Contents
AcknowledgmentsChapterOneChapterTwoChapterThreeChapterFourChapterFiveChapterSixChapterSevenChapterEightChapterNineChapterTenChapterElevenChapterTwelveChapterThirteenChapterFourteenChapterFifteenChapterSixteenChapterSeventeenChapterEighteenChapterNineteenChapterTwentyChapterTwenty-OneChapterTwenty-TwoChapterTwenty-ThreeChapterTwenty-FourChapterTwenty-FiveChapterTwenty-SixChapterTwenty-SevenChapterTwenty-EightChapterTwenty-NineChapterThirtyChapterThirty-OneChapterThirty-TwoChapterThirty-ThreeChapterThirty-FourChapterThirty-FiveChapterThirty-SixChapterThirty-SevenChapterThirty-EightChapterThirty-NineChapterFortyChapterForty-OneChapterForty-TwoChapterForty-ThreeChapterForty-FourChapterForty-FiveChapterForty-SixChapterForty-SevenChapterForty-EightChapterForty-NineChapterFiftyChapterFifty-OneChapterFifty-TwoChapterFifty-ThreeChapterFifty-FourChapterFifty-FiveChapterForty-SixChapterFifty-SevenACoupleofYearsLater‘BurnforBurn’TeaserAboutJennyHan
FormytwoEmilys:EmilyvanBeek,youaremyambassadorofquanEmilyThomasMeehan,let’sstaytogetherforeverlove,yourgirl
Acknowledgments
First,mysincerestthankstoEmilyMeehanforseeingthisbookthrough.ManythanksalsotoJuliaMaguirefornotmissingabeat,LucyRuthCumminsforanothergorgeouscover,JustinChandaandAnneZafianfortheirsteadfastsupport,andtothewhole(frankly,amazing)S&Steam.Fromsalestoproductiontomarketingtopublicity,youguysaretopsinmybook.ThanksasalwaystoEmilyvanBeekandFolio,tomyPippinfamily,andalsotoSiobhanVivian,myfirstandfinestreader.
OnWednesdaynightswhenIwaslittle,mymomandIwouldwatcholdmusicals.Itwasourthing.SometimesmydadorStevenwouldwanderinandwatchforabit,butitwasprettymuchalwaysmymotherandmeonthecouchwithablanketandabowlofsweetandsaltypopcorn,everyWednesday.WewatchedTheMusicMan,WestSideStory,MeetMeinSt.Louis,allofwhichIliked,Singin’intheRain,whichIreallyliked.ButIlovednoneofthemthewayIlovedByeByeBirdie.Ofallthemusicals,ByeByeBirdiewasmynumberonefavorite.Iwatcheditagainandagain,asmanytimesasmymothercouldstand.JustlikeKimMacAfeebeforeme,Iwantedtowearmascaraandlipstickandheelsandhavethat“happygrown-upfemalefeeling,”Iwantedtohearboyswhistleandknowitwasforme.IwantedtogrowupandbejustlikeKim,becauseshegottohaveallofthosethings.
Andafter,whenitwasbedtime,Iwouldsing,“Weloveyou,Conrad,ohyeswedo.Weloveyou,Conrad,andwe’llbetrue”intothebathroommirrorwithamouthfuloftoothpaste.Iwouldsingmyeight-nine-ten-year-oldheartout.ButIwasn’tsingingtoConradBirdie.IwassingingtomyConrad.ConradBeckFisher,theboyofmypreteendreams.
I’veonlyeverlovedtwoboys—bothofthemwiththelastnameFisher.Conradwasfirst,andIlovedhiminawaythatyoucanreallyonlydothefirsttimearound.It’sthekindoflovethatdoesn’tknowbetteranddoesn’twantto—it’sdizzyandfoolishandfierce.Thatkindofloveisreallyaone-time-onlything.
AndthentherewasJeremiah.WhenIlookedatJeremiah,Isawpast,present,andfuture.Hedidn’tjustknowthegirlIusedtobe.Heknewtheright-nowme,andhelovedmeanyway.
Mytwogreatloves.IthinkIalwaysknewIwouldbeBellyFisheroneday.Ijustdidn’tknowitwasgoingtohappenlikethis.
chapterone
Whenit’sfinalsweekandyou’vebeenstudyingforfivehoursstraight,youneedthreethingstogetyouthroughthenight.ThebiggestSlurpeeyoucanfind,halfcherry,halfCoke.Pajamapants,thekindthathavebeenwashedsomanytimes,theyaretissue-paperthin.Andfinally,dancebreaks.Lotsofdancebreaks.Whenyoureyesstarttocloseandallyouwantisyourbed,dancebreakswillgetyouthrough.
Itwasfourinthemorning,andIwasstudyingforthelastfinalofmyfreshmanyearatFinchUniversity.Iwascampedoutinmydormlibrarywithmynewbestfriend,AnikaJohnson,andmyoldbestfriend,TaylorJewel.Summervacationwassoclose,Icouldalmosttasteit.Justfivemoredays.I’dbeencountingdownsinceApril.
“Quizme,”Taylorcommanded,hervoicescratchy.
Iopenedmynotebooktoarandompage.“Defineanimaversusanimus.”
Taylorchewedonherlowerlip.“Givemeahint.”
“Umm…thinkLatin,”Isaid.
“Ididn’ttakeLatin!IstheregoingtobeLatinonthisexam?”
“No,Iwasjusttryingtogiveyouahint.BecauseinLatinboys’namesendin-usandgirls’namesendin-a,andanimaisfemininearchetypeandanimusismasculinearchetype.Getit?”
Sheletoutabigsigh.“No.I’mprobablygoingtofail.”
Lookingupfromhernotebook,Anikasaid,“Maybeifyoustoppedtextingandstartedstudying,youwouldn’t.”
Taylorglaredather.“I’mhelpingmybigsisterplanourend-of-yearbreakfast,soIhavetobeoncalltonight.”
“Oncall?”Anikalookedamused.“Likeadoctor?”
“Yes,justlikeadoctor,”Taylorsnapped.
“So,willitbepancakesorwaffles?”
“Frenchtoast,thankyouverymuch.”
Thethreeofuswerealltakingthesamefreshmanpsychclass,andTaylor’sandmyexamwastomorrow,Anika’swasthedayafter.AnikawasmyclosestfriendatschoolbesidesTaylor.SeeingashowTaylorwascompetitivebynature,itwasafriendshipthatshewasmorethanalittlejealousof,notthatshe’deverinamillionyearsadmitit.
MyfriendshipwithAnikawasdifferentfrommyfriendshipwithTaylor.Anikawaslaid-backandeasytobewith.Shewasn’tquicktojudge.Morethanallthat,though,shegavemethespacetobedifferent.Shehadn’tknownmemywholelife,soshehadnoexpectationsorpreconceptions.Therewasfreedominthat.Andshewasn’tlikeanyofmyfriendsbackhome.ShewasfromNewYork,andherfatherwasajazzmusicianandhermotherwasawriter.
Acoupleofhourslater,thesunwasrisingandcastingtheroominabluishlight,andTaylor’sheadwasdown,whileAnikawasstaringoffintospacelikeazombie.
Irolleduptwopaperballsinmylapandthrewthematmytwofriends.“Dancebreak,”IsangoutasIpressedplayonmycomputer.Ididalittleshimmyinmychair.
Anikaglaredatme.“Whyareyousochipper?”
“Because,”Isaid,clappingmyhandstogether,“injustafewhours,itwillallbeover.”Myexamwasn’tuntiloneintheafternoon,somyplanwastogobacktomyroomandsleepforacoupleofhours,thenwakeupwithtimetospareandstudysomemore.
Ioverslept,butIstillmanagedtogetanotherhourofstudyingin.Ididn’thavetimetogotothedininghallforbreakfast,soIjustdrankaCherryCokefromthevendingmachine.
Thetestwasashardaswehadexpected,butIwasprettysureIwouldgetatleastaB.Taylorwasprettysureshehadn’tfailed,whichwasgood.Bothofusweretootiredtocelebrateafter,sowejusthigh-fivedandwentourseparateways.
Iheadedbacktomydormroom,readytopassoutuntilatleastdinnertime,andwhenIopenedthedoor,therewasJeremiah,asleepinmybed.Helookedlikealittleboywhenheslept,evenwiththestubble.Hewasstretchedoutontopofmycomforter,hisfeethangingovertheedgeofthebed,mystuffedpolarbearhuggedtohischest.
Itookoffmyshoesandcrawledintomytwin,extra-longbednexttohim.Hestirred,openedhiseyes,andsaid,“Hi.”
“Hi,”Isaid.
“How’ditgo?”
“Prettygood.”
“Good.”HeletgoofJuniorMintandhuggedmetohim.“Ibroughtyoutheotherhalfofmysubfromlunch.”
“You’resweet,”Isaid,burrowingmyheadinhisshoulder.
Hekissedmyhair.“Ican’thavemygirlskippingmealsleftandright.”
“Itwasjustbreakfast,”Isaid.Asanafterthought,Iadded,“Andlunch.”
“Doyouwantmysubnow?It’sinmybookbag.”
NowthatIthoughtaboutit,Iwashungry,butIwasalsosleepy.“Maybealittlelater,”Isaid,closingmyeyes.
Thenhefellbacktosleep,andIfellasleeptoo.WhenIwokeup,itwasdarkout,JuniorMintwasonthefloor,andJeremiah’sarmswerearoundme.Hewasstillasleep.
WehadstarteddatingrightbeforeIbegansenioryearofhighschool.“Dating”didn’tfeelliketherightwordforit.Wewerejusttogether.Itallhappenedsoeasilyandsoquicklythatitfeltlikeithadalwaysbeenthatway.Oneminutewewerefriends,thenwewerekissing,andthenthenextthingIknew,Iwasapplyingtothesamecollegeashim.Itoldmyselfandeveryoneelse(includinghim,includingmymotherespecially)thatitwasagoodschool,thatitwasonlyafewhoursfromhomeanditmadesensetoapplythere,thatIwaskeepingmyoptionsopen.Allofthosethingsweretrue.ButtruestofallwasthatIjustwantedtobenearhim.Iwantedhimforallseasons,notjustsummer.
Nowherewewere,lyingnexttoeachotherinmydorm-roombed.Hewasasophomore,andIwasfinishingupmyfreshmanyear.Itwascrazyhowfarwehadcome.We’dknowneachotherourwholelives,andinsomeways,itfeltlikeabigsurprise—inotherwaysitfeltinevitable.
chaptertwo
Jeremiah’sfraternitywasthrowinganend-of-yearparty.Inlessthanaweekwewouldallgohomeforthesummer,andwewouldn’tbebackatFinchuntiltheendofAugust.Ihadalwayslovedsummertimebestofall,butnowthatIwasfinallygoinghome,somehowitfeltalittlebittersweet.IwasusedtomeetingJeremiahinthedininghallforbreakfasteverymorninganddoingmylaundrywithhimathisfrathouselateatnight.HewasgoodatfoldingmyT-shirts.
Thissummer,hewouldbeinterningathisdad’scompanyagain,andIwasgoingtowaitressatafamilyrestaurantcalledBehrs,thesameasIdidlastsummer.OurplanwastomeetatthesummerhouseinCousinsasoftenaswecould.Lastsummerwehadn’tmadeitoutthereonce.We’dbothbeensobusywithourjobsItookeveryshiftIcouldtosavemoneyforschool.Allthewhile,I’dfeltalittlehollowinside,myfirstsummerawayfromCousins.
Therewereafewlightningbugsout.Itwasjustgettingdark,anditwasn’ttoohotofanight.Iwaswearingheels,whichwasstupid,sinceonalast-minuteimpulseI’dwalkedinsteadoftakingthebus.IjustfigureditwasthelasttimeforalongtimeI’dwalkacrosscampusonanicenightlikethis.
I’dinvitedAnikaandourfriendShaytocomewithme,butAnikahadapartywithherdanceteam,andShaywasalreadydonewithfinalsandhadflownhometoTexas.Taylor’ssororitywashavingamixer,soshewasn’tcomingeither.Itwasjustmeandmysorefeet.
IhadtextedJeremiahtotellhimIwasonmywayandthatIwaswalking,soitwouldtakemealittlewhile.Ihadtokeepstoppingtoadjustmyshoesbecausetheywerecuttingintothebacksofmyfeet.Heelsweredumb,Idecided.
Halfwaythere,Isawhimsittingonmyfavoritebench.Hestoodupwhenhesawme.“Surprise!”
“Youdidn’thavetomeetme,”Isaid,feelingveryhappyhehad.Isatdownonthebench.
“Youlookhot,”hesaid.
Evennow,afterbeingboyfriendandgirlfriendforawholetwoyears,Istillblushedalittlewhenhesaidthingslikethat.“Thanks,”Isaid.IwaswearingasundressthatIhadborrowedfromAnika.Itwaswhitewithlittleblueflowersandrufflystraps.
“ThatdressremindsmeofTheSoundofMusic,butinahotway.”
“Thanks,”Isaidagain.DidthedressmakemelooklikeFr?uleinMaria,Iwondered?Thatdidn’tsoundlikeagoodthing.Ismootheddownthestrapsalittle.
AcoupleofguysIdidn’trecognizestoppedandsaidhitoJeremiah,butIstayedputonthebenchsoIcouldrestmyfeet.
Whentheyweregone,hesaid,“Ready?”
Igroaned.“Myfeetarekillingme.Heelsaredumb.”
Jeremiahstoopeddownlowandsaid,“Hopon,girl.”
Giggling,Iclimbedonhisback.Ialwaysgiggledwhenhecalledme“girl.”Icouldn’thelpit.Itwasfunny.
HehoistedmeupandIputmyarmsaroundhisneck.“IsyourdadcomingonMonday?”Jeremiahaskedaswecrossedthemainlawn.
“Yeah.You’regonnahelp,right?”
“Comeon,now.I’mcarryingyouacrosscampus.Ihavetohelpyoumove,too?”
Iswattedhimontheheadandheducked.“Okay,okay,”hesaid.
ThenIblewaraspberryonhisneck,andheyelpedlikealittlegirl.Ilaughedthewholewaythere.
chapterthree
AtJeremiah’sfraternityhouse,thedoorswerewideopenandpeoplewerehangingoutonthefrontlawn.MulticoloredChristmaslightswerehaphazardlystrungallovertheplace—onthemailbox,thefrontporch,evenalongtheedgeofthewalkway.Theyhadthreeinflatablekiddiepoolssetupthatpeoplewerelounginginliketheywereinhottubs.GuyswererunningaroundwithSuperSoakersandsprayingbeerintoeachother’smouths.Someofthegirlswereintheirbikinis.
IhoppedoffJeremiah’sbackandtookmyshoesoffinthegrass.
“Thepledgesdidanicejobwiththis,”Jeremiahsaid,noddingappreciativelyatthekiddiepools.“Didyoubringyoursuit?”
Ishookmyhead.
“Wantmetoseeifoneofthegirlshasanextra?”heoffered.
Quickly,Isaid,“Nothanks.”
IknewJeremiah’sfraternitybrothersfromhangingoutatthehouse,butIdidn’tknowthegirlsverywell.MostofthemwerefromZetaPhi,Jeremiah’sfraternity’ssistersorority.Thatmeanttheyhadmixersandpartiestogether,thatkindofthing.JeremiahhadwantedmetorushZetaPhi,butI’dsaidno.ItoldhimitwasbecauseIcouldn’taffordthefeesandpayingextratoliveinasororityhouse,butitwasreallymorethatIwashopingtobefriendswithallkindsofgirls,notjusttheonesI’dmeetinasorority.Iwantedabroadercollegeexperience,likemymotherwasalwayssaying.AccordingtoTaylor,ZetaPhiwasforpartygirlsandsluts,asopposedtohersorority,whichwasallegedlyclassierandmoreexclusive.Andwaymorefocusedoncommunityservice,she’daddedasanafterthought.
GirlskeptcomingupandhuggingJeremiah.Theysaidhitome,andIsaidhiback,thenIwentupstairstoputmybaginJeremiah’sroom.Onmywaydownstairs,Isawher.
LacieBarone,wearingskinnyjeansandasilkytanktopandpatentleatherredheelsthatprobablybroughtheruptofive-fouratmost,talkingtoJeremiah.LaciewasthesocialchairofZetaPhi,andshewasajunior—ayearolderthanJere,twoyearsolderthanme.Herhairwasdarkbrown,cutinaswishybob,andshewaspetite.Shewas,byanybody’sstandards,hot.AccordingtoTaylor,shehadathingforJeremiah.ItoldTayloritdidn’tbothermeonebit,andImeantit.WhyshouldIcare?
OfcoursegirlswouldlikeJeremiah.Hewasthekindofboygirlsliked.ButevenagirlasprettyasLaciedidn’thaveanythingonus.Wewereacoupleyearsandyearsinthemaking.Iknewhimbetterthananyone,thesameasheknewme,andIknewJerewouldneverlookatanothergirl.
Jeremiahsawmethen,andhewavedatmetocomeover.Iwalkeduptothemandsaid,“Hey,Lacie.”
“Hey,”shesaid.
Pullingmetowardhim,Jeremiahsaid,“LacieisgonnastudyabroadinParisthisfall.”ToLacie,hesaid,“WewanttogobackpackinginEuropenextsummer.”
Sippingherbeer,shesaid,“That’scool.Whichcountries?”
“We’redefinitelygoingtoFrance,”Jeremiahsaid.“BellyspeaksreallyfluentFrench.”
“Iactuallydon’t,”Itoldher,embarrassed.“Ijusttookitinhighschool.”
Laciesaid,“Oh,I’mhorribletoo.Ireallyjustwanttogoandeatlotsofcheeseandchocolate.”
Shehadavoicethatwassurprisinglyhuskyforsomeonesosmall.Iwonderedifshesmoked.Shesmiledatme,andIthought,Taylorwaswrongabouther,shewasanicegirl.
Whensheleftafewminuteslatertogetadrink,Isaid,“She’snice.”
Jeremiahshruggedandsaid,“Yeah,she’scool.Wantmetogetyouadrink?”
“Sure,”Isaid.
Heledmebytheshouldersandplantedmeonthecouch.“Yousitrighthere.Don’tmoveamuscle.I’llberightback.”
Iwatchedhimmakehiswaythroughthecrowd,feelingproudIcouldcallhimmine.Myboyfriend,myJeremiah.ThefirstboyIhadeverfallenasleepnextto.ThefirstboyIevertoldaboutthetimeIaccidentallywalkedinonmyparentsdoingitwhenIwaseight.ThefirstboytogooutandbuymeMidolbecausemycrampsweresobad,thefirstboytopaintmytoenails,toholdmyhairbackwhenIthrewupthattimeIgotreallydrunkinfrontofallhisfriends,thefirstboytowritemealovenoteonthewhiteboardhangingoutsidemydormroom.
YOUARETHEMILKTOMYSHAKE,foreverandever.Love,J.
HewasthefirstboyIeverkissed.Hewasmybestfriend.Moreandmore,Iunderstood.Thiswasthewayitwassupposedtobe.Hewastheone.Myone.
chapterfour
Itwaslaterthatnight.
Weweredancing.IhadmyarmsaroundJeremiah’sneck,andthemusicwaspulsingaroundus.Ifeltflushedandabuzz,fromthedancingandfromthealcohol.Theroomwaspackedwithpeople,butwhenJerelookedatme,therewasnooneelse.Justmeandhim.
Hereacheddownandtuckedastrandofhairbehindmyear.HesaidsomethingIcouldn’thear.
“What?”Iyelled.
Heyelled,“Don’tevercutyourhair,okay?”
“Ihaveto!I’dlooklike—likeawitch.”
Jeremiahtappedhisearandsaid,“Ican’thearyou!”
“Witch!”Ishookmyhairaroundmyfaceforemphasisandmimedstirringacauldronandcackling.
“Ilikeyouwitchy,”hesaidinmyear.“Howaboutjusttrims?”
Ishouted,“Ipromisenottocutmyhairshortifyoupromisetogiveupyourbearddream!”
He’dbeentalkingaboutgrowingabeardeversinceThanksgiving,whensomeofhishighschoolfriendsgotacontestgoingtoseewhocouldgrowitthelongest.I’dtoldhimnoway,itremindedmetoomuchofmydad.
“I’llconsiderit,”hesaid,kissingme.
Hetastedlikebeer,andIprobablydidtoo.
ThenJeremiah’sfratbrotherTom—alsoknownasRedbirdforreasonsunknowntome—spottedus,andhecamechargingatJeremiahlikeabull.Hewaswearinghisunderwearandcarryingawaterbottle.Andtheyweren’tboxers,theyweretightywhities.“Breakitup,breakitup!”heshouted.
Theystartedmessingaround,andwhenJeremiahgotTominaheadlock,Tom’swaterbottleofbeerspilledallovermeandAnika’sdress.
“Sorry,sorry,”hemumbled.WhenTomwasreallydrunk,hesaideverythingtwice.
“It’sokay,”Isaid,wringingouttheskirtandtryingnottolookatthelowerhalfofhisbody.
Ilefttogocleanmydressinthebathroom,buttherewasalongline,soIwenttothekitchen.Peopleweredoingbodyshotsonthekitchentable;Jeremiah’sfratbrotherLukewaslickingsaltoutofared-hairedgirl’sbellybutton.
“Hey,Isabel,”hesaid,lookingup.
“Um,hey,Luke,”Isaid.ThenIspottedsomegirlthrowingupinthesink,andIbookeditoutofthere.
Iheadedtotheupstairsbathroom.Atthetopofthestaircase,Isqueezedpastaguyandagirlmakingout,andIaccidentallysteppedontheguy’shand.“I’msosorry,”Isaid,buthedidn’tseemtonoticeeitherway,sincehehadhisotherhandupthegirl’sshirt.
WhenIfinallymadeittothebathroom,Ilockedthedoorbehindmeandletoutalittlesighofrelief.Thispartywasevenwilderthanusual.Iguessedwiththeendofyearuponusandfinalsover,everybodywaslettingloose.IwaskindofgladAnikahadn’tbeenabletocome.Itwouldn’tbeherscene—notthatitwasmine,either.
Idabbedliquidsoapontothewetmarksandcrossedmyfingersitwouldn’tstain.Someonetriedtoopenthedoor,andIcalledout,“Justasec.”
AsIstoodthere,dabbingatthedress,Iheardgirlsontheothersidetalking.Iwasn’treallypayingattentionuntilIheardLacie’svoice.Iheardhersay,“Helookshottonight,right?”
Anothervoicesaid,“Healwayslookshot.”
Shewasslurringasshesaid,“Hellyeahhedoes.”
Theothergirlsaid,“I’msojealousyougottohookupwithhim.”
Inasingsongvoice,Laciesaid,“WhateverhappensinCabostaysinCabo.”
Ifeltdizzyallofasudden.Ileanedmybackagainstthebathroomdoortosteadymyself.TherewasnowayshewastalkingaboutJeremiah.Noway.
Someonebangedonthedoor,andIjumped.
Withoutthinking,Iopenedit.Lacie’shandflewtohermouthwhenshesawme.Thelookonherfacewaslikeapunchinthestomach.Ifeltphysicalpain.Icouldheartheothergirls’sharpintakesofbreath,butitallfeltfaraway.IfeltlikeIwassleepwalkingasImovedpastherandthegirlsanddownthehallway.
Icouldn’tbelieveit.Itcouldn’tbetrue.NotmyJere.
Iwenttohisroomandlockedthedoorbehindme.Isatonhisbed,kneescurledintomychest,goingoveritinmyhead.WhateverhappensinCabostaysinCabo.ThelookonLacie’sface,thewaytheothergirlsgasped.Itplayedinmyheadlikeamovie,overandover.Thetwoofthemtalkingtonight.Thewayhe’dshruggedwhenIsaidshewasnice.
Ihadtoknowforsure.IhadtohearitfromJeremiah.
Ilefthisroomandwentlookingforhim.AsIsearched,Icouldfeeltheshockturningintoanger.Ipushedmywaythroughthecrowd.Onedrunkgirlslurred,“Hey!”whenIsteppedonherfoot,butIdidn’tstoptosay“excuseme.”
Ifinallyfoundhimstandingaroundoutsidedrinkingbeerwithhisfratbuddies.Fromtheopendoor,Isaid,“Ineedtotalktoyou.”
“Justasec,Bells,”hesaid.
“No.Now.”
Theguysallstartedcrackingupandgoing,“Oooh,somebody’sintrouble.”“Fisher’ssowhipped.”
Iwaited.
Jeremiahmusthaveseensomethinginmyeyes,becausehefollowedmeinside,upthestairs,andintohisbedroom.Ishutthedoorbehindme.
“What’sgoingon?”heaskedme,lookingallconcerned.
Ipracticallyspatthewordsout.“DidyouhookupwithLacieBaroneduringspringbreak?”
Jeremiah’sfaceturnedwhite.“What?”
“Didyouhookupwithher?”
“Belly—”
“Iknewit,”Iwhispered.“Iknewit.”
EventhoughIdidn’tknowit,notreally.Ididn’tknowanything.
“Holdon,justholdon.”
“Holdon?”Iscreamed.“OhmyGod,Jere.OhmyGod.”
Isankontothefloor.Mylegscouldn’tevenholdmeup.
Jeremiahkneeleddownbesidemeandtriedtohelpmeup,butIslappedhishandsaway.“Don’ttouchme!”
Hegotdownonthefloornexttome,hisheadhangingbetweenhisknees.“Belly,itwaswhenwewereonthatbreak.Whenwewerebrokenup.”Istaredathim
Ourso-calledbreakuphadlastedallofaweek.Itwasn’tevenarealbreakup,notforme.Ialwaysassumedwewouldgetbacktogether.Ihadcriedthewholeweek,whilehehadbeeninCabokissingLacieBarone.
“Youknewweweren’treallybrokenup!Youknewitwasn’treal!”
Miserably,hesaid,“HowwasIsupposedtoknowthat?”
“IfIknewit,youshouldhaveknownit!”
Heswallowed,andhisAdam’sapplebobbedupanddown.“Laciekeptfollowingmearoundallweek.Shewouldn’tleavemealone.Isweartoyou,Ididn’twanttohookupwithher.Itjusthappened.”Hisvoicetrailedoff.
Ifeltsodirtyinsidehearinghimsaythat.Justdisgusted.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutthetwoofthem,didn’twanttopictureit.“Bequiet,”Isaid.“Idon’twanttohearit.”
“Itwasamistake.”
“Amistake?Youcallthatamistake?AmistakeiswhenyouleftmyshowershoesintheshowerandtheygotallmildewyandIhadtothrowthemout.That’samistake,youjerk.”Iburstintotears.
Hedidn’tsayanything.Hejustsatthereandtookit,hisheadhangingdown.
“Idon’tevenknowwhoyouareanymore.”Mystomachlurched.“IthinkI’mgoingtobesick.”
JeremiahgotmethewastebasketbyhisbedandIthrewup,heavingandcrying.Hetriedtorubmyback,butIjerkedawayfromhim.“Don’ttouchme,”Imumbled,wipingmymouthwiththebackofmyarm.
Itdidn’tmakesense.Noneofit.Thiswasn’ttheJeremiahIknew.MyJeremiahwouldneverhurtmelikethis.Hewouldneversomuchaslookatanothergirl.MyJeremiahwastrueandstrongandsteady.Ididn’tknowwhothispersonwas.
“I’msorry,”hesaid.“I’mreallysorry.”
Jeremiahwascryingnowtoo.Good,Ithought.Hurtlikeyou’vehurtme.
“Iwanttobetotallyhonestwithyou,Belly.Idon’twantanymoresecrets.”Hereallybrokedownthen,cryinghard.
Iwenttotallystill.
“Wehadsex.”
BeforeIknewit,myhandwasstrikinghisface.IslappedhimashardasIcould.Iwasn’teventhinking,Iwasjustdoing.Myhandleftasplotchyredimprintonhisrightcheek.
Westaredateachother.Icouldn’tbelieveIhadhithim,andneithercouldhe.Theshockwasjustbeginningtoregisteronhisface,andIprobablyhadthesamelookonmine.Ihadneverhitanyonebefore.
Rubbinghischeek,hesaid,“I’msosorry.”
Icriedharder.Ihadpicturedthemhookingup,makingout.Ihadn’tevenconsideredsex.Iwassostupid.
Hesaid,“Itdidn’tmeananything.Isweartoyou,itdidn’t.”
Hetriedtotouchmyarm,andIflinched.Wipingmycheeks,Isaid,“Maybetoyousexdoesn’tmeananything.Butitmeanssomethingtome,andyouknewthat.You’veruinedeverything.I’llnevertrustyouagain.”
Hetriedtopullmetowardhim,butIpushedhimaway.Desperately,hesaid,“I’mtellingyou,thethingwithLaciedidn’tmeananything.”
“Itmeanssomethingtome.Anditobviouslymeantsomethingtoher.”
“I’mnotinlovewithher!”hecriedout.“I’minlovewithyou!”
JeremiahcrawledovertowhereIwas.Heputhisarmsaroundmyknees.“Don’tleave,”hebegged.“Pleasedon’tleave.”
Itriedtoshakehimoff,buthewasstrong.HeclungtomelikeIwasaraftandhewasatsea.
“Iloveyousomuch,”hesaid,hiswholebodyshaking.“It’salwaysbeenyou,Belly.”
Iwantedtokeepscreamingandcryingandsomehowfindawayoutofthis.ButIdidn’tseeaway.Lookingdownathim,IfeltlikeIwasmadeofstone.Hehadneverdisappointedmebefore.Forhimtodoitnowmadeitthatmuchharder,becauseIhadn’tseenitcoming.Itwashardtobelievethatjustafewshorthoursagohe’dcarriedmeacrosscampusonhisbackandI’dlovedhimmorethanever.
“Wecan’tgetitback,”Isaid,andIsaidittohurthim.“Whatwewere,it’sgone.Welostittonight.”
Desperately,hesaid,“Yes,wecan.Iknowwecan.”
Ishookmyhead.Thetearshadstartedagain,butIdidn’twanttocryanymore,especiallynotinfrontofhim.Orwithhim.Ididn’twanttofeelsad.Ididn’twanttofeelanything.Iwipedmyfaceagainandstoodup,“I’mleaving.”
Herosetohisfeetunsteadily.“Wait!”
Ipushedpasthimandgrabbedmybagfromhisbed.ThenIwasoutthedoor,runningdownthestairsandoutside.Iranallthewaytothebusstop,mybagbangingagainstmyshoulder,myheelsclackingagainstthepavement.Ialmosttrippedandfell,butImadeit.Icaughtthebusjustasthelastpersonwasgettingon,andwedroveoff.Ididn’tlookbacktoseeifJeremiahhadfollowedme.
Myroommate,Jillian,hadgonehomeforthesummerearlierthatday,soatleastIhadtheroomtomyselfandcouldcryalone.Jeremiahkeptcallingandtexting,soIturnedmyphoneoff.ButbeforeIwenttobed,IturneditbackonagainsoIcouldseewhathewroteme.
I’msoashamedofmyself.Pleasetalktome.IloveyouandIalwayswill.
Icriedharder.
chapterfive
WhenwebrokeupinApril,itreallydidcomeoutofnowhere.Yes,we’dhadlittlefightshereandthere,butyoucouldhardlyevencallthemfights.
Like,therewasthistimeShaywashavingapartyathergodmother’scountryhouse.Sheinvitedatonofpeople,andshesaidIcouldbringJeremiah,too.Weweregonnagetdressedupanddanceoutsideallnightlong.We’dalljustcrashtherefortheweekend,Shaysaid—itwouldbeablast.Iwasjusthappytobeincluded.ItoldJeremiahaboutit,andhesaidhehadanintramuralsoccergamebutIshouldgoanyway.Isaid,“Can’tyoujustmissit?It’snotlikeit’sarealgame.”Itwasabitchythingtosay,butIsaidit,andImeantit.
Thatwasourfirstfight.Notarealfight,notlikeyellingoranything,buthewasmadandsowasI.
Wealwayshungoutwithhisfriends.Inawayitmadesense.Healreadyhadthem,andIwasstillformingmine.Ittooktimetogetclosetopeople,andwithmeathisfrathouseallthetime,thegirlsonmyhallwerebondingwithoutme.IfeltlikeIhadgivensomethingupwithoutevenrealizingit.WhenShayinvitedme,thatmeantalot,andIwantedittomeansomethingtoJere,too.
Andtherewereotherthings,too,thatannoyedme.ThingsI’dneverknownaboutJeremiah,thingsIcouldn’thaveknownfromonlyseeinghiminthesummeratthebeachhouse.Likehowobnoxioushewaswhenhesmokedweedwithhissuitematesandtheyatepineapple-and-hampizzaandlistenedto“Gangsta’sParadise”byCoolioandtheywouldlaughfor,like,anhour.
Alsohisseasonalallergies.I’dneverseenhiminthespringtime,soIdidn’tknowhehadthem.
Hecalledme,sneezinglikecrazy,allstuffedupandpitiful.“Canyoucomeoverandhangoutwithme?”heasked,blowinghisnose.“AndcanyoubringmoreKleenex?Andorangejuice?”
Ibitmyliptokeepfromsaying,Youhaveallergies,notswineflu.
I’dgoneovertohisfrathousethedaybefore.HeandhisroommateplayedvideogameswhileIdidmyhomework.ThenwewatchedaKungFumovieandorderedIndianfood,eventhoughIdidn’treallyliketoeatIndianfoodbecauseitgavemeanupsetstomachafter.Jeremiahsaidthatwhenhisallergiesgotreallybad,Indianfoodwastheonlythingthatwouldmakehimfeelbetter.IatenaanandriceandfeltpissedwhileJeremiahscarfeddownchickentikkamasalaandwatchedhismovie.Hecouldbereallyoblivioussometimes,andIhadtowonderifitwasonpurpose.
“Ireallywanttocomeover,butIhaveapaperthat’sduetomorrow,”Isaid,tryingtosoundconflictedaboutit.“SoIprobablyshouldn’t.Sorry.”
“Well,IguessIcouldgothere,”hesaid.“I’lltakeatonofBenedrylandsleepwhileyouwrite.ThenmaybewecanorderIndianfoodagain.”
“Yeah,”Isaid,sourly.“Wecoulddothat.”AtleastIwouldn’thavetotakethebus.ButIwouldhavetogotothehallbathroomandgetarolloftoiletpaper,becauseJillianwouldbepissedifJeremiahusedallherKleenexagain.
Ididn’tknowthenthatallofthatwassettingthestageforourfirstrealfight.Wehadoneofthosescreamingandcryingkindoffights,thekindIpromisedmyselfIwouldneverhave.I’dheardJillianhavethemoverthephone,girlsonmyhall,Taylor.Ineverthoughtitwouldbeme.IthoughtJeremiahandIunderstoodeachothertoowell,hadknowneachothertoolong,forthatkindoffight.
Afightislikeafire.Youthinkyouhaveitundercontrol,youthinkyoucanstopitwheneveryouwant,butbeforeyouknowit,it’saliving,breathingthingandthere’snocontrollingitandyouwereafooltothinkyoucould.
Atthelastminute,JeremiahandhisfraternitybrothersdecidedtogotoCabooverspringbreak.They’dfoundsomeinsanedealontheInternet.
Iwasalreadyplanningongoinghomeoverthebreak.MymomandIweregoingtogointothecityandwatchaballet,andStevenwouldbeathometoo.SoIwantedtobeathome,Ireallydid.ButasIwatchedJeremiahbookhistrip,Ifeltmoreandmoreresentful.Hewassupposedtobegoinghometoo.NowthatConradwasinCalifornia,Mr.Fisherwasprettymuchalone.Jeremiahhadsaidhewantedtogoandspendsometimewithhim,maybevisitSusannah’sgravetogether.We’dalsotalkedaboutgoingtoCousinsforacoupleofdays.JeremiahknewhowmuchIwantedtogotoCousins.Heknewhowmuchitmeanttome.I’ddonemoregrowingupinthathousethanIhadinmyown.AndwithSusannahgone,itfeltevenmoreimportantthatwekeptgoingback.
NowhewasgoingtoCabo.Withoutme.
“DoyoureallythinkyoushouldbegoingtoCabo?”Iaskedhim.Hewassittingathisdesk,hunchedoverthecomputerandtypingaway.Iwassittingonhisbed.
Helookedup,surprised.“It’stoogoodofadealtopassup.Besides,allmybrothersaregoing.Ican’tmissout.”
“Yeah,butIthoughtyouweregonnagohomeandhangoutwithyourdad.”
“Icandothatoversummerbreak.”
“Summer’sstillmonthsaway.”Icrossedmyarmsthenuncrossedthem.
Jeremiahfrowned.“What’sthisabout?Areyouworriedaboutmegoingonspringbreakwithoutyou?”
Icouldfeelmycheeksredden.“No!Youcangowhereveryouwant,Idon’tcare.Ijustthinkthatitwouldbeniceifyouspentsometimewithyourdad.Andyourmom’sheadstoneisup.Ithoughtyouwantedtogoseeit.”
“Yeah,Ido,butIcandoallthatafterschool’sout.Youcancomewithme.”Hepeeredatme.“Areyoujealous?”
“No!”
Hewasgrinningnow.“WorriedaboutallthewetT-shirtcontests?”
“No!”Ihatedthathewasmakingthisintoajoke.Itwasinfuriating,beingtheonlyonewhowasmad.
“Ifyou’resoworried,thenjustcomewithus.It’llbefun.”
Hedidnotsay,Ifyouareworried,youshouldn’tbe.Hesaid,Ifyouareworried,youshouldcomewithus.Iknewhedidn’tmeanitthatway,butitstillbotheredme.
“YouknowIcan’taffordit.Besides,Idon’twanttogotoCabowithyouandyour‘bros.’I’mnotgoingtogoandbetheonlygirlfriendanddragdownyourparty.”
“Youwouldn’tbe.Josh’sgirlfriend,Alison,isgoingtobethere,”Jeremiahsaid.
SoAlisonhadbeeninvitedandnotme?Isatupstraight.“Alison’sgoingwithyouguys?”
“It’snotlikethat.Alison’sgoingwithhersorority.They’regettingabunchofroomsatthesameresortasus.That’showwefoundoutaboutthedeal.Butit’snotlikewe’llbehangingoutwiththemallthetime.We’regonnadoguystuff,likeoff-roadracinginthedesert.RentsomeATVs,gorappelling,stufflikethat.”
Istaredathim.“Sowhileyouracearoundwithyourbuddiesinthedesert,youwantmetohangoutwithabunchofgirlsIdon’tknow?”
Herolledhiseyes.“YouknowAlison.Youguyswerebeer-pongpartnersinourhousetournament.”
“Whatever.I’mnotgoingtoCabo.I’mgoinghome.Mymommissesme.”WhatIdidn’tsaywas,yourdadmissesyoutoo.
WhenJeremiahjustshrugged,like,Haveityourway,Ithought,oh,whatthehell,I’llsayit.“Yourdadmissesyoutoo.”
“OhmyGod.Belly,justadmitthatthisisn’taboutmydad.You’reparanoidaboutmegoingonspringbreakwithoutyou.”
“Whydon’tyouadmitthatyoudidn’twantmetogointhefirstplace,then?”
Hehesitated.Isawhimhesitate.“Fine.Yeah,Iwouldn’tmindifthiswasjustaguys’trip.”
Standingup,Isaid,“Well,itsoundsliketherewillbeplentyofgirlsthere.HavefunwiththeZetas.”
Nowhisneckstartedtoturnadullred.“Ifyoudon’ttrustmebynow,Idon’tknowwhattotellyou.I’veneverdoneanythingtomakeyouquestionme.AndBelly,Ireallydon’tneedyouguilttrippingmeaboutmydad.”
Istartedputtingmyshoeson,andIwassomad,myhandsshookasItriedtolaceupmysneakers.“Ican’tevenbelievehowselfishyouare.”
“Me?I’mtheselfishonenow?”Heshookhishead,hislipstight.Heopenedhismouthlikehewasgoingtosaysomething,butthenheclosedit.
“Yes,youaredefinitelytheselfishoneinthisrelationship.It’salwaysaboutyou,yourfriends,yourstupidfraternity.HaveItoldyouIthinkyourfraternityisstupid?BecauseIdo.”
Inalowvoice,hesaid,“What’ssostupidaboutit?”
“It’sjustabunchofentitledrichguysspendingtheirparents’money,cheatingontestswithyourtestbank,goingtoclasswasted.”
Lookinghurt,hesaid,“We’renotalllikethat.”
“Ididn’tmeanyou.”
“Yeah,youdid.What,justbecauseI’mnotpre-med,thatmakesmethislazyfratguy?”
“Don’tputyourinferioritycomplexonme,”Isaid.Isaiditwithoutthinking.ItwassomethingIhadthoughtbeforebutnevervoiced.Conradwastheonewhowaspre-med.ConradwastheoneatStanford,workingapart-timejobatalab.Jeremiahwastheonewhotoldpeoplehemajoredinbeerology.
Hestared.“Whatthehelldoesthatmean,‘inferioritycomplex’?”
“Forgetit,”Isaid.Toolate,IcouldseethingshadgonefartherthanIhadintended.Iwantedtotakeitallback.
“IfyouthinkI’msostupidandselfishandwasteful,whyareyouevenwithme?”
BeforeIcouldanswer,beforeIcouldsay,You’renotstupidorselfishorwasteful,beforeIcouldendthefight,Jeremiahsaid,“Fuckit.Iwon’twasteyourtimeanymore.Let’senditnow.”
AndIsaid,“Fine.”
Igrabbedmybookbag,butIdidn’tleaverightaway.Iwaswaitingforhimtostopme.Buthedidn’t.
Icriedthewholewayhome.Icouldn’tbelievethatwehadbrokenup.Itdidn’tfeelreal.IexpectedJeremiahtocallmethatnight.ItwasaFriday.HeleftforCaboonSundaymorning,andhedidn’tcallthen,either.
Myspringbreakconsistedofmemopingaroundthehouse,eatingchips,andcrying.Stevensaid,“Chillout.Theonlyreasonhehasn’tcalledyouisthatit’stooexpensivetomakeacallfromMexico.Youguyswillbebacktogetherbynextweek,guaranteed.”
Iwasprettysurehewasright.Jeremiahjustneededsomespace.Okay,thatwasfine.Whenhegotback,IwouldgotohimandtellhimhowsorryIwas,andIwouldfixthings,anditwouldbelikeitneverhappened.
Stevenwasright.Wedidgetbacktogetheraweeklater.Ididgotohimandapologize,andheapologizedtoo.IneveraskedhimifanythinghappenedinCabo.Itwouldn’tevenhaveoccurredtometowonder.Thiswasaboywhohadlovedmemywholelife,andIwasagirlwhobelievedinthatlove.Inthatboy.
Jerebroughtmebackashellbracelet.Littlewhitepukashells.Ithadmademesohappy.BecauseIknewthathehadbeenthinkingofme,thathehadmissedmeasmuchasIhadmissedhim.HeknewlikeIknewthatitwasn’toverbetweenus,thatitwouldneverbeover.Hespentthatwholeweekafterspringbreakinmyroom,hangingoutwithmeandnothisfraternitybrothers.ItdrovemyroommateJilliancrazy,butIdidn’tcare.Ifeltclosertohimthanever.Imissedhimevenwhenhewasinclass.
ButnowIknewthetruth.Heboughtmethatstupidcheapbraceletbecausehefeltguilty.AndIwassodesperatetomakeup,Ihadn’tseenit.
chaptersix
WhenIclosedmyeyes,Isawthetwoofthem,together,kissinginahottub.Onthebeach.Insomeclub.LacieBaroneprobablyknewtricksandmovesI’dneverevenheardof.Butofcourseshedid.
Iwasstillavirgin.
I’dneverhadsexbefore,notwithJeremiah,notwithanybody.WhenIwasyounger,IusedtopicturemyfirsttimewithConrad.Itwasn’tthatIwasstillwaitingforhim.Itwasn’tthatatall.Iwasjustwaitingfortheperfectmoment.Iwantedittofeelspecial,tofeelexactlyright.
I’dpicturedusfinallydoingitatthebeachhouse,withthelightsoffandcandleseverywheresoIwouldn’tfeelshy.I’dpicturedhowgentleJeremiahwouldbe,howsweet.LatelyIhadbeenfeelingmoreandmoreready.Ihadthoughtthissummer,thetwoofusbackatCousins—Ithoughtthatwouldbeit.
Itwashumiliatingthinkingaboutitnow,hownaiveI’dbeen.I’dthoughthewouldwaitaslongasittookformetobeready.Ireallybelievedthat.
Buthowcouldwebetogethernow?WhenIthoughtofhimwithher,Lacie,whowasolderandsexierandmoreworldlythanI’deverbe,atleastinmymind—ithurtsobaditwashardtobreathe.ThefactthatsheknewhiminawayIdidn’tyet,hadexperiencedsomethingwithhimthatIhadn’t,thatfeltlikethebiggestbetrayalofall.
Amonthago,aroundtheanniversaryofhismom’sdeath,wewerelyinginJeremiah’stwinbed.Herolledoverandlookedatme,andhiseyesweresolikeSusannah’s,Ireachedoutmyhandandcoveredthem.
“Sometimesithurtstolookatyou,”Isaid.IlovedthatIcouldsaythatandheknewexactlywhatImeant.
“Closeyoureyes,”hetoldme.
Idid,andhecameupclosesowewereface-to-faceandIcouldfeelhisCrestbreathwarmonmycheek.Wewrappedourlegsaroundeachother.Iwasovercomewiththissuddenneedtokeephimclosetomealways.“Doyouthinkitwillalwaysbelikethis?”Iaskedhim.
“Howelsewoulditbe?”heasked.
Wefellasleepthatway.Likekids.Totallyinnocent.
Wecouldnevergobacktothat.Howcouldwe?Itwasalltaintednow.EverythingfromMarchtonow,itwastainted.
chapterseven
WhenIwokeupthenextmorning,myeyesweresopuffy,theywerepracticallyswollenshut.Isplashedcoldwateronmyface,butitdidn’treallyhelp.Ibrushedmyteeth.AndthenIwentbacktobed.I’dwakeupandhearpeoplemovingoutofthedorms,andthenI’djustfallbacktosleep.Ishouldhavebeenpacking,butallIwantedtodowassleep.Isleptallday.Iwokeupagainwhenitwasdarkout,andIdidn’tturnonthelights.IjustlayinbeduntilIfellasleepagain.
ItwaslateafternoonthenextdaywhenIfinallygotup.WhenIsay“gotup,”Imean“satup.”Ifinallysatupinmybed.Iwasthirsty.Ifeltwrungdryfromallthecrying.ThispropelledmetoactuallygetoutofbedandwalkthefivefeetovertotheminifridgeandtakeoneofthebottledwatersJillianhadleftbehind.
Lookingacrosstheroomatheremptybedandemptywallsmademefeelevenmoredepressed.LastnightIwantedtobealone.TodayIthoughtIwouldgooutofmymindifIdidn’ttalktoanotherperson.
IwentdownthehalltoAnika’sroom.Thefirstthingshesaidwhenshesawmewas,“What’swrong?”
Isatonherbedandhuggedherpillowtomychest.Ihadcometoherwantingtotalk,wantingtogetitout,butnowitwashardtosaythewords.Ifeltashamed.Ofhimandforhim.AllmyfriendslovedJeremiah.Theythoughthewaspracticallyperfect.IknewthatassoonasItoldAnika,allofthatwouldbegone.Thiswouldbereal.Forsomereason,Istillwantedtoprotecthim.
“Iz,whathappened?”
I’dreallythoughtIwasdonecrying,butafewtearsleakedoutanyway.Iwentaheadandsaidit.“Jeremiahcheatedonme.”
Anikasankontothebed.“Shutthefrontdoor,”shebreathed.“When?Withwho?”
“WithLaceyBarone,thatgirlinhissistersorority.Duringspringbreak.Whenwewerebrokenup.”
Shenodded,takingthisin.
“I’msomadathim,”Isaid.“Forhookingupwithanothergirlandthennottellingmeallthistime.Nottellingisthesameaslying.Ifeelsostupid.”
Anikahandedmetheboxoftissuesonherdesk.“Girl,youletyourselffeelwhateveryouneedtofeel,”shesaid.
Iblewmynose.“Ifeel…likemaybeIdon’tknowhimlikeIthoughtIdid.IfeellikeIcan’ttrusthimeveragain.”
“Keepingasecretlikethatfromthepersonyouloveisprobablytheworstpart,”Anikasaid.
“Youdon’tthinktheactualcheatingistheworstpart?”
“No.Imean,yeah,thatishorrible.Butheshouldhavejusttoldyou.Itwasturningitintoasecretthatgaveitpower.”
Iwassilent.Ihadasecrettoo.Ihadn’ttoldanyone,notevenAnikaorTaylor.Ihadtoldmyselfthatitwasbecauseitwasn’timportant,andthenIhadputitoutofmymind.
Thepastcoupleofyears,IsometimespulledoutamemoryIhadofConradandlookedatit,admiredit,sortofinthesamewayIlookedatmyoldshellcollection.Therewaspleasureinjusttouchingeachshell,theridges,thecoolsmoothness.EvenafterJeremiahandIstarteddating,everyonceinawhile,sittinginclassorwaitingforthebusortryingtofallasleep,Iwouldpulloutanoldmemory.ThefirsttimeIeverbeathiminaswimmingrace.Thetimehetaughtmehowtodance.Thewayheusedtowetdownhishairinthemornings.
Buttherewasonememoryinparticular,oneIdidn’tletmyselftouch.Itwasn’tallowed.
chaptereight
ItwasthedayafterChristmas.MymotherhadgoneonaweeklongtriptoTurkey,atripshe’dhadtopostponetwice—oncewhenSusannah’scancercameoutofremissionandthenagainafterSusannahdied.MyfatherwaswithhisgirlfriendLinda’sfamilyinWashington,D.C.Stevenwasonaskitripwithsomefriendsfromschool.JeremiahandMr.FisherwerevisitingrelativesinNewYork.
Andme?Iwasathome,watchingAChristmasStoryonTVforthethirdtime.IhadonmyChristmaspajamas,theonesSusannahhadsentmeacoupleofyearsback—theywereredflannelpjswithajauntymistletoeprint,andtheywerewaytoolongintheleg.Partofthefunofwearingthemwasrollingupthesleevesandankles.Ihadjustfinishedmydinner—afrozenpepperonipizzaandtherestofthesugarcookiesastudenthadbakedformymother.
IwasstartingtofeellikeKevininHomeAlone.Eighto’clockonaSaturdaynight,andIwasdancingaroundthelivingroomto“Rockin’AroundtheChristmasTree,”feelingsorryformyself.Myfall-semestergradeshadbeeneh.Mywholefamilywasgone.Iwaseatingfrozenpizzaalone.AndwhenStevensawmethatfirstdaybackhome,thefirstthingoutofhismouthwas,“Wow,freshmanfifteen,huh?”Ihadpunchedhiminthearm,andhesaidhewaskidding,buthewasn’tkidding.Ihadgainedtenpoundsinfourmonths.IguessedeatinghotwingsandramenandDominospizzaatfourinthemorningwiththeboyswilldothattoagirl.Butsowhat?Thefreshmanfifteenwasariteofpassage.
IwenttothedownstairsbathroomandslappedmycheekslikeKevindoesinthemovie.“Sowhat!”Iyelled.
Iwasn’tgoingtoletitgetmedown.SuddenlyIhadanidea.Iranupstairsandstartedthrowingthingsintomybackpack—thenovelmymomhadboughtmeforChristmas,leggings,thicksocks.WhyshouldIbeathomealonewhenIcouldbeatmyfavoriteplaceintheworld?
Fifteenminuteslater,afterIrinsedoffmydinnerdishesandturnedoffallthelights,IwasinSteven’scar.Hiscarwasnicerthanmine,andwhathedidn’tknowwouldn’thurthim.Besides,thatwaswhathegotforbringingupthefreshmanfifteen.
IwasheadingtoCousins,rockingoutto“PleaseComeHomeforChristmas”(theBonJoviversion,ofcourse)andsnackingonchocolate-coveredpretzelswithredandgreensprinkles(anothergiftformymother).IknewIhadmadetherightdecision.IwouldbeattheCousinshouseinnotime.Iwouldlightafire,Iwouldmakesomehotchocolatetogowithmypretzels,Iwouldwakeupinthemorningtoawinterbeach.OfcourseIlovedthebeachduringthesummermore,butthewinterbeachhelditsownspecialkindofcharmforme.IdecidedIwouldn’ttellanyoneI’dgone.Wheneveryonecamebackfromtheirtrips,itwouldbemylittlesecret.
IdidmakeittoCousinsinnotime.Thehighwayhadbeenprettymuchdeserted,andIpracticallyflewthere.AsIpulledintothedriveway,Iletoutabigwhoop.Itwasgoodtobeback.Thiswasmyfirsttimeatthehouseinoverayear.
Ifoundthesparesetofkeysrightwheretheyalwayswere—undertheloosefloorboardonthedeck.IfeltgiddyasIsteppedinsideandturnedonthelights.
Thehousewasfreezingcold,anditwasalothardertogetafiregoingthanIthoughtitwouldbe.Igaveupprettyquickly,andImademyselfhotchocolatewhileIwaitedfortheheattogetworking.ThenIbroughtdownabunchofblanketsfromthelinenclosetandgotallcozyonthecouchunderneaththem,withmychocolate-coveredpretzelsandmymugofhotchocolate.HowtheGrinchStoleChristmaswason,andIfellasleeptothesoundoftheWhosinWhovillesinging“WelcomeChristmas.”
Iwokeuptothesoundofsomeonebreakingintothehouse.Iheardbangingonthedoorandthensomeonemessingwiththedoorknob.AtfirstIjustlaythereundermyblankets,scaredoutofmymindandtryingnottobreathetooloud.Ikeptthinking,ohmyGod,ohmyGod,it’sjustlikeinHomeAlone.WhatwouldKevindo?WhatwouldKevindo?Kevinwouldprobablybooby-trapthefronthall,buttherewasnotimeforanyofthat.
Andthentheburglarcalledout,“Steven?Areyouinthere?”
Ithought,ohmyGod,theotherrobberisalreadyinthehouseandhisnameisSteven!
Ihidundertheblanket,andthenIthought,Kevinwouldnothideunderablanket.Hewouldprotecthishouse.
Itookthebrasspokerfromthefireplaceandmycellphone,andIcreptovertothefoyer.Iwastooscaredtolookoutthewindow,andIdidn’twanthimtoseeme,soIjustpressedmybodyupagainstthedoorandlistenedhard,myfingeronthenumbernine.
“Steve,openup.It’sme.”
Myheartnearlystoppedbeating.Iknewthatvoice.Itwasnotthevoiceofaburglar.ItwasConrad.
Iflungthedooropen.Itreallywashim.Igazedathim,andhegazedback.Ididn’tknowitwouldfeelthatwaytoseehimagain.Heartinmythroat,hardtobreathe.Forthosecoupleofseconds,Iforgoteverythingandtherewasjusthim.
HewaswearingawintercoatIhadneverseenbefore,camelcolored,andhewassuckingonaminicandycane.Itfelloutofhismouth.“Whatintheworld?”hesaid,hismouthstillopen.
WhenIhuggedhim,hesmelledlikepeppermintandChristmas.
Hischeekwascoldagainstmine.“Whyareyouholdingapoker?”
Isteppedback.“Ithoughtyouwereaburglar.”
“Ofcourseyoudid.”
Hefollowedmebacktothelivingroomandsatinthechairoppositethecouch.Hestillhadthatshockedlookonhisface.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Ishruggedandsetthepokeronthecoffeetable.Myadrenalinerushwasfadingfast,andIwasstartingtofeelprettysilly.“Iwasallaloneathome,andIjustfeltlikecoming.Whatareyoudoinghere?Ididn’tevenknowyouwerecomingback.”
ConradwasinCalifornianow.Ihadn’tseenhimsincehe’dtransferredtheyearbefore.Hehadsomescruffonhisface,likehehadn’tshavedinacoupleofdays.Itlookedsoft,though,notprickly.Helookedtan,too,whichIthoughtwasweird,seeinghowitwaswinter,andthenIrememberedthathewenttoschoolinCalifornia,whereitwasalwayssunny.
“Mydadsentmeaticketatthelastminute.Ittookusforevertoland,becauseofthesnow,soIgotherelate.SinceJereandmydadarestillinNewYork,IfiguredI’djustcomehere.”Hesquintedatme.
“What?”Iasked,feelingself-consciousallofasudden.Itriedtosmoothdownthebackofmyhair—itwasallfuzzyfrombeingslepton.Discreetly,Itouchedthecornersofmymouth.HadIbeendrooling?
“Youhavechocolatealloveryourface.”
Iwipedatmymouthwiththebackofmyhand.“No,Idon’t,”Ilied.“It’sprobablyjustdirt.”
Amused,heraisedhiseyebrowsatthenear-emptycanofchocolate-coveredpretzels.“What,didyoujustputyourwholeheadinittosavetime?”
“Shutit,”Isaid,butIcouldn’thelpsmiling.
TheonlylightintheroomwasfromtheflickeringTV.Itwassosurreal,beingwithhimlikethis.Atrulyrandomtwistofwhatfeltlikefate.Ishiveredanddrewmyblanketsclosertome.
Takingoffhiscoat,hesaid,“Wantmetostartafire?”
Rightaway,Isaid,“Yes!Icouldn’tgetitgoingforsomereason.”
“Ittakesaspecialtouch,”hesaidinhisarrogantway.Iknewbynowitwasonlyposturing.
Itwasallsofamiliar.Wehadbeenherebefore,justlikethis,onlytwoChristmasesago.Somuchhadhappenedsincethen.Hehadawholenewlifenow,andsodidI.Still,insomeways,itwaslikenotimeordistancehadpassedbetweenus.Insomeways,itfeltthesame.
Maybehewasthinkingthesamething,becausehesaid,“Itmightbetoolateforafire.IthinkI’mjustgonnagocrash.”Abruptly,hestoodupandheadedforthestaircase.Thenheturnedbackandasked,“Areyousleepingdownhere?”
“Yup,”Isaid.“Snugasabuginarug.”
Whenhereachedthestaircase,Conradstoppedandthensaid,“MerryChristmas,Belly.It’sreallygoodtoseeyou.”
“Youtoo.”
Thenextmorning,rightwhenIwokeup,Ihadthisfunnyfeelingthathehadalreadyleft.Idon’tknowwhy.Iranovertothestairstocheck,andjustasIwascomingaroundthebanister,Itrippedovermypajamapantsandfellflatonmyback,bangingmyheadalongtheway.
Ilaytherewithtearsinmyeyes,staringupattheceiling.Thepainwasunreal.ThenConrad’sheadpoppedupaboveme.“Areyouokay?”heasked,hismouthfulloffood,cerealprobably.Hetriedtohelpmesitup,butIwavedhimoff.
“Leavemealone,”Imumbled,hopingthatifIjustblinkedfastenough,mytearswoulddryup.
“Areyouhurt?Canyoumove?”
“Ithoughtyouweregone,”Isaid.
“Nope.Stillhere.”Hekneltdownbesideme.“Justletmetryandliftyouup.”
Ishookmyheadno.
Conradgotdownonthefloornexttome,andwebothlaythereonthewoodenfloorlikewewereabouttostartmakingsnowangels.“Howbaddoesithurt,onascaleofonetoten?Doesitfeellikeyoupulledsomething?”
“Onascaleofonetoten…ithurtsaneleven.”
“You’resuchababywhenitcomestopain,”hesaid,buthesoundedworried
“Iamnot.”Iwasabouttoprovehimright.EvenIcouldhearhowtearyIsounded.
“Hey,thatfallyoutookwasnojoke.Itwasjustlikehowanimalsslipandfallincartoons,likewithabananapeel.”
SuddenlyIdidn’tfeellikecryinganymore.“Areyoucallingmeananimal?”Idemanded,turningmyheadtolookathim.Hewastryingtokeepastraightface,butthecornersofhismouthkeptturningup.Thenheturnedhisheadtolookatme,andwebothstartedlaughing.Ilaughedsohardmybackhurtworse.
Mid-laugh,Istoppedandsaid,“Ow.”
Hesatupandsaid,“I’mgonnapickyouupandbringyouovertothecouch.”
“No,”Iprotestedweakly.“I’mtooheavyforyou.I’llgetupinaminute,justleavemeherefornow.”
Conradfrowned,andIcouldtellhewasoffended.“IknowIcan’tbench-pressmybodyweightlikeJere,butIcanpickupagirl,Belly.”
Iblinked.“It’snotthat.I’mheavierthanyouthink.Youknow,freshmanfifteenorwhatever.”Myfacegothot,andImomentarilyforgotabouthowbadlymybackhurtorhowweirditwasthathe’dbroughtupJere.Ijustfeltembarrassed.
Inaquietvoice,hesaid,“Well,youlookthesametome.”Then,verygently,hescoopedmeoffthefloorandintohisarms.Iheldonwithonearmaroundhisneck,andsaid,“Itwasmoreliketen.Freshmanten.”
Hesaid,“Don’tworry.I’vegotyou.”
Hecarriedmeovertothecouchandsetmedown.“I’mgonnagetyousomeAdvil.Thatshouldhelpalittle.”
Lookingupathim,Ihadthissuddenthought.
OhmyGod.Istillloveyou.
I’dthoughtmyfeelingsforConradweresafelytuckedaway,likemyoldRollerbladesandthelittlegoldwatchmydadboughtmewhenIfirstlearnedhowtotelltime.
Butjustbecauseyouburysomething,thatdoesn’tmeanitstopsexisting.Thosefeelings,they’dbeenthereallalong.Allthattime.Ihadtojustfaceit.HewasapartofmyDNA.IhadbrownhairandIhadfrecklesandIwouldalwayshaveConradinmyheart.Hewouldinhabitjustthattinypieceofit,thelittle-girlpartthatstillbelievedinmusicals,butthatwasit.Thatwasallhegot.Jeremiahwouldhaveeverythingelse—thepresentmeandthefutureme.Thatwaswhatwasimportant.Notthepast
Maybethatwashowitwaswithallfirstloves.Theyownalittlepieceofyourheart,always.Conradattwelve,thirteen,fourteen,fifteen,sixteen,evenseventeenyearsold.Fortherestofmylife,Iwouldthinkofhimfondly,thewayyoudoyourfirstpet,thefirstcaryoudrove.Firstswereimportant.ButIwasprettysurelastswereevenmoreimportant.AndJeremiah,hewasgoingtobemylastandmyeveryandmyalways.
ConradandIspenttherestofthatdaytogetherbutnottogether.Hestartedafire,andthenhereadatthekitchentablewhileIwatchedIt’saWonderfulLife.Forlunch,wehadcannedtomatosoupandtherestofmychocolate-coveredpretzels.ThenhewentforarunonthebeachandIsettledinforCasablanca.IwaswipingtearsfromthecornersofmyeyeswithmyT-shirtsleevewhenhecameback.“Thismoviemakesmyhearthurt,”Icroaked.
Takingoffhisfleece,Conradsaid,“Why?Ithadahappyending.ShewasbetteroffwithLaszlo.”
Ilookedathiminsurprise.“You’veseenCasablanca?”
“Ofcourse.It’saclassic.”
“Well,obviouslyyouweren’tpayingthatcloseofattention,becauseRickandIlsaaremeantforeachother.”
Conradsnorted.“TheirlittlelovestoryisnothingcomparedtotheworkLaszlowasdoingfortheResistance.”
Blowingmynosewithanapkin,Isaid,“Forayoungguy,you’rewaytoocynical.”
Herolledhiseyes.“Andforasupposedlygrowngirl,you’rewaytooemotional.”Heheadedforthestairs.
“Robot!”Iyelledathisback.“Tinman!”
Iheardhimlaughingasheclosedthebathroomdoor.
Thenextmorning,Conradwasgone.HeleftjustlikeIthoughthe’dleave.Nogood-bye,nonothing.Justgone,likeaghost.Conrad,theGhostofChristmasPast.
JeremiahcalledmewhenIwasonthewaybackhomefromCousins.HeaskedwhatIwasdoing,andItoldhimIwasdrivinghome,butIdidn’ttellhimwhereIwasdrivingfrom.Itwasasplit-seconddecision.AtthetimeIdidn’tknowwhyIlied.IjustknewIdidn’twanthimtoknow.
IdecidedConradwasrightafterall.IlsawasmeanttobewithLaszlo.Thatwasthewayitwasalwayssupposedtoend.Rickwasnothingbutatinypieceofherpast,apiecethatshewouldalwaystreasure,butthatwasall,becausehistoryisjustthat.History.
chapternine
AfterIleftAnika’sroom,Iturnedonmyphone.Thereweretextsande-mailsfromJeremiah,andtheykeptcoming.Igotundermycoversandreadthemall,eachandeveryone.ThenIrereadthem,andwhenIwasdone,Ifinallywrotehimbackandsaid,Givemesomespace.HewroteOK,andthatwasthelasttextIgotfromhimthatday.Istillkeptcheckingmyphonetoseeiftherewasanythingfromhim,andwhentherewasn’t,Iwasdisappointed,eventhoughIknewIdidn’thavearighttobe.Iwantedhimtoleavemealone,andIwantedhimtokeeptryingtofixthings.ButifIdidn’tknowwhatIwanted,howcouldhepossibly?
Istayedinmyroom,packingup.Iwashungry,andIstillhadmealsleftonmymealcard,butIwasafraidImightrunintoLacieoncampus.Orworse,Jeremiah.Still,itwasgoodtohavesomethingtodoandtobeabletoturnthemusiconloudwithouthavingtohearmyroommateJilliancomplain.
WhenIcouldn’ttakethehungeranymore,IcalledTaylorandtoldhereverything.Shescreamedsoloud,Ihadtoholdthephoneawayfrommyear.Shecamerightoverwithablack-beanburritoandastrawberry-bananasmoothie.Shekeptshakingherheadandsaying,“ThatZetaPhislut.”
“Itwasn’tjusther,itwashim,too,”Isaid,betweenbitesofmyburrito.
“Oh,Iknow.Justyouwait.I’mgonnadragmynailsacrosshisfacewhenIseehim.I’llleavehimsoscarred,nogirlwilleverhookupwithhimagain.”Sheinspectedhermanicurednailsliketheywereartillery.“WhenIgotothesalontomorrow,I’mgonnatellDanielletomakethemsharp.”
Myheartswelled.Therearesomethingsonlyafriendwho’sknownyouyourwholelifecansay,andinstantly,Ifeltalittlebetter.“Youdon’thavetoscarhim.”
“ButIwantto.”Shehookedherpinkyfingerwithmine.“Areyouokay?”
Inodded.“Better,nowthatyou’rehere.”
WhenIwassuckingdownthelastofmysmoothie,Tayloraskedme,“Doyouthinkyou’lltakehimback?”
Iwassurprisedandreallyrelievednottohearanyjudgmentinhervoice.“Whatwouldyoudo?”Iaskedher.
“It’suptoyou.”
“Iknow,but…wouldyoutakehimback?”
“Underordinarycircumstances,no.Ifsomeguycheatedonmewhilewewereonabreak,ifhesomuchaslookedatanothergirl,no.He’dbedonzo.”Shechewedonherstraw.“ButJeremy’snotsomeguy.Youhaveahistorytogether.”
“Whathappenedtoallthattalkaboutscarringhim?”
“Don’tgetittwisted,Ihatehimtodeathrightnow.Heeffedupinacolossalway.Buthe’llneverbejustsomeguy,nottoyou.That’safact.”
Ididn’tsayanything.ButIknewshewasright.
“Icouldstillroundupmysororitysistersandgoslashhistirestonight.”Taylorbumpedmyshoulder.“Hmm?Whaddyathink?”
Shewastryingtomakemelaugh.Itworked.Ilaughedforthefirsttimeinwhatfeltlikealongtime.
chapterten
Afterourfightthesummerbeforesenioryear,IreallythoughtthatTaylorandIwouldmakeupfast,thewaywealwaysdid.Ithoughtitwouldblowoverinaweek,tops.Becausewhatwerewereallyevenmadabout?Sure,webothsaidsomehurtfulthings—Icalledherachild,shecalledmeacrappybestfriend,butitwasn’tlikewe’dneverhadafightbefore.Bestfriendsfought.
WhenIgothomefromCousins,IputTaylor’sshoesandherclothesinabag,readytotakethemovertoherhouseassoonasshegavemethesignalthatweweredonebeingmadateachother.ItwasalwaysTaylorwhogavethesignal,shewastheonewhoinitiatedmakingup.
Iwaited,butitdidn’tcome.IwenttoMarcy’sacoupleoftimes,hopingI’drunintoherandwe’dbeforcedtotalkthingsout.ThosetimesIwasatMarcy’s,shenevercame.Weekspassed.Thesummerwasalmostover.
Jeremiahkeptsayingthesamethinghe’dbeensayingforallofJulyandmostofAugust.“Don’tworry,youguyswillmakeup.Youguysalwaysmakeup.”
“Youdon’tgetit,thisisn’tlikebefore,”Itoldhim.“Shewouldn’tevenlookatme.”
“Allofthisoveraparty,”hesaid,whichpissedmeoff.
“It’snotoveraparty.”
“Iknow,Iknow—holdonasec,Bells.”Iheardhimtalkingtosomeone,andthenhecamebackonthephone.“Ourhotwingsjustgothere.WantmetocallyoubackafterIeat?Icanbequick.”
“No,that’sallright,”Isaid.
“Don’tbemad.”
Isaid,“I’mnot,”andIwasn’t.Notreally.HowcouldheunderstandwhatwasgoingonwithmeandTaylor?Hewasaguy.Hedidn’tgetit.Hedidn’tgethowimportant,howreallyandtrulyvital,itwastomethatTaylorandIstartoffourlastyearofhighschooltogetherbyeachother’sside.
Sowhycouldn’tIjustcallher,then?Itwaspartlyprideandpartlysomethingelse.Iwastheonewhohadbeenpullingawayfromherthiswholetime,shewastheonewhohadbeenholdingon.MaybeIthoughtIwasgrowingpasther,maybeitwasallforthebest.We’dhavetosaygood-byenextfall,maybeitwouldbeeasierthisway.Maybewe’dbeencodependent,maybemoremeonherthantheotherwayaround,andnowIneededtostandonmyownfeet.ThisiswhatItoldmyself.
WhenItoldthistoJeremiahthenextnight,hesaid,“Justcallher.”
Iwasprettysurehewasjustsickofhearingmetalkaboutit,soIsaid,“Maybe.I’llthinkaboutit.”
Theweekbeforeschoolstarted,theweekIusuallycamebackfromCousins,wealwayswentback-to-schoolshoppingtogether.Always.We’dbeendoingitsinceelementaryschool.Shealwaysknewtherightkindofjeanstoget.We’dgotoBath&BodyWorksandgetthose“BuyThree,GetOneFree”kindofdeals,andthenwe’dcomehomeandspliteverythingupsoweeachhadalotion,abodygel,ascrub.We’dbesetuntilChristmas,atleast.
Thatyear,Iwentwithmymom.Mymomhatedshopping.WewerewaitinginlinetopayforjeanswhenTaylorandhermomwalkedintothestorecarryingacoupleofshoppingbagseach.“Luce!”mymomcalledout.
Mrs.Jewelwavedandcamerightover,withTaylortrailingbehindherwearingsunglassesandcutoffshorts.MymomhuggedTaylor,andMrs.Jewelhuggedmeandsaid,“It’sbeenalongtime,honey.”
Tomymom,shesaid,“Laurel,canyoubelieveourlittlegirlsareallgrownupnow?Mygosh,Irememberwhentheyinsistedondoingeverythingtogether.Baths,haircuts,everything.”
“Iremember,”mymothersaid,smiling.
IcaughtTaylor’seye.Ourmomskeptontalking,andwejuststoodtherelookingateachotherbutnotreally.
Afteraminute,Taylorpulledouthercellphone.Ididn’twanttoletthismomentpasswithoutsayingsomethingtoher.Iasked,“Didyougetanythinggood?”
Shenodded.Sinceshewaswearingsunglasses,itwashardtotellwhatshewasthinking.ButIknewTaylorwell.Shelovedtobragaboutherbargains.
Taylorhesitatedandthensaid,“Igotsomehotbootsfortwenty-fivepercentoff.AndacoupleofsundressesthatIcanwinterizewithtightsandsweaters.”
Inodded.Thenitwasourturntopay,andIsaid,“Well,seeyouatschool.”
“Seeyou,”shesaid,turningaway.
Withoutthinking,IhandedthejeanstomymomandstoppedTaylor.ItcouldbethelasttimeweevertalkedtoeachotherifIdidn’tsaysomething.“Wait,”Isaid.“Doyouwanttocomeovertonight?Iboughtanewskirt,butIdon’tknowifIshouldtuckshirtsintoitorwhat…”
Shepursedherlipsforasecondandthensaid,“Okay.Callme.”
Taylordidcomeoverthatnight.Sheshowedmehowtoweartheskirt—whichshoeslookedbestwithitandwhichtops.Thingsweren’tthesamewithus,notrightaway,andmaybenotever.Weweregrowingup.Wewerestillfiguringouthowtobeineachother’sliveswithoutbeingeverythingtoeachother.
Thetrulyironicthingisthatweendedupatthesameschool.Ofalltheschoolsinalltheworld,weendedupateachother’s.Itwasfated.Weweremeanttobefriends.Weweremeanttobeineachother’slives,andyouknowwhat?Iwelcomedit.Weweren’ttogetherallthetimelikeweusedtobe—shehadhersororityfriends,Ihadmyfriendsfrommyhall.Butwestillhadeachother.
chaptereleven
Thenextday,Icouldn’tholdoutanylonger.IcalledJeremiah.ItoldhimIneededtoseehim,thatheshouldcomeover,andmyvoiceshookasIsaidit.Overthephone,Icouldhearhowgratefulhewas,howeagertomakeamends.ItriedtojustifycallinghimsofastbytellingmyselfthatIneededtoseehimface-to-faceinordertomoveon.Thetruthwas,Imissedhim.I,probablyjustasmuchashedid,wantedtofigureoutawaytoforgetwhathadhappened.
ButasmuchasI’dmissedhim,whenIopenedmydoorandsawhisfaceagain,allthehurtcamerushingback,hardandfast.Jeremiahcouldseeittoo.Atfirsthelookedhopeful,andthenhejustlookeddevastated.Whenhetriedtopullmetohim,Iwantedtohughim,butIcouldn’tletmyself.InsteadIshookmyheadandpushedhimawayfromme.
Wesatonmybed,ourbacksagainstthewall,ourlegshangingofftheedge.
Isaid,“HowwouldIknowthatyouwouldn’tdoitagain?HowwouldIbeabletotrustthat?”
Hegotup.ForasecondIthoughthewasleaving,andmyheartnearlystopped.
Butthenhegotdownononeknee,rightinfrontofme.Verysoftly,hesaid,“Youcouldmarryme.”
AtfirstIwasn’tsureI’dheardhimright.Butthenhesaiditagain,thistimelouder.“Marryme.”
Hereachedintohisjeanspocketandpulledoutaring.Asilverringwithalittlediamondinthecenter.“Thiswouldjustbeforstarters,untilIcouldaffordtopayforaringmyself—withmymoney,notmydad’s.”
Icouldn’tfeelmybody.Hewasstilltalking,andIcouldn’tevenhear.AllIcoulddowasstareattheringinhishand.
“Iloveyousomuch.Thesepastcoupleofdayshavebeenhellformewithoutyou.”Hetookabreath.“I’msosorryforhurtingyou,Bells.WhatIdid—wasunforgivable.IknowthatIhurtus,thatI’mgoingtohavetoworkreallyhardtogetyoutotrustmeagain.I’lldowhateverittakesifyou’llletme.Wouldyou…bewillingtoletmetry?”
“Idon’tknow,”Iwhispered.
Heswallowed,andhisAdam’sapplebobbedupanddown.“I’lltrysohard,Isweartoyou.We’llgetanapartmentoffcampus,wecanfixitupnice.I’lldothelaundry.I’lllearnhowtocookstuffotherthanramenandcereal.”
“Puttingcerealinabowlisn’treallycooking,”Isaid,lookingawayfromhimbecausethispicturehewasputtinginmyhead,itwastoomuch.Icouldseeittoo.Howsweetitcouldbe.Thetwoofus,juststartingout,inourownplace.
Jeremiahgrabbedmyhands,andIsnatchedthemawayfromhim.Hesaid,“Don’tyousee,Belly?It’sbeenourstoryallalong.Yoursandmine.Nobodyelse’s.”
Iclosedmyeyes,tryingtoclearmyhead.Openingthem,Isaid,“Youjustwanttoerasewhatyoudidbymarryingme.”
“No.That’snotwhatthisis.Whathappenedtheothernight”—hehesitated—“itmademerealizesomething.Idon’teverwanttobewithoutyou.Ever.Youaretheonlygirlforme.I’vealwaysknownit.Inthiswholeworld,IwillneverloveanothergirlthewayIloveyou.”
Hetookmyhandagain,andthistimeIdidn’tpullawayfromhim.“Doyoustillloveme?”heasked.
Iswallowed.“Yeah.”
“Thenplease,marryme.”
Isaid,“Youcan’teverhurtmelikethatagain.”Itwashalfwarning,halfplea.
“Iwon’t,”hesaid,andIknewhemeantit.
Helookedatmesodeterminedly,soearnestly.Iknewhisfacewell,maybebetterthananybodynow.Everyline,everycurve.Thelittlebumponhisnosefromwhenhebrokeitsurfing,thealmost-fadedscaronhisforeheadfromthetimeheandConradwerewrestlingintherecroomandtheyknockedaplantover.Iwasthereforthosemoments.MaybeIknewhisfaceevenbetterthanmyown—thehoursI’dspentstaringatitwhileheslept,tracingmyfingeralonghischeekbone.Maybehe’ddonethesamethingstome.
Ididn’twanttoseeamarkonhisfaceonedayandnotknowhowitgotthere.Iwantedtobewithhim.HiswasthefaceIloved.
Wordlessly,Islippedmylefthandoutofhis,andJeremiah’sfaceslackened.ThenIheldoutmyhandforhim,andhiseyeslitup.ThejoyIfeltinthatmoment—Icouldn’tevenputitintowords.Hishandshookasheplacedtheringonmyfinger.
Heasked,“IsabelConklin,willyoumarryme?”inasseriousavoiceasI’deverheardhimuse.
“Yes,I’llmarryyou,”Isaid.
Heputhisarmsaroundme,andweheldontoeachother,clinginglikeweweretheother’ssafeharbor.AllIcouldthinkwas,ifwejustgetthroughthisstorm,wewillmakeit.He’dmademistakes,Ihadtoo.Butwelovedeachother,andthatwaswhatmattered.
Wemadeplansallnight—wherewewouldlive,howwewouldtellourparents.Thepastfewdaysfeltlikeanotherlifetimeago.Thatday,withoutanotherwordaboutit,wedecidedtoleavethepastinthepast.Thefuturewaswherewewereheaded.
chaptertwelve
ThatnightIdreamedofConrad.IwasthesameageIwasnow,buthewasyounger,tenorelevenmaybe.Ithinkhemightevenhavebeenwearingoveralls.Weplayedoutsidemyhouseuntilitgotdark,justrunningaroundtheyard.Isaid,“Susannahwillbewonderingwhereyouare.Youshouldgohome.”Hesaid,“Ican’t.Idon’tknowhow.Willyouhelpme?”AndthenIwassad,becauseIdidn’tknowhoweither.Weweren’tatmyhouseanymore,anditwassodark.Wewereinthewoods.Wewerelost.
WhenIwokeup,IwascryingandJeremiahwasasleepnexttome.Isatupinthebed.Itwasdark,theonlylightintheroomwasmyalarmclock.Itread4:57.Ilaybackdown.
Iwipedmyeyes,andthenIbreathedinJeremiah’sscent,thesweetnessofhisface,thewayhischestroseandfellashebreathed.Hewasthere.Hewassolidandrealandnexttome,crammedinclosethewayyouhavetobewhenyouaresleepinginadorm-roombed.Wewerethatclosenow.
Inthemorning,whenIwokeup,Ididn’trememberrightaway.Thedreamwasthereinthebackofmyhead,inaplaceIcouldn’tgetto.Itwasfadingfast,almostalltheway,butnotquite,notyet.Ihadtothinkhardandfasttopieceitalltogether,toholdontoit.
Istartedtositup,butJeremiahpulledmebacktowardhimandsaid,“Fivemoreminutes.”Hewasthebigspoon,andIwasthelittlespoontuckedintomyspotinhisarms.Iclosedmyeyes,willingmyselftorememberbeforeitwasgone.Likethoselastfewsecondsbeforethesunsets—going,going,andthengone.Remember,remember,orthedreamwillslipawayforever.
Jeremiahstartedtosaysomethingaboutbreakfast,andIcoveredhismouthandsaid,“Shh.Onesec.”
AndthenIhadit.Conrad,andhowfunnyhelookedinhisdenimoveralls.Thetwoofusplayingoutsideforhours.Iletoutasigh.Ifeltsorelieved.
“Whatwereyousaying?”IaskedJeremiah.
“Breakfast,”hesaid,plantingakissonmypalm.
Snugglinginclosertohim,Isaid,“Fivemoreminutes.”
chapterthirteen
Iwantedtotelleveryoneface-to-face,allatonce.Inaweirdway,itwouldbeperfecttiming.OurfamilieswouldbetogetherinCousinsinaweek.Abattered-women’sshelterthatSusannahhadvolunteeredatandfund-raisedforhadplantedagardeninherhonor,andtherewasgoingtobealittleceremonynextSaturday.Wewereallgoing—me,Jere,mymom,hisdad,Steven.Conrad.
Ihadn’tseenConradsinceChristmas.Hewassupposedtoflybackformymother’sfiftiethbirthdayparty,buthebailedatthelastminute.“TypicalCon,”Jeremiahhadsaid,shakinghishead.He’dlookedatme,waitingformetoagree.Ididn’tsayanything.
MymotherandConradhadaspecialrelationship,alwayshad.TheygoteachotheronsomelevelIdidn’tunderstand.AfterSusannahdied,theybecamecloser,maybebecausetheygrievedforherinthesameway—alone.MymomandConradspokeonthephoneoften,aboutwhatIdidn’tknow.Sowhenhedidn’tcome,Icouldseehowdisappointedshewas,eventhoughshedidn’tsayso.Iwantedtotellher,Lovehimallyouwant,butdon’texpectanythinginreturn.Conradisn’tsomeonewhocanbecountedon.
Hedidsendanicebouquetofredzinnias,though.“Myfavorite,”she’dsaid,beaming.
Whatwouldhesaywhenwetoldhimournews?Icouldn’tbegintoguess.WhenitcametoConrad,Iwasneversureofanything.
Iworried,too,aboutwhatmymotherwouldsay.Jeremiahwasn’tworried,buthesorarelywas.Hesaid,“Oncetheyknowwe’reserious,they’llhavetogetonboard,becausetheywon’tbeabletostopus.We’readultsnow.”
Wewerewalkingbackfromthedininghall.Jeremiahdroppedmyhand,jumpedontoabench,threwhisheadback,andyelled,“Hey,everybody!BellyConklinisgonnamarryme!”
Afewpeopleturnedtolookbutthenkeptwalking.
“Getdownfromthere,”Isaid,laughingandcoveringmyfacewithmyhoodie.
Hejumpedbackdownandranaroundthebenchonce,hisarmsupandoutlikeanairplane.Hezoomedbackovertomeandliftedmeupbythearmpits.“Comeon,fly,”heencouraged
Irolledmyeyesandmovedmyarmsupanddown.“Happy?”
“Yes,”hesaid,settingmebackdownontheground.
Iwastoo.ThiswastheJereIknew.Thiswastheboyfromthebeachhouse.Gettingengaged,promisingtobeeachother’sforever,itmademefeellikeevenwithallthechangesoverthepastfewyears,hewasstillthesameboyandIwasstillthesamegirl.Nownobodycouldtakethatawayfromus,notanymore.
chapterfourteen
IknewIhadtotalktoTaylorandAnikabeforemydadcameandgotmeinthemorning.Idebatedjusttellingthemtogether,butIknewthatTaylorwouldbehurtifIlumpedher,myoldestfriend,withAnika,whoIhadknownforlessthanayear.IhadtotellTaylorfirst.Iowedherthatmuch.
Iknewshe’dthinkwewerecrazy.Gettingbacktogetherwasonething,butgettingmarriedwassomethingelseentirely.Unlikemostofhersororitysisters,Taylordidn’twanttogetmarrieduntilshewasatleasttwenty-eight.
IcalledandaskedhertomeetmeattheDripHouse,thecoffeeshopeveryonestudiedat.ItoldherIhadnews.Shetriedtogetitoutofmeoverthephone,butIresisted,saying,“It’sthekindofnewsyouhavetotellinperson.”
TaylorwasalreadyseatedwithhernonfaticedlattewhenIgotthere.ShehadonherRay-Bans,andshewastexting.Sheputdownherphonewhenshesawme.
Isatdownacrossfromher,carefultokeepmyhandinmylap.
Takingoffhersunglasses,shesaid,“You’relookingmuchbettertoday.”
“Thanks,Tay.Ifeelalotbetter.”
“Sowhat’sup?”Shescrutinizedme.“Didyouguysgetbacktogether?Ordidyoubreakupforreal?”
Iheldupmylefthandwithaflourish.Shelookedatit,confused.Thenhereyesfocusedonmyringfinger.
Taylor’seyesturnedhuge.“You’reeffingkiddingme.You’reengaged?!”shescreamed.Acoupleofpeopleturnedaroundandlookedatus,annoyed.Ishrankdowninmyseatalittle.Grabbingmyhand,shesaid,“OhmyGod!Letmeseethatthing!”
Icouldtellshethoughtitwastoosmall,butIdidn’tcare.
“OhmyGod,”shesaid,stillstaringatthering.
“Iknow,”Isaid.
“But,Belly…hecheatedonyou.”
“We’restartingoverfresh.Ireallylovehim,Tay.”
“Yeah,butthetimingiskindasuspect,”shesaidslowly.“Imean,it’sreallysudden.”
“Itisanditisn’t.Yousaidityourself.ThisisJerewe’retalkingabout.He’stheloveofmylife.”
Shejuststaredatme,hermouthanO.Shesputtered,“But—butwhycan’tyouwaitatleastuntilafteryoufinishcollege?”
“Wedon’tseethepointinwaitingifwe’regonnagetmarriedanyways.”ItookasipofTaylor’sdrink.“We’regonnagetanapartment.Youcanhelpmepickoutcurtainsandstuff.”
“Iguess,”shesaid.“Butwait,whataboutyourmom?DidLaurelfliphershit?”
“We’retellingmymomandhisdadnextweekinCousins.We’lltellmydadafter.”
Sheperkedup.“Wait,sonobodyevenknowsyet?Justme?”
Inodded,andIcouldtellTaylorwaspleased.Shelovesbeinginonasecret—it’soneofhertopfavoritethingsinlife.
“It’sgonnabeanapocalypse,”shesaid,takingherdrinkback.“Like,deadbodies.Like,bloodinthestreets.AndwhenIsayblood,Imeanyourblood.”
“Gee,thanksalot,Tay.”
“I’mjustspeakingthetruth.LaurelistheOGfeminist.She’slikeGloriafreakingSteinem.She’snotgonnalikethisonebit.She’llgoallTerminatoronhisass.Andyours.”
“MymomlovesJeremiah.SheandSusannahalwaystalkedaboutmemarryingoneofhersons.Itmightbe,like,adreamcometrueforher.Infact,Ibetitwillbe.”Iknewthatwasn’ttheleastbittrueevenasIwassayingit.
Taylorlookedunconvincedtoo.“Maybe,”shesaid.“Sowhenisthishappening?”
“ThisAugust.”
“That’sreally,reallysoon.Hardlygivesusanytimetoplan.”Chewingonherstraw,shecastasneakylookmyway.“Whataboutbridesmaids?Areyougoingtohaveamaidofhonor?”
“Idon’tknow….Wewantittobereallysmall.We’regonnadoitattheCousinshouse.Reallycasual,like,notabigdeal.”
“Notabigdeal?You’regettingmarriedandyoudon’twantittobeabigdeal?”
“Ididn’tmeanitlikethat.Ijustdon’tcareaboutallthatstuff.AllIwantistobewithJeremiah.”
“Allwhatstuff?”
“Like,bridesmaidsandweddingcake.Stufflikethat.”
“Liar!”Shepointedherfingeratme.“Youwantedfivebridesmaidsandafourtiercarrotcake.Youwantedanicesculptureofahumanheartwithyourinitialscarvedintoit.Which,bytheway,isgross.”
“Tay!”
Sheheldupherhandtostopme.“Youwantedalivebandandcrabcakesandaballoondropafteryourfirstdance.Whatwasthatsongyouwantedtodanceto?”
“‘Stay’byMauriceWilliamsandtheZodiacs,”Isaidautomatically.“ButTaylor,IwasprobablytenyearsoldwhenIsaidallthatstuff.”Iwasreallytouchedthatsheremembered,though.ButIguessedIrememberedeverythingTaylorwantedtoo.Doves,littlelacegloves,hot-pinkstilettoheels.
“Youshouldhaveeverythingyouwant,Belly,”Taylorsaid,herchinjuttingoutinherstubbornTaylorway.“Youonlygetmarriedonce.”
“Iknow,butwedon’thavethemoney.Andanyway,Idon’treallycareaboutthosethingsanymore.Thatwaskidstuff.”ButmaybeIdidn’thavetodoallofit,maybejustsomeofit.MaybeIcouldstillhavearealwedding,butsimple.Because,itwouldbenicetowearaweddingdressandtohaveafather-daughterdancewithmydad.
“IthoughtJeremy’sdadwasloaded.Can’theaffordtogiveyouarealwedding?”
“There’snowaymymomwouldlethimpayforit.Besides,likeIsaid,wedon’twantanythingfancy.”
“Okay,”sheconceded.“We’llforgettheicesculpture.Butballoonsarecheap—wecanstilldoballoons.Andthecarrotcake.Wecouldjustdoaregulartwo-layer,Iguess.AndIdon’tcarewhatyousay,you’rewearingaweddingdress.”
“Thatsoundsgood,”Iagreed,takingasipofherdrink.ItfeltreallynicetohaveTaylor’sblessing.Itwaslikegettingpermissiontobeexcited,somethingIdidn’tknowIneededorwanted.
“Andyou’llstillhavebridesmaids.Oratleastamaidofhonor.”
“I’lljusthaveyou.”
Taylorlookedpleased.“ButwhataboutAnika?Youdon’twantAnikatobeabridesmaid?”
“Hmm,maybe,”Isaid,andwhenherfacefell,justslightly,Iadded,“ButIwantyoutobemymaidofhonor.Okay?”
Tearsfilledhereyes.“I’msohonored.”
TaylorJewel,myoldestfriendintheworld.We’dbeenthroughsometimestogether,andIknewnowitwaspuregracethatwe’dmanagedtocomeouttheotherside.
chapterfifteen
Anikawasnext,andIwasdreadingit.Irespectedheropinion.Ididn’twanthertothinklessofme.Theprospectofbeingabridesmaidwasn’tgoingtohaveanyswayoverher.Thatwasn’tsomethingshewouldcareabouteitherway.
Wehaddecidedtoroomtogetherthatfall,inasuitewithtwoofourotherfriends,ShayandLynn,inthenewdormontheothersideofcampus.AnikaandIweregoingtobuycuteplatesandcups,shewasbringingherfridge,andIwasbringingmyTV.Everythingwasset.
Wewerehangingoutinherroomlaterthatnight.Iwaspackingherbooksinsideabigcrate,andshewasrollingupherposters.
Theradiowason,andourcampusstationwasplayingMadonna’s“ThePowerofGood-Bye.”Maybeitwasasign.
Isatonthefloor,puttingawaythelastbook,tryingtodrumupthecouragetotellher.Nervously,Ilickedmylips.“Ani,IhavesomethingIneedtotalktoyouabout,”Isaid.
She’dbeenstrugglingwiththemovieposteronthebackofherdoor.“What’sup?”
There’snogreaterpowerthanthepowerofgood-bye.
Iswallowed.“Ifeelreallybadhavingtodothistoyou.”
Anikaturnedaround.“Dowhat?”
“I’mnotgoingtobeabletoroomwithyounextsemester.”
Hereyebrowswereknittogether.“What?Why?Didsomethinghappen?”
“Jeremiahaskedmetomarryhim.”
Shedidadoubletake.“IsabelConklin!Shuttheshitup.”
Slowly,Iheldupmyhand.
Anikawhistled.“Wow.That’scrazy.”
“Iknow.”
Sheopenedhermouth,thenclosedit.Thenshesaid,“Doyouknowwhatyou’redoing?”
“Yeah.Ithinkso.Ireally,reallylovehim.”
“Whereareyouguysgoingtolive?”
“Inanapartmentoffcampus.”Ihesitated.“Ijustfeelbadaboutlettingyoudown.Areyoumad?”
Shakingherhead,shesaid,“I’mnotmad.Imean,yeah,itsucksthatwewon’tbelivingtogether,butI’llfiguresomethingout.IcouldaskTrinafrommydanceteam.OrmycousinBrandymightbetransferringhere.Shecouldbeourfourth.”
Soitwasn’tsuchabigdealafterall,mynotlivingwiththem.Lifegoeson,Iguessed.Ifeltalittlewistful,imaginingwhatitwouldbelikeifIwasstillthefourth.Shaywasreallygoodatdoinghair,andLynnlovedtobakecupcakes.Itwouldhavebeenfun.
Anikasatdownonherbed.“I’llbefine.I’mjust…surprised.”
“Metoo.”
Whenshedidn’tsayanythingelse,Iasked,“DoyouthinkI’mmakingahugemistake?”
Inherthoughtfulway,sheasked,“DoesitmatterwhatIthink?”
“Yes.”
“It’snotformetojudge,Iz.”
“Butyou’remyfriend.Irespectyouropinion.Idon’twantyoutothinkbadlyofme.”
“Youcaretoomuchaboutwhatotherpeoplethink.”Shesaiditwithsurenessbutalsotenderness.
Ifanyoneelsehadsaidit—mymother,Taylor,evenJere—Iwouldhavebristled.ButnotwithAnika.Withher,Icouldn’treallymind.Inawayitwasflatteringtohaveherseemesoclearlyandstilllikeme.Friendshipincollegewasdifferentthatway.Youspendallthistimewithpeople,sometimeseveryday,everymeal.Therewasnohidingwhoyouwereinfrontofyourfriends.Youwerejustnaked.EspeciallyinfrontofsomeonelikeAnika,whowassofrankandopenandincisiveandsaidwhatevershethought.Shedidn’tmissathing.
Anikasaid,“Atleastyou’llneverhavetowearshowershoesagain.”
“Orhavetopullotherpeople’shairoutofthedrain,”Iadded.“Jeremiah’shairistooshorttogetcaught.”
“You’llneverhavetohideyourfood.”Anika’sroommate,Joy,wasalwaysstealingherfood,andAnikahadtakentohidinggranolabarsinherunderweardrawer.
“Imightactuallyhavetodothat.Jereeatsalot,”Isaid,twistingmyringaroundmyfinger.
Istayedawhilelonger,helpinghertakedowntherestofherposters,collectingthedustbunniesunderherbedwithanoldsockIusedasamitten.WetalkedaboutthemagazineinternshipAnikahadlinedupforthesummer,andmemaybegoingtovisitherinNewYorkforaweekend.
After,Iwalkeddownthehallbacktomyroom.Forthefirsttimeallyear,itwasreallyquiet—nohairdryersgoing,noonesittinginthehallwayonthephone,noonemicrowavingpopcorninthecommonsarea.Alotofpeoplehadalreadygonehomeforthesummer.TomorrowIwouldbegonetoo.
CollegelifeasIknewitwasabouttochange.
chaptersixteen
Ididn’tplantostartgoingbyIsabel.Itjusthappened.Allmylife,everyonehadcalledmeBellyandIdidn’treallyhaveasayinit.Forthefirsttimeinalongtime,Ididhaveasay,butitdidn’toccurtomeuntilwe—Jeremiah,mymom,mydad,andme—werestandinginfrontofmydormroomdooronfreshmanmove-inday.MydadandJeremiahwereluggingtheTV,mymomhadasuitcase,andIwascarryingalaundrybasketwithallmytoiletriesandpictureframes.Sweatwaspouringdownmydad’sback,andhismaroonbutton-downshirthadthreewetspots.Jeremiahwassweatingtoo,sincehe’dbeentryingtoimpressmydadallmorningbyinsistingonbringinguptheheavieststuff.Itmademydadfeelawkward,Icouldtell.
“Hurry,Belly,”mydadsaid,breathinghard.
“She’sIsabelnow,”mymothersaid.
IrememberthewayIfumbledwithmykeyandhowIlookedupatthedoorandsawit.ISABEL,itsaidinglue-onrhinestones.Myroommate’sandmydoortagsweremadeoutofemptyCDcases.Myroommate’s,JillianCapel’s,wasaMariahCareyCD,andminewasPrince.
Jillian’sstuffwasalreadyunpacked,ontheleftsideoftheroom,closertothedoor.Shehadapaisleybedspread,navyandrustyorange.Itlookedbrandnew.She’dalreadyhungupherposters—aTrainspottingmovieposterandsomebandI’dneverheardofcalledRunningWater.
Mydadsatdownattheemptydesk—mydesk.Hepulledoutahandkerchiefandwipedoffhisforehead.Helookedreallytired.“It’sagoodroom,”hesaid.“Goodlight.”
Jeremiahwasjusthoveringaround,andhesaid,“I’llgodowntothecartogetthatbigbox.”
Mydadstartedtogetup.“I’llhelp,”hesaid.
“I’vegotit,”Jeremiahsaid,boundingoutthedoor.
Sittingbackdown,mydadlookedrelieved.“I’lljusttakeabreak,then,”hesaid.
Meanwhile,mymotherwassurveyingtheroom,openingthecloset,lookingindrawers.
Isankdownonthebed.SothiswaswhereIwasgoingtoliveforthenextyear.Nextdoor,someonewasplayingjazz.Downthehall,Icouldhearagirlarguingwithhermotheraboutwheretoputherlaundrybin.Itseemedliketheelevatorneverstoppeddingingopenandclosed.Ididn’tmind.Ilikedthenoise.Itwascomfortingknowingtherewerepeopleallaroundme.
“Wantmetounpackyourclothes?”mymotherasked.
“No,that’sallright,”Isaid.Iwantedtodothatmyself.Thenitwouldreallyfeellikemyroom.
“Atleastletmemakeupyourbed,then,”shesaid.
Whenitwastimetosaygood-bye,Iwasn’tready.IthoughtIwouldbe,butIwasn’t.Mydadstoodthere,hishandsonhiships.Hishairlookedreallygrayinthelight.Hesaid,“Well,weshouldgetgoingifwewanttobeatrush-hourtraffic.”
Irritably,mymothersaid,“We’llbefine.”
Seeingthemtogetherlikethis,itwasalmostliketheyweren’tdivorced,likewewerestillafamily.Iwasovercomewiththissuddenrushofthankfulness.Notalldivorceswereliketheirs.ForSteven’sandmysake,theymadeitworkandtheyweresincereaboutit.Therewasstillgenuineaffectionbetweenthem,butmorethanthat:therewasloveforus.Itwaswhatmadeitpossibleforthemtocometogetherondayslikethis.
Ihuggedmydad,andIwassurprisedtoseetearsinhiseyes.Henevercried.Mymotherhuggedmebriskly,butIknewitwasbecauseshedidn’twanttoletgo.“Makesureyouwashyoursheetsatleasttwiceamonth,”shesaid.
“Okay,”Isaid.
“Andtrymakingyourbedinthemorning.It’llmakeyourroomlooknicer.”
“Okay,”Isaidagain.
Mymotherlookedoverattheothersideoftheroom.“Ijustwishwecouldhavemetyourroommate.”
Jeremiahwassittingatmydesk,hisheaddown,scrollingonhisphonewhilewesaidourgood-byes.
Allofasudden,mydadsaid,“Jeremiah,areyougoingtoleavenowtoo?”
Startled,Jeremiahlookedup.“Oh,IwasgoingtotakeBellytodinner.”
Mymothershotmealook,andIknewwhatshewasthinking.Acoupleofnightsbefore,she’dgivenmethislongspeechaboutmeetingnewpeopleandnotspendingallmytimewithJere.Girlswithboyfriends,she’dsaid,limitthemselvestoacertainkindofcollegeexperience.I’dpromisedherIwouldn’tbeoneofthosekindofgirls.
“Justdon’tgetherbacktoolate,”mydadsaidinthisreallymeaningfulkindofway.
Icouldfeelmycheeksgetred,andthistimemymothergavemydadalook,whichmademefeelevenmoreawkward.ButJeremiahjustsaid,“Oh,yeah,ofcourse,”inhisrelaxedway.
Imetmyroommate,Jillian,laterthatnight,afterdinner.Itwasintheelevator,rightafterJeremiahdroppedmeoffinfrontofthedorm.Irecognizedherrightaway,fromthepicturesonherdresser.Shehadcurlybrownhair,andshewasreallylittle,shorterthanshe’dlookedinthepictures.
Istoodthere,tryingtofigureoutwhattosay.Whentheothergirlsintheelevatorgotoffonthesixthfloor,itwasjustthetwoofus.Iclearedmythroatandsaid,“Excuseme.AreyouJillianCapel?”
“Yeah,”shesaid,andIcouldtellshewasalittleweirdedout.
“I’mIsabelConklin,”Isaid.“Yourroommate.”
IwonderedifIshouldhugherorofferhermyhandtoshake.Ididneither,becauseshewasstaringatme.
“Oh,hi.Howareyou?”Withoutwaitingformetoanswer,shesaid,“I’mjustcomingbackfromdinnerwithmyparents.”Later,Iwouldlearnthatshesaid“Howareyou”alot,likeitwasmoreofathingtosay,notsomethingsheexpectedananswerto.
“I’mgood,”Isaid.“Ijusthaddinnertoo.”
Wegotofftheelevatorthen.Ifeltthisexcitedpitter-patterinmychest,likewow,thisismyroommate.ThiswasthepersonIwasgoingtobelivingwithforawholeyear.I’dthoughtalotabouthersinceIgotmyhousingletter.JillianCapelfromWashington,DC,nonsmoker.I’dimaginedustalkingallnight,sharingsecretsandshoesandmicrowavepopcorn.
Whenwewereinourroom,Jilliansatdownonherbedandsaid,“Doyouhaveaboyfriend?”
“Yeah,hegoesheretoo,”Isaid,sittingonmyhands.Iwaseagertogetrighttothegirltalkandthebonding.“HisnameisJeremiah.He’sasophomore.”
Ijumpedupandgrabbedaphotoofusfrommydesk.Itwasfromgraduation,andJeremiahwaswearingatieandhelookedhandsomeinit.Shyly,Ihandedittoher.
“He’sreallycute,”shesaid.
“Thanks.Doyouhaveaboyfriend?”
Shenodded.“Backhome.”
“Neat,”Isaid,becauseitwasallIcouldthinkof.“What’shisname?”
“Simon.”
Whenshedidn’telaborate,Iasked,“So,dopeopleevercallyouJill?OrJilly?OrdoyoujustgobyJillian?”
“Jillian.Doyougotosleepearlyorlate?”
“Late.Whataboutyou?”
“Early,”shesaid,chewingonherlowerlip.“We’llfiguresomethingout.Iwakeupearly,too.Whataboutyou?”
“Um,sure,sometimes.”Ihatedtowakeupearly,hateditmorethanalmostanything.
“Doyouliketostudywithmusiconoroff?”
“Off?”
Jillianlookedrelieved.“Oh,good.IhatenoisewhenIstudy.Ineedittobereallyquiet.”Sheadded,“NotthatI’manaloranything.”
Inodded.Herpictureframeswereatperfectrightangles.Whenwewalkedintotheroom,she’dhungupherjeanjacketrightaway.Ionlyevermademybedwhencompanycameover.Iwonderedifmysloppytendencieswouldgetonhernerves.Ihopednot.
Iwasabouttosaysowhensheturnedherlaptopon.Iguessedweweredonebondingforthenight.NowthatmyparentsweregoneandJeremiahwasonhiswaybacktohisfrathouse,Iwasreallyalone.Ididn’tknowwhattodowithmyself.I’dalreadyunpacked.I’dbeenhopingwecouldexplorethehalltogether,meetpeople.Butshewastypingaway,chattingwithsomeone.Probablyherboyfriendbackhome.
IgotmycellphoneoutofmypurseandtextedJeremiah.Willyoucomeback?
Iknewhewould.
Forthehallicebreakerthenextnight,ourRA,Kira,toldustobringonepersonalitemthatwefeltrepresentedusbest.Isettledonapairofswimgoggles.Theothergirlsbroughtstuffedanimalsandframedphotos,andonegirlbroughtouthermodelingbook.Jillianbroughtherlaptop.
Wewereallsittinginacircle,andJoywassittingacrossfromme.Shewascradlingatrophyinherlap.Itwasforasoccerstatechampionship,whichIthoughtwasprettyimpressive.IreallywantedtomakefriendswithJoy.I’dhaditinmyheadsincethenightbefore,whenwe’dchattedinthehallbathroominourpajamas,bothofuswithourshowercaddies.Joywasshort,withasandybobandlighteyes.Shedidn’twearmakeup.Shewassturdyandsureofherself,inthewaythatgirlswhoplaycompetitivesportsare.
“I’mJoy,”shesaid.“Myteamwonthestatechampionship.Ifanyofyouguyslikesoccer,hitmeupandwe’llgetahallleaguegoing.”
Whenitwasmyturn,Isaid,“I’mIsabel.Iliketoswim,”andJoysmiledatme.
IalwaysthoughtthatcollegewouldbeIt.Like,instantfriends,aplacetobelong.Ididn’tthinkitwouldbethishard.
I’dthoughttherewouldbepartiesandmixersandmidnightrunstotheWaffleHouse.I’dbeenatcollegeforfourwholedays,andIhadn’tdoneanyofthosethings.JillianandIhadeateninthedininghalltogether,butthatwasaboutit.Shewasmostlyonthephonewithherboyfriendoronthecomputer.Therehadbeennomentionofclubbingorfratparties.IhadafeelingJillianwasabovethatkindofthing.
Iwasn’t,andTaylorwasn’teither.I’dgonetovisitherdormoncealready,andsheandherroommatewereliketwopeasinatrendylittlecolor-coordinatedpod.Herroommate’sboyfriendwasinafraternity,andhelivedoffcampus.Taylorsaidshe’dcalliftherewereanycoolpartiesthatweekend,butsofar,shehadn’t.Taylorwastakingtocollegelikeagoldfishtoitsbrand-newtank,andIjustwasn’t.I’dtoldJeremiahI’dbebusymakingfriendsandbondingwithmyroommatesoIprobablywouldn’tseehimuntiltheweekend.Ididn’twanttogobackonthat.Ididn’twanttobeoneofthosegirls.
Thursdaynightthatfirstweek,abunchofgirlsweredrinkinginJoy’sroom.Icouldhearthemdownthehallway.Ihadbeenfillingoutmynewplanner,writinginallmyclassesandthings.Jillianwasatthelibrary.We’donlyhadonedayofclassessofar,soIdidn’tknowwhatshecouldpossiblybestudying.Istillwishedshe’daskedmetogowithher,though.JeremiahhadaskedifIwantedhimtocomepickmeup,butI’dsaidno,inthehopesthatIwouldbeinvitedsomewhere.Sofar,itwasjustmeandtheplanner.
ButthenJoypoppedherheadinmydoorway,whichI’dbeenkeepingopenthesamewaytheothergirlshad.“Isabel,comeandhangwithus,”shesaid.
“Sure!”Isaid,practicallyleapingoutofmybed.Ifeltthissurgeofhopeandexcitement.Maybetheseweremypeople.
TherewasJoy,herroommateAnika,Molly,wholivedattheendthehall,andShay,thegirlwiththemodelingbook.Theywereallsittingonthefloor,abigbottleofGatoradeinthemiddle,only,itdidn’tlooklikeGatorade.Itwaslightbrownishyellow—Tequila,Iguessed.Ihadn’ttouchedtequilasinceI’dgottendrunkoffofitinCousinsthesummerbefore.
“Comesitdown,”Joysaid,pattingthefloornexttoher.“We’replayingINever.Haveyoueverplayedbefore?”
“No,”Isaid,sittingdownnexttoher.
“Basically,whenit’syourturn,yousaysomethinglike,‘Inever…’”—Anikalookedaroundthecircle—“hookedupwithsomeonerelatedtome.”
Everyonegiggled.“Andifyouhave,youhavetodrink,”Mollyfinished,chewingonherthumbnail.
“I’llstart,”saidJoy,leaningforward.“Inever…cheatedonatest.”
Shaygrabbedthebottleandtookaswig.“What?Iwasbusymodeling,Ididn’thavetimetostudy,”shesaid,andeveryonelaughedagain.
Mollywentnext.“Ineverdiditwithanyoneinpublic!”
Thattime,Joytookthebottle.“Itwasatapark,”sheexplained.“Itwasgettingdark.Idoubtanyonesawus.”
Shaysaid,“Doesarestaurantbathroomcount?”
Icouldfeelmyfacegethot.Iwasdreadingmyturn.Ihadn’tdonemuchofanything.MyINeverscouldprobablylastallnight.
“IneverhookedupwithChadfromthefourthfloor!”Mollysaid,collapsingintoafitofgiggles.
Joythrewapillowather.“Nofair!Itoldyouthatinsecret.”
“Drink!Drink!”everyonechanted.
Joytookaswig.Wipinghermouth,shesaid,“Yourturn,Isabel.”
Mymouthfeltdryallofasudden.“Inever…”Hadsex.“Inever…playedthisgamebefore,”Ifinishedlamely.
IcouldfeelJoy’sdisappointmentinme.Maybeshe’dthoughtwecouldbeclosefriendstooandnowshewasrethinkingit.
Anikachuckledjusttobepolite,andthentheyalltookturnsdrinkingbeforeJoystarteditupagainwith,“Ineverwentskinny-dippingintheocean.Inapool,though!”
Nope,neverdidthateither.Almost,thattimeIwasfifteen,withCamCameron.Butalmostdidn’tcount.
IendeduptakingonedrinkwhenMollysaid,“Ineverdatedtwopeopleinthesamefamily.”
“Youdatedbrothers?”Joyaskedme,lookinginterestedallofasudden.“Orabrotherandasister?”
Coughingalittle,Isaid,“Brothers.”
“Twins?”Shaysaid.
“Atthesametime?”Mollywantedtoknow.
“No,notatthesametime.Andthey’rejustregularbrothers,”Isaid.“They’reayearapart.”
“That’skindofbadass,”Joysaid,givingmeanapprovinglook.
Andthenwewentontothenextthing.WhenShaysaidshe’dneverstolenbeforeandJoytookadrink,IsawthelookonAnika’sface,andIhadtobitetheinsidesofmycheekstokeepfromlaughing.Shesawme,andweexchangedasecretlook.
IsawJoyaroundafterthat,inthehallbathroomandinthestudy,andwetalked,butweneverbecameclose.JillianandIneverbecamebestbuddieseither,butsheendedupbeingaprettygoodroommate.
Ofallthosegirls,AnikawastheoneIendedupbeingclosestto.Eventhoughwewerethesameage,shetookmeunderherwinglikealittlesister,andforonceIdidn’tmindbeingthelittlesister.Anikawastoocoolformetocare.ShesmelledthewayIimaginedwildflowerssmelledwhentheygrewinsand.Later,Ifoundoutitwastheoilsheputinherhair.Anikaalmostnevergossiped,shedidn’teatmeat,andshewasadancer.Iadmiredallofthosethingsabouther.
Iwassorrywe’dneverberoommates.Fromnowon,I’donlyeverhaveoneroommateagain—Jeremiah,mysoon-to-behusband.
chapterseventeen
Iwokeupearlythenextday.Ishowered,threwawaymyshowershoes,andgotreadyonelasttimeinmydormroom.Ididn’tputmyringon,justincase.Iputitinthezipperedpocketinmypurse.Mydadwasn’tthemostobservantguywhenitcametoaccessories,soitwasn’tlikelyhe’dnotice,butstill.
Mydadwasatthedormbyteno’clocktomovemeout.Jeremiahhelped.Ididn’tevenhavetogivehimawakeupcallthewayI’dplanned;heshowedupatmyroomatninethirtywithcoffeeanddonutsformydad.
Istoppedinsomeofthegirls’rooms,huggingthemgood-bye,wishingthemgoodsummers.Lorriesaid,“SeeyouinAugust,”andJulessaid,“Wehavetohangoutmorenextyear.”Isaidgood-byetoAnikalast,andItearedupalittle.Shehuggedmeandsaid,“Chillout.I’llseeyouatthewedding.TellTaylorI’llbee-mailingheraboutourbridesmaiddresses.”Ilaughedoutloud.Taylorwasgoingtolovethat.Not.
Afterweweredoneloadingupthecar,mydadtookustolunchatasteakrestaurant.Itwasn’tsuperfancy,butitwasnice,afamilyplacewithleatherboothsandpicklesatthetable.
“Orderwhateveryoulike,guys,”mydadsaid,slidingintothebooth.
JeremiahandIsatacrossfromhim.IlookedatthemenuandpickedtheNewYorkstripbecauseitwascheapest.Mydadwasn’tpoor,buthedefinitelywasn’trich,either.
Whenthewaitresscameovertotakeourorders,mydadorderedthesalmon,IgottheNewYorkstrip,andJeremiahsaid,“I’llhavethedry-agedribeye,mediumrare.”
Theribeyewasthemostexpensivethingonthemenu.Itcostthirty-eightdollars.Ilookedathimandthought,heprobablydidn’tevenlookattheprice.Heneverhadto,notwhenallhisbillsgotsenttohisdad.Thingsweregonnachangewhenweweremarried,thatwasforsure.NomorespendingmoneyondumbstufflikevintageAirJordansorsteak.
“So,whatdoyouhavegoingonthissummer,Jeremiah?”mydadasked.
Jeremiahlookedatmeandthenbackatmydadandthenbackatme.Ishookmyheadjustslightly.Ihadthisvisionofhimaskingmydadforhisblessing,anditwasallwrong.Mydadcouldn’tfindoutbeforemymother.
“I’mgoingtobeinterningatmydad’scompanyagain,”Jeremiahsaid.
“Goodforyou,”mydadsaid.“That’llkeepyoubusy.”
“Forsure.”
Mydadlookedatme.“Whataboutyou,Belly?Areyougoingtowaitressagain?”
Isuckedsodafromthebottomofmyglass.“Yeah.I’mgonnagoinandtalktomyoldmanagernextweek.Theyalwaysneedhelpinthesummer,soitshouldbeallright.”
Withtheweddingjustacoupleofmonthsaway,Iwouldjusthavetoworkdoubly—triply—hard.
Whenthebillcame,Isawmydadsquintandtakeacloserlook.IhopedJeremiahdidn’tnotice,butwhenIrealizedhehadn’t,Ikindofwishedhehad.
IalwaysfeltclosesttomydadwhenIwassittinginthepassengerseatofhisminivan,studyinghisprofile,thetwouslisteningtohisBillEvansCD.Driveswithmydadwereourquiettimestogether,whenwemighttalkaboutnothingandeverything.
Sofarthedrivehadbeenaquietone.
HewashummingalongwiththemusicwhenIsaid,“Dad?”
“Hmm?”
Iwantedtotellhimsobadly.Iwantedtoshareitwithhim,tohaveithappenduringthisperfectmomentwhenIwasstillhislittlegirlinthepassengerseatandhewasstilltheonedrivingthecar.Itwouldbeamomentjustbetweenus.I’dstoppedcallinghimDaddyinmiddleschool,butitwasinmyheart—Daddy,I’mgettingmarried.
“Nothing,”Isaidatlast.
Icouldn’tdoit.Icouldn’ttellhimbeforeItoldmymother.Itwouldn’tberight.
Hewentbacktohumming.
Justalittlebitlonger,Dad.
chaptereighteen
I’dthoughtitwouldtakeatleastalittletimetoadjusttobeingathomeagainafterbeingawayatcollege,butIfellbackintomyoldroutineprettymuchrightaway.Beforetheendofthefirstweek,Iwasunpackedandhavingearly-morningbreakfastswithmymomandfightingwithmybrotherStevenoverthestateofthebathroomweshared.Iwasmessy,butSteventookittoawholenewlevel.Iguesseditraninourfamily.AndIstartedworkingatBehrsagain,takingasmanyshiftsastheywouldletme,sometimestwoaday.
ThenightbeforeweallwenttoCousinsforthededicationofSusannah’sgarden,JereandIweretalkingonthephone.Weweretalkingaboutweddingstuff,andItoldhimsomeofTaylor’sideas.Helovedthemallbutbalkedattheideaofacarrotcake.
“Iwantachocolatecake,”hesaid.“Withraspberryfilling.”
“Maybeonelayercanbecarrotandonecanbechocolate,”Isuggested,cradlingthephonetomyshoulder.“I’veheardtheycandothat.”
Iwassittingonmybedroomfloor,countingmytipsforthenight.Ihadn’tevenchangedoutofmyworkshirtyet,eventhoughithadgreasestainsalldownthefront,butIwastoobeattobother.Ijustloosenedthenecktie.
“Achocolate-raspberry-carrotcake?”
“Withcreamcheesefrostingformylayer,”Iremindedhim.
“Soundskindacomplicatedtomeflavorprofilewise,butfine.Let’sdoit.”
IsmiledtomyselfasIstackedmyonesandfivesandtens.JeremiahwaswatchingalotofFoodNetworksincehe’dbeenhome.
“Well,firstwehavetobeabletopayforthisallegedcake,”Isaid.“I’vebeentakingalltheshiftsIcan,andI’veonlygotahundredandtwentybuckssavedsofar.Taylorsaysweddingcakesarereallyexpensive.MaybeIshouldaskhermomtobakethecakeinstead.Mrs.Jewel’sareallygoodbaker.Weprobablycouldn’taskforanythingtoofancy,though.”
Jeremiahhadbeensilentontheotherline.Thenhefinallysaid,“Idon’tknowifyoushouldkeepworkingatBehrs.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Weneedthemoney.”
“Yeah,butIhavethemoneymymomleftme.Wecanusethatforthewedding.Idon’tlikeyouhavingtoworksohard.”
“Butyou’reworkingtoo!”
“I’manintern.It’sabullshitjob.I’mnotworkinghalfashardasyouareforthiswedding.Isitaroundanoffice,andyou’rebustingyourassworkingdoubleshiftsatBehrs.Itdoesn’tfeelright.”
“IfthisisbecauseI’mthegirlandyou’retheguy…,”Ibegan.
“That’snotit,dude.I’mjustsaying,whyshouldyouhavetoworkthishardwhenIhavemoneyinmysavingsaccount?”
“Ithoughtwesaidweweregoingtodothisonourown.”
“I’vebeendoingsomeInternetresearch,anditlookslikeit’sgoingtobealotmoreexpensivethanwethought.Evenifwegoreallysimple,westillhavetopayforfoodanddrinksandflowers.We’reonlygettingmarriedonce,Belly.”
“True.”
“Mymomwouldwanttocontribute.Right?”
“Iguess….”Susannahwouldwanttodomorethancontribute.She’dwanttobethereeverystepoftheway—dressshopping,decidingontheflowersandfood,allofit.She’dwanttodoitup.Ialwayspicturedherthereonmyweddingday,sittingnexttomymom,wearingafancyhat.Itwasareallynicepicture.
“Solet’slethercontribute.Besides,you’regonnagetreallybusywithwedding-planningstuffwithTaylor.I’llhelpasmuchasIcan,butIstillhavetobeatworkfromninetofive.Whenyoucallcaterersandflowerpeopleorwhatever,that’llhavetobeduringtheday,andIwon’tbeabletobethere.”
Iwasreallyimpressedthathe’dthoughtofallthis.Ilikedthisothersideofhim,thinkingahead,worryingaboutmyhealth.Ihadjustbeencomplainingaboutcallusesonmyfeettoo.
“Let’stalkmoreaboutitafterwetellourparents,”Itoldhim.
“Areyoustillnervous?”
I’dbeentryingnottothinkaboutittoomuch.AtBehrs,Ifocusedallmyenergyondeliveringbreadbasketsandrefillingdrinksandcuttingslicesofcheesecake.Inaway,Iwasgladtobeworkingdoubleshifts,becauseitkeptmeoutofthehouseandawayfrommymother’swatchfuleye.Ihadn’twornmyengagementringsinceI’dbeenhome.Ionlypulleditoutatnight,inmyroom.
Isaid,“I’mscared,butI’llberelievedtofinallyhaveitoutintheopen.Ihatekeepingthingsfrommymom.”
“Iknow,”hesaid.
Ilookedattheclock.Itwastwelvethirty.“We’regonnaleaveearlytomorrowmorning,soIshouldprobablygotosleep.”Ihesitatedbeforeasking,“Areyoudrivingupwithjustyourdad?What’sthedealwithConrad?”
“Ihavenoclue.Ihaven’ttalkedtohim.Ithinkhe’sflyingintomorrow.We’llseeifheevenshows.”
Iwasn’tsureifitwasdisappointmentIwasfeelingorrelief.Probablyboth.“Idoubthe’llcome,”Isaid.
“YouneverknowwithCon.Hemightcome,hemightnot.”Headded,“Don’tforgettobringyourring.”
“Iwon’t.”
Thenwesaidgoodnight,anditwasalongtimebeforeIcouldfallasleep.IthinkIwasafraid.Afraidthathewascomingandafraidthathewasn’t.
chapternineteen
Iwasupbeforethealarm;IwasshoweredwithmynewdressonbeforeStevenwasevenawake.Iwasthefirstoneinthecar.
Mydresswaslavendersilkchiffon.Ithadatightbodiceandnarrowstrapsandafloatyskirt,thekindyou’dspinaroundinlikeagirlinamusical.SomethingKimMacAfeemightwear.I’dseenitinastorewindowinFebruary,whenitwasstilltoocoldtowearitwithouttights.Tightswouldruinit.I’dusedmyfather’sfor-emergencies-onlycard,theoneI’dneverusedbefore.Thedresshadstayedinmyclosetallthistime,stillcoveredinplastic.
Whenmymothersawme,sheburstintoasmileandsaid,“Youlookbeautiful.Beckwouldlovethisdress.”
Stevensaid,“Notbad,”andIgavethembothalittlecurtsy.Itwasjustthatkindofdress.
Mymotherdrove,andIsatinfront.Stevensleptinthebackseat,hismouthopen.Hewaswearingabutton-downshirtandkhakipants.Mymotherlookednicetooinhernavypantsuitandcreampumps.
“Conrad’sdefinitelycomingtoday,right,bean?”mymotheraskedme.
“You’retheonewhotalkstohim,notme,”Isaid.Iputmybarefeetonthedashboard.Myhighheelswereinaheaponthefloorofthecar.
Checkingherrearviewmirror,mymothersaid,“Ihaven’tspokentoConradinafewweeks,butI’msurehe’llbethere.Hewouldn’tmisssomethingasimportantasthis.”
WhenIdidn’tsayanything,sheglancedatmeandsaid,“Doyoudisagree?”
“Sorry,Mom,butIwouldn’tgetmyhopesup.”Ididn’tknowwhyIcouldn’tjustagreewithher.Ididn’tknowwhatwasholdingmeback.
BecauseIreallydidbelievehewascoming.IfIdidn’t,wouldIhavetakenextracarewithmyhairthatmorning?Intheshower,wouldIhaveshavedmylegsnotoncebuttwice,justtobesafe?WouldIhaveputonthatnewdressandwornthoseheelsthatmademyfeethurtifItrulydidn’tbelievehewascoming?
No.DeepdownImorethanbelievedit.Iknewit.
“HaveyouheardanythingfromConrad,Laurel?”Mr.Fisheraskedmymother.Wewerestandingintheparkinglotofthewomen’scenter—Mr.Fisher,Jere,Steven,mymother,andme.Peoplewerestartingtofileintothebuilding.Mr.Fisherhadalreadycheckedinsidetwice:Conradwasn’tthere.
Mymothershookherhead.“Ihaven’theardanythingnew.WhenIspoketohimlastmonth,hesaidhewascoming.”
“Ifhe’slate,wecanjustsavehimaseat,”Ioffered.
“I’dbettergetinside,”Jeremiahsaid.HewasacceptingtheplaquecommemoratingthedayonbehalfofSusannah.
Wewatchedhimgobecausetherewasnothingelsetodo.ThenMr.Fishersaid,“Maybeweshouldgointoo,”andhelookeddefeated.Icouldseewherehe’dcuthimselfshaving.Hischinlookedraw.
“Let’sdothat,”mymothersaid,straighteningup.“Belly,whydon’tyouwaithereforanotherminute?”
“Sure,”Isaid.“Youguysgoahead.I’llwait.”
Whenthethreeofthemwereinside,Isatdownonthecurb.Myfeetwerehurtingalready.Iwaitedforanothertenminutes,andwhenhestilldidn’tshow,Igotup.Sohewasn’tcomingafterall.
chaptertwenty
CONRAD
Isawherbeforeshesawme.Inthefrontrow,IsawhersittingwithmydadandLaurelandSteven.Shehadherhairpulledback,pinneduponthesides.I’dneverseenherwearherhairlikethatbefore.Shehadonalightpurpledress.Shelookedgrownup.ItoccurredtomethatshehadgrownupwhileIwasn’tlooking,thattherewaseverylikelihoodshehadchangedandIdidn’tknowheranymore.Butwhenshestooduptoclap,IsawtheBand-AidonherankleandIrecognizedheragain.ShewasBelly.Shekeptmessingwiththebarrettesinherhair.Onewascomingloose.
Myplanehadbeendelayed,andeventhoughI’ddoneeightythewholewaytoCousins,Iwasstilllate.JeremiahwasstartinghisspeechjustasIwalkedin.Therewasanemptyseatupfrontnexttomydad,butIjuststoodintheback.IsawLaurelshiftinherseat,scanningtheroombeforeturningbackaround.Shedidn’tseeme.
Awomanfromthesheltergotupandthankedeveryoneforcoming.Shetalkedabouthowgreatmymomwas,howdedicatedshewastotheshelter,howmuchmoneysheraisedforit,howmuchawarenessinthecommunity.Shesaidmymomwasagift.Itwasfunny,I’dknownmymomwasinvolvedwiththewomen’sshelter,butIdidn’tknowhowmuchshegaveofherself.IfeltajoltofshameasIrememberedthetimeshe’daskedmetogohelpherservebreakfastoneSaturdaymorning.I’dblownheroff,toldherIhadstuffIneededtodo.
ThenJeregotupandwenttothepodium.“Thanks,Mona,”hesaid.“Todaymeanssomuchtomyfamily,andIknowitwouldhavemeantevenmoretomymom.Thewomen’sshelterwasreallyimportanttoher.Evenwhenweweren’thereinCousins,shewasstillthinkingaboutyouguys.Andshelovedflowers.Sheusedtosaysheneededthemtobreathe.Shewouldbesohonoredbythisgarden.”
Itwasagoodspeech.Ourmomwouldhavebeenproudtoseehimupthere.Ishouldhavebeenuptherewithhim.Shewouldhavereallylikedthat.Shewouldhavelikedtheroses,too.
IwatchedJeresitdowninthefirstrowintheseatnexttoBelly.Iwatchedhimtakeherhand.Themusclesinmystomachclenched,andImovedbehindawomaninawide-brimmedhat.
Thiswasamistake.Comingbackherewasamistake.
chaptertwenty-one
Thespeecheswereover,andeveryonehadgoneoutsideandstartedmillingaroundthegarden.
“Whatkindofflowersdoyouwantforthewedding?”Jeremiahaskedmeinalowvoice.
Ismiledandshrugged.“Prettyones?”WhatdidIknowaboutflowers?WhatdidIknowaboutweddings,forthatmatter?Ihadn’tbeentomany,onlymycousinBeth’sthattimeIwasaflowergirlandourneighbor’s.ButIlikedthisgamewewereplaying.Itwaslikepretend,butreal.
ThenIsawhim.StandingthereinthebackwasConrad,inagraysuit.Istared,andheliftedhishandinawave.Iliftedmine,butIdidn’tmove.Couldn’tmove.
Nexttome,IheardJeremiahclearhisthroat.Istarted.I’dforgottenhewasstandingnexttome.Forthosecoupleofseconds,Iforgoteverything.
ThenMr.Fisherwaspushingpastus,stridingovertohim.Theyembraced.MymothersweptConradintoherarms,thenmybrothercameupfrombehindandpoundedhimontheback.Jeremiahmadehiswayovertoo.
Iwaslast.Ifoundmyselfwalkingovertothem.“Hi,”Isaid.Ididn’tknowwhattodowithmyhands.Ileftthematmysides.
Hesaid,“Hi.”Thenheopenedhisarmsupwideandgavemealookthatwasalotlikeadare.Hesitantly,Isteppedintothem.Hecrushedmeinabearhugandliftedmeoffthegroundalittle.Isquealedandhelddownmyskirt.Everyonelaughed.WhenConradsetmebackdown,ImovedclosertoJere.Hewasn’tlaughing.
“Conrad’sgladtohavehislittlesisteraroundagain,”Mr.Fishersaidinajovialkindofway.IwonderedifheevenknewthatConradandIhadoncedated.Probablynot.Ithadonlybeensixmonths.ItwasnothingcomparedtothetimeJeremiahandIhadspenttogether.
“Howhaveyoubeen,littlesis?”Conradasked.Hehadthatlookonhisface.Partmocking,partmischievous.Iknewthatlook;I’dseenitsomanytimes.
“Great,”Isaid,lookingatJeremiah.“We’rereallygreat.”
Jeremiahdidn’tlookbackatme.Insteadhepulledhisphoneoutofhispocketandsaid,“I’mstarving.”Icouldfeelalittleknotinmystomach.Washemadatme?
“Let’sgetsomepicturesbythegardenbeforewego,”mymothersaid.
Mr.Fisherclappedhishandsandrubbedthemtogether.PuttinghisarmsaroundJeremiahandConrad,hesaid,“IwantapicturewiththeFishermen!”whichmadeusalllaugh—thistimeJeremiah,too.ThatwasoneofMr.Fisher’soldestandcorniestjokes.Wheneverheandtheboyswouldcomebackfromfishingtrips,hewouldyell,“TheFishermenhavereturned!”
BySusannah’srosegarden,wetookpicturesofJeremiahandMr.FisherandConrad,thenonewithSteven,too,thenonewithmeandmymotherandStevenandJeremiah—allsortsofcombinations.Jeresaid,“IwantoneofjustmeandBelly,”andIwasrelieved.Westoodinfrontoftheroses,andrightbeforemymothersnappedthepicture,Jeremiahkissedmeonthecheek.
“That’saniceone,”mymothersaid.Thenshesaid,“Let’shaveoneofallthekids.”
Westoodtogether—Jeremiah,Conrad,me,Steven.ConradslunghisarmaroundJeremiah’sandmyshoulders.Itwasalllikenotimehadpassed.Thesummerkidstogetheragain.
IrodewithJeremiahtotherestaurant.MymotherandSteventookonecar,Mr.FisherandConradbothdroveseparately.
“Maybeweshouldn’ttellthemtoday,”Isaidsuddenly.“Maybeweshouldwait.”
Jeremiahturneddownthemusic.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Idon’tknow.MaybetodayshouldjustbeaboutSusannah,andfamily.Maybeweshouldwait.”
“Idon’twanttohavetowait.Youandmegettingmarriedisaboutfamily.It’saboutourtwofamiliescomingtogether.Asone.”Grinning,hegrabbedmyhandandlifteditintheair.“Iwantyoutobeabletowearyourring,rightnow,loudandproud.”
“Iamloudandproud,”Isaid.
“Thenlet’sjustdoitlikeweplanned.”
“Okay.”
Aswepulledintotherestaurantparkinglot,Jeremiahsaidtome,“Don’thavehurtfeelingsif—youknow,ifhesaysanything.”
Iblinked.“Who?”
“Mydad.Youknowhowheis.Youcan’ttakeitpersonally,okay?”
Inodded.
Wewalkedintotherestaurantholdinghands.Everyoneelsewasalreadythereandseatedataroundtable.
Isatdown,Jeremiahonmyleftandmybrotheronmyright.Igrabbedthebreadbasketandtookaroll.IsmeareditwithbutterbeforeIstuffedmostofitintomymouth.
Stevenshookhisheadatme.Pig,hemouthed.
Glaringathim,Isaid,“Ididn’teatbreakfast.”
“Iorderedabunchofappetizers,”Mr.Fishertoldme.
“Thanks,Mr.Fisher,”Isaid,mymouthpartlyfull.
Hesmiled.“Belly,we’realladultshere.IthinkyoushouldcallmeAdamnow.NomoreMr.Fisher.”
Underneaththetable,Jeremiahgavemythighasqueeze.Ialmostlaughedoutloud.ThenIhadanotherthought—like,wasIgoingtohavetocallMr.Fisher“Dad”afterweweremarried?IwouldhavetotalktoJeremiahaboutthatone.
“I’lltry,”Isaid.Mr.Fisherlookedatmeexpectantly,andIadded,“Adam.”
StevenaskedConrad,“Sowhydon’tyoueverleaveCalifornia?”
“I’mhere,aren’tI?”
“Yeah,for,like,thefirsttimesinceyouleft,practically.”Stevennudgedhimandloweredhisvoice.“Yougotagirloutthere?”
“No,”Conradsaid.“Nogirl.”
Thechampagnearrivedthen,andwhenallourglasseswerefull,Mr.Fishertappedhisknifetohisglass.“I’dliketomakeatoast,”hesaid.
Mymotherrolledhereyesjustbarely.Mr.Fisherwasfamousformakingspeeches,buttodayactuallycalledforone.
“IwanttothankeveryoneforcomingtogethertodaytocelebrateSusannah.It’saspecialday,andI’mgladwecanshareittogether.”Mr.Fisherliftedhisglass.“ToSuz.”
Nodding,mymothersaid,“ToBeck.”
Weallclinkedglassesanddrank,andbeforeIcouldputminedown,Jeremiahgavemethislooklike,Getready,it’shappening.
Mystomachlurched.Itookanothergulpofmychampagneandnodded.
“Ihavesomethingtosay,”Jeremiahannounced.
Whileeveryonewaswaitingtohearwhatitwas,IsnuckalookoveratConrad.HehadhisarmdrapedoverthebackofSteven’schair,andthey’dbeenlaughingaboutsomething.Hisfacewaseasyandrelaxed.
IhadthiswildimpulsetostopJeremiah,toclapmyhandoverhismouthandkeephimfromsayingit.Everybodywassohappy.Thiswasgoingtowreckit.
“I’lljustgoaheadandwarnyou—it’sreallygoodnews.”Jeremiahflashedasmileateveryone,andIbracedmyself.Hewasbeingtooglib,Ithought.Mymotherwouldn’tlikethat.“IaskedBellytomarryme,andshesaidyes.Shesaidyes!We’regettingmarriedthisAugust!”
Itwasliketherestaurantgotreallyquietallofasudden,likeallthenoiseandchattergotsuckedoutoftheroom.Everythingjuststopped.Ilookedacrossthetable,atmymother.Herfacewasashen.Stevenchokedonthewaterhewasdrinking.Coughing,hesaid,“Whatthe?”AndConrad,hisfacewascompletelyblank.
Itwassurreal.
Thewaitercamebythenwiththeappetizers—calamariandcocktailshrimpandatowerofoysters.“Areyouguysreadytoorderyourentrees?”heasked,rearrangingthetablesotherewasroomforeverything.
Hisvoicetight,Mr.Fishersaid,“Ithinkweneedafewmoreminutes,”andglancedatmymother.
Shelookeddazed.Sheopened,thenclosedhermouth.Thenshelookedrightatmeandasked,“Areyoupregnant?”
Ifeltallthebloodrushtomycheeks.Besideme,IcouldfeelratherthanhearJeremiahchoke.
Mymother’svoiceshookasshesaidshrilly,“Idon’tbelievethis.Howmanytimeshavewediscussedcontraception,Isabel?”
Icouldnothavebeenmoremortified.IlookedatMr.Fisher,whowasbeetred,andthenIlookedatthewaiter,whowaspouringwaterforthetablenexttoours.Oureyesmet.Iwasprettysurehe’dbeeninmypsychologyclass.“Mom,I’mnotpregnant!”
Earnestly,Jeremiahsaid,“Laurel,Isweartoyouit’snothinglikethat.”
Mymotherignoredhim.Shelookedonlyatme.“Thenwhatishappeninghere?Whereisthiscomingfrom?”
Mylipsfeltreallydryallofasudden.Fleetingly,IthoughtofwhathadleduptoJeremiah’sproposal,andjustasquicklythethoughtflittedaway.Noneofthatmatteredanymore.Whatmatteredwasthatwewereinlove.Isaid,“Wewanttogetmarried,Mom.”
“You’retooyoung,”shesaidinaflatvoice.“You’rebothfartooyoung.”
Jeremiahcoughed.“Laur,weloveeachother,andwewanttobetogether.”
“Youaretogether,”mymothersnapped.ThensheturnedtoMr.Fisher,hereyesnarrowed.“Didyouknowaboutthis?”
“Calmdown,Laurel.They’rejoking.Youwerejoking,right?”
JereandIsharedalookbeforehesaidinasoftvoice,“No,we’renotjoking.”
Mymotherswallowedtherestofherchampagne,emptyingherglass.“Youtwoarenotgettingmarried,period.You’rebothstillinschool,forGod’ssake.It’sridiculous.”
Clearinghisthroat,Mr.Fishersaid,“Maybeafteryoukidsbothgraduate,wecandiscussitagain.”
“Afewyearsafteryougraduate,”mymotherputin.
“Right,”Mr.Fishersaid.
“Dad…,”Jeremiahbegan.
TheserverwasbackatMr.Fisher’sshoulderbeforeJeremiahcouldfinishwhateveritwashewasgoingtosay.Hejuststoodthereforamomentlookingawkwardbeforeasking,“Doyouhaveanyquestionsaboutthemenu?Or,ah,arewejustdoingappetizerstoday?”
“We’lljusttakethecheck,”mymothersaid,tightlipped.
Therewasallthisfoodonthetableandnoonewastouchingit,noonewassayinganything.Iwasrightbefore.Thiswasamistake,atacticalerrorofepicproportions.Wenevershouldhavetoldthemlikethis.Nowtheywereateam,unitedagainstus.Webarelygotawordinedgewise.
Ireachedintomypurse,andunderthetablecloth,Iputmyengagementringon.ItwastheonlythingIcouldthinktodo.WhenIreachedformywaterglass,Jeremiahsawtheringandsqueezedmykneeagain.Mymothersawtoo—hereyesflashed,andshelookedaway.
Mr.Fisherpaidthebill,andforoncemymotherdidn’targue.Weallstoodup.Quickly,Stevenfilledaclothnapkinwithshrimp.Andthenwewereleaving,metrailingmymother,JeremiahfollowingMr.Fisher.Behindme,IheardStevenwhisperingtoConrad.“Holyshit,man.Thisiscrazy.Didyouknowaboutthis?”
IheardConradtellhimno.Outside,hehuggedmymothergood-byeandthengotinhiscaranddroveaway.Hedidn’tlookbackonce.
Whenwegottoourcar,Iaskedmymotherveryquietly,“CanIhavethekeys?”
“Whatfor?”
Iwetmylips.“Ineedtogetmybookbagoutofthetrunk.I’mgoingwithJeremiah,remember?”
Icouldseemymotherstruggletoholdhertemper.Shesaid,“No,you’renot.You’recominghomewithus.”
“ButMom—”
BeforeIcouldfinish,she’dalreadyhandedthekeystoStevenandclimbedintothepassengerseat.Sheclosedthedoor.
IlookedatJeremiahhelplessly.Mr.Fisherwasalreadyinhiscar,andJeremiahwashangingback,waiting.Morethananything,IwishedIcouldleavewithhim.Iwasreally,reallyscaredtogetintothecarwithmymother.
IwasintroublelikeIhadneverknown.
“Getinthecar,Belly,”Stevensaid.“Don’tmakeitworse.”
“You’dbettergo,”Jeremiahsaid.
Iranovertohimandhuggedhimtight.“I’llcallyoutonight,”hewhisperedintomyhair.
“IfI’mstillalive,”Iwhisperedback.
ThenIwalkedawayfromhimandclimbedintothebackseat.
Stevenstartedthecar,hisnapkinawhitebundleinhislap.Mymothercaughtmyeyeintherearviewmirrorandsaid,“You’rereturningthatring,Isabel.”
IfIbackeddownnow,everythingwaslost.Ihadtobestrong.
“I’mnotreturningit,”Isaid.
chaptertwenty-two
MymotherandIdidn’tspeaktoeachotherforaweek.Iavoidedher,andsheignoredme.IworkedatBehrs,mostlytogetoutofthehouse.Iatelunchanddinnerthere.Aftermyshifts,IwentovertoTaylor’s,andwhenIgothome,ItalkedtoJeremiahonthephone.Hebeggedmetoatleasttrytotalktomymother.Iknewhewasworriedthatshehatedhimnow,andIassuredhimthathewasn’ttheoneshewasmadat.Thatwasallme.
Onenightafteralateshiftattherestaurant,IwasonmywaytomyroomwhenIstoppedshort.Iheardthemuffledsoundofmymothercryingbehindhercloseddoor.Iwasfrozentothespot,myheartthuddinginmychest.Standingoutsideherdoor,listeningtoherweep,Iwasreadytogiveitallup.InthatmomentIwouldhavedoneanything,saidanything,tomakeherstopcrying.Inthatmomentshehadme.Myhandwasonthedoorknob,andthewordswererightthere,onthetipofmytongue—Okay,Iwon’tdoit.
Butthenitgotquiet.She’dstoppedcryingonherown.Iwaitedalittlelonger,andwhenIdidn’thearanythingmore,Iletgoofthedoorknobandwenttomyroom.InthedarkItookoffmyworkclothesandgotintobed,andIcriedtoo.
Iwokeuptothesmellofmyfather’sTurkishcoffee.Forjustthosefewsecondsrightinbetweensleepandwakefulness,Iwastenagain,andmydadstilllivedwithusandthebiggestthingIhadtoworryaboutwasmymathhomework.Istartedtofallbacktosleep,andthenIwokeupwithastart.
Therecouldonlybeonereasonmydadwashere.Mymotherhadtoldhim.I’dwantedtobetheonetotellhim,toexplain.She’dbeatenmetoit.Iwasmad,butatthesametimeIfeltglad.Hertellingmyfathermeantthatshewasfinallytakingthisseriously.
AfterIshowered,Iheadeddownstairs.Theyweresittinginthelivingroomdrinkingcoffee.Mydadhadonhisweekendclothes—jeansandaplaidshort-sleevedshirt.Andabelt,alwaysabelt.
“Morning,”Isaid.
“Haveaseat,”mymothersaid,settinghermugdownonacoaster.
Isat.Myhairwasstillwet,andIwastryingtoworkmycombthroughthetangles.
Clearinghisthroat,myfathersaid,“So,yourmothertoldmewhat’sgoingon.”
“Dad,Iwantedtotellyoumyself,Ireallydid.Mombeatmetothepunch.”Ithrewherapointedlook,butshedidn’tappeartheleastbitbotheredbyit.
“I’mnotinfavorofthiseither,Belly.Ithinkyou’retooyoung.”Heclearedhisthroatagain.“We’vediscussedit,andifyouwanttolivewithJeremiahinanapartmentthisfall,we’llallowit.You’llhavetochipinifitcostsmorethanthedorms,butwe’llpaywhatwe’vebeenpaying.”
Iwasn’texpectingthat.Acompromise.Iwassureithadbeenmydad’sidea,butIcouldn’ttakethedeal.
“Dad,Idon’tjustwanttoliveinanapartmentwithJeremiah.That’snotwhywe’regettingmarried.”
“Thenwhyareyougettingmarried?”mymotheraskedme.
“Weloveeachother.We’vethoughtitthrough,wereallyhave.”
Mymothergesturedatmylefthand.“Whopaidforthatring?IknowJeremiahdoesn’thaveajob.”
Iputmyhandinmylap.“Heusedhiscreditcard,”Isaid.
“HiscreditcardthatAdampaysfor.IfJeremiahcan’taffordaring,hehasnobusinessbuyingone.”
“Itdidn’tcostmuch.”Ihadnoideahowmuchtheringhadcost,butthediamondwassolittle,Ifigureditcouldn’thavebeenthatexpensive.
Sighing,mymotherglancedoveratmyfatherandthenbackatme.“YoumightnotbelievemewhenIsaythis,butwhenyourfatherandIgotmarried,wewereverymuchinlove.Very,verymuchinlove.Wewentintomarriagewiththebestofintentions.Butallofthatjustwasn’tenoughtosustainus.”
Theirloveforeachother,Stevenandme,ourfamily—noneofitwasenoughtomaketheirmarriagework.Iknewallofthatalready.
“Doyouregretit?”Iaskedher.
“Belly,itisn’tassimpleasthat.”
Iinterruptedher.“Doyouregretourfamily?DoyouregretmeandSteven?”
Sighingdeeply,shesaid,“No.”
“Dad,doyou?”
“Belly,no.Ofcoursenot.That’snotwhatyourmother’stryingtosay.”
“JeremiahandIaren’tyouandMom.We’veknowneachotherourwholelives.”Itriedtoappealtomyfather.“Dad,yourcousinMarthagotmarriedyoung,andsheandBerthavebeenmarriedfor,like,thirtyyears!Itcanwork,Iknowitcan.JeremiahandIwillmakeitworkjustliketheydid.We’regoingtobehappy.Wejustwantyouguystobehappyforus.Pleasebehappyforus.”
MyfatherrubbedhisbeardinawayIknewwell—hewasgoingtodefertomymotherthewayhealwaysdid.Anysecond,hewouldlookatherwithaquestioninhiseyes.Itwasalluptohernow.Actually,ithadalwaysbeenuptoher.
Webothlookedather.Mymotherwasthejudge.Thatwasthewayitworkedinourfamily.Sheclosedhereyesbrieflyandthensaid,“Ican’tsupportyouinthisdecision,Isabel.Ifyougoforwardwiththiswedding,Iwon’tsupportit.Iwon’tbethere.”
Itknockedthewindoutofme.EventhoughIwasexpectingit,hercontinueddisapproval…still.Still,Ithoughtshe’dcomearound,atleastalittle.
“Mom,”Isaid,myvoicebreaking,“comeon.”
Lookingpained,myfathersaid,“Belly,let’salljustthinkonthissomemore,okay?Thisisverysuddenforus.”
Iignoredhimandlookedonlyatmymother.Pleadingly,Isaid,“Mom?Iknowyoudon’tmeanthat.”
Sheshookherhead.“Idomeanit.”
“Mom,youcan’tnotbeatmywedding.That’scrazy.”Itriedtosoundcalm,likeIwasn’tonthevergeofout-and-outhysteria.
“No,what’scrazyistheideaofateenagergettingmarried.”Shepressedherlipstogether.“Idon’tknowwhattosaytogetthroughtoyou.HowdoIgetthroughtoyou,Isabel?”
“Youcan’t,”Isaid.
Mymotherleanedforward,hereyesfixedonme.“Don’tdothis.”
“It’salreadydecided.I’mmarryingJeremiah.”Istoodupjerkily.“Ifyoucan’tbehappyforme,thenmaybe—maybeit’sbestyoudon’tcome.”
Iwasalreadyatthestaircasewhenmydadcalledout,“Belly,wait.”
Istopped,andthenIheardmymothersay,“Lethergo.”
WhenIwasinmyroom,IcalledJeremiah.Thefirstthinghesaidwas,“Doyouwantmetotalktoher?”
“Thatwon’thelp.I’mtellingyou,she’smadeuphermind.Iknowher.Shewon’tbudge.Atleastnotrightnow.”
Hewassilent.“Thenwhatdoyouwanttodo?”
“Idon’tknow.”Istartedtocry.
“Doyouwanttopostponethewedding?”
“No!”
“Thenwhatshouldwedo?”
Wipingmyface,Isaid,“Iguessjustmoveaheadwiththewedding.Startplanning.”
Assoonaswegotoffthephone,Istartedseeingthingsmoreclearly.Ijustneededtoseparateemotionfromreason.Refusingtogototheweddingwasmymother’strumpcard.Itwastheonlylegshehadtostandon.Andshewasbluffing.Shehadtobebluffing.Nomatterhowupsetordisappointedshewasinme,Icouldn’tbelievethatshewouldmissheronlydaughter’swedding.Ijustcouldn’t.
Alltherewastodonowwastosteamrollaheadandsetthisweddinginmotion.Withorwithoutmymotherbymyside,thiswashappening.
chaptertwenty-three
IwasfoldingmylaundrywhenStevenknockedonmydoorlaterthatnight.Asusualheonlygavemeacoupleofsecondsbeforeopeningit;heneverwaitedformetosay“comein.”Hecameintotheroomandshutthedoorbehindhim.Stevenstoodinmyroomawkwardly,leaningagainstthewall,hisarmsfoldedagainsthischest.
“What?”Isaid.AlthoughIalreadyknew.
“Sooo…areyouandJereseriousaboutthis?”
IstackedsomeT-shirtsintoapile.“Yes.”
Stevencrossedtheroomandsatatmydesk,absorbingmyanswerforaminute.Thenhefacedme,straddlingthechair,andsaid,“Yourealizethat’sinsane,right?We’renotlivinginthefoothillsofWestVirginia.There’snoreasonyouhavetogetmarriedsoyoung.”
“WhatdoyouknowaboutWestVirginia?”Iscoffed.“You’veneverevenbeenthere.”
“That’sbesidesthepoint.”
“Whatisyourpoint?”
“Mypointis,youguysaretooyoung.”
“DidMomsendyouupheretotalktome?”
“No,”hesaid,andIknewhewaslying.“I’mjustworriedaboutyou.”
Istaredhimdown.
“Okay,yeah,shedid,”headmitted.“ButIwouldhavecomeupanyway.”
“You’renotgoingtochangemymind.”
“Listen,nobodyknowsyoutwobetterthanme.”Hestopped,weighinghiswords.“IloveJere—he’slikeabrothertome.Butyou’remylittlesister.Youcomefirst.Thiswholemarriageidea—I’msorry,butIthinkit’sstupid.Ifyouguysloveeachotherthatmuch,youcanwaitacoupleofyearstobetogether.Andifyoucan’t,youforsureshouldn’tbegettingmarried.”
Ifeltbothtouchedandannoyed.Stevenneversaidthingslike“Youcomefirst.”Butthenhecalledmestupid,whichwasmorelikehim.
“Idon’texpectyoutounderstand,”Isaid.IfoldedthenrefoldedanotherT-shirt.“JeremiahwantsyouandConradtobehisbestmen.”
Steven’sfacebrokeintoasmile.“Hedoes?”
“Yeah,”Isaid.
Stevenlookedreallyhappy,butthenhecaughtmelookingathim,andhewipedhissmileaway.“Idon’tthinkMomwillletmebeinthewedding.”
“Steven,you’retwenty-oneyearsold.Youcandecidethatforyourself.”
Hefrowned.IcouldtellI’dinjuredhispride.Hesaid,“Well,Istilldon’tthinkit’syoursmartestmove.”
“Noted,”Isaid.“I’mstilldoingit.”
“Oh,man,Mom’sgonnakillme.Iwassupposedtotalkyououtofgettingmarried,notgetropedintotheweddingparty,”Stevensaid,gettingup.
Ihidmysmile.Thatis,untilStevenadded,“ConandIhadbetterstartplanningthebachelorparty.”
Quickly,Isaid,“Jeredoesn’twantanyofthat.”
Stevenpuffeduphischest.“Youdon’tgetasayinit,Belly.You’reagirl.Thisismanstuff.”
“Manstuff?”
Grinning,heshutmydoor.
chaptertwenty-four
DespitewhatI’dsaidtoSteven,Istillfoundmyselfwaitingformymother.Waitingforhertocomearound,waitingforhertogivein.Ididn’twanttostartplanningtheweddinguntilshesaidyes.Butwhendayspassedandsherefusedtodiscussit,IknewIcouldn’twaitanylonger.
ThankGodforTaylor.
Shebroughtoverabigwhitebinderwithclippingsfromweddingmagazinesandchecklistsandallkindsofstuff.“Iwassavingthisformywedding,butwecanuseitforyours,too,”shesaid.
AllIhadwasoneofmymother’syellowlegalpads.IhadwrittenWEDDINGatthetopandmadealistofthingsIneededtodo.Thelistlookedprettyskimpy,nexttoTaylor’sbinder.
Weweresittingonmybed,papersandbridemagazinesallaroundus.Taylorwasallbusiness.
Shesaid,“Firstthingsfirst.Wehavetofindyouadress.Augustisreally,reallysoon.”
“Itdoesn’tfeelthatsoon,”Isaid.
“Well,itis.Twomonthstoplanaweddingisnothing.Inweddingspeakthat’s,like,tomorrow.”
“Well,Iguesssincetheweddingisgoingtobesimple,thedressshouldbetoo,”Isaid.
Taylorfrowned.“Howsimple?”
“Reallysimple.Assimpleasitgets.Nothingpoofyorfroufrou.”
Shenoddedtoherself.“Icanpictureit.It’sveryCindyCrawfordwedding-on-the-beach,veryCarolynBessette.”
“Yeah,soundsgood,”Isaid.Ihadnoideawhateitheroftheirweddingdresseslookedlike.Ididn’tevenknowwhoCarolynBessettewas.AfterIhadthedress,itwouldfeelmorereal,Iwouldbeabletovisualizeithappening.Rightnowitstillfelttooabstract.
“Whataboutshoes?”
Igaveheralook.“LikeI’mgonnawearheelsonthebeach.Icanbarelywalkinheelsonlevelground.”
Taylorignoredme.“Whataboutmybridesmaiddress?”
IpushedsomemagazinesontothecarpetsoIcouldliedown.IstretchedmylegsashighasIcouldandputmyfeetuponthewall.“Iwasthinkingmustardyellow.Maybeinasatinykindofmaterial.”Taylorhatedmustardyellow.
“Mustardyellowsatin,”Taylorrepeated,noddingandtryinghardtokeepthedisgustoffherface.Icouldtellshewastornbetweenhervanityandhercredo,whichwas,theBrideisalwaysright.“ThatcouldmaybeworkwithAnika’sskintone.I’mmoreofaspring,butifIstartedtanningnow,itcouldwork.”
Ilaughed.“I’mkidding.Youcanwearwhateveryouwant.”
“Dork!”shesaid,lookingrelieved.Sheslappedmythigh.“You’resoimmature!Ican’tbelieveyou’regettingmarried!”
“Meneither.”
“ButIguessitmakessense,inaTwilightZonekindofway.YouandJerehaveknowneachotherfor,like,agrillionyears.It’smeanttobe.”
“Howlongisagrillionyears?”
“It’sforever.”Intheairshespelledoutmyinitials.“B.C.+J.F.forever.”
“Forever,”Iechoedhappily.ForeverIcoulddo.MeandJere.
chaptertwenty-five
OnmywayouttomeetTayloratthemallthenextday,Istoppedbymymother’soffice.“I’mgoingtolookforadress,”Isaid,standinginherdoorway.
Shestoppedtypingandlookedoveratme.“Goodluck,”shesaid.
“Thanks.”Isupposedtherewereworsethingsshecouldhavesaidthan“goodluck,”butthethoughtdidn’tmakemefeelanybetter.
Theformal-wearstoreatthemallwaspackedwithgirlslookingforpromdresseswiththeirmothers.Ididn’texpecttofeelthepanginmychestwhenIsawthem.Girlsweresupposedtogoweddingdressshoppingwiththeirmothers.Theyweresupposedtostepoutofthedressingroominjusttherightdress,andthemotherwouldtearupandsay,“That’stheone.”Iwasprettysurethatwasthewayitwassupposedtobe.
“Isn’titalittlelateintheyearforprom?”IaskedTaylor.“Wasn’toursin,like,May?”
“Mysistertoldmetheyhadtopushbackpromthisyearbecauseofsomescandalwiththeassistantprincipal,”sheexplained.“Alltheprommoneywentmissingorsomething.Sonowit’sagrom.Graduation-prom.”
Ilaughed.“Grom.”
“Also,theprivateschoolsalwayshavetheirpromlater,remember?Collegiate,St.Joe’s.”
“Ionlywenttooneprom,”Iremindedher.Onehadbeenmorethanenoughforme.
IwanderedaroundthestoreandfoundonedressIliked—itwasstrapless,blindingwhite.I’dneverknownthereweredegreesofwhitebefore;I’djustthoughtwhitewaswhite.WhenIfoundTaylor,shehadawholestackofdressesonherarm.Wehadtowaitinlineforadressingroom.
Thegirlinfrontofmetoldhermother,“Iwillfreakoutifsomeonewearsthesamedressasme.”
TaylorandIrolledoureyesateachother.Iwillfreakout,Taylormouthed.
Itseemedlikewewaitedinthatlineforever.
“Trythisoneonfirst,”Taylororderedwhenitwasmyturn.
Dutifully,Iobeyedher.
“Comeout,”Tayloryelledfromherchairbythethree-waymirror.Shewascampedoutwiththeothermothers.
“Idon’tthinkIlikeit,”Icalledout.“It’stoosparkly.IlooklikeGlindathegoodwitchorsomething.”
“Justcomeoutandletmeseeyou!”
Icameout,andtherewerealreadyacoupleofothergirlsatthemirror,checkingthemselvesoutfromtheback.Istoodbehindthem.
ThenthegirlfromearliersteppedoutinthesamedressIhadonbutinachampagnecolor.Shesawme,andrightawaysheasked,“Whichpromareyougoingto?”
TaylorandIlookedateachotherinthemirror.Taylorwascoveringhermouth,giggling.Isaid,“I’mnotgoingtoprom.”
Taylorsaid,“She’sgettingmarried!”
Thegirl’smouthhungopen.“Howoldareyou?Youlooksoyoung.”
“I’mnotthatyoung,”Isaid.“I’mnineteen.”Iwouldn’tbenineteenuntilAugust,butnineteensoundedalotolderthaneighteen.
“Oh,”shesaid.“Ithoughtwewere,like,thesameage.”
Ilookedatusinthemirroraswestoodthereinthesamedress.Ithoughtwelookedthesameagetoo.Isawhermotherlookingatmeandwhisperingtotheladynexttoher,andIcouldfeelmyselfblush.
Taylorsawtooandsaid,loudly,“Youcanhardlyeventellshe’sthreemonthspregnant.”
Thewomangasped.Sheshookherheadatme,andIgaveheralittleshrug.ThenTaylorgrabbedmyhand,andweranbacktomydressingroom,laughing.
“You’reagoodfriend,”Isaidassheunzippedme.
Welookedateachotherinthemirror,meinmywhitedressandherinhercutoffsandflip-flops.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtocry.ButthenTaylorsavedit—shemademelaughinstead.Shecrossedhereyesandstuckhertongueoutsideways.Itfeltgoodtolaughagain.
Threemorestoreslater,wesatinthefoodcourt,stillnodress.Tayloratefrenchfries,andIatefrozenyogurtwithrainbowsprinkles.Myfeethurt,andIwasalreadywantingtogohome.Thedaywasn’tturningouttobeasfunasI’dhopeditwouldbe.
Taylorleanedacrossthetableanddippedanalready-ketchuppedfrenchfryintomyfrozenyogurt.Isnatchedthecupawayfromher.
“Taylor!That’sdisgusting.”
Sheshrugged.“ThiscomingfromthegirlwhoputspowderedsugaronCap’nCrunch?”Handingmeafry,shesaid,“Justtryit.”
Idippeditintothecup,carefulnottogetanysprinklesonit,becausethatwouldjustbetoogross.Ipoppedthefryintomymouth.Notbad.Swallowing,Isaid,“Whatifwecan’tfindadress?”
“We’llfindadress,”sheassuredme,handingmeanotherfry.“Don’tgetallDebbieDowneronmeyet.”
Shewasright.Wefounditatthenextstore.ItwasthelastoneItriedon.Everythingelsehadbeenonlyso-soortooexpensive.Thisdresswaslongandwhiteandsilkyandsomethingyoucouldwearonthebeach.Itwasnotthatexpensive,whichwasimportant.Butmostimportantofall,whenIlookedinthemirror,Icouldpicturemyselfgettingmarriedinit.
Nervously,Isteppedout,smoothingthedressdownonmysides.Ilookedupather.“Whatdoyouthink?”
Hereyeswereshining.“It’sperfect.Justperfect.”
“Youthink?”
“Comelookatyourselfinthismirrorandyoutellme,beotch.”
Giggling,Isteppedupontheplatformandstaredatmyselfinthethree-waymirror.Thiswasit.Thiswastheone.
chaptertwenty-six
ThatnightItriedonmydressagainandcalledJeremiah.“Ifoundmydress,”Itoldhim.“I’mwearingitrightnow.”
“What’sitlooklike?”
“It’sasurprise.ButIpromise,it’sreallypretty.TaylorandIfounditatthefifthstorewewentto.Itdidn’tevencostthatmuch.”Iranmyhandalongthesilkyfabric.“Itfitsmeperfectly,soIwon’thavetogetalterationsoranything.”
“Sowhydoyousoundsosad,then?”
Isatdownonthefloor,huggingmykneestomychest.“Idon’tknow.Maybe’causemymomwasn’ttheretohelpmepickitout….Ithoughtbuyingaweddingdresswassupposedtobethisspecialthingyoudowithyourmom,andshewasn’tthere.ItwasnicewithTaylor,butIwishmymomhadbeentheretoo.”
Jeremiahwasquiet.Thenhesaid,“Didyouaskhertogowithyou?”
“No,notreally.ButsheknewIwantedherthere.Ijusthatethatshe’snotapartofthis.”I’dleftmybedroomdooropen,hopingmymommightwalkby,mightseemeinthedressandstop.Shehadn’tsofar.
“She’llcomearound.”
“Ihopeso.Idon’tknowifIcanpicturegettingmarriedwithoutmymomthere,youknow?”
IheardJereletoutalittlesigh.“Yeah,meeither,”hesaid,andIknewhewasthinkingofSusannah.
Thenextmorning,mymotherandIwereeatingbreakfast,mymotherwithheryogurtwithmuesliandmewithmyfrozenwaffles,whenthedoorbellrang.
Mymotherlookedupfromhernewspaper.“Areyouexpectingsomeone?”sheaskedme.
Ishookmyheadandgotuptoseewhoitwas.Iopenedthefrontdoor,figuringitwouldbeTaylorwithmorebridalmagazines.Instead,itwasJeremiah.Hehadabouquetoflilies,andhehadonaniceshirt,whitebutton-downwithfaintbluechecks.
Iclappedmyhandsovermymouthindelight.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Ishriekedfrombehindmyhands.
Hehuggedmetohim.IcouldsmellMcDonald’scoffeeonhisbreath.Hemusthavewokenupreallyearlytogethere.JeremiahlovedMcDonald’sbreakfastsbuthecouldneverwakeupearlyenoughtogetone.Hesaid,“Don’tgettooexcited.Thesearen’tforyou.IsLaurelhere?”
Ifeltswoonyanddazed.“She’seatingbreakfast,”Isaid.“Comeonin.”
Iopenedthedoorforhim,andhefollowedmeinsidetothekitchen.Brightly,Isaid,“Mom,lookwho’shere!”
Mymotherlookedastonished,herspoonhalfwaytohermouth.“Jeremiah!”
Jeremiahwalkedovertoher,flowersinhand.“Ijusthadtocomeandgreetmyfuturemother-in-lawproperly,”hesaid,grinninghisimpishgrin.Hekissedheronthecheekandsettheflowersbyherbowlofyogurt.
Iwaswatchingclosely.Ifanybodycouldcharmmymother,itwasJeremiah.AlreadyIcouldfeelthetensioninourhousebeinglifted.
Shesmiledasmilethatlookedbrittle,butitwasasmilenonetheless.Shestoodup.“I’mgladyoucame,”shesaid.“I’vebeenwantingtotalktothebothofyou.”
Jeremiahrubbedhishandstogether.“Allrighty.Let’sdothis.Belly,getoverhere.Grouphugfirst.”
MymothertriednottolaughasJeremiahgaveherabearhug.Hemotionedformetojoinin,andIcameupbehindmymotherandhuggedheraroundthewaist.Shecouldn’thelpit:alaughescaped.“Allright,allright.Let’sgointothelivingroom.Jere,haveyoueaten?”
Iansweredforhim.“EggMcMuffin,right,Jere?”
Hewinkedatme.“Youknowmesowell.”
Mymotherhadalreadysteppedintothelivingroom,herbacktous.
“IcansmellMcDonald’sonyourbreath,”Itoldhiminalowvoice.
Heclappedhishandoverhismouth,lookingself-conscious,whichwasrareforhim.“Doesitsmellbad?”heaskedme.
Ifeltsomuchtendernesstowardhiminthatmoment.“No,”Itoldhim.“Notatall.”
Thethreeofussatinthelivingroom,JeremiahandIonthecouch,mymotherinanarmchairfacingus.Everythingwasgoingsowell.Hehadmademymotherlaugh.Ihadn’tseenherlaughorsmilesincewe’dtoldher.Istartedtofeelhopeful,likethismightactuallywork.
Thefirstthingshesaidwas,“Jeremiah,youknowIloveyou.Iwantnothingbutthebestforyou.That’swhyIcan’tsupportwhatyoutwoaredoing.”
Jeremiahleanedforward.“Laur—”
Mymotherheldupherhand.“You’rejusttooyoung.Bothofyou.You’rebothstillgestatingandbecomingthepeopleyouwillonedaybe.You’restillchildren.Youaren’treadyforacommitmentlikethis.I’mtalkingaboutalifetimehere,Jeremiah.”
Eagerly,hesaid,“Laurel,IwanttobewithBellyforalifetime.Icancommittothat,easy.”
Mymothershookherhead.“Andthat’showIknowyou’renotready,Jeremiah.Youtakethingstoolightly.Thisisn’tthekindofthingyouundertakeonawhim.Thisisserious.”Thecondescensioninhervoicereallypissedmeoff.Iwaseighteenyearsold,noteight,andJeremiahwasnineteen.Wewereoldenoughtoknowthatmarriagewasserious.We’dseenthewayourparentshadscreweduptheirownmarriages.Weweren’tgoingtomakethesamemistakes.ButIdidn’tsayanything.IknewthatifIgotmadortriedtoargue,itwouldonlyproveherpoint.SoIjustsatthere.“Iwantyoutwotowait.IwantBellytofinishschool.Whenshegraduates,ifyoutwostillfeelthesameway,doitthen.Butonlyaftershegraduates.IfBeckwashere,she’dagreewithme.”
“Ithinkshe’dbereallyhappyforus,”Jeremiahsaid.
Beforemymothercouldcontradicthim,headded,“Bellywillstillfinishcollegeontime,Icanpromiseyouthat.I’lltakegoodcareofher.Justgiveusyourblessing.”Hereachedoutandtouchedherhandandgaveitaplayfulshake.“Comeon,Laur.Youknowyou’vealwayswantedmeforason-in-law.”
Mymotherlookedpained.“Notlikethis,hon.I’msorry.”
Therewasalong,awkwardpause.Asthethreeofsatthere,Icouldfeelmyselfstarttotearup.Jeremiahputhisarmaroundmeandclaspedmyshoulder,thenheletgo.
“Doesthismeanyouaren’tcomingtothewedding?”Iaskedher.
Shakingherhead,shesaid,“Isabel,whatwedding?Youdon’thavethemoneytopayforawedding.”
“That’sforustoworryabout,notyou,”Isaid.“Ijustwanttoknow,areyoucoming?”
“Ialreadygaveyoumyanswer.No,Iwon’tbethere.”
“Howcanyousaythat?”Iletoutabreath,tryingtokeepcalm.“You’rejustmadthatyoudon’tgetasayinthis.Youdon’tgetasayinwhathappens,andit’skillingyou.”
“Yes,itiskillingme!”shesnapped.“Watchingyoumakesuchastupiddecisioniskillingme.”
Mymotherfixedhereyesonme,andIturnedmyheadawayfromher,mykneesshaking.Icouldn’tlistentoheranymore.Shewaspoisoningourgoodnewswithallherdoubtsandnegativity.Shewastwistingeverything.
Istoodup.“ThenI’llleave.Youwon’thavetowatchanymore.”
Jeremiahlookedstartled.“Comeon,Bells,sitdown.”
“Ican’tstayhere,”Isaid.
Mymotherdidn’tsayaword.Shejustsatthere,herbackramrodstraight.
Iwalkedoutofthelivingroomandupthestairs.
InmyroomIpackedquickly,throwingastackofT-shirtsandunderwearintoasuitcase.IwasthrowingmytoiletriesbagontopoftheheapwhenJeremiahcameintomyroom.Heclosedthedoorbehindhim.
Hesatdownonmybed.“Whatjusthappened?”heasked,stilllookingdazed.
Ididn’tanswerhim,Ikeptpacking.
“Whatareyoudoing?”heaskedme.
“Whatdoesitlooklike?”
“Okay,butdoyouhaveaplan?”
Izippedupmysuitcase.“Yes,Ihaveaplan.I’mstayingattheCousinshouseuntilthewedding.Ican’tdealwithher.”
Jeremiahsuckedinhisbreath.“Areyouserious?”
“Youheardher.Sheisn’tchanginghermind.Thisisthewayshewantsit.”
Hehesitated.“Idon’tknow….Whataboutyourjob?”
“You’retheonewhotoldmeIshouldquit.It’sbetterthisway.IcanplantheweddingbetterinCousinsthanIcanhere.”IwassweatingasIheavedupmysuitcase.“Ifshecan’tgetonboardthistrain,thenthat’stoobad.Becausethisishappening.”
Jeremiahtriedtotakethesuitcasefromme,butItoldhimnottobother.Iluggeditdownthestairsandtothecarwithoutawordtoorfrommymother.Shedidn’taskwhereweweregoing,andshedidn’taskwhenIwascomingback.
Onthewayoutoftown,westoppedatBehrs.JerewaitedformeinhiscarwhileIwentinside.IfIhadn’tjusthadafightwithmymother,Ineverwouldhavehadthenervetoquitlikethat.EventhoughpeoplecameandwentallthetimeatBehrs,especiallystudents…still.Iwentstraightbacktothekitchenandfoundmymanager,Stacey,andtoldherIwassorry,butasitturnedoutIwasgettingmarriedintwomonthsandIcouldn’tkeepworkingthere.Staceyeyedmystomachandthenmyringfingerandsaid,“Congratulations,Isabel.Justsoyouknow,there’salwaysaplaceforyouhereatBehrs.”
Aloneinmycaragain,Icriedloud,raggedsobs.Icrieduntilmythroathurt.Iwasmadatmymom,butbiggerthanthatwasthisoverwhelming,heavysadness.Iwasgrownupenoughtodothingsonmyown,withouther.Icouldgetmarried,Icouldquitmyjob.Iwasabiggirlnow.Ididn’thavetoaskforherpermission.Mymotherwasnolongerallpowerful.Partofmewishedshestillcouldbe.
chaptertwenty-seven
WewerehalfanhourfromCousinswhenJeremiahcalledandsaid,“Conrad’sbeenstayinginCousins.”
Mywholebodywentstiff.Wewereatastoplight,andJeremiah’scarwasinfrontofmine.“Sincewhen?”
“Sincelastweek.Hejuststayedafterthewholethingattherestaurant.Hecamebackoncetogethisstuff,butIthinkhe’sgonnaspendthesummerouthere.”
“Oh,”Isaid.“Doyouthinkhe’llmindthatI’mstayingthere?”
IcouldhearJerehesitate.“No,Idon’tthinkhe’llmind.IjustwishIcouldbetheretoo.Ifitwasn’tforthatstupidinternship,Icouldbe.MaybeIshouldjustquit.”
“Youcan’t.Yourdadwillkillyou.”
“Yeah,Iknow.”Iheardhimhesitateagain,andthenhesaid,“Idon’tfeelrightaboutthewayweleftthingswithyourmom.Maybeyoushouldgobackhome,Bells.”
“Itwon’twork.We’lljustfightagain.”Thelightturnedgreen.“Youknow,Iactuallythinkthiscouldbeforthebest.It’llgiveusbothspace.”
“Ifyousayso,”Jeremiahsaid,butIcouldtellhedidn’tcompletelyagree
“Let’stalkmorewhenwegettothehouse,”Isaid,andwehungup.
ThisnewsthatConradwasinCousinsleftmefeelinguneasy.Maybestayingatthesummerhousewasn’ttheanswer.
Butthen,whenIpulledintotheemptydriveway,Ifeltsuchincrediblerelieftobeback.Home,Iwasbackhome.
Thehouselookedthesame,tallandgrayandwhite.Itmademefeelthesame.LikeIwasrightwhereIbelonged.LikeIcouldbreatheagain.
IwassittinginJeremiah’slaponaloungechairwhenweheardacarpullup.ItwasConrad,gettingoutofthecarwithabagofgroceries.Helookedtakenabacktoseeussittingthereonthedeck.Istoodupandwaved.
Jeremiahstretchedhishandsbehindhisheadandleanedbackontohischair.“Hey,Con.”
“What’sup,”hesaid,walkingovertous.“Whatareyouguysdoinghere?”
ConradsetdownthegrocerybagandtookaseatnexttoJeremiah’s,andIjustsortofhoveredabovethem.
“Weddingstuff,”Jeremiahsaidvaguely.
“Weddingstuff,”Conradrepeated.“Soyouguysarereallydoingit?”
“Hellyeahweare.”Jeremiahpulledmebackontohislap.“Right,wifey?”
“Don’tcallmewifey,”Isaid,wrinklingmynose.“Gross.”
Conradignoredme.“DoesthatmeanLaurel’schangedhermind?”heaskedJere.
“Notyet,butshewill,”Jeremiahsaid,andIdidn’tcorrecthim.
IsatperchedthereforabouttwentymoresecondsbeforeItwistedoutofhisarmsandstoodupagain.“I’mstarving,”Isaid,leaningdownandpokingaroundConrad’sgrocerybag.“Didyoubuyanythinggood?”
Conradgavemehisbemusedhalfsmile.“NoCheetosorfrozenpizzaforyouinhere.Sorry.Igotstufffordinner,though.I’llcooksomethingforus.”
Hegotup,tookthegrocerybag,andwentintothehouse.
Fordinner,Conradmadeatomato,basil,andavocadosalad,andhegrilledchickenbreasts.Weateoutsideonthedeck.
Withamouthfullofchicken,Jeremiahsaid,“Wow,I’mimpressed.Sincewhendoyoucook?”
“SinceI’vebeenlivingonmyown.ThisisprettymuchallIeat.Chicken.Everyday.”Conradpushedthesaladbowltowardme,notlookingup.“Didyougetenough?”
“Yeah.Thanks,Conrad.Thisisallreallygood.”
“Reallygood,”Jeremiahechoed.
Conradonlyshrugged,butthetipsofhisearsturnedpink,andIknewhewaspleased.
IpokedJeremiahinthearmwithmyfork.“Youcouldlearnathingortwo.”
Hepokedmeback.“Socouldyou.”Hetookabigbiteofsaladbeforeannouncing,“Belly’sgonnastayhereuntilthewedding.Isthatcoolwithyou,Con?”
IcouldtellConradwassurprised,becausehedidn’tanswerrightaway.
“Iwon’tbeinyourway,”Iassuredhim.“I’lljustbedoingweddingstuff.”
“It’sfine.Idon’tcare,”hesaid.
Ilookeddownatmyplate.“Thanks,”Isaid.SoI’dbeenworriedaboutnothing.Conraddidn’tcareifIwasthereornot.Itwasn’tlikewewouldhavetohangoutwitheachother.Hewoulddohisownthingthewayhealwaysdid,Iwouldbebusyplanningthewedding,andJeremiahwoulddriveupeveryFridaytohelp.Itwouldbefine.
Afterwefinishedeatingdinner,Jeremiahsuggestedweallgogeticecreamfordessert.Conraddeclined,sayinghewouldcleanup.Isaid,“Thecookshouldn’thavetocleanup,”buthesaidhedidn’tmind.
JereandIwentintotown,justthetwoofus.Igotascoopofcookiesandcreamandascoopofcookiedoughwithsprinkles,inawafflecone.Jeremiahgotrainbowsherbet.
“Areyoufeelingbetter?”heaskedmeaswewalkedaroundtheboardwalk.“Aboutwhathappenedwithyourmom?”
“Notreally,”Isaid.“I’dratherjustnotthinkaboutitanymoretoday.”
Jeremiahnodded.“Whateveryouwant.”
Ichangedthesubject.“Didyoufigureouthowmanypeopleyouwanttoinvite?”Iasked.
“Yup.”Hestartedtoticknamesoffonhisfingers.“Josh,Redbird,Gabe,Alex,Sanchez,Peterson—”
“Youcan’tinviteeveryoneinyourfraternity.”
“They’remybrothers,”hesaid,lookingwounded.
“Ithoughtwesaidwewerekeepingitreallysmall.”
“SoI’lljustinviteafewofthem,then.Okay?”
“Okay.Westillhavetofigureoutfood,”Isaid,lickingmywayaroundtheconesoitwouldn’tdrip.
“WecouldalwaysgetContogrillsomechicken,”Jeremiahsaidwithalaugh.
“He’sgoingtobeyourbestman.Hecan’tbesweatingoverthegrill.”
“Iwaskidding.”
“Didyouaskhimyet?Tobeyourbestman?”
“Notyet.Iwill,though.”Heleaneddownandtookabiteofmyicecream.Hegotsomeonhisupperlip,likeamilkmustache.
Ibittheinsidesofmycheekstokeepfromsmiling.
“What’ssofunny?”
“Nothing.”
Whenwegotbacktothehouse,ConradwaswatchingTVinthelivingroom.Whenwesatdownonthecouch,hegotup.“I’mgonnahitthesack,”hesaid,stretchinghisarmsoverhishead.
“It’s,like,teno’clock.Watchamoviewithus,”Jeremiahsaid.
“Nah,I’mgonnagetupearlytomorrowandsurf.Wannajoinme?”
Jeremiahglancedatmebeforesaying,“Yeah,soundsgood.”
“Ithoughtweweregonnaworkontheguestlistinthemorning,”Isaid.
“I’llcomebackbeforeyou’reevenawake.Don’tworry.”ToConrad,hesaid,“Knockonmydoorwhenyou’reup.”
Conradhesitated.“Idon’twanttowakeupBelly.”
Icouldfeelmyselfblush.“Idon’tmind,”Isaid.
SinceJeremiahandIhadbecomeboyfriendandgirlfriend,we’donlybeenatthesummerhousetogetheronce.Thattime,Isleptinhisroomwithhim.WewatchedTVuntilhefellasleep,becausehelikedtosleepwiththetelevisiononinthebackground.Icouldn’tfallasleeplikethat,soIwaiteduntilhedidandthenIturneditoff.Itfeltkindofstrange,sleepinginhisbedwhenminewasjustdownthehall.
Atcollegewesleptinthesamebedallthetime,andthatfeltnormal.ButhereatthesummerhouseIjustwantedtosleepinmyownroom,inmyownbed.Itwasfamiliartome.Itmademefeellikealittlegirlstillonvacationwithherwholefamily.Mypaper-thinsheetswiththefadedyellowrosebuds,mycherrywooddresserandvanity.Iusedtohavetwowhitetwinbeds,butSusannahgotridofthemandputinwhatshe’dcalleda“biggirlbed.”Ilovedthatbed.
Conradwentupstairs,andIwaiteduntilIheardhisbedroomdoorshutbeforeIsaid,“MaybeI’llsleepinmyroomtonight.”
“Why?”Jeremiahasked.“IpromiseI’llbequietwhenIgetup.”
Carefully,Iasked,“Aren’tthebrideandgroomsupposedtosleepindifferentbedsbeforethewedding?”
“Yeah,butthat’sthenightbeforethewedding.Noteverynightbeforethewedding.”Helookedhurtforasecond,andthenhesaidinhisjokingway,“Comeon,youknowIwon’ttouchyou.”
EventhoughIknewhewasonlykidding,itstillstungalittle.
“It’snotthat.Sleepinginmyownroommakesmefeel…normal.It’s—it’sdifferentthanatschool.Atschool,sleepingwithyounexttomefeelsnormal.ButhereIlikerememberingwhatitusedtofeellike.”Isearchedhisfacetoseeifanyofthehurtwasstillthere.“Doesthatmakesenseatall?”
“Iguess.”Jeremiahlookedunconvinced,andIstartedtowishI’dneverbroughtitup.
Iscootedclosertohim,puttingmyfeetinhislap.“You’llhavemenexttoyoueverynightfortherestofourlives.”
“Yeah,Iguessthat’llbeplenty,”hesaid.
“Hey!”Isaid,kickingoutmyleg.
Jeremiahjustsmiledandputapillowovermyfeet.ThenhechangedthechannelandwewatchedTVwithoutsayinganythingmoreaboutit.Whenitwastimetogotobed,hewenttohisroom,andIwenttomine.
IsleptbetterthanIhadinweeks.
chaptertwenty-eight
CONRAD
IaskedJereifhewantedtosurfbecauseIwantedtogethimalonesoIcouldfindoutwhatthehellwasgoingon.Ihadn’ttalkedtohimsincehemadehisgrandannouncementattherestaurant.Butnowthatwewerealone,Ididn’tknowwhattosay.
Webobbedonoursurfboards,waitingforthenextwave.Ithadbeenslowouttheresofar.
Iclearedmythroat.“SohowpissedisLaurel?”
“Pissed,”Jeresaid,grimacing.“Bellyandherhadaprettybigfightyesterday.”
“Infrontofyou?”
“Yeah.”
“Shit.”Iwasn’tsurprised,though.TherewasnowayLaurelwasgoingtobelike,sure,I’llthrowmyteenageddaughterawedding.
“Yeah,prettymuch.”
“WhatdoesDadsayaboutallthis?”
Hegavemeafunnylook.“SincewhendoyoucarewhatDadsays?”
Ilookedouttowardthehouse.Ihesitatedbeforesaying,“Idon’tknow.IfLaurel’sagainstitandDad’sagainstit,maybeyoushouldn’tdoit.Imean,youguysarestillincollege.Youdon’tevenhaveajob.Whenyouthinkaboutit,it’skindofridiculous.”Myvoicetrailedoff.Jerewasshootingdaggersatme.
“Stayoutofit,Conrad,”hesaid.Hewaspracticallyspitting.
“Allright.Sorry.Ididn’tmeanto…I’msorry.”
“Ineveraskedforyouropinion.ThisisbetweenmeandBelly.”
Isaid,“You’reright.Forgetit.”
Jeremiahdidn’tanswer.Helookedoverhisshoulder,andthenhestartedtopaddleaway.Asthewavecrested,hepoppedupandrodeittoshore.
Ipunchedmyhandthroughthewater.Iwantedtokickhisass.ThisisbetweenmeandBelly.Smugpieceofshit.
Hewasmarryingmygirl,andIcouldn’tdoanythingaboutit.Ijusthadtowatchithappen,becausehewasmybrother,becauseIpromised.Takecareofhim,Connie.I’mcountingonyou.
chaptertwenty-nine
WhenIgotupthenextmorning,theboyswerestillsurfing,soItookmybinderandmylegalpadandaglassofmilkouttothedeck.
AccordingtoTaylor’schecklist,wehadtogettheguestlistfiguredoutbeforewecoulddoanythingelse.Thatmadesense.Otherwise,howwouldweknowhowmuchfoodweneededandeverything?
Sofar,mylistwasshort.Taylor,hermom,acoupleofthegirlswe’dgrownupwith—MarcyandBlairandmaybeKatie—Anika,mydad,Steven,andmymother.AndIdidn’tevenknowifmymotherwascoming.Mydadwould—Iknewhewould.Nomatterwhatmymothersaid,he’dbethere.Iwantedmygrandmatocometoo,butshe’dmovedoutofherhouseinFloridaandintoanursinghometheyearbefore.She’dneverlikedtraveling,andnowshecouldn’t.InherinvitationIdecidedIwouldwriteanotepromisingtovisitwithJeremiahoverfallbreak.
Thatwasprettymuchitforme.Ihadafewcousinsonmydad’ssidebutnoneIwasparticularlycloseto.
JeremiahhadConrad,threeofhisfraternitybrotherslikeweagreed,hisfreshman-yearroommate,andhisdad.LastnightJeretoldmehecouldtellhisdadwassoftening.HesaidMr.Fisheraskedaboutwhowasmarryingusandhowmuchwewereplanningonspendingonthisso-calledwedding.Jeretoldhimourbudget.Onethousanddollars.Mr.Fisherhadsnorted.Tome,athousanddollarswasalotofmoney.Lastyear,ittookmethewholesummertosavethatmuchwaitressingatBehrs.
Ourguestlistwouldbeundertwentypeople.Withtwentypeoplewecouldhaveaclambakeandfeedeveryone,easy.Wecouldgetafewkegsandsomecheapchampagne.Sincewe’dbemarryingonthebeach,wewouldn’tevenneeddecorations.Justsomeflowersforthepicnictables,orshells.Shellsandflowers.Iwasonarollwiththiswedding.Taylorwasgoingtobeproudofme.
IwaswritingdownmyideasasJeremiahcameupthesteps.Thesunblazedbehindhim,sobrightithurtmyeyes.“Morning,”Isaid,squintingupathim.“Where’sCon?”
“He’sstilloutthere.”Jeremiahsatdownnexttome.Grinning,heasked,“Aw,didyoudoalltheworkwithoutme?”Hewasdrippingwet.Adropofseawatersplasheddownonmynotepad.
“Youwish.”Iwipedatthewater.“Hey,whatdoyouthinkaboutaclambake?”
“Ilikeagoodclambake,”heagreed.
“Howmanykegsdoyouthinkwe’dneedfortwentypeople?”
“IfPetersonandGomezarecoming,that’stwoalready.”
Ipointedmypenathischest.“Wesaidthreebrothersandthat’sit.Right?”
Henodded,andthenheleanedforwardandkissedme.Hislipstastedsalty,andhisfacewascoolagainstmywarmone.
InuzzledhischeekbeforeIbrokeaway.“IfyougetTaylor’sbinderwet,she’llkillyou,”Iwarned,puttingitbehindme.
Jeremiahmadeasadface,andthenhetookmyarmsandputthemaroundhisnecklikewewereslowdancing.“Ican’twaittomarryyou,”hemurmuredintomyneck.
Igiggled.Iwassuperticklishonmyneck,andheknewit.Heknewalmosteverythingaboutmeandhestilllovedme.
“Andwhataboutyou?”
“Whataboutme?”
Heblewonmyneck,andIburstoutlaughing.Itriedtowriggleawayfromhim,buthewouldn’tletme.Stillgiggling,Isaid,“Okay,Ican’twaittomarryyoueither.”
Jereleftlaterthatafternoon.Iwalkedhimouttohiscar.Conrad’scarwasn’tinthedriveway;Ididn’tknowwherehe’dgoneoffto.
“CallmewhenyougethomesoIknowyougottheresafe,”Isaid.
Henodded.Hewasbeingquiet,whichwasunlikehim.Iguessedhewassadtobeleavingsosoon.Iwishedhecouldstaylongertoo.Ireallydid.
Igotonmytiptoesandgavehimabighug.“Seeyouinfivedays,”Isaid.
“Seeyouinfivedays,”herepeated.
Iwatchedhimdriveoff,mythumbshookedinthebeltloopsofmycutoffs.WhenIcouldn’tseehiscaranymore,Iheadedbackinsidethehouse.
chapterthirty
ThatfirstweekinCousins,IsteeredclearofConrad.Icouldn’tdealwithonemorepersontellingmethatIwasmakingamistake,especiallyjudgyConrad.Hedidn’tevenhavetosayitwithwords;hecouldjudgewithhiseyes.SoIgotupearlierthanhimandatemealsbeforehedid.AndwhenhewatchedTVinthelivingroom,IstayedupstairsinmyroomaddressinginvitationsandlookingatweddingblogsthatTaylorhadbookmarkedforme.
Idoubtheevennoticed.Hewasprettybusytoo.Hesurfed,hehungoutwithfriends,heworkedonthehouse.I’dneverhaveknownhewashandyifIdidn’tseeitwithmyowntwoeyes—Conradonaladdercheckingtheair-conditioningvents,Conradrepaintingthemailbox.Isawitallfrommybedroomwindow.
IwaseatingastrawberryPop-Tartonthedeckwhenhecamejoggingupthesteps.He’dbeenoutallmorning.Hishairwassweaty,andhewaswearinganoldT-shirtfromhishighschoolfootballdaysandapairofnavygymshorts.
“Hey,”Isaid.“Whereareyoucomingfrom?
“Thegym,”Conradsaid,walkingpastme.Thenhestoppedshort.“Isthatwhatyou’reeatingforbreakfast?”
IwasmunchingaroundtheedgeofthePop-Tart.“Yeah,butit’smylastone.Sorry.”
Heignoredme.“Ileftcerealoutonthecounter.There’sfruitinthefruitbowltoo.”
Ishrugged.“Ithoughtitwasyours.Ididn’twanttoeatyourstuffwithoutasking.”
Impatiently,hesaid,“Thenwhydidn’tyouask?”
Iwastakenaback.“HowcouldIaskwhenI’vebarelyevenseenyou?”
WescowledateachotherforaboutthreesecondsbeforeIsawasmiletuggingatthecornersofhismouth.“Fairenough,”hesaid,andhistraceofasmilewasalreadygone.Hestartedtoslidetheglassdooropen,andthenheturnedandsaid,“WhateverIbuy,youcaneat.”
“Samehere,”Isaid.
Thatalmost-smileagain.“YoucankeepyourPop-TartsandyourFunyunsandyourKraftmacandcheesealltoyourself.”
“Hey,Ieatotherstuffbesidesjustjunk,”Iprotested.
“Sureyoudo,”hesaid,andhewentinside.
Thenextmorning,thecerealboxwasoutonthecounteragain.Thistime,Ihelpedmyselftohiscerealandtohisskimmilk,andIevencutupabananatoputontop.Itwasn’thalfbad.
Conradwasturningouttobeaprettygoodhousemate.Healwaysputtheseatbackdownonthetoilet,hedidhisdishesrightaway,heevenboughtmorepapertowelswhenweranout.Iwouldn’thaveexpectedanyless,though.Conradhadalwaysbeenneat.HewastheexactoppositeofJeremiahinthatway.Jeremiahneverchangedtherolloftoiletpaper.Itwouldneveroccurtohimtobuypapertowelsortosoakagreasypaninhotwateranddishwashingsoap.
Iwenttothegrocerystorelaterthatdayandboughtstufffordinner.Spaghettiandsauceandlettuceandtomatoforasalad.Icookeditaroundseven,thinking,ha!ThiswillshowhimhowhealthilyIcaneat.Iendedupovercookingthepastaandnotrinsingthelettucethoroughlyenough,butitstilltastedfine.
Conraddidn’tcomehome,though,soIateitaloneinfrontoftheTV.Ididputsomeleftoversonaplateforhim,though,andIleftitonthecounterwhenIwentuptobed.
Thenextmorning,itwasgoneandthedishwaswashed.
chapterthirty-one
ThenexttimeConradandIspoketoeachother,itwasthemiddleofthedayandIwassittingatthekitchentablewithmyweddingbinder.Nowthatwehadourguestlist,thenextthingIneededtodowasmailoffourinvitations.Italmostseemedsillytobotherwithinvitationswhenwehadsofewguests,butamasse-maildidn’tfeelquiterighteither.IgottheinvitationsfromDavid’sBridal.Theywerewhitewithlightturquoiseshells,andallIhadtodowasrunthemthroughtheprinter.Andpoof,weddinginvitations.
Conradopenedtheslidingdoorandsteppedintothekitchen.HisgrayT-shirtwassoakedinsweat,soIguessedhe’dgoneforarun.“Goodrun?”Iaskedhim.
“Yeah,”hesaid,lookingsurprised.Helookedatmystackofenvelopesandasked,“Weddinginvitations?”
“Yup.Ijustneedtogogetstamps.”
Pouringhimselfaglassofwater,hesaid,“Ineedtogointotownandgetanewdrillatthehardwarestore.Thepostofficeisontheway.Icangetyourstamps.”
Itwasmyturntolooksurprised.“Thanks,”Isaid,“butIwanttogoandseewhatkindoflovestampstheyhave.”
Hedownedhiswater.
“Doyouknowwhatalovestampis?”Ididn’twaitforhimtoanswer.“It’sastampthatsays‘love’onit.Peopleusethemforweddings.IonlyknowbecauseTaylortoldmeIhadtogetthem.”
Conradhalfsmiledandsaid,“Wecantakemycarifyouwant.Saveyouatrip.”
“Sure,”Isaid.
“I’mgonnatakeaquickshower.Givemetenminutes,”hesaid,andranupthestairs.
Conradwasbackdownstairsintenminutes,justlikehesaid.Hegrabbedhiskeysoffthecounter,Islidmyinvitationsintomypurse,andthenweheadedouttothedriveway.
“Wecantakemycar,”Ioffered.
“Idon’tmind,”hesaid.
ItfeltsortoffunnysittinginthepassengerseatofConrad’scaragain.Hiscarwasclean;itstillsmelledthesame.
“Ican’trememberthelasttimeIwasinyourcar,”Isaid,turningontheradio.
Withoutmissingabeat,hesaid,“Yourprom.”
Oh,God.
Prom.Thesiteofourbreakup—usfightingintheparkinglotintherain.Itwasembarrassingtothinkofitnow.HowIhadcried,howIhadbeggedhimnottogo.Notoneofmyfinestmoments.
Therewasanawkwardsilencebetweenus,andIhadafeelingwewerebothrememberingthesamething.TofillthesilenceIsaidbrightly,“Gosh,thatwas,like,amillionyearsago,huh?”
Thistimehedidn’treply.
Conraddroppedmeoffinfrontofthepostofficeandsaidhe’dbebacktopickmeupinafewminutes.Ihoppedoutofthecarandraninside.
Thelinemovedquickly,andwhenitwasmyturn,Isaid,“CanIseeyourlovestamp,please?”
Thewomanbehindthecounterrifledthroughherdrawerandslidasheetofstampsovertome.TheyhadweddingbellsonthemandLOVEwasinscribedonaribbontyingthebellstogether.
Isetmystackofinvitationsonthecounterandcountedthemquickly.“I’lltakeasheet,”Isaid.
Eyeingme,sheasked,“Arethoseweddinginvitations?”
“Yes,”Isaid.
“Doyouwanttohandcancelthem?”
“Pardon?”
“Doyouwanttohandcancelthem?”sherepeated,andthistimeshesoundedannoyed.
Ipanicked.Whatdid“handcancel”mean?IwantedtotextTaylorandask,buttherewasalinegrowingbehindme,soIsaidhastily,“No,thankyou.”
AfterIpaidforthestamps,Iwentoutside,satonthecurb,andstampedallmyinvitations—oneformymother,too.Justincase.Shecouldstillchangehermind.Therewasstillachance.ConraddroveupasIwaspushingthemthroughthemailslotoutside.Thiswasreallyhappening.Iwasreallygettingmarried.Noturningbacknow,notthatIwantedto.
Climbingintothecar,Iasked,“Didyougetyournewdrill?”
“Yep,”hesaid.“Didyoufindyourlovestamps?”
“Yep,”Isaid.“Hey,whatdoesitmeantohandcancelmail?”
“Cancelingiswhenthepostofficemarksthestampsoitcan’tbeusedagain.Iguesshandcancelingwouldbedoingitbyhandinsteadofmachine.”
“Howdidyouknowthat?”Iasked,impressed.
“Iusedtocollectstamps.”
Thatwasright.Hehadcollectedstamps.I’dforgotten.Hekepttheminaphotoalbumhisdadgavehim.
“Itotallyforgotaboutthat.Holycrap,youweresoseriousaboutyourstamps.Youwouldn’tevenletustouchyourbookwithoutpermission.RememberhowJeremiahstoleoneandusedittosendapostcardandyouweresomadyoucried?”
“Hey,thatwasmyAbrahamLincolnstampthatmygrandpagaveme,”Conradsaiddefensively.“Thatwasararestamp.”
Ilaughed,andthenhedidtoo.Itwasanicesound.Whenwasthelasttimewe’dlaughedlikethis?
Shakinghishead,hesaid,“Iwassuchalittlegeek.”
“No,youweren’t!”
Conradthrewmealook.“Stampcollecting.Chemistryset.Encyclopediaobsession.”
“Yeah,butyoumadeallofthatseemcool,”Isaid.InmymemoryConradwasnogeek.Hewasolder,smarter,interestedingrown-upthings.
“Youweregullible,”hesaid.Andthen,“Whenyouwerereallylittle,youhatedcarrots.Youwouldn’teatthem.ButthenItoldyouthatifyouatecarrots,you’dgetX-rayvision.Andyoubelievedme.YouusedtobelieveeverythingIsaid.”
Idid.Ireallydid.
IbelievedhimwhenhesaidthatcarrotscouldgivemeX-rayvision.Ibelievedhimwhenhetoldmethathe’dnevercaredaboutme.Andthen,laterthatnight,whenhetriedtotakeitback,IguessIbelievedhimagain.NowIdidn’tknowwhattobelieve.IjustknewIdidn’tbelieveinhimanymore.
Ichangedthesubject.Abruptly,Iasked,“AreyougoingtostayinCaliforniaafteryougraduate?”
“Itdependsonmedschool,”hesaid.
“Areyou…doyouhaveagirlfriend?”
Isawhimstart.Isawhimhesitate.
“No,”hesaid.
chapterthirty-two
CONRAD
HernamewasAgnes.AlotofpeoplecalledherAggie,butIstuckwithAgnes.Shewasinmychemclass.Onanyothergirl,anamelikeAgneswouldn’thaveworked.Itwasanold-ladyname.Agneshadshortdirty-blondhair,itwaswavy,andshehaditcutatherchin.Sometimessheworeglasses,andherskinwasaspaleasmilk.Whenwewerewaitingforthelabtoopenuponeday,sheaskedmeout.Iwassosurprised,Isaidyes.
Westartedhangingoutalot.Ilikedbeingaroundher.Shewassmart,andherhaircarriedthesmellofhershampoonotjustfreshoutoftheshowerbutforawholeday.Wespentmostofourtimetogetherstudying.Sometimeswe’dgogetpancakesorburgersafter,sometimeswe’dhookupinherroomduringastudybreakwhenherroommatewasn’taround.Butitwasallcenteredaroundbothofusbeingpre-med.Itwasn’tlikeIspentthenightinherroomorinvitedhertostayoverinmine.Ididn’thangoutwithherandherfriendsormeetherparents,eventhoughtheylivednearby.
Onedaywewerestudyinginthelibrary.Thesemesterwasalmostover.We’dbeendatingtwo,almostthree,months.
Outofnowhere,sheaskedme,“Haveyoueverbeeninlove?”
NotonlywasAgnesgoodatnochem,shewasreallygoodatcatchingmeoffguard.Ilookedaroundtoseeifanyonewaslistening.“Haveyou?”
“Iaskedyoufirst,”shesaid.
“Thenyes.”
“Howmanytimes?”
“Once.”
Agnesabsorbedmyanswerasshechewedonherpencil.“Onascaleofonetoten,howinlovewereyou?”
“Youcan’tputbeinginloveonascale,”Isaid.“Eitheryouareoryouaren’t.”
“Butifyouhadtosay.”
Istartedflippingthroughmynotes.Ididn’tlookatherwhenIsaid,“Ten.”
“Wow.Whatwashername?”
“Agnes,comeon.WehaveanexamonFriday.”
Agnesmadeapoutyfaceandkickedmylegunderthetable.“Ifyoudon’ttellme,Iwon’tbeabletoconcentrate.Please?Justhumorme.”
Iletoutashortbreath.“Belly.Imean,Isabel.Satisfied?”
Shakingherhead,shesaid,“Uh-uh.Nowtellmehowyoumet.”
“Agnes—”
“IswearI’llstopifyoujustanswer”—Iwatchedhercountinherhead—“threemorequestions.Threeandthat’sit.”
Ididn’tsayyesorno,Ijustlookedather,waiting.
“So,howdidyoumeet?”
“Weneverreallymet.Ijustalwaysknewher.”
“Whendidyouknowyouwereinlove?”
Ididn’thaveananswertothatquestion.Therehadn’tbeenonespecificmoment.Itwaslikegraduallywakingup.Yougofrombeingasleeptothespacebetweendreamingandawakeandthenintoconsciousness.It’saslowprocess,butwhenyou’reawake,there’snomistakingit.Therewasnomistakingthatithadbeenlove.
ButIwasn’tgoingtosaythattoAgnes.“Idon’tknow,itjusthappened.”
Shelookedatme,waitingformetogoon.
“Youhaveonemorequestion,”Isaid.
“Areyouinlovewithme?”
LikeIsaid,thisgirlwasreallygoodatcatchingmeoffguard.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Becausetheanswerwasno.“Um…”
Herfacefell,andthenshetriedtosoundupbeatasshesaid,“Sono,huh?”
“Well,areyouinlovewithme?”
“Icouldbe.IfIletmyself,IthinkIcouldbe.”
“Oh.”Ifeltlikeapieceofshit.“Ireallydolikeyou,Agnes.”
“Iknow.Icanfeelthatthat’strue.You’reanhonestguy,Conrad.Butyoudon’tletpeoplein.It’simpossibletogetclosetoyou.”Shetriedtoputherhairinaponytail,butthefrontpieceskeptfallingoutbecauseitwassoshort.Thenshereleasedherhairandsaid,“Ithinkyoustilllovethatothergirl,atleastalittlebit.AmIright?”
“No,”ItoldBelly.
“Idon’tbelieveyou,”shesaid,tiltingherheadtooneside.Teasingly,shesaid,“Iftherewasn’tagirl,whywouldyoustayawayforsolong?Therehastobeagirl.”
Therewas.
I’dstayedawayfortwoyears.Ihadto.IknewIshouldn’tevenbeatthesummerhouse,becausebeingthere,beingnearher,IwouldjustwantwhatIcouldn’thave.Itwasdangerous.ShewastheonepersonIdidn’ttrustmyselfaround.ThedaysheshowedupwithJere,IcalledmyfriendDannytoseeifIcouldcrashonhiscouchforawhile,andhe’dsaidyes.ButIcouldn’tbringmyselftodoit.Icouldn’tleave.
IknewIhadtobecareful.Ihadtokeepmydistance.IfsheknewhowmuchIstillcared,itwasallover.Iwouldn’tbeabletowalkawayagain.Thefirsttimewashardenough.
Thepromisesyoumakeonyourmother’sdeathbedarepromisesthatareabsolute;they’retitanium.There’snowayyou’rebreakingthem.IpromisedmymotherthatIwouldtakecareofmybrother.ThatIwouldlookafterhim.Ikeptmyword.IdiditthebestwayIcould.Byleaving.
Imighthavebeenafuckupandafailureandadisappointment,butIwasn’taliar.
IdidlietoBelly,though.Justthatonetimeinthatcrappymotel.Ididittoprotecther.That’swhatIkepttellingmyself.Still,iftherewasonemomentinmylifeIcouldredo,onemomentoutofalltheshittymoments,thatwastheoneI’dpick.WhenIthoughtbacktothelookonherface—thewayitjustcrumpled,howshe’dsuckedinherlipsandwrinkledhernosetokeepthehurtfromshowing—itkilledme.God,ifIcould,I’dgobacktothatmomentandsayalltherightthings,I’dtellherIlovedher,I’dmakeitsothatsheneverlookedthatwayagain.
chapterthirty-three
CONRAD
Thatnightinthemotel,Ididn’tsleep.Iwentoverandovereverythingthathadeverhappenedbetweenus.Icouldn’tkeepdoingit,goingbackandforth,holdinghercloseandthenpushingheraway.Itwasn’tright.
WhenBellygotuptoshowerarounddawn,JereandIgotuptoo.IwasfoldingmyblanketupwhenIsaid,“It’sokayifyoulikeher.”
Jerestaredatme,hismouthhangingopen.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
IfeltlikeIwaschokingasIsaid,“It’sokaywithme…ifyouwanttobewithher.”
HelookedatmelikeIwascrazy.IfeltlikeI’dgonecrazy.Iheardthewaterintheshowershutoff,andIturnedawayfromhimandsaid,“Justtakecareofher.”
Andthen,whenshecameout,dressed,herhairwet,shelookedatmewiththosehopefuleyes,andIlookedbackatherlikeIdidn’trecognizeher.Completelyblank.Isawhereyesdim.Isawherloveformedie.I’dkilledit.
WhenIthoughtaboutitnow,thatmomentinthemotel,IunderstoodIwastheonewho’dsetthisthinginmotion.Pushedthemtogether.Itwasmydoing.Iwastheonewhowasgoingtohavetolivewithit.Theywerehappy.
I’dbeendoingaprettygoodjobofmakingmyselfscarce,butIhappenedtobehomethatFridayafternoonwhen,outofnowhere,Bellyneededme.Shewassittingonthelivingroomfloorwiththatstupidbinder,papersallaroundher.Shelookedfreakedout,stressed.Shehadthatworriedgrimaceonherface,thelookshe’dgetwhenshewasworkingonamathproblemandshecouldn’tfigureitout.
“Jere’sstuckincitytraffic,”shesaid,blowingherhairoutofherface.“Itoldhimtoleaveearlier.Ireallyneededhishelptoday.”
“Whatdidyouneedhimtodo?”
“WeweregonnagotoMichaels.Youknow,thatcraftstore?”
Drily,Isaid,“Ican’tsayI’veeverbeentoaMichaelsbefore.”Ihesitated,thenadded,“Butifyouwant,I’llgowithyou.”
“Really?BecauseI’mpickingupsomeheavystufftoday.Thestore’sallthewayoverinPlymouth,though.”
“Sure,noproblem,”Isaid,feelinginexplicablygratifiedtobeliftingheavystuff.
Wetookhercarbecauseitwasbigger.Shedrove.I’donlyeverriddenwithherafewtimes.Thissideofherwasnewtome.Assured,confident.Shedrovefast,butshewasstillincontrol.Ilikedit.Ifoundmyselfsneakingpeeksather,andIhadtoforcemyselftocoolit.
“You’renotabaddriver,”Isaid.
Shegrinned.“Jeremiahtaughtmewell.”
That’sright.Hetaughtherhowtodrive.“Sowhatelseaboutyouhaschanged?”
“Hey,Iwasnevernotagooddriver.”
Isnorted,thenlookedoutthewindow.“IthinkStevewoulddisagree.”
“He’llneverletmelivedownwhatIdidtohispreciousbaby.”Sheshiftedgearsaswecametoastoplight.“Sowhatelse?”
“Youwearheelsnow.Atthegardenceremony,youhadonhighheels.”
Therewasaminutehesitationbeforeshesaid,“Yeah,sometimes.Istilltripinthem,though.”Ruefullysheadded,“I’mlikearealladynow.”
Ireachedouttotouchherhand,butatthelastsecondIpointedinstead.“Youstillbiteyournails.”
Shecurledherfingersaroundthesteeringwheel.Withalittlesmile,shesaid,“Youdon’tmissathing.”
“Okay,so,whatarewepickinguphere?Flowerholders?”
Bellylaughed.“Yeah.Flowerholders.Inotherwords,vases.”Shegrabbedacart,andItookitfromherandpusheditinfrontofus.“Ithinkwedecidedonhurricanevases.”
“What’sahurricanevase?AndhowthehelldoesJereknowwhatoneis?”
“Ididn’tmeanJereandIdecided,ImeantmeandTaylor.”Shegrabbedthecartandwalkedaheadofme.Ifollowedhertoaisletwelve.
“See?”Bellyheldupafatglassvase.
Icrossedmyarms.“Verynice,”Isaidinaboredvoice.
Sheputdownthevaseandpickedupaskinnierone,andshedidn’tlookatmeasshesaid,“I’msorryyou’retheonestuckdoingthiswithme.Iknowit’slame.”
“It’snot—thatlame,”Isaid.Istartedgrabbingvasesofftheshelf.“Howmanydoweneed?”
“Wait!Shouldwegetthebigonesorthemediumones?I’mthinkingmaybethemediumones,”shesaid,liftingoneupandcheckingthepricetag.“Yeah,definitelythemediumones.Ionlyseeafewleft.Canyougoasksomebodywhoworkshere?”
“Thebigones,”Isaid,becauseI’dalreadystackedfourofthebigonesinthecart.“Thebigonesaremuchnicer.Youcanfitmoreflowersorsandorwhatever.”
Bellynarrowedhereyes.“You’rejustsayingthatbecauseyoudon’twanttogofindsomebody.”
“Okay,yeah,butseriously,Ithinkthebigonesarenicer.”
Sheshruggedandputanotherbigvaseinthecart.“Iguesswecouldjusthaveonebigvaseoneachtableinsteadoftwomedium-sizeones.”
“Nowwhat?”Istartedtopushthecartagain,andshetookitfromme.
“Candles.”
Ifollowedherdownanotheraisle,thenanother.“Idon’tthinkyouknowwhereyou’regoing,”Isaid.
“I’mtakingyouonthescenicroute,”shesaid,steeringthecart.“Lookatallthesefakeflowersandgarlands.Goodstuff.”
Istopped.“Shouldwegetsome?Theymightlookgoodontheporch.”Igrabbedabunchofsunflowersandaddedafewwhiterosestothebunch.“Thislookskindofnice,right?”
“Iwaskidding,”shesaid,suckinginhercheeks.Icouldtellshewastryingnottosmile.“Butyeah,thatlooksallright.Notgreat,butallright.”
Iputtheflowersback.“Allright,Igiveup.Fromnowon,I’lljustdotheheavylifting.”
“Niceeffort,though.”
Backatthehouse,Jeremiah’scarwasinthedriveway.“JereandIcanunloadallofthislater,”Isaid,turningofftheignition.
“I’llhelp,”sheoffered,hoppingoutofthecar.“I’mjustgonnasayhifirst.”
Igrabbedacoupleoftheheavierbagsandfollowedherupthestepsandintothehouse.JeremiahwaslyingonthecouchwatchingTV.Whenhesawus,hesatup.“Wherehaveyouguysbeen?”heasked.Hesaiditcasually,buthiseyesflickeredatmeashespoke.
“AtMichaels,”Bellysaid.“Whattimedidyougethere?”
“Alittlewhileago.Whydidn’tyouwaitforme?ItoldyouI’dbehereintime.”Jeremiahgotupandcrossedtheroom.HepulledBellytowardhimforahug.
“Itoldyou,Michaelsclosesatnine.Idoubtyouwouldhavemadeitintime,”shesaid,andshesoundedpissed,butshelethimkissher.
Iturnedaway.“I’mgonnagounloadthecar.”
“Wait,I’llhelp.”JeremiahreleasedBellyandslappedhishandonmyback.“Con,thanksforpinch-hittingformetoday.”
“Noproblem.”
“It’saftereight,”Bellysaid.“I’mstarving.Let’sallgotoJimmy’sfordinner.”
Ishookmyhead.“Nah,I’mnothungry.Youguysgo.”
“Butyoudidn’thaveanydinner,”Bellysaid,frowning.“Justcomewithus.”
“No,thanks,”Isaid.
Shestartedtoprotestagain,butJeresaid,“Bells,hedoesn’twantto.Let’sjustgo.”
“Areyousure?”sheaskedme.
“I’mgood,”Isaid,anditcameoutharsherthanImeantit.
Iguesseditworkedthough,becausetheyleft.
chapterthirty-four
AtJimmy’s,neitherofusorderedcrabs.Igotfriedscallopsandicedtea,andJeremiahgotalobsterrollandbeer.TheserveraskedforhisIDandsmirkedwhenhesawit,buthestillservedhimabeer.
Ishookafewsugarpacketsintomyicedtea,tastedit,thenaddedtwomore.
“I’mwiped,”Jeremiahsaid,leaningbackintotheboothandclosinghiseyes.
“Well,wakeup.Wehaveworktodo.”
Heopenedhiseyes.“Likewhat?”
“Whatdoyoumean,likewhat?Tonsofstuff.AtDavid’sBridaltheywereaskingmeallthesequestions.Like,what’sourcolorpalette?Andareyougoingtowearasuitoratuxedo?”
Jeremiahsnorted.“Atuxedo?Onthebeach?Iprobablywon’tevenwearshoes.”
“Well,yeah,Iknow,butyoushouldprobablyfigureoutwhatyou’regoingtowear.”
“Idon’tknow.Youtellme.I’llwearwhateveryouandTaylorwantmetowear.It’syourguys’sday,right?”
“Haha,”Isaid.“Veryfunny.”Itwasn’tlikeIreallycaredwhathewore.IjustwantedhimtofigureitoutandletmeknowsoIcouldcheckitoffmylist.
Drumminghisfingersonthetable,hesaid,“Iwasthinkingwhiteshirtsandkhakishorts.Niceandsimple,likewesaid.”
“Okay.”
Jeremiahgulpedhisbeer.“Hey,canwedanceto‘YouNeverCanTell’atthereception?”
“Idon’tknowthatsong,”Isaid.
“Sureyoudo.It’sfrommyfavoritemovie.Hint:wehadthesoundtrackonrepeatinourfrathousemediaroomallsemester.”WhenIstillstaredathimblankly,Jeremiahsang,“Itwasateenageweddingandtheoldfolkswishedthemwell.”
“Oh,yeah.PulpFiction.”
“Socanwe?”
“Areyouserious?”
“Comeon,Bells.Beasport.WecanputitonYouTube.Ibetwe’llgetashittonofhits.It’llbefunny!”
Igavehimalook.“Funny?Youwantourweddingtobefunny?”
“Comeon.You’remakingallthedecisions,andallIwantisthisonething,”hesaid,pouting,andIcouldn’ttellifhewasseriousornot.Eitherway,itpissedmeoff.Plus,Iwasstillpissedhehadn’tmadeitintimetohelpmeatMichaels.
Theservercamebywithourfood,andJeremiahdugrightintohislobsterroll.
“WhatotherdecisionshaveImade?”Iaskedhim.
“Youdecidedthatthecakewasgoingtobecarrot,”heremindedme,mayonnaisedrippingdownhischin.“Ilikechocolatecake.”
“Idon’twanttobetheonemakingallthedecisions!Idon’tevenknowwhatI’mdoing.”
“ThenI’llhelpmore.Justtellmewhattodo.Hey,I’vegotanidea.WhatiftheweddingwasTarantinothemed?”hesaid.
“Yeah,whatif,”Isaidsourly.Istabbedascallopwithmyfork.
“YoucouldbetheBridelikeinKillBill.”Helookedupfromhisplate.“Kidding,kidding.Butthiswholethingisstillgonnabeprettychill,right?Wesaidwejustwantedittobecasual.”
“Yeah,butpeoplestillneedto,like,eat.”
“Don’tworryaboutthefoodandstuff.Mydadwillhiresomebodytotakecareofallthat.”
Icouldfeelirritationstarttopricklebeneathmyskinlikeaheatrash.Iletoutashortbreath.“It’seasyforyoutosaydon’tworry.You’renottheoneplanningourwedding.”
Jeremiahputdownhissandwichandsatupstraight.“ItoldyouI’dhelp.AndlikeIsaid,mydadwilltakecareofalotofit.”
“Idon’twanthimto,”Isaid.“Iwantustodoittogether.AndjokingaboutQuentTarantinomoviesdoesn’treallycountashelping.”
“It’sQuentin,”Jeremiahcorrected.
Ishothimadirtylook.
“Iwasn’tjokingaboutthefirstdance,”hesaid.“Istillthinkitwouldbecool.AndBells,Ihavebeendoingstuff.Ifiguredoutwhattodoformusic.MybuddyPetedeejaysontheweekends.Hesaidhe’dbringhisspeakersandjusthookuphisiPodandtakecareofthewholething.HealreadyhasthePulpFictionsoundtrack,bytheway.”
Jeremiahraisedhiseyebrowsatmecomically.Iknewhewaswaitingforalaughoratleastasmile.AndIwasabouttogivein,justsothisfightcouldbeoverandIcouldeatmyscallopswithoutfeelingangry,whenhesaidinnocently,“Oh,wait,didyouwanttocheckwithTaylorfirst?Seeifshe’dbeokaywithit?”
Iglaredathim.Heneededtoquitwiththejokesandstartactingalotmoreappreciative,becauseTaylorwastheonewhowasactuallyhelping,unlikehim.“Idon’tneedtocheckwithheronthis.It’sadumbidea,andit’snothappening.”
Jeremiahwhistledunderhisbreath.“Allrighty,Bridezilla.”
“I’mnotaBridezilla!Idon’tevenwanttodoanyofthis.Youdoit.”
Hestaredatme.“Whatdoyoumean,youdon’twanttodoanyofthis?”
Myheartwasbeatingreallyfastallofasudden.“Imeantheplanning.Idon’twanttodoanyofthisstupidplanning.Nottheactualgettingmarriedpart.Istillwanttodothat.”
“Good.Metoo.”Hereachedacrossthetable,pluckedascallopoffmyplate,andpoppeditintohismouth.
Istuffedthelastscallopintomymouthbeforehecouldtakethat,too.ThenIgrabbedabunchoffriesoffofhisplate,eventhoughIhadfriesofmyown.
“Hey,”hesaidwithafrown.“You’vegotyourownfries.”
“Yoursarecrispier,”Isaid,butreallyitwasmoreoutofspite.Iwondered—therestofourlives,wasJeremiahgoingtotryandeatmylastscallopormylastbiteofsteak?Ilikedfinishingallthefoodonmyplate—Iwasn’toneofthosegirlswholeftafewbitesbehindjusttobepolite.
IhadafryinmymouthwhenJeremiahasked,“HasLaurelcalledatall?”
Iswallowed.SuddenlyIwasn’tsohungryanymore.“No.”
“Shemusthavegottentheinvitebynow.”
“Yeah.”
“Well,hopefullyshe’llcallthisweek,”Jeresaid,stuffingtherestofhislobsterrollintohismouth.“Imean,I’msureshewill.”
“Hopefully,”Isaid.Isippedonmyicedteaandadded,“Ourfirstdancecanbe‘YouNeverCanTell’ifyoureallywant.”
Jerepumpedhisfistintheair.“See,that’swhyI’mmarryingyou!”
Asmilecreepedacrossmyface.“BecauseI’mgenerous?”
“Becauseyou’reverygenerous,andyougetme,”hesaid,takingbackafewofhisfries.
Whenwegotbacktothehouse,Conrad’scarwasgone.
chapterthirty-five
CONRAD
Iwouldratherhavehadsomeoneshootmeintheheadwithanailgun,repeatedly,thanhavetowatchthetwoofthemcuddlingonthecouchtogetherallnight.Aftertheywenttodinner,IgotinmycaranddrovetoBoston.AsIdrove,IthoughtaboutnotgoingbacktoCousins.Screwit.Itwouldbeeasierthatway.Halfwayhome,Imadeupmymindthatyeah,thatwouldbeforthebest.Anhourfromhome,Idecided,screwthem,Ihadasmuchrighttobethereastheydid.Istillneededtocleanoutthegutters,andIwasprettysureI’dseenawaspnestinthedrainpipe.TherewasallkindsofstuffIneededtotakecareof.Icouldn’tjustnotgoback.
Aroundmidnight,Iwassittingatthekitchentableinmyboxershortseatingcerealwhenmydadwalkedin,stillwearinghisworksuit.Ididn’tevenknowhewashome.
Hedidn’tlooksurprisedtoseeme.“Con,canItalktoyouforaminute?”heasked.
“Yeah.”
Hesatdownacrossfrommewithhisglassofbourbon.Inthedimlightofthekitchen,myfatherlookedlikeanoldman.Hishairwasthinningontop,andhe’dlostweight,toomuchweight.Whendidhegetsoold?Inmymindhewasalwaysthirty-seven.
Mydadclearedhisthroat.“WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddoaboutthisthingwithJeremiah?Imean,ishereallysetonit?”
“Yeah,Ithinkheis.”
“Laurel’sreallytornupaboutit.She’striedeverything,butthekidsaren’tlistening.Bellyranoff,andnowtheyaren’teventalkingtoeachother.YouknowhowLaurelcanget.”
Thiswasallnewstome.Ididn’tknowtheyweren’tspeakingtoeachother.
Mydadsippedfromhisglass.“Doyouthinkthere’sanythingIcando?Toputanendtoit?”
ForonceIactuallyagreedwithmydad.MyfeelingsforBellyaside,Ithoughtgettingmarriedatnineteenwasdumb.Whatwasthepoint?Whatweretheytryingtoprove?
“YoucouldcutJereoff,”Isaid,andthenIfeltlikeadickforsuggestingit.Iadded,“Butevenifyoudid,hestillhasthemoneyMomlefthim.”
“Mostofit’sinatrust.”
“He’sdetermined.He’lldoiteitherway.”Ihesitated,thenadded,“Besides,ifyoupulledsomethinglikethat,he’dneverforgiveyou.”
Mydadgotupandpouredhimselfsomemorebourbon.Hesippeditbeforehesaid,“Idon’twanttolosehimthewayIlostyou.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Sowesatthereinsilence,andrightwhenIfinallyopenedmymouthtosay,Youhaven’tlostme,hestoodup.
Sighingheavily,heemptiedhisglass.“Goodnight,son.”
“Goodnight,Dad.”
Iwatchedmyfathertrudgeupthestairs,eachstepheavierthanthelast—likeAtlaswiththeworldonhisshoulders.He’dneverhadtodealwiththiskindofthingbefore.He’dneverhadtobethatkindoffather.Mymomwasalwaystheretotakecareofthehardstuff.Nowthatshewasgone,hewasallwehadleft,anditwasn’tenough.
Ihadalwaysbeenthefavorite.Iwasourfather’sJacob,andJeremiahwasEsau.Itwasn’tsomethingI’deverquestioned;I’dalwaysassumeditwasbecauseIwasthefirstbornthatIcamefirstwithmydad.Ijustacceptedit,andsodidJere.Butaswegotolder,Isawthatthatwasn’tit.Itwasthathesawhimselfinme.Toourfather,Iwasjustareflectionofhim.Hethoughtweweresoalike.Jerewaslikeourmom,Iwaslikeourdad.SoIwastheoneheputallthepressureon.Iwastheonehefunneledallhisenergyandhopeinto.Football,school,allofit.Iworkedhardtomeetthoseexpectations,tobejustlikehim.
ThefirsttimeIrealizedmyfatherwasn’tperfectwaswhenheforgotmymom’sbirthday.He’dbeengolfingalldaywithhisfriends,andhecamehomelate.JereandIhadmadeacakeandboughtflowersandacard.Wehadeverythingsetuponthediningroomtable.Mydadhadhadafewbeers—Icouldsmellitonhimwhenhehuggedme.Hesaid,“Ohshit,Iforgot.Boys,canIputmynameonthecard?”Iwasafreshmaninhighschool.Late,Iknow,tofigureoutyourdadisn’tahero.ThatwasjustthefirsttimeIrememberbeingdisappointedbysomethinghedid.Afterthat,Ifoundmoreandmorereasonstobedisappointed.
AllofthatloveandprideIhadinhim,itturnedtohate.AndthenIstartedtohatemyself,whohe’dmade.BecauseIsawittoo—howalikewewere.Thatscaredme.Ididn’twanttobethekindofmanwhocheatedonhiswife.Ididn’twanttobethekindofmanwhoputworkbeforehisfamily,whotippedcheaplyatrestaurants,whoneverbotheredtolearnourhousekeeper’sname.
FromthereonIsetouttodestroythepictureofmehehadinhishead.Iquitourmorningrunsbeforeheleftforwork,Iquitthefishingtrips,thegolf,whichI’dneverlikedanyway.AndIquitfootball,whichIloved.He’dgonetoallmygames,videotapingthemsowecouldwatchlaterandhecouldpointouttheplaceswhereI’dmessedup.Everytimetherewasanarticleaboutmeinthenewspaper,heframeditandhungitinhisstudy.
Iquititalltospitehim.Anythingthatmadehimproudofme,Itookaway.
Ittookmealongtimetofigureitout.ThatIwastheonewhohadputmydadonthatpedestal.Ididthat,nothim.AndthenIdespisedhimfornotbeingperfect.Forbeinghuman.
IdrovebacktoCousinsonMondaymorning.
chapterthirty-six
OnMondayafternoonConradandIwereeatingoutsideonthedeck.Hehadgrilledchickenandcornforlunch.Hehadn’tbeenkiddingwhenhesaidallheeveratewasgrilledchicken.
“DidJeretellyouwhathewantsyouandSteventowearforthewedding?”Iaskedhim.
Conradshookhishead,lookingconfused.“Ithoughtguysjustworesuitsforweddings.”
“Well,yeah,butyouguysarehisbestmen,soyou’realldressingalike.Khakishortsandwhite-linenbutton-downshirts.Hedidn’ttellyou?”
“ThisisthefirstI’mhearingaboutlinenshirts.Orbeingabestman.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Jeremiahneedstogetontheball.Ofcourseyou’rehisbestman.YouandStevenbothare.”
“Howcantherebetwobestmen?‘Best’impliesonlyone.”Bitingintohiscornonthecob,hesaid,“LetStevenbeit,Idon’tcare.”
“No!You’reJeremiah’sbrother.Youhavetobehisbestman.”
MyphonerangasIwasexplainingtohimwhatbeingthebestmanentailed.Ididn’trecognizethenumber,butsincetheweddingplanninghadgottenunderway,I’dbeengettingalotofthose.
“IsthisIsabel?”Ididn’trecognizethevoice.Shesoundedolder,likesomeonemymother’sage.Whoevershewas,shehadathickBostonaccent.
Isaid,“Um,thisisshe.Imean,her.”
“MynameisDeniseColetti,I’mcallingfromAdamFisher’soffice.”
“Oh…hello.It’snicetomeetyou.”
“Yes,hello.Ijustneedyoutookayafewthingsforyourwedding.I’veselectedacateringservicecalledElegantlyYours;theydoeventsaroundthearea.They’redoingthisverylast-minuteforus;thiscatererbooksmonthsinadvanceforparties.Isthisallrightwithyou?”
Faintly,Isaid,“Sure.”
Conradlookedatmequizzically,andImouthed,DeniseColetti.Hiseyeswidened,andhegesturedformetogivehimthephone.Iwavedhishandaway.
ThenDeniseColettisaid,“Now,howmanypeopleareyouexpecting?”
“Twenty,ifeveryonecancome.”
“Adamtoldmemorelikeforty.I’llcheckwithhim.”Icouldhearhertyping.“Soprobablyfourtofiveappetizersaperson.Dowewantavegetarianoptionforthemeal?”
“Idon’tthinkJeremiahandIhaveanyvegetarianfriends.”
“Allright.Areyougoingtowanttogoanddoatasting?Ithinkyouprobablyshould.”
“Uh,okay.”
“Wonderful.I’llbookyoufornextweek,then.Nowforseatingarrangements.Doyouwanttwoorthreelongtablesorfiveroundtables?”
“Um…”Ihadn’teventhoughtoftables.Andwhatwasshetalkingabout,forty?IwaswishingIhadTaylornexttometotellmewhattodo.“CanIgetbacktoyouonthat?”
Deniseletoutalittlesigh,andIknewIhadsaidthewrongthing.“Sure,butbeasquickasyoucansoIcangivethemthego-ahead.That’sallfornow.I’llbetouchingbasewithyouagainlaterthisweek.Oh,andcongratulations.”
“Thankyouverymuch,Denise.”
Nexttome,Conradcalledout,“Hi,Denise!”
Shesaid,“IsthatConnie?Tellhimhellofromme.”
“Denisesayshello,”Itoldhim.
Thenshesaidmazeltov,andwehungup.
“What’sgoingon?”Conradaskedme.Hehadacornkernelstuckonhischeek.“WhyisDenisecallingyou?”
Iputmyphonedownandsaid,“Um,apparently,yourdad’ssecretaryisourweddingplannernow.Andwe’reinvitingfortypeopleinsteadoftwenty.”
Blandly,hesaid,“That’sgoodnews.”
“Howisthatgoodnews?”
“Itmeansmydadisokaywithyouguysgettingmarried.Andhe’spayingforit.”Conradstartedtocuthischicken.
“Huh.Wow.”Istoodup.“I’dbettercallJere.Wait,it’sthemiddleoftheday.He’sstillatwork.”
Isatbackdown.
Iprobablyshouldhavefeltrelievedthatsomeoneelsewastakingover,butinsteadIjustfeltoverwhelmed.ThisweddingwasgettingalotbiggerthanIhadimaginedit.Nowwewererentingtables?Itwasalltoomuch,toosudden.
Acrossfromme,Conradwasbutteringanotherearofcorn.Ilookeddownatmyplate.Iwasn’thungryanymore.Ifeltsicktomystomach.
“Eat,”Conradsaid.
Itookasmallbiteofchicken.
Iwouldn’tgettotalktoJeremiahuntillaterthatevening.ButthepersonIreallywantedtotalktowasmymother.Shewouldhaveknownhowtoconfigurethetablesandwheretoseateveryone.Denisewasn’ttheoneIwantedtoswoopinandtellmewhattodo,andnotMr.Fishereither,orevenSusannah.Ionlywantedmymother.
chapterthirty-seven
CONRAD
Itdidn’treallyhitmehowhardofatimeBellywashavinguntilIheardheronthephonewithTaylorlaterthatweek.Shehadherdooropen,andIwasbrushingmyteethinthehallbathroom.
Iheardhersay,“Taylor,Ireallyappreciatewhatyourmomistryingtodo,butIpromiseyou,it’sokay….Iknow,butitwouldjustfeeltooweirdwithalltheadultsfromtheneighborhoodatmyweddingshowerandthenmymomnotbeingthere….”Iheardhersighandsay,“Yeah,Iknow.Okay.Tellyourmomthanks.”
Sheclosedherdoorthen,andIwasprettysureIheardherstarttocry.
Iwenttomyroom,laydownonmybed,andstaredupattheceiling.
Bellyhadn’tletontomehowsadshewasabouthermom.Shewasanupbeatkindofperson,naturallycheerful,likeJere.Iftherewasabrightside,Bellywouldfindit.Hearinghercry,itshookmeup.IknewIshouldstayoutofit.Thatwasthesmartthingtodo.Shedidn’tneedmelookingoutforher.Shewasabiggirl.Besides,whatcouldIdoforher?
Iwasdefinitelystayingoutofit.
Thenextmorning,IgotupearlytoseeLaurel.ItwasstilldarkoutwhenIleft.Icalledheronthewayandaskedifshecouldmeetforbreakfast.Laurelwassurprised,butshedidn’taskquestions;shesaidshe’dmeetmeatadineroffthehighway.
IguessLaurelhadalwaysbeenspecialtome.EversinceIwasakid,Ijustlikedbeingnearher.Ilikedthewayyoucouldbequietaroundher,andwithher.Shedidn’ttalkdowntokids.Shetreateduslikeequals.AftermymomdiedandItransferredtoStanford,IstartedcallingLaureleveryonceinawhile.Istilllikedtalkingtoher,andIlikedthatsheremindedmeofmymomwithoutithurtingtoomuch.Itwaslikealinktohome.
Shegottothedinerfirst—shewassittinginaboothwaitingforme.“Connie,”shesaid,standingupandopeningherarms.Shelookedlikeshe’dlostweight.
“Hey,Laur,”Isaid,huggingherback.Shefeltgauntinmyarms,butshesmelledthesame.Laurelalwayshadaclean,cinnamonysmell.
Isatdownacrossfromher.Afterweordered,pancakesandbaconforbothofus,shesaid,“Sohowhaveyoubeen?”
“I’vebeenallright,”Isaid,chuggingdownsomejuice.
HowwasIevensupposedtobroachthissubject?Thiswasn’tmystyle.Itdidn’tcomenaturallytome,thewayitwouldforJere.Iwasbuttinginonsomethingthatwasn’tmybusiness.ButIhadtodoit.Forher.
Iclearedmythroatandsaid,“IcalledyoubecauseIwantedtotalkaboutthewedding.”
Herfacegottight,butshedidn’tinterrupt.
“Laur,Ithinkyoushouldgo.Ithinkyoushouldbepartofit.You’rehermom.”
Laurelstirredhercoffee,andthenshelookedatmeandsaid,“Youthinktheyshouldgetmarried?”
“Ididn’tsaythat.”
“Then,whatdoyouthink?”
“Ithinktheyloveeachotherandthey’regoingtodoitregardlessofwhatanyoneelsethinks.And…IthinkthatBellyreallyneedshermomrightnow.”
Drily,shesaid,“Isabelseemstobedoingjustfinewithoutme.Sheneverevencalledtoletmeknowwhereshewas.IhadtohearitfromAdam—who,bytheway,isapparentlypayingforthisweddingnow.ClassicAdam.AndnowSteven’sabestman,andBelly’sdadisgoingtogiveinthewayhealwaysdoes.ItseemsI’mtheonlyholdout.”
“Bellyisn’tfine.She’sbarelyeating.And…Iheardhercryinglastnight.ShewassayinghowTaylor’smomisthrowingheraweddingshowerbutitwon’tfeelrightwithoutyouthere.”
Laurel’sfacesoftened,justalittle.“Lucinda’sthrowingherashower?”Then,stirringhercoffeeagain,shesaid,“Jerehasn’tthoughtthisthrough.Heisn’ttakingitseriouslyenough.”
“You’reright,he’snotaseriousguy.Butbelieveme,he’sseriousabouther.”ItookadeepbreathbeforeIsaid,“Laurel,ifyoudon’tgo,you’llregretit.”
Shelookedatmedirectly.“Arewespeakinghonestlywitheachotherhere?”
“Don’twealways?”
Laurelnodded,takingasipofcoffee.“Yes,thatwedo.Sotellme.What’syourinterestinallofthis?”
Iknewthiswascoming.ThiswasLaurel,afterall.Shedidn’tmessaround.“Iwanthertobehappy.”
“Ah,”shesaid.“Justher?”
“Jeremiah,too.”
“Andthat’sit?”Shelookedatmesteadily.
Ijustlookedbackather.
ItriedtopayforbreakfastsinceIwastheonewhoinvitedherout,butLaurelwouldn’tletme.“Notgonnahappen,”shesaid.
Onthedriveback,Iplayedbackourconversation.TheknowinglookonLaur’sfacewhensheaskedmewhatmyinterestinthiswas.WhatwasIdoing?PickingoutvaseswithBelly,tryingtoplaypeacemakerwiththeparents.SuddenlyIwastheirweddingplanner,andIdidn’tevenagreewiththem.Ineededtodisengagefromthesituation.Iwaswashingmyhandsofthewholemess.
chapterthirty-eight
“Wherehaveyoubeen?”IaskedConradwhenhecamebackinthedoor.He’dbeengoneallmorning.
Hedidn’tanswermerightaway.Infacthewasbarelylookingatme.Andthenhesaid,shortly,“Justrunningerrands.”
Igavehimaweirdlook,buthedidn’tofferupanymoreinformation.SoIjustasked,“WannakeepmecompanywhileIgotothefloristinDyerstown?Ihavetopickoutflowersforthewedding.”
“Isn’tJerecomingtoday?Can’tyougowithhim?”Hesoundedannoyed.
Iwassurprisedandalittlehurt.Ithoughtwe’dbeengettingalongreallywellthesepastfewweeks.“He’snotgoingtobehereuntiltonight,”Isaid.Playfully,Iadded,“Anyway,you’retheonewho’stheflower-arrangingexpert,notJere,remember?”
Conradstoodatthesinkwithhisbacktome.Heturnedonthewater,fillingaglass.“Idon’twanttopisshimoff.”
IthoughtIheardatraceofhurtinhisvoice.Hurt—andsomethingelse.Fear
“What’swrong?Didsomethinghappenthismorning?”Ifeltworriedallofasudden.WhenConraddidn’tanswerme,Iwentupbehindhimandstartedtoputmyhandonhisshoulder,butthenheturnedaroundandmyhandfellbacktomyside.“Nothinghappened,”hesaid.“Let’sgo.I’lldrive.”
Hewasprettyquietattheflorist’s.TaylorandIhaddecidedoncallalilies,butwhenIlookedthroughthebookofflowerarrangements,Iendeduppickingpeoniesinstead.WhenIshowedthemtoConrad,hesaid,“Thoseweremymom’sfavorite.”
“Iremember,”Isaid.Iorderedfivearrangements,oneforeachtable,justlikeDeniseColettitoldmeto.
“Whataboutbouquets?”thefloristaskedme.
“Canthosebepeoniestoo?”Iasked.
“Sure,wecandothat.I’llputtogethersomethingniceforyou.”ToConrad,shesaid,“Areyouandyourgroomsmendoingboutonnieres?”
Heturnedred.“I’mnotthegroom,”hesaid.
“He’sthebrotherofthegroom,”Isaid,handingherMr.Fisher’screditcard.
Weleftprettysoonafter.
Onthewaybackhome,wepassedafruitstandonthesideoftheroad.Iwantedtostop,butIdidn’tsayso.IguessedConradcouldtell,becauseheasked,“Wanttogoback?”
“Nah,that’sokay,wealreadypassedit,”Isaid.
HemadeaU-turnontheone-waystreet.
Thefruitstandwasacoupleofwoodencratesofpeachesandasignthatsaidtoleavethemoneyinthecontainer.IputinadollarbecauseIdidn’thavechange.
“Aren’tyougoingtohaveone?”Iaskedhim,wipingoffmypeachonmyshirt.
“Nah,I’mallergictopeaches.”
“Sincewhen?”Idemanded.“I’vedefinitelyseenyoueatapeachbefore.Orpeachpie,atleast.”
Heshrugged.“Sincealways.I’veeatenthembefore,buttheymaketheinsideofmymouthitch.”
BeforeIbitintomypeach,Iclosedmyeyesandinhaledthefragrance.“Yourloss.”
Ihadneverhadapeachlikethatbefore.Soperfectlyripe.Yourfingerssankintothefruitalittlejusttouchingit.Igobbleditup,peachjuicerunningdownmychin,pulpdrippingallovermyhands.Itwassweetandtart.Afull-bodyexperience,smellandtasteandsight.
“Thisisaperfectpeach,”Isaid.“Ialmostdon’twanttohaveanotherone,becausethere’snowayitcanbeasgood.”
“Let’stestitout,”Conradsaid,andhewentandboughtmeanotherpeach.Iatethatoneinfourbites.
“Wasitasgood?”heaskedme.
“Yeah.Itwas.”
Conradreachedoutandwipedmychinwithhisshirt.Itwasmaybethemostintimatethinganyonehadeverdonetome.
Ifeltlight-headed,unsteadyonmyfeet.
Itwasallinthewayhelookedatme,justthosefewseconds.Thenhedroppedhiseyes,likethesunwastoobrightbehindme.
Isidesteppedawayfromhimandsaid,“I’mgonnabuysomemore,forJere.”
“Goodidea,”hesaid,backingaway.“I’llgowaitforyouinthecar.”
IwasshakingasIpiledpeachesintoaplasticbag.Justonelook,onetouchfromhim,andIwasshaking.Itwasmadness.Iwasmarryinghisbrother.
Backinthecar,Ididn’tspeak.Icouldn’thaveevenifIwantedto.Ididn’thavethewords.Inthequietoftheair-conditionedcar,thesilencebetweenusfeltblaringlyloud.SoIrolleddownmywindowandfixedmyeyesonallthemovingobjectsonmyside.
Athome,Jeremiah’scarwasparkedinthedriveway.Conraddisappearedassoonaswegotintothehouse.IfoundJerenappingonthecouch,hissunglassesstillonhishead.Ikissedhimawake.
Hiseyesflutteredopen.“Hey.”
“Hey.Wantapeach?”Iasked,swingingmyplasticbaglikeapendulum.Ifeltjitteryallofasudden.
Jerehuggedmeandsaid,“You’reapeach.”
“DidyouknowConrad’sallergictopeaches?”
“Ofcourse.Rememberthattimehehadpeachicecreamandhismouthswelledup?”
Ibrokeawayandwenttowashthepeaches.Itoldmyself,there’snothingtofeelguiltyabout,nothinghappened.Youdidn’tdoanything.
Iwasrinsingpeachesintheredplasticcolander,shakingexcesswateroffthewayI’dseenSusannahdosomanytimes.Whilethewaterwasrunningoverthepeaches,Jeremiahcameupbehindmeandgrabbedone,saying,“Ithinkthey’recleannow.”
Heliftedhimselfontothekitchencounterandbitintothepeach.
“Good,right?”Iaskedhim.Iheldoneuptomyfaceandinhaleddeeply,tryingtoclearmymindofallthecrazythoughts.
Jeremiahnodded.He’dalreadyfinisheditandwaslobbingthepitintothesink.“Reallygood.Didyougetanystrawberries?Icouldeatawholeboxofstrawberriesrightnow.”
“No,justthepeaches.”
Iputthepeachesinthesilverfruitbowl,arrangingthemasnicelyasIcould.Myhandswerestillshaking.
chapterthirty-nine
Theapartmenthadwall-to-wallnavybluecarpeting,andeventhoughIhadflip-flopson,Icouldjusttellthatitwasmoist.Thekitchenwasthesizeofanairplanebathroom,practically,andthebedroomhadnowindows.Theplacehadhighceilings—thatwastheonlynicethingaboutit,inmyopinion.
JeremiahandIhadspentthewholedaylookingatapartmentsnearourschool.Sofarwe’dseenthree.Thisplacewastheworstbyfar.
“Ilikethecarpet,”Jeremiahsaidappreciatively.“It’snicetowakeupinthemorningandputyourfeetdownoncarpet.”
Iglancedtowardtheopendoor,wherethelandlordwaswaitingforus.Helookedaroundmydad’sage.Hehadalongwhiteponytail,amustache,andatattooofatoplessmermaidonhisforearm.Hecaughtmelookingatthetattooandgrinnedatme.Igavehimaweaksmileinreturn.
ThenIwalkedbackintothebedroomandmotionedforJeremiahtofollowme.“Itsmellslikecigarettesmokeinhere,”Iwhispered.“It’s,like,absorbedinthecarpet.”
“Febreezeit,baby.”
“YouFebreezeit.Byyourself.I’mnotlivinghere.”
“What’stheproblem?Thisplaceispracticallyoncampus,it’ssoclose.Andthere’soutdoorspace—wecangrill.Thinkofallthepartieswe’llhave.Comeon,Belly.”
“Comeonnothing.Let’sgobacktothefirstplacewelookedat.Thatplacehadcentralair-conditioning.”Aboveus,Icouldfeelratherthanhearthebassfromsomeone’sstereopumping.
Jeremiahjammedhishandsintohispockets.“Thatplacewasalloldpeopleandfamilies.Thisplaceisforpeopleourage.Collegekidslikeus.”
Ilookedbackatthelandlord.Hewaslookingathiscellphone,pretendingnottolistentoourconversation.
Loweringmyvoice,Isaid,“Thisplaceisbasicallyafrathouse.IfIwantedtoliveinafrathouse,Iwouldbunkwithyoubackatfraternityrow.”
Herolledhiseyes.Loudly,hesaid,“Iguesswe’renottakingtheapartment.”Tothelandlord,heshrugged,likewhaddyagonnado.Liketheywereinonittogether,justacoupleofguys,partners.
“Thankyouforshowingustheapartment,”Isaid.
“Noproblemo,”theguysaid,lightingacigarette.
Aswesteppedoutoftheapartment,IshotJeremiahadirtylook.Hemouthed,What,inabewilderedway.Ijustshookmyhead.
“It’sgettinglate,”Jeremiahsaidinthecar.“Let’sjustpickaplace.Iwanttogetthisoverwithalready.”
“Okay,fine,”Isaid,turninguptheAC.“ThenIpickthefirstplace.”
“Fine,”hesaid.
“Fine,”Isaidback.
Wewentbacktothefirstapartmentcomplextofilloutpaperwork.Wewentstraighttothemanagementoffice.Thebuildingmanager’snamewasCarolyn.Shewastallandredhairedandsheworeaprintedwrapdress.HerperfumesmelledlikeSusannah’s.Itookthisasadefinitegoodomen.
“Soyourparentsaren’trentingtheapartmentforyou?”Carolynasked.“Moststudentshavetheirparentssignthelease.”
Iopenedmymouthtospeak,butJeremiahbeatmetoit.
“No,we’redoingthisonourown,”hesaid.“We’reengaged.”
Surpriseregisteredonherface,andIsawherglanceeversobrieflyatmystomach.“Oh!”shesaid.“Well,congratulations.”
“Thankyou,”Jeremiahsaid.
Isaidnothing.Inside,IwasthinkinghowsickIwasofeverybodythinkingIwaspregnantjustbecauseweweregettingmarried.
“We’llneedtodoacreditcheck,andthenIcanprocessyourapplication,”Carolynsaid.“Ifeverythingchecksout,theapartmentisyours.”
“Ifyou’vebeenlateonafewcredit-cardbills,willthat,um,negativelyimpactaperson’scredit?”Jeremiahasked,leaningforward.
Icouldfeelmyeyeswiden.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iwhispered.“Yourdadpaysyourcreditcard.”
“Yeah,Iknow,butIstartedonefreshmanyeartoo.Tobuildmycredit,”headded,givingCarolynawinningsmile.
“I’msureit’llbefine,”shesaid,buthersmilehadfaded.“Isabel,how’syourcredit?”
“Um,good,Ithink.Mydadputmedownonhiscreditcard,butIneveruseit,”Isaid.
“Hmm.Okay,howaboutanydepartment-storecards?”sheasked.
Ishookmyhead.
“Wedefinitelyhavefirstandlastmonth’srent,”Jeremiahputin.“Andwehavethesecuritydeposit,too.Soit’sallgood.”
“Great,”Carolynsaid,andshestoodupfromherchair.“I’mgoingtoprocessthistoday,andI’llletyouguysknowwithinthenextcoupleofdays.”
“I’llkeepmyfingerscrossed,”Isaid,tryingtosoundcheerful.
JeremiahandIwalkedoutofthebuildingandtotheparkinglot.Whenwewerestandingoutsidethecar,Isaid,“Ireallyhopewegetthatapartment.”
“Ifwedon’t,I’msurewecangetoneoftheotherones.IdoubtGarywouldevendoacreditcheckonus.”
“Who’sGary?”
Jeremiahwentaroundtothedriver’ssideandunlockedthedoor.“Thatguyfromthelastapartmentwesaw.”
Irolledmyeyes.“I’msureGarywouldstilldoacreditcheck.”
“Doubtit,”Jeresaid.“Garywascool.”
“Garyprobablyhasamethlabinthebasement,”Isaid,andthistimeJeremiahrolledhiseyes.
Icontinued.“Ifwelivedinthatapartment,wewouldprobablywakeupinthemiddleofthenightinanicebathwithoutourkidneys.”
“Belly,herentsapartmentstolotsofstudents.Aguyfrommysoccerteamlivedtherealllastyear,andhe’sfine.Stillhasbothkidneysandeverything.”
Welookedateachotherfromacrossthecar,onoppositesides.Jeresaid,“Whyarewestilltalkingaboutthis?Yougotyourway,remember?”
Hedidn’tfinishthesentencethewayIknewhewantedto—Yougotyourway,likeyoualwaysdo.
“Wedon’tknowifIgotmywayornot.”
Ididn’tfinishthesentencethewayIwantedto—Wedon’tknowifIgotmywayornot,becauseofyourbadcredit.
Ijerkedthepassengerdooropenandgotin.
Igotthecalllaterthatweek.Wedidn’tgettheapartment.Ididn’tknowifitwasbecauseofJere’sbadcreditormylackofcredit,butwhoreallycared.Thepointwas,wedidn’tgetit.
chapterforty
ItwasthedayofTaylor’sbridalshower.Ikeptthinkingofitashershowerbecausesheandhermomweretheoneswhowerethrowingit.Theinvitationstheysentoutwerenicerthanmyactualweddinginvitations.
Therewerealreadyabunchofcarsparkedinfrontofthehouse.IrecognizedMarcyYoo’ssilverAudiandTaylor’sAuntMindy’sblueHonda.Taylor’smailboxhadwhiteballoonsstrungonit.ItremindedmeofeverybirthdaypartyTaylorhadeverhad.Shealwayshadhotpinkballoons.Always.
Iwaswearingawhitesundressandsandals.I’dputonmascaraandblushandpinklipgloss.WhenI’dlefttheCousinshouse,ConradsaidIlookednice.Itwasthefirsttimewe’dspokensincethedaywestoppedforpeaches.Hesaid,Youlooknice,andIsaidthanks.Totallynormal.
Irangthedoorbell,somethingIneverdidatTaylor’shouse.Butsinceitwasaparty,IfiguredIshould.
Tayloransweredthedoor.Shewaswearingapinkdresswithlightgreenfishswimmingalongthehem,andshe’ddoneherhairhalfwayup.Shelookedlikesheshouldbethebride,notme.“Youlookpretty,”shesaid,huggingme.
“Sodoyou,”Isaid,steppinginside.
“Almosteverybody’shere,”shesaid,leadingmetothelivingroom.
“I’mjustgonnagopeefirst,”Isaid.
“Hurry,you’retheguestofhonor.”
Iusedthebathroomquickly,andafterIwashedmyhands,Itriedtobrushmyhairwithmyfingers.Iputalittlemorelipglosson.Forsomereason,Ifeltnervous.
Taylorhadhungcrepe-paperweddingbellsfromtheceiling,and“GoingtotheChapel”wasplayingonthestereo.
TherewereourfriendsMarcyandBlairandKatie,Taylor’sAuntMindy,mynextdoor-neighborMrs.Evans,Taylor’smomLucinda.Andsittingnexttoher,ontheloveseat,wearingalightbluesuit,wasmymother.
MyeyesfilledwhenIsawher.
Wedidn’trunacrosstheroomtoembrace,wedidn’tweep.Imademywayaroundtheroom,huggingwomenandgirls,andwhenIfinallyreachedmymother,wehuggedtightlyandforalongtime.Wedidn’thavetosayanything,becausewebothknew.
Atthebuffettable,Taylorsqueezedmyhand.“Happy?”shewhispered.
“Sohappy,”Iwhisperedback,pickingupaplate.Ifeltsuchimmenserelief.Everythingwasreallyworkingout.Ihadmymomback.Thiswasreallyhappening.
“Good,”Taylorsaid.
“Howdidthisevenhappen?Didyourmomtalktomymom?”
“Mm-hmm,”shesaid,andsheblewmealittlekiss.“Mymomsaiditwasn’tevenhardtoconvincehertocome.”
Lucindahadsetupthetablewithherfamouswhitecoconutcakeasthecenterpiece.Therewassparklinglemonade,pigsinablanket,babycarrots,andoniondip—allmyfavoritefoods.Mymomhadbroughtherlemonsquares.
Ifilledmyplatewithfoodandsatnexttothegirls.Poppingapiginablanketinmymouth,Isaid,“Thankyouguyssomuchforcoming!”
“Ican’tbelieveyou’regettingmarried,”Marcysaid,shakingherheadinawe.
“Meeither,”Blairsaid.
“Meeither,”Isaid.
Openingpresentswasthebestpart.Itfeltlikemybirthday.CupcaketinsfromMarcy,drinkingglassesfromBlair,handtowelsfromAuntMindy,cookbooksfromLucinda,aglasspitcherfromTaylor,adowncomforterfrommymother.
Taylorsatnexttome,writingdownwhogavewhatandcollectingribbons.Shepokedholesintoapaperplateandwovetheribbonsthrough.
“What’sthatfor?”Iaskedher.
“Yourbouquetfortherehearsal,silly,”Lucindasaid,beamingatme.She’dbeentanningthatmorning.Icouldtellbecauseyoucouldseethemarkshergoggleshadleft.
“Oh,we’renothavingarehearsaldinner,”Isaid.Becausehonestly,whatwastheretorehearse?Weweregettingmarriedonthebeach.Itwasgoingtobesimpleanduncomplicated,thewaywebothwantedit.
Taylorhandedtheplatetome.“Thenyouhavetowearitlikeahat.”
Lucindagotupandtiedthepaperplatearoundmyheadlikeabonnet.WealllaughedasMarcytookmypicture.
Taylorstoodup,holdinghernotebook.“Okay,sogetreadyforwhatBelly’sgoingtosayonherweddingnight.”
Icoveredmyfacewithmyribbonhat.I’dheardofthisgamebefore.Themaidofhonorwritesdownallthestuffthebride-to-besayswhileshe’sopeningpresents.
“‘Oh,sopretty!’”Taylorexclaimed,andtheroomtittered.
Itriedtograbthenotebookfromher,butshehelditabovemyheadandread,“‘Jeremiah’sgonnalovethis!’”
Afterthetoilet-paperweddingdresscompetition,afterwehelpedcleanupandeveryonehadleft,Iwalkedmymothertohercar.
IfeltshyasIsaid,“Thankyouforcoming,Mom.Itmeansalottome.”
Shebrushedmyhairoutofmyeyes.“You’remygirl,”shesaidsimply.
Ithrewmyarmsaroundher.“Iloveyouso,somuch.”
IcalledJeremiahassoonasIgotinmycar.“Wearesoon!”Iscreamed.Notthatweeverweren’t.Still,planningthiswedding,beingawayfromhome,beinginafightwithmymom—it’dhadmeinknots.Butwithmymotherbymyside,IfinallyfeltlikeIcouldbreatheagain.Myworriesweregone.Ifinallyfeltcomplete.IfeltlikeIcoulddothis.
Thatnight,Isleptathome.StevenandmymomandIwatchedcrimeTV,oneofthoseshowswheretheyrecreatecrimes.Wehowledlikewolvesatthehorribleacting,andweateFritosandtherestofmymother’slemonsquares.Itwassogood
chapterforty-one
CONRAD
ThedayBellywenthome,IwenttovisitErnie,theoldowneroftheseafoodrestaurantIusedtobustablesat.EverykidwhoeverwenttoCousinsknewwhoErniewas,justlikeErniekneweverykid.Heneverforgotaface,nomatterhowoldhegot.ErniehadtohavebeenatleastseventyyearsoldwhenIworkedthereinhighschool.HisnephewJohnwasrunningtheplacenow,andhewasaprick.AtfirsthedemotedErnietobartending,butErniecouldn’tkeepup,soJohnhadhimrollsilverware.Johnendedupcuttinghimoutofthebusinesscompletely,forcinghimintoretirement.Sure,Erniewasold,buthewasahardworker,andeverybodylovedhim.Iusedtotakesmokebreakswithhimoutside.Iknewitwaswrongtolethimbumacigarette,buthewasanoldguy,andwhocanreallysaynotoanoldguy?
Ernielivedinasmallhouseoffthehighway,andItriedtogooutandseehimonceaweekatleast.Tokeephimcompanybutalsotomakesurehewasstillalive.Erniedidn’thaveanybodyaroundtoremindhimtotakehismedicine,andhisnephewJohnsureashellwasn’tcomingbytovisit.AfterJohnpushedhimoutofthebusiness,ErniesaidJohnwasn’thisbloodanymore.
SoIwasprettysurprisedwhenIpulledontoErnie’sstreetandsawJohn’scaronitswayout.IparkedinfrontofthehouseandknockedoncebeforeIletmyselfin.
“Didyoubringmeacigarette?”Ernieaskedmefromthecouch.
Itwasthesamethingeverytime.Hewasn’tevenallowedtosmokeanymore.“No,”Isaid.“Iquit.”
“Thengetthehellout.”
Thenhelaughedthewayhealwaysdid,andIsatonhiscouch.Wewatchedoldcopshowsandatepeanutsinsilence.Duringcommercialbreaks,thatwaswhenwe’dtalk.
“Didyouhearmybrother’sgettingmarriednextweekend?”Iasked.
Hesnorted.“I’mnotinthegroundyet,boy.’CourseIheard.Everybody’sheard.She’sasweetgirl.Usedtocurtsyatmewhenshewaslittle.”
Grinning,Isaid,“That’sbecausewetoldheryouusedtobeaprinceinItalybutthenyoubecameamafioso.TheGodfatherofCousins.”
“Damnstraight.”
Theshowcamebackon,andwewatchedincomfortablesilence.Then,atthenextbreak,Erniesaid,“Soareyougonnacryaboutitlikeapunk,orareyougonnadosomething?”
Ialmostchokedonmypeanut.Coughing,Isaid,“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Hemadeanothersnortysound.“Don’tbecutewithme.Youloveher,right?She’stheone?”
“Ernie,Ithinkyouforgottotakeyourmedstoday,”Isaid.“Where’syourpillbox?”
Hewavedmeoffwithonebonywhitehand,hisattentionbackontheTV.“Simmerdown.Show’sbackon.”
IhadtowaituntilthenextcommercialuntilIaskedhimcasually,“Doyoureallybelieveinthat?Thatpeoplearemeanttobewithoneperson?”
Shellinganut,hesaid,“SureIdo.Elizabethwasmyone.Whenshepassed,Ididn’tfigureareasontolookforanotherone.Mygirlwasgone.NowI’mjustbidingmytime.Getmeabeer,willyou?”
Istoodupandwenttohisfridge.Icamebackwithabeerandafreshglass.Erniehadathingaboutafreshglass.“WhatwasJohndoingoverhere?”Iasked.“Isawhimonmywayin.”
“Hecametomowmylawn.”
“Ithoughtthatwasmyjob,”Isaid,pouringthebeerintohisglass.
“Youdoashitjobofedging.”
“Whendidyouguysevenstartspeakingagain?”
Ernieshruggedandpoppedapeanutintohismouth.“He’sprobablyjustsniffingaroundheresoIleavehimmypropertywhenIkickit.”Hedrankhisbeerandleanedbackintohiseasychair.“Eh,he’sagoodkid.Mysister’sonlyson.He’sfamily.Family’sfamily.Neverforgetthat,Conrad.”
“Ernie,twocommercialbreaksago,youtoldmethatifIdidn’ttryandbreakupmybrother’swedding,Iwasapunk!”
Pickingathisteeth,Erniesaid,“Ifagirl’stheone,allbetsareoff,familyornofamily.”
IfeltlighterwhenIleftErnie’shouseacoupleofhourslater.Ialwaysdid.
chapterforty-two
ItwasWednesday,justafewdaysbeforethewedding.Tomorrow,TaylorandAnikawerecominguptoCousins,andsowereJosh,Redbird,andmybrother.Theboysweregoingtohavetheirso-calledbachelornight,andTaylorandAnikaandIwerejustgoingtohangbythepool.BetweenDeniseColettiandTaylor,theweddingwasprettymuchreadytogo.Thefoodhadbeenordered—lobsterrollsandshrimpcocktail.WehadChristmaslightsforthedeckandyard.ConradwasgoingtoplayasongontheguitarwhenIwalkedoutwithmydad.IwasgoingtowearthejewelrySusannahhadleftme;Iwasgoingtodomyownhairandmakeup.
Everythingwascomingtogether,butIstillcouldn’tshakethefeelingthattherewassomethingI’dforgotten.
IwasvacuumingthelivingroomwhenConradpushedopentheslidingdoor.He’dbeensurfingallmorning.Iturnedoffthevacuumcleaner.“What’swrong?”Iaskedhim.Helookedpale,andhishairwasdrippinginhiseyes.
“Wipeout,”hesaid.“Igotcutbymyfin.”
“Bad?”
“Nah,nottoobad.”Iwatchedhimlimpovertothebathroom,andIranover.Hewassittingonthesillofthetub,andbloodwassoakingthroughhistowelandrunningdownhisleg.Ifeltwoozyforasplitsecond.
“It’salreadystoppedbleeding,”Conradsaid,andhisfacewasaswhiteasthemarblecounter.Helookedlikehewasgoingtopassout.“Looksworsethanitis.”
“Keepputtingpressureonit,”Isaid.“I’mgonnagetsomestufftocleanit.”
Itmusthavereallyhurt,becauseheobeyedme.WhenIcamebackwithhydrogenperoxideandgauzeandBactine,hewasstillsittingthereinthesameposition,hisleginthetub.
Isatdownnexttohimandstraddledthesill,facinghim.“Letgo,”Itoldhim.
“I’mfine,”hesaid.“I’lldoit.”
“No,you’renotfine,”Isaid.
Thenheletgoofthetowel,andIpresseddownonit.Hewinced.
“Sorry,”Isaid.Ihelditforafewminutes,andthenIpeeledthebloodytowelawayfromhisleg.Thecutwasafewincheslongandskinny.Itwasn’tbleedingasheavily,soIwentaheadandstartedtopourhydrogenperoxideonthewound.
“Ow!”heyelped.
“Don’tbesuchababy,it’sbarelyascratch,”Ilied.Iwaswonderingifhewasgoingtoneedstitches.
Conradleanedinclosertome,hisheadjustbarelyrestingonmyshoulderasIcleaned.Icouldfeelhimbreathinginandout,couldfeeleachsharpintakeofbreatheverytimeItouchedthecut.
Whenthecutwasclean,itlookedalotbetter.IdabbedBactineonitandthenwrappedhiscalfingauze.ThenIpattedhisknee.“See?Allbetter.”
Heliftedhisheadupandsaid,“Thankyou.”
“Sure,”Isaid.
Therewasthismomentbetweenusthen,ofusjustlookingateachother,holdingeachother’sgaze.Mybreathquickened.IfIleanedforwardjustalittle,wewouldbekissing.IknewIshouldmoveaway,butIcouldn’t.
“Belly?”Icouldfeelhisbreathonmyneck.
“Yeah?”
“Willyouhelpmestandup?I’mgoingtogoupstairsandtakeanap.”
“You’velostalotofblood,”Isaid,andmyvoicevibratedoffthebathroomtiles.“Idon’tthinkyou’resupposedtosleep.”
Hesmiledweakly.“That’swithconcussions.”
Iscrambledupandthenpulledhimupnexttome.“Canyouwalk?”Iasked.
“I’llmanage,”hesaid,limpingawayfromme,hishandonthewall.
MyT-shirtwasdampfromhisheadonmyshoulder.Mechanically,Istartedcleaningupthemess,andmyheartwaspoundingoutofmychest.Whatjusthappened?WhatdidIalmostdo?Thistimewasn’tlikewiththepeaches.Thistimeitwasallme.
Conradsleptrightthroughdinnertime,andIwonderedifIshouldbringhimsomefoodbutdecidedagainstit.InsteadIheateduponeofthefrozenpizzasI’dbought,andthenIspenttherestofthenightcleaningthedownstairs.Iwasrelievedthateverybodywouldbeheretomorrow.Itwouldn’tbejustmeandhimanymore.OnceJeremiahwashere,everythingwouldgobacktonormal.
chapterforty-three
Everythingdidgobacktonormal.Iwasnormal,Conradwasnormal:itwaslikenothinghappened.Becausenothingdidhappen.Ifhedidn’thaveabandageonhisleg,I’dhavethoughtIdreamedthewholething.
Theboyswerealldownbythebeach,exceptforConrad,whocouldn’tgetwateronhisleg.Hewasinthekitchen,gettingmeatreadyforthegrill.Usgirlswerelyingbythepool,passingabagofkettlecornbackandforth.Weatherwise,itwasaperfectCousinsday.Thesunwashighandhot,andtherewereonlyafewclouds.Norainintheforecastforthenextsevendays.Ourweddingwassafe.
“Redbird’skindofcute,no?”Taylorsaid,adjustingherbikinitop.
“Gross,”Anikasaid.“AnybodywithanicknamelikeRedbird—nothankyou.”
Taylorfrownedather.“Don’tbesojudgmental.Belly,whatdoyouthink?”
“Um…he’saniceguy.Jeremiahsayshe’sveryloyal.”
“See?”Taylorcrowed,pokingAnikawithhertoe.
Anikagavemealook,andIsmiledasneakysmileandsaid,“He’svery,veryloyal.Sowhatifhe’s,like,asmidgeCro-Magnon?”
Taylorthrewahandfulofpopcornatmeand,giggling,Itriedtocatchsomewithmymouth.
“Arewegoingoutwiththeboystonight?”Anikaasked.
“No,they’redoingtheirownthing.They’regoingtosomebarwithhalf-offIrishcarbombsorsomething.”
“Eww,”Taylorsaid.
Glancingbacktowardthekitchen,Anikasaidinalowvoice,“YouguysnevertoldmehowhotConradis.”
“He’snotthathot,”Taylorsaid.“Hejustthinksheis.”
“Nohedoesn’t,”Idefended.ToAnika,Isaid,“Tay’sjustmadbecauseheneverwentforher.”
“Whywouldhegoforherwhenhewasyourman?”
Ishushedher.“Hewasnevermyman,”Iwhispered.
“Hewasalwaysyourman,”Taylorsaid,spritzingherselfwithmoresuntanoil.
Firmly,Isaid,“Notanymore.”
Fordinnerwehadsteaksandgrilledvegetables.Itwasagrown-upkindofmeal.Drinkingredwine,sittingaroundatablewithallmyfriends,Ifeltadult.IwassittingnexttoJeremiah,andhehadhisarmaroundmychair.Andyet.
Allnight,Italkedtootherpeople.Ididn’tlookinhisdirection,butIalwaysknewwherehewas.Iwaspainfullyawareofhim.Whenhewasnearby,mybodyhummed.Whenhewasaway,therewasthisdullache.Withhimnear,Ifelteverything.
HewassittingnexttoAnika,andhesaidsomethingthatmadeherlaugh.Icouldfeelmyheartpinch.Ilookedaway.
Tomstoodupandmadeatoast.“ToBellyandJ-Fish,areally”—hebelched—“amazingcouple.Reallyfreakingamazing.”
IsawAnikagiveTayloralook,likeyouthinkthisguyiscute?Taylorshruggedbackather.Everyoneliftedtheirbeercansandwineglasses,andweclinked.Jeremiahpulledmetohimandkissedmeonthelips,infrontofeveryone.Ipulledaway,feelingembarrassed.IsawthelookonConrad’sfaceandwishedIhadn’t.
ThenStevensaid,“Onemoretoast,guys.”Awkwardly,hestoodup.“I’veknownJeremywholelife.Bellytoo,unfortunately.”
Ithrewmynapkinathim.
“Youguysaregoodtogether,”Stevensaid,lookingatme.ThenhelookedatJeremiah.“Treatherright,man.She’sapainintheass,butshe’stheonlysisterI’vegot.”
Icouldfeelmyselftearup.Igotupandhuggedhim.“Youjerk,”Isaid,wipingmyeyes.
AsIsatbackdownnexttoJere,hesaid,“IguessIshouldsaysomethingtoo.First,thanksforcoming,youguys.Josh,Redbird.TaylorandAnika.Itmeansalottohaveyouherewithus.”Jerenudgedme,andIstaredupathim,waitingforhimtomentionConrad.Igavehimapointedlook,buthedidn’tseemtogetit.Hesaid,“Yousaysomethingtoo,Belly.”
“Thanksforcoming,”Iechoed.“And,Conrad,thanksforthisamazingmeal.Reallyfreakingamazing.”
Everyonelaughed.
Afterdinner,IwentuptoJeremiah’sroomandwatchedhimgetreadytogooutwiththeboys.Thegirlswerestayingbehind.I’dtoldTaylorshecouldgoandgetherflirtonwithRedbird,butshesaidshe’dratherstay.“Heatehissteakwithhishands,”she’dsaid,lookingsick.
Jerewasputtingondeodorant,andIwassittingonhisunmadebed.“Yousureyoudon’twanttocomewithus?”heasked.
“I’msure.”Suddenly,Isaid,“Hey,rememberthattimewhenyoufoundthatdogonthebeach?AndwenamedherRosieuntilwerealizedshewasaboy,andthenwestillkeptcallingherRosieanyway?”
Helookedatme,frowningslightly,remembering.“Itwasn’tmewhofoundher,itwasConrad.”
“No,itwasn’t.Itwasyou.Andyoucriedwhenherownerscameandgother.”
“No,thatwasConrad.”Hisvoicewashardallofasudden.
“Idon’tthinkso,”Isaid.
“Itdefinitelywas.”
“Areyousure?”Iaskedhim.
“I’mpositive.SteveandIgavehimsomuchshitforcrying.”
HaditreallybeenConrad?I’dbeensosureofthatmemory.
WehadRosieforthreegloriousdaysbeforesomeoneclaimedher.Rosiewassweet.Shewasyellowandshehadsoftfurandwefoughtoverwhosebedshewouldsleepinatnight.Wedecidedtotaketurns,andmyturnwaslastbecauseIwastheyoungest,soInevergottokeepherinmybed.
WhatelsehadIrememberedwrong?IwasapersonwholovedtoplayRememberWheninmyhead.I’dalwayspridedmyselfonhowIrememberedeverydetail.Itscaredmetothinkthatmymemoriescouldbejustever-so-slightlywrong.
chapterforty-four
Aftertheboysleft,wewentuptomyroomtodonailsandpracticemakeupforthewedding.“Istillthinkyoushouldgetyourmakeupdone,”Taylorsaidfrommybed.Shewasdoinghertoesapale,chalkypink.
“Idon’twanttospendanymoreofMr.Fisher’smoney.He’sspendingenoughasitis,”Isaid.“Besides,Ihatewearingalotofmakeup.Ineverlooklikeme.”
“They’reprofessionals—theyknowwhatthey’redoing.”
“ThattimeyoutookmetotheMACcounter,theymademelooklikeadragqueen,”Isaid.
“That’stheiraesthetic,”Taylorsaid.“Atleastletmeputfalseeyelashesonyou.I’mwearingthem.SoisAnika.”
IlookedatAnika,whowaslyingonthefloorwithacucumberfacemaskon.“Youreyelashesarealreadylong,”Isaid.
“She’smakingme,”Anikasaidthroughgrittedteeth,tryingnottocrackhermask.
“Well,I’mnotwearingthem,”Isaid.“Jereknowswhatmyrealeyelasheslooklike,andhedoesn’tcare.Besides,theymakemyeyesitch.Remember,Tay?YouputthemonmeforHalloween,andItookthemoffassoonasyouhadyourbackturned.”
“Awasteoffifteendollars,”Taylorsniffed.Sheslidoffthebedandsatnexttomeonthefloor.IwastryingonthedifferentlipsticksTaylorhadbroughtwithher.Sofaritwasbetweenarosypinklipglossandanapricotlipstick
“Whichdoyoulikebetter?”Iaskedher.Ihadtheglossonmytoplipandthelipstickonmybottomlip.
“Thelipstick,”Taylorsaid.“It’llpopbetterinpictures.”
AtfirstwewerejustgoingtohaveJoshtakepictures—he’dtakenacoupleofphotographyclassesatFinch,andhewastheofficialfratphotographerforalltheirparties.ButnowthatMr.FisherandDeniseColettiwereinvolved,we’dhiredanactualphotographer,someoneDeniseknew.
“Imightstillgetmyhairdone,”Taylorsaid.
“Goforit,”Itoldher.
Weallchangedintoourpajamas,andTaylorandAnikapresentedmewithaweddinggift—alacywhitebabydollnightiewithmatchingpanties.
“Fortheweddingnight,”Taylorsaidmeaningfully.
“Uh,yeah,Igotthat,”Isaid,holdinguptheunderwear.IhopedIwasn’tblushingtoored.“Thanks,guys.”
“Doyouhaveanyquestionsforus?”Taylorasked,perchingonmybed.
“Taylor!I,like,liveintheworld.I’mnotanidiot.”
“I’mjustsaying…”Shepaused.“Youprobablywon’tlikeitthatmuchthefirstcoupleoftimes.Imean,I’msupertiny,whichmeansI’mreallylittledownthere,soithurtalot.Itmightnothurtasbadforyou.Tellher,Anika.”
Anikarolledhereyes.“Itdidn’thurtmeatall,Iz.”
“Well,youprobablyhavealargevagina,”Taylorsaid.
AnikathumpedTaylorontheheadwithapillow,andweallstartedgigglingandcouldn’tstop.ThenIsaid,“Wait,exactlyhowbaddidithurt,Tay?Didithurtthewayapunchinthestomachhurts?”
“Who’severpunchedyouinthestomach?”Anikaaskedme.
“Ihaveanolderbrother,”Iremindedher.
“It’sadifferentkindofpain,”Taylorsaid.
“Didithurtworsethanperiodcramps?”
“Yes.ButIwouldsayit’smorecomparabletogettingashotofNovocaininyourgums.”
“Great,nowshe’scomparinglosingyourvirginitytogettingacavityfilled,”Anikasaid,gettingup.“Iz,quitlisteningtoher.Ipromiseyouit’smorefunthangoingtothedentist.Itwouldbeonethingifyouwerebothvirgins,butJeremiahknowswhat’sup.He’lltakecareofyou.”
Taylorcollapsedintoanotherfitofgiggles.“He’lltakecareofher!”
Itriedtosmile,butmyfacefeltfrozen.Jeremiahhadbeenwithtwoothergirls.Hishighschoolgirlfriend,Mara,andnowLacieBarone.Soyeah,Iwasprettysurehe’dknowwhattodo.Ijustwishedhedidn’t.
Wewerealllyinginmybed,sidebysidebyside.Wewerejusttalkingwiththelightsoff,andAnikafellasleepfirst.I’dbeengoingoverandoverit,whetherornotIshouldconfideinTaylor,tellheraboutConrad,howmixedupI’dbeenfeeling.Iwantedtotellher,butIwasalsoafraid.
“Tay?”Iwhispered.Shewaslyingnexttome,andIwasontheedgeofthebedbecauseIwasgoingtoleaveandsleepinJere’sroomwhentheboyscameback.
“What?”Hervoicewassleepy.
“Somethingweirdhappened.”
“What?”Shewasalertnow.
“Yesterday,Conradcuthislegupsurfing,andIhelpedhim,andtherewasthisweirdmomentbetweenus.”
“Didyoukiss?”shehissed.
“No!”ButthenIwhispered,“ButIwantedto.Iwas—Iwastemptedto.”
“Whoa,”shesaidwithalittlesigh.“Butnothinghappened,right?”
“Nothinghappened.Ijustfeel…freakedoutbecauseIkindofwanteditto.Justforasecond.”Iletoutabigbreath.“I’mgettingmarriedinacoupleofdays.Ishouldn’tbethinkingaboutkissingotherboys.”
Softly,shesaid,“Conrad’snototherboys.He’syourfirstlove.Yourfirstgreatlove.”
“You’reright!”Isaid,relieved.Ifeltlighteralready.“It’snostalgia.That’sallthisis.”
Taylorhesitatedandthensaid,“There’ssomethingIhaven’ttoldyou.Conradwenttoseeyourmom.”
Mybreathcaught.“When?”
“Acoupleofweeksago.Heconvincedhertocometothebridalshower.Shetoldmymom,andmymomtoldme….”
Iwassilent.Hedidthatforme?
“Ididn’ttellyou,becauseIdidn’twantittogetyouallmixedupagain.BecauseyouloveJere,right?Youwanttomarryhim?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Areyousure?Becauseit’snottoolate,youknow.Youcouldstillcallthewholethingoff—youdon’thavetodothisthisweekend.Youcouldtakesomemoretime….”
“Idon’tneedmoretime,”Isaid.
“Okay.”
Irolledover.“Goodnight,Tay.”
“Goodnight.”
Ittookawhilebeforeherbreathingturnedheavyandregular,andIjustlaytherenexttoher,thinking.
Conradwasstilllookingoutforme.Silently,Igotoutofbed,crossedtheroom,andfeltmywayaroundmybureauuntilIfoundit.Myglassunicorn.
chapterforty-five
WhenSusannahwoulddropusoffatthemallorthePuttPutt,shewouldputConradinchargeeverytime.She’dsay,“Takecareofthem,Connie.I’mcountingonyou.”
Therewasthistimewesplitupatthemall,becausetheboyswantedtogotothearcadeandIdidn’t.Iwaseight.IsaidI’dmeettheminthefoodcourtinonehour.Iwentstraighttotheglass-blowershop.Theboysneverwantedtogointheglass-blowershop,butIlovedit.I’dwanderfromcountertocounter.Iespeciallylikedlookingattheglassunicorns.Iwantedtobuyone,justalittleone,buttheyweretwelvedollars.Ionlyhadten.Icouldn’tstoplookingattheunicorn.I’dpickitupthenputitdownagainthenpickitupagain.BeforeIknewit,morethananhourhadpassed,almosttwo.IranbacktothefoodcourtasfastasIcould.Iworriedtheboyshadleftwithoutme.
WhenIshowedup,Conradwasn’tthere.JeremiahandStevenweresittingintheTacoBellsectioncountingtheirarcadetickets.“Wherehaveyoubeen?”Stevensaid,lookingannoyed.
Iignoredhim.“Where’sConrad?”IaskedJeremiah,panting.
“Hewentofflookingforyou,”Jeremiahsaid.ToSteven,hesaid,“Doyouwanttouseourticketstobuysomethingnoworsaveupatonfornexttime?”
“Let’swait,”Stevensaid.“Theguytoldmethey’regettingmoreprizesnextweek.”
WhenConradcamebackalittlewhilelatertofindmesittingwithJeremiahandStevenandeatinganicecreamcone,helookedsomad.“Wherewereyou?”heyelled.“Youweresupposedtobebackhereatthree!”
Icouldfeelalumpinmythroat,andIknewIwasabouttocry.“Attheglass-blowershop,”Iwhispered,myMooseTracksicecreamdrippinginmyhand.
“Ifsomethinghappenedtoyou,mymomwouldhavekilledme!I’mtheonesheleftincharge.”
“Therewasthisunicorn…”
“Forgetit.You’renotcominganywherewithusanymore.”
“No,Conrad!Comeon,”Icried,brushingmytearsawaywithmystickyhand.“I’msorry.”
Hefeltbadforyelling,Icouldtell.Hesatdownnexttomeandsaid,“Don’teverdothatagain,Belly.Fromnowon,westicktogether.Okay?”
“Okay,”Isaid,sniffling.
FormybirthdaythatAugust,Conradgavemeaglassunicorn.Notthesmallone,butthebigonethatcosttwentydollars.ItshornbrokeoffduringoneofJeremiahandSteven’swrestlingmatches,butIkeptit.Ikeptitrightontopofmybureau.HowcouldIhavethrownsuchagiftaway?
chapterforty-six
CONRAD
IvolunteeredtobetheDD.Bythetimeweleftthehouse,everyonewasalreadyprettysloppyfromthewineandbeer.
WetookthatkidTomorRedbirdorwhatever-his-name-is’scarbecauseitwasthebiggest.ItwaspracticallyaHummer.Jeresatinthepassengerseatnexttome,andtheotherguyssatintheback.
Tomreachedupbetweenusandturnedtheradioon.Hestartedtorapwiththemusic,offbeatandwronglyrics.Joshjoinedhim,andStevenopenedupthesunroofandstuckhisheadout.
WithasidelongglanceatJere,Isaid,“Theseareyourfriends?”
Helaughedandstartedrappingtoo.
Thebarwaspacked.Girlseverywhereinhighheelsandglossylipstick,withtheirhairshinyandstraight.Rightaway,Redbirdstartedtryingtodanceoneverygirlthatwalkedby.Shotdowneachandeverytime
Iwenttothebartogetthefirstround,andStevenfollowedme.Wewerewaitingtogetthebartender’sattentionwhenheclappedhishandonmyshoulderandsaid,“Sohowareyoudoingwiththiswholething?”
“What?Thewedding?”
“Yeah.”
Iturnedawayfromhim.“Itiswhatitis.”
“Doyouthinkit’samistake?”
Ididn’thavetoanswerhim,becausethebartenderfinallylookedourway.“FivedoubleshotsoftequilaandaNewcastle,”Isaid.
Stevensaid,“You’renotgoingtotakeashotwithus?”
“I’vegottotakecareofyounumskulls,remember?”
Wecarriedtheshotsbacktothetablewheretheotherguysweresitting.Allfiveguyspoundedthemback,andthenRedbirdgotupandstartedbeatinghischestandyellinglikeTarzan.Theguysbusteduplaughingandstartedegginghimontogotalktoacoupleofgirlsonthedancefloor.HeandStevenwentovertothem,andweallsatbackandwatched.StevenwashavingbetterluckthanRedbird.Heandthered-hairedgirlstarteddancing,andRedbirdcamebacktoourtable,dejected.
“I’llgetusanotherround,”Isaid.Ifigureditwasmydutyasbestmantogetthemallwasted.
Icamebackwithfivemoreshotsoftequila,andsinceStevenwasstilloutonthedancefloor,Jeredownedhisshot.
IwasnursingmybeerwhenIheardthatguyJoshsaytoJeremiah,“Dude,you’refinallygonnagettoclosewithBelly.”
Myheadsnappedup.JeremiahhadhisarmslungaroundJoshwhilehesang,“It’sanicedayforawhitewedding.”
Theyhadn’thadsexyet?
ThenIheardJoshsay,“Yo,you’re,like,avirginnowtoo.Youhaven’tgottenanysinceLacieinCabo.”
Cabo?JeremiahhadgonetoCabothispastspringbreak.WhenheandBellywereacouple.
Jeremiahstartedtosing,off-key,“Likeavirgin,touchedfortheveryfirsttime.”Thenhestoodup.“Igottapiss.”
Iwatchedhimstumbleofftothebathroom,andJoshsaid,“Fisher’saluckybastard.Lacieissmokin’.”
Tomelbowedhimandsaid,loudly,“Shit,rememberhowtheylockedusoutofthehotelroom?”Tome,hesaid,“Thisishilarious,man.Hilarious.Theylockedusout,andtheyweresointoit,theydidn’tevenhearusknocking.Wehadtosleepinthefriggin’hallwaythatnight.”
Laughing,Joshsaid,“Thatgirlwashellaloud,too.Oh,Jere-uhhh-mi-uhhh…”
Isawred.Underthetables,Iclenchedmyfists.Iwantedtohitsomething.FirstIwantedtohitthesetwoguys,andthenIwantedtogofindmybrotherandbeattheshitoutofhim.
Ijumpedupfromthetableandmademywayacrosstheclub,shoulderingandpushingmywaythroughthecrowduntilIgottothebathroom.
Ibangedonthedoor.
“Somebody’sinhere,”Jeremiahslurredfrominside.ThenIheardhimretchintothetoilet.
Istoodthereanotherfewseconds,andthenIwalkedaway,pastourtableandouttotheparkinglot.
chapterforty-seven
Anhourlater,theboyscameback,drunkasskunks.I’dseenJeredrunkbefore,butnotlikethis.Hewassowasted,theboyspracticallyhadtocarryhimupstairs.Hecouldbarelyopenhiseyes.“Belllllly,”hecalledout.“I’mgonnamarryyou,girl.”
Fromthebottomofthestaircase,Iyelledback,“Gotosleep!”
Conradwasn’twiththem.IaskedTom,“Where’sConrad?Ithoughthewasyourdesignateddriver.”
Tomwasswayingupstairs.“Idunno.Hewaswithus.”
Iwentouttothecar,thinkingmaybehe’dpassedoutinthebackseat.Buthewasn’tthere.Iwasstartingtogetworried,butjustthenIcaughtaglimpseofhimwaydownthebeach,sittinginthelifeguardstand.Itookoffmyshoesandmademywayovertohim.
“Comedown,”Icalledup.“Don’tfallasleepupthere.”
“Comeup,”hesaid.“Justforaminute.”
Ithoughtaboutitforasecond.Hedidn’tsounddrunk;hesoundedfine.Iclimbedupthesideofthechairandsatnexttohim.“Didyouguyshavefun?”Iaskedhim.
Hedidn’tanswerme.
Iwatchedthewaterlapalongtheshore.Therewasacrescentmoon.Isaid,“Iloveithereatnight.”
Andthen,suddenly,hesaid,“Ihavetotellyousomething.”
Somethinginhisvoicescaredme.“What?”
Lookingoutattheocean,hesaid,“JerecheatedonyouwhenhewasinCabo.”
Thatwasn’twhatIexpectedhimtosay.ItwasmaybethelastthingIexpectedhimtosay.Hisjawwasclenched,andhelookedangry.“Tonightattheclub,oneofhisdumbassfriendssaidsomething.”Hefinallylookedatme.“I’msorryyouhadtohearitfromme.Ithoughtyouhadarighttoknow.”
Ididn’tknowhowtoanswerhim.Ifinallysaid,“Ialreadyknewaboutit.”
Hisheadjerkedback.“Youknew?”
“Yeah.”
“Andyou’restillmarryinghim?”
Mycheeksfelthot.“Hemadeamistake,”Isaidsoftly.“Hehateshimselfforwhathedid.Iforgavehim.Everything’sfinenow.Everything’sreallygreat.”
Conrad’smouthcurledindisgust.“Areyoukiddingme?Hespentthenightinahotelroomwithsomegirlandyou’redefendinghim?”
“Whoareyoutojudgeus?It’snoneofyourbusiness.”
“Noneofmybusiness?Thatshitheadismybrother,andyou’re…”Hedidn’tfinishhissentence.Insteadhesaid,“Ineverthoughtyou’dbethekindofgirlwhowouldputupwiththatfromaguy.”
“Iputupwithalotworsefromyou.”Isaiditautomatically.Isaiditwithoutthinking.
Eyesflashing,hesaid,“Ineveroncecheatedonyou.Ineverevenlookedatanothergirlwhenweweretogether.”
Islidawayfromhimandstartedtoclimbdown.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutthisanymore.”Ididn’tknowwhyhewasbringinganyofthisupnow.Ijustwanteditalltogoaway.
“IthoughtIknewyou,”hesaid.
“Iguessyouthoughtwrong,”Isaid.ThenIjumpedtherestofthewaydown.
Iheardhimjumpdownbehindme,andIstartedtowalkaway.Icouldfeeltearscoming,andIdidn’twanthimtosee.
Conradranupbehindmeandgrabbedmyarm.Itriedtoturnmyheadawayfromhim,buthesaw,andhisfacechanged.Hefeltsorryforme.Thatonlymademefeelworse.“I’msorry,”hesaid.“Ishouldn’thavesaidanything.You’reright.It’snotmybusiness.”
Ispunawayfromhim.Ididn’tneedhispity.
Istartedwalkingintheoppositedirectionofthehouse.Ididn’tknowwhereIwasgoing,Ijustwantedtogetawayfromhim.
Hecalledout,“Istillloveyou.”
Ifroze.Andthenslowly,Iturnedaroundtolookathim.“Don’tsaythat.”
Hetookastepcloser.“Idon’tknowifI’llevergetyououtofmysystem,notcompletely.Ihave…thisfeeling.Thatyou’llalwaysbethere.Here.”Conradclawedathisheartandthendroppedhishand.
“It’sonlybecauseI’mmarryingJeremiah.”Ihatedthewaymyvoicesounded—shakyandsmall.Weak.“That’swhyyou’resayingallthisallofasudden.”
“It’snotallofasudden,”hesaid,hiseyeslockedonmine.“It’salways.”
“Itdoesn’tmatter.It’stoolate.”Iturnedawayfromhim.
“Wait,”hesaid.Hegrabbedmyarmagain.
“Letgoofme,”Isaid,andmyvoicewassocold,Iwouldn’thaverecognizedit.Itsurprisedhim,too.
Heflinched,andhishanddropped.“Justtellmeonething.Whygetmarriednow?”hesaid.“Whynotjustlivetogether?”
Ihadaskedmyselfthesamequestion.Istillhadn’tcomeupwithagoodanswer.
Istartedtowalkaway,buthefollowedme.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundme,overmyshoulders.
“Letgo.”Istruggled,butheheldon.
“Wait.Wait.”
Myheartwasracing.Whatifsomeonesawus?Whatifsomeoneheard?“Ifyoudon’tletgoofme,I’mgoingtoscream.”
“Hearmeout,justforaminute.Please.I’mbeggingyou.”Hesoundedstrangledandhoarse.
Iletoutabreath.InmyheadIstartedtocountbackward.Sixtysecondswasallhewouldgetfromme.Iwouldlethimtalkforsixtyseconds,andthenIwouldgoandnotlookback.Twoyearsago,thiswasallIwantedtohearfromhim.Butitwastoolatenow.
Quietly,hesaid,“Twoyearsago,Ifuckedup.Butnotinthewayyouthink.Thatnight—doyourememberthatnight?Thenightweweredrivingbackfromschoolanditwasrainingsohard,wehadtostopatthatmotel.Doyouremember?”
Irememberedthatnight.OfcourseIdid.
“Thatnight,Ididn’tsleepatall.Istayedup,thinkingaboutwhattodo.Whatwastherightthingtodo?BecauseIknewIlovedyou.ButIknewIshouldn’t.Ididn’thavetherighttoloveanybodythen.Aftermymomdied,Iwassopissedoff.Ihadthisangerinmeallthetime.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtoeruptanyminute.”
Hedrewhisbreathin.“Ididn’thaveitinmetoloveyouthewayyoudeserved.ButIknewwhodid.Jere.Helovedyou.IfIkeptyouwithme,Iwasgoingtohurtyousomehow.Iknewit.Icouldn’thaveit.SoIletyougo.”
I’dstoppedcountingbythen.Ijustconcentratedonbreathing.Inandout.
“Butthissummer…God,thissummer.Beingnearyouagain,talkingthewayweusedtotalk.Youlookingatmethewayyouusedto.”
Iclosedmyeyes.Itdidn’tmatterwhathesaidnow.ThatwaswhatItoldmyself.
“Iseeyouagain,andeverythingIplannedgoestoshit.It’simpossible….IloveJeremorethananybody.He’smybrother,myfamily.Ihatemyselffordoingthis.ButwhenIseeyoutwotogether,Ihatehimtoo.”Hisvoicebroke.“Don’tmarryhim.Don’tbewithhim.Bewithme.”
Hisshouldersshook.Hewascrying.Hearinghimbeglikethis,seeinghimexposedandvulnerable,itfeltlikemyheartwasbreaking.ThereweresomanythingsIwantedtosaytohim.ButIcouldn’t.WithConrad,onceIstarted,Icouldn’tstop.
Ibrokeawayfromhimroughly.“Conrad—”
Hegrabbedme.“Justtellme.Doyoustillfeelanythingforme?”
Ipushedhimaway.“No!Don’tyougetit?YouwillneverbewhatJereistome.He’smybestfriend.Helovesmenomatterwhat.Hedoesn’ttakeitawaywheneverhefeelslikeit.Nobodyhasevertreatedmethewayhedoes.Nobody.Leastofallyou.
“YouandI,”Isaid,andthenIstopped.Ihadtogetthisright.Ihadtomakeitsothatheletmegoforever.“YouandIwereneveranything.”
Hisfacewentslack.Isawthelightdieoutinhiseyes.Icouldn’tlookathimanymore.
Istartedwalkingagain,andthistimehedidn’tfollowme.Ididn’tlookback.Couldn’tlookback.IfIsawhisfaceagain,Imightnotbeabletoleave.
AsIwalked,Itoldmyself,Holdit,holdit,justalittlelonger.OnlywhenIwassurehecouldn’tseeme,onlywhenthehousewasinsightagain,thatwaswhenIletmyselfcry.IdroppeddowninthesandandcriedforConradandthenforme.Icriedforwhatwasnevergoingtobe.
It’saknownfactthatinlife,youcan’thaveeverything.InmyheartIknewIlovedthemboth,asmuchasitispossibletolovetwopeopleatthesametime.ConradandIwerelinked,wewouldalwaysbelinked.Thatwasn’tsomethingIcoulddoawaywith.Iknewthatnow—thatlovewasn’tsomethingyoucoulderase,nomatterhowhardyoutried.
Igotup,Ibrushedthesandfrommybody,andIwentinsidethehouse.IclimbedintoJeremiah’sbed,nexttohim.Hewaspassedout,snoringloudlythewayhedidwhenhedranktoomuch.
“Iloveyou,”Isaidtohisback.
chapterforty-eight
Latethenextmorning,TaylorandAnikawentintotowntopickupsomelast-minutethings.Istayedbehindtocleanthebathrooms,sincetheparentswerearrivinglaterthatday.Theboyswereallstillasleep,whichwasagoodthing.Ididn’tknowwhatIwouldorwouldn’tsaytoJeremiah.Theworrywaseatingmeupinside.Woulditbeselfishorwoulditbemercifulnottosayanything?
IranintoConradonmywayoutoftheshower,andIcouldn’tevenlookhimintheeye.Iheardhiscarleavesoonafter.Ididn’tknowwherehe’dgone,butIhopedhe’dstayfarawayfromme.Itfelttooraw,toosoon.IfoundmyselfwishingthateitherheorIwasn’tthere.Icouldn’tleave—Iwastheonegettingmarried—butIwishedhewould.Itwouldmakethingseasier.Itwasaselfishthought,Iknew.ItwashalfConrad’shouse,afterall.
AfterI’dmadethebedsandstraighteneduptheguestbathroom,Iwentdowntothekitchentomakemyselfasandwich.IthoughtIwassafe,Ithoughthewasstillout.Buttherehewas,eatingasandwichhimself.
Assoonashesawme,Conradputdownhissandwich.Roastbeef,itlookedlike.“CanItalktoyouforasec?”
“I’mabouttogointotowntorunsomeerrands,”Isaid,lookingsomewhereinthevicinityofoverhisshoulder,anywherebutathim.“Weddingstuff.”
Istartedtowalkaway,buthefollowedmeouttotheporch.
“Listen,I’msorryaboutlastnight.”
Ididn’tsayanything.
“Willyoudomeafavor?WillyoujustforgeteverythingIsaid?”Heflashedaslight,ironickindofsmile.Iwantedtosmackthesmileoffhisface.“Iwasoutofmymindlastnight,drunkoffmyass.Beinghereagain,itjustbroughtbackalotofstuff.Butit’sallancienthistory,Iknowthat.Honestly,IcanbarelyrememberwhatIsaid,butI’msurethatwhateveritwas,itwasoutofline.I’mreallysorry.”
ForamomentIfeltsuchrage,IthinkIforgothowtospeak.Ifounditwashardtocatchmybreath.Ifeltlikeafloppinggoldfish,openingandclosingmymouth,suckinginpocketsofair.Ihadn’tevensleptthenightbefore;instead,I’dagonizedovereverywordhesaidtome.Ifeltsostupid.Andtothink,justforasecond,justforamoment,Ihadwavered.Ihadpicturedit,whatitwouldbelike,ifIwasmarryinghimandnotJeremiah.Ihatedhimforthat.
“Youweren’tdrunk,”Isaid.
“Yeah,Ireallywas.”Thistimehegavemeanapologeticsmile.
Iignoredit.“Youbroughtupallthattheweekendofmywedding,andnowyouwantmetojust‘forgetit’?You’resick.Don’tyougetthatyoucan’tplaywithpeoplelikethat?”
Conrad’ssmilefaded.“Holdonasecond.Belly—”
“Don’tsaymyname.”Ibackedawayfromhim.“Don’teventhinkit.Infact,don’teverspeaktomeagain.”
Againwiththeironichalfsmile,hesaid,“Well,thatwouldbekindofhard,consideringthefactthatyou’remarryingmybrother.Comeon,Belly.”
Ididn’tthinkIcouldbeangrier,andnowIwas.Iwassomad,IpracticallyspatasIsaid,“Iwantyoutoleave.Makeuponeofyourbullshitexcusesandjustgo.GobacktoBostonorCalifornia.Idon’tcarewhere.Ijustwantyougone.”
Hiseyetwitched.“I’mnotleaving.”
“Go,”Isaid,shovinghim,hard.“Justgo.”
That’swhenIsawthefirstcracksinhisarmor.
Hisvoicecracking,hesaid,“Whatdidyouexpectmetosaytoyou,Belly?”
“Stopsayingmyname!”Iscreamed.
“Whatdoyouwantfromme?”heyelledback.“Ilaidmyselffuckingbarelastnight!Iputitalloutthere,andyoushutmedown.Rightfullyso.IgetthatIshouldn’thavesaidanyofthatstufftoyou.ButnowhereIamtryingtofindawaytocomeoutofthiswithjustalittlefragmentofpridesoIcanlookyouintheeyewhenthisisallover,andyouwon’tevenletmehavethat.Youbrokemyheartlastnight,allright?Isthatwhatyouwanttohear?”
Again,Iwasatalossforwords.AndthenIfoundthem.Isaid,“Youreallyareheartless.”
“No,Ithinkyoumightactuallybetheheartlessone,”hesaid.
HewasalreadywalkingawayasIcalledout,“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”Iwalkeduprightbehindandtwistedhisarmtowardmesowewerefacingeachother.“Tellmewhatyoumeantbythat.”
“Youknowwhatitmeans.”Conradjerkedawayfromme.“Istillloveyou.Ineverstopped.Ithinkyouknowit.Ithinkyou’veknownitallalong.”
Ipressedmylipstogether,shakingmyhead.“That’snottrue.”
“Don’tlie.”
Ishookmyheadagain.
“Haveityourway.ButI’mnotgoingtopretendforyouanymore.”Withthat,hewalkeddownthestepsandtohiscar.
Isankontothedeck.Myheartwaspoundingamilliontrilliontimesaminute.Ineverfeltmorealive.Anger,sadness,joy.Hemademefeelitall.Nooneelsehadthatkindofeffectonme.Noone.
SuddenlyIhadthisfeeling,thisabsolutecertainty,thatIwasnevergoingtobeabletolethimgo.Itwasassimpleandashardasthat.Ihadclungtohimlikeabarnaclealltheseyears,andnowIcouldn’tcutaway.Itwasmyownfault,really.Icouldn’tletgoofConrad,andIcouldn’twalkawayfromJeremiah.
Wheredidthatleaveme?
Iwasgettingmarriedtomorrow.
IfIdidit,ifIchoseConrad,Icouldnevergoback.IwouldnevercupthebackofJere’sneckinmyhandagain,feelitsdownysoftness.Likefeathers.Jerewouldneverlookatmethewayhedidnow.HelookedatmelikeIwashisgirl.WhichIwas,anditfeltlikeithadalwaysbeenthatway.Thatwouldallbelost.Over.Somethingsyoucan’ttakeback.HowwasIsupposedtosaygood-byetoallofthosethings?Icouldn’t.Andwhataboutourfamilies?Whatwoulditdotomymother,hisfather?Itwoulddestroyus.Icouldn’tdothat.Especially—especiallywitheverythingsofragilenowthatSusannahwasgone.Wewerestillfiguringouthowtoallbetogetherwithouther,howtostillbethatsummerfamily.
Icouldn’tgiveallthatup,justforthis.JustforConrad.Conrad,whotoldmehelovedme.Atlast,hesaidthewords.
WhenConradFishertoldagirlhelovedher,hemeantit.Agirlcouldbelieveinthat.Agirlcouldmaybeevenbetherwholelifeonit.
ThatwaswhatIwouldbedoing.Iwouldbebettingmywholelifeonhim.AndIcouldn’tdoit.Iwouldn’t.
chapterforty-nine
CONRAD
Iwasinmycar,drivingaway,myadrenalinepumpinghard.
Ifinallysaidit.Theactualwords,outloud,toherface.Itwasarelief,notcarryingitaroundanymore,anditwasarush,actuallytellingher.Iwasinanelatedsortofdaze,onahigh.Shelovedme.Ididn’tneedtohearhersayitoutloud,Iknewitinnatelyinthewayshelookedatmejustthen.
Butnowwhat?IfshelovedmeandIlovedher,whatdidwedonow,whenthereweresomanypeopleinbetweenus?HowcouldIevergettoher?DidIhaveitinmetojustgrabherhandandrunaway?Ibelievedshe’dcomewithme.IfIaskedher,Ibelievedshereallymightcome.Butwherewouldweevengo?Wouldtheyforgiveus?Jere,Laurel,mydad.AndifIreallydidtakeheraway,wherewouldIbeleadingher?
Beyondthat,thequestionsandthedoubts,inthepitofmystomach,therewasallthisregret.IfIhadtoldherayearago,amonthago,evenaweekago,wouldthingsbedifferentnow?Itwasthedaybeforeherwedding.Intwenty-fourhours,shewouldbemarriedtomybrother.WhydidIwaitsolong?
Idrovearoundforawhile,intotownandthenalongthewater,thenIwentbacktothehouse.Noneofthecarswereparkedinthedriveway,soIthoughtIwashomefreeforawhile—butthentherewasTaylorsittingonthefrontporch.
“Whereiseverybody?”Iaskedher.
“Wellhellotoyou,too.”Shepushedhersunglassestothetopofherhead.“Theywentsailing.”
“Whydidn’tyougowiththem?”
“Igetseasick.”Tayloreyedme.“Ineedtotalktoyou.”
Warily,Ieyedherback.“Aboutwhat?”
Shepointedatthechairnexttohers.“Comesitdownfirst.”
Isat.
“WhatdidyousaytoBellylastnight?”
Avertingmyeyes,Isaid,“Whatdidshetellyou?”
“Nothing.ButIcantellsomething’swrong.Iknowshewascryinglastnight.Hereyeswerecompletelyswollenthismorning.Iwouldbewillingtobetmoneythatshewascryingbecauseofyou.Again.Niceone,Conrad.”
Icouldfeelmychesttighten.“It’snoneofyourbusiness.”
Taylorglaredatme.“Bellyismyoldestfriendintheworld.Ofcourseit’smybusiness.I’mwarningyou,Conrad.Leaveheralone.You’reconfusingher.Again.”
Istartedtostandup.“Arewedone?”
“No.Sityourassbackdown.”
Isatdownagain.
“Doyouhaveanyideahowbadlyyou’vehurther,overandoveragain?Youtreatherlikeatoythatyoujustpickupandplaywithwheneveryoufeellikeit.You’relikealittleboy.Someoneelsetookwhatwasyours,andyoudon’tlikethatonebit,soyouswoopinandshitallovereverythingjustbecauseyoucan.”
Iexhaled.“That’snotwhatI’mtryingtodo.”
Shebitherlip.“Bellytoldmethatapartofherwillalwaysloveyou.Areyoustilltryingtotellmeyoudon’tcare?”
Shesaidthat?“IneversaidIdidn’tcare.”
“You’reprobablytheonlyonewhocouldstopherfromgoingthoughwiththiswedding.Butyou’dbetterbedamnsureyoustillwanther,becauseifyoudon’t,you’rejusteffinguptheirlivesfornoreason.”Sheputhersunglassesbackon.“Don’teffupmybestfriend’slife,Conrad.Don’tbeaselfishbastardlikeusual.Bethegoodguyshesaysyouare.Lethergo.”
Bethegoodguyshesaysyouare.
IthoughtIcoulddoit,fightforhertilltheend,notthinkaboutanyoneelse.Justgrabherhandandrun.ButifIdidthat,wouldn’tIbeprovingBellywrong?Iwasn’tagoodguy.IwouldbeaselfishbastardjustlikeTaylorsaid.ButIwouldhaveBellynexttome.
chapterfifty
Thatnight,weallhaddinneratanewishrestaurantintown—myparents,Mr.Fisher,allofuskids.Iwasn’thungry,butIorderedalobsterrollandIateeverybiteofit,becausemydadwaspaying.Heinsisted.Mydad,whoworethesamewhitedressshirtwithgraystripesforevery“fancy”occasion.Hewaswearingitthatnight,sittingnexttomymotherinhernavyshirtdress,andmyheartjustswelledwithloveeverytimeIlookedatthetwoofthem.
AndtherewasTaylor,pretendingtobeinterestedasmydadwentonaboutalobster’snervoussystem.SittingnexttoAnika,whoactuallydidlookinterested.NexttoAnikawasmybrother,whowasrollinghiseyes.
Conradsatatthefarendofthetable,withJere’sfriends.Imadeaconsciouseffortnottolookinhisdirection,tojustkeepfocusedonmyplate,onJeremiahnexttome.Ididn’thavetobother,becauseConradwasn’tlookingatmeeither.Hewastalkingtotheguys,toSteven,tomymother.Toeveryonebutme.Thisiswhatyouwanted,Iremindedmyself.Youtoldhimtoleaveyoualone.Youaskedforthis.
Youcan’thaveitbothways.
“Areyouokay?”Jeremiahwhispered.
Iliftedmyheadandsmiledathim.“Yeah!Ofcourse.I’mjustfull.”
Jeremiahtookoneofmyfriesandsaid,“Saveroomfordessert.”
Inodded.Thenheleanedoverandkissedme,andIkissedhimback.After,Isawhiseyesflickerovertotheendofthetable,soquickIcouldhaveimaginedit.
chapterfifty-one
CONRAD
IfeltlikeIwasgoingoutofmymindthatnight.Sittingthereatthetablewitheveryone,cheersingwhenmydadmadeatoast,tryingnottowatchwhenJerekissedherinfrontofallofus.
Afterdinnerwasover,JereandBellyandalltheirfriendswenttotheboardwalkforicecream.MydadandBelly’sdadwenttotheirhotel.ItwasjustLaurandmebackatthehouse.Iwasonmywayuptomyroom,butLaurelstoppedmeandsaid,“Hey,let’shaveabeer,Connie.Ithinkwedeserveit,don’tyou?”
Wesatatthekitchentablewithourbeers.Sheclinkedmybottleandsaid,“To…whatshouldwetoastto?”
“Whatelse?Tothehappycouple.”
Withoutlookingatme,Laurelsaid,“Howareyoudoing?”
“Good,”Isaid.“Great.”
“Comeon.ThisisyourLaurayou’retalkingto.Tellme.Howareyoufeeling?”
“Honestly?”Iswiggedmybeer.“It’sprettymuchkillingme.”
Laurellookedbackatme,herfacetender.“I’msorry.Iknowyouloveheralot,kid.Thismustbereallyhardonyou.”
Icouldfeelmythroatstartingtocloseup.Itriedtoclearit,unsuccessfully.Icouldfeelitcomingupinmychest,behindmyeyes.Iwasgoingtocryinfrontofher.Itwasthewayshesaidit,itwaslikemymomwasrightthere,knowingwithoutmehavingtotellher.
Laureltookmyhandandclaspeditinhers.Itriedtopullitaway,butsheheldontighter.“We’llgetthroughittomorrow,Ipromise.It’llbeyouandme,kid.”Squeezingmyhand,shesaid,“God,Imissyourmom.”
“Metoo.”
“Wereallyneedherrightnow,don’twe?”
Ibowedmyheadandstartedtocry.
chapterfifty-two
IwantedtosleepinJeremiah’sroomthatnight,butwhenIstartedtofollowhimupstairs,Taylorwaggedherfingeratme.“Uh-uh.It’sbadluck.”
SoI’dgonetomyroom,andhe’dgonetohis.
Itwastoohot.Icouldn’tsleep.I’dkickthecoversoffandflipmypillowovertocooloff,butitdidn’thelp.Ikeptlookingatthealarmclock.Oneo’clock,twoo’clock.
WhenIcouldn’tstanditanymore,Ithrewoffmysheetsandputonmybathingsuit.Ididn’tturnonanylights,Ijustfoundmywaydownstairsinthedarkness.Themoonlightwasenoughtoguideme.Everyoneelsewasasleep.
Imademywayoutside,downtothepool.Idovein,heldmybreathforaslongasIcould.Icouldalreadyfeelmybonesstarttorelax.WhenIcamebackupforair,Ifloatedonmybackandlookedupatthesky.Thestarswereout.Ilovedhowquietitwas,howstill.TheonlythingIcouldhearwastheoceanlappingagainstthesand.
TomorrowIwouldbecomeIsabelFisher.ItwaswhatIalwayswanted,mygirlhooddreamcometrueathousandtimesover.AndI’dwreckedit.Orrather,Iwasabouttowreckit.Ihadtotellthetruth.Icouldn’tmarryJeremiahtomorrowlikethis,notwithasecretthatbigbetweenus.
Iclimbedoutofthepool,putthetowelaroundme,andwentinsidethehouse,uptoJeremiah’sroom.Hewasasleep,butIshookhimawake.“Ineedtotalktoyou,”Isaid.Waterfrommyhairdrippedontohispillow,ontohisface.
Groggily,hesaid,“Isn’titbadluck?”
“Idon’tcare.”
Jeremiahsatup,wipinghischeeks.“What’sup?”
“Let’stalkoutside,”Isaid.
Wewentdowntotheporchandsatonaloungechair.
Withoutpreamble,Isaid,quietly,“LastnightConradtoldmehestillhasfeelingsforme.”
IcouldfeelJeremiah’sbodygorigidbesideme.Iwaitedforhimtospeak,andwhenhedidn’t,Iwenton.“OfcourseItoldhimIdidn’tfeelthesameway.Iwantedtotellyousooner,butthenIthoughtitwouldbeamistake,thatIshouldkeepittomyself—”
“I’mgoingtokillhim,”hesaid,andhearingthosewordscomingoutofhismouthshockedme.Hestoodup.
Itriedtopullhimbackdownnexttome,butheresisted.Ipleaded,“Jere,no.Don’t.Pleasejustsithereandtalktome.”
“Whyareyouprotectinghim?”
“I’m—I’mnot.I’mnot.”
Helookeddownatme.“Areyoumarryingmetoerasehim?”
“No,”Isaid,anditcameoutmorelikeagasp.“No.”
“Thethingis,Bells,Idon’tbelieveyou,”Jeremiahsaid,andhisvoicewasstrangelyflat.“Iseethewayyoulookathim.Idon’tthinkyou’veeverlookedatmelikethat.Notevenonce.”
Ijumpedupandgrabbedathishandsdesperately,buthepulledaway.IwasbreathinghardwhenIsaid,“That’snottrue,Jere.It’snottrueatall.WhatIfeelforhimisallmemories.That’sit.Ithasnothingtodowithus.Allthat’sinthepast.Can’twejustforgetthepastandmakeourownfuture?Justthetwoofus?”
Levelly,hesaid,“Isitthepast?IknowyousawhimoverChristmas.Iknowyouguysweretogetherhere.”
Iopenedmymouth,butnowordscameout.
“Saysomething.Goahead,trytodenyit.”
“Nothinghappenedbetweenus,Jere.Ipromiseyou.Ididn’tevenknowhewasgonnabehere.TheonlyreasonIdidn’ttellyouwas—”Whatwasit?Whydidn’tItellhim?Whycouldn’tIthinkofareason?“Ididn’twantyoutobeupsetovernothing.”
“Ifitwasnothing,youwouldhavetoldmeaboutit.Insteadyoukeptitasecret.Afterallthatstuffyousaidtomeabouttrust,youkeptthattoyourself.IfeltlikeshitforwhatIdidwithLacie,andyouandIweren’teventogetherwhenithappened.”
Ifeltsickinside.“Howlonghaveyouknown?”
“Doesitmatter?”hesnapped.
“Yes,tomeitdoes.”
Jeremiahstartedtobackawayfromme.“I’veknownsinceithappened.Conradmentionedhesawyou,hethoughtIalreadyknew.SoofcourseIhadtoplayitofflikeIdid.DoyouknowhowstupidIfelt?”
“Icanimagine,”Iwhispered.“Whydidn’tyousaysomething?”Wewerestandingonlyfiveorsixfeetawayfromeachother,butitfeltlikemiles.Itwashiseyes.Theyweresodistant.
“Iwaswaitingforyoutotellme.Andyouneverdid.”
“I’msorry.I’msosorry.Ishouldhavetoldyou.Iwaswrong.”Itwasstupid.Myheartwasbeatingsofast.“Iloveyou.We’regettingmarriedtomorrow.Meandyou,right?”
Whenhedidn’tanswerme,Iaskedagain.“Aren’twe?”
“I’vegottogetoutofhere,”hesaidatlast.“Ineedtothink.”
“CanIcomewithyou?”
Thistimetheanswercameswiftly,anditwasdevastating.“No,”hesaid.
Heleft,andIdidn’ttrytofollowhim.Ijustsankontothesteps.Icouldn’tfeelmylegs.Icouldn’tfeelmybody.Wasthishappening?Wasthisreal?Itdidn’tfeelreal.
chapterfifty-three
Somewhereoutside,agoldfinchwassinging.Ormaybeitwasasongsparrow.Mydadhadtriedtoteachmethedifferentkindsofbirdsongs,butIcouldn’tquiteremember.
Theskywasgray.Itwasn’trainingyet.Butanyminutenow,itwasgoingtopour.ItwaslikeanyothermorninginCousinsBeach.Exceptitwasn’t,becauseIwasgettingmarried.
IwasreasonablysureIwasgettingmarried.Theonlythingwas,IhadnoideawhereJeremiahhadgoneorifhewasevencomingback.
Iwassittingatthevanitymirrorinmypinkbathrobe,tryingtocurlmyhair.Taylorwasatthebeautysalon,andshe’dtriedtopersuademetogetminedonetheretoo,butI’dsaidno.TheonlytimeIevergotmyhairdone,Ihatedthewayitlooked.Likeabeautypageantcontestant,stiffandhigh.Ididn’tlooklikeme.Ithoughtthattodayofalldays,Ishouldlooklikeme.
Therewasaknockatthedoor.
“Comein,”Isaid,tryingtofixacurlthathadalreadygonelimp.
Thedooropened.Itwasmymother.Shewasalreadydressed.Shewaswearingasuitjacketandlinenpantsandwascarryingalemonyellowenvelope.Irecognizeditrightaway:Susannah’spersonalstationery.Itwassolikeher.IwishedIwasworthyofit.IthurttothinkthatIhadletherdownlikethis.Whatwouldshesayifsheknew?
Mymotherclosedthedoorbehindher.“Doyouwantmetohelp?”sheasked.
Ihandedherthecurlingiron.Shesetdowntheletteronmydresser.Shestoodbehindme,sectioningmyhairoffintothirds.“DidTaylordoyourmakeup?Itlooksnice.”
“Yeah,shedid.Thanks.Youlookreallynicetoo.”
“I’mnotreadyforthis,”shesaid.
Ilookedatherinthemirror,windingmyhairaroundthebarrel,herheaddown.Mymotherwasbeautifultomeinthatmoment.
Sheputherhandsonmyshouldersandlookedatmeinthemirror.“Thisisn’twhatIwantedforyou.ButI’mhere.Thisisyourweddingday.Myonlydaughter.”
Ireachedovermyshoulderandtookherhand.Shesqueezedmyhandtight,sotightithurt.Iwantedtoconfideinher,toconfessthatthingswereamess,thatIdidn’tevenknowwhereJeremiahwasorifIwouldbegettingmarriedafterall.Butithadtakenhersolongtogethere,andifIraisedonesingledoubtnow,thatwouldbemorethanenoughforhertoputanendtoit.Shewouldthrowmeoverhershoulderandcarrymeawayfromthiswholewedding.
Soallthatcameoutwas,“Thankyou,Mommy.”
“You’rewelcome,”shesaid.Shelookedovertowardmywindow.“Doyouthinktheweatherwillhold?”
“Idon’tknow.Ihopeso.”
“Well,ifworstcomestoworst,we’llmovetheweddinginside.Nobigshakes.”Thenshehandedmetheletter.“Susannahwantedyoutohavethisonyourweddingday.”
Mymotherkissedmeonthetopofmyheadandwalkedoutoftheroom.
Ipickeduptheletter,ranmyfingersalongmyname,writteninSusannah’ssmoothcursive.ThenIputitbackdownonthedresser.Notyet.
Therewasaknockatthedoor.“Whoisit?”Iasked.
“Steven.”
“Comein.”
Thedooropened,andStevencamein,closingitbehindhim.Hewaswearingthewhitelinenshirtandkhakishortsallthegroomsmenwerewearing.“Hey,”hesaid,sittingdownonmybed.“Yourhairlooksnice.”
“Isheback?”
Stevenhesitated.
“Justtellme,Steven.”
“No.He’snotback.Conradwentofftofindhim.HethinksheknowswhereJerewent.”
Iletoutabreath.Iwasrelieved,butatthesametime—whatwouldJeremiahdowhenhesawConrad?Whatifitonlymadethingsworse?
“He’sgoingtocallassoonashefindshim.”
Inodded,thenpickedupthecurlingironagain.Myfingerstrembled,andIhadtosteadymyhandsoIwouldn’tburnmycheek.
“DidyoutellMomanything?”Stevenasked.
“No.Ihaven’ttoldanybody.Sofarthere’snothingtotell.”Iwoundapieceofhairaroundthebarrel.“He’llbehere.Iknowhewill.”AndImostlybelievedit.
“Yeah,”Stevensaid.“Yeah,I’msureyou’reright.Doyouwantmetostaywithyou?”
Ishookmyhead.“Ineedtogetready.”
“Yousure?”
“Yeah.Justletmeknowassoonasyouhearsomething.”
Stevenstoodup.“Iwill.”Thenhecameoverandpattedmyshoulderawkwardly.“Everything’sgoingtoworkout,Belly.”
“Yup,Iknowitwill.Don’tworryaboutme.JustfindJere.”
Assoonashewasgone,Isetthecurlingirondownagain.Myhandwasshaking.IwouldprobablyburnmyselfifIdidn’tgiveitarest.Myhairwascurledenoughanyway.
Hewascomingback.Hewascomingback.Iknewhewas.
Andthen,becausetherewasnothinglefttodo,Iputonmyweddingdress.
Iwassittingatthewindow,watchingmydadstringChristmaslightsonthebackporch,whenTaylorburstintotheroom.
Herhairwasinanupdo,anditlookedtightaroundherforehead.Shewascarryingabrownpaperbagandanicecoffee.“Okay,so,Ibroughtlunch,Anika’shelpingyourmomsetthetablesup,andthisweatherisn’tdoingmyhairanyfavors,”Taylorannounced,allinonebreath.“AndIdon’tknowhowtotellyouthis,butI’mprettysureIfeltaraindroponthewayinside.”Thenshesaid,“Whyareyoualreadyinyourdress?There’sstillloadsoftimebeforethewedding.Takeitoff.It’sgoingtogetallwrinkly.”
WhenIdidn’tanswerher,sheasked,“What’swrong?”
“Jeremiahisn’there,”Isaid.
“Well,ofcourseheisn’there,dummy.It’sbadlucktoseethebridebeforetheceremony.”
“He’snotathome.Heleftlastnight,andhehasn’tcomeback.”Myvoicewassurprisinglycalm.“Itoldhimeverything.”
Hereyesbulged.“Whatdoyoumean,everything?”
“Theotherday,Conradtoldmehestillhasfeelingsforme.Andlastnight,ItoldJeremiah.”Iletoutabreaththatwasmorelikeagasp.Thesepastcoupleofdayshadfeltlikeweeks.Ididn’tevenknowwhenorhowitallhappened.Howthingsgotsoconfused.Itwasjumblingupinmymind,myheart.
“OhmyGod,”Taylorsaid,coveringhermouthwithherhands.Shesankdownontothebed.“Whatarewegoingtodo?”
“Conradwentlookingforhim.”Iwaslookingoutthewindowagain.Mydadwasfinishedwiththeporch,andhe’dmovedontothebushes.Icameawayfromthewindowandstartedunzippingmydress.
Startled,shesaid,“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Yousaidit’sgoingtowrinkle,remember?”Isteppedoutofthedress,anditslippedtothefloor,asilkywhitepuddle.AndthenIpickeditupandputitonahanger.
Taylorputmyrobeovermyshoulders,andthensheturnedmearoundandtiedthesashformelikeIwasalittlegirl.“It’sgoingtobeokay,Belly.”
Someoneknockedonthedoor,andbothoureyesflewovertoit.“It’sSteven,”mybrothersaid,openingit.Hecameinandshutthedoorbehindhim.“Conradgothimback.”
Isankontothefloorandletoutabiggustofair.“He’sback,”Irepeated.
Stevensaid,“He’sshowering,andthenhe’llbedressedandreadytogo.Gogetmarried,Imean.Notleaveagain.”
Taylorkneltdownnexttome.Perchedonherknees,shegrabbedmyhandandentwinedmyfingerswithhers.“Yourhandiscold,”shesaid,warmingitwithherotherhand.Thenshesaid,“Doyoustillwanttodothis?Youdon’thavetodothisifyoudon’twantto.”
Isqueezedmyeyesshut.Ihadbeensoscaredhewasn’tgoingtogocomeback.Nowthathewashere,allthefearandpanicwererisinguptothesurface.
StevensatnexttomeandTayloronthefloor.Heputhisarmaroundme,andhesaid,“Belly.Takethishoweveryouwanttotakeit,okay?Ihavefivewordsforyou.Areyouready?”
Iopenedmyeyesandnodded.
Verysolemnlyhesaid,“Gobigorgohome.”
“Whatthehelldoesthatevenmean,Steven?”Taylorsnapped.
Alaughescapedfromdeepdowninmychest.“Gobigorgohome?Gobigorgohome.”Iwaslaughingsohard,tearswererunningdownmycheeks.
Taylorjumpedup.“Yourmakeup!”
Shegrabbedtheboxoftissuesonthedresserandwipedmyfacedelicately.Iwasstilllaughing.“Snapoutofit,Conklin,”Taylorsaid,shootingaworriedlookatmybrother.Theflowerinherhairwasaskew.Shewasright:thehumiditywasn’tdoingherhairanyfavors.
Stevensaid,“Aw,she’sfine.She’sjusthavingalaugh.Right,Belly?”
“Gobigorgohome,”Irepeated,giggling.
“Ithinkshe’shystericalorsomething.ShouldIslapher?”Tayloraskedmybrother.
“No,I’lldoit,”hesaid,advancingtowardme.
Istoppedlaughing.Iwasn’thysterical.OrmaybeIwas,alittlebit.“I’mfine,youguys!Nobodygetstoslapme.Geez.”Istoodup.“Whattimeisit?”
Stevenpulledhiscellphoneoutofhispocket.“It’stwoo’clock.Westillhaveacoupleofhoursbeforepeoplegethere.”
Takingadeepbreath,Isaid,“Okay.Steven,willyougotellMomIthinkweshouldmovetheweddinginside?Ifwepushthecouchestotheside,wecanprobablyfitacoupleofthetablesinthelivingroom.”
“I’llgettheotherguysonit,”hesaid.
“Thanks,Stevie.AndTaylor,willyou—”
Hopefully,sheasked,“Stayandfixyourmakeup?”
“No.Iwasgoingtoaskifyoucouldgetouttoo.Ineedtothink.”
Exchanginglooks,thetwoofthemshuffledoutofmyroom,andIshutthedoorbehindthem.
AssoonasIsawhim,everythingwouldmakesenseagain.Ithadto.
chapterfifty-four
CONRAD
IwokeupthatmorningtoStevenshakingmybed.“HaveyouseenJere?”hedemanded.
“Iwasasleepuntilthreesecondsago,”Imuttered,myeyesstillclosed.“HowcouldIhaveseenhim?”
Stevenstoppedshakingthebedandsatdownontheedge.“He’sgone,man.Ican’tfindhimanywhere,andhelefthisphone.Whatthehellhappenedlastnight?”
Isatup.Bellymusthavetoldhim.Shit.“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,rubbingmyeyes.
“Whatarewegonnado?”
Thiswasallmyfault.
Igotoutofbedandsaid,“Goaheadandgetdressed.I’lllookforhim.Don’ttellBellyanything.”
Lookingrelieved,hesaid,“Soundsgood.Butshouldn’tBellyknow?Wedon’thaveatonoftimebeforethewedding.Idon’twanthertogetreadyandeverythingifhe’snotcoming.”
“IfI’mnotbackinanhour,youcantellherthen.”IthrewoffmyT-shirtandputonthewhitelinenshirtJerehadmadeusallbuy.
“Whereareyougonnago?”Stevenaskedme.“MaybeIshouldgowithyou.”
“No,youstayhereandtakecareofher.I’llfindhim.”
“Soyouknowwhereheis,then?”
“Yeah,Ithinkso,”Isaid.Ididn’thaveacluewherethatbastardwas.IjustknewIhadtofixthis.
Onmywayout,Laurelstoppedmeandsaid,“HaveyouseenJere?Ineedtogivehimsomething.”
“Hewentouttogetsomethingforthewedding,”Isaid.“I’mgoingtomeethimnow.I’llgiveittohim.”
Shehandedmeanenvelope.Irecognizedthepaperrightaway.Itwasmymom’sstationery.Jere’snamewaswrittenonthefrontinherhandwriting.Smiling,Laurelsaid,“Youknow,Ithinkitmightbenicerthisway,comingfromyou.Beckwouldlikethat,don’tyouthink?”
Inodded.“Yeah,Ithinkshewould.”TherewasnowayIwascomingbackwithoutJere.
AssoonasIwasoutside,Isprintedtomycarandjustgunneditoutofthere.
Iwenttotheboardwalkfirst,thentheskateparkweusedtohangoutataskids,thenthegym,thenadinerwe’dstopatonthewayintotown.He’dalwayslikedtheirstrawberrymilkshakes.Buthewasn’tthere.Idrovearoundthemallparkinglot.NocarandnoJere.Icouldn’tfindhimanywhere,andmyhourwasalmostup.Iwasscrewed.StevenwasgoingtotellBelly,andthenthiswouldbejustonemore,epictimeImessedupherlife.WhatifJerehadleftCousinscompletely?HecouldbebackinBostonforallIknew.
ItwouldhavebeengreatifIhadsomesuddenepiphany,someinsightintowherehewas,seeingashowwewerebrothers.ButallIcoulddowasrundownthelist,everyplaceweeverwent.WherewouldJeremiahgoifhewasupset?He’dgotomymom.Buthergravewasn’there,itwasinBoston.
InCousinsshewaseverywhere.Thenitcametome—thegarden.MaybeJerehadgonetothegardenattheshelter.Itwasworthashot.IcalledStevenonthewayover.“IthinkIknowwhereheis.Don’ttellBellyanythingyet.”
“Allright.ButifIdon’thearfromyouinhalfanhour,I’mtellingher.Eitherway,I’mkickinghisassforthis.”
WehungupasIpulledintothewomen’sshelterparkinglot.Isawhiscarrightaway.Ifeltamixtureofprofoundreliefanddread.WhatrightdidIhavetosayanythingtohim?Iwastheonewhowasresponsibleforthismess.
Jerewassittingonabenchbythegarden,hisheadinhishands.Hewasstillinlastnight’sclothes.Hisheadsnappedupwhenheheardmecoming.“I’mwarningyou,man.Don’tcomenearmerightnow.”
Ikeptwalking.WhenIwasstandingrightinfrontofhim,Isaid,“Comebacktothehousewithme.”
Hegloweredatme.“Fuckyou.”
“You’resupposedtobegettingmarriedinacoupleofhours.Wedon’thavetimetodothisrightnow.Justhitme.It’llmakeyoufeelbetter.”Itriedtopickuphisarm,andheshovedmeoff.
“No,it’llmakeyoufeelbetter.Youdon’tdeservetofeelbetter.Butaftertheshadyshityoupulled,Ishouldbeatthecrapoutofyou.”
“Thendoit,”Isaid.“Andthenlet’sgo.Belly’swaitingforyou.Don’tmakeherwaitonherweddingday.”
“Shutup!”heyelled,lungingatme.“Youdon’tgettotalktomeabouther.”
“Comeon,man.Please.I’mbeggingyou.”
“Why?Becauseyoustillloveher,right?”Hedidn’twaitformetoanswer.“WhatIwanttoknowis,ifyoustillhadfeelingsforher,whydidyougivemethego-ahead,huh?Ididtherightthing.Ididn’tgobehindyourback.Iaskedyou,straightup.Youtoldmeyouwereoverher.”
“Youweren’texactlyaskingformypermissionwhenIwalkedinonyoukissingherinyourcar.Yeah,Istillgaveyouthego-ahead,becauseItrustedyoutotakecareofherandtreatherright.ThenyougoandcheatonherinCaboduringspringbreak.SomaybeIshouldbetheoneaskingifyouloveherornot.”AssoonasIgotthelastwordout,Jere’sfistwasconnectingwithmyface,hard.Itwaslikegettinghitwithaten-footwave—allIcouldhearwastheringinginmyears.Istaggeredbackward.“Good.”Igasped.“Canwegetoutofherenow?”
Hepunchedmeagain.ThistimeIfelltotheground.
“Shutup!”heyelled.“Don’ttalktomeaboutwholovesBellymore.I’vealwayslovedher.Notyou.Youtreatedherlikegarbage.Youlefthersomanytimes,man.You’reacoward.Evennow,youcan’tadmitittomyface.”
Breathinghard,Ispatoutamouthfulofbloodandsaid,“Fine.Iloveher.Iadmitit.Sometimes—sometimesIthinkshe’stheonlygirlIcouldeverbewith.ButJere,shepickedyou.You’retheoneshewantstomarry.Notme.”Ipulledtheenvelopeoutofmypocket,stumbledup,andpusheditathischest.“Readthis.It’sforyou,fromMom.Foryourweddingday.”
Swallowing,hetoretheenvelopeopen.Iwatchedhimasheread,hoping,knowing,mymomwouldhavetherightwords.ShealwaysknewwhattosaytoJeremiah.
Jerestartedtocryasheread,andIturnedmyheadaway.
“I’mgoingback,”hefinallysaid.“Butnotwithyou.You’renotmybrotheranymore.You’redeadtome.Idon’twantyouatmywedding.Idon’twantyouinmylife.Iwantyougone.”
“Jere—”
“Ihopeyousaideverythingyouneededtosaytoher.Becauseafterthis,you’reneverseeingheragain.Orme.It’sover.YouandIaredone.”Hehandedmetheletter.“Thisisyours,notmine.”
Thenheleft.
Isatonthebenchandopenedthepaperup.Itsaid,DearConrad.
AndthenIstartedtocrytoo.
chapterfifty-five
Outsidemywindow,fardownthebeach,Icouldseeagroupoflittlekidswithplasticpailsandshovels,diggingforsandcrabs.
JereandIusedtodothat.Therewasthisonetime,IthinkIwaseight,whichmeantJeremiahmusthavebeennine.We’dsearchedforsandcrabsallafternoon,andevenwhenConradandStevencamelookingforhim,hedidn’tleave.Theysaid,“We’regoingtorideourbikesintotownandrentavideogame,andifyoudon’tcomewithus,youcan’tplaytonight.”
“Youcangoifyouwant,”I’dsaid,feelingwretchedbecauseIknewhe’dchoosetogo.Whowouldchoosesandyoldsandcrabsoveranewvideogame?
Hehesitated,andthensaid,“Idon’tcare.”Andthenhestayed.
Ifeltguiltybutalsotriumphant,becauseJeremiahhadchosenme.Iwasworthyofbeingchosenoversomeoneelse.
Weplayedoutsideuntilitgotdark.Wecollectedoursandcrabsinaplasticcup,andthenwesetthemfree.Wewatchedthemwrigglebackintothesand.Theyallseemedtoknowexactlywheretheyweregoing.Somecleardestinationinmind.Home.
Thatnight,ConradandStevenplayedtheirnewgame.Jeremiahwatchedthem.Hedidn’taskifhecouldplay,andIcouldseehowmuchhewantedto.
Inmymemoryhewouldalwaysbegolden.
Someoneknockedonthedoor.“Taylor,Ineedaminutebymyself,”Isaid,turningaround.
Itwasn’tTaylor.ItwasConrad.Helookedworndown,exhausted.Hiswhitelinenshirtwaswrinkled.Sowerehisshorts.WhenIlookedcloser,Isawthathiseyeswerebloodshot,andIcouldseeabruiseformingonhischeek.
Iranovertohim.“Whathappened?Didyouguysgetintoafight?”
Heshookhishead.
“Youshouldn’tbeinhere,”Isaid,backingaway.“Jeremiah’scomingupanyminute.”
“Iknow,Ijustneedtosaysomethingtoyou.”
Imovedbacktothewindow,turningmybackonhim.“You’vesaidplenty.Justgo.”
Iheardhimturnthedoorknob,andthenIheardhimclosethedooragain.Ithoughthe’dgone,untilIheardhimsay,“Doyourememberinfinity?”
Slowly,Iturnedaround.“Whataboutit?”
Tossingsomethingtowardme,hesaid,“Catch.”
Ireachedoutandcaughtitintheair.Asilvernecklace.Ihelditupandexaminedit.Theinfinitynecklace.Itdidn’tshinethewayitusedto;itlookedabitcopperynow.ButIrecognizedit.OfcourseIrecognizedit.
“Whatisthis?”Iasked.
“Youknowwhatitis,”hesaid.
Ishrugged.“Nope,sorry.”
Icouldseethathewasbothhurtandangry.“Okay,then.Youdon’trememberit.I’llremindyou.Iboughtyouthatnecklaceforyourbirthday.”
Mybirthday.
Ithadtohavebeenformysixteenthbirthday.Itwastheonlyyearheeverforgottobuymeabirthdaypresent—thelastsummerwe’dallbeentogetheratthebeachhouse,whenSusannahwasstillalive.Thenextyear,whenConradtookoffandJeremiahandIwentlookingforhim,Ifounditinhisdesk.AndItookit,becauseIknewitwasmine.Hetookitbacklater.Ineverknewwhenhehadboughtitorwhy,Ijustknewitwasmine.Hearinghimsayitnow,thatitwasmybirthdaypresent,touchedmeinthelastplaceIwantedhimtotouchme.Myheart.
Itookhishandandputthenecklaceinhispalm.“I’msorry.”
Conradheldthenecklaceouttome.Softly,hesaid,“Itbelongstoyou,alwayshas.Iwastooafraidtogiveittoyouthen.Consideritanearlybirthdaygift.Orabelatedone.Youcandowhateveryouwantwithit.Ijust—can’tkeepitanymore.”
Iwasnodding.Itookthenecklacefromhim.
“I’msorryforscrewingeverythingup.Ihurtyouagain,andforthatI’msorry.I’msosorry.Idon’twanttodothatanymore.So…I’mnotgoingtostayforthewedding.I’mjustgoingtotakeoffnow.Iwon’tseeyouagain,notforalongtime.Probablyforthebest.Beingnearyoulikethis,ithurts.AndJere”—Conradclearedhisthroatandsteppedbackward,makingspacebetweenus—“he’stheonewhoneedsyou.”
Ibitmyliptokeepfromcrying.
Hoarsely,hesaid,“Ineedyoutoknowthatnomatterwhathappens,itwasworthittome.Beingwithyou,lovingyou.Itwasallworthit.”Thenhesaid,“Iwishyouboththebest.Takegoodcareofeachother.”
Ihadtofighteveryinstinctinmenottoreachout,nottotouchthebruisethatwasbloomingonhisleftcheekbone.Conradwouldn’twantmeto.Iknewhimwellenoughtoknowthat.
Hecameupandkissedmeonmyforehead,andbeforehesteppedaway,Iclosedmyeyesandtriedhardtomemorizethismoment.Iwantedtorememberhimexactlyashewasrightthen,howhisarmslookedbrownagainsthiswhiteshirt,thewayhishairwascutalittletooshortinthefront.Eventhebruise,therebecauseofme.
Thenhewasgone.
Justforthatmoment,thethoughtthatImightneverseehimagain…itfeltworsethandeath.Iwantedtorunafterhim.Tellhimanything,everything.Justdon’tgo.Pleasejustnevergo.Pleasejustalwaysbenearme,soIcanatleastseeyou.
Becauseitfeltfinal.Ialwaysbelievedthatwewouldfindourwaybacktoeachothereverytime.Thatnomatterwhat,wewouldbeconnected—byourhistory,bythishouse.Butthistime,thislasttime,itfeltfinal.LikeIwouldneverseehimagain,orthatwhenIdid,itwouldbedifferent,therewouldbeamountainbetweenus.
Iknewitinmybones.Thatthistimewasit.Ihadfinallymademychoice,andsohadhe.Heletmego.Iwasrelieved,whichIexpected.WhatIdidn’texpectwastofeelsomuchgrief.
Byebye,Birdie.
chapterfifty-six
ItwasValentine’sDay.Iwassixteen,andhewaseighteen.ItfellonaThursdaythatyear,andConradhadclassesuntilsevenonThursdays,soIknewwewouldn’tbegoingonadateoranything.We’dtalkedabouthangingoutonSaturday,maybewatchingamovie,butneitherofusmentionedValentine’sDay.Hejustwasn’taflowersandcandyheartskindofguy.Nobigdeal.I’dneverbeenthatkindofgirleither,notlikeTaylorwas.
Atschoolthedramaclubdeliveredrosesduringfourthperiod.Peoplehadbeenbuyingthemallweekduringlunch.Youcouldhavethemsenttowhoeveryouwanted.Freshmanyear,neitherofushadboyfriends,andTaylorandIsecretlysenteachotherone.Thatyear,herboyfriend,Davis,sentheradozenpinkones,andheboughtheraredheadbandshe’dbeeneyeingatthemall.Sheworetheheadbandallday.
Iwasupinmyroomthatnight,doinghomework,whenIgotatextfromConrad.Itsaid,LOOKOUTYOURWINDOW.I’dgonetolook,thinkingtheremightbeameteorshowerthatnight.Conradkepttrackofthatkindofthing.
ButwhatIsawwasConrad,wavingatmefromaplaidblanketinmyfrontyard.Iclappedmyhandtomymouthandletoutashriek.Icouldn’tbelieveit.ThenIjammedmyfeetintomysneakers,putmypuffycoatovermyflannelpajamas,andrandownthestairssofastIalmosttripped.Imadearunningleapoffthefrontporchandintohisarms.
“Ican’tbelieveyou’rehere!”Icouldn’tstophugginghim.
“Icamerightafterclass.Surprised?”
“Sosurprised!Ididn’tthinkyouevenknewitwasValentine’sDay!”
Helaughed.“Comeon,”hesaid,leadingmebymyshouldersovertotheblanket.TherewasathermosandaboxofTwinkies.
“Liedown,”Conradsaid,stretchingouthislegsontheblanket.“It’safullmoon.”
SoIlaydownnexttohimandlookedupattheinkyblackskyandatthatshiningwhitemoon,andIshivered.NotbecauseIwascold,butbecauseIwashappy.
Hewrappedtheedgeoftheblanketaroundme.“Toocold?”heasked,lookingconcerned.
Ishookmyhead.
Conradunscrewedthethermosandpouredliquidintothelid.Hepassedittomeandsaid,“It’snotthathotanymore,butitmightstillhelp.”
Igotuponmyelbowsandsipped.Itwascocoa.Lukewarm.
“Isitcold?”Conradasked.
“No,it’sgood,”Isaid.
Thenwebothlaydownflatonourbacksandstaredupattheskytogether.Somanystars.Itwasfreezingcold,butIdidn’tcare.Conradtookmyhand,andheusedittopointoutconstellationsandconnectthedots.HetoldmethestoriesbehindOrion’sbeltandCassiopeia.Ididn’thavethehearttotellhimIalreadyknew;mydadhadtaughtmethoseconstellationswhenIwasakid.IjustlovedlisteningtoConradtalk.Hehadthesamewonderinhisvoice,thesamereverencehealwayshadwhenhetalkedaboutnatureandscience.
“Wannagobackin?”heasked,sometimelater.Hewarmedmyhandwithhis.
“I’mnotgoinginuntilweseeashootingstar,”Iansweredhim.
“Wemightnot,”hesaid.
Iwrigglednexttohimhappily.“It’sokayifwedon’t.Ijustwanttotry.”
Smiling,hesaid,“Didyouknowthatastronomerscalltheminterplanetarydust?”
“Interplanetarydust,”Irepeated,likingthefeelofthewordsonmytongue.“Soundslikeaband.”
Conradbreathedhotaironmyhand,andthenheputitinhiscoatpocket.“Yeah,itkindadoes.”
“Tonight,it’s—theskyislike—”Isearchedfortherightwordtoencapsulatehowitmademefeel,howbeautifulitwas.“Lyinghereandlookingupatthestarslikethis,itmakesmefeellikeI’mlyingonaplanet.It’ssowide.Soinfinite.”
“Iknewyou’dgetit,”hesaid.
Ismiled.Hisfacewasclosetomine,andIcouldfeeltheheatfromhisbody.IfIturnedmyhead,we’dbekissing.Ididn’t,though.Beingclosetohimwasenough.
“SometimesIthinkI’llnevertrustanothergirlthewayItrustyou,”hesaidthen.
Ilookedoverathim,surprised.Hewasn’tlookingatme,hewasstilllookingupatthesky,stillfocused.
Weneverdidseeashootingstar,butitdidn’tmattertomeonebit.Beforethenightwasover,Isaid,“Thisisoneofmytopmoments.”
Hesaid,“Minetoo.”
Wedidn’tknowwhatwasaheadofusthen.Wewerejusttwoteenagers,lookingupattheskyonacoldFebruarynight.Sono,hedidn’tgivemeflowersorcandy.Hegavemethemoonandthestars.Infinity.
chapterfifty-seven
Heknockedonthedooronce.“It’sme,”hesaid.
“Comein.”Iwassittingonthebed.Ihadchangedbackintomydress.Peoplewouldbearrivingsoon.
Jeremiahopenedthedoor.Hewasinhislinenshirtandkhakishorts.Hehadn’tshavedyet.Buthewasdressed,andhisfacewasunmarked,nobruises.Itookthatasagoodsign.
Hesatdownonthebednexttome.“Isn’titbadluckforustoseeeachotherbeforethewedding?”heasked.
Reliefwashedoverme.“Sothere’sgoingtobeawedding,then?”
“Well,I’malldressedupandsoareyou.”Hekissedmeonthecheek.“Youlookgreat,bytheway.”
“Wheredidyougo?”
Shifting,hesaid,“Ijustneededsometimetothink.I’mreadynow.”Leaningtowardme,hekissedmeagain,thistimeonthelips.
Idrewback.“What’sthematterwithyou?”
“Itoldyou,it’sallgood.We’regettingmarried,right?Youstillwanttogetmarried?”Hesaiditlightly,butIcouldhearanedgeinhisvoiceI’dneverheardbefore.
“Can’tweatleasttalkaboutwhathappened?”
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit,”Jeremiahsnapped.“Idon’tevenwanttothinkaboutitagain.”
“Well,Idowanttotalkaboutit.Ineedto.I’mfreakedout,Jere.Youjustleft.Ididn’tevenknowifyouwerecomingback.”
“I’mhere,aren’tI?I’malwayshereforyou.”Hetriedtokissmeagain,andthistimeIpushedhimoff.
Herubbedhisjawlineroughly.Thenhestoodupandstartedpacingaroundtheroom.“Iwantallofyou.Iwanteverypart.Butyou’restillholdingbackfromme.”
“Whatarewetalkingabouthere?”Iasked,myvoiceshrill.“Sex?”
“That’spartofit.Butit’smorethanthat.Idon’thaveyourwholeheart.Behonest.I’mright,aren’tI?”
“No!”
“Howdoyouthinkitmakesmefeel,knowingI’msecondchoice?Knowingitwasalwayssupposedtobeyoutwo?”
“You’renotmysecondchoice!You’refirst!”
Jeremiahshookhishead.“No,I’llneverbefirst.That’llalwaysbeCon.”Hehithispalmagainstthewall.“IthoughtIcoulddothis,butIcan’t.”
“Youcan’twhat?Youcan’tmarryme?”Mymindwasspinninglikeatop,andthenIstartedtalking,fast.“Okay,maybeyou’reright.It’salltoocrazyrightnow.Wewon’tgetmarriedtoday.We’lljustmoveintothatapartment.Gary’sapartment,theoneyouwanted.I’mfinewithit.Wecanmovesecondsemester.Okay?”
Hedidn’tsayanything,andsoIsaiditagain,thistimemorepanicked.“Okay,Jere?”
“Ican’t.Notunlessyoucanlookatmerightnow—lookmeintheeyesandtellmeyoudon’tstillloveCon.”
“Jere,Iloveyou.”
“That’snotwhatI’masking.Iknowyouloveme.WhatI’maskingis,doyoulovehimtoo?”
Iwantedtotellhimno.Iopenedmymouth.Whywouldn’tthewordscomeout?Whycouldn’tIsaywhatheneededtohear?Itwouldbesoeasytojustsayit.Onewordandthiswouldallgoaway.Hewantedtoforgiveandforgetitall.Icouldseeitinhisface:allheneededwasformetotellhimno.Hewouldstillmarryme.IfIwouldjustsaytheword.Oneword.
“Yes.”
Jereinhaledsharply.Westaredateachotherforalongmoment,andthenheinclinedhishead.
Isteppedtowardhimandfilledthespacebetweenus.“Ithink—IthinkI’llalwayslovehimalittlebit.I’llalwayshavehiminmyheart.Buthe’snottheoneIchoose.Ichooseyou,Jeremiah.”
Allmylife,IneverfeltlikeIhadachoicewhenitcametoConrad.NowIknewitwasn’ttrue.Ididhaveachoice.Ichosetowalkaway,thenandnow.IchoseJeremiah.Ichosetheboywhowouldneverwalkawayfromme.
Hisheadwasstillbowed.Iwilledhimtolookatme,tobelievemejustonemoretime.Thenheliftedhisheadandsaid,“That’snotenough.Idon’tjustwantapartofyou.Iwantallofyou.”
Myeyesfilled.
HewalkedovertomydresserandpickeduptheletterfromSusannah.“Youhaven’treadyoursyet.”
“Ididn’tevenknowifyouwerecomingback!”
Heranhisfingeralongtheedges,staringdownatit.“Igotonetoo.Butitwasn’tforme.ItwasCon’s.Mymommusthavemixeduptheenvelopes.Inthelettershesaid—shesaidsheonlyevergottoseehiminloveonce.Thatwaswithyou.”Helookedatmethen.“Iwon’tbethereasonyoudon’tgotohim.Iwon’tbeyourexcuse.You’vegottoseeforyourself,oryou’llneverbeabletolethimgo.”
“Ialreadyhave,”Iwhispered.
Jeremiahshookhishead.“No,youhaven’t.Theworstpartis,Iknewyouhadn’tandIstillaskedyoutomarryme.SoIguessI’mpartlytoblametoo,huh?”
“No.”
Heactedlikehedidn’thearme.“Hewillletyoudown,becausethat’swhathedoes.That’swhoheis.”
Fortherestofmylife,Iwasgoingtorememberthosewords.EverythingJeremiahsaidtomethatday,ourweddingday,Iwouldremember.IwouldrememberthewordsJeremiahsaidandthewayhelookedatmewhenhesaidthem.Withpity,andwithbitterness.Ihatedmyselfforbeingtheonewhomadehimbitter,becausethatwasonethinghe’dneverbeen.
Ireachedupandlaidmypalmonhischeek.Hecouldhavepushedmyhandaway,hecouldhaverecoiledatmytouch.Hedidn’t.JustthatonetinythingtoldmewhatIneededtoknow—thatJerewasstillJereandnothingcouldeverchangethat.
“Istillloveyou,”hesaid,andthewayhesaidit,IknewthatifIwantedhimto,hewouldstillmarryme.Evenaftereverythingthathadhappened.
Therearemomentsineverygirl’slifethatarebiggerthanweknowatthetime.Whenyoulookback,yousay,Thatwasoneofthoselife-changing,fork-in-the-roadmomentsandIdidn’tevenseeitcoming.Ihadnoidea.Andthentherearethemomentsthatyouknowarebig.Thatwhateveryoudonext,therewillbeanimpact.Yourlifecouldgoinoneoftwodirections.Doordie.
Thiswasoneofthosemoments.Big.Theydidn’tgetmuchbiggerthanthis.
Itendedupnotrainingthatday.Jeremiah’sfratbrothersandmyactualbrothermovedthetablesandchairsandhurricanevasesinfornothing.
Anotherthingthatdidn’thappenthatday:JeremiahandIdidn’tgetmarried.Itwouldn’thavebeenright.Notforeitherofus.SometimesIwonderedifwehadrushedintogettingmarriedbecausewewerebothtryingtoprovesomethingtotheotherandmaybeeventoourselves.ButthenIthinkno,wetrulydidloveeachother.Wetrulydidhavethebestofintentions.It,we,justweren’tmeanttobe.
acoupleofyearslater
DearestBelly,RightnowIampicturingyoutoday,onyourweddingday,lookingradiantandlovely,theprettiestbridethereeverwas.Ipictureyouaboutthirtyorso,awomanwho’shadlotsandlotsofadventuresandromances.Ipictureyoumarryingamanwhoissolidandsteadyandstrong,amanwithkindeyes.Iamsureyouryoungmaniscompletelywonderful,evenifhedoesn’thavethelastnameFisher!Ha.YouknowthatIcouldnotloveyoumoreifyouweremyowndaughter.MyBelly,myspecialgirl.Watchingyougrowupwasoneofthegreatjoysofmylife.Mygirlwhoachedandyearnedforsomanythings…akittenyoucouldnameMargaret,rainbowrollerskates,ediblebubblebath!AboywhowouldkissyouthewayRhettkissedScarlett.Ihopeyou’vefoundhim,darling.Behappy.Begoodtoeachother.Allofmylovealways,SusannahOh,Susannah.Ifyoucouldseeusnow.
Youwerewrongaboutacoupleofthings.I’mnotthirtyyet.I’mtwenty-three,almosttwenty-four.AfterJeremiahandIbrokeup,hewentbacktoliveinthefraternityhouse,andIendeduplivingwithAnikaafterall.Junioryear,Istudiedabroad.IwenttoSpain,whereIdidhavelotsandlotsofadventures.
SpainiswhereIgotmyfirstletterfromhim.Realletters,writtenbyhishand,note-mails.Ididn’twritehimback,notatfirst,buttheystillcame,onceamonth,everymonth.ThefirsttimeIsawhimagain,itwasanotheryear,atmycollegegraduation.AndIjustknew.
Myyoungmaniskindandgoodandstrong,justlikeyousaid.Buthedoesn’tkissmelikeRhettkissedScarlett.Hekissesmeevenbetter.Andthere’soneotherthingyouwererightabout.HedoeshavethelastnameFisher.
IamwearingthedressmymotherandIpickedouttogether—creamywhitewithlacecapsleevesandalowback.Myhair,myhairthatwespentanhourpinningup,isfallingoutofthesidebun,andlongwetstrandsofhairareflyingaroundmyfaceaswerunforthecarinthepouringrain.Balloonsareeverywhere.Myshoesareoff,Iambarefoot,holdinghisgraysuitjacketovermyhead.He’sgotonehigh-but-not-too-highheelineachhand.Herunsaheadofmeandopensthecardoor.
Wearejustmarried.
“Areyousure?”heasksme.
“No,”Isay,gettingin.Everyonewillbeexpectingusatthereceptionhall.Weshouldn’tkeepthemwaiting.Butthenagain,it’snotliketheycangetstartedwithoutus.Wehavetodancethefirstdance.“Stay,”byMauriceWilliamsandtheZodiacs.
Ilookoutthewindow,andthereisJereacrossthelawn.Hehashisarmaroundhisdate,andoureyesmeet.Hegivesmeasmallwave.Iwavebackandblowhimakiss.Hesmilesandturnsbacktohisdate.
Conradopensthecardoorandslidesintothedriver’sseat.Hiswhiteshirtissoakedthrough—Icanseehisskin.Heisshivering.Hegrabsmyhand,locksmyfingersintohis,andbringsittohislips.“Thenlet’sdoit.We’rebothwetalready.”
Heturnsontheignition,andthenwe’reoff.Weheadfortheocean.Weholdhandsthewholeway.Whenwegetthere,itisempty,soweparkrightonthesand.It’sstillrainingout.
Ijumpoutofthecar,hitchupmyskirt,andcallout,“Ready?”
Herollsuphispantlegs,andthenhegrabsmyhand.“Ready.”
Weruntowardthewater,trippinginthesand,screamingandlaughinglikelittlekids.Atthelastsecondhepicksmeuplikeheiscarryingmeacrossathreshold.“IfyoudaretryandBellyFlopmerightnow,you’regoingdownwithme,”Iwarn,myarmstightaroundhisneck.
“Igowhereveryougo,”hesays,launchingusintothewater.
Thisisourstart.Thisisthemomentitbecomesreal.Wearemarried.Weareinfinite.MeandConrad.ThefirstboyIeverslowdancedwith,evercriedover.Everloved.
TurnthepagetoreadthelettersConradsenttoBelly!
Evennow,alltheseyearslater,Istillreadthem—Conrad’sletterstomewhenIwasstudyingabroadinSpain.Justeveryonceinawhile,Ipullthemalloutandsitdownandreadeachone.Iknowthemallbyheart,buttheystilltouchme,theystillmakemefeelitalloveragain….Tothinkthatoncewewerebothveryyoung,andveryfarapart,andstillfindingourwaybacktoeachother.
DearBelly,Firstly—Idon’tevenknowifIshouldbewritingyou,ifthisisallowed.Ihopeit’sallowed.Ihopeyoudon’tthrowthisawaywithoutevenopeningthebox—becauseifyoudo,you’llmissoutonsomethingveryimportant.Okay,fine,somethingthatwasonceveryimportant.Toyou.Iwentovertoyourhousetofixyourmom’scomputer.IwentintoyourroomtousetheprinterandIsawJuniorMintsittingonthebookshelf,lookingincrediblypathetic.Rememberhim?Polarbear,wearsglassesandaverystylishscarf?Iwonhimforyouattheringtoss?Doyourememberhowyouusedtogoovertotheringtossandjuststareatthepolarbearsbecauseyouwantedonesobad?IprobablyspentthirtyorfortybuckstryingtowinyouthatdamnbearApparently,hemissesyouirrespectiveofthatfactthatyoulefthimbehind.Hefeelslostwithoutyou.I’mserious,that’swhathetoldme.Pathetic,right?Sohereheis.Benicetohim,willyou?
ConradDearBelly,Thisisweird,writingyoulikethis.IthinkthelasttimeIwrotesomeoneanactualletterwasathank-youcardtomygrandma.Forgraduationmoney,Ithink.Mymomwasbigonthank-youcards.Oh,bytheway,you’rewelcomeforJuniorMint.Laurtoldmeyousaidthanks.Geez,Iwashopingforathank-youcard,butIguesswecan’tallbeaspoliteasme.Haha.Ishouldbeworkingonbiochem,butI’dratherbetalkingtoyou.LaurelsaysyourSpanishisgettingbetter.ShetoldmeyougotlosttheotherdaytryingtohuntdownapackofSourPatchKids.SourPatchKids?Really?You’retoogrown-upforJuniorMintbutnotforSourPatchKids,huh?Here’sthebiggestbagIcouldfind.It’seconomysized.ThenexttimeIseeyou,I’msureyou’llbetoothless.Buthappy.Ireallydohopeyou’rehappy.
ConradDearBelly,SofarI’vewrittenyoutwolettersandyou’vewrittenme—well,none….Whichisfine.Goaheadandfeelfreenottowritemeback.Seriously,don’tfeelobligatedoranything.EventhoughI’vesentyoutwohandwrittenlettersandtwogifts….Butseriously,don’twriteback.I’mserious.It’sbetterthisway.Ilikehearingmynewssecondhand,fromLaur.Speakingofnews,shetoldmeyoumetsomeSpanishguynamedBenito,andheridesaroundonascooter.Really,Belly?AguynamedBenitowithascooter?Heprobablywearsleatherpantsandhasalongstringyponytail.Idon’tevenwanttoknow.Don’ttellme.Heprobablylookslikeamodelandweighs100poundsandwritesyoupoetryinSpanish.Idon’tknowwhatyouseeinaguylikethat,butIdon’tknowwhatyoueversawinmeeither,soIguessthere’snoaccountingfortaste,right?Don’tforget—don’twriteback.
ConradDearBelly,Youdidn’twriteback.Ithoughtforsureyouwould,youusedtobesobadatfollowingdirections,nowlookatyou….Kidding.ActuallyI’mnot—rememberthattimeyoutriedtomakeboxpotatoesaugratinandyouforgottoputinthecheese?Speakingofpotatoesaugratin,yourmommadesomeforThanksgiving.Laurelinvitedustodinner—mydadandJereandme.Iwasn’tsureifJerewouldcome,buthedid.Itwasawkwardashell.ButthenStevenputonfootballandwealljustsatandwatchedanditwasbetter.Duringthehalf,JereaskedifI’dheardfromyou,andIsaidno.Hesaidyou’dbeenchattingonline.Hesaidyoucutyourhairshorter,thatitmakesyoulookolder,moremature.ThenLaurshoweduspicturesofwhenshecametovisityou.Iwanttogotheresomeday.Iheardyouaren’thangingoutwiththatguyBenitoanymore.Don’tsayIdidn’twarnyou….Bytheway,itlooksgood.Yourhair.Idon’tthinkitmakesyoulookolder,though.Younger,ifanything.Imightaswellbecompletelyhonesthere,becausewhoevenknowsifyou’rereadingthis…youmighthavethrownitoutwithoutopeningit,whichisyourright.ButI’llgoaheadandsayit—itkilledmealittlethatJere’sseenyou,talkedtoyou.ButIdon’tthinkhehatesmeanymore,whichistheimportantthing.Also—incaseIhaven’tmadeitclear…Ithinkaboutyoualot.You’reprettymuchallIthinkabout.Justsowe’reclear.
ConradDearBelly,It’sChristmashere.Iguessit’sChristmaswhereyouaretoo.Iwenttothesummerhouseforafewdays.IkeptthinkingI’dturnaroundandseeyou—stuffingyourfacewithchocolatepretzels,orslidingaroundthedownstairslivingroominthosegod-awfulmistletoepajamapants.Ibetmymomboughtthemforyou.SheusedtobuyJereandmematchingChristmassweaters.There’sonehorriblefamilyportraitofallofusinredbutton-downsandreindeerbowties.It’sbasicallyablightonhumanity.Ihiditintheatticonenightandnoone’sseenitsince.Ifyou’vebeenaverygoodgirlthisyear,maybeI’llshowyouwhenyoucomeback.Mygifttoyou.Youknowwhatyoucouldgiveme?Aletterback.Hell,I’lleventakeapostcard.Orane-mail.Anything.Ijustwanttohearfromyou.Iwanttoknowhowyou’redoing.Bythetimeyougetthis,Christmaswillhavepassed—Ihopeitwasaniceone.MerryChristmas,Belly.Rememberlastyear?Meandyouatthesummerhouse?BestChristmasofmylife.Love,ConradDearConrad,WhenIcomehomenextspring,you’dbettershowmethatfamilyportrait.Don’tyoudaretrytogetoutofit.Oh,andI’llbetakingitwithme,sinceit’smygiftandall.Andyes.Idoremember.OfcourseIremember.ItwasmybestChristmas,too.Writebacksoon,BellyForyearshekeptitinhiswallet,softandcreasedintoamillionlittlefolds.Hesaiditkepthimgoing.Kepthimhoping.Hesaidhewantedtokeepitwithhimalways,butIsaidweshouldkeeptheletterstogether,wheretheybelong.Andhedidshowmethefamilyphoto.It’shangingupinourlivingroom.
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ToAlltheBoysI’veLovedBefore
by
JennyHan
Iliketosavethings.Notimportantthingslikewhalesorpeopleortheenvironment.Sillythings.Porcelainbells,thekindyougetatsouvenirshops.Cookiecuttersyou’llneveruse,becausewhoneedsacookieintheshapeofafoot?Ribbonsformyhair.Loveletters.OfallthethingsIsave,Iguessyoucouldsaymylovelettersaremymostprizedpossession.
Ikeepmylettersinatealhatboxmymomboughtmefromavintagestoredowntown.Theyaren’tlovelettersthatsomeoneelsewroteforme;Idon’thaveanyofthose.TheseareonesI’vewritten.There’soneforeveryboyI’veeverloved—fiveinall.
WhenIwrite,Iholdnothingback.Iwritelikehe’llneverreadit.Becauseheneverwill.Everysecretthought,everycarefulobservation,everythingI’vesavedupinsideme,Iputitallintheletter.WhenI’mdone,Isealit,Iaddressit,andthenIputitinmytealhatbox.
They’renotlovelettersinthestrictestsenseoftheword.MylettersareforwhenIdon’twanttobeinloveanymore.They’reforgood-bye.BecauseafterIwritemyletter,I’mnolongerconsumedbymyall-consuminglove.IcaneatmycerealandnotwonderifhelikesbananasoverhisCheeriostoo;Icansingalongtolovesongsandnotbesingingthemtohim.Ifloveislikeapossession,maybemylettersarelikemyexorcisms.Myletterssetmefree.Oratleastthey’resupposedto.
1
JOSHISMARGOT’SBOYFRIEND,BUTIGUESSyoucouldsaymywholefamilyisalittleinlovewithhim.It’shardtosaywhomostofall.BeforehewasMargot’sboyfriend,hewasjustJosh.Hewasalwaysthere.Isayalways,butIguessthat’snottrue.Hemovednextdoorfiveyearsagobutitfeelslikealways.
MydadlovesJoshbecausehe’saboyandmydadissurroundedbygirls.Imeanit:alldaylongheissurroundedbyfemales.Mydadisanob-gyn,andhealsohappenstobethefatherofthreedaughters,soit’slikegirls,girls,girlsallday.HealsolikesJoshbecauseJoshlikescomicsandhe’llgofishingwithhim.Mydadtriedtotakeusfishingonce,andIcriedwhenmyshoesgotmudonthem,andMargotcriedwhenherbookgotwet,andKittycriedbecauseKittywasstillpracticallyababy.
KittylovesJoshbecausehe’llplaycardswithherandnotgetbored.Oratleastpretendtonotgetbored.Theymakedealswitheachother—ifIwinthisnexthand,youhavetomakemeatoastedcrunchy-peanut-butter-sandwich,nocrusts.That’sKitty.Inevitablytherewon’tbecrunchypeanutbutterandJoshwillsaytoobad,picksomethingelse.ButthenKittywillwearhimdownandhe’llrunoutandbuysome,becausethat’sJosh.
IfIhadtosaywhyMargotloveshim,IthinkmaybeIwouldsayit’sbecausewealldo.
Weareinthelivingroom,Kittyispastingpicturesofdogstoagiantpieceofcardboard.There’spaperandscrapsallaroundher.Hummingtoherself,shesays,“WhenDaddyasksmewhatIwantforChristmas,Iamjustgoingtosay,‘Pickanyoneofthesebreedsandwe’llbegood.’”
MargotandJoshareonthecouch;I’mlyingonthefloor,watchingTV.Joshpoppedabigbowlofpopcorn,andIdevotemyselftoit,handfulsandhandfulsofit.
Acommercialcomesonforperfume:agirlisrunningaroundthestreetsofParisinanorchid-coloredhalterdressthatisthinastissuepaper.WhatIwouldn’tgivetobethatgirlinthattissue-paperdressrunningaroundParisinspringtime!IsitupsosuddenlyIchokeonakernelofpopcorn.BetweencoughsIsay,“Margot,let’smeetinParisformyspringbreak!”I’malreadypicturingmyselftwirlingwithapistachiomacaroninonehandandaraspberryoneintheother.
Margot’seyeslightup.“DoyouthinkDaddywillletyou?”
“Sure,it’sculture.He’llhavetoletme.”Butit’struethatI’veneverflownbymyselfbefore.AndalsoI’veneverevenleftthecountrybefore.WouldMargotmeetmeattheairport,orwouldIhavetofindmyownwaytothehostel?
Joshmustseethesuddenworryonmyfacebecausehesays,“Don’tworry.YourdadwilldefinitelyletyougoifI’mwithyou.”
Ibrighten.“Yeah!Wecanstayathostelsandjusteatpastriesandcheeseforallourmeals.”
“WecangotoJimMorrison’sgrave!”Joshthrowsin.
“Wecangotoaparfumerieandgetourpersonalscentsdone!”Icheer,andJoshsnorts.
“Um,I’mprettysure‘gettingourscentsdone’ataparfumeriewouldcostthesameasaweek’sstayatthehostel,”hesays.HenudgesMargot.“Yoursistersuffersfromdelusionsofgrandeur.”
“Sheisthefanciestofthethreeofus,”Margotagrees.
“Whataboutme?”Kittywhimpers.
“You?”Iscoff.“You’retheleastfancySonggirl.Ihavetobegyoutowashyourfeetatnight,muchlesstakeashower.”
Kitty’sfacegetspinchedandred.“Iwasn’ttalkingaboutthat,youdodobird.IwastalkingaboutParis.”
Airily,Iwaveheroff.“You’retoolittletostayatahostel.”
ShecrawlsovertoMargotandclimbsinherlap,eventhoughshe’snineandnineistoobigtositinpeople’slaps.“Margot,you’llletmego,won’tyou?”
“Maybeitcouldbeafamilyvacation,”Margotsays,kissinghercheek.“YouandLaraJeanandDaddycouldallcome.”
Ifrown.That’snotatalltheParistripIwasimagining.OverKitty’sheadJoshmouthstome,We’lltalklater,andIgivehimadiscreetthumbs-up.
*
It’slaterthatnight;Joshislonggone.Kittyandourdadareasleep.Weareinthekitchen.Margotisatthetableonhercomputer;Iamsittingnexttoher,rollingcookiedoughintoballsanddroppingthemincinnamonandsugar.SnickerdoodlestogetbackinKitty’sgoodgraces.Earlier,whenIwentintosaygoodnight,Kittyrolledoverandwouldn’tspeaktomebecauseshe’sstillconvincedI’mgoingtotrytocutheroutoftheParistrip.Myplanistoputthesnickerdoodlesonaplaterightnexttoherpillowsoshewakesuptothesmelloffresh-bakedcookies.
Margot’sbeingextraquiet,andthen,outofnowhere,shelooksupfromhercomputerandsays,“IbrokeupwithJoshtonight.Afterdinner.”
Mycookie-doughballfallsoutofmyfingersandintothesugarbowl.
“Imean,itwastime,”shesays.Hereyesaren’tred-rimmed;shehasn’tbeencrying,Idon’tthink.Hervoiceiscalmandeven.Anyonelookingatherwouldthinkshewasfine.BecauseMargotisalwaysfine,evenwhenshe’snot.
“Idon’tseewhyyouhadtobreakup,”Isay.“Just’causeyou’regoingtocollegedoesn’tmeanyouhavetobreakup.”
“LaraJean,I’mgoingtoScotland,notUVA.SaintAndrewsisnearlyfourthousandmilesaway.”Shepushesupherglasses.“Whatwouldbethepoint?”
Ican’tevenbelieveshewouldsaythat.“Thepointis,it’sJosh.Joshwholovesyoumorethananyboyhaseverlovedagirl!”
Margotrollshereyesatthis.ShethinksI’mbeingdramatic,butI’mnot.It’strue—that’showmuchJoshlovesMargot.Hewouldneversomuchaslookatanothergirl.
Suddenlyshesays,“DoyouknowwhatMommytoldmeonce?”
“What?”ForamomentIforgetallaboutJosh.BecausenomatterwhatIamdoinginlife,ifMargotandIareinthemiddleofanargument,ifIamabouttogethitbyacar,IwillalwaysstopandlistentoastoryaboutMommy.Anydetail,anyremembrancethatMargothas,Iwanttohaveittoo.I’mbetteroffthanKitty,though.Kittydoesn’thaveonememoryofMommythatwehaven’tgivenher.We’vetoldhersomanystoriessomanytimesthatthey’rehersnow.“Rememberthattime…,”she’llsay.Andthenshe’lltellthestorylikeshewasthereandnotjustalittlebaby.
“Shetoldmetotrynottogotocollegewithaboyfriend.Shesaidshedidn’twantmetobethegirlcryingonthephonewithherboyfriendandsayingnotothingsinsteadofyes.”
ScotlandisMargot’syes,Iguess.Absently,Iscoopupamoundofcookiedoughandpopitinmymouth.
“Youshouldn’teatrawcookiedough,”Margotsays.
Iignoreher.“Joshwouldneverholdyoubackfromanything.He’snotlikethat.Rememberhowwhenyoudecidedtorunforstudent-bodypresident,hewasyourcampaignmanager?He’syourbiggestfan!”
Atthis,thecornersofMargot’smouthturndown,andIgetupandflingmyarmsaroundherneck.Sheleansherheadbackandsmilesupatme.“I’mokay,”shesays,butsheisn’t,Iknowsheisn’t.
“It’snottoolate,youknow.Youcangooverthererightnowandtellhimyouchangedyourmind.”
Margotshakesherhead.“It’sdone,LaraJean.”Ireleaseherandsheclosesherlaptop.“Whenwillthefirstbatchbeready?I’mhungry.”
Ilookatthemagneticeggtimeronthefridge.“Fourmoreminutes.”Isitbackdownandsay,“Idon’tcarewhatyousay,Margot.Youguysaren’tdone.Youlovehimtoomuch.”
Sheshakesherhead.“LaraJean,”shebegins,inherpatientMargotvoice,likeIamachildandsheisawiseoldwomanofforty-two.
IwaveaspoonfulofcookiedoughunderMargot’snose,andshehesitatesandthenopenshermouth.Ifeedittoherlikeababy.“Waitandsee,youandJoshwillbebacktogetherinaday,maybetwo.”ButevenasI’msayingit,Iknowit’snottrue.Margot’snotthekindofgirltobreakupandgetbacktogetheronawhim;onceshe’sdecidedsomething,that’sit.There’snowaffling,noregrets.It’slikeshesaid:whenshe’sdone,she’sjustdone.
Iwish(andthisisathoughtI’vehadmany,manytimes,toomanytimestocount)IwasmorelikeMargot.BecausesometimesitfeelslikeI’llneverbedone
Later,afterI’vewashedthedishesandplatedthecookiesandsetthemonKitty’spillow,Igotomyroom.Idon’tturnthelighton.Igotomywindow.Josh’slightisstillon.
2
THENEXTMORNING,MARGOTISMAKINGcoffeeandIampouringcerealinbowls,andIsaythethingI’vebeenthinkingallmorning.“Justsoyouknow,DaddyandKittyaregoingtobereallyupset.”WhenKittyandIwerebrushingourteethjustnow,Iwastemptedtogoaheadandspillthebeans,butKittywasstillmadatmefromyesterday,soIkeptquiet.Shedidn’tevenacknowledgemycookies,thoughIknowsheatethembecauseallthatwasleftontheplatewerecrumbs.
Margotletsoutaheavysigh.“SoI’msupposedtostaywithJoshbecauseofyouandDaddyandKitty?”
“No,I’mjusttellingyou.”
“It’snotlikehewouldcomeoverherethatmuchonceIwasgone,anyway.”
Ifrown.Thisdidn’toccurtome,thatJoshwouldstopcomingoverbecauseMargotwasgone.Hewascomingoverlongbeforetheywereeveracouple,soIdon’tseewhyheshouldstop.“Hemight,”Isay.“HereallylovesKitty.”
Shepushesthestartbuttononthecoffeemachine.I’mwatchinghersupercarefullybecauseMargot’salwaysbeentheonetomakethecoffeeandIneverhave,andnowthatshe’sleaving(onlysixmoredays),I’dbetterknowhow.Withherbacktomeshesays,“MaybeIwon’tevenmentionittothem.”
“Um,Ithinkthey’llfigureitoutwhenhe’snotattheairport,Gogo.”GogoismynicknameforMargot.Asingo-goboots.“Howmanycupsofwaterdidyouputinthere?Andhowmanyspoonsofcoffeebeans?”
“I’llwriteitalldownforyou,”Margotassuresme.“Inthenotebook.”
Wekeepahousenotebookbythefridge.Margot’sidea,ofcourse.IthasalltheimportantnumbersandDaddy’sscheduleandKitty’scarpool.“Makesureyouputinthenumberforthenewdrycleaners,”Isay.
“Alreadydone.”Margotslicesabananaforhercereal:eachsliceisperfectlythin.“Andalso,Joshwouldn’thavecometotheairportwithusanyway.YouknowhowIfeelaboutsadgood-byes.”Margotmakesaface,likeUgh,emotions
Idoknow.
*
WhenMargotdecidedtogotocollegeinScotland,itfeltlikeabetrayal.EventhoughIknewitwascoming,becauseofcourseshewasgoingtogotocollegesomewherefaraway.AndofcourseshewasgoingtogotocollegeinScotlandandstudyanthropology,becausesheisMargot,thegirlwiththemapsandthetravelbooksandtheplans.Ofcourseshewouldleaveusoneday.
I’mstillmadather,justalittle.Justateeny-tinybit.ObviouslyIknowit’snotherfault.Butshe’sgoingsofaraway,andwealwayssaidwe’dbetheSonggirlsforever.Margotfirst,meinthemiddle,andmysisterKittylast.OnherbirthcertificatesheisKatherine;toussheisKitty.OccasionallywecallherKitten,becausethat’swhatIcalledherwhenshewasborn:shelookedlikeascrawny,hairlesskitten.
WearethethreeSonggirls.Thereusedtobefour.Mymom,EveSong.Evietomydad,Mommytous,Evetoeveryoneelse.Songis,was,mymom’slastname.OurlastnameisCovey—Coveylikelovey,notlikecove.ButthereasonwearetheSonggirlsandnottheCoveygirlsismymomusedtosaythatshewasaSonggirlforlife,andMargotsaidthenweshouldbetoo.WeallhaveSongforourmiddlename,andwelookmoreSongthanCoveyanyway,moreKoreanthanwhite.AtleastMargotandIdo;KittylooksmostlikeDaddy:herhairislightbrownlikehis.PeoplesayIlookthemostlikeMommy,butIthinkMargotdoes,withherhighcheekbonesanddarkeyes.It’sbeenalmostsixyearsnow,andsometimesitfeelslikejustyesterdayshewashere,andsometimesitfeelslikesheneverwas,onlyindreams.
She’dmoppedthefloorsthatmorning;theywereshinyandeverythingsmelledlikelemonsandcleanhouse.Thephonewasringinginthekitchen,shecamerunningintoanswerit,andsheslipped.Shehitherheadonthefloor,andshewasunconscious,butthenshewokeupandshewasfine.Thatwasherlucidinterval.That’swhattheycallit.Alittlewhilelatershesaidshehadaheadache,shewenttoliedownonthecouch,andthenshedidn’twakeup.
Margotwastheonewhofoundher.Shewastwelve.Shetookcareofeverything:shecalled911;shecalledDaddy;shetoldmetowatchoverKitty,whowasonlythree.IturnedontheTVforKittyintheplayroomandIsatwithher.That’sallIdid.Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifMargothadn’tbeenthere.EventhoughMargotisonlytwoyearsolderthanme,Ilookuptohermorethananybody.
Whenotheradultsfindoutthatmydadisasinglefatherofthreegirls,theyshaketheirheadsinadmiration,likeHowdoeshedoit?Howdoesheevermanagethatallbyhimself?TheanswerisMargot.She’sbeenanorganizerfromthestart,everythinglabeledandscheduledandarrangedinneat,evenrows.
Margotisagoodgirl,andIguessKittyandIhavefollowedherlead.I’venevercheatedorgottendrunkorsmokedacigaretteorevenhadaboyfriend.WeteaseDaddyandsayhowluckyheisthatwe’reallsogood,butthetruthis,we’retheluckyones.He’sareallygooddad.Andhetrieshard.Hedoesn’talwaysunderstandus,buthetries,andthat’stheimportantthing.WethreeSonggirlshaveanunspokenpact:tomakelifeaseasyaspossibleforDaddy.Butthenagain,maybeit’snotsounspoken,becausehowmanytimeshaveIheardMargotsay,“Shh,bequiet,Daddy’stakinganapbeforehehastogobacktothehospital,”or“Don’tbotherDaddywiththat;doityourself”?
I’veaskedMargotwhatshethinksitwouldhavebeenlikeifMommyhadn’tdied.LikewouldwespendmoretimewithourKoreansideofthefamilyandnotjustonThanksgivingandNewYear’sDay?Or—Margotdoesn’tseethepointinwondering.Thisisourlife;there’snouseinaskingwhatif.Noonecouldevergiveyoutheanswers.Itry,Ireallydo,butit’shardformetoacceptthiswayofthinking.I’malwayswonderingaboutthewhat-ifs,abouttheroadnottaken.
*
DaddyandKittycomedownstairsatthesametime.MargotpoursDaddyacupofcoffee,black,andIpourmilkinKitty’scerealbowl.Ipushitinfrontofher,andsheturnsherheadawayfrommeandgetsayogurtoutofthefridge.ShetakesitintothelivingroomtoeatinfrontoftheTV.Soshe’sstillmad.
“I’mgoingtogotoCostcolatertoday,soyougirlsmakealistforwhateveryouneed,”Daddyasks,takingabigsipofcoffee.“IthinkI’llpickupsomeNewYorkstripsfordinner.Wecangrillout.ShouldIgetoneforJosh,too?”
MyheadwhipsinMargot’sdirection.Sheopenshermouthandclosesit.Thenshesays,“No,justgetenoughforthefourofus,Daddy.”
Igiveherareprovinglook,andsheignoresme.I’veneverknownMargottochickenoutbefore,butIsupposeinmattersoftheheart,there’snopredictinghowapersonwillorwon’tbehave.
3
SONOWIT’STHELASTDAYSOFSUMMERandourlastdayswithMargot.Maybeit’snotaltogethersuchabadthingthatshebrokeupwithJosh;thiswaywehavemoretimewithjustussisters.I’msureshemusthavethoughtofthat.I’msureitwaspartoftheplan.
We’redrivingoutofourneighborhoodwhenweseeJoshrunpast.Hejoinedtracklastyear,sonowhe’salwaysrunning.Kittyyellshisname,butthewindowsareup,andit’snouseanyway—hepretendsnottohear.“Turnaround,”KittyurgesMargot.“Maybehewantstocomewithus.”
“ThisisaSong-girls-onlyday,”Itellher.
WespendtherestofthemorningatTarget,pickinguplastminutethingslikeHoneyNutChexmixfortheflightanddeodorantandhairties.WeletKittypushthecartsoshecandothatthingwhereshegetsarunningstartandthenridesthecartlikeshe’spushingachariot.Margotonlyletsherdoitacoupleoftimesbeforeshemakesherstop,though,soasnottoannoyothercustomers.
Nextwegobackhomeandmakechickensaladwithgreengrapesforlunchandthenit’snearlytimeforKitty’sswimmeet.Wepackapicnicdinnerofham-and-cheesesandwichesandfruitsaladandbringMargot’slaptoptowatchmovieson,becauseswimmeetscangolongintothenight.Wemakeasign,too,thatsaysGoKittyGo!Idrawadogonit.Daddyendsupmissingtheswimmeetbecauseheisdeliveringababy,andasfarasexcusesgo,it’saprettygoodone.(Itwasagirl,andtheynamedherPatriciaRoseafterhertwograndmothers.Daddyalwaysfindsoutthefirstandmiddlenameforme.It’sthefirstthingIaskwhenhegetshomefromadelivery.)Kitty’ssoexcitedaboutwinningtwofirst-placeribbonsandonesecondplacethatsheforgetstoaskwhereJoshisuntilwe’reinthecardrivingbackhome.She’sinthebackseatandshe’sgothertowelwrappedaroundherheadlikeaturbanandherribbonsdanglingfromherearslikeearrings.Sheleansforwardandsays,“Hey!Whydidn’tJoshcometomymeet?”
IcanseeMargothesitate,soIanswerbeforeshecan.MaybetheonlythingI’mbetteratthanMargotislying.“Hehadtoworkatthebookstoretonight.Hereallywantedtomakeit,though.”Margotreachesacrosstheconsoleandgivesmyhandagratefulsqueeze.
Stickingoutherlowerlip,Kittysays,“Thatwasthelastregularmeet!Hepromisedhe’dcomewatchmeswim.”
“Itwasalast-minutething,”Isay.“Hecouldn’tgetoutofworkingtheshiftbecauseoneofhiscoworkershadanemergency.”
Kittynodsbegrudgingly.Littleassheis,sheunderstandsemergencyshifts.
“Let’sgetfrozencustards,”Margotsayssuddenly.
Kittylightsup,andJoshandhisimaginaryemergencyshiftisforgotten.“Yeah!Iwantawafflecone!CanIgetawaffleconewithtwoscoops?Iwantmintchipandpeanutbrittle.No,rainbowsherbetanddoublefudge.No,wait—”
Itwistaroundinmyseat.“Youcan’tfinishtwoscoopsandawafflecone,”Itellher.“Maybeyoucouldfinishtwoscoopsinacup,butnotinacone.”
“Yes,Ican.TonightIcan.I’mstarving.”
“Fine,butyoubetterfinishthewholething.”Ishakemyfingeratherandsayitlikeathreat,whichmakesherrollhereyesandgiggle.Asforme,I’llgetwhatIalwaysget—thecherrychocolate-chunkcustardinasugarcone.
Margotpullsintothedrive-thru,andaswewaitourturn,Isay,“Ibettheydon’thavefrozencustardinScotland.”
“Probablynot,”shesays.
“Youwon’thaveanotheroneoftheseuntilThanksgiving,”Isay.
Margotlooksstraightahead.“Christmas,”shesays,correctingme.“Thanksgiving’stooshorttoflyallthatway,remember?”
“Thanksgiving’sgonnasuck.”Kittypouts.
I’msilent.We’veneverhadaThanksgivingwithoutMargot.Shealwaysdoestheturkeyandthebroccolicasseroleandthecreamedonions.Idothepies(pumpkinandpecan)andthemashedpotatoes.Kittyisthetastetesterandthetablesetter.Idon’tknowhowtoroastaturkey.Andbothofourgrandmotherswillbethere,andNana,Daddy’smother,likesMargotbestofallofus.ShesaysKittydrainsherandI’mtoodreamy-eyed.
AllofasuddenIfeelpanickyandit’shardtobreatheandIcouldn’tcarelessaboutcherrychocolate-chunkcustard.Ican’tpictureThanksgivingwithoutMargot.Ican’tevenpicturenextMondaywithouther.Iknowmostsistersdon’tgetalong,butI’mclosertoMargotthanIamtoanybodyintheworld.HowcanwebetheSonggirlswithoutMargot?
4
MYOLDESTFRIENDCHRISSMOKES,SHEhooksupwithboysshedoesn’tknowhardlyatall,andshe’sbeensuspendedtwice.Onetimeshehadtogobeforethecourtfortruancy.IneverknewwhattruancywasbeforeImetChris.FYI,it’swhenyouskipsomuchschoolyou’reintroublewiththelaw.
I’mprettysurethatifChrisandImeteachothernow,wewouldn’tbefriends.We’reasdifferentasdifferentcanbe.Butitwasn’talwaysthisway.InsixthgradeChrislikedstationeryandsleepoversandstayingupallnightwatchingJohnHughesmovies,justlikeme.Butbyeighthgradeshewassneakingoutaftermydadfellasleeptomeetboysshemetatthemall.They’ddropherbackoffbeforeitgotlightoutside.I’dstayupuntilshecameback,terrifiedshewouldn’tmakeithomebeforemydadwokeup.Shealwaysmadeitbackintimethough.
Chrisisn’tthekindoffriendyoucalleverynightorhavelunchwitheveryday.Sheislikeastreetcat,shecomesandgoesasshepleases.Shecan’tbetieddowntoaplaceoraperson.SometimesIwon’tseeChrisfordaysandtheninthemiddleofthenighttherewillbeaknockatmybedroomwindowandit’llbeChris,crouchedinthemagnoliatree.Ikeepmywindowunlockedforherincase.ChrisandMargotcan’tstandeachother.ChristhinksMargotisuptight,andMargotthinksChrisisbipolar.ShethinksChrisusesme;ChristhinksMargotcontrolsme.Ithinkmaybethey’rebothalittlebitright.Buttheimportantthing,therealthing,isChrisandIunderstandeachother,whichIthinkcountsforalotmorethanpeoplerealize.
*
Chriscallsmeonthewayovertoourhouse;shesayshermom’sbeingabeotchandshe’scomingoverforacouplehoursanddowehaveanyfood?
ChrisandIaresharingabowlofleftovergnocchiinthelivingroomwhenMargotcomeshomefromdroppingKittyoffatherswimteam’send-of-seasonbarbecue.“Oh,hey,”shesays.ThenshespotsChris’sglassofDietCokeonthecoffeetable,sanscoaster.“Canyoupleaseuseacoaster?”
AssoonasMargot’supthestairs,Chrissays,“Gawd!Whyisyoursistersuchabeotch?”
Islideacoasterunderherglass.“Youthinkeveryone’sabeotchtoday.”
“That’sbecauseeveryoneis.”Chrisrollshereyestowardtheceiling.Loudly,shesays,“Sheneedstopullthatstickoutofherass.”
FromherroomMargotyells,“Iheardthat!”
“Imeantforyouto!”Chrisyellsback,scrapingupthelastpieceofgnocchiforherself.
Isigh.“She’sleavingsosoon.”
Snickering,Chrissays,“SoisJoshy,like,goingtolightacandleforhereverynightuntilshecomesbackhome?”
Ihesitate.WhileI’mnotsureifit’sstillsupposedtobeasecret,IamsurethatMargotwouldn’twantChrisknowinganyofherpersonalbusiness.AllIsayis,“I’mnotsure.”
“Waitaminute.Didshedumphim?”Chrisdemands.
ReluctantlyInod.“Don’tsayanythingtoher,though,”Iwarn.“She’sstillreallysadaboutit.”
“Margot?Sad?”Chrispicksathernails.“Margotdoesn’thavenormalhumanemotionsliketherestofus.”
“Youjustdon’tknowher,”Isay.“Besides,wecan’tallbelikeyou.”
Shegrinsatoothygrin.Shehassharpincisors,whichmakeherlookalwaysalittlebithungry.“True.”
Chrisispureemotion.Shescreamsatthedropofahat.Shesayssometimesyouhavetoscreamoutemotions;ifyoudon’t,they’llfester.Theotherdayshescreamedataladyatthegrocerystoreforaccidentallysteppingonhertoes.Idon’tthinkshe’sinanydangerofheremotionsfestering.
“Ijustcan’tbelievethatinafewdaysshe’llbegone,”Isay,feelingsnifflyallofasudden.
“She’snotdying,LaraJean.There’snothingtogetallboo-hooabout.”Chrispullsataloosestringonherredshorts.They’resoshortthatwhenshe’ssitting,youcanseeherunderwear.Whichareredtomatchhershorts.“Infact,Ithinkthisisgoodforyou.It’sabouttimeyoudidyourownthingandstoppedjustlisteningtowhateverQueenMargotsays.Thisisyourjunioryear,beotch.Thisiswhenit’ssupposedtogetgood.Frenchsomeguys,livealittle,youknow?”
“Iliveplenty,”Isay.
“Yeah,atthenursinghome.”ChrissnickersandIglareather.
MargotstartedvolunteeringattheBelleviewRetirementCommunitywhenshegotherdriver’slicense;itwasherjobtohelphostcocktailhourfortheresidents.I’dhelpsometimes.We’dsetoutpeanutsandpourdrinksandsometimesMargotwouldplaythepiano,butusuallyStormyhoggedthat.StormyistheBelleviewdiva.Sherulestheroost.Ilikelisteningtoherstories.AndMissMary,shemightnotbesogoodatconversationduetoherdementia,butshetaughtmehowtoknit.
Theyhaveanewvolunteertherenow,butIknowthatatBelleviewitreallyisthemorethemerrier,becausemostoftheresidentsgetsofewvisitors.Ishouldgobacksoon;Imissgoingthere.AndIforsuredon’tappreciateChrismakingfunofit.
“ThosepeopleatBelleviewhavelivedmorelifethaneveryoneweknowcombined,”Itellher.“There’sthisonelady,Stormy,shewasaUSOgirl!Sheusedtogetahundredlettersadayfromsoldierswhowereinlovewithher.Andtherewasthisoneveteranwholosthisleg—hesentheradiamondring!”
Chrislooksinterestedallofasudden.“Didshekeepit?”
“Shedid,”Iadmit.Ithinkitwaswrongofhertokeeptheringsinceshehadnointentionofmarryinghim,butsheshowedittome,anditwasbeautiful.Itwasapinkdiamond,veryrare.Ibetit’sworthsomuchmoneynow.
“IguessStormysoundskindoflikeabadass,”Chrissaysbegrudgingly.
“MaybeyoucouldcomewithmetoBelleviewsometime,”Isuggest.“Wecouldgototheircocktailhour.Mr.Perellilovestodancewithnewgirls.He’llteachyouhowtofox-trot.”
ChrismakesahorriblefacelikeIsuggestedwegohangoutatthetowndump.“No,thanks.HowaboutItakeyoudancing?”Shenudgesherchintowardupstairs.“Nowthatyoursister’sleaving,wecanhavesomerealfun.YouknowIalwayshavefun.”
It’strue,Chrisdoesalwayshavefun.Sometimesalittletoomuchfun,butfunnonetheless.
5
THENIGHTBEFOREMARGOTLEAVES,ALLthreeofusareinherroomhelpingpackupthelastlittlethings.KittyisorganizingMargot’sbathstuff,packingitniceandneatintheclearshowercaddy.Margotistryingtodecidewhichcoattobring.
“ShouldIbringmypeacoatandmypuffycoatorjustmypeacoat?”sheasksme.
“Justthepeacoat,”Isay.“Youcandressthatupordown.”I’mlyingonherbeddirectingthepackingprocess.“Kitty,makesurethelotioncapisontight.”
“It’sbrand-new—courseit’sontight!”Kittygrowls,butshedouble-checks.
“ItgetscoldinScotlandsoonerthanitdoeshere,”Margotsaid,foldingthecoatandsettingitontopofhersuitcase.“IthinkI’lljustbringboth.”
“Idon’tknowwhyyouaskedifyoualreadyknewwhatyouweregoingtodo,”Isay.“Also,IthoughtyousaidyouwerecominghomeforChristmas.You’restillcominghomeforChristmas,right?”
“Yes,ifyou’llstopbeingabrat,”Margotsays.
Honestly,Margotisn’tevenpackingthatmuch.Shedoesn’tneedalot.Ifitwasme,I’dhavepackedupmywholeroom,butnotMargot.Herroomlooksthesame,almost.
Margotsitsdownnexttome,andKittyclimbsupandsitsatthefootofthebed.“Everything’schanging,”Isay,sighing.
Margotmakesafaceandputsherarmaroundme.“Nothing’schanging,notreally.We’retheSonggirlsforever,remember?”
Ourfatherstandsinthedoorway.Heknocks,eventhoughthedoorisopenandwecanclearlyseeitishim.“I’mgoingtostartpackingupthecarnow,”heannounces.Wewatchfromthebedashelugsoneofthesuitcasesdownstairs,andthenhecomesupfortheotherone.Drilyhesays,“Ohno,don’tgetup.Don’ttroubleyourselves.”
“Don’tworry,wewon’t,”wesingout.
Forthepastweekourfatherhasbeeninspring-cleaningmode,eventhoughitisn’tspring.He’sgettingridofeverything—thebreadmachineweneverused,CDs,oldblankets,ourmother’soldtypewriter.It’sallgoingtoGoodwill.ApsychiatristorsomeonecouldprobablyconnectittoMargot’sleavingforcollege,butIcan’texplaintheexactsignificanceofit.Whateveritis,it’sannoying.Ihadtoshoohimawayfrommyglass-unicorncollectiontwice.
IlaydownmyheadinMargot’slap.“SoyoureallyarecominghomeforChristmas,right?”
“Right.”
“IwishIcouldcomewithyou.”Kittypouts.“You’renicerthanLaraJean.”
Igiveherapinch.
“See?”shecrows.
“LaraJeanwillbenice,”Margotsays,“aslongasyoubehave.AndyoubothhavetotakecareofDaddy.Makesurehedoesn’tworktoomanySaturdays.Makesurehetakesthecarinforinspectionnextmonth.Andmakesureyoubuycoffeefilters—you’realwaysforgettingtobuycoffeefilters.”
“Yes,drillsergeant,”KittyandIchorus.IsearchMargot’sfaceforsadnessorfearorworry,forsomesignthatsheisscaredtogosofaraway,thatshewillmissusasmuchaswewillmissher.Idon’tseeit,though.
ThethreeofussleepinMargot’sroomthatnight.
Kittyfallsasleepfirst,asalways.Ilieinthedarkbesideherwithmyeyesopen.Ican’tsleep.ThethoughtthattomorrownightMargotwon’tbeinthisroom—itmakesmesosadIcanhardlybearit.Ihatechangemorethanalmostanything.
InthedarknexttomeMargotasks,“LaraJean…doyouthinkyou’veeverbeeninlovebefore?Reallove?”
Shecatchesmeoffguard;Idon’thaveananswerreadyforher.I’mtryingtothinkofone,butshe’salreadytalkingagain.
Wistfully,shesays,“IwishI’dbeeninlovemorethanonce.Ithinkyoushouldfallinloveatleasttwiceinhighschool.”Thensheletsoutalittlesighandfallsasleep.Margotfallsasleeplikethat—onedreamysighandshe’sofftonever-neverland,justlikethat.
*
IwakeupinthemiddleofthenightandMargot’snotthere.Kitty’scurleduponhersidenexttome,butnoMargot.It’spitchdark;onlythemoonlightfiltersthroughthecurtains.Icrawloutofbedandmovetothewindow.Mybreathcatches.Theretheyare:JoshandMargotstandinginthedriveway.Margot’sfaceisturnedawayfromhim,towardthemoon.Joshiscrying.Theyaren’ttouching.There’senoughspacebetweenthemformetoknowthatMargothasn’tchangedhermind.
Idropthecurtainandfindmywaybacktothebed,whereKittyhasrolledfartherintothecenter.IpushherbackafewinchessotherewillberoomforMargot.IwishIhadn’tseenthat.Itwastoopersonal.Tooreal.Itwassupposedtobejustforthem.Iftherewasawayformetounseeit,Iwould.
Iturnonmysideandclosemyeyes.Whatmustitbelike,tohaveaboylikeyousomuchhecriesforyou?Andnotjustanyboy.Josh.OurJosh.
Toanswerherquestion:yes,IthinkIhavebeeninreallove.Justonce,though.WithJosh.OurJosh.
ContinueReading…
ToAlltheBoysI’veLovedBefore
JennyHan
Keepreadingforapreviewof
BurnforBurn
by
JennyHanandSiobhanVivian
KAT
Theclockonmydashboardreadsaquartertotwointhemorning.
Icheckmycellphoneonelasttimebeforechuckingitonthebackseat.Nocalls,notexts.Nothing.She’snotcoming.
WhyamIsuchanidiot?
Ishouldhavekeptthiswholerevengeideatomyself.Revengeissupposedtobeasolitarything,IthinkIheardthatsomewhere.AndIdon’tknowwhathelpIthoughtLilliacouldgiveme.Hermindcan’tgotothedarkplacesminedoes.She’swaytoopureforthat.Andevenwithwhatever’sgoingonbetweenLilliaandRennie,there’snowayLilliawouldeverbetrayherbestfriend.Actually,knowingLillia,she’sprobablyholdingupherphonesosheandRenniecanlaughatme.Igottooexcited,andnowlook.I’mgoingtobedonebeforeIevengetstarted.
I’mjustgonnagohomeandworkonmyearlydecisionapptoOberlin.That’stheonlythingthatwillgetmethroughthisyear—thethoughtoffinallyleavingthisislandforgood.
Ipullintotheferryparkinglottoturnaround.Thelightsareoff,theplaceisclearedout,exceptforonegirlsittingonthecurb.She’sgotherelbowsonherknees,herheadinherhands,andherblondhairoveroneshoulder.
Ithinkaboutjustcruisingrightpast,butsomethingmakesmedriveover.AsIgetclose,Iseethatit’sthegirlfromthebathroom.
“Bathroomgirl,”Isay,pullingtoastop.
“Myname’sMary,”shesays.She’schewingonapieceofhair.
“Iknow,”Ilie.“Iwasbeingfunny.”Ishakemyheadandstartover.“Whatthehellareyoudoingoutsolate?”
Hereyesarewideandfrantic.“Ihavetogetoutofftheisland.”
“Well,youknowit’salmosttwointhemorning,right?There’snotgoingtobeanotherferryuntiltomorrow.Youmissedthelastoneby,like,threehours.”
Marydoesn’tsayanything.Shejuststaresofftowardthepiers.Youcanhardlytellwaterfromthesky.Everything’sblack.“IthinkI’mlosingmymind.”
Shesaysit,andhonestly,Ibelieveher.Thisgirlistotallyweird.Anyway,IshouldgetdowntotheYachtClub.OntheminisculechancethatLilliadoesshowup,Iwanttobethere.“Doyouwantaridehomeorsomething?”IaskMary,hopingheranswerisno.
“I’mjustgoingtowait.MaybeI’llgetupthegutstoleavebythemorning.”
“You’regoingtosithereallnight?”
“It’sjustafewmorehours.”
“Where’sallyourclothesandstuff?Didn’tyoumovebackherewithanything?”
“I—I’llgetitsomeothertime.”
Thisiscrazy.Girlfriendisfull-onfreakingout.“IsthisaboutReeve?”
Marylowershereyes.“It’salwaysbeenaboutReeve.”
I’mabouttosayScrewhim—butbeforeIcan,IseeLillia’ssilverAudiflydowntheroadandtakethefirstrightintotheYachtClubparkinglot.Ican’tbelieveit.Sheshowed.Sheactuallyshowed.
“Getin,”ItellMary,becauseIcan’tleaveherherealoneinthedark.
“I—”
“Hurryup!”
Forasecond,Marylookslikeshe’sgoingtoarguewithme.Ifshedoes,I’moutofhere.Idon’thavetimetobabyher.Lilliamightnotevengetoutofthecarifshedoesn’tseemewaitingthere.Maryhesitatesandthenshetriestoopenthedoor,butit’sstuck.“It’slocked.”
“Letgoofthehandle,”Isay,andpushtheunlockbutton,butwhenMarytriesthedoor,itstillwon’topen.God.“Justhopin,allright!”
“Whoareyouchasing?”sheasks,asIgunittoclosethedistancebetweenusandLillia’staillights.
Idon’tanswerher.Ijustdrive.
Whenwegetintotheparkinglot,Lillia’sstandingbyhercar.She’sgotonatighthoodedsweatshirt,rolled-uppajamashortswithpinkandredheartsonthem,andflip-flops.Herhairispulledupintoalongponytail.Ithink,fromthewaythemoonhitsit,thatit’swet.Shemusthavejusttakenherbath.That’saweirdthingaboutLillia,shealwaystookabatheverynightlikeakid.Iguesssomethingsdon’tchange.
“You’relate,Kat,”shesays.ThenshenoticesMarywithme,andhergriptightensaroundhercarkeys.
Ihurryoutofthecarandwalkover.I’mexcitedandrelievedLillia’sherebuttryingtohideit.“Sheneededaride,”Iwhisper.“Don’tworry.It’scool.”
“Kat—”Lillia’sgivingmeadeathglare.“I’mnotsayinganythinginfrontofher!”
IguessMarycanhearus,becauseshecallsout,“It’sfine,Icanleave.”Sheclimbsoutofthecar.
IholdupmyhandforLilliatogivemeasecondandlookbackatMary.Isay,“LeaveJarIslandtomorrowmorninglikeascaredlittlebaby?”
“Iamscared.I’mscaredoutofmymind.”
“OfReeveTabatsky?”I’mactuallypissednow.Thisgirlneedstogetabackbone,stat.“Iwon’tlethimtouchyou.”
“That’snotwhatI’mworriedabout.”Marycoversherfacewithherhands.“It’sme.I’mtheproblem.I—Ijustcan’tgetoverit.Ican’tmoveon.”
“Well,yeah.Becauseyoudon’thaveanyclosure.Thewronghasn’tbeenmaderight.Reeve’snevergottenwhat’scomingtohim.”
Lilliashakesherhead.“Forgetthis.I’mout.”Sheclickshercaralarm.Theheadlightsflashonandofflikealighthouseandthedoorsunlock.
Isidleuptohercarcoverthedoorhandlewithmybacksoshecan’topenit.“Don’tleavenow.Youwouldn’thavecomehereifyoudidn’twanttogetbackatAlexasbadlyasIwanttogetRennie.”
Maryslowlyapproachesus.“WhatdidAlexdotoyou?”
Lilliahesitatesbeforesaying,“Hedidn’tdoanythingtome.Hedidsomethingtomysister.”
Yeah,Nadiaandmeboth.NotthatI’mnotscarredoranything.Itwasjustastupidhookup.I’moverit.Almost.
Marysays,“I’msorry.Ireallydidn’tmeantointrude.I’mgoingtogo.Andlisten,IpromiseIwon’ttellasoul.Youcantrustme.Iknowmorethanmaybeanyoneelseontheislandhowthiskindofthingcanweighyoudown.Ijust…Ithinkit’sreallycoolyoubotharegoingtodosomethingaboutit.”Sheturnsaround,andstartswalkingaway,backtowardtheferry.“Goodluck.”
LilliaandIlookateachother.“Wait!”Icallout.Maryturnsaround.“Youwantinonthis,Mary?Helpus…andwe’llhelpyoutakedownReeve.”I’mafraidtolookatLillia,becauseIknowshe’sprobablypissedatmerightnow.Butshedoesn’tsayanything.Andshedoesn’tleave,either.
“Whywouldyoudothat?Youdon’tevenknowme.”
Mary’sstaringatmeallintenseandunblinking,anditthrowsmeoff.Ittakesmeasectorecover.Isay,“Idon’thavetoknowyoutoseethatyou’reatotaleffingmessoverwhateverhappened,like,yearsago.Andhey,itwouldn’tbeafreeride.You’dhavetogetyourhandsdirtytoo.Butwe’dbeinittogether.Thethreeofus.”
MarylooksatmeandLilliaforalongmoment.SolongIstarttogetantsy.Atlastshesays,“IfyouhelpmegetReeve,I’lldowhateveritisthatyouwant.”
Lillia’sdoesn’tmove.Herlipsaretightandshe’sshakingherhead.“Idon’tknow.”
“Thinkaboutit,”Itellher.I’msopsyched,I’mpracticallybouncingonmytoes.“Mary’snew.Nooneevenknowsher,muchlesssuspectsher.Plus,withoneotherperson,it’llbeeasieronbothofus.”Shedoesn’tlookconvinced.Ithrowmyhandsintheairandsay,“Youtrustedmeenoughtocomehere,didn’tyou?Allyouneedtodoistrustmejustalittlebitmore.I’vegotagoodfeelingaboutthis.”
Bitingherlip,Lilliasays,“Sowe’regoingtogetrevengeonRennie,Alex,andnowReeve?You’rebasicallyaskingmetotakedowneveryoneinmygroup.”
Shehasapoint.Maybeyoushouldn’tbefriendswithsuchjerksisrightthereonthetipofmytongue.ButIswallowthatdownandgowithdiplomacy.“Ihearyou,”Isay,nodding.“You’vegotthemosttolose,Igetthat.Sowe’lltakecareofAlexfirst.”Pointing,Isay,“Let’sgoschemewherewe’renotoutintheopen.Myboat’sparkeddownthatway.”
Ileadthewayalongthedockwiththemoonatmyback.Mary’snexttome,andLilliaafewstepsbehind.
Aswewalk,mymindisracingwithpossibilities.Howwecandothis,whatwillbethebestwaytogetstarted.I’vealreadygivenitsomethought,justincaseLilliadidshowuptonight.ButnowthatMary’sinthemixtoo,I’vegottomakeafewquickadjustments.AllIknowisthatIhavetoseemprepared,forLillia’ssake,toputhermindatease.Thatgirlisasskittishasacatinathunderstorm.Onehiccupandshe’llbolt.
WhenMaryasksmeifIownoneoftheseboats,pointingatthesoupedupyachts,Ibarelyhearher.Shehastoaskmeagain.Shakingmyhead,Isay,“Notexactly.”
BecauseIworkattheclub,Igettoparkmyboatforfree.Butnotherewiththeseboats,obviously.Mine’stiedupbackbehindthegaspumpsonanolderstretchofdockwheremybosskeepshisjunkers,thebrokenoldboatshe’sboughtcheaptostripforparts.
“Becareful,”Itellthem.“Theplanksalongthisdockarehalfrottedandthere’relotsofrustednailheadspokingupthroughthecracks.IthinkIstillhaveasplinterstuckinmyheel.Thisjerkpulledhisyachtintoofastandmadeawakesobigthatitrockedmerightoffmyboat.”
“Thatsucks,”Marysays.
Inod.“Andhebarelyevensaidsorry.Richpeopleneversaysorry.”
Lilliarollshereyesbutkeepshermouthshut.
ItakethetarpoffmyCatalinaDaysailer,folditup,andputitinthehatch.It’sbeenawhilesinceI’vehaditoutonthewater.MaybenotevensinceJune,whichiscrazy.Butthethingis,AlexandIwouldalwayshangoutonhisboat,becauseithadafridgetokeepourdrinkscoolandleatherbucketseatsthatreclined,andanamazingstereosystem.Forsomeweirdreason,Ifeelguiltyaboutthis.AboutforgettingwhoIwasbeforeImethim.Thethingsthatusedtobeimportanttome.Fixingupmyboat,hangingoutwithmyrealfriends.IneverthoughtI’dbeoneofthosegirls,thosegirlsthatcompromisewhotheyarejustforaguy.Especiallysometwo-timingwanna-beplayerlikeAlexLind.
“Getin,”Isay,hookingmyfloodlightuptothebattery.Itsendsabrightbeamoutthroughthenight,lightingupthecapsofthewaves.Perfect.
Lilliatakesonesteponboardandfreezesastheboatsways.Thenshehopsofflikeascaredbunnyrabbit.ShebacksrightintoMary,wholooksnervoustoo.Crossingherarms,Lilliasays,“Let’sjusttalkouthere.”
Laughing,Isay,“I’vebeensailingeversinceIwasoldenoughtoturnthesteeringwheelonmyown,forGod’ssakes!Ifeelsaferdrivingthisthingthanacar.”
“IsaidI’mnotgettingonthatthing,”Lilliasnaps.“Eitherwetalkouthere,orIleave.”
Undermybreath,Imutter,“Diva,”unhookmyfloodlight,andthenjointhemonthedock.
Thethreeofussitinasemicircle.
IthitsmerightthenthatI’vealreadywon.BecauseRennie’sbestfriendissittinghererightnow,pledgingtohelpmetakeherdown.AndAlexisgoingtogethis,too.IcouldgivetwoshitsaboutReeve,butit’llbenicetoseehimgetwhat’scomingtohim.It’slikeafreakingthree-for-onedeal.
Istretchmylegsoutinfrontofme.“We’vegottosetsomegroundrules.Firstoff,Ithinkeachofushastoparticipateinallthreeactsofrevenge.Thatway,noonecanbackoutorblamesomeoneelse.”
“Obviously,”Lilliasays.
Ishootheralook,butkeepgoing.“Secondly,wecan’tbeseentalkingtoeachotherinpublic.Ever.Notthatwewould…”
Marynods.“Yeah.Iguessthatmakessense.”
Icontinue,“Infact,Ieventhinktextingeachotheristoorisky.Lillia,whatifRenniepickedupyourphoneandsawmynumber?”
Lillialooksdownatherlap.“NotthatRennie’slike,snoopingaroundonmyphone,butyeah,Iguessyouhaveapoint.We’regoingtohavetobecareful.”
“Wehavetobemorethancareful,”Isay.“Noonecaneverknowwhatwe’reupto.Whatwedotogetherlivesanddieswithus.”ThenIclearmythroat,becausethisisthemostimportantpart.“Andifwe’rereallygoingtodothis,noonecanbailhalfwaythrough.Ifyou’rein,youneedtobeinuntiltheveryend.Untilweallgetwhatwewant.Ifnot,well…consideryourselffairgame.It’llbeopenseason,andwe’llhaveahellofalotofammotouseagainstyou.Ifyoucan’tsweartothat,wemightaswelljustpretendliketonightneverhappened.”
Marynodsfirst,thenLillia.Ismile,because,hotdamn,we’rereallydoingthis.
“Allrightthen,”Isay.“Ithinkthat’sit.Now,wejusthavetofigureoutwhatwe’regoingtodotoRennie,Alex,andReeve.”
“Alexfirst,”Lilliacorrects.
Welookatoneanother.Noone’ssayinganything.
“Sowhatarewegoingtodotohim?”Lilliaasks.
“Don’texpectmetodotheheavylifting,”Isnarl.“Ijustcameupwiththerules!”
Lilliapursesherlips.“Areyouserious?Ithoughtyou’dbealloverthis.Ifiguredyou’dalreadyhave,like,anotebookwitheverybodyyouhateandlistsofthingsyou’lldotogetbackatthem.”Sheactuallysoundsdisappointed,whichgivesmeaweirdsenseofpride.
Offthetopofmyhead,Istartriffing.“Okay,well,Alexisobsessedwithhiscar.Wecouldspraypaintit,messwiththeengine—”
“Notbigenough,”Lilliainterrupts.
Maryasks,“Doeshehaveapetorsomething?Wecouldkidnapit…andkillit!”LilliaandIexchangeahorrifiedlookasMarygiggles.“I’mjustkiddingaboutthatlastpart.Iloveanimals!”
Ikeepgoing.“Wecouldhackintotheschoolcomputerandmesswithhisgrades.MakeitsotheonlycollegethatwilltakehimisJarIslandCC.Hisdadwillkillhimifhedoesn’tgetintoanIvy.”
Lilliasighsandsays,“Idon’tknowhowtohackintoanything,andIdoubtyoudo,either,Kat.Doyou,Mary?”
Maryshakesherhead.
“IthinkIhaveabetteridea.”Istarttobristle,butthenLilliagoeson.“IwanttomakeitsonoJarIslandgirlwilleverhookupwithAlexLindagain.So…howdowemakethathappen?”There’ssomethingaboutthewayLilliasaysit.Leaningforwardinthedark,hereyesarewideopenandcalmnow.Shemeansbusiness.
“Hellyeah!”Iclapmyhands.Ican’thelpmyself.
ContinueReading…
BurnforBurn
JennyHanandSiobhanVivian
?BRADWALSHJennyHanhashermaster’sdegreeincreativewritingforchildrenfromtheNewSchool.HerpreviousbooksincludeShugandTheSummerITurnedPretty.ShelivesinBrooklyn,NewYork.VisitJennyatdearjennyhan.comSimon&SchusterBooksforYoungReadersSimon&Schuster·NewYorkWatchvideos,getextras,andreadexclusivesatsimonandschuster.com/teen
AlsobyJennyHan
ShugTheSummerITurnedPrettyIt’sNotSummerWithoutYou
AnimprintofSimon&SchusterChildren’sPublishingDivision1230AvenueoftheAmericas,NewYork,NewYork10020www.SimonandSchuster.comThisbookisaworkoffiction.Anyreferencestohistoricalevents,realpeople,orreallocalesareusedfictitiously.Othernames,characters,places,andincidentsareproductsoftheauthor’simagination,andanyresemblancetoactualeventsorlocalesorpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.
Copyright?2011byJennyHanAllrightsreserved,includingtherightofreproductioninwholeorinpartinanyform.
isatrademarkofSimon&Schuster,Inc.
TheSimon&SchusterSpeakersBureaucanbringauthorstoyourliveevent.
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AlsoavailableinahardcovereditionBookdesignbyLucyRuthCumminsThetextforthisbookissetinBembo.
FirstpaperbackeditionApril2012
TheLibraryofCongresshascatalogedthehardcovereditionasfollows:
Han,Jenny.
We’llalwayshavesummer:asummernovel/JennyHan.—1sted.
p.cm.
Sequelto:It’snotsummerwithoutyou.
Summary:Thesummerafterherfirstyearofcollege,Isobel“Belly”ConklinisfacedwithachoicebetweenJeremiahandConradFisher,brothersshehasalwaysloved,whenJeremiahproposesmarriageandConradconfessesthathestilllovesher.
ISBN978-1-4169-9558-6(hc)
[1.Love—Fiction.2.Brothers—Fiction.3.Interpersonalrelations—Fiction.4.Beaches—Fiction.5.Vacationhomes—Fiction.]I.Title.II.Title:Wewillalwayshavesummer.
PZ7.H18944We2011
[Fic]—dc22
2010046670
ISBN978-1-4169-9559-3(pbk)
ISBN978-1-41699560-9(eBook)
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The copyright of the article belongs to the author. Please do not reprint without permission.
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