwhat’stheproblem?”
“Me.”Itpainsmetoadmitit,butit’sthetruth.I’mnotsureifIwilleverbeinthepositiontofullytrustsomeone.MaybeI’mtoo
broken.
“Oh.Itallmakessensenow.”
“Whatdoes?”
“It’snormaltobeafraidofsomethingnew.Iwaslikeyou—
scaredandunsureaboutdatingamanagainafterIwasburnedbadly.”
“Youwere?”Iwouldn’tassociateherpositiveenergywithsomeonewhostruggledtotrustanyone.
“Ohyeah.IwentthrougharoughbreakupwithsomeoneIthoughtIwasgoingtomarryoneday.TurnsouthewascheatingonmewithoneoftheDreamlandprincesses.”
“Ouch.”Iwince.
Hersmilefalters.“Atthetime,itfeltlikemyworldwasending.
ButnowIrealizeitwasthebestthingthatcouldhavehappenedtome.”
“BecauseyoufoundRowan?”
Sheshakesherhead.“BecauseIfoundmyself.”
“IfeellikeI’mgoingtoneedalotmorethanamimosaforthiskindofconversation.”
Shelaughs.“ToodeepforaSundaymorning?”
Inod.“Waytoodeep.”
Webreakoutintoafitoflaughter.WemoveontosafertopicsthathavenothingtodowithmyrelationshipwithDeclan.I’mgratefulheplannedtoday’sfamilygathering,solelybecauseIgottospendmoretimewithZahraandhearanotherperson’sopiniononmymarriage.WhileCalmeanswell,heisn’texactlyaguruwhenitcomestorelationships.HencehisresistancetocontactingAlanadespitehimneedingtoforhisinheritance.
Speakofthedevil,hethrowsopenmybedroomdoorwithadramaticflare.“IhatetointerruptthisbondingsessionbuttheraceisabouttostartandDeclan’sgettingantsy.”
“He’sjustannoyedhehastotalktoyoufortwentyminutesstraight.”
“WatchinghimfumblethroughsmalltalkthathasnothingtodowithworkorourinheritancesisfarmoreentertainingthanIthought.”
IlockarmswithZahra.“Let’sgoputDeclanoutofhismisery.”
Calscoffs.“Iknowyou’rebiasedbecauseyou’rehiswife,butthemanhasbeenmiserableeversincethedayhewasborn.”
Zahrawinks.“Ihaveafeelingthat’sabouttochange.”
1?Noun,Dutch:Thewarmfeelingofbeingsurroundedbylovedones.Thestateorfactofbeingcozy.
36
DECLAN
Itonlytakesoneemailtoruinmywholeyear.
“Iris!”
Shecomesrunningintomyofficewithmybrotheronhertail.
“What?”
Idon’tevenbotheraskingwhatheisdoinghere.Knowinghim,ithaseverythingtodowithavoidinghisresponsibilities.
“DidyouseeYakura’slatestemail?”Islammyfingeragainstthemouse,shuttingtheemailbrowserbeforeIhaveastroke.
“No.Whathappened?”
Myentirefacefeelslikeit’sonfire.“Hereceivedacallfrommyfather.”
“Fuck.”Calwipeshisface.
Mythoughtexactly.“Yakura’sthreateningtopulloutoftheproject.”
Shedropsintothechairacrossfromme.“Why?”
“Hedidn’tgointoanyspecificdetails,buthissentenceabouthowourgoalsdon’tseemtoalignwasasgoodofahintasany.”
Itdoesn’ttakeageniustounderstandwhathappened.Withmyfather’spersonalityandhisdesperationtoremainCEO,Ihavenodoubthewentoutofhiswaytomakemyprojectseeminadequate.
Becauseintheend,theKaneCompanybottomlinedoesn’tmatterso
longasheremainsinpower,evenifitmeansruiningadealthatcouldmakeusbillions.
Hewantstomakemelookweakandinexperiencedcomparedtohim,andthisisthebestshothehasatdestroyingwhatevercredibilityIhavewiththeboardthusfar.TheexecutivesknowhowhardIhavebeenworkingonthisproject.Ifitfallsthrough,theblowbackcouldbedetrimentaltomytransition.
“Wecanfixthis.I’llreachouttoYakura.”Irisrollshershouldersandtipsherchinup.Shehasauniqueabilitytocommandthesituationandeasethegrowingtensioninmyshoulders.
“Andsaywhat?‘Sorrymydad’sadick.Hedidn’tmeanit,’”Caloffers.
Herbrowsscrunchtogether.“Ofcoursenot.Whatdoyoutakemefor?Anamateur?”
“Thenhowdoyouplanonwinninghimover?”
Iristurnstowardme.“Weshowhimhowourgoalsalign.”
“Doweevenknowwhatthoseare?”Cal’sheadswingsbackandforthbetweenIrisandme.
Myfaceisasblankasmythoughts.IthoughtYakura’sgoalwastobuildaparkworthyofhisland,butthatdoesn’tseemtobethecase.
“IhaveanideabutIdon’tknowifit’sagoodone…”Iris’svoicetrailsoff.
“Thisdoesn’tsoundpromising.”Calgrimaces.
IshootCalalookthattellshimtokeephismouthshut.“Goahead.”
Sheperksupatmyobviousinterest.“WhenweinitiallyintroducedtheideaofbuildingDreamlandTokyo,Yakura’sfirstquestionhadnothingtodowithprofits.Ifounditstrangethatsomeoneassuccessfulashimwouldn’tcareabouthowmuchmoneyhestandstomake.”
“Whatdidheaskabout?”CalleanstowardIris.
“IfwecouldmakeDreamlandTokyohappenbeforehewastoooldtoenjoyitwithhisgrandkids.”
“Idon’trememberthat,”Ireply,drawingablankonthatpartofthemeeting.
Hereyesroll.“Ofcourseyoudon’t.Youweretoofocusedonpullingupthenextslidediscussingexpectedproceeds.”
“Sohecaresabouthisfamily,”Calsays.
Shenods.
“We’rescrewed.There’snowayDeclancanworkwithsomeonelikethat.”
“Idisagree.Becausewhileyourfathermightbeclever,hemissedonetinydetail.”
“What?”
“Me.”Hersmilerivalsthesun.
FittingbecauseitburnsawaythatlastbitofremainingangerIhavetowardmyfather.Initsplace,Iamfilledwithanewfoundsenseofhope.IcanconvinceYakuratostickwiththeproject,solongasIrishelpsme.Shecanappealtojustaboutanyone’shumanity—
mineincluded.
Calwhistles.“Someonethinksmightyhighlyofherself.”
Iwanttosmackthebackofhisheadbutholdback.I’dhatetowastehislastbraincellswithsomethingimpulsive.
“Iknowmystrongsuits,andpickingupafterDeclan’smesseshappenstobeapersonalstrengthofmine.”
“Sowhat’syourplanthen?”mybrotherasks.
“Easy.WeshowhimexactlywhatDreamlandhastooffer.”Hereyesseemtosparkle.
“Howdowedothat?”Ileanbackinmychairandconsiderheridea.
“Wetakehimtowhereitallstartedandshowhimwhathewouldbemissingoutonifhewalksawayfromthisdeal.”
“AreyousuggestingwetakeafamilytriptoDreamland?”Calasks.
Shenods,andhissmileiswipedcleanoffhisface.Ifeelthesameway.UnlikeRowan,neitheroneofuswantsanythingtodowiththepark.Everymemoryofourlifewithourmotherisattachedtotheplace.TheonlytimesI’vegonehavebeenstrictlyforbusiness,andI’vebeensuretokeepitthatway.
“Howisthissupposedtochangehismind?”Myvoicecomesoutrougherthanintended.
“Yakuraisafamilyman.Weneedtoshowhimhow,unlikeyourfather,soareyou.”
Cal’slaughgratesagainstmynerves.
“What’ssofunny?”Myteethgrindtogether.
“Theideaofyouplayingafamilymanistoogoodtopassup.
Youcancountonmetobethere.”
“Whosaidyouwereinvited?”Shelooksathimlikeabugbeneathhershoe,andIcouldkissherforit.
Hewavesahanddownhisbody.“I’mpartofthepromotionalpackage.”
“Nothappening,”Irespondforher.
HelooksoveratIrisforhelpandsheshrugs.“He’stheboss.”
Forgetkissingher.IcouldfuckherforstandingbymeinsteadofCalonsomethinglikethis.
“Idon’tlikeyoutwoganginguponme.”Herollshiseyes.
Shegiveshishandapat.“It’sinyourbestinterest.Youhatebusinesstalkanyway.”
Hesighs.“You’reright.Stillfuckedupthoughwhenyou’remybestfriend.”
“Andhe’smyhusband.Don’tmakemechoosebetweenyoutwo.”
Myworldseemstotiltasshesaysthewords.Theweightbehindthemnearlyknocksmeonmyass,andIgripontothehandlesofmychairinachokehold.
“Youtwoinloveisdisgusting.”Cal’slipcurls.
Shelaughs.“Noonesaidanythingaboutlove.”
Thewayshelaughshisstatementofffeelslikesomeonepiercedmychestwithaserratedknife.Mychestburnsequallystrongasmygutchurns.
Givehertimetocomearound.
I’veseenthewayshelooksatme.Thereisnowayshedoesn’tloveme,evenifshehasn’tprocessedityet.
“There’sachancehemightnotevensayyes,”Igrumbleunderneathmybreath.I’malmosthopingthat’sthecaseifonlytoavoidvisitingDreamland.
“Afterallthistime,youstilldoubtme?”Irisactuallylookssomewhathurtbytheidea.
“It’snotyouthatI’mworriedabout,”Iamend.It’severythingthatgoingtoDreamlandwillstirupforme.
“Leaveittome.”
Irisdropsastackofpapersonmydesk.“Here.”
“What’sthat?”
“Nextweek’stravelitinerary.Ialreadywentaheadandclearedyourcalendar,thatwaywehaveenoughtimetogetacclimatedtoDreamlandbeforeYakuravisits.”
Holyshit.Shefuckingdidit.
Didyoureallydoubtherinthefirstplace?
No.Ofcoursenot.AlthoughIdoubtedthedamagemyfatherdidandhowIriswouldovercomesuchachallenge.
Igrabthestackofpapersandflipthroughthem.ThefirstpacketincludesinformationaboutourpilotandourDreamlandschedule,fromaparkwalkthroughwithRowanandZahratomeetingswiththedifferentcreativeteamsontheproperty.Sheevensecuredaprivateofficeformetoworkoutof.
IscanthenextpacketwhichincludeseverythingonYakura.
Fromallhispreferencestoanentirefamilytree,thereisn’tasinglestoneIrisleftunturned.“Pleasetellmeyouwentaboutthisplanthelegalway.”
“ThatdependsonifyouconsideritillegaltohijackYakura’stravelplanstotheGrandCanyonandpaysomeonetogroundhisplaneinFlorida.”
Ipinchthebridgeofmynose.“Youdidn’t.”
Shelaughs,anditdoessomethingstrangetomyheartrate.
“OfcourseIdidn’t!AlthoughI’mflatteredyouthinkIcouldpulloffsuchastunt.”
“Iwouldn’tputitpastyoutoaccomplishanythingyouputyourmindto.”
Hersmilewavers.“Don’tgosayingsweetthingstomeatwork.”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseitmakesmewanttodosomethinginappropriate.”
Ileanbackinmychairandthrowherpapersonthedesk.“Likewhat?”
Shewagsherfinger.“Nope.I’moff-limitsduringbusinesshours.”
Bloodworksitswaystraighttomydick.“Wecouldcallinsick.”
Whatthehellareyoudoingbysuggestingbothofyoushouldskipwork?
Shelaughs.“It’sthemiddleofaworkday,andyouhaveameetingwiththeheadofparkdevelopmentintenminutes.”
Icheckthetimeonmycomputer.“Clockistickingthen.”Ipresstheautomaticlockbuttonunderneathmydesk,andtheclickingsoundmakesherbrowsrise.
“Whatareyou—”
Ilatchontoherhandandpullherstraightontomylap.
“You’velostyourgoddamnmind.”
“ThenIhopeIneverfinditagain.”Islammylipsagainsthers,silencinganyprotests.Anelectricfeelingsparksacrossmyskinasshekissesmebackwithenoughintensitytomakemyheadspin.
KissingherfeelslikeIcheatedmywayintoHeaven,andIplanonsoakingupeverysecondofit.
Webreakapartasshestraddlesmylap.Myheaddropsbackagainstthechairasshepressesherselfagainstmycock,swivelingherhipsinawaythatdrivesmewildwithwant.Igripontoherhipswithachokeholdtokeepherpressedagainstme.Shekissesherwaydownthecurveofmyneckbeforesuckingonthespotthatmakesmyhipsbuckforward.
Awetspotgathersinfrontofmypantsfromthewaysherocksbackandforthagainstmystiffcock.I’mmindlessasIpushherupanddown,switchingdirectionsandmakinghermoanasshegrindsintomefromadifferentangle.
Theshrillringtoneofherphonethreatenstokillthemoment.Shepullsaway,butIdon’treleaseherhipsfrommygrasp.
“Ihavetogetthat.”Herhuskyvoicesendsafreshwaveofarousalthroughme.
“Letitgotovoicemail.”Igripherchinandpullhermouthbacktowardmine.
Sheturnsherheadatthelastsecond,givingmehercheek.“Itcouldbeimportant.”
“Notnearlyasmuchasthis.”Ihelpherontoherfeetbeforeturninghertowardmydesk.“Bendoverandputyourhandsonthedesk.”Ipressmypalmintothesmallofherbackandpush.
Shemustsensemyself-controlwaveringbecauseshedoeswhatIsaywithoutaskinganyquestions.Herpalmsflattenagainstthewoodassheleansforward,makingthehemofherdresslifttoanenticingheight.HersharpinhalefillsthesilenceasIrunthetipsofmyfingersupthebackofherthighs.Iliftherdress,revealingtheglobesofherass
“Didyouwearthisforme?”MydickisrockhardunderneathmyslacksasIplaywiththelacystrapofIris’sgreenthong.Ifitwasn’tmyfavoritecolorbefore,itsureashellisnow.
Sheturnsherheadsoshecanproperlyglareatmeoverhershoulder.“Yournarcissismisshowingagain.”
“Howso?”
“Greenismyfavoritecolor.”
“Sincewhen?”
“Sincewaybeforeyouadopteditasyours.”Herlaughfeelslikebeingbaskedinsunlight.
Ishakemyheadandregaincontroloverthesituation.“YouknowwhatIthink?”
“Feelfreetokeepittoyourself.”
IrissucksinabreathasIdragmyfingersupanddownherthighs.
“Ithinkyouhopedsomethinglikethiswouldhappen.”
Hereyesaretwoglitteringorbsofbrown.“Quitetheassumptiononyourpart.”
“Soyoudon’twantthis?”Iteasethedamptriangleofmaterialbeforeretreating,andshestaresatmewithalookofmurderinhereyes.
“Iwouldn’tgothatfar.”
IchuckleasIgrabontothestrapofherthonganddragitdownherlegs.Sheliftseachfootforme,andIbenddowntoretrieveit.
Herbrowarchesasshelooksoveratmepocketingherthong.“Ineverpeggedyouasthesouvenirtype.”
“WhywouldIneedasouvenirwhenIcanhaveyouanytimeIwant?”Inudgeherlegsapartoneatatime.ShebitesdownonherliptostiflehermoanasIdragmyindexfingeracrossherslit,collectingherarousal.Myheartpoundsinmyears,growinglouderwitheachsecondthatpasses.Isinkafingerintoheronlytowithdrawitasecondlater,makingherhiss.
Shepushesherassout.“Please.”
“Pleasewhat?”Istepoutofherreach,andshegrindsagainsttheair.
“Makemecome.”
HerdeathstareturnsintooneoflustasIthrusttwofingersinsideofher.Mycockachestoreplacethem,andmymovementsgrowdesperatetomatch.Herteethdigintoherbottomlip,quietinghermoans.Ipressmythumbagainstherclitandrubitinslowcircles.MyfingersbrushagainstherG-spot,andherkneesbuckleassheclutchesontothedeskforstability.Sheunravels,herlegsdroppingoutfromunderneathherasshecomes.
SheiscompletelydazedasIundomybeltbuckleandpulldownmypants.I’mquickwithputtingonthecondom,ignoringthewaymychesttightensattheideaofdisregardingmydutyforher.
It’sonlyamatteroftimebeforeshecomesaroundtotheidea.Givehertime.
Ipushmyerectionagainstheropening.Sheboltsupright,butIpushherflatagainstthedesk.
Ileanforwardandpressmychestagainstherback.“Icouldcomeatthesightofyou,assup,facedown,andwetforme.”
“Thatwouldbequitedisappointing,tosaytheleast.”
ShereleasesasharpbreathasIpushherhairaside,revealingherneck.Ikissthespotthatseemstodriveherwild.Shebucksunderme,pushingthetipofmycockintoher.Ibitedownontheinsideofmycheektostopmygroan,althoughmyeyesrollbackintomy
head.NeverhaveIfeltthiskindofconnectiontosomeoneelse.Overtheyears,Iforgotwhatitfeltliketodesiresomeone.Tobedrivenbytheneedtopossessthemineverysingleway.
IhaveameetinginfiveminutesandI’mtoobusyfuckinghertoprepareforit.Infact,itturnsmeontoconsiderthemwaitingoutside,listeningtohowgoodImakeIrisfeel.
Irisdoesn’tseempleasedwithmylackofactionassheusestheedgeofthedesktopushbackward,andIsinkfartherintoher.
Igripontoherhips.“You’renotinchargehere.”
“Oh,honey.I’vealwaysbeenincharge.Youjustweretoocaughtupinyourselftorealizewhowasrunningthingsaroundhere.”Herwidegrinstealsmyabilitytobreathe.
Iramintoher,andhergaspofairmakesmesmile.
“Youweresaying?”
Shelaughs
ItstirsthewildsideofmethatIkeepunderlockandkey.Iwithdraw,onlytothrustbackintoherwithpunishingstrength.Herdilatedeyesstillreflectamusement,anditdrivesmeferalthatshedoesn’tseemtheleastbitfazedbythisconnection.Desperationclawsagainstmychesttoshowherwhoholdsthepowerbetweenus.
Itakeoutmyfrustrationonherbody.MyhandsgripontoherwaistasIramintoheroverandoveragain.Herbreathingbecomesmoreragged,andhergripontheedgeofthedeskslipsalongwithhercontrol.
You’renotinchargehere,myass.
AknockagainstthedoormakesIris’seyeswiden.
“Mr.Kane?IwantedtoletyouknowI’mhereforourmeetingatthree.”
Ileanforwardandpressthepadofmythumbagainstherclit.
“Talk.”
“Hi,Mr.Davis.We’llbereadyinafewminutes.”Hercheeryvoicedoesn’tmatchthearousalinhereyes.
Sheattemptstoshiftawayfromme,butIholdherinplace.
“Whatareyoudoing?”shewhispers.
“You’renotdismissedyet.”
“Asshole.”
Iwithdrawmycockandtracetheseamofherasswiththetip.
“Doesthatmeanyoursisonthetable?”
“Iwillmurderyouwithadullpencilifyoutry.”
Ishrug.“Pity.Maybenexttime.”
IsmileasIslambackintoherwithoutwarning.Hergaspfillsmewithpridewhilethetremblingofherlegsmakesmecrazed.FuckingIrisisquicklybecomingmyfavoritepastime,whereeachroundfeelslikeabattleofwhowillsurrenderfirst.
AtingleshootsdownmyspineasIfightofftheurgetocome.Iworkhardforeachgaspandmoanthatmakesitpastherlips,andIfeelvictoriousasshecomesaroundmycock.Herlegsgiveout,andIholdherupasIthrustintoheroverandoveragainuntilIfindmyownrelease.
Thereliefisall-consuming,fillingmyvisionwithblackspotsasIcome.SheclawsatthedeskasIramintoheronelasttime.Myownlegsthreatentogiveout,butIrefusetowithdrawyet.Idon’twanttokilltheconnection,regardlessofwhoiswaitingontheothersideofthedoor.
Ileanoverandkissherneck.“Rememberthiswhenyouthinkyou’reincontrolhere.”
It’sabullshitstatementonmypart.Ilostcontrolweeksago,andnowI’mnothingbutaslavetothesensationsshestirsupinsideofme.
“I’llneverlookatthisdeskthesamewayagain.”Shesighs.
“Saysthewomanwhodoesn’thavetoworknexttoasetofclawmarksfromnowon.”
Sheswipesthewoodchipsawaylikethatchangesanything.“Atleastit’llstirupsomegoodmemoriesforyou.”
“Thatorahard-on.”
“Whynotboth?”Shelaughs,andIsmileagainstherskin,lovingthewayIelicitthatkindofreactionfromher.
Fucked.You’reabsolutelyfucked.
37
IRIS
WefinallymadeittoDreamland.Thesmelloffresh-bakedcookiesmakesmymouthwater.Ourthree-rowgolfcartfliesacrossthebrickpavers,easilynavigatingtheemptystreets.Wepassbysmilingemployees,deckedoutprincessesandprinces,andshopspreppingforanotherbusydayinthepark.
Myexcitementonlygrowsaswenearthemassiveprincesscastleinthemiddleofitall.
Declanplacesapalmonmybouncingthigh.“Areyouokay?”
Igrin.“Justexcited.”
Hisforeheadwrinklesashefrowns.
“Whenwasthelasttimeyouvisitedthepark?”Zahraturnsherbodysoshecanlookbackatus.
Mysmilefalls.“We’vetraveledhereonceforbusiness.”
“You’vebeentoDreamlandonetime,anditwasforbusiness?”
Herfaceisoneofabsolutehorror.
Declan’shandonmythightightensinasilentlookatmegesture,butIdon’t.Idon’twanttoseethepityonhisface.
Iconsiderlyingbutthinkbetterofit.“Mymomdidn’thaveenoughmoneytogetustickets.Withflights,hotel,andadmissionfees,youcouldbuyamonth’sworthofgroceriesforthesamepriceasatriphere.”
“Whatdoesyourmomdo?”
“She’sanartteacher.”
ZahragraspsontoRowan’sarm.“Weneedtoofferteacherdiscounts.Andchildrenofteacherdiscounts.AnddiscountsforadultswhohaveneverbeentoDreamlandasachild.”
Heshootsheralook.“Atthatrate,wewon’tmakeanymoney.”
“TherearegrownadultsouttherewhohaveneverbeentoDreamland,Rowan.Nowisnotthetimetobestingy.”
HelooksoveratDeclanforhelp,butDeclanissolelylookingatme.
“Ididn’trealizeyouhadneverbeenherebefore.”
Ishrug.“Youneverasked.”
Thehandonmythighsqueezesharder.IshiftmygazetowardDeclan,andthelookonhisfacesendsashiverdownmyback.
“Wouldyouliketocheckoutthepark?”
“Forwork?”
“No.Forfun.”
Theideamakesmelaugh.“Youhatethisplace.”
“I’mwillingtopretendthatIdon’tforaday.”
“WhataboutpreppingforourwalkthroughwithYakura?”
“Theparkwillstillbeheretomorrow.Wecantalkbusinessthen.”
Heatspreadsthroughmychest.Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandgivehimasqueeze.“I’dlovethat.”
Declanspeaksuptotherestofthegroup.“Planshavechanged.”
Zahrasquealswithdelight,andlikethat,ourdayiscompletelyalteredbecauseDeclandeclareditso.
Allforme.
Zahraisthebesttourguideever.TurnsoutshehasbeenapartofDreamlandsinceshewasachild,sosheknowseverythingabouttheplace.WithherknowledgeandRowan’sabilitytohelpusskipanylines,thereisnothingstoppingusfromexploringthewholeparkinaday.Well,nothingbutme.Itrymyhardesttokeepfocused,butI
amdistractedeveryfewfeetbythedifferentflowerandplantdisplays.Thearrayofcolorscapturesmyattention,andIcan’thelpstoppingeachtimetocheckouttheperfectlydesignedtopiariesofdifferentDreamlandcharacters.
Declanloomsovermelikeashadow,assessingmyeverymove.
Iturntowardhimwithheatedcheeks.“What?”
“Ishouldhaveknownyouwouldcaremoreabouttheplantsthantherides.”
“Becauselookatthis!It’sart!”IthrowanarmupatthesculptureofIggytheAlien,BradyKane’siconicfirstcharacter.Theentirethingismadeupoftrimmedgreenleavesandaballofwire.
“Art?”Hisvoicehasahintofamusementdespitehisblankface.
Zahrabouncesovertous.“Youknow,ifyou’reinterested,wecouldtakeyoutocheckoutthehorticulturedepartment.”
Myeyeswiden.“Really?”
Shesmiles.“Sure.Itwouldbenobigdeal.”
“OhmyGod.I’dlovethat!”
“Withthewayyoukeeptakingphotosandgawkingattheirplants,they’llprobablyfeellikerockstars.”
“That’sbecausetheyarerockstars.”
Shepullsoutherphoneandtapsawayatthescreen.“Doyouhaveanyfreetimetomorrow?Theheadofthedepartmentisgoingtobethereandwouldbehappytoshowyouaround.Theymightbealittlebusierthanusualbecausethey’repreppingfortheFlowerFestival,butthey’dlovetoshowyouthebehind-the-scenesaction.”
Igasp.“Theheadofthedepartmentwantstoshowmearound?”
Herchestshakesfromwithheldlaughter.“Yes.Saidsohimself.”
SheflipsherphonesoIcanseethetextchainwithmyowneyes.
Declanclearshisthroat.
ShitThisisn’tapersonalvacation,remember?Todayisalreadyenoughofadeviationfromtheprotocol.ThelastthingDeclanneedsismebecomingdistractedbythingsthataren’timportantrightnow
IcancomebackandvisitDreamlandwhenever,butweonlyhaveoneshottoconvinceYakuratoworkwithus.Plantscanwait.
Ishakemyhead.“Uhm.Actually,tomorrowdoesn’tworkforme.TellhimI’msorryandmaybenexttimeIcanmakeroominmy
scheduleforavisit.”
Hersmilefalls.“Oh.Noworries.”
Declantugsonmyelbow.“Whyareyousayingno?”
“Becausewehaveourwalkthroughtopreparefor.Yakurawillbehereinacoupleofdaysandweneedtobereadyforanythinghemightthrowatus.”
“It’snotgoingtobeanythingdifferentfromwhatyou’veseentoday.”
Ifrown.“Butwe’reateam.”
“I’msureIcansurviveafewhourswithoutyouwhileyougocheckoutsomeplants.”
“Please.Duringwork,youcan’tgothirtyminuteswithoutfindingsomereasontostopbymydesk.”
“Ilikegivingyouverbalinstructions.”
“Why?”
“DoIneedabetterreasonthanIlikewatchingthewayyoureyeslightupwithdefiance?”
“You’resuchaliar.”
Hisrighteyetwitches.“Ididsomeresearchonhowpeoplewithlearningdifferenceslikeyoursdobestwithverbalandwritteninstruction.”
Mykneestremble.“Anythingelseyoulearned?”
Hisarmwrapsaroundmywaist,whichisprobablybestseeingasmylegsareabouttwoconfessionsawayfromgivingout.
“Voicenotesorphonecallsworkbest.”
Ilaughdespitethetightballofemotionforminginmythroat.
“HereIwasthinkingyoujusthatedtexting.”
Hislipslifttheslightestbitatthecorners.“Idohatetexting.
Don’ttrickyourselfintothinkingithadanythingtodowithyou.”
“Shutup.”IlaughasIgivehischestashove.
Hisarmsdon’tbudge,althoughhislipscurveupintoasmile.
“Zahra,youcangoaheadandscheduletomorrow’sactivities.Itmightbehardforher,butIriscansurviveadaywithoutme.”
Istickoutmytongue.“Please.Idon’tthinkyou’vespentawholeworkdaywithoutmeforthreeyears.”
Hisvoicedropsashisdarkeyescapturemineinatrance.“AndIdon’tplanondoingsoanytimesoon.”
IsnuggleagainstDeclan’schestashethrowsthecomforteroverourentwinedbodies.I’mgratefulhetakesinitiativebecausemymusclesareachingaftergoingaroundtheentireparktwice
Itracemindlesspatternsonhischest.“Thankyoufortoday.”
“Youdon’tneedtothankmeeverytimeIdosomethingnice.”
“Ireadsomewherethatreinforcinggoodbehaviorincreasesthelikelihoodofithappeningagain.”
“Therearebetterwaystoreinforcegoodbehavior.”Hisraspyvoiceturnsmyinsidesintobubblinglava.
“Astemptingassexsoundsrightnow,Idon’tthinkIcanmoveasinglemuscle.”
“I’lldoallthework.”
“Whoknewyouweresoproactive?”
“Theysaypracticemakesperfect,soI’mtryingtofitinallthelessonsIcanget.”
Ilaughsohard,I’mafraidImightpeeifIdon’tstop.“Youdon’tneedanymorepractice.Trustme.”ForsomeonewhohasavoidedwomenforGodknowshowlong,Declansureknowswhathe’sdoinginthebedroom.Oroffice.Orshower.Prettymuchanywherethathasasurfacetofuckagainstisnolongersafe.
“Myegothanksyou,butI’mtalkingaboutpracticingforababy,notsex.”
Myeyeswiden.Wehaven’ttalkedaboutcondomseversinceourconversationacoupleofweeksagowhenDeclanwalkedoutonmeinthemiddleofourargument.Neitheroneofushasdaredtobroachthesubject,sowehaven’tstoppedusingthem.
“Areyousuggesting…”Myvoicetrailsoff.Ican’tevengetthewordsout.
“I’mreadywheneveryouaretogetstartedonyourlittlesoccerteam.”
“Whosaidanythingaboutasoccerteam?”
“Youdid.”
“What?When?”
“IfI’mnotmistaken,Ibelieveyousaidyouwantedawholeminivanofkids.”
I’mnotsureI’mevenbreathingasIspeakup.“Butweonlyagreedtoonechild.”
“Planschange.”
“Youdidn’tevenwantonechild.Howdoyouexpectmetobelieveyouwantawholesoccerteamnow?”
“Idobecauseitwouldmakeyouhappy.”
“That’snotwhypeopleshouldhavechildren.They’realifelongcommitment—”
Hepresseshislipsagainstminetoshutmeup.“Exactly.”
“But—”
Hekissesmeagain,andmybodymeltsintothemattress.
“Wecouldhaveonekidorfive,solongasyouonlyhavethemwithme.I’llgiveyoutheminivanlife,solelyifyouwantit.”
“WhatifI’mnotready?WhatifthisisalltoomuchallatonceandIcan’thandleanewrelationshipandanewbaby?”
Histhroatbobs.“Thenwewait.”
“EvenifitmeansholdingoffonyoubecomingCEO?”
“Eventhen.”
I’mhitwithawaveofemotionsostrong,myeyesglisten.Asingletearslipsdownmyfacebeforelandingonthepillowbeneathme.NeverinamillionyearsdidIexpecttohearthosewordscomeoutofhismouth.
Hekissesmeuntilmylipstingleandmylegstremblearoundhiswaist.Ourclotheslandinapileonthefloornext.Whenhereachesforacondomonthedresser,Icoverhishandwithmineandshakemyhead.
“Areyousure?”Helooksdownatmewithapinchedexpression.
Inod,afraidtospeak.Hegroansashekissesme,thistimewithenoughheattosetmylipsonfire.Hismovementsareunhurriedashetouchesmybodylikeit’stheveryfirsttime.
Ifeelcherishedashislipskissapathfrommymouthtomychest.Hedrawsmynippleintohismouth,teasingthetipwithhistongue.Ijoltfromthezingthatshootsdownmyspine.Histhroatvibratesagainstmyskinashelaughs,buthisamusementdisappearsashismouthreturnstotorturingmybreast.Hemovesontotheother,focusingallhisattentiononpushingmetoinsanity.
Irubagainsthim,tryingtoseekrelief.Pressurebuildsinsideofmefromjusthimsucking,licking,andnippingatmybreasts,butI’mnotabletofindmyrelease.
Igroanfromfrustrationandpullonhishair.
“Someone’simpatient.”
“Someone’sabouttofinishthisthemselvesifyoudon’tkeepmoving.”
Hislaughfillsmewithadifferentkindofwarmththantheonebubblinginmylowerbelly.Hecrawlsdownthebed,makingamessofoursheetsashespreadsmylegswide.Ourgazesstaylockedashesinkshistongueinsideofme.Mybackarches,buthishandholdsmeflatagainstthebedashefucksmewithhistongue.
Willitalwaysfeelthisgood?
Hischucklesendsanothervibrationupmybody,andIrealizeImusthavesaiditaloud.
“Onlywithyou.”Hisfingersteaseme,workinginunisonwithhistongueashedrawsmypleasurefrommewitheachthrust.Histhumbrubsagainstmyclit,andIgroanasmyorgasmhitsme.
Declandoesn’tstopuntilIlayhelplesslyonthebed,splayedoutandwaitingforhim.
“You’rebeautiful.”Hecrawlsovermeandcupsmyface.Hishandsshovemylegsapartevenwider,givinghimroomtosettlebetweenthem.
“Icouldspendtherestofforeverwithyouanditstillwouldn’tbeenoughtimetofinisheverythingIhaveplannedforus.”
“That’salotofplans.”
“Let’sstartwiththisonefirst.”
Ishiverashelineshiscockupatmyentrance.Hedragsthetipbackandforth,collectingmyarousalwitheachswipe.Hisshudderybreathfillsmewithpride.
Iwrapmylegsaroundhim,encouraginghimtocontinue.
“Areyousureaboutthis?”Hisvoiceishesitant.
“Onlyifyouare.”
“Idon’tdeserveyou.Neverhaveandneverwill,solongasIlive.”
“Youareworthyofgoodthings.”
Oureyesdon’tleaveoneanotherashiscockfillsmeinchbyinch.
Webothshakeasheseatshimselfinsideofme,andhiseyesscrewshutashetakesadeepbreath.
“Fuck,”hespeaksbetweengrittedteeth.
Fuckisright.I’mafraidhemightnotmoveagain,butheseemstogetbettercontroloverhimselfandstartstopumpinandout.
Witheachsnapofhiships,Iclimbhigher.Hismovementsarecrazed.Uncontrolled.PrimalinawayI’veneverexperiencedbefore.
Myheadspinsfromallthesensationshappeningatonce.Afeelingofweightlessnesstakesoverme,anditfeelslikeIamhavinganout-of-bodyexperience.
Declanseemstoberighttherewithme.Hiseyesarepitchblackashedrivesintomybodylikeheownsit,leavingbruiseswherehishandsholdmeintherightpositionforhispleasure.Itmakesmefeelusedinthebestkindofway.
Heanglesmejustrightsohiscockslidesagainstthespotthathasmegaspingforair.Histhumbfindsmyclitagain,anditonlytakesafewslowcirclestohavemeexplodefromecstasy.
HefucksmethroughmyorgasmuntilI’mwrithingunderneathhimagain.Whenhefinallyreacheshisclimax,hereleasesagroanIfeelstraighttomyclit.Hishipsdon’tstopmovingashecomesinsideofme.Hedropsdownonhiselbows,carefulnottocrushmeashekissesmeoncebeforelayinghisforeheadagainstmine.
Neitheroneofuswantstomoveandbreakthemoment.Sowestaythereuntilheisforcedtopullout,andpartofhisreleasespillsout.
“Shit.”Heseemsstarstruckasheswipessomeofhiscumandusesitasalubricantagainstmyclit.
Isighasatingleshootsallthewaydowntomytoes.
“ThathastobethesexiestsoundI’veeverheard.”Hishuskyvoicedoessomethingpowerfultomylibido.
Ithoughthewouldbedonewithmealready,buthekeepstouchingmeuntilI’mdesperatelyreachingforhimagain.
Thesecondtimeheentersme,hismovementsareslow,sweet.
Loving.Heapologizesforhisearlierbrutalitywithsoftkissesandareverenttouch.I’veneverfeltsolovedinmylife,andithaseverythingtodowiththewayhelooksatmeashefucksmethistimearound.
Hekissesmyneck,shoulders,breasts,forehead.Notevenmysoulisleftuntouchedashewhispersforeignwordsinmyear.Ihavenoideawhattheymean,butthewayhesaysthemsendsgoosebumpsacrossmyskin.
“Daisuki1”Hisdeepthrustmakesmegasp.
“Szeretlek2.”Hepresseshislipsagainstmyforehead.Mypulsefluttersatthegesture,sendingarushofpleasureallthewaytomytoes.
“Ichliebedich3.”
Ourgazesconnect.ThewayIshiverhasnothingtodowithhistouchandeverythingtodowiththewayhelooksatme
Imightnotbeabletoreciteforeignwordslikehim,butIunderstandtoneandbodylanguage,andwhateverhesaysmakesmyheartfeelsofull,itmightburst.
You’refallingforhim.
Forthefirsttimeever,I’mnotafraidoflove.Ifthisiswhatitfeelslike,I’mwillingtotry,consequencesbedamned.
1?Japanese:Iloveyou.
2?Hungarian:Iloveyou
3?German:Iloveyou.
38
DECLAN
Ofcourse,theonedaythatIristakesoffisthedayeverythingturnstoshit
“Wehaveaproblem,”RowansaysthemomentIpickupmyringingphone.
“What’swrong?”Ireadjustmytieinthemirror.
“Yakurajustshowedupatmyoffice.”
“Fuck.”Igrabmywalletoffthedresserandstuffmyfeetintomyshoes.
“Itgetsbetter.Guesswhocamewithhim?”
“No.”
“Fatheriswaitinginthelobbywithhim.Getoverhere.Now.”
Idon’thaveachancetopanicasIrushoutthedoorofmyhotelroom.I’mquicktopullupIris’snumberandcallher.
Itgoestovoicemail,soIdialagain.Shepicksuponthefourthringwhichisunlikeher.
“Hey!”Shelaughsatsomeonetalkinginthebackground.“Givemeasecond.”
Someoneboos,anditsoundsanawfullotlikeZahra.I’mhitwithatwingeofguilt.AmIreallygoingtodragherawayfromZahrasoshecancomehelpmepickupaftermyfather’smess?It’snotherfaulthekeepsscrewingaroundwithourplans.Andtobehonest,I
don’twantheranywherenearhim.NotbecauseIdon’tthinkshecouldcontrolherself,butmoresobecauseIdon’twanthimtousehertogettome.Hehasalreadyhurtherenough.
“Missmealready?”
Iopenmymouthtotellheraboutwhatishappening,butIstopmyselfIthinkbacktoourhoneymoonandherreactiontobeingforcedintoworkingonherdayoff.
I’vespentthreeyearsofmylifemakingsureyou’retakencareof,evenifitmeantsacrificingmyhappinesstodoso.
No,Ican’tmakeherleavenow.Shehasalreadysacrificedenoughforme,andit’snotherfaultmyfatherwon’tstophisattackagainstme.
Itakeadeepbreathandacceptmychoice.“Iwascallingtocheckinonyou.Howisit?”Ipresstheelevatorbuttonandwait.
“It’sliketheChicagoBotanicGardenonsteroids.Theyhavefifteengreenhouses.Ialreadygotlosttwice!”
Shesoundssodamnexcited,anditsolidifiesmyplan.Ican’tripherawayfromherday.NotwhentheonlyoptionIhaveistothrowherintoafamilyfeudshedoesn’tdeserve.It’sthelastthingIwantforher.MyfatherhasnolimitswhenitcomestoIris,andIrefusetosubjecthertothatkindofabuseaftereverythingshehasbeenthroughinherlife.
“Soundslikeweneedtoinvestinthatanklemonitor.”
“Iwishyoucouldbehere.”Thewistfulnessinhervoicemakesmefeelevenshittierabouttoday.
“Idotoo.”IfIdidn’thaveamountainofresponsibilities,Icouldtakethedayoffandspenditwithher.Anormalmanwould.
Exceptyou’renotanormalman.
It’sbettertogetusedtothiskindoffeelingnowbecauseit’sonlygoingtogetworseonceIbecomeCEO.
ZahracallsoutIris’sname.
“Zahraisaskingifwearestillonlaterfordinnerwithyourbrother?”
“Onlybecauseyoumanipulatedmewithsextogetit.”
“Youweren’tcomplaininglastnight.”
“I’msavingitallforlater.”
Shelaughs.“Begoodtoyourbrothertoday.”
“I’mmakingnopromises.”
“Declan…”
“Fine.Butonlybecauseyoutoldmeto.”
Theelevatordingsandthetwodoorsslideopeninfrontofme.
“Shit.Igottago.”
“Metoo.We’revisitingtheFlowerFestivalfloatsnext.I’llsendyoupictures!”
Herexcitementiscontagious,andIsmiletomyselfknowingmydecisionistherightone.ThereisnowayinhellI’mstealingherawayfromthatopportunity.Imightnotbeanormalhusband,butthatdoesn’tmakemeastupidone.AtleastIhopenot.
“Havefun,”Isaybeforethecallcutsout.
Itfeelsgoodknowingatleastoneofuswillhaveagooddaytoday.Evenifthatsomeoneisn’tme.
Mr.YakurashowingupacoupledaysearlierisaproblemIcanhandle.
Myfatherdecidingtocomealongsohecanmakeamendsisawholedifferentissue.OneI’mwaryoffromtheget-go.WhileImightnotknoweverypartofhisplan,I’msmartenoughtoputthepiecestogether.Itdoesn’trequiremucheffortgiventhewayIwalkinonmyfatherspeakingtoYakuraaboutmovingupthetimeline.
Thebastardwantstostealmydeal.
Rowanshootsmealookthatsays,youneedtofixthis.
“Mr.Yakura.”
Theoldermanlooksoveratmewithasmile.Hiswhitehairisperfectlystyled,andhisusualsuitisreplacedwithabrightHawaiianshirtandkhakis.
“Declan.JustthemanIwashopingtosee.”
Iholdoutmyhandandheshakesit.“Whatasurprise.”
Hegrins.“IwasjusttellingyourfatherherehowIwastooexcitedtowaitanylonger.”
“Whereisyourwife?”
Hewavesmeoff.“Ididn’twanttoboreherwiththelittledetails,sosheandIwillbeexploringtheparktogethertomorrow.She’sthewholereasonIagreedtothismeetinginthefirstplace.It’snotlikeshewouldeverletmeturndownatriptoDreamland.”
I’llhavetohaveIrissendheraspecialgiftofsomekindtoexpressmythanks.
“WecangetyouVIPpasses,”myfatherspeaksout.
Ishootdaggersathim,andheignoresitwithasmile.
Yakuraraisesabrowatmyfather.It’sthesmallestgesture,butitfillsmewithnewfoundconfidence.
They’restillnotongoodterms.Nomatterwhatkindoftimelinemyfatherwants,Yakuraisn’tbiting.
Itlookslikemydealisn’tlostyet.
Ireleaseagenuinesmile.“So,arewereadytogetgoing?”
Yakurawaveshishandtowardthefrontdoor.“Afteryou.”
RowanandIsharealookthattellshimtokeepmyfatheroccupiedbyanymeansnecessary.Henods,andIrollmyshouldersback.
AtleastIhaveonepersononmyteamtodaybecauseIalreadyknowI’mgoingtoneedhim.
Myfatherdoesn’tletmegetawaywithbeingtheleaderforlong.
AfterIshowYakuraStoryStreetandtheentrancetoPrincessCara’scastle,myfatherstepsinwithsomethingIwasn’tevenawareof.
“I’dlovetoshowyouahiddenpartofthecastleifyouareupforsomesteps.”
Rowanlooksoveratmeandshakeshishead.
Shit.
“I’msureitcanwaituntilafterwecirclearoundthepark.”
Myfather’ssmilebrightens.“Mightaswellknockitoutofthewaywhilewearehere.”
Yakuraseemswaryofmyfatherbutnods
Rowanpinchesthebridgeofhisnose.
Fuck
Myfathernavigatesthegrouptowardahiddenentranceofthecastle.HemotionsforRowantousehiskeycardtoopenthedoor,andmybrothercomplieswhileshootingmeanapologeticlook.
MyfatherandYakurawalkupthestepsfirst,soIhangbackwithRowanasheshutsthedoor.Idon’twanttoleavemyfatheralonewithYakuralongerthannecessary,butIneedtobefullyinformedbeforeIcanplanmyattack.
“Whatishedoing?”IwhisperasmyfatherandYakuradisappeararoundthefirstcornerofthestairs.
“Showinghimthehiddentower.”
“Whathiddentower?”
Rowan’seyesdarttowardtheemptysteps.“TheoneGrandpahadbuiltforGrandmabeforeshepassed.Sinceshenevergottoseeit,henevershowedittoanyoneelse.”
Yakuraisasuckerforsadstories.Allmyfatherneedstodoiscapitalizeonthestoryofhowhismotherneverhadachancetoseetheparkbecomewhatitis.Yakurawilleatitallupgivenhispassionfordevelopingaparkhecanenjoywithhisfamilywhileheisstillalive.
You’refucked.“Andyouneverthoughttomentionthisstoryduringthecountlessconversationswehadaboutthisplace?”
“Ididn’tthinkitmattered.”
“Obviouslyyouwerewrong,whichseemstobeatrendlately,”Isnap.
ItoldmyselfIwouldn’tbringuphisdecisiontomovetoDreamlandanymore,butIcan’thelpit.Angermakesmestupidandvile.
Anastypersonalitytraityoupickedupfromtheonemanyoucan’tstand.
Rowanfrowns.“Don’tlashoutatmebecauseyou’repissed.”
“Pisseddoesn’tbegintocoverhowIfeelrightnow.Youhadonejobtodo.Tothinkyougaveupeverythingforthispositionandyoucan’tevendoitright.Whatafuckingdisgrace.”
It’sashittyshotathimandhischoicetostayhere.I’mnotproudoflettingmyangergetthebestofme,butIcan’tfinditinmetostop.NotwhenImightloseouttomyfatherofallpeople.
“Fuckyouandfuckyourwalkthrough.”Mybrotherslamshiskeycardagainstmychestbeforeleavingoutthedoorwecamethrough.“Findyourownwayaroundthepark,asshole.”
ItellmyselfthatitisfineandhowIdon’tneedhim.ThatifIcan’tsecureadealwithYakurabymyself,thenIdon’tdeservethepositionofCEOtobeginwith.Thosethoughtsaretheonesthatpushmetotaketwostepsatatime.
It’stimeIprovetomyselfthatIhavewhatittakestousurpmyfather.Itmightnotbeanevenplayingfield,butthatwillonlymakemyvictoryallthebetter.
Iletmyfatherhavehismoment.JustlikeIanticipated,YakuraismovedbythestoryofmygrandmotherandheruntimelypassingbeforeDreamlandeveropeneditsgates.Myvictoryisslippingpastmyfingerswitheachofmyfather’stugsonYakura’sheartstrings.
Heisgoodattellingpeoplewhattheywanttohear.WhileIpickedupontheskillafterwatchinghimpullthesametrickoneverypersoninhispath,hismasteryoverpeople’semotionsisunmatched.
Myfathergloatsaswemakeourwayoutofthecastle.I’mgratefulhewaitstorubitinmyfaceuntilYakuraexcuseshimselftousetherestroom.
“Youthoughtyoucouldplanthisimpromptutripwithoutmefindingout?”
“It’snotyourdeal.”
“I’mtheCEO.Everythingaboutthecompanyismine.”
Ikeepmyballed-upfistshiddenawayinmypockets.“Exceptthisonewon’tstartuntilI’mCEO.”
“NotifIcanhelpit.”Hissmileisgenuine,whichisallthemoreinfuriating.Hethrivesoffmyshortcomings.
“Youdidn’tevenwantthisdeal.”
“Ididn’tuntilyouthoughtyoucouldblackmailmeandgetawaywithit.I’llthoroughlyenjoyrippingthisprojectawayfromyourfingertips,onlytoshowyouwhatapatheticexcuseforaCEOyouwouldmake.”
IwasafoolforthinkingIcouldmakeitthroughthisprocesswithoutIris.ThereisnowayIcanmanagemyfather’smanipulativestrategiesandYakura’sneedsatthesametime.
I’mquicktopulloutmyphone,butIhesitateoverthecallbutton.
Areyoureallygoingtoruinherdayyetagain?
Idon’thavemuchofachoice.Withouther,Imightlosethedeal.
Butifyoustealherawayagain,youmightenduplosingalltheprogressyou’vemade.
Screwit.IfthereisonepersonIcancountontofixthis,it’sher.
“Callingyourwifeforhelp?”
IcompletelyignorehimasIholdmyringingphoneuptomyear.
Hechucklestohimself.“You’reapatheticexcuseofamanifyouneedyourwifetohelpsavetheday.”
Hetriestogoadme,butIrefusetogoforit.I’mnolessofamanbecauseIadmitIneedIris’shelp.SheistheonewhounderstandsYakurabest,andI’dbefoolishtothinkotherwise.Evenifitmeansstealingherawayagain.
Sheanswersonthesecondring.“Hey.Iwasjustthinkingofyouwhilecheckingouta—”
“Ineedyou.”
“What’swrong?”
Iinstantlyfeelguiltyfortheworryinhervoice.“Yakuraandmyfatherstoppedbyaheadofschedule.”
“Oh.”Somehowonewordcarriesmoredisappointmentthananentirespeech.
Iconsidertellinghertoforgetaboutit,butshedoesn’tletmegetasentenceout.
“SendmeyourlocationandI’llfindyou.”
39
IRIS
MyshouldersdropasIendthecall.Ican’tignoretheguiltthathitsmestraightinthechest,knowingZahraplannedthiswholedayonlyforittoberuinedbecauseofwork.
AnotherplanhascomeandgonebecauseofworkingforDeclan.
Iknowit’snotDeclan’sfaulthisfatherpulledastuntlikethis,soitmakesmeupsettoevenfeelthatwayinthefirstplace.
Ican’terasethegrowingpressureinmychestatthethoughtofcancellinganotherplan.IlikeZahra.CancellingonherfeelslikearepeatofhowIlostcountlessfriends—allwhileworkingforDeclan.
It’snothisfaultyoudon’tsetboundaries.Calwarnedyouthatsomethinglikethiswasboundtohappen,butyoustayedanyway.
IfIwasworkingforanyoneelseandtheycalledmeonadayoff,Iwouldsayscrewit.WithDeclan,Idon’thaveachoice.
Ireleaseaheavybreath.MyfeetdragacrossthepavementasIreenterthegreenhouse.
Zahrawavesmeover.“Checkthisout.They’vebeenwaitingsixyearsforthisonetobloom.Six!”
IlookattheTitanArumwithafrown.“I’mgoingtoneedtotakearaincheckontoday’splans.I’msosorry,butsomethingcameup.”
Zahra’ssmiledrops.“Ohno,areyoufeelingokay?”
Ishakemyhead.“Ifeel…Frankly,Idon’tknowhowIfeel.”
I’mdisappointedabouttoday.ItfeelslikeI’mfallingintothesamepatternasalways.
“CanIhelp?”
“YoucanbytellingmehowIcangetbacktoDreamland.SethshowedupandIneedtogohelpDeclanbeforesomethinghappens.”
“Sethishere?”Hergazedarkens.
“AndMr.Yakura.”
“Together?”
“Ihavenoideahowthathappened,butIdon’tdoubtSethwasbehindit.”
“Well,wecan’tjustlethimtakeover,canwe?”Sheblazesatrailstraightoutofthegreenhouse.
Zahracallssomeone’snameandasksforapairofkeys.Arandomworkerthrowsthemather,andshestartsasmallgolfcartthatstillhasafewplantsintheback.
“You’redrivingme?”
“Youneedtogettotheparksomehow,don’tyou?Ihopeyoudidn’tthinkI’dletyouwalkallthewaythere.”
“Thankyou.”IslideintothebenchseatandZahrapressesafootonthepedal.
“That’swhatfriendsarefor.”
“Aren’tyouupsetIhavetocancel?”
Sheshrugs.“Wecancomebackanothertime.”
“I’msosorryagain.”
“Noneedtoapologize.Igetit.ThingspopupforRowanallthetimeatthelastminute.”
Isigh.“Doesiteverupsetyou?”
Shelaughs.“Ohyeah.SometimesIwanttotakehisphoneanddropitinthenearesttoilet.”
Ilaugh.“Butyoudon’t.”
“OnlybecauseofsheerwillandapartingorgasmfromRowanbeforehegoestofixwhatevercrisispoppedup.”
“Iguessthat’sonewaytopacifyapartner.”
“Youhavenoidea.IfyouaskedDeclan,I’msurehewouldbehappytoobligewiththesamepolicy.”
Isigh.“Iguess.”
Shenudgesmyshoulderwithhers.“What’sreallywrong?
Somethingtellsmeithasnothingtodowithorgasms.”
“It’sjustthat…”Myvoicedropsoff.
Shestayssilent,weavingthegolfcartthroughcurvysidewalksandundergroundtunnels.Itrytothinkofhowtophrasemyfeelings,buttheysoundsmallincomparisontothestressor.AsDeclan’spartner,Ishoulddropeverythingtohelphim.Iunderstandthatandammorethanwillingto.ButI’mworriedwhatmighthappenifitcontinuesonasapattern.
“Istrugglewithnotfeelingupsetathimforthingslikethis.Beinghisassistantisgreat,don’tgetmewrong,butit’sexhausting.I’mworriedthingswillonlygetworseoncehe’sCEO.Ican’thelpwonderinghowitcouldtearusapartasacouple,addingresentmentthatshouldn’tevenbethereifIwasn’thisemployeeaswellashiswife.”
“Andifyouhaveababy…”
“There’snowayIcouldbepregnantandkeepupwithhiscrazyschedule.I’dspendmoretimeasleeponmydeskthanIwouldspendworkingatit.”
Shelaughs.“Doyouplanonfindingareplacementsometimesoon?”
“I’mnotsure…Ihaven’tconsidereditsinceIthoughtabouttransferringjobs.”
“Itcouldbenicetogiveitanotherthought,especiallyifyou’remoreseriousasacouplenow.Sometimeswhatfeelswronginonemomentcanfeelperfectlyrightlateron.”
“Hewon’twanttoletmego.”
“Hemightnot,butit’stobeexpected.Ihearyou’reamazingatyourjobandreallykickass.”
Mysmilewobbles.“Thanks,butitfeelslikemyassistheonebeingkickedrightnow.”
“Sometimeslifeislikethat.Noteveryplancanworkoutthewayyouwantitto.”Zahraslamsonthebrakesandthegolfcartscreechestoahalt.
“ThisistheclosestIcangetyoutohislocationwithoutactuallydrivingwhereguestscanseeme.”
“Thankyousomuch.”
“ThankmebykickingSeth’sass.”Sheshovesmybackpackintomyhands.“Go!Takethebackalleyssoyoucanavoidthecrowds.”
Shedoesn’thavetotellmetwice.I’mnothingbutshakylimbsandprotestinglungsasIchaseafterthelittlebluedotthatmarksDeclan’slocation.Idon’tstoprunninguntilIfindDeclan,Yakura,andSethalltalking.Well,morelikeSethistalkingandDeclanlooksaboutoneminuteawayfromshovinghimintothenearestfountainahundredfeetaway.
Mr.Yakura’seyeslandonme.“Iris!”
Ican’trespondasIkeelover,slappingmyhandsagainstmythighsasItakeinafewdeepbreaths.Mybreathingdoesn’tseemtogetanybetter,andmythroatfeelslikesomeonewrappedtheirhandsarounditandhasn’tstoppedsqueezing.
Istareattwodarkshoesstoppinginfrontofme.
“Where’syourinhaler?”Declan’svoiceseemsroughandonedge.
Itmakesmebristle.
“Yourinhaler,Iris.”Histonehasabitmorebitetoit.
Ipointatmytinybackpackinbetweenwheezes.HemakesquickworkoffindingtheredcanisteramongstalltheDreamlandjunkI’vecollectedoverthelasttwenty-fourhours.
“Here.”Heuncapsitbeforepassingittome.
Igothroughthemotions,andmybreathingbecomeseasierasthemedicinemakesitswaythroughmysystem.Declanstealsitbackfrommyhandandpacksitaway.
IriseupandlookoveratMr.Yakurawithashysmile.WiththewayhiseyesshiftfromDeclantomebacktoDeclanagain,heseemsalmostsmittenbyhisoverbearingdisplay.
Itwaskindofcute.I’llgivehimthatandonlythattoday.Eventhoughheisactinglikeatotalassrightnow,notevenbotheringtolookatmeashestaresdownhisfatherwithascowl.
“Iwaswonderingwhereyouwere.”Yakurapullsmeinforabighug.
IcatchSethshootinglasersatmefromafar,andIgivehimalittlewavewithmyfreehand.
“Where’syourwife?”
Hereleasesmefromhisembrace.“Shestayedatthehotel.HadIrealizedyouwouldbejoiningus,Iwouldhavebroughtheralong.”
“Whatifwegogether?”
Hiswholefacelightsup.“Areyousure?Iwouldn’twanttoputanyoneoutbychangingourplans.”
“Nonsense.Wecan’tspendthedayatDreamlandwithouther.Itwouldn’tberight.”
Hewinks.“ThisiswhyIlikeyou.”
Sethstaresatmelikeanenemyhewantstodestroy,soIwelcomehischallenginggazewithoneofmyown.It’shisfaultDeclanandIwereputinthispositioninthefirstplace.
AndIdon’tplanonforgettingit.
40
DECLAN
IthoughthavingIrisalongwouldsolvemyproblems,exceptitdoesn’t.Ifanything,itonlyaddsanextracomplicationtomyalreadyfailingplan.
HerideatobringMrs.Yakuraalong?Greatintheory,butsheisjustanotherpaininmyass.Shestopseverytwentyfeettostareatsomething,whichonlyslowsusdown.Andbyslowingusdown,itgivesmyfathermoreopportunitiestoleadthediscussion.Iristriestomoveherforward,butshebecomesimmersedineverydamnflower,child,andsigninourpath.
HerdingMrs.Yakuraisaboutassuccessfulasgatheringabunchofstraycats.Itdoesn’thelpthatherhusbandseemstoencourageher,withhisattentionspansplitbetweenmyfather,me,andhiswife.
ItakeanotherdeepbreathasMr.YakurapullstothesidewithIrisandhiswifetocheckoutanothertopiary.Theyactasiftheyhaveneverseenashrubbefore.
“Doingokay,son?”
IswearI’maboutonecommentawayfromgrabbinghimbyhistieandchokinghimwithit.
Breathe.
Itrytousemyusualphrasestocalmmyselfdown,buteachtimeItry,itonlyseemstomakemattersworse.
“I’mfine.”
Hechucklesunderneathhisbreath.“YoucangiveupatanytimeandI’lltakeovertosecurethedeal.I’mevenwillingtogiveyoucreditandputinagoodwordforyouduringournextboardmeeting.”
“Shutup.”
“I’mtryingtohelpyou.WhileI’dbehappytofinishthisoffandsecureusanewpark,allitwouldtakeisonemisstepfrommeandthedealisgoodasdead.”
Myteethgrindtogether.“Youshouldn’tevenbehere.”
“Youshouldhavementionedthattoyourwifethenbeforeshesetupanautomaticemaillettingeveryoneknowwhereyouwerethisweek.”
“You’relying.”
Hesmirks.“Goaheadandcheckyourphone.I’llwait.”
Ipullitoutbutstopmyself.Histricksaren’tgoingtoworkonme.
“Idon’tbelieveyou.”Evenifshedidsendoutanemaillikethat,itdoesn’tmeanmyfathercouldconnectmeallthewaybacktoDreamland
“Itakeityoudon’twanttoacceptmyoffertohelpfinishthisonceandforall?”
“Overmydeadbody.”
“Noparentwantstoburytheirchild,butIsupposeI’mwillingtomakeanexception.”
“Idon’thavetimeforthisshit.”IpushpasthimandwalktowardIrisandtheYakuras.
“Iwastellingthemallaboutthegreenhouseswehaveonthecompanypropertyafewmilesawayfromhere.”Irissmilesupatme.
“Great.Idoubtthey’reinterestedingoingtherethough,”Ispeakbetweengrittedteeth.
Hersmiledropsbeforesherecovers.“So,Iwaswonderingwhatyoubothwouldliketoseenext?”
“Rollercoasters,”Mrs.Yakurasaysatthesametimeasherhusbandreplies,“Nothingthatcausesbackpain.”
Great.IhavetochoosebetweengivingMr.Yakurapermanentnervedamageandpleasinghiswife.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
MyfatherandIspendtheafternoonbattlingforMr.Yakura’sattention.Heconsistentlyinterjectshimselfasiftoremindusthatheisstillapartofthegroup,andYakurafallsforit.Hewantstoknowaboutourfamily,ourhistorywiththepark,andwhatitwaslikegrowingupwithagrandfatherwhocreatedthebiggestfairy-taleempireintheworld.
Ijumpinandrespondtosomequestionsbeforemyfatherhasachance,althoughhisyearsofexperiencegivehimanadvantage.
Yakuraseemspleasedwithmyresponses.Butthenagain,heseemsequallyinterestedinwhatmyfatherhastosay.Maybeevenmoreso.
Thiswouldn’tbeaproblemifhewasn’tevenheretobeginwith.
AproblemmyassistantcausedbycreatingadamningautomaticmessageinsinuatingIwasatDreamland.Myfatherisnoidiot.HeknowsexactlywhatatriptoDreamlandmeans,andithasnothingtodowithvisitingRowan.
SinceIdidn’tbelievehim,Icheckmyemail.TherearemultipleonesfromemployeeswhereIautomaticallyrepliedbacksayingIwouldbeoutoftownforbusinessatDreamland.
Myfatherwasn’tlyingafterall.Irisfuckedupastronomically,andnowI’mstucktryingtofixthemessshemade.
Asifshesensesmydarkeningmood,shetugsonmysleeve.“Ineedtousetherestroom.”
I’mhesitanttoleavemyfatheralonewiththeYakuras,butitseemslikeIdon’thavemuchofachoiceasIrisdragsmeaway.Sheleadsustowardthenearbyrestroomarea,outofsightfromtheothers.
“Thisisn’tgoingwell.”
“Really?Whatgaveitaway?”Iaskwithadryvoice.
“Thisdoesn’tfeelright.Ithinkweneedtostepbackandregroupbeforeitexplodesinourfaces.”
“I’mnotabouttorunawayfromsomethingdifficultbecauseitdoesn’tfeelright.”Myvoicecarriesabitmorebitethanintended.
Herbrowspulltogether.“Yourfatherisuptosomething.”
“Iappreciateyourconcern,butIdidn’taskyoutocomeheresoyoucouldwasteyourtimeanalyzingmyfather,seeingashewouldn’tevenbehereifitweren’tforyou.”
“What?”Sherearsback.
“Hetoldmeabouttheautomaticemailrepliesyousetupforme.”
“Sowhat?Ialwaysdothose.It’scompanypolicy—”
Icutheroff.“WhatgoodiscompanypolicyifImightnothaveadamncompanytoruninayearbecauseofthis?”
Shewinces.
Calmdownbeforeyousaysomethingyou’llreallyregret.
Itakeadeepbreathandtrytorecalibrate,butwithhoweverythingisgoingtoday,Ifeelbeyondflustered.AllbecausemyfatherfoundoutaboutmytripfromtheonepersonItrustedtohandleallthis.
Nowisn’tthetimetogetintoitwithher.
Ishutmyeyestoavoidlookingatherface.“Ithinkyoushouldgo.”Itwasamistaketodragherintothis.
“You’rejoking.”
“It’sforthebest.You’renothingbutadistractionthatIdon’thavetimeforrightnow.”
Hermouthdropsopen.“Adistraction?AllI’vedoneistrytohelpyou.”
“Yourjobdescriptionsaysyou’resupposedtoalleviateproblems,notcausethem.”
ShetakesastepbacklikeIphysicallyslappedher.“Thatisn’tfair.”
“Neitherislife.Getoverit.”
Hereyeshaveasheentothemthatwasn’tpresentaminuteago.
“Ithinkyou’remakingamistakeifyoukeepgoingtoday.IfIwere
you,Iwouldendit,circlebacktomorrow,andseeifyoucanmeetwithYakuraprivately.Heismoreobservantthanyougivehimcreditfor.”
“AsmuchasIhaveappreciatedyourinputupuntilthispoint,I’mtheboss.IcandeterminewhetherornotIshouldcontinue.”
“We’resupposedtobeateam.”
“Weare,buteveryteamhasaleader,andit’snotyou.”
Shesucksinabreath.Thenoiseactslikeaneedleagainstthepressurebuildinginsidemychest.I’mhitwithastrongwaveofguilt.
Bebetterthanhim.
Ireachouttocuphercheek,butshestepsback.
“No.Youdon’tgettotouchmerightnow.”
Herrejectionslicesagainstmythinningresolve.“So,isthishowit’sgoingtobe?You’regoingtopunishmewheneveryoudon’tgetyourway?What’snext,withholdingsexbecauseIdidsomethingstupidlikecommentonyourjobperformance?”
Hereyesnarrow.“That’snotmyissuewithyouandyouknowit.”
“Thenwhatisyourproblem?”
“Youdon’ttrustme—notentirelythatis.Ifyoudid,thenyouwouldlistentomebecauseI’vespenttwoyearshelpingyoubuildthisprojectfromthegroundup.Idon’twantyoutoruinitbecauseyou’renotthinkingrationally.Todayisn’taboutbeatingyourfatherortryingtotalkoverhim.It’saboutshowingYakurathatyouwillputfamilyfirst,regardlessofyourpersonalfeelingsbecauseit’sinthebestinterestofthecompany.”
“Itrustedyourshittyplanandyoufailed,sodon’tlecturemeontrustwhenyou’retheonetoblameformyfatherbeinghereinthefirstplace.Ifyouwereasgoodatyourjobasyousayyouare,noneofthiswouldhaveeverhappened.”
Hereyeswidenandshetakesastepbackbutstumbles.Whenmyarmshootsouttohelpher,sheflinches.
Fuck.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
Theregretisinstantlikeabullettotheheart.It’sonethingtolashoutatmybrotherbecauseI’mpissed,butit’sanothertotalktoIristhisway.
Saysomething.
IwishIcouldgobackintimeandmakebetterchoicesbecausethelookonherfacegutsme.Absolutelymakesawreckofmyinsidestothepointofphysicalpain.“Iris,Ishouldn’t—”
Shelaughs.Itelicitsthesamereactionasnailsrunningdownachalkboard.Ireachforheragain,andIthinkshemustbeinshockbecausesheletsmeholdher.
“IneverthoughtIwouldbeonthereceivingendofyourtemper,butIshouldhaveknownthatbeingyourwifewouldn’tsavemefromthatkindoftreatment.Ifanything,itmakesittentimesworse.”
“Ididn’tmeanit.Iwasangryaboutthesituationwithmyfatherandtookitoutonyou.”
Shestayssilent,soIkissher.Herarmshangbyhersideswhichonlyincreasesmydesperation.Iwanthertodosomething—
anythingreally,solongasittakesawaythisfeelinggrowinginmygut.
“I’msorry,”Imumbleagainstherlips.Somethingwetandsaltyhitsmylips,andIbreakawayfromourkisstofindafewtearsstreamingdownherface.Ibrushthemaway,tryingtoerasetheevidenceofmywords,onlytofindmoreintheirwake.It’sliketryingtofixaleakwithducttape.Nothingworkstostopthetearsfrombreakingfree,andtheyonlymakememorefrustrated.
“Pleasedon’tcry.”
Herbrowstugtogetherasshelooksupatmewithglisteningeyes.“You’renotlaughing.”
“What?”
“Youtoldmeyoulaughwhenyoumakepeoplecry.”Hervoicecracks.
I’mamessinside.Shedoesn’tevenseemtobelookingatmebutratherthroughme.Herglisteningeyesserveasawindowtohersoul,andwhatIfindisdevastating.Abeautifullybrokensoulwhohappenstobeamirrorofmine.
Youhurther.
Ifeelnobetterthanmyfather,wieldingwordslikeknivesoutofanger.Whileitmightnotleavethesamekindofwoundsasfists,wordscandomoredamagethananything.
Tothinkyou’vetriedsohardtopreventyourselffrombecominglikehim,onlytorealizeyou’reanexactcopy.
Shedoesn’tmeetmyeyesasshesniffles.
Maybeevenworse.
BasedonthewayIfeel,itsureseemsthatway.
Ipullheragainstme,thistimekissingthetopofherhead.Exceptherusualsighisabsent.Shedoesn’tmeltintomethewayshealwaysdoes,andmyworryonlyintensifies.
“Letgoofme,”sheraspsasshepushesagainstmychest.
IreleaseherlikeshemightcatchonfireifIholdontoherforasecondlonger.Thewayshelooksatme…itfeelslikeshetookhernailsandsunkthemstraightintomychest.
“Wecantalkthisout.”
Shetakesalargestepbackasshewrapsherarmsaroundherlikeahug.Iwanttobetheonetoconsoleher,buthowdoImakeherfeelbetterwhenI’mtheonethathurtherinthefirstplace?
“I’vebeencalledafailurebymanypeopleinmylife,includingmyownfather,yetnoneofthemseemedtohavemadeithurtquitelikeyoujustdid.Itrustedyou.”
MystomachrollsasIamunabletoescapethesickfeelingplaguingme.
“I’msorr—”
Shecutsmeoff.“ThelastthingIwanttohearrightnowishowsorryyouare.Ican’tbelieveIcameherethinkingyouneededmyhelp,onlytoendupbeingblamedforallofthis.Whatajoke.Theonlytwopeopletoblamehereareyouandyourfather.Himforbeinganabsolutedickandyouforfollowinginhisfootsteps,lashingoutatmeinsteadoftakingpersonalresponsibility.”
Itakeastepforward,onlyforhertotakeabigstepbackward.
Myhanddropsbacktomyside.“Don’tgo.”
Sheshakesherheadasshetakesanotherstepawayfromme.
“We’resupposedtobeateam.”
“Idon’twanttobeonyourteam.Notanymore.”
ApunchtothefacemighthavehurtlessthanthewayshelooksatmelikeI’mbelowher.
“I’llbebetter.”
“Funny.That’swhatmyfatheralwaystoldmymomtoo,rightbeforehehurtheralloveragain.”
Herfinalblowlandsexactlylikeitwasmeantto.ItrytotakeafewdeepbreathsasIthinkofsomethingtosay,butIstruggletocomeupwithanythingworthy.
Shetakesadvantageofmystunnedstateandretreatstoahiddenexitoutoftheparkwithoutsparingmeanotherglance.I’mtornbetweenchasingafterherandgoingbacktothegroup.LeavingIrisaloneafterknowinghowupsetsheisseemsunconscionable,yetIcan’texactlyleavetheYakurasinmyfather’shands.NotafterhowhardIrisandIhaveworkedtomakethishappen.
YoucandealwithIrislateronceallofthisisdone.
Itseemslikethebestidea,yetIstruggletomakemywaybacktoeveryone.EachstepawayfromIrisfeelslikeI’mtrudgingthroughquicksand.
Youdidnotspendtwoyearsofyourlifeworkingonthisdealtoloseitnow.Pullyourselftogether.
Ireturntothegroup,ignoringtheweightpressingagainstmychestwitheachstepawayfromIris.Forthesakeofmyfuture,Ineedtoshelvemyemotionsandpushthrough.ItseemssimpleintheoryuntilMrs.YakuraaskswhereIrisis.
“Shewasn’tfeelingverywell.”
Myfather’seyesgleam,andIcan’tstomachlookingathimwithoutfeelinganurgetoshovehimawayfromme.
“Ohno.Doessheneedhelpgettingbacktoyourhotel?”Mr.
Yakuraoffers.
Ishakemyhead.“Shedidn’twantustostopourtourforher.”
“Areyousure?Wecould—”
Icuthimoff.“I’msure.”
“Hopefullyshefeelsbetter.”Mrs.Yakurasmiles.
IfthelookonIris’sfaceisasmallinklingofthepainshefeels,Idoubtshewillforalongtime.
Imadesureofthat.
41
IRIS
DidIexpectDeclantoattackmelikehedidafterIwentoutofmywaytodropeverythingandhelphimwhenheasked?No,butdamndidthesurprisehurtalmostasmuchasthethingshesaidaboutme.
Yourjobdescriptionsaysyou’resupposedtoalleviateproblems,notcausethem.
Mythroatclosesup.Howdarehetalkaboutmeandmyjobdescriptionlikethat.Ican’tbelieveIspentthreeyearsofmylifefixinghisproblemswhenevertheyarose,onlyforhimtocutmedowntonothingthemomentImessedup.
Ifyouevendidmessup.
RegardlessifIdid,Declanshouldhaveneverspokentomelikethat.HeusedmyinsecuritiesagainstmeuntilIwasleftstandingbeforehim,feelingjustasbrokenaseverbefore.I’vebeenonthereceivingendofhisverballashingsbeforebutneverlikethis.ThisonefeltpersonalinawayIneverwanttoexperienceagain.
Youcanonlygetangryatyourself.You’retheonewholethimintobeginwith.
WhatwasitthatDeclanusedtoalwaystellme?
Oh,right.
Learntouseyourwordsasweaponsbecausetheycanbestrongerthananyfist.
Ifeellikeafoolforgivinghimtheperfectammunitiontouseagainstme.Atearslipsfree,andIswipeitawaywiththesleeveofmyshirt.
Insteadofwallowinginself-pityduringthebusridebacktothehotel,Icallthepilotandaskhimtopreparetheprivatejetfortakeoff.Imightbeafailure,butI’mstillaKane,soDeclancanflycommercialforallIcareifhewantstogetbacktoChicagowithinthenextday.I’mnotstayinginDreamlandforanotherhourafterthewayhespoketome.Theparkfeelstoosmallforbothofusrightnow,andI’drathergetthehelloutofhere.AtleastthatwayIcanwrapmymindaroundeverythinghesaidwithoutanyonetryingtosabotageme,talkdowntome,ormakemecry.Knowingmyhusband,hemightdoallthreeifI
RunningiswhatI’mgoodat.Stayinganddealingwithproblemsthathurtlikeabitchontheotherhand?Hardfreakingpass.
Screwhimandscrewhisstupiddeal.Ideservemorethanhimhurtingmetosavehisownface,especiallyafterallthesacrificesImadeforhim.
Thebusdropsusoffatthehotel.Idon’tknowhowlongIhaveuntilDeclangetsbacktotheroom,somypanicforcesmeintoactionmode.IfI’mlucky,Mr.YakurawillkeepDeclanandhisfatherdiscussingcontractsforhours.Maybeevendays
Exceptthethoughtdoesn’tmakemehappylikeIwouldexpect.
Rather,itdrivesmetoafreshroundoftearsasIconsiderDeclanchoosingtosecurethedealovercomingafterme.Aftereverythinghesaid,onewouldthinkhewouldwanttofixthingsrightawayiftheyreallymatteredtohim.
I’msoscrewedupintheheadabouteverythingthatIcan’teventellwhetherit’sselfishornottowishforsomethinglikethat.
Ishakemysadnessoffandgettopacking.Thewholesuitcaselooksclosetobulgingbutsomehowmybelongingsstayput.
Ithrowmyhotelkeyonthenightstand,writeaquicknote,andleavetheroomwithoutlookingback.TurnsoutmyworriesaboutDeclancomingbacktogetmeweremisplacedsincehenever
botheredtoshowup.Insteadoffeelingrelieved,I’mhitwithanotherwaveofdespair.
Ofcoursehedidn’tshowup.Declan’sprioritieswillalwaysalignwiththecompanynomatterthecost.Hehasbeentrainedsinceayoungagetoworklikethat,andIwaswillingtobesecondbestbecausehisloveisworthit.
Was.Hislovewasworthit.Notanymorethough.Icouldlivewithoutfeelinglikehetookmyheartandshattereditintoamillionpieces.
You’renothingbutadistractionthatIdon’thavetimeforrightnow.
Hedidapologizerightafter.
Yeah,sodidmyfatheraftersayingtheugliestthingstomymom.
Ilearnedfromhermistakesanddon’tplanonfallingintothesametrap.
Youneedtogetoutofhere.
IhopeDeclangetsthedeal.NotbecauseI’mpettyormad,butbecauseIwantittobewortheverythinghelosttogetit—theoptionofearningmyloveincluded.
Theconciergedeskcallsmeacabtotakemetotheprivateairport.
BythetimeIgetthere,thecabindoorisopenandtheplaneisreadyfortakeoff.Igetoutofthecabandstareattheplane.I’mhitwithanounceofdoubt,wonderingifIshouldturnaroundandgobacktothehotel.
Areyoureallygoingtoleavehim?Whatifheneedsyou?
Hisvoicefromearliercomesbackwithavengeance.
Everyteamhasaleader,andit’snotyou.
Ishakemyhead,clearinganylingeringdoubts.
You’renotgoingback.Notafterhespoketoyoulikethat.
Irollmyshouldersback,climbupthestairstothejet,andtaketheseatacrosstheaislefromourusualspot.Thestaffontheplaneislimitedtoasingleflightattendantwhooffersmedrinksandsnacks.
Mystomachchurnsattheideaofeatinganythingatthemoment,soIdecline.
Somehow,Iholdmyselftogetherduringtheentiretyoftheflight.
Harrisonpicksmeupattheairport,andheiskindenoughnottoaskmewhereDeclanis.I’mnotsureIcouldhandlehisquestionwithoutcrying.Thewayhelooksatmemakesmewonderifheknowssomethinghappened,buthestaysquietashehelpsmewithmyluggage.HedropsmeoffatCal’splacebeforetakingoff.
Upuntilthispoint,I’vebeennumbandstrictlyonsurvivalmode.Sure,Ishedacoupleoftears,butIdidn’ttrulyallowmyselftoconsidereverythingDeclansaiduntilIknockonCal’sdoor.
Heopensthedoor.“Hey.Whatareyoudoingbackheresosoon?”
TearsleakfrommyeyesbeforeIhaveachancetoblinkthemaway.
“Ohshit.”Hepullsmeintohisplaceandshutsthedoor.
Hisarmswraparoundme,holdingmeupsomylegsdon’tgiveout.Mytearsturnintofull-bodysobs.HelistenstomewhileIrecounteverythingthathappenedtoday,withhimonlyinterruptingtoaskacoupleofquestions
Hedoesn’tspeakuntilIstop.“He’sanidiotfortellingyouallthatcrap.Theonlythingthatwasshittyabouttodaywashisattitude.”
Ipullawayandwinceatthetear-stainedspotonhisshirt.“HesaidIfailed.”
“Hefailedyouthemomenthelostcontrollikethat.Nooneshouldtalktoyoulikethat,leastofallhim.”
Isniffle.“Hewassomadatme.”
“Idon’tgiveafuckhowhefelt.Itdoesn’tmakeanyofitokay.”
Myheadhangs.“Imadeamistake.”
Calgrabsmyhandanddragsmetowardthecouch.Hedisappearsbeforereturningwithatissuebox,someheadachemedicine,andaglassofwater.
“Thankyou.”Ilookupathimwithawobblysmile.
Hisfrowndeepensasheassessesmyface.“It’stheleastIcandoseeingasI’mtheonethatencouragedhimtochaseafteryou.”
“It’snotyourfault.”
“Iknewhedidn’tdeserveyou.”
Iwince,rememberingthemomentDeclansaidthesamething.“I
—”
“Don’tmakeexcusesforhim.Thethingshesaidareunacceptable,especiallyaftereverythingyousharedwithhim.”
Itakeadeepbreath.“DoyoumindifIstayheretonight?”
“Guestroomisallyoursforaslongasyouwantit.”
Isigh.“Ican’thideouthereforever.”
“Youcandowhateveryouwant.Declanisn’tyourkeeper.”
“IknowbutIneedtobematureaboutthis.”
“Oh,likehe’sonetotalkaboutmaturityrightnow.”
“We’remarried.Onefightisn’tgoingtochangethat.”
Heletsoutadeepexhale.“No,butitmightchangethewayyouapproachyourmarriage.”
“Iknow.”Itwistmyhandsonmylap.
Hedropsontothecouchnexttome.“Everythingisgoingtobeokay.”
“Isit?Becauseitsureashelldoesn’tfeelokay.Hedidn’tevencomeaftermeaftereverythinghesaid.HejustletmewalkawaylikeIdidn’tmeananythingtohim,allbecauseadealismoreimportantthanme.”Aloantearslidesdownmyfacebeforelandingonmylap.
“Hefuckedup.There’snoeasywaytoputit.”
“WhatamIsupposedtodo?”
“Youdon’tneedtodoanything.He’stheonewhomessedup,nottheotherwayaround.Iknowyou’reusedtoalwayspickingupafterhismesses,butsometimesyoucan’tfixeverythingforhim.”
Mythroatbobs.“Whatifhedoesn’tfixit?”
“Thenhewasneverworthyofyouinthefirstplace.”
42
DECLAN
MyfatherandIcontinuetocompeteforMr.Yakura’sattention.
RatherthangowithIris’sadvice,Ichoosetofightbackharder,provingI’mthebestcandidatetobringDreamlandTokyotolife.Myfathermeetsmyeverystride.HemakespromisesI’mnotevensurehecanuphold,althoughheappearsmightyconfidentinthemanner.
Icantellit’sgettingmessy.Mr.andMrs.Yakuratrytokeeptheirsmileswideandtheireyesbright,butIcanonlyimaginehowexhaustingallthisis.
Iriswarnedmetoendit,butIdidn’tlisten.
No.ItrampledalloverherinsteadbecauseIwastoopissedtothinkclearly.Afterworkingsodamnhardtoearnhertrust,Ithrewitawayatthefirstsignofadversity.Thereisnoonetoblamebutme.
Notmyanger.Notmyfather.AnddefinitelynotIris,althoughI’msureImadeherfeelthatway.
Adarkcloudofemotionfollowsmethroughtherestofourwalkthrough.Ican’tshakethefeelingthatImadeahugemistakebycontinuingonwiththerestofmydaydespiteIris’sadvice.Themoretimethatpasses,thelessI’msuremychoicetostaywastherightone.MydoubthasnothingtodowithmyfatherstealingMr.
Yakura’stime,butmoresotodowiththeideaofmehurtingIrisand
lettingherwalkaway.TheurgeisstrongerthanevertoleavethemallbehindsoIcangofindIris.
Ican’tstopthinkingofthethingsItoldherwhenIwasangry.Itwasonethingtocallheradistraction,butit’sacompletelydifferentissuetodoubtherabilitytodoherjob.Iknowsheiscapableofeverythingandmore,yetItoreherdownlikeshewasworthnothing.I’mnotproudofthewayItoldherhowtheplanshemadewasshitty.Butnothingfeelsworsethantellinghershefailed.Ichosemywordsoutofangerwithouttrulythinkingoftheimpacttheycouldhave.
It’snotuntilwemakeourwaybacktotheentranceoftheparkthatMr.Yakurapullsmeaside.Myfather’seyestrackusevenaswestepoutofearshot.
“Declan.Iseverythingokay?”Helooksupatmewithabigsmileasbrightashisridiculousneonshirt.
“I’mfine.”
“Icouldn’thelpnoticinghowyou’vebeenmuchquietersinceIrisleft.WhileIappreciateyouspendingthedaywithus,wewouldratheryoubewithyourwifeifsheisn’tfeelingwell.”
Ifyouevenhaveawifetogobackto.
“Shewantedmetoseethisthrough.”AtleastIthinkso.
Hissmilefalters.“Iexpectedasmuch.Shewasratherpersuasiveonthephonewhenshewassettingupthisentiretripforus.Ialmostfeltbadforinvitingyourfatheralong,knowingthetwoofyouaren’tonthebestofterms.”
Wait,what?“Repeatthat.”
“Iwastheonewhoinvitedyourfathertojoinushere.Whyelsedidyouthinkhewouldshowup?”
“Whendidyoudothat?”
Mr.Yakuratiltshishead.“ThesamedayIriscalledtoscheduleeverythingwithmyassistant.Iwantedtomakesureeveryonecouldmakeitherefortheannouncement.It’sashameIriswon’tbeherethough.IknowhowhardsheworkedonputtingallthistogetherandIhatetheideaofleavingherewithout
Withthewaymystomachrolls,I’maboutoneconfessionfromthrowingup.Irishadnothingtodowithmyfathercominghere.
Sure,shesetupanautomaticemailtellingpeopleIwouldbevisitingDreamland,butmyfatherknewaboutthetripwaybeforeshecreatedthat.
Fuck.
Imadeacolossalmistake.Onedoneoutofangerandirrationality,allbecauseIthoughtIcouldblameeveryoneelseformyfailureexceptme
“Whywouldyoudothat?”
“Iwascuriousabouthowyouandyourfatherworkedtogether.
Turnsoutmytheorieswereright.”
Fuckhimandfuckmyfather.IfMr.Yakurawantstoworkwithhim,thenfine.Ifhewantstoworkwithme,great,althoughI’mnottoocertainIevenwanttoworkwithhimanymore.Notwiththewayheplayedme.I’dratherworkwithhonestpeoplewhoaren’touttomanipulateme.
Heholdshishandsup.“Icantellthisnewsupsetsyou.IpromiseIdidn’tmeanforyoutotakeanyoffense.MyintentionwassolelytobetterunderstandthefamilydynamicsbeforeImadeadecisiontoworkwitheitherofyou.”
“Andletmeguess—youdon’twantto.”
Hislipspresstogether.“It’snotthatIdon’twantto,butyourrelationshipwithyourfatheriscomplex.Icantellthereisalotofanimositybetweenthetwoofyou,althoughbothofyoutrytopretenditdoesn’texist.ItbecamemoreapparentonceIrisleft.”
Ifyouhadlistenedtoherinsteadofshootingherdown…
Itakeafewdeepbreathstoslowdownmythoughts.
You’reafuckingidiot,Declan.Astupididiotwhodroveawaytheonepersoninyourcornerbecauseyouwantedtoproveyouhadwhatittooktofinishadeal.
“Didyouevencomeherewiththeintentionofsigningacontract?”
“Ididcomewithanopenmind.MywifeandIwerebothrootingforyou,butIseethereisstillalotyouneedtoovercome.You’reyoung,Declan.Youngandambitiousandpassionateenoughtohave
whatittakestobealeaderoneday.Nooneisdiscountingthat,althoughI’msureitmightfeellikethatbecauseofmydecision.”
Mytemplethrobsfromthebuildingpressurebehindmyskull.“Isee.”
“Idoubtyouwanttohearthisfromme,butifyoudon’tmind,IwanttogiveyouadvicefromoneCEOtoafutureone.”
Itakeadeepbreathtostopmyselffromsnapping.“Goahead.”
HereleasesasighasifhewasactuallynervousIwouldsayno.
“You’reonlyasstrongasyourbiggestfear.Takeyourfatherforexample:heisafraidofbeingpowerless,sohewillgooutofhiswaytoruinhisownchild’ssuccessjusttofeelstrongandrelevant.Itwillbehisgreatestdownfalloneday—Icanguaranteethat.Sochoosetolearnfromhimandhismistakesbeforeit’stoolateforyou.Embraceyourfearsandgrowfromthemorspendtherestofyourlifefightingthemateveryturn.”
Itrytostopmyselffromspeakingbutlosetheabilitytocontrolmywords.“What’smine?”
Helaughs.“Godosomesoulsearchingandfindoutforyourself.
Ican’tjustgiveyoualltheanswers.That’sthewholepointoflife.”
Mrs.Yakuracallshisname,andhelooksoverhisshoulderandholdsupafinger.
“Onelastthing.”Heturnsbacktowardme.
Asifthisentireconversationcan’tgetanyworse.“What?”
“Comebackandtalktomewhenyoufeelthetimeisright.Ifthegossiparticlesmywifereadsarecorrect,thenmaybeit’ssoonerratherthanlater.Hopefullyyouhaveyourselfsortedoutbythen.”
Hewinks.
Ihavenoideahowheknows,butIcantellinhiseyesthathesuspectssomething.
“Gotakecareofyourwife.TellherI’msorryandthatIhopesheunderstands.”Hegivesmeonelastsmilebeforeheandhiswifeleavethepark.
Iwatchthemdisappearbehindthegates,soImissmyfatherwalkinguptome.
“Howdoesitfeeltolosesomethingyouworkedtwoyearson?”
“Notnearlyaspatheticasyoumustfeelgoinghometoanemptyhouse,knowingyouonlyhaveyourmiserableselftokeepyoucompany.I’llseeyouonMonday.”
Hisshoesclapafterme.“Whereareyougoing?”
“I’mdonehere.ItriedandIlost.Ifyou’llexcuseme,I’mgoingtogetmywifeandgetthehelloutofhere.”
HegrabsmyarmandIripitoutofhisgrasp.
“Don’ttouchme,”Iseethe.
“We’renotdonehere.”
“Ifyou’relookingforsomekindofbigreactionfromme,you’renotgoingtogetone.Notanymore.”
“Really?IguessI’llhavetowaitforMondaythenwhenyouhavetopresentyourfailuretotheboard.”
Ishrug.“Itdoesn’tmatterwhattheythinkaboutme.Halfofthemthinkyou’reapieceofshitandtheystillkissyourassbecauseofyourlastname.SolongasIhavemyinheritance,theiropinionsofmearen’tworthshit.”
“Andyouconsiderthisprovingyourself?ItmakesyoulooklikeapatheticoptionforCEO.”
“Maybe,butitdoesn’tmatter,doesit?Grandpamadesureofthat.”
“Iwillfightyoueverystepofthewayonthis.”
“Youcansuretry,butI’mnotplanningonfightingback.I’mdone.You’realostcauseIrefusetospendanymoreenergyon.I’dratherredirectittowhat’simportantlikemywife,kids,andbrothers.Youmadeyourchoicetobeamiserablefuck,butthatdoesn’tmeanIhaveto.”IwalkawaybeforeIsayanythingelse.
Mr.YakurawantedmetoconsidermybiggestfearandIwasstaringrightatit.
Idon’twanttobecomemyfather.
I’vespentmyentirelifestrivingtobebetterthanhim,tothepointoffollowinginhissamefootstepstousurphim.IspentfartoomuchofmytimetryingtodestroyhimwhenIshouldhavebeenfocusingonwhat’simportant.
Idon’tplanonmakingthesamemistake.Notanymore.
IreturntothehotelexpectingtofindIrisintheroom,butdiscoveritemptyofallherthings.Didshegetanotherroombecauseshewantedtoavoidme?AfterwhatIsaid,Iwouldn’tblameher.ButifshethinksI’mgoingtohavehersleepsomewhereelse,she’smistaken.
Couplesfight.Wecangetthroughthis.Butfirst,Ineedhertolistentome.
Icheckmymessages,butnonearefromIris.MyheartbeatsharderagainstmychestasIcallhercellphoneanditgoesdirectlytovoicemail.
“Shit.”Ithrowmyphoneonthebed,anditbouncesagainstapieceofwhitepaperthatblendedintothecomforter.I’malmostafraidtoturnitoverbutsuckitup.Themessageismyworstfuckingnightmare.
Considerthismyinformalresignationletter.FormalnoticewillarriveonyourdeskthisMondayat9a.m.—Iris
Icrumplethepaperbeforechuckingitinthetrashbin.I’mnotlettingherquitbecausewegotintoonefightaboutwork,nomatterhowmuchshemightwantto.Mywordswereharsh,uncalledfor,andoutofline,butthatdoesn’tmeanshecanquitwithoutgivingmeachancetomakeituptoher.
Butfirstyouneedtofindher.
“Shit.”
43
DECLAN
Ican’tfindIrisanywhereinthehotel.TheonlyotherplacebesidestheparkthatIthinkshewouldgotoisRowan’splace.
Itakeadeepbreathandknockagainsthisdoor.Thelightabovemeturnsonbeforethedoorswingsopen,revealingZahraontheotherside.Shelooksbrightandcheeryasalways—likeshegetsherenergystraightfromthesun.Idon’tknowhowmybrothercanstandit.
“HaveyouseenIris?”Idon’tbotherwithpleasantries.
“Umm,shouldn’tshebewithyou?”
Iturnaroundandwalkdownthesteps,notwantingtowasteanymoretime.
“Hey!Wait!”Zahrachasesafterme.
Ispeedup.
“Stop!”
Idon’t.
Thesoundofflip-flopssmackingagainstthegroundmakesmegrindmyteethtogether.IignoreZahracallingafterme,onlytobestoppedbymybrotheronhiswaybackfromhisrun.
Hepopsanearbudoutashescowlsatme.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Zahrastopsbesideme,tryingtocatchherbreath.“Hasanyonetoldyouthatyouhaveverylonglegs?”
“Whyareyouchasingaftermybrother?”
“BecauseIwantedtotalktohim,buthedidn’twanttobecaught.”
Rowanraisesabrowatme.“Caretoexplainwhyyouarerunningawayfrommygirlfriend?”
Itakeadeepbreath.“Idon’thavetimetochat.I’vewastedenoughofitasitis.”
“Thenmaketime.”
“I’mtryingtofindIris.”
“Goodluckwiththat.”
Itakeastepforward.“Doyouknowwheresheis?”
“I’lltellyouifyoudowhatZahraasksandgiveherafewminutesofyourtime.It’stheleastyoucandoafteractinglikesuchadicktomeearlier,don’tyouthink?”
Myjawclenches.“Fine.Speak.”IlookdownatZahra.
“Canwegoinsidefirst?Ineedaglassofwater.”
MyshortfuseburnsdowntonothingasIfollowthembackintothehomeIspentmostofmyyouthvacationingat.ThememoriesslamintomeasItakeinMom’sporchswing,stillhanginginthesamespotyearslater.
“It’smyfavoriteplaceinthewholehouse.”Zahrashootsmeasmallsmile.
Ofcourseitis.
IignoreherasIwalkthroughthefrontdoor.Theplacehasn’tchangedbesidesafreshpaintjobandmoremodernfurniture.
There’sstilladoorframebythekitchenthathasourheightmarksovertheyears,withmebeingthetallest.
“It’sprettyweirdcomingbackhereaftersolong,huh?”Rowanleansagainstthekitchencounter,observingmeasItakeitallin.
“Howdoyoustandlivinghere?”
“Itremindsmeofsomegoodtimes.”
“Thatmakesoneofus.”
Thecornersofhislipsliftinasilentreply.
“Wouldyoulikeanythingtodrink?”Zahrapopsherheadintothefridge.
“Waterisgood.”
Shepoursmeaglassbeforemakingoneforherself.
“So,wouldanyoneliketotellmewhyI’mbeingheldemotionallyhostagehere?”
RowanlooksoveratZahraandsheonlygrins.“IliedwhenIsaidIhadsomethingtotellyou.IwasonlyhopingtostallyouforaslongasittookuntilRowangotbacksoyoubothcouldtalkthisout,onceandforall.”
Rowanshakeshisheadashelooksupattheceiling.“You’reapaininmyass.”
“Iknow,butyoulovemeforit.”Shekisseshischeekbeforedisappearingupthestairs.
“She’ssmart.”
“She’sameddleriswhatsheis.Shehateswhenwefight,especiallywhenit’sovermychoicetostayhere.”
“Youtoldheraboutearlier?”
“Itellhereverything.”
Itakeasipofmywater.“Interesting.”SafetosayZahraprobablythinksI’mthebiggestassholearound.
Hegrabsaglassandfillsittothetopwithwater.“Howdidthewalkthroughgo?”
“Whyareyouasking?”
“BecauseIcare.”
“EvenafterIlashedoutatyou?”
Hesighs.“Loveisn’tconditional.IknowFathermadeusbelievethat,butjustbecauseIgetangryatyouandviceversadoesn’tmeanIdon’tloveyouorcareaboutyou.Evenifyoudoactlikeanidiotmostofthetime.”
“WhoknewDreamlandwouldturnyouintosuchasappyfuck?”
“Dreamlandandthepeopleinit.”Hesmilesinagenuinewaythatreacheshiseyes,andIcan’trememberthelasttimeIhaveeverseenhimlookthishappy.Maybenever.
Noonecancontrolfallinginlove,andhehappenedtofinditinthelastplaceIexpected.It’stimeIaccepteditandmovedonfor
bothoursakes.I’vebeenpunishinghimforseekingoutwhatmakeshimfeelfulfilled,allbecauseIfeltlikehebetrayedme.Iheldontotheideaofhimabandoningmelikeeveryoneelsetomanagemyfatherandalltheexpectationsthatcomewiththecompany.Ratherthansupporthim,Iheldhishappinessagainsthimjustlikemyfatherdidcountlesslythroughoutourlives.
You’renobetterthanhim.
ItisasourfeelingtorealizethemanIhavespentmywholeliferesentingistheoneIamslowlybecoming.
It’snottoolatetostartmakingbetterdecisions.
MymouthfeelsdrynomatterhowmuchwaterIdrink.“I’vemadesomemistakes.”
Rowanblinksbutstaysquiet.
“I’vesaidthingsI’mnotproudof.Madethreats,talkeddowntoyou,pushedyouawaybecauseyoumadeadecisionIdidn’tlike.Asyourbigbrother,I’msupposedtosettheexample.Bethebiggerperson.Makethebestchoices.StaystrongnomatterhowmuchI’mbeingbeatendown.ExceptallI’vedoneisshowyouwhatnottodo.
Insteadoflettingyoubecomeyourownperson,Iwastryingtoshoveyoubackintoamoldyoudidn’tfitintoanymore.Itwasselfishofme,andI’msorry.”
“Wow.”Heblinks.
Thereisn’tmuchelseIneedtosay.Fromnowon,Iplanonbeingbetter.Theend.
Istand.“Ibettergetgoing.”
Rowangrabsasetofkeysfromabowlonthecounter.“Letmedriveyoutotheairport.”
“Airport?”
Hechuckles.“IristookthejetbacktoChicagoearlier.”
“Shewhat?”
“Lookslikeyou’reflyingcommercialtonight.Youbetterbuyaticketbeforeyoulosethechance.”
I’mstilltryingtowrapmyheadaroundthefactthatIrisisinChicagorightnow.
Whywouldshestay?Younevergaveheragoodreasontoafterthewayyouspoketoher.
Iswallowbackthelumpinmythroat.“Ifuckedup.”
“It’snothingsomegoodgrovelingcan’tfix.”
“Groveling?”
“GetinthecarandI’llexplain.”Hisgrinisworrisome.
Well,shit.Thisisgoingtobeaninterestingcarride.
DoesgrovelingincludementioningtoIrishowIrodeacommercialflightforthefirsttimeinadecadesolelysoIcouldgettohersooner?
Becauseifso,thenthemiddleeconomyseatIwassubjectedtobuyingatthelastminutewaswortheveryexcruciatingminute,seeingasIwasstuckbetweenatoddlerwhowouldn’tstoptalkingandamotherholdingacryinginfant.
MyearsarestillringingbythetimeImakeitbacktoourhouse.
Harrisonopensmydoor,andIgetout.Idon’tthinktoaskhimaboutIrisuntilIwalkintoasilent,darkhouse.
“Iris?”IcalloutasIwalkthroughthehallsfilledwithherplants.
Nooneanswersback.IsearchthewholehousetwicebeforeIcometotheconclusionthatsheisn’there.
“Fuck.”IpulloutmyphoneandcallIris.Notsurprisingly,shedoesn’trespond.
IdialCal’sphonenumbernext,buthedoesn’tpickup.
Me:IsIriswithyou?
Hedoesn’tanswerrightaway,andI’mnotinterestedinsittingaround.ImightaswelldrivetohisplacewhileIwait.
Lessthanthirtyminuteslater,Iparkoutsidehisapartmentanddecidetocallhimagain.Hefinallyanswers,buthisvoiceisgrufferthanusual.
“Whatdoyouwant?”
IseeIrisgottohimfirst.
“Where’sIris?”
Adoorshutsinthebackground.“She’ssleeping.”
“Atyourplace?”Myteethgrindtogether.
“Idon’tthinkitmattersmuchtohersolongasitisn’tyours.”
“Putheronthephone.”
“Shedoesn’twanttotalktoyourightnow.”
“Iwanttohearhertellmethatherself.”
“Man,justlistentome.Gohomeandtakethenighttocooloff.
Bothofyouaretooemotionaltodealwithoneanotherrightnow.”
“Fuckthis.”Ihangupthephone.I’mnotabouttoletCaltellmehowtohandlemywife.Theymightbefriends,butI’mherhusband.
Shebelongsinourhousenomatterhowupsetshemightfeelrightnow.Couplestalkissuesout.Theydon’tneedthird-partymediatorstohandletheirshitforthem.
Cal’sdoormanholdsthedooropenforme.Ipresstheelevatorbuttonandwait,tappingmyloaferagainsttheflooruntilthedoorsslideopen.Theridetothetopisquick.
IknockmyfistagainstCal’sfrontdoor.“Openup.”
“Motherfucker.”Ihearhimgruntbeforethedoorswingsopen.
“Gohome,”heseethesasheshutsthedoor.
Iblockitwithmyfootandthrowitbackopen.“Whereisshe?”
Heshovesme,andIstumbleback.
Iblink.Calpushedme?Hedoesn’ttouchanyone,muchlessthrowhisweightaroundbecauseheispissed.TheonlytimeI’veeverseenhimdosuchathingwasontheiceduringhighschoolhockeygames,anditwasapartofhissport.
Hejabsafingeragainstmychest.“Shedoesn’twanttodealwithyourightnow.”
“Sowhat?Youknowwhat’sbestforher?”
“Oneofushasto,seeingasyousureashelldon’t.Iknewyouweren’tcapableoftakingcareofher.IfreakingknewitandIstillhelpedyou,thinkingmaybeyouwerereallystartingtochange.Thatmaybeyoureallydidloveher.”
“Idoloveher.NotthatIoweyouanyexplanation.”
“No,Declan.Clearlyyoudon’tifyoucalledherafailurelikeeveryotherdisappointingfuckinherlife.”
“Shutyourfuckingmouth.”
“WhyshouldI?It’snotlikeyoueverdothesame.”
Myjawtightens.“Imadeamistake.”
“Amistake?”Helaughs.“Youbelittledyourwifeuntilshefeltasworthlessasyou.Youmadeherfeelsmall,useless,andinsignificant
—allbecauseyoucaremoreaboutyourjobthanthepersonyouclaimtolove.SoallIcansayiscongratulations,Declan.Youspentyourwholelifeprotectingusfromourfather,onlytobecomejustlikehim.”
“Fuckyou.”Ibitedownonmytongueandtasteblood.
Hesalutesmewithhismiddlefingerbeforeslammingthedoorinmyface.
NothingfeelsworsethanreturningtothehousewithoutIris.Defeatpressesagainstmyshoulders,makingeachstepfeelmoredifficultthanthelast.Idragmyselfinsidethedarkhousethatisassilentasatomb.Whatusedtobringmecomfortonlyfillsmewithdreadnow,especiallyknowingwhatIdidtoearnit.I’mstuckreplayingmybrother’swordstofillthesilence.
Youcalledherafailurelikeeveryotherdisappointingfuckinherlife.
Youbelittledyourwifeuntilshefeltasworthlessasyou.
Youspentyourwholelifeprotectingusfromourfather,onlytobecomejustlikehim.
It’sthelastonethathurtsthemost.TohearhowCalthinksofme…
Itmakesmewanttorage.NotbecauseofthesacrificesI’vemade,butbecauseheisright.IfIdon’tcheckmyself,Iwillbecomejustlikemyfather.It’snotlikehestartedoutasacoldbastardeither.Ittookhimtime,andheartbreak,togettoadarkplacefasterthanmost.
Youcanbedifferent.It’snottoolate.
IreleaseadeepbreathasImovetowardthekitchen.Aftermyflightfromhellandmybrother’sconversation,Ihavenoenergytocookanything,butmygrumblingstomachdemandssomekindofnutrition.
Isiftthroughthepantry,turningoverdifferentitemsbeforesettlingonIris’sfavorite.
Pastastraightoutofabox.
ThepressureinmychestintensifiesasIconsiderallthetimesshecookedformeovertheweeks.Itmightnothavebeengourmet,butIdidn’tcaresolongasshekeptmecompany.
CompanyInolongerhavebecauseIdroveheraway.
Isetuptwoplacematswithoutthinkingmuchofit.IttakesmeawholetenminutesbeforeIrealizemymistake,andmythroattightenstothepointofdifficultybreathing.Itrytoeatbuteverythingtasteslikecardboardtome.
ThechurninginmygutgetsprogressivelyworseasIdumpmyhalf-finishedplateofpastainthesinkandgoupstairs.NomatterwhereIgo,Ican’tescapemymistakes.Evenmydamnbedroomisn’tsafe.ThememoriesofIrisassaultmethemomentIenter,withherperfumelingeringintheair.
Herhairtieonthedresser.Somerandomheelleftabandonedinacornerduringahookup.Aframedphotoofusonourweddingday,withhersmilingupatmewhileIscowlatthecamera.
Igripmychest,wishingforthetightnesstostop.MyhandstrembleandItakeafewdeepbreaths,tryingtocurbtheanxietyattackbeforeitstarts.
Youneverdeservedher.
No.Ididn’tyetIwantedheranyway.
Imissmywife.Shebelongsnexttome,complainingabouthowIliketocuddlealthoughshesecretlylovesit.I’ddoanythingtohearhergroanaboutmyalarmclockinthemorningorforthegrumpykissIgetbeforeIcrawloutofbedtogoworkout.
Islideundermycomforteraftermyshowerandstareupattheceiling,surroundedbythesmellofIris’scoconutbodywash.Nopositionfeelscomfortablewithouther.
You’refucked.
Iturnoverforthethirdtimeandstareatthecactussheboughtmetwoyearsago.
Don’tbeaprick.
I’lltry.Justforher.
44
DECLAN
IarriveatCal’sdoorstepat8a.m.withacoffeeinhand,readytotalktoIris.I’mrunningonlimitedsleepandalotofcaffeineafteranendlessnightoftossingandturning.
Mybrotheropensthedoorwearingasuitandtie,whichisoutofthenormgivenhedoesn’tevenhaveajobtogoto
“Whereareyougoing?”
“Work.”Heshutshisfrontdoorandlocksit.
“Sincewhendoyouhaveajob?”
“Sinceyouneededanassistant.”
Mymouthdropsopen.“What?”
“Irisisn’tcomingintoday.”
“Likehellsheisn’t.Hertwoweekshaven’tevenstarted.”
Helaughs.“Maybeyoushouldcheckyouremail.”
IfrownasIpulloutmyphoneandscanmyinbox.“You’rekiddingme.”
“Nope.She’stakingatwo-weekvacation,startingtoday.”
“No,she’snot.”
Heactuallygrins.“Areyougivingmearidetoworkornot?”
“Whyareyouenjoyingthis?”
“Becauseit’snicetowatchsomeonefinallyputyouinyourplace.
Didyoureallythinkyoucouldtalktoherthewayyoudidand
expecthertogointoworkfortwoweeks?”
Mymolarssmashtogether.“Iwanttotalktoher.”
“She’llspeaktoyouwhenshe’sready.”
“ThenIguessI’llbetheonetodothetalkingthen.”Istealhiskeysstraightoutofhishandandunlockthedoorbeforehehasachancetograbthem.
“Dec—”
Islamthedoorinmybrother’sfaceandturnthedeadboltbeforehehasachancetogetin.
“Openthedamndoor!”Hepoundshisfistagainstthewood.
Ithrowhiskeysonthesidetablebeforefollowingthemusicstraighttowardthekitchen.Iris’seyesimmediatelylatchontomine.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Ibroughtyoucoffee.”Istepcloseenoughtopassherthecup.
Shestaresdownatitlikeitmightbepoisonous.“Youcameheretobringmecoffee?”
“No.Icameheretotalktoyou.Coffeeismerelyabribeforyourtime.”
“Idon’twantyourbribes.Notanymore.”
“Fine.Maybelater.”Iplaceitonthecounter.
“ShouldIevenaskhowyougotinhere?”
“IstoleCal’skeysandlockedhimout.”
“Declan—”
“Imissyou.”
“It’sbeenlessthantwenty-fourhourssinceyoulastsawme.”
“Theaddictiongenerunsstronginmyfamily.Takepityonyourhusband.”
Sheonlyscowlsatmyjoke.Irefusetolosehope,althoughthewayshelooksatmemakesmequestionitforamoment.
“Imissyousodamnmuch,Idon’tknowwhattodowithmyself.
Thehouseistooquietandthebathroomisfartooclean.Evenpastadoesn’ttastethesamewithoutyoucookingit.”
“Idon’tcook.Iboil.That’sabigdifferenceaccordingtoyou.”
“Comehome.I’llcookeverydayfortherestofourlivessolongasyouagreetonotleaveagain.”
Hereyesshut.“No.”
Itakeadvantageofherguardbeingdownandwalkuptoher.
Herchinfitsperfectlywithinthepalmofmyhand,andIstrokehercheekwithmythumb.“Please.I’mmiserablewithoutyou.”
Sheblinksupatme.“I’mnotready.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyou’renotready?”Thesickfeelinginmystomachreturnsstrongerthaneverasshepullsoutofmyembrace.Idon’tstopher,althougheverycellinmybodyispushingmetowardherlikeamagnet.
“Ineedtimetothink.”
“What’stheretothinkabout?”
“You.Me.Us.”
“Whataboutus?”
“Whetherornottherewasevenanustobeginwith.”
Mychestachesfromherconfession.Insteadoflingeringonthepainfesteringinsideofmelikesepsis,Ichoosetoignoreit.“Yousignedacontract.”
“Ourdealneversaidanythingaboutbeinginarealrelationship.
Youyourselfcalleditagame.”
“Thisisn’tafuckinggameandyouknowit.”Theideaofherthinkingthatmakesmewanttorage,butIholdback.I’vedoneenoughdamageasitis.
Sheshakesherhead.“Idon’tknowwhattobelieveanymore.”
“Sowhat?Youjustwanttogobacktohowthingswerebeforewefellinlove?”
Hereyesdartaway,andit’swrittenclearasdayacrossherface.
That’sexactlywhatshethought.
Ireleaseabitterlaugh.“Goaheadandtakeyourtime,butnothingisgoingtochangethefactthatyouandIareinevitable.”
Ittakesaridiculousamountofself-controltostepawayfromher,butnothinggoodwillcomeifIkeeppushingheronthis.Shewantshertime,andIplanongivingittoher.Solongasithappensaccordingtomyrules.
CaldropsoffIris’sofficialresignationletterat9a.m.,exactlylikeIrispromised.AftereverythingIwentthroughtopreventitfromhappening,sheisleavinganyway.
Allbecauseofyou.
Calhoversinfrontofme.
Ilookupfromherletter.“Yes?”
“Areyougoingtosignit?”
Iclutchontoherresignationletterwithmytwofists.“Iplanonit.”
Heraisesabrowandmotionstowardthepaper.
“Youcangobacktoyourdesknow.”
“Andmissallthisinternalconflictandangst?Whatdoyoutakemefor?”
“Adeadmanwalking.”
Hegrins.“Watchingyoustruggletocopewithallthisisfartooentertainingtopassup,especiallygivenhowmiserableyoumadeIris.”
“Canyoupleaseleavemealone?I’mnotinthemood.”
Hisbrowsjump,andIrealizemybreakincharacter.Iaskedhimtogo.
EversinceIenteredtheoffice,I’vebeenstuckinaconstantstateofheartburn.NoamountofmeetingsorbusyworkcanstealmymindawayfromtheconversationIhadwithIristhismorning.
IpassbyCal’sdeskinstinctively,halfexpectinghertobethere,onlytoremembershewon’tbereturning.I’msousedtoherbeingaroundthatI’mnotsurehowtohandleherabsence.
“Thisisforthebest.”MybrotherpullsoutIris’susualchair,butIpointtotheotherone.
HeshootsmealookashedropsintotheoneoppositeofIris’sseat.“She’snotcomingback.Savingherchairwon’tchangethat.”
“She’sstillmywife.Thatchairishersregardlessofheroccupationstatus,sousetheotherone.”
“Isshestillyourwife?”
“Getout,”Iseethe.
Heshrugs.“I’mjustasking.”
“No,you’relookingforafight.”
“MaybeIam.Atleastthatwaywecansettlethis.Idon’tlikeworkingwithallthistensionaroundus.”
“Thereisnothingtosettle.Thisisbetweenmeandher,regardlessofwhateverimpressionyoumightbeunder.”
“Shecametomecrying,Declan.I’mnotgoingtosweepthatundertherugbecauseyoudecidedalittletoolatethatyoumadethewrongchoiceandyouwantherback.”
Myfistsclenchagainstmylap.“I’mnotdoingthiswithyou.”
“ThensignthepaperandI’llleave.”
Igrabaninkpentosignherresignationletter,butstopmyself.
Myhandhoversabovetheblanksignaturespot.
Calclearshisthroat.“Ifyoureallyloveher,thenthisneedstobedone.”
“Evenifitfeelswrong?”
“Ofcourseitfeelswrong.You’vebothbeenco-dependentononeanotherforfartoolong.”
“AtleastallthatrehabIpaidfortaughtyousomething.”Evenifitdidn’tkeephimawayfromdrinkingagain,atleasthelearnedathingortwoaboutbadhabits.
Heflipsmeoff.“Thisjobshouldn’tbethethingthatkeepsyoutogetherjustlikeitshouldn’tbethereasonthatdrivesyouapart.So,ifyouwantachanceatasuccessfulmarriage,youneedtolethergoasyouremployee.”
Ipressthepenagainstthepageandsignmynamebesidehers.
“Here.”IshoveitawayfrommebeforeIhaveachancetoshredit.
“It’llbeokay.”
“Itsureasfuckdoesn’tfeelokay.NotwhenitfeelslikeI’mlosingherbeforeIeverevenhadhertobeginwith,”Isnap.
Hisfacesoftens.“It’snottoolatetogetherback.”
“Howdoyouknow?”
“Becauseforsomegoddamnreason,shelovesyoudespiteallthereasonssheshouldn’t.”
“Shenevertoldme.”
“What?”
“Shenevertoldmeshelovedme.”Myvoicedrops.
“Thatdoesn’tmeanshestillcan’t.”HeleavesmyofficewithIris’ssignedresignationletter.
IpulloutmyphonebeforeIcanstopmyself.I’mnotgoingtogobackonmydealtogiveIrisspace,butthatdoesn’tmeanIneedtobesilentwhiledoingso.
IpullupourchatandtextherasinglewordtoexpresshowIfeel.
Me:Litost1.
IincludeaphotoofheremptychairtoexpressthesufferingIfeelatthereminderofhowlonelyIamwithouther.
Shedoesn’trespond.Ididn’texpectherto,butitstillmakesmychestheavyanyway.
Itrytogetbacktowork,butmymindkeepsdriftingbacktomyrelationship.Mybraincan’tseemtoconcentrateonanyactualwork,nomatterhowhardItry.Insteadofpushingmyself,IshutmycomputeroffandspendtherestofmyworkdaythinkingofhowexactlyIcangetIrisback.
Cal’swordsfromearlierseemtoechoinmyhead.
Shelovesyoudespiteallthereasonssheshouldn’t.
ButwhatifIgaveherallthereasonssheshould?
1?Noun,Czech:Astateofagonyortorment.
45
IRIS
Ispendmyfirstvacationdaydoingabsolutelynothing.ItshouldbeincredibleandeverythingIhopeditwouldbe,butIcan’tgetpastthefactthatIquitmyjob.Andinabigway,IfeellikeIquitDeclantoo.
Istareupattheceilingforwhatfeelslikehours,tryingtodecidewhattodo.TheurgetocheckinonCalisalmostasstrongasthedesiretoreplytoDeclan’smessage.HowcouldInotafterhesentmeaphotoofmychairandawordthattranslatesintosomethingalongthelinesoffeelingmiserable
Idon’tknowwhattodowithallthefeelingshittingmeallatonce.WhileIfeelangryatDeclanforhowheactedatDreamland,Ifeelequallyguiltytoknowheissufferingbecauseofme.I’mnotthekindofpersonwholikesholdinggrudges.Theymakemenauseous,irritable,andanxioustothepointofneedingaXanax.
Itrytodistractmyselfbyupdatingmyresume.I’drathermakemyselfusefulinsteadofwallowinginmyfeelings,althoughthetaskismoreemotionallydrainingthanIthoughtasIreviewmyjobhistoryasDeclan’sassistant.IstopscrollingatmyleastfavoritesectionofmyresumetitledPreviousEducation.Itremainsempty,withonlyamentionofahighschooldiplomaIearned.
TheshameIusuallyfeelknowingIneverwenttocollegeisn’tpresentanymore,whichshocksme.Ispentyearsavoidingconversationswithotheremployeesaboutmydegreesandwhatmyqualificationswere.Myself-consciousnessaboutmylackofexperienceplaguedme,soIworkedtoshoweveryonearoundmethatIwasn’tafailure.
Declan’spreviouswordshurtforamultitudeofreasons,butmaybethebiggestonehasnothingtodowithhim.Becausedeepdown,Iamafailure,butnotinthewaypeopleassumeofme.
Ifailedtofacemyfears.Instead,Ispentyearstyingmyworthtomyposition,andnowthatIdon’thaveit,Ifeellost.Iputoffgoingtoschoolandplayeditsafe.AndevenwhenItookariskandappliedtotheHRdepartment,itwasstillmetryingtostaywithinmycomfortzone.
IavoidedgoingbacktoschoolbecauseIwasscaredoffailure.
Andinsteadoffacingthatfear,Ifellintoarut.OnethathasbeengoingoneversinceIgraduatedhighschoolatnineteen.ThesameonethatwillcontinuetohappensolongasIkeepallowingmypastinsecuritiestoruleovermycurrentdecisions.
You’renotthatgirlanymore.Youdon’tneedtoproveyourworthtoanyonebutyourself.
That’sthething.IamfinallyreadytoprovethattheonlylimitationsIhavearetheonesIsetformyself.
IclosemybrowserandopenupanewonesoIcansearchforlocaluniversities.Iftheoldmecouldseemenow,shemighthaveaheartattack.NeverdidIthinkIwouldwillinglyapplyforacollegedegree.
Youthinkthatwouldgiveheraheartattack?Youmarriedyourbossforaninheritancethatisn’tevenyours.
IshovethoughtsofDeclanaside.IfIwanttogetanythingdonetoday,thelastthingIshouldbedoingisthinkingabouthim,nomatterhowmuchIwantto.
IpullupafreshExceldocumentandgetstartedonanewprosandconslistfocusedonschools,programs,andtuitioncosts.Afterthat,IcreateatasklistofthingsIneedtodobeforeIcanevenapply,includingstudyingfortheSATs.
BythetimeCalcomeshomefromhisfirstdayofwork,I’msureofonething:I’mgoingbacktoschool.
Myphonebuzzeswithanewmessage.Iswipeitoffthecounterandunlockthescreentofindit’sfromDeclan.
Declan:Saudade1
Aphotoloadsofourkitchenisland.MyplacematissetupbesidehisasifImightshowupatanysecondtojoinhimwhileheeatshispasta.Thisisthethirdnightinarowhe’ssentmeasimilarphoto,eachwithadifferentwordallfollowingthesamekindoftheme.
Longing.Sadness.Regret.
MaybeDeclanisn’ttheonlyonesufferingfromsaudade.FromthewaymychestachesasIobsessoverhistext,I’mhitwiththeurgetogohome.
Home.
Shit.Sincewhendidhishousestartfeelinglikehome?
Sinceyoustartedfallinginlovewithhim.
Mythroattightens,andIstruggletotakedeepbreaths.
“What’swrong?”Calwalksintothekitchen.
“Nothing.”
“Declansentyouanothermessage?”
Isigh.“Yes.”
“Haveyouansweredhimyet?”
“No.”AlthoughIwantto.Ireallyfreakingwantto,buttherationalpartofmeholdsback,askingquestionsthatstopme.
Whatifhemessesupagain?
Whatifheisonlychasingaftermebecausehewantstoearnhisinheritance?
WhatifIchoosetofallinlovewithhimdespiteallthewarningsigns,knowinghecouldhurtmealloveragain?
Myheadisamesswithquestionsthathavenorealanswers.
“Doyouwanttotalktohim?”
IavoideyecontactasIanswer,“No.”
“Youmisshim.”Hestatesitlikeafact.
“OfcourseImisshim.ImisshimsodamnmuchitmakesmesicktomystomachbecauseIfeelguiltyforwantinghiminthefirstplace.”
“Thenwhydon’tyouspeaktohim?”
“BecauseItrustedmyheartbeforeandlookwhereitgotme.
NowI’mdoubtingeverything.Ifthisiswhatlovefeelslike,thenIdon’twantitbecauseitreallyfuckinghurts.”Myeyesfillwithtears.
Calpullsmeintoahug.“Everythingisgoingtobeokay.”
“Howcanyoubesosure?”Hischestmufflesmyreply.
“BecauseifDeclanlovesyouhalfasmuchasyoulovehim,thenhewillstopatnothingtomakethisright.”
Aftermybreakdownyesterday,Idecidetovisittheonepersonwhounderstandsmemost.Maybemymomcanhelpmegetabetterunderstandingoftheemotionsplaguingme.Althoughshedoesn’tknowthewholestoryaboutmymarriage,sheknowsenoughaboutrelationshipstohelpmeunderstandmine.
Herclassroomhasn’tchangedovertheyears.Itstillsmellslikeoldpaintwithahintofglue,anditremindsmeofafternoonsspentcoloringwhilesheranherafter-schoolprogram.
“Well,isn’tthisasurprise.”Shereturnsmyhugwithasqueeze.
“Iwantedtoseeyou.”
“Whathappened?”Sheshootsmethesamelookshealwaysdoeswhensomethingisup.
“Nothing…”
Shelaughsasshepatsoneoftheclassroombenches.“Sit.”Shepassesmeablankcoloringpageandapackofcoloredpencils.
Thisishowthingsalwaysworkedbetweenus.Colorandconfessshewouldalwayscallit,seeingasshealwaysgotmetobreakdowneventually
“AsmuchasIloveyoustoppingbytoseeme,Ican’thelpbutwonderwhy.”
“DoIneedanexcusetocomevisitmymother?”
“Seeingasyouhaven’tvisitedmyclassroomforthreeyears,yesyoudo.”
Isigh.
“Thatbad,huh?”
MyheaddropsasIstaredownatmyhands.“DeclanandIgotintoafightlastweek.”
“Ahh.Iassumedasmuch.”
“Thingsgotabittoorealandhonest,ifyouknowwhatImean.”
Thefewwrinklesbyhereyestighten.“Hesaidsomethingsthathurtyou.”
Igiveheranabridgedversionofourfight,mainlyfocusingonourissueswithworkandhowthatbledintoourpersonallife.
“Ican’thelpbutwonder…”MyvoicetrailsoffasIconsiderhowtophrasemyworry.
“Whetherhemightturnouttobelikeyourfather,”shefinishesforme.
“Yes.”
Sheputsherhandovermine,stoppingmycoloring.“It’sanormalfearaftereverythingyou’vewitnessedbetweenyourfatherandme,butyouneedtounderstandthatcouplesfight.It’sapartofanyhealthyrelationship.Thatdoesn’tmeantheotherpersonshouldevertalkdowntoyouorintentionallyhurtyou,butpeoplemakemistakes.Thisisn’tgoingtobethefirstorlasttimeDeclansayssomethinghedoesn’tmeanintheheatofthemoment.Butsolongasheissorry—andImeantrulysorry—thenyouneedtolearnhowtoforgivehim.”
“Easyforyoutosay.”
Shegivesmyhandasqueeze.“Learninghowtoforgiveisjustasimportantasaskingforitinthefirstplace.”
1?Noun,Portuguese:Afeelingoflonging,melancholy,desire,andnostalgia.
46
DECLAN
Likeclockwork,IsendIrisanothermessageinthemorning.IattachaphotoofusattheBotanicGardenwithawordthatdescribestheexactyearningIfeelforher.
Me:Sehnsucht1
IstareatmyphonescreenforfarlongerthanIshould,waitingforareplythatnevercomes.Myheartshrinksinmychestwitheachignoredmessage.
Youcaneithergetupsetormoveforwardwiththeplan.
Itakeadeepbreath,shutdownmycomputer,andlockupmyoffice
“Whereareyougoing?”Callooksupfromthecomputer.
“I’mtakingtherestofthedayoff.”
“What?”
“Pleasecancelmyappointmentsfortheremainderoftheworkday.Iwon’tbeavailable.”
“Alleightofthem?”
“Isthataproblem?”
“No,but—”
“Great.Seeyoutomorrow.”Imakemywaytowardtheexitbeforestoppingtolookbackatmybrother,whosemouthisstillhangingopen.“Thanksforhelpingmeout.Iknowyoudon’thaveto,butIappreciateyousteppinginforIrisnonetheless.”
“I’mdoingitforIris.Notyou.”
“Iknow,whichiswhyIappreciateitevenmore.”Ileavetheofficewithmyheadheldhighandreadytopushmyplanintoaction.
HarrisonandIdrivearoundallofChicagoasIsearchshelteraftershelterfortheperfectdog.Iriswasspecificaboutherrequirements,andIdon’tplanonscrewingthemup.Myenthusiasmdwindleswitheachshelterthatcomesupempty,andbythetenthone,I’mlosinghope.
“Maybewecantryagaintomorrow,sir.”Harrisonholdsthecardooropenforme.
Ireleaseaheavysigh.Thisisanintegralpartofmyplan,andI’malreadyfailing.Howhardcanitbetofindabig,fluffydogwhowillfollowIrisaroundeverywhere?
Damnnearimpossibleitseems.
Ipullupmyphoneandlookupthenextshelteronmylist.“Let’stryonemoreandthenI’llcallitaday.”
Harrisondrivesmetothelastone.It’snotinthebestpartoftown,soIdon’tplanonstayinglongsinceHarrisonandtheMaybachmightnotbeherebythetimeIgetout.
AbellringsabovemeasIenterthebuilding.Theonlyemployeeintheplacedoesn’tlookupfromhermagazine.
“Hello.”Istopatthecounter.
Sheblowsabubblewithhergumbeforepoppingit.“We’reclosed.”
Icheckthesignonthefront.“You’restillopenforanotherthirtyminutes,sotryagain.”
Hereyeswidenbeforenarrowing,asifsherecognizesmefromsomewherebutcan’tpindownwhere.“HowcanIhelpyou?”
“I’mlookingforabig,fluffydogthathasseparationanxiety.”
“That’soddlyspecific.”
“Tellmeaboutit.Doyouhaveanydogthatfitsmydescription?”
“Umm…notthatIknowof.”
Thelastounceofhopedrainsfromme.I’llregroupandtryagaintomorrowonceI’vehadagoodnight’srest.OratleastasgoodasIcangetwithIrisontheothersideofChicago,sleepinginmybrother’sapartment.
Iknockmyhandagainstthecounter.“Isee.Thanksforyourtimethen.”
“Doyouwanttotakealookoutbackjustincase?”
Iopenmymouthtosayno,butIthinkbetterofit.
Youdiddriveallthisway.Youmightaswellgocheckouttheplacewhileyou’rehere.
“Fine.Leadtheway.”
Sheshowsmetothebackroom.Kennelslinethewalls,stuffedwithdogsandotheranimalsallwaitingforanewhome.SomecowerinthecorneroftheircageasIwalkpastthemwhileothershissorbarkinmydirection.
“Seeanyyoulike?”
“No.”Allofthemareeithertoosmall,toowellgroomed,ortooscarytobedeemedappropriate.
Adogbarksfromthefarthestcage.
“What’sthat?”
“Thatpenisreservedforthedogbeingpreppedforeuthanasia.
He’sprobablyabitanxiousaboutbeingseparatedfromeveryoneelse.”
“Youplanonkillinghim?
“Wedon’thaveenoughroomormoneytohouseallofthem,sooncetheyreachacertainamountoftimependingadoption…Youknow.”
Jesus.Itakeasteptowardthefinalcage.Twodarkeyeslookupatme,barelyobservablefrombehindamopofwhiteandgrayhaircoveringhim.
“Whatbreedisthis?Polarbear?”
Shecomesoverandchecksthenameplate.“Theythinkhe’sanOldEnglishSheepdog.HardtotellwithoutDNAtesting.”
Helooksoldallright.Basedonthecard,hisestimateddateofbirthwasmorethanfiveyearsago.That’spracticallyancientindogyears.
“Canyoulethimout?”
“Areyousure?He’sabit…restless.”Withthewayhereyeskeepdartingaroundtheroom,onewouldthinksherequiressomekindoftaserwandtohandleadog.
“Justopenitup.”
Sheshrugsbeforeunlockingthecage.Thedogbarrelsoutlikeabulletbeforeslammingintome.Itrytocatchmyselfbutendupfallingflatonmyassasthedoglicksmyentirefacefromchintohairline.It’sabsolutelyrepulsive,yetIcan’thelplaughingwhenherepeatsthegestureontheothersideofmyface,leavingnoareaunlicked.
“Thisoneisbeingputdowntomorrow?”
“Firstthinginthemorning.”
Thedogwhimpersasifhecanunderstandtheconversation.Hetakesaseatonmylaplikeasmalldog,onlytocrushmycockbeneathhisweight.
Ipushhimoffmeandstand.“Noonewantedtoadopthim?”
“Nope.”Shereviewshiscardagain.“Oh,look.Hesuffersfromabandonmentissuesanddoesn’tlikebeingleftaloneformorethanafewhoursatatime.Ifheis,hemighttearintoyourfavoritecouchorpeeonyourrug.”
Great.Mysterysolved.
Heblinksupatmelikehesilentlypromisestobeonhisbestbehavior.I’mhavingahardtimebelievinghimbasedonthewayhedroolsallovermyshoeslikehewantstomakethemhisnewfavoritechewtoy.
“Ithinkthat’stheclosestthingI’mgoingtogettoseparationissues.”
“So,you’lltakehim?”
“Sure.Getmethepaperwork.”
I’mnowtheproudfatherofaclingydogwhowillmostlikelydestroymyhomebeforeIriseverhasachancetocomebacktoit.
Perfect.Justperfect.
Thenextday,Ishowuptoworkwiththedogwhohasyettobenamed.AfterhedestroyedmyfavoriteloaferwhileIwasoutonmyeveningrun,hecan’tbetrustedaroundnicethings.Bringinghimtotheofficeisatemporarysolution.OneIneedtofixsoononceIfindtheappropriatedoggydaycaretotrainhim.
“Whatisthat?”Calstopsbymyofficedoor.
“Adog.”Idon’tlookupfrommycomputer.
Thedogbarksinreply.Hetriestobreakfreefromhisleashattachedtomydeskbutfails.
“Iseethat,butwhyisithere?Inyouroffice?”
“Hehasattachmentissues.”
Thedogbarksagaininagreement.
“Isheyours?”Caltakesahesitantsteptowardit.
“AndIris’s.”
“Tellmeyoudidn’tgetheradogbecauseyouthoughtitwouldmakeherhappy.”
“Okay.Iwon’t.”
Herubshisface.“Shit.”
“Ifyou’regoingtojudgemyplan,youmightaswellgetbacktowork.I’malreadystressedasitis.”BetweenfieldingnewtempsforIris’spositionandsortingthroughtherestofmyplan,I’mspreadthin.
“Whatevenisyourplan?”
Myeyesnarrow.“Whydoyoucare?”
“BecauseI’myourbrotherandIfeelobligatedtohelpyoubeforeyoudosomethingdrastic.”
“Istheresomethingconsideredmorerashthanadoptingadog?”
“Isureashelldon’twanttofindout.”Hepatsthedog’shead.
Iglareathim.“Ithoughtyouwereangrywithme.”
“Iam,butIwantwhat’sbestforIris,evenifthathappenstobeyou.”
“Thanksalotforthebackhandedcompliment,asshole.”
Heshrugs.“Likeyouneedanymoreself-esteemboosting.”
“Seeingasmywifewantsnothingtodowithme,IcoulduseallthehelpIcanget.”
“Whoknewyoubeinginlovewouldmakeyouthispathetic?”
“Ifyouthinkthisispathetic,waituntilyouseewhatIhaveplannednext.”
1?Noun,German:Longing,desire,yearning,orcraving
47
IRIS
“Arewealmostthere?”
WhenCalaskedmetogoonanerrandwithhim,Ithoughthemeantaquicktriptothegrocerystore.Wehavelongpassedthegrocerystoreandanysignofcivilization.
“Yes.”Hetapsthesteeringwheeltothebeatofthemusicstreamingfromtheradio.
“Itfeelslikewe’vebeengoingaroundincirclesforhours.”
Helaughs.“It’sbeenthirtyminutes.Max.”
Alightningboltcutsacrossthesky.“It’sabouttorain.”
“Howconvenient,”hereplieswithadryvoice.
“Areyougoingtotellmewhatyouhaveplannedorareyoustickingwiththeelementofsurpriseonthisone?”
“I’mnottheonesurprisingyou.”
“What?”
Hepullsoverandunlocksthedoors.“Getout.”
“Areyoujoking?”
“Unfortunatelynot.AlthoughI’msureyouwishIwas.”
Idon’tmoveamuscle.Calhopsoutofthecarandcirclesaroundthehoodtoopenmydoor.“Comeon.”
“We’reinthemiddleofnowhere.”
“Stopbeingdramatic.WepassedaStarbuckstenminutesago.”
“Whyareweevenhere?”I’mtooshockedtodoanythingbutfollowhimoutofthecar.
“Justgivehimasecond.”
“Tellmeyoudidn’tsetmeup.”Ilookaround,tryingtofindthehimCalspeaksof.
MycommentgoesunansweredasCaljumpsintohiscaranddoesadramaticU-turnawayfromme.Histiressquealasheacceleratesdowntheroad,leavingmechokingoncarexhaust.
“Whatthehell?”Igrabmyphonefrommypurseanddialhisnumber.
Thedicksendsmestraighttovoicemail
Istarttalkingthemomentitbeepstoleaveamessage.“Youbetterhaveagoodreasonforditchingmelikethis—”
Myrantiscutoffbyacardrivingdowntheroad.I’veseenenoughcrimedocumentariestoknownothinggoodcomesfromhitchhikingwithastranger.Isearchtheperimeterforsomewheretohide,exceptI’msurroundedbyflatlandandafewpiecesofgarbage.“Fuck.Cal,I’mgoingtokillyoutonightinyoursleep.
Deadoralive.”
Asthecargetscloser,Irealizeitisn’tacaratall,butawhiteminivan.Onethatlooksawfullysimilartothoseserialkillervanseveryonewarnswomentostayawayfrom.Myheartpoundsharderagainstmychest,fightingforawaytogetout
Icrossmyfingersandwhisper,“Pleasedon’tbeanaxmurderer.
Pleasedon’tbeanaxmurder—”
Istartleatthesoundofahornfollowedbyaloudbark.
“Needaride?”
MyeyeswidenatthesoundofDeclan’svoice.“Nofuckingway.”
Ibitedownonmytongueandametallictasteimmediatelyfloodsmymouth.
Iguessthisisreallyhappening.
Declanstepsoutofthevehiclewearinghisbestsuit.“IhavesomewhereIneedtobe,soifyouwantaride,you’regoingtoneedtohopin.”Heleansagainstthehoodofthecarlikethisisn’ttheweirdestsituationever.
IopenmymouthtoaskwhyCalsetmeup,onlytobecutoffbyaclapoflightning.
Heraisesabrow.“So,arewegoingordoyouwanttogetelectrocuted?”
Istompmywaytowardthepassengersideandopenthedoor.
“DropmeoffatStarbucksdowntheroad.”
“I’mgoingintheoppositedirection.”
“ThenmakeaU-turn.”Itakeaseatbeforetheskyopensupaboveus.
Hedoesn’tanswermeasheshutsmydoorwithasmallsmile.
“What—”Myreplyiscutoffbyadogbarking.
Icheckoutthebackseatandfindamassivedogattachedtosomekindofanimalcarseat.Heiscoveredinfurfromheadtopaws,andIcanbarelymakeouthiseyesduetohisgiantpoof.I’msurprisedhecanevenfitinthebackseatbasedonthesheersizeofhim.
“Whosedogisthat?”Iaskwhenheopenshisdoor.
“Ours.”
“Ours?!”
Thedogbarkswithareply.
I’mnotevengoingtotouchthatcomment.Instead,IsearchthedirectionsforthenearestStarbucksonmyphone.“Takemehere.”
Hecompletelyignoresmymapasheturnsintheoppositedirection.
“Declan!”
“IknowIdon’tdeserveitbutgivemetenminutesofyourtime.”
I’mthrownbackintothememoryofthelasttimeheaskedfortenminutesbutgavemetenwordsinstead.
Iamfallinginlovewithyou,IrisElizabethKane.
Thememorymakesmecompliantenoughtokeepquietashedrivesusdowntheroad.Graycloudspartaboveus.Rainfallsagainstthewindshield,andDeclanisforcedtoturnonthewiperstoseeclearly.
Thedogwhimpersatthesoundofthunder.“Whatmadeyougetadog?”
“Yousaidyouwantedone.”
Mymouthdropsopen,andnowordscomeout.
“Ittookmeelevenshelterstofindtheonethatfityourexactrequirements,butsomehowIpulleditoff.Ijusthopeyoulikehimbecausethereisnowayheisevergoingbacktothatgod-awfulplace.Theywouldhaveputhimdownifitweren’tforme.”
AlaughburstsoutofmebeforeIcanswallowit.WhenImadeupthestoryofthedog,IneverreallythoughtDeclanwouldactuallygooutandfindoneforme.Letaloneadoptonethatisthesizeofabear.
“Whywouldyoudothat?”Myvoicecrackingmirrorsmyresolve.
“Whynot?Youwantedit,soImadeithappen.”
“Andtheminivan?”
“Ithoughtwemightaswellhaveonereadytogoforallthekidsyouwantoneday.”
Myvisionturnsmisty.“Youcan’tpossiblymeanthat.”
“Ido,andIplanonshowingyou.”Hestayssilentashepressesafootontheaccelerator.
Therestoftherideisabumpyone.I’mgratefulwhenDeclanstopsthevanbeforeIthrowupfromcarsickness.Heparksusinfrontofanoldfarmhousewithboarded-upwindowsandaporchthatlooksaboutreadytocollapse.Withthewayhegetsoutofthecarwithoutanumbrella,Icouldalmostforgetit’sraining
Hedoesn’tseemtheleastbitbotheredbyitasheopensmydoorandholdsouthishand.“Comewithme.”
Iblinkupathim.“It’sraining.”
“Iknow.That’skindofthepoint.”Hegrabsontomyhandandtugsmeoutofthecar.
Raindropssplashagainstmyskin.Declanleadsmeawayfromthecar,althoughwedon’tmakeitveryfarbeforehestopsinfrontoftheworn-downporch.Waterclingstohishair,skin,andclothes.I’mnotsureIlookanybetterwiththewaymyT-shirtisplasteredagainstmybody.I’mtemptedtoseekshelterontheporch,butthewoodlookswarpedanddecayedfromyearsofneglect.
“Whatisthisplace?”
“Onesecond.”
“Sure,I’lljustwaitwhileIcatchpneumonia.”
Hishandgrippingontominetugsandrotatesmystackofringsuntiltheybothslipoff.
AnunbearabletightnessinmychestintensifiesasIcheckoutmyringlessfinger.“Wait—”
Declanpullsoutaringboxfromhisjacketandgetsdownononeknee.Hisfaceremainsablankcanvas,completelydevoidofanyvisibleemotionashelooksupatme.
Myheartpoundsagainstmychestashelatchesontomylefthand.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“ProposingtoyouinthemiddleofarainstorminaTomFordsuit.”
Oh.My.God.
Noway.ThereisnofreakingwayheisrecreatingthestoryImadeup.
Right?
Wrong.Hepopsopentheringbox,andIgasp.Evenwithoutthesunshiningdownonit,IcantellheboughtthemostbeautifulemeraldringI’veeverseen.
“Iris.”
“Yes?”Idragmyeyesawayfromtheringandbacktowardhisface.
Hishandholdingontominetrembles,andIknowithasnothingtodowiththerain.Igivehimareassuringsqueeze.Hemumblessomethingthatsoundslikeheregoesnothing,andmychestcavesinonitselfathisdisplayofvulnerability.
“Ya’aburnee1.Asinyouburyme.AroughtranslationforthewayIwanttoleavethisworldbeforeyoubecauseIcan’timaginehavingtogothroughasingledaywithoutyouinit.Ifthislastweekwasapreviewofthatkindoflife,thenIcanassureyouitisn’talifeworthliving.You’remywifeandmybestfriend.Thefuturemotherofmychildrenandtheoneplacethattrulyfeelslikehome.You’rethewomanIwanttospendtherestofmylifewith,notbecauseyousignedacontract,butbecauseyoulovemeenoughtostaywithoutone.
“Iwanttobethekindofmanwhoisworthyofawomanlikeyou
—ifit’sevenpossible.Ipromisetoworkeverydamndaytomakesureyoudon’tregretmarryingsomeoneasmiserableasme.BecausewhenI’mwithyou,I’mnotmiserableatall.Youmakemehappyinawaythatmakesmeafraidtoblinkjustincaseitalldisappears.”
Thevulnerabilityofhiswordstugsateverysingleoneofmyheartstrings.
“I’llgiveyouanythingyouwant—anythingatall—solongasyougivemeachancetomakeyouashappyasyoumakeme.Adog.
Afamily.Ahome.Iwantitall.Thesearemytermsandconditions,takeitorleaveitbecauseI’mnotopentonegotiations.”
“Onlyyoucouldmakeaproposalsoundlikeabusinessacquisitionandgetawaywithit.”
“Marryme.”Heorderswithasmilethatcouldmakemeagreetojustaboutanything.
“Iammarriedtoyou.”Mytearsmixwithraindrops,andI’mnotsurewhereonebeginsandtheotherends.
“Marrymeforrealthistime.Nocontract.Noinheritance.Noexpectationsotherthanforyoutolovemedespiteallthereasonsyouprobablyshouldn’t.”
Hedoesn’tsayanythingelseashelooksupatme.Emotionsflickeracrosshisfacelikeamoodring,switchingfromhappinesstofear.TheheavyrainslowlyturnstoalightsprinkleasIstareathim.
Tomarryhimagainmeanstotrusthimwithmyheart,knowinghecanbreakit.Itmeansgivinghimafairchancetolearnfromhismistakesandbecomeabettermaninlightofthem.Marriageisn’teasybutneitherislife,andIcan’timaginedoingeitherwithoutDeclan.Luckily,Idon’thaveto.
“Yes.”Theresponsecomesoutasawhisper,soIspeakfirmer,
“Yes.Iwanttomarryyou.”
Mylegstremblefromthesmileonhisfaceasheslidesthenewringupmyfinger.Thediamondssurroundthegreengemstonelikesunrays,shiningasthesunfinallybeamsdownonus.
“Thosewerethemostexcruciatingthirtysecondsofmylife.”
Ilaugh.“Servesyourightaftereverythingyouputmethrough.”
Hestandsandpullsmeintohisarms.Hislipsslamagainstmine,stealingmyabilitytobreatheashekissesmewitheveryounceofloveinhim.Declan’sembracefeelslikecominghome.Mytoestingleandmychestwarms,andIgetallexcitedashislipspresssoftlyagainstmineinasilentapology.
Ourkissgoesonforwhatfeelslikehours.Bythetimewebreakapart,bothofusaresoakedtothebonealthoughtherainhasofficiallystopped.
Thewayhelooksatmesendsanothershiverdownmyspine.Itakeastepback,knowingwhatalooklikethatmeans.
Iclearmythroat.“Areyougoingtotellmewhatwe’redoingouthereinthemiddleofnowhere?”
“Showingyouournewhome.”
“Ournewwhat?”Igapeatthehouse.Iusethetermloosely,seeingastheplacelookslikeithasbeenabandonedforyears.
“Letmeshowyousomething.”Heclutchesontomyhandaswecirclearoundthebackofthehouse.
“No.Freaking.Way.”Iblink.
Hesmiles.“Doyoulikeit?”
Itakeasteptowardastunninggreenhouse.Unlikethehousebehindus,thegreenhouselookslikesomeonerecentlycametotakecareofit.Thespotlessglassshines,givingmeagoodideaoftheemptyspaceinside.
Iwouldneedtobuyhundredsofplantstofillit.Maybeevenathousand.
Declanpullsmeagainsthischestsohecanlayhischinonmyshoulder.“Ithoughtaboutlettingyoupickaplace,butwhenmyrealestateagentsentmethislisting,Iknewitwastheone.Idroveoutthesamedaytocheckitoutandputanofferonit.”
“Why?”Icroak.
“BecausethereisnothingIwantmorethantoturnahouseintoahomewithyou.”
DeclanneedstocomewithawarningsignbecauseI’msusceptibletoswooningwheneverheisaround.
“It’sbeautiful.”
Hisarmstightenaroundme.“Wanttocheckitout?”
“Canwe?”
Hegrinsashestepsawayfrommeandopensthedoor.Ispendthenextfiveminutesexploringtheplace,catalogingjusthowmuchspaceIwouldhave.
“IthinkI’minheaven.”Itrailafingeracrossanemptytablewaitingtobecoveredwithpots.
“SoItakeitthatyoulikeit?”Hisconfidentvoicedoesn’tmatchthehesitantlookinhiseyes.
He’snervous.
AnxiousDeclanismyfavoriteDeclanbecauseit’stheversionofhimnooneelseknowsabout.Hetriessohardtohideitfromeveryoneelse,butaroundme,hedoesn’tminddroppinghisguard.
Itmakesmychestallwarmandtinglytoknowhetrustsmeenoughtosharethatpartofhimself.Becausetosomeonelikehimwhogrewupthinkingemotionswereweaknesses,itprobablymeanssomuchmorethanIcouldeverimagine.
Iwalkovertohimandwrapmyhandsaroundhisneck.“Iloveitsomuch.”
“Good.Becauseifmyproposaldidn’twork,thiswasmynextbestoptiontoconvinceyoutomarryme.”
Ismackhiswetchest.“Youcan’tbuypeople’slovelikethat.”
Hiseyestwinkle.“Idon’twantotherpeople’slove.Iwantyours.”
“Youalreadyhaveit.”
Heblinks.
Istandonthetipsofmytoessomylipshoveroverhis.
“Daisuki.”Ipressmymouthagainsthis,andhereleasesashudderybreath.“Szeretlek.”HegroansasIdeepenthekiss,onlytopullawaybreathlessnotaminutelater.“Ichliebedich.”Irepeatthesamethreewordshewhisperedtomebackwhenhemadelovetome.
Hiseyesshutasifheisexperiencingasensoryoverload.
“Iloveyou,”IfinishinEnglish,justtogetmymessageacrossbecauseImostlikelyruinedthepronunciationofallthewords.
“Sayitagain.”Hisdarkeningeyeslingeronmymouth.
“I.Love.You.”
Hekissesthetopofmyforehead.Thepainetchedintohisfacegutsme,knowinghespentthirty-sixyearsofhislifebelievinghe
wasunlovable—allbecauseofhisshitty,abusivefather.
Icuphischeek.“Iwillalwaysloveyou.Today.Tomorrow.
Forever.”
“Yousaythatnow…”Hisvoicedriftsoffashiseyesdartaway.
Mychestclenches.“AndI’llsayiteverydayuntilyoufinallybelieveit.”
“Itcouldtakeforever.”
Itracehisweddingbandwiththetipofmyfinger.“It’sagoodthingallwehaveistime.”
1?Arabic:“Youburyme.”
EPILOGUE
IRIS
OneYearLater
“Ishebusy?”IstopinfrontofDeclan’sassistant’sdesk.
“Goonin.”Heshakeshisheadwithasmilebeforereturninghisattentiontohiscomputerscreen.
IwalkuptoDeclan’sofficedoorandknockafistagainstthewoodlikeI’vedonehundredsoftimesbefore.Hisdeeprumbleofavoicemakesitpastthedoor,andIopenitbeforehehasachancetoprotest.
“ItoldyouIdon’twanttobedisturb—”Hisvoicedropsoffasoureyesconnect.Thefrownonhisfacequicklymorphsintohissignaturesmallsmilethatmakesmeweakintheknees.
Mylegswobble,andInearlyrollmyanklebeforerightingmyself.
HestandsandhelpsmeintomychairbeforeIdosomethingunfortunatelikelandface-firstagainstthecarpet.ThewayheactseversinceIannouncedIwaspregnantmakesmefeellikehewon’trestuntilI’mpermanentlyprotectedinbubblewrap.
“Itoldyoutostopwearingthosedeathtrapsweeksago.”EversinceDeclanreadonehorrorstoryaboutapregnantwomanandheels,hehasn’tletthesubjectgo.I’mafraidIwillcomehomeone
daytoanemptyclosetandafireplaceburningwithallmyprizedpossessions.
“IwanttoenjoymyshoeswhileIcanstillseethem.”Ipatmysmallbabybump.
“They’redangerous.”
“I’vebeenwalkingaroundinheelssinceIwasatoddleranddiscoveredmymother’scloset.Don’tinsultmelikethat.”
Hepresseshislipsagainstthetopofmyhead.“How’smyfavoritegirl?”
Ialmostcorrecthimbutholdback.
Don’truinthesurprise.
“Iwokeupwithoutrunningtothetoilet,soIcounttodayasasuccessworthcelebrating.”IplacethetakeoutbagfromourfavoriteItalianrestaurantonDeclan’sdesk.
Helaughsashetakesaseatinhischairacrossfromme.“Whatdidthedoctorsayaboutyourmorningsickness?”
“HeassuredmetheconstantnauseaistemporaryandthatitshouldclearupsoonifI’mlucky.Hesaidif,notwhen.If!”
“What’sthepointofcallingitmorningsicknessifitlastsallday?”
“Becausefalseadvertisingworkswondersonna?vewomenlikeme.”
Declanchuckles.Myheartbeatsharderagainstmychestashegrabsthepaperbag.
Hehaltsrightbeforeopeningit,andInearlygroan.
Calmdownbeforehegetssuspicious.
PlanningasurprisearoundDeclan’sbackishardwork.Hehasmadeitapointtocometoeverydoctor’sappointment,soIhadtoworkmymagicwithhisassistanttobookhisschedulesolid.PoorJeffhadtodealwithhisangerallmorning.
I’llmakesurehegetsanicebonusforhissacrifice.
“Didanythingelsecomeup?”
Ishakemyhead.“Nope.Everythingisallgood,althoughIgainedtenpoundsalready.”
Hisgrinwidens.Myeyesnarrow,whichonlymakeshimlaugh.
“GoodtoknowI’vebeenfeedingyouwell.”
“Feedingme?Morelikespoilingme.”Declancomeshomebydinnertimeeverynightjusttocookmeabalancedmeal.Atfirst,Ithoughtitwasaone-timething,buthehasmadeitapointtobehomeby7p.m.everyday.
“Getusedtoit.”
“Forhowlong?”OncehebecomesCEO,Idoubthewillhavetimeforsmalltraditionslikethat.
“Indefinitely.”
Iblink.“Evenwhenyou’reCEO?”
“EspeciallywhenIam.Youkeepmesane.”
“That’saterrifyingnotion,seeingasIcriedduringagrocerystorecommercialjustlastweek.”
Heshrugs.“Tobefair,itwasareallygoodadvertisement.”
MyheaddropsbackasIlaugh.WhenIcomebackupforair,Declan’sgazeiszonedinonmelikeaspotlight.
“What?”
Hisbrighteyesmatchthesmileonhisface.“Imisshavingyouaroundhere.”
Mychesttightens,andI’mhitwithanoverwhelmingwaveofaffection.“Jeffisgoodathisjob.”
“Jeffisn’tyou.”
Istandandwalkaroundhisdesk.Herollshischairbackandtugsmeontohislap.Hishandswraparoundme,withonelandingonmybump.
Thecontentlookonhisfacedoessomethingcrazytomyheartrate.Heleansforwardtokissme,butmygrowlingstomachmakeshimpause.
Hisbrowstugtogether.“Didyoueatyet?”
Iwince.“No.”
Heextractsmefromhislapbeforehelpingmebackinmyseat.
Insteadofreturningtohischair,hegrabsthetakeoutbagandripsitopen.
“Thisisn’thealthy.”
Irollmyeyes.“Excusemeforbeinginthemoodtocelebrate.”
“Celebratewha—”Hisvoicetrailsoffashepullsoutaminisucculentfromthebag.TheblackI’masuccaformylittlegirlstands
outagainstthewhitepot.
“Ithoughtyoucouldkeepitonyournightstandnexttotheotherone.”
Heturnstowardmewithwideeyes.“We’rehavingagirl?”
Inodwithasmile.“Ifoundouttoday.”
Declanhaulsmeintohisarmsandkissesmehard.Hisarmslockaroundmybody,holdingmeupwhileheravagesmymouth.Mychestfeelsclosetocombustingwiththeloveheshowersmein.Hedoesn’tstopkissingmeuntilmygrowlingstomachremindsusofthethirdlittlepersonintheroomwhoishungry.
Hepullsaway.Iopenmymouthtoprotest,butstopmyselfasDeclangetsdownonhiskneesinfrontofme.
Hekissesmystomach,andInearlymeltfromthesweetnessofitall.Myeyesfillwithtears.Oneleaksoutandmakesatraildownmyface.
“IknowI’mgoingtohavemyhandsfullwithyou,babyKane,butyou’llbewortheverygrayhaironmyhead.Icanguaranteeit.”
THEEND
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Wrecked
Anenemies-to-loversforcedproximityromancefeaturingaFormula1badboyandhisPRagent.
Redeemed
Ifyoulikefakerelationshipromanceswithagrumpyhero,checkoutRedeemed.
TheFinePrint
Agrumpy-sunshineofficeromancefeaturingafairytalethemepark.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
LikeDeclanwithIris,I’mfortunatetohavethebestteamsupportingmewiththereleaseofTermsandConditions.Thankyoufromthebottomofmyheart.
Tomyreaders—Thankyou.WithoutyourloveforTheFinePrint,thissequelwouldhaveneverhappened.Iappreciateeachoneofyouthatread,review,andraveaboutmybookstoyourfriends,family,andfollowers.Yourloveformycharactersandmywayoftellingstorieshaschangedmylifeinthebestwaypossible.FeelfreetosendmeanemailoraDMwhenever.Ireadeverysingleone.
Mom—Thanksforalwaysremindingmetowatermyplantswhilewritingthisbook.TheyappreciateyourdedicationtohelpingthemsurvivewhileIwasdeepinthewritingcave.
Mr.Smith—Youmightnotbeabillionaire,butIloveyouanyway.
DP—Youmightbewonderingwhatthehellishappeningasyoureadthisacknowledgmentinthemiddleofabookstore.Surprise!Iwriteromancebooks.Don’tfeelobligatedtobuythiscopythough.
Erica—Solelythankingyouforeditingthisbookwouldbeanextremeunderstatement.Yourfriendship,peptalks,andsupportduringoneofthehardestyearsofmylifemeanstheworldtome.
Thankyouformakingmydaysbrighter.
Becca—ThankyouforbelievinginmeandmystoryevenwhenIforgettodothesame.Youpushmetobethebestauthorversionofmyself,andIcan’twaittocontinuegrowingwithyou.
Mary—TooneofmyveryfirstbookfriendsandthepersonItextmostintheworld(SorryMr.Smith),thankyou.Yourtalentspeaksforitself,andIcangushaboutyourkickassgraphicdesignskillsforhours,butI’llsaveitforavoicenote.
Kendra—Thankyouforhelpingmebringthisbooktothenextlevel.YoutrulyareageminthisbookcommunityandI’mgratefultohaveyoursupport.Fromsendingmesongchoicestospreadingthewordaboutmybooks,Ican’texpressenoughgratitudeforeverythingyou’vedoneforme.
ElizabethT—Thankyouforbeingapartofthisprojectasmysensitivityreader.YourfeedbackandbrainstormingwithmereallyhelpedbringIrisandherfamilytolife.
Mybetareaders(Amy,Mary,Nura,Mia,Elizabeth,Kendra)—Iappreciateeachofyouhelpingmemakethisstorycome
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