Dedication
TothenursesanddoctorsofNYULangoneHealth—particularly15West,TischBuilding,Manhattan
Contents
Cover
TitlePage
Dedication
Prologue
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
AnExcerptFromItHappenedOneSummer
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
AbouttheAuthor
ByTessaBailey
Copyright
AboutthePublisher
Prologue
September15
HANNAH(6:00PM):Hey.Fox?
FOX(10:20PM):Yeah.
H(10:22PM):It’sHannah.Bellinger?IgotyournumberfromBrendan.
F(10:22PM):Hannah.Shit.Sorry,Iwouldhaveansweredsooner.
H(10:23PM):No,it’sfine.Isitweirdofmetotextyou?
F(10:23PM):Notweirdatall,Freckles.YoumakeitbacktoLAsafely?
H(10:26PM):Notascratchonme.Missingthat
signatureWestportfisharomaalready(onlyhalfkidding).Anyway,IjustwantedtosaythankyoufortheFleetwoodMacrecordyouleftonmysister’sdoorstep.Youreallydidn’thavetodothat.
F(10:27PM):Nobigdeal.Icouldtellyouwantedit.
H(10:29PM):Howcouldyoutell?WasitmeopenlysobbingwhenIleftitbehindattheexpo?
F(10:30PM):Kindoftippedmeoff.
H(10:38PM):Ah.Well.Iwishyoucouldhearitplayinperson.It’smagic.
F(10:42PM):Maybesomeday.
H(10:43PM):Maybe.Thanksagain.
F(11:01PM):Youdidn’thavetotellmeyourlastname.
There’sonlyoneHannah.
H(11:02PM):Sorry,can’tsaythesame.IknowseveralFox’s.
October3
FOX(4:03PM):HeyHannah
HANNAH(4:15PM):Hey!What’sup?
F(4:16PM):Justpulledbackintotheharborafter3daysout.
F(4:18PM):Thisisstupid,butyou’reokay,right?
H(4:19PM):Imean,mytherapistwouldprobablysaythat’sdebatable.PhysicallyI’minonepiecetho.Why?
F(4:20PM):Justaweirddream.IDK…Idreamedyouweremissing.Orlost?
H(4:25PM):Thatwasn’tadream.Sendachopper.
F(4:25PM):
F(4:26PM):Fishermendon’tignorethedreamstheyhaveonwater.Sometimesthey’renothing,othertimesthey’reapremonition.
H(4:30PM):Ifanyoneworriesinthisfriendship,itshouldbeme.I’veseenthePerfectStorm.
F(4:32PM):ThatmakesmeWahlberginthisscenario?
H(4:33PM):Depends.Canyoupulloffwhiteboxerbriefs?
F(4:34PM):Andthensome,babe.
F(4:40PM):Sothisisafriendship?
H(4:45PM):Yeah.Areyouonboard?(fishingpuns,theyarehappening)
F(4:48PM):I’m…yeah.SoIcanjusttextyouwhenever?
H(4:50PM):Yeah.
F(4:55PM):Okaythen.
H(4:56PM):Okaythen.
October22
FOX(10:30PM):Hey,Freckles.Whatareyouupto?
HANNAH(10:33PM):Hey.Notmuch.Howcanyoutellifyouhavea“flat”tire?
F(10:33PM):Whywhat’sgoingon??
H(10:35PM):Mycarwasmakingaweirdnoise,soIpulledover.I’mgoingtogocheckifitpopped.
F(10:35PM):Hannahit’spastteno’clockatnight.Stayinthecar.LOCKTHEDOORSandcallatowtruck.
H(10:36PM):Yeah…Iwon’tknowhowtodescribewhereIamtothem.Oneofthemakeupartistsatworkhadaséance.IthinkI’minLosFeliz?
F(10:37PM):Youdon’tknowwhereyouare?
F(10:38PM):Thisismydream.It’shappening.
Premonition.
H(10:39PM):Comeon.Noway.
F(10:40PM):Youwerejustataséanceanddon’tgettobeskeptical.
H(10:41PM):Youknowwhat?That’sfair.
F(10:42PM):Mapyourlocationonyourphoneandcallatowtruck.
F(10:43PM):Please?
H(10:45PM):Areyouthisprotectiveofallyourfemalefriends?
F(10:48PM):You’retheonlyoneI’vegot.
H(10:49PM):Fine.I’mcallingatowtruck.
F(10:49PM):
November22
HANNAH(12:36AM):Areyouawake?
FOX(12:37AM):Wide.
H(12:38AM):Areyoualone?
F(12:38AM):Yes,Hannah.I’malone.
H(12:40AM):Let’sstart“LeavingonaJetPlane”attheexactsametimeandlistentoittogether.
F(12:41AM):Hangon.Ihavetodownloadit.
H(12:42AM):You’rekillingme.
F(12:42AM):Srymyphoneisn’tamusicencyclopedialikeyours.Whythissong?
H(12:44AM):IDK.Imissmysister.Alittleinmyfeelingsaboutit.Haveyouseenheraroundtown?
F(12:45AM):I’veseenherlipstickonBrendan’scollar.
Thatcount?
H(12:47AM):That’swhyI’mbuggingyou,insteadofher.
Idon’twanttobursttheirblissbubble.
F(12:48AM):You’renotbuggingme,Freckles.Okready?
H(12:48AM):Yup.Go.
F(12:51AM):It’scrazyhowmuchbetterthissongisthanIremember.WhyamInotlisteningtothisallthetime?
H(12:52AM):Nowyoucan.Isn’titamazing?
F(12:53AM):Uh-huh.DoIgettopicknext?
H(12:55AM):Oooh.Okay.Whatchagotforme,
Peacock?
F(12:57AM):Somethingtocheeryouup.YouhavetheScissorSistersinthatencyclopediaphone?
H(12:58AM):Studioalbumsorlive?Yestoboth.
F(12:59AM):Jesus,shouldhaveknown.Start“IDon’tFeelLikeDancin’”in3…2…1…
January1
FOX(12:01AM):HappyNewYear.
HANNAH(12:02AM):Sametoyou!Mayitbringyoucrabs.
F(12:03AM):Anyresolutions?
H(12:07AM):NormallyIwouldsayno.ButIwanttotakemorerisksthisyear.Putmyselfouttherealittlemoreworkwise,youknow?Don’tcopyme.YouareAT
CAPACITYonworkplacerisks.
F(12:09AM):HowelseamIgoingtogetcrabs?
H(12:10AM):Atarestaurant,likeanormalperson.
F(12:10AM):Ialwaysorderthesteak.
H(12:11AM):That’sironyforyou.
February5
FOX(9:10AM):It’sraininghere.Givemesomethingmoodytolistento.
HANNAH(9:12AM):Hmm.TheNational.Startwith“FakeEmpire.”
F(9:14AM):Onit.Gotanyplansforthisweekend?
H(9:17AM):Notreally.MyparentsareinAspen,soIhavethehousetomyself.Ihaveittomyselfalotlately.IkeepexpectingPipertowalkaroundthecornerinacharcoalmask.
F(9:18AM):Womenputcharcoalontheirfaces?
H(9:20AM):That’stame.Thereissuchathingasasnailfacial.
F(9:21AM):Jesus.I’mjustgoingtopretendIneverheardthat.
H(9:28AM):Doyouhaveplansthisweekend?HeadingtoSeattle?
F(9:35AM):That’salwaysapossibility.
F(9:36AM):Butit’smymother’sbirthday.Mightjustrunheroversomeflowersandsayhey.
H(9:38AM):You’reagoodson.DoessheevercomeseeyouinWestport?
F(9:45AM):No.Shedoesn’t.
F(9:46AM):Thanksforthemusicrec,Freckles.Textyoulater.
February14
HANNAH(6:03PM):HappyValentine’sDay!Doing
anythingspecial?
FOX(6:05PM):Godno.I’dratherlightmyselfonF(6:09PM):Areyou?Doingsomethingspecial?
H(6:11PM):Yes,sir.I’monadate.
F(6:11PM):Withwho??
H(6:15PM):Myself.Verycharming.Mightbetheone.
F(6:16PM):Lockthatgirldown.She’sthekindyoubringhometomom.
F(6:20PM):Doyouwanttobeonadate?Withsomeonebesidesyourself?
H(6:23PM):IDK.Itwouldn’tsuck?Unfortunately,mytypewouldprobablydefinethiswholeholidayasacommercialgimmick.Orhe’dbuymedeadrosestorepresenttheevilsofconsumerism.
F(6:26PM):That’saprettyspecifictype.Arewetalkingaboutyourdirectorcrush?Sergei,right?
H(6:28PM):Yes.Mysisterlikestoteasemeaboutpiningforstarvingartists.
F(6:29PM):Youlikethemdarkanddramatic,huh?
H(6:30PM):Careful!You’regoingtogivemeanorgasm.
F(6:30PM):Ifthatwastheplan,babe,you’dhavehadtwoalready.
F(6:33PM):Shit,Hannah.Sorry.Ishouldn’thavegonethere.
H(6:34PM):No,Iwenttherefirst.BlameitonthesingleglassofwineI’vehad.#lightweight
F(6:40PM):Apartfrombeingdarkanddramatic…
whatmakesamanyourtype?WhatiseventuallygoingtomakeamanTheOne?
H(6:43PM):Ithink…iftheycanfindareasontolaughwithmeontheworstday.
F(6:44PM):Thatsoundsliketheoppositeofyourtype.
H(6:45PM):Itdoes,doesn’tit?Mustbethewine.
H(6:48PM):He’llneedtohaveacabinetfullofrecordsandsomethingtoplaythemon,ofcourse.
F(6:51PM):Wellobviously.
February28
FOX(7:15PM):Howwasyourday?
HANNAH(7:17PM):Ithadsortofa“FastCar”byTracyChapmanfeelingtoit.
F(7:18PM):Like…nostalgic?
H(7:20PM):Yeah.Alittleblue.IthinkImissWestport?
F(7:20PM):Comehere.
F(7:23PM):Ifyouwant.
H(7:25PM):Iwish!Wejuststartedcastinganewmovie.
Notagreattime.
F(7:27PM):Haveyoukeptyourresolution?Totakemorerisksatwork?
H(7:28PM):Notyet.I’mworkinguptoit,tho.
H(7:29PM):Seriously.Aaaanyminutenow.(crickets)F(7:32PM):ThisiswhereIremindyouthatthefirsttimewemet,youwerefacingoffwithaboatcaptaintwiceyoursize,readytotearhislimbsoffforshoutingatyoursister.You’reabadass.
H(7:35PM):Thanksforthereminder.I’llgetthere.It’sjust…impostersyndrome,Iguess.Like,whatmakesmethinkI’mqualifiedtomakemoviesoundtracks?
F(7:37PM):Igetimpostersyndrome.
H(7:37PM):Youdo?
F(7:38PM):Ifyoucouldonlyhearmelaughing.
H(7:39PM):I…wishIcould.Hearyoulaughing.
F(7:40PM):Yeah.Wouldn’tmindhearingyourlaugh,either.
H(7:45PM):Howwasyourday,Peacock?
F(7:47PM):WorkedontheboatwithSanders,soashittonofSpringsteen.
H(7:49PM):Bluecollarboys.Makingmoney!Sweatinginjeans!Bandanasinpockets!
F(7:50PM):It’slikeyouwererighttherewithus.
March8
HANNAH(8:45AM):Hey.Ithinkyou’reoutontheboat.
H(8:46AM):Hopeyou’rebeingsafe.
H(9:02AM):Whenyou’reoutonthewaterandcan’ttextback,Ireallynoticeit.
H(9:03AM):Thelackofyou.
H(9:10AM):SoI’mgladwe’refriends.That’sallI’mawkwardlytryingtosay.
H(9:18AM):Ifyoudreamofmethistime,trydreamingIcanflyorturninvisible.OrthatmybestfriendisCher.
That’swaycoolerthanaflattire.
H(9:19AM):NotthatI’massumingyouregularlydreamofme.
H(9:26AM):Idon’tdreamofyouthatoften,ofcourse.
So.
H(9:39AM):Anyway.Talksoon!
ChapterOne
HannahBellingerhadalwaysbeenmoreofasupportingactressthanaleadinglady.Thehypegirl.Ifshe’dlivedinRegencyEngland,shewouldbethesecondateveryduel,butneverwieldthepistol.Thatdistinctionwasnevermoreobviousthannow,asshesatinthedarkauditionroomwatchingagirlwithpureleading-ladymaterialemotelikeherlifedependedonit.
Hannah’shandsdisappearedintothesleevesofhersweatshirtliketwinturtlesduckingintotheirshells,herhiddenfingerscurlingaroundtheclipboardinherlap.Hereitcame.Thebigfinale.AcrosstheStormBornproductionstudio,theirleadactorranthroughascenewiththeirfinalactresshopefuloftheday.SinceeightA.M.,thestudiohadbeenarevolvingdoorofwide-eyedingénues,anddidn’titfigurethatnotasingleoneofthemwouldclickwithChristianuntilHannahwaspastthepointofstarving,hermouthtastinglikestalecoffee?
Suchwasthelifeofaproductionassistant.
“Youforgottotrustme,”theredheadwhisperedbrokenly,tearscreatingtrailsofmascaradownhercheeks.Dang,thisgirlwasfire.EvenSergei,thewriteranddirectoroftheproject,washeldinararethrall,thetipofhisglassesinsertedbetweenhisfull,dreamylips,thatanklecrossedovertheoppositeknee,jiggling,jiggling.ThatwashisI’mimpressedposture.Aftertwoyearsofworkingashisproductionassistant—andnursingalong-unrequitedcrushontheman—Hannahknewallhistells.AndthisredheadcouldbettherentongettingcastinGloryDaze
SergeiturnedtoHannahwhereshehuddledinthecornerofthefreezingconferenceroomandraisedanexcitedblackeyebrow.Thesharedmomentoftriumphwassounexpected,theclipboardslidoffherlapandclatteredtotheground.Flustered,shereachedforitbutdidn’twanttolosethemoment
withthedirector,soshejackknifedandgaveSergeiathumbs-up.Onlytorememberherthumbwastrappedinsidethesleeveofhersweatshirt,creatingaweird,starfish-lookinggesturethathemissed,anyway,becausehe’dturnedbackaround.
Youabsoluteturnip,you
HannahreplacedtheclipboardinherlapandpretendedtowriteVerySeriousnotes.ThankGoditwasdarkintherearofthestudio.Noonecouldseethetomato-coloredtidalwavesurgingupherneck.
“Endscene!”Sergeicrowed,standingupfromthetableofproducersthatfacedtheauditionareatodeliveraslowclap.“Extraordinary.Simplyextraordinary.”
Theredhead,Maxine,beamedwhilesimultaneouslytryingtowipeawayherdrippingmascarawiththehemofherblackT-shirt.“Ohwow.Thankyou.”
“Thatfeltfine.”Christiansighed,signalingHannahforhiscoldbrew.
Ihavebeensummoned
Sherosefromherchairandsettheclipboarddown,retrievingtheactor’sbeveragefrominsidethemini-fridgealongthewallandbringingittohim.
Whensheheldoutthemetaltraveltumblerandhemadenomovetotakeit,shegrittedherteethandheldthestrawtohislips.Whenhehadthenervetolookherintheeyewhilesuckingnoisily,shestaredbackstone-faced.
Thisiswhatyouwanted
Aregularjobthatwouldallowhertoearnmoney—andnotrelyonthemanymillionsherstepfatherhadinthebank.Ifshedroppedherlastname,slurpyol’Christianwouldspitouthiscoldbrew.ButapartfromSergei,nooneknewthatHannahwasthelegendaryproducer’sdaughter,andthat’showshechosetokeepit.
Stepdaughter,shementallycorrectedherself.
Adistinctionsheneverwouldhavebotheredtomakebeforelastsummer
HadthattriptoWestportsixmonthsagoreallyhappened?Theweeksshe’dlivedabovethePacificNorthwestbar,restoringitlovinglywithhersisterintributetotheirbirthfather,seemedlikeahazydream.Oneshecouldn’tseemtoshake.Itrodeherconsciousnesslikedolphinsoutlinedinabarrelwave,makingherwistfulattheoddesttimes.Likenow,when
Christianwasbugginghisheartthrobeyesout,lettingherknowhewasreadyforstrawremoval.
“Thanks,”hehuffed.“NowI’mgoingtohavetopee.”
“Lookatthebrightside,”Hannahmurmured,soasnottointerruptaneffusiveSergei.“Therearemirrorsinthebathroom.Yourfavorite.”
Christiansnorted,allowingagrudgingupticktoonesideofhismouth.
“God,you’resuchabitch.Iloveyou.”
“…iswhatyousayintothemirrors?”
Theytradedalip-twitchingglare.
“IthinkIspeakfortheproductionteamwhenIsaywe’vefoundourLark,”Sergeisaid,comingaroundthetabletokissbothcheeksofthebouncingactress.“AreyouavailabletobeginshootinginlateMarch?”
Withoutwaitingforthegirltoanswer,Sergeipressedarowofknucklestohisforehead.“Iamseeinganentirelydifferentlocationfortheshootnow.
TheenergyChristianandMaxinecreatetogetherdoesnotworkagainstthebackdropofLosAngeles.I’mcertain.It’ssoearthy.Sooriginal.Theysandedtheedgesoffeachother.Weneedasofterlocation.ThesharpcornersofLAwillonlysnagthem,holdthemback.”
Hannahstilled,watchedthetableofproducerstradenervousglances.
Theartistictemperamentwasreal—andSergei’stendedtobemorevolatilethanmost.He’doncemadetheentirecrewwearblindfoldsonsetsotheywouldn’tdilutethemagicofascenebyviewingit.Everysetofeyesstripsanotherlayerofmystery!ButthattemperamentwasoneofthemainreasonsHannahgravitatedtowardthedirector.Heoperatedonchaos,bowingtothewhimsofcreativity.Hebelievedhischoicesanddidn’thavetimefornaysayers.
Realleading-manmaterial.
Whatwasthatlike?Tobethestarinthemovieofyourlife?
Hannahhadbeenplayingsecondfiddlesolong,shewasgettingarthritisinherfingers.Hersister,Piper,haddemandedthespotlightsincechildhood,andHannahwasalwayscomfortablewaitinginthewings,anticipatinghercuetowalkonasbestsupportingactress,evenprovidingbailmoneyonmorethanoneoccasion.Thatwaswheresheshined.Bolsteringtheheroineatherlowestpoint,steppingintodefendtheleadingladywhennecessary,sayingtherightthinginapivotalheart-to-heart.
Supportingactressesdidn’twantorneedtheglory.Theywerecontenttopropupthemaincharacterandbeinstrumentalintheirmission.AndHannahwascontentinthatrole,too.Wasn’tshe?
Amemorytrickledinwithoutherconsent.
Amemorythatmadeherjumpyforsomereason.
ThatoneafternoonsixmonthsagoatavinylconventioninSeattlewhenshe’dfeltlikethemaincharacter.BrowsingthroughrecordswithFoxThornton,kingcrabfishermanandalady-killerofthehighestcaliber.Whenthey’dstoodshouldertoshoulderandsharedapairofAirPods,listeningto
“SilverSprings,”theworldjustkindoffadingoutaroundthem.
Justananomaly.
Justafluke.
Restless,probablybecauseoftheninecupsofblackcoffeeshe’ddrunkthroughouttheday,HannahreturnedChristian’scoldbrewtothefridgeandwaitedontheperipherytoseewhatkindofcurveballSergeiwasabouttothrowtheteam.Honestly,shelovedhisleftturns,evenifnooneelsedid.
Thetempestofhisimaginationcouldnotbestopped.Itwasenviable.Itwashot
Thisguywashertype.
Shejustwasn’this,ifthelasttwoyearswereanyindication.
“WhatdoyoumeanyounolongerseeLosAngelesasthebackdrop?”
oneoftheproducersasked.“Wealreadyhavethepermits.”
“AmItheonlyonewhosawtherainfallinginthisscene?Thequietmelancholiaunfoldingaroundthem?”Whodidn’twanttodateamanwhodroppedthatkindofterminologywithoutbattinganeyelash?“WecannotpittherawvolumeofLosAngelesagainstthem.It’lldrownthemout.Weneedtoletthenuancethrive.Weneedtogiveitoxygenandspaceandsunlight.”
“Youjustsaidyouwantedtogiveitrain,”theproducerpointedoutdrily.
Sergeilaughedinthatwayartistsdowhensomeoneistoodensetograsptheirvision.“Aplantneedssunlightandwatertogrow,doesitnot?”HisfrustrationwascausinghisnormallylightRussianaccenttothicken.“Weneedamoresubtlelocationfortheshoot.Aplacethatwilllendfocustotheactors.”
Latrice,thenewlocationscout,raisedherhandslowly.“Like…TolucaLake?”
“No!OutsideofLosAngeles.Picture—”
“Iknowaplace.”Hannahsaiditwithoutthinking.Hermouthwasmoving,andthenthewordswerehangingintheairlikeacomic-stripquotebubble,toolatetopop.Everyoneturnedtolookatheratonce.Averyun–
supportingactresspositiontobein,evenifitwasrefreshingtohaveSergei’seyesonherlongerthantheusualfleetinghandfulofseconds.ItremindedHannah,ratherinconveniently,ofthewaysomeoneelsegaveherhisundividedattention,sometimespickinguponhermoodssimplyviatextmessage.
Sosheblurtedthenextpartinanattempttoblockoutthatuselessthought.“Lastsummer,IspentsometimeinWashington.AsmallfishingtowncalledWestport.”Shewasonlysuggestingthisfortworeasons.One,shewantedtosupportSergei’sideaandpossiblyearnherselfoneofthosefleetingsmiles.Andtwo,whatifshecouldsneakatriptoseehersisterinthenameofwork?CountingtheirbriefvisitatChristmas,she’donlyseenPiperandherfiancé,Brendan,onceinsixmonths.Missingthemwasaconstantacheinherstomach.
“Fishingvillage,”Sergeimused,rubbinghischinandstartingtopace,mentallyrewritingthescreenplay.“Tellmemoreaboutit.”
“Well.”Hannahunwrappedherhandsfrominsidehersleeves.Onedidnotpitchageniusdirector,alocationscout,andapanelofproducerswithherfistsballedinaUCLAsweatshirt.Alreadyshewascursingherdecisiontopileherstraw-coloredhairintoabaseballcapthismorning.Letusnotaddtothekid-sistervibe.“It’smoodyandmisty,setrightonthewater.
Mostresidentshavelivedtheresincetheywereborn,andthey’revery,um”—setintheirways,unwelcoming,wonderful,protective—“routine-oriented.Fishingistheirlivelihood,andIguessyoucouldsaythere’sanelementofmelancholythere.Forthefishermenwho’vebeenlost.”
Likeherfather,HenryCross.
Hannahhadtopushpastthelumpinherthroattocontinue.“It’squaint.
Haskindofaweatheredfeel.It’slike”—sheclosedhereyesandsearchedthroughhermentalcatalogueofmusic—“youknowthatbandSkinnyListerthatdoeskindofamoderntakeonseashanties?”
Theystaredbackatherblankly.
“Nevermind.Youknowwhatseashantiessoundlike,don’tyou?
Imagineapackedbarfullofcourageousmenwhofearandrespectthesea.
Imaginethemsingingodestothewater.Theoceanistheirmother.Theirlover.Sheprovidesforthem.Andeverythinginthistownreflectsthatloveofthesea.Thesaltmistintheair.Thescentofbrineandstormclouds.Theknowledgeintheeyesoftheresidentswhentheylookupattheskytojudgetheoncomingweather.Infear.Inreverence.Everywhereyougothere’sthesoundoflappingwateragainstthedocks,cawingseagulls,thehumofdanger…”HannahtrailedoffwhensherealizedChristianwasstaringatherlikeshe’dswappedhiscoldbrewforkittylitter.
“Anyway,that’sWestport,”shefinished.“That’showitfeels.”
Sergeisaidnothingforlongmoments,andsheforcedherselfnottofidgetintherareglowofhisattention.“That’stheplace.That’swhereweneedtogo.”
TheproducerswereshootingflamethrowersatHannahfromtheireyes.
“Wedon’thaveitinthebudget,Sergei.We’llhavetoapplyfornewpermits.Travelexpensesforanentirecastandcrew.Lodging.”
Latricetappedherclipboard,seemingkindofeagerforthechallenge.
“Wecoulddrive.It’satrek,butnotoutofthequestion…andskippingtheplanewouldsaveonfunds.”
“Letmeworryaboutthemoney,”Sergeisaid,wavingahand.“I’llcrowdsource.Putmyowncashtowardit.Whateverisnecessary.HannahandLatrice,you’llworkoutthepermitsandtraveldetails?”
“Ofcourse,”shesaid,agreeingtoaslewofsleeplessnights.
Latricenodded,shootingHannahawink.
Moreflamethrowersfromthemenwho’dbeensillyenoughtothinktheywereincharge.“Wehaven’tevenscoutedlocations—”
“Hannahwilltakecareofit.Sheobviouslyknowsthisplacelikethebackofherhand.Didyouhearthatdescription?”Sergeigaveheraonce-over,asifseeingherforthefirsttime,andhertoescurledinsideherredConverse.“Impressive.”
Don’tblush
Toolate.
Shewasacherrytomato.
“Thankyou.”Sergeinoddedandstartedcollectinghisthings,drapingawornleathersatcheloverhisslimshoulder,messinguphisdarkboyishlocksintheprocess.“We’llbeintouch,”hecalledtoMaxine,sailingoutofthestudio.
Andthat,astheysayinthebusiness,wasawrap.
***
Hannahescapedthecollectiveglareoftheproducersandjoggedfromtheroom,alreadydrawingthephonefromherbackpockettocallPiper.Sheduckedintotheladies’loungeforprivacy,butbeforeshecouldhitthecallbutton,Latricepoppedherheadinthroughthedoor.
“Hey,”shesaid,stickingathumbs-upthroughtheopening.“Goodjobinthere.I’vebeendyingtostretchmylegsalittle.Betweenus,we’vegotthis.”
ThankGodthey’dhiredLatricetotakelocation-scoutdutiesoffHannah’splate.Shewasadynamo.“We’vesogotthis.I’mstartinganemailtoyouassoonasImakethiscall.”
“Youbetter.”
Latricedippedoutagain,and,bolsteredbythevoteofconfidence,HannahdialedPiper.Hersisteransweredonthethirdringsoundingoutofbreath.
Followedbytheverydistinctgroanofbedsprings.
“Idon’tevenwanttoknowwhatyouweredoing,”Hannahdrawled.
“ButsayhitoBrendanforme.”
“Hannahsayshi,”Piperpurredtoherseacaptainfiancé,who’dobviouslyjustrungherbell,whichwasaconstanteventintheirhousehold.
AfactHannahunfortunatelyknewalltoowellafterlivingwiththemforacoupleofweeksoverthesummer.“What’sup,sis?”
Hannahhoppedupontothecounterbesidetheendsink.“Isyourguestroomfree?”
Arustleofsheetsinthebackground.“Why?OhmyGod.Why?”
Hannahcouldalmostseethewildflutterofhersister’shandsinthevicinityofherthroat.“Areyoucominghere?When?”
“Soon.”Thenshequalified:“Ifwecangetpermitstofilm.”
Abeatpassed.“PermitstofilminWestport?”
“PrettysureIjustconvincedSergeiit’stheonlyplaceonearththatwillworkforhisvision.”Hannahsniffed.“Mypowersofpersuasionoftengounrecognized.”
“Likehellafilmcrewiscominghere,”Brendansaidinthebackground.
Hannah’schestsqueezedatthefamiliarityofhersister’sebullientnaturesetalongsideherfiancé’sgrowly,no-bullshitpersonality.Shemissedthemsomuch.
“Tellthecaptainitwillonlybeforacoupleofweeks.I’llmakesuretoscrubtheHollywoodstinkoffeverypreciouscobblestonebeforeweleave.”
“Letmeworryabouthim,”Pipersaidplayfully.“He’sforgettingwhatagoodmoodI’llbeinhavingmysisterintown.Andofcourseyoucanstayhere,Hanns.Ofcourse.Just…Ihopeyou’renotplanningforthismonth?
Brendan’sparentsarecomingtovisitsoon.They’llbeusingtheguestroom.”
“Ooh.”Hannahwinced.“Ifwegetafastenoughturnaroundonthepermits,itcouldbelateMarch.Sergeiisonamission.”Hannahturnedonthecountertocheckherreflection,wincingatthehairstickingoutofthesidesofherballcap.“Butdon’tstress,Icanjuststaywherevertheyputupthecrew.Gettingtoseeyouwillbemorethanenough.”
“Can’tyoustallSergei?MaybetellhimWestportisextramoodyinApril?”
“Howdidyouknowhewasgoingforamoodyvibe?”
“HislastfilmwascalledFragmentedJoy,wasn’tit?”
“Validpoint.”Hannahlaughed,pressingthephonetightertoherear,tryingtofeelhersister’swarmthoverthephone.“Seriously,though.Don’tworryabouttheguest-roomthing.It’snobig—”
“Youknow,thereisoneposs…”Pipertrailedoff.“Nevermind.”
Hannah’sheadtiltedathersister’shastyretreat.“What?”
“No,really.Itwasabadidea.”
“Thentellme.Iwanttopooh-poohit,too.”
Piperhumphed.“IwasgoingtosaythatFoxhasthatemptybedroomathisplace.Andasyouknow,he’soutontheboatwithBrendanforlongstretches.But,like,he’salsohomeforstretches,whichiswhyit’sabadidea.ForgetIsaidit.”
Stupid,really.ThewayHannahsprangoffthecounteratthementionofthedevilishcharmer’snameandstartedshovingpiecesofherhairbackunderthebrimofherhat.“It’snotabadidea,”shesaid,automaticallydefendingFox,eventhoughtheyhadn’tseeneachotherinsixmonths.
Therehadonlybeenthedailytexts.
Thatshedefinitelywouldn’tbementioningtoPiper.
“We’refriendly.”Loweryourvoice.“We’refriends.”
“Iknowthat,Hanns,”Pipersaidindulgently.
“Andyouknow”—shedroppedhervolumeevenmore—“Istillhavethatthingforacertainsomeone.”WhyHannahsuddenlyfelttheneedtoprovetoPiper—andpossiblyherself—thatshewas,indeed,onlyfriendswithamanwhowentthroughwomenlikenickelsinaslotmachine,shehadnoidea.Butthereitwas.“StayingwithFoxisn’taterribleidea.Likeyousaid,he’llonlybetherehalfthetime.I’llbeabletokeepfoodinthefridge,whichIwon’tinahotelroom.Itwillslicealittleofftheproduction’sexpendituresandearnmepointswithSergei.”
“SpeakingofSergei,areyoufinallygoingtoaskhim?”
Hannahtookadeepbreath,glancingtowardthedoorofthebathroom.
“Yeah,Ithinkthismightbemymoment,sinceIjustprovedmyworthinthere.Thereisalreadyamusiccoordinatoronthepayroll,butI’mgoingtoasktoassist.It’sastepintherightdirection,atleast,right?”
“Damnright,”Pipersaid,clappingattherateofahummingbird’swingsinthebackground.“Yougotthis,bish.”
Maybe.
Maybenot.
Hannahclearedherthroat.“WillyoutalktoFoxformeaboutusingtheguestroom?HemightfeelpressuredifIaskhimdirectly.It’sjusttoputtheideaoutthere,incaseit’sMarchforsureandtheguestroomwillbetaken.”
Piperhesitatedbriefly.“Okay,Hanns.Loveyou.”
“Loveyou,too.Hugstothemeanone.”
HannahhungupthephoneonagigglefromPiperandtappedthedeviceagainsthermouth.Whywasherpulseracing?SurelynotbecausetherewasapossibilityshecouldoccupyaroominFox’sapartment.Theremighthavebeenaninescapableattractiontowardthereliefskipperthefirsttimetheymet,butafterhisphonepingedforthethousandthtimewithblatantbootycalls,itbecamewoefullyobviousthathisincrediblelookswereusedtohisadvantagewiththeoppositesex.
FoxThorntonhasnothertype.Hewasbadboyfriendmaterial.
Buthewasherfriend.
Herthumbhoveredoverthescreenofherphonemomentarilybeforetappingontheirtextthread,readingtheonehe’dsentlastnightjustbeforeshedriftedofftosleep.
FOX(11:32PM):TodaywasaHoziervibeforme.
HANNAH(11:33PM):MydaywassoveryAmy
Winehouse.
Therewasnothingfriendlierthansharingwhatkindofmusicdefinedtheirday.Itdidn’tmatterhowmuchshelookedforwardtothosenightlytexts.StayingwithFoximposednoriskwhatsoever.Itwaspossibletobejustfriendswithamanwhoexudedsex—andshewouldhavenoproblemprovingit.
Satisfiedwithherlogic,Hannahgotonthephoneandstartedorganizing.
ChapterTwo
Foxsettledbackintohiscouchcushionsandtippedabeertohislips,takingalongsiptodisguisetheurgetolaughattheseriousexpressionofthemansittingacrossfromhim.“Whatisthis,Cap?Anintervention?”
Itwasn’tthathe’dneverseenBrendanlookingdisgruntledbefore.Godknowshehad.Foxjusthadn’tseentheDellaRay’scaptainanythingbutblissfulforthelastsixmonthssincemeetinghisfiancée,Piper.Itwasalmostenoughtomakeamanwanttoreevaluatehispositiononrelationships.
Yeah.Right.
“No,it’snotanintervention,”Brendansaid,adjustingthebeanieonhishead.Thentakingitoffaltogetherandrestingitonhisknee.“Butifyoukeepputtingofftheconversationabouttakingoverascaptain,Imighthavetostageone.”
ThismarkedtheeighthtimeBrendanhadaskedhimtostepupandleadthecrew.Atfirst,he’dbeennothingshortofbaffled.Hadhegiventheimpressionhecouldberesponsibleforthelivesoffivemen?Ifso,itmusthavebeenanaccident.Hewascontenttotakeorders,dohisjobwell,andskedaddlewithhiscutofthehaul,whetherhisearningscamefromcrabsinthefallorfishingtherestoftheyear.
Thrivingunderpressurewasinakingcrabfisherman’sblood.He’dstoodbesideBrendanontheDellaRayandstareddeathintheeye.Morethanonce.Butbattlingnaturewasn’tthesameastakingchargeofacrew.
Makingdecisions.Owninguptothemistakeshewouldinevitablymake.
Thatwasadifferentkindofpressureentirely—andhewasn’tsurehewasbuiltforthat.Morespecifically,hewasn’tsurethecrewbelievedhewasbuilttoleadthem.Speakingfromalotofexperience,afishingvessel’s
teamneededtohavetotaltrustintheircaptain.Anyhesitationcouldcostamanhislife.Thoseassholesbarelytookhimseriouslyasahumanbeing,letaloneastheonegivingorders.
Yeah.Allheneededwasaplacetosleepandwatchbaseball,acoupleofbeersattheendofahardday,andawilling,lushbodyinthedark.
Althoughtheneedforthatlastonehadn’tbeenallthatpressinglately.
Hadn’tbeenpressingatall,really.
Foxpoppedhisjawandfocused.“Aninterventionwon’tbenecessary.”
Heshrugged.“Toldyou,I’mhonoredyou’dthinkofme,man.ButI’mnotinterested.”Hewedgedthebeerbottlebetweenhisthighsandreacheddowntostrokethebraidedleatherwrappedaroundhiswrist.“I’mhappytorelieveyouwhenyou’rebelowdecks,butI’mnotlookingforpermanent.”
“Yeah.”BrendaneyedFox’sbarrenapartmentpointedly.“Nokidding.”
Thatwasfairenough.Anyonewhowalkedintothetwo-bedroomoverlookingGraysHarborwouldassumeFoxwasintheprocessofmovingin,wheninrealityhe’djustpassedhissix-yearanniversaryintheplace.
Atthirty-one,hewasbackinWestport,withnoplanstoleave.Onceuponatime,he’dpurposelyattendedcollegeinMinnesota,butthatdidn’tturnoutsowell.Servedhimrightforthinkingthisplacewouldn’tsuckhimbackin.Italwaysdideventually.Leavingthefirsttimehadcosthimmostoftheingenuityhepossessed,andnow?Hechanneledwhatwasleftintofishing.
Andwomen.Orheusedto,anyway.
“HaveyouconsideredaskingSanders?”Foxforcedhimselftostopmessingwithhisbracelet.“Hecouldusetheextracutwiththebabyontheway.”
“Hebelongsondeck.Yourplaceisinthewheelhouse—that’sagutfeeling.”Brendandidn’tblink.“Thesecondboatisalmostfinished.I’llbeforminganewcrew,expanding.IwanttoleavetheDellaRayingoodhands.HandsItrust.”
“Jesus,youdon’tletup,”Foxsaidonalaugh,pushingtohisfeetandcrossingtothefridgeforanotherbeer,eventhoughhe’donlydrunkhalfofthefirst.Justforsomethingtodowithhishands.“Partofmeisalmostenjoyingthis.NoteverydayIgettotellthecaptainno.”
Brendangrunted.“I’mgoingtowearyoudown,youstubbornbastard.”
Foxgavehimatightsmileoverhisshoulder.“Youwon’t.Andyou’reonetocallsomeonestubborn,dudewhoworehisweddingringsevenextrayears.”
“Well,”Brendanrumbled.“Ifoundagoodreasontotakeitoff.”
Therehewent,lookingblissfulagain.
Foxchuckled,uncappedhissecondbeerwithhisteeth,andspatthecapintothesink.“Speakingofyourreasonforendingyourself-imposedcelibacy,shouldn’tyoubehomehavingdinnerwithher?”
“She’skeepingmyspaghettiwarmforme.”Brendanshiftedinhisseat,pinnedhimwithalaserlookthatwasfamousamongthecrew.IttranslatedtoSitdownandshutthehellup.“Ihadanotherreasonforcomingoverheretotalk.”
“Doyouneedadviceonwomenagain?Becauseyou’rewayoutofmydepthnow.Ifyou’reheretoaskmewhatyourfiancéewants,askmetorecitetheperiodictable,instead.There’sabetterchanceofmegettingthatright.”
“Idon’tneedadvice.”Brendanlookedathimhard.Closely.Onthehuntforbullshit.“Hannahiscomingtotown.”
Fox’sthroatclosedup.HewashalfwaytosittingdownwhenBrendansaidthosefivewords,sohetwistedatthelastsecond,stayinghalfturned,stuffinganunnecessarypillowbehindhisbacksohewouldn’thavetolookhisoldestfriendintheeye.And,God,howabsolutelypitifulwasthat?“Ohyeah?Whatfor?”
Brendansighed.Crossedhisarms.“Youknowshe’sstillworkingforthatproductioncompany.SomehowsheconvincedthemWestportwouldbeagoodplacetofilm.”
Fox’slaughtercrackedinthesparselivingroom.“Youmustbethrilled.”
ThecaptainwastheunofficialmayorofWestport.Hewasnotoriouslyamanoffewwords,butwhenhegavehisopiniononsomething,everyonedamnwelllistened.Insometowns,footballstarswererevered.Inthisplace,itwasthefishermen—andthatwentdoubleforthemanbehindthewheel.“Idon’tcarewhattheydoaslongastheystayoutofmyhair.”
“PeoplefromLAstayingoutofyourhair,”Foxmused,forcinghimselftodelaytheconversationaboutHannah.Likesomekindofweird,self-inflictedpunishment.“Howdidthatworkoutlasttime?”
“That’sdifferent.ItwasPiper.”Well,I’llbedamned.Thetipsoftheman’searswerered.“Anyway,myparentswillbeherevisitingwhilethiswholefilmingbusinessisgoingon.That’swhyHannahcan’tuseourguestroom.”
Hefeignedannoyance.“Soyouofferedmine.”
ItwashardtotellifBrendanwasbuyinghisact.“Piperhadkindofnixedtheidea,butHannahseemedinterested.”
Fox’sthumbnaildugintothebeerlabelandrippedacleanstripdowntheside.“Really.Hannahwantstostayhere?”Whywerehispalmsturningdamp?“Howlongaretheygoingtobefilming?Howlongwouldshestay?”
“Twoweeksorso.Figuredshe’dhavetheplacetoherselfhalfthetime,whenwe’reoutontheboat.”
“Right.”
Buttheotherhalfofthetime,theywouldbetheretogether.
HowthehellwasFoxsupposedtofeelaboutthat?
Moreimportantly—andthiswasaquestionheaskedhimselfwaytoooften—howthehellwashesupposedtofeelaboutHannah?He’dnever,notonce,hadagirlforafriend.Lastsummer,Hannahandhersisterhadcrash-landedinWestport,tworichgirlsfromLAwho’dbeenstrippedoftheirallowancesbyDaddy.FoxhadonlybeentryingtohelpBrendannursehiscrushonPiperbydistractingtheyoungersiblingwithawalktotherecordstore.
Thenthey’dgonetothevinylconventiontogether.Spentthelastsixmonthstextingeachotherabouteverythingunderthesun…andshe’dhadthenervetocrawlupunderhisskininawaythatmadeabsolutelynosensetohim.
Sexwasanon-possibilitybetweenthem.
Thathadbeenestablishedearlyon,forahostofreasons.
Numberonebeingthathedidn’tfishlocalwaters.
Ifheneededthecompanyofawoman—andheshouldreallygetbacktodoingthatkindofthingsometime—hewenttoSeattle.Nochanceofaccidentallysleepingwithsomeone’ssisterorwifeorcousin’scousin,andhecouldwashhishandsofthewholeencounterafterward.ReturntoWestportwithnochanceofbumpingintoahookup.Easy.Nomuss,nofuss.
Thesecondreasonhecouldn’tsleepwithHannahwastheverymansittinginhislivingroom.Foxwasreadtheriotactlastsummer.Itwassearedintohismemory.SleepingwithPiper’slittlesisterwouldspelldisaster,becauseifshegotattached,Foxwouldundoubtedlyhurtherfeelings.Andthatwouldmakehiscaptainandbestfriend’slifehell,becausetheBellingersistersstucktogether.
ButFoxhadathird,andmostimportant,reasonforkeepinghishandsoffHannah.Shewashisfriend.Shewasawomanwhogenuinelylikedhimforsomethingotherthanhisdick.Anditmadehimfeelterrifyinglygoodtobearoundher.Totalktoher.
Theyhadfun.Madeeachotherlaugh.
Thewayshetranslatedsonglyricsoutloudmadehimthink.Inthesixmonthsthatshe’dbeengone,he’dnoticedthesunrisemore.He’dstartedpayingattentiontostrangers,theiractions.Listeningtomusic.Evenhisjobseemedtohavemoregravitytoit.Hannahdidthatsomehow.Madehimlookaroundandconsider.
Brendanwasstaringathim,browsdrawn.Uncomfortable.
“OfcourseHannahcanstayhere.Butareyousureit’sagoodidea?”Hisstomachdrewinonitself.“Peoplemightnoticeshe’sstayinghere.Withme.”
Thecaptainhedged.“Ithinkcertainspeculationmightbeparforthecourse.Aslongaswhatfolksarespeculatingonisn’treallyhappening.”
“Sayitplainly.”Foxmadeanimpatientsound,growingincreasinglyawareofwhatwascoming.“Tellmenottofuckher.”
Thecaptainrubbedthecenterofhisforehead.“Look,Ihatehavingtosaythistoyoumorethanonce.Feelslikeoverkilland…Jesus,yoursexlifeisyourownbusiness,butitcouldbedifferentwithherstayinghere.
Closequartersandallthat.”
Foxrefusedtomaketheconversationeasyforhisfriend.AndhesuspectedBrendanhadknownthatcominghere.Theyweremenwhoregularlytookresponsibilityforeachother’slives.Theydidn’tlectureeachother.Itwasoverkill.Maybethatwaswhytheconversationhitbelowthebeltthistime,whenbeforeitfeltmorelikeaminorslap.
WhenthesilenceextendedwithoutFoxsayinganything,Brendansighed.“She’smyfuturesister-in-law.She’snottemporaryinanyway,
okay?Handsoff.”Hemadeadecisivegesture.“That’sthelasttimeI’llbringitup.”
“Areyousure?Icanpencilyouinfortomorrow—”
“Don’tbeajackass.”Theybothvisiblyshookofftheirirritation,adjustingshirtcollarsandpretendingtobeinterestedinthetelevision.“Weprobablydidn’tevenneedtohavethisconversation,consideringshe’sstillgotacrushonthisdirectorguy.Sergei.”Brendantappedhisknee.“AmIsupposedtodosomethingaboutthatsituation,too?GothreatentobreakhisjawifhetakesadvantageofHannah?”
“No.Christ,it’snottheguy’sfaultshelikeshim.”Foxsaidthewordsinabursttorelievethepressingweightonhischest.He’dknownaboutthiscrushofHannah’ssincesummerandshe’dstillbeenpiningforhiminFebruary,soithadprobablybeenstupidofhimtohopetheinfatuationhadrunitscourse.Itwasn’thisfavoritesubjecttodiscuss.Onaccountofanymentionofthedirectormakinghimwanttokickaholethroughhisdrywall.
“You’regoingtobebusywithyourparentswhileHannahishere.I’llkeepaneyeonit,ifyouwant.Thisthingwiththedirector.”
WhyonGod’sgreenearthdidheoffertodothat?
Notadamnclue.
Buthe’dbelyingifBrendan’simmediategratitudedidn’teasethestingoftheirpriorconversation.Foxmightbeamanwhore,buthecouldbetrustedtoprotectsomeone’sback.He’dmadeacareeroutofit.“Yeah?”
Foxjerkedashoulder,tookasipofhisbeer.“Sure.IfIthinksomethingisdevelopingthere,I’ll…”Sabotagecametomind.“Makesureshe’ssafe.”Hedidn’tevenwanttoexplorewhythosewordsspreadlikewarmhoneyonhisagitatednerveendings.ProtectingHannah.Whataresponsibilitythatwouldbe.“Notthatsheisn’tcapableofthatherself,”headdedquickly.
“Right,sure,”Brendansaid.Alsoquickly.“Evenso…”
“Uh-huh.Watchhimlikeahawk.”
Brendanfilleduphisbarrelchestandletoutagustingexhale,slappingthearmofhischair.“Well.ThankGodthisisover.”
Foxpointedhisbeerstraightahead.“Door’sthatway.”
Thecaptaingruntedandtookhisleave.Foxdidn’tevenpretendtobeinterestedinhisbeerafterthat.Instead,hegotupandcrossedtheroom,stoppinginfrontofthecabinethe’dpickedupatarummagesale.Buying
furniturewentagainsthisgrain,buthe’dneededsomewheretostorethevinylrecordshe’dstartedcollecting.He’dboughthisfirstontheirtriptoSeattle.TheRollingStones.ExileonMainSt.EvenHannahhadapprovedwhenhe’dpickeditoutattherecordconvention.
Anyway,thedamnthinghadstartedlookinglonely,justsittingthereallbyitself,sohe’dwalkedovertoDiscNDatandpurchasedafewmore.
Hendrix,Bowie,theCranberries.Classics.Thestackhadgrownsomuch,itfeltalmostaccusatoryinitssilence,so—aftertryingtotalkhimselfoutofitforacoupleofweeks—he’dorderedarecordplayer.
Foxreachedbackbehindthecabinetwherehekeptthekey,slidingitoutoftheleatherpouch.Heunlockedthedoorandlookedattheverticalrainbowofalbums,onlyhesitatingforasecondbeforepullingoutMadness.
Droppingtheneedleon“OurHouse.”Afterlisteningtoitallthewaythrough,hepulledouthisphoneandstartedthesongagain,recordinganaudioclipandfiringitHannah’sway.
Afewminuteslater,shesenthimbackaclipoftheGoldenGirlsthemesong.
Throughmusic,they’djustacknowledgedshe’dbestayinginhisguestroom—andthiswashowithadbeensincesheleft.Foxwaitingforthemessagestostop,holdinghisbreathattheendofeveryday,onlyreleasingitwhenthetextcame.
Swallowing,heturnedandlookedattheguestroom.HannahwasinLA.
Thiswasafriendshipbasedonsomethingmore…purethanhewasaccustomedto.Anditwassafe.Textingwassafe.Awayofofferingmoretosomeonewithoutgivingupeverything.
Wouldhebeabletokeepthatupwithherlivinginthesameapartment?
ChapterThree
Fortwoweeks,HannahandLatricehadworkedovertimetomakethelocationswapfromLAtoWestporthappeninthenameofartisticvision.
Westportbusinessownershadbeenfinessed,thechamberofcommercefluffed.Permitssealedandhousingnaileddown.NowtheywereT-minustenminutesuntilthecharteredbusreachedthesmallWashingtonfishingvillage.
IfHannahwasgoingtomakeprofessionalstridesduringthefilmingofGloryDaze,itwasnowornever.ShefinallyhadtowomanupandaskSergeifortheopportunity,becauseassoonasthebuspulledtoastop,he’dhitthegroundrunningandshe’dmissherchance.
Stallingshamefully,Hannahsunkdowninthepleatherseatandscrubbedherhandsoverherface.SheyankedoutherAirPods,cuttingoffDylan’sgreatesthits,andshovedthedevicesintoherpockets.Reachingup,sheremovedherballcap,runningnervousfingersthroughherhairseveraltimes,strugglingtoseeherreflectioninthewindow.Hermovementsstilledwhensherealizedtheimpromptuprimpsessionwasn’tworking.ShestilllookedlikeaPA.Thelowestwomanonthefoodchain.
DefinitelynotsomeoneSergeiwouldtrustwithanentirefilmsoundtrack.
Shefloppedbackintheseat,kneejiggling,andlettheraucoussoundsofthebusdrownouthersigh.Overthetopoftheseatinfrontofher,shewatchedSergeiandBrinley,themusiccoordinator,leantheirheadstogethertoconverseandthenbreakapartlaughing.
Now,Brinley?
Shewasleading-ladymaterial.Atailored,tasteful,bobbed-brunettetransplantfromNewYorkwhohadadifferentstatementnecklaceforevery
outfit.Awomanwhowalkedintoaroomandgotthejobsheappliedfor,becauseshedressedforit.Becausesheexudedconfidenceandexpectedherdue.
AndBrinleyhadHannah’sdreamjob.
Twoyearsago,Hannahhadpurposefullyaskedherstepfathertofindheralow-levelpositionataproductioncompany,andhe’dtappedSergeiatStormBorn.AtHannah’srequest,herstepfatherhadaskedhiscasualacquaintancetobediscreetabouttheirconnection,soshecouldbejustHannah,asopposedtofamedproducerDanielBellinger’sstepkid.Shehadabachelor’sinmusichistoryfromUCLA,butsheknewnothingaboutfilm.
Ifshe’dleanedharderonherstepfather’sname,sheprobablycouldhavelandedaproducerposition,butwherewasthefairnessinthatwhenshedidn’tknowtheindustry?Ithadbeenachoicetolearnfromthesidelines.
Andshehad.Beinginchargeofboatloadsofpaperworkandrecordkeepingmeantshe’dhadalotofopportunitiestostudyBrinley’scuesheets,synchronizationcontracts,andnotes.Noonetechnicallyknewshe’dtakenaquietinterestinthatsideoftheproductioncompany.Hannahstilllackedhands-ontraining,buttwoyearslater,shewasreadytomoveuptheranks.
SheobservedSergeiandBrinleywithaholeinherstomach.
Theywerebehind-the-scenestalent,butapproachingthemwasjustlikewalkinguptotheleadactors.Still,shewasgrowingwearyofholdingChristian’sstrawandgettingslurpedon.
Asalt-airbreezefilteredinthroughthecrackedbuswindow.Whileitjoltedherwithnostalgia,kissingherskinwithwelcomewhereverittouched,italsotoldHannahtheywerereallyclosetoWestport.Ifshewantedtomaketheslighteststeptowardprogress,sheneededtoactnow.
Hannahrolledhershouldersbackandshovedthebaseballcapintohertotebag,ignoringthecuriouslooksfromcastandcrewasshepickedherwayuptothefrontofthebus.Herpulsetickedinthebaseofherneck,moisturefleeingfromhermouth.WhenshedrewevenwithSergeiandBrinley,theysmiledexpectantly.Kindly.Asin,Kindlyexplainwhyyou’reinterruptingourconversation
Notforthefirsttime,shewonderedifBrinleyandSergeiweresecretlyseeingeachother,butthegapofpleatherseatbetweenthem—andtherockonBrinley’sfingerfromsomeoneelse—spoketothembeingjustfriends.
Factwas,thetwoofthemhadtoworkclosely.Coordinatingmusicformovieswasanintricateprocess,thescoreoftencraftedinpostproduction.
ButStormBornhadtheirownwayofcompilingthetracklistthatwouldplaybeneaththedialogueorduringmontages.Theycreateditwhilethefilmingprocesstookplace,relyingheavilyonthemoodofthemoment(read:Sergei’swhims).Andtheytendedtousemusicthatalreadyexistedandtrimmeditdownaccordingly,ratherthancreatingmusictofitthefilm.
Hannahcouldn’tdreamofanythingbetterthansummingupadistinctmomentwiththerightsong.Tohelpweavetogethertheatmosphere.Musicwasthebackboneofmovies.Ofeverything.OnelinefromasongcouldhelpHannahdefineherownfeelings,andtheopportunitytoputthatpassiontoartwassomethingshespenteverydaywanting.
Askthem.Thebusisalmostthere
“Um…”
Oh,goodopener.Afillerword.
Hannahdugdeepforthegirlwho’dbeenbraveenoughtopitchWestporttoaroomfullofproducersandtalent.Shewasstartingtothinkhernostalgiaforthisplacehadspokenonherbehalf.“Brinley.Sergei,”
Hannahsaid,makingherselflookthembothintheeyes.“Iwaswonderingif—”
Ofcoursethebuschosethatmomenttostop.
AndofcourseHannahwastoobusyadjustingherclothingandtwistingherringsandgenerallyfidgetingtocatchholdofanythingthatmightpreventherfromsprawlingsidewaysdownthecenteroftherow.Shelandedhardonhershoulderandhip,hertempleconnectingwiththefloor.
Atrulyhumiliatingooflaunchedfromhermouth,followedbythemostdeafeningsilencethathadeveroccurredonplanetEarth.
Noonemoved.Hannahdebatedthemeritsofcrawlingunderoneoftheseatsuntiltheworldhadthedecencytoend,butthoughtsofhidingvanishedwhenSergeihoppedacrossBrinleyandsteppedoverHannah’slegs,bendingdowntohelpherbacktoherfeet.
“Hannah!”Hiseyesranoverher,toptobottom.“Areyouokay?”
Withoutwaitingforananswer,Sergeidirectedanangrylooktowardthefrontofthebuswherethedriversatwatchingthem,unfazed.“Hey,man.
Howaboutmakingsureeveryoneisseatedbeforehittingthebrakes?”
Hannahdidn’thaveachancetorightfullyclaimtheblame,becauseSergeiwasalreadyusheringheroffthebuswhileeveryonestaredopenmouthedatthePAwiththegrowingknotonherhead.Yup,shecouldalreadyfeelitforming.GoodGod.She’dfinallymusteredupthecouragetoaskifshecouldobservethesoundtrackprocess.Nowshemightaswelljustquitandstartlookingforpositionsasasandwich-boardoperator.
Although,therewereworseconsequencestostupiditythanhavingthedreamydirector’sarmaroundhershoulders,helpingheroffthebus.Thisclose,shecouldsmellhisaftershave,kindofanorangeyclovescent.ItwasjustlikeSergeitopicksomethinguniqueandunexpected.Shelookedupintohisexpressiveface,attheblackhairthatmetinthemiddleofhisheadinasubtlefaux-hawk.Hisgoateewasengineeredtoperfection.
Ifshewasn’tcareful,she’dreadtoomuchintohisconcern.She’dstarttowonderifmaybeSergeicouldlearntoloveanaccident-pronesupportingactressinsteadofaleadinglady,afterall?
Realizingshewasstaring,Hannahtoreherwistfuleyesoffthemanshe’dbeencrushingonfortwoyears—andsawFoxcrossingtheparkinglotintheirdirection,hisstrikingfaceamaskofalarm.“Hannah?”
Hermindmadeascratchyhummingsound,liketheonearecordmakesinbetweensongs.Probablybecauseshe’dcommunicatedwiththismaneverydayforsix—no,nearlyseven—monthsnowbutneverheardhisvoice.Perhapsbecausehisidentityhadbeenwhittleddowntowordsonascreen,she’dforgottenthathecommandedattentionlikeagrandfinaleoffireworksinthenightsky.
Withoutturningaround,shekneweverystraightwomanhadherfacepressedupagainstthewindowsofthebus,watchingthemaestrooffemininewetnesscrosstheroad,hisdarkblondhairblowingaroundinthewind,thelowerhalfofhisfacecoveredinunruly,unshapedstubble,darkerthanthehaironhishead.
Withthatpretty-boyface,hereallyshouldhavebeensoft.Usedtogettinghisway.Maybe,possiblyevenshort.God,ifyou’relistening?Butinsteadhelookedlikeatroublemakerangelthatgotbootedoutofheaven,alltallandwell-builtandresilientandcapable-looking.Ontopofeverythingelse,hehadtohavethemostdangerousjobintheUnitedStates,theknowledgeoffearandnatureandconsequencesinhissea-blueeyes.
ThereliefofseeingFoxpracticallybowledherover,andshestartedtocalloutagreeting,untilsherealizedthefisherman’sgravitational-pulleyeswerehominginonSergei,settingoffatectonicshiftofplatesinhischeeks.
“Whathappenedtoher?”Foxbarked,bringingeverythingbacktoregularspeed.Wait.Whendidhersurroundingsgointoslowmotiontobeginwith?
“Ijustfellonthebus,”Hannahexplained,proddingherbumpedheadandwincing.Great,she’dsplitherskinslightlyaswell.“I’mfine.”
“Comeon,”Foxsaid,stillbird-doggingSergei.“I’llpatchyouup.”
Shewasabouttoraiseaskepticalbrowandasktoseehismedicaldegree,butthensherememberedastoryPiperhadtoldher.FoxhadoncegivenBrendanmakeshiftstitchesforableedingforeheadwound.Allwhilekeepinghisbalanceduringahurricane.
Suchwasthelifeofakingcrabfisherman.
Couldn’thejustbesupershort?Wasthatsomuchtoask?
“I’mfine,”shesaid,pattingSergei’sarm,lettinghimknowshewasokaytostandonherown.“Unlessyouhaveacureforprideinyourfirst-aidkit?”
Foxlickedtheseamofhislips,browsstilldrawn,andhisattentionslidbacktowardthedirector.“We’lltakeacloserlookwhenwegethome.YouhaveabagIcancarryorsomething?”
“I…”Sergeistarted,lookingatHannahasiftherewassomethingnewaboutherandhewantedtofigureoutwhatitwas.“Ididn’trealizeyouwere…soclosetoanyoneintown.”
Close?ToFox?Sevenmonthsago,shewouldhavethoughtthatastretch.Now?Itwasn’texactlyalie.Lately,she’dbeentalkingtohimmoreoftenthanPiper.“Well—”
Foxcutheroff.“Weshouldgetthatbumplookedat,Freckles.”
“Freckles,”Sergeiechoed,checkinghernoseforspots.
Wassomethingafoothere?
Bothmenwereinchingtowardhersubtly,likeshewasthelastsliceofpizza.
“Um.Mybagisintheluggagecompartmentofthebus.”
“I’llgetit,”theysaidatthesametime.
Washerheadwoundreleasingsomekindofalphapheromone?
FoxandSergeisizedeachotherup,clearlyreadytoargueaboutwhowasgoingtogetherbag.Thewayherdaywasgoing,itwouldprobably
ensueinatug-of-war,thezipperwouldbreak,andherunderpantswouldraindownlikeconfetti.“I’llgrabit,”Hannahsaid,beforeeitheroneofthemcouldspeak,hotfootingitawayfromthemasculinitymaelstrombeforeitaffectedherbrain.
SheturnedforthebusjustasBrinleyglideddownthestairs,givingFoxacuriouslookthatHannahwasamazedtosee,thankstothewindow’sreflection,hedidn’treturn.Thosesea-blueswerefastenedonherbump,instead.Probablytryingtodecidewhichneedletousetomutilateher.
“Sergei,”Brinleycalled,twistingherearring.“Iseverythingokay?”
“Yes,totallyfine,”Hannahanswered,beeliningfortheluggagecompartmentandattemptingtoopenit.Everyonewatchedasshejerkedonthehandle,laughed,yankedmoreforcefully.Laughedagain,thenslammedherhipintoit.Noluck.
Beforeshecouldtryathirdtime,Foxreachedpastherandopeneditwithaflickofhistanwrist.“You’rehavingashitday,aren’tyou?”hesaidforherearsalone.
Sheexhaled.“Yeah.”
Hemadeahummingsound,tiltedhisheadsympathetically.“TellmewhichbagisyoursandI’llbringyoubacktomyplace.”Gently,hetuggedonastrandofherhair.“Makeitallbetter.”
Itwastotallypossibleshe’dhitherheadandendedupinaneroticsexdreamwithFoxThornton.Itwouldn’tbethefirsttime—notthatshewouldadmittothatinacourtoflaw.Oreventohersister.Therewassimplynowaytocombatthesubtletransmissionshegaveoffthatscreamed,I’mgoodatsex.Like,really,reallygood.Shewaspowerlessagainstit.Thingwas,thatwentforeveryotherwomanhecameintocontactwith,too.Andshehadnointerestinbeingoneofthousands.That’swhytheywerefriends.
Hadn’tthatbeenestablished?Whywashehittingonher?
“How…?Whatdoyoumeanbythat?Thatyou’llmakemydaybetter.
Howareyougoingtodothat?”
“Iwasthinkingicecream.”Hegaveherasmilethatcouldonlybelongtoanirreverentrascal—and,Lord,she’dforgottenaboutthedimples.
Dimples,forcryingoutloud.“Why?Whatwereyouthinking?”
Hannahhadnoideawhatherreplywasgoingtobe.Shestartedtostammersomething,buttheviewofSergeiandBrinleystrollingtowardtheharbortogethermadethewordscatchinherthroat.Hedidn’tglanceback
once.Obviouslyshe’dimaginedthenewsparkofinterestshe’dseeninthedirector’seyes.Hewasjustbeingagoodbossbymakingsureherheadinjurywasn’tserious.
Tearingherattentionoffthepair,shefoundFoxwatchingherclosely.
AfterfallingandbeingescortedoffthebusbySergei,shemusthavebeeninastateofdistraction.Nowthatitwasjustthetwoofthem—
althoughAngelenoswerebeginningtofileoffthebus—abubbleofgratitudeandfondnessroseupinhermiddleandburst.She’dmissedthisplace.Itheldsomeofhermosttreasuredmemories.AndFoxwasapartofthem.HistextmessagesoverthelastsevenmonthshadallowedhertoholdontoapieceofWestportwithoutintrudingonhersister’sbliss.Sheappreciatedhimforthat,soshedidn’tsecond-guessherdecisiontohughim.Withalaugh,shesimplywalkedintohisarmsandinhaledhisoceanscent,smilingwhenhelaughedaswell,rubbingthecrownofherheadwithhisknuckles.
“Hey,Freckles.”
Sherubbedhercheekonthegraycottonofhislong-sleevedshirt,steppedback,andshovedhimplayfully.“Hey,Peacock.”
Noonewashittingonanyone.Orpullingalphamoves.
Friends.That’swhatthisrelationshipwas.
Shewasn’tgoingtomessthatupbyobjectifyinghim.TherewasmoretoFoxthanachiseledface,thickarms,andanairofdanger.Justliketherewasalotmoretoherthanbeingacoffeeholderandnotetaker.
Foxseemedtonoticetheglumnesseclipseherjoy,becausehepickeduptheonlyblackbaginthepile—correctlyassumingitwashers—andthrewhisoppositearmaroundhershoulders,guidinghertowardtheapartmentbuildingwherehelived,acrossfromthedocks.“Youletmefixyournoggin,I’llthrowinacookiewiththaticecream.”
Sheleanedintohimandsighed.“Deal.”
ChapterFour
You’reofftoafinestart,idiot
AfterhisinterventionwithBrendan,he’dhadafewweekstositonthefactthatHannahwascomingtostaywithhim.Alotofthattimehadbeenspentoutonthewater,theultimateheadclearer.Itwasgoingtobenoproblem.Agirlwouldbesleepinginhisguestroom.He’dbeintheotherroom.Withnoexpectationofsex.Great.
Causalsexwaseasierthanthis.
BeforeHannah,Foxhadreliedonhispersonalityagrandtotalofonceinhislifewhenitcametoawoman.Hisoneandonlyseriousrelationshiphadn’tgoneoverwell,mostlybecauseithadonlybeenserioustohim.Hiscollegegirlfriend’sperspectivehadbeenentirelydifferent.Yeah,Foxhadlearnedthehardwaythathecouldn’tescapetheassumptionspeoplemadeabouthim—thathewastemporaryentertainment.Growingup,he’dachedtoescapethistownandtherolehisface—andtobefair,hisactions—hadcarvedoutforhim.God,he’dtried.Butthoseexpectationsfollowedhimeverywhere.
Sohe’dstoppedtrying.
Ifyou’relaughingwiththem,theycan’tlaughatyou,right?
LookingdownatthecrownofHannah’shead,Foxswallowedhard.
TheywerewalkingpastBlowtheManDown,andhecouldpracticallyheareverystoolintheplaceswivelingtowatchFoxescortHannahtowardhisapartment.Theywouldbemakingjokes.Chucklingintotheirbeers.
Speculating.And,shit,howcouldheevenblamethem?Mostofthetime,Foxwastheonemakingjokesabouthimself.
HowwasSeattle?theywouldaskhim,eagertobeentertainedbyhisexploits.Distractedfromtheirfishingstoriesforamoment.
Filthyplace,he’dsay,winkingatthem.Filthy.
NowhehadthenervetoputhisarmaroundHannah?Distractinglypretty,endlesslyinteresting,not-after-his-dickHannah.TheyweretheBigBadWolfandLittleRedRidingHoodcrossingthestreetinfrontofthedocks,herno-nonsensebagdanglingfromhisfreehand.Andwhentheystoppedinfrontofhisbuildingsohecouldunlockthedoor,FoxwaspainfullyawareofHannahglancingbackfromwherethey’dcome,hopingtocatchaglimpseofherdirector.
He’dneverbeenjealousoveragirlinhislife.Exceptforthisone.Whenhe’dcaughtsightofSergeibundlingHannahdownthestairsofthebus,hisheadduckedtowardherinconcern,thatuglygreenhadsplashedacrosshisvisionlikearoguewaveacrossthedeck,remindinghimofthefirsttimehe’dheardthedirector’sname.Hisfirstimpulsehadbeentobreaktheguy’snose—theoppositeofwhatheshouldbedoing.IfHannahwashisfriend,whywouldhewanttomessupherbuddingromance?
Maybehewasjealousinafriendlyway?
Atotalpossibility.
Peoplegotjealousovertheirfriends.Right?ItstoodtoreasonthatFox’sfirstfemalefriendwouldbetheonetoinspirethefeeling.Hedidcovetthisrelationship,eventhoughitscaredhim.Ifhewasascale,hopewouldsitononeside,fearontheother.Hopethathecouldbemorethanahookuptoher.Fearthathe’dfailatitandbeexposed.
Again.
“Thankyouforlettingmecrash,”Hannahsaid,smilingupathim.“Ihopeyoudidn’ttakedownalltheBaywatchpostersonmyaccount.”
“IhidtheminmyclosetwithmyFarrahFawcettcenterfold.”Thatgotalaughoutofher,butFoxcouldseeshewasstilldistractedbysomething.Ittookhimtheentirewalkupthestairstoconvincehimselfhewouldn’tmakeitworsebybringingitup.“So…”hesaid,openinghisapartmentdoor,tippinghisheadtoindicatesheshouldenter.Thefirstgirlhe’deverbroughttohisplace.Nobigdealatall.“Youwanttotellmewhat’sbotheringyou?”
Shesquintedaneye.“Didyoumissthewholehead-injurything?”
“Definitelynot.”Ifhedidn’tgetantisepticonthecutsoon,hewasgoingtosweatthroughhisshirt.“Butthat’snotwhat’sbuggingyou.”
Hannahwalkedoverhisthreshold,hesitatedlikeshewasgoingtocomeclean,thenstopped.“Iwaspromisedicecreamandacookie.”
“Andyou’llgetit.Iwouldn’tlietoyou,Freckles.”Hesetdownherbagbyhissmall,two-personkitchentable,searchingherfaceforsomeindicationofhowshefeltabouthisapartment.“Comeon.”
Itwaspurelyhisnaturetodistracthimselfwithsomethingphysical.OnesecondHannah’sfeetwereplantedontheground,thenexthe’dpluckedherupandsettledherontohiskitchencounter.He’dperformedtheactionwithoutathought.Atleastuntilherprettylipspoppedopeninsurpriseasherbutthitthesurfaceofthecounter.Thefeelofherwaistlingeredonhispalms,andhewasdefinitelythinkingthenaboutthingsheshouldn’t.
Reelinghishandsback,Foxclearedhisthroathard.Hesteppedtothesidetoopenacabinetandremovedhisbluemetalfirst-aidkit.“Talk.”
Sheshookherheadasiftoclearit.Thenopenedhermouth,closeditagain.“RememberhowItoldyouIwantedtoassertmyselfmoreatwork?”
“Yeah.Youwanttomakeashifttosoundtracks.”
She’dtoldFoxaboutherdreamsofcompilingsonglistsforfilmslastsummer,namelythedaythey’dgonetotherecordexpotogether.Foxrememberedeverysinglethingaboutthatday.Everythingshe’dsaidanddone.Howgooditfelttobewithher.
Realizinghewasstaringintospace,recallingthewayherelegantfingerswalkedthrougharecordstack,hewetacottonballwithantisepticandsteppedclose,hesitatingonlyasecondbeforepushingthehairbackfromherforehead.Theirgazesmetanddancedawayquickly.“Areyougoingtocrywhenthisstings?”
“No.”
“Good.”Heblottedthewoundwithcotton,hisgutseizingupwhenshehissedabreath.“So?Whathappenedwithcreatingthesoundtracks?”heblurted,todistracthimselffromthefactthathewascausingherpain.
“Well…”Shebreathedasighofreliefwhenheremovedthesoakedcottonball.“I’mkindofaglorifiedserfattheproductioncompany.Whenataskarisesandnoonewantstodoit,theysummonmelikeBeetlejuice.”
“Ican’timagineyouasanyone’sserf,Hannah.”
“It’sbychoice.Iwantedtolearntheindustry,thenworkmywayuponmyownmerit,youknow?”Shewatchedhimsortthroughthebandagesectionofhiskit.“WewerealmosttoWestport.Ithoughtthistripcouldbemychanceto…flirtwithahigherposition.IwasjustabouttoaskSergei
andBrinleyifIcouldobservethesoundtrackprocess,andthat’swhenHannahwentsplat.”
“Oh,Freckles.”
“Yeah.”
“Soyoudidn’tgettoaskatall?”
“No.MaybeitwasasignthatI’mnotready.”
Foxsnorted.“Youwerebornreadyformakingsoundtracks.Ihavesevenmonthsoftextmessagestoproveit.”
Atthementionofthetexts,theireyesclashed,splotchesofpinkwakingupinhercheeks.Blushing.Hehadafriend’sblushinglittlesistersittingonhiskitchencounter.JesusChrist.Beforehecouldreachoutandtestthetemperatureofthosesplotcheswithhisfingertips,hewentbacktosortingthroughbandages.
“Allright,”hesaid.“Onemissedopportunity.You’llhavemore,right?”
Hannahnoddedbutsaidnothing.
KeptrightonsayingnothingasheappliedNeosporintohercutandlaidthesmallBand-Aidontop,smoothingitwithhisthumb.
Notleaningintokissherwhentheywereinchesawayfeltforeign.Hadheevergottenthisclosetoawomanbesideshismotherwithouttheintentionofsealingtheirmouthstogether?Flippingthroughhismemories,hecouldn’tpinpointasingletime.Ontheotherhand,hecouldn’trecallallthetimeshehadkissedwomen.Notwithanyclarity.
He’drememberkissingHannah.
Nothefuckyouwon’t
Withgrabbymovements,FoxcollectedtheBand-Aidwrapperandopenedalowercabinetsohecouldbrushitintothetrash.“Wantingtoobservedoesn’tseemlikeabigask,Hannah.I’msurethey’llsayyes.”
“Maybe.”Shechewedherlipamoment.“It’sjust…didyounoticethewomanwhowaswalkingwithSergei?”
“No,”heansweredhonestly.
Hannahhummed,lookingathimthoughtfully.“She’sthemusiccoordinator.Brinley.”Shepickedupahandandletitdrop.“Ican’tseemyselfdoinganythingthatwomandoes.She’s…”
“What?”
“Aleadinglady,”Hannahsaidonanexhale,lookingalmostrelievedtohavegottenthatbafflingstatementoffherchest.
Fox’sconfusioncleared.“Youmean,she’soneoftheactresses?”
“No,Imeanshe’saleadingladyinlife.Likemysister.”
Nope,stillconfused.“I’mlost,Hannah.”
Shefellforwardslightlywithalaugh.“Nevermind.”
Damn.She’donlybeenhereforfiveminutes,andhealreadywasn’tlivinguptothefriendstatus.Didshenotwanttoconfideinhim?Itscaredhimhowmuchhewantedtoearnhertrust.
Foxmovedtothefreezerandtookouttheicecream.Chocolate-vanillaswirlhadseemedlikeasurefirebetwhenhepickeditoutatthesupermarketyesterday.Bestofbothworlds,right?Watchingherreaction,hetookaspoonoutofthedrawerandstabbeditintothetop,handinghertheentirepint.“ExplainwhatyoumeanaboutPiperandthisBettychickbeingleadingladies.”
“Brinley,”shecorrectedhim,laughingwithhereyes.
Foxmadeaface.“AnLAnameifI’veeverheardone.”
“YousoundlikeBrendan.”
“Ouch,”hecomplained,clutchinghischest.Lettinghishanddropaway.
“Anexplanation,please,Freckles.”
Sheseemedtowrestlewithherthoughtswhiletakingarelishingbiteoficecreamanddrawingthespoonfrombetweenherlipsslowly.
Mesmerizingly.
Foxcoughedanddraggedhisattentionhigher.
“I’mgoodatbeing…supportive.Youknow?Givingadviceanddolingouthelpfulsuggestions.Whenitcomestomyownstuff,though…notsomuch.”Sheletthatsettlequietlyinthekitchenbeforecontinuing.“LikeIcanpackup,putmyjobonhold,andmovetoWestportbecausePiperneedsme.ButIcan’tevenaskmybossforachancetoobserve?Howcrazyisthat?Ican’teven”—shegaveadazedchuckle—“tellSergeiI’vehadthisdumbcrushonhimfortwoyears.Ijustkindofstandaroundwaitingforthingstohappen,whileotherpeopleseemtomakethemhappensoeasily.Icanhelpothers—Ilikedoingthat—butI’masupportingactress,notaleadinglady.That’swhatImeantbythat.”
Wow.Hereshewas.Confidinginhim—inperson.Aboutherinsecurities.Abouttheguyshewantedtodate.Thiswashisfirstheart-to-heartwithagirl.Noflirtingorpretense.Justhonesty.Upuntilthatmoment,itwaspossibleFoxhadn’tfullygraspedthatHannahreally,actually,one
hundredpercentonlythoughtofhimasjustafriend.Thatallthosetextsweren’taunique,platonicstyleofforeplay.Afterall,shehadeyes.She’dseenhim,right?Buttherewasnounspokeninterestonherpart.Thisreallywasjustfriendship.SheapparentlylikedwhateverthehellFoxhadlurkingontheinside.Andeventhoughhefeltlikehe’dbeensockedinthefuckingstomach,hestillwantedtomeetherexpectations.Although,hesuspectedhisegowouldbepurplewithbruisesbythetimethiswasover.
“Hey,”hesaid,clearingtherustfromhisvoice,puttinganotherfewinchesofdistancebetweenthem.“Look,I’llbehonest,I’veneverheardsuchaloadofbullshitinmylife.You’resupportive,yeah.ThewayyoudefendedPipertothecaptain?Youarefierceandloyal.Allthosethings,Hannah.Butyou’re…Don’tmakemesayitoutloud.”
“Sayit,”shewhispered,lipstwitching.
“Youareleading-ladymaterial.”
Thosetwitchinglipsspreadintoasmile.“Thanks.”
FoxcouldseehemighthavemadeHannahsmile,buttheissueswerefarfromsolved.Forone,shelikedthedirector,andforsomereasonFoxcouldn’tfathom,thedumbasswasn’tchasingafterherwithabouquetofredroses.Howcouldhehelpwiththat?Didhewanttohelpherwiththat?Itwasafisherman’snaturetoplugleaks,fixproblemswhentheyarose.Foranother,Hannahnotfeelingonehundredpercenthappywasadefiniteprobleminhisbook.“Theguywasjealous,youknow.BackatthebuswhenIcametopickyouup.”
Herheadcameup,expressionhopeful,butitfadedjustasquickly,unliketheknottyingtighterinsidehim.“No,hewasjustbeingnice,”shesaid,diggingbackintotheicecream.Chocolatesideonly,henotedfornexttime.
Nexttime?
“Hannah,trustme.IknowwhenI’mintimidatinganotherguy.”
Shewrinkledhernose.“Isjealousthesamethingasintimidated?”
“Yes.Whenmenareintimidatedbyothermen,especiallyridiculouslyhotmenlikeyourstruly—”
Shesnort-laughed.
“—theyassertthemselves.Fighttogettheupperhandback.It’sanaturalreaction.Lawofthejungle.That’swhyhewantedtogetyourbag.
That’swhyhekepthisarmaroundyouwaytoolong.”Foxgrabbedatthe
sweaty,icyskinatthenapeofhisneck.“Hedidn’tlikethatyouwerestayingwithme,andheespeciallydidn’tlikemecallingyouFreckles.Hewasintimidatedand,therefore,jealous.”
Foxdidn’taddthathewasspeakingfromexperience.
Intimidatedbysomeartsygoatee-sportingguyfromLA.ARussian,noless.Russiansweretheirmaincompetitionduringcrabseason,asifheneededanotherreasontodislikethemotherfucker.
God,hewasjumpy.“Anyway,allI’msayingis…he’snotnotinterested.”
“Thisisallveryfascinating,”Hannahsaidaroundherspoon.“Butifyou’reright,ifSergeiwasjealous,he’lleventuallyrealizethereisnothinghappeningbetweenyouandme,andhehasnoreasonto…resorttojunglelaws.”Casually,shepokedattheicecream.“Unlesswelethimthinkwe’resleepingtogether.Maybeheneedstobeshakenup.”
AlarmstoledownwardthroughFox’sfingertips.He’dwalkedstraightintoatrap.Onehe’dsethimself.“Youcan’tlethimthinkthat,Hannah.”
“Iwasonlybrainstorming.”WhatevershesawonFox’sfacecausedhertonarrowhereyes.“Butwhyareyousoopposed?”
Tryingtomaskthepanic,heletoutacrackoflaughter.“Youdon’t…
No.I’mnotlettingyouassociateyourreputationwithmine,allright?Acoupleofdaysinthistownandhe’llprobablyhearallaboutit.Trustme,ifhe’sworthadamn,thefactthatIgottobandageyourbumpwillmakehimjealousenough.”
Hannahblinked.“Ifhe’sworthadamn,hewon’tbelieveeverythinghehears.Especiallyaboutsomeonehedoesn’tknowpersonally.”
“Unlessalotofwhathehearsistrue,right?”Hesmiledstraightthroughthatrhetoricalquestion,tryingtogivetheimpressionthattheanswerdidn’tbotherhim.Whensheonlyseemedtolookdeeper,curious,Foxsaidsomethingheimmediatelyregrettedjusttodistracther.Tobumpheroffthetopicofhisreputation.“Haveyoutriedlettinghimknowyou’reinterested?
Youknow,alittlelipbitingandarmsqueezing…”
“Gross.”Shelookedhimupanddown.“Doesthatdoitforyou?”
Nothingwasdoingitforhimlately.Nothingbutthethreelittledotspoppingupintheirtextthread.Andnowheadwounds.Howpatheticwasthat?“Don’tworryaboutwhatdoesitforme.I’mtalkingaboutthisguy.
He’sprobablyclueless,andalotofmenwillremainthatwaywithoutalittleencouragement.”
Visiblyamused,shetiltedherhead.“Areyouoneofthosemen?”
Foxsighed,resistedtheurgetoscratchatthebackofhisneck.
“Encouragementiskindofagivenforme.”
“Right,”shesaidafterapause,somethingflickeringinhereyes.
Howdidtheconversationgethere?First,he’sgivingherpointersonlandingthedirector,andnowhe’sinadvertentlybraggingabouthisluckwithwomen?Offtoagreatstart,man.“Look,I’mnotintherelationshipraceandIneverwillbe.Clearlyyouare.Iwasjusttryingtobehelpful.
FlirtingwithSergeiisonething,butthebottomlineiswe’renotlettinganyoneincorrectlyassume”—hesawedahandbackandforthinbetweenthem—“thisishappening.Foryourowngood,okay?”
Hannahdefinitelywantedtodiscussitfurther,pickitapart,butthankfullysheletitdrop.“Youdon’thavetotellmeyou’renotintherelationshiprace,”shesaid,bitingherlip.“Icanseeyourapartmentjustfine.”
Gratefulforthesubjectchange,hebreathedalaugh.“What?”Hechuckedherchin.“Youdon’tthinkwomenareintothewaiting-roomlook?”
“No.Seriously,wouldanarearugandascentedcandlekillyou?”
Foxtooktheicecreamandspoonoutofherhandsandsetthemonthecounter.“You’renotgettingthatcookienow.”Hegrabbedherbythewaistandtossedherfacedownoverhisshoulder,promptingasquealashestompedtowardthespareroom.“I’mnotputtingupwithanungratefulhouseguest,Freckles.”
“I’mgrateful!I’mgrateful!”
Herlaughtercutoffabruptlywhentheyenteredherroom—ashe’dalreadybeguntothinkofit—nodoubtnoticingtherowofscentedcandles,thefoldedtowels,andthepinkHimalayansaltlamp.He’dseenitinatouristshopwindowanddecidedshedefinitelyneededone,butatthisjuncture,thepurchasemadehimfeelutterlysilly.
Shakinghisheadathimself,FoxeasedHannahoffhisshoulderanddroppedhergentlyontothequeen-sizedbed,hischesttuggingatthewayherhairfloppeddowntocoveroneeye.“Oh.Fox…”shemurmured,scanningtherowofsupplies.
“It’snobigdeal,”hesaidquickly,backinguptoleansidewaysagainstthedoorjamb.Crossinghisarms.Definitelynotthinkingabouthoweasyitwouldbetoprowloverheronthatbed,teaseheralittlemore,runhisfingertipsalongthatsectionofskinbetweenherhipbonesandwaist,flirtuntilkissingturnedintoheridea,insteadofhisintentionallalong.Heknewthedancemoveswell.
Noneofthemwererightforafriend.
“Listen.”Whenhisvoicesoundedgrufftohisownears,heforcedsomelevityintoit.“I’mheadingdowntothedockstoloadtheDellaRay.We’llbeonthewaterstartingtomorrow.ComingbackFriday.Don’tburntheplacedownwhileI’mgoneandmakemeregretmyfirstcandlepurchase.”
“Iwon’t,Peacock,”shesaid,lipsliftingatthecorners,herhandsmoothingthebedspreadhehopedshecouldn’ttellwasnew.“Thankyou.
Foreverything.”
“Anytime,Freckles.”
Hestartedtoleavebutstoppedwhenshesaid,“Andjustfortherecord,Iwouldbehonoredtofakesleepwithyou.Sordidreputationandall.”
Withastoneblockinghiswindpipe,allhecoulddowasnod,grabbinghiskeysonthewayoutoftheapartment.“Cookiesareinthecabinet,”hecalled,walkingoutintothesunshine,welcomingthewayitblindedhim.
ChapterFive
Hannahcametoastopoutsidehergrandmother’sdoorandremovedherAirPods,silencingher“WalkingThroughWestport”playlist.ItmainlyconsistedofModestMouse,Creedence,andtheDropkickMurphys,allofwhichremindedheroftheocean,whetheritbepiratesorahippieplayingharmonicaonthedocks.Assoonasthemelodycutout,sheknocked,pressingherlipstogetheramomentlatertostiflealaugh.Insidetheapartment,Opalwasmutteringtoherselfaboutmoronswholetsolicitorsintothebuilding,herfootstepsamblingcloser.
Atwhatpointwouldhavingagrandmotheronherfather’ssidebegintofeelnormal?Opal’sexistencehadbeenkeptfromHannahandPipergrowingup,butthey’ddiscoveredher—bymistake—lastsummer.Andthewomanwasadelight.Fierceandsweetandfunny.FullofstoriesaboutHannahandPiper’sfather,too.WasthatthereasonHannahhadtakenfourdaystocomeforavisit?
Sure,she’dbeenkeptverybusyonthesetoftheirfirstlocation.OntopofHannah’sotherduties,they’dneededheronsetforthefilmingofthehighschoollovers’reunionscenebetweenChristianandMaxineoutsidethelighthouse.Gettingitrighthadtakenthefullfourdays—butduringthenightshe’dgonehometoFox’semptyapartment,insteadofgoingtoseeOpal.Piperhadbeenoutoftownthosefourdays,havingtakenherin-lawsforasidetriptoSeattle,soHannahdecidedsheshouldjustwait.Thatwaytheycouldallvisittogether.Therewasmoretoherstalling,though.
Hannahpressedahandtoherstomachtosubduethebubblesofguilt.
Nowthathersisterwasbackintown,she’dcalledandaskedPipertomeetheratOpal’sthisafternoon.Wherewasshe?
HannahwasstillcraninghernecktoseetheendofthehallwaywhenOpalansweredthedoor.Theolderwomanblinkedonce,twice,hermouthfallingopen.“You’renotsellingmagazinesubscriptionsatall.You’remygranddaughter.”Hannahleanedin,andOpalenvelopedherinaback-pattinghug.“Whendidyougetintotown?Idon’tbelievethis.AllIcanmakeyouisahamsandwich.”
“Oh.No.”Hannahdrewback,shakingherhead.“Ialreadyhadlunch,Iswear.Ijustcametoseeyou!”
Hergrandmotherflushedwithpleasure.“Well,then.Comein,comein.”
TheapartmenthadchangeddrasticallysincethelasttimeHannahwasthere.Gonewastheoutdatedfurniture,thecombinedscentsoflemoncleanerandmustthatleftasenseofsolitudehangingintheair.Nowitsmelledfresh.Sunflowerssatinthecenterofanewdining-roomtable,andtherewasnolongeraplasticprotectoronthecouch.“Wow.”HannahsethertotebagonthefloorandunzippedherStormBornwindbreaker,shruggingitofftohangonthepeg.“Letmeguess.Piperhadsomethingtodowiththis?”
“Youguessedit.”Opalclaspedherhandsnearherwaist,herexpressionpleasedandpridefulasshescannedthenew-and-improvedlivingspace.“Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithouther.”
AffectionforhersisterwiggleditswayinnexttoHannah’sguiltbutdidnothingtoeclipseit.Overthelastsevenmonths,she’dspokentoOpalonlyahandfuloftimesonthephone.She’dsentacardatChristmas.Itwasn’tthatshedidn’tadorethewoman.Theygotalongverywell.She’dmadeOpalaWoodstock-themedplaylistlastsummer,andthey’dtotallybondedoverit.Evennow,thewelcomingvibesoftheapartmentwrappedaroundHannahandwarmedher.
Itwaswhenthestoriesaboutherfather—Opal’sonlyson—inevitablystartedrollingthatHannahgotuncomfortable.
Hannahflatoutcouldn’trememberhim.She’dbeentwoyearsoldwhenthekingcrabfishermanhadbeensuckedtothebottomoftheBeringSea.
Pipercouldrememberhislaugh,hisenergy,butHannah’smindconjurednothing.Nomelancholia,noaffectionornostalgia.
ForPiper,restoringHenry’sbarhadbeenajourneyoflearningaboutherselfandconnectingwiththememoryofHenry.
ForHannah,itwasabout…supportingPiperonthatjourney.
Ofcourse,seeingthefinishedproductafterweeksofmanuallaborhadbeensatisfying,especiallywhentheychangedthenametoCrossandDaughters,butthecoming-full-circlefeelingneverhappenedforHannah.
SowhenevershecametoseeOpalandhergrandmotherbroughtoutpicturesofHenry,orstoriesweretoldabouthimoverthephone,Hannahstartedtowonderifheremotionswerestunted.ShecouldcryoveraHeartlessBastardssong,butherownfathergotnothingfromher?
HannahjoinedOpalonthenewindigo-coloredcouchandcuppedherkneesthroughherjeans.“I’mactuallyintownbecausetheproductioncompanyIworkforisshootingashortfilm.Kindofaheartbreakingarthousepiece.”
“Amovie?”Opalwinced.“InWestport?Ican’timaginepeoplebeingtoothrilledwiththedisruption.”
“Oh,don’tworry,Ithoughtofthat.We’regivingasmanybackgroundpartsandwalk-onrolesaswecan.Oncethelocalsrealizedtheymightbeinamovie,itwassmoothsailing.”
Withasoundofdelight,Opalslappedherthigh.“Thatwasyouridea?”
Hannahfluffedherponytail.“Yes,ma’am.Imademydirectorthinkitwashisideatoaddlocalsforauthenticity.It’sagoodthingIdon’tusemypowersforevil,oreveryonewouldbeinbigtrouble.”
Itwouldbefantasticifshecoulduseherpowerstomoveaheadinhercareer,too,wouldn’tit?Greasingtheproductionwheelswaseasyforher.
Therewerenopersonalstakes.Norisk.Applyingherselftomusiccoordinatingwasscarier.Becauseitmattered.
Agreatdeal.
Opallaughed,reachedovertosqueezeHannah’swrist.“Oh,sweetie,I’vemissedyourspunk.”
ThesoundofakeyturninginthelockmadeHannahwhiparound,andOpalclappedhappily.PiperwasonlyhalfwaythroughthedoorwhenHannahlaunchedherselfoverthebackofthenewcouchandplowedintohersister,tensionshe’dhardlybeenawareofseepingfromherpores.
HuggingPiperwaslikewalkingintoaroomfilledwithyourbestmemories.
Hersheer-sleevedromper,impracticalheels,andexpensiveperfumemadeHannahfeelliketheywerebackinBel-Air,sittingonthefloorofPiper’sroom,sortingherjewelrycollection.
Theyhoppedinahappycircle,laughing,whileOpalfumbledwithherphone,tryingandfailingtoopenhercameraapp.
“You’rehere.”Pipersniffed,squeezingHannahtightly.“Myperfect,beautiful,hippie-heartedlittlesister.Howdareyoumakememissyouthismuch?”
“Icouldsaythesametoyou,”Hannahsaid,voicemuffledbyhersister’sshoulder.
Thesisterspulledback,wipingtheirfacesinverydifferentmanners.
Hannahswipedforefficiency,whilePiperdraggedacarefulpinkieinaperfectUshapetorepairhereyeliner.Arminarm,theymovedaroundthecouchandsatdownplasteredupagainsteachother.“Sowhenareyoumovingherepermanently?”Piperasked,hertonestillslightlywatery.
“Like…tomorrow.Right?”
Hannahsighed,restingherheadonthebackofthecouch.“Partofmedoesn’thatethatidea.GetmyjobbackatDiscNDat.Haunttheguestroomatyourhouseforever”—shepokedatasequininPiper’sbodice—“butLAiskeepingme,I’mafraid.It’swheremydreamcareerawaits.”
Piperstrokedherhair.“Haveyoumadeanyheadwayonthat?”
“Imminently…”Hannahresponded,chewingtheinsideofhercheek.
“Ithink.”
Opalleanedforward.“Dreamcareer?”
“Yes.”HannahsatupstraighterbutkepthersidepressedtoPiper’s.
“Moviesoundtracks.Themakingofthem.”
“Isn’tthatinteresting.”Opalbeamed.
“Thankyou.”Shemovedsomeofherhairoutofthewayandperformedashow-and-tellwiththebandagedknotonherforehead.“Unfortunately,thisiswhathappenedthefirsttimeItriedtoask.”PiperandOpalbothlookedatherwoundwithanappropriatelevelofconcern.“It’sfine.Itdoesn’thurt.”Shelaughedlightly,lettingherhairdropbackintoplace.
“Foxbandagedmeupandgavemeicecream.”
Itwasfleetingandsubtle,butshefeltPiperstiffen,givingoffdefiniteprotective-older-sistervibes.“Oh,didhe?”
Hannahrolledhereyes.“ThisisyouroneandonlyreminderthatmestayingwithFoxwasyouridea.”
“Itookitbackrightaway,”Piperfretted.“Hashetriedanything?”
“No!”Hannahsquawked.Nevermindthatshecouldstillfeeltheshapeandexquisitelydefinedmusculatureofhisshoulderonhermidsection.
“Stoptalkingabouthimlikehe’ssomekindofsexualpredator.I’madultenoughtomakethesejudgmentcallsbymyself.Andhe’sbeenaperfectgentleman.”
“That’sbecausehehasn’tbeenintown,”Pipergrumbled,smoothingherromper.
“HedecoratedmyroomwithaHimalayansaltlamp.”
Pipersputtered,“Hemightaswellbemaulingyou!”
“Someoneexplaintomewhatisgoingonhere!”Opalscootedherchaircloser.“Iwanttobeinvolvedinaconversationaboutmen.It’sbeenanage.”
“Thereisnoconversationtohave,”Hannahassuredhergrandmother.“Iamfriendswithamanwhohappensto…appreciatewomen.Frequently.
Butithasbeenestablishedthathewon’tbeappreciatingme.”
“TellherabouttheFleetwoodMacalbum,”Pipersaid,pattingHannahvigorouslyontheknee.“Goonandtellher.”
Hannahreleasedagustingbreathtowardtheceiling.Mostlytohidetheweirdtwistthathappenedinsideherwhenshethoughtofthealbumandhowshe’dgottenit.“It’snobigdeal,really.”Liar.“Lastsummer,weallwenttoSeattle.Me,Piper,Fox,Brendan.Webrokeoffforawhile,andFoxtookmetothisrecordconvention.AndIfoundanalbumthatsangtome.
FleetwoodMac.Rumours.”Apaltrydescriptionforashocktothenervoussystem.“Butitwasexpensive.Atthetime,meandPipeswereonatightbudget,soIdidn’tbuyit…”
“AndthenthedayHannahlefttoreturntoLA,thereitwas.Onmyporch.Foxwentbackandboughtitwithoutherknowing.”
OpalmadeanOshapewithherlips.“Ohmy.Thatisromantic.”
“No.No,youhaveitallwrong,ladies.Itwaskind.”
PiperandOpaltradedaverysuperiorlook.
Partofhercouldn’tevenblamethem.Foxbuyingherthatalbumwastheonethingshecouldn’tseemtodefineasonehundredpercentfriendly.Itsatinaplaceofhonorbackhome,facingoutonthehangingrackthatdisplayedheralbums.Everytimeshepassedit,shereplayedthemomentattheconventionwhenshe’dgaspedoverthefind,tracingthesquareedgeofthealbumwithherfingers.Thewarmthofhisarmaroundher,theunsteady
poundofhisheart.Howforthefirsttime,she’dletsomeoneintothemusicwithher,insteadofdisappearingintoitalone.
Hannahshookherself.“You’reactuallyhelpingmeprovemypoint,Pipes.Ifhewantedto…appreciateme,whywouldhewaituntilIwasleavingtohandmehisgoldenticketlikethat?”
“Shemakesagoodpoint.”
“Thankyou,Opal.Caseclosed.”
Piperrearrangedtheperfectlycurledendsofherhair,physicallyacceptingtheendofthesubject.“So.HowisLA?Doesshemissme?”
“Shedoes.Thehousefeelsevenbiggerwithoutyouinit.Toobig.”
Theirmother,Maureen,hadleftWestportovertwodecadesearlierinacloudofgriefafterHenryCross’sdeath,relocatingtoLosAngeleswhereshe’dworkedasaseamstressforamoviestudio.She’dmetandmarriedtheirstepfatheratthepinnacleofhissuccessasaproducer.Seeminglyovernight,thethreeofthemhadgonefromresidinginatinyapartmenttoaBel-Airmansion,whereHannahstilllivedtothisday.
WithPiperinresidence,themansionneverfailedtofeellikehome.ButeversincePipermovedtoWestport,Hannahfeltmorelikeavisitor.Outofplaceanddisconnectedinthegiganticpalace.Ithadbecomeobviousthattheirparentsledaseparatelife,andlately,she’dstartedtofeellikeanobserverofit.Insteadofsomeonewhowashappilyofflivingherown.
“I’mthinkingofmovingout,”Hannahblurted.“I’mthinkingofalotofthings.”
PiperangledherbodytofaceHannah,headtilted.“Suchas?”
Beingthefocusoftheconversationwasunusual,tosaytheleast.Itwasn’tthatitembarrassedhertobethecenterofattention.Therewassimplynouseinvolvingeveryoneinproblemsshecouldfixherself,right?
LikefinaglingatriptoWestportbecauselonelinessandasenseofmissingsomethinghadstartedgettingtoher.“Nevermind.”Shewavedahand.
“HowarethingsgoingwithBrendan’sparents?”
“She’schangingthesubject,”Opalpointedout.
“Yeah.Don’tdothat.”Piperpokedherwiththetipofaredfingernail.
“You’regoingtomoveoutofBel-Air?”
Hannahshruggedashoulder.“It’stime.It’stimeformeto…growupthewholeway.Igotstuckhalfwaythroughtheprocess.”ShethoughtofBrinley.“Nooneisgoingtoconsiderapromotionforagirlwholiveswith
herparents.Orthey’llconsidermeless,anyway.IfIwantadultresponsibilities,Ihavetobeone.IhavetobelieveIamonefirst.”
“Hanns,you’rethemostresponsiblepersonIknow,”Pipersaid,hedging.“DoesyourinterestinSergeihaveanythingtodowiththis?”
“There’sanothermaninthemix?”Opalsplitaglancebetweenhertwogranddaughtersandsighed.“Lordy,tobeyoungagain.”
“He’smydirector.Myboss—only.Nothinghaschangedonthatfront,”
Hannahexplained.“WhatIwantfromacareerandmylovelifearetotallyseparate,butI’dbelyingifIsaidIdidn’twantSergeitolookatmelikeI’mawoman,youknow?InsteadofthescruffyPA.”
Theguywasjealous,youknow.BackatthebuswhenIcametopickyouup
Fox’svoicefilteredinthroughherthoughts.She’dbeenbusyoverthelastfourdays,gettingeveryonesettledintheirtemporaryhousing,unpackingsuppliesinthetrailers,meetingwiththelocalbusinessowners.
Butshehadn’tbeensobusythatshewasn’tawareofSergei.Ofcourseshewasalwaysawareofhimonset.Withhispassiononfulldisplay,hewasamagnetforattention.ButifthedirectorhadreallybeenjealousofFox,he’dforgottenallaboutitandgonebacktotreatingHannahwithpolitedistractedness.
Trustme,ifhe’sworthadamn,thefactthatIgottobandageyourbumpwillmakehimjealousenough.TherewentFox’sdeepraspinherheadagain,whensheshouldbethinkingofSergei.Still…shecouldn’tstopreplayingwhatthefishermansaidtoherinthekitchen.Abouthisreputation.Abouthowhewouldn’twantpeopleassumingtheywereanitem,becausehethoughtitwouldbeabadlookforHannah.Hedidn’treallybelievethatnonsense,right?
“Well.”Piperbrokeintoherthoughts.“Assomeonewhohasonlyrecentlyembarkedonadulthoodherself,Icantellyouit’sscarybutrewarding.There’salsolotsofmakingmyownmealsandwearingjeans.”
Shepretendedtocry,andHannahlaughed.“ButIcouldn’thavedoneitwithoutyou,Hannah.YoumademeconsiderpossibilitiesIneverdreamedof.That’showIknowyou’recapableofanything.Don’tletaheadinjuryandfeelingscruffystopyou.Mysisterisdependableandcreativeanddoesn’ttakeanyone’sshit.Ifthisstudiodoesn’tgiveyoutheopportunity,
anotheronewill.Dammit.”Pipersmiledprettily.“AndI’msorryforcursing,Opal.I’mjusttryingtogetmypointacross.”
“I’mafisherman’smother,dear.Cursingispartofthevocabulary.”
PiperwasbeingHannah’ssupportingactressforonce,andthatfactwasn’tlostonher.Therolereversal,coupledwiththewarmpressurebehindhereyes,probablyaccountedforHannahdoingsomethingtotallyoutofcharacter.“Canyouhelpmeoutwiththescruffiness?Justfortonight.”Shepokedafingerthroughthethumbholeofhersweatshirt.
“There’sacastpartyatoneofthehouseswe’rerenting.”
Hersisterslowlylaidahandonherarm,nailsdigginginlightly.“Areyouaskingmetodressyouup?”
“Justfortonight.Ineedalltheprofessionalconfidence.”
“OhmyGod,”Piperbreathed,teary-eyed.“Iknowjustthedress.”
“Nothingflashy—”
“Zip.Zipit.Notanotherword.You’regoingtotrustme.”
Hannahswallowedasmileanddidasshewastold.TheremighthavebeenaspeckofvanityinsideherthatwantedtocatchSergei’sattentionatthecrewpartytonight,andshewonderedifaPiper-styledressmightdoit.
Butthatdefinitelywasn’therreasonfordressingup.Ifshewantedtomovetothenextlevelinthisindustry,peoplehadtostarttakingherseriously.
Plainandsimple?InHollywood,imagemattered,whetheritshouldornot.
Sparklegotattentionandforcedpeopletolisten.Toconsider.NoonewouldeveraskPiperorBrinleytoholdtheirstraworstirtheircoffeecounterclockwise,wouldthey?I’mlookingatyou,Christian
NorwouldtheyexpectBrinleytodoalltheheavyliftingatthestudiowithoutpayingherproperly.Foralongtime,Hannahhadreasonedthatitdidn’tmatterwhatherpaychecklookedlike.ShelivedwithherparentsinBel-Air,forcryingoutloud.TheyhadanOlympic-sizedswimmingpoolinthebackyardandafull-timestaff.Sincegettingbackinherstepfather’sgoodgraces,moneywasavailabletoheragain,ifsheeverneededfundsbeyondherpaycheck.Buthermeagerearningswerebecomingamatterofprinciple.Theywouldn’thavemanagedthislocationshootwithouther—
andLatrice—pullingseveralall-nighters.Thedifferencebeing,Latricegotpaidwhatshewasworth.
Dressingforsuccessseemedalmosttooeasycomparedtothehardworkshe’dbeendoinglately,butgivingitatrywouldn’thurt.
“Allthismovie-soundtrackandFleetwoodMactalkremindedmeofsomething,”Opalsaid,pullingHannahfromherruminations.“Ihavesomethingtoshowyougirls.”
Theirgrandmothergottoherfeetandpowerwalkedtotheothersideofthelivingroom,takingaslimbluefolderoffthetopofherbookcase.
Knowingwhateverwasinthatfolderwouldpertaintoherfather,Hannah’sstomachstartedtodrop.Thiswasthepartofcatchingupwithhergrandmothershealwaysdreaded:whenPiperandOpalwouldbemovedtotearsoversomepieceofHenry’shistory,andshewouldfeellikeastatue,tryingtorelate.
“OneofHenry’soldshipmatesbroughttheseintoBlowtheManDownovertheweekend.Iwasoutwiththegirls.”Theirgrandmothersaidthelastpartwithpride,winkingatPiper.Foralongtime,Opal’sgriefoverthepassingofhersonhadkeptherinsidetheapartment.AtleastuntilPipercamealong,gaveherasassyhaircutandsomenewclothes,reintroducinghertothetownshe’dbeenmissing.HannahlikedtothinkherplaylistshadhelpedmotivateOpaltogetsocialagain,too.“Thesewerewrittenbyyourfather,”shesaid,openingthefolder.
Bothsistersleanedinandsquinteddownatthesmallhandwritingthattookupseveralpagesofstainedandage-wornpaper.
“Aretheyletters?”Piperasked.
“They’resongs,”Opalmurmured,runningafingertipoverafewsentences.“Seashanties,tobeexact.Heusedtosingthemaroundthehouseintheearlydays.Ididn’tevenknowhe’dwrittenthemdown.”
Hannahfeltatugofalmostreluctantinterest.She’dgottenherhopesupafewtimesthataphotographoratokenofherfather’smightbringonsometideofemotion,butitneverhappened,anditwouldn’tnow.“Washeagoodsinger?”
“Hehadadeepvoice.Powerful.Rich.Alotlikehislaugh,itcouldpassrightthroughyou.”
Pipermadeapleasurablesound,pickingupthefolderandleafingthrough.“Hannah,youshouldtakethese.”
“Me?”Mentally,sherecoiledbuttriedtosoftenhertoneforOpal’ssake.
“Whyme?”
“Becausethey’resongs,”Pipersaid,asifshe’dbeencrazytoaskthequestion.“Thisiswhatyoulove.”
OpalreachedoverandrubbedHannah’sknee.“MaybeHenryiswhereyougotyourloveofmusic.”
Whydidshewanttodenythatsobadly?
Whatwaswrongwithher?
Itwasrightthereonthetipofhertonguetosayno.No,myloveforsomanykindsofmusicismine.Idon’tshareitwithanyone.It’sacoincidence
But,instead,shenodded.“Sure,I’d…lovetotakethemforawhileandgivethemaread.”
Opallitup.“Fantastic.”
HannahacceptedthefolderfromPiperandclosedit,afamiliardesperationtochangethesubjectfromHenrysettlingoverher.“Okay,Pipes.We’vebeeninsuspenselongenough.TellusaboutBrendan’sparents.Howisthevisitwithyourfuturein-lawsgoing?”
Hersistersettledbackintotheseat,crossinglonglegsthathadbeenbuffedtoashine.“Well.Asyouknow,IbroughtthemdowntoSeattlethisweek,sinceBrendanisoutontheboat.Iplannedallourtimethere,downtothesecond.”
“Andthen?”Opalprompted.
“AndthenIrealizedalltheplanswere…shopping-related.”Hervoicefelltoascandalizedwhisper.“Brendan’smotherhatesshopping.”
OpalandHannahfellbackintheirseatslaughing.
“Whohatesshopping?”Piperwhined,coveringherface.
Hannahraisedherhand.Pipersmackeditdown.
“ThankGodBrendaniscominghometonight.Iamrunningoutofwaystoentertainthem.We’vebeenonsomanywalks,Hanns.Somanywalkstonowhere.”
ThespreadofanticipationinHannah’sbellyhadnothingtodowithFoxcominghometonightalongwithBrendan.Shewassimplyexcitedtoseeherfriendagainandnotbealoneinhisoddlybarrenapartment.
PipersplitalookbetweenOpalandHannah.“Givemesomeideas?”
Hannahthoughtforasecond,slippingintohersupportingroleaseasilyasasecondskin.“AskhertoteachyouhowtomakeBrendan’sfavoritechildhoodmeal.It’llmakeherfeeluseful,andit’snotterribleknowledgetohave,likeforbirthdaysandspecialoccasions,right?”
“That’sgenius,”Pipersquealed,wrappingherarmsaroundHannah’sneckandwrestlingherdowntothecouchwhileOpallaughed.“I’mtotally
goingtobonditupwithmyfuturemother-in-law.WhatwouldIdowithoutyou,Hanns?”
Hannahpressedhernosetohersister’sskinandinhaled,absorbingthehug,themoment,“TimeAfterTime”byCyndiLauperplayinginthebackofhermind.Itwastemptingtostaythere,tobaskinthecomfortablefeelingofbeingtheonetopropothersup.Therewasnothingwrongwithit,andshelovedthatrole.Butbeingcomfortablehadkeptherinthesecond-fiddlepositionsolong…andtonightshewasfinallygoingtoconducttheorchestraherself.
ChapterSix
Hannahwalkedextraslowlydownthesidewalk,abottleofwineinhand.
Hersnail’spacehadalottodowiththethree-inchheels,butitwasmainlythedressdelayingherprogress.AssoonasPiperunzippedthegarmentbag,she’dstartedtoshakeherhead.Red?Red?Herwardrobehadbeencompiledforcomfortandfunctionality.Lotsofgrays,blues,blacks,andwhitessoshewouldn’thavetoworryaboutmatching.TheonlyreditemssheownedwereabaseballhatandapairofChucks.Itwasacoloryouusedforapop.Notthewholeensemble.
Thenshe’dputiton—andshe’dneverbeenmoreannoyedtohavesomeoneberight.Therewassomethingkindofninetiesaboutthedress,andthatspoketothegrunge-headedoldsoulinsideHannah.ItremindedheroftheredminidressCherworetotheValleypartyinClueless.Piperhadagreed,makingHannahsay,“Itotallypaused,”atleastforty-eighttimeswhiletheystraightenedherhair.
Inmostlinesofwork,thisoutfitwouldhavebeenconsideredinappropriate,butentertainmentwasitsownanimal.Attheendofthenight,itwouldn’tbeunusualtocatchcrewmembersmakingoutinthehallways.Orrightoutintheopen.Oftenthereweredrugs,andalwaysalcohol.Butreally,aslongaseveryoneshowedupthenextmorningandgottheirjobdone,prettymuchanythingwent.Whilejudgmentsandgossipwereinevitable,beingunprofessionalafterhoursmadeyouoneofthegangasopposedtoapariah.
Ablockawayfromtherentedhouse,Hannahcouldseethesilhouettesofcastandcrewinthedimlylitwindowsandhearthelowthunderofmusic.Theraucouslaughter.Wellawareofhowrowdyindustrypartiescouldget,evenonthissmallascale,she’dbookedaplaceonthesemi-
outskirtsoftowntoavoidnoisecomplaints.Anditwasagoodthingshehad,becausesomeonewasalreadypassedoutonthefrontlawnanditwasn’teventenP.M.
Hannahsteppedovertheinternwithalowwhistle,hikedupthestepsinheradmittedlygorgeousshoes—whoknewshe’dfeelsofancywithsparklylittlebowsonhertoes?—andwalkedintothehousewithoutknocking,sincenoonewasgoingtohearit,anyway.BeforeleavingFox’sapartment,she’dgivenherselfapeptalkinthemirrorofhisbathroom,whichsmelledlikethecollisionofamintyglacierandsomethingmoreinteresting…likeaginger-lacedessentialoil.
Didheuseessentialoils?
Whywasshesotemptedtogointohisbedroomandcheckforadiffusersoshecouldinhaledirectlyfromthesource?
Withanimpatienttongueclick,Hannahsteppedintothehouseandimmediatelyhadtocheckherurgetofindthepersoninchargeoftheplaylist.Ifsheletherself,she’dsitinthecornerallnightsearchingfortheperfectnextsong—probablysomeBonIvertochilleveryoneoutafterthecrazyweek—andthatwasn’tthemissiontonight.
Resigningherselftoanightofambienttechno,Hannahtookoffhercoatanddrapeditovertheclosestchair,wavingtoacouplesoundengineersonherwaydownthehallwaytothelivingroomwhereeveryoneseemedtobecongregated.
Thesongendedrightasshewalkedintotheroom.Oritmighthavebeenallinherhead,becauseeveryone—andshemeanteveryone—turnedtostare.Ifthiswaswhataleadingladyfeltlike,she’dratherbeanextra.
Only,shewasn’thappywiththatanymore,right?Soeventhoughherpalmswereclammyandshekindoffeltlikeanassholeforwearingadesignercocktaildresstoacasualhang,shehadnochoicebuttobrazenitoutandproceedwiththeplan.
“AmItheonlyonewhogottheformaldressmemo?”Shefake-cringedoverthejeansandT-shirtswornbyagroupofhairandmakeupartists.
“Sad.”
Therewassomelaughter,butthenmostlyeveryonewentbacktotheirdrinksandconversation,allowingHannahtoexhale.Someliquidcouragewouldnotgoamiss.Onedrink,andthenshe’dmaketheprofessionalmoveofalifetime.Hopefully.
Hannahspottedtheliquorandmixersstationonabarcartinthecorneroftheroomandheadedthatdirection,remindingherselfshewasacertifiedlightweightandnottooverdoit.ShewasstillrecoveringfromherforayintodaydrinkingwithPiperatthelocalwinerylastsummer.
“Hey,”Christiansaidinaboredtone,comingupbesideher.“Whatareyoudrinking?Poison,Ihope.”
Shepursedherlipsandperusedthevariousliquorbottles.“WhatcanIdrinktogiveyouapersonality?”
Lookingpointedlyatherdress,Christiangaveanappreciativesnort.
“So,whatareyou,like,tryingnow?”
“Couldyoudothesame,please?Ittookyousixteentakestonailfourlinesofdialoguethismorning.”
“Can’trushperfection.”HemadeanimpatientsoundandsnatcheduparedSolocup.“Whatareyoudrinking,PA?I’llmakeit.”
Hannah’smouthdroppedopen.“You’regoingtomakemydrink?”
“Don’tletitgotoyourhead.”Whilepouringvodka,hegaveheraonce-over.“Oryourhips.Thatdressisalittlesnug.”
“Youwishyouhadthehipsforthisdress.”
Headdedsomegrapefruitjuiceandicetothecup,allbutshovingtheprepareddrinkintoherhands.“IhatethatIlikeyou.”
“IlikethatIhateyou.”
Itcostthembothavisibleeffortnottolaugh.
“Hannah?”ChristianandHannahturnedatthesametimetofindSergei,Brinley,andanassortmentofon-cameratalentapproaching,includingMaxineandherfictionalbestfriend.Foronce,Sergeiseemedatalossforwords,thedrinkinhishandloweringtothesideofhisthigh.“You…
dressedup,”hesaid,hisattentionstrayingbrieflytoHannah’shemline.“IfIdidn’tseeyousparringwithChristian,Iwouldn’thaverecognizedyou.”
“Idogetacertainlookofhorroronmyfacewhenshe’saround,”
Christiandrawled,givingheralazyelbowintheside.
“Yes.Youlookfantastic,”Brinleysaid,thoughshewasscrollingonherphone
“Thankyou.”Beingthecenterofattentionmadeitnecessarytotakeagulpofher(hopefullynotpoisoned)drink,theabundanceofvodkaburningherthroatonthewaydown.
Itmighthavebeenthedressandtheliquorrapidlydullinghernervesthatencouragedhertospeakup.OritcouldhavebeenPiper’ssupportivewordsearlierintheday.AllHannahknewwasthatifshedidn’taskforwhatshewantednow,sheneverwould.“Brinley,”sheblurted,grabbingherownwristsotheiceinhercupwouldstoprattling.“IwaswonderingifIcouldassistyouinanywaywiththescore.Notthatyouneedassistance,”
sherushedtoqualify.“Iwasmorejusthopingtolearnfromyou.Fromtheprocess.”
Silencedescendedonthecircle.
Itwasnotunusualforpeopletousepartiesasachancetoindustryclimb.Butitwasunusualforapersonalassistanttoaddresssomeonesomuchfurtheruptheladder—inmixedcompany,noless.Maybesheshouldhavewaited.OraskedtospeaktoBrinleyandSergeialone?ShehopedBrinleymightfindtherequestmorepalatablesinceitwasposedcasuallyinsteadofofficially.Hannahdidn’twantthewomanthinkingshewastryingtostealherjob.
“Oh…”Brinleyblinkedslowly,sizingherupwithnewinterest.“Aremusicalscoressomethingyou’rethinkingofpursuinglong-term?”
“Ihaven’treallygottenthatfaryet,”Hannahsaidinareleaseofbreath.
“ButI’dlovetolearnmoreabouttheprocess.Toseeifmaybeitcouldbeagoodfitdowntheroad.”
Brinleyrockedonherheelsamoment,thenshrugged,eyeszippingbacktoherphone.“Idon’thaveaproblemwithyouobserving—ifSergeicanspareyou?”
ItstruckHannahhowlongSergeihadremaineduncharacteristicallysilent,hisforeheadlinedashestudiedher.WhenBrinleypromptedhim,hejolted,asifbecomingawareofhisownsilence.“You’revitaltomeonset,Hannah.Youknowthat.”TherewasnohelpfortheflushthatroseinhercheeksoverSergeisayingthosewords.You’revitaltome.Shestoppedjustshortofpressingherdrinktohercheekstocoolthemdown.Meanwhile,thesilencestretched,thedirectorrunningafingeraroundtheinsideofhisblackribbedturtleneck.“Butifyoucanmanageboth,Iwon’tobject.”
HeatprickledthebacksofHannah’seyes,anunexpectedjabofpridecatchingherinthebreastbone.Relief—andthedistinctfearoffailure—
traveledsoswiftlythroughherlimbs,shealmostdroppedhercup.Butsheforcedasmile,noddingherthankstoSergeiandBrinley.
“Who’sgoingtobringmecoffeebetweentakes?”Christiancomplained.
Acollectivelaugh/groanfromeveryoneinthegroupbrokethetension,thankfully,andthesubjectwaschangedtoSundaymorning’sagenda.
They’dbeenwaitingforagood-weatherdaytofilmakissingscenebetweenChristianandMaxineontheharbor,andthenextfewdayscalledforsunshine.
WhileSergeiengagedthesmallgatheringwithhisvisionofawide,sweepingshotofthekiss,sheflippedthroughhermentalmusiccataloguefortherightsong,therightfeeling…andshewassurprisedtofindnothinglanded.Nothing.
Notasinglesongcametomind.
Thatwasodd.
Whatifshe’dfinallybeengiventhisopportunityonlytoloseherknackforpluggingintherightsoundforanyoccasion?Whatifsheforgothowtoweavetogetheratmosphere,somethingshe’dbeendoingsinceshewasoldenoughtooperateaturntable?
ThethoughttroubledHannahsomuchthatshedidn’tnoticeChristianrefreshingherdrink.Twice.Theelectronicmusicstartedtomatchthetempoofherpulse,andwhenshegottheurgetodance,sheknewthatwashercuetostopdrinking.Although…itwasalittlelateforthat.Apleasurablebuzztickledherblood,andshelostallself-awareness,talkingtoanyonewhowouldlistenaboutanytopicthatpoppedintoherhead,fromtherunningofthebullsinPamplonatothefactthatpeople’searsneverstoppedgrowing.Andherbraintoldheritwasinteresting.Maybeitwas?
Everyoneseemedtobelaughing,oneoftheactresseseventuallypullingheroutontothemakeshiftdancefloor,wheresheclosedhereyes,kickedhershoesoff,andfellintoarhythm.
Atonepoint,hernecktingled,andsheopenedhereyestofindSergeiwatchingherfromacrosstheroom,thoughhisattentionwasquicklydivertedwhenChristianaskedhimaquestion.Hannahwentbacktodancing,unwiselyacceptinganotherdrinkfromamakeupartist.
Hermovementsslowedwhentheairintheroomchanged.
Itkindofjust…litup.
Hannahlookedaroundandnoticedeveryone’seyesweregluedtotheentranceofthelivingroom.BecauseFoxwasstandingthere,oneforearmproppedhighonthedoorjamb,watchingherwithamusement.
“Holymother,”Hannahmuttered,stoppingtostarealongwitheveryoneelse.
Therewasnootherwaytoheraldhisarrivalbuttoberenderedmuteandimmobile.Foxswaggeringintothepartywaslikeasharkswimmingslowlythroughaschooloffish.Hewasfreshlywindblownfromtheocean,histanskinslightlyweatheredfromsalt,sunshine,andhardwork.Hetoweredovereveryoneandeverything.Cocky.Socockyandconfidentandstupidlyhot.Outrageouslyhot.
“That’shim,”oneofthegirlsnearbysaid.“Thatguywesawfromthebus.”
“God,heislikeawalkingspankbank.”
“Dibs.”
“Screwthat.Ialreadycalleddibs.”
AtwitchinFox’scheekindicatedheheardwhatwasbeingsaid,buthedidn’ttakehiseyesoffHannah,andshestartedto…getkindofpissed.
Yeah,no,shewaspissed.Whocalleddibsonahumanbeing?Orreferredtohimasaspankbank?Howdaretheyassumeitwouldbethateasytojust…appreciateherfriend?
Whatifitwasthateasy,though?
Whatifhelikedoneofthemback?
Thatwasn’tanyofherbusiness.Wasit?
ShewatchedasmorewhispersreachedFox,andhissmilelostpower.
Notforthefirsttimeoverthelastfourdays,shereplayedwhathe’dsaidherfirstdayintown.I’mnotlettingyouassociateyourreputationwithmine,allright?
NowhisstephesitatedonthewaytoHannah.Washesecond-guessingapproachingher?Becauseallthesepeoplewerewatching?
Withoutanotherthought,shesetdownherdrinkonanearbywindowsillandwalkedtowardthemanwithpurpose.Thefizzypopofalcoholinherbloodstreammighthavebeencontributingtoheractionsinthatmoment,butitwasmoreindignationthananythingelse.Thesegirlsdidn’tevenknowhim.Nordiditsoundasifthey’dlearnedanythingabouthisactualcharacterwhileintown.Whereweretheseassumptionscomingfrom?
She’dmadethem,too.Hadn’tshe?
Dayone.She’dcalledhimapretty-boysidekick.Assumedhewasaplayer.
Therewereallthosetimesshe’dtexted,askingifhewasalone.Tongueincheek.Liketherewasaverygoodchancehe’dbewithagirl.Hookingup.
Somaybethesudden,crushingneedtoapologizedroveherforward.NooneelsewasgoingtojudgeFoxonherwatch,andnowaywasshegoingtolethimhesitatetoapproachherataparty.Hewasinthemiddleofaroombeingobjectified,andshewantedtobetheanchorforhim.
Shewantedtocomforthim.
Okay,maybeshewasjealous,too.Atthepossibilitysomeoneelsewascallingdibs,butshedidn’twanttothinkaboutthattoohard.Instead,shelickedherlips,pickingalandingspotforhermouth.
HannahwasapproximatelyfivefeetfromFoxwhenhisexpressionchanged,andhereadherintention.Hiscreepinginsecurityvanished,andherocketedtoinfernostatusonadime.Thoseblueeyesdarkened,andthatsquare,bristledjawflexed.Ready.Amanwellusedtobeingwantedandknowingwhattodoaboutit.
Hewhisperedhernamerightbeforeshepusheduponhertoes,lockingtheirmouthstogether,rightthereintheentrancetothelivingroom.Shewasimmediatelybowledoverbythehungerofhismasculinelips,andthenheturnedher,pressingherbacktotheinsideofthearcheddoorway,openinghismouthontopofhersandlickingintothekisswithachokedsound.
Withherthoughtsmuddlingandalanguidheatrenderingherarmslimp,Hannahrealizedshe’dmadeahugemistake.ShewasEveintheGardenofEden,andshe’djusttakenabitefromtheapple.
ChapterSeven
Bigmistake.
Huge.
Unfortunately,tryingtostopkissingHannahwasalaughableendeavor.
Foxshouldn’thavecomehereinthefirstplace.Buthe’dwalkedintohisapartmentafterfournightsonthewaterexpectinghertobethere,onlytofindanotethatshe’dgonetoaparty.Hisapartmenthadsmelledlikesummer,agarmentbaghangingonthebackoftheguest-roomdoor.Andhe’dpacedwhilestaringatit,wonderingwhatthehellsheownedthatneededaspecialbag.
He’dtriedshoweringanddrinkingabeerbutfoundhimselfoutwalkingthroughtown,searchingforthispartyforwhichshe’dobviouslydressedup.Wasn’tthathardtolocateahousefullofoutsidersinaplacelikethis.
He’dseenadudestaggeringdownoneoftheblocksandaskedwherehe’dcomefrom,reasoningthathewouldjustcheckonHannah,makesureshegothomeallright.Hadn’thepromisedBrendanhe’dkeepaneyeonher?
Thatlittlereddress,though.
Helovedit—andhehateditwitheveryfiberofhisbeing.
Becauseshedidn’twearitforhim.Shewasn’tevenkissinghimforhim.
BeforeFoxleftforthetrip,Hannahhadmusedaboutawaytomakethedirectorjealous.LettingthemanthinksheandFoxweremorethanfriends.
Foxhadspottedthesonofabitchthesecondhewalkedintotheroom,nottwentyyardsfromwhereHannahwasdancingsoadorably.Hewaswatchingthemkissrightnow.She’dobviouslyignoredFox’swarningaboutcominglingtheirreputations,andnow…Damn
Hecouldn’tstopforthelifeofhim.Theywerealreadykissing,andsellinghisauthenticenjoymentwasn’texactlydifficult.Notatall.
JesusChrist,shetastedincredible.Fruityandfeminineandgrounding.
Eventhoughhe’dsteppedofftheDellaRayearlier,hewasonlynowbackonsolidground.
Didhepushherupagainsttheentrywaytooforcefully?He’dneverneededtogethistongueinsideawoman’smouthsobadly.He’dneverbeengrippedbyurgencyorjealousyorathousandotherunnamedemotionsthathadhimpullingdownherchinwithhisthumbtogetdeeper.God.God.
She’snottemporaryinanyway,okay?Handsoff
Brendan’svoiceinhisheadforcedFox’seyesopen,onlytofindHannah’sshuttightly.Sotightly.Hetracedhisthumbdowntoherthroatandfeltthemoanbuildingthere,wouldhavediedtotasteit.Hecouldprobablykeepthisup—bringherhomefromthispartyandtakehertobed,orgasmherintoastupor—becauseseducingwomenwasaneffortlessskill.
Yeah,alittlemoreofthisandshe’dspendthenightunderneathhim,butdidshetrulywantthat?No.No,shehadhercapsetatanotherman.Theyweregivingtheimpressionthatsexwasdefinitelyhappening,butactuallysleepingwithFoxwhenshewantedSergei?Thatwasn’tHannah’sstyle.
Shewastooloyal.Tooprincipled.Andhewouldn’ttakethatawayfromher,nomatterhowinsaneshetasted.Nomatterhowhardshewasmakinghiscockwiththosecommittedstrokesofhertongue,herhandspullingathisshirt.
Bottomlinewas,Brendanwasright.
Hannahwasthefurthestthingfromtemporary,andFoxonlydidshort-term.Veryshort-term.Thatpersonalrulekepthimfromgettinghishopesup,fromthinkinghecouldbeonehalfofarelationshipagain.Womendidn’tbringFoxhometomeettheirparents.Hewasmoreoftheside-piecetype.He’dbeentoldhiswholelifethathe’dturnoutexactlylikehisfather,andhe’dconfirmedalongtimeagothathesharedmorethanaprettyfacewiththeman.HewasperfectformakingHannah’sdirectorenvious.
Yeah.Arusewasallthiscouldbe.Afriendhelpingafriend.
Unfortunately,heknewenoughaboutwomentoknowHannahwasn’tfakingherenjoyment.Thosebreathywhimperswereforhisearsalone.ItwasonFoxtomakesuretheydidn’ttakethistoofar.Asin,allthewaybacktohisbed.
Despitetheeffortitcosthim,Foxbrokethekiss,pressingtheirforeheadstogetherastheybothstruggledtocatchtheirbreath.“Allright,
Freckles,”hesaid.“Ithinkweconvincedhim.”
Hereyesmethisinadaze.“What?Who?”
Forthefirsttime,Foxfelthisheartspeedupintoasprintwhileoffthewater.HadHannahjustkissedhim…tokisshim?Becauseshewantedto?
Hethoughtofthewayshe’dstoppeddancingwhenhewalkedin,thewayshe’dmovedinhisdirectionasifdrawnbyamagnet.Hadhemisreadeverything?Wasthisnotaboutmakingthedirectorjealous?“Hannah,I…
thoughtyouweretryingtoshowSergeiwhathe’smissing?”
Sheblinkedathimseveraltimes.“Oh.Oh.Yeah,Iknow,”shesaidinarushedwhisper,shakingherheadacoupleoftimes.“Iknewwhatyoumeant.S-sorry.”Whywouldn’tshelookathim?“Thankyoufor…beingsoconvincing.”
Foxcouldn’taccountfortherippleofpaininhisstomachwhensheglancedsidewaysatSergeitoseeifhe’dbeenwatching.
Ohyeah,theguywaslooking,allright.
Thisplanwasalreadyworking.
Hesuddenlyachedtoburyhisfistinthewall.
WhenHannahshifted,Foxrealizedhestillhadherflattenedagainsttheentrywayandbackedoffbeforeshefelthiserection.
“How,um”—shecuppedthebaseofherthroat,asiftohidethepinkskinthere—“howdidyouknowIwashere?”
“Ifollowedthetrailofdrunkpeople.”Herememberedtheredcupinherhandwhenhe’darrivedandconcerndrewhisbrowstogether.“You’renotoneofthem,areyou?Ididn’trealize—”
“Stop,Ihaven’thadenoughtodrinkthatyoutookadvantageofme,Fox.Onlyenoughtodancetoelectronica.”Shepuffedalaugh.“Anyway,Ikissedyou,remember?”
“Iremember,Hannah,”heassuredherinalowvoice,unabletokeephisgazefromdroppingtoherswollenlips.“Doyouwanttostayawhile?”
Sheshookherhead.Stopped.Asmilebloomedacrossherface,andallhecoulddowaswatchithappen,dazed.“Ididit,”shemurmured.“Iaskedtoassistwiththemusicalscoreandtheysaidyes.AndIdidn’tfallandnearlycrackmyheadopenthistime.”
Dumbheart.Dumb,pointlessheart,pleasestopturningover
Theproblemwas,Hannahwasextracuteafterafewdrinksandhappywithhergoodnews.AllFoxcouldthinkaboutwaskissingheragain,and
hecouldn’t.He’ddonehisjob;nowheneededtomovebackintofriendterritoryfast.Sheseemedtohavenoproblemputtinghimbackthere,right?
Hetreasuredthisfriendship,soheneededtofollowsuit.Pronto.
“Congratulations,”hesaid,returninghersmile.“That’samazing.You’regoingtobegreatatit.”
“Yeah…”Alittlelineformedbetweenherbrows.“Yeah.Iwill.I’llwakeuptomorrowandthesongswillbeback.”
Songswerethewayshecommunicatedhermoodsandfeelings.Howsheinterpretedeverything.He’dknownitlastsummer,andthatknowledgeofherhadonlygrownoversevenmonthsoftextmessages.Knowingexactlywhatshemeantmadehimfeel…special.“Wheredidthesongsgo?”
“Idon’tknow.”Herlipstwitched.“Maybesomeicecreamwouldhelp?”
“We’llhavetostoponthewayhome.Onlythevanillasideisleft.”
“Thenot-chocolateside,youmean?”Shesurveyedtheroom.“IguessIshouldsaygood-bye.Or…”Anoddlookcrossedherface.Somethinglikereluctance,buthecouldn’tbesure.“OrIcouldintroduceyouto,um..
Thereweresomeinterestedparties…”
Ittookhimaminutetorealizewhatshewasgettingat.“YoumeanthegirlswhocalleddibsonmewhenIwalkedintotheroom?”Hekissedherforeheadsoshewouldn’tseehowmuchthatbotheredhim.Itshouldn’t.
He’dembracedthewaypeoplesawhim.“Hardpass,Freckles.Let’sgogeticecream.”
***
ThefirstthreetimesHannahteeteredinherheels,Foxstartedtoworrythatshewas,infact,shit-faced.Hadshereallywantedthatkiss?Attheveryleast,ifhe’dknownshe’dhadalottodrink,hewouldn’thaveletitgoonsolong.
Theclearqualityofherspeechputmostofhisfearstorest—allexcepttheoneaboutHannahbreakingherneckinthoseheels.Soontheirwayoutoftheconveniencestore,hesteppedinfrontofher,gesturingimpatientlysoshewouldn’tsuspectthathewantedtocarryher.“ThisisnotthekindofrideIusuallyofferwomen.”Hebenthiskneesalittletoaccommodatetheir
heightdifference.“ButtheicecreamisgoingtomeltifwehavetotakeatriptotheER,sohopon.”
Helovedthatshesimplyjumped.Notasecond’shesitationtoreadhisintentionsortellhimapiggybackridewascrazy.Shejustshovedthepintofchocolateicecreamunderherarmandleapt,loopingherfreearmlooselyaroundhisneck.“Younoticedmylackofhigh-heelgame,didyou?
Knowwhat’scrazy?Iactuallylikethem.Piperwouldn’ttellmehowmuchtheycost—Ihighlysuspectbecauseshenevercheckedthepricetag—buttheastronomicalpricemeansthey’rekindoflikewalkingoncottonballs.”
Sheyawnedintohisneck.“I’vebeenjudgingherforwearinguncomfortableshoesforthesakeoffashion,buttheyarecozyandtheyreallydoelongatetheleg,Fox.IthinkIjustneedsomepractice.”
Okay,shewasn’tdrunk,butshe’dhadenoughalcoholtoramble,andhecouldn’tstopgrinningastheypassedbeneathastreetlight.“Theylookniceonyou.”
“Thankyou.”
Whatagiganticunderstatement.Theymadeherlegslookdelicateandstrongatthesametime,flexinghercalves.Makinghimacknowledgehowperfectlytheywouldfitintothepalmofhishand.Makinghimwanttostrokethecontourofthemwithhisthumbs.Foxswallowed,tighteninghisgriponherbareknees.Don’tgoanylowerorhigher,asshole.“Soyougotthegreenlighttoassistonthemusicalscore.Whatdoesthatmean?”Histhroatflexed.“WillyoubespendingmoretimewithSergei?”
Ifsheheardtheslightlystranglednoteinhisvoice,shechosetoignoreit.“No.JustBrinley.Youknow,theleading-ladytype?”
Someofthepressurecrowdinghischestdissipated.“I’mnotonboardwithyoucallingotherwomenthat.Asifyou’renotinthesamecategory.”
Shedroppedherchinontohisshoulder.“IfeltlikeIwastonight.Gotmybig,dramaticmoviekissandeverything.”
“Yeah.”Hisvoicesoundedlikeitwascomingfromthebottomofabarrel.Nowthathisshockfromthekisswaswearingoff,hecouldonlyworryaboutpeopleintownfindingoutaboutit.DidyouhearFoxputthemovesontheyoungersister?Itwasonlyamatteroftime.“WasthereanyforwardmovementontheSergeifrontwhileIwasgone?”heforcedout.
“Oh…no.Noyardsgained.”
ThequietdisappointmentinhertonehadFoxturningsharply,stompingupthestairstohisapartment,thecrowdedsensationbackinhischest,alongwiththatforeignsmackofjealousythathereallydidn’twanttogetusedto.
“That’llteachyoutooutrightdismissmylip-bitingandarm-squeezingadvice,”heforcedhimselftosay.
“Oh,comeon,thatwasn’treal,usableadvice.Whatelseyougot,Peacock?”
Whatwashesupposedtodohere?Refusetogiveheradviceandmakehispointlessenvyobvious?Forasplitsecond,heconsideredgivingherterriblesuggestions.Liketellingherthatmenlovetodiagnosestrangeskinrashes.Orbethesolemaleattendeeatdrunkkaraokenightswiththegirls.
Hannahwastoosmartforthat,though.He’djusthavetohopesheignoredthisadvicelikethelasttime.
Whywashehopingthatagain?Wasn’thesupposedtobeherfriend?
“Huh.”Heattemptedtoswallowtheguilt,butonlyabouthalfofitwentdown.“Menliketofeeluseful.Itstirsupourpreciousalphamalepride.
Findsomethingheavyandtellhimyouneeditlifted.Youwillhaveemphasizedyourphysicaldifferencesandthus,thefactthathe’samanandyou’reawoman.Menneedwaylesspromptingtothinkof…”
“Sex?”
Jesus,itwaslikehe’deatensomethingspicy.Hecouldn’tstopclearinghisthroat.Orthinkingofherwiththedirector.“Right,”hepracticallygrowled.
“Notetoself,”shesaid,pretendingtowriteanoteintheair,“findboulder.Askforassistance.Manipulatethemalepsyche.ByJove,IthinkI’vegotit.”
FoxdoubtedPencilArmscouldliftapebble,letaloneaboulder,buthekeptthattohimself.“You’reafastlearner.”
“Thankyou.”Shesmirkedathimoverhisshoulder.Soadorable,hecouldn’thelpbutgiveheroneback.“Howwasthefishingtrip?”
Heblewoutabreathwhileretrievingthekeysfromhispocket,usingthemoonlighttodecipherwhichwastheoneforhisapartment.“Fine.Alittlestrained.”
Foxprobablyneverwouldhaveadmittedthatoutloudifhewasn’tthrownoffbyhisjealousy.Damn,thiswasnotagoodlookforhim.
Itwasn’tasifhewantedHannahtobehisgirlfriend,instead.
God,no.Agirlfriend?Him?Hedousedtheridiculousflickerofhopebeforeitcouldgrowanylarger.Itwasbadenoughhe’dallowedthatkisstogosolongtonight.Nowayhe’ddragherallthewayintothemudwithhim.
Assoonastheyclearedthethresholdofhisapartment,FoxkickedthedoorclosedbehindthemandHannahslidoffhisback.Hecouldn’tstophimselffromobservingthewayshetuggedtheskirtofherdressdown.Ithadriddenhigh,torturouslyso,onherlegs.And,God,theskinontheinsideofherthighslookedsmooth.Lickable.
“Whywasthetripstrained?”sheasked,followinghimintothekitchenwithherpintoficecream.
Strained,indeed.Foxshookhisheadwhiletakingtwospoonsoutofthedrawer.“Noreason.ForgetIsaidanything.”
Wide-eyedandflushed,sheleanedagainsthiskitchenisland.“IsitBrendan’sfault?BecauseIcan’ttalktrashaboutmysister’sfiancé.Unlessyoureallywantto.”Abeatpassed.“Okay,youconvincedme.What’shisproblem?Hecanbesomean.And,like,whatiswiththebeanie?Isitgluedon?”
Alaughsnuckoutbeforehecouldcatchit.
Howdidshedothis?Howcouldsheriphimfreeofthejawsofenvyandbringhimbacktoaplaceofcomfortandbelonging?Thefactthattheywereinhiskitchen,withnooneelsearound,madeitaloteasiertorelax.Itwasjustthem.JustHannah,nowbarefoot,workingoffthetopoftheicecream,givinghimherundividedattention.Hewantedtosinkintoit,intoher.Hewas…selfishwhenitcametoHannah.Yeah.Hewantedhisfriendalltohimself.Nodirectorsallowed.
“IguessyoucouldsayitwastensebecauseofBrendan,”Foxsaidslowly,handingHannahaspoonacrosstheisland.“ButI’mequallytoblame.”
“Areyouguyshavingafight?”
Heshookhishead.“Notafight.Justadifferenceofopinion.”Thatwasputtingitmildly,consideringheandhisbestfriendhadbeenlikeoilandwaterallweek.BrendancontinuedtobroachtheuncomfortablesubjectofhisintentionswithHannah,leadingtoFoxavoidinghim,whichwasnoteasytodointhemiddleoftheocean.They’dstormedofftheboatinoppositedirectionsassoonasitreachedthedockinGrays.“Youknow
Brendanisaddingasecondcrabbingboattothecompany?It’sbeingbuiltinAlaska.Almostfinishedatthispoint.”
Hannahnoddedaroundherfirstbite.“Pipermentionedit,yes.”
Ittookhimadeepbreathtosaythenextpartoutloud.He’dtoldnoone.
“Lastsummer,aroundthetimeyouandPipershowedup,BrendanaskedmetotakeoverascaptainoftheDellaRay.Sohecouldmovetothenewboat,focusonbuildingasecondcrewsowecanbettercompeteduringcrabseason.”
Hewaitedforthecongratulations.Waitedforhertogasp,comearoundtheisland,andhughim.Truthfully,hewouldn’thavemindedthehug.
Instead,sheloweredthespoonandwatchedhimsolemnly,awealthofthoughtsdancingbehindhereyes.“Youdon’twanttobethecaptainoftheDellaRay?”
“OfcourseIdon’t,Hannah.”Helaughed,abuzzsawturningagainstthebackofhisneck.“It’sanhonortobeasked.Thatboat—it’s…apartofthehistoryofthistown.But,Jesus,I’mnotinterestedinthatlevelofresponsibility.Idon’twantit.Andheshouldknowmewellenoughtorealizethat.Youshouldknowmewellenoughtorealizeit,too.”
Hannahblinked.“Idoknowyouwellenough,Fox.Thefirstconversationweeverhadwasaboutyoubeingcontenttotakeordersandwalkawaywhistlingwithapaycheck.”
Whydidhehatethefirstimpressionhe’dgivenherwhenitwasperfectlyaccurate?Hewasevenperpetuatingitnow.Doublingdown.
Becauseitwasthetruth—hewascontentlikethis.Neededtobe.
Ateighteen,he’dhadaspirationsofbeingsomethingotherthanafisherman.He’devenformedastart-upwithacollegefriendandfellowbusinessmajor.Westportandhistomcatstatuswerealmostintherearviewwhenherealizedhecouldneverescapeit.Fromthousandsofmilesaway,hispastandtheexpectationspeoplehadforhimcastashadow.Spoiledthebusinessandpartnershiphe’dtriedtobuild.Hisreputationfollowedhim,poisoningeverythingittouched.So,yeah,therewasnosensetryingtobesomethinghewasn’t.
Mendidn’twantaleader,acaptain,theycouldn’trespect.
“That’sright.”Heturnedandtookabeeroutofthefridge,uncappingitwithhisteeth.“I’mfinerightwhereIam.Noteveryonehastostriveforgreatness.Sometimesgettingbyisjustasrewarding.”
“Okay.”HefacedHannahagainintimetoseehernod,seeminglikeshewantedtostaysilentbutwasunabletodoit.“Haveyouletyourselfvisualizebeingcaptain,though?”
“Visualizeit?”Heraisedaneyebrow.“You’veneversoundedmoreLA.”
“IfLAgetsonethingright,Peacock,it’stherapy.”
“Idon’tneedtherapy,Hannah.AndIdon’tneedyoutoplaythesupportingactress,allright?That’snotwhyItoldyou.Soyoucouldtalkmethroughmyproblems.”
Sherearedback,losinghergriponthespoon.Itclatteredontotheisland,andshehadtoslapahanddownonittostopthetinnynoise.
“You’reright,”shebreathed.“That’sexactlywhatI’mdoing.I’msorry.”
Foxwishedforquicksandtoswallowhimwholesohewouldn’thavetoseethedazedacceptanceonherface.Hadhereallyputitthere?Whatthehellwaswrongwithhim?“No,I’msorry.Thatwasashittythingformetosay.I’msorry.I’mbeing…defensive.”
Hermouthliftedatthecorner,butherheartwasn’tfullyinthesmile.
“Beingdefensive?You’veneversoundedmoreLA.”
God,helikedher.
“Look,Ican’t”—therewasapulsingsqueezeinthedeadcenterofhisbody,demandinghegivehersomething,apoundofflesh,inexchangeforsnapping—“visualizeit.Okay?WhenIvisualizemyselfasthecaptain,Iseeanimposter.I’mnotBrendan.Idon’ttakeeverythingunderthegoddamnsunseriously.I’mjustagoodtime,andeveryoneknowsit.”
Hetookalongsipofhisbeer,setitdownwithaclank.Afewyearsback,Brendanhadpromotedhimtoreliefskipper,anddespiteFox’sreservations,he’dgrudginglytakentheposition,knowinghe’dseldomberequiredtotakethewheelfromsteady-as-hellBrendan.Eversincethen,themenlikedtojokethatFoxdidn’tmindsloppyseconds.Whenhetookthewheelforabriefspell,theyequatedittohisone-nightstands.
Inandout.Justlongenoughtogetyourdickwet,right,man?
Foxlaughed,pretendedtoletitrolloffhisback,butthecommentsdugunderhisskin,deepereachtime.Especiallysincelastsummer.NowBrendanwantedhimtobecaptain?Tofaceevenmoreskepticismandlackofrespect?Notafuckingchance.
“Eventuallyhe’drealizeaskingmewasamistake.I’mjusttryingtobeconsiderateandsaveeveryonesomevaluabletime.”
Hannahsatsilentforamoment.“ThisishowyoufeelwhenIsayI’mnotaleadinglady,Iguess.”
Thatgavehimpause.Thefactthatshe’dcastherselfinsomepermanentbenchwarmerrolediddrivehimcrazy.Butno,theywerecomingfromdifferentplacesentirely.“Thedifferenceis,youwanttobealeadinglady.Idon’twanttobetheheroofthestory.I’mnotinterested.”
Shepressedherlipsintoaline.
Foxnarrowedhiseyesather.“Areyoudoingthatthingwithyourmouthbecauseyou’retryingtotrapallthepsychologicaltermsyouwanttothrowatme?”
Herexpressionturnedmiserable.“Yes.”
Heforcedalaugh.“I’msorrytodisappointyou,Freckles,butthere’snothinghere.Noteveryoneisfertilegroundforfixing.”
Sheliftedhershouldersandletthemdrop.“Okay,Iwon’ttry.Ifyoutellmeyoudon’twanttobethecaptain,I’llbelieveyou.I’llsupportthat.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”Afewsecondsslidby.“Afteryouvisualizeyourselfbeinggoodatcaptaining.Putyourselfinthewheelhouseandimagineyourselfenjoyingit.Thecrewthinksofyouasagoodtime,butthereisatimeforfunandatimeforresponsibility.Theyseethatyourecognizethedifference.”
“Hannah…”Whywashepanicking?Hedidn’twanttovisualizehimselfbeingtakenseriouslyasBrendan’sreplacement.Thatwouldonlyleadtofalsehope.Didn’tsherealizethat?Besides,itwasn’tpossible.Evenifhisimaginationcouldconjuresomethingsounlikely,hewouldneverbeabletorealisticallyseehimselfinthatleadershipposition.“Ican’tdoit,”hesaid,jerkingashoulderback.“Ican’tseeit,Hannah,andIdon’twantto.
Allright?Iappreciateyoutryingforme.”
Afteramoment,shenodded.“Okay.”Aslow,playfulsmile.“I’mafraidourtimetogetherisup.We’llresumethisdiscussionduringnextweek’ssession.”
“I’msorrythereweren’tanybreakthroughs.”
Shetookhertimeenjoyinganotherbiteofchocolateicecream,hissuspicionsrisingwhenhermouthtookonacockyshapearoundthespoon.
HisbottleofbeerremainedpoisedaninchfromhislipsashewatchedHannahswaggeraroundthecounter,neatlyplacingherspooninthedishwasher.“Oh,IthinkIsowedafewseeds.”
Andmaybeshehad.
Becausewhenshelookedupintohiseyes,hepulledenoughstrengthfromhertovisualizehimselfinthewheelhouse,justforthebriefestmoment.FortheveryfirsttimesinceBrendanaskedhimtoconsiderthejob,helethimselfgriptheimaginarywheel,knowinghewouldn’thavetogiveitupthesecondBrendancamebackfromtakingaleakorfixingsomethingintheengineroom.He’dhaveitfromthetimetheysetsail,rightupuntildockingagain.Heimaginedhearinghisvoiceovertheradio,movementonthedeck.
Returninghomehavingdoneeverythingright,earningtherespectofthecrew—that’swherehegotstuck.Hecouldn’tseethatforthelifeofhim.
Foxbanishedtheimageasquicklyaspossible,clearinghisthroathard.
“Goodnight,Freckles.”
“Goodnight,”Hannahsaidwarmly,goinguponhertoestokisshischeek.“Whatkindofmusicdaydidyouhave?”
Heletoutabreath,happytobebackonfamiliarground.“Cominghomeafterfourdaysonthewater?Mmm.Somethingabouthome.”
“‘Home.’ByEdwardSharpeandtheMagneticZeros.”
Hebarelykepthishandfromliftingtobrushbackherhair.“Idon’tknowthatone,”hemanaged.
“I’lltextittoyoubeforeIgotosleep.It’sperfect.”
Foxnodded.“You?”
Shewaggledhereyebrowsandbackedaway.“‘JustOneKiss’bytheCure.”
“Cute.”
Watchinghercrosstheapartmentinhershortreddress,smilingknowinglyathimoverherbareshoulderbeforedisappearingintotheguestroom,FoxstartedtowonderiflivingwithHannahcouldbedangerousinmorewaysthanone.
Putyourselfinthewheelhouseandimagineyourselfenjoyingit.Thecrewthinksofyouasagoodtime,butthereisatimeforfunandatimeforresponsibility.Theyseethatyourecognizethedifference
Hannahthoughtifshedugaroundalittle,she’dfindsomethinginterestingorworthwhileunderhissurface?She’dfindhislong-buriedambition?
Maybeheshouldshowherexactlywhathedidbest.
Hecouldblureverythoughtinherbeautifulhead,leavingonlythecertaintythatheliveduptothehype.Thathewasonlygoodforonething.
FoxpicturedHannahontheothersideofthewall,thatreddressslippingdowntoherankles.Howherskinwouldflushifhewalkedthroughthedoor.
Justonekiss,he’dsay,exhalingagainstthenapeofherneck.Let’sseeaboutthat
Don’t.Don’tfuckthisup
Andhewould.Inaheartbeat.Whenthetruthwas…forthefirsttimeinalong,longtime,hedidn’twantagirlthinkinghewasonlygoodforonething.Hannahwaslikealeafbloweraimedrightathisundisturbedpileofpossibilities,anddamn,thehopefeltkindofgood.Atthesametime,hewantedthemstuffedbackunderthetarp.Protected.
Foxtookastepinthedirectionofherroom,replayingthatkiss,imaginingthebumpofthebedandhercriesfillingtheapartment.ItwasonlybythegraceofGodthathemadeitintohisroomwithoutknockingonherdoor.Buthellifhedidn’tspendthewholenightthinkingaboutit.
ChapterEight
TherewasnofilmingonSaturdayandmostofthecastandcrewheadedtoSeattletotakeadvantageofthetimeoff.HannahreceivedatextfromChristianatteninthemorningthatread,YoucomingtoSeattle,yesorno?
Idon’tcareeitherway.Andwhileitwasincrediblyhardtopassupsuchakindandgenerousinvitation,HannahwasanxioustogetsomesistertimewithPiper.WithBrendanbackonterrafirmatoentertainhisparents,thecaptainverywiselyhandedPiperhiscreditcard,gruntedathertobecareful,kissedherliketheskywasfalling,andnudgedadazedPipertowardHannah,whowaitedinthedrivewaypretendingtogetsickoverthepublicdisplayofaffection
“Okay,butseriously,”Hannahsaid,climbingintothepassengersideofBrendan’struck,whichtheywereborrowingfortheday.“Doesyourvaginaevergettired?”
Pipersnorted.“SometimesIswearitis,butthat’sjustmycuetohydrate.”Hannahfellsidewaysontotheseatlaughing,hersisterrufflingherhairwithanindulgentsmile.“Whenhe’sdoingitright,itnevergetsold.”
Pipercheckedhermakeupintherearview,smackedherlipstogether,andstartedthetruck.“Somedayyou’llhaveareasontoagree.”
Hannahdidn’tlikewherehermindwent—anditwentthereimmediately.
ThewayFoxstaredatherlastnightasshe’dwalkedintoherbedroom.
Hemustnothaveexpectedhertoglancebackoverhershoulderorhewouldn’thavehadthatlookinhiseye.Honestly,theword“seductive”
normallysoundedridiculoustoher.AwordthatremindedherofoldSharonStonemovietrailers.Ormaybeshe’dhearitonceinawhileflippingthroughcablewherethecoffeecommercialslived.
Seductiveblends.Seductivearoma.
She’dneverreallyconsideredthetruemeaningoftheworduntilnow
Foxwasattractive.Like,insanelyso.Thatwasagiven.Butlastnight,thatlookinhiseyehadaccidentallygivenherapeekbehindthecurtain,anditwaslikesettingfootinanewcountrywithadifferentcurrencyandclimate.
Shewouldevenventuretocallhisexpressionsmoldering.He’dbeenthinkingaboutsex—nomistakingit.Andwhileshe’dbelyingtosaytherewasn’talwaysacurrentofphysicaltensionrunningbetweenthem,she’dalwaysassumedFoxjustgaveitoffallbyhimself.Itcamewiththeterritoryofbeinginhisvicinity
Lastnightwasdifferent.
Lastnight,forthatbriefmoment,allofthatpotentsexualenergyhadbeenconcentratedonher,andshe’dheatedlikeanoven,theknobsonherawarenessturnedtothehighestsetting.Didhewanttosleepwithher?Thefactthathe’dgivenheradviceonhowtocaptureSergei’sattentionmadethepossibilityseemremote.ButthemerethoughtofFoxwantingherwaslikeskydiving.Afree-falling,leave-her-stomach-in-the-airevent.
AtUCLA,she’ddatedoneofherfellowmusichistorymajors,thatrelationshiplastingjustoverayear.ItwasseriousenoughtointroducehimtoherparentsandtakeavacationtogetherinMaui.Butherinterestinhimhadmainlybeenbasedonconvenience,sincetheyhadclassestogether,andhedidn’tmakeafusswhenHannahretreatedintoherheadphones.He’djusthopontheXboxandzoneout,too.Afterawhile,therelationshipturnedintoacompetitionoffindingwaystoignoreeachother—definitelynoreasontousetheword“seductive.”
EvenwhilenursinghercrushonSergei,she’ddated.Anextrashe’dmetonset,freshfromafarminIllinois,followinghisdreaminLosAngeles.Astuntcoordinatorwhospenttheentiredatehittingherwithclassicmovietrivia,whichshedidn’ttechnicallymind—theyweresocialmediafriendsnow—butthere’dbeennoviableconnection.
Inotherwords,she’dbeenplayingintheminorleagues.
Ifthatkissatthepartywasanyindication,Foxwasinamajorleagueallhisownwhenitcametointimacy.Sure,she’dknownthat.Intheory.HewasacertifiedCasanovaanddidn’tevenbothertryingtodenyit.
Experiencingthoseskillslastnight,puttingthatknowledgeintopractice,hadbeeneye-openingtosaytheleast.
Shewasprettysureherbrainandovarieshadbrieflyswappedlocationsduringthatkiss.
Ifhewantedtosleepwithher—andcomeon,itwasentirelypossibleshe’dmisreadhim—whatwouldshedowithallofthat…seductivesmolder?Whycouldn’tshestopthinkingaboutitnow?Howhewouldmove.Howhewouldgroanwhenthereliefhit.Whatthefrontsofhismuscularthighswouldfeellikeagainstthebacksofhers.
Hewoulddoitright.
He’ddehydratetheshitoutofher.
“Hannah.”
“What?”sheshouted.
Pipersqueakedandswervedthetruck,shootingHannahawide-eyedlook.“Iaskedifyouwantedtostopforcoffee.”
“Oh.Sorry.”Wasshesweating?“OfcourseIdo.”
Hannahshookherself,focusedoncountingthewhitelinespaintedinthemiddleoftheroad.Guiltsettledintoherstomachlikesedimentinawineglass.NomorethinkingaboutFoxinthoseterms.Sexterms.Thekiss,followedbythathungrylook,hadjustthrownherforaloop.Nowsheneededtogetbackontrack.Backtobattingintheminors.Backtoherharmlesscrushonthedirector.She’dprobablymisreadFox,anyway.
Aftertheystoppedforgiantlattessmotheredincaramelandwhippedcream,PiperdroveHannahaboutfortyminutessouthtoanoutdoorshoppingmall.Theyspentthedaybrowsingracksbutweretoobusytalkingandcatchinguptobuymuchofanything,althoughPiperwalkedoutofthelingeriestorelookingverysuperiorwithalittlepinkbag,andHannahboughtanewpairofroundtortoiseshellsunglasses.TheyspentmostoftheirtimetogetherlingeringoverlunchatacozyFrenchbistro,continuingtoordermoreandmorecoffeesotheywouldn’tgetkickedout.
TheskywasdarkeningbythetimetheyheadedbacktoWestport,Hannahsingingalongtotheradio,badly,buthersisterwasusedtoit.
“Hey,”Pipersaidwhenthesonghadended.“BrendanisbringinghisparentsintoCrossandDaughterstonight.Comeandmeetthem?”
“AsifIwouldpassupachancetomeetthoseresponsibleforspawningtheMeanOne?”Shetuggedthephoneoutofherpocket.“LetmejusttextFox.”
Pipersniffedloudly.
“I’mstayingwithhim.It’sthepolitethingtodo.”Hannahstartedtofireoffaquicktext,thenhesitated.“ShouldIinvitehim?”
“It’sSaturdaynight—hedoesn’thave”—hersisterlookedathermeaningfully—“plans?”
“Plans,like…oh.”Herstomachhadnorighttodrop.“I—Imean,hedidn’tmentionanything.Likeadate.ButifIinvitehim,theworsthecansayisno.”
Whywasshenervoushewouldturnherdown?TellherhewasheadedtoSeattleforhisusualrecreationalactivities?WhatFoxdidwithhistimewasnoneofherbusiness.Herfingershoveredoverthescreenforafewmoresecondsbeforeshetappedoutatext.
HANNAH(7:18PM):HeadingtoCross&DaughterswithPiperifyou’reinterested.
Aminutelater,heanswered.
FOX(7:19PM):Seeyouthere,Freckles.
Hannahletoutaslowbreathandtippedherheadbackagainsttheseat.
Thespeedwithwhichherstomachcalmedwasalarming.Butitdid.Likearagingseaturningintoatranquillakeinthespaceoffourwords.Whatwasthatabout?Didshesimplycovettheshortlengthoftimeshehadtospendwithafriend?Thatwastotallypossible,right?
TheywalkedintoCrossandDaughtersalittlewhilelater,theeveningcrowdonlystartingtotricklein.Hannah’sheartsqueezedthemomentshesteppedoverthethreshold,bombardedbyimagesofherandPipersandingtheold,neglectedbar,findingthatphotographofHenrybehindapieceofplywood,sprintingtothedoorwithaflamingfryingpan,gettingreadyforthegrandopening.Somanymemoriespackedintosuchasmallspace.Andtherewasadefinitesatisfactionthatcamefromlookingupandknowingshewastheonewhohungthegold,spray-paintedfishingnetfromtheceiling.
PiperslippedbehindthebartoconsultwithAnitaandBenny,thenewlyhiredwaitressandbartenderPiperhadtoldheraboutoverlunch.Hersisterlookedsoconfident,pointingoutthingsonthedrinkmenu,answeringaquestionabouthowtooperatetheregister.Ayearago,Piperhadneverseen
acheckbook,letalonebalancedone.Nowsheownedandoperatedasuccessfulbar.
God,Hannahwasproudofher.
“Youokayoverthere?”
SheturnedatthesoundofFox’sdeepdrawl,findinghimleaningbackonabarstool,onearmrestingalongthebackoftheseat,theothersteadyingabeerbottleinhislap.Therewasnohelpforthepricklesthatranalongherscalp,downherneck,andaroundtothefront,hardeninghernipplesintopoints.Ithappenedsofast,shedidn’thavetimetothinkofsomethingtocountertheeffect,likeslugsorsnotorfootfungus.
Foxwatchedithappenknowingly,too,theblueofhiseyesdeepeningashadeastheydippedtoherbreasts,thebeerbottleliftingtohissculptedlipsforalong,hardpull.
Getyourselftogether,Hannah
ThiswassimplytheeffectFoxhadonwomen.Butshedidn’thavetobelikeeveryoneelseandletitbecomeAThing.Shecouldacknowledgehisattractivenessandremainobjective,right?
“Hey.Yes.Iwasjust,um…”Beggingherselftostopbeinganidiot,Hannahhoppedontothestoolbesidehim.“Iwasjustrememberingalltheworkthatwentintothisplace.”
Henodded.“Yougirlsbroughtitbacktolife.”
Shenudgedhimwithanelbow,sighinginwardlywhenhisfirmmuscledidn’tbudgeintheslightest.“Youhelped.”
“Iwasjusthereforthecompany,”hesaidquietly,holdinghergazelongenoughtoturnherstomachintoajunglegym.Then,asifforcinghimselftoswitchgears,hereachedoverandtappedhernose.“Whatdoyouwanttodrink?”
“Hmmm.Noliquor.Ifilledmyyearlyquotalastnight.Beer,maybe?”
“Beeritis.”
FoxnoddedatBennyandorderedsomethingvaguelyGerman-sounding.
Amomentlater,Hannahwassippingonacoldpintglassfullofagoldensubstance,anorangewedgestuckontherim.“Thisisgood.Thisisbeer?”
Hegrinned.“Uh-oh.Someoneisgoingtofilltheiryearlybeerquota,too.”
“Ohno.Notme.Ihavetobeonsetinthemorning.”
“We’llsee.”Cockily,hecrossedhisarms.“Youhaven’tbeenhereinawhile.”
Hannahpausedmidwaythroughasip.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
Shenevergotheranswer,becauseatthatsamemoment,Piperpokedherintheshoulder,presentingBrendan’sparentswithaflourish.“Hannah,thisisMr.andMrs.Taggart.MichaelandLouise,thisismysister,Hannah.”
Oh,thesewereBrendan’sparents,allright.Nomistakingit.Theywerestiffshoulderedandserious,notatallcomfortableinthebarsetting.Buttheyweretrying,eveniftheirsmilesweredistracted.WithoutlookingatPiper,Hannahcouldfeelhersister’snervesoverhavingherfuturemother-andfather-in-lawinthebar,soHannahdidwhatshedidbest.Shecalledforthherinnerhypegirl.
Puttingonabroadsmile,Hannahslippedbackoffthestoolandleanedintokissthecheeksoftheoldercouple,squeezingtheirhandsatthesametime,drawingtheirfullattention.“It’ssolovelytomeetyou.AreyouenjoyingyourtimebackinWestport?”
Louise’stensionunlockedslightly.“Yes,weare.NotmuchhaschangedaboutthetownandIfindthatquitecomforting.”
Likemother,likeson,huh?
“Piperhasbeentellingmeallafternoonhowincredibleithasbeentohaveyouvisitingthem.Youshouldbeworriedaboutherlockingyouinthehouseandnotlettingyougo.”
Louisechuffedalittle,hercheekstintingwithpink.“Oh.Well,isn’tthatsweet.”
Hannahnodded.“Sheevencreatedasignaturecocktailforyourvisit.
The…Taggart-tini.Right,Pipes?”Hersisterstaredbackatherunblinking,asmilefrozenonherface.“Whatareyouwaitingfor?Getbackthereandmakethemone.”
Piperturnedandcircledaroundtotheothersideatthepaceofasloth.
WantingtobuyhersistersometimetoactuallycreatetheTaggart-tini,HannahlaidahandonFox’sarm.“YoumustknowFox,right?HegrewupwithBrendan.”
ItwasimpossibletomistaketheslightcoolinginLouise’stemperature.
Verysubtle,butHannahdetecteditinthepincharoundthecornersofhermouth.“Yes,ofcoursewedo.Hello,Fox.”
Foxturnedslightlyandnoddedatthecouple.“Goodtoseeyou,Mr.andMrs.Taggart.”Hissmileseemedforced.“Hopeyou’rehavinganicevisit.”
“Weare,thankyou,”Michaelsaid,equallystiff.
Hannahfrownedinwardlyattheexchange,itchingtoaddressitwithFox,butPiperchosethatmomenttoslidetwocloudyredmartinisacrossthebar.“Hereitis!”Pipersangthroughherteeth.“TheTaggart-tini.”
“Oh,well,Icouldn’tpossibly…”Louisestarted,clutchinghercollar.
“Oh,butyouwill,won’tyou?”Hannahpassedthedrinkstothecouple,helpingthemclinktheirrimstogether.“Onesipwon’thurt.”
Twentyminuteslater,LouisehadPiper’sfaceinherhands,herwordsever-so-slightlyslurred.“Ihaveneverseenmysonsohappy.Youareanangel.Anabsoluteangel,isn’tshe,Michael?Oursonsmilesnow!It’salmostdisconcertinghowoftenhesmiles,andyou—youaregoingtogivemegrandbabies,aren’tyou?Ohplease.Youangel.Mysonisaluckyman.”
PiperlookedoveratHannah,blinkingbackgratefultears.
Thankyou,shemouthed.
Hannahletoutasatisfiedexhaleandwentbacktoherbeer,whichwasunfortunatelywarmnow,realizingafterseveralmomentsthatFoxwasstaringather.“Damn,Hannah.Thatwasnothingshortofmasterful.”
Shegaveasubtlebow.“Thepowerofalcohol,Peacock.”
“Uh-uh.”Adamantly,heshookhishead.“Thatwasallyou.”
“PiperwashavingahardtimerelatingtoLouise.Theyjustneededalittlepush,that’sall.Whodoesn’tlovePiper?”ShelookedbackoverhershouldertowhereLouisewasnowattemptingtoslowdancewithPipertoapowerballad.“Let’sseeifmysisterisstillgratefultomorrowwhenshe’sgotahungoverfuturemother-in-lawonherhands.”
Foxchuckled.“Nothingsomegreasypotatoescan’tcure.Theimportantthingis,theiceisbroken.”
Don’tbringuptheweirdexchangebetweenFoxandLouise.Don’t.Whydoyoualwayshavetoaddresseverylittlething?“Speakingofice…”Nicesegue,BarbaraWalters.“DidIimaginealittleawkwardnessbetweenyouandBrendan’smother?”
Hetookhistimeanswering.“Nah,youdidn’timagineit.”Hislaughcrackledasheshiftedinthechair.“Nothingserious.TheywerejustprotectiveofBrendangrowingup,andIwas,youknow,thebadinfluenceonherotherwiseperfectkid.”
Therewasnobitternessinthewayhesaidit.Justmakingastatement.
“Doyouthinkyouwereabadinfluence?”
“No,”hesaidslowly,afterseveralsecondshadtickedby.“Iwas,uh…
promiscuousbeforetheotherguysmyagewereready.ButI’dneverputpressureonanyoneelsetodo…whatIdid.WhatIdo,”heamendedquickly.“God,no.I’dneverdothat.”
Itseemedlikehewantedtosaymore.Alotmore.
Hannahwantedtohearit.Thatexplanationmaskedsomethingdeeper,buthewasalreadyrestlesslyorderingthembothanotherbeer,changingthesubjecttowhatshe’ddonethatday.Theobviouslysoretopicwasforgotten,andsoontheywerelaughing.OthermembersoftheDellaRaycrewsteadilymadetheirwaythroughthedoorandjoinedthegroup,untiltheywereallcrowdedaroundtwostools,tellingstories,Hannahgettingreacquaintedwiththelocalswho’dcometomeansomuchtoherlastsummer.
Shedidn’thavethisinLA.Andshe’dmissedit.Alot.
Backhome,shewenttoworkandwenthome.Everyonceinawhile,she’dgooutforadrinkwithhercoworkersatStormBorn,butshenevergotthisfeeling.Theonethatsaidshewasintherightplace.Thatshewashomeandwouldbeacceptedhere,noquestionsasked.Everytime.Duringaparticularlylong-windedstoryfromDeke,HannahfeltFoxwatchingherandlookedback,thealcoholthrummingalonginherveins,sendinggoosebumpsridinginaslowwaveupherarmsandneck.
Right,it’sthealcohol
Inadaze,shewatchedashewethislowerlip,rubbingthemoisturetogetherwiththetopone,leavinghismouthlookingfreshandmale.Hisheavy-liddedblueeyesneverleavingher.
Seductiveblends.Seductivearomas.
SharonStone.
Gohome,you’redrunk
“It’stimeforquarters!”Bennycalledoutbehindthebar,ringingabellthatwasmountedabovetheregister.“Whoaretonight’svictims?”
FoxtookHannah’swristandraisedherhandbeforesheknewwhatwashappening.
“Howaboutsisterversussister?”Brendanshoutedfromthebackofthebar.
HannahandPiperlockedeyesthroughthecrowdliketwowesterngunslingers.
“It’son!”Hannahcried.
Thebareruptedincheers.
Somuchforgoinghome.
***
FoxtippedbackonhisstooltogetabetterviewofHannahwhereshewasholdingcourtinthemiddleofthebar,competingagainsthersisterinthesilliestgameofquartershe’deverwitnessed.
Thegamehadonerule.
Bouncethequarteroffthetable.Landitinthepintglass.
ButinCrossandDaughters,therewasatwist.Everytimeaplayerlandedaquarterintheglass,theyhadtotelltheentirebaranembarrassingfactaboutthemselves.Thetraditionstartedonenightwhenasunburnedtouristdecidedtoplayquartersandwassomehowconvincedthisrulewasthenorm.Whatstartedasawaytorazzanout-of-townerhadbecomestandardgameplay.
Hannahhadn’tevenflinchedattherules,justnoddingasiftheymadeperfectsense.Notforthefirsttime,hemarveledoverhoweasilyshefitintothisplace,likeshe’dalwaysbeenthere.She’dcomeherelastsummerandgottenapart-timejobatDiscNDat,meldingseamlesslywiththeyoungergenerationslowlymakingtheirmarkonthisoldfishermen’stown.WhatwouldlifeherebelikeifthepairofBellingershadn’tshownup?Brendanwouldstillbewearinghisweddingring,yearspassingasheturnedharder,moreclosedoff.Fox…
Nothingwouldbedifferentonhisend,hethoughthastily.
He’dbeexactlythesame.
So,allright.Maybehewouldn’tbestandingontheedgeofthecrowd,withasmileonhisfaceamilewide,watchingHannahlaughsohardshecouldbarelystandup.Therewasnohelpingit.Shefeltlikethesunrisecomingupoverthewaterafterabadstorm.Andshewasterribleatquarters.HeronlysavinggracewasthatPiperwasworse.
Bothoftheirquarterrollshadrunoutbeforegettingasingleoneintheglass.Nowtheywerescoopingquartersoffthefloorintotheirpocketsand
gettingbackinposition,tryingtocompetewhiledoubledoverinlaughter.
Foxwasn’ttheonlyoneheldincompletethrall,either.Thelocalswereenamoredwithbothsisters,buthecouldn’tforthelifeofhimtakehiseyesoffHannah.Theentireplacesurroundedthegirls,cheeringthemon—andfinally,finally,Hannahgotaquarterintheglass,sendingthecustomersintoafrenzy.
“What’syourembarrassingfact?”Foxshoutedoverthenoise.
Hannahcringed.“Ifailedmydriver’stestbecauseIkeptchangingtheradiostation.”Sheheldupsomefingers.“Threetimes.”
“Whatshelacksinconcentrationbehindthewheel,shemakesupforindrivingmehomefromjail,”Piperadded,layingakissonHannah’scheek.
“Justkidding,Louise!”shecalledtohergapingmother-in-law,sendingherandHannahintoafitofhysterics.Shealmostlostherbalancecompletely,andFoxfiguredthatwashiscuetotakeherhome.
Hesethishalf-emptybeerdownontheclosesttableandapproachedHannah,acutelyawareofeveryonewithinearshot,includingPiperandBrendan.TheywerealreadywaryofHannahstayinginhisspareroom.
Everywordoutofhismouth,everyactionwasbeingscrutinizedtogaugehisinterestandintentions.ThelastthingFoxwantedwasanother“talk”
fromBrendan.He’dhadenoughofthoseontheboat.
SohetriedtosoundascasualaspossiblewhenhestoppedinfrontofHannah,duckingdownalittletoherleveluntiltheireyesmet.“Hey,I’mheadinghomeifyouwanttowalkwithme.”Briefly,hemetBrendan’seyes.“Orstayandgetaride.It’suptoyou.”
Withoutadoubt,ifshewentwithoptionnumbertwo,Foxknewhe’dsitinhisroomandwaituntilshewassafelyinside.
“IshoulddefinitelygonowifIdon’twanttobeazombieonsettomorrow,”shesaid,turningandthrowingherarmsaroundBrendanandPiper.“Iloveyouguys.Seeyousoon.”
“Weloveyou,too,”Brendansaid,pattingherontheheadandearninghearteyesfromhiswife.Notthathesawit,becausehewasbusygivingFoxadeathstare.
Right.
Itwaseasytoseewhathisfriendwastryingtocommunicatetohim.
WalkingoutofthebarwithHannahwouldsendthewrongsignal.Abadone.Geteveryone’stongueswaggingandultimatelymakeherlookbad.
God,thatwasthelastthinghewanted.Heneededtobemorecareful.Asofnow,they’dkepthertemporarystayinhisguestroomprettyquiet,butleavingthebartogetheronaSaturdaynightwouldwhipupanyspeculationthatmightalreadybebrewing.
“I’llmeetyououtside,”Foxsaidinarush,turningandwalkingblindlythroughthecrowdwithapitinhisstomach.Whenhesteppedoutintothecoolspringmist,hecouldn’tresistlookingbackthroughthewindowfromwherehe’djustcome,watchingHannahwavetoeveryoneonthewayout,gettingcaughtupinlonggood-byes,untilfinallyshejoinedhiminthenighttimeshadows.
Withoutaword,Hannahlinkedtheirarmstogether,layingherheadagainstFox’sshoulder,theshowoftrustcementingrightovertheholeinhisbelly.
“Jesus,Freckles,”Foxsaid,tracingthepartrunningdownthecenterofherhead.“Weneedtoworkonyourquartersgame.”
Shegasped.“Whatdoyoumean?Iwon!”
“Ah,no.Youweretheleast-worstloser.”
Herlaughterrangdownthemistystreet.“Whatistheadvantageofwinningwhenyouhavetotellpeoplesomethingembarrassingaboutyourself?It’sbackward.”
“WelcometoWestport.”
Shesighed,rubbedhercheekagainsthisarm.“Onnightslikethis,IthinkIcouldlivehere.”
Fox’sheartlurchedsohardhehadtowaitamomenttospeak.“Ohyeah?”
“Yeah.ButthenIrememberwhatacrazyideathatis.Ican’tliveinWestportandcontinueworkinginentertainment.Andthebar…”Shesmiled.“ThebarisPiper’s.”
Well,that’sthat.Right?
HowthehellwouldhehandleitifHannahmovedhere,anyway?He’dseeherconstantly.EverySaturdaynightwouldbelikethis.Pretendingtoherandeveryonewatchingthathedidn’twanttotakeherhome.Reallytakeherhome.Andoncethathappened,well.He’dbescrewed.He’dhavebrokenhisownruleaboutnothookingupinWestport,fuckedhisrelationshipwithBrendan,andpotentiallyhurtHannah’sfeelings.ItwasbestforeveryoneifshestayedinLA.
Buttellthattothedisappointmentsoheavythatitalmostdraggedhimdowntothecobblestones.
TheyturnedrightonWesthavenandcrossedthestreet,walkingalongthewaterwithoutverballyagreeingtoit.“DoyoulovetheoceanasmuchasBrendandoes?”
Thereshewent,askinghimquestionsthatmadehimthink.Questionsthatwouldn’tallowhimtoskatebywithaquip—andhedidn’treallylikedoingthatwithHannah,anyway.Helikedtalkingtoher.Lovedit,actually,evenwhenitwashard.“Ithinkweloveitindifferentways.Helovesthetraditionandstructureoffishing.Ilovehowwildnaturecanget.Howitcanbemorethanonething.Howitevolves.Oneyear,thecrabsareinoneplace,thenextthey’reinanother.Noonecan…definetheocean.Itdefinesitself.”
Hannahmusthavebeenholdingherbreath,becausesheblewitoutinarush.“Wow.”Shelookedoutoverthewater.“That’slovely.”
Hetriedtoignorethesatisfactionofbeingacknowledgedandunderstoodbecauseofsomethingthatcameoutofhismouth.Itwasn’toftenthathappenedtohim.Buthecouldn’tshrugitoff,sohejustletitsettlein.
“Okay,Ithinkyou’veconvincedme.Iwanttohuntkingcrabs.”Hannahnoddedfirmly.“I’mgoingtobeyournewestgreentail.”
Hecouldn’ttellifshewasjokingornot.
Shebetterbejoking.
“Arookieiscalledagreenhorn—andthatisn’thappening,babe.Youcan’tevenkeepyourbalanceduringquarters.”AnactualshiverblewthroughhimthinkingofHannahonthedeck,fifteen-storywavesbuildinginthebackground.“Ifyouhearmescreaminginthemiddleofthenight,you’retoblameformynightmares.”
“Icanjustbeinchargeofthemusicontheboat.”
“No.”
“Yougotmefeelingallromanticabouttheocean.It’syourfault.”
Helookeddownintoherfaceandfinally,thankGod,waspositiveshewasjoking.Andgoddamn.Inthemoonlight,heramusedfeatures,hershiningeyes…theywereamasterpiece.Hisbodythoughtso,too.Itlikedhermouthmostofall,howshemoistenedthelushpillowsofherlips,asif
preparingforakiss.Whowouldn’tkissthisbeautifulgirl,sofulloflife,inthemoonlight?
Foxloweredhisheadslightly.“Hannah…”
“Becarefulofthatone,”someoneshoutedfromacrossthestreet.“Runwhileyoucan,girl.”
Laughterbrokeout,andFoxknew,beforeturningtolook,thatitwouldbetheold-manregularsfromBlowtheManDown,smokingoutsideintheirusualspot.Thesamemenhe’dmadejokestohundredsoftimesabouthisexploitsinSeattle.Becauseitwaseasiertogivethemwhattheywanted.
Laughwiththem,insteadofbeinglaughedat.Makethejoke,insteadofbeingthejoke.Andaboveallelse,don’tletthemseehowmuchitallbotheredhim.
Hannahblinkedseveraltimesandsteppedbackfromhim,asifbecomingawareofhersurroundingsandwhathadalmosthappenedbetweenthem.They’dalmostkissed.Ordidheimaginethat?Itwashardtothinkwiththewarningsignalgoingoffinhishead.Jesus,hedidn’twantHannahtohearthekindofgarbagethatcameoutofthesemen’smouths.
“Whoarethoseguys?”sheasked,leaningslightlytolookpasthim.
“Noone.”Hetookherwristandstartedwalkingatafastclip,gladshe’dwornsneakerssoshecouldeasilykeepup.“Justignorethem.They’redrunk.”
“Yourmamadidn’twarnyouabouttomcatslikethisone?Makesureheshellsoutthecabfare—”
HannahskiddedtoastopbesideFox,yankingherarmfree.
Beforehecouldgetaholdofheragain,she’dmarchedhalfwayacrossthestreet.
“Hey,scumbag!Howaboutyoushutyourmouth?”Shejabbedafingerattheleader,andhiscigarettefrozeonthewaytohismouth.“Mamasdon’tbotherwarninggirlsaboutjerkslikeyourself,becausenoonewouldcomewithintenfeetofyou.Smellyoldballsac!”
“Nowholdon.It’sjustabitoffun,”offeredtheman.
“Atwhoseexpense?”Hannahshouted,turninginacircle,searchingtheground.
Fox,who’dbeenstandingbehindhercompletelydumbfounded,caughtbetweenaweandself-disgust,forcedhisthroattostartworking.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Lookingforsomethingtothrowatthem,”sheexplainedpatiently.
“Okay,howisPipertheonethatendedupinjail?”Hewrappedaforearmaroundherwaistandshuttledherdownthestreettowardhisbuilding,noideawhattosay.None.He’dneverhadanyonestandupforhimlikethat.
Andhedidn’twantthebreathlesswarmthwingingitswayintohischest.
Wouldneverbereadyforthe…dangeroushopethatstartedtorisetothesurface.Hopethatifthisgirlbelievedhewasworthadamn—enoughtodefendhiminthestreetlikethis—maybehewasworththeeffort?
No.Beenthere,donethatwholedancewithoptimism.Wantednopartofit.
Right?
“Hannah,youdidn’tneedtodothat.Infact,Iwishyouhadn’t.”
Hereallydidn’tenjoytheflashofhurtinhereyes.“Theywerewayoutofline.”
“No,theyweren’t.”Helaughed,eventhoughitfeltlikerazorblades.
“Theyknowit’sokaytomakethosejokestome,becauseImakethemaboutmyself.It’sfine.”
“Yeah,itreallysoundsfine,”shemurmured,allowingFoxtopullherupthestairsofhisbuilding,standingsilentlyasheunlockedthedoor.Partofhim,honesttoGod,wantedtothrowhisarmsaroundherandsaythankyou,butno.No,hedidn’tneedadefender.He’dearnedthatridicule,fairandsquare,hadn’the?
Thelastsevenmonthswerenothingbutananomaly.
Evenifhiscelibacy,eveniftheconstantofHannah’sfriendship,hadmadehimfeelbetterabouthimselfthanhehadinyears.
Theywalkedintotheapartment,andFoxturnedontheoneandonlylamp.
Hewantedtoshuthimselfinhisbedroom,beforetheshameofHannahwitnessingthatridiculeonthewalkhomeseepedoutthroughhisporesandturnedvisible,buthecouldn’tletherhurtexpressionbethelastthinghesawthatnight.SoFoxdidwhathedidbestandmadelightofit.“Havetoadmit,I’mprettyimpressedbyyourcreativeuseoftheterm‘ballsac.’Tenoutoften.”
Herlipscreptupintoasmileononeend.“Areweokay?”Shewetherlips.“Areyou?”
“Everythingisfine,Freckles.”Helaughed,theemptyapartmentmockinghim.“Getsomesleep,huh?SeeyouintheA.M.”
Afteramoment,shenodded.Andthat’swherehelefther,staringafterhimthoughtfully,halfwaybetweenthekitchenandthefrontdoor.
AssoonasFoxwasaloneinhisbedroom,hedroppedhisforeheadtothecooldoor,barelyresistingtheurgetobashhisheadagainstit.
Obviouslyhehadn’tfooledHannahintothinkinghedidn’tgiveashitaboutanything.Thatlifewasjustaseriesofpleasuresandamusementsforhim.
Thisgirl,shesawthroughit.Worse,shewantedtoreachhim.Buthecouldn’tletthathappen.
Andheknewexactlyhowtopreventherfromlookingtoodeeply.
ChapterNine
HannahwokeupatsixA.M.withmiceusingherbrainasatrampoline.
Herhandslappeddownonthesidetable,fingersclosingaroundherAirPods,shovingthemintoherears.Nextcameherphone,herthumblocatingthemusicappandselectingZellaDayfromherlibrary,lettingthenotesdriftthroughthefogandwakeherupslowly.TodaywasSunday.Notanidealdayforworking,butitwasherfirstdayonsetasslightlymorethanaproductionassistant—shewasanobservernow,ooh,ahh—andsheneededtosettherighttone.Calmbutfocused.
Hannah,youdidn’tneedtodothat.Infact,Iwishyouhadn’t
Fox’sreprimandfromthenightbeforecamerushingback,andthemiceceasedbouncingonherbrain,creepingofftogohideinaholesomewhere.
Ohman,she’dreallyyelledatthoseoldmenfromthemiddleofthestreet,hadn’tshe?Notadream?Truthfully,shewasfineowningthatreaction.
Evenifshehadthrownsomethingatthem,theywouldhavedeservedtheresultingconcussion.
They’ddeserveditfortreatinghim—anyone,really—withsolittlerespect.
Whydidn’tFoxthinkso?
He’dseemedfinebeforebed.Maybethealcoholhadamplifiedasituationthatwasreallynobigdeal?Whatiffishermensimplyspoketoeachotherthatwayandshe’dmisreadtheintentionbehindit?
Butnoneofitsatright,sosheresolvedtoaskFoxaboutitlaterandforcedherselftofocusontheupcomingdayatwork.Sheranthroughthescenesinhermind,searchingforinspirationtoenrichthescore,butanhourpassedwithoutanythingfeelingexactlyright.Whichwasconcerning.She’dnevergonesofarastothinkscoringmovieswashercalling.Thatwould
havebeenputtingthecartwaybeforethehorse.Butshe’dalwaysbeenconfidentinherabilitytopullsongsfrommemorytoperfectthemoodofanysituation.Whatifshe’dbeentooconfident?
ThescentofgingerdistractedHannahfromhertroublingthoughts.
Itwasn’tanunpleasantsmellatall.Quitetheopposite.Itwasalmost…
stimulatinginitsrichness?Andshe’dsmelleditintheapartmentbefore,butneversostrong.Whatwasthat?
Hannahtossedasidethecoversandclimbedoutofbed,leavingherAirPodsinonthewaytothebathroom,whereshebrushedherteethandusedthetoilet,grudginglyremovingtheearbudstoshower.Foxhadnoreasontobeawakethisearly,soshetriedtobeasquietaspossible,wrappingatoweltightlyaroundherbodyandtiptoeingtowardtheguestroom.
Whenthedoortohisbedroomopenedandhebreezedout,mid-yawn,innothingbutblackbriefs,Hannahransmackintothesideofthecouch,sendingajoltofpainthroughherhip.Itsentherstumblingbackacoupleoffeet,herassbumpingintoafloorlamp.Seriously,leaveittohertofindtwooftheonlypiecesoffurnitureintheextremelysparseapartmentandhitthem…andnowshewasstaring.Ofcourseshewasstaring.Whatelsewasshesupposedtodo?
Foxwascomingtowardherwithalopsidedgrinandbarelyanyclothes.
Dimplesout.Readytofilmarazorcommercial.
Andwhoa.Untilthatmoment,shehadn’tevenbeenawareofhistattoos.
Theoutlineofanactualfoxstretchingacrosshisrighthip,agiantsquidwrappedaroundananchorontheleftsideofhisribcage,aseriesofdifferent-sizedstarsonhispec,plusotheronesshedidn’thavethewherewithaltodecipherbecausehismusclesweredemandingattention.
Weremusclessupposedtobesothick?Yes.Yes,becausehehadn’tboughttheseinagym.He’dcomebythemhaulinggiantsteelpotsoutofthewater,pullinginnetsoffish,frombalancingonadeckduringroughweather.
“Whoathere,Freckles,”hesaidinaraspymorningvoice,tippinghisheadtowardtheteeteringlamp.“Stillgettingyoursealegs?”
“Um…”Resolutely,shelookeddownatthefloor.“IguessI’mmorehungoverthanIrealized.Betterlaylowtonight.”
Thecloserhecame,thestrongerthescentofginger.AndtheharderitbecamenottolookatFoxinallhisnearlynakedglory.Listen,Hannahgot
hornywiththebestofthem.Onceinawhile,atleast.MostlywhenlisteningtoPrince.Butthetimesshe’dfeltslightlywantinganduncomfortablewereafarcryfromthiscinchingofmuscles,thisfilteringofwarmthtoherprivateareas.
Guiltinvadedhermiddle.Notquiteenoughtoscareoffherladyboner,butenoughtomentallyberateherselfforbeingabadfriend.HowwasHannahanybetterthanthegirlswho’dcalleddibsonFoxatthepartyonFridaynight?
“I,um…”Shetippedherheaddownsothewethairwouldcurtainherface.Mustresistthecallofthosechisel-cuthipabductors.“There’sanearlycalltime.Ineedtohurryupandgetdownthere.”
“Whereareyoufilmingtoday?”
Washisvoicecloserthanbefore?Thegoosebumpsracingupherskinmadeherwishdearlyforsomethingmoresubstantialthanatoweltocoverherself.“We’reshootingontheharbor.Akissingscene,actually.Thebigfinale.Weshouldhavethelightingwe’vebeenwaitingfor.”
“Finale?”heechoedquickly.“Youjuststarted.”
“Wedon’talwaysshootthescenesinorder.Sometimesitdependsontheavailabilityofthelocations…”HesteppedinfrontofHannah,givinghernochoicebuttolookupattheceiling,whereshepretendedtosearchforcracks.Otherwiseshewouldn’ttrustherselfnottostarestraightintotheeyeofthestorm.
Alsoknownashiscrotch.
“Youcan’tlookatme,canyou?”Foxsaid,amused.“I’mnotusedtohavingsomeoneelseinthehouse.Youwantmetoputonsweatpantsnexttime?”
Jesus,no,screamedthepervertwhohadrentedspaceinherhead.
“Yes,please.AndI’ll…usemyrobe,too.Ididn’tthinkyou’dbeawake.”
Theheatofhischestwarmedherexposedshoulders,andeverythingdownthereturnedsoftandwet.Shebecameacutelyawareofthesoundofhishandssettlingonhiships,skinraspingonskin.Hisheightandstrengthcomparedtoher.
Itwasshamefultobereactingtoherfriendthisway.
Sheobviouslywasn’tgoingtosleepwithhim.Atthisjunctureinherlife,shewasn’tinterestedincasualsex.EspeciallywithFox.Hedidn’t
merelyeschewlong-term,hewasallaboutnoterm.Havingheraroundafterwardwouldmakehimuncomfortable,he’dregretgettingphysical,andthatwouldruintheirfriendship.
I’mjustagoodtime,andeveryoneknowsit
HisstatementfromFridaynightdriftedintoherthoughts,andforsomereason,thememorymadeherwanttolookhimintheeye.Hewasscrutinizingherkindofexpectantly,asifwaitingforhertoexpirefromarousalorattempttoclimbhim.Washe…tryingtothrowheroff-balanceforsomereason?Why?
Shecouldn’tworkthroughitwhenthatsmellwasmuddlingherbrain.
Whatkindofnuclearpheromoneswasthisguygivingoff?
Verydiscreetly,shehoped,Hannahinhaledhisscent.
“Whatisthat?”
Hisbrowsdrewtogether.“Whatiswhat?”
“Thatgingersmell.Isitlike…lotionoraftershaveorsomething?”
“No.”Hesmirked.“Noneofthose.”
Shewaitedforhimtoelaborate.Hedidn’t.“Whatisit,then?”
Heverybrieflytouchedthetipofhistonguetothecornerofhislips,hisblueeyestwinkling.“Massageoil.”
Ofalltheexplanations,Hannahwasnotexpectingthat.“Massageoil.”
Shelaughed.“Wereyou,like,givingyourselfamassage—”Flamesclimbedherface.“Oh.Wow.Walkedrightintothat.I…Wereyou…d-doingthatthismorning?”Shewavedherhandsfrantically.“Nevermind.
Don’tanswerthat.”
Hisgrinonlywidened.“Yeah,Iwas.FirsttimeI’vehadachancesinceourlastfishingtrip.Hadtoblowoffsomesteam.ShouldIhaveaskedpermissionfirst?”
“No.”Ohno.NowshewasthinkingaboutFoxaskingforherpermissiontomasturbate.Itwaslikesomeonesaying,“Don’tthinkaboutpinkelephants.”
ExceptthepinkelephantwasFox’spenis.
“No,ofcoursenot.Thisisyourapartment.”Andnowshewasreluctantlyfascinated.“Youusemassageoilforthat?”
Hehummedinaffirmation.“Itdoublesasalubricant.You’rewelcometoborrowit.”Hisattentiondroppedtotheknotbetweenherbreasts,thenlower,tothespotwherethehemofthetowelbrushedhermid-thigh.“But
onlyifyouliketomakeyourselfniceandsensitivefirst.”Herubbedhisknucklesoverthebreachofhisbellybutton,throughdark-blondhairandfadedink.“Kindoflikeforeplaywithyourownfingers.”
Aswallowgotstuckinherthroat.
Abeadofsweatrandownthesmallofherback.
“I’llleaveitinthebathroomcabinet.”Hewinkedatherashebackedaway,eventuallyturningforhisbedroom.“Orangebottle.”
“Oo-kay,”shesaid,tongueheavierthanlead.“Thanks?”
Didfriendssharelube?
Maybeonlypeoplewhowerefriendswiththisparticularman?
“I’llbeworkingontheboatallday,”hesaidonhiswayintothebedroom,shuttingthedoorbehindhimbeforecallingthroughthecrack,
“Seeyoudownattheharbor,Freckles.”
Oh.
Great.
Shewalkedtoherroominadaze.
***
FoxwatchedthefilmcrewmovelikeclockworkfromhisvantagepointonthedeckoftheDellaRay.Threebigwhitetrailerswereparkedontheroad,youngpeoplewithheadsetsandclipboardsscurryingaround.Otherscongregatedaroundatableoffoodanddrinks.Largefluorescent-lamp-lookingthingssurroundedtwoactors—amoody,skinnyguyandaredheadwhowentfrommooningovereachothertocheckingtheirphonesandnotspeakinginbetweentakes.
Forthelasthour,he’dbeenreplenishingsupplieswithSandersandrepairingthehydrauliclauncher.Theyreallyonlyneededthepieceofequipmentforcrabseason,butapparentlyhewasmakingeveryexcusetobeoutondeck.
Wherehehadaclearviewofthefilmset.
Hopefullyafterthismorning,Hannahwouldn’tfeeltheneedtodefendhischaracteranymore.She’djustdisregardhimwithaknowingsmirk,likeeveryoneelse,andhecouldgetridofthishopesheinspiredinhim.Hecouldstaywhereitwassafe.WherehiscrewmatesandfellowWestport
residentschuckledandjokedabouthim,butatleasttheyweren’tquestioninghislegitimacyasaleader.
SurelyHannahwouldlaughoffaguywhohadafavoritebrandandscentofmassageoil?Eventhoughhe’dneverneededtheshituntilrecently.
Usually,ifherequiredreliefandhishandwastheonlyoption,hejustworkeditoutwithalatheredpalmintheshower.Nowthathewasseeinghisfivedigitsexclusively,he’dsprungforsomethingwithalittlepizzazz.
Suehim.
BrendanwouldkickhisassifheknewFoxhadspokentoherlikethat.
Buthe’dhadtoweighthethreatofhisbestfriend’swrathagainstHannah’sgrowingexpectationsofhim.Becausehewasdefinitelynotafuckingcaptain.Notsomeonetobetrustedwithavaluableboatorthelivesoffivemen.DefinitelynotsomeoneHannahofferedhermouthtointhemoonlight.
Orberatedstrangersover.
Justagoodtime.Nothingmore,nothingless.
SanderswalkedoutondeckbesideFoxandgreetedhimwithagrunt.
Hetosseddownthewrenchhe’dbeenusingtorepairtheoilpumpandswipedahandoverhiswealthofcarrot-coloredhair.“Fucksake,it’shotdownthere.I’mthinkingofinstallingawindowinthehull.DoyouthinkBrendanwouldmind?”
“Ifyousanktheshipinhopesofacrossbreeze?No,notatall,”Foxanswereddrily,astillnesssettlingoverhimatthesightofHannahandSergeidiscussingsomethingoveraclipboard.Hisfingersgrippedtheropehewascoilinginhishand,lettingthematerialbiteintohisskin,harderandharderuntilHannahfinallywalkedaway.Wasthedirectorstaringafterher?
Yeah.Hewas.
Thatkisstheothernighthadworkeditsmagic.Good.
Maybeshe’daskedhimtoliftaheavypieceoffilmingequipment.Oremployedsomestrategiclipbiting.Allthankstohisurgings.
Itwouldn’tbetoolongbeforetheywerebothheadedbacktoLAwithashinynewappreciationforeachother.
Great.
Ignoringtheacidictasteinhismouth,Foxwentbacktorepairingthelauncherandtriedtofocus.Thesunbeatdownonthedeck,unseasonablyhot,untilheandSanderseventuallygaveuponshirtsandshoesaltogether.
Foxusedtohatethiskindoftediouswork.Hewantedtobeoutinthegale,warringwithwaves,battlingtheirimpact,witnessingnatureatherangriest.Watchingasshechangedhermindinamatterofseconds.Maybehumanscouldn’tchange,butnaturecould.Naturelivedtochange.
Lately,hehadn’tmindedthepedantictasksasmuch.TherepetitionofbringingtheDellaRayouttosea,dockingitsafely,andpreparingitforthenextrun.Beneathhisfeet,thedeckwaswarm,thevesselbobbinggentlyinthewater,catchingwakesfromotherboatstakingtouristsouttowhalewatchoronpleasureexcursions.Saltflavoredtheair.Gullsfloatedonthebreezeoverhead.
Insomeotherlife,maybe,hewouldwraphishandsaroundthewheelofhisownboatandgreetnatureonhisownterms.Introducehimselfastheoneincharge,insteadoftheonewhotookordersandwenthomewithouttheweightofresponsibility.Growingup,occupyingthewheelhousehadbeenthedream.Agiven.He’dlearnedtoblockitout,though.He’dblockeditsothoroughly,lightcouldn’tevenseepinaroundtheedges.
AtrillofnotesinFox’spockethadhimswipingaforearmacrosshissweatyforeheadandslippingouthiscell.
Carmen.
Hesquintedaneyedownatthename,tryingtorememberthefacethatbelongedtoit.Noluck.Maybethestewardess?Ifheansweredthephone,hervoicewouldprobablyjogamemory.Orhecouldaskforareminderofhersocialmediahandleandfigureitoutthatway.MostofthegirlshemetupwithinSeattledidn’tgetbentoutofshapeoverhisblurrymemory,anyway.TheywerejustasinterestedinlowcommitmentasFox.
Staringdownatthephone,heletitgotovoicemailwithoutanswering,knowingdamnwelltheboxwasfull.Hehadn’tlistenedtothemessagesinmonths.
Aminuteafterthephonestoppedringing,atextpoppeduponthescreen.
Areyouaroundtonight?—C
Aveinstartedtothrobinthemiddleofhisforehead.Probablyfromthesun.
Hetossedasidehisphone,scrubbingattheitchonthebackofhisneck.
He’danswerthemessagelater.Orhewouldn’t.Therewassomethingabout
thesteadystreamofhook-upcallsthatalmost…panickedhimlately.Hadtherealwaysbeensomany?
Foxmadenoexcusesforlikingsex.Thebuildupandreleaseofit.Thatraceattheendwhenhedidn’thavetothink,hisbodyjustdoingthejob.
Fox’sphonedingedwithanothertextmessage—nottotallyunusualforaSunday,sincehisweekendswereusuallyreservedforwomen,althoughhisphonesawthemosttrafficonFridaynights.Latelyhe’dbeengoingsofarastothrowthegoddamnthingintotherefrigeratorsohewouldn’thavetohearorseeanyoftheincomingmessages.Whenwasthelasttimeheevenansweredoneofthem?OrleftWestporttohookup?
Youknowexactlyhowlongithasbeen
AfterHannahleftlastsummer,he’dgonetoSeattle.Once.Determinedtoripoutthetwingeshe’dleftinhischest,theconstantbarrageofimagesoftheirdaystogether.
He’dbroughtsomeoneoutforadrink,literallysweatingoverhowshittyhe’dfeltthewholetime,unabletofocusonasinglewordshe’dsaidortheirsurroundings.Whenthetabarrived,he’ddroppedafistfulofcashonthebar,madeanexcuse,andbounced,theroilinginhisstomachonlysettlingwhenhe’dpulledovertotextHannah.
SanderscrackedacanofCokeopentoFox’sright.
“Yougoingtoanswerthosebootycalls,man?”Thedeckhandtookagulpingpullofhisdrink,balancingitontheedgeoftheboat.“HowamIsupposedtolivevicariouslythroughyouifyou’renotevenliving?”
“Oh,I’mgoingtocallthemback.”Foxflashedasmilethatmadethethrobinhisheadworsen.“Maybeallofthematonce.”
Sanders’sguffawrancirclesaroundtheharbor.
Oncue,Fox’sphonestartedringingagain.
Heyankedonce,twiceattheleathercuffaroundhiswrist.
“Answer,”Sanderssaidcasually,tippinghisheadatthedevice.“We’realmostdonehere.”
Inahigh-pressurejobfullofball-breakingadrenalineseekers,showingweaknesswasabadidea,unlesshewantedevenmoremockery.“Youjustwanttolisteninandstealmymoves.”
“Youdon’tneedmoves,prettyboy.Youjustshowupandtakeyourpick.Me?I’vegotafacelikeafuckingwalrus.Ineedmoves.”Sandersdrainedtherestofhissodaindisgust.“Isufferedthroughthatlive-action
Catsmovielastnighttryingtoscorepointswiththewife.Onefart—one—
andIlostallmyprogress.”
Foxbitbackasmile.“Noluck,huh?”
“Hadtosleeponthecouch,”grumbledthedeckhand.
“Don’ttakeitsohard,man.”Foxshivered,despitetheheat.“ThatmoviecoulddryupthePacific.”
“Idon’tknow,there’sjustsomethingaboutJudiDench…”Sandersmused.
Fox’sphonebeepedwithanothertext,andheseriouslyconsideredthrowingthedamnthingintheocean.Hedidn’tevenbothercheckingthenamethistime.Hewouldn’tbeabletorememberherfaceandthatonlymadethetasteinhismouthworse.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?Playinghardtoget?”Sanderschuckled,proddingFoxinthegutwithanelbow.“Thatwouldbeafirst.”
“Yeah.”Foxlaughed,hisgazestrayingbacktowherethemoviewasfilming,findingHannahinthegroup,surprisedtofindherlookingbackathimoverhershoulder,herlipcaughtbetweenherteeth.Thoughtful.
Hesalutedher.
Shesenthimbackahalfsmile.
“Yeah…”Sanderswasstillgoing.“You’veneverbeenonetoplayhardtoget.Remembersenioryear?Almostdidn’tgraduatebecauseyouspentsomuchtimegettingbusyintheparkinglot.”
FoxtorehiseyesquicklyoffHannah,feelingguiltyforevenlookingatherwhilehavingthisdiscussion.“Hey.”Heshrugged.“Istillthinkitshouldhaveearnedmeextracredittowardmyphysicaleducationgrade.”
Sanderslaughedandwentbacktowork.
SodidFox,buthismovementsweren’tasfluid,cranksturningoneithersideofhisforehead.Eventuallyhefoundhimselfbracedontheedgeoftheboat,seekingoutHannahonceagain,watchingasshetalkedtoasharpbrunette.HecouldtellbyHannah’sbodylanguagethatsomethingwasoff.
Wrong.
Wasthatthesoundtracklady?
HadthesongscomebackforHannah?
Hecouldhaveaskedheraboutitthismorninginsteadoftryingtodivertherfocusfromhisinsecuritiestosomethinghewasnotinsecureoverintheslightest—sex.Toolateforregretsnow.Toolatetoworryabouthowhis
bestfriendwouldreactifheknewFoxhadtalkedtoPiper’slittlesisteraboutjackingoffwhilehewaswearingnothingbutbriefsandasmile.
BrendanwasstillclearlyworriedthatFoxwouldmakeamoveonHannah.DespitetheTalk.Despitecommondecencyandthefactthattouchingherwouldalmostdefinitelybeunforgivable.Butnooneexpectedgoodbehavioroutofhim.NotBrendan,notthepeopleintown,thecrew,anyone.SandershadjustneatlyremindedFoxofthat.Remindedhimofitsowell,hefeltlikeashowerwasinorder.
Noonetrustedhim.Sothehellwithit.Whytryinthefirstplace?Aleopardcouldn’tchangeitsspots.
AfewminuteslaterwhenavisiblyfrustratedHannahstartedspeedwalkingtohisapartment,Foxknewmorethanenoughaboutwomentorecognizeherproblem.Theflushedskin,thewayshekeptsneakinghimcovertlooks.Liftingthehairoffhernecktofanherself.Shewasturnedon,frustrated.Horny.Andthatwasoneissuehedamnwellknewhowtofix.
Whatwasthepointofresisting?
LastnightwiththemenoutsideBlowtheManDown,thismorningwithSanders—hell,everydayofhislife—provedhecouldn’toutrunthenotionsabouthim.GivingintohisattractiontoHannahwouldservehimtwofold.
Hecouldscratchthisgoddamnseven-monthitchandcutoffherbidtodiscoverwhatreallymadehimtick.OnehookupwithHannahwouldbringeverythingbacktosurfacelevel,wherehewascomfortable.
Hannahmightstillwantthedirector.Buthey,Fox’scollegegirlfriendhadusedhimasahallpass—withouthisknowledge—forthebetterpartofayear.NoreasonHannahcouldn’tusehimforthesamepurpose,right?Justameaninglessgoodtime.
Despitethefactthathewasbreathingthroughtheholeofastraw,Foxdidn’tevenbotherputtingonhisshirtbeforehefollowedHannahtohisapartment.
ChapterTen
TherewasnoformalplaninregardtohowshewouldbeobservingBrinley.ThatmeantitwasuptoHannahtocreateherownopportunities,inbetweenwranglingactors,instructingtheextras,andmakingsurelunchdeliveriesweregoingtoarriveexactlyright.Picklesonthisone,nopicklesontheother.Whywasitalwayspickles?Itwasrightthereinthename—
theycanbepickedoff.
Christianwasextragrouchythismorningthankstohisboyfriend’svisittoWestportgettingdelayed,andthemoodappearedtobecontagious.Itwasclearfromthedarkcirclesundereveryone’seyesthatmostofthecrewhadoverindulgedonSaturdaynight,andofcourse,aseagullshatonMaxine’shead,delayingproductionbyanhourwhileitwascleanedout,theactressrestyled.
Hannahdecidedtousethelosthourtoheradvantage.
Themomenttherewasalullinherresponsibilities,HannahapproachedthemusiccoordinatorwhereshesatinachairbesideSergei’svacantone.
“Morning,Brinley,”shesaid,smiling.
Acoolonce-over.“Oh,hey.”Shescannedthenotesinherlap.“Hannah,right?”
“Yes.”
FornootherreasonthantheboatwasvisiblerightoverBrinley’sshoulder,Hannah’sgazestrayedtotheDellaRay,whereitsatdockedintheharbor.Itwasnotthefirsttimeshe’dlookedsincearrivingonset.Infact,everyoneandtheirmotherwasstaringatFoxandhisgodlikebodyglisteninginthesunshine.HisphysiquewastheonlythingsavingthecrankycastandcrewfromturningtocannibalismthisfineSundaymorning.
Moreover,hedidn’tseemawareofthedistractionhecreated,justcasuallysuckingupeveryone’salreadylimitedconcentration.
EvenBrinleyloweredhersunglassesandthrewaglanceortwotowardtheboatbeforerefocusingonHannah…whowasdefinitelynotthinkingaboutthefactthatshe’dbeeninthesameapartmentwhileFoxclearedhispipes.
FirsttimeI’vehadachancesinceourlastfishingtrip
Hadtoblowoffsomesteam
Whatdidthatmeanexactly?Obviouslythathewas…jonesingforrelease.WasitahardshipforFoxtolastfourorfivedayswithoutpleasure?
Didhe,like,lightcandles,getcompletelynaked,andstrokehimselfreallyslowly,addingmoreoilashewentalong?Bitinghislip?Teasinghimself?
Justmakingamealoutofthewholeaffair?
Now,thatwasadisruptivepieceofimagery.
Hannahcouldgomonthsbeforeitdawnedonherthat,hey!Shehadavaginawithawholebunchofcomplicatednerveendingsandshereallyoughttoexploreitmoreoften.
Well,shecouldreallygoforexploringitrightaboutnow.
She’dwornaloosetunicdressandcardigan,thoughthelatterhadbeendiscardedthankstotheheat.Sensiblydressed,yetatthemoment,shefeltalmostnaked.Firetickledthebackofherneck,hernippleschafinguncomfortablyinherbra.Herthoughtsrefusedtostayorganized.
Andherroommateparadingaroundinallhistattooedseducer-of-womenglorywasn’thelping.Thatorangebottleofmassageoilwascallinghername.Atthispoint,shemightripoffthecapwithherteethtogetitopen.
Butfirst.Work.
ThischancewithBrinleywasmonths,ifnotyears,inthemaking,andHannahcouldn’tjustblowanopportunitythishugebecauseherbodywasmisbehaving—anditwas.Somisbehaving.Shewasn’tsupposedtolustafterherfriend.TheonlythingkeepingHannahfromall-outguiltwasthestrangeintuitionthathe’ddonethistoheronpurpose.
Realizingshe’dallowedthesilencetostretchtoolong,Hannahclearedherthroatanddeterminedlytoreherattentionoffthemuscle-strappedfisherman.“Um…”SheangledherbodytowardthesetwhereChristianandMaxinewouldhavetheirbigkiss,thewaterstretchingoutbehindthem,
acoupleofanchoredvesselsoutlinedinthehorizon.“Iwaswonderingifyoucouldshareyourplansforthescene?”
“Sure,”Brinleysaidwithoutlookingup.“I’mnotstrayingfromtheoriginalvision.IknowthesettinghaschangeddrasticallyfromLAtoWestport.ButIthinktheindustrialsoundisevenedgier,giventhesmall-townvibe.It’saninterestingcontrast.”
“Oh.Yeah.”Hannahnoddedenthusiastically.
Didsheagree,though?Contrastwasinteresting.Therewasdefinitelysomethingtobesaidforbringingamodernspintoperioddramaswiththemusic.Puttinghip-hoptoballet.Playingoperaduringamurderscene.Anodditylikethatcouldmakeamomentstandout.Couldrampupthedrama.
Familiarmusiccouldhelpanaudiencerelatetosomethingunfamiliar.Andinthiscase,Sergei’sarthouseviewershipwouldappreciateakisssettoindustrial,becauseGodforbiditwastooromantic.
Whatmusicwouldsheuseinthisscene,instead?
Herminddrewabigoldblank.
Asifsensingamomentofweakness,Brinleyturnedtoherwithanexpectantsmile.“Whatdoyouthink?”
Mentally,HannahbrowsedheralbumcollectionbackhomeinBel-Air,butshecouldn’tseeasinglecover,couldn’treadanyofthenames.Whatwaswrongwithher?“Well…”shestarted,searchinghermindforsomethingusefultosay.Anythingthatwouldmakeherworthyofthischance.“I’vebeenreadingaboutthistechnique.Givingtheactorssmallearpiecesandplayingthemusicwhilerollingsotheycanemoteattheappropriatetimes.Essentiallyactintandemwiththemusic—”
“DoyoureallythinkChristianwouldgoforthat?”Brinleycutin,goingbacktosortingthroughhernotes.“Hecomplainswhenwemichim.HestoppedatakethismorningbecausethetaginhisT-shirtwastooitchy.”
“Icouldtalktohim—”
“Thanks,butIthinkwe’llleavethatideaforanotherday.”
Afteramoment,Hannahnodded,pretendingtobeabsorbedbyherclipboardsonoonewouldseeherredface.Whywouldshesuggestanewtechniquewithherfirstbreath?Beforethey’devenbuiltarapport?SheshouldhavejustagreedwithBrinley’schoiceandwaitedforabetterchancetogiveinput.Onceshe’dprovenherselfashelpful.Instead,she’d
establishedherselfasanupstartwhothoughtsheknewbetterthantheveteran.
Sergeitrundleddownfromoneofthetrailers,smilingbroadlyatHannah.“Heythere.”Reachingtheirtwosome,heputabriefhandonHannah’sshoulder,squeezing,beforelettingitdropaway.Andwhoa.
What?He’ddefinitelyneverdoneanythinglikethatbefore.Notunlessshewasbleedingfromaheadwound.Actually,ifshewasn’tmistaken,hewasgivinghersidelongglanceswhileconferringwithBrinleyaboutthescenestructure.
Hannahreallyshouldhavebeenlistening.Observing.Asshe’daskedtodo.
Butthatwasadifficultfeatwhensomethingveryimportantwasoccurringtoher.Thedirector’shandonhershoulderhadelicitednotasingletingle.TherewasfarlessgravitationalpullinSergei’sdirectionthantherehadbeenonFriday.Normally,standingthisclosetohimwouldhavemadeherpulsetickalongalittlefaster.Attheveryleastshewouldbehopingshedidn’thavecoffeebreath.
Rightnow,allshewantedtodowasbealone.
Withthatstupidorangebottle.Whycouldn’tshestopthinkingaboutit?
Againstherwill,Hannah’sattentionstrayedtotheDellaRaywhereFoxwasliftingametaltrapwithverylittleeffort,histrapeziusmusclesflexing,alongwithalotofotheronesshecouldn’tname.Onceithadbeensecured,hescrubbedaforearmoverhisdark-blondhair,leavingithaphazardandsweaty.Suddenlyitwasbecomingdifficulttoswallow.Verydifficult.
Shehatedherselfalittlebitinthatmoment.Wasshethiseasytodistract?Themanstandingnotafootawaywasavisionarydirector.Agenius.Hetreatedherwithrespect,andhewasexceptionallygood-looking,inatorturedartistkindofway.Sergeiwashertype.She’dneverbeenonetogetdistractedbythehotguypassingthrough.Ever.
Yetshe’dneverbeenmoreturnedoninherlife,andithadeverythingtodowiththemanwhowaslendingherhisguestroom.Shejustneededtohandleit.Purgethedesire.Shehadn’tappreciatedherselfinareallylongtime,andshe’dbeenoverstimulatedthismorning.Onceshegotcontrolofherhormones,appeasedthem,shecouldfocusonthispotentialnewfacetofherjob.Maybeevendecideifshetrulywantedtomakeitacareer.She
couldalsogobacktohavinganappropriateinterestinSergei.Thislong-standingcrushwhowasfinallystartingtoshowinterestinher.
Yes.Thatwastheplan.
“Lunchishere,”oneoftheinternscalledfromtheothersideofthetrailers.
ThankGod
“IthinkI’llgrabminetogo,”Hannahmurmuredtonoone,turningtoleave.Stealthily.Lookingrightandleft,whistlingunderherbreath.Nooneisgoingtoknowyou’reonamasturbationbreak.Relax
HannahmadeitafewstepsbeforeSergeicaughtupwithher.“Hey.
Hannah.”
Ohno.Herbodywasalreadydoingthathot-anticipationthingitdidwhenshedecidedthemoodwasright.Wheelswereinmotion.CouldSergeitelljustbylookingather?Thatshehadplansthatincludedgingerymassageoil?
“Yes?”shecroaked.
Hetracedthepathofhisgoateewhereitranaroundhismouth,franklylookingkindof…shy?“Whereareyourunningoffto?”
Oh,nowhere.JusthaveaquickerrandtoruninOrgasmVillage
“Ileftsomething…attheapartment.”Shepointedtoherface.
“Sunscreen.I’mgoingtoenduplookinglikeRudolphwithoutit.”
“Oh.No,youcouldnever.”
Whywasn’tsheexplodingoverthatcompliment?
Afewweeksago,atthemeresuggestionfromSergeithathefoundherattractive,shewouldhavefoundaprivateplacetoblast“ForOnceinMyLife”byStevieWonderanddance(terribly)inplace.Nowallshecoulddowassearchforanexcusetogetaway.Thiswaswhensheneededtoreachoutandbrushherfingersagainsthisarm.Locatehisbicepandtestforfirmness,likeanavocadoatthefarmer’smarket.Orremindhimoftheirphysicaldifferences,asFoxhadsuggested.Youman,mewoman.Sciencesaysweshoulddoit!Butshedidn’thavetheslightestdesiretoflirtortrytosnaghisinterest.
Whatishappeningtome?
“Icouldwalkwithyou,”hesuggested.
Again,nothing.Notasparkofjoytobehad.
No,shedidlikeSergei.Thesparkswouldreturn.Shejustneededtoeradicatethis…temporaryphysicalspellshewasunder.“No,that’sokay.”
Shewavedhimoff.“Goeatyoursproutsandhummusonwheat.I’llbebackbeforeyouknowit.”
Henodded,lookingdisappointed,andshedidn’tevenhavetheroomtofeelbad.Therewasonlytheselfishhungerthatrakedinvisiblehandsdownthefrontofherbody,teasingerogenouszoneswherevertheytouched.
Orangebottle.Orangebottle.
HannahalreadyhadthekeyoutbythetimeshegottoFox’sbuilding,andshesliditintothelocknow,enteringthedark,emptyapartmentandclosingthedoorbehindher.Shewaspanting.Panting.Itwasridiculous!
Butshebeelinedforthebathroomanyway,snatchingthealmightybottleoffthebathroomshelfandcarryingittotheguestroomlikearunningbackprotectingafootball.
“OhmyGod,”shemuttered,closingthebedroomdoorandleaningherforeheadupagainstit.“Calmdown.”
Easiersaidthandone,though.
Herhandswerealmosttoounsteadytoremovethebottlecap.EspeciallywhenshethoughtofthewayFoxuncappedbeerwithhisteeth.Whywasthatsostupidlyhot?Hisdentistmustbeappalled.
Finally,Hannahgotthetopoffthebottle,andthearomafilledtheair,sensualandrichandheavywithsex.Nowondershe’dbeensodeterminedtofigureoutthesource.Shewedgedthecontainerbetweenherkneesandstrippedthedressoffoverherhead,lettingitdrifttotheground—
Theapartmentdooropenedandclosed.
Whatthe…?shemouthed.
“Hannah,”cameFox’svoicefromtheothersideofthebedroomdoor
Liketheimmediateotherside.Itsoundedlikehewasspeakingrightagainstthewood.Don’tthinkofwood.“Areyouokayinthere?Lookedlikesomethingwaswrong.”
“I’mfine,”shelied—notverysuccessfully,sincehervoicesoundedlikeithadbeensandedraw.“Ijustneededaminute.”
Toomuchsilencepassed.
Then:“Icansmelltheoil,Hannah.”
Fireblazedupherneckandcheeks.“OhmyGod,”shesaid,droppingherforeheadtothedooragain.“Thisissoembarrassing.”
“Stopthat,Hannah.”Hisvoicehadfallenanotheroctave.“Iwasn’tembarrassedthismorningwhenIadmittedtodoingthesamething.”
“Youdidn’tdoitduringbusinesshours.”
Hislowlaughmadethetinyhairsonthenapeofherneckstandup.“Ifyou’redoneberatingyourselfforhavingnaturalimpulses,youcanopenthedoor.”
“What?”shebreathed,staringatthebarrierinshock.“Why?”
Aslowexhale.“Hannah.”
Thatwasallhesaid.
Whatdidhemeanbythat?
Hannah
Narrowinghereyes,shetriedtoreadbetweenthelines,andmeanwhile,noneoftheheatticklingherbellyhaddissipated.Infact,Godhelpher,standinginherbraandthongwithFoxrightontheothersideofthedoorwasexcitinghermore.
Anditshouldn’tbe.
Foralotofreasons.
One,hewasunavailable.I’mnotintherelationshipraceandIneverwillbe.Afterhe’dmadethatstatement,he’dbackeditupbytryingtohelpherwinanotherman.Nevermindthatshe’dkissedhimatthatpartybecauseshecouldn’tseemtohelpit.She’dwantedto.NothingtodowithSergeiatall.Buthe’dmadeitclearhe’djustbeenhelpingherout.
Right?
Anotherreasonsheshouldn’tbeconsideringthrowingopentheguest-roomdoor?Theywerefriends.Shelikedhim.Alot.Ifshelethiminandsomethinghappened,thingswouldgetawkward.Foxwouldprobablyregrethookingupwithahouseguestimmediately,becausetherewouldbenoeasyexit.
Thatbroughthertothethirdreasonsheabsolutelyshouldnotopenthedoor.
ThegutfeelingthatFoxhadintentionallytriedtoputheroff-balancethismorningwithhisinnatesexuality.Thathe’dwieldeditlikeaweaponforsomepurposeshewasn’tfullygrasping.
Sothereshewas,armedwithherthreereasonsandgingerylube,whentheknobofthebedroomturned,aninchofspaceappearingbetweenthedoorandthejamb.Andthenanother.Another.Untilshewassteppingback
toallowittoswingopencompletely,hertummymusclesseizingatthesightofFoxoutlinedintheentrancetoherroom.Shirtless,filthy,rugged,andsweaty.
Uh-oh.
Hisgazetraveleddowntotheblacktriangleofherthong,amusclepoppinginhisjaw.“Don’tmove.”
Frozeninplace,shewatchedthroughthedoorwayasFoxcrossedtothekitchensinkandwashedhishands,dryingthemonaragandtossingitaway.Andthenhewasprowlingbackinherdirectionthroughtheunlitapartment,enteringtheroomoncemore,andclosingthedoorbehindhim.
“Getoverhere,Hannah.”
Theraspedorderalmostmadehermoan.DidFoxwashinghishandsmeanwhatshethoughtitdid?Thathewasplanningon…touchingher?Itwassuchapracticalaction.Likehewasgettingdowntobusiness.“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.”
“It’sagreatideaifyouneedtocome.”Shetookastepforward,andhecaughtherwrist,pullingherclose,closer,untiltheywereabouttocollide,thenhemovedatthelastsecondandlethercomeupsoftlyagainstthedoor,facingawayfromhim.HisfingerssunkintoHannah’shair,anglingherheadtotheleft,hisbreathfanningherneck,hervisiondoublingwhenhesettledhishandsonherwaistandsqueezed,hispalmsscrapingslowlytothecenterofherbelly,wakingupabunchofJaneDoehormones,neverbeforeencounteredandthereforenevernamed.“Goddamn,Hannah.Youaresuchasexylittlething.”
“Fox…”
“Uh-huh.Let’stalkthisoutforasecond,”hesaidthicklyagainstherneck,justgrazingherskinwithhisteeth,hisknucklesscrubbingsidetosideoverherbellybutton.“Youleftthesetlikeitwasonfiretocomeoverhereandtouchyourself.”
Shemadeanunintelligiblenoisethatmighthavepassedforayes.Weretheyreallydiscussingthisoutloud?Wasthisactuallyhappening?
“Iknowitwasn’tthedirectorthatmadeyouneedthis.”Eversoslightly,hisfingertipsbrushedthewaistbandofherpanties,thetipofhismiddledigitsneakingunder,teasingrightandleft.“Maybeyou’llgotohimforstimulatingconversation,butI’mwhereyoucomeforthedownanddirty.”
What?
Withaneffort,Hannahtriedtomakesenseofthat.Notjustthewordscomingoutofhismouth,buttherebelliontheyprovokedinsideher.Think
Notsoeasywhenslowly,soslowly,hecrowdedherclosertothedoor,andthere…hiserectionmetherbottom,hishipsrollingasifhewasdolingoutatreat.“Doyouwantmyfingersbetweenyourlegs?”
Yes
Honestly,shealmostscreamedit.
Therewassomethingwrongwiththispicture,though.Ifherlibidowouldstopwailinglikeababyforasecond,she’dbeabletopieceittogether.“Fox…”
“ThisiswhatIdo,Hannah.Letmedoit.”Histonguejourneyedupthesideofherneckwithsuchblatant,animalsexuality,hereyescrossed.“Itcanjustbeasecretbetweenfriendsinthedark.”
Friends.
Thatwordgotthroughtoher.
Andthen:ThisiswhatIdo.Abrag…butnot.Becausetherewasanedgejustunderthesurfaceofhistonethatdidn’tbelonginascenariolikethis.Alldaylong,therehadbeenanettleunderherskinregardinghisbehaviorthatmorning,andnowsheunderstoodwhatwashappening.Thewhywasstillamystery,butatleastshehadastartingpoint.“Fox,no.”
Hishandsstilledimmediately,lifted,andlaidflatonthedoor.“No?”
Itwaspainfullyobvioushe’dneverheardthatwordbefore.Notfromawoman.Hannahcouldn’tblameasingleoneofthem,either.Therewassomethingaboutthewayhespokesofrankly,touchedwithanaimtowardarousing,movedsofluidly,thatmadeinhibitionsandinsecuritiesseemirrelevant.Theywereonlytwopeoplescratchinganitch,andtherewasnothingwrongwiththat,right?Hewasawalkinginvitationtoletloose.
Butshewasn’tfallingforit.
Hannahdidn’thaveagameplan.Couldn’tformulateonewhenherbrainandhervaginawereattotalodds.Soshespokehonestly,withoutsecond-guessingherself.
“Okay…”Shelickedherlips,whisperingintothedark.“Fine.Youmademethisway.Youmademeneedto…dothis.Talkingaboutblowingoffsteamand…andtheshirtlessness.Isthatwhatyouwanttohear?”
“Yes,”hegrowledbesideherear.“Letmefinishyou.”
“No.”
Hishandscurledintofistsonthedoor,ahumorlesslaughpushingthehairathertemplearound.“Whatareyouworriedabout,Hannah?Makingthingsweirdbetweenus?Itwon’t.Youknowwhatisweird?ThefactthatIhaven’tfuckedyou.It’saseasyasbreathingforme.”
“No,it’snot.”
Assoonasshesaidit,thebeliefturnedsolidasconcrete.
Thatwastheedgesheheardinhisvoice.Thatwaswhyhe’dseemedtoalmostbeperformingthismorning.Acting.Overcompensating.
Apauseensued.“What?”
“It’snoteasyforyou.Isit?”SheturnedbetweenFoxandthedoor,lookingupintohisguardedexpression,aheavyobjecttumblingendoverendinherstomach.“Sexiswhatyoudo?Maybe.Butit’snotallyoudo.
Stoptryingtopushthatgarbageonme.Youdiditthismorningandyou’redoingitnow.”
Hisstraightlineofwhiteteethflashedinthedarknessashepuffedalaugh.“Jesus,Hannah.Herewegowiththepsychologybullshit.”
“Callitwhateveryouwant.”
Allatonce,hisdemeanorturnedcasuallyseductive.Hedroppedhismouthdown,leavingitamillimeterawayfromhers.“Youknow,”herasped,hislipsghostingoverhers.“Icouldtalkyouintoit.”
“You’rewelcometotry.”
Okay,shereallyshouldn’thavesaidthat.
Hisensuingsmirkspelleddisaster.
“Droptheoil,wetgirl,”hesaid.“Webothknowyoudon’tneedit.”
God,thatwassuchacocky—andannoyinglytrue—statement.Thelineshouldhaveirkedher.Notpushedherbacktowardthatpinnacleofneed,rightwhereshe’dbeenbeforeshe’dglimpsedthepotentialdemonsinsidethisman.
Herbreathaccelerated,heatlickingatherbuzzingnerveendings.She’dalreadyadmittedtoFoxthathe’dbeentheonetoturnheron.Butsheneededtochecktheboxesofherowndesirehere.Itcouldn’tbehimthatdiditforher.
Therewasnodenyingthatshewantedtosharesomethingwithhim,however.She’dcalledhimoutonusingsexasaweapon,calledhisbluffonintimacybeingsoeasyforhim.Hiswallhadcomedownbriefly,unnerving
him,andnowHannahwantedtobevulnerableinfrontofhim.TogiveFoxapieceofherselfinreturn.
Anapology,maybe.Oraninvitationtowatchherbedefenseless,asshe’dseenhimafewmomentsago.
Exposureforexposure.
Hannahdroppedtheoil.
Andhechuckledknowingly.
Thesoundcutoffquicklywhensheslippedherfingersdownthefrontofherpanties,slowlypartingherwetfoldswithhermiddlefinger.Fox’sinnatesexualityallowedHannahtokeepeyecontactwhiledoingsomethingsointimate.Somethingsooutofcharacter.Touchingherselfinfrontofaman,beingthestaroftheshow.Shewassteppingwayoutsidehercomfortzonetotrytolethimin.
Thepadofherfingerrodeoverherclit,nearlybucklingherknees.
Shemadeasound,halfmoan,halfstutteredbreath.
“Hannah,”hehissedbetweengrittedteeth,thosehandsplantedhighaboveherheadonthedoor,flexingthicklaborer’smuscles.OhLord.
Havingthismanstandingsoclose,exudingbucketloadsofmasculinity,smellingofsweatandmassageoil,wasgoingtoendthisprettyfast.“Letmetakeover.”
Allshecoulddowasshakeherhead,atighteningsensationalreadybeginningtooccurdeepinhercore,someunreachedplacethatshemustonlybetappingnow.Shewouldhaverememberedfeelingthiswaybefore.
Thisoutofcontrolandfocusedatthesametime.Strokingherselftoclimaxinfrontofthismanwastheultimaterush,andyet,therewassomuchmorehappening.Communicationpassingbetweenthemthatwaswaymoreimportantthanphysicalrelief.
Fox,obviouslynotgivinguponthrowingheroffcourse,ranhisnoseuptheslopeofherneck,humminginherear.“Iwastryingtokeepthisinnocent,butmaybeyou’reholdingoutforabetterofferfromme?”Hisbreathfilledherear.“Youwantmetospreadyououtonthebedandusemytongueonthatpussy,Hannah?SaythewordandI’lldotherest.Allyouhavetodoisslideyourfingersintomyhairandholdon.”
Withthat,Hannahlosttheabilitytobreathe,herfingersmovingfasteronthesensitivepearlofflesh.Itswelledalongwiththepressureinsideher,andFox’sbodyheat,hisscent,thewayhewatchedherwithsalacious
intention,hisownbreathturningshallow,madeeveryinchofhermoresensitive.Herhairfolliclesseemedtoreachouttohim,receivinganelectricalchargeinresponse,andshetrembled,thighssqueezingtightaroundherhand.“You’reenoughwhenyou’renottouchingme,”shewhispered,notevensureshesaiditoutlouduntilFox’sexpressionwentfromlustingtodumbstruck,hischeststartingtoheave.“You’reenoughonyourown.”
Shewatchedhisface,watchedtheconfusiongivewaytohungerandswingbackagain.“Hannah,”hesaidraggedly,droppinghishandstorakethemupanddownherhips,twistinghisfingersinthesidesofherpanties.
“Allright,Igivein.”ThegrowlheletlooseintoherneckshookHannahdowntohertoes.“Youwanttofuck,babe?Hopuphereandlet’sgetitdone.”
Itwaslikehecouldn’tfathomawomanwantingnothingbuthispresence.
Asifherturninghimdownonlymeantshewantedadifferentact.
Adifferentfavorfromhim.
Hannahdidn’tthinktherewasasinglethingunderthesunthatcouldturnherfromhottocoldinthatmoment,butthatglimpsepasthisexteriordidit.ThevulnerabilityshiningthroughdespiteFox’sbesteffortswaslikeadeskfanblowingacrosshersweatyskin,turningitclammy.Somethingakintoindignationscaledthewallsofherchest.Somethingwaswronghere.SomethingwasinsideofFoxthatshouldn’tbe,andshewantedtoputanametoit.
Attemptingtoslowherbreathing,Hannahremovedherfingersfromherunderwear,lettingthemfalltoherside.“Fox…”
Hesteppedbacklikehe’dbeenshocked,nostrilsflaring.
Openedhismouthtosaysomethingandsnappeditshutagain.
Theystaredateachotherforlongseconds.Andthenhereachedforthedoorknob,movinghergentlybutfirmlyoutofthewaysohecouldstrideout,notstoppinguntilhe’dlefttheapartment.
Hannahstaredatnothing,theopeningriffof“DazedandConfused”byZeppelinplayinginherhead.Whattheheckjusthappened?
Itwasn’ttotallyclear,butsuddenlyshedidn’tfeelsogoodaboutcallinghimPeacock—andinthatmoment,Hannahvowedsheneverwouldagain.
ChapterEleven
Foxwouldjustpretendlikeitneverhappened.
That’salltherewastoit.
Whathadactuallyhappened,anyway?Nothing.
ApartfromseeingHannahinabraandpanties,whichwasanimagethatwouldbeburnedintohisbrainforalleternity,he’dputhismouthonherneck,runhishandsoverhersmoothskin.Dirtytalkedheralittlebit.Sowhat?Eventhoughhe’dalmostslipped,noboundarieshadbeencrossed.
Therewasnothingtobetenseabout.
Noreasonforthisfissureinhisgut.
Foxscrubbedahandupanddownthebackofhisneckforcefully,tryingtoridhimselfofthetightness.Hestoodinthekitchensurroundedbyingredientsforpotatoleeksoup,vegetablesfinelychoppedonthecounterwithnocuttingboard.He’dmadeamess,andhecouldbarelyrememberdoingit.Orwalkingtothestoretobuyeverythingheneeded.AllheknewwasthatHannahwouldbebackfromsetanyminutenow,andhefeltlikeheowedheranapology.She’dneededsomethingfromhim,andhe’dfailedtogiveit.
He’dturnedheroff.
Noton.Off
Hannahmustlikethedirectormorethanhethought.OtherwiseshewouldhaveletFoxblowhermind,right?Thathadtobethereasonshe’dstoppedbeforeitwasover.Couldn’tbeanythingelse.Couldn’tbethatFoxhadexposedhimselfbyaccident,andshedidn’tlikewhatshe’dseen.
Couldit?
Hestirredadashofthymeintothesoup,watchingcreamswallowthegreenflecks,veryawareofthepulsebeatingthicklyinhisthroat.Itwasn’t
asthoughrejectionwasatotallyforeignconcepttohim.Butaftercollege,he’dkepthimselfoutofsituationswherebeingdeniedwasapossibility.Hedidhisjobwell,wenthome.Whenhehookedup,thetermswerealreadyoutlinedwiththewomanaheadoftime,nograyareas.Noconfusionaboutanyone’sintentions.Nochancesweretaken.Nonewhorizonswereembarkedupon.
ThisthingwithHannahwasnothingifnotanewhorizon.
Itwasfriendship…andmaybethatwasanotherreasonwhyhe’dfuckingpusheditearliertoday.Becausehedidn’tknowhowtobeafriend.
Thepossibilityoffailingatit,disappointingher,wasdaunting.Now,distractingherwithsex?Thatwassomucheasier.
ThesoundofakeyturninginthelockmadeFox’sinsidesseizeup,buthestirredthesoupcasually,lookingupwithaquicksmilewhenHannahwalkedin.“Hey,Freckles.Hopeyou’rehungry.”
Shevisiblytookhismeasure,hesitatingbeforeturningtoclosethedoor
—andFoxcouldn’thelpbuttakeadvantageofthosefewsecondsshewasn’tlookingathim,absorbingasmuchashecould.Themessybunatthenapeofherneck,strandsofsandy-blondhairpokingoutonallsides.
ClassicHannah.Herprofile,especiallyherstubbornnose.Thepracticalwayshemoved,pressingthedoorshutandlockingit,hershoulderbladesshiftingbeneathherT-shirt.
Jesus,she’dlookedsohotinherunderwear.
Instreetclothes,shewassomeone’slittlesister.Thegirlnextdoor.
Inablackbra-and-pantiesset,holdingmassageoil,eyesladenwithlust,shewasacertifiedsexkitten.
Andshemighthavepurredforhimtemporarily,butshewantedtogetherclawsintosomeoneelse.Heneededtogetonboardwiththat.Forrealthistime.Deepdown,he’dbelievedthatifhejustputinalittleeffort,ofaphysicalnature,shewouldfallathisfeetandforgetallaboutthedirector.
Hadn’the?Well,he’dbeenmistaken.Hannahwasn’tthetypetogenuinelylikeonemanwhilehookingupwithanother,andithadbeenwrong,sickeninglywrong,toputherinthatposition.
FoxzippedhisattentionbacktothestovewhenHannahfacedthekitchenonceagain.“Thatsmellsamazing.”Shestoppedattheislandbehindhim,andFoxcouldsenseherworkinguptosomething.Heshould
haveknownshecouldn’tjustpretendthisafternoondidn’thappen.Thatwasn’therstyle.“Aboutwhathappenedtoday…”
“Hannah.”Helaughed,addingaforcefulshakeofpeppertothepot.
“Nothinghappened.It’snotworthtalkingabout.”
“Okay.”Withoutturningaround,heknewshewaschewingonherlip,tryingtotalkherselfintodroppingthesubject.Healsoknewshewouldn’tsucceed.“Ijustwantedtosay…I’msorry.Ishouldhavestoppedsooner.I
—”
“No.Ishouldhaveletyouhaveyourprivacy.”Hetriedtoclearthepinchinhisthroat.“Iassumedyouwouldwantmethere,andIshouldn’thave.”
“Itwasn’tthatIdidn’twantyouthere,Fox.”
Christ.Nowshewasgoingtotrytomakehimfeelbetterovertherejection?Hewouldratherturnthehotpotofsoupupsidedownoverhisheadthanlistentoherexplainshewasbeingtruetoherfeelingsforthedirector.“Youknow,it’stotallypossibletojusteatthissoupandtalkaboutsomethingelse.Ipromiseyoururgetohashouteverydetailofwhathappenedwillpass.”
“That’scalledsuppression.It’sveryunhealthy.”
“We’llsurvivejustthisonce.”
Shemoseyedaroundthefarsideoftheisland,draggingherfingeralongthesurface.Thenshereversedhercourse,fillingonecheekwithairandlettingitseepout.
Man,itwaswildthathecouldbefrustratedwithherinabilitytodropasensitivesubjectwhilebeinggratefulforitatthesametime.He’dnevermetanyoneinhislifethatgaveashitashardasHannah.Forotherpeople.
Shethoughtthatcompassionmadeherasupportingactressinsteadofaleadingone,anddidn’trealizethatherempathy,thefiercewayshecared,madehersomethingbigger.Hannahbelongedinacategoryfarmorerealthanthecreditsofamovie.Acategoryallherown.
Andhewantedtogiveintoher.Torehashwhathappenedinthebedroomearlier,hisreactiontobeingmade…useless.Atleastinthatmoment,hewantedtogiveinandlethersortthroughhisshit,nomatterhowmuchthisdiscussionscaredhim.Becauseeverydaythatpassed,shecamealittleclosertogoingbacktoLA,andFoxdidn’tknowwhenhe’d
havehernearhimagain.Maybenever.Notinhisapartment.Notalone.
Thisopportunitywouldbegonesoon.
Heusedaladletofilltwobowlswiththethicksoup,addedspoonsandslidoneacrossthecountertoHannah.“Canwejustworkuptoitalittle?”
hesaidgruffly,unabletolookatherrightaway.
Whenhedid,shewasnoddingslowly.“Ofcourse.”Shevisiblyshookherself,pickedupthespoon,andblewonabite,insertingitbetweenherlipsinawayhecouldn’thelpbutwatchhungrily,hisabdomenknittingtogetherandflexingbeneaththeisland.“ShouldIdistractusbytellingyouIhadaterribleday?Notbecauseof”—shejerkedherheadinthedirectionoftheguestroom—“notjustbecauseofthat.”
Hisvanitywasinfuckingshreds.“Okay.Whatelsewasterribleaboutit?”
“Well,wedidn’tgettheshotweneeded,becauseChristianwouldn’tcomeoutofhistrailerafterlunch.Mightmeanaddingdaystotheschedule,ifwe’renotcareful.”Foxshouldn’thavebeensurprisedwhenhispulsejumpedhappilyatthepossibilityofHannahstayinglonger,buthewas.
Howintenselydidhefeelforthisgirlandinwhatway?Everything,everyfeelingornon-feeling,wasusuallywrappedupinsexforhim.Onlysex.Evenifthedirectorwasn’tinthepicture,washecapableofgoingbeyondthatwithHannah?
“AndItriedtwicetoapproachBrinley,butshewasprettydeterminedtoblowmeoff.I’mnotsureI’mgoingtogettheexperienceIwashopingforand…don’ttellanyonethispart.”
Foxraisedaneyebrow.“WhoamIgoingtotell?”
“Right.”Hervoicedroppedtoawhisper.“Idon’tlovethedirectionshe’sgoingwiththescoreonthisfilm.”
Containinghisamusementwasdifficult.“Yourshit-talkingneedswork.”
“I’mnottalkingshit.Ijust…SergeishiftedgearsbychangingthelocationtoWestport,andIdon’tthinksheshiftedgearswithhim.Thereisgritinherchoices.AnLAclub-scenevibe.”Hekepthissmileinplacewhenshementionedtheotherman,butittookaneffort.“Thesongsdon’tfit,butIcan’tmakesuggestionswithoutlookinglikeaknow-it-all.”
“Whatabouttalkingto”—hetriedtolicktheacidictasteoutofhismouth,gaveup,tookanextra-largebiteofsoup—“Sergei?”
“Gooverherhead?”HannahdrewanXontothesurfaceofhersoupwiththetipofherspoon.“No,Icouldn’tdothat.”
Hescrutinizedherforasecond.“Ifyouwereincharge,whatwouldyoudodifferently?”
“That’stheotherterriblepartofmyday.Idon’tknow.Thesongsaren’tcomingtomeliketheyusuallywould.Iguess…somethingthatcapturedthetimelessspiritofthisplace.Thelayersandgenerations…”Shetrailedoff,quietlyrepeatingthatlastword.“Generations.”
Whenshedidn’telaborate,Foxrealizedhewasholdinghisbreath,waitingtoseewhatshesaidnext.“Generations…?”
“Yeah.”Sheshookherhead.“Iwasjustrememberingtheseashantiesmygrandmothergavemetheotherday.Awholefolderofthemshefound.
Theywerewrittenbymyfather,apparently.”
“Wow.”Hesetdownhisspoon.Almostsaid,Whydidn’tyoutellme?
Butthoughtitwouldsoundpresumptuous.“That’sexciting,right?”Hestudiedherfeatures,noticingthetensionaroundthecornersofhermouth.
“You’refeelingsomekindofwayaboutthewholething,yeah?”
Shemadeawishy-washysound.“It’snothing.”
“Ohno.Nope.”Hepushedhisbowlaside,crossinghisarmsoverhischest.“Youwanttoburymyfeetincementandforcemetotalkaboutshitthatmakesmeuncomfortable,Freckles,you’regoingtodothesame.”
“Uh,excuseme.Wheredoyougetoffbeingright?”
Hecrackedasmile,wavedheron.“I’mwaiting.”
Glumly,sheshoveledafinalbiteofsoupintohermouthandmadeawholeshowofmimickinghim,pushingherbowlasideandcrossingherarms.“Look.Thisismestalling.”
Whydidhehavetolikehersofuckingmuch,huh?“Icanseethat.”
“Thisisn’tgoingtodistractmefromtheactualconversationwe’regoingtohave,”shewarnedhim.
Hislipstwitched.“Noted.”
“Well.Fine.”Shedroppedherhandsandstartedtopace.“It’sjustthat…youknow,Piper,shereallyconnectedtothesoulofHenryCross.
Whenwewereherelastsummer?Andme…Iwaskindofpretendingto.”
Shestoppedpacingtolookathim,judginghisexpression,whichhekeptimpassive.Ontheinside,hewascuriousashell.“Okay.Igetpretending.”
Hannahstudiedhisfacethoughtfullybeforecontinuing.“IwastwoyearsoldwhenweleftWestport.Idon’trememberanythingaboutHenryCrossorthisplace.NomatterhowmuchIdig,Ican’t…Ican’tfeelanythingforthis…invisiblepast.Nothingbutguilt,anyway.”
“Whyareyouunderpressuretofeelsomething?”
“I’mnotunderpressure,really.It’sjustthatIusuallywould.Feelsomething.Icanwatchasongplayoutinmyheadlikeamovieandbondwiththewordsandsound,connectwithsomethingwrittenaboutasituationI’mnotevenfamiliarwith.I’manemotionalperson,youknow?Butthis…It’slikezip.LikeI’vegotamentalblockonanythingrelatedtomyfather.”
Itwasreallybotheringher.Hecouldseethat.Andthus,itwasbotheringhim.NotonlythatthislackofconnectionwithHenryCrosswasunderherskin,but…whatifhecouldn’tfindtherightwordstomakeitbetter?
Comfortingwomenwasn’texactlyhisforte.“Doyouwanttoforgesomekindofbondwiththepast?WithHenry?”
“Idon’tknow.”
“Whywereyoudrawnbackhere?”
“Imissedmysister.Imissedthisplace.Ievenmissedyoualittle,”shesaidplayfully,butsoberedagainquickly.“That’sall.”
“Isthatall?Missingpeople?Orareyouchewingonsomethingyoucan’tquitename?”Foxwishedhehadhisshirtoff,sohecouldfeellessexposed.Andwhatsensedidthatmake?“Samewayyoucameinhere,pokingatmeuntilIgaveinandagreedtohavethedamntalk…Maybeyou’rejustdoingthesamewiththisplace.Pokingarounduntilyoufindthewayin.Butyouknowwhat?Ifitdoesn’thappen,itdoesn’tmakeyouguiltyofanything,Hannah.”
Slowly,gratitudespreadacrossherfeatures,andheletoutabreath
“Thanks.”Shestaredatsomethinginvisibleinthedistance.“Maybeyou’reright.”
Desperateforsomewaytogettheattentionoffhimself,atleastwhilehewasattemptingtodoleoutcomfort,hecoughedintohisfist.“Wantmetotakealookatthem?Imightrecognizeoneortwo.”
“Really?Youstill…singshantiesontheboat?”
“Imean,notveryoften.SometimesDekestartsoneoff.Notjoininginkindofmakesyouadick.Caseinpoint,Brendanneversingsalong.”
Thatgotalaughoutofher,andsomeweightlefthisshoulders.“Okay,I’llgograbthem.”Sheseemednervousaboutthewholething,sotheymightaswellgetcomfortable.WhileHannahwasintheguestroom,heputtheirbowlsinthesinkandmovedtothelivingroom,takingaspotonthecouch.Aminutelater,shereturnedwithafadedbluefolderstuffedwithpapersandsatonthefloorinfrontofthecoffeetable,pausingslightlybeforeopeningit.Sheranafingeroveralineofscript,browsdrawninconcentration,thenhandedhimastack.
Foxscannedafewlinesonthefirstpage,didn’trecognizethelyrics,butthesecondonewasveryfamiliar.“Ah,yeah.Iknowthisonewell.Theold-timersstillsingitsometimesinBlowtheManDown.”Hischucklebetrayedhisdisbelief.“Ididn’tknowHenryCrosswrotethis.Youalwayskindofassumethesesongsareamillionyearsold.”
Hannahshiftedintoacross-leggedpositiononthefloor.“Soyouknowthatone.Canyousingit?”
“What?Like,rightnow?”
Shegavehimpuppy-dogeyes,andhisjugularstretchedliketheskinofadrum.Sucker.Butknowinghecouldhelp,knowinghecoulddosomethingtopotentiallymakeherhappy?Thatwaslikeholdingthekeystoakingdom.Evenifhehadtosingtogettotheotherside.ThedesiretogiveHannahwhatsheneededhadhimadjustingthepaperinhislap,clearinghisthroat.
Therewasahugepossibilitythiswouldn’tmeanmuchtoher,either,butwhenshelookedathimlikethat,hehadtotry.“Imean,ifitmeansthatmuchtoyou…”
Inavoicethatdefinitelywouldn’twinhimanycontests,Foxstartedtosing“ASeafarer’sBounty.”
ChapterTwelve
Bornuntothefog
Andferriedbythetide,
Tothewombofhisship
Whereheearnshispride,
Aseafarer’sbounty
Meanscoininhandandnooneathisside.
Thehunthasnoend.
It’sagame,it’sthefame.
Alovetodefend.
Atreasuretoclaim.
Bootstothedeck,men,comeonnow,let’sride.
Tradetheglass
Formylass.
Andthewild
Formychild.
Tradethewind
Forher.
Tradethemayhem
Forthem.
Andit’sanchorsdown.There’salifebeyondthetide.
Treasureisnotmere
Rubiesandgold.
Whenaseafarerfindshiswarmth
Fromthecold.
Nolongerarethedeepbluewaveshisonlybride.
Homeisthefortune,
Healthistheprize.
Tolieinherarms,
Tolookintheireyes,
Bythelawsoftheland,asailorwilllearntoabide.
Tradetheglass
Formylass.
Andthewild
Formychild.
Tradethewind
Forher.
Tradethemayhem
Forthem.
Andit’sanchorsdown.There’salifebeyondthetide.
Soon,loves,soon.
Soon,loves,soon.
Onelastride,
Attheriseofthemoon.
Thenit’shometomybounty.
We’llwriteourfamily’stune.
Hannahwaselevenwhenshegotherfirstpairofheadphones.
She’dalwayssungalongloudlytowhateverplayedonsatelliteradio.
Alwayshadaknackforrememberingthewords,knowingexactlywherethetempopickedup.Butwhenshegotthoseheadphones,whenshecouldbealonewiththemusic,that’swhenherenjoymentofitsoared.
Sincetheywereagiftfromherstepfather,ofcoursetheywerecompletelyoverthetop.Pinknoise-cancelingonesthatwerealmosttooheavyforhernecktoholdup.Soshe’dspenthoursuponhoursinherroomlyingdown,headsupportedbyapillow,playingthemusichermotherhadloadedontoherphone.BillieHolidayhadtransportedhertothesmokyjazzroomsofthepast.TheMetallicashe’ddownloaded,despitelackinghermother’spermission,madeherwanttorageandkickthings.Whenshegotalittleolder,PinkFloydmadehercuriousaboutinstrumentsandmethodandartisticexperimentation.
Musiccouldcutherstraightdownthemiddle.Nothingelseinherlifehadthepowertodothat.Sheoftenwonderedifsomethingwaswrongwithherthatareal-lifeeventcouldhavelessofanimpactthanasongwritten
fiftyyearsago.Butthosetwoparallellines—reallifeandart—hadnevercollidedlikethis.Andforthesecondtimesinceshe’dmetFox,hewasinsidetheexperiencewithher.Thisexperienceshe’dalways,alwayshadalone.Wantedtohavealone.ThefirsttimehadbeenattherecordexpoinSeattlewhenthey’dsharedapairofAirPodsinthemiddleofabusyaisle,theworldceasingtoexistaroundthem.Thesecondtimewasnow.Inhislivingroom.
Foxsangherfather’swords,fillingtheunadornedlivingroomwithanechofromthepastthatwrappedrightaroundherthroatandsqueezed.
Hissingingvoicewasslightlydeeperthanhisspeakingone,lowandhusky,likealoverwhisperingtosomeoneinthedark,andthatfithimsowell,theintimatequalityofit.Likehewaspassingonasecret.Itrackedherwithawarmshiverandcircledherinahugshedesperatelyneeded,because,ohGod,itwasabeautifulsong.Notjustanysong,though…Itwasaboutherfamily.
Sheknewfromthefirstrefrain.
Anintuitionrippledinherfingertipsuntilshehadtograspthemtogetherinherlap,andasmoreandmorelyricsaboutafisherman’sgrowingdedicationtohisfamilypassedFox’slips,hisimagebeguntoblur.Butshecouldn’tblinktoridherselfofthemoisture,couldonlyletitpoolthere,asifanymovementmightswipethemelodyfromtheair,robherofthegrowingburninthecenterofherchest.
Somanytimesshe’dtriedtobridgethegapbetweenherselfandthismanwho’dfatheredher,andneversucceeded.Notwhenshe’dgonetovisitthebrassstatueinhishonorupattheharbor,notinlookingatdozensofphotographswithOpal.She’dfeltatremorofnostalgiauponopeningCrossandDaughterswithPiper,but…therehadbeennothinglikethis.HearingthesongwasalmostlikehavingaconversationwithHenryCross.Itwastheclosestshewouldevercome.Thisexplanationofhisconflictingloves—
theseaandhisfamily.
Atonepoint,atleastwhilewritingthissong,he’dwantedtoquitfishing.
He’dwantedtostayhomemore.Withthem.Itjustdidn’thappenintime.
Orhekeptbeingpulledbacktotheocean.Whateverthereasonmaybe,withhisconfession,hefinallybecamereal.
“Hannah.”
Fox’sworriedvoicebroughtherheadup,andshefoundhimrisingfromthecouch,comingtowardher.Heletthepaperfloatdowntorestonthetable,andshewatchedithappenthroughdampeyes,herheartflappinginherthroat.
“Sorry,Ididn’texpectthat.Ididn’texpect…”
Sheletthesentencetrailoffwhenhervoicestartedtocrack.AndthenFoxwasscoopingherupoffthefloorintohisarms.Heseemedalmoststunnedthathe’ddoneit,circlingforamomentasifhedidn’tknowwhattodowithhernowthathehadher,buthefinallyturnedandcarriedherfromtheroom.Withherforeheadtuckedintohisneck—whendiditgetthere?—
shewatchedastheystoppedinfrontofthedoortohisbedroom,hismusclestensingaroundher.“Just…I’mnotsuggestinganythingbybringingyouinhere,okay?Ijustthoughtyou’dwanttogetawayfromit.”
Didthatmakeanysense?Notreally.Buttoher,itdid.Andhewasright.
Shewantedtoberemovedfromthemomentbeforeitateheralive,andhe’dsensedit.Foxshoulderedopenthedoorandbroughtherintohiscool,darkbedroom,sittingthemontheedgeoftheunmadebed,Hannahcurledinhislap,tearscreatingtwinriversdownherface.“Christ,”hesaid,duckinghisheadtomeethereyes.“Ihadnoideamysingingwasthisbad.”
Awaterylaughburstoutofher.“It’sactuallykindofperfect.”
Helookedskeptical,butrelievedshe’dlaughed.“Ididn’trememberwhatthesongwasaboutuntilIwashalfwaythroughit.I’msorry.”
“No.”Sheleanedhertempleagainsthisshoulder.“It’sgoodtoknowI’mnotmadeofstone,youknow?”
Hisfingershoveredjustaboveherfacemomentarily,beforeheusedhisthumbstobrushawayhertears.“You’rethefurthestthingfromthat,Hannah.”
Severalmomentstickedbywhileshereplayedthelyricsinherhead,contenttobeheldinanembracethatwasunrushedandsturdy.“Ithinkmaybe…upuntilIheardthesong,therewaspartofmethatdidn’treallybelieveHenrycouldbemydad.LikeitwasallsomemistakeandI’vebeengoingalongwithit.”
“Andnow?”
“NowIfeellike…he’sfoundawaytoreassureme.”Sheturnedherfaceintohischestandsighed.“Youhelpedwiththat.”
Hisforearmmusclestwitchedbeneathherknees.“I…No.”
“Yeah,”sheinsistedsoftly.“OpalthoughtHenrymightbewhereIgotmyloveformusic.It’sweirdtothinkitcamefromsomewhere.LikealittleboopofDNAmakesmyspinetingleduringtheopeningnotesof‘SmokeontheWater.’”
Fox’schestrumbled.“It’s‘Thunderstruck’forme.AC/DC.”Abeatpassed.“Allright,I’mlying.It’s‘HereComestheSun.’”
HiswarmT-shirtabsorbedherlaugh.“There’snowaytohearitwithoutsmiling.”
“Therereallyisn’t.”Hestrokedhisfingertipsdownherrightarm,thenseemedtopullback,asifhe’ddoneitwithoutthinkingandrealizeditwastoomuch.“Ialwayswonderwhyyoudon’tplayaninstrument.”
“Oh,doIhaveastoryforyou.”Herarmstilltingledfromwherehe’dtouchedit.Theyweresittinginthedark,speakinginhushedtonesonhisbed.Shewasinhislapandwrappedinhisarms,andtherewasnothinguncomfortableaboutit.Noneoftheawkwardnessthatwouldnormallycomefromblubberinginfrontofsomeonewhowasn’tPiper.AlthoughHannahcouldn’tdenytherewasanunderlyingtensioninFox.Likeelectricitythathedidn’tknowhowtoturnoffbutwasclearlytryingto.“IwentthroughsuchanobnoxioushipsterphasewhenIwasthirteen.LikeIthoughtIwastrulydiscoveringalltheseclassicsongsforthefirsttimeandnooneunderstoodorappreciatedthemlikeme.Iwasterrible.AndIwantedtobedifferent,soIaskedforharmonicalessons.”Shetiltedherheadback,foundhiseyesinthedark.“Wordtothewise,don’teverlearntheharmonicawhileyouhavebraces.”
“Hannah.OhGod.No.”Hisheadfellbackbriefly,alaughpuffingoutofhim.“Whathappened?”
“OurparentswereintheMediterranean,sowewalkedtoourneighbor’shouseandtheywereinFrance—”
“Ah,yes.Typicalneighborhoodproblems.”
Shesnorted.“SotheirlandscaperofferedtodrivemeandPiper—whohadactuallypeedherpantslaughing—inthebackofhistruck.”Shecouldbarelykeephervoiceeven,theneedtogigglewassogreat.“Weweredriventotheclosesthospitalinthebackofapickuptruckwhiletheharmonicawasstucktomyface.EverytimeIexhaled,theharmonicawouldplayafewnotes.Peoplewerehonking…”
Hiswholebodywasshakingwithlaughter,andHannahcouldtellhe’dfinally,fullyrelaxed.Thesexualtensiondidn’tleavecompletely,buthe’dshelveditfornow.“Whatdidtheysayatthehospital?”
“TheyaskedifIwastakingrequests.”
Hewaslaughingbefore,butnowhefellbackward,thesoundboomingandunrestrained.Hannahyelpedasthemattressdipped,causinghertorollwithoutwarningontopofhim.Sheendedupsprawledwithherhipagainsthisstomach,herupperhalftwistedsotheirchestswerepressedtogether.
Fox’slaughterdiedwhenherealizedtheirposition.
Theirmouthswereonlyaninchapart—andHannahwantedtokisshim.
Terribly.Hisdarkeningeyessaidhewantedthesame.Ifshewasbeinghonest,shewantedtostraddlehishipsanddoalotmorethankiss.Butshelistenedtoherinstincts,thesameonesshe’dheededthatafternoon,andheldback,scootingawaysotheywerenolongertouchingandherheadwasrestingonhispillow.Foxwatchedherfromunderhishoodedeyelids,hischestrisingandfalling,thencarefullyarrangedhimselfacrossfromher,hisheadontheotherpillow.Asiffollowingherlead.
Theystayedlikethatforawhile,severalminutespassingwithouteitherofthemsayingaword.Almostasiftheyweregettingusedtobeinginabedtogether.Beingthisupcloseandpersonalwithouttheweightofexpectations.Itwasenoughtosimplylietherewithhim,andHannahneededhimtoknowthat.Shecouldn’tshakethefeelingthatitwasimportantforhimtoknowthatnothingneededtohappenbetweenthemforthistimetogethertobeworthwhile.
“Allright…”hestarted,watchinghersteadily.“Iguesswe’veworkeduptoit.”
Hannahdidn’tmove.Didn’tevenswallow.
Foxshiftedonthebed,heldoutthewristonwhichheworealeatherbracelet.“Thisbelongedtomyfather.Heworkeddownthecoastaways.Afisherman,too.Hemarriedmymotheraftershegotpregnantwithme,butthemarriagedidn’tlastbeyondafewprettymiserableyears.”Hetwistedhiswrist,makingtheleatherturnalittle.“IwearthistoremindmyselfI’mexactlylikehimandthatwillneverchange.”
***
Thewayhesaiditdaredhertorecoil.Orissueadenial.
Butsheonlyheldhisgazeandwaitedpatiently,herfistcurledintohispillow,eyesandmouthpuffyfromcrying.Cuteandcompassionateandsingular.Oneofakind.Andshewasinterestedinthissobstory?
Whatthehellwasthis,anyway?Aheart-to-heartinthedarkwithagirl?
Hisheadboardshouldbecrackingoffthewallrightnow.Sheshouldbescreamingintohisshoulder,drawingbloodonhisback.Thecorneredanimalinsidehimbayed,begginghimtodistract.Toreachoverandfistherdress,dragheracrossthebedandrollrightontopofher,makeherdizzywithhistongueinhermouth.
Hisweaponhadbeentakenaway,though.She’ddisarmedhimthisafternoon.
Noarmor.Nothingtodeflectwith.
Andpartofhimseriouslyhatedthevulnerablestateinwhichshe’dlefthim.Therailingofhisshiphaddisappeared,nobarriertoblockhimfromtopplingintotheturbulentsea.Hedidn’twantthiskindofintimacy.Didn’twantsympathyorpityorunderstanding.Hewasjustfinecontinuingtoguardthewound.Pretendingitwasn’tthere.Whothehellwasshetocomeandripoffthebandage?
ShewasHannah.That’swho.
Thisgirlwhodidn’twanttohavesexwithhim—andyetwasstillinterested.Lyingthereinhisbedwantingtoknowmoreabouthim.Nosignofjudgment.Noimpatience.Nomovementsatall.Andasmuchasheresentedtheintrusionintohisinnerhell,Jesus,hefuckingadoredher,wantedtogiveheranythingshewanted.Sobadlythatitburned.
IwearthistoremindmyselfI’mexactlylikehimandthatwillneverchange
Withhiswordshangingintheatmosphere,hestuffedhishandunderthepillow,puttingthebraceletoutofsight.“Inevermadeaconsciouschoicetobelikehim,Ijustwas.EvenbeforeI’deverbeenwithagirl,itwaslike…
everyonetreatedmelikebeing…experiencedwasinevitable.Thereissomethinginmypersonality,thewayIlook,Iguess.Theparentsofmyschoolmateswerealwayssaying,Lookoutforthatone.He’sgotthedevilinhiseyes.Or,He’stheoneyourmamawarnsyouabout.Itdidn’tmakesensewhenIwasyounger,butasIgotolderandstartedtorecognizemyfather’sbehaviorwithwomen,Ifigureditout.Mysixth-gradeteacherusedtosay,
He’sgoingtobeaheartbreaker.Everyonelaughedandagreedand…
Look,Idon’trememberexactlywhenitstarted,onlythatIeventuallyembracedthatimageonceIwasinhighschooluntiltherewasablur.Justafuckingblurofbodiesandfacesandhands.”
Hebreathedinandoutthroughhisnose,locatingthecouragetokeepgoing.Tocompletelyunwraphimselfinfrontofthisgirlwhoseopinionmatteredsomuchtohim.
“WhenIwasasenior,mymomsentmetovisitmyfatherforaweekend.He’dbeentryingtoreachout,sendingcardsandwhatnot.Theydidn’thaveaformalarrangement,shejustthoughthedeservedashot.
And…afteracoupleofdaysathisplace,Iknew.IknewIdidn’twanttobelikehim,Hannah.”
Somedetailshekepttohimself.
AlreadyhefeltlikethiswholeseedyexplanationofhislifestylewascorruptingHannah.Thissweetheartwithallthefuckingpromiseintheworldandaheadfullofsongsdidn’tneedhispasttakingupspaceinhermind.Theywereonoppositeendsofthebed,liketwosidesofthemoon—
onedark,onelight—sohewouldn’ttellherabouttherevolvingdoorofwomenhe’dwitnessedcominginandoutofhisfather’sapartmentthatweekend.Orthesoundshe’dheard.Theflirtingandfightingandcloyingsmellofpot.
Foxswallowedhard,beggingthepaceofhispulsetoslow.“Anyway.”
Afullminutepassedwhilehetriedtogetittogether.Hewasn’tsurehecouldexplaintherestuntilHannahslidherhandacrossthebedandthreadedtheirfingerstogether.Heflinched,butsheheldon.
“Anyway,”hecontinued,tryingnottoacknowledgethewarmthspreadinguphisarm.“Ialwayshaddecentgrades,believeitornot.
ProbablyhaveBrendantothankforthat.Hewasalwaysropingmeintostudygroupsandforcingmetodoflashcardswithhim.”
“FlashcardsaresoBrendan,”shemurmured.“Ibettheywerecolor-coded.”
“Andalphabetized.”Hecouldn’thelppressingthepadofhisthumbtoherpulse,rubbingthesensitivespotoncebeforeforcinghistouchbacktoplatonic.Therewasnodistractingherwithsex—shedidn’twantit.Asmuchasthatdisappointedhim,hewasstartingtofindtherewassomethingfreeinginnothavingtoperformphysically.Innothavingtofulfillan
expectation.“Mostofmyfriendsstayedcloseforcollege,butIgotoutofhere.Iwantedtogetridofthisimage.This…labelasthelocalstud.I’dearnedit,fine,butIdidn’twantitanymore.SoIleft.IwenttoMinnesotaandIfoundnewpeople.Iwasanewperson.Thefirsttwoyearsofcollege,Idatedoccasionally,butnothinglikewhatIwasdoinginhighschool.Notevenclose.AndthenImetMelinda.Wedidn’tgotothesameschool,butshelivedclosebyand…Ithoughtitwasserious.I’dneverbeeninarealrelationshipbefore,butitfeltlikeone.Wewenttothemovies,outoftown.
Istoppedseeingotherpeople.Itwaslike,shit…Icandothis.Idon’thavetofitintothemoldanymore.”
Asharpobjectslidbetweenhisribs,preparingtoskewer.
“Atthesametime,Ihadthisfriend,right?Kirk.HewastheonewhointroducedmetoMelinda.Ashisfamilyfriend.KirkandIsharedadormroom,bothofusmajoringinbusiness.Sophomoreyear,wedecidedtoworktogetheronastart-up.Wehadthisideaforanonlinestockfootagecompanythatwouldspecializeinaerialshots.Fromdrones.”Heshookhishead.“Therearecompaniesnowthatdothis.Yourproductioncompanyhasprobablyusedone.Butbackthen,therewasn’tanythinglikeit.Andweworkedonithard.Weweregoingtobebusinesspartners.Iwas,like,amillionfuckingmilesfromwhoandwhatI’dbeeninWestport,youknow?”
Washereallygoingtotellherthenextpartandhumiliatehimselfonpurpose?Itwasbadenoughthathehadtolivewiththeembarrassmentofwhathappenedbackthen,letalonewatchHannahregisterit.Buthergripwasfirmonhishand,hereyesunwavering,andhejustkeptgoing,likehe’dbeengivenaninvisiblepush,noideawherehewouldlandbutknowinghecouldn’tstopnow
“Oneholidayweekend,Melindawashomevisitingherparents.I’dlied,sayingIwasgoinghome,too.Ididn’t,though.Ineverwenthomebackthen.IwantedtopretendWestportdidn’tevenexist.NooneknewwhoI’dbeen,andIwantedtokeepitthatway.”Heletoutalongbreath.“Thatweekend,Icamebackfromfinishingapaperinthelibrary,andtheywereinourdorm.Together.WatchingamovieinKirk’sbed.”HetriedtopullhishandfreeofHannah’s,becausehewasstartingtofeeldirtyoverwhatwascomingandhedidn’twantthatfilthinesstouchingher,butsheheldon,tighteningherhold.“SoIconfrontedthem.ExplainedthatMelindaandI
hadbeenseeingeachotherformonths.Kirkwaslivid,butMelinda…shejustlaughed.”
Hannahfrowned.Herfirstvisiblereactiontothewholesordidstory.Forsomereason,heabsorbedthatreactionlikeasponge.Yeah,itwasconfusing,right?Yeah.Shethoughtso,too.Thatwassomething.He’dhavetoexplaininaminute,andherconfusionwouldclearup,butfornow,thatfrownprovidedhimthepushheneededtofinish
“Turnsout,Iwasherhallpass.”Thesharpnessinhissternumpulledbackandlancedforward.“SheremindedKirkthatIwasherfreepass,they’destablisheditondayone,sohecouldn’tbemadshe’dcheated.Iwasjusttheside-doorguy.Notaseriousboyfriend.”Heshruggedjerkily.“Ididn’tknowtheyweredatingbecauseheneverbroughtheraroundme.
Becauseofthis.Becausehewasjealousoverherfindingmeattractive.Andspoiler,she’ddefinitelycalledhisbluffonthehallpass.Hewasnotokaywithitatall.Hewalkedawayfromthestart-up,movedoutofthedorm.
Neverwantedtospeaktomeagain—andIcouldn’tblamehim.I’ddonetheexacttypeofshiteveryoneexpectedmetodosincegradeschool.BroughtsexwithmeeverywhereIwent,intentionalornot.Itdidn’tmatterhowmuchItriedtobesomeoneelse,thismanwhorelabelisweldedontome.
Melindaknewitwithoutanyinformationaboutmypast.Mybusinesspartnerwouldn’tevenbringhisgirlfriendaroundme.It’sjustwhattheysawinme.”
Foxrealizedhewasbreathingfastandtookamomenttoslowdown.
“Idroppedoutafterthat.Didn’tseeapointintryingtoconvincepeopletobelieveI’msomethingI’mnot.I’vebeenworkingontheDellaRayeversince.”
Theystayedverystill,veryquietforseveralmoments.
PanicensuedwhenHannahstartedtoscootcloser,herexpressionsomber
“I’magoodtime.I’measy.I’mfinewiththat.”
“No.”
“Hannah.”
Whenshereachedhissideofthebedtostrokehisface,hepushedtheirforeheadstogether,teasedherlipswithabrushofhisown.Hannahcouldn’tdisguiseherreaction.Orthesoftshudderthatworkedthroughherlimbsandbelly.Slowly,hedraggedhertighttohisbody,lockingtheirmouths
together.Itwasfight-or-flight.Goontheoffensiveorriskfurtherexposure,nomatterthathewasfightingtheexactthinggivinghimcomfort.
Distract.Distract.
“Comeon,babe,”hebreathedagainstherlips,groaningattherapidswellbetweenhislegs,hisfingersgatheringthehemofherdresshigher,higher.“I’llmakeitsogoodforyou.Iwantto.”
“No.”Shewrappedherarmsaroundhisneckandhuggedhim,hersmallerchestheavingagainsthislargerone.“We’reokayjustlikethis.”
Shenudgedhisjawwithhernoseandsettledcloser,asiflettinghimknowshewasn’tafraid.“Justlikethis.”
Evenafterwhathe’djusttoldher?
Wasn’tshepayingattention?
Shecouldresisthimallshewanted,holdhishandandbehisfriend,butnothingwouldchangehim.Hisidentitywassetinstone.Whatdidshewantfromhim?
This,apparently.Justthis.
Wantedwhateverhewas,ablendoffaultsanduglytruths,wantedhimjusttolietherewithher.
Ittookhimsometimetowadethroughthedisbelief,buthefinallymanagedtoslideonearmbeneathHannah,cradlingthebackofherheadinonehand.Carefully,hedrewherintohisneck,hiseyesclosingoverthebalmshespreadinsidehim.Notquitehealinghiswounds,butdefinitelydullingthepainforawhile.
Justforawhile.He’djustholdher…forawhile.
Secondslater,FoxfellasleepinHannah’sarms.
ChapterThirteen
HannahopenedhereyesonMondaymorningandabsorbedthesightofFoxacrossthepillowtheyshared,morninglightbeginningtopeekthroughtheblindsbehindhim,outlininghisbedheadinburnishedgold.Withhismouthslightlyparted,beardgrowthshadowinghisjawandupperlip,hewasstartlinglygorgeous.Seriously?AtsixA.M.,hecouldbeshootinganadvertisingcampaignforEmporioArmani.
Afterlastnight,however…shecouldn’tlookathimwithoutseeingpastthepackagingtotheuncutgembeneath.Smoothandgloriousontheoutside.Butontheinside,hislighthitajaggedpeakandrefractedinathousanddifferentdirections.
Adullachespreaddownthemiddleofherchest,deepeningsoquicklythatshehadtopressapalmtothespot,rubbingtoalleviatethepressure.
Thepainhe’drevealedlastnighthadwalkedacrossthebedandburrowedintoherbreast,refusingtovacate—andshedidn’twantittoleave.Shedidn’twanthimtocarryitalone.He’dclearlybeendoingthatalongtime,lettingthedamagefester.
WhatdiditmeanforHannahtohelphimshouldertheburdenofhispast?Wasshebeingagoodfriend—andafriendonly?OrdidherdeterminationtostandwithFoxcomefromsomewhereelseentirely?
Somewhere…romantic?
Becausethatwouldn’tbeagoodidea.
Thatwouldn’tbeagoodideaatall
Afterlastnight,shewouldneverconsiderhimaplayeragain.Bysellinghimselfshortanddoublingdownonhisirreverentimage,hewasplayinghimselfmorethananything.ButhewasstillFoxThornton,confirmed
bachelorandconnoisseurofwomen.Hedidn’twantarelationship,period.
He’dtoldherthat.
Sonomatterwhatsticky,recklessfeelingsmightbebubblingtothesurface,thesupportivebuddypositionwastheonlyoneavailabletoher,wasn’tit?
Hannah’sthoughtsscatteredliketheheadofadandelionwhenFox’sblueeyesopened,spearingherfromtheothersideofthepillow.Theywerewarm,alittlerelieved.Andthenheblinkedandupwenthisguard.
“Hey,”hesaidslowly,studyingherclosely.“Youslepthereallnight.”
Wordscrammedintoherchest.Phrasesshe’dlearnedfromhertherapistsovertheyears.ThingsshewantedtosaytoFoxthatwouldexplainwhyhefeltsoterribleoverwhathappenedincollege.Suggestionsforadjustinghisoutlook,andassurancesthatnoneofitwashisfault.
Foronce,allthefancysupportivelanguageintheworldfeltinadequate,though.Somehow,overthecourseofthenight,she’denteredthefraywithFoxwithoutmakingaconsciousdecision.Shewasinit,thisbattleforhissoul.Nowthatshewashere,however,itwasbeginningtoseemunlikelythatshecouldremaintoolongwithout…fallingforhim.
God.Shewas.Fallingfast.
“Yeah,”shemurmuredfinally,sittingupandbrushingsomestatic-chargedstrandsofhairoutofherface.“Sorry,Imusthavereallypassedout.”
Hepushedupontoanelbow.“Wasn’tlookingforasorry.It’sfine.”
Hannahnodded.Shelookedoverathimand…ohboy,thereitwas.Anoverwhelmingurgetotouchhim.Topushhimdownontothemattress,climbontop,andtellhiminbetweenkissesthathewaswaymorethanahallpass.Waymorethanhegavehimselfcreditfor.Butthatwentbeyondsupportivefriend.Thoseweretheactionsofasupportivegirlfriend—andshecouldn’tbethatforhim.
“Ihavetobeatworkearly,”Hannahmanaged.
“Right.”Hepushedahandthroughhishair,visiblyataloss.“Huh.”
“What?”
Hisbigshouldershrugged,thelaughternotquitereachinghiseyes.“ItfeelslikeI’msendingyouoffwithnothing.”
Thechasmthathadformeddownthecenterofherheartlastnightwidened,andshebarelymanagedtoswallowasoundofdistress.Andthen
theangerfloodedin.Howdarehisteachersandfull-grownadultssexualizehimatsuchayoungage?Howcouldhisfatherbringwomenoverwhilehiseighteen-year-oldsonwasvisiting?Whowerethosemonstershe’dbefriendedincollege?TheyprobablyworkedfortheIRSnow.Andyes,afairbitofragewasdirectedsquarelyatherself,becauseshe’ddefinitelycalledhimapretty-boysidekickthefirsttimethey’dmet.Peacockafterthat.Shewantedtobangherheadagainstthewallnowforbeinglikeeveryoneelse.
BeforeHannahcouldstopherself,she’dturnedandwalkedonherkneesacrossthebed,wrappingherarmsaroundFox’sneck,hugginghiminamannerthatwasfreakishlytight,butshecouldn’tseemtomakeherselfstop.Especiallywhenhisarmscreptupandsurroundedher,pullingHannahtohischest,hisfacedroppingintotheslopeofherneck.
“Yousangformelastnight,”shesaid.“YoubroughtmeascloseasI’llevergettoHenry.Thatwasn’tnothing.”
“Hannah…”
“Andafterwhatyoutoldmelastnight,Icouldsithereforhoursandrantabouttoxicmasculinityandundervaluingyourself,butI’mnotgoingtodothat.I’mjustgoingtotellyouthat…I’llbebacktonightandthatyou’rereallyimportanttome.”
Hisswallowwasaudible.“WesailforfivenightsonWednesday.Twodaysfromnow.Kindofalongertripthanusual.Ijust…IfyouwerecuriousorwantedtoknowwhenI’dbegone.”
“OfcourseIwanttoknow.”Shepressedherlipstogether.“Thatmeansyou’llcomehomethedaywewraponGloryDaze.”
Theylookedateachotherhard,neitherofthemseemingtoknowwhattodowiththatinformation.Timelines,schedules,leaving,comingback.
Howitrelatedtothemastwopeoplewho’djustsleptinthesamebed.
Soshekissedhiscoarsecheekandgavehimafinalsqueeze,tryingnottonoticethewayhishipsshifted,hismouthbreathinghardagainstherneck.“Justthis,Hannah?”Hislongfingersslidupintoherhairtocradlethebackofherhead,subtlytiltingittotheleftandbrushinghislipsalongherpulse.“Justhuggingforus?”
Withonewordofencouragement,Hannahknewshewouldbeflatonherbackandwouldloveeverysecond.Butmaybe…maybehermissionherewasn’ttobethesupportivefriend,buttoprovetoFoxthathecouldbe
one.Thathispresenceandpersonalitywereenoughwithoutanyofthephysicaltrappings.“Justlikethis.”
WassheaskingalotofFoxtotryseeinghimselfinanewlight?Wasn’tsheintheprocessofdoingthatherself—andnotfindingitveryeasy?
Maybeifshewantedthismantobelievehecouldcaptainashipandrelyonhiswitandhumorandspiritalone,thenshehadtobelieveinherselffirst.
Shecouldn’taskhimtoreachforahighersummitifshewasn’twillingtoreachherself.
Theopeningnotesof“ISayaLittlePrayer”byArethaFranklintumbledthroughHannah’shead,andhereyesflewopen,agratefulsmilecurvingherlips.Hallelujah.Thesongswereback.Sure,thelyricswerealittlealarming,consideringshewaslyinginFox’sbed,butmaybethewholesongdidn’thavetopertaintotheirrelationship.Justsomeofit?Justtheprayerparts,maybe?
Hannahswallowed.Whyhadthesongsreturnednow?HadlisteningtoFoxsingHenry’sshantieslastnightshakenthemloose?Thebeckoningofanewdirectionforhercareer?Ordidthereturnofhermusic-mindedthinkingmeansomethingelse?
Reluctanttoexaminethepossibilitiestooclosely,HannahallowedherselfalonginhaleofFox’sscent,thenunwoundherarmsfromhisneck,refusingtoacknowledgethelowpulsebetweenherlegsortheflappinginherchest.Nottoday.Probablynotever.
Sheclimbedoffthebed,herbackwarmedbyhisattention,lefttheroom,andwentintothebathroom.Onceshe’dshowered,dressed,andblownoutherhair,shestoppedinthelivingroom,hesitatingamomentbeforepickingupthefolderfulloforiginalseashantiesandholdingthemtoherchest.WithFoxnowhereinsight,shelefttheapartment,returningonceforanumbrelladuetothecloudsmovinginoverhead.Butinsteadofheadingdowntotoday’sshootingsite,sheletthehookinhergutpullhertowardtherecordstore,instead.
***
HannahsighedwhenDiscNDatcameintoview,nondescriptandlackinginanysignage,theblueChristmaslightsadorningthewindowtheonlyindicationthatitwasopenforbusiness.
Lastsummer,she’dtakenapart-timejobattherecordstore.MainlytoaddenoughmoneytotheirbudgetthatPiperwouldn’thavetocookanymoreandpotentiallyburnthebuildingdown.Butshe’dalsoneededawaytooccupyherselfsoPiperwouldn’tfeelterribleaboutspendingmoretimewithBrendan.ThrowinthefactthatHannahlivedforrecords,andithadbeentheperfectshort-termgig.
AsenseoffamiliaritysettledoverHannahwhenherhandcurledaroundthebronzehandleandpulled,thesmellofincenseandcoffeewaftingoutandbeckoningherintothemustyhaven.Shewasrelieved,especiallytoday,toseethatnothinghadchanged.DiscNDatwasstillreliablydatedandwelcoming,thesamepostersthathadbeenthereoverthesummerstillpinnedtothewall,rowafterrowofChristmaslightstwinklingontheceiling,LanaDelReyraspingquietlyfromtherecessedspeaker.
Theowner,Shauna,walkedoutfromthetinybackroom,faceburiedinacoffeemug,appearingalmoststartledtohaveacustomer.“Hannah!”Shebrightened,settinghercupdownonaconsoletablethatdisplayedherbeadedjewelryanddreamcatchers.“Iwaswonderingwhenyou’dfinallystopby.”
“Sorryittookmesolong.”Theyembracedinthecenteroftheaisle—
thekindofhugonegivesthepersonwhotalkedthemthroughtheirfirsttyphoon.“Ireallydon’thaveanyexcuse.”Hannahturnedinacircle,absorbinghersurroundings.“IthinkIwasworriedifIcamebackinhere,Iwouldquitmyjobonthespotandbegtogetthisoneback.”
“Well,I’llsaveyouthetrouble.We’renothiring,seeingashowwe’veonlyhadtwocustomerssincethelasttimeyouwerehere.”
Hannahblewoutalaugh.“Ihopetheywerequality,atleast?”
“Thosewhomanagetofindususuallyare,”Shaunasaid,grinning.“Sowhat’snewwithyou?”
Oh,notmuch.JustintheprocessofrealizingIhavefeelingsforamanwhoisthedefinitionofunavailable
“Mmmm.Work,mostly.”ShewalkedherfingersalongtheplasticrecordsleevesoftheBsection.B.B.King,theBeatles,BenFolds,BlackSabbath.
ButherheadcameupwhenLana’svoicefadedoutandaseriesofnotesopenedthenextsong—werethosefiddles?Followedbytheominouspoundofadrum.Thencamethevoice.ThegravellyfemalecalltoattentionthatmadethehaironHannah’sarmsstandup.
“Whoisthis?”
Shaunapointedtothespeakerquestioningly,andHannahnodded.“ThisistheUnreliables.Mycousin’sgirlfriendistheleadsinger.”
“They’relocal?”
“Seattle.”
NowthismusicwouldbeperfectforGloryDaze.Replacingtheindustrialsoundwiththedramaticpoundofthedrum,therushofemotioninthesinger’svoice,thefolkelementofthefiddles.Itwouldbringthesmall-townstorytolife.Givethefilmmorethanjusttexture—thissoundwouldgiveitcharacter.
OnlywhenShaunacameupbesideHannahdidsherealizeshe’dbeenstaringintospace.“What’sinthefolder?”
“Huh?”Inconfusion,shelookeddowntofindHenry’scollectionofshantiesbeneathherarm.She’dbroughtthemalongtoshowBrinley,onemusiclovertoanother,hopingitmightbeawaytobondwiththemusiccoordinator.“Oh.Theseare,um…seashanties.Originalonesthatwerewrittenbymyfatherwhenhewasstillalive.Mostofthemarejustwordsonthepage.I’dhavetogodiggingwiththelocalstolearnthetunes,butI’mguessingitwouldsoundsomethinglikethis.”Shepointedattheceiling.“LiketheUnreliables…”
Hannahmurmuredthatlastpart,becausealightbulbhadstartedflashinginherbrain.Shelookeddownatthefolder,flippingitopenandleafingthroughpageafterpageoflyricswithnomusic.Butwhatif…musiccouldbeadded?Thelyricsweredeepandheartfeltandpoetic.Compelling.
They’dmadeHenryfeelrealtoHannah.Whatifshecouldtakeitonestepfurtherandbringhismusictolife?
Wasthatacrazyidea?
“Weirdquestionforyou,”shesaidtoShauna.“HowwelldoyouknowtheUnreliables?Wouldtheybewillingto”—whatdidsheevencallthis?
—“collaborate?Ihavethesesongsfrommyfather,andI’dlovetoaddmusicliketheirs,addavoice—andtheywouldbeperfect.Ionlyhavethewords,obviously,sothey’dhavealotofcreativeinput…”
Ohboy.
Nowthatonelightbulbhadgoneoff,herwholeheadlookedlikeHollywoodBoulevardatnight.She’dgonedayswithoutinspiration,andnowitwaspouringin,allbecauseofthefadedbluefolderinherhands.
GloryDazetookplaceinWestport.
WestportwasHenryCross.
Howmanytimeshadshebeentoldthat?
Currently,themusicsoundtrackwasmadeupofsongsthatalreadyexistedandthatneverfeltrighttoHannah.Musicforanothertimeandplacethatdulledthemagicofthislocation.ItdulledtheimpactofWestportasthebackdrop.Butwhatifthescorewasmadeupofsongswrittenbythemanwhodefinedthisplace?
“Youwanttorecordthem?Intriguing,”Shaunasaid,pursingherlips
“Soyou’dwantthemtoaddtheirownspintotheshanties.Laydownsometracks…”
“Yes.Imean,ifthey’reinSeattle,Icouldmeetwiththemmyself
Compensatethem.”Iftherewaseveratimetogiveinandusethefamilymoneyavailabletoher,thiswasit.Andwow.Allofthisfeltlikeleading-ladymoves.Buttheyfeltgood,soshetookthemonestepfurther.“I’dliketohavesomeinputaswell.”
Shaunanodded,seemingkindofimpressed.“Letmereachouttomycousintoseeifthey’reavailable.Butdon’tcountonthem.Itcouldbeadeadend.They’renotcalledtheUnreliablesfornothing.”
“Right,”Hannahsaidwryly,closingthefolderandrunningherhandoverthefrontcover,gettingmoreandmorecaughtupintheidea,somethingtellingherthiswasit.Thiswasbig.She’donlyhadtheideaaminuteagoandalreadyachedtogetstarted.Todiveintotheprocessshe’dalwayswatchedfromthewings.Shecouldbeapartofit.Withherfather.
“Thanks.”
Shaunashuffledacrosstheancientfloorandploppedherselfdownonastoolbehindthecounter.“Wherehaveyoubeenstayingwhileyou’reintown?WithBrendanandPiper?”
“Notthistime.Brendan’sparentsareintown,so”—sheswallowed,thinkingabouthertemporaryroommate’sfacerelaxedinsleep—“I’mstayingwithFoxupontheharbor.”
Shaunaslappedherthigh.“Oh!Wait,ItakebackwhatIsaidaboutonlyhavingtwocustomers.Foxhasbeeninhereabunch,too,lately.”
Hannahdidadoubletake.“Hashe?”
“Uh-huh.”Shaunagotdistractedbyasmudgeonthefrontcounter,scratchingatitwithherthumbnail.“Surprisedme,too,thefirsttimehe
walkedin.Youknow,hewasasenioratthehighschoolwhenIwasafreshman.TheFoxThornton.”Sheshookherhead.“Youdon’tjustexpectthatfacetobreezeinoffthestreet.Tookmeafewminutestostopbabbling.
Buthehasprettygoodtaste.LastthingheboughtwasThinLizzy.Live.”
ConfusionsettledoverHannah.“Buthedoesn’tevenownarecordplayer.”Shetookamentaltallyofthesparseapartment.“Unlessit’sinvisible.”
“Weird,”Shaunacommented.
“Yeah…”Deepinthought,Hannahbackedtowardtheexit,needingtomakeonemorestopbeforeheadingtoset.She’dhavetodeconstructtheriddleofFox’srecord-buyinghabitslater.“Weird.Seeyousoon?”
“Ibetter.”
ChapterFourteen
Hannahshiftedinhersneakers,curlinganduncurlingthebluefolderinherhands,waitingforBrinleytofinishtalkingonhercell.
Therewasagoodpossibilitythiswasn’tgoingtogowell.ButthemoreHannahturnedovertheideaofrecordingHenry’sshanties,themoreitfeltright.Inevitable.Attheveryleast,sheneededtovoicetheconcept.Totry.
ForHenry.Forherself.AndmaybesheneededtotryforFox,too.Notbecauseheexpectedorrequiredhertomakeleading-ladymoves,butbecauseshecouldn’tencouragehimtoreachbeyondhiscapabilitiesifshewasn’twillingtodothesame.
SpeakingofFox,shehadaseriousitchtohearhisvoice.Rightnow,whilehernervesweretryingtogetthebetterofher.Normallyhergo-topersonwouldbePiperifsheneededaverbalchillpill,butshefoundherselfpullinguphermiles-longtextthreadwithFox,instead,herstomachcalmingsimplyfromseeinghisnameonthescreen.KeepingBrinleyinhersights,shepunchedoutamessage.
HANNAH(1:45PM):Heythere.
FOX(1:46PM):HeyFreckles.What’sup?
H(1:46PM):Notmuch.Justsayinghey.
F(1:47PM):Ifyoumissmesomuch,tellthemursickandcomehome.I’lltakeyoushoeshoppingwithme.
H(1:48PM):Playhookywithafisherman?Soundsdangerous.
F(1:48PM):Youwon’tfeelathing.
H(1:49PM):Lies.Backup.Shoeshopping?DidIaccidentallytextmysister?
F(1:50PM):IneedsomenewXTRATUFs.Rubberbootsfortheboat.Attheriskofdiminishingmyinsanesexappeal,minearestartingtoreek.
H(1:52PM):Sexappealmaintained.Unbelievable.
F(1:54PM):It’sacurse.
F(1:55PM):Icanseeyoufromthewindow.Turn.
Hannah’supperhalftwistedtofindFoxlookingbackatherfromhisupstairsapartment,andaninvoluntarysmilespreadacrossherface.Shewaved.Hewavedback.AndapowerfulyearningtospendthedaywithFoxcaughthersooffguard,herarmdropped,aking-sizedknotforminginherthroat.
H(1:58PM):IsitweirdIwanttosniffyourbootstojudgeexactlyhowbadtheyare?
F(1:59PM):It’syourfuneral.
F(2:00PM):You’reoneofakind,Hannah.
H(2:01PM):Sotheysay.Seeyoulater.Thanks.
F(2:02PM):Forwhat?Hannahstartedtorespond,butupaheadBrinleyendedherphonecall.
Noguts,noglory.Andhergutsdidn’tfeelquiteasliquifiedaftertextingwithFox.Ithelpedtoseehimthereinthewindow,areassuringpresence,therewhensheneededhim.
Puttingsomestarchinherspine,Hannahpickedherwaythroughthesetintheotherwoman’sdirection,doingherbestnottolookqueasy.Whenshereachedthemusiccoordinator,thewomantookafullminutetolookupfromthenoteshewaswritingonalegalpad.“Yes?”
“Hi,Brinley.”Hannahrolledherlipsinward,turningthefolderoverinherhands.“SoIbroughtsomethingIthoughtyoumightbeinterestedin—”
“Isthisgoingtobequick?Ihavetomakeacall.”
“Yes.”Hannahresistedtheimpulsetoblowoffthewholething,tellBrinleyitwasnothingandwalkaway.“Actually,Idon’tknowifthiswillbequick?ButIdefinitelythinkit’sworthcarvingoutafewminutes.”
Hannahexhaledandflippedopenthefolder.“Theseareoriginalsea
shanties.Writtenbymyfather,actually.Andthey’regood.Reallygood.AlotofthemareaboutWestportandfamilyandlove.Loss.Theycapturethethemesofthemovie,andafterspeakingtomygrandmotherthismorning,wehavepermissiontousethem.Ithink…well,IwashopingyouwouldconsiderapproachingSergeiaboutusingtheseoriginalsongs?Iknowitwouldbesomeextralegworkgettingthemprofessionallyrecorded,but—”
“Exactly.Howmuchareyouplanningtopileontopofthisbudget,Hannah?”Brinley’slaughwasexasperated.“YourlastsuggestiondraggedustotheCapitalofFish.Andnowyouwanttorecordanoriginalsoundtrack?MaybeyouwanttoholdthepremierinAbuDhabi—”
“I’dliketoseethesongs,please,”Sergeisaidbriskly,steppingoutfrombehindthetrailertoHannah’sright,almoststartlingherintodroppingthefolder.HisgazewashardonBrinley,who’dgoneaghostlyshadeofwhite,buthisdemeanorsoftenedwhenhereachedouttotakethefolderfromHannah.“MayI?”
ThiskindofupstagingscenariowasthelastplaceHannahwantedtoendup.Brinleywasgoodatherjob,andsherespectedthewoman.She’dbeenpreparedtohandoverthesongsandletBrinleyclaimtheoriginalscoreasheridea.
Thatwasn’tgoingtohappennow.
HannahtriedtocommunicateasilentapologytoBrinley,butthecoordinator’sattentionwasfocusedonSergeiashereadthroughthefirstcoupleofshanties.“It’shardtogetanythingfromjustthewords,”hesaid,soundingdisappointed.“Thereisnowaytohearthemsettomusic?”
Brinleyshottriumphantdaggersather.
“Well…”Hannahstarted,onceagainexperiencingtheurgetotakebackthefolder,laugh,apologizeforthebadidea.Instead,shetookadeepbreathandkickeddownthedoorofhercomfortzone.“I’mintheprocessofdoingthat.I’vealreadyarrangedtohavethemrecorded.It’sjustamatterofwhetherStormBornwantsthemforthisprojectornot.”
That’sright.Hannahlied.Justalittle.
Shewasplanningonfindingawaytorecordtheshanties,wasn’tshe?
Sure,thatballhadbeensetinmotiononlyamatterofhoursago.TherewasalsoastrongchancetheUnreliableswouldn’tbeinterested,ortheywouldbeunavailablewhenShaunagotintouch.Ifso,eventuallyshe’dfind
somebodyelse.Butbottomline,shewasmakingitsoundasthoughhavingtheendproductwasimminent—anditwasn’t.
Sergeihadaseverelyshortattentionspan,though.Andshehadhimsemi-hookedonthisideashebelievedinwithherheart,hersoul,hergut.Ifshedidn’tfeedthedirectorsomethingreal,somethingsubstantial,rightnow,itwouldblowoutofhisconsciousnesslikewhitefuzziesfromadandelion.
Andthiswasentertainment,baby.Fakeittillyoumakeit.
Sergeieyeballedher,rightonthevergeofinterest.Onemorepush.
How?
“Ican…youknow,”shemumbledintoherchest.“Icansingoneofthem—”
“Yes,let’sdothat,”Brinleysaid,beaming,restingherchinonherwrist.
“Hey!”Sheleanedsidewaysandcalledtoagroupofcrewmembers.
“Hannahisgoingtosingusaseashanty.”
Thewayeveryoneswarmed,shemightaswellhavebeenHaileyBieberwalkingoutofLAX,suddenlythefocusofrabidpaparazzi.“Uhh.”Sheclearedherthroat,reachingouttotakethefolderbackfromSergei.Thissonghadreducedhertotearslastnight.Wasshereallygoingtosingitinfrontofallhercoworkers?Notonlywassheworriedabouthavingthesameresponseinpublic,butherloveformusicdidn’texactlyextendtosterlingvocalabilities.“So…thisiscalled‘ASeafarer’sBounty.’”
Foronceontheboisterousset,apincouldhavebeenhearddropping.
EvenChristianlookedinterestedintheproceedings.
Thefirstlineofthesongcameoutflat,kindofhushed.AndthenshehappenedtolifthereyesandseetheDellaRaybobbinginthewaterjustaheadintheharbor.Somethingmovedinsideher.Somethingdeepandunknown,alittlescary.Abridgetothepast,tosomeothertime.Herfatherhadmadehislivelihoodonthatexactboat.He’dmethisdeathonit.Andshewassingingoneofhissongs,somaybeshe’djustbetterdoitjustice.
She’dbeenhandedallhiswordsandthoughts.She’dnevermeethim,butinthissmallway,wasn’tshebringinghimbacktolife?
Hannahdidn’trealizehowmuchhervoicehadrisenuntilthesongwasnearlyoverandstillnoonespokeormoved.Innowaydidshefoolherselfintothinkinghertalentkeptthemasstillasstatues.God,no.Theirinaction
wasprobablyduetothefactthatshe’dputmoreeffortintothesongthanshe’dputintoanythingbefore,exceptmaybecreatingtheperfectplaylist.
Hervoicetraveledacrosstheharbor,thewindseemingtocarryitouttothewater.Whenthesongwasover,Sergeistartedclappingandeveryonejoinedin.Itwassounexpected,thecrackofsoundfiringherbackintothepresent,thatsherecoiledandalmostfellonherass,earningheraneyerollfromChristian.Butshedidn’thaveachancetothankeveryoneorhearSergei’sopinionaboutHenry’ssongbeforeBrinleytosseddownherlegalpad.“Look,Ihavebeenworkingonsynchronizationrightstooursongsforweeks.Oursound-mixingteamhasalreadyapprovedthesequenceandoutline.Ihopeyou’renottakingthisseriously,Sergei,becauseitwouldmeanstartingfromscratch,andwe’realreadyoverbudgetandbehindschedule.It’saterribleidea.Fromakid.”
AchorusofooohswentupbehindHannah.
Hannah’sfaceflamed.Withembarrassment,yes,butmostlyindignation.
Therewasnothingterribleaboutthisidea.AboutHenry’ssongs.AnditwasthatangerthatdroveHannahtodoubledown.WhybeniceandtrytokeepthingssmoothsailingwithBrinley?Obviouslythatwasn’tgoingtohappen,sosheneededtofightforwhatwasimportant.Whatshecouldcontrol.
Hopefully.
HannahdidallthepaperworkforStormBorn.Sheknewthenumbers,hadbeenreadingthroughBrinley’scuesheetsandsynccontractsforyears.
Sheusedthatknowledgetoheradvantagenow.
“No.Actually,usingtheshantieswouldputusbackunderbudget.Andtherightswouldbeexclusive.”
Sergeilikedtheword“exclusive.”Alot.Helookedbackdownatthefolder,thatcreativeveinwormingaroundinhistemple.
“Wecouldprovideaflatfeeoftwentythousandtotheartistsfortherecordingsession.Currently,we’respendingmorethanthatontherightstoonesong.I’mnottakingabrokerfee,butmygrandmotherwilltakefifteenpercentoffthetopofanyprofitfromthesoundtrackoverthenexttenyears.
We’dbesavingtheproducersmoneythiswayandpossiblyputtinganindiebandonthecharts.”Fromthecornerofhermouth,shewhispered,
“Exclusive,”forgoodmeasure.
“Butthetimeitwouldtake—”Brinleyargued.
“Attheveryleast,Iwouldliketohearademo.Thesesongsgivethefilmhistoricalvalue,theyenrichthebackstory.”Sergeiexecutedadramaticwalkthroughthesilentcrew,fanningahandoutoverthewater.“I’mpicturingafast-motionsunrisewhilethehauntedvoiceofasailorcallsfrombeyondthehorizon.Weopenwithpurpose.Withgravity.Theaudienceispulledintothetimeandplacewiththevoicesofthepeoplewholivehere.Themenwhotrodthesewaters.”
Onecouldn’ttechnicallytreadonwater,unlessonewasJesus,butHannahdidn’tthinknowwasagoodtimetopointitout.Sergeiwasinfullinspirationmode;everyoneheldtheirbreath,andBrinleylookedabouttwosecondsfromstabbingHannahwithaBic.
Sergeiturnedonaheelandfacedthegroup.“Brinley,let’scontinueinthedirectionwe’vebeenheading.ButI’dliketopursueHannah’sangle,aswell.Wearealreadybehindscheduleandoverbudget.Brinleyisrightaboutthat.”Hestrokedhischinthoughtfully,amovethatusedtomakeHannahswoonbutthatshenowobservedobjectively.Pleasedon’tbebecauseofacertainemotionallycomplicatedreliefskipper.“Hannah,ifyoucanreallyhavethesesongsrecordedandmakethemdigitalonasmallerbudget,I’mgoingtotakethechangeofdirectionunderadvisement.”
“Letmemakeitsimpleforyou,”Brinleysaidsweetly.“Ifyoudothat,Iquit.”
Ahissofcollectivebreathwentupinthecrowd,andsomeofitcamefromHannah.Thiswasdefinitelynothowshe’denvisionedthisgoingdownwhenshewokeupthismorning.InsteadofbondingwithBrinleyoverthediscoveredshanties,she’dnowbeenpittedagainstawomanwhoseworksheactuallyadmired.
Sergeiletthethreathangintheairforafewbeats.“Well.”Hebrushedahandoverhisdarkhair,unbothered,possiblyevenappreciativeofthedrama.“Let’shopeyoudon’thavetoputyourmoneywhereyourmouthis.”Hestrodethroughthepartedseaofgapingcrewmembers.“Hannah,couldIspeaktoyouprivately?”
OhLord.
Washetryingtogetherkilled?
Hannahthoughtofaskingiftheycouldspeaklater,likewhenshewasn’tunderintense—inonecase,homicidal—scrutiny,butdidn’twanttoseem
ungratefulfortheopportunityhe’djustgivenher.Although,theword
“opportunity”mightbepushingit.HewantedhertorecordHenry’ssongs.
Topossiblyenduponthefilmscore.God,shedidn’tevenhavecontactwiththeUnreliablesyet.Forallsheknew,they’dbrokenup.Fakingituntilshemadeithadseemedlikeagreatideainthemoment.Butthemakingitpartwasgoingtobeachallenge.
Wassheabletodoit?
Hannahincreasedherpacetocatchupwiththedirector.“Hi,”shesaid,drawingevenwithhimonhisbriskwalkalongthewater.“Whatdidyouwanttospeaktomeabout?”
“You’vebeenveryassertivelately,”hesaid,slowingtoastop,tuggingonthesleevesofhisturtleneck.“Iconfess,Iwasgoingtobeselfishandkeepyouasaproductionassistantforever,butI’ve…hadmyeyesopenedrecently.I’vebeenpayingcloserattention,andIcanseeyou’retakingonresponsibilitiesfarbeyondyourpaygrade.”
Shescratchedthebackofherear.“Ican’targuewithyouthere.”
Helaughed,hiseyescrinklingatthecorners.
Comeon,hormones.Lastchancetogetexcited
Theyremainedobstinatelydormant.
“I’mcurioustoseeifyoucandeliverontheseadditionstothescore.Iwasn’tlyingwhenIsaidtheycouldbringalotofcharactertothepiece.
That…finalaspectthathasbeenmissing.”
Itwasgratifyingandkindofarelieftoknowshewasn’ttheonlyonewhonoticedthelackofmagic.“Thanks.Iwon’tletyoudown.”
Sergeinodded,pulledonhissleevesagain.“Separatefromthat.
Completelyseparate…Look,Idon’twantyoutothinkI’mgivingyouthischancebecauseI…likeyou.Orexpectsomethingfromyou…”
Hannahalmostaskedhimtorepeathimself.Didhejustsayhelikedher?
Itdidn’tsoundasthoughhe’dmeantthatinaplatonicway,either.Infact,hecouldn’tseemtomakeeyecontactwithher.Wasthisforreal?Shedugfranticallyforexcitement,fortheformerversionofherselfthatpinedforthemoodydirectorallhoursofthedayandnight,but…ifshewasbeinghonest,shecouldn’trememberthelasttimeshe’ddoodledhisnameonanapkinorstalkedhisInstagram.“Yes?”shepromptedhimslowly.
“It’sprobablynotaveryprofessionalquestion,butIfindmyself”—heblewoutapuffofbreath—“extremelycurioustoknowifyourrelationship
withthefishermanisserious.Areyoutwodoingthelong-distancethingor…willyoubeavailabletoseeotherpeoplewhenwe’rebackinLAandnotso…distracted?”
WasherrelationshipwithFoxserious?
Thatwasareallygoodquestion.Hannahguessedneitherofthemwouldknowwhichanswertogive.Yesorno.Andyetallsignspointedtoyes.
They’dkeptuparitualoftextingeachothereverynightforsevenmonths.
Theykneweachother’sdeepestinsecurities.They’dsleptineachother’sarms,andhey,theytalkedfreelyaboutmasturbation.Sotherewasthat.
WhenshethoughtaboutSergei,herbrainmademuffledbeep-boopsounds.Shelikedhisdriveandhiscreativityandvision.Histurtlenecksflatteredhisslimphysique.Theywouldhavemutualinterestsiftheyeverreallyengagedinapersonaldiscussion.Fine.Itwouldbejust…fine.
ButwhenshethoughtaboutFox,herstomachturnedintoabouncyball.
Somanyemotionsrollingaroundatonce—longing,protectiveness,confusion,lust—andontopofthosehumdingers,shewasinfinitelymoreexcitedtoseehimathometonightthangoonadatewithSergeiuponreturningtoLA.
Itwasentirelypossibleherinterestinthedirectorhadstartedfadingaroundsevenmonthsago,whenacertainFleetwoodMacalbumshoweduponthedoorstep,andnowitwascompletelynullandvoid.
Still,asfarasananswertothequestion,washerrelationshipwithFoxserious?Shedidn’tknow.
Butshefoundherselftakingadeepbreathandsaying,“Yes,it’sserious.”
Andsomehow,sayingitoutloudfeltentirelyright.
***
Laterthatafternoon,HannahwalkedslowlytoFox’sapartment.
She’drushedbacktoDiscNDatafterfilmingtoimpressuponShaunatheurgencyofgettingintouchwiththeUnreliablesandstoodtherewhileherfriendplacedthecall.SheleftcopiesoftheshantiesforShaunatopasson,alongwiththeexciting(andhopefullyenticing)newsthatStormBornwouldbeabletopaytheband.
Itwouldbeprettycrushingiftheydidn’tcomethrough,sincetheyhadtheperfectsound,butworst-casescenario,she’dstarthuntingdownotheroptionsbrightandearlytomorrowmorning.
Towardtheendoffilming,thecloudsoverheadhaddarkened,settlingagloomymoodoverWestport.RainstormsalwaysmadeHannahwanttogocrawlintobedwithherheadphones,butafterturningdownSergei—bytellinghimshewasseriousaboutFox—sheneededaminutebeforecomingface-to-facewiththefisherman.Wouldheknowjustbylookingatherthatshe’dvoicedsuchanimpossibilityoutloud?
Butmaybeitwasn’tcompletelyimpossible.
Shecouldn’tstopreplayingwhatShaunatoldher.Shesupposeditwasn’tcrazyunusualthatFoxwouldstopintoDiscNDat.Itwasasmalltown.He’dbeentheonetointroduceHannahtotheshopinthefirstplace.
Thefactthathe’dbeenbuyingrecords,though…
Tothecasualobserver,Fox’spurchaseswouldn’tbeabigdeal.OnlyheknewwhattheywouldmeantoHannah.Itmadenosensetokeepitfromher,unlesstherewassomeimportantreason.Onsetthisafternoon,she’dscrolledbackthroughtheirtextmessagesandfoundtheonethathadtickledhermemory,madeherpulseclickinherears.
F(6:40PM):Apartfrombeingdarkanddramatic…
whatmakesamanyourtype?WhatiseventuallygoingtomakeamanTheOne?
H(6:43PM):Ithink…iftheycanfindareasontolaughwithmeontheworstday.
F(6:44PM):Thatsoundsliketheoppositeofyourtype.
H(6:45PM):Itdoes,doesn’tit?Mustbethewine.
H(6:48PM):He’llneedtohaveacabinetfullofrecordsandsomethingtoplaythemon,ofcourse.
F(6:51PM):Wellobviously.
Recordcollectingwasn’taninteresthe’denjoyedbeforetheymetlastsummer.Himbuyingalbumsnowwaspertinentinformation.Wherewashekeepingthem?Andifhewashidingthemfromher…whatelsewashehiding?
Eitherhedidn’twantHannahreadingtoomuchintohisnewcollectionortherewasalottoreadintoitandheneededmoretimebeforeadmittingthat.
Unless,ofcourse,shewascompletelynutsandhewasjustadudewho’dforgottenaboutbuyingafewalbums.Butforamanwhoneverpurchasedanythingforhisapartment,wouldn’ttheyhavestoodout?Beenremarkedonbynow?
Lubehadbeenamaintopicofinterest,butnotastackofvinyls?
Let’ssay,hypothetically,he’dstartedcollectingrecordsbecausehehadalow-keyinterestinbeingHannah’stype.Nevermindthatherkneestrembledoverthatpossibility.Howfardidhisinterestgo?Shedidn’tknow.
Butthesameintuitionthathadledtocallingtheirrelationship“serious”
wasbuzzingnow.Tellinghertowait,tobepatient,tostaythecoursewithFox
Thatifhewashidingrecords,hewashidingadesiretobe…more.
Despitehisassurancesoftheopposite.
Deepinthought,Hannahcarefullywedgedthenewalbumsshehadn’tbeenabletoresistunderonearmandletherselfintotheapartment.Whenshewalkedinside,shewasimmediatelygreetedbythespicyscentofaftershave—andwhenFoxwalkedoutofhisbedroomindarkjeansandaslate-coloredbutton-down,sheknew.
Hewasgoingonadate.
Hannah’sstomachplummetedtothefloor.
ChapterFifteen
Foxwasgoingtoseehismother.
HealwaysfoundoutonshortnoticewhenshewasworkinginthevicinityofWestport.IfFoxwasn’tonthewater,healwaysjumped,becauseheneverknewwhenshe’dbebackagain.He’ddefinitelybeenalittledisappointedwhenCharlenecalledtosayshe’dbeinHoquiamforthenight,becausegoingtoseehismothermeanthewouldn’tbehomewithHannah.
Hannah,whohadsleptinhisbedlastnight,hertightlittlebuttinhislapforagoodtwohourssomewhereinthemiddleofitall.She’dbarelywalkedouthisfrontdoorthismorningbeforeherolledontohisback,grippedhiscock,andcameaftersixstrokes.Six.Itusuallytookhimagoodfiveminutes,atleast.He’dthoughtofHannahduringeveryoneofthosesixstrokes.Samewayhehadeverytimesincelastsummer.Onlynow,shewasn’tjustthegirlhecouldn’tstopthinkingabout.Shewasthegirlwhoflat-outrefusedtofuckhim.
Andgoddammit.Nowshewalkedintotheapartment,clothesdampandclingyfromtherain,andtherehewent,thinkingaboutbeinginsideheragain.Picturingherbowedback,hermouthopenonacryofhisname,theslapoffleshonflesh.Stopit,youbastard
Untilrecently,Foxhadneverfantasizedaboutanyonespecificwhilebeatingoff.
Abodywasjustabody.
ButinhisfantasieswithHannah,theirmindswereinsyncaswellastheirphysicalselves.Theylaughedasoftenastheymoaned.Eventhinkingoftheirfingersgrippedtogether,thetrustinhereyes,addedtotheinsane
pleasure.ImagininghimselfinsideHannahfeltgreat.Betterthangreat.Hisorgasmsweremoresatisfyingbyleapsandbounds.
Andthatscaredtheholyshitoutofhim.
FoxwasdistractedfromhistroublingthoughtswhenHannahstoppedshortjustinsidethedoor,framedinthelazyrainstorm,herfacegoingfromthoughtfultodismayed.Sad,even?“Oh,”shesaid,givinghimaonce-over.
“Oh.”
Hetriedvaliantlytoignorethepoundinginhischest.Jesus,itgotlouderandhardertomanageeverytimetheywereinthesameroom.Forthelongesttime,he’dthoughtiftheyjustslepttogether,itwouldgoaway.Thistwisting,hot,melting,spearingsensationsheinspiredinhimwithablinkofhereyes.He’dfeelshittyafterwardforjeopardizingtheirfriendship,butatleastitwouldbeoverandhecouldstopobsessingabouthersomuch.Nowhewasbeginningtoseriouslydoubtanythingwouldwork.
“Hellotoyou,too,”hesaid,voicesoundingstrained.
“Sorry,Ijustdidn’texpect—I…”Shedroppedthebagshewasholdingunderneathherarm,jolted,thenstoopeddowntopickitup.
“You’regoingonone.”
Foxfrowned.“Goingononewhat?”
“Goingout.”Shestoodslowly,holdingthebagtoherchest,eyesbigandtrainedonhim.“Goingoutonadate.”
Understandingdawned.
Andthenhesawherdemeanorforwhatitwas.Thisassumptionthathewasgoingonadatehadthrownherbig-time.Honestly,partofhimwantedtoshakeherandsay,NowyouknowhowIfeelsendingyouofftoyourdirectoreverymorning.Butwhatwouldthatargumentmakethem?Acouple?
Theyweren’t.Shelivedinadifferentstateandwasactivelypiningforsomeoneelse.Allhehadtoofferwasanotched-upbedpostandthemockerythatcamealongwithit.Potentiallyforbothofthem.Arelationshipbetweenthemwasn’thappening,despiteherobviousdisappointmentthathecouldbegoingonadate.Andsoforasplitsecond,FoxconsideredlettingHannahbelievehewasgoingtomeetsomeoneelse.
Maybeitwouldputanendtowhateverwashappeningbetweenthem.Theyshouldn’tbesleepinginthesamebed,shouldn’tbetellingeachotherdeep,darksecrets.Lookwhereitled.Jealousy.Longingthatmadehimwantto
carryherbackintohisbedroom,wraphimselfinhergoodness,andfeelnormalagain.Shewastheonlypersonwhomadehimnormal.Madehim…okay.
Intheend,Foxcouldn’tforcehimselftodoit.Hecouldn’tletherthinkforasecondthathe’dratherspendhistimewithanyoneelse.Itwouldhavehauntedhim.“Mymotherisintown,”hesaid,reliefcoatinghisstomachwhenhesawhers.“Well,she’sinHoquiam—tonightonly.Aboutfortyminutesfromhere.That’swhereI’mgoing.Toseeher.”
Hershouldersrelaxed.Ittookheramomenttorespond.“Whytonightonly?”
Fox’slipsedgedupintoahalfsmile.“She’satravelingbingocaller.
Goesupanddownthecoastrunningbingonightsatvariouschurchesandresthomes.”
“Oh…wow.Ididnotexpectyoutosaythat.”Amusementdancedbehindherfeatures.“Areyougoingtoplaybingo?”
“SometimesIdo.ButmostlyIhelpwithcrowdcontrol.”
“Youhavetokeepcontrolofthebingocrowd?”
“Freckles,youhavenoidea.”
Glancingdownatthebaginherhand,hersmileturnedintoacuriousone,alineappearingbetweenherbrows.“Fox”—sheseemedtoscrutinizehim—“doyouhavearecordplayer?”
Toolate,herecognizedthebrownpaperbagstampedwiththepurplelogoforDiscNDatandhisgutseized.Ofcourseshe’dgonethere.Whywouldn’tshevisitatleastonce?Ithadbeenshortsightedofhimtobuyhisrecordstherewhenshecouldsoeasilyfindouthe’dbeentotheshop.“DoIhavearecordplayer?”
Hannahraisedaneyebrow.“That’swhatIjustaskedyou.”
“Iheard.”
Herchestroseandfell.“Youdohaveone.”
“Ididn’tsaythat.”
“Youdon’thaveto.”
“Hannah.”
Butshewasalreadystridingforward,onamission,makingpanicsinklikeananchorinhisbelly.Hidingtherecordplayerandalbumsfromherhadbeenselfish.He’dfeltselfishsomanytimes.Buthe’dboughtthe
fuckingthingforreasonshedidn’tknowhowtoexpressoutloud.Agut-bornneedtobewhatshewanted.
AndHannah…shewouldmakehimadmittoit.
OnherwaypastFox,shesetherpaperbagdownonthekitchentableandcircledtheroom,hergazefinallylandingonhislockedcabinet.“Issheinthere?”
Foxgulped.“Yes.”
Hannahmadeawoundedsound,pressingahandtothecenterofherchest.
Thiswasit.Noescapingwhatcamenext.Withthediscoveryoftherecordplayerlockedupinthecabinet,shewasgoingtoknowhowoftenhethoughtofher.She’dknowthebestpartsofhisdayswerehertextmessagesbeforebed.She’dknowhishandsshookwiththeneedtotouchherwhenshewasintheshower.Thathecouldnolongerlookatotherwomen,andhisexistencehadbecomeundeniablypriestly.Thatalldaylong,herwordsfromthismorninghadrunginhishead,packinghischesttightwithsomeunnamedemotion.
I’mjustgoingtotellyouthat…I’llbebacktonightandthatyou’rereallyimportanttome
Hannahremainedsilentsolong,chewingonthatfulllowerlip,hewonderedifshewasgoingtosayanythingatall.Sheseemedalmostconflicted.Whatwasshethinking?
“Allthistime,Fox?Really?”Hervoiceturnedintoahushedwhisper,andhispulsestartedtohammeragainsthiseardrums.“I’vebeenlisteningtomusiconmyphonefornoreason?”
Fox’sbreathreleasedslowly,reliefwarringwith…disappointment?
No.Thatcouldn’tberight.
Eithershewaslettinghimoffthehook…orshedidn’trealizethesignificanceofhimbuyingtherecordplayer.Tobeclosetoher.Tohaveaconnectiontothatdaythey’dspenttogetherinSeattlewhenhe’dfelthumanandheardforthefirsttimeinaslongashecouldremember.Tobethemansheimaginedherselfwith.“Iwas…savingitasasurprise,”Foxsaid,reachingbehindthecabinetfortheleatherpouchandremovingthekey,highlyawareofhowoddandtellingitwasthathe’dhiddenthedamnthing.Beginningtosweat,heturneditinthelock.“ThoughtI’dbreakitoutifyouhadabaddayatwork,youknow?”
Hiseyesclosedwhenshehummed.Fromrightbehindhim.Shewassoclosehecouldalmostfeelthevibrationonthebackofhisneck,hiseveryhairfolliclewakingup.God,hewantedtotouchandtastehersobad.
Wouldgetdownonhiskneesifshebattedhereyelashes.Therewasnodenyingtheundercurrentsbetweenthem—herdistraughtreactiontohimgoingonadatespokevolumes.Butheforcedhimselftoacceptwhatshewasofferinghim,instead.Friendship.
Hannahknewitcouldn’tworkbetweenthem.Sheknewitaswellashedid,andshewassavingthemwhenhewasn’tstrongenoughtodoit.Maybeitwouldeventuallygeteasiertokeephishandstohimself.IfhegotfriendshipwithHannahoutofthebargain,hehadnochoicebuttobegrateful
Foxunlockedthecabinetandsteppedback,absorbingherexpressionlikeadryspongedroppedintotheocean.
Whenherfacetransformedwithdelight,hewantedtokickhimselffornotshowinghersooner.“Oh.AFluance.”Sheranherfingeralongthesmoothedge.“Fox,she’sbeautiful.Areyoutakinggoodcareofher?”
Hislipstwitched.“Yes,Hannah.”
Shesteppedbackandtiltedherhead,lookingatitfromadifferentangle.
Releasedahappysigh.“Thisissuchaperfectchoiceforyou,too.Thewoodchassisremindsmeofthedeckofaship.”
“That’sexactlywhatIthought,”hesaid,honestly.Thevalidationshealwaysseemedtogivesoeffortlesslypushedhimtoopenthecabinetbeneath,revealingtheneatrowofrecordshe’dcollectedoverthelastsevenmonths.Helaughedatherstrangledgasp.“Goahead.Playsomething.”
Shespokewithquietreverence,bendingforwardtoperusetheselectionofeverythingfrommetaltobluestoalternative.“Please.I’mgoingtobeplayingsomethingallnightwhileyou’regone.”
“No,youwon’t,becauseyou’recomingwithme.”
Hedidn’tthinktherewasanythingthatcouldcompetewiththerecords,butHannah’seyeszippedtohiswiththatpronouncement,andtheystaredateachotherintheensuingsilence.DidheplanoninvitingHannahtocomemeethismother?No.No,itshouldn’tevenhaveoccurredtohim.
IntroducingagirltoCharlene?Pigsmusthavebeenflying.Butassoonasthewordswereoutofhismouth,hecouldn’timaginethenightanyotherway.Ofcourseshewascomingwithhim.Ofcourse.
“WhoamItoturndownabingogamesorowdyitneedscrowdcontrol?”sheasked,breathless,hercheekseversoslightlypink—andhehadtorestrainhimselffromkissingthem.Fromtracinghislipsdowntoherflushedneckandworshipingituntilherpantiesweresoaked.“Letmegochange.”
“Yeah,”hesaidthickly,stuffinghisfistsintothepocketsofhisjeans.
Hannahwasalmosttoherroomwhenshestoppedandjoggedbacktotheturntable,pullingaRayLaMontagnealbumoutcarefullyandsettlingtheneedleonthefirsttrack,herlipscurlinghappilyatthefirstcrackle.“Foratmosphere,”sheexplained,eyestwinkling.
Thensheflutteredbacktoherroom,leavingFoxstaringafterherwithhisheartclogginghisthroat.
Phew.Thathadbeenacloseone.
ChapterSixteen
Foxwasn’tjoking.
Thisbingocrowdcametowin.
Whentheypulledintothechurchparkinglot,therewasalreadyalineextendingaroundthecorner,andthe(mostly)seniorcitizenplayerslookednonetoohappyaboutbeingkeptoutsideinasteadydrizzle.
Foxturnedofftheengineandleanedback,tappingafingerinquicksuccessiononthebottomofthesteeringwheel.Anxious.That’showhe’dbeenonthesecondhalfoftheride,andalthoughshedidn’tknowwhy,shestartedtowonderifthejumpinessstemmedfromseeinghismother.
MaybesheshouldbehomesearchingforbackupbandsiftheUnreliablesdidn’tcomethrough,butshedidn’twanttobeanywhereelse.
TheinvitationtomeetFox’smotherfeltalmostsacred.Likeaglimpsebehindthecurtain.Andshe’dbeenunabletodoanythingbutsayyes.
Simplyput,shewantedtobewithhim.Aroundhim.
He’dboughtarecordplayerandhiddenit.
Shewasn’tbuyinghisexcusethathe’dsaveditforarainyday.Asurprisetopulloutofthehatafterabaddayonset.No,thatwastotalbaloney—andshewasprettysurebothofthemknewit.Thismanbuyinganythingpermanentforhisbare-bonesapartmenthadsignificance.AndHannahcouldadmittobeingalittlescaredtofindoutmore.Topeelbackmorelayersanddiscoverifherrapidlygrowingfeelingsforthismanwerereturned.Becausewhatthen?
Apartfromtheobviousobstacle—theydidn’tliveinthesamestate—arelationshipbetweenthemwouldneverwork.Wouldit?
Foxclaimednottowantagirlfriendoranycommitments.
Hannahwasthetotalopposite.Whenshedecidedtocommitherselftosomeoneorsomething,shewentinonethousandpercent.Loyaltytothepeopleshecaredabouthummedinherblood.LoyaltymadeherHannah.
She’dpretendedtherecordplayerwascool.Nobigdeal.Afundiscovery.Butherapparentlyself-destructiveheartwantedtopouncealloverthedeepermeaning.Ignoringthatdesireburned,butsheforcedherselftofocusonthehereandnow.WhereFoxclearlyneededafriendtodistracthim,togroundhim,andthat’swhoshe’dbe.Refusingtoallowthingsbetweenthemtogetphysicalhadunlockedwhatfeltlike…trustbetweenthem.Anditfeltrareandprecious,alotlikemeetinghismother.
HannahtracedFox’sprofilewithhereyes,thestrongplanesofhisfacebacklitbytherain-blurreddriver’s-sidewindow.Alinemovedinhisjaw,thatfingerstilltappingawayonthesteeringwheel.Therewasnodenyingshewantedtoreachover,turnhishead,andkisshim,finallyletthefireburnoutofcontrolbetweenthem,but…justthis—beingatruefriend—
wasmoreimportant.
“Thisismyfavoritesound,”shesaid,unhookingherseatbeltandgettingmorecomfortableinthepassengerseat.“Itdoesn’trainveryofteninLA.Whenitdoes,Igodrivingjusttohearthedropslandontheroofofthecar.”
“Andwhatkindofmusicdoyouplay?”
Hannahsmiled,enjoyingthefactthatheknewhersowell.“TheDoors,ofcourse.‘RidersontheStorm.’”Shesatforwardtofiddlewithhissatelliteradio,searchingfortheclassicrockstation.“Itreallylendsitselftothewholemain-charactermoment.”
“Themain-charactermoment?”
“Yeah.Youknow,whenyou’vegottheperfectmoodgoing,soundtracktomatch.Andyou’reonarainyroad,feelingdramatic.You’rethestarofyourownmovie.You’reRockytrainingforthefight.OrBabylearninghowtomerengueinDirtyDancing.Oryou’rejustcryingoveralostlove.”Sheturnedslightlyintheseat.“Everyonedoesit!”
Fox’sexpressionwasamixtureofamusedandskeptical.“Idon’tdoit.
I’mdamnsureBrendandoesn’t,either.”
“You’reneverontheboat,haulingcrabpots,andfeellikeyou’rebeingwatchedbyanaudience?”
“Never.”
“You’reafilthyliar.”
Hetippedbackhisheadandlaughed.Quietedforasecond.“WhenIwasakid,IlovedthemovieJaws.Watchedithundredsoftimes.”Heshruggedabigshoulder.“Sometimeswhenourcrewisinthebunkstalking,IthinkofthatdrinkingscenewithDreyfuss,Shaw,andScheider.”
Hannahsmiled.“Thepartwheretheysing?”
“Yeah.”Hesentherasidewayssquint.“I’matotalScheider.”
“Yeah,no,Ihavetodisagree.You’redefinitelytheshark.”
HisbarkoflaughtermadeHannahturnmorefullyintheseat,leaninghercheekagainsttheleather.Throughthewindow,shecouldseethelineofseniorseagerlymovinginside,butFoxdidn’tseeminarushtoleavethecarjustyet,histensionstillobviousinthelinesofhisbody.
“Whatisyourmomlike?”
Thesubjectchangedidn’tseemtosurprisehimatall,andhereachedfortheleatherbraceletrestinginhislap,twistingitinaslowcircle.“Loud.
Lovesaninappropriatejoke.She’skindofacreatureofhabit.Alwayshasherpackofcigarettes,hercoffee,astoryreadytogo.”
“Whyareyounervoustoseeher?”
Asifrealizinghe’dbeentransparent,hisgazezippedtoher,thenaway,hisAdam’sappleliftingandfallingslowly.“Whenshelooksatme,sheobviouslyseesmyfather.Rightbeforeshesmiles,there’salittle…Idon’tknow,it’slikeaflinch.”
Asharp-tippedspeartraveleddownheresophagus.“Andyoustillcometoseeher.That’sprettybrave.”
Heshrugged.“Ishouldbeusedtoitbynow.OneofthesetimesIwillbe.”
“No.”Hervoicewasalmostdrownedoutbytherain.“Oneofthesetimes,she’llrealizeyou’renothinglikehimandshe’llstopflinching.That’smorelikely.”
Itwasobviousthathedidn’tagree.Inaclearefforttochangethesubject,heplowedhisfingersthroughhisdark-blondhairandshiftedslightlytofaceher.“Ididn’tevenaskyouhowfilmingwenttoday.”
Hannahblewoutabreath,responsibilitycrashingdownonherlikeapileofbricks.“Oh,itwas…interesting,Iguess?”
Hisbrowknit.“How?”
“Well.”Shedraggedherbottomlipthroughherteeth,tellingherselfnottosaythenextpart.Itwasselfish,wantingtoseeFox’sreaction.Secretlyhopingitwouldgivehersomehintastohowhefeltabouther.Whatwouldsheevendowiththatinformation?“Sergeihintedatwantingtogoout.
WhenwegetbacktoLA.”
Aneyetwitchwasheronlyhintastowhatwastakingplaceinhishead.
“Ohyeah?”Heclearedhisthroathard,staringoutthroughthewindshield.
“Great.That’s…great,Hannah.”
Iturnedhimdown
Itoldhimwewereserious
Shewantedtomakethoseconfessionssobadly,herstomachached,butshecouldalreadyseehisincredulousexpression.I’mnotintherelationshipraceandIneverwillbe.Foxmighthavebeenhidingawealthofmusicanddeepermeaningsinalockedcabinet,butonthesurface?Nothingabouthisconfirmedbachelorhoodstatushadchangedinthespaceofaweek,andifshepushedfortoomuchtoosoon—orhintedatherdeepeningfeelings—hecouldbalk.AndGod,thatwouldhurt.
“Um.Butthat’ssecondarytowhatelsehappened.”Shementallyregrouped,hemminginherdisappointment.“It’skindofalongstory,butbottomline?IhavebeentaskedwithrecordingademoofHenry’sseashantiesthatcouldpotentiallyreplacethecurrentmoviescore.Andifthattranspires,Brinleyisthreateningtoquit,andthecrewistakingbetsonwhetherornotthatdaywillcome.OrifIcanactuallypullitoff.”
“Jesus,”Foxmuttered,visiblyfillingintheblanks.“Howdidthathappen?”
Shewetherlips.“Well,youknowhowthesongsinmyheadwentmissing?”Henodded.“Theycamebackthismorning,with‘ISayaLittlePrayer.’Theystartedtoflowbackin.AndthenIwasstandinginDiscN
Datandithitme:therearenobettersongsforthesoundtrackthanHenry’s.
Itjustmakessense.TheywerewrittenaboutWestport.”Shepaused.
“ShaunaishelpingmegetincontactwithaSeattlebandtomaybe,possibly,recordtheshanties.Iwasgoingtogetthemrecordedeitherway,butwhenIbroughtupthepossibilityofusingtheminthemovietoBrinley—”
“Shegothertoessteppedon.”
“Ididn’tmeantotoestep,”shegroaned.“Iwasjustgoingtofloattheoption,butSergeioverheardthewholething.”Wassheimaginingtheway
everyoneofhismusclestightenedatthementionofthedirector?“Anyway,itfeelslikeachallengehasbeenissued.ToshowwhetherornotI’mreadyformoreresponsibilitywiththecompany.Ormaybejust…professionally.
Withmyself.”
“Youare,”hestatedemphatically.Then:“Don’tyouthinkyou’reready?”
Hannahturnedherfaceintotheseatandlaughed.“MyLAtherapy-speakisbeginningtoruboffonyou.”
“OhGod.Itis.”Heshookhisheadslowly,thenwentbacktoscrutinizingher.“Thatwasaboldmove,Freckles.Puttingoutfeelersforaband.Approachingherwiththesongs.Youdon’twantthechallenge?”
“Idon’tknow.IthoughtIwantedchallenges.ButnowI’mjustscaredIwon’tdeliverandI’llrealizeIwasnevermeanttobealeadingladyallalong,youknow?ThatfeelingisjustfordrivingaloneinmycarandlisteningtotheDoors.”
“Bullshit.”
“Icouldsaythesameforyourbeliefthatyoucan’tcaptainaship,”shepointedoutquietly.
“ThedifferencebeingIdon’twanttobealeader.”Therewasfarlessconvictioninhistonethanthelasttimethey’dspokenabouthimtakingovertheDellaRay,buthedidn’tappeartonoticeit.Hannahdid,though.
“You,Hannah?Youcandothis.”
Gratitudewelledinherchest,andshelethimseeit.Watchedhimabsorbitwithnosmallsurprise.“Thosesongswouldprobablyhaveremainedmeaninglessinthefolderifyouhadn’tsungforme.”Hischestroseandfell,buthecouldnolongerlookather.“Thanksforthat.”
“Hey.”Hescrubbedhisknucklesalongthebristlyshadowofhisjaw
“WhoamItokeepmyminimaltalentfromtheworld?”
Asifthecosmoshadalignedperfectly,“You’veLostThatLovin’
Feelin’”bytheRighteousBrotherscameontheradioandablissfulsighescapedHannah.“I’mgladyoufeelthatway,becauseyou’redefinitelysingingthiswithme.”
“Afraidnot—”
Shedroppedhervoiceandsangtheopeningbars,makinghimlaugh,thehuskysoundalowbasslineintherain-muffledcar.Forthesecondtimethatday,herlackofvocalskillsmadeherwanttostop,butwhenFoxglancedat
theentrancetothechurchauditoriumwithrenewedanxiousness,sheturnedupthevolumeandkeptgoing,snatchingapenoutofhiscupholdertoserveasamicrophone.Bythesecondverse,Foxshookhisheadandjoinedin.Theysatintherain,singingatthetopsoftheirlungs,allthewayuntilthefinalnote.
Whentheyfinallywalkedintothechurchhallseveralminuteslater,thestiffnesswascompletelygonefromFox’sshoulders.
ChapterSeventeen
CharleneThorntonwasexactlyasFoxdescribed.
Sheworebigvintageeyeglasseswitharosetint,alongsweaterwrappedaroundherslenderbody,andtherewerehintsofgrayspringingoutfromhertemples.Thechurchhallwaspackedfulloffoldingtables,andshewalkedthroughthem,holdingcourt,droppingwitticismsonthebingoplayersasshepassed,smoothingfeathersthathadbeenruffledfromtheirwaitinthebadweather.
TherewasapackofMarlboroRedsinherhand,thoughshedidn’tseeminarushtodoanything,letalonegooutsideandsmokeone.Sheseemedmoreinclinedtousethepacktogestureorpossiblyasasafetyblanket.
Hannahwasn’tpreparedfortheflinchFoxhadwarnedherabout,especiallycomingfromhisownmother.Orthefiercesurgeofprotectivenessthatpermeatedher,headtotoe.ItwassostrongthatshereachedforFox’shandandwoundtheirfingerstogetherwithoutthinking,herheartleapingalittleinherchestwhenhenotonlydidn’tpullawaybuttuggedherclosertohisside.
“Hey,Ma,”hesaid,leaningdowntokisshercheek.“Goodtoseeyou.
Youlookgreat.”
“Likewise,ofcourse.”Beforehecouldpullaway,shecaughthisheadinbothhands,scanninghimwithamother’seyes.“Wouldyoulookatthesegoddamndimplesonmyson?”shecalledoverhershoulder,turningseveralheads.“Andwhoisthisyounglady?Isn’tshejustcuteashell?”
“Yeah,thisisHannah.She’sprettycute,butIwouldn’trecommendmessingwithher.”Hislipsjumpedatoneend.“IcallherFreckles,butherothernicknameistheCaptainKiller.She’sfamousinWestportforgoing
toe-to-toewithBrendan.Andmostrecentlyforcallingsomeofthelocalsballsacs.”
“Fox!”Hannahhissed.
Laughing,Charlenereleasedherson’sheadandplantedbentwristsonherhips.“Well,now,I’dsaythatdeservesthebestseatinthehouse.”Sheturnedandwavedforthemtofollow.“Comeon,comeon.IfIdon’tstartsoon,thereisgoingtobeariot.Nicetomeetyou,Hannah.You’rethefirstgirlFoxhaseverbroughttomeetme,butIdon’thavetimetomakeabigdealoutofit.”
Dammit.Hannahlikedherrightaway.
Andshe’dreallywantedtohateherafterthatflinch.
CharlenepushedherandFoxtowardsomechairsatthetopofthehall,rightinfrontofthestagewhereherbingoequipmenthadbeensetup,pullingsomebingocardsandblottersoutofherapronanddroppingthemontothetable.
“Goodluck,youtwo.Grandprizeisablendertonight.”
“Thanks,Ma.”
“Thanks,Mrs.Thornton,”Hannahsaidgrudgingly.
“Please!Let’snotstandonceremony.”ShesqueezedHannah’sshoulders,guidingherintooneofthemetalchairs.“You’llcallmeCharleneandI’llhopemysonhasthegoodsensetobringyouaroundagainsoyouhavethechancetocallmeanydamnthingatall.Howaboutthat?”
Leavingthatquestionhangingintheair,Charlenesailedoff.
Foxexhaled,lookingchagrined.“She’sacharacter.”
“Ireallywantedtobemadather,”Hannahsaidglumly.
“Iknowexactlyhowyoufeel,Freckles,”heresponded,thewordsalmostswallowedupcompletelyintheshuffleofchairsandbuzzofexcitementaroundthem.AcrossfromFoxandHannahsattwowomenwhohaderectedaportablebarrierbetweeneachother,tencardsspreadoutinfrontofthemboth,arainbowselectionofblottersattheready.
“KeepyoureyeonEleanor,”saidthewomanontheright,closesttothestage.“She’sanunrepentantcheat.”
“Youjustshutyourmouth,Paula,”hissedEleanoroverthebarrier.
“You’restillbitteraboutmewinningthatDutchoventwoweeksago.Well,youcanshovethathigh-and-mightyattitudewherethesundoesn’tshine.Iwonfairandsquare.”
“Sure,”Paulamuttered.“Iffairandsquaremeanscheating.”
“Isitevenpossibletocheatatbingo?”HannahaskedFoxoutofthesideofhermouth.
“Stayneutral.Don’tgetinvolved.”
“But—”
“BeSwitzerland,Hannah.Trustme.”
Theywerestillholdinghandsunderthetable.SowhenEleanorleanedacrossthetableandsmiledsweetly—bitteraccusationsapparentlyforgotten
—andaskedhowlongHannahandFoxhadbeendating,Hannah’sanswersoundedsomehowfabricated.“Oh.No,we’rejust”—hergazelockedwithFox’sfleetingly—“friends.”
Paulawasopenlyskeptical.“Oh,friends,huh?”
“Thisiswhattheydonow,thisyoungergeneration,”Eleanorsaid,straighteninghercardsunnecessarily.“Theydon’tdolabelsandnoonegoessteady.Iseeitwithmygrandkids.Theydon’tevengoondates,theydosomethingcalledagrouphang.Thatwaythereisnopressureonanyone,becauseGodforbid.”
NowPaulajustlookeddisgustedwiththebothofthem.“Youthiswastedontheyoung.”Sheproddedthetablewithabonyfinger.“IfIwasfiftyyearsyounger,I’dbelabelingtheheckoutofanythingthatwalkedupright.”
“Paula,”Eleanorscoldedthroughthebarrier.“We’reinachurch.”
“ThegoodLordalreadyknowsmythoughts.”
HannahlookedatFox,bothofthempracticallyshakingwithunreleasedlaughter,theirhandssqueezingthebloodoutofeachotherunderthetable.
TheyweresavedfromanyfurthercommentaryaboutthedownfallsoftheirgenerationwhenCharleneturnedonthemicrophone,sendingapealoffeedbackthroughthechurchhall.“Allright,youoldbuzzards.Let’splaybingo.”
***
Itwasn’tadate(oragrouphang).
Theywerejusttwofriendsplayingbingo.
Justtwofriendsoccasionallyholdinghandsunderthetable,hisknucklebrushingtheinsideofherthighhereandthere.AtsomepointFoxdecided
thehallwastoonoisytohearHannahproperlyandhe’dyankedherchaircloser,pretendingnottonoticeherquestioninglook.Whatthehellwashedoing?
Washeoneofthoseidiotswhowantedsomethingtwiceasmuchbecausehecouldn’thaveit?Thedirectorhadaskedherout.Prettysoon,theywouldbebackinLA,andSergeiwouldhavealltheaccesstoHannahhewanted,whileFoxwasinthePacificNorthwest,probablystaringathisphonewaitingforherdailytextmessage.Whichisexactlyhowitneededtobe.
Andyet.
EverytimeFoxthoughtofSergeiholdingherhandinsteadofhim,hewantedtoswipeanarmacrossthebingotableandupseteveryone’scards.
Scatterthemalloverthefloor.Thenmaybekickoverthechurchbulletinboardforgoodmeasure.WhothehelldidthismotherfuckerthinkhewastoaskoutHannahBellinger?
Abettermanthanhim,probably.Onewhohadn’tbeencheapeninghimselfsinceapproximatelyonedayafterhisballsdropped.Likefather,likeson.Wasn’tthatwhyheworethebraceletthatwascurrentlyrestingonHannah’sthigh?
“SweetCaroline.Thisissoaddictive,”Hannahwhisperedtohim.Andhehearditeasily,becausehewassittingwaytooclose,tryingnottostareatthoselittlecurlywispsofhairthattherainhadcreatedaroundherface.Orthewayshesuckedinabreatheverytimeshegottoblotoutasquare.Orhermouth.Dammit,yes,herinsanelylushmouth.Maybeheshouldjustleanoverandkissit,thehellwiththeconsequences.Hehadn’ttastedhersincethatnightofthecastparty,andtheneedforanotherhitwasunbearable.
“Addictive,”herasped.“Yeah.”
Hannah’seyesshottohis,thendowntohismouth,andthethoughtsthatranthroughhismindwerenotappropriatetohaveinfrontofhismother.
Anyone’smother,really.
ThisneedforHannahneverwentaway,butitwasespeciallyheavyrightnow.HavinghertherewasmorecomfortingthanFoxcouldhavepredicted.
Heforcedhimselftogoseehismotheroccasionally,notonlybecausehecaredabouther,butbecausethatinvoluntaryflinchvalidatedhisexistenceasaresponsibility-freehedonist.
ButHannah…shewasstartingtopullhimtheoppositeway.Likeagravitationalforce.Andrightnow,stuckbetweenHannahandthereminderofhispast,goinginherdirectionseemedalmostpossible.Shewasherewithhim,wasn’tshe?Playingbingo,singingwithhiminthecar,talking.
Decidedlynotfucking.IfHannahlikedhimformorethanhispotentialtogiveheranorgasm…ifsomeonesosmartandincrediblebelievedhewasmore…couldn’titpossiblybetrue?
Asifreadinghismind,Hannahrubbedherthumboverthebackofhisknuckles,turningslightlyandrestingherheadonhisshoulder.Trustingly.
Likeafriend.Justafriend.
God.Whycouldn’thebreathe?
“Bingo!”crowedoneofthewomensittingacrossfromthem.
“Ohhell.DidIhearEleanorcallbingodownthere?”Charlenesaid,whistlingintothemicrophoneandbangingtheminigongshekeptperchedonherstation.“Eleanor,youhavebeenonfirethesepastcoupleofweeks.”
“That’sbecauseshe’safilthycheat!”Paulaspat.
“Now,Paula,beagoodsport,”Charlenescoldedlightly.“Weallgetaluckyrunonceinawhile.Eleanor?MyhandsomesonisgoingtobringmeyourcardsoIcancheckitover,okay?”
EleanorhandedthecardtoFoxwithaflourish,baringherteethinatriumphantsmileentirelyforPaula’sbenefit.Foxscootedhischairback,wishingtheroundhadgoneonlongersoHannah’sheadcouldhaverestedonhisshoulderforanotherfewminutes.Maybeifheplayedhiscardsright,she’dsleepinhisbedagaintonight?Theprospectofholdingherwhilesheslept,wakingupbesideher,madehimeagertogethomeandseehowhecouldmaneuverit…
Christ.WhoamIanymore?
HewastryingtocomeupwithawaytogetHannahintobedsotheycouldhaveanentirelyplatonicsleepover.Didheevenownadickanymore?
She’dprobablybedreamingofanothermantheentiretime.
CountingtheminutesuntilshewentbacktoLA.
Foxhandedthecardtohismother,realizinghe’dnearlymangledthedamnthinginhisfist.
“Thankyou,Fox,”Charlenesang,leaningforwardtocoverthemicrophone.“Youseriousaboutthatgirl,son?”
Hewascaughtoffguardbythequestion.Probablybecausehe’dneverspokentohismotheraboutgirlsbefore.Notsincehe’dturnedfourteenandshe’dmadehimwatchanonlinetutorialonhowtoapplyacondom.Afterwhichshe’dputanemptycoffeecaninthepantryandkeptitfullofsinglesandfivesatalltimes.She’dtoldhimitwasthere,pointedly,withoutexplainingtheexactpurpose.Buthe’dknownshewassupplyinghimwithcondommoney.Beforehe’deverhadsex,she’dpredictedhisbehavior.
Ormaybehe’dbehavedacertainwaybecauseithadbeenexpected.
Foxhadneverreallyconsideredthatpossibility.Butoverthecourseofthelastweek,there’dbeenasenseofemergingfromafog.Lookingaroundandwonderinghowthehellhe’dgottentothatexactspot.Emptyhookups,noresponsibilities,norootsdiggingintotheearth.Hadhebeenlivingthiswaytoolongtoconsiderstopping?
Youhavestopped,idiot
Temporarily.
Right.
Withhismother’squestionstillhangingintheair,FoxglancedbackatHannah.God,everycellinhisbodyrebelledattheideaofmeetinganotherwoman—notHannah—inSeattle.Buthe’dtriedtoescapehimselfbeforeanditblewupinhisfuckingface.Itleftscarsandtaughthimapainfullessonabouttheimpressionhegavepeoplesimplybyexisting.Andhewasn’tgoingtotryitagain,washe?Forthisgirlwhocoulddecimatehimbychoosingsomeoneelse?Inasense,shehadchosensomeoneelsealready.
“No,”hefinallyansweredhismother,soundingchoked.“No,we’refriends.That’sit.”Heflashedheragrinthatalmosthurt.“YouknowhowIam.”
“IknowyoucamehomefromschooleverydaysincefreshmanyearsmellinglikeBathandBodyWorks.”Shechuckled.“Well,becarefulwithher,willyou?There’ssomethingabouther.Almostlikeshe’sprotectiveofyoueventhoughshebarelyreachesyourchin.”
HecaughttheurgetotellCharlenethat,yeah,that’sexactlyhowshemadehimfeel.Protected.Wanted.Forreasonshecouldn’thavefathomedbeforemeetingher.Shelikedhim.Likedspendingtimewithhim.
“I’llbecarefulwithher.”Hisvoicealmostshook.“OfcourseIwill.”
“Good.”Sheswitchedhandscoveringthemicrophonesoshecouldreachupandcradlethesideofhisface.“Mydarlingheartbreaker.”
“I’veneverbrokenanyone’sheart.”
Thatwastrue.He’dneverbeencloseenoughtoanyoneforthattobeapossibility.NotevenMelinda.Hemighthavegivenhiscollegegirlfriendmoreofhimselfthananyonewhocamebefore,butthey’dbeennowherenearascloseasFoxandHannah.
DidhewanttogetevenclosertoHannah?
IfSergeiwasoutofthepicture,whatwouldcloserlooklike?
Arelationship?HannahmovingtoWestport?HimmovingtoLA?
What?
ItallsoundedcompletelyridiculousinthecontextofFox’slife.
“And,Jesus,I’mnotgoingtostartnow,”headded,shootinghismotherawink.“YouwantmetodroptheblenderofftoEleanor?”
Hersmiledimmedslowly.“Areyousure?”
“IthinkIcanhandleit.”
Charlenehesitatedslightlybeforeheftingupthesmallappliance,clearancestickerstillattachedtooneside,handingittoherson.Foxsteppeddownoffthestageandmadehiswaybacktothetable.Everyoneturnedtowatchhimgoby—orlookattheblender,rather—likevipersinthegrass.HesetitdowninfrontofEleanor,pretendinghedidn’tnoticethetensionatthetable.Maybeifheignoredit,theywouldfollowhislead.
Wishfulthinking.
AssoonashesettheblenderdowninfrontofEleanor,Paulapounced.
Herbonyfingersdugintothetopofthebox,butEleanorwasnorookie.
She’danticipatedthemoveandstartedstabbingatPaula’shandswithherblotter,leavingbluemarksonthewoman’sskin.Ahubbubensued,bingoplayersshufflingaroundtogetabetterlookattheaction.Confidenthecoulddefusethestressfulsituation—hewasakingcrabfisherman,afterall
—Foxinsertedhimselfinbetweenthewomen,givingthemhisbestsmile,inturn
“Ladies.Let’sendthenightfriends,huh?Letmegetyoubothasodafromthesnackbarand—”
Eleanorswungtheblotterandgothimrightinthecenteroftheforehead.
Hannahgasped,herhandsflyinguptocoverhermouth.
Andthenhershouldersstartedtoshake.
Couldhereallyblameherforgiggling?Therewasagiantbluedotinthemiddleofhisforehead.Hewasahumanbingocard.Weirdly,hewasenjoyingherhappiness,eventhoughitwasathisexpense.“Really,Hannah?”hedrawled.
Shedissolvedintolaughter,nolongertryingtohideit.“Doesanyonehaveatissue?”sheaskedthroughhertears.“Orawetwipe?”
“That’sgoingtotakesomescrubbing,”calledsomeonefromthecheapseats.
Onherwayaroundthetable,someonepressedapackoftissuesintoHannah’shand,andshecontinuedtowardhim,almoststumblingshewaslaughingsohard.AndbeforeFoxknewit,hewasallowingHannahtotakehishandandpullhimoutthesidedoorintothecool,mistynight.
Therainhadstopped,butmoisturelingeredintheairalongwiththedistantsmelloftheocean.Streetlampscastyellowbeamsonpuddles,turningthemintopoolsofwavy,windblownlight.Trafficmovedinahushonthenearbyhighway,theoccasionalbigriglettingoutalong-windedhonk.Itwasasettingthat,overthelastsevenmonths,mighthavemadehimfeellonelyandexasperatedwithhimselfformissingHannah.Buttherewasn’tanylonelinessnow.Therewasonlyher.Openingthepackoftissueswithherteeth,takingoneofthemout,andbringingthesoftsheettohisforehead,herbodystillrackedbylaughter.
“OhmyGod,Fox,”shesaid,movingthetissueincircles.“OhmyGod.”
“What?You’veneverseenageriatrichitjobbefore?”
Herpealofrenewedmirthrangthroughthequietparkinglotandshothisheartupintohismouth.“Youtriedtotellmebingoneededcrowdcontrol,butIdidn’tbelieveyou.Lessonlearned.”Shewasgigglingsohard,shecouldbarelykeepherarmup,theappendagerepeatedlydroppingtoherside.“Youweresoconfident,thewayyousteppedinbetweenthem.”Shedroppedhervoicetomimichim.“Ladies,ladies.Please.”
“Yeah,”hemuttered.“Apparentlyyou’renottheonlyonewho’simmunetome,huh?”
Hedidn’tmeantosayitoutloud,butitwastoolatetotrapthewords.
Theywereoutthere,andHannahwasn’tlaughinganymore.
Windblewthroughthescantspacebetweenthem,whisperinganddampinthesilence,makingmoreofthoseperfectcurlsatthesidesofher
forehead.AndFoxrealizedhewasholdinghisbreath.Waitingforhertolethimdowngently.
Heforcedachuckle.“Sorry,Imeant—”
“I’mnotimmune,”shebreathed.“I’mfarfromimmunetoyou.”
Thesoftadmissionmadehiskneesfeellikefuckingjelly,butrightontheheelsofthat,hewenthard.Everywhere.Eachoneofhismusclespulledtaut,hiscockturningthickinhisbriefs.“Howfar?”
Sandbagsweighingdownhereyelids,shelethimseetheanswer.Herthirstforhim.Andinresponse,hernamecaughtinhisthroat,histoneoneofsurprise.Relief.
Slowly,Hannahmovedmorethoroughlyintotheshadowofthebuilding,turningandleaningbackagainstthewall,reversingtheirpositionsinadeliberatedance,takinghertimetracingtheplanesofhisface.
Wreckinghimwithhersimple,perfecttouch.Thewayshecurledherfingertipsintothecollarofhisshirtanddrewhimdown,down,sotheycouldexhaleroughlyagainsteachother’smouths.
“Kissmeandfindout.”
Hemadeahaltingsoundandmoved,unabletostophimselfnowthathe’dbeengivenpermission,catchingherhipsinhishandsandgraduallypinninghertothebrickbarrier,moldingtheirlowerbodiestogetheruntilshewhimpered.
“You’resure.”
“Yes.”
“Thankyou,Jesus.”
Wherethehelltostart?Ifhekissedhermouthfirst,hesworehemighteatherwhole,sohezeroedinonherneck,fistingherponytailandtuggingleft,givinghimselfaclearpathuptoherearandbreathingatrailupthatincrediblesoftness,finishinghisexhalejustbeneathherlobe.Hesavoredhercrygreedily,rejoicinginthewayshewentlimpbetweenhimandthebrickwall,herfingerstwistinginthefrontofhisshirtforpurchase.
Still—still—worriedhemightimplodeifheactuallyallowedhimselfthesingularflavorofHannah’smouth,henonethelessattackedthoseparted,waitinglips,groaningbrokenlyashertastesankintohisbones,madehimlight-headed.
God.OhGod.
Hewrappedhistonguearoundhersandpulledhard,once,twice.Hesensedherawareness,heranticipation,herhipssquirmingwherehekeptthemstationaryonthewall.Hermovementsrubbedagainsthiserection,workinghimthehellup.Sointenselyworkedup,soeagertofuck,herecognizedimmediatelythathe’dnever,notonce,wantedanyonelikethis
Hannahwasgood.Hannahwasright.
Beinginsideherwouldbeacelebration,notmerelypartofaroutine.
Therewasnothingtypicalaboutthis.Orpracticed.Itwasaspontaneouscombustionoftheurgeshe’dbeensuppressingwhereHannahwasconcerned,bothphysicalandemotional,andthatimplosionbredanurgencyinhim.
Now.Heneededhernow.
Foxdroppedhishipsdownandliftedherslightly,creatingfrictionagainsthersex,andhereyesrolledback,handspullinghimcloser.Theirmouthsmovedinafranticrhythm,tonguesmeetinginlongstrokes,hishandstravelingdownherhipsandupthevalleyofhersides,sensitizingthesmoothskinbeneathhershirt.Makingherwetandpliant.Heknewthattruthlikeheknewthesea.
“Youavirgin,Hannah?”Foxrasped,lightlyscrapinghisteethupherthroat.
“No,”shewhispered,eyesdazed.
“ThankGod,”hegrowled,growingimpossiblyharder.Hungrier.“OnceI’mgoodanddeep,Idon’tthinkI’llbeabletoslowdown.”
Hesurgedupwithhishipsagain,watchingherfaceclosely,memorizinghertinygaspsofair,relishingthewayhertitsdraggedupanddownonhischest,nippleserect.God,thissweet,hornygirl.Hecouldn’twaittogetheroutofthatbraandpanties.Gethersplayedout,nothinginthewayofhistongue,hisfingers,hiscock.She’dbescreamingdownthemotherfuckingbuildingtonight—
Ashrillsoundsplinteredhisthoughtsapart.
Aphoneringing.
No.No,phoneshadnoplacehere.Phonesdidn’tmatter.
Theywerepartofreality,andthis…thiswaswaybetterthananyrealityhe’deverknown.Onewherehedidn’tfeellikeanactorphoninginhispart.Butthesoundkeptup,overandover,vibratingwheretheirhipsmetuntil,finally,theybrokeapart,foreheadspressingtogetherasthey
lookeddownatthesourceofthenoise.“M-myphone,”Hannahstuttered,breathinghard.
“No.”
“Fox…”
“No.God,Iloveyourfuckingmouth.”
Theirlipsclashedagain,battlingtogetthebesttaste,beforeshepulledhermouthaway,necklosingpower,eyesglazedover.“Wecan’tjust.
here.Wec-can’t.”Shevisiblystruggledtoformcoherentthoughts,andChrist,couldherelate.Hisheadwasoverflowing,takingeveryparticleofcommonsensewithit.“Yourmotherisinsideandtherearethings,liketalkingthings,wehavetodo.Ithink?”
“Talkingthings,”heexhaledgruffly,holdingherchinsteady,tippingitupsohecouldlookatherbeautifulface.“ItalktoyoumorethanI’veevertalkedtoanyone,Hannah.”
Sheblinked.Softened.“Iwantyouto.Ilovethatyoudo.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.But…”
Herphonerangagain,andhegrittedhisteeth,needingtohearwhatwasgoingoninherhead.Maybeitwouldhelphimfigureoutwhatwashappeninginhisown.Becauseasfarashecouldtell,hewasgettingreallydamnclosetoeitherruininghisfriendshipwithHannahorbeingturneddownagain.
Heloathedbothofthoseoptions.
Sleepingtogetherwouldmeanpotentiallyhurtingherfeelingswhenhecouldn’tgiveheranymorethansex.Anditwouldbeacolddayinhellbeforeheaskedthisgirltobefriendswithbenefits.Ifanothermansuggestedthattoher,hewoulddecktheasshole.Howcouldhedothesame?
Orshemightnotbeimmune,butdidn’twanthimlikethis.Notenough,anyway.Thelustmightbethere,butherwillpowerwasstrongenoughtoovercomeit.Becauseultimatelyshewantedsomeoneelse.
Hischestlurched,anervestartingtojumpbehindhiseye.
“Goaheadandanswerit,”herasped,easingheragainstthewallandbackingoff,turningtoshoveahandfuloffingersthroughhishair.
Bettertohavehertakethecallthandeliverhimthatblow,right?
“Shauna,”Hannahsaidasecondlaterintothephone,herbreathstillatouchlabored.“Pleasetellmeyouhavegoodnews.”
Alongpause.
Shesuckedinabreathandturnedinacircle,pattingherpocketsasiflookingforapensomewhereontherain-soakedground.Foxopenedthenotesapplicationonhisphoneandhandedittoher,noddingwhenshegavehimagratefullook.Hannahstoppedmovingabruptly,bothdeviceslightingupherface.“Tomorrow?”Sheshookherhead.“Nowaytheycouldpullthatoff.NowayIcanpullthatoff.Right?”
What?Foxmouthed.
Sheheldupafinger.“Okay,couldyousendmetheircontactinfoandtheaddressoftherecordingstudio?Thankyou!Thankyousomuch,Shauna.Ioweyou.”
Hannahdroppedthephonetoherside,lookingalmostasdazedaswhentheywerekissing.“What’shappening,Freckles?”
“ThebandIwantforHenry’sshanties?They’releavingontourintwodays.Forsixmonths.They’regoingtobeinthestudiotomorrowrecordingsomereelsforInstagramand—”
“Reels.Youlostme.”
“It’snotimportant.”Shewavedthephones.“TheylikethematerialIsentandcanworkthroughthenightonarrangements.Laydownademoofthetrackstomorrow.ThemoneyIofferedisalotforanindiebandtopassup.Soistheopportunitytobeonafilmsoundtrack.IfSergeilikeswhattheydo,they’llmaketimeontourtocomebackandrecordforreal.”Afewsecondswentby.“Imean,IcouldwaitandtrytofindanLAband.ButIknowthewaySergeiworksandhe’llloseinterestinthewholeideaifIdon’tmovefast.”
Hannahswipedherthumboverthescreenofherphone,tapping.Sheclosedhereyeswhenawoman’sthroatygrowlfilledtheairoutsidethechurchhall,accompaniedbytwinfiddlesandasnaredrum—handslowlyliftingtoherthroat,themouthhe’dsorecentlykissedcurlingintoasmile.
“Thisisthem,”shesaid.“I’mdefinitelygoingtoSeattle.”
Foxrealizedhewassmilingbackather,becausehisheartwouldn’tlethimdoanythingelsewhenshewashappy.“No,Freckles.We’regoingtoSeattle.”
Shebrightened.Actuallybrightenedatthenewshe’dbecomingalong.
Didshereallythinkhe’dlethertravelalone?“Butyourfishingtrip…”
“NotuntilWednesdaymorning.Thatgivesustheentiredaytomorrow.”
“Okay,”shebreathed,shifting,thenreachingoutahandforhimtotake.
Leavingitthereforalongmoment,herexpressionvulnerableuntilhegrabbedon,histhroatinamanacle.Hannahhesitatedtomovebacktowardthebingohallrightaway,andFoxsensedtheirearlierdiscussionwasfarfromover.Thesamewayaredskymeantrainwascoming,Hannahneededeverylooseendtiedtogether.Andinthiscase,thelooseendswereinsidehim.Shewasn’tgoingtostopdigginguntilshefoundandidentifiedthemonebyone.
PartofFoxwasrelievedashellthatshecaredenoughtotry.Buttherestofhim,themanwhoguardedhiswoundslikeajunkyarddog,hadhisbackbunchedupbeneaththecollar.Shewaseithergoingtopoursaltintothosewoundsbyrejectinghim…orforcehimtosuturehimself.Washeevenclosetopreparedforeitherone?
No.
Sincecollege,hisdefensemechanismhadbeentobailoutbeforehecouldbepatronizedorremindedhewasonlygoodforonething.Butbailingwasn’tgoingtobepossiblewithHannah.Notinthewayheusuallydidit—bypullingadisappearingact.Godno.Hedidn’twanttodisappearonher.Buthecouldputastoptothissnowballingexpectationofsexbetweenthem.Now.Hecoulddothatbeforeshepulledtherugoutfromunderhisfeet.BecausewithHannah?Hewouldn’tsurvivethelanding.
ChapterEighteen
Theridehomewasquiet.
Theyreturnedtothechurchhalltosayaquickgood-byetoCharlene,andthenFoxheldHannah’shandallthewaytohiscar.Heopenedthedoorforherliketheywereonaproperdate,amuscleflexingnonstopinhischeek.Chargedsilencefollowedashegotthembackontothehighway.
Whatwashethinking?
Whatwasshethinking?
Herthoughtswereindisarray,likeatornadohadblownthrough.
Thatkiss.
Holyhell.
Theonethey’dsharedatthecastpartywasthegentleopeningnotesof
“TheGreatGigintheSky.”Buttheoneagainstthechurchwallwasthatwailingsolothree-quartersofthewaythroughthesong.Theonethatneverfailedtomakeherwanttowaxpoeticaboutthecomplexityofwomenandtheirturbulenthearts.
Andspeakingofturbulence,therewasnobetterdescriptionforwhatFox’sskilledmouthhaddonetoher.Herbodyhadrespondedlikeaflowerfinallybeinggivensunlight,desperateandstarved.Evennow,shecouldstillfeelthezapofelectricityinherfingertips,thedampnessontheseamofherjeans.
OnceI’mgoodanddeep,Idon’tthinkI’llbeabletoslowdown
Atthememoryofthatbluntpronouncement,Hannahturnedherheadandmoanedsoundlesslyintohershoulder,theintimatemusclesbelowherwaistcatchingandreleasing.Weretheygoinghometohavesex?Wasthatwhatshewanted?
Yes.
Obviously.
TherewaslittledoubtthatsexwithFoxwouldbemind-blowing.She’dknownthatsincemeetinghimlastsummer.Butifhethoughttheydidn’thaveareasontotalkfirst?Tosolvesomethings?Hewasoutofhisever-lovingmind.Theirrelationshipwasacomplicatedriddlethatgotmoreconfusingeveryday.Theyweregoodfriends,highlyattractedtoeachother.
They’dbehavedlikeacoupletonight,nodenyingthat.Nodenyinghowmuchshe’dlikedit,too.Holdinghishandunderthetable,sharingprivatejokeswiththeireyes,nowordsnecessary.
HerfeelingsforFoxweregrowingatanexponentialrate,withnosignsofslowingdown,andshecouldonlylikenittoheadingforasteepwaterfallinakayak.HannahmightmeanmoretoFoxthantheaveragegirl,butthatdidn’tmeanhewantedtobemorethanfriends.
Charlene’sflinchpoppedintoHannah’shead,andshetracedhereyesoverFox’sstiffjaw,hishairmademessybyhisownfingers.Andnotforthefirsttime,shesawsomeonewhowasscared.Hisexpressionremindedheroftheafternoonshe’dturnedhimdownintheguestroom,strippedhimofhissensualpower.Shesawthatsametrepidationnow.Likemaybe…
maybehedidwanttobethemanwhoheldherhandatbingoanddrovehertoSeattle,butflinchesandleatherbraceletsandhang-upsfromthepastgotinhisway.Madehimdoubthecoulddoit.
Wasshereaching?
Hannahdraggedhereyesoffhisperfectprofile,watchingthewindshieldwipersmoveintheirrhythmicpatternontheglass,catchingtheobscuringrainandsmoothingouttheview,makingitclearsotheycouldmoveahead.
Doingitoverandoveragainuntiltherainfinallystopped.
WhatifshecoulddothesamewithFox?
Staysteady,unwaveringuntilhisviewcleared?
Wasshestrongenoughforthat?
Forgetstrong.Tryingtolurethismanoutofbachelorhoodwasflat-outself-destructive,anditcouldendwithherheartintatters.Althoughwalkingaway,goingbacktoLosAngeles,asifFoxwasn’tclaimingmoreandmoreacreageinherheart,seemedinfinitelyworsethantrying.
Ohboy.AsignforWestportpassedonthesideoftheroad,butitmightaswellhavesaidTroubleAhead.
Hannahswallowedhard.“So,um”—sheclutchedthenylonoftheseatbelt—“areyousureaboutdrivingmetoSeattleinthemorning?IhavenoideawhattoexpectwhenIgettothestudio.Couldbealotofwaiting.”
“I’msure,Hannah.”Hecutherasidelongglance.“Nowaskmewhatyoureallywanttoaskme.”
Herstomachfloppedoveratthecontinualproofthatheknewhersowell.“Okay.”Thepulseatthebaseofherneckspedup.“You,um…
we…um…Youknow,thatwasdefinitelykindofforeplaybackthere,right?Like,youaskedifI’mavirginandthatseemslike,yeah,youwerecheckingforareason.Areasonlikesex.”
Hislongfingersstretchedonthesteeringwheel,thengrippeditseeminglytighter.“That’saccurateenough.Keeptalking.”
“Well.IguessI’mwonderingwhatwouldhappenafter.Afterwedidthat.Ifwedidthat.”
Herolledashoulder.“Waitformetogethardagain.Hitadifferentposition.”
“Fox.”
“Hannah.Ican’tanswerwhatIdon’tknow,”hesaidthroughstifflips.
“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?DoIwanttofuckyou?Yes.OhmyGod,I”—hiseyesclosedbriefly,thosefisherman’shandsflexingonthesteeringwheel—“IwantyouunderneathmesobadthatIcan’tlieinbedwithoutalreadyfeelingyouthere.I’veneverevenhadyou,andyourbodyhauntsmine.”
Thattookthebreathrightoutofherlungs,leavingherwinded.ThankGodhekeptgoing,becausetherewasnochanceofherspeakingwiththatstatementhangingintheair.Yourbodyhauntsmine
“Look”—hischestroseandfellhard—“it’sbetterifwedon’t.Youwouldn’tbelievehowmuchitkillsmetosaythat.Butthefactthatyou’realreadyaskingmewhathappensafterwardisagoodsignit’sabadidea.
Becausewhathappensafterward,Freckles,isIusuallycallacabandgetthehellout.”
“Why?”
“Iguess…soIcanownthefactthatI’mjustaboutsex…beforetheydo.Allright?”hesaidinaburst.“I’dratherleaveinsteadofseeingthatlookonanyone’sfaceeveragain.Almostlike…Wow,howcute.Theprettyboythoughtthiswasmorethanaquickfuck.OwningwhoIamis
easierthangettinghitwiththeproofthatI’vebeenused.Noonegetstomakemefeelshitty.Andit’snotjustthewomenmakingmefeellikeajoke.
It’s…”
“Keepingtalking,”shesaid,forcingherselftotakeinthehardconfession,tokeeptreadingwaterforhimsohecouldletitallout.“Whoelsemakesyoufeelthatway?”
Ittookhimamomenttocontinue,hisgazepinnedstraightaheadontheroad.“WhenIgetatextoraphonecallinfrontofthecrew,ifIevenhintthatImightnotbeinterestedinwhateveremptyhookupisbeingthrownintomylap,theytreatmelikesomethingiswrongwithme.It’salwaysbeenlikethat.Themalepressuretoliveuptothisexpectation—andIdon’tevenknowwhenthehellitwasset.”
Heatpressedinbehindhereyes.Thiswasnotokay.Noneofitwasokay.
Butshewanted,needed,toknowthenameofeveryuglytruthswimmingaroundinsidehim.“It’swrongeverytimesomeonemakesassumptionsaboutwhatyoufeelorwant.Yousetyourownexpectationsforyourselfandthere’snothing…lessmasculineaboutsayingno,ifthat’swhatthey’reputtingonyou.Jesus.Ofcoursethereisn’t.”
Histhroatworkedlongandhard.Solongshewasn’tsurehewasgoingtorespond.“IfI’dmetyouincollege,Hannah,IcouldhaveexcusedtheshitIdidbefore.Chalkedituptowildoatsorsomething—andbeenyourman.
Throughandthrough.ButnowI’vejustbeendoingthissodamnlong
I’ve…pavedoverwhateverchanceIhadatacleanslate.I’vebecomewhatpeopleseemedtowantmetobe.I’veearnedmyreputation,andasgoodasyouare,assweetandfuckingwonderfulasyouare,Hannah,Idon’twanttobetheonethingyoufailat.Orthechoiceyouquestion.”Hecursedunderhisbreath,pushedrestlessfingersalongthebackofhisneck.
“Iwon’tkissyouagain.Ishouldn’thavedoneittonight.Iknowbetter.Ifweweren’tinterrupted…”
Whenhethrewthecarintopark,sherealizedtheywerealreadyoutsidehisbuilding,theoceanwhitecapsappearinganddisappearingacrosstheroad.
Silencedroppedlikeaknifeinthecar,nothingtofillitexceptthelapofwavesontherocksandtheiracceleratedbreathing.
“Evenifweweren’tinterruptedtonight,we’dstillbehavingthisconversation,”Hannahsaid.
Hewasalreadyshakinghishead.“Why?Whatareyoutryingtogetoutofthislittlechat?”Hismouthtwisted,andshesawsomethinginhisfaceshe’dneverseenbefore.Somethingshecouldn’tquitename.“Anyway,you’veobviouslygotthedirectorhookednow.”Hisswallowwasloudenoughtodrownoutthewaves.“Maybe…maybeyoushouldfocusonthat.Him.”
“Iturnedhimdown,”Hannahsaid.“Whenheaskedifwecouldgooutoncewe’rebackinLA,Isaidno.”
Itwasblatantlyobvioushowhardhetriedtohidehisrelief,butshesawit.Shesawitblarethroughhimlikeasiren,tensionmeltingfromhismuscles,hiseyes,hisjaw.Andsheknewthatunnamedemotionshe’dseenbeforehadbeenjealousy.“Well,”hesaid,stiffly,afterafewsecondshadtickedby.“Maybeyoushouldn’thavedonethat.Sexistheonlysatisfactionyoucangetfromme.”
“No.It’snot.”Hervoiceshook.“Igetsatisfactionfromholdingyourhand.Hearingyousing.Beingyourfriend—”
“Beingmyfriend?”Hescoffed.“Thenit’sagoodthingwe’renotgoingtofuck,becauseyou’djustbeanotherhookuptomeafterward.”
Hannahrecoiledlikeshe’dbeenslapped,shockandhurtpunchingaholeinherthroat.Blindly,shereachedforthepassenger-sidedoorhandleandpulled,throwingherselfoutofthecar.Ignoringhispanickedcallofhername,shetooktheoutsidestairsleadingtohissecond-floorapartmenttwoatatime,acceleratingwhensheheardhisstepspoundingbehindher.
Shereachedhisdoor,herhandsshakingasshetriedtolocatetheapartmentkeyinherpocket.Shefounditbutnevergotthechancetoslideitintothelock,becauseFoxwasbehindher,wrappinghertightlyinhisarms,drawingherbackagainsthischest.Hard.“Ididn’tmeanthat,”hesaidintoherhair,pressinghislipstothecrownofherhead.“Please,Freckles
YouneedtoknowIdidn’tmeanthat.”
Thingwas,shedidknow.
TherewasthepinkHimalayansaltlamp,hiddenrecordplayer,introducinghertohismother,singingtheshantyforher,offeringtodrivehertoSeattle.TheFleetwoodMacrecord.Sevenmonths’worthoftexts.
Eventhewayhewasholdinghernow,hisbreathracinginandout,likehe’dbreakdownifshestayedmad.Sheknewhedidn’tmeanthehurtful
thinghe’dsaid.Sheknew.Butthatdidn’tmeanhisdismissivewordsdidn’tsting.
HannahrealizedinthatmomentthatshecouldrunawayfromthepotentialhurtthatwouldcomefromfightingforFox.Orshecouldholdherground.Refusetobackdown.Whichwoulditbe?
Fight.Likealeadinglady.
Hewasworthit.
Evenifarelationshipbetweenthemwasn’tpossibleorcouldn’tworkout,shewasn’tgoingtoletthehideousbeliefsinsidehimfesterforever.
Sherefused.
Therewasn’talabelforwhattheyweretoeachother.Friendswhoburnedtosleeptogetherdidn’tquitecommunicatethegravityofwhatexistedbetweenthem,waitingtobeunearthed.Butsheknewthiswasn’taboutcuringhimorbeingthebestsupportingactress.Shewasn’tfallingintoapattern.Beingsupportive,asshe’ddonesomanytimesinthepast,waseasy.Soeasy.Aswasbeingontheperipheryandnotanactivepartofthenarrative.Butthistime,theconsequencesofheractionsinthisstorycoulddetermineherfuture.Notafriend’sandnothersister’s.
Hers.AndFox’s.
Didtheycontinuetheirstorytogetherorapart?
Shecouldn’timaginethelatter.Notforthelifeofher.Unfortunately,thatdidn’tmeanhefeltthesame.Evenifhedid,arelationshipcouldbetoomuchtohopeforatthisstage.Theycouldendupfriendsonly—thatwasarealpossibility.Onethatmadeherstomachsinktothefloor.Makingthedecisiontobetheonewhopushedforafuturetogetherwasscary.
Terrifying.Itmadefailureandrejectionapossibility.Hewasworthfightingfor,though.IfanythingforcedHannahtodiginandremainstrong,itwastheneedtoprovethattoFox.Tomakehimbelieveinhimself.
Evenifitbenefittedsomeothergirlsomeday—andnother.Shewasunselfishenoughtoshowhimwhatwaspossible.Thatlettingsomeoneelseindidn’thavetobescary.Shecoulddothat,couldn’tshe?
HannahtookadeepbreathforcourageandturnedinFox’sarms.Sheonlycaughtafleetingglimpseofhistorturedeyesbeforeliftinguponhertoesandmoldingtheirlipstogether.Kissinghim.
Momentarilysurprised,ittookhimafewsecondstoparticipate,butwhenhedid,itwaswithgusto.Heletoutabroken,surrenderingmoaninto
hermouth,stumblingforwardandpressingHannahagainstthedoor,hishandsliftingtoframeherface,theirmouthsmovingtogetherfeverishlyinpromiseandapology.
BreakingawaybeforeitwenttoofarmighthavebeenthehardestthingHannahhadeverdoneinherlife,butshemanagedit,endingthekissandrubbingherforeheadagainstFox’s,shakenbythethrobofenergybetweenthem.
“I’llseeyouinthemorning,”shewhisperedagainsthismouth.
Turningfromhisdazedexpression,sheletherselfintotheapartmentandbeelinedfortheguestroom.Sheclosedherselfinsideandsliddownthebackofthedoor,endinginapoolofhormonesandresolveonthefloor.
Bettergetsomesleep.Foxandhisdeeplyrooteddoubtswouldstillbetherewhenthesuncameup.MaybeifshehadmoretimeinWestport,shecouldchiselawayatthemlittlebylittle.Hopehe’deventuallyrealizehewascapableofahealthycommitment.Shewasrunningshortontime,though.Heronlyoptionwastoworkwiththedaysshehadremaining.
Tonighthe’dtoldherhismodusoperandiwastoleavebeforeanywomancoulddemeanhim.Well,Hannahwasn’tgoingtoallowthat.Shecouldshowupaftertheirargument,afterthehurtfulwordsandrevelations,andprovetheirrelationshipwasresilient.Thathecouldbepartofsomethingstrongerthanthepullofthepast.Thatshecouldlookhimintheeyeandrespecthimandcare.Shecouldshowup,period.Thatwaswhatshe’dbeendoingallalong,perhapssubconsciously,andshewasn’tgettingoffcoursenow.HopefullyshewouldleaveFoxwiththebelief,thepossibility,ofmore.
Thecourageandconfidencetotryagain.
Hannah’seyeslandedonthefolderofseashantiesrestingonherbed.
Yes,tomorrowshe’dfight,inmorewaysthanone.
ChapterNineteen
Foxstoodatthestove,spatulainhand,hisgazefastenedtothedooroftheguestroom,everycellinhisbodyonhighalert.Whowasgoingtowalkoutthatdoor?Or,moreimportantly,whatwashergame?
He’dbarelysleptatalllastnight,replayingthedrivehome.Everywordshe’dsaid,themeaningbehindthatkissoutsidetheapartment.Whatthehellwassheplayingat?He’dtoldher,plainasday,thattheyweren’tgoingtobedtogether.Thatsheshouldstickwithherdirector,becausenothingmorethanfriendshipcouldcomefromthisthingbetweenthem.
Whydidallthosestatementsseemsoemptynow?
Probablybecauseifshewalkedoutoftheguestroomatthismomentandkissedhim,hewoulddroptohiskneesandweepwithgratitude.
I’mwrappedaroundherlittlefinger
Heneededtounwraphimself.Fast.
Didn’the?
Herehewas,makingherpancakes,moreapologiesfortheinexcusablethinghe’dsaidtoherlastnightcrammeduptightbehindhiswindpipe.
Thenit’sagoodthingwe’renotgoingtofuck,becauseyou’djustbeanotherhookuptomeafterward
Christ,hedidn’tdeservetoliveafterlyinglikethat.
Orbetteryet,hediddeservetolivewiththeexpressiononherfaceafterwardandtheknowledgethathe’dputitthere.Scumbag.Howdarehe?
Howdarehesaypoisonousshitlikethattothisgirlwho,perhapsunwisely,gaveadamnabouthim?
He’dspentalongtimetryingtoavoidthebelittlingexpressiononawoman’sfacewhensheimpliedhewasahallpassorameaninglessdiversion.TheoneMelindahadallthoseyearsagowhilelyinginbedwith
hisbestfriend.He’dneverthoughtaboutseeingthatlookonHannah’sface
—notuntillastnight.Notuntilhe’dconfessedeverythingtoherandhispasthadnearlycrowdedhimoutofthecar.
IfHannaheverlookedathimlikethat,shemightaswellslicetheheartrightoutofhischest.Melinda’sbetrayalwouldbelaughablecomparedtowhatHannah’sdisappointmentordismissalwoulddotohim.Eventhepossibilityhadcausedhimtostrikefirst.Tosaysomethingtopushherawayandprotecthimselfintheprocess
God.He’dhurther.
Andshemighthaveexpressedthatpain,but…she’dforgivenhimwiththatkiss.
Thatpurposeful,no-holding-backkiss.
Whichbroughthimbacktohiscurrentworry.Whowouldwalkoutoftheguest-roomdoor?HisbestgirlHannah?OrHannahwithaplan?
Becausethatkisslastnight,theonethatturnedhisdickintoastonemonument,hadresolvebehindit.She’dstrokedhistonguewithoutanyhesitation.Likeshewantedhimtoknowshemeantit.Shewasallin.Andthatterrifiedhimasmuchasit…
Teasedhopetolifeinhischest.
Dangerous,stupidhopethatmadehimaskquestionslikeWhatif?
Whatifhejustputhisheaddownanddealtwiththelackofrespectfromhiscrew?Tookonsomeoftheresponsibilitieshetriedsohardtoavoid?
BecausesomeoneworthyofHannahwouldneedtoberesponsible.Nothim.Right?Just…someone.Whoeveritwas.Hecouldn’thaveanapartmenttotallylackingincharacterorcomforts.Hewouldneedtohaveupwardmobilityinhisjob.Likegoingfromareliefskippertothecaptain.
Butthatwasjustanexample,becausehewasn’treferringtohimself.
Hewasn’t.
Foxnoddedfirmlyandflippedthepancakeonthegriddle,approximately4.8secondspassingbeforehisattentionsnuckbacktothedoortowatchtheshadowsmoveunderneath.Howridiculoustomisssomeonehe’donlyseenthenightbefore.Startingtomorrow,he’dbeontheboatforfivedays.Ifhemissedherafteronenightapart,120hoursweregoingtobeprettydamninconvenient.Maybeheshouldpracticeblockingtheemotionnow.
Youdon’tmissher
Heexaminedthechurninginhischest.
Well,thathadn’tworked.
“Hannah,”hecalled,hisvoicesoundingunnatural.“Breakfast.”
Theshadowsstoppedmovingbriefly,startedagain.“Cominginasec.”
Foxletoutabreath.
Great.Theyweregoingtopretendlikelastnightneverhappened.Theyweregoingtoactlikehehadn’tspilledtheinsecuritieshe’dharboredforthemajorityofhislife.Likeheneverrevealedtheseeminglywell-naturedridiculehereceivedfromthecrew.They’dkissedbeforeandgottenoverit.
Thiswouldbenodifferent.
Whywasthechurninhischestgettingworse?
Maybe…hedidn’twantthemtogetoverit.
WhenHannahwalkedoutofthebedroom,Fox’sspatulapausedinmidairandhesuckedupthesightofherlikeavacuumcleaner.
Nobuntoday.Herhairwasdown.Smooth,likeshe’dusedoneofthoseironsonit.Andsheworeashort,looseolive-greendressinsteadofherusualjeans.Earrings.Suedeblackbootsthatreachedallthewayuptoherknees,makingthosehintsofvisiblethighslooklikedessert.
Ishouldhavejackedoff
ItwashardenoughtobearoundHannahordinarily.SpendingthedaywithherinSeattledressedforeasyaccess?Torture.Hewouldn’tbeabletoblinkwithoutseeingtheanklesofthosebootscrossedatthesmallofhisback.
Thesmellofburningblastedhimbacktothepresent.Great.He’ddecimatedthepancake.Turneditalmosttotallyblackwhileoglingthegirlwhowasmakinghimconsiderbuyingsomethrowpillowsandwindowtreatments.
“Hey,”shesaid,tuggingononeofherearrings.
“Hey,”hereturned,pickinguptheburnedpancakewithhisfingersandthrowingitinthetrash,pouringfreshbatterontothepan.“Youlooknice.”
AndI’dliketothrowyoudownonthecouchanddevouryou
“Thankyou.”
Foxhatedthetensionhangingbetweenthem.Itdidn’tbelong.Sohesearchedforawaytodispelit.“Howlatedidyoustayupmakingaroad-tripplaylist?”
“Toolate,”sheansweredwithouthesitation,wincing.“Youcan’treallyblameme,though.We’regoingtoarecordingstudiointhegrungecapitaloftheworld.I’moverstimulated.”Sheslidontooneofthestoolsinfrontofthekitchenislandandproppedherchinonafist.“Sorry,babe.You’regoingtobesicktodeathofNirvanaandPearlJambythisafternoon.”
That“babe”hungintheairlikenapalm,andhealmostburnedasecondpancake.Sheproceededtoscrollthroughherphone,asiftheendearmenthadneverlefthermouth,whileitkickedhiminthestomachoverandoveragain.He’dcalledher“babe”before,too,butneverlikethis.Neverjust…
acrossthekitchenislandinthebroaddaylightwiththesmellofwarmsyrupintheair.Itwashomey.Itmadehimfeellikeonehalfofacouple.
Wasthisherplan?Towalkouthereafterhisuglybehaviorlastnightand…stay?Notjustinhisapartment,butwithhim.Theirbondintact.
Unwavering.Becausethefactthatshekneweverypartofhim,insideandout,andshewasstillsittingthere…itwashavinganeffect.Thereliefandgratitudethathithimwashuge.Welcoming.Anditwascausinghimphysicalpainnottoholdherrightnow.Callher“babe,”too,andgiveheragood-morningsnuggle.Asktohearaboutherdreams.Lastnightatbingo,he’dslippedintotheroleofboyfriend,anditwaskindofscaryhowgoodithadfelt.Toholdherhandandlaughandlethisguarddown.
Themorehethoughtofthatfinalkisslastnight,themoreitfeltlikeapromise.Thatshewasn’tgivinguponhim?Or…thepossibilityofthem?
Hadheactuallysaidthewords“Iwon’tkissyouagain”?
Likeactuallysaidthem?
Thatpromisesoundedabsolutelyridiculoustohiminthelightofday
Especiallywhenshetookabiteofthepancakehe’dmade,makingahuskylittlesoundofpleasureatthetaste,herfingerdraggingapaththroughthesyruponherplateanddippingintohermouth.Suckingonitgreedily.
Wasithazardoustooperateamotorvehiclewithadickthishard?
“Iseewhatyou’redoing,Hannah.”
Sheglancedup,startled,thepictureofinnocence.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Thedress.Callingme‘babe.’Thefingersucking.You’retryingtoseducemeintothinking…thiskindofmorningthingcouldbenormalforme.”
“Isitworking?”sheasked,eyesmomentarilyseriousasshetookanotherbite.
Hecouldn’tanswer.Couldn’tdoanythingbutpictureHannahsittingthereeverysinglemorning.Indefinitely.Knowingshe’dbethere.Knowingshewantedtobethere.
Withhim.
“Mightbe,yeah,”headmittedhoarsely.
Obviouslystartledbyhisconfession,shepausedmid-chew,swallowingwithvisibledifficulty.Takingamomenttorecoverwhiletheystaredateachotheroverthecounter.“That’sokay,”shesaidquietly.“That’sgood.”
Hehadthesudden,overwhelmingurgetogolayhisheaddowninherlap.Tosurrenderhiswill,whichwasthinningbythemoment,andletherdowithhimwhatshewould.He’dwokenupwiththeintentionofstayingstrong,committedtorememberingallthereasonsthatbeingonehalfofacouplewithHannahwasnotinthecards.They’dalmostescapedthisvisitunscathed.Hannah,mostimportantly.Lessthanaweektogo—andhewouldbefishingformostofit.Givingherfalsehopenowcouldleadtoherbeinghurtandhewouldrathertieananchortohisfootandjumpoverboard.
Hisresolvewasalreadyweakening,though.
Thewhat-ifswerebecomingmoreandmorefrequent.
TherewasstillastubbornvoiceinthebackofFox’shead,tellinghimshedeservedbetterthansomeresponsibility-freetrampwhohadbeenbedhoppingsincehewasinhighschool.Butitwasgrowingmoreandmoresubduedinthefaceofher…commitmenttohim.Isthatwhatitwas?Allhiscardswereonthetable.He’dtakenoffalayerofskinlastnightandexposedhimself.Yethereshesat,notbudging.Justbeingthere.Rightalongsideofhim.Permanent.Andhewasstartingtorealizethecommitmentalreadyranbothways.He’dformeditlongbeforenow.ForHannah,hadn’the?Somewherealongtheline,he’dstartedthinkingofHannahashis.Notjusthisfriendorgirlfriendorsexualfantasy.His…
everything.
Andassoonasheadmittedthattohimselfhe…burnedanotherpancake.Butmostimportantly,thesensethatshebelongedtohim—thattheybelongedtoeachother—tookroot.
Whichexplainedwhy,afewhourslaterwhentheywalkedintotherecordingstudioandseveralbandmemberslookedHannahoverwith
interest,Foxwrappedanarmaroundhershouldersandalmostgrowled,Backoff,she’staken
Thismanwasfullyoverboard.
***
Hannah’sgirl-crushonAlanaWilderwasinstantaneous.
TheleadsingeroftheUnreliableswasintherecordingboothwhentheyenteredReflectionStudio,thesoundofherthroatypurrelectrifyingtheairandholdingHannahinthrall.Sheapproachedtheglassasifhypnotized,skinpricklingwithexcitement,alreadyimaginingHenry’swordsbeltedouttothemassesfromthecurvyredhead’sthroat.
Beforeshecouldliftahandtotheglass,asiftotouchthemusic,Fox’swarmthsurroundedher,hispalmrubbingupanddownherbarearm.
Tinglesspeareddowntohertoes,hairfolliclessighingincontentment.Ohdear.She’dbeenwrongbefore.Travelingtogrungeheaventorecordademowasn’toverstimulating.
Thiswas.
Withawarenesscoilinginherbelly,HannahtiltedherheadbacktolookatFoxquestioninglyandfoundhisirritatedgazefocusedonsomethingbesidesthewomanbeltingoutlyricslikeshewasbornintomagic.
Hannahfollowedhislineofsightandfoundacouchoccupiedbythreemusicians,oneholdingaguitar,thesecondwithabassrestingsidewaysinhislap,thethirdwithafiddlethatlookedlikeithadseenbetterdays.
“Areyouthegirlfromtheproductioncompany?”askedthefiddleplayer.
“Yes.”Sheextendedahandandwalkedtowardthetrio,findingherselfmovingintandemwithFox,whosetouchnowrestedonthesmallofherback.“Er…I’mHannahBellinger.Nicetomeetyou.”
Sheshookhandswiththeguitarandbassplayers,notingtheylookedkindofamusedbythefactthatFoxwastoweringbehindherlikeabodyguard.
“Wow,”Hannahbreathed,tippingherheadattherecordingbooth.
“She’sincredible.”
“Isn’tshe?”Thisfromthebassplayer,whosevoiceheldahintoftheCaribbean.“We’rejustherefordecoration.”
“Oh,I’msurethat’snottrue.”Shelaughed.
“We’lllosethatjob,too,nowthatyou’rehere.”Thefiddleplayerstood,takingherhandandkissingherknuckles.“You’redefinitelyeasierontheeyesthanusuglybastards.”
Fox’scomicallyforcedlaughterlastedfivesecondslongerthantherestoftheirs.
Hannahturnedandraisedaneyebrowathimoverhershoulder.
Whatiswrongwithyou?
Seemingtorealizethespectaclehewasmakingofhimself,hecoughedintoafistandcrossedhisarms,butremainedclose.Washejealous?
Ifshewasn’tsoshocked,shemighthavebeen…thrilled?Lastnight,she’ddonealotmorethanworkonthegrungeplaylisttoendallgrungeplaylists.Whileselectingsongs,herdeterminationtofighttochangeFox’smindabouthimselfhadonlybuilt.Shewasn’tgoingbacktoLosAngeleswithouthimknowinghecouldbemorethansomebeautifuljoke.Amanwhoeveryoneexpectedtofulfillsomebullshitdestinysimplybecausehecould.Nothappening.
Andmaybethefactthathecouldfeeljealouswasanindirectsignofprogress?Maybebeingjealousoverherwouldprovetohimhecouldwanttogetseriouswith…someoneelsesomeday?
If,forinstance,heandHannahweren’tmeanttobe.
Hannahignoredthehorribleburninginherbreastandturnedbackaround.“HaveyouhadachancetolookatthesongsIsentoverlastnight?”
“Wehave.Beenburningthemidnightoilworkingonarrangements.”
“You’llbehappywiththem,”thebassplayersaid,definitively,amusician’sarroganceonfulldisplay.“Noquestion.”
Thefiddleplayergaveheralookthatwashalfchagrin,halfapologyforhisbandmate.“SoonasAlanaisdoneinthere,we’llrunthroughtheshanties,makesureitallworksforyou.”
Shesmiled.“Thatwouldbegreat,thankyou.”
Thetriowentbacktotheirconversation,andHannahreturnedtotheglasstowatchAlana,Foxcomingupbesideher.“Whatwasthat?”shewhisperedathim.
“Whatwaswhat?”
“You’rebeingweird.”
“I’mbeinghelpful.Theywerelookingatyoulikeaten-tierbirthdaycakejustwalkedinthedoor.”Hewasn’tquitesucceedinginpullingoffacasualtone,anagitatedhandliftingtoscrubatthebristleonhisjaw.
“Musiciansarebadnews—everyoneknowsthat.Nowthey’llleaveyoualone.You’rewelcome.”
Hannahnodded,pretendingtotakehimseriously.“Isee.”Afewsecondsofsilencepassed.“Thanksfortheconsideration,butnothanks.Idon’tneedyourunninginterference.Ifoneofthemisinterested,I’lldealwithitmyself.”
Nowhiseyeticced.“Dealwithithow?”
“Bydecidingyesorno.I’mcapableofdoingthatonmyown.”
Foxstudiedherasifthroughamicroscope.“Whyareyoudoingthistome?”
Hannahexhaledalaugh.“Doingwhat?Callingyourbluff?”Hisjawlookedreadytoshatter,hiseyesrevealingahintofmisery.“Ifyou’rejealous,Fox,”shesaidquietly,“justsayyou’rejealous.”
Conflictingemotionswagedawaronhisface.Caution.Frustration.Andthenhevisiblygaveupthebattle,standinginfrontofhernakedwithhonesty.“I’mjealousasfuck.”Heseemedtobehavingahardtimegettingbreathintohislungs.“You’re…myHannah,youknow?”
Shetriedveryhardnottotrembleormakeashowofwhatwashappeninginsideher.ButtherewasaFerriswheelturningatmaxspeedinherstomach.Didhereallyjustsaythatoutloud?Nowthathehad,nowthatitwasoutthere,shecouldn’tdisagree.She’dbeenhisformonths.Don’tfreakoutandputhimbackonguard
Instead,shewentuponhertoes.“Yeah.Iknow,”shewhisperedagainsthismouth.
Foxletoutarelievedbreath,hiscolorreturninggradually.Helookedlikehewasrightontheedgeofmakinganotheradmission,sayingevenmore,hischestrisingandfalling.Hewethislips,hisgazerakingoverherface.Butbeforehecouldsayaword,thedooroftheboothwaskickedopenandoutcameAlana,stompingintotheloungearea.“Allright,folks.”Sheclappedherhandstwice.“Let’stalkshantiesbeforethesetwostartmakingout,yeah?”
***
DealingwithherimpostersyndromeontheheelsofFox’sadmissionwasnosmalltask.Hannahfeltpulledinseveraldirections,acutelyawareofthemanstationedlikeapillaratherside,hisexposedenergyvibratinglikearawnerve,whilealsodeterminedtowatchherartisticvisioncometolife.
Whowasshetogiveanopiniononmusicalarrangements?
Butafterthethirdtake,therewassomethingnotworkingabouttherefrainin“ASeafarer’sBounty.”Itfellhorizontalinthemiddle,andasalistener,herinterestflatlined,too,whenitshouldhavebeenabsorbed.Thebandseemedsatisfiedwiththeirangle,and,man,theyweresogood.Waybetterthansheshouldhaveexpectedonshortnotice.Whynotjustbegratefulandmoveon?
ShestoodbesideFoxinthecornerofthecontrolroom,listeningtothesong’splaybackoverthespeaker,whileontheothersideoftheglass,thebandwasvisiblypreparingtostartthenextsong.Runningthroughthelinesindividually.
Couldshejustinterrupttheprocesswithanopinionthatmightbetotallywrong?
“Justtellthemwhat’sbotheringyou,”Foxwhisperedinherear,layingalingeringkissonhertemple.“You’llregretitifyoudon’t.”
“Howcanyoutellsomethingisbotheringme?”
Hestudiedherface,almostseeminglikehewasbattlingtheweightofhisaffection,nearlymakingHannah’slegsliquify.“Yougetthisexpressiononyourfacewhenyoulistentomusic,likeyou’retryingtoclimbinsideit.
Rightnow,itlookslikethedoorislockedandyoucan’tgetin.”
“Yeah,”shewhispered,anachemovinginherbreast.Unabletosaymore.
Foxnoddedather,hisownvoicestrainedwhenhesaid,“Kickitdown,Hannah.”
Adrenalinerippledupthroughherfingertips,alongwithawhite-cappedwaveofgratitude.Urgencyrushedinandshedidn’thesitateasecondlonger.Approachingthemicrophonethatextendedupfromthemixingdesk,shepressedthebuttontotalk.“Alana.Guys.Therefrainon‘ASeafarer’sBounty.’Whenwegetto‘tradethewindforher,’canwepauseandembellishalittle?Howdoyoufeelaboutdrawingouttheword‘wind’
onafour-partharmony?”
“Makeitsoundlikethewind,”Alanacalledback,foreheadwrinklinginthought.“Ilikethat.Let’srunthroughit.”
Hannahletgoofthetalkbuttonandexhaledinarush,exhilarationcoastingdownfromthecrownofherhead,downtoherfeet.Whensheleanedback,sheknewshewouldlandagainstFox’swarmchest,theirfingersweavingtogetherjustlikethemusic,rivalingthethrilloftheband’snextversionof“ASeafarer’sBounty.”
She’dbeenright.Thatoneadditionanditsoared.
Afterthat,thedaywasnothingshortofafairytale.
InnowaydidtheUnreliablesliveuptotheirname.InHannah’shead,theywouldhenceforthbecalledtheReliables,butshesensedthey’dbeoffendedifshelegitimizedthem,soshekeptittoherself.
SittingbesideFoxonanoldloveseat,shelistenedtothebandsingherfather’ssongsabouttheocean,tradition,sailing,home.Atonepoint,Foxleftandcamebackwithtissuesandonlythendidsherealizehereyeshadgonemisty.
Itsoundedlikeacliché,buttheybroughtthewordstolife,madethemcurlanddanceontopofthepage,infusingthemwithsorrowandoptimismandstrife.
Alanaseemedtofeeleverynote,asifshe’dknownHenrypersonally,andlivedthroughthetriumphsandtragediesofhissongswithhim.Herbandanticipatedherandadjustedonthefly,boostingher,supportingherasshewove.Magic.Thatwashowitfelttotakepartinthecreativeprocess.
Asanobsessivelistenerofmusic,Hannahhadbenefittedfromthatkindofinventivenesssinceshecouldremember,tuckedawayintheworldsturninginsideherheadphones,butshe’dalwaystakenitforgranted.Shecouldn’tseeherselfdoingthateveragain.
Theyorderedlunchintothestudio,thebandmemberstellingHannahandFoxstoriesfromtheroad.AtleastuntiltheyfoundoutFoxwasakingcrabfishermanandthenalltheywantedwerehisstories.Andhedelivered.
BrushinghisthumbupanddownthebaseofHannah’sspine,herecountedtheclosecalls,theworststormhe’deverseen,andthepranksthecrewplayedoneachother.
Onthenexttake,therewasevenmoreflavortoAlana’svocals.HannahandFoxwatchedithappenfromoutsidethebooth,hisarmsettlingaroundhershouldersandpullingherclose.Heperformedtheactionasiftestingit,
testingthemboth,andthenonecornerofhismouthedgedup,hisholdtighteningwithmoreconfidence.
“Yourstoriesdidthat,”Hannahmanaged,noddingatAlana,thenlookingupatFoxtofindhimstaringbackdownather.“Doyouhearthatnoteofdangerinhervoice?Youinspiredher.Thesongisrichernowbecauseofyou.”
Foxstaredbackatherstunned,thenmovedinslowlytolayakissonherlips.Withthesidesoftheirbodiespressedtogether,theyletthemusicwashoverthem.
Hannahwantedtostayandlistentothemrecordtheentiredemo,butFoxhadtoleaveinthemorning,sotheypartedwayswitharoundofhugs,well-wishesontheirtour,andapromisetohavethedigitalrecordingfilestoHannahthenextday.Shedidn’trealizeherfingerswereintertwinedwithFox’suntiltheywerehalfwaytohiscar.Overhead,cloudswerebeginningtothickenintheearlyeveningsky,astheywerewonttodoinSeattle,passersbyonthesidewalkscarryingumbrellasinpreparationforthemoisturecollectingintheatmosphere.
Theirearlierconversationcamebacktoherinstarkclarity,andthethoughtfulexpressiononFox’sfacesuggestedhewasthinkingaboutitaswell.Wouldtheypickupwheretheyleftoff?
Doubtful.Hewouldpretenditneverhappened.Kindoflikethismorningwhenhe’dtriedtoglossoverthegravityoftheprioreveningbymakingpancakesandgreetingheroh-so-casually.
Foxhitthebuttononhiskeyringtounlockthecardoor,openingthepassengersideforHannah.Beforeshecouldletgoofhishandandclimbin,heheldfast,keepingherupright.
“Ifyou’reupforadetour…”hesaid,twistingoneofherflyawaysaroundhisfingersandtuckingitbehindherear.“There’ssomewhereIwanttobringyou.”
Hisfacewassoclose,hiseyessobreathtakinglyblue,herbodysoattunedtohissizeandwarmthandmasculinescent,thatifheaskedhertoswimtoRussiawithhim,she’dhavevowedtogiveittheoldcollegetry.
“Okay,”shemurmured,trustinghimahundredpercent.“Let’sgo.”
ChapterTwenty
Foxhadalwayspridedhimselfonnottakinganythingseriously.
Thememoryofhisfailedreinventionburnedinthecenterofhischestlikeacattlebrand,sohe’dspentyearsdoublingdown,leaningintoanidentitythatperhapsburnedhimevenworse,butatleasthecouldbegoodatit.Itwaswhateveryoneexpected,andtherewouldn’tbeanymorepainfulsurprises.
Andnowhewasgoingtoopenupwide,exposehimselftoallmannerofoutcomeshecouldn’tcontrol.BecausehewasinlovewithHannah.Stupid,hot-under-the-collar,pulse-trippinglovethatcrowdedhischestandthrobbedinhisfingertips.Mightaswellfaceit,he’dstartedstumblinglastsummer,andnow?Nowhewasflatonhisasswithcanariestakinglapsaroundhishead.
Helovedherhumor,hertenacityandbravery,thewayshedefendedthepeopleshelovedlikeasoldierinbattle.Helovedthefactthatshedidn’tshyawayfromthetoughsubjects,eventhoughtheyscaredhiminthemoment.Herironwill,thewaysheclosedhereyesandmouthedsonglyricsliketheywerebaptizingher.Herface,herbody,herscent.She’dinfiltratedhim,becomeapartofhimbeforehe’drealizedwhatwashappening,andnow…
Hedidn’twantherout.Hewantedtostaylockedinhergoodness.
AndJesusChrist,hemightaswellbewalkingonatightropeacrosstheGrandCanyon.Inhisexperience,theonlythingthatcamefromreachingpasthiscapabilitieswasfailure.Gettingslappeddownandsentbacktothebeginning.Butasthey’dsatintherecordingstudio,Hannahleaningintohisside,asifshebelongedtohim—ithadfeltsodamngood—he’dstartedtowonderagain…whatif.Whatif.
ShewassettoreturntoLAsoon,soheneededtoanswerthatquestion.
Orhewasgoingtowakeuponemorningandputheronabusoutofhislife,andtheveryideaofthatcoveredhisskininice.
Drivinguptothesecuritygateandhandingatwenty-dollarbilltotheguard,hestilldidn’thaveanendingtothewhat-ifquestion.ButhedidhaveabsolutefaithinHannah’sabilitytodrawitoutofhim,ifhelether.Ifhetrulydroppedthelastofhisdefenses,she’dguidehimthere.Becauseshewasthemostextraordinary,loving,intelligentbeingonearth,andhecaredabouthersomuchitsometimesstolehisabilitytothinkstraight.
“Whereareyoutakingme?”Shesplitalookbetweenhimandthewindshield,thegreeneryrollingpastoneitherside,drapedintwilight.“Ilovesurprises.PiperthrewmeasurprisepartywhenIturnedtwenty-oneandIhadtolockmyselfinthebathroombecausemynonstoptearsofjoywereembarrassingeveryone.”
Fox,havinganeasytimepicturingthat,smiled.“Whatisitthatyoulovesomuchaboutthem?”
Shetuggedthehemofherdressdown,drawinghiseye.“Thefactthatsomeonethoughtaboutme,Iguess.Wantedmetofeelspecial.”Shebitherlipandglancedoverathimfromthecornerofhereye.“Ibetyouhatethem,don’tyou?”
“No.”Normallyhemighthaveleftitatthat,buthewasn’tbeingcharmingorelusiveoreasytonight.Hewastakingthewordsinthebackofhismindandlettingthemoutofhismouth.Startingnow.Andeverytimehebalked,he’dthinkofputtingHannahonabus.Hemightnothaveasolutioninmind,sincekeepingherinWestport—justforhim?—seemedlikeastretch,butwhenheletHannahknowhisthoughts,healwaysfeltclosertoherafterward,alwaysfeltbetter,sohecouldn’tgowrongwiththat.“You’reasurprise,Hannah.HowcouldIhatethem?”Heclearedhisthroathard.“Evenfamiliar…you’reaconstantsurprise.”
Silencetickedbyslowly.“That’sabeautifulthingtosay.”
Morewordswerepressingupagainsttheinsideofhisthroat,wantingtogetout,buttheactualsurprisewascomingintoviewupaheadandhewantedtoseeherreaction.“Anyway.We’llseeifwecankeepthecryingtoaminimumtonight.”Heputthecarintoparkseveralyardsfromtheartinstallation,circlingaroundthebackbumpertoopenherdoor,offeringhishand.“Comeon,Freckles.”
Hersmoothfingersslippedintohis,afurrowformingbetweenherbrowsasshetookinthegiantsteeltowers,LakeWashingtonspreadoutbehindthem.Atthistimeofday,theyweretheonlyonesthere,givingtheattractionkindofalonely,abandonedfeeling.Ironicsincehe’dneverfeltlesslonelyinhislife.Leastofallwhileholdingherhand.“Whatisthisplace?”
“It’stheSoundGarden,”saidFox,guidinghertowardthewater.“Thetowersweredesignedsothatwhenthewindhitsthem,theyplaymusic.”
FoxstudiedHannah’sface,watchedittransformwithwonderwhensheheardthefirsthowlingnotetravelthroughthetowers,thehauntingmelodythatsomehowsoftenedtheair,thickeningitliketheywereinsideasnowglobe,theirsurroundingsmovingslowly.Thewhitecaps,theclouds,eventheshiftofherhairallseemedtotravelatadifferent,morelanguidpace.
UnlikeFox’sheart,whichwasbeatingoutofhischest.
“OhmyGod.”Afinesheenformedinhereyes.“Ican’tbelievethisisjust…here.AndIknewnothingaboutit?Fox,it’s…incredible.”Aloudwhistleofsoundwhippedintheair,andsheclosedhereyes,laughing.
“Thankyou.Wow.”
Hestareddownattheirlinkedfingers,anditgavehimthestrengthheneededtoleap.“Iwantedtobringyouherelastsummer.Thatweekendwewenttotherecordconvention.ButIwasafraidtosuggestit.”
Sheopenedhereyesandstudiedhim.“Afraid?Why?”
Foxshruggedashoulder.“You’dcometoWestportforyoursister.Suchaselflessthingtodo,workingonthebarandlivinginthatdustylittleapartmentand…youdeservedadayjustforyou.I’dalreadyspentsomuchtimesearchingforthatconvention,findingsomethingyoumightenjoy,though.IgotworriedthatshowingyoutheSoundGardenontopoftheexpomightmakehowIfeltobvious.Mighttipmyhand.”
TherewasneverasightmorebeautifulthanHannahstandingontheshorewiththesunsetmakingherglow,thewindteasingstrandsofhairacrosshermouth.“‘Tipyourhand,’”sherepeatedwithablink.
Keepgoing.Confesseverylastword
ThinkofHannahgettingonabusbacktoLA
“Ihaditbadforyou.Iftheconventiondidn’tmakeitobvious,IthoughtforsuretheFleetwoodMacalbumwoulddoit.”Hisvoicestumbled.“I’vegotitsobadforyou,Hannah.Really”—heblewoutabreath—“reallybad.
Itriedtokeepyououtofhere.”Heknockedhisfreefistagainsthischest.
“Butyouwon’tgo.You’renevergoingtogo.Youjustwon’t.”
“Fox…”shemurmuredhaltingly,hertoneweavinginseamlesslywiththehowlingofthetowers.“Whyisitbad?”
“God,Hannah.WhatifI’mnotwhatyouneed?Whatifeveryoneknowsitbutyou?Whatifyourealizeit’strueandIhaveyou…thenloseyou?
Thatwouldfuckingkillme.Idon’tknowwhattodo—”
“I’vegotitreally,reallybadforyou,too.”
Theoxygeninhislungsevacuatedinarush,leavinghisthunderingheartinitswake.“Ifyou’dgoneoutwithSergei,Iwouldhavefuckinglostit,Freckles.Youknowthat?I’dhavebeggedyouonmyhandsandkneesnottogoanywherewithhim.I’vebeengoingcrazywaitingforyoutocallmybluff—”
“Iwouldn’thavegone.”Herholdtightenedonhishand.“Itwasonlyameaninglesscrush,buteventhat…eventhatwentaway.AndIjusthungontotheideaofit,soIwouldn’thavetoadmitthatIknew.Iknewexactlywhyyouleftthatalbumforme.”
Hisbodyalmostbuckledundertherelief,butheclungtohiscaution.
“Andwhatitmeantscaredyou.Itshould.Ishouldscareyou,Hannah.Idon’tknowhowtodothis.”Hedugthroughthecobwebsinhischesttofindthetruthforher.“I’vegottenusedtothewayeveryonethinksofmeasthis…thisfuckingreprobate.Someonewholivestogettheirrocksoff.Agoodtimeandnothingmore.Butif…Hannah,IsweartoGod,Ican’thandlethemdoubtingmycharacterwhenitcomestoyou.Itwouldbreakme.Doyouunderstand?TohavepeoplewaitingandwonderingwhenI’mgoingtoscrewitallup.ThatIcouldn’thandle.Tohaveyournamespokenwithsympathybecauseyou’rewithme.Icanalreadyhearthem.She’soutofhermind.He’llneversettledown.He’snotaone-womanman.I’llwanttodiehearingthemsaythatshit.It’stheoneformofridiculeIcan’ttake.
Whenit’sattachedtoyou.”
Herchestroseandfelllikeshe’djustswumeightmiles.“Fox,ifweweretogether,mytrustwouldbetheonlytrustthatmatters.Andyouwouldhaveit.Iknowwhoyouare.Ifotherpeoplehaven’tlookedcloselyenough,that’stheirflaw.Theirdilemma.Notours.”
Heswallowedafist-sizedobstruction.“You’dtrustme?”
“Yes.”
Thefactthatshelookedpissedathimforevenaskingmadehisthroatcloseup,floodedhimwithsomuchadoration,healmostchokedonit.“Idon’tknowwhattryinglookslikeforus.IjustknowthatIwantto.”
“Oh,Fox,”shewhispered,bringingthemchesttochestandpressingclose,layingacoolpalmagainsthischeek.“We’vebeentryingthiswholetime.”
Therewasnowaytokeephimselffromkissingherafterthat.
Withhisheartrupturingandrepairingonrepeatinhisribcage,Foxdroppedhismouthdownontopofhersandbeggedherwithhistongueandlipstosavehimfromthemiddleoftheoceanwherehe’dbeenexistingwithoutherforsolong.
***
Foxcameonlikeastorm.
Hannahstillhadn’tquitemanagedtocatchherbreathafterallthatwassaid,andshedefinitelywasn’tgoingtogetthechancenow.Hislidwasoff,therewasnothingleftbetweenthem,and,God,shewassogladshe’dforcedherselftowaituntiltherighttimetoletthedambreak.
Theirkisswashonestandrawandunquenchable,asrealastherainstartingtofallaroundthem,soakingintotheearth,windhowlingthroughthegardenstructures,trappingtheminthecenterofaforcefield.
Fox’shandswereinherhair,tunnelingthrough,asifdesperatetotoucheverysinglestrandwhilehismouthquitesimplyfuckedhers.He’dbeenholdinghimselfatbayormaybepresentinghisplayboyfacadetoseemunaffected.Butthatwasgonenow,droppedlikeaveil,andhishungerwasbrutallynaked.Andshematchedhim,clingingtohisdampening,sinewyshoulders,plyingherselfonstrokesofhistongue.Hishandsrakeddownherspine,wheretheygatheredthehemofherdress,exposingherindegrees.
Thekissslowedmomentarily,hiseyescommunicatingthequestion.
CanI?
Hannahwasalreadynodding,skinenflamed,positiveifhedidn’ttouchher,allofher,thatverysecond,shewasgoingtomeltintothegroundalongwiththerain.ButFoxdidn’tgivethatachancetohappen,hisbig,capablehandsplungingdowntherearofherpanties,takingholdofherbottom,
claimingownershipwitharoughsqueeze.“Beendyingtodothisformonths,”hegroundoutagainstherlips,moldingherbunsinhishands.
“Beenwantingitinmyhands,bentoverinmylap…”
“Nowseemsliketheidealtime,”shegasped.
“Nah…”Heproceededtowalkherbackward,towardthecar,hisvoiceseductive,hypnotic.“WanttolookatyourbeautifulfacethefirsttimeItakeyou.”Hecaughthermouthinahard,wetkiss.“AmIgoingtotakeyounow,Hannah?”Herbackmetthesideofthecar,andshemoanedattheroughpressofhismuscularbody,thedragofhishandaroundthecurveofherhipwhereitwedgedbetweentheirbodies,hisfingertipsonthevergeofsinkingdownthefrontofherunderwearnow.“Areyougoingtoletmetouchitthistimeortellmenoagain?”Thosefingerspresseddownontheswellofhermons.“Ifyouwanttosayno,we’llstop.I’vegottenprettyfuckinggoodatwaitingforyou.”Hisopenmouthdippedtoherthroat,exhalingheatintothehollow.“WaitingforyouisthebestI’veeverhad.”
“Idon’twanttowait.N-no.Nowaiting.”
Hechuckled,lickedapathuptoherear,andbitdown,almostbucklingherknees.Werethoseherteethchattering?Shedidn’thavethechancetofindoutorbeembarrassed,becauseFox’smouthtrappedheronceagaininacycloneofsensation,thoselong,knowingfingersslowly,slowlytravelingdownwardonhersex.Stoppingrightwhentheyreachedthegoodpartandteasingwithlightside-to-sidebrushesthatsentheatflaringdowntohertoes.Whenshewasrightonthevergeofbegginghimtotouchlower,Foxeasedbackfromthekisstowatchherface,hismiddlefingerpartingherflesh,gentlypettingherclitoris.“Ah,babe.”Hedraggedhisbottomlipthroughhisteeth.“Thissweetlittlethingwetforme?”
“Yes,”shemanaged,mentallycoininganewphrase.
DeathbyFox.
Hannahwouldneverdefinehimbyhisinnatesexuality,butpretendinghewasn’tinsanelyskilledwouldbefutile.BecauseGodalmighty.Hewieldedhisabilitieslikeasword.Heknewwheretotouchher,howtospeak,understoodthevirtuesofpacing,andherbodyappreciatedthatlikenobody’sbusiness.Herintimatefleshgrewdampsorapidly,shewasactuallyshakingbetweenFoxandthecar.Andheknewit.Theknowledgewasthereinthetotalandutterconfidenceofthefingerrubbingherclit,asecondonejoiningitandpressingjustthatmuchharder,causingherhead
tofallback,awhimperrackingherentireframe.“Oh…myGod,”shehiccupped.
Helookedhersquareintheeyeandrippedoffherpantiesinonetwist.
“Haven’tevenstarted,Hannah.”Hiskneeslandedonthesoftearthinfrontofher,raindrippingofftheendsofhisdark-blondhair,moisturetricklingdownhischeeks.Andheseemedtosensethatshewasabouttofloatawayonacloudofnever-before-encounteredlust,becausehebarredhisforearmacrossherhips,pinningherroughlytothecar,andburiedhismouthbetweenherthighs,sinking,pushing,pullinghistonguethroughthesplitofherfemininity.
Watchingherthewholetime.Observingherreactiontothatfirstperfect,deliberatedragoffriction.Foxgroaned,hispupilsdilating,forearmflexingagainstherbelly.
Thatabsolute,unabashedcarnalitygaveherpermissiontopalmherbreaststhroughthebodiceofthedress,chafingtheheelsofherhandsoverstiffnipples,enjoyingthewayhewatchedherthroughdarkeningeyes.Shearchedherback,allowinghimtosettletheinstepofherfootonhisshoulderandgodeeperwitheverystrokeofhiseagertongue,hislipsclosingaroundhersensitivebud,suckinglightly,rhythmicallyuntilhermusclesbegantoquicken,pulsing,hervisionturninghazy,herheadthrashingsidetosideonthecar.“OhmyGod.I’malready…”Shepanted,thesoundendingonamoan,herfingerstwistinginhiswethair.“It’salready…I’mgoingto.It’scoming.I’mcoming.”
Asifhewasn’talreadydoingenough,doingthemost,hechosethemomentofherconfessiontopresshismiddleandindexfingersinsideher.
Deep.Untilheexecutedthatmove,she’dlovedthelightfinesseofhistouch,butunbeknownsttoher,she’dbeenstarvingforthatroughpush.ButFoxknew.Hekneweverythingabouteverything,andGod,ohGod,hedeliveredit,standinghalfwaythroughherorgasmtothrusthisfingersintoherclenchingheat.Inandout,fast.Nogentlenessinsight.Justhisopenmouthgroaningontopofhers,hermoisturespreadingdownhisthickfingers,theskyweepingaroundthem.
“Fox,”shegasped,holdingontohisshoulders,almostalarmedbytheintensitywithwhichherlegstrembled,herfleshconstricting,releasing,hisfingersenteringandleavingherslowly,slowlywiththeebbingofherorgasm.
Anditwasn’tenough,somehow.Thebestclimaxofherexistencewasn’tenough.Nothingphysicalwouldeverbeenoughwithouthim—allofhim—everagain.Thatunchangeableknowledgeconcreteditselfinsideherastheirmouthsconnected,demolished,herfingersracingdownhisstomachtounfastenhisbelt.
“Needyou.Needyou.”
HecaughtHannah’swrist,draggingherpalmupanddownhiserection,histeethcatchingherbottomlip,pulling.“I’mreadyforyou.Beenachingsolong.”Heyankeddownhiszipperandplantedbothhandsonthetopofthecar.“Touchme.Please.Getafistarounditandstrokemehard.Fuckmeup.”
How?
Howwasshecontinuingtogetwet?She’dalreadyhitthepeakofallpeaks.
Thewayhelookedather,that’show.Thebaldhonestyofhiswords,thecrudethrustofhishipswhenshecircledhimwithahandandpumped.
Firmly,likehe’dasked.Herbreathgrowingchoppywhenhisarousalswelledandstiffenedmore,impossibly,givingherfistevenmoregroundtocover.“Oh.Jesus…”sheexhaledbeforeshecouldstopherself.
Aglimmeroffamiliarcockinessinhiseyesmadeherheartspincrazily.
“Ah,comeon,babe.”Hewethislips,agroanbuildingandbreakingfromhismouth,hisattentionfastenedonthetreatmentofherhand,thewayshechokedhimupanddown,massaginghimintimately.“Youknewithadtobehuge.”
Shebreathedalaugh,andhedid,too,thoughthehuskysoundquicklyturnedintohot,pantingbreathsagainstherforehead,gaspedinstructionsforhertogofaster.Faster,faster…untilhisbreathbegantolabor,andhereachedforthedoorhandleleadingtothebackseat.
“In,”herasped,notwaitingforhertocomply,justrippingthedooropen,wrappinganarmaroundthesmallofHannah’sbackanddraggingherinside,notstoppinguntilherbackwasflatontheseat,thecrownofherheadalmostreachingtheoppositedoor.
Hisbodycamedownontopofher,theirmouthsconnectingfrantically,herfingertipssearchingforthehemofhisT-shirt,rippingitoffsoshecouldfeelhischest,touchit,kisshisbareskin.Leveringupsohecoulddothesametoherdress,herbra,alltheirclothessavehispantsendinguponthe
floorinamatterofseconds,hisremainingjeanspusheddowntohiskneesbytwopairsofeagerhands,theirmouthsravenous.
“Ihavetogetacondomonorwe’regoingtobeintrouble,”hesaidinbetweenkisses,hishipsmovingbetweenherthighs,mouthtravelingupanddownherneck.“Fortherecord,Ididn’tplanonthishappeninginthebackseatofmycar.”
“Oh,youjustthoughtyou’dbringmetothemostromanticplaceintheworldtosomeonelikemeandIwouldn’twanttoripyourclothesoff?”
Hepantedalaughandfumbledthewallethe’djustfishedoutofhisjeanspocket.“Ididn’tthinkpasttellingyouhowIfeelandhopinglikehellitwouldmeansomethingtoyou.”Hepickedthewalletbackupandrippedcreditcardsoutonebyone,hisshakinghandsdroppingthemeverywhere.
“SweartoGod,theonetimeitcountsandIcan’tbesmoothtosavemylife.”
Hannahhadaplaylistconsistingof308lovesongsandnotoneofthemcoulddescribethismomentaccurately.Notevenclose.Realizingshelovedthismanwhileherippedhiswalletapartlookingforprotection,hishairfallingintohiseyes,musclesheavingunderinkandalightlayerofsweat.
Sunsetlitthecarinadeeporange,andshefeltthatrichcolorspreadinsideherchest,too,whereherheartbattledtokeepupwiththelovethatbloomedfreelyandwildly,alotlikethespringstormcreatingwarm,whitenoisearoundthecar.
Ilovehim.Ilovehim
Butthen.Foxrippedthecondomwrapperopenwithhisteethandrolleditdownhisabundantlength,forearmsflexinginthegoldenglowofsunset,hisjawgoingslackwhilelookingattheplacebetweenherlegswithanticipation—andlustcameroaringbacktotheforefront.Assoonashewascovered,theydoveforeachotheroncemore,notahintofrestraintintheirkisses.Theywereskintoskin,weatheredmanoftheseapressingdownonhersoftness,onehandseparatingthembrieflytobringthethickheadofhissextotheentranceofHannah’s.
Andthenhepushedinsideherinoneslow,smoothmotion,rockinghome.
Hannahhissedoutabreathanddugherfingernailsintohiships,blindsidedbytherippleofunequaledpleasurethatspedthroughherandpulledtaut.
“Yes,”shewhimpered.“More.”
Asifthefeelofherwasunexpected,Foxheavedacurseandslappedhishanddownontherapidlyfoggingwindowaboveherhead.“JesusChrist,sohotandtight.”Herearedhishipsbackandpunchedforward,makingalowsoundofmisery,ashudderpassingthroughhisframe.“No.Dammit.”Hisbodyflexedwithtensionontopofher.“Staystill.Staystill.Wasn’tkiddingwhenIsaidIcan’tbesmoothwithyou.Thenyouhavetogoandfeelsofuckingperfect…”
“Youfeelprettysmoothtome,”shesaidonajaggedexhale,bearingdownaroundhimwithherinnerwalls.Milkinghisthicknesswithherfemininity.“Mmmm.Please.Fox.”
“Pleasestop,Hannah,stop…”Asifhecouldn’tcontrolit,hislowerbodyebbedbackandrolledforwardsinuously,fillingherslowly,touchingalldifferentspotsalongtheway,andshecriedout,drawingbloodonhiships.“I’vejustneededyousofuckinglong,”hegrittedout.
“Youdon’tthinkIlovethat?”Shetrailedhertouchinwardandgrippedhisflexedbuttocks,slowlyrockedhimdeeper,liftingherhipsatthesametime,earningalong,hoarsesoundfromhisthroat.“Youdon’tthinkIlovefeelingtheproofofhowbadyouneedme?”
“Youwantit,I’llgiveittoyou,”herasped,rollingtheirforeheadstogether,kissingherroughly,tanglingtheirtongues.“Youwantanything,I’llgiveittoyou.”
“ShowmehowbadlyImakeyouneedtocome.”
Hisnostrilsflared,hiseyesclosing—andwhenheopenedthembackup,therewasatraceofthedevilinthem.Andshelovedbeingtrappedintheeyeofthatmaledetermination.Shelovedthewayhisupperlipcurled,hisforearmscrowdingcloseoneithersideofherhead,hismouthdroppingtoaninchabovehers.“Kneesup,Hannah.”Hepulsedinsideher,pupilsblockingouttheblueofhiseyes.“Let’sseehowdeepIcangetitbeforeyouscream.”
Spoiler:itdidn’ttakeverylong.
Dutifully,eagerly,shebroughtherkneesup,grazingthemalonghisribcageandlockingthemhighonhistorso.Hisnextthrustmadehereyesrollbackinherhead,thesecondonemakinghersquirmoutofpureconfusion.
Howandwhatwashereachinginsideherthatseemedtounlocksomeundiscoveredforce?Pressurerodelowandthreadedthroughhercore,
knittinghertogethersotightly,shecouldn’tthinkorbreathe,theroofofthecarlookingmoreandmorelikethegatestoheaven.Withhisopen,gruntingmouthonherneck,herodeherroughly,yetsomehowcherishinglyatthesametime,histongueandlipscontinuouslyworshipingherthroat,hismouthfindingherstoswallowherscreams.Yes,shewasscreaminghisname,andhewas,indeed,asdeepaspossible,scoopingherhipsofftheseatwithharddrivesthatquickened,roughened,goingfasterandfaster.Hisbodyflattenedher,usingthefleshbetweenherlegsinthemostdeliciouslyfranticway,asifdesperateforhertoacknowledgehisdesire—andshedid
Shehadherproof.Shehaditandthensome.
“Fox,”shewailedbetweenherteeth.
“Iknowyou’reclose.Icanfeelit.”
“Yes.Yes.”
“Lovingthatcock,aren’tyou?”Histeethscrapedherlobeandbitdown.
“BeencravingitthewayI’vebeencravingthishot-asspussy,dayandnight.Onlandandoff.Nowgiveitup,girl.Showmeyoulovebeingonthatbackforme.”
Herorgasmwoundtight,tighter,andshedugherheelsintohisbuckingass,hermouthwideandgaspingagainsthisshoulder,hersexsqueezinginonenever-endingpulsation.“OhhhGod.OhGod.”
Hebroke,moaninginfitsandstarts,thetempoofhisdrivesstuttering,hismouthlatchingontohersandholding,airrattlingfromhisnose,hishandsfistinginherhair.“Hannah.”Arough,desperatekiss,anotherone,robbingthesoulstraightoutofherbody.“Hannah.Hannah.”
Thehardbodythathadjustpropelledhertoaheightofblisssheneverknewexistedcollapsedontopofher,gatheringhercloseandbreathingheavily,hisheartgallopingagainsthers.Herlegswerestilllockedaroundhiswaist,theirbodiesslickwithsweat,andshedidn’tseeherselfmovingintheforeseeablefuture.Maybeever.Apparentlybeingbonelesswasathing.
“YoumakemefeellikeI’mintheexactrightplace.”Heexhaledintoherneck,kissingitreverently.“Nothingtorunorhidefrom.NothingIwanttoavoid.”
Sheturnedherheadandtheirmouthsmeltedtogether.“It’sokaytotrustthatfeeling.Ihaveit,too.”
Foxstudiedherfacewithsuchintensityinhisblueeyes,shedidn’tdaredrawabreath.Thenheswallowedheavilyandturnedthemontotheirsides,
facingeachother,hisarmkeepingherclose.Andtheystayedthere,breathinginthescentofeachother’sskin,untilthestormstopped.
ChapterTwenty-One
Foxcrackedopenaneyethatfeltlikeithadbeenweldedshut.
Whenhesawtheexplosionofsandy-blondhairdrapedacrosshischest,asmilespreadacrosshisface,hisheartliftingintohisthroatlikeanelevatorandlodgingbehindhisjugular.Hannah.
Hedidn’tmoveamuscle.Yes,becausehedidn’twanttodisturbher.Butmainlybecausehewantedtosavoreverylittledetail,soakthemintohismemorybank.Liketheslopeofherbareback,thedustingoftinyfrecklesthatpoppedupalongthatsmoothcolumn,likestarsintheskyovertheocean.He’dlookatthosestarscompletelydifferentnow.He’dreverethem.
Veryslightly,heliftedhisheadsohisgazecouldtraverseherspine,lowertothesexybacksideshe’ddefinitelybeggedhimtospanklastnightinthemiddleofthethird…fourthround?They’dbarelymadeitinthedoorbeforehe’dstrippedherdownandcarriedheroverhisshouldertothebedroom,kickingthedoorshutbehindthem.Andtherethey’dstayed,onlyemergingonceforchocolateicecreamandasleeveofgrahamcrackers.
Tocallitthebestnightofhislifewouldbeaninexcusableunderstatement.He’dbeenrighttotellhereverything.Becauseifhethoughtshewasperfectiononlegsbefore,she’dcompletelyunlockednow.
Gonewasthehesitationinhereyes.Apparently,openingupmeantgettingmoreinreturn.Consideringhe’dnevergetenoughofHannah,beinghonestwasdefinitelythewaytogo.
Whatelsecouldhegiveher,though?
Permanence,whisperedavoiceinthebackofhishead.
Asharpobjectmaterializedinhisgut,prodding,diggingin.
Thismorningheleftforfivedaysonthewater.Whenhecameback,themoviewouldbewrapped.Sweatbrokeoutonhisskinwhenhethoughtof
herboardingthatbus,butwhatthehellcouldhedoaboutit?Askhertomovein?He’djustgottenoverthehurdleofadmittinghisfeelings—andnoteventheextentofthem.Notthepartaboutbeinginlovewithher.Notyet.
ShehadajobbackinLA.Thecareershewantedasamusiccoordinatorwouldalmostdefinitelyhavetobebasedthere.Sowhatwastheplan?Askhertomovetohisempty-walledbachelorpadandspendthreetofivedaysoutofeveryweekwithouthim?Ordidtheydothelong-distancething?
Thatsecondoptiongavehimfuckinghives.
Hiscute,perfect,freckle-facedgirlfriendrunningaroundLAbeingcute,perfect,andfreckle-facedwithouthim?He’dwanttobanghisheadagainstthewallnonstop.Itwasn’tthathedidn’ttrusther;itwasthepossibilityofherfindingabetter,morelocaloption.Along-distancerelationshipbetweenthemwouldincitethecritics,too,nodoubt.Theydidn’tknowhe’dbeenfaithfultoHannah.Theywouldn’tevenbelieveitifhetoldthemhoweasyithadbeen.Howhecouldn’tfathomwantinganyoneelse.Likehe’dtoldHannahyesterday,havingtheirridiculeconnectedtoher?Whetheritbetheimplicationsthathe’dbreakherheart,useher,orturnoutjustlikehisfatherandcheat?
Thathecouldn’tlivewith.
Butwhatotheroptiondidhehavebutlong-distance?Fornow,atleast.
Untilthey’dspentatleastfivesecondsasboyfriendandgirlfriend,right?
UntilshewaspositivethatFoxwasgoodforher.Whatshewanted.Inaway,he’dbeeninalong-distancerelationshipwithHannahsincelastsummer.Nowthatfeelingshadbeenacknowledged,beingseparatedwouldbealotharder,buthewoulddoit.He’dgetdowntoLAasmuchaspossibleandlurehertoWestportanydamnwayhecould.
Andeventually,whentheywerebothready,therewouldbenoluringnecessary.
Oneofthemwouldsimplyleavetheirlifebehind.
IfHannahwastheonetodothat,wouldsheregretit,though?Whatwouldheneedtodotoensurethatdidn’thappen?
Hannahyawnedintohischestandsmiledupathimsleepily,sendinghispulsesprintingindizzyingcircles.Andheshouldhaveknown.Heshouldhaveknownthatthesecondshewasawake,lookingathim,everythingwouldbeallright.
I’lljusttalktoher
Problemsolved.
“Morning,”camehermuffledgreetingagainsthisskin.
“Morning.”Hetrailedhisfingertipsupanddownherspine,elicitingapurrofappreciation.“How’syourtush?”Hecuppedthebunsinquestion.
“Sore,Ibet.”
Herlaughtervibratedthroughthemboth.“Iknewyouweregoingtobringupthespankingthing.”Shelightlywormedafingerbetweenhisribs.
“I’mnevergoingtoaskagain.”
“Youwon’thaveto.”Hegrinned.“Iknowwhatyoulikenow,freakygirl.”
“Iwascaughtupinthemoment.”
“Good.That’sexactlywhereIwantyou.”FoxcaughtHannahunderthearmsandflippedherover,rollingontopofher,fittingtheircurvestogetherwithagroanandstaringdownatthemostincrediblesightimaginable.
Hannah,naked.Titsdecoratedinlovemarksfromhismouth.Blushingandgigglinginhisbed.Howthehellwashesupposedtoleaveforfivedays?
Whocouldexpectthatofaman?“You’resodamnbeautiful,Hannah.”
Heramusementdieddown.“Happinessdoesthattoaperson.”
Talktoher.Italways,alwaysworks
Sheintertwinedtheirfingersonthepillow,likeshealreadyknew.Ofcourseshedid.ThiswasHannah.Thefirstandlastgirlhe’deverlove.
“Yourtimeherewentsofast,”hesaidthickly,lookingherintheeye.
Hernodwasslow.Understanding.“Nowwe’reundertheguntofigureitout.”
Thepressureofshoulderingtheworryalonedissipatedlikeitwasneverthere.Justlikethat.Thetruthwillsetyoufree.Apparentlythatwasn’tjustagenericphraseutteredbysomepoliticianthreehundredyearsago.“Yes.”
“Iknow.”Sheleanedupandkissedhischin.“It’sgoingtobeokay.”
“How,Hannah?”
Shewetherlips.“Doyou…wantmetobeherewhenyougetback?”
Pressurecamespillingbackin,cakinghisorgansincement.Hescrutinizedhereyes,findingnothingbutearnesthope.“Wasthat…”Hechokedonthewords.“Wasitevenapossibilitythatyouwouldn’tbehere?
JesusChrist.Yes,Iwantyouhere.”Heswallowedahandfulofspikes.
“Youbetterbehere.”
“Iwill.Okay,Iwill.Ijustwasn’tsureifthiswas…ifyouexpectedmetoknowthiswasaone-timething.Orcasual,maybe.LikewecouldspendtimetogetherwheneverIcometovisitPiper…”
“It’snotcasual.”Fuck.Histhroathadlititselfonfire.“Howareyouevenaskingmethat?”
Sheinhaledandexhaledbeneathhim,seemingtomullsomethingover.
“What’sgoingoninyourhead?”heasked,gettingrightupclose,pressingtheirforeheadstogether,asifhecouldextractherthoughts.“Talktome.”
“Well…”Herskinturnedclammyagainsthim.“It’sjust,youknow,Seattleisn’tfar,andthereareopportunitiesforme,forwhatIwanttodo…there.It’sacreativejob,notaninetofive.Iprobablywouldn’thavetocommuteconstantly.Justoccasionally.Icouldthinkaboutrelocating.Tobeclosertoyou.”
Thefirstemotionheexperiencedwasutterrelief.Euphoria,even.
Theywouldn’thavetodolong-distanceandhecouldseehereveryday.
Thesecondwascompleteawethathecouldmakethisgirlwanttouprootherselftobenearhim.Howthehellhadhemanagedtopullthatoff?
Butthepaniccreptin,littlebylittle,blanketinghisawe.
Shewastalkingaboutmovingcloser.
Now
Livingwithhim,really.Becausethat’swhatitwouldbe,wouldn’tit?
Whensomeonerelocatedtobeclosertotheirboyfriend,theydidn’tliveinseparateapartments.Wasshesureabouthim?Thatsure?Lookhowmanytimeshe’dcomeclosetomessingupthisentirethingwithHannahalready.
Pushinghertowardanotherman.Tryingtosexualizehimselfsoshe’ddotheconvenientthinganddisregardhimasaplayerlikeeveryoneelse.Whathopedidhehaveofgivingherareliablefuture?
Theywouldlaughather,too.Behindherback.
They’dthinkshewasoutofhergoddamnmind,movingallthewaynorthforamanwho’dneverbeenseriousaboutaplateoffries,letaloneawoman.He’dneverevennurturedahouseplant.Wouldhebeabletonurtureanup-close-and-personalrelationshipwithalive-ingirlfriend?InawaythatwasworthyofHannah?HerefusedtotakethehelmoftheDellaRay.Hewasawalkinginnuendoamonghisfriendsandfamily.Nowhehadtheaudacitytobelievehecouldbetherightoneforthisgirl?
Maybesheneededthelong-distancetimetobesure.Hewouldn’tbeabletostanditifshedroppedherlife,hercareerforhim,andthenrealizedshe’dactedimpulsively.
“Hannah…”
“No,Iknow.Iknow.Thatwas,like,reallyjumpingthegun.”Shesoundedwinded.Sowashe.Shereachedforherphoneonhissidetable,lightingitup.“Whattimedoestheboatleavethismorning?”
“Seven,”herespondedhoarsely.
Thatwasit?Theconversationwasover?
He’dhadfifteensecondstomakeadecisionthatwoulddetermineherfuture?
Withanexaggeratedwince,Hannahturnedthescreensohecouldreadit:6:48.
“Christ,”hegroaned,forcinghimselftorolloffherdeliciouslybarebody,draggingtheduffelbagoutfrombeneathhisbedwithouttakinghiseyesoffheronce.Hehatedtheindecisiononherface,likeshewassuddenlyfeelingoutofplaceinhisbed,buthellifheknewwhattodoaboutit.Whatcouldhesay?Yes,movehere.Yes,changeyourlifeforme—
amanwhojustgotthebraverytoadmithisfeelingslessthantwenty-fourhoursago.Areallyhugepartofhimwantedtosaythosethings.Feltreadyforanythingandeverythingwiththisgirl.Butthatremainingniggleofdoubtkepthismouthshut.“Hannah,pleasebeherewhenIgetback.”
Shesatup,shieldingherbodywiththesheet.“IsaidIwould.Iwill.”
Talktoher
Foxstoodandcrossedtohisdresser,rippingoutboxers,socks,thermals,shovingthemintothebag.Heartinhisthroat,hestoppedtolookather,cataloguingherpatientfeaturesonebyone.“Idon’thaveenoughconfidenceinmyselftoaskyouto…changeyourlife,Hannah.Notthisfast.”
“Ihaveconfidenceinyou,”shewhispered.“Ihavefaith.”
“Great.Wouldyoumindsharingit?”God,whywashespeakingtohersoangrily,whenallhewantedwastocrawlbackinthebedandburyhisfaceinherneck?Thankherforhavingthatfaith,rewardherforitwithstrokesofhisbodyuntilshewasdelirious?“I’msorry.Ishouldn’tbetalkingtoyoulikethatwhenyou’vedonenothingwrong.”Hegesturedbetweenherandtheduffelbag.“YouthinkyoucouldfitinheresoIcould
bringyouwithme?Becauseanhourfromnow,I’mprobablygoingtobesickoverleavinglikethis.”
“Thendon’tleavelikethis.”Shecameuponherkneesandshuffledtotheedgeofthebed,stillclutchingthesheetbetweenherbreasts.“Kissme.
I’llbeherewhenyougetback.We’llleaveitatthat.”
Foxlungedforherlikeadyingman,draggingherbodyupagainsthisandfusingtheirmouthstogether.Tunnelinghisfingersthroughherunbrushedhair,tiltingherhead,slantinghisopenmouthoverhers,rubbingtheirtonguestogetheruntilshemoaned,herbodysaggingintohim.He’dbeleavingtheharborwithaharddick,butsobeit.Shewaswellworththediscomfort
Hisfingerscurledaroundthetopofthesheetwiththeintentionofrippingitoff,givingheronemoreorgasmjusttohearhercallhisnameinthathuskywayofhers,andFoxknewhehadnochoicebuttogo.He’dneverleaveotherwise.He’dstayinsideherallday,wrappedupinherscent,thesoundofherlaughter,thedragofskinonskin.Anditwouldbethebest
Itwouldfeedhisfuckingsoul.Butitdidn’tfeelrighttomakelovetoherwhenhecouldn’tevencommittoacourseofaction.Beconfidentinwheretheywereheaded,thewayshewaspreparedtobe.
Hecouldn’tdothat.NottoHannah.
Foxbrokethekisswithacurse,shovelingunsteadyfingersthroughhishair.Heheldhertightfortoo-shortsecondsuntil,regretfully,hepressedherbackintothepillowsandtiltedherchinup.Makingeyecontactbutalreadymissingherlikehell.“SleepherewhileI’mgone?”
Afterasecond,shenodded,herexpressionunreadable.
“Becarefuloutthere.”
Herconcernwaslikestandinginfrontofaradiator,takingawaythechilllikeonlyshecould.“Iwill,Freckles.”
Leavingherthere,hedressedquickly,pullingonalong-sleevedthermalshirt,jeans,andasweatshirt.Tuggingthicksocksontohisfeetandshovingthemintohisboots.Fittingacapontohishead.Restlessnow,hetookonelastlookatherandwalkedoutoftheroom.
Outside,morningmistenvelopedhimsothathecouldn’tseehisbuildingafterafewhundredyards,andthepitinhisstomachgrewwitheverystephetooktowardthedocks.
Goback
Tellhertomovehere
Thatseeingheronadailybasiswouldbeyourversionofheaven
Godknewitwasthetruth.Afewminutesawayfromherarmsandhewasalreadybacktobeingcold.
Hestoppedhalfwayacrossthestreet,purposebeginningtosettleoverhim.Whatifhecouldmakeherhappy?Whatiftheycouldproveeveryonewrong?Whatifshejuststayedandstayedandstayed,sohecouldwakeupeverymorningandfeelfuckingsubstantialandalive,thewayhe’ddonetoday?Hewoulddoeverythinginhispowertogiveherthatsamefeeling,soshe’dneverregretleavingLA—
“Fox!”
Brendan’svoicebeckonedhimthroughthefog,andhetookafewreluctantstepsforward,themistmovingoutofhiswaytorevealtheharbor,theDellaRayinherusualslipinthedistance.Henoddedathisfriend.
Theypoundedfists.
Guilthedidn’twanttofeeltrippedandfellinhisbelly.
He’dbeensoconsumedwithHannahandtheseparaterealitythey’dcreatedtogetherthathe’dallbutforgottenBrendan’srequestthatFoxkeephishandsoffhisfuturesister-in-law.Realistically,nothingcouldhavestoppedhim.HisfeelingsforHannahweretoopowerfultoheedanykindofwarning.Thatwasobviousnow.Buttheguiltwouldn’tbepushedaside.
NotwhenFoxknewBrendan’sconcernwaswarranted.Afterall,they’dbeenfriendsforalongtime.WhileBrendanhadbeenstudying,learningthefishingbusiness,Foxhadbeenparticipatinginverydifferentextracurricularactivities.
“What’sup?”Foxasked,shoulderinghisduffelbag.
Brendan’sgazewasunusuallyelusive.Thecaptainwasthetypetolooksomeoneintheeyewhenspeaking,impressinguponthemhisVeryImportantWords.“SomethingcameupandIneedtodrivemyparentshome.”
Foxprocessedthat.“They’renotflying?”
“No.Therewassomefloodingintheirbasementwhiletheyweregone.
FiguredI’ddrivethemhomeandgetitstraightenedout.”
“Allright,”Foxsaidslowly.Whatwasgoingonhere?Brendanhadnevermissedajob.NotoncesinceFoxhadknownhim.Andsurelyifthiswasgoingtobethefirsttime,hewouldhavecalledandsavedeveryonethe
hassleofpackingandhaulingtheirassesdowntotheharbor.“So…thetripiscanceled?”
TheutterjoythatblaredthroughFoxalmostknockedhimover.
FiveaddeddayswithHannah.
Hewasgoingtobebackinsideherwarmthintwominutesflat.Andtonighthewasgoingtotakehertodinner.Wherevershewantedtogo.Aconcert.She’dloveaconcert—
“No,it’snotcanceled.I’mjusthandingoverthecaptaindutiesforthetrip.”BeforeFoxcouldreact,BrendanwasdroppingthekeystotheDellaRayintohispalm.“She’sallyours.”
Fox’sreliefscreechedtoahalt.Brendanwasnowbusyfoldingbackthesleeveofhisshirtwithjerkymovements.Hisfriendhadneverbeenverygoodatdeception,hadhe?Yeah,he’devenshowedupatschoolonseniorditchdaywhileeveryoneelsehadgonetothebeach.Thiswasamanwho’dstayedfaithfultohisdeceasedwifeforsevendamnyears.Hewasashonestastheoceanglimmeringwiththesunrisebehindhim,andtherewasnowayhe’dforgoafishingtripforafloodedbasement.Hisresponsibilitiesandhiscustomswerestitchedintohisveryfabric.
Forthefirsttime,Foxwasenviousofthat.
Evenwhileannoyancenaggedatthebackofhisneck.
Brendanhadabsoluteconvictionwhenitcametomakingdecisionsandstickingtothem.Heknewexactlywhathewantedthefuturetolooklike,andheexecutedthestepstomakeithappen.ProposingtoPiper.
Commissioningasecondboattoexpandthebusiness.TheonlyplaceBrendanseemedtofallshortwastheabsurdbeliefthatFoxbelongedinawheelhouse.Believeditsomuchthathe’dstandthereandlie.
Foxnoddedstiffly,flippingthekeysoveronceinhishand.“Didyoureallythinkyoucouldpullthisoff?”
Brendansquaredup,firminghisjaw.“Pullwhatoff?”
“This.LyingtomeaboutsomeimaginaryfloodsoI’dbeforcedtocaptaintheboat.Whatdidyouthink?IfIdiditonce,I’drealizeit’smeanttobe?”
Brendanthoughtaboutholdingontohisstory,butvisiblygaveupafter2.8seconds.“Ihopedyou’drealizetheresponsibilityisnothingtobescaredof.”Heshookhishead.“Youdon’tthinkyou’veearnedtheright?
Thetrustthatcomeswithit?”
“Oh,youtrustmenow?Youtrustmetocaptaintheboat,butnotwithHannah.Right?”Hisbitterlaughterburnedapathuphischest.“I’mallgoodtotakethelivesoffivepeopleinmyhands.ButIbetterkeepmyfilthyhandsoffyourfuturesister-in-law.I’llbreakherheart.I’llgobehindherback.Whichisit,Brendan?Doyoutrustmeornot?Orisyourtrustjustselective?”
UntilFoxaskedthequestionoutloud,hisvoiceabsorbedbythemistaroundthem,hedidn’trealizehowheavytheweightofthatworry,thatdistinctionhadbeen.Justperchedonhisshouldersliketwinstacksofbibles.
Foronce,Brendanseemedatatotalloss,someofthecolorleavinghisface.“Idon’t…Ineverwouldhavethoughtofitthatway.Ididn’trealizehowmuchitbotheredyou.ThewholeHannahthing.”
“ThewholeHannahthing.”Hesnorted.Whatapaltrydescriptionforbeingsoinlovewithher,hedidn’tknowwhattodowithhimself.“Yeah,well.Maybeifyoupaidalittlecloserattention,you’drealizeIhaven’tbeentoSeattlesincelastsummer.There’sbeennooneelse.Therewillneverbeanyoneelse.”Hepointedbackathisapartment.“I’vebeensittingthereformonths,thinkingabouther,buyingrecords,andtextingherlikealovesickasshole.”
Heclosedhisfistaroundthekeysuntiltheydugintohispalm.
WasthiswhatitwouldbelikeifhewaswithHannah?
Constantlytryingtoconvinceeveryonehewasn’tthecarelesstramphe’doncebeen?Eventhepeoplewhoweresupposedtolovehim—
Brendan,KirkandMelinda,hisownmother—hadlookedathimandseenacharacterbeyondrepair.
Hannahhasfaithinyou.Hannahbelievesinyou
Foxwascaughtoffguardbythehesitantvoteofconfidencethatcamefromwithin,butitmadehimthinkmaybe…justmaybetherewasachancehewasn’talostcause.
Still,heallowedthethoughttogerminate.Togrow.
IfhecouldbeaworthwhilefriendtoHannah,ifhecouldmakethattremendousgirlstickaroundandvaluehim,hisopinionandcompany,maybehecoulddothis,too.Bealeader.Captainaboat.Inspiretherespectandconsiderationofthecrew.Afterall,hehadchanged.He’dchangedforthegirlwhowaslyingdrowsyinhisbed.Inthebeginning,she’dmade
someofthesameassumptionsabouthimthatotherpeopledid.Buthe’dshiftedheropinion,hadn’the?
Couldhedoitwiththecrew?CouldhebethemorethatHannahdeserved?
He’dneverknowunlesshetried.
AndwhenhethoughtofHannahintherecordingstudiothedaybefore,bravelyvoicingheropinion—takingchancesandsucceeding—hefoundthecouragetoreachdownandtapintoanundiscoveredreserveofstrength.
Strengthhe’dgottenfromher.
Foxforcedapatientsmileontohisface,eventhoughhisinsideshadtheconsistencyofjelly.“Allright,Cap.Youwin.Iguess…I’vegotthewheelonthistrip.”
ChapterTwenty-Two
HannahstoodoutsideOpal’sapartment,waitingforhergrandmothertoreachthedoor.Thelasttimeshewashere,justoveraweekago,she’dbeenfilledwithdreadovergoinginside.Talkingaboutherfather.FeelingtotallydisconnectedfromOpalandPiperintheprocess.Now,though,hershoulderswerefirminsteadofslumped.Shedidn’tfeellikeanimposterorlikeshewasfakingituntilshemadeit.Shebelongedhere.
ShewasOpal’sgranddaughter.
Finallythemaincharacterofherownlife.
YoungestdaughterofHenryCross.
They’dcometoanunderstandingthroughhismusic.Once,alongtimeago,he’dlovedher.He’dheldherinhisarmsinahospitalroom,taughtherhowtotoddle,andgottenupwithherinthemiddleofthenight.He’dgoneofftoseathinkinghewouldseeheragain.AndHannahlikedtothink,maybeinawaythatonlyshecouldunderstand,they’dhadanice,longvisitthroughhissongs,giveneachotherasenseofclosure.Itwasquitepossibleshe’devenbeengivensomefatherlyadviceinaroundaboutway,becauseshe’dwokenuponMondaymorning,thefinaldayofshooting,withanidea.Aplacetogofromhere.
Aplacethatwouldmeancontinuingtoworkinmusic…andbenearFox.
Ifthat’swhathewanted.
Aknotthathadgrownfamiliaroverthelastfivedaysgrewtautinherbelly,agitatingthecoffeeshe’ddrunkthismorning.IfshewentbacktoLAasoriginallyplanned,itwouldbewithaheartbrokenbeyondrepair.BeingwithoutFoxsincehe’dleftonlycementedthatbelief.Shemissedhimsomuchsheachedwithit.Missedthewayhefrownedandpartedhislips
slightlywhenshetalked,likehewasconcentratinghardonwhatshewassaying.Shemissedthewayhetuckedbothhandsunderhisarmpitsinthecold.Missedhisdevilishlaugh,thestrokeofhispalmdownherhair,thehaltingwayhespokewhenhewasabouttodropsomehonesty.
Thefactthathe’dlearnedhowtobehonestwithheratalltimes.
Everytimesheclosedhereyes,sheenvisionedhimstridingdownthedockinherdirection,openinghisarms,thedecisiontoputinthework,tobuildarelationshipwithHannahrightthereonhisface.
Whatifitwasn’t,though?Whatiffivedaysonthewatermadehimrealizeitwastoomuchtoosoon?Ortoomuchwork,period?
Maybeshe’dbeenimpulsivetosuggestleavingLAtobeclosertoFox.
Maybesheshouldhavejustgonebackhomeandtriedtodothelong-distancethingforawhile.Butshecouldn’tseeherselfbeinghappywiththat.Notnow.Notwhensheknewhowrightitfelttohavehimatherside.
Atherback.Allaroundher.Didn’thefeelthesame?
Yes.Hedid—andshe’dhavefaithinhisactions.She’dhavefaithinthem.
ThedooropenedandtherestoodOpal,arowofcurlersdownthecenterofherhead.“Oh!Hannah.Iwasjustinthemiddleoftakingtheserollersoutandnowyou’vecaughtmelookingafright.Comein,comein.It’sjustusgirls.Whocares!”Hannahenteredonalaugh,tuckingafingerintoherjeanspockettomakesuretheenvelopewasstillthere,asshe’ddoneahundredtimesonthewalkfromsettoOpal’sbuilding.
“Whatbringsyouby,mydear?Notthatyouneedareason!”
ShefollowedOpalintothebathroomandstartedhelpingherremovethefinalrowofpinkfoamcurlers.“Iwouldhavecalledfirst,butIwastooexcited.”Shewetherlips.“YourememberwhenIaskedforpermissiontouseHenry’ssongsinthemoviewe’refilming?”
“Isurelydo.Butyousaiditwasalongshot.”Opal’shandsdroppedtothesink.“Don’ttellmeit’sreallygoingtohappen,Hannah.”ShescrutinizedHannah’sexpression,andherowntransformedwithawe.“Idon’tbelieveit.I…How?How?They’renotevenrecordedproperly.
They’rejustwordsonapage.”
“Notanymore,”Hannahmurmured,relayingtheeventsofthelastweek.
“Comeon,Ihaveonecueduponmyphonereadytoplay.”Shehookedan
armthroughOpal’s,leadingherfromthebathroomtothecouch.Oncetheyweresettled,shesnuckoutherphoneandopenedthesoundfile,exhalingroughlyasthemusicfilledtheroom.Theopeningdanceofthefiddleandbass,followedbythepurrofAlanaWilder’svocals,themuffledbeatofthedrumaddedinpostproduction.
Hannahthoughtofthemomentonsetwhenshe’dapproachedSergeiandwordlesslyhandedhimasetofAirPods,hittingplayandwatchinghiseyesgowide,hisfingerstappingonhisknees.Thatsenseofaccomplishment.Nomatterwhathedecided,she’dcreatedsomethingmagical.She’dmovedthedialsuntilitallcametogetherandovercomethedoubttogetitdone.
Herfirstleading-ladymove—anddefinitelynotherlast.
Opalcoveredhermouthwithbothhands,herknucklesgoingwhite.
“Oh,Hannah.Oh,thisdoesmysoulgood.It’stheclosestI’vecometospeakingwithhimintwenty-fouryears.It’sextraordinary.”
Warmthspreadinherchest.“Therearemore.Threetotal.AndI’mworkingonrecordingtherest.”ShetooktheenvelopeoutofherpocketandhandedittoOpal,herpulsebeginningtotickfaster.“Inthemeantime,thesongshavebeencopyrightedinyourname,Opal.You’llbegettingapercentageoftheincomegeneratedbythesoundtrack,butImanagedtonegotiateasigningbonus,too.FortheuseofHenry’ssongsinGloryDaze
Itdoesn’tincludewhatevertheproductioncompanywillhavetopayyouiftheyusethesongsinadvertisements—”
“Hannah!”Opalgapedatthecheckshe’dpulledoutoftheenvelope
TheoneSergeihadhandedherthismorning.“Igettokeepthis?”
“That’sright.”
“Oh,Icouldn’t,”shesaid,flustered,tryingtohandbackthecheck.
Hannahpresseditbackagainsthergrandmother’schest.“Youwill.
Henrywouldhavewantedit.”Sheswallowedaroundthesharpobjectinherthroat.“Ifeelconfidentsayingthatnow.Before…Iwouldn’thave.Buthissongshelpedmeknowhim,understandhimbetter…andfamilywashislife.”Shesmiled.“Thisisagoodthing,Opal.”
Hergrandmothersighed,andthelastbitofresistancelefther.“Hewouldhavebeensodamnproudofyou.”
“Ihopeso,”Hannahsaid,pressingawristtoherburningnose.“Nowlet’sgettherestofthosecurlersout.You’vegotsomecashtoburn
through.”
***
Halfanhourlater,Hannahwasbackonset,stillhuggedbythewarmglow.
Shewrappedherarmsaroundhertrustyclipboard,enjoyingthefeelofitagainstherchest,knowingtodaywouldbeherlastdayasaproductionassistant.She’dbeenrighttostartatthebottomandlearntheropes,butthattimewascomingtoadefinitiveclose.Proppingotherpeopleupwassomethingshe’dalwaysdonaturally,becauseshelovedbeingsupportive.
Butcareer-wise?Itwastimetosupportherself,too,andgoafterwhatshewantednext.Tochasethehighshe’dgottenbycreatingartonherownterms.
TheentirecrewcrowdedintoonehalfofCrossandDaughters.OntheothersideofthebarHannahhadrenovatedwithPiper,lightsbeatdownonChristianandMaxine,capturingtheirfinalsceneinthemovie.OnethatSergei,truetoform,hadwrittenintothescriptatthelastsecond,wantingtomaximizethenewsoundtrack.TherehadbeennoplantoshootatCrossandDaughters,butthankfully,Hannahtechnicallyownedhalfthebar.She’dcalledPiperforpermission,eitherway,andhersisterwouldbestoppingbyshortlytoservedrinkstothecelebratingcrew.
InthescenebuildingtoacrescendoinfrontofHannah,ChristianandMaxineweredancingpalmtopalm,happinessandhopeslowlytransformingtheirfeatures.Theirmovementsgrewmorejoyful.Lessrestrained.Itwouldbeinslowmotion,Hannahknew,anditwouldbeaperfectwaytoleavetheaudience.
Aftertwomoretakes,Sergeiyelled,“Cut!”Hehoppedoutofhisdirector’schairandhigh-fivedtheclosestboommicguy.“That’sawrap.”
Everyonecheered.
Christiandroppedcharacterfasterthanaspeedingbullet.“Whohasmycoffee?Hannah?”
Shewavedathim.Waiteduntilhelookedrelieved,thengavehimthefinger.
Hislaughterfilledthebar.
Still,shewasintheprocessoftakingpityontheactoranddeliveringhiscoldbrewoncemoreforoldtime’ssakewhenSergeisteppedintoherpath.
“Hannah.Hey.”Didheseemalmost…nervous?“Ijustwantedtosayagainhowmuchgrainthenewscoreisaddingtothefilm.Itwouldn’thavebeenthesamewithoutthesongs.Orthisplace.”Helaughed.“YoualmosthadasmuchtodowiththemovieasIdid—andI’mtheonewhowroteanddirectedit.”
Anostalgicfondnessforthedirectormadehersmile.“Andyoudidagreatjob,Sergei.It’sgoingtobeyourbestworkyet.”
“Yes,thankyou.”Hehesitated.“You’vealreadygivennotice,andIrespectthat.It’sobviousyou’rereadyforbiggerandbetterthings,butI’llregretnotaskingonemoretimeifyou’llacceptahigherposition.SinceBrinleyappearstobekeepingherwordaboutquitting,someonehastostepinasmusiccoordinator.”
Amonthago,shewouldhavehadtopinchherself,thinkingshe’dbeenhitbyabusandwasapproachingthepearlygates.Ahugepartofherwasthrilledbeyondbeliefthatshe’dprovenherselfenoughtowarrantthiskindofoffer.Shejustcouldn’ttakeit.NotonlybecauseshewantedtomakethingsworkwithFox,butbecauseshe’dlovedworkingforherself.
Discoveringaband,beingpartoftheprocess,comingupwithavision,andseeingitthrough.Sheplannedtocontinueinhernewfoundleading-ladyrole.
“Thankyou,butthisisgoingtobemylastproject,”shesaid.“Idon’tthinkIwouldhavediscoveredwhatIreallywantedtodowithoutStormBorn.Theexperiencehasbeeninvaluable,butI’mmovingon.”
“AndmovingoutofLA,too,I’mguessing.”Hischagrinturneddownthecornersofhismouth.“Forthefisherman.”
“Yes.”Onceagain,shehadtosuppressthescarydoubtthatmarchedintoherstomachlikestormtroopers.“Yes,forFox.”
Sergeimadeanunhappysound.“You’llletmeknowifanythingchanges.Career-wiseorpersonally?”
Shewouldn’t.
Eveniftheworsthappenedandthingsdidn’tworkoutwithFox,sheknewwhatitfeltliketolovesomeonenow.Inthatwild,brutalwaythatcouldn’tbefencedinorreasonedwith.Thecrushshe’dhadonthedirectorseemedlikeasad,wetnoodleincomparison.“Ofcourse,”shesaid,squeezinghisarm.
“Okay,beauties.Whoisreadytoparty?”
HannahsnortedatthesoundofPiper’svoiceandtheresultinggaspsaseveryonerecognizedher.Hannahturnedaroundjustintimetoreceiveasmackingkissonhercheek—whichdefinitelyleftaPiper-sizedlipstickmark—andwatchedeveryonemarvelastheformerpartyprincessofLosAngelesneatlystowedherpursebehindthebarandsmiledattheclosestcrewmember.“Getyouadrink?”
ChristiancameupbesideHannah,jawinthevicinityofhisknees.“Isthat…PiperBellinger?”
“Theveryone,”Hannahanswered,loverushingthroughherveins.“Shemovedherelastsummeraftershefellinlovewithaseacaptain.Isn’tthatromantic?”
“Iguess.Howdoyouknowher?”
“She’smysister.Weownthisplace.”Shetippedherheadinthedirectionofthebar.“Howaboutsomethingalittlestifferthancoffee?”
Hismouthopenedandcloseduntileventuallyhesputtered,“Yeah,IthinkIneedit.”
HannahandChristianhadjustmanagedtowadethroughthebuzzingcrewtothebarwhenHannahstoppeddeadinhertracks.OutlinedinthedoorofCrossandDaughterswasBrendan.But…itwasonlylateafternoon.TheDellaRaywasn’tscheduledtobebackintheharboruntiltonight.Didtheygetbackearly?NervesandanticipationwarredinherstomachatthepossibilityofseeingFoxearlierthanexpected.ButsomethinginBrendan’sexpressioncausedthenervestowin.
“Hey,”shemurmuredwhenherfuturebrother-in-lawreachedher.
“Aren’tyousupposedtobeoutontheboatrightnow?Areyoubackearly?”
Brendandoffedhisbeanieandturneditoverinhishands.“Notbackearly.IputFoxinchargeofthisrun.”
Hannahstarted,replayingthatexplanationsixtimesinherhead,someunwantedtrepidationturningoverinhergut.“Youdid?Wasthatalast-minutedecision?”
“Itwas.Didn’twanttogivehimachancetobackout.”Brendanhesitated,tradingaglancewithPiper.“Itseemedlikeagoodidea.AnditmightworkoutexactlylikeIhopeditwould.Themanhasgreatinstincts,knowledge,andrespectfortheocean—hejustneedstobelieveinhimself.”
Heclearedhisthroat.“Itdidn’toccurtomeuntilaftertheboatleftthatit
mighthavebeenbadtiming.Witheverything…goingonbetweenyoutwo.Hewasgameforthechallenge,butit’salotatonce.”
“Wait…”Hannahswallowedarobin’s-egg-sizedlump,pleasureandshockturningherverystill.“Hetoldyouaboutus?”
“Some.”
Hannahmadeanexasperatedsound.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“HetoldBrendanhehasn’tbeentoSeattlesincelastsummer,”Pipersupplied,leaningforwardonthebartojointheconversation.“He’sbeenwaitingforyou,Hanns.Likea‘lovesickasshole’—andthat’sadirectquote.”
ShebarelyhadtimetoprocesstheimmenseweightofthatrevelationwhenshenoticedBrendanstilllookednervous.Andsheknewtherewasmore.
“Iputtheresttogetherwithouthimtellingme.Ifiguredwithhimfeelinglikethat,andyoutwoinclosequarters,somethingwas…probablyhappening.EventhoughIwentandspoketohimbeforeyouarrived.Askedhimtokeepthingsplatonic—”
“Youdidwhat?”
“And,”Brendancontinued,“Imayhaveremindedhimtokeepthingsfriendlyacoupleoftimessince.”Heclearedhisthroat.“Acouple
dozen.”
“Itakepartialblame,”Pipercalled,wincing.“Weweretryingtolookoutforyou.ButIthinkmaybe…No,Iknowweunderestimatedhimintheprocess.We’vebeendoingitforalongtime.”
“Yeah.Hehadeveryrighttothrowthatbackinmyfacebeforeheleft.”
BrendanreplacedthebeanieonhisheadandacceptedthepintPiperplacedonthebarinfrontofhim,drinkingfromitdeeplyasifthewholeconversationhadmadehimthirsty.Whenhesetitdownagain,hetookhistimelookingatHannah.“IkeptcrowingabouthowmuchItrusthim,wantinghimtotakemyspotbehindthewheel,butIdidn’tputmymoneywheremymouthis.Iregretthat.”
HeattingledinthetipofHannah’snose.Foxhadtoldherhisworstfearwassomeonequestioninghisintentionstowardher,butithadalreadyhappened.Hisownbestfriendhaddoneit.Hadhebeenhurtingoveritallthistime?
God,shewassoproudofhimfortakingthekeystotheboat.
Fortrying.
Shecouldn’thelpbutworry,though.Brendanwasright.Itwasalotatonce.
Theywererightonthevergeofcarvingoutauniqueplaceforthemselves.Aplacetotrytobetogether.Tobuildonwhatwasalreadyatreasuredfriendshipandmakeitintosomuchmore.ButalotofFox’sinsecuritieswerewrappedupinhowpeoplesawhim.Thetown.Thecrew.
Whatifhisturnascaptaindidn’tgoasplanned?Whatifhecamehometoodiscouragedtopickupwherethey’dleftoff?
Itwasn’tthatshedidn’tbelieveinhim.Shedid.Butthey’dleftthingsunsettled,andthisunexpectedchangeofplansmighthavethrownoffthebalanceevenmore.
Twoweeksago,she’dwantedtobealeadinglady.Forthesakeofhercareer,notherlovelife.Buttonightshe’dhavetogatheruphernewfoundsenseofself-purposeandbepreparedtogotowarifnecessary,wouldn’tshe?Becauseshewasnolongerthetypetowatchfromthesidelinesorlivevicariouslythroughothers,bolsteringthemwhenrequired.No,thiswasherstoryline,andshehadtowriteitherself.Scary,sure.Butifshe’dlearnedanythingsincecomingtoWestportasecondtime,itwasthatshewascapableofsomuchmorethansherealized.
HannahsignaledPiperforadrink.“Someliquidcourage,please.”
“Comingrightup.”Amomentlater,Pipershooksomethinginametaltumblerandpoureditintoamartiniglass,slidingitinfrontofhersister.
“Youknow”—Pipertwistedanearring—“alcoholdoesn’thurt,butIfindsomeice-pickheelsandgreathairlendthemostcourageofall.”
“Let’sdoit.”Hannahtossedbackthedrink.“I’mslightlytickedatbothofyouforwarningFoxawayfromme,acapableadulthuman,butIneedallthehelpIcanget.”
“That’sfair,”Brendanrumbled.
“Totallyfair.I’mabouttomakeituptoyou.”Piperthrewbackhershoulderswithasenseofpurpose.“Brendan,watchthebar.Wehaveworktodo.”
***
Foxcheckedthefinalitemoffhisclipboardandhungitbackonthenail,lettingoutthebreathhe’dbeenholdingforthelastfivedays.Hetookthehatoffhisheadanddroppedintothecaptain’schair,staringoutattheharbor.Lettingthetensionseepout.
Below,onthedeckoftheDellaRay,hewatchedthelastofthehaulgetloadedbyDeke,Sanders,andtherestofthecrew.Normallyhewouldbedowntherehelpingthem,buthe’dbeenonthephonewiththemarket,preparingthemforthearrivaloffreshswordfish.He’dbeeninspectingtheboatfromtoptobottom,makingsureeverythingintheengineroomwasrunningproperly,theequipmentsound,thenumbersrecorded.
He’ddoneit.
Asuccessfulfive-daytrip.
He’dgivenordersandthey’dbeenfollowed.Ithelpedthathe’dbeeninsulatedbythewheelhouse,insteadofdownonthedeckwheremostoftheballbreakingtookplace.Moreover,whenthemenretiredtotheirbunksatnight,exhausted,Foxhadstayeduplatemappingtheircourseforthefollowingmorning,refusingtodisappointBrendan.
OrHannah.
Therehadn’tbeenmuchofachancetodeterminehowthemenfeltabouthimtakingover—andmaybethatwasforthebest.Maybeifhekepthisheaddownandcompletedafewmorejobswithoutincident,hecouldeasebackintothegroupslowly,havingbuiltthebeginningsofanewreputation.Hardtobelievesuchathingwaspossibleafteryearsofthelifestylehe’dbeenliving.Thenagain,heneverthoughthe’dgiveupsexforhalfayearinexchangeforwittytextmessagesandrecordcollecting.Butherehewas.
Dying.Fuckingdyingtogethometohisgirl.
Hemissedhersomuch,hewasfullofcracks.
She’dfillallofthemin.Andhewasstartingtothink…
Yeah.Thathecouldeventuallydothesameforher.
“Hey,man,”Dekesaid,slappingthesideofthewheelhouseandduckinghisheadin.“Allset.I’mleavingforthemarket.”
“Great,”Foxsaid,fittinghishatbackon.“Callmewhenyouhaveanumber.”Atthemarket,anattendantwouldtestthefishforagradeofqualityanddecideonthepricepaidforeachone.Theprocesswas
important,becauseitdeterminedtheamountofeveryone’spaycheck.“I’llpassitontoBrendan,andhecancontactthemforpayment.”
“Soundsgood.”Dekenoddedathim,followedbyaplayfullookofdisgust.“Lookatyouinthecaptain’schair.Alllargeandinchargeandmakingextrabank.Likeyouneededanyhelpgettinglaid,huh?”
SandersswungintothewheelhousebesideDeke,elbowinghisfriend.
“Right?Whydon’twejustrolloutaredcarpettotheendofthedock?
Makeiteveneasierfortheladiestofindyou.”
Foxwasfrozentotheseat.
Jesus.Really?
Hehadn’texpectedtheirattitudestowardhimtochangeovernight,buttherewasn’tevenahintofrespectinhowtheyspoketohim.Noteventheslightestchangeintheirdemeanorsorjudgmentofhim.IftheyspoketoBrendanlikethat,theywouldhavebeenfiredbeforetheyfinishedasentence.
Foxfeltlikehe’dbeenhollowedoutbyashovel,buthesummonedahalfsmile,knowingbetterthantolethisannoyanceshow.Ortheribbingwouldprobablyonlygetworse.“Seriously,I’mflatteredbyhowobsessedyouarewithmysexlife.Spendalittlemoretimethinkingofyoursandwewouldn’thavethisproblem.”Hepushedtohisfeetandfacedthem,hisnextwordscomingoutinvoluntarily.Theyjustsailedrightpasthisbetterjudgment,becausehismindwasoccupiedwiththoughtsofoneperson.
“Anyway,I’mnotgoingtoSeattle.Oranywhereelse.I’mgoingtoseeHannah.”
Theirtwinexpressionsofdisbeliefmadehisgutbubblewithdread.
“Hannah,”Sandersrepeatedslowly.“Thelittlesister?Areyouserious?”
Sensinghe’dmadeahugemistakebringingheruplikethis—itwaswaytoosoon,whenhe’dclearlyearnednoneoftheesteemthatamanshouldhaveinordertobeHannah’sboyfriend—Foxbrushedpastthemoutofthewheelhouse,seeingnothinginhispath.Buttheyfollowed.“HeardarumoraboutyoutwoatBlowtheManDown,butevenIdidn’tthinkyouwerethatmuchofadog,”Sanderssaid,someofhisamusementfading.“Comeon,man.She’sasweetheart.Whatareyouthinking?”
“Yeah,”Dekechimedin,crossinghisarms.“Youcouldn’tpickoneofthethousandotherwomenatyourbeckandcall?”
“Thatain’tright,Fox.”Sanders’sexpressionwastransformingtodisgust.“You’resupposedtowifeagirllikethat—youdon’tchewherupandspitherout.”
“Youdon’tthinkIknowthat?”Foxgrowled,takingalungingstepintheirdirection,hissanitygoingupinflames,alongwiththestupid,shortsightedhopethathadbeenbuilding.“Youdon’tthinkIknowshedeservesthebestoffuckingeverything?It’sallIthinkabout.”
Ikissthegroundshewalkson
Iloveher
Theyweremomentarilyshockedintosilencebyhisoutburst,studyinghimwithsubduedcuriosity,butinsteadofaskingFoxabouthisintentions,Dekesaid,“DoesBrendanknowaboutthis?”
AndFoxcouldonlyturnandwalkawaylaughing,thesoundpainfullyhumorless.
God,thewaythey’dlookedathim.Noneoftherespectaffordedtothecaptainofaboat.He’dbeenanidiottothinktheycouldeverseehiminanewlight.They’dtreatedhimlikethescumoftheearthforevenbreathingthesameairasHannah,letalonebeinginarelationshipwithher.FoxcouldonlyimagineHannahgettingthesametalkfromhersister,theirmutualfriends,everyoneinherlife—andtheideamadehimnauseous,adaggerslippingthroughhisribsandtwisting.
Hisworstnightmarewascomingtofruition.Evenearlierthanexpected.
Buthecouldstopitnow.BeforeitgotworseforHannah.BeforeshemovedallthewaytoWestportandrealizedwhatamistakeshe’dmade.
Beforeshewasforcedtomakethisharddecision.
No,he’dmakeitforthemboth,evenifitkilledhim.
Therewasaninvisiblematchinhishand,litandready.Hedidn’tseemtohavemuchchoicebuttodousethebestthinginhislifeinkeroseneandtossthematchstickrightontop.
ChapterTwenty-Three
Anhourlater,Foxstoodintheshadows,leaningagainstthefish-and-chipsshopacrossthestreetfromCrossandDaughters.Heshouldhavestayedhome.Heshouldn’tbeoutheretryingtocatchaglimpseofHannahthroughthefrontwindow,hisveryexistenceseemingtohingeonjustseeingher.Atleastonemoretimebeforeheexplainedthathe’dbeenwrong.Wrongtoevenconsiderthathecouldbegoodforher.
Someonewalkedoutofthebartolightupasmoke,andinthatbriefsecondthedoorwasopen,Hannah’slaughterdriftedoutthroughtheopening.Hisbodyjoltedoffthewall,musclestighteninglikebolts.
Allright,look,hewasstillresponsibleforhersafetyuntilshewentbacktoLosAngeles,sohe’djust…makesureshegothomeokay.
Washeinsane?Ifhehadoneounceofself-preservationrunninginhisblood,he’dhavegonebacktohisapartmentandchangedthelocks.Drunkafifthofwhiskey,blackedout,andwokenupwhenshe’dgone.
Whathadhedoneinstead?
WiththewordsofSandersandDekeringinginhishead,he’dgonethroughthemotionsofashower.Putoncologne.Shewasintown,andtherewasnoearthlywayhecouldstayaway.HimneedingtobenearHannahwasjustafactoflife.Butoncehesawher,hehadtodotherightthing.
Getyourheadinthegame
Youarebreakingitoffwithher
Ascrewdriverslidintohisgutatthethoughtofthat.Breakingitoff.Itsoundedsoharsh,whenhisactionsweretheoppositeofharsh.Hewaspreventingherfrommakingamistakebywastinghertimeonhim.Signingherselfupforthesamelackofrespectthathadbecomeanormalpartofhis
life.Hecouldn’tlethermoveathousandmilestobewithsomeonewhopeople—peoplewhoknewhim—assumedwouldchewherupandspitherout.Ifhisowncrewthoughtsolittleofhim,whatwouldthewholetownthink?Herfamily?
Sogointhereandtellher
Hewould…soon.
He’dgottenontheboatWednesdaymorningonanupswingofhope.
Duringthetrip,thecaptain’swheelfeltgoodslidingthroughhishands,thegrainraspingagainsthispalms.Forabriefmomentintime,thedreamsofhisyouthhadreappearedandsunktheirhooksin,butthatfeelingwaslonggonerightnow.WithHannahbelievinginhim,FoxthoughthecouldearnthesamehonorfromthemenoftheDellaRay,butthatobviouslywasn’tgoingtohappen.Hewasstuckinthisplaceofnoforwardmovement,boxedinbyhisreputation,andhewouldn’tgethercaughttherealongsidehim.Nofuckingway.
Foxpacedafewstepsonthesidewalk,stillunabletoseeHannahthroughthewindow.Maybehe’dgotoBlowtheManDown,haveadrinktosettlehisnerves,andcomeback.Hestartedwalkinginthatdirection—
andthat’swhenhesawher.
StandingatthebarinsideCrossandDaughters.
First,hesawherface,andhisheartdroppedintohisstomach,aripetomatohurtlingdownahundred-footwellandsplatteringatthebottom.
God.God,shewasbeautiful.Hairdown,curlinginplaceshe’dneverseenitcurledbefore.
Heknewthatexpressiononherfacewell,thatmixtureofearnestnessanddistraction,becausesheprobablycouldn’thelplisteningtothemusic,repeatingthelyricsinherhead,thewordsderailingthecourseofwhateverconversationshewashaving.Inthiscase,aconversationwithaman.
NotSergei,butanattractive,actor-lookingtype.
Foxranhistonguealongthefrontofhisteeth,histhroatdryingup.
Don’tyoudarebejealouswhenyou’reabouttoendthings.She’dbebackinLAsoontalkingtomillionsofmen.Therewouldprobablybeawholeherdofthemwaitingonthehighwayoff-ramp,fulloftherightwordsandgoodintentionsand—
Andthat’swhenhenoticedthelittleturquoisedress.
“Ah,Jesus,”hemuttered,changingdirectionsagain.Movingatamuchquickerpacethistime.Evenbeforehewalkedthroughthedoorofthebar,Foxwantedalotmorethanacloserlook.He’dspentfivelonelynightsontheshipwithahard-on,hisdickstiffandachingforHannahandHannahonly.Sowhenhestartedtoweavethroughthecrowd,focusedsolelyonher,hishandswerealreadyitching,andthatwasnotagoodsign.Ifthisharddiscussionwasgoingtobesuccessful,thosehandsneededtostayoffher.
Bestrong
Sheturned,andtheireyesmet—andthankGodthemusicwasloud,becausehemadeasoundmidwaybetweenagonyandrelief.Thereshewas.
Safeandalive.Gorgeousandall-knowingandmercifulandperfect.Anymanwithhalfabraininhisheadwouldgetdownonhiskneesandcrawltowardher,buthe…couldn’tbethatman.Itwasespeciallyhardtoacknowledgethatwhenherfacebrightened,thehazelcolorofhereyesdeepeningtoamossycopper,thatheart-shapedmouthspreadingintoasmile.
“Fox.You’reback.”
“Yeah,”hemanaged,soundinglikeagarrotewastighteningaroundhisthroat.AnditwasagoodthingPiperwasbehindthebar,orhemighthavekissedHannahthenandthere.Twosecondsinherpresence,andhealmostruinedhisplans.Wouldhavebeenworthit,though.“How…areyou?”
Aglimmerofsadnessranalaparoundherface—becausehehadn’tkissedher?—andshesetherdrinkdownonthebar.“Good.I’mfine.”Whydidsheseemtobemeasuringherbreathssocarefully?Wassomethingwrong?“Fox,thisisChristian.”Shegesturedtothemantohisright.“He’stheleadactorinthefilm.He’sanabsolutenightmare.”
“Shespeaksthetruth,”purredtheactorthroughhisteeth,holdingoutahandtoFox.“Andyoumustbetheonetakingherawayfromus.”
JustwhenFoxthoughthisstomachcouldn’tknotanytighter,ittwistedintoapretzel.She’dalreadymadeplans.She’dmadeplansthatwouldmakeiteasierforthemtobetogether.WithHannahstandinginfrontofhim,sofamiliarandsweetandsoft,theword“plans”didn’tsoundquiteasdaunting.Itwaswhentheywereapartthathestartedtodoubthisabilitytoexecuteanykindofplan.Itwasthedoubtofothersthatshookhim.
Theleathercuffaroundhiswristturnedintomoltenmetal,brandinghisskin.
“Oh.No,”Hannahrushedtosay,herfacerapidlyturningpink.“Imean,I…I’mleavingtheproductioncompany.Butthat’sadecisionthatImade…forme.SeparatefromFox.Oranything.”
Untilthatnewscameoutofhermouth,Foxhadn’ttrulyprocessedtheweightofit.Whatitmeantforher.“Youquityourjob?”
Shenodded.Breathed,“They’regoingtousethesongs.Inthefilm.”
“Aw,Hannah.”Hisvoicesoundedlikesandpaper,andhehadtorubatthecenterofhissternum,therushoffeelingtherewassointense.“Damn.
Damn,that’samazing.Youdidit.”
Hereyessparkledupathim,communicatingamillionthings.Hernerves,herexcitement,herpleasuretobesharingthenewswithhim.Foxsuckeditdownlikeaglassofcoolwaterplacedinfrontofathirstyman.
“Yes…”Christianswirledhisdrinklazily,hisattentionmovingbackandforthbetweenHannahandFoxwithunabashedinterest.“Nowshe’sofftogodiscovermorenewbandsandplugthemintoindiesoundtracks.
HannahBellinger,musicbroker.She’sgoingtobetoogoodformesoon.”
Sheplacedasolemnhandontheactor’sshoulder.“I’malreadytoogoodforyou.”
Theguytossedbackhisheadandlaughed.
ThecavemanpartofFox’sbrainrelaxed.
Therewasnothingtobejealousoverhere.HannahandChristianwereobviouslyjustfriends.Buttherewasstillalottoworryabout.Itcouldn’tbeacoincidencethatHannahquitherjobontheheelsofthemdiscussingpotentiallogisticsofarelationship,right?Hadshemadethemoveinanticipationofthemtrying?
Despitehisworryoverthat,hewantedtohearmoreaboutthisnewjob.
Musicbroker.Whatdidthatmeanexactly?Wouldshebetravelingalot?
WasitSeattle-based?Howexcitedwassheonascalefromonetoten?
“You’vedefinitelymadealotofdecisionssinceIleft,”hesaid,keepinghisquestionstohimself.Verysoon,theywouldn’tbeanyofhisbusiness.
Hannahstudiedhisface.“Lookslikeyou’vemadealotofdecisions,too.”
“Lord,theundercurrentsarea-flowing,”Christianmuttered,regardingthem.“I’mgoingtogomakefunoftheinterns.Youfolkshavefunworkingthisout.”
Silencelandedhardassoonastheywerealone.
Hisbrainrepeatedthespeechhe’dpracticedonthewalkthroughtown.
I’msorry.Youareamazing.Mybestfriend.ButIcan’taskyoutomovehere.Ican’tmakethiswork
Hismouthsaid,“Youlookincredible.”
“Thanks.”Sheforcedasmile,afakeone,andhewantedtokissitrightoffhermouth.Youdon’tfakeanythingwithme.“Areyougoingtobreakupwithmehereorsomewherealittlemoreprivate?”
“Hannah.”Shockmadehernamesoundravaged,andhetunedhisfaceaway,unabletolookather.“Don’tsay‘breakup.’Idon’tlikehowthatsounds.”
“Why?”
“ItsoundslikeI’m…”
Pushingyouaway.Severingourconnection
OhGod,hecouldn’tdothat.Mightaswellramanicepickintohisheart.
“Canwemutuallyagreeonthis,please?”Foxasked,hislowerbodycoilingtightwhensomeoneinthecrowdnudgedhercloser,bringingthetipsofherbreastsupagainsthischest.Momentarily,helosthistrainofthought.Wassheevenwearingabrawiththatdress?
Whathadhebeensaying?
“If
we
both
agree
on
this”—he
swallowed
the
word
“breakup”—“changeofstatus,thenwecanstayfriends.Ineedtostayfriendswithyou,Hannah.”
“Mmmm.”Thehurtshewastryingsodesperatelytohide—chinlifted,gazeunwavering—guttedhimslowly.“SowhenIcometoWestportforavisit,we’llhangoutlikenothingeverhappened.MaybelistentomyFleetwoodMacalbum?”
Ittookhimamomenttospeak.Toformaresponse.Becausewhatcouldhesaytothat?He’dconfessedthetruthtoherattheSoundGarden.
Ihaditbadforyou.Iftheconventiondidn’tmakeitobvious,IthoughtforsuretheFleetwoodMacalbumwoulddoit.I’vegotitsobadforyou,Hannah
Really…reallybad
Wassherememberingthosewords,too?Isthatwhysheraisedherchinanothernotchanddeliveredyetanotherblowtohisresolve?“Look,I’mnot
goingtofightyouonthis,Fox.”Sherolledadelicateshoulder.“You’reendingwhateverthiswasdevelopingintoandthat’sfine.It’syourright.”
Hewatchedhelplesslyandmiserablyasshewetherlips.
Whathappenednow?Theyjustwalkedawayfromeachother?
Washereallystrongenoughtodothat?
“Couldyoudoonelastthingforme?”sheasked,brushingtheirfingertipstogethereversoslightly.
“Yes,”hesaidhoarsely,histemplesbeginningtopound.
Hannahtiltedherhead,andheeagerlymemorizedthecurveofherneck.
“Iwantagood-byekiss.”
Fox’seyesflewtoHannah’s,lustrackinghim,alongwith…panic.
Flat-outpanic.Nowayhecouldkissherandleaveitatthat.Wassheawareofhowdifficultthatwouldbe?Howimpossible?Wasthathergame?Herexpressionwassoinnocent,itdidn’tseempossible.Norwasitpossibletodenyherrequest.Todenyheranything.
He’dkissherhere.Inpublic,whereitwassafe.
Right.
Likeanythingabouttouchingherwassafewhenhewasonthevergeofbreaking.Shatteringintoathousandtinypieces.
FoxlickedhislipsandsteppedclosertoHannah,hishandsettlingonherhipasifmagnetized.Histhumbencounteredaveryslightshape,almostlikea…tinystrap,andhelookeddown,watchinghisfingersfeelitout.
“Whatpantiesarethese?”
“Idon’tseehowthatmatters.Thisisjustakiss.”
It’saG-string.Iknowit’safuckingG-string
Jesus,she’dlooksohotinit.
“Right.”Heexhaled,pulsehammeringatthebaseofhisneck.“Agood-byekiss.”
“That’sright.”Sheblinkedathimslowly.“Forclosure.”
Closure.
Caseclosed.
Thatwaswhathe’ddecided.Thatwaswhatneededtohappen.
She’dthankhimsomeday.
Hermouthwassosoft-looking,lipspartedjustatouch,waitingforhimtoplacehisownontopofthem.Onekiss.Notongue.Notastingorhe’dbe
agoner,becausenooneontheplanethadherperfectflavor,andheneededthememoryofittofade,notgrowstronger.
Nicetry
Thememoryofherisnever,evergoingtofade
Fox,apparentlyself-destructive,loweredhisheadanyway,desperatetogethisfillofheronelasttime—
Abellstartedringingbehindthebar,Piperyelling,“Lastcall.Payupandhitthebricks,kiddies.”
Hannahtuggedoutofhisarms,shrugging.“Ohwell.”
Hismindstruggledtoplaycatch-up,theflyofhisjeansinfinitelytighterthanithadbeenuponwalkingintothebar.“Wait.What?”
Despiteherflushedcomplexion,hertonewascasual.“Badtiming,Iguess.”
“Hannah,”hegrowled,steppingintoherspace,twistinghishandsinthesidesofherdress.“You’regettingthekiss.”
Shemadeawishy-washysound.“Imean,IguessIneedtograbmybagfromyourapartment,anyway.Thebusleavesatseveninthemorning.”
Hisheadswam,stomachbottomingout,crashingstraightdownthroughthefloorboardsofCrossandDaughters.He’dknownthebuswouldeventuallydepart,butsomehowhe’dblockedoutthatinformation.Nostavingitoffnow.Shewasgoing.Leaving.Herdecisionhadbeenhingingonhim,andtheybothknewhe’dmadeit.
You’redoingtherightthing
“I’mgoingtochangeoutofthisdress,too,”shemuttered,halftoherself.
Oh,butheheardit.AnddefinitelypicturedhersteppingoutoftheturquoisematerialinnothingbutaG-stringandheels.Definitelyimaginedhismouthonherskinand,Christ,thatutterlyperfectcoming-homefeelingonlyHannahgavehim.
Piperrangthebellagain,andthebarlightsflashed.
“Iguesswebettergo,”Hannahsaid,breezingpasthim.
Worriedhemightverywellbewalkingtohisdoom,Foxwashelplesstodoanythingbutfollow.
ChapterTwenty-Four
Hannah’sheartwasbreaking.
He’ddoneit.He’dreallydoneit.
She’dbeenconcerned,ofcourse.ThatFoxwouldreturnfromhistrip,havingbeendupedbyhisbestfriend,andstrainunderthepressureofsimultaneousshiftsinhiscareerandpersonallife.Butshe’dhungontoherfaith,positivehewouldn’tbeabletolookherintheeyeandputastop-workorderonwhattheywerebuildingtogether.He’ddoneit,though.He’dreally,actuallydoneit,andassheclippedupthestairstohisapartment,herheartbumpedalongbehindher,bruisedandbloody.
God.ThedisobedientorganhadalmostburstfreefromherchestwhenhewalkedintoCrossandDaughters,she’dbeensohappytoseehim.
Stupid.Sonaiveandstupid.
Getyourbagandleave
Justgo
Kissinghimwouldonlymakethepaintentimesworse,anyway.She’dkeptthegood-byekissinherbackpocketasalastresort,knowingitwouldbreakdownanydefenseshe’dbuiltupoverthelastfivedays,butnow…
nowshedidn’twanttofallbackonlastresorts.Shewantedtofindadarkplacetocrawlintoandcry.
Partofherknewthatwasn’tfair.IfFoxdidn’twanttobeinarelationship,sheshouldrespectthat,beabiggirl,andwishhimwell.Afterall,she’dknownabouthiscementedbachelorstatussincethebeginning.
Thiswasn’tbreakingnews.Buttellthattoherheart.
Hannahunlockedthedoorandwentinside,heelsclickingasshetraversedtheapartment,Foxenteringslowlybehindher.Thescentofhisshowerstillhungintheair,andshebreatheditin,makingherwaytothe
bedroom,whereshe’dlefthersuitcasepackedandreadytogo,somesixthsensetellingherbeingpreparedwaswise.She’dhopedtounpackitagaintomorrow,however.TostayinWestport.Thathewouldn’tletherleavewithoutfiguringoutwheretheystood.
Aswasherroutine,shetappedonthepinkHimalayansaltlamp,forgoingtheoverheadlight,castingthedarkroominablushingglow.
Heavingthecaseupontothebedandunzippingit,shetookoutapairofcottonpanties,jeans,andaJohnnyCashT-shirt.Laidtheoutfitonthebedandwenttoclosetheguest-roomdoorsoshecouldchange.ButshedrewupshortwhenshefoundFoxstandinginthedoorway,outlinedinpink,watchingherwithaforearmproppedhighonthejamb,expressiontornandtortured.
“Ineedtochange.”
Hedidn’tmove.
Frustratedwithhim,witheverything,shemarchedoverandshovedatthecenterofhischesttotrytogethimoutoftheroom,herannoyanceonlyincreasingwhenhissturdyfishermanframedidn’tbudgeaninch.“LetmechangesoIcango.”
“Idon’twantyoutoleavelikethis.”
“Wedon’talwaysgetwhatwewant.”
Still,hestayedput,grindingglasswiththatsquarejaw.
Andshe’dhadenough.
Hannahcouldn’trememberasingletimeinherlifeshe’dwantedtolashoutsobadly.Bynature,shewasnotalasher.Shewasahelper.Amediator.
Asolver.Hedidn’twanthertostaybutwouldn’tletherchangesoshecouldleave,either?Whothehelldidhethinkhewas?Herhandsitchedtopushhimagain.Harder.Shehadamoreeffectiveweapon,though,andshe’dlearnedfromthebesthowtouseit.She’dbehurtingherselfintheprocess,sure,butatleastshe’dhaveherpride.
Showhimwhathe’llbemissing
Onherwaybacktothebed,shestrippedtheturquoisedressoverherhead,gettinganimmenseamountofsatisfactionfromhisshakyhissofbreath.Slowly,shefoldedtheborrowedgarment,bendingforwardslightlytotuckitintohersuitcase,andFox’sgutturalcursefilledtheroom.
“Christ,Hannah.Youlookhotasfuck.”
Everylastoneofhernerveendingspoppedlikechampagnecorksashiswarmthmaterializedbehindher.Whenshestraightenedandherbarebacklandedflushagainsthisheavingchest,shecouldonlycompareittothatbreathlessmomentonaFerriswheelwhenyouhitthetopthefirsttimeandtheworldspreadsoutinfrontofyou,hugeandwondrous.Hotshiverstraveledupherarms,startingatherfingertips,hernipplestinglingandtightening—andhehadn’teventouchedheryet.
AnotchinHannah’sthroatmadeherwanttoturnaround,pressherfaceintohischest,andbeghimnottowalkawayfromthem.Shealmostdidit.
Untilheplacedhisopenmouthbeneathherearandmurmured,“Timeforthatgood-byekissyet?”
Andherdeterminationtoshowhimwhathewasgivingupreneweditself.
Notonlythat,butshewantedtotakeasledgehammertohiswallsandwalkawaywhiletherubblesmoked.Thosedesiresbelongedtoastranger.
Thenagain,sodidtheloveandheartbreakshe’dexperiencedwiththisman.
Noneofitwasfamiliarandallofithurt,soshe’dindulgeherimpulsesanddealwiththefalloutlater.Itwasgoingtobepainfulnomatterwhat,right?
Hannahturned,thesmoothmovementofherhandsclimbinghischestderailedbythetorturedlookonhisface.Sherecoveredquickly,however,takingtightholdofhiscollarandturningthem,urgingFoxintoasittingpositionontheedgeofthebed.Hiseagerblueeyeslandedeverywhere,herpoutingbreasts,hermouth,theplacebetweenherlegs,hishandsrakingupanddownthethighsofhisjeans,throatmusclesworkingroughly.
“Justonekiss,”Hannahwhisperedagainsthismouth.“Ourlast.”
Hemadeajaggedsoundthatshiftedaspikeinsideher.Madeherwanttoholdhim,butthehurturgedheron.Overrodetheimpulse.
Slowly,shestraddledhislapandsatdown,scootinguntilshemettheproofofwhathereallywanted,thestiffness,thegenerouslengthofit.Andshepresseddownwithherhips,lettinghertongueteaseintohismouthatthesametime,softlipswrithinggentlyontopofhardones,hisstubblegrazingherchin.Justasthepacestartedtopickup,hishandsclosingaroundherbuttcheekstodrawhercloser,closer,Hannahpulledhermouthaway,bothofthembreathingerratically.
Fox’sfistwoundinherhair,hishipsshiftingbeneathher.“Youdidn’tstripformejusttobekissed,Hannah.”
Heyankedherlowerbodytighteragainsthislap,draggingthevalleyofhersexovertheridgeofhiserection,rockingheronce,twice,makingherwhimperloudly.“Whatelsewerey-youthinking?”
Foxhuffedapainedlaugh.“Whateveractyou’reputtingon,pleaseknockitoff,”hegrowled,grindingtheirforeheadstogether.“JustbemyHannah.”
Thespikeinherchestdugdeeper.“I’mnotyourHannah.”
Apossessivelightcameoninhiseyes,thoughconflicted.Asifheknewhe’dforfeitedtherighttocallherthatbutwasn’treadytorelinquishtheclaimonhisnoveltyjustyet.Becausethat’swhatshe’dbeentohim,right?
Anovelty.Atemporarydiversion.Asbadlyasshe’dwantedtobedifferent,she’dgottenthesameoutcomeaseveryoneelse.
Notspecial.
“MaybeIplantedaseedatleast?”shehalfwhispered.“Maybeonedayyou’llmeetsomeoneandthiswon’tbeasscary.”
Hiseyeswidenedasshespoke.“Meetsomeone?Someone…else?Areyouserious?Youthinkthiscouldhappentwice?”
Hurtstruckher.Hewasn’thidinghisfeelings.Hewantedher,neededher,butwasstillchoosingtosendheraway?Goddamnhim.Hannahtriedtoclimboffhislap,butFox—lookingpanicked—surgedforwardandcaughthermouthinakiss.Asoulsuckerthatputeverycellinherbodyonhighalert.Warnedthemtheywerebeinginvaded.Shestruggledtokeepherthoughtsclear,torememberherplantomakehimregretsendingheraway,buttherewasonlythemagicofhismouth,hisstrong,welcomingbody,andthehedonisticrockoftheirhips.
Herownbarrierscamecrashingdown,releasingasobinherthroat,herhandscominguptoframehisface,holdinghim,runningherfingersthroughhishairastheykisseddesperately,soveryawareitwasthelasttime.Itsoonbecameobvioustheyweren’tgoingtostopatkissing.AsignificantpartofHannahhadknownthatwhenshetookofftheturquoisedress.Hismiddlefingertraveleddownthecrackofherbacksidetopetherfleshfrombehind,makingsexthatmuchmoreinevitable,becauseGod,shewassowet.Instantly.
Theirmouthsmovedatafrenziedpace,onlybreakingapartbrieflytowhipoffFox’sshirtandthendivebackin,herpalmsclimbingovermuscleandtanglingbackintohishair.Headdedasecondfingeragainsther
dampeningpanties,thenathird,massagingherfromtheback,histonguesinkinginandoutofhermouth.OhGod,ohGod,shewasn’tincontrolanymore.Herbodybegged,pleadedforthatfullsensation,thatstretchofhiminsideher…andshewasfumblingwiththebuttonandzipperofhisjeansbeforeshe’devenmadeuphermindtodoso,ruledsimplybyneed,need,need.
Timestoppedwhenshedrewhimoutthroughtheopening,strokinghimupanddowninalovingfist.Thekisssuspendeditself,buttheirmouthsremainedrightontopofeachother,breathsfiringinandout.
“Goon,babe,slipitin,”herasped,hiseyesglazedwithhungerandsomethingelse,somethingdeepershecouldn’tname.“Itmissedyou.I..
fuck.Imissedyou.Imissedyousomuch.Hannah,please.”
He’dstruckherdown,hurther,madehervulnerable,sosheclosedhereyesanddidn’trespondinkind,thoughthewordsachedtoescapeherthroat.Imissedyou,too.Iloveyou.Instead,sheguidedhisshaftbetweenherthighs,FoxgruntingandtuggingtheG-stringtotheside,allowinghertopositionhistipjustinsideherentranceandslowly,slowly,takehimdeep,bothofthemwatchingithappen,voyeursoftheirownlust.
“Shit,shit,shit,”Foxgroundout,hisheadfallingback.“Nocondom.Ididn’tputonacondom,Hannah.”
Hegropedblindlyforhiswallet,buthegaveupquickly,gaspingandclutchingHannah’shipswhenshebuckedinvoluntarily,moaningonhislap,digginghernailsintohisshoulders.“I…don’t.Ican’t.”
Ashudderrackedhim.“Youcan’twhat?Stop?”
Wasshenoddingorshakingherhead?Shehadnoidea.Thedeeppressofhishardnessrobbedherofrationalthought,sensationrushingtohercore,quickeningthoseintimatemuscles,turningthemintothrobbinglittlepulsepoints.
“Hannah,”Foxsaid,forcinghertolookhimintheeye,hisbreathpeltingherlips.“Areyouonsomething?”
“Yes,”shesobbed,theimportanceoftheconversationfinallymakingitthroughthesexstaticinherbrain.“Yes,Igettheshot.Igetit.”
Sherodehimwithacircleofherhips,andhiseyesrolledbackinhishead.“Oh.Jesus.Thatfeelssofuckinggood.”Hevisiblystruggledtoremaincoherent.“I’mclean.Gotcheckedlasttimeyouwerehere.”
Thatconfessionmadeherquake.“Andthere’sbeennoonesince,hasthere.”
Itwasn’taquestion.Shealreadyknewtheanswer.
Eyesclenchingshut,heshookhishead.“No,”hewhispered.“Godno,Freckles.Ionlywanttobetouchedbyyou.”
Hismouthwasbackonhers,kissingherintoastateofdesperation,hishandsholdingherbuttockstighttorakeherupandbackinhislap,histhicknessenteringandleavingherinsmoothstrokesthatrubbedthatplace,ohLord,thatspot.Rightthere.Itwasalreadyswollenfromhisfingers,andnowheexploitedit,movingjustright.Exactlyhowsheneeded,deliveringfrictionthatengulfedherentirebodyinheat.Madeherfeelsexualandpowerfulandfeminineanduninhibited.Somuchsothatshebrokethekisstoleanback,offeringherbreaststohismouthwithunsteadyhands,whininghisnamewhenhesuckedhernippleseagerly,hungrily,leftthenright,theirfleshnowbeginningtosmackwetly.
AndthenFoxbroughtahanddown,roughlyslappingherbottom,histeethcapturingthelobeofherear.“Touchyourclit.”Hespankedheragain.
Harder.Twice.“Helpmegetyouthere,Hannah.Now.Jesus,you’vegotmesofuckingthick,Idon’tevenknowwhentheendiscoming.IjustknowifItouchyouthere,it’sover.Playwithit.”
Breathrattlinginandoutofherpartedlips,Hannahdraggedhershakingrighthanddownwardfromhisshoulderandfoundthatsensitivebud,bitingherlipassherubbeditupanddown,upanddown,switchingtoquick,quickcircles,hermoanminglingwithFox’sashejerkedherupandback,faster,faster.
“Lookatmewhileyoudoit.”Abeadofsweatrolleddownthesideofhishead.“Lookatmewhilewegetyouoff.”
“Notjustme,”shemanagedonanexhale.
Heshookhishead,themovementjerky.“Insidethistightthingwithoutarubberwatchingyouridedicklikeyou’veneverhaditsogood?”Heleanedbackonhiselbowsandstartedtoupthrust,abdomenflexing,bouncingheronhislap,breakingthedamofherpleasurewideopen.
“Nothinginthisworldcouldstopmegettingoff.”
Hannahcrested,lungsseizing,muscleslockingtightastheorgasmtookcontrol,keepingherbodyprisonerwhileitwreakedhavoc,clenchinghersexaroundFoxandtakinghimpastthebreakingpoint,too.Theyground
outthepleasure,hipspushingdownandpressingup,fingersdiggingintoskin,teethscrapingflesh,loudgroansrendingtheairoftheglowingpinkbedroom,hismoisturestreakingdownherinnerthighs,hisdirtyspeechechoinginherhead,prolongingthepleasure.
Insidethistightthingwithoutarubber…
Watchingyouridedick…
Foxwentflatonhisback,takingHannahwithhim,bothofthemspentbutremaininglockedtogether,herheadrestingonhisshoulder.Theirharshinhalesandexhalesfilledtheroom,hisfingertipsstrokingupanddownherbackthroughthecoolingsweat,mouthmovinginherhair.Apricelessembracethatwaseverythingrightintheworld.Everythinghonestandperfect.And.
Shewasn’tgivingthisup.
Godhelpher,she’driddenthetideofmoreemotionstonightthanshe’deverexperiencedinherlife.Hopefulness,denial,devastation,anger.Whenhe’dwalkedintoCrossandDaughtersobviouslydeterminedtobreakupwithher,she’dlosthercourage.Herresolve.Theheartachehadbeensoimmense,there’dbeennoroomforpositivity.Therewasonlysurvival.Butbeforehe’dreturnedfromtheocean,she’ddecidedtofight,hadn’tshe?
Andnowhereshewas,atthefinalround,weavingonherfeet,closinginonunconsciousness,readytoquitjusttomitigatethepain.Isn’tthiswhensheneededtobeatherstrongest?
Isn’tthiswhenbeingaleadingladyreallycounted?Whenshewantedtoquit?
Andafterwhatshe’daccomplishedoverthelasttwoweeks,shedidn’thaveanyexcuses.Shecoulddoanything.Shecouldbebrave.Lyinginthefetalpositionwithapintoficecreamwasn’tgoingtosalvagearelationshipsheknewdamnwellcouldbeamazingandlasting.Foxneededhertobelieveinhimrightnow,whenhisself-doubtwasblindinghim—andsheneededtobelieveinherself,too.
HannahkissedFox’sshoulderandrolledtotheside,climbingoffthebed.
Outwardly,sheappearedcalm,butontheinsideherpulsewasgoingathousandmilesanhour,atrenchdiggingitselfinherstomach.Foxsatupandwatchedherthroughbloodshoteyesasshedressedinjeansandher
JohnnyCashT-shirt,eventuallydroppinghisheadintohishands,fingerstearingathishair.
Shezippedhersuitcaseagainandstoodinfrontofhim,workingtokeephervoiceeven,thoughtheeffortdidn’tquitepayoff.“I’mnotgivinguponus.”
Hisheadcameupfast,eyessearchingherface.Withwhat?Hope?
Shock?
“Yeah,um”—sheswallowed,gatheredhercourage—“I’mnot.Givinguponyou.Onus.You’rejustgoingtohavetodealwithit,allright?”
Hewasamanafraidtoswimtowardaliferaft.Shecouldseeit.
“Whathappenedsinceyouleftme?”shewhispered,fightingtheurgetostrokehisface.Hisbeautifulfacethatlookedtornandhaggardforonce.
Foxpressedhislipstogether,lookedaway.Spokeinarawvoice.“Itdidn’tmatter.ItwasnevergoingtomatterhowqualifiedIamforthecaptain’schair.HowwellIcanmanagetheboatunderpressure.NomatterwhatIdo,I’lljustbesomeonetheymockanddoubtandcriticize.Someonetheycan’trespectortakeseriously.Ahallpass.Thebackdoorguy.Andthatwillextendtoyou,Hannah.YourwatersareclearandI’llmuddythem.”Hemassagedthecenterofhisforehead.“Youshouldhaveheardhowhorrifiedtheywere.Overus.Iknewitwouldhappeneventually,butgoddamn,itwasworse.”
Witheveryfiberofherbeing,shewantedtocradlehisheadtoherbreastandbegentle.Besupportive.Ifhe’dbeenpushedintobreakingupwithher,whateverhiscrewmatessaidmusthavebeenbad.Reallybad.Buthedidn’tneedsweetandcautiousencouragementrightnow.
Heneededagood,hardwake-upcall.
“Fox,listentome.Idon’tcarehowmanydifferentbedsyou’vebeenin.
Iknowyoubelonginmine.AndIbelonginyours,andthat’swhatmatters.
You’retakingsomethingthathappenedincollegeoutonus.You’retakingthestupidityandshortsightednessofothersoutonus.Thehurttheycausedyou…it’svalid.It’smeaningful.Butyoucan’ttakethebadlessonsyoulearnedandapplythemtoeverygoodthingthatcomesyourway.Becausethere’snothingbadaboutwhatwehave.It’sreally,reallygood.”Hervoicegrewchoppy.“You’rewonderful,andIloveyou.Okay,youstupididiot?
Sowhenyou’vedonesomethinkingandpulledyourheadoutofyourstubbornass,comeandfindme.You’reworththewait.”
Eyesheavywithmoisture,chestthunderingupanddown,Foxstoodandtriedtowraphisarmsaroundher,butshemovedoutofhisreach.“Hannah.
Comehere,please.Letmeholdyou.Let’stalkaboutthis—”
“No.”Herbodyachedfromthetouchshedeniedherself,butshecouldbestrong.Shecoulddowhatneededtobedone.“ImeantwhatIsaid.Takesometimeandthink.Becausenexttimeyoutellmegood-bye,I’llbelieveyou.”
Onunsteadylegs,sheturnedandwheeledhersuitcaseoutoftheapartment,leavingaravagedFoxinherwake.
ChapterTwenty-Five
Foxhadneverbeenoverboard,butthatpossibilitystruckfearintheheartofeveryfisherman.Thechancesofbeingsuckeddownintotheicycolddrink,theairdrawnstraightoutofhislungs,thehulloftheshipbecomingsmallerandsmallerabove,landadistantmemory.YetheknewwithdeadcertaintythatmeetinghisdemiseatthebottomoftheoceanwouldbefavorablecomparedtowatchingHannahwalkouthisfrontdoor,hershouldersshakingwithsilenttears.
He’dbeensosurehewasdoingtherightthing.
Buthowcouldtherightthingmakethatsweetgirlcry?
OhJesus,he’dmadehercry.Andshelovedhim.
Shefuckinglovedhim?
Hisfeetwouldn’tmove,hiseyesburned,hisbodyached.Heshouldgoafterher,butheknewHannah.Noneofthewordsinhisheadrightnowwerethecorrectones,andshewasn’tgoingtoacceptanythingless.Christ,hecouldn’thelpbutbeproudofthewayshe’dlookedhimintheeyeandreadhimtheriotact,evenasshetoretheheartcleanoutofhischest.Thatwassomerealleading-ladyshit.
Iloveyoumorethanlife.Don’tgo
Thosewerethewordshewantedtoshoutatherretreatingback.Theywouldn’tpenetrate,though.Hecouldseethat.Shedidn’twantimpulsive,emotionalstatementsfromhim.Shewantedhimto…pullhisheadoutofhisstubbornass.
ThedoorclickedshutbehindHannah,andhiskneesgaveout,droppinghimdowntothebed,notastitchofclothingon.Withhispoundingheadclutchedinhishands,heshoutedavilecurseintothesilentroomthatsmelledlikeher,afishhookimpalinghisgulletandrippingdownward,all
thewaytohisbelly.Heneededherbackinhisarmssobadly,hisentirebodyshookinbereavement.
Butasterriblyashewantedherback,Foxdidn’tknowhowtodoittherightway.Hehadnoearthlycluehowtomakehisheadhealthyforher.Forthem.
Heonlyknewonething.Theanswersweren’tinthisemptyapartment,andthelackofHannah’spresencemockedhimeverywhere.Inhisbedroomwherethey’dspentnightswrappedaroundeachother,thekitchenwherehe’dfedhersoupandicecream,thelivingroomwhereshe’dcriedoverherfather.Asquicklyashecould,hedraggedhisjeansandT-shirtbackon,grabbedhiscarkeys,andleft.
***
Thechangeofscenerydidn’thelp.
Itwasn’ttheapartmentHannahwashauntingsobeautifully.
Itwashim.
Didn’tmatterhowhardheappliedthegaspedal,shecamewithhim,asifhermusseddirty-blondheadwasrestingonhisshoulder,herfingerslazilyplayingwiththeradio.Theimagestrucksodeep,hehadtobreathethroughit
Foxhadnoideawherehewasgoing.Noclueatall.
Notuntilhepulledupoutsidehismother’sapartment.
Hecuttheengineandsattheredumbfounded.Whyhere?
Andhadhereallybeendrivingafulltwohours?
Charlenehadsoldhischildhoodhomealongtimeagoandboughtacondoinwhatamountedtoaretirementcomplex.Hismothergrewupnextdoortotheoldfolks’homewhereherparentsworked,andshe’dalwaysbeenmostcomfortablearoundtheblue-hairedcrowd,henceherlivingsituationandjobasabingocaller.Fox’sfatherhadalwaysmadefunofherforthat,tellinghershewouldgetoldbeforehertime,butFoxdidn’tseeitthatway.Charlenejuststucktowhatsheknew.
Foxstaredthroughthewindshieldatthecomplex,theemptypoolvisiblethroughthesidegate.Hecouldcountononehandthenumberoftimeshe’dbeenhere.Abirthdayortwo.Christmasmorning.He’dhavecomemoreoftenifhedidn’tknowitwasdifficultforhismothertolookathim.
Ontopoftonight’scatastrophe,didhereallywanttoseehismotherandencountertheflinch?Maybehedid.Maybehe’dcomeheretopunishhimselfforhurtingHannah.Formakinghercry.Forfailingtobethemanshestubbornlybelievedhimtobe.
Takesometimeandthink
Becausenexttimeyoutellmegood-bye,I’llbelieveyou
Didthatmeanshedidn’tbelievehimtonight?
Didsheknowhewouldn’thavemadeitadaywithouttextingher?Didsheknowhe’dmeltatthesightofherfortherestofhislife,everysingletimeshevisitedWestport?Didshesuspecthe’dflytoLAandbegforforgiveness?
Heprobablywouldhavedoneallthosethings.
Buthe’dstillbethesameperson,withallthesamehang-ups.
Andhedidn’twantthemanymore.
Admittingthattohimselfuntangledthefishinglineinhisgut,gavehimtheimpetustoclimboutofthecar.Alltheapartmentswereidentical,sohehadtodouble-checkhismother’saddressinhisphonecontacts.Thenhewasstandinginfrontofherdoor,fistpoisedtoknock,whenCharleneopenedit.
Wincedatthesightofhim.
Foxtookitonthechin,likehealwaysdid.Smiled.Leanedinandkissedhercheek.“Hey,Ma.”
Shefoldedherarmsbehindhisneck,squeezinghimtight.“Well!
Carolinefrom1Acalledandsaidtherewasahandsomemanlurkingintheparkinglot,andIwasgoingtoinspect.Turnsoutitwasmyson!”
Foxattemptedachuckle,buthisthroatonlysoundedlikeagarbagedisposal.God,hefeltlikehe’dbeenrunover,theachesandpainsstemmingfromthemiddleofhischest.“Nexttime,don’tgocheckitoutyourself.
Callthepolice.”
“Oh,IwasjustgoingtolookthroughCaroline’sbinocularsandhaveagababoutit.Don’tworryaboutme,boy.I’mindestructible.”Shesteppedbackandlookedathim.“NotsureIcansaythesameforyou.Neverseenyoulooksogreenaroundthegills.”
“Yeah.”Finally,shetookhiselbowandusheredhiminside,pointinghimtowardthesmalldining-roomtable,wherehetookaseat.Theround
pieceoffurniturewaspaintedpowderblue,coveredinknickknacks,butthemisshapenfrogashtraywaswhatcaughthisattention.“DidImakethis?”
“Suredid.Ceramicsclassyoursophomoreyearofhighschool.Coffee?”
“No,thanks.”
Charlenesatdownacrossfromhimwithasteamingmuginherhand.
“Well,goon.”Shepausedtotakeasip.“TellmewhathappenedwithHannah.”
Fox’schestwantedtocaveinjusthearinghername.“Howdidyouknow?”
“It’slikeIalwayssay,amandoesn’tbringawomantobingounlesshe’sseriousabouther.”Shetappedanailagainsthermug.“Nah.Butintruth,Icouldtellbythewayyoulookedather,shewassomethingrealspecial.”
“HowdidIlookather?”Hewasafraidtofindout.
“Ah,son.Likeasummerdayshowingupafterahundredyearsofwinter.”
Foxcouldn’tspeakforlongmoments.Couldonlystaredownatthetable,tryingtogetridofthepainfulsqueezeinhisthroat,seventeenincarnationsofHannah’ssmileplayinginhishead.“Yeah,well.Itoldheritwasovertonight.Shedisagreed.”
Charlenehadtosethercoffeedown,shewaslaughingsohard.“Holdontothatone.”Sheusedherwristtoswipeathereyes.“She’sakeeper.”
“Youdon’treallythinkIcould,though.”Hetwistedtheceramicfrogonthetable.“Holdontoher.Holdontoanyone.”
Hismother’slaughtercutoffabruptly.“Andwhynot?”
“Youknowwhy.”
“Isurelydonot.”
Foxlaughedwithouthumor.“Youknow,Ma.ThewayIkeptDad’slegacyalive.ThewayI’vecarriedonmorethanhalfmylifenow.That’swhatIknow.That’swhatI’musedto.It’snousetryingtobesomethingI’mnot.And,Jesus,I’mdefinitelynotonehalfofacouple.”
Charlenefellsilent,lookingalmostpained.Proofthatsheagreed.
Maybeshedidn’twanttosayitoutloud,butsheknewhespokethetruth.
Itwastoohardtowitnessherdisappointment,butwhenFoxstoodtoleave,Charlenespokeandheloweredbackintotheseat.
“Youneverhadthechancetotry…tobeanythingelse.‘He’sgoingtobeaheartbreaker,justlikehisfather.’That’swhateveryoneusedtosay,and
Ilaughed.Ilaughed,butitstuck.Andthen…”
“What?”
“Thisishardtotalkabout,”shesaidquietly,standingtotopoffhercoffee,eventuallysittingbackdownandvisiblygatheringherpoise.“I’dspentyearsofmylifetryingtochangeyourfather.Makehimahome,makehimhappywithmeandmealone.Usalone.Well,youknowhowthatworkedout.Hecamehomesmellinglikeaperfumefactoryfivenightsoutofseven.”Shepausedtohuffabreath.“Whenyougotolderandstartedlookinglikehim,Iguess…IguessIwastooscaredtotry.Toteachyouhowtobedifferentfromhimandhavemyheartbrokenalloveragainifyouresisted.SoIjust…Ididn’tresist.Infact,Ijoinedinwiththechorusandencouragedyoutobreakheartsand…andthecoffeetin…”Shecoveredherfacewithherhands.“Iwanttodiejustthinkingaboutit.”
Onreflex,Foxglancedatthecabinet,asifhemightfinditthere,stuffedfullofcondommoney.Eventhoughhewouldn’t.Eventhoughitwasn’tthesamehouse.“It’sokay,Ma.”
“No,it’snot.”Sheshookherhead.“Ineededtoexplaintoyou,Fox,thatyou’renothinglikehim.Tocorrectthedamagingthingsyoubelievedaboutyourself.Thesemisconceptions.Butyou’dalreadystarteddoingexactlywhatweencouragedyoutodofromthestart.Whenyoucamebackfromcollege,you’dretreatedintoahardshell.Therewasnotalkingtoyouthen.
Andherewearenow,yearslater.Hereweare.”
Foxranbackthrougheverythingshe’dsaid,hisdeepestinsecuritiesexposedlikearawnerve,butsowhat.NothinghurtlikeHannahleavinghurt.Noteventhis.“Ifyoudon’tthinkI’manythinglikehim,whydoyouflincheverytimeyouseeme?”
Charlenepaled.“I’msorry.Ididn’trealizeIwasdoingthat.”Abeatpassed.“Someofthetime,Icanlivewiththeguiltoffailingyou.WhenIseeyou,though,thatguilthitsmelikeabackhandtothecheek.Thatflinchisforme,notyou.”
Anunexpectedburnstartedbehindhiseyes.
Somethinghardbegantoerodeinthevicinityofhisheart.
“Iremembersomeofthethingshesaidtoyou,allthewaybacktofourthgrade,fifthgrade.Whichoneintheclasswasyourgirlfriend?Whenwereyougoingtostartgoingondates?Boy,you’llhaveyourpickofthelitter!AndIthoughtitwasfunny.Ievensaidthosethingsmyselfonceina
while.”Shereachedforherpackofcigarettes,tappedoneoutandlitit,blowingthesmokeoutofthesideofhermouth.“Shouldhavebeenencouragingyoutodowellinclass.Orjoinclubs.Instead,wemadelifeabout…intimacyforyou.Fromthedamnjump.AndIdon’thaveanyexcuseexcepttosay,yourfather’slifewaswomen.Bydefault,sowasmine.Theaffairssurroundedusatthetime,tookupalltheair.Weletithurtourson,too.Letitturnintoashadowtofollowyouaround.That’stherealtragedy.Notthemarriage.”
Foxhadtostandup.Hadtomove.
Herememberedhisparentssayingthosethingstohim.Ofcoursehedid.
However,allthewayupuntilthismoment,itneveronceoccurredtohimthatallparentsweren’tsayingthosethingstotheirkids.Neveroccurredtohimthathe’deffectivelybeenbrainwashedintobelievinghisidentitywasthesumofhissuccesswithwomen.And…
Andhismotherdidn’twincewhenshesawhimbecauseheremindedherofhisfather.Itwasguilt.Foxdidn’tlikethat,either.Heownedhisactionsanddidn’twanthismotherclaimingresponsibilityforthem,becausethatwouldbecowardly.But,God,itwasarelief.Toknowhismotherdidn’tdreadseeinghisface.Toknowhewasn’tbroken,butmaybe,justmaybe,he’dbeenwedgedintoacategorybeforeheevenknewwhatwashappening.
Morethananythinginthatmoment,hewishedforHannah.
HewishedtoburrowhisfaceintoherneckandtellhereverythingCharlenehadsaid,soshecouldsumitupperfectlyforhiminherHannahway.Soshecouldkissthesaltfromhisskinandsavehim.ButHannahwasn’tthere.She’dgone.He’dsentheraway.Sohehadtorescuehimself.
Hadtoworkthisoutforhimself.
“Peoplewillthinkshe’scrazytotakeachanceonme.PeoplewillassumeI’mgoingtodotoherwhatDaddidtoyou.”
Whennoresponsewasforthcoming,FoxlookedbackoverhisshouldertofindCharleneaggressivelystubbingouthercigarette.“Letmetellyouastory.EarlandGeorgettehavebeencomingtobingoforoveradecade,sittingonoppositesidesofthehall.Asfarawayfromeachotherastheycanget.Theymightlooklikesweetlittleseniors,butletmetellyou,theyarestubbornasshit.”Charlenelitanothercigarette,comfortableinthemiddleofherstorytelling.“EarlusedtobemarriedtoGeorgette’ssister,
rightupuntilshepassed.Young.Maybeinherfifties.And,well,throughcomfortingeachother,EarlandGeorgettegottofallinginlove,right?Bothofthemworriedaboutpeoplejudgingthem,sotheystoppedseeingeachother.Cuteachotherrightoff.Buthelliftheydidn’tstareateachotheracrossthebingohallliketwolovesickpuppiesforyears.”
“Whathappened?”
“I’mgoingtotellyou,aren’tI?”Shepuffedhersmoke.“ThenGeorgettegotsick.Sameillnessashersister.AndtherewasEarl,notonlylefttorealizehe’dmissedoutoncreatingalifewiththewomanheloved,buthavingnorighttohelpherthroughtheroughtime.Norighttocareforher.
Diditmatterwhatotherpeoplethoughtatthatpoint?No.Itdidnot.”
“Christ,Ma.Youcouldn’thavepickedsomethingalittlemoreuplifting?”
“Ihaven’tfinishedyet,”shesaidpatiently,enjoyingherself.“EarlprofessedhislovetoGeorgetteandmovedin,nursedherbacktohealth.
NowtheysitinthefrontroweverytimeIhostbingoinAberdeen.Can’tprythemapartwithabutterknife.Andyouknowwhat?Everyoneishappyforthem.Youcan’tlivelifeworryingaboutwhatpeoplewillthink.You’llwakeuponeday,lookatacalendar,andcountthedaysyoucouldhavespentbeinghappy.Withher.Andnooneelse,especiallytheoneswaggingtheirtongues,aregoingtobetheretoconsoleyou.”
FoxthoughtofwakingupinfifteenyearsandhavingspentnoneofitwithHannah,andhegotdizzy,hismother’skitchenspinningaroundhim,hislungsonfire.Crossingtothelivingroom,hefellbackonthecouchandcountedoffhisbreaths,tryingtofightthroughthesuddennausea.
Exhaustioncrasheddownonhimunexpectedly,andhewasn’tsurewhy.
Maybeitwashavinghislong-standingissuesunraveled,explained,andthesubsequentweightlessfeelinginhisstomach.MaybeitwastheemotionalexcessortheutterdepressionoflosingHannahandmakinghercry,plusknowinghismotherdidn’tsecretlyhatehim.Allofitwrappingaroundhisheadlikeathick,fuzzybandage,blurringhisthoughtsuntiltheywerenothingmorethanafadingecho.Hisheaddroppedbackagainstthecushion,andhisroundaboutworrieseventuallysenthimintoadeepsleep.
Thelastthingherememberedwashismotherlayingablanketoverhimandthepromisehemadetohimself.Assoonashewokeup,he’dgogether.
Hangon.I’llberightthere,Freckles
***
Foxwokeupinthesunlighttothechatterofvoices.
Hesatupandlookedaround,piecingtogetherthenightbefore,tryingtoclearthecobwebsthatclungharderthanusual.Tchotchkesoneverysurface,thelingeringsmellofMarlboroReds.Thiswashismother’slivingroom.Heknewthatmuch.Andthentheirconversationcamebackinprecisedetail,followedbyasinkingfeelinginhisstomach.
Itwasmorning.Eightinthemorning.
Thebus…thebusbacktoLAleftatseven.
“No.”Foxalmostgotsick.“No,no,no.”
Hewasoffthecouchlikeashot,hisstomachpitchingviolently.Severalpairsofeyesstaredbackathimfromthekitchen,belongingtotheseniorladieswho’dapparentlycongregatedinCharlene’skitchenforcoffeeanddonuts.
“Morning,honey,”hismothersangfromthetable,inthesameplaceshe’dsatlastnight.Samemuginherhands.“Gotabearclawoverherewithyournameonit.Comemeettheladygang.”
“Ican’t.I…She’sleaving.She’s…left?”Hepattedthepocketofhisjeansandfoundhisphone,thebatteryat6percent,andquicklytappedHannah’snumber,rakingahandthroughhishairandpacingwhileitrang.
Noway.NowayhelethergetonabusbacktoCalifornia.Hedidn’thaveaplanyet,didn’thaveastrategyforkeepingHannah.HeonlyknewthatthefearofGodwasrattlinghisbones.That—therealityofheractuallybeinggone—alongwithwhathismotherhadsaidtohimlastnight,haddamnwellputFox’sprioritiesinorder.
Myheadisoutofmyass,Hannah.Answerthephone
Voicemail.
Ofcourseitwastheopeningbarsto“MeandBobbyMcGee,”followedbythehuskyefficiencyofhergreeting.
Foxstoppedpacing,thesoundofhervoiceagainsthisearwashingoverhimlikewarmthfromafireplace.OhGod,ohGod,he’dbeensuchajackass.Thisgirl,thisone-in-a-billionangelofagirl,lovedhim.Helovedherbackinawild,desperate,uncontrollableway.Andhedidn’tknowhowtobuildahomewithher,buttheywouldfigureitouttogether.Thathewaspositiveabout.
Hannahgavehimfaith.Shewashisfaith.
Thebeepsoundedinhisear.“Hannah,it’sme.Please,please,getoffthebus.I’mcominghomerightnow.I’m…”Hisvoicelostpower.“Justgetoffthebussomewheresafeandwaitforme,allright?Ifuckingloveyou.Iloveyou.AndI’msorryyoufellinlovewithanidiot.I’m…”Findthewords.Findtherightwords.“RememberinSeattle,yousaidwe’vebeentryingthiswholetime.Sincelastsummer.Tobeinarelationship.Ididn’tfullyunderstandatthetime,butIdonow.Therewasnevergoingtobealifeawayfromyou,because,Jesus,that’snolifeatall.You,Hannah.Aremylife.IloveyouandI’mcominghome,soplease,babe.Please.Willyoujustwaitforme?I’msorry.”
Foxstoppedandlistened,asifshemightsomehowanswerandreassurehimlikeshealwaysdid,thenhungupwithdreadcurdlinginhisstomach.
Lookeduptofindthewomeninvariousstatesofcrying,fromdabbingawaytearstoopenlyweeping.
“Ihavetogo.”
NoonetriedtostopFoxasheranoutthedoorandsprintedtohistruck,throwinghimselfintothedriver’sseatandpeelingout.Hehitastoplightonthewaytothehighwayandcursed,slammingonthebrakes.Restlesswithoutbeinginmotion,hetookouthisphoneagainandcalledBrendan.
“Fox,”thecaptainsaid,answeringonthefirstring.“I’vebeenmeaningtocallyou,actually.Iwanttoapologizeagain—”
“Good.Doitanothertime,though.”Thelightturnedgreen,andheflooredit,mergingontothehighway,thankingGodtheredidn’tseemtobeanyrushhourtraffic.“IsHannahwithyouguys?Didshestaytherelastnight?”
Abriefpause.“No.Shedidn’tstaywithyou?”
“No.”KnowinghecouldhavespentthenightwithHannah—anddidn’t
—wasabitterpilltoswallow.Itwasaworldthatdidn’tmakesense,andheneverwantedtoliveinitagain.Wherewouldshehavegone?TherewereacoupleofinnsinWestport,butshewouldn’tcheckinsomewhere,wouldshe?Maybeshe’dgonetothehousewherethecrewwasstaying.Allofthemwouldhavegottenonthebusanhourago.Shewentwiththem.She’sgone.“No,she’snotwithme,”herasped,miserywashingoverhim.“Look.
It’scomplicated.Predictably,Ifuckedeverythingup.Ineedachancetofixit.”
“Hey.Whateveryoudid,I’msureyoucanrepairit.”
Noaccusations.Noknowingsighsordisappointment.
Justfaith.
Foxachedjustabovehiscollarbone.Maybe,liketheocean,hecouldevolve.
Maybethecrewwouldrealizetheywerewrongabouthimaftersometimepassed.Afterall,theywerejustfollowinghislead,treatinghimlikeheaskedthemto.Likethecheapversionofhimselfhe’dpresented.
DemandingrespectfromBrendanonetimewasallittooktochangehisbestfriend’stune.Whatifthatwasallittooktodothesamewitheveryoneelse?
Andifitdidn’twork?Thehellwiththem.HisrelationshipwithHannahbelongedtohimandher.Nooneelse.
Eitherway,hewasgoingtodoeverythinginhispowertokeepHannah.
Thatwasagiven.
Imaginingafuturewithoutherhadhishandsshakingonthewheel.
Forthefirsttimesincehe’dleftforcollege,hewaseagertofindouthowfarhispotentialcouldreach.Hewasreadytotakechancesagain.Maybebecausehenowknew,afterspeakingfranklywithCharlene,thathe’dbeenguidedincorrectly.Ormaybebecausehewasnolongersoafraidofbeingjudged.Hewasdrivingblindly,prettysureHannahhadgonebacktoLA.
Thiswaspain.Thiswasself-loathing.Losingtheloveofhislife—hisfuture
—becausehe’dletthepastwin.Hecouldendureandovercomeanythingbutthis.
Cradlingthephonebetweenhischeekandshoulder,herippedofftheleatherbraceletandthrewitoutthewindowofhiscar.“Iwanttheboat,Brendan.”
Evenwithoutseeinghisbestfriend’sface,hecouldimaginetheraisedeyebrow,thethoughtfulstrokingofhisjaw.“Yousure?”
“Positive.AndI’mputtinginanewchair.Yourassgroovesareintheoldone.”Hewaitedforhisfriendtostopchuckling.“IsPiperthere?HasshespokentoHannah?”
“She’soutonherrun.Icancallher—”
Fox’sphonedied.
Thebreathhissedoutofhim,andhethrewthedeviceontothedashboard,heartslamminginhisearsashewoveinandoutoftraffic.She
couldn’tbegone.Allright,theyhadn’tagreedonatimelineforhimtocomeandfindher.Perhapsshethoughtshe’dgobacktoLAandhe’dtakeafewweeksorevenmonthstofigureouthe’ddiewithouther?Maybeheshouldhaveassumedshewouldleavethismorning?Well,hehadn’t.He’dbeenthinkingaboutitforweeks,andwhenthemomentfinallycame,hishearthadblockedthepainfulpossibility.
Toolate.Hewastoolate.
God,shecouldhavechangedhermind.Maybeshewasn’tgivinghimtimetopullhisheadoutofhisstubbornassatall.Thatwouldexplainwhyshewasn’tansweringherphone.She’ddeemedFoxmoretroublethanhewasworth.Ifthatwasthecase,itwouldn’tmatterifheflewtoLA.Ordrovelikeabatoutofhellandcaughtupwiththebus.Ifshewasdonewithhim…
No.
No,please.Hecouldn’tthinklikethat.
Withhisskinsomehowicyandsweatingatthesametime,FoxtooktheexittoWestportanhourandahalflater,searchingthestreetsformembersofthecastorcrew.Wouldheevenrecognizeanyofthem?Atthatmoment,hewouldhavebeengratefultoseethefuckingdirectorandhisyuppieturtleneck.Noneofthepeoplewavingashepassedwerenon-locals,though.Noneofthem.Nobusidlingontheharbor.
Gone.
“No,Hannah,”hesaidhoarsely.“No.”
Heparkedhaphazardlyoutsidehisapartment,preparedtogoinsideandpackabag.He’dgetonthehighwayandcatchupwiththebus.Waitforittostopandbeghertolisten.Ifhecouldn’tfindthebus,he’dgetonaplane.
Bottomline,hewasn’tcomingbackhereuntiltheywereunequivocallycommitted.Withaplan.
Aplan.
Hemighthavelaughedifhewasn’tonthevergeofsplittingstraightdownthemiddle.Suddenly,hecouldthinkofamillionplans.Becausehewascapableofanything.Theywere.Together.
Aslongasshehadn’tgivenuponhim—
Foxwalkedintohisapartmentandstoppeddeadinhistracks.
Hannahsatcross-leggedonthefloorinfrontofhisrecordplayer,giantcanheadphonesoverherears,hummingalongtothemusic.
Ifshe’dheardhimorturnedaroundinthatmoment,shewouldhaveseenhimslumpbackagainstthedoor,shaking.SeenhimusethehemofhisT-shirttowipethescaldingmoisturefromhiseyes.Wouldhaveseentheprayershemouthedattheceiling.But,oblivious,shedidn’tturn.Didn’twitnesshimdevouringthetiltofherneckwithhisgaze,thelineofhershoulders.InhalingthebreathinessofhervoicesingingalongtoSoundgarden.
Assoonashecouldwalkstraight,hewenttowardher,pickingupherphonewhereitrestedonthecounter,hisvoicemailnotyetplayed.
Hedugfortherightwords.
Onesthatcouldpossiblyexpresshowmuchhelovedher.
Butintheend,allhehadtodowaslistentohisheartandtrusthimself.
Hecametoastopbesideher,andshejoltedandlookedupathim.
Theystaredforlongmoments,searchingeachotherforanswers.
Hegaveheronebychangingtherecord.Puttingon“Let’sStayTogether”byAlGreen.Watchingherexpressionsoftenwitheachword.
Lyricsthatcouldn’thavebeenmoreappropriate.Whentearsstartedtofillherbeautifuleyes,FoxpulledHannahtoherfeetandtheyslowdancedtothemusicinherearsandthemusicinhisheart,theheadphonesonlycomingoffwhenthesongended.
“Iloveyou,”Foxsaidthickly,stillrockinghersidetoside.HoldingontoherlikealifepreserverinthemiddleoftheBering.“OhmyGod,Iloveyousomuch,Hannah.”Heburrowedhisfaceintoherhair,starvedforclosenesstoher,thisincrediblepersonwhosomehowlovedhim.“Ithoughtyouleft,”hesaid,liftingheroffthefloorandwalkingtowardthebedroom.
“Ithoughtyouleft.”
“No.Icouldn’t.Iwouldn’t.”Herarmstightenedaroundhisneck.“Iloveyoutoomuch.”
Ashelaidherdownonthebed,tearsleakedfromhiseyes,andHannahreachedup,wipedthemaway,alongwithherown.“Whathappenedtoyougivingmetimetopullmyheadoutofmyass?”
“Sixhoursseemedlikemorethanenough,”shewhisperedupathim.
Happinessrushedin,crowdinghimfromallsides.Andheletit.Lethimselfacceptitandthinkofallthewayshecouldgivehappinesstoherinreturn.Fortherestofhislife.Everyhour,everyday.
Foxcoveredherwithhisbody,bothofthemgroaningagainsteachother’smouth,slidingandwrithingmuscleoncurves.“WecanfindaplaceinbetweenhereandSeattle.Thatwayifyougetajobinthecity,wecutthecommuteinhalfforusboth.”Heunfastenedherjeansandpushedahandinside,watchinghereyesgoblindwhenhisfingerstuckedintoherpantiesandfoundher.There.Pressingbetweenherseamoffleshandrubbingwithincreasingpressure.“Doesthatworkforyou?”
“Yes,”shegaspedwhenheslowlyworkedhismiddlefingerinside,drawingitinandout.“Mmmm.Ilikethatidea.W-wecanfindoutwhowe’llbecometogether.Withouteveryonearoundallthet-time.”
Foxnodded,tookhistimetuggingoffherjeansandpanties,eventuallyrenderinghernakedwhileheremainedfullyclothedontopofher,pressingherdownintothebedclothes.“Whoeverwebecometogether,Hannah,”hesaid,mouthroamingoverhers,fingersreachingdowntolowerhiszipper.
“I’myoursandyou’remine.Soit’salwaysgoingtoberight.”Histhroatstartedtocloseashepushedinsideher,thosethighsofhersjerkingupintotheperfectposition.“Ididn’tknowwhatrightfeltlikeuntilyou,”hechokedout.“I’mholdingontothegoodyougiveme.I’mholdingontoyou.”
“I’mhangingontoyou,too,FoxThornton,”shemurmuredunevenly,herbodypropelledupthebedonhisfirstdrive,eyesglazing.“Neverlettinggo.”
“I’minforthegood,bad,andeverythinginbetween,Hannah.”Hepressedhisopenmouthtothesideofherneckandpusheddeeper,deepenough,closeenoughtofeelherbreathe,andrejoicedinit.“Decades.Alifetime.I’min.”
Epilogue
TenYearsLater
ThesmoothvoiceofNatKingColefilledtheinteriorofHannah’sJeepasitbumpedalongthesnowyroad.Herheadlightscaughtthefallingflakes,twilightgivingtheskyapurplish-grayglow,toweringpinescreatinganow-familiarpathwayoneithersideofher—apathwayhometoherfamily.
AftertenyearsofresidinginPuyallup,itwashardtobelieveshe’deverlivedinsunnyLosAngelesatall.Andshewouldn’ttradeitforalltherecordsinWashington.
Hereyesdriftedtotherearviewmirror,whereshecouldseeshoppingbagsfilledtooverflowingwithelaboratelywrappedpresentsinthebackseat,andcontentmentsweptthroughherchest,sointenseitbroughttearstohereyes.Therewouldneverbeanythingbetterthanthis.CominghometoherfamilyonChristmasEveafterfourdaysontheroad.Shemissedthemsoterribly,itcostherquiteanefforttodriveslowly,carefullyonthewinterroad.
Whenherhousecameintoviewaminutelaterandhertirescrunchedtoastopinthedriveway,herheartstartedtobeatfaster.Smokecurledlazilyfromthechimneyoftheirlog-cabin-stylehome,sleds—man-sizedandchild-sized—leanedupagainstthewallbythefrontentrance.AChristmastreetwinkledinoneofthemanywindows.Andwhenherhusbandwalkedintoviewwithoneoftheirdaughtersslungcasuallyoverhisbrawnyshoulder,alaughfilledwithyearningandloveandgratitudepuffedoutofherinthequietcar.
They’dmorethanmadeitwork,hadn’tthey?They’dmadealifehappierandfilledwithmorejoythaneitherofthemcouldhaveexpected.
Adecadeearlier,FoxandHannahwenttoBel-Airtopackherthings.
Shecouldstillrememberthezero-gravityfeelingofthattrip.Thelackofrestraintthatcamewiththeircommitmenttoeachother,everytouch,everywhisperheightened,givennewmeaning.Andyet,onthevergeofwhatfeltliketrueadulthood,they’dbothbeenscared.Butthey’dbeenscaredtogether,honestwitheachothereverystepoftheway,andthey’dbecomeaformidableteam.
Initially,they’dsignedanapartmentleaseintown,thismidwaypointbetweenWestportandSeattle.Shestillmissedthatapartmentsometimes,itchedtowalkthecreakyfloorandrememberallthelessonsthey’dlearnedwithinthosewalls.Howfiercelythey’dloved,howloudlythey’dfoughtandmadeup,themusicthey’ddancedto,howFoxhadgottendownononekneeonanightjustlikethisandaskedHannahtobehiswife,howthey’dpanickedwhenshegotpregnantayearlater.Howthey’dsatonthefloorandeatencakestraightoutoftheboxwithforks—Foxinasuit,herinadress—onthemorningtheyboughtthishouse.
Sincethen,they’dmadeamillionmemories,eachdaywithadifferentsoundtrack,andshecherishedeverysingleone.
UnabletowaitanothersecondtoseeFoxandthegirls,Hannahopenedthedriver’s-sidedoor,carefulnottosliponthedrivewayinherfancywedgeboots.Notpracticalinthisweather,butshe’dgonestraighttoLAX
afterherfinalclientmeeting.ThankGodshewouldn’thavetoseetheinsideofanotherairportuntilmid-January,wellaftertheholidays.Hertravelschedulehaddefinitelylightenedovertheyears,theprocessmorestreamlinedandvirtual,buteveryonceinawhile,shediscoveredabandworthseeinginperson,asshe’ddonethisweek.
GardenofSoundInc.hadstartedasHannah’sbaby,awayofconnectingup-and-comingbandswithfilmproductioncompaniesseekingfreshvoicesfortheirscores—andyearslater,she’dfoundherselfastapleintheindustry.
AfterGloryDazereleasedandtheUnreliablesblewup,hernamegotpassedaroundmoreandmore.She’dbuiltareputationforgivingfilmstheirsignaturesound,addinganentirelynewlayerofcreativitytotheprocess,andshecouldn’timaginedoinganythingelse.
HannahopenedthebackdooroftheJeepandconsideredcallingFoxtohelphercarrythebags,butdecidedshe’dratherwalkthroughthefrontdoorandsurprisethethreeofthem.Andshe’dbettergetherbuttmoving,
becausePiper,Brendan,andtheirtwokidswouldbearrivingsoontostaythroughNewYear’s.Nottomention,Charlene—akaGrams—wouldbehereinthemorning.
Drapingaheavybagovereacharm,Hannahbumpedthecardoorshutwithahipandheadedupthepath,hercheeksalreadyachingfromsmiling.
Shesetdownthepresentsjustoutsidethefrontdoorandduginhercoatpocketforherkeys.Theyjingledonlyslightly,butthatwasallittooktosetofftheirpairofyellowlabsbarking.
Shakingherheadandlaughing,distractedbytryingtogetthekeyintothelock,Hannahalmostdidn’tseethemoose.Butwhenthegiantshadowmovedinherperiphery,shefroze,slowlyturningherhead,mouthfallingopeninshockasthegranddaddyofallmoosemoseyedtowardherliketheyweregoingtohaveacasualchatinthesupermarket.Moosewerenotespeciallydangerousanimals,butthey’dlivedinthisarealongenoughtohearaboutattacks.Usuallytheanimalsonlyreactedpoorlywhenprovoked,butshewasn’ttakinganychances.Thatthingcouldmowherdownlikeasemitruck.
“Fox…”Hannahcalled,waytooquietlytobedetectedbyhumanears.
Andthenshedroppedherkeysinthesnow.Comeon.Nowayshewasbendingdowntopickthoseup.She’dhavetotakehereyesoffthebeast.
Abandoningthepresentsandsidesteppingofftheporchslowly,shebackedinthedirectionofthecar.Themoosewatchedfromitsheightofatleastthirteen,maybetwenty-ninefeetwhileHannahslippedthecellfromherpocketanddialedHOME.
“Youmustbeoutside,sincethedogsareactinglikemaniacs,”Foxanswered,voicewarminherear.“ThankGod,babe.Imissedyoulikehell.
Youneedsomehelpcarryinginyoursuitcase?I’llberight—”
“Moose,”shesaidinastrangledwhisper.“There’samooserightoutsidethedoor.Keepthegirlsinside.It’seighthundredfeettall,I’mnotevenkidding.”
“Amoose?”Concernhardenedhisvoice.“Hannah,getinside.”
“Idroppedmykeys.”Sheturnedandran,squealinginherthroatthewholeway.“I’mhidingbehindthecar.”
Hewasbreathinghard.“I’mcoming.”
Nolessthantensecondslater,herhusbandskiddedoutontotheporch,barefootinsweatpantsandahoodie,bangingpotstogetherandshouting
obscenitiesatthemoose,backingtheanimalupseveralpaces.Inthefrontwindowofthehouse,theirgirls—six-year-oldAbigailandfour-year-oldStevie—screamedbloodymurder,theirlittlepalmsslappingagainstthewindowhardenoughtorattleit.Thedogshowled.AndcrouchingdownbehindthebackbumperoftheJeep,Hannahabsolutelylostit.Shelaughedhardenoughtosliponthedrivewayandlandonherbackside,whichonlymadeherlaughharder.Bythetimeshegotcontrolofherself,shewaslookingupatFoxthroughtearsofmirth.
Oh,butthen,therewasjust…along,wobblysighofappreciationforthemanholdingouthisrope-wornhandtohelpherup.Agehaddonehimsogood.Nowforty-one,theDellaRay’scaptainhadafullbeardanddarkblondhair,justbeginningtoshowthreadsofgray,thatalmostreachedhisshoulders.He’dcutitonce,lastyear,andthegirlscriedwhentheysawtheshorterlength,sohevowedtokeepitlongforever.Theyhadtheirfatherwrappedaroundtheirpinkiefingers,andhewouldadmitittoanyonewholistened.Hannahestimatedthedevotiontohisdaughtersmadehimaround400percentmoreattractive.
Andasalways,hisdevotiontoHannahshoneinhisblueeyes,whichweretwinklingoverthechaos,justlikehers.
“He’sgone,”Foxsaidgruffly,wrappingtheirfingerstogether.“Comeinsidenowandmakeupforscaringtenyearsoffmylife.”
“ShouldbeeasysinceIbroughtpresents—”
Shelostherbalance,slippingontheice,andFox,hisbalancenormallyperfectthankstohisprofession,wentdownwithhiswife.Hetriedtocushionherfall,buttheyjustendedupsprawledontheirassesinthedriveway,snowfallingaroundthem,theirhowlsoflaughterbringingtheirdaughtersrunningfromthehouseinflannelnightgownsandhastilyshoved-onboots.WhileAbbyandSteviestartedanimpromptusnowballfight,FoxpulledHannahintohisarms,tippingupherchinsohecouldlookatherface,hisheartknockingheavilyagainsthershoulder.
“Jesus,Hannah,”hewhisperedinaroughvoice.“Doyouevergetsohappy,youcanbarelystandit?”
“Yes.”Shereachedupandcradledhisjaw.“Withyou?Allthetime.”
Hemadeasoundinhisthroat,brushedsomesnowflakesfromhercheek.
“Doesn’tfeellikeenoughtosayIloveyouatthispoint.”
“Ourloveisalwaysenough.It’salwaysmorethanenough.”
Throatflexing,henodded.Lookedintohereyesforlongmoments,beforeloweringhislipsandkissingherslowly,sweepinghistonguethroughhermouthenoughtimesandwithenoughpromisetomakehersquirm,breathless.Onekissonlyignitedtheirappetite,andwiththedogshappilychasingthegirlsthroughthefrontyard,theywereinnorushtostop.NotuntilminuteslaterwhenanothercarpulledupandPiper’sgigglesailedoutintotheeveningair,followedbyBrendan’sexasperatedsigh.
“Hey,AuntHannahandUncleFox!”theirnine-year-oldnephew,Henry,called.“Getaroom.”
“We’vegotawholehouseofthem,”Foxsaid,finallystandingandpullingHannahtoherfeet,tuckingheragainsthisside.“We’vegoteverythingwecouldeverwant,”headded,forherearsalone.Andtogether,aunts,uncles,cousins,anddogswalkedupthepathtoshareChristmasEve,sameastheywouldeverysingleChristmas,foreverandalways.
Acknowledgments
Ireallydon’tknowwheretobeginthankingpeopleforthisbook!Thisonewasdelayed,writing-wise,becausemyhusbandhadtheabsolutenervetogetsickandspendthreemonthsintheICU.Ifwehadn’treceivedamiracleandgottenhimbackhome,I’mnotsurethisbookwouldhaveevergottenwritten,letaloneanyothers.SoItrulyhavemodernmedicine,doctors,nurses,science,friends,andfaithtothankforboostingmebacktothisplacewhereIcanwriteamadlytouchinglovestoryandescapebackintoWestportwithmybelovedHannahandFox.
ThankyoutoFloralPark,LongIsland,forrallyingaroundmeinmytimeofneed.Ididn’tknowthemeaningoffriendshipuntilIwashuddledoutinmybackyardinten-degreeweather,surroundedbyfrozen-solidfriendsinmasksdeterminedtogivememoralsupportnomattertheirdiscomfort.Formonths.Theywentaboveandbeyond.I’llbeforevergrateful.
Thankyoutotheromancecommunity,authorsandreadersalike,forsendingmeloveandsupportandgiftsmeanttocomfort.Thankyoutomy(thankfullyalive!)husbandformakingmelovesomanydifferentkindsofmusic(even,maybeespecially,MeatLoaf),aswellasfosteringmyappreciationforrecordcollecting.ItreallyhelpedwhenwritingHannahtounderstandhowparticularonecanbeaboutvinyl.I’llneversetmydrinkononeofyoursleeves—especiallytheFloyd.Promise.
Thankyoutomyeditor,NicoleFischer,forreallyunderstandingthevibeandvisionoftheBellingerSistersseriesandforhelpingtogiveitsomuchlife.Thismarkselevenbookstogether,andI’velovedeverysinglefinishedproductwe’veworkedon.ThankyoutoeveryoneatAvonBooks,includingcoverdesigners,publicists,andmarketinggurus.Youmakeallthispossible!
Lastly,thankyoutoeveryonewhofellinlovewiththisseries.Thisonewasstraightfromtheheart,andI’mhonoredyoucamewithmeonthejourney!Here’stomanymore.
AnExcerptFromItHappenedOneSummer
HaveyoureadPiper’sstory?Findouthowshehookedasurly,sexyseacaptainin…
ITHAPPENEDONESUMMER
Availablenow!
Readonforapeekatthefirstfewchapters.
ChapterOne
Theunthinkablewashappening.
Herlongestrelationshiponrecord…overintheblinkofaneye.
Threeweeksofherlifewasted
PiperBellingerlookeddownatherlipstick-red,one-shoulderValentinococktaildressandtriedtofindtheflawbutcameupwithnothing.Hertastefullytannedlegswerepolishedtosuchashine,she’dcheckedherteethinthemearlier.Nothingappearedamissuptop,either.She’dswipedthetapeholdingupherboobswhilebackstageatarunwayshowinMilanduringfashionweek—we’retalkingtheholygrailoftittape—andthosepuppieswereonpoint.Bigenoughtodrawaman’seye,smallenoughtoachieveanathleticvibeineveryfourthInstagrampost.Versatilitykeptpeopleinterested.
Satisfiedthatnothingconcerningherappearancewasglaringlyoutofplace,PipertrailedhergazeupthepleatedlegofAdrian’sclassicTomFordsuitmadeofthefinestsharkskinwool,unabletoquellasighovertheluxuriouspeaklapelsandmonogrammedbuttons.ThewayherboyfriendimpatientlycheckedhisChopardwatchandscannedthecrowdoverhershoulderonlyaddedtothebored-playboyeffect.
Hadn’thiscoldunattainabilityattractedhertohiminthefirstplace?
God,thenightoftheirfirstmeetingseemedlikeahundredyearsago.
She’dhadatleasttwofacialssincethen,right?Whatwastimeanymore?
Pipercouldremembertheirintroductionlikeitwasyesterday.AdrianhadsavedherfromsteppinginvomitatRumerWillis’sbirthdayparty.Asshe’dstaredupathischiseledchinfromherplaceinhisarms,she’dbeentransportedtoOldHollywood.Atimeofsmokingjacketsandwomen
traipsingaroundinlong,featheredrobes.Itwasthebeginningofherownclassiclovestory.
Andnowthecreditswererolling.
“Ican’tbelieveyou’rethrowingitallawaylikethis,”Piperwhispered,pressingherchampagneflutebetweenherbreasts.Maybedrawinghisattentiontherewouldchangehismind?“We’vebeenthroughsomuch.”
“Yeah,tons,right?”
Adrianwavedatsomeoneacrosstherooftop,hisexpressionlettingwhoeveritwasknowthathe’dberightwiththem.They’dcometotheblack,white,andredpartytogether.AminorsoireetoraisemoneyforanindiemovieprojectcalledLifestylesoftheOppressedandFamous.Thewriter-directorwasafriendofAdrian’s,meaningmostofthepeopleatthisgatheringofLosAngeleselitewerehisacquaintances.Hergirlsweren’teventheretoconsoleherorfacilitateagracefulexit.
Adrian’sattentionsettledbackonherreluctantly.“Wait,whatwereyousaying?”
Piper’ssmilefeltbrittle,sosheturneditupanotherwatt,carefultokeepitonecrucialnotchbelowmanic.Chinup,woman.Thiswasn’therfirstbreakup,right?She’ddonealotofthedumping,oftenunexpectedly.Thiswasatownofwhims,afterall.
She’dneverreallynoticedthepaceofhowthingschanged.Notuntillately.
Attwenty-eight,Piperwasnotold.Butshewasoneoftheoldestwomenatthisparty.Ateverypartyshe’dbeentorecently,cometothinkofit.
LeaningontheglassrailingthatoverlookedMelrosewasanup-and-comingpopstarwhocouldn’tbeadayolderthannineteen.Shedidn’tneedtapefromMilantoholduphertits.TheywerelightandspringywithnipplesthatremindedPiperofthebottomofanicecreamcone.
Thehosthimselfwastwenty-twoandembarkingonafilmcareer.
ThiswasPiper’scareer.Partying.Beingseen.Holdinguptheoccasionalteeth-whiteningproductandgettingafewdollarsforit.
Notthatsheneededthemoney.Atleast,shedidn’tthinkso.Everythingsheownedcamefromtheswipeofacreditcard,anditwasamysterywhathappenedafterthat.Sheassumedthebillwenttoherstepfather’semailorsomething?Hopefullyhewouldn’tbeweirdaboutthecrotchlesspantiesshe’dorderedfromParis.
“Piper?Hello?”Adrianswipedahandinfrontofherface,andsherealizedhowlongshe’dbeenstaringatthepopstar.Longenoughthatthesongstresswasglaringback.
Pipersmiledandwavedatthegirl,pointingsheepishlytoherglassofchampagne,beforetuningbackintotheconversationwithAdrian.“IsthisbecauseIcasuallybroughtyouuptomytherapist?Wedidn’tgoindepthoranything,Ipromise.Mostofthetimewejustnapduringmyappointments.”
Hestaredatherforseveralseconds.Honestly,itwaskindofnice.Itwasthemostattentionshe’dgottenfromhimsincealmostslippinginpuke.
“I’vedatedsomeairheads,Piper.”Hesighed.“Butyouputthemalltoshame.”
Shekepthersmileinplace,thoughittookmoredeterminationthanusual.Peoplewerewatching.Atthatverymoment,shewasinthebackgroundofatleastfiveselfiesbeingcapturedaroundtheroof,includingoneofAnselElgort.Itwouldbeadisasterifshelethersinkingheartshowonherface,especiallywhennewsofthebreakupgotout.“Idon’tunderstand,”shesaidwithalaugh,sweepingrose-goldhairoverhershoulder
“Shocking,”hereturneddrily.“Look,babe.Itwasafunthreeweeks.
You’reasmokeshowinabikini.”HeshruggedanelegantTomFord–cladshoulder.“I’mjusttryingtoendthisbeforeitgetsboring,youknow?”
Boring.Gettingolder.Notadirectororapopstar.
Justaprettygirlwithamillionairestepfather.
Pipercouldn’tthinkaboutthatnow,though.Shejustwantedtoexitthepartyasinconspicuouslyaspossibleandgohaveagoodcry.AftershepoppedaXanaxandpostedaninspirationalquoteonherIGfeed,ofcourse.
Itwouldconfirmthebreakup,butalsoallowhertocontrolthenarrative.
Somethingaboutgrowthandlovingherself,maybe?
Hersister,Hannah,wouldhavetheperfectsonglyrictoinclude.Shewasalwayssittingaroundinapileofvinyls,thosegiant,uglyheadphoneswrappedaroundherhead.Damn,shewishedshe’dputmorestockinHannah’sopinionofAdrian.
Whathadshesaid?Ohyeah.
He’slikeifsomeonedreweyesonaturnip
Onceagain,Piperhadzonedout,andAdriancheckedhiswatchforthesecondtime.“Arewedonehere?Ihavetomingle.”
“Oh.Yeah,”sherushedtosay,hervoicehorrifyinglyunnatural.“Youcouldn’tbemorerightaboutbreakingthingsoffbeforetheboringbluesstrike.Ididn’tthinkaboutitlikethat.”Sheclinkedherchampagneglassagainsthis.“We’reconsciouslyuncoupling.Trèsmature.”
“Right.Callitwhateveryouwant.”Adrianforcedawansmile.“Thanksforeverything.”
“No,thankyou.”Shepursedherlips,tryingtoappearasnon-airhead-likeaspossible.“I’velearnedalotaboutmyselfoverthelastthreeweeks.”
“Comeon,Piper.”Adrianlaughed,scrutinizingherheadtotoe.“Youplaydress-upandspendyourdaddy’smoney.Youdon’thaveareasontolearnanything.”
“DoIneedareason?”sheaskedlightly,lipsstilltiltedatthecorners.
Annoyedatbeingwaylaid,Adrianhuffedabreath.“Iguessnot.Butyoudefinitelyneedabrainthatfunctionsbeyondhowmanylikesyoucangetonapictureofyourrack.There’smoretolifethanthat,Piper.”
“Yes,Iknow,”shesaid,proddedbyirritation—andmorethanalittlebitofreluctantshame.“LifeiswhatI’mdocumentingthroughphotos.I—”
“God.”Hehalfgroaned,halflaughed.“Whyareyouforcingmetobeanasshole?”Someonecalledhisnamefrominsidethepenthouse,andheheldupafinger,keepinghisgazelockedonPiper.“There’sjustnothingtoyou,okay?TherearethousandsofPiperBellingersinthiscity.You’rejustawaytopassthetime.”Heshrugged.“Andyourtimehaspassed.”
ItwasamiraclePiperkeptherwinningsmileintactasAdriansailedaway,alreadycallingouttohisfriends.Everyoneontheroofdeckwasstaringather,whisperingbehindtheirhands,feelingsorryforher—ofallthehorrors.Shesalutedthemwithherglass,thenrealizeditwasempty.
Settingitdownonthetrayofapassingwaiter,shecollectedherBottegaVenetasatinknotclutchwithallthedignityshecouldmusterandglidedthroughthethrongofonlookers,blinkingbackthemoistureinhereyestobringtheelevatorcallbuttonintofocus.
Whenthedoorsfinallyhidherfromview,sheslumpedbackagainstthemetalwall,takingdeepbreathsinthroughhernose,outthroughhermouth.
Alreadythenewsthatshe’dbeendumpedbyAdrianwouldbeblastedacrossallthesocials,maybeevenwithvideoincluded.NotevenC-listcelebritieswouldinvitehertopartiesafterthis.
Shehadareputationasagoodtime.Someonetocovet.An“itgirl.”
Ifshedidn’thavehersocialstatus,whatdidshehave?
PiperpulledherphoneoutofherclutchandabsentlyrequestedaluxuryUber,connectingherwithadriverwhowasonlyfiveminutesaway.Thensheclosedtheappandpulledupherfavoriteslist.Herthumbhoveredoverthename“Hannah”momentarily,butlandedon“Kirby,”instead.Herfriendansweredonthefirstring.
“OhmyGod,isittrueyoubeggedAdriannottobreakupwithyouinfrontofAnselElgort?”
Itwasworsethanshethought.HowmanypeoplehadalreadytippedoffTMZ?Tomorrownightatsixthirty,theywouldbetossinghernamearoundthenewsroomwhileHarveysippedfromhisreusablecup.“Ididn’tbegAdriantokeepme.Comeon,Kirby,youknowmebetterthanthat.”
“Bitch,Ido.ButI’mnoteveryoneelse.Youneedtododamagecontrol.
Doyouhaveapublicistonretainer?”
“Notanymore.Danielsaidmegoingshoppingdoesn’tneedapressrelease.”
Kirbysnorted.“Okay,boomer.”
“Butyou’reright.Idoneeddamagecontrol.”Theelevatordoorsopened,andPipersteppedoff,clickingthroughthelobbyinherred-soledpumps,eventuallysteppingoutontoWilshire,thewarmJulyairdryingthedampnessinhereyes.ThetallbuildingsofdowntownLosAngelesreachedupintothesmoggysummernightsky,andshecranedhernecktofindthetops.“HowlateistherooftoppoolopenattheMondrian?”
“You’reaskingabouthoursofoperationatatimelikethis?”Kirbygriped,followedbythesoundofhervapecracklinginthebackground.“Idon’tknow,butit’spastmidnight.Ifit’snotalreadyclosed,itwillbesoon.”
AblackLincolnpulledupalongthecurb.Afterdouble-checkingthelicenseplatenumber,Piperclimbedinsideandshutthedoor.“Wouldn’tbreakingintothepoolandhavingthetimeofourlivesbe,like,thebestwaytofightfirewithfire?Adrianwouldbetheguywhobrokeupwithalegend.”
“Ohshit,”Kirbybreathed.“You’reresurrectingPipertwentyfourteen.”
Thiswastheanswer,wasn’tit?Therewasnobettertimeinherlifethantheyearsheturnedtwenty-oneandranabsolutelybuckwildthroughLosAngeles,makingherselffamousforbeingfamousintheprocess.Shewasjustinarut,thatwasall.Maybeitwastimetoreclaimhercrown.Maybe
thenshewouldn’thearAdrian’swordsloopingoverandoveragaininthebackofherhead,forcinghertoconsiderthathemightberight.
AmIjustoneofthousands?
OramIthegirlwhobreaksintoapoolforaswimatoneo’clockinthemorning?
Pipernoddedresolutelyandleanedforward.“CanyoutakemetotheMondrian,instead,please?”
Kirbyhooteddowntheline.“I’llmeetyouthere.”
“I’vegotabetteridea.”Pipercrossedherlegsandfellbackintheleatherseat.“Howaboutwehaveeveryonemeetusthere?”
ChapterTwo
Jailwasacold,darkplace.
Piperstoodintheverycenterofthecellshiveringandhuggingherelbowssoshewouldn’taccidentallytouchanythingthatmightrequireatetanusshot.Untilthismoment,theword“torture”hadonlybeenavaguedescriptionofsomethingshe’dneverunderstand.Buttryingtonotpeeinthemoldytoiletafterroughlysixmixeddrinkswasatormentnowomanshouldeverknow.Thelate-nightCoachellabathroomsituationhadnothingonthisgrimymetalthronethatmockedherfromthecornerofthecell.
“Excuseme?”Pipercalled,wobblingtothebarsinherheels.Therewerenoguardsinsight,butshecouldhearthedistinctivesoundsofCandyCrushcomingfromnearby.“Hi,it’sme,Piper.IsthereanotherbathroomIcoulduse?”
“No,princess,”awoman’svoicecalledback,soundingverybored.
“Thereisn’t.”
Shebouncedsidetoside,herbladderdemandingtobeevacuated.
“Wheredoyougotothebathroom?”
Asnort.“Wheretheothernon-criminalsgo.”
Piperwhinedinherthroat,althoughtheladyguardwentupanotchinherbookfordeliveringsuchasavageresponsewithouthesitation.“I’mnotacriminal,”Pipertriedagain.“Thisisallamisunderstanding.”
Atrilloflaughterechoeddownthedrabhallwayofthepolicestation.
HowmanytimeshadshepassedthestationonNorthWilcox?Nowshewasaninmate
Butseriously,ithadbeenonehellofaparty.
TheguardslowlyappearedinfrontofPiper’scell,fingerstuckedintoherbeigeuniformpants.Beige.Whoeverwasatthehelmoflaw
enforcementfashionshouldbesentencedforcruelandunusualpunishment.
“Youcalltwohundredpeoplebreakingintoahotelpoolafterhoursamisunderstanding?”
Pipercrossedherlegsandsuckedinabreaththroughhernose.IfshepeedherselfinValentino,shewouldvoluntarilyremaininjail.“Wouldyoubelievethepoolhoursweren’tprominentlyposted?”
“Isthattheargumentyourexpensivelawyerisgoingtouse?”Theguardshookherhead,visiblyamused.“Someonehadtoshattertheglassdoortogetinsideandletalltheotherrichkidsin.Whodidthat?Theinvisibleman?”
“Idon’tknow,butI’mgoingtofindout,”Pipervowedsolemnly.
Theguardsighedthroughasmile.“It’stoolateforthat,sweetheart.
Yourfriendwiththepurpletipsalreadynamedyouastheringleader.”
Kirby.
Hadtobe.
Nooneelseatthepartyhadpurpletips.Atleast,Piperdidn’tthinkso.
Somewherebetweenthechickenfightsinthepoolandtheillegalfirecrackersbeingsetoff,she’dkindoflosttrackoftheincomingguests.
SheshouldhaveknownbetterthantotrustKirby,though.SheandPiperwerefriends,butnotgoodenoughforhertolietothepolice.Thefoundationoftheirrelationshipwascommentingoneachother’ssocialmediapostsandenablingeachothertomakeridiculouspurchases,likeafour-thousand-dollarpurseshapedlikeatubeoflipstick.Mosttimes,thosekindsofsurface-levelfriendshipswerevaluable,butnottonight.
That’swhyheronephonecallhadgonetoHannah.
Speakingofwhom,wherewasherlittlesister?She’dmadethatcallanhourago.
Piperhoppedsidetoside,dangerouslyclosetousingherhandstokeeptheurinecontained.“Whoisforcingyoutowearbeigepants?”shegasped.
“Whyaren’ttheyinherewithme?”
“Fine.”Theguardflashedapalm.“Onthiswecanagree.”
“Literallyanyothercolorwouldbebetter.Nopantswouldbebetter.”
TryingtodistractherselffromtheChernobylhappeninginherlowerbody,sherambled,asshewaswonttodoinuncomfortablesituations.“Youhaveareallycutefigure,Officer,butit’s,like,acommandmentthatnooneshallpulloffnudekhaki.”
Theotherwoman’seyebrowarched.“Youcould.”
“You’reright,”Pipersobbed.“Itotallycould.”
Theguard’slaughfadedintoasigh.“Whatwereyouthinking,incitingthatchaostonight?”
Piperslumpedalittle.“Myboyfrienddumpedme.Andhe…didn’tevenlookmeintheeyethewholetime.IguessIjustwantedtobeseen.
Acknowledged.Celebratedinsteadof…disregarded.Youknow?”
“Scornedandactinglikeafool.Can’tsayIhaven’tbeenthere.”
“Really?”Piperaskedhopefully.
“Sure.Whohasn’tputalltheirboyfriend’sclothesinthebathtubandpouredbleachontop?”
PiperthoughtoftheTomFordsuitturningsplotchy,andshivered.
“That’scold,”shewhispered.“MaybeIshouldhavejustslashedhistires.
Atleastthat’slegal.”
“That’s…notlegal.”
“Oh.”Pipersenttheguardanexaggeratedwink.“Riiiight.”
Thewomanshookherhead,glancingupanddownthehallway.“Allright,look.It’saquietnight.Ifyoudon’tgivemeanytrouble,I’llletyouusetheslightlylessshittybathroom.”
“Oh,thankyou,thankyou,thankyou.”
Withherkeyspoisedoverthekeyhole,theguardhitherwithseriouseyes.“IhaveaTaser.”
Piperfollowedhersaviordownthehalltothebathroom,whereshemeticulouslygatheredtheskirtofherValentinoandeasedtheunholypressureinherbladder,moaninguntilthefinaldropfell.Asshewashedherhandsinthesmallsink,herattentioncaughtonthereflectioninthemirror.
Raccooneyeslookedbackather.Smearedlipstick,limphair.Definitelyalongwayfromwhereshe’dbeguntheevening,butshecouldn’thelpbutfeellikeasoldierreturningfrombattle.She’dsetouttodivertattentionfromherbreakup,hadn’tshe?
AnLAPDhelicoptercirclingoverheadwhilesheledacongalinehaddefinitelyreaffirmedherstatusasthereigningpartyqueenofLosAngeles.
Probably.They’dconfiscatedherphoneduringthewholemugshot/fingerprintthing,soshedidn’tknowwhatwashappeningontheinternet.Herfingerswereitchingtotapsomeapps,andthat’sexactlywhatshewoulddoassoonasHannaharrivedtobailherout.
Shelookedatherreflection,surprisedtofindtheprospectofbreakingtheinternetdidn’tsetherheartintoathrillingpitter-patterthewayitdidbefore.Wasshebroken?
Pipersnortedandpushedawayfromthesink,usinganelbowtopulldownthedoorhandleuponleaving.Obviouslythenighthadtakenitstoll—
afterall,itwasnearlyfiveo’clockinthemorning.Assoonasshegotsomesleep,she’dspendthedayrevelingincongratulatorytextsandaninundationofnewfollowers.Allwouldbewell.
TheguardcuffedPiperagainandstartedtowalkherbacktothecell,justasanotherguardcalleddowntothemfromtheoppositeend.“Yo,Lina.
Bellingermadebail.Bringherdowntoprocessing.”
Herarmsflewupinvictory.“Yes!”
Linalaughed.“Comeon,beautyqueen.”
Vigorrestored,Piperskippedalongsidetheotherwoman.“Lina,huh?Ioweyoubig-time.”Sheclutchedherhandsbeneathherchinandgaveherawinningpout.“Thankyouforbeingsonicetome.”
“Don’treadtoomuchintoit,”drawledtheguard,thoughherexpressionwaspleased.“Ijustwasn’tinthemoodtocleanuppiss.”
Piperlaughed,allowingLinatounlockthedoorattheendofthegrayhallway.AndtherewasHannahintheprocessingarea,wearingpajamasandaballcap,fillingoutpaperworkwithhereyeshalfclosed.
WarmthwiggledintoPiper’schestatthesightofheryoungersister
Theywerenothingalike,hadevenlessincommon,buttherewasnooneelsePiperwouldcallinapinch.Ofthetwosisters,Hannahwasthedependableone,eventhoughshehadalazyhippieside.
WherePiperwastaller,Hannahhadbeencalledashrimpgrowingupandneverquitehitthemiddleschoolgrowthspurt.Atthemoment,shekeptherpetitefigureburiedunderaUCLAsweatshirt,hersandy-blondhairpokingoutaroundtheblankredhat.
“Sheclear?”Linaaskedathin-lippedmanhunchedbehindthedesk.
Hewavedahandwithoutlookingup.“Moneysolveseverything.”
Linaunlockedhercuffsonceagain,andsheshotforward.“Hannnnns,”
Piperwhimpered,throwingherarmsaroundhersister.“I’llpayyoubackforthis.I’lldoyourchoresforaweek.”
“Wedon’thavechores,youradish.”Hannahyawned,grindingafistintohereye.“Whydoyousmelllikeincense?”
“Oh.”Pipersniffedhershoulder.“Ithinkthefortune-tellerlitsome.”
Straightening,shesquintedhereyes.“Notsurehowshefoundoutabouttheparty.”
Hannahgaped,seemingtoawakenatleastmarginally,herhazeleyesatotalcontrasttoPiper’sbabyblues.“Didshehappentotellyouthere’sanangrystepfatherinyourfuture?”
Piperwinced.“Oof.IhadafeelingIcouldn’tavoidthewrathofDanielQ.Bellinger.”Shecranedhernecktoseeiftherewasanyoneretrievingherphone.“Howdidhefindout?”
“Thenews,Pipes.Thenews.”
“Right.”Shesighed,smoothingherhandsdowntherumpledskirtofherdress.“Nothingthelawyerscan’thandle,right?Hopefullyhe’llletmegetinashowerandsomesleepbeforeoneofhisfamouslectures.I’mawalkingafterphoto.”
“Shutup,youlookgreat,”Hannahsaid,herlipstwitchingasshecompletedthepaperworkwithaflourishofhersignature.“Youalwayslookgreat.”
Piperdidalittleshimmy.
“Bye,Lina!”Pipercalledonthewayoutofthestation,herbelovedphonecradledinherarmslikeanewborn,fingersvibratingwiththeneedtoswipe.She’dbeendirectedtothebackexitwhereHannahcouldpullthecararound.Protocol,they’dsaid.
Shetookonestepoutthedoorandwassurroundedbyphotographers.
“Piper!Overhere!”
Hervanityscreechedlikeapterodactyl.
Nervesswervedrightandleftinherbelly,butsheflashedthemaquicksmileandputherheaddown,clickingasfastasshecouldtowardHannah’swaitingJeep.
“PiperBellinger!”oneofthepaparazzishouted.“Howwasyournightinjail?”
“Doyouregretwastingtaxpayermoney?”
Thetoeofherhighheelcaughtinacrack,andshealmostsprawledface-firstontotheasphaltbutcaughttheedgeofthedoorHannahhadpushedopen,throwingherselfintothepassengerside.Closingthedoorhelpedcutofftheshoutedquestions,butthelastoneshe’dheardcontinuedtoblareinhermind.
Wastingtaxpayermoney?She’djustthrownaparty,right?
Fine,ithadtakenaconsiderableamountofpoliceofficerstobreakitup,butlike,thiswasLosAngeles.Weren’tthepolicejustwaitingaroundforstufflikethistohappen?
Okay,thatsoundedprivilegedandbrattyeventoherownears.
Suddenlyshewasn’tsoeagertocheckhersocialmedia.
Shewipedhersweatingpalmsonherdress.“Iwasn’ttryingtoputanyoneoutorwastemoney.Iwasn’tthinkingthatfarahead,”Pipersaidquietly,twistingtofacehersisterasmuchasshecouldinaseatbelt.“Isthisbad,Hanns?”
Hannah’steethweresunkintoherlowerlip,herhandsonthewheelslowlynavigatingherwaythroughthepeoplefranticallysnappingPiper’spicture.“It’snotgood,”sheansweredafterapause.“Buthey,youusedtopullstuntslikethisallthetime,remember?Thelawyersalwaysfindawaytospinit,andtomorrowthey’llbeontosomethingelse.”Shereachedoutandtappedthetouchscreen,andalowmelodyfloodedthecar.“Checkitout.Ihavetheperfectsongcuedupforthismoment.”
Thesombernotesof“PrisonWomen”byREOSpeedwagonfloatedoutfromthespeakers.
Piper’sskullthuddedagainsttheheadrest.“Veryfunny.”Shetappedherphoneagainstherkneeforafewseconds,beforesnappingherspinestraightandopeningInstagram.
Thereitwas.Thepictureshe’dpostedearlythismorning,at2:42,accusedthetimestamp.Kirby,thetraitorouswench,hadsnappeditusingPiper’sphone.Intheshot,Piperwasperchedontheshouldersofamanwhosenameshecouldn’trecall—thoughshehadavaguerecollectionofhimclaimingtoplaysecondstringfortheLakers?—strippeddowntopantiesandboobtape,butlike,inanartisticway.HerValentinodresswasdrapedoveraloungechairinthebackground.FirecrackerswentoffaroundherliketheFourthofJuly,swathingPiperinsparklesandsmoke.Shelookedlikeagoddessrisingfromanelectricmist—andthepicturewasnearingamillionlikes.
Tellingherselfnotto,Pipertappedthehighlightedsectionthatwouldshowherexactlywhohadlikedthepicture.Adrianwasn’toneofthem.
Whichwasfine.Amillionotherpeoplehad,right?
Buttheyhadn’tspentthreeweekswithher.
Tothem,shewasjustatwo-dimensionalimage.IftheyspentmorethanthreeweekswithPiper,wouldtheyscrollpast,too?Lettinghersinkintotheblurofthethousandothergirlsjustlikeher?
“Hey,”Hannahsaid,pausingthesong.“It’sgoingtobeallright.”
Piper’slaughsoundedforced,soshecutitshort.“Iknow.Italwaysturnsoutallright.”Shepressedherlipstogether.“Wanttohearaboutthewetboxerscompetition?”
ChapterThree
Itwasnotallright,asitturnedout.
Nothingwas.
Notaccordingtotheirstepfather,DanielBellinger,reveredAcademyAward–winningmovieproducer,philanthropist,andcompetitiveyachtsman.
PiperandHannahhadattemptedtocreepinthroughthecateringentranceoftheirBel-Airmansion.They’dmovedinwhenPiperwasfourandHannahtwo,aftertheirmothermarriedDaniel,andneitherofthemcouldrememberlivinganywhereelse.Everyonceinawhile,whenPipercaughtawhiffoftheocean,hermemorysentupasignalthroughthefog,remindingherofthePacificNorthwesttownwhereshe’dbeenborn,buttherewasnothingsubstantialtoclingtoanditalwaysdriftedawaybeforeshecouldgraspon.
Now,herstepfather’swrath?Shecouldfullygraspthat.
Itwasetchedintothetannedlinesofhisfamousface,inthedisappointedheadshakeshegavethesistersastheysat,sidebyside,onacouchinhishomeoffice.Behindhim,awardsgleamedonshelves,framedmoviepostershungonwalls,andthephoneonhisL-shapeddesklitupeverytwoseconds,althoughhe’dsilenceditfortheupcominglecture.TheirmotherwasatPilates,andoutofeverything?ThatmadePiperthemostnervous.Maureentendedtohaveacalmingeffectonherhusband—andhewasanythingbutcalmrightnow.
“Um,Daniel?”Piperchancedbrightly,tuckingapieceofwiltedhairbehindherear.“NoneofthisisHannah’sfault.Isitokayifsheheadstobed?”
“Shestays.”HepinnedHannahwithasternlook.“Youwereforbiddentobailheroutanddiditanyway.”
Piperturnedherastonishmentonhersister.“Youdidwhat?”
“WhatwasIsupposedtodo?”Hannahwhippedoffherhatandwrungitbetweenherknees.“Leaveyouthere,Pipes?”
“Yeah,”Pipersaidslowly,facingherstepfatherwithmountinghorror
“Whatdidyouwanthertodo?Leavemethere?”
Agitated,Danielshovedhisfingersthroughhishair.“Ithoughtyoulearnedyourlessonalongtimeago,Piper.Orlessons,plural,rather.YouwerestillflittingaroundtoeverygoddamnpartybetweenhereandtheValley,butyouweren’tcostingmemoneyormakingmelooklikeafuckingidiotintheprocess.”
“Ouch.”Pipersunkbackintothecouchcushions.“Youdon’thavetobemean.”
“Idon’thavetobe—”Danielmadeanexasperatedsoundandpinchedthebridgeofhisnose.“Youaretwenty-eightyearsold,Piper,andyouhavedonenothingwithyourlife.Nothing.You’vebeenaffordedeveryopportunity,givenanythingyourlittleheartcouldaskfor,andallyouhavetoshowforitisa…adigitalexistence.Itmeansnothing.”
Ifthat’strue,thenImeannothing,too
Pipersnaggedapillowandhelditoverherroilingstomach,givingHannahagratefullookwhenshereachedovertorubherknee.“Daniel,I’msorry.IhadabadbreakuplastnightandIactedout.Iwon’tdoanythinglikethateveragain.”
Danielseemedtodeflatealittle,retreatingtohisdesktoleanontheedge.“Noonehandedmeanythinginthisbusiness.IstartedasapageontheParamountlot.Fillingsandwichorders,fetchingcoffee.IwasanerrandboywhileIworkedmywaythroughfilmschool.”Pipernodded,doingherbesttoappeardeeplyinterested,eventhoughDanieltoldthisstoryateverydinnerpartyandcharityevent.“Istayedready,armedwithknowledgeanddrive,justwaitingformyopportunity,soIcouldseizeit”—hesnappedhisfistclosed—“andneverlookback.”
“That’swhenyouwereaskedtorunlineswithCorbinKidder,”Piperrecitedfrommemory.
“Yes.”Herstepfatherinclinedhishead,momentarilypleasedtofindoutshe’dbeenpayingattention.“Asthedirectorlookedon,Inotonlydelivered
thelineswithpassionandzeal,butIimprovedthetiredtext.Addedmyownflair.”
“Andyouwerebroughtonasawriter’sassistant.”Hannahsighed,windingherfingerforhimtowrapuptheoft-repeatedstory.“ForKubrickhimself.”
Heexhaledthroughhisnose.“That’sright.Anditbringsmebacktomyoriginalpoint.”Afingerwaswagged.“Piper,you’retoocomfortable.AtleastHannahearnedadegreeandisgainfullyemployed.EvenifIcalledinfavorstogetherthelocationscoutgig,atleastshe’sproductive.”Hannahhunchedhershouldersbutsaidnothing.“Wouldyouevencareifopportunitycameknockingonyourdoor,Piper?Youhavenodrivetogoanywhere.Ordoanything.WhywouldyouwhenthislifeI’veprovidedyouisalwayshere,rewardingyourlackofambitionwithcomfortandanexcusetoremainblissfullystagnant?”
Piperstaredupatthemanshethoughtofasafather,stunnedtofindouthe’dbeenseeingherinsuchanegativelight.She’dgrownupinBel-Air.
Vacationingandthrowingpoolpartiesandrubbingelbowswithfamousactors.Thiswastheonlylifesheknew.Noneofherfriendsworked.Onlyahandfulofthemhadbotheredwithcollege.Whatwasthepointofadegree?
Tomakemoney?Theyalreadyhadtonsofit.
IfDanielorhermotherhadeverencouragedhertodosomethingelse,shecouldn’trememberanysuchconversation.Wasmotivationathingthatotherpeopleweresimplybornwith?Andwhenthetimecametomaketheirwayintheworld,theysimplyacted?Shouldshehavebeenlookingforapurposethiswholetime?
Weirdly,noneoftheinspirationalquotesshe’dpostedinthepastheldtheanswer.
“Iloveyourmotherverymuch,”Danielcontinued,asifreadinghermind.“OrIdon’tthinkIwouldhavebeenthispatientforsolong.But,Piper…youwenttoofarthistime.”
Hereyesshottohis,herkneesbeginningtotremble.Hadheeverusedthatresignedtonewithherbefore?Ifso,shedidn’trecall.“Idid?”shewhispered.
Besideher,Hannahshifted,asignshewaspickinguponthegravityofthemoment,too.
Danielbobbedhishead.“TheowneroftheMondrianisfinancingmynextfilm.”Thatnewslandedlikeagrenadeinthecenteroftheoffice.“He’snothappyaboutlastnight,toputitquitemildly.Youmadehishotelseemlikeitlackssecurity.Youmadeitalaughingstock.Andworse,youcouldhaveburnedthegoddamnplacedown.”Hestaredatherwithhardeyes,lettingitallsinkin.“He’sthreatenedtopullthebudget,Piper.It’saveryconsiderableamount.Themoviewillnotgetmadewithouthiscontribution.
AtleastnotuntilIfindanotherbacker—anditcouldtakemeyearsinthiseconomy.”
“I’msorry,”Piperbreathed,themagnitudeofwhatshe’ddonesinkingherevenfartherintothecouchcushions.HadshereallyblownabusinessdealforDanielinthenameofpostingarevengesnapthatwouldmakehertriumphantinabreakup?Wasshethatfrivolousandstupid?
HadAdrianbeenright?
“Ididn’tknow.I…Ihadnoideawhoownedthehotel.”
“No,ofcoursenot.Whocareswhoyouractionsaffect,right,Piper?”
“Allright.”Hannahsatforwardwithafrown.“Youdon’thavetobesohardonher.Sheobviouslyrealizesshemadeamistake.”
Danielremainedunfazed.“Well,it’samistakeshe’sgoingtoanswerfor.”
PiperandHannahtradedaglance.“Whatdoyoumeanby”—Piperwiggledherfingersintheshapeofairquotes—“‘answerfor’?”
Theirstepfathertookhistimeroundinghisdeskandopeningthebottomfilingdrawer,hesitatingonlyamomentbeforeremovingamanilafolder.Hetappeditsteadilyonhisdeskcalendar,consideringthenervoussistersthroughnarrowedeyes.“Wedon’ttalkalotaboutyourpast.ThetimebeforeImarriedyourmother.I’lladmitthat’smostlybecauseI’mselfishandIdidn’twantremindersthatshelovedsomeonebeforeme.”
“Awww,”Pipersaidautomatically.
Heignoredher.“Asyouknow,yourfatherwasafisherman.HelivedinWestport,Washington,thesametownwhereyourmotherwasborn.Quaintlittleplace.”
Piperstartedatthementionofherbirthfather.AkingcrabfishermannamedHenrywho’ddiedayoungman,suckeddownintotheicydepthsoftheBeringSea.Hereyesdriftedtothewindow,totheworldbeyond,tryingtorememberwhatcamebeforethisswankylifetowhichshe’dgrownso
accustomed.Thelandscapeandcolorofthefirstfouryearsofherlifewereelusive,butshecouldremembertheoutlineofherfather’shead.Couldrememberhiscrackinglaugh,thesmellofsaltwateronhisskin.
Couldrememberhermother’slaughterechoinginkind,warmandsweet.
Therewasnowaytowrapherheadaroundthatothertimeandplace—
howdifferentitwasfromhercurrentsituation—andshe’dtriedmanytimes.IfMaureenhadn’tmovedtoLosAngelesasagrievingwidow,armedwithnothingmorethangoodlooksandbeingadabhandatsewing,sheneverwouldhavelandedajobworkinginwardrobeonDaniel’sfirstfilm.
Hewouldn’thavefalleninlovewithher,andthislavishlifestyleoftheirswouldbenothingmorethanadream,whileMaureenexistedinsomeother,unimaginabletimeline.
“Westport,”Hannahrepeated,asiftestingthewordonhertongue.
“Momnevertoldusthename.”
“Yes,well.Icanimagineeverythingthathappenedwaspainfulforher.”
Hesniffed,tappingtheedgeofthefolderagain.“Obviouslyshe’sfinenow.
Betterthanfine.”Abeatpassed.“ThemeninWestport…theyheadtotheBeringSeaduringkingcrabseason,insearchoftheirannualpayday.Butit’snotalwaysreliable.Sometimestheycatchverylittleandhavetosplitaminorsumamongalargecrew.Becauseofthis,yourfatheralsoownedasmallbar.”
Piper’slipsedgedupintoasmile.Thiswasthemostanyonehadeverspokentoherabouttheirbirthfather,andthedetails…theywerelikecoinsdroppingintoanemptyjarinsideofher,slowlyfillingitup.Shewantedmore.Shewantedtoknoweverythingaboutthismanwhomshecouldonlyrememberforhisboisterouslaugh.
Hannahclearedherthroat,herthighpressingagainstPiper’s.“Whyareyoutellingusallofthisnow?”Shechewedherlip.“What’sinthefolder?”
“Thedeedtothebar.Heleftthebuildingtoyougirlsinhiswill.”Hesetthefolderdownonhisdeskandflippeditopen.“Alongtimeago,Iputacustodianinplace,tomakesureitdidn’tfallintodisrepair,buttruthfully,I’dforgottenallaboutituntilnow.”
“OhmyGod…”Hannahsaidunderherbreath,obviouslypredictingsomeoutcometothisconversationthatPiperwasnotyetgrasping.“A-areyou…?”
DanielsighedinthewakeofHannah’strailed-offquestion.“Myinvestorisdemandingashowofcontritionforwhatyoudid,Piper.He’saself-mademanlikemeandwouldlikenothingmorethantostickittomeovermyspoiled,rich-kiddaughter.”Piperflinched,buthedidn’tseeitbecausehewasscanningthecontentsofthefile.“NormallyIwouldtellanyonewhodemandedsomethingfrommetofuckoff…butIcan’tignoremygutfeelingthatyouneedtolearntofendforyourselfforawhile.”
“Whatdoyoumeanby”—Piperdidairquotesagain—“‘fend’?”
“Imeanyou’regettingoutofyourcomfortzone.Imeanyou’regoingtoWestport.”
Hannah’smouthdroppedopen.
Pipershotforward.“Wait.What?Forhowlong?WhatamIsupposedtodothere?”SheturnedherpanickedgazeonHannah.“DoesMomknowaboutthis?”
“Yes,”Maureensaidfromtheofficedoorway.“Sheknows.”
Piperwhimperedintoherwrist.
“Threemonths,Pipes.Youcanmakeitthatlong.AndIhopeyouwoulddoitwithouthesitation,consideringI’llmaintainmyfilmbudgetbymakingtheseamends.”DanielcamearoundthedeskanddroppedthemanilafolderintoPiper’slap.Shestaredatitlikeonemightascuttlingcockroach.
“Thereisasmallapartmentabovethebar.I’vecalledaheadtomakesureit’scleaned.I’msettingupadebitaccounttogetyoustarted,butafterthat…”Oh,helookedwaytoopleased.“You’reonyourown.”
Mentallylistingallofthegalasandfashionshowsthatwouldhappenoverthecourseofthreewholemonths,Pipergottoherfeetandsenthermotherapleadinglook.“Mom,you’rereallygoingtolethimsendmeaway?”Shewasreeling.“WhatamIsupposedtodo?Like,fishforaliving?Idon’tevenknowhowtomaketoast.”
“I’mconfidentyou’llfigureitout,”Maureensaidsoftly,herexpressionsympatheticbutfirm.“Thiswillbegoodforyou.You’llsee.Youmightevenlearnsomethingaboutyourself.”
“No.”Pipershookherhead.Didn’tlastnightyieldtherevelationthatshewasgoodfornothingbutpartyingandlookinghot?Shedidn’thavethesurvivalskillsforalifeoutsideofthesegates.Butshecouldcopewiththataslongaseverythingstayedfamiliar.Outthere,herineptitude,heruselessness,wouldbeglaring.“I—I’mnotgoing.”
“ThenI’mnotpayingyourlegalfees,”Danielsaidreluctantly.
“I’mshaking,”Piperwhispered,holdingupaflat,quakinghand.“Lookatme.”
Hannahthrewanarmaroundhersister.“I’mgoingwithher.”
Danieldidadoubletake.“Whataboutyourjob?IpulledstringswithSergeitogetyouacovetedspotwiththeproductioncompany.”
AtthementionofSergei,Hannah’slong-standingcrush,Piperfelthersister’ssplitsecondofindecision.Forthelastyear,theyoungestBellingerhadbeenpiningforthebroodyHollywoodupstartwhosedebutfilm,Nobody’sBaby,hadtakenthePalmed’OratCannes.MostoftheballadsconstantlyblaringfromHannah’sroomcouldbeattributedtoherdeepinfatuation.
Hersister’ssolidaritymadePiper’sthroatfeeltight,buttherewasnowayshe’dallowhersinstobanishherfavoritepersontoWestport,too.
Piperherselfwasn’tevenresignedtogoingyet.“Danielwillchangehismind,”shewhisperedoutofthesideofhermouthtoHannah.“It’llbefine.”
“Iwillnot,”Danielboomed,lookingoffended.“YouleaveattheendofJuly.”
Piperdidamentalcount.“That’s,like,onlyafewweeksfromnow!”
“I’dtellyoutousethetimetotieupyouraffairs,butyoudon’thaveany.”
Maureenmadeasound.“Ithinkthat’senough,Daniel.”Withafacefullofcensure,shecorralledthestunnedsistersoutoftheroom.“Comeon.
Let’stakesometimetoprocess.”
ThethreeBellingerwomenascendedthestairstogether,climbinguptothethirdfloorwhereHannah’sandPiper’sbedroomswaitedonoppositesidesofthecarpetedhall.TheydriftedintoPiper’sroom,settlingherontheedgeofthebed,andthensteppedbacktoobserveherasiftheyweremedicalstudentsbeingaskedtomakeadiagnosis.
Handsonknees,Hannahanalyzedherface.“Howareyoudoing,Piper?”
“Canyoureallynotgethimtochangehismind,Mom?”Pipercroaked.
Maureenshookherhead.“I’msorry,sweetie.”Hermotherfellontothebedbesideher,takingherlimphand.Forlongmoments,shewasquiet,clearlygearingupforsomething.“IthinkpartofthereasonIdidn’tfightDanielveryhardonsendingyoutoWestportis…well,Ihavealotofguilt
forkeepingsomuchofyourrealfathertomyself.Iwasinsomuchpainforalongtime.Bitter,too.AndIbottleditallup,neglectinghismemoryintheprocess.Thatwasn’trightofme.”Hereyelidsdrifteddown.“TogotoWestport…istomeetyourfather,Piper.HeisWestport.There’ssomuchmorehistory…stilllivinginthattownthanyouknow.That’swhyIcouldn’tstayafterhedied.Hewassurroundingme…andIwasjustsoangryovertheunfairnessofitall.Notevenmyparentscouldgetthroughtome.”
“HowlongdidtheystayinWestportafteryouleft?”Hannahasked,referringtothegrandparentswhovisitedthemonoccasion,thoughthevisitshadgrownfewandfarbetweenasthesistersgotolder.WhenDanielofficiallyadoptedPiperandHannah,theirgrandparentshadn’tseemedcomfortablewiththewholeprocess,andthecontactbetweenthemandMaureenhadfadedindegrees,eveniftheystillspokeonholidaysandbirthdays.
“Notlong.TheyboughttheranchinUtahshortlyafter.Farfromthewater.”Maureenlookeddownatherhands.“Themagichadgoneoutofthetownforallofus,Ithink.”
Pipercouldunderstandhermother’sreasoning.Couldsympathizewiththeguilt.Butherentirelifewasbeinguprootedforamanshedidn’tknow.
Twenty-fouryearshadgonebywithoutasinglewordaboutHenryCross.
Hermothercouldn’texpecthertojumpallovertheopportunitynowbecauseshe’ddecideditwastimetodumptheguilt.
“Thisisn’tfair,”Pipergroaned,fallingbackwardonherbed,upsettingherecruMillesimobedsheets.Hannahsprawledoutbesideher,throwinganarmoverPiper’sstomach.
“It’sonlythreemonths,”Maureensaid,risingandfloatingfromtheroom.Justbeforeshewalkedout,sheturnedback,handpoisedonthedoorframe.“Wordtothewise,Piper.ThemeninWestport…they’renotwhatyou’reusedto.They’reunpolishedanddirect.Capableinawaythemenofyouracquaintance…aren’t.”Hergazegrewdistant.“Theirjobisdangerousandtheydon’tcarehowmuchitscaresyou,theygobacktotheseaeverytime.They’llalwayschooseitoverawoman.Andthey’dratherdiedoingwhattheylovethanbesafeathome.”
TheuncharacteristicgravityinMaureen’stonegluedPipertothebed
“Whyareyoutellingmethis?”
Hermotherliftedadelicateshoulder.“Thatdangerinamancanbeexcitingtoawoman.Untilit’snotanymore.Thenit’sshattering.Justkeepthatinmindifyoufeel…drawnin.”
Maureenseemedlikeshewantedtosaymore,butshetappedthedoorframetwiceandwent,leavingthetwosistersstaringafterher.
PiperreachedbackforapillowandhandedittoHannah.“Smothermewiththis.Please.It’sthehumanethingtodo.”
“I’mcomingwithyoutoWestport.”
“No.Whataboutyourjob?AndSergei?”Piperexhaled.“Youhavegoodthingshappeninghere,Hanns.I’llfindawaytocope.”ShegaveHannahamockseriousface.“TheymusthavesugardaddiesinWestport,right?”
“I’mdefinitelygoingwithyou.”
AbouttheAuthor
NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorTESSABAILEYaspirestothreethings:writinghotandunforgettablecharacter-drivenromance,beingagoodmother,andeventuallysneakingontothejudgingpanelofareality-showbakingcompetition.ShelivesonLongIsland,NewYork,withherhusbandanddaughter,writingalldayandrewardingherselfwithacheeseplateandNetflixbingeintheevening.Ifyouwantsexy,heartfelt,humorousromancewithaguaranteedhappyending,you’vecometotherightplace.
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ByTessaBailey
BELLINGERSISTERS
ItHappenedOneSummer
Hook,Line,andSinker
HOT&HAMMERED
FixHerUp
LoveHerorLoseHer
ToolsofEngagement
THEACADEMY
DisorderlyConduct
IndecentExposure
DisturbingHisPeace
BROKEANDBEAUTIFUL
ChaseMe
NeedMe
MakeMe
ROMANCINGTHECLARKSONS
TooHottoHandle
TooWildtoTame
TooHardtoForget
TooClosetoCall(novella)
TooBeautifultoBreak
MADEINJERSEY
CrashedOut
RoughRhythm(novella)
ThrownDown
WorkedUp
WoundTight
CROSSINGTHELINE
RiskierBusiness(novella)
RiskingItAll
UpinSmoke
BoilingPoint
RawRedemption
LINEOFDUTY
ProtectingWhat’sHis
ProtectingWhat’sTheirs(novella)
HisRisktoTake
OfficerOffLimits
AskingforTrouble
StakingHisClaim
SERVE
OwnedbyFate
ExposedbyFate
DrivenbyFate
BEACHKINGDOM
MouthtoMouth
HeatStroke
SinkorSwim
STANDALONEBOOKS
Unfixable
BaitingtheMaidofHonor
OffBase(withSophieJordan)
Captivated(withEveDangerfield)
GetawayGirl
RunawayGirl
Copyright
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsareproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiouslyandarenottobeconstruedasreal.Anyresemblancetoactualevents,locales,organizations,orpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.
HOOK,LINE,ANDSINKER.Copyright?2022byTessaBailey.ExcerptfromIT
HAPPENEDONESUMMER?2021byTessaBailey.AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.Bypaymentoftherequiredfees,youhavebeengrantedthenonexclusive,nontransferablerighttoaccessandreadthetextofthise-bookon-screen.Nopartofthistextmaybereproduced,transmitted,downloaded,decompiled,reverse-engineered,orstoredinorintroducedintoanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,inanyformorbyanymeans,whetherelectronicormechanical,nowknownorhereafterinvented,withouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofHarperCollinse-books.
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FIRSTEDITION
DigitalEditionMARCH2022ISBN:978-0-06-304570-5
Version12272021
PrintISBN:978-0-06-304569-9(paperback)
ISBN978-0-06-321274-9(hardcoverlibraryedition)
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DocumentOutline
TitlePage
Dedication
Contents
Prologue
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
AnExcerptFromItHappenedOneSummer
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
AbouttheAuthor
ByTessaBailey
Copyright
AboutthePublisher
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