Icebreaker

ICEBREAKER
THEUCMHSERIES
BOOK1HANNAHGRACECONTENTS
Playlist
One|Anastasia
Two|Nathan
Three|Anastasia
Four|Nathan
Five|Anastasia
Six|Nathan
Seven|Anastasia
Eight|Nathan
Nine|Anastasia
Ten|Nathan
Eleven|Anastasia
Twelve|Nathan
Thirteen|Anastasia
Fourteen|Nathan
Fifteen|Anastasia
Sixteen|Nathan
Seventeen|Anastasia
Eighteen|Nathan
Nineteen|Anastasia
Twenty|Nathan
Twenty-One|Anastasia
Twenty-Two|Nathan
Twenty-Three|Anastasia
Twenty-Four|Nathan
Twenty-Five|Anastasia
Twenty-Six|Nathan
Twenty-Seven|Anastasia
Twenty-Eight|Nathan
Twenty-Nine|Anastasia
Thirty|Nathan
Thirty-One|Anastasia
Thirty-Two|Nathan
Thirty-Three|Anastasia
Thirty-Four|Nathan
Thirty-Five|Anastasia
Thirty-Six|Nathan
Thirty-Seven|Anastasia
Thirty-Eight|Nathan
Thirty-Nine|Anastasia
Forty|Nathan
Forty-One|Anastasia
Forty-Two|Nathan
Forty-Three|Anastasia
Forty-Four|Nathan
Forty-Five|Anastasia
Forty-Six|Nathan
Forty-Seven|Anastasia
Forty-Eight|Nathan
Forty-Nine|Anastasia
Fifty|Nathan
Epilogue
Thankyouforreading
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthorCopyright?2022byHannahGrace.
Allrightsreserved.
PublishedbyPig&BearPublishing.
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrievalsystems,withoutpriorwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher,exceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsforbookreviewpurposes.
Thebookisaworkoffiction.Thecharactersandeventsinthisbookarefictitious.Anysimilaritytorealpersons,livingordead,ispurelycoincidentalandnotintendedbytheauthor.
CoverDesign:LeniKauffman,www.lenikauffman.com
Editor:PaisleyMcNab,www.perfectlywrite.ca
ISBN:978-1-915593-00-9(Paperback)
Thisbookisintendedforan18+audience.
Foracontentwarningguide,pleasecheckout:www.hannahgrace.co.ukForErin,Kiley,andRebecca
Thankyouforbelievinginme.
Thisbookisforyouguys.PLAYLIST
CRUELSUMMER|TAYLORSWIFT
KISSMEMORE(FEAT.SZA)|DOJACAT
TALKINGBODY|TOVELO
SHUTUP|ARIANAGRANDE
IDGAF|DUALIPA
ENERGY|TYLAJANE
MOTIVATION|NORMANI
ONEKISS(WITHDUALIPA)|CALVINHARRIS
DANCEFORYOU|BEYONCé
NEEDY|ARIANAGRANDE
WHO’S|JACQUEES
LOSEYOUTOLOVEME|SELENAGOMEZ
KISSME|SIXPENCENONETHERICHER
BOYFRIEND(WITHSOCIALHOUSE)|ARIANAGRANDE
RUMORS(FEAT.ZAYN)|SABRINACLAUDIO
MORETHANENOUGH|ALINABARAZ
YOUSHOULDSEEMEINACROWN|BILLIEEILISH
I’MFAKING|SABRINACARPENTER
MAKEMEFEEL|JANELLEMONáE
CANI|KEHLANI“SkatingwasthevesselintowhichIcouldpourmyheartandsoul.”
—PeggyFlemmingONE|ANASTASIA
“Again,Anastasia!”
IfIhearthewordsagainandAnastasiatogetherinasentenceonemoretime,itmightbethethingthatfinallytipsmeovertheedge.
I’vebeenontheedgesinceIwokeupthismorningwithahangoversentdirectlyfromthepitsofhell,sothelastthingIneedrightnowismoregrieffromCoachAubreyBrady.
Ifocusonsuppressingmyannoyance,likeIdoeverytrainingsessionwhenshemakesithermissiontopushmetomylimits.Rationalizingit’sherdedicationthatmakeshersuchasuccessfulcoach,Idecidethrowingmyiceskatesatherissomethingthatshouldstayinmyimagination.
“You’rebeingsloppy,Stas!”sheyellsasweflystraightpasther.“Sloppygirlsdon’tgetmedals!”
WhatdidIsayaboutnotthrowingskatesather?
“Comeon,Anastasia.Putinsomeeffortforonce.”Aaronsnickers,pokinghistongueoutatmewhenIshoothimacoldglare.
AaronCarlisleisthebestmalefigureskatertheUniversityofCalifornia,MapleHillshastooffer.WhenIwasofferedaspotatUCMHandmyskatingpartnerwasn’t,Aaronwasluckilyinthesameposition,andwebecamepairs.Thisisourthirdyearofskatingtogetherandourthirdyearofgettingourasseskicked.
IhaveatheorythatAubreyisaSovietspy.Idon’thaveanyevidence,andmytheoryisn’twelldeveloped.Developedatall,actually.Butsometimes,whenshe’sscreamingatmetostraightenmyspineorliftmychin,IswearaslightRussianaccentslipsout.
WhichispeculiarforawomanfromPhilipsburg,Montana.
ComradeBradywasafigureskatingsuperstarinherheyday.Evennow,hermovementsaredelicateandcontrolled,andshemoveswithsuchgraceit’shardtobelieveshecanshoutasloudasshedoes.
Hergrayinghairisalwayspulledbackintoatightbun,whichaccentuatesherhighcheekbones,andshe’salwayswrappedtightinhersignaturefaux-furblackcoat,whichAaronjokesiswhereshehidesallhersecrets.
TherumorisshewassupposedtogototheOlympicswithherpartner,Wyatt.However,WyattandAubreywerepracticingthoseliftsalittletoooften,andsheendedupholdingababyinsteadofagoldmedal.
That’swhyshe’sbeeninabadmoodsinceshestartedcoachingtwenty-fiveyearsago.
“ClairdeLune”fadesasAaronandIfinishourroutinenosetonose,ourchestsheavingagainsteachotheraswetrytocatchourbreath.Whenwefinallyhearasingleclap,wemoveapartandskatetowardwhatwillundoubtedlybethesourceofmynextheadache.
Ihaven’tevenstoppedmovingwhenhergreeneyeslockonmeandnarrow.“WhenareyougoingtolandyourLutz?Ifyou’renotgoingtodeliver,itneedstocomeoutofyourlongprogram.”
AsidefromBrady,successfullydoingaquadrupleLutzandnotlandingonmyassisthecurrentbaneofmyexistence.I’vebeenpracticingforGodknowshowlong,butIcan’tquitemanagetonailit.Aaroncanexecuteitflawlessly,whichiswhyIconvincedthechoreographertoputitintoourroutineinthefirstplace.
Prideisafoolishthing.It’sincrediblyfoolishwhenitcomestofigureskating,sincewhenyougetitwrong,youbounceyourfaceoffsolidice.I’dtakeface-plantingovertheannoying,fakedisappointedfaceAaronpullsanytimeit’ssuggestedwetakeitout.
“It’scoming,Coach,”Isaywithasmuchfakeenthusiasmaspossible.“I’mgettingthere;it’snotperfectyet,butI’llkeeppracticing.”
It’saminorlie,aharmlessone.Iamgettingthere.WhatI’vefailedtomentionisI’monlygettingthereofftheice,specificallywhenI’mattachedtoequipmentthathelpsmegetthere.
“She’sgettingthere,”Aaronlies,throwinganarmaroundmyshoulders.“Justabitlonger,AB.”
It’sniceforAarontobeonmysideandshowaunitedfronttoKGBAubrey.WhathesaysinprivateisthattheonlywayI’mgoingtopullitoffisifIstartdopingandbuildatimemachinetogetmyprepubertybodyback.
Shemutterssomethinginaudibleandwavesusoffflippantly.“I’llseeyoutwobackheretomorrow,andifyoucouldbothnotbehungover,thatwouldbegreat.I’mfairlycertaineatingIn-N-Outbeforetrainingisn’tgoingtogeteitherofyouontotheOlympicteam.Understood?”
Shit.“Yes,Coach,”wesayinharmony.
Aaronisstaringathisphone,waitingformeinthelobbywhenIfinallyexitthewomen’slockerroom.
“Ifuckingtoldyoushe’dknow.”Igroan,swingingmybagtowardhimassoonasI’mcloseenoughtohithiminthestomachwithit.“Ididn’tevenhaveanything!”
Hegruntsattheimpact,tuggingthebagfrommyhandsandflingingitoverhisshoulder.“Thewomanhasthenoseofabloodhound.”
Likemostthingsinlife,skatingisfareasierwhenyou’reamanbecausenobodyispickingyouupandlaunchingyouacrosstheroomtwiceaday.
Freshmanyear,Igainedthefreshmanfifteen.Well,itwasmorelikethefreshmanfive,butAaronsaidIwasgettingtooheavytolift,soIhaven’tputonanouncesince.
Itrytosticktomymealplanreligiously,withtheoddpartyhereandtheretokeepmelucid.Mybestfriend’stwenty-firstbirthdayyesterdaywastheperfectopportunitytoletloosealittle,evenifitdidmeanbravingBradywithahangover.
WeclimbintoAaron’snewG-Wagon,thelatestguiltgiftfromhisadulterousbutwealthyfather,andheadhome.AaronandIdecideditwouldbecooltolivetogether,withmybestfriend,Sabrina,at
theendoffreshmanyear.Ourschedulesaresimilar,andourlivesrevolvearoundskating,soitmadesense.
AarontakestheturnontoMapleAvenueandlooksoveratmewhileIrummagethroughmypurseformymostprizedpossession.“Whatdoestheplannersayyou’redoingtonight?”
Irollmyeyes,ignoringhisteasingtone.“Gettinglaid.”
“Ew,”hesays,thetipofhisnosewrinklingashegrimaces.“It’sbadenoughyouplanwhattimeyousleepandeat,butdoyouneedtoplanhavingsex?”
He’snotlyingaboutthesleepingandeatingthing,everyminuteofmylifeismeticulouslyscheduledinmytrustyplanner,whichmyfriendsfindequalpartshilariousandridiculous.Iwouldn’tnecessarilysayI’macontrolfreak,butI’mawomanwhoneedstobeincontrol.
There’sdefinitelyadifference.
Ishrug,suppressingtheurgetopointoutthatatleastI’mgettingsome,unlikehim.“RyanisabusyguyandI’mabusygirl.IwanttoseehimasmuchasIcanbeforebasketballseason.”
RyanRothwellissixfoot,sixinchesofpure,athleticperfection.UCMHpointguardandteamcaptain,he’sasseriousabouthissportasIam,whichmakesforaperfectno-strings-attachedsituation.TheaddedbenefitisRyisthesweetestguy,sowe’vebecomegreatfriendsthroughourmutuallybeneficialarrangement.
“Ican’tbelieveyou’restillfuckingaroundwithhim.He’slikedoubleyoursize,howdoeshenotcrushyou?No,wait.Idon’twanttoknow.”
“Iknowheis.”Igiggle,pinchinghischeeksuntilhebatsmeaway.“Sortathewholepoint.”
MostpeopleassumeAaronandIaremorethanpartners,butwe’remorelikesiblings.It’snotthatheisn’tgoodlooking,we’vejustneverhadanyromanticinterestineachother.
Aaronismuchtallerthanmeandleanlikeadancerwithhissculpted,muscularbody.Hisblackhairiskeptshort,andIswearhewearsmascarabecausehissky-blueeyesareframedwiththedarkest,jealousy-inducinglashes,contrastingprominentlyagainsthispaleskin.
“Iofficiallyknowtoomuchaboutyoursexlife,Anastasia.”
Aaroncan’tdecideifhelikesRyanornot.Sometimeshe’scoolwithhimandRyangetstoseetheAaronIsee—theonewho’sfuntobearound.You’dassumeRyanhadpersonallyruinedAaron’slifeorsomethingtherestofthetime.Aaroncanbesoabruptandharshthatit’sembarrassing.It’sunpredictable,butRyanbrushesitoffandtellsmenottoworryaboutit.
“IpromisetonottalkaboutitfortherestofthedrivehomeifyoupromisetogivemearidetoRyan’slater.”
Hecontemplatesforaminuteorso.“Okay,deal.”
***
Sabrinalooksupfromthesaladshe’sstabbingaggressivelywithherforkandhuffs.“I’mjustsaying,who’sdickisOliviaAbbottsuckingtogettheleadroleforthethirdyearinarow?”
Ican’thelpbutcringeatherharshwords,butIknowshedoesn’tmeanit.Shewasalreadyfeelingdelicatethismorningafterthecopiousamountsofalcoholweconsumedlastnightforherbirthday,sotodaywasn’tthebestdaytofindoutshedidn’tgetthepartshewanted.
I’vewatchedeveryshowforthepasttwoyears,andBrinknowsaswellasIdo,Oliviaisanexceptionallytalentedactor.
“Canshenotjustbeverytalented?Andnotbesuckingsomeone’sdick?”
“Anastasia,willyoupleaseletmebepettyforfiveminutesandpretendIdon’tknowshe’sbetterthanme?”
Aaronthrowshimselfintothechairbesidemeandreachesovertopickacarrotstickfrommyplate.“What’rewebeingpettyabout?”
“OliviaAbbott,”BrinandIrespondinunison,thedistasteinhertoneevidentashell.
“She’shot.Mightbethehottestgirloncampus,”hesaysnonchalantly,clearlynotpayingattentiontohowSabrina’sjawdrops.“Isshesingle?”
“YaAllahHowamIsupposedtofreakingknow?Shedoesn’ttalktoanyone.Sheswansin,getstheroleIwant,andcarriesonbeingananomaly.”
Sabrinastudiesperformingarts,anditmustbeanunwrittenrulethatyouhavetohavealarger-than-lifepersonality,becauseeveryoneI’vemetonhercourseislikeher.It’susuallyanexhaustingbattleforattention,evenasaspectator,butOliviakeepstoherself,andforsomereason,itseemstobotherpeople.
“I’msorry,Brinny.There’salwaysnexttime,”Ioffer.Webothknowitdoesn’tmeananything,butsheblowsmeakissanyway.“Ifitmakesyoufeelanybetter—Istillcan’tlandmyLutz.AubreyisgoingtoworkitoutsoonandbanishmetoSiberia.”
“Ohno.You’reofficiallyafailure,howcanyoueverstepfootontheiceagain?”Shegrins,herhoney-browneyesshiningasIscowlather.“You’llgetthere,babe.You’reworkinghard.”HereyesmovetoAaron,tappingawayonhisphone,totallyuninterestedinourconversation.“Hey,IcePrincess!Yougonnahelpmeouthere?”
“Huh?Sorry,yeah,you’rehot,too,Brinny.”
I’msurprisedIdon’tseethesteamleaveSabrina’searsassheyellsathim,aboutwhatIassumeishimnotlisteningtoher,inamixtureofArabicandEnglish.
Islowlyretreattomybedroom,eagertonotdrawattentiontomyselfandgetcaughtinthecrossfireofmyroommates’argument.LivingwithAaronandSabrinaislikelivingwithsiblingswhoalwayswantedtobeonlychildren.
Aaron,likeme,isanactualonlychild.Themiraclebabytohistwoaging,midwesternparentsdesperatetokeeptheirmarriagetogether.Livingwithotherpeopleafterbeinghisparents’prideandjoyforeighteenyearswasabigtransitionforhim,andforus,whoaretheoneswhohavetolivewithhimandhismoodswings.
Nowhe’snotinChicago,thingsbetweenhisparentsaren’tgreat,andwealwaysknowwhenthey’reextrabadbecauseAarongetsanobnoxiouslyexpensiveandunnecessarygift.
LikeaG-Wagon.
Incontrasttothetwoofus,Sabrinaisfromahugefamily.Beingtheyoungestandtheonlygirlwithsevenolderbrothersguaranteedherthenumberonespotinherhouse.Afterbeingconstantlyshoweredwithattention,shetraveledsofarfromhernativeBrooklynforsomepeace.
Whenwemetforthefirsttime,shesaidshe’dconsideredgoingtocollegeinAlgeria,whereherparentsarefrom,butshechangedhermindquicklywhenafewofherbrotherssuggestedmovingwithher.
Shealsorealizedtherewouldn’tbefratparties.
I’mstillhidingoutinmyroomwhenmyphonebuzzes,andRyan’snameflashesonmyscreen.
RYAN
RYAN:Theboyswannathrowapartytonight.Yourplaceinstead?
RYAN:Theyweresupposedtobegoingtoapeprallyorsomeshit,butnowthey’restayinghome.
RYAN:Justwannabealonewyou.
STASSIE:Sure,roommatesareinthough.
STASSIE:Willhavetobequiet.
RYAN:Ha
RYAN:Shouldprobablygiveyourselfthatinstructioninamirror.
RYAN:Youfreenow?
STASSIE:Yeah,comeover.
RYAN:Omw.Bringingsnacks.
“Everyonefriendsagain?”IcalloutcautiouslyasImakemywayfrommybedroomtothelivingroom.They’rebothfixatedontheCriminalMindsrerunontheTV,butIgetafaint“Yeah”inresponse,lettingmeknowit’ssafetoapproach.
Ileanoverthecouchforahandfulofpopcornfromthebowlrestingbetweenthem,makingamentalnotetoaddittomyfoodtrackerwhenIgetbacktomyroom.“So,thebasketballteamishavingaparty.Iwaswondering—”
“Ifwewillgowithyou?”Aaroninterrupts,soundinguncharacteristicallyhopeful.
“No?”
Sabrinaspinstofaceme,herchestnutbrowncurlsbouncingaroundhershouldersanddelightwrittenalloverherface.“IfwemindthatRyanwantstocomehere?”
“Yeah.Howdidyo—”
“Coughup,Carlisle.”Shelaughs,holdingoutherhand.Hepressesafewtwentiesintoherpalm,mutteringsomethingunderhisbreathasshecountsthemout.“Weheardabouttheparty,andIdidn’tthinkyou’dwannagetrailedwithdrunkfreshmenmakingoutontheothersideofthedoor.We’regoingtowalkthere.”
OurhomeisoneofAaron’sdad’sbetterforgivemepresents.Itwaseitherafterhisaffairwithhissecretaryorbeforehedecidedtohavesexwiththeinteriordesigner.MapleTowerisabeautifulcondoblockontheedgeofcampus,andourplacehasagreatviewandtonsofnaturallight.
Thebuildingisn’texclusivetostudents,soit’sapeacefulplacetolive,butit’scloseenoughtoeveryoneelsethatstumblinghomefrompartiesiseasy.
AaronandIaren’tsupposedtobeatparties,butwhatAubreydoesn’tknowwon’thurther.
***
I’vealreadywatchedSabrinatryontendifferentoutfitswhenRyantextstoletmeknowhe’sfinallyonhiswayup,givingmeanexcusetoleaveherandhertenalmostidenticalblackdresses.
ThebutterfliesIgetwhenthereisaknockatthedoorandIknowRyanisontheothersideofitwerestrangetomeatfirst,butnowit’scute.
He’spracticallyfillingthedoorwaywhenIopenthedoortolethimin.Hismessyblondhairisstilldamp,andhesmellsstronglyoforangeandsomethingIcan’tquiteputmyfingeron,whichisnowweirdlycomfortingtome.Hisheaddipstomine,andhislipspressagainstmycheeklightly.“Hello,beautiful.”
Hehandsmethebagofsnackshealwaysinsistsonbringingbecauseapparently,Idon’teatenough,andIdon’thaveanythinggoodtoeatwhenhe’shere.RyaneatsmorethananypersonIknow,andhisversionofgoodisloadedwithsugar.
Forsomereason,AaronandBrinarewatchingusfromthelivingroomlikethey’veneverseenotherhumanbeingsbefore.Ryanlaughswhenhespotsthem;fortunately,he’susedtotheiranticsbynow,andheoffersthemaquiet“Hello”asIleadhiminthedirectionofmybedroom.
“Hey,Rothwell?”Sabrinashoutsaswereachmydoor.
Heletsgoofmyhand,turningaroundtofaceher.“Yeah?”
She’sleaningoverthebackofthecouch,andIknowfromthemischievouslookonherfaceIdon’twanttohearwhatevershehastosay.
“SincemybedroomisnexttoStassie’sandI’mgoingtobelisteningtoyourgruntingandballsslappingallnight,”myeyeswidenasfarastheycangofrombehindhim,“canIhavethecodeforyourroom,soIdon’thavetofightforthesharedbathroomatthepartyatyourplace?”
Campushousinghaselectronicallycodedlocksonbedroomdoorsforsecurity.Ryan’sroomhasaprivatebathroom,soBrin’srequestisagoodideasincethebathroomlinegetsridiculousthedrunkerpeopleget.
It’sherdeliverythat’sgoingtorequiresomeseriouswork.
“Sure,I’lltextittoyou.Nosnooping,Allali.I’llknowifyouhave.”
Sheholdsupapeacesign.“Scoutshonor.Enjoyallthesex.”
“Jesus,Brin.”IgroanloudenoughforhertohearasIdragRyanintomyroomawayfromher.“I’msosorry.”
“Ilikeher.She’sfunny.”Hechuckles,takingmyfacebetweenhishandsandtiltingmyheadupsohecankissme.
It’ssoftatfirst,thenmoreurgentashistonguemovesagainstmine.Hishandstraveldownmybodygentlyuntiltheyreachmythighs,scoopingmeupinonequickmotion.Mylegsautomaticallywraparoundhiswaist,mybodyfamiliarwithhisafterdoingthissomanytimes.
There’sbangingoutsideofmyroom,whichIthinkismyroommatesleaving,buteveryhotkissRyanplacesonmyneckstealsmyattentionaway.Ishouldcheckifitisthemgoing,butitsuddenlyplummetstothebottomofthingsonmymindwhenRyanlowersmetothebedandclimbsontopofme.
“Howwasyourday?”hemumblesbeneathmyear.
Healwaysdoesthis.Hekissesmeperfectly,positionshisbodybetweenmylegs,appliesenoughpressuretohavemesquirm,scramblesthethoughtsinmyhead,andthenasksmesomethingmundanelikehowmydaywas.
ThesecondItrytoformulatearesponse,hisfingersjourneybeneathmyT-shirt,andhetracesthecurveofmyjawwithhisnose.Everyinchofmyskinfeelslikeit’sbuzzing,andhehasn’tevendoneanythingyet.“Itwas,uh,uhm,fine,I,mhmm,skated…”
Hisbodyrocksashelaughs.“Youmhmmskated?Soundsinteresting.Whydon’tyoutellmemore,Allen?”
Ihatehim.Ireally,reallyhatehim.
IincoherentlymumblesomethingabouticeandRussiansashestripsusofourclothesuntilwe’rebothinourunderwear.Ryan’sbodywouldmakeaGreekgodweep;tannedskinfromhissummerhomeinMiami,andatorsowithmoreabsthanIcancount.
ForgetaGreekgod,itmakesmewanttoweep.
Grippingmypantiesoneachhip,hewaitsuntilInodbeforeslowlypullingthemdownmylegs,throwingthembehindhim,andspreadingmylegswide.
“Stas.”
“Yeah?”
Hisforeheadcreases.“CanSabrinareallyhearmyballs?”TWO|NATHAN
There’sahandnearmydickthatisn’tmine.
She’sfastasleep,snoringloudlywithherhandwrappedaroundmywaistandtuckedintothebandofmyboxers.Igentlyuntuckandexamineit—longfakenails,Cartierrings,andaRolexstrappedtoherslenderwrist.
Whothefuckisit?
EvenafteranightofGodknowswhat,shestillsmellsexpensive,andtherearestrandsoflong,golden-blondhairdrapedovermyshoulderfromwhereshe’slyingbehindme.
Ishouldn’thavegonetothepartylastnight,butBenjiHarding,andtherestofthebasketballguys,arepersuasivelittleshits.AsmuchasIlovethrowingaparty,nothingbeatsgoingsomewhereelseandcominghometoaquiethousenotfullofotherpeople’smess.
Unlessyou’retalkingaboutthiskindofmess.Thekindwherethere’sawomaninyourbed,andyoucan’trememberwhothehellitis.
Thecommon-sensepartofmybraintellsmetorolloverandlookather,butanotherpartthatremembersallthesillysituationswe’vegottenourselvesintokeepsremindingmethatdrunkNateisadick.
Thatpartofmybrainhasrealconcernsthisisgoingtobesomeone’ssister,orworse,someone’smom.
“Canyoustopmovingabout?”themysteryguestsnaps.“Whatisitwithfuckingsportsguysandearlymornings?”
Thatvoice.It’soneIwishIdidn’trecognize.
Ohfuck.
IslowlyrolloversoIcanconfirmmyownworstfear:thatIdidhavesexwithKittyVincentlastnight.
AndIdo.
Shelookspeacefulwhenshe’stryingtosleep;herfacialfeaturesaresoftanddelicate,lipsblushandpursed.Fromhowcalmshelooksrightnow,youwouldn’tknowshe’sanabsoluteragingbit—
“Whyareyoustaringatme,Nate?”Hereyesflyopen,andshedisintegratesmewithonelook,likethefuckingdragonsheis.
KittyVincentiseverythingwrongwithrichgirlswithDaddy’screditcard,asubspeciesofwomenatUCMHIhappentobeanexperton.ExpertiseI’vegainedfromhavingsexwithpracticallyallofthem.
Exceptforthisone.
Iwasneversupposedtodoitwiththisone.
There’snothingwrongwithhervisually.Tobefrank,she’sanabsoluteknockout.She’sjustanabsolutelyterriblehumanbeing.
“Areyouokay?”Iaskcarefully.“Doyouneedanything?”
“Ineedyoutostopstaringatmelikeyou’veneverseenanakedwomaninyourbedbefore,”shesnipesback,pushingherbodytoleanagainsttheheadboard.“Webothknowyouhave,andyou’recreepingmeout.”
“I’mshocked,Kit.I,uh,don’trememberhowthishappened…”
IrememberbeingatthepartyandtryingtogetSummerCastillo-Westtogivemehernumber,buttragicallybeingrejectedforthefourthSeptemberinarow.IalsorememberplayingbeerpongwithDannyAdelekeandlosing,whichI’drathernotremember,butIstilldon’trememberhowthishappened.
“Ohshit.Wait,aren’tyoudatingDanny?”
Sherollsherblueeyesandreachesforherpursesittingonthetablebesidemybed,cursingwhenshefindsherphonebatteryisdead.Brushingherhairfromherface,shefinallylooksoveratme,andIhaveneverknownawomantolooksoirritatedbymyexistence.“Webrokeup.”
“Right,right.Thatsucks,I’msorry.Whathappened?”
I’mtryingtobepolite,agracioushost,somewouldsay,butsheraisesoneofherperfectlysculptedeyebrowsatmeandfrowns.“Whydoyougiveafuck?”
IrubmyjawnervouslywithmypalmasIattempttothinkofareasontogiveher.She’sright.Idon’tcare,Ihatecheatersandpanicked,butsincetheybrokeup,Idon’thaveanythingtoworryabout.“Onlytryingtobenice.”
ShegivesmethefakestsmileI’veeverseen,swingsherlegsoffthebed,andstrutsbutt-assnakedtowardmybathroom.It’shardtoconcentrateonhowgoodshelooksbecause,withonelast
disinterestedlookoverhershoulder,shescowlsatme.“Ifyouwanttobenice,getmeanUber.”
ThankGod.“Sure.”
“Execonly,Nate.It’sbadenoughI’mgoingtobeseenleavinghere.Don’tmakemesufferfurtherbybeingcheap.”
WhenthebathroomdoorslamsshutandIheartheshowerturnon,Iknowit’ssafetoscreameverycursewordIknowintomypillow.
***
I’mstandingatthefrontdoorwatchingKittyclimbintoherUber,Execobviously,becauseofallthepotentialshame.
Rakingahandthroughmyhair,Ican’tdecipherhowIendeduphereafterswearingthisyearwouldbedifferent.
IdistinctlyremembersayingtoRobbie,mybestfriend,onourdrivebacktoCaliforniafromColorado,thatsenioryearwasgoingtobedifferent.Imusthavesaiditatleasttwentytimesonourtwo-daycoffee-fueledjourney.
Ilastedthreeweeks.
I’mquicklydraggedfromthepitypartyI’mthrowingformyselfbythesoundofmutteringbehindme.Robbieandmyotherroommates,JJandHenry,areallsittinginourlivingroomsippingtheirmugsofcoffeelikethecastofTheView
“Well,well,well,”Robbiesayssmugly.“Whathappenedhere,youlittlehoe?”
Robbiehasbeenpersonallyterrorizingmesincewewerefiveyearsold.Robbie’sdad,whoIstillcallMr.Hsixteenyearslater,wasthecoachofourlocalicehockeyteambackinEagleCounty,wherewegrewup.That’swherewemetandbecamefriends,andhe’sbeenapaininmyasseversince.
Iignorehimandheadstraightpasttheirpryingeyestothekitchen,pouringamugofcoffeeandgivinghimthefingerinsteadofthesatisfactionofaresponse.
Gulpingdownmycoffeeinwhatfeelsliketwoseconds,Icanstillsensetheireyesonme.Thisistheworstpartoflivingwithyourteammates—nothingisasecret.
JJ,Robbie,andIareallseniorswhohavelivedtogethersincewesharedadormfreshmanyear,butHenryisasophomorefromtheteamwhomovedinatthestartofterm.
Theguyisincredibleathockeybuthasabittogowiththewholesocialpressuresidethatcomeswithbeingonasportsteam.Hehatedlivingindormsandstruggledtomakefriendsoutsidetheteam,soweofferedtolethimmoveinhere.
We’vealwayshadasparebedroombecauseourgaragewasconvertedintoawheelchair-accessiblebedroomforRobbie,andHenrywasmorethangratefulfortheoffer.
Eveninthethreeshortweekshe’sbeenhere,wecanalreadyseehimmoreconfident—whichisprobablywhyhenolongerhasaproblemhelpingJJandRobbiegivemeabuse.
“WhydidyouhavesexwithKittyVincent?”Henryasksovertherimofhiscoffeemug.“Sheisn’tverynice.”
Ohyeah,andthekidhaszerofilter.
“I’mgoingtopretendIdidn’t,buddy.Shewasn’tveryexcitedaboutit,either,andIdon’trememberonesecondofit,soitdoesn’tcount.”Ishrug,walkingovertothelivingroomandthrowingmyselfintoarecliner.“Howthefuckdidyouthreeletthishappen?”
AmIoldenoughtonotpassofftheblameformymistake?Sure.Willitstopmefromtrying?No.
“Itriedtostopyoufromleavingwithher,bro,”JJblatantlylies,holdinguphishandsdefensively.“Yousaidshesmelledniceandherassfeltgood.WhoamItostandbetweenyouandtruelove?”
Igroanloudly,makingmyownheadthumpfromthenoise.IfJaidenclaimshetriedtostopmefromleaving,heprobablyrequestedtheUberandputmeinitwithKitty.
JJisanonlychildfrommiddle-of-nowhereNebraska,somessingwiththepeoplearoundhimwashisonlysourceofentertainmentwhenhewasgrowingup.
HisparentsalwaysvisitinJunesotheycanjointherestofusatLAPridewithJJ,proudlywearingtheirpansexualflagallypins.Thetimetheyspendatourhousehasallowedmetogettoknowthemwell,whichishowIknowJJ’sdadisexactlythesame,tothepointIdon’tknowhowhismomcopedwithhavingtwooftheminthehouse.
Mrs.Johalisanamazingwomanwiththepatienceofasaint.Shealwaysmakessureshefillsourrefrigeratorfullofdifferentcurriesandsidesbeforetheyleave,andshehasamazingtasteinhorrorfilms,whichmightbewhyIlovehersomuch.
ShemightbetheonlyreasonIhaven’tmurderedJaidenyet.
RobbiemaneuversbesidemeandwrapswhatIthinkissupposedtobeacomfortingarmaroundmyshoulders.“YourfocusonschoolandhockeylastedlongerthanIwasexpecting.Nowcomeon,sortyourshitout.Youhavetodriveustoclass.”
***
IhadnoideawhatIwantedtostudywhenIgotacceptedbyMapleHills.I’mgraduatinginlessthanayearandI’mstillnotsurestudyingsportsmedicinewastherightchoice.
IwasdraftedtotheVancouverViperswhenIfinishedhighschoolanditwasahardchoicetoputmyeducationfirst,especiallywhenjoiningtheNHLhasbeenmydreamsinceIwasakid.AllIwanttodoisplay,butIknowshitgoeswronginhockeyallthetime;onebadinjuryoroneunavoidableaccidentandyourcareerisover.
EvenwithaspotonmydreamteamwaitingformeassoonasIgraduate,IstillwishsomethingI’velearnedinthepastthreeyearshadstayedinmybrainsomybackupplanfeltworthit.
Mydadwasn’tafanofmeheadingoutofstateforcollege,andhewasevenlessofafanaboutmesigningwithahockeyteam,nevermindoneinCanada.Hewantedmetolearnthefamilybusiness
andruntheskiresortsuntilI’moldandgraylikehim.Theideaofturningintomyfatherhasalwaysbeenenoughtokickmyassintogearandgetmygoals.
I’dhavebetterluckunderstandingcellstructuresifIwasn’tconstantlyexhaustedfrompractice,nottomentionkeepingmyclownteammatesoutoftrouble.WhenGregLewinskigraduatedandhandedthecaptaintorchtomelastyear,hedidn’tpreparemeforhowmuchbabysittingittakestokeepbuttsonbenchesreadytoplay.
Robbiehelpsmeoutsincehe’sassistanttoCoachFaulkner.Afteraskiingaccidentinourjunioryearofhighschool,Robbiedidn’tregainmovementinhislegsandnowusesawheelchair.Hetransferredhisskillofshoutingshitatmeontheicetoshoutingshitatmefromtheedgeoftheice.
Helovesnothingmorethanwavinghisoversizedclipboardinmydirectionandtellingmetodobetter.TheguysontheteamlovethatItakethebruntofRobbie’sabusebecauseitgivestherestofthemaneasiertime.
Aperfectexampleisdaysliketoday.OnFridays,JJandIhaveclassesinthesciencebuilding,sowehaveatraditionofdraggingourselvesovertotherinkforpracticeviaaDunkin’forapre-workoutdoughnut.
It’sourlittlesecret,butJJknowsifwegetcaught,I’llgettheblameanyway,sohedoesn’tmindtherisk.ThelastclassofthedayonaFridayismyleastfavoritethingintheworld,soIdon’tmindtheriskeither.
I’mlazilyscrollingthroughmyfeed,waitingforJJoutsidehislabwhenIhearhischeerytonegettinglouderasheapproachesme.“Youreadytogetyourhungoverasskicked?”
“Nothingarainbowsprinkleringcan’tsolve.Sweatingoutalcoholisgoodanyway.Willgetmefreshfortonight.”
Hisbrowsfurrowtogether.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Haveyounotseenthegroupchat?”
ThelastthingIsawwasRobbiedecidingwewerethrowingapartytonight.Ourfirstgameisn’tforanothertwoweeksandit’straditionforustobringintheseasonwithapartyorfive.
ThesecondIpulloutmyphoneIcanseethemessagesIhaven’treadyet.
PUCKBUNNIES
BOBBYHUGHES:Mightbedying.
KRISHUDSON:Godspeed,buddy.
ROBBIEHAMLET:Drinksatourstonight?
BOBBYHUGHES:InthewordsofMichaelScott,Iamreadytogethurtagain.
JOECARTER:I’llbringthetequilarouletteboard.
HENRYTURNER:EmailfromFaulknersaysgototheawardsroom,nottherink.
JAIDENJOHAL:Wtf?
HENRYTURNER:Sentanhourago.
Theawardsroomisafunctionroominthecentralareaofthesportsbuilding.Mostofusdon’tspendmuchtimeoverthereunlesswe’reintrouble;it’swherethecoachesworkoutsideofpracticeandgames.It’swhereceremoniesareheldattheendoftheyear.Ifwe’rebeingcalledthereitmeanssomeonehasmassivelyfuckedup,andIhopeitwasn’tme.
“Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingon,”JJsaysasweclimbintomycar.“Y’knowJoshMooney,thebaseballguyinmyclass?Hesaidtheirpracticehasbeencanceledtoo.Theyhavetogototheawardsroom,butthey’vebeentoldtogothirtyminutesafterus.Fuckingweird,man.”
It’sthethirdweekofterm,howmuchtroublecouldwebein?
***
We’reinsomuchfuckingtrouble.
Whenwewalkthroughthedoor,Coachdoesn’tevenlookinourdirection.Halftheteamisalreadysittinginfrontofhim,eachwearinganidenticallookIrecognize:fear.JJtakesaseatnexttoHenryandgivesmealookthatsaysFindout,Captain.
NeilFaulknerisnotamanyouwanttogetonthewrongsideof.Three-timeStanleyCupwinnerbeforeadrunkdriverknockedhimofftheroad,shatteringhisarmsandrightleg,instantlyendinghisNHLcareer.I’vewatchedhisoldgametapescountlesstimes,andhewas—no,stillis—onescarymotherfucker
So,thefacthe’ssittingonachairinfrontoftheteam,redfacedlikehe’sgoingtoimplodebutsayingnothing,istriggeringmyfightorflight.Butmyteamneedsme,soIreluctantlypokethebear.
“Coach,wewe—”
“Getyourassonaseat,Hawkins.”
“W—”
“I’mnotgoingtotellyouagain.”
Stumblingbacktomyteammateswithmytailbetweenmylegs,theylookevenworsenowthantheydidaminuteago.I’mrackingmybrain,tryingtothinkwhatwecouldhavedonebecausethereisnowayhe’sangryoverthehousepartywewenttolastnight.
ApartfromHenry,mostoftheunderclassmenweren’tthere.They’renotoldenoughtodrink,sowedon’tinvitethemtopartieswithus.Nottosaythey’renotalloutgettingwastedonfratrowinstead,butatleastI’mnottheoneputtingthebeerintheirhandswhenI’msupposedtobetheirresponsibleleader.
WhenJoeandBobbyfinallyarriveandsit,Coachfinallymakesamove,well,ahuff,butatleastit’ssomething.
“Inmyeighteenyearsatthisschool,IhaveneverbeenasashamedasIwasthismorning.”
Fuck
“BeforeIgoon,doesanyonehaveanythingtosay?”
He’slookingateachofuslikehe’swaitingforsomeonetostandandconfess,butIgenuinelydon’tknowwhatwe’resupposedtoconfessto.I’vehadtheI’veneverbeensoashamedspeechsomanytimessinceIjoinedtheteam—it’saFaulknerspecial—butI’veneverseenhimlookthisangry.
Foldinghisarmsacrosshischest,heleansbackinhischairandshakeshishead.“Thismorning,whenIarrivedattherink,Ifounditdestroyed.So,whohasbeencausingtrouble?”
Collegesportsarefulloftraditions.Somegood,somebad,buttraditionsallthesame.MapleHillsisnodifferent,andeachsporthasitsownquirksandsuperstitionsthatgetpasseddownfromyeartoyear.
Oursarepranks.Reckless,childishpranks.Againsteachother,againstotherteams,againstothersports.I’vebeeninenoughoftheseFaulknerverbalbeatingsovertheyearstoknowIwasn’tlettingithappenduringmytimeascaptain.Egotisticalguyswerefightingtooutdoeachother,andeventhemselves,untilitgottothepointtheschoolwasbeingforcedtogetinvolved.
So,ifourarenahasbeentrashed,itmeanssomeonehasn’tbeenlisteningtome.
Icreepforwardslightlytogetabetterviewofmyteammates,andittakesapproximately0.2secondstospotRuss,asophomorewho’sbeenplayingwithusforthelastyear,andrightnowlookslikehe’sseenaghost.
Faulkner’svoicegetsloudertothepointit’sechoingaroundtheroom.“Thedirectorisfurious!Thedeanisfurious!I’mfuckingfurious!Ithoughtwe’ddrawnalineunderthisprankbullshit?You’resupposedtobemen!Notkids.”
Iwanttosaysomething,butmymouthisdryashell.Iclearmythroat,whichdoesnothingtohelp,butmanagestocapturehisattention.Takingasipofwater,Ifinallymanagetospeak.“Wehavedrawnaline,Coach.Wehaven’tdoneanything.”
“So,someonespontaneouslydecidedtosmashthegeneratorandcoolingsystem?Myrinkisonitswaytobeingaswimmingpool,andyouexpectmetobelieveyouclownshavenothingtodowithit?”
Thisisreally,reallybad.
“Thedirectorisholdingameetingwitheverystudentathleteinfiveminutes.Buckleup,gentleman.Ihopenoneofyouwanttomakehockeyyourcareer.”
HaveIsaidfuck?THREE|ANASTASIA
Myplannerisintotal,irreparablechaosandI’mirritatedashell.
ThisistheoppositeoftheFridayfeelingpeoplesofamouslylove.Todaywasgoingtobeaproblem-freeday;Iwokeupunderabeautifulman,andtherestofmydaywasplannedtoperfection.Gym,college,trainingwithAaron,dinner,andfinally,dancinguntilmyfeethurtatwhicheverpartysoundedthemostfun.
IevenhadtheoptiontoseeRyanagainandconcentrateonscratchingthosemutualitcheswhilehe’sstillgottime.
Butaccordingtotheverypassive-aggressiveemailIreceived,DavidSkinner,MapleHillsDirectorofSport,doesn’tgiveaflyingfuckaboutmyplannerormytrainingschedule,andhecertainlydoesn’tgiveafuckaboutmysexlife.
Whyelsewouldheuniversallycanceltraininganddrageverystudentathletetotheworstcornerofcampus?
Thisbuildingiswhereallthecoacheslurkandplothowtomakeusallmiserable.WhenIpostedapicturethismorningthatsaidjustenjoywhereyouarenow,Ididn’trealizewhereIwasgoingtobewasahugelineofstudentstryingtogetintotheawardsroom.
I’mlostinangry,borderlinemurderousthoughtswhentwomusculararmswraparoundmywaistfrombehind,andIfeellipspressgentlyagainstthecrownofmyhead.Instantlyknowingit’sRyan,Isettleintohisembraceandtiltmyheadbacktolookathim.Hemovestopeckakisstomyforehead,andsure,Imightfeelalittlebetter.“Hey,beautifulgirl.”
“I’mstressed,”Igrumble,lookingaheadtowatchthelineshufflealong.“Andyou’recuttinginline.You’regoingtogetintotrouble.”
Grippingmyshoulders,hespinsmearoundtofacehim.Hislongfingernudgingundermychin,tiltingmyheaduptomeethisgiganticheight.WhenIthinkhecan’tbeanyfreakingcuter,hebrushesmyhairfrommyfaceandsmilesatme.“Youcontroltheplanner,Stas.Theplannerdoesn’tcontrolyou.”
“You’restillcuttinginline.”
Hechuckles,shrugging.“Youwereholdingmyspotforme.That’swhatItoldeveryoneIpushedpast.Comeon,whatsickeninglymotivationalquotedidyouposttoday?Doweneedtorevisitit?”
RyanandIstartedhookinguplastyearwhenwemetatapartyandwerebeerpongpartners.Naturally,wewonbecausewe’rethemoststubbornandcompetitivepeoplewithinahundred-mileradiusofMapleHills.ThenextdayheslidintomyDMs,jokinghewasn’texpectingtofindsomeonewhoplaysdrinkinggamessoaggressivelypreachingaboutpositivevibesonlyontheirsocialmediapages.
Sincethen,wheneverI’mgrumpyorfedup,heremindsmeI’msupposedtobearayofsunshine.
Dick
“Well?”heasks,guidingmealongaswegetclosertotheentrance.
“Itwasaboutstoppingtoenjoythemomentyou’rein.”
Hissmilewidenswhenherealizeshe’sgotme.“Okay,yeah,Icanworkwiththat.Itsuckspracticewascanceled,but,ifyouenjoythemoment,you’rehangingoutwithmeandI’mgreat.”
Foldingmyarmsacrossmychest,Itrymyhardesttostopthesmiletryingtobreakthrough,continuingtopretendhe’snothavingablindbitofimpactonmymood.“Hmm.”
“Toughcrowd,jeez.Assoonaswegetoutofhere,I’lltakeyouforfood,andlater,there’sahockeypartywecanhittoletyoublowoffallyourstress-yenergy.”
“Whatelse?”Ilethimspinmebackaroundnowwe’reonlyafewpeopleawayfromfinallygettingintotheroom,andhishandsstayonmyshoulders.
“I’lltakeyouhomeandletyoutakeoutanyremainingstressonmybody?”
“Withabat?”
Hisfingerssinkintomytensemuscles,rhythmicallyworkingouteveryknotasIrollmyheadsidetoside.“Kinky.WillyoudressupasHarleyQuinntoo?”
Hegruntsloudlyasmyelbowsinksintohisribs,whichisridiculouslydramatic,becausemyelbowisdefinitelyhurtingmore.
Afterwhatfeelslikealifetimeofwaiting,wefinallymakeitthroughtheentrancetotheawardsroom.Insteadofnormalroundtables,theroomhasrowuponrowofchairsallfacingthestage.
Whatthehellisgoingon?
Ignoringmyimmediateconcern,RyaninsistsIenjoythemoment,whichroughlytranslatestomebeingforcedtositwiththebasketballteam.SonowI’mwedgedbetweenRyanandMasonWright,histeammate,whomakemyrespectablefive-foot-four-inchbodylooklikeoneofanovergrowntoddler.
“Chip?”
IstruggletolookatthebagofLaysbeingshovedundermynose,buttheysmelllikebarbequeflavor,whichRyanknowsismyfavorite.“I’mgood,thanks.”
Heleansforwardtodiginthebagathisfeet,rustlingloudly,notcaringpeoplearestaringatus.Throwinghimselfbackintohisseatwithahuff,heholdsoutapacket.“Cookie?”
“No,thankyou.I’mnothungry.”I’mtryingnottodrawattentiontousagain,butit’shardtoignorethelookofdisappointmentonhisface.“Don’tlookatmelikethat.Regionalsarerightaroundthecorner;Ican’tgainweight.”
Ryanslouchesinhisseatsoourheadsarelevel,andheleansintogiveusmoreprivacy.Hisbreathdancesacrossmyskinashislipshoverbeneathmyear,sendingawaveofgoosebumpsacrossmyentirebody.
“Assomeonewhothrowsyouaroundquitealot,IfeellikeI’mqualifiedtosaythis:ifthatjackassisn’tabletocopeifyourweightfluctuatesafewpounds,whichisperfectlynormalbytheway,heshouldn’tbeyourpartner.”
“We’renothavingthisconversationagain,Ryan.”
“Sta—”hestarts,cuttinghimselfoffwhenDirectorSkinnerfinallystrollsontothestage,squintingunderthespotlights.Ryansitsbackupstraightandrestshishandonmythigh,squeezingsoftly.“Maybewewillneedabatlater.”
Thehigh-pitchedsquealofthemicrophoneturningonechoesaroundtheroom,causingeveryonetowince.Skinnerhastakenhisplacebehindthepodiumbuthasn’tmanagedtoforceasmileyet.
He’sagedalotinthetimeI’vestudiedatUCMH.Hepreviouslylookedapproachableandeager,butnow,withthedisdainhe’ssportingdeepeningthelinesonhisforehead,helooksanythingbut.
“Goodafternoon,everyone.Thankyoufortakingthetimetocomehereonsuchshortnotice.I’msureyou’reallwonderingwhyyou’rehere.”
Idon’tknowwhyhe’spretendingliketheemaildidn’thavethewordcompulsoryinbold,capitalletters.
Skinnershrugsoffhissuitjacket,hangingitoverthechairbehindhim,sighingasheturnstofaceusallagain.Hedragsahandoverhisthinning,grayhair,whichIswearwasthickandblackwhenIwasafreshman.
“There’sacertainexpectationwhendealingwithcollegestudents.It’sagiventherewillbesomelevelofchaosasyoubeginyourlivesasadultsawayfromhome.”Hesighsagain,hisexhaustionclear.“Whenyouaddcompetitivesportintothemix,thebalancechangesasyoutrytomanageyourskillagainsttheauthenticcollegeexperience.”
Well,thisispatronizing.Itfeelslikehemadehissecretarywritethislittlespeech,andhepracticeditinthemirrorafewtimes.IfBrinwerehere,she’dbehighlycriticalofhisperformance.
“Someofyouhavebeenenjoyingthecollegeexperiencealittletoomuch.”
Here.We.Go.
“InthefiveyearsI’vebeenDirectorofSport,Ihavedealtwithcountlessavoidablesituations.Outofcontrolparties,medicalexpensesduetostudentsbehavingrecklesslyoncampus,morepranksthanIcancount,unplannedpregnancy,an—”
ThenoiseofMichaelFletcher’schairscrapingacrossthefloorringsoutashespringstohisfeet.
“Mr.Fletcher,pleasetakeaseat.”
Fletchignoreshim,bendingtograbhisbagfromthefloorinstead.Hestompstowardtheexit,pushingbothdoorsopenforcefullyandleavingtheroom.
Idon’tknowalotaboutfootball,buteveryonesaysFletchisthebestlinebackerthiscollegehaseverseenandispracticallyguaranteedaspotintheNFLwhenhegraduates.
Moreimportantly,he’sanincrediblyproudfathertohislittlegirlDiya,whohehadwithhisgirlfriend,Prishi,lastyear.
Prishiwasontheskateteamwithmebeforesheaccidentallyfellpregnantatthestartofherjunioryear.WhenIaskedherifshe’dbereturning,shesaidherbladderisn’twhatitusedtobeafterpushingoutanine-poundbaby,andshedidn’tfancypeeingontheiceinfrontofanaudience.
Theylivetogetherwiththeirfriends,andeveryonetakesturnslookingafterthebabytoallowFletchandPrishitogotoclass.ThefactSkinnerisusingthemasanexampleinhisdelinquentstudent–bashingexerciseisshittyofhim.
Twentyminutespassandhe’sstillgoing.IrestmyheadagainstRyan’sshoulderandclosemyeyes,acceptingthecookiehesneaksintothepalmofmyhand.
“…Tosummarize.”
Finally
“Goingforward,therewillbeazero-toleranceapproachtomisappropriationofyourstatusonthiscampus.”
IfeellikeI’mmissingahugepartofthepuzzleherebecause—despitehislong-ass,still-not-overspeech—Ihavezeroideawhatpromptedthisrudeinterruptiontomyschedule.
“Fortheseniorshopingtojoinprofessionalteamsattheendofthisschoolyear,itwouldbeprevalentforyoutotakenoteofthismessage.”
BesidemeRyansnorts,shovinganothercookieinhismouth.WhenIopenmymouthtoaskwhat’ssofunny,heshovesoneintomine,grinninglikeafoolbecauseIhavenochoicebuttoeatit.
Skinnerfinallyrunsoutofenergy.Heleansagainstthepodiumandhisshoulderssag.“Idon’tcarewhatyourpotentialis.Ifyoudon’tfallinline,youwillbebenched.I’dliketheskatingandhockeyteamtostaybehind,buttherestofyouaredismissed.”
Ryangrabshisbagfromthefloorandstands,stretchingandlettingoutanoverexaggeratedyawn.“I’llwaitforyououtside.Food?”
Igivehimanod,creepingontomytiptoestowipethecookiecrumbsfromthecornerofhismouthwithmythumb.“HopefullyIwon’tbelong.”
Everyone,barthefifty-ishofus,filteroutoftheroom.Ironically,aboutfivetimesquickerthantheyfilteredin.
BradyandFaulkner,theicehockeyteamcoach,joinDirectorSkinneronthestage.“Comeclosereveryone,I’mtiredofthismicrophone.”
Asweallheadtothefrontoftheroomasrequested,Ispotanannoyed-lookingAaroninthecrowdandmovetohisside.
“Youokay?”Iaskquietlyaswetakeaseatinthefrontrow.
“Yep.”
Itdoesn’ttakeageniustoknowheisn’tinagreatmood,butthisfeelsdirectedatme,notatSkinner.“Yousure?”
Hislipsarepulledinatightline,andhehasn’tlookedatmeyet.“Yep.”
Skinnerstepsoutfrombehindhispodiumandpusheshishandsintohissuitpantspockets,histired,sunkeneyesscanningthoseofusleft.“I’llmakethisquick.Followingwhatcanonlybelabeledasacolossalshitshow,ArenaTwoisoutofactionfortheforeseeablefuture.”
OhGod
“Aninvestigationisunderwayintohowtheextensivedamagewascaused,butI’mtoldtherewillbesignificantdelayswhenitcomestorepairs,duetoashortageofpartsforourparticularequipment.”
Therealizationdoesn’twashoverme,itfuckingdrownsme.Thehockeyteamisknownforcausingtroublewithrivalteams,andeachotherusually.Thespoiled,richboytohockeyteampipelinethrivesatthisschool,andI’dputmoneyonsomeonecausingtrouble.
“Whatthismeansforyou,”Skinnercontinues,“isyouwillneedtosharearinkfortheforeseeablefuture,andIexpectyoualltoworktogethertomakethissituationwork.”
Clearlyknowingthenumberofquestionsabouttocomehisway,Skinnerproveshedoesn’tactuallycareaboutus,andimmediatelydips.He’snotevenoffthestagebeforeI’mstormingovertoCoachBrady.
“Wehaveregionalsinfiveweeks!”
“I’mwellawareofyourcompetitionschedule,Anastasia,”CoachBradydrawls,wavingoffsomeoftheunderclassmenwhentheyattempttocrowdaroundwhenI’mveryclosetohavingameltdown.“Wehavenootheroption,soitisn’tworthgettingupsetover.”
Issheforreal?“Howarewegoingtoqualifyifwecan’tpractice?”
Tenfeetaway,CoachFaulknerisflankedbyhisownteam,Iwouldimaginefendingoffthesameconcerns.NotlikeIcare,theyobviouslycausedthismess,andnowwe’retheoneswhoaregoingtosuffer.
I’mtryingtonotcatastrophize,tonotblowthisoutofproportioninmyhead.I’mconcentratingonbreathinginandout,andnotbawlinguncontrollablyinfrontofstrangers,whileIlistentomyteammatesvoicethesameconcerns.WhenIletmyeyesdriftbackovertothehockeyteam,mostofthemhavegone.There’soneguytalkingtoFaulkner,andhemustfeelmewatchinghim,becausehiseyesmeetmine.He’slookingatmewithaweirdexpressiononhisface,aforcedpitygrimace,Ithink.
Frankly,hecantakehisfakesympathyandshoveituphisass.
“We’lltalkaboutthisatpractice,Stassie,”Bradysays,offeringarare—almostborderlinefriendly—smile.“EnjoyaFridayeveningoffforonce.I’llseeyoubothonMonday.”
Afteranothersmallprotest,IfinallylistentoBrady’spleasformetoleaveheralone,andheadtowardtheexit.I’mtrailingbehindAaron,draggingmyfeet,andfeelingsorryformyself,whenIheara“Hey”andfeelahandlandonmybicep.
It’sMr.Sympathy,stillsporting—youguessedit—apitypout.“Listen,I’msorry.Iknowthissucksforallofus.I’mgoingtodowhatIcantomakethisaseasyaspossible.”
Heletsgoofmyarmandtakesastepback,givingmethechancetolookathimupcloseforthefirsttime.Hetowersovermebyatleastafoot,broadshoulders,thickmusclesstrainingagainstthesleevesofhisHenley.Evenbeneathadustingofstubble,youcanseethesharpnessofhisjawline.I’mtryingtoworkoutifI’veevermethimbeforewhenhestartstalkingagain.
“Iknowyou’reprobablyfeelingstressed,butwe’rehavingapartytonightifyouwanttocome.”
“Andyouare?”Iask,forcingmyvoicetosoundcalm.Ican’tignorethetwingeofsatisfactionIgetwhenhiseyebrowsshootupforasplitsecond.
Hegainshiscomposurejustasquickly,amusementlightinguphisdeepbrowneyes.“NateHawkins.I’mcaptainofthehockeyteam.”Heholdsoutahandformetoshake,butIlookatit,thenbackupathisface,foldingmyarmsacrossmychest.
“Wereyounotlistening?PartytimeisoveraccordingtoSkinner.”
Heshrugsandreachesroundtorubthebackofhisneckawkwardly.“Peoplewillshowupregardless,evenifItriedtostopit.Look,comeover,bringfriendsorwhatever.It’dbegoodifwecouldallgeton,andIswear,wehavegoodtequila.Doyouhaveaname?”
Irefusetobecharmedbyaprettyface.Notevenonewithlittledimplesandnicecheekbones.Thisisstilladisaster.“Doyoumeetalotofpeoplewhodon’thavenames?”
Tomysurprise,hestartslaughing.Aheavy,richnoisethatmakesmycheeksflush.“Okay,you’vegotmethere.”
Hiseyesflickbehindmeasanarmlandsacrossmyshoulders.Ilookup,expectingtofindRyan,butinsteadfindAaron.Ishrugoffhisembrace,sincestufflikethisiswhatmakespeopleassumewe’redating,whenI’dhonestlyrathereatmyskates.“Areyoucoming?”hesnaps.
Nodding,Itakeonelastlookatmynewrinkfriend.Hedoesn’tbotherintroducinghimselftoAaron,insteadhemouths,Rememberthepartytome.
God,Sabrinaisgoingtoloveallthisdrama.FOUR|NATHAN
Theentirehockeyteampoursthroughthefrontdoorandimmediatelyheadstowardtheliquorcabinet.
IwaituntilRussisabouttowalkpastthengriphisarm,stoppinghiminhistracks.“Myroom.Three-nine-nine-three.”
Hisfacedropsandheforcesanervouslaugh.“You’renotmytype,Cap.”
Itightenmygripwhenheattemptstowalkofftowardtherestofourteammembers,whoarepassingaroundbeersinthelivingroom.“It’sbeenalongfuckingday.Don’tmakemedothisinfrontofthewholeteam.”
Hisshouldersdropindefeat,andhetrudgesupeachsteplikeanaughtyschoolkid,hisheadhunglow.Imean,technicallyrightnowheisanaughtyschoolkid.
Sharingarinkrightbeforethestartoftheseasonisalogisticfuckingnightmare—nottomentionwhenwehavehomegames.Fuck.IfeellikeIhaveamigrainecomingonalreadyandwehaven’tevenattemptedtoworkoutascheduleyet.
Thebrown-hairedfigureskaterwasseethingearlier.I’msurprisedaveindidn’tpopoutofherforeheadwhenhercoachtoldhertonotworryaboutit.Iwastryingtodiscreetlylistenin,whichwasn’thardsinceshewasyelling.
IfeellikedoingthesamewhenIthinkabout“notworryingaboutit,”soatleastsheandIhavesomethingincommon.Herboyfriendlookedtotallyunfazed,somaybehe’llhelphercalmdown,ormaybenot,judgingbythewaysheshruggedhimoff.
She’safunnylittlething.Immediatelysassingme,holdingherheadhigh,butIthinkshemighthavebeenwarmingtome.Minutesearlier,shewasclearlyonthebrinkoftears.I’mhopingshetakesupmyofferandwecanhaveadrink,formafriendshipofsomesorts.It’llmakethiswholesituationeasier.
IdecidetoletRusswaitfortwentyminutes,hopingtheguiltwillbeeatingawayathim,anditwon’tbehardtofindoutwhat’shappened.He’llbeupstairslisteningtopeoplelaughandjokewithouthim,buthewon’trealizepeoplearelaughingabouthowfuckingawfulthisseasonisgoingtobe.
Ifeelsorryforthem.
Somuchso,I’mnotevenkickingtherookiesoutastheydrowntheirsorrowsintheirbeerbottles.IfeellikeIneedtomakeamotivationalspeechorsomething,cheereveryoneup,butfirstIneedtoworkoutexactlywhywe’reinthismess.
Russissittingonmydeskchair,spinningincircles,whenIfinallyjoinhim.Iexpecthimtomakeasnideremark,moanaboutwaitingsolong—somethingIwouldhavedonewhenIwasacockylittleshit—buthedoesn’tsayanything.Hesitssilently,waitingformetomakethefirstmove.
“Whatdidyoudo?”Herubshishandstogether,leaningforwardtoresthiselbowsagainsthisknees.He’suncomfortable.Hisfaceispale,andhelooksillmorethananything.“Buddy,Ican’thelpyouifyoudon’ttellmewhatI’vegottahelpwith.”
“Ididn’tdoanything.”
Irunmyhandacrossmyface,tryingnottolosemypatience.“Iknowyou’vedonesomething,andIcan’tfixitifyoulietome.”
WhenIfirststartedplayinghockeyatMapleHills,ourcaptainwasadick,andeveryonehatedhimforit.Ineverexpectedtobecomecaptain,butIknewifIdid,Iwouldn’tbelikehim.Russhasashittyhomelife,andIknowhedidn’tworkhisassofftogethimselfoutofthatsituationtocomehereandbetreatedthesamewaybyme.
MaybeIwouldn’tbethispatientwithsomeoftheotherguysontheteambutbeingagoodleadermeansknowinghowtogetthroughtoyourmen.
Takingaseatonmybedacrossfromhim,Islowlywatchabouttendifferentemotionshithimallatonce.“Itwasn’taprank,Ipromise.”
“Right,keeptalking.”
“There’sthisgirlatUCLA.Imetheratapartyacoupleofweeksago.Westartedscrewingaround,andtheneverypartyIwasatshe’dbethere.Ithoughtshewassinglebut…”helooksathishands,pickingatthecallusesonhispalms.
“But?”
“Butshehasaboyfriend.HefoundoutsomehowandsentmeamessagesayingIwasgonnafuckingregretevenlookingather.Thenthishappenedsoitmustbethat,right?”
“Youstilltalkingtothisgirl?”
Heshakeshishead.“IblockedheroneverythingassoonasIfoundoutshehadaboyfriend.”
“Youdon’ttellanyonethis,okay?You’llgetkickedofftheteam,”Isayseriously.“Imeanit,kid.Whentheyaskwhyyou’vebeenuphere,tellthemyougotshitgoingonathomeorsomething,andyouwantedtotalktome.”
“Okay,Cap.”
Inodtowardmydoor.“Getyourselfabeer.”
Iwaituntilhe’soutoftheroomandstompingdownthestairsbeforeIscreameverycursewordIknowintomypillow,forthesecondtimetoday.
***
Afewhoursaftermybestattemptatbeingaresponsiblecaptain,thehouseisoverflowingwithpeople,emptybottles,andredcups.PartofmeisexpectingDavidSkinnertowalkthroughthedoor,orworse,Faulkner.
IdoubtCoachwouldbetoothrilledwedecidedtoendtheworstdayeverwithapartyweweretoldnottohave.NormallyFridaypartiesarefulloftiredathletes,achingfromFridaygamesorpractice,lookingtounwindandwatchotherpeoplemakesomequestionablechoices.Buttonight,there’ssomethingdifferentintheair.It’salmostlikebeingremindedweshouldn’tbemisbehavingismakingeveryonewanttogowild.
IspotBriar,Summer’sroommate,pouringherselfadrinkatthekitchencounter,whichimmediatelymakesmefeelbetter.Thosegirlsareinseparable,soifBishere,Summerwillbeheresomewhere.Shecan’trejectmetwiceinoneweek,right?
SummerjokestheonlyreasonIwantherisbecauseshe’snotinterested,andshe’stheonlywomanwho’severrejectedme.Hearinghersayshe’snotinterestedmakesmewanthermore,sothinkingaboutitlogically,she’sprobablyright.AsmuchasIwantachancewithher,wearegoodfriends,whichmakesherrejectionstingabitless.
IpushpastthemassesofpeopleandputonmyfriendliestIwannamarryyourbestfriendface.She’ssoengrossedintherandomliquorshe’smixing,shedoesn’tevennoticemeasIleanagainstthecounterbesideher.“Thatlookslikeyou’regonnabethrowinguponmylawnlater,Beckett.”
Herheadsnapsup,longblondhairswishingasshefindsmenexttoher.“It’sagoodjobI’mnotdrinkingalonethen,isn’tit,”sheslurs,heraccentanunusualmixofEnglishandAmerican.
Hergreeneyesareglassy,andhersmileismoreofalazy,drunkensmirkasshewinksatmeandpushesthecupinmydirection,immediatelyreachingforanewone.“Iheardyouhadashittyday.Idid,too,wecanbesicktogether.”
Iwaituntilshe’smixedanotherdisgustingconcoctionbeforetippingmycuptohers.“Todipshitsophomores.”
Shesnorts.“Todipshitex-girlfriends.”
Ithrowbackthedrinkandfuckdoesitsting.“JesusChrist.”Ichokeasthefluidburnsitswaydownmythroat.“Whothefucktaughtyoutomixdrinks?”
“MyUncleJames.Hecallsitamagiccocktail.YoulookingforSummer?”SherollshereyesatmewhenInod.“She’splayingbeerpongwithCamiintheden.”
“I’llrememberthisbeautifulmomentwhenI’mmakingthespeechatmineandSummer’swedding.”Iknockbacktherestofmypoison,tryingnottogag,butfailing.
“Noyouwon’t!”sheshoutsafterme.“SheknowsyoufuckedKittylastnight!”
Fuck
Summerisbentoverthetable,liningupashot,whenIpushmywaythroughthecrowdtostandnexttoher.She’splayingRyanandCJfromthebasketballteamwithherotherbestfriend,Cami
“Youwinning?”
“Goaway,Nathan.”Shelaughs,notbotheringtolookupatme.“You’regoingtodistractme.”
“Rude.WhatifI’myourgoodluckcha—”Idon’tevengettofinishmysentencebecauseI’meatingmywordsasshesendstheballbouncingacrosstheroombyaccident.
Shefinallylooksupatme,hereyesmurderousinawayIfindweirdlysexy.Iclearmythroat.“I’llcheeryouonfromoverhere.”
Sherollshereyes,mutteringunderherbreathknowingIwon’tunderstandher.“Esbuencosaqueeresatractivo.”
Scanningthedentoseewhoturnedup,IimmediatelyspotMissI-don’t-have-a-name.Shelookssignificantlymorerelaxedthanshedidearlier;herlonglightbrownhairiscurly,bouncingaroundherfaceasshethrowsbackherheadandlaughsatsomethingherfriendsaid.Hercheeksareflushed,ocean-blueeyesbright;shelookshappy.
Ilikeit.
ShespotsmebeforeIreachher,andImightbeimaginingit,butIswearshechecksmeout.“Youmadeit!”Isaycheerfully,althoughshedoesn’treact.Itryherfriendinstead,who’sstaringatmewithanintriguedlookonherface.“I’mNate.”
“Sabrina.”Sheflicksherfingerbetweenthetwoofus,eyesnarrowing.“Doyoutwoknoweachother?”
“Wemetearlier,”Iconfirm,watchingherignoremyattempttogethertolookatme.Shetakesasipfrom—whatIcanseefrommyheightadvantage—isanemptycup.“Didn’tgetyournamethough,sadly.”
Shestopspretendingtodrinkandfinallylooksatmyface.Sheonlylookslikeshewantstohitmewithahockeystickalittlebitnow,whichisahugeimprovementfromearlier.
“Anastasia.OrStassie.Whichever,itdoesn’tmatter.”
“CanIgetyouguysadrink?”
“Icangetmyown,it’sfine.”
Sabrinahuffsandrollshereyesatherfriend,smilingupatme.“Ignoreher,shedoesn’tknowhowtoplaynicelywithothers.Onlychildthing.”
“Jesus.Okay,I’llhelpyouthough,”Anastasiasays,walkingofftowardthekitchen,draggingSabrinabehindherwithherfreehand.Ijogafterthem,scoopingtheemptycupsfromhergrip.“Adrinkisn’tgoingtocharmmeintonotbeingmadabouttherink,y’know.”
Icanbelievethat.Nothingaboutthisgirltellsmeshe’sgoingtobeeasytocrack,andit’smadethiswholerinksituationabitmoreinteresting.“Youhaven’tevenseenhowcharmingIcanbeyet,”Itease,grinningeartoearwhenIcatchthecornerofhermouthcreepingup.“You’regoingtobeimpressed.”
Shetakesthecupsbackfrommyhandsandmovesinfrontofmetoplacethemonthecounter,gettingtoworkmakingtwodrinks.“I’mimmunetohockeyplayercharm.”
Robbiewheelshischairtomysideanddigsmeintheleg,mouthingWhatthefuckbehindthegirl’sbackswithwideeyes.Heclearshisthroatandtheybothturntofacehim.“Whataboutcharmingassistanthockeycoaches?”
“Oh,she’sdefinitelyimmunetothose,butI’mnot.Hi,I’mSabrina.”
“Robbie.”
SabrinaelbowsStassiewhomumblesa“Hi.”
“ThisisStassie.Sheactslikeshe’sgrumpybutshe’sactuallyverynice.”
“Thanksforcomingtomyparty,”hesays,nottakinghiseyesoffher.Idon’tknowwhethertocringeorstandinaweasshefluttershereyelashesathimandgiggles.
Unbelievable
Anastasiahasthesameblendofconfusionandamusementonherfaceasshelooksbetweenourfriends.“Brin,I’mgoingtogetintolineforthebathroom.Areyoucoming?”Sabrina’seyesflicktohersthenbacktoRobbie’s,beforeshakingherhead.“Okay,I’llmeetyoubackhere.”
Iholdoutahandtoleadhertowardthestairs.“Comeon,youcanusemybathroom.”Shelooksatmyhandoncethenbackuptomyface,eyesnarrowingsuspiciously.“Ihaveapassword-protecteddoorandaprivatebathroom.Youcanjointhelineifyouwant?”Isay,pointingtowardthepeopledrunkenlydrapingoverthestaircase.
Shesighsindefeatanddropsherhandintomypalm,weavingherfingersbetweenmine.“Thisisn’tmeforgivingyou.”
“Obviously.”
Inavigateusthroughthecrowd,keepingherbodyclosetomine,herfreehandrestinggentlyonmywaistuntilwereachthestairs.Shewalksaroundmetogofirst,andIimmediatelyrealizelettinghergoinfrontofmeisamistake,becauseassoonasshegetsafewstepsahead,I’vegotherassinmydirectvision,swayingsidetosideasshetakeseachstep.
Iusherherinandpointtowardthebathroom,gettingaweirdsenseofdéjàvuwatchingherafterthismorning’santics.Atleastshe’sclothed.Wait,whyamIsayingitlikeit’sagoodthing?
Sheexitsthebathroomafteracoupleofminutes,stoppinginhertrackswhenshespotsmewaitingforheronmybed.Iholdupmyhandsdefensively.“Ididn’twantyoutogetlost.”
“It’sfine.”Shefoldsherarmsacrossherchestandtiltsherheadtothesideinawaythatalmostlooksplayful.“I’mdisappointedyou’rehere;Iwasgoingtosnoop.”
It’snicetoseeadifferentsidetoheraftertheoneImetthisafternoon.Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwithshowingemotion,Ijustprefertoseehermorerelaxed.
Forthefirsttime,Igetareallookatwhatshe’swearing.Tightleatherpantsthatlookliketheywerefreakingpaintedon,andablacklacecorset,showingherbodyinawayI’mnotsureIevenknowhowtodescribe.WhatI’msayingbutnotsayingisshe’shot,andmaybegettingtoknowheralittlebetterwon’tbeabadthing.
“Don’tletmypresencedeteryoufromsnooping,”Ijoke.“I’llwaitrighthere.”
Thesoundofherheelsclickingechoesaroundtheroomasshewalksslowlytowardmydesk,nottakinghereyesoffme.Herfingerstravelacrossthepileofbiologybookslitteringmydesk.“What’reyoustudying?”
“Sportsmedicine,you?”
“Business.”Shepicksupapicturefrommydesk,analyzingitthoroughlybeforelookingbackatme.“WestCoastkid?”
“Mountains.”
“Wyoming?”sheasks,puttingthephotographdownandpickinguptheonenexttoit.
“Close.”Istandandwalkovertothedesk,takingthepicturefromherhandandreplacingitwithoneofmeandRobbieatourfirsthockeygamewhenwewerefive.“Colorado.EagleCounty.You?”
“I’mfromSeattle.That’sVailright?RichkidhockeystarfromEagleCountyisabitpredictable,isn’tit?”Isitonthedesksowe’reateyelevel,foldingmyownarmstomatchherguardedstance.“Alittlebitcliché?”
Ican’tkeepthesmirkfrommylipsasherocean-blueeyeslockwithmine.“YouthinkI’mastar?”
Turningquickly,shescoffsandheadsacrosstheroom,sittingonmybed.Iwanttofollowherlikealittlepuppy,butIforcemyselftostayput,watchingassheplacesherhandsbehindherandleansback,lettinghersilkybrownhairdrapeoverhershoulder.
“I’veneverwatchedyouplay,”shesayswithabitmorecheerthanI’dlike.“Istronglydislikehockey.”
“I’moffended,Anastasia.I’llhavetogetyouticketsforrinksideseatsatournexthomegame.”
“Idon’tneedticketsforaneventinmyownarena.That’sifyouguysdon’tfuckupbeforethenandyourteamgetsaxed.”
Thereisalmostabittoomuchoptimisminhertonewhenshesaysthewordaxed.It’slikebeingverballyabusedbyTinkerbell.
“Whodidyouguysterrorizeenoughtodeservegettingyourrinktrashed?”
Thisisn’tgoingtobethelasttimeIgetaskedthisquestion,soIneedtobuckleuptotakeit,eventhoughIhatelyingtopeople.It’sawhitelie,butI’mnotafanofstartingafriendshipwithanegative.“Wehaven’tdoneanything,soI’mnotsure.”Hereyesnarrowbecausesheclearlydoesn’tbelieveme,soIpanic.“Ipromise,Anastasia.”
HereyessoftenandIimmediatelyfeellikeshit.WhythefuckdidIpromise?
“Shouldweheadbackdownstairs?”
“Sure.Robbiehasprobablycharmedthepantsoffyourfriendbynow.”
Shechucklesandit’sborderlineembarrassinghowhappyIfeelfinallygettinghertolaugh.“Trustme,Sabrinaismorethanhappytobecharmedbyahotguy.”
ThistimeI’msmartenoughtowalkinfrontofherdownthestairs,restingourinterlockedhandsonmyshoulderforhertousemetobalance.It’snotuntilI’monthebottomstepIseeher
boyfriend—whoI’dforgottenexisted—standingthere,staringatmelikeallhellisabouttobreakloose.FIVE|ANASTASIA
Natestopsabruptlyinfrontofme,almostsendingmetumblingdownthestairs.
“What’reyoudoing?”Iask,confusedwhenhepracticallyripshishandfrommine.Hestepstotheside,andassoonashismassivebodyisoutoftheway,Iseewhathecansee.
“Yourboyfriendlookslikehewantstomurderme.”
“Well,that’sodd,”Imuse,movingsowe’reonthesamestep.“Idon’thaveaboyfriend.”
He’sright,though;Aarondoeslookreadytomurdersomeone.Itdoesn’tchangeasheapproachesmeandNatewhenwestepoffthelaststair.“Hey,”Ichirp.“Ithoughtyouwerestayinghometonight.”
AaronisstillstaringatNate,evenwhenIplacemyhandonhisarmandgiveitasqueeze.Aaron’seyesfinallymeetmine,eyebrowsraised.“Whatwereyoudoingupstairswithhim?”
IfeelNatebesideme,theghostofhistouchhoveringaroundthebottomofmyback.IdecidetoplayniceinsteadoftearingAaronanewoneforbeingsoweirdandrudeinfrontofanaudiencelikeIwantto.“Aaron,thisisNate.Nate,thisisAaron,myskatingpartner.”
Thetestosteroneoozingoutofthemispracticallypalpableastheyshakehands,eachoftheirhandsturningwhitewhentheytrytocrusheachother’sbones.Pathetic.Whentheyeventuallyletgoandthebloodreturnstotheirfingers,IturntoAaronandforceafakesmile,eventhoughhedoesn’tdeserveit.“Yougood?Wherehaveyoubeen?”
“Iaskedyoufirst.”
“Iwaspeeing,isthatasufficientanswer?”Isnap,finallylosingmycomposure.
It’sbeenalong-assdayandI’vealreadyhadtotolerateAaron’sbullshitonce,whenhedecidedRyanwaspublicenemynumberoneafterthemeeting.
Ryanwantedtotakemeforfood,youknow,anormalactivitybetweenfriends.AaronkissedhisteethasheremindedmeIhaveanoutfittofitintoforregionals.LikeIcouldeverpossiblyforget,especiallybeingaroundhim.Ryanwaspissed,sotoldAaronifhecouldn’tliftme,heneedstoworkharderinthegym.
Ofcourse,Aarondidn’tlikethatsofiredback,andintheend,IwassotiredofthedramaRyanendedupgivingmearidehome.Unfortunately,mychickensaladdidn’ttasteasgoodwiththeknowledgethatRyanwouldhaveconvincedmetoeataburgerorsomething.
SonowI’mirritatedandhungry,abitdrunk,andonceagainwatchingAaronbeanassandembarrassme.
Aaronquirksabrow,clearlynotbelievingIwasusingthebathroom.“ThoughtyouwerecollectingteamcaptainslikePokémon.Where’sRothwell?He’snormallytheonedrapedalloveryou.”
Hiswordshitmerightinthechestlikehewantedthemto,andIcan’tstopthelumpforminginmythroat.Nate’shandsettlesonmybackashetakesastepcloser.“Ifyou’regoingtobeadickyouneedtoleave,dude.Peoplearetryingtohaveagoodnight.”
“You’reintrudingonaprivateconversation,dude,”Aaronrespondsbluntly.
“You’reinmyhouseandyou’rebeingrudetomyguest.Lightenthefuckuporleave.”
Nateisabigguy,muchbiggerthanAaron.He’sagoodhalfafoottaller,broader,moremuscular.Nottomentionhe’safreakinghockeyplayer.Aaronisbuiltlikeaballetdancer,strong,too,butlean.Plus,hasneverbeeninafightinhiscushy,privilegedlife,whichiswhyit’ssosurprisingtomethathestartsshitwithpeoplewhohave.
“I’msorry,Stas,”hesays,mynameslurringslightly.“IsupposeI’mupsetnowIknowwhytherinkwastrashed.”
“Nobodyknowswhathappened,”Nateanswersquickly.
Tooquickly.
Aaronlaughs,butthere’snohumortoit.“Ido.Rookiecouldn’tkeepitinhispants.Knockedupsomeone’slittlesister.Ghostedher.”Heturnstome,theshockonhisfaceclearlyfake.“Howbadisthat,Stas?Ghostingthefreshmanyouknockedup?Andnowwe’resuffering.”
“Thatisn’twhathappened,”Natesayscoldly.
God,Ifeelfoolishrightnow.Ishouldn’thavebelievedhispromise;ofcourseheknows.MybodystiffensunderNate’shand,andheremovesitquickly,movingawaytogivemespace.“Well,thiswasfun,”Isayflatly,tryingnottoshowanyemotion,sinceit’sclearlywhatAaronwashopingfor.“I’mheadinghome.”
“Cool,wecanridetogether.I’llgofindBrin.”
He’sadifferentguyinamatterofminutes.It’slikebeingfriendswithJekyllandHydesometimes,especiallyafteradrinkwhenhisnastysidecomesout.It’sdisappointingbecausemostofthetimehe’sgreat,buthe’ssofuckinggoodathidingthenicesideofhimself.
Natepinchesthebridgeofhisnosebetweenhisfingers,blowingoutafrustratedsighaswebothwatchAarondisappearintothecrowd.“Ididn’twanttolietoyou.”
Puttingsomedistancebetweenus,Iturntofacehim.Helookslikehe’sgottheweightoftheworldonhisshouldersrightnow,andhemightforallIknow.ButIhavegoalstoo.Ilovemysportandmytimeontheiceisasvaluableashis.
Hedragshishanddownhisfaceandforcesasmile.“Idon’twantthistoaffectourfriendship,well,like,thefriendshipwecouldhave.”
“Youthinkagoodfriendshipstartswithalie?”
“No,well,”hesays,stumblingoverhiswords.“Ididn’twanttolietoyou.Butmyteamdoesn’tevenknow,andIswear,itisn’twhathappened.Yourpartnerislyingtoo.”
IwishIhadn’tcometothisparty.“Great,soeveryoneislyingtome.Fantastic,”Isaysarcastically.“Forgetit,it’sfine.Thehockeyteamcanlookafterthemselves,andtherestofuswill,Idunno,gofuckourselvesorsomething.”
IdoubtDr.Andrews,mylong-sufferingtherapist,wouldbeimpressedwithmerightnow.Communicationiskingiswhathe’ssaideverysessionforoveradecade.Technically,Iamcommunicating,notverywell,butitstillcounts.Idon’tknowhowtotellNatehowstressfulthiswholesituationisformewithoutseemingdramatic.MaybeI’mnottryinghardenoughtonotreactthewayAaronwashoping,butIblamethealcoholandlackofdecentfood.
NatecatchesmyarmasIturntowalkaway.Lookingathimovermyshoulder,Iseehisfacesoften.“Ipromise,heonlyhookedupwithher.She’sgotaboyfriendandhedidn’tknow.Nothingaboutapregnancy.”
Helookslikehe’sbeinggenuine,buthedidearlieraswell.Turningtofacehim,Itakeastepbacktokeepenoughdistancebetweenusbuthishandstaysonmyarm.“Nooffense,butyourpromisesdon’tmeanshit.YouhavezeroideathepressureI’munder,thesacrificesI’vehadtomake.Youhavenoideahowitfeels,knowingitallhangsinthebalancebecausesomekiddoesn’tknowhowtowrapuphisdick.”
Hisbrowsfurrowtogether,confusionmaybe.“Hangsinthebalance?You’reblowingthisoutofproportion.Ifwedon’toverreactandweworktoge—”
It’slikeIcanphysicallyfeelmybloodboiling.Clearlyhehasnoideaoftheimpactofhisteam’smistakes.Hehasafullteamtohelphimwin,butit’sjustmeandAaron.Ifwedon’tpracticeenough,wedon’twin.Ifwedon’twin,wedon’tgototheOlympics.Ifwedon’tgototheOlympics,whatwasthefuckingpoint?
ThereisareasonMapleHillshastworinks.Thereisareasonitproducessomeofthebestathletesinthecountry.It’sbecausetheschoolmakessurewehaveenoughspacetogetthetimeweneedtobethebest.
“YouthinkI’mbeingdramatic?Youknowwhat,Nate,”Isaysharply,shakingoffhishand.“Forgetit.StayoutofmywayandI’llstayoutofyours.”
“Stassie!”heshoutsaftermeasIheadintothecrowd.
ButIignorehim,thestartofwhatisgoingtobealotofmeignoringhim
Attheendofwhatispossiblytheworstdayever,mylevelofirritationcontinuestorisebecausetryingtofindSabrinainthishouseisliketryingtofindWaldo.
Aaronisalsonowheretobeseen,althoughIcan’tquitedecideifit’sagoodthingorabadthingafterhislittleperformance.
ItrackdownRyaneasily;itwasn’thardsincehe’sstillinthedenwithhisbasketballfriends.However,Iwasn’texpectingtofindhimsittingonacouch,whisperingintotheearofOliviaAbbott.
Weirdly,myfirstthoughtisIwonderifSabrinaknowsherarchnemesisishere,butafterIshakethatoff,I’minshock.
Idon’tthinkI’veseenOliviaatapartybefore,ever.She’sevenmorebeautifulupclosethansheisonthestage;longgolden-blondhairstyledlikeanoldHollywoodicon,eyelinerthatwouldtakemethreeweekstoperfect,andaperfectredlip.Shelookslikesheshouldbegoingontheredcarpet,notsittingatacollegeparty.
“Hey,I’msorrytointerrupt,”IsayasIapproachthem.Ryanstopswhisperingandlooksupatme.“HaveyouguysseenSabrina?”
Ryanimmediatelylooksconcerned,eventhoughhedoesn’tneedtobe.Well,unlessImurderAarontonightandhehastohelpmehidethebody.“Everythingokay?”
“AaronbeingAaron.We’reheadinghome.”
“IsawhergointoRobbie’sroomwithhimquiteawhileago,”Oliviasaysquietly.“Icanmakesureshegetshomeokayifyouneedtogo.I’mnotdrinkingandmycarisrightoutside.”
“DoyouneedmyhelpwithAaron?”Ryanaskscautiously.
“Olivia,ifyoucouldIwillloveyouforever,”Ipromise,breathingasighofreliefnowIknowBriniscovered.“Aaronwillbefinenowhe’sgotallhisbitchinessout.I’msorryIdidn’tgetachancetotalktoyoutonight,Olivia.Youlookbeautiful,nexttimewecangettoknoweachotherproperly.MyUberisoutside,though,soIneedtogo.”
Shegivesmeashysmile.“Thatwouldbenice.Seeyousoon.”
“Textmewhenyougethome,’kay?”RyanshoutsasIwalkaway.“Imeanit,Stas.Don’tforget.”
Iknowitmightbeweirdtothinkabouttheguyyouhavecasualsexwithandyourbestfriend’sfakearchnemesistogether,butanAbbottxRothwellrelationshipwouldbethetypeteenagegirlscryoverbecauseofhowperfectitis
RyanandIworksowellbecauseIdon’twantarelationship,andhedoesn’tcare.Ifhefoundsomeonehewantedtodate,Iwouldneverstandinhisway.Hedeservestobelovedlikethatandhedeservestobehappy,becausehe’ssuchanamazingguy.
HewouldbeOlivia’sgreatestsupporter,andmaybehe’dbringheroutofhershellalittle.Idon’tknowOliviayet,butevenwhenshegetstheroleBrinwants,Brincan’tdenyOliviaseemslikeanicegirl.
Ican’twaittoseewherethisgoes
***
IstartedworkingatSimone’sRinkfreshmanyearwhenRosie,afriendofafriend,mentionedhermomwaslookingtohirehelp.
ThecostoftextbookswasmountingupandIcouldn’taskmyparentsformoney,sincetheywerealreadypayingforallmyskatingstuff.Simone,theowner,paidformetodoacoachingqualification,whichmeantIcouldteachSaturdayclassestokidsunderten.
“Allgood?”Simoneasks,walkingintothebreakroomwhereI’msitting,contemplatingwhattoeat.
“Yeah,great.I’mgonnagograbsomelunchbeforemynextclass,Ithink.”
“Thereisaveryhandsomemaninreceptionaskingforyou,”shesayswithawink.“Lookslikehehasfoodwithhim.”
Venturingouttothereceptiondesk,IseeSimonewasright,thereisaveryhandsomeman.
Ryanlookssuperoutofplacewiththeenergeticsix-year-oldscirclinghim,screeching.Thesecondhespotsme,histiredeyessoften,andthecornerofhismouthtugsup.Heholdsuppaperbagsineachhand.“Wannabemylunchdate?”
“I’vegotanotherclassatonep.m.;canyoueatallthatinthirtyminutes?”
“Icanachievealotinthirtyminutes,Anastasia,youshouldknowthatbynow.”
Wesettledownatatableinaquietcornernexttotheconcessionstand,andhebeginstounboxthefood.“Beforeyoushoutatme,IgotyouaCobbsalad…butIalsogotyouasideofbaconcheesefriesandnuggets,becauseIsawyourpostthismorningabouthowimportantbalanceis.”
IrollmyeyesbecauseI’mnotsurewhichofusisbecomingmorepredictable.“Balanceisimportant,stopteasingme!Anyway,thankyou.Youdidn’thavetobringmelunch,well,twolunches,butIappreciateyou.Wheredidyouenduplastnight?”
Ryantakesabiteofhischeeseburgerandstuffsinsomefries,groaninghappily.“WestHollywoodatTheHoneypot.Ioverdidit.”
“WithOlivia?”
Iswearhischeeksblushalittle.“No,Livheadedhomeunfortunately.Stoplookingatmelikethat.”
“Oh,she’sLivnowisshe?I’mexcitedforyou.I’mallowedtobeexcited,soyoucan’tstopme.Youhaven’tdatedanyoneinsolong,andsheseemslikeanicepersonfromthelittleIknow.”
“I’mnotdatingher,dramaqueen.Weexchangednumbers.”
“Thefirststepofanymarriage.”
Hehuffs,shruggingandwipinghishandsonanapkin.“We’llsee.Whycan’tyoumarryme,Allen?”
“Whydidyouskipoverbeingyourgirlfriendandgostraighttomarriage?”
“Whydatewhenwe’realreadybestfriends?Datingisscary.Mind-blowingsexandsomeonewhodoesn’tgetpissywithmyschedule?Signmeup,I’llputaringonitrightnow.Willyouacceptanonionringinsteadofadiamond?”
“Idon’tgetpissywithyourschedulebecauseI’mtoobusytonoticeyou’rebusy,”Isay,leaningovertonudgehiminthearm.“Oliviaisnice,Ry.Takeheroutandseehowitgoes.Worst-casescenarioyoucantellyourfuturekidsyouwentonadatewithafamousmoviestarorBroadwaystar,whateversheendsupbecoming.”
“Doyouthinkit’sagoodideaformetotakeadvicefromyou?Ahugecommitmentphobe?”
Hemighthaveapointthere.
“I’llaskherout,butifitgoeshorriblywrong,Anastasia,I’mblamingyou.”
“That’sfair.”
“WanttotellmewhatwentonwithAaron?”Icantellbythetoneofhisvoicehe’stryinghisbesttoseemcalmanduninterested.Inactualfact,basedonthetwelvetextshesentmeatvariousstagesofthenight,Iknowhe’sveryinterested.
“HeaskedmeifIwascollectingteamcaptainslikePokémon,”Idrawl,unboxingmynuggetsandthrowingoneintomymouth.“SawmecomingdownstairswithNateHawkinsandassumedI’dfuckedhim.”
“Whatthefuckisthatguy’sproblem?”Ryanmutters,stabbinghisfriesintoketchupaggressively.“Idon’tknowhowyouspendsomuchtimewithhim.EvenifyouhadbeenhookingupwithHawkins,it’snooneelse’sbusiness.You’reasinglewomanandyoucandowhatyouwant.”
“Iknow,Iknow.ButthenAaronrevealedhe’dfoundoutwhathappenedwiththerinktrashing,andNatehadpromisedmehedidn’tknowminutesearlier,soitcausedabitofanargument.”
“Aaronisadick,Stassie.It’snotgreatHawkinslied,butatthesametime,he’sgottaputhisteamfirst.It’snotthesameasmelyingtoyouorsomething,youguysdon’thavetrustyet.Surelyyouunderstand?”
“Yeah,ofcourseIdo,butwhenIwastryingtoexplainhowmuchthisimpactsme,hemadeoutIwasbeingdramatic.AndwhetherIwasornotdoesn’tmatter.Howarewesupposedtobeequalswhenhedoesn’teventrytoseemypointofview?”
“Beingcaptainisatoughgig,takeitfromme.You’vegottathinkoftwenty-pluspeopleaswellasyourself.They’realllookingforyoutohavetheirback,nomatterwhatsenselessshitthey’vedone.Itcanfuckingsucksometimes.Hawkinsisagoodguy,though,don’tholditagainsthim.”
I’mhavinganintensestaringcontestwithmynuggetsbecauseIcan’tfacelookingatRyan’swhilehetalkssense.
Hesnickers,leaningforwardtograbmyattention.“You’regoingtoholditagainsthim,aren’tyou?”
“Definitely,withoutadoubt.Forever.EvenlongerthanforeverifIcanmanageit.Theythrewahugecurveballintothemix,andI’mgoingtostayawayfromallofthem.”
He’slaughingathimselfbeforeheevensaysanything.“Youknowcurveballsarebaseballnothockey,right?”SIX|NATHAN
Thelastthreeweekshavebeensomeofthemoststressfulofmylife.
AaronCarlisle—God,evenhisnamesoundsdick-ish—ranhismouthofftoanyonewhowouldlisten.Includinghiscoach,whotoldourcoach,whothenthreatenedtostarttearingofflimbsifsomeonedidn’texplaintohimwhatthehellwasgoingon.
I’vespentmoretimegettingscreamedatwiththeteamthanIhaveplayinghockeywiththemrecently.TheguyswhotrashedtherinkwereontheUCLAhockeyteam,ourclosestrivalcollege.Aaronwasn’tfullylying;thegirlispregnant,butithasnothingtodowithRuss.
Thepoorkiddidn’tknowanythingaboutit;hethoughthe’dbeenhookingupwithsomeone’sgirlfriend.Sheblamedhimwhenherolderbrotherfoundout,andshepanicked.Isupposeitwaseasiertoblameastranger,andIdoubtsheexpectedhimtodriveoverhereandfuckupourarena.
Russhasagedabouttenyearssincethisstarted.Thereliefonhisfacewhenwetoldhimtherealstorywasunbelievable.FaulknerandIhadameetingwiththeUCLAcoachandcaptain,andtheywereabletotellusthefullstory.I’veknownCory,thecaptain,foryearsandhewasaspissedaboutthisasIam.
IfeltlikeDr.Philgivingtheresultsofapaternitytest,well,JerrySpringerismoreaccurateforthisbunch.Safetosay,we’reallonthinicewithFaulkner.Hesaidthenextpersontodosomethingirresponsiblewillgetbenchedfortherestoftheseason.Hesaidhedidn’tcareaboutourpost-collegeprospects;he’dforfeiteverygameuntilwelearnedhowtobehave.
I’monmybestbehaviorfortherestoftheyearbecauseI’mnotsureVancouverwillstillwantmeifIgetexpelledordelimbed,andthereisnofuckingwayI’mgoingbacktoColoradoafterIleavethisplace.
Isitaclichébeingaguywhogrewupwithimmenseprivilegeandalsohavingdaddyissues?Yes.Butinmydefense,mydadisamassivejackass.I’mprettysurehedidn’tgethuggedenoughasachildandnowhe’smakingitmyandmysister’sproblem.
Luckily,Imanagedtomoveathousandmilesaway,butpoorSashaisstillstuckwithhimsinceshe’sonlysixteen.Evenwhensheturnseighteen,Idoubthe’llletherleave.She’llbestuckbeinganunderappreciated,overworkedskiingprodigy.
Dadispreparedtothrowmoneyateverycoachinthenorthernhemisphere,ifitmeansSashgetstobethenextLindseyVonn.Ideallywithouttheinjuries,butI’mnotsurehe’sconcernedabouthersafetyanyway;hejustwantshertowin.
Thankfully,hehateshockey.Careless,violentsportforpeoplewholackdisciplineandcravechaos,hesays.ItwasMomwhosignedmeupforMr.H’steamallthoseyearsago.ShewaspregnantwithSashaatthetimeandneededsomethingthatwouldtireoutherenergeticfive-year-old.
Ididn’ttaketoskiinglikemydadhadhoped,andIcanproudlysayI’vebeendisappointinghimeverydaysince.Hewouldn’tevenbesurprisedifItoldhimwhathasbeengoingonrecently,butitwouldinvolveansweringhiscalls,andthatisn’tsomethingItendtodo.
Plus,he’donlyfindawayforittobemyfault.
TheintensityofRobbie’sstarefeelslikeit’sburningintomyskin,whichjoltsmefrommythoughts.
Annoyinghimismyfavoritethingtodo,anditmakesmerealizewhyJJlikesbeinganassholesomuch.Robkeepsdroppingthingsonthefloor,banginghisphoneagainsttheTVremotetomakeaclangingnoise,andafterabouttenminutesofgettingnoresponse,he’sstartedcoughingloudly.
IkeepmyeyesontheTVandsmothertheurgetosmirk.MikeRossisabouttonailanothercasewhenHenryelbowsmeintheside.“Robbieistryingtogetyourattention.Areyouignoringhimonpurpose?”
“Greatquestion,Henry,thankyou,”Robbieshoutsdramatically.“Areyouignoringmeonpurpose,Nathan?”
WhenIfinallylookathim,he’sstaringatmelikeanunimpressedmother.“Sorry,buddy.Didyouwantsomething?”
Robbiemutterssomethingunderhisbreath,followedbyaloudhuff.“Haveyouorganizedmybirthdayparty?”
“Youmeanthesurprisebirthdayparty?Theoneyouspecificallysaidyoudidn’twanttoknowanythingabout?Soitwas,y’know,anactualsurprise?”
Sixweeksago,Robbietoldmehewantedasurprisepartyforhisbirthday,claiminghostingpartiesisverystressfulandtime-consuming.Hedidn’twanttodealwiththeproblemsofhisownbirthday,soIneededtodoit.Itoldhimifitwassuchahassle,hedidn’tneedtoorganizeourpartiesanymore.
Hecalledmeadipshitandtoldmetogrowup.
“Ifthesurpriseisyouhaven’tsortedanything,Idon’tfuckingwantit.”
Henryimmediatelystands,hiseyesdartingbetweenmeandRobbie,andrushestowardthestairs.Robbiefollowshisfleetingframewithnarrowedeyesbeforeflickingbacktome.Ishrugitoff,actinglikeIdon’tknowHenryhasbeenworriedaboutspoilingthesurpriseforweeks.Thekiddoesn’thaveapokerface,andhe’sconvincedhimselfwithonlyafewmoredaystogo,he’sgoingtofailatthelasthurdle.
“Youneedtorelax,Robert,”Isay,knowingusinghisfullnamewillrilehimupalittlebitmore.“Stressisn’tgoodinyouroldage.”
Ithinkthat’stheendofit,butinstead,hescratchesathisjawandmakesanuhmsound.It’snotlikeMr.Confidenttostrugglewithhiswords,sonowhehascapturedmyattentionlikehewantedto.“Didyou…DidyouinviteSabrina?”
Oh,thisisfun.“Who?”
Inarrowlyavoidthecushionhelaunchesinmydirection.“Don’tbeadick,Nathaniel.Youknowwhosheis.”
Threeweeksago,whenIwasroyallyfuckingupwithStassie,Robbiewasgettingbetteracquaintedwithherbestfriend.Hewon’ttellmewhathappened,claiminghe’sagentleman,butit’shardnottodrawyourownconclusionswhensheonlyleftonSaturdayafternoon,wearingoneofhisT-shirts.
Ihaven’tseenhersince,soIthoughtitwasaone-nightthingbutjudgingbythenervouslookonhisface,maybenot.“Wouldyouwantherthere?Inthehypotheticalsituationwherethereisaparty?”
“We’vebeentalking,soyeah.Hypothetically.”
Robbiehasnoproblemswithwomen,butIcan’tpretendhedoesn’trotatethemwhenhegetsbored.Thefacthe’stalkingtoherandnotonlyhookingupwithherisagoodsign.
“Noted.Readyforpractice?”Iaskhim,carefullychangingthesubjectbeforeIgiveawaypartysecrets.
“Yeah,letmegetmysweatshirtfirst.”
Shit.NowIhavetofindawaytogetSabrinahere.
***
JJissprintingdownourstreetasI’mputtingRobbie’schairintothetrunkofmycar.Pressingthebuttontolowerthefalcon-wingdoors,Iclimbintothedriver’sseatandputthecarintoreverse,automaticallylockingallthedoors.
Hebangsonthewindow,pantingandmumblingsomethinginaudible.IlowerthewindowalittlesoIcanhearhim.“Don’tleavewithoutme,youdouchebag.”
“Hurryup!”Ibarkback,watchinghimfranticallyruntowardthefrontdoortogethisstuff.I’dfeelsorryforhimifIdidn’tknowhe’sbeentuckedupwithoneofthefootballcheerleaderssincelastnight.
Thiswholesituationwithsharingarinkmeanswe’retrainingatdifferenttimeseachday.Sinceit’stechnicallytheirarena,CoachBradydemandedweworkaroundtheskaters’scheduledtraining.Alotofthemhavecompetitionscomingupandshearguedanythinglessthanourtotalagreementwasn’tgoingtoworkforher.
AubreyBradyisafuckingterrifyingwoman,andshehasFaulkner’sballsinanironvice.Assoonasshefoundoutwhyourrinkwastrashed,sheusedittobullySkinnerintobowingtohereverydemand,andnowsheownsus.
Ican’tblameher,she’slookingoutforherathletes,butawkwardlybrushingpastStassieeverydaygotoldquickly.Seeinghowhotsheisinherskatingstuffgotoldquickly.Watchingherjokearoundwithherdickheadskatingpartner,youguessedit,old.
Quickly
Shelooksatmelikeshewantstosetmeonfiremostofthetime,oralternatively,shedoesn’tlookatmeatall.Thegirlknowshowtoholdagrudge,witheveryoneexceptHenryapparently.
Lastweek,HenrysawAnastasiastudyinginthelibraryalone.Heboughtheracoffee,explainedabouttheRusssituation,apologizedprofusely,sayinghetotallyunderstoodwhyshewassoupset,andnowhe’stheonlyoneofusinhergoodgraces.
“Whydoyoualwayswantgirlswhodon’tlikeyou?”Henryaskedmeasshestompedpastusoneafternoon,stillmanagingtoflashhimasweetsmile.“Summer,Kitty,Anastasia…Why?”
“Fuckinghell,Hen,”JJsplutteredout,chokingonhiswater.“Kicktheguywhilehe’sdown,whydon’tyou.”
“Idon’tknow,kiddo,”Iconfessed,wrappingmyarmaroundhisshouldersashischeeksflushedattheguyslaughing.“YoufindmeanicegirlwholikesmebackandI’llgiveitashot.”
JJsnorted.“He’snotafuckingmiracleworker,Hawkins.”
Robbieclaimshecouldbeinhergoodgracesifhewantedtobe,andJaidensaidheprefersbeingthemysteriousbadboyanyway.Asforme,Icouldbowdownatherfeetandapologize,butIthinkshe’duseitasanexcusetokickmeinthehead.
Parkingupoutsidetherink,IlettheguysknowI’llseetheminthere,quicklyclimbingouttojogtowardthedoor.She’sthrowingherskatesintoherbagwhenIpushthroughthedoors,hereyesflickupinresponsetothenoise,butshegrimaceswhensherealizesit’sme.
Charming.
Isitonthebenchbesideherbagandclearmythroat.“Anastasia?”
Hereyeslockwithmine,plushlipsimmediatelypouting.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Ineedafavor.”
“No”
“Youhaven’tevenheardwhatitisyet.”
“Don’tneedto.Theanswerisno.”
“WhatifItoldyouit’ssuperimportanttobothofourbestfriend’shappiness?”
Shesighs,anoiseI’musedtohearingnow,puttingherhandsonherhips.“I’llbite.Goon.”
“It’sRobbie’stwenty-firstbirthdayonSaturdayandI’mthrowinghimasurpriseparty.He’dlikeSabrinathere,couldyoupassonthemessage?You’reinvited,too,obviously.”
“Fine.”
Success,maybe.“Sweet,thanks.It’sVegasthemed,soblacktie.Freebar,pokertables,allthefunstuff.Ihopeyouguyscome;it’llmakeRobbieveryhappy.”
“Okay.”Shestrutsofftowardtheopeningdoors,theguyscomingthroughatthesametime.ShepatsHenry’sarmandmurmurs“Hi”asshepasseshim,andthekid’scheeksflushagain.
Whenshe’sofficiallyoutofearshot,JJtrapsmeinaheadlock,cacklingasIfighthimoff.“You’relosingyourtouch,Hawkins.Thekidhasmoregamethanyou.”
“I’mnottryingtodateher,”Henrysaysquickly,scratchingathisjawnervously.“I’mtryingtobenicetoher,y’know,soshelikesusagain.She’sgotaboyfriendanyway.”
“He’sherskatingpartner,notherboyfriend.Shedoesn’thaveaboyfriend,shetoldmesoherself.”
Henryshakeshishead.“Nothim,RyanRothwell.Isawthemhugginglastweek.”
“Huggingsomeoneishardlythesignofarelationship,Hen.KrisandMattiewouldbeinarelationshipwithhalfthecampus,ifthatwerethecase,”Robbiesayswithasnort.
“Theyweremakingoutandhewasgrabbingherass,”Henryadds.
Great
Aaronisstillfuckingaboutontheicewhenwe’reallreadytostartpractice.He’sanobnoxiousprickandItrulycannotstandtheguy.It’sgotnothingtodowithStassie,either,hegivesmetheworstvibesimaginable,andit’senoughformetohatehim.Obviously,itdoesn’thelphefuckedusalloverwithhisbigmouth.
IknowIsaiditwasn’tabouther,butonethingIdon’tlikeabouthimishowhespeakstoAnastasiawhenthey’reskating.Igavehimthebenefitofthedoubtatthepartybecausehewasclearlywasted,butbecauseoftheirclassschedules,alotofthetimetheirsessionispreorpostours.
Whenwe’reeitherearlyorfinishingup,Ihearhimtellinghernottobesloppythissessionortellinghershe’llgetitoneofthesedaysintheworld’smostpatronizingtone.
It’sshitty,butit’snoneofmybusiness.She’snotthetypeofgirlwhoneedsdefending,andifIweretotry,it’dprobablylandmehigherupherhitlist.
Whenhehearsuscoming,hefinallyskatestotheedge.He’swearingthesmuggestgrinwhenhespotsme.He’salreadymassivelytestingmypatience,andhehasn’tevenopenedhismouth.I’msureifIpunchedhim,I’dfeelbetter.ButthinkingbacktowhatFaulknersaidaboutbehaving,Itakeadeepbreathinstead.See?Icanbeanadult.
“She’snotgoingtofuckyou.You’rewastingyourtime.”
“Excuseme?”
Don’tpunchhim.Don’tpunchhim.Don’tpunchhim.
“Youheardme.”Hesitsonthebenchandstartstounlacehisskate,notbotheringtolookatmyshockedface.
TheguysaredraggingthegoalsontotheiceandRobbieistalkingtoFaulkner,otherwise,I’dbelookingforconfirmationIwashearingthisjackasscorrectly.
“Youmightthinkshe’splayinghardtoget,butshe’snot.Theiciestthingaboutherisherheart.She’lldragyoualonglikeshedoesRothwell,sosaveyourselfthetrouble.”
Thisfuckingguy.
“You’readick,doyouknowthat?”Itellhimbrazenly.
Hethrowshisskateinhisbagandswitchestotheotherone,lookingupatmetogrin.“Truthhurts,buddy.”
“I’mnotyourfuckingbuddy.”Iclenchmyfist,desperatelytryingtokeepmytemperatbay.“Andifyoutalkaboutherlikethatagain,you’regoingtobepickingyourteethupfromthatrink.”
Hegivesmeasicklysweetsmile.Myfingerscrunch,I’mclenchingmyfistsotightly,buthe’sunfazedenoughtobumpintomyshoulderashepassesme.Ashereachestheexit,heturnstofaceme.“I’mgoingtoenjoywatchingherturnyouintoasimperingfool,justtodropyoulikeshedoeseveryoneelse.Happyskating.”SEVEN|ANASTASIA
Teambuilding.
Twowords.Twelveletters.Twohoursofhell.
“We’regoingtobedoingsomeicebreakeractivities,”Bradyannouncestotheroom.ShesoundsasenthusiasticasIfeel;Iknowshedoesn’twanttodothisbecauseshebitchedtomeaboutitonthewayhere.CoachFaulknerisstandingbyherside,alsolookinglikehe’dratherbeanywhereelse.
DavidSkinner—whoisbecomingapaininmyass—wantstoseeanimprovementinthedynamicbetweenourtwogroups.BradytoldmeSkinnerhappenedtodropinwhenRuhi,oneoftheyoungersoloskaters,wasarguingwithoneofthehockeyguysforinterruptingherskate.SkinnergottowitnessRuhi’screativeuseofhockey-basedinsults.
Sonow,we’reteambuilding.
WhatagreatuseoftimeIcouldbespendingdoinganythingelse.Imayaswellthrowoutmyplannersincenobodyseemstogiveashitaboutmyroutineanymore.
Faulknerclearshisthroat,lookingtoBradyforguidance.Helooksoutofplaceanywherethatisn’tanicerink,andifIwasn’tsomiserableaboutbeingstuckintheawardsroomagain,I’dprobablyfinditfunny.
“I’msureallofyouhaveheardofspeeddating,”Bradysays.“Myskaters,you’regoingtoeachsitatatable.Hockeyteam,youwillmovefromtabletotableeveryfiveminutes.”
“Areminder:thisisnotrealdating,”Faulknerbellows,finallysayingsomething.“Thegoalistogettoknoweachotherbetter.Discussyouraspirations,yourhobbies,yourdog’sname,Idon’tcare,butkeepitrespectful.Hughes,Hudson,Carter,andJohal,tobeclear,I’mspecificallytalkingtoyoufour.”
Thefourguyseachpretendtobeshocked,gainingalaughfromtherestoftheirteammates.
“Thisisajoke.”Aarongroans.“We’renotkids.”
AsmuchasitpainsmetoagreewithAaron,Isortofdo.He’sbeenonhisbestbehaviorforthepastthreeweeks,andhe’sbeenanabsolutedreamtobewith.HeeventreatedmeandBrintodinneratAiko,afancyJapaneserestaurantIwouldn’tbeabletoaffordotherwise.
HeseemstohaveturnedthingsaroundandI’msograteful.Ihaven’tseenRyanalotbecausehe’sbeenspendingalotoftimewithOlivia,butwhenhedoescomeover,Aaronhasbeennice.ItrytoseethepositivessoAarondoesn’tgetgrumpy.“Itmightbefun.Someofthemarenice.”
IhavethesoftestsoftspotforHenryTurner,oneofthesophomoresonthehockeyteam.Iwasstressingovermycorporatesocialresponsibilityessayinthelibrarywhenheapproachedme,sportingaworriedlook.Heintroducedhimself,explaininghewasontheteamandhe’dheardwhathappened.Hesaidhecouldn’ttellmetoomuch,buthewantedtoexplain.
Thenheproceededtotellmeeverythingabouteveryone.
HenrystartedwithexplainingthatNathanputanendtothepranktraditionstheminutehebecamecaptain.Hepromisedtherewasnothingtheteam—includingNathan—couldhavedonetopreventthisdisaster.
Russ,theimpregnator—ornotimpregnatorasitturnsout—hasadifficulthomelife,whichhe’smanagedtoescapebyworkingexceptionallyhardtogetafull-ridescholarship.
Nathanknewthatifpeoplefoundout,Russmightlosehisscholarship,andwithhisparentsbeingunabletocoverhistuition,he’dhavenochoicebuttoheadbacktothelifehe’sworkedsohardtogetawayfrom.Nathandidn’teventrusthisownteamwiththeinformation,that’showprotectiveheisofRuss,despitehisindiscretions.
HenrywantedmetoknowthatRussisn’tsomecockytrustfundkid,he’squietandtriestokeepoutoftrouble,andHenrycanrelatetothatbecausehe’sthesame.Hedidn’tmakeanyfriendsfreshmanyear;eventhoughhe’sfromMapleHills,collegewasoverwhelmingforhim.
Hehateddormsbutwithoutfriendstolivewith,hewasgoingtohavetostayonormovehome.Nathanofferedhimaroomintheirhouse,eventhoughasophomorelivingwithseniorsisunheardofontheirteam.Thatwashisbasisfortellingmehowmuchofagoodguyhiscaptainis,andwhileI’mmadnow,Ishouldtrytogivehimachance.
AftertellingmegossipaboutalltheteammembersIdon’tknowyet,hefinishedoffhisspeechbytellingmeIwasthemostbeautifulfigureskaterhe’deverseen.Hequicklyfollowedthatbyclarifyinghemeantmyperformance,notmyappearance,andthatwhenI’mnotlandingonmyassorlookinglikeababygiraffe,myperformanceisexceptional.
AndifIwasn’tenamoredwithhimenough,heboughtmeacoffeeandhelpedmestudy.
Bradyclapsherhandstogetusallmoving.ItakeaseatontheothersideoftheroomtoAaron.Hemightbebeingfriendlyatthemoment,butitdoesn’tmeanIwanttohavehimlisteninginonmyconversations.
Icandofive-minuteconversations,right?That’sonlytwoandahalfminuteseach.Icantalkaboutmyselfforthatlong.It’sgoingtobefine.
Ithink.
Myfirstdatetakesaseatinfrontofme,immediatelymakingmefeelrelaxedwithahugesmile.Hisbuzzcutisbleachedblond,thegolden-brownskinofhisarmsiscoveredinintricateblacktattoos,whichIcanseebecausethesecondhesatdown,herolleduphissleevesandwinkedatme.Hisjawlineiscoveredinshortstubbleandhehasasmallsilvernosering.Helookslikethetypeofguyyoucouldgetintoheapsoftroublewith,butinagoodway.
Heholdsoutahandformetoshake,whichfeelsoddlyformal.“JaidenJohal,butyoucancallmeJJ.”
Thisfeelsawkward,butIgoforitanyway.“AnastasiaAllen.Stassieisfinetoo.”
“Oh,I’mmorethanawareofwhoyouare.ImakeitmymissiontoknowanywomanthatputsNateHawkinsinhisplace.I’mabigfan.”
I’mblushing,great.“Thanks?Ithink.Tellmeaboutyourself.We’vegottafillfiveminutessomehow.”
Theroomisfilledwiththesoundofpeoplechatting,whichisapositivesign.JJstretchesouthislegs,gettingcomfortableinhisseat.“I’mtwenty-one.I’maScorpiosun,moon,andrising.I’mfromNebraska,whichifyou’veeverbeentoNebraska,you’llknowthereisnothingtofuckingdo.”Herubshispalmagainsthisface,pausingtothinkofwhattosaynext.“Iplaydefense,I’mgoingtoSanJoseMarlinswhenIgraduate,Ihatepickles.Faulknersaidweweren’tallowedtotalkaboutsexualstuff,soIdon’tknowwhatelsetosay.”
Lookingattheclockonmyphone,we’vecoveredninetyseconds.
“I’mtwenty-one.I’mfromSeattle,I’manonlychild,IworkatSimone’sRink.I’vebeenfigureskatingsinceIwasakid,alwayspairskating,andI’vebeenskatingwithAaronsincefreshmanyear.”Ishiftinmyseatuncomfortably,wishingJJwasstilltalkingabouthimself.“OurgoalisTeamUSA,wewannabeatthenextOlympics.”Whyisthissohard?“Istudybusiness.Youwannaknowmybigthree?”
Henodsenthusiastically.“Obviously.”
“Virgosunandrising,cancermoon.”Hehissesandshakeshisheadimmediately.“What?”
“Cancermoon.Redflag.”
“FromthetripleScorpio?”
Jaidenholdsuphishandsdefensively,wideninghishazeleyes.“I’llhaveyouknowweareincrediblymisunderstood.”
Lookingattheclockagain,we’vegotoneminuteleft.“Sixtyseconds.Anythingelse?”
Herubshishandstogetherinawaythatmakesmeworriedaboutwhathe’sabouttoask.“Wouldyourather…haveafishheadbutyourbody,orwouldyouratherhaveyourheadbutafishbody?”
AtleastthirtysecondspasswhereIstareathim,unabletoformulatearesponse.Hetapsatthewatchonhiswrist.“Ticktock,Stassie.Time’salmostup.”
“Idon’tknow.”
“Ten,nine,eight,seven…”
“Fishheadwithmybody.Ithink.God,that’sdisgustingtovisualize.”
“Greatchoice,”hepraises,lookingsatisfiedwithmyanswer.Bradyblowsherwhistle,indicatingforeveryonetoswitch.HewinksatmeagainandI’mdefinitelyblushing.“Ihopetoseemoreofyousoon.”
Timefliesaseachguysitsatmytablebeforemovingon.Threefreshmenaskedformynumber,aguycalledBobbyspentourfiveminutestalkingaboutagirlinsteadofhimself,andwhenaguycalledMattierealizedwe’reonthesamecourse,hespentfiveminutesaskingmetoexplainourlatestassignmentandwritingtheanswersonhisphone.
Robbieapproachesmytablewhenthewhistleblows,andit’snicetoseesomeoneIkindofknow.“Anastasia.”
“Robbie.Fancymeetingyouhere.”
SabrinaandRobbiemightbeathing,I’mnotsure.She’snotevensure.Thesecondshefoundoutwe’dbeteambuildingtogether,Iwasgivenstrictinstructionstofindout.“Howareyou?”
“I’mgood.I’mhopingyou’regoingtospendthenextfourminutesand—”helooksathiswatch,“—twenty-eightsecondstalkingaboutyourroommate.”
She’sgonnalosehermindwhenIgethome.It’stheeasiestfourminutesofmylife;Brinisanopenbook,whatyouseeiswhatyouget.Talkingabouthertosomeoneelseiseasy,becauseshelikeseverythingandshe’sthemostlovingandsupportivefriendever.
I’mashamedtosay,JoeandKrisareveryfunnyandhadmeslappingmyhandovermymouthtostoplaughing,whichissoannoyingbecauseIhadnointentionofaddingotherhockeyplayerstomyapprovedlist.
ItwasgoingtobeHenryonly,forever.
Tenminutesoflaughingwaswell-timed,becauseI’minagoodmoodwhenRusssitsatmytable.
Itfeelspointlessdescribinghockeyplayersatthispoint,becausetheonlywordthatevercomestomindisbig.Russisnodifferent,buttheonethingthatsetshimapartfromhisfriendsishisbabyface.Unliketherestoftheteam,thereisnostubbleinsight.Hiseyesarebigandsoft—likeapuppy
I’venevernoticedbefore,butI’vealsoneverseenhimupclose.Helooksnervousashell,too,andIthinkbacktowhatHenrytoldmeabouthimbeingaquietguy.“I’mStassie.Russ,right?”
Henods,thetipsofhisearsreddening.“Yeah.It’snicetomeetyou.Doyouwannatalkaboutyourselforsomething?Idon’thaveanythinginterestingtotellyou.”
Oh,Russ,whydidyouhavetobelikeatimidanimalwhenIwanttobemadatyou?
IlaunchintothesamespielI’vegiveneveryotherguy;heasksfollow-upquestionsthatkeepmetalking,andbythetimethewhistlegoesandhe’smovingon,Istilldon’tknowanythingabouthim.“Itwasnicetomeetyou,”hesaysgentlyasheleaves.
Theactivityisnearlyover,andI’mincrediblyannoyedthatit’ssortofhadthedesiredeffect.It’shardtobegrudgelettingtheguyssharetherinkafteryou’veheardallabouttheiraspirationsandmotivations.
Imean,Isaidit’shard.It’snotimpossible.
Throughtheprocessofelimination,IknowI’veonlygottwopeopleleft.Mysocialbatteryiswavering,butItrytopushthrough,becauseIknowit’sworthitwhenHenrydropshimselfintotheseatinfrontofme.
“Thisisunnecessary,isn’tit?”hemutters,placinghiselbowsonthetabletoresthisheadinhishands.“WhydoIneedtoknowwhatsomeone’schildhoodpetiscalledorwhentheirbirthdayis?Theonlypersonwhocaresaboutthatinformationisahacker.AndIdon’tevenlikecomputers.”
I’minshock.
Duringthefewone-on-oneencounterswe’vehad,Henrywascalmandsolaidbackhewaspracticallyhorizontal.ItappearsSkinnerhasfoundthethingtogetunderhisskin—forcedsocialization.
“Pleasedon’ttellmeaboutyourpets,Anastasia,”hebegs,brushinghishandoverhisshort,auburncurls,sighingheavily.“Idon’thavetheenergytopretendtocare.”
“Youwannasitinsilence?Youonlyhaveonemorepersonafterme.Youcanhavealittlepre-finalebreak.”
“That’sagoodidea,thanks.”
HenryshutshiseyesandIhavenochoicebuttojustwatchhimhaveamicronap.Ifeellikeacreep,butequally,whatelseamIsupposedtodo?Hecouldgointomodelingifhockeydoesn’tworkoutforhim.Perfectlysymmetricalface,smooth,glowybrownskin,themostdefinedcheekbonesI’veeverseenonaman.He’sbeautiful.
“Icanfeelyoustaringatme.Canyoustop?”
I’mgladhekeepshiseyesclosed,thatwayhecan’tseetheveryaggressiveshadeofredmyfaceturns.Brady’swhistleblowsandHenrystrutsoffwithonlyaglanceinmydirection.
There’sonlyonepersonIhaven’tfacedyetandit’stheonepersonI’vebeendreading.Hetakesforever—orwhatfeelslikeforever,atleast—totakeaseat.He’sinaMapleHillsTitansT-shirtandgraysweats,andIhatemyselfforbeingawomanswayedbyamaningraysweatpants.Shit.No,therewillbenoswaying
“Hi,”hesayscheerfully.“I’mNathanHawkins.”
“You’replayingitlikethat,areyou?”
Heignoresmyquestionsandquirksaneyebrow.“Andyouare?”
“Nathan,whatareyoudoing?”Iask,foldingmyarmsandleaningbackinmyseat.Hemirrorsme,foldinghisownarms.Toanoutsider,weprobablylookliketheleastapproachabletable,whichtobefair,wemightbe.
“We’restartingover.Everyonelovesafreshstart,right?Let’shaveone.Youcan’tstaymadforever.”
“Iwasplanningtostaymadlongerthanforever,soIfeellikeyou’remassivelyunderestimatingme.”HestartslaughingandIdon’tknowwhattodowithmyself,becausemyfaceisfightingtosmiletoo.
Damnit.
“Yourcommitmenttothecauseisadmirable,Allen,”heteases.“Ialreadyknowyou’reafigureskater,you’restudyingbusiness,andyou’refromSeattle.I’vefoundoutthatyoucanbeterrifying,butyoucanalsobesweet.”Myeyebrowsimmediatelyshootup,confused,soheclarifies.“ToHenry,nottome.”
“Henryhasbeennicetome.”
Hisfacesinksalittle,thecharmingfa?adeslipping.“Iwanttobenicetoyou.Look,I’msorryIliedtoyou.MyhandsweretiedandIhadtoputRussfirst.Ihonestlydowanttobeyourfriend,Anastasia.”
“Iknow,Igetit.Youdon’tknowme,can’ttrustmeorwhatever,andthat’sfine.Iunderstandthat,butItriedtosharehowIwasfeelingsoyoucouldseemyside,andyouimmediatelybrusheditoffasanoverreaction.”
Ifeelna?vesharingthis,butI’vehadenoughtherapyinmylifetoknowIshouldtrytocommunicatemyfeelings.Well,whenI’mnotbeingpetty.PeoplekeeptellingmeNathanisagoodguy,soI’mgivinghimtheopportunitytobeone.
“Icanseewhythatwouldmakeyouwanttostayawayfromme.”Hishandsinksintohishair,tuggingwithwhatlookslikeannoyanceathimself.“I’msorry,it’snotokaythatIdidthat.Canwestartagain?”
Brady’swhistleblowsforthefinaltime,buthedoesn’tmove.Hewaitsformetoanswer,hisbrowneyespracticallystaringintomyfreakingsoul.
“You’reonprobation.”
Heatcreepsbacktomycheekswhenhegivesmethebrightestsmile.“I’mgonnanailit.”
“Youbetter.”
Shit,shit,shit.EIGHT|NATHAN
Robbiewasright;partyplanningishard.
However,dealingwithhimhasbeenthehardestparttoday.WehadanarrangementthatJoeandMattieweregoingtokeephimbusyallday,whiletherestofuswaitedforeverythingtobedeliveredandsetup.
Itwasaperfectplan.
UntilRobbiedecidedheneededtostayhomeforthedeliveryofsomethinghe’dordered.Mestayinghomewasn’tenough,hehadtostayhomehimself.
AfterJoe,RobbieisthesmartestguyIknow,whichishowIknowhe100percentwasdoingittostressusallout.Eventually,hewentwiththeguysandthirtysecondslater,thedeliverydriverpulledupwiththetables.ThedeliveryRobbiewassupposedlyexpectingneverarrived.
Prick
EverytimeIthinkIknoweverythingthereistoknowaboutmyfriends,wedosomethingliketrytoturnthehouseintoacasino,andIlearnhowannoyingtheyalltrulyare.
Thehouselooksfantastic.Ihaven’tsparedanexpenseandIdon’tregretitonebit.Asmuchasheirritatesthehelloutofme,Robbiedeservesit.
ThesmartestdecisionImadewastohireafullystockedandmannedbar.Theysetuponthedecking,outsideoftheFrenchdoorsfromthekitchen,anditlooksamazing.BobbyandKrishadagreattimenamingthecocktails,andIthinkwhenRobbiehearssomeoneorderTheJerseyChaserorTheJudgeJudy,he’sgoingtobehappy.
We’veallcollectivelyagreedtonotexplainTheJudgeJudy’sorigin.It’smorefuntoletpeopleguess,buttherealansweris,whenRobbiewasinthehospitalafterhisaccident,allhewatchedforweekswasJudgeJudy
Now,whenhe’shungover,heliesonthecouchinthelivingroomandwatcheshisfavoriteshow.Nobodyisallowedtotalkduringit,andnobodyiseverallowedtodisagreewithherdecision.
Henrydidn’trealizewhatwashappeningwhenhefirstmovedinwithus,andI’mnotsurehedoesnow,butheknowstostayquietliketherestofus.
“Welookhot,”JJpraises,lookingateachofusinourtuxedos.Theguysareduebackrightbeforethepartystarts,sotheywillhavetimeforashowerandtochangeintotheirtuxes.WeallwantedtobereadytogivethefullVegaseffectwhenRobbiegetsback.
“DoyouthinkSabrinaandAnastasiawillcome?”Henryasks,fiddlingwithhisbowtie.
“Ihopeso,buddy.RobbiewantsSabrinahereandIdon’twannalethimdownonhisbirthday.”
“NothingtodowithyouwantingtokissandmakeupwithStas,then?”Bobbylaughs.
Myeyebrowraises.“SincewhenwassheStas?”
“We’refriendsnow.Icebreakershitworked;Ilikeher.”
Ohgreat.
Luckily,theguysgetback,andshortlyafter,thepartyisinfullswing,whichdoesn’tgivemetimetodwellonmyfriendsbeingso-calledfriendswithAnastasia.
Makingthispartyinviteonlywasoneofmysmarterideas.Tostartwith,youwouldnevermutterthewordsfreebaronthiscampusunlessyouwantedtobebankrupted.
Second,itmeantIcouldstickTim,oneoftherookies,onthedoorwithaguestlist.NowIdon’tneedtoworryabouttroublemakersgettinginandruiningthings.
Tim’ssuccessasgatekeeperisheavilyreliantonhimbeingnexttothefrontdoor,sothefactIcanseehimstridingacrossthedenwithhisclipboarddoesn’tgivememuchhopeaboutsecurity.“What’swrong?”
“Nothing’swrong,Cap.Sorta.Thosegirlsyoutoldmetowatchoutforarrived.SabrinaAllaliandAnastasiaAllen.”
ThankGod.“Right,what’stheproblem?”
“Well,Itoldthemtocomefindyou,likeyoutoldmeto,an—”
“Spititout,Tim.”
“Sabrina,well,shetoldmetotellyouifyouwanttogiveherorders,youshouldputheronthegoddamnteam.”
OhmanIlovethatRobbiehasfoundhimselfagirlwhoisgoingtoabsolutelywraphimaroundherfinger.
“Messagereceived.Wherearetheynow?”
“Thebar,Cap.”
SendingTimbackofftohispost,IkeepaneyeonthedoorstothebackyardwhileIcarryonwithmygameofpoker.
Thehouseisfullofpeoplecrowdingaroundvariousgametables,drinking,laughing.Itriedhardtomakesurenothinglookedtacky,evenwhenJJtriedtoconvincemetohireanElvisimpersonatorwhocandoweddings.MeaccidentallyendingupmarriedtoJJfeltliketoomuchofarisk,soIputmyfootdownandsaidno.
Ihaven’tseenthemcomebackinsideandit’sbeenoveranhour.WhenIfinallymakemywaytothebar,Henry,Robbie,andJaidenhavealreadybeatenmetofindingthegirls.
“Youlookverynicetoday.Notatalllikeababygiraffe,”IhearHenrysayingtoStassieasIapproachthefiveofthem.JJbeginstochokeonhisdrink,butshedoesn’tseemtomindbeingcomparedtoagiant,wobblyanimal.
“Doyoufeelbetternowyoucan’tspoilthesurprise?”sheasks,eyesflickingovertomeasIstopbesidehim,thenbacktoHenry.Ifeellikeeveryone,exceptRobbie,knowshowworriedHenryhasbeenandhasbeenrootingforhim.
“Ifeelmuchbetter,thankyou.”
NowI’mupcloseIcanseehowfuckingbreathtakingshelooks.Hairinperfectcurlsdownherback,silknavy-bluedresscutlowatthefrontandback,withasplitallthewayuptothetopofherthigh.Butaboveallelse,she’sgrinningeartoear.Happinessispracticallyradiatingoffherasshechatsawaywithmyfriends.
Ican’thelpbutwatchherwithagoofysmileonmyface,andIknowshemustnoticeitbecauseeverynowandagainhereyesfloatovertome,butI’mtooscaredtosayanythingandruinthismoment.
Lookingathermakesmewanttobethefunniestguyintheroom,soIcanbetheonetomakeherlaugh.ButI’mgoingtohavetosettleforhernotscowlingatmefornow.
ThiswholethingwasaboutgettingSabrinahereforRobbie,andI’veachievedit.She’spulledupachairbesidehimandthey’rewhisperingawaytogether,intheirownlittleworld.I’mhappyforhim,albeitalittlejealous.
Anastasiarubsherhandsupanddownherarms,andIquicklyrealizeforsomeonewearingnotthatmuch,it’scoldouthere.“Here,”Isay,shruggingoffmytuxedojacket.“Takethis.”
HermouthopensandIrecognizethatlook;Ihaveafightcomingmyway.Buttomysurprisesheclosesit,acceptingmyoffer.Shedrapesitoverhershouldersandtightensitacrossherfront.“Thankyou,Nathan.”
“Let’sgetadrink,Hen,”JJsays,pattinghimontheback.
“ButIhaveadrinkandsodoyou.”
JJsighs,draggingHenrytowardthenearestserver,mutteringsomethingaboutdiscretion.
I’veneverbeennervoustotalktoawomanbefore.IknowIneedtotryhardwithAnastasiaifwe’reevergoingtobefriends.Ican’tstomachthenextfewweeks,ormonths,withtheweirdtensionbetweenus.Especiallynowallmyteammatesaremakingprogresswithher.
Plus,shesaidI’monprobationsoI’vegottotrysomething.
“Youlookbeautiful.”Weakstart,Hawkins.“Areyouhavingagoodtime?”
“Yeah,Iam.It’sashameyouhadtobetheonetothrowit.Havingtogiveyoucreditismyonlycriticism.”
Herwordsseemharsherthantheyactuallyare.They’redefiant,butwhattheydon’tshowisthewayhereyesarefuckinggleaming,andthewayherteethsinkintoherlipwhileshewaitsformetorespond.
Godbless,Patrón
“Ithoughtwehadatruce.I’monprobation,you’resupposedtobebeingnice.”Ichuckle,watchinghertrynottolaugh.
“Thisismebeingnice!”
“Thisisyourversionofnice?Youfuckingsuckatit,Allen.”
“Isaidyouwereonprobation,notme.”
Itutplayfully.“I’mgoingtoteachyouhowtobenice.”
“I’msurethereareplentyofthingsyoucanteachme,Nathan,butbeingniceisn’toneofthem.I’madelight.”
“Mhm.Ithinkdelightmightbeastretch.”Shesmiles.Arealonethatlightensupherwholeface,andIfinallyfeellikeI’mgettingsomewhere.“Whatthingswouldyoulikemetoteachyou?”
Shenodstowardthehouse.“Howaboutwestartwithpoker?”
BeforeIcanrespond,Henryreappears,nowcarryingadrinkineachhand.“I’mupforpoker.”
“Great.”Iforceasmile,tryingnottooutwardlygrimaceattheinterruption.“Let’ssetupatable.”
Everyonesettlesaroundatableintheden,andcardsaredealt.Inrecordtime,ittakesroughlytwentyminutesforthebirthdayboytoditchus,notalone,obviously.
I’mgratefulbecauseitmeanshemissesAnastasiahustlingmeoutoftwo-hundredbucks.Teachherhowtoplaypoker,myass.I’lladdactresstoherlistofskillsbecauseItrulybelievedshe’dneverplayedbefore.Shecalledtheclubaclover,forfuck’ssake;shewasveryconvincing.Well,upuntilsheputdownhercardsandwipedthefloorwithme.
“Whereareyougoing?”IaskStassieasshestandsfromthetable.
“Tousethebathroom,I’llbeback.”
Standing,too,IgivemychipstoBobby.“Thelinewillbehuge.Youcanusemine,comeon.”
Sheacceptsmyoutstretchedhandwithouthesitation,andthisallfeelsfamiliar.I’mhopingthisnightendswithusbeingfriendsthough,insteadofhowitendedafewweeksago.
Apparently,Ididn’tlearnmylessonlasttimeandnowIhaveAnastasia’sassinmyfaceagainaswewalkupthestairs.Thestilettosshe’ssomehowmanagingtowalkinarehuge,soshenavigatedmyhandstothecurveofherwaisttohelphergetupthestepssafely.
Thesilkofherdressissoftundermyfingers,herbodywarm.Everystepshetakes,herhairswishesinfrontofmeandthestronghoneyandstrawberrysmellofhershampooinvadesmynose.
Thereareworseproblemstohave.
Reachingmyroomfinally,Ipunchinthecodeandusherherthroughthedoor.Inaway,it’snicetohaveheralonetohopefullytalkwithher.Theguysarelikegoldenretrieverpuppies,allfightingforherattention.
Itmustgetexhaustingforher.It’sexhaustingtowatch,plusitfuckingsucksformebecauseI’mdefinitelyruntofthelitterasfarasshe’sconcerned.
Stoppinginhertrackswhensheexitsthebathroomandspotsmesittingonthebed,herhandsgotoherhips.“Iwasn’tgoingtosnoop.”
“Ithoughtyoumightwantsomepeaceandquietfromyourfans.”
Hershouldersdrop,herbodyrelaxing.“Ilikethemall,butsocialsettingssometimesdrainme.”
“Igetit.They’realot,yougetusedtoitthough,andifyoudon’t,Icanalwayshelpyouescapethem.”
“WhatifI’mtryingtoescapeyou?”
“Youdefinitelydon’tneedmyhelp.You’reon,like,expertlevelnoworsomething.”
Shelaughsand,myGod,thatnoise.I’veneverenjoyedmakingsomeonelaughthewayIdoher.It’sbecauseshemakesmeworkforeverylaughandsmile,thecompetitivesideofmebuzzeswhenImanageit.Takingaseatatmydesk,shetellsmeaboutshowsshedidwhenshewasyounger,andhowdrainingitwasbeingsurroundedbyhundredsofotheroverexcitedkids.
Isitandlistentoher,noddingandlaughing,freakingmesmerizedatherconfidenceandhercommitment,howsheviewsthingsandexplainsthem.
Whenshe’sdone,evenshelookslikeshedoesn’tknowwherethatcamefrom.Sheconcentratesonthecontentsofmydesk,proddingatatextbookaboutGodknowswhat.
“Idon’tmindifyousnoop,y’know.Youdidn’tcheckeverythinglasttime.”
“Idon’tneedtosnoop.IknoweverythingIneedtoknowaboutyou.”
Ican’tstopthesighthatescapesmewhenshestandsfromherseatandwalkstowardthebedroomdoor.Herhandreachesforthehandle,andIinstinctivelyleanforward,grippingherarmlightly.
Spinningtofaceme,herbackpressesintothedoor.“Areyouevergoingtoforgiveme?”
“Itoldyou,you’reonprobation.”
Rakingahandthroughmyhair,thegroanthatslipsoutispurefrustration.“Thatisn’tayes.DoIneedtogetonmykneesandbegyou,Anastasia?Isthatwhatyouwant?”
Sheshakesherheadandlaughs.“TheonlytimeIeverwanttoseeagrownmanonhiskneesinfrontofme,Nate,iswhenhisfaceisbetweenmylegs.Sono,Idon’twantyoutobegme.”
Ohfuck.
Standingfromthebed,Iimmediatelywatchherchange.Herbreathingdeepens,thighssqueezetogether,tonguepokesouttowetherlips.Ican’thelpbutsmirkbecauseI’vejustrealizedtheattractionmightnotbeasone-sidedasIthoughtitwas.
“Youdon’thatemelikeyoupretendyoudo,doyou?Ifyouwantmeonmyknees,Anastasia,wecanmakethathappen.”
Myhandspressagainstthedooroneithersideofherhead;Ileandownsowe’reeyelevel,herocean-blueeyesnowdark.Bythewayshegulps,IsuspectifIpressedmymouthtoherneck,I’dfeelherpulsehammeringerraticallyagainstmylips.
“I’mnotpretending.”
“Youare.”Watchingherfightherselfisthehottestthing,evenifshestickstoherguns,I’llbeleavingthisroomahappyman.Leaningforward,Iletmymouthlingerneartheshellofherear,mybreathticklingherneck.“Askmenicely.LetmeshowyouhowmuchIlikeitwhenyou’renice.”
“WhywouldIdothatwhenIdon’tlikeyou?”Herwordsarestrong,butherdeliveryisstrainedandwispy,givingheraway.
“Youdon’thavetolikemetoscreammyname,Anastasia.”
Ilightlytraceherjawlinewithmynose,enjoyingthewayherbreathinghitches.
“IcouldgiveyouamaptomyG-spot,andyoustillwouldn’tbeabletogetmeoff,Hawkins.”
“Idon’tneedamap.”
“Youdo.”
MymouthismillimetersfromhersandI’mnotgoingtobetheonetomakethefirstmove.Idon’tneedtobe;ifshewantsme,she’sabouttoshowme.
TheideaI’dneedamaptogetheroffislaughable,herthinkingIwouldn’tspendeverymomentlearningherbodybetterthanmyownisalsolaughable.
ThethingIlikeaboutherisshe’scompetitive,butI’mcompetitivetoo;Ialwayshavebeen.It’showI’vegottensogoodatwinning,andrightnow,we’recompetingtoseewhocanholdoutthelongest.
Loweringmyvoicetoawhisper,Igiveheronelastchance.“Let’stestthattheory,shallwe?”NINE|ANASTASIA
ThereisarealchanceIcouldspontaneouslyburstintoflamesatanymoment.
Nate’svoiceisbarelyaboveawhisperashesuggeststestinghistheory,butIfeeleverysyllableallovermyskinasgoosebumpsspreaddownmyneckandacrossmychest.Ihavebeenbetrayedbymybodyfromthesecondheputhishandsonbothsidesofmyheadandleanedin.
He’sbarelytouchedmeandyetI’mreadytomeltintoapuddleathisfeet.
Idon’tknowwhetherit’stheproximity,thesheeradrenaline,orthetequila,buteveryrationalthoughtdisappears,andIcrushmymouthagainsthis.
Hewastesnotimesinkinghishandintothehairatthenapeofmyneck,grippingtightly.Hisfreehandslipsaroundmybodyandpalmsmyass,makingmemoanintohismouth.
Nateiseverywhereatonce;allIcandoisholdontohimandtakeit,andwhenhismouthtravelsdownmyneck,suckingandnipping,I’mpracticallypanting.
Ididn’tthinkthiswouldhappenwhenIfollowedhimuphere,Iswear.Hejustlookssogoodinhistuxandwatchinghimnervouslycheckthepartyisgoingwellallnighthasbeensortofendearing.Andhe’shotasfuck,haveIsaidthatbefore?Alldarkhair,darkeyes,andmusclesuponmuscles,uponmuscles.
Hesinkstohiskneesinfrontofme,tuggingathisbowtieandundoingthetopbuttonofhisshirt.WithmessyhairfromwhereI’veheldontoitandflushedcheeks,helooksupatme.Hishandsrunfrommyankletomyknee,thenbackdownagain,andyep,stillclosetomeltingterritory.“Yousure?”
“Doyouhaveapenandpaperformetodrawyouamap?”
I’mmakingjokes.WhyamImakingjokes?WhydoIfindhowunimpressedwithmehelooksrightnowsofunny?Andhot?
“Idon’tjokeaboutconsent,Anastasia,”hesayssoftly,leaningforwardtokisstheinsideofmyknee.
“I’msure.”Idon’tknowwhyI’msure.I’msureIshouldn’tbesure.Ishouldn’tlikehowhelookshookingmylegoverhisshoulder.I’mdefinitelysureIshouldn’tbeenjoyinghistonguerunninguptheinsideofmythigh
Hepullsthematerialofthedresstotheside,andwhenIputonthisdressearlier,thisisnothowIsawtheeveningturningout.Ihearagroanofapprovalwhenhismouthgetsclosertotheapexofmythighs,andherealizesI’mnotwearinganypanties.
Theanticipationiskillingme.Iknowhe’sdoingitonpurpose,gettingcloserandcloser,butnotdoinganythingmeaningful.
I’mabouttoopenmymouthtotellhimtohurryupwhenhistonguerunsbetweenmyfolds,circlingmyclitslowly.Aloud,desperatemoanechoesaroundtheroom.Idon’tevenrealizethenoisecamefrommeuntilIfeelhisshouldersmovebecausethejackasslaughs.
Fingerstickleupthebackofmythighsuntiltheycan’tgoanyfarther.Hishugehandssinkintomyass,squeezingatthesametimehesucksmyclitintohismouthinawaythatmakesmefeellikeI’mfloating.
I’mawreck.Awrithing,moaning,shakingwreck.Shit.Idon’tevenneedtobelookingathisfacetorealizehowarrogantheisrightnow,notthatIcould—it’sburiedprettydeepbetweenmythighs.
Sinkingmyhandsintohishairforsomethingtoholdonto,asatisfiedgroanrumblesinhisthroatandthebutterfliesinmystomachfreakingmultiply.
Iwanttosaysomethingsmart,sasshiminsomeway.Notgivehimthesatisfactionofknowinghe’sturnedmeintoawhimperingmessinamatterofminutes.Backarchingawayfromthedoor,eyesrollingtothebackofmyhead,hairpullingmess.
Oneofhishandsmovesfrommyasscheeks,andwhenIlookdown,apairofbrowneyesarestaringbackatme.Theystayburningintome,watchingmecloselyastwoofhisfingersslideintome,findingmyG-spotin2.5seconds.
It’sgameover.
Hispaceincreasesashepumpshisfingersinandoutofme,perfectlycoordinatedwithhistongue,andifhewasn’tholdingupmyentirebodywithhismouth,I’dhavetoppledoverbynow.
Thefeelingkeepsbuilding,handstugharderathishairasIcryout,stilettoheeldiggingintothehardmusclesofhisbackasIdesperatelytrytomovemyhipstoridehisfingers.“Nathan…”Iwhimper.I’mwoundsoimpossiblytightIcan’tbreathe.“Nathan,I’mgoingtoco—”
Idon’tevengetthewordsoutaseverypartofmespasmsandIscream,everythingtinglingandthrobbingasItightenaroundhim,buckingandthrashing,pleasureandheatfloodingmyentirebody.
Removinghisfingersandmouth,heleansbacksohecanlookupatmeproperly,wearingthesmuggestexpressionI’veeverseenashesuckshisfingersintohismouth,notoncebreakingeyecontact.
Ohfuck.
***
It’sbeendayssincethepartyandeverydayIlearnsomethingnewaboutmyself.
Adisasterwilldothattoaperson.
ThefirstthingIlearnedwasI’mgoodatrunninginheels;IfoundthatoneoutwhenIsprintedfromNate’sroom.I’velearnedI’mnotgoodatkeepingalowprofile,evenwhenI’mactivelytryingtoavoidsomeone.I’vealsolearnedI’dbeaterriblecriminal;I’dendupgettingcaught.I’mtoojumpyandparanoid,whichiswhymyinstinctistoimmediatelypanicwhenIwakeuptothesoundofheavybangingonmybedroomdoor.
Ryan’sarmtightensaroundmywaist,headburrowingdeeperintomyneck,hisdeepgroanofannoyancevibratingagainstmyskin.“Makeitstop.”
Thereisonlyonepersoninthishousewhoisconfidentenoughtoslamtheirfistagainstsomeoneelse’sdoorthisearlyinthemorning.
“Whatdoyouwant,Sabrina?”
“AreyoutwofuckingorcanIcomein?”
RyanandIdidn’tevenhookuplastnight,wewatchedamovieandfellasleep.Weagreedthebenefitsaspectofourfriendshipwasovernowthathe’slookingtoaskOliviatobeexclusivewithhim.Idon’tfeelsadaboutitbecauseIalwaysknewit’dcometoanend.I’mhappyImanagedtogainabestfriendoutofwhat’sbeenanamazingsituation.
Ryanuntanglesourbodiesandrollsontohisbackwithahuff.“Ifwewerefucking,youjustkilledthemood.”
“Okay,I’mcomingin!Putyourdickaway,Rothwell.”
Carryingtwoboxesonherhip,Sabrinaburststhroughthedoorandthrowsherselfontothebed.SheshieldshereyesdramaticallywhenshegetsalookatRyan’sexposedchest.
Helooksatmeindisbelief,tuggingtheduvetuptocoverhimself.Hookingupornot,I’dhaveapictureofRyan’sbodyasmybedroomwallpaperifIcould.Sabrinaisridiculous.
“Howismyfavoritenot-couplethismorning?”sheaskscheerfully,throwingoneoftheboxesatme.“Wehavepresents!”
Ryanyawns,ensuringtokeephisbodycoveredashestretches.“Betterifyou’dwokenmeupwithm’shewshainsteadofaheadache.”
BrinmakingbreakfastisRyan’sfavoritethingaboutstayingover.Charming,isn’tit?
Sabrinatuts.“Nobodylikesadramaqueen,Rothwell.”
“Whoarethepresentsfrom?”Iask,examiningmysurnameontheboxinbigletters.
“Nate.”Shetapsawayonherphone,thesignaturevideocallsoundstarting.“Wehavetoopenthemonavideocall.”
Videocall?“Brin,wai—”
“Goodmorning,”Robbiesays.“You’rebeautifulinthemorning.”
“She’sgotanaudience,”Igrumblebeforethephonesexstarts.
“SohaveI,”hesaysback.SabrinaturnsaroundsoherbackistomeandRyan,sheholdsherphoneupandmanagestogetthethreeofusintheshot.
Robbiedoesthesamething,showinghehasNateandJJoneithersideofhim,eatingwhatlookslikecereal.JJlooksupfromhisbowltothecameraandchokes.Nathanlooksup,too,hisexpressionisblank.Robbieignoreshimandtalkslouderoverthenoise.“Openyourpresentsnow.”
“Here,Rothwell,”Brinsays,turningbackaroundandleaningtohandRyanthephone.“Makeyourselfusefulandbethecameraman.”
Finally,afterwhatfeelslikehourssinceBrincrashedherwayin,Iriptheboxopen.IfeelweirdopeningwhatissupposedtobeagiftfromNathanwhilesittinginbedwithRyan.Ihavenoreasontofeelweird,butIdo.
Ohwait,itmightbebecauseI’vebeenavoidingNatesincehegavemethebestheadofmylifefivedaysago,andthefirsttimeheseesmeafterward,I’minbedwithsomeoneelse.Maybethat’sit.
Dippingmyhandsintothebox,Ipulloutitscontents—aTitanshockeyjersey.
Brinsquealsexcitedly,holdinguphermatchingone.AllaliisprintedonthebackandwhenIflipmineover,Allenisstaringbackatmeinbigwhiteletters.“Thanks,Nate!”
“Iwastoldthisisallittakestomakeyoutwolistentome.Welcometotheteam.”
ThepoorrookieondoordutyatRobbie’spartyobviouslyreportedSabrina’smessage.
“Putthemon,”Ryansaysfrombehindthecamera.“Ican’tbelieveI’minbedwithtwohockeystars,Ifeelsolucky.”
“Couldhavemadeitthreeifyou’dgivenmetheheads-up,”JJsayswithasnort.
“Shutup,dipshit,that’smygirlyou’retalkingabout.”
Brinwinksatmerightbeforepullingthejerseyoverherhead.Wehavebothreadenoughromancenovelsandwatchedenoughbadromancemoviestoknowweloveashe’sminetypeofman.“Iloveit.”
“Wegottagotopractice.I’llspeaktoyoulater,yeah?”
“Sure,bye.”
“Bye,guys,”RyanandIadd.
JustbeforeRyandisconnectsthecall,wehearHenry.“IsthatAnastasia?Ithoughtshewasavoidingyou,Nathan.”
ImanagetonotreacttoHenry’swords,otherthanonelong,loudinternalscream,butitdoesn’tstoptwopairsofeyesburningintome.ItwasfunnywhenSabrinaandRyanbothstartedintenselystaringatme,butnow,minuteslater,it’salittlesinister.
“Whataren’tyoutellingme?”Brinsaysinhermostseriousvoice.
WhathappensinVegasstaysinVegasissupposedtobearealthing.IknowtechnicallyitwasaVegaspartyinMapleHills,buttherulesshouldstillapply.Ishouldbeallowedtobealittleirresponsibleandalittleslutty,andnothavetosharewithmyfriends.Unfortunatelyforme,thesecretkeepersofVegashaven’tmetSabrina.“TellusorI’mcallinghimbacktoask.”
Isinkintothebed,pullingtheduvetupovermyheadsoIdon’thavetolookatanyone.
“Hewentdownonmeatrobbie’sbirthdaypartyandIranoff.”
“Huh?”theybothsayinunison.
IhuffandclingonasRyantriestotugtheduvetbackdown.He’sstrongerthanme,soIeventuallygiveup.“HewentdownonmeatRobbie’sbirthdayparty,blahblahblah.”Iignoretheirgasps,Sabrina’sgenuineandRyan’spretendonetoplayalongwithherdramatics.“Itwasanaccident,amomentofweakness,andI’vebeenavoidinghim.”
“Youarenotgoingtoblahblahblahme.It’sbeenalmostaweek!”shescreeches,armsflailingarounddramatically.SheturnsherattentiontoRyan.“Didyouknowaboutthis?”
“No,IwasonadatewithLivonSaturday,soIcouldn’tmaketheparty,”hesays,completelymissingthewayherfacetwistswhenhementionsOlivia.“I’minterestedtoknowhowpeopleaccidentallyhaveoralsexthough,Stas.Sharewiththegroup.”
“You’readick.”Igroan,hittinghiminthechestwithapillow.“Iwasusinghisbathroom.HewastryingtogetmetoadmitIwantedtobefriends,askedifheneededtogetonhiskneesandbeg.”
“Classic,”Brinsays,rollinghereyes.
“SaidIwasonlypretendingtohatehim.”
“Yeah,thissoundslikethestartofanygoodhookup,”shesayssarcastically,scrunchinghernoseupwithannoyance.“Gettothegoodbit.”
“Well,whenheaskedifheneededtogetonhisknees,Iwashonest.IsaidtheonlytimeIwanttoseeamanonhiskneesisifhisheadisbetweenmylegs.”
Sabrinacan’tbreathe,she’slaughingsohard,andRyanisnearlyasbad.I’msurprisedAaronhasn’tshownupbecausethatwouldbeperfect
“Youguysareannoying,”Imutter,hittingthembothagainwithapillow.“Anyway,hetookitasaninvitation.Saidaskmenicely,andwasall‘Idon’tjokeaboutconsent,Anastasia,’supersexyandbroodingandyeah,practicallyruinedmyvocalcordsscreaming.”
“Tookitasaninvitation?”Ryanrepeatsback,jawslack.“Stas,youpracticallytoldhimyouwantedtoridehisface.”
“Ididnot!”Idefinitelydidnot.IwassimplymakingapointthatIdon’tseeanythinggoodinamanbeggingatmyfeet.I’mnotsurehowitbecamesomisconstruedinconversation.
Ifanything,IblameRyanforthissituation.IfhehadbeentherewhenBrindisappearedoffwithRobbie,I’dhavehadsomeonetomakesureIdidn’tdorecklessthingswithreckless,hothockeyplayers.
“Anastasia,”hetakesmyfacebetweenhishandsandturnsmyheadsoI’monlylookingathim,notSabrina,whoiswipingawaytears.“Ifawomanistellingmetheonlytimeshewantsmeonmykneesiswhenmyfaceisinbetweenherlegs,respectfully,I’mmakingamove.I’dhavekissedyoutoo.”
“Well,technically,”Imumble,shakingmyfacefree,“ifyouwanttogetintothespecifics,Ikissedhim.”
“Youlittleslut,”Sabrinasaysindelight.“Ican’tbelieveyouweren’tgoingtotellus!”HereyesflicktoRyan,nosescrunchingagain.“Well,me.Youtwoareweird.Idon’tknowwhatyoushare,butIcan’tbelieveyouweren’tgoingtotellme!”
“It’snothappeningagain,Brin,socalmdown.”
Ryangroansbesidemeanddragshishanddownhisface.“Stas,youknowIloveyou,butyou’vegottostopbeingsofuckingstubborn.Hawkinsisagoodguy,fuckhim,don’tfuckhim,butsincewhendoyouavoidpeopleyouhookupwith?”
“Youshoulddefinitelyfuckhim,”Brinsays,farmoreenthusiasticallythanI’dlike.
“Iagree.Youprobablyshouldatleastonce,Stas.Forscience.”
TheperformingartsmajorandtheEnglishliteraturemajor,thetwoleastSTEMpeopleIknow,bothlookatme,synchronizednoddingandtalking.“Forscience.”TEN|NATHAN
Haveyoueverseenawomansprintinstilettos?Ihave.
Lastweek.Ihadn’tevengottenoffmykneesbeforeAnastasia’shandwasstraighteningherdressandreachingforthedoorhandle.Shegavemeonelastlook,post-orgasmglowwarminghercheeks,thenshegotthefuckoutoftherelikeRoadRunner.
Shewasmovingsoquickly,I’msurprisedtherewasn’tsmokebehindher.AllIcoulddowasletherleave,otherwise,I’dhavebeensteppingoutwithathrobbingbonerintoahousefulltothebrimwithpeople.
DidIknowthatwaswhatwasgoingtohappenwhenItookherupstairs?No.Thebest-casescenariowasshe’dthinkIwaslookingoutforher,maybeshe’dagreetofinallybefriends.DidIthinktherewasachancethatshe’dendupcryingmyname,andI’dbesuckingthetasteofheroffmyfingers?Idon’tthinkanynormalmanwould,underthecircumstances.
IsthatmemoryonrepeatinmyheadeverytimeIjerkoff?Obviously.
Sheclearlyregretsit,sinceeverytimesheseesme,shedartsoffintheoppositedirection.Ithoughtatfirstitmightbeembarrassment,butafterseeingherinbedwithRothwellyesterday,I’mbacktobelievingtheinterestisone-sided.
IthoughtmaybeshewasdatingRothwell,likeHenryseemstothinksheis.MaybeIwasamistake,amomentofweakness,butIhadtostopbecauseIwasmakingmyselffeelill.Ihatecheatersandmygutwastellingmethatwasn’tthecasewithher.IfeltimmediatelybetterwhenIspottedRyanlookingclosewithLivAbbott.
Idon’tknowwhattypeofrelationshipStasandRyanhave,butwhateveritis,they’reclearlynotexclusive.
I’vedecidedtodayisthedaywe’regoingtotalkitout.She’sgoodatcommunicatingherfeelings,she’sprovedthatafewtimes.She’sobviouslynotgoodatfacingmenwhosefacesshe’scomeon.
Theplanistocatchherstraightaftertraining,sinceshetrainswithShitheadbeforeusonaFriday.JJisfuriouswe’renotgoingtohavetimetostopforDunkin’,mumblingsomethingabouthisconstitutionalrights.Ipromisedtobuyhimtwodoughnutsnextweek,anditseemedtoplacatehim.He’sexcitedtoambush—hiswords,notmine—Stassiewithme,andwatchmegetshotdown.
BoldofhimtoassumethatI’llgetcloseenoughtobeshotdown.
FocusingonhowtowinoverAnastasiahasbeenenoughofadistractiontonotwonderwhymydadhasbeenblowingupmyphoneforthreedaysandiscurrentlyshowingnosignsofslowingdown.
Assuminghe’scallingaboutthesignificantdentinmyavailablefundsafterpayingforRobbie’sparty,Idon’twanttospeaktohimanyway.I’msureaguywithanormaldadwouldassumeit’sagoodluckcall,sinceourfirstgameoftheseasonistomorrow.Butsadly,mydadisn’tnormal.
Mr.HhasbeenmoreofadadtomethanmineandhavingtheHamletsintownforRobbie’sbirthdayhasbeengreat.Greatforme,maybenotgreatforSabrina,whohadanimpromptumeetingwiththemonSundaymorning,whileonlywearingRobbie’sT-shirt.
Mrs.Hlookedlikeshewasgoingtocombustwithhappiness,whileMr.HgaveRobbieadoublethumbs-up.Brinlookedlikeadeercaughtinheadlights,andRobbiewasjustasbad.
JJhadalookonhisfacethatI’veneverseenbefore.Helookedlikeitwasthebestmomentofhislife,andthatonlyincreasedwhenHenryaskedSabrinaloudlyifsheregrettednotputtingonpants.
HavingtheHamletshereremindsmeofhome,butthegoodmemories,theonesbeforeMomdied.TalkingoutstrategieswiththemremindsmewhyIlovehockey,andnowI’mpumpedforthestartofthisseason.
IknowI’vesaiditbefore,butImeanitthistime.Thisyearisgoingtobedifferent.
***
Ialwaysknowshitisgoingdownwhenmyphoneincessantlybuzzes.IgnoringProfessorJones’spainfullyboringrecaponmacronutrientmetabolism,Ipullmyphonefrommypocket.
PUCKBUNNIES
ROBBIEHAMLET:I’mdead.
BOBBYHUGHES:Weirdwaytoannounceitbutgooff.
KRISHUDSON:CanIhaveyourroom?
JOECARTER:CanIhaveSabrina’snumber?
ROBBIEHAMLET:Shutthefuckup,Carter.
NATEHAWKINS:RIP
ROBBIEHAMLET:Hereheis.Manofthehour.
NATEHAWKINS:Wtfareyouon?
ROBBIEHAMLET:DidyouknowStassie,Summer,andKittyallliveinthesamebuilding?
NATEHAWKINS:You’refuckingjoking.
ROBBIEHAMLET:Wouldn’tjokeaboutsomethingasfunnyasthis.
JAIDENJOHAL:MapleTower?Shit.Imightmove.
HENRYTURNER:Idon’tgetwhattheproblemis.
KRISHUDSON:They’reneighbors,Hen.
HENRYTURNER:Yeah…Butnoneofthemwanttofuckhimanyway,sowhyisitaproblem?
HENRYTURNER:It’snotlikehe’sgoingtobeinvitedover.
MATTIELIU:Shotsfired.
KRISHUDSON:IjustknowHawkinsissotiredrn.
JOECARTER:TiredofwaitingforTurnertosayitwasajokelmao
JAIDENJOHAL:Cananyoneelsehearcrying?
NATEHAWKINS:Switchingtobasketball.Bunchofpricks.
HENRYTURNER:MighthaveabetterchancewithStassieifyouswitch.
NATEHAWKINS:Andwhy’sthat?
HENRYTURNER:ShedefinitelyhassexwithRyanRothwell.
HENRYTURNER:Maybebasketballplayersarehertype
NATEHAWKINS:Youdon’tknowthat.
HENRYTURNER:Ido.Shetoldme.
NATEHAWKINS:Andwhythefuckwouldshetellyouthat?
HENRYTURNER:BecauseIasked?
JAIDENJOHAL:Nottotipyouovertheedge,Cap…ButRothwellhasdefinitelyfuckedSummertoo.
NATEHAWKINShasleftPUCKBUNNIES
JOECARTERhasaddedNATEHAWKINStoPUCKBUNNIES
NATEHAWKINShasleftPUCKBUNNIES
MATTIELIUhasaddedNATEHAWKINStoPUCKBUNNIES
NATEHAWKINS:Dicks.
I’vealwayslikedRyanRothwell,untilnow.
Imakethestrategicbuteasydecisiontoputmyphonebackinmypocketandtrytoconcentrateonlearningsomething,oratleastlearnsomethingnotaboutRyanRothwellandwherehe’sstickinghisd—anyway.
Actuallyconcentratingseemstohelptheclassgobyquickly,butIwishI’dstayedbehindassoonasIspotJJ.FromtheminuteImeethimoutsidehislab,towhenIpullupoutsidetherink,he’sbeenlaughingatme.
Thankfullythough,heoptstoletmefailinprivateandpromisestowaitinthecaruntiltherestoftheguysgethere.
“ClaredeLune”isblastingoverthearenaspeakerswhenIwalkthroughthedoubledoors.Thereareotherskatershangingaboutbutonlyonepairontheice,whichmeansI’mhereattherighttime.Droppingmyhockeybagonthebenches,Imakemywaytotheedgeoftherink,givingBradyapolite“Hello”whenshespotsmeandscowls.
I’veneverseenAnastasiaskatebefore.Usually,oneofusisarrivingastheotherisleaving,soIdon’tevergettoseeheratwork,buttodayI’mtwentyminutesearly.
She’sfuckingmesmerizing.I’vebeenontheicesincebeforeIcanremember,andI’venever,evermovedthewaysheismovingrightnow.Shedoesn’tevenlooklikeshe’sskating,shelookslikeshe’sfloating;Ican’ttakemyeyesoffher.
HerarmsreachouttowardShithead,they’renotevenlookingateachotherbuttheystillconnectperfectly.BeforeIknowwhat’shappening,she’supintheair,restingononeofhishands,spinning,grippingthebladeofherskatetoholdherlegaboveherhead.
Ithinkhe’sabouttodropherashequicklylowersher,butsomehow,she’sspinningthroughtheair,acombinationoflimbsthatIcan’tevenkeeptrackof.IwipethesweatfrommybrowwhenherskatesarebackontheiceandletgoofthebreathIdidn’tevenknowIwasholding.
Thepairpickupspeed,flyingacrosstherinkflawlessly.IcantellsomethingisabouttohappenbythewayBrady’sposturechanges;herfingersgriptheboards,andsheholdsherbreath.
StasandAaronaremovinginperfectrhythm,bothturningtotravelbackward.Theyhitthetoeoftheirbootagainsttheice,spinningataspeedmybraincan’tevenregister.Myeyesdon’tevenrealizewhat’shappeningasAaronlands,hislegflyingoutgracefullytofinishthemove,andAnastasia’sbodyskidsacrosstheice,slammingharshlyintotheboardontheothersideoftherink.
Fuck.
I’vebeenslammedintomoreboardsthanIcanremember,butthat’swhenheadtotoeinhockeyequipment.She’sinleggingsandalong-sleevedsportscroptop,doingnothingtoprotecther,evenifshehadn’thititwithforce.
ThemusicabruptlystopsasAaronpullshertoherfeet,checkingeveryinchofherinafrenzy,lookingatthecrownofherheadasshepointstoit.Shepusheshimoffashetriestoscoopherup,insteadacceptinghishand,lettinghimguideherastheyskatetowardwhereBradyandIarestanding.
IfeellikeIshouldmakemyselfscarce,butmyheartisabouttofalloutofmyass.Ineedtohearhersayshe’sallright,evenifit’snottome.
Theshortjourneyacrosstheicefeelslikeafuckinglifetime.Theyeventuallyreachtheside,andshelooksatmebutit’salmostlikeshedoesn’trealizeit’sme,becausethereisn’tanyemotiononherface.Notevendisgust
Shemustbeproperlyinjuredifsheisn’tevenannoyedbymyexistence.Fuck
Bradygripsherface,it’salmostprotective,likeamotherinaway,tiltingiteverywhichdirectionuntilshe’ssatisfied.“It’scomingout,Anastasia.You’lldothetriple.”
“What?”shesqueaks,genuinelylookingconfused.“It’sfine!Givemeaminutewe’llgoagain.I’lllandit.YouknowIcanlandit.”
“Anastasia,I’vejustwatchedyouviolentlyslamintoasolidstructure!Thisisn’tupfordiscussion.”
StassielookstoAaron,herjawslack,tearsbeginningtolinehereyes.Hewrapshisarmaroundhershoulder,tuggingherbodytohisasshebeginstosob.“Tripleisstillhard,Stas.There’snoshameindroppingthequad,somanypeoplecan’tevendothetriple,andyoursareperfect.”
Herentirebodyisshakingasshebringsherhandstohereyestowipeawaythetears,wincingassheraisesherleftarm,thesideofherbodythattooktheimpact.“ButIcandothequad.I’vebeenworkingtowardthequadforsolong.Ineedtogoagain;Ididn’ttakeoffright.Icanfixit.”
Hereyeslandbackonmeasshewipesthefallingtearsonhersleeve.Itrytogiveheracomfortingsmile,butitsinksintohorrorasadark,red,streamofbloodescapesfromherhairlineandrunsdownhertemple.
It’slikeweallseeitattheexactsamemoment.AaronpullshertotheexitbetweenwhereBradyandIarestanding.Wealllungeforheratonce,confusiononherfaceintensifyingasthethreeofusinspecther.
“Coach,I’matrainedfirstaider,”Isayquickly.“Sheneedstogotothehospitalbuttheopenwoundneedscleaningandwrappingbeforeshegoesanywhere.”
Brady’slipsarepinchedintoahard,concernedlinebutshegivesmeatightnod.
“Stas,”Isaysoftly.“I’mgoingtopickyouupandcarryyoutothefirstaidroom,okay?”
“WhyareyoutalkingtomelikeI’machild?”
Aaronsnortsbesideherandwipeshishanddownhisface,lookingattheceilinginamixtureofamusementanddespair.Theguyisajackass,butthere’snodenyingrightnowthathedoescareabouther.Helooksworriedsickandhe’snotevenfightingmeaboutcheckingherover.
“I’mgladthatbumptotheheaddidn’tgetridofyourcharmingpersonality,”Isayplayfully.“I’mgoingtocarryyoubecauseyouhaven’tgotguardson.Plus,I’mscaredifyouwalkandyoucollapse,whenIcatchyou,I’mgoingtohurtyouwherethatbig-assbruiseisgoingtobe.CanIpickyouup?”
Shegrumblesexpletivesunderherbreathandgivesmeahalfheartednod,pairedwithaneyeroll.“I’mheavy,”shemuttersasmyarmsscoopunderherlegsandaroundherwaist.
WeleaveBradyandShitheadbehindusasIstartthewalktowardthelockerrooms,wherethefirstaidroomis.“Shutup,Anastasia.You’renotevenhalfmywarm-upweight.”
Shewigglesinmyarms,andIrealizeshe’stryingtoelbowmeintheribs.I’mtoopreoccupiedtryingtoopenthedoorwithmyasstobeworriedaboutherbeingannoyed.Settingheronthemedicalbed,Itakeastepbackandassoonasourbodiesareapart,shepunchesmestraightinthearm.“Youcan’ttellmetoshutup,I’minjured.”
“I’mfuckinginjurednow.”Imoan,grippingmybicep.“JesusChrist.Whotaughtyouhowtothrowapunch?”
“Sabrina.Shehassevenolderbrothers.”
IcollectthesuppliesIneedfromthecupboard—salinesolution,gauze,andanicepack—enoughuntilshegoestothehospital.Iwashmyhandsthoroughly,drythem,andreachforsomegloves.“You’renotallergictolatex,areyou?”
Hereyesnarrow,lipspullingintoatightline.“No,Nathan.I’mnotallergictolatex.”
Suppressingasnort,Ibrushofftheobviouslatexconnotationsthathaveherglaringatme.“Gladtohearit.Wedon’twanttoaddaswollenfacetoyourlistofinjuries.”
IthinkIgetasmile,butImighthaveimaginedit.
Istartonthesemi-driedbloodonherface,cleaningtheareathoroughly,whileworkingintoherhairline.Imustreachthecutbecauseshewinces,andherhandshootsouttogripmysweatshirt.“I’msorry,”Icoo,tryingtoworkasquicklyandlight-handedaspossible.
ThebloodissoakedintoherhairandeverytimeIdab,thegauzepicksupmore.Herhandisstillgrippingme,footmovingupanddownintheair,andit’sclearshedoesn’tlikebeingtendedtolikethis.
Ineedtodistracther,butIcan’tthinkofanythingtosaythatwon’tmakeherremembershe’savoidingme.“You’reaphenomenalskater,Stas.Icouldn’tstopwatchingyou.”
“UntilIbowlingballedacrosstherinkandtriedtotakedownaboardwithmybody,youmean?”
Hereyeslookuptomeetmine,a100percentconfirmedsmileonherface,definitelynotimaginingthisone.“Yeah,untilthehumanbowlingbit,youwerebreathtaking.”
“Thanks,”shemutters,lookingbackatherhands.“Whyareyouheresoearly?”
IrounduptheusedgauzesnowherwoundisascleanasIcangetitandthrowthemintothemedicalwastebin.Idon’tknowhowtoanswerherquestionwithoutruiningthisnice,semi-normalmomentwe’rehavingrightnow.
“Iwantedtoseeyou.You’vebeenavoidingme,andIwantedtocheckyouwereokay.Canyouraiseyourleftarmforme?That’sthesidethattooktheimpact,right?”
“Right,”sherepeatsback,ignoringeverythingelseIsaid.Shegrimacesslightly,butoverallthemovementisfine,nothing’sbrokenfromwhatIcantell.Istraptheicepacktohershoulder,wherethemajorityoftheinflammationis,andgiveheronelastlookover.
“Icepackfornomorethanten-minuteintervals,okay?Youfeeldizzy?”Sheshakesherhead.“Sick?Headache?Dazedandorconfused?”Sheshakesherheadagain,thistimewithaskepticaleyebrowraised.
Ireachdowntounlaceherskates,pullingeachoneoffherfeetandplacingthembehindher.“Iwantyoutogotothehospital.Theyneedtocheckyouovertobeonthesafeside,andyouneedtorestthisweekend.”
Shesnortsloudly,handflyingtohermouthtosmotherit.“Sorry,thatwasrude.It’sjustthatI’mcompetingtomorrow,Ican’trest.”
“Anastasia…”
“It’llbefine.Areyoudone,Dr.Hawkins?”shesays,releasingmeandattemptingtojumpdownfromthebed.Myhandsinstinctivelygripherhipstokeepherinplace,butIlethergolikeshe’smadeoflava.Hereyesmeetmine,somethinguncertainswimminginthem.“Nate,I—”
Thedooropensbehindus,andShitheadwalksin,carryingapinkgymbag.LikeIdidn’talreadyhaveenoughofareasontowanttostranglehim.Heplacesherbagbehindher,handinghersomesneakers,whichshepullson.Heexaminesherheadlikehe’sgotacluewhathe’slookingat.
Dick.Ithinkhestudieshistoryorsomething
ForStassie’ssake,Itemporarilyputourdifferencesasideandbepolite.“Canyoutakehertothehospital?”
Noddingandmumblinganuninterestedmhmm,hedoesn’tbothertolookatmeashereachesintoherbagagain,pullingoutaUCMHsweatshirtforher.“Don’tletherfallasleepbeforethehospitalandyouneedtotellSabrinatocheckonherwhenshe’ssleepinglater.”
“I’llcheckonher,”hesaysnonchalantly,throwingherskatesintothebagandzippingitshut.
“No,Imeanatnightwhenshegoestobed.”
“Yeah,”hesays,drawingoutthewordlikeI’mnotunderstandinghim.“I’llcheckonher.Youknowwelivetogether,right?MybedroomisjustasclosetohersasBrin’sis.”
Whatthefuckingfuck?
“Okay.”Itrytokeepanysignofshockoutofmyvoice.“Feelbetter,Stas.Goodlucktomorrow,guys.”
“Youtoo,”Shitheadsaysback.
Weird.
Anastasialooksoverhershoulderandtakesmeinonelasttimebeforesheleaves.WhenI’vecleaneduptheroomandheadedouttowheretheguysarewaiting,they’veclearlyheardwhathappenedandareallgivingmefake-sympatheticlooks.
“Poorgirlwouldrathergiveherselfaconcussionthanspeaktoyou,Hawkins.That’srough,buddy,”Robbiesays,earningachorusofsnickersfromtherestoftheteam.
“Hey,funnyguy,”Ibiteback.“Didyouknowyourgirlhassevenolderbrothers?”
Hisfacepales.“Pleasetellmeyou’rejoking.”
“Oh,Iwouldn’tjokeaboutsomethingasfunnyasthis.”ELEVEN|ANASTASIA
Ifthere’sonedayI’mexceptionallygratefulforAaron,it’scompetitiondays.
Incontrasttomyfidgeting,panickingself,Aaroniscalmandrelaxed,gentlyreassuringmethatitwillbeokay.Meanwhile,I’mthrowingupfromanxiety.
Unsurprisingly,accordingtohim,itwasokay,andwe’regoingtosectionals.BradyevenjokedthatIskatedbetterthanusual,creditingmyseriousheadinjury.
Gofigure.
I’mlikethiseverytime;theolderIget,themorethereisatstake,andtheworsetheanxietybecomes.Aaronisascalmas,ifnotcalmerthan,hewaswhenwestartedskatingtogetherfreshmanyear.IthinkthedifferenceisAaronhasn’tnotqualifiedbefore,he’sneverfallenandgoneflyingacrossarink,andthankfully,he’sneverdroppedme.
He’snevergivenhimselfareasonnottobeconfident.
Wegotthroughtoday,butthepressureisonevenmoreforsectionalsnextmonth.Ifwegetthroughthat,we’reofftonationalsinJanuary.
Bradyhasbeenannoyedwithmefromdayonefornotgoingfurtherinmyyoungeryears.ShesaysIhavethetalent,andshedoesn’tunderstandwhyIhaven’tbeentointernationalcompetitionsbefore.Thehonestansweristhatmypartneratthetime,James,wasn’tuptoit,andIdidn’twanttofindsomeonenewbecauseIlovedhim.
Absurdisherfavoritewaytodescribeit.
“Youwereamazingtoday,”Aaronsays,lookingatmefromthedriver’sseat.WeusuallytravelwithAubrey,butAarondrovetodaysincethecompetitionwasclose.“Ican’twaitforBrintoseethevideo.”
Aftersomethinglikethis,Sabrinaisalwayssubjectedtoaplay-by-playofourroutines.She’dpreviouslysaidshewouldwatchusinaction,sinceitwassocloseby,butRobbieaskedhertowatchtheTitansplaytheirfirsthomegameoftheseason.
IwasexpectingAarontobeabitchaboutitwhenshefloatedtheideathismorning,buthewassurprisinglypositiveandsaidshecouldalwayscometothenextone.
“Youtoo.Icouldn’thavedoneitwithoutyou.”
“We’reagoodteam,Stas.Wearguesometimes,butwecan’tdowhatwedowithotherpeople.Itwouldn’tbethesame.”
Annoyingly,heisn’twrong.“Iknow.”
“We’regoingalltheway.Icanfeelit.Ifwekeepupwhatwe’redoing,yousticktoyourmealplan.Wecansmashit.”
“Doyouwannagrabdinnerorsomething?IdoubtSabrinawillbebackfromtheTitansgameagainstWashingtonyet.”
“Ican’t,sorry.I’vegotplanswithCoryandDavey;we’regoingfordrinks.”
Myphonebuzzesinthecupholder,andIreachforit,seeingBrin’snameflashup.
BRINNY
BRINNY:Yourmanisfineashell,jeeeeeeeeeez.
STASSIE:Heisn’tmyman.
BRINNY:Heshouldbe.HejustslammedsomeoneintothewallandIswearIgotaflutter.
STASSIE:What’shappening?
BRINNY:Dunno.Stilldon’tunderstandhockey.Robbieiswearinga3piecesuitandshoutingatpeoplethough*pregnantemoji*
STASSIE:Omg.Aretheywinning?
BRINNY:Yeah!Natekeepsslidingtheminsoeasy,justlikehedidwithyourkittycat
STASSIE:Ihateu
BRINNY:Lethimpuckyourmouth,Stassie
STASSIE:Deletingyournumber
BRINNY:Wannagoouttonighttocelebrate?
STASSIE:Notifit’swiththehockeyteam.
BRINNY:Ilookforwardtoyouchangingyourmind*smirkemoji*
IknowSabrinawellenoughtoknowthere’snopointintryingtoavoidtheguystonight.Itmightbefunbecause,unfortunately,Ilikealotofthem.
ItoldherundernocircumstanceswasIgoingwithhertoRobbie’sbirthdaypartylastweek,andthenIhadtositthere,staringathersmugsmile,whileshedidmymakeupforthepartyIdefinitelywasn’tgoingto.
Ifshe’sgoingout,andsoisAaron,thereisnopointinmestayinghomealone,right?
“That’sokay.Brinmessagedtosayshewantstogooutanyway,”Itellhim,stuffingmyphonebackintothecupholder.
“TrustSabrinatogetinvolvedwithahockeyguy,ofallpeople,”hetuts,checkinghismirrorsbeforeturningontoourroad.“AtleastRothwellisn’tatotaljackass.”
Imakeamentalnotetorememberthat.Ryanwillbethrilledhe’sonlyabitofajackass,notatotalone.
RegardlessofwhatfeelingsIhaveorhavehadaboutthehockeyplayers,RobbieisgreatwithSabrina.He’sthoughtfulandkind,butmostimportantly,hetreatsherwiththerespectshedeserves.Andevenhisparentswereverysweettoherduringherimpromptumeetingwiththem,provingRobbiehasbeenraisedright.
UnlikesomepeopleIknow
“Hemakesherhappyandit’snoneofourbusiness.”
“Itwillbewhenshegetsknockedupandghosted.”
“That’snot—”Thisargumentisn’tworthit.“I’msureit’llbefine.”
“Youshouldstayawayfromthem,Stassie.They’rebadnews.Youdon’talwayshavetogowhereSabrinatellsyouto,y’know.”
Thewordsareonthetipofmytongue,butIswallowthemdown,desperatetonotruinwhat’sotherwisebeenagreatday.“Okay.”
Idon’tbothertellinghimI’llbespendingtheeveningwiththeexactpeoplehewantsmetoavoid.Despitenotwantingtospendtimewithmehimself,hewon’twantotherstoeither.
“I’mtryingtolookoutforyou,Stassie.Icareaboutyou.We’repartners,thatgoesbeyondskating.Iknowyou’ddothesameforme.”
ImakeallowancesforAaron,desperatetoclingtothoselovelymomentsweshare.Hedoescareaboutme,andhedoescareaboutSabrina.Butsometimes,likenow,hesayssomethingthatmakesmequestionhisrealmotives.
Therearetimeswhentheideahe’dsayanythingbadabouteitherofusfeelsimpossible.Whenhe’sfiercelyloyalandprotective,withoutbeingtoxic,andwhenthethreeofusaretuckeduptogetherinourlivingroom,watchingmoviesandlaughing.
Thentherearetimeslikenowwhenthenastystreakhehasseepsthroughthecracks.Sometimesitcomessooutofnowhereitfeelslikewhiplash,makingmewonderifIknowhimatall.
Iwaitforthecartostopoutsideourbuildingbeforeleaningovertohughim.“Icareaboutyou,too,Aaron.”
***
I’mhalf-readybythetimeSabrinabulldozesherwayintomybedroom,hoppeduponbeerandJollyRanchers.
“Ilovehockey!”ShelooksthepartinherAllalijerseyandTitansbeanie,andI’malittlejealousIdidn’tgettogo.“NotasmuchasIlovefigureskating,obviously,yaahlasuperstar.Buthockeyhasmoredrama;itwaslikeanopera,butwithsticks.I’mobsessed.”Shelooksaround,realizingI’mtheonlyonehome.“Where’stheiceprincess?”
“Drinkswithfriends.Iaskedhimifhewantedtograbdinnerwithme,buthesaidno.Oh,andhockeyguyssuck,andIdon’thavetogowhereyoutellmeto,whichisgreatnews.”
“YaAllah.”Shegroans,throwingherselfonthecouchbesideme.“Iswear,thatboyissodramatic.We’regoingtoTheHoneypot,we’renotgettingmarried.”
TheHoneypotisthemostpopularnightclubinLosAngeles.It’ssuperexclusive;weonlygetinbecauseBriar,ourneighbor,worksthere.Sabrinamadeithermissiontobefriendherwhenshefoundoutweliveinthesamebuilding.
Brinhatesworkingout.No,that’sanunderstatement.Brindespisesworkingoutwithherentirebeing,butshewenttothegymeverydayuntilshe’dcharmedBriar.
Shewascandidabouthermotivationsfromthebeginning,andluckily,Briarthoughtitwasfunny.Everytimewe’reattheclub,Brinmakesmebuyheradrinktothankherforhersacrifice.
“Nowedding?So,Ishouldn’twearmybridesmaiddress?”Itease,pokingherintheribswhereshe’sticklish.
“Don’t!”shebegs,rollingawayfromme.“I’mtoofullofbeertobeprodded.”Stretchingout,shekicksoffhersneakersandreachesfortheblanketdrapedoverthebackofthecouch.“AssoonasI’vehadamicronap,I’llstartgettingready.Iswear.”
Sabrina’smicronapturnedintoarealnap,andI’vebeenlisteningtoherrunaroundtheapartmentcursing,franticallytryingtogetready,forthepastforty-fiveminutes.
She’sblamingme,butshedoesn’tremembertheabuseshehurledmywayeachofthefivetimesItriedtowakeherup.
I’malonewithmythoughtswhileIwait,andIcan’tescapetherealizationthatI’mnervousaboutseeingNate.HehadRobbietextSabrinathismorningtopassonagoodluckmessage,whichwassweetofhim.
It’stimeforustoburythehatchet.He’sclearlyagoodguy,likeeveryonehastoldmeheis.NowI’vehadaweektoprocessit,Idon’tfeelembarrassedaboutmylackofwillpowerlastweek.
We’rebothadults.Sometimesadultsletotheradultsprovetheydon’tneednavigationtoolstofindaG-spot.It’snormal.
“Okay,I’mready!”
Sabrinalooksunrealinablack,strapless,corsetedMaxMorganmididress.It’shergo-towhenshedoesn’tknowwhattowear;shesayssheneedstogethermoney’sworthsinceitcostssomuch.SheboughtitlastyearduringararetriptoRodeoDrive.It’sbeautiful,butherdadwasnotpleasedwhenhereceivedhercreditcardbill.
Herchestnutbrownhairispinstraightdownherback,acontrasttohernormalcurls,andshe’sframedherhoney-browneyeswithaperfectwingedeyeliner.Hergolden-brownskinisglowingassherubsinthelastbitofshimmer.Lookingupatme,shesmiles.“IknowI’mhot,butweneedtoleave.Stevehasalreadybeenwaitingfiveminutes.”
WalkingacrossthelobbytoourwaitingUber,Sabrinagigglestoherself,whichisalwayssuspicious.“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Sabrina…”
“Justwonderingifyou’regoingtokeepitinyourpantstonight,butIrealizedyou’renotwearinganyanyway.”
“You’resochildish.”
“Sorry?”
“You’renotevenalittlebitsorry.”
Shewinks,holdingopenthecardoorformeasIclimbin.“Doyouwantmetogetonmykneesandbegforforgiveness?”
“Ihateyou.”
“Sureyoudo.JustlikeyouhatedHawkinswhenyoucamealloverhisface.”
StevetheUberdriverbeginstochokeonair,buthedoesn’tsayanything,whichisenoughformetogivehimfivestarswhenhedropsusoff.
TheHoneypotisasbusyasyou’dexpectonaSaturdaynight.WechatwithBriarforacoupleofminutesbeforesomeonetellsherinherheadsetaboutanissue,andsherunsofftodealwithit.
TheguyshavereservedoneoftheboothsintheVIParea,readytocelebratetheirfirstwinoftheseason.I’mmostexcitedtoseeHenry;atthispoint,Idon’tfeellikethatstatementrequiresexplanation.
Itseemswearen’ttheonlyoneswhogetperksfromBriar.WhenSabrinatoldmeabouttheboothearlier,shealsosaidNatehadpulledafavorsoHenrywouldn’tgetcarded.Hedidn’twantHenryhomealone,knowinghewouldn’twanttogotoacampuspartywithoutthem.
I’mtryingnottoobsessabouthowsweetitis.
IbuyBrinherdrink,thankingherforthemillionthtimeforthesixweeksthatshedidcardio.Makingourwayovertothebooth,mystomachisfullofnervousenergy.
Bobbyspotsusfirst,crushingusbothwithanoxygenstealinghug.“I’msogladyoucame,”heshoutsoverthemusic.
Mattie’snext,proudlyshowingmehisswolleneye,whichappearstobegoingdarkpurple.Heshoutsthedetailsofhisfight,lookingtoBrinforconfirmationitwascoollikehesaysitwas.
Mostofthemaresittinginthebooth;therestaretalkingtopeople,obviouslytryingnottogohomealonetonight.Onepersonismissingthough,notthatIcare.TheonlypersonI’mgoinghomewithtonightisSabrina—ItoldherasmuchintheUber.Shegavemeasarcastic“Okay”andwentbacktotextingRobbie.
I’minaquieterpartoftheclubwithJoeandKris,watchingHenrytalktotwowomen.TheonlywaytodescribehowI’mfeelingrightnowisastonished.They’rebothhotashell,flickingtheirhairaround,throwingtheirheadsbacktolaughateverythinghesays.What’shesayingtothem?WhereisthequietandshyHenryIknowandlove?
Joelaughsatmybewilderedexpression.“It’slikethiseverywherewetakehim.Womenfreakinglovehim.”
Noshit.
Krishuffs,gulpingdownhisJackandCoke.“IjustwannaknowhowhedoesitsoIcandoittoo.”
I’mbusylisteningtothemdiscusstheorieswhenhandslandonmywaistfrombehind,andIfeelbreathonmyneck.“Youshouldn’tbedrinking.Youhaveaheadinjury.”
Spinningaroundtofacehimashestraightensup,Iimmediatelyspottheangry-lookingcutonhischeek.Movingcloser,Ireachup,rubbingmythumbbeneathitgently.“DidyoutrytodoaquadLutztoo?”
Natechuckles,hisbodyvibratingagainstmine.“Yeah,youmadeitlooksupereasy.ThoughtI’dtry.”
Mybodyisbuzzingfromtheproximity.No,it’sthealcohol.Definitelythealcohol.I’munbotheredbytheproximity.ThesamewayI’munbotheredbyhowhe’ssmilingdownatme.
AnastasiaUnbotheredAllen.
“Whathappened?”Iask,keepingtheconversationmovingsoIdon’thavetimetospiral.
Hebringshisglasstohislips,smirkingashesips.“ItturnsoutpeoplefromWashingtonaren’tveryfriendly.”
“Aviciouslie,Hawkins.We’refamouslyveryfriendly.”
Heshrugs,stillsmirking.“IwillneedyoutoshowmebecauseI’mstrugglingtobelieveyou.”
“Preparetobeamazed.”
“I’malreadyamazedbyyou,Anastasia,”hesays,winking.Withthat,hestepsaroundmeandheadsovertothebooth.
Whatjusthappened?TWELVE|NATHAN
There’snothinglikewinningthefirsthomegameoftheseasontoputyouinagreatfuckingmood.
Weplayedphenomenally.Itfeltgoodtogetbackouttherewithmyguysandleadthemtoavictory.EvenFaulknerwashappy,andhe’sneverhappy,sowemusthaveplayedaswellasIknowwedid.
Wewerealldesperatetoprovetohim,despitethebullshitofthelastfewweeks,thatwealldeserveaspotonthisteam.
CoachandRobbieimmediatelyhadussitaroundthetable,analyzingthegamewhileitwasfreshinourheads.That’sthebitIusuallyhate,especiallyafterawinwhenIwanttocelebratewithabeerorten.
Theadrenalinepumpingaroundmybodydoesn’twanttorevisiteverypassandscorewhileconfinedtoaroom.That’showtheguysfeltthemomenttheytookaseat;IcouldtellbytheirtappingandshufflingandcompliancetoeverywordfromCoach’smouth.
Foronce,Iwasperfectlycalm.
Idon’tgettomakemistakesthisyear;everymovemustbeperfect.
Robbiewantedtowrapthingsupearly,hiseyesfloatingtohissmartwatcheverytimeitlitup.IknewSabrinawassomewhereinthebuilding,proudlywearingthejerseyIsenther.
Sabrinaissomethingelse.Bold,confident,andcompletelyshameless.ShewalkedintothelockerroomsafterRobbieaskedhertovisithimbeforethegame,andwhilemostofuswerechanged,shecameexceptionallyclosetoseeingJJ’sballs.
Faulknerstoppedinhistrackswhenhecameoutofasideroomandsawher.“Youcan’tbeinhere!Thisisthemen’slockerroom!”
Sabrinaputheractingskillstogooduseandwavedherarmsaround,franticallyshoutingbackathiminwhatIlaterlearnedwasArabic.
FaulknerassumedshewasalosttouristfromWashingtonorsomethingandescortedherout.Thankfully,JJ’sballsweresafelybackawaybythatpoint.
Afterward,RobbieexplainedBrinisBrooklynbornandraised,butherparentsareAlgerian.“Hotasfuck,isn’tit?She’ssosmart.IcanonlyjustcopewithEnglish,andshejusteffortlesslyswitchesallthetime.SometimesIgethertowhispershittomeinArabic;shecouldbesayinganything.Itallsoundssogoddamngood.”
Yeah,notjealousatall
Post-gamenightsouthavealwaysbeenthecrèmedelacrèmeofnightsout.Westartatapartyonfratrow,notmyfavoriteplacetobe,butsincehalftheteamisn’ttwenty-oneandcan’tgotoaclub,it’snicetohaveafewdrinkstogetherbeforewepartwaysforthenight.
ThenweheadtoTheHoneypot,whichis,inmyhumbleopinion,thebestclubinWestHollywood.B,Summer’sroommate,andtheworstdrinkmixerever,worksthereandarrangestablesforus.
NowthatHenryliveswithus,Bmadeasecretarrangementwithmetolethiminwithoutcardinghim,sinceheisn’ttwenty-one.Ihadtopromisenevertotellanyonesoshedidn’tendupwithhalfofUCMHonherdoorstep,andinreturn,Igether,Summer,andCamithebestseatsforourhomegames.
It’saneasypromisetokeep,becauseiftherestoftheteamknewIwaspullingstringsforHenry,I’dneverknowpeaceagain.
Withinminutesofourarrival,theboothwascoveredinbottlesandunsurprisingly,severaldrinksin,halftheteamiswasted.
JJandRobbiearehavingwhatlookslikeaveryintenseheart-to-heart,fullofback-slappinganddiggingeachotherinthearmaffectionately.Theykeeptappingtheirdrinkstogethertocheers,althoughIhavenoideawhatthey’recelebrating.
JoeandKrisarestillwatchingHenrylikehe’stheDiscoveryChannel,desperatelytryingtolearnhisways.
Bobby,Mattie,andsomeoftheotherguyshavedisappearedtomakefriendswithabachelorettepartyontheothersideofthedancefloor.
JJandRobbiefinallybreakaparttolookoveratmeasIcontinuetopeoplewatchwhilesippingonmydrink.JJlaughs,noddinginthedirectionofwhereAnastasiaandSabrinaaredancing.“Youfuckeditwithheralready?”
“Probably.”
Idon’tbothermentioningmyplantowinheroverorhowsurprisedshelookedwhenIsteppedaroundherearlier,leavingherwithmyfriends.Fromnowon,she’sgoingtocometome.
***
It’sbeenhours,andallIcanthinkaboutissmooth,tanned,glowyskin.She’sinalilacdressthat’ssofuckingtight,meltingovereveryinchofhersoperfectlyitlookslikeasecondskin.
Itplungesbetweenherbreasts,andthat’swheremyabilitytodescribewhatshe’swearingends,becauseassoonasmyeyelinetravelsoverthestrainedmaterialcoveringhertits,allthebloodinmybodyrushesstraighttomydick.
Herlightbrownhairiswavy,flowingdownherbacktojustabovethecurveofherass,anassIknowfeelsfuckingamazing.Sherollsherhipsintimetothebeat,smilingandbringingthedrinkinherhandtohermouth.
Thesongfinallymergesintothenextone;IseehertapBrinandpointinthedirectionofthebooth,meaningIcanfinallystopwatchingherlikeafuckingcreep.Iwouldhavejoinedherdancing,butIdidn’twanttobetheguythatgetsinawoman’sspacewhenthey’retryingtohaveagoodtimewiththeirfriend.I’vegottosticktotheplanandnotgetsidetracked.NottomentionIcan’tdance.
Whentheguysrealizedmostofthebachelorettepartyweremarried,theyretreatedtotheboothwiththeirtailsbetweentheirlegs,andnowthebottlesareemptyingmuchquicker.
Brinburstsintotheboothfirst,cheeksflushedandadrunk,soppysmileonherface.ShelooksatRobbielikehe’sthebestthingshe’severseeninherlife,lungingforwardtopresshermouthagainsthim,droppingherselfintohislap.
Herunshishandupanddownhershingently,mutteringsomethingtoherthatmakesherburyherheadintohisneck.
Anastasiaisrightbehindher,andshe’sevenmorebeautifulclose-up.Hereyesscantheboothlookingforaspottosit,scowlingwhenshefindsitfulloftwohundred–poundhockeyplayers,butthenhereyeslandonme,andsheshamelesslychecksmeout.
Herteethsinkintoherbottomlip,fingerstappingontheglassinherhandasshescanstheboothonemoretime.I’mabouttotellhertositwithme,butshebendsover,whisperingintoJJ’sear.
IshootKrisaglarethattellshimIwillfuckingkillhimafterIcatchhimpatMattie’schesttogethisattention,thenpointinginherdirection.
Herdresshardlycoversherass,andI’mabout0.1secondsawayfromcoveringherwithmyjacket.Standingupstraight,laughingatwhateverJaidensaid,shetucksherhairbehindherears,castingmealookoverhershoulder.
JJspreadshislegswide,lettingherstepbetweenthemandsitonhisknee.Herarmcirclesaroundhisneck,andI’msurprisedtheglassinmyhanddoesn’tshatter;I’mgrippingitthattight.
Fucktheplan.Thejealousyissuffocatingme.Ithrowbacktherestofmydrink,lettingthecoldliquorsoothetheburninginmychest.
I’monmyfeetandbrushingpastthelegsofmyteammatesbeforeIevenhavetimetoconsiderthisreckless,drunkendisplayofenvy.Sheiseithertryingtogetundermyskinordoesn’tgiveafuckaboutme,buteitherway,she’sreachingdistancefrommenow.
Ibenddown,mymouthmillimetersfromherear.“Dancewithme?”
HeatspreadsthroughmybodywhensheshuddersbecauseIlovehowshereactstome.Imoveback,givingherroomtostand.Instead,shelooksoverhershoulder,tongueflickingouttowetherbottomlip,blueeyesglossy,staringupatme.“Wecanmakethathappen.Justaskmenicely.”
Shegrinsasashockedlaughrumblesinmythroat.Iholdoutmyhand,whichshelinkswithhers,lettingmetughertoherfeet.
Iknowtheteamiswatchinguslikeasoapopera,butIdon’tgiveashit.Herbodymoldstomine,facemuchcloserwiththefiveinchesaddedtoherheightbyherstilettos.I’msurethey’retheheelsthatleftredmarksonmyback,andwhenmydicktwitches,Irealizenowisn’ttherighttimetorememberthat.
“Thisismeaskingyouverynicely.Willyoudancewithme?”
“Onlybecauseyouwontoday,”sheshootsback,amischievousglintinhereyes.
Shetakesourjoinedhandsandreststhemrightabovetheswellofherass,navigatingusthroughthecrowdtothedancefloor.
Idon’tevenknowhowtofuckingdance.IjustknowIwantthefeelofherbodyonmine,andifIhadtowatchhertouchingJJforaminutelonger,Iwasgoingtoriphisheadfromhisbody.
Wereachthemiddleofthedancefloor,wherethelightsareflashing,butshekeepsgoing,draggingmethroughthedrunk,sloppyclubgoerstoanareaofthedancefloorthelightsdon’tquitereach.“Ouraudiencewillhavetofindsomeoneelsetowatch.”
Despiteallthealcoholflowingthroughmybloodstreamrightnow,I’mpainfullyawareofthefeelofherbodypressedagainstmine.“Idon’tknowhowtodance.”
“I’llshowyou.”
Thesongchangestosomethingslower,darker,dirtier.Herbodyturnsinmyarms,asspresseduptomesotightlythereisn’tanyspacebetweenus.Herheadfallsbacktomyshoulder,andshedragsmyhandsdownherbodyuntilmyfingersarediggingintoherhips.
Rockingussidetosidetothemusic,herassrollsandgrindsuntilI’msopainfullyhardthere’snofuckingwayshecan’tfeelit.Myheadfallstohershoulder,immediatelyinhalinghersweetscent.“You’refuckingkillingme,Stas,”Igroanintoherneck.Herhandsreachbehinduntilthey’relinkedbehindmyhead,andwhenIlookdownherbody,Icanseethestiffpeaksofhernipplesprotrudingthroughtheflimsymaterialofherdress.
Iwishweweren’tinacrowdednightclub.IwishwewereathomesoIcouldrollhernipplesbetweenmyfingersordipmyhandbetweenherthighs,hopefullyfindingherwearingnounderwearagain.
I’mpracticallypanting,hearthammering,bodyonfire.Ididn’tthinkIcouldfeelbetteraftertoday’swin,buthearingStas’ssatisfiedsighsasIrunmyhandsoverherwaist,whisperinghowfuckinggoodherbodyfeelsagainstmineintoherear,meansit’sdefinitelybetter.
I’mactinglikeI’veneverhadawomanrubupagainstmebefore,likeIhaven’tbeentheguyinthedarkcorneroftheclubwiththebeautifulgirlinhisarms.Still,Anastasia’sattentionfeelslikeareward.
Thesongendsandsheunwindsherbodyfrommine.Whensheturnsaround,hercheeksareflushedred,chestheaving,skinshimmering.Irunmyfingeracrosshercheekbone,feelingtheheatsearmyfinger,andwatchhereyeswidenastheylockwithmine.
Myhandcupsthesideofherthroat,fingersgrippingthebackofherneck,thumbrubbingagainsthererraticpulse.I’maddictedtoherwhenshe’slikethis.Whensheforgetsaboutthisgamewe’replaying,whenhereyesdrinkmein,andherhandsgripthefrontofmyshirtlikeshe’sscaredI’mgoingtoslipaway.
Ourfacesaredangerouslyclose,Ifeelherbreathagainstmylips.
“Hey,lovebirds.Youtworeadytogo?”Brinshoutsfrombehindme.MyforeheadfallsagainstStassie’s,theregretofnotseizingthemomenthangingintheair.
Shereleasesmyshirt,steppingbackward,fingerstappingagainstherlips.“Yeah,let’sgo.”
IffeelingAnastasia’sbodygrindingagainstmineinanightclubwasmyreward,havinghersittinginmylapintheUberonthewayhomeismypunishment.
Islippedourdriveranextrafiftybuckstoletthegirlsgetinwithus.Otherwise,wewouldhavehadtogetanotherrideforonlytwopeople.HenryandBobbyareonthefrontbenchwiththedriver;JJ,Kris,andRobbieareinthemiddlerow,withSabrinaacrossthem;I’minthebackseatwithStasonmyknee.
ShewantedtositonHenry’sknee,buthepolitelysaidno.Sonow,she’swigglingabout,leaningforwardtotalktoSabrinaintherowinfrontofus,andI’mstucklookingatthewayherwaistslopesinfromherass,tryingnottothinkabouthowwellmyhandswouldfitthereifIwasp—nevermind.
“Stassie,youneedtoleanback.Youneedtoletmeputthisseatbeltaroundyou,”Isaysoftly,pullinghershouldersbackslowly.
Shedoesn’tfightme;sheleansbackagainstmychestandletsmepulltheseatbeltacrossher.Idon’tknowwheretoputmyhands,sothey’regrippingtheseatinanattemptnottomakethismorechallengingthanitalreadyis
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasks,headtiltingupwarduntilhernoseisbrushingtheundersideofmyjaw.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Eventhoughthecarisfulloftheothersshoutingandlaughing,forsomereason,we’rewhispering.
Shenudgesmeagainwithhernose.“You’renottouchingme…”Herhandsgripmyforearmsandtraveldowntowheremyfingersarediggingintotheseat,pullingthemawayandwrappingthemaroundherbodyinstead.Anevilgiggleslipsfromherlips.“You’rehard.”
Ican’tevenstoptheembarrassinggroanthatseepsout.“Yeah,mydick’shavingahardtimerealizingthewrigglingaroundyou’redoingisn’tforourbenefit.”
Ifit’sevenpossible,sherelaxesherbodyfartherintomineandintertwinesourhands,placingthembothinacomfortablepositiononherthighs.Thisfeelsmanageable.Nowigglingorsquirming;IcangetbacktoMapleHillslikethis.Hand-holdingandrelaxedbodies.Nice,nothingtostressabout.
“Ifitmakesyoufeelanylessembarrassed,”shewhispers,movingourrighthandsalongherinnerthighuntilIcanfeeltheheatradiatingfrombetweenherlegs.“I’msofuckingwet.”Wideningherknees,shemovesourjoinedhandscloser.“AndI’mnotwearinganypanties.”THIRTEEN|ANASTASIA
ThedarknessinthebackofthisUberisgivingmemoreconfidencethanitshould.
Maybeit’sthealcohol,maybeit’sthepost-qualifyinghigh,maybeit’sthewayNathan’sbodyrespondstomine,andhowhe’spracticallydickingdownmyegobytellingmeI’mthehottestthinghe’severseeninhislife.
Hishandisaboutaninchawayfrommakingthisjourneyhomemoreinteresting,butItriedtoavoidthis,inmydefense.ItriedtositwithHenry,whomIknewwouldgoentirelyoutofhiswaytoensureourbodiestouchedaslittleaspossible.
Shit,heprobablywouldhaveforcedmetositonthefloorofthepassengerseat,andI’dhavebeengoodwithit.Butnow,Ifindmyselfdealingwiththeconsequencesofmyactions,withnoonetoblameformyaching,wetvaginabutmyself.
Mytraitoroushipsaremovingoftheirownaccord,adesperatewhimperslippingfrommypartedlipsasNateslowlyanddeliberatelyrollshishipsforward,handstillinterlockedwithminebetweenmylegs.
Hisotherhandleavesmythigh,andmyarminstinctivelyraisestosinkmyfingersintohisthick,darkhair.Mybreathingslowsashepresseshispalmflattomybodyandtravelsacrossmystomach,overthecurveofmybreast,circlingmynipplebutnotquiteaddingenoughpressureformetobesatisfied.
“Nathan…”Iwhimperimpatiently.Hischuckleisdarkanddevious,tellingmewithnowordsthathedoesnotgiveonefuckaboutdoingwhatIwant.Hishandmovesacrosstomyotherbreast,thesamefrustratinglighttouchthathasmearchingintohishandjusttofeelmore.“Nathan,please…”
Itugwiththehandstillgrippinghishair,tryingtoignorethegoosebumpsspreadingacrossmyskineverytimehishotbreathdancesacrossmyneck.
Hisfingersfinallypinchmytautnipples,nosenudgingmyheadtotheside,thestubblecoveringhisjawscrapingovermyhammeringpulse,teethnippingthelobeofmyear.“Youonlylikemewhenyou’redrunkandhorny.”
“Nottrue.”Ifinallyletgoofthehandsettledbetweenmylegs,leavinghisthereashestrokesagainsttheinsideofmythighgently.Itwisttowatchhimovermyshoulder,hiseyesdarkandheavyastheymeetmine.“Idon’tlikeyouatanytime.”
Lipscrashintomineandhishandmovestogripthefrontofmythroat.It’sroughandpassionate,overwhelmingandheated,andawholehostofotherwordsmybraincan’tevenprocessrightnow.Hesqueezesmythroatashistongueexploresmymouth,moaningwhenmyteethsinkintohislip.
It’snotenough;Iwanthimcloser,needhimcloser.Heloosenshisgrip,trailinghismouthacrossmyjaw,kissingandsuckingmyneck,voiceroughasIrollmyhipsagainsthim.“Don’ttellmeyoudon’tlikemewhenIcanfeelhowwetyouarealloveryourthighs,Anastasia.”
“It’dbealloveryourhandinsteadifyoudidsomething.”
I’mincrediblyclosetotakingmattersintomyownhands,althoughI’munsurewheremasturbatinginhislapwouldputusonthefrenemy-shipscale.Anormalpersonwouldbeworriedabouttheiraudience,butIcouldscreamuntilthewindowsshatteredandourexceptionallydrunkfriendswouldn’tnotice.Drunkennessaside,TaylorSwift’s“CruelSummer”cameontheradio,andKristurnedittofullvolume.
We’reinourownlittleworldbackhere;thetemperatureishotter,theairthicker,tensionstealingeverylastbitofoxygenfrommylungs.
Icouldn’teventellyouhowfarawayfromMapleHillsweareorhowmanyminuteshavepassedsinceIclimbedinhereandsettledonNate’slap.Hiskneesnudgeminefartherapart,mouthdescendingonmineagain,morepossessive,moredominant.Hisnosebrushesmine.“Canyoubeagoodgirlandbequiet?”
Inod,preparedtofinallyfeelhislong,thickfingerseasingthethrobbingbetweenmylegs.Instead,hedragsonefingergentlyovermyswollenclit,andIcan’thelpthehuffoffrustrationthatescapesme.“I’msoclosetodoingitmyself.Tellmeifyoudon’tknowwhatyou’redoing,Nathan.”
ThelasttimeIgoadedhimaboutnotbeingabletopleasureawoman,heprovedmevery,verywrong.
Hisfreehandsinksintothehairatthebottomofmyneck,tuggingsoIlookupathim.Heincreasesthepressureonmyclitandasatisfiedmoangrumblesinmythroat,jawslackingasthepleasurerollsthroughmyverytenseandsexuallyfrustratedbody.
Swappingtotheheelofhispalm,hisotherhandtightensinmyhair.“Oneday,I’mgoingtofuckyourprettylittlemouth,andyou’renotgoingtobeabletobesuchabossy,impatientlittlebrat.”
Hecoversmymouthwithhis,absorbingmysatisfiedmoanastwofingersslideintome,deliciouslystretchingme.
Ishouldn’thavepromisedtobequiet.
Theslick,wetnoiseofNate’sfingerspumpinginandoutofmewouldbeenoughforeveryonetoknowwithoutmeevensayingaword.Themusicisstillblasting,ourfriendspayingattentiontoanythingbutus,andthefamiliarred-hotpleasureshootsupmyspine.
“Yourpussyissoperfect,”heraspsintomyear.“Sowetandtight.”
Myhipsarebuckingagainsthishand,incoherentpleadsandmoansslippingfrommylips.Mykneestrytoclose,mybodytryingtoshyawayfromthebuildingfeelinginmycore.
Hepinsmylegsopenwithhis,andI’mabouttofallheadfirstintooblivion.“Yougonnacomeforme?Comeallovermyfingers,Anastasia,showmewhatit’sgonnafeellikewhenI’vegotmydickburiedinsideofyou.”
Releasingmyhair,hishandclampsovermymouthtosmothermycriesastheorgasmripsthroughme,andIgivebeingsoloudthewindowsshattermybestattempt.
Everybitofmeisphysicallyshaking,pleasurespreadingthroughmyentirebodyuntilmyeyesrollbackinmyheadandmybackarchesoffhim.Hekeepspumpinghisfingersuntilthespasmingstops,andIslumpintoasticky,satisfiedmessonhischest.
Hegentlypullsouthisfingersandpresseshislipsagainstmydampforehead.“Openyourmouth,”hetellsme,acuriousglintinhiseyesasIlookupathim,confused.
IdoasI’mtold,toocontenttoargue,andwaitwithanopenmouth.Hepresseshistwowetfingersagainstmytongue,andIimmediatelytastetheheady,salty-sweettaste.“Suck.Seehowfuckinggoodyoutaste,”hewhispers.
“Na—”
Themusiccutsoffabruptly,andmyentirebodyfreezes,eyeswideningasNathanquicklypullshisfingersfrommymouthandunpinsmylegssoIcanclosethem.
“DoesanyonewantMcDonald’s?”
***
IpromisemyselftheremainingtenminutesinthecarbacktoMapleHillswillbeuneventful.
Sabrinashootsmeasuspiciousglareoverhershoulderasshedropsthewindow.“It’s,uh,toohot.Needfreshair.”
LookingupatNathan,feelingamixtureofdrunk,sleepy,sated,Iwaituntilhelooksdownatmebeforewhispering.“Doesitsmelllikesex?”
Hesnortsandpresseshislipstomynoseaffectionately.“AllIcansmellisyourshampoo.I’mgoingtobegettinghardoverhoneyandstrawberrybecauseit’llremindmeofthis.Veryimpractical,Allen.”
Nateisright;itisveryimpractical,butrightnowIdon’tmind.Heholdsmeclose,keepingmechattingandlaughinguntilwepullupinfrontofhishouse.
Everyonechargestowardthedoor,somecarryingfullMcDonald’sbagsandothersattemptingtocarryeachother.
IfollowSabrinaintothehousewhileNatehelpsgrabRobbieandJJ,whoaresodrunkthey’refastasleep.Assoonaswe’reoutofearshotoftheotherguys,shetugsmyarmanddragsmetothekitchencorner.“DidyouhavesexintheUber?”
Hervoicesaysoutrage,butherfacesayspride.So,so,somuchpride.
“No,Ididnot!”Technicallynotlying.
“Youdidsomething,AnastasiaAllen.”
Largearmswraparoundmywaistfrombehind,andIfeelhismouthkissmyshoulder.“Brin,Robbiesaidtotellyoutogoandgetyourchickennuggets.”
Hereyeswidenandsheprobablyforgotallaboutthem,knowingSabrina.Whensherunsoffinthedirectionofthelivingroom,Nateturnsmeinhisarmssowe’refacingeachother,apleasedsmirkonhisface.Hepushesmyhairbehindmyears.“Doyouwanttogotobed?”
“Sobadly.”
Grabbingacoupleofwaterbottlesfromthefridge,hethreadshisfingersthroughmine,navigatingustowardthestaircasethroughhisdrunkteammateslitteringthelivingarea.
Heletsmegofirst,hishandgrippingmywaisttightlytoensureIdon’tlosemybalanceintheseridiculouslytallheels.“Stoplookingatmyass,Hawkins.”
“Stophavinganassthatlookslikethat.”
WefinallyreachhisdoorandIpressinthecode,frowningwhenthekeypadflashesredinsteadofgreen.Idoitagain.Red.“Yourdoorisbroken,”Igrumble,tryingonemoretime.
“Itworkedafewhoursago.Areyouputtingintherightcode?”
“Yeah!”Ipunchinthenumbersagain.“Two-five-three-nine…It’sred.”
“Thatisn’tmycode,”hesays,shufflingmeoutofthewaytoputinfourdifferentdigits.Thekeypadimmediatelyflashesgreen.
“Whatdoyoumeanitisn’tyourcode?Haveyouchangedit?”Heshakeshishead,usheringmethroughthedoor.I’madamantI’mright,untilthetequilafogclearsforasplitsecond,andIrealizeI’mnotright.“No,sorry,tequilabrain.It’sthecodeforRyan’sroom.”
It’sliketheroomtemperaturechillsasIwatchalmosteveryemotionsweepacrosshisfaceatonce.Uncappingoneofthewaterbottles,hetakesalargeswig,noddingtohimselflikehe’shavingaconversationI’mnotinvitedto.
Hekicksoffhisshoes,pullsoffhissocks,andunbuttonshisjeans,draggingthemdownoverhismuscularthighs,reachingoverhisshouldertopullhisT-shirtoffhisbody.
Itfeelsunfairtowitnessthisforthefirsttimenotstone-coldsober.I’mscaredI’vemissedamuscleoranab,perhapsafrecklesomewhereonhischest.He’sunbelievable,andhe’snotevenreactingasIshamelesslystareathimashewalksaroundhisroomintight,grayboxers.
HegrabsablackT-shirtfromadrawer,theTitanslogovisibleneartheneck,andhandsittome.Hesighs,finallysayingsomething.“Ryan,yeah,IforgotaboutRyansomehow.Theguyyou’refucking.”
Ishouldhaveseenthisconversationcoming.“We’renothookingup.”
Followinghimwithmyeyes,Iwatchashesitsonthebed,shouldermusclestense.“YoutoldHenryyou’refuckinghim.Ievengottoseehiminyourbed.”
Hedoesn’tsoundmad.Hesounds,Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowhowhesounds;Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingthroughhishead.
“We’vehadafriends-with-benefitsthingforawhile.HewantstodateOlivia,sowe’vestopped.”Ishrug,hopingmybriefexplanationisenough,butIcantellbyhisfaceit’snot.“Wedidn’tevendoanythingtheothernight;wewatchedamovieandwenttosleep.He’smybestfriend,Nate,anditisn’tanyofyourbusiness.Whyareyoujealous?”
Heignoresmyquestions,tuggingmyhipsuntilI’mdirectlyinfrontofhim.Iexpecthimtosaysomethingnow,butagain,hedoesn’t.
Reachingtomyfeet,heunbuckleseachheelandinstructsmetostepoutofthem.Thereliefofpressingmyfeetagainsttheflat,hardfloorafterhoursoftortureisarguablybetterthantheorgasmNategavemeearlier,butIdon’tfeellikenowistherighttimetobringthatup.
Herunshishandsupthebackofmythighsgently.“I’mjealousbecauseIwantyoualltomyself,Stassie,andI’mjealousofanyguyyoufreelygiveyourattentionto.I’mevenjealousofHenry,forfuck’ssake,andIlovethatkid.”
“RyanandIworkedsowellbecausewedidn’tgetjealous.Wedidn’tcarewhattheotherdidoutsideofourarrangement…”
“That’sswell,”hesayssarcastically.“ButI’mnotRyan.”
Hegripsthebackofmythighsandpullsthemforwardsomykneesfalloneithersideofhiships,straddlinghim.I’mpainfullyawareoftheno-pantysituationwhenmydressbeginstorideup,stoppingonlywhenhislargehandssqueezemyass,andheuseshisgriptogrindmypussyagainsthim.
“Idon’twannashareyouwithsomeotherguys.YouknowIcankeepyouperfectlysatisfiedallonmyown,ineverywayyouneed.”
Thisfeelsdangerouslyclosetoexclusiveterritory,somethingIdonotwant.Ibrushhishairbackfromhisfaceandpressmylipsagainstthecornerofhismouthgently.“Stopoverthinkingandfuckme.It’snotthatserious.”
Rollingmeontomyback,Nateclimbsbetweenmylegs,applyingpressureexactlywhereIwantit.MyfingerssinkintohisbacktopullhisbodyontopofminesoIcanfeeleverybreath.Ineedmorefriction,morepressure,morehim.“Doyouhaveacondom?”
Hisnosebrushesagainstmine,once,twice.AgarbledmoanrumblesinhisthroatwhenIrollmyhipsagainstwherehe’sstrainingagainsthisboxers.“Ifuckinghatemyselfrightnow,butwe’renothavingsex.”
OfallthethingsIwasexpectinghimtosay,thatwassomewhererightnearthebottom.“What?”
“Idon’twanttohavesexwithyou.No.Shit,Ido,butnotrightnow.”Hepresseshisforeheadagainstmine,loweringhisvoice.“Iwantyoutowantmewhenyou’resober,Anastasia.Ican’tdoanotherweekofyouavoidingme.Ifuckinghateit.”
Thestingofrejectionsinkstomystomach,andit’slikeIcan’tbreathe.“Oh,okay.That’sfine.C-couldyougetoffme,please?”
“Ididn’tmeanitthewayitcameout;I’msorry.Ijustdon’twanttobeanotherdrunkenhookup.PuttheT-shirton;wecantalkorsleep,whateveryouwannado.”
Whathe’ssayingmakessense,butsomehowitdoesn’tsoothetheembarrassmentI’mfeeling.Mylipwobbles,despitemyattemptstoconcentrateonhimsayinghedoeswantme.ItsoundslikeheonlywantsmeifIofferhimmore,whichIcan’tdo.Theneedtopleasehimandescapehimarebattlingagainsteachotherinmybrain,suffocatingme.
“Stassie,pleasedon’tcry,fuck.Iwantyousobadly;Ijustdon’twantthefirsttimewehavesextobesomethingyouregret.”
Sayingnothingfurther,IreachfortheTitansT-shirtandheadtowardthebathroom.WhenI’vechangedoutofmydress,cheeksstillpinkandeyesthreateningtowater,he’salreadyinthebed,soIclimbinbesidehim.
Heleansoverandpresseshislipstomytemple,kissingrepeatedly.
“Doyouwanttocuddle?”
Irestmyheadagainstthepillow.“I’mnotacuddler.”
Hechuckles,kissingmeonemoretime.“Goodnight.”
Iwaituntilhe’sfastasleepbeforerequestingtheUber.FOURTEEN|NATHAN
SometimesIdon’tusethebrainI’vebeengiven.
It’sembarrassing,andI’mgoingtoownupandsayIdeservetheroundofsilenttreatmentcomingmyway.
I’mafuckingdouchebag.Possiblythebiggestdouchebagthat’severexisted.Whatkindofpersonhasawomanunderthem,awomanthey’vebeendreamingaboutforweeks,andtellsthemthattheydon’twanttofuckthemwhenshe’saskingforacondom.
Icouldn’thavepickedamorevulnerabletimetorejecther;Ididn’tevenmeanto.Ihopesheunderstandsthat.Evenifshedoes,Istillhurther,evenwiththebestofintentions.
IwasjustdrunkandjealousaftershetriedtogetintomybedroomwithRyan’scode.I’vefuckedeverythingupbecauseIwaspetty.
Greatwork,Hawkins.
IwantedtoshowherIdon’tonlywantherwhenI’mdrunk,Iwantherallthetime.Ilikeherspark,andIwanttogettoknowher,butIwellandtrulyfumbledthebag.
Ionlyrealizedshewasn’ttherewhenIrolledover,half-asleep,towrapmyarmsaroundher.She’dobviouslywaiteduntilI’dfallenasleep,notthatIblameher.
SinceIwokeup,I’vebeencallingher,butherphoneisgoingstraighttohervoicemail.SheonlygavemehernumberlastnightandIpracticallydiedofshock.Aftershecame,shewascuteandsleepyanddocile,curleduponmylap,babblingnonsense,askingmelotsofquestions,andlookingupatmewithherbig,blueeyes.
Igrabbedmyphonefrommypockettocheckthetime,andshemutteredaboutnotputtingitinhereyelinesoshedidn’tseeallthenudesIgetsent.Iunlockeditandhandedittoher,tellinghertoenjoyherself,andshewenttocontactsandtypedinhernumber.
“WhatshouldIsavemeas?”
“Yournameisusuallyagoodplacetostart,”Iteased.
Shegiggledaway,tappinghernailsonthebackofmyphone.“Mhmm.That’sboring…Iwanttobe…slutfromtheUber…No,that’salittlelong.UberSlut.Perfect.”
Icouldn’thelpthesnort.“Youcan’tbeserious,Anastasia,”Ichallenged,butshewasalreadytappingawayhappily.
Sonow,I’mstucktryingtogetholdofUberSlut.
UBERSLUT
NATEHAWKINS:AnsweryourphoneStas
NATEHAWKINS:Please
NATEHAWKINS:AnsweryourphoneorI’mchangingyourname
NATEHAWKINS:You’llhavetobesomethingboringlikeStassieorAnastasia
NATEHAWKINS:NomoreUberSlut
NATEHAWKINS:Ihopeyouweresoberenoughtorememberthatconversation.
ThelastthingIfuckingneedisherthinkingI’mcallingheraslut.
Afterstaringatmybedroomceilingforanhourandreceivingzerocallsandtexts,Ifinallydragmyselfoutofbed.
JJ,Robbie,andSabrinaareeatinginthekitchenwhenIfinallymakeitdownstairs,theylooklikehungoverpiecesofshit,butthey’realllaughing.Well,untilIappearandthenSabrina’seyesnarrow.“Bedcold,Hawkins?”
Draggingmyhanddownmyface,Iawkwardlyshuffletowardthem.Ileanmyelbowsacrossthekitchenislandandpreparemyselfforthetorture.“Iknow,Brin,Iknow.Howdoyouknowsoquickly?Youhaven’tevenbeenhomeyet.”
“BecausewesawhertryingtosneakoutofhereinyourT-shirtanhourafteryoutwosnuckupstairs.”
Foronce,JJandRobbiearen’tsayingaword;they’restaringintothecerealbowlslikeit’sthemostexcitingthingthey’veeverseen.“I’vebeencallingher,butshe’snotanswering.What’syourapartmentnumber?I’lldriveoverthere.”
“Haveyoutakentoomanyhitstothehead,hockeyboy?She’supstairs.”Shepicksuphermugofcoffeeandbringsittoherlips,stillgloweringatmeovertherim.“Iwasn’tgoingtolethergetintoanUberdrunkandsadwearingjustaT-shirt.ShesleptinHenry’sroom.”
“AndwheredidHenrysleep?”IaskascalmlyasIcanmanage.
“Idunno,probablysnuggledupnexttoher.”Hersmileishuge,borderlinesinister.“Theyhaven’tcomedownyet.Youknowwhattheysayaboutmeninthemorningbeingglorious.He’ssosweetandkind,it’salwaysthequietones,y’know?Henrywilltreatherrealgood.”
IcanstillhearhercacklinglaughwhenI’mhalfwayupthestairs,definitelytoohungovertoberunninganywhere.“You’renotfunny,Brin!”
Henry’sroomisnexttomine,sothefactIhaven’theardapeepisagoodsign.Iknockonthedoorandwaitforsomeonetotellmetocomein.NowI’mstandingoutsidethedoor,Icanhearherlaughing,Iknockagain,butnobodyanswers.
Fuckit.
FourzerosbecauseHenryistooscaredofbeinglockedoutofhisroomandnotbeingabletogetanyofhisthings
She’sunderthecovers,bareface,wethair,withacoffeemugbetweenherhands.She’schucklingawayatsomethingHenrywassaying,butwhenshespotsme,herfacedropsalittlebeforeforcingasmile.
Muchtomydelight,Henryissittingonahalf-inflatedairmattressonthefloor.Helooksbetweenthetwoofusandstands.“I’mgoingtogetsomebreakfast.”
Heshufflespastmeawkwardly,andwhenIcanhearhimonthestairs,Istepintotheroomandsitatthebottomofthebed.Shesitsupandrestsagainsttheheadboard.She’sstillwearingmyT-shirt,andfuckme,she’sbeautiful.“Stassie,I’msorry.”
Shegivesthesameforcedsmile.“Youdon’tneedtoapologizetome,Nathan.You’reallowedtowithdrawconsentatanytime.I’dnever,everbemadatyourforchangingyourmind.”Shetakesadeepbreath,leaningtoputhermugonthebedsidetable.“Ijus—”
“Stas,stop,”Iinterrupt,inchingclosertoher.“I’msogladyouknowthat,andyou’reright,butit’snotthecasehere.Iwasn’twithdrawinganything,Iwasjustjealous.”God,Ifeelshitadmittingthis.“Ithoughtifwehadsex,you’dwakeupthismorninganddisappear.Ihateyoubeingmadatme,andeverytimeIseemtobreakintotheicyfuckingfortressyouputup,somethinghappens,andI’mbacktosquareone.”
ShelistenstoeverythingIsay:noarguing,noeyerolls,nosass.“Istrugglewithrejection,”shesayssoftly.“I’veneverbeenanygoodatit,evenasalittlekid.Ifeltrejectedandoverwhelmedlastnight,Ionlywantedtohookup,andyoustartedtalkingaboutnotsharingme.”
Sheshufflesonthebed,fiddlingwiththeendsofherhair,andIcantellthisisuncomfortableforher.“IfeellikeyouwantarelationshiporsomethingmorethanI’moffering.I’mreallyattractedtoyou,Nate,butwehardlyknoweachother.I’msorryforleaving.Ijustdidn’tlikeit,anditmademewanttogetawayfromthesituation.”
She’sright.IlikeherandIhaven’tevenconsideredwhatshewants.“Ilikethatyouknowhowtoshareyourfeelings.”
Shesnortsandbringsherkneestoherchest,pullingmyT-shirtoverthemtohugherselftightly.“I’vehadsomuchfuckingtherapy.It’stakenyearsformetosay,‘Istrugglewithrejection.’Dr.AndrewswillbesohappyImanagedtoapplyittoreal-lifesituations.”
“Youcanbehisstarpatient.Listen,I’msorryyoufeltrejected.Thatwasn’tmyintention.”
“Thisissofuckingawkward.Iwantedtorideyourdick,Nathan,notcausedrama.Ineedtobehonest,I’mnotintothewholeexclusivething.Idon’tlikethecommitment.Idon’thavethetime.Myscheduleisfullasitis.”
Shecouldn’tbemoredirectandclear.Idon’tlikeanyofit,otherthanthebitwhereshesaidshewantedtoridemydickbecauseI’dlikethat,butIcan’tfaultherfornotcommunicating.“Ihearyou,Allen,loudandclear.Commitmentphobe,gotcha.Fortherecord,nowwe’reonthesamepage,youcanridemydickanytimeyouwant.”
“Oh,Nate,”shecoosinthecutestandmostpatronizingwaypossible,shootingmeasmilethatgoeseartoear.“I’mnotdrunkanymore.You’rebackonmyshitlist,buddy.I’llconsidertakingyouoffitwhenyougivememyrinkback.”
“Ithoughtitwasprobation?Whendiditbecomeashitlist?AmIatleastatthetopofthelist?AmInumberone?”
“You’redefinitelynumberone.”
***
BeingnumberoneonStassie’sshitlististheeasiestjobI’veeverhad.
We’vetrainedbeforeherandAaroneverydaythisweekbecauseofsomeshitBrady’sgotthemdoingtolearnfromtheirmistakesatregionals.
Theproblemisthateverydaythisweek,we’vestartedlateandfinishedlatebecauseofsomerantFaulknerhasbeenon.She’sbeenstandingsilentlyseethingwithherarmscrossedtightlyacrossherchest,tryingtomurdermewithhereyes.
“Stassie…”I’dtryasIgotofftheiceandwouldhavetowalkpasther
“Don’tevenstart,Nathan,notunlessyouwantmetobeatyouwithyourhockeystick.”She’dsayitsocalmly,itwasevenmoreterrifyingthanifshewasscreaming,andgoosebumpswouldspreadallovermybody.
Yesterday,wewerebusywinningourgameinSanDiego,soshehadtherinktoherself,buttodayIdon’tthinkIwillgetoutofhereinonepiece.IcanseeherinmyperipheralvisionasImoveupanddowntherink.She’swearingababyblueoutfittoday;thesoftanddelicatecolorfeelsweirdlyunsuitableforsomeonesofullofrage.
WhileIcan’tseeherbody,I’dputmoneyonitclingingtohereverycurve,soatleastit’llbethelastthingIseewhenshemurdersme.
IspotherarguingwithAaron,whichpleasesmemorethanitshouldbutdistractsmeenoughforJJtobashintome,sendingmeflyingintotheboards.“Payattention,dickhead.”
Lookingupattheclock,Iknowwe’reagoodfifteenminutesover.Faulknerhassaidwedon’tstopuntilhesaysso,andaslongasBradyisn’tstoodtappingherfootimpatiently,he’spreparedtopushhisluck.
Everymuscleisachingsincehe’sworkinguslikewe’renavyfuckingsealsandw—
Whatthefuckisshedoing?
She’sskatingintothemiddleoftherinkwithalookofsheerdeterminationonherface,andshelooksli—isshestartingherfuckingroutine?She’sgoingtogetflattened.
WherethefuckisAaronorBrady?
“Stassie,getofftheice!”Shedoesn’tevenlookatme,shejustholdsuphermiddlefingerandcarriesonastheguysskatearoundher.
Bobbyskatesupbesideme.“She’sgoingtogethurt,Cap.Yougottadosomething.”
She’sfloatingaroundtherinkbetweentheguys,andIfeellikeI’mtryingtocatchafuckingbutterfly.Avisioninbluespinningandgliding,unfazedbythedangershe’sin.Halftheguyshaven’tevenspottedher,sotheyhaven’tsloweddown,andembarrassingly,I’mstrugglingtocatchuptoher.
CaptainofthehockeyteamandIcan’tkeepupwithafive-foot-fourfigureskater—I’mnevergoingtolivethisdown.
Shefinallyslowsdowntodosomefancyspinningshit,andIclosethegap,scoopingherupovermyshoulder,ignoringhersquealofhorror.Herfistsbangagainstmyback,andit’sagooddaytobewearingprotectiveequipment.
Ihaven’tevensaidaword,butsheknowsit’sme.“NateHawkins,putmedown,now!”
Myhandisgrippingthebackofherthightokeepherinplace;Igiveitasqueeze.“Shutup,Anastasia.Areyoutryingtogetyourselfanotherheadinjury?”
She’stryingtowriggleoff,butmygripistootight,soallshecandoishitatme,andfrankly,I’vehadworse.“Stop.Telling.Me.To.Shut.Up!Putmedown,Nathan!”Theangerisseepingthroughintoeverysyllable,andIknowI’minforitassoonasIputherdown.
TherearepracticallyflamesinhereyeswhenIplaceherbackonthegroundbehindtheboardswhereshe’llbesafe,hercheeksareflushedred,fistsclutchingathersides.
Herhandsflytoherhair,fingerslinkingtogetherassheshakesherheadexasperated,chestheaving.I’mtryingtoconcentrateonheranger,nothertits,butit’shard.“Anas—”
“Ifyouever,”hereyeslockwithmine,andI’mfrozenonthespot,hervoicedangerouslylow,“ever,touchmeagain,NathanHawkins,IwillmakesuretheonlyjobyoucanevergetoniceisaZambonidriver.Understood?”
Ibitemytonguebecause,fuck,Iwanttokisshersobadrightnow.Herhandshavemovedtoherhips,andshe’ssofuckinghotwhenshe’smadatme.“Understood.”
“You’reoverrunningandyou’refuckingupmyschedule.Ihaveplanstonight,andI’mgoingtobelateifyoudon’tgetoffthefreakingiceandletmepractice!”
“Whatareyourplans?”
Shehuffs,crossingherarmsacrossherchest.“Nothingyouneedtobeinvolvedin.”
“Hawkins!”Coachshouts,pullingmyattentionbacktotheice.“Finishup!”
Itakeonelastlookather.“Youlookbeautifultoday.”
Hermouthopensandcloses,mostdefinitelynotexpectingthat.Theangerinherfacebeginstodissolve,hereyessoften,andalmostlikemagic,asplitsecondpasses,anditalldisappears.“Ohfuckoff,Nathan!”sheshouts,stompingawayfromme.
***
Ifeellikeadetectivetryingtoworkoutwhereshe’sgoingtonight.
“Stalkeristhewordthecopswoulduse,Nate,”Henryinformsmefromtheothersideoftheroom.Iwouldn’tevenputitpasthimtoknowwhereshe’sgoing,heprobablyasked,andshetoldhim.That’showshitworkswiththemtwo,isn’tit?
Ipulloutmyphoneandhopeshetakespityonmenowshe’stiredfrompractice.
UBERSLUT
NATEHAWKINS:Whereareyougoingtonight?
UBERSLUT:Whoisthis?
NATEHAWKINS:Youknowwhoitis.
UBERSLUT:Ithinkyouhavethewrongnumber,sorry.
NATEHAWKINS:Hmm.
NATEHAWKINS:Don’tthinkIdo.Areyougoingtoaparty?
UBERSLUT:Meetingsomebikers.
UBERSLUT:Bigones.
UBERSLUT:Fullofsperm.
NATEHAWKINS:Greatchoiceoffilmtoreference.
NATEHAWKINS:Suchabrat.
UBERSLUT:Tellyouwhat,Hawkins.Youfindmebeforemidnight,andyoucanfinallyfuckthis“prettylittlemouth”ofmine.
UBERSLUT:ThatwayIwon’tbeabletobesucha“impatient,bossy,littlebrat.”Deal?
NATEHAWKINS:You’regoingtolooksogoodwithmycockinyourmouth.
UBERSLUT:Happyhunting!
Anastasiahasanaffinityforusingmyownwordsagainstme,butnowshe’sgivenmetheperfectincentivetofindher.
Shit
Henryisright;Isoundlikeastalker.FIFTEEN|ANASTASIA
I’mincrediblypleasedwithmyselfrightnow.
Nateistenminutesawayfrommylocation,withonlyfifteenminutestomidnight.He’sbeenblowingupmyphoneallnight,beggingforclues.Ihaven’tbudged,norhasanyoneelseafterbeingsworntosecrecy.
Everypartyhefailstofindmeat,hegetsmorepissedathimself.Hespenttoolongcheckingfratparties,whichhinderedhischances,andnowI’mwaitingfortheminutestopass.
Twelveminutes.
Acceptinghisincomingvideocall,Ismileashisgrumpyfacefillsmyscreen.“You’restillinLA,right?”
“Ticktock,Hawkins.Yourtimeisrunningout.”
Hedragsahandthroughhishairandblowsoutadefeatedsigh.“Thisispunishment,isn’tit?Forplayinglateallweek?You’restillangry,aren’tyou?”
Standingfromthebed,Istrollaroundtheroom,keepingmyeyesonhisfacewhileholdingthephoneoutfrommybody.“Whatdoyouthink?”
“Ofcourse,you’restillangry.”Hesighs.“Iknowthat.”
Iwalkaroundtheroom’sperimeter,watchingtherealizationsettleoverhisface.“Youshouldknownottofuckwithmyicetime,Nathan.”
Nineminutes.
“You’reinmyfuckingbedroom,”hesaysflatly.“WhydoyouhavemerunningalloverMapleHillswhenyou’reinmybedroom?”
“Didnobodytellyouthereisapartyhappeningatyourhouse?That’sstrange.”
“I’mgoingtokillthem.”
“It’sashameyou’resofarawayandwon’tbebackbymidnight.”Isighdramatically,enjoyingeverysecondofthis.“IthinkI’llgodownstairsandfindsomeoneelsetobebrattywith.Safetravels,Hawkins.”
“Anastasia,wa—”
ConvincingNate’sfriendstomesswithhimwaseasy.
JJ
STASSIE:Ineedafavor.
STASSIE:It’llruinNathan’snight.
JJ:Youhavemyattention.
STASSIE:Mighthavetoldhimhecandosomestufftosomepartsofme
STASSIE:Partshereallywantstodostuffto
STASSIE:Butonlyifhecanfindmeoncampusbeforemidnight.
JJ:AndwheredoIcomeintothis?
STASSIE:Howdoyoufeelaboutthrowingapartyafterhe’sleft?
STASSIE:Onehedoesn’tfindoutaboutuntilaftermidnight
JJ:You’reevil.
JJ:I’min
JJ:He’stextingourgroupchataskingifanyonewantstogoouttonightlmao
JJandIhavedevelopedanunlikelypartnershiprootedinthemutualenjoymentofannoyingNathan.Itstartedlastweekwhentherewasnowheretosit.Natewaslookingover,practicallyundressingmewithhiseyes,soIdecidedtomesswithhimalittle.
Jaidenletmesitonhisknee,jokingifNatewasn’tbesidemewithinninetyseconds,hewouldpickupthewholebartab.Itwastwenty-sevenseconds.
Hewasalsothepersonwhostoppedmefromleavingafterjealousy-gate,puttingmeinHenry’sroomtosleepitoff.Accordingtohim,Natewouldn’tstoptousehisbrainifhefoundmeinhisroom,buthe’dgivethekidthechancetoexplain.
It’sbecauseJJissuchanexceptionallover—hisexplanation,notmine—thatmakeshimathreattoNathan.
ItwasfunstayinginHenry’sroom.There’saboxofessentialslikeshampoo,wipes,hairties,andtamponsinhisbathroom.Iaskedifanexhadleftthem,buthesaidhe’dboughtthemforifawomaneverstayedover.Hewantedtoensureshehadeverythingshemightneed,especiallybecausewomenneverhavetheirownsocks.
IwishIhadasistersoIcouldmakehermarryHenrybecausehemakesmyheartburst.
Makingmywaytothekitchentojoineveryoneelse,it’sclearthespiritsarehigh.It’samiracletheymanagedtokeepthepartyasecret.Mattieappears,holdingabottleofchampagne.“Threeminutes!”RobbiepassesouttheplasticcupswhileMattiepopsthebottle.
“Oneminutetomidnight,”Henrysays,lookingathiswatch.
DespitebeingOctober,itfeelslikeNewYear’sEvebecauseoftheunexplainableexcitementandclockwatching.
Thereisabuzzingatmosphereinthekitchen,andanyoneoutsideofourlittlegrouphasnoideawhat’sgoingon.I’mgladbecauseit’ssofuckingsilly,buttheguysloveit.FromwhatIcantell,they’resickofNatebeingabletogetanygirlhewants.
Three.
Two.
One.
Theguyseruptintocheering,throwingbacktheirchampagneandhigh-fivingeachother.Aheavyarmdropsontomyshoulder,andIlookupatJJ’ssmilingface.“Wemakeagreatteam,Allen.He’saboutthirtysecondsaway.Areyoureadyforthefun?”
BobbyandKrishavebeenon“HawkinsWatch”allnight,secretlysendingupdatesonwherethey’regoingandhisfrustrationlevels.Hesupposedlydoesn’tcareaboutmyproposal;hedoesn’twanttolosetomebecauseI’dbeunbearable.
Whichmightbetheonlythingwe’veeveragreedon.
Thereisaclearlineofsightfromthefrontdoortothekitchenislandwherewe’reallcongregating.Whenhewalksthroughthedoor,thefirstthinghedoesisshakehishead,scanningtheroomfullofpeople.
“Helookspissed.”Sabrinagiggles
“Yeah,that’sforme,”JJsays,downingthecupinonego,andhecan’tshakethesmilehe’swearing.“Ifhedidn’treactthewayhedoes,Iwouldn’tdoit.Hemakesitsofreakingeasy.”
Idecidetomeethimhalfway,partiallyscaredthatifhereachesthekitchen,he’llkillJaiden,whenagirlstepsinfrontofhim,wrappingherarmsaroundhiswaist.
Helookssurprised,evenmoresothantherestofus.Sabrinaleansforward,squinting.“IsthatSummerCastillo-West?”
SummerlivesinourbuildingwithourfriendfromTheHoneypot,andrightnow,she’sonhertiptoeswhisperingintoNate’sear.Hiseyesfindme,andaftersmirkingatme,hewinks.
Idowntherestofmydrink.“Yeah,it’sSummer.”
Anuncomfortable,pokerhotfeelingcreepsupmyspine,althoughitisn’toneIrecognize.Ihavenodesiretofeelitagain;itspreadstomystomach,turningwhenIseeNathantakeSummer’shandandleadhertowardthestairs.
It’snotanger,it’sdeeperthanthat.Agonizingandmaddening,ignitingmelikefire.Ithinkit’sjealousy.Shit.
JJreachesuptoscratchthebackofhishead,confusionetchedintothesoftlinesofhisface.Helookstotheguysforsupport,butthey’reallexaminingtheircups,avoidingeyecontact.Heclearshisthroatandlooksbackatme.“Nate’sbeenchasinghersincefreshmanyear,butshe’snevertakenhimon.I,uh,Idon’tknowwhat’shappeningrightnow.”
Thatmakestwoofus.
Idon’tthinkIblinktheentiretimeNateandSummerareupstairstogether.Afterabouttenminutes,Ifinallyspotheronthestairs,butshe’salone.Rejoininghergrouptocarryondrinking,shedoesn’tlooklikeshejusthookedupwithsomeone.
Headingtowardthestairs,Iconsidermaybethisisn’tagoodidea.I’mfueledbyalcohol,jealousy,andperhapssomedisbelief.What’stheworstthatcouldhappen?
Partofmeexpectstobumpintohimcomingdownthestairs,pullinguphisflyorsomethingequallyasgross,butIdon’t.Pressingthecodeintothepad,therightonethistime,Iwatchitflashgreen.
Nate’ssittingonthebedinthesamespotIwasearlieronthevideocallwithhim.Helookssignificantlyhappierthanhedidwhenhewalkedthroughthefrontdoor,whichinstantlymakesmeirritated.
“Whatthefuckwasthat?”IaskascalmlyasIcan,which,uponhearingmyselfspeak,isn’tcalm.
“Areyoujealous,Anastasia?”
“I’mannoyed.”Hesitsupstraight,smirkingasIapproachhim.“Youmademelooklikeafoolinfrontofourfriends!”
Hescoffs.“YouhadmerunningallovercampuswhenyouwerequiteliterallywhereI’vewantedyouthewholetime.ImaginehowfoolishIfeel.”
“YoufuckedanothergirlupstairsatapartyI’mat!”
Hestands,hisbodyimmediatelytowersovermine,thesweetsmellofhiscolognedrivingallmysenseswild.Hereachesoutandtucksmyhairbehindmyear,ignoringmewhenItrytobathishandaway.
“Inevertouchedher.Shegotherperiodandneededtousethebathroomurgently.I’vebeensittingupherewaitingforyoutocomeandgetangryatme.”Hegripsmychinsoftly,runninghisthumbacrossmybottomlip.“I’vebeeninterestedtoseehowthisnojealousythingyouwereonaboutworks.”
“I—”Fuck.“Well,Iamangryatyou,Nathan.”
“Good.”
“Sofuckingangry.”
“Perfect.”
Ourmouthssmashintoeachotherinacrazed,drunk,anddesperatedisplayofbuilt-upsexualfrustration.Grippingthebackofmythighs,heliftsme,lettingmylegswindaroundhiswaist.Myhandssinkintohishairasourbodiesworkinunisontogetasclosetoeachotheraspossible.
There’snothingromanticaboutwhat’shappening.Mybodyissandwichedbetweenhisandthedoor,ourtonguesfightfordominance,andhishandssinkintomyasscheeks.Atorturedwhimperescapesmewhenhegrindshispelvisintome,andIfeelhowhardheis.
Trailinghismouthalongmyjawline,henibblesatthespotbeneathmyear,makingmywholebodyquiver.“Tellmeyouwantmetofuckyou,Anastasia.”
“Youtellme.”Myhardwordslosetheirimpactwhenhesucksonmyneck,andIliterallymoanthem.BeforeIknowwhat’shappening,hesetsmedownontheedgeofthebedandcrouchestomyfeet,takingoffmyshoes.
Itamazesmehowhecanswitchfromroughtogentleinseconds.Whenmyshoesareoff,Ituckmyfeetbeneathmyassandwatchhimstand.There’sasmallmomentofquietwherewejustlookateachother.Myheartisstillhammering,bloodburningbeneathmyskin,everythinghypersensitive.
Hiseyesarepouringintomine,soIdon’tmisstheflashofsurprisewhenmyhandsreachforhisbelt.“CanI?”
“Fuckyes.”
Hehelpsmestriphimdownuntilhe’sstandinginfrontofmeinonlyhisboxers,whichisthemomentIrealizethereisabsolutelynowayitwillfitinmymouth,oranywhereelseforthatmatter.
NateissmirkingasIsitgobsmacked.IshakeitoffbecauseI’mnotaquitter,andI’mcertainlynotgivinghimthesatisfactionoftellinghimhowbigitis.
“I’vebeentestedrecentlyandthere’snothingtoreport,butIcanputonacondomifyouwantmeto?”heasksasIrunmyhandsupthefrontofhisthighs.
Ishakemyheadandwatchashetakeshimselfout,tighteninghisfistaroundthebaseandpumpingafewtimes.Hebendsdownandkissesmeontheforehead.“TellmetostopifI’mtoorough,okay?”
Onehandholdsthebackofmyneck,andtheotherguideshisharddicktowardme.“Stickyourtongueout,baby.”IdoasI’mtold,muchtohisimmediatedelight,swirlingitagainstthehead,tastingtheheady-saltytasteonmytongue.“That’sagoodgirl.”
Iwrapmylipsaroundthetipandsuckgently.Hishandleavesmyneckandimmediatelysinksintomyhair.“Fuuuck,Stas.”
Hemoansloudly,andjustlikethat,Ilosemyabilitytowaitfororders.
Placingmyhandsonthefrontofhisthighs,Ileanforward,takinghimuntilhehitsthebackofmythroat,andIsplutter.
Aseriesofexpletivesechoaroundtheroom.HisotherhandsinksintomyhairontheothersideasItakecontrol.Iwrapmyhandaroundthebaseandmoveitinrhythmwithmymouth,moaningandgagging,lookingupathimwithwateryeyes.
Hisheadfallsback,stomachmusclesflexing,deep,satisfiedgruntsashishipsdriveforward,nudgingdeeper.“Sofuckinggood,baby.Youaresofuckinggood.”
Histhrustsgetharderandsloppy,tellingmehowcloseheis,andwhenIcuphisballsgentlywithmyfreehand,he’sagoner.
“Oh,shittingfuck,Stassie.”Hishandstighteninmyhairashespasms,andIswalloweverythinghegivesme,eyesstillwateringandthroatraw.
Icleanupthecornerofmymouthwithmythumb,lickingitclean.“Istillfeelbratty,”Itease.“Andimpatient.”
Hislaughisdeep,spearingmeinawayI’mnotusedto.Acontent,post-orgasmglowhasflushedhischeeks,hiseyesareglossyandwild,andhelooksbeautiful.“You’reunbelievable.”
Nathanliftsundermyarmstopullmetomyfeet,tuggingatthestrapofmydress.“Thisneedstocomeoff.”
“Who’sthebossyonenow?”Ispinonthespotsohecanpulldownthezip.Hislipsdroptomyshoulder,kissingmealloverwhilehepullsdownthestraps,andthematerialfallstomyfeet.
Myentirebodyfeelslikeit’sfilledwithfrantic,untamedenergy.He’sbeingsocontrolledandslow,purposelytorturingme,draggingouttheinevitablepleasure.Whenhishandpalmsmybreastsfrombehindandhisfingersrollmynipples,myassinstinctivelyrubsagainsthim.
“Askmenicely,”hewhispersintomyear.“I’llfuckyousogood.”
ThemoreNatetellsmetoasknicely,thecloserIgettotellinghimtofuckhimself.Ibrushhishandsofffromwherethey’reexploringmybodyandcrawlintothemiddleofthebed,proppingmyselfuponthecushions.Hiskneedropsontothebedtofollow,butIpressagainsthischestwithmyfoottostophimfromgettinganyfarther.“Standattheendofthebed.”
Helooksconfusedbutcurious,eyesnarrowingashewalkstotheendofthebed.Myfingersslipbelowthematerialofmypanties,shimmyingthemdownmylegs.
HiseyeswidenwhenherealizeswhatI’mdoing,andheleansforwardtogripthebedframe.Ispreadmylegsaswideasthey’llgo,givinghimtheperfectviewofhowdrippingwetmypussyis,thatway,he’llhavenoproblemwatchingmeplungetwofingersintomyself.“Mhmm,Nathan…”
Theslick,wetsoundistheonlynoiseintheroom,otherthanmycriesandmoansandtheoccasionalJesusChristfromhim.
Hisdickisalreadyhardagain,protrudingproudlyfromhispelviswithcumglisteningontheend.ItaketurnscirclingmyfingersagainstmyswollenclitandpumpingtheminandoutofmewhileNatelookslikehe’scombusting.
Ithinkit’sthemoaningofhisnamethat’sdoingitandhowmybackarchesandIgrindintomyhand.“Asknicely,”Itease.“AndI’llletyoufuckme.”
“You’reanevilwoman,”hegrumbles,handrubbingoverhisface.“Letmemakeyoufeelgood,Stas.”
Hemovestothedrawerandpullsoutacondom,tearingthepacketandrollingitontohimself.Crawlingslowlytowardme,hesettlesbetweenmythighsandreachesforasparepillow,instructingmetoliftmyhipssohecanputitunderthebottomofmyback.
Ican’tconcentrateonwhatI’msupposedtobedoingtomyselfbecausehe’sonhiskneesbetweenmylegs,bodylookinglikeit’sbeensculptedbytheactualgodsandathick,long,harddick.“Doyouwantmetofuckyou,Anastasia?”
“Yes.”Yes,Ido.
Nathanleanshisbodyovermine,onearmsupportinghisbodyandtheothergentlycradlingmyhead.Ireachbetweenus,rubtheheadovermyclit,makingusbothshudder,andlinehimup.
“I’llbegentle,”hemurmurs,affectionatelynudginghisnoseagainstmine.
Isinkmyteethintohisbottomlip,immediatelyrunningmytongueoverthesamespot.“Don’tbegentle.Fuckmelikeyouhateme.”SIXTEEN|NATHAN
IsthisgoingtobewhathappenseverytimeIgetheraloneinmyroom?
Imean,I’mgoodwiththat,butitfeelstoogoodtobetrue.I’vebeenthinkinghowit’dfeeltohaveStassienakedbeneathmeforweeks.
Ithoughtaboutwhatit’dbeliketofuckherwhenshecalledmerichkidhockeystarandproceededtotellmehowmuchshedidn’tgiveashitabouthockey.
Ishouldhaveknownthetroublethatwascomingmywaythen.
IhavenoideahowIwillmakeitoutofthisalivebecausemyimaginationhasn’tdoneherjustice,notevenalittlebit.I’dsayshe’sgoingtoruinallotherwomenforme,butIdon’tthinkaboutanyonebuther.
AssoonasSummersteppedinfrontofme,IknewAnastasiawouldbeunhappy.Sherightfullycalledmeoutforbeingjealousinthepast,sowhentheopportunitytogiveheradoseofherownmedicine,withoutactuallyrejectingher,landedinmylap,Icouldn’tturnitdown.
Iknowwhatitlookedlikefromthekitchen.Iwatchedalltheirfacessinkintohorror.TheguysknowhowlongI’vebeenafterSummer,butforthefirsttime,Iwasn’tinterested.Yeah,Iwasshockedtoo.IgothersometamponsfromtheboxofshitunderHenry’ssinkandsentherbackdownstairs.
IwasexpectingAnastasiatoholdoutlonger.Summerwouldhaveonlyjustreachedthebottomofthestairsbeforeshewasstormingupthem.
Maybeshedidn’tlikeRothwellasmuchasshelikesme,andshedoeslikeme,evenwhenshesaysshedoesn’t.
It’sidealshewasherethewholetime.NowIcankeepheruphereallnightandfuckthejealousyoutofher.Iaffectionatelynudgemynoseagainsthers.“I’llbegentle.”
Herteethsinkintomybottomlip,catchingmeoffguard,hertonguesweepingoverthesamearea.“Don’tbegentle.Fuckmelikeyouhateme.”
JesusChrist.“I’mnotgoingtoactlikeIhateyou,Anastasia.”
Herbodysquirms,desperatelysearchingforsomethingtodulltheache.Hereyesnarrow,andsheleansforwardsowe’renosetonose.“Why?”
“BecauseIcouldneverhateyou.”Iholdthebackofherheadtokeephermouthnexttomine,absorbingherloud,satisfiedcrywhenIslideintoher,stretchingherslowly.“I’mgoingtofuckyoulikethistightlittlepussyismine.You’lltakeitlikeagoodgirl,won’tyou?”
I’vestunnedusbothtosilence,exceptforourmatchedpantsandhersoftmoanwhenIrollmyhips.She’ssoakingwetandisgrippingmesofuckinggood,it’shardtobelieveI’mexpectedtodoanythingelseeveragain.
It’stakingeveryshredofself-controltostaystillandletheradjust,knowingherbossyasswillletmeknowwhenshe’sready.It’snotuntilI’mhoveringoverherthatIrealizehowmuchbiggerthanherIam.
“Youjusthadtogivemeallofit,didn’tyou?Fuckingshowoff.”Herfingertipstravelacrosstheplanesofmybackasherhipsbegintowriggle,thesignIneedtopullbackandthrustforwardagain.
“I’monlygivingyouhalf.”Herhoodedeyessnapwideopen,andshesitsuptolookdownatwhereourbodiesjoin.“ButIthinkyoucantakemore.”
Pullingback,IthrustforwardasfarasIcanuntilImeetresistance.Hernailssinkintomyshoulders,backarchingpushingherstomachintomine.“OhmyGod.”
“Youfeelsofuckinggood,Anastasia,suchaperfectpussy.”Herlegswraparoundmyhips,anklescrossingatthebottomofmyback,tighteningtokeepmetherewhenI’mdeepinsideher.
“Nate,”shewhisperslikeaprayer,“it’ssobig.Full.Ah.”
She’stryingtofinishmejustwithherwords,andfuck,shemightmanageitifshecarrieson.Myheadfallstohershoulder;Ipressmylipsagainsthercollarbone,thenupherneckuntilourmouthsarecrushedtogether,adesperatethrashingoftonguesandlips.
Onehandtugsmyhair,andtheotherclawsatmyback.She’sclose;Icantellbythewayshe’swrithingbelowme,bythewayherbreathhitcheswhentheendofmycockbrushesagainstherG-spot,bythewayherfacetwistswithecstasywhenIgetdeeper.
Iremovethehandcradlingherheadandslipitbetweenus,thumbrubbingagainstherswollenbundleofnervesuntilherwholebodyisarchingandherjawdrops.“Comeallovermycock,Stas.Giveittome.”
Herentirebodytightensasshecriesmynameintomyshoulder,nailssinkingsodeepI’dbesurprisedifshehasn’tdrawnblood.WithherpussypulsingaroundmeasIslowdown,IpressmylipsagainstherforeheadandrollusoversoI’monmyback,herbodysoftandlimponmychest,mycockstillburiedinsideher.
“Thatwas…”shepants.“Youare…Didyoucome?”
“Notyet.Iwannawatchyourideme.”
StassieontopofmehasbeenthestarthoughtofeveryshowerI’vehadforthepastweek.Eversinceshesaiditoutloud,it’sallI’vethoughtabout.Thewayhereyesglimmerasshelooksatmyface,acoysmirkonherlips,IknowI’mfuckinginforit.
Shesitsupstraight,slidingdownonmydickslowlyuntilshe’stakeneveryinch.Ilookatthespacebetweenherlegswherewe’rejoining,andthereisn’taslitherofspace.
Jeeeeeeez.
“Likethis?”sheasksgently,brushingherhairfromherface.Inod,handssinkingintoherhips,unabletoformulateanyactualwords.Herhipsswirlandgrinddown,andmybreathcatchesinmythroat.“Orlikethis?”
“Yeah,baby,justlikethat,”Itellher,voicestrained.
IknowStassieisflexiblefromwatchingherskate.SoIdon’tknowwhyI’msosurprisedwhenshestretchesherlegsouttoeachside,doingthesplits.“Whataboutlikethis?”
Can’ttalkorthink.Igodeeper;Idon’tfuckingknowhoworwhereit’scomingfromorwhereit’sgoing.Sheplacesherhandsonmystomach,liftingherselfupanddown.Theboltofpleasurecrashesintomehard,andI’mgrippingherhipssotightshe’llhavemarksfordays.“You’reincredible,fuckingincredible.”
Everyrockofherhipsistheperfectrhythm,andI’mlosingmymind.Isnapmyhipsupasshecomesdown,andherheadfallsback.“Rightthere,yeah,rightthere…”
Collapsingontomychest,herfingersreachuptogripmyhair.Stillrockingbackagainstmythrust,thesatisfyingsoundofslappingskinechoesaroundtheroom,andI’msuddenlygladthere’saloudpartyontheothersideofmydoor.
Stassie’sbodyisperfect;strongandflexible,witharound,fleshyassandfulltits.Noneofthatevenmatterswhenitcomestohowfuckinggooditisfeelinganorgasmripthroughher.
“Yougonnacomeformeagain,Anastasia?”Iteaseasherlegstrembleandherfingersdigintomyskin.
Shemumblessomethingincoherentunderherbreath,hertannedskinshimmeringundermybedroomlight,babyhairsstucktoherforehead,anexhausted,satiatedlookonherfacewhileshetakeseveryinchlikeafuckingchampion.
Iwrapmyarmaroundherwaisttokeepmyholdonherandslipmyotherbetweenourjoinedbodies.Iapplylightpressuretoherclitandsheshatters.
Ideserveamedalfornotbustingrightnowbecauseherentirebodytightens,whichsecondsagoIwouldhavesaidwasimpossible.She’strembling,hipsbuckingassheridesoutherorgasm,cryingmyname.
“You’reademon.”Shereachesup,pressingherlipstomine,ourbodiesstillstucktogetherinthebestway.“Real-lifefreakingdemon.”
“Ineverhadyoudownasaquitter,Allen.”Ituckthehairhangingoverherfacebehindherears,cuppingherfaceinmyhand.Itakeasecondtolookather.Flushedcheeksandalazysmileassheturnsherheadtokissthepalmofmyhand.“Youaresogoddamnbeautiful,y’know?”
“You’realreadyfuckingme,Hawkins.Youdon’thavetoblowmyegotoo.”
Theresheis.
Mypost-comingdocile,affectionategirlisgone,hertypicalbrattyattituderestored.Islapmyhandagainstherasscheek,rollingherontoherbackagain.Pullingoutofher,IchuckleatherwhimperofdisappointmentandhersqueakofsurprisewhenIflipherontoherstomach.“Ican’tgoagain.”Shemoans.“Ican’t.”
ItugherhipsuntilherassisintheairandthisviewiswhatI’mgoingtodreamabouteverynight.“Youwannastop?”Shelooksatmeoverhershoulderandshakesherhead.“Good,holdontothebed.”
Herhandsreachoutandgripthebarsofmybedframe,headrestingagainstapillowtryingtowatchmeasIpositionmyselfbehindher.
Igenuinelydon’tthinkI’veeverbeenthishard.
Irubmycockupanddown,takingextratimetocircleheroversensitiveclit,makingherbodyshudder.Whenshe’simpatientlywhimpering,Ifinallylinemyselfupandsinkintoheragain.
Shemeetseverythrustforwardbypushingbackontome,herassbouncingoffmeandlettingmegoevenharder.Myhandsfitperfectlyinthecurveofherwaist,andthenoisesshe’smakingaren’tgoingtoletmelastlonglikethis.“ItoldyouIwasgoingtofuckthispussylikeit’smine,Anastasia,’causeitisfuckingmine.”
“Nathan…”She’smoaningbutstillmanagestosassme.“Inyourdreams.”
“Letgoofthebed.”Satisfactionbubblesundermyskinwhensheimmediatelylistenstome,doingwhatshe’stoldforonce.Pullingherbacktomyfront—Iwanthercloser,needhercloser—Irunmytonguealonghershouldertoherneck,tastingthesaltysheenonherskin.
Oneofmyhandssnakesupherbodytohertits,andtheothercupsbetweenherlegs,feelingmydickmoveinandoutasshebouncesonitinaferventrhythm.Herentirebodyistrembling,chestheaving,pussythrobbingaroundme.“It’stoomuch.It’stoogood,Ican’t.”
“Don’tbeaquitter,Anastasia.”Myfingersslowlyteaseherclit,deliberateandcontrolled,andshe’salmostthere.Hermouthtiltstowardme,hipsbuckingandgrinding,eyesrollingback.Icrashmymouthintohersasshescreams,squeezingmesofuckingtightIcan’tholdback,spillingintothecondom.
It’slikefirespreadingacrossmyentirebody,consumingandengulfingme,suffocatingmeintheflames.I’mtwitchingandspasminginsideherwellafterwe’vestoppedmoving,thepleasurefloodingthroughme.
“Wasthatbetterthanhatesex?”Igrumble,foreheadfallingtohershoulder.
Shestartslaughing,herbodywigglinginmyarms.“Oh.My.God.Shutup,Nathan.”
***
Thedownsideofhavingahousefullofpeople,otherthanhavingahousefullofpeople,istryingtosneakaround.
Afterfinallyconvincingmyselftoslipoutofher,Idisposeofthecondomandpullonsomesweatpants.Shelooksoverfromthebed,nosescrunchingwhensherealizesI’mamanonamission.
“You’vemeltedallmybones,”Anastasiasays.She’snakedonmybed,herstomachflexingasshetakescontrolledbreaths.Shelooksincredible.Unbelievably,afterallthat,mydicktwitches,butifIsuggestgoingagainrightnow,she’llmurderme.Shewatchesmecrosstheroomtowardthebedroomdoor.“Whereareyougoing?”
Ikissherforeheadandpullablanketoverher,ignoringherfrown.“I’mabouttoopenthisdoor.Doyouwanttoriskwhoevermightbestandingoutsideofitseeingyoubutt-assnaked?”Sheshrugs.“I’mgoingtostealshitfromHenry.I’llbebackinaminute.”
HenryistheMVPtonightandIthinkI’llbegoingtoTargettomorrowtobuyaboxofgirlshit.Ipunchinallthezerosandstrollthrough,gettingtheshockofmylifewhenHenryisinhisboxersmakingoutwithahalf-nakedgirlonhisbed.
“Ohshit!”Ishout,coveringmyeyes.“I’msorry,buddy,fuck,Ineedtogetthatboxofstufffromyourbathroom.I’msorry…”
“Daisy,”themysterygirlsays.
Ikeepmyhandovermyeyesandheadtowardthebathroom,closingthedoorbehindme,immediatelyfindingwhatIneed.I’vestolenshowergel,shampoo,conditioner,ahairtie,andabrush.Itakeonelastlook,decidingtograbsomesockstoo.IbalancethemononearmandusemyothertoshieldmyeyesasIventurebackoutintowhatshouldbeclassedasno-man’s-land.
“She’sgone.Youcanmoveyourhand,”Henrysaysflatly.
“I’msorry,kiddo.Ididn’tthinkyou’dbeuphere.Who’sthegirl?”
“SomeoneIknow.She’sBriar’syoungersister.”HesighsandIfeelsoguilty.“Nexttimeyou’vegotagirl,Cap.Don’tleaveheralone,orI’mtakingher.”
Great.“Youprobablycould,bud.Iwon’tcomeback,Ipromise.Gofindyourgirl.”
AnastasiaiswhereIleftherwhenIletmyselfbackintomyroom.“JustcockblockedHenrybyaccident.Nomoretalkingtohim,Allen.HesaidifIleaveyoualone,he’stakingyou.”
She’sstilllaughingafterI’veputthesuppliesinthebathroomandwalkedbacktomybedtoscoopherup.
“Hecould,y’know.He’sgotthatmysteriousbutsweetthinggoingon.”
Don’tIknowit.WomenloveHenry.Iturntheshowerontothecorrectpressureandtemperatureandstepusin,gentlyputtingherbackonherfeet.Ireachfortheshampooandshehuffs.“Nathan,Icandothismyself.”
“WhywouldyoudothatwhenI’mheretodoitforyou?”Shedoesn’tfightmeasImethodicallymovemyfingersthroughherhair,coatingeverystrandinsudsandwashingthemaway.
Myfingerssinkintohershoulders,herbodylulls,andsheleansbackintomychest,sighingcontently.It’squietandpeacefulhere,astarkcontrastfromearlier,well,untilIpickuptheconditionerbottle,squintingatthetinyinstructions.“Wherethefuckdoesthisgo?”
Shefoldsoverlaughing.“Theends.”
Iscrubherfromheadtotoeandwhenwe’redone,Iwrapherinthebiggest,fluffiesttowelI’vegot.StassieflipsfromtameandpassivetoirritatedquickerthananyoneIknow,butbythewayshe’ssnuggledintomychest,youwouldn’tknowit.
IgrabheraTitansT-shirtfrommydrawerandpullitoverherhead,pullingonsomeboxersmyselfbeforelayingherdownonthebedandclimbinginbesideher.
Icouldn’tcarelessabouttheloudpartyoutsidemydoor.Iflickoffthelightsandliedownbesideher,wrappingmyarmsaroundher,whensheimmediatelyshufflestowardme.Shedrapesherbodyovermineandimmediatelyfallsasleep,softsnoresticklingagainstmychest.
Insteadofgoingtosleepmyself,Ilieinthedark,listeningtoherbreathingandtryingtodeviseaplantomakehernotwanttodothiswithanyoneelse.
AndIcomeupwithabsolutelynothing.SEVENTEEN|ANASTASIA
It’shardtobehappyabouthavingthebestsexofyourlifewhentheguyyoudiditwithisimpossiblyannoying.
“Lookatmyneck,Nathan!”Ifume,catchingmyreflectioninthemirrorwhenwestepoutoftheshower.Ididn’teventhinktolooklastnight,butthehickeysareincrediblyboldandangrylookingthismorning,standingoutagainstmyneck.“Ilooklikeleecheshaveattackedme!Whoareyou?FuckingDracula?”
“I’llbuyyouascarfwhenIgotoTarget,”hesaysnonchalantly,examininghishandywork.Iwatchhiminthemirror,theunmistakablelookofprideonhisface.“Stopbeingdramatic.”
“Stopbeingdramatic?Ifyouhandmeascarf,Iwillstrangleyouwithit,”Ishootback,unravelingmytoweltodrymyself.“Ihavetoteachkidsthismorning.Doyouknowwhatkidsnotice?Absolutelyeverything.”
“Youaresofullofrageforsomeonesosmallandcute,”heteases,kissingtheuglymarksonmyneck.
“Ihateyou.”
“No,youdon’t.”Hishandtravelsacrossmybarestomach,andhepullsmybodyclosetohis.Thetowelhangingonhishipsdoesnothingtohidehoweagerheisformenottogotowork.Hisvoiceislowanddarkashewhispersintomyear.“Iwantyouagain.”
“Mhmm.Icantell.”
“Quityourjobsowecangobacktobed.”
WhyamIgettingwetfromfourwords?
WhydidIconsiderquittingmyjobforasplitsecond?
Isthiswhatbeingdicknotizedfeelslike?
“Wedon’tallhaveatrustfund,Hawkins,”Isay,snappingoutofitandwigglingoutofhisgrip,mutteringexpletivesundermybreath.
I’mstillmutteringthreatsaboutcoveringhiminhickeyswhenheushersmeintohiscar,andhe’sstillsmilinglikeafool.
Lastnightwassomethingelse.Idon’tknowwhetheritwasallthebuilt-upsexualfrustrationortheexcitementofthegame,butthemanknowshowtousehisdickforthegreatergood.
Idon’tthinkIslept.Imighthavepassedoutfromtheexhaustionofbeingrailedsowell.ThismorningwhenImentionedthedullachebetweenmylegsasweclimbedintotheshowertogether,heaskedmecouldhekissitbetter.
Andhedid.Twice.
“Wantmetocomeup?”heasksaswepulluptomyapartmentbuildingsoIcangetchangedbeforework.
Ishakemyhead.“You’lldistractme.Iwon’ttakelong.”
TherealreasonisIdon’thavetheenergytodealwithhowAaronwillreactifIshowupwithNatecoveredinhickeys.
Thankfully,AaronisstillinbedwhenIletmyselfintotheapartment.OnceI’minmybedroom,Idecidetheonlyappropriateoutfittodayissomethinginvolvingaturtleneck.Oncemyneckmonstrositiesaresuitablycovered,IheadbackdowntoNate.
“Iwouldn’tbeabletoconcentrateifyouweremyskatingteacher.”Natereachesoverthecenterconsoletoresthishandonmythigh,fingerstracingpatternstheentirejourneytoSimone’s.Whenwefinallypullupoutsidetherink,heturnstomewithahopefullookonhisface.“CanIwatchyouteach?”
“Absolutelynot,”Isay,hoppingoutandgrabbingmybag.“Thanksfortheride,”
“Stassie,”heyellsasIstarttoclosethedoor.“CanIseeyoulater?”
Ireachintomybagandpulloutmyplanner,flickingtoOctober23.Work,study,gym,dinner.“No,sorry,I’mbusy.Bye,Nate.”
“Stas!”heshoutsagain,stoppingmeinmytracks.“Whatabouttomorrow?”
MyeyesscanoverOctober24.“Nope,busy.Igottago,andifyoushoutatmeagain,Iwillkickyourcar.Ican’tbelate,bye!”
I’mnoteventhroughtheentrancedoorsbeforemyphonebuzzesinmypocket.
NATE
NATE:Monday?
STASSIE:Busy.
NATE:Tuesday?
STASSIE:Busy*thumbsdownemoji*
NATE:Wednesday?You’rekillingmehere,Allen.
STASSIE:YouhaveagameinArizona.
NATE:Fuck’ssake.
NATE:Howdoyouknowthat?
STASSIE:Brin—thehockeyexpert—Allali
NATE:Thursday?Youhavetrainingafterus.I’llwaitforyou?
STASSIE:IhavetogotothemallonThursdaytogetaHalloweencostume.
NATE:Same.
NATE:Weirdcoincidence.
NATE:Let’sgotogether.
STASSIE:*eyerollemoji*Sure.
Weirdcoincidence,myass.
Thekidsseemtobefullofextraenergytoday,sobythetimeI’msittingformylunchbreakI’mexhausted.I’mtryingtodecidewhattoeatwhenmyphonebuzzesonthetable,andNate’snameflashesup.
NATE
NATE:CanIpickyouupfromwork?
STASSIE:NoneedI’llgetanUber
NATE:That’smakesnosense.Letmepickyouup.
STASSIE:Youmakenosense.
NATE:Onlybecauseyoufuckedmybrainsout
STASSIE:Ffs
NATE:3?
STASSIE:Yeah.Don’tbelate!You’vegottatakemestraighthome.
NATE:Noshenanigans.
NATE:Scoutshonor.
STASSIE:There’snowayyouwereaBoyScout.
NATE:IwasbutIgotkickedout.
STASSIE:Why?
NATE:IaccidentallysetRobbieonfirewhenwewere8*fireemoji*
Aspromised,he’swaitingformeintheparkinglotwhenIwalkoutofworkatthreep.m.onthedot.
“Hey,firestarter,”Itease,climbingintothepassengerseat.Heleansoverandcupsmyfacewithhishand,greetingmewithatoe-curlingkissthatsendsashiverthroughmyentirebody.
I’mtryingnottooverthinkit.Iwouldn’tthinkanythingifRyankissedme,andthismandidfilthythingstomybodylastnight…andthismorning.Iprobablyshouldn’tbeconcernedaboutalittlekiss.
“Hi,”hechirps,puttingthecarintodriveandpullingawayfromtheparkingspot.“Speakingofstartingfires,gimmeyourplannerrightnow,Allen.”
Iclutchmybagtomychestandbathisincominghandaway.“No.Whywouldyouevenjoke?”
“Becausethatthingisruiningmyweek.Whyareyousobusy?”Hishandsettlesonmythigh,momentarilydistractingme.“Whatcouldyoupossiblybedoingthatmeansyoudon’thaveanytimeforme?”
Thethigh-holdingIcandealwith.Ican’tdealwiththepatternsandtheoccasionalsqueeze.ThatshitismakingmyvaginascreamandI’mnotsureshe’sreadyfortheconsequencesofbeingahorny,littleslut…again.
“Idon’tknow,Nate.Maybegettinganeducation?TrainingsoIgettofulfillmydreamofbeingontheOlympicskatingteam?Chores?Mealprep?Working?”HisfingersdigintomythighplayfullyandIsquirminmyseat.“You’llseemebeforeorafterpracticeandIhaveThursdayeveningfree,that’swhenIusuallyhoo—havetimeforfriends.”
Don’tsayhookup,Stassie.
“Isupposeifit’stosupportyourlifelongdreams,Icouldprobablyfindawaytobeokaywithit.Whendidyoustarthavingsuchameticulouslyplannedlifestyle?”
“WhenIwasaboutnine.”
“Nine?!”hesplutters.“Youwereanine-year-oldwithacolor-codedplanner?”
“Notquite.”It’shardtoknowwhentostartdroppingthedetailsofyourlifeinafriendship.It’snotasecret,anditisn’tsomethingI’mashamedof,butstill.“Icanexplainifyouwantmeto,butit’smaybealittledeepforaSaturdayafternoon.”
Hesqueezesmythighagain,lookingoveraswerolltoastopsign.Henods,encouragingme.“I’mgoodwithdeep.”Hiseyespressshut.“Notlikethat.”
Trustme,Iknow,butthat’savery,verydifferentconversation.
Focus,Anastasia.
“Okay,soI’vealwaysknownIwasadopted.Myparentsaresuper-lovingpeople.They’vealwayswantedthebestforme.”Goodstart.“Theyputmeineveryextracurricularactivitybecausetheywantedtogivemethebestopportunities.IstartedskatingandIwasadvanced,andIkeptbeingmoreadvanceduntilsomeonerealized,okay,she’safigureskater.”
Istareatmyhands,pickingatthecornerofmynails.“Theytoldmehowproudtheywereeverysingleday.HowIwasgoingtobeastar,afamousskater,anOlympian.”
Nate’shandrubsupanddownmythighgently.“Thatsoundslikealotforalittlekid.”
“Ifeltthiscrushingpressure,whichnowasanadultIrealizewassevereanxiety,butIlovedskatingsomuch,andIwantedtobethebestforthem.”Hisfingersthreadbetweenmine.“Ithoughttheywouldn’twantmeanymoreifIfailed.”
“Oh,Stas.”Hesighs.
“Lookingatitasanadult,it’sridiculousbecausetheylovemesomuch.ButIwassoscaredthey’drejectmeifIdidn’tdowellforthem,anditspiraledintothisintenseobsession.”
Hedoesn’tsayanything,whichIappreciate.
“Icouldn’texplainhowIwasfeeling,andI’dbecomeupsetandfrustrated,sotheyputmeintherapy.Foragoodreason,Iwasbecominganightmare.Dr.Andrewstaughtmehowtocommunicatemyemotions.”
“Andtheplanner?”
“Itstartedasatherapyactivity.Ifeltoutofcontrol,whichseemsunbelievableforsuchayoungkid.IhadtositwithmyparentsonaSundaynightandwriteoutwhatIhadtodothatweek.”
“Smart.”
“Threecategories.WhatIhadtodo,whatI’dliketodoifIhadtime,andwhatIwasgoingtodoformethathadnothingtodowithschoolandskating.”
Ishuffleinmyseat,uncomfortablebecauseI’mundoubtedlyoversharingatthispoint,buthelooksoverandnods,urgingmetocontinue.
“ItwasashinystickerchartthingwhenIwasyounger.ItmademefeellikeIcoulddoeverythingwithoutspiraling,andastimepassedandIgotolder,itmorphedintoaplanner.”
“Sod—”
“Pleasedon’taskmeifIknowmybirthparents,”Iinterrupt.“I’mperfectlyhappywithmyparents,andI’vegotnodesiretogodiggingupmypast.”
“Iwasn’tgoingtoaskthat,Stassie.”Hebringsthebackofmyhandtohismouth,plantingakissrightonmyknuckles.“Iwasgoingtoaskifthoseridiculouslyoptimisticquotesyoupostaresomethingtodowiththerapy,orifyoujustlikecatfishingpeopleintothinkingyou’renotthemosttemperamental,bossy,andterrifyingwomantheymayevermeet?”
“Excuseyou.I’mnottemperamentalorbossy.”
Laughingatmyshockedface,hekissesmyknucklesagain.“Ifeelliketheevidenceweighsheavilyinmyfavor.”Wefinallyreachmybuildingandhefindsaspotawayfromthenormaldrop-offarea.“Thankyouforsharing.”
“Thanksforlistening.Iknowitwas…alot.”
“Icanhandlealot.Besides,Ilikehearingwhatmakesyoutick.It’simportantformetobeabletobethereformyfriends,knowingstuffhelps,Iguess.”Mymouthopenstorespond,andit’simmediatelycoveredwithalargehand.“Donottellmewe’renotfriends.Weare.”
Iniphispalm,causinghimtowhiphishandaway,laughing.“Thatisn’twhatIwasgoingtosay.”Hepinsmewithaskepticalglare.“Okay,itwasn’ttheonlythingIwasgoingtosay.Iwasgoingtosayyourfriendsspentalotoftimeconvincingmeyou’reagoodperson,sowhateveryou’redoingisworking.”
Ashit-eatinggrinspreadsacrosshisface.“DidyoujustadmityouthinkI’magoodperson?Didyou…complimentme?”
“OhmyGod.I’mleaving.Thanksfortheride.”
Natedoesn’tletmeleave,instead,heleansoverandkissesthelifeoutofme.
WhichIlethimdo.Fortwentyminutes.
Ispendtheshortrideintheelevatoruptomyfloortryingtoregaincontrolofmyfacialexpressions,becauseIneverlookthishappyafterwork.Steppingintotheapartment,AaronandSabrinaarebothhome,bickeringaboutnonsenselikenormal.
AnxietyspikesinmybodywhenAaronspotsme,immediatelylookingatmewithastrangeexpression.Idropmybagonthefloorandreachforaglasstogetadrink.“Hey.”
Ignoringmygreeting,hemovestowardmeanduseshisfingertomovethefabriccoveringmyneckslightly.It’sthatsmallactionthatmakesmerealizeit’ssliddown.Fuck
“YouneedtotellRothwelltoeatadecentmealbeforelettinghimnearyou,Stas.”Hescoffs.“Itlookscheapashell.I’mnotskatingwithyouatsectionalsifyouhavethose.”
“Getoffherdick,IcePrincess,”Brinshoutsathimfromthecouch.“Don’tbealittlebitchbecauseyou’renotgettinglaid,andStassiefinallygetsthehockeyhype.”
“Hockeyhype?”Helooksbetweenusfranticallyandmyheartsinks.“You’refuckingNateHawkins,aren’tyou?”
Brin’seyeswiden,realizinghermistake.
“It’snoneofyourbusiness.”Itisn’thisbusiness.I’manadultwomanandIcandowhatIwant,butitdoesn’tstopmefromknowingI’mabouttogetshitfromAaron,whichfillsmewithdread.OvertheyearsI’velearnedwhichbattlesIcanwin,andoneswherehe’salreadydecidedwhathethinksofsomeoneisn’toneofthem.“Dropit.”
“Whydoyoumakesuchhorriblefuckingchoices?JesusChrist.It’slikeyoudon’trespe—”
“Finishthatsentence.”Brinsnarls,stormingtowardus.“Ifuckingdareyou,Carlisle.FinishthatsentenceandseewhatchoicesImake.”
Hehuffsandrollshiseyes,stompingawayfromusinthedirectionofhisbedroom,mutteringsomethingaboutlivingwithwomenunderhisbreath.
Whenhisdoorslamsshut,Sabrinaflingsherselfatme,suffocatingmewithatighthug.“Sorrysorrysorrysorry.”
“Mhm.Youwillbe,Allali.”
***
ThursdayarrivesandfivedaysafterAaronstartedsulking,Icanconfirmheisstillsulking.He’shardlysaidtwowordstomesinceIarrivedhomefromworkonSaturday,whichworksforme,butmakesforachillylivingsituation.
I’vekeptmyselfbusyandafterwhatI’mcallingplannerwizardry,I’vesomehowmanagedtogetmyselfaheadofscheduleandfreeupmytimeuntilSunday.
“Phoneaway.”Henrydoesn’tevenlookupfromhissketchbookashebarkshisorderatme.“OrItakeitagain.”
Ireluctantlydoashesays,tuckingmyphonebackintomypocket.Henryhasbeenmystudybuddyallweek,keepingmecompanyinthelibraryandconfiscatingmyphonewhenIgetdistractedbymessagesfrompeskyhockeyplayers.Plural,becauseJJblowsupmyphonemorethananyoneelse.
Sofar,Henryhasn’tdoneanystudyinghimself,claiminghepreferstoprocrastinateuntilthelastminute,thenstudyunderduressandthefeelingofimpendingdoom,buthediddrawmeasagiraffe,whichwasnice.
I’mnearlyfinishedwithmyassignmentwhenIhearHenry’spencilknockagainstthelibrarytablewe’reworkingat.“YouknowNathanwouldn’tabandonyou,right?”
“Huh?”
“Yesterday.YousaidyouwouldbehappytofallinlovebecauseIwouldn’tabandonyou.Nathanwouldn’teither.”
LikemostconversationswithHenry,hiswordscatchmeoffguard,evidentbythegarbledlaughthatsoundsabitlikechokingthatescapesmylips.“Itwasjustajoke,Hen.”
Inexchangeforahotchocolatewithmarshmallows,yesterdayHenrygavemeaverydetailedaccountofhowhewouldmakemefallinlovewithhimifNateweretoeverruinthechancesofhimgettinglaidagain.Naturally,myimmediatereactionwastotellhimIwastotallyokaywithfallinginlovewithhim,foolishlyaddingthattherewasabsolutelynowayhe’deverabandonme,sotoletmeknowwhenthetimecame.It’sclearlybeenonhismind.
“Youdon’tneedtolietome,Anastasia.Anicegirllikeyouisn’tsinglewithoutareason,youdon’tneedtotellmeaboutit,butIwantedyoutoknowhewouldn’tabandonyou.”HelookssogenuinewhenhesaysitthatIwanttocry.“He’sneverabandonedme,andI’monlyhisfriend.Hegetstoseeyounakedandthat’sultimatelymoreappealing.Beforeyousayhedoesn’t,mybedroomisrightnexttohis,andyouareincrediblyloudwhenyouclimax.”
Icanfeeltheblooddrainfrommyface.“That’s…goodtoknow.Andonthatenlighteningnote,it’stimeforustoheadtotherink.”
HenryandIpackupourthingsandheadacrosscampustowardthearena.Wechatcasually,thankfullyabouttopicsnotinvolvinghowIsoundwhenIorgasm.BeingfriendswithHenryiseasy;youknowwhathesaysisthetruth,andthereisnosneakinessorbackhandedness.Thisweek,thatkindofunfilteredhonestyhasbeenahugecomfortinthefaceoftensionwithAaron,andI’mmorethanalittleguttedwhenwearriveattherinkandheimmediatelyditchesme.
Whycouldn’thehavebeenafigureskater?
Itrytoconcentrateonmywarm-upandnothowhotNathanlooksshoutinginstructionsathisteam.BythetimeI’msteppingontotheicemyself,I’mmorethanalittleflushed,butAaronimmediatelyputsastoptothat,becausehisshittyattitudeislikebeingsweptupinablizzard.
“He’sdistractingyou,Anastasia.You’rebeingsloppy.Stopwastingmytimeifyou’renotgoingtoputtheeffortin,”Aaroncomplains,gesturingtowardNate,whoiswatchingfromthestands.TodayisthedayNateandIareheadingtothemall,andIsaidhecouldwatchmeskate.IknewitwasamistakewhenIsaidyes,anticipatingAaronbeingadick,butheaskedsonicelythatIcouldn’tsayno.
“I’mnotdistracted!”
TheonlydistractingthingrightnowisAaron’sattitude.Hismovementsaretightandsharp,wefeeloutofsync,andwhenhemovestoliftme,hishandsgripmealittletighterthanheusuallydoes.It’sfrustratinganddisorientating,andbythetimewe’redone,IfeellikeIneedtolockmyselfawayandcry.
Thesecondwefinish,hestormsofftowardthelockerrooms,andNateslowlywalksovertome.Idon’tevenneedtotellhim;thatdisastroussessionwasevidenttoeveryone.Wewereterrible
“I’llkickhisassifyouwantmeto.”HishandcupsmycheekandInuzzleintoitswarmth.
“IfyouhurthimIcan’tcompeteatsectionalsintwoweeks.”
“Noted.”
“Butifwedon’tqualifyandyouhappentohithimwithyourcar,that’snotmyconcern.”
“Alsonoted.”Hechuckles,leaningforwardtokissmyforehead.I’msureBradyislurkingsomewherejudgingme,too,butasIwrapmyarmsaroundhimandlethiscalmwashoverme,Ican’tfinditinmetocarewhatshemightthink.
Imirrorhisdeepbreaths,instantlyfeelinglesslikeIneedtosob.“Thankyouforwaitingforme.”
“CanImakeasuggestionaboutourplans?”hesayscarefully,tiltingmyfaceuptohis.“Idon’twannafuckwiththeplanner,butIfeellikethewayyoufeelrightnowjustifiessomeamendments.”
He’sbeingsocarefulwithme,sogentle,likeImightbreak.Leaningforward,hehoversaninchfrommyface,waitingformetoclosethegap.“I’mnotkissingyouuntilIknowtheproposal.”
Hissmileissobeautifulitalmostendsme,butIhangoninthere,concentratingonputtingairinandoutofmylungssoIlooklikeanormalhumaninfrontofthispainfullyattractiveman
“Insteadofgoingtothemall,wegetyourfavoritetakeoutandorderacostumeonline.YoucanstayoverbecauseIboughtloadsofgirlyshitfromTargetonSaturdayafterItookyoutowork,andIthinkabitofspacefromAaronmightbewhatyouneedrightnow.”
“Youpresumedyou’dbeabletoconvinceanotherpersontosleepwithyou?”Itease,instantlyfeelinglighter.
“Youhaven’tseenhowgoodthisstuffis.ItmakesHenry’sboxlooklikeamateurhour.You’llbebeggingmetoletyoustayover.”
“It’sawellthoughtoutplan,Hawkins.”
“It’sagreatplan.I’lleventakeyouhomeinthemorningforachangeofclothesandtakeyoutoclass.Mightbemybestplanyet.”
Iclosethegap,pressingmylipstohis.It’shardtorememberwe’reinpublicwhenhistonguerollsagainstmine.Hebreaksusapart.“Isthatayes?”
“Yes.”EIGHTEEN|NATHAN
Wepulledupinfrontofmyhousethreeminutesago,andsofar,she’smadenoattempttogetoutofthecar,sowe’resittinginasemi-comfortablesilence.
Herhandsaregrippingthestrapsofherbag,she’sstaringintothedistance,andherbodyisvisiblyrigid.Iknowshe’slostinherhead,overthinking,soIletherstewforalittlewhilelonger,notwantingtointrude.
Anotherfewminutespassandherlipsarestillpulledintoatightline,soIreachoutandbrushmyfingersagainsthercheeklightly,clearingmythroattocaptureherattention.Icurlastrandofherhairaroundmyfinger,andsheturnsherheadtolistentomespeak.“Doyouwanttoplayhouse?”
“Huh?”Shesoundsconfused,whichIcan’tblameherfor.Faintcreaselinesappearbesidehereyesassheshootsmeafunnylook.“House?”
“Likewhatyouplayedasakid.”
Herfrownslowlyfades,thecornersofherlipstugupslightly.“Andwhatdoesplayinghouseentail?WegonnapretendtobeMomandDadtotheguys?”
“Weforgetabouttheoutsideworlduntiltomorrow.Imean,ifJJcallsyouMommy,Iwillhurthim,butotherthanthat.Whatdoyoucallitwhenyou’recatfishing?Positivevibesonly.”
“Idonotcatfishpeople!Iamapositiveperson,”sheinsists,lyingtobothofus.Shehuffs,crossingherarmsdefiantly,butshecan’tkeepitupandherpretendannoyedexpressionsoftens.“Haveyoualwaysbeensosoft?You’renotatalllikeIexpected.”
“Yep,justhowmymommaraisedme.IfIlikeyou,Ilikeyou.I’manall-or-nothingperson,alwayshavebeen.”
AtinyshredofpanicrushesthroughmewhenIconsiderthatshemighttakemywordsthewrongwayafterwe’vepreviouslytalkedaboutwhatshe’slookingfor,butthankfullyshelaughs.
“Iwouldhaveguessedwithyourstatusoncampusthatyou’dhavedickedhalfofMapleHillsbynow.Acaptaintitleguaranteesgettinglaid,right?”
“Ihave,andyeah,itkindadoes.”
I’mnotsureit’stheanswershe’sexpectingbecausehereyeswiden,andshejustlooksatme.“Oh.”
“Areyouslut-shamingme,AnastasiaAllen?Thequeenofnoncommitment?”Herjawdrops,andshebeginssplutteringtoargueback,butIdon’tgiveherachance,enjoyingseeingherspeechless.“Hookingupwithpeopleandlikingpeopleisverydifferent.IfIlikesomeone,Iwanttobearoundthemandgettoknowthem.It’snotoftenIwantsomethingmorewithsomeone,sowhenIdo,Imakethemapriority”
“God,soclingy,”shegrumbles,cheeksflushedred.Herhandreachesovertothedoorhandle,theothersecuredaroundherbag.“Let’sgointhehousebeforethekidsstartariot.”
Itfeelsgreatwhenyourbestfriendslikethegirlyoulike,butwe’rebarelythroughthefrontdoorbeforetheyspotAnastasiabehindmeandturnbackintogoldenretrievers.IfIwasn’tseeingitfirsthand,Iwouldneverbelieveit.I’veknowntheseguysforyears,andI’veneverseenthemactthewaytheydowhenStasandSabrinaarearound.
Henryisthefirsttostart.“Whatareyoudoinghere?Doyouwanttowatchamoviewithus?Areyoustayingover?”
Windingherarmaroundmywaistandleaningintome,shegrinsupatmebeforelookingbackatHenry.“Nathankidnappedmebecausehewantstoplayhouse.”
“YoucancallmeDaddyanytime,Stassie,”JJshoutsatherfromthecouch
“Up.”Ihipbumphergentlyinthedirectionofthestairs.“Stopbeingamenace,Johal.Shedoesn’twantyou.”
JJscoffsloudly.“Idon’tbelievethat.Everyonewantsme.”
HenryfrownsasStassieheadstowardthestairs,mutteringunderhisbreath.“Idon’twantyou,JJ.”
***
BeingwithStassiecompletelysobermightbemynewfavoritething.
Ilovetalkingtoher.Itsoundsobvious,anditis,butIlovelisteningtoherdiveheadfirstintoastory.ThewayshehastoholdbackalaughwhenshetellsmesomethingSabrinasaid,orthesadsmileshehaswhentalkingaboutSeattle.HerBradyimpressionwithaterribleRussianaccentstillmakesmecacklelaughing,evenafterI’veheardittwentytimes.
Shehasopinionsandinterests,andbeneathherobsessivelyorganizedandcompetitivenature,she’sawomanwhojustwantstodowell.ItmakesmefeelshitthatIlabeledherasdramaticbecause,don’tgetmewrong,shehashermoments,butultimately,she’scommittedandshewasjustscared.
AnotherfundiscoveryI’vemadeaboutsoberStassieisthatforsomeonesoopposedtoclingybehavior,she’sbeingprettygoddamnclingy.
Asin,literallyclingingtome.
Likeakoala.
Orasloth.
Herentirebodyiswrappedaroundme.Faceburiedinmyneck,hairrepeatedlyticklingmynose,legsstraddlingmywaist,leavingmenochoicebuttobalancemylaptoponherass,onehandscrollingthroughacostumewebsiteandtheotherticklingupanddownherback.
AsmuchasIwishshedidn’tfeelshit,especiallysinceit’sbecauseofmeAaronisannoyed,I’mgladshe’swithmeinsteadofpushingmeaway.
“Doyouhaveanybodyfat?”Shewigglesdownmybodyuntilshe’sstraddlingmyhips,sittingupalittlesowe’refacetoface.“It’slikelyingonapavement.You’reabsolutelysolid.”
Closingovermylaptopandputtingitonthefloor,Iturnallmyattentiontothebeautifulwomanontopofme.
MyT-shirtisdrowningher,whichisanotherthingIlove.Weird,Iknow.Itmakesmewonderifthere’sapsychologicalreasonwhyherwearingmyclothesmakesmehorny.
“I’msorrythebodyIworksohardfordoesn’tmakeagoodmattressforyou.”Irunmythumbacrossherbottomlip,andwhenshenipsherteethagainstthepad,adevilishlookonherface,allthebloodinmybodyrushesstraighttomydick.“I’mprettysureyoulikemybodyforotherreasons,though.”
HerhipsrollagainsttheerectionfightingtogetoutofmyboxersandIsweartoGod,onetinymovementandthisgirlhasmereadytolosemydamnmind
“YouknowwhatIwant?”shemuses,fingeroutliningeachabasherhandtrailstowardmybellybutton.
“Tellme,Anastasia,whatdoyouwant?”
“Food.”Shegiggles,lyingbackdownonmychest,proppedbyherforearms.“I’mstarving.”
I’vebeentryingtogethertochoosesomethingtoeatsincewegothome.It’sbeenanimpossibleandfrustratingtask,possiblythemostinfuriatingoneofmylife.
Iofferedtogettakeout.Iofferedtocook.Iofferedtojustchooseforus,buteverythingwasmetwithagrumbleandaheadshake.SoItryagain,leaningforwardfirsttokissthetipofhernosesinceshelookssofuckingcuterightnow.“Burgers?”
“Toomanycalories.”
“Pizza?”
“Calories.”
WhenI’mabouttosuggestThaifoodforthemillionthtime,herphoneringsbesideus.“Sorry,lemmejustgrabthis…Hey,Ry.”Sheholdsherphoneawayfromherbodyashisfacefillsthescreen.
Great.
“What’sup?”
“Hey,I’vejustpickedLivupfromrehearsalandsawBrin.ShesaidAaronupsetyou,justwantedtocheckin.”I’mtryingnottolookatherphoneovermyshoulderbecauseI’mnotsureifI’mintheshotbasedontheangle.“We’regoingtoKenny’sforwingsifyouwannajoinus?”
There’saquietermumblinginthebackground,andhechuckles.“Livsayshi,apparently,I’mtootallandI’mcuttingheroutofview.”
“Hey,Olivia!Yeah,he’sjustbeinghisusualcharmingself,butit’sfine.He’sjuststressedbecausehethinksI’mbeingirresponsibleabout…stuff.”
Me.I’mstuff.
“Andhe’salwaysinabadmoodrightbeforewecompete,buthe’llbefineontheday,whichisallIneed.I’dkillforKenny’s,butIcan’t.Thanksfortheoffer,though.”
“Isuggestedwings,andyousaidno,”Imumblequietly.
Sherollshereyesatme,loweringhervoice.“Calories.”
“Didyoujustsaycalories?”Ryansaysharshly.“Ishetryingtocontrolwhatyou’reeatingagain?Wait…Whoareyouwith?”
“I’mwithNathan,”shesays,holdingherphoneouttothesidesohecanseeherlyingonmybarechest.“Andnobodyiscontrollinganything,sodon’tstart.Ihavesectionalsintwoweeks,Ryan.Wecan’tallliveonadietofsaturatedfatandcarbs.”
Tomyabsolutesurprise,whenIlookoveratherphoneandgiveapolitenod,he’sgotthebiggestgrinonhisface.“Nicetoseeyoutookmyadvice,Allen.Iwon’tintrudeonyoureveninganylonger.Bye,guys!Letmeknowifyouwannajoinus.”
Stassiedisconnectsthecallandputsthephonedownbesideus,sayingnothing.
“Whatadvicedidyoutake?”
“Huh?Oh,he,uh,RyansaidIshouldstopbeingsohardonyouandgiveyouachance.SaidyouwereagoodguyandIshouldstopbeingstubborn.”
I’vefamouslyalwayssaidhowmuchIlikeRyan.I’vealwayssaidhe’sareallygoodguy,awiseguywhoshouldbelistenedto.ItakebackalltheothershitIsaid.
“AndthenhesaidIshouldfuckyou,forscience,andBrinagreed.”
IlikeAnastasia’sfriends.They’regoodpeople.
“Isthisyougivingmeachance?”
I’mpreparedforwhateveranswercomesmyway.She’sstillhereinmybed,whatevershesays.IunderstandwhereherlineisandI’mhappyonthesideofitI’monrightnow.
“Yeah,IsupposeIam.AlthoughifIdon’tgetsomefoodinmesoon,I’mgoingtogethangryandwhoknowswhatI’llsayordotoyou.”
“I’morderingKenny’s.Youwantwings,soyou’regettingwings.”Sheburiesherheadintomychestandgroans,mumblingsomebullshitaboutputtingonweight.
“Ohshutup,Anastasia.”Ilaugh,flinchingwhenshedigsmeintheribsfortellinghertoshutupagain.“Caloriesdon’texistinpretendrealitiesanyway.It’sonemealandyouburnhundredsofextracaloriesaday.Okay?”
Shefiddleswiththeendsofherhair,anxiouslyrollingastrandbetweenherfingers.Eventually,shenods.“Okay.”
“Wedon’thavetotalkaboutitnow,butIwannaknowwhatRyanmeantaboutAaroncontrollingwhatyoueat.Now,whatdoyouwantmetoorderforyou?”
Aboutanhourlater,Ihaveamuchhappiergirlonmyhands.
Onebig-assbowlofbonelesswingsandcheesefries,andshe’sgotamassivesmileonherface,lookingatmelikeIcreatedthesun.AllIdidwasplacetheorderandcollectitfromthefrontdoor,butit’senoughforhertobeecstatic.
Henrydidn’tknowwheretolookwhenshebreezedpasthimtowardthekitcheninmyT-shirt.Nobodyknewwheretolookwhenshephysicallymoanedwhilebitingintothefirstwing.JJ’smouthopened,butevenhethoughtbetterofit,whichwasareliefbecausewehaveagameonSaturday,andI’drathernotbedownadefenseman.
ButnothingcanstopHenryandhisconcernedface.He’sbeentryinghardtonotblurtoutthefirstthingthatcomesintohishead,buthedoesn’talwayssucceed.
Stassiebitesintoanotherwingandhisfrowndeepens.“IknowIwillhavetolistentoyoumakingthatnoiselater,Stassie.Itdoesn’tseemfairthatIhavetolistentoitoverdinner.”
“Fuckinghell,Hen,”JJsplutters,sprayinghisdrinkalloverthekitchenisland.
HermouthhangsopenandevenI’munsurehowsheshouldrespond.That’smycuetogetherawayfrommyfriends.Whenshe’sfinishedeatingandhaswashedherhands,Idragherbackupthestairs.
ThesecondIclosemybedroomdoor,shepushesmybodyagainstitandwrapsherarmsaroundmyneck,draggingmyfacedowntohers.
Stassie’ssoftbodymoldsitselfagainstmineandherfingerssinkintomyhair.“What’stherush?”Iask,tuggingdownmysweatpantsanywaybecauseI’mnotfoolishenoughtoasktoomanyquestionswhenshe’skissingmelikethat.
“HenrytoldmeI’mloudwhenIcome,sonowIwanttodoitbeforehegoestobed.”
JesusChrist.
AllthereasonsIthoughtshe’dgiveme,thatonewasn’tevenonthelist
MyhandslipsbeneaththeflimsymaterialofmyT-shirtshe’sstillwearing,dippingbetweenherlegs,anddraggingmyfingeracrosstheoutsideofherpanties.Shegrindsintomyhand,lookingforpressure,fingersgrippingmybicepsashertonguemovesagainstmine.
Herlittlenoisesandmovementsaredrivingmewild.Moaningandsquirming,herbreathingheavywhenImovemymouthdownherneckandgripunderherthighstopullheruparoundmyhips,pushingherfartheragainstthedoor.
I’mfuckingdesperatetobeinsideofher.It’sallI’vethoughtaboutsinceSaturdaynight.Herhipswiggleagainstmine,andgoosebumpsspreadacrossmywholebody.“WhatifIlikeitwhenyou’reloud?”
“Dosomethingtomakemescreamthen,Hawkins.”
Idrophertoherfeetandgripeachsideofherpanties,pullingthemtoherankleswhenshegivesmeanod.TheT-shirtgoesnext,leavinghernaked,thighsrubbingtogether,rosycheekedandglossyeyed.She’sthesexiestwomanI’veeverseen,andIdon’teventhinksherealizesit.Ileaveherstandingthere,throwingmyselfdownonmybedandlyingback.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Herhandssettleonherhips,andshetiltsherheadtotheside,equalpartsconfusedandunimpressed.
“I’mwaitingforyoutomoveyourassoverhereandsitonmyface,Anastasia.WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mdoing?”
Iloveplayinghouse.NINETEEN|ANASTASIA
IfreakingloveHalloweenwhenI’mhappywithmycostume.
EventhoughNateandIdidn’tmanagetoorderanything,IknewwhatIwantedtobewhenIwokeupyesterdaymorninginhisbed.
WhenIopenedmyeyes,HenrywassittingattheendofNate’sbed,lookingguilty.Natewasstandingbesidehiminonlyhisboxers,hisarmsfoldedacrosshismuscularchest,scowlinglikeanunimpressedparent.
“Sayit.”Nategrunted.
Henryshuffledawkwardly,spinninghisphonearoundinhishands.“I’msorry,Anastasia.”
“Whatfor?”IlookedovertoNate,whowasstillgivingangrydadvibes,whichwerelow-keyturningmeon.
“I’msorryifImadeyoufeelembarrassedaboutyoursexualendeavorsandhowyoueatKenny’s.Volumeisrelative,Isuppose,andyou’remuchquieterthanKitt—”
“Okay,okay,shutup,you’redone,”Nateinterrupted,pullinghimfromthebedandpushinghimtowardthedoor.“Getout.”
Outofthethreeofus,Iwasthemostmortified,whichmademewantrevengeontheoverprotectivemanwhodidthis.
Natelookedunbotheredandclimbedbackintothebed,hiscolossalframecoveringmineashesettledbetweenmylegs.IwasstillthinkingabouthowannoyedIwaswithhimwhenhestartedtorollhimselfagainstmeandkissmyneck
“Howcanyoubethinkingaboutsexwhenyou’vejustembarrassedmeinfrontofyourbestfriend?”
Hisbodystoppedstraightaway,headmovingsoIcouldseehispuzzledface.“First,I’malwaysthinkingaboutsexwithyou,ow,”hewhines.“Don’tpinchme.I’msorryifyoufeelembarrassed,thatwasn’tmyintention.Ididn’tlikewhathesaidtoyou.Iwantyoutofeelcomfortablewhenyou’rehere.”
“IdofeelcomfortablewhenI’mhere…Notrightnow.Rightnow,Iwanttohideforever.”
Hisgrinwenteartoear.“Thatmakesmehappy,otherthanthehidingthing.I’msorryyou’reembarrassed,buthedoesn’tgetafreepassbecausehe’scute.”
“Heiscute.”Inoddedinagreement.“Ilovehim,Nathan,like,it’sbecomingaproblem.Ijustwannasquishhim.Idon’twanthimtothinkIgothimintrouble.”
“He’sverylovable.”Hekissedthetipofmynosegently,momentarilydistractingme.“Butifhedoesn’tlearn,hewillupsetsomeoneonedayproperly.Iworryabouthowhewillgetonwhenwe’veallgraduated,soIhavetoteachhim.”
“AsmuchasIdon’tlikewakinguptoHenry’sguiltyface,Ilikethissexy-but-caringdadthingyou’vegotgoingon.”
“Don’tevenjoke,Anastasia.”Hiswholedemeanorchanged,andthegrindingagainstmeresumedinstantly.“BecauseIwillputababyinyourightnow,andyou’llbestuckteachingbrattylittleskaterslikeBrady.”
“Getoff,”Isaidplayfully,pushingmyhandsagainsthischest,ignoringhisgroan.“Ineedtotakemybirthcontrol.”
Helaughed,climbingoffme,sittingbackontheheelsofhisfeet,allsix-foot-fourinchesofthickthighsandprotrudingmuscles.IshouldbegivenanawardforknowinghowgoodNathanlookswithoutanyclothesonandstillmanagingtoleavehisbedroom.Havingthemotivationtopushhimoffmewasbeyonddifficult.Evenmyovarieswerescreaming.
Sabrinaisbutt-assnakedinmyroom,rummagingthroughmyclosetwhenIwalkinfrommySaturdayshift.
“Hey,hotstuff,”shechirps.“Howwaswork?”
Ithrowmypursedownonthefloorandsitdownattheendofmybed.“Good,thanks.Brinny,notthatIdon’tlikeseeingyourpeachytush,butwhyareyounakedinmyroom?”
“I’mstealingfromyourcloset.Ineedsomethingtoweartonight.”
TheHoneypotisthrowingabigHalloweenpartyand,thankstoourfavoriteneighbor,weallhaveticketstoit.
Wantingtheircostumestobeasurprise,theguyshaveaskedtomeetusattheclub,whichworksforme,becausemineisasurprisetoo.IcheckthetimeonmyphoneandspotamessagefromJJtellingmehe’sonhisway.“JJisdroppingoffmycostumesoon.”
“Youshouldprobablywaitbythedoor,”shesays,pluckinganemerald-coloreddressfromtherackandholdingitagainstherbody.“IfAaronspotsahockeyplayerturninguptothisapartment,hemightburndownthebuilding.”
Sheisn’twrong.“Heisn’there.Idon’tknowwhereheis.Heisn’tansweringmycalls.”
ThingswithAaronsuckmorethanthey’veeversucked.Thisfarintoourfriendship,I’musedtohismoodswings.Heeventuallysnapsoutofit,apologizes,andspendsafewweeksmakingituptomeandSabrina.
It’sbeenaweeksincehefoundoutIhookedupwithNathan,andhe’sstillmad,butIcan’tworkoutwhyforthelifeofme.Natedroppedmeoffattherinkyesterdaymorning,butAaronshoweduplateanddidn’teventalktome.Byourafternoonpractice,whenherealizedthatIwasn’tleavingwithNathan,heseemedtowarmupalittle.
Ifeellikescreamingeverytimesomeonesuggeststhatit’sbecausehe’sinlovewithme,buttheywon’tbeconvinceddespitemyobjections.WhenIsaysomeone,ImeaneveryoneonNate’shockeyteam,includingNate.
MytheoryisAaronneverlearnedtoshare,andthismightonlygetworse.
***
Findingourfriendsinanightclubpackedfullofpeopleshouldbeimpossible.
Well,itwouldbeifwhenwelookedoutoverthebalcony,therewasn’taclusterofyellowbodieswheretheprivatetablesare.
JJisthefirsttospotmeandBrinmakingourwaythroughthecrowd.Judgingbytheoverexcitedlookinhiseyes,he’smorethanreadyforwhat’sabouttohappen.Hehitstheguynexttohim,whohitsthenextguyuntilwehaveadozenguysinminiononesiesstaringatus.
Thelastminionhashishooddown,soIcanseethatit’sBobby.HepatsNateontheshoulder,interruptinghisconversationwithRobbie.
Nate’swearingdarktrousers,azip-upjacket,andastripedscarfaroundhisneck.HegrabsatRobbie’schest,nevertakinghiseyesoffme.Robbie’swearingawhitelabcoat,ayellowT-shirt,andthick-rimmedglasses,andbymyastute,vodka-influencedpowersofdeduction,I’dsaythattheseboysarethecastofDespicableMe
Nathan’seyesaregluedtomeaswecoverthefinalfewfeettothebooth,stoppingrightoutsidetheentrance.Hiseyesstartatmyfeet,runningupmyblackthigh-highboots.Iknowhe’sreachedtheexposedsectionofskinbythewayhisAdam’sapplebobsasheswallows,andhistongueflicksouttowethislips.
Hiseyeskeepgoingbeyondmythighs,pastthehemoftheTitansjerseyandthebelt,sinchingitinatmywaist,overmybreastsuntilhiseyeslockwithmine.Heblowsoutabreath,runninghishanddownhisface.
It’safuckingintimidatingexperiencehavingalltheseguysstaringatme,butit’stoolatetobackoutnow.JJisstillsmilingwiderthananyoftheotherguysandbeginstowhoopoverthesoundofthemusic.“Giveusaspin,Stassie!”
Draggingmyhairovermyshoulder,Islowlyturn,pausingfortwosecondswhenmybackfacestheteam.It’slongenoughforthelaughterandcheeringtostart,andwhenIfinishmyspin,Nathan’sfaceisfrozen.
Hisknucklesarewhitefromgrippinghisglasstightly.Hehasn’tsaidanything,soIdon’thaveconfirmation,butI’dimagineit’sbecausehewasn’texpectingmetobeJJforHalloween.
“Youwereright,thisisfun.Helookssupermad,”Brinsaysgleefully,takingastepintothebooth.
JustasI’mabouttofollowher,Ihitasix-foot-fourwallofmuscle.“Comewithme.”
I’mnotsureIcanclassifywhatI’mdoingaswalkingbecausemyfeetaren’talwaystouchingtheground.
Nateis—verynicely—draggingmethroughthecrowd,buthehasn’tsaidwherewe’regoing.Hehasn’tsaidanything.Eveninhisanger,hisgriponmywristisstilltender,andhe’susinghisbodyasahumanshieldashepushesthroughtheseaofdrunkenJokersandPlayboyBunnies,makingitaloteasiertofollow.
Atleastmycostumeisoriginal.
Natemurmursa“Thanks”inthedirectionofascary-lookingsecurityguardashetakesusdownadarkhallway.Stoppingoutsideablackdoor,henodsinitsdirection.“In.”
MaybethisiswherehemurdersmeandI’llbeontruecrimepodcastsforever.Icrossmyarms,shakingmyhead.“Makeme.”
“Yourchoice.”
I’mupsidedownoverhisshoulderbeforeI’veevenhadachancetothinkaboutmyfinalwords.Hewalksthroughadoor,thenanotherdoor,beforefinallysettingmebackonmyfeet.
Lookingaroundashelocksthedoor,Iquicklyrealizewe’reinaveryfancybathroom.
“Doyounotlikepeeingalone?Youcouldhavejustaskedmenicely.”
“Takeitoff,Anastasia.”
It’shardnottosmilelikeaCheshirecatrightnow.Ilovegettingunderhisskin;Iunderstandwhytheguysdoitbecauseit’ssoeasyandsosatisfying.“Takewhatoff?”
Nathanstalkstowardmeandwitheverystephetakesforward,Itakeonebackuntilmybackhitsthewall.TheexcitementbeginstobuildasIconcentrateonhisfuriousfaceandforsomemasochisticreason,thereisnowheremoreexcitedthanthespotbetweenmylegsthat’sfreakingpulsing.
Ahandsettlesoneithersideofmyheadandheleansdowntomyeyelevel.“TakeoffJaiden’sjersey,orIwillripitfromyourbody.”
“Youseemangry,Nathan,”Itease,runningmyfingerupanddownhisscarf.Withhisfaceaninchawayfrommine,Irubmynoseagainsthis,enjoyinghowhisbreathingslowswhenIwhisper.“Ithinkyouneedtofindawaytochannelyourrageintosomethingrewarding.”
“I’msofuckingangrywithyou,”herasps,capturingmymouthwithhis.Hepicksmeup,pressingmeharshlyintothewall,andifIwasn’tdrippingwetbefore,Iamnow.
Idon’tknowwhattoconcentrateonashishandsroammybodyandhishipspressintome.He’sfindingthisashotasIam.He’ssolid,strainingagainstthezipperofhispants,andwhenIrollmyhips,agroanrumblesinhisthroat.
I’msupposedtohavetheupperhandinthissituation.Idon’t,notevenalittlebit.I’mneedyanddesperate,whimperingwhenhisteethscrapeacrossmyhammeringpulse.
“Lastchance,baby.Whichoneofusistakingitoff?”
“ButJJismyfavoritehockeypla—”
Idon’tgettofinishmysentencebeforehe’ssnappedtheclaspofmybelt,lettingitfalltothefloor.Hepullsthejerseyovermyheadwithoneswiftmovement,throwingitacrosstheroomawayfromus.
Everysingleinchofmybodyfeelsblistering;it’ssuffocating,maddening.I’mnotevendrunk,butIfeelintoxicatedbyhim,histouch,hissmell.It’sunbelievable;themanisdressedasGru,forfuck’ssake,butIswearonetouch,andI’mgoingtocombust.
Helooksdownatmybodyandscoffs.ThetinyTitanscheerleaderoutfitI’mwearingisnowvisiblesincehe’sabruptlystrippedmeofoutfitnumberone.Hepinchesmychinbetweenhisthumbandfinger,tiltingmyheadback.“Howmuchdoyoulikebeingabletowalkstraight?”
Itightenmylegsaroundhiswaist,theanticipationnearboilingpoint.“Neverbeenafan.”
“Good.”
Thesoundsthatfollowareamixtureofmoaningandrustling,beltclangingandfoilrippinguntilhe’sprotectedandteasingmewiththeheadofhisdick.
Iknowwhathe’sdoing;hewantsmetobeghimforit,butthejokesonhimbecauseIdon’tbegforanything.“LetmeputthejerseybackonsoyoucanlookatJJ’snamewhileyoufuc—”
Idon’tgettofinishmygoadingbecausehesticksthewholefuckingthinginwithonehardthrust,robbingeverysingleslitherofoxygenfrommylungswhenIgasp.
Nate’sfingerssinkintomyasscheeks,usinghisgriptofuckmeevenharder,andallIcandoisclingonfordearlife.
Everythrustisasdeliciousandaspunishingasthelast.Thesoundofslappingskinechoesaroundus,andhisteethsinkintomylipashegruntsandmoans,drivingmeharderintothewall.
Theorgasmcomesoutofnowhereandhitsmelikeafreighttrain,buthedoesn’tpause;hedoesn’tevenslowdown.
Heletsmecryintohischestandclawathisshoulders,andwhenIfinallystopspasming,hisarmhooksunderonelegandnavigatesituptohisshoulder,thenrepeatsontheotherside.
He’sfoldedme,supportingmyentireweightinhistwohands.Wheredidthismancomefrom?TheonlythingIcanthinkofrightnowis,ThankGodI’mflexible,andheisstrong.
“Suchatightlittlepussy,Anastasia.Allforme.”Hepantsagainstmymouth.“Youthinkyoucangetundermyskin,mhmm?DoyouthinkIdon’tseethelittlegameyou’replaying?It’smycockyoucomeallover.Evenwhenyouwannaputanotherguy’snameonyourback…It’smynameyoufuckingscream.”
Everywordmakesmegriphimtighter,theangle,thefrustration,thecontrol,he’sdestroyingme.I’mbuckingandwigglingagainsthim.Everysinglecellinmybodyiswoundtightandisreadyforhimtomakemedisintegrate.
I’mtryingtoholdoff,notgivehimthesatisfactionofthinkinghislittlespeechhasanyimpactonme,butthenhegroansmynameintomyneck,andit’ssofuckingeroticthatmyentirebodybetraysme.
IswearI’mseeingstars.Mybodytensesandmeltsandfuckingburstsintoflamesbecauseitfeelssogoddamngood,Idon’tevenknowwhatI’mfeeling
Histhrustsgetsloppier,moanslouder,andwhenhismouthcrashesintomine,heslows,shudderingandcursingashethrobsinsideofme,spillingintothecondom.
Hisforeheadfallstomine,andhereleasesmylegs,loweringmebacktomyvery,verywobblyfeet.Ourbreathingislabored,hislipspresstomyforehead,andheinhales.“Ilikeyourcheerleaderoutfit.”
“Mhm.”It’snotevenaresponse.It’sjustavaguenoisethatsoundsabitlikeacknowledgment.Hewasn’tjokingwhenheaskedaboutnotbeingabletowalkstraight,buthedidn’tsayanythingaboutnotbeingabletoformulatewords.
Nathan’sarmiswrappedtightlyaroundmywaist,andwhenIlookupathim,he’sgotanannoyinglysmugsmirkonhisface.Whenwereachthebooth,NatethrowsJJ’sjerseybackathim,smackinghimstraightinhisface.“Ihopeyoulikebagskating,youlittleshit.”
IsmelllikesexandIhavesexhair,butIdon’thaveitinmetocare.Itriedtosortitoutinthebathroom,butafteracoupleofminutesoftryingtodragmyfingersthroughit,Igaveup.
Theguysareshootingeachotherknowinglookswhenwereachfordrinksglasses.
Allbutone.
“Youshouldhavebeenaminionlikeus,”Henrysays,lookingmyoutfitupanddown,totaldisinterestonhisface.“You’dbemuchcomfierrightnow,andtherewouldbenoriskofusseeingyourass.”
He’srightandnextyearI’mwearingaminiononesietotheclub.Nathantugsmeintohislap,pushingadrinkintomyhand,kissingmyshoulderaffectionately.
“Nobodyisseeingyourass,Allen,”hewhispersbelowmyear,makingmyentirebodyshiver.“I’mprettysurethere’sanindentofmyhandsonbothcheeks.”
IseeBrinwalkintotheboothoutofthecornerofmyeye,andwhenIturntofaceher,Aaronisrightbehindher,clutchinghisarm.Hereyeswidenwhenshespotsmeandgivesmealookthat,aftermorethantwoyearsoffriendship,Iknowsaysthatshitisabouttohitthefan.
IlookatAaron,givinghimawelcomingsmile,buthedoesn’treturnit.“Hey!I’msogladyou’rehere.Areyouokay?”Myeyesflickbacktothearmhe’sclutching,andIfeelphysicallysickwhenIrealizeit’snotacostume.“Aaron,whathappenedtoyourarm?”
HiseyesnarrowandhelooksatmewithsomuchhatredthatIcan’tbreathe.“Askyourboyfriend,Anastasia.”TWENTY|NATHAN
I’vehadamigraineforwellovertwenty-fourhours.
ItstartedwhenAaronCarlislestoodinfrontofmewithabustedarmandbruisedhipandblamedmeforit.That’swhenIfeltthetwingeatthebaseofmyskull,shortlyfollowedbyblisteringheatspreadingthroughmyheaduntilitwassopainful,Icouldfeelitatthebackofmyeyes.
Thewholemessdescendedintochaos.SabrinashoutedatRobbie,JJcalledAaronafuckingliar,andIfranticallygrippedAnastasia,tryingtopromiseherInevertouchedhim.
Sheflewtohisside,notcaringaboutanyoneelse,examininghisarmcarefully,andsaidhisnamewiththemostbroken,heart-shatteringvoice.“We’renotgoingtobeabletocompeteatsectionals.”
Icouldn’tseeherface,butIcouldtell.Wecouldalltell.Theanguish,therealization,thehurt.Shewasstunned,andwhenshesankintohischestandbegantosob,Ihadnoideahowthingscouldgowrongsoquickly.
Ididn’tknowwhattosaytoher.Inevertouchedhim,despitejokingaboutitandhertellingmeoff.I’dneverjeopardizeherdreams.
Aaron’shandstrokedherhead,soothingher.IwantedtodragherawayfromhimandpromiseherIdidn’tdoit,butheusheredheroutofthebooth,Brinclosebehindthem,andIletthemleave.
Theteamwasjustasconfusedasme,eachpromisingitwasnothingtodowiththemeither.Nopranks,nomisbehaving,they’dallstayedawayfromhimlikeItoldthemto.Nothingwasmakingsense.
IcalledAnastasiatheminutewegothomefromtheclub,butshedidn’tanswer.Notthefirsttimenorthesecondtime.Onthethirdtime,Sabrinaansweredandtoldmeshewasasleep.ItriedtoexplainIdidn’tdoanything,butshesaidshewasn’ttheoneIneededtoconvince.
OnSunday,Stassietextedmesayingsheneededsomespacebecauseshedidn’tknowwhattothink.Shewasstuckbetweenherpartnerandme,bothpromisingweweretellingthetruth,andsheneededtoprocessthefactshe’dhavetopulloutofhercompetition.
ItoldherI’dmissher,butshedidn’treply.
IspentalldaySundaybouncingfromhousetohousetogrilleachoftheguyswhoweren’ttherelastnight,andtheyallswearitwasn’tthem.Callmena?ve,butIbelievethem.
Iwassittingonadisgustinglystickycouchinafrathousewiththreeunderclassmeninfrontofme.Theireyeswerebloodshot,andtheycollectivelylookedlikethey’dhadfiveminutesofsleep.HowIwassupposedtobelookingifmySaturdaynightouthadn’tbeenfuckinghijackedintheworstpossibleway.
“Wedidn’tdoanything,Cap.Johalsaidnomessingwiththeskaters—evenwhentheywerebeingdicks.Hesaidwecouldn’tupsetyourgirl,oryouandRobbiewouldbenchus.”
Yourgirl.Shecouldn’tbefurtherfrombeingmygirlthansheisnow.Shefeltclosertobeingmygirltheothernight,butnowI’mnotevenbacktosquareone.I’mnotevenontheboard.
Nowthattheweekendisover,I’vebeentryingtosikemyselfupforcollegeforanhour,buteventhedarknessofmyroomisn’thelpingsoothethestabbingpaininmyhead.
Myphonestartstovibrate,butinsteadofStassie,Ifindmessagesfromtheteam.
PUCKBUNNIES
ROBBIEHAMLET:EmailfromFaulkner:Awardroomat7:30a.m.
BOBBYHUGHES:Welp.Wasniceknowingyouguys.Flyhigh.
MATTIELIU:Shouldhaveplayedfuckingbasketball
HENRYTURNER:Youhaven’tgotthehand-eyecoordinationforbasketball,Liu.
NATEHAWKINS:Mybrainfeelslikeit’stryingtoturnitselfintogoowhilesimultaneouslysetitselfalight.
JAIDENJOHAL:YouneedTylenol,buddy?
NATEHAWKINS:Ineedashoveltothehead.
KRISHUDSON:I’msureyouwon’tneedtoaskFaulknertwice.
Thiswasalwayscoming,soIcan’tactsurprised.Aarontoldhiscoachsomethingwasontheflooroutsideonlyhislocker,andheslipped.Thehockeyteamisplayingpranksagain,hetoldher.
HetoldAnastasiasomeonesawmedoitandtoldhimafterward.Buthedoesn’tknowwhothesupposedwitnesswas,andhe’snottoldBradyitwasme.No,hesavedthatbitforAnastasia,claiminghedoesn’twanttogetmeintotroublebecausehe’slookingoutforher
IonlyknowbecauseofRobbie,whohasadistraughtSabrinaonhishands.She’sstuckinthemiddle,unabletotakesidesordoanythingtomakethingsbetter.Herfriendsareallhurting.
SheknowsI’dneverdoanythingtohurtAnastasia.
It’sallbullshit.
Seventhirtysneaksuponmequickly,andI’vesomehowmanagedtodragmyselftoFaulkner’simpromptumeeting.TheroomisintotalsilenceasFaulknersitsandstaresusalldown,andforthefirsttime,Ican’treadhismood.
Idon’tknowwhathe’swaitingfor.Anadmissionofguilt?Alookthatsaysitwasme?
“Dideveryonehaveanenjoyableweekend?”Faulknerdrawls.
I’vebeeninenoughofthesemeetingsovertheyearstoknowhedoesnotgiveashitaboutourweekend,anditisnotaquestionthatneedsanswering.
HenrylooksatmeforguidanceandIgivehimaslightshakeofmyhead.
“Minewasgreat,”Faulknercontinues.“IspentSaturdayatmydaughter’svolleyballgame,filledwithpride.TheywonandIcouldn’thavebeeninabettermood.EvenplannedafamilydayonSundaytocelebratetogether.”
Ifthere’sonethingI’velearnedinthethree-plusyearsI’veplayedonthisteam,youdon’tmesswithFaulknerandhisfamilytime.
Hetraveledalotwhenhewaspro,thenatureofthejob,buthestruggledwithbeingawayfromhiswifeandhisthennewborndaughter,Imogen.Theaccidentforcedhimtoslowdown,andnowthereisnothinghevaluesmorethantimewithhisgirls.
“OnSunday,Igotaphonecallfromthedean.”Hebringshiscoffeeflaskuptohislips,watchingpeopleshuffleawkwardlyoverthebrim.“Ohyeah,youcanalllookfuckinguncomfortable.NotDirectorSkinner,ohno,itwasabovehim.Thedeanwantedtoknowwhymyteamofhighlyskilled,divisiononeathleteshadpurposelyinjuredanotherstudent.”
“Coach,we—”
“Shutyourmouth,Johal,”hebarks,slammingtheflaskdownonthetable.“Thedeanreceivedaphonecallfromthestudent’smother,whothreatenedtopullhersizabledonationtothenewArtsbuilding.She’sunderstandablyveryupset,notonlybecauseherchildwashurtoncollegepropertybutalsobecausehehasacompetitionintwoweeks.”
Hedoesn’tneedtotellus.Weallknowaboutsectionals.It’sallAnastasiashoutsatuswhenshe’stryingtogetusofftheice.
Krishadtoldherhewouldtakeashoteverytimeshesaidthewordsectionals,earningsnickersfromtheguysaroundhim.Ihadbeenreadytostepin,butshepinnedhimwithaglaresocoldachillrandownmyspine,andshewasn’tevenlookingatme.
Shehadlookedhimupanddownslowly,andIsawhimshuffleonthespot,butthen,shegavehimadazzlingsmileandpattedhimonthearm.“I’dtakeashoteverytimeyoumissthegoal,butIdon’thavetimetogetalcoholpoisoningthisweek.”
That’swhytheguysloveher,evenifshedoesspendmostofhertimecallingusthebaneofherexistenceandtellingustolearnhowtotellthetime.Shecanholdherownandshe’sfunnywhenshe’sgrumpy.
“AmIboringyou,Hawkins?”Ihearfaintly,onlyfullyregisteringhe’stalkingtomewhenMattieelbowsmeintheribs.
“No,sir.Ihaveamigraine,butIamlistening.”
HiseyesnarrowasheassessesifI’mlying,butI’mwhiteasasheetwithhugebagsundermyeyes.He’dbehard-facedtotrytosayI’mnotillrightnow.
IwouldgetmigraineswhenIlivedathomefromthestressofspendingsomuchtimewithmydad.Theywereunbearable,whichishowIknowifIkeepontopofthepainkillers,Icanjustaboutfunction.IfIletitspiraloutofcontrol,I’llbevomitingandhidingfromthelightlikeavampirebeforeIknowit.
“So,youcanseewe’reinquitethepredicamenthere.Nowtellme,whodidit?”
Theroomisstillsilentbecause,asIsaid,everyonehassaiditwasn’tthem.Thenormalthingtodowouldbetospeakup,tellFaulknerhe’sgotitwrong,andworktogethertofindoutthetruth.
Butthatisn’ttheTitans’way.
He’sdecidedwe’reguiltybecausewe’vegivenhimnoreasontobelievehecantrustustotellthetruth.
He’shadyearsofpetty,exhaustingbullshitwhereit’sturnedouttobeaguyontheteamtoblameeverysingletime.Hewon’tgiveusthebenefitofthedoubtbecausewe’veneverearnedit.
“You’reallofftheteamuntilsomeonecomesforwardandadmitsthetruth.”
Thesilentroomeruptsintochaosaseverypersontriestoreasonwithhim.Thevolumeincreasesandmyheadachesuntilheeventuallybellows,andeveryonestopstalkinginstantly.“Idon’tgiveafuckaboutforfeitingyourgames.Iwillmakethisteamfinishbottomifyouboysdon’tstartbehavinglikemen!”
I’vesaidbeforehe’sascaryguy.Hisangerisbubblingupsoblatantlyit’sunmissable,buthe’sdisappointedwhenyoulookbeyondtheflushedfaceandtheloudvoice.Robbiehasbeenpinchingthebridgeofhisnoseandstaringintohislapforthelastfiveminutes,disappointed,too,becausehecan’tcoachateamthatdoesn’texist.
“Hockeyisaprivilege!Collegeisaprivilege!”Faulknershouts.“WhenIhavemyanswer,youcanplayagain.”
Iclearmythroatandavoideyecontactwithmyteammates.“Itwasme,Coach.”
***
IknowtheTylenoliswearingoffthemomentnauseahitsmelikeabus.
Coachisonthephonetothedean,uhmingandyesing,notgivingtoomuchaway.I’vealreadyreceivedabouttwentymessagescallingmeawholehostofcreativeinsults,whichisdeserved,I’dsay.
Faulknerdoesn’tbelieveme.Icantellbyhowhe’swatchingmeashemumblesintothephone,buthishandsaretied,andIgavehimanouthedesperatelyneeded.
HecouldlosehisteamforGodknowshowlongbecausenobodywouldeversayitwasthem.Alternatively,hecanlosemetemporarilyandhavemebackbeforetheseasonisinfullswing.Itwasariskonmypart,I’lladmit,sinceIdon’tknowwhatthepunishmentisbutthelongerwedragitout,themoremyteamsuffers,andthemoreIwanttobeattheshitoutofAaron.
AtleastifIknockAaronoutI’dhavesomethingtobeguiltyof.
Heputsthephonebackinitscradle.“Youdon’tplayuntilhecanskateagain.That’swhatthedeansaid.Youcancometogamesinyoursuit,butyousitandwatch.Youdon’ttrainwiththeteam,andyoucan’tbepartofanyteam-relatedactivitiesotherthantraveling.”
“Doyouknowhowlonghe’soutfor?”
“No.He’sseeingaspecialistthiseveningandweshouldknowthen.Itwillbetwoweeksminimumbasedonthebruisingonhiswristandhip.Hehasn’tbrokenanything,sorestandafewmobilityactionsshouldbeenough,buthisparentsaredemandinghegetsasecondopiniontobeonthesafeside.”Hedragsahanddownhisface,andwhenItakeasecondtolookathimproperly,heseemsaboutasillandexhaustedasIdo.“Heobviouslyliftshisgirlfriendwhentheyskate,sotheydon’twanttoputheratriskifhe’snotgoingtobestrongenoughintwoweeks.”
“She’snothisgirlfriend.”ThewordsflyoutofmymouthbeforeIcanevenstopthemandhiseyesinstantlycloseinonme.Fuck.
“IfIfindoutthisisoverawoman,Hawkins,sohelpmeGod,I’llkillyoumyself.I’mnottotallyclueless.Iknowthisdoesn’taddup,butwhatamIsupposedtodowhenyoutellmeyoudidit?”
HepinchesthebridgeofhisnoseandIwishIhadsomethingtoofferhiminthewayofanexplanation.
“Idon’thavetheenergytoscreamatyourightnow;I’mtoodisappointed.IsuggestyoutellyourguardianaboutthisshitshowbecauseIdonotwantangryemailswhenyou’renotplaying.Nowgetthehelloutofmyoffice—I’llcallyoulaterintheweek.”
Thewalktomycarfeelslikeamarathon,butIeventuallymakeit,immediatelyreachingforpainkillersandabottleofwaterIstoredintheglovebox.
Myphoneisstillblowingup,andIfinallyforcemyselftolookatitbecausetheguysdeserveanswers.
PUCKBUNNIES
JOECARTER:Hawkins,youfuckingturnip.Whatthehellishappening?
BOBBYHUGHES:NotbeenthisstressedsinceIfoundoutcondomsaren’t100%effective.
JAIDENJOHAL:Excuseme?Whatwasthatnow?
KRISHUDSON:Howarewesupposedtoplaywithoutacaptain?
JAIDENJOHAL:Nolet’snotmovepastthecondomthing?????????
NATEHAWKINS:Can’tpracticeorplayuntilAaroncanskate.
MATTIELIU:Howlongisthat?
NATEHAWKINS:*shrugemoji*
NATEHAWKINS:GoingtoStassie’splacetotrytotalktoher.
NATEHAWKINS:Seeyoualllater.
Myheadisstillthrobbing,andI’veneverbeenasgratefulforacarthatdrivesitselfasIamrightnow.
JJtextedmeherapartmentnumbersinceI’veneverbeeninvitedaroundanddon’tknowit.HewashereonSaturdaytodropoffhisjersey,soIhedgemybetsthatshehasn’ttakenhisnameoffthevisitorlistandgivehisnametotheguyinthelobby.Itworksandthankfullyhedoesn’taskmetoprovideID.Hehandsmeatemporarycodetomaketheelevatorworkandtellsmeit’llworkfortwenty-fourhours.
Itmakesmehappythatshelivesinsuchasafeandsecurebuilding.Whenshe’snotangrywithme,andI’mnotessentiallycommittingfraudtogainentry,I’mgoingtomentionImanagedtoliemywayinhere.
Butnowisnotthetime.
MapleTowerissaidtobethebestaccommodationMapleHillsoffers,andIcanseewhy—thewholeblockisluxuriousandbeautiful.PartofmewondershowStascanafforditbecauseIdoubtherSaturdayteachingjobpaysenough,andIknowherscholarshipdoesn’tcoveraccommodation.ButthenIgettoherdoor,apartment6013,andrightunderneaththenumbersincursive,itsays,TheCarlisleResidence.
Itakeadeepbreathandknockonthedoorafewtimes,hardbutnotfrantic.Idon’twanthertothinkI’mhereforafightbecauseI’mnot.
Ican’ttellifthecrampinginmystomachisanxietyorbecausemybodyandmybrainaregivingup.Buttheurgetovomitintensifieswhenthedoorpullsback,andAaronisontheothersideofit,onlywearingbasketballshorts.
“I’mheretoseeAnastasia.Canyougetherforme,please?”Iaskcalmly.Iwanttoscreamathim,callhimaliar,pummelmyfistintohisobnoxiousfuckingface,butIdon’t.
Hesmilesatme.IswearI’mnotimaginingit,hesmilesandmovestothesideandopensthedoorwider,holdingouthisbandagedarmtoindicateformetocomeinside.
“She’sinherroom,”hechirps,closingthedoorbehindme.
“Idon’tknowwhichonethatis,”Isay,liftinganeyebrow.“Ihaven’tbeenherebefore.”
Heshrugsandthefakesmiledrops.“Middledoor.Theonenexttothetablewithflowers.”
“Thanks,”Imurmurback,makingmywaytowardit.He’sbeingtoonice,toocalm,andit’sputtingmyentirebodyonedge.I’mwaitingforwhateverhe’ssopleasedabouttoshowitself.
Itaplightlyonthedoor,butIdon’tgetananswer.SoItryagain,andthistimeIhearasob.“Goaway,Aaron!”
Itakemychancesandpushthedooropen,andrightbeforemeiswhyAaronwassohappytoletmein.Ryanisproppedupagainstherheadboard,onearmwrappedaroundherandtheotherstrokingherhairasshesitsbetweenhislegsandsobsintohischest.ThisiswhatAaronwantedmetosee,buttheonlyreasonmyheartfuckingachesisbecauseshelooksbroken.
Theybothlookatmesimultaneously,wildlydifferentexpressionsontheirfaces,buthersisunmistakable.
Betrayal.
“Getout,”shesays,hervoicecracking.ShetwistsinRyan’sarmsandusesthebackofherhandstowipethetearsfromhereyes.“Youliedtomeagain!Youpromisedyoudidn’tdoanything,andyoulied,Nathan.”
“Stassie,please.Canwetalk?IpromiseIdidn’tdoanything.”
“Stoppromisingmethings!”shescreams,herentirebodyshakingassobsrackthroughher.Ryanburieshisheadintoherhair,mutteringsomethingIcan’thear,buthereyesaregluedtome.“ThedeantoldAaron’sparents,Nate!Iknowyou’vebeendropped!Iknowitwasyou!”
IfeellikeIcan’tbreathe.MyheadisthrobbingandIdesperatelywanttotellhereverythingthat’shappenedtoday,butallIcanconcentrateonisthewhitestabofpaininmyheadandtheburningbehindmyeyes.
RyanliftsStasandputsheronthebedbesidehim.“Yougood,Hawkins?”heasks,slidingoffthebed.“Youdon’tlooksogreatrightnow,buddy.Doyouneedtositdown?Youneedwater?”
MyheadbeginstospinasIfeelRyan’sarmsonmyshoulders,navigatingmebackwarduntilmylegshitachairandIsitdown.
“What’swrongwithhim?”sheasks,panicinhervoice.
Ibringmypalmstomyeyesanddropmyheadbetweenmylegs,takingdeepbreaths.Ican’ttakeanymorepainkillers,soit’spointlessasking.
EndingupinCoach’sofficeputtoomuchofagapbetweenthelastdosewearingoffandthenewdosekickingin,andnowI’mpayingforitwhilealsoembarrassingmyself.
Great.
Hersofthandspressagainstmyforehead,andIcan’thelpbutleanintohertouch.She’snevergoingtoletmenearheragain.Ijustwishthemomentwasn’truinedbythehottwingeinmybrainandmyentirebodyfeelinglikeit’sbeingcrushedbitbybit.
“Migraine.I’lldrivehome.Willcomebackwhenwecantalk,”Imanagetowhisper.“Hecan’tdrive,”isthelastthingIhear.TWENTY-ONE|ANASTASIA
I’verepositionedtheiPadinfrontofmetentimesalready,butIcan’thelpbutmoveitslightlytotherightonemoretime.
EverythingIneedisinfrontofme,linedupinorderofpriority.Myplanner,water,andKleenex—thebiggestboxtheyhave.
I’vedonethishundredsoftimes,soIdon’tknowwhyI’mnervous,buttheuneasyfeelingispricklingbeneaththesurface.SabrinaandAaronwenttoKenny’stogetwingsandgivemeprivacy,andthesilenceofmyapartmentonlyaddstomyunease.
Rightoncue,Dr.Andrews’snameappearsonthescreenastheiPadrings.
PressingAccept,myheartsinkswhenthescreenfillswiththefamiliarSeattlebackdropandthemuteddécorofDr.Andrews’soffice.
He’ssittingathisdesk,ajournalbalancedonhiscrossedlegs,withapenrestingbetweenhisfingers.“Goodafternoon,Anastasia.Howareyoufeelingtoday?”
Homesickisthewordonthetipofmytongue.ForthefirsttimesinceIleftforcollege,IwishIwasbackinWashington.
I’veseenSeattleinmoviesorshowscountlesstimes,andI’veneverbeenaffected.SeeingitthroughawindowIlookedthroughforclosetotenyearsmakesmewanttohoponthenextflightoutofLAX.
Wipingmysweatingpalmsagainstmypants,Ismileintothecamera.“I’mgood,thankyou.”
“Areyousurethat’stheansweryouwantmetowritedown?”
Dr.Andrewsisinhisearlyfortiesnow,buthewasfreshfromcollectinghisPhDwhenIfirstbecamehispatient.Hehasn’taged;hisfacehasthesamesoftlinesaroundhiseyes,andhishairhasalwaysbeenthesamelightbrownwithflecksofgray.
MedschoolsgrayshecalledthemwhenIaskedwhattheywere,probablyveryrudely,whenIwasaroundnine.Inaway,Ithinkhimdefyingthesignsoftimeisacomforttome.ThatfeelslikesomethingIshouldaddresswithhimatsomepoint.
Hedoesn’tsayanythingwhileIconsiderwhattosaynext.It’snotlikeIthinkkeepingthingsfromyourtherapistisgood.Ijustdon’tknowhowtoverbalizemyfeelingsrightnow,whichiswhyI’mbackintherapy.“Yourviewismakingmesad.”
“Canyoupinpointwhatabouttheviewisupsettingtoyou?”
Thesoundofpenscratchingagainstpaperbegins,anoiseI’vegrownaccustomedtoovertheyears.“Ihaven’tbeenhomeinalmostayear.ImissSeattle.”
Sittingupstraightinhischair,herotatesslightly,knowinglyorunknowingly,partiallyblockingtheview.Iunclenchmyfists,somethingIdidn’trealizeIwasdoinguntilmypalmsstartedtostingfromtheindentofmynails.
“DoyourparentsvisityouinLosAngeles?”
“Never.Theyask,butI’malwaysbusy,andtheydon’tlikeflying,soIdon’tlikemakingthemtravel.I’mtoobusytovisitthem.”
“We’vetalkedaboutyourparentsalot,Anastasia.You’vetoldmeyoufeeloverwhelmedbytheneedtosucceedforthem,morethanyourself.”Hepusheshisglassesupthebridgeofhisnoseandlooksintothecamera.“Doesthepressure,ortheoverwhelmedfeelingyoudescribe,diminishwhenyouhaven’tseenthem?”
“Itneverfullygoesaway.Skatingisalwaysthefirstthingtheyaskaboutwhentheycall.”AlumpinmythroatformsandIstruggletoswallowitdown.“WhenIdon’thearfromthem,Ifeel,uh,Ifeelrelief.”
Henods,scribblingdownnotesonthepageinfrontofhim.“Doesthereliefmakeyoufeelguilty?”
OhGod.Whyaremyeyeswatering?“Yeah.”
“Whatareyourinterestsoutsideoffigureskating,Anastasia?”
Itrytoanswerimmediately,butwhenmymouthopens,IrealizeIdon’thaveanythingtosay;skatingismyentirelife.“Idon’thaveany.”
“Andifyouweretoloseacompetitionordecideyoudidn’twanttoskateanymore,doyouthinkyourparentswouldbemad?Takeamomenttothinkaboutit.”
Idon’tneedamoment.Assoonasheaskedthequestion,theanswerimmediatelydroppedintomyhead.“No,Ithinkthey’dbeconfusedatfirst,butthey’dwantmetobehappy.”
“Fromourjointsessionswithyourparentsinthepast,andthesessionswe’vehadtogether,Iknowhowhighlyyouthinkofthem.WouldIbecorrecttosayyoustillfindthemverysupportive,whetherit’stherapy,school,orsportsrelated?”
“Absolutely.They’regreat.”
“Parents,well,goodparentslikeyours,whohavehigh-achievingchildrenwithveryspecificinterests,sometimesstruggletoknowwhattotalkaboutoutsideofthoseinterests.”Heclaspshishandstogetherandreststhemagainsthisstomach,leaningbackinhischair.“Yourparentshavesaidinourjointsessionstheyunderstandskatingisyourbiggestpriority.Youmightfindthatthemaskingyouaboutiteverytimetheyspeaktoyouistheirwayofshowingyoutheystillsupportyou,despitenotseeingyouregularly.”
Mychestconstricts—guilt.GuiltbecauseIknowmyparentssupportme.GuiltbecauseIhaven’tseenthem.GuiltbecauseIhaven’tappreciatedthem.
IkeepmyeyesstuckontheiPadscreen,staringrightathistiepin;ifIlookathisface,I’llcry.“Iknowtheyonlywantthebestforme.”
“It’snormaltounderstandsomethinglogicallybutemotionallyfeelsomethingdifferent.Lovingsomeonebutfeelingreliefnotspeakingtothem,it’sahugeconflictinaperson’smind,butitdoesn’tmakeyoubadinanyway,itmakesyouhuman.”Thisisrough.“Goingbacktotheview,Anastasia.Doyouthinkperhapsmyviewupsetsyou,notbecauseyoumissSeattle,butbecauseyoumissyourparents?”
Inod,eyesnotleavingthepinevenastheylinewithtears.“Maybe.”
“Likechildren,adultsneedboundaries.I’dlikeyoutotellyourparentsyoudon’twanttodiscussskating.Evenifit’sjustforonecall,onevisit,seehowyoufeel,knowingitwon’tbebroughtup.Achievable?”
Blinkingawaythetearsthreateningtofall,Ilookbackathisfaceandforceasmile.“Sure.”
IstoppedhavingregulartherapysessionswhenImovedtoLAtwoyearsago.IwassoimmersedinthewholecollegeexperienceIdidn’tneedit.Butsomethingwouldhappen,I’dhaveanad-hocsessionandpromisemyselfI’dgoregularlyagain,butIneverdid.
Nothingabouttherapygetseasier.Youjustlearntoacceptthosehardconversationsareworthitwhenyourfeelingsbecomemoremanageable.HalfwaythroughthesessionandIcanbreathenow,butfromexperience,Iknowthatcouldallchangeagainbeforethesessionisover.
“Inoursessionlastweek,youexplainedhowtheuncertaintyaroundyourcompetitionwascausingsevereanxiety.Canyoutellmehowyou’refeelingthisweek?”
“Ifeelgood,”Ianswerhonestly.It’snicetohavesomethingpositivetosayforonce.“Aaronwasclearedbythedoctoryesterdaysowecancompetetomorrow.”
“I’mthrilledtohearthat.Itmustbeahugeweightoffyourmind.”AaronandIskippedclasstopractice,andthankfully,everythingwentsmoothly.“Andhow’syourrelationshipwithAaron?Lastweekyoumentionedyouwerefeelingsmothered.”
Smotheredfeelslikeanunderstatement.Aaronhasbarelyleftmysidefortwoweeks,andit’sbeenalot.Inmanyways,Iappreciatethatdespitebeingtheinjuredone,he’smadetimeformetogrieve.Becausethat’swhatthepasttwoweekshavefeltlike,grief.GrievingthelossofthingsIcouldhavehad.
Butevenwiththebestofintentions,sometimesAaron’skindnessfeelslikecontrol.Mytearswereunderstandable,butonlyiftheywereaboutskating.TheanxietyIwasfeelingwouldgetbetter,butonlywithhimbymysidetohelpme.
“Aaronhasbackedoff,”Iexplain.“ItoldhimIneededtoprocessonmyown,especiallynowIhavedoubtsaboutwhathappened.Hewasannoyedatfirst,butheseemstohaveforgottenallaboutitnowhe’sbeenclearedtoskate.”
“Doyoufindhegetsannoyedwithyouoften?”
“Uh,AaronwouldbenefitfromtherapyisprobablythenicestwayIcansayit.”IfighttheurgetonervouslaughbecausewheredoIevenstart.“Aaron’sparentsmanipulateeachotherallthetime,it’ssuperunhealthy,andAaronhasgrownupbeingshownit’showyougetwhatyouwant.Hewantstobebetterthanthem,andhedoestry.Alotofthetime,he’sawonderfulfriend.”
“Butdoeshegetannoyedwithyouoften?”
“Idefinitelytakethebruntofhisbadmoods,butIspendmoretimewithhimthananyoneelse.Sometimesitfeelslikeeverything’sperfect,andsuddenlyitwon’tbe,andIwon’tknowwhatIdidwrong.”
“Soundsdifficult.”
“Itis.Heholdsmetoadifferentstandard,like,Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit.SomethingSabrinadoesisfine,butifIdotheexactsamething,itmightnotbefine.”
“Youfeelliketherulesaredifferentforyou?”
“Yeah,exactly.Whenhe’sinagoodmood,itdoesn’tmatter,butifthingsarebad,he’stoughtobearound.ButIwouldn’tabandonSabrinaifshehadissues;Idon’twanttoabandonhim.”
“Veryadmirable,Anastasia.”Hejotssomethingdown,andsometimes,IwishIcouldreadhisnotes.“Iwouldencourageyoutorememberwhileeveryonehasprogresstomake,it’simportantforyoutomakesureyouprioritizeyourwell-being.Friendshipsareimportant,butsoislivinginahealthyenvironment.”
“Gotcha.”
“I’dliketotalkaboutNathannextifyou’reableto.I’dliketoknowabouthisimpactonyourlife.”
Iknewitwascoming,butIwasstillunpreparedforit.Yourtherapistisn’tgoingtoforgetaboutyouendingasessionearlybecauseyoucouldn’tstopcryingaboutamanyou’veonlyknownfortwomonths.
Lastweek,IgaveDr.AndrewsarundownoftheeventsleadinguptomyunlikelyfriendshipwithNathan.ItwaswhenIstartedtalkingaboutplayinghousethatmademecry.
“Ihaven’theardfromhimintwoweeks.Iyelledathimreallybad,andIthinkour,well,whateverwehave,isover.”
Heflicksthroughthecrisppagesandtapsonthepage.“YouwereangrybecausehehadadmittedhewasresponsibleforAaron’saccidentafterpromisingyouhewasn’t.”
“Yes.”
“Andhe’smadeapromisebefore,whichturnedouttobealie.Toprotectateammate,right?”
“That’sright.”
“Butyouthinkhemightbetellingthetruth,andthat’swhyitupsetsyoutotalkabouthim?”
Twoweeksago,afterRyanrefusedtoletNathandrivehome,BobbyandJoeshoweduptogethim.Natehadpassedoutbythatpointafterviolentlythrowingupmultipletimes,andIwishedIcouldpassout.Bobbytookonelookatmytear-soakedfaceandtriedtoconvincemeNatedidn’tdoit,eventhoughheadmittedtoit.JoewasnexttojumpintodefendNate,explainingCoachFaulknerwantedtocancelalltheirhockeygamesunlesssomeoneconfessed.
TheybothpromisedNathanwouldneverdoanythingtohurtme,whichwashardtohearandevenhardertostomach.
Dr.Andrewshasafingerpressedtohislips,patientlywaitingformetoexplain.AllIwanttodoisendthecall,butIpushthrough.“Nate’safixer.Helooksoutforhisfriends;Iknowhowproudhefeelstobetrustedwiththetitleofcaptain.Itmakessensetomethathe’dtakethefallifhisteamwouldsuffer.”
“Itsoundslikeadifficulttimeforyouall.Whatisitspecificallythat’supsettingyou?Beingliedtoagain?”
Ihavebeenaskingmyselfthesamething.Sighing,louderthanintended,Itrytoputitintowords.“Kinda.Ifeelna?vemorethananything.NathanandAaroncan’tbothbetellingthetruth.Aaronhasn’tgainedanything;hehasnoreasontolie.”
“AndNathan?”
“Nathan…”OhGod.WhyamIgettingupset?“Nathanmakesmefeelcaredforwhenwe’retogether.Hemakesmefeelwanted.Idon’tthinkhe’djeopardizemycompetition,butIdon’ttrustmyjudgmentbecauseI’vestartedtogetfeelingsforhim.”
“Haveyoutoldhimthis?”
Shakingmyhead,IfinallyadmitdefeatandreachfortheKleenex.“LikeIsaid,Ihaven’theardfromhim.I’vethoughtaboutcallinghimsomanytimes,butI’mscared.”
“What’reyouscaredof?”
“Thatit’stoolate.He’llhearwhatIhavetosayandrejectmeanywaybecauseIdidn’tbelievehim.”
Admittingitoutloudhurts.Wantinghimwhenhemightnotwantmebackhurts.Nottrustingmyselftogetthingsrighthurts.Missinghimhurts.
I’vemanagedtoavoideveryonebypracticingattherinkatwork.Bradywasn’thappyaboutit,butIdidn’tgiveheranychoice.Mattiegavemeasadwavewhenhesawmeinoneofoursharedlectures,buthedidn’tapproachme.Sabrina’sunderstrictinstructionstonotkeepmeupdated.
“Rejectionisscary,butsoislivingwithneverknowingwhatcouldhavehappenedifyouwerehonest.Ithinkyouneedtocommunicateyourfeelingswithhim.Anyrelationship,friendship,ormore,willnotsurvivethroughallthisdishonesty.”
“ItfeelsunfairthatIhavetobethehonestone.”Isnort,dabbingatmycheekswithatissue.“I’mnottheonetellinglies.It’severyoneelse.I’mstuckinthemiddle,lookinglikeafool.”
Dr.Andrewssmiles,smotheringalaughwithhishand.“Yes,theironyisn’tlostonme,butnobodythinksyou’reafool,Anastasia.What’sthesaying?Bethechangeyouwanttosee,orsomething.Leadwithhonesty.Itsoundslikeyouhavegoodpeoplearoundyou,andit’simportanttorememberpeoplemakemistakes.”
“I’mfinewithmistakes.Idon’texpectanyonetobeperfect—”
“Otherthanyourself.”
Irollmyeyesbecausehe’sgotmethere,buttherearen’tenoughminutesleftinthissessiontotacklethatone.It’sbeenmorethantenyears,anditstillhasn’tbeenlongenoughyet.
“Otherthanmyself,butnotwithmyfriends.”
Atimerbeepsquietly,whichisourreminderthesessioniscomingtoanend.It’snotuntilIhaveasessionthatIrememberhowexhaustingtherapyis.Itleavesyouwithafeelingshangover.Ialwaysneedtosleepitoff,butwhenIwakeup,Ifeelbetter.
“We’vecoveredalot,buttorecap.Whatarethethingstotakeawayfromthisconversation?”
Itfeelslikewe’vecoveredsomuch,butinreality,Icouldprobablyfillanotherfewhoursobsessingoverthis.“IneedtosetboundarieswithmymomanddadsoIcanenjoyspendingtimewiththem,notworrying.”
“Good.Whatelse?”
“IneedtoputmyselffirstwhenAaronisbeingdifficult.Icanbeagoodfriendwhilealsoprioritizingmywell-being.”
“And?”
“IneedtospeaktoNathan.IneedtobehonestabouthowIfeel.”
“Andfinally?”
“Peoplemakemistakes.”
Closingoverhisjournal,hegivesmeacrookedsmile.“Topoftheclass,welldone.Yourcompetitionistomorrow,right?”
“Yeah,atlunchtime.”
“I’veseenyouthroughmanycompetitions,andIknowtheprospectoflosingisnotoneyouoranycompetitiveathletelooksforwardto.Howdoyoufeelmentallygoingintothis?Areyoupreparedtopotentiallynotqualify?”
“Yes,”Ilie.“BecauseI’llhavetriedmybest,andI’drathercompeteandlosethannotcompete.”
“Yougivethatlinetomeeverytime,Anastasia,andImustsay,youarenomoreconvincingnowthanyouwerewhenyouwerenine.”Heputshisjournalandpenonhisdeskandstraightenshistie,chuckling.“Ihonestlyhopeyougettheoutcomeyou’vebeenworkingsohardfor,especiallyafterallofthisunhappiness.”
“Metoo,Doc.”TWENTY-TWO|NATHAN
Thepastfourteendayshavebeenthelongestofmylife.
Fortwoweeks,I’vesulkedandmopedaround,desperatelyjealousofmyteammates,piningafteragirlwhohatesme.
Inanutshell,I’vebeenaloserfortwoweeks.
IgenuinelynearlycriedwithhappinesswhenRobbiecalledtotellmetogetmyassreadyforpracticebecauseShitheadhadbeenclearedtoskate.
NotplayingwiththeteamhasmademerealizehowmuchIlovehockey.Iknowitsoundsoutrageousbecauseyou’dthinkI’dknow,right?IthoughtIdid.Buthavingtimeawayhasgivenmeanewfocusandclarity.
MynextthoughtwasAnastasiaandthefactherdreamswerebackinreach.Jesus,Iwanttoseehersofuckingbad.
Mybathroomisfullofbottlesthatsmellgood,justlikeshedoes.I’veneverlikedthesmellofhoneyandstrawberryasmuchasIdonowthatIhaven’tseenher.
Butshedoesn’twantmenearher.IsawitinherfacewhenshethoughtI’dliedtoheragain.Iwanttocallher;I’vethoughtaboutcallingherdozensoftimes,butI’mscaredI’llmakeeverythingworse.
Mattietoldmehowsadshelookedwhenhesawherinclass,andIhatebeingthereasonforit.Shemustcareformealittle,evenifshedoesn’trealizeit.WhenIfeltlikeIwasatdeath’sdoorwithmymigraineandIviolentlyandveryunattractivelyvomitedmultipletimes,shewasbesideme,rubbingmyback.
WhenIpassedoutonherbed,andsheclimbedontocheckmytemperature,Ipushedmyluckandburiedmyheadinherlap.Iwantedtohidefromthelightthatwasmakingmybrainfry,butshestrokedmyhairforwhatfeltlikeforever.Itriedtostayawaketoappreciateit,butIcouldn’t.
Sabrinaissickofmeaskinghowherbestfriendis.EverytimeIevenmentionStassie,shetellsmeLAPDhastonsofunsolvedcrimesIcanconfesstoandtoannoytheminsteadofher.
It’swordy,soyou’dthinkshe’dshortenitaftertwoweeks,butno,she’sverycommittedtohercraft.Asmuchasshelikesgivingmeahardtime,Iknowshe’sstuckinthemiddleandissuperupset.RobbietoldmeAnastasiaforbidsSabrinafromevenmentioninganyofus,whichonlymakesmefeelworse
IwantedtotexthertosaygoodluckforsectionalsbutchickenedoutwhenIthoughtitmightstressherout.IwantthingstogobacktonormalmorethanI’veeverwantedanything.
GettingawayfromMapleHillsandsmashingUTAustin8–3wasanexcellentwaytoputmydramatothebackofmymind.
IwasworriedI’dberusty,buteverythingwasperfectotherthanJoeandJJlivinginthepenaltyboxliketheywerepayingrent.I’llletRobbiedealwiththembecauseI’mintoogoodofamood.
Fornow,anyway,itmightnotlastlongsinceI’msneakingacrossthehotellobbywithtwobagsfromtheliquorstore.
Technically,it’snotillegalbecauseI’mtwenty-one,butFaulknerwon’tseeitthatwayifhecatchesmepassingaroundbottlesofJ?germeister.Iwaspickedtotaketherisk;theguyssayIowethembecausetheyhadtotakealltheshitRobbienormallygivesmewhenIwasn’tthere.
Pressingmykeycardagainstthedoor,Ipushthehandledownwhenthelightflashesgreen.MostoftheguysarealreadyintheroomI’msharingwithRobbieandHenry,puttingtheirsweatyfeetallovermybed.
Itfeelsmorelikewalkingintoafuneralthantheroomofateamwhojustwonagame.“Whodied?”Theyallturntolookatme,identicalsomberfaces.“Iwasjoking,butnowI’mnotsure.Whyareyoualllookingatmelikethat?”
Theylookbetweeneachother,andKrisisthefirsttoclearhisthroat.“Faulknerislookingforyou,dude.”
“Ihaven’tevenopenedabottleyet.”Ilaugh,puttingthebagonthedesk.“HowcanIbeintroublealready?”
“It’snotthat,”Robbiesays,runningahanddownhisface.“Aaroncan’tskateagain,Nathan.You’rebackonthebench.”
“Whatthefuckdoyoumeanhecan’tskate?”Iyell.I’mgoingtogetanotherfuckingmigraine.“Didtheycompete?”Silence.“Cansomeonepleasetellmewhatthehellisgoingon?”
“Hedroppedher,”Henrysaysflatly,walkingovertothebagsandpullingoutabottle.“Hiswristgaveoutwhentheyperformed,andhedroppedher.”
***
I’vebeensittingoutsideofMapleTowerforthirtyminutes,andIstillhaven’tmanagedtomakeitinsideyet.
FifteenofthoseminutesweremeonthephonewithSabrina,tryingtoconvincehertogivemynametotheconciergesoIcouldgetacodefortheelevator.TheotherfifteenhavebeenmentallypreparingforAnastasiatokickmeout
FaulknerconfirmedwhattheguyssaidwhenIfoundhim.Aaron’sinjurygaveoutwhiletheywereontheice;hetriedtocatchheronthewaydown,injuringhimselffurther.
“I’msorry,Hawkins,”Faulknersaid,handingmeabeerfromtheminifridge.“We’llknowmoreMonday,butSkinnerwantsyoubenchedfromwhat’sbeensaidsofar.”
Idon’tcareaboutmyselfrightnow.I’mthinkingofmyteamlikeIalwaysam,butmainlyI’mthinkingabouther.Iwon’tbeabletostopthinkingaboutheruntilIseewithmyowneyesthatshe’sokay.
There’sanacheinmystomachthewholeelevatorride.Thankfully,Brindidn’taskformetobeforcefullyremoved,andIwasletintothebuilding.Knockingmyknucklesagainstthedoorthreetimes,Istepback.Theacheintensifies,andmyheartfeelslikeit’sbeatinginthewrongrhythm.
ThedistinctBrooklynharshnessI’musedtobeingthrowninmydirectionechoesontheothersideofthedoor.ThedoorswingsopenandSabrinaleansagainsttheframe.“Ifyoumakehercry,Nathan.Iswear,yourdickwillliveinajarinmyroom,andI’llmakeitmylife’smissiontoensureyouareneverhappyagain.”
“Noted.”
Draggingmeinbymysweatshirt,shehuffsassheclosesthedoorbehindme.“She’sinherroomandshedoesn’tknowyou’rehere.Bepatientwithher,she’stough,butshe’svulnerableatthemoment.”Behindher,Aaronpeeksoutofhisbedroom,thenslamsthedoorshutwhenhespotsme.BrinmutterssomethinginArabicunderherbreathandrollshereyes.“Everythingisoutofhercontrol,Nate.She’snotagirlwholikesbeingoutofcontrol.”
“Igotit,Brin.IwanttoseeherbecauseI’vemissedher,andI’mworriedabouther.”
Shegivesmeacautiousnodandmovesoutofmyway.“She’smissedyoutoo.”
Ihavenorighttowantanythingrightnow;I’mgratefultohavemadeitthisfar.Butatiny,selfishpartofmehopesIdon’tfindRyanRothwellontheothersideofthisdoor.
Tappingmyfingerslightly,Ilistenforherquiet“Comein”beforepushingitopen.
Shedoesadoubletakeandsitsupstraightinherbed,wincingatherquickmovement.
She’swearingmyT-shirt
“Hey.”
Sheblinksatme,thenagainlikeshecan’tcomprehendit’sme.Istepintoherbedroomandclosethedoorbehindme,keepingmydistancefromher.“Hi,”shewhispersback.
“Iknowyoudon’twantmehere,butIheardwhathappened.Evenifyouripmyheadoff,Ihadtoseeyou,Anastasia.Ineededtoseewithmyowneyesthatyou’reokay.”
Bringingherkneestoherchest,shepullstheT-shirtoverherbarelegsandnods.Shelooksanythingbutokayrightnow.“Youlookbetterthanthelasttimeyouwerehere.Ididn’tknowyougetmigraines;itwasscary.”
Itakeastepclosertoherbedandshedoesn’treactbadly,soItakeanother.“Ididn’tmeantoscareyou,and,uh,I’msorryforthevomit.”Ientirelyforgotaboutthevomituntilrightnow.“AndI’msorryabouteverythingelse.I’vefuckedupsobadly,butit’snotinthewayyouthink.”
“Iknow.”
“Youknow?”
Sherestsherchinontopofherkneesandsighs.“Iknow,Nathan.”
Shelooksbroken.Paleandpuffyface,eyesredfromcryingorrubbing,orboth.Herhair,ordinarilyshinyandflowingdownherback,istiedintoaballonthetopofherhead,andherentiredemeanorfeelsdeflated.
“Stassie,canIhugyou?Youlooklikeyouneedone,andI,well,I’vemissedyoualot.”
“I’dlikethat,”shesays,soquietlythatIhardlyhearher.
Kickingoffmysneakers,Iclimbtowardher.ShestretchesoutherlegsandIimmediatelyseethefreshbruisesfromyesterday.Notknowingwheretoputmyself,Isitbesideher,proppeduponhermillionsofpillows,justcloseenoughsoourlegsaretouching.
It’sliketwoweeksaparthasmadeusforgethowtobearoundeachother,butwhenIputmyarmaroundher,sheclimbsbetweenmylegs,andsinksherfaceintomychest.
Mybodyknowswhattodobetterthanmybrain.Ipullherclosergently,wrappingmyarmsaroundher.AllthetensioninmybodyfadesandIcanbreatheproperlyagain.Untilhershouldersshakeandherfingersclingtomysweatshirt.Ipressmylipstoherforeheadashercrybecomesaudible,gettinglouderandlouder.“Shh,baby.It’sokay.”
“Everythingisa,”hervoicecracksbetweensobs,“totalmess.”
Cuppingherneckwithmyhand,Ibrushmythumbacrosshercheekuntilthecriesstop,andshestillsagainstmychest.
Ikeepmyarmsaroundher,sayingnothing,holdingheruntilshe’sreadytotalk.I’mlisteningtothegentlesoundofherbreathingwhenshefinallyspeaks.“I’msorryaboutthecrying.”
“Hey,Ichuckedupandpassedoutonyou,Stas.Icandealwithabitofcrying.Youwannatalkaboutwhathappened?”
Shereleasesmybody,andforasecond,Ithinkshe’smakingarunforit,butinstead,shestraddlesmylapandsitsfacingme.
Irubmyhandsupanddownthefrontofherbarethighswhilesherubsherpalmsagainsthereyes,gettingridofthestraytears.“Youeverbeendroppedfromagreatheightinfrontofhundredsofpeople?”
“Felloutofaskiliftonce.”
Shesnortsandshakesherhead.“Ofcourseyoudid.”Sheplayswiththestringofmysweatpants,notlookingatmyface.“Everythingwasfine.We’dpracticedandpracticed,andhewasfine.Wewereneartheendofourroutine,doingthelift,andhiswristjustwent.”
Thewayhervoiceshakeswhenshesaysitislikeapunchtothegut.Hereyesfinallymeetmine,tearsbrimming.
“It-thoughtIwasgoingtocrackmyheadopen.Itallhappenedsoquickly;Aaroncaughtmeonthewaydown,butIbashedhislegasheswungmearound.Hehasthesehideouscutsandbruises;Ifeelsoguilty.”
Icircleaparticularlyangry-lookingbruiseontheinsideofherthighlightlywithmyfinger.“Youhardlygotofflightly.”
“Ilandedonmyfeetinsteadofmyhead,Nate.Itcouldhavebeensomuchworse.”HerentirebodyisshakingontopofmeandIdon’tknowhowtofixit.“Hegotmyfeetontheground,toldmetokeepskating,andwemanagedtofinish.”
“Thenwhathappened?”
“Ithrewupandcried.”Shescoffs.“Wewaitedforourscoreandbysomemiracle,wejustmanagedtoqualify.We’dbeenperfectionuntilthatmoment,andIdon’tknow.”Shelaughs,butit’shumorless.Bitbybit,itmorphsintotearsuntilshe’shalflaughing,halfcrying.SheshrugsatmebecauseIdon’tthinksheknowswhat’shappeningeither.
Tuggingherbodytomine,Irubherbackasshesobsagain.Shewrapsherarmsaroundmyneckandrestsherheadonmyshoulders.Hersniffsandsighsticklemyneck,andIfeelsooutofmydepth.
Hercheekpressesagainstmine,andherbreathingdeepens.Thenshepresseshernosetomynose,andherhandssettleateachsideofmyface,wheretheystayuntilshepressesherlipsagainstmine.
Everythingissomuchslowerthanusual.Thereisn’ttheusualurgent,sexuallyfrustratedrushorthedrunken,hornyhaze.It’sjustmeandher,sober,hersoftbodyunderneathmyhandsandhertonguegentlymovingagainstmine.
Shebreaksusapart,handbrushingacrossmystubbleaffectionatelyasIwatchathousandquestionsswirlaroundherpretty,blueeyes.“Nathan,willyouplayhousewithme?”
“Always.”
***
Isuspectwashingwomen’shairusuallydoesn’ttakethislong,butIdon’thavethehearttostop.
ItriednottogasporstarewhenshepulledherT-shirtoffandsteppedundertherunningwater.IcouldseedeeppurplebruisesacrossherribsandstomachfromtheimpactofAaroncatchingher,makingmefeelsick.
I’musedtoseeingpeoplebatteredandbruised.Itcomeswiththeterritoryofbeingbothahockeyplayerandhavingafriendshipgroupfilledwithclowns.Butneverthis.Shegavemeasadsmile,holdingoutherhandformetostepintotheshowerwithher.“It’snotasbadasitlooks,Ipromise.”
Playinghouse,essentiallyforgettingreallifeforafewhours,wasthebestthingshecouldhavecomeupwith.ThinkingbacktowhatSabrinasaidaboutcontrol,IaskedAnastasiawhatshewantedtodo.Immediatelyshewantedtowashherhair,claimingshecouldn’tfacethetanglesherself.
I’mgoodatmassagingthestuffintoherscalp.Atfirst,Iwasalittlerough,butI’vegotitrightnow,andIgetallthesudsout.
Beinginhershowerisfascinating;there’stonsmoresmellystuffthanIknewexisted.Foundoutbodyexfoliatorisathingandit’sblownmymind.“Isthatwhyyou’realwayssosoft?”
Itfeelsreallyfuckinggoodtohearherlaugh.“Uh,yeah,maybe.”
Afterwewerebothunderthespray,herbodyrelaxedintomine,whereit’sstayed.There’snothingsexualaboutthisshowerandIdon’twanttheretobe.IwanttolookafterherandIfeelgratefulshewantsmeto.
Spinningaroundtofaceme,shecreepsontohertiptoesandrubsmyhead.“CanIwashyourhair?”
Hereyesarebrighternow,cheeksflushed,bringingthecolorbacktoherface.I’vebeentryingtogetherhairtostandupstraightforthepastfiveminutes,determinedtogiveherapunkrockhairstyle.It’stoolong,andeverytimeIgetenoughshampoofoamintoit,itflopsoverandsmacksherintheface.Igetanelbowinthestomachandshegetsamouthfullofshampoo.
“Youcan’tevenreachmyheadproperly,”Itease,linkingmyfingerswithhergrabbyhands.“Doyouwantsomehelp?”
Shelookslikeshe’sabouttobestubborn,butshemustrealizeshedoesn’thaveanotherchoicebecauseshenods.
LiftingherasgentlyasIcan,shewindsherlegsaroundmywaist.Ikeepmyhandsunderhertokeephersupported;well,it’sactuallytokeepherawayfrommyboner.Mydickdoesn’tunderstandthenaked,wetwomanwrappedaroundusgiggling,doesn’twanttositonhim.
Shelatherstheshampoobetweenherhandsandsinksthembothintomyhair,andIswearImoan.
“Thankyou,Nathan.Ineededthis.”
“Ineededittoo.”TWENTY-THREE|ANASTASIA
WhenIwokeupthismorning,IpromisedmyselfIwouldnotcrythisweek.
Imeantittoo.Itfeltachievableatthetime;Ievenpostednewweek,newstart.That’showpositiveIwasthingsweregoingtobegreat.I’vecriedsomuchoverthepasttwoweeksI’msurprisedourbuildingdidn’tflood.Butlastnightwasthemarkoftheendofallthecrying.
SoIthought,anyway.
Iwasn’tofftoagreatstartwhenIhadtodragmyselffrommybed.Nate’sheadwasburiedinmyneck,hiswarmbodyclingingtomine.Theideaofhavingtodetachmyselffromhimwascryworthy.
Hewassocaringlastnight.No,heissocaring.Settlingintobedwithhimafterhewashedandbrushedmyhairformewasthemostcalmingexperienceofmylife.Inthatmoment,itwaseasyforustotalkabouteverythingthat’shappened.
“Ican’tbelieveyouthinkIcouldeverrejectyou,Anastasia,”hesaidinshock.“Youhavenoidea,doyou?ThelengthsI’dgotoifyou’dletme.WhatI’ddotomakeyouhappy.”
MyheartdidaweirdthingI’veonlyreadabout.Amixbetweenathudandaflutter,thekindthatmademequestionwhetheritwouldcontinuetofunctionproperly.
BeingwithNatebringsanoverwhelmingsenseofsafety,likewhateverproblemIthrowathim,he’dcopewith.InaworldwhereIfeellikeIcouldbesweptawaybythewavesatanymoment,heanchorsme.Ivaluethat,valuehim.
“I’msorryforyellingatyou,”Imumbledintohischest,wheremyheadwasresting.
“Ideservedit,”headmitted,kissingthecrownofmyhead.“Icouldhavedonemore.IcouldhavecalledyoubeforeAaron’sparentsdidandexplained.Icould’venotadmittedtosomethingIdidn’tdo.”Helaughed.“I’msorryyouhadtospendonesecondthinkingIwoulddosomethingtohurtyourdreams.”
“Ilikeyou,Nathan,”Isaid,peeringupathisface.“AndithurtsmeonmultipledifferentlevelsthatI’mnowapersonwholikesahockeyplayer.ButIdo.It’ssohardbecauseAaronissoconvinceditwasyou,butI’mtrustingmygut.”
“Ilikeyoutoo.Thelasttwoweekshavesuckedsobad.”
OurconversationwasinterruptedbythesoundofAaronbangingaroundourapartment,presumablyunhappyNatewasround.
Aaron’shurting,too,bothphysicallyandmentally,buthehasn’tfoundahealthywaytocommunicateitwithme.Hedroppedmeandit’smakinghimfuckinghatehimself.ApologizingmoretimesthanIcancount,he’sobsessingoveronelittlemistakethatwasn’thisfault,andIcan’tgethimtosnapoutofit.
Idon’tblamehim;itwasanaccidentneitherofussawcoming.Otherthanafewmarks,I’msafe.I’vetoldhimhowgratefulIamthathecaughtme,butit’snotenoughforhim.
I’mscaredofhowthatwillaffectuswhenhe’sbacksincetheideaofbeingpickeduprightnowfreakingterrifiesme.EvenintheshowerwithNathan,whenhestartedtoliftmetogetclosertohishead,foramoment,myheartwantedtostop.
I’msurprisedIdidn’tcrushhim;mylegsweresotightaroundhimthatheprobablyhasanindent.Hedidn’tseemtocare.Ithinkhewasconcentratingonnotaccidentallypokingmewithhispenis.
WorryingaboutAaronissomethingI’musedto,butyoucanonlyproperlyhelpsomeonewhotellsyouwhat’swrongwiththem.
Thebangingofdoors—undoubtedlyAaronagain—wokemeupthismorning,andIoptedtolieawake,listeningtoNate’sbreathinginsteadofgoingbacktosleep.
“Icanhearthecogsinyourbrainturning.Tellme,whatcouldyoubethinkingaboutthisearlyinthemorning?”Heyawned,kissingmyshoulderaffectionately.
Bythatpoint,I’dalreadydeclaredacry-freeweek,soIdidn’twanttolaunchintomyAaronissue.
“I’mtryingtodecidewhetheryouputahockeystickinbedbetweenusorifyou’rereallyhappytobewakingupbesideme.”
Herubbedhimselfagainstmyass,groaningnexttotheshellofmyhair.He’savocalguyanditdoessomethingtome.It’slikeheflicksaswitchsomewhereandsuddenlyit’sNiagaraFallsbetweenmylegs.“IfIsayit’sahockeystick,willyouplaywithit?”
“OhmyGod.Youaresocringe.Ihatehockey,wouldyoubelieve?”
“Icouldmakeyoufallinlovewithhockey,Anastasia,”hewhispered,sendinggoosebumpsacrossmyentirebody.“Withtherighteducationaltools,ofcourse,andtheappropriateamountofpractice.”
Idon’tthinkhewastalkingabouthisdick.
Trailingalineofkissesdownmyneck,hishandtraveledbelowthebandofmypanties,lightlybrushinghisfingeracrossthematerialbetweenmythighs
Iwantedtopantlikeadog.Embarrassingbuttotallyjustified.Inthebackofmyhead,IknewIneededtogetoutofbedandnotrollarounditwithhim.“I’maveryhands-onlearner…butI’mafraidwedon’thavethetimetopractice,Captain.”
“Ohfuck.”Hishandtiltedmyheadback,immediatelycapturingmymouthwithhis.“CallmeCaptainagain.”
Breakingawayfromhim,myeyesnarrowed.“Ithinkthatmightbesomethingweneedtoexplore.”
“I’monehundredpercentforexploringit.”
“Imeaninapsychologicalway.”
Hegrinned.“Kinky.Ilikeit.”
That’sthemomentIshouldhavecanceledMondayandstayedinbed.IcouldhaveletNathanclimbontopofme,showhowmuchwe’vemissedeachother,andhidefromthedaytogether.
ButIwasunwiseandna?ve,thinkingMondaycouldn’troyallyfuckme.
***
“CouldIgetanothervodkaanddietcoke,please?”
Whenyou’renotallowedtocrytodealwithyourissues,alcoholisthenextbestthing.IneverthoughtI’dbeapersonwhowantedtogetdrunkalonebuthavingnoskatingpartnerforeightweekswilldothattoagirl.
Thebartenderputsanewcoasterinfrontofmeandplacesmydrinkontopofit.Mutteringaquiet“Thankyou,”Ibringthestrawtomylips,eyesshuttingtightwhenIgetamouthfulofunmixedvodka.
Eightweeks.Theworstbit?I’mnotevenworriedabouthowgoodhe’llbeineightweeks;I’mconcernedaboutmyself.I’mworriedaboutmynewaversionstoliftsandmyabilitytokeepupwithhim.Aaroncouldtakeayearout;Ican’timaginehimbeinganythingshortofspectacularwhenhegetsback.
NationalsiseightweeksfromnowandIhavenoideaifwe’llbegoodenoughtocompete,anditfuckingterrifiesme.Aaronisn’tpickingupmycallsandhedidn’tshowuptopractice,evenjusttotalk,sothat’sgreat
Natecallingtosayhe’snotallowedtoplayuntilAaroncouldskatewasthefinalstraw,andthesecondthecallended,IrequestedanUber.
ItoldBrinIwasgoingtoSimone’sforextrapractice,butwhatIdidwasgotothedivebartwoblocksawayfromSimone’s.
I’vebeenmindingmyownbusinessforaboutanhour,andI’vehadnoproblems,butthegroupofguysafewseatsawayhavebeengettinglouderandmoreobnoxious,sipbysip.
Eachtimetheygetuptogotothebathroom,theytakeaseatclosertomewhentheyreturn.Bitbybit,they’veendeduprightnexttome.
Smellingtheirdesperation,Ithrowbacktherestofmydrinkandrequestmybill.
“Lemmebuyyouadrink,darlin’,”theoneclosestslurs,leaningtowardme.“Youlooklonely.”
“No,thankyou.”I’mnottoonice,nottoorude.Likeeverywomen-blamingpropagandapiecehasevertoldmeaboutdealingwithintrusivedrunkmen.“I’mleavingnow.”
“Don’tgoyet.Thefunisjuststar—”
“Youreadytogo,baby?”IrecognizethevoicebeforeIseehim,andthereliefIfeelwhenRuss’sbabyfaceislookingbackatmewhenIlookupisoverwhelming.Bendingtograbmydufflebagfromthefloor,heslingsitoverhisshoulder,holdingoutahandtome.“I’msorryI’mlate.”
“…That’sokay…muffin,”Isay,acceptinghishand.Puttingsomebillsonthebar,Ijumpdownfrommystool,notrealizinghowdrunkIam,untilmyfeethitthefloor.
Unsurprisingly,thedrunkguysdon’tutteranotherword.Russ’ssizeisintimidating;Iimaginehe’dhavenoissuesiftheywerecausingtrouble.
Holdingopenthedoor,thecoolNovemberbreezehitsmeasIwalkunderhisarm,outintothestreet.“Well,thatwasweird.”
“Sorry,I’mRuss.Wemetafewweeksagoattheicebreakerthing.I’monthehockeyteam.”
“Iknowwhoyouare,Russ.”
Thetipsofhisearsgopink.“Thoseguysareawful.They’realwaysinthere,drinkingandharassingpeople.IheardyousayyouwereleavingandIdidn’twantthemtogiveyouanytrouble.”
“Iappreciateit,honestly,Ido.”
Thetipsofhisearsgofrompinktoredashemumbles,“You’rewelcome,”quietly.
“Ineedtorequestmyride.”
“There’sacoffeeshoprightaroundthecorner.Icanwaitwithyouifyoulike?I’dofferyouaride,butIusuallyrunhome.”
“You’rewelcometojoinme,butdon’tfeellikeyouhaveto.”
Turningthecorner,CaféKileyisquiet,withonlyafewpeopleeatinganddrinking.Wetakeaseatatoneoftheoutdoortablesandordertwocoffees.
“So,Russ.WhatmotivatedyoutospendyourMondayeveninginabaralonewhenyou’reunderageandlivemilesaway?”Iclaspmyhandstogether,leaningforwardtorestmyelbowsonthetablelikeI’minterrogatinghim.
Hescratchesthebackofhisneck,squirminginhisseat.
Theserverputsdownourcoffeeandmakeshimselfscarce;weprobablylooklikeacoupleonthevergeofabreakup,myeyesareglassy,andheseemsmegauncomfortable.
Russtakesasipofhiscoffee,prolongingthesilenceuntilhecan’ttakeitanymore.“Iworkthereintheevenings.Iworkinthekitchenorwhatever,”hesays,lookingembarrassed.
“IworkinSimone’sacoupleofblocksaway.”AsfarasIknow,theotherhockeyguysdon’thavejobs.LikeeverycollegeinAmerica,theeconomicdividerunsprettydeep.“I’mnotrichbuthaverichfriends,soIneedthecash.Theyliketoeatexpensiveshitandworkinghelpsmepaymyshare.I’msuperluckymyparentspayformyskatingstuff,buttherestIneedtoearn.”
Thetensenessinhisshouldersdissolvesastheydrop,andthereluctanceIwassensingfadesslightly.“Yeah,theguysinmyfrathavetrustfunds.Myscholarshippaysformoststuff,butworkinghelpsmepaymyshare,orwhatever.Sortalikeyousaid.”
“Igetit,”Itellhimhonestly.
“WhyareyouinabaraloneonaMonday?”
“ItakeityouknowNateisonthebench?”Henods.“Myskatepartnerwon’tpickupmycalls,andI’vehadtobanmyselffromcrying.Alcoholisthenextbestthing,right?”
“Idon’toftendrink.Afewsipsofbeernowandthen,butmyd—”Hestopshimself,immediatelyreachingforhiscoffee,usingthelongsiphetakestosilencehimself.Whenhismugisempty,helooksbackatme.“I’msorryaboutyourpartner,evenifheisadicktoyou.Whatwillyoudonow?”
“Heisn’tadicktom—”Myeyesnarrow.“Youdon’tliketalkingaboutyourself,doyou?Youdidthisattheicebreaker.YoukeptmetalkingaboutmyselfandIlearnednothingaboutyou.”
“Thereisn’tanythinginterestingaboutme,Anastasia.”Thewayhesaysitbreaksmyheart.Confidently,well-practiced.Likehe’ssaiditamilliontimes.
“Irefusetobelievethat.I’minterestedinwhatyouhavetoshare.”
“DidyourequestyourUber?”heasks,totallychangingtheconversation.
Shit.“No,Iforgot.”Helooksuncomfortableagainandwhenhiseyesflicktohisphonescreen,Iunderstandwhy.“YoutoldNathan,didn’tyou?”
“ItextedhimwhenIsawyouatthebar.I’msorry.”
“He’sonhisway,isn’the?”
“Inmydefense,Ididn’ttellhimwherewewere.HemakesususeFindMyFriends,saysit’sincasewegetintotrouble,andheneedstotrytofindus.”
“Oh,Russ.Iwasbeginningtolikeyou.Youjusthadtoratmeout.”
Hischeeksflushagainandhesinksbackintohischair.“You’relessscarythanCap.”Nathan’swhiteTeslapullsupbesideusandRussputssomebillsonthetable.“Ithink.”
IttakesalotofefforttoconvinceRusstoletNathangivehimaridehome,butoncehe’sfinallyinthecar,NathanstaysquietwhileItryhardtogetRusstoshareabouthimself.Whenwepullupoutsidethefrathousehelivesin,heawkwardlysmilesatNate.“Thanksfortheride,Cap.”
“Noproblem,”Natesayscoolly.
Leaningintothebackofthecar,IhugRuss.“Bye,muffin.I’msadourrelationshiphascometoanend.”
Helaughsnervously,eyesflicktoNatequicklythenbacktome,shakinghishead.“Bye,Stassie.”
WhenRusshasclimbedoutandI’mbackinmyseat,IrealizeNathanhasthemostconfusedface.“Muffin?Relationship?IswearifyouwearRuss’sjerseynext,I’mtransferringtoUCLA.”
“Ourlovewasshortbutmeaningful.”Isigh.“TheconnectionRussandIhavewilloutliveus,butI’mhappyithappened,insteadofbeingsadit’sover,y’know?”
“You’redrunk.”Hegrins,brushingmyhairfrommyface.“Whydidyougetdrunkonyourown,baby?”
“I’monacryingban.”
Henods,pullsawayfromthecurb,andrestshishandonmythigh.“Idon’tunderstandhowthosetwothingsarerelated,butokay.Youwannatalkaboutit?”
“Ishouldbeaskingyouthat,”Imumble,tracingtheoutlineofhishand.“Iknowyousaidyou’reokay,butareyou?”
“It’stheconsequencesofmyownactions,Anastasia.Skinnerisusingmeasanexample.It’sfine.Theteamstillplayswithoutme,I’llbebackinacoupleofmonths.Comeon,tellmewhat’shappeninginthatbigbrainofyours.”
“Aaron’savoidingme.Youcan’tplayhockey.Ican’tpracticeandI’mscaredofbeinglifted.”Ichewtheinsideofmycheek,remindingmyselfnottocry.“NobodycanfillinforAaronbecauseeveryonehascommitmentsorpartnersalready,andIju—”
“I’llbeyourpartner.”
I’mchokingonmywords,literally.HepatsmybackgentlyasIstruggletomakemylungswork.“Imeanthisinthemostrespectfulway,huh?”
ThedrivefromRuss’splacetomineisshortandNathanpullsintothedrop-offzone.Twistinginhisseattolookatme,hisfaceisserious.“IsaidI’llbeyourpartner.Ihavetoskateandworkoutanyway,I’lljustdoitwithyou.I’llbegoneforawaygames,butyoucanhavemetherestofthetime.”
Draggingmyhandthroughmyhair,Ican’thelpbutshakemyhead,immediatelythinkingofeveryreasonitwouldbeahorrendousidea.“Figureskatingisn’tlikehockey;youcan’tjustswitch.It’dneverwork,Nate.”
“It’seightweeks,Stas.ImightnotbeabletoleapaboutlikeAaron,butIcanhelpyoupracticeanddoyourlifts.”
“Youcan’tliftme.You’renottrained.”
Restinghishandonmyneck,histhumbrubstenderlyagainstmycheek.“You’llhavetoshowmewhattodo,butI’mmorethancapableofsafelyliftingyou.”Hesighsandtheweirdheart-thumpingflutterthingreturns.“I’manexcellentskaterandI’mstrong.I’mmuchstrongerthanAaron.I’dusemyselfasahumanmatbeforeI’deverletyouhittheice.”
Ignawonmylip,thinkingaboutwhathe’ssaid.“It’skindofyou,butit’dneverwork.”
“Givemeonegoodreasonwhyitwouldn’twork.”Hebringsmyhandtohismouth,kissingitgently,andgivesmetherealreason.“Justone.”
“Becauseofthat,”Irespondquietly.“Ican’tmixskatingandwhateverweare.Ilikeyou,whichpainsmegreatlytosayoutloud,butyou’vewormedyourwayinandmademeenjoyspendingtimewithyou.I’mnicetoyounow.It’satruerepresentationofhowfarI’vefallen.Adisaster,somepeoplewouldsay.”
Hechuckles,staringatmewithadorationthatstealsmybreathaway.“You’resayingalotofwords,drunkgirl,butyou’renotsayinganythingthatmakessense.”
Thatseemsfair.“Ineedtofocus,Nate.Ican’tdothatifI’minyourbedeverynight.”
“Whatabouteveryothernight?”
Irollmyeyes,smotheringthegrintryingtobetrayme.“Nathan…”
“IfyouthinkIcan’tkeepmydickinmypants,you’rewrong.Twomonthsago,Ithoughtyouwouldripitoffandfeedittome.Lookhowfarwe’vecome?”
Myeyesarewatering.Traitors.
“Youfuckinglovebossingmearound.Thinkhowgoodit’sgoingtobeteachingmetofigureskate.Pleasesayyes.”
“Idon’tthinkthisisagoodidea…”
“Butsayyesanyway.”
Blowingoutanexhausted,tension-riddledsigh,Inod.“Okay.Let’sbepartners.Yes.”TWENTY-FOUR|NATHAN
WhenIwokeupthismorning,pickingStassieandRussupfromacute,littlecoffeeshopdateseemedaboutaslikelyasmebecomingafigureskater,yethereIam.
Ittakesthirtysecondsforthepanictosetin.Thelittlelinebetweenhereyebrowsappears,likeitdoeseverytimeshe’sdeepinthought.“Icanbehardwork,Nate,”sheblurtsoutwithashakyvoice.“IknowyouthinkAaronwalksalloverme,buthedoesn’t.Sometimeswefull-onargueinthemiddleoftherink.”
Reachingtowardher,Ituckherhairbehindherear,cuppinghercheekgently.“Whyareyoutellingmeyou’rehardworklikeIdon’talreadyknow?”
Thelinedeepens,butasmalllaughslipsout.Forme,Mondaystartedgreat,wentshitty,andnowitsortofseemstobeendinggreat.Idon’tknowwheremyoffercamefrom;IthinkI’vejustreachedmylimitofseeingherupset.
I’mnotconvincedI’llbeanygood,butIwon’tdropher,andthat’swhatsheneeds.
“Youdon’tunderstandwhatyou’resigningyourselfupfor.”Shenuzzlesintomyhandandletsoutasigh.“Whatifyoucan’tstandmewhenwe’redone?”
“Anastasia,menotlikingyouineightweeksisnotaconcernyouneedtohave.Butjustknow,ifI’meverdownaguyI’llbeexpectingyoutostepuptoplayhockey.Ithinkyourhostilitywouldbeagreatadditiontotheteam.”
ImanagetocatchthearmthatflingsinmydirectionandgiveitagentletuguntilStasisclimbingovertheconsoletostraddlemylap.“Whenyougetoutofthiscar,we’repartners,andI’mnotgoingtobeabletotouchyouuntilJanuary.IfI’dknownthismorningwouldbethelasttimeIcouldkissyou,I’dhavedoneitbetter.Onelastkiss?”
“Youcan’tbeserious.”
“Ofcourse,I’mserious.Ifyouhadn’tbeendrinking,I’dbeaskingtofuckyouinthebackseat.So,akissismild.”
Rollinghereyes,sheleansin,stoppinganinchfrommylips.“Yourcharmisendless,Hawkins.”
Sinkingmyhandsintoherhair,IkissherwitheverythingI’vegot.It’saweirdmoment,whereitfeelslikeboththestartandendofsomething,andwhenherhipsrollagainstme,Idon’tknowwhethertocryorrejoice.
“I’mstillallowedtothinkaboutyouwhenIjerkoff,right?”Iaskquicklyasshemovesbacktoclimboutofthecar.“Oristhatagainsttherule?”Pleasedon’tbeagainsttherules.
Sheactuallysnorts.Likealittlepiglet.“I’mfairgameifyou’refairgame.You’remygo-to.Deal?”
Fuckmylife.Inod,unabletospeakwhilemybrainpaintsaveryinappropriateimage.
Thenexteightweeksaregoingtobehell.
BythetimeIreachhome,everyonealreadyknowswhatishappeningbecauseStassiehastextedSabrina.IcalledFaulknerfromthecar;hesaidhethinksitwillworkinmyfavorreputation-wise,andhewilldesignmearegimetostayfit.Figureskatingwillhelpcontributetomyicetime,soIthinkhemightbepleasedwithmyplan.Onlythink,notknow,becausethenhecalledmethemostbizarrekidhe’severhadtotolerateandtoldmetoenjoywearingleggings.
Brinhasalltheguysaroundthetableintheden,foldingpamphletsforthetheatersociety’srenditionofHamilton.Itmakesiteasiertotelleveryonethewholestorysimultaneouslybutmakesthelaughteratmyexpensetentimeslouder.
“Sinceyou’resogoodathelpingotherpeoplewiththeirstuff,takeaseat.”ShehandsmeahugepileofpaperstofoldandpointstothechairbesideMattie.“Can’twaittoseeyourassintights,Hawkins.”
“I’mmoreworriedabouthimgettingaboner,”Henryadds,concentratingongettinghispamphletedgesstraight.“He’slikeahornylittledogaroundStassie.”
“Gee,thanks.Nah,therewillbenofunnybusiness.Shewantstomakesureshe’snotdistracted.Justfriends.”
Thelaughingstartsagain;Iimaginethere’sgoingtobealotoflaughingatmyexpenseforthenexttwomonths.
***
ThefirstdiscoveryofthislittlefigureskatingexperienceisthatmyTuesdayclassschedulealignswithAnastasia’sandwebothfinishattwop.m.We’rebothsupposedtobestudying,butwe’vejustarrivedatMapleHillsMall.
Youknowinamoviewhenthere’saredbutton,butnobodyisallowedtotouchit,andyouscreamattheTVwhensomeoneinevitablydoes?Anastasiaismyredbutton.IknowIshouldn’ttouchher,butIwantto,andshe’llscreamatmeifIdo.
Shelookssoprettyrightnow,passionatelyexplainingtheimportanceofskatingintherightoutfit.“Stopstaringatmylipsandpayattention,”shedrawls.
“Iampayingattention.Istilldon’tseewhyIcan’twearsweatpants.”
“Youjustcan’t,okay?We’rebuyingleggings.”
Sopretty.“Yes,Ma’am.”
Thefirststoredoesn’thaveanythingformen,theseconddoesn’thaveanythingthatgoesovermythighs,butthethirdisperfect.
“Whataboutthese?”sheasks,holdingupapairinmysize.
“They’releopardprint,Anastasia.”
“Icanseethat.Whataboutthem?”
Quirkingmyeyebrow,Ileanagainsttherack.“Imean,isthembeingleopardprintnotenoughofananswer?Whydon’tweruleoutallanimalprinttosavetime.”
Asshe’sabouttoargue,we’reinterruptedbymyringingphone.
Dad.Reject.
Puttingmyphonebackinmypocket,sheholdsupanotherpairwhenIlookather.“Sothat’sanotothezebraprint?”
“Correct.”
“Areyouabsolutelysure?Thesewillmakeyourthighslookgreat.”
“Ifyouwanttoseemythighs,I’llskateinmyCalvin’s.Problemsolved.Food?”Shedoesn’tevenbotherresponding.“I’lltakethatasanothen.”
Searchingthroughaseaofblack,non–animalprintoptions,Ifindahandfulinmysize.She’sallgrumblesandscowlsasIpayformy“boring”outfits,andweexitthestore.
Ireachforherhand,immediatelystoppingmyselfandstylingitintoastretch.Walkinginsilencetowardthefoodcourt,Icanseesomethingbotheringherbytheunsettledlookonherface.JustasI’mabouttoaskher,myphoneringsagain.
Dad.Reject.
Wegrabatableawayfromotherpeople,whereit’squieter,andshestillhasthesamelook.
“What’sonyourmind,grumpy?”
“TheNHL.”
Unexpected.“I’mallfordiversityinsport,Stas,butIthinkyou’reabitsmalltobeahockeyplayer,”Itease.“WhyareyouthinkingabouttheNHL?”
“I’mjustthinkingabouthowpeacefulmysenioryearwillbe,sinceyou’regoingtoCanadatofightmooseorwhatever.”Sheshrugsandforcesasmile.“It’ssilly;forgetit.”
“I’mimpressedyouthinkIcanfightamoose,butI’mnotsuretheytendtofrequentdowntownVancouver.”Ilaugh.“I’mnotsureyouknowthis,butthereareflightstoVancouverfromLA.Ifyoueverwantedtodisturbyourpeacealittleandvisit.”
She’sabouttoanswerandmyfuckingphonestartsringingagain.Dadagain.Irejectit,again.Shedragsahandthroughherhairandsighs.“Youcanansweryourphoneinfrontofme.”
“Iknow.”
“I’mnotgoingtofreakoutifyouhaveaconversationwithanothergirl.”Sheputsherelbowsonthetableandrestsherheadagainstherhands.“Justbecauseyoucan’tfuckmedoesn’tmeanyoucan’tfuckanyone.”
Rollingmyeyes,Ipushmyphoneacrossthetable.“Three-Nine-Nine-Three.”
Immediatelyshakingherhead,shetriestopushthephonebacktome.“Nathan,Idon’tne—”
Itypethenumbersmyself,sincesheapparentlywantstorespectmyprivacy.Iwatchherfightherselfbeforehereyesfinallylookatmyphonescreen,andsheseesthewordDadlitteringmycalllogoverandover.“It’scomplicated.”
“Oh,okay,well,uh,”shesplutters.“Idomeanit,bytheway.Like,Idon’texpectyoutobecelibatefortwomonths.”
Snorting,Iwatchhereyeswiden,uncertain.“We’regoingtobespendingsomuchtimetogether,Anastasia.I’mabouttocockblockyouateveryavailableopportunity.Youcandowhatyouwant,obviously.Butgoodlucktryingtofucksomeonethat’snotme.”
Hereyesbrighten,heatflushinghercheeksinstantly.“Isthatsupposedtobeendearing?Feelsalittlepossessiveandtoxic.”
Thecornerofmymouthtugsup,lovingthatthisismydaynow.“Don’tgivemethatshit.I’veseenwhatyouhaveonyoursmuttybookshelf.”Hermouthfallsopen.“Now,whatdoyouwanttoeat?”
“I’mgood.I’lleatwhenIgethome,butyougetwhatever.”
“Yougotsomethingagainsteatingout?”
“No,butIneedtosticktomydiet.”
“Diet?”It’scleartoanyonewhospendstimewithAnastasiathatshehasacomplicatedrelationshipwithfood.Iswearhalfthetimeherbadmoodsarebecauseshe’shungry.
“AaronandIhaveafoodplan.Idothefoodprepandstuffthroughtheweek;wehavetobeorganizedwithit.”
“It’scoolyou’resodisciplined,”Isaycarefully.“Nutritionispartofmycourse,soIdoalotonthiskindastuff.I’dlovetolookatyourfoodplanifyou’recoolwiththat?”
Reachingintoherbag,shepullsoutmyenemy:herplanner.Sheflicksthroughthepagesuntilshefindsapieceofpaper,handingittome.“Knockyourselfout.”
Ohfuck.Vegetables.Vegetables.Asmallamountofprotein.Vegetables.Igetmyphoneandbringupthecalculator,roughlyworkingoutthenumbers.“Whodesignedthismealplan?”
“Aaron.”
Theanswer’sanunsurprisingyetstilldisappointingone.Foronce,I’mspeechless.MyfeelingsaboutAaronCarlisleareunderstandablynotgreatandIfeellikeI’veearnedthat.Butthisisfuckingweird.Heeitherhasnoideawhathe’sdoingwhenitcomestonutritionordoesthisonpurpose.“Anastasia,youaremassivelyundereating.You’renoteatingenough,notevenclose.”
I’mtryingnottoseemlikeI’mtellingherofforbelittlingher;thisisn’therfault.Shetakesthepaperback,runninghereyesacrossthepage.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Yourbodyburnscaloriesjustbyyoubeingalive.Soyouneedtofuelyourbodytolive.Someonewhoburnsasmanycaloriesasyoudo,throughskatingandstrengthtraining,needstoeatevenmoretomakesureyourmusclesrecover.”
“I’mfine.”
“Noteatingenoughmakesyoumorepronetoinjuryandserioushealthproblems.Haveyoualwaysbruisedasbadlyasyoudonow?”
Hermindmustbegoingamileaminute.She’sfrozenonthespot,clearlytryingtotakeinwhatI’msaying.“Maybe?Idon’tknow.”
Inoticedawhileagoshe’salwayscoveredinbruises.Iputitdowntofallsandstuff,butnowI’veseenthemclose,Iknowhowbadtheyare.
“Bruisingbadlycanbeasignofnutrientdeficiency.Areyoutiredalot?Anxious?Irritablefornoreason?Changestoyourmenstrualcycle?”
“JesusChrist,Nate.”Shefumes,lookingaroundustomakesurenooneislistening.Shelowershervoice.“I’mtired,anxious,andirritablebecauseIworkhard.Surelyyouknowbetterthananyonethatitcomeswiththejob.”
“Stas…”
“Andasfarasmymenstrualcycleisconcerned,whichisnoneofyourfuckingbusiness,I’monbirthcontrolthatfullystopsit.Ihaven’thadoneinyears.”
Shefoldsherarmsacrossherchestandsitsbackinherseat.Defiance,annoyance,asliverofuncertainty.Itisn’tmyintentiontoupsether,butI’malsonotgoingtolethereatlikethis.
“Therearehardlyanycarbsinthisplan.”
“So?”
“Youneedcarbs,Stassie.I’mnotaskingyoutofillyourselfonjunkfood,butyouneedtoeatmorecalories,baby.Icanwriteyouanewplan;we’llgivethembothtoBradyandseewhichsheprefers.”
“Fine.”Sheshrugs.“Whatever.”
“DidRyanlookatyourmealplan?”
Hereyebrowsfurrowtogether.“What,no?Why?”
Thinkingbacktothevideocallamonthago,I’vebeenmeaningtobringupwhatRyansaidbuthaven’thadachanceaftereverythingthat’shappened.“RyansaidoncethatAaronwastryingtocontrolwhatyouate.”
Sherollshereyes.“IgnoreRyan.He’dmakemeeatKFCeverynight,whichisnotrealistic.Idon’thavehissuperhumanmetabolism.Aaronsayshestrugglestoliftmesometimes,itmakesRyancranky.”
Whatthefuck.“Hesaidhestrugglestoliftyou?”
“IfIdon’tsticktotheplan,yeah.Sometimesmyweightfluctuatesalittle.”
Draggingmyhanddownmyface,Isuppresstheangerbrewing.Thearenasharingsituationdoesn’tmeanonlytherink,italsomeansthegym.I’veseenAaroncomfortablylifttwiceAnastasia’sweight.Hemightnotbeabigguy,butheisstrong.“He’sfuckingunhinged,Stas.”
“You’rebeingdramatic.”
“Idon’twanttoargueaboutthisbecauseit’snotyourfault.ButtheguyiscontrollingyouandshowingthistoBradywillproveit.”
Shehuffs,rubbinghertempleswithhereyesclosed.“You’regivingmeaheadache.”
“It’sbecauseIcare.”
“Canyoucareinawaythatisn’tgoingtocausemetonsofproblems?”
“We’llsortittogether,Ipromise.”
Reachingacrossthetable,herhandlandsontopofmine,andshesqueezesit.“I’mgoingtogetussomefood.I’llbeback.”
Itrynottofocusonthecrackinhervoicewhenshesaysit.TWENTY-FIVE|ANASTASIA
“What’stakingsolong?”
Icanhearhimstompingaroundontheothersideofthelockerroomdoor,buthehasn’tmaterializedyet.It’sourfirstsession,andwe’regoingtobegettingontheicelate,whichdoesn’tbodewellforthenexttwomonths,orforNathanretaininghislife.
“Nathan!”Iyell,bangingonthedoor.
“Ican’tcomeout.”
I’mscowlingatthedoor,knowingIlookridiculous,butIcan’tscowlathimsincehewon’tcomeout.“Why?”
“Theleggings.They’retootight.Youcanseeeverything.”
“Ifyoudon’tcomeout,I’mcomingin!”
Hisheadpopsout,bodyshieldedbythedoor.“I’mbeingserious.They’re,uh…Youcanseeeverything.”
“Yes,weallgetit.You’vegotabigdick.Blahblahblah,egofed?We’relate.Comeon,let’sgetstarted.”BradyapproachesasNatepullsbackthedoor,wearingwhatarequitepossiblythemostrevealingleggingsI’veeverseen.Theylooklikethey’vebeenpaintedon,andyoucanseeoutlines.Very,verydetailedoutlines.“OhmyGod.”
Bradysurveyshimheadtotoe,thenoncemoreforgoodmeasure.Herhandlandsonherhipsandsheshakesherhead.“I’msorry,Mr.Hawkins,butIcannotletyouwearthose.”Natelookslikearabbitinheadlights,hidingbehindthedooragain.“Doyouhaveanythingelsewithyou?”
“IhaveshortsinmylockerIcouldputonoverthetop?”
“Ithinkthatwouldbeawisechoice.”NatedisappearsbackintothelockerroomandIfeelCoachhoveringbehindme.Turningtofaceher,sheshakesherhead.“It’saslipperyslope,Anastasia.”
“Don’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”Lie.Biglie.Hugelie.“ShouldIgetwarmedup?”
“Useprotection.AskPrishi.Yourbladderisneverthesame.”
“Wearen’td—”
Sheinterruptsmewithaflippantwaveofherhand.“We’rebothadults.Don’tinsultmyintelligence;Iseehowthatmanlooksatyou.Iwanttoseemybestskateronapodium,notabirthingball.Clear?”
“Couldn’tbeclearer,Coach.”
Whatshedidn’tconsiderwithherlittlespeechistheprobabilityofherbestskaterdyingofembarrassment.
AndwhydoessheonlycallmeherbestskaterwhenIdon’thavewitnesses?
Finallyemergingfromthelockerroom,Natelightlynudgesmeintheribs.“Youreadytodothis,Allen?”
“Nope,don’tcrashintome.”
“Nocrashingintoyou,nobirthingballs…Somanyrules,Anastasia.”
MyeyeswidenasIlookuptomeethis,hissmuggrinsmilingdownatme.Hishappinessisacomfortandit’sproofheisn’tfeelingnervouslikeIam.Proofthathedoesn’trealizethatifthislittleexperimentfails,Imightfinallybreak.
I’mlostinmythoughtswhenfingersweavethroughmine.“It’sgoingtobeokay,”hewhispersasweapproachthewarm-uparea.“Itmightevenbefun.”
Itutloudly.“Ifit’sfun,you’renotworkinghardenough.”
Helaughs,earningahissfromBrady.“Spokenlikeatruetyrant.”
Afterwarmingup,it’sfinallytimetofindoutifthiswasahorribleidea.
“Ifthisisgoingtowork,Ineedyoutoremembertheroutine,Nathan.”Coachtightensherfauxfur,wrappingherarmsaroundherselftightly.ItneveroccurredtomethatitmightnotbemethatNatecan’tcopewith.“I’mnotsurewhatshenanigansCoachFaulknerletsyougetawaywith,butyoudowhatItellyouinmyarena.”
Henods,hissmuggrinfromearlierisadistantmemory.“Gotit.”
“Bothofyougivemealap.”SheconcentratesonNate.“Concentrateonbeinggraceful,notfast,butkeepupwithStassie.”
“Graceful.Slow.Gotit…Ow!Whydoyoualwayspinchme?”Hegroans,rubbinghisstomach.
“Iamnotslow!I’vealreadyprovenI’mfasterthanyouareonce.DoIneedtodoitagain?”
Nate’smouthopens,butbeforehecanfireback,Bradyclapsherhands.“WhatpartofgracefulmadeyoutwothinkIwanttowatcharace?DoasIask,now!”
Settingoff,Natemanagestokeeppace.Whenwe’refarenoughawaytofeelsafe,hemovescloser.“What’swiththeclapping?”
It’sfunhavingotherpeopleexperienceBrady’santicsforthefirsttime.Afterovertwoyearsofworkingwithher,Idon’tevennoticeanymore.“Iliketoimagineshewasadogtrainerinapastlife.”
Wemakeitbacktowherewestarted,andIrecognizeCoach’sdistasteimmediately.It’sveryeasytorecognizesomethingyouseesixdaysaweek.PoorNatelookspleasedwithhimself,andtohiscredit,hedidmatchmypace.
“Howwasthat?”Hegrins.
Shekissesherteeth.“Likeadrunkdeer,misguidedlysteppingontoafrozenlake.”
“DotheyhavealotofdrunkdeerinMontana,Coach?”Iask,rememberingtosayMontanaandnotRussiaatthelastsecond.
“Donotsassme,Anastasia.Thepairofyoudoitagain.Gracefully.”I’vedonemorelapsthanleapsbeforeBradyisfinallysatisfiedwithNate’sversionofgraceful.“Muchbetter,Nathan.You’renotplayinghockeynow.Nobodyisgoingtoattackyouontheice.”
“Respectfully,Coach.”Hiseyesflicktomequickly.“Idon’tthinkyoucanpromisemethat.”
Oncewegetintotheswingofthings,I’mthoroughlyenjoyingmytrainingsessionforthefirsttimeinforever,andIthinkBradymightbetoo.
Movingtothecenteroftheice,ImovetoNate’ssidetointroducethesimplerjumps.Hedoesn’tneedtodoanythingcomplextohelpmebutensuringhe’sintherightspotandfacingtherightdirectionisessentialwhenIdotherealtechnicalpart.
Morethananything,IneedhimtorecognizethenamesofthingssoheknowswhatI’mdoing,anddoesn’taccidentallygetinmyway.
“I’mgoingtomakeiteasyforyou.Justpayattentiontomyfeet.”
“Stassie,”hedrawls.“I’mprettysureIskatedbeforeIwalked.Youdon’tneedtomakeiteasyforme.Iprobablyknowfarmorethanyouexpectmeto.”
Arrogance.Myfavoritethingtodealwith.
“Okay,brainiac.Whatedgedoyoutakeofffromwhenyou’redoingaLutz?”Hemovesinfrontofme,andIcanseeonhisfacethathehasn’tgotaclue.“Jokesonyou,you’veprovedyouneedtoshutupandlistentome.”
“Jokesonyou.”Hescoffs.“Idon’tevenknowwhataLutzis.”
“YouarethemostannoyingmanI’veevermet.”
“Idon’tcarewhatyoucallmeaslongasI’mtopofthelist.”
HowthehellamIsupposedtogetthroughthissixdaysaweek?
Evenwhenhe’sannoying,Istillwanttojumphisbones.Thelong-sleevedT-shirtweboughtearlierisclingingtoeverymuscle,hischeeksareflushed,andeverytimehelooksatme,andthecornerofhismouthtugsup,Iforgeteverythought.
I’vebeentotallyandutterlyunhingedbyaman.I’mdisgustedwithmyself,forbeingdistracted,forknowinglylettingeveryslitheroffeminismshrivelupanddieoverdimplesandthickthighs.
“Whydoyoulooklikeyou’rehavingacrisis?”
BecauseIam?“Payattention.I’mnotexplainingthisagain.”
“Hey,I’mnottheonedaydreaming.”
“Therearesixtypesofjumpsinfigureskating:toeloop,flip,Lutz,Salchow,loop,andAxel.Theyfallundertwocategories,whicharetoejumpsandedgejumps.Canyouguesswhattoejumpsare?”
“Isitjumpsthatusethisuselessfuckingpickthing?”
TheonlythingNate’sbeenunhappyaboutishisnewskates.Unlikehishockeyskates,theskatesweusehavetoepicks.WedidaquickpracticeskateatSimone’safterwefinishedatthemall,andIlosttrackofhowmanytimeshewentflying.Nottomentionthatbreakinginnewskatescanfuckingsuck.
“Itisn’tuseless;you’regoingtoneedit.Butyeah,youtakeoffbyhittingtheicewiththe‘uselessfuckingpickthing.’Edgejumpstakeofffromtheinnerorouteredge.Simple,right?”
Hegruntssomethingthatroughlyresemblesyes,closelywatchingmyfeetasIturn,stretchingmyleftlegbackandstrikingthepickagainsttheice.“Singletoeloop.”
Replicatingmymovementsand,tohiscredit,gettingitreasonablyaccurate,withtheexceptionofhiswobblylanding,wemoveon.
“Whatmovewereyoudoingwhenyoubowlingballedacoupleofweeksago?”heasks,standingandbrushingtheicefromhisass.
“IwastryingtodoaquadrupleLutz.”Tryingbeingtheoperativeword.“Lutzisatoejump.”
“Itlookedhard.”
“Itishard.”
“Isenseyoudon’twanttotalkaboutthis.”
“There’snothingtosay.”Isigh.“BradymadeustakeitoutafterIhitmyhead.It’snotcommoninwomen’sfigureskatingandvirtuallyunheardofinpairs.Shefeltitwasanunnecessaryrisk.”
“Sowhydoit?”Heisn’tbeingrude;Ithinkhe’sgenuinelyinterested.“I’monlytryingtounderstandyourmentality,Stas.Notmakeyoufeelbad.”
Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit.Itfeelslikeatopicfortherapy,notpartofanimpromptuchatinthemiddleofatrainingsession.ButIowehimhonesty.
“Iwastedyearsskatingwithsomeonewhocouldn’tmatchmyskillbecausehewasmyboyfriend.”Classic.“Don’tgetmewrong,wewereverygood,wejustweren’tgreat.Withadifferentpartner,Imighthaveachievedmore.Idon’twanttobethatforAaron.”
“AndAaroncandoit,right?”
“Ofcourse,hecan.”Isnort.“He’sspenthoursandhourstryingtohelpmenailit,eventhoughheneverthoughtI’dbeableto.There’sareasonit’snotcommon,butI’mstubborn.I’llkeeptrying,butit’snotgoingtobethisseason.”
“Ilikehowdeterminedyouare,”hesayssoftly.
“Ifyoutwowanttolooklovinglyateachother,doitonyourowntime!”Coachshoutsacrosstherink,remindingusbothwe’resupposedtobeskating,notsharing.
Hesighsheavily,puttinghishandsonhiships.“Shescarestheshitoutofme.What’swiththecoat?Doessheknowwe’reinCalifornia?”
“HeraestheticisCruelladeVil.You’llgetusedtoit.”
***
Nathangroansandwincesloudlyasweclimbintohiscar.
“You’resodramatic.”Ilaugh,throwingmybagatmyfeet.“Itwasn’tthatbad.”
“I’mnotbuiltforballetandyoga,Stas,”hemumbles,puttingthecarintoreverse.“Mylegsareonfire.”
“You’renotbendyatall,areyou?Itwaslikewatchingatreetrunk.”
Lookingoverfromthedriver’sseat,hiseyebrowquirks.“Idon’tneedtobebendybecauseyou’rebendy,whichmakesusperfectlymatched.”
“Youdidgood,Nathan.Seriously,I’mgrateful.Thankyou.”
“Ispenthalfthetimeonmykneesorface-planting.I’veneverconcentratedashardasIdiddoingthosefuckinglaps.IwasterrifiedIwasgoingtotrip.AreyousureIcan’twearmyownskates?”
“Ipromiseyou’llgetusedtothem.”
“Oryou’llgetusedtoseeingmeonmyknees.”Hefrowns.“Notlikethat.Orlikethat,ifyouwant.Thatwayismypreference.”
“Aday.”Ihuff.“Youlastedaday.”
Natekeepsmelaughingallthewaybacktomyapartment,mainlyathisexpense,butitstillcounts.Climbingoutofthecarandgrabbingmybag,Ileanin.“Seeyouinthemorning.”
“Bringcoffee!”heyellsasIclosethedoor.
I’vesecretlybeendreadingcominghome,andnowthatI’mwatchingtheelevatornumbersrise,IwishIwereanywherebuthere.Ihaven’ttoldNathan,butAaronhasbeenignoringmesinceItoldhimaboutmynewskatingarrangementwhenIgothomelastnight.
Ifthatwasn’tenough,whatNathansaidaboutmymealplanhasbeenplayingonmymindsincethisafternoon.Blamewhereit’sdue,I’venevershownanyinterestinlearningaboutnutrition.WhenIlivedathome,mymomdealtwithit,andatcollege,IletAarondealwithitandtrustedheknewwhathewasdoing.
IknowSabrinaisatrehearsals,whichmeansAaronshouldbealone,hopefullygivingmetheperfectopportunitytotalktohim.Emphasisonthehopefully
Lettingmyselfintotheapartment,Iimmediatelyspothimonthelivingroomcouch,watchingamovie.
“Hey.”Heturnshishead,lookingatme,butdoesn’trespond.IswallowthelumpformingandwipemysweatingpalmsagainstmystomachasIapproachhim.“Canwetalk?”
Again,hedoesn’trespond,buthepauseshismovieandlooksatmewhenIsitonthecouch,droppingmygymbagatmyfeet.
“Uh,Iwasjustwondering…Doyouthinkmymealplanhasenoughcalories?Andis,like,Idunno,variedenoughandstuffformetobehealthy?”
“Whythefuckareyouaskingmethat?”hesnaps.
Takingadeepbreath,Ishrug.“Itjustcameuptoday,anditwassortasuggestedthatI’mundereating.Iwantedtorunitbyyou,sowecou—”
“Suggestedbywho?Hawkins?”ThewayhesaysNathan’snameisborderlinepoisonous.“YousuckhisdickacoupleoftimesandsuddenlyheknowswhatyouneedbetterthanIdo?”
Hiswordsknockthewindoutofme.IsplutterandchokeonwhatIwanttosay,surprised.AstoundedisabetterwordforwhatI’mfeelingrightnow.Asthatfeelingdissipates,thehurtsetsin.
“What?No?Whyareyoubeingsomean?Ionlywantedtocheckwithyou,sowecou—”
Interruptingmeagain,hestandsfromthecouch,draggingahanddownhisface.“Youknowwhat,Anastasia?Fuckoff.IfNateHawkinsissofuckingsmart,gorelyonhimforeverything.”Hishandsareshaking,eyesburningintome.“Butwhenhegetsboredofyou,don’tcomecryingtomebecauseyou’retheonewhodropsyourpantiesforanyoneinajersey!”
Myheartbangsinmychestashestormstowardhisroom,slammingthedoorsoharshlyit’slikethewholebuildingshakes.Sinkingtothecouch,Ireachintomybag,pullingoutmyphone.
“Missmealready?”Helaughswhenthecallconnects.
Wipingthetearsawaywiththebackofmyhand,Iclearmythroat.“Canyoupickmeup?”TWENTY-SIX|NATHAN
“Pinchofsaffron.No,apinch.Apinch,Robbie!Thatisn’tapinch!”Anastasiatakesadeepbreath,forcingasmileasshefishesoutthemountainofsaffronRobbiejustadded.
“Mybad,”hemumbles,takingarealpinchthistime.
“It’sokay.Sorryforshouting.”
StassieisteachingRobhowtomaketajinezitoune,whichisSabrina’sfavoritemeal.IbetStastenbucksshe’dlosehercoolwithhimbeforethefoodwascooked.It’sachickendishwitholivesandvegetables,whichStasclaimedwouldbeeasyforhimtomake,butIthinkhe’ssweatingfromthestress,andeverytimeshe’sabouttosaysomething,hereyesflicktomefirst,andshesaysitcalmly.
Brinfeelsabithomesickknowingshe’snotgoingbacktoNewYorkforwinterbreak.Herfamilydoesn’tcelebrateChristmas,soherparentsaretravelingtoAlgeriatovisitfamily,andshedoesn’twanttostaywithoneofherbrothers.
Robbiewassupposedtobetravelinghomewithme,butafterspeakingtohisparentslastnight,they’regoingtocomehere.Reece,Robbie’solderbrother,isabodyguardandiscurrentlydeployedoverseas,sohewon’tbehomeanyway,andthey’relookingforwardtoawarmChristmas.
Hehasn’ttoldSabrinayet,whichmightbewhyhe’ssuddenlymotivatedtomakeherfavoritemeal.
“You’vegottoletitallgettoknoweachotherinthetajine,”Stassieexplainssemi-patiently.“Butyoucan’tletitburnbecauseIdidthatwhenshetaughtme,andshegotsupermad.”
“Noburning.Friendsinthepot.Gotit.”
Walkingaroundthecounter,StassieslidesintotheseatbesidewhereI’mworking,reachesforhertextbook,andresumesstudying.
Weirdly—nowI’mforcedtobowtotheplanner—I’montopofallmyschoolworkforthefirsttimesinceIstartedatMapleHills.Wetraintogether,brushourteethsidebyside,andcookthesamemeals.Ihavenocluewhatweare,butIlikeit.We’vetakenplayinghousetothenextlevel.
Shedoesn’tsayanythingaboutmytenbucksasshesitsnexttome,concentratingonherwork;shejustletsherleggentlyrestagainstmine.
ThisiswhereI’matrightnow—gratefulforlegtouching.Havingherhereallthetimebutnotbeingabletotouchherhasbeendifficult,continuestobedifficult,andwilllikelyonlyincreaseinfuckingdifficulty.
It’sbeentwoweekssinceAaronreactedinthemostAaronwaypossiblebyswearingatherandinsinuatingshe’saslut.ShewasawreckwhenIpickedherupthatday,sobbingasshestoodoutsideherbuildingclutchinganovernightbag.
Promisingitwouldonlybeonenight,webuiltapillowbarricadetorespectouragreementnottooverstepourfriendship.ThatwastwoweeksagoandI’mstillsleepingontheothersideofthepillowbarricade.Onthebrightside,we’regettingtoknoweachotherproperly.Whenwe’relyingoneithersideofourbarricadeatnight,wetalkaboutanythingandeverythinguntiloneofusfallsasleepfirst.It’salwaysher;I’llnevergettiredofhearinghertalkaboutherself.
Inaweird,twistedway,I’mglad.Ifthingsweredifferent,I’dhavespentthepasttwoweeksburiedinsideherinsteadofgettingtolearnwhatmakeshertick.We’dhaveachievednothing.Imighthaveevendroppedoutofcollegetostayhomeandfindoutexactlyhowmanywaystherearetomakeherscreammyname…
ButIcan’tthinkaboutitbecausewe’refriendsnow,andtheonlytimeshescreamsmynamethesedaysisontheice.
“Stassie?”Robbiecalls.“Ithinkthey’rebuddiesnow.WhatdoIdo?”
Hoppingoffherstool,herfingerstrailacrossthebottomofmybackasshewalkspast,sendingajoltupmyspine.Shelooksatthedish,noddingproudly.“Looksgood.Takeitofftheheat,andwe’llgettheotherstuffoutwhenshe’shere.Nailedit.”
“Whatarewehaving,chef?”Iaskherplayfully,closingovermytextbook,officiallybored.
Mycalculationswerecorrect,andshewasundereatingbyfollowingAaron’splan.It’soneoftheonlytimesinmylifeI’vehatedbeingright.BradyapprovedtheplanIdesigned,perplexedwhyAnastasiawouldevereatsolittleinthefirstplace.Stasdidn’twanttodragAaronintoit,pointingoutthatshe’sstillgoingtohavetoskatewithhim,andrattinghimouttohercoachwouldonlymakeherlifedifficultinthefuture.
AnastasiaandSabrinadon’tbelieveAaronwouldbesomesseduptodoitonpurpose,arguinghe’sjusttoostubborntoadmitwhenhedoesn’tknowwhathe’sdoing,butthat’sanargumentforadifferentday.
PartofthechangestoStassie’seatingplanisgivinghermoreexcitingfoodtoeatthansaladandchicken.We’vealltakenturnsteachingherdifferentdishes,orshefindssomethingonlineshelikesthelookof,andIadaptittomeethermacros.Idon’tthinkeitherofusanticipatedthefearshe’sdevelopedthroughthisdisorderedwayofeating.
Shecanrationalizehavingwhatshecallsacheatmealtoacertainextent,butunderstandably,changing99percentofwhatsheeatshasbeenhighlyoverwhelmingforhertoprocess.Itriedtoplanthingsslowly,butshesaidshedoesn’thavetimeforslow,andshe’lljustgetonwithit.IknowwarningsignswhenIhearthem,butshe’spromisedtotalktohertherapistaboutit,sothereisn’tmoreIcansay.
It’snotthatshedoesn’tlikethefoodshe’seating,shehasthisunwaveringfearofgainingweightandbeingtooheavytoliftornotfittingintoherskatingoutfits.It’sscary—practicallyconditioning—makingmequestionhowmanytimesshe’sheardit.
“JJwantstoteachmehowtomakeanauthenticIndiancurry.IaccidentallytoldhimI’venevermadeonethatdidn’toriginatefromajar,andhesaidsomethingaboutoffendinghisancestors.”Shetakesherphonefromherpocket,andIknowshe’scheckinghercalorieappwithoutevenlooking.Shelooksupatmeforreassurance.“Wecanmakeitwork,right?”
“TraditionalIndianfoodisgoodforyou.It’sbasicallyvegetables,spices,meat,lentils,orwhateveryou’reputtingin.Nutritionally,it’sverywell-rounded,”Iexplain,emphasizingthenutritionalbenefitsfirst.“It’sthewesternizedconvenienceversionthat’spumpedfullofcrap.Somewherealongtheline,thewholecuisinehasbeendemonized.Wecandefinitelymakeitwork.”
“Okay,heshouldbehomefromthegymsoon.”Shetucksherphoneawayandholdsoutherhandtome.“Let’sstretchyouout,mylittlefigureskater.”
Igroan,puttingmyhandinhersandlettingherdragmetothelivingroom
It’sbeentwoweeksofsorethighs,toepicks,andfuckingballet.Twoweeksofherprovingshe’sabetterskaterthanIam.TwoweeksofBradystaringatmelikeshe’sstaringintomysoulandlearningallmysecrets.Everythingfuckingaches:myass,mythighs,mycalves.Imightbestrong,butI’velearnedIamnotsupple.
Lyingdownonthefloor,Iraisebothofmylegs.Usingtheweightofherbody,sheholdsmylegsagainstherselfandleansforward,stretchingmyhamstrings.
MemoaningwithmylegsintheairisalwaystheperfecttimeforJJandHenrytogethome.It’shardtojudgetheirexpressionsfrommypositiononthefloor,butIhearJJlaughingtohimself.“Menext,Stassie.”
Henrystandsbesideus,headtiltedasheassesseswhatwe’redoing.“Doesitfeelweirdtobeonthissideofthebodybending,Anastasia?”
Shepressesdownabitmore,makingmyhamstringsscream.Iloveitandhateitinequalmeasure,butthediscomfortmeansIdon’tregisterwhatHenrysaysuntilsheanswershim.“Youknowwhat,Hen.Itdoesfeelweird,yeah.”
Asmuchastheirshitisusuallyatmyexpense,I’mgladtheguyskeepStasdistractedenoughtonotobsessoverAaron.He’sbeenblowingupherphonewithapologyafterapology.Itwasamomentofanger,hesaid,hedidn’tmeantoshoutather.Butshe’shurt,andshe’squestioningherjudgment.
Friendshipsareimportant,butsoislivinginahealthyenvironment,Ioverheardhersaytoherselfwhensherejectedhistenthcall.Everyonehasprogresstomake.
Itellhereverydayshecanstayaslongasshewantsto.Selfishly,Ilovehavingheraroundallthetime,andsodotheguys.They’reasonboardwithherstayingasIamandtoldmetostopbeingadipshitwhenIofferedtobookthetwoofusintoahotel.Theydon’twanthergoingbacktoAaronanymorethanIdo.
SabrinaisSwitzerlandinallofthis.Naturally,shewasreadytoincinerateAaron,butAnastasiaaskedhernottogetinvolvedandlivewhereshefeltcomfortable.RobbieimmediatelytriedtotellSabrinasheshouldstaywithusawayfromAaron,butshehithimwiththemostpatronizing“AwwHabibi”I’veeverheard.
Shetoldhimtherewasanerrorwithhismembership,andtryingtotellherwhattodowashusbandtier.Ifhewantedtoupgradefromtheboyfriendtiertothehusbandtier,heneededtoprovideagiganticdiamond.Robbieimmediatelypointedoutshewouldn’tlistentohimiftheyweremarried.TowhichBrinsmiledsmuglyandpointedoutshesaidtryingandnotthatshe’dactuallydoasheasked.
DespiteRobbie’sboyfriend-tierstatus,Brinishereallthetimeanyway,whichIthinkmakeslivingwithfourmeneasierforAnastasia.Notthatshelikespeopletoseeit,butSabrinadoeshaveasoftside,andhowmuchshelovesStassieandRobbieisdefinitelyatthecenterofit.
AfterBringetshomeandinhalesthefoodRobbiemadeforher,sheandAnastasiaclaimthatbeingsurroundedbysomuchtestosteroneisrottingtheirbrains,soIdropthembothoffatthemoviesforsomegirltime.
Nottomakethingsuncomfortablewiththeplannerslander,butStassiehasbeenfillinghertimewithunnecessarystuff.Livingherehasbeenacultureshockforherbecausenothinggetsdonewhenit’ssupposedto.
Icanseehowuncomfortableitmakesherwhenshefeelsbehind,soIdomybesttosticktohertimelinewhilestillremindingherthatsometimestakingachangeofplanisgood—likeanimpromptutriptowatchsomeromancemovie.
Pullingintothedrivewaybackhomeafterdroppingthemoff,InoticeacarIdon’trecognizeparkedinmyspot.Myphoneringsasmykeystwistinthedoor,andwhenitswingsopen,Idon’tneedtoaskwhoiscallingmeorwhy.
“Nathaniel,”mydadsayscurtly.“It’snicetoconfirmyou’realive.”
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Iblurtout.
“YoumeaninthehousethatIpaidfor,wheremyonlysonlives?OrinCalifornia?”
Thesuperiorityinhistonehasbilerisinginmythroat.Itrulydon’tknowhowSashaandIhavebeenraisedbysomeonesofuckingobnoxiousandnotturnedoutlikehim.
Visually,it’slikelookinginamirrorthatshowsyourfuture.Samehair,sameeyes,samefacebasically.There’sunfortunatelynodoubtwhosesonIam.Buthispersonality,JesusChrist.ItwouldbelikeifIhadAaron’spersonalityorsomething.
“Both.”
“Youhaven’tbeenansweringmycalls.”
“YouflewonethousandmilesbecauseI’vebeentoobusytoansweryourcalls?Areyouforreal?”
Ihaven’tevennoticedtheguysarealsohereuntilInoticethemallshuffleintothedeninmyperipheralvision.It’salwaysbeenawkwardformebecausealltheirparentsarenice.Henry’smomsliveinMapleHillsandeventheydon’tdropinonusunannounced.
“ItraveledbecauseIhavebusinessinCalifornia.I’mherebecauseIwantedtoseeyou.”Thecaringfatheracthasalwaysbeenafavorite;ifyoudon’tknowhim,it’salmostconvincing.“AsIsaid,youhaven’tbeenansweringmycalls.”
Isitonthecouch,mirroringhisseatedpositiononthechairacrossfromme.It’sallsuspicious,mygutisyellingatmethatsomethingisoff.
“WhatbusinesscouldyouhaveinLA?Youknowitdoesn’tsnowhere,right?”
“Don’tpretendtoknowanythingaboutourfamily’sbusiness.”Hisfa?adeslips.“Youdon’tmindspendingfamilymoneyonyourtuition,oryourhouse,orthathundredgrandcaryoudrive.Youjustdon’tlikecontributinganything.”
Leaningforwardtorestmyelbowsonmyknees,Isigh,refusingtoengageinthesameconversationwe’vebeenhavingsinceIgraduatedfromhighschoolandtoldhimIwasn’tgoingtostudybusinessatColoradoState.“Whyareyouhere,Dad?”
“Yoursisterisunhappy.”Noshit.“Ineedyoutotalktoher.Shesaysshewantstoquitskiing.”
Sashadoesn’twanttoquitskiing.It’stheonlythingshecansaytohimtogethimtolistentoher.“Whatelseisshesaying?”
Eyebrowsfurrowed,hishandrubsagainsthisjaw.Fuck,evenourmovementslookthesame.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Shedidn’tjustcometoyouandsayshe’squitting.Whatissheaskingforthatyou’reignoring?Whatdoesshewant?God,Ishouldn’thavetoteachyoutoparentyoursixteen-year-old.”
“Watchyourtone,Nathaniel.”
“Doyouevenlistentoher?”Myvoicegetslouder,theangerbubblinginmychest.“She’snotafreakingracehorse,she’salittlegirl.Shedoesn’texisttowintrophiesforyou.Shehasneeds!You’reluckyshehasn’tfiledforemancipation.”
Iwanthimtoshoutback,forustoarguethisout,buthejuststaresatmewithablankexpression.
“Shelovesskiing,youknowshedoes.Shewouldn’tbeasgoodassheisifshedidn’tloveit.Butsheneedsbreaks,Dad.Sheneedscareandattention,andtoknowthathowmuchyouloveherdoesn’tdependonhowcleanherrunsare.”
“ShewantstogoonvacationforChristmas.”
Iknewhe’dknow;Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifshe’sbeenaskingformonths,andhe’signoredit.“See?Easy.TakehertoSt.Bartsorsomething.Letherlieonabeach,readabook,chugavirginpi?acoladaortwo.”
Withoutmissingabeat,heignoreswhatIsaidandnodstowardthestairs.“Thereappearstobeawomanlivinginyourbedroom.Whereisshe?”
Hecatchesmeoffguard,clearlyhisintention.Hisonlyintentionusually,asdemonstratedbyturninguphereuninvited.Whentheinitialshocksubsides,therealizationhits,andforthefirsttime,I’mgladAnastasiaisn’there.
“Howdidyougetintomyroom?”
Standingfromthechair,hestraightenshissuitjacket.“BecauseIremembermyownwife’sbirthday.”Theairchanges.Cools.Suffocatesme.Idon’tevenknow.“Well,you’reclearlybusyanddon’twantmehere.I’mstayingatTheHuntingtonifyoudecideyoucantoleratethemanwhohasgivenyoueverythingyou’veeverwantedforthelengthofonemeal.Iflyhomeintwodays.”
Andwiththatfinalfakeself-pityact,havinggottenwhathecameherefor,Iwatchhimleave.TWENTY-SEVEN|ANASTASIA
Forsomethingdesignedtomakeyoufeelbetter,positiveaffirmationsfuckingsuck.Theyaren’tworking.Idon’tfeelanymorepositive.Idon’tfeelanymoreaffirmed.WhydoIbother?
Movingbehindmesohisbodyloomsovermine,Nate’shandsholdmywaisttightly,theheatofhisfingerssearingtheskinofmyexposedstomach.Keepinghisbodyclosetomine,hismouthfindsmyear,whispering.“Youreadyforthis,Allen?”
Myheartisreadytobeatoutofmychest,thoughtsinirreparablechaos.It’sbeenweeks,andIdon’tknowifI’mready.No.IknowI’mnot.Idon’twantto.
“Three,two,one…”
“No!”Grippinghiswrists,itdoesn’ttakemuchtopullhimoffme.“No,Ican’t!”
Lettingmego,heallowsmetoskateaway,shakingofftheuncomfortablepricklingtensionatthebottomofmyneck.Thisisgettingridiculous,andIknowthat.IcanfeelhisfrustrationwhenIstophimbeforeheliftsme.Henevertakesitoutonme,heneversaysanything,butIknowit’sthere.
Nateskatesoffintheoppositedirection,handsonhiships,catchinghisbreath.“Nate,I’msorry!”Ishoutforwhatfeelslikethemillionthteam.
Heglidestowardme,andIwanttocavetomyinstincts.Lethimscoopmeup,carrymeaway,andshowermeinaffection.Iwanttowrapmyselfaroundhimandlethimwhisperpromisesintomyskinabouthowhe’llneverletmedown.
Twohandscapturemyface,lightlytiltingmyheadback.Iwanthimtobenddownandkissme,buthewon’tbecauseI’vetoldhimhecan’t.
Anotherthingtobeangrywithmyselfover.
“Whydon’tyoutrustme?”Histoneissoft,whichonlymakesthisharder.“Stas,I’mnotgoingtodropyou.”
“I…”Idon’thaveananswerforhim.Everytimetheanxietyswirlsinthepitofmystomach,Ican’tbreathe.We’vebeenpracticinginthegymandIknowhecanpickmeup,butforsomereason,beingoutheredoingitforrealisjusttoomuch.“Idotrustyou.Idon’tknowwhat’swrongwithme.”
MovingtowardBrady,she’swearinghersignaturelookofirritation.“Youtwoneedtoworkthisout.Anastasia,ifyouwanttobeapairskater,youneedtobeabletoworkwithapair.”
She’ssayingitlikethatknowledgeisn’tmycurrentobsession.“Iknow,Coach.”
“Thelongeryouletthisfearruleyou,themoreyousuffer.Workitoutandworkitoutquickly.”
Holdingbackthetears,NateandIstepofftheiceandputourguardson.TheworstbitisI’mhavingsomuchfuntrainingwithNathan,andnowthathe’susedtohisskates,he’slearningquickly.
Eventhoughhe’sheretohelpme,I’mweirdlyproudwhenhenailsajump.Don’tgetmewrong,he’slandedonhisassahundredtimes,eachtimefunnierthanthelast,butnowifhe’sonthefloor,heknocksmylegsoutfromundermewhenItrytohelphimup,catchingmeinhislap.
Myloveforskatinghasbeenrevitalizedandhe’samassivepartofthat.Hedrapesanarmacrossmyshouldersaswewalktowardthelockerrooms.“We’regoingtodoit.I’llmakeaplan.We’llgetthroughittogether.”
Stoppinginhistracks,IfollowhiseyelinetothelastpersonIwasexpectingtosee.“Aaron,what’reyoudoinghere?”
“Canwetalk?”HiseyesfloattoNate,andhisposturestiffens.“Alone.”
“Absolutelynot,”Natesnaps.
“Nathan…”ThelastthingIneedisabrawl.“Idon’thaveanythingtosaytoyou,Aaron.”
“Don’tsayanythingthen,”hesayssoftly.“JustlistenandthenI’llgo.”
Nate’sarmtightensaroundme,andIdislikethefeelingofbeingstuckbetweenthem.ThisisthelongestAaronandIhaven’ttalked;it’snotbecauseI’mnotdesperatetohearhimsaysomethingthathelpsmemakesenseofthis,it’sbecauseI’msickofbeinghisverbalpunchingbag.
“Letmegetchangedfirst,”Itellhim.“I’llmeetyouintheofficeinacoupleofminutes.”
“Anastasia,”Nathansaysfirmly,andIcansensehisanxiety,butIcan’tavoidAaronforever.
Squeezingthehandrestingonmyshoulder,Iattempttoreassurehim.“I’llbefine,anditwon’ttakelong.”
Headingintothelockerrooms,mymoodimmediatelyimproveswhenIcanhearafewoftheyoungerskatersgossipingbeforetheirpractice.
“He’ssofreakinghot.”
“He’sthecaptainofthehockeyteam.”
“Whataluckybitch.”
“They’resohookingupbehindAubrey’sback.”
“Iheardhe’stheonewhomessedupAaron.”
“Ithoughtshewaswiththebasketballguy?”
“Good,Aaron’sacreep.”
“No,Ifollowhim,andhe’salwayspostingaboutablondgirlcalledOlivia.”
“Theydefinitelyare.IbetAubreyhasalreadyguessed.”
“I’driskherwrathifhelookedatmelikethat.Didyouhearhehadtoputonshortsbecauseofhowbighisd—”
“Girls?”Isay,tryingnottolaugh.“CoachBradyiswaitingforyouall.”
It’ssoquietyou’dbeabletohearapindrop.Thereisn’tanotherpeepoutofthemastheyallwalkpastmelookinghorrified.
Partofmeisinnorushtogetchanged,dreadingfacingAaron.Theotherpartofmewantstogetitoverwith.NathaniswaitingformewhenIfinallydragmyselffromthelockerroom.
“Idon’tlikethis,”isthefirstthinghesays.Hishandcupsmycheeksoftly,andIcan’tstopmyselffromleaningintoitswarmth.“Iwantyoutomakeyourownchoices,butpleaserememberyoudon’towehimanything.Don’tlethimguiltyou.”
“Waitformeinthecar?”
Henods,leaningforward,changinghismindagainandleaningback,thenfinallycommittingandkissingmyforeheadquicklybeforeheadingtowardtheexit.
Thewalktotheofficefeelstwiceaslong,knowingwho’swaiting,butIfacethemusicanyway,pushingthedooropen.
Aaron’ssittingatthetable,hisbadwriststrappedtohischest,makingitlookextraserious.Closingthedoorbehindme,Itakeaseatoppositehim,concentratingonmybreathing.
“I’vewantedtocomehereforweeks,”hesaysquietly,staringathisfreehandrestingonthetable.“ButIwasangryatyou,anditwouldn’thavebeengoodforeitherofus.”
I’msurprisedmyjawdoesn’thitthefloor.Aaronhaspracticallyhoundedme,beggingmetomovebackhome,butapparently,hewasangryatme?“Whatcouldyoupossiblybeangryatmeabout?”
“Areyoukiddingme?Youmoveoutwithouttellingme,andyoumoveinwiththeguyresponsibleformenotbeingabletoskate?”
MyjawticksasIfighttostaycalm.“Hesayshehadnothingtodowithit.”
“You’dbelieveanythinghetellsyou.That’syourproblem,Stassie.”Hescoffs,lookingmedeadintheface.“You’rena?ve.Youmakeoutthatyou’reMs.Positive,andyouwanttocommunicate,butit’sallbullshit.You’rejustaliar.”
Isthisafeverdream?There’snowayI’mhearingthisright.Idon’tknowwhattoaddressfirst.Ishouldwalkoutandnevertalktohimagain,butunfortunately,Ican’t.“Ifyou’regoingtositandattackme,Iwillleave.”
“I’mnotattackingyou.Iwanttotalk.Iwanttosortthingsoutbetweenus.”
“Howcanyounothearyou’reattackingme?You’remadatmeformovingout,butyoutoldmetofuckoff.”I’mtryingnottolethimgetundermyskin,butmybrainwantstoscream,andmyheartwantstocry.“I’vebeenundereating,Aaron.I’vebeenatahigherriskofinjuryformonths,andyou’retheonewiththeproblem?Itrustedyou!”
“Youaresofuckingdramatic.WhyareyouactinglikeI’vebeenstarvingyou?”Hegroansloudly,lookingtotheceiling,thenbacktome.“Ithoughtitwasfine!You’venevercomplainedandyou’reanadult,Anastasia.Youcaneatmoreifyou’rehungry!Howisitmyfaultyoudon’tlistentoyourownbody?”
“Oh,andhaveyouremindmeIhaveanoutfittofitinto?Orhaveyougroanwhenyouliftme?”
“So,I’mabadguybecauseIkeepyouaccountable?”
“Itisn’taccountability,Aaron,it’sobsession!YoucaretoomuchaboutwhatI’mdoingandwhomI’mdoingitwith.”Myvoicebreaks,andIhateit.Ihatethathecantellwhathe’sdoingtome.“Youwanttocontrolme,andyou’redestroyingourfriendship,ourpartnership!”
“Whenareyoucominghome?”hesaysabruptly.“Imissyou.”
Hischangeofdirectiongivesmewhiplashanditremindsmethatdeepdown,Aaron’slost.“Ican’tcomehomeuntilyouproperlyunderstandwhatyou’vedone,andIbelieveyouwillchange.”Standingfrommyseat,Islingmypurseovermyshoulder.“Ican’ttrustyourightnow,Aaron.Butwe’repairedtogetherwhetherwelikeitornot,soI’mgoingtoneedtobeabletonavigatethissomehow.”
Henods,faceblank.“Iknowyoubelieveanythinghetellsyou,butwhywouldIpurposelyputyouatagreaterriskofinjury,Anastasia?”Sighing,heletshisshouldersag.“Ifyoudon’tbelieveIcareaboutyou,fine.ButyouknowIcareaboutmyself,sowhywouldIriskmyowngoalsifyouendedupwithaninjury?”
Ifthiswasn’tsuchamiserablesituation,whathesaidmightbefunny.Heisn’twrong;thenumberonethingAaronCarlislecaresaboutishimself.“Idon’tknowwhyyoudoalotofthethingsyoudo.Butitdoesn’tmeanyoudon’tdothem.”
“Ididn’tlikewatchingyouskatingwithsomeoneelse.Idowanttofixthis,Stas.Ipromise.”
“Ibelieveyou,butrightnowyourpromiseisn’tenough.”
***
WhenIclimbedintoNathan’scarearlier,burstingwithtoomuchadrenaline,Iaskedhimifhefeltlikedoingsomethingirresponsible.
Throwingapartytheweekbeforefinalsstartismyversionofirresponsible,asisplayingdrinkinggameswithamanafoottallerandahundredpoundsheavierthanme.Toevenourodds,Nate’sdrinkistwiceasstrongasmine,notthathe’snoticed.Luckilyforme,thegameofchoiceisNeverHaveIEver,anditturnsoutNatehasspentquitealotofhistimeatcollegegainingnewexperiences.
Mattieclearshisthroattogeteveryone’sattentionforhisturn.“NeverhaveIever…accidentallycalledFaulknerwhileIwashavingsex.”
“Ohforfuck’ssake,”Natemutters,liftinghisdrinktohislips.Hedoesn’tbotherlookingatme.“Youdon’twannaknow.”
“Okay,okay.”JJrubshishandstogether.“NeverhaveIever…lefttheclubwithanolderwoman,”severaloftheguyslifttheircups,stoppingwhenJJasksthemtowait,“thenfoundoutI’dalsohookedupwithherdaughterwhenIsawthefamilypicturesonthewallthenextmorning.”
Nathancursesunderhisbreath,shakinghisheadathisbestfriendasheliftshiscuptohismouthagain.
“OhmyGod!”Myjawmightaswellbeonthefloor,Sabrinaiscacklingbesideme,andJaidenlooksincrediblyhappywithhimself.It’smyturn,andIcan’tthinkofanythingasoutrageousastheguyshave,butIhaveonethingthatIknowwillmakehimdrink.“NeverhaveIever…fallenoutofaskilift.”
Natesnorts,liftinghiscupstraightaway.Besidehim,Robbiedrinkstoo.
“Youaswell?”Ilaughwhenhenods,wincingasheswallowshisdrink.Sabrinamadethatone,soGodknowshowstrongitis.
“Yeah,thelittleshitdraggedmewithhim.”
Thegamecontinues,andnaturally,theguysuseitasawaytoaireachother’sindiscretions.SabrinaandImoveawaytocatchupontheday’sevents,andafteranhourofusswappingtheoriesandbasicallystraight-upbitchingaboutAaron,ItrackNatedown.
Ifindhimintheden,totallyignoringtwogirlstryingtotalktohim.AssoonasIapproach,hepullsmeintohislapandburieshisheadinmyneck.“Wherehaveyoubeen?I’vemissedyou.”
“WithBrin.Howcanyoumissme?Youseemeeveryday.”
Notbotheringtoanswermyquestion,Ifeelhimnibblemyear.“Ican’trememberwhyI’mnotallowedtokissyouanymore,butIreally,reallywantto.”He’ssodrunkhiswordsareslurring,butIcan’tremembereither.“You’resopretty,Stassie.”
Spinninginhislaptofacehim,hisgroanletsmeknowthatwasn’tthebestdecision.Heplaceshishandonmyfaceandpouts.“Wedosexsowell.Comeon,I’llremindyou.”
I’mtakinghimtobed,butit’scertainlynotgoingtobeforthat.“Comeon,drunkboy.”
It’sliketryingtocontrolaveryrowdytoddlerasInavigatehimupthestairs.Crashingintohisroom,Nathaninstantlystripsoff,throwinghisclothesaroundhaphazardly.WhileI’mpickinguphisclothes,Iheartheshowerstart,andmomentslater,averyloud,off-keyrenditionof“LastChristmas”echoesoverthesoundofrunningwater.
Heappearsminuteslater,smellingstronglyofhoneyandstrawberry,soIknowhe’susedmyshampoo.Thetowelishanginglooselyfromhiships,dropletsofwaterrunningdownhissolidchest
JesusChrist.
Notcaringthathe’sdrippingwet,hestompsacrosstheroom,stoppinginfrontofme.“Wannadotheno-pantsdancewithme?”
“No.Iwantyoutogetintobedandgotosleep.”
Helooksgenuinelyshocked.“Whynot?”
Pushinghimtothebed,heflopsdown,notlandinganywherethatevenresemblesanormalsleepingposition.“Whydoyouthink?”
Thinkingonit,therealizationkicksin.“You’redrunk,andI’msober,sothatmeans…”hesings,makinganXwithhisarms.“Nonakedsleepover.”
Notfullyaccurate,buttheimportantpartsareright.“Bingo.Lieproperly,please.”
Ignoringme,heyawnsandcloseshiseyes.“Drunkpeoplecan’tgiveconsent,Stas.”
“That’sright,bub,”Ipant,liftinghisalarminglyheavylegstotrytomaneuverhim.“Nate,canyouhe—okay,you’reasleep.Great.”
Brin’snosescruncheswhenIrejoinherdownstairs.“Whydoyoulooksosweaty?”
“Nathan’sdrunkandheavy.”
“Haveyourealizedyou’refallinginlovewithhimyet?”
“I’veknownhimtwominutes,Sabrina.I’mnotfallinginlove,we’renotevendating,”Isayback,lookingovermyshouldertomakesurenobodyisaroundlistening.
“It’sbeennearlythreemonthsandyou’velivedtogetherfornearlyoneofthem.Ithinkthatsortamakesthedatingthingredundant.”
It’sbeenanhourofSabrinagivingmeshitandmakingweddingsuggestions,andshesuddenlysqueaks,makingmejump.“IforgottotellyoubecauseIwasrushing!AaronishookingupwithKittyVincent!”
Ifeellikeoneofthosecartooncharacterswhentheireyesspringoutoftheirhead.“Sayyou’rejokingrightnow.”
“Iwouldneverjokeaboutsomethingsohorrific.Isawitwithmyowneyes.Unrelated,butwhenyoumovehome,weneedtoburnthecouch.Rosieisstillthesweetest,butKittyisworse.So,somuchworse.”
Kittywasourfriendfreshmanyear,andweweregettingtoknowRosie,herroommatetoo.RosieisthedaughterofSimone,myboss,anditwasRosiewhorecommendedmeforthejob.
AsSabrinasaid,Rosiewassweet,butKittywasanasty,conceitedbitch,andthat’snotsomethingIcallanotherwomanlightly.Scientistsshouldstudytheirfriendshipbecauseit’sbeentwoyearsandIstilldon’tunderstandit.
Annoyingly,theyliveinourbuilding,soweseethemsometimes,andwecan’tgettoknowRosiebetterandavoidKittybecausethey’reinseparable.
BeforeIcanprocesstheinformationthrownatmebyBrin,cheerseruptaroundus.Sabrina’seyeswiden,andherhandfliestohermouthasshedoeswhatcanonlybedescribedasascoff-snorthybrid.
Turningtosearchoutthesourceofthechaos,IimmediatelyspotNathanpushingthroughthecrowdinhisboxers.Hisfriendsappearfromtheden,alsosearchingforthecauseofthenoise,andallreachfortheirphones.
NateisstompingacrosstheroomwithpurposeandIwishhewereheadedtowardhisfriends.
Ireally,reallywishhewasgoingtothem.
Buthedoesn’t;hestopsrightinfrontofme,lippoutingwithsleepy,half-liddedeyes.“Youweren’ttherewhenIwokeup.”
“OhmyGod.Whereareyourclothes?”
“Comebacktobed,”hewhinesloudenoughforotherpeopletohear.“Nofunnybusiness.Justcuddlewithme.”
“Thisisgold,”SabrinasaysbehindmeandwhenIlookovermyshoulder,shehasherphoneouttoo.
Theguysareallwatching,andseveralarebentoverlaughing.Oneofthemlookslikethey’rehyperventilating.ReluctantlylettingNathandragmetowardthestairs,Ishootthemalltheevils.“Thanksforyourhelp,guys.”
“Butyou’redoingsuchagoodjob,”Robbieshoutsback.
Whenwereachhisroom,Nateflopsontothebed,andIcanseethathehasdecidedtodemolishourpillowbarricade.He’salreadysnoringwhenI’mreadytocrawlinbesidehim,buthestillsensesmethereandpullsmeclosertohim.
Afterthreeweeksofpillowseparation,beingflushagainsthimfeelssofreakinggood.Idon’tbotherfightingtokeepmyeyesopen.TWENTY-EIGHT|NATHAN
Myphoneisfullofmessages,andIdon’tneedtoopenthembecauseIopenedone,andtherestofthemareguaranteedtobethesame.
They’llallbeofme,strollingthroughmylivingroomdrunkandpracticallynaked,tryingtodragAnastasiaupstairswithmelikeaneedy,inebriatedbaby.
She’sstillcurledupbesideme,hersoftbreathticklingagainstmychest,brownlocksdecoratingmybicep.Icanseetheremainsofourpillowbarricadestrewnacrossmybedroomfloor.
Ican’tremember,butI’dimagineI’mprobablytoblameforthat.
I’dsaythefactthatwe’recuddlingrightnowisprobablyme,too,butjudgingbythecontentlookonherfaceasshesleepspeacefully,I’dguessshe’saboutashappyaboutthisclosenessasIam.
Ineverusuallygetsuperdrunkbecausemyfriendsaretooirresponsibletobearoundotherpeopleandnothavesomerealadultsupervision.Butlastnight,IwasgoadedintoadrinkinggamebyawomanthatIassumewascheating.
Shewaslookingaftermeandnottheotherwayaround,andthatalonepracticallyconfirmsmysuspicions.Idecidetobravetheworstwhileshe’sstillasleepandopentheteamgroupchat.
PUCKBUNNIES
JAIDENJOHAL:*angryemoji*
JAIDENJOHAL:NatewhenStassiedarestotalktosomeonethatisn’thim.
JOECARTER:*cryingemoji*
JOECARTER:Whenshe’snottherewhenyouwakeup.
KRISHUDSON:*heart-eyesemoji*
KRISHUDSON:Whenhesaysnobanging,justcuddling.
Thenextmessageisfrommysister,Sasha.
SASHHAWKINS
SASHHAWKINS:Godyou’reembarrassing.
SASHHAWKINS:I’lltakeUCMHoffmypotentialschoollist.
NATEHAWKINS:Howdoyouevenknow
SASHHAWKINS:SawitontheUCMHgossippage
SASHHAWKINS:Needtherapynow,thanks.
NATEHAWKINS:Great.
SASHHAWKINS:AlreadyannoyedatyouforabandoningmeatChristmas.
NATEHAWKINS:Oh,itmustbesoterribleforyou.
NATEHAWKINS:HowwillyouevercopeonthebeachinSt.Barts.
NATEHAWKINS:You’rewelcome,btw.
SASHHAWKINS:Ohwell.
SASHHAWKINS:EnjoyChristmasalone,weirdo.
MydadtookmyadviceandofferedtotakeusonvacationtoSt.BartsforChristmas.Idon’tknowwhowasmoreshocked:Sashaforgettingwhatshewantedormebecausehelistenedtomyadvice.
I’dlovetospendChristmaswithSasha,butI’dgenuinelyratherswiminshark-infestedwaterswearingasealsuitthanspendtwoweekswithDadinanothercountry.
Myphonebuzzeswithanothermessagefromtheteam.
Ohgreat.I’mamemenow.
SometimesImakeittooeasyforthem,butthisisnextleveltooeasyforthem.Ihaven’thadagirlfriendthewholetimewe’vebeenatcollege.Notthatshe’smygirlfriend.WhyamIpanickinglikeshecanhearmythoughts?WhenItoldherIwasanall-or-nothingpersonIwasmainlyjoking.Isureashellwasn’texpectinghertomovein.
Theideaofhernotlivingwithmeandtheguysisweirdtomenow,andI’mworriedaboutwherewegofromhere.ShesaysonceshesortsthingsoutwithAaron,shewantstomoveback.It’shardtounderstand,especiallysinceshecallsthishousehome.
Anastasiathinksstartingourrelationship—yes,shesaidrelationship—offinsuchanintensewaymightsetusupforfailure.Thensheremindsmeattheendoftheschoolyear,I’llbemovingtoCanada,andshe’llbeherealone.Sheisn’twrong,butitstilldoesn’tconvincemesheshouldlivewithAaronagain.
Shestirsinmyarms,whichfeelsabouttherighttimetostartfakesnoring,buthereyessnapopen,andsheimmediatelylooksunimpressed.“Whyareyoustaringatme,youbigcreep?”Shedoesn’tgivemeachancetorespond.“Don’teventrytellingmeIlookbeautiful.Icanfeeldrydroolonmycheek.”
“Iloveitwhenyoutalkdirtytome.”
“Youareinsuchbigtrouble,mister,”shesayswithayawn,stretchingoutallherlimbs.I’mnotsureifit’sthehangoveroranxietyfromwaitingtobeshoutedatthat’smakingmystomachchurn,butI’mqueasy.“How’syourhead?Doyouwantmetomakeyousomepancakes?”
Well,shit.Iwasn’texpectingthat.“Iembarrassedyouandyouwanttomakemepancakes?”
“Youembarrassedyourself.”Shechuckles.“AndIknowforafactyourfriendsaregoingtoterrorizeyoutoday.Potentiallyfortherestofyourlife,thinkingaboutit.Youcouldsaythey’repitypancakesmorethananything.Youwantchocchip?”
Shesitsupbesideme,wildhairlikealion’smaneandsleepybutwarmeyes.Ican’thelpbutreachupandcupherface,brushingmythumbcarefullywherehercheeksareflushed.“WhatdidIdotodeserveyou?”
Shekissesthepalmofmyhandquicklyandclimbsovermetogetoutofbed.“You’reverykindandyou’reverypretty.”
“WhatifIgetattackedbyamountainlionanditeatsoffmyface,willyoustilllikemethen?”
Icanseehertryingtosuppressalaughasherlipspullintoatightline.“YouspendtoomuchtimewithJJ.He’salwaysaskingmeshitlikethis.Uh,willyoustillbekindwhenyou’refaceless?”
Ithinkaboutit.“Yes.”
“I’llstilllikeyou.”
Wepickupthisconversationinthekitchen,whereeveryoneisnowimpatientlywaitingaroundforthepancakesStassieismaking.
“Whatifhegetsbittenbyasharkbutsurvivesandhasacoolscar,buteveryfullmoonhebecomesashark.Willyoulikehimthen?”JJasks,flinchingwhenhetriestostealapancakefromthepileStassieisaddingto,andsheslapshishandaway.
“Whenhe’sashark,doesheliveintheseaorisheinabathtubthatIhavetotopupandstuff?”
Withouthesitation,JJfiresback.“Sea.YoujusthavetodrophimoffatVeniceBeachbeforethesunsets.”
“Yeah,I’llstilllikehim.”
Platingupthepancakesandpassingthemaround,shecoversherownplateinstrawberriesandsyrup.Proteinpancakesarehernewobsessionbecauseitmeansshenolongerhastotoleratethedisgustingtasteofproteinshakes.
Henry’sbeenoddlyquietlisteningtoRobbie,JJ,andSabrinaroundoffscenarioafterscenariotoseewherethelineis.Henrydoesn’ttendtostayquietforlong.“So,whatI’mhearing,Stassie,isthataslongasNathanisnicetoyou,thereisn’tanythingthatwouldmakeyounotlikehim?”
Sheshrugs.“Uh,Isuppose?Idon’tknow.I’mnottooworriedabouthimjoiningthemafiaorhavingtoonlywearaclownsuitfortherestofhislife,soImean,it’snotreal,isit?”
“Thatsoundslikeyou’reinlovewithhimtome.”Everyone’seyeswidenandheadsturntofacehimatthesametime.Withamouthfullofpancakes,helooksbetweenusall,confused.“Ww-hhott?”
DoesitfeelgoodthatStaswouldstilllikemeifIhadcrabhands?Ofcourse.DoIwantHenryputtingheronthespotoverpancakeswhenwe’retryingtowaitthisoutuntilJanuary?No.
Takingasipofhiswater,heclearshisthroat.“Judgingbythewayeveryone’sstaringatme,IfeellikethatmightbeoneofthosethingsI’mnotsupposedtosay.”
“Thesepancakesareamazing,Stassie,”JJsaysloudly.
“Thebest,”Imumble,stickinganotherforkfulinmymouth.
She’sconcentratinghardonherstrawberries,butshecan’thideherpinkcheeks.
Interesting
***
“Nate,thisisn’tthewaytotherink.”
“We’renotgoingtotherink.”
Bradysaidweneededtoworkthroughourtrustissues,sothat’swhatwe’regoingtodo.Trustissuesiswhatwe’recallingthembecausewe’reateam.Sayingit’sStassie’sfearputstheblameonherandgiveshersomethingelsetopunishherselffor.
“Wecan’tskippracticebecauseyou’rehungover,”shedrawls.
“IhadthreedoughnutswithJJearlier,I’mnothungoveranymore.Andwe’renotskipping.Bradyapproves.”
“Andwhat’rewedoing?”
“We’regoingtolearntotrusteachother.”
TherestofthecarjourneyisquietasshesitsandsulksbecauseIwon’ttellherwherewe’regoing.Jokesonher,Ilikeherpoutylipsandthewayhernosescruncheswhenshe’sannoyed.
PullingintotheUCMHpoolparkinglot,Iimmediatelyfeelhereyesonme.“Swimming?You’rejoking,right?”
“ThewholeswimteamareinPhiladelphiaatsomecomp.Wehavethepooltoourselves;I’mgoingtoprovetoyouIcanhandlewhateveryouthrowatme.”
It’sagoodplaninprinciple,butthewayherfacesinksmakesmyheartache.
“Idon’tevenhaveasuit.”
“ItookSabrinahomeatlunchandshegotmeallyourthings.Youhaveeverythingyouneedandit’sallgoingtobeokay.”
“Ifyousayso,”shegrumbles,unbucklingherseatbelt.
I’vebeenwaitingoutsidethelockerroomsforfifteenminutesandthereisnosignofher.IhaveconsideredshemighthaverequestedanUber,butfinally,herheadappears.
“DidyougiveSabrinaanyrequirementswhenyouaskedhertogetmeaswimsuit?”
“Iaskedforhertogetsomethingthatyoucangointhepoolin,why?”
Shehuffsandrollshereyes.“Well,justknowthatthisbikiniwaslastwornduringspringbreakinPalmSprings.”
Herheaddisappears,thenallofherstepsout,andIchokeonnothing.Air?Myownsalvia?Idon’tknow,butI’mstrugglingforoxygen.
Callingwhatshe’swearingabikiniisamassiveexaggeration.Whatshe’swearingistinyscrapsofmaterialthatdoabsolutelynothingtocoveranything.Shespinsaround,andyep,herwholeassisout,thetiniestbitofpinkstringrestingbetweenhercheeks.“YouhonestlythoughtBrinwasgoingtogivemesomethingpractical?”
MymouthislikeadesertandI’mstrugglingtoswallow.She’sbeengettingundressedinthebathroomsincethestartofouragreement,soIhaven’tseenthismuchskinsincewelastshowered.Shewasgenuinelywearingmorethanthisthelasttimewehadsex.
“Uh.”Smooth.“Uh,shouldwegetinthepool?”
She’stryingnottolaughandI’mtryingnottoblatantlyogleher,andneitherofusisdoingverywell.I’msofuckinggladtheswimteamisn’thererightnow.I’mnotsureIcouldpuncheverysingleguywholookedinherdirection,althoughI’dgiveitagoodgo.
Theswimcenterhasacoupleofdifferentpools,sowe’reworkinginthemostshallowone.TheaimisforStassietobelieveIwon’tdropherwhileshehasthesecurityofamouthfullofchlorinebeingtheworst-casescenario.
“Ohgreat.”Shegroansafterhearingtheplan,droppingherselfintothewaterfromtheside.“SonotonlydoIhavetoworryaboutyoudroppingme,nowIhavetoworryaboutdrowning.”
“I’mnotgoingtodropyouandI’dneverletyoudrown.RepeatitbacktomesoIknowyou’relistening,”Isay,droppingbesideher.
“You’renotgoingtodropme.”
“Whatelse?”
“You’dneverletmedrown.”
“Good.Now,whatarewedoingfirst?”
I’veneverconcentratedonsomethingsohardinmylife.Evenwiththeaddedelementofthewater,everymovesofar,whichwe’vepracticedatleasttentimeseach,hasbeenveryeasy.
Thedepthofthepoolisenoughtogiveherthatsecuritysheneeds,whilestillallowingustoworkwithourheightdifference.Shetoldmewe’restartingthehardonesnowandimmediatelyherenthusiasmhaschanged.
“Ileanforwardandpushmybodyupfromyourhips,”shesays,puttingbothherhandsonmyhipbones.“Mycheekisgoingonyourshoulderlikethis.Sortoflockyourarmsundermyribcageandleanback.It’salmostlikeacounterweightsituation.”
Idoexactlywhatshesays,slowlyleaningbackasherbodyrisesoutofthewater,legsextendedperfectly.Ihaveagreatviewofherassrightnow,butI’mhappyaboutthelifttoo.
Herbodylowersdown,andIstayinpositionuntilshetellsmeIcanstop.HersmileispracticallyinfectiousandI’msorelievedthisseemstobeworking.Wedoitanotherhandfuloftimesuntilshe’shappy.
“Whatarewedoingnext,Coach?”
Pressingherfingerstoherlips,hercheeksblushandsheshakesherhead.“Idon’twanttoshowyou.”
“IpromiseIwon’tdropyou.”
Shesplashesherhandsagainstthewater,lookinganywherebutme.“It’snotonlythat.Uh,I’mkindofconcernedyou’regoingtogetaneyefulofwhat’sbetweenmylegs.IhavetospreadmylegswidewhileI’maboveyourhead.”
I’veseenherdothisone;I’dsayherconcernsarevalid,giventhesizeofherpieceofstring.“Youcan’tshowmeanythingIhaven’talreadyseen.You’veusedmyfaceasaseat,Anastasia.I’mabigfanofyourwork—arguablyyourbiggestfan.”
Shemutters,“Forfuck’ssake,”underherbreathandturnsaroundtofaceawayfromme.“Ready?”Shelinksherfingerswithmineandcountsdownfromthree.Ipushherupintheair,lockingmyarmsasherlegsspreadout.She’swobblingalittleandherhandsaregrippingmetighter.
“Don’tpanic,I’vegotyou.I’dcatchyoubeforeyouevenhitthewater,baby.Concentrate.”Icanhearhermutteringtoherself,butIcan’tworkoutwhatshe’ssayingandafterafewsecondsthewobblingstops,andshebeginstolaugh.HerlegsdropdownandIslowlylowerherbackintothewater.“Welldone,you’redoingsowell.”
Wepracticeahandfulmoretimesuntilshe’shappywe’venailedit,andeachtimeIlowerherbackintothewater,Icanfeelthefearslippingaway.
“You’rereallystrong,youknow,”shesays,almostlikeshe’ssurprised.I’mnotgettingintoitwithherbecauseIknowthatsheprobablyweighedherselfthismorningandnowisn’tthetime.
“Whydon’twedotheliftyouweredoingwhenyouweredropped.Isthattheoneworryingyouthemost?”
Shefloatsinfrontofmeinthewaterexplainingtheinsandoutsofthemovebutdoesn’tletmetouchher.Isinkdownsomyshouldersaresubmerged,too,andlistentohertellmewhereourhandsneedtogo.Icanheartheanxietyinhervoice,andIcan’timaginehowmuchworseit’dbeifshehadhittheice.
“Anastasia,listentome.I’mnotgoingtodropyou,andevenifIdid,you’regoinginthewater.That’stheabsoluteworstthingthatcouldhappen.Yougetwethairandamouthfullofgross
MapleHillspoolwater.”
“IknowI’mbeingsilly,I’msorry.Itrustyou,Ipromise.”
“Comeon,nomoretalking.Let’sdoit.”Wegetintoposition,andbeforeshehastimetochangehermind,she’sabovemyhead,balancingononeofmyhands.Evenwithmyhandonlyonherhip,Icanfeelthewayherbodyisshakingandcanhearhererraticbreathing.“Deepbreaths.”
“Letmedown,Idon’tlikeit.”
“Trytomakeyourselffall,Stas.Wiggleabout.Moveasmuchasyoucan.”
“You’rebeingridiculous!”
“Justdoit!”
Shemutterssomeexpletivesasshebeginstothrashaboutabovemyhead.Ittakesmeallofonesecondtogetmyotherhandonherotherhipanditdoesn’tmatterhowmuchshemoves,she’snotgoinganywhere.Igiveheranothertensecondsofmovingaround,tryingtogetfreebeforeIslowlylowerherbackintothewaterinfrontofme,handsstillsecuredonherhips.
“See?You’resafe.”
Herstomachisflatagainstmine,armstightaroundmyneck,breathinglabored.“WhatdidIdotodeserveyou?”
Ipressmylipsagainstherforehead,thinkingaboutthebestwaytoanswerthatquestion.Thereisn’tone,soI’llhavetosettle.“Idon’tknow,butI’dlikeyouifyouhadcrabhandstoo.”TWENTY-NINE|ANASTASIA
Ihaveneverbeensohappytosaygood-byetostudyingandexams.
Theboy’shouseiscurrentlyundergoingatransformationtoturnitintoMapleHills’bestSanta’sgrotto,whichisRobbie’sdream.Forsomeonesonormallychilledout,he’sincrediblystressedaboutthewholegrottosituation…thatheissolelyresponsibleforstarting.
JJsayshe’sanoldmantrappedinayoungman’sbodyandisallowedtobegrumpybydefault.HenrysaysthatRobbieneedsanexcusetobossthemallaboutoutsideofhockey.Sabrinasayshe’srockingadominantpersonality,andit’shotasfuck.
I’mnotsurewhichofthemiscorrect,butwhenenoughmistletoetofilltheentirehousearrivedthismorning,Idecidedtostayoutofthewaywhenitcomestoputtingitsomewhere.
SabrinaandIhavebeendrinkingcandycanemartinisanddancingtoMichaelBubléwhilescratchingourheads,tryingtoworkoutwheretoputeverything.Eventually,Ihadtogiveupbecausetherewastoomuch.Idecidetogobacktomyothertask,staringatmylaptopanddecidingwhethertobookaflighttoSeattleforChristmas.
Steppingthroughthefrontdoor,Henrystopsandtakesinthenewandimprovedlivingroom.“You’rebothslow.MeandJJwouldhavebeendonebynow.”
HemanagestonarrowlyavoidtheornamentBrinlaunchesathim,steppingoutoftheway,soithitsRobbieinthechestasherollsthroughthedoorway.Hethrowsitbackather.“Thanks,babe.I’vemissedyoutoo.”
“Honey,I’mhome!”JJshoutsashestrutsthroughthefrontdoorinhissuit.
They’veallbeeninUtahforagame,sotheyhadtostaythereovernight.EventhoughNathanisn’tallowedtoplay,he’sstillallowedtotravelandwatch.AlthoughheendedupsharingaroomwithMattieandBobby,soIthinkhewisheshehadn’tgone.Theytriedtosneakwomenbackintotheroom,andNategotwokenupbythesoundofFaulknertearingthemanewone.
Heflashesmeabeautifulsmileashewalksin,duffelbagslungoverhisshoulder.Imissmylegsbeingslungoverhisshoulder.Hehasbroadshoulders,andtheylookgoodinhissuit.Allofhimlooksgoodinhissuit.I’mthinkingabouthowtightitisaroundhisthighswhenhelandsonthecouchnexttome,mouthtuggedupinthecorner.“Stopeye-fuckingme,Allen.”
He’sright,I’mpracticallydroolingandI’mnotevenbeingdiscreetaboutit.“I’msorry,youjustlookexceptionallygoodinyoursuit.I’mhavingamomentinmyhead.”
“Wecanhaveamomentinreallifeifyouwant,”heteases,pickingmeupandputtingmeonhislap.Hetakesalookatmylaptopscreenandgivesmeasympatheticlook.“Stillcan’ttaketheplunge?”
“I’vebeentryingforanhour.”HishandgentlyrunsupanddownmyshinasIexplainforprobablythemillionthtimehowIdowanttogohome,butit’sjustallmycrappyexcuses.HeknowshowIfeelbecausewe’vetalkedaboutitatlength,andheunderstandsthatI’mstallingbutthankfullyhe’snotcallingmeoutonit.
“Whydon’tyoucometoColoradowithme?”heaskswhenI’mlistingoffmyexcusesagain.“Myfamilywon’tbethere;wecanskateonthelakeinmybackyardandusethespaattheskiresortasmuchasyouwant.Tellyourparentsit’scompetitionprep.”
“WhyareyousearchingforflightsfromSeattle?”
“IthoughtmaybewecouldgotoyourparentsforacoupleofdaysthenflytoEagleCountyviaDenver.Oryoucouldgo,thenflytomeetmeorwhatever.Ithinkyoushouldseeyourmomanddad.Ihonestlythinkyou’llbeupsetwhenNewYearrollsaroundandyouhaven’tseenthem.”
Theprospectofstayingatmyparents’housewithNatefeelssuperserious,butinaway,makestheanxietyI’mfeelingslipaway.“Letmespeaktomymomfirst,okay?”
“Okay,butdon’tleaveittoolate.Santaiscomingafterall.”
***
Addingtoallthereasonsmyplanneriswonderful,beingorganizedforChristmasisuptherenearthetop.
ImakenotesallyearroundofthingspeoplementionlikingandatChristmas,Inarrowitdown.Well,everyonebutoneperson.
“WhatdoyouwantforChristmas?”
“Nothing.”
“Nate,”Isnap.“TellmewhatyouwantforChristmasoryou’regettingcoal.”
“Idon’twantanything.”
“Nathan!”
Thisargumenthasbeengoingonfordays,butI’mrunningoutofdaystobuyhimsomething.Everyoneelsewassoeasy,butNatenevergivesanythingaway,soIneverhaveanythingtowritedown.
IboughtHenrynewsketchingpencilsandpaints,andIboughtRobbiesomehockeymerch.JJdoesn’tcelebrateChristmas,sohegotgiftslastmonthduringDiwali.IboughtusaVietnamesecookingclassfortwotocontinueourfoodeducationinthenewyear,sinceweenjoycookingtogethersomuch.
ButNathanhasnothing.
Ourpillowbarricadewasneverreinstated,soit’snotthathardtoclimbontopofhimanddemandhisfullattention.“Please,tellmewhatyouwant.Iwanttogetyousomethingthatwillmakeyouhappy.”
“Youalreadymakemehappy.Justletmehaveyou.”
“Butyoualreadyhaveme,”Iwhine.“Andyoucan’tunwrapme.”
“Icouldunwrapyouifyou’dletme…”herasps,handslippingundermyT-shirttotickleacrossmystomach.
Icanfeelhimgrowinghardbetweenmythighsandeverythoughtaboutdistractionsandconflictofinterestinstantlyleavesmyhead.
Fourweeksdoesn’tseemlonginthegrandschemeofthings,butthemoreI’vegottoknowhim,themoreI’vewantedtoclimbhimlikeatree.Thereissomethingaboutlearningthetough,muscularhockeyplayer’sfavoritemovieisCoco
Itdoesfunnythingstoyourinsides
WhenIholdmyarmsupintheair,hesitsupandpullstheT-shirtovermyhead.Hisbrowneyesdarkenandtheheatofhisgazetravelsoverme,sendingajoltofanticipationupmyspine.Mybragoesnext,histongueimmediatelyflickingovermyalreadytautnipple.Travelingupmychest,hekisseshiswaytomymouth,graspingmyfacebetweenhishands.
“Webreakingalltherules?”heasksagainstmymouth.There’shardlyanyroombetweenusandIswearthisisthemostcontentI’vefeltinweeks.
“Definitely.”
Finally,hismouthmeetsmine,tongueexploringferventlyasmyhipsdevelopamindoftheirownandgrindagainsthim.Eachswirlofmyhipssendsthemostaddictivewaveofpleasurethroughme.
“God,I’vemissedyou.”Histeethnipatmybottomlip,voicelowandstrained.“I’mnotgoingtolastifyoukeepdoingthattome.”
“TellmewhatyouwantforChristmasorIwon’tletyoucomeatall,”Itease,reachingbetweenustogriphimthroughhisboxers.Hisshockedchuckleisinstantlyreplacedwithalow,throatymoanasIrubupanddown.“Comeon,Hawkins,justonelittleChristmaspresent.”
“Idon’tknow!”Mybackhitsthemattressasheflipsusover,hishardbodyhoveringovermine.Heworkshiswaydownmybody,stoppingtolickandkisseveryspotuntilhismouthishoveringrightoverthedampspotonmypanties.Hefrownsashelooksupfromthespotbetweenmythighs,tuggingatthelace.“Theseareintheway.”
ThesecondhismouthisonmeI’mclimbing,backarchingfromthebed,grindingintohisface.Desperate,needycriesthathedoesn’tseemtogiveashitaboutringoutashetakeshistime,suckingmythrobbingclitintohismouth.Ican’ttakeit.Thepleasurerollsthroughme;apleasedgrumblevibratesinhisthroatashistonguepiercesme,sendingmetumblingovertheedge,cryinghisname.
You’dthinkthat’dbeenoughforhimtorelent,butit’snot.Helockshisarmsaroundmylegs,pinningmeinposition,grippingmetighterwhentheoversensitiveandoverstimulatedachinghasmetryingtosquirmaway.Thesensationistoomuch,andifmybackarchesoffthebedanymore,IswearIwillsnap.It’sbeenweeksofjustmeandtheshowerhead,sowatchinghimburyhisheadbetweenmylegs
anddevourme,moaninghappily,ismorethanIcanhandle.
“Onemore,baby.”
And,ofcourse,mybodydoeswhateverhesays.
“Clevergirl,”hecoos,climbingbackupmybody,brushingthehairfrommydampforehead.Ipushhisboxersdown,lettinghisdickspringfree,andmovemyhandupanddownit,watchinghiseyesrollbackinhishead.
“TellmewhatyouwantforaChristmas,Nathan.”
Hethrustsintomyhandslowly.“HowcanyoustillthinkaboutChristmaswhenIjustmadeyoucometwice?”
“Becauseit’simportanttometodosomethingniceforyou.”
“Ionlywantyou,Anastasia.Nothingyoucanbuymeisbetterthanthepastfourweekswithyou.Givememoreofthat,andI’llbehappy.”
Ipullhismouthtomine,tastingmyselfonhistongue.I’mlostforwords.HowcouldInotbe?ThismanblowseverynegativethoughtI’veeverhadaboutexclusivityaway.WhywouldIeverwanttosharemyself,sharehim?
Hekissesme,cradlesmyface,andgivesmeeverysliverofhiscareandattention.Hisarmreachestowardthebedsidedrawer,andthewordsspilloutofmymouth.“Wedon’thavetouseacondom…unlessyouwantto.I’monbirthcontrol,andI’mnothavingsexwithanyoneelse.Itrustyou,”Itakeadeepbreath,“andIhopeyoutrustme.”
Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenhimspeechless.Hefinallyclearshisthroatafterstaringatmewithaslackjawforthirtyseconds.“You’reserious?”
“Yeah.I’veneverdoneitwithoutbeforebutdon’tfeelpressured.”
“NeitherhaveI.Ohmy—fuck.”Helineshimselfupandtheanticipationiskillingme.“You’resure?”
“Please,we’vewaitedlongenough.”
NatesinkingintomebareislikenothingI’veeverexperienced;everythingistentimesmoreintense,andIcanfeeleverybitofhim.He’spantingintomyshoulder,lettingmeadjustafterfillingme.
“OhmyGod.So,fuckinggood,Anastasia.JesusChrist,you’resowetandreadyforme.”
Hepullsbackhishipsandsnapsthemforward,skinslappingechoingaroundtheroom.Myskinfeelsreadytoburstintoflamesandeverynerveisonedge.Iwantmore.
“Hardandfast,”Iwhisper,wrappingmylegsaroundhimandcrossingmyfeetatthebottomofhisback.
“Iwon’tlast.”Hegroans.“Youfeeltoogood.It’stakingeveryounceofself-controlnottogorightnow.”
Usingmyfeettoliftmyhipsandslideupanddownhim,rollingmyhipswhenIgetbacktothetip.
Iwanthimtopoundmeintothebedandseehimlosehismind,butMr.Generousistooconcernedaboutturningmeintoaquiveringwreck.Again
“Idon’tcare,”Itellhimhonestly.“Givemeeverythingyou’vegot.”
Slidinghishandsunderme,hisfingerswraparoundtoclingtomyshoulders.I’mtryingtohidethegiddyexpressiononmyface,buthespotsit,andhislipstugintoasmirk.“Wrapyourarmsaroundmeandrememberyouaskedforit.”
NobodycaneversayNathanHawkinsdoesn’tknowhowtotakeinstructions.
Hishandspullmedownashedrivesforward,everythrusthasmecryingintohismouth,anddiggingmynailsintohisshoulders.Mylegsareshaking,andeverytimehegoesdeep,mybackarches,andmylegstightenaroundhim.
“Nathan…”
“Iknow,baby.Iknow.”Hisforeheadfallstomine,nosesbrushingagainsteachother,andourmouthscrashtogetherdesperately.“Lookatyoutakingitalllikeagoodfuckinggirl.”
“I’msoclose,”Icry,grippingthebackofhisnecktightlywithonehandandrubbingfranticallybetweenmylegswiththeother.
“Whosepussyisthis,Anastasia?”hegasps,histhrustsgettingrougherandsloppier.
“OhmyGod.Yours.It’syours.”
“Comeforme.Letmefeelyou.”
“Nathan,ohfuck—”
Myentirebodythrashes,tightens,stills,andmeltssimultaneously.Idon’tknowwhichsensationtorunwith,soIsettlefordisintegrating.Hisbodycollapsesontopofmine,chestheaving,bodyshakingasIfeelhimthrobandjerkinsideofme,“Fuuuuuuck.”
Weliethereforminutes,stunnedtosilence,himstillhardinsideme,lazilykissing.I’mnotsurehowanythingissupposedtofeelbetterthanthis,howIcouldeverbeexpectedtosettleforless.
WhenIeventuallygetmybreathback,andthepost-orgasmfogginessbeginstoclear,Irakemyfingersthroughhishair.“Ididn’tmakeyoutellmewhatyouwantasaChristmaspresent,”Igrumble,disappointedinmyselfforgettingdicknotizedandforgetting.
Hesnorts,hisbreathticklingagainstmyneckwherehisheadiscurrentlyresting.“IthinkyoujustgavememyChristmaspresent.”
MerryChristmas,Isuppose.THIRTY|NATHAN
“I’mnotbuyingherfuckinglingerie,”Isayforwhatfeelslikethemillionthtime.
“Hi,canIofferyouanyhelp?”
Weallturninsearchofthepolitevoicethatjustinterruptedtheworld’smostpointlessargument.Thesalesassistantlookslikeshe’sseenaghost,andIsupposeweareallabitintimidatingwhenwe’restaring.
Hercheeksareflushed,butshe’sdoingherbesttomaintaineyecontact,afriendlysmileonherlips.Idon’tenvyanyonewhohastoworkincustomerserviceatthistimeofyear.
“Yeah,youcan.Helpsettlethisargument,please,”JJsays,nudgingmeoutoftheway.“Isbuyingyoursometimes-fuck-buddypajamasaterriblefuckingidea?”Hereyeswidenslightlybutsherecoversquickly.“Don’tyouthinkshe’dprefersomethinglikethis?”Heholdsupthelacecorsetwe’vebeenarguingoverforfifteenminutesandstaresather,waitingforhertotakehisside.
IpunchhiminthebicepashardasIcan.“Don’tcallherafuckbuddy.Thatisn’twhatsheis.”
“He’sright,Jaiden,”Henrysays,withanobnoxioussmirkthattellsmehe’sabouttomakemepissed.“Youcan’tcallherhisfuckbuddywhenshehasn’tlethimanywherenearherinamonth.She’shisbuddyatthispoint.”
Iobviouslyhaven’ttoldanybodyaboutlastnight.Orthismorning.ClampingmyhandoverhermouthtostopherfromwakingeveryoneupandfeelinghersqueezetheshitoutofmebareishowIspentmymorning.BasedonthefactthatHenrythinksI’mchillinginthefriendzoneprovesthatwe’regettingbetteratbeingdiscreet.
Afterspendingalllastnight—andthismorning—makingupfortheweekswebehaved,I’msurprisedIevenhavetheenergytowalkaroundthismall.
Thegirlsnortsloudly,andherhandfliestohermouthinhorror.Sherecoversquickly,though,andputshercustomerservicesmilebackon.“I’msorry,uh,underwearisquiteanintimategift,somaybeifyou’reunsure,Iwouldsaypajamasmightbethesafestoptionforyou.”
“WhatifIbuyherlingerie?Whatthen?”JJteases,pickingupthematchingpantiesandholdingthemagainstHen’sbody.
Henryhasbeencheckingoutthesalesgirlsinceshefloatedoverhere,andnowIthinkshe’llstruggletoshakethelookofhimwithlingeriepressedupagainsthimfromhermemory.HeblushesandpushesJJaway,callinghimsomethingnotveryChristmassyunderhisbreath.
Iscratchatthestubbleonmyjawandhuff,mainlybecauseIcouldbeinbedballsdeepinStassierightnow,butI’mhere,inMapleHillsMall,withthesetwojackasses.“IthinkFaulknerwillbeevenmorepissedatmeifIripoffallyourlimbs.”
Ilookbackattherackofpajamasbesideus,andIthinktheonesIhavearethenicest.Shespecificallysaidshewantedsomenicepajamasthatshecouldweararoundtheguys.Shefeelscomfortablearoundtheboysinmyhouse,butsometimeswhensheheadsdownstairstogetadrinkinaT-shirt,someoftheotherhockeyguysshedoesn’tknowaswellarearoundplayingCOD,andshefeelsalittlebitawkward.
Plus,ifIweregoingtobuyherlingerie,Iwouldn’tbedoingitwithfuckingJJandHenry.
IcanhearHenryterrorizingthepoorgirl,accusingherofflinchingorsomething.“Leaveheralone,Hen,”Igrumble,pickingupsomefloralpajamasandholdingthemagainsttheonesI’dalreadypicked.
IleavethemalltoitasIexploretheothernearbyoptions.WhenIcircleback,IhearHenrytellingheraboutourbigreddoorbowandsayinghisroommatesareattentionseekers,whichmakesmesnort,butJaidenlooksoffended,whichmakesitevenfunnier.
Shebreathesoutaheavysigh.“Okay.”
“Okay,like,seeyoulater?”Henrysaysinaweirdlycheerfulvoice.IdiscreetlylookatJJ,whoisalreadylookingatmewithasurprisedexpression.Normallywedon’tseethemagichappen,orevenbetter,wehavetositandwatchwomenthrowthemselvesatHenry.
Thisgirlispretty,soIcanseewhyhe’sinterested;tallandlean,longsilkybrownhair,bigbrowneyes,fulllips,andglowybrownskin.I’dsayshe’sHenry’stypebutI’mnotevensurewhatthatisbecauseI’veneverseenhimwiththesamegirltwiceandtheyalllookdifferent.
“What’syourname?”heshoutsasshetriestoescape.
“Uh.”Poorgirlisprobablymakingitup.“Gen.”
“Bye,Gen!”JJandIshout,ignoringtheweirdstaresfromtheotherpeopleinthestore.
Afteranothertenminutes,IdecideIcan’tdecidesoI’mgoingtobuyboth,muchtoJJ’sannoyance.ImakethetwoofthemstandoutsidewhileIheadtothecashregistertopay,andassoonaswe’redoneI’mgoinghome.I’vealreadyboughthermainpresents,soIthinkI’mallset.Istepuptothecounterandputtheitemsdown,immediatelygettingashockwhenSummeristhepersonservingme.
“Hey,stranger,”shesayspolitely,pullingthepajamasclosertoherandscanningthetags.“Sister?”
“No.”Whatisshe?“Anastasia.”
“Oh.IsawthatvideobutIdidn’trealizeyouweretogether…”shesays,tappingawayontheregister.
“We’re…uh,she’samazing.”Ihandovermycreditcard,stillnotsurewhatI’msupposedtocallhertopeople.“Areyoucomingtothepartylater?IthinkHenryjustbulliedoneofyourstaffintocoming.”
“Nottonight,sorry.”Sheputsthepajamasinthebagandholdsoutthehandletome,anditallfeelsawkward.NotliketheSummerIknowatall.“We’regoingtoaserviceatCami’schurchwithherfamily,andBriarfliestoNewYorktomorrowforChristmas.She’sgotanearlyflight,sowe’renotdrinking.”
“IthoughtBwasfromEngland?”
“Sheis.HerparentsrelocatedtoNewYorklastyear.Twoofhersiblingsgotoschoolthere.HersisterDaisyisatMapleHills,though.”
“Wow.Ineverrealizedherfamilywassobig.”
Shenods,forcingasmile.“I’veputyourreceiptinthebag,Ihopeshelikesthem.HaveagoodChristmas,Nate.”
“Youtoo,Summer.”
Well,thatwasunnecessarilyawkward
Bythetimewegetbacktothehouse,itlookslikeSantathrewuponit.
IthinkSabrinaextraspikedtheeggnogbecauseStassieisextrabouncyasshedancesaroundthedeninherelfoutfit.She’scallingitanelfoutfitbutwhatshe’sactuallywearingisatinygreendresswithelfshoesshegotfromacostumestore.
Robbie’shadmeputtingrandomshotglassesandcupsonaTwistermat,andinsteadofhelping,HenryhasbeenchattingawaytoStasandBrin.Earlier,ImadewhatI’mnowconsideringamistake:ItoldthegirlsthatHenryhadhitonagirlwhilewewereChristmasshopping;nowthey’reobsessed.
AnastasiaimmediatelystartedaskingaboutsomeonecalledDaisy,whomIapparentlystoppedHenhookingupwith.ThiswasthesecondtimethisafternoonIwashearingthenameDaisy.DidHenryhaveathingwithBriar’ssister?Ididn’tremembermeetingherifhehad.Thenithitmethatithappenedmonthsago,whenHenrythreatenedtotakemygirloffme.
JJappearswiththenewgirlinquestion,plusafriend,andIcanseeStassietryingnottobetooobviouswithherstaring.RobmaneuvershimselftothetopofthematandclearshisthroatinaveryRobbie-esquewaytocaptureeveryone’sattention.
Takingasipofmybeer,Ikindoflovewatchinghiminhiselementofbeingthecenterofattention.“WelcometothefirstofficialdrunkTwistergame.Therulesofthegameareverysimple:youtouchit,youdrink.”
Bobbydigsmeintheribsandshouts,“Nameofyoursextape,”earningamiddlefingerfromRob.
“Thegameendswhensomeonefalls,takestheirhandorfootoffthemat,ortheyrefusetodrink.Stassie,JJ,Joeareplaying,weneedtwomore,”Robbiecontinues.
Henrymovestoputhiscuponthewindowsillbesideme.“I’lldoit.”
Stassiepointsatmeandmouths,You,butbeforeIcanvolunteermyself,JJshoutsup.“Genisplaying!”
Thepoorgirllooksmortifiedwheneveryoneturnstolookather.IcanhearMattieandKriswhisperingaboutherbeinghot,buthereyesareononeperson,andhe’slookingrightbackather.Ican’tdecideifJJisplayingmatchmakerorhe’shopingGenendsupintertwinedwithhimsohecanpissoffHenry.
Robbieclapshishandsandfuckinghell,it’slikebeingatpracticewithBrady.I’dnevernoticeduntilI’vespentsometimeawayfromFaulkner,butRobbieisaminiversionofhim.HeclearlyhasalittlebitofBradyinhimtoo.“Stas,Joe,youtwostandatthisend.Henry,goovertherewithJJandGen.Everyonetaketheirshoesoffand,uh,maybestretch?Idon’tknow.”
Stassiebouncesovertomewithabigdrunkgrin.Shekicksoffherelfshoesandwrapsherarmsaroundmyneck,pressinghermouthtomineandgigglingtoherself.“Guardmyshoeswithyourlife.”
Shedoesn’tevenletmerespondbeforeshe’sbouncingbackoverandhigh-fivingJoe.Ifanyonedidn’tknowwhatwasgoingonbetweenus,theydoaftertonight.Fromtheminutethepartystartedwe’vebeengluedtoeachotheronewayoranother.Ourfriendsdon’tcare,although,Ithinksomemoneyhaschangedhandspayingbets.
IturnmyattentionbacktoRobbie.“Doyouknowhowtonotbebossy?”
“Shutthefuckup,Hawkins,”hesnapsback,rollinghiseyes.WindingRobbieuphasbeenmymainsourceofentertainmentforaboutfifteenyears,andIhavenoplanstostopnow.
Heeventuallystopsarguingwithmeandstartsthegame.Thegirlsonlygetfeetmoves,butJoeandJJarevery,veryintertwined.
“Stas,righthandyellow,”RobbieshoutsoverJJandJoearguingwitheachother.ThesecondshebendsoverIrealizewhyallmyfriendsstartedlookingatmethesecondRobbiecalledouthermove.
Henryhuffsassoonasherhandlandsonyellow.“Anastasia,pleasegetyourassoutofmyface.”
“Itisn’teveninyourface!”
Herassisdefinitelyinhisface.Tomakeitworse,herdressisonlyjustcoveringherass;ifitrisesanymore,thewholehockeyteam,plusanyoneelsewatching,isgoingtoseeallthehickeysI’veleftontheinsideofherthighs.
“Nathan,”heshouts,twistinghisnecktosearchmeoutinthecrowdofonlookers.“What’syourbloodpressurelikerightnow?”
Yeah,thekidknowsme.“Prettyhigh,buddy.”
“See!Becauseyourassisinmyface.You’regoingtokillhim.”
ThegamegoesonuntilHenryliftshishandoffthemattoflirtwithGen,andAnastasiaimmediatelybouncesbackovertome,reclaiminghershoes.
Shecreepsontohertiptoes,brushingherlipsagainstminelightlyandloweringhervoice.“Betweenmylegsisaching,butIwantyousobadly.”
Yeah,Henry’sright.She’sgoingtokillme.
***
I’velostmyelf.
WhileIwasinthebathroom,theguyssnoopedonHenry,whohadmysteriouslydisappearedintoourlaundryroomwithGen.TheirindiscreetlurkingscaredthepoorgirloffandruinedHenry’schances,andhehasvowedtogetrevengeonthemall.I’veneverbeensorelievedtonotbeinvolved.
Ihaven’tgotwhatittakestogoheadtoheadwithHenryoverAnastasia.IfIhadbeentherewhentheycockblockedhimtakingGenupstairsandInowcouldn’tfindStas,thefirstplaceI’dbecheckingisHenry’sroom.
Thereisnothingsexualabouttheirrelationship,butIgenuinelythinkAnastasiawouldbeperfectlyhappyhavingaplatonicmarriagewithhim.
CatchingupwithsomepeoplewhomIhaven’tseeninawhile,Itrymybesttofendoffthequestionsaboutmenotplaying,allwhilekeepinganeyeoutformygirl.
Sheeventuallyappearsonthebottomstepofthestairs,hereyesscanningaroundtheroom.Hergreendressisn’tvisibleanymorebecauseshe’swearingaTitansT-shirtthatdrownsherbody.
Ifeelweirdwatchingherfromacrosstheroom,butshe’ssofuckingbeautiful,Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffherevenifIwantedto.Sheeventuallyspotsmeinthekitchen,crackingabreathtakingsmile,andthesatisfactionIfeelwhenIrealizeshewaslookingformeisunmatched.
She’shalfwayacrossthelivingroomwhenarmswraparoundher,stoppingherinhertracks,andanuncomfortablefeelingsettlesinmystomach.
Hisheadburiesinherneck,andmybloodpressureisbackontheup.DoIhavearighttobejealous?Imean,she’snotmygirlfriend,butshe’smysomething.WillIalwaysbeabitjealousofRyanRothwell?Maybe,butIhopenot.
IknowOliviabrokethingsoffwithhim.Anastasiahadacoffeedatewithhimyesterday,andhetoldherOliviahasbaggageandalwayshadonefootoutofthedoor.Doeshethinkthathe’sgoingtogetAnastasiabacknow?
I’mtryingnottointerruptbutit’shardtostayput.Fightingmyinstinctsishard,butnothinggoodhasevercomeformetryingtoforceexclusivityonher.Ithinkhewastalkinginherear,becausesheunravelshisarmsandtakesabigstepawayfromhim.
Ican’thearbecauseofthemusicbutIcanseethathe’sdrunkashell,touchingherateverychancehecanget.Shegiveshimafriendlyhug,hopefullybecauseshe’sendingtheconversation,andhebendsdowntokissthecrownofherhead.Whenshetakesanotherstepback,helooksuptoseemestaringrightatthem;hishandscratchesathisjawawkwardlyandhegivesmeasheepishsmile.
I’mstillwatchingRyanshuffleabout,lookinguncomfortable,whenIfeelherarmswraparoundmywaist.“Soyoucouldseemethen.Whydidn’tyousaveme?”shegrumbles,creepingontohertiptoestokissthecornerofmymouth.
“Ididn’tknowyouneededsaving.”Herbigblueeyesarestaringupatme,andhereyebrowspinchtogether.“Iknowhe’sagoodfriend.Ididn’twantyoutothinkIwasinterfering.”
“Uh,okay,Mr.Diplomatic.”Herarmslinkaroundmyneck.“Nexttime,saveme.IloveRyan,he’sagreatfriend,buttheonlymanIwantwrappedaroundmeisyou.”
Shit.“Noted.”
“He’satouchypersonandhe’sdrunk,butIputhimstraight.Don’tholditagainsthim;Ithinkhe’ssadaboutLiv.”
Ifeelrelievedrightnow.Icouldhavestormedoffthesecondhetouchedher,orworse,stormedoverthereandstartedsomedrama.Icouldhavejumpedtoconclusionsandfuckedeverythingup.Brushingthehairawayfromherface,Ituckitbehindherears,restingmyhandsoneachsideofherneck,rubbinggentlyasshelooksupatme.“Whatdidyousaytohim?”
“ItoldhimI’mwithyouandhecouldn’tbeallovermebecauseIdon’twantyoutogetthewrongidea.Isthatokay?I’msorry,Ididn’tknowwhattosay.”
Shebouncesaboutnervously,theelfshoesstillonherfeet.Ileandowntopressmylipsagainsthers,savoringthewayhertonguemovesagainstmine.“Soundsperfecttome.”THIRTY-ONE|ANASTASIA
BeingaroundacampfireremindsmeofcampingwhenIwasyounger.
Myparentsplowedeverysparedollartheyhadintoskating,sowecouldn’taffordtogoonexoticorluxuriousholidayswhenIwasakid.ButeverysummerwewouldcampatSnoqualmiePassforafewnights,andIlovedit.
I’dhelpDadbuildacampfire,andMomwouldpreparethestufffors’mores,thenwe’dsitinfrontofthefireallnight,playingcards.
Acampfireinthebackyardofabig-asshouseinMapleHillsisn’tquitethesameastheWashingtonwilderness,butthecompanyisgood.Thepartystartedtonaturallygetlouderthemoredrunkpeoplegot,sotheguysthoughtitwouldbeagreattimetoheadoutsideandsitonhugecomfycampingchairs,drinkbeer,andtalknonsenselikeoldwomen.
I’vestartedtosoberupaftermyexcessiveshottakingfromearlier.Now,I’mjustleftfeelingsleepyandneedy.Robbieisextremelypleasedwithhisnewgamebuthasdecidedthatnexttime,he’sgoingtotakeawaythecupsofsodatomakeitworseandputanotherpersononthemat.Ididn’tevenknowtherewassodaonofferbecauseallIgotwastequila.
I’mgratefulthatHenrythrewthegamebecauseIwasseriouslygoingtovomit.WhenImanagedtograbhimafterGen-gate,hesaidhetookhishandoffthematonpurposebecausehewasworriedshewasgoingtoaccidentallyexposeherself.Isaidwhataboutmeandtheriskofmeexposingmyself?Hesaiditwasonlyamatteroftimeuntilthathappenedanyway,andIshouldprobablyinvestinsomepants.
He’sinabadmoodnowbecausewhenhetriedtofindhismistletoegirl,sheandherfriendwerenowheretobefound.Hedidn’tthinktogethernumberor,youknow,herfullname.
Thecrackleofthefireisrelaxing,tothepointwhereImightfallasleepoutside.Itdoesn’thelpthatI’mcurleduponNathan’slapunderablanket,hishandticklingupanddownmylegandhisotherarmcradlingmelikeI’mababy.Itsoundsstrange,butI’mridiculouslycomfortable.He’slaughingawaywithhisfriends,talkingaboutsports,andsippingonabeer.Hekeepsname-droppingsportspeopleI’veneverheardof,whichishelpingmestayzonedout.
Everysooftenhelooksdownandkissesmeontheforehead,checkingthatI’mcomfortableenoughandI’mwarmenough.Thenhewrapstheblanketaroundmetighterandmakessurenoneofmeisexposed.
There’sawarm,fullfeelinginmyheartwhenI’maroundthisteam.It’sunfamiliarbutfamiliaratthesametime;acontradiction,Iknow,butsospecificthatitfeelslikeitwasspecificallydesignedforme.It’sthefeelingIdidn’tknowIneededuntiltheseguyscrashedtheirwayintomylifethreemonthsago.
Everysecondthatpassesmakesithardertokeepmyeyesopen,hisheartbeatdrumssoftlyagainstwheremycheekisrestinglikealullaby,andeventually,Ican’tfightitanymoreandmyeyesflutterclosed.
I’mnotsurehowlongI’vebeenoutwhentheshoutingshakesmefrommydeepsleep,butit’sNatespringingtohisfeetthatproperlywakesmeup.
It’slikewhenyou’redreaming,andyoufeelyourselffallingsoyoujerkawakeandadrenalinesoarsthroughyoursystem.Myskinfeelslikeit’sbuzzingasNateharshlylowersmeontotheseathejustvacated.Onequicklookaroundthecampfireshowsalltheguysjumpingupandrunningtowardthehouse.
“Stayhereanddon’tmove,”Natesays,beforerunningtowardthehousetoo.
Iunraveltheblanketwrappedaroundmybodyandstandtofollow,butashereachesthebackdoor,Nateturnstolookatme.“Sitthefuckdown,Anastasia.”
I’mfrozenonthespot,halfreadytoruninandhalfunwillingtoignoreNathan,bothbecauseIknowsomethingbadisclearlyhappening.MyphonestartsringingandIscrambletofindit,finallygrabbingitfromunderneaththeseat.
“Whereareyou?”Sabrinashoutsoverthenoiseonherend.
“Thebackyard.What’sgoingon?”Iask,joggingtowardthebackdoor.
“There’safight.Stayoutside,I’llfindyouwhentheystop.”
“Who’sfighting?”Pleasedon’tsay,Nathan
“Idon’tknow!I’minRobbie’sroom,Icanjusthearit.”
ThereisnoonehangingoutinthedenwhenIwalkthroughthedoorsfromthebackyard;they’reallhuddledinthearchwaytothekitchenandlivingroom.
Thecrashingandshoutingaremakingmefeelsick,andsoisthefactthatIcan’tseeanyoftheboys,whichmeansthatthey’reontheothersideofthecrowd.Beingfivefootfourhassomeadvantages,butrightnow,pushingthroughacrowdofdrunkpeople,ithaszero.
I’mpantingbythetimeImakemywaythroughthegathering.WhenIfinallygettothesourceofthenoise,myheartsinkstomystomach.
KrisandJoearepullingBobbyoffsomeguyinonecorner,andMattieandJJarepullingHenryoffsomeoneelseinanother.Mybloodfeelscorrosive,rushingaroundmybodyasmyheartpumpserratically.
Scanningtheroomfrantically,IspotNathan,pinningsomeonetothewallbytheirthroat.Bloodispouringoutofbothoftheirfaces,Nate’sfacehardashesayssomethingtotheguythroughgrittedteeth.It’snotuntilJJleavesHenrytopullNathanofftheguythatIrealizetheguyNathanispinningisAaron.
Ican’tmove.
Aaron’sfaceisswollenandcut;hedoesn’tevenspotmeastheguyHenrywasfightingwithdragshimoutofthedoor.
“Everybodyout!”JJshouts,whensomeoneturnsoffthemusic.“Getthefuckoutnow!”
IfeellikeMufasagettingstampedaseveryonestartspushingpastmetoleave.IneedtomovebutIcan’t.Howthefuckdidthishappen?WhyisAaronevenhere?
Feelingatugonmyhand,Ifollow,lettingSabrinadragmeoutofthewaytowhereRobbieissittingwithhisheadinhishands.
I’veneverseenapartyemptysoquickly.Thelastpersonleaves,andthedoorslamsshut,whichseemstogiveRobbietheprivacyhewants.“Whatthefuckwereyouthinking?”hebellows.“You’reallluckythefuckingcopsaren’there!”
JJshrugsashedropsontothecouch,wipingthebloodfromhislipwiththebackofhishand.“Haditcoming.”
I’mtoobusystaringattheirbustedfacesandhandstonoticeNathanstepinfrontofme.“Itoldyoutowaitoutside,”hesaysangrily.
“Iwasworried.”AsfarasChristmasgrottosgo,thisonenowlookslikeonefromnightmares.There’satreeonitssidewithornamentsdecoratingthefloorinsteadofitsbranches,andhalfofthefairylightsonthewallshavebeenpulleddown.Joeappearswithanarmfulofbeerbottlesandstartshandingthemout,whichannoysmebecausebeershouldn’tbethepriorityhere.
“Doyouguyshaveafirstaidkit?”
“Youcouldhavebeenhurt,Anastasia!”Nateyells,makingmejump.
“Me?I’mnottheonewiththebleedingface!Willsomeonepleasetellmewhatthefuckisgoingon?”Iyellback.
“AaronwasdrunkandmouthingoffwithsomeguysIdon’tknow,”Natesays,takingthecoldbeerfromJoeandholdingitagainsthisjaw.“TypicalAaronbull.”
“Soyoubeattheshitoutofhim?Really,Nathan?WithSkinneronyourassyouthought,let’smakethiswholesituationsomuchworse?”Robbiemovesnexttome,passingthefirstaidkitintomyshakinghands.“Sitdown!”IsnapatNate,apparentlyinascaryenoughwaythathedoesitwithoutafight.
Itlookslikethey’repreparedforthissituationbecauseRobbiegivesadifferentfirstaidkittoBrinandshebeginstowipethebloodfromBobby’sface.He’swincingwitheverytouch,andshejusttutsloudly.“Ohshutup,youbigbaby.”
“You’reshoutingatthewrongman,Stas,”Nathansays,hissingwhenIwipethealcoholsolutionacrossthecutonhischeek.“Iwasstoppingthefight.WhichiswhyyoushouldhavestayedoutsidewhereIleftyou.”
“Youdon’tgettobemadatmerightnow!”
“Idowhenyouignoremeandputyourselfinharm’sway!”
Iwanttokisshimandstranglehim.Screamathimandtakecareofhim.Careless,recklessman.Hegripsmywristslightlywitheachhand,slowlyloweringthem.It’snotuntilhissteadyhandsareonmethatIrealizemineareshaking.
“IhitAaron.Youcanshoutatme,Stassie.”
PerhapstheonepersonIwasn’texpectingtohearthatfromisHenry,buthereheis,sippingabeerandpressinganicepacktothesideofhishead.Hedoesn’tlookguilty,thereisnohintofremorseinhisvoice.HewasjustsimplyinformingmethathehitAaron.
“Whatthefuck,Henry?”Isqueak,brushingNate’shandsoffmewhenhemovesupmyarmsandtriestosqueezemyshoulders.
I’mstillmadathimandhedoesn’tgetafreepassjustbecauseHenrywantstobeMuhammadAli.
“I’mnotgoingtoapologize.”
“Igotabustedfacesplittingupthebullshityoucaused,”Nateshoutsathim,pressingaBand-Aidtohischeek.“You’regonnafuckingapologizetoherifshewantsanapology.”
“Youwantmetorepeatthethingshesaysabouther?Sosheunderstandswhyhedeservedit?”Henrysays,lookingstraightatNathan,faceemotionless.“He’sapieceofshitandI’mnotsorry.You’reonlypissedatmebecauseyoushouldhavedoneitmonthsago.”
“Watchit,kid,”Natesnaps,andmystomachsinks.
“Atleastyourbanwouldhavebeenworthit.Hecameherelookingtostartshit.Hesucceeded.Endofstory.”
“Whatdoyoumeanwhathesaysaboutme?CanyoustoptalkingaboutmelikeI’mnothere?”
Everyone’seyesareonme,butnooneissayinganything.Itfeelslikescreamingintoavoid.It’slikethere’sahugesecretandI’mtheonlyonewhowasn’tcluedin.
“Itdoesn’tmatter,Stassie,”Robbiemutters.“Youcan’tjustfuckingfightpeoplefortalkingshit,Hen.”
“Ihappentodisagree,”JJsays,standingfromthecouchtograbanotherbeer.“Justgivemetheheads-upnexttimeyeah,Hen?Iwasabouttoscoreandyourlittledramaticscockblockedme.ConsiderusevenfortheGenthing.”
“Cansomeonepleaseexplaintomewhatthefuckisbeingsaidaboutme!”Ishoutoverthemchattinglikesomehowthissituationisnormal.
Sabrinaistotallyunfazedassheexamineseachofthemforinjuries,movingontothenextwhenshe’scleanedallthecuts.
“Brinny,howareyousocalm?”Theadrenalineiswellandtrulywornoff;Ifeelexhausted,andIhaven’tevendoneanythingotherthangetmoreandmoreconfusedandshout.
SheshrugsandkicksatNathanwithherfootuntilhegetsthemessageandshufflesalongenoughforhertositdownbesideme.“Ihavebrothers.Ourhouselookedlikethismostdays—thisistame.”ShelooksatNathanandscowls.“Makeyourselfusefulandgogetheradrink,Rocky.”
Shewrapsanarmaroundmeandkissesmeontheforehead.“Sometimesit’sbetternottoknowwhatpeoplesaybehindyourback,honey.IthinkwebothknowAaronisasnakeylittleshit,andwhenyougetbackfromColoradoitmightbetimeforustotalkaboutourlivingsituation.”Itiltmyheadtorestitonhershoulder.“Don’tbetoohardonhim,”shewhispers.“HewasprotectingHenry.”
Nathanreappearswithtwobottlesofwaterinonehand,holdingouthisothertome.“Let’sgotobed.”He’snotasking,he’stelling,andasmuchasIwanttostaydownhere,IfeellikeI’mmorelikelytogetanswersfromhimalone.
Brinkissesmeontheheadagain.“Go,I’llseeyouinthemorning.”THIRTY-TWO|NATHAN
HowthefuckamIinmoretroublethanHenry?
She’sstompingaroundnakedgettingreadyforbed,ignoringmyexistence.Icanonlyimaginehowshemustbefeeling,knowingonceagainAaronisinthecenterofanotherfuckingdisaster.
Idon’tevenknowwhathesaidthistime.Henry’srightthough,I’mpissedbecauseIshouldhavedonesomethingweeksago.IseewhyAnastasiawantstogivehimthebenefitofthedoubt,allowhimroomtogrowandbethefriendshebelieveshecanbe.
Fromthestoriesshe’ssharedabouttheirfriendshipandthegoodtimeswithhim,Icanunderstandherreluctancetocuthimoff.TheproblemIhaveisIknowwhathesaysbehindherback,andshedoesn’t.Imadeachoice,rightlyorwrongly,andI’vekeptittomyself.
I’mselfish;Idon’twanttobetheonesheassociateswiththehurtshe’sgoingtofeel.Idon’twanttoseeherfacedropwhensherealizesjusthowmuchofapricktheguyis.
StassiewasfastasleepinmylapwhenIheardthesignaturesoundofshitgoingdown.Fightingisn’tnormallysomethingwehavetodealwithatourparties;weallhaveenoughofitduringgames,wedon’tneedthatkindofshitinourdowntimetoo.
NowwehaveAnastasiaandSabrinaaroundallthetime,theurgetokeepthepeaceismuchbigger.WhenIfinallymadeitinside,HenrywaspoundinghisfistintoAaron’sface,andBobbyandJJwerepullingtwoguysoffhim.Idon’teventhinkHenrynoticedtheywerethereonhim,andthesecondIgothimoffAaron,hestartedonsomeotherguylikeafuckingdouchebag.
IpickedAaronoffthefloor,notstartinganything,justwantinghimtoleave,andheswungforme.Hepuncheslikeakidthat’sneverhadafightbeforeinhislife,buthegotagoodshotatmyfaceandmanagedtosplitmycheekalittle.
I’vebeenhitharderbySabrinawhenI’veeatenthelastofherfavoritecereal.
Pinninghimtothewallbyhisthroat,thetemptationtotakeoutallmyhatredwasunbelievable.Feelinghispulsehammerbeneathmyfingers,mygriptightened,andhiseyeslockedwithmine.HestruggledagainstmeasIthreatenedhim,tellinghimifheevercamebackhere,I’ddosomethinghe’dfinallyhaveareasontogetmeintroubleover
Evenintheheatofthemoment,I’mnotrecklessenoughtonotseethetrapAaronwaslayingout.Skinnerisitchingtopullmeupforeverything;Ican’tgivehimammunition.
Stashuffsassherootsaroundmydesk,movingbooksoutoftheway.Herroutineisveryspecific,soIknowshe’slookingforherhairbrush,becausebrushingherhaircomesafterbrushingherteeth.It’samazinghavingthemostpredictablegirlontheplanet.
“Idon’tmindifyou’reignoringme,Anastasia,”Itellher,watchinghercutebuttswishabout.“BecauseI’mignoringyou.”
Ihearascoff,butshedoesn’tbite.
“AndIknowwhereyourhairbrushis,butIcan’ttellyoubecauseI’mignoringyou.”
Iexpecthertorunoverhereandjumponme,pinmedownanddemandtheinformation.Maybekissitoutofme?Idon’tknow.Aguycanwish.Shedoesn’tthough,notevenclose;shethrowsuphermiddlefingerandkeepssearching.
Herfrustrationisgrowing,soI’mbidingmytime,patientlywaitingforhertocave.Shelooksoveratmesprawledoutonthebed,andIthinkshe’scracking,butinstead,sheworksoutwhereherhairbrushisandcomesstormingover.
Herhandslandonherwaistandherhipsnapstotheside.“Stopstaringatmybreastsandshowmeyourhands.”
“Hi,baby.Nicetohearyourvoiceagain.”
“Iknowyou’rehidingitfromme,andyou’vebeenwatchingmesearchforfifteenminutesknowingyou’vegotit,”shegrumbles,fightinghardtokeepthesmirkfromherlips.She’sfightingheramusementwithherfrustrationbecausesheknowsI’veoutsmartedher.“Ihateyou.”
“IcanneitherconfirmnordenybecauseI’mcurrentlyignoringyou.”
Shetakesastepclosertome;closeenoughformetograbandgiveherbodyatug,causingherbodytotumbleintominewithanoompf
“It’sbehindthepillow,isn’tit?”Myfingersdigintohersidesuntilshe’ssquirming,squealing,andlaughing,andIknowI’vegotherback.“You’resoannoying.”
Herbodyiswarmandsoftagainstmine.Shepeersupatmewithflushedcheeksandarelaxedsmile.Ibrushthestrayhairsfromherface,kissingthetipofhernose.
ShesighsandgentlybrushesunderneaththeBand-Aidonmycheek.“Idon’tneedyoutodefendme,”shewhispers
Hersassy,stubbornnatureiswhatI’vecometoexpect,butsometimessheblindsmewithhervulnerability.
“Iknowyoudon’t,butyou’reworthdefending.Everycut,bruise,everysinglepangofangerorfrustration.It’sallworthit.I’dthrowmylastpunchdefendingyoubecauseyoudeservetohavesomeonebethatpersonforyou,andthere’snoonemorequalifiedforthejobthanme.”
Tearslinetherimofhereyes,threateningtofall,butsheblinksthemaway,suckinginashakybreath.“Kissme.”
Idon’tneedtobetoldtwice,andwhenmylipsmeethers,thingsdon’tfeelsobad.There’ssomethingdifferentaboutus,somethingdeeper,somethingreal.Ican’timaginehowshe’sfeelingrightnow,knowingsomeoneshecaresaboutisbetrayinghertrust.
“IpromiseI’lltellyoueverythinginthemorning,okay?”
“Okay,bub.”
***
She’salreadyawakewhenIopenmyeyes,andIwonderhowlongshe’sbeenoverthinking.
Promisingtotellhereverythingisoneofthethingsonmymindtoo.Herheadisburiedinmychest,legsintertwinedwithmine,andI’mnotsurehowI’meverexpectedtowakeupaloneagain.
“Whatchathinkingabout?”
“Theshowerheadinyourbathroom.”
Myeyebrowraises.“Why?”
“Highpressure.It’smyfavorite.”
Finallyrealizingwhatshe’stalkingabout,Iclimboutofbed,draggingherwithme.Laughingloudly,Islapmyhanddownonherassasshegigglesaway.Shedidn’tbotherputtingonclotheslastnight,soIdumpherstraightintheshower,underthewarmspray,whileItakeoffmyboxers,steppinginbesideher.
“Leg,”Isay,tappingbelowmychest.Sheleansagainstthewallandlooksupatme,amischievousglintinhereyes,effortlesslyliftingherleg.Igrabtheshowerheadfromthewallandturniton,makingsurethestreamisonthemostpowerfulsetting.“Ready?”
Shenods,teethsinkingintoherbottomlip,handsrunningdownmychest.Ipointthespraybetweenherthighs,myownchestheavingwithanticipationashereyesrollback.
“Oh.”Shemoans,herfingerssinkingintomyskin.Itdoesn’ttakelongbecausethepressureissointense.Herbackbeginstoarchandshegripsmetighter;Iknowshe’sthere,soImovetheshowerheadawayandwatchherfacedropasherorgasmdwindlesaway.
Shedoesn’tsayanythingafterawhineleavesherlips,whichI’mprettysurewasinvoluntary,soIputtheshowerheadback,abitfartherawaythistime,andmoveitintinycircles.“Nathan…”
“Yes,baby?”
Hernailsscrapebelowmybellybutton,sendingashudderupmyspine.Herheadistiltedback,mouthsearchingformine.Igripherthroatwithmyfreehandandtugatherbottomlipwithmyteeth.She’salmostthereagain,herlegisshakingagainstmychest,voicedesperate.“Pleaseletmecome.”
“Uh.”Imovetheshowerheadawayagain.“No.”
“You’retorturingme,”shewhinesasIonceagainpointthestreamofwatertowardherclitandletherorgasmbuild.Finallytiredoftheanticipation,Iletherlegdroptothefloorandshewhimpers.“Nate,pleasefuckme.”
“ButIthoughtitwasyourfavorite?”
Herarmslinkaroundmyneckasshecreepsontohertiptoes.“Idon’tlikeanythingmorethanIlikeyou.You’remyfavorite.”
Iscoopherupandturnofftheshower,reachingforatoweltowraparoundherasIstepout.ThesecondIlowerherontothebed,sherollsontoherfrontandsticksherassintheair,cheekrestingagainstthebed,headturnedtowatchme.HowdidIgetsofuckinglucky?
“I’mabouttensecondsfromgettingbackintheshower,Hawkins.Alone.”Shehums,assswayingsidetosideimpatiently.
Islowlycrawltowardheronthebed,takingmytime,ignoringthearmthatreachesouttomakememovequicker.
“Suchaprettypussy,Anastasia,”Ipraise,runningmycockbetweenherfolds,watchingthegoosebumpsspreadacrossherbackwhenthetipnudgesher.
“Hurryupandfuckitthen.”ShesighswhenIlinemyselfup.“Please.”
“Soimpatient,”Icoo,holdingontoherhipstightlyasIplungeintoher,gaspingathowwetsheis.
Myeyesrolltothebackofmyheadasshegripsmesofuckingtight.Shestartsbackinguponme,herplumpassslappingoffmyhipsasshefucksherself,breathymoansasshecriesout.
“Shit,you’reperfect.”Igroan,headfallingback.
Isitbackontotheheelsofmyfeetandpullherbodyflushagainstmine,lettinghersinkdownontoeveryinch.
“You’retoobig.”
“Youcantakeit,though.”
I’mclose.I’msofuckingclose.Thesoundofherskinslappingagainstmineissecondonlytohearinghermoanmynameandseeingherplaywithhertits.Islipmyhandbetweenherlegsandrubherswollenclit,usingmyotherhandtotiltherheadtowardme.“Areyougoingtocomeforme?”
“Ahh.”
“Whosegirlareyou?”
Hereyeslockwithmine,takingmybreathaway.“Yours.”
“That’sright,baby,”Icooproudly.“I’malmostthere…”
Shemustseeitasachallenge,becausehermovementsbecomesloppyandroughassheslamsherselfdownhardoverandover.Herbodyisshaking,armsreachingbehindhertosinkintomyhairandtugtightly.Theneveryinchofhertightensandshepracticallyscreams,“Nathan,ohmy,ohfuck—”
That’sallIneededforhertotipmeovertheedge;myballstightenandIfuckingexplodeinsideher,sweatyforeheadfallingtohershoulder.
Idon’twanttolethergo,butIhavetobecause,asunbelievableascominginsideofheris,it’smessyandkindofruinsthemoment.
“Yougonnagetmeawarmclothliketheydoinromancenovels?”sheteases.
“IcanofferyousometoiletpaperandmaybeawetwipeifIhaveany.”
Tuttingplayfully,sheawkwardlystandsfromthebedandwaddlestowardthebathroomasmycumrunsdowntheinsideofherthigh.“I’mgoingtostartmakingyouwearcondomsagain.You’regettingtoobigforyourboots.”
“StoptellingmeIhaveabigdickifyoudon’twantmetohaveabigego!”Ishoutafterher,smilingatthelaughterthatcomesoutofthebathroom.Aftershe’dcleanedherselfup,Stassiewantedtogetbackintobedandcuddle.WhoamItosaynotothat?
“Sowhatdoesbeingyourgirlentail?”sheaskscarefully,fingertracingpatternsonmychest.
Ithinkaboutitforaminute,knowinghowcarefullyIneedtoplaythiswithoutfuckingitallup.“It’sbasicallyeverythingyoualreadyareanddo,Ijustgettocallyoumygirlwithoutfearofscaringyouoff.”
“AndwhatdoIcallyou?Ican’tcallyoumyboy,that’sjustweird.”
“Youcouldcallmethat…oryourboyfriend.Orwhateveryouwant,whatevermakesyourlittlecommitmentphobeheartfeelcomfortable.”
She’squietforalittlelongerthanI’dlike.
“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatyoucallme,Stassie.Titlesdon’tmatterbecauseIgetyouregardless.IknowI’mabitfull-onandIjoke,butIwantyoutoknowI’veneverdonethisbeforeeither.I’veneverhadagirlfriendandI’venevercommittedtoanyone.Threemonthsdoesn’tseemlikealongtime,butI’maguywhoknowswhenhe’ssure.I’msureaboutyou.”
“I’msureaboutyoutoo,”shewhispers,runningherthumbacrossthecutonmycheek.“Iknowthingshavebeenmessyandchaotic,andI’mgratefulyou’vestuckwithmethroughitall.”
Iscratchatmystubbleawkwardly.“I,uh,IthinkI’vebeentoblameforalotofthemessandthechaos,tobehonest,baby.SoI’mgratefulyou’vestuckwithmethroughitall.”
She’squietandpensive,butIjustlether,givinghertimewithherthoughts.I’mstartingtodozeoffwhensheclearsherthroat,“I’mreadytohearwhat’sbeensaidaboutme.CanwegetHenry?”
I’vebeendreadingthis,whichiswhyIwaswillingtofoolaroundearlier.Shewasclearlylookingforadistraction,too,butmaybeknowingwilldohergood.“Ofcourse,I’llgogethim.Maybeputsomepantsonsohecan,y’know,cope.”
Shehitsmesoftlyonthearmandlaughs.“Ithinkwe’reallunderestimatingHenry.”
Ithinkshe’sright.THIRTY-THREE|ANASTASIA
ConsideringHenrystartedafightwiththreeguyslastnight,he’ssurprisinglychipper,andfromwhatIcansee,hedoesn’thaveascratchonhim.
Henryflouncesintotheroom,shovelingcerealintohismouth,andthrowshimselfatthebottomofthebed.HisfacetwistsashelooksbetweenmeandNate.“Itsmellslikesexinhere.”
“You’reonthinice,Turner.”Nategruffs,climbingbackontothebedbesideme.
“You’dthinksexwouldchillyououtbutapparentlynot,grumpy,”hemutters,spooninginanothermouthfulofLuckyCharms.
“IassumeyouknowwhyIaskedNathantogetyou,”Isay,interruptingwhatwillmostlikelyescalateintoanonsensicalargument.
Heputshisnow-emptybowlbesidehimandcrosseshislegs,leaningbackagainstthebedframe.“Ihopeit’snotforathreesomebecauseyou’renotmytype.”
Nate’sheadfallsback,hishandrubbinghisforeheadashestaresattheceiling,groaning.Ihopeit’snotamigraine,butifanyoneisgoingtoinduceonetoday,it’llbeHenry.Natelooksbackathim.“Dude.”
“WhatdoyoumeanI’mnotyourtype?”Ihiss.
“You’retooshort,”hesaysbluntly.“You’relikewhat?Five-three?Five-four?Gottabefive-nineorabovetoride.”
Alotofbadstuffhashappenedrecently,andthisisbyfartheabsoluteworst.Imean,technicallyIsortofhaveaboyfriendnow,althoughthatwordcurrentlymakesmefeelalittleunwell.
“Iwanttofileacomplaint.Thisisdiscrimination.”
“Baby,I’mrighthere?”Natesays,raisinganeyebrow.
Henrychuckles,winkingatNate.“It’sagoodjobbecauseIthinkAnastasiawantsme.”
“Rememberwhenyouwerequiet?”Natedrawls.“Imissthosetimes.”
Rollingmyeyes,InudgemyshoulderintoNate.“We’reofftopic.Hen,youhavetotellmewhatthehellstartedlastnight.”
Mypalmsaresweating,stomachtwistingwithanticipation.Iwanttoknowandatthesametime,Idon’twanttoknow.
“Idon’twanttotellyou,Anastasia,”Henrysays.“NotbecauseIwanttolietoyou,butbecauseIdon’tseewhatyougainfromknowing.Hewastalkingshit,Ihithim,andheleft.Youdon’tneedtoeverlivewithhimagain,evennextyearwhenNateandJJaregone,I’llstillbeheretolookoutforyou.”
IfeelliketheGrinchwhenhisheartgrewthreesizes,theloveIhaveforHenryisoverwhelming.Idon’tthinkheevenrealizeshowsweetheis.Butsweetornot,mybrainisgoingtocarryoncreatingsituationsinmyheaduntilIknow.
“I’dstillliketoknow,Hen.Imean,youtookonthreeguys;itmusthavebeenbad.Ididn’tevenknowyouknewhowtofight.”
HelooksatmelikeI’vegottwoheads,facescrunching.“I’mahockeyplayer,studyart,andIhavetwomoms.YouthinkI’veneverhadtohitsomeonebefore?”
“Allright,toughguy,”Natedrawls.“Let’snotpretendyoudidn’tgrowupinthecushyMapleHillssuburbs.Tellher,shehasarighttoknow.”
Henrysighsandnods.“IwaslookingforGenwhenInoticedhimcomeinwithtwoguys.Theywereclearlydrunk.Aaronaskedwhereyouwere,soItoldhimtoleave.Hesaidhewouldn’t,soIpunchedhim.”
Myeyesnarrowashelookseverywherebutme.“You’relyingtome.”
“Idon’tlie,Anastasia.”
“Iknowyoudon’t,sowhyareyoulyingnow?Tellmewhathesaid.”
Nathansighsandtugsmybodyclosertohisside,pressinghislipstomytemple.“ItstartedatthebeginningofOctober.ItwasrightafterIaskedyoutobringBrintoRobbie’sbirthdayparty.Saidhe’denjoywatchingyoudropmelikeyoudowitheveryoneelse.”
“Andthenwhat?”
Hisfingersgentlystrokeupanddownmyback.Henrysitssilentlyoppositeus.“Everytimewehadpracticeafteryouandyou’dgointothelockerroom,he’dhangaroundBradytellingheryou’redistracted,you’reoutofcontrolatparties,drinkingandhookingupwithstrangers.Itwentonforweeksuntiloneday,Bradyfuckinglostitwithhim.”
“Wedidn’thearwhathesaid,”Henryinterjects.“Butshesaidifhehadsuchanissuewithhowyouskate,heshouldlookforanewpartner.Thiswasrightbeforehegothurt.”
CoachBradyhasbeenalotnicertomethisyear,butIassumeditwaspityafteralltheshitwe’vebeenthrough.She’sstillscaryashell,butI’venoticedshe’snotbeenasquicktopickmeapartlikeshehadbeenpreviously.Itneveroccurredtomeshedidn’twanttogiveAaronammunition.
“Okay,sohewastalkingshituptoHalloween.Hespenttwoweeksgluedtomyside,ImadeupwithNate,andIstartedstayinghere.It’snearlyChristmas,sowhatareyoumissingout.”
Henrysighs,rubbinghisjawwithhishand.“Tim,aguyfromtheteam,wasataTitansbasketballgameandwassittingbehindAaron.Timdidn’tthinkthetwoguyshewaswithwerefromMapleHills.”
“AllofAaron’sfriendsgotoUCLA,soheneverbotheredmakingfriendshere,”Iexplain.“Hewassupposedtogotherewiththem,buthegotacceptedhere.It’showweendeduptogether,wewerebothpairskaterswhosepartnersdidn’tgetanofferfromUCMH.”
“Itmighthavebeenthem,Idon’tknow.ButTimcouldhearhimtalkingaboutyou.HesaidRyanghostedyoubecauseherealizedyou’rejustajerseychaser.”
“Original.”Iscoff.“Whatelse?”
Henry’seyesdarttoNathan,lookingforguidance.OutofthecornerofmyeyeIseehimgiveHenryanod.Henryshufflesonthebedandmypalmsstingfrommynailssinkingintothem.
“Timheardhimsayyourparentsarebroke,soyou’relatchingontoguysgoingpro.Hecalledyouaslut,saidyou’dalwaysbeenone,andyou’retryingthesamethingwithNate.”
Don’tcry.“Okay.Istheremore?”
Henrynodsandmyheartpoundsinmychest.“HesaidyouwouldtrapNatewithababy.Youdidn’thavethetalenttogoallthewayinskating,andit’dgiveyouanexcusewithouthavingtoadmitthatyou’renotgoodenough.Saidthat’sprobablywhatCoachBradydid.”
Mywordsgetcaughtinmythroat.Idon’teventhinkwhatI’mfeelingishurt;Aaronhassaidworsetomehimself.It’stheembarrassment.Theknowledgethesepeople,Nate’sfriends,peoplewhorespecthim,havehadtolistentohowI’mthisawfulpersonwhowantstotraphim.“Areweuptolastnightyet?”
“Lastnight,hesaidhewascomingtotakeyouhomewhereyoubelonged.Isaidyouweren’tgoinganywhere,andhesaid,‘Soyou’refuckinghertoo?’Itoldhimtogetout,buthecarriedon.”HenrylookstoNateagain,lookinguncomfortable.
“Goon,”Iurge.Nate’shandslipsintomine,histhumbrubbingoverthenailmarksgently.
“Hesaidyou’reusingusforaplacetolive,justlikeyoudidwithhim.ThatNatewasdeludedifhethoughtyouactuallylikedhim,becauseyou’refake.Thenhesaid…fuck.”Henrydragshishanddownhisfaceandstaresatthebedding.“I’msorry,Stassie.I’msorryIhavetorepeatthis…Hesaidnoonewilleverbeabletoloveyou,becausehowcouldtheywhenyourownparentscouldn’t,andtheoneswhoboughtyouonlywantyoutofilluptheirtrophycabinet.”
“Fuck,”Natesnaps.
“Andthat’swhenIpunchedhim.”
“Nathan,you’rehurtingme,”Iwhisper,lookingatmypinkfingerswherehe’sgrippingmetootight.
“Thanksfortellingme,Hen,”Isay,steadyingmyvoice.“Andthanksfordefendingme.I’msorryIbroughtthisdramatoyourdoor.”
HelooksuncomfortableandIfeelittoo.“SabrinasaidI’mnotallowedtotalkaboutwhetheryoutwoloveeachotherornot,butIloveyou,Anastasia.IwasseriouswhenIsaidIwantyoutolivehere.Whetheryoutwoaretogetherornot,ifyougettiredofNathanyoucansleepinmyroom.I’llgettheairmattressagain.”
There’saloud,dramaticsobthreateningtoripoutofmebutIpushitdown,noddingmyheadinstead.“Iloveyou,too,Henry.”
Hegrabshisemptycerealbowlandleavestheroom,andwhenthedoorcloses,Nathanpullsmeontopofhimandleansback,cradlingmyheadonhischestasIwrapmyselfaroundhim.“Letitallout.You’resafe.I’mhere.”
So,Iletthedambreakandholdhimtight,whileeveryemotionI’vebeensuppressinghitsmeallatonce.
NathanletsmecryuntilIwearmyselfout,andwhenI’mfinallysilent,hetellsmewhathe’sbeenpatientlywaitingformetobereadytohear.
“Iknowyou’renotusingme.Iknowyou’renottryingtotrapme.Ifuckinglovelivingwithyou.Theguyslovelivingwithyou,weallwantyouhere.Iknowyoulikeme,eventhoughyoudefinitelyhateit,”headds,chucklingashepresseshislipstomyforehead.
“Really,reallyhateit.”
“Idon’tknowhowmuchyoucareaboutmyopiniononthis,butyou’reanincrediblytalentedskater.Ihaveeveryfaithyou’regoingtoachieveallyourgoals.IwouldnotbeforcingmytreetrunkbodyintofuckingyogapositionsifIdidn’tthinkyouandyourtalentwereworthit.”
“Nate…”
“I’mnotdone.You’reagoodperson,Anastasia.I’msorryIdon’ttellyoueveryday.Youmakemefeelcaredfor,feellistenedto,andtheotherstuffIdon’tevenknowhowtoputintowordsproperly.Youmakemefeelvalued,forwhoIamasme,notwhoIamasteamcaptainorwhatever.”
“Idovalueyou.”
“Thatisn’tafeelingI’vehadinalongtime.Notsincemymomwasalive.Ilovetheguys,butit’snotthesamething.Ican’tthinkhowtodescribeit…It’slikethere’saspotinyourlifeyoukeepjustforme.OneIdon’thavetoshare,onewhereyoudon’texpectanythingfromme.Doyouknowhowamazingitis?HowluckyIfeeltoknowyou?YoumakemewanttobethebestIcanbe.”
“Oh…”
“You’resmartanddetermined,andyouaresofuckingworthyoflove,Anastasia.Soworthy.You’resurroundedbypeoplewholoveyou,andwe’reallonyourteam.Aaronisn’t,andit’swhyhe’stryingtohurtyou.I’msorryyouhadtolistentoit.”
“Thankyouforsaying,well,everything.Youmakemefeelvaluedtoo.”
“It’sthetruth,andIwishI’dtoldyoubeforethis.Look,Idon’tfeellikeit’smyplacetotalkaboutyourparents,butfromwhatyou’vetoldmeaboutthem,itsoundslikeyou’rethebestthingtoeverhappentothem.”
Inod,sayingnothingmore.He’sansweredeveryquestionordoubtinmymind.It’snotenoughtostopthenoise,butithasturnedthevolumedownalittlebit.
Welieonthebedinsilenceforawhile,andwhenIpromiseI’mfeelingalittlebetter,NategivesmethespaceI’mcravingtoprocess.HeheadstothegymwithRobbieandHenry,leavingmehomewithJJandSabrina,whoclaimthatworkingoutisforlosers.Intheirultimatewisdom,they’vebothdecidedtokeepmedistractedbyfurtheringmyculinaryeducation.
Sabrinahasbeenfeelingguiltyaboutthewholemealplandisaster,scoldingherselffornotpayingcloserattention.Likeme,shedoesn’tthinkAarondiditonpurpose,butshethinksshecouldhaveweighedinmoreandpreventedthewholemess.
Sincethen,she’sbeentryingtoteachmesomemoreofherfavoritedishes.Well,shewas,untilJJbanishedherfromthekitchenandtoldhertositontheothersideofthekitchenislandwhenshestartedcriticizinghowIcutchicken.
JJtoldherifshewasn’tgoingtoplaynicely,shewasn’tallowedtoplay.BrincalledhimDaddyanditallgotveryweirdforamoment.
We’remakingbutterchickenbecause—quotingJJ—basicwhitegirlslikemelovebutterchicken.JJhasalreadytoldmeitmightsuckbecausewehaven’tmarinatedthechickenlongenough,butwe’restickingtoitanywaybecauseJohal-Allali-Allensaren’tquitters.
Hewatchedmeaddbakingsodatothedryingredientsforournaans,checkingIrememberafterhetaughtmelastweek.NowI’mflippingthefifthoneonthetawa,he’slostinterestandisswipingonadatingapp.
Learningtocooknewrecipesishealingmyrelationshipwithfood.I’dbelyingifIsaidlookingatthecreamweputintothechickendidn’thavemyfingerstwitchingtoopenmycalorieapp,butI’mtryinghardtoenjoythemoment.
Puttingonsevenpoundsinthepastmonthwasahugeblow;obviously,Icried,becauseallIdothesedaysiscryitseems,butNatewasquicktopointoutit’smuscle.I’mleanerandI’mbeatingallmypersonalbestseveryworkoutasIgetstronger.I’mfuelingmybodyproperlyforthefirsttimeinsolong,andashardasitis,I’mtryingtoforgetaboutthenumbers.Ineverrealizedbeforehowtoxicmyviewoffoodwas,butI’mtryingtobebettereveryday,feedingmybodywhatitneeds,notwhatIthinkitneeds.
JJfinallylooksupfromhisphoneasIputthelastnaanontheplate.“Areyoutwomovinginhere?”heasksbluntly.
“Where’syourfilter,Johal?Didn’twannaeaseintoit?”Brinlaughs.
“I’mabusyman,Brinny.Gottacuttothechase.”
“Idon’tknowwhatwe’redoing.”Isigh.“We’regoingtotalkaboutitwhenIgethomefromColorado.”
“Well,I’msureHawkinshasgivenyouafullspeechandpromisedtolaydownhislifeforyouorwhatever,butsoyouknow,I’mcoolwithyoubothlivinghere.MyinstinctsaboutmenareimpeccableandI’mtellingyou,Aaronisawalking,talkingredflag.”
“Ifyourinstinctsaresogood,whyareyousingle?Where’syourboyfriend?”Sabrinateases,joiningusinfrontofthefoodtoinspectourhandiwork.
JJsnorts,tiltinghisphonesowecanseehowmanypeoplehe’stexting.“Haveyoumetthemenonthiscampus?Theonesinthishouseareananomaly.It’scarnageoutthere.”
“We’reaware,”BrinandIsaytogether.
“Ithinkit’sunfairofmetotiemyselftoonepersonwhenthereissuchawiderangeofpeopletospendtimewith.”
“Howdidyoumanagetomakeyoubeingamanwhoresoundsweet?”Sabrinashouts,throwingherheadback,laughing.
“I’masweetguy.”Hesmirks,winkingatthebothofus.
Thefrontdooropens,andtheguyscomein,alllookingsweatyandtired.“God,thatsmellsgood,”Robbiepraises,rollingintothekitchenandimmediatelyreachingforanaan.
Iswathishandawaybeforeheevengetstotheplate.“Patience.”
Afterwhatfeelslikeforeverslappinghandsawayofhungryboystryingtosneakataste,Ifinallyplateupthefoodandmakeeveryonesitatthetable.
“Thislooksgood,Stassie,”Henrysays,notevenonehintofsomethingbackhandedcomingmyway.
“I’msoproudofyou,”Natesays,leaningovertokissmytemple.“Itsmellsamazing.”
Fuckyou,calorieapp.THIRTY-FOUR|NATHAN
AmIsurprisedmygirlfriend—yes,I’mallowedtocallherthatnow—isthemostannoyingpersontotravelwith,ever?No.
She’ssofuckingawakerightnowthatit’sknockingmealittlesick.We’regettingthefirstflighttoWashington,meaningit’snotevenlight,yetshe’sbouncingaroundtheplace.
Ontheonehand,it’ssogoodtoseeherhappyafterthepost-Aaronslumpshe’sbeenin.Ontheotherhand,wewakeuptogethereveryday,andI’veneverseenheractlikethisbeforelunchtime,soI’mfreakingconfused.I’mcurrentlysippingmysecondcoffee,andIstillhavethenauseousfeelingyougetwhenyouwakeuptooearly.
Itisn’tflyingtoSeattleshe’shappyabout,wecouldbegoinganywhere.Shelikesgettingorganizedtotravel,itturnsout.BossyAnastasiaismyfavorite;she’sdeterminedandsassy,fuckinghilariouswhenIdon’tlisten,andshestartsscowling.Inbedwhenshetakescontrol,Jesus,I’maluckyman.IwouldhappilydealwithbossyAnastasiaeveryday.
TravelAnastasiaistheworst.Lists.Somanyfuckinglists.NothingIdoistrusted;allthebagshadtoberecheckedbyherbecausemychecksaren’tasgoodasherchecks.
TravelAnastasiaforcedmetousepackingcubes,meaningIspentanhourplayingfreakingTetriswithmycase.WhenIwasonmythirdgoofmakingitallfit,failingonceagain,Ilaunchedthepointlesscubesacrosstheroom.SensingIwasfeelingalittlefrustrated,shesanktoherkneesinfrontofme,reachedformybelt,andshowedmehowmuchshelovestraveling.Itwastheonlythingthatstoppedmefromcancelingtheflights.
Downingthelastofmycoffee,Ileanbackinthericketyairportseat,immediatelyfeelingeyesonme.“You’reagrumpygillsthismorning,”shechirps,tuckingintothefruitsaladshepaidaboutfifteenbucksforintheairportshop.
“Early.Tired,”Igrunt.
“Poorbaby,”shesayssarcastically,gigglingandpinchingatmycheek.“Wanttosleeponmyboobsontheplane?”
“Iobviouslywannasleeponyourboobs,”Imumble,leaningtostealthepieceofpineappleonherfork.“Howareyousoawake?Andhappy?”
“Iloveairports.Peoplewatching,organizing,shoppingandstuff,it’sgreat.Plus,I’mabouttospendnearlytwoweekswithyourundividedattention,howcanInotbehappy?”
Ohman.It’slikesheknowswhattosaytomakemewanttopropose.Sheholdsoutherforktome,lettingmestealanotherpieceofpineapple.Sighing,Ituckaloosestrandofhairbehindherear.“You’reannoying,butyou’recute.”
“Oh,Ithinkourgateisup!”shesqueaks.“Let’sgo!”
Springingtoherfeet,shefranticallytriestocollectherbagswithonehandandbalanceherfruitpotwiththeother.It’sadisasterwaitingtohappen.
“Standstill,”Itellher,takingthebagsfromherhandandslingingthemovermyshoulder.Shewatchesmeroundupourthings,grinningeartoear.“Okay,let’sgo.”
“Aye,aye,Captain.”
ThesecondtheplanetookoffIfellasleepinthemiddleofStassie’schest.Afterthreepeacefulhours,welandinWashingtontomuchcoolertemperaturesthanLA.Hoppingintoacab,Stassiegivesheraddress,andweheadoff.
We’reonlystayingheretwonightsbeforeheadingtoColorado,wherewe’respendingChristmasandNewYear.It’sanunderstatementtosayI’mfuckingterrifiedtomeetherparents.ShespeakssohighlyofthemandIonlygettomakeafirstimpressiononce.
Sheturnsherphonebackonandalltheirexcitedmessagesstartcomingthrough.Threadingherfingersthroughmine,shebringsthebackofmyhandtohermouthandcoversitinkisses.“Youokay,bub?”
“Whatiftheydon’tlikeme?”
“Theyalreadylikeyou,Nathan.Andifsomehowyoumakeaterriblefirstimpression,Iseethemonceayear,soitdoesn’tmatteranyway.Ilikeyouenoughforeveryone.”
“Rememberamonthagowhenyousaidsleepinginmybedeverynightwouldbedistracting?”
“Ido.”
“I’mgladyouletmedistractyou.Thankyoufornotlettingmespendtheholidaysalone.”
ShegivesmethesmileIlove.It’sasoftone,onethatmakeshereyesshine,andit’soneIthinkshesavesforme.“Ithinkyou’veprobablyimprovedmemorethanyou’vedistractedme.”
Wesitincomfortablesilencefortherestofthejourney,andIfeelcalmuntilthecabturnsintoacul-de-sacandstopsinfrontofthehouse.Stassiegivesmyhandonefinalsqueeze,thenstartstoclimbout.Noturningbacknow.
***
AfterfeelinglikeI’mgoingtopassoutwithnervesforthefirstfifteenminutesofbeinghere,IcanhonestlysayJuliaandColinAllenarethemostwelcomingpeopleI’veevermet.
It’sbeenoverwhelmingbutinaniceway.IalreadyknowabitaboutthemfromAnastasia,butit’sbeennicetohearfromthemabouttheirfamily.OnethingtheywouldneverneedtotellmeishowmuchtheyloveAnastasia,becauseit’sclearfromthewaytheylookedatherwhentheyopenedthedoortowatchusclimbtheporch.Juliawouldn’tlethergoforfiveminutes.
Theyquicklygavemeatour,beforelettingusputourbagsaway,andthewholeplaceiscoveredinpicturesofStas.Birthdays,camping,Christmas,allwiththesamemischievousfaceonthem.
God,ourkidswillbeadorable.
Juliahandsmemythirdgingerbreadcookie,thenturnstoStassieandclearsherthroat.“Youdidn’tgetbacktomeaboutbookingtimeattherink,honey.Ididn’tknowwhattodo…”
Theatmosphereintheroominstantlychanges,itgetscooler,ormaybeit’smyimaginationbecauseIknowskatingisboththesunshineandtheblackcloudoverthisfamily.
Islipmycookie-freehandintoAnastasia’s,givingitanencouragingsqueeze.Sheclingstightly.“I’mnotplanningtoskate,and,uh,ifit’sokay,I’dlikeitifwedon’ttalkaboutskatingwhileI’mhere.IhadsomesessionswithDr.Andrewslastmonth;hethinksitwouldbegoodformetofindotherthingstotalkabout.”
Colinleansforward,lookinggenuinelyshocked.“Really?”
Shenods,lookingbetweenbothherparents.Juliaistryinghardnottoshowhershock,butshe’snotquitemanagingit.
“Ithelpswiththepressure.Hethinksit’sgoodtorestphysicallyandmentally.Soyounotaskingaboutithelpsme.Icanletyouguysknowifanythingneworinterestinghappensinfuture.”
“Ofcourse,Annie.Weonlyaskbecauseweknowhowimportantitistoyou.Weonlycareaboutyourhappiness,honey.Wewon’tbringitup,willwe,Col?Notunlessyouwantusto.”
IfeelthetensioninAnastasia’sbodyease,hergriploosens,andsherelaxes.Ichangethesubjecttomoveonfromthisone,questioninganicknameI’veneverheard.“Annie?”
Staslooksatme,herexpressionserious.“Yeah,theycallmeAnniebecauseIwasanorphan.”
ColinburstsoutlaughingasJuliagasps,crossingherarmsoverherchest.“AnastasiaRebeccaAllen!”shesqueaks.“WecallyouAnniebecauseyoucouldn’tspellAnastasiauntilyouwereeight!”Lookingatme,sheshakesherhead.“Pleasedon’tlistentomydaughter.”
Ican’thelpbutlaugh.“Ihaveto,ma’am.She’sprettyscarywhenshewantstobe,sheevenhasmywholehockeyteamterrifiedofher.”
“She’salwaysbeenlikethat,”Colinsaysproudly.“Whenshewasthirteen,aboyinherclasswasbeingbulliedbyafewolderboys.WegotcalledintoseetheprincipalbecauseAnastasiamadethemallcry.”
“Mhmm.”Juliahums.“Whatyouseemtobemissingissheendedupindetentionfortwowholeweeksbecauseshetoldtheprincipalifheneededateenagegirltodohisjobforhim,hewasn’tfittobeheadoftheschool.”
Stassie’scheeksflushalittle,butshebrushesitoff.“WasIwrong,though?Andtheyneverbulliedhimagain.”
“Bradyhasbeenbullyingmeforweeksandyouhaven’tstoodupformeonce,”Itease.
Shenudgesmeplayfully,laughing.“I’mbrave,butI’mnotthatbrave.”
Acoupleofhoursafterwearrived,JuliaproducedtwoChristmasonesies—areindeerformeandasnowmanforStas—andit’sthecomfiestthingI’veeverworn.IfeellikeIknowAnastasiasomuchbetternowthatI’veheardeveryembarrassingstoryinherparents’repertoire.
Sincetodayhasbeensolow-key,Anastasiasuggestedwegooutfordinnerthisevening,sonobodyhadtocook.She’sbeengettingreadysinceforever,soI’vemademyselfcomfortableonherbedwithamassivebagofchipsJuliagaveme.Mystomachrumbledonceearlier,andshe’smadeitherpersonalmissiontofeedmeeverythinginthehouse.
IlovewatchingStassiegetready;she’scurlingherhairstrandbystrand,concentratingoneverysinglepiece.Herteetharepiercingherbottomlipasshefocuses,studyingeverycurl.Everynowandthen,sheleanstowardthemirrorandthelightcatcheshertannedskin;Ican’thelpbutletmyeyestravelacrosstheslopeofherwaist,thecurveofherhips…
“You’resohot.”
Shelooksatmethroughthemirror,smirking.“Areyoutalkingtomeoryourchips?”
“You.Chipsaregood,butyou’reobviouslybetter.Canyouhelpmeoffthebed?”
Hereyesnarrow,rightfullysuspicious.“Why?SoyoucanpullmeontothebedassoonasIgiveyoumyhand?”
“No.”Ilie.Turningoffthehotstickthing,sheslowlywalkstothesideofthebed.“Whyareyousofaraway?Comecloser.”
Herlipstugupatthesideasshetakesasmallsteptowardme,butit’senoughformetolungetowardherandpullherontothebed.Shesquealsasmyfingersdigintohersides,ticklingheruntilshecanhardlybreathe.
Sheleansagainstmychest,herperfectcurlsdecoratingmyskin.“Youneedtogetready.”
IknowIdo,butshelookssocontentIdon’twanttomissaminuteofit.“Canwespendthenextweeklikethis?Nakedthough.”Iadd.“Well,younaked.Ilikethisonesie,myballsaresupertoasty.”
“Aslongasyourballsaretoasty,obviously.”
“Canwefoolaboutfortenminutes?ThenI’llgetready,”Iask,wrappingoneofhercurlsaroundmyfinger.
“No.”
“Fiveminutes?”
Huffing,sherollshereyes.“Secondbaseforthreeminutes,butthenyouhavetogetready.”
“Deal.”
***
Imadeamistakenegotiatingforfoolingaroundtimeearlier.WhatIshouldhavebeennegotiatingwaswearingmyreindeeroutfittotherestaurant.Afteranafternoonofcomfort,thisshirtfeelssuffocating.
ItsonlyredeemingqualityisthefactAnastasiaislookingatmelikeshe’spicturingmorethansecondbaseinherhead.
“Stoplookingatmelikeyouwantmetofuckyou,”Imutterasherparentswalkaheadofus,followingthehosttoourtable.
“ButIwantyouto.Ithinkit’stherolled-upsleeves.Youlooksohot.”
Alaughrumblesinmythroat,butIdon’tsayanything.Rolled-upsleevesareaJJclassic.Heinsistsit’sthesluttiestthingaguycando,andithasa100percentsuccessrate.Ifuckinghateitwhenhe’sright.
AnastasiaandIdon’teatoutalotwhenwe’reathomebecausewe’reworkingsohardwithhernewplan,itseemsalittlecounterproductivewhenlearningnewrecipesmakesherhappy.
Tonightisobviouslyaspecialoccasionsinceit’sStas’sfirsttimehomeinayear,soit’snicetoseewhattypeofrestaurantmakesitonherfavoriteslist.
It’stoofancyformyonesie,I’llsaythatmuch.Quietatmosphere,lowlighting,intimate.Takingapeekatthemenu,Ipretendtolookatitforthefirsttime,notrevealingtoJuliaandColinthatStassiemademestudyitindetailfifteenminutesbeforeweleftthehouse.
Allthatprepworkandshestillwon’tknowwhatshewants.Ileanin,lookingathermenuwithher.“Whatareyougetting?”
“Idon’tknow,”shesays,confirmingmysuspicions,chewingontheinsideofhercheekassheflipsthemenutostudytheotherside.
“Whatarethechoices?”
Sheflipsitbackover.“Crabravioliorthechickenpizza.Isortofwanttheraviolionthepizza,isthatweird?”
Herparentsoverhearher,bothlookingatusoverthetopoftheirmenus,noddinginunison.“Yeah.”
“Whydon’tIorderthepizzaandyouordertheravioli.Wecanswitchifthefoodcomes,andyougetbuyer’sregret.”
Placingthemenuonthetable,shelooksatme,eyesswimmingwithsomething.“HaveItoldyouyou’remyfavoritehumantoday?”
“Good,even—oh,heyguys.”
TurningawayfromStassie,Ilookatthewaiterwhojustapproachedourtable.Helooksoddlyfamiliar,despitethefactI’veneverbeenherebefore.
LookingtoStasforguidance,it’sclearshedefinitelyknowshimbyhowawkwardshelooks.Juliastandsfromthetable,leaningintokisstheguyonthecheek.“James!”shesayscheerfully.“Hownicetoseeyou,honey.Ididn’tknowyouwereworkinghere.”
It’sfunnytoseeJuliaforceasmile,becauseit’sexactlythesameasStassie’sforcedsmile—terrible.AssoonasshesaysJamesIrealizewhoheis.I’vebeenlookingatpicturesofhimallafternoon,youngerbutstillthesamefaceandsandyblondhair.
JameswasStassie’sskatingpartnerbeforeshestartedcollege.Hewasalsoherfirstboyfriend,firstlove,firsteverything.
Great.Sogladhe’shere.
ColinshakesJames’shand,andtheybothlookasawkwardasIfeel.“HereforafewweekswhileI’mhomefortheholidays.”Hiseyestravelpastmeandlandonthewomanbesidemewhohasn’tsaidaword.“It’sgoodtoseeyou,Stassie.”
Hearinghernameseemstoknockheroutofwhateverweirdmomentshe’shaving.“You,too,James.ThisisNathan,myboyfriend.Nate,thisisJames.HewasmyskatingpartneruntilImovedtoMapleHills.”
Boyfriend
It’sthefirsttimeI’veheardhersayit,andshesaiditsoconfidently.Idefinitelydidn’timagineit.
Thisisn’tthetimetohaveaninternalmeltdown,Hawkins.
Iholdoutmyhandtoshakehis,weirdlyformal,butit’swhatColindid,soI’mdoingittoo.“Nicetomeetyou.”
“Likewise,”hesays,doinganawfuljobofnotlookingawkward.“WhatcanIgetyouguystoeat?”
Aftertakingourorders,mynewbuddyJamesdisappears,andwhenourdrinkscome,it’satotallydifferentperson
Thefoodisdelicious,theconversationiseasy,andIcan’tbelievehowdifferentthiswouldbeifitwereStasmeetingmydad.Whichmakesmesofuckinggladwe’reflyingbacktoLAbeforehegetshomefromvacation.
Wipingmymouthwithmynapkin,IsummonthecourageI’vebeenlookingforforthepastfiveminutes.“I’dlikeitifyou’dletmepayfordinner,asathankyouforyouwelcomingmeintoyourhome.”Colin’smouthopens,butIcarryonbeforehecansayanything.“AndIknowyou’regoingtosayno,butjustknow,I’mnotabovepretendingtogotothebathroomandpayingsneakily.I’vehadagreatdaywithyouguys,I’dliketosaythankyoubypayingthebill.”
“Oh,Dad,lethim.”Anastasiagroans.“Honestly,he’ssostubbornhe’llarguewithyouaboutitforhours.”
Wealllookather,ourheadsmovinginslowmotion,thesameidenticalbaffledlookonourfaces.“Wait,I’mthestubbornone?”
Herfingersthreadthroughmyhandrestingonthetableandherlaughissoftandmusical.Hereyesareshiningasshetriestohidehersmile.She’smesmerizing.“Uh,obviously.”
Fuck.Iamsoinlovewiththiswoman.THIRTY-FIVE|ANASTASIA
“Arewethereyet?”
“IsweartoGodIwillleaveyouinthisairport,”Nategrumbles,slappingmyass,laughingwhenthenoisecausesanelderlycoupletoturnaroundandlookatus,makingmycheeksblush.
We’recurrentlyrushingtoourconnectingflightatDenver,andNateisascheerfulaseverafterourearlymorningflightfromSeattle.Iwasn’texpectingtobesadleavingSeattle,butIwas.Istillam.
Thewaymymomanddadreactedtomewantingtogooutfordinner,notskate,andcookforthem,showsmehowmilitantI’vebeenduringmyprevioustrips.Lettinggoofthoseissues,evenforthetwodayswewerethere,hasdonemoreformywell-beingthananytherapysession.Whenweleftthismorning,IpromisedI’dbebacksoon,andIgenuinelymeantit.
YesterdayIspenttheentiredaybeingatourguide,showingNateeverythingthecityhastoofferuntilournoseswerefrozen,andwecouldn’tpossiblystomachanymorehotchocolate.
I’vebeenlivinginLAtoolongbecauseIcouldfeelthedropintemperature.NathanjokedIwasinforanastyshockwhenwereachedhishouse,andI’dlearnwhatcoldtrulyfeelslike.He’spromisedthatatleast90percentofourtimecanbespentinfrontofthefire,soIthinkI’lllearntocopewiththatother10percent.
Ilovedplayingtourguide,andwewereseriouslytiredbythetimewegothome.WatchingNathanbeingthecharmingandcaringmanthatheis,watchingmyparentslearnthat,too,hasbeenadream.Nottoforget,watchinghimstuffhissix-foot-fourframeinaonesiehasbeenthehighlightofmyyear.
ThistriphasbeenalotofNathanwatching—whichisveryeasybecausehe’ssopretty.
Hespenthourslastnighttalkingabouthockeywithmydad,tellinghimallaboutjoiningVancouverinthesummerwhenhegraduates,andDadwasunderstandablyimpressed.
“Ican’twaittowatchyouplay.NowI’mnotpromisingtoswitchteams,butyouwintheStanleyCupandImightconsiderit,”hejoked.
ItwasaweirdmixofemotionsforNathan,Ithink.Allhe’severwantedwasforhisownDadtopayeventheslightestbitofinterestinhiscareer,andyetsomeonewhowasessentiallyastrangerforty-eighthoursearlierissogenuinelyexcitedforhim.
Hockeyaside,mymommightbeinlovewithmyboyfriend,whichmakesmehappybutalsoalittlescaredformydad.IofferedtocookbiriyanifordinnertosaveMomajob,butalsotoshowoffmynewcookingskillsalittle.Shesatstaringatme,tearyeyed.
“What’swrong?”Iasked,askepticaleyebrowraised.
“Nothing’swrong,honey,”shemurmured,seeminglyholdingbackthetears.“I’mproudofyou.You’rehome,happy,andhealthy.Youhaveawonderfulboyfriend.I’myourmom,soI’mallowedtobeemotionalwhenIseemydaughterthriving.”
Shewantedtoknoweverything,howwemet,howwegottogetherandI,uh,hadtogetcreativewiththetruth.Unfortunately,it’simpossibletotalkaboutmeandNatewithoutalsotalkingaboutAaron.
“Thatlittleshit,”shefumed,aggressivelychoppingcilantro.“WaituntilIseehim.”
Hisaccidentandourargumentweren’tthedifficultpart;shetuttedandrolledhereyesatsomebits,knowingexactlyhowAaroncansometimesbe.ItwaswhenIreachedhisfightwithHenrythatthingsbecameawkward.
“Hesaid…”Ipaused,wonderingifitwassomethingIcouldstomachrepeatingoutloud.Sighing,Ireachedoverandtookthekitchenknifeoffher.“Hesaidnobodywouldeverbeabletolovemebecausemybirthparentscouldn’t.”
Hereyeswidened,facerapidlypalingasshegrippedthekitchencounter.
“Andifthatwasn’tbadenough,hesaidyouguysonlywantmetofillupthetrophycabinet.”
TherewasnoemotiontomywordsasIsaidthem;IusedthemallcryingintoNate’schestaweekago.Butwatchingmymom’sfacesinkintohorrormademewanttoweep.
“Hedidn’t,”shesaid,voicehardlyaboveawhisper.Inodded,lettinghertacklemewithanoxygenstealinghug.Buryingherfaceintomyhair,shechokedonherwords.“Howcouldanyonethinkthat?How?Why?What?Whatthehelliswrongwithhim?”
“Hehurtspeoplewhenhe’shurting,”Iexplainedwithasigh,detachingherwithgreatdifficulty.Shetookmyheadinherhands,kissingmyforeheadaffectionately.“Don’tsayit.Youdon’tneedto.”
“Idoneedto.Youarethebestthingthateverhappenedtous,Anastasia.Theabsolutebest.Howtalentedyouareaddstowhatmakesyousospecial,butIlovedyoulongbeforeyouputonapairoficeskates.”
“Iknow.”Itwasn’talie.Beneaththeinsecurityandtheself-inducedpressure,Iknowmyparentsloveme.Theydidn’tjumpthroughthehoopsoftheAmericanpublicadoptionsystem,hopingthattheymightgetasportykid.Theywantedtocompletetheirfamily.
“Whatareyougoingtodoabouthim?”sheasked.
TheimpossiblequestionIwishIhadananswerto.
Understandably,NatewantstolockmeawayandrefusetoletAaronevenlookinmydirectioneveragain;Sabrinaisn’tfarbehindhimwiththatplan.ButtherealityofthesituationisIdon’thavemuchchoicewhenhe’smypartner.
Iwasexpectingtohearfromhimafterthefight,butthere’sbeennothing.SabrinatoldmeheleftforChicagoandwouldn’tbebackuntilthenewyear,andIknowspendingtheholidayswithhisfightingparentswillonlyputhiminaworsemood.
I’mslowlymakingmypeacewiththefactthatmyfriendshipwithAaronhastakenallthestrainitcanhandle.Icannolongerbeadoormatforabrokenmantodumphisemotionalbaggagewhenherefusestoevenattempttohelphimself.
Aaronisincrediblyprivilegedandhaseveryresourceavailabletohim.I’mdesperateforhimtousethoseresources,tobethemanIknowheisdeepdownbeneathalltheinsecurityandtheanger,butitfeelslikehe’sconstantlytakingstepsfurtheraway.
Ithurtstoadmitallofthis—thatI’mgivinguponhim.
Oratleastthat’llbethewayheseesit.
HissnappymoodsandhissubtleattemptsatcontrolIcouldcopewith.Butthetimewespentlaughingathomeorgrinningeartoearwhenwenailsomethingontheiceisn’tenoughtocanceloutthebadanymore.ItcouldneverbeenoughwhenIcan’teventrusthimnottosayvilethingsaboutmeifI’mnotthere.
Evenwithallthoseemotionsrampagingthroughmybody,thevoiceinmyheadshoutingcleanbreak,Ican’tbeapairskaterwithoutapair.Ineedtostartthinkingaboutitasstrictlyaprofessionalpartnership.
Colleagues
Nathanhatesit,obviously,butthisisn’tabouthimorwhatmakeshimfeelcomfortable.Igetit,Ihonestlydo.ThewayNathancaresformeincitesaweird,fuzzyfeelinginmystomach—thekindIthoughtpeoplemadeup.
Hetreatsmewithrespectandwithkindness,andherootsformeineveryway.I’mcallinghimmyboyfriend,forGod’ssake,awordthatpreviouslysentawaveofhorrorthroughmybodybutnowmakesmefeelcontent.We’reinseparableandwe’rebothhappywithitlikethat.
Butwhatheforgetsishe’sleavinginthesummerandmovingtoadifferentcountry,soheneedstogetonboardwiththeideathatIcanhandleAaronalone.
Itisn’tnormalthatNateandIlivetogether,eventhoughwebothloveit.I’vealwayslovedlivingwithBrinandAaron,andI’dliketogetbacktothepointwhereAaronandIcanexistinthesamespace,evenifwe’renotbestfriendsanymore.Idon’tevenbringthatbitupanymorebecauseNathanhatestheideaofmemovingbacktoMapleTower.
Basically,ifit’saboutAaron,Nathanhatesit,butit’sniceofhimtobesoconsistent.Hedoesn’thavethesamefearsasme;hedoesn’tquestionifweonlyworkbecausewe’retogethertwenty-fourseven,andifwhenhemoves,andwehavetospendtimeapart,we’lllast.
Ihopewelast.Ineedustolast.Goingfromfrenemiestoloversinthreemonthswasn’tsomethingIeverthoughtwouldhappen.Butdespitemybestefforts,I’msofreakinginlovewiththisman.
***
“Arewethereyet?”
Natepinchesthebridgeofhisnose,sighingheavily.Hedoesn’tfindmefunnyrightnow,butthemoreirritatedhegets,thefunnierIfindit.
AmI…JJ?
Loweringhishead,hisnosebrushesagainstminegently.Icanfeelhiswarmbreathonmyskin,lipsaninchfrommine,andmomentarily,Iloseallfunction.“Assoonaswe’realone,”henodstowardourdriver,who’smindinghisownbusinessinthefront,“I’mgoingtospankyouforeverytimeyou’veaskedmethat.”
Mybreathcatchesinmythroat,somewherebetweenagiggleandagasp,andheclosesthegap,makingmemeltwithakiss.Breakingapart,hepresseshisforeheadtomine.“Don’tthreatenmewithagoodtime,Hawkins.”
Leaningbacktolookatme,hisbrowneyeslockwithmineandIjustknow.IknowImadetherightchoicetospendtheholidaysherewithhim.“You’resonaughtysometimes.”
“Arewenearlythere,though?”
Hisfingersweavebetweenmineinmylap,andhepeeksoutofthewindow.“Twominutes.Thatstillcounts,bytheway.”
“Iwashopingitwould.”
It’sthelongesttwominutesofmylife,butfinally,wepulluptoalargegate.I’mtryingnottobeimpatient;I’mmoretryingnottorevealhownervousIambecauseIknowit’ssilly.It’sanemptyhouse,howcanIbenervousaboutanemptyhouse?
Scratchthat.
Mansion.Agigantic,snowymansionwithamassivedrivewayuptothefrontdoor.Idon’trealizemymouthishangingopen,untilNatetapsundermychin,chuckling,promptingmetocloseit.
“You’reseriouslyrich,”Iwhisper,notevennecessarilytalkingtohim,justprocessing.
IknewNate’sfamilyhasmoney,butitneveroccurredtomeitwouldbethismuchmoney.Thecarstopsoutsidethefrontdoorthat’ssobigitmayhavebeenoriginallydesignedforgiants.
“Mydadisseriouslyrich.”
It’sallabitofabluraswegetourbags,andheushersmein.Henudgesmetowardthemiddleoftheroom.“Gosnoop,youknowyouwantto.”
He’sright.
“I’mscaredI’mgoingtogetlost,canyougivemeatour?”
Dumpingourbagsbythedoor,heguidesmethroughonedoorway,revealingthekitchen.“Thisisthekitchen.”
“Well,Ididn’tseetheovenandthinkitwasthebedroom.”Ihaven’tevenfinishedrollingmyeyesbeforehe’stryingtograbme.Dartingtotheothersideofthekitchenislandinafitoflaughtertoavoidhim,hescowlsandshakeshisheadatme.
“You’resofuckingannoying.”
“Andyou’reslow.Youshouldworkonthat.”
Therestofmytourtakeshardlyanytimebecauseit’sdonebymerunningbetweenrooms,cacklingasNathantriestocatchme.Iknowhe’slettingmegetaway,oneofhisstepsistwoofmine,butthiswayismorefun.
Ivaguelytakeinthetallceilingsandnaturallight.Blahblah.Allthethingsyou’resupposedtocommentonwhenyou’reinabeautifulhome.WhatI’mreallythinkingisthesebigarchwaysaremakingitsupereasytonotgettackledtotheground.
Runningupthemammothstaircase,astaircasethatshouldbereservedforballgownentrances,Natesneakilyguidesmetowardoneroominparticular.
Outofbreath,overexcited,andreadytoadmitdefeat,Iopenthedoortowhatis—surprise,surprise—hisbedroom.Stoppinginthedoorway,hisarmswraparoundmefrombehind,carryingme
inandthrowingmeonhisbed.
Throwinghimselfdownnexttome,herollsmeontopofhim.“Whatdidyouthinkofthehousetour?”
“IthinkIneedtodomorecardio.”
Ifeelthelaughrumbleinhischestbeneathmybody,andhishandsbrushthehairoutofmyface.“I’vebeennervousaboutbringingyouhere.”
“Why?”
“It’snothinglikeyourhouse.Therearen’tpictures,theonlytrophiesyou’llseeareSasha’s,andit’sallabit…Idunno.Cold.”
EvenasIquicklymovedbetweenrooms,itwashardnottonoticehowclinicaleverythingfeels.Therearen’tevenanyChristmasdecorationsanywhere,forfuck’ssake.
Iknowhisdadisanasshole,Nate’smadethatperfectlyclear.ButknowingyoursonisgoingtobehomealoneandnotevenputtingaChristmastreeup?WhataboutSasha,wholivedhereallmonth?WhatifI’dstayedinWashingtonorCalifornia?He’dbeinthishuge,emptyhousealone.
AlumpformsinmythroatandItrytoswallowitdown,butit’snouse.
Hiseyeswiden,bodyfreezing.“What’swrong?”
“I’msorry,”Icry,pushingmyselftoaseatedposition.“Idon’tmeantobeanemotionalwreckallthetime,Ijust.Fuck.I’mjustthinkingaboutwhatitwouldhavebeenlikeforyoutobeherealone.I’msohappyI’mherewithyou.”
“Metoo.”THIRTY-SIX|NATHAN
Whenistherighttimetotellsomeoneyoulovethem?
FallinginlovewasnotwhatIexpectedtodothisyear.I’veneverbeeninlove,andIdon’tknowhowI’msupposedtotellherwithoutherrunning.Sheonlysaidthewordboyfriendoutloudtootherpeopleacoupleofdaysago,andnowsuddenlyI’mthinkingofhittingherwiththosethreewords?Imustbelosingit.
ButIcan’thelpit,they’reonthetipofmytongueconstantly.
Myanxietymightcomefromknowingit’sbeenaseriesofunfortunateeventsthat’sbroughtustowherewearenow—anincrediblyfortunatesituation—whichdoesn’thappenveryoften.Ifeellucky.That’stheonlywordthatseemsappropriatebecausethingscouldhavegonethecompleteoppositedirection.
Icouldtalkforhoursaboutherbeauty.Describeeveryfreckle,everyfaintline,everyinchofherbody.Anastasiaislikethesun,warmandblindinglybeautiful.Buttobehonest,it’snotwhatmakeshermyperson.
I’minlovewithherdeterminationandhercommitment,hersoftside,thewayshemanagestotellmeexactlyhowshe’sfeelingandwhy,nomatterhowuncomfortableitmightmakeheratfirst
She’staughtmecommunicatingdoesn’tmeaneverythingisperfect,itdoesn’tmeanwedon’tdisagree.Itmeansweworkthroughtheimperfectbittogether,andifwedon’tagree,weatleastknowwhytheotherfeelsthatway,evenifit’snotgoingtochangeourminds.We’restillindividuals,butwe’reindividualstogether,andIneverknewrelationshipscouldbelikethis.
Aboveallelse,shecaresaboutmeandmyhappiness.Shemakesmestudy,sheencouragesmetotalkaboutmymom;IcouldliehereandlistallthethingsshedoesthatpushmetobetheversionofmyselfIwanttobe.She’smybestfriend.
IneedtostopwaitingforshittogowrongbecauseIknowthingsaren’tsupposedtobeperfect,andwe’rebothstubbornanddeterminedenoughtofixthebitsthataren’tworkingforus.
Itfeelstooearlytobeabletomakethosekindsofstatements.Shit,itfeelstooearlytobeinlove.Three-and-a-bitmonthsisn’tlong,butwhenwe’vespentasmuchtimetogetheraswehave,IthinkIcanbeforgivenformyconfidence.
Ishoulddefinitelyjusttellher.
Draggingmyselffrommythoughts,Ibrushhercheekwithmythumb.“WecangetChristmasdecorationsifitmakesyousad.Wecangorightnow.”
“It’snotthat.Idon’tcare.Ijusthatetheideathatyou’dhavearrivedalone,andyourdaddidn’tevenbotherputtingaChristmastreeupforyou.OrSasha!PoorSasha.”
“They’rehardlyeverhere.They’realwaysattheresort,”Iexplain.“It’snotabigdealtome,Iswear.ButwecangoandbuyaChristmastreeifyouwantto,Ididn’tthink.Iknowit’snotlikeyourparents’house,Ishouldhaveprewarnedyou.I’msorry.”
“No,no.Pleasedon’tapologizetome.I’msorry.I’llcheerup,Iswear.”Sheshakesitoffandforcesasmile,laughingwhenmybrowfurrows.Stasclimbsoffmeandthrowsherselfbackontothemattress.“OhmyGod.”Shemoansandmydicktwitchesinmypants.“Thisbedisdivine.It’swarm!Howthehellisitwarm?”
“IaskedBettytoputtheheatedblanketonwhenshedroppedofffood.”
“IsBettyyourothergirlfriend?”Raisingherfootintotheair,shetugsatherbootandlaunchesitoverthesideofthebed.
“Bettyisourhousekeeper.She’saboutahundredandshe’sworkedformyfamilyforyears,”Isay,watchingStassieattempttoremoveherotherbootwithgreatdifficulty.“Sherefusestoretire,andshemakesthebestmashedpotatoesinthewholeworld.She’sgreat,you’lllikeher.Wewon’tseeher,though,Itoldhertotaketimeoffandspenditwithherfami—doyouneedhelp?”
Shestopstryingtoremovehersweatshirt,whichisalsotangledinherhairandstuckonherwatch.Hereyespeeratmeoverherarm.“Iwastryingtogetundressedtoseduceyou,butGodgettingundressedinthisclimateistiring.Ishouldhavepulledmypantsdownalittleandbentover.”
Herthrashingcontinuesuntilshe’sfree,butitonlyrevealsanotherlayer.Ikickoffmyownbootsandtugatmyzipper,unwillingtobeleftbehind.Themaindownsideofbeinginthemountainishowlongittakestogetnaked.ImadeAnastasialayerupthismorningbeforeourflight,thinkingthefirstthingshe’dwanttodowhenwegotherewouldbetocheckoutthelake,butIdon’tthinkit’sevencrossedhermind.
“Done!”sheshouts,breathlessbutsportingasmuggrin.“Ibeatyou.”
OnlyAnastasiaAllencouldturngettingnakedbeforesexintoacompetition,thendeclareherselfthewinner.Climbingupthebed,proppingherselfagainsttheheadboard,shewatchesmewatchingherwithamischievoussmirkonherface.
Finallykickingoffmyboxers,Icrawltowardher,stoppingwhenherfootpressesagainstthecenterofmychest.Sittingbackontotheheelsofmyfeet,Igripherfoot,pressingmymouthagainstherankleasshegiggles.“What’syourprizeforwinning?”
Jumpingwhenmyteethgrazeherskin,herlipspinchtogetherasshepretendstothink.“Hmm.Canyoubemyprize?”Shehums,eyesshiningwhenInod.“Iwanttowatchyoutouchyourself.”
Ialmostchoke.
Pullingherfootfrommygrip,sheplantsitonthebed,givingmetheperfectviewofherpink,wetpussy.IcouldspendhourstryingtopredictwhatAnastasiaisgoingtosayanddonext,butI’dneverberight.
“Don’tlookatmelikethat,”Isay,leaningforwardtohoveroverherbody.“Staringatmewiththosebigdoeeyeslikeyoudidn’tjustsayyouwanttowatchmejerkoff.”
Herchintiltsup,mouthsearchingformine.Shesmellssogood.Howthehelldoesshesmellsofuckinggoodallthetime?Sweetanddeliciousandmaddening.Pullingherbodytomine,IrollusoversoI’monmyback,andpositionhersoshe’sstraddlingmythighs.I’malreadyrockhard;howcouldInotbeafterwhatshejustsaid?Sheimmediatelyreachesforit,butIgripherwrist.“Handsbehindyourback,Allen.”
Shedoesn’tknowwheretofocusashereyesbouncebetweenmyface,myflexingstomach,andthehandfistingmycock.Igroanhername,enjoyingthesurprisingflickeracrossherface,quicklymorphingintosomethingdarker.
Herhipssquirm,lookingforfrictionsheisn’tgoingtofindwithherlegsspreadwidebymythighs,andshefidgetsashereyesfollowmyfistupanddown.
“You’resofuckinghot,”sherasps,eyesdark.“Letmetouchyou,please.”
“ButI’mgivingyouwhatyouwanted.”Reachingupwithmyfreehand,Itweakhernipplebetweenmyfingers,themoansheletsoutisamixofsatisfactionandfrustration.Pumpingmyhandfaster,thepleasurebeginstolickupmyspine,tinglingandbuilding.
Wigglingfartherawayfromme,myeyebrowquirkswithcuriosity.Placingatentativehandonthebedbesidemyhips,sheleansdown,eyeslockedwithmine.Sheleansforward,hoveringsoshe’snottouchingme.
“What’reyoudoing?”Iask,reducingmyhandtoanagonizinglyslowpace
“WhataboutifIdon’tusemyhands?CanItouchyouthen?”
“Openyourmouth,baby.”
You’dthinkI’mtheoneincontrolofthissituation,butyou’dbewrong.Iwatchher,fuckingmesmerized,asshelicksandkissesfromthebasetojustbeforethetip,pausingtowatchmeholdmybreath,desperatelywantinghertoslipmeintoherhot,wetmouth.
Shedoesn’t.Ifeelherhotbreathonthetip,she’sthatfuckingclose,butshekissesandlicksherwaydowntomyballs,suckingonthemsoftly.
LettingthebreathI’mholdinggo,Idragmyhandthroughmyhairwhenhertongueswirlsaroundme.“Fuck,youlooksogood.”
Shecarriesonteasingme,touchingeverywherebutthetipthat’sthrobbingandglisteningwithprecum.Iknowshe’sgoingtokeepgoinguntilI’matthepointwhereI’mreadytofuckingbegher.
I’mreadytobegnow.
Onefinallookatmytorturedexpressionandshesmiles,lookinggenuinelypleasedwithherself,andI’mreadytofuckthesmugnessoffherface.
Sheslowly—andImeanslowly—lowershermouthontome,andIcan’thelpbutliftmyhipstospeeduptheprocess.Asatisfiedmhmmvibratesagainstmydick,andshehollowsouthercheeksandtriestosuckthesoulfrommybody.
Holyfuckingshit.
Scoopingherhair,Iwrapitaroundmyfistinamakeshiftponytail,holdingittight,movingwiththecontrolledmotionofherheadasshebobsupanddown.
Hernailsscrapedowntheinsideofmythigh,causingmetoflinchforward,hittingthebackofherthroat.ForasplitsecondIworryitmightbetoomuchforher,untilherwateryeyeswatchmethroughthick,darklashes,andevenwhenshe’snoisilygaggingonmydick,shelookssmug.SoIkeepthrusting,deepandprecise,asshehumshappily,meetingeverymovementperfectly.
Don’ttellheryouloveherduringablowjob,youfuckingloser.
Myentirebodytrembles.“Baby,I’mgoingtocome.”
Hermoanofapprovalsendsajoltthroughmybodyandshespeedsup,sloppy,crazedmovements,untilanintensefireignitesinmyblood,disintegratingmyentirebody.
“Fuckkkkk,”istheonlywordleftinmyvocabularywhenIspillmyselfdownherthroat
Dazedandslightlylight-headed,Iwatchhersitupandcleanupthecornerofhermouthwithherthumb,suckingitintohermouth.MystomachheavesasIstruggletocomebackdowntoearth.Wehavealotofsex,butI’malwaystoodesperatetobeinsideofher,butthat…thatwas—
God.Imighthavetoproposetoher.
Tuggingherbodytomine,shelandsonmychestwithasqueak,beforemovingtomysidewithherlegdrapedacrossmystomach.Ipressmylipstoherforehead,holdingherclose,thenslapmyhanddownonherbutt,elicitinganothersqueak.
“Whatwasthatfor?”
“Howmanytimesdidyouask‘arewethereyet?’Hmm?Actionshaveconsequences,Anastasia.”
“Isthatso?”
“Yup,”Ichirp,bringingmyhanddownagain.
Shemaneuversherselftobeonherstomachandsticksherassintheairalittle,theshapeofmyhandglowinglightly.Herheadtwiststowatchme,thesamelightpinkflushinghercheeks.“Arewethereyet,Nathan?”
***
Oneofthosenicethingsabouthavingthehousetoourselvesisbeingabletowalkaroundnaked.
IleaveAnastasiasleepingpeacefullyinmybed,whileIsearchthefridgeforsomethingtofeedus.Takinganorangejuicecarton,Istandatthefloor-to-ceilingkitchenwindow,overlookingthenow-frozenlakeatthebackofthehouse.
Thewhitegoesformiles,brightanduntouched,makingitunclearwherethelakeends,andthegroundstarts.Iknow,though;Iknowouttherelikethebackofmyhand.I’vespentenoughtimeonit,init,arounditovertheyears
Awarmbodywrapsaroundminefrombehind,lipspressinginthecenterofmybackaffectionately.Shestepsaroundme,takingthejuicecartonandbringingittoherlips,leaningagainstmybodywhilewebothstareout.
“It’sbeautiful,”shewhispers.
“Notasbeautifulasyou.”
“You’recheesy.”
“Maybe.ButI’mnotwrong.”THIRTY-SEVEN|ANASTASIA
IhavetheoverwhelmingurgetotellhimIlovehimeverytimehelooksatme,andIdon’tknowhowtomakeitstop.
I’mscaredit’sgoingtocomeoutbyaccidentandthatsomehow,I’llburstthisbubblewe’rehappilyfloatingaroundin.
I’msureeverynewrelationshipstartswithyouthinkingyourpartnerisperfect,butmineis?He’sattentiveandaffectionate,hemakesmefeelvalued,andhestrivestomakemehappy.Notinamaterialisticorafrivolousway,butinawaywhereheactivelyworksbesideme,handinhand,totrytomakemylifebetter.Idon’timaginetherearemanymen,collegemenatthat,thatlookattheugliestpartsofyouandwantyouanyway.
Theironyis,ifIweretosaythistohim,he’dtellmeIdidn’thaveuglybits.
ButIdo,andIfeellikethey’vebeenondisplayforweeks,constantlythrowninmyfaceasawaytobringmedown.BeingherewithNathan,milesawayfromeveryone,IfeellikeIcanfinallybreathe,knowingI’mnotgoingtogetblindsided.Partofmewisheswedidn’thavetogobacktoLAatall,butsomehow,IthinkthebubblewillprobablypopassoonasNate’sdad—mynewarchnemesis—getshome.
Ican’timaginegrowingupsomewherelikethis;staringatthesprawlingestatethroughthekitchenwindowwithNatetookmybreathaway.It’sallcoveredinsnow,butevenso,youcantellhowbigitis.
Asstunningasitis,everythingfeelssovacant,andI’dgiveanythingforababyNathanpicture.Anything
Theskiresorthasbeeninhispaternalfamilyforgenerations,passedfromfathertoson.NateprefersNateorNathan,buthisfullnameisNathaniel,namedafterthegreat-times-something-grandfatherwhofoundedtheresort.
Natehasnointerestintakingover;hehatesthatitwouldgotohimbecausehe’saman,arguingwhywouldhewantaskiresortwhenhissisterisaskiingprodigy.Hegrumbledsomethingaboutfuckingthepatriarchyandwentbacktowhateverhewasdoingatthetime.
Theresortisonlyfifteenminutesfromhere,andIcanseethetipsofthebuildingsfromNate’sbedroom.NathansaidI’mnotallowedtoskiwhileI’mhere,sinceI’veneverdoneitbefore.Hedoesn’twantmetoriskhurtingmyselfwhenIhopefullyhaveacompetitionnextmonth.Hesaidwecancomebackinthefuture,andhe’lltakemeonthebunnyslopeswiththelittlekids.
Itfeltgoodhearinghimmakeplansforthefuture,andIcouldpretendIdon’tknowwhy,butdenialisuselessatthispoint.Everythinghesaysmakesmemelt,andhalfthetimeIdon’tknowhowtoreact,soIkisshim,thenthingsescalate,andbeforeIknowit,I’mscreaminghisnameandseeingstars.
Nathan’sdickdeservesanhonorablementioninthelistofhispositiveattributes.Hismouth,too,andhisfingers.HaveImentionedhisbodyyet?Andhisface.
God,IshouldprobablytellhimallthisandthensayIloveyouandfindoneofthemillionroomsinthisginormoushousetohidein.
Icouldhideforatleasttwodaysbeforehefindsme.
“Howwillingareyoutogetdressed?”
Idon’tanswerhimstraightaway,pretendingI’mthinkingaboutit,andthatIdon’tknowtheanswerisnotwillingatall
“It’snotthegettingdressedbit.It’sknowingIhavetogetundressedlater.”
“IfIpromisetoundressyoulater,willyouputyourclothesonandcomesomewherewithme?”
Ilinkmypinkywithhis.“Onlybecauseyoupromised.”
Gettingdressedisaloteasierthangettingundressed,andwithintenminutesNateisdraggingmetowardhisbackyard,skatesinhand.
“Ican’tbelievethisisthefirsttimeyou’vedonethis.”
WhenNathansaidwecouldskateonthefrozenlakeinhisbackyardIassumedhewasexaggeratingalittle,andI’dbeskatingonalittlepond,butIshouldprobablyneverunderestimatehimbecausethisisnotalittlepond.
Ican’tworkoutwhereitends,sinceitbranchesoffintowhatlookslikesmallerstreamsthroughthetrees.Natetapsonhisphoneuntil“ClairdeLune”beginstoplay,andhegivesmeasmilethatmakesmedissolvealittle.“Dancewithme?”
WepracticemyroutineuntilmybodyissoreandIcan’tseeanythingbutmybreathinfrontofme.Thereissomethingdifferentandrefreshingaboutbeingoutdoorswhiledoingit,butsomethingismissing.Irackmybrain,tryingtoputmyfingeronwhatitis,thenIrealize.
Brady.Nobodyisshoutingatus.
“Waithere,”hesays,skatingofftowardthehouseagain.Reappearingaminutelater,he’sholdingtwohockeysticksandatinynet.“Let’sputallthatrageyouhavetogooduse,Allen.”
FindingoutI’mterribleathockeywasnotwhatIwantedthisholidayseason,especiallygivenmycompany.
I’mnotusedtobeingbadatanything—especiallyonice.
“Stoppouting,”heteases,buryinghisheadintomyneck,hiswarmmouthacontrasttothebitterwind.
Idon’tstoppouting,notevenwhenheletmescoreagainsthimtwice.
“Youaresuchasoreloser,Stas.”
“You’reliterallyadivisiononehockeyplayer!Andyou’refuckinghuge,youtakeupthewholegoal!”Ishoutoverthesoundofhislaughter.
Heskatesouttomeandplantshisfronttomyback,reachingaroundmetogripmyhandsonthestick,cheekflushagainstmine.“Practicemakesperfect,Anastasia,”hewhispers,hittingthepuckstraightintothebackofthenet
Okay,thatwashot
“Let’sgoinside,it’llbedarksoonandIcansensethatyou’regettinghangry.”Hepecksakissagainstmytempleandtakesthestickoutofmyhand.
“I’mbeginningtothinkyouknowmereallywell,Hawkins.”Isigh,spinningtowrapmyarmsaroundhiswaist.“IthinkI’llsticktofigureskating.”
Hischeeksareflushedwiththecold,thetipofhisnosebrightred,eyesglossy.Iloveseeinghimathischildhoodhome,smiling,teachingmesomethingheloves.
Hereachesdowntokissthetopofmywoollyhat–coveredhead.“Ofcourse,Iknowyoureallywell,Anastasia.You’remyfavoritesubject.”
***
Nateinsistedoncookingdinner,whichgavemenothingtodootherthansitinfrontofthefireinmysnowmanonesie,drinkingafancywinefromthewinecellar.
Bythetimedinnerisoverandwe’resittingonthecouchinfrontofHomeAlone2,I’malittlebittipsy.Tipsyisfine,tipsyisfun,tipsymeansthatmycamerarollisfullofcandidpicturesofNathanstruttingaroundinhisreindeeronesieandIcan’tstopgiggling.
WhenIreachdrunk,that’swhenwe’regoingtohaveaproblem,becauseI’mfeelingexceptionallymushy,andthereisarealriskthatdrunkStassieisgoingtoconfessallherfeelings.TheironythatIencouragepeopletocommunicateandshare,butIcan’ttellmyownboyfriendIlovehim,isn’tlostonme.
Nathanbringshisbeertohislips,tiltingthebottleupslightly,andIwatchhimlikeacreep.Hemustfeelmyeyesonhimbecausehelooksover,eyebrowraisedslightly,thengoesbacktowatchingthemovie.Hishairisalittlelongrightnow,andhe’sgotthestartoflittlebrownringletsatthenapeofhisneck.It’ssocu—
“Whyareyoustaringatme?”hegrumbles,tuggingmecloser.
Theproximitytohimismoreintoxicatingthanthewine.Hesmellsgreat.Exceptionallyandoverwhelminglygreat.
“Anastasia?”
Isighandtakeaglugofmywine,prolongingthesilence.HowdoIsaywhat’sinmyheadwithoutsoundingobsessed?I’mabitobsessed,butIcan’tlethimknowthat.
“You’rejustreallyfuckingpretty,Nathan.It’ssuperhardtoconcentratesometimes,doyouknowthat?Doyouunderstandhowdifficultitissometimestofocusonliterallyanythingwhenyou’rearoundmelookingeffortlesslybeautiful?”
Hiseyeswidenatmyconfession,andhischeeksblushalittle.OhmyGod,IthinkI’veembarrassedhim.IshouldprobablyfeelmoreembarrassedthanIdobutwatchingthebloodrushtohischeeksandhimavoidingeyecontact,scratchingnervouslyathisjawistoogood.
“Uh,”hemumbles,threadinghisfingersthroughthehandnotclingingtomywineglass,bringingthebackofittohislips.“Rightbackatcha,Allen.”
Themoviefinishesandhechangesthechanneltosportshighlights,stretchingoutonthecouchuntilhe’shorizontal,holdingouthisarmformetocurlupbesidehim.ButterfliesflutteraroundinmystomachasIlookdownathim,sorelaxedandsettled.Thisfeelslikeasneakpeekatmyfuture,cuddlinginfrontofahockeygame,drinkingwineinahousesurroundedbysnow.
“WouldyoueverwanttomovebacktoColorado?”
“Christ,no.”
“Whydoyouhateyourdadsomuch?”God,I’munstoppablethisevening,whatiswrongwithme?“I’msorry,youdon’thavetoanswerthat.Iknowyou’vetoldmesomestuff,itjustfeelslikethere’smoretoit.”
Hisarmreachesoutandtucksastrandofmyhairbehindmyear,pausingtocupmycheek.“Youcanaskmeanything,Stas.I’mnotsurehateistherightword,”heexplains.“Mymomwassickforalongtimebeforeshedied,andhehiredalltheseprivatenursestolookafterhersoshewasverycomfortable,buthehardlysawher.Heburiedhimselfinwork,Bettymadedinnerandhe’dshowuptoeatthendisappearagain.HesawSashaontheslopesbutotherthanthat,itwaslikehewasaghost.”
Iputmyhandoverhisandgiveitasqueeze.IalreadyknowthatNathan’smom,Mila,diedofarareblooddisorderwhenhewasineighthgrade.
“Longstoryshort,hewascheatingonhisdyingwifewithatwenty-five-year-oldskiinstructorfromtheresort.”IfeelsickasIabsorbhiswords,myheartinstantlybreakingforteenageNate.“Isuspectit’dbeengoingonlongbeforeshegotsick.Thenafewyearslater,whenRobbiehadhisaccident,itwasattheresort.Hismedicalbillswereastronomical,andtheHamletsarewealthy,withgoodinsurance,butDadwouldn’thelp,eventhoughthat’swhatthecompanyinsuranceisfor.”
IalreadyknewthatRobbiewasinjuredinaskiingaccident,butitneveroccurredtomethatitmightbehere.Howdoyouevennavigatethatasateenager?
“Hewasconvincedtheyweregoingtosueandbankrupthim;hewasactingsostrange.HeburiedhisheadinthesandoveritforweeksuntilMr.Hhadnochoicebuttogetalawyerinvolved,whichhe’dneverwantedtodo.TheHamletslovedmymom,andthey’vealwaystreatedmelikeason.”
“That’ssoawful,”Iwhisper,squeezinghishandeventighter.
“Iwon’tforgivehimforthosethings.Ithinkhefeelsguiltynow,alltheseyearslater.IthinkI’vealreadytoldyouDadownsourhouseinMapleHills—heboughtitattheendoffreshmanyear.HepaidforourgaragetobeconvertedintoaroomforRobbie.Wheelchair-accessiblebathroomandalltheshitheneeds.Itwasstrange,we’dbeenstrugglingtofindsomewheresuitabletolive,andsuddenlyIgotaphonecalltosayhe’dboughtahouseonMapleAvenue,andit’dberenovatedintimeforsophomoreyear.”
“I’msorry,Nathan.That’s…alot.”
Hegivesmemyfavoritesmileandpullsmetohiswarmbody,tighteninghisarmsaroundmeandkissingmyforehead.“It’sokay,therearepeoplethathaveitfarworsethanme.I’mnotignorantenoughtothinkI’mnotcompletelyprivileged,andit’sthedefinitionoffirst-worldproblems.Buthe’staughtmeeverythingnottodoasadad…soourkidswillbefine.Waitno,wait,thatdidn’tcomeoutright.OhGod.”
Nowit’smyturntoblush.He’sstilledbeneathmeandneitherofusissayinganything.Whatthefuckdoyousaytothatexactly?WinedrunkStassieisnotthepersonforthisconversationbecauseforsomereasonwhat’sinmyheadisnotwhatcomesoutofmymouth.“Iwanttoadopt.”
Heclingstomeabittighter.“Soundsgoodtome.”
“Ialwayswantedtoanywaybutpushingoutyourbig-assbabywouldabsolutelywreckmyvagina.Like,totallydestroyit.”
“Noted.”
***
I’mstillhalf-asleepwhenIrolloverandreachtowardNathan’ssideofthebed,findingapieceofpaperinsteadofhim.
Runningatop-secreterrand,butIwon’tbelong.
Enjoysnooping.
N
PSImadeyouasmoothie,it’sinthefridge
IhavesomanyoptionsofthingstodoIdon’tknowwhattodofirst.Startingwiththesmoothie,Istandinmynewfavoritespot,lookingoutatthebackofthehouse.ItlookslikesomethingoutofaChristmascardit’sthatbeautiful.Itdoesn’tfeellikereallife.
IttakesmealloftensecondstorealizewhatIwanttodo.Rushingtofindmyskatesandjacket,Iheadoutofthedoortowardmynewfavoriterink.
I’mnotevendancing,I’mjustenjoyingtheview,whichiswhenIspotadeerwatchingmefromthewoodsinthedistance.LivinginLAforthepastfewyearshassuckedafterbeingspoiledbylivinginWashingtonmywholelife.
TheclosestthingtowildlifeinMapleHillsisfratrow.
Itwalksacrossthefrozenground,runningbetweenthetrees,soIskatealittlecloser.IforgottoaskNathanwherethispartofthelakeleadsto,butit’sstraightoutofamoviethewaythetreesareoverhangingwithtinyfrozendropshangingfromeachbranch.
ThedeerisstillwatchingmefromthetreesasIgettotheedgeofthewoods,butthenmyphoneringsanditracesoff.Ipulloffmygloveandbringthephonetomyear,unimpressed.“Hello?”
“Hey,whereareyou?”Nateasks.“Ijustgotback,andIcan’tfindyou.”
“I’mtryingtomakefriendswithadeer,butyourcallscareditoff,”Igrumble,scanningthetrees.
“Adeer?Whereareyou?”
“Skatingbytheedgeofthewoods.IwasgoingtohaveaSnowWhitemomentandeverything.”
“Anastasia,itisn’tsaf—”
ButIdon’theartherestofwhathehastosay.
Becausetheicecracksbeneathmyfeetandthewaterparalyzesmyentirebodythesecondmyheadgoesunder.THIRTY-EIGHT|NATHAN
IneverwantedtobethemanfightinghiswaythroughastoreonChristmasEve,buthereIam
I’msurroundedbypanicked-lookingmen,franticallypointingateverysurface,clearlybuyingthingstheyweresupposedtobuyweeksago.
I’dorderedStassie’smainpresenttobedeliveredtothehouse,soIdidn’thavetotrytotravelwithit,butthedeliverydriverarrivedwhenSashawasn’tin,andDadrejectedthedeliverysayingitwasamistake.
Soit’sbeentwoweeksofarguingwithvariouscompanies,buttheyfinallyemailedlastnighttosayIcouldpickitupinthestore,meaningIreluctantlydraggedmyselfhere.
Iknowshe’sgoingtolosehershitabouthowmuchiPadscost,butIhavethoughtthisthrough.Andshecan’tbemadifI’vethoughtitthrough,right?
ShedoestherapythroughvideocallssinceherdoctorisinWashington,butbecauseshedoesn’thaveherown,shehastoborrowSabrina’s.Ican’talwaysletherborrowminebecauseIuseittotakenotesinclassandit’sgotmyentireschedulebuiltintoit.
Thatbringsmetothesecondbonus:adigitalplanner.Ialreadyknowthatherplannerevolvedfromastickerchart,butIfeellikeit’stimeforittoevolveagain.Ithink,no,I’mconvincedthatifshecaneasilymovearoundherplans—likeshe’dbeabletowithaiPad—she’llbemoreinclinedtobeflexiblewithherself.
It’ssomepsychologyshit,Iknow,butonceshestopsstressingaboutitandusesit,it’llbeagiftshecanbenefitfrom.
Iunderstandherworry.Ourdisposableincomeisnotthesame,they’renotevenclose.Sheoncesaidshecouldn’tskipworkbecausewedon’tallhavetrustfunds,andshe’sright.I’mnotexpectinghertobuymesomethingexpensive,though.I’mnotexpectinghertobuymeanythingbecauseherbeinghereismorethanenough.
ShesobbedattheideaofmebeingaloneonChristmas.Ihaveagirlfriendthatcriesovermyhypotheticalunhappiness.Howisthisreallife?Shemustcareaboutmealot,orthat’swhatI’veconvincedmyself,anyway,soI’mgoingtotellherI’minlovewithhertomorrow.Christmasfeelsliketherighttimetobeexpressingfeelings,right?
Right?
Thedrivebacktothehousetakesfartoolongformyliking.Thereisn’tanytraffic,I’mjustimpatientanditchingtogetbacktomygirl.Iwonderhowmuchofthehouseshe’ssnoopedthroughwhileI’vebeengone.I’mfullyexpectinghertobeinthelivingroomwithacollectionofthingsshewantsanexplanationforwhenIgetback.Iknowshe’sdesperatetoseesomebabypictures,oratleastsomeevidencethatIwasonceachild,sincetherearen’tanypicturesofmeinthehouse.
Luckily,she’snowheretobefoundwhenIfinallywalkthroughthedoor,whichgivesmethechancetostashthebagundermybed,readytobewrappedlater.
Iplodthroughtherestofthehouse,listeningoutforher,buteachplaceIcheck,she’snotthere.Eventually,havinglostallpatience,Ipulloutmyphoneandclickhername.
“Hello?”shehuffs.
“Hey,whereareyou?”Iask,tryingtolistenforaresponseoverthesoundofwindonhersideofthephone.“Ijustgotback,andIcan’tfindyou.”
“I’mtryingtomakefriendswithadeer,butyourcallscareditoff,”shegrumblesquietly.
“Adeer?Whereareyou?”
“Skatingbytheedgeofthewoods,”shesays,makingmyheartsinktomystomach.“IwasgoingtohaveaSnowWhitemomentandeverything.”
IfeelsickasIstartrushingtothebackofthehouse,headingtowardthelakeasquicklyasmybodywilltakeme.“Anastasia,itisn’tsafe.Carefullymoveawayfromthere.”
ButIdon’tthinkshehearsme,becausethephonegoesdeadand,inthedistance,Ihearabloodcurdlingscream.
***
Theysaythatwhensomethingtraumatichappens,timestandsstill,butIdon’tagree.
Icanfeeleverysinglesecondflybymeasmybootscrunchintothesnow.EverythoughtinmyheadseemstobeoccurringattheexactsametimeandIcan’tconcentratethroughthechaos.
She’sstrong,she’ssofuckingstrong,andshecanswim;I’veseenherswimwithmyowneyes.TheluminousorangeliferingcatchesmyeyeasIapproachthelake.MommadeDadinstallitwhenSashastartedwalking;shewasterrifiedthathavingthismuchwatersoclosebywasanaccidentwaitingtohappen.Itugitoffitsstandandcarryontowardthewoods.
Icouldn’tevensayhowlongit’sbeensinceIheardherscream.
TheliferingisbouncingoffmyhipandI’msprintingfasterthanIeverhavebefore,mybreathinfrontofmecloudingmyview,butthenIseeit.Abiggapingholeintheice,fracturedpiecesfloatingaroundonthewater.Everysafetyvideo,article,orpresentation—anyonewithabitofcommonsense—willtellyouthatyoudon’trunonthinoruncertainice.ButI’mnotuncertain,Iknowthiswaterbetterthananyone,whichishowIknewshewasindanger.
IfalltomykneeswhereIknowtheicethinsandcrawltowardthehole,myheartisbeatingsoharditmightbeatrightoutofmychest.TheonlythingIcanthinkis,Forfuck’ssake,pleasebealive.
I’minchesfromwheretheicehassplinteredwhenthewaterbeginstoripple,andherheademerges,herterrifiedeyeslockingwithminebeforeherheadsubmergesagain.She’spanicking.I’mfuckingpanickingasIreachmyarmintothewater,feelingforanypartofherthatIcanlatchonto.
Nothing.
I’mtryingtokeepmyweighteven,offmyfront,alltheshitI’msupposedtodoasIthrowtheringontothewater,hopingthatsomehowshecanfindit.Goinginafterherisn’tthesmartestdecision,mybodycouldgointoshock,too,butit’stheonlyoneIhaverightnow,sonotbeingweigheddownbyclothesisthebestwayformetosurvivethis.
Forusbothtosurvivethis.
Myjacketisoffwhentheropeoftheliferingstartstomovebesideme.Irollover,carefulnottocracktheicebeneathme,andgaspwhenIseehertinyhandclingingtotheedgeofthering,skinblueagainstthebrightorangesurface.HerotherhandjoinsitandIseethecrownofherhead,soIpulltheropeandwatchhertraveltotheedge.
“Stas,areyouokay?Canyousaysomething?Youneedtoholdon,I’mgoingtopullyouout,”Itellherfrantically,voicewobblingwitheverysyllable.
Nothing.
Ishufflebackward,edgingmyselfclosertosaferground,ignoringthestingofthecoldthroughmyclothes,pullingtheropetightlyuntilIfeeltheresistanceofherbodyagainsttheedge.I’mpanting,swearing,closetotears,butIkeeptuggingandfinally,finally,herbodybeginstoslideacrosstheice.IkeepgoinguntilIseeherskatesandIknowherwholebodyisout.Whenwe’refarenoughawayfromthedanger,Istandandriptheringoffher,rollingherontoherback.
Herlipsareblue,delicatefeaturesdeathlypalewithhereyesclosedtight.
“Anastasia?”Icry,pressingmyeartohertolistenforamurmur,abreath,anything.
Sheisn’tbreathing.
Mybodystartsmovingonitsown,tiltingherchinupandpinchinghernose,loweringmymouthtohersandblowinguntilherchestrises.Itugatthezipofherjacket,butit’sfrozen,soIpulluntilitsplitsapart,placingmylinkedhandsonhersternum,pressingdownrhythmicallyuntilit’stimetoblowagain.
Herchestrisesandfalls,butthenitrisesagain,andshebeginstosplutter,coughingandretching,chokingoutallthewater.
“OhmyGod.IthoughtI’dlostyou,”Iwhisper,scoopingherupinmyarms.Hereyescloseagain,butshe’sbreathingonherown,whichgivesmeenoughtimetocoverherinthecoatI’dpulledoffearlierandruntowardthehouse.
Takingtwostairsatatime,Ispeedtowardthebathroom,wantingmorethananythingtostopherviolentlyshiveringinmyarms.Shestillhasn’tsaidanything;Ihavenochoicebuttoplaceheronthebathedgetopulloffherskates.Ensuringshe’sstable,Iturntowardtheshowertoturnitonattherighttemperature.
“Nate,”shewhispers,lipsaslightlymorehumanshadecomparedtotheblue.
“I’mhere.”Itrytoreassureher,desperatelytryingtokeeptheemotionfrommyvoice.Iusherherunderthewarmwater,focusingonthecenterofherbody,wincingwhenshehissesandbeginstocry.“Iknowitstings.I’msosorry,baby.”Theshowerisonlyonamildlywarmsetting,buttoher,it’llbelikestandingunderaboiledkettle.
Strippingoffhercoatandsweatshirt,Iwishmorethananythingthatwecouldgobackintimetoyesterday,whenundressingherwasfunandfilledwithlaughter.
Sheliftsherarmsslowly,allowingmetoridherofunderlayers.“You’redoingsogood,Stas,sogood.I’msofuckingproudofyou,it’sgoingtobeokay.WewillgetyouwarmedupandI’llgetyouadoctor.You’reokay.”
Iupthetemperaturealittleandcrouchtopulloffherpantsandsocksuntilshe’snakedunderthespray,herskinstillfreezingcoldundermyhands.
Theadrenalineissubsiding,therealityofwhathappenedkickinginasshestandsbeforemesobbing,holdingontoherbody.IshedmyownclothesuntilI’mnaked,too,andsteptowardher,pullingherbodytomine,crankingthetemperatureupabitmore,tryingtosootheherasshecries.
Herheadtiltsupandhereyesmeetmineproperlyforthefirsttime,they’reswimmingintears,buttheterrorfromearlierisgone,replacedwithconfusion.“IthoughtIwasgoingtodie.”
Ican’tstopmyowneyesfromstreaming,becauseIthoughtshewasgoingtodietoo.
Ipressmylipsagainsthersgently,lettingmyforeheadrestagainstthecrownofherheadwhenwebreakapart.“IpromisedyouI’dneverdropyouorletyoudrown,Anastasia.Iwillalwaysbetheretosaveyou.”
HerarmstightenaroundmywaistandherbreathhitchesasIturntheshowerupalittlemore.Thecolorisreturningtohercheeksandthetearsareslowingdown.ShegnawsonherlipasIwipebeneathhereyes.
“Iloveyou,Nathan.”Sheclearsherthroatafewtimes,tryingtocleartheraw,gravellysound.“Andthisisn’tsome,Idon’tknow,traumaresponse.I’minlovewithyou,andthat’swhatIthoughtwhenIfellthroughthatice.HowI’veknownforsolongandIhadn’teventoldyou.HowIwasgoingtodieandyouweren’tgoingtoknow,andIwassomadatmyself.IloveyouandI’msorryIdidn’ttellyouwhenIrealized.”
Threetimesshesaiditandmybrainstillhasn’tprocessedit.
“Iloveyoutoo.”Ifinallymanagetostammerout.“I’msofuckinginlovewithyou,Anastasia.”
***
Iwakefrommynightmarewithajump,franticallylookingaroundme.Stassieisfastasleep,hookeduptomultiplemachinesthattellmeshe’sokay,notdeadlikeshewasinmydream.
VailHealthHospitalisnotwhereIwasexpectingtowakeuponChristmasmorning,butIwasn’texpectingmygirlfriendtodrown,either,soI’lllettheimpromptutriptotheERslide.
Assoonasshestoppedshivering,Iredressedherwithasmanylayersasherfragilebodycouldsupportandbundledherintothecartotakehertothehospital.
Iwasexpectingtobeyelledatfornotringinganambulance,whichiswhatIshouldhavedone,butIimaginetheytookonelookatmystressedfaceandthoughtbetterofit.
Thedoctorcommendedmeforsafelybringingherbodytemperaturebackupandgavehertheallclearaftercheckingherover.
Sheheardallclearandthoughtitwastimetogohome,notrealizingthatneitherthemedicalstaffnorIwaslettinghergoanywhere.Ihaven’tlefthersidesinceyesterday;IevenresortedtowavingmycardarounduntilthehospitalupgradedherandprovidedmewithabedforherroomsoIdidn’tneedtoleave.
Thebedisstillperfectlymade,becauseassoonaswewerealone,IclimbedinbesideStas.Ipretendedtobeasleepwhenthenursecameintocheckhervitalssoshewouldn’tmakemegetout.
“MerryChristmas,”Stassiewhispers.
“Goodmorning,baby,”Isay,kissinghertemple.“How’reyoufeeling?”
“LikeIdon’tneedtobeattachedtoafluiddripandI’dratherbeathomewithyouinouronesies.”Herfingersdigintomysidesplayfully.“Ifeelgood,Nathan,Ipromise.It’sChristmas,canwepleasegetoutofhere?”
“Notuntilyou’vebeenlookedover.”
“I’vebeenlookedover.I’mapictureofhealth,let’sgo.”
Myeyesflittothefluidlinestickingoutofherhand.“Ohyeah,youlookit.”
“AtleastI’mnotdead.”Shegigglesatmyshockedface.“Toosoon?”
“It’salwaysgoingtobetoosoon.”THIRTY-NINE|ANASTASIA
Thepastweekhasbeentheepitomeofcalmafterthestorm.
AftermyChristmasmorningdebatewithNateaboutmyhealthstatus,hethreadedhisfingersthroughmineandbroughtthebackofmyhandtohislips.“Shutup,Anastasia.Letmetakecareofyou,please.”
Thehospitalbedwasn’tascomfortableasNathan’shugeheatedone,andthepokingandproddingweren’tthetypesI’musedto.Everyonewasverynicetome,notoncejudgingmeforthesenselessdecisionImadetoventureoutontounsafegroundalone.
Iwasphysicallyandmentallyexhaustedbutingoodspiritsunderthecircumstances.Hepracticallyforcedthedoctortolookovermeonemoretimewhilethenurseremovedmyfluidline.“Protective,isn’the?”Thenursechuckled.
“Very.”Inoddedinagreement.“It’sbecausehecares,though,soIdon’tmind.”
“Ah,younglove.”
Evenafterthemosttraumatizingdayandanightofshittysleep,whenhelookedoverfromthedeskwherehewascollectingmydischargepapers,hissmilemademyentirebodyhumhappily.
“IsentthepictureofyoulookingunimpressedinthewheelchairtoSabrina,andRobbieaskedifI’dletyougoskiing,”hedrawled,drawingalaughoutofme.
Thedrivebacktothehousewasquiet,GeorgeMichaelontheradioandNatetappingalongtothetuneonmythigh.Helookedoveratmeaswepulledupatastoplight.“What’reyousmilingabout?”
“Doyouremembersingingthisdrunkintheshower?”Isaid,thinkingbacktoNathanscreeching“LastChristmas”atthetopofhislungstwoweeksbefore.
“Hey!”Hesqueezesmythigh.“Assoonasthenightisoveryouhavetoforgetaboutdrunkshenanigans.Thosearetherules,Allen.”Hesnuckalookoveratmeagain,grinningwide.“Iloveyou.”
Iplacemyhandovertheonewarmingmythigh.“Iloveyoutoo.”
Wearrivedbackatthehouselatemorning,bothtootiredtomakeaneffortforChristmas,andthatturnedintothethemeoftheweek.ThereliefofbeingbackinNate’sbeddidn’tlastaslongasI’dhoped,andtherealityoftheseriousnessofwhathappenedstartedtohitme.
CallingmyparentsfromNate’sphonewasthestartingpoint.Irealizedmyphonewasatthebottomofthelake,andthey’dbetryingtogetholdofmetowishmeMerryChristmas.MomandDadfreakedthehellout,andIhadtotalkthemoutofflyingherebyconvincingthemIwasfine.
Thenightmaresareintense,butwhenIwakeupinapoolofsweat,terrified,Nathanisalwaystheretolullmebacktosleep.Ifhockeydoesn’tworkoutforhim,he’dmakeagreatnurse.Eachdayhe’stakenmetotheresortspa,bookingmefortreatmentaftertreatment,makingsurethatthereisn’taninchofmethatisn’trelaxed.
Evennow,aweeklater,everyfireinthehouseisburningbecausehe’sworriedI’mgoingtogetsick.Thebenefitofthatishe’salreadyahumanradiator,sotheadditionofthefiremeanshe’shadtostripdowntohisboxerstostaycool.
I’menjoyingtheviewandbeingobsessedwithwatchingNatestrollaboutishelpingmefeelmorelikemyself.
“Stoplookingatmyass,”heshoutsfrominsidethefridge.Hisheadispracticallyrestingontheshelf,andhe’spretendingthathe’ssearchingforsomethingtoeat,butinreality,Ithinkhe’stryingtocooldown.Hedidn’tthinkitthroughwhenhedecidedtoturnthishouseintotheinsideofanoven,buthewouldn’tlistentomewhenIsaidI’mfine,meaningitthistime.
“Thelakeisprettycold,ifyouwanttocooloff,”Ishoutbackathim.
Thefridgedoorstampsshutandhespinstofaceme,lookingannoyed.Hisannoyedfaceissocute.Ishesupposedtobescarywithhispoutylipsandfurrowedbrow?Ifthisiswhathedoesduringagame,he’snotgoingtobeputtingthefearinanyone.“Notfunny.”
Stompingthroughthearchwaybetweenthekitchenandlivingroom,hethrowshimselfdownbesidemeonthecouch.Icrawlintohislap,brushinghishairbackandplantingakisslightlyonhisforehead.“Hey,grumpy.It’sover,okay?I’msafe.YousavedmeandI’mperfectlyhealthy.I’mroastingaliveinthisheat,butI’mgood.”
“Youpromise?”
“Ipromise.DoyouwanttoopentheChristmaspresents?Weprobablyshouldbeforetheyearisover.”Neitherofushasbeenfeelingparticularlyfestive,soallourgiftsarestillinthesuitcase.
“Ithoughtyougavememypresentalready?”
Rollingmyeyes,Iclimboffhim.“CominginsideofmeisnotafreakingChristmaspresent,Nathan.”
“ItmakesmefeeljollywhenIdoit.”
HenarrowlyavoidsthecushionIpickupandthrowinhisdirection,mutteringsomethingaboutmenotmakingthedodgeballteam.Withmyhandsonmyhips,Ihuff.“Willyoujustgetthepresentsuitcase,please?Ineedtodosomethingupstairs.”
Iignorethestrangelookhe’sgivingmeandruntowardthestairs,sprintingupeachstepuntilI’mpushinghisbedroomdooropenandrummagingthroughhiswardrobeforthebagthatIhidwhenwegothere.
IdowhatIneedtodo,pullonarobe,andrushbackdownstairs.Heunpackedallthepresentsandputthemintopiles,nowpatientlywaitingbyhispilewithhislegscrossed.
“Youready?”hesayscheerfully,pickingupapackageIrecognizeasbeingSabrina’shandiwork.Pickinguponeinmatchingwrappingpaper,Ibegintopullitapartandimmediatelyrecognizethebrand.
IlookupatNathan,who’sreadingthebackofhisownbox.“Whatdidshegetyou?”
“APolaroidcamera,whataboutyou?”
“Lingerie.”
HeswallowshardwhenIopenthebox,turningsohecanclearlyseetheblacklaceset.Pluckingthetinythongoutwithmyfinger,Iholditup.“IthinkmaybeBrinhasbeenreadingtoomuchsmut.”
Hescratcheshisjawandblowsoutastrainedbreath.“We’recomingbacktothisreallysoon.Nextpresent?”
JJ’spresentisnextandthesecondNatepullsoffthepaper,hecursesunderhisbreathandreachesforhisphoneonthefloorbesidehim.“Whatisit?”
Huffingwhenhisphonebuzzes,heshakeshisheadandbitesbackalaugh.“Lingerie.”
“Sexy…”
“WhenIwasbuyingyourpresents,JJwantedmetobuyyoulingerie.”
“Soundsaboutright…”
“AndIsaidno,becausetherewasnowayIwaslettingJJandHenrypickyourunderwear.Hesaid,WhatifIbuyherlingerie?andItoldhimI’dripoffhislimbs.So,thelittleshitfoundaloopholeandboughtitforme.”HeturnstheboxaroundandshowsmeabeautifulredcorsetthatIwilldefinitelybewearing,regardlessofwhoboughtit.“Whatdidhebuyyou?”
IsnortasIshowmypresent,whichisalotmoreappropriate.“Heboughtmeamasaladabba.It’satinwithlotsofsmallerpotsofspicesand,uh,heboughtmeself-defenseclasses,weirdly.”
“Yeah,JJwantsyoutobeabletodefendyourselfwhenwe’renothere,”hesayscasually.“IthinkIheardhimsayheboughtSabrinasome,too,soyouwillbeabletopairwithher.”
Great.I’mgoingtogetmyasskickedbySabrina.
Weworkinunison,rippingaparttherestofthepresents,drowninginapileofgiftsfromourlovedonesuntilallthat’sleftistheonesweboughtforeachother.
“Ididn’tbuyyoualot.”Ipreface,handingoverthebagofgifts.“Startwiththatonewiththeblueribbon,but,uh,yeah.You’resuperhardtobuyfor,hasanyoneevertoldyouthat?”
Hehandsmeanidenticalbagandleansoverthepileoftornwrappingpaper,pressingakisstomylipslightly.“Youaremygreatestgift,Anastasia.”
ItearintothefirstpresentandfindtwopairsoftheprettiestpajamasI’veeverseen.“YousaidyouwantedsomethingtoweararoundthehouseandIcouldn’tchoose…”
“Ilovethem,Nathan.Thankyou,”Isay,runningmyfingersacrossthesatin.“Yourturn.”Hepullsthepaperapartuntiltheleggingsfallintohislap.Heholdsuptheleopardandzebraprintandraisesaneyebrow.“Ialsocouldn’tchoose…”
Wegobackandforth,unwrappingandlaughinguntilheputshishandsbehindhisback.“Iforgotaboutthis,soIhaven’thadtimetowrapit,socloseyoureyesandholdoutbothhands.”
“Ifit’syourdick,Nat—”
“Shutupanddoit,please,”hegrumbles,rustlingaround.Ifollowhisinstruction,holdingoutbothhandsasheplacessomethingheavyonmypalms.“Okay,openyoureyes.”
MyeyeswidenimmediatelyasIstaredownattheiPadbox.He’snervouslynibblingonthecornerofhisthumb,hiskneebobbing,staringatmeexpectantly.Idon’tknowwhattosay,soIstareatit.
“Areyoumad?”
Shakingmyheadquickly,myvoicebreaksasIspeak.“No.”
“Doyoulikeit?It’ssoyoualwayshaveitfortherapyandthere’sthiscoolappI’mgoingtodownloadforyou.It’sadigitalplannerandyoucandoschoolnotesan—”
“Nate,Iloveit.I’mjustshockedathowgenerousyouare.Idon’tknowwhattosay,thankyousomuch.”HeboughtmeafreakingiPadsoI’dalwaysbeabletospeaktomytherapist,howishereal?“Seriously,thankyou.”
“You’rewelcome,baby.I’msofuckingrelievedyoulikeit,”headmits,blowingoutasighofrelief.“Okay,thelastgift.Let’sgo.”
Forthelasttime,Iwatchhimtearoffthewrappingpaperandpulloffthelidtothegiftbox.Hismouthpullsintoastraightline,andhelooksatmeinquisitively.“It’sempty?”
ImoveontomykneesandslowlyuntietherobeI’mwearinguntilitfallsoffmyshouldersandpoolsonthefloorbehindme.
“Ikindofcheated,it’ssortofmoreofagiftforme,butIthoughtyou’dlikeit.”TheTitansjerseyisalittlebigonmebutonlyenoughtocoverthetopsofmythighs.Hiseyesarepracticallyblackastheyrakeupanddownme.“Ihaven’tevenshownyouthebestbit.”Shufflinguntilmybackisfacinghim,Ipullmyhairovermyshoulder.
“Hawkins,”hesays,withasoftnessinhisvoiceIhaven’theardbefore.“Youhavemynameonyourjersey.”
Ileanforwardsothejerseyridesupmyass,justrevealingenoughtoprompthimintoaction.
“Youlooksofuckinggood,Anastasia.Jesus.”AfteraweekofbeingtreatedlikeI’mmadeofglass,feelinghisbodypushupagainstmineisaverywelcomechange.Hismouthrunsupthesideofmyneckashishandslipsbeneaththehem.“Iwannafuckyouwiththison,okay?”
“Yes,Captain.”Hishandpalmsmyassandtheexcitementfloodsme.“Ihaveanidea.Canyouliedownonthekitchenisland?”FORTY|NATHAN
WhenAnastasiapostedamotivationalpicturethismorningsayingthedayisonlyasgoodasyoumakeit,Ithoughtitwasgoingtobeanotherexampleofmygrumpygirlcatfishingtheinternetwithherpretendpositivity.
Butapparently,NewYear’sEvemakesherhappy,andnowI’mlyingnakedonthekitchenisland,andmyhandsaretiedabovemyheadwithaChristmaspresentribbon.
Tobetotallyhonest,I’mnotsurehowIendedupinthisposition.Mygirlfriendisacreativevisionary—sheclaims—sowhenshetoldmetodropmyboxersandlieonthecounter,Ididitwithzerohesitation.
WhatcanIsay?I’maweakman.
Idoubtthere’saguyouttherewhowould’vestoppedtoquestionwhatwashappeningiftheirgirlwaswearingtheirjerseywithnopantieson.I’mbasicallyputtyinherverytalentedbutverybossyhands.
Icanhearherrummagingintherefrigerator.“Stassie,whatareyoudoing?”
“Patienceisavirtue,Hawkins,”shechirps,clangingwhatsoundlikejarsagainsteachother.
“I’mnotfeelingveryvirtuousrightnow,Anastasia,”Igruff,tuggingagainsttheribbon.“Quitetheopposite.”
Herfeetpattersoftlyagainstthetiles.Placingwhatevershe’sselectedbesidemeoutofmyview,sheclimbsupontothecounter,thenontopofme,straddlingmyhips.Shehasn’tevendoneanythingandI’mhard,restingagainstthewarmthoftheapexofherthighs.Wigglingagainstit,shemoansquietly,eyesfuckingsparklingasshelooksdownatme.Hereyesrakedownmybody.“You’resofuckinghot.”
Stassiecallsmebeautifulallthetime,evenwhenI’vejustwokenup.Atfirst,Iwasabittakenaback.I’mnotsurewhatitwasinthebeginning;IsortofhaditengrainedinmyheadIwassupposedtobetheonecomplimentingher,andtrustmeIdo,butitturnsoutIlikehearingit.
It’snotjustbeautiful;shecallsmekindandsmart,amongsomanyotherthings.Hearingherrambleabouthowmuchshelikesmeforme,howspecialIamtoher,isbeyondwhatIeverthoughtIshouldexpectinarelationship.
Buthearinghercallmehotwhileshe’sgotmetiedupandmyharddickrubbingbetweenherlegsisawholeotherlevelofIfuckinglovemygirlfriend
Reachingoutofmylineofsight,Ihearthesignaturesoundofalidpop.TheexcitementispracticallybuzzinginmybloodwhenIspotthecanofwhippedcreaminherhand.Bringingthenozzletohermouth,hereyesrollback,andshesquirtsitontohertongue.“Mhmm.”
Myhipsflexforward,nudgingagainstherwetness.Hermouthlowerstomine,thesweetresidueofthecreamonhertongue.
Shesitsbackup,handreachingbackforthecream,immediatelysquirtingitalongtheindentofmyabs.BeforeIcanevencomplainabouthowcolditis,hermouthdescendsandshelicksherwayupmybody,smirkingupatmewhenshefeelsmydicktwitch.
Herhipsmovebackandforth,slidingmebetweenherfolds.Myhandsstrainagainsttheribbonandmybodywigglesunderneathherimpatiently.“Ineedtobeinsideofyou.”
Shetsksandpicksupanewjar.“Notuntilyoubegme,Hawkins.”
AsI’mabouttosnipback,thealarmrings,tellingmethefrontdoorwasopened.
“Nate?”Sashashouts,hervoiceringingoutloudlyacrossthehouse.
Anastasia’seyeswiden,alltheblooddrainingfromherfaceinstantly.“Whatthefuck?”
Tuggingatmyhandsuntilthey’refree,thepairofusscrambleofftothefloor,andIputmyboxersbackon.
“Waitaminute,Sash!”Ishout,movingStassieinfrontofme.Thekitchendoorfliesopen,andSashalooksbetweenusfrantically.
“Ew!”shesqueals.“Wereyoutwo…yuck!Nate!Icookinhere.OhmyGod!”Hernosescrunches,facetwistingindisgust.Withherheadturnedaway,sheshivers.“YoumustbeStassie.I’dhugyou,butIthinkit’dbeawkwardforeveryone.”
Stasshufflesnervously,headhunglowsoherlonghairhidesherpinkcheeks,butshenodsandholdsupahandtowave.
ThisisnothowIwantedthetwomostimportantwomeninmylifetomeeteachotherforthefirsttime.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere,Sasha?You’resupposedtobeinSt.Barts.”
“I’vebeencallingandtextingyou,jackass.Youdidn’tanswer.”Shehuffs,foldingherarmsacrossherchest,stilllookingaway.“Doyouwantmetoboreyouwiththedetailsofourfather’slatestbetrayal,orwouldyouprefertoletyourgirlfriendputonsomepants,y’know,beforeDadbringsthebagsinfromthecar?”
Betrayal?“Gimmefive.We’llberightback,”Ipromise,nudgingamortifiedAnastasiatowardthestaircasethatisn’tgoingtowalkherstraightintomyDad’slineofsight.
“You’resorichyouhavetwostaircases.”
“I’llhumblemyselfforyouandbuyusahousewithonlyonesetofstairs.Willthatmakeyouhappy?”Itease,squeezingherasswhenitbouncesinfrontofmyfaceasweclimbthestairs.“I’msosorryaboutthis,baby.Ican’trememberthelasttimeIlookedatmyphonebeforetextingJJearlier.”
Wereachmyroom,andsheimmediatelyfindsherpantiesandapairofjeans,tyingherhairbackupintoaponytail.Iapproachherfrombehind,wrappingmyarmsaroundherwaistandburyingmyheadintoherneck,inhalingthesmellofhoneyandstrawberryIlove.
Shesighsandsinksbackintomychest,tiltingherfaceuptokissme.“Yourdadisgoingtohateme,isn’the?”
Icanfeeltheanxietyrollingoffher,it’swrittenalloverherface,it’sinherposture,inthedesperationofherkiss.
“Anastasia,listentome.Youdonotneedtoworryabouttheopinionofthatman.IloveyouandIwillbecountingtheminutesuntilIgettogetyouawayfromhim.”
“Sothat’sayesthen,”shesays,shakingoffmyembrace.Shewaitsonthebedandwatchesmegetchangedintojeansandasweater.Ihatethathe’shere,thathemanagedtoburstourbubble.We’regoingbacktoMapleHillstomorrowevening,andweweresoclosetohavingaperfectweek.Nodrownings,nofighting,andnoparent.
“Youchanging?”Iask,eyeingherjersey.
“YourDadeverwatchedoneofyourgames?”ShenodsknowinglywhenIshakemyhead.“Thenno,I’mnotchanging.Okay,let’sgetthisoverwith.AndNate,Iloveyoutoo.”
SashaissnackingawayonchipswithCriminalMindsblastingfromtheTVwhenwereturndownstairs,enteringthelivingroom,handinhand.
“Hewenttotheresort,”shesays,notlookingawayfromhershow.“Hewantsustomeethimforlunchinanhour.”
Great.
“Anastasia,thisisSasha,mybabysister,”Isay,tryingtomakethislessweird.“Sash,thisismygirlfriend,Stassie.”
IfinallystealherattentionfromtheTV,butIinstantlyregretitwhensheraisesaperfectlysculptedeyebrow.“Whyareyouactinglikewehaven’tmet?Icaughtyoutwodoingitinthekitchenliketenminutesago…”
“Jesus,Sasha,”Iwhine,rakingahandthroughmyhair.“That’snotwhatwashappening.Canyoubenice?”
“Tellthattothecanofwhippedcream,Nutella,andstrawberrysundaesauceonthecounter,”shesayswithasnort.
Assoonassherhymesoffthecontentsonthecounter,I’minstantlymoreirritatedrealizingwhatjustgotinterrupted.
“AndIambeingnice.BegladitwasmeandnotDad,”sheturnsherheadtoStassie,“Iamnice,Ipromise.I’mnotjudgingyou,well,otherthanfordatingmyawfulbrother.”
IthrowmyselfonthecouchacrossfromSasha,andAnastasiaawkwardlyhoversonthespot.Ipattheseatnexttomeuntilshesits,buthertemperamentisoff;sheseemsuncomfortable.Ifuckinghatethatsheseemsuncomfortableafterhowgoodourtimeherehasbeen.
“Whyareyouback?Ithoughtyouweren’tbackuntilthedayaftertomorrow?It’sthewholereasonourflightsaretomorrow.”
“Charming.”Shegrunts,turningdownthevolumeoftheTVandcrossingherlegsover.“Itwasn’tavacation,itwasaretreatforbodyconditioningto‘makemestronger’and,Idon’tknow,somebullshitaboutbeingabetterathlete.Ispentatotalofonehouronthebeach.YesterdayItoldhimifhedidn’ttakemehomeI’dneverskiagain,sohebookedusonthenextflightoutofthere.”
IwishIcouldpretendtobesurprisedforhersake,butI’mnot;infact,thisisexactlythetypeofshitIwouldhaveguessedifIhadn’tbeensopreoccupiedlately.ButIfoolishlybelievedhemighthavelistenedtomysuggestion.
Myfatheralwayshasanagenda.Thisafternoonisanotherplot,becausewhyelsewouldyoumeetsomeoneforthefirsttimeinapublicplacewhenthey’realreadyinyourhome?
“Whattypeofmoodishein?”
“Hisusual.Likesomeonestuckaverybigstickuphisassandhecan’tgetridofit.”ShegivesStassieanalmostmenacingsmile.“Youhaveanyexperiencewithoverbearingparents?”
ShelaughsforthefirsttimesinceSasharrivedhome.“Myparentsaresupernice,sorry.”
SashasitsandquizzesStasabouteverysinglethinginherlife,andtohercredit,Stasanswerseverythinghonestly.Bythetimewe’repullinguptotheresort,thepairofthemarethebestoffriends.Ithelpstheyhaveacommoninterest;now,you’dthinkthecommoninterestwouldbebeingsportingprodigies,butno,it’sgrindingmygearsforfun.
Idon’tgettoseeSashaenoughwithoutDadandImisshersomuch.Imissthepersonsheiswhenhe’snotaround,IalmostfeelsadforAnastasiathatthepersonshejustmadeasafriendisabouttodisappearthesecondDadsitsatthetable.Ihopesheunderstands,andshecantellitisn’tpersonal.
“Yougood?”IaskAnastasiaquietly,lookingatourjoinedhandswhereshe’scuttingoffthecirculationtothetipsofmyfingers.Thema?tred’walksusovertoDad’sfavoritetableandoffersusthemenus.Unsurprisingly,he’slateforalunchheorganized.
“I’llhaveaglassofDomPérignon,please,”Sashasays,browsingthemenucasually.
Theguylooksatmepanicked,clearlyknowingwhoweareandnotsurewhattherightansweris.Iputhimoutofhismisery,pluckingthemenufromSasha’shandsandboppingherontheheadwithit.“She’ssixteen.Giveherajuiceboxorsomething.”
“She’llhaveawater,”adeepandfamiliarvoicesaysfrombehindme.“Hello,Nathaniel,”hesayscooly.“Andwhodowehavehere?”FORTY-ONE|ANASTASIA
What’smyname?
Whycan’tIrememberwhatmyfuckingnameis?
IanHawkinsisstandingbesidemelookinglikeDarthfreakingVader,withhishandoutstretchedreadytomeetmeforthefirsttime,andIcannotrememberwhatmygoddamnnameis.Nate’shandsqueezesmyknee,itshouldbeacomfort,butit’sremindingmethatI’mnotspeakingwhenIshouldbe.
“ThisisAnastasiaAllen,mygirlfriend.Stas,thisismyDad,IanHawkins,”Natesayscalmly,movinghishandtothreaditthroughmine.
Nate’sdadlookslikehowIimagineNateisgoingtolookinthirtyyears.He’stall,sharpjawedwithdarkbrownhairandbigbrowneyes.Ifhewasn’tmynewnemesisImightevenadmitthathe’sveryhandsome,butfuckthat.
“Mr.Hawkins,it’snicetofinallymeetyou,”Imanagetoforceoutthroughtheworld’sfakestsmile,shakinghishandlikewe’repoliticiansorsomething.HetakeshisseatdirectlyinfrontofmeandIcan’twaittospendthislunchmakingawkwardeyecontactwithhim.
Althoughrightnow,he’smorebotheredaboutSasha’soutfit.
“Youdidn’twanttogetchangedoutofyourplaneclothes?”Youcan’ttellthathe’straveledforfifteenhours;hisclothesareimmaculate,hairperfectlyinplace.Butwiththatonesentence,thatonesneerinhisteenagedaughter’sdirection,IknoweverythingIneedtoknowaboutIanHawkins.
Herposturechanges,shewithdraws,herchinlowers.Ican’twatchthis.“Youlookcomfortable,Sasha.IwishI’dputmysweatpantsontoo,”IsayascheerfullyasIcan.
It’senoughtocapturehisattentionagain,hiseyesmeetmineandIdon’tlookaway,asmuchasImightwantto.IfeellikeIjustinvitedhimin,hiscriticisms,hisjudgment.Icanseehimsizingmeup,it’sclearinthewayhiseyesbreakfromminetoscanmyface,loweringtolookatwhatI’mwearing.Hismouthcreepsup.“Tellmeaboutyourself,Anastasia.”
“Whatwouldyouliketoknow,Mr.Hawkins?”
“Ianisfine,there’snoneedforformality.Judgingbythewaymysoniscuttingoffthecirculationtoyourfingers,Iwouldspeculatethathe’squiteattachedtoyou,”hesayswithahumorlesschuckle.“Howaboutwestartwithwhereyou’refrom?”
“Seattle,Washingtonoriginally.I’velivedinMapleHillsforschoolforthelastfewyears.”
Thedrinksappearatthetable,staffworkingefficientlyandsilentlyinthepresenceoftheirboss.Natedoesn’tlookawayfromhisdad,scaredtotakehiseyesoffhim,Ithink,butmuttersa“Thankyou,”reachingforhisSpritewiththehandthatisn’tcrushingmine.
“You’rewelcome,Nate,”asicklysweetvoicesays.Webothlookupatthesametime,findingabeautifulblondwomanplacingavaseofwaterinfrontofIan.
IfIhadtoguessI’dsayshewasourage,prettygreeneyesandadazzlingsmile.She’slookingathimwithafamiliarity,asomethingthatmakesmyskinitch.Anuncomfortablefeelingsettlesinmystomach,anditwhipsmybreathawaywhenIrealizethatthefeelingisjealousy.“Ididn’tknowyouwereintown,”shecontinues,completelyignoringmyexistence.“Youshouldhavesaid.”
Hisfingersloosenandmyheartsinksasheletsgoofmyhand,butinsteadhereachestowardmeandtuckshairbehindmyear,handsettlingonthebackofmychairwithhisfingerticklingmyshoulder.“Youaskedfornoice,didn’tyou?”heasks,noddingtowardthedrinksomeoneputdowninfrontofme.
Ifocusontheicecubesfloatingandthecondensationrunningdownthesideoftheglass,insteadofthewomanNathanhasclearlyhadsexwithatsomepoint.
Ineedtostop,thisisunnecessary.Idon’tfeellikethiswhenwe’rebackinMapleHills.Whohe’shadinhisbeddoesn’tbothermethere,buthere,infrontofhisdadandsister,Ifeelthepokerhotenvycreepingthroughmybody.“What?Uh,yeah,itdoesn’tmatter,though.”
Hepicksupthedrinkandoffersittothegirl.“Shedidn’twantice.”Histoneissharp,farsharperthanI’veeverheardhimbe,anditfeelsweirdtoseehimbesocurt.
Thegirllookstakenabackassheacceptstheglassfromhishand,stillnotlookingatme,butmanagingtolookatSasha,who’stryingtohideherlaughbehindherhand.Toomuchtimepasseswithoutanyonetalking.
“That’sall,Ashley,”Iandrawls,boredofthisweirdlittlesituationgoingon.“GetAnastasiaanicelessdrinkassherequested,andletMarkknowwe’rereadytoorderfood.”
Hisharshtonesnapsheroutofherdaydream.“Yes,sir.”
“AndAshley?”
“Yes,Mr.Hawkins?”sherespondsquickly,spinningbackaroundtofacehim.
“Anastasiaispartofthisfamilyandaguest.I’mgoingtopretendthatyougaveherthecourtesyofactuallylookingatherandapologizingforthemistake,asyouwouldwithanyothercustomer.Don’tletithappenagainoryou’llfindyourselfstartingthenewyearlookingforanewjob.”
It’stakingeverymuscleinmyheadtokeepmyjawfromhittingthefloor.Nathanshufflesinhisseat,reclaimingmyhandwithhis.Ianpourshimselfaglassofwaterandtakesasip.“Wherewerewe?School.Whatdoyoustudy?”
ItellhimhowI’majuniorstudyingbusinessmanagement,howI’manonlychild,howI’malreadytwenty-onebecauseIstartedschoolayearlateraftermyadoptionwhenIwasfive,andtohiscredit,henodsintherightplacesandasksfollow-upquestions.
Mynewdrinkarrives,NateandSashasitquietly,probablygratefultheattentionisn’tonthem.Igetasmallmomentofreprievewhenourfoodordersaretaken.Nateleansin,pressinghislipstomytemple.
“Whatareyougetting?”Helowershisvoicetoawhisper.“I’msoproudofyou,baby.You’redoingsowell.”
Idon’tgetachancetoanswerhim,becauseSashatriestoorderachickenburgerandfriesandherdadsaysno.“She’llhavethechickenandcashewsalad,dressingontheside.”
“ButDad,Iwa—”
“No,Sasha.”
IhatethisandeverycriticalthoughtI’veeverhadaboutmyparentsweighsonme,crushingmewithguilt,becausemyparentshavenevermademefeelasshitasIdojustwatchinghiminteractwithSasha.ThewordscomespillingoutofmymouthbeforeIcanstopthem.“Theworldisn’tgoingtoendifsheeatsaburger.”
Forthefirsttimesincewesathere,Iseeaflickerofemotiononhispermanentlyindifferentface.Hiseyebrowcreepsupandhislipspurse,andsuddenly,helooksnothinglikeNathan.Hedoesn’thaveNathan’ssofteyesorthecheekygrinthataccompanieshiseyebrowwhenitrisesinsurprise.
“Notthatit’sanythingtodowithyou,butSashahasacompetitioncomingup.Sheneedstosticktohermealplan.”
“SodoI,butoneburgerisn’tgoingtoderailhercareer.Ifshewantsaburger,sheshouldgetone.I’mgettingtheburger,”Isnapback.
Idon’tknowwhyI’mdoingthis,whyI’mpurposelyrilingupamanIwanttolikeme,evenifIdon’tlikehim.Ican’thelpit.Iwanttoprotectherfromallthethoughtsthatwillplagueherwhenitcomestoeating,longafterhestopschoosinghermeals.
Idon’tevenwantthefreakingburger.Iwasgoingtoorderthesalad.
Nate’shandsqueezesmyknee,asignofalliance.“Canwegetthreechickenburgersplease,Mark.Nosaladneeded.”
MarklookstoIan,whoplaceshismenubackonthetableandgivesasmallnodofapproval.WhenMarkheadsbacktowardthekitchen,loudlyblowingoutasighofrelief,IimmediatelyfeeltheweightofwhatIjustdid.Sashaislookingatherdrink,teethnibblingtheskinatthesideofherthumb.
“Idon’tappreciateyourinsolenceinfrontofmystaff,”Iansaysflatly.
“Dad—”Nathaninterjects.
“I’mtalkingtobothofyou,”hegruffs.“Youmighthaveenjoyedyourtimeherepretendingtobeincharge,butwhileyou’reeatinginmyrestaurantandsleepingundermyroof,you’llshowmesomerespect.”
Nate’sbodystiffensandIfeelthetensionbrewing,butbeforeitcanprogressSashaspeaks.“You’reafigureskater,right?That’syoursport,Stassie?”
Andthat’senoughtocaptureIan’sattention,sowestartthedancealloveragain.
***
Nathan’sbedroomfeelsliketheonlysafeplaceinthehouserightnow.
Lunchcouldhavebeenworse,Isuppose,butitdefinitelycouldhavebeenbetter.Nathanthinksitwentwell,whichtomeisweirdandmakesmeseriouslyconsiderhowbadthingscangetifthisisanexampleofthingsbeinggood.
TonightthereisahugeNewYear’sEvepartybeingthrownbyNate’sdad,whichtheresortdoeseveryyearfortheguestswhospendtheholidaysthere,andourpresenceisexpected
AsNatesnoozesagainstmystomach,Ican’thelpmymindwanderingtoMilaHawkins,NateandSasha’smom.Howwonderfulmustshehavebeentoproducekidslikethem,withahusbandlikethat?
Irememberweeksandweeksago—beforeIrealizedhowIhadabsolutelynochancetodoanythingbutfallheadoverheelsinlovewiththisman—hetoldmehe’sthewayhismomraisedhim.Allinwithhiswholeheartandhead.Natesaysshewouldhavelovedme—Brin,too—becauseshelovedastrong-headedanddeterminedwoman.
That’showshewasraisingSashabeforeshepassedaway.Icanseetheflickersofitinherwhenherdadisn’taround,andIwishtherewereawayIcouldtakeSashbacktoLAwithus.
“Yourthoughtsareveryloudsometimes,”Nategrumblesfromhisspotonmystomach.Helooksup,eyessleepyandcheekspink.“What’reyouthinkingabout?”
“Theparty,”Ilie.
“We’renotgoing.It’spretentiousandyou’llhateit,”hesays,pepperingkissesaroundmybellybutton.“Thisroomhasthebestviewofthefireworksanyway.”
“Yourgirlfriendwillprobablyspitinmydrinktoo.”
Hesighsheavily,restinghisheadagainstmyskinbeforelookingbackupatmewithasadexpression.“Iwishtherewasn’tanyonebeforeyou,butIcan’tchangethepast.Icanpromiseyoutherewillbenooneafteryou.Shewasnevermygirlfriend,though.Wewerekids.Wewenttohighschooltogether,hookedupsometimeswhenIcamehomefortheholidays.”
“I’mkidding,Iswear.I’msorry,Idon’tknowwhyIfeeljealous.IswearIdon’tfeellikethisnormallyandIdon’tcarewhatyoudidbeforeme,IpromiseIdon’t.Idon’teventhinkit’saboutsex,Ithinkit’sbecauseshefitsintotheversionofyouthatexistshere.Theonewhowearssnowbootsandplayshockeyonthelakeinhisbackyard.You’resorelaxedhereandIcausedthemoststressfulsituationeverandIjus—”
“Anastasia,”hesayssoftly,interruptingmyrambling.“I’mrelaxedbecauseyou’rehere.ThisisthefirsttimeinyearsI’veenjoyedbeinghere,andthat’ssolelybecauseyouareherewithme.Thereisn’taversionofmethatisbetterwithoutyoubymyside.”
“Iwasthinkingaboutyourparents,”Iadmitreluctantly.“Howgoodyourmommusthavebeenforyoutobethewayyouare.”
Hewigglesupmybodyuntilwe’refacetofaceandnuzzlesmynosewithhis.“Shewasthebest.I’mnothinglikehim,Stas.IswearI’llbesogoodtoyou.You’llneverhavetoworry.”Theseriousnessinhisfacepullsatmyheart,andtheideathatNathancouldeverbeputinthesameleagueashisdadisabsurd.
“Iknow,Nate.IpromiseyouthatIknow,andIdon’tdoubtyouforevenasecond.I’mveryluckyandIdon’ttakethatforgranted.”
Hismouthmeetsmine,softatfirst,thenmoreintense,moreurgentasIsinkmyfingersintohishairandlethimnestlehisbodybetweenmylegs.Loveispouringoutofhim,everytouchsoftandcaring,everylookandmotionspecificallydesignedforme,forus.Andwhenhesinksintome,makingmewrithebeneathhim,hewhispershowmuchhelovesmeintomyear,howperfectIamforhim,howhe’stheluckyone.
Ilosecountofhowmanytimesmybodysqueezestightaroundhis,howmanytimesIburymyfaceintohischest,hisneck,hispillow,howmanytimesIhavetostopmyselffromscreaminghisname.Hisfingersaredeepinthefleshofmyhips,guidingmeasheburieshimselfsodeepinsideofme,Icanfeelhiminmybones.Hischestheaves,stomachflexes,pulsehammersagainstmylipsonhisthroat.
Andwhenhespillshimselfintome,heclingstomesotightthatI’mnotsurehowwe’reeverexpectedtobetwoseparatepeopleeveragain.FORTY-TWO|NATHAN
IleaveStassieTetris-ingoursuitcasesandheadtothekitchentograbheradrink,desperatetogetoutofthewaysoshedoesn’taskmetohelp.
Pushingthedooropen,weirdly,theonepersonI’mnotexpectingtobumpintoismydad.Itsoundssillytosayyoubumpedintosomeoneintheirownhouse,buthe’sneverhome.
Isuspecthehasn’tnoticedme,toobusyengrossedinwhateverhe’sreading,butthenhespeaks.“Whattimeareyouleaving?”
“Acoupleofhours.”
“Ilikeher.She’sstrongwilled.That’sgood.She’llneeditifshewantstosucceed.Youloveher?”
“Yes.”
Henodstohimselfandfinallylooksatme,linkinghishandsandrestinghischinonthem.“SheremindsmeofyourmomwhenIfirstmether.Bold,beautiful,notafraidofanything.Shecalledyourgrandfatherapigheadedmisogynistonce,y’know.”Hesmiles,andforthefirsttimeinsolong,itfeelsgenuine.“Tohisfaceaswell.Ialmostchokedonmydrink,Iwasmortified,andwhenwearguedaboutit,shechallengedmetoprovehewasn’tapigheadedmisogynist.”
Ileanagainsttheworktop,givinghimmyfullattention,desperatetohearaboutMom.“Ididn’tknowthat.”
“Icouldn’t,obviously.Yourgrandfatherwasabastard,forlackofabetternameforhim.Hewasveryhard,andyourmotherdidn’tlikeitabouthim.Ithinkshewastheonlypersonwho’deverstooduptohiminhiswholelife.Shewastheonlypersonwhoeverstoodupforme,atleast.”Hepicksupthepapershewasreading,andIthinktheconversationisover,butheputsthembackdown,sighing.“Anastasialovesyou,too,thatmuchisclear.Awomanlikeher,onelikeyourmom…she’llbefiercelyloyalandprotective.You’relucky.”
“IfMomwassogreat,whydidyoudoit?”
Idon’tneedtoclarifywhatitis.HeknowswhatI’mtalkingabout,evenifIhaven’tsaidthewords.
“Humansmakemistakes,Nate.”
“Somemistakesareunforgivable.”
Henods.“Iknow.”
Stassieburstintothekitchen,slowingwhenshespotsthetwoofusoneithersideoftheisland.“Sorrytointerrupt,Icanjus—”
“What’sup,Stas?”
“Ineedyoutositonthecase.Itwon’tcloseandSashaisn’theavyenough.”
“I’llhelpinasecond.”
Shenods,leavingasquicklyasshearrived.Ilookbackatmydad,buthe’sreturnedtowhateverpapershewaslookingatearlier.
Rightnow,withthedefeatedslackofhisshouldersandtheblankexpressiononhisface,Irealize,forallhisfaults,noonecanloathehimmorethanheloatheshimself.
***
ItfeelsbittersweettobeheadingbacktoLA.Sure,puttingathousandmilesbetweenusandmydadisthebestthingtodoforeveryone’ssake,butIdidn’tgetenoughofwatchingStassiegofullbigsisteronSasha.
IknowIshouldbegratefulforthedaytheydidgettogethersinceweweren’tsupposedtoseeheratall,butI’mgreedy.I’mgreedytoseethembothsohappyineachother’scompany.
Stassie’sNewYear’sresolutionistoreadmore,soourentireflightbacktoCaliforniaisspentwithhernoseburieddeepinthebooksheboughtattheairport.
“It’sareversePrettyWomanretelling,”shetellsmeexcitedly.“She’sautisticandshehiresanescorttohelphergetbetterinbed.It’ssogoodandStellaissofunnyandcute.”
Ipinchthebookfrombetweenherfingers,examiningtheturquoisecover,thenflickingtoarandompageinthemiddleofthebook.“You’rereadingporninpublic?You’redisgraceful!”
Herhandfliestowardmymouth,shushingmeasIthrowmyheadbacklaughing.“Stopshouting,”sherasps,lookingaroundtoseeifanyoneislisteningtous.Hervoicelowers,andshepullsmecloser.“It’snotporn.It’saromancebookthathappenstohavealittlebitofsexinit.”
Shetriestohideherface,butIhookmyfingerunderherchin,tiltingherfaceuptomine.Igentlypressmylipstohers,leaningintohereartowhisper.“Anythingyouread,I’lldotoyouwhenwegethome.”
WhenIleanback,Icanseethousandsofpossibilitiesflashingacrossherface.“It’shonestlynotthatkindofbook…butIdohavesomeathomethatmightbe,”theflushofhercheeksintensifies,“ofinteresttoyou.”
“Iloveawomanwhoenjoysreading.”
***
“Fuckoff,Hawkins.You’vehadherforweeks,can’tyoushareherfortwofreakingminutes?”
Iwasn’tevendoinganythingwhenSabrinastartedhurlingabuseatme.Well,IleanedovertokissStassieonherheadasIpassedthepairofthem,butotherthanthatI’veleftthemalone.Henry,however…
“You’renottheonlyonewhoneedstotalktoher,Sabrina,”hegrumbles,crossinghisarmsandputtinghisbig-assfeetonthecoffeetablelikeapetulantchild.“Ihavestuff,too,y’know.”
Crossingtheroom,winkingatherinsteadofgoingnearher,becauseSabrinafuckingterrifiesme,IthrowmyselfdownbesideHen.“S’upwithyou?”IhandhimabeerwhilehelooksatmelikeI’vegottwoheads.“Yourstuff?CanIhelp?”
“Idon’thavestuff…butIcouldhavestuffifIwantedtohavestuff.IcouldhavemorestuffthanSabrina.Icouldhavemorestuffthanallyouguys.”
“NoonehasmorestuffthanSabrina,”Robbiewhispers,lookingoverhisshouldertocheckshe’snotlistening.“Bothmetaphoricallyandliterally.”
Catchingupwiththeguystookalloffifteenminuteswhenwegothome,butSabrinacan’tdoanythingwithinfifteenminutes.Fifteenminutesisherminimumwarm-uptime.
Afteranotherhourofhushedconversationinthekitchen,AnastasiasauntersoverwithBrinandsqueezesherassbetweenmeandHenry.“DidyouhaveaniceChristmas,Henry?”
“Youdrowned,”hesaysinresponse
Itstunsheralittleandherheadwhipsroundtolookatme,quicklylookingbacktoHenry.“Iknow,butI’mokaynow.Nathanpulledmeout.”
“Youcouldhavedied.”He’slookingathishandsinsteadofher,andIdon’tknowwhyI’msurprised.HenrylovesStaslikeshe’shissister,andhe’smessagedmeeverydaytocheckshe’sokay.Ithoughtthatwasenoughforhimbutclearlynot.
“ButIdidn’tandI’mhere,”shesayssoftly,leaningherheadagainsthisshoulder.
Hestandsupquicklyandheadstothekitchen,staringintotherefrigeratorforlongerthanheneedsto.“Canwegotobed?I’mtired,”shesaystomequietly.ItakeonelastlookinHenry’sdirectionandgiveheranod,knowingthekidneedsabitofspace.
Followingherupstairs,weworkasateamtowash,undress,andbrushuntilwecantumbleintobed.Shesnugglesintome,tracingherfingersacrossmychest.“Imissyourbed.”
“Wantmetobuythesamemattress?”
“No,”shesays,draggingouttheOlikeshewantstosayyes.“There’snopoint,you’regraduatinginsixmonths.It’lljustbesomethingelseforyoutomoveout.”
“Yeah,butyou’llstillbehere.”
ThetemptationtofailthisyearandretakeitsoIgettograduatewithherisstrong.Weird?Yes.DoIcare?No.IthinkVancouverViperswouldcare,though,andthat’stheonlyreasonIgotoclass.
Anastasiauncurlsherselffrommybody,movingtositfacingmewithherlegscrossed.“Nathan…Idon’twanttoliveherenextyear.Especiallysinceyou’llbeinCanada.”
“Whynot?”Anuncomfortablefeelingsettlesinmystomach,andIwishIcouldgobackthirtysecondsandnotstartthisconversation.“WhydoIfeellikeyou’reabouttotellmesomethingIdon’twanttohear.”
“Youprobablydon’t,butitdoesn’tmeanweshouldn’ttalkaboutit.”Shechuckles,placingherhandonmythigh.“Ilovethatyouguysseemhappywithmelivinghere.Honestly,Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedonewithoutyou.ButlikeI’vetoldyousomanytimes,Iwanttogobacktomyapartment.”
“Youwanttolivewiththeguywhoshit-talksyouconstantly?”Isayharshly,farharsherthanIintended.
“Look,Iknowitmightnotmakesensetoyou,anditdoesn’thaveto.BrinhasbeenfillingmeinonthestuffI’vemissedwhileI’vebeenphoneless,andIthinkAaronisfinallyreadytosortthingsout.”
“Anastasia,he’sbeenviletoyou.He’saliarandabully.Youdon’tneedhim.”
“Yeah,I’mmorethanaware!Itplaysonaloopinmyhead,butI’mnotsuggestingI’mfriendswithhim.AndIdoneedhim.He’smyskatingpartnerandunlessIwanttostartfromscratch,whichaftertwoyearsofpainI’mnotpreparedtodo,Ineedtofindawayforthetwoofustoworktogetheragain.”
“Ifuckinghatethis.”
“Iknowyoudo,bub.AndIlovehowprotectiveyouare,butmelivingherewasalwayssupposedtobetemporary.Doyouknowhowharditisspendingeverysecondwithyou,knowingyou’releavingmeinsixmonths?”
“Idon’tliketheideaofmoving,either,butyouknowIhavenochoice!”
“Itisn’twhatImean,Nathan.Ofcourse,Iwantyoutoplayforyourdreamteam.Evenifyouweren’talreadysigned,I’dsupportyougoinganywhere.”Shesighs,andthatnoise,theoneIhearsooften,theonethattellsmehowmentallyexhaustedsheiswiththissituation,makesmehatethefactourholidaybreakisendinglikethis.“WhatImeanisIwanttobeexcitedforyouinsixmonths,notcryingbecauseIdon’twantyoutomoveout.Ithinkit’llbealoteasierifIliveinmyownplaceagain.”
Shetapsherfingersagainstherlips,andherlegbobs;she’snervous.Myhearthammers.“Whataren’tyoutellingme?”
Thehandonmythighrubsupanddown,comfortingmebeforeshe’sevengivenmewhatevershittynewsshe’saboutto.“Aaron’sbeenclearedtoskate.Iwasgoingtotellyouinthemorningbecauseit’sbeensuchalongday,butIthinkitmeansyoucangobacktohockey.”
Playinghockeyagainshouldbemusictomyears,butinreality,itfeelslikeshe’sslippingaway.“Sowe’renotgoingtobeskatingtogetherandyou’removingout,”Isnap.“WillIjustbeaThursdaynighthookup,then?Whenyoucanmaketimeformeinyourplanner?”
Iregretitassoonasthewordsleavemymouth.
HereyeswidenandIwatchherbodytense.“You’reupset,Nathan,butpleasedon’ttalktomelikethat.”
Iapologize,buttheshameI’mfeelingdoesn’tallowmetotalkaboveawhisper.
“You’remyboyfriendandIloveyou.IwillseeyouasmuchasIpossiblycan,butyou’rejumpingtoconclusions.I’mhearinghimout.That’sall.”
“Youhaveabigheart,Stas,”Imumble,pullingherbodybacktomine,instantlyfeelingbetternowshe’sbackinmyarms.“Idon’twanthimtobreakit,morethanhealreadyhas.Idon’ttrusthim,butItrustyouandyourjudgment.I’llbethereforyouwhateveryoudecide.”
Shedriftsofftosleepquickly,andIlistentothesoftsoundofherbreaths,lettingthemsoothemeasmuchastheycan.Itdoesn’tworkandIfallasleepthinkingabouthowmuchIabsolutelydonottrustAaronCarlisle.
***
Thesmelloffreshflowersisoverpoweringeverysingleoneofmysenses,andI’mitchingtogetbackinmycar.Theflorististakinghersweet-asstimewrappingupthepeoniesIpickedout,andI’mpainfullyawareofJJmillingaroundbehindme,mumblingtohimself.“What’reyougruntingabout?”
Hetuckshishandsintohispocketsandshrugs.“Iwantahotguytobuymeflowers.”
Istareathim,waitingforhissignaturesmirktobreak,toknowhe’sjoking.“You’reserious?”
“I’mjustsaying,flowerswouldbenice,y’know?ThepeopleIdatealwaysexpectmetobuythemflowers.It’salways,‘JJ,wow,yourdickissobig,’or‘you’resosmart,’or‘JJ,thatwasthebestsexofmylife.’It’snever,‘JJ,Iboughtyousomeflowers.’Whatever,itdoesn’tmatter.”Hekicksatsomethinginvisiblewithhisfootandwandersofftolookatsomesunflowers.
WhenIturnbacktotheflorist,she’sstoppedworkingtolistentoJJ’sflowertragedytoo.I’mshakingmyheadasIreachintomypocketformoremoney.“CanImakeittwobouquets,please?”
Istillhavethesicklysweetfloralsmellstuckupmynoseonthedrivebackhome.JJhasashit-eatinggrinonhisfaceasheclingstohislightbluepeonies,Anastasia’spinkonesrestingbetweenhiskneestopreventthemfromgettingdamaged.
Manipulativelittleshit.
I’dlovetosaymydesiretobuymygirlfriendflowersisonlybecauseIloveher,butifI’mhonest,they’reguiltflowers.
Beautiful,expensiveguiltflowers.
Idon’tlikehowItalkedtoherlastnight,andwhileIapologizedandIregrettedwhatIsaidimmediately,inmyheadIwantedtosayawholelotworse.
IwantedtoshakeherandremindherofallthehorriblethingsAaronhassaidtoher,allthewayshe’smadeherfeelawful.Makeherseeexactlywhyheshouldbeinourlivesaslittleaspossible.
Butthat’snotfairbecausesheknows.I’veheldherwhileshesobbedoverhiswords;sheknowsexactlywhysheshouldstayawayfromhim.Ican’tpretendthereisn’tahugechunkofmethatsimplydoesn’twanttoshareherwithhim.
Skatingwithherbasicallyeverydayforsixweekshasspoiledme.Wakingupbesideher,cookingwithher,evendowntoworkingoutandstudyingwithherhasspoiledme.
WhatifshemakesupwithAaronandshedoesn’tneedme?
Iwanttobuildalifewithher—onethat’llexistwhenMapleHillsisamemory—sothisfeelslikewe’reabouttogobackward.Everyinstinctistellingmetoclingtoher,interfere,protecther,butIknowitisn’tright.Iwon’tbethatguy;Iwon’tjustcavetomyselfafterAnastasiahasworkedsohardtoworkonherself.Shedeservesthebestversionofme,andthatversiontrustsandsupportshisgirlfriend.
Healsobuysherflowerswhenhe’sadick.
JJandIwenttoseeCoachFaulkner,andluckily,hewasingreatspirits.Healwaysisaftertwoweekswithoutus.He’safamilyguythroughandthrough,anddespitehowfuckingterrifyingheis,he’sasoftgirldad,soheloveshavingtheholidaysoffwiththem.
Hedoesn’ttalkabouthisgirlsmuch.ImogenandTheaareatleastintheirlateteensnow,butI’mtooscaredtoask—evenifit’stobepolite.
FaulknerconfirmedwhatBrinnysaid,whichwasbothareliefandastress.AarongotacleanbillofhealthwhilehewasbackinChicagoforChristmas;Bradyemailedhimthismorningtosayeverythingwillbebacktonormaltomorrow.
“Cheerthefuckup,”CoachdemandedwhenIwasn’tasoverjoyedashewasexpecting.“Ifthisisaboutthatgirl,Hawkins.IsweartoGod…”
“She’smygirlfriend,sir.”
Hesighedheavily,pinchingthebridgeofhisnosebetweenhisthumbandfinger.“Justwhatyouneededinyoursenioryear—agirlfriend.FortheloveofGod,makesureyouuseprotection.Imeanit,forbothofyoursakes,wrapitup.”
JJsnortsbesideme,untilFaulknerspearshimwithoneofhisfamousglares.“Don’tevengetmestartedonyou,Johal.”FORTY-THREE|ANASTASIA
Forthefirsttime,I’mrelievedtobewakingupalone.
TheconversationIhadwithNatelastnightweighedheavilyonmymindasIfoughttosleep.WhenhenudgedmethismorningandsaidhewasgoingtoseeFaulkner,Ididn’tfighttokeephiminbed.
Evenwithoutaproperconversation,Icouldtellhewasinaweirdandsulkymood,likelyriddledwithguilt.He’sbeenblowingupmyphonesinceheleft,apology,justification,apology,rant,apology.It’sexhausting.ButIputNateandhisworriestothebackofmymindwhileIdealwithmysecond—maybejointfirst—favoriteman.
Punchinginthecodewhenheshoutscomein,IfindHenryonthefloorsurroundedbypaintsandahugecanvas.I’mcarefulnottointerferewithhisprocessasIsitbesidehim,butI’mcloseenoughthathehastofaceme.“Henry,isthereanythingyouwanttotalkabout?”
Hisheadshakes,adefinitiveno.It’saverydeterminedbutunconvincingno,buthislooksinmydirectiongetmorefrequentafterawhileuntilheeventuallyputsdownhispaintbrush.“Ican’tstopthinkingaboutit.”
“Tellmewhy.Theycheckedmeoversomanytimes,IpromiseI’mfine.”
“Istartedgooglingstatisticsofpeoplewhofallthroughfrozenlakes,thenthosewhodiebecauseofit.Thensomehow,Iendeduponpeoplewhogetseverelyinjuredfigureskating,andIcouldn’tstoplookingatallthesethingsthatmighthappentoyou.”
“Oh,Henry.”
“Ican’tstopobsessingoverit,Anastasia.Younearlydied.Idon’tknowhowtomakeitstop.”
“I’msorryIscaredyou.Iwasscared,too,butIpromiseyouI’mhealthy,anditwon’thappenagain.”
“Pleasedon’tskateonfrozenstuffoutdoorsanymore.”
“IpromiseIwon’t,butIneedyoutopromisemeyouwillstoplookingatstatistics.Doyouneedahug?”
Thinkingaboutmyoffer,hechewsonhislipalittle,butthenheagainshakeshishead.“No.Ipromisetotrytostoplooking,Ijustcan’tsometimes.It’slike,onceit’sinmyhead,itburrowsandburrows,andthenIcan’tgetitout.Ihateitaboutmyself,andIdon’tknowwhyIhavetodoit.”
“YouknowIloveyou,right?Andthatthereisn’tonesinglethingthatIhateaboutyou.”
“Iknowyoudo,andthat’swhyIworryaboutyou.I’veneverhadwhatwehavebefore.”Hisconfessionshocksthewordsrightoutofme.“Idon’twanttoloseit.”
IwatchhimpaintuntilIhavenochoicebuttogetreadyformymeetingwithAaron,andeventhen,leavinghimishard.
***
ItfeelslikeI’mgoingtoajobinterviewasIwalkthroughtheentrancetowardBrady’soffice.
AaronlooksasuncomfortableandnervousasIdo,whichmakesmefeelalittlebetter.Brady’sofficeissmall,butthetableisbigenoughformeandAarontositoppositeeachother,withCoachtooursidelikesomedivorceattorney.
“Thanksforcoming,Stassie.IknowIdon’tdeserveyourtime.”
Bradyimmediatelygroans.“Let’snotgetdramaticstraightoffthebat,Aaron.”
Itrytostayindifferentandnotreact.“Youhavemyattention.Whatdoyouwanttosay?”
“I’vebeencrueltoyouandyoudidn’tdeserveit.”Hesitsupstraightinhischair,flexinghisfingers.“Ihaven’tbeenthepartner,orthefriend,youdeserve.”
“Youknowwhatyouhaven’tsaidtomyfaceyet?”Staycalm.“Youhaven’tsaidsorry.Youhaven’tsaidI’msorry,Stassie.I’msorryI’veslut-shamedyou.I’msorryIcreatedasituationsotoxicyoumovedout.I’msorryIbad-mouthedyoutoeveryone.”
“Anastasia,please,”Bradysays,clearingherthroat.“We’reheretofixthings.Iknowhowmuchyoubothcareabouteachother,let’sfocusonthat.”
“Hesaidnobodywouldbeabl—”Myvoicecracks.“Hesaidnobodywouldbeabletolovemewhenmybirthparentscouldn’t.Didhetellyouthat,Coach?Whenhesaidhewantedtofixthings?”
“Aaron.”Brady’sfacepales,hervoicestrains.“Pleasetellmeyoudi—”
Heburieshisheadinhishands.“It’strue,Coach.Isaiditallandworse.I’msosorry,Anastasia.”
“I’vedefendedyousomuch,Aaron.Whenyourbehaviormadepeoplethinkyouweretoxic,Itoldthemyouweremisunderstood.Atthesametime,youwerecallingmeabadskaterandtellingpeopleIwastryingtotrapNatewithababybecauseI’mpoor.Doyouevenrealizehowfuckedupthatis?WhathaveIdonetomakeyouhateme?”
That’senoughtogethisattentionandhefinallylooksupatmeagain.Hisfaceisblank;he’scalculatingtheappropriatereaction,becausehedefinitelydidn’tknowIknewthat.“MyDadhadanotheraffair.GotthisonepregnantandMomfinallykickedhimout.She’sourage,Stas.Doyouknowhowsickthatis?I’mgoingtohaveasiblingandtheirmomissomeoneIcouldhavedated.”
“Yourmomdoesn’tdeservetobetreatedlikethat.Sheneverhasdone,butIdon’tunderstandwhatthishastodowithme?”
“Youhaven’tbeenaround!Ineededyou,neededyoursupport,andyou’vebeennowhere.You’vebeenpartyingandhangingaroundwithguysyoudon’tevenlike.Ifeltaloneanditmademesomadatyou.”
Allthisheartache,allthetears,andthehurting.Allthefeelingsofnotbeinggoodenough,wonderingifIdeservewhatIhave,allbecausehedidn’ttellmesomethingwaswrong.
“I’vebeensoupsetaboutyounotbeingagoodfriendthatI’vebeenanevenworsefriend.Idon’texpectyoutoforgivemeyet,butIwanttoearnit.Iknowthat’lltaketime,andIhaveanideaofhowwecanworkthroughit.”
Stayfreakingcalm.“They’rewords,Aaron.Theydon’tmeananything.”
“There’sthistherapisthereinLAcalledDr.Robeska.Shespecializesincouplesbutnotinaromanticway,”heclarifiesquickly,“peoplelikeus—pairsandteammates.MymomsaidshewillpayforitafterItoldherwhatI’ddone.Momsaidthiscouldbeafreshstartforusall.”
Bradynodsenthusiastically,whichirritatesmesinceshewastheoneAaronwasbitchingtoaboutmeforwhoknowshowlong.“Goodcommunicationiskeywhenitcomestopartnership.Youtwohavehadaveryrockyfewmonths,andifthispairingisgoingtocontinue,weneedtogetyoubackontrack.”
Heknowsexactlywhatheisdoing,whichiswhatirritatesmethemost.Knowinghe’shittingmesomewhereIwon’tbeabletorefuse.I’vebeenpraisingtheeffectivenessoftherapytheentiretimeI’veknownhim,mainlytomakehimgoandworkouthisissues.Evenaftereverythingthathashappened,he’stryingtomanipulatemeintodoingsomething
“Sabrinasaidyou’vebeenclearedtoskateagain.Isthattrue?”
He’snoddingbeforeIevenfinishmysentence,holdinguphisbadarm,flexingitaroundtodemonstratehehasthemovementhelostback.“Fullbillofhealthfromthedoctor.I’mreadytogowhenyouare…So,therapy?”
“I’mgoingtohavetothinkaboutit,Aaron.It’sahugecommitmenttomake,andyou’vehurtme.You’vereallyhurtthepeoplearoundme,peoplewhoIlove.”
“Youlovedmeoncetoo,”hesaysflatly.“AndIloveyou,asafriend,obviously.”
“Ithinkourtimewouldbebetterspentgettingreadyfornationals.I’mnotsurehowI’mexpectedtowanttobeyourfriendagain,butwecanhaveaprofessionalpartnership.”
“IfIcouldtakeitallback,Iwouldinaheartbeat,Stassie.ButIcan’t,andIstillwantthatfriendshipwithyou,aswellasthepartnership,butIneedtoearnyourforgivenessintherightway.”Hetakesabig,dramaticintakeofbreath.“ByprovingI’mbetterthanIwaswhenIwasthatman.I’llgiveyoutimetothinkabouttherapy.Ihopeyoumaketherightchoice.Ireallyamsorry,andI’llsaysorryasmanytimesasyouneedmeto.”
Bradygivesusbothaspeechaboutsportsmanship,andbythetimeI’mleavingtheoffice,I’mtiredandirritated,cursingthedayIdecidedtogivepairsachance.Ifeelswampedbyotherpeople’sissuesandemotions,whichishard,sinceIhavesuchbigemotionsmyself.
I’mnotperfect.Iamsofarfromperfectit’slaughable,butItrymybesttobeagoodfriend.SotobetoldthiswholemessisbecauseI’vesupposedlyfailedAaronasafriendishardtoswallow.
Logically,Iknowitisn’ttrue,butAaronwasnevergoingtositthereandadmithedidn’teventrytotalktomeaboutit.Emotionally,I’mquestioningifthere’smoreIcouldhavedone.AndnowI’mannoyedatmyselfbecausethat’swhathewants,andI’mfallingforit.
Thisistheproblemwithpeople.Nothingisstraightforward;everyonehasgoodandbad.LookatpeoplelikeNate’sdad;ishethefatherNateandSashaneed?No.Butisheanevilperson?Alsono.It’sthesamewithAaron.Iwouldn’tbethisupsetandconflictedoversomeonethatisatotallybadperson.
ThisiswhereNateandIdifferbecauseheonlylooksatthegoodandthebad.Hedoesn’tpayattentiontothemurky,questionablegrayareabetweenthosetwopoints.AndwhatI’venowlearnediswhenNateisbotheredbysomething,itcomesoutasfrustration.
NathaniswaitingwithagorgeousbunchofpeonieswhenIarrivebackatthehouse,andIcan’tevenpretendtobehappyaboutit.Heholdsthebouquetouttome.“Howdiditgo?”
“Idon’thavetheenergytocopewhenItellyouandyoumakemefeelshitty.CanItellyoutomorrowwhenI’veprocessedit?Ineedadrink.IthinkI’mgoingtogooutwithSabrina.”
Thesurpriseflickersacrosshisfacequickly,andheleanstokissmytemple.“Ideservethat.Yeah,uh,takethetimeyouneed.Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyoutoo.”
***
IthinkImightbedying.
There’samaneofsoft,chestnutbrownhaircoveringmyfacewhenIreluctantlypeelopenmyeyes.Itsmellslikefreshoranges,anddespitethefactIloveoranges,theideaofeatinganorangerightnowmakesbileriseinmythroat.
I’mwrappedaroundatinyframeofsequinsandgolden-brownskin,andI’mincrediblyandheadacheinducinglyconfusedaboutwhereIam,becauseit’snotwithNathan,that’sforsure.
Rollingontomyback,unravelingmyselffromwhomIhopeisSabrina,Itakeintheroomaroundme.Partofmeworriesforasecondthatweareattheapartment,butthisroomisfartootidytobelongtoeitherofus.
Adeepsnorefromthebedhasmesittingup,thenstoppingtocovermymouthwhenthemovementknocksmesick.ThesightofRobbie’ssleepingfaceonlyaddstomyconfusion,butmyalcohol-soakedbraindeducesthatI’minRobbie’sbed,weirdly,withSabrinaandRobbie.
Idon’tremembergettinghomelastnight.Well,Ionlyrememberveryblurrybitsthataren’thelpingmerightnow.
Aftermyshittyday,Icouldfeelthestressandtensionleavingmybodyafewshotsin;afewmoreshotsiniswhenitstartedtogetblurry.EverymoveImakeismakingmybodyphysicallythrobintheworstway,andasmuchasIwanttogoupstairsandcrawlintobedbesidemyownboyfriend,Idon’tthinkIhavethestrengthorcoordinationtomakethathappen.
Reachingformyphone,IsayatinyprayerthatNateisawake.
NATE
STASSIE:Youawake?
NATE:Hey,drunkgirl.Yeah,justwokeup.
STASSIE:IthinkI’mdying.
NATE:Abottleoftequilawilldothattoaperson.
STASSIE:WhyamIinbedwithBrinandRobbie?
NATE:ItriedtoputyouinourbedbutyousaidIwastryingtocomebetweenyouandSabrina.
NATE:Youguyswantedtosnuggle.
STASSIE:Eventhinkingaboutmovingismakingmenearlyvomit.
STASSIE:Ihavethoughtmotionsickness.
STASSIE:Watchingthewordsonmyscreenismakingmefeelsick.
Helpme.
NATE:Wantmetocarryyouupthestairs?
NATE:You’renotallowedtobesickthough
STASSIE:Canyoucarrymereallysoftly?Isthatathing?
STASSIE:IcantastesoundrnI’mverydelicate.
NATE:Omwtocarryyoureallysoftly.
HeavyfootstepssoundonthestairsafterIhearhisbedroomdoorslam,andyet,Istillcan’tmotivatemybodytomove.Thedoorlockbeepsasheentersthefour-digitcode,andhestrollsin,lookingeffortlesslybeautifulinhisboxers.Iwanttowatchhim,admirehim,butthemorehemoves,theworseIfeel,soIscrunchmyeyesshut.
“I’lltrynottobeoffendedatyourgrimace.”
“You’reaworkofart,bub,trulyyouare.Absolutetenoutoftensexgod.Butwatchingyoumovethatquicklyismakingmewannahurl,”Imumblethroughtightlips.
“Tenoutoftensexgod?Ithinksomeonemightstillbealittledrunk.”Hisstrongarmsscoopundermybody,pullingmetohischestinoneeffortlessmovement.
“OhmyGod,stopmoving.”Imoanthroughthepalmofmyhandgluedtomymouth.“HowcanIbedrunkandhungover?”
“You’llfeelbetteraftersomeTylenolandashower.Itakeityoudon’twannaworkoutwithmethismorning?”
WhenIglareupathisoutrageouslyprettyface,he’stryingnottolaugh,whichiswise,becausethemotionofhislaughtermightmakemethrowuponhischest.
Hewalksusslowlytothekitchen,sittingmeonthecountergently.“YousmelllikeMcDonald’sandregret.”Hereachesintothedrawerandproducesabottleofpainkillers.
“DidIeatMcDonald’slastnight?OrdoInaturallysmelllikeaBigMac?”
Hebrushesmytangledhairfrommyfaceandlooksatmesolovinglythat,forasecond,IforgetthatIamanactualdumpstergremlinrightnow.“Youatetwentychickennuggetsinaboutfourminutes.Itwaslikeyouwereinaneatingcompetition,butyouweretheonlycontestant.I’veneverbeenmoreinlovewithyou.”Hehandsmeaglassofwaterandputstwopillsinmypalm.“Doyounotremembergettinghome?Russpickedyouguysupbecausehewassober.Youforcedhimtotakeyouforfood.”
“IlikeRuss.”
NatechucklestohimselfandrubshishandsupthefrontofmybarelegswhileIthrowbackthepills.“Iknowyoudo,yousaiditquitealot.Youcalledhimmuffininfrontofeveryone.Canyouguesswhatalltheguysarecallinghimnow?”
Ohno.Poormuffin.“Uh-oh.”
Hescoopsmebackupandheadstowardthestairs,beingcarefulnottorockmearoundtoomuch.“Uh-ohisright.Poorkid,he’llgetoverit,though,don’tworry.Ithinkhe’sgoingtoliveherenextyear,soyou’llhaveplentyofopportunitiestomakeituptohim.RussandHenryarebecomingfriends,Ithink.”
NatelowersmeontohisbedandwrapsmeupinthecoversuntilI’mtheequivalentofahumanburrito.He’slookingatmesolovingly,andinthatmoment,it’shardtothinkaboutourdifferences.
“Nathan?”
“Yes?”
“Ineedtobesick,butIcan’tmovemyarmsorlegs…”
HefranticallyunwrapsmeandwatchesasIsprinttowardthebathroom,andIdon’tknowwhathedoeswhileIviolentlyexpeleverythinginmybody,butIimagineit’salongthelinesofbeinggratefultohavesuchagracefulgirlfriend.
Nateshowersme,putsmebackinbed,makesmefood,andheadstothegym,andIstayinbed,feelingsorryformyself,withabook.
ImusthavedozedoffbecauseIjumpwhenhecomesthroughthebedroomdoor,lookingsweaty,havingapparentlybeengoneawhile.
“Yougood?”heasks,droppinghisgymbagatthebottomofthebed.
Beforemyimpromptunap,I’dbeenreflectingonthepasttwenty-fourhoursandquicklycametotheconclusionIhadanapologytodeliver.“I’msorryIwassnappywithyouyesterday.”
“Youapologizedlastnight,don’tworryaboutit.”
“Idid?”
“Yeah,aboutthirtytimes.Thenyoutriedtoseduceme,whichIpolitelyrejected—sorry.Youwerefartoodrunktobedoinganythingotherthansleeping.”
Sinkingfartherintotheduvet,Ifeeltheheatcreeptomycheeks.“Doesn’tsoundlikeme.Yousure?”
Hehumsa“Yep,”smirkingtohimself.“Youwereverygraphicwithwhatyouwantedtodotome.Toldmemydickistheprettiestyou’veeverseen.”
Peekingovermyduvetshield,helookssohappy.“Itis,tobefair.”
Sittingbesidemylegs,herubshishandupanddownmyshingently.“Listen,youalwayswantmetobehonestwithyou,soIam.It’sbuggingmethatIdon’tknowhowyesterdaywentwithAaron.Canwepleasetalkaboutit?”
“Ofcourse.”Nathandoesn’tsayawordwhileI’mtalking;hesitsinsilence,listeningcarefully.WhenI’mfinallydone,hestilldoesn’tsayanything.Ishufflenervouslyonthebed,nudginghimwithmyfoot.“Well?”
“Couplestherapy?”
“Sportspartnertherapy.”
“He’suptosomething.”Natecrawlsupbetweenmylegs,wigglinguntilhe’spositionedwithhisheadonmystomach.“Idon’twanttoupsetyouagain.It’sneveraboutyou,baby.I’msorryifImadeyoufeellikeitwas.”
“Iknow.”
“ButIdon’tlikeit.”
“Iknowthattoo.”
“I’mtryingnottomakehimanusissue.Ijustgetannoyedandit’shardtoseepastit.”
“Nate…”
“Yeah?”
“Getoffmystomach,I’mgoingtobesickagain!”FORTY-FOUR|NATHAN
Thefirsttwoweeksoftermhavebeenanabsoluteblurofhockeysticks,assignments,andsheerpanicthatAaronisgoingtoupsetStassie.
Theystartedtheircouplescounselingthatisn’tforcouplesafewdaysafterherdrunkenshenaniganswithSabrina,andeachtimeshecomeshometeary,tired,andoverwhelmed.
It’snormal,iswhatshekeepstellingme.Startinganytypeoftherapyisdifficult,hertoneisdeterminedwhenshesaysit,herdesperationtoseemincontrolshiningthroughlikeafuckingbeacononadarknight.ButIremainunconvinced,she’shurtingherselftoforgivehimandIfuckinghateit.
Wetrytotalkaboutit,butIbecomeirritated,whichforceshertobecomedefensive.SoweletitgobecauseI’mnotspendingtherarefreeeveningsIgetwithherarguingaboutAaronCarlisle.She’sstilllivingwithme,andshestillcallsithome,butherscheduleisoverflowingwithextrapractices,worksouts,therapywithAaron,therapybyherself—it’sneverending.
Ican’tsayI’mmuchbetter.Closetotwomonthswithouthockeyhasmademesloppy,althoughthetimeIspentwithStashasmademeabetterskater.I’mcleaner,smoother.IcanvisiblynoticehowmuchbetterIamwhenitcomestothegame.IwishStascouldsee,butlastweekArenaTwowasreopenedfollowingrepairs,sowepackedupallourshitandmovedbacktoourownrink.
ImissthosemomentsbeforeoraftertrainingwhenI’dseeher,anelbowbrushoranimpatienthandonherhipandaglarewhenweoverran.Butshehasacompetitioninaweek,sothefactthatthepressureofsharingtherinkhasbeenrelievedforherissomethingIcan’tbemadat.
Shesayssheisn’tsurprisedthatAaronhasreturnedtoskatingasperfectasheleftit;shesaysit’sinhisbloodandthat,forallhisfaults,hedoesn’tletherdownontheice.Shemuttersthatshecancopewiththerestofitifhejustkeepsskating.
Ican’tpretendIdon’tmissbeingherskatingpartner.No,I’mnotthinkingofjackinginhockeytobeasubparfigureskater,butitwasfun,andImissthattimewehadtogether.Itmadeitclearhowmuchtimepartnersspendtogether,especiallypartnerswholivetogether.TheideathatshehastospendthatmuchtimewithAaronorthathe’sgoingtobeinourlivesthatmuchfillsmewithdread.Iknowitcan’tbeme,butIlow-keywishitwas.
JJandRobbietoldmeIneedtogetafuckinggrip,andthey’reright,butIhavethisunshakableofffeeling.HenrysaysI’mobsessedwithAaronthewayAaronisobsessedwithAnastasia,butthekidisonmysideforonce.
That’showIknowshitisbad.
IforcemyselftoputalltheAaronbullshittothebackofmymindsincetodaywasmyfirstgamebackwiththeTitans,andIneededtodeliver.Bysomemiracle,Ididn’tfuckitup,andwewon.
I’mnotsureifIwasnervousaboutbeingback,nervousbecauseStassiewaswatchingforthefirsttime,orbecausefifteensecondsbeforesteppingontotheice,FaulknertoldmehewassendingmebacktoBradyifImessedup.
TheguyshavebeenpumpedthatI’mback,andtheirexcitementisinfectious.Well,whenIdon’tthinkabouthowquicklymysenioryearisflyingby,andhowwedon’thavethatmanygameslefttogether.
Stassieworkedthismorning,followedstraightafterbyasessionwithShitheadandDr.Robeska,soIdidn’tgettoseeherbeforethegamestarted,butIgotherandBrinthebestseats.Whenshewaspackingupachangeofclothesthismorning,shemadeapointofputtinginherHawkinsjersey.
“Ican’tbelieveyou’vemanagedtoconvincemetowatchhockey.”Shetuttedplayfully,butIknowshewasexcited.
Itwasaweirdfeelingknowingthattherewassomeoneinthecrowdjustforme.I’vebeenplayingforMapleHillssincefreshmanyear,andI’veheardmynamescreamedplentyoftimes,butthiswasdifferent.
EverytimeIwentpastwhereIknewshewassittingIfeltgood.ItwasworthgettingabusehurledatmebyRobbiewhenIskatedovertoher,pressedmyhandtotheplexiglass,andshedidthesamethingontheotherside.
HeshutthefuckuptwominuteslaterwhenIscored.
Justtoaddtoitall,Stassie’sdadtextedmethismorningtowishmeluck.Hesaidhe’dfoundabarshowingthegame,sohewasgoingtotreathimselftoabeer—orfive—afterJuliamadehimdecoratethesparebedroom.Hesaidhe’dbebraggingtoanyonewho’dlisten,sotomakesureIplaymybest.IsatstaringatmyphonefortenminutesbeforeImanagedtotypebackaresponsethankinghimforthesupport.Thankfully,Igavehimareasontobrag.
I’mfeelingangstyasfuckwaitingforFaulknertofinishhispost-gamedebrief.Helikestodoitwhileit’sfreshineveryone’shead,noconsiderationforthefactwewanttogoandcelebrate.Itshowshowmuchstuffhaschanged,becauseIremembersittinghereacoupleofmonthsago,thesamesituation,butIwasthinkingabouthowfocusedIwasonhockey.
“Okay,I’mdone,youcanallstoplookingsofuckingmiserable,”Faulknerbarks.“Don’tcelebratetoohard—I’mnotbailinganyoneoutofjailtonight.SeeyouallMonday.”
Stassieisleaningagainstthewall,scrollingonherphone,whenIfinallymakeitawayfromFaulkner.
Sensingmyapproach,shelooksupfromherphone,givesmeaglowingsmile,andstartstoruntowardme.Icatchherwithonearmasshejumps,lettingmybagslideoffmyshoulderandontothefloorbymyfeet.
“I’msoproudofyou,”shesqueaks,wrappingherlegsaroundmeandpressingkissesovereveryinchofmyface.“Iwanttodropoutandbeahockeywife.Myheartdidn’tstoppoundingforonesecond,andwhenthatguybashedintoBobby,itwaslikeIwaspossessed!Iwasshoutingsoloudly,andIdidn’tevenunderstandwhatwasgoingonmostofthetime…butyouwon!”
Ilowerherbacktoherfeetandlookherupanddown.Fuckshelooksgoodinthatjersey;itreallywasmybestpresent.“You’redrunk.Pleasedon’tdropout…”
“Ineversaidyourhockeywife.”Shegiggles.“AndI’mnotdrunk!Well,Iwas,butallthestressandexcitementsoberedmeup.You’resogood,Nathan.Idon’tevenknowanythingabouthockey,buteveryonearounduswastalkingaboutyou…Oh!AndDadwastextingmeconstantly.”
Idon’tknowwhattosaytoheraswewalktowardthecar,soIletherrecapeveryminuteofthegamethatmadeherassleaveherseatormadeherscreamattheref,eventhoughshewasn’tsureexactlywhatwaswrong,butsheknewherboyswerebeingfucked.
“So,youenjoyeditthen?”
“Ireallyenjoyedit,bub.”
TherestoftheguysleftwithSabrinabeforeIleftthelockerroom,andtheplanistogooutfordrinksandfood.Partofmewishesweweregoinghome,buttheguysdeservethis;itisn’ttheirfaultI’mboringashellthesedays.Thewalktothecartakestwiceaslongaspeoplepatmeonthebackandcongratulateme,butwegetthereeventually.Iwaituntilwe’reintheprivacyofthecarbeforeaskingStassiethequestionthat’sbeenonmymindallafternoon.
“HowwastherapywithAaron?”
Shekeepslookingstraightaheadassheshrugshershoulders,voicecrackingasshespeaks.“Fine,we’lltalkaboutitlater.Let’scelebrate.”
Theanxietyradiatingfromherbodyisalmostpalpable.Anastasiacan’thidewhensomething’sbotheringher,shedoesn’thaveapokerface.Iknowthereissomethingshe’snottellingmebyherstiffposture,thewayshewon’tlookatme,thewayshe’schewingonherlip.Leaningovertolinkherhandwithmine,Itrytokeepmyvoiceeven,“Iwanttoknownow.Theguyscanwait…Iwanttohearaboutyourday.”
Shetwistsinherseattofaceme,bringingourlinkedhandstohermouth,andkissingmyknucklesgently.Herblueeyes,theonesthatwerebrightandsofuckinghappyearlier,arenowswimmingwithsomethinguncertain.“Please,Nathan.Idon’twanttotalkaboutitnow.Let’shavefun.”
“Whywon’tyoutellme?”
“Becauseyou’renotgoingtolikeit,”shewhispers.Herfacesoftensandsheexhalesdeeply,runningahandthroughherhair.“AndIknowhowyou’regoingtoreact.It’smakingmeanxioustotalktoyouaboutit.Iwanttocelebrateyourwin.”
She’stellingmeshedoesn’twanttotalkaboutit.Icanhearherloudandclear,butmygutisalreadytellingmewhatshe’sgoingtosay.IfIdon’tconfirmI’mright,I’mnotgoingtobeabletodoanythingtonight.“You’removingout,aren’tyou?”
ShesighsandIknowI’mright.“Dr.Robeskathinksit’sagoodidea.Wehavenationalsnextweekend,andshethinksit’dbegoodforus—AaronandI—tospendthisweekgettinginthezone.Weusedtofeelsoinsyncwhenwelivedtogether,andwe’velostthat.Shesaidevenifit’sjustatrial,nowwouldbeagoodtimetodoit.”
I’mnotsurewhichemotiontofeelasthejealousy,bitterness,anger,concern,andhurthitmeallatonce.“So,thedoctorthathepickedandhe’spayingforthinksyoushouldmovebacktotheapartment.There’safuckingsurprise.Ican’tbelieveyou’refallingforit.”
“Don’ttalktomelikeI’mna?ve,Nathan.”
“I’mnot.Ijustdon’tunderstandhowyoudon’tseewhathe’sdoingtoyou!Howareyouforgivinghimforeverythinghe’sdonetoyou?Allthethingshe’ssaid?”
Ifeellikeabrokenrecord.
“Youdon’tunderstand.You’renoteventryingtounderstand,youjustwantmetoshuthimoutandIcan’t!Thisisn’tlikehockey,Nate!Therearen’totherpeoplereadytostepupandfillin.It’smeandAaron—that’sit.I’mnotforgivingandforgetting;I’mtryingtoriseaboveitandnotthrowmydreamsawayoverhurtfeelings.”
“Anas—”
“No,youneedtolistentomeforonce,”sheinterrupts,stoppingmefromtryingtodefendmyself.“IknowthatAaronhasbeenaterriblefriend,butittakessacrificestobethebest.Ican’tbethebestwithouthim,butyou’resofuckingdeterminedtoputupthiswallbetweenmeandhimthatyou’renotlisteningwhenItellyouthatIknowwhatI’mdoing.I’vemademychoicetotrytofixthingsprofessionally.”
“That’sbullshit.Youalwayshaveotherchoices,Stas.Youdon’thavetomoveout,youdon’thavetogototherapy,youdon’thavetodoany-fucking-thingyoudon’twanttoforthatman.Whyshouldyoumakesacrificesforhim?Hedoesn’tcareaboutyou,andIthinkit’sfunnythathehatesme,andsuddenlyyourtherapististellingyoutonotlivewithmeanymore.”
“Thisisn’taboutyou,Nathan.You’remakingthechoicetonotunderstand,”shesaysquietly.“You’renotattemptingtoseethingsfrommypointofview.Yoursacrificewasforyourteam,butmineisformyself,formyfuture,what’ssupposedtobeourfuture.YouneedtoseparateAaronthefriendfromAarontheskater.YouneedtogetthisthingoutofyourheadthatI’mbeingmanipulatedbecauseI’mnot.”
Ihateeverysinglethingaboutthis.IhatethatIseemliketheunreasonableone,thatsomehowAaroncomesoutontop.Isimplydon’twantherspendingtimewithhim.Igetthatshehastoforskating,eventhoughIwishshedidn’t.Buthercommitmentsaretightenoughasitiswithoutmehavingtoshareherwithhim.“Ishegoingtoletyoueatwhenyoumovebackinwithhim?”
Herheaddropsintoherhands,andthelongershedoesn’tanswer,themoreIregretwhatIsaid.Eventually,whenI’msquirminguncomfortablyinmyseat,shelooksbackup.“I’mtryingveryhardtobepatientwithyoubecauseIloveyou,andIknowdeepdownyou’reworriedforme.Butifyoucan’ttalktomewiththesamerespectItalktoyou,don’ttalktomeatall.Ihavethemostimportantcompetitionofmyskatingcareerinoneweek,andIcan’tbepreoccupiedwithprotectingyourego,becauseyouthinkAaronfuckingCarlisleiscapableofundermininghowmuchIloveyou.”
Ifeellikeanaughtykidbythetimeshe’sdone,andIcan’tdoanythingbutnodsilently.Sheleansoverthecenterconsoleandpressesherlipstomine,andwhenweeventuallybreakapart,sherestsherforeheadagainstmineandrunsherhandacrossmyjawsoftly.Everythingshe’ssaidisright,andinmyhead,Icanadmitit,butwhenitcomestovoicingit,thewordswon’tleavemymouth.
Finally,Imanagetosaysomething,butit’snottheapologyshedeserves.“Ijustdon’twanthimtohurtyou.”
Shelinksourhandsbacktogetherandbringsthemtoherchest.Icanseethehurtinherface,andIcan’tevenblameAaronforitbecausethisoneisallme.“Canyoupleasetakeustocelebratenow?Please,Nate.Iwanttoenjoytonightwithyou,”shepleads,voicebarelyaboveawhisper.
Iputthecarintodriveanddoassheasks,eventhoughIdon’tfeellikeI’vegotanythingtocelebrateanymore.FORTY-FIVE|ANASTASIA
Ialwaysthoughtthatskatingwouldbethemostcomplicatedcommitmentinmylife.
Iwaswrong.
“Doyouthinktheattitudecomeswiththedickorit’ssomethingtheydevelopovertime?”Sabrinaasks,shovingaspoonfulofBenandJerry’sintoherwaitingmouth.Castinghereyesovertothedresswe’resupposedtobealtering,shefrownsandshovelsinanotherheapedspoonful.“Menaretheworst.”
SabrinaisplayingAngelicaSchuylerinthespringproductionofHamilton,andtodaytheguyplayingMarquisDeLafayettegothimselfonherbadside.Shedidn’twanttohangaroundthesethavingherdressaltered,soshebroughtithome,knowingthatI’vebeenfixingandadjustingskatingoutfitssinceIwasakid.
Wehaven’tdoneanythingtothedressyet,butwehavewatchedthreeepisodesofCriminalMinds.IhaveaplannerfullofthingstodobutIjustcan’tfaceit,andI’mtoodrainedtocareaboutthefactIdon’tcare.
Ican’tworkoutifI’mevolvingordevolving.
“Ithinkitcomeswithage.Idon’trememberbeingthisirritatedtenyearsago,”Igrumblefrombehindmyapple.“Wannarunawaywithme?”
“Obviously.WecangotoAlgeriaandbetreatedlikeroyalty.I’llgoogleifIssadRebrabhasanysinglegrandsons,”shesayswithatotallyseriousface,reachingforherphone.
BeingattheapartmentforthelastthreenightshasbeenawelcomebreakfromgoingroundincircleswithNathan,butIalsomisshim.It’ssuchadifficultsituation,becauseIknowthathewouldneverdoanythingintentionallytohurtme,butbynotlisteningtowhatI’msaying,he’shurtingme.
Nathanisaprotectorandafixer.It’safundamentalpartofwhoheisasapersonandIlovethatqualityinhim.Iloveevenmorethatheprideshimselfonit,andonbeinggoodtothosearoundhim.WhenwefirstarguedandIwantedtoavoidhim,hedidn’tletme.AfterRobbie’sparty,whenIwasembarrassedaboutwhathedidtome,hepurposelyfoundmetocheckifIwasokay.
HetriedtoprotectRusswhenitcametothetruthabouttherink,hetooktheblamefortheAaronthingtoprotecthisteam,eventhoughitwasaridiculousdecision.Hechallengedmeonsomethingasdifficultasdisorderedeatingbecausemyhealthwasmoreimportanttohimthanmyfeelings.Timeandtimeagain,Natehasshownmeandeveryonearoundhimwhathebringstothetable.
ThisiswhyIknowthat,asmuchashelovesme,thisAaronthinggoesfarbeyondhimnottrustingAaron.Thisisabouthisself-esteemandhisspotinmylifeasthepersonIneed.
WhatIcan’tseemtogethimtolistentoisAaronisn’treplacinghim.Nobodycouldreplacehim,butthemoretimeIspendwithAaron,themorechancestherearethatAaronisgoingtobetherewhenIneedsomeone,andthat’sthecruxofNathan’sissue.
He’stoldmehimselfthatthereisaselfishandjealouspartofhimthatdoesn’twanttosharemewithAaron,andwhileordinarily,thiswouldbearedflag,whenwetalkeditoutandbrokeitdown,itfeelslikeit’sbecauseNateholdsmeinsuchhighregard,hedoesn’tthinkAarondeservesme.
Nathandoesn’tknowhowtoprocesswhathe’sfeelingbecausehehasn’thadhundredsofhoursoftherapylikeIhave,soI’mnotmadathimfornotknowinghowtoputhisthoughtsintowords.Buthedoesknowhowtolisten,andheisn’tdoingthatrightnow.
Tohim,andtherestoftheguys,Aaronisavillain.He’sthebadguyofthestory,theunpredictablenightmarecomingtoruineverything.Wheninreality,Aaronisaveryemotionallyimmatureandmisguidedman.I’vesaidsomanytimesthathurtpeople,hurtpeopleandit’sabsolutelytrue.Heliesandmanipulatespeoplebecauseit’sallheknows.
I’vespentourentirecollegelifesofarjustifyingAaron’sbadbehavior,fornoreasonotherthaneasinessandtrulyhopingthatdeepdownhe’sagoodperson.Thatdoesn’tmakemena?ve;itmeansI’velookedatthegoodpartshe’sshownmeandhopedthatitwastherealversionofhim.ButI’veignoredredflagafterredflagandthatwasfoolishofmebecauseI’veendeduphurtasaresult.Rightnow,myeyesarewideopen,andIlookatourrelationshipasameanstoanend.
Weareskaterswhoneedapartnertoskate.
Idon’tneedorwanthisopinionorapproval.Ihaven’tmysteriouslyforgottenthathisactionsdrovethemostlaidbackandcalmmanIknowtopunchhimintheface.Ihaven’tforgottenhowdeeplyhiswordscutme,andeventhoughthosecutsmayhavehealedonthesurface,they’regoingtobeprivatelyhealingintherapyforwhoknowshowlong.
Ishouldn’thavetoscreamthatI’mnotna?veorbeingmanipulatedforNathantotrustmyjudgment.Ishouldn’thavetobeghimtounderstandthatthereisadifferencebetweenfriendshipandpartnership.
AndifAaronhastoplaythevillaininthisscenario,Nathanisyourtextbookhero,andyeah,hecankeepthattitlebecauseheistheheroofmystory.Butthisisoneofthosegrittyfantasystories,thisisn’tafairytale.I’mnottheprincess;I’veneverbeentheprincess,butthere’snodenyinghe’sbuiltmeupoverthetimewe’vebeentogether,andhe’sgivenmethecouragetodealwithsomethinglikethis.
IthinkIwantNatetobeproudofme.Hetacklesissueshead-on,andthat’swhatI’mtryingtodo,whichiswhysinceIdecidedtotackleAaron,I’vebeensupersurprisedit’sledtoargumentswithNathan.AndIsaytacklebecausetherapywithAaronisnoeasything.It’sexhaustingandit’spracticallycorrosive.Dr.Robeskaisfair,though.Shedoesn’ttakeanyofhisbullshitorhisfakepoutylipsashetriestoforcesometearsout.
Sheputshiminhisplace,whichIenjoyimmensely.LikewhenherepeatedwhathesaidinBrady’sinterventionaboutneedingmeandmenotbeingthere,herfirstquestionwashowmanytimesdidhetrytocontactmetosupporthim.QuicklyfollowedbyhowmanytimesdidwemakeplanswhereIblewhimoff.Ofcourse,theanswerwaszero,whichledherintoasegmentonweaponizingouremotions.
SinceI’vebeenbackattheapartment,IfeellikeAaronwatcheseverymorseloffoodIputinmymouth.Istillbelievehimwhenhesayshedidn’tpurposelymessupmyplan,andNatehaspracticallybeggedmetobringitupintherapywithRobeska.
Natewantstobeprovenright,buthe’salsothesamemanwhoremindsmethatrecoveryisn’taboutwinning.It’saboutlearningandforgivingyourself,aboutforgettingbadhabits,andtrustingtheprocess.Itisn’tlinear,iswhathe’ssaidsomanytimes,andIcan’tignoretheironythatthesamecouldbesaidforthissituationwithAaron.
I’vefoundmyselfsendingmultiplefoodpicturesadaytoNate,justlookingforreassurancethatIdidn’tcolossallyfuckupmorethananything.Aarondoesn’tsayanythingaboutmynewmealsever,andwhenIlookdirectlyathim,he’slookingathisownplate.Maybeit’sinmyhead.Maybehe’sgaslightingme.Maybe,maybe,maybe.JustanotherdayinMapleHillsfilledwithtoomanyfuckingquestions.
“Idon’twanttoliveherenextyear,”Iblurtout,catchingSabrinaoffguard.Sheputshericecreamdownonthecoffeetableandtwiststofaceme,givingmeherfullattention.“Idon’twanttoliveinthehockeyhouse,becauseIdon’tthinkthat’sfaironHenryandRuss,butIdon’twanttolivehere.Iunderstandifyouwanttostay,though.Ican’taffordanythingnearlyasniceasMapleTower.”
Shereachesforherphone,tapsafewtimes,andbringsittoherear.IcatchBaba,soIknowshe’scalledherdad,butthenshefliesoffinrapidArabic,andallIcandoiswatchherinawe.Afteracoupleofminutes,shehangsupandthrowsherphonebackdown.“Babaisgoingtofindussomewheretolive.”
“Justlikethat?”Iaskindisbelief.
Sheshrugs.“Heneverlikedmelivingwithaboyanyway.He’llprobablymakeoneofmybrothersflyintocheckoutplaces,sothat’llbefun,”shesayssarcastically.“Wecanhaveafreshstarttoo.Youdeserveit.”
“Thanks,Brinny.”
“Don’tthankmeyet.”Shelaughs,pickinghericecreambackup.“IfhesendsFarid,fuckknowswherewe’llendupliving.”
***
AarongruntsasIlandbackinthecradleofhisarms.
“Stopthemusic!”IshoutinthedirectionofBrady,puttingsomedistancebetweenmeandAaronsoIdon’tkickhiminthehead.
“What’swrongwithyounow?”Hegroans,followingmetotheedgeoftherink.
“You!You’rewhat’swrongwithme,Aaron!HowthehellamIsupposedtoconcentratewhenyou’rehuffingandgruntingeverytimeyouhavetotouchme!”
ThemusicfinallycutsoffandBradylooksextraunimpressed,butIdon’tcare.Ijustdon’tcareanymoreaboutplayingnice.Irefusetotakeshitfromthisobnoxiousjackassforanothersecond.
“What’reyoutwoarguingaboutnow?”Bradyhuffs,rakingahandthroughherhair.
Aaronshrugshisshouldersandthrowsmethemostincredulouslook.“Idon’tknow,Coach.Anastasiaseemstohaveanissue.Again.”
HeatispricklingatthebackofmyneckasIstruggletostopmytemperfromflaring.I’vealwaysassociatedmyimpatienceandtemperwithwhoIamasaskater.I’vealwaysputitdowntomycompetitiveness—theoverwhelmingneedtobethebest—butitclearlyisn’t.Ididn’toncefeelthissurgeofragewhenIwaspracticingwithNate.Evenwhenwefelldownorwebumpedheadsforthetenthtime,Itookitallinmystrideandwelaugheditoff.
I’vebeenrestingmyhandsonmyhipsinabidtonotpunchhiminthethroat,buttheskinundermyfingertipsisbecomingsorefromsqueezingsohard.Iknowwhatthisisaboutandthat’sprobablywhyI’msoupset.
“Areyoustrugglingtoliftme?Isthatwhatthenoisesareabout?Doyouneedtoworkoutmore?”Iseethe.
“What?No,”hesplutters,thepinkofhischeeksspreadingquicklytothetipsofhisears,butthenhisexpressionhardens.“Givemeafuckingbreak,Stas.Youcan’tputonweightandnotexpectmetoneedalittletimetoadjust.”
Thereitis.
“YoubenchoveronehundredpoundsmorethanwhatIweighinthegymwithease.Iwatchedyoudoitthismorning!Youaddedmorefreakingweight!I’vegainedtwelvepoundsofmuscle,that’sit!Whatdoyouneedtoadjustto?”
“Ineedtoadjusttoyourfuckingattitude,forone.”
“You’resuchadick.”
“Ican’tpracticewithyouwhenyou’relikethis.I’mgoinghome,we’vegottoperfectthisandyou’rewastingmytime.”
“Bye,then!”
“Children,please!”Bradysnaps.
Idon’thearwhateverelseshesaysbecauseIskateoffintothemiddleoftherink,shakingofftherage.Ifhewantstoputbeingpettyoverbeingprepared,I’mnotgoingtostandinhisway.FORTY-SIX|NATHAN
I’mfacedownonthecouchinthelivingroomwhenwhisperingdisturbsmywallowing.
Ilookup,findingJJ,Henry,andRobbieeachcradlingacupofcoffeeintheirhands,mutteringbetweenthemselveslikeoldwomenatabingohall.“What?”Igrunt.
“Hasshedumpedyou?”JJsays,breakingawayfromthemother’smeetingtositdowninthechairacrossfromme.
“No?”Isnap,movingtositupproperlyonthesofa,sinceapparently,thisisabouttobeahousediscussion.IknewIshouldhavestayedinmyfuckingroomoutoftheway,butthegymkickedmyassthismorning,andIcouldn’tfaceclimbingthestairs.
JJputshismugdownonthecoffeetableandholdsuphishandsdefensively.“Allright,don’tcry,”hesayssarcastically.“Ifshedidn’tdumpyou,whyareyousofuckingmiserable?”
Henrythrowshimselfdownnexttome,shootingmeahalf-suspicious,half-sympatheticlook,andRobbieappearssecondslater,withamugofcoffeeforme
IdefinitelyfeellikeI’vebeenambushed,butIsupposeIshouldfeelgratefulthatI’vegotfriendsthatgiveashitwhenI’mclearlyinabadmood.Sinkingintothecouch,sighingheavily,Idownmycoffeetodragthetime,becausewheredoIfuckingstart.
“ShesaysI’mnotlisteningtoher.She’supsetwithme,butshe’salsoincrediblyunderstandingwhenI’mbeingaprick,whichmakesmefeelworse.AndImissher.”
“Butyou’renotlisteningtoher,sosurelyyou’renotsurprisedshe’supset?”Robbiesaysbluntly.
“Iam!”Iinsist.“I’mhearingherloudandfuckingclearthatshe’sgivingthatshithouseanotherchance.Ilistenedwhenshesaidshewasmovingout.Ilistenedwhenshesaidshewasgoingtofuckingcouplestherapywithhim.”
“Forsomeonesosmart,youreallyareafuckingmooncalfsometimes,Hawkins,”JJsays,shakinghisheadatme,hisnormalmischievousgrinnowheretobeseen.Foronce,he’sbeingtotallyserious.“She’sthemostdeterminedpersonIknow.Thereisn’tadoubtinmymindthatshe’sgoingtogeteverythingshewantsinlifebecauseshe’swillingtomakesacrifices.Whatwouldhavehappenedifyoudidn’tgetdrafted?”
“I—”
“Nah,don’tgivemeabullshitanswer.”Helaughs.“You’dhaveusedyourtrustfundtodoabsolutelywhateveryouwanted,andforgoodmeasure,you’vegotthefamilybusinesstofallbackon.Stassiedoesn’thaveatrustfund.Shedoesn’thaveafamilybusiness.Ifshedoesn’tmakeitinskating,she’sprobablygoingtobestuckteachingorworse,inajobshefuckinghates.”
“Whyareyougivingmealectureonmyowngirlfriend,Johal?”
“Becauseyou’reonlylookingatthenowandyou’rebeingfuckingselfish!Shecan’tbeapairskaterwithoutapair.She’sbeingsmart,Nate.She’susingAarontoachievehergoalsbecauseshedoesn’thaveanotheroption.Youshouldbeproudofherforbeingsostrong,andallyou’vedoneisgetfuckingjealousandpetty,makingherfeelshitoversomethingthat’sverydifficultforher.”
HenryandRobbiearepainfullyquietwhileJJripsintome.Henryissquintingathismug,swirlingaroundtheliquidsohedoesn’thavetolookatme.Robbieislookingatme,faceblank.
“Youtwogonnasayanything?”
Robshrugs.“Imean,he’sright.Youknowhe’sright,that’swhyyoulooksopissedrightnow.Youknowweloveher,Nate.YouthinkIlikeSabrinabeingaroundhim?OfcourseIdon’t,butthey’rebothbiggirls.Big,stubborngirls.Fromwhatyou’vetoldus,and,uh,whatBrin’stoldme,shecouldn’thavebeenclearerwithyouthatshedoesn’twanttobehisfriend.Ithinkyouneedtodecidewhetheryou’rewillingtodriveherawayoveryourego.”
“Itisn’tmyfuckingego!I’mworriedaboutthewomanI’minlovewithspendingtimewithsomeonewhoisawfultoher.”
“Itisyourego,”Henrymuttersfrombesideme,notlookingupfromwherehe’sstillspinninghiscoffee.“Youthinkhe’sgoingtomanipulateherintoforgivinghimandthenshewon’tneedyouanymore.Youlikebeingneededbyher.Itmakesyoufeelimportant.YouknowAaronhatesyouandyouthinkhe’sgoingtokeepherawayfromyou.Whichjustshowsyoudon’tknowhowstrongsheis,ortrulyunderstandhowmuchshelovesyou.”
Thishasgottobeoneoftheworstfuckinginterventionsever.
“SoyouallthinkI’madickthen,iswhatI’mhearing?”
Robbieclearshisthroatandlaughs.“I’vethoughtyouwereadicksincekindergarten,fortherecord.”
“Ididn’tknowyouinkindergarten,”JJadds.“ButIimagineifIdid,Iwouldhavealsothoughtyouwereadick.Youknowweloveyou,man,butyoubroughtherhere,letuslivewithherandgettoknowher,andnowwelovehertoo.Wedon’twantyoutoruinsomethingprettyfuckingspecial.That’swhatAaronwants.”
“Idon’tthinkyou’readick,Nathan,”Henrysaysquietly.“Ithinkyouneedtoputyourselfinhershoes.IfyouandJJhadafight,butwehadagameandyouneededadefensemanthatwouldhelpuswin,you’dlethimplay.You’dputasidethedramaandconcentrateonthewin.That’sallshe’sdoing.”
“Youguyshaveadatelater,right?”Robbiesays,smilingwhenInod.“Talktoheraboutit.Sheneedstoknowyou’rewithheronthis.”
“HaveyouthreegotnothingbettertodothanfuckingOprahme?”
Thatbreaksthetensionintheroomasthethreeofthemlaugh.“It’sanicechangefromwatchingHenrydesperatelytrytotrackdownthatgirl,Jenny,orwhateverfromChristmas.”
“Youstillhaven’tfoundher?Whatdidyousaytothepoorgirl?Hasshegoneintowitnessprotectionorsomething?”Ijoke,smilingharderwhenHenryglaresatmelikehe’stryingtosetmeonfirewithhiseyes.
“Sorry,Nathan.Wecan’tallharassagirlintoarelationship.Someofusneedtimetofindoutwhotheyarefirst,okay?I—”
Idon’thearwhateverelsehesaysoverthesoundofme,JJ,andRobbiehowlinglaughing.
***
Idon’tknowwhyIfeelnervousaboutgoingonadatewithmyowngirlfriend.Iwatchherpolitelysaygood-byetothedoormanatthefrontofherbuildingandmakeherwaytowardmycarinthepickupzone.Shelooksfuckingunbelievable.SounbelievablethatwemightnotmakeittoourdinnerreservationatOctopus.
It’saseafoodrestaurantthatrecentlyopenedinMalibu,andluckily,aguywho’sintoJJworksthereandmanagedtosortitoutforme.I’mnotexactlyforpimpingoutmyroommatetobookatableinanexclusiverestaurant,butI’mnotexactlyagainstiteither.
Thesecondsheclimbsinmycarisfilledwiththesweetsmellofherperfume.Shealwayssmellsgood,butrightnow,it’ssomethingelse.IsthiswhathappenswhenIdon’tseeherforacoupleofdays?I’dtellher,butIcanalreadyhearherjokesaboutbeingavampirewithheightenedsenses.
“Whatareyouchucklingtoyourselfabout?”shegrins,leaningovertokissme.God,sheeventastesgood.Imovemyhandtowardherface,butshebatsitawaybeforeIcanholdherface,breakingaparttomutter,“Makeup.”
“Vampires,uh,doesn’tmatter.I’vemissedyou,youlooksobeautifultonight.”
“Youlookprettygoodyourself,Hawkins.Howwaspractice?”
WechatcomfortablyallthewaytoMalibu,catchinguponthelittlethingsthathavehappenedduringourdaysthatwedon’tthinktomentionnowthatwedon’tspendmostofourdaystogether.ShetellsmehowshebeatherPBdoingsquats,andnowBradyisgoingtoincreasehercaloriesagainafterhercompetition.
ItellheraboutHenryandRuss’sbuddingfriendshipandhowsomeofthemoreimmatureteammembersdon’tseemtolikeit,soIhadawordwiththemaboutgrowingthefuckup.Fratcultureisweirdandcanbealittlecultlike,inmyopinion;it’swhyIwasneverinterested.IprefertohangoutwithpeopleIlikeinsteadofbeingforcedtolikespecificpeopleinthenameofbrotherhood.
“Iwillbeatanyonewhohurtsmyboys,”shesayssternly.Iknowshe’snotevenjokingaswell;allfivefoot,fourinchesofherwouldhappilytakeonanyonetoprotectHenry,andnowRuss
TheguymustbereallyintoJJ,becausehereservedusatableoutsideonthepatiothatlooksouttothesea.IdropJJatextlettinghimknowhowgoodourtableistoscoretheguysomebrowniepoints,sincehe’sclearlygoingallouttoimpress.
IknowthatIneedtotalktoAnastasiaabouthowI’veactedrecently,butI’mnotquitesurehowtobringitup.Iletourordersbetaken,andshefillsthesilencewithfunnystoriesaboutBrinandoneofherlectureswhereeverythingwentwrong.Buteventually,shegivesmeasympatheticsmile,onethatsayssheknowswhat’sgoingoninmyhead.“Nate,areyouokay?”
Thetimeaparthasfeltabitlikeabreakup,eventhoughitwasn’t,andwe’vestilltalked,butit’scementedformethatbreakingupisnotarealityIeverwanttolive.Iknowit’sraretomeetsomeonewhomakesyoufeellikeyourwholelifeisbrighter.IknowI’mluckythatIhavesomeonebymysidewhowouldgotowarforthepeoplesheloves,andit’smademerealize,rightnow,she’sgoingtowarforherself.
AndIneedtobebyherside,notattackingherfromadifferentspotonthefield.
“Ioweyouanapology,”Iblurtout,definitelynotinthesmooth,calmwayIwashopingfor.“Ihaven’tbeenfairandI’msorry,Anastasia.Ireallyam.”
Sheslidesherhandacrossthetableandlinksitwithmine.“It’sokay.Thankyouforapologizing.”
“You’rethemostimportantthinginmylife.I’mnotsureifyouknowthatornot,butyouare,andI’vebeenselfish.I’veputyouinadifficultsituation,makingyoufeellikeyouneedtochoosebetweenusorsomething.Youdon’tandIwantyoutoknowIsupportyourgoals.”Shenodsalong,lettingmetripovermywordsandramblequickly,tellingherhowIfeel.Shedoesn’tinterruptorsayanything;shegivesmethespaceIneedtotrytogethowI’mfeelingoutintheopen.“Iamlisteningnow.IpromiseyouIam,IhearyouandIgetthatIneedtoletyougetonwithitandhandleAaronthewayyouseefit.”
WhenshesensesthatI’mdone,shebringsourlinkedhandstohermouth,andpecksakissonmyknuckles.Thelookofreliefonherfacerightnowisoverwhelming,whichtobehonestmakesmefeelworse,becauseshemusthavebeenstrugglingwiththismorethanIrealized.
Ifeelrelieved,too,it’sfunnybecauseshecanbethemosthotheadedandstubbornperson,butwhenitcomestotalkingthingsout,shehasthepatienceofasaint.AndIneededthatpatiencetofixthis.
“Nobodyisreplacingyou,Nathan.EveryminuteIspendskatingwithhim,I’mthinkingabouthowmuchIwishyou’dtakenupfigureskatingwhenyouwereakid,nothockey.Therapychangedmeforthebetter,itmightwithhim,itmightnot.Whathappensoutsideofthatarenaisn’tmyconcernanymore.”
“I’msorryforhowI’vespokentoyourecently.”
Shedoesn’tacknowledgeit;shesqueezesmyhand.“Doyouwanttohearsomethingfunny?”
“Rightnow?Yes,absolutely.”Anythingtogetthetopiconsomethingotherthanmebeingabadboyfriend.
“ImadeAaronstormoffduringpracticetoday.”Shegiggles,bringingherwineglasstoherlips.“Inthemiddleofpracticehegotinhiscaranddrovehome.IhadtogetanUber,butitwasworthit.”
“Whathappened?”
“Hekepthuffingandpuffingeverytimehehadtoliftorcatchme,soIaskedhimifheneededtoworkharderinthegym.ToldhimIknowheliftsheavierthanme,sowhatwashisproblem.He,uh,didnotlikethatonebit.”Hernosecrinklesassheshrugs,clearlynotgivingonefuckaboutAaron.
“Idon’thaveanythingtoworryabout,doI?”Isay,talkingmoretomyselfthanher.
“Notevenalittlebit,Ihaveitallundercontrol.Youhelpedmebestrongenoughtodealwithit.”Hereyeslookpastme,andshesmilessofuckingbrightlythatIthinksomeonefamouswalkedin,butno,shestartsexcitedfidgetinginherseat.“Oh!Ithinkourfoodiscoming!”
***
I’mreluctanttoletheroutofthecarwhenIpullupatMapleTower,butIhaveto.
“I’llbebackSaturdaynight,”shemumbles.“WecanspendthewholeofSundaytogether,Ipromise.”
StassieisgoingtoSanDiegointhemorningfornationals,andwedecidedthemostresponsiblethingtodowastosleepinourownbeds.Neitherofuswantsto,butsheneedstoconcentrateonrelaxingtonight,andthatisn’tgoingtobepossibleatmyhouse.IfIweretostayhere,she’dspendtheentirenightanxiousaboutmeandAaronbeinginthesamespace.
Thisistherightchoice,evenifitmakesusbothtemporarilyunhappy.
Sheclimbsacrossthecenterconsoletostraddlemylap,wrappingherarmsaroundmyneckandpressingherforeheadagainstme.“Iloveyou,”shewhispers,pressinghermouthtomine.“IneedtogetoutorI’mgoingtoenduplettingyoufuckmeinaparkinggarage.”
Sheopensmydoorandclimbsoffme,givingmeonelastkissbeforeheadingtowardtheelevator.Iwatchtomakesureshegetsinsafely,thenputthecarindrive,hopingthatthisbonerwillbegonebythetimeIgethome.FORTY-SEVEN|ANASTASIA
There’sbeenaweirdacheinmychestsinceIarrivedhomeanditwon’tgoaway.
Itmightbepre-competitionnerves.Idon’tthinkanyonewouldblameme,consideringtomorrowisthebiggestthingI’veeverfaced.TheOlympicsaren’tforanothertwoyears,buttherearesomanyotherinternationalcompetitionsIcancompeteat.It’showIshowTeamUSAwhatI’mcapableof,whatIcanoffer,whatweoffer.
Alltheheartacheittooktobereadyforthisweekendneedstomeansomething.
Ithastobeworthit.
SabrinaknowstoleavemealonewhenI’mlikethis,thereisnothingshecansayordothat’sgoingtomakemefeelbetter,andI’dratherbealonewithmythoughts,anyway.I’vetickedoffeverythingonmyiPad,showered,settleddowninbedwithmyfavoriteTitansT-shirton,andthatshouldbeenough,butitjust…isn’t.
TheT-shirtisfreshoutofthemachine,soitsmellsstronglyofdetergent.It’sasmellI’vealwaysloved;thesmellofcleanwashingmeansI’vedonemylaundry,whichmeansI’vetickedsomethingascompleteinmyplanner.Butforsomereason,thesmellisaddingtotheache.
Itdoesn’tsmelllikeNathananymore.
Andjustlikethat,mybedfeelsoverwhelminglyempty,andtheT-shirtitchesmyskin.
IunderstandDr.Robeska’slogicinmemovingbackintotheapartment.ShefeltthatmyandAaron’srelationshipwouldrecoverquickerifwehadthistimetogetherathome,likeweusedto.Whenwetalkedaboutthethingswedidtogetheroutsideofskating,itwasclearwebothhadagoodtimehangingouttogether.
Weneededtogetbackinsync,andasidefromAaron’stantrumontheice,ithasworked.Iwantedtomoveback,too,whichItoldNatebeforeRobeskabroughtitup.IwasworriedthatNathanandIcouldonlyworkbeingineachother’scompanyconstantlyandthatassoonashisNHLcareerstarts,Iwouldn’tbeabletoofferhimthesupportheneeds,whichwoulddriveusapart.
ButI’mnothappyhereandImissmyboys.
Oneboyinparticular.
Afterafewrings,Iworryhe’snotgoingtoanswermycall,thathe’sbusywithhisfriendsorgothisphoneonstudymode,butrightbeforethelinedisconnectshisfacefillsmyscreen.“Sorry,myphonewaschargingnexttomybed.Iseverythingallright?”hesayswarily,thelittlecreaseinbetweenhiseyebrowsdeepeningwhenhelooksathisscreen.
“TheclothesIstolefromyoudon’tsmelllikeyouanymore.”
“…Isthatagoodthingorabadthing?”
“Abadthing.Ahorrible,terrible,catastrophicallybadthing.Imissyouandit’smakingmeunsettled.”
“Baby,youjustsawme,pleasedon’tfeelunsettled.Whatdoyouneedmetodo?”
“Canyoustayheretonight?Iknowyoudon’twanttobearoundAaron,buthe’llbeinhisroom,andwewillbeinmine,”Irambleoffquickly.“Youwon’tseehim.Ijustneedyou,Nate.Ineedyoutodothatthingyoudowhereyoumagicallymakeeverythingbetter.”
Thecornerofhismouthquirksintomyfavoritesortofsmile.It’sthesmileIgetwhenI’vetakenhimbysurprisebutinagoodway.Itdoesn’thappenveryoftenbecauseheknowsmesowell;it’sdifficulttotakehimbysurprise,butthatmakesitfeelextraspecialwhenitdoeshappen.“I,uh,IdunnohowIdothat,butI’mleavingrightnow.Doyouwantmetogetyouanythingontheway?”
Ishakemyhead,watchinghimspringupfromhisbedandgrabanovernightbag.“No,bub.Justyou.You’reallIneed.”
***
Ican’tconcentrateonthebookI’msupposedtobereading
Ireadaparagraphortwo,thenmyeyesimmediatelyrevertbacktothemovingdotonthemaponmyscreen.Ican’tworkoutifit’scuteorpathetichowexcitedIamtoseehiscarpullingintotheparkinggarageofmybuilding.
I’mhangingaroundourfrontdoorlikeanexcitedpuppy,listeningforthesignaturedingoftheelevator—whilebeingfullyjudgedbySabrina,who’sonthecouchwatchingHamiltonforthetenthtimethisweek.Hedoesn’tevengettofinishhisknockbeforeI’mpullingthedooropenanddragginghiminside.
“Hi.”HechuckleswhenIwrapmyarmsaroundhistorso,inhalingdeeply.
“Yousmellsofuckinggood,”Imumbleintohischest.Tighteninghisarmsaroundme,heburieshisheadintomyhairandkissesthecrownofmyhead.
“AshotasI’msureyoutwolookfucking,canyounotdoitrightinfrontofme?Youhavearoomrightthere,andI’mtryingtogetmyrevolutionarywaronoverhere,”Brinshoutsfromthelivingroom.
IdragNatetowardmybedroombeforeAaroncomesoutofhisroomtoinvestigatetheshoutingandthesourceoftheboominglaughthatechoesaroundtheapartmentwhenSabrinagivesNathanthemiddlefingerfortellinghertostopbeingapervert.
Thatacheinmychestisgettingeasiertodealwitheverysecondthatpasses,everysecondthatIcanfeelhimbeneathmyfingertips.Hisfingerhooksundermychin,tiltingmyfacetohis.“Areyousureyou’reokay?”
“Ihadthisacheinmychestthatwouldn’tgoaway.I’msorrytodragyoubackhere,butselfishly,havingyouclosemakesmefeelbetter.AmIclingy?”
Heshakeshishead,gentlythreadinghisfingersthroughmyhairandpressingakisstomyforehead.“Thereisn’tanythingIwouldn’tdotomakeyoufeelbetter,Anastasia.I’mnotsurehowI’msupposedtogetmysmellonyou,though…”Kickingoffhissneakers,heclimbsontomybed,andIwatchhimfightwithallmypillowsuntilhe’scomfortable.Iclimbintohislap,restingmylegsoneithersideofhis.
“Holdyourarmsup,”Itellhim,fiddlingwiththehemoftheT-shirthe’swearing.HedoesasIask,sittingforwardslightlyandholdinghisarmsabovehisheadsoIcanpulltheT-shirtoff.Heleansbackagainstthepillows,lettingmetrailmyfingersacrossthesmooth,warmplanesofhisstomach,allthewaydowntohissweatpants.
Gray,obviously,becauseNathanHawkinsisamanwhowasmostdefinitelywrittenbyawoman.
Hishandsmovequicklytogripmywrists,pullingthemupintotheair.“Yourturn,Allen.”
IkeepmyarmsintheairashebunchesthebottomoftheT-shirtandpullsitoffmybody.Mynipplespebbleundertheheatofhisglare,andwhenhelickshislipsandrunshishandsupthefrontofmythighs,goosebumpsspreadacrosseveryinchofme.
Theanticipationissuffocating;hishandstravelovermyhips,pastmywaist,settlingjustbelowmybreasts.Nathanhasseenmenakedcountlesstimes,butrightnow,I’veneverfeltmoreexposed.
“Youareperfect,”hewhispers,sittinguptokissthevalleybetweenmybreasts.I’mpracticallypantingwhenhistongueflicksagainstmyhardnippleandhehumshappily,suckingitintohismouth.Myhandsgriphisshoulders,andmyheadfallsbackasheswapstomyotherbreast,payingitanequalamountofattention.Helicksandkisseshiswayupmyneck,groaningwhenIgrindagainsthim,andwhenhereachesmymouth,I’maboutreadytocombust.
“Iwantyousobadly.”
Hislaughisdark,andhiseyesaregleaming.“Askmenicely.”
“Nathan…”Imoanimpatiently.
“That’sagoodstart,whatelse?Tellmewhatyouwant,baby.”
Mybodyisrockingagainsthisinadesperatesearchforfriction,justsomethingthatwillsoothetheachebetweenmylegs,soit’sprettyfreakingclearwhatIwant.Hisarmwrapsaroundthebottomofmyback,holdingmeclosetohimasheflipsusoversoI’monmyback.IfIcouldonlyhaveonememoryfortherestofmylife,it’dbeNatekneelingbetweenmyopenlegs.Hisbodyisstrongandhard,buthisskinissoftandsmooth.Hedoesn’tevenblinkashelooksdownatme,drunkonlust.
“Iwantyourmouth.”
“Wheredoyouwantmymouth?”
Itrailmyfingerdownthefrontofmypanties,feelingthewarmthandhowwettheyarealready.Hiseyesfollowmyhand,lipstuggingintoasmugsmirk.
“You’vegottasaythewords.”
Allthebloodinmybodyrushestomyface.Ichewontheinsideofmycheek,watchinghimwatchme.Hishandsaremassagingmycalves,sohe’sclearlyinnorushtogivemewhatIwant.Mychestisheaving,needyandimpatient.“Iwantyourmouthonmypussy.”
Hetakeseachsideofmyunderwearinhishandsandshimmiesthemoff,pushingmylegswideandsettlingbetweenthem.Apparently,thetimeforteasingisoverbecausehedoesn’thesitatetoburyhisheadanddevourme.He’sgotmesquirmingwithinseconds,desperateformorebutoverwhelmedbyhowfuckinggooditfeels.
“Youlikethat?”hecoos,knowingfullwelltheanswerisyes.Myhandssinkintohishair,tugginghimcloser,pushinghimaway,holdinghiminplace,usinghimasananchortokeepmeonthisbed.
“Nate,”Icry,notquitesurewhatI’mcryingfor.
“Iknow,baby,Iknowit’sgood.”Heslipsafingerinsideofme,thenanother,curlingthemaround,andI’malmostthere.“Yougonnacomeforme?”
Mylegsareshaking,andI’mfloatingasmyentirebodystartstospasm.“Nathan…Ohfuck…”
Heleavesmedazedandbreathlessonthebed,whileheclimbsoffandletshisboxersandsweatpantsdroptothefloor.Nathan’shandswraparoundmynakedthighsandtugmetotheedgeofthebed,navigatingmyanklestorestonhisshoulders.Hetakesthebaseofhisdickinatightgrip,runningthetipbetweenmyfolds.
“Suchagoodgirl,”hesaysproudly,pushingthetipinside.“JesusChrist,stopsqueezingorthisisgoingtobeoverinthirtyseconds.”
Digginghisfingersintothefrontofmythighstokeepmeinplace,hesinkshimselffullyinsideme.
“StopcallingmeagoodgirlandI’llstopsqueezing,”Ishootback.ThisrelationshipworkssowellbecauseNathanfuckinglovespraisingme,andIlovebeingpraised.He’sgentlewithmeatfirst,slow,deepstrokesthathavemytoescurling,butthenhishandmovesfrommythigh,andhepairsharderthrustswithhisthumbonmyclit.“You’retoogoodatthis.”Igasp,reachingouttotrytotouchhim,buthe’stoofaroutofmyreach.
Heguidesmylegsfromhisshoulderstohishipsandtugsmeup,carryingmeovertomybedroomdoor,pressingmeintoit.“Thatbetter?Youcanreachmenow.”Hesmiles,kissingandnibblingalongmyjawline.
Iclingtohim,usingeverylastshredofenergyasmybodytakeshimoverandover.Thebuildingstartsinmystomach,intensifyingasNatemoansandwhisperspraiseafterpraisenexttomyear,andmynailssinkintothestrainedmusclesofhisback.Histhrustsgetrougherandhishandstightenonthebackofmythighs.Andwhenitcan’tgetanytighter,thecoilinmystomachbursts,sendingeverynerveinmybodyintochaos.Afewmorepowerfulthrustsandhe’srighttherewithme,gruntingastringofundecipherablecursewordsintothebaseofmythroat.“God,Iloveyou.”
Ibrushthehairstickingtomydampforeheadawayandcuphisfacebetweenmyhands.“Uh-huh,”Isaywithashakybreath.“Iloveyoutoo.”FORTY-EIGHT|NATHAN
Theonlybadthingabouthavingthebestnight’ssleepofyourlifeiseventually,youhavetowakeup.
It’speacefulhereinthemornings,unlikethestompingupanddownthestairsthathappensinmyhouse.Nottomentionthearguingoverwhousedthelastofthecoffee.Stassiestirsinmyarmswhenheralarmstartsblaring,gruntingandgrumblingwhenitdoesn’tspontaneouslystop,thencursingunderherbreathasshefeelsaroundforherphone.
Igotskilledatpretendingtobeasleep—otherwiseknownasstealthmode—whenwelivedtogether.Afewnightsaparthasmademesloppy,though,becausewhenshecallsherscreechingphoneafucknuggetIcan’thelpbutlaugh.
“Keeplaughing,Hawkins,seewhathappens,”shesaysbetweenayawnandanaggressiveslapatherphonescreen.
“Comehere,grumpygirl.”Ismile,pullingherbodybacktomine.“Howareyoufeeling?CanIdoanythingtohelpyoufeelready?”
Sherollsontopofme,restingherfaceagainstherhandsonmychest.“Willyouskateforme?I’llgobacktosleep,andyoucantextmehowitgoes.”
“Imean,Icantrytobribethejudges,butI’mnotsureyourlittlestretchybodythingwouldfitmeifyouwantmetoskate.”
TodayfeelsmonumentalandI’mgenuinelysurprisedshe’snotfreakingthefuckout,butasthethoughtentersmyhead,sheflingsherbodyoffmineandlaunchesherselftowardthebathroom,emptyingthecontentsofherstomachintothetoilet.
Luckily,shedidprewarnmetheanxietyonthemorningofacompetitionmakesherthrowupninetimesoutoften,andnottopanicitwasmorningsickness.Shealsosaidthevomitwasmycuetoleave,becausefromthatpoint,shewouldbeanervousnightmare,andshewouldn’twantmethereforthat.
BythetimeI’vepulledonallmyclothesandgrabbedheraglassofwaterfromthekitchen,she’semergingfromthebathroom,thankfullysmellingmorelikepeppermintthananythingelse.“That’smycuetoleave,right?”Iconfirm,bendingovertokissherforehead
“Thankyouforstayingherelastnight.”Herarmstightenaroundme.“I’dbesomuchworserightnowifyouhadn’t.Goodluckwithyourgametoday,Iwon’tbeonmyphone,butI’llvideocallyouwhenIgetbacktomyhotel,okay?Textmeyourresultstoo.”
I’vebeensofocusedonStas’scompetitionIalmostforgotwe’replayingUCLAtoday.Hopefully,therink-trashingdramaisbehindusnowbecausetheUCLAteamaregenerallygoodguys.Withitbeingsoclose,weseeeachotherinclubsorparties,andotherthanahealthybitofrivalry,they’reoneofthemorefunteamstoplayagainst.
ThefigureskatingnationalsaredowninSanDiegoandwillbeallweekend.Thefirstoftheirroutineswillbetoday,andiftheyscorehighenough,they’lldotheirotheronetomorrow.AnastasiawassuperunderstandingwhenIsaidIhadahockeygame,soIcouldn’tgowithher;shewasridiculouslysweetandsaiditwasokay.
WhatIdidn’ttellheristhesecondmygameendsI’llbejumpinginmycartoflydowntheI-5towatchher.Igiveheronelastpeptalk,tellherhowmuchIloveherandhowproudIamofher,thenleavehertoit.
IncontrasttothecalmofStassie’splace,theguysarebeingtheirnormalclownselveswhenIgethome.
JJ,Henry,Mattie,andRussareallfullysuitedup,standingonthecouchwhenIwalkintothelivingroom.Mattieusesthetableasasteppingstonetojumpontoachairontheothersideoftheroom;thetablecreaksunderhisweightbutluckilydoesn’tstraight-upcollapse.Ilookbetweenthefourofthem,waitingforsomeonetosaysomething.
Robbieappearsfromtheden,bigmugofcoffeeinonehand,pushinghiswheelwiththeother.He’salreadyinhissuitandIcansensetheimpendinglectureaboutmessingaroundbeforeagame.Instead,heshrugsashoulderandexplainswhatthefuckisgoingon.“Floorislava.”
“You’refucked,then.”
“Notasfuckedasyou.Gogetyoursuiton,wecan’tbelatetoahomegame.”
Itdoesn’ttakemelongtogetready,andasI’mabouttogetintothecar,myphonebuzzes.
UBERSLUT
UBERSLUT:JustsetoffandBradyismakinguslistentoABBA
NATEHAWKINS:Thatdoesn’tsoundtoobad.
UBERSLUT:She’ssingingtoo.
NATEHAWKINS:JJsaidcallhim,theycandoaduet.
UBERSLUT:WillyoustilllovemeifIfallonmyfaceanddisgracemyselfinfrontoftheAmericanfigureskatingelite?
NATEHAWKINS:*thinkingemoji*
UBERSLUT:…
NATEHAWKINS:Yeah,probably.
UBERSLUT:Ihateu.
NATEHAWKINS:You’renotgoingtofallonyourface.You’regoingtosmashit,andIloveyouregardlessoftheoutcome.
UBERSLUT:Feelnauseous.
NATEHAWKINS:Takedeepbreaths.Ifyou’regoingtobesick,makesureyoudirectittowardAaron.
JJdrivesmycarsoIcantextbackandforthwithmyverynervousgirl.WeparkandRobbiegoesintoassholecoachmodeanddemandsIputmyphoneawaytogetintothezone.“You’llseeherinafewhours,justgetagripforabit,yeah?”HegruntsinhismostFaulkner-likevoice.“I’mnervousforher,too,butwegotta,y’know,wegottajustpushthroughit.”
“Yes,Coach.”
Igointocaptainmodeassoonaswestepthroughthedoorsofthearena.
Itpaysoffbecause,afterprobablythebestgamewe’veplayedsofarthisseason,webeatUCLAaverycomfortable9–3.Faulknertoldmeyesterdaythatifwewon,he’dletmedelayourpost-gamereviewsoIcouldheadstraighttoSanDiegointimeforthepairsshortprogram.I’mabouttoheadoutthedoorwhenCoryO’Neill,UCLA’scaptain,grabsme.
“Goodtoseeyou,man,”hesays,slappingmybicep.“It’sgoodtoseeyoubackontheice.Iheardarumoryouwerefigureskating.”
“Yeah,Iwas,forsixweeks.Anotherbigdrama.NeverstopsatMapleHills,right?”Iscratchatthenapeofmyneckawkwardly.“DirectorofSportbenchedmebecauseakidontheskatingteamgothurtandblamedme.Theyweregoingtostopthewholeteamfromplayinguntiltheyfoundwhowasresponsible,soItookthefall.Iwasn’tallowedtoplayuntilhecouldskateagain.”
“Ohshit!”
“Itwasn’tbad,y’know.Mygirlfriendistheguy’spartner,soitwassixweeksofskatingandtrainingwithher.Ilikedit,otherthanmybodyfuckingaching.They’vegotacompetitiontoday,actually;that’swhereI’mheading.”
Cory’sbrowsfurrowtogether.“Waitaminute,areyoutalkingaboutAaronandStas?”
Notagoodsign.“Yeah,youknowthem?”
Henodshishead,confusionapparent.“IwenttoschoolwithAaronbackinChicago.I’veknownhimsincewewerekids.YougotblamedforAarongettinginjured?Stassieisyourgirl?”
“ItwasonHalloween.HeshowedupatTheHoneypotwithabustedwrist,saidI’dprankedhim,andhegothurt.Youknowourrepu—”
“Halloween?Dude,”heinterrupts,holdingupahand.“Aarongothurtplayingfootballwithus.Weweredrinkinganddickingaboutatthebeach,havingabonfire.Daveytackledhimandlandedonhisarm…Ididn’tknowhe’dblamedyouforthat.Whatthefuck!Hehasn’ttoldusanyofthi—”
Icanseehismouthmovinginfrontofme,butIcan’thearanythingoverthesoundoftheringinginmyears.
Everythingseemstoslowdownasallthepiecesrapidlystartdroppingintoplace.I’dmademypeacewithbeingthefirstpersonAaronwouldblameduringanunfortunateaccident.I’vebeenbattlingagainstthisteam’sreputationforalmostfouryears,andIwasn’tangryaboutitanymore.
Butheknew.Hefuckingknewhowhegothurt,andhetriedtogetmeintroubleforitanyway.
Forwhat?ForAnastasia?She’sbeensingleforyearsandhe’snevermadeamove.Togetmekickedoutofschool?Nothingmakessensebecausewhathediddoesn’tfuckingmakesense.
“Hawkins?”Coryaskswarily.
“I’vegottago.”
I’mhalfwaytoSanDiegobeforeIrealizeI’vebeendrivinginsilence.Icrankuptheradio,anythingtodrownoutmythoughts,whichareloudashellrightnow.ThemainoneiswhatamIgoingtodowhenIgetthere?Iwanttoburstinthere,telleveryonewhathedid,howhedeceivedtheclosestpeopletohim.Butshedoesn’tdeservethis.Thisisthemostimportantcompetitionofherlifesofar.AmIreallygoingtosetoffabombwhensheneedstobeconcentrating?
I’veansweredmyownquestionbeforeI’veevenfinishedformulatingit—thisneedstowait.
Ican’timagineafuturewithoutStassie,andsadly,herfutureisintertwinedwithhimtoo.Evenmoresoiftheywinthisweekend.
Theirnamesaregoingtoberecordedsidebyside.
Heknowssheneedshimmorethansheloatheshim.That’swhatthiswholetherapybullshithasbeenabout;he’sbeenremindinghersheneedshimasapartner.
Likewedidn’tallalreadyfuckingknow.
Therestofthedrivefliesby,andbeforeIknowit,I’mpullingintothepackedparkinglotoftheSpiritCenter.Stassaidthisisthefirsttimeinyearsthatnationalshavebeenonthewestcoast,andIfeelluckyrightnowthatshe’snotontheothersideofthecountry.Aboveeverythingelsehappening,I’mgladI’mheretosupporther,andthat’swhatI’mconcentratingon
PeopleareliningthehallswhenImakemywayintothebuilding.Trainerswiththeprotégés,parentswiththeirverynervouskids,andhugefamilieswearingdifferentskatingteamemblemsontheirjackets.
It’skindofwildthatthebestfigureskatersinthecountryareinthisbuildingrightnowandStassieisoneofthem.Figureskatingforsixweeksdefinitelygavemeanewappreciationforhowgoddamndifficultitis.
Imightstillhavebruisesonmyassandkneesfromfallingdown.
I’vegotabouttenminutesbeforethepair’sshortprogrambegins,whichgivesmeenoughtimetobuyadrinkandusethebathroom.Idon’tknowwhyI’msonervouswhenshe’stheonewhohastoskate.
I’mluckytogetaseatattheendofanaisle,nexttoahugefamilyallwearingmatchingT-shirts.StassieandAaronareonsecondintheirgroup,butImissedthewarm-up,soIhaven’tevenhadaglimpseofher.Idon’tmanagetopayattentiontothefirstpairthatperform,mymindistoopreoccupied.Myseatisdirectlyabovetheaccesstunnelontotheice,andinmyeyelineIcanseethebackofBrady’shead,soIknowStasisclose.
Practicallyeverypartoftheexterioroftherinkiscoveredincameras,withthewholecompetitionbeingstreamedonline.Theguyshaveallpiledintoourhousetowatchandhavebeenblowingupourgroupchatwithsupport—andhorror—whensomeoneinthelastgrouphadanastyfall.
“NextontheicefromMapleHillsSkatingTeamisAaronCarlisleandAnastasiaAllen.”
IcanhearmyheartbeatinmyearsasIwatchherskateontotheice.Shelooksbeautiful,herlong,lightbrownhaircurledandpinnedback,showingthedetaileddiamantéencrustednettingacrossherchestandarmsanddownthefrontofhernavy-bluecostume.Theymoveintothecenteroftherink,handinhand,waitingforthemusictobegin.
Aslowed-downacousticversionof“KissMe”bySixpenceNonetheRicherbeginstoplay,andtheymaketheirfirstmoveacrosstheice.I’velistenedtothissongand“ClairdeLune”moretimesthanIcancountinthetimewe’vebeentogether.
Atpractice,Iwaswithherassheglidedacrosstheice,lookingsoclosetoperfectionitwashardtobelieveshewasn’tputonthisearthjusttodothis.Atthehouse,whenshe’dslidearoundthekitchentiles,draggingmearoundwithher,laughing,claimingwewerepracticing.
Thissongwillalwaysremindmeofthosemoments.
Ican’tmovemyeyesfromthepairastheyseamlesslyandperfectlydelivereverymove.Myphoneisbuzzingrelentlesslyinmypocket,butIignoreit,unwillingtomissevenasplitsecond.They’renearingtheendoftheprogram,twominutesandalmostfortysecondsgoneinablink.Aaronpicksherupfortheirfinalmove,andAnastasiaglidesthroughtheairflawlessly,landingsogentlyyouwouldn’tthinkshewasspinningthroughtheairasecondearlier.
Thepairofthemmovetowardthecenteroftherink,dotheirfinaldancemoves,andendwrappedaroundeachotherasthemusicfades.Everysecondofitwasperfect.Notevenahairoutofplace.
Andwhentheapplausestarts,that’swhenAarontakesherfaceinhishandsandkissesher.FORTY-NINE|ANASTASIA
Thereareflashinglightsgoingoffallaroundus,andmychestissotightIcan’tbreathe.
I’mpushingagainsthim,buthisgriponmyfaceistootight,andIdon’twanttomakeasceneontheice,sincethereareaboutthirtycameras,atalldifferentangles,capturingthis.
Capturing
Thisisgoingtobeavailableforeveryonetosee.Peoplehavealreadyseenit;they’rewatchingitrightnow.Nathanisathomewatchingitrightnow.Watchinguskissing.
I’mgoingtobesick.
Aaronfinallydetacheshimselffromme,leaningback,lookingtriumphant.Heholdsupanarmtowavetothecrowd,andit’stakingeverythinginmenottoburstintotears,righthereinfrontofallthesepeople.Mybodystartstofunctiononitsown,leadingmeofftheicetoBrady’ssmilingface.
Shewouldbesmiling;wewereperfect.Icouldfeelitineverymovement,everytwistandturn,everymomentontheicetotallyinsync.Rightuntiltheend,whenAaronputhismouthonminewithoutpermissionandruinedeverything
ItaketheguardsfromCoach’soutstretchedhand,swervingthehugshetriestotrapmein,andheadthroughthetunnelawayfromthecamerasandawayfromAaron.
Icanhardlyseetheexitafewmetersinfrontofmeasthetearslinemyeyes,blurringmyvision.
“Stas!”Aaronshoutsfrombehindme,andIcanhearitinhisvoice—he’sconfused.Hedoesn’tunderstandwhyI’mstormingawayfromhimwhenweshouldbecelebratingourstellarperformance.
Ahead-turningperformance.
Thekindofperformancethatputsyouonpeople’sradars—thekindofpeoplewhoseradarswewanttobeon.
Hishandclosesaroundmybicep,stoppingmeinmytracks,andIhavenochoicebuttospintofacehim.Iwanttoappearstrong,givetheimpressionthatI’mnotimpactedbyhim,butIcan’tbecausethetearsarestreamingdownmyface.“We’redone,Aaron.You’vegonetoofarthistime.”
Hiseyebrowspracticallyshootupintohishairline.“Whatdoyoumean‘we’redone?’Wefuckingnailedit!”
Bradyappearsbehindhim,eyescautiouslyflittingbetweenus.“Weneedtowaitforyourscore.Anastasia,Iknowyou’reupset,andwecandealwiththis,butyouneedtowipethetearsawayandputonabravefaceforthecameras.”Mychestheavesastheysuffocatemewiththeirwaryglances.“Iknow,honey,”shecoos.“I’msosorry,Iam.Butyouneedtothinkofyourcareer,let’sdealwiththisafter,andIpromisewewill.”
“Idon’tunderstandwhatI’vedone,”Aaronsaysflatly.“Idon’tgetit.Stopcrying,weneedtofindoutwherewe’veplaced.”
“No!I’mdone.”Isob.“Icouldn’tgethimoffme.Hewouldn’tstop.Ididn’twantto.Youwouldn’tletmego.I’mnotdoingitanymore,Coach.Idon’twantto,Idon’twantto,Idon’twantto.”
Theexitdoorsopenbehindus,andIgettheshockofmylifewhenNathanfliesthroughthem.Iwatchhimapproachusovermyshoulder,andittakesonelookatmystreamingeyestoknowthiswasn’tastunt.Itwasn’tpartofourroutine.Weweren’tsellingbeinginloveforthecamerasandthejudges.
“Oh,herewefuckinggo,”Aarongrumbles.
“Areyouokay?”Nateasks,franticallypullingmybodytohisinatighthug.HisthumbsgentlysweepthetearsawayfromundermyeyesasIlookupathim,shakingmyhead.
“Iwanttogohome,”Iforceoutbetweencries.
“Thisisfuckingridiculous.Anastasia,I’msorryifIupsetyou,allright?Iwasinthemoment.It’swhatthepeoplewantedandIjustwantedtodeliver.Iwon’tdoitagainifyou’regoingtobethisupsetoverasillygimmick.”
“Youdon’tfuckinggetit,doyou?”Nathanseethes,releasingmeandstalkingtowardAaron.BeforeIevenhavetimetotellhimtoleaveit,hisfistsmashesintoAaron’sface,droppinghimtothefloor.BradyisgrippingNate’sarmbeforehehasachancetodoanythingmore,screechinghisnameathim.“Youforcedyourselfonher,youpieceofshit!”heshoutsdownatAaron,who’scradlinghisswellingcheek.
“Ohmygoodness.Everyonejustcalmdown!”Bradyyells.“Hawkins,getoutofhere.Aaron,getup.”Shepullsonherhair,finallylosinghercool.“Anastasia,getthroughthenextfifteenminutes,please.Thenwewilltalk,Ipromiseyou.”
AaronandImustlooklikeabsolutedisasterssittingonthebenchesinfrontofthecamera,waitingforourresult.
Myeyesarepuffy,andthesideofAaron’sfaceisswollen,althoughpartiallybeingcoveredbytheicepackafirstaidersourcedforhim.Bradyissittingbetweenus,herhandintertwinedwitheachofourfreeones,andIcan’timaginethreepeoplewhowanttobesittinginfrontofacameralessthanthethreeofusrightnow.
Thescoresrollin,placingusinfirstamongtheskaterswhohaveperformedalready,butIcan’tevenbringmyselftobeexcitedbecauseit’sover.Isitmotionless,ignoringBradyandAaron’scheers.Herarmwrapsaroundmyshoulderincomfort,butwhenthelightofthecameragoesoff,indicatingtherecordinghasstopped,I’mupandonmywaytofindNathanagain.
“Anastasia,wait!”Coachshouts,thesoundofhershoesechoingbehindme.Islowdown,turningtofaceher,watchingherjogtowardmewithopenarms.“I’msorryhedidthattoyou.”
“I’mdone.”
“Youkeepsayingthat,butwhatdoesitmean?”sheaskscautiously.IcanseeAaronapproachingfromtheresultsroom,strollingcalmlylikeamanwithabsolutelynothingtoworryabout.“Youcan’tquitskatingoverakiss,Anastasia.Iwon’tletyou.”
“I’mnotquitting,”Isay,lookingatAaronoverhershoulderashereachesus.“I’mjustnotskatingwithAaroneveragain.”
Hescoffsandtheurgetopunchtheothersideofhisfaceisoverwhelming.“You’llnevergetanotherpartner,andevenifyoudo,you’llneverbereadyinthenexttwoyears.AreyoureallyplanningtomakeyourOlympicdebutattwenty-seven?Berealistic,Jesus.Justacceptmyapology,Stas.We’lltalkaboutitwithDr.Robeskanextweek.Weneedtogetourheadinthegamefortomorrow.Lookhowfuckinggoodwearetogether!We…”
Ilethimgoonandon,pitchinghimselftomelikeagoddamnsalesman.Andwhenhe’sfinallydone,smilingsmuglytohimselfbecausehethinkshisbullshithasworkedonmeonceagain,IlookbacktoBrady.“I’mgoingsolo.Ifourscoreputsusthrough,pleasetellthemthatIwithdraw.”
Aaron’shandsgriphishairasrealitystartstosetin.“Youcan’tgosolo.Don’tfuckingdothistome,Anastasia.AftereverythingI’vedoneforyou,forfuck’ssake.Stopbeingsuchastubbornbitch!You’renotevengoodenoughtocompetealone.OhmyGod.OhmyfuckingGod.You’reruiningmylife.”
“That’senough!”Bradysnapsathim.
“I’mgoingtofindmyboyfriend,andthenI’mgoinghome.Good-bye,Aaron.”
“Stas,please,”hebegs.
“I’vedonenothingbuttrustyou,Aaron.Fornearlytwoandahalfyears,I’veputeverythingI’vegotintothispartnership,intoourfriendship.Allyou’vedoneisusemeandmanipulateme,slut-shameme,tellmeI’mnotgoodenoughtobeyourpartner.Well,I’mfinallyhearingyouloudandclear.Youdon’twantmeandthat’sfinebecauseIdon’twantyoueither.I’dratherskatealoneandriskfailingthansucceedwithyou.WinningisabsolutelyworthlesswhenitcomesatthecostofhavingtohatemyselfwhenI’mwithyou.”
Idon’tgivehimachancetorespondasIheadbacktowardthemainwaitingareatofindNate.Partofmefeelsliberated,light,free,butamuchbigger,moreprominentpartfeelsembarrassedanddisappointedIeverthoughtwecouldhaveapartnership.
Standingquickly,Naterushestowardmethesecondhespotsmeapproaching.Idon’tgivehimachancetoaskifI’mokay,mainlybecauseI’mworriedI’llcryagain,instead,askinghimtotakemetothehoteltogetmythings.
Ican’tbringmyselftolookatmyphonebetweenthearenaandthehotel,butIknowitwillbeblowingup.Thankfully,Ihaven’tunpackedyet,soIquicklygrabmysuitcaseandhandmykeycardbacktothereceptiondesk,beforehoppingstraightontothefreewaybacktoMapleHills.
Iwatchmymom’snameflashupforthemillionthtime,ignoringituntilitgoestovoicemail.Nathanhasn’tsaidanything,buthishandhasbeenmovingbetweenmylegandthebackofmynecksincewegotintothecar,strokinggently,theoccasionalcomfortingsqueezetoletmeknowhe’shereforme.
Theradiocutsoffasmydad’snameflashesuponthescreen,lettingusknowthere’sanincomingcall.“They’regoingtobemadatme.Theyspentsomuchmoneyonthisoutfita—”
“Theywon’tbemad,baby.They’reobviouslyworriedaboutyou.CanIanswer?”
Igivehimanodandheacceptsthecall.“Hey.”
“Nate,I’msorrytobotheryou.Idon’tsupposeyou’vespokentoAnnie,haveyou?Juliahasbeencallingherbutnoanswer.Wewerewatchingthestreaming,shelookedsodistraught.Betweenmeandyou,Juliaisveryupset.”
“She’swithme.”Helookstowardmequickly,thenlooksbackattheroad.“She’sasleep.She’sveryupset,andshe’sexhaustedherself.We’reonourwaybacktoMapleHills,she,uh,shewasn’tveryhappythatAaronkissedher.Itwasn’tpartoftheroutine,andI,uhm,I’mnotsureshe’sgoingtowanttobehisskatepartneranymore.”
Idon’tliketheideaofmakingNatelietomyparents,butI’mnotreadytofacethem.
“I’mnotsurprised,”hegruffs.“Theicepack…”
Nateclearshisthroat.“Ipunchedhim.ButIwantyoutoknowI—”
Beforehecanevenfinishexplainingheisn’taviolentperson,Dadinterrupts.“Noexplanationrequired.Welljustified,Ibelieve.We’resoproudofher,shewasphenomenaluntilheruinedit.Gethertocalluswhenshe’sawake,please.Wewanttomakesureshe’sokay.WecanflytoLAifshewantsusto,butnopressure.”
Myparentsdespiseflying,sothefactthey’reofferinghasmeonthebrinkoftearsagain.TheonlythingstoppingmeisthefactI’msupposedtobeasleep,andthereforecan’tbewailinginthebackgroundofacall.
Nategivesmythighasqueeze.“Iwill.Thanksforcalling.”
“Theydon’tsoundmad,”Isay,nottalkingtoanyonebutmyself.
“They’renotmad,”Nateconfirms.
***
Idoactuallyfallasleepinthecar,onlywakingupwhenthecargoesoverthespeedbumponthewayintotheparkinggarageatmybuilding.
IfoolishlybroughtallmythingsbackfromNathan’slastweek,butIwantsomecomfortitemsbeforeweheadbackthere.IcanhearbangingandrustlingbeforeIevenopenthedoor,andpartofmeisworriedI’mabouttowalkinonSabrinaandRobbiedoingsomethingweirdonthecouch,butinsteadIopenthedoorandRussisstandinginmylivingroom,lookinglikeadeerinheadlights,holdingaboxlabeledSMUTinhugeletters.
“Whatthehell?”Imutter,lookingaroundtheroomatthevarioushockeyplayersintheapartment.Nathan’shandsgripmywaistandushermefartherintotheroom,closingthedoorbehindus.
“Putyourbackintoit,”Sabrinashoutsatnooneinparticularasshestompsoutofmyroom.Sheclosesthegapbetweenusintwoseconds,pullingmeintoanoxygenstealinghug.“I’mgoingtocastratehim!IswearI’mgoingto,he’sgoingtoregretbeingborn!”
“What’sgoingon?”ImanagetosqueakoutwiththebreathIhaveleft.
“We’removingout,”shesaysnonchalantly.“Don’tworry,Ididn’tletanyoftheguysgointheseconddrawerofyourdresser.Ithoughtyoumightwanttoboxthatoneupyourself.”
“We’re?Meandyou?Wherearewegoing?”Isoundlikeafool,trippingovermywordsastheguysallworkaroundus,crackingonwithwhatIimaginewereverystrictinstructionsfromBrin.
Nathan’sarmswraparoundmyshoulders,andheburieshisheadintomyneck,kissinglightlybeneathmyear.“Wheredoyouthinkyou’regoing?”
“Allright,caveman.”Shetutsathim,mutteringsomethingunderherbreathwedon’tquitecatch.“JustuntilBabasortssomewhereforustolive.Wecan’tliveherewithhim.I’mtooprettyforjail.”
Acrashcomesfromherbedroom,andIthinkIvisiblyseeherbloodpressurerise.“JJ!”shescreams,stormingofftowardthesourceofthenoise.
I’msupposedtofeeloverwhelmedrightnow,buthonestly,allIfeelisrelief.I’vemadeonehugedecisiontoday;Iwasn’treadytohavetomakeanymore.IturninNathan’sarmstocuddleintohischest,lettingthechaosbehindmefadeaway.Hislipspressintomyhair,andhechuckles.“Youreadytoplayhouseeverysingleday?”
“Aslongasit’swithyou.”FIFTY|NATHANTHREEMONTHSLATER
“Stoptryingtoseduceme.I’vegotameetingwithSkinnerinthirtyminutes,andIneedtoshower.”
Anastasiastopskissingherwaydownmytorso,lookingupatmefromjustabovemybellybuttonwiththosebig,blueeyesIfuckinglove.Howcansomeonelooksoinnocentbutbesomuchgoddamntroubleatthesametime?Shesitsupalittle,themostmischievoussmileonherlipsasshecrawlsbackupmybodyandpressesachastekissagainstmylipsbeforerollingoffandlyingbesideme.
“Whatdoyouthinkhewants?”sheasks,pullingthecoversoverherbodysoIcanformulatearesponse,andnotgetdistractedbythefacthertitsaredirectlyinmyeyeline.
“Dunno,”Imumble,shufflingtowardherandrunningmyhandacrosshersoftskin.“Probablywantstousemeasahumansacrificeorsomething.”
Shenodsinagreement,curlingbackintomybody.“Icanseethat.Doyouthinkyourdadwillletmestayherewhenyou’regone?Wecan’tmoveintoournewplaceuntiltheendoftheschoolyear,andIdon’tfeellikethestreetsofMapleHillsareforme.”
“Ithinkhe’dprobablyprefertothrowyououtonthestreet,butthere’sachancehewon’tnoticeI’mdeadforatleastsixmonths,soyou’llprobablybefine.”
ThingswithDadareaspeachyasever.Theonlyhalf-decentthinghe’sdonerecentlywasgivingSashatimeofftolettheHamletsdrivehertoDenverwiththemtowatchusplaywhentheNCAAchampionshipswereheldthereatthestartofthemonth.
Wewonthetournament—notlikehewouldhavenoticedevenifhewerethere.I’mgladSashagottoseeuswin,alongsideAnastasiaandherparents.IcanstillhearColinnow,tellingmeandabsolutelyanyonewhowouldlistenhowunbelievablyproudhewas.Itwasanemotionaldayallaround;evenFaulknerandRobbiehadalittlemoment.
Itwastheperfectwaytoendmycollegehockeycareer,evenmoreperfectbecauseofwhoIwassharingitwith.
“IfyougetsacrificeddoIgetyourtrustfundordoesyourdadtakeitback?”sheasks,gigglingwhenIdigmyfingersintoherside.“Also,doIhaveyourblessingtomarryHenry?”
“Noandno,”IsayassternlyasIcanmanage.“Iwantyoutowearblackfortherestofyourlifeandnevermoveon.”
“Urgh.”Shehalfgrumbles,halflaughs,squirmingaround.“That’sgoingtointerferewithnextyear’sspringbreakplans.”
Shesqueals,laughingasIdragherfromthebed,throwherovermyshoulder,andmarchustotheshower.
***
TheridetoDirectorSkinner’sofficeseemstotaketwiceaslongasnormal.
ItextedFaulkneryesterdaytoseeifheknewwhatitwasabout,buthewasn’thelpful.
COACH
NATEHAWKINS:HeyCoach.BeenaskedtogoseeSkinnertomorrow.Doyouknowwhatit’sabout?
COACH:DoIlooklikehisfuckingsecretary?
NATEHAWKINS:WellI’veneverseenyouandhissecretaryinthesameplace…
NATEHAWKINS:So…
COACH:Comeseemeatmyofficeafteryou’redonewithSkinner.
COACH:Donotbringmebadnews.
COACH:Mylifeisgoingtobesomucheasierwhenyougraduateintwomonths.
NATEHAWKINS:Gonnamissyoutoo,Coach.
Skinner’sofficeisn’tinthesportsbuildingwiththerestofthecoachesandsportsstaff.Forsomereason,hisisinthemainbuilding,rightnearthedean’soffice.Iimagineit’seasierforhimtokissthedean’sassifhe’sinthesamebuilding.He’sonthephonewhenI’mshownintohisofficebyhisactualsecretary,whichgivesmethechancetolookaroundandconfirmit’sasgrimasIwasexpectingittobe.
“Sorryaboutthat.Nathan,hello,thankyouforcomingtoseeme.I’msureyou’rewonderingwhatthisisabout.”
“HaveIdonesomethingwrong?”
“Notexactly,”hesayscalmly,leaningbackinhischair.“Twomonthsago,IwasapproachedbyastudentregardingtheincidentinvolvingyouandAaronCarlisle.”
“Okay…”
“SheexplainedMr.Carlislehadavendettaagainstyouandwasinjuredoffcampuswhiledrunkwithhisfriends.Heusedtheaccidentasanopportunitytotarnishyourreputation.”
“That’swhatI’vebeentoldbypeoplewhowerewithhim,yeah.”
“Ofcourse,youadmittedtobeingthecause,whichyoushouldnothavedone…butI’vebeeninformeditwasonlyafterCoachFaulknerhadputthewholeteamonthebench.Inessence,youweredoingyourbesttoprotectyourteam.”
Notoneofmysmarterchoices.“That’sright,sir.”
“Anindependentinvestigationhasbeencarriedoutandfoundeverythingthestudenthadinformeduswastrue.Shewasverythoroughandwaskeenforyournametobeclearedofanywrongdoing.”
“WasthisstudentAnastasiaAllenbyanychance,sir?”
Heshrugs,butthereisaslightsmileonhislips.“Thestudentinquestionaskedtoremainanonymous,butIwantedtoseeyoufacetofacetoreassureyoutheincidentwillbeclearedfromyourcollegerecords.Iunderstandyou’regraduatingsoon,butforyourinformation,andanyconcernedparties,Mr.CarlislehastransferredtoUCLA,effectiveimmediately.”
Oh.
“I’msureAaronwillbeveryhappythere.Isthateverything?”Iaskcarefully,keentoescapeonagoodnote.
“Yes,that’sall.Oh,andcongratulationsonyourchampionshipwin.”
IgivehimanappreciativenodandgetmyassoutofthereasquicklyasIcan.IshouldhaveknownStassiewouldn’tletAarongounpunished.
UBERSLUT
NATEHAWKINS:You’reintrouble.
UBERSLUT:AmIthesacrifice?
UBERSLUT:Ican’tbe.Iamverybusyandimportant
NATEHAWKINS:YouwenttoSkinner.
UBERSLUT:Thatdoesn’tsoundlikesomethingIwoulddo.
NATEHAWKINS:YouwenttoSkinnerandyousnitchedonAaron
NATEHAWKINS:Allbecauseyouwantedtodefendmyhonor.
UBERSLUT:Youdon’thaveanyhonor*eyerollemoji*
UBERSLUT:Whatyoudidtomelastnightisfamouslynothonorableatall.
NATEHAWKINS:Youlikedit.
UBERSLUT:OfcourseIdid.Idon’thaveanyhonoreither.
NATEHAWKINS:AarontransferredtoUCLA
UBERSLUT:Shutup!!Really?
NATEHAWKINS:Yup.Skinnerjusttoldme.
UBERSLUT:I’dhavepreferredsomewhereinAlaska,butnotMapleHillswilldo.
KnowingI’mnotgoingtobeherenextyearhasbeenahardpilltoswallow,butknowingsheisn’tgoingtohavetofacehimattherinkorbumpintohimatpartiesmakesmefeelawholelotbetter.
ThenextstoponthelistisovertothesportsbuildingtoseeCoach.He’seatingwhatlookslikeaneverythingbagelwhenIstrollin.Hiseyesimmediatelynarrow,andIcanseehimshoutingatmeinhishead.Heeventuallyswallowsandsortofhalfgruntsatme.“Idon’tevengetpeacetoeatmybreakfastaloneanymore.Betweenyoulotandmydaughters,Iamgrayingprematurely.”
Ilookathiscompletelyshavedhead,noddingalonginagreement.“Youwantedtoseeme?”
Hewipeshishandsonanapkinandpusheshishalf-eatenbageltooneside.“Weneedtodiscussyourreplacementascaptain.It’stimetostartlookingtohandthetitleover,likeLewinskididwithyou.Haveyouthoughtaboutit?”
I’vebeenthinkingaboutwhowillreplacemesinceIgotbenchedlastyear.Notbeingontheicegavemetimetolookattheteam,watchthemthewayFaulknerandRobbiedo,andIsawalot.“You’regoingtolaugh…”
“Idon’tlaughbutgoon.”
“IthinkHenrywouldmakeagreatcaptain,”Isayhonestly.“He’scalm;onceI’mgone,he’sgoingtobethebestplayerontheteam;he’llalwaysbehonest;andhe’snotgoingtofuckaround.He’sgoingtobeajunior,whichmeanstheteamgetstwoyearsofthesamecaptain.”
Hethinksonitforaminute,hummingtohimselfquietly.“Okay.LetmespeaktoRobbie,seewhathisopinionis.”
“We’vealreadytalkedaboutit,andheagreesTurneristhebestchoice.”
RobbiewillbestayingatUCMHtodohismaster’s,sohe’llbecontinuingtocoachtheteam.Sincetheassistantcoachisnormallyapaidfacultyposition,we’reallhopingwhenhe’sdonewithschool,thejobwillbehandedtohim.
Acoupleofweeksago,overashitloadofbeers,wesatandbattledoutwhoshouldsucceedme.Henryhasgrowninconfidencesomuchinthetimehe’slivedwithus,soIthinkhecouldhandlethepressurethatcomeswithbeingaleader.Asidefromthat,nobodycanargueagainsthimbeingthebestplayer.
“Letmethinkonit,”Faulknersays,reachingforhisbagel,signifyingit’smytimetogetoutandleavehimalone.“I’llseeyouatpracticelater.”
SinceI’malreadyoncampus,Itakeatriptothelibrary,grabafewbooksIneedtostudyformyfinals,andheadhome.
ThehouseisfullwhenIgetback,fartoomanyhockeyplayerstakingupspaceonallmyfurniture.“Doyouguysnothaveyourownhousestogoto?Insteadofbeinghereeatingallmyfoodandstinkingoutmylivingroom?”
Igetahandfulofmiddlefingers,theoddgrunt,andfinallyaresponsefromKris.“Yourgirlpromiseduspadthai.”
JJandAnastasiadidtheVietnamesecookingclassafewweeksago,andsincethen,thisplacehasbeenlikearestaurant.They’redeterminedtotryasmanydifferentdishesandcuisinesastheycan.Theycooksidebyside,secretlycompetingwitheachothertoseewhomakesthebestmainorstarter,orwhomakesthebestsidedishes.Thenwesitdowntoeat,andtheysittheresmugly,enjoyingallofthecomplimentstheguysthrowintheirdirection.
Idon’tmentiontoStasthatI’mprettysureBobbyandMattieliveexclusivelyoffovenpizzas,sothey’regoingtokeepshowingupforfoodlongafterJJandIhavegraduated.
Ipushthroughallthebodiesandmessinmylivingroomandmakemywayovertothekitchen.Stassieischompingonsomebeansprouts,watchingthewokveryintensely.“Hey,bub.”Shesmiles.“Foodisnearlyready.”
Itiltherheadback,capturingherlipswithmine,enjoyingthewayherbodyimmediatelysinksintome.“Youknowyoudon’thavetofeedeveryone,right?Idon’texpectyouto.”
Shegigglesandgetsbacktothewok.“YouknowIloveit.It’slikehavingloadsofkids,butinsteadofbeingcuteandsmall,they’re,like,superbiganddrinkandcurse.It’sniceforyouguystospendtimetogethersincesomeofyouwon’tbeheresoon.Thaiseemstobeeveryone’sfavorite—theyshowedupimmediately.”
“AnastasiaAllen,doyouhavebabyfever?”
Herjawdropsandhercheeksblushpink,eyesblinkingrepeatedlylikeshecan’tbelieveIaccusedherofthat.“No!I’mbeingagoodgirlfriendandroommate.”
Ican’thelpbutlaugh.She’ssofuckingcutesometimesIdon’tknowwhattodowithher.“You’rethebestgirlfriendanddefinitelythebestroommate.Ilov—”
“Whatwasthataboutthebestroommate?”JJinterrupts,pushingmeoutofthewayofthestove.“Getoutofourkitchen,Hawkins.Thereisculinaryexcellencehappeninghere,andyou’regettinginthewaywithyourunseasonedvibes.”
StaswatchesmewithhereyebrowsraisedasIbackoutofthekitchen.Shemouths,Unseasonedvibesatme,tryingnottolaughasJJstartsgivingherinstructionsforplatingup.Iwatch—fromasafedistance—astheytransfereverythingintoservingbowlsandputitonthebeerpong/diningroomtable.“Food!”JJshoutsatthetopofhislungs,andtherestoftheguysimmediatelystartscramblingtowardtheden.
SabrinaandRobbiearealreadyseatedatthetable,securingthebestspots,andtheguysfilterin,eyeswideningattheselectioninfrontofthem.Theroomisfilledwiththesoundofclangingcutleryandappreciativeuhms,ahs,andoohs.Stassiebringsthefinalplateofeggrollsout,andIcan’tkeepmyeyesoffherasshestands,lookingaroundeveryoneandsmilingtoherself.
Thegirlwhowouldonlyeatsalad,didn’twantarelationship,andcouldn’tstandhockeyplayersisnowheretobeseen.
Shesqueezesherselfintotheseatbesidemeandfillsherplatefulloffood,groaninghappilywhenshehasamouthfulofnoodles.SheslapsatBobby’shandwhenhetriestostealaneggrollfromherplate,scowlingathimtothepointheflinches.Herfacesoftensassheturnstofacemeandfindsmelaughingattheinteraction.Sheshrugs,notsorryintheslightestshe’saddedtoBobby’sfearofher.“Eggrollsaremyfavorite.”
“You’remyfavorite,”Iwhisper,leaningintokissherflushedcheek.
“EvenifIhadcrabhands?”
“Evenifyouhadcrabhands,Anastasia.”EPILOGUETWO(ANDABIT)YEARSLATER
TheSeattleskylineisglowingbeneaththewarm,earlyeveningsunlight.Dr.Andrewsisrunningbehind,butIdon’tmindbecauseitgivesmealittlelongertoadmiretheview
IsometimesmisstheLAweatherwhenI’mstuckintherain,butrightnow,Ifeelperfectlycontent.
“Comein,Anastasia.”Dr.Andrewsholdsopenthedoorforme.“I’msorryforthedelay.”
“Don’tworry,”Ireassurehim,pushingmyselfupfrommychair.“Myanklesaresoswollenit’snicetositdown.”
“Well,you’redefinitelyglowingifthatmakesyoufeelbetter.Pregnancysuitsyou.”
“It’ssweat,don’tbefooled.”Takingaseatacrossfromhisdesk,Irunmyhandovermybump,hissingwhenIfeelatinyfootinmyribcage.“Wethinkshe’sgoingtobeasoccerplayer.Shelikestokick.”
“I’msurewithagoldmedalistforamotherandaStanleyCupwinnerforafather,whatevershedecidestobe,she’llbethebestatit.”
“Rightnow,she’sthebestatmakingmenearlypeemyself.”
AfterIgraduatedandmovedbacktoWashingtontobeclosertoNathan,Idecidedtostartwithsemi-regulartherapysessions.Therapydoesn’tfeelhardanymore,itmakesmefeelgrateful.Recappingmyfeelings,thingsI’vedone,thingsI’mlookingforwardto,andeventhethingsI’mnervousabout.ItallremindsmehowmuchIhavetofeelluckyfor
BythetimeI’mdrivinghome,BabyHiswrigglingaround,clearlyasexcitedtoseeherdadasIam.Well,that’swhatI’lltellNate,leavingoutthefactshestartedbreakdancingonmyorganswhenIopenedmysecondbagofFlamin’HotCheetos.
WhenheboughtmemyRangeRover,otherwiseknownasthesorryIaccidentallyknockedyouupmom-wagon,hefilledallavailablecompartmentswithsnacks.
Awisechoicesincehischildishungryconstantly
Yes,I’mblamingmyunbornbabyonhowmuchcrapIeatwhenI’msittingintraffic.
Pullingintoourdrivewaybesidemyparents’car,I’mnotevenfullyoutofthecarbeforeIcanhearBunny’ssignaturebarkechoingfromthebackyard
“Stopupsettingmybaby,”Icalloverthebarking,waddlingovertowhereNathanandmydadareshootingBunnywithawatergun.
“Mom’shome!”Nateshouts,causingaforty-five-poundbundleofwet,goldenflufftobouncetowardme,tailwaggingexcitedly.
KnowinghewastransferringtoSeattleattheendoftheseason,NathanpromisedmeaftertheOlympicsinFebruarywecouldgetagoldenretriever.Whatneitherofusplannedforwhenwedecidedtobecomedogparentswasmypre-Olympicdebutanxietycausingmetovomitupmycontraceptivepill.
Iwongoldintheladies’singles.
Wecelebrated.
Alot.
Oneverysurfacewecouldgetourhornylittlemittson.
Sixmonthslater,Ihaveagiantwatermelonstrappedtomystomachandtheworld’smostchaoticpuppy.
Natestridestowardme,closingthegapbetweenus,holdingthewaterguninmydirection,amischievousglintinhisbrowneyes.Hisshortsarelowonhiships,thelastoftheday’sraysbouncingoffhistannedskin.God,he’shot.“Don’tyoudare,Hawkins.”
“Welcomehome.”Hedropshisweapontothefloor,narrowlymissingBunny,spinningaroundatourfeet.Takingmyfaceinhishands,helowershismouthtomine,makingeverysinglecellinmybodyhumhappily.
Pregnancyhasmadeeverythingheightened,sowhenIthoughtIwasattractedtohimbefore,Iwassowrong.ThefactmyparentsarehererightnowistheonlyreasonI’mnottryingtoclimbhimlikeatree.
“Howaremyfavoritegirlstoday?”Nate’shandstraildownmyarmsgentlyuntiltheyreachmystomach.She’sgoingwildlikeshealwaysdoeswhenhe’snearus.“Youwantmetodothething?”
“God,yes.We’regood.We’rehungry.”Hestepsbehindme,windinghisarmsaroundmeuntiltheylinkatthebottomofmybump,liftingtotaketheweightoffme,andIinstantlymeltintohim.“OhGod,yes.”
IalwayssuspectedBabyHawkinswouldbeonebig-assbaby,butI’vebasicallybeenshowingsinceconception.
RIPmyvaginainafewmonths.
I’mallbumpandboobs.Giganticboobsthatmakeeveryonestareatmychest.IvisitedSabrinainNewYorkwithmymom,andshespenttheentiretripcheckingmeoutandweighingupwhethershewantedaboobjob.
Momappearswithaglassoflemonade,andbetweenthetwoofthemlookingafterme,IwonderwhyIevenbotheredleavingthehousetoday.“Youallpacked,honey?”
Inod.“Nothingfits,soI’lljustbewearingcroptopsforaweek.”
Natekissesmycheekfrombehind.“ItworksforWinnie-the-Pooh.”
WhenAlex,JJ’spartner,offeredtohelpplanourbabymoon,Ithoughttheywerejoking.Butitturnsoutthereisawholehostofbaby-relatedthingsI’myettolearnabout.Theonesthatinvolvemegettinggiftsandtripsaremyfavorite.
“Arethebaby’sthingspackedup?”Iask,reachingdowntoscratchbehindBunny’sears.
Momsighs.“Youdoknowyou’llhavetostopcallinghimthebabywhenthebabygetshere?”
Myfaceinstinctivelyscrunches.“No,Iwon’t.Firstborn.”Ipointtothefluffyfaceintenselylickingmyankle.Ipointatmyswollentummy.“Secondborn.”
Sherollshereyes,crouchingtofusshim,andnarrowlyavoidingthehugeslobberytonguethatheadstowardherface.“Comeon,littleguy,you’regoingonvacationtoo!”
TheintenseexcitementIonceexperiencedwhentravelingislessintensenowI’mabowlingball,butIdoenjoybossingNathanaroundfromacomfortablepositionwithmyfeetup.
Morethantwo-and-a-halfyearstogetherandthemanstillcan’tusepackingcubesproperly.
ThejourneyfromSeattletoCaboisseamless,andweonlygetstoppedforpicturesapproximatelyonemilliontimes.Myfavoritefansaretheoneswhodon’twatchhockey,sotheyhandtheirphoneorcameratoNatewhentheyaskforaphoto.Hesayshedoesn’tmindpeoplethinkinghe’sfamousforbeingmyboyfriend.
Ican’thelpbutlaughwhenhesaysitbecauseheseemstomeanit.IsaidwecanworkonhispublicimagebeforeIwinmynextmedal;maybeit’llreducehowmuchhehastoplayphotographer
Ourvillaislessvilla,morebeachmansion,butNatesaystheextravaganceisnecessarybecausehewantssomewhereprivatewhereIcanbecomfortable.
Naked.Nakediswhathewantsmetobe.
Wespendthedayonthebeach,readingandnapping,coolingdowninthesea.NatehasmadeaBabyHawkins–sizedholeinthesand,theperfectsizetofitmybumpin,andforthefirsttimeinmonths,I’mabletosleeponmystomach.Bliss
“Stas,younearlyready?”
“Stoprushingme!”
Ihearhimchuckleinthelivingroom.“Well,canyouatleastspeeditupalittle?Wehaveareservation.”
Havinghadnochoicebuttowashallthesaltwateroutofmyhair,Imadethecriticalpost-showererrorofsittingonthebedinmytowel,withabagofbarbecueLaysandmyphone.I’mnowuptodatewithwhateveryoneI’veeverfollowedisdoing,butIunfortunatelyhavenoclothesonanddamp,frizzyhair.
Draggingmyhairbackintoasleekponytail,Ipullonasundress,dabasmallamountofhighlighteraroundvariouspointsofmyface,andaddsomemascara.ThebeautyofbeingonvacationisIcanpretendthisisthelookIwasgoingfor,andnobodycantellmeotherwise.
WhenIfinallyemergefromthebedroom,NateiswatchingtheGrandPrixwithabeer.“Comeon,we’regoingtobelate.”
Hismouthopensandhisheadturnstolookatmeindisbelief.“I’mwaitingforyou!I’vebeenwaitingforyouforsolong!”
“Thatfeelslikeanexaggeration,”Imutter,puttingmyphoneinmypurse.“Shouldweheadout?”
Standing,heguzzlestherestofhisbeer,stillshakinghisheadandcursingmeunderhisbreath.“Gottachecksomething,I’llmeetyououtside.”
“Hurryup,Nathan.”Ifighttokeepthesmirkfrommyface.“Wehaveareservation.”
Hiseyeswiden,thensnapshutashetakesadeepbreath.“Iknow.I’vebeentellingyouthat.”
Thewalktotherestaurantisashortone,andtheyleadusthroughthemaindiningareaandoutthebacktoaprivatebeacharea.Rosepetalshavebeenusedtocreateapathwaytoalonetableonthebeach.
Nathanhelpsmetuckinmychair,beforemovingtositoppositeme.“I’mgoingtoeateverythingonthemenu,”Iwarnhim.“Itisn’tgoingtobeattractive.”
“Everythingyoudoisattractive.”
“We’llseeaboutthat…”
Idon’tquitemanageeverythingonthemenu,butImakeasignificantdentinmymeal,Nate’smeal,andthebreadbasket.Isitstaringathimwhilehesipsonhiswineandpeoplewatches.He’soddlyquiettonight,butsometimeshe’slikethisinhisdowntime.Beingsurroundedbynoiseandchaosallthetimeatworkistiringforhim,andsomeofthemostspecialtimesbetweenusinvolveussilentlybeingineachother’scompany.
Sensingmyeyesonhim,hisheadturnstowardme,eyeslockingwithmine,takingmybreathaway.Thetipofhisnoseispinkfromtoday’ssun,andhisnormallytrimmedshortstubblehasgrownlonger.EverytimeIlookathimmypulsesoarsandmyhearthammersinmychest,andwhenIthinkI’vereachedmaximumcapacityforhowmuchIlovehim,somethingprovesmewrong.
FallinginlovewithNathanHawkinswasnotsomethingIcouldhaveplanned.
Noplanner,iPad,orfreakingstickerchartcouldhavepreparedmeformyfuture.
Myimaginationisn’tcapableofdreamingupthislevelofhappiness.
“You’restaringatmewiththatgoofylookyoudowhenyou’rethinkingtoohard.”
Rollingmyeyes,Ichuckleathisrudeinterruptiontomyinnermonologue.“I’mthinkingabouthowmuchIloveyou.”
“That’sfunny.Iwasthinkingaboutyoutoo.”
Pushinghischairback,hestandsfromourtable,andIwatchhimcuriously.“What’reyoudo—”Hesinksonekneeintothesandbesideme.“OhmyGod.”
Reachingintohispocket,myheartslowsdownandalump—big,butnotasbigasthediamondbeingheldoutinfrontofme—formsinmythroat.BabyHishavingaraveinmystomach,andtearspreemptivelylinemyeyes.
“Anastasia,youarethebestthingtoeverhappentome,andtocallyoutheloveofmylifedoesnotdojusticetohowmuchIloveyou.Myexistencedoesn’tmakesensewithoutyoubymyside.Fortherestofourlives,inthenextlife,ineveryalternatereality,I’llbeyoursifyou’llhaveme.Youaremybestfriend,mygreatestgift,andMila—andBunny—aresoblessedtohaveyouastheirmom.”
Okay,herearethetears.
“Willyoumarryme?”
Noddingfrantically,Ilaunchmyselfathim,nearlyknockinghimoverintothesand.“Yes,yes,yes!”Myhandsshakeasheslidestheringontomyfinger,immediatelytakingmyfacebetweenhishandsandkissingthelifeoutofme.
“AnastasiaHawkins.Wow.AndhereIwasthinkingthiswasjustacasual,nocommitment,nojealousything.”
Hesnorts,pressinghislipsagainstmineonemoretime.“Shutup,Anastasia.
THEENDTHANKYOUFORREADING
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Signuptowww.hannahgrace.co.uktobethefirsttohearaboutnewreleasesandreceiveaccesstoexclusivefreebonuscontent.ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Myhusband,forbelievinginme,forlettingmespendoursavingsonfundingmy(veryexpensive)dream,and,despitehavingthebiggestmouthever,keepingmyhobbyasecretlikeyoupromisedyouwould.
Marcy,forconvincingmeIcouldwritemyownbook.Thankyouforhelpingmediscovermypassion.
Ha-Le,thepersonwhodefinitelyknowsIcebreakerbetterthanIdo.Thankyouforyourendlesssupport.
PaisleyandLeni,forvirtuallyholdingmyhandthroughpublishingmyfirstbook.Yourhardworkandcreativityhavemadethisbookwhatitis,andIcan’twaittoworkonsomanyotherprojectswithyouboth.
Finally,tomycrisisteam,whoIloveendlessly:
Erin,forbeingmyemotionalsupportauthor.Thankyouforyourfriendship,forbeingtheretolistentoallmyweird,half–thoughtoutideas,andforactivelyencouragingthemall.Youarethereasonmy“towritelist”isforty-fivebookslong.ThisismeputtingBookBarenergyintotheuniverse.
Kiley,forbeingthefirstpersontoreadtheIcebreakerplotoutline.Thankyouforalwaysbeinginmycorner,fordemandingchapterswhenIhavewriter’sblock(whichweirdlyworks),andmoreimportantly,foransweringallmy“Ki,in