Dedication
Formysister,Laura,
thehumanLisaSimpsonContents
Cover
TitlePage
Dedication
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Chapter31
Chapter32
Chapter33
Chapter34
Chapter35
Chapter36
Chapter37
Chapter38
Chapter39
Chapter40
Chapter41
Chapter42
Chapter43
Chapter44
Acknowledgments
P.S.Insights,Interviews&More…*
AbouttheAuthor
AbouttheBook
AnExcerptfromJUSTLASTNIGHT
Prologue
Chapter1
Chapter2
AlsobyMhairiMcFarlane
Copyright
AboutthePublisher1
Dan
Whattimeyouthinkyou’llbebacktonight?Roughly?
Laurie
Dunno.SOONIHOPE.
Dan
Youhope?
Laurie
EveryonehasraspberriesinProseccos
Dan
IthoughtyoulikedProsecco.Andraspberries
Laurie
Ido!I’vegotone.?ButdenotesacertaintypeofGirlsNightOutthat’snotveryme.They’recallingthem“cheekybubbles”
Dan
Yourproblemisotherpeoplelikeittoo?Can’timaginemycriticismofanightoutbeing“peopleorderedthesamedrink”?
Laurie
…Exceptwhenyousaidyouhatestagdosthat“startwithgettingtenpintsofStellainat7aminGatwickSpoons.”
Dan
Youcan’ttakeamomentoffbeingalawyer,canyou?
Laurie
HAH.Youmisspelled“yougotmebangtorights,Loz”?
Danistyping
Danistyping
Lastseentodayat9:18p.m.
Danmust’vethoughtbetterofhisreply.Laurieclickedherphoneoffandpusheditbackintoherbag.
Obviouslyshedidn’treallymindthecliché,boozewasbooze,thatwastryingtobewittilyacerbicbravado.Itwasadistresssignal.Lauriewasatseaandherphonefeltlikeaconnectionbacktoshore.Tonightwasanunwelcomeflashbacktotheemotionsoflunchbreaksatsecondaryschool,whenyouhadasingle-parentmumandnomoneyandnocool.
Sofar,thegirlshaddiscussedthebenefitsofeyebrowmicroblading(“AshleyfromStagCommunicationslookslikeEddieMunster”)whetherornotMarcusFairbright-PageatKPMGwasabadarseholewho’dbreakheartsandbedframes(Lauriethoughtonwhatshe’dgleaned,thatwasanemphaticyes,butalsogatheredthataverdictwasn’tdesired).AndhowmanyburpeesyoucouldmanageinHIITclassatVirginActive(noideathere,none).
Theywereallsoglamorousandfeminine,socarefullygroomedandproducedforpublicdisplay.Lauriefeltlikeadishwater-featheredpigeoninanenclosurefullofchirrupingtropicalbirds.
Emilyreallyowedher.Tonightwastheproductofsomethingthathappenedroughlyonceeverythreemonths—herbestfriend,andownerofaPRcompany,beggedLaurietojointheirteamnightoutandmakeit“lessbloodyboring,orwe’llspendthewholetimediscussingthenewaccounts.”Emily,asCEOandhostess,wasattheheadofthetableputtingeverythingonthecompanycreditcardandhandingaroundtheNocellaraolivesandsaltedalmonds.Laurie,latearrival,wasatthefarend.
“Whowasthat,then?”saidSuzanne,toherright.Suzannehadabeautifulshoulder-lengthsheetofcustard-coloredhairandthegazeofacustomsofficer.
Laurieturnedandconcealedherirritationwithaventriloquist’sdummysmile.“Whowaswhat?”
“Onyourphone!Youlookedwellintense.”Suzannerolledherdoeeyesupwardandmimedasortofchimpanzee-like,vacanttrancestate,herhandsmovingacrossanimaginaryhandset.Shewhoopedwithgirlish,alcohol-fueledlaughter,thesortthatcouldsoundcruel.
Lauriesaid:“Myboyfriend.”
Theword“boyfriend”hadstartedtosoundatriflesilly,Lauriesupposed,but“partner”wassodryandstiff.Shehadafeelingherpresentcompanyalreadythoughtshewasthosethings.
“Awww…isitearlydays?”Suzannecombedherfairy-taleprincesshairoverherearswithherfingers,andputherflutetoherlips.
“Haha!Hardly.We’vebeengoingoutsincewewereeighteen.Wemetatuniversity.”
“OhmyGOD,”Suzannesaid,“Andyou’rehowold?”
Laurietensedherstomachmusclesandsaid:“Thirty-six.”
“OhmyGOD!”Suzannesquawkedagain,loudlyenoughthattheyhadtheattentionofafewothers.“Andyou’vebeentogetherallthistime?Noflingsorbreaks?Like,he’syourfirstboyfriend?”
“Yeah.”
“Icouldnothavedonethat.OhmyGod.Wow.Washeyour”—sheloweredhervoice—“first-first?”
Lauriecringedinwardly.
“Bitpersonalaftertwodrinks,hah?”
Suzannewasnottobedeterred.
“Ohmygiddyaunt!Ohno!?Je-SUS!”shesaidgaily,asifshewasbeingfunandnotjudgmentalandprurientandgenerallyawful.“Butyou’renotmarried?”
“No.”
“Doyouwanttobe?”
“Notreally,”Lauriesaid,shrugging.“I’mnotmadlyproorantimarriage.”
“Maybewhenyouhavekids?”Suzannesupplied.Oh,subtle.Pissthepissoff.
“Areyoumarried?”Lauriesaid.
“No!”Suzanneshookherheadandthelovelyhairrippled.“Iwanttobemarriedbythirty,forsure.I’vegotfouryearstofindMr.Right.”
“Whybythirty?”
“IjustkindafeelthatIdon’twanttobeontheshelf.”Shepaused.“Nooffense.”
“Sure.”
Lauriebrieflydebatedsaying:Youknowthatthisisreallyrude,right?Imean,youknowyoucan’tstick“nooffense”ontheendlikeittakesthecurseoff?AndthenmadetheusualBritishcalculationsaboutthetensecondsoftriumphnotbeingworththehoursofembarrassmentandhostilityafterward.
“Whereareyoufrom,Laurie?”saidCarlyintheanimal-printtop,sittingontheothersideofSuzanne,andafamiliarheavyleadsettledinLaurie’sgut
“Yorkshire,”shesaid,withabrightawhellpleasecanwenotsmile,whichsheknewwouldbelostontherecipient.“Youcanprobablytellfromtheaccent.”
“No,Imeantwhereareyoufrom?”shesaid,vaguelygesturingatherownface.
Ofcourseyoudid.
Theusualforkintheroadopenedup:answerthequestionsheknewtheywereasking,orpretendnottounderstandandprolongtheagony.Ifyoudidn’tpandertoit,youwerebeingungracious,chippy,makingathingofit.Youweretheproblem.
“Yorkshire,seriously.IwasbornatHuddersfieldRoyal.”
AmomenttickedpastandSuzanne,tonosurprisewhatsoever,pitchedin:“Shemeanswhereareyourmumanddadfrom?”
“Mydad’sfromOldham…”
Afreshtrayofcocktailsarrived,cucumbercurlsinsidelikeribbons,andLaurie’sgenealogywasabruptlydemotedininterest.
“…Mymum’sfromMartinique,”shesaid,butadistractedCarlyandSuzannehadalreadyforgottenthey’dasked.
“Y’what?”
“MymumisfromMartinique!”Lauriesaidshrilly,abovethemusic,pointingatherface.
“Yourmum’scalledMARTINEEEK?”
Fuckit.
“I’mgettinganold-fashioned,”Lauriesaid,standingupabruptly.Makeofthatnamewhatyouwill.
Thenshesawthem,achanceglimpsethroughtheshiftingthrong.Laurieinvoluntarilygrinnedattheignoblethrillofunexpectedlyseeingsomethingshedefinitelywasn’tsupposedtosee,huddledonabanquette,twentyfeetaway.
HercolleagueJamieCarterwasoutwithagorgeousyoungwoman.Sofar,sopredictable.But,ratherthananunknownlovely,Lauriewas99percentsurethatthewomanhewascozyinguptowastheboss’sniece,Eve,whohewasspecificallywarnedoffgoinganywherenear,thedaybeforeshearrived.Officegossipdynamite.Possiblyemployment-contract-terminatingdynamite,dependingonjusthowprotectiveMr.Salterwas.
Thewarninghadbeenthesourceofmuchmirthattheoffice:Jamiereallywasa“LockUpYourDaughters”threat.
“MightaswellfitCarterwithaGoPro,fromwhatIheard,”she’dguffawed.“Thesecretlifeoftheneighborhoodtom.”
Lauriewaspickingatabagofcrimsonseedlessgrapesatthetime,andtheofficejunior,Jasmine,unintentionallyoutedherselfasyetanotherwithacrushbyblushingthesameshadeasthefruit.
Well,whateverhadbeensaidbyhissuperiors,itobviouslyhadadevastatingimpact.Jamiehadthelawschoolundergraduateandtwenty-four-year-oldbabeoutonherownafterhoursandsippingHavanaClubwithinaweek.
Lauriehadtoadmirehisballs.Andnodoubtshewouldn’tbetheonlyone.
Theriskychoiceofcompanionaside,theRefugewasexactlywhereshe’dexpecttoseeamanlikeJamieonaFridaynight.Chic’s“GoodTimes”wasblaringandanartworkdirectlyabovetheirheads,afactorychimneyskylinepickedoutinblackandwhitetiles,declaredTHEGLAMOUROFMANCHESTER.HeandEveweresuitedtotheirsubtitles.
Aglitteringcathedralofabarinsideanineteenth-centuryhotel,itwasonlyaboutfifteenminutes’walkfromtheirofficeonDeansgate.Itwasn’tasifJamiewasindeepcover.Whytakesucharisk?
Perhapshe’dsimplygambledhewouldn’tbecaughtherebyanyoftheoldsticksorsuburbansnipesamongtheircolleagues.Yes,thatwouldbeit,aswhatlittleLaurieknewofJamiesuggestedhe’denjoyplayingtheodds.Itwasunlikelyhe’dnoticeher,formorethanonereason,inhervantagepointamongagaggleofwomenattheotherendoftheroom.
ShecouldseeJamiewasinhiselement,handsomefaceanimatedinstorytelling,apalmtheatricallyclappedoverforeheadatonepointtoemphasizedismayorshame.Evewasvisiblyfallingforhimbyanotherdegreewitheachpassingmoment,hereyespracticallystarshaped,likeanemoji.(Anddidn’thewearglassesusually?Hah,thevanity.)
Jamiewasclearlyanexpertatthis,acompletelypracticedhunterinhisnaturalhabitat.WhetherEveknewthatshewasthisweekend’santelopewasanothermatter.
Hishairwasshortanddarkwithacurltoit,hischeekboneslikeshoemolds.They’dcomestraightfromtheoffice,himstillinwhiteshirtsleeves.AndEve…hmmm,Eveknewthey’dbedoingthis,asshewasinanavypinstripetrousersuit,jacketdiscarded,witharedsilkcamisole,swingingearrings,matchingspikyketchup-coloredheels.Nodoubthernine-to-fivepracticalflatswerecrushedintothatcapaciousbag.(WasthataBirkin?Oh,tohaverichuncles.)
LauriefeltashiverofaweathowwellJamieandEvefitinamidthedinandthecrushofallthesebrightyoungthings,theirmatingrituals,tautstomachs,andbrashconfidence.
Imaginebeingsingle,shethought.Imaginebeingexpectedtogohomeandtakeyourclothesoffwithsomeoneyou’dnevermetbefore.Horror.Doingitforahobby,thewayJamieCarterdid,feltalientoher.ThankGodforDan.ThankGodforgoinghometosomeonewhowashome.
AsLauriewaitedinthefour-person-deeprabbleatthebar,sheponderedtheJamieCarterPhenomenon.
Jamie’sarrivalhadcausedastirfromhisfirstweekatherlawfirminthewayconspicuouslygood-lookingmenwerewonttodo,andinthewayanyonewaswonttodoinofficeswherepeoplespentalotoftimeinzoocaptivity,feedingondistraction.Thedeathofthecigarettebreakinthemodernage,Laurienoticed,hadbeenreplacedbysnoutingaroundsocialmediaprofilesformaterialfordiscussion.Lauriewasconstantlythankfulherlifewasfartooboringtomakeasideshow.
AtfirsttherewereexcitablewhispersatthewaterdispensersinSalter&RowsonsolicitorsthatsomeoneasfineasJamiewassingle,wonderingifhewasaneligiblebachelor,asiftheywereinanAustennovel.And,asDianasaid,hewas“withoutanybaggage,”whichLauriealwaysthoughtwasaharshwaytorefertoex-spousesandchildren.
Thenintime,theexcitablewhisperswereaboutthefacthewasn’tapparentlyinterestedindatinganyoneinparticular,butthathe’ddisappearedoffintothenightwithXorY.(XorYtendedtobe,likeEve,abeautifulintern,orafriendofanemployee.)Lauriethoughtthiswasonlyasurprisingturnofeventsifyou’dnevermetamanwithlotsofoptionsandnothingatstakebefore.
Howoldwashe,thirty?Andhungryfornotjustaplethoraofdatesbutalsoprofessionaladvancement,ifthesecondlayerofwhispersabouthimwastobebelieved.
TheonlyunusualaspecttoJamie’sreputationasastealthshaggerwasthathepickedhistargetscleverly.Theinternshadalwaysfinishedtheirinterning,thefriendofafriendwasneveraclosefriend,andwhatRussianscalledkompromatwasscant.Therefore,whileitwasknownhewasaladies’man,henevergotblamedforlady-killingorsufferedapoortestimonialabouthissexualprowessfromascornedwoman.JamieCarternevergotintoanytrouble.Untilnow,perhaps.2
“Hello?”saidamalevoiceatherelbow.
“Hi,”Lauriesaid,startingasthesubjectofherreverieappeared,asifshe’dsummonedhim.Shefeltastabofirrationalguilt,havingbeenthinkingaboutJamie,spyingonhim.
“Yououtforthenight?”Jamiesaid.Hedisguiseditwell,butLauriecouldseehewasapprehensive.They’dneverspokenatwork,kneweachotherbysightonly.Hehadnomeasureofherandnogoodwilltoexploit.
Theywerebothlawyers:shecouldworkbackwardthroughhisthoughtprocessinapproachingher.He’dseenher,thereforetherewasafairchanceshe’dseenhimwithEve.BettertobrazenitoutandactlikehewasdoingnothingwrongthanleaveLaurieunattendedwithataletotell.
“Yeah.Taggingalongwithmymate’sfirm.You?”
“Justacoupleafterwork.”
Heh-heh,ohreally.Shetoyedwithasking“whowith?”butwasashadetoodrunktojudgewhetherit’dclangasobvious.
“What’reyouhaving?IncaseIgetservedfirst,”hesaid.
Briberynow,wasit.
“Old-fashioned.”
“That’sit?You’requeuingforonedrink?Whereareyousitting?”
Lauriepointedintothediningarea.
“There’stableservicethroughthere,youknow?”
“Iwantedthechangeofscenery,”Lauriesaid.“Whereareyousitting?”
Yes,shecouldplaymindgamestoo.Knighttoyourrook!
“Same,”Jamiesaid.“Lasttime,thewaitresstooktoolong.Mindyou,thisiscarnage.”
Hmmm.He’dspottedher,panicked,andmadeanexcusetofollowherouthere.
Laurienoticedwhenhespokethathisincisorteethweretiltedslightlyinward,likeanuncommittedvampire.Shesuspectedthiswasthetruesecretofhisincredibleappeal,thedeliberateflawintheNavajorug.Otherwisehewasalittletoowholesomely,straightforwardlygood-looking.Somehow,theteethmadeyouthinkcarnalthoughts.
Theysuspendedconversationtostakeelbowspaceonthebarandcatchthebarman’seye.LauriegotservedfirstandvolunteeredtobuyJamie’s,buthewouldn’tlether.
ShewaslessconvincedthiswaschivalrythanunwillingnessforhertodiscoverhisorderofalagerandaProseccowitharaspberrybobbinginit,whichmadeitclearhewasonadate.Sheheardhimtellthebarmananyway.Hercocktailtooklongenoughtomakethattheyreturnedtotheirseatsatthesametime,havingtradedawkwardlyshoutedstaccatoremarksabouthowitwasheavinginhere.AstheynearedLaurie’sdestinationhestoppedandleanedintospeaktoher,overtheMotowndecibels.
“CouldIaskafavor?”
Lauriegotawaftoflightmalesweatandclassyaftershave.Shefoughttokeepherfacestraightandlooklikeshedidn’tknowwhatwascoming.
“What?”
“Couldyounotmention—this—atwork.WhoI’mwith?”HegesturedatEveattheirtable,whowasstudyingherselfinacompactmirror.Shehadafelinesortofbeauty,hairslickedintoalonghighponytail.Likeasexyassassin.Lauriesquintedandpretendedithaddawnedwhoitwas.
“Oh,whynot?”Lauriesaid,fauxinnocent.
“ItwouldbeverymuchfrowneduponbyStatlerandWaldorf.”
StatlerandWaldorfwasalong-standingnicknameforMistersSalterandRowson.Laurieknewwhyhewasusingmateywe’re-in-this-togethershopfloornicknames.
“Why?”
“Idon’tthinkSalterwantshisniecesocializingwithanyofus.”
Lauriesmiled.Ifshewasn’tmiserable,wantingtofurtherdelayreturningtoSuzanne,andseveraldrinkstothegood,shemightnotwindhimup.Asitwas
“By‘socializing,’youmeanshagging,andby‘anyofus,’youmeanyou?”
“Well.”Jamieshrugged,slightlytakenabackandevidentlyatamomentaryloss.“Whoknowswhatgoesthroughtheoldgoat’smind.You’dhavetoaskhim.”
“OK,”Lauriesaid.
“Thankyou,”Jamieexhaled.
“…I’llaskhim!”
ShewaitedforthepunchlinetolandandenjoyedJamie’saghastexpressionwhenitdid.
“Hahaha!”
“Forfu—”Jamieperformedamixtureofbashfulandstilledgy.Hewasbeingwinsomeandactingvulnerablebecauserightnowshecouldchoosetodohimdamage,ofthatshewassure.
“I’mnotafanoftheofficegossip,”Lauriesaid.“Iwon’tsayanything.Don’tmuckheraround,OK?”
“It’snotlikethat,Ipromise,”Jamiesaid.“It’scareertalk.”
“Uh-huh,”Lauriesaid,castinghereyesbacktowhereEvewastiltingherchin,poutingatherownreflection.
Lauriereturnedwithheavydreadtoherseat,onlytoseewithjoythatEmilywasinit,andeveryoneelsehadclusteredaroundtheothersideofthetabletoscreechatsomethingononeofthegirl’sphones.Blessedrelease.Giventhevolumeofthemusic,atthisdistance,theymightaswellhavegonetoIran
“Iamflyingahumanitarianmission.DidyougetSuzanne-ed?”Emilysaid,asLaurietookSuzanne’sformerpositionnexttoher.
“Yep.”
“She’sacompletefuckingtwat,isn’tshe?”
Laurie’sold-fashionedwentdownthewrongwayasshecoughedindelightedsurpriseandEmilyslappedherheartilyontheback.
WhenLauriehadhervoiceback,shesaid:“SheletmeknowIwasanoldmaidandweirdnunformyuneventfulromantichistory.”
“Whatableakcow.LastIheardshewashoppingonMarcusfromKPMGandhehasacommunitydick,sonoone’stakingheradvice.”
Lauriecoughedonherdrinkagain.“Awhat?”
“Youknow,usedfreelybyeveryone.Openaccess.Acivicresource.”
Lauriemanagedtostoplaughinglongenoughtoadd:“AndsheandCarlyaskedmewhereIwasfrom.”
Emilydidagrit-teethface.
“IsaidYorkshireandtheysaid—”
EmilyputahandonLaurie’sarmandtiltedherhead:“No,Imeantwhereareyoufrom?”
Emilyhadbeenaspectatortothisenoughtimestoknowhowitusuallywent.Intheiryoungeryears,itwasusuallyEmilywhojumpedinwitha“Firstofall,howdareyou…”whileLaurieshushedher.
“Oh,Loz,Iamsorry,”shesaid.“Clientslovethem,soI’mscunnered.Whydobadpeoplehavetobegoodattheirjobs?”
Laurielaughed,andrememberedwhyshesooftensaidyestoEmily.Shethoughttherewasalotoftruthintheclosestfriendshipsbeingunconsummatedromances.Emilywasahigh-flyingexecutive,Tinderadventuress,andqueenofthecasualhookup;Lauriewasseriousandsettledandsteady,yettheirdifferencesonlymadethemendlesslyfascinatedwiththeother.
Theystillhadasenseofhumor,andabullshitdetector,andprioritiesincommon.
EmilyopenedaRizlapaperandputitonthetable,daintyfingerssprinklingoutaslimsausageoftobacco.Emilyhadsmokedroll-upseversincetheymet,whenshehungoutofLaurie’sbedroomwindowinhalls,bottleofSmirnoffMoscowMuleintheotherhand.
“Sheaskedme‘whodidmywork,’”Emilysaid.
“Work?”Lauriesaid.
“Work.”Emilytookherhandsoffthecigaretteinprogressandpulledhercheeksup,whilemakingapursed-lipstroutmouth.
“Whatthe…?Youdon’tlooklikeyou’vehadanythingdone!”
Thiswastrue,althoughEmilyhadalwaysbeenphysicallyextraordinarytoLaurie.Shewastiny,goldenlimbed(whichwasduetoaprofessionalpainting)withthefaceofaBlythedoll,orcartoon:eyesfloatingmilesapart,tinynose,widefullmouth.Itallmisledyou,soyoudidn’texpecthertohavethelanguageofadockerandtheappetitesofapirate.Menfellindoomedpassionsonanear-weeklybasis.
“Mmmhmm.Aboutamonthaftershearrived.Wastemptedtosackherthenandthere.Exceptshe’dhavegonearoundtheotheragenciessayingEmilyClarkesackedmeforpointingouthercosmeticworkandthefactI’dsackedherwouldseemtoproveitandI’mtoofuckingvainforthatsortofmockery.”
“Whatabitch!”
“Right?Shesays,‘Ohno,ImeanIthoughtitwasverytasteful,verydiscreet.’AtfirstIthoughtitwasbadmanners,butI’mcomingtosuspectshe’sastraight-upsociopath.”
“Theywalkamongus.”Laurienodded,twitchingatherphonescreen.Danhadneverreplied.Hewastheonealwaystellinghertogooutmoreandyethewasdoingtheantsywhenyouhomeroutine?Inlong-termcouplecodethatwasadon’tbelateandsmashedhint,withoutwantingtheargumentthatmightensuefromactuallysayingasmuch.
“Youknowthatbetterthananyone,withyourjob.”
“Ahwell,maybeshe’srightandIhavemissedout.HowwouldIknow?That’swhatmissingoutmeans,”Lauriesaid,feelingphilosophicalinthewayyoucouldafterfiveunitsofalcohol.
“Trustme,youhaven’t.I’mtakingarestfromdatingapps,”Emilysaid,tuggingatherhemlinewhereitcutintoherthighs.“ThelastguyImetwasJasonStathaminhisphotos,andIturnupforthedateandit’smorelikeUpstartCrow.”
Laurieroaredatthis.“AreyoustillTildaonthere?Hasanyonefigureditout?Doyoureallynevertellthemyourrealname?”
“Yep.Imakesurethere’snobillsleftoutifwegotomine.Youdon’twantClive—thirty-seven,personaltrainerfromLoughborough,who’sintocreativebum-plugplay—trackingyoudownonLinkedIn.”
“Groooooo.”
“IgnoreSuzanne.Everyonehere”—Emilywavedherarmatthegeneralbar-diningarea—“wantswhatyouhave.Everyone.”
Hah,Lauriethought.Shewasfairlysuresheknewatleastonepersonherewhodidn’twantwhatshehad,butsheappreciatedthesentiment.
“Youdon’t!”Lauriesaid.
Emily’sutilitarianapproachtosexbewilderedLaurie.PerhapsEmilyneededtomeetJamieCarter,andthey’dexplodeoncontact.
“Ido,though.I’mjustrealisticit’sprobablynotoutthere,soImakedointhemeanwhile.It’snotcommon,whatyouhave,youknow.NoteveryLauriefindsherDan,andviceversa,”Emilysaid.“Youtwowerehitbylightning,thatnightinBarCaVa.”
“AndthereIwasthinkingitwasbaked-bean-flavoredtequilashots.”
Assheleft,Laurienoticedthenow-emptytablewhereJamieandEvehadsat.Nodoubthe’dsidledpastwhenshewasdeepinconversationwithEmily,keenforhernottoseethemleavingtogether
Careertalk,arf.Likehe’dchanceasackingfortellingEveabouthisLPCcourseinChester.Likehe’dchanceasackingiftheprizewasanythinglessthantakingherhome.
HemustthinkLauriewasnaiveorstupid.Thetroublewithliars,Lauriehaddecidedfrommuchresearchintheprofessionalfield,istheyalwaysthoughteveryoneelsewaslesssmartthanthem.3
Laurieclamberedoutofthecabintotheheavysmogoflatesummerairandthenice-postcode-quietofthestreet,awarethatwhilehersensesweremuffledbyinebriation,neighborswithfamilieswouldbelyingintheirbedscursingthecacophonythatwassomeoneexitingaHackney.
Thethrobbingengine,singsongconversation,slammingofaheavydoor,theclatteringofyourbig-night-outheelsonthepavement.
Twoweeksback,thesistersnextdoorhadmanagedtohavesuchaninvolvedbackandforthfortenminutesaboutwhosepukeitwas,Lauriehadbeentemptedtomarchoutinherpajamasandpaythesoilingchargeherself.
Ah,middleagebeckoned.Hah,whowasshekidding—DancalledherMrs.Tiggy-Winkle.Shewasthegirlinhallswhokeptarowofbasilplantsaliveinthesharedkitchen.
Loud-whispering“keepthechange,”tothedriver,sheduckedunderthethickcanopyofclematisthathungoverthetiledporch,grabbingblindlyforherkeysinthedepthsofherhandbag,andonceagainthought:Weneedalightouthere
She’dbeeninfatuatedwiththissolidbay-frontedEdwardiansemifromthefirstviewing,andknackeredtheirchancesofdrivingahardbargainbywalkingaroundwiththeestateagent,gibberingonabouthowmuchsheadoredit.Theyboughtatthetopofwhattheycouldaffordatthetime,andinLaurie’sopinionitwaswortheverycent.
Theirfrontroom,shelikedtopointout,wasthespitoftheoneonthesleeveofOasis’sDefinitelyMaybe,rightdowntothestainedglass,pottedpalm,andhalf-drunkredwinesusuallystrewnaround.
Therewasahoney-yellowglowfromundertheblinds,soeitherDanhadleftthelamponforherorhewashavinganotherboutofinsomnia,passedoutonthesofainfrontofBBCNews24withthesoundonlow,feettwitching.
Lauriefeltasmallrushofloveforhim,andhopedhewasup.Asmuchasitwasauthentic,sheknewitwasalsoinsomepartduetospendingatryingeveningsurroundedbystrangers,feelinghomesickandoutofplace.Notbelonging.
AsapersonofcolorwhogrewupinHebdenBridge,shedidn’tcaretorevisitthatfeelingoften.EveninacosmopolitancityshegottheOH,ILOVEYOURACCENT?EEBAHGUMjokes.“Youdon’toftenhearablackgirlsoundthatnorthern,exceptforthatoneoutoftheSpiceGirls,”aforthrightclienthadsaidtoheronce.
ShethoughtDanmighthavewaitedupforher,butthemomentshesawhim,sheknewsomethingwasbadlyoff.Hewasstilldressed,sittingonthesofa,feetapart,headbowed,handsclasped.TheTVscreenwasablankandtherewasn’tanymusicon,nodetritusofatakeaway.
“Hi,”hesaidinanunnaturalvoice,asLaurieenteredtheroom.
Lauriewasanempatheticperson.Whenshewassmallsheoncetoldhermumshethoughtshemightbetelepathic,andheramusedmotherhadexplainedthatshewasjustveryintuitiveaboutemotions.Lauriewas,asherdadsaid,bornagedforty.Betterthanbeingbornagednineteenandstayingthere,sheneversaidinreply.
TheairwasthickwithaTerribleUnsaidandherantennaepickeditupeasilyenoughtofeelcompletelynauseous.
Laurieclutchedthejangleofherkeystoherchest,withtheirsillyfobofafuzzypinkcat,andsaid:“OhGod,what?Whichofourparentsisit?Pleasesayitnow.Sayitquickly.”
“What?”
“Iknowit’sbadnews.Pleasedon’tdoanybuildupwhatsoever.”
Lauriewasaboutsixorsevendrinksintheholeandyetinaninstant,completely,pin-sharpsoberwithadrenaline.
Danlookedperturbed.“Nothinghashappenedtoanyone.”
“Oh?Oh!Fuck,youscaredme.”
Inrelief,Laurieflumpeddownontothesofa,armsflungoutbyhersideslikeakid.
ShelookedatDanasherheartrateslowedtonormal.Hewasregardingherwithastrangeexpression.
Notforthefirsttime,shefeltappreciation,abumpofprideinownership,admiringhowmuchearlymiddleagesuitedhim.He’dbeenakindofjolly-lookingchubbyladintheiryouth,puppyishcutebutnothandsome,ashergranhadhelpfullynoted.Andwithaslightlispthathehatedbut,oddlyenough,alwayshadwomenswooning.Lauriealwayslovedit,rightfromthefirstmomenthehadspokentoher.Nowhehadafewlinesandsilverthreadedinhislightbrownhair,thebonesofhisfacehadsharpened,he’dgrownintohimself.HewaswhatthegirlsatworkcalledaHotDad.Or,hewouldbe.
“Youcouldn’tsleepagain?”sheasked.Hisinsomniawasarecentthing,duetohimbeingmadeheadofdepartment.Threea.m.nightsweatterrors.
“No,”hesaid,andshedidn’tknowifhewassayingno,Icouldn’tsleeporno,that’snotit.
Lauriepeeredathim.“Youallright?”
“Aboutyoucomingoffthepillnextmonth.I’vebeenthinkingaboutit.It’smademethinkaboutalotofthings.”
“Hasit…?”Lauriesuppressedaknowingsmile.Theatmosphereandanxietynowmadesense.Herewego,shethought.Thiswasaclichédmomentinthepassagetoparenthood.Itbelongedinascripteddrama,shortlyafteracouplehadseentwobluelinesontheweestick.
Shouldhetradeinthecarforsomethingbigger?Wouldhebeagoodfather?Wouldtheystillbethesame?
Nah.There’snoroomouttheretoparkapeoplecarrieranyway.
Ofcourse!Hecouldtrytobelesssulky,perhaps,butthatwasaboutit.Kidshadawayofautomaticallycuringexcessself-pity,fromwhatLauriecouldtell.Atleastfortheinitialfiveyears.
Yes.Thesame,butbetter!(Actually,Lauriehadnoideaaboutthelastanswer.Iftheyprocreated,itwouldbethebestpartoftwodecadesbeforethishouseholdbelongedtothetwoofthemagain,andinvitingatyrannicallyneedyintrudertodisturbtheirprivacyandcontentedstatusquowasscary.)
Butthedonethinginacouplewastopretendtobesureabouttheimponderablethings,whenevertheotherpersonneededcomfort.Ifnecessary,deployoutrightlying.Dancouldpayherbackwhensheaskedtearfullyafterreturningfromafailedshoppingtrip,whetherherbodywouldeverlooklikeitdidbefore.
“Idon’tknowhowtosayanyofthis.I’vebeensittingheresinceyouleft,tryingtothinkoftherightwordsandIstillcan’t.”
Thiswashyperbole,becauseLaurielefthimhavingashowerwiththeradiobroadcastingthefootballgame,butshedidn’tsayso.
“Look,”Dansaid.“I’verealized.Idon’twantkids.Atall.Ever.”
Thesilencelengthened.
Lauriesatup,withsomeeffort,givenherfoolishshoes—strappysilverslingbacksshefellforinSelfridges,“lookgoodwithplumtoenails”accordingtothesalesgirl—weren’tanchoringhertothefloorverysteadily.
“Dan,”shesaidgently.“Thisdoubtistotallynormal,youknow.Ifeelthesame.It’sfrightening,whenit’sabouttobecomereal.Butwecandoit.We’vegotthis.Withhavingakid,youholdhands,andjump.”
Shesmiledathim,hopinghe’dsnapoutofitsoon.Itfeltlikearolereversal,himdemandingadeeptalk,herwantingtodoenoughtomakehimfeeltakenseriouslysoshecouldgotobed.Danwasflexinghisfingers,steepledinhislap,notlookingather.
“Andit’smewhohastopushitout,”Laurieadded.“Don’tthinkIhaven’tGoogled‘third-degreetearing.’”
Hewouldn’tbeeasilyjokedoutofthis,sherealized,lookingatthedepthofhisfrownlines.
Shefeltthemrunningatdifferentspeeds,hercarryingthenoiseandtriviaofthenightoutwithherlikeaswarmofbees,himevidentlyhavingspentapensiveperiodstaringattheshadowsinthesomberEdwardHopperprinttheyhungoverthefireplace,worryingaboutthefuture.
“It’snotjusthavingkids.Idon’twantanythingthatyouwant.Idon’twant…this.”
Heglancedaroundtheroomaccusingly.
Strippedfloorboards?
“Whatdoyoumean?”
Danbreathedinandout,asiflimberingupforafeatofexertion.Butnowordsfollowed.
“…Youwanttoputitoffforafewyears?Wetalkedaboutthis.I’mthirty-sixanditcouldtakeawhile.Wedon’twanttobemuckingaboutwithinterventionsandwishingwe’dgotonwithit…youknowwhatClairesays.Ifsheknewhowgreatitwouldbe,she’dhavestartedattwenty.”
Invokingthisparticularmemberoftheirsocialcirclewasastupidmisstep,andLaurieimmediatelyregrettedit.
Clairewasbothamassiveboreaboutheroffspringandageneralpaininthehoop.Ironically,iftheyhadn’tsufferedher,theymight’vereproducedalready.Occasionswithheroftenconcludedwithoneortheotherofthemmuttering:You’dtellmeifIevergotlikethat,right?
“Youknowwhattheysay.There’sneveraperfecttimetohaveababy,”Laurieadded.“Ifyou—”
“Laurie,”Dansaid,interruptingher.“I’mtryingtotellyouthatwedon’twantthesamethingsandsowecan’tbetogether.”
Shegasped.He’dsaysuchanugly,ridiculousthingtogethispointacross?Thenshedidasmallemptylaugh,asitdawnedonher:thiswashowmuchmencouldfearmaturity.Itoughtnottobearevelationtoher,givenherdad,andyetshewasbadlydisappointedinDan.
“Comeon,areyoureallygoingtoturnthisintoafull-blownemergencyandmakemesayhavingafamilyisadealbreaker,orsomething?Soitcanallbemyfaultwhenit’shadusupfivetimesinarow?”
Danlookedather.
“Idon’tknowhowelseIcansaythis.I’mnothappy,Laurie.”
Lauriebreathedinandout.Danwasn’tbluffing:hewantedadirectassurancefromhershe’dnotcomeoffthepill.She’dhavetohopetheyrevisitedtheideainayear.Shewasawarethatitcouldmeantheirwindowofopportunityclosedcompletely.AndshecouldendupresentingDan.There’dbenoplayingtricks,pretendingtotakethepillwhenshewasn’tandwhoops-a-daisy.ThatwashowLauriewasconceivedandsheknewtheconsequenceswerelifelong.
“IsthispurelybecauseIwantkids?”
Shewouldtakeitoffthetabletostaywithhim,sheknewthatinasplitsecond’sconsultationwithherself.Itwasunthinkabletodoanythingelse.Youdidn’tlosesomeoneyoulovedoverhypotheticalloveforsomeonewhodidn’tyetexist.Whomightneverexist.
“That,otherthings.I’mnot…thisisnotwhereIwanttobeanymore.”
“OK,”shesaid,rubbinghertiredface,feelingappalledbyhowextremehe’dbeenpreparedtobe,inordertogethisway.
Shefeltlikeshemightcry,infact.They’dhadfightsbeforewhereveryoccasionallyoneortheotherofthemhadvaguelythreatenedtoleave,usuallywhendrunkandintheirdickheadtwenties,andwhicheverofthemhadsaiditfeltsickwithguiltthenextday.
Pullingthisnow,attheirage,wasbeneathDan,howevermuchhewasbrickingitovertheresponsibilitiesoffatherhood.Itwasreallyunkind.
“…OK,youwin.Regularpilltakingforthetimebeing.Christ,Dan.”
DanlookedatherwithastunnedexpressionandLauriefroze,becauseagain,shecouldreadit.
Hewasn’tstunnedshe’dagreed.Itwasn’tagambit.Hewantedtosplitup.
Shefinallyunderstood.Understoodthathemeantit,thatthiswasit.
Absolutelyeverythingelsewascompletelybeyondhercomprehension.4
Whenpeopledidmonumentallyawfulthingstoyou,itseemedtheydidn’tevenhavethecourtesyofbeingoriginal,ofinflictingsomeuniquewarwound,alightningbolt–shapedscar.Thesereasonswereprosaic,dull.Theyweretrueofpeopleallthetime,buttheyweren’tapplicabletoDanandLaurie.Theyweregoingtobetogetherforever.Theyagreedthatopenlyasdaftlovestruckteenagersandimplicitlyconfirmeditineverychoicethey’dmadesince.Nocommitmentneededcheckingorsecondthinking,itwasjust:ofcourse.YouaremineandIamyours.
“Butnothing’schanged?”Lauriesaid.“We’relikewe’vealwaysbeen.”
“Ithinkthat’spartoftheproblem.”
Laurie’smindwasoccupyingtwotimezonesatonce:thissurrealnightmarewhereherpartnerofeighteenyears—herfirstandonlylove,herbestfriend,her“otherhalf”—wassittinghere,sayingthingsabouthowhe’dsleepinthespareroomforthetimebeingandmoveouttoaflatassoonaspossible.Shehadtoplayalongwithit,becausehewassoconvinced.Itwaslikecolludingwithsomeonewho’dbecomedelusionalaboutadreamworld.Followtherabbit.
Thentherewastheothertimezone,whereshewasdesperatelytryingtomakesenseofthesituation,tomanageitanddefuseit.Hewasonlyusingwords—notangible,irreversiblechangehadoccurred.Thereforewordscouldchangeitbackagain.
She’dalwayshadaspecialpoweroverDan,andviceversa,that’swhytheyfellforeachother.Ifshewantedtopullhimbackfromthisbrink,shemustbeable.Sheonlyneededtotryhardenough,tofindthewaytopersuadehim.
Buttofixit,shehadtograspwhatwasgoingon.Lauriepridedherselfoncoldreadingpeoplelikeshewasastagemagician,andyetthepersonclosesttohersoundedlikeastranger.
“Howlonghaveyoufeltthisway?”sheasked.
“Awhile,”Dansaid,andalthoughhisbodyshowedtension,shecouldalreadytellhehadrelaxedseveralnotches.Announcementmade,theworstwasoverforhim.Shehatedhim,forasecond.“IthinkIknewforsureatTomandPri’swedding.”
“Oh,thatwaswhyyouspentthewholenightinastrop,wasit?”Lauriespat.Andrealizedthelunacyofthatsortofpointscoring,whenthewholegamehadbeencanceled.Hewouldn’tgothroughwiththis.Surely.
Herstomachlurched.Itwasutterlyridiculoustotakehimseriously,andwildlyrecklessnotto.
Danmadeahissingnoise,shookhishead.WhetherhewasdismayedatLaurieorhimselfwasn’tclear.
“Iknewnoneofthatweddingfusswasforme.Iknewthat’snotwhereIwasatmentally.”
ApainfulmemorycamebacktoLaurie,becauseitturnedouthersenseshadn’tentirelyfailedher.
SherecalledthatthecouplespresenthadbeencorralledbytheDJforthefirst-dance-after-the-first-dance.Sheandahalf-drunk,sullenDanwereforcedintoawaltzholdtoAdele.She’dfeltasuddentotalabsenceofanythingbetweenthem,notevenacomfortableeasewitheachother’stouch,inplaceofaspark.Itwasliketheirbatterywasdeadandifyoupressedtheacceleratorit’donlymakeanemptyphut-phut-phut.Theyshuffledaroundthefloorawkwardly,likebrotherandsister,notmeetingeachother’sgaze.Thenassoonasthesongwasoversheforgotaboutit,andputitdowntoDannotliking“SomeoneLikeYou”orbeingtoldtodothings.
He’dmadeapassive-aggressiveshowofgoingtosleepinthecabonthewayback.Lauriefeltshe’dcommittedanunspecifiedcrimeallday,butwhenasked“What’supwithyou?”she’dgottenabelligerent“…NOTHING?”
Butcrapdaysinalong-termrelationshipwereagiven.Younomorethoughttheymightspelltheendthanyoufearedeverycoldcouldbecancer.
“Istheresomeoneelse?”Lauriesaid,notbecauseshethoughtitpossiblebutyouweresupposedtoaskthis,weren’tyou?Inthisweirdtheatertheywereplayingout,atDan’sinsistence.Theyworkedtogether—onapracticallevelalone,thisseemedimprobable.
“No,ofcoursenot,”Dansaid,soundinggenuinelyaffronted.
“Idon’tthinkyougettoOFCOURSENOTme,doyou?”Laurieshrieked,angerbreaking,causingDantoflinch.“IthinkOFCOURSENOTisprettymuchfuckingunavailabletoyourightnow,don’tyou?We’vestoppedhavinganysharedrealityfromwhatIcansee,sofuckoffwithyourpatronizingOFCOURSENOTs.”
Danwascompletelyunusedtoseeingherthisincandescentlyangry.Infact,thelasttimeshehittheseheights,theyweretwenty-fiveandhe’dlosthercarkeysinthehealingfieldatGlastonbury.They’dbeenabletolaughaboutitlater,though,alchemizeitasananecdote.Comedywastragedyplustime,butthere’dneverbeenoughdistancetomakethisamusing.
“Sorry,”hesaidquietly.“But,no.Likewealwayssaid.Nocheating,ever.”
“Ever?”shesaidwithaknowingintonation.
“Youknowwhatweagreed.I’dtellyou.”
Lauriefumed,herchesttight,andtriedtobreathethroughit.ThetactlessnessandthetastelessnessofDanusingthingsthey’dsincerelypledgedtoeachotheralifetimeago.Hewascurrentlytrashingthatmemory,andeveryothermemoryforthatmatter,whileaskingLaurietotreatitassacredcovenant.Whatanarsehole.
Washeanarsehole?Hadheturnedintoone,somewherealongtheline,andshehadn’tnoticed?Shestudiedhim,ashestaredmoroselyathishairykneesinhisshorts,facelikeabalefulMoomin.
Itdidn’tmatter.Shelovedhim.They’dlongagopassedthepointwhereherlovewasnegotiable;itwasn’tcontingentonhimnotbeinganarsehole.Hewasherarsehole.
Lauriehadpassedthatpoint,anyway.Danhadreachedaparallelonewherehecouldabandonher.That’swhatitfeltlike:desolateabandonment.Hewouldn’tcareaboutLaurie,fromnowon?No,no,hedidwanther.Sheknewinhergutsthathedid,whichiswhythishadtobestoppedbeforehedidanymoredamage.
“Butwe’vegottostayatthesamecompanytogether?How’sthatgoingtofuckingwork?”
DanandLauriemanagedafewdegreesofseparationatSalter&Rowsonbybeingindifferentdepartments,butoncetheywereexesthatwouldhardlybeenough
“Icanstartlookingforotherpositions.Imightjackitallin.I’mnotsureyet.”
“Honestly,Dan,itstillsoundslikeyou’refreakedoutbyhavingababyandhavedecidedtogofullnukefromorbittofixit,”Lauriesaid,inafinalstabatreturningthemtoanysortofnormality.“Youdon’twanttogotraveling,forfuck’ssake.Theywouldn’tletyoustayheadofthedepartmenteither.AndyouhatedaweekinSantorinilastyear.”
AsLauriesaidit,shewonderedifthemissingelementinthatanalysiswasthathehateditwithher.
“Havingchildrenisonlyonepartofit.Thereasonit’smademedosomethingabouthowIfeelisbecauseyoucan’tgobackonthatdecision,youcan’tun-haveababy.Itmademedecide.Idon’twantthislife,Laurie,I’msorry.Iknowit’sashockafterallthistime.Itshocksmetoo.That’swhyittookmesolongtofaceuptoit.ButIdon’t.Wantit.”
“Youdon’twantme?”
Aheavypause,whereLauriefeltDansteelhimselftosayit.
“Notlikethis.”
“Thenhow?”
Danshruggedandblinkedthroughtears.
“Thewordyou’relookingforisno,”Lauriesaid.
Tearsflash-floodeddownherfacenowandhemadetogetupandshefranticallygestureddon’tcomenearme.
“Erm…justyouknow,oneminorobjectiononmypart,”shesaid,voicethickanddistortedbycrying.Itwasambitioustotrytoputonasarcastictone.“HowamIgoingtohavekidswithanyonenow,Dan?I’mthirty-six.”
“Youstillcan!”hesaidimploringly,nodding.“That’snotold,thesedays.”
“Withwho?When?AmIgoingtomeetsomeonenextweek?Getthingsmovingonconceivingafewmonthsafterthat?”
“C’mon.You’reyou.You’reamassivecatch,alwayshavebeen.Youwon’tbeshortofoffers.You’llbeinundated.”
Lauriefinallyacceptedinthatmomentthatthiswasreal,theyreallymightbeover.
Danhadalwayshadthehealthy,normalamountofmalejealousy.Ifanything,morethanaverage:he’dalwaysbeensureifoneofthemwouldbestolenawaybyarival,itwouldbeLaurie.Malefriendswhocomplimentedherinhispresencealwaysgotaheynow…fromDanthatwasentirelyjokingbutalsonot.Malehiresatherfirmalwaysgotanearlywarningthatshemightnothaveaweddingringbutshewasn’tsingleandalsotheguywashereonpremises,sowatchyourself,andsheassumedthiswasbyDanorbriefedbyhisrepresentatives.(She’dneverhadtotellanyoneshewas“spokenfor,”anyway,theyalwaysmentionedOh,you’reDanPrice’sgirlfriend.Funnyphrase,that.Whywassomeonespeakingforyou?)
Iftheideaofherhavingkidswithsomeoneelsegotthisshrugofaresponse,thismediocreauto-response,somethinghadflown.
“Suchamassivecatch,you’llpassmeup?”
“We’vebeentogetherallourlives,Laurie,you’remyonlyseriousgirlfriend.It’snotlikeI’mwalkingawaylightly,orthatInevercared.”
Lauriewasonthebackfoot.He’dplannedforthis.Hewasapoliticianwhohadnotes;she’dbeenambushed.
Shestillcouldn’tbelievehewasn’texaggeratingsomehow,buttherewasadreadfulbinary:ifhecouldsayallthisandnotmeanitutterlysincerely,thatwouldmakeitevenworse.
Therewasahuge,bewilderinggapinallofthisforLaurie.AnuntoldmysteryinhowDanhadgonefromunpackingthegrocerydeliveryandcomplainingaboutthegenericcookiestheygotassubstitutionsforJaffaCakes,goingformustypintsofstoutintheirlocalpub,andlaughingatdogswithoverbitesinBeechRoadParkonaSundaymorningtothisfinal,totaldeparture,withnothinginbetween.
Itwasasifoneminuteshe’dbeenrunningforabus,andthenextshe’dwokenupinahospitalbed,thequiltflatwhereherlegsusedtobe,withadoctorexplainingtheywereeversosorrybuttherewasnosavingthem.
“Goodtoknowyouusedtocare,”shesaid,hearinghowplaintiveandbitterhervoicesoundedinthesittingroom.“Smallmercies?Oristhatmeanttobeabigmercy?”
“Idocare.”
“Justnotenoughtostay.”
Danstaredblankly.
“Sayit,”Lauriesaidwithforce.
“No.”
Itwasthelogicalconclusionofeverythinghe’dsaid;andyetthathardmonosyllablesurprisedhersomuch,hemightaswellhaveslappedher.5
Atthreeinthemorning,havingbeenwideawakeforhours,Lauriegotup,marchedintothespareroom,andstampedonthebuttontoturnthebigfloorlampon.
“Dan?Wakeup.”
Thehuman-sizesausageshapeundertheduvetstirredandDan’sheademerged,hairaskew.
Atfirsthefrownedinsleepyconfusion.WhenhefocusedonLaurie’sface,andvisiblyrememberedthespecificsofhisexistence,hisexpressionchangedtoamanwokenbyanFBIflashlightwhoknewexactlywhathehadhiddeninhiscrawlspace.
“Ineedtoknowwhy.”
“What?”
“Ineedtoknowwhythisishappening.Iknowyouthinkyou’vegivenmereasonsbutyouhaven’t.Onlyvaguebullshitaboutuswantingdifferentthings.We’vewantedallkindsofdifferentthingsinthepast,butweneverhadtosplitupoverit.Wewould’vetalkedaboutit.Iofferedtoholdoffonkids,evenputitaside,samewithgettingmarried.Soit’snotthatwewantdifferentthings.That’slikealineyouheardinColdFeetorsomething.”Lauriepaused.“Justtellmethewholetruth,howeverharditis.Thisnotknowingisworse,Dan.Lookatwhatyou’redoingtous,afterourwholelivestogether.Youowemethat.”
Danstaredatherandpushedhimselfuponhiselbows.AsilencestretchedbetweenthemandLauriesensedhewasreadyinghimselfforhonesty.Thisreturnambushhadworked,he’dnothadtimetorehearse.
Danclearedhisthroat.Lauriewasbreakingoutinaflopsweatbutshestilldidn’tregretasking.
“…Istartedwakingupearly.Whileyouwerestillasleep…”hesaid.“…AndI’dseelifeasatunnel.Icouldmarkoffeverythingalongtheway.TheweddingatManchestertownhall.ThehoneymooninItaly.Kidone,kidtwo.Sundaybarbecues,DIY,savingupforanextension.Stillhatingwork,buthavingtogoforpartnershipbecausethereweremouthstofeed.”Hisvoicewashoarsewithsleepandsoundedstrange.“Anditwasliketherewasnothingbetweenhereanddeaththatleftthescript.Itwasplannedoutforme,everystep.Iwasexpectedtodoit.AndIkeptaskingmyself,likeanaggingvoice,awhisperthatgotlouderandlouder:DidIwanttodoit?”
Lauriecouldinterjectherethatclearly,hewasn’texpectedtodoseveralthingsonthatlist.Sheheldherselfback.
“…Ifelttrapped.I’dbuiltthisboxIdidn’twanttoliveinsideanymore,butIwasn’tallowedtoleaveit.Ididn’twanttoleaveit,asIknewhowmuchI’dhurtyou.Istartedbeingawankertoyouallthetime,becauseIwasmiserable,butIdidn’twanttosayso.”
Hedrewbreath.“That’sthething.IkeptthinkingIhadtostaytobekindtoyoubutIwasn’tbeingkind,sowhatwasthepoint?”
“You’vealwaysbeenquitegrumpy,tobefair,”Lauriesaidwithasmallsmile.
Dandidn’tappeartolisten.
“Youknowhowpeoplealwaysaskedhowcouldwedoit,howcouldwe‘settledown’soyoung?”
“Yes,”saidLaurie,voicetight.
“Webothsaiditwastheeasiestthingwe’deverdone,wenevereventhoughtofitthatway.AndIalwaysmeantit,Laurie,always.Butmaybenow,atthirty-six,it’scaughtupwithme.Idon’tfeelI’velivedenough.”
Laurietookadeepbreathandtriedtogetpasthowmuchthishurt.She’dstifledhim,stoppedhimfromgoingonexpeditions,withhisfascinatingpenisastravelcompanion.However,shehadaskedforstraightanswers.
“IfI’dnevermetyou—ifyou’dsleptaroundatuniversity,andwe’dgottogetherattwenty-five,orthirty,thiswouldn’tbehappening?”Lauriedeliberatelydidn’tsaythisinanaccusatoryway;shewantedtoknow.
“Idon’tknow.Ican’tgobackandliveadifferenttimelineuntilIgethereagain,anddoyouknowwhat,Ipromiseyou,Iwouldn’twantto.Andit’snotaboutsex.It’sabout…OhGod,Idon’twanttosay‘findingmyself.’Butlife’sbigdecisionsaremainlyinstinct,right?Thesamewaywebothjustknew,backatuniversity.NowIknowthisisn’trightformeanymore.I’velostmyself.”
“Isitme,I’mnotenough?Ortoomuch?You’relookingatotherwomenor…ourfriendsortheirwives,orourcolleagues,thinking,‘IwishLauriewasmorelikethat’?”Herthroatwastightandshefeltasifshewasstandinghere,starknaked.Toaskthesequestions:itwasthehardest,mostexposingthing.Tellmehowyoufelloutoflovewithme.Describeit.
“No!Godno.It’snotaboutyou.Iknowthatsoundsinsulting,butitisn’t.”
Apause.
“OK.Thanksforbeinghonest,”Lauriesaiddully.
Shemeantit.Shedidn’thatethissituationanyless,butshegraspeditalittlebetter.Danbeingthisopenwithherremindedherhowtheyusedtobeabletotalk,andthepainhitherstomachagainwithaphysicalforce.Shewouldneverbeabletoforgethoweasilyyoucouldlosesomeone’slove.Shehadn’tfeltitslippingaway.
“Won’tyoumissme?”shesaid.
Thiswasit,thebiggestquestion.Theonethatleftherfeelingridiculous,pitiable,even,butsheknewshehadto.TheideaDanwouldnolongerbeonthe“peopletocontactinanemergency”spaceonherpassportfeltimpossible.Sheneededhimtoexplainhowhecoulddothisandnotfeelhowshe’dfeel,ifshedidthis.
“Thethoughtofitisbrutal,Laurie.Likemissingalimb,”Dansaid,tearsstarting.“Iloveyou.Idon’tloveourrelationshipanymore.”
“Wecouldstaytogetherandmaketherelationshipdifferent,”Lauriesaid,eyeswellingup.
Theybothsobbed,headsbowed,becauseDandidn’twanttosayitandshedidn’twanttohearit.Thesoundofitwasstrange,inthequietroom.
“Whywouldyouleavemelikethis?Whywouldyoudothistous?”Lauriesaid,andshesoundedlikesomeoneelse.Whowasthismournful,beggingwoman?Andwhowasthismercilesspersonwho’dtakenDan’splace?Howcouldeighteenyearsendinjustafewhours?
“I’msorry…I’mreallysorry…”Dangasped.
“Ifyouwerethatsorry,youwouldn’tdoit,”Lauriesaidthickly,notevencaringhowshesounded,almostpleading.Thiswaslikeacatapultbacktothepowerlessnessofchildhood,wonderingwhygrown-upsdidthecompletelyarse-about-facecruelthingstheydid.
“Ican’tnotdoit.”Helookedlikehewasgoingtosaysomethingelseandthenthoughtbetterofit.LikewhentheytoldaclienttogoNoComment.Themoreyousay,themoreyou’llincriminateyourself.
Lauriesuspectedwhathewouldn’tsaywas:Therecameapointwherefeelingsweren’ttheretoberesuscitated,theyhaddied.Thatdanceatthatwedding.That’swhatshe’dpickedupon.Flatlining.
“AndIwantyoutobehappy.Youdeservemorethansomeonewho…”
“OK.Sparemethatstuff,Dan,”Lauriesaidbriskly,wipinghereyes,squeezingheralreadyfoldedarmstighter.“You’reliketheclimberwhocan’tcarrytheirinjuredmate,soleavesthemtodie.Dowhatyouneedtodobutdon’tpretendit’saboutanythingotherthanyoursurvival.”
“Hah.”Danrubbedhisfacetiredly.“You’resobloodyclever,youare.”
Shewasn’tsure,inthetoneofhisvoice,thatitwasacompliment.Itevensoundedlikeahintatsomeotherpartofthis.Lauriewastootiredandrawtojudge.
“Idon’tknowwhoorwhatI’mmeanttotrustin,”Lauriesaid,tremulous.“Wespendourwholelivestogetherandonedayit’s—nah,notforme?WhatdoIdowiththat?What’sthelessonIhavetolearnhere?”
“Thereisn’talessonforyou;youhaven’tdoneanythingwrong.”
Shecouldfeelitnow,thegriefandenormityofwhathadbeenabruptlytakenfromher.Afuture.Therestoftheirlives.Apromise,broken.“ThenhowamIgoingtoeverbelievethiswon’thappenagain?”
“Idon’tknowwhattosay.It’stakenme…solongtoworkupthecouragebecause…”
“Whoa,you’renowsayingyouweren’thappyforsolong?”
“No!Ornotinaseriousway.Justanunderlyingdoubt.Fuck,Laurie.Workingouthowtodothiswithouthurtingyouevenmore…it’sawful.It’smymessandconfusion,buttherewasnowayofitnotendingupalloveryou.”
Hewassittingupinbed,headhangdog,barechested,andLauriecouldn’thelpbutwonderwhothenextpersontoseehimlikethiswouldbe,whohewasgoingtofindthathewantedmorewith.Whodidn’tmakelifefeellikeatunnel.
“OK.There’snothinglefttosay.It’shappeningbecauseit’shappening.Thanksforeverything,Iguess?”
“Laurie…”
“Imeanit.Thankyou.Thefactyou’regoingdoesn’tmeaneverythingbeforeitdidn’tmatter.Notwantingtobewithsomeoneanymore,andadmittingit,isn’tdoinganythingwrong.”
Danlookedtakenaback,andLauriehadsurprisedherselfwiththisChristianforgivenessthatshehadn’tknownshewasgoingtodispenseuntilthismoment.Itfeltunexpectedlypowerful.Wasitaploy?Shewasn’tsure.Shedidn’tfeelthesameway,onemomenttothenext.Maybe,onceagain,itwastheadvocateinher.Shehadonlythisleft,tomakehimchangehismind.Rememberthewomanyoufellinlovewith.Well,thegirl.
Lauriehesitated,becauseshedidn’twanttoissueultimatumsorbluffs,theywerepointless.Butshestillhadtosayit.
“Onething,though,Dan.Ifyouthinkyoucandothis,andspendthreemonthsoflivinginsomefancyflatbeinglonely,withyour‘mancave’sofaandyoursportspackage,andthencomebacktomesayingitwassomemassivemidlifecrisis…youknowyoucan’t,right?Thisdamageyou’redoing,it’spermanent.Ifyougo,that’sit.”
Dannodded.“Yes.Iwouldn’tpresumetothinkIcouldeveraskthatofyou.”
Laurielefttheroom,knowingthatshe’dlied,andheprobablydidtoo.6
Dad
Helloprincess.How’smybeautifulcleverdaughter?Wellguesswhat,me&Nictiedtheknot!!!Justbecauseoftaxreasons,visas,allthatjazz.DiditouthereinBeefawithacoupleofwitnessesbutwe’regoingtohaveapropertear-upinManchesterinamonthorso.I’llgiveyouthedetailswhenIhavethem.Goingtospendafewquidonit,needsomewherefancy,nofleapits.Getyourselfanicedressandsendmethebill,you’reoneofthebridesmaids,asitwere.Loveyouloads,mydarling.Austinxxx
LaurieblinkedattheWhatsAppthroughthefugofrecedingsleeponSundaymorning:youcoulddissectthisinalabasaperfectstudyofherrelationshipwithherfather.Allofhimwasinthere,likeanucleuscontainingtheDNAinformation.
Lavishpraise,blandishments.
Surprisenews,thesortthatmakesitclearhislifeis,infact,nothingmuchtodowithher.
Materialspoiling,bribes.
Moreprotestationsofhowimportantsheistohim.Abridesmaid“asitwere.”(Iwantyoutofeelyou’reimportantwithoutgoingtothetroubleofactuallytreatingyouthatway.)
Not,despitetheperformativepaternalism,referringtohimselfas“Dad.”Ontherareoccasionsshe’dseenhimwhenshewaslittle,she’dlovedthenoveltyofhavingsomeonetocalldad,buthealwaysusedtocorrecther:“You’remakingmesoundold.”Shewasbaffled:thirtywasold,andhewasherdad?
Andnotforgetting6.Theworstpossibletiming,asalways.
Laurie
Hi,congratulationstoyouandNic!Willcometothecelebration,justletmeknow.Ihavelessfunnews,DanandIhaveseparated.I’mkeepingthehouseonandhe’smovingout.Hisdecision,nothirdpartiesinvolved.Ahwell.MaybeI’llmeetsomeoneatyourtear-up.?xx
Twoblueticks,immediately.Sohe’dreadit.Noreply.MoreClassicAustinWatkinson.
Andtorounditalloff—andthispartshecouldn’tblameherdadfor,althoughitfeltasifsheshouldbeableto—he’dnowunwittinglymadeherphonecalltohermum,tobreakthenewsaboutherandDan,evenmoreonerous.Herparentsdidn’tspeak,soitwasdowntoLaurieifMumwasgoingtobeinformed,andsheshouldbe,really.Laurieknewifsheputitoff,she’dendupavoidingitaltogether;shewouldn’tkeepsecretsforherdad.Still,hermumwouldn’tthankherforit,andit’dfeellikeitwasLaurie’sfault.
LaurieandDanhadspentalldaySaturdayslowlyandpainfullygoingthroughitallagain,andnowDanwasoutonarunandLauriewasactuallyrelievednottohavetofacehimforafewhours,endlesslywonderingifshecouldhavesaidordonesomethingdifferenttochangethisoutcome.
Havingtoldoneperson,ithadstartedtobecomereal.Shecouldcallhermumandpracticedoingitvocally—andnow,inaDan-lesshouse,wasbetterthanlater.Shesatonthethirdstepofthestairs,heavingtheplasticrotary-dialredandbluephoneontoherlap.Whensheboughtitayearagofromawebsitethatdid“vintagethingswithamoderntwist,”Danhadsaid,“Morebourgeoisknickknacks.Beholdourthirty-somethingpileofaffluentmiddle-classtat!”
Didhehateallthisstuff?Inthishomethey’dmade?Couldshenotevenlookatasoddingretrohipsterlandlineinthesameway?Hisbelongingswerepiledintotragicbinbagsinthediningroom.She’dheardhim,beforeshegotup,quietlycallingalocalrestauranttocanceltheirreservation.Thisafternoon,theyhadbeenmeanttobeeatingSundaylunchatapretentiousnewplacenearbyfullofsquirrel-cagelightbulbsand“Nordicinspiredsmallplates.”
“Lookatthis,”Danhadsaidbarelyaweekago,inanotherspace-timedimension,wavinghisphonewiththewebsiteopen:“Thisplaceisn’tarestaurant,it’sadiningspaceprioritizingathoughtfuleatingmenuwithanemphasisonprovenanceandacuratedrepertoireoflowinterventionwines.Fuckssaaake.”
“Youwantedtotryit!”Lauriehadsaid,andDaneye-rolled,shrugged.BackwhenDan’s“rejectionofthingshe’dneverthelesswillinglychosen”wasconfinedtowheretheyhadmealsout.
Inthecoldlightofmorning,Lauriecouldn’tbelievehewaskeepingonwiththischarade,thathewasn’tgoingtobestandinginsomeunloved,unfurnishedtwobedthatsmelledofplug-inairfreshenerswithagreasyestateagentandthink:“WhatthehellamIdoing?”
Notthatloveorhappinesswasstuff,butLauriehadmadethemagreathomeanditstillwasn’tenough.Or,shewasn’t.Shefeltsofoolish:thewholetimehe’dbeengrowingcolder,quietlyhorrified,hemmedinandalienatedbyit.Itwassuchashallowthing,butLauriefeltsodamnuncoolforbeingsatisfiedbyalifethatDanwasn’t.
Shelistenedtotheringingontheotherend,replacedthereceiver,andtriedagain.Hermumwouldbeinthegardenandthoughtthefirstphonecallwasmerelytoalertyoutothefactsomeonewastryingtocallyou.Sherarelyanswereduntilthey’dmadeasecondoreventhirdattempt.ItwasaquirkthatusedtodriveLauriemadinherteenageyears;theyhadflamingrowsaboutLauriealwayshavingtoanswer.
Hermumwas“outofthenormal,”asaplumberoncesaid,surveyingthekitschartcollageofElvisontheirpinkbathroomwallinthe1990s.
Hermotherhadverystrict,controlling,andconventionalparentsherself,andwasdeterminedtodothingsdifferently.Laurieadmiredthis,whilesometimesfeelingshe’dovercorrectedtotheotherextreme.
Ifyou’dwantedamotherwhowaschillwithyoubeingoutuntilallhoursandyourfriendsaccidentallydroppingtheF-word,Mrs.PeggyWatkinsonofCannockRoadwastheone.Plus,shelookedanddressedlikeSupremes-eraDianaRoss.BothConventionalandUnconventionalDadsoftheneighborhoodwerefans.Andshewasn’tMrs.Watkinsoneither,becauseshe’dneverbeenwedtoLaurie’sdad.Lauriechoseitashersurnamebecauseatthetime,hermumwasusingherstagemoniker,PeggySunshine.AndLauriewasnowaygoingtohaveawackysurnameontopofbeingtheonlyblackgirlinheryear.
WhenLaurie’smumwasaddressedasMrs.Watkinsonbyateenager,shesmiledanddidhercharacteristichandwave.“Inapastlife,maybe.”Andmentionedtherewaswineopeninthekitchen.
Yourmumisthebest,herfriendssaid,astheytrudgedupthestairs,glassesinhand,promisesextracted—byLaurie—nottotelltheirmums.
ThereweretimeswhenLauriecravedmumslikeeveryoneelsehad,whoreplacedlostPEkits,madechickennuggetswithbeansandchipsforteainsteadofeggplantandpineapplecurry,anddidn’thaveEgyptianbirthingstoolsondisplayinreceptionrooms.
Shetriedringinghermumagain,butwasunsuccessful.She’dgiveitalasttryandthengiveup.
Wheneveranythingawfulhappened,nooneeverconsideredthedifficultyoftheadmin,Lauriethought.Someonehadtobroadcastit,managethefallout.Howcomethereweresomanyservicesinmodernsocietyandnotthisone?“RelationshipOver?LetUsRound-Robin!”
“Workingouthowtotelleveryone”wasapartofherandDan’sseparationthatwasgoingtobealmostasgruelingaprospectasbeingleftinthefirstplace.Itfeltsounnecessarilycruelthatyoudidn’tjusthavetogothroughthething,youhadtohaveadozenconversationswithpeopleofvaryingclosenessaboutthefactyouweregoingthroughthething.
Dandidthis,Danshoulddealwithallofit.Buthecouldn’t,evenifshewantedhimto.
Somehipfriends,afewyearsback,hadpostedupawittyarchivephotoonsocialmediaofthemselvesandmadeanofficialannouncementtoeveryonetheyweredivorcing.
Laurieconsideredit,lyinginbedlastnight,butitonlyreallyworkedasa“rippingthebandageoffinonego”techniqueifyousaiditwasfine,youwerebothOK,nohardfeelings,nobombshellstorytouncoverhere,movealong.Essentially,hinteditwasajointdecision.Thoseeuphemismsthatpublicistsdeployedwhenfamouspeopleparted:“leadingdifferentlives,”“grownapart,”andLaurie’sfavorite,“conflictingschedules.”
Danoncesaidthat“mutual”onlyevermeant“onepersonhasgivenup,andtheotherpersonconcedestheycan’tpersuadethemnotto,”andnowthatfeltastute.Turnsout,hewasplotforeshadowingtheirownend.Wheredidhego,thatDan?
Thephonefinallyconnected,thirdtimelucky,haha.
“Hi,Mum…Yeah,Ithoughtyou’dbeinthegarden.OKtotalk?I’vegotsomebitsofnews…No,notthat.”Itreallydidputthetinhatonthisthateveryonewouldthinkshewasabouttoannouncethebaby.Shetookabreathtogirdherloins.
“DanandIhavesplitup.It’shisdecision.”
Shecouldn’tbeartosay“leftme,”withallitssenseofpassivevictimhood,butshehadtomakeitclearshewasn’tgoingtohaveanswers.SherecountedDan’sreasonsforgoing.
“Ohdear,mydarling.Sorrytohearthis.”HermumhadkeptthestrongCaribbeaninflectionfromtheislandofherownchildhood.“Iknowyouwillbeveryhurt,butsometimespathsdiverge.Heobviouslyhastodothisnextpartofhisjourneyonhisown.Whichisverypainfulforyou,butitmustbewhathisheartistellinghim.”
Lauriegrittedherteeth.Maddeningcalmwasoneofhermother’sattributesthatcouldalsofeellikeaweapon.
Sheknewhermum,wholivedoutsidesociety’sconventionsinUpperCalderValleywithafabulouskitchengardenandincenseburners,wasn’tgoingtodothe“whatabastard”response,andinmanyways,Laurielikedthathermumwasanindependentthinker.
Butrightnowshedidn’twantthisstuffabouthownothingwasgoodorbad,itwasjustadifferentchoice.Hippieishnesscouldfeelheartless.Shewantedherdistresstoberecognized
LaurierememberedhermumsayingofhercousinRay,whowasinaseriousmotorbikesmash,“Thatwhichdoesn’tkillyoumakesyoustronger,”andLaurieaskinghowsomeoneheldtogetherwithmetalpinsandsubsequentlylivinginanadaptedbungalowwasstronger.“Mentallystronger,”cametheanswer.Tenuous,atbest.ItwasuncomfortablyclosetotellingRaytoseetheupside.Herewasherversionofthat.Lauriewasoftenstruckbyhowthearcofhistorywaslong,butbenttowardnothingreallychanging.
“Danwillbeonhisownonhis‘journey’forawhile,andthenhe’llbewithsomeoneelse.Ithinkthat’showthisworks?He’snotgoingtobecomeanomadicshamanmonk,Mum.He’sonagoodsalaryataprovinciallawfirm.”
UnlessyouboughtDan’sblatheraboutjackingitallin,whichLauriedidn’t.MaybeherscathingcynicismwasaddingfueltoDan’stheorytheywerenolongeraligned,butstill,fileitunderBelieveItWhenISeeIt.She’dheardhimkvetchingaboutthestateofRyanair’sdelaysenoughtimes,shecouldn’tseehimfloatingintranquilitydowntheMekongDelta.
“Well.Soareyou.”That’sallrightthen.Jeez.
Peggysortoftuttedina“there,there”way,andLauriesuckedairintoherpainfulribcage.She’dnoteatenmorethanafewpiecesoftoastwithpeanutbutterfordays.Shedidn’texpecthermumtobeupsetonherownbehalf,andshehadfearedhermumwouldinsistthiswasanopportunityindisguise.NotleastbecausePeggythoughtLauriehadsettleddowntooyoung,andherfeelingstowardDanhadalwaysbeenpoliteratherthanenthusiastic.LauriegotthefeelingthatDanhadpresentedtoherasastereotypicalNiceYoungMan,buthermumhadfoundhimalittledull.Peggylikedcharacters,eccentrics,andoddballs.Speakingofwhich…herdad’snews.
“IsthereanythingIcando?”hermumsaid,afterlisteningtothepracticalarrangementsofthedissolutionofDanandLaurieInc.
“No.Thanksthough,”Lauriesaid,refusingtobiteatsuchalacklusteroffer.“Oh,also.”Deepbreath.“Dad’sgotmarriedtoNicola.InIbiza,butthey’regoingtohaveadobackhereinManchestertoo.”
Hermumwassilentforasecond.“Nicola?Isthattheonefrombefore?”
“TheScouser,yeah.”
LauriehadonlymetNicolaafewtimesbeforebutshelikedher:agarrulous,handsomewomanwithherownjewelrybusiness,whoworealotofanimalprintandlikedapartyasmuchasherdad,whichwassayingsomething.
“Healwayssaidmarriagewasarotteninstitution,aplacepeoplewenttodie!”
“Yeah.Wellthisishisjourney,Iguess.Whathisheartistellinghim.”
Lauriewasbeingsarcastic,butitevidentlydidn’tregister.Shecouldhearhermumfidgetingontheotherendofthephone,andpicturedthefrownthatusuallyaccompaniedmentionsofherfather.
“Ishouldn’tbesurprisedatyourfatherbeingashitbynow,andyetsomehowIalwaysam.”
“Hesaystheydiditfortaxbreaks.”
“Evertheromantic,”shesniffed.
Ofcourse,hadLauriesaidhe’ddoneitforlove,hermumwould’vescornedthattoo.
“Pleasewarnmewhenhe’shavinghisreceptionbecauseIdonotwantanychanceofrunningintohimandthiswoman.WandaandIweregoingtocomeoverforanexhibitionattheWhitworth.”
“Mum,Idon’tmeantosoundmean-spirited…”Laurieknewshewasabouttostartafight,evenwhilesheintellectually,rationallywantedafightwithhermumlikeshewantedaholeinthehead.Yetemotionally,itwassomehowaninevitability.“Itellyoumyboyfriendofeighteenyearsdumpedmeanditwas,Ohwell,DanmusthavehisreasonstofollowhislodestarandI’vetoldyouDad’sgotmarried,andheleftyouthirty-sevenyearsago,andyou’renowpissedoffandangry.Whycan’tIbepissedoffandangryatDan?”
“Youcan!WhendidIsayyoucouldn’tbe?”
“Thewhole‘hemustbedoingthenextpartonhisownandlisteningtohisheart’stuffwasn’texactlysayingIhadarighttobeupset.”
“Ofcourseyoudo,buthe’snotcheatingonyou,he’snotliedtoyou.Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Laurie?Doyouwantmetocriticizehim?”
“No!”Shedidn’t.Infuriatingly,shestillfeltdefensiveofhim.“It’djustbeniceif…”Shetrailedoff,aswhatcamenextwasharsh.
“What?”
“…AsifyousoundedlikeyoucaredaboutmybreakupanythinglikeasmuchasyoucareaboutDad’srubbish.”
“That’sadreadfulthingtosay.IcaremuchmoreaboutyouthanIdoabouthim!”
Hmmm,yeah,notwhatLauriewassaying,buthowdidLauriethinkitwouldgo,pointingouthermum’shypocrisyinthestingofherdad’snews?
Hermotherandfatherwereoppositepoles,Laurierealized:herdadsaidtherightthingsanddidn’tmeanthem,andhermummightfeelthem,butsheneversaidso.
Theyfinishedthecallwithtersepolitenesssotheycouldgoawayandboilresentfullyonthethingstheotherhadsaid.
AsLauriereplacedthereceivershethought:Well,thatwasironic—wasn’tthattheultimatemomenttobebondingoversimilarexperiences?Youwouldn’tgetthisonthebloodyGilmoreGirls
Hermumwasstillheavilymarkedbywhatherdaddidalmostfourdecadesago;Lauriefeltthetremorhisnamecaused.WasthatgoingtobeLaurie’sfatewhereDanwasconcernedtoo?
Atsomepoint,youhavetogiveupwishingforyourparentstobewhoyouwantedthemtobeandacceptthemastheyare,Danoncesaid.
Easyforhimtosay,withhiskind,dependablemumanddadwhothoughthewasaprinceamongmenandwoulddropanythinganddoanythingforhim.
AsLauriesatonthestairs,huggingherkneesandnursingherbruisedemotions,therewasmutteredcursinginthedistanceassomeonetrippedoverastep,thescrapeofakeyinthelock,andDancameinthedoor.
“Hi,”hesaid.Hewaspinkfromrunning,andworethelookofapprehensiveguilthealwaysdidaroundLaurienow.
“Hi.Itoldmymum.”
“Ah.”Danwasobviouslyatalossoverwhattosay.“I’venottoldmineyet.”
LauriehadguessedthatfromthelackofacallfromDan’smum,Barbara.TheygotonverywellandBarbarahadalways,inabenignway,treatedLaurieasDan’sPAandhotlinetohispsyche,aswellashiscalendar.Yeah,goodluckwiththatfromnowon.
“I’vefoundaflat,”hesaid.“Quitecentral.Icanmoveinnextweek.”Hegulpedandrushedon.“IknowthissoundsreallysoonandthatI’dhaditlinedup,butIhonestlydidn’t.IwasonRightmoveyesterdayafternoonanditjustcameup,andwhenIcalledtheagenttheysaidIcouldpop’roundthismorning.It’snotgreatbutit’lldofornow.”Hetrailedoff,hischeeksflushedwiththeexerciseand—hopefully—mortificationatbeingsoevidentlyeagertoseethebackofher.
“Oh.Good?”Lauriesaid.Shedidn’tknowwhatnotetostrikeintheteethoftotalrejection.She’dalwayshadthisknackwithDan—shecouldjokehimoutofanytemper,persuadehimwhennooneelsecould.“He’spropersillyforyou,”afriendofhisoncesaid.
Nowshefeltasifanythingshesaidwouldbeeitherpatheticorannoying;shecouldhearitbecomeoneortheothertohimassoonasitlefthermouth.Alltheusualdoors,herwaysin,hadbeenbrickedup.
“I’mgoingtokeeppayingthemortgagehereforthetimebeing.Giveyouagraceperiodsoyoucandecide…whatyouwanttodo.”
“Thanks,”Lauriesaidflatly,becausenowaywasshegoingtobemorefulsomethanthat.Dan’slargersalarycamewithatonofstressattimes,buthaditsuses.She’dhavetoremortgageherselfuptohereyeballsandeBayeverythingthatwasn’tnailedtothefloor.LosingDanandherhomefeltinsurmountable.
“I’mgoingtogetfishandchipsfordinnertonight,wantsome?”Danadded,andLaurieshookherhead.Therestofthebottleofredinthekitchenwouldbemoreeffectiveonanemptystomach.ShenoticedDan’sappetitewasfine.
“Whendowetelleveryoneatwork?”shesaid.They’dmutuallyavoidedthispressingquestionyesterday,butLaurieknewherofficemate,Bharat,wouldsniffitoutindays.
They’dbeaweek-longscandal,withthenewscyclemovingintoadifferentphasedaybyday.“Haveyouheard?”onMonday;“Washeplayingaway?”onTuesday;“Wassheplayingaway?”onWednesday;“IsawthemarguingoutsidetheArndalemalllastChristmas,thewritingwasonthewall”fibdroppedinasalumpofredmeattokeepitgoingonThursday.“WhenisitOKtoaskeitheroneonadate?”nailedonbyFriday,becauseSalter&Rowsonwasanabsolutesinbin.Therewasalotofadrenalineinvolvedintheirworkattimes,whichwasdampenedbyafter-hoursbooze.Addasteadyinfluxofpeopleagedtwentytofortyjoiningorinterning,andyouhadarecipeforalotofflirtingandmore.
Itwasashamethishadhappenednow,justwhentheJamie-Evegossipcouldhavebeenausefuldistraction.Buttherewasnowayafurtiveshag,evenaspecificallyverbotenone,wasgoingtotrumpthebreakupofthefirm’smostprominentcouple.AndLauriewouldn’thavesnitchedonJamieeither.Shewasn’truthless.
Danleanedonthewallandsighed.“Shallwenot?Forthetimebeing?Ican’tfaceallthebullshit.Ican’tseehowthey’dfindoutotherwise.It’snotlikeI’mgoingtoputitonFacebookandyou’rehardlyeveronthere.”
“Yeah.OK,”Lauriesaid.Theybothwantedtowaitforatimeit’dmatterless,thoughrightnowLauriecouldn’timaginewhenthatmightbe.
“Andmydad’sgotmarried.”
“Noway!”Dan’seyeslitup.HeofficiallydisapprovedofLaurie’sdadinordertostayontherightsideofhistory—andofLaurieandhermum—butshe’dalwayssensedDanhadasoftspot.“To,whatwashername,Nicola?”
“Yeah.Somepartyhappeninghere.I’mabridesmaid.”
Barelytrue,butshewantedDantopictureherinadress,inaspotlight,inaglamorouscontextwithscallywagdad,whomhesneakinglyadmired.
“Ah.Nice.”Danlookedbrieflysadandashamedasobviously,he’dnotbethere.“Neverthoughtyourdadwouldsettledown.”
“Peoplesurpriseyou.”Laurieshrugged,andDanlookedawkwardandthenblankatthis,mutteringheneededashower
AsDanpassedheronthestairsandhisbathroom-putteringnoisesstarted,Laurieleanedherheadagainstthebannisters,toospenttoimaginemovingforthemoment.Whentheypassedthirty,asfarastheirpeergroupwereconcerned,DanandLaurietyingtheknotwasadonedeal.Iftheyweren’tthinkingaboutitthemselves,theyweren’tallowedtoforgetit.
Fromacquaintanceswho’ddrunkenlyexhort,“Younext!Younext!”atoneofthescoresofweddingstheyattendedayear,totheopenpleasfromDan’smumtogiveheranexcusetogotoCardiffforadayofoutfitshopping(thebestreasonforlifetimecommitment:amintlacedesignershiftdressandpheasantfeatherfascinator),tofriendswhotoldthem,oncethey’dfinishedbottlesofwineoverdinner,thatDanandLauriewouldhavethebestweddingever,comeon,comeON,doit,youselfishsods.
Lauriealwaysdeflectedwithajokeabouthernotbeingkeenwhatwithbeingalawyer,andseeingalotofdivorcepaperwork,buteventuallythatdodgeworethin.DanreferredtoLaurieas“themissus”and“thewife,”leadingnewerfriendstothinktheyweremarried.
Ithadalwaysseemedacaseofwhen,notif.Lauriehadvaguelyexpectedaringboxtoappear,butitneverdid.Shouldshehavebeenpushingtheissue?
Thewhere’sthewedding??!!!noisehitapeakaroundthirty-three.Havingskirtedaroundit,afternewsofanotherfriend’sengagement,theydiscusseditdirectlyoverhangover-curefriedeggsandwichesofaSaturdaymorning.
“Doyounotthinkit’smuchmoreromantictonotbemarried?”Dansaid.“Ifyou’retogetherwhenthere’snopracticalties,it’sreallyreal.”Hewasindistinctthroughamouthfulofbread.“Realerthanwhenyou’velockedyourselfintoagovernmentalcontract.Weofallpeopleknowthatlegalstuffmeansnothingintermsofhowmuchyouloveeachother.”
Lauriemadeaskepticalface.
“Wehaveno‘ties’…exceptthejointmortgage,everystickofthefurniture,andthecar?”
“I’msaying,marriedpeoplestaywhenit’sroughbecausetheymadethissolemnpromiseinfrontofeveryonetheyknow,andtheydon’twanttofeelstupid,anddivorceisabigdeal.Abig,expensive,arduousdeal.Asyousay,youenduphavingthewagonwheelcoffeetableargumentsoverstuffforthesakeofit,likeinWhenHarryMetSally.There’sthesocialshameandfailurefactor.Peoplelikeusstaytogetherwhenit’sroughoutofpurelove.Ourcommitmentdoesn’tneednovicar,baby.”
Withhisscruffyhair,sweetexpression,andexpensivestripedT-shirt,Danlookedtheveryadvertiser’simageofthetwenty-first-centuryGuyYouSettleDownWith.Lauriegrinnedback.
“So…whatyou’resayingis,therewillbenoweddingsforyou,DanPrice?Or,byextension,me?ThePrice-Watkinsonswillneverbe.ThePratkinsons.”
Hewipedhismouthwithapieceofpapertowel.“Ughwe’dneverdoublebarrelnomatterwhat,right?”
Lauriemockwailed.“Nohugedressforme!”
“Idunno.Neversaynever?Butnotapriorityrightnow?”
Lauriethoughtonit.Shesenseditwasthereforherifshedemandedit.Shewasneitherweddingwildnorweddingaverse.They’dbeentogethersincetheywereeighteen;they’dneverneededarushinthem.Plus,it’dbenicenottohavetofindfifteengranddownthebackofthesofa,therewasplentyneedingdoinginthehouse.Shesmiled,shrugged,nodded.
“Yeah,seehowitgoes.”
EmilyalwaystoldDanhewasluckytohavesuchaneasygoing,un-nagginggirlfriendandDanwouldrollhiseyesandsay:“YoushouldseeherinIkea,”butatthatmomentLauriefeltEmily’spraisewasjustifiedandshethought,lookingathiswarmthat’smygirlsmile,sodidDan.
Anditwasonlynow,listeningtotheshowerthunderingupstairs,thatLaurierealizedthatshe’dmissedthegiantglaringwarningsigninwhatDanhadsaid.
Yes,stayingtogetheroutoflove,notpaperwork,wasromantic.Butifyouflippeditaround,hewasalsosayingmarryingmadeittoodifficulttoleave.
Threedayslater,LauriegotapacketofseedlingsforcolorfulhollyhocksinacardwithaRenoirpainting,andhermum’sunusualslopingscriptinsideread:“Tonewbeginnings.Love,Mum.”Lauriecried:thismeanthermumhadfrettedontheirconversation,itwasherwayofmakingamends.Maybehermumhadn’ttrashedDan,hadbeenupbeatonpurpose—tomakeitclearthiswasn’thistoryrepeating,thatDanwasn’therfatherandLauriewouldn’tgothroughwhatshedid.
Lauriehadnofaithanymore.AsalifelongbelieverinTheOne,inmonogamousfidelitytothepersonwhoyourhearttoldyouwasrightforyou,shewassuddenlyanatheist.IfDanwasn’ttobetrusted,whocouldbe?
Intheyearsahead,sheknewplentyofpeoplewouldtellhertobeopentocommitmentagain,totruelove:thatfreshstartswerepossibleanditwouldbedifferentthistime.Sheknewshewouldsmileandnod,andnotagreewithawordofit.7
Twomonthsandtwoweekslater
“CanIcome’round?”
LaurieansweredDan’scallwhileshewaswalkingtothetramafterwork,asManchester’slate-autumn/early-wintertemperaturefeltlikeitwasstrippingtheskinfromherface.Shelovedhercity,butitwasn’tsohospitableinNovember.
Ithadnotbeenaneasytime.Tenweekssincethesplit,andLauriefeltalmostasdistraughtasshedidthedayDanleft.Whenevertheirpathscrossedatwork,theyhadtochatvaguelynormallysoasnottoarousesuspicion,becausenoonehadfigureditoutyet.AndasLauriecouldn’tbeartheideaoftheirrelationshipbeingpickedapart,shehadn’tdoneanythingaboutit.Itwasn’tasensiblethingtobedoing,asgrown-ups,notnowtheywerelivingapart:theyneededtofaceit.They’dalsomanagedtokeepitasecretfromtherestoftheirChorltonfriendshipgroupbypleadingpriorcommitmentstoafeweventsor,inacoupleofcases,attendingsingularlyandlyingthroughtheirteeth.Butshecouldn’t—wouldn’t—betheonetobreakthedeadlock,asshehopedagainsthopethey’dsimplyneverneedtotelleveryoneaboutthisblip.ShehopedthefactDandidn’twantitknownwasasign.
Lauriewasnoclosertounderstandingwhatthehellhadhappened.Whatdidshedowrong?Shecouldn’tstopaskingthat.
TracingthestepsbywhichDanfelloutoflovewithherwasexcruciatingandyetsheguessedshehadtodoit,orbefatedtorepeatit.
Heronlyconclusionwasthatadistancemusthavedevelopedbetweenthem,soslowlyastobeimperceptible,sosmallastobeoverlooked.Andithadgraduallylengthened.
Ofcourse,theonepersonshehadtold,nexttohermum,wasEmily,tendaysafterthefact,who’dunexpectedlyburstintotearsforher.They’dbeensittinginacheapobasementdimsumbarunderharshstriplighting,aplacethatwasusuallyquietmidweek.Lauriehadaskedforatablerightatthebacksoshecouldheaveandwhimperwithouttoomanycuriouslooks.
AfterhearingthedetailsofEmily’smostrecentworktrip,ajaunttoMiamiforatooth-whiteningbrandwithsoullesscorporatewonks,Lauriesteeledherselfandclearedherthroat.
“Em,Ihavesomethingtotellyou.”
Emily’sgazesnappedupfromrakingoverthenoodlessection.HerhandimmediatelyshotoutandgrabbedLaurie’swristtightly.ThenhereyesmovedtoLaurie’swineandherexpressionwasmorequizzical.
“OhGod!Notthat,”Lauriesaid.“Nope.I’msafetodrink.”
Shetookadeepbreath.“DanandIhavesplitup.He’sleftme.Notreallysurewhy.”
Emilydidn’treact.Shealmostshrugged,anddidasmalldoubletake.“You’rekidding?Thisisawind-up.Whywouldyoudothat?”
“No.Onehundredpercenttrue.It’sover.We’reover.”
“What?You’reserious?”
“I’mserious.Over.Iamsingle.”
Lauriewastryingthatphraseout.Itsoundedacrazyreach,whilebeinghardfact.
“He’sfinishedwithyou?”
“Yes.Hehasfinishedwithme.Weareseparated.”
Laurienoticedthatsomeone“finishing”withsomeoneelsewassuchsavagelanguage.Theycanceledyou.Youareover.Yourusehasbeenexhausted.
“Laurie,areyoubeingserious?Notabreak?You’vesplitup?”
“Yes.”
Lauriewasholdingittogetherbetterthansheexpected.ThenEmily’seyesfilledupandLauriesaid,“OhGod,don’tcry,”hervoicecracking,asbeigelinesstreakedriversthroughEmily’sfoundation.
“Sorry,sorry.”Emilygasped.“I—can’tbelieveit.Itcan’tbereal?He’shavingamomentorsomething.”
Thatimmediateunderstandingfromherclosestfriendhadbeenthestrawtobreakthestoiccamel’sback,andLaurieandEmilyhadwepttogetheruntilthewaitressslappedtwolargeglassesofwinedownontheirtable,muttering“Onthehouse,”beforehastilybeatingaretreat.Here’stosisterhood.
“Why?Hashehadsomesortofstroke?”Emilysaid,whenshegotherbreathback.
Laurieputbothpalmsupinafuckknowsgestureandfeltwhatacomfortherbestfriendwas.She’dbeentherefromthestart,sinceLaurieandDan’sfreshers’weekmeet-cute.Shewascompletelyinvested;Lauriedidn’thavetoexplaintheprecedingeightseasonsforhertobeblownawayatthefinale.Finale,ormidseasonhiatus?
“Hesayshedoesn’tfeelit,us,anymore.Thenightwe’dbeenoutintheRefuge,afterwardhewaswaitingupforme,anditcameout.He’dbeenthinkingaboutleavingforawhile.Which,youknow,isfantastictohear.”Shepaused.“We’dbeentalkingaboutcomingoffthepill.”
Emilywinced.
“Ohhhh,soit’sfearoffatherhood?Growingup,responsibility?”
“Iaskedthat,andalsosaidthatwecouldrethinkhavingkids,butno.He’sdecidedourlifemakeshimfeellikehe’sonafasttracktodeathandhastogorediscoverhimself.”
“Coulditbeatrialseparation?Puttingyoutwoonpause,whilehetwatsaboutoffthegridinGoa,likehe’sJasonBourne?God,wheneverIforgetwhyIhatemen,oneofthemremindsme.”
Laurielaughedhollowly.
“Nope,Idoubtit.”Shecouldn’tadmittoanylingeringhopeshefelt,itwastootragic.Otherpartiesneededtofullyacceptit,onherbehalf.“He’sfoundaflat.We’regoingtoworkoutthemoneyinthenextfewweeks.Thenthat’susdone,Iguess.He’sofferedtotradethecarforfurnituresotherewillbenowagonwheelcoffeetablehaggling.”Laurie’sthroatseizedupagain.
“Idon’tknowwhattosay,Loz.Helovesyoutobits,Iknowhedoes.Heworshipsthegroundyouwalkon,healwayshasdone.Thisismadness.Thisisanepisode.”
Laurienodded.“Yeah.Itdoesn’tmakesense.TheDidn’tSeeItComing,AtAll,factorisfuckingwithmyheadreallybadly.”Shelapsedintosilencetostanchthetears.
“Well,tonightjustgotevendrunker,”Emilysaideventually,catchingthewaitress’seyetosignalanotherround
Intheendthey’dfinishedthenightinanevengrottierbardownthestreet,twobottlesofwinedownandoneheavytipforthepoorwaitresswho’dhadtoclearuptheirsnottytissues.ThememoryofthemorningafterstillmadeLauriewincetoday.Anyonewhomoanedabouthangoversintheirtwentiesshouldbeforcedtosufferahangoverintheirlatethirties.
Theworstofitwas,afterthefireworksofDan’sdeclarationthathewasleavingandthatfirstshockofgrief,theawfulbanalityof“gettingonwithit”wasitsownhorror.
“NevermindthefactI’llbeexpectedtodomonkeysexinswings,liketheyhaveinNineInchNailssongs,whowillItextboringcouplestuffto,everagain?Likewhatshallwehavefortea,pre-payday?WhowillIaskiftheywant‘bakedpotatoesandpickybits’onacheapMonday?”LauriehaddemandedofEmily.“Lotsofpeoplelikebakedpotatoes!”shehadpromised.
Itwastheendofanothernightofboozymourning,andastheywaitedonthecornerfortheirUberstoappear,EmilyhadnudgedLaurie(probablyslightlyharderthanintended).
“Laurie,youknowyou’regoingtogettheSadDadsslidingintoyourDMsanydaynow.”
Lauriebarkedalaugh.“Doubtit.Don’tassumethathowmenarewithyouishowtheyarewithme.”
“Seriously,they’reshameless.Absolutelynoideaofrespectfulpause,straightinthere:Hey,Ihearyou’rebackonthemarket,allowmetoplacetheinitialbid.I’veheardthislamentfromthegirlsatworksomanytimes.Themenallthinkthey’recatchesandthey’reoftenstillwiththeirwives.Theythinkyou’llbedesperatelygratefulforanycheer-upcocktheycanoffer.”Emilycuppedherhandsintoabowlshape:“‘Please,sir,canIhavesomemore?’”
Whenthey’dfinishedsniggering,Lauriehadsaid,“Idon’tgetthatsortofattention.Theattentionyoudo.”
Shefeltsowhollyunpreparedtobebackoutthere.AsEmilypointedout,she’dneverreallybeenthere.
“Becauseahugepartofgettingthatsortofattentionissignalingyou’reupforthatsortofattention.”
“Hah.Ican’teventhinkaboutit.Ican’timagineeverbeinganygoodforanyoneeveragain.IthinkDan’sruinedme.”
“OK,butdon’truleoutthehealingpowerofapurelyphysicalfling.Sometimes,youdon’tneedface-holdingILoveYouintensemeaningfulsex.Whatyouneedissomehenchdipshitwithsuperiorbodystrengthtopinyourwristsaboveyourheadandpoundyouwithavirilemeanness.”
LauriegroanedwhileEmilygrinnedtriumphantly.
“Didyoubrieflyforgetyourpain?”
“Absolutely,”Lauriesaid,leaningherheadonEmily’stinyshoulder.ShehadtheproportionsofamalnourishedHardyheroineonawindsweptmoor.Shewasdefinitelyaheroinethough,neveravictim.
ThiscallfromDanwasofficiallythefirsttimehe’dreachedouttoherto“talk”intenweeksthough.Coulditbe…couldhebe…?No,squelchthatthought.
“Yeah.What,topickstuffup?Youstillhaveyourkey?”shesaidtoDan,hedgingherbets,thoughsheknew“pickingupsomestuff”wasatext,notaphonecall.
“No,I’mcoming’roundtoseeyou.”
“Whatfor?”
“Ineedtotalktoyou.”
Lauriebreathedinandbreathedout.Right.She’dknownthiswouldhappen.AlmostfromthefirstmomentDanhadsaidhewasgoing.Yetitcomingtruesosoonstilltookheraback.
“Whatabout?”
“Ithinkit’sbestsaidface-to-face.Issevenallright?”
Laurie’sheartbeatspedup,becauseshecouldhearthestrainbehindthecasualdelivery.Danwasscared.Shefeltoddlyscaredherself.Whatdidshehavetobefrightenedabout?Itwasforhertoweighheranswer.
Shealreadyknewwhatheranswerwouldbe.Sodidhe.
Theywouldhavetocreakthroughtheformalitiesofhisgrovelingapologies,hispreparedexplanationsforhowhecould’vegotitsocatastrophicallywrong,hisvigorousheartfeltpromisesthathe’dnevermessheraroundagain.Thepledgetoliveinthedoghouseatfirst,todobetter,totryharder.(That’sapoint,there’dneverbeabettertimetogetthatpuppyshe’dunsuccessfullycampaignedfor.)Tentativelyworkingouthowpenitenthewaspreparedtobe—didtheyraisetheissueofLauriebeingonoroffthepill?DidLauriewanttoproceeddirectlytoparenthoodwithamanwho’dleftheronherown,whileheworkedthroughhisfearofdeathinasterilesemi-furnishedplacenearWhitworthStreet?
No,absolutelynot.Hecouldmovebackintothespareroomandtheycouldtakeitslowly.LauriewasstillinlovewithDanbutshewasalsorealisticenoughtoknowtheywouldhaveadifferentrelationshipafterthis.Itwasalargewound.Ithadleftherunabletotrusthim.Itwouldtakeyearstorecoverfully.Itwouldtakeyearsbefore,ifhesaidtheyneededtotalk,shewouldn’tbeexpectingrejectionandamadflitagain.
Shegotinandputthelightson,triedtofigureoutwhatoutfitshecouldchangeintothatwouldmakeherlookattractiveenoughtosuitherdignitybutnotlikeshe’ddressedupforhim.Intheendshewentforjeansandahip-lengthjerseytopshe’dnotworninawhilethatshowedoffhermoreprominentcollarbones,andadarkshadeoflipstickfromaworn-downnubofanEstéeLaudermattelong-lastingsherummagedforinthebathroomcupboards.Thensherubbeditoffwithtoiletpaperandgrimacedatherself.Shewasn’tgoingtolooklikeshe’dbeenyearningandprayingforthismoment,evenifshehadbeen.
Danknockedonthedoordead-onsevenp.m.andLauriefelthisnervesinthisuncharacteristicpunctuality.Whenyou’resofaronthebackfootthatyoudon’twantanyothersinglethingcountingagainstyou.
Hewasinanewjacket,asage-greenpaddedpuffythingshe’dhavetoldhimnottobuy,andshevaguelywonderedifhe’ddressedupforthistoo.Himhavingclothesshe’dnotseenjangledher.Itwasn’thowshepicturedhim,intheinterveningtime.She’dbeenwonderingifshecouldstandtoturnhimdown,tomakehimspendlongerinpurgatory.Thefactshefeltunderminedbythefacthe’dboughtwinterwearwithoutconsultinghertoldhershedidn’thaveanythinglikethestrength.
DansatdownandrefusedLaurie’sofferofabeer—“I’mdriving”—whichshetooktobehimsignalingthathedidn’texpectayes,wasn’tbeingcomplacent.
“Thanksforseeingme,”hesaid,andLauriefrowned.
“Abitformal?Arewecommunicatingaslawyersnow?”
Heshiftedhisweightandcoughedanddidn’tmakeanycautiousgestureofamusement.
AtinyamountofdreadenteredLaurie’sbody.Shecouldn’treadhim.
“Wasittosaysomethinginparticular?”
“Yes…OK.God.There’snogoodwayofsayingthis.”
Usingthatlineagain?Jesus.Sheremainedimpassive.Hedidn’tdeservethesmallestamountofhelpandshe’dhateherselfifshegaveittohim.Itwasbadenoughshewastakinghimback.
“Iwantedyoutobethefirsttoknow.”
Laurie’spalmsweresuddenlyslick,andshecouldfeelthepulseinherwristIwantedyoutobethefirsttoknowwasaREALLYfuckingoddintroductiontoImadeamistake.Ifnotthat,what?
Washeofftofindhimselfintheoutback,despitehermockeryoverhispoorglobe-trottercredentials?ShewasgoingtohavetogritherteeththroughChristmas,desperatelyhopinghe’dnotencounteredanymisfortunewhilehikingthroughremotedustyareasoftheplanet?DesperatelyscanninghisFacebook,hopinghe’dpostaproof-of-lifephoto,lookingtannedandcraggy?
“Firsttoknowwhat?”Lauriesaidfinallyintotheagonizingsilence,duringwhichDan’sfacewasetchedwithgraveworry.
“I’vemetsomeone.”
Thephrasesmashedintothelivingroomlikeameteorite,takingoutthefireplace,leavingasmokingcrater.Shephysicallyrecoiled.He’dcomeheretosayhewaswithanotherwoman?Already?Lauriehadnot,forasinglesecond,entertainedthatthiswaswhathappenednext.Notthisfast.He’donlyjustmovedout.Howwasthispossible?
“Metsomeone?”sherepeatedincredulously,staringattheprefaded,pretend-wornkneesonhisindigojeans,clotheswhichsherealizedshe’dnotseenbeforeeither.
Dannodded.
“You’retogether,likeacouple?”
“Yes.”
“You’vesleptwithsomeone?”
Thiswaspatentlyastupidquestion,ateenager’squestion,givenhe’dcalledthemacouple.Lauriewassofarbeyonddealingwiththisthatshehadnoprocessbetweentherapidfiringinherbrain,andhermouth.
Dantwistedhishandstogetherandsaid:
“Yes.”
Lauriewantedtoscream,orsob.Untilnow,hisleavingwasonlywords,atemporaryabsence,andathree-monthlease.Afewpatching-upconversationswiththeirparentsandEmily,ayearthatyou“putbehindyou”whenyouraisedaglassattheNewYearbells.
Nowitwasdefinitive:he’ddonesomethinghecouldn’tundo.Lauriesteadiedherself,withgreateffort,andasked,“But—we’vebarelysplitup?It’sbeenweeks?”
Dandidn’treplytothis,butcarriedon.“She’scalledMegan.SheworksatRawlings.”
Givingheranamemadeitreal.Laurietriedtoquellherspinningstomach,andracingmind,tofocus.Therewouldbetimetofallapartlater.Lotsofit.Rawlings,arivalfirm.Someonehe’dmetincourt.
“Andyoustartedseeingherwhen?”shesaidwithrestrainedforce.
Dantwistedhishandssomemore.
“Fewweeksback.Amonthorso.”
“Butyouknewheralready?”
“Yeah.Ayear,yearandahalf.”
“DidIreallymeanthislittle?Thatyoucouldmoveonthisquick?”
Hewassilent.
“WhattheFUCK,Dan?What?!PleaseexplainthisbecauseI’mnotclosetounderstandinghowyoucouldbethisruthless?”
“It’snotsomethingIplanned,”hesaideventually.“Ithink…theendismorerecentforyouthanforme,inthatIwasn’thappyforawhile.”
“OhGod,sowe’rebacktotheideayou’dbeenmiserableforages?”
“No,notages!”
Itwasover.Hewaswithsomeoneelse.YetLauriewasalreadyaskingherselfhowtheycamebackfromthis.Thereisno“they,”avoicetoldher.Thereis“them”now.Haveyougonedeaf?
“Youfuckingsadist,”Lauriesaid,shrillbuthoarse.“Whoareyou?Idon’tevenknow.Ireallydon’tevenknow.”
Don’tcry,don’tcry,don’tcry,Laurietoldherself.Notyet,thoughitfeltlikeshehadpsychicallycollapsedinonherself,likeadyingstar.
Shehadanenemy,anemesis,arivalsheneverknewabout,whohadclimbedintobedwithherlong-termpartnerwhen,somehow,Lauriewasn’tlooking.
Lauriehadn’tforasecondconsideredtherewasanyoneelse.WhensheaskedDanthatquestion,thatfirstnight,itwasmoretoembarrasshimthananything.Topointuptheseriousnessandthestakesofhisactionstohim.LauriewasbracedtoreceiveDanback,andnowthis?
Andwhenexactlydiditstart?
Sheheldupatremblinghandandcountedoffonherfingers.“You’vebeengonetenweeks,Dan,andyougottogetherwithherafewweeksback.Andshe’salreadyimportantenoughforyoutocome’roundandtellmeabout?Something’snotquiteaddingup,isit?ThisisConcordespeed.”
Danblewairout.Helookedlikehisjawhadlocked,thathewasfindingitdifficulttospeak.Hecouldn’tlookather.“Obviouslywewerefriends,before.Onlyfriendsthough,nothinghappened.”
“Butyouknewthatyouweregoingtogettogetherwithherwhenyouleftme,didn’tyou?”
DanwasvigorouslyshakinghisheadbutLaurieknewthebonesofhim,she’dknownhimhalfherlife.Shecouldseeinhiseyesthathewaslying.Nevermindthat,shecouldseeonthebaretimelinehere,hewaslying.Nointuitionneeded,that’showstaggeringlyobvioushiscrueltywas.
“Nothinghappenedbefore…”
“Don’ttrytofuckingout-lawyeralawyer,Dan.‘Nothinghappened’—meaningyouwaitedtohavesexuntilyoutoldmeyouwereleavingme.Butshewasrightthere,linedup.Youleftmeforher.”
HeshookhisheadbutagainLauriecouldseehehadnowords,withoutcompletelyperjuringhimself.
LauriestilllovedDandeeply,andyetwiththeexcruciatingpainhewasinflictingonher,shefeltthebanaltruismoftherebeingafinelinebetweenloveandhate.
Laurieknewthatmostpeopleweremurderedbysomeonetheyknew;she’dstoodupincourtandarguedforthekillers’bailapplicationswhiletheyweptnotonlyabouttheirfate,butabouttheirloss.
Inthismoment,sheunderstoodwhy.8
Lauriesuppressedherhomicidalimpulsesandtriedtosummoneveryounceofsomeonewhothoughtstrategyforalivingtohandlethis,tonotletDanoffthehookbyputtingherfeelingsfirst.
“Soyouwereobviouslyreallyfuckingheartbroken.Howlongdidyouwaittoclimbintobed,afterthePickfordsvanlefthere?Days?Hours?”
“Iwas.Iam.Shehasnothingtodowithus,withwhathappened.”
“Oh,whatSHIT!You’dfallenforsomeoneelse,youdumpedmeforher,butyou’veconvincedyourselfsheisincidental?!Thisisbeyondinsulting.It’sdownrightfuckingludicrous.”
“Laurie,ifwewereright,ifthingshadbeenOK,Meganwouldn’thavehappened.Thecauseandeffectisthewrongway’roundifyouthinkMegansplitusup.”
Lauriegasped.“Thesearementalgymnastics,contortions,soyoudon’thavetofeelguilty.Basicallyit’smyfaultfornotmakingyouhappyenough?”
“No!Relationshipsfailallthetime,I’mnotsayingit’syourfault.Thisiswhathashappened,that’sall,andIknowit’sshittyforyou,Iknowthat.”
“Yeah,relationshipsareespeciallylikelytofailwhenonepersonhasstartedanaffair.Youknow,thatthingwepromisedwe’dnevereverdotooneanother.Rememberthat?”
“Itwasn’tanaffair,”Dansaidgrimly,but,toLaurie’sears,withoutthenecessaryconviction.
“Beingonapromisewithsomeoneisanaffair,Dan.”
Hesaidnothing,becauseshehadnailedit.Theutteremptinessofthisargumentativevictory.Infact“victory”wasthewrongword.Soursatisfactionatbest,exceptshefeltnosatisfactionwhatsoever.
“Youhadanaffairandyouwon’tevendothedecentthingandsayasmuch,callitwhatitis,incaseitmakesyoufeelbad.”
“Ifeelawful.”
Lauriehadtotellherselftobreathebeforeshecouldspeakagain.
“Ibeggedyoutotellmewhatwasgoingon,Ibeggedyou.AndyougavemealoadofWANKaboutfindingyourself.Youhadmetsomeotherwomanyouwantedtobang,andyouspunmethislineaboutyourexistentialangst?!”
“Allofthatwastrue!”Dansaid,morevehementnow,butLaurieknewhewasonlyvehementinthewayanyoneinacornerwas,withanear-hyperventilatingwomanshoutingunwantedtruthsathim.
“Wasittooobvious,tooLAMESTREAM,toadmityou’dfoundabetteroption,likeamillionotherboringagingmenwhocan’tkeepitintheirpants?Isshetwenty-five,thismysterioussomeonewhodoesn’tmakeyoufeeltrappedandlikethere’snothingworthwhilebetweenhereanddeath?”
“Thirty-five.”
Instantly,despiteherfuryandhumiliationattheideasomelissomeingenuehadstolenDan’saffections,thiswasworse—Lauriehadn’tbeentradedforayoungermodel.She’dlosttoawomanofherownage,orthereabouts.Itwasafairfight,thisboxingmatch,theywereinthesameweightcategorywithsimilarlengthoftraining.Lauriewassimplytooboring.
Thatfearwaslurkingbehinditall,sheknewthat.Domesticated,exemplaryemployee,devotedtoDan,tickedsomanyboxes—butdull.Someonewhocouldmakeyoufeellikelifeheldnosurprisesanymore.Rightnow,shewantedtosurprisetheshitoutofhim,buttheonlywaysshecouldthinkofinvolvedpetrolandmatches.
“Ipromiseyou,that’snothowitwas.Iwasalreadyunhappy,thethingwithMegancamerightoutoftheblue…”
“Thisissuchbullshit!”Laurieshouted,reactingtohearinghernameagainlikeshe’dbeenTasered.“YourwholethingwasohnoIhatethisconventional,being-tied-down,settledmonogamy,it’snotforme,maybeIwillgobackpacking.Andyourfirstbiggestureoffreedomisgettinganothergirlfriend?!Anotherlawyer,atthat?”
LauriehadtopauseforbreathbutsheknewshewasdyingforDantosay,She’snotmygirlfriend,it’safling.Hedidn’tofcourse—ifshewasafling,whywouldhebehere?WhichmeantLauriewasstillgambling,evennow,theycouldcomebackfromthis.
Beingconfrontedwithhowlittleyoucouldacceptfromsomeone,whenyourheartwasonthelineandyouwerebeingtortured,wasawful.Lauriehatedherselftoointhatverymoment.
“Idon’tknowwhatyouexpectmetosay,Dan.Great,crackon,hopethesexisamazing,”Lauriespat.“Whyeventellme?”
Therewasapause,asthishadbeenarhetoricalquestion,andyetLaurierealizedshe’dhitonaverygoodpoint.Whyhadhetoldher?FearofSalter&Rowson’sStasiseeingthem,perhaps?Except…thiswasaveryballsymove,nevertheless.Danwasthemanwhoevenaftertenweekshadyettotellhisparentsthey’dseparated(Lauriehadstoppedansweringthehousephoneincaseitwashismothercalling);hedidn’tgolookingfortroubleordifficulty,toputitmildly.
Dansaidhaltingly,“Because…”
“Because…?”
Anothersilence.“Becauseyoudeservedtohearfromme”orsomeotherplatitudewouldn’twarrantthishesitation,andtheadvocateinLaurieasked:Whyhashetoldyounow?Whynotwaitafewmonthsandlooklessofabastard?Herwholebodywascoatedinathinlayeroffreezingsweat.
“Oh,fuck…Ihaveabsolutelynoideahowtosaythisandit’sstillnotrealtome.Ihavenoideahowtosaythis,noidea…”
Hewasgabbling.
Throughacascadeofhertears,Lauriesaid,“Whatthefuck?Whatmoreisthere?Areyougettingmarriedorsomething?”Herheartwasracing.
“She’spregnant,”Danheavedout.Heburiedhisfaceinhishands,almostasadefensivemove,asifhethoughtLauriemightphysicallyattackhim.
Timestoodstillforamoment,timeinthisworldthatLauriedidn’tunderstandorwanttoliveinanymore.PregnantPregnant.Itechoedthroughtheirthoughtfullydecorated,tasteful,affluentChorltonitecouldn’t-stand-it-for-a-day-longer-could-you-Danlivingroom.
“She’s…?What?It’syours?”
DannoddedandLauriecouldn’tabsorbwhathewassaying.
Ifshe’dbeenshockedbefore,itdidn’tcomparetothisstateoftotalstandstill.Lauriesimplystared.Shecouldn’tbe.What?What?
“Itwasanaccident,shesaidshewasonthepill.Butshewantstokeepit.Fuck,Laurie,Ididn’tplanforthis,Ipromiseyou,it’shappenedoutofnowhere.”
“How…?”No,nothow,sheknewhow.Don’tbesick,notyet.“When?”
“Twomonths.”
“You’veonlybeenmovedoutalittleovertwomonths.Youjumpedrightintoherbed?”
Danstaredatherlevellyandemptily,andLauriesnorted,awaterysnortofhorroranddisgustanddisbelief.
“You’restayingwithher,andyou’rehavingababy?”Lauriesaid.Dannoddedandshesawhistearsandshewantedtopunchhimintheface.“Youtoldmeyoudidn’twantkids?”
Hewasgray-white.“Ididn’t.Idon’t.It’sanaccident.”
Enough.Lauriestoodup,grabbedDanbytheshoulders,andmanhandledhimoutoftheroomandintothehallway,shrieking,“Getout!Getthefuckout!”whileDanmadeuselessvaguenoisesofobjection.
“Youdothistome,youtellmeyoudon’twantkids,andyoudothis?!”
ShepushedDanoutthedoorsohardhestumbledandnearlyfellover.Lauriedidn’tcareifthewholestreetheard,orsaw.
Sheslammedthedoorwithmuchforceandnoisilyslidthebolt.Itwasn’texactlylikelyhe’driskhislifebyusinghiskeytogetbackin,butitfelttherightthingtodoallthesame.Final.
Sheleanedherheadontheglassforjustamomentandthenturnedandraceduptothebathroom,vomitingintotheloo,retchingagainandagainuntiltherewasnothingleft,thenslumpedbackdownonthefloor.Shehadagoodviewoftheundersideofthebowlandthewhiskersthatcoatedit—Danwasgoneforever,butstillhererecentlyenoughshe’dstillbecleaninguphismess.Mess?Devastation.
Baby.Hewashavingachild,withsomeonecalledMegan.Hehadbeenhavinganaffairforsometime,thatwascertain,emotionallyifnotphysically.He’dcelebratedhisfirstnightsoffreedombyimpregnatingsomeoneelse.Lauriewasgoingtohavetorecitetheseutterlyharrowing,bizarrefactsuntiltheysankinforher.
Hewasgoingtobeadad.Butnotwithher.Animagesprungintoherhead,apinkturnip-facednewbornwithfroggyeyes,wrappedinacocoonofwhitecrochetblanketeyes,Dancradlingit,lookingupatthecamerawiththeshell-shocked,cloud-nineexpressionofanhours-oldparent.Hewoulddothis,withouther.Shewouldnotbethemotherofhischildren.Hewouldnotbethefatherofhers.
Hers.Hah.
Lauriemadeanoisethatsoundedpeculiartoher,inthequietofthehouse,akindofstrangledwhimper,shadingintoananimalistichowl.Itechoed,unanswered,inheremptyhouse.9
Laurieranginsickthenextmorning.Ithelpedhervoicewasbarelyacroakasshespoketothereceptionisttoclaimupsetstomachandthesweats.
“Ugh,yeah,yousoundlikeshit—don’tcomeinandgiveittous,”saidJanonreception,whonoonehadeverconfusedwithableeding-heartliberal.
Lauriecrawledbacktobedandlaystaringatthewhitestar-shapedceilinglampshadeasthehoursdriftedpast.
ShefeltcertainDanhadgoneintotheofficebecause:(1)he’dhaveguessedshemightnot,andtheycouldn’tbothbeoffwithoutquestionsandacoverstoryaboutfoodpoisoningorsomething,whichwasafalsehoodtoofarnow;and(2)hewasn’tshatteredbywhatwashappening.
TheonlycommunicationshereceivedwasanemailfromhyperefficientJamieCarter:Hey,sorrytobotherwhenyou’reonyoursickbedbutdoyouknowanythingabouttheadjournmentintheCheethamHillrobbery?
Oh,goswivel.“Ifambitionwashair,he’dbetheyeti,”asBharatoncesaid.
Lauriepretendedtoherselfshewasillandthereforeallowedherselftodoze.
Whensherejoinedconsciousnessforaspellinthelateafternoon,shehadatextfromBharat—WTAF,YOUARENEVERILL!ItwasDi’sbakingdaysoIsavedyouajamtart,butaflygotstuckinitxxx—andanother,fromDan.
Hi.Hopeyou’reOK.Can’timaginehowshityoufeel,Laurie,andI’msosososorry,Inevermeantforanyofthistohappen.Idon’tknowwhattosay.Callmeifyouwantto,evenifit’stoshoutatme.
WhenDandroppedhisinitialbombshell—shecouldn’tthinkofthatpartialaccountofaconversationnowwithoutclutchingherchest,likeshemighthaveacoronarywiththerage—she’dwonderedifhe’dbecomeanarsehole.Shenowknewtheanswertothat.Orifhe’dnotbecomeone,maybehe’dalwayshadthistendency,ithadgottenworse,andsomehowLauriehadblindedherselftoit.
“Callmeifyouwantto,evenifit’stoshoutatme”wasrevolting—thepreeningself-regardandfalsebigheartedperformativegoodguynessofgoon,IknowIdeserveit,onceyou’dswaggeredclearoftheblast.
He’dverylikelyrobbedLaurieofherchanceofparenthoodwithhisindecision,walkedoutthedoor,andimmediatelyinseminatedsomeoneelse.Shehadn’tevenbeguntheworkofworkingouthowupsetshewasaboutheroddsofmotherhoodbeingdramaticallyslashed,afteralifetimeofthinkingitwasthereforheratthetimeofherchoosing.
Danhadn’tbeensureabouttakingthishugestepwiththeloveofhislife,butwithMegan,ithadhappenedinstantly.Hegavetoherwhathe’dwithheldfromthewomanwho’dwashedhissocksforthelastdecade.
Danhadsaiditwasn’tplanned,butLauriewasatthestagewhere,ifDansaiditwasraining,she’dgooutsidetocheck.
TheclockonLaurie’sbedsidetablehitsix.Awholedayhadfloatedbyandshe’dbarelyregistereditpassing.
Sixmonthsorsoago,Danhadtakenuprunning.Lauriehadbeenpleased,evenimpressed.Shewasquitegoodatkeepingfit,goingtothegym,walkingeverywhere;DanhadbeentheonegluedtothesofawithhishandstuckinabagofTangyCheeseDoritos.
Shenowsawthathobbyforwhatitwas—gettingmatchfitforwrestlingwithanexcitingnewprospect.Spendinghourspoundingthestreets,musicblaring,nothavingtointeractwithhislong-termgirlfriend,whileheplottedafreshcourse.Beginningtobreakaway.
Theyusedtotalksoopenly—itwassomethingtheyusedtoprivatelycongratulatethemselveson,evenboastabouttoeachother.Howcometheydon’tdiscussthisstuff?they’dsayinwonderaboutfriends,shakingtheirheads.You’remybestfriendaswellasmygirlfriend,whywouldInot?Danusedtosay,atwhateverladdishthingafriendhadsaidhe’dnevertellhisotherhalf.
Danwasagreattalker,Lauriewasatalkerandagoodlistener;whensomethinghadbotheredoneofthem,itgotdealtwithupfront.
Thathadsubtlychangedinthelastcoupleofyears,Laurierealized.WhatshecalledDan’smoodiness—anditwasmoods,evensulks,certainlyextendedsilenceswhichshecouldn’tandwasn’tinvitedtopenetrate—wasalsoaclosingoffandaclosingdown,puttingupaforbiddingwallaroundwhatwasactuallygoingoninhishead.
Atsomepoint,heturnedawayfromher;hemadethedecisionthatthesolutiontohisproblemsdidn’tlieinLaurie.
Thatwasthepromiseyoumadewhenyoufellheadoverheelsinlove,really,shethought.Notthatyouwouldn’thaveproblems,butthatnoproblemwouldbethesortwhereyoucouldn’tfindthesolutiontogether.
Onthethirddayofmourning,Laurie’sutterhorroratthethoughtofknowinganythingaboutMegan—simplysayingthenameinherheadwaslikerepeatingacurse,hexingherself—turnedonasixpence.
Lauriesuddenlyhadagnawinghungertoseeeverything.Itmustbesomepartofthestagesofgrieving,ortheshockreceding.Yourappetitereturningafterasickness.
ItwasaSaturday,buttimehadceasedtohavemuchmeaningforLaurie,sincetheWednesdaynightoftheannouncement.Shewonderedifshecouldgetadoctor’snotetonotgointoworknextweektoo.
Withshakyhandsandweakbody—whendidshelasteat?ShethoughtsherecalledfindinghalfasquashedTwixinhergymbag,yesterdaylunchtime—Lauriehauledherlaptopontoherkneesonthesofa.SheopenedherrarelyusedFacebookpage,andsearchedforMegan.Thefirstnamewouldsurelyrevealthelikeliestsuspect.
Nothing.NotinDan’sfriends,notinthefriend’slistsofthosesheknewatRawlings.Meganmustbeoneofthoserarepeoplewhodidn’tusesocialmedia.
Unless…Laurielayonherbackandstaredatthefiligreeofspiderwebsalongthepicturerail,thepartsofahouseyourarelypausedlongenoughtoinspect,whennotlaidflatonyourback,inthetwilightlandoftheunwellUnless.
UnlessMeganhadblockedher?Itseemedaggressive,unfair—surelyitwasforLaurietoblockMegan,intheproperwayofthings.Butifyouknewyournewboyfriendhadtoldhisvery-recent-ex-long-termgirlfriendyouwerepregnant,you’dknowavery,veryscornedwomanwascominghurtlingyourway.Whywouldyouleaveanyofyourbusinessopentoit?
Laurieopenedabrowseragain,butthistime,setupafreshFacebookprofileusingherGmailaddress,insteadoftheoldYahooone.
Lauriewouldn’tneedtoaddanyfriendsorsignaltheexistenceofthesecondaccountinanyway;shecoulduseitpurelyasastalkingtool.
Onceitwasactiveandshelaunchedherinvestigationsagain,Lauriedidn’tknowwhattohopefor.
Confirmingyou’dbeenblockedwasdisconcertingenoughwhenitwasjustsomeoneyoudidn’trubalongwithbrilliantlywellatwork,letalonethewomanwhostoletheloveofyourlifeandwaspregnantwithhischild.Butifshewasn’tblockedandMeganreallywasatwenty-first-centuryGretaGarbo,Laurie’sburningneedtoknowmorewouldgounmet.
Withadullthud,assheclickedonDanPrice’sprofile—hisphoto,athrowbackpictureofhimselfinfancydressatuniversityonthenighthemetLaurie,saltintowounds—andthenagaininhisfriends,MeganMooneysprangupinfrontofher.Profilephoto,ajokeyoneofLucilleBall.
Shewasblocked.Thebitchhadblockedher,whilecampingherebrazenlyinDan’sfriends.Laurieswallowedbackbile,literal,physicalbile.
Shetookadeepbreathandbracedherselfbeforedivingin.MeganMooney.Shesoundedlikeasecretaryina1940sscrewball,orthequietmouse“byday”alteregoofaMarvelsuperhero.
Lauriecheckedherself:shecoulddothiswithoutsobbingorscreaming,breathedagain,andclicked.
MeganhadsharedsomeJustGivinglinks—OHYOULIKESUPPORTINGCHARITIES,DOYOU,LIKEAGOODPERSON?—Laurieinternallyspasmed:shemightnotbereadyforthisexperience,likeawobblypatientonawardtryingtowalktoofastanddoingthemselvesamischief.
Wouldsheeverbeready?
WhatwaspubliclyavailableonMegan’sprofilewasn’tveryinformative,andwhenLauriewasscrollingbirthdaywishesfromtwoyearsago(wasDanthere?Notthatshecouldfind)shemovedtothephotogalleries.
Theyweregenerallyofgroups,butLaurieclickedandclickeduntilshesawenoughofthepicturessoshecouldspotwhichwasMegan,byherubiquity.
Shecouldn’thelpit;herfirstresponsewastocompareherself.
Meganwasaredhead,nothinglikeLauriephysically,properlyLucozadeginger.Laurierememberedsomethingaboutgingerismbeingarecessivegeneandcouldn’trememberifthatmeantDan’schildwouldbeone.
Meganhadclose-seteyes,astrongnose,andanintimidatingratherthanprettyface.Lauriewaseasilyconventionallyprettier.Lauriebothknewthistobetruestraightawayandyetsimultaneouslydidn’ttrustit,doubtedit,andhatedherselfforthisbeingsuchanecessarymeasure.Lauriehadneverbeensomeonewho’dtradedonherlooks.But,asanacerbicfemalecolleagueoncesaidtoherregardsthelengthofhercoupledom,you’veneverneededto.
AndmuchlikeMegan’sage,Lauriemovedfromasplitsecondofrelieftoconfusionandintimidation.Ifshewasn’tadazzlingbeauty,thenhowcouldawomanwhosepowersofattractionshecouldn’timmediatelyseedothistoher?DanwantedhermorethanhewantedLaurie,soanybargainingandcomparingnowwasfutile.MeganwasclearlykillersexytoDan,asshe’dkilledtheirrelationship.Herpowersofattractionhadannihilatedaneighteen-yearhistory.
FurtherpokingaroundrevealedMeganwassportyandhadanincrediblefigure,anear-concavestomach(thatwasabouttochange.Lauriehatedherselfforexpandingthepicturewithforefingerandthumb,staringmorbidlyatthespacewhereDan’schildwas),andlegsthatwentonfordays.
Ifsheneededtofeelphysicallyinferiortounderstandthis,thenMegan’sphysiquecoulddoit.Lauriehadatwingeofpoliticaloutrage—ifshe’dleftDanforanotherman,wasitlikelyhe’dspendanytimestudyinghisrival’scalfmusclesforcluesastowhyshe’dstrayed?Nope.
HerewasMeganattheendofa10Krunforbreastcancerresearch,everyonepinkfacedintheirLycragear,linkedarmsandholdingtheirmedalsuptothecamera.Laurieburnedatthegrinningwomenflankingher,thesenseofsisterhoodintheirfemalecause—someformewould’vebeennice,eh,“Megs”?(ShewasMegsonhertabard.)Hellhathnofury
Shecametotheendofwhatshewasabletosee.TheAddFriendbuttontauntedherandsheclosedthewindow,adampnessgatheringonherbrow.Lauriefantasizedthecatastropheofhittingitbymistake,Meganseeingtherequest.
Hah,Lauriewasworriedaboutthatgaffe,whenMeganhadafetushalfmadeofDan’sDNAtoexplain?
Sheshutherlaptopandlaydownonthesofaagain.
Therehadbeenasecretivealternativeuniverse,abuddingromance,alongsideLaurie’snormallifewithDan,thetwotimelineseventuallytointersectinthemostexplosiveway.
Laurieknewhowitmusthavebeensteadilybuilt,forthemtobereadytoleapintobedtogetherassoonastheGettingRidofLaurieadminwascomplete.(Assumingthatitwastruetheywaited,ofcourse.)
Sharedglances,momentary,supposedlyinsignificanttouchingofhands,orknees,undertables.Innocentcoffeesaftercourt,inwhichperhapsalittletoomuchwassaidabouttheirrespectiveprivatelives.Ruefulhumorthatsuggestedmaybeitwasn’tabedofroses.Tinyhintsthatyoumightbeopentoalternatives.Textsontheweekend,onlylightjokesbutmakingitclearyouwerethinkingaboutsomeoneoutofhours.Testingresponses,plausibledeniabilityalwaysthereifyougotnothingback.
KnowingthishadhappenedfelttoLaurielikethinkingyouwerehealthy,goingaboutyournormaldays,andnotknowingafatalcancerwasfloweringsomewhere,unfelt,inanorgan.HadMegancheatedonherpartnertoo?Therewasnosignofasignificantother,butLauriecouldseeonlyadozenorsoimages.
Whendiditstart?Howdiditstart?TheywerequestionstowhichLauriewouldverylikelyneverknowanswers.
Inafewshortyears,orevenmonths,itwouldbepastthepointanyonewouldeventhinkitwasherbusiness.ApagehadturnedforDan,andLauriewasnowpartofhispasttense.Lauriewassomeonewho’dappearfleetinglyinshadowyformindinnerpartyanecdotes.Dandandlinganinfantonhislap:Oh,Santorini?Yeah,Iwenttherewithmyex.Eighteenyears,andshe’dbeworthatwo-letterdescriptor.
WhileLauriedidsomeexhaustedsobbinginlieuofbeingwillingtothrowhernicecrockeryaroundtheroom,aclearthoughtsolidifiedinhermind:Iamnotonlyasadwoman.Iamabloodylawyer.Iwanttoknowwhenitstarted.Iwanttogetthisbastardforprovableinfidelity,evenifnotsexual.Sotherewillbeevidence.THINK.
Meganwasintorunning.AndDanhadtakenuprunning,whichLauriewassurewasn’tacoincidence.Whenheran,helistenedtomusic.Shewasconfidenthewasrunningandnotoffonanyrendezvous,asheregularlycamebackred-facedandshowedherhisrouteonRunkeeper,beforedramaticallycollapsingandsayingLauriebestfetchhimamedicinalbeer.
Lauriewasrarelyonline,sotheplacehecouldinteractwithMeganwasFacebook,andthetopicthey’dbondoverwastheirstupidjogging.Runninggroups?LaurieusedheroldprofiletocheckDan’sactivity.Nothing.Hewasn’tthesortofpersontobefair,theNIMBYsofChorltonCommunitysitedrovehimaroundthebend.
Music,though.Running.She’dglimpsedaplaylistonhisphonescreen,ashewoundtheearphonesaroundit.
AcombinationofherprofessionalcunningandherinstinctsaboutDanmeanttheanswercametoherinasecond:theymaderunningplayliststogether.Shewassureofit.Danusedtogiveherendlessmixtapeswhentheywerefirstgoingout—itwashiskindofcourtship.Songchoicescouldcovertlyyetpowerfullydeclareallkindsofthingsyou’dneverdaresayoutright.
Laurieopenedherlaptop,loggedintoSpotify.She’donlyeverhadDan’susernameforthat,andshebethethoughtshe’dnevercheckin,andifshedid,wouldn’tknowwhatshewaslookingat.
Well,shedidnow.
Laurie’sskinprickledwiththesuccessfuldetective“Gotcha!”sensation,coupledwithhorroratseeingitlaidout,asifshe’dtornbackthecoversonwrithingbodies.
AmongDan’splaylists,therewasonemadesixmonthsago,calledIWannaRun2U.Nicewordplay,twat.Thereitwas,halfwaydown:asongaddedbyadifferentuser,onecallingherselfmeggymoon.Ugh,UGH.
Thetrackwascalled“WhenLoveTakesOver.”
Dan’snextwas“GoYourOwnWay”byFleetwoodMac.Anotherfrommeggymoon:“NotAfraid.”Itwasstraightcall-and-responseoftwopeoplepantingforeachother;LauriehardlyneededtobeaBletchleycodebreaker.
Dan’snext:theStones’“StartMeUp.”Puke.Lauriewasembarrassedforhim.
Itwasaverymodernwaytotransactcheatingandyetitwasanage-olddynamic—overcaffeinated,adolescentexcitement,eggingeachotheronbydegrees.
Andhidinginplainsight,becauseifLauriehadqueriedthisplaylist,theywouldbeabunchofsongs,and—DUH!—loadsofsongsareaboutsexandlove,dummy.ShewonderedhowDanwould’vedeniedit.Orwouldhehavebrokendown,useditasachancetotellthetruth?She’dneverknow.
Lauriepickedupherphone,notinfullcontrolofherself,andtextedDan.
Iknowyouweremessingaroundwithhersixmonthsback,Ihavetheproof.Ihavenoideawhoyouareanymore,andIdon’twanttoknow.
Thensheturnedontohersideandwenttosleep.Whenshebrieflyawoke,shehadthreemessagesinreply,andmanagedtodeletethemwithoutreadingthem.10
“Laurie,I’vehadasciencefictionfilmpitchfrommycousinMunni.Listentothis…”
AsLaurietookherseatonMondaymorning,herofficemates,BharatandDi,wereshriek-chortlingateachotherinawaythatwasbothareminderthatlifewenton,andatthesametimeseemedtobehappeningbehindawallofglass.
Bharat’seccentriccousinMunniinLeamingtonSpawasaregularsourceofamusementanddelighttoBharat.MunnioncetriedtogethimselfnominatedforaPrideofBritainawardforkaratechoppingashoplifterrunningawaywithafrozenchickeninMorrisons,andaccordingtoahorrifiedBharat,driedhiswillyintheDysonAirbladeafterashowerinthegym.
“Itistheyear2030andscientistshavefoundacurefordeath.Goodnews,you’dthink?No.Becausenow,withnoonedying,therearetoomanypeople.Sotherearetwochoices:killoldpeopleorsterilizetheyoung.Warbreaksoutbetweenthebreedersandthegeriatrics.Atfirst,thankstobetterstrength,bonedensity,andjointmobility,plusunderstandingsmartphones,theyouthprevail.”
Bharatpausedtohunchdouble,laughingoverhiskeyboard.
“PoorMunni!Doesheknowyousharehisemails?”Lauriesaid.
“He’ssentittotheheadofParamountfilmstudios!HecanstandforafewpeopleinManchestertohearittoo.”
Laurieswitchedhercomputeron,slungherbagdown,unwoundherscarf.
Bharat,aSikhmanofthirty-twowithafreneticsociallifeandloveofdisco,andDi,afifty-somethingdivorcéewhoadoredherMainecooncatsandEdSheeran,wereunlikelybanterpartners,andyettheyweredevotedtoeachother.Itwaspracticallyamarriage.
Today,Lauriewaspainfullygratefulforthebackgroundhubbubthey’dcreated,asshewantedminimalscrutinyofwhatshe’ddoneontheweekend.Itwaseasyenoughtolie,buthardertokeepheremotionstotallysteadywhileshedidso.Itwashardnottoappearasshewas—hollowedout.
HermumusedtoplayPaulSimon’s“Graceland”onaloop,andLauriekeptthinkingofthelineaboutlosinglovebeinglikeawindowintoyourheart.Shewanteditshuttered.Andshehadtoseehimhere,interact?Thethoughtmadeherinsidesseizeup.
Itwaswithintenseapprehension,awarethatalongerabsencewouldgeneratemoreinterest,Lauriehadcomebackintoworktoday.
Onlytofind,thankstoaGodwithasicksenseofhumor,Danloiteringoutsideatninea.m.,finishingacallwithaclient.Itwasharrowing,butbettershefacedhimstraightaway,andwithoutthembeingwatched.
“Howareyou?”hesaid,looking,ithadtobesaid,completelyshitscaredofher.
“Fine,”shereplied,andmarchedpast.Knowingherseven-poundweightloss,hauntedbaggyeyes,andnearpalpabledespairsaiddifferent.
“Laurie”—Dancaughtherarm,loweredhisvoice—“Isaidyouhadastomachflu.Peopleaskedme.”
Shegaveacurtnodinresponse,becausethiswasn’tthetimeorplacetobecuttingorcontemptuous,thenpulledherarmawayfirmlyandmarchedintothebuilding.
Salter&Rowsonwasanold-fashionedlawfirm,afewstreetsawayfromDeansgate.ItwasaloomingVictorianbuildinghousingcriminal,civil,andfamilydepartments;abraceoflegalsecretaries;andfourreceptionists.Mr.Salter,sixtyish,andRowson,fifty-something,hadstartedthefirmintheearly1980swhenSalterstillhadhairandRowsonwasstillonhisfirstwifeandfamily.
Alargeportionoftheirbusinesswaslegalaid.LauriespentmuchtimeinthemagistratescourtdefendingindividualswhoDancategorizedas“toeragsandscallies.”Hewasincivil,which,asthenamesuggested,offeredaslightlymorestatelypace.Lauriewasoldenoughnottohavetodotheon-callshifts,whereshehadtohackoutatoneinthemorning.
Thecriminaldepartmentwasthelargest,andforreasonslosttothemistsoftime,whenLauriejoinedmorethantenyearsagoshewasseatedinacrappyadjunctofficenexttoBharat—litigation,specializinginmedicalnegligence—andDiana,secretarytoBharatandanyoneelseinthevicinity.
Shewaseventuallyofferedamoveintocriminalnextdoorbutdeclined:she’dalreadystruckupafriendshipwithBharatandDi.
Climbingthestairsthatmorning,theideasheandDancouldconvincinglyfeignbeingonfriendlytermshadbeenambitiousbefore,andwasnowworthyofcousinMunni’ssci-fi.ButLauriehadnofortitudeformakingmajorpersonalannouncements.DidtheyleavetheOtherWomanandtherogueconceptionoutofitatfirst?Howlongwouldittaketheoffice’ssleuthstouncoverit,oncethegamewasafoot?Evenwithouttheweekend’strauma,ithadbeen—countthem—tenweeksnowwithnoonegettingasniffattheirbreakup,butLauriekneweverydaytheywereadayclosertoinevitablediscovery.
“I’mgoingoutonalimbandsayingthe‘curefordeath’idea’sprobablybeendone,severaltimes,”Bharatsaid.“However,thiscouldstillhingeonwhetherLiamNeesonispreparedtoplaythesexysexagenarianwarrior,JeremiahMastadon.”
Laurieforcedalaugh.“I’mofftodefendaDarrenDooley.Youdon’tgetmanyheroescalledDarrenDooley,doyou?”
Alliteration,likeMeganMooney.
“What’sMunnicallingthisfilm?”Dianaasked.
“PROLIFERATION.Butwithsomesortofweirdsemicolonbetween‘PROLIFE’and‘RATION,’”Bharatsaid,scrollinghisemail.“ProLife;ration.Geddit?No?Let’shopetheheadofParamountandLiamNeesondo.OhGod,he’scc’dLiamNeeson!”BharatcollapsedinmirthagainandDianaqueriedhowMunniknewLiamNeeson’semailaddress—“he’llhaveguesseditas‘LiamdotNeesonatHollywooddotcom’”—whileLauriecollectedherfilesforcourt.TheworldhadgonedigitalbutcourtroomsstillrequiredreamsofA4paper.
JamiebloodyCarterappearedinoneofhisnarrowsuitsthatlookedlikehewasinamenswearadvertandshouldbephotographedlaughing,sittingwithhiskneesapartwhileholdingatumblerofmaltwhisky.OrwalkingdownacobbledstreetinaEuropeancitywithadickheadRatPackintow.
Hesaid,“Idon’tmeantopush”—Yes,youdo,Lauriethought,givinghimgrit-teethsmile—“CouldyouupdatemeontheCheethamcase?”
Lauriegavehimabrusquerundownoffthetopofherhead.
“Youdon’tneedtocheckthefile?”hesaid.
“No,Ihavethisthingcalledamemory,”Lauriesaid.Patronizinggit—hewashowold,twenty-eight?
“Ooooh,summarilydismissed!Nicelydone!”Bharatsaid,afterJamieraisedhiseyebrowsanddeparted.“He’saself-suckingcockofaman,isn’the?”DiandLauriechortledevilly.
ThismorningforLaurieheldanassaultonakindlyshopkeeper.Lauriereallydidn’twanttogetherclientareducedsentenceduetofirst-timeoffendingandthecontextofpeerpressure,andyetsheprobablywould.
AsheafofnoteshadgonemissingandLauriewasdelayedfiveminutes,huntingthemout.Acrucialfiveminutes,asitturnedout.
DianacamebackfromthelooandstareddirectlyatLaurie,inanunnervingway.
“WhenwereyougoingtotellusyouandDanhadsplitup?!”
“What?”Lauriesaiddully.
“What?!”Bharatshrieked.
“Dan’stalkingtoMichaelandChrisaboutit.Hesaidthatithappenedawhileback.Andhe’shavingababy?WithsomeoneatRawlings?”
Lauriesuppressedafull-bodyshiverofdespair,afreshwaveofstunnedhumiliation.
“Yeah,it’strue.Alloverawhileback.Ididn’tknowhowtobreakit.Thereitis.”Thatbastard.Hecouldn’tevengiveheraweektocometotermswithitherself.Toshowherfeelingswouldonlyinflametheofficetattle,soshekeptherfaceimpassiveandraisedanddroppedhershoulders.Thesecondsittookthemtosayanythinglastedaneternity.
“Wait,howlongagowasitthatyouseparated,ifhe’swithsomeoneelse?Andhavingababy?”Bharatsaid;itwasfruitlesstodownplayit.
“Monthsback.Don’treallywanttodiscussit.I’mdueincourt.”
Shegotupandstrodeoutquickly,lookingneitherleftnorright,tryingtokeepapokerface.Shecouldstillsensetheheadssnappingupandwhispersfromthereceptionist’sviewinggalleryasshepassed.
AWhatsAppfromBharat.
Bharat
Vsorryifthatwasaninsensitivequestion,Loz,Iblurted,wasn’tthinking.AreyouOK?Xx
Laurie
Yep,thanks,don’tworry.Asmuchasispossible,canyoureassurepeopleI’mfine?You&Icantalkinprivatesometime.Can’tfaceTeamKerry’sgangoflookalikeraptorsinCharlotteTilburydescendingonmeXx
Bharat
LOL.PerfectdescriptionSureXxx
Bharatwasraucousandsilly,buthewasgoodpeople,andshewasdeeplygratefulforhisfriendshipatthatmoment.Heloveddrama,buthewasethicalaboutit:notattheexpenseofthefeelingsofthoseheliked.
HerphonerangwithacallfromDanasshenearedthemagistratescourt.Hewasbreathlessanddiscomposed,aswellhemightbe.
“Laurie,Laurie,Ididn’tdecidetotelleveryone.SomeoneatRawlingssawLouiseHatherleyfromoursatthecopshopandshecamestraightbackandblabbedit,andIhadtofaceitdownasbestIcould.”
“Megan’stoldpeopleatherplace?”
“She’sgotmorningsicknessandrefusedadrinkatsomedolastweekandapparentlysomeoneguessed.”
“Megandidn’thavetosayitwastrue?Ortellpeopleyouwerethedad,didshe?Fuck,Dan,isthiswhyyouonlytoldmethisweekend?”
“Shesaidshepanicked,itcametumblingout.Iwasgoingtotalktoyouabouthowwehandledithere…fuck.”
“Knowsomethingaboutyourmistress,andsoon-to-bemotherofyourchild,Dan?She’safuckinglyingbitch,”Lauriesaid.
Asshespoke,shefeltataponhershoulder,andturned.Thepastypale,grinningfaceofDarrenDooleywasinfrontofher.
“Allright,brief?Wantmetosortheroutforyou?”
Trudgingbacktotheofficefromcourtthatafternoonwasthelongestwalk.DarrenDooleypleadedguiltyandgotoffwithcommunityserviceandasuspendedsentence.BycontrasttoLaurie’sgloom,hewastriumphant.
Comingsecondinahappinesscontestwithaboywho’dthumpedanewsagentinarowoveraresealablepouchofminichocolates,whatevenwaslife?Laurieofferedhimawansmileastheyparted.
“Don’troughupanymorepensionersfromnowon.OK?”
Lauriehadneverfeltthetruthoftheideaofworkbeingacomfortbefore,andmanypeoplewouldn’thavefoundhersacomfort.Butshewasgoodatherjob,anditalwaysfeltlikeanabsorbing,necessarythingtobedoing.
AndshehadhighstandingatSalter&Rowson.Lauriewasnotonlytalented,shewasdiligentandneverrestedonherlaurels.Usuallyitwastheplodderswhowerehardworkingandcareful,andthenaturallygiftedwhodidanIcarus.NotLaurie.Shequicklylearnedthatthescarinessofstandinginfrontofmagistrateswasdirectlyproportionaltohowthoroughlyyou’ddoneyourhomework.Shewasoftenupagainstworse-for-wearposhladsfortheprosecution,almostproudofwingingit,usingcut-glassvowelslikeascythe.Well,Lauriethoughtitwaswaymorerock’n’rolltoknowyourcasebacktofrontandwipethefloorwiththem.
“YourHonor,Ithinkyou’llfindthat,INFACT…”wasthemostoverusedphraseinherworkvocabulary.
Mr.Salterdidn’tbuildanempirewithoutbeingabletospottalent,andhehadseensomethinginLauriefromthestart.
“Youhavethatrareadaptability,”he’dsaidataChristmasdoofyearspast.“You’reabletospeakauthoritativelyincourtandyetstayapproachablewithclients.Nordoyouletthemoreribaldofyourcolleaguesgetariseoutofyou,andwithouteverstoopingtotheirlevel.You’reaone-womanmasterclassinhowtohandlethisjob.”
BharathadmimedtwofingersdownhisthroatbehindSalter’sback,segueingintoanaudaciousblow-jobmimethatonlyBharatwouldrisk,aninchfromhisboss.
WheneverDanadmiredherdedicationinthisway,she’djokethatasawomanofcolorinaman’sworldyouhadtoworkthreetimesashardtobethoughtofashalfasgood.Ajoke,exceptitwastrue.Andshe’dnevergottenintotrouble;sheneverfelloverattheChristmasdo.
Lauriealsoneveraskedforanything,perksorpayrises.Somemalecolleaguesmutteredthatthiswasthekeyreasonforherpopularitywiththebosses.ButDan’sgettingaheadhadbeenthewinforbothofthem.Lauriehadcoachedhimandsupportedhimandurgedhimontogethisdepartmentalheadship.Shefeltvaguelydaftaboutthatnow,asaself-sufficientwoman—ithadneveroccurredtoherthathemightleaveher,andsheshouldbelookingforadvancementforherownsake.She’dnotexploitedherprofessionalpotentialbecauseherfulfillmentwasinherpersonallife.
Thoughinhonesty,asmuchasLaurieknewSalter&Rowsonthoughttheworldofher,shestilldoubtedtheywantedthebiracialwomaninboardmeetings.Danusedtojokethatyouwouldn’tmistakethemforaBenettonposter.
God,shemissedhim.Or,aversionofhimthatwasnowconsignedtohistory.
WhenshereachedSalter’s,theoldestofthereceptionists,Jan,cameracingoutfrombehindherdesktoputanarmaroundLaurie,totutandcoo:“Areyouallright,love?”
“Yes,thanks.Totallyfine.”
“Butno,areyouallright?”
Lauriehadtofindawaytopeelheroffwithoutseemingungrateful,althoughJanonlywantedtogetcloseenoughtomakearudimentaryassessmentofherallrightness,toinformthenexthour’sspeculation.
Theotherthreereceptionistsstaredatherowlishly.LaurieshruggedJanoffasgentlyasshecouldandstumpedupthestairs,consideringthatanyfurtherstatementonhowshewascompletelychillwithherlifepartnernowprocreatingwithsomegingeratRawlingswasonlylikelytomakethemsuspecttheopposite.
PartlywhatwasfuelingthefascinationwastheunlikelinessofherandDanbeingcaughtupinthis.TheBoringSmugMarrieds,thebutterwouldn’tmelts,theordinaryones,thebasics.Theschadenfreudecouldpowerawindfarm.
Upstairswasbarelybetter.
Michaelsawherfromadistance,beyondthetransparentseparationofthecriminaldepartment,andcamedashingoutontothelanding,whileLaurieinternallyscreamed:NO,DON’T.They’dworkedtogetherforalongtimeincriminal,Michaelalsoatherlevel.He’dalwaysmadeitclearheesteemedLaurie,treatedherasoneofthefewsanevoices.
WheneverLauriewalkedintothelion’sdenthatwasthemaincriminaldepartment,she’dlearnedtodealwithanyplayfulladdishverbalsthatwerethrownherwaywithwitandunshockability,puttingantagonistsintheirplace.She’dmasterednavigatingthelockerroomwithoutcompromisingherself,andshewasheldinadegreeofspecialrespectforit.Michaelwasforemostamongherfans,he’dmadeafriendofher.
Once,atdrinksinthepubafterwork,whenasecretarywaswonderingaloudhowapresentablemanlikehimwasn’ttaken(Michaelwashandsome,inaforbidding,Mr.Rochesterway)he’dsaid:“LaurieWatkinson’sgone,sowhybother?Nooneelsewilldo”andthrownaknowingsmileherway.She’dnotmuchminded,moresurprisedtohavehisapprovalthananything:Michaelwasmostlybone-dryandpitiless.Nowshe’dbeenstrippedofherprotectedMrs.Danstatus,shedidn’tknowquitehowtodealwithhim.
“AreyouOK?”Michaelsaid,squeezinghershoulder.
“I’mfine,honestly,”Lauriesaid,uncomfortableatthephysicalcontactbutwithoutawaytostopitthatdidn’tseemrude.
“I’mgobsmacked,Ihavetosay,”Michaelsaid,hotpawstillgrippingher,givingheranintense,unwaveringlookthatsaid:Confideinme,Iamonyourside.
“Itiswhatitis,”Lauriesaidwithabravesoldier’ssmile,hopingifsherepeatedenoughmeaninglessbanalities,shecouldeventuallykilleveryone’sinterestwithboredom.Deathbycliché
“Washe…wasthisgoingonwhileyouwerestilltogether?Itmust’vebeen.God.Whatathing.”
Great,Michael,tactful.Lauriecouldalreadyseehowitwasgoingtogo;lotsofprurientfishing,somehowmadeacceptablebyfirstofferingextravagantcondolences.Claimingtocareaboutsomeoneorsomething,Lauriesaw,couldbehighlymanipulative.Itwasawayofascribingyourselfrights.
“I’mfine,honestly,”shesaid,duckingoutofhislineofsightasshepulledawaytowardheroffice.
Backatherdesk,shesawBharatwasout,whichwasunfortunateashe’dhaveofferedherprotectionanddistraction.Dianasaid,afteratensesilencewhichshespentnear-audiblyscheminghowtoraiseit:“Ifyouneedtotalk,Laurie,we’rehereforyou.”
“Thanks!”Lauriesaidwithatight,brightsmile.
SilencedescendedandDianadartedlooksatLaurieeverysooften,whiletappingrapidlyatherkeyboardatbriefintervals.LauriewastemptedtoneedsomethingfromthefilingcabinetbehindDi,forcingDitoclickawayatfranticspeedfromtheG-chataboutLaurie’swoes.Itwasn’tthatDiwasantiLaurie,butthiswashotoffthepressesandithadtobediscussed.
LaurieWhatsAppedEmily.She’dnottoldheryet.
Laurie
Don’tcallme,asI’matwork,butDan’sgotanOtherWoman,whohe’snowgotpregnant.Nokidding.Instantly.Mr.“I’mnotreadyforyoutostoptakingyourpill.”She’salawyeratanotherplacehere,andtheywereclearlygoodtogooncehe’dleftme.He’stryingtoclaimit’snotanaffairbecausetheywaiteduntilthentosleeptogether.
Emily
HOLYSHIT?WHAT?Idon’tknowwhattosay.Ordo.Iactuallyfeelsick.OhmyGod.
Lauriefeltapinched,stingingsensationatthebackofherthroatthatpresagedtears,andwaiteditoutbeforetypingagain.
Laurie
Behonestwithme:Didyouthinkhehadsomeoneelsefromthestart?HaveIbeenincrediblyslowandstupid?
Itwasstrangethatplainoldembarrassmentshouldplayastarringroleinthisshitshow.Nexttothedecimationofloveandhope,whocaredaboutfoolishness?Andyet.
Emily
NO!Absolutelynot,L.Ithoughthewashavingamidlife,andoncehe’dboughtSonossurroundspeakers,failedtoworkthemultiroomfunctiononthemproperly&maybehadalacklusterboffwithagirlfromthegymwithaMartiniglass–shapedbikiniwax,he’dbecrawlingback.Pregnant?Seriously?AreyouOK?
Laurie
I’monmyknees,tobehonest.CanyoubelieveIhavetoworkwithhim?!!Imusthavebeenagenocidalwarlordinapastlifetodeservethis.Orthekindofpersonwhoputstheirbagontheseatnexttothemonpublictransportinrushhour.
Notonlythat,therewasnowayout.Withanewresponsibilityontheway,Danwouldn’tbegettinganewjob,nevermindhisblatheraboutrethinkinghisprofessionalchoices.Theresultswerein.AndifLauriewent—andwhyshouldshe?—therulesonbeinghiredwithinacertainradius,withinacertaintimeperiod,meantshecouldeitheracceptajobatatinyfirminButtfuck,Nowhere,withahugecommute,orsellherhouseandleaveManchesterentirely.Hey,maybeshecouldsellthehousebacktoDanandMegan!Shejuttedherchinupwardindefianceinthepainatthisthought,andhereyesmetherreflectioninthewindow.Inuncharacteristicthinnessandtiredness,shecouldsuddenlyreallyseehermother.
Emily
Repeatafterme:Youdonotdeserveit.IwillcomeroundassoonasIcan.MayIringDanandcallhimapieceofshit?Idon’twantustoforgettheproperformalitiesinthemiddleofthis
Lauriegrinnedatherhandset.Bestfriendsknewhumorwasprettymuchalwayswelcomeandneeded.
Laurie
Withmygreatestpleasurexxx
ThisnotionpeppedLaurieupslightly,untilsheneededtochecksomethingontheboardinthecriminalofficeandthewholeroomfellintoanawedhushwhensheentered.
Sheforgotwhatevershewassupposedtobeinspecting,staredblanklyatmarker-pennedwordsthatweremerebluesquigglestoher,andwentbacktoherdesk,wonderingif,despitetheimpossibility,shewasinfactgoingtohavetofindanotherjob.
Theday,whichhadlastedseveralmonthsbyLaurie’sreckoning,finallyrolledtoacloseandLauriegotupbangontimetoleave,intendingtomakeasfastandcleananexitaspossible.ShewasinterceptedbyKerry,Salter’sferociouspersonalsecretary.Kerrywasaforty-somethingbottleblondeanddressedandcarriedherselflikeamatriarchfroma1960skitchensinkfilm:leopardskin,cigarettefrequentlyon,andredpleatherhandbags.Lauriecould’vewarmedtoherifshedidn’tknowhertobeatotalviper.
“Laurie.Iwantyoutoknow.We’veallagreed…”
Laurietensedherstomachmusclesandwaitedfortheinevitablenonsenseaboutsolidarity.Danwouldreceivethesame,ofcourse.
“You’refarmoreattractivethanMeganMooney.ShelookslikePrinceHarryindrag.”
“Oh.Thanks,”Lauriesaid,completelyatalossforwhatshewassupposedtosay.Kerrywasterrifying.
“Laurie!Callforyou!”Disaid,hangingoutoftheofficedoorway,andLauriebitdownherirritationthat,strictlyspeaking,whensomeonehadtheircoatonyoushouldtakeamessage.
“Hello,Mrs.Watkinson?”saidanaccentedoldermalevoice,aftersheacceptedthereceiverfromDi.
“Miss,”Lauriesaid.“OrMs.”
“ThisisMr.Atwal,fromAtwal’sNews.TheDoolallyboywhobeatme,youwerehislawyertoday?”
Laurie’sheartsankstillfurther.Itwasrareshegotshit-o-gramsfromthevictimsofthoseshedefended,partlybecausetheseriouscasesshedealtwithgotkickeduptocrowncourt.Itwasuniquelyunpleasant,explainingtosomeonewhyyou’ddoneeverythingyoucouldtominimizetheimpactofwhatthey’dsuffered,andputthebestpossiblespinontheversionofthepersonwho’dinflictedit.Lauriedidn’tthinkshewasinthewrong,butatmomentslikethat,shecouldn’tfeelit.
OhGod.Nottoday,Satan.Shetookadeepbreathandpreparedtojustifyherroleinafairandopenlegalprocess.“Yes?”
“Ithoughtyoumightliketoknow,hecameinandgavemeabottleofwineandaboxofchocolates!Idonotdrink,butthethoughtwasverynice.Hesaidhewasverysorryandyourkindnesshashelpedhimseeabetterway.Welldone,younglady.”
Inamoment,Laurie’srattytempervanished.NotonlywassheverygladtohearDarrenDooleyhadmadeamends,therewassomethingabsurdlytouchinginhimthinkingLauriedoingherjobinacourteousmannerwassomesortofinspirationaltenderness.Poorlad.Whatalifehe’dled.
“That’sgreattohear.I’mverypleasedhehasapologized,Mr.Atwal.IhopethisisacornerturnedforDarrenandthatyoudon’tgetanymoretrouble.”
“Oh,Idoubtthat,”Mr.Atwalsaidinhislovely,musical,old-fashionedcadence,“Therearesomereal,howdoyousay,dismallittlecuntsaroundthesedays.”
Laurieendedtheconversationtryingdesperatelynottohysterical-giggle.Iflifewasentirelydifferent,she’dberepeatingthatphrasetoDantonightwhiletheyfellabout.
Hell,maybeshewouldhireDarrenDooleytoroughuphimandMegan.Itmightgivehimasenseofpurposeandanicefee.
Lauriehatedhowpowerlessshewas,themaskshehadtowearthatateherface.Danhaddonesomuchtoher,andshecoulddonothing.11
“AreyougoingtotheChristmasdo?”DianaaskedonFriday,allinnocence,thoughLaurieknewexactlywhyshewasaskingandDiknewsheknew.
Itwasweeksaway,butS&Ralwaysrevvedupforitassoonastheclockschanged.
“Oh.Hadn’tthought,”Lauriesaid.“Maybe.”
Dianafellquiet,astherewasnothingshecoulddowiththisequivocalresponse.
“Rumorsofkaraoke,”Bharatadded.
“Jesus.Ilongfordeath’ssweetrelease.”
“Don’tknowthatone—ShaniaTwain?”Hepaused.“Icanimagineit’sthelastplaceyouwanttobethisyear,butit’sashameforus,becauseyouaretheveryfinestcompany.”
Intimesofcrisis,yousawthebestofpeopleandtheworstofpeople.Anotherdoseoftheworsthadarrivedyesterday,agruelinglyawkwardphonecallfromDan’smother,Barbara,whowasclearlydesperatetogettheformalityofagoodbyetoLaurieoverwithandgetonwithbeingexcitedaboutherfirstgrandchild.Shehadnotimeforanynegativityaboutherson’sbehavior,simplysayingprimly,whenLaurieventuredacommentaboutitsbrutality:“Ican’tcommentonthat,really,”likeshewasanMPbeinggrilledbyJeremyPaxman.Itturnedout“adoringDan”hadbeenthevitalsharedinterest,andoncegone,therewasnothing.
“Isupposesometimesyouwantwhatyouwant,”wasBarbara’sinsummaryinsightonDan’shistoricfuckery.
TowhichLauriewantedtoreply:Noshit,psychopathswanttostranglestrangerswiththeirstockings—it’spossibletopassaverdictonwhatsomeonewanted,andhowtheywentabouthavingit.
“Thankyou,”LauriesaidtoBharat.“I’venotruledoutgoingtotheparty.”
Yes,shehad.
IthadbeenaworkingweeksincetheDanandLaurieexclusivelandedonfrontpages.Everyonewasstillsubtlyrearrangingtheirpositionsaroundher,figuringoutthealteredrulesofengagement
Michaelkeptaskinghertocomeoutforalunchtimesandwich,andonthedayLauriecouldn’tfobhimoff,shepickedatatunawrapinPret,bracedforhisgambit.
“Howareyou?”camebeforehe’dgottenthecardboardringoffhisplowman’sbaguette
Lauriesaid:“Buggeringon”brightly,and“I’dprefernottotalkaboutitifthat’sOK.”Michaelnoddedinobviousdisappointment;asmuchassheknewhelikedtocomparecaseswithher,itwasthegoreonDan’smessyexitthathereallywanted.
Also,scoretoEmily:Lauriehadindeedreceivedweirdmessagesfrommen.Amongthem,aquietmousyhusbandofacouplethey’dmetonceatTomandPri’s,whovolunteered,“Danmustbemad!”and,withoutmentioninghismaritalstatus:“Anytimeyouwanttogetitoffyourchest,Iamavailablefordrinksandlightsupper.”(Lauriewasn’tgoingtogoanywherenearsomeonewhousedthewords“lightsupper.”)
AndRichard,ashortsolicitoratanotherfirm,contactedher.He’doftenbeentalkativeincourtandobservedonemail:“I’vealwayshadathingforcaféaulait/mixed-racegirls.Youknow,youlooklikeWhitneyHouston(beforeshebecameabitofacrackwhore,Ihastentoadd!).”
Oh,andtheuniversityfriend,Adrian,whoaskedifshewantedtomeetupgivenhewasintownonbusiness,andwhenshepolitelydeclined,replied:“I’minafive-starhotelroom.WhatamImeanttodowiththisenormouserectioninfrontofme?”
Laurieblinkedatthismessageforafullminuteandreplied:“Askhimpolitelytoleave?”
Shescreen-grabbedtheexchangeandsentittoEmily,whosaidshewanteditframedandonherwall.
ItallappealedtoLaurie’ssenseoftheridiculous,untilsherememberedthiswasWhatManyMenAreLike,andthesewerewhatshewasleftwith.Shewasn’tevergoingtoexperiencedesireagain,simpleasthat.
Sothereweretwodatesinthecalendartodread:first,theloomingChristmasparty.WhensheandDanweretogether,theyjointlyinventedareasontomissit.They’dbeencreative:formanyyears,aphonyanniversaryworked.ThenSaltersmoveditbyaweekandtheyhadtofindfreshexcuses.Sotheytagteamed.Onewentoneyear,theotherthenext.Aslongastheeventfeaturedoneofthem,itgavetheappearanceofattendance.
ItwasLaurie’sturntogiveitamiss,bytheoldrules.ButifLaurieduckeditthisyear,everyonewouldknowwhy.AndDanwasaheadofdepartment,sohe’dhavetobethere.He’ddumpedSalter’sfavoritetoimpregnateawomanatthemuchreviledRawlings;he’dwanttoreaffirmhisloyalty.
Lauriehadabinarygrimoption:absenteeism,whichspelledshameandcowardiceandeveryonefeelingsorryforher.Itstankofdefeat.OrapartywithDan,duringwhicheveryonewouldgetpissedenoughtostare,commentate.Thethingspeoplesaidsoberwerebadenough.Janhadalreadyaskedifshe’dhadhereggsfrozen.
LauriehadconsideredaskingDannottogo,andallthingsconsidered,he’dprobablyhavetoobligeher.Thatalsoreekedofdefeat,however.Shedidn’twanthimtoknowshecouldn’tcope.
Theseconddateshefeared:thebirth.Sheknewwhateverrecoveryshethoughtshe’dmanagedwouldbedestroyedthatday.LauriegenuinelymightacceptEmily’sValiumforthat.Chemicallycoshingherwaythroughitseemedtheonlyway.
Oh,andnotforgettingherdad’swedding.Thatpartyloomednextmonth.Lauriefeltlikelifecontainednothingbuthurdles.Hurdles,toil,andsadness.Tooearlyforadrink?
“Youdoinganythingthisweekend?”Bharatasked.
“Notreally.You?”
LauriesmiledasBharattoldherwhat,orratherwho,hewasdoing.(“He’scalledHans,hehasabeardandheiseverybitasgorgeousasAlanRickmanasterroristHansGruberinDieHard!GrubbyHands,I’mcallinghim.”)
Shestaredoutatthestreetlights,chinproppedonpalm,morose.Rainstreakedthefogged-upofficewindows,whichwereforbidding,ink-blackpanelsbyhalffour.Thepreciousdaylightwasoverwellbeforetheworkingdaywas.
Itwasthekindofwuthering,northern,winteryFridaynightthatwasdesignedforbeinginarelationship,Lauriethought.Evenyourwildestnocturnaladventurersmightshrinkfromgoingoutbuccaneeringwhenitwasthisbone-marrowchilling,andsaturatingdamp.Itwasweathermadeforbigsocks,takeawaycurry,Shiraz,andepisodefourofthatspydramathingonNetflix.Lauriewouldstillhaveallthosethingstonight,plusabath.
Shewouldbeinbedbymidnight,tryingandfailingtogostraighttosleep,mindchurningonendlessquestions.Desolateinthedark,doingthekindofcryingwhereyoumakeheavingnoises,facescrewedup,childlike.She’dbeendoingthatoffandoneversinceDanleft,unlessshedrankenoughthatshecouldgotosleepfastenoughtooutrunherimagination.
Laurieneverthoughtofherselfasadependentperson,notatall,butitturnedoutyouneededthings—orpeople—youdependedontobetakenawayfromyoutojudgethat.
BharatandDianaleftandLauriedidherbravest,mostauthenticgrinandwishesforthemto“haveagood’un,seeyouMonday,”knowingfullwellthatassoonasDiwasoutofearshotshe’dbecluckingherpitythatLauriewasn’tatallherself.
Astheclockhitsix,Lauriegaveadeepinward-suckingsighasshethrustthingsintoherbriefcase.Aroundherwerespinningchairs,notmanyatSalter&RowsonplayedpresenteeismonaFridaynight.AndLaurieknewifshestayedlaterthanthis,shemightgetnobbledbyMichael,whowouldcorrectlydeducethatNetflixcouldwait.
Shegottotheliftwithoutanyonestoppingherandfeltreliefasthedoorsrolledshut.Anysmalltalkwasagony.Theplacewasprettymuchdesertednowanyway,justdribsanddrabsandbeyondcloseddoors,MistersSalterandRowson.Whenthedoorswereaninchapart,thetipofanumbrellaappearedbetweenthem,whackingfromsidetoside.Thedoorsstopped,andtiredlytrundledopenagain.
Lauriefeltapangofirritationatherspacebeingthusinvaded,andherjourneybeingdelayed.ThefullyopeneddoorsrevealedJamieCarter,nowrestingtheumbrellaagainsthisshoulder,asifhewasSteedinTheAvengers
Ugh,ofcourseitwashimholdingherup,inaself-consequentialmanner.Ofcoursehecouldn’twaittheforty-fivesecondsitwouldtakeforthelifttotakeLauriedownandcomebackupagain.And,ofcoursehewasmakingthedisplayofbeinglastoutonaFridaynight.
Hegaveheraraffish“forgiveme”halfsmile,andLauriepolite-grimacedinreturn.Yeah,itstilldoesn’tworkonme,prettyboy
Weretheygoingtoattemptstiltedconversation?Shehopednot.SheangledhermouthdownintothefunnelneckofhercoatandstaredatherprimpatentMaryJaneshoes,handgrippingthebagstraponhershoulder,tosignalitwascertainlynotexpected.
Whenhersightflickeredsideways,shesawJamie,cladinasomehowconspicuousdarkcharcoaltrenchcoat,absorbedinhisphonescreen,mirroringherbodylanguage.
Theybumpeddownonefloorinsilence,untilaloudmechanicalscreechingstartledLaurie.JamieCarterfrowned.
Afterabriefsilence,ithappenedagain.Crrrrrrbmmmmpfff,ametal-on-metalsquealingnoisethatmadethemphysicallygrittheirteethTheliftshudderedtoahalt,withthelurchingsensationofadrunktrippingover.Therewereafewunpromisingglitchingnoisesofclickingandwhirring,asiftheliftwasdiscussingwhathadhappenedwithitself.
Then,nothing.12
LaurieandJamielookedateachother.Aqualityofsilencehaddescendedthatseemedquitefinal,intermsoftheliftchangingitsmind.JamieproddedhisindexfingeragainsttheGbuttonseveraltimes.Stillnothing.
“Trygoingbackup?”Lauriesaid.
Jamiepressedthefloor2buttonandagain,noresponse.
HeshookhisheadandjammedhisfingeragainstthebuttonmarkedHELP.
Afteratensefewseconds,thespeakerbelowcrackledintolife.“Hello!Whoisthis?”
“Hi,”Jamiesaid.“It’sJamieCarter,incriminal.Thislifthasstopped.”
“Holdon!”Mickthesecurityguardbellowed.
JamieandLauriegaveeachotherpoliteeyerolls,shouldershrugs.Aminutetickedby.Thenanother.Whatfeltlikeasmallerapassed,andbothJamieandLauriemuttered“fuck’ssake”undertheirbreathinunison,astheyreachedwhatmustbeagargantuansevenminutesofstandinginsilencewithanearstrangerinalift.
“We’reindangerofevolvingasaspecieshere,”Jamietutted,makingLaurielaugh.
“Anynews?”Jamiesaid,afterpressingforattentionagain.
“Isaidholdon!”Micksaid,hisexasperationcarryingthroughthetinnyspeaker.
JamielookedatLaurie,checkedhiswatchunderthecuffofhiscoat;theybothmademoreBritishtuttingnoises,muttered“typical,”didmoreshrugsandmoreeyerolls.
“Youinarush?”Jamiesaideventually.
“No…notreally,”Lauriesaid,feelingherlackofvibrantsociallifewhenstandingoppositetheCaptainofFridayNightPlans.“You?”
“Yep.”Jamielookedatanexpensivelysolidsilverwatchagain.“What’shedoing?”Hepressedthebuzzeragain.“Hi.Stillhere.”
“Ijustsaidholdon!”
“Idon’tknowiftime’smovingdifferentlydownthere,butuphereit’sbeentenminutes.”
Momentsago,LauriehadresentedJamie’sintrusion;nowshefeltquitefortunatetobeabletodelegatethisproblemtothemostentitledandpushyofthefirm’sadvocates.
“Yeah,well,getusedtomoreofthat,”Micksaid.
“What?”Jamie’sbrowfurrowedasheleanedonhisforearmandjabbedtheintercomagain.“Speaktous,Mick.”
“Right…Themaintenancecompanysayit’sgoingtobeanhour.Hangtight.”
Jamie’sbrowfurrowedfurtherandLauriegasped.
“Sorry,thatsoundedlikeyousaidanHOUR?”Jamiesaid.
Pause.Crackle.“Atleast.Sorry.Howmanyofyouarethere?”
“Twoofus.Myselfand…”Jamielookedover.
Lauriecouldn’thelpbutgrinasastrickenblanknessspreadacrosshisface.
“Laura?!”hesaidtriumphantly,palmsup,ahowdidIdo?toplayupthefacthehadn’tbeensure.
“Laurie,”Lauriecorrected,withasmile.
“Laurie.Iknewthat!Sorry.Longweek.”
“Doacrosswordtogether,”Micksaid,audiblychortling.
“Hafuckin’har,”Jamiesaid,afterlettingthebuttongo.“Anhour?!”
Helookedathiswatch.“Fuck’ssake.Goneseven?”Jamiefiddledwithhisphone.“Nocoverageatall?!FuckingHELL.”
ThisaspectofcaptivitywasobviouslyamajorstingforJamieCarter,whereasLauriewouldn’thavethoughtaboutwhethershecouldgetonlineorcallanyoneforanotherfiveminutesatleast.MaybeDanwasright,maybeshehadbecomeinsularandboring.ShouldshebetryingtoSnapchatwithdogearsfilters,frominsidethisFaradaycage?
Jamieyankedhiscoatsleeveup,checkedthetimeagain—althoughinthelastminute,Lauriewasguessingithadonlymovedforwardbyaminute—andjabbedathisphoneagainandthenwaggledit.“Whataboutyou?”
LaurierifledherowniPhoneoutofherbagandpeeredatthescreen.Itwascoveredinspiderycracksandfractures.Itlookedlikeshefelt.Sheshookherhead.
“Absolutelywonderful,”Jamiesaid,lookingathisphoneagainindisgust.Hethrewhisumbrellaandbriefcasedownandpressedthebutton.
“Hi,Mick.Wouldyoudomeafavor—wouldyoucallmydatefortonightandtellherI’mtrappedinalift?”
Laurielaughedoutloud,arealbellylaugh.
“What?”Mickbarked.
“Callher.AndsayI’mtrappedinalift,putourdatebackanhour.”
Wait,hewasserious?
“OK,here’shernumber…”JamiereaditfromhisiPhone.“0-7-9-1…”
Jamietookhiscoatoffashedidso,shuckingitoverhisshouldersinamannerthatsomehowfeltshowyeventhoughhewassimplytakingacoatoff.
“What?”hesaid,glancingover,unbuttoningacuffandrollingasleeveup.
“He’sgotajobtodo,he’snotyourPA!”
Jamierolledhiseyesandignoredher.
“Nooneisansweringthatnumber,”Micksaidovertheintercommomentslater
“IbetshethinksanunrecognizedManchesterlandlineisPPI.”Jamiesighed.“Thanksfortrying,Mick.”Herolleduphisothersleeveandsatdown,sighingheavily.
Laurierealizedtherewasnolongeranyreasonforhertobestandingupeither,andfollowedsuit.
“Areyouclaustrophobic?”Jamiesaid.
Laurieshookherhead,self-consciousthatthewaveofpanicshe’djustfeltwasobviouslyvisible.
Shewastellingthetruth;shewasn’t,toherknowledge,claustrophobic.Butrightnowshe’dbeenunexpectedlyreacquaintedwiththesensationofbreakingherarmasakid,havingaheavyplastercastonit,andwakingupinthedeadofnightfreakingout:“Getitoffme,getitoffme!”She’dbeenfineinthislift,untilthatverysecond,whenthefourwallspressedinandwithnohopeofescape,herchesttightened,andherfistsclenched,nailsdiggingintoherpalms.
“Breathe,”Jamiesaid,watchingLaurie.“Concentrateonbreathing.We’llbeoutofherebeforeyouknowit.”
Despitewhatshesaid,hewassmartenoughtospotshewasn’tcoping.Typicallawyers,shethought.Wereadpeopleconstantly.Wedon’tnecessarilycareaboutwhatwediscover,butwereadthem
Shebreathed,andcalmed.
LaurieandJamiehadexhaustedpolite,banalchataboutSalter&Rowson’sinternalpolitics,andthegnarlyattitudesofcertainmagistrates,andtheclockhadbarelyshifted.TwelveminuteshadpassedsinceLaurielastlooked.
Outthere,6:25p.m.would’vearrivedwithoutnoticing,itwould’vebeenaneyeblink,alongstrideintheshortdistancetothetram.Inhere,itwasaneternity.
JamiesawLaurieclickingherphoneagitatedlytocheckthetimeandsherememberedheknewshecouldn’tbepickingupmessages,andstopped.
“Howisitonlytwenty-fivepastsix?”shesaidmournfully.
“Yeah,thisfeelslikethefilmInterstellar,”Jamiesaid.“IfMatthewMcConaugheycamebacktoEarthandhisdaughter’sanoldwoman,mydate’sprobablymarriedwiththreekidsbynow.”
“Hasthistakenarealcraponyourplans,then?”Lauriesaid.“Wasitafirstdate?”shesaid,ina“I’mnotjustanuptightworkaholic!”way,shehoped.
“Yeahitwas.AndGina,twenty-nine,fromSale,isnotlikelytobeimpressedatbeingstoodup.WemetonTinder,actually,soshe’llbeontofiveotherstandbysafterhalfanhour.Ginatwenty-ninefromSalewaitsfornoman.”
Laurielaughed:thissoundedlesslikedating,morelikestudyingamenuinaspecialistsauna.Shewasn’tmadeforbeingsingleinthistime.Asadweightpressedonherribs.
Tinder.OrDeliveroofordick,asEmilycalledit.Laurieinwardlyshuddered.
Theintercombuzzed.“Hello?”
Jamiewasonhisfeetinonebounce,inafeatofagility:“Mick!Hello!”
“Hello.There’sgoodnewsandbadnews.”
Jamiesagged.“Thebadfirst?”
“It’sgoingtobeanotherhour.Sorry.”
“Oh,forfu—AndtheGOOD?”
“They’recertainit’llonlybeanhourfromnow.”
“Mick,that’sallbadnews!”
“Sorry.”
Jamieturnedbackandslithereddownthewall.
“Permissiontocry,Laura?”
“Laurie!”
“Haha,ohGod,sorry.I’vegotablindspotwhereI’mdeterminedtocallyouLaura.I’mturningintomydad.LOOKITUP,MARJORIE!”
LaurielaughedagainanddecidedtoenjoyJamie,whenhewastheonlypleasuretobehad.
“It’saverycoolname.Isitafteranyoneoranything?”headded.
“LaurieLee,whowroteCiderwithRosie.”
Jamiesquinted.“Wasn’theaman?”
“Verygood!”Lauriesaid.“FivepointstoSlytherin.”
“Ohwow,presumedignorant.AndI’minSlytherin,amI?”Jamiesaid.Lauriegrinned.
Resignedtotheirfate,theycrossedanimaginaryboundary—shefeltherselfrelax—wheremakingthebestoflimitedresourcesforentertainmentfeltoddlynice.LikethefinaldaysbeforeChristmas,whereyoucan’twaittobreakoutonholiday,butnoone’sdoinganyworkandarepeltingeachotherwithQualityStreetcandy.Sometimesit’smoreenjoyablethantheholidayitself.Mustbesomethingtodowithreliefofhavingchoicesremovedandexpectationsverylow.Lauriewonderedifshewasachronicoveranalyzer.
“CiderwithRosiewasasettextformyEnglishLitGCSEsoIwon’tpretendtobebetterreadthanIam,”Jamiesaid.
“AndyougottheHarryPotterreferencetoo—don’tbehardonyourself,”Lauriesaidwithasmile.“Mymumdidn’tknowLaurieLeewasaman,shejustlikedit.It’sverymuchlikemymumtotrotofftoregisterthenamewithoutevencheckingshehadthegenderright.”
Jamiesmiledback.
“IwishIhadaquirkystoryaboutmyname,butnah.”
Silencefellagain.Jamiehunghisglossilycurlyhead,temporarilyoutofconversation.
Theyhadanotherhourtokill.Lauriedecidedtochanceherluck.
“Itdidn’tworkoutwithEve,then?”
“Eve?”Jamielookedupandhisforeheadcreasedinwhatseemedgenuineratherthanfeignedconfusion.Shewasprobablyafewconquestsago,tobefair,Lauriethought.
“NieceofMr.Salter?Longhair?IsawthetwoofyouintheRefugebackinthesummer,remember?”
“Ohhhh,Eve!”Jamiesaidinapossiblyfakedmomentofcomprehension.“Nah.Wentoutfordinnerandcareeradvicechat,butthatwasit.Morethanmylife’sworthanyway,whatwiththefamilyconnectionshere.Likemessingwithamafioso’swife.Andshe’sveryyoung.”
TherewasapauseasLaurieintuitedJamiewasdoingsomeinternalsums,inlightofLaurie’sknowledge.
“Youdidn’tsayanythingtoanyoneelsehereaboutseeingus,didyou?”
“Nope.WhywouldI?Youaskedmenotto,ifIrecallright.”Althoughifyoudidn’tdoanything,whysoedgy?Lauriethought.
“Well,thanks,”Jamiesaid.“There’slotsofpeopleherewho’dhaveitonaglobalemailbeforethey’dknockedthelidofftheirmacchiato.”
“It’saverygossipyplace,”Lauriesaid.
“You’retellingme.Ioweyouone.”
“Youdon’toweme,don’tworry,”Lauriesaid,tryingnottosnortatwhatsortof“one”Jamiemightoweher.“Ican’tstandthewaypeopleherefeelentitledtoknowothers’business.”
“Hah.Agreed.”
AnothersilencedescendedandLaurieknewitwasbecauseJamiewasinaquandary:theonlyotherpossibletopicwasherex,andyetthatfellundercategoryheading:otherpeoples’business.
“You’re,er…separatedfromDanPriceincivil,isthatright?”
Heriskedit.ProbablyforthesamereasonsLauriementionedEve.IfMickhadgiventhematimeframeoffifteenminutes,therewaslittlechancethatthesehotpotatoeswouldbegailylobbedabouttheplace.
“Ohyeah.Asseparatedasyoucanbe,”Lauriesaid,andtriedforasatiricalsmirkthatcameoffasstrained.
“Idon’tknowhimthatwell,”Jamiesaid,andtrailedoff,obviouslystrugglingtojudgewhatwasappropriate.
“IfeellikeifIsayanythingpoliteabouthim,it’llstickinmythroat,andifIsayanythingnegative,it’llmakemelookbitter,”Lauriesaid.“Safetosayworkingtogetherisfuckingawful.”
Lauriethoughtagainaboutthedaytocome,whenDandashedoutbecauseMeganwasinlabor.Havingtohearaboutitontheofficegrapevine,theglances,thewhispers,Who’sgonnatellher.She’dbeexpectedtoputherangerasideandwishhimwell.Ababycarriesallbeforeit—howcouldLaurie’sfeelingsmattermore?
HowDanwouldbeinafloatingstate,partlyduetosleeplessness,andbrieflyimaginethehatchetcouldbeburiedinthewashofloveandwonderhefelt.ShecouldimaginethehorrificallymisjudgedLaurie,meetmyson/daughterxxtextandphotoalready.Theretractionlater,whichwouldcomeviamutualfriends:Hefeelssostupidaboutthat,he’dbeenupfortwenty-sevenhoursstraight.Itwasadifficultbirthintheend—ventouse,Ithink—andyou’restillverymuchapartofhim/onhismind.
Thenthey’dthinktheycouldtellLauriehe’dtakennaturallytofatherhood,asifthatwasn’takintodrivinghotnailsintoherhandsandexpectinghertosay:Oh,that’snice.It’sanillwindthatblowsnooneanygood:fromtheashesofuscomesthemiracleofnewlife.It’sanillfuckingwindallrightandI’llgivehimaventouse.
She’dbefuriousandscorchedbythisuntiltheendofherdays.Shefeltdeliriousthinkingaboutit.
“Ibetit’sanightmare,”Jamiesaid.“IactuallyleftthelastfirmIwasatinLiverpooloverasimilar,uh,complication.Notanythinglikeasseriousarelationship.Butwedidn’tfunctionwellascolleagues,after.”
Lauriesuppressedasmileandnodded.Noshit,JamieCarterhadleftanangrytrailofwomeninhiswake.However,he’dinadvertentlyhitonarichseamofconversation—Liverpool.HeandLauriediscussedthecitysheknewfromheruniversityyearsversustheoneheknewfromhistwenties,andthatlaunchedthemintostudenttimes,andthepressuresoftheirearlylawyering.Lauriewasstartingtofeellightpressurefromherbladdertoo.ShehadvisionsofhavingtosquatinthecornerwhileJamieCarterturnedhisbackandwhistledaMaroon5tune.
Eventually,liketheVoiceofGod,Mickinterruptedontheintercomandsaid,“We’regettingyoumoving!Onlyacoupleofminutes,”andbothofthemwhoopedtheirrelief.
TheliftjoltedintolifeandLauriewould:(1)nevertakeitsmovementforgrantedagainand(2)begettingthestairsfromnowonanyway.
Mickwaswaitingforthemonthegroundfloor,lookingdelighted.
“Wereyouabouttostartdrinkingyoururine?”
“I’mcertainlygoingtodrinksomeimportedCzechurinenow,”Jamiesaid.
“Hellyes,”Lauriesaid,andwonderedifsheandJamieCarterwouldeverspeakagain,outsideshoptalk.Sharingthisordealwaswortha“hi”inthecorridorandaheadnodiftheireyesmetindepartmentalmeetings.Maybenotmuchmore.
Theysaidtheirheartygood-nightstoMick,andthankedtheirsavior,themanintheboilersuitwiththemonkeywrench.
AsJamieheldthefrontdoorforLaurie,hesaid:“Hey.Youmightverymuchwanttogetstraightoff,andpleasesaysoifyoudo.Butgivenwe’vebothhadourFridaynightstrashed,fancyaquickdrink?Drownoursorrows?”
“Oh…?Sure.”
Lauriesurprisedherselfbynotonlyacceptingbutwantingto.Shewassecretlygratifiedthatafteranhourandahalfofconfinementtogether,hedidn’twanttogetawayfromherasfastaspossible.Andshedidn’tthinkforasecondJamiewastryingitoneither.Sheunderstoodwhathemeant,shefeltittoo:goinghomenowtodinnerforonewaspuresurrender.Theycouldn’tlettheliftwin.
“Niceone,”Jamiesaidwithadazzlingsmile,andshemomentarilysawaflashofthepowersthatinflamedbosses’nieces.13
TheywenttoTrof,anartfullyscruffybarforhipsteryouthandmiddleyouthintheNorthernQuarter,barmeninbeanieswithbeards,onthebasistheusualpubnearbywouldbeoverrunwiththeirown.
Whatifanyonesawthem?Lauriewasn’tworried,despitebeingrecentlyuncoupled.Whensheaskedherselfwhy,itwasbecausetheideasheandJamieCarterwouldhaveadalliancewassuchaleap,thespeculationwouldn’tgetoffthestartingblocks.She’dexplainandguffawandeveryonewouldconcede,Yeah,wewerereaching,there.Lauriedidn’tknowwhethertofeelreassuredorsaddenedbythis.
Insomesortofdevilishlybrilliantcoincidence,“You’reSoVain”wasplayingatvolumeastheyentered,asiftheyknewJamieCarterwalkedintobarslikehewaswalkingontoayacht.
Laurielovedtheinterior’sgoldenglowandheavingwarmth,comparedtotheviolet-blackcoldofManchesteroutside.Shedidlikebeingaroundpeople,sherealized,justnotpeoplesheknewandwasrequiredtotalkto.
“What’reyouhaving?”
“Bigredwineplease,”Lauriesaid.
“Rightyouare.”
Whatwashisaccent?Itwasn’tstraight-upnorthernbutitdefinitelywasn’tsoutherneither.
Jamiepushedhiswayintothescrumatthebar.Hehadasortofnaturalswaggershe’dadmittedlyprobablyloatheinamemberofherownsex.WatchingwomenwatchJamie,Laurieallowedherselfasplitsecondoffeelingrelevantandhipbybeingwithhim,eventhoughshewasn’twithhim.Shethrewherscarfdownandhummedalong:
Yougaveawaythethingsyouloved
Andoneofthemwasme
LauriewonderedifthissongwasinfactaboutDan,andherdreamshadbeencloudsinhercoffee.Danwould’vebeenjealousofherbeingoutwithsomehandsomeinterloper,onceuponatime.You’rewhere?Whataboutyourdinner?Why’sheaskedyouout,mightIask?
She’dlostDan’sinterest,shedidn’tknowwhen.Sheneededtoidentifytheweek,theday,themoment.Thehabitsshe’dgottenintothatmust’vesnuffedouthisinterestbitbybit.
Now,Danneitherknewnorcaredwhereshewas.Itwasfunnybeinginaraucousbarnlikethis,notpsychicallytetheredtohim.Hersoulconcavedandsheforcedherselfnottothinkabouthim,orhiseveningdispensingfootrubsandleafingthroughtheJoJoMamanBébécatalogue.
“HasGinabeenintouch?”Lauriesaid,afterJamiereturnedwiththedrinks,andshesawhimsurreptitiouslyglanceathisiPhone.
“Yeah,IexplainedmypredicamentandshethinksI’mmakingitup,sothat’sthat.Tobefair,itdoessoundabitmadeup.Whataboutyou?Not‘backoutthere’yet?”
“Ah.No.I’mscheduledtoget‘backoutthere’inabout2030,Ithink.”
“Quitters’talk!Wasitabadbreakup?”Heputhislipstohispint.“Don’ttellmeifyoudon’twantto.”
“Youdidn’thear?”
“No.Peopledon’ttellmemuchandIdon’treallyask.Onlyhe’swithsomeoneelseandnoonesawitcoming.Typicalofourplacethatthey’dexpectto—What’sitgottodowiththem?”
LauriegaveJamieaprécis.Shesharedmorethansheintended.Onceshe’dstartedspeakingtoaneutralparty,itwaslikestaringintotheunjudgmentalfaceofacounselor.
Excepthedidjudgeit.AtleastJamieCarter,manoftheworld,doinganauthenticjawdropatthesedetailsconfirmeditwasashockingordeal,eventoasoullesswomanizer.
“Fuck!Knockedupalready?Oh,Laurie.Thatsoundstorrid.Havingtostillshareanoffice,beyondgrim.Can’tyoumakehimfindanotherjob?”
SheknewsympathyandliberaluseofhernamewaspartofJamieCarter’srepertoire,hisdeliberatecharm,butsheletherselfbecharmedbyitanyway.Also,hewasprobablyemphasizingheknewhernamenow.
“Nope.He’sgotakidtosupportsoon.”Lauriesaidthesewordsquickly,beforeshecouldcareaboutthem.“Ican’timaginehe’llbewillingtomove.She’sgotagoodjobhere.AndIdon’twanttolosemyhouse;mymortgagehasgottenmuchbigger.Idon’twanttocommute.Iwon’tlethimmakemeleave.I’mtrapped!”
Jamieshookhishead.
Laurieconcluded,“I’mprobablygoingtospendtherestofmylifefiguringoutwhatthehellhappened.”
“He’snotworththatmuchofyourtime,”Jamiesaid,knockinghisglasstohers,andLaurieappreciatedit,whilethinking,fromthemanwho’dnevergiveanyonemuchofhis.
“Another?”shesaid,makingtogetup,asthey’ddrainedthefirstroundfast.Lauriewaslikingbeingoutandhopedwhenhesaidonedrinkhe’dmeantthreetofour,aswasBritishtradition.
“No,”Jamiesaid,andLaurieconcealedherpangofdismay.HegesturedatLaurierisinginherseat,tositdown.
“Imeanyes,butletme.Youdeservetableservice,andIwantsomepeanuts.Orwasabicashewsorwhateverit’llbehere.”
Lauriebeamed.
Withthesecondround,andthenathird,Lauriemust’vehadprettymuchabottleofredwineonanemptystomachandshewasbeingalevelofcandidwithJamieshewasgoingtoregretinthemorning.Yetshecouldn’tstopherself.
“I’veneverbeenavengefulperson,butIhavefantasiesofbringingDantohisknees.Iwanthimsobbingandbeggingformetotakehimback,eventhoughIknowit’llneverhappen.Itrunsthroughmyveinslikelava—Icanphysicallyfeelit.”
“Yeah,Igetthat.I’vebeenthatangryattheworldinmytime.Howwouldyoudoit?”
Sheshrugged,grinned.“Haven’tfiguredthatoutyet,haveI?”
“It’llcometoyou.You’vegotalookinyoureyethatclearlystatesyou’renottobefuckedwith.”
Laurienodded,pleased.Iftherewasonethingshe’dlearnedtonight,Jamiewaseasycompany.Shewouldn’ttrusthimasfarasshecouldthrowhim,buthewasagoodcrack.Craic,whatever.Ooh,inebriationfeltnice.Anescapefromherself.Laurierolledabeermatonitsedge,caughtitinherotherhand.
“CanIaskyousomething?WastherumortruethatSaltertoldyounottotouchhisniece?Whatdidhesay?Ican’timaginehowhephrasedit.”
Jamielaughed.“Oh,thatdidtherounds,didit?IswearKerrylistensatthedoor—Ican’tbelievehe’sstupidenoughtotellherasmuchsheknows.”
“I’msureshedoes.Orshe’sbuggedtheroom.She’sourownWikiLeaks.”
“It’sbothtrueandnotthewholetruth.AmIspeakinginconfidencehere?”
LaurieheldupherhandanddidaScout’shonorsign.“I’vebeenrelyingonthatsincehalfwaythroughmyfirstwine,tobehonest.”
“ItwaswarningmeoffEve,butmorethanthat,awhole‘getyourlifetogetherifyouwanttogeton’gruffpaternallecture.”
“Wow,seriously?Bitmuch?”
“I’veappliedtobemadepartner.”
Lauriedidadoubletake.“Like,thirdwheel?Aren’tyou…quiteyoungforthat?”
“IwenttoseethembothandsaidIamyoung,butI’mcompletelycommittedanddefinitelyready.”
Herewasthewhite-hotambitionthatputbacksupandnosesoutofjoint.
“Yeah.Iwanttotakeontonsmoreworkforastake.Iprettymuchpitchedthemmyvisionforthefutureofthefirm,forhalfanhour.Theysaidthey’dthinkaboutit.”
Laurieswirledherwineinherglass.
“Whatwasthelifecoachingabout?”
“WhenEvearrived,Salterhadmeintosay,sheisoff-limits,butalsoamajorstickingpointinpromotingmeismy”—Jamiemadeairquotes—“‘lifestyle.’‘You’resomeonewecan’ttrustaroundthewivesandgirlfriendsattheChristmasparty.’”Hedidabaritoneimitationvoice:“‘Thatmatters,youngman,whetheryoulikeitornot.’”
“Hahaha.Bloodyhell.”
“Yeah,Imean,they’reold-fashionedandconventional,aren’tthey.Theyonlyunderstandlong-termpartners,marriage.TwobytwoontotheArk.”
“It’sabitmuchtosaytheycan’tpromoteasingleperson!JesusChrist,isit1950?”Lauriewould’vethoughtthisunfairanyway,butinhercurrentpredicamentshewonderedifaspinsterwouldalsoberuledout,andherbloodheated.
“It’snotsingleperse,it’smykindofsingle.Beingseenoutwithsomeonedifferenteveryweekend.Playingthefield.Itcould,andIquotethiswordforword,‘leavethecompanyvulnerabletoblackmail.’No,Ihavenoideawhatthatmeanseither.”
“Ohno,”Lauriesaid.Then,indiscreetindrink:“Dickpics.Theymeandickpicsandrevengepornandsextapes,surely?”
“Oh,jeez…yeah,youmightberight.”
JamielookedslightlyuncomfortableandLaurierealizedshe’dbeenatrifledirectandcrude.She’dindirectlyreferredtohis…kingandprivycouncil,asDan’sdadcalledit.HisjunkArgh.She’dnotcongratulateherselfonthismomentwhensheawokeblearilytomorrow.
“Ifonlythey’dasked,Icould’vetoldthemofmystrict‘nomakingorsendinggrot’policyandgiventhemaccesstomyiCloudtoproveit.I’mnotalawyerfornothing.”
Laurielaughed.
“So,eitherIgetmyselfasteady,respectablegirlfriendbytheirend-of-yeardeadline,ornonameabovethedoorforme,”Jamieconcluded.
“Theywerethatprescriptive?”
“Oh,itwascoded.Youknow.Unlesssomethingchanges…”
“Isthatlikely?”
“Putitthisway.I’mkindofacommunistwhenitcomestorelationships.”
“Youthinkweshouldallbestateowned?”
“Ithinkwhenevertheyfail,wefocusonwhatspecificpeopledidwrongwithinthesystem,overlookingthefactthatthewholeinstitution’srottenanddysfunctional.Idon’tthinkitworks—cohabiting,monogamy.Imean,Ithinkitworks,practically—halvingthecostofliving,gettingamortgage,raisingkids.Icanseewhycapitalistsocietywantsustoorganizeourselvesthatway.Thenthegovernmentdoesn’thavetofindyoufull-timenursingcarewhenyouhavethemassivestroke,becausesomeonestoodupinachurchandtoldaGodtheydidn’tbelievein,fiftyyearsago,they’dwipeyourarse.”
“Wow,”Lauriesaid.“Iwishsomeonewouldwritetheirownvowsandusethoseexactlines.‘Ipledgetokeepyourbumcleftclean.’Certainlybetterthanthat‘Iwillalwaysmakeyourfavoritebananamilkshake’BS.”
Jamielaughed,abody-shakinglaugh,andshecouldseehewastakingtoher,perhapsmorethanheexpectedto.Shewantednothingfromhim,andshewasbright,hisequal,anddryofhumor.Thesethingsmightbeanovelty,givenwhoheromanced.
“Butworksemotionally,makesyouhappy?”Jamiesaid,swirlinghisdrink.“Notsomuch.It’susuallyafostereddependencyonsomeoneyousleptwithandfeltbrieflypassionatefeelingsforinyourtwenties,andyoufeelguiltymovingononceitstimehaspassed.Infact,thatguiltisoftenthetriggerforputtingtherootsdown,tyingyourselfintoit,convincingyourselfit’sasgoodasitgets.I’vebestmannedafewweddingswherethatistheexactdescriptionofwhat’sgoingon.It’stheleastromanticthingimaginable.Yokingyourselftosomeoneyou’vebeenhavingthesamedisappointingmissionarywithsincefreshers’week.”
Laurietwingedhardatthedirectrelevance.
“Greatbestman!”
“Hahaha.IleftthepartwhereIthinkmarriageisagrotesqueharmfulshamoutofthespeech.No,Imean,Idon’tpushmycontroversialviewsonotherpeople.Liveandletlive.”
“ButyouwereinarelationshipinLiverpool?”
“Ah.Nah.Shewantedittobethat,andIthoughtasemiregularcopoffwasasemiregularcopoff.I’mvery…upfrontaboutmyprioritiessincethatexperience.Leavinganyroomfordoubtcangobadly.”
LauriewasequalpartsfascinatedandrepelledbyJamie’scynicism.
“Ithinklong-termrelationshipsarethemostpotentdemonstrationofthesunkcostfallacyyou’lleversee,”Jamiesaid.
Lauriepickedupasmallhandfulofdryroastedandthrewthemintohermouth.Sheonlynoticed,onchewingthem,howwildlyhungryshewas.“Meaning?”
“Thedefinitionofsunkcostfallacyisarefusaltochangesomethingthatmakesyouunhappy.Youwon’t,becauselookatthetimeandmoneyandeffortyou’llhavewastedifyoudo.Whichofcourseonlymeansmorewaste.”
HadthisbeenwhatDandecided?
“Well.Happyweekendtome.You’reasmuchfunasfallingintoabarreloftits,aren’tyou!”Lauriesaid,andsheandJamiebothburstintoloud,alcohol-fueledlaughter.
Jamiepaused.“Noneofthisisremotelypersonalbytheway,notasifIknewyouandDanasacouple.”
“Nonetaken.”Lauriewavedherhand.“Whataboutfallingmadlyinlovethough?Don’tyoumakeanyallowancesforthat?”
“Ido,Ionlyhopeitneverhappenstome.Itlooksfromtheoutsidetobeatemporaryheightenedmanicstateduringwhichyoudoyourselfallkindsofdamageandmakerecklesspromisesyoucan’tkeep.”
“Hahaha.Iguessit’sthattoo.”
“That’sallitis,I’msureofit.”
Lauriehadnocomebackthatdidn’tseempitiful,givenhercircumstances.
“Hey.IhopepoorGina,twenty-nine,fromSale,isn’tlookingforasoulmateifshe’smeetingguyslikeyou?”
“Oh,I’mprettyconfidentthat’snotthekindofmatingshe’slookingfor,”Jamiesaidwithawolfishknowingglance,andLauriesaid,“Blee.”14
“I’vehadanabsolutelymadidea,whileatthebar,”Jamiesaid,andLauriesincerelyhopeditdidn’t—shock,horror—involvegettingnaked.Shewouldfeelbothembarrassedforhimanddismayedbyhim.“It’seitherafitofdivineinspirationorthestupidestnotionevertospringintoahumanmind.”
“Highstakes,here,”Lauriesaidbullishly,butshecringed.Himsettingituplikethismeantitwaspotentiallyembarrassingifshesaidno.She’dnothadsomuchasahintofsleazefromJamie,but,well.Thatmightbethesecretofhissuccess.
“YouwanttogetbackatDanPrice?Realistically,unlessyoumeanthekindofrevengethatcouldseeyougettingsenttoprison,thatwillinvolvemakinghimangry,bewildered,andjealous,amIright?”
“Yes…?”OhGod,hewasgoingtotryiton?I’vegotafiendishplan—itinvolvesyousittingontopofme.What’sinitforme?Oh,merelythejoyofseeingyouprevailoverthisterriblegentleman
“Ineedtoshowmyconventionalsettlednesstogetthispromotion.”
“Yeeesss…?”
OhGod.
“Whatifwepretendedweweredating?Properwhirlwindromance,stuffoffairytales.Socialmedianowadaysistheperfectplaceforshowingoff.”
“Meandyou?”
“Yes.Imean,IknowI’mnotasgoodforyourbrandasyou’dbeformine,”Jamiesaid,takingadeepglugofhisbeer.
Lauriesensedbehindthebravado,hewasslightlynervousaboutherresponse.Thisseemedanoddreversalofpower.Hewastheoneeveryonewantedtobeseenwith.Allthegirlsdreamedthatthey’dbeyourpartner.
“Howwoulditwork?”
“Wecouldpostloved-uppicturesonFacebook,Instagram,whatever.Praiseeachothertotheskies.AlloverbyChristmas,onceit’sserveditspurpose,becausethey’llgivemeaverdictonthepartnershipbythen.Butwebothgoaroundsayingwe’llalwayscareabouteachotherorwhatever.Ano-faultdivorcewherewestaybestoffriends.”
“Peoplewouldbuyit?YouandIhavebarelyspokenbeforenow.”
Laurieshrankfromsaying:NooneisgoingtothinkHermioneGrangerhereishavingitoff,bigstyle,withDracoMalfoy
“Ifwesellitwellenough.”
“YouthinkSalterandRowsonwouldapprove?AmIreallyimpressiveenoughtogetyouyourpromotion?”
“Areyoukidding?!You’rethegoldengirl.Thehaloedone.Thestar.Salteradoresyou.Istruggletothinkofanyone’simagewhocoulddomemoregoodbyassociation.”
“Yousaythis,andyoudidn’tknowmynameearlier!”
Jamiecoveredhiseyeswithhispalm.“Aaaargh.OnlybecauseMichaelreferstoyouasLozza.IcouldhardlycallyouLozzaandcouldn’trememberwhatitwasshortfor.”
Laurielaughed.
“AndDanwouldthinkI’dmovedonandwashavinganabsoluteball?”Laurietoyedwiththestemofherwineglassandthought,Dammitifthisideadoesn’thaveimmediateappeal.
Shewasflattered.Mightaswelladmitthatelementtoherself.JamieCarterwaspreparedtopubliclydeclarehimselfinlovewithher?ThisGreekGodwaspreparedtoanointherhisPhonyGoddess?Itdidfeellikethemost-longed-forboyinschoolaskingyoutoprom.
It’sbecauseyou’reinfavorwithMr.SalterandMr.Rowson,sheremindedherself.You’reswotgirloffsettinghisloucheimage,remember.ThewholePOINTisyou’renotanaturalchoiceforhim—you’resubvertingtherock-star-and-supermodelexpectation.
“Oh,we’dmakesureitwasobnoxiouslyromantic,”Jamiesaid.“We’dblowTomHanksandMegRyanoutofthewater.We’dmakeSleeplessinSeattlelooklikeaKenLoachfilm.”
“Hahaha.Hmmm.Imean,ifIwantedtomesswithDan’shead…it’scertainlynotwhathe’sexpecting…”
LaurieknewthatthisurgetohurtDan,togethisfullattentionagain,wasbeneathherandunhealthy.Sowhat,though?Life,shehadrealizedfully,wasextremelyunfair.
“Idon’tknowDanPriceverywell,butIdoknowmalepsychology,”Jamiesaid.“Washeeverjealous?”
Laurienoddedvigorously.“Alot.Very.”
Shewantedthisknown.Shehadmattered,once.
“ThenIpromiseyou,hecanbeagain.Wecouldhelpeachother.”
HefixedhisgazeonhersteadilyandLaurieknewshewasgettingavariantofhisseductionroutine.Lauriehadnevermetaproperladies’manbefore,onlygobbyladswhofanciedthemselvesasbusyscorecardshaggersandweren’tworthyofthetitle,really.
Shewasanthropologicallycurious.Tootherwomenthismustbemagic,andtoheritwasacardtrick.She’dquiteenjoydoingaPenn&Telleronhisact,deconstructingit.
ShelookedatJamie’sintensedarkblueeyesandglowingskin,thelightsweatonhisbrow,thatthickdarkhairyouwantedtopushyourfingertipsinto,andwonderedwhatagehewaswhenhediscoveredhowbeautifulhewasandthepowerhewieldedoverwomen.
Awarenessofthatpower,plushavingaquickwitandnoheartofhisown—adynamitecombination.Hislaid-backmanner,hisplayfulsenseofhumor,hisabilitytofocusexclusivelyonyou—theseweretheingredients,Lauriefigured,thataddeduptoamanwhomadehusbandsjealous.Heshouldditchthelawandbecomeahigh-classgigolo,workingLaCroisetteintenniswhitesfordiamond-rattlingdivorcées.
Hadfortuneandfatevomitedhimintoherlapatpreciselytherighttime?
“Itismad.Andyet.Itappeals,”Lauriesaidhesitantly.
Jamiebrokeintoabroadsmile.Hehadher.
“You’dhavetomeetupwithmeeverysooftentocreateourdynamitecontent,butapartfromthat.Weneedtosettermsandconditionsforthisshowmance.TextmeyourpersonalemailandI’llmessageyouovertheweekend.”
Theyagreedtheywerebothawashwithdrinkandneededtoheadhometofindfood,andJamieinsistedhe’dseeLaurieintoataxi.
Astheystoodonthepavement,Laurie’steethchattering,herarmsfoldedtightlyacrossherbody,shesaid,“Ihaveaquestion.”
“Yes?”
“YouweretoldthatEvewasoff-limits.Youwantthismajorpromotion.Youstilltookherouttotalkwork.Why?Imean,theriskversusrewarddoesn’tseemtostackup.”
Laurieknewwhatshethoughthadhappened,andnothinghewasgoingtosaywouldpersuadeherotherwise.Shewascuriousathowhe’dexplainitaway.
“Sheaskedmeout,nottheotherway’round,andsotechnicallyshetookmeout.Eve’snowallflower.”
Laurietiltedherhead.“Still…”
“Ack,Igotveryannoyedwiththeideahersixty-two-year-oldunclegetstochoosewhoshe’sallowedtosocializewith.Icanbelikethatsometimes.Anobtuselittletwat.Yes,itwasarisk,butifI’dgivenintotheirrubbish,Icouldn’thavelivedwithmyself.”
“Youwere,infact,respectingheragencyandautonomy?”
“Precisely,”Jamiesaid,grinning.“Andshe’sgoingplaces.Iwasnetworking,ifyouwanttheunvarnishedversion.Thatwastheincentive.”
“Withatwenty-four-year-old?”Laurieraisedaskepticaleyebrow.
“I’mnotkidding,she’sferocious.Photographicmemory,doesn’tmissathing,wouldleaveanyofusfordeadwithoutcheckingforapulse.ShetoldmehernicknameisEveofdestruction.Onedayshe’llhavehernameabovethedoor,ofthatI’msure.”
“Yetyoudidn’tclosethedeal?”
ShecouldteaseJamiethatEvewasn’tintohim,butLaurierememberedthebodylanguagefromthenightinquestion.
Lauriewouldn’thavedaredbethispersonalandpushyifshewasn’thammered.Butthiswasherprofessionaltraining.Pursuingsomethinguntilyoufeltyouunderstoodit.Youcouldn’tadvocateforsomeonewithoutit.
“Iknowitrunscontrarytowhatyouthinkofme,butI’mperfectlycapableofenjoyingfemalecompanywithoutithavingtoendinbed.”
Tobefair,Lauriehadfeltthatherself,onlyhoursprevious.
“Plus,shewas,asyousaid,waytooyoungforme.”
“Howoldareyou?”
“Thirty-one.”
“Ithoughtyouwereyounger!”
“I’lltakethatasacompliment,thoughIbetyoumeantimmature.Howoldareyou?”
“Thirty-six.”
“Ithoughtyouwereyounger,”Jamiesaid,tipofhistongueincornerofhismouth.
“Thanks!”Lauriehuffed.
“Ithoughtitwasacomplimentwhenyousaidit?”
Laurierolledhereyes.
“Hereyougo,”JamieflaggedaHackney.“I’llemailyouovertheweekend?”
“Yes!Thanks.”
ItwasonlyasthecabpulledthroughthestreetsthatLaurienoticedthepitfallinthisplan,thepartthatdidn’tsuither,atall—shehatedbeingascandal.Shewasanintenselyprivateperson,maybebecauseherparents,indifferentways,weresuchashow.
Plus,theyhadsomesignificantcredibilityhurdlestoclear.
Whichwasgoingtobeharder,persuadingeveryoneJamieCartercouldsettledown,orthatLaurieWatkinsoncouldfallforacad?15
To:LaurieLee101@gmail.com
From:jamieryancarter@gmail.com
Hi!
Asdiscussed,here’showIthoughtthearrangementmightwork.Obviouslyfeelveryfreetosayeitherno,thesearetheravingsofalunatic,orsuggestanyguidelinesofyourown.
Assaid,we’dstartnextweekend(howyoufixedtotakeaphotoinabar,earlySaturday?)andthenrunitupuntilChristmas.WecanworkoutthebreakupdetailsintheNewYear.Godthisiscivilizedcomparedtoactualrelationships,huh??
NotthatI’msayingthisisourprofessionalspeciality,but—thewaytomakealieworkistomixinasmuchtruthaspossible.Intermsoforiginsstory,let’ssaywegottrappedinaliftandhititoffduringadrinkafterward.Mickcanverify.Andhey,that’sessentiallytrue,right?!(Right??)
We’llbungupInstagramsandFacebooksonaroughlyweeklybasisandgenerallymakeitclearwe’rehavingabettertimeandaremoresmittenthananyonehasbeensinceTaylorandBurton.Withoutthefights,drinking,giantrocks,andremarriages.OK,maybewiththedrinking.We’lltrytokeepitastastefulaspossibleobviously,andnopublicmuckytalkoranythingtooripe.Neitherofuswanttoreturntothesmokingwreckageofwhererespectforusoncestood,onceit’sover.Allpoststobepreapprovedbybothparties.(Oh,andnoneofthat“Snugglingup,hashtagblissville”stuff!Bringsmeoutinarash.)
Noseeinganyoneelseduringtheperiodofthe“relationship.”Nopublicwooing.NoPDAs.Beingcuckedisverymuchnotthelookeitherofusaregoingforhere.I’lldeletemyTinder.No,noneedtothankmeforthisextraordinarysacrifice.<3
Thismightbethestickingpoint,but,forthistoworkforme,IkindofneedustogototheChristmaspartyasacouple.MistersSalter’sandRowson’sbeadyeyeswillbefirmlyonthatevent&it’stheonemajoron-premisesshowcaseforourCoupledUpness.Iknowyou’renotmuchofaoneforthecompanydo(Michaeltoldmethattoo)(thinkyoumayhaveafanthere,FYtoyourI)(nobaggingoffwithhimuntilyou’vefinishedfakedatingme,thanks?)butit’stheprimeopportunitytomakesurethisgetsresults—forbothofus.
Oh,lastpoint,butvital.Thewaysecretsgetroundingoodfaithiseveryonethinkstheycantellsomeonetheytrust,andthatonepersontrustssomeoneelse,andsoon.Iproposewetellabsolutelynoone,notasoul,thatthisisfake.Zeroriskofexposure,peaceofmindforbothparticipants.ConsiderthisaNondisclosureAgreementforafterwardtoo.Wenevertalkaboutthisnotbeingreal.
Whaddyathink?
Jx
Hi,Jamie,
Allsoundsgood,excepttheCHRISTMASPARTY??OhGOD,I’drathertourtheHelmandProvinceinaday-glounitard.?
Lx
L,
Haaah,Ididthinkyou’dobject.Itisquiteaharrowingexperience.
Idon’tmean,youknow,makingoutwhileyousitinmylap.Justarriveatthesametime,sitnexttoeachother,leaveatthesametime.
Jx
Argh.OK,wehaveadeal.NOKARAOKETHOUGH.
Lx
Adeal,butLauriehadalreadydecidedtobreaktherules.
“LookatusinagardencenteronaSunday;we’reofficiallywholesome,middle-aged,anddeeplyheteronormative,”Emilysaid.
“Don’tnonhetero-conformingpeoplegotogardencentersonSunday?”Lauriesaid,unclickingherseatbelt.
“Thecoolonesdon’t.”
EmilyhadannouncedshewantedtodothingswithLauriethatweren’tpubs,bars,andrestaurants.
“OtherwiseIwillhavehelpedyououtofabrokenheartandintocirrhosis.Whatcouldyounotdo,whenyouwerewithDan,thatyouwantedtodo?Ringthechanges.Enjoyyourfreedoms!”
“Erm…hewasfunnyaboutindoorplants.Andespeciallyflowers.Hesaidtheywereamputateddyingthingsmerelygivingtheillusionoflife.LittledidIknowtheywereametaphorforourrelationship,harhar.Ihadtofightforthepottedpalminthefrontroom.Andhewasheavilyallergictoanythingwithfurobviously,sothatruledpetsout.”
“OKwell,picksomethingDanmadedifficult,anddoit.Orgetit.”
“I’mnotsureIwantadog;I’mnotready.Maybeacat.ButthenI’mthesingle-cat-womancliché.”
“Plantsandflowersitisthen.Aimfor‘Ladiesandgentlemen,Mr.EltonJohn!’kindoflevelsoffoliage.”
InsidetheygotashallowtrolleyandLauriefilleditwithbrightflowersinpotsandkitchengardenherbs.
“Thisisverytherapeuticactually,”shesaid.“CanwelookattheFarrowandBalltesterpotsnow?Ilovethem.”
“Knewit.Youareanaturalhomemaker.Iamanaturalhome-wrecker.”
ThiswastheperfectconversationalopeningtooutlinetheJamieCarterIndecentProposaltoEmily.WhenJamiesaid“oneperson”wasalwaystheleak,hesurelydidn’tmeanloyalfemalebestfriendsunconnectedtotheirworkplace.Butnoneedtospookhimbyqueryingit
Lauriepaused,expectantforthedelightedcackle.
“You’renotgoingtodoit,areyou?”Emilysaid,pullingthemtoahaltinthePaintsandPaintingAccessoriesaisle.
Lauriedidasmallreelback.
“What?IthoughtyouwouldbeSOintothis.It’slikeapublicrelationscampaignonsteroids.Asalifeexperiment.”
“That’swhyyoushouldtakemeseriouslywhenIsaydon’tdoit.”
Lauriewassostartledshecouldonlyblurt:
“Whynot?”
“Because,forone,it’slying.IknowthatsoundsquitesuperstitiousandIcan’tbemorespecific.Butit’slying,andlyinggoeswrong.Lyingisjustbadkarma.”
“Em,youoldhippie!CanMrs.Iwon’ttravelanywherewhereIgetfewerthanthreebarsonmyphoneorfewerthanfourstarsonmyhotelbetalkinglikethis?!”Lauriewasamixtureofamusement,incredulity,andslightworryatthisunexpectedtake.ShetookEmily’sadviceseriously.Apartfromthestuffabouthenchdipshits.
“Iknow,Iknow,”Emilysaid.“ButI’vegotridofanyonewho’severworkedformewhohaslied,immediately,andI’veneverregrettedit.You’renotaliar,whichiswhyyoushouldn’tgetinvolvedwithabigboutoflying.It’snotyou.”
ShehitonsomethingthatbotheredLauriefromthestartofhatchingtheJamieplanandstillniggledhernow.Thateveryonesawherasutterlystatusquo,conventional.Ithadnevermatteredbefore,thisstraitlacedidentity,becauseshewasthat,andshewascontent.Todiscovernoonewouldacceptherasanythingelse?Unwelcome.Emilywaspayingheracompliment,andyetitwasthefirsttimeshehadmadeherfeelworse.
“That’swhatappealstome.Beinglikemedoesn’tfeelgoodrightnow.”
LauriefiddledwithatinytinofMole’sBreathandputitbackagain.Maybesheshouldrepaintthewholehousefromtoptobottom.“Asforbeingfired,Ican’tbefiredforpretendingtodateacolleague.Imean,howcouldtheyeverproveIwasn’tdatinghim?ThebosseshavenosayinwhatIdooutofhours,ifit’snotillegal.”
“Hmmm.Then,whatif,whenyou’refeelingvulnerable,andthisplayerispretendingtobeintoyou,youstartfallingforhimforreal?Aromancethatislikeasugaryhighfromcakeicingcaloriesandstardustandmakebelieveisgoingtoscrewwithyou.Ifhedoesn’t.”
Aharried-lookingcouplejoinedthemandEmilyandLauriemovedaway,atacitagreementtosavetherestoftheconversationforthejourneyhome,andwenttopayforLaurie’sgreenery.
Outside,EmilyblippedthealarmonherMiniwiththekeyfob,andthrewthetinybootopen.
“AllI’msaying,Loz,isIdon’tthinksomemanpretendingtofeelthingshedoesn’tfeelandyoupretendingtofeelthosethingsbacksoundslikewhatyouneedrightnow.Areyousureheisn’tintoyou,andthisisn’tsomecompletelymetawayofpullingyou?”
LauriehootedwithlaughterandEmilyhuffed,“Ohyes,that’sridiculous,andwhatyou’resuggestingiscompletelysane.Imean,ofcourse.”
“Itwouldbefunnyifyouknewhim.He’spracticallyfendingthemoffwithapoison-tippedumbrella,he’snoneedforlonggamescamswithsadolderwomen.MeanwhileI’mabouttenyearsawayfrombeingabletolookatanotherman.AndifIwasready,JamieCarterwouldnotbethatman.He’soneofthosepreeningegotiststhatonlyatwenty-four-year-oldwouldcrushonandthinkshe’sgoingtomarry.Whichisprobablywhyhedatestwenty-four-year-olds.”
“IsbeinghisdategoingtobotherDanthatmuch,ifhe’ssuchawomanizingfool?Imean,maybeitwouldupsetDanifyoupickedupwithhisbestfriend,butnotthisguy?Iamnotsuggestingyoudothateither.”
Emilyhadtakenagainstthisprojectwholly,instantly,andinstinctively,anditseemednothingwasgoingtochangehermind.Butthen,itwasridiculous,Emilywasright.LaunchingafictitiousrelationshipforDan’sbenefitwasnothinglikehealthymovingon.Ithad“endintears”alloverit.Thethingwas,itwasstartingintears.Lauriewas98percenttears.Shesuspectedshe’dalwaysbeparttearsnow.Shehadnothingtolose.
Laurieshrugged,asshefittedthepenultimateplantintotheboot.She’dhavetoholdthefernonherlap.
“Idon’tknowifDanbeingbotheredisachievable,”Lauriesaid,feelingdrainedandemptyasshespoke.Jamiehadbeensure,buthehadn’tbeenthroughwhatLauriehad.“Idon’tknowifhecaresenoughanymore.Butifanyone’sgoingtobotherhim,it’sJamieCarter.Greatnobsmanofourage,andaprofessionalcompetitor.Danalreadycan’tstandhimbecausetheyallthinkhe’spushyatwork;it’sperfect.IfJamiegetshispromotion,he’llbeDan’sboss.OhGod,nowIthinkaboutit,pleaselethimgetthepromotion.ThisisasinglegoalwinforJamieCarterandadoublewinforme.”
Lauriefeltalittlegrimyatsayingthisandyet,shecouldhearalittlemoreofheroldselfreturningtoo.Shecouldbeirreverent,confident,andfunny.NotsimplysomewetblanketwhohadsmotheredDan.
“Mmm,”Emilysaid,mouthtwistingattheword“win.”“Isheonline?Showmeapictureofthisvaingloriousidiot.”
Lauriepulledagloveoffandswipedatherphone,stabbingattheFacebookapp,searchingthroughherfriends.Jamiehadaddedheraftertheliftnight.Itwastohelpthedeception,thoughshesuspectedhe’dsmoothlysendarequesttoanywomanhe’dmarkedinteresting/useful.Thetwenty-first-centuryequivalentofflippingyourbusinesscardintoherhand.
“Here.”
LaurieprofferedheriPhone,waitedforthehmmm,Idon’tseewhyhethinkshe’ssospecialsniff,disclaimer.Noonecouldsurvivethisbuildup,especiallywithacynicalwomaninprotectivemode.
Emilywassilentforasecond,swiping.SheturnedLaurie’sphoneonitsside,landscapemode,chewedherlip.“Oh.Oh.”
Shehandedthephoneback.
“OK.Yes.You’veconvincedme.Doit.”
Lauriewasmomentarilystunned.“Areyoujoking?”
“No.Nooffense,butIdidn’tthinkwhatpassedforfitatSalters&Rowsonwouldmeansomeonethatfit.He’sgotthatsulkymouth,stubble,square-jawthingIlove.Brrrr.”
“He’sclean-shavenatwork.He’salsogotglassesthatappearanddisappear,nowIthinkaboutit.He’saTalentedMr.Ripleyschmuck,isn’the.Hewasprobablyknownbyanothername,withalongstoryaboutbeinganorphan,athislastfirm.”
“Idunnoaboutthat,buthelookslikeaGQcover.HeshouldbeonaspeedboatinRimini.And,goodGod,heknowsit.Butthen,woulditbepossibletonotknowit?Weshouldn’tplaceunreasonableexpectationsonhim.”
“Iwon’taskwhatweshouldplaceonhim.”
Emilypulledaone-eye-shut,tongue-lollface.Lauriestartedgurglingwithlaughter,drawinglooksfromafamilynearbytryingtocrampanelsofwoodentrellisesintotherearofatinycar.
“Danwillbeinatattyheap,”Emilysaid—God,Laurierealized,the180-degreeswingwasgenuine,theJamieCarterEffectwasreal—“Icouldn’tpassthatup.Ican’tinallconsciencetellyoutopassitup.Havefun.Don’tfallforideasoffixinganylostboyfuckboys,though.Don’tstarttobelievetheloveoftherightwomancouldcurehim.It’sboundtocrossyourmindatsomepoint.”
Laurieblanched,butwasverypleasedtohaveEmilybackonboard.
Aftertheygotintothecarandbeltedup,Emilysaid:“Youknowwhenyou’resick,ifyougetup,shower,dress,putyourmakeupon,andacthuman,youcanfeelmuchbetter?”
“Yes?”
“Ithasanimpactonhowyoufeel.Ifyouplayactbeinglovedupwiththisman,youmaywellgethappier.Butsoonerorlateryou’regoingtogetmixedupinit.You’regoingtostartwonderingifyou’vestartedtomeanit,orwhetherhehas.Idon’twantittomakeyouanxious,foryoutogethurt.”
“I’mnotsomesuggestiblefifteen-year-old!Seriously!Youthinkwe’llholdhandsfortwominutesandI’llstarthummingTaylorSwiftsongsandbrowsingElleWedding?Looolll.”
“Youmaylaughatme,Watkinson,youoftendo.Doesn’tmakemewrong.”
“Also,thismanisatake-no-prisonersnihilist.It’snotacaseofhisheartneedingtobeinit.Idon’tthinkhehasone.”
“Howwillitwork,therelationship?”
LauriewentovertheMOagainandEmilysaid:“Youshouldbedoneuptotheninesforthefirstdate.”
“Ohthanks,insteadoffrumpyoldMrs.Migginshereshamblingup.”
“No,you’rebeautifulasyouarebutifthisisOperationMindfuckforDan,nostopsshouldbeleftunpulledout.Youdon’tshowoff,andthiscallsforshowingoff.I’llgetyouahairappointmentatthesalonI’vestartedgoingtointown.”
“Doesitcaterforhairlikemine?”
“Yes,I’mgoingtosendyoutomyhairdresser;she’sdoneloadsofcoursesinAfrohairandwouldlovetogetherhandsonyou.”
“You’resure?”Lauriesaid,feelingapprehensiveatbeinggotten.“White-peoplesalonsdon’toftenknowwhatthey’redoing.Andevenifshe’skeen,Idon’treallywanttobeherguineapig.”
“Honestly,it’sherpassion.She’sshownmephotosoflotsofherclientswithhairlikeyours.Trust.”
Lauriedidn’ttrust,ifshewashonest,butshealsowouldn’thaveknownwheretostartglamazoningwithoutEmily’shelp—shestillusedahairdresserinHebdenwhocametohermum’shousewhenevershewasback.
LaurieforcedherselftorelaxintolisteningtoEmily’sexcitedburblingsaboutwhatsheshouldwearwithcheerfulindifference.IfonlytherewasawaytheIssarackatSelfridgescouldsimilarlytransformherripped-upinsides.
Plantsdeposited,frontroomlookingpleasinglyjungly,LauriewavedEmilyoffoutside.Aftershestartedtheengine,shegesturedtoLaurieshewantedtosaysomething,loweringthewindow.
“Loz,ifyoudodothisshowmance.Onething.Consequences.Thelawofunintendedconsequences.”
Lauriefrowned.“Uh?”
“Thisscreams‘consequences’alloverit.Youwon’tknowwhattheyarenowbutIpromiseyou,they’llarise.Bepreparedforthat.”
“Oh.Yes.You’reprobablyright.ButIcan’tthinkwhatthey’dbe.”
“No.They’llhappenthough.”
“HowdoIpreparefortheunknown?”
“Youcan’t.That’smypoint.”
ThisseemedexcessivecautiontoLaurie,andshewasthequeenofcaution.
Onpaper,thecrimewasperfect.16
Outwardly,Lauriewenttowork,shewasinreasonablespirits,shewasasefficientasever.Inherprivatelife,shelookedbusyenoughtoberespectable.Notfallingapart.
Lauriewascoping,onlyinwaysthatmadeotherpeoplefeelcomfortable.Itwasaperformance,goingthroughthemotions.ShewasasemptyandasfragileasanEasteregg.ThetruthlayinmomentsliketheThursdayeveningwhereshefoundtheboxofphotoalbumsunderthebedinthespareroom.Sheleafedthroughapacketofphotosfrom2005andendedupcrouching,sobbing,feelingasifshe’dbeenstabbed.
She’dnevergrievedforanyoneclosetoher,butsheguessedthismustbesimilar:timeswhenthetidewentoutandshefeltalmostnormal,andtimeswhenitcamerushinginandshefeltlikeshewasdrowning.
ItdawnedonLaurie—otherthanthepictureshehadonhisphone,DanhadtakennothingofsentimentalvaluewithhimOnlyafewshortmonthsago,she’dhavethoughtthatspelledintentiontoreturn.Ha.Nope.Thehardcopyvisualrecordoftheirnearlytwodecadestogether,casuallydiscarded.
SheknewifshechallengedDanhe’dweaklyinsisthehadeveryintentionofsortingthroughandaskingforduplicates,butitwasn’tthetime/didn’twanttoupsether/couldn’tcomplicatethepainfulbusinessofhisgoingbydivvyinguptheirmementoes.HAH.Asifstartingafamilywithanotherwomanwasn’tthemotherlode,nopun,ofpainfulcomplications.Whatifwantingtotakephotosmight’vegivenLauriesomecomfortthathestillcared,andthatmight’vemattered,andheshould’vetakenthemforthatreasonalone.
Don’tlook,don’tlook,don’tlook,sheinstructedherself,asshetookthelidoff.She’dglanceandlookaway,shetoldherself.Sheopenedtheenvelopepacketontop.AnArkoftheCovenantforheremotions.Lauriewasprobablygoingtodotheskin-melting,screaming-CGI-skeletonthing,asunleashingtheevilspiritsofthepastovercameher.
Thefirstpackwasprettymuchthemostpoignantshecould’veencountered.Thanks,randomchance,youbitch.
TheirimpromptustaycationattheMidland.
They’dbeengettingtheirkitchendone,andithadtakenforeverthankstoinadvertentlyhiringthegreatestcowboysinthenorthwesttoinstallit.Theirstoryendedinthesmallclaimscourt,becausedon’tfuckwithtwolawyersatonce.Lauriehadalmostlosthermindafternineteendayswitharoomthatresembledawarzone,withbagsofcrisps
Whileshecurledfetal,Danhadgoneoff,madeacall,andsurprisedherbysaying,“Packabagfortwonightsaway,”beforebundlingherintoataxi.
They’dpulledupminuteslateroutsidetheimposingentranceofManchester’sfanciest,GradeIIlistedgrandhotel.Lauriehadalwayshankeredafteranightthere.
Danhadexplainedthecircumstanceswhenbooking,sotheywereupgradedtoasuite,thefloorspaceaslargeasapenthouseflat.
“Canweaffordthis?”Lauriesaid,bedazzled,asDanhandedheraglassfromthecomplimentarybottleofcava.
“Yeah,ish,”Dansaid.“Worthitforthelookonyourfacealone.”
Itwasanamazingforty-eighthours,afterthechaosanddespairofSorry,love,wedidn’tknowthatwasasupportingwallbecauseyoudidn’twarnus,andbeingcoatedinbrickdust.
Sittinginapalatialking-sizebed,eatingroomservicechips,andgigglinglikeapairofkidsatasleepover.ItwasDanathisbest:spontaneous,generous,andcaring.
Laurieheldoneofthefloppyrectanglesdepictingtheepisode,Danpointingtothetoiletintheircolossalhotelbathroom,pullinga“whatthehell”face.Theytookaseriesofphotoslikethisofthelavishfixturesandfittings,inposesusuallyseeninlocalpapersbypeopleupsetaboutpotholes,whichseemedhilariouswhenhalfdrunk.
ThelastinthesetwasDanandLauriecheckingout,standingbytheball-of-liliesflowerdisplayinthelobby,Danholdingthecameraabovetheirheads,huggingLaurietohimtightly.Ateam.Aduo.Bestfriends.Turningadversityintoanadventure.DanlookedsopleasedwithhimselfandLaurielookedsohappy.
Shelimpeddownstairsandlayonthesofaandletthesadnessanddesolationwashoverherforthethousandthtime.
Outofthecornerofhereye,shesawherphonescreenripplewithamessage.Morecascadeddown,blip—blip—blip.ItwasaWhatsAppgroupshewasin,titled“Claire’sBabyShower”foritsoriginalpurpose,thoughthatbabywasnowtwo.
ClaireandPhilweresuccessfulChorltonfriends,alongwithEdandErica,andTomandPreethi,thepeopletheysocializedwithmostasacouple.Lauriehadexpectedmoremessagesofcondolencesfromthem;sheknewtheyknewasDanhadbumpedintoTom,toldhim,andtoldLauriehe’dtoldhim.Andshe’dhadthecreepDMsfromAdrian:newstraveledinvisiblyandfast.
SheonlygotatextfromClairesayingawfulforherandwassheOKandtheusualthings,andLaurierepliedshewasguttedbutcoping,thankyou,andClairedidn’treplytothatone.
Lauriedidn’tentirelymind,butregistereditwasslightlydismissive.
ThemessagescarriedonpingingathecticspeedandLaurierousedherselftopickherhandsetup.Shelurchedatthesightofherownname.Ittookafractionofasecondtotellitwasbeingtypedinatoneandmannerthatclearlywasn’tmeanttobeseenbyher,theownerofthename.
Claire
It’safunnyone,atfirstIsaidtoPhilIdidn’tbelieveitastheyseemedsosolidbutthemoreIthinkaboutit,themoreIseeit.Laurie’ssosmartbuthersenseofhumorcanbequitecutting!Danwasalwaysmorelaid-back,somehow?Laurie’ssharpinawaythatisgoodincourtandmaybenotsogreatinamarriage
Pri
Yeah,IsaidthesametoTom.IthinkLwasverydrivenandDanfeltneglectedalotofthetime.Shemustbedevastatedthough,startingafamilystraightawaywiththeotherwoman!?
Erica
Ithinkhe’sbeenashittoLaurie.Ifshewouldn’tcommittohavingkids,youdon’thaveanaffair,doyou?Iamsurehehashissidetoit,butit’sawfulforher
Pri
Didshenotwantkids?Ithoughtshewasopen-mindedbutnotinahurry
Claire
Ifshedid,she’snevershownmuchinterest.Youknow,Dan’sagood-lookingmanwithagoodjob,youcan’ttakehissortforgrantedthesedays,inthebaby-makingyears,that’sthesimpletruth
Ugh.Baby-makingyears.LauriefeltgrimlyvindicatedinherpreviouslowlevelgrumblingdislikeofClaire.ShewasaStepfordWife,basically,butcoateditinlotsoftwenty-first-century,faux-feminist,socially-acceptableconcerntrolling.So,insteadof“Whyaren’tyouhometomakeDan’sdinner?”itwas“Itmustbehardonyouworkingthosehours,doyoudoSundaybatchcooking?Ihaveagreatdhalrecipe,”lookingonlyatLaurie.
AndLauriehadalsonoticedmengotdifferenttreatmentfromClaire.Sheclaimedonceasayummymummy,shelikedpoloneckssomuchas“Ifyoupausewhileyourheadisstuckinsideit,puttingiton,yougetafewseconds’peace!”andDanhadguffawedandsaid,“Smellofburningmartyr!”
IfLauriehadsaidthat,oof.She’dgetsomeicyresponseaboutnotunderstandingthefatigueuntilyouhadone.ClairemerelysimperedandbattedDan’sarm.
AtClaireandPhil’s,mendidthejokesandwomentalkedshop(ping).
Pri
Backoutthereatouragethough,canyouimagine?Shuddering.
Erica
Absolutelycringingatthethought.No30sguywantstodatewomenofsameagewithherclockticking,they’rebusychattingup25-year-oldsonline
Claire
Anyguysingleatthisagewillhavemoreissuesthanyoucanshakeastickat.Ordivorcebehindhim,stepkids.?
Pri
Yeah,slimtonopickings.PoorLaurie.
Aminuteafterhergut-wrenchingbewildermentathowtheycouldbeconductingthisdissectionofher,infrontofher,Lauriesussedexactlyhowithadhappened.She’dbeenincludedintheoriginalbabyshowerteam,butithadbeensolongsinceshereplied,theythoughttheywereatrio.
Righttherewastheanswerwhyshe’dgottensuchminimalsympathy:she’dnotplayedthegameproperly.Laurieturnedupattheirhousesoftenenough,she’dhadthemaroundtohers.Butinthedigitalageequivalentofnatteringoverthegardenfence,she’dneverpretendedtobeinterestedinClaire’sdaughter’stongue-tie,orPri’sluxuryshed-slash–summerhouse.
Notleastbecauseshehadajobwhereshespenthoursincourtroomswithherphoneonsilent.Notbeinginterestedinsocialmediamadeyouseemaloofthesedays,exceptLauriewasn’taloof,justbusyandslightlybaffledbyit.
Erica
Whoistheotherwoman?Haditbeengoingonforawhile?Playingawaymakesmybloodboil,tbh
Claire
She’scalledMegan,she’salawyer,andIDK!Dansaysnot—butforthemtobeexpectingthissoon?
Pri
DantoldTomitwasoneofthosebolt-from-bluetypeattractionthingswherehemetMeganandheknewstraightawaysomethingwasgoingtohappen.IthinkDan’sriddledwithguiltathurtingLaurie,didn’texpectittomovethisfast.Somesortofcontraceptionbork..
Claire
Hmmm.Wouldbecurioustomeether!AlsoIhaveTONSofstuffofElla’stooffloadiftheywantit.Iamdonewiththebabyhaving,thanks,whateverPhilthinkswhenhe’shadafewbeers?
ClassicClaire:usingthefactshe’dhadthreekidstotelleveryoneabouthersexlife(thedetailedcircumstancesofconceptionofeachalwaysdiscussedasifshewasmerelytellingyouwhereshegothernailsdone).
Lauriehadbeencoping,almost,withthisinvoluntaryringsideseat,butthebabychatwasmorethanshecouldstand.
Laurie
RIGHTHEREGUYS
Shepausedandchecked.
Pri—Seen
Erica—Seen
Claire—Seen
Yeah,youhavebeenseen,andfoundwanting.
TheywouldnowbesettingupaLaurielessgroupinrecordtime,titledHOLYSHIT.Shewassurethey’dbondoverthisstoryoftheirterriblegaffeandtakeitontouraroundChorlton,oncetheagonyofitsubsided.Lauriethought,Youknowwhat:letthem.
Sheleftthegroup.
Itwasveryobviousthey’dchosenDanasthesurvivor.Afterapoliteinterval,itwouldbeDanandMeganpraisingtheirOttolenghicauliflowerdishandadmiringthebifolddoorsontheextension.Danhadanewpartnerandababyontheway,hewasn’tasingle,spikyanomaly.TwobytwoontotheArk,sheheardJamiesay.Yep.They’dlefthertothefloodwaters.
LaurieopenedFacebookandremovedDanfromher“InaRelationshipWith”status,ataskwhichfeltteenagedandyetnecessary.Sheforcedherselftocheckand,whatasurprise,he’ddonethatfirst.
ShewasgladofaWhatsAppmessagefromJamieCarter,confirmingarrangementsforSaturday.
Concluding:“Also,doyouhavesomethingnewtowear?Allhelpstocreatedisorientationinthemindofthemaleex.”
Hmmm.AnechoofhowLauriefeltwhenDanpresentedinhisshinygreenbomberjacket.
Laurie
Well,that’saringingendorsementofmyfashionsense.
Jamie
Hahaha!Idon’tknowwhatyouusuallywearonaSaturdaynight,doI?ThepointisitlooksdifferenttoDan.WOMEN?
Lauriegaveagrudgingsmallsmile.
Everyonewastalkingaboutheranyway.She’dgivethemsomethingtotalkabout.17
Lauriesteppedintoaverymodernhairsalonwithretrobeehive1950sdryers,playingCarlyRaeJepsenveryloudly,andknewshewastrespassing.Alumpeninterloperfromtheordinaryworldintheuniverseofthenaturallysexual,ateasewiththemselvesandontrend.
Therewereaboutfifteenstaffmillingaroundthefrontdesk,mostofthemwithexperimentalhairstylesandtinyBMIs,cladinspray-onPVCleggings.ThelookwasZiggyStardustmeetsWarrenBeattyinShampoo,andnooneherewasalivewheneitherwasreleased.
Everypairofkohledeyeswasmomentarilyonher,andshewasaskedifshe“hadanappointment”withanairofmagnificentdisbeliefanddisdain.Usuallyyou’dhavetogotorestaurantsinParisinmuddywelliestogetthissortofhauteur.
Theselookswerepracticed,torepeltheinsufficientlycool,thenarrowedeyesconveying:Youknowthereareperfectlygoodneighborhoodplacesthat’llgiveyouRachel-from-FriendslayersandacupofYorkshireGold?Laurierealizeditwasn’tonlyherAfrohairthatkeptherout,shewasalsoclearlytooold,tooshabby,andtoounpierced.Howdaretheyassume;foralltheyknewherlabiaminoracouldsetairportmetaldetectorsoff.
Thecampmanwitharched,penciledeyebrowsandpeculiarlyshinyskinsaid,“You’rewithHoney,she’sonherbreak.Takeaseat.”Honey.Aworldwhere“honey”wasanameandnotasweet,viscoussubstance.
Honeybouncedoutofadoorwithinminutes.“Hiiiiii,isitLaurie?Doyouwanttocomeover?Didyouwantadrink?Coffee,tea,miniProsecco?”
Laurierelaxedadegree.
“Oh…ooh.MiniProsecco?”Whythehellnot.
“IwishIcouldjoinya,rollonsixo’clock,hahahahah,”saidHoney,riflinginaminifridgeandunscrewingthecap,beforeplonkingapaperstrawintoitandhandingittoLaurie.
Honeywasshort,withaveryroundfaceandeyes,spikyperoxidehairwithanundercut,herpetiteframecladinaMetallicaT-shirt.Maybeitwastheopennessofherexpression,butLauriefoundherlessscarythantheotherstaff.
“Whatarewedoingtoday,then?”Honeysaid,afterguidinghertoamirror,handsonthebackofLaurie’schair,lookingatherreflection.
Lauriepulledthebandoutofhercustomaryponytailandstartedmakingself-consciousBritishjokesaboutthestateofherhair.
“AreyouType3C?”Honeysaid,diggingthetipsofherfingersinthesidesofLaurie’shairandploofingit,puttingherhandatthecrownandrifflingfromsidetoside.
AndLaurienear-gasped.“Youknowyourstuff.”
“Yeah,yoursortofhairismyfavorite,actually!DidEmilysay?Yeah.”Honeyproudlypointedatshelvesofrelevantproducts.
Ah,thoughtLaurie.AlwaystrustEmily.
“Doyoualwayswearitpulledback?Neverloose?You’rewastingit!”
“Hardlyever.Igotintothehabitbecauseit’seasieratwork…I’masolicitorand,youknow…Youwanttokeepitsimple.”
Lauriewasabouttostutterfurtherexplanations,thenthought:Honeywasabouttwenty-four-yearsold,whiteasmozzarella,andafanofheavymetal.ShewasnotabouttopasspoliticaljudgmentonLauriefornotcelebratingherhair,thewayhermumhad.(AdebatethatusuallyendedwithLauriepointingoutshehadn’taskedtobeborn,andthinkingherdadwouldprobablyagreehehadn’teither.)
“Yourskintoneisbeautiful,wishIwaslikeyouinsteadofgettingsunburnedfromtheflashonmyphone!”HoneylaughedandLaurielaughedwithher.Oh,tobeunselfconsciouslikethatagain.
“Yourhairisactuallyinreallygoodcondition,”Honeysaid,pullingastrandandrubbingitbetweenfingerandthumb.“Whatareyouthinking?”
Lauriesuckedinabreathandconsideredequivocatingabout“takesomeofthelengthoff”andthought,afteranempoweringdragonherProseccostraw,shemightaswellgoforit.She’dcomethisfar.
“Mylong-termboyfriendhasfinishedwithmeaftereighteenyearsandIalwayshavemyhairinthatrattyponyand,tobehonest,Ijustwanttolookreallyfuckinggoodforachange.”
Honey’seyeswidened.“Eighteenyears!OhmyGod!”
“Yep.”Aboutthreequartersofyourlifetime.
“Thisismakeoverkindaterritory?”Honeysaid,andLauriesensedherexcitementlevelshadshotupseveralnotches,asshenodded.
“OK,howaboutthis?I’mthinkingacenterparting,andI’llcutyouinsomeslightlyshorterpiecesthatblendaroundthefrontsoyoucanstillwearitup,soit’snotallonelength.Then,like,playupyournaturalmassesofcurls?Ithinkitwouldbereallynicetoputsomelightsinittoo.Naturalones,likechestnutandmocha,tobreaktheblockcolorupabit?It’llbetotallysensational,likemoviestarhair.Likeacloudofcurls,likeboom.”Honeymadeahandgesturelikeexplodingearmuffs.
DespitethefactLauriewassureshejustgotcannilyupsold,sheagreed,infectedbyHoney’sclearenthusiasmforthetaskahead.
Thenexttwohoursweresittingaroundwithfoilsonherhead,readingaboutsexwithghostsinDailyStarandsocietyweddingsinAmagansettinVanityFair.ShetextedEmilytodelaytheircoffeebyforty-fiveminutes.
Astheprocesscontinued,Lauriecouldseeshehadlesshair,andthatstreaksofitwerenowlightbrown.Forthebigfinish,Honeypouredoutsometransparentglop,workeditthroughLaurie’s’dowithherhands,andtrainedanenormousdryeronit,making“scrunchingaballofpaper”movements.
Gradually,thehairofLaurie’syouthemerged,butmuch,muchbetter.Shedidn’trememberiteverhavingthisshinysoftness,andHoneyhadsomehowproducedthesortofidealcurlsizeyouitchedtopokeyourfingerinto.Thecaramelshotthroughitdidindeedmakeitglimmerandcatchthelightindifferentwaystoherpureblack.
Unexpectedly,Lauriewasenvyingherself.Emilywasright:thissortofadmirationforherownreflectionwasaveryrarething.She’dspentsolongbeinglowmaintenanceshe’dforgottenthekicktobehadinhigh.
“How’sthat?”Honeysaid,standingback,withthesmuglydelightedintonationofsomeonewhoknowsthey’veabsolutelysmasheditandcan’twaittocollectthereviews.
“Iloveit!OhmyGod,Iloveit,”Lauriesaid,turningherheadandmakingherhairswisharoundhershoulders.“Iloveitsomuch.”
“Right?”Honeysaid,andstartedtalkingherthroughtheproductsandprocessesforbestmaintenance,duringwhichLauriemumbled“hmmmmmmm”asifshewastakingitalldeathlyseriouslywheninfactshewasgiddy.Suchasmallthing,anicehairdo,butitwasnicetoknowshecouldstillappreciatesmalljoys.Lauriepaidathree-figuresum,tippedhard,andsheandHoneygiggleddelightedlyattheirsuccessfulcollaborationthroughout.
“He’sgonnaaskyoutogetbackwithhim!”Honeycalled,asLauriesteppedoutintothechillandfelthernewcurlsblowaboutinthebreeze.
“Hah.Maybe,”Lauriesaid,smiling,tryingnottoletthedaggerofthinkingaboutthatrightnowbreakherskin.
“Nodoubt!”Honeysaid,waving.“Callmepsychic!PsychicHoney!”
Laurienearlysaid“Soundsveryprogrock,”beforeconsideringthatdespitethenumberofvintagebandteesbeingsportedinthesalon,noonewouldhavethefaintestcluewhatshemeant.
WhileLaurieguessedtheresponseshe’dgetfromEmilywouldbepositive,shedidn’tbankonwhatactuallyhappened—Emilynotrecognizingherforamoment.Shepassed,stopped,trackedbacktwosteps,andletoutasmallstartledcry.
“YoulookabsolutelyAMAZING,”Emilysaid,clutchingherchest.“Seriously,Laurie.Youlooklikeyou’reafamouspersontryingtogounrecognizedandfailing.Myheart’sgoinglikeabrokenclockhere!Ifancyyou!”
“Ithoughtyoufanciedmeanyway?”Lauriesaid.“It’sallright,isn’tit?”
Emilyploppedintoaseatandsetherlattemugdown.
“It’snotallright,it’sutterlyfuckingfabulous.Youarefabulous.Iwishmyhaircoulddothat.It’ssogoodtoseeyoulikethis.Fightingback.”
Lauriewasn’tsuresheboughtinasfullyasEmilytoaL’Oréalvisionofwomanhoodwherebouncyhairsignaledbeingmentallyrobust.Butshethoughtthere’satimeandaplacetobeanaysayer,andnowandherewasn’tit.Shelookeddifferentsoshefeltbetter,that’ddo.
“Awthanks,it’sonlya’doIwon’tbeabletodomyself.Ilikeit,though.Feelsodd,”Lauriesaid.
“Ididn’tevenknowyourhaircoulddothis!CanItouch?”
“I’dforgottentoo,tobehonest.’Courseyoucan!”
Emilyproddedaringlet.
Whenthey’ddrainedtheircoffees,EmilypulledLaurieoutintotheblueduskanduptothedepartmentstoresforcosmetics.
“Ihavemakeup,”Lauriesaid.
“Evening-outmakeup.”
“Iwearmymakeuponeveningsout.”
“Notthesamething.Stopfilibustering,feminazi.”
EmilycouldalwaysmakeLaurielaugh.
LauriefoundherselfperchednervouslyonastoolatEmily’sfavoriteconcession,MAC,whileR&Bthunderedatnightclubvolume.EmilytappedaphotoofaNaomiCampbelllookalikeinStudio54quantitiesofglitteryslapabovethecounter,andsaid:“Allout,Tess,goallout.”
Tesstheassistanthadatoolbeltfullofbrushes,asifshewasafacialmechanicwhomightneedtocontouracheekboneinanemergency.ShesettoworkonLaurie’seyeswithseriousintent.
“Maybekeepitnaturalonthelips,”Lauriesaidnervously,asTesssnappedopenthethirdshadowpalette.
“Really,anudelip?Becauseyoucouldreallycarryared,”shesaid.
TesshadaglintnotunlikeHoney’s,whichsaid:Iamabouttomakearightbundleonthisone.
Emilynoddedfuriouslyandsaid:“Red.Let’snotfuckabouthere.We’renotheretoplay.”
Lauriequailedalittle.Thelasttimesheworeshowymakeupwasatindieclubsinhertwentieswhensherolledglitteruphercheekbonesandhadapenchantforneoneyeshadows.Inherthirties,shewashappyinhermid-rangemascaraandtintedbalmrut.
Whenshewasshownherfaceinanovalhandmirror,sheletgoasmall“ahhh!”
Thiswomanlookedlikeher,buthadstreet-sweeperlashesabovelarge,definedsootyeyeswithsilversparkles.Therewereiridescent,light-reflectinganglestohercomplexion,andaboldcrimsonmouth.LaurietriedtofitthisbrashvampwithRealLaurie,coweringinside.Shewasnowprojectingapersonshedidn’tfeel.Shedidn’tentirelymindit,though.Itwasanothermask,liketheonesheworeatwork.
“Incredible.Reallygorgeous,Laurie,”Emilybreathed.“IfIcouldlooklikethat,Iwouldlooklikethatallthebloodytime.”
Lauriegrinnedather.“Instead,sadlyyouareaplain,pious,devoutsortofwoman.”
Emilywasflushed,triumphant,andsnuckoffandpaidforthehaulbeforeLauriecouldprotest.ShethendraggedheruptwoflightsofescalatorsandforcedLaurietotryonablackmaxidresswithwispsoflaceforsleeves.Lauriefullyexpectedtorefuseexhortationstobuyit,yetwhenthezipflewstraightuphermisery-diminishedframeandLauriesawanelegant,AudreyHepburnishcreatureofthenightlookingbackather,sheneedednoconvincing.
Ifnothingelse,it’dsolvethewhole“whattoweartofirstdateJamieCarter”conundrum.Thatsortofthingwastrickyenoughwhenyouwerehopefulyourdatewouldbeknockedout;whenyoudidn’tcareanditwasaperformanceforsomeonenotpresent,itwasyetmoreadmin.
“CouldIhappentorunintoyou?”Emilysaid,asLauriepaidandEmilypracticallybouncedupanddown.“Nointrusion,adrive-byeyeballing.Whereisit?”
“TheIvyinSpinningfields.Iguessso?Remember,onpainofdeath,you’renotsupposedtoknowwhatwe’reupto.Actlikeyou’vecaughtmeoutandaskwhoheis.Etc.”
“Tenfour,RedLeader.”
JamiehadinquiredifitwasthekindofplaceLauriewent,hadshebeenbefore?WhenLaurieansweredinthenegative,Jamierepliedwiththegnomic:
That’snobadthingtbh
Shedidn’taskifitwasaJamieCartersortofhaunt,butheadded:
It’llprobablybenouveauricheAF,but.
LaurievaguelywonderedwhytheyweregoingsomewhereJamiedidn’tgoorratemucheither.Asshetappedherfingerswaitingforthetaxi,afewhourslater,theanswercametoher:sohedoesn’tseeanyoneheknows,stupid.18
Thegoodthingaboutthisfashionforverylongdresses,Laurietoldherself,asshefeltheranklessnuglycircledbythickfabricinthefootwellofthecab,istherewasverylittleofyouonshow,consideringitwasaspecial-occasionlook.
Sheknewwhyshewasjittering:shewaseithergoingtofeelwoefullyunderdoneordollied-upmuttonforthisdate,andshe’dfirmlylandedinthesecondcategory.Thechancesofhittingthesweetspotof“herself,enhanced”wasalwaysminimalandshe’dovershottherunwaybysomedistance.
HairbyHoney,facebyTess,dressbySelf-Portrait:thesortoflabelthatwouldpassmusterwithSuzannefromEmily’sfirm,anyway.
ThetwinconstrictionsofthedressandheelsnecessitatedaMarilynMonroe-ishtotterouttotheToyotaAvensisthatwasherCinderellapumpkinchariot.
Herdriver,Jabal,lookedathercuriouslyintherearviewmirrorandsaid:“Areyougoingtoawards?”
Lauriewinced.
Yes,MadBintoftheYear.
Shecould’vebadlydonewithoutherShirleyBasseynesspointedoutandmuttered,“Nope”withafierceenoughintonationthathedidn’tinquirefurther.
Jabalsaidnothing,obviouslythinking:Theseaward-attendingdivas.
Laurie’sstomachfizzedandrolledasshewalkedintothegroundfloorbrasserieandscannedforJamie.HeadsturnedandLauriefeltsheshouldbewearingasandwichboardsayingIamnotasoapoperastarorwithafootballer—gobacktoyourManhattans.
ShethoughtofEmilysaying:“Ahugepartofgettingattentionissignalingyou’reupforattention,”andfeltthetruthofit.Herclothesandmakeupcommanded:Lookatme.Inside,shehowled:Don’t
ShesawJamie,treacle-darkheaddown,lookingathisphone,sittingonachairattheothersideofthecircularbar.Itwasasmallislandofglassandlight,thestaffworkingawaywithinit,noisilyrattlingiceinshakersabovetheirshoulders.Laurierealizedthelocationmightalsohavebeenchosenforitsscene-settingpotential.
Lauriepickedherwaycarefullytowardhim,theprospectofgoingarseovertittooawfultocontemplate.Jamieglancedupassheapproachedanddidwhatseemedtobeagenuinedoubletake,eyeswidening,mouthopenaninch,phoneimmediatelyabandoned.
Lauriewastoouncomfortabletofeelanycompliment.Itwashardtoseparateoutmakinganeffortforthecaperfromsimplymakinganeffortforhim,andthethoughthe’dsuspectthelatterwasmortifying.
ShereachedJamieandsaid:“Hello.”Therewasapause.“Well.Gettingonthatchairisgoingtobeinteresting.”
“…Heleftyouforwho,again?”
Laurierolledherheavilymade-upeyes.“Iwasgoingtosay‘It’snotacompetition’butifitisn’t,whyamIhere?Moralhighgroundwasinshortsupply,huh.”
“Well,seriously,moralityaside,youlookincredible.”
“Haha.Thanks.”
HestooddownfromhisseatsoitwouldbeeasierforLaurietoheaveupintohers.Jamiewaswearingablackshirtandslimcutgraywooltrousers,theanglesandplanesofhisfacesetoffwonderfullybythelowlighting;andLaurierelaxedanotch,thinking,AtleastIlooklikeI’msupposedtobehere.Itwasaclose-runthing,butfeelingtooscruffyforthecompanyandclientelewould’vebeenworse.Inspectingtheroom,itwasindeedthesortofplaceforbeefymen,stillglowingpinkfromtheirearlyeveningpowershower,theirrail-thinwivesinKurtGeigerstilettos,andeveryoneflashingAmericanExpresscards.
“Right,sohere’syourresolvestiffener,”Jamiesaid,andmotionedtothewaitresswhohadappearedbythem,holdingamartinioutforLaurie.
Lauriehadneverbeenorderedforinherlife.
“Sorry—youdrinkmartinis?It’svodka,dirty,olives,”Jamiesaid,seeingherexpression.
Whodidhethinkhewas,somediscountJamesBond?
“Yes,”Lauriesaid,wonderingifsheshould’vesaidNo,showmethecocktailmenuplease,onprinciple.Whoordereddrinksforpeople?Wassheagangster’smollalready?
Compromised,that’swhatshewas.She’dconfidedinonemanthatanothermanhaddamagedher.
Lauriesippeditgingerly,recoilingslightlyatitssaltandstrength,aswellasthefeelingofbeingtakenforgranted.Herlipsnumbed.
“It’llbealittleeasiertoplayactthispictureifnotstone-coldsober,”Jamiesaid.
“Whathaveyougotinmind?IsitgoingtobeposedliketheCharlesandDiana’sengagementphoto?”Lauriesaidasshesippedagain.
“Haha.‘Whateverlovemeans,’”hequoted,“Mykindofguy.”Lauriewasquiteimpressedathimknowingthat,givenhewasonlythirty-one,thoughshedidn’tsayso.
Herphonevibratedwithamessageandshepulleditoutofherbag.Jamie.Uh?
Thebartenderisatraineeandmydrinktookalifetimetomake!ShallIorderforyou?IsamartiniOK?Tellyouwhat,I’llgetyouthatandthen,ifyoudon’thaveit,Iwill.Jx
“Oh.Justgotyourmessage!”shesaid,glancingupfromthescreen,guiltily.“BloodyEEcoverage.”
“Hah.Noworries.”
AssuminghadmadeanassofLaurie;hewasbeingthoughtful.Anditoccurredtoherthatifhe’dgottenhersomethingfullofpassionfruitjuiceandMalibu,she’dhaveobjectedthat,infact,shewasthekindofwomanwholikedpropernavy-strengthdrinks.0–5totheromanticallyscalded,grumpyLaurieWatkinson.
“OK,so,timeforalittlegametheory,asthoseTwitteranalystsofAmericanpoliticsliketosay,”Jamiesaid,andLauriesmiledintoherthirdsip.Dammit,itwassoviolent,andyetsodrinkable.
“Theimpressionwewanttogivewiththisphotoisnot:‘Herewearegettingheavy,guys!’It’sfarmoreofa‘questionmark’kindofthingthanthat,forourdebut.It’sa‘Here’sanouttakefromwhatwasobviouslyaverygoodevening—drawyourownconclusions.’Essentially,wewanttosparkaguessinggame.AppealtothepartofthebrainthatlightsupduringanAgathaChristie.”
“Yes…Isupposeso?”Lauriesaidhesitantly.Shewasallowingherselftowonder,atlast,exactlyhowfebriletheguessinggamemightbeoverthis,andshedidn’tmuchliketheanswer.Shewastryingtobottlelightning,withoutmuchofabottle.
“Whatwereyouthinking?”Jamiesaid,eyebrowsdrawingtogether.Typicallawyer.Turningthetablesonherattitude:Haveyougotanybetterideas?Wellthen.
“Ihadnoidea.Goon.”
“I’malsothinkingwewanttogetourphotoearlysoyoucangetawayandhaveyourrealSaturdaynight.”
Hah,hemeanthis,butsheappreciatedthegoodmanners.
“IthoughtIcouldpostthephototomorrowmorning,andtagyou.Thenyou’veperhapsnotfullyintendedeveryoneyou’refriendswithtoseeit,but:‘Ohno!Everyoneseesit.’Includingyourex.Areyousetuptoshowtaggedphotos?”
“Ithinkso…?”
“Thewayitworksisyouhavetooptout.Soifyouhaven’t,it’llbethere.”
Laurienodded.Hewassomuchyoungerthanher.Somuch.Thiswascampaignstrategy.
“You’reonInstagram?”Jamiesaid.
“Ah.No.”
“DOH.WeneedyoutobeonInstagram.Let’ssetupanaccountandwe’lldoitlinkedtoFacebook,sothatyoudrawlotsofcontactsfromthereovertoInstagram.Ifweleaveitpublic,thenyourexonlyneedstoknowit’sthere,andhe’llbelikelytocheckit.”
Lauriethought:Huh.She’dgivenupthe“predictingDan”game.
“DoyouhavesomethinghandyinyourphotosonyourphoneyoucanslingonasanInstagramprofilepicture?”Jamiesaid.
“Uh…”LauriechewedherlipandopenedheriPhone.
“Actually,doyouknowwhat,”Jamiesaid,givingheranappraisinglook.“Let’sleaveyouoffInstagramfornow.Launchingonetonightlookssuspicious.Youcanappearonmine.”
“OK.What’syourInstagramlike?”
Jamietappedathisphoneandhandeditover.
Lauriepeeredattheblack-and-whiteprofilephoto,Jamielaughingatsomeunseenperson,halfinprofile,lookingpredictablydevastating.Shereadhisbioaloud—“‘Callmewhenyourealizenoneofthismatters’”—andburstoutlaughing.
SheglancedupatJamieandtohersurprise,heblushed.He’dseemedunembarrassable,andheropinionshouldn’tmatter.Althoughthatmightstillbetrue,thetwothingsweren’tthatcloselylinked.
“Allright,it’sonlyhumor,yousnipe.”
Hescrewedhisfaceupinamocksulkwhichcould’vebeennauseating,buthisboyishcharmcarrieditclearoutofnauseaandrightintoalmostcute.Lauriecouldseewhylesserwomenthanherselfsuccumbedsoeasily.
“It’sabit…I’mnogoodforyou,baby.I’mmarriedtothesea,”Lauriesaid.Shefearedshemightbepushingherluck,butshelikedthemorelighthearted,larkysideofhernatureheseemedtounlock.LadBanterLaurie,asDanusedtocallit,notapprovingly.Itchasedsomeoftheghostsaway,albeittemporarily.
“Hahahaha,‘marriedtothesea,’”Jamiesaid.“Right,hangon.I’mchangingmybiotothatnow,it’sexcellent.”
HefiddledwithhisiPhoneandLauriesaid,“You’renotreally,areyou?Iwastakingthepiss.”
“Iknow.Anditwasfunny.There…”Heflashedthescreenupather.Hehad,aswell.
“Isthereanythingyouwon’tironize?Doyoueverhavegenuinefeelingstowardwomen?”
“Yes,ofcourseIdo!They’reverygenuineforthetwoorthreehoursIfeelthem.”
Lauriegroaned.
“You’reanactualwomanizer,snaringtheunwarybydoingacomicparodyofawomanizer.Modernmen.”
Jamiecurledhislipattheword“womanizer.”Laurierecognizeditasthesameexpressionaswhendefendantswhodealtdrugsheardthemselvesdescribedasdrugdealers.
“…Ithinkcallingthem‘unwary’isabitmuch.Asis‘snaring.’I’mnottheHoodedClaw.”
“Plentyofthem,eveniftheyacceptit’scasual,mustthinkyouonlyneedtomeettheright‘them,’though.”
Jamieclinkediceinhisglass.
“Ithinkyouunderratehowmanywomenoutthereareperfectlyfinewithcasual.Youseeitasmyinterestsversuswomen’s,anditisn’tlikethat.SexcomesunderthecategoryheadingofGeneralInterest.I’mnotexploitinganyone.”
Thishurt,morethanshebetitwasmeantto.FollowingDan’sdeparture,Lauriewassensitivetoaccusationsofbeingvanilla.
“Worksintheory.ButEvewasn’thopingformorethancareeradvicetips,forexample?Shedidn’tthinkmaybeyoumightbedandboyfriendher?”Backhandlowvolley.
“Nope,”Jamiesaid,thoughhelookeddiscomfited.“Notatall.Despiteheruncle’sprejudicesaboutthedangersofconsortingwithunattachedmembersoftheoppositesex,sharingdinnerswiththem.Godwhoishe,MikePence?”
Thetemperaturebetweenthemhadcooledconsiderably.
AsmuchaslotharioswereanathematoLaurie,itwashardlyfairofhertoobjecttonight.Ifyouwantedplumbingdone,youhiredaplumber.Ifyouwantedyourrooffixed,youhiredaroofer.
Ifyouwantedeveryonetoerroneouslybelieveyouwereatitlikeknives,yourecruitedJamieCarter.
Whendiscomfortmeetsstrongliquor,atfirstthespiritsseemswondrouspanaceaforit,Laurieobserved,thentheystartextractingaheavyprice.Likeapaydayloandeposit.
Sheorderedasecondmartini,despiteanunguardedwoozinesssettingin,anddespiterememberingtheadagethattheywerelikebreasts:Onewasn’tenough,threetoomany.
“I’mgladyou’rehavinganother,whenIsawyourfacewhenitarrivedIworriedI’dmessedup,”Jamiesaidpleasantly,clearlyhappytomovetheconversationawayfromhislovelife.
“Ohno,reallymything,thanks.”
Shewincedinside:she’dbeensnippywithhimtoanunwarranteddegree.Shehadalowopinionofthismanfornorealreasonotherthantheboysatworkhatedhimandwomenpashedonhim.“Boys”beingtheoperativeword.She’dacceptedasecondhandversionofJamie,onelargelyshapedbyspite,andoughttomakeupherownmind.
“Shallwetransfertoatable?Ihaveconstantpremonitionsoffallingoffthesethings,whilebalancingonterrifiedclenchedcheeks.”Jamiesuckedthecheeksonhisfacein.
“OhmyGod,same!”Laurielaughedwiththeoveremphasisofthegetting-drunk-fastperson.
Installedatatable,thedrinksarrivedonpaperdoilycoastersandJamieslidontothebanquettebesideher,closeenoughthatshefeltthewarmthofhimthroughherlacesleeves,andchidedherselfforthegoosebumpswhichrippleddownherarm.
“Now,”hesaid.“Tobusiness.”
HeturnedhisphoneonitssideasLaurieliftedtheglasstoherlipsandheleanedhisheadintotheframe,tappingrapidlyatthecircleatthebottomofthescreen.Hetookreamsofphotos,which,EmilyhadinformedLaurie,wastheinsider’ssecrettogettingagreatone.
“Hmm,”hesaid,unconvinced,swipingthroughhiscameraroll.
Lauriepeeredatthem.“Snugglingupwithmyalcoholicwife.Hashtagblissville.”
“Iamveryhappytohandyouthecontrols,”Jamiesaid.
“No!It’sfine.It’sjust,youknow.Seeinghowthesausageismade.”
“Hey,youstillhavenoideahowmysausageismade,baby.”
LauriehootedwithlaughterandJamiequicklypulledhertowardhimandintothecrookofhisarm,holdinghisphonealoft,clickingaway.Hesmelledexpensivelycitrusandmasculine,andLauriethoughthowmuchmorepresentationworksinglehoodinvolved.DanwasperfumedonlybydoubleunderarmswipesofSureforMen.
“What’syour…scent?”
“AcquadiParmaandsuccess.”
Jamieexaminedhiswork.
“Yes!There,”hesaid.“That’sit,that’stheone.Oh,recordtime,Carter.Themasteratwork,etc.TheiPhonedaVinci.”
HeturnedthescreentowardLaurie.ThepictureshowedJamiesmilingupconspiratoriallystraightintothecamera,allstrongjawlineandbrowandafewdarkcurlsonhisforehead.Lauriewasinprofile,eyestightshutinmirth,restingagainsthischestinacoquettishway.Shecouldseehe’dfoundaflatteringanglewhereshelooked…foxy?Thecocktailhourdresswasvisible,Jamie’sshirtunbuttonedtherightamount.Itwasthekindofposeurnonsensethatvainpeoplesentoutonweddinginvites.
Thescenelookedintimateandgenuine,depictingthesortofpleasureineachother’scompanyyoucan’tfake.Except,youclearlycould.
“That’slikesomeHarryandMeghanofficial-photos-levellenswork,”Jamiesaid,satisfied,flippingexpertlythroughthefilteroptions.“Monochromefeelsalittletoostudied.Let’sgowithaniceMayfair.”
“IsMeghanyouronehandymixed-race-girlreference?”Lauriesaid,takingthecocktailstickoutofherfatolivesandputtingitinthecornerofhermouth,grinning.
“You’reawaspishcharacterattimes,aren’tyou?”Jamiesaid,butreasonablywarmly.“ShouldI…ismixedracetherighttermnowadays?”
“Doesn’tbothermeifit’snotmeantbadly.Dualheritageistheofficialoneforgovernmentforms,butnoonereallyusesthat.TheoneIhatedasakidwashalfcaste.”
“Ugh.Yes.Allnoted.”
Thesortofsharpnessthatworksincourtroomsbutnotinamarriage.Lauriecringed.ThoughthatwastypicalClaire,suggestingbeinggoodatherjobmadeherabadpartner.
“Iwaskidding,sorry!”Laurieamended.“ThenameMegancomeswithatriggerwarningforme.”
“Ah,God,sorry,yeah.”
Thekillerportraitachieved,itlettheairoutoftheballoonsomewhat.Chatnowfeltstilted,whileLaurietriedtosecond-guesshowmuchJamiewantedtobegoneand,shesuspected,Jamielaboredtoconcealhewantedtobegone.
LauriefeltconsiderablereliefwhenashimmeringvisionofEmilyinsalmonsatinsquealed:“Laurie!Whatareyoudoinghere?!”andswoopedinforamedia-persondoubleair-kiss.
“Oh,Emily,thisisJamie,fromwork.Jamie,Emily,”Lauriesaid.“We’reoutforadrink.”
“Right,”Emilysaid,handonslinkyhip,lookingfromonetotheotherand,Lauriethought,doingagoodjobofappearingtotakethisin,inrealtime.
“I’mwithSuzannefromworkandafewothers—youknowSuzanne?”andLauriesaid“yep”andmadeacovertUGHface.EmilylaughedandsodidJamie.
AfterafewminutesofGettingtoKnowYous,Emily’sdiminutive,shinilycladbehindperchingontheendoftheirbanquette,sheexcusedherselftohercompanionsandsaid,“Reallynicetomeetyou,”extendingahandtoJamie.
IfLauriehadthoughtaboutitprior,she’dhavepredictedthatJamieandEmilymeetingwouldbefireworksandchemistryanddelightedlytradingthekindofrom-combarbsthatendwiththeminthesack.Theyhadalotofsimilaritiesindisposition,andwerebothknockouts.IfJamieCarterhadeversaid“Setmeupwithafriendofyours,”Lauriewould’vewithoutasecondthoughtprovidedEmily’snumberandsaidThankmelater.
Shedidn’tsensemuchstaticcrackle,butperhapsthatwasheavyexpectationinaten-minuteencounterwhenJamiewasnotionallyonadatewithherbestfriend.Infact,shefeltJamiewasuncharacteristicallysubdued.
“Let’sgo,”Lauriesaid,underherbreathtoJamie,afterEmilydeparted,“I’mnothavingtheSuzanneexperiencetwice.”
LauriewavedacrosstheroomtoEmily,andEmily,leaningintocheckJamiewasn’tlooking,madeaforefingertothumbcircle.Suzanneboggled.Hah,havethat.
Asmuchasshe’denjoyedmoonlightingasPenninesBeyoncéshecouldn’twaittotakethebra,Spanx,andtheheelsoff.Glamourwasagony.
Outside,JamiehandedherintoherUber,reiteratinghisintentionsregardstheirphoto.“Essentiallyadidtheyordidn’ttheytease.Andanaretheyoraren’tthey.Nosmut,obviously.”
Asheleaneddowntoclosethedoor,hesaid,“Can’tbelieveyoudidagirl-buddy‘safetycheck-in’setuponme,bytheway.”
Ouch.
“Ididn’t!Purecoincidence,”Lauriesaid,butsheknewshelookedguilty.
“Hah.Don’tbullshitthebullshitter,Watkinson,”hesaid,andslammedthedoorbeforeshecouldprotestfurther.
Lauriewasuncomfortable,asnightscapeManchesterflewpastthecarwindow,andnowinmorethanoneway.IfthatsetuphadbeensoobvioustoJamie,whatelsemightshemisjudge?
ShefearedEmily’sprediction,thatlyinghadunforeseencomplications,wasalreadycomingtrue.19
YouWereTaggedinaPhotobyJamieCarter.
Throughherblurredsenses,Lauriesquintedatherhandset.They’dgonelive,hencetheconfettiofnotifications.SheopenedFacebookandsawJamiehadcaptionedit:
Greatnight@Laurie.ThoughnotsureifIshouldbethankingyouorhatingyouforthishangover?
Withmorningbedhead,inanoldT-shirt,andwithalightcranialthrobbingfromthemartinis,Laurieappreciatedthestagedglamourofthepictureallthemore.Theydidlooklikeapairofcelebrities,oftheirowninvention.Jamie’spostproductiontinkeringhadgivenitasheen,anOscarsafter-partyatmosphere.Lauriedidn’treallylooklikethatcreaturewhowasstandinginforher,shewasn’tlivingthatlife.Butwhatmatteredwaseveryoneelsethoughtshewas.Onebiggameofbluff.
Shescannedthecomments,forgettingthatitbeingJamie’spostmeantmostofthepeoplewerestrangerstoher.
Lookinggood,sir
Wow,greatshot.LikeanArmaniadvert.Whereisthis?
YoulookliketheStarkwhohadhisthroatcutintheRedWeddinginGameofThrones.AndshelooksliketheDragonwoman’shandmaidenMissandei,i.e.,bothfit
<3She’sbeautiful,who’sthis,Jamie?
Wellplayed,woofThename’sCarter,JamieCarter
Whoa!Exotictotty!
Jamiehadrepliedtothelastsaying:“LaurieisfromHebdenBridge—surelyevenyou’vebeentoYorkshire,Dave.”Sincehisnotbeingsureofhername,shenoticedJamiehadbeenveryattentivetoanydetailsheoffered,anditwasaneatwaytopointupthemicroaggressionwithoutgoingfullattackdog.
Thereweretonsoflikes,eighty-fiveintotal,Bharatamongthem,andDan’ssister,Ruth,hadcommented:
Greattoseeyoulookingsowell,Laurie!Wowsersx
Lauriedidn’tseethatcoming.Shehitreplyandtypedathank-you.She’dalwayslikedRuth,butsinceDan’smumtookDan’sside,she’dassumedRuthhaddonethesameandtheirobligatory“sorrytohear”“I’mfinethanksforasking”textexchangehadbeenfriendlybutfairlyeconomicalonbothsides.
WhatdidDanthink?Hadheseenit?
FromherbusyWhatsApptothehalf-dozentexts,shecouldseetherequiredsplashhadbeenmade.Andtheshamelessnessoftheseinquiries:peoplesheneverspoketo—whohadn’tgottenintouchtosaySorrytohearaboutyouandDan—noweagerlyfishing.
Laurieonlyrepliedtotwopeopledirectly:Jamie,toreassurehimthewordingwasfine,andBharat.
Bharat
WTAF,YOUDARKHORSE!WHATTHEHELLAMISEEING?!JamieCarter?!
Laurie
HeaskedmeoutandIthought:whythehellnot?
Bharat
Thisguyisastealthbomber,I’llgivehimthat.I’mprobablygoingtocatchhimwithmymumnexttimeIgohome
Laurie
THANKS,BHAZI’mthesecond-to-lastwomanonearthyou’dexpecthimtoshowaninterestin
Bharat
NONONONO.Ididn’tknowyouwereready,that’sall.Gladyouhavingfun.YoulookTOTALFIRE.WTFTHEHAIR??Gossiptomorrowpleasexxx
Lauriecouldn’tdealwiththeagitationcausedbytheconstantping-ping-pingofnewcommentsandlikesandqueries.Jamieinhabitedadifferentonlineworldtoher,abusy,interactiveone—infactthemanseemedtobeasocialhub,andLauriefounditoverwhelming.
Asthethreadunderneathworeon,friendsoutrightaskedifheandLauriewere“anitem,”andJamiereplied“earlydays”withasmileyemoji,and“ifI’mlucky”toanother.HeandLaurieagreedinhastyfurthermessages,finessingtheirapproach,thatvague,noncommittalpositivitywasthebestbluster.Goodness,itfeltodd.
Hewasrightaboutthemixedmessagingstimulatingmorefuss,aseveryonetriedtofigureoutifwhatseemedlikeanannouncementactuallywasone.
Afteratwitchymorning,Lauriefoundherselfirresistiblydrawntoputtingonhertracksuittrousers,findinganoldCouchto5Kapponherphone,andploddingaroundthestreets,warilyatfirst.
ShecouldonlytoleratesomuchofthefemalevoiceinstructinghertonowwalkbrisklyforTWOMINUTESbeforesheswitchedtheappoff,turnedhermusicup,andranforherself,untilthepaceandthepoundingofbloodandtheimpactofherfeetonthepavementwastheonlythingthatexisted.
Laurieignoredshoutsfromacarfulloflads,dodgedaroundstrollers,andurgedherselfonward,andasshearrivedbackhome,feelingexultant,thought,thisiswhyDanuseditasspringboardforleavingher.Shefeltreadytofightapolarbear.UnfortunatelyitalsoputLaurieinmindofwhatitreadiedDanfor.Shegotaflashimageofgruntingandpumpingandwantedtodie.
Washegoingtoruineverythingforher?Itwashardtofeelanywherewasherspacewhentheywerecolleagues.
Lauriepeeledoffherclothestoshower,watchingherselfinthemirror,andthoughtofJamie’spushymatecallingherexotictotty.Whatasham,alongconjobmadeofshapewearandfilters.Shedidn’tfeeleitherexoticorliketotty,shefeltlikeawomanfromYorkshireinherlatethirtieswithsoft,malleable,untendedparts,someofwhichweresilveredwithstretchmarks,andwithunrulyhairdowntherethatdefinitelywasn’tsculptedintoamartiniglassshape.
She’dneverputhernakedformtoanyparticularobjectivetestofdesirabilitybecauseshewasdesiredbyDan.Sheputherhandsoverherbreastsandhoikedthemupaninch:Wasthatwheretheyshouldbe?Wasthatwheretheyusedtobe?Lauriehonestlycouldn’tremember.IfsheaskedDanthissortofthing,aseroticmemorykeeper,he’dmakeajokeandthenusuallylungeandgrapplewithher.
Lauriehadn’tconsideredherselfasbeingdefinedbywhatanymanthoughtofherandyettherewasnodenyingthatherbody,unwantednowbyherlifelongpartner,feltlikeabodyshehadtoreassessandownforherselfagain.
Thethoughtofbeingexposedinfrontofsomeoneelseoftheoppositesexprovokedabjectterror,yetitwasthatorlifelongcelibacy.
LasttimeEmilyhadshownherTinderitwasfullofmencalledthingslikeKevandDazsittingnakedinhotelbidets,swiggingfrombottlesofPeroni,declaringtheir“massiveloveforthesesh.”
MaybeKeanuReevesfilmsandavibratorwouldbepreferable,Lauriethought,turningthewateron.20
“Morning!”Lauriesaidcheerfully,powerwalkingupthestairsonMonday,asthetworeceptionistspresent,JanandKaty,bothdetainedbyphonecalls,almostscreechedwithdisappointmentthattheycouldn’tbangdownthereceiversfastenoughtocommenceinterrogation.
ItwasalsopossibletheirroundeyesandlookoffascinationwasLaurie’schangeofimage.She’dpulledHoney’scurlyhairdoupintoaponytail,butitwasstillfarmorebushythanherusualmoreseverestyle.AsLauriehadfrettedaboutbeingconspicuous,shewonderedifhermumhadapoint,backatschool,thatshecouldallow.Laurie’sAfrocurlsweren’tacrassbidforattention,theyweregenetics,andyetsheflattenedthemtomovelessobservedinamostlywhiteworld.Tofitin.Howmuchofherexistencehadbeenabouttrying—withvariedsuccess—tofitin?Tokeepherheaddown?
“Morning,team,”LauriesaidheartilytoBharatandDi,andBharatsaid,“Oh,heresheis,whoringherwaytoherdeskasifshe’snotManchester’smostnotoriousslut.Carefulshedoesn’ttrytoshagyouonherwaypast,Di!”
“Thingshavecometoaprettypasswhenawomancan’tgoforfivemojitos,twotootsofcoke,abumpofket,andagameofstripBoggleintheBritanniaHotelwithoutbeingcalledlooseanymore,”LauriesaidasBharatchortled.“Honestly,youmakeonesextapewithagirthydildo…”
“BitharshtocallJamieCarteragirthydildo,butyouknowhimbestIguess,”Bharatsaid.
LaurieandBharathonked,andDilookedstunned.HowmanyyearshadshesatoppositeLaurie,andthebiggestscandalLauriehadeverofferedwasadmittingshe’dneverseenXFactor.
AllthreeofthemstartedatthesuddensightofDaninthedoorway.Hewaswearingthatpalepinkshirtofhisshealwaysliked.Lauriefeltoddlypleasedwiththeopticsofhiminterruptingatthatmoment,becauseshe’dbeendoingpropercorpsinglaughter.DanshotLaurieadirect,purposefullookshecouldn’tdecipher.
“Uh,doyouhaveMick’ssixtiethcollection?”
“Oh,yeah…”Bharatrifledthroughhistraysinatensesilenceandhandedoverabrownenvelope,baggyatoneendwithcoins.Laurie’sheartpounded.
“Ta.”Danpromptlydepartedandtheyalldida“hmm-mm”throatclearingatoneanother,asawayofcommunicatingnotsurewhatthatwaswithoutsayingso,insomanywords.
Itwasaconditioncheck,Lauriedecided,awayoflettingherknowhe’dseenthepictureandwasn’tgoingtoreact
Butthiswasthefirsttimesincetheybrokeupthathe’dfoundapretexttovisitherdesk,sogivenactionsspokelouderthan(barelyany)words,ithadbackfired.
Havingrunthegauntletandsurvived,Lauriewasfeelingalmostsmug,untilthefirstloobreakofthemorningranherslap-bangintoKerryassheexitedthecubicle.Aone-womangauntlet.
“Oh,helloyou.Belleoftheball.Appleofdaddy’seye.”LauriehadlongsuspectedMr.Salter’sfondnessforhermadeherespeciallyproblematictoKerry.Kerry’ssnarky,wrytonealwaysimpliedshe’dcaughtyouuptosomething,andwasdecidingwhetherornottodobyouinforit.ItwasveryLaurenBacall,thesamedeliveryas:Youknowhowtowhistle,don’tyou,Steve?
“YourselfiewithJamieCarteristhetalkoftheoffice.Areyouseeingeachother?”
“Haaah.”Lauriewashedherhands.“Thoughtitmightbe.HeaskedmeoutandIthoughtit’dbefun.”
“Outforadrink,then?Nothingmorehappen?”Kerrysaid,runningalipstickaroundhermouth,eyesmovingtothesidetocatchLaurie’sexpression.
“Bitpersonal!”Lauriesaidinwhatshehopedwasajollyway.“Howwasyourweekend?”
“Hmm,”Kerrysaid,cappingthetubeasifshe’dnotheardorthequestionwasrhetorical.
Lauriewishedshe’drehearsedthismore,hadhertacticsmorefinelyworkedout.She’dbeenreckless.Theplanwent:(1)postphoto,(2)bullshitthatsheandJamiewereinvolved.
Therewasalotofgrayarea,andnowshe’dmadeanenemyofKerrybynotpreparingafoboffwhendirectlyaskedifthey’dslepttogether.ItwasutterlyoutrageousKerryfeltentitledtoknowthis,ofcourse,buttheseweretheunofficialrulesofSalter&Rowson.Kerryeithergotwhatshewantedfromyouorshespin-doctoredherwayaroundandmadelifeamisery.Shetwistedyouthefuckup.
Atlunchtime,LauriereceivedaWhatsAppfromBharattomeetheratStarbucks,andshesuspectedifhewouldn’trisksayingitonpremises,itwasnothingtobepleasedabout.
Lauriewasright.
Astheyqueued,Bharatsaid:
“Kerry’stellingeveryonethatthiswasclearlyatotallycontrivedstunttomakeDanjealousandyouandJamieCartercan’tpossiblybeseeingeachother.”ThistacitsupportfromBharatwasakindness;itwasalwaysacceptedthatyouneededtoknowwhatlineKerrywaspushingaboutyou,topushbackonit
Lauriegulped.
“Whatacow!Whyonearthwouldn’titbetrue?”
LaurieknewBharatwouldacceptLaurie’swordoverKerry’sasapointofhonor,andfeltbothgladandguilty.Lauriehadalreadyspunhimthelinethatshewasdeliberatelydoingthingsthatfeltoutofcharacter—broadlytrue—andthrewthebonding-in-the-liftincidentin,relievedthatwasn’taninvention.
“Timingtooquick,andthatyoudodgedsayingifyou’dgonehomewithhim.Shedoesn’twanttolie,butshewantstomakeusallthinksomethinghappened.Laurieisnotanaturalliar.”
“AsifI’mgoingtotellher!”
“Iknow.Shesaidit’stotallyoutofcharacterforyou,you’retoo‘straightedged’togoforamanlikeCarter,andweallknowyou’restillinbitsoverDan.Iquote:‘onehundredpercentsetup,includingtheToni&Guy,SashaFiercedo.’”
Laurieflinched.
“Anyway,she’sstirredthecauldrongoodandproperandeventakenituponherselftotellDanheobviouslyprovokedthis,andthatyoumustbeinarealstatetogothisfar.”
Lauriecringedagain,andcursedKerry.
“Whatanultrabitch.”
Shewasbadlyneedled,likeeveryonewaslaughingather.Thatshecouldn’tseeherselfthewayotherssoplainlydid.
Kerrycouldfindanyone’sweakspot;itwashersuperpower.Somehowshe’dimmediatelyidentifiedthattheworstthingsforLauriewouldbepointinguptheimplausibilityofherasJamie’sparamour,andthehumiliationofherexthinkingitwasforhisbenefit.
“Howdareshe,”Lauriesaidastheyleft,holdingcupsbearingthenamesLORIandBAWAT.“Andmyhairwasn’tToni&Guy!”
“Thatwasthebiggestburnofall,”Bharatagreed.“MyfriendJessieyoumetwasgiventheworsttimethere—shecameoutlookinglikeRodStewart.NotevenFacesRod,NanaHairRod.”
“Idon’tthinkI’vemetJessie?”
“Yeah,youdid.HersisterwasthepracticenurseinAlderleyEdgewhogaveoneoftheSpiceGirlsherabnormalsmeartest,remember?Forgetwhichone.Itwasfine,sheonlyneededsomeprecancerouscellslasered.”
Laurieguffawed.“Whatabio!”andthen,“Thankyou,Bharat,somehowyoualwayslightenthemood.”
“LiketheNYPD,Iprotectandserve.”
Lauriehadseenacaseonthewhiteboardforthisafternoon,withtheinitialsJCnexttoit.She’dheardMichaelandothersmutterthatbecausehesharedthemwithJesusChrist,hethoughthewastheSecondComing.
Ifshegottothemagscourtbeforethehour,shecouldpossiblyinterceptJamieoutsidewithoutanyoneseeing.ThisconversationwastooinvolvedforWhatsApp.Shetimeditright,ashewastenpacesaheadofheronthepavementthewholeway,talkingintohisphoneformuchofit.
“Jamie,”shesaid,pouncingonhimasheputhisphoneinhispocket.
Laurieglancedaroundtochecktheyweren’tbeingobservedandmotionedforhimtoduckaroundthesideofthebuildingwithher.
Lauriewasslightlyoutofbreath,skinstillwarmwithnotonlytheexertionoftrackinghim,butpricklingshameatKerry’scruelties.
“It’sover,”shesaidurgentlyunderherbreath.“Kerryisgoing’roundsayingit’sobviouslyfakeandaploytogetbackatDan.”
Jamieshrugged.“And?”
“And,we’vebeenmade.OrIhave.They’renotgoingtobuytheideawe’retogether.”
“Thisistobeexpected,astheygettheirheads’roundit.”
“Whywouldtheychangetheirminds?”
“Youkeepsayingthey,plural.ThisisKerry.Kerry’sgonnaKerry.Whydoyoucarewhatshethinks?”
“Uh,Ithoughtwhatpeoplethinkwasthewholepointofthis?Whyelsearewedoingit?”
“Kerryisoneperson,andsomeoneeveryoneknowsisaboutasreliableanewssourceastheDailyStar,”Jamiesaid.“Lethersaywhatshewants.It’smorefuelthrownontothefire,whichwehaveset.”
“Butifit’soutthere,theideathatit’snotrealandit’sforDan’ssake,fromnowonIlookstupid!”
“Willyoucalmdown?”Jamiesaid.“Youdon’tlookstupid.Wecarryon.Theplanistheplan.”
BeingtoldtocalmdownmadeLauriefeelevenmorefoolish.
“Thishasfallenatthefirsthurdle.It’ssimplynotplausible.God,thelastthingIwantedwasforpeopletothinkIaminsuchamessoverDanI’ddothis.”
“Yoursensitivityoverhisreactioniscloudingyourjudgment,”Jamiesaid,frowning.“Absolutelynothing’schanged.Seeitfromtheoutside,beyondSalter&Rowson’smicroclimate.Theideait’simpossibletwosinglepeopleintheirthirtieswhoworkinthesameofficemightbedating—it’snot‘outthere,’isit?It’snot‘persuadingpeoplethat9/11wasaninside-job’levelofbuy-in?”
LauriecouldseehowexasperatedJamiewaswithher.Someonesoambitiousandconfidentprobablyhadlowtoleranceforwhatheperceivedasweaknervesandcowardice.
“Youonlywanttopressonbecauseitmightgetyouajuicypromotion!”
“Noshit,that’swhyI’mdoingthis?Notmuchofagotcha,isit?Itdoesn’tmakemyanalysiswrong.”
Lauriewassilent.
“OK,look.”Jamierubbedthebridgeofhisnose,movinghisClarkKentglassesupward,andLauriesuspectedhewasregrettingittoo,whateverhesaid.“Ifyoudropitnow,Kerryhaswon,becauseifitstaysaone-offthenitwilllooklikeastunt.Carryon,andshelooksmoreandmorewrong.Which’llitbe?”
Lauriehadnocomeback.Hewasright.
“…OK.”Sheshruggedindefeat.
Therewasapauseastheypreparedtopart.
“Doyouwearglasses?”Laurieadjustedthefilesshewascarrying.
“Uh?”Jamiepointedatthem,onhisface.
“Imeansometimesyou’reinthemandsometimesyou’renot.”
“Haveyouheardoflong-sightednessandshortsightedness?”
“Yes,butIcan’tworkoutwhichyouhave.”
“IsthisrelevantinsomewayI’mnotgrasping?”Jamiesaidtestily.
“It’snotrelevant.I’mbeingnosy.”Lauriesmiled.“I’mmeanttoknowstuffaboutyou,nowwe’regoingout.”
“They’reclear,”hesaidthroughgrittedteeth.
“Clear?Asinnoprescription?”
“Yes.”
“Sowhywearthem?”
Jamieturnedhisheaduptotheheavensbriefly.“WhenIfirststartedgoingtocourtIlookedyoung,OK,andInoticedIgottreateddifferentlywhenIworethem.They’rea…prop.”
“OK.”
“Don’ttellanyoneattheoffice,please.Iwillgetroastedforit.”
“Iwilldefinitelynottellanyoneattheoffice.”
“Thankyou.”
“…ThatyoudoAtticusFinchcosplay!Hahahahoohoo.”
JamiegloweredasLauriedoubledover.Shehadafeelingnoonehadeversenthimuplikethis.Certainlynofemale.Lauriedidn’tknowwhyshedaredwithJamie,shejustknewshedid.
“Oh,upyours.Great.RightI’vegotamurdercommittalincourtnine,goingtodothatbeforeIdoonemyself.Catchyoulater.”
Hestalkedoff,leavingLauriewipinghereyes,notsureifsheshouldregrethermockery.
WhenLaurie’sWhatsApppingedatfivep.m.,sheexpectedJamietobesayingYouknowwhat,maybeyou’reright,let’sleaveit.
Jamie
Bigguns:Whydon’twedodinnerattheFrench?TheFrenchisspendy,itwouldsay:wemeanthis.Ifwegoatanawkwardtimelike6or9:30.Ibetwecouldgetalast-minutebooking.Ourphotoswouldn’tneedtopointthatoutofcourse.Thoughts?J
Shenoticedshe’dforfeitedthekiss,however.
Althoughshe’dbeentheonewantingtocanitall,shewasrelievedhewasonboard,andbeingconstructive.Ifshewantedthistowork,maybesheshouldditchherpassivityintheprocess.Ifthenextmovewasacandlelitmeal…?
Laurie
Yes,except…theFrenchismoreforanniversariesandoccasions,Ithink.Seconddate,toomuchpressure,it’snotquiteplausible.Hawksmoor,perhaps?Steak,cocktails,moodyinteriors.Youcanevenaskfordatenighttableswhenyoubook.
Thankyou,Emily,forthatintel.Lauriefeltcluedupandrelevantforachange.
Jamie
YES.Goodthinking.IwillbookforFriday?x
Laurierepliedintheaffirmative.Thekisswasback,thegamewasoncemoreafoot,andLaurierealized,Jamiewasright(albeitprobablyforthewrongreasons).Timetoscrewhercouragetothestickingplace,andstickittoeveryone.21
LauriehadbeentoHawksmoorayearbackforDan’sbirthday,andifanyonehadtoldherthecircumstancesunderwhichshe’dreturn,she’dhavesaid:Areyouhighonhallucinogens?IsthatnotavisionofmyfuturebutanepisodeofBlackMirror?
ShereallytooktoHawksmoor,itwasherkindofplace:thedarkVictoriantilesandwhitelanterns,thegloaming,feltlikestarringinabloodthirstyperiodpiecewithTomHardyinabatteredtophat.Andnothingsortedoutimbibingtoexcesslikeasteakthesizeofamattress.“Thecowgetsthehangover,notyou,it’sbrilliant,”she’dtoldDan,who’dsaid“ewwwww.”
She’ddugoutarespectableiftwo-year-oldnavypencildress,putupherhair,doneherownmakeupthistime—ifsheandJamieweredoingweeklydates,shewasn’tgoingtomakeIvylevelsofeffortontheregular.
Lauriewasseatedinthebarwithsomethingstrongandmarmaladeflavored,tappingherfoottoNewOrder’s“TrueFaith,”whenJamiemessagedtosayhe’dbeendetainedbyadomesticcrisis.Hewasn’tamanwhoonepicturedhavingeitherdomesticityorcrises.Shesnickeredtoherself,liftingtheglasstoherlips,imaginingoneofthetorcheshadputteredoutinhisBDSMdungeon.
Hearrivedtwentyminuteslater,palefacewindchilled,inaflurryofapologiesandAcquadiParmaandaPaulSmithscarf.
“Noworries,”Lauriesaid.“Thewaitresshasbeenovertosaytheycockedupandhadusdownforanhourlater,sowe’reinthebarforthemeantimeanyway.”
JamiekeptapologizingandLauriesaid,“It’snoissuetositherewithadrinkonmyownforhalfanhour.It’squiteniceinfact.”
Helookedfaintlyquizzicalatherserenity,sosheasked,“Dothewomenyouusuallyseegetveryupsetatbeingontheirownsomewhere?”
Jamiemutteredsomething.
Whataveryold-fashioneddynamicforamodernswinger.ItmightnothurtJamietospendtimewithothergrown-ups.
Lauriewasgoingtopolitelyavoidthenatureofthedomesticcrisis,butJamievolunteeredawashingmachineoverflow.
“Youliveinthecitycenter?”
“No,outtowardSalford.”
“Itotallypicturedyouinacentralflat,”Lauriesaid,notwantingtosay,ashagpadwithsheepskinrugs.
“Unfortunately,mytyrannicallodger,Margaret,hasherneeds,andtheyincludeabedroomofherownandagarden.”JamieswipedtoopenhisphoneandshowedLaurieapictureofagiantlyplumptortiewithanear-humanfrown.
“Haha!Oh.Ididn’tthinkofyouasacatpersonatall.”
“I’mnotreally,I’maMargaretperson.AcolleagueinLiverpoolfoundherinahedgeasakittenandshewaslivingintheofficestoreroomuntilIvolunteered.ShewastheonlyoneintheofficeIgotonwith,bytheend.”
Lauriethought:Personanongrataintwoworkplaces,Jamie.Imightstarttolookatthecommonfactor.
“Yeah,MissEyebrowRaise,Iknowyou’rethinking‘Oh,hepisseseveryoneoff,’butitwasn’tlikethat.MyexdecidedtoturnitintoIsraelandPalestineintermsofwhotookwhichside,andeventuallyprettymucheveryonedecidedthequieterlifewasonhers.”
“SoIguessyoucouldsayshedidbringpeaceandunitytotheWestBankeventually?”
JamiealmostspathisShakyPete’sgingerbrew.
“I’dhavepreferredatwostatesolution.Youdomakemelaugh—slash—saythestrangestthings.”
Theybeamedateachother,amomentofunadulteratedmutualappreciation,thesortofbrushwithexcitementLauriehadforgottenhowtofeel.Wasthissomesortofchemistry?Orthemarmalade-flavoredintoxicator?Shelookedawayfirst,takinganothersip.
“It’ssonoveltometobethetalkoftheofficeandhaveadramawithanex…”EvencallingDanherexstillsoundedweird.“Whatwithushavingbeengoingsteadysinceeighteen.He’smyonlyseriousboyfriend.”
ShepresumedJamiepickedupontheimplicationof“serious”;shewasn’tgoingtospellitout.
“Wow.Yeah.Canimagine.”
“Canyou,though?YouprobablythinkIshouldbestuffedandinamuseum,”Lauriesaid,grinning.
“Idefinitelythinkyoushouldbestuffed,”Jamiesaidandthen,“No,no,no,no,comeon,”asLauriedidashock-shriekoflaughter.“Youmadethattooeasy,rudenotformetotakethepunchlinewhenofferedup.AndIdon’tknowwhyyouhavethisideathatIfinddifferentchoicestomyownsorepulsive.They’redifferentchoices,that’sall.”
“Tobefair,youmadegettingmarriedsoundlikeaRussianprisonwithoutthesex,soyou’renotthataccepting.”
God,washeayoungerversionofherdad?Isthishowtheoldestswingerintownstartedout?Ugh,andtherewasstilltheweddingreceptionshe’dbeentryingnottothinkabouttogetthrough.Horrors.
“Haha,sorry,yes,Ioverdidthecynicismthatevening.That’sspendinghoursinSalter&Rowson’sliftforyou.Therearelong-termrelationshipsIthinkaregreat.Mymumanddad’s.MybestmateHattieandherhusband,Padraig.Butthey’refewandfarbetween.I’moverthirty,I’mnotsoarrogantorasoptimisticastothinkI’mevergoingtomeetthepersonIcouldhavethatwith.”
Laurienodded.“Yeah,Iprobablywon’tagain.”
“Youwill.ButIalreadyfeelsorryforhim,youandyoursteel-trapmind.”
Shelaughed.Jamieshookhishead.
“Youknow,thewholeromanticcomedystapleoftheOneWhoComesintoYourLifeUnexpectedlyandChangesEverything.Settingasidethatnoone’scapableofthatifyou’reagrownadultwhoknowstheirownmind,whyisthatagoodthing?Idon’twanttobechanged.IlikemyselfasIam.”
“Thatcomesacross.”Lauriegrinnedandherolledhiseyes.
“Another?”
“It’stableservice.”
“Well,I’mrunningadrinkbehindandcan’twait.”
Chinproppedonpalm,Lauriewatchedhimleanonthebar,andponderedifshecouldsaveuptoredecorateherhouseinthestyleofHawksmoor.
Aplatinumblondewithabob,inanoystersilkspaghetti-strapdress,slidovertoJamie’sside.ShelookedlikeMichellePfeifferinScarfaceandhadasimilaraversiontowearingabra.Lauriecouldn’tstopstaring.WasshehittingonJamie…?
MyGod,shewas,armdrapedaroundhisshoulder,speakingcloselyintohisear,thewayherbodywasangled,Jamielookingsimultaneouslygratifiedandvaguelystartled.Lauriewatchedwithamusedcuriosity:Wouldheweaseloutofthisone,giventhecontractstipulations?
Therewassomesottovocechatbetweenthemandthewomanglancedover.Therewassomemorechat,andthewomandida“Wowwhat”jawdrop,andthistimereallyscrutinizedLaurie.Itwashardtoknowhowtofeelwhenshehadnoideawhathadsparkedherinterest.
Jamiebrokefreeandcameback,settheirdrinksdown.
“Didyougetpropositionedatthebar?”Lauriesaid,quietlyawestruck.
“Er.Yeah,”Jamiesaid,bashfulandmaybealittlebitproud.
“OhmyGod.”Lauriedidn’twanttoinflateanalreadyhealthyegobutthisfeltlikegoingonsafaritoher.
“But…howdo…creaturesofthenightknoweachother?Howdoyoutelleachotherisone,liketheFreemasons?Youcould’vebeenherewithyourwife;Icouldbeyourwife.Icouldbebarrelingoverthere,handbagflying.Oryoucouldbegay.”
Jamielaughed.
“Forthemostpart,especiallyifyou’reawomanapproachingaman,you’reprettysureevenifyougetrebuffedthatthepersonwillbeflattered.Also,Ican’tletyougoonthinkingI’magod.WhileIhavehadacoldapproachinmytime,thatwasn’tone.That’sKirsten,Iknowherfromawhileback.Shewasdatingafriendofmineatthetime.”
“Whatdidyousayjustnow?”
“ThatIwashereonadate.”
“Thatwasenoughtoputheroff?”
“Yup.Well.Apartfrom…”Jamieleanedinandwhispered,“Sheofferedforyoutojoinin.”
Lauriesuckedinherbreathandlookedover.“Andwhenshewasdatingyourfriend,you…?!”
Jamieshookhisheadrapidly:“Mymalefriend!Male.No,thankyou.”
“Shelookslikenormalpeople.Allthewhile.Solicitingthreesomes.”
Lauriethoughtforamoment.“Butyousaidsomethingelsetoher?Somethingthatmadehergo‘Ohmy!’andlookatmelikeIwasanextraterrestrial.”
“Didshe?”Jamiesaidblandly:thiswasafoboffifevertherewas.
“Yes.YousaidIwasaMormon,ordidn’thavegoodhygiene,orsomething,didn’tyou?”
“Ididn’t!Imadeitclearyouwouldn’tbeinterested,andthatwasthat.”
“Yousaid,She’snotaSexPerson,youknow.”
“SexPerson,hahahaha.But,no,Ididn’t.”
“Youdidn’ttellherweweren’treallydating?”
“No!That’sverboten.Weagreed?”
“Absolutely.”Laurienodded,feelingatwingeofhypocrisy,thoughwhatriskwasEmily?
“Ifitisn’tbad,whydon’tyoutellme?”
“Argh!You’reintherightjob,youknowthat?Thewitnessrequestsaglassofwater.”
“Denied.Thewitnesscanhaveadrinkofwater,YourHonor,whenheanswersthequestionasclearlystated.”
“Itoldher…”Jamiepaused.“IsaidIdon’twanttoshareyou.That’swhatIsaid.”
“Oh,”Lauriesaid.
AlookpassedbetweenthemandLauriefelt…unusual.Despiteknowingitwasfictioncreatedforapurpose,shefeltaflickerinherstomach.Thenreturnedherselftoreality:
“Shewasthatshockedattheideayoumightbedabblinginfidelity?”
Jamieshruggedandchangedthesubject.
SomethingtweakedatLaurieaboutit,somethingshestilldidn’tunderstand,andastheywerebeingshowntotheirtable,sherealizedwhatitwas.
IfwhatJamiesaidwasmerelycreatedtobrushKirstenoff,whywashereluctanttotellher?
AfterDanandLauriegottogether,theyusedtoblowstudentloancashondinnersàdeux.WhatLaurierememberedwasgoingwildatthePizzaHutas-much-as-you-can-eatsaladbar,andbeingsosmittenandfullofchemicals,herstomachlikeaballoonknot,shecouldonlypickatit.Atwelve-inchstuffed-crustpepperoniwouldappeartobethesizeoftheIsleofWightand,anyway,shedidn’twanttodosomethingasunsexyasmasticateitinfrontofhernewobsession.Therewerealotofdoggybagsinherhallsofresidencefridge.DanthoughtthatLauriehadabirdlikeappetiteforthefirstyeartheyweretogether.(Hisscoffingabilitywasunaffected,however.)
Bycontrast,thebenefitofnotbeingonarealseconddatewithJamieCarter,orhighonthenaturaldrugofinfatuation,wasthatLauriewasmorethanabletodojusticetoasharedT-bonesteak,bonemarrowgravy,drippingfries,cheesymash,andcreamedspinach,afterJamiehadtakentheobligatoryphotographs.Thiswasthesquarestmealshe’dhadsincethebreakup,andshe’dreturnedtothefraywithgusto.
“Ican’tlookatanotherchipwithoutcrying,”Jamiesaidaftertwenty-fiveminutes.
“Quitter.Wouldn’twantyoufightingalongsidemeinanywar.”Sheshoveledthemoverontoherplate.
“I’mtryingtoworkoutwhatevidenceweproducefromthisevening,”Jamiesaid.“Asasterncriticofmyownwork,IthinktheIvywasatrifleobvious,abitonthenose.Ishouldn’thavegoneFacebook,IneverdoFacebook,really.ThisonewillbestrictlyforInstagram.”
Laurienodded.“Youknowbest.”
“ButI’mstillworriedthatanotherselfieisabit…meh.Andlaboringthepoint.Itdoesn’tfeelgenuine.Youknow?”
Laurierubbedherhandsonhernapkin.“Notreally,beingagrandmawithallthis.”
“You’dbesogoodatitthough.You’rephotogenicandwitty.”
Lauriebeamed.She’dtakeit.
Hefoundnofurtherinspirationbythetimethebillcame,andsaidindismay,“I’llputourposhHawksmoordinneronanInstagramstorybutotherthanthat,Igotnothing.Ican’ttagyouinit,asyou’renotonInstagram,butIwillhintyouwerethereinthecaption.”
“Imagineifwe’dknownthiswouldbeadulthood.”
Astheywalkedawayfromtherestaurant,twogirlsinfrontofthemweregigglingandholdingaphoneup,shiveringbarelegsgoingknock-kneedinthecold.
“Hangon…hangon.I’vegotit,I’vegottheidea,”Jamiesaidinalowvoice.“I’mprettysurewe’reinthebackgroundoftheirphotos.”
HedrewLaurieafewstepsforwardanddiscreetlycheckedwherethegirlswereagain.“OK,putyourhandovermyhand.”
JamieplaceditonLaurie’scheekbone,pullingherinandcuppingherfaceasifinadorationorabouttokiss,loweringhisgazeashedidso.Lauriealmostsnorted,butJamiehissed:“Hand,now!”Laurieputherpalmoverhis,feelingdistinctlyfoolish.
SecondslaterandJamiewasbeingunspeakablycharmingtothetwogirls—whohethoughtmight’veinadvertentlysnappedhimandhisgirlfriend,wouldtheymindif…?
TheyweredelightedtoAirDrophimthephotos,andJamiewasaspleasedwiththeresultsastheyweretosendthem.Lauriesquinted.Twohappytwenty-somethings,mouthsjammywithlipgloss,poutinginthefrontoftheframe.Totheirrear,JamieandLaurie,lookingtobeindeedinwhatthetabloidswouldtermaclinch.
Propstohisartisticdirection—itwasaveryRichardCurtispose,likeBridgetJoneswithMarkDarcyinthesnow.Itinvitedyoutoimaginewhatmighthavebeensaidsecondsbefore,andwhatmighthappensecondsafter.
Laurierememberedafilmanddirectorguythey’dmetatapartyofupwardlymobilesinChorltonwhosaidthat“whatworksonscreencanbetoomuchintheroom”andthat“MichaelCaineislikeaship’sfoghorn!”—thesameseemedtoapplyhere.Thefaceclaspinghadseemedvery“swellingstrings”andpurpleinreallife,butonthephonescreen,itlookedlikeanauthenticprivatemoment.Jamie’slookofpassion,Laurie’shandoverhis,soaffectionateandnatural.Lauriemadeanotetonever,evertrustphotographspostedonline.Theycouldbeasdesignedandstage-managedasmuchasanypoliticalposter.
“NoneedtopraisemetotheskiesforthisgonzoBRILLIANCE,”Jamiesaid,almosthugginghimselfwithglee.Heskimmedthroughfilteroptions,turnedthelightuponitsoJamieandLaurieweremoredistinct,andpostedittohisInstagram.HeflashedhisscreenatLaurie.Shereadthecaption.
“Whenyouaccidentallyphotobombsomeone’sbirthdaybutthey’reniceenoughtogiveyoutheevidence.Happy21st,Madeleine!”
Jamiewasfizzing.
“It’sperfect.Noone’sgoingtoguesswesawthemtakingtheselfiesandmaneuveredourselvesintoit,eveniftheywereskepticaloftheIvyshot.It’stoohigh-concept.They’llapplythesimplestexplanation,andforonce,Occam’srazoriswrong.”
“Youcallmeanaturallawyerbutyou’renoslouchyourself.”
WhenLauriegotin,herphoneblipped.
Jamie
Youknowhowyouthoughtthiswasawashoutandnoonewouldbelievewewereseeingeachother?
Laurie
Yes
Jamie
ArecentlyjoinedInstagramuser,withnophotospostedyet,whodoesn’tfollowme—one“DanPriceMcr”—watchedmystorywiththeHawksmoorfood.Soyouofficiallyhavehisattention.Enoughtosetupastalkingaccount.
Laurie
OMG.But…whydidheusehisrealname,ifheknewyou’dseehisname?
Jamie
Ifhe’snewtoInsta,myguessishedoesn’trealizeStoriesaren’tlikepostsonyourgeneralprofile,youcanseewho’slookedatthem.Itwon’tbehisfinestminutesonEarthwhenherealizes…x
Lauriewenttobedwithanincreasedheartrate,mindwhirring.ShehadbeenscaredshecouldnolongerwinDan’sattention,somuchsoshe’dnotforecasthowshe’dfeel,knowingforsureshehadit.Itwasunexpectedlydaunting.
Lyinginbed,shewonderedoncemorehowthey’dgottentothispoint.
SheandDanhadhadagoodoriginsstory,andtheywereoftenpromptedtotellitfornewarrivalsatanyChorltonpartiestheywentto.
Itwasfreshers’weekatLiverpool,andLauriewassohomesickshe’dcriedherselftosleepeverynight,pastingonbravadoeveryday,alongwithherRimmelLastingFinishinMauveMaxx.
Shecouldrememberwithtotalclarityhowitfelt,asifeveryoneelsehadbeenintroducedonsomeotheroccasionandwererightintheflowofit,whilesheachedwithinsecurityandinadequacy.Nooneelse,shewassure,feltthewayshedid.Andwhatweretheydoing?
Lauriewasavirgin,she’dnevertakendrugsunlessyoucountedweed,whichcametoanabruptendafteraterriblereactiontobeingcross-fadedatDeanPollock’shousewhenshewassixteen.Shesecretlydidn’treallylikehowbeertasted,orwanttogetparalytic,orswallowpills:shewassureshe’dendupthecautionarymisadventurestorywithherinquestreportedintheDailyMail
ShehadbeenSaffytohermum’sEddyinAbFab—whatdidaSaffydoasastudent?
ThisFridaynight,LauriewasintheeyeofthestorminarowdybarncalledBarCaVa.Itcateredexoticallyfoul-flavoredshotstotheundergraduatepopulation,andwastheplaceyouwenttopreloadbeforegettingevenmoresteamingatsecondorthirdlocations.
ShewasinaPixiesT-shirtandjeans,hairinironicschoolgirlplaits(shewasinthestudentmodeofimmediatelyglommingontothethingsshewouldhavescornedandrejectedbackhome,includinghankeringafterthebattyflavorcombinationsinhermum’svegetariancooking).Shewaswithabunchofgirlsshemetinhallswhoseemedquiteloud,posh,andnotmuchherthing:twoofthemwerediscussingjoiningthehockeyclub.
Lauriewasvaguelyawareofagroupofladsinfancydressforsomeragweekstuntinthecorneroftheroombutdidn’tpaythemanyheeduntilagirlwithlongstraightbrownhairtumbledtothefloor,dramaticallypissed.Theladsdashedovertohelpherup.
“Sheneedstobetakenhome,”saidanAustinPowers,throughfalseteeth.“Whereareyoustaying?”
Thepetitegirl,likearagdoll,lookedtobemumbling,indistinctly.
Laurie’searsprickedupat“betakenhome.”Therewasnowayshewaslettingsomeonewho’dlosthermotorfunctionsbecarriedoutofherebyaloadofmenwhoLauriewouldbeunabletoidentifyinanIDparade.Shehadnotstartedherlawdegree,andyetwithherinnatefierysenseofrightandwrongandmoralduty,shesuspectedshemightbeagoodfitforit.
“She’sspannered,leaveher,”saidaZorro,aftertheyproppedthegirluprightinaseat.YoucouldjustaboutimagineshewasOKifyoudidn’tnoticehereyeswereclosed,likethecorpseinWeekendatBernie’s
“Wecan’tleaveherlikethis,”saidaHotDog.“Whereareherfriends?”
Theygingerlypokedaroundinapursethatwasattachedtothedrunkgirl’swristbyasmallloopofleather,andfoundahallsofresidencecard.
“Here’sherroomnumber,”saidZorro
Atthis,Laurieswiggedthelastofherdrinkandapproached.“Hi.Idon’tknowher,butmightbebetterformetotakeherhome?”
“Hell-LOH!”saidAustinPowers,trulyinhabitingtherole.“Ican’tspeakforherbutIwouldn’tmindyoutakingmehome.”
“Hi,”saidHotDog.“Andthankyou.”
“I’mLaurie,”shesaid,feelinguncharacteristicallyconfident.
“Lorry?Asinhaulage?”saidZorro.
“L-A-U-R-I-E.”
“Whatagreatname,”HotDogsaid.“Itwouldbemuch,muchbetterifyou’dtakeher,thankyousomuch.”
“Noproblem.”LauriesquatteddowntolevelofDrunkGirl.DrunkGirlappearedtobrieflyfocusonherandgaveherasloppylittlegrin.
“Harro,”sheslurred.“Youlooknice.”
“Thankyou.”Lauriegrinnedback.“Let’sgetyouhome,eh?Morefuntobesickinyourownbedthanhere.”Shehoistedherup,wrappingherarmaroundhertinyframe,andpreparedtoexitBarCaVa.
“Here’sherhallscard,”HotDogsaid,handingitover.“Thankyou.”
Lauriereadthenameonthecard.EMILYCLARKE.
ShenoticedHotDoghadkindeyes.Infact,hehadeyeswithsomuchpersonality,theycouldblazeoutofahotdogcostume.Theyfocusedonherintently.Youdidn’tseethateveryday.Youdidn’texpecttogetsexlooksfromafoamsausage.
“Thankyou,really,”HotDogsaid.“CanIgetintouchwithyou?Findoutifshe’sOK?”
EventhoughhisconcernwassupposedlyforDrunkGirl,Laurieknewitwasn’therhewaschieflyinterestedin.
LauriefoundaliplinerpencilinherbagandwroteherroomnumberandhallsonHotDog’sprofferedhand.Swappingmobilenumberswould’vemademoresense,buttheywereawayfromhome,playingrolesinarealmwherenormalrulesdidn’tapply.Lauriewasalmostself-consciouslyactingafilmicmoment,tobequirky,tobeamanicPixies-likingblackgirl.AndDanlateradmitted:“CanIhaveyourphonenumber?”wastooobviouslyhittingonher.
Itwassoeasy,thatwaswhatLaurieremembered.Thisfunny,cuteWelshladwithaslightlispandadrywitwaseverythingshedidn’tknowshewanteduntilthatmoment.Theycouldn’tstopsmilingateachotherbecauseitwassoright,andtheybothknewit.
Overthenextmonth,Laurielosthervirginity,discoveringsexwasn’tthatbigadealwhenyoufoundsomeoneyouwantedtodoitwith;wholikedyouasmuchasyoulikedthem,whowasasexhilaratedandterrifiedaboutpassingthatmilestoneasyouwere.
Andshe’dmadeafastfriendinEmily,thedrunkenwraithshe’drescued.
Itwasallgoodthingsturningupatonce,andLauriefeltherlifehadfinallytakenoff.
Oneday,lollingonherbedintheAmsterdam-windowredlightcastbythethickorangecurtainsinherhallsroom,alovestruckDanwasdiscussinginfidelity.Theybothrecoiledfromtheideathattheywouldeverbreakthesacredcovenantbetweenthem.Itwasunthinkable.TheywereRomeoandJulietwithoutthebalcony,thewarringdynasties,orthesuicidemisunderstanding.They’dhadwhisperedconversationsinthedarkaboutthefuture,theybothknewthiswasit.
“Let’spromiseeachother,hereandnow,”Dansaid,puttingouthishandforLaurietoshake.“Let’spledgethatifeitherofuseventhinksaboutbeingunfaithful,wetelltheotheronebeforeitcanstart.Thatwayneitherofuseverhastoworry.Completeandtotalhonesty.”
Theimprobabilitytheywereevergoingtodoitmadethesweetnessofexplicitlypledgingallthegreater.Laurieshookhishand,andtheykissed.
Shefeltlikelaughing,rememberingthatnow.Thewaylifewassosimpletokidsinlove.Findtherightperson,promisenottocheatonthem.It’snotdifficult!Theywerenevergoingtomakethestrange,tawdrymessestheirparents’generationhad.Theideatheirparentshadoncefeltthewaytheydidhadn’toccurredtothem.Eugh.
DanstalkingJamie’sonlinepresence:itwasatinyglimmerofbeingwantedbyhimagain,andLauriecraveditlikeadrug.22
“Howcanyouthinkit’srealwhenyou’renotatoothlesscroneintheMiddleAges?I’mreadingfromWikipediahere:Ithasnoscientificvalidityorexplanatorypower,”Bharatsaid.
“See,theycan’texplainit!”Disaid.
“No,youdiv,itmeansastrologycan’texplainanything.”
“Thenhowdoyouexplainstarsignsdescribingpeopleperfectly?MysisterisacompletelytypicalPisces,dreamyandcreative.IamaclassicVirgo.”
“Credulous?”
Theyweredoinganoldfavorite,runningthroughaBharatandDigreatesthit.Initsfamiliarity,Lauriewasfindingitasrelaxingaspanpipesinabirthingsuite,althoughperhapstheanalogywasunwiseandaboutofunmedicatedsearingpainwasalsoontheway.
ThemoodonMondayatSalter&Rowsonwasdecidedlydifferent,Laurienoticed.Lotsoflinesofsightrestinguponher,morefranticwhispering,conversationsthathappenedtoendassheneared.Therewasanoticeabletension,likethehushofexpectationwhenyouwalkintoaroompriortopublicspeaking.
Jamiewascorrect:iftheIvyphotohadseteveryonewondering,theHawksmoorshothadconvincedthem.Nowthegossipwasn’tifsheandJamieweresleepingtogether,itwasthattheywere.
AsLauriegrabbedsomepaperworkfromthecriminaloffice,Michaelinterceptedher.
“CanIhaveaquickword?”hesaid,brisklyleadingLaurietoastorecupboardwhichwasknowncolloquiallyasChurchill’sWarRooms,givenitwassolelyusedforhatchingplots,strategicplanning,andargumentstooviciousorsensitivefortheshopfloor.Andstorage.Itsmelledofcardboardandanewlyinstalledcarpet.
Afterthedoorclickedshut,Michaelturnedtoher.“You’rehangingoutwithJamieCarter,Ihear?”puttinganemphasisonhangingoutthatmadeitsoundimpossiblyobscene.
“Yes…?”
Heexhaledindisbeliefanddisgustattheconfirmation,handsonhips,shakinghishead.Lauriegotthefeelinghehadtogethimselfsteadybeforehecouldspeak.
“Thisisaverypoorjudgmentcall,andthelastthingIexpectedfromyou.IknowDanhashurtyou,butthisis…”Michaeltrailedoff.“Jesus,really?Him?”
Laurieshrugged.“It’sonlyacasualthing.”
“Iwould’veaskedyouforadrinkifIthoughtyouwereready.I’msurealotofguysherewould’ve.Butitwas—what,firstcomefirstserved?”
Laurie’seyeswidenedandshetookasharpbreathatthisinsult:theentitlement,thesenseofownership.Theideashehadnorighttohavesexwithsomeoneelse,whenMichaelhadbeenonthewaitinglistlonger.
“Youwhat?”
“I’mstrugglingtoseewhyelseyou’dchooseCarter.”
“Er…Becausehe’sfit?”
“He’sfit?Areyouseventeen?Andwithoutmoralcompass?C’mon,Loz!Whobodyswappedyou?”
Lauriesnorted.
IfMichaelwasinapub,ifthiswasafairfight,she’dgivehimverbalsthatwouldstopshortofakneeinthecrotch.Butthiswasn’tquitesoeasy.MichaelwastacitlywieldingtheonlypoweroverLauriethathehad—thethreatofbecominganenemywhowoulddoherunspecifiedharmswithinSalter&Rowson.AswithKerry,shehadtotreadcarefully,swallowingdowntheurgetotellhimtofuckoff.
“Iwasn’tawareIneededyoursign-offbeforeIcouldstartseeingsomeone,”Lauriesaidcalmly.
“Thisisn’tsomeone,Lozza,thisisJamiefuckingCarter.He’sarattlesnake.He’sricin.He’sthekindofenemyyouonlygetridofbypushinghimovertheReichenbachFalls.Doyouknowwhattheladsaresaying?They’resayingtheydon’twanttodiscusscaseswithyouincaseitturnsintopillowtalk.Youknoweveryone’salwayslikedyouandtrustedyou,butthat’sgoingtochangeifyoudon’twiseup.Fast.”
Lauriefoldedherarmsandlookedatthefloor.Somepartofherhadknownthiswascoming.She’dalwaysbeenawareSalter&Rowsonwasatoxicallysexistenvironment.Sheonlyneededtohearthewaythemeninthecriminaldepartmentdiscussedthepeopletheyrepresented,orlookatthegenderofwhoansweredphonesandmadecoffee,andwhogotthebonusesanddepartmentalheadships.
Lauriehadbeenprotected.Thecounterparttoaseniorman:aNiceGirl.Butasasinglewoman,shewasfairgamefortherough-and-tumbleofsuchpolitics.Shewas—apparently—daringtohavecarnalrelationswithamalethetestosteroneclubdidn’tlike,andthathadtobepunished.
“WhatexactlyisJamiesupposedtohavedonetoyoulottobesohated?”
Michaelspluttered.
“Tellme,”Lauriesaid.“AllIhearisbitchingabouthissuitsbeingtooflashandexpensive.”
“Iassumewe’respeakinginconfidence,”Michaelsaid,eyesblazing.
“Yesofcourse,”Lauriesnapped.“I’mstillcapableofindependentthought.”
“Whenhefirstturnedupandwantedtomakehismark,hewasatotaltosser.HepoachedloadsofAnt’scaseloadandthenbad-mouthedhiswork.”
“IthoughthewasgivenAnt’scaseloadbecauseAntwasoffwithhisCrohn’s?”
“Yeah,AntwasoffsickandcamebacktofindJamieCarter’sallbuttakenhisjob.There’sbigtrialsthatAnthaspreppedfor,likethedrugsfourhander,andCarterwaltzesin,getstwosuspendedsentencesandtakesthecreditwithStatlerandWaldorf.Swaggeringaroundlikeacock.”
Lauriesawhowthetrickwasworked:theallegedvillainywasentirelysubjective,amatteroftastenotsubstance:waltzingandswaggering.SheincreasinglysuspectedJamie’soffensewashisrefusaltoplaythepopularitygame.
“So,essentially,hisbigmisdemeanoristhatheefficientlytookcareoftheworkhe’dbeenaskedtocover?”
Michael’seyesbulged.
“He’sreallydoneanumberonyou,hasn’the?There’satheory,it’sarumor,but—rumblingsthathemightbegoingforapartnership.Canyouimagine?He’sbeenherefiveminutes,andtriestogetmadeourboss.Thenerveofthelittletwat.”
“Surelynot?He’stooyoungforthat.”
Michaelappearedtosimmerdownbyadegree,withthisremark.Possiblyasitimplieditwasanunfoundedrumor,ifLauriewasn’tcorroboratingit.
“Young,dumb,andfullof…”Heshotherarevolted,painedlook.
LauriehadbeenvaguelyawarethatMichaelhadasoftspotforher,butshehadnoideashe’dsparkthissortofpossessiveness.
Unless…Hehadharborednotions.ThatLauriemightnotbeinterestedinhimwasn’tafactorinhisaccounting.IfshewasseeingJamie,thenshemusthavealsobeenavailabletoMichael,becauseMichaelwasthebetterman.LauriewaspropertyandMichaelwasanhonestbroker,whohadbeensexuallygazumped.Itwasrevolting,discoveringtheantediluvianattitudesandvaluesthatlurkedjustbeneaththesurface.
“…Andthat’sbeforewegetontohimfuckingSalter’sniecewhohewasspecificallywarnednottofuck.SomeonesawhiminthePrincipalHotelwithher,soIthinkweallknowhowthatended.Shewaspracticallyateenager,forGod’ssake.That’swhoyou’redealingwith,someonewho’lltakewhathewants,nomatterthecosttoothers.”
Hmmm.Lauriesawtheminthebarofthishotel.Hadhebeenseenelsewhereinthebuildingtoo?Brandishingtheirkeycards?Itwashardtotell,asMichaelwouldnaturallyexaggeratetomakeitsoundmoredamning.
“Idon’tthinkhedidanythingwithher,didhe?”Lauriesaid.Ithelpedshehadnorealskininthisgame—Michaelwasn’tincontrolofhisemotions,shewas.
“Getreal,Laurie.Seriously.Ofcoursehedid.Youthinkamanlikethatpasseswhenit’sonoffer,onaplate,fromayoungpoutinginnocent?Shewasfollowinghimaroundlikeaschnauzer.Andheimmediatelydiscardsherwhenhe’sgotwhathewanted.Bastard.”
Lauriesaidnothing.Innocentschnauzerwasn’thowJamiehadcharacterizedEve,butthenshemightbedealingwithtwounreliablenarratorshere.Shehadafeelingthatthelessshesaid,thesoonerMichaelwouldrunoutofsteam.
“You’reveryhighlythoughtofhere,youknow,”Michaelsaid.
Ah,Lauriethought,nowthemanipulationchangestacktoGoodCop.Itwasasifshe’dneverbeeninacustodysuite.
“Thanks.”
“I’munclearwhyyou’drisktearingsomuchdownforsolittle.CarterwillhavefuckedofftosomepracticeinLondonbynextsummerandyou’llbeleftpickingupthepieces,inmorethanoneway.”
“Ithoughthewastryingtobemadepartner?”
“YouknowwhatImean.Hissortrapeandpillagethevillage,thenmoveontothenextone.He’saplunderer.Whywouldasmartwomanlikeyouwanttobeanotherofhismeaninglesstrophies?”
“OK.Firstofall,noone’srapingorpillaginganyone.Secondly,IthinkyoumightbewayoverthelineintellingmewhoIcanandcan’tspendtimewithoutofwork.”
Michaelscowled.LauriehadneverbeenintoMichael’sviciousarchdukeinBBCcostumedramatypeofgoodlooks,andrightnowshewasveryglad.ShehadasuspicionthatMichaelhatedJamiebecauseheremindedhimtoomuchofhimself.
“OK,I’vetriedtowarnyou,Loz.WhatcanIsay.Ditchhimnow,whileyoucanstillrepairthis.Weallknowyou’vebeenthroughatoughtimeandwe’dbepreparedtochalkitupasanindiscretion,ifitstoppednow.”
“Theroyal‘we’?Thewholecriminaldepartmentgetsavetoonmylovelife?”
“It’snotloveandit’snolife.Youheard.”
Hethrewthedooropenandstalkedoff.Lauriespottedthetactics:theflourishofadramaticexitgavehimtheupperhand.A“doasIsayorelse,”whenyoudidn’twanttospelloutthe“else.”
Laurie’schestwasheavingwithindignation,andthethingsshestillwantedtosay.Herfingersclenchedandunclenchedintofists.
WheneversheandJamiedecidedtoendthis,she’dhavelearnedthingsaboutothermenthatshecouldn’tunknow.
LauriehopedthedaywouldpickupafterMichael’scounselingsession,butinvain.
Adistrictjudgeinanextremelyfoulmoodgavehercitycenterbinarsonistathree-monthcustodialsentence,outinsixweeks,afterLauriearguedforasuspendedoneduetoitbeingafirstoffenseforcriminaldamageandthepigeonnotbeingharmed.Headdedtartlythat“hiscounselwouldhavebetterspenttheirtimeengagingwithplausibleoutcomesthantryingtoachieveextraordinarythingsattheexpenseofreality.”
Theprosecutorssmirked.
Herclientdidn’tquitefollowthelanguageortheargument,buthecouldtellthejudgewassayingLauriehadfuckedup,andheflippedherthefingerwhilethecuffswerebeingputon.Yes,yes,it’smyfaultyoutriedto“sendamessage”witha“cleansingfire”tothe“consumeristchimpanzees”oftheArndalemall.
LauriemessagedJamieonherwaybacktotellhimaboutMichael’shostilityanddidn’texpectanythingotherthanafewsympatheticallychosenemojisofbellsandclowns,sotossedherphoneintoherbagaftersending.
Secondsaftershetookherseatatherdesk,Jamieappearedinthedoorwayoftheiroffice,fillingtheframe,ahandbracedonthedoorjamb.
“Laurie,yougotaminute?”
BharatandDibothgawped.NotonlywashebonkingLaurie,hewaspreparedtoapproachherdeskandspeaktoher,askingforprivateaudiences!Absolutelibertine.
Lauriehadalreadyforgottenhowludicrouslyprettyhewas:darkhairagainstsnow-whiteskin,expensiveink-bluesuitjacketgapingopentoaslimmidriff,cladinnarrowcut,palebluedesignershirt.YoucouldwhipoutaNikonandsnaphim,standingthereashewas,andprobablywinanaward.
“Let’snotriskthelift,eh,”hesaid,andtheytookthestairs,thereceptionistswatchingthempassthroughthelobbyasifElviswasleavingthebuilding.
Whentheywereatsafedistance,Jamiesaid:“Michael’sbeenaggrowithyou?”
“Yes.PrettymuchpromisingmepariahstatusifIkeepseeingyou.”
Jamieexhaled.“Thisisbeyondshit,isn’tit?Whatbusinessisitofhis?”
“It’strulywarped.LikeIshould’veputmyselfupforbidsinafairandopendemocraticprocessandnotselfishlydecidedwhoIwantedtodatemyself.Hepaintedyouasborderlinesexoffender.”
Laurieknewshewasbeingslightlyindiscreetbutshewasrattled,andshewantedJamie’ssupport.AndMichaeldespisinghimwashardlyunknowntoJamie.
“Whatacreep.”Jamieshookhishead.“Imaginebullyingandintimidatingawomanaboutherchoicesinherprivatelifeandthinkingyou’retheonerespectingher.Ididwarnyouhehadathingforyou.”
“Ididn’tthinkitwouldturnsonasty.HeandIhavealwaysgoton,heknowsI’msound.We’veworkedtogetherforsixorsevenyears.Onephotoofme—well,two—lookingcozywithyou,and,boom,allgone.”
“Mmm.Welcometobeingoutsidethecircleoftrustinthisplace.It’slikeTheRevenantwithoutthesnow.”
Lauriesmiled.Jamielikedhisfilmreferences.
“WhydoesMichaeldespiseyousomuch?”sheasked.MightaswellgetJamie’sside,whichshedidn’ttrusteither.
“Oh,he’sloathedmefromthewordgo.HisbigmateAnthonyBarrattwasoff,Igotgivenhiscaseload,andtherewasloadsofstuffmissing.IhadtoaskfordocumentsfromtheCPSandgetanadjournment.Imeanhewassick,there’snoshamethathedroppedtheoddball,butwhatwasIsupposedtodo?Fuckthecasesupandgetmarksagainstmyname,fiveminutesafterIjoined,tospareAnt’sdignity?”
“ItsaystoomuchaboutthisplacethatIthinktheanswerisyes.Youaredescribingwhattheycallateamplayer.”
“Huh.Morelikeafallguyfortheirmachobullshit.”
Subservience,thatwastheword,thatwaswhattheydemandedfromLaurie,fromwomen,butalsofromJamie.Maybehewasn’tdisgracefullycocky;maybehe’dsimplynotfelttheneedtotonedownhisself-assuranceinordertobeliked.Whichwasquitelikableinitself—tothineownselfbetrue.
LauriecombedhermemoryforanyexampleofJamie’sarroganceandcouldonlycomeupwithinstancesofhimbeinghardworking,andunapologeticaboutthefact.Whichirkedpeople,andtoLaurie’schagrin,hadirkedhertoo.
Thecultureheredependedsomuchonplayingthegame,they’dallceasedtonoticethattheywereplayingit.
“ShallIhaveaword?”headded.
“How?Imean…Why?”
“Inthisalt-verse”—Jamieloweredhisvoice—“you’remygirlfriend,andifacolleaguewashavingagoatmygirlfriend,I’dstickupforher.I’mmindedtoasamate,anyway.”
“Thanks,butthatwouldsendMichaeluplikeaRomancandle.Ithinkwehavetotoughitoutsayingaslittleaswecan.”
Jamienodded.
“Also,theideaMichaelhasarighttoanopinionhere,fullstop,makesmefume.”
“Erm…”Jamielookedatthegroundandscratchedhisneck.
“What?”
Secondslater,Danwalkedpastwithanothercolleaguefromcivil.CatchingsightofLaurieandJamie,Danboggled,wide-eyedinshock,andlookedaway.
“Hi,”Jamiesaidwithasmall,politesmile.NeitherDan,orthemanhewaswith,spoke.Fullblanking.Lauriedidn’tacknowledgethem,soshewasn’tsureshecouldlegallyclaimblanking.
“Iflookscouldkill,I’dbeintheICUatManchesterRoyalrightnow,”Jamiesaid.
LauriegaveJamieawansmile,heartthumping.
Thistime,Lauriefacedthefacttherewasnoputtingthegeniebackinthelamp.EvenifshesaidSURPRISE,EARLYAPRILFOOL,GUYS,WEWEREN’TDATING!itwouldn’thelpmattersnow.
She’dhada“fling”withtheofficescoundrelandthatwasonherrecordforever.Danwasperturbed.Butnotenoughtosayanythingtoher.Hadsheachievedhergoal?Wasthiswhatshewanted?
“You’reOK,though?”Jamiesaid.“You’renotgoingtoletMichaelgettoyou?”
“Nah,”Lauriesaidwitharuefulsmile.
“Right.Hereifyouneedme,”Jamiesaid,andsqueezedhershoulder.Itfeltgoodtohaveanally.Thentheybrokeeyecontactasitvisiblycrossedboththeirmindsthatthiswasamomentarealcouplemightquickkissonparting,andJamiebeatahastyretreatbackintothebuilding.
AnuncomfortablethoughtoccurredtoLaurie,asshereturnedtoherdesk—thismightbenefitJamiealotmorethanher.Jamie’sreputationwasn’ttakinganyhitforhisliaisonwithLaurie,andhemightyetgethisnameabovethedoor.Laurie,meanwhile,hadn’tpricedtheeffectonhersintothepolicyofupsettingDan.
WhatdoIhavetolose?she’daskedinadevil-may-caremanner.Theanswer:hergoodname.
Andwhenshe’dsaidshecravedmakingDanjealous,she’domittedacrucialquestion,oneEmilytoldhersheusedwithherclients:Whatwouldsuccesslookandfeelliketoyou?(“Expectationmanagementiscrucial,ortheyshootthemessengereverytime,”shesaid.“Thatisrulenumberone.Getthemtodefineit,sotheresultisprovablywhattheyordered.You’dbeamazedhowmanypeoplearen’tcarefulwhattheywishfor.”)
Whatdidsheneedfromthisrevengecampaign?Laurieknew.Sheabsolutelyknew,butbecauseitwassosilly,sougly—givenablamelessbabywasinvolved—sodesperateandbeneathher,shehadpushedthethoughtaway.Andyet.Thereitwas.
Shehadtofaceitdirectly.
ShewantedDantowantherback.23
Itwashalfanhouruntilhometime,andLaurielongedfor5:30p.m.likealong-lostlover.Sheusedtoroutinelyworklate,butshe’dstartedtohonorherofficialclockingoff,totheminute.Whoorwhatwasgoingtostopher?
“Shehadafuneral,forhercat?”Bharatsaid.
“Noodlewastwenty!”Disaid.LauriewasTeamBharatonmattersinvolvingDi’ssisterKim,whodidappeartobesomewhatsemidetachedfromreality,asahealing-crystalproponentandanti-vaxxer.
“Itdoesn’tgetlessridiculouswitheachpassingyear.”
“Noodlewasknowninthearea;shewantedtogivepeopleachancetopaytheirrespects.”
“Werethere…readings?”
Dipursedherlips.“Acoupleofshortones.”
“Hahahaha!Oh,mylife!Imagineiftheneighborslookedoverthefence.Oh,hereIam,havingatotallynormalone,recitingapassagefromCorinthiansovertheburialsiteofaPersiancat.”
ThedetailsofthepassingofNoodlewereinterruptedbyKerry.
“Laurie.Mr.Salterwantstoseeyou,”shesaid,wearingmalignityandtriumphlikeaheadyperfume.“Areyoufreenow?”
“Oh?Yeah.”
Lauriehardgulpedandgotup.Thiswa…notgood.Thetimingsuggestedthathe’deitherheardaboutJamieorthearsonistorboth,andshewasabouttofaceareckoning.Kerrywasanimatedbyanexpectantenergythatcertainlysuggestedso.
“Gostraightthrough,”Kerrysaidwithamoueofhermouth,smoothingherpleatedskirtunderherbehindasshesatbackdownatherdesk.
Laurieknockedsoftlyandwaitedfor“Comein,”becauseKerrywasmorethancapableofsendingLaurieinunannouncedlikethat,tomakeherlookbad.
Mr.Salter’sofficewasastrangeseparaterealm,likebeinginDumbledore’s
Youonlyeversawthisinterioronhiring,firing,promotions,orsignificantbollockings,soitwasimpossibletodisassociateitwithquakingfear.
Itprobablylookedalotlikemanyaprovinciallawpartner’slair—bookcaseswithdeeplyboringtomesontort,acrystalwaterdecanter,framedphotosofprivatelyschooledprogeny.Mr.Salterhaduprighttwenty-somethingidenticaltwinsons,knownamongtheworkersastheWinklevosses.Mr.SalterhimselfwasaringerforBernieSanders.
“Ah,Laurie,hello,”hesaid,lookingupfrompapersonhisdesk,puttingdownapricy-lookingpen.Itremainedastatussymboloffullyprivateofficespace.IfLauriehadasolidsilverballpoint,it’dmysteriouslygomissingwithinhours.Hedidn’tsoundenraged.ButthenSalterneverraisedhisvoice;whywouldhe,whenhiscarefullychosenwordscouldsliceyouintosliverslikesashimi.
“Youwantedtoseeme?”
Hegesturedforhertosit.Jesus,hadMichaelbeenintoseehim?
“Yes.”Heleanedforwardonhisdesk,armsfolded.Mr.Salterwasaboutfivefootfive,sohehadachairthatmust’vebeenjackedtothehighestlevelsothathecouldtryforavagueloomingwhenyousatopposite.
“NowIwantyoutounderstandthateverythingweareabouttosaytoeachotherisbothentirelyconfidentialandentirelyofavoluntarynature.Youarenotinanytrouble.”
“Oh,”Lauriesaid.
“Yousoundsurprised?”Hesmiled.
“Hah,well…youworry,don’tyou.”
“Whatgoesonoutsidetheseofficesisbyandlarge,noneofmineorMr.Rowson’sbusiness.Itonlybecomesourbusinessifithasanysignificantbearingonthecompany’soperationalabilityorreputation.”
“Yes.”NotquitetallyingwithwhatJamiesaid,butgoon.
“Yetwealsofeelwehaveadutyofpastoralcaretowardlong-standingemployeesofgreatvaluetous.Suchasyourself.”
“Thankyou.”
“Inthespiritofthatcare,notinfeelingweareowedanaccount—I’mtoldthatyouandmyheadofcivilDanielPricearenolongerinarelationship?”HewavedatLaurienottospeakyetassheopenedhermouth.“AndthatyourselfandJamieCarterarenowinvolved.Asabosswhowouldalsoliketothinkofhimselfasafriend…”
Whoa.Lauriehadknownshehada“favorite”status,butSaltergettingsogooeyastoclaimhimselfherfriendwas,asBharatwouldsay,somenext-levelshit.
“I’dliketothinkthatyoufeelyou’rebeingtreatedwellbyyoungMr.Carter.Ithinkhe’sveryfortunateifhehassecuredyouraffections.”
“Thankyou.Yes,verywell.He’sgreatandwehavealotincommon.”Laurieblatheredthisoffthetopofherhead,asshe’dratherdieathousanddeathsthansayanythingtoSalterthatcouldbeconstruedascodeforrampantboffing.
“Doyou?”hesaid,withatonethatwasarealquestion,notcourtesy.
“Yes,we’rebothveryseriousaboutourwork…”Lauriesmiled.“Andequallyseriousabouteatinganddrinkingwellattheweekend.”
“Haha!Amentothat.”
Laurie’smainpointofbondingwithMr.SalterwhentheyhadtomakeChristmaspartysmalltalkwasalwayshiswinecellar,andbotchedattemptsatcooking
“OK,good.Good.I’dneverhaveputyoutwotogether,butifit’sworkingwellforbothofyou,good.You’reattendingtheChristmasparty,Ihope?”
“Oh,yes,absolutely,”Lauriesaid.Gah.
“Good,good.Well,thatwasall.MarvelousstuffwiththeBrandoncase.”
“Oh,thankyou!”ThatwasaFoundInnocentofAllChargesofweeksback.
LauriebeamedasshepassedKerryonherwayout,whoglaredbackwithbarelyconcealeddisappointmentandirritation.Hah,Kerrywasn’tascluedupasshelikedtopretend,then,ifshehadn’tknownthatwasgoingtobebenign.
LauriewaiteduntilshewasleavingforthedaytoWhatsAppJamieandsayshemight’vejustgivenhimamajorboosttohishopesofpromotion.
Jamie
Seriously?YOUBEAUTY.Thanks,L.Jx
Stillglowing,shewasstoppedinthelobbybytheofficejunior,Jasmine,theirtraineelegalclerk.
“AreyouseeingJamieCarter?”shesaid,pushingstrandsofherlong,thinhairoutofhermoonlikeface.ShehadhuntedeyesandatremulousdemeanorthatmadeLaurieworryforher.
“I’mnotquitesureyou’vegottherighttoaskmethat,Jasmine,”Lauriesaid,takenaback.
“No,sorry.Everyoneistalkingaboutthatphotoofyou…together.”JasminesomehowmanagedtomakeitsoundlikeitwasworthyofPornhub.
“Well…yes,”Lauriesaid,shrugging.
“Ididn’tthinkyoulikedhim?”
“Hah,why?”
“Yousaidhewas,uh,untrustworthy.Yousaidhecouldneverbetrusted.Yousaidhewaslikeatomcatthathadnotbeenneutered.”
JasminesoundedasifshewasreadingatranslationfromtheoriginalTurkishandLauriebitbacktheimpulsetoshrug:DidI,sowhat?asthisclearlymatteredtoJasmine.
“Ah.Snapjudgment,Isuppose?Don’tpaytoomuchattentiontome.”
Jasmine’sexpressionspelledconfusionandbetrayalandshesearchedLaurie’sfaceintentlyforsomething.Oh,no.LaurierealizedwhatJasminewassearchingfor—nothingaboutLaurie,perse,butwhatspecificallyJamieCarterhadfallenfor.ThankstoLaurieverbalizingherantipathytoJamie,Jasmine’sfeveredimaginingshadnevergaugedherasathreat,andyetthereLauriewas,suddenlybyhisside.
PoorJasmine.Shehadthestrainedlookonherfaceofthestrickenboybandgroupiewhowasabouttoletoutaprimordialhowloflongingandbewrestledawaybyburlysecurity.
“He’snice…butit’sverynew,”Lauriesaid.“Whoknowswhereit’llgo.Ifanywhere.”
“Oh?”Jasminesaid,atfirstinsurprise,andherlookofhorrordeepened.LauriewasmessingwithJasmine’sfuturehusbandandcaptainofherheartfornothingserious,thefacetiouswhore!
WhatwaslefttoLaurietosay,ascomfort?
“I’msurehe’dsaythesame,”Lauriesaid.
“Actually,hetoldJemmayouwerethefunniest,cleverestpersonhe’devermet.”
“Aw,didhe?”Lauriesaid,genuinelytouched.
“Don’thurthim!”Jasminesaidinasuddenimpassionedcry,andrushedout,apparentlywith“somethinginhereye.”
SheleftabemusedLauriestaringatthreereceptionists,forwhomChristmashadcomeearly.24
“Strikeone,hehademptychampagnebottlesusedasdecorinhisroom,”Emilysaid.“Striketwo,hehasseenMumfordandSons”—shepaused—“live.”
“Hewasunlikelytohaveseenthemdead,”Lauriesaid,shiftingtheglacécherryonthecocktailstickoutofthewaytodrinkfromherglassofrumandcrushedice.
“Morerespectifhehad,andwasholdingadrippingcutlasswhenthepolicearrived.Strikethree,hadatattoooftheCoca-Colalogo.Iaskedhimwhyandhesaiditwasaprivatejokeabouthisloveofcoke.Ifuckingmean.Rockandroll.Shineon,youcrazydiamond.Farewell,Josh.Itwaslikethe‘financialadvisorhasitlarge’starterpack.”
EmilywasholdingcourtonherlatestTindercalamity,havingorganizedanightattheLiarsClub,asubterraneantikibarand“tropicalhideaway”ofkitsch.Itwasalluplightersanddownlightersandmuralsofpalmtreesonbrickwork,andLauriewassureshewasmeanttoscornitasnaff,butshelovedit.
EmilyhadinvitedNadia,herradicalfeminist,medievalhistorylecturerfriendwhoalwaysworeaclochehatandascowl.
Emilywaslikethis,aneffortlesscollectorofpeople,thoughnotinastatus-ledormeretriciousway.Justasanenthusiast.Peopleseemedtoattachthemselvestoher,asifshewasVelcro.Emilyhadworkedonanaccountattheuniversityandcomeawaywithfriendsinacademia.
DanhadmetNadiaonceandwasn’tafan.“Likewalkingdirectlybehindasandtruck,”washisview.
“She’salot,”Emilyhadsaidwhenmakingthisplan.“Canyoucopewithher‘killallmen’stanceatthemoment?”
“Copewithit?Iwelcomeit,”Lauriesaid.
“Thisismyview,”Nadiasaidnow,afterfurthercrimesofJoshbeingselfishinbedhadbeenenumerated.“Involvementwithamaninourpatriarchalsocietyislikeexpectinghomeopathicmedicinetocureyou.You’renotgoingtogetbetterbytakingatinydoseofthethingthatmadeyousickinthefirstplace.”
Nadiawas“self-loathingstraight,”accordingtoEmilyandtriedtoresistentanglementsonthebasisofitconflictingwithherpolitics.Somepeople—OK,most—wouldcallNadiaadementedfundamentalist,butLaurieratherlikedthecourageofherconviction.
WhenNadiawasintheloo,LaurieexplainedthelatestonProjectRevengeandthat,sofar,shehadnotgotthetwistedpleasurefromitthatshewassupposedto.
“Ididtrytowarnyou.You’rethewrongfitforthis,becauseyou’reoverburdenedwithconscience,”Emilysaid.“I’dbecacklingwhilelookingintomyDisneyqueenmirror,whisperingtomyalbinopetaboutit,butthat’snotyou.”
“It’smademewonderif…”Lauriepaused.“IfI’dstilltakeDanback.”Itwashardanddebasingtoadmit.Notleastasthatwouldnowaffectaninnocentchild.Laurieneverhadadadaround—wasshereallygoingtopaythatforward?
“Wouldyou?”Emilysaid.
“Idon’tknow.”
“Thepointwhenit’sadefiniteno,that’swhenyou’recured.”
Laurienodded.Sheknewthatdaywouldcome,butshewassureitwouldfeellikepissed-onsizzlingashesanddefeat,notclosureorjubilation.
“Behonestwithme.WasthisallwrittenwhenIdidn’tchuckhimovertheone-nightstand?Isthismypaybackforbeingawalkover?”
“Hesaiditwasahorriblemistakeandaskedforforgivenessandyoutrustedhim.Thatwasabigthingtodo.Youhavetohavetrustinarelationship,orwhat’sthepoint?”
Laurienodded.“I’mnevergoingtotrustonthatscaleagain.Onestrike,out.”Shesoundedasvehementasshefelt.
Itwashighlysecret,thatdetailoftheirpast.Itwassolongburiedandunspokenaboutit,Laurieoccasionallyforgotithadeverhappenedatall.OnlyEmily,andtheladsofHugo’sstagdofromtenyearsago,knewaboutit.Well,andAlexandrafromTotnes,whohadspentaquarterofanhouratophim.ItwasinacastleinIreland,andacadaverous-lookingDanhadcrashedbackthroughthedooronSundaynight,wailingtoLauriethathehaddonesomethingso,so,soawful.Laurieassumedhe’dputaroundofagedmaltsonhiscreditcard.Hetoldher,thenpromptlyrantothekitchenandvomitedinthesink.
Lauriewasaghast,hurt,confused.Butfacedwithhisabjectcontrition,hisprotestationsthathe’dratherneverdrinkagainthandoanythinglikethat,itdidn’tcrossherminditwouldbetheendofthem.
Nadiarejoinedthem.
“Nads,Ifeelasifwearealwaysdoingintimatedetailsaboutmylifeatthemoment,like…emotionalgynecology,”Lauriesaid,highonrunning,solidarity,andCaptainMorgan.“IwasaskingEmilyifIwasamassiveidiottoforgiveDanaone-nightstandonastagdo,tenyearsago.”
“Yes,”Nadiasaid.
Emilygasp-laughedandLauriejustlaughed.
Nadiagaveasmallbewilderedsmile.Lauriesuspectedshewasusedtootherwomenbeingupsetbyher,anditwasanoveltytobetakenstraight,ingoodfaith.
“Iloveyourclarity!”Lauriesaid.
“Wouldhehaveforgivenyouthesame?”Nadiasaid.
“No.Hesaidhewouldn’thave.”
“There’syouranswer,then.Whyshouldyouhavedone?”
Lauriewasn’toftenstunnedintocontemplativesilence.Danhadplayedthisaspectashugelyromantic—Icouldn’tbearit!Ugh,thethought!Killmenowratherthanmakemethinkthisthought—andLauriehadtakenitasproofthattheirrelationshipshouldbesaved.Hismisstepwasn’tthestartof:Hey,yeah,we’llfalloffthewagonfromtimetotime,maybeweshouldmakethingsopen;itreaffirmedtheywantedtoprotectit.
Andyet—howhadLaurie,livinginsuchanoutwardlymodern,feminist,andequalpartnership,actuallybeenquiteunequal?Dangothisway,prettymuchallthetime.Hedidn’tgivetoLauriewhatLauriegavetohim.She’dnevernoticed.She’dthoughtsassyhumor,sharingthechores,andherownsalarywasthewholestory.
Buttheydevelopedroles,anditwasDanascossettedandindulgedtearawaykidtoLaurie’sdoting,responsibleadult.Shenevergottobedelinquent.
Inthismoment,shemadeherselfapromise:intheveryunlikelyeventshefoundherselfinlovewithanyoneagain,she’dassertherself.She’dsaywhatshewanted,notendlesslyaccommodatehisneeds.Ifthatmadeherabitchatanypoint,sobeit.Therewerenorewardstobeingawalkover.
“I’mUbering,”Emilysaid,outside,phoneinhand.“Donalisoneminuteaway.Ah,hereheis!”shesaid,asthecardrewupalongsideher.“Thanksforagreatnightout,girls.Wecan’tgobacktothatbarforthetimebeingbytheway.”
“What?Why?”Lauriesaid.“Ilikeditthere.”
“I’veswappednumberswiththebarman,Rob,soweneedtoseehowthatplaysout.”Shelookedatherphone.“SweetLord,he’smessagingmepicturesalready.Keeno.”Emilymadeaface.“Ooh.Filth.”
“What?His…thing?”Nadiasaid.
Emilypeeredatherscreenandswiped.“Bitofthing,someoftheother.”
“Bumhole?”Laurieaskedcheerfully.Shewasneverdatingagain,simpleasthat.
“Notbumhole,Imeanclothedonestoo!”
“Howhashetakenthatduringservice?Hebetternothavetouchedmydrinks!”Nadiasaid.
Emilystartedscreeching:“He’snottakenitNOW,hashe?!He’snotmadeofftothemen’s.”Emilymimedstickingaphonedownherleggings.
Laurieheldontothecarroof,shakingwithlaughter.
“Idon’tknowhowitworks,doI!”Nadiasaid.
“Youarebeingchargedforthistime,”Donalthedriversaid,outoftheopenwindow.25
Jamie
CanItalktoyouprivately?VegetarianPretat10?Itneedstobesomewherewewon’tbeoverheard(andnoonehere’svegetarian,right?)Jx
Laurie
Can’tbelieveyou’veescapedhearingaboutKerry’sadventuresinveganismwithpulledjackfruitburritos,youluckybastard?Sure,seeyoutherex
AnotherwiseboringWednesday,thefollowingweek,andLauriewashappytooblige.Bailapplicationpaperworkcouldwait.Whensheapproached,Jamiewasloiteringoutsideinalongcoat,lookingasifhemightpullabunchofflowersfrombehindhisback.Buthewasn’tsmiling,browfurrowed.
“Allright?”
“I’vebeenbetter,tobehonest,”hesaid.
“Oh?”
Jamieputapalmtohisforehead.
“OhGod,so.Thisissoawkward.”
“Hah,I’vegotaprettythickskinthesedays.Tryme.”
“Thisissomethingthatputsyouonthespot,though,”Jamiesaid,handsthrustinhispockets,staringathisfeet
“Ifweneedtocallthedealoff,it’sOK,youknow.I’msurebetweenuswecanworkoutadecentexcusethatsavesbothourfaces.”
Athoughtoccurredtoher:Hashebeencaughtwithsomeoneelse?Inawaythateveryonewillhearabout?Shereallydidn’tfancyfacingthepeculiarrepercussionsthatwouldinvolve,pretendingtheywerepolyamorous.
“Thethingis.I’vehadsomebadnews.”Jamielookedatherdirectly.Shecouldseetherealpainanddifficulty,then,andthatitwasnothingtodowithher.Ornotyet.
“Mydadcalledlastnight.He’sgotcancer.Gallbladder.It’snotcurable.”
Jamie’sfacewasstricken,hiseyesflatandempty.
“Shit,Jamie,I’msosorry.”
Henoddedandtherewasamomenttheydidn’tspeak.
“He’sgotayear,maybeeighteenmonths…Hedoesn’twantchemo.”
Therewasanelasticbandtautnesstohisvoicethatmadeitclearthelastfourwordshadinfactbeenavolatiledebate,andthatwastheconclusion.
LaurienoddedandputherhandonJamie’sarm.Thenmoveditawayagain.
“It’shissixty-fifthbirthdaythisweekend,backhome.He’sstillhavingtheparty.Hesaid:‘Icanuseittosaygoodbyetoeveryonenow,’”Jamiesaid,andashesaidit,hisvoicecracked,andLauriewincedslightlyforhimthathewasbeingforcedtoshowthisemotioninfrontofher,whenheclearlydidn’twantto.Jamieglancedawayashecomposedhimself.
ShepattedhisarmsupportivelyagainandJamiesaidthickly,“It’snotsunkin,tobehonest.I’mwalkingaroundthatofficeinadaze.”
“Idon’tblameyou.”
Heclearedhisthroat.
“ButmybestfriendHattiehashelpfullytoldthemaboutyou…”
“Ah.”
Aswithhisowningacatseemingoff-brand,Lauriedidn’tseeJamieasamanwithafemalebestfriend,somehow;thoughgivenhispopularityrankingswithwomenversusmensheguesseditmadesense.
“Yeah.ImeanobviouslyifIthrowmyself’roundsocialmediasayingIammadlyinlove,Ihavetoexpectsomeinquiries.Shewasn’tmeanttotellmybloodyparents.She’sshownthemthepictures.”Jamiegrittedhisteeth.“Havingheardyouexist,nowthey—mymumanddad—aregunsblazingthatIhavetobringyoutohisdo.”
Lauriesmiled.“Ah…”
“Mydad’sargumentwasthatwithouthisdiagnosis,I’dhavebroughtyoutomeetthemsoonerorlater.Hewantsthispartytobecelebratoryandsociableandnotatallsad,andthey’redyingtomeetyou.Heactuallyusedthosewordsandsaid‘nopun.’”Jamietriedtorollhiseyes,swallowinghardwiththeeffortofactingcasual,andLaurie’sheartwentouttohim.“Honestly,Itriedtoargueagainstit,butIwasflooredwiththenewshe’dgivenme.Heevenpulled‘whatifit’smyonlychancetomeether.’WhatdoIsaytothat?”
Jamie’seyesglitteredwiththethreatoftears,andheblinked.
Therewasasteadyingpause.
“Youseethequandary,”Jamiesaid.
“Doyouwantmetogo?”
“Ah,God.I’mnotsureIcouldaskyoutodothat?I’mmoresettingouttheproblem.Toasmartandsensitiveperson,whomightknowwhattosaytothem.”
Lauriewastouched.
“Ifyouwantmetogo,that’scool,”Lauriesaidevenly.“Butdoyouwantmeto?Ifyoufindthistooweird,thenIdon’tmindfiguringsomethingelseout.”
Jamieraisedhiseyebrows,facesuffusedwithsurprise.
“I’dloveyoutogo,Laurie,andI’dbeforevergrateful.Butareyousure?Myparents,awholeweekend?Asixty-fifthbirthday,withsausagerollsand‘ComeOnEileen’?”
“IlikesausagerollsandcomingonEileen,”Lauriesaid,andshehadn’tmeanttobebawdybutacceptedJamie’slaughterasifshehadintendedit.
“Thisissokind.I’dbeforeverinyourdebt,tobehonest,”Jamiesaid.
“Don’tworryaboutit,”Lauriesaid.“…Ifthey’veseenphotos,theyknowI’mblack?They’refinewiththat?”
Jamiedidasmalldoubletake.“Yeah.They’renotracist?”
“Sorry,notsayingtheyare,butstillworthchecking.I’vehadsomefunnymomentsinjobinterviewsandmeetingfriends’parentsinmytime.‘ButyournamesoundsEnglish,’andsoon.”
“God,”Jamiesaid.“No,it’sfine.Obviously.”
Laurienodded.Hemeantwell,butitwasn’tan“obviously”:shehadlearnednottotakeacceptanceforgranted,butnowwasn’tthetimetogetintothat
“And…they’renotgoingtoletusstayatahotel,”Jamiesaid.“But,whatIcoulddoissleeponthefloor?Thespareroomisbigenough.”
Lauriehooted.“OhGod,I’dnotthoughtofthat!Yeah,sure.”
Jamielookedmanydegreeslessanxiousthanwhenthey’dmet.“Thanks,Laurie.Really.”
ShelikedbeingthisunflappableLaurieagain.Go-with-the-flow-and-handle-itLaurie.Notthestiflingpresence,whomadelifefeellikeatunnel.Shemighthavestumbledintoamomentoflikingherself.
“Noworries.”Laurieadjustedherbagonhershoulder.“FridaytoSunday?”
“Yeah.I’llgetthetrainticketsandtextyouthetime,sayseven-ish,wecanmeetatPiccadillystation?”
“Seeyouthen.I’mgoinginforacoffee,wantone?”
“I’malreadyawashwithadrenaline,goingtoleavethecaffeinealone.”
Shenodded.
“Oh,Jamie?”
Heabruptlyturnedonhisheel.Laurie’sheartgavealittlesqueezethatshecouldseehelookedlessstricken,andaweight—ifnotthegreaterone—hadclearlybeenlifted.Whyhadhebeensoworriedaboutaskingher?PerhapshehadaslightlyskewedversionofLaurie,asshe’dhadofhim:angryballbusterwhointhefaceofhisanguish,wouldstillsayawhellno.
“Duh,justthought!Wheredotheylive?”
“Oh!Lincoln.I’mfromLincoln.It’saWildWestkindofatown,braceyourself.”Hegrinnedthatheartbreaker’sgrin.
Laurienoddedandheldapalmupasfarewell.
Insidetheshop,Lauriefeltpensive,andthefeel-goodfactorofhelpingJamiefadedfurtherasshewalkedbacktotheoffice,grippingthepapercup.
ItwasonethingtopantomimearelationshiptotheaudienceofSalter&Rowsonsolicitors.Theywerenowgoingtopretendtobeacoupleinfrontofhisdyingfatherandsoon-to-be-widowedmother?
Whatiftheyfoundoutthatshe’dliedtothem,andineffectmadeamockeryoftheirkindness,hospitality,andinterestinher?Whatiftheycouldn’tstandherandsheletJamiedown,andhewishedhe’dneveraskedher?Whatiftheyfellforhersohard,theyexpectedtoseeherthroughoutJamie’sfather’sillness?Onceyoustartedacharade,itwastrickytoworkouttheoptimumtimetoendit.
Ithadfeltsorewardingtosayhey,I’dloveto,toJamie,butshenowfeltthesizeofwhatshe’dpromised.However,Lauriereasonedwithherself,youdidn’thaveachoice.Ifyou’dmadeupanexcuse,they’dhaveinvitedyouthefollowingweekend.Shehadtodoit;thiswastheleastworstoption.
You’vetoldlies.Thelawofunintendedconsequences.
LauriewheeledhertrolleycaseacrosstheconcourseatPiccadillyinearlyeveningandimmediatelyspottedJamieamidthecrowd,hisexpressionmirroringherownsuppresseddiscomfort.
Goingawayfortheweekendtogether,sharingsleepingarrangements—itwasahugegearshiftupfromsteakdinnersandsillyphotoops,occasionswhentheyamicablypartedwaysatquarterpastnine.Lauriewasabouttointrudeonafamilyinakeymomentofcrisis,underfalsepretenses.Atrespasser,prankingthem.Shecouldn’tthinkofitwithoutherstomachsomersaulting,soifshecouldhelpit,shewouldtrynottothinkaboutit.
DamnEmilyforbeingsoright,tothepointofbeingaprophet(ofdoom).Intenselyintelligentpeoplewereexpectedtowearitheavily,topresentaspolysyllabic,andwithabibliography.Emilywaseverybitassharpinherunderstandingofhumannature,butbecausesheknewherwayaroundMAC,youweren’tprimedtoexpectitinthesameway.
Jamie,offduty,wasadifferentkindofshowy:adarkpeacoatwiththecollarturnedup(Lauriecouldnothavedonethatwithoutfeelingafool);acablesweateranddarkjeans;andlace-up,artfullyscuffedchestnut-brownshoes,whichhaddefinitelybeensoldasscuffedbyafashionablebrand.Lauriewasinherdufflejacketandopaquenavytights,andfeltherinadequacyascompaniontothisoffdutymemberofTakeThat,withthechiseledjaw.
“Hi!”Jamiesaid.“We’reonthe19:42,changeatSheffield.”
“Rightyouare.”
“Wantmetocarrythat?”hegesturedathertrolleycase.
Lauriesmiled.“No,no,thankyou.”
“ImightgetaGreggspasty,andthenwe’llfindtheplatform?”
Lauriegrinned.Notthatposh.Jamiehoistedabrownleatherduffelbagontohisshoulderandtheynavigatedthepost–rushhourcrushaspolitecompanions,likecolleaguesattendinganout-of-townconference.
Onthetrain,theygotatable,windowseatsfacingeachother.TheywerehemmedinbytwocorpulentmenwhofellasleepassoonastheywereatManchesterOxfordRoad,snoringlikewarthogs.
“Areanybrothersorsistersheadingbacktoo?ThisjourneyistheMr.andMrs.opportunityformetogetsomegirlfriendcribnotes.Revisionforanytests,”Lauriesaid.
“No,justme,”Jamiesaid.
“Areyouanonlychild,likeme?”
“You’reanonly?Picturedyouhavingolderbrothers.You’resofeistyandresilientindealingwithtwatsinouroffice,”Jamiesaid.“Andclientstoo,I’msure.”
“No.Iwish.I’dhavelikedsiblingsalot.Wheneverfriendstalkaboutfightsoverremotecontrols,I’mgreen-eyed.Youhavesomeoneelsewhosharedyourupbringing.There’snothingthatcanreplacethat.I’dloveaprotectiveolderbrothertodealwithsomeoftheshit.”
Jamiesplayedhishands,palmsdownonthetraintable,expensivemetalwatchfaceclinkingonthemoldedplastic.
“Laurie…There’ssomethingIshouldtellyou.Itmightcomeup.”
“OK…?”
“Ihadabrother.Joe.Hediedwhenwewerekids.Hewashitbyacar.”
“Oh!Jamie,I’msosorry.”
“Iwasnineandhewaseleven.FeelswrongtosayI’manonlychild.LikeI’merasinghimfromexistence.Ihaveabrother.He’snothere.”
“Yes,Iseethat,”Lauriesaid,notknowingwhatelsetosay.
Jamielookedoutthewindowatthedarksceneryrushingpast,musclestensedinhisjaw.
“I’msorry,”Lauriesaidagain,andJamienodded.
Evenmentioninghisnamehadcausedgrieftorisetothesurfaceinaninstant.Aswithhermotherandherfather’sbehavior,somethingsyouwereneverpast,thewayothersexpectedorwantedyoutobe.Instead,youlivedwithit.
Shedidn’tknowwhattosayotherthan,eventually,“Wantsomebiogforme?”
“Yes.Verymuchso,”Jamiesaid,smilingandrelaxingslightly.
“Mymumanddadhadaflingwhentheyweretwenty.Mymumknewmydadwasascoundrel,anddecidedthewaytogethimtostaywastogetuptheduffwithme.Shetoldhimshewasonthepill,andwasn’t.Thenshe’slike‘Butterfingers,we’regoingtobeparents!’andmydadsays:‘No,youare,seeya.’Andleavesher.”
“Christalive!”
“Yep.Then,Mumhasaterriblelaborwithmeandtherearecomplicationsthatmeanshecan’thaveanymorechildren.Theresheis,comingtotermswiththat,singleparent,nowtwenty-one,relationshipover,herparentsbackinMartinique.Hellish.”
LauriewonderedifhermumhadexperiencedtheemotionsthatLauriehadonDan’sdeparture.Peggyhadbeeninlovewithherfather,she’dneverdoubtedthat.Itwasclearfromtheweddingannouncement,shefeltsomething.WouldLauriefeelanythingwhensheheardDanwasmarrying,asheprobablywould?Itfeltsomewhatlessercomparedtofatherhood.Yeah:it’dstillhurt.Shecouldn’tbeartothinkshe’dnowcarrythiscrossfortherestofherlife.
“OhGod!Andyou’veneverseenyourdadsince?”
Laurieraisedanddroppedhershoulders.“Iseehimeveryyearorso;hehasafancyloftherentsoutinManchesterandaplaceinIbiza.It’snotarelationshipassuch,though.It’slikehehasarecurringcameoinmylife.AustinWatkinson,ifyou’veheardofhim?”
Jamie’smouthopenedslightlyandhesaid:“Haaaangon,notAustinWatkinson?Producer—DJguy?Madchester,etc.?”
“Yep,him.DancingaroundinthebackgroundoftheHappyMondays‘KinkyAfro’video,hangingoutwithTonyWilson.That’smypops.”Lauriemadethescathingintonationclear.
Jamie’smouthwasnowfullyopen.“That’scrazy!AustinWatkinsonisyourdad…Whydoesn’tanyoneatworkknowthis?Ordothey,andtheydislikemeenoughnottotellmetheinterestingstuff?”
“No,theydon’tknow.Bharatknows,andobviouslyDanknew,butIsaidnottomention.It’snotadreadsecretoranything,butIhavesolittletodowithhim,it’sprettyirrelevant.It’snotaconversationIwanttohave.”
“You’resoinsanelycool,”Jamiesaid,andshecouldseehemeantit,thathe’dblurteditandwasnowgoingpinkathavinggushed.“Notthat…notbecauseofyourdad,butbecauseyoudon’tshowoff.Youareallsubstance,notimage.”
“Hah,Iamdefinitelynotimage.”
Heblushedharder.“Ididn’t…youknowwhatImean.”
Laurie’sheartswelled.Sillygirl,becausethegood-lookingyoungermancalledyoucool?!Then:No,I’mallowedthis.EversinceDanleftme,I’veseenmyselfasafrumpymillstone.Adjustingmyself-image,it’swelcome
Laurierescuedhimbyadding:“It’sanextramindblowerbecauseoftheethnicity.”Shepointedatherface.“Asmuchasyoulogicallyknowtherewasawhiteparentinvolved,it’ssomehowstillunexpected,right?”
Jamiesmiledandnodded.
“Howdidyourmumcope,afteryourdaddroppedherinit?”
ShewasimpressedJamieaskedathoughtful,consideratequestion,ratherthancarryingonaskingherabouthernotoriousdad’spillsandraves.
“Upanddown.She’sasingerandthatdidn’tpaythebills,soshehadadmintempworkandthings.”
“Yourdaddidn’thelp?”
“Onlywhenhewasflush.Everyonceinawhilehe’ddumpathousandoreventwointomymum’scurrentaccountandthatnightwe’dhaveachippyteaandIgotacanofFanta.Butyouneverknewwhenthenextinstallmentmightarrive.Youcouldn’trelyonit.Orhim.”
“Jesus.Imean.Ifyoudon’tsupportyourkid,you’vefailedatthemostbasictestofadulthoodhaven’tyou?”
“Yep.Mumhadalotofboyfriends,andwhenoneofthosewasaroundtheytendedtohelpout.She’sahippiefree-spirittype.Freelove,norules…”
“Shemustbesoproudofhowwellyou’vedoneinlife,though?”
“Um…not…assuch.TheproblemformymumisI’mthekidwhotrashedherrelationshipandruinedherwomb.Ithinkshe…”
OneofthelargemenawokewithasnortanditprovidedhumorouspunctuationtoaspeechwhereLaurie’svoicewasgrowingthick.
“Ithinkshe’sstrugglednottoblameme.Ifyouwantmetobehonest.Iwasthereasonheleft.”
Lauriehadn’tmeantforthingstoturnprofound,andJamiewasstaringatherwithalooksofullofconcernitwasalmosttooheavytoreceive.
“Laurie,”hesaidquietly.Notaquestion,oranopeningtosayinganythingelse.Afullsentenceinitself.
“HeusedtopromisetocometoseemeasakidandtakemeonatripbacktoManchester,I’dgetready,bagpacked—IrememberedIhadthisrucksackwitharabbitonit—andwaitandwait.He’dcall…oh,he’dforgotten.WasnextweekOK,sweetheart?Asifkidsworkonthatsortoftimetableordelayedgratification.”
“Asifanyonedoes,”Jamiesaid.
“Yes.Still.Notasbigacrimeashisalbumsofincrediblylucrative‘chilloutanthems,’”Lauriesaid,andJamielaughed.Shecouldseehewasvaguelybedazzled.Thathisviewofherhadshifted.
WhileLauriewaspleased,itfeltcheap,asthesewerethingsthathadhappenedtoher,notthingsshe’dchosentodo.Someonewho’dbehavedasbadlyasherdaddidn’tdeservethisaura,bestowinghisciviliandaughterwithafrissonofrascallyexcitement.ItwasoneofthethingsthathadfrustratedhermostaboutDan,thatdespitehisbeingonhersideinmostthings,allherdadhadtodowascrackajokeandDanwouldbebadgeringhertoletbygonesbebygones.
“You’regoingtofindmyfamilysooooconventional,afterthis…”Jamiesaid.
“Finebyme.”
Lauriepaused.“IknowtheobviouspsychoanalysisisIsettleddownwithmyfirstboyfriendasadirectresult.ButIwouldn’thavegrabbedontoanyone.IwashappywithDan.Orwewere.”
“You’reasurvivor,”Jamiesaid.“Ofsomedifficultthings.Whatneedsexplainingorapologizingforaboutthat?”
Lauriehadneverthoughtofitthatwaybefore.She’dneverbeencalledasurvivor.Sheturnedthewordoverinhermind:shelikedhowitsounded,appliedtoher.Itwasn’tvictimhoodanditwasn’tself-aggrandizing,itwasaboutcoping.Andshehaddefinitelydonethat.Herspiritsrose.Jamiewasanunlikelychampion.Theysharedalookofnewunderstanding,astherefreshmentstrolleyrattledintoview.
Notallunintendedconsequenceswerebad.26
“Thereheis.”Jamiegesturedwiththecrookofhisarm,handstuffedincoatpocket,atatallbeamingman,afewyardsaway.
Jamie’sdad,Eric,waswaitingforthemontheplatforminawindbreaker,janglingcarkeysinhishand.Hedoesn’tlookill,Lauriethought.Hewasbalding,withroundedfeaturesandspectacles,notraceofJamiewhatsoever,toLaurie’seyes.Jamiehadtoldherhewasaretiredlawlecturerandthatwasexactlywhathelookedlike.Hehadtherightbearing.
“They’reveryBritish,Iwouldn’texpecttoomuchcancertalk,”Jamiehadsaidduringthejourney.“Mydadseesself-pityasavice.”
Theydidheartyintroductions,Jamiegivinghisdadahug.Shesteppedbackwhiletherewassomeclappingofshouldersandsecondroundhugging,thenJamie’sdadleaneddownandpeckedheronthecheekwithahello.Hetookhercasefromherwithoutasking.
“Easydrivehere?”Jamiesaid,andtheymadetheobligatorysmalltalkabouttrafficonthewaytothecar,overthenoiseofluggagewheelsonconcrete.
LauriecouldalmostseetheJamieCarterofmythandlegenddissolveoncontact.Noone,notevenPrinceattheheightofhisfame,Lauriereckoned,couldmaintaintheiradulthoodpersonaaroundtheirparents.Yourclosestfamilyreturnedyoutowhenceyou’dcame,whenyouwerestillaworkinprogress.Theyweren’tfooledforasecond.Olderyouwasaconstruct.
HedrovethemhomeinhisVolvo,Lauriehavingtoinsisttobeallowedtositintheback,sayingJamieshouldbeupfrontwithhisdad.
“Nowit’stoolateforaproperdinnerobviously,butwethoughtyoumightbepeckish,soyourmother’sgotalumpofStiltonandsomeporkpies.”
“Doyoulikeporkpies,Laurie?”Jamiesaid,turninginhisseat.
“Lovethem.Especiallywithpickleandmustard.”
“I’msureMarywillhavesome.OrwecansendJamietotheshop!”
“Goodforyou,Jamie,”Lauriesaid,andJamiemockhuffed.
Theyarrivedatthehouse,andLauriethought:hadanyoneaskedher,afewshortweeksago,whatJamieCarter’sbackgroundwas,she’dhavesaid,he’sdefinitelyfrommoney.Possiblyprivatelyschooled.Youdidn’tgethissortofconfidencefromnowhere.
Yetheretheywere,inaverypleasantbutordinarythreebedsemidetachedinasuburbofLincoln.
Jamie’smumwaswhohetookafterphysically,dark—presumablydyedheroriginalcolor—hairinabob,slenderframe,highcheekbones,thesameneatnose,darkblueeyes.ShewasaretiredreligiouseducationteacherandremindedLaurieofBaronessJoanBakewell.
Theypouredlotsofredwineandtheysataroundatableinadiningroomstackedwithbookshelves,andinsistedLaurieeat,eat.
Lauriewolfeddowncheeseoncrackersandgrapesandslicesofpieanddiscussedthelaw,crimeinManchester,politics.Hertwitchinessdisappearedinsmallincrements,untilshewashavingathoroughlynicetime.Shewaslessashamedofthefalsepretensesthatbroughtherhere.Yes,shemightnotbewhattheythoughtshewas,butherpleasureintheircompanywassincere,andshehopedviceversa.
TheCartersappeareddelightedshehadplentyofopinionsandinsights.Dan’sparentswerenicepeople,buttheywereprincipallyinterestedinthingsimmediatelyaroundthem,theneighbor’sintrusiveextension,theweather,theirownchildren.
Jamie’sparentswantedLaurie’stakeonworldaffairs,theywantedtoknowwhereshewasfrom(butina“yousoundnorthern…?”kindofway),whatmotivatedher.WhenJamiehadsaidtheybadlywantedhertovisit,shethoughtthatitwasexcitementorrelieftheirwaywardsonwassettlingdown.Whileitmightstillbethat,shecouldseetheysimplyenjoyedmeetingpeople.
“I’mveryimpressedatyourcommitmenttolegalaidcases,”hismothersaid,whenLauriedescribedwhyshefirstwantedtostudycriminallaw,andthateveryonedeservedadefense.“Mysonwantstomaketheworldabetterplace,butonlyforhimself.”
Theyalllaughed.
“Nothingwrongwithstartingwiththemaninthemirror,asMichaelJacksonsaid,”Jamiesaid.
“Ithinkatsomepointyou’resupposedtostoplookinginthemirror,”Lauriesaid,andhisparentshooted,slappedtheirthighs.
“Oh,Ilikeher,Jamie,Ireallylikeher,”hismumsaid,puttingherhandonLaurie’swrist.LauriesqueezedherhandinreturnandmetJamie’sawestruckgazeofgratitude,anditwasinsomeways,themostunexpectedlyrewardingsplitsecondofLaurie’slife.
TheyaskedhowJamieandLauriemet,andJamietoldtheliftstorywithmuchlightwit.Lauriewasgladtolethimtakeoverthere,stillpricklingatthefalsehood.
“Wesparked,youknow,andthatwasthat.”
Lauriegaveaforcedsmile.
Jamiehadbeenrightthatthecancerwasn’tpresent.Theyobviouslywantednormality,tostillmeetthegirlfriendandtalkinterestedlywithher,withouttheSwordofDamocleshangingoverthem
Whenitcametimetoturnin,LauriewentaheadandJamiehungback,tacitagreementit’dbeeasierforhertochangewithouthim.
Ithadbeenpeculiar,whenpacking,toplanaroundthehithertounexploredsocialoccasionof“sharingabedroomwithastraightmanyouwerenotintimatewith.”ShehadaLycratanktoptostandinforthesupportofabraovernight,andontopofthat,baggygranddadpajamas.She’dbroughtasilkpillow,becauseshewastooself-conscioustowearherusualturbantoprotectherhairfrombreakingagainstcotton.Eesh,she’dthoughtthiswouldbeeasierbecausetheyweren’tsleepingtogether;insomeways,itwasharder.
“I’llsleeponthefloor,”Jamiesaidinhoarsewhisper,tiptoeinginquietlywhenLauriewasinbed.
“Jamie,”Lauriehoarse-whisperedback.“Don’t,it’llbecrazyuncomfortableforyou,andifyourmumcomesinwithacupofteaandseesyou,it’sgoingtobeadisaster.You’llhavetostartmakingupliesI’maTrueLoveWaitser.Wecanputthisbigpillowbetweenuslikethis”—sheflumpeditontothebed—“asabreakwater.”
“Areyousure?”Jamiehissed.
“Yeah.”
“OK,thanks.”
“I’llshutmyeyeswhileyougetchanged,”Lauriewhisperedandtheystartedgiggling,stupiduncontrollablegiggling,asiftheywerenaughtykidsatasleepover.
“Thisissofuckingbizarre,”Jamiewhispered;andLauriesaid,“Tellingme!”
Shetwistedaroundandburiedherfaceinthepillow.
Momentslater,Jamiegotintobedbesideher.
“AmIsafetolook?”Lauriesaidinstagywhisper.
“No,Iamdoinganakeddance,it’sanightlyritualofmine,”Jamiereplied.
Lauriewasshakingwithlaughter.Itwaswelcomeandnecessary,thispuncturingofthetension.
“Yourparentsarefantastic,”Lauriesaid.
“Aw,thanks.Theylikedyoutoo.Youlooklikea‘youngMarshaHunt,’apparently.I’mnotsurewhosheis.”
“ShewasbeddedbyMickJagger.”
“Thatdoesn’tnarrowitdownreally,doesit?”
“Saysyou!”
“Oh,forfu—I’msickofthisperceptionofmeasthegreatestmanslagofthenorthwest,”hesaid.
“Thenbelessmanslag.Betheunslaggymanyouwanttoseeintheworld.”
“Pffft.I’mselective.”
“Thenselectfewerofthem.”
“Thiscountry.It’llsoonbeillegaltobeahumanman.”
Laurieheavedwithlaughter.
Theywhispered“n’night”toeachotherandLauriefeltgratefulthatshedidn’t,tothebestofherknowledge,snore.
ThenextthingLaurieknew,itwasdawn,andshehadanextremelydisorientatingmomentwhensheawoke,rememberingshewasintheEastMidlands,notChorlton,andthatthesleepingmaleformnexttoherwasn’tDan.Shecouldn’thelpwonderingwhatwouldhappenifshemovedthepillowaway,slippedherarmsaroundhim.Wouldherespond?
HowdidIgethere?shewondereddozily,thenitoccurredtoherthatwasabloodygoodquestion.27
JamiedecreedaFullTouristDaywasinordertoLaurie,andpointedoutthatitwouldyieldsomekillercontentforthe’Gram.
Lauriewasincreasinglyunsureshewantedtobekillercontentforthe’Gram,butagreed.ItwasobvioustheycouldsellitaslookhowseriousIam,I’vetakenhertomeetthefolksandyetneitherofthemsaidso,becauseitwasexploitingtherealreasontheywerecompelledtobehere,hisfather’sillness.
TheystartedwithatriptoLincolnCathedral,andJamieshowedLaurietheLincolnImp,alittlestonegrotesquewithsticky-outyears,nestledintheeaves
“First,heandhismateswenttoChesterfieldandtwistedthechurchspire,aproperimpruckus.Probablyallhadcansonthetrain,youknowthesortofthing.Inamedievaljusticeversionofalifeterm,thisone’sbehaviorwassobad,hegotturnedtostone,”Jamiesaid.“Verypunitive,consideringhewasayouthoffender.”
“Brutal,”Laurieagreed,takingaphoto.“ObviouslySatanwantedtosendamessagetotheotherimps.”
“Thelessonwetakefromthisis,keepyourdemonicchildrenunderclosesupervision.Somethinganyonewho’seateninafast-foodrestaurantfullofschoolkidscanfullyagreewith.”
Laurielaughed.“Doyouwantkids?”
Jamieshuddered.“Onehundredpercentno,nothankyou.Doyou?”
“I’mmorefifty-fifty.”
Lauriegotamentalflashimage,pulledstraightfromBodenKidscatalogue,ofherandJamiebumpingawinter-bundledtoddlerupsteps,holdingonetinyhandeach.SheneverfantasizedherchildrenwithDan;thismustbehappeningbecauseshewasentirelysafefromitspossibility.Shetestedheremotionsonthisfortheumpteenthtime.ItstillfeltlikeItem5(ii)onthegreatagendaoflifequestions,andcouldn’tbeansweredwithout5(i)—IfIFindAppropriateandWillingFather.
TheywalkedSteepHill,Lauriehadanosyaroundthefloristsandthegiftshops.Sheadmiredasilvernecklace,aleafonachain.“Can’tjustifyit,Ihavesomuchtrinketryalready.”
Theywalkedon.
“Hey,Laurie!”SheturnedandJamiesnappedaphotoofherabovehimonthestreet,turningtosmiledownathim.“GreatforChristmasshopping,’roundhere,”hesaid,“Entrenous.”
“Areyouinvitingmeback?”Lauriesaid,grinningoverthebundleofherscarf.
“Myparentswouldhaveyoubackinaheartbeat.”
“Unlikeyou,”Lauriesaid,andJamierolledhiseyesinanimpressionofatruculentpubescent.
“OK,Iwouldtoo.Whatever,yeah.Girlsarestupid.”
Itwassoeasy,thisplatonicromance.SheandJamiecouldcommunicatetheirlikingofandrespectforeachotherwithoutanyfearofitshadingintoandIwanttojumpyourbones.Herewaswhyshedidn’tbelievethecaricatureofJamieatSalter&Rowson—hewassomuchacomfortable,easyjoytobearound.Agenuinelyterriblepersoncouldn’tmimicwarmthlikethis,surely.
Lauriethoughtofsomethingshe’dnotfacedfullyuntilnow—shewasverylikelygoingtobealoneonChristmasDay.Emilywentsomewherelonghaulandhot,thedaybeforeChristmasEve,havingalwaysdeclaredherself“againstChristmas.”Lauriewouldbewelcometojoin,exceptsheneitherhadthemoneynortheinclinationforBali,andSalter&Rowsonwouldn’tgiveherthedaysofftomakethetravelworthit.
Laurie’smumdidn’tcelebrateitandwenttoherfriend,Wanda’s,inHebdenwheretheymadeawholeseabassandeveryonegottheirinstrumentsoutafterlunchforasingalong.ShewouldmostlikelybehappytohaveLaurie,buttheplacewascrammedtotherafterswithrandomsandshedidn’tfeelcomfortableimposingherself.Alsosingalongs?Shudderforever.
Herdad,hah.Godonlyknowswherehespentthetwenty-fifth.Facedowninapileofsubstances.Shewouldn’tbesurprisedifhedidn’tkeeptrackofthecalendarwellenoughtoknowitwasChrist’sbirthday.
SheandDanhadalwayseithergonetoCardifforhostedhisparents,hissister,andherboyfriend.ShesupposeditwouldbeMegan’sdebut,meetingthefamily.
Ohwell.Lauriewouldshopandplanforacompletesingle-womanbacchanal.Andshefanciedadoptingakitten,sodsociety’ssexiststereotypes.
TheyhadlunchattheWig&Mitre,apubthathadleapedstraightfromamagazineshootofthecoziestandmostpicturesqueinthecountry.
JamiehadpostedthephotoofLaurie—ShowingLauriethehistoricbirthplaceofalegendetc.—andhisphonewastheusualcascadeoflikesandcomments.
Thensomethingelsepinged,adifferentcolornotificationthatwasn’tInstagram,andinasmooth,practicedmoveJamiepalmedhisphoneandturneditover,screenfacingdown.Laurieknewitwassomethingshewasn’tmeanttoseeandthatitmustbefemaleinterest,andyetwonderedwhyhewashidingitfromher.Didheimagineshe’dobject?
Theybothplowedthroughlambshanksandmoundsofmashedpotato.Well,Lauriedid,Jamiedeclaredhimselfshortonappetite.
“I’mstressedaboutmydad’sspeechtoeveryoneatthepartytonight,”hesaid.“Idon’tknowifhe’sgoingtotellthemaboutthediagnosis.”
“Youdon’twanthimto?”
“Idon’t…know.Iwanthimtoifhewantsto,butI’llfinditoverwhelming.Ihaven’tstartedtoworkthroughhowIfeel,sohavingtonsofhismatesfromcollegeandmymum’ssewingcluballcominguptometearful,expectingmetodiscussit…”
“Iseethat.”
“Butifhedoesn’tmentionit…it’llstillbeexceptionallyemotional,knowingsomethingeveryoneelsedoesn’t.”
LaurieputherhandonJamie’sshoulderandsaid:“It’llbeOK.You’llbeOK.”
“Howdoyouknowthat?”Jamiesaid,butwithasmile.
“Becauseyou’reyouandhe’shimandeveryonecomingtonightcares.”
“Thankyou,”Jamiesaid,brightening.“Howdoyoudothat?”
“What?”
“Saytherightthing.”
“Oh…”Laurieblushed.“Well…You’reprettygoodatthattoo.Hey,lookatus.Becomingactualsortofmaybealmostfriends.”
Jamie’sgratefulsmilefaded,justalittle.Oddly,Lauriesuddenlyhadasenseshe’dsaidthewrongthing.Maybehedidn’tliketheresponsibilitytowardeachotherthatmightimply.
ThepartywasinafunctionroomatapubnearthecathedralcalledtheAdam&EveTavern,andJamie’sparentswentonaheadtodosomeprep.
Lauriehadbroughtatrustyfavoritewithhertowear,acreamdresswithbracelet-lengthsleevesandafullskirtthatDanusedtosayshelooked“properswitswoo”in.Itwasnicelymodestforafamilydo,shethought,dressybutnotloud,andnoexcesstitsorleg.
LauriecouldhearJamiebumpingarounddownstairsandriskedchangingwithoutwarninghim.Shewasholdingitagainstherfront,pullingherarmsthroughthesleeves,whenJamiewalkedintothebedroomandsaid,“Shit,sorry!”backingoutfast.
“No,it’sfine!I’mdecent!Couldyouzipmeup?”
Sheknewthisdresstobeaproperfiddle,itwasonethatDanalwaysdidforher,puttingdowntheconsoleforCallofDuty:BlackOps4onrequest,aslongasthegamewasn’tatacriticaljuncture.
“Er…sure.”
ShesensedJamie’sreluctance.Odd,shethought,thatsomeonewhoseprincipalhobbyinvolvedremovingclothesofpeoplehedidn’tknowverywell,wouldgetdiscomposedbyawomanhedidn’tfancy,almostwhollywearinganL.K.Bennettpromdress.Maybeitwasthenotfancyingthatmadeittricky.
Laurieturnedherbackandheldherhairclear,andJamiefumbledwiththezipper.Itsnaggedatbralevelandhesaid:“Oh…arseit.No,wait,I’llundoitandredoitagain,someofthefabric’sgotcaught.”
Wassheimagininghisjitters?Washealreadyantsyabouthisdad’sspeech?
HepulleditbackdowntothebaseofherspineandsuddenlyLauriefeltafrissonatthephysicalcontact,thewarmthofJamie’shandsonherskinandtheaironherexposedback.Hepulledagainandthistimeitsailedpastherbra,uptothebackofherneck.Sheletgoofherhair.
“DoIlookOK?”Lauriesaid,uponturningaround,anautomaticreflexinarelationship.Jamielookedawkwardoncemoreandsaid:“MorethanOK.Lovely.What’sthefamousEricClaptonsong?”
“‘Layla’?”
Jamielaughed.
“NottheoneaboutdiddlingGeorgeHarrison’swife,no.Imeant,‘WonderfulTonight.’”
She’dforeverbeabig-cityratherthanatownorvillageperson,andLincolnwasn’tacity-citybyLaurie’sreckoning,butshewasthoroughlycharmedbyit.TheAdam&Evewasagable-roofed,white-brickedeighteenth-centurytavernwithlow,exposedbeamsandthatwhiffofcharacterfulmustinessthatelderlyalehousesalwayshad.
Intheloungebar,abannerhungacrossabuffettableofsausagerolls,Scotcheggs,andcrisps,declaredHAPPY65TH,ERIC!!!!
Jamiewasimmediatelyclaimedbythemostlypensionable-agethrong,peopledeclaring“LasttimeIsawyou,youwerethathigh!”—gesturingadiminutiveheightwithanopenpalm—discussingbikerides,thewhereaboutsoflong-lostfriends,askingwhereheworkednow.
Nevertheless,Jamiebarelyleftherside,hishandoftenlightlyonherlowerback,fetchingheradrinkassoonasherglasswasempty,makingintroductions.Lauriefeltlookedafter.Shewasbeingbetterlookedafterbyapretendboyfriendthanshehadbeenbyherrealone.ThedynamicwithDanatpartieswasthathewasloud,drunk,andfunnyandshescoopedhimupattheend,whenhe’dbeslurringhowmuchhelubbedher.
AsLauriesippedherwine,sherealizedthiswaswhathadslippedawayinthelastfewyearswithDan—hisseeingher.Shebecamescenery,aprop.InthegrimordealthatwasTomandPri’swedding,perhapswhathehatedaboutdancingto“SomeoneLikeYou”wasthatforthreeminutes,Lauriehadafullclaimonhisattention.
Lauriewishedshehadthissortoffamily,shethought,asshesawJamie’sdadcallhimover,dragginghimtohissideinaroughembraceinfrontofruddy-facedmenofasimilarage,talkinganimatedly.Hersoulachedsomewhat.Youcouldmisssomuchandnotnoticeormind,untilthe“here’swhatyoucould’vewon”comparisonwasrightinfrontofyou.
Imagineaprouddad,whowasthereforyou.Thesolidityofit.
“Hello!YoumustbeLaurie?I’mHattie!”
Laurieturned.Apale,plumpgirlwithenormouseyes,inalow-cut1950s-styledresswithfruitonit,smiledather.
“Oh,you’reJamie’sbestfriend!”Laurieshookherhand.She’dsaidtherightthing,asHattielitup.
“DoyoumindifIhangwithyou;virtuallyeveryonehereissomeonewholastsawmenakedasakid,apartfromredwellies,playinginthesprinklerinJamie’sgarden.”
“Notatall.Idon’tknowanyoneeither.Butthankfullyabsolutelynooneherehasseenmenaked.”
“ApartfromJamie,”Hattiesaid.
“Ah,yeah.”Niceone,Laurie.
Theyweredistractedbythebangingofaforkonaglassandinamoment,JamiewasbackbyLaurie’sside,pausingtogiveHattieakissonthecheekandahug.
Maybeitwastheemotionorthesauvignonblanc,butLauriesensedJamiehadmovedbacktobenearherforthespeech,notforappearances’sake,butasshealonehereknewhefoundithard.
SheslidherarmaroundJamiesupportively,withoutpausingtothinkifthiswasatriflegropey.Theyweresomewhatoffthemap,intermsofwhatwasandwasn’tappropriatecontact.Shenoticedshe’dneveroncefearedJamietakingadvantageofthat.Hemighthavenihilisticviewsonmonogamybuthewasnoletchor,sofar,opportunist.
Jamiemovedherarmawayfromhisbodyandforaheart-stoppingmoment,Lauriethoughthewasrejectingthegesture.Instead,heswungheraroundtodirectlyinfrontofhim,andlinkedhisarmsaroundherwaist,thestancebelovedofannoyinglytouchy-feelycouplesatgigs.Sheputherhandsoverhis.
Thisfelt…good.Surprisinglygood.Lauriehadn’trealizedhowmuchshemissedbeingheldcloselikethis.
“Thankyouforcomingheretonighteveryone.Sixty-five,howdidthathappen!MauriceandKenherewillconfirmitwhenIsaythatwewereatschooltenyearsago,sothere’sbeensomeawfulaccountingerror.”Hepaused.“Idon’twanttodroneonself-importantlyandthisiskeepingyoufromthebuffetandthebar,somerelyaquickthank-youforbeinghere.Youdon’tknowwhatitmeanstome,especiallytonight.Yougettoanageinlifewherewhatreallymattersbecomesobvious.Andit’sfamilyandfriends.Lookaftereachother,bekindtoeachother.Ican’tabideoldborepubphilosopherswhothinkageconferswisdomuponthem,I’msuretherearetwenty-year-oldsherewhoarewiserthanme…”
“Mysonisn’t!”shoutedavoice,andeveryonelaughed.
“Butthere’ssomethingaboutgettingtothefinalfurlongthatallowsyoutoseeclearlywhatmattered,andwhatdidn’t.”
LauriesqueezedJamie’shands.Hegrippedhersmoretightlyinresponse.
“Moneydidn’tmatter.Promotionsdidn’tmatter.Feudsandcompetitionsandarguments,theydidn’tmatter.Beingsoundlybeatenatgolf…OK,thatstillmatters”—loudwhoopsfromthegolfcontingent—“butItellyouwhatIknowforsure.Youallmatter,verymuch.Timewiththeonesyoulove.That’sallthatmatters.”
Applause.
“Withthepowervestedinmeasthebirthdayboy,Inowdeclarethebuffetopen,”Ericconcluded.Moreapplause.
SheandJamiedisentangledtojoinin,andoncetheclappingsubsided,Hattiegrabbedapaperplateandannouncedshewasgoingtohammertheeggsandwiches.Thestampedeforthede-cling-filmedfoodpushedJamieandLaurieintoacorner.
Theylookedateachotherexpectantly,bothwaitingfortheothertospeak,butneitherdid.LauriefeltherstomachdoaslowlazyflopforwardaslookingateachotherturnedintoLookingatEachOther.Theirbeingtactile,ithadaffectedher.Shecouldn’tstopstaringatJamie’smouth.Hewasgazingatherequallyintentlyandshethought,Arewe…goingtokiss…?
Theirheadsmovedcloser.Herhandswereonhislowerarmsandhemovedthemaroundherwaist.OhGod,thiswasgenuinelyon.Therewasnootherreasonforthemtobeentangled,thiswasexplicit
Lauriedidn’tknowwhatthismeant,orwhyshesuddenlywantedtodoit,sheonlyknewshewantedtokisshimbadly.Sheevenfeltananticipatorythrob,somewhereintheregionofhergroin.Shedidn’texpectlusttomakeasurprisereappearanceinherlife,sosoon.
Forfuck’ssake,shewasmeanttobeimmunetohim!ShewasPenn&Telleringhisact,remember?Yeah,yeah,saidherlibido,emergingfromitslongwinter.Lauriedidn’tknowwhatstatustheywouldhave,ontheothersideofthekiss.
“AreyouEric’sson?”saidasomewhatbooze-amplified,maturefemalevoicerightbythem,causingthemtoabruptlystepback.
“Uhm,yeah?”saidJamie,turningtotheshortwomanwholookedlikeaTorypeer,inthehugepearlchokernecklace.
“Youmustbethenewgirlfriend.”
“Laurie,”Laurieaffirmed.
“Youcan’tkeepyourhandsoffher,canyou?”shesaidtoJamie,nudginghim,andbothLaurieandJamielaughedawkwardly,andcouldnolongermeeteachother’seyesatall.28
Asthepartyentereditslastgasp,HattiewasaportinastormforLaurie,andpossiblyviceversa.AsJamiedidfarewellsthatinvolvedworkingtheroomforanhour,HattiehadpulledchairstogetherandfetchedLaurieanightcapofaverystickyplum-flavoredvodka.
She’dknownJamiesincechildhoodwhentheirparentslivednextdoortoeachother.Sheworkedattheuniversity,puttingitsmagazinetogether.HerhusbandPadraigwashomewiththeirtwo-year-old,Roger.
“Iknow—Roger,”shesaid,thoughLauriehadhopedherreactionwasneutralpositive.“IwasonthegasandairwhenPadraiggotmetoagreetoit,itwashisfavoriteuncle’sname,hediedeatingpoisonousmushrooms.I’vewarmedtoit.Poorlittlebastard,hopehe’sOKatschool.Andnevergoesmushroomforaging.”
Shewasdisarming,unpretentious,andhumorous,andLauriereallytooktoher.
“You’renothinglikeIexpected,”Hattiesaid,andHattiewasn’tlikeanyoneLauriewouldhavepeggedasaJamieCarterBFFeither,expectingsomeoneflashier,moreconspicuous.Notsomeonewho’dstayedintheirchildhoodtown,contentwithherlot.
She’dnotbelievedJamieaboutnotadverselyjudgingotherchoicestohisown,andyetLauriewasforcedtoadmitherewasapowerfulcorroboration.
Anditwasobvioustheywerehonest-to-goodnessbestmates,fromthesibling-likeshorthandbetweenthemandHattie’scasuallywornandyetcontemporaneousknowledgeoftheinnerworkingsofSalter’s.
“Oh,why’sthat?”Lauriesaid,thinking,(1)black,(2)tooold,(3)notglamorousenough
Hattiesloppedherdrinkfromsidetoside.“Don’tbeoffended,asI’mclearlysayingyou’renotlikethis,butIexpectedatrophygirlwho’dspendthenightstudyinghergelmanicureandmessagingherfriendsabouthowbasicweallwere.ThesortwhopoststhoseBoomerangsofclinkingfluteswithherMeanGirls.”
Hattiemimedarepetitivebackward-and-forwardmotionwithherglassandastrainedMissWorldfull-teethsmile,andLauriehooted.
“Haha!I’mnotatrophy,agreed.”Lauriegrinned.
“No,youare.Butonewithrealvalue.IthoughtMrs.Jamiewouldbeaprincessymadam,that’sall.”
“IsthatbecauseyouthinkJamieisaprincessymadam?”Lauriesaid,butwithaconspiratorialsmiletomakeitclearshewasn’tlayingtraps.
“Hah!Nooo,well,hehasthatsidetohim,forsure,”Hattiesaid,andLauriecouldseebyhowslowherblinkingwasandtheslightfuzzoftheedgesofherspeech,thatshewasconsiderablydrunkerthanLaurie.Shewouldprobablycringeathavingsaidthisinthemorning.“He’salwayshadthisother,muchbettersidetohim.Moreserious,morereserved.Almostfiercelymoral,actually.Youfitwiththat.”
“Hashenotbroughtgirlfriendshomebefore?”
Hattielookedgobsmacked.“He’snottoldyouthis?No,never.TothepointwhereEricandMaryweretoldhemustbeacomforttohismother,lifelongbachelor,ifyouknowwhatImean.No.That’swhyIcouldn’tbelievemyeyeswhenhewaspostingphotoswithyou.Imean,thatislikepostingweddingbanns,forJamie.”
“Wow!”Lauriesaidfraudulently,thinkingHattiemusthaveheardhisviewsonsettlingdown,butwastactfullyskirtingaroundthemwithhisnewlove.
“Hewasterrifiedofcommitment,”Hattiesaid.“Butclearlyhe’sgotoverit.”
“Ahwell.I’mnot…youknow.Puttingtoomuchpressureonit.”
“Butyou’reinlovewithhim,right?”
“Uhm…yes.”
“He’smadlyinlovewithyou.Icanseeitinthewayhelooksatyou,thewayhe’ssoaffectionatewithyou.I’veneverseenhimlikethisbefore.He’stransformed.”
Lauriegrit-smiled,frowned,andneckedtherestofhervodkainone.
“Ifellinlovewithhimwhenweweretwelve,youknow,”Hattiesaid.“Thenrightthroughourteenageyears.”
Lauriethought,Hooboy.She’swrecked.Shemightnotevenremembersayingthis.“Really?!”
“Yeah.Nothingeverhappened,Ishouldsay”—Hattiewavedahandemphatically—“orwe’dnotbesuchgoodmatesnow.But,yeah,Iwasinlove,andheletmedowngently.Hecould’vesoeasilyexploitedit,andhedidn’t.Thatisthesideofhimselfhekeepsunderwraps.Whenyou’rehisfriend,hewillgototheendsoftheearthforyou,andhewon’ttolerateanyonebeingdamagingtowardyou.Whatsoever.”
“Right.”
“Maybethat’swhyhedoesn’tmakemanyfriends—lookingafterpeoplethatmuchisaburden.”
Laurienodded.So,she’dbeenright,earlier,whenshesawworryflitacrossJamie’sface.Hedidn’twanttheretobeanyobligationsafterthiswasfinished.Thiswasstrictlybusiness,notpleasure,howeverintimateitmightfeelattimes.
“And,”Hattiecontinued,“ofcourse,youknowwhathappenedwithhisbro—”
Jamieapproachedthem.
“Ilikeher,canwekeepher?”Hattiesaid,grabbingLaurieandplantingasloppyvodkakissonhercheek.
“Uh-oh.Haveyoubeendroppingmeinit,asperHats?”
“WouldI.”
Heruffledherhair.
“Inastrangeinversion,I’mdoneinandhavingtodragmyparentshome,”Jamiesaid.“Wouldyoubeupforheadingbacktogether?”
Laurieagreedreadily;shedidn’thaveanotherdrinkinher.Jamiehadstayedawayfromherforthelastforty-fiveminutesandLaurieunderstoodwhy,andwasgrateful.Theprevioustensionneededtodissipate.
“Itwassogoodtomeetyou,”Hattiesaid,encirclingherwaist,smushingherfaceintoLaurieandkissingLaurie’sleftbreast,havingevidentlymissedherintendedtargetof“slightlyaboveherleftbreast.”“IcantellyouandIaregoingtobehugefriends.I’mslightlypsychicinthatrespect.”
“Youandmyhairdresserboth.”
“Really?Whatdidshepredictthatcametrue?”Hattiesaid,peeringthroughtheoneeyeshecouldstillopen.
“…Ah.”Laurieregrettedthisremarknow.“Nothingyet.”
“Hattieissimilarlyunencumberedbyatrackrecordofsuccess,”Jamieinterjected.
“Itoldyou,it’sfeelings,sensations.Maybe,visions!Like,IcanseeyouandLauriewithatoddler.Aboy!Bringinghimbackheretovisit.It’scoldweather,he’sinacoat…”
Laurieswallowedhard.
“Allright,enoughfrommysticyou,”Jamiesaidbriskly.“Icanseeavisionofyouwithahangovertomorrow,how’sthat?”29
“Yourspeechwasreallynice,”LauriesaidtoJamie’sdad,astheysatwithnightcapwhiskiesintheoverstuffed,homelyfrontroomwiththewood-burningfire,thenwincedatthecutesomeinadequacyof“nice.”
“Thankyou,Laurie.Itwasfromtheheart.”
“Whenareyougoingtotellthemall?”Jamie’smumaskedhim.ThiswasthefirsttimethecancerhadbeendirectlymentionedinfrontofLaurie.
“Imightnot,”Ericsaid,sinkingbackintohischair.“LetthemreadthenewsintheobitcolumnoftheLincolnshireEchoandsay:‘Thatsneakybastard!’”
“That’snotfaironme—they’llbepesteringmeforthestoryforweeksonend,”Marysaid.“It’lltakemeanhourtomakeitacrossCo-opwhenIneedaloafofbread.”
“Yeah,youhavetothinkofMumhere,”Jamiesaid.
“OhGod,evenwhenyou’redyingyoudon’tgetoutoftheto-dolist—Laurie,canyoubelieveit!”Ericsaid.Lauriesmiledandwishedherheartdidn’tfeelsowaterloggedthatshefounditdifficulttomatchhislightnessandbewhotheyneeded.Shedidn’twantErictogo.TheworldcoulddowithmoreEricsandfewerofotherpeople.
“Ahhhh,itwasgoodtoseeeveryone,though.Mary,canyoubelievethesizeofRonaldTurner!Likeasealion!”
TherewassomediscussionabouttheunexpectedobesityofEric’sformerboss,andthenEricsaid,“He’sanavidchurchgoer,Ron.IwishIhadfaith.IwishIthoughtIwasgoingtoseeJoeagain.”
HeglancedupataphotoonthecabinetstotheirrightthatLauriehadn’tnoticeduntilnow,abarrel-belliedkidJamienexttoanolderbrotherwithabroadtoothygrin,bothingrayV-neckschoolsweatersandties.
Ericraisedhisglasstoitinatoast,andLauriefoundherselfdesperatelyswallowingoverandovertostopherselfstartingtocry.Shedidn’tlookatJamieorMary.
AtearrolleddownEric’scheekandLauriefeltshocked,despiteherself,asshethoughtbynowtheCartersweren’tgoingtodoconventionalsadness.Jamie’smumpouredherselfmorewhiskyandJamieputhishandonhisdad’sarmandnobodyspokeforamoment,becausenobodycould.
“MaybeIshouldjointhatreligionthatTomCruiseisin—whatisit,Scientology?”
“Idon’tthinkthere’saScientologychurchinLincoln,Dad,”Jamiesaid.“YoumighthaveaWagamama,butdon’tgetaheadofyourself.”
“Itwasadelighttohaveyouthere,tonight,Laurie,”Ericsaid,turningtoher.“We’reveryproudoursonhasconvincedsuchanimpressivewomantobebyhisside.Imeanatthispointweweresodesperatetomeetagirlfriendwe’dhavemadeourpeacewithAnnWiddecombe,butyou’rereallysomethingspecial.”
“Dad!”Jamiesaidinoutrage,asLaurielaughedheartily.
Theysaidtheirgood-nightsandLauriefounditpeculiarlyawkwardwhentheygottothebedroom.Moresothanshehadatanytimethroughoutthevisit.Wasitthenearkiss?Wasthatanearkiss?ShethoughtaboutEmily’swisdom.Soonerorlater,oneortheotherofyouisgoingtowonderifyoumeanit.
Shedidn’twonderthat,butshedidwonderifthelinebetweenthingstheyneededtodoandthingstheywantedtodoforsolacewasgettingblurred.Hermindkeptspoolingbacktothatmoment,imaginingthemnotbeinginterrupted,imagininghowitwould’vefelttokisshimandthenclaimitwaspartoftheact.Lauriewantedtoknowwhatitfeltliketokisssomeonewhowasn’tDan.
Itwould’vebeentoomuch,sheconcluded,toaccidentallytapoffandthennotbeabletogetawayfromeachother.
Sexwasobviouslyoutofthequestionwithhisparentssleepingyardsaway,butthethoughtofitwastoomuchanyway.Lauriedidn’twantaconfusedpityshagbecauseJamie’semotionswereinatumbledryer,andhimtosorelyregretaskingherhere,andtheretobeanothermanshewasdesperatetoavoidatheroffice.
Theydancedaroundthearrangementsforgoingtobed,Lauriechanginginthebathroom.
“Ithoughtyourdaddidreallywell,”Lauriesaidquietly,oncethecoverswereuptoherarmpits.“Theatmospheretonightwaslovely.”
“Yeah.”
Hewasoddlyclipped.Don’tmakethealmost-kissingthingweird,shesilentlybegged.Wecangetpastitifwepretenditdidn’tnearlyhappen.
“Youseemedtohandleitwell?”
“Mmm.”
Shethoughtafurthersilenceindicatedsubjectclosed,orJamienoddingoff,untilhemadeaheavingnoisethatwasunmistakably,asob.
“…Jamie?”Lauriewhisperedintothedarkness.Shestaredatthepatternofstreetlightsonthebedroomceiling.
“Sorry,shit…”hesaid,tryingtosteadyhimselfwithaseriesofsharpgulps.Likesomeonetryingnottohiccupbyholdingtheirbreath.“Sorry,”hesaid.“You’vecomeheretohelpmeout,andnowthis…”
“Hey,don’tbesilly.”
“I’mjust…I’mnotreadytoliveinaworldthatdoesn’thavehiminit.”
Lauriemovedthepillowbarrieroutofthewayandpushedherarmsaroundhimashesobbed.Shethoughthemightresist,buthewrappedhimselfaroundher.
“It’sOKtobesad,”Lauriesaidhotly,strokinghishair,hisheadrestingagainstherchest.“You’reallowedtobereallysad,andnotapologizeforit.”
ShecouldfeelJamie’stearsmakinghershoulderwet,andhishandgrippedherwaisttightlyashesobbednearsilently,faceburiedinherneck.Shesqueezedhim,tolethimknowhewasn’texpectedtostop.
“There’ssomethingI’venevertoldanyone.IthoughtI’dleftitbehind,compartmentalizedit.It’sbeencrucifyingmesinceIgotDad’snews.”
“Doyouwanttotellme?Iwon’tjudgeyou,”Lauriewhisperedintothedarkness.Thedarknesshelped.
“It’saboutJoe.Wewereplayingagame,astupidgameofchicken,runningintotheroad,dodgingcars.Myparentsknowthatpart.Whattheydon’tknowisthatIwastauntinghim,windinghimup,sayingI’dwon.”Hehadtopauseandgasp.“SayingI’dwonthegame.Itwasmyfault.ItwasmyfaultJoeranbackintotheroadandgothit,Laurie.”
“Shhhhh.”Sheheldhimashisbodyconvulsedagain.“Jamie,youwereachild.Youcould’vejustaseasilydied.Youdidn’tmeantohurthim.”
“ShouldItellhim?Dad?Beforehedies?Heshouldknow,right?Hedeservestoknow.”
“No,becausehewon’tcareaboutthatdetail.He’llcarethathissonwhohelovesverymuchistorturinghimself.WhatI’veseenofyourparentsshowtheywantyourdad’sremainingtimetobeaboutloveandhappiness,andnotangerorrecriminations.”
Jamiemumbledsomethingthatsoundedlikeagreement.
“Youhavesurvivor’sguilt.Ithinkyoupushyourselfsuperhardtotrytobebothsons,tomakethemdoublyproud.”
Lauriehadn’tknownshethoughtthisuntilshesaidit,andyetasshesaidit,sheknewittobetrue.
“Butthey’realreadyproudofyou,”sheadded.“You’reenoughasyouare.”
Jamiehuggedhertighter.
“Ican’tbegintoimaginehowterribleitwasforyou.Andyourparents.”God,Jamiemusthavebeenwithhisbrother,hemusthaveseenit…?Theguilthemusthavehadtocarryasanine-year-old.
“Itchangeduscompletely.TherewaslifebeforeJoewaskilledandlifeafter.Ithinkalotofthepullingthroughmyparentsdidwasformysake.Theydidn’twantmychildhoodtobeavaleoftears.”
Jamie’sbreathingsteadied.
“Itrynottothinkaboutitforthemostpart.That’swhatlivinglifeis,isn’tit?Coping,”Jamiesaid.
“Yes.”God,yes.
“Thankyouforwhatyou’vesaid.Imeanit.I’mgoingtothinkaboutthesewordsandtrytorememberthemwhenthingsgetshaky.Ifsomeoneasintelligentasyouthinksthis,itcan’tbecompletelywrong.”
Hehadtoohighanopinionofherbrains,butlethimfindthecomfortthere.
“Ireallydo.”
HowhadaliftbreakingdownendedwithLaurieinabedroominNorthHykeham,sleepingwithandyetnotsleepingwithacolleague,consolinghimaboutbereavements,bothpastandfuturetense?
Itwassostrangeandyetthestrangestthingofallwasthatitdidn’tfeelstrange.ForthefirsttimesinceDanlefther,Lauriehadn’tthoughtabouthimmuchatall.IfshecouldbehelpfultoJamieinatimeofneed,itwastherapeuticforher.
SomethingelsedawnedonLaurie.SheunderstoodJamieatlast.Hehadn’tdevelopedhisself-reliant,streamlined,takenopassengerspersonabecausehewassuperficial,arrogant,andselfish.Hewasn’t,asshe’dassumed,playinglifeontheeasysetting.
Theworldhaddealthimanalmostintolerableblowataveryearlyageandthisconstantforwardmotion,andrefusingtocaretoodeeplyaboutanyone,itwashiscopingstrategy.
“Lau…”Jamiesaid,mumbling.Hewasn’tawakeanymore,hewasdriftingoff,sleep-talking.“Iwant…”
“What?”shesaid.
“Iwanttoholdontoyou.”
“Sure,”Lauriewhispered.
Lauriewonderedifhemeantitliterally,orasastatementofintent.She’dgentlydisengagerightbeforeshenoddedoff,shethought.Sleepinginsomeoneelse’sarmswasoneofthosethingsthatworkedinmoviesandwasuncomfortableaspissinreality.
Nextthingsheknew,shewaswakingupwoundaroundhim,thegray-yellowlightofearlywintermorningcreepinginundertheblinds.Itfeltreassuring,andsortofoddlyhealing.
LaurielistenedtoJamie’sheartbeatthroughhisT-shirtandinhaledthefadedscentofhisaftershave,mentallyreassemblingwhereshewas,whatthey’ddoneandsaidlastnight.Shethoughtagainaboutatraumatizednine-year-oldboy,avulnerabilitythatreappearednowhewaslosinghisfather.WouldJamiepushherawayafterthis?Lauriehadgrownfondofhimbutshewasn’tnaive;hehadn’twantedherinvolved,itwasnecessity.Ifthesituationwasreversed,she’dnotwantJamietoseeherlikethis.
Hestirredandblinkedandstaredatherinamomentofdumbincomprehension.
“…Morning.”
“Morning.”
Shepulledawayandsatup,self-conscious,smoothingherhairandrubbingthesleepoutofhereyes.
“Didwe…?”hesaid,lookingdownatthebedclothes.
“No,wedidnot—howdareyou!”Lauriesaidinanindignant,jokeyhalfwhisper.
“No,Ididn’tmeanthat,ofcoursenotthat.Imeant…”Jamiegesturedattheirproximity.“Allnight?I’veneverdonethatbefore.Iusuallyhateit.”
“Haha.WhyamInotsurprised?DoIgettosayItaughtyousomethingnewinbed?”Shewaslettinghermouthrunonintheuncertaintyofwhatthetonebetweenthemwasgoingtobetoday.
“Yeurgh”Jamiesaid,rubbinghisneck,doingalittleshudderasheheavedhimselfoutofbed.
Oh,sothatwasit.Makingitclearheregrettedtheirintimacy.
“Whyareyousuchaprudewithme?Where’sthewildsexmanofmythandlegend,struttingaroundswiggingWildTurkey,inhisJimMorrisonsnakeskintrousers?”
Jamieturned,frowning.“Whydoyouhavetoconstantlycharacterizemelikethat?HowwouldyoufeelifIwasall‘lolLauriewithheroneboyfriend’?”
Laurieopenedhermouth,nojustificationcameout.Shefeltslightlyashamed.
“Sorry,”Jamiesaid,“Sorry.Thatwasmorningmeandyoudidn’tdeservethat.”
HewentforashowerandLauriesat,huggingherknees.Jamiereturnedfromtheshower,dryclothes,wethair,andsaid:“Laurie.I’manunspeakableshitforsnappingatyou,aftereverythingyou’vedoneforme.Ihatemyselfrightnow.Pleaseacceptmygrovelingapology?”
Lauriesmiledupathim.“No,youwereright.”Shepaused.“Thetruthis,I’mterrifiedoftheFirstOneAfterDananditcomesoutaspushybravado.”
Shesurprisedherselfbybeingthisopen.Itsuddenlyfeltbettertoshareitthanhideit.She’dseenJamienaked,figurativelyspeaking,andshefeltmoreabletoexposeherself.
“Why?Imean,whyareyouterrified?”
Lauriewasembarrassedtosay,buttheurgetopurgeherselfofthesethoughtswasgreater.
“Whatifhethinksmybodyisoff-putting,andthewayIdosexisboring?”
Jamielaughed.“Hewon’t.”
“Howdoyouknow?”
“Becausethelastmanlikedthedealsomuchhestuckaroundfornearlytwentyyears.”
“Hah!”Lauriesaid.“Thanks.”
“Idon’twanttodisappointyou,butusmen,we’renotthatdifferent.There’snotthatmuchvariety.”
ShewasintriguedJamiewouldsaythis.Itwasveryoff-brand.Wasn’tvariety,notsame-same,hiswholeraisond’être?
“That’swhatmybestfriendtellsme.”
“Wasshethehair-flickinggirlintheIvy?”
“Yes!Hah.Emily’snotahairflicker,she’sgreat.”
“Thatwasasetup,wasn’tit?Nowaydidsherunintous.”
Lauriemadeaface.“OK,yes,butnotasafetycheck-in.Shewasbeingavoyeurasshethinksyou’rehot.‘Yeurgh,’asamanoncesaid.”
“Imaginehowfoolishyou’regoingtofeelwhenyourealizeshewasrightallalong.”
Lauriebarkedwithlaughter.“When’sthatgoingtobe?”
“Aboutanhour,ifMumgetsthephotoalbumsout.Theninetieswasaverystrongdecadeforme.”Heshapedhiswethairintoaboybandmiddlepartingandpulledadimface.
Laurielaughedlikeadrain.SherememberedwatchinghimholdingEveinthepalmofhishandintheRefuge;theladknowshowtoturnitonallright.
“CanIaskyouanembarrassingquestion?”hesaid,scuffinghishairbacktonormalwiththeheelofhishand.
“Sure.”
Jamiehesitated,andLauriegleaneditwasgenuinelyembarrassingtohim,notsome“ohgeeshucks,thisisawkward,canapenisbeTOObig,”gambit.
“Howdoyouknow,whenyou’vefallenforsomeoneinalong-term,couldmarry,settle-down-foreversortofway?Pleasedon’tsayyoucan’timaginelifewithoutthemorsimilar,becauseIcan’timaginelifewithoutHattiebutIdon’twanttomarryher.Somethingthatmightgivemerealinsight.”
“Oh…er…”Thiswasarolereversal,Lauriefeelingliketheknowledgeableone.“Hmmm.Itfeelslikeaconversationthatyouneverwanttoend,Isuppose.Arenewableenergysource.Youknowhowwithsomepeopleyoucan’tgetchattingofftheground?They’rehardwork?Fallinginloveistheextremeopposite.Endlessfascination.It’seffortless.Asparkturnsintoaflameturnsintoafire.Thatdoesn’tgoout.UnlessyoumeetsomeleggygingerwhorespecializinginContentiousTrustsandProbate.”Shesmiled.
“Endlessfascination,”Jamiesaid.“OK.”
“Yeah.Imean,thatmakesitsoundabitlikeaone-on-oneseminarwithmybrilliantoldlawtutor,Dr.McGee.Obviouslythere’sthepartwhereyouwouldgladlylickthemlikeanicecreaminanyplacetheyasked.IwouldnotlickDr.McGeeanywhereheasked.”
“Funnilyenough,Idid,”Jamiesaid.“Gotafirst,though.”
“Ahahahaa.”
“Whyareyouwonderingwhatloveislike?Doyouwanttoknowwhatloveis,likeForeigner?”Lauriesaid.
“Imighthave…metsomeone,”Jamiesaid,meetinghereye,lookingsupremelyillatease,eyesdartingawayagain.
“Wow,”Lauriesaid,feelinganoddsharpheatflareinsideher.
Ah,thattext.Thehastyphoneflip.Itmadesensenow.“Aftereverythingyousaid!”
“Yeah.”Jamielookedsheepish.“Noone’smoresurprisedthanme.”
“Hey—butyou’regoingtowaituntilwe’veendedourpretending,right?”
“Oh,definitely,”Jamiesaid.“Thefakinghastobeover.”
Asshewalkedtotheshower,feelingstirredup,Lauriethought:Well,damnedifIknowwhatalmostputtinghistonguedownmythroatwasabout,then.Rotter.Shedislikedthefactshehadalittleache,apulseofenvyforthisunknownwoman.Oh,tobelovedlikethatagain.30
“Allright,thisishuge.You’renolongergivingmethe‘justfoolingaround’line,”Bharatsaid.“Youwenttohishometownandmethisparents?!Fortheweekend?Whatthehell?ShouldIbuyahat?”
BharatinsistedtheybuypastriesasanalibitogetatableinStarbucksandstayforafifteen-minutecatch-up.“We’llbuyDi’sfouleggnoglatteattheend,soshewon’tspotit’sgonecold.”
Manchesterwasinfullswingwinter,lightsonDeansgate,thebloodySladesongstartingtopealfromshopdoorways.
“Ican’tgointoanydetailwithoutbetrayingconfidencesbutcanIsay,therewasapurposeforthetrip.Itwas…circumstancesdrivingit,notnecessarilyamassiveurgetotakethingsupanotch.”
They’dleftyesterdaywithfoilpackagesofleftoverfoodfromthepartyfoistedonthem,extractedpromisesfromanuneasyLaurietoreturnsoon,andJamie’smumindeedwailing:“Wedidn’tgetthephotoalbumsout!Wait,wait,Laurie,youhavetoatleastseethis.”Shedisappearedoffandreturnedwithaphotoofastark-nakedtoddlerJamieinacowboyhat,onthedriveway,pokinghistongueoutdefiantly.
“Oh,MUM,”Jamiesaid,turningscarlet,asLauriemimedcoveringhereyes.
“Nicepenis,”Lauriewhisperedastheygotintohisdad’scar.
“Iwillhateyouforever,youvilebully.”
LauriehadtofighttokeephervoicelevelwhenchattingwithEriconthewaytothestation.
Thetrainridehadzoomedby,astheydiscussedJamie’slong-rangecareerplans—probonoworkinChicago.“Youaresuchaclichédhipster,don’tuseyourpullinglinesonme!”Lauriesaid—andlisteninginonthehungoverstudentsplayingCardsAgainstHumanityonthetableacrosstheaisle.WhentheyembracedwarmlyatPiccadilly,Laurie’shearthadfeltfullandherlifefeltwholesome.
“Weretheyallright,hisparents?Areyougoingtogetengaged?IsthesexofftheCHAIN?”Bharatsaid,sippinghiscappuccino.
Lauriecountedtheanswersoffonherhand:“Yes,very;no,lol;andwhat,stayinginhisparent’sspareroom?”
Bharatgurgled.
“It’sgreattoseeyouupbeatagain.AfterwhathappenedwithDanitwasobviousyouweredestroyed,”Bharatsaid,addinghastily:“Imean,youdidn’tmakeitobvious,butIcouldtell.He’snotwhoI’dhavepredictedputtingasmilebackonyourfaceinamillionyears,butI’mgladhehas.”
TheywentdifferentwaysasLauriewasdueincourt,afirsthearingforapublicorderoffense.Foronce,forthefirsttimeshecouldthinkofsincethebendersofhertwentieswhereshestillthoughtshecouldcaneitonaTuesdaynightandworkarespectableWednesday,shewaswingingitslightly.Shehadtoadmit,therewasmorepreparationshecould’vedone,butherweekendwashecticandshewasn’tinthemoodforhercaseloadonSundaynight.She’dhadalongbath,redwine,andthoughtaboutJamieCarter’sinvitingmouthabittoomuch.
So,Laurieflunkedit.Shedidn’tflunkitinadiscreetway.Itwasaflamboyantflunking,ingrandstyle,asshe’dforgottentofollowuponanalcoholicclient’salibithathewasinaboozeracrosstownwhenthefightingwasoccurring.
“YourHonor,thepubthedefendanthasidentifiedinhiswitnessstatementcloseddownsomethreeweekspriortothenightinquestion,”saidColmMcClaverty,prosecuting,nobody’sfoolanyway
“Couldyoushedanylightonthisdiscrepancy,Ms.Watkinson?”saidthemagistrate,overhisreadingglasses.
“YourHonor,I…wasnotawarethatthiswasthecaseandaskforanadjournmentwhileI…”
Lauriedesperatelyshuffledpapersandcringed,whiletherewasabangingofgavel.Colmgavehera“them’sthebreaks”shrug.IfLauriehaddoneherduediligence,shecould’vegottenherclientto(1)thinkharderaboutwhichpubitwas,or(2)advisedhimtopleadguilty,becausehewaslikelyknackered.
He’draisedthatalibiininterviewandLauriehadtotallyforgottentofollowitup.Shegotbacktotheofficeinalightsweat,givingsilentthankstotheLordthatSalterandRowsonwereoutoftheofficeforthenexttwodaysonsomesortofbosses’retreatjolly.
Atleastifshehadtopickatimetoscrewup,thiswastheone.
HerphonerippledwithaWhatsAppfromDanwantingachat:“Areyoufreethisafternoon?”andLauriethought,Oh,pissoff.I’mnothavingatoiletdaymadeworse,youcanwait.Thescanshowedit’stwinsorsomething,didit
Twohourslater,Dianasaid:“Er,PSA,DanandMichaelhavemarchedJamieCarterintotheWarRoom.”
“OhmyGod,FIGHT!”Bharatsaid.“Adueloveryourhonor!”
“What?”Lauriesaid,“Aboutwhat?”
“Idon’tknowbut…whatarethechances?”
Lauriegotupfromherseatandsaid:“Right,Ibest…”Shecouldn’timmediatelyfinishthesentence.“Findout.”
Whatshouldshedo?
Asshenearedthedoor,shecouldhearraisedvoices.
“YouknowexactlywhatImean,”sheheardDansaying,“andwe’reputtingyouonnoticethatweseeyou.”
“You’reheadofcivil,lastIchecked”—Jamie’svoice.“Howwouldyouhavethefirstclue?”
“Look,you’reaslipperylittlefucker,thatisaknownfact”—Michaelnow.“Wecan’tappealtoyourbetternature,soinsteadwe’lltryself-interest,whichyouhaveinspades.Ifyoudon’tstopinterferingwithLaurie,thenwe’llgointoseethebossesandtellthemwethinkyou’reharmingherprofessionally.Onpurpose.”
“‘Interfering’?!She’snotachild!”
“Yes,Imeanshe’solderthanyourusualtype,I’llgiveyouthat.”
Laurieswallowedhardandopenedthedoor,toseethethreeofthemstandinginacircle,DanandMichaelbearingdownlikeapairofCIDheavieswithaprimesuspecttheylikedforatleasttwomanslaughters.
“Hi.IsthisanythingIshouldbeinvolvedin?”
TherewasatensesilenceandJamiesaid:“Well?Doesn’tLauriedeservetoknowwhatyou’resayingabouther?”
“Thequalityofyourwork’sfallenoffacliff,”MichaelsaidtoLaurie.“It’soneshitupafteranother,lately.Everyone’snoticed.”
Lauriespluttered.“I’vehadoneortworesultsthathaven’tgonemyway,that’sall.”
“IjustsawColmandhesaidthey’dnoticedhowunpreparedyouwere,”Michaelsaid.“Hesaidit’sgonefrom‘wehopewedon’tgetherdefending’to‘wehopewedo.’”
“OhmyGod,thatisstandarddick-swingingrubbish,thehazingtheydoconstantly!”Lauriesaid,stungallthesame
“Don’tyouseewhat’sgoingonhere?”Dansaidingentlertones.“He’sunderminingyou,onpurpose.”HegesturedatJamie.“Hesawyouwerevulnerable,steamedin,andnowthemostlikelypersonforpromotionaheadofhimis…”
Lauriefoldedherarms.“Is?”
“…Notoperatingatfullcapacity.”
Laurie’smouthfellopenatthis:“Youwhat?!”
Michaelcouldn’tblackmailheroutofdatingJamie,sonowhewasgoingtoshameher.Shewasraging:thebullyingwasabhorrent.Shecouldn’tfindthewordsbecausethereweresomanyshewantedtouse,volubly.
“Letmegetthisstraight,youhaveanissuewithLaurieandmebeinginvolved,asyouthinkitmightaffectherconcentration?Iswhathappenedbetweenthetwoofyoucompletelyirrelevanttoherstateofmind,then?”JamiesaidtoDan.
“There’sadifferencebetweenthebreakdownofalong-termseriousrelationshipandacolleaguewithaprevioushistoryforexploitingvulnerablewomen,”Dansaid.
Lauriemadeacoughingnoiseofdisbelief.“Exploitation!Jamie’ssomesortofpredatornowandI’mapowerlessvictim?Youmakeitsoundlikehetraffickedme!”
“Thisisnuts,”Jamiesaid.“Laurieisanadult,makingherownchoices.”
“DidyouordidyounottakeadvantageofSalter’sniece?”Michaelthundered.
“No,Ididn’tandwhatthefuckdoesthathavetodowithanything?”
“YouwereseeninthePrincipalHotelwithher—areyousayingthat’salie?”
“I’msayingpissoff,mainly.”
“Oh,brilliantdodge.Nowonderyou’realawyer.I’vegotyouworkedout,”Michaelsaid.“It’snotenoughforyoutoboneyourwayaroundGreaterManchester,ithastobehigh-valuetargetsnow.Therehastobeanangle.”HegesturedatLaurie.“Onceshewasbackonthemarket,youmovedfast,didn’tyou?Sawanadvantage.”
Therewasagiantinsultinthis.Notonlyweretwomensheworkedwith—oneherex,noless—appointingthemselvesherguardians,buttheyhadjointlyconcludedthatLaurieandJamieweresounlikelyacouple,shehadtobethetargetofascam.Asifshewasoneofthosepoorolderdivorcéeswhogothoodwinkedintomarryingafteraholidayromanceawaiter,whogothisgreencardandthencleanedouthercurrentaccount.Thewaytheywouldn’taccordherthesamepowersofperceptiontheyclaimedforthemselveswasinfantilizing,itmadeherfeelludicrous.Itwasliketheirsexismwascominginthroughtheair-conunits,invisiblebututterlypervasive.
“Sorry,ImissedthepartwhereIbecameawardofcourt?”Lauriesaid,fullyshakingwithragenow.“Thisplacehasalwaysbeenchauvinistic,butthisisincredible.You’vedecidedI’mnotseeingJamieofmyownfreewill?”
“Ofcourseit’syourchoice,”Dansaid,“butbothMichaelandIcareaboutyouandwecanseethathedoesn’thaveyourbestinterestsatheart.”
“Howdareyou!”Lauriespluttered.“Youofallpeople,Dan,thinkyouhavemybestinterestsatheart?”
“Iknewyou’dhatemeforthis,Laurie,andIamstillspeakingupbecause,yes,Ido.Unlikehim.”
“Ha!Incredible.”Laurielookedwide-eyedatJamieandheshookhishead.
“ImeanobviouslyLaurieisavaluablepossession,andthisisaboutwhowilltakemorecarefulcarewhenincharge,”Jamiesaid.“Nowonderyouweretryingtodothiswithouther.”
Lauriesnorted.
“I’mnotmakingtheconnectionbetweenusseeingeachother,andmyresultincourttoday?”Lauriesaid.“It’sasifyoutwohavenevercockedup?”
“Whenhaveyoueverfuckeduponcheckinganalibibefore?Andwherewereyouthisweekendwhenyoushould’vebeenprepping?”Michaelsaid.
“Whatthe…!”Jamiesaid.“Whodoyouthinkyouare?”
Lauriespluttered.“YouhaveopinionsonhowIspendmyweekendsnow?”
“Youusedtoworkcasesintotheevenings;nownoonecanfindyoufordustafterhalffive.”
“What?Ihavetoclockinandoutwithyou,Michael?”
“Stopbeingobtuse.YouknowwhatI’mgettingat.”
“Iactuallydon’t.”
“Right.IfyouthinkIamgoingtostandbyandletyoutrytodamagemyandmygirlfriend’scareersbecauseofyourpettyjealousies,you’rebadlymistaken,”Jamiesaid.
Danlookedhorrified,plainshocked,atJamiereferringtoLaurieashisgirlfriend.Michaelgaveanastylaugh.
“Laurie’soneofthemostcompetent,hardworkingpeoplehereandyoubothknowit.Acoupleofresultsnotgoingherwayisneitherherenorthere.”
Apause.
“Yeah,I’veheardenough,”Lauriesaid.“Youcanbothstoprighthere,becauseI’mnothavingit.IhadameetingwithSalterlastweek.He’sfinewithmyperformance.Ifyouwanttoraiseconcernsaboutme,thendoit,butyou’llharmme,notJamie,whichIpresumeisallthatmatterstoyou.”
Adeepersullensilencefell,asthiswasindisputablytrue.
“MichaelandJamie,canyouleavemetohaveawordwithDan,please?”Lauriesaid.
Theytroopedout,MichaelshakinghisheadatLaurieashepassed,Jamiefrowningdeeply.
“Letmegetthisstraight,”Lauriesaid,fingernailsdiggingintoherpalmswiththeeffortofnotshouting.“Youdowhatyoudidtome,Istartseeingsomeoneelse,andyouthinkyouhavetherighttosabotagetherelationship?Asifyou,ofallpeople,thinkyougetasayhere,Dan?”
“Iwasn’tgoingtodothisnow,butMichaelpracticallygrabbedCarterbythescruff.Iwasgoingtospeaktoyoufirst.Imessagedyoubutyoudidn’treply.”
“Speaktomenow.Iwanttoknowhowyoucouldpossiblybethisfaroutofline?”
“Ihavenorightstocommentonwhoyouwanttosee…”
“Couldstopthere.”
“…Ihavenorights,butIwasworriedfromtheoffwhenIsawyouwereinvolvedwithCarter.Hewilldoyoudamage,andIknowyou’renotgoingtowanttohearthat,leastofallfromme.”
“Basedon?”
“Basedontonsofstuff,Loz,thestoriesthatfollowedhimfromLiverpool,wherehegaveawomanatthatfirmanervousbreakdown—”DanpausedtogatherLaurie’sreaction.Shetriedtoremainimpassive,shebadlywantedtoknowmore.ButnotfromDan,andnotnow.“…Yep,bethedidn’ttellyouaboutthat,fromEve,toaclienthewasrumoredtohavehiton.He’sbadnewsandyoucanbethe’sseeingyouwithamotive.”
“Orit’sexactlywhatitlookslike?Wereallylikeeachother?”
Dangrimaced.
“OK,someonewhoalwaysstayedintheshadowswassuddenlysuperkeentoadvertisebeingwithyouonsocialmedia—doesn’tthatringanyalarmbells?You’vemethisparents,howfast?Doyouthinkmaybethisisforthebosses’benefit,becausehethoughtyourstandingwoulddohimgoodingettingapromotion?”
Laurierolledhereyes.Thiswasano-scoredraw.Danhaditfiguredout,thoughnotinthewayhethought.Lauriehadn’tsucceededinmakingthembelieveit.Hewasjealous,though.
ShecouldseethenhowdiscomposedDanwas.Shewantedhimtofeelhurttoo,andnowhedid,shegotnosuccorfromit.
It’slying,andlyinggoeswrong.Lyingisjustbadkarma.
“Himbeingsuperkeenonmeisnotpossible?”Lauriesaid,whileknowingithadn’thappenedsoitcouldwellnotbepossible.
“Don’tbeanidiot!Ithinkyou’reallthatandthensome,ofcourseIdo.”Dangaveherintense,hoodedeyesforasecond.“Anymanfancyingsomeoneasbeautifulasyouisnatural.It’snotaboutyou,it’saboutwhoheis.”
What?Lauriecouldn’tshiftthefeelinghewas…God,washevaguelyflirting?Shefeltpossiblygratified,mainlyappalledandweirdedout.
“Here’sthebottomline,Dan.Ididn’tgetanyrightswhenyouleftmeforanotherwoman,whoyou’dspentmonthshavinganemotionalaffairwithbehindmyback,makingstupidrunningplayliststogether.”Sheletthatland,Danlookingstupidinhisexposure,nowmakingafacelikeBertfromSesameStreet.Thefacesheusedtolovesomuch.“Ihadnorightswhenyoutoldmeyou’dimpregnatedher,despitedoinganinsultingroutineaboutwantingfreedomandnokids,fiveminutesprior.IfJamieCartertookanotherwomanonthefloorofthelobby,hecouldn’tpossiblyhurtmethewayyouhave.Thiswhole‘splittingup’thatyouchose,meansneitherofushaveanypowerstotelleachotherwhattodo,orwithwhomwedoitwith.We’retotallyindependentactors.Right?”
Dan,afteramoment,shrug-nodded.
“Sostaythefuckoutofmybusiness,Dan.I’mwithJamie,you’rewithMegan,nofeedbackorinterventionsallowed.”
Shestormedoutandslammedthedoor,scatteringseveralmembersofstaffwhoapparentlyneededtowaitfortheroomtobefree,likestampingyourshoenexttoafly-covereddogturd.
LauriegotbacktoherdesktofindKerryhadsentaglobalemail.
5WEEKSTOCHRISTMASPARTY!!!!
DETAILSFINALLYREVEALED!!!
It’satWhitworthHall!Dresscode:eveningwearplease.
SubmitnamesASAPforyourPlusOnes.
Withthatrousingspeech,LauriehadeffectivelysignedoffDanbringingMegan.AndshewasgoingwithJamie,exceptshewasn’t.Whilehewasfallingforsomeoneelse.
Lauriehadbeenavoidingadmittingsomethingtoherself,andblinkingattheclipartofadancingelf,shefinallyfacedit:theshamrelationshiphadmorphedintoastupid,self-defeating,corrosivemess.Danmightbejealous,butwasthishervictory,standingaroundtradingjibeswithmenwhothoughtshe’dbeentakenforaridebyachancer?JamiehadbeenmuchmoreastutethanLaurie.Hisaimherewasdefinedandclear:heeithermadepartnerorhedidn’t.Lauriewasputtingherselfthroughallthisforwhat,afewpainedlooksfromanexwhonevertheless,didn’twantheranymore?DidshehonestlythinkDanwouldpictureherastrideJamieandseetheerrorofhisways?
You’renotaliar,whichiswhyyoushouldn’tgetinvolvedwithabigboutoflying.Toolate.She’dhavetoseeitthrough31
WhenLaurie’sphonerangonSundaymorning,shewastryingandfailingtomakeshakshuka,endingupinsteadwithvegetablestewtoppedwitharawegg.Lauriesquintedatherhandsetwarily,asifshewasinaclankingdaytimetelevisiondramawithalotoffaceacting.Emily.ButEmilydidn’tcall,Emilymessaged.IfEmilywasgoingtocall,she’dmessagetosayshewasgoingtocall.Thoseweretherules.
“Hi.”
“Hi.Canyoucome’round?”
Emilydidn’tdocanyoucome’rounds,andshedidn’tdothattoneofvoice.Low,beaten.
“Ofcourse,now?”Lauriesaid,gathering“onthephone”wasn’tthewayEmilywantedtobeaskedwhy.
“Ifthat’sOK.”
LaurieUber-edtoEmily’sflatintheNorthernQuarterwithaqueasinessthatwasn’teasedbyheatedseatsandCapitalFMandthedriversingingalongwith“(IJust)DiedinYourArms”byCuttingCrew.Itcouldbeabereavement,butshedidn’tthinkso.Emilywouldn’tholdthatsortofinformationback.
They’dhadsomanypartiesatEmily’splace,ordrunkennightsoutinthecitythathadcarriedonathers.LauriegotherthousandthpangforDan.Thewoozymomentshe’dlookaroundatEmilywithherheadonDan’sshoulder,andthinkofthetwoofthemasherbelovedfamily.
Thesplit-levelapartmenthadeverytrappingof“young,urban,fastlifestyle,moneyed”—theoil-spilldarkflooring,redGaggiamachine,themezzaninewithmodernstaircaseuptothehugebed,thefireplaceyouturnedonwitharemotecontrol.Itwould’vefelttooshowy,toohectictoLaurie.Itwasn’taplacethatcoulddo“cozy”ifittried,withitsvastwindowsontoaManchestercityscapeofcranesandconcrete.Itputyouonshow.ItwaspurestEmily.
Sheansweredthedoorinblacksilkpaisleypajamas,hairfluffyfromsleep,lookingyoungerwithnomakeup.ShenoddedagreetingandledLaurienearwordlesslytothekitchen,pointingtoascatteringofcherrytomatoesonthebreakfastbar.HadLauriebeenthisworriedforthesakeofasplitshoppingbag?Wasitgoingtobe“SOS,weneedtogooutforbrunch”?
ButasLauriedrewcloser,sherealizedthefruitwasarrangedintoapattern.Shesquinted.ItspelledoutthewordF-A-K-E.
“Robert.Fromthetikibar?HeleftbeforeIwokeup.”
Lauriepausedinconfusion,andthoughtconfusionwasjustified.Shehoikedhercross-bodybagoffanddumpeditbythekitchencabinets.
“Idon’tgetit.‘Fake’?Hedidthis?”
“Yeah.Hestayedlastnight,leftbeforeIwokeup.IfounditwhenIgotup.”
“What?Hadyouargued?”
Emilyshruggedandranherfingertipsthroughamattedsectionofherhair.
“Idunno,kindof?Hecalledmyworksuperficial,bloodsucking,andparasiticalandIkeptlaughingitoffandthenwehadthesortofsexwherethere’ssomepushingandpullingandmildslapping.”
Laurieinwardlyshudderedatsharingbodilyfluidswithsomeonebothsohostileandlargelyunknown.
“Whatapieceofshit,”Lauriesaid,exhalinginshock.“AndwhataPSYCHO.Whodoesthis?!”
Thetomatoesemanatedasinisterforce,asshelookedatthemagain.You’dhavetoplanit,riflingthroughthesaladinthefridge.Weighingupwhetherfrozenpeaswoulddothejob.
“ItscaredmeandthenIrealized,I’msupposedtobescared,aren’tI?”Emilysaid.“He’swithhisfriendsonWhatsApprightnow,takingsickpleasureinimaginingmefindingit,himhavingthelastword.Hahahaha,guesswhatIdidtothisstuck-upbitch.Photoattached.”
Laurie’sstomachchurned.
EmilydroppedontotheL-shapedsofaandcoveredherfacewithherhands.
“Theworstthinghe’sright.He’sright.”
“What?How?”
“Iamafake.”
“Inwhatwayareyoufake?”
“What’snotfakeaboutme?Thisisn’tmyhaircolor.”EmilyyankedatahankofwhatLauriehadlearnedwascalledbalayage.“Thesearen’tmynails!”Shewavedshellacsthecolorofbloodather.Onherpalesmallhands,theylookedtoLaurieliketheSleepingBeautyspinningwheelpinprick.
“Andthis?”Lauriesaid,gesturingattheirgrandsurroundings.“Afigment?”
“I’vegotamortgagelargerthanthemoon,Laurie,youknowthat.Youarelookingatdebt.DebtwithHagueBluewalls.”
“YouhaveabigmortgagebecauseyouhaveanevenbiggersalarybecauseyouareCEOofyourownverysuccessfulbusiness.”
“Yeah,andthere’snotadaythatgoesbyIdon’tthinkitmighttoppleover.”
“That’swhyyouworksohard.That’swhyyou’resogood.Youdon’ttakeanythingforgranted.”
“I’mrightnotto.Losttwoaccountslastweek.”Emilyputbarefeetontheedgeofhercoffeetableandflexedhermatchingredtoes.ShewasstilleverybittheovercaffeinatedwaifwhobuzzedaroundLaurie’shallsbedroom.Lauriehatedherseemingsoworld-weary.Broughtlowbyatotaltosser.
“That’swork.That’slife.You’llwinthreenextweek.”
“It’snotonlythatthough,Loz!YouthinkI’mthinbecauseI’mthin,right?MaybeIwas,once.Now,ifI’mnoteatingwithclientsoreatingwithyouorwhatever,Iskipmeals.”Shegesturedoverataspotlesskitchen.“It’sneverseenachoppedonion.I’mnotsayingIhaveaneatingdisorder.I’msayingI’mthinbecauseIworkveryhardatbeingthinanddeprivemyselfandthenpretendIdon’thavetoworkatit.Eventoyou.Idon’tknowwhy.Whydon’tIsay,‘IamthinbecauseItryveryhardtobe’?Becausemyworldrunsonenvy,youneedtoinciteenvy.BecauseI’mfake.”
“You’renotfake!”Lauriesaid,wiltingalittleinsympathy.
ShesatdownbesideEmilyandputherarmaroundher.EmilyhadthemuskyodorofthenightbeforeanditoccurredtoLaurietherewereveryfewfriendsyoucouldcallbeforetheshower.
“Iwouldn’tgettooclose,Ismelllikeamonkey’shandbag,”Emilysaidwithasniff.
“Aye,yeah,youdo.”Theybothdidthekindofweakstomach-laughingthatsitsrightontheborderwithtears.
“You’reveryreal,Emily.You’redynamicandcleverashellandyounevercomplain.Justbecauseyoudon’tdiscusstheeffortittakes,doesn’tmakeyoufake.Wouldamandothat?Whatwouldyourtwinbrotherdo?”
Emilysmiledwanlyatmentionofanoldcatchphrase.Atuniversity,discussingwithrighteousfervorthedifferenttreatmentmetedouttomen,theyalwaysputittothistest—thehypotheticalmaletwininthisman’sworld,whohadallthemasculineadvantages.
“Peoplewillalwaysneedlawyers,”Emilycontinued,voicetremulous.“Theywon’talwaysneedwhatIsell.Ortheywon’twantitfromsomecraggyfifty-somethingstillcrammingherselfintoherskinnyjeans.”
“Right,stop.Whatdoesbarmando?”
“…Workinabar?”
“Right,worksinabar.There’snothingwrongwiththat.Buthe’s,what,thirty?”
“Thirty-two.”
“Youarefouryearsolderthanhim,Emily,youlivehereandyouareaboss,andyoudependonnoone.Haveyougotanyideahowthreateningthatistothemaleego,forwomennottoneedthem?Doyouthinkitcamefromnowhere,Robthethirty-two-year-oldbarman’sneedtoputyoudown,tobreakyouinsomeway,tohumiliateyou?”
Lauriethoughtaboutherownworkingweek.Youwereequalwiththesemensolongasyoudidn’tmakethemfeelunequal,lesser,challenged.Ifyoustayedinyourlane.
“Thisispuremisogyny.Thosetomatoesarehighlyrelevanttohistherapist’snotes,notyours.”
Emilynodded.
“Thenthere’sthesex.WhatamIdoing?ThepeopleIsleepwith,weallhavethesameproblem.Themomentwefindsomethingisthereforthetaking,wedon’twantitanymore.Howfucked-upisthat?”
“Isthatwhatitis?Yougooffsomeoneoncetheyfancyyouback?”
Emilynodded.“Kindof,yeah.IchoosethingsthatIknowwillshort-circuit.Theremustbesomepsychologicalblockageorself-loathing,elsewhydoIhatemyselfsomuchtosleepwithsomeonelikehim?”
Theybothglancedbackatthetomatoart.
“You’vehadascare,”Lauriesaid,“butsomeofthisisbadluck,playingtheodds.Soonerorlateryouweregoingtoencounteranutter.”
“Guessso.Withmyincrediblenumbers.”
“Ididn’tmeanthat!”
“Iknow.”
“CanIasksomething?Doyouthinkthethingwithmenis,you’refrightenedofneedingsomeone,ofrelyingonthem?”
Jamiehadgivenheraninsight.
“Yeah,maybe?”Emilysaid,pullingherhairoffherface.
“Youalwaysgotthehorroratyourmumbeingsoreliant.”
Emilyhadthemostsuburban,timidparentsLauriehadevermet,andhermumusedtohaveherhousekeepingcashfortheweekputinabiscuittinbyherdad.Inaway,nowonderEmilycameblazingoutofitlikeacomet.HeroldersisterhadmovedherselftoToronto,agednineteen.
Emilysniffed.“ImetamanthroughworkrecentlyandheaskedmeoutandIsaidno,asIcouldtellhewantedagirlfriend.Ilikedhim,butIthought,I’llonlymessitup.And:betterIrejecthimandhecarriesonthinkingI’munattainableandgreatthanfindsoutthebittertruth.That’swildlymessedup,isn’tit?”
“Ithinkthat’ssomethingalotofpeopledo.Whatisthebittertruth?”
“ThatI’mfake.ThatI’mdull.Thatsometimes,whenIgotodoaweeIdoanunexpectedfartinsteadthatsoundslikeabearcomplaining.”
Laurierolledontohersidewiththeforceofthelaughter.
“I’mserious!”Emilysaid,throughherownlaughter.“Ifhegetstoknowme,hewon’tloveme.”
“Orhe’llloveyouevenmore?”
“Highstakes,”Emilysaid.
“That’sthedeal,Ithink,withlove,”Lauriesaid.“ButIgottoknowyou,andonlylovedyoumore.”
“Oh,you.”
Theyembraced.
“CanIsuggestsomething?”Lauriesaid.“CanIsuggestwespendadayintogether,watchingfilms,eatingtakeawayfood,andcompletelyerasingthelunatictomatocreepfrommemory?”
Emilynodded.“WecouldaskNadiaovertoo.”
“Yes!”
TheyputonmusicandLauriemadecoffeeandtheydidthekindoflow-keychattingandpotteringyoucouldonlyreallydowithaveryclose,verylong-termfriend.LauriefelttherewasasecretofhowtolivelifeburiedinthisunusualSunday:theyhadturnedanegativeintoapositivereasontospendtimetogether,toremindthemselvesofhowvaluabletheyweretoeachother.LauriehadthoughtDanwasthesourceoftheunconditionalloveinherlife,butactuallyitwasEmily:shewasn’tgoingtoturnaroundandsaysorry,she’dfoundanewLaurie
Itjusthappened.WesharedSpotifyplaylists.She’swhoIconfideinnow.
Nadiaarrivedhalfanhourlater,intrademarkhat.“Showmethecrimescene,”shesaid.
Theypointedhertothecounter.
“OhmyGod!Reporthimtothepoliceatonce!”Nadiabellowed.
“Whatfor,GROCERYREARRANGEMENT?!”Emilyshrieked.
Whenthey’dfinishedlaughing,Lauriesaid:“Didyouget’em?”
“Ohyeah,”saidNadia,disgorgingthreepacketsofcherrytomatoesfromherbackpack.
Laurietoreapacketopenandstartedbuildingan“R.”
“Whatareyoudoing?”Emilysaid.
“I’mwritingROBHATESWOMENintomatoes,whichyouarethengoingtotakeaphotoof,sendtohim,andblockhimbeforehecanreply.Nadia,youworkon‘women,’”Lauriesaid.
LauriethoughtEmilymightargue,butsheobservedtheirquietindustryinawe
“Thisis…”Emilytearedup.“Everything.”32
Dad
Darling,justseenthis,sorrytohear—hisloss!!?Theweddingpiss-upisatCloud23aweekthisFriday,we’vehiredtheplaceoutsogivethemyournameonthedoor.Bringafriendifyouwant.Can’twaittoseeyou!Nic’sgonecompletelyfuckingbridezillabytheway,she’sabsolutelyspankedtheplastic.She’llprobablylooklikesomethingoutoftheMoulinRougewithfuckin’ostrichfeathers.Sogetyourgladragson.Loveyou,darling.Austin.XxxPSnogifts,ta,we’redrowningintowels
Aweddingreception,noticegiven,“aweekFriday.”OnaWednesday.So,what,ninedays?Herdadhadoutdonehimself.
AndLauriewasn’tgoingtotellhimthatthewaymodernmessagingservicesworked,“justseenthis”nolongercutitasafoboff.Ithadnevercutitanyway.“Hisloss”andasadfaceemoji,aftereighteenyears,wow.
Lauriewantedtogetthroughthispartyasfastaspossible,merelyshowingherface,withouttheencumbranceofaplusone.
SheandJamiehadnodatesinthediaryotherthantheChristmaspartynow,andshefeltthembothgivingeachotherbreathingspaceastheygearedupforit.Washefindingithardtokeephimselfawayfromwhoeverhewasfallinginlovewith?
LauriebumpedintoJamie,inthemiddleofthefollowingweek,ashewasleavingcourtandshewasonherwayin.Shehadn’tseenhimintheAtticusFinchglassesforawhile,maybeherteasinghadputhimoff.
Afteranawkwardhellowhereneitherofthemknewquitehowtogreeteachotherphysically,andendedupsettlingforachastecheek-kiss,Jamieaskedafterherweekendplans.
“Oh,it’sadoozy,thisone.Mydad’sgotmarried,andthepartyisatBeethamTowerbarthisFridaynight.Incaseanyoneasksaboutit,nowyouknow,butdon’tworryaboutcomingalong.”
“Uhm,ifit’syourdad’sweddingreception,shouldn’tIgo?”Jamiesaid.
“Oh,nah.Noonehere’sgoingtoknowit’shappening.You’resafetoswerveit.”
“There’sstillachanceitcouldgetoutthatIwasn’twithyou.I’mnotdoinganythingonFridayandI’monlygoingtoneedacoverstoryfornotbeingthere,andonegoodenoughthatifanyoneasksme,itfitswithwhatever’sbeenonsocialmediaiftheycheckup.”
Lauriekeptforgettingthataskingsomepeopletokeepalowprofileonlineforaweekendwasakintorequestingthemspendingitlockedinacupboard.
“Comingalongseemseasier.Unlessyoureallydon’twantmeto?”Jamiesaid
“No,sure,come!”Lauriesaid.ShefinallysawJamiewaslookingslightlyhurt.“It’dbegoodtohavethecompany,actually.”
Whyhadn’tsheaskedJamiefromtheoff?HavingexpectedhimtoputadistanceafterLincoln,wasshedoingthatherself,rejectinghimbeforehecouldrejecther?Maybe.
Itcouldalsobebecausefakeboyfriendandforever-faking-itfatherwastoomuchfakeforoneevent.AndyetEmilythoughtEmilywasthefake?
ButwhenshewaswithDan,he’dhavefeltlikeananchor.JamieCarterwaslikeholdingontoaballoon.
Andyet…whichoneofthetworecentlyhadbeencompletelyattentiveinaroomwhereshedidn’tknowanyone?Andhadheardherstoryofherchildhoodandtreateditlikepropertestimony,notalittlebitofasobstorysheshouldgetover?
“Hmmm.IfeellikeIamforcingmyselfonyounow,”Jamiesaid,andLauriesensedhewashinting,Iwilldothis,butyouneedtomakeupfornotinvitingmefromthestart.
“No,seriouslyJamie,pleasecome,”Lauriesaid,moreimploringandcertainnow.Sheputherhandonhisarm.“Myreluctancewasnothingtodowithnotwantingyouthere—mydadisjust…abasketofsnakesforme,Iguess,andIthoughtitwassimplertodealwithitaloneratherthanputsomeoneelsethroughit.”
“AfterwhatyoudidformeinLincoln,don’tyouthinkIwanttorepayyou?”
Lauriebeamed.“Yeah,ofcourse.ButIdidn’tdothatsoIcouldhandyouabillafterward.Itdidn’tcomewithanystrings.”
“Iknow,”Jamiesaid,andgaveheraquickhardhugthatshockedtheairoutofherlungs.
OnFridaynight,shemetJamieatarowdypubonDeansgateforaresolvestiffenerandtheywalkedtoBeethamTowertogether.Jamiewasinabluesuitthatmatchedhiseyes—thatflashwardrobeofhiswascominginhandy—andLaurie,ablackjumpsuitandredlipstick.She’dconsultedherfeelingsandgonewithstrong-defiantratherthanaflouncydress,plus,theIvy-datemaxidressnowfelttoospecialtowanttowasteonherfather,weddingorno.
“It’sthewholebar?Hiringthismust’vecostafortune,”Jamiesaid,squintingattheskyscraperslabofglass,slicingupwardintotheManchestereveningsky.
“Yeah,mydad’salwayslikedtospendmoney.Nicola’snotshortofafewbobeither.”
Afterasoaring,seasickliftride,theywerewelcomedintoCloud23,trumpetedas“thehighestpointinManchester.”
“Thisworks,becausemydadisusuallythehighestinManchester,”Lauriewhispered,andJamielaughed,lookingthewayhedidatheronthetrain.Asifshewas…whatdidhismatecallher?Exotic.Don’tadmiremeforthis,shethought.Noneofitisaboutme.
StevieWonder’s“Superstition”wasonloud,theroomahubbubofdressed-uppeople,prettymuchnoneofwhichLaurieknew.
Theyhandedtheircoatsover.Floor-to-ceilingwindowsdisplayedthecitybeyondatdusk,insideitwasminkvelvetmodernsofasandwhiteleatherchairs,verticaltombstonesofmirrorbreakingupthespace.ItwaslikeaVIPairportlounge.Awaitresswithatrayoflowballglassesfullofamberliquidandorangepeelappeared,LaurieandJamieliftedoneeach,sipped.IttastedtoLaurielikethreefingersofCointreau.
“Theresheis!Mylittlegirl!”
Laurieheardherfather’sfamiliarbuoyanttonesandallowedherselftobepulledintoahug,mumbling“congratulations,congratulations”onrepeatassubstituteforanythingmoremeaningfultosay.Youdidn’tneedtobetoldAustinWatkinsonmadehismoneyinacreativefield:avery-well-preservedlatefiftiesinimmaculatedesignerlabels,themodhair,trimfigure,violentlyexpensivechestnutbrogues.
ShedidthesamewithNicola,whototteredoverinacloudoffruityperfume,cladinarainbowsequindress,volumizedhairfanningoutlikealion’smane
“God,you’reabitofallright,whoareyou?”shesaidtoJamie,whosmiledandshookhandswithher.LaurienoticedNicolawaswearinganengagementdiamondthesizeofagrapenexttoaweddingband.
“I’mwithLaurie,”hesaid.
“Ahhhh,soyoufoundsomeone!”herdadsaid.“IwasreadytosetyouupwithHarryoverthere,afteryousaidyouweregoingtobeonthehunttonight.”
Laurieblinkedandrealizedwhathewasreferringto—aremarkonWhatsAppmonthsago:“MaybeI’llmeetsomeoneatyourtear-up.”Tactfulofhimtorepeatitinfrontofherdate.LauriescratchedherneckandtriedtoavoidJamie’spointedohwellwhaddyaknowlook.
“Goodtomeetyou,son.”AustinpumpedJamie’shand.“Hammerthatbar,it’sfreeallnight.Heeeeeeyyyy!”Herdad’sattentionwaspulledawaybysomeoneelsebehindthem.
“IguessthatsolvesthemysteryofwhyIwasn’tneededformaneuvers,then,”Jamiesaid.
“Hardly!Mydadtalksalotofrubbish.”
“Mmmm.Harrybestnottryanything.”
Laurielaughed.
Havingbeenskepticalatfirst,Cloud23actuallycameintoitsownwhentherewerenoclouds,andthescenebeyondtheglasswasawinter’snight.Thestreetswerelongsweepsofyellow,bluerlightsfrombuildings,ajewelboxofilluminationsamidsoftblack.Itmadethecitylooksofullofpotential,soexciting.
“Wow,”Lauriesaid,nosealmosttopane.“Theviewisreallysomething.LikeaMichaelMannfilm,huh.”
SheturnedtoseeifJamieenjoyedthereference,andhewaslookingintentlyather,notthegreatoutdoors.
“Didyoureallynotwantmetocometonight?HaveIclippedyourwings?”
“No!Thatthingmydadsaid,hewasrepeatingamessageIsentbeforeyouandIhadeven”—shewavedherhand—“youknow.Starteddoingthis.”
“Yeah,butgivenwe’renot‘doingthis’…Idon’tliketothinkI’mclosingoffavenuestoyou.”
WasJamieworryinghe’dtakenonaprojectwithLaurie,onethatwouldn’tendwhenthedatingscamdid?Thatthey’dhavetogothroughthemotionsofstillsocializing?Thathewasalreadytryingtogentlydetach?She’dsortofknownallalongthiswashowitwouldfeelwhenitcametoanend,andyetitstillmadeherfeelempty.
“Jamie,I’mnotyourresponsibility.Youknowthat,don’tyou?Youdon’thavetoworry.”
Jamiefrowned.Nowsafelythroughthedoor,she’dbrieflythoughttheymighthavefuntonight,watchingtheHogarthianginhallscenesandsqualidtableausofherfather’slifeunfold.LookingatJamieandhistautexpression,sheknewitwasoneofthosenightswhencommunicationdoesn’tflowanddrinksitsheavy.
“Areyouregrettingthis?Theshowmance,”Jamiesaid,takingaswigofhiswelcomecocktail.
Lauriepaused,beforetheglibautomaticdenialsprangtoherlips.“Yes.Abit.Butthat’snothingtodowithyou.It’sthesituationatwork,DanandMichael’spaltryattacks.”
“Youknowthey’rebothinlovewithyou,right?”
“What?”Lauriesaid,screwingupherface.“Nah.Afiftypercenthard‘nah,’givenwhatDandid.”
Jamiewasundeterred.“Don’tletthemmakeyouthinkthattheirproblemsareyourproblems.Theyaretryingtodoahead-wreckingnumberonyou,toundermineyou,andyouhavetoresist.”
“Hah.Itoldmybestfriendsomethingverysimilartheotherday.”
“Wereyouright?”
“Yes.”
“SoamI.”
LauriehadplanstoslinkoutofthepartyinfullswingandgoforalatedrinkwithJamieelsewhere,butthelureof“justonemorehere”afterthey’dseenofftwowelcomecocktailswastoostrong.Itwasalongwaydown.
Lauriewasatthebarwhenalate-middle-agedmanatherelbowturnedtowardher.Shefeltsherecognizedhim,andhesaid:“Hello,you,”asifheknewher.
Lauriedidn’treply.
Itwasn’tofteninlifethatarevelationcameinaninstant.Theywereusuallydeliveredinstages,sometimesacrossyears,andyouhadtodosomeself-assemblytomakesenseofthem.Butthisman’sfeatures,aghostfromChristmaspast—heinasplitsecondsummedupwhyshehadbeensoreluctanttocometonight.Heencapsulatedwhatwaswrongwithspendingtimeinherfather’sworld.
Lookinghimintheface,sherealizedtherewassomethingshe’dnotlookedatdirectlyinalong,longtime.Sinceithappened,infact.
“What’reyouhaving?”saidthebarman,andLauriecouldn’trememberathing.
“Gin…andtonicandlager.”
“Whichone?”
“Whichever,”Lauriesaiddully.
“Letmegetthese,”themansaid.
“Areyou…Pete?”Lauriesaiddumbly.
“Yeah!Crikey,howdoyouknowthat?Areyou?Hangon,you’renotAustin’sgirl,areyou?”
Ithaddownloadedfromnowhere.HewascalledPete.Thesensationoflookingathimwasthatofthebogeymanthreatappearinginanightmare,aleeringghostlyvisagebetweenthebedsteadposts.Youtriedtoscreamforhelp,butnothingcameout.
Avoiceinsidehersaid:Youdon’thavetostayhere,youknow.Soshewalkedaway.33
LauriefoundherwaybacktowhereJamiestood,onlegsthatfeltlikethebonesinthemhaddissolved.
“Wehavetogo,”Lauriesaid.“Now.”
“OK,”Jamiesaid.“You’reverypale,areyouOK?”
“Ifwego,Iwillbe,”Lauriesaid.
“Understood.”
Unfortunately,leavinginvolvedcollectingtheircoats,whichattractedtheattentionofLaurie’snewstepmother.
“You’renotleaving?!”Nicolashrieked.
Lauriedidn’tknowwhattodo,asshehadmomentarilylostthepowerofnormalspeech.
“Goingtogetsomefreshair,thenwe’llcomebackup,”Jamiesaidswiftly.“Toocoldtogowithoutcoats.Laurie’shadalotveryfast.”Hegesturedatipping-glassmotionatNicola,asLauriestoodmute.
“Oh,right!”Nicolasaid,squintinghereyesinsympathy.“Doatacticalbarf,darling,thenhaveaSmint.Seeyoubothinabit.”
“Thankyou,”LauriesaidinasmallvoicetoJamie,astheyotherwisedescendedinsilenceinthelift.
Atgroundlevel,Lauriecalmedsomewhat.She’dfelttrappedupthere,asthoughherskinwastwosizestoosmall.
“Doyouwanttotellmewhat’sgoingon,ordoyoujustwanttogohome?”Jamiesaid.
Lauriebreathedout.
“Yes,butnothere.”ShetookJamiebythehandtoleadhimtosomewhereonthestreettheywouldn’tbejostledbytheFridaynightcrowds,andJamiesqueezedherhandbackreassuringly.Shefeltrelieffromhimsomehow,despitetheunnaturalinterruption,andwasn’tsurewhy.
OncetheywereinSt.Peter’sSquare,sheturnedtofacehim,tuckingherhandsdeepintoherpocketsandhunchinghershouldersagainstthechill.Shewassuddenlyverycold.
“Therewasaman,atthebar,”shesaid.“Oneofmydad’sfriends.Hebroughtamemoryback.”Laurieshookherhead.“Untiltenminutesago,ifyou’dsaid,didIrepressanymemoriesfrommychildhoodI’dsay‘Haha,Iwish.’ButIhad.I’mkindof…stupefied,tobehonest.It’slikeIknewitwasthere,butI’dneverlookedatit.Likehavingsomethinginyourloftstorage.”
Shewasn’tjustcold,sherealizedshewasshaking.Actualphysicalshaking,likeshe’dbeenplungedintosubzero-temperaturewater.
“Youdon’thavetotellme,”Jamiesaid,andLaurienodded,thenshookherheadagain.Ican,IwillbeOK
Shebreathedandsteadiedherself.“Iwantto.Ummm.WhenIwasabouteight,Iwenttovisitmydadfortheweekend.Oneofthefewtimeshedidturnup.Hetookmetohisoldflat.”Lauriepaused.“Hismatescame’round.Theygotwankered.Mydaddisappearedoffsomewhere‘toseeamanaboutadog.’Hedoesthatalot.HeleftPeteandanotherguytowatchme.IknewIwasn’tsafe,Iknew…”
Lauriesteadiedherselfsoshecouldcontinue.Jamieputhishandonhershoulder.Thatwastheworstofit:beforesheknew,sheknew
“Petesaid…OhGod.Ihaven’ttoldanyonethis,orthoughtaboutit,forsolong.”
“NotevenDan?”
“No.NotthatIwasconsciouslykeepingitfromhim.Iwaskeepingitfrommyself.”
Jamienodded.
“ThatguyPetesaidtome:‘Comesitonmylapandshowmewhatcolorknickersyou’rewearing.’”
Jamie’sfacechanged.“Whatthe…Toaneight-year-old?”
Laurienodded.
“Fuuuu—”
“Idon’tknowifhewasjoking,tryingtofrightenme.Whatwould’vehappened.IsaidIneededtheloo,andIwentandletmyselfoutoftheflat.Thiswouldbeaboutelevenatnight.IwalkedthroughthecityuntilIfoundPiccadillystation…”
“Onyourown?Agedeight?”
“Yes.”
“Youmust’vebeenpetrified.”
“Iwas.Ithinkitwasfireworksnight,youknow.ExplainswhyIhatefireworks.Anddrunkenpeoplewhodidn’tmeananyharmwereshouting‘Whereareyougoing?!’andtryingtotalktothislittlekidwanderingthroughthestreets,andIwashyperventilating.”
Lauriewasasstillasastatueassherecountedthis.Jamielookedstricken.
“…ImadeittoPiccadilly,Iaskedthemtosellmeatickettogohometomymum.Ofcourse,theyflaggedmeasalostchild.Thetransportpoliceturnedup,theyfoundanumberformymumandcalledher.Ihadtospendanightinaroomatthestationuntilshecouldgetthefirsttraininthemorningtopickmeup.”
“Oh,Laurie.”
“Shewasfuriouswithme,Jamie.”Lauriewelledupnow.“ShethoughtI’dwanderedoff.Imean,shewasmorefuriouswithmydad,buthemadeupsomestoryabouthowheonlywenttothecornershopforfiveminutesandIhadnoreasonforwhatI’ddone.”
“Whydidn’tyoutellher?”
Lauriewipedawaytears.“She’dhaveneverletmeseemydadagain.Imight’vebeeneight,butthatmuchIknew.Hewasn’tcomingbackfromhavingleftmewithapedophile,washe?”
Jamieblewhischeeksout.Ifnothingelse,Lauriehadsucceededintakingtheshineoffthelargesseandlargingitupstairs.Thiswastheunattractivereality,thedysfunction.Herdaddidn’tcareabouther,orcareforher,atall.Thatwaswhyshehungbackfromhim:shedidn’twantthecontagionofthepretense.Shedidn’twanttobesuckeredinbythemoneyandtheconnectionsandthenhateherselfforit.Shedidn’twanttobecomehim.Shehadtoholdontothetruth.
“Fuck,Jamie.SeeingPete.It’ssummedupsomuchforme.Ifeellike…thisiswhereI’vebeenstuck,mywholelife.Betweenmymum’sangerandhisindifference.Thecrossfire.I’vegotthisvividmemoryofsittinginMcDonald’swithahashbrowninalittlepapersleeve,andanorangejuice,andhersaying,Whydidyoudoit,whydidyourunaway,howcanyouexpectmetotrustyouwon’tdoitagain,tome,overandover.Icouldn’ttellher.ShouldIhavetoldher?”
Itfeltoddlyincrediblyfreeingtosimplyasksomeonethis.Shedidn’tknowtheanswer,andshehadbeatenherselfupfornotknowingit,withoutevenrealizing,forsolong.
Jamieheldherbytheshoulders:“Laurie.Youhadtoescapesomeonethreateningtoassaultyou,getyourselftosafetyandthendecideifyouwantedyourrelationshipwithyourdadtorestonreportingit?Doyouknowhowmanythirty-eight-year-oldswouldn’tknowwhattodo,letaloneaneight-year-old?”
“Whenyouputitlikethat…”
“Therewasnorightorwronganswer.Whateveryoudidhadacost.Therewasonlysurvival.”
Jamiehuggedherandsaid:“Also,rememberthis.You’resafenow.”
Laurieburiedherfaceinthewoolofhiscoatandleanedonhimandsaid:“Betchawishyoudidn’tcomenow,eh,JamieCarter.Ididwarnyou.”
Heleaneddownandsaid,closetoherear:“No,nowIcouldn’tbemoregladthatIdid.”
Laurie’sheartgaveasqueezeandshecouldn’timmediatelylookathim.
Whentheyseparatedagain,shesaid,“Nopointevertellingmydad,anyway.He’dminimizeit,say,Oh,Pete’sgotasicksenseofhumor,sorryyouwerestartledbyhim,princessAndIwasjust’roundthecornerbuyingsomecigarettes.Evenifhewasn’t.He’dneverjointhedotsandbelike,Ileftmychildwithanonce,Iamadisgracefulperson!Thatwouldmeansomereflectionandtakingresponsibility,andthatcan’thappentohim.”
“CanImakeasuggestion?Tellyourmum.”
“Now?It’donlyupsether.Shecan’tdoanythingaboutit.”
“You’reupset.You’venevertoldher:letherin.Giveherachancetohelpyou.Stopmakingityourresponsibilityalone.”
Lauriegaveamorbidlaugh.
“Whendidyougetsowise?!”
Jamiesighed.“Ihadcounseling.Atuniversity.Iwaslivinginrecklessways,tryingtohurtmyself.WhichIcametorealizewasaboutpunishingmyself.”
Lauriestared.“Oh.”
“Oneofthethingsthosesessionstaughtmeis,youneedtospeakup,askforhelp.Ifyoudon’ttellpeoplewhyyou’resuffering,oreventhatyou’resuffering,theycan’thelpyou.”
“I’mnotsuffering!”Lauriesaid.“Missingtheendofthatpartysureain’tsuffering.”
“Yes,youare,”Jamiesaid.“Youarestandingherecrying,frightened,aboutsomethingthathappenedthatwassobad,youblockeditout.You’resuffering.”
Laurienoddedandsniffedandwipedhernoseonhercoatsleeve.
Hehailedherataxi.
“Look.Youwerethereforme.Doyouwantmetocomebacktoyours?”Jamiesaid,andLaurie’smouthopenedinsurprise.
“Notlikethat!”Jamiesaidhastily,atherwidenedeyes.“Ifyoudon’twanttobealone,Imean.”
“Thanks.I’llbeOK.”
Afterward,lyinginbed,shethoughtabouthowthatwould’veworked,andhowitwould’vefelt,andwhethershewantedhimto.Didhemeanadrink?Didhemeanhe’dholdherallnightlikeshedidforhim?Shesensedthelatter.Wasitanykindofgoodideatohavesomeoneplayactthatdepthoffeelingforyou,wasn’titthekindofinnocentsweetnessthatcouldturnintoaslow-actingpoison?
Shedidn’twanthimtodothingslikethis:forhertocometofeelhewasthereforherwhenshewanted,andthenforittobeabruptlyrevokedintheNewYear,whenhe’dgottenthingsgoingwiththenewlove.
Butassheadmonishedherselfabouthowitwouldn’thavebeenatallsensible,Laurieknewshewasrationalizing,becauseshewishedshe’dsaidyes.34
Theconversationwithhermumonthephonethenextmorningwaspeculiar.Finallytellingherthefullstoryaftertwenty-eightyears,andexplainingseeingthemanatherdad’sweddingreceptionhadtriggeredit,didnotgoasLauriehadexpected.
Sheexpectedlotsoffulminatingaboutherfather,buthermumwasquiet,askingquestionsbutnotaudiblyreacting.Thesubjectchangewasn’tsurprisingbutstillhurtful.
“IsitstillallrightifmeandWandacametoseetheWhitworthGallerynextweek?Doyouwanttomeetup?”
“Oh.Yes.I’llcomefortheculture,andwecanhavelunchatmineafterward.”SheknewfromexperiencethatWandaandhermotherwouldn’taccepthertreatingthemiftheywentout,astheywerebothontightbudgets.
“Soundslovely,love.Seeyouthen.”
Well—shouldershrug—thatwassomethingandnothing.Whybotheropeningoldwoundslikethatinreturnfornothing?Shestoppedherself:thiswasthecynicinher,thelawyerinher,theimpatientchild.Lauriehadpushedthisawayforthreedecades;whatiflisteningtoitwasthemosthermumcouldmanagerightnow?
LauriemetthemoutsidethebuildingthefollowingSaturday(afteraweekofseeinglittleofJamieduetobusyworkschedules,butitturnedoutasympathetic,knowingsmileasyoupassedinthecorridorcoulddomuchforafeelingofsomeonequietlybeingthereforyou),bothlookingsplendidlyeccentricintheirownways.Hermumstillfavoredherstagewear—over-the-kneesuedeboots,longdramaticcoat,ensemblesetoffbyanow-silveredclose-cutAfro.Wandawasaboutsixfeet,incrushed-velvetsmock,moonstoneringsoneveryfinger,thinwhitestraggleofhair.DanusedtosaysheresembledRickWakeman.
“Iwasworriedyou’dbetoothinbutyoulookwell,”Peggysaid,afterkissingheroneachcheek.Thiswasacompliment;hermumthoughtwomenshouldbe“bountiful,”not“hungry.”
WandahadbeenbabysittertoLauriethroughoutherearlyyears,andfosteredmanychildren—herhouseeffectivelydoubledasthelocalyouthcenter.ShegatheredLaurieinacrushingembracethatbroughtaProustianrushofthesweetpepperyperfumeWandaalwayswore.Itwasanessentialoil,whichcameinatinyblueglassbottlewitharubberteatatop.
Lauriewasashamedtoadmitinchildhood,she’dthoroughlynosiedWanda’sbathroomcupboards,apracticethatwasforbiddenafterLaurieexiteditwearingWanda’scontraceptivecapasatinyyarmulke,askingwhythishatwasmadeoutofabendymaterial.
WandawentinsidetheEdvardMunchexhibition,andLauriemadetofollowbuthermumlaidherhandonherarm.
“Willyouwalkintheparkwithme?”
Thismother-daughtertimehadclearlybeenpre-agreedwithWanda,whodidn’tlookback.
TheywalkedthroughthegatesofWhitworthPark,andPeggylinkedherarmthroughLaurie’sastheystrolleddowndappledpaths.Itwasabrisk,brightmorning,coldenoughthattheirbreathmistedbutsunnyenoughthattheywerebothsquintingslightly.
TheyreachedaquietcornerandPeggyguidedLaurietilltheyweresittingdownonabench.
“Iwanttothankyoufortellingmeaboutwhathappened,”shesaidafteralongpause.“I’vedonemuchthinkingaboutit.IthinkIunderstandthingsIneverdidbefore.Notaboutthatincident,butingeneral.”
“Oh?”
“I…I’vebeenveryshortsighted,Laurie.Ineverthoughtthatbecauseyourfatherdidmeharm,hedidyouharmtoo.Iknowhewasn’taroundverymuch,thathecouldbenegligent,butapartfromthat…Youseemedtotakehimsomuchinyourstride.Ithoughtyouenjoyedvisitinghimmorethanyoulikedbeingathome.Whenyoucametoliveinthiscity,Ithoughtitprovedthat,”shecontinued.“Yourfatheralwayshadthecash,hewasfundad.Hedidn’tpartakeinthedrudgery,tellyoutodoyourhomework.Heletyoustayuplate,watchanything,eatfriedchickenandsweetthings.”
Lauriegrinnedinspiteofherself.“TheKFCandbutterscotchpuddingwasamazing,Mum,Iwon’tlie.”
“Ididn’twanttoletyougotohishomeforweekends,Ididn’ttrusthimtotakepropercare.Butyouwantedtogoandheaccusedmeofruiningyouhavinganyrelationshipwithhim,whenIresisted.Ikeptthinking,amItryingtotakehimawayfromherbecauseIcouldn’thavehim?”Hermum’seyessparkledwithtearsandLaurieopenedhermouthtocontradictherandhermumshookherhead:Letmefinish.“Ikeptgoingagainstmyinstinctsasamother,Laurie.It’smyfaultwhathappened.Iknewsomethinguntowardhadhappenedthenightyourantothestation,butyouwouldn’ttellmewhatitwas.ThenIletthefactyouwereprotectinghimmakemeangry.Itookitoutonyou.Thatwaswrong.”
“Dadisanabuser,”Lauriesaidquietlybutclearly.“Ofdrugsofvariouskinds,whichdon’thelphisjudgment,butalsoanemotionalabuser.OneofthereasonsIneverfaceDaddownisIknowitwouldn’tgowellifIdid.I’dhavetoseeadifferentsidetohim.Youlivewithinthelineshedrawsoryoudon’thavearelationshipwithhimatall.SoIchosetoliveinsidethelines.Iwantedtohaveadad.”
Peggynodded.“Yes.Irememberwhenyouwereborn.Iwasinintensivecareafterwardandhewouldn’tcomeandtakeyou.Hesaidhewouldn’tknowwhattodo.Iwasgoingtotellhimthenhecouldneverseeyouagain,ornotuntilyouwereoldenoughitwasyourchoice.Myparentstoldmenottodothat.Thatyouneededafather.”Shegulped,blinkingrapidlyinthegray-whitesunshine.Laurietookherhand.“Thenyouwerealwayssuchadetermined,smartgirl.Knewyourownmind,madegoodchoices.Notlikemeattwenty,Iwasachild.Ihadchildishexpectationsoflove.”
“Itisn’tyourfaultthatDadisthewayheis,”Lauriesaid.“Whilewe’reontheoffloading,Ishouldtellyousomethingelsetoo,Mum:itturnsoutDanlied.Heleftmeforsomeone,hewashavinganaffair,andthesomeoneisnowpregnant.”
“No?”
“Yes.Ithinkwomenspendalotoftimebeatingthemselvesupabouthowtheycausedordeservedmalebehavior,anditdoesn’thappenanythinglikethesamewayinreverse.Theygetonwithdoingwhattheywannado.”
“Danalwaysseemedsuchapleasantanddevotedboy.”
“Yep.Didn’thejust.That’sthepartthatdestroysme.HowwillIeverspotthesigns?”
Theyleanedtheirheadsagainsteachother,lookingoutoverthegrass.
“You’renotangryatme?”Peggysaideventually.
“Whatfor?”
“Fornotprotectingyoufromyourfather.Iknewwhathewas.IknewwhathewasfromthemomentItoldhimIwaspregnantandhesaid,‘Whatdidyoudothatfor?’”
Lauriegasped,despiteherself.“No.IfeellikewemayhavespentquitealotoftimeputtingfeelingsoneachotherthatbelongedwithDad.HekeptmarkingthoseparcelsNotKnownatThisAddress,didn’the?Sendingthemback.”
“Youareaveryclever,veryemotionalgirl.”
“Emotional!”Lauriesaidruefullywithasmile,wipinghereyes.
“Emotionallywise,Imean.Youhavebeensinceyouwerealittlegirl,withthosewatchfuleyes.Youtakeitallin.I’msorryifyoushould’vetakenlessin.”
Peggystartedsobbing,toLaurie’sshockandshesaid:“Hey,don’tdothat,comeon.I’mOK!”
Sheheldhermumtightly.Lauriehadn’trealizedthatinaskingforhelp,shewasalsoofferingit.
LaurieseatedPeggyandWandawithaglassofredinthefrontroomwhilesheputthespinachandfetafilopieintheoven,enjoyinglookingafterthem.
Overthemeal,Wandasaid,“Youwerealwaysagoodcook,Laurie.Rememberwhenyoumadecheesetoastiesforaboutelevenpeople?”
“Ohyes!Iusedtolovedoingthat.Worcestershiresaucewasmysecretweapon.”
“YouknowwhoIfoundtheotherday,Dundeethebadger!”Peggysaid.
“Dundee!”
“Dundee?”Wandasaid.
“IsawthenameonamapandIlovedit.IusedtosayIwasgoingtocallmysonDundee,”Lauriesaid.“MydaughterwasgoingtobeFife.”
Laurienoticedshecouldsaythiswithoutloss.Maybeshewouldhavekids.Maybeshe’dhavethem,withsomeonelessselfishthanDan.Thinkbig.
“Shecouldn’teverbeapartfromthatbadger,Wanda.Yearsandyearsanditwenteverywherewithher.Yourfatherwouldsendyouthosehugeteddiesandtoys.Whenyoudidteaparties,Dundeehadtohavethehighestchairattheheadofthetableandgethisteafirst,incasehethoughtyouwerefavoringthenewarrivals.”
“Haaah.I’dforgottenthat!”
“Youarealoyalperson.Whensomeonehasyourloyalty,it’sforlife.”
“Yes,well,youkeepDundeesafeforme,”Lauriesaid,toppinghermumup,feelingself-consciousatthepraise.
Lauriehadearlierexplainedthepudding,vanillaicecream,espresso,andliqueur:“It’sanItaliandessert,affogato.”Wandahadlookedenrapturedattheidea.
“Shallwehavetheicecream?Let’shaveicecream!”shesaidnow,asifthiswasthemosttransgressivethingthatthreeadultscoulddo.“Letmegetit!”
Wandaalsoinsistedonclearingtheplates.Laurieknewitwasfruitlesstostopher—Wandawasoneofthosekineticpeoplewithneedtoalwaysbedoing.
Duringthenoisesoffstage,hermumlookedaroundandsaid,“Keepingthisbeautifulplaceonyoursalary.Whatasuccessfulwomanyouare.”
“Thanks.Idon’tfeelverysuccessfulatthemoment.”
“Youmisshim?”
Laurienodded.TherewasapausefullofMilesDavis,whichLauriehadputontopleaseWanda.
“Istilldon’tknowexactlywhatwentwrong.IknowI’mbright,Mum.Whycan’tIfigureoutwhatwentwrongwithDan?”
ThiswasasopenandrawasLauriehadbeenaboutthesituationwithanyone,andshehadn’tpredicteditwouldcometumblingoutwithhermum.Yetsheknewwhyithad,evenwithouttheirconfidentialinWhitworthPark.
Whatevermiscommunications,whateverdifferences,yourmumwasyourmum.Shewastheearthingcableinyourcircuitry.Therewerestillthingsyoucouldsaytoheryoucouldn’tsaytoanyoneelse.TheconnectionwithsomeonewhohadchangedyournappiesandwastrustedwithDundeethebadgerwentdeep.Youcouldn’tdenythepowerofhistory,andgenetics.
“IthinkIknowwhathappened,butdoyouwanttohearit?Youwon’tgetcrosswithme?”
ThissurprisedLaurie,thathermumhadthoughtaboutit.
“Idefinitelywanttohearit.”
“Danielwasabletoflourishinyourpartnership,becauseyougavehimtheconfidence,andbecauseofthat,heusedyouasbasecampforhisadventures.Yourfatherusedtodothesametome.”
“Oh…Iguess…?”
Lauriedidn’timmediatelyrecognizethisastrue,andyetwhenshethoughton,sherememberednumeroustimesshehadurgedDantoaimhighortohavegoodtimes.Theheadshippromotionatwork.Thefatefulstagdo;she’dencouragedhimtogo.She’dstillbeenproladsweekendsawayafterward,inparttomakeitclearshetrustedhim.Nightsout.Seeinghisparents,visitinghissisterinLondon.Therunning.
Sheworriedthelifeshe’dbuiltforthemhadbecomeacagetoDan;she’dmissedthepartwhereshe’dsupportedhiseveryinterestandfreedom.Itwas,ashermumsaid,abasecamp.
“Soonerorlater,Danielstoppedrealizingitwasyouwhogavehimthestrength,thefoundation,”Peggycontinued.“Hethoughtlifecouldbeonlyadventure,withoutyou.Whenherealizeswhathehasdone,hewillregretitverymuch.Butfirsthe’llneedtorecognizethevalueofwhathehadinordertomournit.”
Laurienodded.Shewasn’tatallsurethiswouldevercometopass,butitmatchedupsoneatlywithEmily’stake,andthatalonewassatisfying.IftheirperspectivesonlymeantthattheybothsawwhatLauriehaddoneforDanthatwasenough.
“WhatdoIdonow?”Lauriesaid.Anotherquestionshewouldonlyaskhermum,thisbluntly.
“Haveyourownadventures.”
Peggyleanedacrossthetable,pattedLaurie’sfaceandLauriesuddenlyfeltsixyearsoldintheschoolplayground,withfrizzypigtailsandherrabbitbackpack.
“Don’twaitforhim,eventhoughheisonhiswaybacktoyou.Inthatway,heisnothinglikeyourfather.”
“Ta-dah!Nowthen,Laurie,doyouwanttopour?”
Wandawasfillingthedoorway,acoffeepotinonehandandabottleofamarettointheother.
LauriefetchedthebowlsofH?agen-Dazsandtheysloppedittogether,Wandademonstratingaheavyhandwiththeliqueur.
“Thankyouforlettingmecrashyourmother-daughtertime,”Wandasaid,icecreamonherchin.
“You’rewelcome,Wanda,andyou’renotcrashinganything,”Lauriesaid.
“You’reasecondmothertoLaurie,”Peggysaid,pattingherhand.
“I’mmorelikeyourhusbandbythispoint,Peggy!Youwould’veelectrocutedyourselfbynowifIletyoudoyourDIY,”Wandasaidandtheybothroared.
Lauriesmiledatthem.Hermummightnothavehadsettledrelationships,butshehadrock-solidfriendships.Lauriehopedshecouldsaythesame.35
SinceBabyShowerGate,afterwhichhadensuedthelongeststoniestsilenceimaginable,onbothsides,LauriehadbeenindangerofbelievingshecouldavoidtheChorltonsetforever.Shewasgettingaloafofbreadinthelocaldeliand,toolate,spottedStepfordClairebytheluxuryspreads.
Claireputdownajaroforganicorangecurdandmadeaswiftbeeline.Laurieinwardlyslumpedindismay.WherewasClaire’ssenseofgoodold-fashionedburningshame—couldn’tshesimplypretendshedidn’tseeher?Butthatwasn’tClaire’sstyle,ofcourse.NothingaboutClaire’sstylewasLaurie’sstyle.
“Hi!Wow.OK.Thisisn’teasy…”
Whybotherthen?Lauriesaidnothing.Clairedidn’tsounduneasy,shesoundedslightlybreathlessandgleeful.Inherplace,Lauriewould’vebeenshrivelingintosmoke.
“ReeeeeaaallllysorryabouttheWhatsAppthing.Wewereallstillgettingourheads’roundit,butthere’snoexcuse.Pleaseacceptmyapology?”
“Sure.I’dforgottenit,tobehonest,”Lauriesaid.
Clairenarrowedhereyes.“Sohowareyoudoing?”
“Great,”Lauriesaid.
“Oh,great.Pleasedforyou.”Clairetippedherheadtotheside:Sothat’showwe’replayingit
Thiswasn’tafriendlyexchange;itwaslikefencing.
“Ihearyou’reseeingsomeone?”Clairesaid,pickingastraystrandofherneatlyscissored,bluntblondboboutofherlipbalm.DanalwayssaidshehadLegohair.
Naturally,whetherLauriehadanothermanwasthemostimportantthing.Especiallywithitbeingforetoldthatshe’dneverbeabletofindone.
“Yeah,”LauriehadforgottenthethreewitchesofWhatsAppwouldbeseeingFacebook,sameaseveryoneelse.“Jamie.”
“Youworkwithhim?”
OhGod,ofcourse.She’dhavethenbeenstraightontoDan.
“Yes,JamieisatSalter’s.”
“Ididn’tknowif…you’re,youknow.Atthestageofmeetingeachother’sfriends,orifit’sthatserious,butIwonderedifyou’dliketobringhimtoPhil’sfortieththisSaturdaycoming?It’snothingmuch,openhouse,barbecue.Dan’sinvited.He’llbeonhisown,Ishouldadd…she’s,erm…hisnewgirlfriendisaway.”
Hah,soDanandpregMeggotaninvitestraightoutofthetraps.Claire,onspec,decideditmightmakeforaspicyspectacletothrowLaurieandtoyboyintoittoo.Ugh.
“Thanks,I’llhavetosee.SocializingwithDanisn’tamongmyfavoritehobbiesnow,youcanprobablyimagine.”SeeingPriandEricaandtheirhusbandsappealsasmuchasgettingtherunsonachoppyferrycrossingtoo.“AndI’llhavetoaskJamieifhe’sfree,”Laurieadded.
“Yes,Dansaidhedidn’tthinkyourfellawouldcome.”
Thiswaslightly,ratherthandeliberately,thrown.Clairecouldbeextraordinarilyinsensitive,Lauriehadforgottenthat.Itwasn’tonlyaboutwhatsheinflictedonpurpose,shewasperfectlycapableofdoingitbymistake.Shewashugelyindiscreet.
“Oh.Whynot?”
“Erm…”Clairelookedflusteredforthefirsttimeduringtheirconversation.
“Hesaid…well,implied,really.Thatitwasmoreofaflingthanarelationship.Thatcoupled-upstuffwasn’tthepageyouguyswereon.SaidJamie’skindofknownforcasual,notcommitment.”
Laurieseethed.ShewasloathtogiveClairethesatisfactionofknowingshe’dgottentoher,butshehad.DanhadsaiddisparagingthingsaboutJamie,andpossiblyevenabouthispurportedmisuseofLaurie.Meanwhile,LauriehadspreadnothingaboutstupidSpotifyplaylists.
She’dnotdonetheWoundedWomantour,madethemfeelbadaboutpickinghisside,madeitafemalesolidarityissue.She’dneverbesocrass.ButDan’sstupidwoundedpatheticmalepride,afterallhe’ddone,drovehimtocallJamietrivial,adistraction.Don’tembarrassherbyaskinghertoproducehimataneventfullofresponsibleadults,he’snotuptothatsortofscrutiny.BitofaJackthelad,ifyouknowwhatImean.Fordisplaypurposesonly.Well.Twocouldplaythatgame.
“Whattimedoesitstart?Halfsix.OK,I’llletyouknow.”ThiswasobviouslyBritishcodefor“I’maslikelytoattendasself-immolate,”andClairesaidtartly:“Sure,well,you’rewelcome.”
Whenshegotin,LauriecalledJamie,moretorantthananything.Expectinghimtomakepolitenoisesofsympathywhilesayinghewasverysorry,hehadsomethingonthatnight,andhersaying,Ohsure,sureIwasonlyventing.Instead,heofferedtopickherupatsix.
“It’swalkingdistancefromyours,right?”
“What?Youwanttogo?”
“‘Want’isoversellingit,butfuckthem,ifDan’sbeenrunningmedown,runningusdown,thenthisisessentiallabor.”
“Therivalryofmen,”Lauriesaid,andJamielaughed.
“Idon’tknowifyounoticed,myinterestsinthisandyourinterestsbledintoeachotherawhileback.Nevermindthepromotion,sinceDanaccusedmeoftryingtoruinyouprofessionally,thisbecamewhollypersonal.”
Laurieinternallyrepeatedmyinterestsinthisandyourinterestsbledintoeachotherawhileback,afterendingthecall.Ostensiblyafairlytrivialremark,butthatwaspreciselyhowLauriefeltanddidn’tdaresay.Theystartedasaccomplices,nowtheywereateam.
JamiesquintedinthedarkonLaurie’sdoorstep,allfacialgeometryandgoodtailoringandlightlywornmasculineconfidence,holdingabottleofredwine,andLauriethoughtanew:God,you’resobeautiful,you’renonsensical.
Youwouldn’teverwanttobethatbeautifulbecausebecominglessbeautifulasyouagedwouldbesohard.Howwouldhecopewhenthatincrediblejawsagged,whenthosefulllipsthinned,whenthedarkblueeyesbecamepouchy?Wouldhemind,wouldhenoticethedifferenceinhowtheoppositesextreatedhim,ashispowersdimmed?InLincolnandafterherdad’sparty,he’dstartedtobeaboyishfunnyfriend;inManchester,thisevening,hewasreturnedtobeinganintimidatingsemistranger.
“Youallright?Youlooklikeyou’redoingverylongadditioninyourheadorsomething,”Jamiesaid.
Lauriegaveastartledlaugh.“Yes,no,fine,sorry.Haha.Shallweheadoff?”
Jamiegaveheraquizzicallookasiftosay,Eyup,haveyoustartedonthewinealready.
TheywalkedtoClaireandPhil’satCorklandRoadandLauriesaid:“Braceyourselfforamajorlumpofproperty.Theirhomeisridiculous.”
“Farmhousesinkswithboilingwatertaps?Heatedtiledfloors?Quartzworktops?AmIwarm?”
“OhmyGod,you’reburningup!”
Afive-bedroom,bay-frontedEdwardiansemidetached—LauriehadwonderedhowmuchofClaireandPhilhavingloadsoffriendswasbecausetheyhadloadsofmoney.Theywerebothquitebrittlepeople,really,butpresidedaskingandqueenoverChorlton’sthirty-somethings’andparents’partycircuitbecausetheyhadthecastle.
“Laurie!Youcame!”ClairesaidasshethrewtheheavyfrontdooropentotheMintontiledhallway,ingenuineastonishment.
“Phil’sonlyfortyonce!”Lauriesaid,feelinggrimyattheinsincerity.
ClaireopenlystaredatJamieuntilLaurieintervenedwiththeintroductions,passingovercoats,bottles,andgifts.
Theiroceanliner–sizekitchenwasfairlybusy,butthefall-quiet-and-starewhenLaurieandJamieenteredwasperceptible.
Inacorner,shesawDanturn,theemotionpassacrosshisface.Heturnedbackquickly.
Clairefussedovergettingthembothdrinksandthentheystoodinsplendidisolation,asClaireashostesswasfastclaimedbysomeoneelse.
Aconversationrightbytheminvolvedamaninanecrupolonecksaying:“It’sonlyworthdoingifthezucchinisareproperlyripe,andsadlywe’reinsouthManchester,notSicily,hahahaha.”
They’dbeentheretenminuteswhenPriandErica,bothlookingmortified,madeanapproach.
“Hi,Laurie.”
“Hi!ThisisJamie.”Theycooedhellos.NeitherPriorEricaweretrulymalign,ofcourse,theywerejustinClaire’sgang,playingbyherrules.Theyweren’tasegregiousintheBabyShowerroast.Butsomepeopleneverreallyleaveschool,andmorefoolthem,givenhowhorriblelivingbyschoolruleswas.
NeitherofthemhadthefrontthatClairedidanddidn’treferencetheWhatsApp,lookingpinkaroundtheedgesandgulpingwinelikeitwaswaterafteramarathon.
WhentheydidsteallooksatLaurie,itwaswithanervousincredulousness.Howwasthispossible,thatshecouldsurvivebeingthrownoverbyDanforawomannowbearinghischild,andconsenttocometothesameparty,andhaveadashingyoungermanintow?Hadshemadeapactwithanoldwasherwomanthatwouldseeherteethfalloutonthestrokeofafairy-talemidnight?
LaurierememberedcomingtodinnerpartieshereandsheandDanputtingeffortintobeingafunnycharmingdoubleact.Itwasanaspectofbeinginacoupleyounevertalkedabout,thewayyoudevelopedayou-wash-and-I’ll-drypersonaforpublicconsumption.
That’swhytheschadenfreudehadbeensostrongwhentheysplit.Therewerecouplesherethatgotgossipedaboutaftertheyleft,speculationonwhyhespokesoharshlytoher,whyshedranksohard,whethertheaupairwastooprettytobeagoodidea.
ButDanandLauriewerebeinggroomedtojointheupperranks,asprovenbyDanbeingaskedtomanthebarbecueofaweekendwithPhil,orLauriemakingitintobabyshowerWhatsAppgroups,despitehavingnobabytocontribute.
“Theylikethequotafillingofhavinganotherwomanofcolorinthegang,youandPriaregreatforthephotos,”Danusedtoguffaw,whileLauriebashedhimwithacushioninmockoutrage.
Butyouknow,hemightnotbetotallywrong.TherewasareallynicewomancalledMayawhoranalocalvegancaféwhowasasinglemother,andverycurvy,andClairehadmadedisparagingremarksaboutIknowIshouldn’tsaythis,butwhatcansheeatthatputsweighton?!AndMayaneverscoredinvites.
“Howdidyoutwomeet?”Ericawasasking,andJamiewasdeftlyretellingtheliftstory.
Whenheexcusedhimselftothetoilet,bothEricaandPribreathed:“OhmyGod,Laurie.Whatacatch.”
“Ah,he’sallright.”
“He’sgorgeous.”Prisighedreverentially.
Laurieshouldbefeelingsomeignobleglory,butheroverridingfeelingwas,thisisbollocks.It’sALLbollocks.NotpurelybecauseJamiewasastuntman,anactor,butshesawitforwhatitwas.WhenshehadDan,shefitin,shewasaccepted.Helefther,andshewasunclean,castout,othered.
Nowshesashayedbackwithanotherpresentablememberoftheoppositesex,andherstatushadshotupagain.NoneofitwastodowithwhoLauriewas,anythingshehadtosayforherself.
Ifyourvaluewasdependentonthesethings,youhadnone.
“I’msososorryabouttheWhatsAppgroup,”Ericasaid,havingpossiblyhadenoughalcoholnowtobroachit.BothsheandPrilookedattheirshoes.
“Idon’tmind.Talkingaboutpeopleyouknowisnatural,isn’tit,”Lauriesaid.Then,incasetheythoughtshewasgoingtobenothingbutmagnanimous,added,“Clairedoesn’tlikeotherwomen,though,fromwhatIcantell.Sogoodluckwithhercontinuedfriendshipifeitherofyourpartnersleaveyou.”
Theirheadssnappedupandtheirmouthsfellopen.
“Ifyou’llexcuseme,IthinkJamieneedssomerescuingoverthere.”
Hadwalkingawayeverfeltthisgood?AsLauriecrossedthekitchentojoinJamieinanothergroup,sheknewthiswasprobablythelasttimeshe’dspendtimewiththesepeople,andrealizedthatitfinallyfeltOK.Shewasmorethanthesepeoplesaidshewas—ifbreakingupwithDanwasthecatalystforgivingfewerfucksaboutotherpeople’sopinionsandremindingherselfwhoshewaswithouthim,well,perhapsithadalmostbeenworthit.
Perhaps,intheirrelationship,shehadlostherselfalittlebit.
JamiewaspolitelydiscussingthemeritsofturningfortywithEcruPolo-NeckZucchiniGuy(andLauriewascountingtheminutesuntilitwassafetopolitelyleave),whenachillingscreamwentupfromthedirectionoftheBelfastsinkwiththeboilingwatertap.LauriespentasecondwonderingwhyredwinewasspurtingoutofPhil’sarmlikeageyser,beforerealizingitwashisblood.Ajaggedshardofwinebottlestuckproudoutofthesink,likeashark’sfin.
Whileeveryoneelsewasfrozen,Jamiegrabbedateatowel,Laurieglancingathiminsurprise.
“Here,mate.You’regoingtobefine.”Calmly,authoritatively,andwithgreatspeed,JamietieditaroundPhil’sarmasatourniquet,thebloodinstantlystainingitrichcrimson.PhilslumpedforwardandJamiecaughthim,withsomeeffort,asPhilwasnorthofsixfeet.
“OhmyGod,ohmyGod,he’spassedout?!”Clairewailed.“Duetobloodloss?!”
“He’sfaintedatthesightoftheblood,andwhocanblamehim,tobefair,”Jamiesaid,loweringPhiltothefloorandcarefullymaneuveringhisheadforward,bothhandssmearedwiththeoverflow.Clairecroucheddown,puttinganarmaroundherhusband,whimpering.
“Phil!Phil?Canyouhearme?”
“Heneedstogotohospital,Ithinkhemight’vecutanartery.It’sSaturdaynightandIdon’tknowhowfasttheambulancewillbe,versustakinghimthereourselves.YougotacarIcoulddrive?”Jamiesaid.“I’veonlyhadhalfabeer.”
Asheet-whiteClairenoddedandfumbledkeysoutofherhandbag.
“Thanks.CanIgetsomehelpputtinghimintoit?”
Itwasaconfrontingsituation,andonlyaminuteortwohadelapsed,butLauriestillcouldn’thelpnoticethattheirclosestmateswerespectatingandlettingunknownplus-oneguyJamiedotheheavylifting,literallyandfiguratively.
DandartedovertothesemiconsciousPhil’ssideandhelpedheavehimtohisfeet.Lauriehadanungenerousmomentofwonderingifitwasanauthenticurgetohelporifhe’dhadenoughofJamiebeingfirstresponder.
“Areyouadoctor?”saidaposh,thinmaninspectacles,toJamie,inatoneofchallengeasmuchasanyadmiration
“No,IdidafirstaidcourseatCubScouts,”Jamiesaid,andLauriecouldn’ttellifhewasbeingfunnyornot.
Outside,DanhelpedheftthebloodiedPhilintothebackseatofaBMW,nexttoClaire,whileJamieinthefrontjammedthekeyintheignitionandadjustedthemirror.Lauriegotinthepassengerside.
“Ididn’tthinkyouwerecomingtoday,”Dansaidtoher,asheclosedthebackpassengersidedoorandpeeredinather,astheypreparedtodriveoff.
“Yeah,Iheard—youdidn’tthinkJamiewouldbeuptoit,orsomething?”
Danhadnocomebackbuttostareblankly,andsheslammedthedoor.Theypulledoutofthedriveandintotheeveningtraffic.
“We’llbeattheRoyalinnotime,”Jamiesaid,“How’shedoingbackthere?”Clairehadreachedthetearfulstageandmerelywhimpered.
“Hey,hey,”Jamiesoothed.“Thisisafewstitchesandgoodasnew.It’sfrighteningtoseeblood,that’sall.”
Clairenodded.Philwasasicklybeigecolorandnotfullywithit,whichLauriejudgedmaybeagoodthing.Shewouldn’twanttobetherewhentheyunwoundtheteatowel.
AttheERhegotrushedstraightthroughandLaurieandJamiewereleftintheirpartyclothes,underbrightlights,surroundedbypeoplewithsectionsoftheiranatomyleakingorbandaged,ababycryingontheothersideoftheroom.
“Freshair?”Jamiesaid,andLaurienodded.“LetmewashthisoffandI’llmeetyououtfront.”
“Well,thatwasthemostdramaticwaytogetoutofcookingfiftyburgersI’veeverseen,”Jamiesaid,joiningherfiveminuteslater,afewrustyspecksonhissleevesandamassiveNikeswooshacrossthefrontastrophyoftheevening’sunexpectedturn.
“Yourshirt,”Lauriesaid,gesturingatitsruin.
“T.M.Lewin”—Jamieinspectedit,pullingitawayfromhisabdomen—“RIP.”
Lauriehadasplitsecondofimaginingunbuttoningitbeforeashower,andwonderediftherewassomethingintheadrenalineofemergencythatmadeyourandy,becauseshereallywantedto.
Minuteslater,Clairefoundthem,lookingconsiderablymorecomposed.
“They’regivinghimatransfusionandtheymightkeephiminovernightforobservation,buthe’sgoingtobefine.”
“See,toldyou.Letusknowhowhegetson,won’tyou,”Jamiesaidkindly.
“Ican’tthankyouenough,”ClairesaidtotheHammerHorror–splatteredJamie.
“Nothanksnecessary,”hesaid,returninghercarkeys.
“Youwereanuncompromisingmanofactionandageneralherotonight,”Lauriesaidastheywaitedfortheirtaxis.
ItwasonlywhenLauriehuggedhimgoodbye,shefelthowhardhewastrembling.Hedrewbackandcouldseeinherexpression,she’dfeltit.
“YouOK?”
“I…Ifindstufflikethisdifficult,aftermybrother.”
Ofcourse.Lauriehadn’tthoughtofthatuntilthismoment,howwasthatpossible?OfcourseJamiemighthavelearnedwhattodo,thathe’dwantsomebasicskills.
“Butyouhelpedanyway?”shesaid.“ThereweretonsofpeoplewhoknewPhilthere;oneofthemwouldhavesteppedineventually.”
Jamielookedslightlybaffled.“Mydadalwayssaysifyoucanhelpsomeone,youshouldhelpsomeone.”
“Iloveyourdad,”Lauriesaid,onreflex.
“Thankyou,”Jamiesaid.
“CanI…willyouletmewritetothem,whenwegoourseparateways?Totellthemhowmuchitmeanttome,meetingthem?Icouldn’tbearforthemtothinkIflittedinandflittedoutwithoutabackwardglance.”
“Yes,”Jamiesaid,lookingdrawn.“SorryI’veputyouinthatposition.”
“Iwouldratherbeinthatpositionthanhavenotmetthem.That’sthetruth.”
Jamiestaredatherheavilyforasecond.“There’ssomethingIsaid.Thatweekendaway.IthinkIsuggestedthat…”
AcarhorninterruptedthemandacabdriverwavedatLaurie.
“Suggestedwhat?”
“Ah.It’llkeep,”Jamiesaid.36
AsChristmasdrewevercloser,Lauriewasbackonformatwork,andithighlightedhowunfairithadbeentoaccuseheroffallingstandards.She’dknownthis,butitwasreassuringtohaveitconfirmed.
ShesawColmMcClavertyonthecourtsteps,afterherDisturbanceofthePeaceclienthadgotoffwithamereknucklerap.
“Thanksforthehatchetjobreviewsyou’vebeengivingme,”shesaid.
“It’sjustChinatown,Jake!”
“Idiot.”
“OhGod,ifoneofArsenal’sstrikersisoffform,ManUdon’tletthemwintobenice.”
“Yeah,butwinningorlosinghappensincourt,there’snoneedtogarbagetalkmeoutsideafterward.”
“AllIsaidwasyoudidn’tseemlikeyourself,andthat—Malcolmisit?—Michael,yeah,tookitandranwithit.Likeyouhadotherthingsgoingon.”Heraisedhiseyebrows.
Lauriewasn’tgoingtobite.
“Nexttime,canyounot?”
“Youhavemyword.”
Colmduckeddown,grabbedherhand,andkissedthebackofit,whileLauriesaid:“UGH,GERROFF.”
Meninherprofession,honestly.
“CoffeeandaPretatlunch?”JamiehadWhatsAppedher.They’ddonethisafewtimes,andwhenLaurietodaycommendedhimonattentiontodetailinkeepingupappearances,Jamiesaid,“Tobehonest,it’snicetohaveafriendatwork.Nothingmorethanthattoit.”
“Aw,God!Youpoorthing,”Lauriesaid.
“Don’tworryaboutme,I’musedtoit.‘I’mmarriedtothesea.’”
Lauriesnorted,diggingawoodenforkintohercrayfishandavocado.
“Ihaveaquestionforyou,andyoudon’thavetoanswer.WhenDanandMichaelwerehavingago,theymentionedawomaninLiverpoolwhohadanervousbreakdown.Wasthatyourex?”
“Yeah,God.Michaelhaspeopleeverywhere,huh?”Jamiesaid.“Stephaniehadtimeoffworkandsaidshe’dhadabreakdown,I’mnotsureifitwastrue.Yes,thatsounds…unkind,butsheleanedhardonhowitlookedunchivalrousofmetocontradicther.Iwasscrewed.Staysilentandtacitlyacceptherversion,orspeakupandbethebastardaddingtoherpain.BytheendIhadnofriends,awhackreputation,andIhadtoleave.”
Lauriehadafunnytwingeat“Stephanie.”Nothinglikethesamemagnitudeashearingofa“Megan,”butthatthudwhenanabstractconceptofapersonbecomesfleshandbloodspecific.Namesmatteredmorethanyourealized.
“Whathappened?”
“Wehadathing,formaybetwomonths.IbrokearulebygettinginvolvedwithsomeoneinthesameofficewhichIwillnever,ever…”HelookedatLaurieandstopped.“Exceptwhenit’sdeeplycivilized,likeus.”
Laurienodded.
“Ithoughtwe’dbeenclearitwascasual.ShewasnothappywhenIdecidedithadrunitscourse,feltI’dwrongedherandmisledher.Taleasoldastime.”
“Taleusuallytoldbymen,asoldastime.”Lauriesmiled.
“Yes,allright,noneedtogoallEmmelinePankhurstonme.”Jamiesmiled.“Anyway,fromthenonitwaswarfare:psychological,biochemical.Ihadtoblockheroneveryplaceonline,shedraggedmyemailsfromtheworkserver,shesaid…”Jamiegrimaced,andbrushedapieceofarugulafromhisjacketsleeve.
“Youdon’thavetotellme.”
Heloweredhisvoice:“Shewent’roundsayingI’droughedherupinbed.Thatthere’dbeensomechoking,I’dgonetoofarandhadviolenttendencies.”
“Ugh.”Laurieblanched,immediatelywonderingifhewasintochoking.
“Yeah,ugh,youhaveavisceralreactiontothat.Afterward,though,thedoubtsetsinthatmaybe,maybe,Ididdoit.Herwhisperingcampaignwasprettyeffective—theystartedcallingmetheBostonLincolnshireStrangler.”
“Oof.”
“Eventuallyitwasn’tpossibleformetostay,andIstartedlookingforjobshere.SoMichaelandDanareright:myname’smudatthatfirm.Iwouldpointouttwothingsthough:one,myworkwasfine,andtwo,itallreliesonthetestimonyofoneperson,whoIwasforcedtoconcludeisn’tverystable.”
LaurieknewthatasmuchasMichaelandDanwerebiasedashellinwantingtothinktheworstofJamie,shewasbiasedinwantingtobelievethebest.She’dheardmendotheohher,she’scrazyspieltodiscreditwomenbeforeandsheinstinctivelydidn’tlikeit.Butunlessshe’dbeenveryblessedorJamiewasexceptionallycunning,she’dnotseenawhisperofthisvillainyherself.
“Anyway,enoughofmygrislypast.What’sonmynot-girlfriend’sweekendschedule?”
“Oh.SundaylunchatAlbert’sSchlosswithmydad.BeforehegoesbacktotheBalearicsforthewinter.”
ShetoldJamiehowhisadvicetotellhermotherhadbeenspot-on.“Ithoughtyouwereanewsoulbutyoumightbeanoldsoul.Asmymothersays,”Lauriesaid.
“Beingstrictlyaccurate,youthoughtIwasanarsehole,”Jamiesaid,laughing.Hepausedandshethoughthemightberuminatingonherpaternalrelationship,excepthesaid,“MindifIcopythatvenueidea?I’mmeanttobeorganizingsomethinglunch-likemyself.”
“Sure.”
Astheyarrivedbackattheoffice,aslender,strikingyoungwoman,withslicked-backhairandcoordinatedbeltedcoatandspike-heeledshoes,reachedthedooratthesametimeasthem.
“Eve!”Jamiesaid,moreofanexclamationthanagreeting.
“Oh,heyyou.”
Sheswunginforawhollynothing-like-a-former-internkissonhischeek.HereyesflickeredtoLaurieandbackagain
“I’mhereforlunchwithmyuncle,”shesaid.
ShewasclearlylingeringtosaymoretoJamie,andLauriemutteredpoliteexcusesandleftthemtoit.
Jamie’sreliefatherabsentingherselfwaspalpable,hisnervescracklingandswoopinginthedeadair,likearadiotryingtofindasignal.
Suddenly,asmuchasshewantedtobelievethatnothinguntowardhadhappenedbetweenthem,shedidn’t.Theywerebirdsofafeather:sly,stunning,uptoMachiavellianshenanigansthatremainedmysterioustoploddingmortalslikeLaurie.
Wait,wait:Evewasthewomanhe’dfallenfor?Ofcourse!Itwasforehead-slapobvious.NowonderJamiehadseemedsodiscomfitedjustnow,nowonderhe’dbeenedgyinLincoln.Whataquandary!Hewasgoingtogethispartnership,thenfigureouthowtobroachitwithSalter?Woo-hoo.
Howlifesurprisedyou:notsolongago,she’dhavethought,Idealmatch,thosetwocansitonthronessidebysideinhelltogether.Now,frankly,itseemedmorelikeheaven.
She’dgrownsofondofJamie,andjustlikethat,hewasreturnedtothemagicalrealmhewasfrom.ThiswouldbetrueevenwithoutEve—Jamiewasn’tgoingtostaydoinghisjoblong.Ifhedidn’tgetmadepartner,asMichaelcorrectlypredicted,he’dbeofftoLondon,nodoubt.
Backatherdesk,Lauriehadafeelingofmissinghimbeforehe’dleftherlife.37
Laurielikedtogotonoisy,busyvenueswithherfather.Itpluggedanygapsinconversationorunderstandingbetweenthemlikeinsulationfoam.
Albert’sSchlosswaseverythingLaurieexpected:abarnlikespaceheavingwithpeoplewhosawthemselvesaspartofthecity’sscene,firepitsdottedaroundtheroom,alivejazzbandonacoustics.Thefestiveseasonreflectedinsomeadditionalred-greennaperyandstringsofgoldbells.
“IsNicjoiningus?”Lauriehadtexted,whenmakingthebooking.
“Nah,she’sgotbusinesstodoinLiverpool.”
She’dneverbeenaskedaboutherprematureexitfromtheweddingparty,whichsheputdownto(1)herdispensabilityand(2)neitherofthembeingabletoremembermuchthenextday.
Lauriewasgladshe’dgoneforalow-keyshowy-offySundayoutfit,afloraldresswithabikerjacketoverthetop,astheclienteleherewereverymuchsportingtheWokeUpLikeThislookthattookanhourtocreate.
Shegotseatedbangontimeathalftwelve,askedforabeer.Itwassoonquartertoone:herdadwaslate,ofcoursehewas.Laurierelaxedintopeoplewatchinginstead.ShethoughtbacktodoingthesameintheRefugeinthesummer,spyingJamieonhisdatewithEve.God,thatfeltlikealifetimeago.
Itwasoneo’clocknow.Herdadwasn’tonlygoingtobelate,hewasgoingtobeflamboyantlylate.Lauriepusheddowntherisingquerulousnessinsideher,theoutrageof:Howisthirtyminuteslate,whenwehardlyeverseeeachother,OK?Howisitnotamassiveindicationofindifference?Becausewhenevershegotaheightup,asDanlikedtocallit,herdadwouldsweepinwithbonhomieandfulsomeapologiesandastupidlyindulgentpresentofsomesort,andinafingersnap,shehadtoconverthermutinousmoodintoawelcomingone.
Howdidyoufalloutwithaparentyoubarelysawfromtheendofoneyeartothenext?Argumentsneededtobesomethingoutoftheordinaryfromgenerallygettingon.Ifyouhadarow,thenthatwasitforanotheryear:therowdefinedtherelationship.Atsomelevelherdadknewthis,ofcourse.Hedependeduponit.Nowonderhermumhatedhim.
Laurieaskedforanothercider(“Didyouwanttoorderfood?”“No,I’llwait,thankyou.”),thenanother.ThethirdwasapoordecisionbutitwasnowquartertotwoandLauriewashalfdrunkandentertainingthepossibilityshehadbeenstoodup.Byherowndad.
Thereshouldbeacleverword,aGermanword,forthatfeelingwhensomeoneletsyoudownandit’snotremotelysurprisingandyetstillshocking.Shedrainedherglass.Afourthwasprobablycrazy,thoughshecouldreallyfancyone.Becausedrunk.
“Excuseme?”
LaurielookedupattheBelfast-accentedwaitresswiththecheekbones,throughherslightlycider-foggedgaze.
“I’mreallysorry.Weneedthetableback?”SheheldherslenderarmoutandtwistedthestraponherwristwatchsotheclockfacewasvisibletoLaurie,tounderlineherpoint.
Ofcourse,Lauriehadforgottentheharshtableturninginpopularplaceslikethis.Shecouldn’tsquathereandgetsmashedevenifshewantedto.
ThewaitressdidindeedlookreallysorryforLaurieandLauriewasaflamewiththeheatoftheroom’sfirepitsforwhatherfatherhadputherthrough.SheleftcashwithabigtipforthebeersandtoreoutofAlbert’sSchlosswithoutmakingeyecontactwithanyone.
Outside,Lauriecheckedherphonetoseeifherdadhadmessaged—lol,ofcoursehehadn’t—andcalledhim.Itrangout,unanswered.Hi,thisisAustin!Iknowweallhatetalkingintothesethingsbutspeakafterthebeepifyoucanbearit.Shecouldleaveastingingrebukeonanswerphonebutwhatwouldbethepoint?
Whensheglancedup,shestartedatJamiewalkingtowardher,lookingliketheessenceofyounggorgeousManchesterwankerinablacksweater,darkjeans,andblacktrainers.Jacketthrownoverthecrookofhisarm,eventhoughitwasminty-freshcold.Vanity,always.
Hewaswithaheavysetyoungmaninaredjacketandtwogirls,onewithshortdarkhairandanotherwithaballetdancer’sbun.Theywereboth,itwasevidentfromadistance,gorgeous.
“Hi!”LaurieandJamiebothsaidinunison.
Theymutuallyexchangedanalarmedlookthatsaid:Ifwearemeanttobedating,thenthisshouldbehandledacertainwaybutwe’venotreallythoughtwhatthatmightinvolve.
“Yougoahead,I’llhavethehousebeer,”Jamiesaid,fixingithastily,gesturinghisfriendsinside.
Whenthey’dsafelytroopedthroughthedoor,hesaid,“That’samatefrommyLiverpooldaysandsomeotherfriends.SomehowIdidn’tthinkwhenyousaidyouwerecominghere,it’dbeSunday.Youwaitingforyourdad?”
“WellIwas.”
LaurieexplainedtoJamiewhyshewasleaving,andJamiegrimacedandsaid:“That’scompletelyshit.Andhe’snotpickingup?Wow.”
“Yep.Also,don’tturn’roundandlook,butbeawarethey’vegivenyourfriendsseatsinthewindow,andtheyhaveadirectlineofsighttousrightnow.”
“I’veneverfeltasguiltyinmylifeasIdo,doingabsolutelynothingwrongwithyou.”JamiegrinnedandLaurietriedtosmile,butshecouldn’tmanagemuchofone.
Itwasgoodtoseehim,ifinexcruciatingcircumstances.Washeonadoubledate…?
“AreyouOK?”hesaid.
BeingaskedifshewasOK,afriendseeinghernotOK-ness,tippedthebalance.Laurie’seyesstunginthebrightwintersunlightandshesaid,morosewithalcoholonanemptystomach:“WastheresomethinginDanthatwaslikemydad,thatIunconsciouslyhomedinon?IfeellikeIworeapleasekickmyarsesomemoresign.Withoutknowingit.ShouldIhavetreatedthembothdifferently?”
“No.Listen.”JamieputhishandonhersideandmovedLauriefurtheroutofthewayofthedoor,asmorecustomersarrived.“Listentomeonthis,IknowwhatI’mtalkingabout.It’sgotfuckalltodowithyou.I’veletdownsomegreatpeopleinmytimeanditwasnever,everanythingtodowiththem.Infact,sometimesthefacttheyweregreatsentmespinningoffevenharderintheoppositedirection.”
Lauriegulped.Shewasontheprecipiceoftearsandthissortofkindnesscouldpushherrightover.
“Theyaremessingup.Thisistheirinadequacy.Don’tputitonyourself.Thatyourdadcan’tbeafatherandDancan’tbeanottreacherousdickheadarefaultsintheirownstars.You’reoverhere.”JamiegesturedacirclearoundLaurie.“Doingyou.Andyouarecompletelyfuckinggreat.”
“Thankyou,”Lauriesaidtightly.
“Ifyoueverbelievethat,you’llbecompletelyunstoppable.Ikindofhopeyoudon’t.”
HesmiledandLauriesmiledbackweakly
“Jamie…?”Theballet-bun-hairgirlhungoffthedoorinaninsouciantway,likeachildplaying.Herskinnyjeansshowedshehadapelvisthesizeofabanjo.LauriewonderedifJamiewasplayingit.Shefeltapangofinsecurity.
“Weneedtoorderfood?”
“Getmetheroastdinnerthing.Dotheyhavethat?OK,oneofthoseplease.”
Thegirllingered,lookingtoLaurie,thenJamie,thenbacktoLaurieagain,disconcerted.
“CanIhaveamomentwithLaurie,please?”Jamiesaidtoher,andhereyeswidened.
Thedoorslappedshutasshescuttledoffinside.Thegirlwatchedthemwithbugeyes,frombeyondapaneofglass,hermouthmovingrapidlyasshenodoubtupdatedhertablemates.
“Areyouseeingher?”Lauriesaid,blurting,slightlytakenabackattheidea.Whatatangledwebthiswas:Whatabouthisfakegirlfriend,andwhataboutEve?
“No,”Jamiesaid,frowning.“Ithoughtweagreedwewouldn’tdothat,whilethiswasgoingon.Areyouseeinganyone?”
Laurieshookherhead,thinking,Ishould’vethoughtthatwasobvious.Who’ddatethisgibberingwreck?Shecan’tgetadatewithherowndad.
“I’dnotsaywhatIjustdidtoher,ifIwas,wouldI?”Jamielookedperplexed,evenfaintlyannoyed,andLauriecouldn’tentirelyreadwhy.
“Sweetheart!”
Theybothturnedatthemalevoicebehindthem.
Worsethanherdadnotturningupwasherdadturningupnow.Soofcoursethat’swhathe’ddone.
“Wedidsayhalftwo,didn’twe?Hellothere,Jamie,wasit?”
Slovenly.That’swhatherfatherwas.Itwasanoddwordnowadays,youonlyeverhearditwhendetectivesergeantsreadfromtheirnotebooksincourttodescribethedefendant.
Notinappearance,quitetheopposite:anotherimmaculatecheckedshirt,abaubleofawatchandspotlessbomberjacket.AustinWatkinsonwasslovenlyinhishabits,inhisattitude,hiscareforothers.Slapdash.Blewonewayandthentheother.
“No.Wesaidhalftwelve.”
“Oh.”
HerdadlookedatJamie,whowasstaringathim.
“Shallwegoin?”hesaid.
“Wecan’t.Ourreservationwasforhalftwelveuntilhalftwo.They’vethrownmeoutafterIsatwaitingforyoufortheentiretime,”Lauriesaid.
“Oh.Right.Whoops.Sorry,love.Let’sthinkaboutwhereelsewecango,then.It’sonme!”
Herdadrummagedinhiscoatpocket,producedapackofMarlboroLights.Hetappedoneoutandlititbehindacuppedhand.Afterheblewthesmokeoutsideways,hesaid,“Whyareyoubothsoglumandwhyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”HeaddressedJamie,thenLaurie.“Whyishelookingatmelikethat?”
“Becauseyou’retwohourslateandshortofonedecentexcuse?”JamiewasperfectlydirectandsteadyandLauriewasquiteimpressedathimdecidingtostayput,andstayincharacter.
“Ohdear!”HerdadclappedJamie’sshoulderinafaux-mateymanner.“Verychivalrousdefense,youngman.Youhavemyapproval.”
JamielookedatLaurieindisbeliefandLauriealmostwincedathowcheapandglibherfatherwas.Whenshewasyounger,shebrieflythoughtthedevil-may-careroutinewasimpressive.Ithadagedbadly.
“DoyouthinkafterI’vesatstaringintoabeerfortwohours,withoutyouhavinghadthebasiccourtesytouseyourphone,Iwanttogotolunchlikenothinghappened?”Lauriesaid.
“I’msorry!Iwasn’tsurewhattimewesaidandthenLinuscalledmeandwewereontheblowerforanageandwhenIgotoffIthoughtitmademoresensetoraceherethan…”
“Translation,youdidn’tgiveenoughofashittocheck,oritdidn’tsuityoutobehereathalftwelveandyouthoughtmessingmearoundwasapriceworthpayingforthatconvenience.”
“Oh,itwashardlythatconsidered,it’sanhonestmistake.Dowehavetodothisinfrontofhim?IfeellikeI’mgoingtobefinishingthisconversationbeingtape-recordedinthenick.Whatisyourproblem?”HehalflaughedatJamie.Hedidn’tlikeLauriehavingsupport,shecouldtell,probablyusedtoDansmoothingoveranygapsinrealitiesinthepast.Andhismanipulationhadalwaysworkedbetteronheralone;hedidn’tlikeawitness.
“Myproblemiswonderingwhatyoudidtodeserveadaughterlikethis,whenyoutreatherlikethis,”Jamiesaidsimply.
“Christalive,Ithinkyoumightbeextrapolatinghardbasedononecock-up,don’tyou?Hello,I’mAustin,wemetaminuteago.Let’sstartagain,shallwe?”
“Wemetattheweddingreception,”Jamiesaid.
“Oh?Look,thatwasabusyroom,Imetalotofpeople.Betyoulikedthefreebar,though.”
Laurietookadeepbreath.Somehow,she’dknownthiswascoming,ifmaybenotthissoon.Shecouldn’tfacethePetememoryandnotknowthiswouldbetheconsequence.“Idon’twanttogoforlunchwithyou.”
“Suityourself.Let’sdothiswhenyou’vecalmeddown.I’mintownforacoupleofdaysnextmonth,Ithink.”
“Idon’twanttodoitever.What’sthepointofpretending,whenthissortofselfishbullshitisthetotalofourrelationship?Let’sletthisgo.Idon’tknowwhatyougetoutofit—Icertainlydon’tgetanythingbuthumiliationanddisappointment.”
Aroundthem,happycarefreedressypeoplestreamedpastandintoAlbert’sSchlosstoeatsausagesandgetratted,inahedonisticmillennialversionoftheSabbath.
Meanwhile,Lauriewasterminatingherrelationshipwithherfather,standingnexttothemanshewasonlypretendingtoberomanticallyentangledwith,inordertohurtthemanwhohadhurther.Hashtagblissville.
Herdadfinishedhiscigarette,threwthestubonthepavement,andgrounditunderfoot.“Thiswildoverreactionbasedononefootwrongisstronglyreminiscentofyourmotherinherheyday,I’msorrytosay.”
Invokinghermum,thinkingLauriewouldhatethecomparisonwithawomanhe’drejected.Whatanutterarsehole.
Thosewhosaidfamilymatteredaboveallelsewerewrong.Peopleyoulove,wholoveyouback,matteraboveall.Crappeopleyouhappentoberelatedto:youneedtostopthinkingyouowethemalimitlessnumberofchancestohurtyou.
Laurieinhaleddeeply,tastingthefreedomfromexpectationlikethefirsttangofsaltairattheseaside.
“Iwasamistake,Iknowthat.Youdidn’twantme.WhenIwasababy,youwalkedawayandleftMumtodealwitheverythingalone.Well,nowI’mtheonecallingyouamistake,andwalkingaway.”
Herdadsaidnothingforamoment,hiseyesflickingfromLaurietoJamieandbackagain.
“JeezLouise.OK.I’mgoingtohaveapintinthere.”HejerkedhisheadtowardBrewDog.“Whenyou’vecalmeddown,feelfreetojoinme.Ifandwhenyouandlaughingboydetachyourselvesfromeachother.”
LauriebelatedlynoticedJamiehadhisarmaroundherwaist.Itmadeherstraightenherback.
Herdadthrusthishandsinhisjeanspocketsandslouchedofftothepub,withverymuchacarewornairofthethingsIhavetoputupwith.
JamieturnedaroundandhuggedLaurietohim.Itfeltlikeheabsorbedheranxiety,defusedit.
“Thatcan’thavebeeneasy.ButIthinkyoudidtherightthing,”hesaid,whileLauriebreathedhotlyintohisjumper.
Shegotherselfbackundercontrolasquicklyaspossible,notwantingtobestreettheaterforJamie’sgang.She’dstoppedlookingtoseeiftheywerelooking.
“Doyouwantmetostaywithyou?Thatlotwillunderstand.Orthey’llbetoldtounderstandit,”Jamiesaidwithawinningsmile.ThosesmileswerehittingLaurieharderlately.
“Ah.No,”Lauriesaid,fullydisentangling,wipinghereyes.“Thanksbutno,I’mfine.Walkhomewilldomegood.”
“OK.”
Jamieleaneddownandkissedheronhercheek,gavehershoulderasupportivesqueeze,turned,andwentintotherestaurant.
Lauriewalkeddowntheroad,pastBrewDogwhereherdadwassinkingEstrella,pasttheMidlandwheresheandDanoncespentahedonisticforty-eighthours,anddrewhercoattogetheragainstthecold.Whyhadshebeenindenialaboutherdadforsolong,andaccommodatedsomuch?Itwasstrange,butsherealized,partlybecauseDanwould’vedisapprovedofhergettingshot.Wheneverherdadtookthebarepiss,DanmadethecaseforNotMakingaSceneorNotBlowingItUpintoSomethingorYouKnowWhatHe’sLike,Though.
Ifhe’dbeenherethistime,hewould’veundercutLaurie,said:Nothere,notnow,letitgo.Let’shaveapint.Comeon,youtwohardlyeverseeeachother.Herdadwould’vedividedandconquered
AfterwardwheneverLauriefumed,But,Dan,hedeservedit,he’dhavesaid,Ohtrue.Butthemomenthadalwaysgone.
Dancamefromhislovely,safemiddle-classparents,andLaurie’sdadwastheroguewho’dofferedDanlinesinthetoiletthefirsttimetheymet.Dancouldn’ttakehimseriously,ineverysense.
Whentheystillspokeintheoryofawedding,LauriealwayssaidtoDan,“I’mnothavingmydadgivemeaway,nope,noway.”
AndDanalwaysprotested,quitevociferously.“Comeon,Lolly”(shewasonlyeverbabiedasLollywhenhewantedtoshutdownadebate).“He’syourdad.Yourdadgivesyouaway.Itwouldn’tbeadayforgrudges.”
Nomatterhowmanytimessheexplainedit,Dandidn’tgetit.
Jamiegotit.Shecouldhearhisvoiceinherheadnow,clearasabell.Fuckhim,whyshouldhe,whycouldn’titbeyourmum?Sheraisedyou.Ifit’sforanyparentto“giveyouaway,”it’sher.Hislackofsentimentalityabouttraditionhaditsuses.Shesmiledatthethought.
Whenthiswasover,shewantedtostayfriendswithJamie.She’dbeenwrongabouthim—shesuspectedinpartbecauseJamiehadbeenwrongabouthimself.Theymightbechalkandcheesebuthewasawholeperson,agrown-up,therealdeal.Shevaluedhim,hisperspectiveonthings.Shefeltlikehevaluedher.
Lauriefeltherphonegobrrrrpinherpocketandyankeditout.It’dbeherdadsaying:Wherehaveyougotto?Comeon,let’smakeup.Gotsomechampagneinhereandapintforyourfella.
Thewayhespentmoneywastoguiltyou,toindebtyou,tobewitchandbefuddleyou.Onlylateryou’drealizeyou’dbeenbought.
Jamie
Ifyou’reamistakeyou’rethegreatestoneevermade.I’mreallyproudtoknowyou.xx
Laurie’seyesprickedwithtearsandherheartsoaredandsheremonstratedwithherself,ascartoonstarsstartedtodancearoundherhead:thisisawarmfriendship.Hecares.Andyou’revulnerable,andciderisn’tmeanttobehot
Hegottwokissesafterherthank-you,though.
Asmallvoiceinsideherheadwhisperedtoher,andshehissedatittoshutup.Thevoiceinsisted:Jamiewasthereonpurpose,toseeyou.Hewantedtobethere.HeknewyouweregoingforSundaylunch.YousaidSunday.Definitely.
Oh,shutup,Laurienearlysaidoutloud.
I’mnotwrong,saidthevoice.38
Therewasacertaintypeofcelebrationthrownbypeoplewhodidn’tdopartiesandtheyweresignificantlyworsethanthoseorganizedbypeoplewholikedparties.
ThedifficultywithSalter&Rowson’sannualChristmasbashwasitwasconceivedbytwomenintheirsixtieswhoneversocializedbeyondtheirgolfclubs,tryingtoimaginewhatpeopleintheirthirtiesmightdoforaknees-up.ItresultedinGreekrestaurantswithtraditionaldancingandtaramasalatathecolorofbubblegumandbasketsofdrypitacorners.Ordeafening-volumewinebarstryingtomoonlightasmasscaterers,servingforty-fiveturkeyrisottoswithacranberryjusandparsniptuiles.
Thisyearwasattheuniversity;andwithitswoodpanelingandorganandchandeliers,itlookedpleasinglyliketheHogwartsgreathall.Theplus,nokaraoke.Thedrawbackwasthatinordertomakeitprofitable,itaccommodatedmultiplecompaniesandhundredsofpeopleatthesametime.
Foralltheeleganceofthesurroundings,itwould’vebeentonsnicertohavealesserplacetothemselves.Heigh-ho.OrHOHOHO,asthegiantilluminatedlettersonstagehadit.
However,itwouldn’thavematterediftheythrewtonight’sshebanginthePalaceofVersailles,itonlymatteredtoLauriethatDanwastakingMegan.Thiswasconfirmedbyamessageshortlyafterthecompanyemail,askingifitwasOK.Wanker.Bastard.Oneoftheworstthingsaboutyou,Lauriedecided,isIthoughtIwasagoodjudgeofcharacter.
ButLaurie,sosoonafterannouncingthemfreeagents,couldhardlyobject,anditwasfacelosstocare,anyway.Thechutzpahofthiswomantoo;Lauriecouldn’tmaketheimaginativeleapwhereshethoughtitwasacceptable,letalonedesirable,tositatatableinthesameroomasLaurie.
“She’llhaverationalized:wedidn’tdoanythinguntiltheywereover;iftheywererighttheywouldn’tbeover;andI’mtheonewiththebaby,whichisacompleteandfinalanswertowhatmattershere,sostandaside,”Emilysaid.“Noneofwhichmakesheranylessofabitch.”
“Tellingme.”
Lauriespentasmallfortuneonafire-enginered,one-shouldereddressthatpulledintightatthewaistandhadachiffonskirtthatflaredoutinsoftfoldsinaStrictlyComeDancingsortofway.LauriefeltasifsheshouldberaisedoverheadinitbyarippedEasternEuropeanhunk,toabigbandreinterpretationofaLadyGagasong.Sheworeherhairoutandbig,havinggoneforablow-dry.Andutilizedthesiren-redlipstickthatEmilygother.Thelookwasalmostcomically“ThankU,Next”defianttoanex,andyetLauriehadnoqualmsaboutmakinganeffort,notlikeherapprehensionbeforetheIvy.Anythinglessthanapyrotechnicalshowofstrength,whenfacedwithyourexandhispregnantmistress,wasunconscionable.
Whensheremovedherouterwearatthecoatcheck,Jamiesaid:“Youlookutterly,completelyhot,”andseemedtomeanit.Lauriecouldonlygivehimatensesmile.
Jamiewasinablacksuit,whiteshirt,blacktie.(“IlooklikeawaiteroraReservoirDogbutI’mnotwearingatuxedo.Unlessyougetonemade,theyneverfit,andI’mnotwearingabaggyhiredoneandfeelinglikeI’minBoyzIIMen.”)
“It’sgoingtobeOK,”hesaidquietly,takingherhand,astheyenteredthemainhall.
“Butwesplitupaftertonight!”Lauriehissedathimwithasmile.They’dreaffirmedthatpost-Christmasdo,itwastimetodrawthingstoaclose.
“True.Thisissometa,”Jamiesaid.
Theystudiedtheseatingplanandlocatedtheirtable,seeingthey’dbeenputdirectlynexttoMichaelandhisdateforthenight,anervyvapesmokercalledSam.
GiventhebilethatMichaelhadsprayedatJamiepreviously,JamiewasextremelygraciousandsolicitoustobothhimandSam,whileMichaellookedstormyandmurderousthroughout.
SamtooktoJamie,thewaymostwomendid.Laurienotedthatassoonasitwasindangerofbecomingobvious,JamiefoundawaytoreferbacktoLaurieandbringherintotheconversation,sotherewasnodangerofMichaelclaimingJamiehadflirted.ExceptLauriewassurethatMichaelwouldclaimthatanyway.OnceyoudespisedsomeonewiththatsortofOldTestamentfervor,youcouldalwaysfindthematerial.
TheywerecheekbyjowlwithladsfromExperian,andasix-foot-somethinggiantinakiltcalledAngusinsistedthat,asheandLauriewerebacktoback,theyhadtointroducethemselvestoeachother.Sheshookhishandandfeltgladofthemerrygoodwillallaround.Howevertempting,itwould’vebeensowrongtostayawaytonight.
AngusangledhischairtowardLaurieandmadeconversationwithheruntilthesalmonmousseappeared.
Asthestarterswerebeingsweptawayandtherightcombinationofpeoplewereoutoftheirseatsatthesametimetoprovideadirectlineofsight,Lauriesawthem.
Danwasinanoldsuitsherememberedhelpinghimchoose,Megan,asmallbutprominentbumpvisible,wasinapalebluestrappydress,ashinycurtainofpoker-straightredhairtuckedbehindherears.Lauriegazedatthebump.Nowitwasinfrontofher,assimplefact,itspowerwasconsiderablydispelled.Itwasnothingtodowithher.
Megandidn’tappeartobeinteractingmuchwithanyone,incliningherheadtosaysomethingtoDaneverysooften.Thensomeonespoketothem,andshesawMeganplaceherhandonDan’skneeinaproprietorialfashion.Laurieflinched,butafteramoment’sanalysis,realizeditwasaflinchatthestrangenessofseeingthis,notMegan’srightsoverDan.Itfeltdisorientatingandpeculiar,likesellingapieceoffamilyfurnitureandseeingitinsomeoneelse’shouse.Butyouknewitdidn’tfitinyourplaceanymore.
Meganleanedin,doingacutesomeandstagyheadtilt,asifsomeonewastakingaphotographofthem,beforeburstingintopealsofgirlishgigglesandpettingathisface.Danreceivedthiswithtolerancebutslightembarrassment,Lauriedetected.
Andinanothermomentofobservation,Lauriegotit—shefinallyfigureditout.ThecleardifferencethatMeganoffered,comparedtoher:uncomplicatedadoration.Danwasrunningtheshowandbeingmadetofeelinchargeandmanly.
Sherecalledthatmomentinthespareroom,Dansayingresentfully:“You’resobloodyclever,youare.”
LauriehadthoughtsheandDanbeingamatchwasagoodthing,thatshekepthimonhistoes.Theysparred.Butawomanhadcomealongofferingtoplayactthesupplicant,dotheYouTarzan,MeJane,andhecouldn’tresist.He’dstartedtofindLauriewearing,bycomparison
Sheneverthoughtshe’dhaveanexplanation,orclosure,andnowshedid.Huh.Itfeltrelievingandslightlyflat,likefindingoutwhodunitinamurdermysteryandrealizingthequestionwasmoreintriguingthantheanswer.MeganlookedoveratLaurie,andLauriefoughtherinclinationtoglanceawayandreturnedMegan’sgazesteadily.Afteralongmoment,Megandroppedhereyesandfussedwiththenapkinonherlap.
“Yep,”Lauriesaid,tonoonebutherself,pickingupabottleofwineandrefillingherself.
“YouOK?”Jamieaskedagain,inherear,armaroundthebackofherbanquetingchairwiththebroadfestiveredandgreensashribbonaroundit.
“Yes,”Lauriesaid.“I’mmoreOKthanI’vebeeninalongwhile,andIhavenoideahoworwhy.”
“Ido,”Jamiesaidwithasmile.
“Oh?”
“Itoldyouwhenyoustartedtobelieveinyourself,you’dbeunstoppable.”
JamieCarter,whatanunlikelyhero.Inthatsecond,shewonderedifshelovedhim.39
“TheIdiocyHoursarewellunderway.”
LaurieandBharatwereleaningagainstthebaronalegstretch,andBharatwaslookingaroundtheroomwithacurltohislip.Thedancefloorhadappearedafterathirdofthetableswerewhiskedoutofsight,replacedbystretchofparquetfloor,scatteredwithdisco-ballfragmentsoflight.“This’llbeasceneofhorrifyingcarnageprettysoon
Laurielaughed.Bharatstronglybelievedthatanythingthathappenedafter9:30p.m.attheChristmasdowasbestheardaboutratherthanparticipatedin,andwaspreparingtomakegoodhisdeparture.
“Letmeknowifanythingscintillatingkicksoff?Di’shadthreeBabychams,soshe’llnotremember.”
LauriefaithfullypromisedBharatshe’dbehissurveillancedetail.
Peoplewerestandingupnow,tiesloosened,bottlesofbeerinhand,covertsnogginginthedarkerrecessesoftheroom.Thenighttimeskywasvisiblethroughthevaststained-glasswindows;andasshewalkedbacktothetable,Lauriethoughtabouthowshe’dgohomealone,butwasn’treallylonelyanymore.Orifshewas,itwasonlyinpassing,notasaconstantstate.Herpowerswerereturning.She’dmetDanwhenshewaseighteen,whenshehadtheconfidencetostrideuptoabunchofladsinfreshers’weekandtellthemshe’dsorttheproblemout.Thatgirlwasn’tcreatedbyhim,sheexistedalready.
Danhadchosenafuturewithouther,andassadandharrowingandunexpectedasthathadbeen,nowshegottochooseafutureforherself.Itwasexhilarating.
“Dancewithme?”Jamiesaid,asshereachedhim,pushinghischairoutandtakingLaurie’shand.
“Isthisfortheireyes?”Lauriesaid,behindthebackofherhand,andgesturedtowardMistersSalterandRowson.RowsonlookedlikeanangryschoolmasterinaDickensadaptation,wirywithasquaresetface,athatchofbrownhairthatlookedasifitwasmadefromwirewool,beetlingeyebrows,andblack-rimmedglasses.“’CosIthinkyou’reallright,they’veclockedustogether.”
“No,itisn’t,”Jamiesaid,affronted.“SometimesIthinkyouropinionofmeisasbadaseveryoneelse’satthiscompany.”
Laurieexhaledandlong-suffering-smiledandletherselfbeledontothefloor,feelingthemanyeyesfollowingthem
Prince’s“PurpleRain”wasstarting.
“Areyougoodatslowdancing?”Lauriesaidwithdifficultyoverthemusic.“I’mneverquitesurewhattodo.”
“Ithinkitworkslikethis.”
Jamieputonearmaroundherwaistandplacedherhandonhisshoulder.Withtheirfreehands,theyheldhands.Themomentherfingersclosedaroundhis,shefeltajoltofsomething,analivenesswhereshewasacutelyconsciousofeverypointofcontactbetweentheirbodies.Hispalmslippingtowardherhipbone,thefabricofhisshirtandhisshouldermuscleunderneathherfingertips.Thelightpressureofhercorsetedchestpressedagainsthis—itwascompletelyG-rated,familyfriendly,andyetsomehowthesexiestthingLauriehadeverexperienced.
Shecouldn’tlookhimintheeyes,andlaidherheadagainsthischest,breathingtheirclosenessin.LauriehadbeeninproximitytoJamienumeroustimes,yettherewassomethinginthismoment,thissustainedembrace,itforcedhertofacechemistryshe’dbeenassiduouslyavoiding.
Theywereconsciouslycreatingtheclosingcreditstotheirstory,theonethatstartedinabrokenlift.Howshoulditend?Shouldsheturnherheadupward,tiltitslightly,andfinallykisshim,beforethestagecurtainfell?
Buthowwouldsheknowhehadgenuinelywantedtokissher?Didshewantsomeonetopretendtowanttokissher,howeverwellhedidit?
Ionlywantedtobesomekindoffriend
Eventhesongseemedtobespeakingtothem,asenseofsomethingspinningoffitsaxis,goingawry.Shecouldn’tseeJamie’sface,orjudgeifhewasfeelinganythinglikewhatshefelt.
Whentheybrokeapartattheendofthesong,shelookedupathiminwondertoseeifhisfaceheldanyclue,andhewaslookingbackatherwithacompletelyintent,lovestruckexpressionsheknewshe’dtrytoholdontoinhermind’seyeuntilherdyingday.Youdidn’tgetmanyofthoselooksinalifetime
“Ineedtheloo,”shemumbled,breakingawaybeforeJamiecouldsayanything,pickingherwaythroughtheincreasingChristmaspartycarnagetotheladies’room.
Onherway,shepassedDan,wholookedlikethetimeonthecaravanholidaywhenhe’dfoundratdroppingsinhisCocoPopsboxaftereatingthemforfourdays.
“Hi!”Lauriesaid,andsweptonwardbeforehecouldreply.
SlowdancingwithJamie,andithadn’tevenoccurredtoherwhetherDanwaswitnessingit.
Whatwouldsuccessfeelliketoyou?Shecouldfinallyanswerthat:self-respect.
Itfeltlikenotcaringanymore.
ShewashedherhandsincoldwaterandlookedatherfaceinthemirrorandtriedtomakesenseofwhythreeminutesofclingingtoJamieCarterlikeakoalahadleftherinthisstate.Alcohol,Prince,himlookinggreatinablacksuit,thesewerefactors.Theydidn’tadduptothefullanswer.Sheballedapapertowelinherhands.
AtoiletflushedandMegancameoutofacubicle,lookingasdumbstrucktoseeLaurieasLauriewastoseeher.Shestoodperfectlystillforasecond.
Theonlynoisewastheburbleofthemusicbeyondathickwallandthedrippingofatap.
“Ididn’tthinkI’deverbethisperson,”Megansaideventually.
“NeitherdidI,”Lauriesaid.“AndIdidn’thaveachoiceaboutit.”
Shethrewthepapertowelintothebin,andleftMeganstandingthere.
Whenshereturnedtothemainhall,shecouldseeJamieatadistance,chattingwithagood-lookinggirlfromanothertable,andwantedtowolfhowlwithpossessiveness.Shefeltawashofconfusion,yearning,andrivalry.
HethoughthewasfallingforEve,butnoonewouldholdhimbackforlong,wouldthey?Hewasnodoubtconstitutionallyincapableofmonogamy.
Lauriewouldn’tdothis,sherefusedtodothis.Shewouldn’tbreakherownheartinthestyleofaravingidiot.JamieCarterwassoldasseen,shehadnocausetocriticizehimforbeingwhohewas,andshewasgladofthat.Shewantedtokeeplikinghim.
Shebackedoutofthedoorandthroughananteroomandshewasinblessedfreshair,albeitblessedfreshairthatwasgoingtofeelArcticwithinseconds.
“Hello,again,”saidafriendlygiantinakilt.
“Hello,AngusfromExperian,”Lauriesaid.
“Hello,Lauriethelawyer.Whatareyoudoingouthere?”
“Itgottoomuch.Briefly.”
“Iknowwhatyoumean.ThelassIwasseeinguntilNovemberistonguingDuncanfromComplaints.Iwonderifhe’lllistentomycomplaint.Howaboutyou?Whatgottoomuch?”
“Ah,tricky.Myexofeighteenyearsisherewithhispregnantgirlfriend.Alwaysgoingtobechallenging.”
“Whoa,”Angussaid.“That’ssomedeepwater.You’resingle?”
“Single,”Lauriesaid.Itnowfeltnaturaltosayit.Evenpositive.
“Thatwon’tlastlong.You’recrazypretty,”Angussaid.“Youlooklikethatgirloutofthatsoapopera.”
“AngelaGriffin,”Lauriesupplied.
“Ohmy…!Howonearthdidyougettherethatquick?”
Laurielaughed.“Becausewhenyou’rehalfblack,black-ish,everyonehasthesamefivereferencepointsforyou.I’mcollectingthem.I’vehadMissandeifromGameofThronesandMarshaHuntalreadythisyear.What’sfunnyis,noneofthemlookremotelylikeeachother.”
“Shit,sorry,”Angussaid,andshewinced:hewasobviouslyabenevolentcharacter.
“No,no,I’mflattered!”
“BetterthanwhoIget.AlexSalmond,usually.”
Lauriehooted.“Nottrue.”Shepaused.“Singlehood.I’mquitenervousabouttheideaofbeingwithsomeonenew.”
“It’llbegrand.Likeridingabicycle.”
Hehadafriendlyface,akindface.WasJamiegoingtogohomewiththatgirl?
“You’resopretty,”Angusrepeated.
“Thanks.”
Angusleaneddownandputhismouthonhers,andLaurieonlyprocessedshewasabouttobekissed,oncethekisshadbegun.Sherespondedatadelay,feelingasifshewasstandingoutsideherselfandobservingwhatitwaslikewithsomeoneunfamiliar,whomovedtheirmouthdifferently.Itwasneitherunpleasantnorthatgreat,shedecided.Onemilestonepassedthough.ThefirstkissafterDan.
Acoughing,rightbythem,andtheymovedapart.Jamiewaswatchingthem,holdingLaurie’scoat.
“ShallIgetyouyourtaxi?Lookslikeyou’vehadenough,”Jamiesaid,andwithhistoneofvoice,Angussaid,“Rightho,”andmadehimselfveryscarce,veryfast.
JamiewhiskedLauriearoundthecorner,propellingratherthanholdingher,andwhenhewassuretheywerealone,said:“Whattheactualfuck?Rememberthewholethingaboutnocheatingduringourdating?Itbeingahumiliationfortheotherperson?AndtheChristmaspartybeingkindofimportant?”
HelookedutterlyfuriousandLauriefoundherselfstutteringapologies.
“Seriously,outsidetheChristmasparty?Areyouforfuckingreal?”
“Sorry,”Lauriesaidhangingherheadlikeanaughtyschoolgirl.“I’mreallysorry.Ididn’tthink.”
Jamiestaredather,asmuchitseemedindisbeliefasfury.
“ThankGoditwasonlymewhosaw,Iguess.AndIdon’tmatter.”
“Well.NeitherdoI.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Idon’tknow.”
“You’redrunk,”Jamiesaid,butshewasn’t,andheknewshewasn’t,anditwasmerelyawelcomewayoutforbothofthem.40
Torrentialrain,theemphaticManchestersort,thesizeofstairrodsandsoundingstrongenoughtobreakglass,bucketeddown.Itwasasiftheweatherhadreactedtowhatshe’ddone.Theskyhadexploded,thewayJamiedid.
Athome,Laurielaydownonthesofa,kickinghershoesoff,feethookedoverthearm.Sheshouldtakethedressoffbutshecouldn’tbringherselftode-Cinderellayet—itmightbeyearsbeforesheworethisagain.Thenshegotup,litsomecandlesandputaPrincecompilationon.
Hewascompletelywithinhisrightstoletflyather,she’dbeenrecklessandselfish.Shewastryingtoescapefromherself,andeveryone’sexpectations,andtheirdealwascollateralintestingwhatitfeltliketotartabout.
Shecouldn’tshiftthesensesheandJamiewerebroadcastingonmultiplefrequenciesnow,thatthingswerenolongernecessarilyaboutwhattheywereabout.Emily’sprophecieskeptoncomingtrue.
Ding-dong.
Laurie’sheartwentbangandshesatupstraight.Sheknewwhoitwasatthedoor;knew,andyetpretendedtoherselfshedidn’t.Ifitwasanyoneelse,herdismaywouldswallowher.Inthatsplitsecond,she’dlearnedsomethingaboutherself.
“It’sJamie.”
Sheslidthebolt.THANKGOD,and,OHNO.
Sheopenedthedoor.Hewasdrenched,waterrunningfromhairlinedownhisface,coatwrappedaroundhimselflikeadressinggown.Theclematisovertheporchhadasmallwaterfallpouringfromit.
“Hello,”hesaid.
“Hi.”
Ashortpause,Laurie’spulsestillthunderinginherears.
“Doyouwanttocomein?”
“It’dbebetterthanbeingouthere.”
Shestoodbackashebrushedpast,soakedenoughthatheleftawetstreakonherdress.
“Doyouwantatowelorsomething?”Lauriefollowedhimintothefrontroomtryingtokeephervoiceeven,tryingtoconcealhowjitteryshewas.
“Yeah,ifIcan?”
Laurieranupstairsandgrabbedonefromthebathroomrail.ShehandedittoJamie,whopattedhisfaceandhairineffectually.
“TakethecoatoffandI’llstickitontheradiator,”Lauriesaid,tryingnottonoticethewetwhiteshirtunderneath.
“Lovelyhouse,”hesaid,glancingaround.
“Thankyou,I’mstillpayingforit,”Lauriesaid,smiling.“Maybeinmorethanoneway.”
“ItlooksexactlyliketheoneonthatOasisalbumcover.”
“Ha.Yep.Notentirelyunintentional.MaybeIhavesomeofmyfatherinmeafterall.”
Theysmiledateachother.Laurietookthetowelbackandhelditoverherarms,asmallbarrier.Therewasanexcruciatingsilence.
“DidyouknowtheywantedcansofRedStripeonthatalbumcover,insteadoftheredwine,buttheyweren’tallowedtheproductplacement?”
Stopwittering,Laurie!Andhe’sturneduponyourdoorstep,it’sforhimtoannouncehisbusinessandfillawkwardpausesIamscaredaboutwhathe’sgoingtosay
“Ididn’tknowthat.AreyousomesortofanOasissuperfan?”
“No!Ilikedthat…decor.”
Jamiegazedatthefloor.
“I’msorrytoturnuplikethis.I’msorryIshoutedatyou.Only,I’vebeenturningitoverandoverinmyhead.Ineedtoknowwhyyoukissedthatbloke.Ican’tworkitoutatall.”
Laurietookashakybreath.
“Can’tIhavekissedhimforthereasonanyonekissessomeone,whenknee-deepincheapplonkataChristmasparty?”
“Numberone,hewasarightdozytwat.Numbertwo,ifitwastomakeyourexjealous,hewasn’twitnessingit.Numberthree,itcontravenedtheagreementwemade,soyouweretakingarisk.Numberfour,fuckingkilt.TherearefourcompellingreasonsfornotkissingAngusfromExperian.”
“…Youknowwhenyouwanttodosomethingtotallyoutofcharacter?ThefactI’dneverkisssomeonelikethatordosomethinglikethat.Thatwaswhy.Itwasspontaneousstupidity.Thatwasall.”
Jamielookedatherfromunderhisbrow,themusclesinhisjawvisiblyclenching.
“OK.Ididn’taskexactlywhatIwantedtoask.WhatIreallymeantis:Whydidyoukisshim,andnotme?ItseemstomethatifyoutakeaFakeBoyfriendtoaparty,andyou’regoingtodosomemeaninglesscoppingoff,youprobablywoulddoitwiththeFakeBoyfriend.Iknowwe’reinanunusualsituationandalawyershouldbeabletociteprecedent,andIcan’t,but,youknow…”
Lauriefoldedherarms,playactinginsouciancewhenshewasinastateofexcitedterror.
“Jamie,doyouthinkyou’resoirresistibleit’sagainstthelawsofphysicsforawomantokissanotherman,insteadofyou?”
“Objection:deviation.Iknewyou’dsaythatand,inthewordsofDistrictJudgeTomkins,it’safallaciousargument.”
ShesawthatlookagaininJamie’seyes.Thatlookofstarstruckfondnessshewantedtoseesomuchanddidn’ttrust.
“What’sAngusgot,exceptastupidkilt,thegoofytartan-wearingnationalist?”
“Itwould’vebeen…weirdtokissyou.We’refriends.”
“Friends,”herepeated.
Laurienodded.
“Whenweweredancingtogether,itfeltliketwopeoplewhoaremuchmorethanfriends.”Hepaused.“It’stheclosestI’vefelttoanyoneinmyentirelife.”
That,inanutshell,waswhatLauriefelt.
Asilencedeveloped.Lauriedidn’ttrusthervoice.
“Whenthesongfinished,yougavemethislook,thislooklikewewere…actuallyinbedtogether,orsomething,thistotalintimacythatIfelttoo,andthenyoubolted.NextIknow?ANGUS.”
Lauriesuckedinairandwishedshe’dnotlitcandlesorputPrinceon.
“Please,don’tdothis.Don’tturnoneofthebestfriendshipsI’vehadintotheshocktwistthatwesleepwitheachotherforawhile,andthenfalloutwhenoneofus,who,shocktwist,willbeyou,doesn’twanttokeepdoingitanymore.Itwouldturngoldintoscrapmetal.Idon’twanttobeyourmillionthfling.Thisisbiggerandbetterthanthat.”
“Iagreewithallofthis.”
“Thenwhatareyoudoinghere?”
“Totellyouthat…”Jamiepaused.“Idon’twanttopretendanymore.Iwanttobetogether.Somewherealongthelinethisstoppedbeingapretenseforme.”
Abeatofbloodinherears;timeseemedtoslow.Shouldshetrytostopthis?
“Whataboutwhatyousaidaboutthinkingyouwerefallinginlovewithsomeone?Whathappenedtoher?”
“InLincoln?”
“Yes.”
“Iwastalkingaboutyou.”
Laurie’sjawdropped.“No,youweren’t,becauseyousaid…”
“ImadeadickofmyselfbyblatheringabouthowI’dknowandnotthinkingyou’daskwhyandthenIhadtodothatlamemislead.Ithoughtyouguessed?!”
“No,”Lauriesaid,replayingitinherhead.Her?ShewasEve?
“TakeanythingI’vesaidaspartofthisperformanceartfrom,oh,Idon’tknow,atleastfromLincolnonward.Possiblyatfancysteakrestaurants.ImeanteverythingIsaid.IfeltwhatIfeltbeforeIknewwhatIfelt,youknowwhatImean?”
Sherememberedhowreluctanthe’dbeentotellherhowherebuffedthatgirlatHawksmoor:Idon’twanttoshareyou.He’dspookedhimselfbecauseashe’dsaidit,heknewitwastrue?
Laurielaughedinnervesandshockanddisbelief,and,yes,evenifshedidn’tadmitit,joy.“Yousaidlovewasatemporarymanicstate,likeadebilitatingpsychosis!”
“Yes,andIwaswrong.Iwasignorant,andarrogant.IthoughtbecauseI’dneverexperiencedit,itdidn’texist.It’snotbeingoutofyourmind.It’sbeinginit,it’scompletecertainty.WhenI’mwithyou,IknowI’mwhereIbelong.Iwantthistobereal,Laurie.Iwantyoutobemine.Iwanttobeyours.”
Princestartedon“IWishUHeaven”:hismusicshouldberegulatedasaClassAintoxicatingsubstance.
“And,”Jamiesaid,“Ithinkyoufeelthesameway,butyouwon’ttrustit,orme,becauseofwhoIwaswhenyoumetme.”
Lauriesuckedinabreaththatwenttothebottomofherribcage.
“It’struethatIhaven’tgotthestrengthforanotherrejection,afteryoutryoutbeingaone-womanmanandfindit’snotforyou.”
“That’snotgoingtohappen.”
“Howdoyouknowthat?”
“Ijustdo.”
“Bitrisky…”
“WhatifI’mright?”Hishairwassodarkwhenitwaswet.Lauriefeltthissortofdetailwasunhelpful,incomingtoareasoneddecision.“Theriskisn’tworthit?I’driskanythingforwhatIfeltbetweenustonight.”
“I’veonlyrecentlymendedmyself.Idon’tfeelsobrave,”shesaid,asmallwobbleinherwords.
“OK.I’llbebraveforbothofus.Kissme.Afterwardyoucantellmethatthere’snotenoughhereworthtakingachanceon,andweshouldleaveitasmates.”
“Idon’toweyouasnog,JamieCarter!”Lauriesaid,laughing.
“No,youdon’t.”
JamiemovedinandLauriealmostsprangbackwiththeshockoffinallybeingatthepointofsomethingshe’dthoughtaboutdoingsomanytimes.
“Butthatdoesn’tmeanIwanttokissyouanyless.”
Heinclinedhishead,duckeddown,andwhenhislipsmethers,hewasright:Laurieforgoteverysingleobjectionshehad.
Sheputherhandonthebackofhisheadandherarmaroundhisbodyandfinallygaveintolongingshehadnoideashecouldstillfeel—no,thatshecouldeverfeel;thiswassomethingafewleaguesaboveherandDan’smostintenseearlyyears.SheandDanhadn’tknowneachotherwhentheirlipshadfirstmet,sheandJamiewerefinallyexpressingsomethingthathadbuiltandbuilt.
Timeslowed,therainthundereddownoutside.
Afterminutesofkissingpassionately,hepulledbackslightly.
“Whydidn’twedothatagesago?”Jamiesaid,hiseyesblue-black.
“Becausewe’dhaveknownhowwefeltabouteachotherstraightaway?Thecatwould’vebeenrightoutofthebag,andwe’dhavehadtodealwiththecatparadingaround.”Lauriegrinned.“Idon’tthinkIcould’vecarriedoffkissingyoulikethatasjustacontractualobligation.”
“Yes.That’strue.”Hesmiled.
“Jamie.ThereasonIkissedAngusis…afterwedancedtogether,Icamebackintotheroom,youweretalkingtosomebeautifulgirl.That’swhatIknowbeinginlovewithyouisgoingtobelike.Liketryingtokeeprunningwaterinasieve.Iknowthis—we—arenewrightnow,soit’sexciting.Itwon’talwaysbenew.”
Jamiefrowned.“Katya?FromBarker’s?She’sgay.”
“OK.Youstillseemygreaterpoint.”
“AnhouragoIhadtophysicallydetachyoufromanotherman,andyourtakeawayisthatImightcheat?”
Laurielaughed.“Comeon,though.You’reaskingmetoacceptamajorchangeinyouroutlook,here.”
“Igetwhyyouwantguarantees,”Jamiesaid.“Icanonlymakeyouapromise.”
“Whichis?”
“Whateverhappensnext…you’remysoulmate.”41
“Ohno,fuckthat!Youdon’tgettodo:‘Wekissed,woo,wavylinesscreenfade.’Weneeddetails.”
JamiehadspentFridayandSaturdaynightsatLaurie’s,andbySunday,theyagreeditwastimeforhimtogivesomequalitytimetoMargaretthecat,soLauriewentforawalkinEtherowCountryParkwithEmilyandNadia.
Shedecidedtodropthe“IhavebeenhavingsexwithJamieCarterallweekend”bombshellwhentheywerehalfanhourin,havingsomewater.Shewasworriedthey’dspotitfromthewayshewaswalking.
Naturally,EmilyspatherEvianinahugearc.
Nadiastraightenedherclochehat.Lauriewonderedifshe’dwearitinsummer
“Wedo,weneeddetails,”Nadiaagreed.
“Itwas…good,”Lauriesaid,knowingshewasinvoluntarilydoingasmug,dazzle-eyed,farawayface.“Itwasbetterthangood.Hesaid…”
“Yes?!”Emilysaid,primedforporn.
“HesaidI’dknackeredhimoutbythetimeheleft.”
“Haha,ohmyGod!WasitfaceholdingIruvyou,orvirilemeanpounding?”
“Kindofacombination?”
“Oof.Potent.”
TheFirstOneAfterDanexperiencehadbeenastrangecombinationofquiteoverwhelmingandcompletelystraightforward.Lauriehadbuiltituptobeaseismicshiftintheuniverse,somekindofnudeSurvivorchallengewhereshe’dbemarkedoutoftenforadventurousness.Wheninfact,rollingaroundunclothedwithsomeoneelsewas,itturnedout,rollingaroundunclothedwithsomeoneelse.Itallworkedoninstinct,really.Knowingwhattodonext.Oncesherealizedshewasneitheroff-putting,norremotelyboringtohim,shewas,asJamiesaid,unstoppable.
“Helooksverynicewithouthisclothes.Hedidn’tsuggestwedoanythingathleticorfreakyorinvolvingropes,sothatwasarelief.AndhewasverygoodatitanditwasbloodyniceandI’dliketodoitagainsoon,that’sall,ARGH.”
“OK,notexactlyanexcerptfromAna?sNinbutwecanworkwiththat,”Emilysaid.“Goingforward,pleasetakemorenotes.”
Emilywas,astobeexpected,overjoyedLauriehadtakenheradvice.Exceptwithherusualratlikecunning,haddeducedLauriehaddonemorethanthat.
“You’vefallenforhim,haven’tyou?Icanseethemilk-drunkbabylook.Youtool.”
“Hesayshe’sfallenformetoo.”
“Nodoubt.Justbearinmindyou’restillrecoveringanddon’tgotoofast.NosolitairesfromBoodles.NosurprisecallstomewhileI’mawaythisChristmastoannouncerashengagements,andimpendingmadflitsdowntheaisle,becauseyougoteggnoggedupandstupid.”
“Haha!Hardly.It’sahelluvadrug,eggnog.”
WhenLaurielookedatherphonewhenshegotback,shehadatextfromDan.
I’dliketogetsomephotoscopied.Is5pmOKtocomeround?
Hah,averylate-arrivingrealization.
Laurie
Yeah,fine.
Whenheknockedonthedoor,shewasstillinherexercisegear.
“Notlikeyou?”hesaid.
“Allkindsofchanges’roundhere,”Lauriesaid.“I’vegottheboxesofphotosoutfromunderthespareroombed,taketheonesyouwant.Itrustyoutobringthemback.”
Dandartedupstairsandreappearedaftertenminutes,holdingthirty-fiveorsopictures:holidays,thehouseinitsembryonicstages,friends’weddings,beergardens.ChristmasesinCardiff.
“Fuckinghell,rememberthekitchen?ThoseIrishbuildersstraightoutofFawltyTowers?Licko’paint,licko’paint.”
Lauriesmiledthinly.
“DoyouwanttocheckwhichonesI’vegot,soyoucancountthemoutandcountthembackin?”headded.
TheysatonthesofawhileLaurieriffledthrough;andLauriemarveledathowthesemonthshadtransformedDanfromthepersonsheknewbestintheworldtothisperson,sittingashortdistanceandyetawholecontinentaway.Athoughtoccurred:thisisapretext.Ifhereallywantedpictures,he’dhavetakenthembynow.Hehassomethingelsetosay.
Shehandedthemback.Dan’seyescametorestonsomethingthrownonthefloor,downbythesofathatLauriewassittingon.ItwasoneofJamie’sshirts,removedsometimeonSaturdayafterthey’dtriedandfailedtogooutfordinneranddecidedtheypreferredstayingin.Ithadn’tbeenthesortofweekendwhereshedidmuchtidyingup.
“Oh,”Lauriesaid,gatheringitup,andstuffingthebundlenexttoher.Ithadnotbeendoneasanysortoftauntandyetitwasdifficulttothinkofawayshecould’vemadethefrenziedstateofherrelationshipclearer.
“It’sreallyonwithhim,then?”Dansaid,andswallowedhard.
Laurienodded.
“Iknowhowthismakesmesound,butIconvincedmyselfmaybeyouwerepretending,torubmyfaceinit.Thatitwasadealbetweenthetwoofyou,togethimaheadatworkandforyoutogetbackatme.”
Lauriesighed.Shehadnoreasontodissemble,nowsheandJamiewerethetruth.“Look,beinghonest,that’showitstarted.Thenwegotinvolvedforreal.”
ToLaurie’scompleteamazement,Dantearedup,thenstartedproperlyweeping.
“Iwantyoutoknowsomething.IwantyoutoknowthatIknowI’vefuckedup.EverytimeIseeyou.WhenIseeyouwithhim.It’slikebeingturnedinsideout.”
Hewipedhisface,noserunning.Lauriesat,handsinlap,slightlystunnedandmostlyaghast.
“Itwasanaffair,Laurie,youwereright.Itwasastupidself-indulgentohGod,I’mgoingtoturnfortysoonaffairbecausesheflatteredmeandcameontomeandIstartedtoletmyselfbelievetherewasthisotherlifeIshouldbehaving.Iwasboredanddissatisfiedwithmyself.ItwassomucheasiertotellmyselfIwasboredanddissatisfiedwithyou,thatyouwereholdingmeback.Thatsomeoneelsewasthefix.”
Laurienodded,staringatherhands,twistingthemtogether.
“Iwould’vetriedtocomeback,askedtocomeback.Itwasafad,aphaseandyouandIareforever.Orwewere.Andthenshe…Notshe,we.Wegotpregnant.So.”
Danlookedhollow.LauriefeltnothingbutpityforMegan.Tothevictor,thespoils.
“Whydidn’tyoutellmeonthedayyoubrokeupwithmethatyouhadfeelingsforher?Whytheliesaboutneedingyogaortofindyourselforwhatever?”Lauriesaid.
“IthoughtitwouldhurtyoulessifIleftitweeksormonthsforyoutofindoutaboutMegan.IfI’dsaid,‘RightnowIwanthermorethanyou,’itwould’vebeenthemostterriblething.”
ThiswasacategoryerrorthattoomanypeoplemadeLauriethought—thinkinguntruthsthatdidn’taddupwerebetterthanahardtruth.
“Thethingis,Dan,itwould’vebeenterriblebutIwould’vecoped.Icould’vestartedtheprocessofcopingstraightaway,insteadofhavingtoturnintoSherlockHolmes,tryingtocrackthepuzzle.It’stheliesthatkilledme.FeelingIwasn’timportantenoughorworthenoughaftertheseyearstobeletinsideyourhead,tobetoldwhatwashappening.”
Henoddedandtookashudderingbreath.
“Doyoulovehim?”
“Yes,”shesaidquietly.“It’sgrownintosomethingneitherofusexpected.”
Danmadethesortofinhalationwhenyou’retryingtostifleahiccup.
“Well,good.Iwantyoutobehappy.SeeingyoulatelyhasremindedmeofwhoIfellinlovewithbuttentimesover.Youare”—Danclearedhisthroat—“aforcetobereckonedwith.”
“I’msorryittookthistoremindyouofwhoyoufellinlovewith,”Lauriesaid.
“SoamI,”Dansaid,andshehadafeelingtheyweresorryindifferentways
“Wouldyouhavesaidanyofthisifyouweren’ttornupbymebeingwithayoungerstud?”Lauriesaid,andDansaidyesasareflexresponseandshealmostcynic-laughedasshethoughtno
Shegavehimabrieftighthuginthehallway,shutthedooronhim,slidtothefloor,cuppedherhandsoverherface,andhowled.
NotbecauseshelovedDan,orwantedhimback.She’dthoughtthiswasherultimategoal,buttherewasn’tashredofgloatingorwilltohurthimleftinher.Onlyintensesadnessthattwodecadesoftheirlifehadendedthewayitdid,thatachapterofherlife,achaptershe’dthoughtwouldbethefullstory,hadclosed.
ShehopedDanmadeMeganhappy,andshehopedhewouldbeagoodfather.Shemeantthatfromthebottomofherbruisedandbatteredheart.
Thisepiphanytookherbysuchforceshehadtopickuphermobileandmakeacall,stillsittingonfreezing-coldfloortiles.
“Emily?I’verealizedsomething.EversinceDanandIsplitup,therewassomethingIcouldn’tmakesenseof.YousaidDanandIwerehitbylightning,inBarCaVa,thatitwasfate,thatitwasaonce-in-a-lifetimechanceanditchangedeverythingforever.Iknewitwastrue,Icouldfeelinmywaterthatitwastrue,soIcouldn’treconcileitwithDanhavinggone.Well,I’vefigureditout.Ididmeettheloveofmylifethatday.Onlyitwasn’tDan.Youaretheloveofmylife.Areyoustillthere?”
“Yes,I’mcrying,yousoftshite.”
Laurie’smumhadoncesaidtoher,keepacloseeyeontheworstthingsthathappenedtoyou,theycouldturnouttobeadoorway,aroutetosomeplaceelseentirely,amapyoucouldn’tyetread.Laurie,ascynicalyouth,hadrolledhereyesatthis.UncleRay’sbrokenbonesagain.Hippietalk.
“Lookatthedisasterwithyourfather—Igotyou,”Peggyhadsaid,andLauriehadrespondedwithsulky,ungratefuldisbelief.
Well,hermotherwasright.DanielPricedecidinghewasdone?Itwasthebestthingthatcould’vehappenedtoher.42
AsthedaysbetweenthepartyandtheChristmasbreaktickeddown,Jamieremainedaspopularinthecriminaldepartmentasadrugsdoginacollegedorm;butnowhisrelationshipwithLauriewasrealerthanreal,theybegantospendmoretimetogetherintheoffice,andhewasgladlywelcomedintotheinnercirclewithBharatandDiana.
“Bharat’shilarious,isn’the?”hesaid,overanafterworkdinnerwithAmarettosoursatRudy’sPizzaontheThursdaybeforeChristmas.“Reallywitty.Wastedinmedneg,heshouldbedoingGrahamNorton’sjob.Thoughtobefair,he’sstunninglygoodatthelawyering.”
“It’shisincisivearguments,absolutelynothinggetspasthim,”Laurieagreed,wipingthedoughdustfromherhands.“HesharpenshisteethdailyonDi.HeshouldbefictionalizedinaseriesstarringAzizAnsari.”
“Iwaswondering,”Jamiesaid,“wouldyoudeclareitthenaffestthingintheworldifIchangedmyprofilepictureonFacebooktotheoneofusintheIvy?Iknowitwasaconstructandallthatatthetime,butit’sstillalovelyoneofyou.”
Laurielaughed.“Wespentforty-eighthourswitheachotherlastweekendduringwhichtimeIthinktheonlythingweworewasasmile,andyou’repolitelyinquiringifI’llfindapicturetoomuch?”
“Look,grandma,whereIcomefrom,ajointprofilephotoisabigstep,OK.Imightevencaptionitwithaheartemoticon.Thatmakesuslegallymarriedonsocialmedia.”
“Doit,”Lauriesaid.“Iamhappytobesocialmediamarriedtoyou.”Jamietinkeredwithhisphoneandhelditup.
“Idon’twantyoutothinkit’sanythingtodowithmypromotionmeetingtomorrow!”hesaid.
“Hah!I’dforgottenaboutit.”
“WouldyoubelieveitthatI’mnotthatbotheredifIgetitanymore?”Jamiesaid.
“Notreally,”Lauriesaid,makingamischievous,tongue-lolface.
“Hey,it’dstillbeamazing.Butitturnedoutthiswasn’taboutfindingthetreasure;itwasaboutthefriendsImadealongtheway.”
Thefollowingmorning,Lauriereturnedfromadecent-sizewinatcourt,checkingherwatch.Jamiewouldbeinwiththemnow.
Thiswasthefinalshitstormthey’dhavetoweather,ifhegotit—Michael,forone,wouldbeapoplectic.She’ddoit,forJamie.Shewasproudtoknowhim,too.
Bharatmetherinthedoorwayoftheiroffice,andlookedsoupsetthatLauriefearedthere’dbeenbadfamilynews.Dilookednolessconcerned.
“Whatisit?Whodied?”
“Here,look.”
Bharatswunghismousefromsidetosidetowakethescreen.
Theemail,ccallstaff,wastitled:“FYI:ItWasAllBullshitFromTheStart.”
To:all
From:jamieryancarter@gmail.com
Hi!
Asdiscussed,here’showIthoughtthearrangementmightwork.Obviouslyfeelveryfreetosayeither,no,thesearetheravingsofalunatic,orsuggestanyguidelinesofyourown.
Assaid,we’dstartnextweekend(howyoufixedtotakeaphotoinabar,earlydoorsSaturday?)andthenrunitupuntilChristmas…
“Right,”Lauriesaid,takingadeepbreath,inshockandalightsweat.“Sowhathappenedwas…”
Whosentthis?Andtoday?
Kerryputherheadaroundthedoor.
“Laurie,Mr.Salterwantstoseeyou.Thisminute,please.”
Lauriehard-gulpedandfollowedheracrossthelanding,pasttheliftstohisoffice.AftersheknockedandwastoldENTER,shesawthatJamiewasalreadystandingthere.Hegaveherthemerestglanceandlookedawayagain.
“Hello,Ms.Watkinson,”Saltersaid.“Sitplease.AnemailchainhasbeenbroughttomyattentionbetweenyourselfandMr.Carterthatsuggeststhatthepairofyouhavebeenpretendingaromanticliaisonforeffect,isthatcorrect?”
“Yes,”Lauriesaid.Shedidn’tthinklyingwasaremotelygoodideaatthispoint,andevenifshedid,she’dhadnotimetothinkofany.
“Canyouexplaintome,whyyoudidthis?”
“I…”LauriethrewalookatJamieandSalterbellowed,“DON’TLOOKATHIMPLEASE,IAMASKINGYOU!”makingLauriejumpoutofherskin.She’dneverseenhimthisangry.
“I’dbeenleftbyDanPrice,foranotherwoman,whohe’dgotpregnant.Iwasinthesituationofstillhavingtoworkwithhimhere.Iwantedtomakehimjealous,togetmyownback.”
Itsoundedastawdryandridiculousasitwas,repeatedinthisroom.
“WhywasMr.Cartermovedtohelpyou?”
“He…”God,shecouldn’tthinkofhowtocoverthisup.“Hewantedtoapplyforapromotionandfeltitwouldbetterhischancesifyouthoughthehadagirlfriend.”
LauriereallyhopedJamiehadalreadycomeclean.Itwashisonlyhope.
“Thefactyouworkinlaw,andthiswasadeception.Thatgaveyounoqualms?”
Lauriethoughtheronlywaytosurvivewasself-laceratinghonesty.
“Itoldmyselfthatitwasmyprivatelife,nothingtodowithmyworkandthereforehadnobearingonmyjob.IamprettyappalledandashamedatthisnowIstandbackandlookatitfromadistance,butthebreakuphadputmeinahyperstate,Ithink.Iwasn’teatingandIwasn’tsleepingmucheither.Iwasconsumedbythepainofwhathadhappened.”
“YetyouknewMr.Carterwasdoingitforprofessionaladvantage?”
“Yes.”
“Idon’tthinkthehygieneofthisbeingpersonalandnotprofessionalexistedquiteinthewayyouthinkitdoes.IfyouwereinvolvedinMr.Carter’spretenses,andyouknewhewantedtobemadepartnerasaresult,youareanaccessorytowhathewasdoing.Areyounot?”
“Yes.”
Aheavysilence.
“Mr.Salter.IhavenoideaifIammakingthingsbetterorworsebysayingthis,butIdon’twanttobeinvolvedinanymorelies—”
“Aratherlate-arrivingfitofconscience,”hespat.Shewasgoingtobesacked.Surely.
“JamieandIaretogether.Webecameinvolvedforreal,someweeksback.”
“You’reinarelationshipnow?”
Lauriesaid“Yes”attheexactsametimethatJamiesaid“No.”
Thiswasthefirsthe’dspoken.LauriestaredinshockatJamie.
“Whichisit?”Mr.Saltersaid.
“We’renot,”Jamiesaidfirmly,glancingatLaurie.“Wehad…crossedalineortwoforauthenticity’ssake,gotabitcarriedaway.Butwecertainlyaren’ttogether.”
JamiebarelymetLaurie’seyes,sethisjaw,andstaredstraightahead.
Mr.Saltersawallofthis,sherealized,assheturnedbackandhisrheumygazecametorestonLaurie.
“Allright,I’veheardenough,Ms.Watkinson.Ifeelseverelyletdownbyyou,andbythis.Wehadspokeninthisoffice,ontrust,whichIbelievedwasmutual.Considerthisaverbalwarningandifyoudoanythingtopissmeoffintheforeseeablefuture,Imightskipthewrittenstage.Closethedooronyourwayout.”
LauriewasdesperatetospeaktoJamie,tofindoutwhathadhappened,andshedidn’thavetowaitlong.
AjuniorfromthecriminaldepartmentcalledMattappearedinthedoorwayandsaidbreathlessly:“JamieCarter’sbeensacked.Immediateeffect.”
Laurie,Bharat,andDialmostcomicallyscrambledtogetpastoneanotherandouttoseewhatwashappening.
ARomanamphitheaterofspectatorshadgatheredonthesecondfloorasJamieexitedthecriminaloffice,holdingabriefcase,hiscoat,andtheumbrellathatLaurieoncerememberedhimjammingliftdoorswith.
Averysad-facedMick,thesecurityguard,wasguidingJamietowardthestairs.Lauriemadetogoafterhim.
“Iwouldn’tfollowhimout,”Michaelsaid,armsfolded,“ortheymightjustlockthedoorafteryou.Youdon’twantanymoreofhisreputationsmearedoveryou.”
“He’smyboyfriend,soI’llseehimout,thanks,”Lauriesaid,toanaudible“ooh!”fromthecrowd,presumablybothatthedeclarationandtheinsubordination.SheglimpsedDan,lookingpigsickattheback.Atleastherhonestywithhimhadstoppedthisbeinganygotcha.
“Youcanstoptheshownow,we’veallseentheemail,”Kerrysnapped.
Laurieturned.
“Youknowwhat,Icouldn’tcarelesswhatyoudoordon’tthink,Kerry.You’renotthepolicewomanofmyprivatelife.Oranyoneelse’shereforthatmatter.”
“CanIgetanamen!”Bharatshouted,fromthebackofthecrowd,andincredibly,areasonablyhearty“AMEN”wentup.Kerryscowled,lookinggreenasaparrot.
LauriewalkeddownthestairswithJamieandoutthroughthelobby,Mickholdingthedoorforthem,beckoningforJamietohandoverhissecuritypassandpullingthedoorshutbehindthem.
Oncetheywereoutsideinthestreet,Jamieturnedandsaid:“Ihatetosayit,butMichael’sright.Gobackin,now.Salter’stemper’sonahairtrigger.Ifhehearsyou’reoutherewithme,youcouldgetsackedtoo.”
“Ican’tbelievetheysackedyouandnotme?!”Lauriesaid.
“Laurie,nowI’mgone,blamethewholeideaofthephonyrelationshiponme,”Jamiesaid.“WhenSalter’scalmeddown,hewon’twanttofalloutwithhisbestdefenselawyer.”
“Butthisisunfair!Andprobablyillegal,gettingridofyoubutnotmeforthesameoffense.”
“Hah.Theyknoweveryloopholeandcansafelygetridofanyone.I’vestruckadealwheretheysayitwasmydecisionandIgetsomegardeningleave.Wordwillget’round,ofcourse,soIhavetobequickerthanthewordbeforethepayrunsout.HeknowsIcouldn’tstay,Laurie,notwhentheyloatheme.Itwasuntenable.”Hepaused.“Theydidn’tonlysackmeforourrelationship.”
“Whatthen?”
Hedidn’tspeakforafewseconds.“TheythinkIwasinvolvedwithEve.”
“Yousaid…youdidn’t…?”Lauriesaid,andtrailedoff.Oh,no.
“Yeah,Iwasn’t.ButIhaven’ttoldyouthewholestoryofthatnight.”
Laurieswallowedhard.“OK.”
“Itwasdinner,nothingmore.ButEvehadbookedaroomatthehotel.ShemadeaplayformeattheendoftheeveningandIsaidno,stakesaretoohighhere,thanks.Shewasnotimpressed.Shehadapoint.Ishouldn’thavebeenseeingheroutofhours.Itwasmixedmessagesanditwasundignifiedtohavetoputherstraight.Forbothofus.”
“Right…”
“ItoldyouIwasnetworking,butquitespecifically,IwantedtoknowifSalterwasthinkingofretiring.Ithoughtshemighthaveinformation,asfamily,that’dhelpmewiththetimingofmypitchforpartner.Shortversion,Iusedher.She’swhipsmart.Shefiguredthatout.”
Jamiecontinued:“Thenthephotosofyouandmestartedgoingup,andEvegotintouchandsaid,‘Iseewhatyou’redoing,andIknowwhatwassaidinyourpromotionmeeting’—she’dfishedwithheruncle.Shesaid,‘You’reusinganotherwomantogetahead.’Itoldheryouwerehappilyinonitbutshedidn’tbelieveme.Thissoundsstrange,butshedidn’twantyoutofeelusedinthesamewaythatshehaddone.ShethoughtIwasplayingyouandwantedtofindawaytomakeyouseesense—she’dclearlyworkedoutthatifshesaidanythingtoyoudirectly,she’dsoundjealous.”
Thetext,inLincoln,thatLauriewasn’tallowedtosee.
“Whatwasthelunchtimevisitabout?”
“Tounsettleme,anditworked.Morepertinently,togiveMichaelmyphonepasscode.Sheaskedmetofindsomethingonmyphone,momentsafteryou’dgoneupstairs,andsheleanedrightinasIdidit.IthinkMichaelreachedouttohertoseeifwe’dslepttogether;theydiscoveredacommoncause.Shehadtheideaofunmaskingmeto‘save’youandMichaelprobablylaiditonthickabouthowvulnerableyouwere.ButMichaelprobablyspottedthat,tobeabsolutelysureIgottheheaveoverboard,sheneededtotellheruncleIhadform.”
Theystoodinsilenceforamoment.Lauriefeltnumb.
“HowdidMichaelgetyourphone?”
“Ileaveitonmydeskplenty.It’slocked,soIdon’tthinkanythingofit.Iguesshe’dhavegonein,searchedforyournameforincriminatingmaterial,andbingo.There’snootheremailsbetweenus.”
Laurieabsorbedthis.“Hesentitglobal,formaximumdamage.”
“Ohyes.Noone’saskedhowhegotholdofit,fromwhatIcantell.Fuckthisplace,it’sacliqueandit’srotten.I’mgladtogo.”
“ButIshouldstay?”
Jamielookeddiscomfited.“Unlessyouhaveanyotherironsinthefire.Thebossesloveyou.”
“Correction.Theyusedto.”
She’dbeenindenial,butthiswasit.Jamiewasoff,intothehorizon,andLaurie’sstandingatherworkplacewasirreparablysoiled.MuchasshehatedDanandMichael’sintervention,theirpremonitionshadcometopass.
“Didyousplitupwithmeinthere,whenSalteraskeduspointblank?”
“No.IknewIwasfuckedandIthoughtanymoreideafromSalterthatwewereacouple,andyouwouldbetoo.”
“Whatifhe’dnotsackedyou?Howwouldwehavemanagedthat?Westartkeepingarealromancesecret?”
Jamieshrugged.“Isupposeso?”
“Or,or.Youwould’vesplitupwithmetokeepthemhappy?”
Thisfelteminentlypossible,despiteeverything.ShebelievedinJamie’sfeelingsforherbutshe’dneverseenasecond’sself-sacrificeregardshiscareer,foranyone.Allthistimeworryingaboutanotherwomancomingbetweenhim,butwashisjobthethingshecouldnevercompetewith?
“No,”Jamiesaid,frowning.“Ineverwantedthepromotionthatmuch.Wow.”
“Yousure?Itseemstobeallthat’sdrivenyousinceI’veknownyou.”
“I’vechangedsinceI’veknownyou.”
Peopledon’tchange.Dothey?
Lauriecouldn’tletthisgo.
“Itwasprettymortifying,mesayingyeswhenyousaidno.”
“Well,sorry.Itdidn’tmeananything.”
“Ifyou’vechanged,whystilllie?Whynotsay,hey,Mr.Salter,yeah,Ishouldn’thavedoneitbutnowhereisthesituationand,yes,IamwithLaurie.”
“Thetruthwasn’twhatwasneeded,here,orwhatwasgoingtohelp.”Heclenchedhisjawandjuttedhischinslightlyandtheywereclearlyskirtingtheterritoryoftheirfirstbigfight.Orthelastone?
“Jamie,thetruthissometimesofvalueinitself.Notworkingoutwhatit’llgetyou.”
“Oh,Laurie,ofallthetimestogoall‘inspirationalmemeoverasunset’onme.”Jamiesmiledweakly,anditfeltsomuchlikeDan’sbrush-offsthatherhairstoodonend.
“Ofallthetimesforyoutogolyingtriangulatinglawyerbastardonme!”shesnapped.
“ThisisthewaytheworldIS,Laurie!”Jamie’stemperbroke.“Iknowyou’rehonestanddecentandIloveyouforit,butthisishowitactuallyworks.It’sshitandcruelandunjustandyoudowhatyouneedtodotosurvive.Ilearnedthatyoung.Sodidyou.”
“Don’tdothat,don’ttrytomakemefeelbadforbeingupsetaboutthis.”
“Whatexactlyareyouangrywithmefor,here,please?Notstandingtherepledgingmyundyingdevotiontoyou,tosomeonewho’dsackusbothforit?”
“Ah…”Laurieturnedhereyestothesky.“Rightnow?Everything.FornottellingmeaboutEve,sothisambushedme.”
“Yeah,sorry.”Jamieadjustedtheweightofhisbriefcase.“I’dhopedIwouldn’thaveto.Thereitis.”
Shedidn’tfeelmuchapologycomingfromhim,however.
“HowwillyougetanotherjobinManchester?Withtherulesonpracticingelsewhere?”Lauriesaid.
“Idon’tknow,Imighthavetolookatothercities.”
“London?”Lauriesaid.Jamiedidadoubletake.“Uhmyeah,maybe,Idon’tknow?Therearealotoflawfirmsthere.Givemeasecond,givenIjustgotsackedfiveminutesago?”
“That’susdonethen,isn’tit?”
“Isit?There’sthisthingcalledatrain…”
“RememberwhatMichaelandDansaid?Thatyou’dlietome,thatyou’dleavemyprofessionalstandingintatterswhenyoumovedontopasturesnew?Nopartofthatpredictionwasinfactwrong,wasit?”
“What?You’reagreeingwiththeirviewofme?That’sprettydisloyalandweak.”
Hegloweredindisgust,nosewrinkled.She’dneverfeltthisdefensivehostilityfromhimbefore.Shehadtocomeoutfighting,tostopitfrighteningher.Attackasaformofdefense.
“I’vebeendisloyalandweak?!Youmanipulatinganotherwomanhasbroughtthewholehouseofcardscrashingdownonbothofus,butI’msupposedtocarryonthinkingyouwon’ttreatmebadly,becauseyou’vechangedorit’sdifferentwithme?Allthoselinesthathavebeenusedbybadmensincethedawnoftime.”
“‘Badman’!Stopactinglikethiswasallmyidea,somethingI’vetrickedyouintoformynefariousends.Webothdiditbecausewebothwantedsomethingfromit.Sorryitwentwrong,butthenI’mtheonewholostmyjob.”
“Itwasyouridea.”
Jamierolledhiseyesingenuinecontempt.“Nice.Sounderpressure,Itriedtothinkaboutwhat’sbestforbothofus.Youreverttoshitoldstereotypesofme,startinsinuatingI’musingyou.Thisishowdeepitruns,yourgoodopinionofme.”
“DidyousleepwithEve?”
“Youhonestlyhavetoaskmethat,whenIjustsaidIdidn’t?”
“Yes.It’stheonethingyou’vebeenaccusedofthatisn’ttrue,accordingtoyou.It’ssomethingofananomaly.”
“Itdoesn’tsoundlikeyou’regoingtobelieveme,whateverIsay.”
Laurie’schesthurt.Itwasoneofthoseraretimeswhenyoucanfeelsomethingbeingtorndown,thesomethingintangiblethatexistsbetweenyou.
AmomentwhistledbetweentheminthefrostbittenManchesterwind.Itwasoneofthosemomentsthatdecidedhoweverythingwasgoingtobeafterward.
“I’mnotsureIknowwhoyouare,”Lauriesaidsimply.Persuademe,shethought.Talkmearound.Please.Shedidn’twanttopushthishardbutshehadto,orshewouldn’ttrusthimfromnowon.
“Inthatcase,you’renotwhoIthoughtyouwereeither,”Jamiesaid.
ChatteringpeoplespilledoutofthedoorsbehindthemandJamiegaveheraweary,hardglance,adjustedhisbriefcaseagain,andturned,walkedoff.Lauriesuckedinairandletitoutandsaid“oh”toherself.Shethoughthe’dfightharder.Apparentlynot.
Asshetrodbackupthestairs,emptyasahusk,Michaelwasstandingatthetop,janglingchangeinhispocket.
“Ididtrytowarnyou.Wetriedtoprotectyoufromhim,butyouwouldn’thaveit.”
“Getbent,Michael,”shesaid.
“Letmeguess,he’sannouncedthatyou’renottogetherasof’roundaboutnow?Giventhathehasnoneedforyouanymore?”
“Incorrect,sorry.”
He’dheareventually,butnowaywassheaddingtohisjubilationthisafternoon.
“Oh,right.Ilookforwardtotheannouncementofyourwedding,atwhichpointIwillbikenakedaroundPiccadillyGardenssinging‘LifeIsaRollercoaster.’”
“Getyourselfsomesaddlerubin,then.”
“Haha!Goodone.Don’tcryoverhim,darling—he’snot,andhasneverbeen,worthit.”
“IwishIwasasinterestedinyourlifeasyouareinmine.”
“SodoI,”Michaelsaid,asaverysudden,spikywayofdeclaringhimselfaNoScoreDrawsensation.Lauriesaidnothing,marchingpast,leavinghimstanding,startled,byhimself.
“Bharat,Di,”Lauriesaid,backatherdesk,“I’msosorryIliedtoyou.Ithadtobeastrictpolicyoftellingnooneoritwouldn’thaveworked.Iwastellingthetruthlateron;JamieandIdidenduptogetherforreal.”
“Oh,darling,Idon’tcare,Ithinkit’sgenius!”Bharatsaid.“Sobloodycool.You’remywifefromanotherlife.AndthatJerryMaguireshityoujustpulledwasBALLSYASFUCK.”
Lauriefloppedintoherchair.AtleastsheonlyhadMondayandthemorningofChristmasEvetogetthroughbeforetheofficeclosedatlunchtimefortendaysforChristmas,andshe’dnothavetoseeanyoftherestofhercolleaguesuntiltheNewYear.
Shehadn’tbeguntomentallypickthroughthewreckageofwhathappenedwithJamie.
Howhaditallgonewrongsofast?
Bharatleanedoverandpattedherhand.“Don’tsweatit,Lozza.Somedaysyou’rethedog,andotherdaysyou’rethebone.”43
“Lobstertacos,”Emilysaid,studyingthemenuandspeakingoveraremixofEdSheeran.“Lobstertacos.Sometimesyoufeelwe’vestrayedfarfromGod’slight,don’tyou?Whywouldyouputlobsterinataco?”Sheglancedaroundher.“Also,makingclubversionsofEdSheeranislikeputtingmydadincargoshorts.”
Theywereinabar-nightclub-restaurantthat,asper,Emilyhadnominated.TherewasneonsquigglywritingabovethemdeclaringIFTHEMUSICISTOOLOUDYOUARETOOOLDandbrightleatherbanquettesandaframedMarilynMonroeWarhol,andthekindof“graffitiisavalidartform”muralsthatlookedasifthey’dlettroubledteenagersdesignaspartofacommunityrehabilitationproject.Emilyhadproposedalastmeetup,tocelebrateMondaybeingChristmasEveEve,withthecaveat:“Nofuckingwalkinginvolvedlikelasttime,don’teventry.”
“Iammoreupsetat‘LilChickBurgers’and‘LilHotLinks,’”Lauriesaid.“Iwouldratherforgosausagesthanaskfor‘LilHotLinks,’andIdon’tforgosausagelightly.”
“We’reontotheJamiesituationalready!”Emilysaid.
“Harhar,”Lauriesaid,rollinghereyes,withthetense,clenched-upfeelingshegotwhenthinkingabouthim.
He’dnotcontactedhersincethefight,sothatwasclearlythat.Itconfirmedhersuspicionsthathewouldnowlaserfocusonreemployment,probablyinthecapital.She’dnotcontactedhimeither,ofcourse,sothiswashypocritical.Butwhatwouldshesay?
Shehadn’tthoughtshe’dbeanotherscornedwomanleftinJamieCarter’swake,butequally,noscornedwomenleftinhiswakethoughtthatwaswhothey’dbecome.Thatwashowithappened.
Whowashe,intheend?Hadhebeentotallyhimselfinthedark,whentheywerealone?Themanwhoworeglassesanddidn’tneedglasses,whocouldbesogenerousandopenandthensocoldandhardinthatmomentoutsidetheoffice.
ButmostlyLauriehadbeenstudiouslynotthinkingaboutJamie.Doubtlingered,butdoubtonlycausedmoretrauma.Bettertoforciblybanishdoubt,andgetonwiththerestofherlife.
LaurieexplainedthesituationwithJamie,asmuchasshecould.ReferringbacktoLiverpool,andtoherdoubtsoverEve.“Iwasatthe‘quackslikeaduck,walkslikeaduck’point,”Lauriesaid,sippingherwine.“He’saduck.I’mOK,though.It’sOK.”
Shewasn’tOK,obviously,butEmilywasagoodenoughfriendtoknowthatitmeantLauriewantedtobetreatedasOK
“Youthinkhedidsleepwiththisboss’sniece?Imean,shewasclearlypissedatbeingusedbyhim,todowhatshedid?”EmilysaidandLauriewincedanew.
“…Idon’tknow.Maybe?”Sheplayeditasnotcaringmuch,whileitturnedherintestinesintoareefknot.
“Mmm.”Emilytappedherpaperstrawagainsthermouththoughtfully.“Although,although…”
“OhGod,what!”Lauriesaid.
“No,Ithinkyoudidtherightthing.Onestrike,out.It’sjust…”
“What?”
“It’snotmutuallyexclusive,isit?Hecouldhavebeenapersonwhodidthosethings,andthenfallenforyouforreallater?Idon’tknow.”
Laurieshookherhead.
“It’slikeyousaid.Thisisn’twhatIneed.Also,noonecanchangeanyone’scharacter.Noloveofagoodwomancanfixabadman.It’syouwhotoldmethis!”
Despitesayingthis,Lauriecouldn’tacceptJamiewasabadman,notyet.Butthatwasduetoattachmenthormonesstillswirlingthroughthebody.Sheimaginedthatfinalrealizationwouldarrivewithajolt,whenataleofhismisdeedsgotfilteredbacktoherviatheusualchannelsatSalter’s.LikereconcilingherselftoDanandhisaffair:yourmindhastostarttheprocess,andyourheartwillfollow.
“Iknow,Iknow.It’sashamebutatleastyougotasensationalrumpingoutofit.Bytheway,warning,NadiamaybewhatIbelieveshecalls‘ornery,’”Emilysaid.“She’sbeenthrownoutofhersister’sbookgroup.Ah,heresheisnow.”
“Why?”Lauriesaidunderherbreath.
“BecauseNadiaistheepitomeofherself.”Emilyraisedhervoice.“Lauriewantstoknowwhyyougotbannedfromthebookgroup?”
Nadiawasinherusualclochehat,todayapleasingsalmonshade.
“Firstly,IrejectedthecentraltenetsofEat,Pray,Love,”Nadiasaid,asEmilypushedaglassofwinetowardher,andNadiawriggledherdufflecoatoff.“ThenwewererequiredtoproduceGratitudeListstodiscusswhatwewerethankfulfor.”
“Oh,really?”Emilysaid,swingingaandhowdidthatgolookatLaurie,whotriednottolaugh.
“IsaidIwasnotgratefulformylife,Ihadworkedforit,andmysister’sfriendAmysaidIwas‘toocentered’inmyownprivilege,andItoldhertofuckoffandthenmysistersaidIhadtogo.”
“Wewon’taskyoutobegratefulforanythingthisevening,Nads,”Emilysaid,handingthemenuover.“Notevenlobstertacos.CanItellheryourlatestnews?”ShelookedtoLaurie.
“Knockyourselfout,”Lauriesaid.
“She’snolongerwiththehotladshewaspretendingtodate.Itturnsoutthatmessingwomenaroundandthensayinghehadn’twaskindofhisthing—hegotsackedforit.”EmilygaveLauriea“fair?”questioninglookandLaurienodded.
“Ugh,”Nadiasaid.“I’msorry.ImeanIamsorryforanypain.Whilenotbeingsorryyougavehimhismarchingorders,ifheisashit.”
“Thankyou,”Lauriesaid.“I’mnotinpain.Well,I’minsomepainoverit,butIknowthatitwillpassandI’llfeelhappieragain,atsomepoint.Thatwilldofornow.”
“Likethatpoem‘tothegirlcryinginthenexttoiletstall.’ListenIloveyou,joyiscoming,”Emilysaid.
“Yes.Joyiscoming.Ifmaybenothere,”Lauriesaid,glancingaround.Itwasthekindofposeur’sbearpitthatwould’vescaredLaurie,pre-Dan’sbombshell,butnotnow.HerflingwithJamiehadgivenherthatconfidenceback,atleast.SighWhowouldevermeasureupto…STOPPIT.
“CanIproposeatoast,”Lauriesaid.“Towhathappinesslooksliketous.”
“Yes,”Emilysaid,pickingherglassupsofastshespilledsome.“Todecidingwhatourhappinessis,andbeinghappythatway.Ratherthanhavingsomebunchofbastardstelluswhatitis.”
Theyclinkedglassesanddrank.
“Areyougirlsreadytoorder?”saidawaiterwithagoatee,appearingattheirsidewithatouchscreenpad.“Needmetoexplainanything?”
“We’renotgirls,”Nadiasaid.“Soyoucanexplainyourmodeofaddress.”
“Hey,y’alllookprettyyoungtome,”hesaid,chewinggumandgrinninginwhathethoughtwasaflirtilywinningmanner.
Emilysaid:“Oh,youdearsweetfool,shewillnowverballydecapitateyou.”
Lauriefeltitwasapoorlyadvertisedpartofkittenowningthattheywereabsolutesoddinghooligans.Ifhernewtwelve-week-oldblacklonghairmixbreedwithwhitewhiskers,ColinFur,wasinthemagistratescourt,Lauriewouldbeadvisingtheshort,sharpshockofacustodialsentenceforsure.
“Onlylanguageheunderstands,sadly,”she’dtellthebench,whileremovinganothershreddedpairofWolfordtightsfromthelittlebeggar’sjaws.
She’dimpulsivelypickedhimupfromtheanimalshelteratlunchtime,onherwayhomefromwork,ChristmasEveofalldays,thinkinghowniceitwouldbetohaveatinyfriendaroundonhersoloChristmasDay.ShewasnowrealizingitwouldmeanspendingthewholetimeextractingsaidtinyfriendfromreenactingTouchingtheVoidonthecurtainrails.
Lauriewasn’tdauntedbyChristmasDayalone,notonebit.Shewasgoingtodressup,onlyforherself,makeagiantlunch,onlyforherself,andsharesomesmokedsalmonwithColinFur.Findingoutshecouldmanageonherownwasgreat.
Shedidn’tmindthetimeoffworkeither.Ithadbeenwildlately.AfterJamie’ssackingonFriday,Mondayhadfeltlikeapeculiarlimboperiodwhereshehadnoideawhatherstatuswas.Intheend,shetooktheinitiativeandaskedtoseeMr.Salter,lateonMondayafternoon.Hesaidyes,heandMr.Rowsonwouldseeher,suggestinganunprecedentedboth-partnerbollockingdesignedtostrikefearintoherheart.
Lauriewentinwitharmor,however.Sheknewhowstrongshewas.She’dlostDan,andcoped;she’dlostJamie,andcoped.She’ddrawnafinallinewithherdad,andcoped.Andifshelostherjob,she’dcope.
Somuchofherlifehadbeenaboutbeingscaredofnotbeingwantedbypeople.Ifthenewswasthatthislawfirmnolongerwantedher,wellfine.Plentyofotherswould.
She’dspokenhonestlyaboutthemannerofDan’sleaving,thedevastationshe’dbeenin,andhowseriouslyshetookherresponsibilities.
“Inconclusion,Ibadlyregretthe‘relationship’”—shemadeairquotemarks.Shestillcouldn’tbelievethewayithadbeenfake,real,thenfakeagain—“withJamieCarter,butIwasnotmyusualorbestselfwhenImadethatdecision.Givenhedidn’tgetthepartnershipandhasleft,itseemssensibletoputitbehindus.IfeelasifI’monthebackfootnow.Ilikeworkinghereandwilllookelsewhereforemploymentifyouthinkit’snecessary,butI’dratherstay.”
SalterandRowsonboggledatherconfidence.
“Wedon’twantyoutoleave,Ms.Watkinson,”Saltersaid,thoughfromRowson’sexpressionshethoughthemight’veconsideredit.“Iwouldliketoknowthis,however.WhywereyouhelpingJamieCartertoapartnership,ratherthanapplyingforityourself?”
“Oh…”Lauriewasstunned.“IsupposeI’mcontentdoingwhatIam.Ididn’tthinkIwaspartnermaterial,tobehonest.”
“That’sashame,asIwouldlikeyoutoapplyforitintheNewYear,”Mr.Saltersaid.“Iwasthinkingofaskingyoutoputyourselfforwardanyway.Thesangfroidwithwhichyou’vedealtwiththis,despiteyourmistakes,hasconvincedme.Wedon’tonlydivinecharacterinhowpeoplehandlewins.Youseemoreinthedisasters.”
Ain’tthatthetruth.
“Oh…OK.”Shewasgettingapromotionoutofthis?!“Thankyou.”Shepaused,andblurted:“Youthinkthecriminaldepartmentladswillcopewithafemaleboss?”
“No,”saidMr.Salter,andtheysharedanunexpectedboutofconspiratoriallaughter.
Laurie’sphonewentoffwithanunrecognizedmobilenumberonChristmasEveafternoonand,despiteherconvictionthatthosewerealwaysbesttoleavetoringout,shepickedup.
“Hello,sweetie!It’sHattie!Jamie’sbestmate.WemetatEric’ssixty-fifth.InLincoln.Iwasdrunk.Imadeyouingestplumvodka.”
“Oh,hi!”Lauriesaid,smilingatthenumberofdescriptorsHattiefeltnecessarytoidentifyheramongalltheHattiesthatLauriehadmetatsixty-fifthbirthdaysinLincolnrecently.
“Iwillgettothepointasyouprobablyhavepresentstowrapandshit.Iknoweverything—Jamietoldme.AndImeaneverything.Well,Idon’tknoweverything,likenothowmanypositionsinanight.”
Laurielaugheddespiteherself.
“Iknowaboutthedealyoutwomade.I’veknownforawhile.”
“DidyouknowbeforeLincoln?!”
“…Yeah.Dreadsecret.OnlyatthelastminuteafterI’dblabbedtohisparentsthatIknewhewasseeingyou.JamiesaidIhadtostopgettingtheirhopesupandexplainedwhy.”
Hah,he’dtoldhisbestfriendtoo.Wait—sowhenHattiesaidJamiewasbesotted,itwasn’tbasedonanyfibsthey’dtold?
“YouaskedmeifIwasinlovewithhim?!”
“Ha.Jamiesaidyouweresharp!Howdoyourememberthat?Iwasbladdered!YouweremorelikeacouplethananyoneelseinthatroomandIcouldn’tresiststirring.”
“Hah,”Lauriesaid,buttheatmosphereofthatnightwasnowroaringbackinhermemory.
“FromthewayhewastalkingaboutyouconstantlyIthoughtitmustbemorecomplicatedthanhewassaying,andthenIsawyoubothtogether,andIknewforsure.”
“Right.”
“Iknowwhyhelosthisjob.”
“Yeah.NotbeenafewweeksI’llforgetinahurry!”Lauriesaidwithfakejollity.
“Yourdecisionsareyourdecisions,foryourreasons,butifitwasbecauseyouthoughtJamiewassomelyingmanipulator,IwantyoutoknowthatJamiereally,reallylovesyou.I’veknownhimsinceweweresmall,and,yes,he’sbrokensomeheartsbutonlyinthewayanyoneasbeautifulashimdoes;he’snotnasty.It’sbeyondunfortunatethatPastHimbithimonhisarsewhenitdid.Forwhatit’sworth,hetoldmeabouttheEvethingatthetime.Hetoldmethesamethinghetoldyou:heknockedherback.And,Laurie,look:hehadnoreasontolietome.”
“Thisisreallykindofyou,andyou’reagreatmatetohim,”Lauriesaid.“IthinkJamieandIarejustnotmeanttobe.”
Thiswassaidoffthetopofherhead,givenLauriewasn’totherwiseoneforfateandmysticalcatechisms.
“Fuck‘meanttobe’!”Hattiesaidheartily.“‘Meanttobe’istoopassiveinacrisis.He’stalkingaboutmovingtoLondon.Iknowhe’dstayinManchesterifhethoughtyouwantedhim.Partofthereasonhe’sgoingistoavoidseeingyouaround.Hesaidit’snotevenaboutseeingyouwithothermen,justthatsimplyseeingyouwouldhurttoomuch.”
“Hesaidthat,didhe,”Lauriesaidwithadoubtfultone.
“Yes,hedid.”But,saidthatlittlevoice,he’dhardlytellhisbestgalpalhewasuptonogood
“He’sright,heprobablyneedstogo,”Lauriesaid.Atleastshe’dbesparedseeinghimdrapedoversomeoneinthattikibar.
“Laurie,seriously,Iamgoingtobackmyclaimsup.I’mgoingtoshowreceipts.HeandIalwaysstayintouchoveremail.MassivelongGmailsaboutallsortsofthingsyouknow,andit’squitepersonal.Thingswewouldn’ttellanyoneelse.”
“…OK?”
“HesentmeonetheSundayafteryougottogether.Letmereadittoyou…”
“Hattie…”Lauriesaid,butsheobviouslywasn’tgoingtobediverted.
“Hats,bignews:IfinallytoldLauriehowIfeel.Iwasabsolutelybrickingit,butseeingherwithanotherman,briefly(explainanothertime)(God,Iamstillfuming;Iknewthatbeefybetamopewasgoingtocrackontoherfromthestart),putmeintothekindofstatewhereamanlistenstoNickCavealbumsattopvolumeandsmashesbackbottlesofwhisky,whileprimitiveroaring.Itspurredmeintoaction,andIturneduponherdoorstepatmidnightanddeclaredmyself.Shesaidshefeltthesameway,butunderstandablywasverywaryofmeafterthetimesI’dbraggedaboutbeingdiscountErrolFlynn.
“This,despitethefactIwasaquiveringmessatthesightofherbrastrap,orhadbeentryingtoholdherhandallthetime,likewewerefifteen.Itdidn’tapparentlyclueherintothefactIhadn’tbeenthatpersonsincealmostthemomentwemet.Shehasnoegointhatwaywhatsoever,Idon’tthink.Sothat’ssomethingIcandefinitelybringtoourrelationship,haha!
“We’resosimilar,Hats.That’sthewonderful,strange,incrediblethingthatwewouldneverhavefoundout,ifitweren’tforSalter&RowsonsolicitorsoffDeansgatebeingskinflintsinbuildingmaintenance.WehelpeachotherinawaythatIdidn’tknowwaspossible.We’realittlewayofftheheavierconversationsregardsmarriageandkidsbutthere’sprettymuchnothingIwouldn’tfeelIcouldtackleifwedidittogether.Ikeepthinking:ifI’dnevermether,howdifferentthingswouldbe.IscoffedattheideaanyonecouldmakeyouseeyourlifethroughneweyesandI’mso,sogladtobewrong.
“Anyway,sorryfortheheatedprose.Atleastyou’resparedhearingthesexwasamazing,eh!(Thesexwasamazing.)(Iknowhowterribleandjuvenilethissounds,butIdidn’tknowwhatitcouldbelikewithsomeoneyou’reactuallyinlovewith.)
“She’ssogorgeous,Igetslightlyoutofbreaththinkingabouther.Ican’twaittobringLauriebacktoLincolnandforyouandPadraigtomeetherproperly.IwanteveryonetoloveherasmuchasIdo,thoughMumandDadaretherealreadyIthink.
“Hey,how’stheinfection,diditclearup?
“Wait,discountthatlastpart,thatwasn’tdirectlyrelevantcontent,”Hattiesaid.
TearsstreameddownLaurie’sfaceasColinFurletgoagutturalhowlfromsomewhereaboveherhead.
“Didyou…wail?”Hattiesaidhesitantly.
“No,thatwasthekitten.”
“Jamie’sgettingthefourp.m.traintoLincoln,sohe’llbeatPiccadillyinhalfanhour,”Hattiesaid.“I’lljustleavethatthere.”44
Whereishe—whereishe—whereishe?
LauriescouredtheconcourseforJamietonoavail,butlookingattheDeparturesboard,hehadtobeheresomewhere.
She’dlockedthekitteninthekitchenanddraggedonanyoldthingsontopofher“it’sChristmasEve,timetoletgo”outfitofbaggyjoggersandsloppy,shapelesswide-neckjumper.TheUberhadbeenpainfullyslowtoarrivebutonceshewasin,they’dflownthroughthestreets,pastboozyofficeworkersspillingoutofthebarsanduptherampofthestation,whereLauriehadpracticallyfallenoutbeforethecarcametoacompletestop.
Hemust’vegonethroughthebarrierbynow.Ataticketmachine,Laurieenduredanagonizingwaitbehindtheworld’ssloweststonergap-yearboys,wearingflip-flopswithsocksinDecember,thenboughtthecheapestshecouldfind,asingletoStockport,anddashedthroughtotheotherside.
Whenshegottotheplatform,shelookedright,left,right,left.Hewasn’there.HadHattiegotthetimewrong?
Hereyescametorestonamaninanavycoatwithshortcurlydarkhairandexceptionalcheekbones,standingbytheCokemachine,staringather.
There
Inherhaste,Lauriehalfskippedtohim,apprehensionatwhatshehadtosaybrieflycanceledoutbytheelationoffindinghim.
“Hi,”shesaid.
“Hello?”Jamiesaid,lookingathercuriously.
“GoinghomeforChristmas?”
“Er…yeah.Andyou?Gettingatraintoo?”
“No,I’vecometofindyou.”
“OK?”
“TotellyouthatI’msorry.IdoubtedyouandIfreakedout.ItrustedDanandheletmedownandIwasn’treadytogothroughthatagain.”
Asilence,whereshewonderedifshewouldgettheJamiewho’dbeensoscornfullasttimetheymet,orthetenderJamieofthemessagestohisbestfriend.
“Iknow.Igetthat.Ithinkitwastoobiganask,tobehonest.”
“Youdo?”
“Yeah.”Hegothisphoneoutofhispocket.“Youcanhavemypasscode;IcanshowyoutextsfromEvethatbackupeverythingI’vetoldyou.Ishould’veofferedthatbeforebutIwasintoobigastate,thinkingI’dlostmyjobandyouonthesameday.Ilashedout.”
“ThankyoubutIdon’tneedtoseethem.”Lauriepaused.“Itrustyou.Hattiesharedtheemailyouwroteaboutme,withme…”
“Oh,didshenow?”
“Shedid.Ishouldn’thaveneededtohearyou’dsaidthosethings.Iknewthemanyway,becauseit’showIfeeltoo.”Lauriedrewbreath.“That’swhat’sspecialaboutus.It’sfunny,givenIthoughtwewerechalkandcheese,butit’slikewehavesomesortoftelepathy.Ipurposelyturnedthatintuitionoff,andsurrenderedtowhateveryoneelsethoughtofyou.Ididn’twanttorelyonmyownjudgmentbecauseitletmedownsobadlywhereDanwasconcerned.”
Jamiesaidnothing.
“SoIdidn’tthinkaboutthepersonIspenttimewithinLincoln,oratbarbecuesthatturnedintoslasherflicks,orhavingnervousbreakdownsinskyscraperswith.Becausehim,Itrust,andIammadlyinloveinwith.”Shepaused.“Whyhaven’tyoubeenintouchwithme?”
“Youhaven’tbeenintouchwithme.Checkmate.”Jamiesmiled.
“Iknow.Iwasworriedyou’dsay,aftersomethought,youweredefinitelysureitwasover.”
“That’sexactlywhyIdidn’tcallyou.Ithought,letthesilencespeakforitselfandyoucanavoidthosecrushingfewsecondsofcertainty.”
TheManchestericywindhowledaroundthemandLauriepushedherhairoutofherface.
“WhatI’msayingis,doyouwanttotryagain?”shesaid.
“No,notreally,what’sdoneisdone,”Jamiesaid.“AndI’vehadapromisinginquiryfromamemberofLittleMix.”
LauriewasstunnedforamomentandthenJamie’sfrowncracked,andhestartedlaughing.“Yourface,hahaha.”
“Youbadbollock!”
Jamiestoopedandrifledinhisbag.
“Openthis.IwasgoingtopostitfromLincoln.”
Lauriefumbleditopenwithcoldhandsandfoundashortnote,wrappedaroundasmallcardboardbox.Sheopenedit.Itwasthenecklaceshe’dadmiredonSteepHill.
“I’dgotmymumtobuyitandsendit,”Jamiesaid.
Sheopenedthenote:
DearLaurie,
Ifthere’sanychancewhatsoeveryoumightchangeyourmind,Iwantthatchancemorethananythingintheworld.Iwouldn’twastethatchance.I’duseitfortherestofourlives,infact.
Allmylove,Jamiex
Laurielookedup,tearsinhereyes.
“Comehere.”Jamiedroppedhisbagandgrabbedherinahug.“I’msosorryforwhatIputyouthrough,”hesaid,mutteringintoherhair.“Ishould’vetoldyouupfrontwhathadgoneonwithEve.Keepingmycardsclosetomychestbecamesecondnature.”
“Youlostyourjob.Youpaidenoughforit.”
Thetrainpulledintothestation.
“WhatareyoudoingforChristmas?”Jamiesaid.“DoyouwanttocometoLincoln?I’dnotsteeledmyselftotellmyparentswewerenomoreyet.Wecouldgetalatertrain,afteryou’vepackedabag?”
“Icould,exceptI’vegotawreckerofakittenthatcan’tbeleft.”
“I’vegotahousesitterforMargaret.Wecouldaddyourkittenintothedeal,payherextra?”
“OhGod.It’llbelikeClouseauandCato!”
“I’lltellhertochargemeforsomepruninggauntletsandsedatives.Forher.”
“Lookslikewehaveaplan,then,”Lauriesaid.
Jamiehuggedheragainandtheywalkedoutofthestation,handinhand,onlytofindLauriecouldn’tgetbackthroughtheticketbarrieruntilshe’dboughtanothersingle.
“Youknow,thisreunionwaswrittenbyfate.Hattiesaidsheknewwehadafuture,asshe’spsychic,”Lauriesaid,oncethey’dextricatedthemselvesfromtheadmin.
“IfHattie’spsychic,whydidshedatetheladinourtwentieswhopretendedtobeanheirtotheFarmfoodsfortune,andendeduprinsinghersavingsanddisappearingtoWorcester,untilthefraudsquadcaughtupwithhim,watchingscatporninaPremierInn?”
“Maybeshehadtodatehim,tofindherwaytoPadraig?”
“Tooheavyaprice.AndIlikePadraig.”
LaurieputherhandinJamie’sfreeoneandpulledhimtoastop.
“Doyouknow.I’vehadthemaddest,craziestidea,andyou’llsayLOLNObuthearmeoutonitseeminghasty.ParticularlyasI’dlikeyourparentstobethere.Doyoufancygettingmarried?”
“LOLNO!”Jamiesaid.“Uhm.Kidding.Butshouldn’tIpropose?”
“Notnecessarilyinthisdayandage.”
“You’reseriouslyproposingtome?We’veonlybeenapropercoupleforaweekend!”
“I’mlessrespectfulofwhatyou’resupposedtodo,thesedays,ifyougetme.Ifwediscoverwe’rehorrendouslyillsuitedaftertwoyearsofbickeringaboutoverspendingonthefoodshopandpickingupwettowels,thinkofthefunwe’llhavehadbeforewerealize?Ifthisisamistake,thinkhowmuchfunwe’llhavemakingit?”
“Thespeechiswritingitself!”
“And,youknow,ifit’sano,Iwillcopefine.ItstruckmeasathingI’dreallyenjoydoing.”Shegrinnedupathim.Hehadthesamelookonhisfaceashedidatthefinalchordsof“PurpleRain.”There,theyhadthefirstdancesortedalready.“IappreciateI’maskingyoutogofromsomeonewhodespisedmarriagetosomeonechargingintoone.Butthat’sme,now.Iaskforalot.”
Jamiereachedupandtuckedapieceofhairbehindherear.Lauriefeltloved,and,morethanthat,she’drememberedhowtoloveherself.Shewantedhisanswertobeyes,butanowouldn’tchangeeitherofthosethings.
“Yes.Myanswerisyes.Iwillmarryyou.CanIaskyouback?Feelsproper.LaurieWatkinson,willyoumarryme?”
“Yes!”
Theystopped,embraced,andkissed,theChristmasEvecrowdsflowingaroundthem,Jamie’sbagattheirfeet,whiletheystayedafixedpoint,amomentintime.Anirritablecommutertutted,inabroadMancdrawl.“Getafuckin’room.”Andtheylaughedandcarriedonkissing.
ManyagesofLaurieshadwalkedthroughPiccadilly,sinceshewasalittlegirlinfact.Shelikedthisonebest.Whateverhappenedinthefuture,Lauriewouldneverforgetthelessonsofthesemonths.Shewasasurvivorofsomedifficultthings,andshewashappy.
Theywalkeddownthehill,handinhand
“MybestfriendEmilycangivemeaway.”
“AndHattiecanbemybestman.”
“Ilikemakingupourownrules.Let’skeepdoingthat.”
Minuteslater,overengagementchampagnesintheRefuge,undertilesthatdeclaredTHEGLAMOUROFMANCHESTER,LauriemanagedtomakeaphoneringinaprovinceofIndonesia.
“Emily.Youknowhowwesaidwehadtodefinewhathappinesslookslikeforourselves?Withoutfearofjudgment?Now,there’sbeennoeggnog,but.Pleaseremainascalmaspossible.”Acknowledgments
SomethingI’mlearningonmysixth(sixth!)outingisthateachbookisitsownuniquebeastandtheprocessworksdifferentlyeachtime.IfINeverMetYouwasunusualbecause:(1)Isomehowmanagedtoneverhateit,evenwhenitwasgivingmeserioustrouble;and(2)itverymuchcametogetherintheediting,whichisaposhwayofsayingitneededafairbitofwork.Onthelatterpoint,hugethanksmustgotomydedicatededitor,MarthaAshby,whoneverletsmenaponthejobandgiveseachbookher100percent.Ireallyappreciateitandtheendresultissomuchbetterforhertirelessefforts.Thereyougo,M,readthatbacktomenexttimeIamhowlingNOOOOOaboutanote.
Onceagain,biguptobrilliantcopyeditorKeshiniNaidoowhosethoughtfulnessandhumormakesherpassthroughthemanuscriptapleasure.
MysincerestthankstothewholeHarperCollinsfamily—thepositivityandencouragementIgetistrulyspecial;pleaseknowyouhaveagratefulauthorhere.(I’dstartnamingindividualsbut,let’sbehonest,that’sanetiquetteminefield.ButifyouthinkImeanyou,thenIdefinitelymeanyou.)
Ontheagentingside,IbenefitfromnotonlythecapabilitybutthefriendshipofDougKeanatGunnMedia—here’stoyou,sir!
ParticularthankstopoetandnovelistKimAddonizioforgenerouspermissiontoquotealinefromherwork“TotheWomanCryingUncontrollablyintheNextStall.”
IfINeverMetYourequiredmetodescribesomeaspectsofbeingasolicitor,andmydearfriendSerenaMandairhelpedmeplenty,evenasshewasrushingaroundactuallybeingalawyerwhileIaskeddumbquestions.Thanks,Serry—anymistakesaremine!
Also,finally,acorrection:inmylastbook,insomesortofProsecco-cloudedfuguestate,IforgottothankSarahBrownwhogavemetonsofhelpwhenIstoletheideaofhercoolshow“Cringe.”Sosorry,Sarah,wheneveryou’renextintheUK,thedrinksaredefinitelyonme.
“Whatwouldyourtwinbrotherdo?”camefromaconversationwiththerelentlesslyinspirationalSallyThorne,anauthorwhomIwasluckyenoughtoshareeventswithinToronto—thankyouforyourcompanyandyourwisdom.
Gratitudeasalwaystomyfirstdraftreaders:Tara,Sean,Ewan,Katie,KristyBerry—I’dfindthisSOmuchharderwithoutyou,andthat’sthetruth.
Thankyoutomyfriendsandfamilywhocheermeon,andespeciallytoAlex,wholivesthehighsandlowsofthecreativeprocesswiththe“temperamentalartist,”hehheh,ohdear.
Andthankyoutoreaderswhokeepbuyingmybooks.Idon’twanttoendonanotethatmakesitsoundlikeIthinkI’mTaylorSwiftbut,myGod,Ifeelsolucky:blessyouall.P.S.Insights,Interviews&More…*
AbouttheAuthor
MeetMhairiMcFarlane
AbouttheBook
Author’sNote
ReadingGroupGuideAbouttheAuthorMeetMhairiMcFarlane
SundayTimesbestsellingauthorMHAIRIMcFARLANEwasborninScotland,andherunnecessarilyconfusingnameispronouncedVah-Ree.Aftersomeeffortsatjournalism,shestartedwritingnovels,andherfirstbook,YouHadMeatHello,wasaninstantsuccess.She’snowwrittensixbooks,andshelivesinNottinghamwithamanandacat.
Discovergreatauthors,exclusiveoffers,andmoreathc.comAbouttheBookAuthor’sNote
DearReader,
Hi,andIsohopeyouenjoyedIfINeverMetYou!(Imeanit,Ireallydo.Thisnevergetslessnerve-racking,itturnsout.)SomethingI’mlearningasanauthoristhatnomatterhowmuchyouthinkyou’reincontroloftheprocessofabook,thestorytosomeextentdecideswhatitwantstobe.Sodespitethepremiseofthisromancebeingostensiblylight,ittouchesonsomeheavythemes.OnlyafterI’dfinisheditdidIrealizeIwaswritingabouttwopeoplewho’dexperienceddamageintheirlives.(I’mdeliberatelyphrasingthat“damageintheirlives”ratherthan“damagedpeople,”whichIhate—they’renotimperfectitemsyou’dreturninashop.)
Despitethinkingthey’resuperficiallyverydifferent,LaurieandJamiediscovertheyhavedeepsimilarities.Aswellasfallinginlove,theyhelpeachothertocometotermswiththingsthey’dnotfaceduptobefore.
So,ifIwererunningyourbookgroup—firstly,there’dbelotsofProseccoandprobablyacat,andsecondly,there’dbethesequestions…
—MhairiReadingGroupGuide
LaurieandDanseparateaftermanyyearstogether,butnomarriageorchildren.Laterdowntheline,Lauriereflectsthatalthoughshethoughttheirpartnershipwasveryequalandmodern,sheinfactplayedthegrown-up,andindulgedDan.Doesthisringtruetoyou?Isequalityaboutmorethansharedbills?Istheoppositealsotrue:Youcouldbeinamoreold-fashionedrelationshipbutequalinotherways?
Laurieismotivatedbyrevengewhensheembarksonthe“showmance”withJamie.Haveyoueverbeenangryenoughatanyone,exorotherwise,youcould’veimagineddoingsomethingthatcrazy?
Laurie’sfriendEmilycounselsagainstthefakerelationshipasit’slying—and,shesays,lyingalwayscomesbacktohauntyou.Doyouthinkthat’strue,inyourexperience?
LaurieandJamieusesocialmediatoconducttheirshowmance—atonepoint,Lauriedescribesitallasabluff,asifthey’recelebritiesoftheirowncreation.DoyouthinkInstagram,Facebook,andsoongivepeopleafalseimpressionofothers’lives?Doyoursocialmediaaccountshonestlyreflectyourlife,ordoyoufeelpressuretomakeitlookmoreexcitingthanitis?
Alifelongsettledmonogamist,Lauriediscoversshe’streateddifferentlybymenatworkandbywomeninhersocialcircleonceshebecomessingle.Canyouimaginethishappeningtoo,ordoyoufeelyourstatusintheworldiscompletelyunconnectedtowhetheryou’recoupledup?
Lauriechoosestoendherrelationshipwithherfatheronceandforallinthestory.Shedecidesthat,bloodtiesornot,somepeopleshouldn’tbegivenlimitlesschancestohurtyou.Doyouagree?Haveyoueverhadtoendafamilyrelationship,orputtighterboundariesonone?
Phew,andtoendonalighternote?…WhenIhadtogivenotesforthejacketartworkforthebook,IsaidLaurieandJamielookliketheactorsplayingMissandeiandRobbStarkinGameofThrones.Whodidyoupicturethemas?Castmymovie!Thankyou.xxAnExcerptfromJUSTLASTNIGHTPrologue
After
Youwerealiveagainlastnight.
Iwakeupwithasmallstartleatsuddenconsciousness,andliestillinthedark,mybrainscrabblingtoreassemblereality.
Itwasn’tanightmare—andI’vehadplentyofthose—itwasjustanotherworld,exactlylikethisone,butwithadramaticdifference.
Yourpresence.Yourpresence,whichItookforgranted.
Inthisplace,wewerecheerfullyorganizingaskitrip,sittingataschooldesk,whilenexttoabusymotorway.Thecars
thunderingpastmadethetableshakebutneitherofuswerebothered.HowaboutSwitzerland?yousaid.Wehadplans.
Iimagineourmessaging,metellingyouaboutitlaterthismorning,entertainingyouonyourcommute.Youalwaysreplied
withinminutes.
Hahyou’dnevergoskiing,Eve.“WhywouldIwillinglytraveltoaverycoldplaceanddoanysortofsportandcallita
holiday?Wholooksataverysteepicyslopeandthinks,Iknow,I’llputthingsonmyfeetthatwillmakemefalldownit
faster?”Andsoon.
IKR!Obviouslymysubconsciousistrollingme.Also:whyareourdreamssointerestingtothedreamerandsoboringtoeveryone
else?Isitbecausewe’resoimpressedwecreatedastory,butforthem,theplothasnostakes?
Yesanddoubledullpointsforthepeoplewhothinkit’samazingifit’sasurrealone,asifyourdreamsaregoingtobe
logical.“IwasstaringatthegoatbutohmyGod,thenIrealized,thegoatwasALSOME.”
Thatsoundsprettycool,tbf.Goattransmogrificationbeatsskiinganyday
Argh,whydidn’tIwalk2minsfurthertoCaffeNero,Iamsuchalazysod,eventheStarbucksflatwhiteisafilthysweet
kidsmilkshake.Pintafterwork?
Pintafterwork!x
Imissyou.
Ihateinventingyou,scriptingyourlines,insteadofhavingtheoriginal.I’mwhatmymumcalls,acidly—becauseIcould
doagoodimpressionofhersecondhusband—anaturalmimic.
ButtheeasewithwhichIcanconjureyouup,itfeelslikeacurse.Aparlortrick,butit’sghoulish,aparody.It’slike
waltzingwithamannequin.
Ipushdownunderthewarmthofthecovers,listeningtotherainpelttheroofoutside.I’menoughofaGothtorelisha
downpourwhenI’mnotrequiredtobeinit,andit’sagoodone:reallyheavy,splashilywet,earth-soaking,youcanhear
itpingingofftheleaves.Onlyinsomniacs,milkmen,thedregsofclubnightsandearly-shifterswillknowithappened.It’s
asecretwe’resharingwhiletherestofthecitysnores.
Myheartskipsabeatasthecurtainsmove.Rogerslithersinthewindowandmewsindignantly.Someonethrewcoldwaterat
himfromthesky,whenhewasbusystakingoutrats,havingfun.
Bythelightofthesidelampyouboughtme—ceramic,intheshapeofatoadstool,aDisneytoadstoolwithwhitestalkand
redspottedcap(“Asitisapoisonousmushroom,sowilltweehomeaccessoriesbedeadlytoyourhopesofgettingaboyfriend.”)—I
seeRogersettleattheendofthebed,hisfurindamppeaks.
Someoneoncesaidtomebirthwasthemostordinaryandextraordinarythingyou’lleverexperience,simultaneously,anddeath
isthesame.Thefactofyourssitsthere,implacably,beingsobanalandsomind-blowinglystrangeatthesametime.
Itwillalwaysbelikethis,Ihavecometorealize.Theacheispermanent,itmustbeaccommodated.It’spartofmybody
now.
Ikeepwaitingtogetpastit.To“moveon,”toabsorbit,tosetitaside,tomakesenseofit,toprocessit.Foritto
be,somehow,“behind”me.Whatnext?Ikeepthinking,withapaininmystomachlikeit’sbeenslitopen.And—thereisnonext,stupid.That’sthepoint.Someone
hasgone,forever,andyouhavetostopwaitingforthemtocomeback.Withoutrealizingit,youarestuckonpause,asif
theirnotbeingheremightchange.
ThisiswhatIneverknewaboutloss—it’salsoaboutwhatyougain.Youcarryaweightthatyouneverhadbefore.It’snever
behindyou.It’salongsideyou.
“Forever”:peoplesayitinweddingvowsallthetimeliketheyunderstandwhatitmeans,butactualforeverisfuckinghuge.1
Before
“We’regoingtowintonight,”Edsays.“Icanfeelit.Icansmellit.Icouldsliceitlikeafrittata.Theairisthick
withtheodorofourimminentvictory.Breatheitin,mybitches.”
Hepretendstoscenttheair.
“Areyousurethat’snotLeonard?”Justinsays.“Hehadchiliconcarnefortea.Gotuponthecounterandhadhisfacein
thesaucepanbeforeIcouldstophim,thefool.He’sbeenfartinginspicybeefflavoreversince.”
“Maybevictorysmellsexactlylikeminceandkidneybeansworkingitswaythroughaverysmalldog’sdigestivesystem,”I
say,asSusiesays:“BLURGH.”
“Howwouldweknowhowitsmells,afterall?Noneofushaveeverbeensuccessful,”Isay,directingthisatEd.
“Speakforyourself.MyGPsaidmyhemorrhoidswerethemostprominenthe’dseeninthirtyyearspracticingmedicine.”
Iguffaw.(ThisisastandardjokeformatwithEd;Iassumehisbumisfine.)
IreflexivelyreachouttopetLeonard,whohashisownchair,sittingatopJustin’scoat,protectingtheupholstery
Leonardisa“Chorkie”—aChihuahuacrossedwithaYorkshireTerrier.Hehasbeadyeyespeeringoutfromunderacomicalfringe
ofgray-whitehair,spikyinthemiddlelikehe’shadPaulWeller’sModcut,batears,andalopsidedlittlegrin,fullof
toothpickteeth.
Helooks,asEdsays:“Likeanenterprisingcartoonratdoingsomekindofstealthycosplayasacanine.We’vebeeninfiltrated
byarodentmastercriminal.”
Leonard,anomnivorouseaterandtroublesomelyimpromptuurinator,isoneofthelovesofmylife.(Therestofthemarearound,
andalsosometimesunder,thistable.)
“Yousaywe’regoingtowinthisquizeveryweek,Ed,”Susiesays,worryingatacoaster,shreddingitintoapileofsoft
cardboardshards.“AndwearealwaysfuckedbythesamefivedeterminedmeninLands’Endpackableanoraks.”
“DescribingmybestholidayinWales,there,”Justinsays.Justinisaself-proclaimed“tiresomeshow-offandperformative
middlechild”andoneofthefunniestmenyou’llevermeet,butyouabsolutelydonotgotohimforgoodtaste.
Thequizmaster’svoiceboomsout,cuttingthroughconversation,liketheVoiceofGod:
“QuestionTEN.WhoisMichaelOwuo?Whois,MichaelOwuo?”
Theusualsecondsofpost-questionhushfall.
“Ishe…theLabourMPforKingstonuponHullEast?”Edwhispers,faux-earnestly.
“Seriously?”Susiesays.
“No,”Isay,rollingmyeyes,andEdtapsthepenonhislipsandwinksatme.
“Youthreedoknowwhoheis,right?”Justinsays,doingadoubletake.“UGH.SowearethemillennialcastofLastoftheSummerWine.”
“DidheplaythevillaininthelastBond?”Iask,andEdsays:“YES!‘DoctorPardon.’Whatwashisgimmickagain?”
“Hehadbejeweledeargauges,”Isay.“Andawalker,withtinselwound’roundit.”
Edlaughs.Ilovethewayhelaughs:itstartsinhisshoulders.
“OK,whoisjoking,andwhoisn’t?”Susiesays.“Imeanobviously,theyare,”shegrimacesatmyselfandEd.“Doyougenuinely
knowwhoheis,Justin?”
“He’sStormzy,”Justinhisses.“God,youcantellyoulotarethirty-four.”
“You’rethirty-four,Justin,”Susiesays.
“There’sthirty-fourandthenthere’s,like,‘WhoaretheStormzys?’thirty-four,”Justinsays,pullingan“oldgeezer”rubbery
face.
“A‘stormzy,’yousay,”Edsays,inacreakyHighCourtjudgevoice.“WhateveraStormzyis,”andwrites“Mr.StormZee”onthepaper.
Edhasreallynicehands;I’masuckerfornicehands.Hecyclesalotandcanmendthings,andIamnowmatureenoughto
appreciatepracticalskillslikethat.
SusietakesthepenfromEd,scribbleshiswordsout,andwritesStormzycorrectly.
“Don’tyourpupilskeepyouuptodatewiththisstuff?”IaskEd.“Hiptothejive,daddio?”
“It’smyjobtoteachthemDickens,nottheirstoteachmegrime.”
EdisheadofEnglishatanicecountyschool.Youknowhowtheysaysomepeoplelooklikepolice?Edlookslikeateacher—a
filmortelevision,glossyyoungteacher—withhisunthreatening,handsomesolidity,strawberry-blond,close-croppedhair.
Inacrisisinasituationfullofstrangers,Ed’swouldbethekind,reliablefaceyou’dhopetosee.He’dbetheguyoffering
hisnecktieasamakeshifttourniquet.
Partofthepleasureofthisweeklypubappointmenttolosethepubquiz,Ithink,isitbringsoutanddefinesalltheroles
inourfoursome.EdandIclowningaroundtogether,Justinrefereeing,withhiscausticwit,Susieplayingexasperatedmother.
SometimesIstopparticipatingintheconversationandjusthumhappilyinsidemyself,enjoyingourtogetherness,reveling
inthewayweallbroadcastonthesamefrequency.Iwatchusfromtheoutside.
…didn’tshemarrythesingerfromtheMumfords?I’dratherbeaSisterWife.(Susie)
…thischerryStolichnayathatHesterbroughtbackfromduty-free,it’samazing,tasteslikebabymedicine.Orsobabies
tellme.(Ed)
…hewasarightgrumpycarrottop.Isaidtohim,doyouknowwhygingerismisthelastacceptableprejudice?Becauseit’sacceptable.(Justin,ofcourse)
“Shhhhh,”Isay,asIcanseethequizmasteradjustinghisreaders,ashesquintsatapieceofpaper.
“QuestionELEVEN.Theword‘CHRONOPHAGE’isanAncientGreekwordforwhatisnowanidiomaticexpressioninEnglish.Butwhatdoesitmean?
Clue:yourmobilephonemaydothis.Thatdoesnotmeanyoucancheckyourphones,hahaha!”
Thequizmasterblowsairoutofhisnostrilsinawindygust,directlyintothebulb,andyoucanhearhisspit.
Thelooksonthefacesofourhikinganoraknemesessuggestthey’reconsiderablymoreconfidentaboutthisthantheywere
aboutMr.Stormzy.
“Chronomeanstime…,”Edwhispers.“Chronographwatches.”
“Chronological.”Susienods.“Inorderoftiming.”
“Phage,”Isay.“Hmmm.Coprophagiciseatingpoo.Fairlysurethecopro’spoo,sothephagicmustbeeating.”
“Eve!”Susiebarks,withapotatochiphalfwayintohermouth.“Howdoyouevenknowthat?”
“I’velivedafulllife.”
“I’vebeenaroundformostofitsoIknowthatisn’ttrue.Aquarterfull,atbest.”
“…Eatingtime?”Justinhisses.“Itmustmeaneatingtime.Yourphonedoesthat.Boom.Writeitdown.”
Edobliges.
WecometoTheGladstoneeveryThursday.Iwouldsaywithoutfail,butwearethirty-somethingswithlivesandjobsandother
friendsand—someofus—partners,sotherearesomefails.Butwe’reheremoreoftenthannot.
“QuestionTWELVE,beforewetakeashortbreak.WhatdoMarcusGarvey,RudyardKipling,ErnestHemingway,andAliceCooperhaveincommon?
I’llgiveyouaclue.Itinvolvesamistake.”
Westareblanklyateachother.PackableAnoraksarefrantic-whisperinginsteadofwritingorlookingsneaky-smug,whichmeans
they’renotsureeither.
“Isitchoiceoffirstwife?Asinthey’veallhadmorethanone?”Edsays.
“Wedon’tcallpeoplewedivorcemistakesnow,”Susiesays.
“Mymumdoes,”Isay.
“Rememberwhenourreligionteachersaid,‘Peoplearetooquicktodivorcenowadays,’andyousaid,‘Ithinkthey’retooslow,’
andyougotadetentionforit?”SusiesaysandIguffaw.
“Ah,theresheis,”Edsays,asthedoorslapsopenandhisgirlfriend,Hester,appears,hernosewrinklingindistasteat
theslightstenchof“armpit.”
Myheartsinksanotch,butIignorethatithasdonethisandpasteonastrong,welcomingsmile.
Tobefair,TheGladdydoeshaveabitofanaromasometimes,whatwiththestickyfloor,butthat’spartofitscharm.It’sadartboard-and-devoted-regularspub.
Iloveit,year-round,withitsscrappyconcretebeergardenwithflowerplantersonthefireescape.Ithinktheyaresupposed
tosimulate“verdanturbanoasis”inayardfulloflagerandsmokers.Butit’satitsbestinautumnandwinter.Frosted-leaf
mulchanddarkskieswithbrightstarsontheothersideofthesteamed-uppanes.Serioushyggetobehad,onthissideofthewindow.
Well,mostly.
HestermovedtoNottinghamforEd,afactshelikestorelitigateaboutonceamonth.
Shelookslikeacolorizedpicturehaswalkedintoablackandwhite,kitchensinkrealismfilm:skinthecolorofripepeaches
andshimmeringchampagne-blondhair.She’slikeahumanBellini.
Herballedfistsarethrustinhercoatpockets,aBarbourwithafawncordcollar,asifshe’ssmashedintoasaloonina
Westernandgoingtodrawtwoguns.
It’snotthatIdon’tlikeHester…
“Areyoualldrunkbynow,then?”shesays,bullishly.Sheglancesatme.“Evelooksdrunk.”
Oh,whydoIbother.It’sabsolutelythatIdon’tlikeHester.
“Andonceagainforthecheapseats!WhatdoMarcusGarvey,RudyardKipling,ErnestHemingway,andAliceCooperhaveincommon?
Itinvolvesamistake.Amistake.Anerror.OK,backsoon.”
“Hemingwaywasinaplanecrash,wereanyoftheothers?”Iwhisper.
“Bitofastretchtocallaplanecrash‘amistake’though?”EdwhispersbackandIshrug,noddinginconcession.
“AndRudyardKipling’sabittooyesteryearforplanes,isn’the?”Justinsays.“NotexactlydoinghisInstagramStorywith
aProseccoclawholdingaflutealoftintheairportbar.”
Hemimestryingtophotographhispintglass,andSusiesnorts.
“Theywerewronglygivenawardsthathadtobetakenback,”Hestersays,dragginghercoatoffhershoulders.“Where’sthe
pen?”
JustinmakesaskepticalfaceandEdtriestolookpersuadablyneutralashehandsitover.Hissenseofhumordoesn’tevaporate,
exactly,aroundHester,buthegoesmorenoabsolutelyofcourseIdidn’tmeanthatformal.
Hester’slatejoiningtonightasshe’sbeenoutwithfriendsatatapasrestaurant,andunderstandably,giventhenumberof
babiesthattherestofthecirclehavebetweenthem,theywindthingsupbyninep.m.HesteronlyjoinsusatTheGladdyquizintermittently,anyway.“Sometimesitgetswearying,withallyourin-jokes,”she
says.Eventhoughshe’sknownusallforsolongasEd’sgirlfriend,Iamnotsurehowthere’san“in”she’soutsideof.
“Areyousure?”Susiesays.
“Yes,I’msure,”Hestersays.Qualifying:“…Well,haveyougotanythingbetter?”
“Sure,sure—orfour-Proseccos-deep-and-we-haven’t-got-anything-better-yet,sure?”Susiepersists,smilingina“WickedQueen
witharedapple”sortofway.
ShedareswithHesterinwaysIabsolutelydonotdare.Susiedareswithmostpeople.Mostpeopledon’tdareback.
Susiehaslong,thickblond-brownhairshewearsinahorse-mane-lengthponytail,orlooseandbunchedupintoascarflike
she’sStreisandinaseventiesfilm.Shehasafullmouthwithanemphaticpouttohertoplip,whichlooksasifit’sbeing
pulledupwardbyhertiltednose,whichIthinkisathingcalled“retroussé.”
“WhatawarddidMarcusGarveyget?”Justinsays.
“RearoftheYear?”Isay,andEdhoots.Hester’sfuming,Iknow.
“OK,ignoremethen!”Hestersays.“Pardonmefortryingtoparticipate,guys.”
“No,no!It’sgood!Ithinkyou’reright,”Edsays,hastily.“Noneofushaveanythingbetter.Writeitdown.”
IalwaysrespectEdforleapingchivalrouslytoHester’sdefense,whilewishingitwasforsomeonewhobetterdeservedit.
HesterscribbleswhileJustin,Susie,andItrynottomeeteachother’seyes
“MoredrinksIthink,what’severyonehaving?”Justinsaysandgetsuptogotothebar.
Igotothelooand,afterIflush,IseeIhaveatextfromSusie.(NotaWhatsApp,becauseitwouldriskappearinginfull
onalockscreen.Canny.)
WhenIopenit,Iseeit’sbeensenttomyselfandJustin.Iknowhowthey’retriangulatingthesignal,nextdoor—Justinnonchalantly
studyinghishandsetwhilewaitingtobeserved,Susieslightlyangledawayfromthecouple,feigningpickinguphermessages
Susie:WHYISSHESUCHABOSSYARSEHOLETHOUGH
Justin:Shecangetawaywithanythingduetothefabulousbreasts,darling
Susie:Ihavegreattitsandyoudon’tseeitaffectingmypersonality.ThatanswerisSOOBVIOUSLYWRONG.AndwhyisEdsucha
wimpaboutit.Ohyeswritethatbollocksdown,mypreciouslittlepoisondumpling.ARGH
Justin:Again,boobs
Eve:Thepoisoneddumplings
Susie:Iswearsheknowsit’sthewronganswerandisdoingittofuckwithus
Ileanagainstthepleasantlychillywallinthelooandtype,grinning.
Havingbeeninstone-coldlovewithHester’sotherhalfforthebestpartoftwodecadesmeansIneverknowhowmuchofmy
dislikeisplainoldenvy.SusieandJustincontinually—andinadvertently,becausetheyabsolutelydon’tknow—reassureme
I’dhavedislikedheranyway.IoftenplayNiceCopinregardstoHester,tofurtherthroweveryoneoffthescent.
Eve:Youwait,she’llberightandthat’llshowus
Susie:She’snotright,shedoesn’tevenknowwhoMarcusGarveywas,youcouldseethatwhenJustinchallengedher
Justin:SheprobablythinkshewonBestVideo2007attheGrammys
Susie:Lol.AndI’djustpointoutthatEve’ssuggestiongotshotdownandshedidn’tgetthehump
Eve:Doesthissayanythingbadaboutmybreasts
Susie:Onlythatthey’renotacarbonoffsettingschemeforbeingahorror
Justin:Sigh.Letusgetdrunk.
2
JustinandSusiearebothpersonalitytypeswho,byandlarge,don’tdoguilt.Itwouldslowthemdownconsiderably.Idrink
guiltlikeasmoothieforbreakfast,andmuchasIrevelinourregularsecretbackchannelcommsaboutHester,IknowIshouldn’t.
AsIoncereasonedtoacolleague,however:somepeopleareintolerable,andliferequiresyoutotoleratethem,andthere’s
onlytwowaysofreleasingthepressure.One,lettinglooseattheindividualwindingyouup,ortwo,bitchingmercilessly
behindtheirback.
Optiontwomightnotbeassertiveornoblebutithasalotlessimpactonthesocialcontract.
NoneofushaveeverreallydoubtedthatpushingbackonHesterwouldbadlydamageourfriendshipwithEd.Youdon’tgeta
vetoonyourfriends’andrelatives’partners.Don’tIknowit.Could’veavoidedmymum’ssecondhusbanddisasterifIdid.
WhenIreturntothetable,Icansense,atthepacewe’redrinking,we’rebeginningamessydescentfromgeneralknowledge
acuity.Leonardhaswiselycurledupandgonetosleep.There’sonlyFridayatworktostrugglethroughtomorrow.
“Youcantellyou’reonhalfterm,”SusiesaystoEd.“Hey.Eve.DidyoumentiontheotherdaythatMarkhashadakid?”
“Ohyes,”Isay,takingahardswallowofmyfreshEstrella.Ah,lovelynumbingbeer.“Hepostedthephotoslastweek.Ezra.Coolname.”
Markismyexandmyonlyseriousboyfriend.HewentofftobesuccessfulinjournalisminLondonwhenweweretwenty-nine
andIdidn’tmovewithhim,welong-distanced.PrettysoonhedecidedmyreluctancetorelocatemeantIwasn’tsufficiently
committed—hewasright—andfinishedit.HenowworksforTimeOutinSanFrancisco,ismarried,anAmericancitizen,andafather.Meanwhile,Igotacat.
Regrets,Imighthaveafew.Mygutsaidwewereneverquiteright,butanaggingvoiceinmyheadsaysthatitwasasright
asI’mgoingtoget,andIwasanidiot.Coincidentallymymumsaysthattoo.
“Weirdtothinkheusedtobeinherewithussooften,andnowhe’soverthere,forever.You’renotbothered?”Susiesays.
“Uhm,no.Itfeelsverydistanttome,youknow?Ineverysense.”
“Howdidyoufindout?”
“HepoppedupfollowingmeonInstagramafewmonthsagoandIfollowedhimback.”
“Aha.He’snotentirelyoveryou,then,”Edsays.“Hewantsyoutoseehe’smovedon,andcheckwhatyou’redoing.Whichis
asuresignofhisnothavingfullymovedon.”
“Hah.Idoubtit.ThefashionableneighborhoodofLowerHaight,fivethousandmilesaway,istheverydefinitionofmoving
on.”
(Yes,ofcourseIknowthesethingsfrom1:30a.m.blearytap-tap-scrollresearch.)
“I’msureofit.Movingonhastohappenhereandhere,”Edsays,pointingatheadandchest.HelooksatmelevellyandI
blinkathimandatiny,near-imperceptiblemomentpassesbetweenus,andImentallyputitinoneofmyspecimenjars.
“…IbethebrowsesphotosofyouandRogerandthinks,hell,ImissthatwalkingessaycrisiswiththeCleopatraeyes.”
“Crisis!”ButIglow,abit.
“Hey—that’sgood.‘WalkingessaycrisiswiththeCleopatraeyes,’that’slikeaLloydColelyricorsomething.”
“It’sfunnyweusesocialmediatospyoneachotherreally,giveneveryone’stellingsomedegreeoflieonthere,”Justin
says.“TherewasaphotoofahotelonTrivagodoingtheroundsbecausethey’dcroppedoutthenuclearpowerstationbehind
it.Butdon’tweall,inasense,cropoutournuclearpowerstations?”
Ilaugh.
“Yeah,everyonepresentstheirlifelikeit’saholidaydestination,”Isay.“Imean,whereMark’slivingisaholidaydestination.”
“Ialwaysthinkwhenanexissuperhappywithsomeoneelsetheyshouldbethankingyouforendingthings,”Susiesays.“Clearly
youwererighttosplitup.Whyisitall‘yeahsuckit,inyourface,I’mthriving!’Noshit,John,thatiswhyIsuggested
wewerebothbetteroffapartwhileyouscreamedatmethatitwastheendofyourworld.Perhapsinfactanapologyisin
order.Whydotheythinkthey’veprovedtheirpoint,notyours?”
Ilaugh,partlyathowquintessentialSusieHartthisis.
“TechnicallyMarkdumpedme,soheonlyhashimselftocongratulate,”Isay.
“Yes,butonlybecauseyouchosetostayhere.”
“Whowouldleaveallthis?”Isay,toastingtheroom,andthenLeonard.Andwelaugh,butIknow,aswehitourmid-thirties,
it’sfeelingjustatriflehollow.
Wecanfeelourselves,ifnothavingalreadymadeirreversiblemistakes,rightonthevergeofmakingthem.Hesterrecently
observedthatwearemutually“idlinginneutralgear.”And“havingeachotherstopsallofyoulotlookingformore.Co-dependency.
Youareeachother’sotherhalves,soyoudon’tbotherwithrelationshipsaswell.”
ApartfromEdandherself,ofcourse.God,she’sajoy.
ThethingwithHesteris,there’sabigwhistlinggapwherehernicenessismeanttobe,butshe’sabsolutelyeverythingelse.
Good-looking,energetic,high-earning,organized,confident,effortful,sociable,homemaking,birthday-remembering,smart.
SoIcanseehowithappened.You’dneedtobepayingattention.
AndEd’sveryloyal.Sometimesnaturallyloyalpeoplefailtospotwhentheyshouldn’tbeloyal.
“Speakingofdisappearingacts.WhyarewemissingHester?”Edsays,atheremptyseat,andJustinmumbles,“We’renot,”just
quietlyenoughthatSusieandIhearbutEddoesn’t.
Conversationisinterruptedbyashriekingmetallicnoise,feedbackfrommisfiringaudioequipment,whichmakeseveryone’s
shouldersinvoluntarilyhunch,andourmouthstwist.
“Whoops!Letmefiddlewiththis.Thereweare.Hello!Beforethequizstartsagain,thisyoungladywantstousemykitfor
amoment.Asitwere,haha!ThereforeIamhandingover…toEsther?Hester,sorry.”
OurheadssnaparoundandwefrowninconfusiontoseeHesterstandingontheothersideofthebar,wieldingthemicrophone
withalookofbeatificanticipation,asifshe’sabouttobeltoutakaraoke“TotalEclipseoftheHeart”orannounceSweden’sscoresonEurovision,assoonastheproducerinherearpiecesays,“Go.”
“Hieveryone,”shesays,asthesaloonbarfallssilent.“I’dbeenwonderingforawhileaboutwhenbesttodothis,andI
hadadivinefitofinspiration.It’shisfavoriteplace,there’samike.”Shewagglesitathermouthlikealollipopshe’s
abouttolickandIsenseafewmalesintheroompayingkeenattention.Hester’spresenceoftenhasthateffect.It’slike
whenyou’reinterestedinalotoneBayandittellsyouthatFourOtherPeopleAreWatchingThis.
“So…thatmanoverthere…”—shegesturesatEd,who’slookingembarrassed,vaguelygratified,butmostlyperturbed—“Is
theloveofmylife.”
Shepausesfortheawwwwwtoripplearoundtheroomandcloseshereyesforasecondandnods.Mystomachflexes.
“Iknow,right.Eveninthatshirt!”Laughter.Hester’sgivingitthefullGwynethwithherOscar,intermsofregallycommanding
theroom.
“Yep.We’vebeentogetherfor…”Shepretendstoremember,countingitoffonherfingers.“…sixteenyears!Weare
rightabouttoageoutofthe‘youth’demographic,mydear.Thirty-fouristhecut-off.IknowthisbecauseIworkinadvertising.”
Anotherlaugh.Youworkforamarketingagency.I’veheardyoutartlycorrectpeoplecallingitadvertising.
“TheautumnImetEd,we’donlybeengoingoutafewmonths…hedidsomethingamazing.”
God,IamwaytooBritishnottofindthisexcruciating.Ican’timagineEdfeelsanydifferent.
“…MysisterwasgoingthroughaseriousillnessandIwasn’tsureshe’dpullthrough,forawhile.EdandIwerevery
new.Mostguyswould’verunamilefromthecommitmentIneeded.NotEd.”Shelooksathim,eyesshining,andtheroomholds
itsbreath.“HecameandstayedwithmyfamilythatChristmas,hecookedthelunchforus,hetookcareofmyparents,and
promisedmehe’dalwaysbethere…”
Ohdidhenow.Well,it’spossiblehedidn’t,Hester’sagreatself-mythologizer.
“…AndIknewrightthenIhadfoundsomeonevery,veryspecial.”
Theroom’spart-liquid.
“Nowwe’rethirty-four—whatI’mwondering—EdCooper…aftersixteenamazingyears,ofhighsandlows,laughterandtears…
is—willyoumarryme?”
Apause,andaroarofmaleexpectationgoesupfromthesteamilypackedpub.
Susie,Justin,andIlookatEdinshock,andhemomentarilyreturnsit,andgazesatus,asifforourcueorpermission.
Iliterallyseethethoughtpassacrosshisfacethathe’sgoingtogetintohorrendoustroubleifhespendsmorethanasingle
secondweighingthisofferup.
“Yes!”Edsays.Thenlouder:“Yes,Iwillmarryyou!”
Hestandsupandbeltsovertothebarandleansover,andheandHesterhaveaquickkisswhiletheroomcheersandclaps.
Susie,Justin,andIallrealizeweshouldbedoingthesame,aswelookaroundus,andjoinin,inmechanicalfashion.
“Whatareyoulike…?Whatonearth?”IcanhearEdsayingtoHesterasshedoesa“ohyouknowme,whatcanIsay”delighted
both-palms-upgesture,andJustin,Susie,andIdrinkourdrinksandsaynothinginthedin.
EdandHestercontinuewhisperingandEdisclearlyexpressinghisongoingamazementatHester’sromanticaudacity.Itear
myselfawayfromthesightandlookoncemoreatmyfriends.
“Ididn’tseethatcoming!”Justinsays,withapointedlyupbeat,eventone.“AtTheGladdyquiz,noless.Keepyourgondolas
inVeniceoryoursunsetsinMarrakech,thisisthewaytodoit.Iwillpencilmineinforwhenwe’renextgettingdoners
inPanko’sFishBar.Whatdoyousay,Leonard,fancythejobasringbearer?”Leonardwakesupandstaresathisownerand
goesstraightbacktosleep,facedownontuftedfrontpaws.Ithink:Yep,hardsame,Leonard
SusieandImakepolitemurmursofagreementandit’sfairtosay,foronce,we’rebothspeechless.
EdandHesterarebackatthetableandwemakenonspecificbutemphaticnoisesof“Wow!”and“Congrats!”and“OhmyGod!”
Attimeslikethis—OK,therehaven’tbeenmanytimeslikethis,butattimesingeneralwhenwe’remeanttoshowgenuineand
naturalenthusiasmforEd’srelationship—ImarvelthatsomeoneasperceptiveasEdhastunedoutthefactthatweobviously
aren’tthatkeen.Ormaybeheknowsfullwell,andsetsittooneside.
Whenevertheissueoftheirmarryingarose,heusedthefacttheyboughta“fixer-upper”ofahouseasadistraction.“We’ve
gotbetterwaystospendtwentygrandthanthat,thankstoCrapstonVillas.”Ihopedagainsthopehisreluctancewasabout
morethanthecost.
“Wellthen!Hereweare!”
HesterplonkscelebratoryCavadownontopofthequizsheet,Edjugglingfivefluteglasses,aswecroonfakeaweatrecent
events.He’scrimson-tingedwithshockandgleeandbooze.Hesterunpeelsthefoilandwrestlesthecorkoutofthebottle
and,asitsnapsoutwithaphut,thefizzbubblesover,streamsdownthesides,andsplattersourquizsheetbelow.
“Whoops!”Imovetorescueit,butHesterpicksupthebottleandwipesthebasewiththesheetofpaper,thespreadingink
turningthewritingintoindecipherableRorschachblots.Oh.Ipickitupandit’saslimpasatissue.
“I’llputitoverheretodry,”Isay,drapingitoverthebackoftheseat
“You’llneedtranslatorsfromtheBritishLibrarytodecipherit,”Justinsays,inthatquick,lightwaythatgetshimaway
withmurder.
Ican’thelpbutglanceatSusie,andshegivesmeaquickhardlookofunderstandingandlooksaway.
Wesipourfizzandclinkglassesandsay“Happyengagement!”asheartilyaswecan,andHestersays,“Itwasn’tplanned,
youknow?!Ihadoneofmymomentsofinspiration.Youknowmythingistofollowthem.”
Idoknow.IrememberastoryaboutHesterconvincingherin-lawstoskinny-dipwithheronafamilyholidaytotheCornish
coastthatlivesoninmynightmares.(“Nevertrustthephysicallyuninhibited”—onlysolidpieceofadvicemydadgaveme.)
“Nextup,you’vegottobuyaring,”Justinsays.“Youshouldspendamonth’swages,isn’tthatright?”
Edgrimaces.“Luckilymymonthlywagesaretwohundredquidandabagofscratchings.”
“Hah,ohEdward.Bestgetsaving!TheoneIlikeisCartier!”Hestersays.
Unplanned,wasit.
“Jesuswept,howmucharethey?!”EdfiresuphisphoneandGoogles.Whenhefindstherelevantpage,hemimesmoppinghis
browwithhisscarf.“H,thewebsitedoesn’tevenhaveprices.Ihaveto”—hemakesaJamesBondface—“ContactaCartierAmbassadortoRequestthePrice.”
Hester’sgurglingwithdelightandIknowEd’sinthecleartojokeasmuchashewantsfortherestoftheevening.Ifnot
therestofhislife.
“Iftheywon’tevenadmitthepriceupfrontthensurelyit’sareal‘goinginhardwithnolube’situation?”Justinsays.
(ItoldyouaboutJustinandgoodtaste.)“Oof.”
“Yeah,they’llstartwellnorthoffivegrand,”Susiesays,someonewhoknowsaboutposhthingsmorethantherestofus.
“Getthatkidneyreadyfortheblackmarket,Eduardo!”
EdmimesqueasinessandHestersmoothsherhairandlowershereyesinamock“PrincessDiana”gesture.Ifeelqueasyand
it’snotevenmysavings.“Iwasthinkingaspringwedding,”Hestersays.“Ihatelongengagements,they’resopointless.
They’reforpeoplewhowanttimetochangetheirmind,hahaha.”
“Ortosaveup,”Isay,inatightvoice,myfeelingsaboutthisfinallybreakingthesurface.
“Eve.”Hesterturnstome.“Susie.”ShethenturnstoSusie.
Hesterwillmakeastunningbride.Springtime.It’llbeallsnowdropflowercrown,flowingbacklesssatinlikesomemedieval
princess,tealightsinstormlanterns.“Ihavesomethingtoaskyouboth.Bythetimewetietheknot,mybestfriendback
homewillbeaboutsixmonthsgoneand,ifherpreviouspregnancyisanythingtogoby,she’lllooklikeanegg.”
Wow.
“…Andmysistersaysit’sadisgraceandembarrassmentforanyoneheragewho’sstillsingletobeabridesmaid.”
Astageypause,whileIthinkI’mprettysurehersister’sonlytwoyearsolderthanus.“Iwaswondering.Wouldyoutwobe
mybridesmaids?”
AstunnedbeatbeforeSusiebellows,“AreyoukiddingohmyGodofcoursewe’dloveto!”andIechoherwithasmuchforceasIcanmuster.
WesmashglassestogetheragainandEdsays,“Wow,H,thatistheloveliestthing.Twoofmybestmates,bridesmaids!That’s
mademyday.”
I’veneverseenEdsouxorious.IadmitI’vebeenlookingformicro-tellsofhisbeingpissedoffatthisambush,butIcan’t
findany.
“Itstruckmeasareallynicethingforyoutwotodo,tomakeyoufeelpartofit,”HestersaystomeandSusie,asifwe’re
theonesonaschooltripbygraceofaspecialhardshipfund.
Ibeam,withafakebanana-sizegrin.Iamsogladtobedrunkrightnow.Hatsoff,Hester,you’vedonewell.
“Anditgoeswithoutsaying—thisismybestman!”Edsays,andheandJustinhug.“Thegang’sallhere.”
Throughtheblurrytalkofwhichvenueshaveenoughoutdoorspacetohostthenuptials,IthinkaboutthefactI’llhaveto
gotodressfittingswithHester,withherbossingmeinandoutofboiled-sweet-coloredgowns,freetopasscommentonmy
appearance.I’mknownforlivinginblack,wearingmyclompyboots,and,asEdsays,stickingtomyageingGothmakeup
Insteadofhidingatthebackofthiswedding,withaginminiature,aValium,andmycrushedhopesinmyblacksilkclutch,
Iwillbefrontandcenterandrequiredtogrinmywaythroughtheofficialphotos.
MyBestFriend’sWeddingmight’vebeenafunnyfilmbutrelivingitsplotdoesn’tfeelfunnyintheslightest.
“…Questiontwelve.WeaskedyouwhatMarcusGarvey,RudyardKipling,ErnestHemingway,andAliceCooperhaveincommon?
Itinvolvedamistake.Theansweris:theyallreadtheirownobituaries,whichhadbeenmistakenlypublishedbeforethey
weredead.”
“Ah,thatwastheconnection!”Isay,butnooneislistening.
Themeninthepackableanorakswin.
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