Jenny Han – It s Not Summer without You

Contents
Acknowledgments
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-one
ChapterTwenty-two
ChapterTwenty-three
ChapterTwenty-four
ChapterTwenty-five
ChapterTwenty-six
ChapterTwenty-seven
ChapterTwenty-eight
ChapterTwenty-nine
ChapterThirty
ChapterThirty-one
ChapterThirty-two
ChapterThirty-three
ChapterThirty-four
ChapterThirty-five
ChapterThirty-six
ChapterThirty-seven
ChapterThirty-eight
ChapterThirty-nine
ChapterForty
ChapterForty-one
ChapterForty-two
ChapterForty-three
ACoupleofYearsLater
We’llAlwaysHaveSummerTeaser
ToAlltheBoysI’veLovedBeforeTeaser
BurnforBurnTeaser
AboutJennieHanJ+SforeverAcknowledgments
MyheartfeltgratitudetoEmilyvanBeek,HollyMcGhee,andElenaMechlinatPippinProperties,andtoEmilyMeehanandJuliaMaguireatS&S.Thanksalsotomyfirstreaders—Caroline,Lisa,Emmy,Julie,andSiobhan.I’msofortunatetoknowyouall.chapterone
JULY2
ItwasahotsummerdayinCousins.Iwaslyingbythepoolwithamagazineonmyface.Mymotherwasplayingsolitaireonthefrontporch,Susannahwasinsideputteringaroundthekitchen.She’dprobablycomeoutsoonwithaglassofsunteaandabookIshouldread.Somethingromantic.
ConradandJeremiahandStevenhadbeensurfingallmorning.There’dbeenastormthenightbefore.ConradandJeremiahcamebacktothehousefirst.IheardthembeforeIsawthem.Theywalkedupthesteps,crackingupoverhowStevenhadlosthisshortsafteraparticularlyferociouswave.Conradstrodeovertome,liftedthesweatymagazinefrommyface,andgrinned.Hesaid,“Youhavewordsonyourcheeks.”
Isquintedupathim.“Whatdotheysay?”
Hesquattednexttomeandsaid,“Ican’ttell.Letmesee.”AndthenhepeeredatmyfaceinhisseriousConradway.Heleanedin,andhekissedme,andhislipswerecoldandsaltyfromtheocean.
ThenJeremiahsaid,“Youguysneedtogetaroom,”butIknewhewasjoking.Hewinkedatmeashecamefrombehind,liftedConradup,andlaunchedhimintothepool.
Jeremiahjumpedintoo,andheyelled,“Comeon,Belly!”
SoofcourseIjumpedtoo.Thewaterfeltfine.Betterthanfine.Justlikealways,CousinswastheonlyplaceIwantedtobe.
“Hello?DidyouhearanythingIjustsaid?”
Iopenedmyeyes.Taylorwassnappingherfingersinmyface.“Sorry,”Isaid.“Whatwereyousaying?”
Iwasn’tinCousins.ConradandIweren’ttogether,andSusannahwasdead.Nothingwouldeverbethesameagain.Ithadbeen—Howmanydayshaditbeen?Howmanydaysexactly?—twomonthssinceSusannahhaddiedandIstillcouldn’tbelieveit.Icouldn’tletmyselfbelieveit.Whenapersonyoulovedies,itdoesn’tfeelreal.It’slikeit’shappeningtosomeoneelse.It’ssomeoneelse’slife.I’veneverbeengoodwiththeabstract.Whatdoesitmeanwhensomeoneisreallyandtrulygone?
SometimesIclosedmyeyesandinmyhead,Isaidoverandoveragain,Itisn’ttrue,itisn’ttrue,thisisn’treal.Thiswasn’tmylife.Butitwasmylife;itwasmylifenow.After.
IwasinMarcyYoo’sbackyard.Theboysweremessingaroundinthepoolandusgirlswerelyingonbeachtowels,alllinedupinarow.IwasfriendswithMarcy,buttherest,KatieandEvelynandthosegirls,theyweremoreTaylor’sfriends.
Itwaseighty-sevendegreesalready,anditwasjustafternoon.Itwasgoingtobeahotone.Iwasonmystomach,andIcouldfeelsweatpoolinginthesmallofmyback.Iwasstartingtofeelsun-sick.ItwasonlytheseconddayofJuly,andalready,Iwascountingthedaysuntilsummerwasover.
“Isaid,whatareyougoingtoweartoJustin’sparty?”Taylorrepeated.She’dlinedourtowelsupclose,soitwaslikewewereononebigtowel.
“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,turningmyheadsowewereface-to-face.
Shehadtinysweatbeadsonhernose.Tayloralwayssweatedfirstonhernose.Shesaid,“I’mgoingtowearthatnewsundressIboughtwithmymomattheoutletmall.”
Iclosedmyeyesagain.Iwaswearingsunglasses,soshecouldn’ttellifmyeyeswereopenornotanyway.“Whichone?”
“Youknow,theonewiththelittlepolkadotsthattiesaroundtheneck.Ishowedittoyou,like,twodaysago.”Taylorletoutanimpatientlittlesigh.
“Oh,yeah,”Isaid,butIstilldidn’trememberandIknewTaylorcouldtell.
Istartedtosaysomethingelse,somethingniceaboutthedress,butsuddenlyIfeltice-coldaluminumstickingtothebackofmyneck.IshriekedandtherewasCoryWheeler,croucheddownnexttomewithadrippingCokecaninhishand,laughinghisheadoff.
Isatupandglaredathim,wipingoffmyneck.Iwassosickoftoday.Ijustwantedtogohome.“Whatthecrap,Cory!”
Hewasstilllaughing,whichmadememadder.
Isaid,“God,you’resoimmature.”
“Butyoulookedreallyhot,”heprotested.“Iwastryingtocoolyouoff.”
Ididn’tanswerhim,Ijustkeptmyhandonthebackofmyneck.Myjawfeltreallytight,andIcouldfeelalltheothergirlsstaringatme.AndthenCory’ssmilesortofslippedawayandhesaid,“Sorry.YouwantthisCoke?”
Ishookmyhead,andheshruggedandretreatedbackovertothepool.IlookedoverandsawKatieandEvelynmakingwhat’s-her-problemfaces,andIfeltembarrassed.BeingmeantoCorywaslikebeingmeantoaGermanshepherdpuppy.Therewasjustnosenseinit.Toolate,ItriedtocatchCory’seye,buthedidn’tlookbackatme.
InalowvoiceTaylorsaid,“Itwasjustajoke,Belly.”
Ilaybackdownonmytowel,thistimefaceup.Itookadeepbreathandletitout,slowly.ThemusicfromMarcy’siPoddeckwasgivingmeaheadache.Itwastooloud.AndIactuallywasthirsty.IshouldhavetakenthatCokefromCory.
Taylorleanedoverandpushedupmysunglassessoshecouldseemyeyes.Shepeeredatme.“Areyoumad?”
“No.It’sjusttoohotouthere.”Iwipedsweatoffmyforeheadwiththebackofmyarm.
“Don’tbemad.Corycan’thelpbeinganidiotaroundyou.Helikesyou.”
“Corydoesn’tlikeme,”Isaid,lookingawayfromher.Buthesortofdidlikeme,andIknewit.Ijustwishedhedidn’t.
“Whatever,he’stotallyintoyou.Istillthinkyoushouldgivehimachance.It’lltakeyourmindoffofyou-know-who.”
Iturnedmyheadawayfromherandshesaid,“HowaboutIFrenchbraidyourhairforthepartytonight?IcandothefrontsectionandpinittothesidelikeIdidlasttime.”
“Okay.”
“Whatareyougoingtowear?”
“I’mnotsure.”
“Well,youhavetolookcutebecauseeverybody’sgonnabethere,”Taylorsaid.“I’llcomeoverearlyandwecangetreadytogether.”
JustinEttelbrickhadthrownabigblowoutbirthdaypartyeveryJulyfirstsincetheeighthgrade.ByJuly,IwasalreadyatCousinsBeach,andhomeandschoolandschoolfriendswereamillionmilesaway.I’dneveroncemindedmissingout,notevenwhenTaylortoldmeaboutthecottoncandymachinehisparentshadrentedoneyear,orthefancyfireworkstheyshotoffoverthelakeatmidnight
ItwasthefirstsummerIwouldbeathomeforJustin’spartyanditwasthefirstsummerIwasn’tgoingbacktoCousins.Andthat,Iminded.That,Imourned.I’dthoughtI’dbeinCousinseverysummerofmylife.ThesummerhousewastheonlyplaceIwantedtobe.ItwastheonlyplaceIeverwantedtobe.
“You’restillcoming,right?”Tayloraskedme.
“Yeah.ItoldyouIwas.”
Hernosewrinkled.“Iknow,but—”Taylor’svoicebrokeoff.“Nevermind.”
IknewTaylorwaswaitingforthingstogobacktonormalagain,tobelikebefore.Buttheycouldneverbelikebefore.Iwasnevergoingtobelikebefore.
Iusedtobelieve.IusedtothinkthatifIwanteditbadenough,wishedhardenough,everythingwouldworkoutthewayitwassupposedto.Destiny,likeSusannahsaid.IwishedforConradoneverybirthday,everyshootingstar,everylosteyelash,everypennyinafountainwasdedicatedtotheoneIloved.Ithoughtitwouldalwaysbethatway.
TaylorwantedmetoforgetaboutConrad,tojusterasehimfrommymindandmemory.Shekeptsayingthingslike,“Everybodyhastogetoverafirstlove,it’sariteofpassage.”ButConradwasn’tjustmyfirstlove.Hewasn’tsomeriteofpassage.Hewassomuchmorethanthat.HeandJeremiahandSusannahweremyfamily.Inmymemory,thethreeofthemwouldalwaysbeentwined,foreverlinked.Therecouldn’tbeonewithouttheothers.
IfIforgotConrad,ifIevictedhimfrommyheart,pretendedlikehewasneverthere,itwouldbelikedoingthosethingstoSusannah.Andthat,Icouldn’tdo.chaptertwo
ItusedtobethattheweekschoolletoutinJune,we’dpackupthecarandheadstraighttoCousins.MymotherwouldgotoCostcothedaybeforeandbuyjugsofapplejuiceandeconomy-sizeboxesofgranolabars,sunscreen,andwholegraincereal.WhenIbeggedforLuckyCharmsorCap’nCrunch,mymotherwouldsay,“Beckwillhaveplentyofcerealthat’llrotyourteethout,don’tyouworry.”Ofcourseshe’dberight.Susannah—Becktomymother—lovedherkidcereal,justlikeme.Wewentthroughalotofcerealatthesummerhouse.Itneverevenhadachancetogostale.Therewasonesummerwhentheboysatecerealforbreakfast,lunch,anddinner.Mybrother,Steven,wasFrostedFlakes,JeremiahwasCap’nCrunch,andConradwasCornPops.JeremiahandConradwereBeck’sboys,andtheylovedtheircereal.Me,Iatewhateverwasleftoverwithsugarontop.
I’dbeengoingtoCousinsmywholelife.We’dneverskippedasummer,notonce.Almostseventeenyearsofmeplayingcatch-uptotheboys,ofhopingandwishingthatonedayIwouldbeoldenoughtobeapartoftheircrew.Thesummerboyscrew.Ifinallymadeit,andnowitwastoolate.Inthepool,onthelastnightofthelastsummer,wesaidwe’dalwayscomeback.It’sscaryhoweasypromiseswerebroken.Justlikethat.
WhenIgothomelastsummer,Iwaited.AugustturnedintoSeptember,schoolstarted,andstillIwaited.Itwasn’tlikeConradandIhadmadeanydeclarations.Itwasn’tlikehewasmyboyfriend.Allwe’ddonewaskiss.Hewasgoingtocollege,wheretherewouldbeamillionothergirls.Girlswithoutcurfews,girlsonhishall,allsmarterandprettierthanme,allmysteriousandbrand-newinawaythatIcouldneverbe.
Ithoughtabouthimconstantly—whatitallmeant,whatweweretoeachothernow.Becausewecouldn’tgoback.IknewIcouldn’t.Whathappenedbetweenus—betweenmeandConrad,betweenmeandJeremiah—itchangedeverything.AndsowhenAugustandSeptemberbeganandstillthephonedidn’tring,allIhadtodowasthinkbacktothewayhe’dlookedatmethatlastnight,andIknewtherewasstillhope.IknewthatIhadn’timagineditall.Icouldn’thave.
Accordingtomymother,Conradwasallmovedintohisdormroom,hehadanannoyingroommatefromNewJersey,andSusannahworriedhewasn’tgettingenoughtoeat.Mymothertoldmethesethingscasually,offhandedly,soasnottoinjuremypride.Ineverpressedherformoreinformation.Thethingis,Iknewhe’dcall.Iknewit.AllIhadtodowaswait.
ThecallcamethesecondweekofSeptember,threeweekssincethelasttimeI’dseenhim.Iwaseatingstrawberryicecreaminthelivingroom,andStevenandIwerefightingovertheremotecontrol.ItwasaMondaynight,ninep.m.,primeTV-watchingtime.Thephonerang,andneitherStevennorImadeamovetograbit.WhoevergotupwouldlosethebattlefortheTV.
Mymotherpickeditupinheroffice.Shebroughtthephoneintothelivingroomandshesaid,“Belly,it’sforyou.It’sConrad.”Thenshewinked.
Everythinginmewentabuzz.Icouldheartheoceaninmyears.Therush,theroarinmyeardrums.Itwaslikeahigh.Itwasgolden.Ihadwaited,andthiswasmyreward!Beingright,beingpatient,neverfeltsogood.
Stevenwastheonetobreakmeoutofmyreverie.Frowning,hesaid,“WhywouldConradbecallingyou?”
Iignoredhimandtookthephonefrommymother.IwalkedawayfromSteven,fromtheremote,frommymeltingdishoficecream.Noneofitmattered.
ImadeConradwaituntilIwasonthestaircasebeforeIsaidanything.IsatdownonthestepsandIsaid,“Hey.”Itriedtokeepthesmileoffmyface;Iknewhewouldhearitoverthephone.
“Hey,”hesaid.“What’sup?”
“Nothingmuch.”
“Soguesswhat,”hesaid.“Myroommatesnoresevenlouderthanyoudo.”
Hecalledagainthenextnight,andthenightafter.Wetalkedforhoursatatime.Whenthephonerang,anditwasformeandnotSteven,he’dbeenconfusedatfirst.“WhydoesConradkeepcallingyou?”he’ddemanded.
“Whydoyouthink?Helikesme.Welikeeachother.”
Stevenhadnearlygagged.“He’slosthismind,”hesaid,shakinghishead.
“IsitsoimpossiblethatConradFisherwouldlikeme?”Iaskedhim,crossingmyarmsdefiantly.
Hedidn’tevenhavetothinkabouthisanswer.“Yes,”hesaid.“Itissoimpossible.”
Andhonestly,itwas.
Itwaslikeadream.Unreal.Afterallthatpiningandlongingandwishing,yearsandyearsofit,wholesummers’worth,hewascallingme.Helikedtalkingtome.Imadehimlaughevenwhenhedidn’twantto.Iunderstoodwhathewasgoingthrough,becauseIwassortofgoingthroughittoo.TherewereonlyafewpeopleintheworldwholovedSusannahthewaywedid.Ithoughtthatwouldbeenough.
Webecamesomething.Somethingthatwasneverexactlydefined,butitwassomething.Itwasreallysomething.
Afewtimes,hedrovethethreeandahalfhoursfromschooltomyhouse.Once,hespentthenightbecauseitgotsolatemymotherdidn’twanthimtodriveback.Conradstayedintheguestroom,andIlayinmybedawakeforhours,thinkingabouthowhewasasleepjustafewfeetaway,inmyhouseofallplaces.
IfStevenhadn’thungarounduslikesomekindofdisease,IknowConradwouldhaveatleasttriedtokissme.Butwithmybrotherarounditwasprettymuchimpossible.ConradandIwouldbewatchingTV,andStevenwouldploprightdownbetweenus.He’dtalktoConradaboutstuffIdidn’tknoworcareabout,likefootball.Onetime,afterdinner,IaskedConradifhewantedtogogetfrozencustardatBrusters,andStevenchimedrightinandsaid,“Soundsgoodtome.”Iglaredathim,buthejustgrinnedbackatme.AndthenConradtookmyhand,rightinfrontofSteven,andhesaid,“Let’sallgo.”Soweallwent,mymothertoo.Icouldn’tbelieveIwasgoingondateswithmymotherandmybrotherinthebackseat.
Butreally,italljustmadethatoneamazingnightinDecemberallthesweeter.ConradandIwentbacktoCousins,justthetwoofus.Perfectnightscomesorarely,butthatonewas.Perfect,Imean.Itwasthekindofnightworthwaitingfor.
I’mgladwehadthatnight.
BecausebyMay,itwasallover.chapterthree
IleftMarcy’shouseearly.ItoldTayloritwassoIcouldrestupforJustin’spartythatnight.Itwaspartlytrue.Ididwanttorest,butIdidn’tcareabouttheparty.AssoonasIgothome,IputonmybigCousinsT-shirt,filledawaterbottlewithgrapesodaandcrushedice,andIwatchedTVuntilmyheadhurt.
Itwaspeacefully,blissfullysilent.JustthesoundsoftheTVandtheairconditioningkickingoffandon.Ihadthehousetomyself.StevenhadasummerjobatBestBuy.Hewassavingupforafifty-inchflatscreenhe’dtaketocollegewithhiminthefall.Mymotherwashome,butshespentalldaylockedawayinheroffice,catchinguponwork,shesaid.
Iunderstood.IfIwereher,I’dwanttobealonetoo.
Taylorcameoveraroundsix,armedwithherhotpinkVictoria’sSecretmakeupbag.ShewalkedintothelivingroomandsawmelyingonthecouchinmyCousinsT-shirtandfrowned.“Belly,youhaven’tevenshoweredyet?”
“Itookashowerthismorning,”Isaid,notgettingup.
“Yeah,andyoulaidoutinthesunallday.”ShegrabbedmyarmsandIletherliftmeintoasittingposition.“Hurryupandgetintotheshower.”
IfollowedherupstairsandshewenttomybedroomwhileIwenttothehallbathroom.Itookthefastestshowerofmylife.Lefttoherowndevices,Taylorwasabigsnoopandwouldpokearoundmyroomlikeitwashers.
WhenIcameoutTaylorwassittingonmyfloorinfrontofmymirror.Briskly,sheblendedbronzerontohercheeks.“Wantmetodoyourmakeuptoo?”
“Nothanks,”Itoldher.“CloseyoureyeswhileIputonmyclothes,okay?”
Sherolledhereyesandthenclosedthem.“Belly,you’resuchaprude.”
“Idon’tcareifIam,”Isaid,puttingonmyunderwearandmybra.ThenIputmyCousinsT-shirtonagain.“Okay,youcanlook.”
Tayloropenedhereyesupsuperwideandsheappliedhermascara.“Icoulddoyournails,”sheoffered.“Ihavethreenewcolors.”
“Nah,there’snopoint.”Iheldupmyhands.Mynailswerebittendowntothequick.
Taylorgrimaced.“Well,whatareyouwearing?”
“This,”Isaid,hidingmysmile.IpointeddownatmyCousinsT-shirt.I’dwornitsomanytimesithadtinyholesaroundtheneckanditwassoftasablankie.IwishedIcouldwearittotheparty.
“Veryfunny,”shesaid,shimmyingovertomyclosetonherknees.Shestoodupandstartedriflingaround,pushinghangersovertotheside,likeshedidn’talreadyknoweveryarticleofclothingIownedbyheart.UsuallyIdidn’tmind,buttodayIfeltsortofitchyandbotheredbyeverything.
Itoldher,“Don’tworryaboutit.I’mjustgoingtowearmycutoffsandatanktop.”
“Belly,peoplegetdressedupforJustin’sparties.You’veneverbeensoyouwouldn’tknow,butyoucan’tjustwearyouroldcutoffs.”Taylorpulledoutmywhitesundress.ThelasttimeI’dwornithadbeenlastsummer,atthatpartywithCam.Susannahhadtoldmethedresssetmeofflikeapictureframe.
IgotupandtookthedressfromTaylorandputitbackintomycloset.“That’sstained,”Isaid.“I’llfindsomethingelse.”
Taylorsatbackdowninfrontofthemirrorandsaid,“Well,thenwearthatblackdresswiththelittleflowers.Itmakesyourboobslookamazing.”
“It’suncomfortable;it’stootight,”Itoldher.
“Prettyplease?”
Sighing,Itookitoffthehangerandputiton.SometimesitwaseasiertojustgiveinwithTaylor.We’dbeenfriends,bestfriends,sincewewerelittlekids.We’dbeenbestfriendssolongitwasmorelikeahabit,thekindofthingyoudidn’treallyhaveasayinanymore.
“See,thatlookshot.”Shecameoverandzippedmeup.“Now,let’stalkaboutourplanofaction.”
“Whatplanofaction?”
“IthinkyouandCoryWheelershouldmakeoutattheparty.”
“Taylor—”
Sheliftedherhand.“Justhearmeout.Cory’ssuper-niceandhe’ssupercute.Ifheworkedonhisbodyandgotalittledefinition,hecouldbe,like,Abercrombiehot.”
Isnorted.“Please.”
“Well,he’satleastascuteasC-word.”Shenevercalledhimbyhisnameanymore.Nowhewasjust“you-know-who,”or“C-word.”
“Taylor,quitpushingme.Ican’tbeoverhimjustbecauseyouwantmeto.”
“Can’tyouatleasttry?”shewheedled.“Corycouldbeyourrebound.Hewouldn’tmind.”
“IfyoubringupCoryonemoretime,I’mnotgoingtotheparty,”Itoldher,andImeantit.Infact,IkindofhopedshewouldbringhimupagainsoI’dhaveanexcusenottogo.
Hereyeswidened.“Okay,okay.Sorry.Mylipsaresealed.”
Thenshegrabbedhermakeupbagandsatdownontheedgeofmybed,andIsatdownatherfeet.Shepulledoutacombandsectionedoffmyhair.Shebraidedquickly,withfastandsurefingers,andwhenshewasdone,shepinnedthebraidoverthecrownofmyhead,totheside.Neitherofusspokewhilesheworkeduntilshesaid,“Iloveyourhairlikethis.YoulooksortofNativeAmerican,likeaCherokeeprincessorsomething.”
Istartedtolaugh,butthenIstoppedmyself.Taylorcaughtmyeyeinthemirrorandsaid,“It’sokaytolaugh,youknow.It’sokayforyoutohavefun.”
“Iknow,”Isaid,butIdidn’t.
BeforeweleftIstoppedbymymother’soffice.Shewassittingatherdeskwithfoldersandstacksofpapers.Susannahhadmademymotherexecutorofherwill,andtherewasalotofpaperworkinvolvedwiththat,Iguessed.MymotherwasonthephonewithSusannah’slawyeralot,goingoverthings.Shewantedittogoperfect,Beck’slastwishes.
SusannahhadleftbothStevenandmesomecollegemoney.She’dalsoleftmejewelry.AsapphiretennisbraceletIcouldn’tpicturemyselfeverwearing.Adiamondnecklaceformyweddingday—she’dwrittenthatspecifically.Opalearringsandanopalring.Thoseweremyfavorite.
“Mom?”
Shelookedupatme.“Yes?”
“Haveyouhaddinner?”Iknewshehadn’t.Shehadn’tleftherofficesinceI’dbeenhome.
“I’mnothungry,”shesaid.“Ifthereisn’tanyfoodinthefridge,youcancallforapizzaifyouwant.”
“Icanfixyouasandwich,”Ioffered.I’dgonetothestoreearlierthatweek.StevenandIhadbeentakingturns.IdoubtedsheevenknewitwasFourthofJulyweekend.
“No,that’sallright.I’llcomedownandfixmyselfsomethinglater.”
“Okay.”Ihesitated.“TaylorandIaregoingtoaparty.Iwon’tbehometoolate.”
Partofmehopedshe’dtellmetostayhome.Partofmewantedtooffertostayandkeephercompany,toseeifshemaybewantedtoseewhatwasonTurnerClassicMovies,popsomepopcorn.
She’dalreadygonebacktoherpaperwork.Shewaschewingonherballpointpen.“Soundsgood,”shesaid.“Becareful.”
Iclosedthedoorbehindme.
Taylorwaswaitingformeinthekitchen,textingonherphone.“Let’shurryupandgoalready.”
“Holdon,Ijusthavetodoonelastthing.”Iwentovertothefridgeandpulledoutstuffforaturkeysandwich.Mustard,cheese,whitebread.
“Belly,there’sgonnabefoodattheparty.Don’teatthatnow.”
“It’sformymom,”Isaid.
Imadethesandwich,putitonaplate,covereditwithplasticwrap,andleftitonthecounterwhereshe’dseeit.
Justin’spartywaseverythingTaylorsaiditwouldbe.Halfourclasswasthere,andJustin’sparentswerenowhereinsight.Tikilampslinedtheyard,andhisspeakerswerepracticallyvibrating,themusicwassoloud.Girlsweredancingalready.
Therewasabigkegandabigredcooler.Justinwasmanningthegrill,flippingsteaksandbratwurst.HehadaKisstheChefapronon.
“Asifanybodywouldmakeoutwithhim.”Taylorsniffed.TaylorhadmadeaplayforJustinatthebeginningoftheyear,beforeshe’dsettledonherboyfriend,Davis.SheandJustinhadgoneoutafewtimesbeforehe’dblownheroffforasenior.
I’dforgottentoputonbugspray,andthemosquitoeswereeatingmefordinner.Ikeptbendingdowntoscratchmylegs,andIwasgladtodoit.Gladtohavesomethingtodo.IwasafraidofaccidentallymakingeyecontactwithCory.Hewashangingoutbythepool.
Peopleweredrinkingbeeroutofredplasticcups.Taylorgotusbothwinecoolers.MinewasFuzzyNavel.Itwassyrupyandittastedlikechemicals.ItooktwosipsbeforeIthrewitaway.
ThenTaylorspottedDavisoverbythebeerpongtableandsheputherfingertoherlipsandgrabbedmyhand.WewalkedupbehindhimandTaylorslippedherarmsaroundhisback.“Gotcha!”shesaid.
Heturnedaroundandtheykissedliketheyhadn’tjustseeneachotherafewhoursago.Istoodthereforaminute,awkwardlyholdingontomypurse,lookingeverywherebutatthem.HisnamewasactuallyBenDavis,buteveryonecalledhimDavis.Daviswasreallycute;hehaddimplesandgreeneyeslikeseaglass.Andhewasshort,whichatfirstTaylorsaidwasadealbreakerbutnowclaimednottomindsomuch.IhatedridingtoschoolwiththembecausetheyheldhandstheentiretimewhileIsatinthebacklikethekid.Theybrokeupatleastonceamonth,andthey’donlybeendatingsinceApril.Duringonebreakup,he’dcalledher,crying,tryingtogetbacktogether,andTaylorhadputhimonspeaker.I’dfeltguiltyforlisteningbutatthesametimeenviousandsortofawestruckthathecaredthatmuch,enoughtocry.
“Pete’sgonnagotakeapiss,”Davissaid,hookinghisarmaroundTaylor’swaist.“Willyoustayandbemypartneruntilhecomesback?”
Shelookedoveratmeandshookherhead.Shesteppedoutofhisgrasp.“Ican’tleaveBelly.”
Ishotheralook.“Taylor,youdon’tneedtobabysitme.Youshouldplay.”
“Areyousure?”
“Sure,I’msure.”
Iwalkedawaybeforeshecouldarguewithme.IsaidhitoMarcy,toFrankiewhoIusedtoridethebuswithinmiddleschool,toAlicewhowasmybestfriendinkindergarten,toSimonwhoIwasonyearbookwith.I’dknownmostofthesekidsmywholelifeandyetI’dneverfeltmorehomesickforCousins.
OutofthecornerofmyeyeIsawTaylorchattingitupwithCory,andImadearunforitbeforeshecouldcallmeover.IgrabbedasodaandImademywayovertothetrampoline.TherewasnooneonityetsoIkickedoffmyflip-flopsandclimbedon.Ilaiddownrightinthemiddle,carefultoholdmyskirtclosetome.Thestarswereout,littlebrightdiamondflecksinthesky.IgulpeddownmyCoke,burpedafewtimes,lookedaroundtoseeifanyonehadheardme.Butno,everyonewasbackbythehouse.ThenItriedtocountstars,whichisprettymuchassillyastryingtocountgrainsofsand,butIdiditanywaybecauseitwassomethingtodo.IwonderedwhenI’dbeabletosneakawayandgobackhome.We’dtakenmycar,andTaylorcouldgetaridehomewithDavis.ThenIwonderedifitwouldlookweirdifIwrappedupafewhotdogstotakewithmeforlater.
Ihadn’tthoughtaboutSusannahintwohours,atleast.MaybeTaylorwasright,maybethiswaswhereIwassupposedtobe.IfIkeptwishingforCousins,keptlookingback,Iwouldbedoomedforever.
AsIwasthinkingthisover,CoryWheelerclimbedupontothetrampolineandmadehiswaytothemiddle,towhereIwas.Helaiddownrightnexttomeandsaid,“Hey,Conklin.”
SincewhenwereCoryandIonalast-namebasis?Sincenever.
AndthenIwentaheadandsaid,“Hey,Wheeler.”Itriednottolookathim.Itriedtoconcentrateoncountingstarsandnotonhowclosehewastome.
Coryproppedhimselfupononeelbowandsaid,“Havingfun?”
“Sure.”Mystomachwasstartingtohurt.RunningawayfromCorywasgivingmeanulcer.
“Seenanyshootingstarsyet?”
“Notyet.”
Corysmelledlikecologneandbeerandsweat,andoddlyenough,itwasn’tabadcombination.Thecricketsweresoloudandthepartyseemedreallyfaraway.
“So,Conklin.”
“Yeah?”
“Areyoustillseeingthatguyyoubroughttoprom?Theonewiththeunibrow?”
Ismiled.Icouldn’thelpit.“Conraddoesn’thaveaunibrow.Andno.We,um,brokeup.”
“Cool,”hesaid,andthewordhungintheair.
Thiswasoneofthosefork-in-the-roadkindofmoments.Thenightcouldgoeitherway.IfIleanedinjustalittletomyleft,Icouldkisshim.IcouldclosemyeyesandletmyselfgetlostinCoryWheeler.Icouldgorightonforgetting.Pretending.
ButeventhoughCorywascute,andhewasnice,hewasnoConrad.Notevenclose.Corywassimple,hewaslikeacrewcut,allcleanlinesandeverythinggoinginthesamedirection.NotConrad.Conradcouldturnmyinsidesoutwithonelook,onesmile.
Coryreachedoverandflickedmyarmplayfully.“So,Conklin…maybewe—”
Isatup.IsaidthefirstthingIcouldthinkof.“Shoot,I’vegottapee.I’llseeyoulater,Cory!”
IscrambledoffthetrampolineasfastIcould,foundmyflip-flops,andheadedbacktowardthehouse.IspottedTaylorbythepoolandmadeabeelineforher.“Ineedtotalktoyou,”Ihissed.
Igrabbedherhandandpulledheroverbythesnacktable.“Like,fivesecondsago,CoryWheeleralmostaskedmeout.”
“And?Whatdidyousay?”Taylor’seyesweregleaming,andIhatedhowsmugshelooked,likeeverythingwasgoingaccordingtoplan.
“IsaidIhadtopee,”Itoldher.
“Belly!Getyourbuttbackovertothattrampolineandmakeoutwithhim!”
“Taylor,wouldyoustop?ItoldyouIwasn’tinterestedinCory.Isawyoutalkingtohimearlier.Didyoumakehimaskmeout?”
Shegavealittleshrug.“Well…he’sbeenintoyouallyearandhe’sbeentakinghissweettimeaskingyouout.Imighthavegentlypushedhimintherightdirection.Youguyslookedsocuteonthetrampolinetogether.”
Ishookmyhead.“Ireallywishyouhadn’tdonethat.”
“Iwasjusttryingtotakeyourmindoffthings!”
“Well,Idon’tneedyoutodothat,”Isaid.
“Yes,youdoso.”
Westaredateachotherforaminute.Somedays,dayslikethis,Iwantedtowringherneck.Shewasjustsobossyallthetime.IwasgettingprettysickofTaylorpushingmeinthisdirectionandthatdirection,dressingmeuplikeoneofhershabbier,lessfortunatedolls.Ithadalwaysbeenlikethiswithus.
Butthethingwas,Ifinallyhadarealexcusetoleave,andIwasrelieved.Isaid,“IthinkI’mgonnagohome.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Wejustgothere.”
“I’mjustnotinthemoodtobehere,okay?”
Iguessshewasgettingsickofmetoo,becauseshesaid,“Thisisstartingtogetold,Belly.You’vebeenmopingaroundformonths.It’snothealthy….Mymomthinksyoushouldseesomeone.”
“What?You’vebeentalkingtoyourmomaboutme?”Iglaredather.“TellyourmomtosaveherpsychiatricadviceforEllen.”
Taylorgasped.“Ican’tbelieveyoujustsaidthattome.”
Theircat,Ellen,hadseasonalaffectivedisorder,accordingtoTaylor’smother.Theyhadheronantidepressantsallwinter,andwhenshewasstillmoodyinthespring,theysentEllentoacatwhisperer.Itdidn’tdoanygood.Inmyopinion,Ellenwasjustplainmean.
Itookabreath.“IlistenedtoyoucryaboutEllenformonths,andthenSusannahdiesandyouwantmetojustmakeoutwithCoryandplaybeerpongandforgetabouther?Well,I’msorry,butIcan’t.”
Taylorlookedaroundquicklybeforesheleanedcloserandsaid,“Don’tactlikeSusannah’stheonlythingyou’resadabout,Belly.You’resadaboutConrad,too,andyouknowit.”
Icouldn’tbelieveshesaidthattome.Itstung.Itstungbecauseitwastrue.Butitwasstillalowblow.MyfatherusedtocallTaylorindomitable.Shewas.Butforbetterorforworse,TaylorJewelwasapartofme,andIwasapartofher.
Notaltogethermeanly,Isaid.“Wecan’tallbelikeyou,Taylor.”
“Youcantry,”shesuggested,smilingalittle.“Listen,I’msorryabouttheCorything.Ijustwantyoutobehappy.”
“Iknow.”
Sheputherarmaroundme,andIlether.“It’sgoingtobeanamazingsummer,you’llsee.”
“Amazing,”Iechoed.Iwasn’tlookingforamazing.Ijustwantedtogetby.Tokeepmoving.IfImadeitthroughthissummer,thenextonewouldbeeasier.Ithadtobe.
SoIstayedalittlewhilelonger.IsatontheporchwithDavisandTaylorandIwatchedCoryflirtwithasophomoregirl.Iateahotdog.ThenIwenthome
Athomethesandwichwasstillonthecounter,stillwrappedinplastic.IputitinthefridgeandIheadedupstairs.Mymother’sbedroomlightwason,butIdidn’tgointosaygoodnight.IwentstraighttomyroomandgotbackintomybigCousinsT-shirtandundidmybraid,brushedmyteeth,andwashedmyface.ThenIgotunderthecoversandlayinbed,justthinking.Ithought,Sothisiswhatlifeislikenow.WithoutSusannah,withouttheboys.
Ithadbeentwomonths.I’dsurvivedJune.Ithoughttomyself,Icandothis.IcangotothemovieswithTaylorandDavis,IcanswiminMarcy’spool,maybeIcanevengooutwithCoryWheeler.IfIdothosethings,itwillbeallright.Maybelettingmyselfforgethowgooditusedtobewillmakethingseasier.
ButwhenIsleptthatnight,IdreamedofSusannahandthesummerhouse,andeveninmysleepIknewexactlyhowgooditusedtobe.Howrightitwas.Andnomatterwhatyoudoorhowhardyoutry,youcan’tstopyourselffromdreaming.chapterfour
JEREMIAH
Seeingyourdadcryreallymesseswithyourmind.Maybenotforsomepeople.Maybesomepeoplehavedadswhoarecoolwithcryingandareintouchwiththeiremotions.Notmydad.He’snotacrier,andheforsureneverencouragedustocryeither.Butatthehospital,andthenatthefuneralhome,hecriedlikealostlittlekid.
Mymomdiedearlyinthemorning.Everythinghappenedsofast,ittookmeaminutetocatchupandrealizeitwasallreallyhappening.Itdoesn’thityourightaway.Butlaterthatnight,thefirstnightwithouther,itwasjustmeandConradatthehouse.Thefirsttimewe’dbeenaloneindays.
Thehousewassoquiet.OurdadwasatthefuneralhomewithLaurel.Therelativeswereatahotel.ItwasjustmeandCon.Allday,peoplehadbeeninandoutofthehouse,andnowitwasjustus.
Weweresittingatthekitchentable.Peoplehadsentoverallkindsofstuff.Fruitbaskets,sandwichplatters,acoffeecake.AbigtinofbuttercookiesfromCostco.
Itoreoffachunkofthecoffeecakeandstuffeditintomymouth.Itwasdry.Itoreoffanotherchunkandatethattoo.“Youwantsome?”IaskedConrad.
“Nah,”hesaid.Hewasdrinkingmilk.Iwondereditifwasold.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeanybodyhadbeentothestore.
“What’shappeningtomorrow?”Iasked.“Iseveryonecomingoverhere?”
Conradshrugged.“Probably,”hesaid.Hehadamilkmustache.
Thatwasallwesaidtoeachother.Hewentupstairstohisroom,andIcleanedupthekitchen.AndthenIwastired,andIwentuptoo.IthoughtaboutgoingtoConrad’sroom,becauseeventhoughweweren’tsayinganything,itwasbetterwhenweweretogether,lesslonely.Istoodinthehallwayforasecond,abouttoknock,andthenIheardhimcrying.Chokedsobs.Ididn’tgoinside.Ilefthimalone.Iknewthat’sthewayhewouldwantit.IwenttomyownroomandIgotintobed.Icriedtoo.chapterfive
Iworemyoldglassestothefuneral,theoneswiththeredplasticframes.Theywerelikeputtingonatoo-tightcoatfromalongtimeago.Theymademedizzy,butIdidn’tcare.Susannahalwayslikedmeinthoseglasses.ShesaidIlookedlikethesmartestgirlintheroom,thekindofgirlwhowasgoingsomewhereandknewexactlyhowshewasgoingtogetthere.Iworemyhairhalfwayup,becausethatwasthewayshelikedit.Shesaiditshowedmyfaceoff.
Itfeltliketherightthingtodo,tolookthewayshelikedmebest.EventhoughIknewsheonlysaidthosethingstomakemefeelbetter,theystillfelttrue.IbelievedeverythingSusannahsaid.Ievenbelievedherwhenshesaidshe’dneverleave.Ithinkwealldid,evenmymother.Wewereallsurprisedwhenithappened,andevenwhenitbecameinevitable,afact,weneverreallybelievedit.Itseemedimpossible.NotourSusannah,notBeck.Youalwayshearaboutpeoplegettingbetter,beatingtheodds.IwassureSusannahwouldbeoneofthem.Evenifitwasonlyaoneinamillionchance.Shewasoneinamillion.
Thingsgotbadfast.SobadthatmymotherwasshuttlingbetweenSusannah’shouseinBostonandours,everyotherweekendatfirstandthenmorefrequently.Shehadtotakealeaveofabsencefromwork.ShehadaroomatSusannah’shouse.
Thecallcameearlyinthemorning.Itwasstilldarkout.Itwasbadnews,ofcourse;badnewsistheonlykindthatreallycan’twait.AssoonasIheardthephonering,eveninmysleep,Iknew.Susannahwasgone.Ilaythereinmybed,waitingformymothertocomeandtellme.Icouldhearhermovingaroundinherroom,heardtheshowerrunning.
Whenshedidn’tcome,Iwenttoherroom.Shewaspacking,herhairstillwet.Shelookedoveratme,hereyestiredandempty.“Beck’sgone,”shesaid.Andthatwasit.
Icouldfeelmyinsidessink.Mykneestoo.SoIsatontheground,againstthewall,lettingitsupportme.IthoughtIknewwhatheartbreakfeltlike.Ithoughtheartbreakwasme,standingaloneattheprom.Thatwasnothing.This,thiswasheartbreak.Thepaininyourchest,theachebehindyoureyes.Theknowingthatthingswillneverbethesameagain.It’sallrelative,Isuppose.Youthinkyouknowlove,youthinkyouknowrealpain,butyoudon’t.Youdon’tknowanything.
I’mnotsurewhenIstartedcrying.WhenIgotstarted,Icouldn’tstop.Icouldn’tbreathe.
Mymothercrossedtheroomandkneltdownonthefloorwithme,huggingme,rockingmebackandforth.Butshedidn’tcry.Shewasn’teventhere.Shewasanuprightreed,anemptyharbor.
MymotherdroveuptoBostonthatsameday.Theonlyreasonshe’devenbeenathomethatdayhadbeentocheckonmeandgetachangeofclothes.She’dthoughtthere’dbemoretime.Sheshould’vebeenthere,whenSusannahdied.Ifonlyfortheboys.Iwassureshewasthinkingthesamethoughts.
Inherbestprofessorvoice,shetoldStevenandmethatwewoulddriveourselvesupintwodays,thedayofthefuneral.Shedidn’twantusinthewayoffuneralpreparations;therewasalotofworktobedone.Endsinneedoftyingup.
Mymotherhadbeennamedexecutorofthewill,andofcourseSusannahhadknownexactlywhatshewasdoingwhenshe’dpickedher.Itwastruethattherewasnoonebetterforthejob,thatthey’dbeengoingoverthingsevenbeforeSusannahdied.Butevenmorethanthat,mymotherwasatherbestwhenshewasbusy,doingthings.Shedidnotfallapart,notwhenshewasneeded.No,mymotherrosetotheoccasion.IwishedthatwasageneI’dinherited.BecauseIwasataloss.Ididn’tknowwhattodowithmyself.
IthoughtaboutcallingConrad.Ievendialedhisnumberafewtimes.ButIcouldn’tdoit.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Iwasafraidofsayingthewrongthings,ofmakingthingsworse.AndthenIthoughtaboutcallingJeremiah.Butitwasthefearthatkeptmeback.IknewthatthemomentIcalled,themomentIsaiditoutloud,itwouldbetrue.Shewouldreallybegone.
Onthedriveup,weweremostlyquiet.Steven’sonlysuit,theonehe’djustworntoprom,waswrappedinplasticandhunginthebackseat.Ihadn’tbotheredtohangupmydress.“Whatwillwesaytothem?”Iaskedatlast.
“Idon’tknow,”headmitted.“TheonlyfuneralI’veeverbeentoisAuntShirle’s,andshewasreallyold.”Iwastooyoungtorememberthatfuneral.
“Wherewillwestaytonight?Susannah’shouse?”
“Noidea.”
“HowdoyousupposeMr.Fisher’shandlingit?”Icouldn’tbringmyselftopictureConradorJeremiah,notyet.
“Whiskey,”wasSteven’sanswer.
AfterthatIstoppedaskingquestions.
Wechangedintoourclothesatagasstationthirtymilesfromthefuneralhome.AssoonasIsawhowneatandpressedSteven’ssuitwas,Iregrettednothangingupmydress.Backinthecar,Ikeptsmoothingdowntheskirtwithmypalms,butitdidn’thelp.Mymotherhadtoldmethatrayonwaspointless;Ishouldhavelistened.IalsoshouldhavetrieditonbeforeIpackedit.ThelasttimeIworeitwastoareceptionatmymother’suniversitythreeyearsago,andnowitwastoosmall.
Wegotthereearly,earlyenoughtofindmymotherbustlingaround,arrangingflowersandtalkingtoMr.Browne,thefuneraldirector.Assoonasshesawme,shefrowned.“Youshouldhaveironedthatdress,Belly,”shesaid.
IbitmybottomliptokeepfromsayingsomethingIknewIwouldregret.“Therewasn’tanytime,”Isaid,eventhoughtherehadbeen.Therehadbeenplentyoftime.Ituggeddowntheskirtsoitdidn’tlooksoshort.
Shenoddedtersely.“Gofindtheboys,willyou?Belly,talktoConrad.”
StevenandIexchangedalook.WhatwouldIsay?Ithadbeenamonthsinceprom,sincewe’dlastspoken.
Wefoundtheminasideroom,ithadpewsandtissueboxesunderlacquercovers.Jeremiah’sheadwasbent,likehewaspraying,somethingI’dneverknownhimtodo.Conradsatstraight,hisshoulderssquared,staringintonowhere.“Hey,”Stevensaid,clearinghisthroat.Hemovedtowardthem,huggingthemroughly.
ItoccurredtomethatI’dneverseenJeremiahinasuitbefore.Itlookedalittletootight;hewasuncomfortable,hekepttuggingathisneck.Buthisshoeslookednew.Iwonderedifmymotherhadhelpedpickthemout.
WhenitwasmyturnIhurriedovertoJeremiahandhuggedhimashardasIcould.Hefeltstiffinmyarms.“Thanksforcoming,”hesaid,hisvoiceoddlyformal.
Ihadthisfleetingthoughtthatmaybehewasmadatme,butIpusheditawayasquicklyasithadcome.Ifeltguiltyforeventhinkingit.ThiswasSusannah’sfuneral,whywouldhebethinkingaboutme?
Ipattedhisbackawkwardly,myhandmovinginsmallcircles.Hiseyeswereimpossiblyblue,whichwaswhathappenedwhenhecried.
“I’mreallysorry,”Isaidandimmediatelyregrettedsayingit,becausethewordsweresoineffectual.Theydidn’tconveywhatIreallymeant,howIreallyfelt.“I’msorry”wasjustaspointlessasrayon.
ThenIlookedatConrad.Hewassittingbackdownagain,hisbackstiff,hiswhiteshirtonebigwrinkle.“Hey,”Isaid,sittingdownnexttohim.
“Hey,”hesaid.Iwasn’tsureifIshouldhughimorleavehimbe.SoIsqueezedhisshoulder,andhedidn’tsayanything.Hewasmadeofstone.Imadeapromisetomyself:Iwouldnotleavehissideallday.Iwouldberightthere,Iwouldbeatowerofstrength,justlikemymother.
MymotherandStevenandIsatinthefourthpew,behindConradandJeremiah’scousinsandMr.Fisher’sbrotherandhiswife,whowaswearingtoomuchperfume.Ithoughtmymothershouldbeinthefirstrow,andItoldherso,inawhisper.Shesneezedandtoldmeitdidn’tmatter.Iguessedshewasright.Thenshetookoffhersuitjacketanddrapeditovermybarethighs.
Iturnedaroundonceandsawmyfatherintheback.Forsomereason,Ihadn’texpectedtoseehimthere.Whichwasweird,becausehe’dknownSusannahtoo,soitonlymadesensethathe’dbeatherfuneral.Igavehimalittlewave,andhewavedback.
“Dad’shere,”Iwhisperedtomymother.
“Ofcourseheis,”shesaid.Shedidn’tlookback.
JeremiahandConrad’sschoolfriendssatinabunchtogether,towardtheback.Theylookedawkwardandoutofplace.Theguyskepttheirheadsdownandthegirlswhisperedtooneanothernervously.
Theservicewaslong.ApreacherI’dnevermetdeliveredtheeulogy.HesaidnicethingsaboutSusannah.Hecalledherkind,compassionate,graceful,andshewasallofthosethings,butitsoundedalotlikehe’dnevermether.Ileanedinclosetomymothertotellherso,butshewasnoddingalongwithhim.
IthoughtIwouldn’tcryagain,butIdid,alot.Mr.Fishergotupandthankedeveryoneforcoming,tolduswewerewelcometocomebythehouseafterwardforareception.Hisvoicebrokeafewtimes,buthemanagedtokeepittogether.WhenIlastsawhim,hewastanandconfidentandtall.Seeinghimthatday,helookedlikeamanwhowaslostinasnowstorm.Shouldershunched,facepale.Ithoughtabouthowharditmustbeforhimtostandupthere,infrontofeverybodywholovedher.Hehadcheatedonher,leftherwhensheneededhimmost,butintheend,hehadshownup.He’dheldherhandthoselastfewweeks.Maybehe’dthoughtthere’dbemoretimetoo.
Itwasaclosedcasket.Susannahtoldmymothershedidn’twanteverybodygawkingatherwhenshedidn’tlookherbest.Deadpeoplelookedfake,sheexplained.Liketheyweremadeofwax.Iremindedmyselfthatthepersoninsidethecoffinwasn’tSusannah,thatitdidn’tmatterwhatshelookedlikebecauseshewasalreadygone.
Whenitwasover,afterwe’dsaidtheLord’sPrayer,weformedourprocessional,everybodytakingtheirturntooffercondolences.Ifeltstrangelyadultthere,standingwithmymotherandmybrother.Mr.Fisherleaneddownandgavemeastiffhug,hiseyeswet.HeshookSteven’shandandwhenhehuggedmymother,shewhisperedsomethinginhisearandhenodded.
WhenIhuggedJeremiah,wewerebothcryingsohard,wewereholdingeachotherup.Hisshoulderskeptshaking.
WhenIhuggedConrad,Iwantedtosaysomething,tocomforthim.Somethingbetterthan“I’msorry.”Butitwasoversoquick,therewasn’tanytimetosaymorethanthat.Ihadawholelineofpeoplebehindme,allwaitingtopaytheircondolencestoo.
Thecemeterywasn’tveryfar.Myheelskeptstickingintheground.Itmusthaverainedthedaybefore.BeforetheyloweredSusannahintothewetground,ConradandJeremiahbothputawhiteroseontopofthecoffin,andthentherestofusaddedmoreflowers.Ipickedapinkpeony.Someonesangahymn.Whenitwasover,Jeremiahdidn’tmove.Hestoodrightwherehergravewasgoingtobe,andhecried.Itwasmymotherwhowenttohim.Shetookhimbythehand,andshespoketohimsoftly.
BackatSusannah’shouse,JeremiahandStevenandIslippedawaytoJeremiah’sbedroom.Wesatonhisbedinourfancyclothes.“Where’sConrad?”Isaid.Ihadn’tforgottenmyvowtostaybyhisside,buthewasmakingithard,thewayhekeptdisappearing.
“Let’sleavehimaloneforawhile,”Jeremiahsaid.“Areyouguyshungry?”
Iwas,butIdidn’twanttosayso.“Areyou?”
“Yeah,sortof.There’sfooddownstairs.”Hisvoicelingeredontheword“downstairs.”Iknewhedidn’twanttogodownthereandfaceallthosepeople,havetoseethepityintheireyes.Howsad,they’dsay,lookatthosetwoyoungboyssheleftbehind.Hisfriendshadn’tcometothehouse;they’dleftrightaftertheburial.Itwasalladultsdownthere.
“I’llgo,”Ioffered.
“Thanks,”hesaidgratefully.
Igotupandshutthedoorbehindme.InthehallwayIstoppedtolookattheirfamilyportraits.Theyweremattedandframedinblack,allthesamekindofframe.Inonepicture,Conradwaswearingabowtieandhewasmissinghisfrontteeth.Inanother,JeremiahwaseightornineandhehadontheRedSoxcapherefusedtotakeofffor,like,awholesummer.Hesaiditwasaluckyhat;heworeiteverydayforthreemonths.Everycoupleofweeks,Susannahwouldwashitandthenputitbackinhisroomwhileheslept.
Downstairstheadultsweremillingaround,drinkingcoffeeandtalkinginhushedvoices.Mymotherstoodatthebuffettable,cuttingcakeforstrangers.Theywerestrangerstome,anyway.Iwonderedifsheknewthem,iftheyknewwhoshewastoSusannah,howshewasherbestfriend,howthey’dspenteverysummertogetherforalmosttheirwholelives.
Igrabbedtwoplatesandmymotherhelpedmeloadthemup.“Areyouguysallrightupstairs?”sheaskedme,puttingawedgeofbluecheeseontheplate.
Inoddedandsliditrightbackoff.“Jeremiahdoesn’tlikebluecheese,”Itoldher.ThenItookahandfulofwatercrackersandaclusterofgreengrapes.“HaveyouseenConrad?”
“Ithinkhe’sinthebasement,”shesaid.Rearrangingthecheeseplate,sheadded,“Whydon’tyougocheckonhimandbringhimaplate?I’lltakethisoneuptotheboys.”
“Okay.”IpickeduptheplateandcrossedthediningroomjustasJeremiahandStevencamedownstairs.IstoodthereandwatchedJeremiahstopandtalktopeople,lettingthemhughimandgrasphishand.Oureyesmet,andIliftedmyhandandwaveditjustbarely.Heliftedhisanddidthesame,rollinghiseyesalittleatthewomanclutchinghisarm.Susannahwouldhavebeenproud.
ThenIheadeddownstairs,tothebasement.Thebasementwascarpetedandsoundproofed.SusannahhaditsetupwhenConradtookuptheelectricguitar.
Itwasdark;Conradhadn’tturnedthelightson.Iwaitedformyeyestoadjust,andthenIcreptdownthestairs,feelingmyway.
Ifoundhimsoonenough.Hewaslyingdownonthecouchwithhisheadinagirl’slap.Shewasrunningherhandsalongthetopofhishead,liketheybelongedthere.Eventhoughsummerhadjustbarelystarted,shewastan.Hershoeswereoff,herbarelegswerestretchedoutontopofthecoffeetable.AndConrad,hewasstrokingherleg.
Everythinginmeseizedup,pulledintight.
Ihadseenheratthefuneral.I’dthoughtshewasreallypretty,andI’dwonderedwhoshewas.ShelookedEastAsian,likeshemightbeIndian.Shehaddarkhairanddarkeyesandshewaswearingablackminiskirtandawhiteandblackpolka-dotblouse.Andaheadband,shewaswearingablackheadband.
Shesawmefirst.“Hey,”shesaid.
That’swhenConradlookedoverandsawmestandinginthedoorwaywithaplateofcheeseandcrackers.Hesatup.“Isthatfoodforus?”heasked,notquitelookingatme.
“Mymothersentit,”Isaid,andmyvoicecameoutmumblyandquiet.Iwalkedoverandputtheplateonthecoffeetable.Istoodthereforasecond,unsureofwhattodonext.
“Thanks,”thegirlsaid,inawaythatsoundedmorelike,Youcangonow.Notinameanway,butinawaythatmadeitclearIwasinterrupting.
IbackedoutoftheroomslowlybutwhenIgottothestairs,Istartedtorun.IranbyallthepeopleinthelivingroomandIcouldhearConradcomingafterme.
“Waitaminute,”hecalledout.
I’dalmostmadeitthroughthefoyerwhenhecaughtuptomeandgrabbedmyarm.
“Whatdoyouwant?”Isaid,shakinghimoff.“Letgoofme.”
“ThatwasAubrey,”hesaid,lettinggo.
Aubrey,thegirlwhobrokeConrad’sheart.I’dpicturedherdifferently.I’dpicturedherblond.ThisgirlwasprettierthanwhatIhadpictured.Icouldnevercompetewithagirllikethat.
Isaid,“SorryIinterruptedyourlittlemoment.”
“Oh,growup,”hesaid.
Therearemomentsinlifethatyouwishwithallyourheartyoucouldtakeback.Like,justerasefromexistence.Like,ifyoucould,you’deraseyourselfrightoutofexistencetoo,justtomakethatmomentnotexist.
WhatIsaidnextwasoneofthosemomentsforme.
Onthedayofhismother’sfuneral,totheboyIlovedmorethanIhadeverlovedanythingoranyone,Isaid,“Gotohell.”
ItwastheworstthingI’veeversaidtoanyone,ever.Itwasn’tthatI’dneversaidthewordsbefore.Butthelookonhisface.I’llneverforgetit.Thelookonhisfacemademewanttodie.ItconfirmedeverymeanandlowthingI’deverthoughtaboutmyself,thestuffyouhopeandpraynoonewilleverknowaboutyou.Becauseiftheyknew,theywouldseetherealyou,andtheywoulddespiseyou.
Conradsaid,“Ishouldhaveknownyou’dbelikethis.”
Miserably,Iaskedhim,“Whatdoyoumean?”
Heshrugged,hisjawtight.“Forgetit.”
“No,sayit.”
Hestartedtoturnaround,toleave,butIstoppedhim.Istoodinhisway.“Tellme,”Isaid,myvoicerising.
Helookedatmeandsaid,“Iknewitwasabadidea,startingsomethingwithyou.You’rejustakid.Itwasahugemistake.”
“Idon’tbelieveyou,”Isaid.
Peoplewerestartingtolook.Mymotherwasstandinginthelivingroom,talkingtopeopleIdidn’trecognize.She’dglancedupwhenI’dstartedspeaking.Icouldn’tevenlookather;Icouldfeelmyfaceburning.
Iknewtherightthingtodowastowalkaway.IknewthatwaswhatIwassupposedtodo.Inthatmoment,itwaslikeIwasfloatingabovemyselfandIcouldseemeandhoweverybodyinthatroomwaslookingatme.ButwhenConradjustshruggedandstartedtoleaveagain,Ifeltsomad,andso—small.Iwantedtostopmyself,butIcouldn’tquit.
“Ihateyou,”Isaid.
Conradturnedaroundandnodded,likehe’dexpectedmetosayexactlythat.“Good,”hesaid.Thewayhelookedatmethen,pityingandfedupandjustoverit.Itmademefeelsick.
“Ineverwanttoseeyouagain,”Isaid,andthenIpushedpasthim,andIranupthestaircasesofastItrippedonthetopstep.Ifellrightontomyknees,hard.IthinkIheardsomeonegasp.Icouldbarelyseethroughmytears.Blindly,Igotbackupandrantotheguestroom.
Itookoffmyglassesandlaydownonthebedandcried.
Itwasn’tConradIhated.Itwasmyself.
Myfathercameupafterawhile.Heknockedafewtimes,andwhenIdidn’tanswer,hecameinandsatontheedgeofthebed.
“Areyouallright?”heaskedme.Hisvoicewassogentle,Icouldfeeltearsleakingoutofthecornersofmyeyesagain.Nooneshouldbenicetome.Ididn’tdeserveit.
Irolledawaysomybackwastohim.“IsMommadatme?”
“No,ofcoursenot,”hesaid.“Comebackdownstairsandsaygood-byetoeveryone.”
“Ican’t.”HowcouldIgobackdownstairsandfaceeveryoneafterI’dmadethatscene?Itwasimpossible.Iwashumiliated,andIhaddoneittomyself.
“WhathappenedwithyouandConrad,Belly?Didyouhaveafight?Didyoutwobreakup?”Itwassooddtohearthewords“breakup”comeoutofmydad’smouth.Icouldn’tdiscussitwithhim.Itwasjusttoobizarre.
“Dad,Ican’ttalkaboutthisstuffwithyou.Couldyoujustgo?Iwanttobealone.”
“Allright,”hesaid,andIcouldhearthehurtinhisvoice.“Doyouwantmetogetyourmother?”
ShewasthelastpersonIwantedtosee.Rightaway,Isaid,“No,pleasedon’t.”
Thebedcreakedasmyfathergotupandclosedthedoor.
TheonlypersonIwantedwasSusannah.Shewastheonlyone.AndthenIhadathought,clearasday.Iwouldneverbesomebody’sfavoriteagain.Iwouldneverbeakidagain,notinthesameway.Thatwasallovernow.Shewasreallygone.
IhopedConradlistenedtome.IhopedIneversawhimagain.IfIeverhadtolookathimagain,ifhelookedatmethewayhedidthatday,itwouldbreakme.chaptersix
JULY3
Whenthephonerangearlythenextmorning,myfirstthoughtwas,Theonlykindofcallsyougetthisearlyinthemorningarethebadones.Iwasright,sortof.
IthinkIwasstillinadreamstatewhenIheardhisvoice.Foronelongsecond,IthoughtitwasConrad,andforthatsecond,Icouldnotcatchmybreath.Conradcallingmeagain—thatwasenoughtomakemeforgethowtobreathe.Butitwasn’tConrad.ItwasJeremiah.
Theywerebrothers,afterall;theirvoiceswerealike.Alikebutnotthesame.He,Jeremiah,said,“Belly,it’sJeremiah.Conrad’sgone.”
“Whatdoyoumean‘gone’?”SuddenlyIwaswideawakeandmyheartwasinmythroat.Gonehadcometomeansomethingdifferent,inawaythatithadn’tusedto.Somethingpermanent.
“Hetookofffromsummerschoolacoupleofdaysagoandhehasn’tcomeback.Doyouknowwhereheis?”
“No.”ConradandIhadn’tspokensinceSusannah’sfuneral.
“Hemissedtwoexams.He’dneverdothat.”Jeremiahsoundeddesperate,panickyeven.I’dneverheardhimsoundthatway.Hewasalwaysatease,alwayslaughing,neverserious.Andhewasright,Conradwouldneverdothat,he’dneverjustleavewithouttellinganybody.NottheoldConrad,anyway.NottheConradIhadlovedsinceIwastenyearsold,nothim.
Isatup,rubbedatmyeyes.“Doesyourdadknow?”
“Yeah.He’sfreakingout.Hecan’tdealwiththiskindofthing.”ThiskindofthingwouldbeSusannah’sdomain,notMr.Fisher’s.
“Whatdoyouwanttodo,Jere?”Itriedtomakemyvoicesoundthewaymymother’swould.Calm,reasonable.LikeIwasn’tscaredoutofmymind,thethoughtofConradgone.Itwasn’tsomuchthatIthoughthewasintrouble.Itwasthatifheleft,reallyleft,hemightnevercomeback.AndthatscaredmemorethanIcouldsay.
“Idon’tknow.”Jeremiahletoutabiggustofair.“Hisphonehasbeenofffordays.Doyouthinkyoucouldhelpmefindhim?”
ImmediatelyIsaid,“Yes.Ofcourse.OfcourseIcan.”
Everythingmadesenseinthatmoment.ThiswasmychancetomakethingsrightwithConrad.ThewayIsawit,thiswaswhatIhadbeenwaitingforandIhadn’tevenknownit.ItwaslikethelasttwomonthsIhadbeensleepwalking,andnowhereIwas,finallyawake.Ihadagoal,apurpose.
ThatlastdayI’dsaidhorriblethings.Unforgiveablethings.Maybe,ifIhelpedhiminsomesmallway,I’dbeabletofixwhatwasbroken.
Evenso,asscaredasIwasatthethoughtofConradbeinggone,aseagerasIwastoredeemmyself,thethoughtofbeingnearhimagainterrifiedme.NooneonthisearthaffectedmethewayConradFisherdid.
AssoonasJeremiahandIgotoffthephone,Iwaseverywhereatonce,throwingunderwearandT-shirtsintomybigovernightbag.Howlongwouldittakeustofindhim?Washeokay?Iwouldhaveknownifhewasn’tokay,wouldn’tI?Ipackedmytoothbrush,acomb.Contactsolution.
Mymotherwasironingclothesinthekitchen.Shewasstaringoffintonowhere,herforeheadonebigcrease.“Mom?”Iasked.
Startled,shelookedatme.“What?What’sup?”
I’dalreadyplannedwhatI’dsaynext.“Taylor’shavingsomekindofbreakdownbecausesheandDavisbrokeupagain.I’mgonnastayoveratherplacetonight,maybetomorrow,too,dependingonhowshefeels.”
Iheldmybreath,waitingforhertospeak.MymotherhasabullshitdetectorlikenooneI’veeverknown.It’smorethanamother’sintuition,it’slikeahomingdevice.Butnoalertswentoff,nobellsorwhistles.Herfacewasperfectlyblank.
“Allright,”shesaid,goingbacktoherironing.
Andthen,“Tryandbehometomorrownight,”shesaid.“I’llmakehalibut.”Shespritzedstarchonkhakipants.Iwashomefree.Ishouldhavefeltrelieved,butIdidn’t,notreally.
“I’lltry,”Isaid.
Foramoment,Ithoughtabouttellingherthetruth.Ofallpeople,she’dunderstand.She’dwanttohelp.Shelovedthemboth.ItwasmymotherwhotookConradtotheemergencyroomthetimehebrokehisarmskate-boarding,becauseSusannahwasshakingsohardshecouldn’tdrive.Mymotherwassteady,solid.Shealwaysknewwhattodo.
Oratleast,sheusedto.NowIwasn’tsosure.WhenSusannahgotsickagain,mymotherwentonautopilot,doingwhatneededdoing.Barelypresent.TheotherdayI’dcomedownstairstofindhersweepingthefronthallway,andhereyeswerered,andI’dbeenafraid.Shewasn’tthecryingkind.Seeingherlikethat,likeanactualpersonandnotjustmymother,italmostmademenottrusther
Mymothersetdownheriron.Shepickedupherpursefromthecounterandpulledoutherwallet.“BuyTaylorsomeBen&Jerry’s,onme,”shesaid,handingmeatwenty.
“Thanks,Mom,”Isaid,takingthetwentyandstuffingitintomypocket.Itwouldcomeinhandyforgasmoneylater.
“Havefun,”shesaid,andshewasgoneagain.Absent.Ironingthesamepairofkhakipantsshe’djustgoneover.
WhenIwasinmycar,drivingaway,Ifinallyletmyselffeelit.Relief.Nosilent,sadmother,nottoday.IhatedtoleaveherandIhatedtobenearher,becauseshemademerememberwhatIwantedmosttoforget.Susannahwasgone,andshewasn’tcomingback,andnoneofuswouldbethesameeveragain.chapterseven
AtTaylor’shouse,thefrontdoorwasalmostneverlocked.Herstaircase,withitslongbanisterandshinywoodensteps,wasasfamiliartomeasmyown.
AfterIletmyselfintothehouse,Iwentstraightuptoherroom.
Taylorwaslyingonherstomach,flippingthroughgossipmagazines.Assoonasshesawme,shesatupandsaid,“Areyouamasochist,orwhat?”
Ithrewmyduffelbagonthefloorandsatdownnexttoher.I’dcalledheronthewayover;I’dtoldhereverything.Ihadn’twantedto,butI’ddoneit
“Whyareyougoingofflookingforhim?”shedemanded.“He’snotyourboyfriendanymore.”
Isighed.“Likeheeverreallywas.”
“Mypointexactly.”Shethumbedthroughamagazineandhandedittome.“Checkitout.Icouldseeyouinthisbikini.Thewhitebandeauone.It’lllookhotwithyourtan.”
“Jeremiah’sgoingtobeheresoon,”Isaid,lookingatthemagazineandhandingitbacktoher.Icouldn’tpicturemeinthatbikini.ButIcouldpictureherinit.
“YousoshouldhavepickedJeremy,”shesaid.“Conradisbasicallyacrazyperson.”
I’dtoldherandtoldherhowitwasn’taseasyaspickingoneortheother.Nothingeverwas.Itwasn’tasthoughI’devenhadachoice,notreally.
“Conrad’snotcrazy,Taylor.”She’dneverforgivenConradfornotlikingherthesummerIbroughthertoCousins,thesummerwewerefourteen.Taylorwasusedtoalltheboyslikingher,shewasunaccustomedtobeingignored.WhichwasexactlywhatConradhaddone.NotJeremiah,though.Assoonasshebattedherbigbrowneyesathim,hewashers.HerJeremy,that’swhatshe’dcalledhim—inthatteasingkindofway,thekindthatboyslove.Jeremiahlappeditrightup,too,untilsheditchedhimformybrother,Steven.
Pursingherlips,Taylorsaid,“Fine,maybethatwasalittleharsh.Maybehe’snotcrazy.But,like,what?Areyoualwaysjustgoingtobesittingaroundwaitingforhim?Wheneverhewants?”
“No!Buthe’sinsomekindoftrouble.Heneedshisfriendsnowmorethanever,”Isaid,pickingataloosestrandonthecarpet.“Nomatterwhathappenedbetweenus,we’llalwaysbefriends.”
Sherolledhereyes.“Whatever.TheonlyreasonI’mevensigningoffonthisisforyoutogetclosure.”
“Closure?”
“Yes.Icanseenowthatit’stheonlyway.YouneedtoseeConradface-to-faceandtellhimyou’reoverhimandyou’renotgonnaplayhisgamesanymore.Thenandonlythencanyoumoveonfromhislameass.”
“Taylor,I’mnotinnocentinallthiseither.”Iswallowed.“ThelasttimeIsawhim,Iwasawful.”
“Whatever.Thepointis,youneedtomoveon.Ontogreenerpastures.”Sheeyedme.“LikeCory.Who,bytheway,Idoubtyouevenhaveachancewithanymoreafterlastnight.”
Lastnightseemedlikeathousandyearsago.Ididmybesttolookcontriteandsaid,“Hey,thanksagainforlettingmeleavemycarhere.Ifmymomcalls—”
“Please,Belly.Showalittlerespect.I’mthequeenoflyingtoparents,unlikeyou.”Shesniffed.“You’regonnabebackintimefortomorrownight,right?We’reallgonnagooutonDavis’sparents’boat,remember?Youpromised.”
“That’snotuntileightornine.I’msureI’llbebackbythen.Besides,”Ipointedout,“Ineverpromisedyouanything.”
“Thenpromisenow,”shecommanded.“Promiseyou’llbehere.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Whydoyouwantmebackheresobad?SoyoucansicCoryWheeleronmeagain?Youdon’tneedme.YouhaveDavis.”
“Idosoneedyou,evenifyouareaterriblebestfriend.Boyfriendsaren’tthesameasbestfriendsandyouknowit.Prettysoonwe’llbeincollege,youknow.Whatifwegotodifferentschools?Whatthen?”Taylorglaredatme,hereyesaccusing.
“Okay,okay.Ipromise.”Taylorstillhadherheartsetonusgoingtothesameschool,thewaywe’dalwayssaidwewould.
Sheheldoutherhandtomeandwehookedpinkies.
“Isthatwhatyou’rewearing?”Tayloraskedmesuddenly.
Lookingdownatmygraycamisole,Isaid,“Well,yeah.”
Sheshookherheadsofastherblondhairswishedallaround.“Isthatwhatyou’rewearingtoseeConradforthefirsttime?”
“Thisisn’tadateI’mgoingon,Taylor.”
“Whenyouseeanex,youhavetolookbetterthanyou’veeverlooked.It’s,like,thefirstruleofbreakups.Youhavetomakehimthink,‘Damn,Imissedoutonthat?’It’stheonlyway.”
Ihadn’tthoughtofthat.“Idon’tcarewhathethinks,”Itoldher.
Shewasalreadyriflingthroughmyovernightbag.“AllyouhaveinhereisunderwearandaT-shirt.Andthisoldtanktop.Ugh.Ihatethistanktop.Itneedstobeofficiallyretired.”
“Quitit,”Isaid.“Don’tgothroughmystuff.”
Taylorleapedup,herfaceallglowyandexcited.“Oh,pleaseletmepackforyou,Belly!Please,itwouldmakemesohappy.”
“No,”Isaid,asfirmlyasIcould.WithTaylor,youhadtobefirm.“I’llprobablybebacktomorrow.Idon’tneedanythingelse.”
Taylorignoredmeanddisappearedintoherwalk-incloset.
Myphonerangthen,anditwasJeremiah.BeforeIansweredit,Isaid,“I’mserious,Tay.”
“Don’tworry,I’vegotitallcovered.Justthinkofmeasyourfairygodmother,”shesaidfrominsidethecloset.
Ipoppedopenmyphone.“Hey,”Isaid.“Whereareyou?”
“I’mprettyclose.Aboutanhouraway.AreyouatTaylor’s?”
“Yeah,”Isaid.“Doyouneedmetogiveyouthedirectionsagain?”
“No,I’vegotit.”Hepaused,andforasecondIthoughthe’dalreadyhungup.Thenhesaid,“Thanksfordoingthis.”
“Comeon,”Isaid.
Ithoughtaboutsayingsomethingelse,likehowhewasoneofmybestfriendsandhowpartofmewasalmostgladtohaveareasontoseehimagain.Itjustwouldn’tbesummerwithoutBeck’sboys.
ButIcouldn’tgetthewordstosoundrightinmyhead,andbeforeIcouldfigurethemout,hehungup.
WhenTaylorfinallyemergedfromthecloset,shewaszippingupmybag.“Allset,”shesaid,dimpling.
“Taylor—”Itriedtograbthebagfromher.
“No,justwaituntilyougetwhereveryou’regoing.You’llthankme,”shesaid.“Iwasverygenerous,eventhoughyou’retotallydesertingme.”
Iignoredthelastbitandsaid,“Thanks,Tay.”
“You’rewelcome,”shesaid,checkingoutherhairinherbureaumirror.“Seehowmuchyouneedme?”Taylorfacedme,herhandsonherhips.“HowareyouguysevenplanningonfindingConrad,anyway?Forallyouknow,he’sunderabridgesomewhere.”
Ihadn’tgiventhatpart,theactualdetails,muchthought.“I’msureJeremiahhassomeideas,”Isaid.
Jeremiahshowedupinanhour,justlikehesaidhewould.WewatchedfromthelivingroomwindowwhenhiscarpulledintoTaylor’scirculardriveway.“OhmyGod,helookssocute,”Taylorsaid,runningovertothedresserandputtingonlipgloss.“Whydidn’tyoutellmehowcutehegot?”
Thelasttimeshe’dseenJeremiah,he’dbeenaheadshorterandscrawny.Itwasnowondershe’dgoneafterSteveninstead.ButhejustlookedlikeJeremiahtome.
Ipickedupmybagandheadedoutside,withTaylorrightonmyheels.
WhenIopenedthefrontdoor,Jeremiahwasstandingonthefrontsteps.HewaswearinghisRedSoxcap,andhishairwasshorterthanthelasttimeI’dseenhim.Itwasstrangetoseehimthere,onTaylor’sdoorstep.Surreal.
“Iwasjustabouttocallyou,”hesaid,takingoffhishat.Hewasaboyunafraidofhathair,oflookingstupid.Itwasoneofhismostendearingqualities,oneIadmiredbecauseIprettymuchlivedinconstantfearofembarrassingmyself.
Iwantedtohughim,butforsomereason—maybebecausehedidn’treachformefirst,maybebecauseIfeltshyallofasudden—Iheldback.Instead,Isaid,“Yougotherereallyfast.”
“Ispedlikecrazy,”hesaid,andthen,“Hey,Taylor.”
ShegotonhertiptoesandhuggedhimandIregrettednothugginghimtoo.
Whenshesteppedaway,Taylorsurveyedhimapprovinglyandsaid,“Jeremy,youlookgood.”Shesmiledathim,waitingforhimtotellhershelookedgoodtoo.Whenhedidn’t,shesaid,“ThatwasyourcuetotellmehowgoodIlook.Duh.”
Jeremiahlaughed.“SameoldTaylor.Youknowyoulookgood.Youdon’tneedmetotellyou.”
Thetwoofthemsmirkedateachother.
“We’dbettergetgoing,”Isaid.
Hetookmyovernightbagoffmyshoulderandwefollowedhimtothecar.Whilehemaderoomformybaginthetrunk,Taylorgrabbedmebytheelbowandsaid,“Callmewhenyougetwhereveryou’regoing,Cinderbelly.”Sheusedtocallmethatwhenwewerelittle,whenwewereobsessedwithCinderella.She’dsingitrightalongwiththemice.Cinderbelly,Cinderbelly
Ifeltasuddenrushofaffectionforher.Nostalgia,asharedhistory,countedforalot.MorethanI’drealized.I’dmisshernextyear,whenthetwoofuswereatdifferentcolleges.“Thanksforlettingmeleavemycarhere,Tay.”
Shenodded.ThenshemouthedthewordCLOSURE
“Bye,Taylor,”Jeremiahsaid,gettingintothecar.
Igotintoo.Hiscarwasamess,likealways.Therewereemptywaterbottlesalloverthefloorandbackseat.“Bye,”Icalledoutaswebegantodriveaway.
Shestoodthereandwavedandwatchedus.Shecalledback,“Don’tforgetyourpromise,Belly!”
“What’dyoupromise?”Jeremiahaskedme,lookingintherearviewmirror.
“IpromisedherI’dbebackintimeforherboyfriend’sFourthofJulyparty.It’sgoingtobeonaboat.”
Jeremiahnodded.“You’llbebackintime,don’tworry.HopefullyI’llhaveyoubackbytonight.”
“Oh,”Isaid.“Okay.”
IguessedIwouldn’tneedthatovernightbagafterall.
Thenhesaid,“Taylorlooksexactlythesame.”
“Yeah,Iguessshedoes.”
Andthenneitherofussaidanything.Wewerejustsilent.chaptereight
JEREMIAH
Icanpinpointtheexactmomenteverythingchanged.Itwaslastsummer.ConandIweresittingontheporch,andIwastryingtotalktohimaboutwhatadickthenewassistantfootballcoachwas.
“Juststickitout,”hesaid.
Easyforhimtosay.He’dquit.“Youdon’tgetit,thisguy’scrazy,”Istartedtotellhim,buthewasn’tlisteninganymore.Theircarhadjustpulledintothedriveway.Stevengotoutfirst,thenLaurel.Sheaskedwheremymomwasandgavemeabighug.ShehuggedConradnextandIstartedtosay,“Hey,where’stheBellyButton?”Andthereshewas.
Conradsawherfirst.HewaslookingoverLaurel’sshoulder.Ather.Shewalkedtowardus.Herhairwasswingingaroundallovertheplaceandherlegslookedmileslong.Shewaswearingcutoffsanddirtysneakers.Herbrastrapwasstickingoutofhertanktop.IswearInevernoticedherbrastrapbefore.Shehadafunnylookonherface,alookIdidn’trecognize.Likeshyandnervous,butproudatthesametime.
IwatchedConradhugher,waitingmyturn.Iwantedtoaskherwhatshe’dbeenthinkingabout,whyshehadthatlookonherface.Ididn’tdoitthough.IsteppedaroundConradandgrabbedherupandsaidsomethingstupid.Itmadeherlaugh,andthenshewasjustBellyagain.Andthatwasarelief,becauseIdidn’twanthertobeanythingbutjustBelly.
I’dknownhermywholelife.I’dneverthoughtofherasagirl.Shewasoneofus.Shewasmyfriend.Seeingherinadifferentway,evenjustforasecond,itshookmeup.
Mydadusedtosaythatwitheverythinginlife,there’sthegame-changingmoment.Theonemomenteverythingelsehingesupon,butyouhardlyeverknowitatthetime.Thethree-pointerearlyoninthesecondquarterthatchangesupthewholetempoofthegame.Wakespeopleup,bringsthembacktolife.Itallgoesbacktothatonemoment.
Imighthaveforgottenaboutit,thatmomentwhentheircardroveupandthisgirlwalkedout,agirlIbarelyrecognized.Itcouldhavejustbeenoneofthosethings.Youknow,whereapersoncatchesyoureye,likeawhiffofperfumewhenyouwalkdownthestreet.Youkeepwalking.Youforget.Imighthaveforgotten.Thingsmighthavegonebacktothewaytheywerebefore.
Butthencamethegame-changingmoment.
Itwasnighttime,maybeaweekintothesummer.BellyandIwerehangingoutbythepool,andshewascrackingupoversomethingIsaid,Idon’trememberwhat.IlovedthatIcouldmakeherlaugh.Eventhoughshelaughedalotanditwasn’tsomekindoffeat,itfeltgreat.Shesaid,“Jere,you’re,like,thefunniestpersonIknow.”
Itwasoneofthebestcomplimentsofmylife.Butthatwasn’tthegame-changingmoment.
Thathappenednext.Iwasreallyonaroll,doinganimpersonationofConradwhenhewakesupinthemornings.AwholeFrankensteinsortofthing.ThenConradcameoutandsatnexttoheronthedeckchair.Hepulledonherponytailandsaid,“What’ssofunny?”
Bellylookedupathim,andshewasactuallyblushing.Herfacewasallflushed,andhereyeswereshining.“Idon’tremember,”shesaid.
Mygutjusttwisted.Ifeltlikesomebodyhaddrop-kickedmeinthestomach.Iwasjealous,crazyjealous.OfConrad.Andwhenshegotupalittlewhilelatertogetasoda,IwatchedhimwatchherwalkawayandIfeltsickinside.
ThatwaswhenIknewthingswouldneverbethesame.
IwantedtotellConradthathehadnoright.Thathe’dignoredheralltheseyears,thathecouldn’tjustdecidetotakeherjustbecausehefeltlikeit.
Shewasallofours.Mymomadoredher.ShecalledBellyhersecretdaughter.Shelookedforwardtoseeingherallyear.Steven,eventhoughhegaveherahardtime,hewasreallyprotectiveofher.EveryonetookcareofBelly,shejustdidn’tknowit.ShewastoobusylookingatConrad.Foraslongasanyofuscouldremember,shehadlovedConrad
AllIknewwas,Iwantedhertolookatmelikethat.Afterthatday,Iwasdonefor.Ilikedher,asmorethanafriend.Imaybeevenlovedher.
Therehavebeenothergirls.Buttheyweren’ther.
Ididn’twanttocallBellyforhelp.Iwaspissedather.Itwasn’tjustthatshe’dpickedConrad.Thatwasoldnews.ShewasalwaysgoingtopickConrad.Butwewerefriendstoo.Howmanytimeshadshecalledmesincemymomdied?Twice?Afewtextsandemails?
Butsittinginthecarnexttoher,smellingherBellyConklinsmell(Ivorysoapandcoconutsandsugar),thewayhernosewrinkledupasshethought,hernervoussmileandchewed-upfingernails.Thewayshesaidmyname.
WhensheleanedforwardtomesswiththeACvents,herhairbrushedagainstmyleganditwasreallysoft.Itmademerememberalloveragain.Itmadeithardtostaypissedandkeepheratarm’slengththewayI’dplanned.Itwasprettydamnnearimpossible.WhenIwasnearher,Ijustwantedtograbherandholdherandkisstheshitoutofher.Maybethenshe’dfinallyforgetaboutmyassholeofabrother.chapternine
“Sowherearewegoing?”IaskedJeremiah.Itriedtocatchhiseye,tomakehimlookatme,justforasecond.Itseemedlikehehadn’tlookedmeintheeyeoncesincehe’sshowedup,anditmademenervous.Ineededtoknowthatthingswereokaybetweenus.
“Idon’tknow,”hesaid.“Ihaven’ttalkedtoConinawhile.Ihavenocluewherehe’dgo.Iwashopingyou’dhavesomeideas.”
Thethingwas,Ididn’t.Notreally.Notatall,actually.Iclearedmythroat.“ConradandIhaven’tspokensince—sinceMay.”
Jeremiahlookedatmesideways,buthedidn’tsayanything.IwonderedwhatConradhadtoldhim.Probablynotmuch.
Ikepttalkingbecausehewasn’t.“Haveyoucalledhisroommate?”
“Idon’thavehisnumber.Idon’tevenknowhisname.”
“HisnameisEric,”Isaidquickly.Iwasgladtoknowthatatleast.“It’shissameroommatefromtheschoolyear.Theystayedinthesameroomforsummerschool.So,um,Iguessthat’swherewe’llgo,then.ToBrown.We’lltalktoEric,topeopleonhishall.Youneverknow,hecouldjustbehangingoutoncampus.”
“Soundslikeaplan.”Ashecheckedhisrearviewmirrorandchangedlanes,heaskedme,“Soyou’vebeentovisitConatschool?”
“No,”Isaid,lookingoutthewindow.Itwasaprettyembarrassingthingtoadmit.“Haveyou?”
“MydadandIhelpedhimmoveintothedorms.”Almostreluctantlyheadded,“Thanksforcoming.”
“Sure,”Isaid.
“SoLaurel’scoolwithit?”
“Oh,yeah,totally,”Ilied.“I’mgladIcouldcome.”
IusedtolookforwardtoseeingConradallyear.IusedtowishforsummerthewaykidswishedforChristmas.ItwasallIthoughtabout.Evennow,evenaftereverything,hewasstillallIthoughtabout.
LaterIturnedontheradiotofillthesilencebetweenJeremiahandme.
OnceIthoughtIheardhimstarttosaysomething,andIsaid,“Didyoujustsaysomething?”
Hesaid,“Nope.”
Forawhilewejustdrove.Jeremiahandmeweretwopeoplewhoneverranoutofthingstosaytoeachother,buttherewewere,notsayingaword.
Finallyhesaid,“IsawNonalastweek.Istoppedbytheretirementhomeshe’sbeenworkingat.”
NonawasSusannah’shospicenurse.I’dmetherafewtimes.Shewasfunny,andstrong.Nonawasslight,maybefivefoottwowithspindlyarmsandlegs,butI’dseenherhaulupSusannahlikesheweighednothing.Which,towardtheend,Iguesssheverynearlydid.chapterten
WhenSusannahgotreallysickagain,noonetoldmerightaway.NotConrad,ormymother,orSusannahherself.Itallhappenedsofast.
ItriedgettingoutofgoingtoseeSusannahthatlasttime.ItoldmymotherIhadatrigexamthatcountedforaquarterofmygrade.Iwouldhavesaidanythingtogetoutofgoing.“I’mgoingtohavetostudyallweekend.Ican’tcome.Maybenextweekend,”Isaidoverthephone.Itriedtomakemyvoicecasualandnotdesperate.“Okay?”
Immediatelyshesaid,“No.Notokay.You’recomingupthisweekend.Susannahwantstoseeyou.”
“But—”
“Nobuts.”Hervoicewasrazorsharp.“Ialreadyboughtyourtrainticket.Seeyoutomorrow.”
Onthetrainrideup,IworkedhardtocomeupwiththingsIcouldsaywhenIsawSusannah.Iwouldtellherabouthowhardtrigwas,howTaylorwasinlove,howIwasthinkingofrunningforclasssecretary,whichwasalie.Iwasn’tgoingtorunforclasssecretary,butIknewthatSusannahwouldlikethesoundofit.Iwouldtellherallofthosethings,andIwouldnotaskaboutConrad.
Mymotherpickedmeupatthetrainstation.WhenIgotintothecar,shesaid,“I’mgladyoucame.”
Shewentontosay,“Don’tworry,Conrad’snothere.”
Ididn’tanswerher,Ijuststaredoutthewindow.Iwasunjustifiablymadatherformakingmecome.Notthatshecared.Shekeptrightontalking.“I’mgoingtogoaheadandwarnyouthatshedoesn’tlookgood.She’stired.She’sverytired,butshe’sexcitedtoseeyou.”
Assoonasshesaidthewords,“shedoesn’tlookgood,”Iclosedmyeyes.Ihatedmyselfforbeingafraidtoseeher,fornotvisitingmoreoften.ButIwasn’tlikemymother,asstronganddurableassteel.SeeingSusannahlikethat,itwastoohard.Itfeltlikepiecesofher,ofwhosheusedtobe,crumpledawayeverytime.Seeingherlikethatmadeitreal.
Whenwepulledintothedriveway,Nonawasoutsidesmokingacigarette.I’dmetNonaacoupleofweeksbefore,whenSusannahfirstmovedbackhome.Nonahadaveryintimidatinghandshake.Whenwesteppedoutofthecar,shewasPurellingherhandsandsprayingFebrezeonheruniformlikeshewasateenagersmokinginsecret,eventhoughSusannahdidn’tmindit;shelovedcigarettesonceinawhilebutcouldn’tsmokethemanymore.Justpot,justonceinawhile.
“Morning,”Nonacalledout,wavingtous.
“Morning,”wecalledback.
Shewassittingonthefrontporch.“Nicetoseeyou,”shesaidtome.Tomymother,shesaid,“Susannah’salldressedandwaitingforyoutwodownstairs.”
MymothersatdownnexttoNona.“Belly,yougooninfirst.I’mgoingtochatwithNona.”Andby“chat,”Iknewshemeantshetoowasgoingtohaveacigarette.SheandNonahadgottentobeprettyfriendly.
Nonawaspragmaticandalsointenselyspiritual.Sheinvitedmymothertogotochurchwithheronce,andeventhoughmymotherwasnotreligiousintheleast,shewent.AtfirstIthoughtitwasjusttohumorNona,butthenwhenshestartedgoingtochurchalonebackhome,Irealizeditwasmorethanthat.Shewaslookingforsomekindofpeace.
Isaid,“Bymyself?”andIregretteditrightaway.Ididn’twanteitherofthemtojudgemeforbeingafraid.Iwasalreadyjudgingmyself.
“She’swaitingforyou,”mymothersaid.
Whichshewas.Shewassittinginthelivingroom,andshewaswearingactualclothesandnotherpajamas.Shehadonmakeup.Herpeachyblushwasbrightandgarishagainstherchalkyskin.She’dmadeaneffort,forme.Soasnottoscareme.SoIpretendednottobescared.
“Myfavoritegirl,”shesaid,openingherarmsforme.
Ihuggedher,carefullyasIcould,Itoldhershelookedsomuchbetter.Ilied.
ShesaidJeremiahwouldn’tbehomeuntillaterthatnight,thatusgirlshadthehousealltoourselvesfortheafternoon.
Mymothercameinsidethen,butleftthetwoofusalone.Shecameintothelivingroomtosayaquickhelloandthenshefixedlunchwhilewecaughtup.
Assoonasmymotherlefttheroom,Susannahsaid,“Ifyou’reworriedaboutrunningintoConrad,don’tbe,sweetie.Hewon’tbeherethisweekend.”
Iswallowed.“Didhetellyou?”
Shehalflaughed.“Thatboydoesn’ttellmeanything.Yourmothermentionedthatpromdidn’tgo…aswellaswe’dhoped.I’msorry,honey.”
“Hebrokeupwithme,”Itoldher.Itwasmorecomplicatedthanthat,butwhenyouboileditalldown,thatwaswhathadhappened.Ithadhappenedbecausehe’dwanteditto.Ithadalwaysbeenhiscall—hisdecisionwhetherornotweweretogether.
Susannahtookmyhandandheldit.“Don’thateConrad,”shesaid.
“Idon’t,”Ilied.Ihatedhimmorethananything.Ilovedhimmorethananything.Because,hewaseverything.AndIhatedthat,too.
“Connie’shavingahardtimewithallofthis.It’salot.”Shepausedandpushedmyhairoutofmyface,herhandlingeringonmyforeheadasifIhadafever.AsifIwastheonewhowassick,inneedofcomfort.“Don’tlethimpushyouaway.Heneedsyou.Helovesyou,youknow.”
Ishookmyhead.“No,hedoesn’t.”Inmyhead,Iadded,Theonlypersonhelovesishimself.Andyou.
Sheactedlikeshehadn’theardme.“Doyoulovehim?”
WhenIdidn’tanswer,shenoddedasifIhad.“Willyoudosomethingforme?”
Slowly,Inodded.
“Lookafterhimforme.Willyoudothat?”
“Youwon’tneedmetolookafterhim,Susannah,you’llbeheretodoit,”Isaid,andItriednottosounddesperate,butitdidn’tmatter.
Susannahsmiledandsaid,“You’remygirl,Belly.”
Afterlunch,Susannahtookanap.Shedidn’twakeupuntillateafternoon,andwhenshedid,shewasirritableanddisoriented.Shesnappedatmymotheronce,whichterrifiedme.Susannahneversnappedatanybody.Nonatriedtoputhertobed,andatfirstSusannahrefused,butthenshegavein.Onthewaytoherbedroom,shegavemealittlehalfheartedwink.
Jeremiahcamehomearounddinnertime.Iwasrelievedtoseehim.Hemadeeverythinglighter,easier.Justseeinghisfacetookawaysomeofthestrainofbeingthere.
Hewalkedintothekitchenandsaid,“What’sthatburningsmell?Oh,Laurel’scooking.Hey,Laure!”
Mymotherswattedathimwithakitchentowel.Hedodgedherandstartedlookingunderpancoversplayfully.
“Hey,Jere,”Isaidtohim.Iwassittingonastool,shellingbeans.
Helookedoveratmeandsaid,“Oh,hey.Howareyou?”Thenhewalkedovertomeandgavemeaquickhalfhug.Itriedtosearchhiseyesforsomeclueastohowhewasdoing,buthedidn’tletme.Hekeptmovingaround,jokingwithNonaandmymother.
Insomeways,hewasthesameJeremiah,butinotherways,Icouldseehowthishadchangedhim.Hadagedhim.Everythingtookmoreeffort,hisjokes,hissmiles.Nothingwaseasyanymore.chaptereleven
ItfeltlikeforeverbeforeJeremiahspokeagain.Iwaspretendingtobeasleep,andhewasdrumminghisfingersalongthesteeringwheel.Suddenlyhesaid,“Thiswasmyprom’sthemesong.”
RightawayIopenedmyeyesandasked,“Howmanypromshaveyoubeento?”
“Total?Five.”
“What?Yeah,right.Idon’tbelieveyou,”Isaid,eventhoughIdid.OfcourseJeremiahhadbeentofiveproms.Hewasexactlythatguy,theoneeveryonewantedtogowith.Hewouldknowhowtomakeagirlfeellikethepromqueenevenifshewasnobody.
Jeremiahstartingtickingoffwithhisfingers.“Junioryear,Iwenttotwo,mineandFloraMartinez’satSacredHeart.Thisyear,Iwenttomypromandtwoothers.SophiaFranklinat—”
“Okay,okay.Igetit.You’reindemand.”Ileanedforwardandfiddledwiththeairconditionercontrol.
“Ihadtobuyatuxbecauseitwascheaperthanrentingoverandoveragain,”hesaid.Jeremiahlookedstraightahead,andthenhesaidthelastthingIwasexpectinghimtosay.“Youlookedgoodatyours.Ilikedyourdress.”
Istaredathim.DidConradshowhimourpictures?Hadhetoldhimanything?“Howdoyouknow?”
“Mymomgotoneofthepicturesframed.”
Ihadn’texpectedhimtobringupSusannah.I’dthoughtpromwouldbeasafesubject.Isaid,“Iheardyouwerepromkingatyourprom.”
“Yeah.”
“Ibetthatwasfun.”
“Yeah,itwasprettyfun.”
IshouldhavebroughtJeremiahinstead.IfithadbeenJeremiah,thingswouldhavebeendifferent.Hewouldhavesaidalltherightthings.ItwouldhavebeenJeremiahinthecenterofthedancefloor,doingtheTypewriterandtheLawnMowerandtheToasterandalltheotherstupiddancesheusedtopracticewhenwewatchedMTV.Hewouldhaverememberedthatdaisiesweremyfavoriteflower,andhewould’vemadefriendswithTaylor’sboyfriend,Davis,andalltheothergirlswouldhavebeenlookingathim,wishinghewastheirdate.chaptertwelve
Fromthestart,Iknewitwasn’tgoingtobeeasytogetConradtogo.Hewasn’tapromkindofperson.Butthethingwas,Ididn’tcare.Ijustreallywantedhimtogowithme,tobemydate.Ithadbeensevenmonthssincethefirsttimewe’dkissed.TwomonthssincethelasttimeI’dseenhim.Oneweeksincethelasttimehe’dcalled.
Beingaperson’spromdateisdefinable;it’sarealthing.AndIhadthisfantasyofprominmyhead,whatitwouldbelike.Howhewouldlookatme,howwhenweslowdanced,he’dresthishandonthesmallofmyback.Howwe’deatcheesefriesatthedinerafter,andwatchthesunrisefromtheroofofhiscar.Ihaditallplannedout,howitwouldgo.
WhenIcalledhimthatnight,hesoundedbusy.ButIforgedaheadanyway.Iaskedhim,“WhatareyoudoingthefirstweekendofApril?”MyvoicetrembledwhenIsaidtheword“April.”Iwassonervoushe’dsayno.Infact,deepdownIkindofexpectedhimto.
Warily,heasked,“Why?”
“It’smyprom.”
Hesighed.“Belly,Ihatedances.”
“Iknowthat.Butit’smyprom,andIreallywanttogo,andIwantyoutocomewithme.”Whydidhehavetomakeeverythingsohard?
“I’mincollegenow,”heremindedme.“Ididn’tevenwanttogotomyownprom.”
Lightly,Isaid,“Well,see,that’sallthemorereasonforyoutocometomine.”
“Can’tyoujustgowithyourfriends?”
Iwassilent.
“I’msorry,Ijustreallydon’tfeellikegoing.Finalsarecomingup,andit’llbehardformetodriveallthewaydownforonenight.”
Sohecouldn’tdothisonethingforme,tomakemehappy.Hedidn’tfeellikeit.Fine.“That’sokay,”Itoldhim.“There’splentyofotherguysIcangowith.Noproblem.”
Icouldhearhismindworkingontheotherend.“Nevermind.I’lltakeyou,”hesaidatlast.
“Youknowwhat?Don’tevenworryaboutit,”Isaid.“CoryWheeleralreadyaskedme.IcantellhimIchangedmymind.”
“WhothehellisCorkyWheeler?”
Ismiled.Ihadhimnow.OratleastIthoughtIdid.Isaid,“CoryWheeler.HeplayssoccerwithSteven.He’sagooddancer.He’stallerthanyou.”
ButthenConradsaid,“Iguessyou’llbeabletowearheels,then.”
“IguessIwill.”
Ihungup.Wasitsomuchtoaskhimtobemypromdateforonefreakingnight?AndIhadliedaboutCoryWheeler;hehadn’taskedme.ButIknewhewould,ifIlethimthinkIwantedhimto.
Inbed,undermyquilt,Icriedalittle.Ihadthisperfectpromnightinmymind,Conradinasuitandmeinthevioletdressmymotherboughtmetwosummersago,theoneIhadbeggedfor.Hehadneverseenmedressedupbefore,orwearingheels,forthatmatter.Ireally,reallywantedhimto.
LaterhecalledandIletitgostraighttovoicemail.Onthemessage,hesaid,“Hey.I’msorryaboutbefore.Don’tgowithCoryWheeleroranyotherguy.I’llcome.Youcanstillwearyourheels.”
Imusthaveplayedthatmessagethirtytimesatleast.Evenso,Ineverreallylistenedtowhathewasactuallysaying—hedidn’twantmetogowithsomeotherguy,buthedidn’twanttogowithmeeither.
Iworethevioletdress.Mymotherwaspleased,Icouldtell.IalsoworethepearlnecklaceSusannahgavemeformysixteenthbirthday,andthatpleasedhertoo.Taylorandtheothergirlswereallgettingtheirhairdoneatafancysalon.Idecidedtodominemyself.Icurledmyhairinloosewavesandmymotherhelpedwiththeback.Ithinkthelasttimeshedidmyhairwasinthesecondgrade,whenIworemyhairinbraidseveryday.Shewasgoodwithacurlingiron,butthen,shewasgoodwithmostthings.
AssoonasIheardhiscarpullintothedriveway,Irantothewindow.Helookedbeautifulinhissuit.Itwasblack;I’dneverseenitbefore.
Ilaunchedmyselfdownthestairsandflungthefrontdooropenbeforehecouldringthebell.Icouldn’tstopsmilingandIwasabouttothrowmyarmsaroundhimwhenhesaid,“Youlooknice.”
“Thanks,”Isaid,andmyarmsfellbackatmysides.“Sodoyou.”
Wemusthavetakenahundredpicturesatthehouse.SusannahsaidshewantedphotographicproofofConradinasuitandmeinthatdress.Mymotherkeptheronthephonewithus.ShegaveittoConradfirst,andwhatevershesaidtohim,hesaid,“Ipromise.”Iwonderedwhathewaspromising.
Ialsowonderedifoneday,TaylorandIwouldbelikethat—onthephonewhileourkidsgotreadyfortheprom.MymotherandSusannah’sfriendshiphadspanneddecadesandchildrenandhusbands.IwonderedifTaylor’sandmyfriendshipwasmadeofthesamestuffastheirs.Durable,impenetrablestuff.SomehowIdoubtedit.Whattheyhad,itwasonce-in-a-lifetime.
Tome,Susannahsaid,“Didyoudoyourhairthewaywetalkedabout?”
“Yes.”
“DidConradtellyouhowprettyyoulook?”
“Yes,”Isaid,eventhoughhehadn’t,notexactly.
“Tonightwillbeperfect,”shepromisedme.
Mymotherpositionedusonthefrontsteps,onthestaircase,standingnexttothefireplace.Stevenwastherewithhisdate,ClaireCho.Theylaughedthewholetime,andwhentheytooktheirpictures,Stevenstoodbehindherwithhisarmsaroundherwaistandsheleanedbackintohim.Itwassoeasy.Inourpictures,Conradstoodstifflybesideme,withonearmaroundmyshoulders.
“Iseverythingokay?”Iwhispered.
“Yeah,”hesaid.Hesmiledatme,butIdidn’tbelieveit.Somethinghadchanged.Ijustdidn’tknowwhat.
Igavehimanorchidboutonniere.Heforgottobringmycorsage.He’dleftitinhislittlerefrigeratorbackatschool,hesaid.Iwasn’tsadormad.Iwasembarrassed.Allthistime,I’dmadesuchabigdealaboutmeandConrad,howweweresomekindofcouple.ButI’dhadtobeghimtogotothepromwithme,andhehadn’tevenrememberedtobringmeflowers.
Icouldtellhefeltawfulwhenherealized,rightatthemomentStevenwenttothefridgeandcamebackwithawristcorsage,tinypinkrosestomatchClaire’sdress.Hegaveherabigbouquet,too.
Clairepulledoneoftherosesoutofherbouquetandhandedittome.“Here,”shesaid,“we’llmakeyouacorsage.”
IsmiledathertoshowIwasgrateful.“That’sokay.Idon’twanttopokeaholeinmydress,”Itoldher.Whatacrock.Shedidn’tbelieveme,butshepretendedto.Shesaid,“Howaboutweputitinyourhair,then?Ithinkitwouldlookreallyprettyinyourhair.”
“Sure,”Isaid.ClaireChowasnice.IhopedsheandStevenneverbrokeup.Ihopedtheystayedtogetherforever.
Afterthethingwiththecorsage,Conradtightenedupevenmore.Onthewaytothecar,hegrabbedmywristandsaid,inaquietvoice,“I’msorryIforgotyourcorsage.Ishouldhaveremembered.”
Iswallowedhardandsmiledwithoutreallyopeningmymouth.“Whatkindwasit?”
“Awhiteorchid,”hesaid.“Mymompickeditout.”
“Well,formyseniorprom,you’lljusthavetogetmetwocorsagestomakeupforit,”Isaid.“I’llwearoneoneachwrist.”
IwatchedhimasIsaidit.We’dstillbetogetherinayear,wouldn’twe?ThatwaswhatIwasasking.
Hisfacedidn’tchange.Hetookmyarmandsaid,“Whateveryouwant,Belly.”
Inthecar,Stevenlookedatusintherearviewmirror.“Dude,Ican’tbelieveI’mgoingonadoubledatewithyouandmylittlesister.”Heshookhisheadandlaughed.
Conraddidn’tsayanything.
Icouldalreadyfeelthenightslippingawayfromme.
Thepromwasajointseniorandjuniorprom.Thatwasthewayourschooldidit.Inawayitwasnice,becauseyougottogotopromtwice.Theseniorsgottovoteonthetheme,andthisyear,thethemewasOldHollywood.ItwasattheWaterClub,andtherewasaredcarpetand“paparazzi.”
Thepromcommitteehadorderedoneofthosekits,thoseprompackages.Itcostatonofmoney;they’dfund-raisedallspring.Therewerealloftheseoldmoviepostersonthewalls,andabigblinkingHollywoodsign.Thedancefloorwassupposedtolooklikeamovieset,withlightsandafakecameraonatripod.Therewasevenadirector’schairofftotheside.
WesatatatablewithTaylorandDavis.Withherfour-and-a-half-inchstilettos,theywerethesameheight.
ConradhuggedTaylorhello,buthedidn’tmakemuchofanefforttotalktoherortoDavis.Hewasuncomfortableinhissuit,justsittingthere.WhenDavisopeneduphisjacketandshowedoffhissilverflasktoConrad,Icringed.MaybeConradwastoooldforallthis.
ThenIsawCoryWheeleroutonthedancefloor,inthecenterofacircleofpeople,includingmybrotherandClaire.Hewasbreakdancing.
IleanedinclosetoConradandwhispered,“That’sCory.”
“Who’sCory?”hesaid.
Icouldn’tbelievehedidn’tremember.Ijustcouldn’tbelieveit.Istaredathimforasecond,searchinghisface,andthenImovedawayfromhim.“Nobody,”Isaid.
Afterwe’dbeensittingthereafewminutes,Taylorgrabbedmyhandandannouncedweweregoingtothebathroom.Iwasactuallyrelieved.
Inthebathroom,shereappliedherlipglossandwhisperedtome,“DavisandIaregoingtohisbrother’sdormroomaftertheafter-prom.”
“Forwhat?”Isaid,rummagingaroundmylittlepurseformyownlipgloss.
Shehandedmehers.“For,youknow.Tobealone.”Taylorwidenedhereyesforemphasis.
“Really?Wow,”Isaidslowly.“Ididn’tknowyoulikedhimthatmuch.”
“Well,you’vebeenreallybusywithallyourConraddrama.Which,bytheway,helookshot,butwhyishebeingsolame?Didyouguyshaveafight?”
“No…”Icouldn’tlookherintheeyes,soIjustkeptapplyinglipgloss
“Belly,don’ttakehisshit.Thisisyourpromnight.Imean,he’syourboyfriend,right?”Shefluffedoutherhair,posinginthemirrorandpoutingherlips.“Atleastmakehimdancewithyou.”
Whenwegotbacktothetable,ConradandDavisweretalkingabouttheNCAAtournament,andIrelaxedalittle.DaviswasaUConnfan,andConradlikedUNC.Mr.Fisher’sbestfriendhadbeenawalk-onfortheteam,andConradandJeremiahwerebothhugefans.ConradcouldtalkaboutCarolinabasketballforever.
Aslowsongcameonthen,andTaylortookDavisbythehandandtheyheadedouttothedancefloor.Iwatchedthemdance,herheadonhisshoulder,hishandsonherhips.Prettysoon,Taylorwouldn’tbeavirginanymore.Shealwayssaidshe’dbefirst.
“Areyouthirsty?”Conradaskedme.
“No,”Isaid.“Doyouwanttodance?”
Hehesitated.“Dowehaveto?”
Itriedtosmile.“Comeon,you’retheonewhosupposedlytaughtmehowtoslowdance.”
Conradstoodupandofferedmehishand.“Solet’sdance.”
Igavehimmyhandandfollowedhimtothemiddleofthedancefloor.Weslowdanced,andIwasgladthemusicwasloudsohecouldn’thearmyheartbeating
“I’mgladyoucame,”Isaid,lookingupathim.
“What?”heasked.
Louder,Isaid,“Isaid,I’mgladyoucame.”
“Metoo.”Hisvoicesoundedodd;Irememberthat,thewayhisvoicecaught.
Eventhoughhewasstandingrightinfrontofme,hishandsaroundmywaist,minearoundhisneck,hehadneverfeltsofaraway.
After,wesatbackdownatourtable.Hesaid,“Doyouwanttogosomewhere?”
“Well,theafter-promdoesn’tstarttillmidnight,”Isaid,fiddlingwithmypearlnecklace.Iwounditaroundmyfingers.Icouldn’tlookathim.
Conradsaid,“No,Imeanjustyouandme.Somewherewecantalk.”
Allofasudden,Ifeltdizzy.IfConradwantedtogosomewherewherewecouldbealone,wherewecouldtalk,itmeanthewantedtobreakupwithme.Iknewit.
“Let’snotgoanywhere,let’sjuststayhereforawhile,”Isaid,andItriedhardnottosounddesperate.
“Allright,”hesaid.
Sowesatthere,watchingeveryonearoundusdance,theirfacesshiny,makeuprunning.Ipulledthefloweroutofmyhairandputitinmypurse.
Whenwehadbeenquietawhile,Isaid,“Didyourmommakeyoucome?”Itbrokemyhearttoask,butIhadtoknow.
“No,”hesaid,buthewaitedtoolatetoanswer.
Intheparkinglot,ithadstartedtodrizzle.Myhair,myhairthatIhadspentthewholeafternooncurling,wasalreadyfallingflat.WewerewalkingtothecarwhenConradsaid,“Myheadiskillingme.”
Istoppedwalking.“Doyouwantmetogobackinsideandseeifanybodyhasanaspirin?”
“No,that’sokay.Youknowwhat,Imightheadbacktoschool.IhavethatexamonMondayandeverything.WoulditbeallrightifIdidn’tgototheafter-prom?Icouldstilldropyouoff.”Hedidn’tmeetmyeyeswhenhespoke.
“Ithoughtyouwerespendingthenight.”
Conradfumbledwithhiscarkeysandmumbled,“Iknow,butI’mthinkingnowthatIshouldgetback….”Hisvoicetrailedoff.
“ButIdon’twantyoutoleave,”Isaid,andIhatedthewayIsoundedlikeIwasbegging.
Hejammedhishandsinsidehispantspockets.“I’msorry,”hesaid.
Westoodthereintheparkinglot,andIthought,Ifwegetinsidehiscar,it’sallover.He’lldropmeoffandthenhe’lldrivebacktoschoolandhe’llnevercomeback.Andthat’llbeit.
“Whathappened?”Iaskedhim,andIcouldfeelthepanicrisingupinmychest.“DidIdosomethingwrong?”
Helookedaway.“No.It’snotyou.Ithasnothingtodowithyou.”
Igrabbedhisarm,andheflinched.“Willyoupleasejusttalktome?Willyoutellmewhat’sgoingon?”
Conraddidn’tsayanything.Hewaswishinghewasalreadyinhiscar,drivingaway.Fromme.Iwantedtohithim.
Isaid,“Okay,fine,then.Ifyouwon’tsayit,Iwill.”
“IfIwon’tsaywhat?”
“Thatwe’reover.That,whateverthisis,it’sover.Imean,itis,right?”Iwascrying,andmynosewasrunning,anditwasallmixedupintherain.Iwipedmyfacewiththebackofmyarm.
Hehesitated.Isawhimhesitate,weighhiswords.“Belly—”
“Don’t,”Isaid,backingawayfromhim.“Justdon’t.Don’tsayanythingtome.”
“Justwaitaminute,”hesaid.“Don’tleaveitlikethis.”
“You’retheoneleavingitlikethis,”Isaid.Istartedtowalkaway,asfastasmyfeetcouldgointhosestupidheels.
“Wait!”heyelled.
Ididn’tturnaround,Iwalkedfaster.ThenIheardhimslamhisfistonthehoodofhiscar.Ialmoststopped.
MaybeIwouldhaveifhe’dfollowedme.Buthedidn’t.Hegotinhiscarandheleft,justlikehesaidhewould.
Thenextmorning,Stevencametomyroomandsatatmydesk.He’djustgottenhome.Hewasstillwearinghistux.“I’masleep,”Itoldhim,rollingover.
“No,you’renot.”Hepaused.“Conrad’snotworthit,okay?”
Iknewwhatitcosthimtosaythattome,andIlovedhimforit.StevenwasConrad’snumberonefan;healwayshadbeen.WhenStevengotupandleft,Irepeatedittomyself.He’snotworthit
WhenIcamedownstairsthenextdayaroundlunch-time,mymothersaid,“Areyouallright?”
Isatdownatthekitchentableandputmyheaddown.Thewoodfeltcoolandsmoothagainstmycheek.Ilookedupatherandsaid,“SoIguessStevenblabbed.”
Carefully,shesaid,“Notexactly.IdidaskhimwhyConraddidn’tstaythenightlikeweplanned.”
“Webrokeup,”Isaid.Inaway,itwasexcitingtohearitsaidoutloud,becauseifwewerebrokenup,thatmeantthatatonepoint,wehadbeentogether.Wewerereal.
Mymothersatdownacrossfromme.Shesighed.“Iwasafraidthiswasgoingtohappen.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Imean,it’smorecomplicatedthanjustyouandConrad.Therearemorepeopleinvolvedthanjustthetwoofyou.”
Iwantedtoscreamather,totellherhowinsensitive,howcruelshewas,andcouldn’tsheseemyheartwasliterallybreaking?ButwhenIlookedupatherface,Ibitbackthewordsandswallowedthemdown.Shewasright.Therewasmoretoworryaboutthanjustmystupidheart.TherewasSusannahtothinkof.Shewasgoingtobesodisappointed.Ihatedtodisappointher.
“Don’tworryaboutBeck,”mymothertoldme,hervoicegentle.“I’lltellher.Youwantmetofixyousomethingtoeat?”
Isaidyes.
Later,inmyroom,aloneagain,Itoldmyselfitwasbetterthisway.Thathe’dbeenwantingtoendthingsallalong,soitwasbetterthatIsaiditfirst.Ididn’tbelieveawordofit.Ifhe’dcalledandaskedformeback,ifhe’dshowedupatthehousewithflowersorastereoonhisshouldersplayingoursong—didweevenhaveasong?Ididn’tknow,butifhe’dmadeeventhetiniestgesture,I’dhavetakenhimback,gladly.ButConraddidn’tcall.
WhenIfoundoutSusannahwasworse,thatshewasn’tgoingtogetanybetter,Icalled,once.Hedidn’tpickup,andIdidn’tleaveamessage.Ifhehadpickedup,ifhe’dcalledmeback,Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavesaid.
Andthatwasit.Wewereover.chapterthirteen
JEREMIAH
WhenmymomfoundoutConradwastakingBellytoprom,shefreakedout.Shewasinsanelyhappy.You’dhavethoughttheyweregettingmarriedorsomething.Ihadn’tseenherhappylikethatinalongtime,andpartofmewasgladthathecouldgiveherthat.ButmostlyIwasjustjealous.Mymomkeptcallinghimatschool,remindinghimofthingsliketomakesureherentedhistuxintime.Shesaidmaybehecouldborrowmine,andIsaidIdoubteditwouldfit.Sheleftitatthat,whichIwasrelievedabout.IendedupgoingtosomegirlfromCollegiate’spromthatnightsohecouldn’thavewornitanyway.Thepointis,evenifhecouldhave,Iwouldn’thavewantedhimto.
Shemadehimpromisethathe’dbesweettoher,theperfectgentleman.Shesaid,“Makeitanightshe’llalwaysremember.”
WhenIgothometheafternoonafterprom,Conrad’scarwasinthedriveway,whichwasweird.I’dthoughthewasstayingatLaurel’shouseandthengoingstraightbacktoschool.Istoppedbyhisroom,buthewasasleep,andprettysoonafter,Ipassedouttoo.
ThatnightweorderedChinesefoodthatMomsaidshewasinthemoodfor,butwhenitcame,shedidn’teatany.
WeateintheTVroom,onthecouch,somethingweneverdidbeforeshegotsick.“So?”sheasked,lookingatConradalleagerly.ItwasthemostenergeticI’dseenherallday.
Hewasshovingaspringrolldownhisthroat,likehewasinsomebighurry.Andhe’dbroughtallthislaundryhomewithhim,likeheexpectedMomtodoit.“Sowhat?”heasked.
“Soyoumademewaitalldaytohearabouttheprom!Iwanttoknoweverything!”
“‘Oh,that,’”hesaid.Hehadthisembarrassedlookonhisface,andIknewhedidn’twanttotalkaboutit.Iwassurehe’ddonesomethingtoscrewitup.
“‘Oh,that,’”mymomteased.“Comeon,Connie,givemesomedetails.Howdidshelookinherdress?Didyoudance?Iwanttoheareverything.I’mstillwaitingonLaureltoemailmethepictures.”
“Itwasokay,”Conradsaid.
“That’sit?”Isaid.Iwasannoyedwithhimthatnight,witheverythingabouthim.He’dgottentotakeBellytoherpromandheactedlikeitwassomebigchore.Ifithadbeenme,Iwouldhavedoneitright.
Conradignoredme.“Shelookedreallypretty.Sheworeapurpledress.”
Mymomnodded,smiling.“Iknowexactlytheone.How’dthecorsagelook?”
Heshiftedinhisseat.“Itlookednice.”
“Didyouendupgettingthekindyoupinonorthekindyouwearonyourwrist?”
“Thekindyoupinon,”hesaid.
“Anddidyoudance?”
“Yeah,alot,”hesaid.“Wedanced,like,everysong.”
“Whatwasthetheme?”
“Idon’tremember,”Conradsaid,andwhenmymotherlookeddisappointedheadded,“IthinkitwasANightontheContinent.Itwas,like,atourofEurope.TheyhadabigEiffelTowerwithChristmastreelightsonit,andaLondonBridgeyoucouldwalkacross.AndaLeaningTowerofPisa.”
Ilookedoverathim.ANightontheContinentwasourschool’spromthemelastyear;IknowbecauseIwasthere.
ButIguessmymotherdidn’tremember,becauseshesaid,“Oh,thatsoundssonice.IwishIcould’vebeenatLaurel’shousetohelpBellygetready.I’mgonnacallLauretonightandbughertosendmethosepictures.Whendoyouthinkyou’llgettheprofessionalpicturesback?Iwanttogetthemframed.”
“I’mnotsure,”hesaid.
“AskBelly,willyou?”Shesetherplatedownonthecoffeetableandleanedbackagainstthecouchcushions.Shelookedexhaustedallofasudden.
“Iwill,”hesaid.
“IthinkI’mgoingtobednow,”shesaid.“Jere,willyougetallthiscleanedup?”
“Sure,Mom,”Isaid,helpinghertoherfeet.
Shekissedusbothonthecheekandwenttoherbedroom.We’dmovedthestudyupstairsandputherbedroomdownstairssoshedidn’thavetogoupanddownthestairs.
Whenshewasgone,Isaid,sarcastically,“Soyouguysdancedallnight,huh?”
“Justleaveit,”Conradsaid,leaninghisheadbackagainstthecouch.
“Didyouevengototheprom?OrdidyoulietoMomaboutthat,too?”
Heglaredatme.“Yeah,Iwent.”
“Well,somehowIdoubtyouguysdancedallnight,”Isaid.IfeltlikeajerkbutIjustcouldn’tletitgo.
“Whydoyouhavetobesuchadick?Whatdoyoucareabouttheprom?”
Ishrugged.“Ijusthopeyoudidn’truinitforher.Whatareyouevendoinghere,anyway?”
Iexpectedhimtogetpissed,infactIthinkIhopedhewould.Butallhesaidwas,“Wecan’tallbeMr.PromKing.”Hestartedclosingthetakeoutboxes.“Areyoudoneeating?”heasked.
“Yeah,I’mdone,”Isaid.chapterfourteen
Whenwedroveuptocampus,therewerepeoplemillingaroundoutsideonthelawn.Girlswerelayingoutinshortsandbikinitops,andagroupofboyswereplayingUltimateFrisbee.WefoundparkingrightinfrontofConrad’sdormandthenweslippedinsidethebuildingwhenagirlsteppedoutwithalaundrybasketfullofclothes.Ifeltsoincrediblyyoung,andalsolost—I’dneverbeentherebefore.ItwasdifferentthanI’dpicturedit.Louder.Busier.
JeremiahknewthewayandIhadtohurrytokeepup.Hetookthestairstwoatatimeandatthethirdfloor,westopped.Ifollowedhimdownabrightlylithallway.Onthewallbytheelevatortherewasabulletinboardwithaposterthatread,LET’STALKABOUTSEX,BABY.TherewereSTDpamphletsandabreastexamhow-to,andneoncondomswerestapledaroundartfully.“Takeone,”someonehadwritteninhighlighter.“Orthree.”
Conrad’sdoorhadhisnameonit,andunderneathit,thename“EricTrusky.”
Hisroommatewasastocky,muscularguywithreddishbrownhair,andheopenedthedoorwearinggymshortsandaT-shirt.“What’sup?”heaskedus,hiseyesfallingonme.Heremindedmeofawolf.
Insteadoffeelingflatteredbyacollegeguycheckingmeout,Ijustfeltgrossedout.IwantedtohidebehindJeremiahthewayIusedtohidebehindmymother’sskirtwhenIwasfiveandreallyshy.IhadtoremindmyselfIwassixteen,almostseventeen.ToooldtobenervousaroundaguynamedEricTrusky.EvenifConraddidtellmethatEricwasalwaysforwardinghimfreakypornovideosandstayedonhiscomputerprettymuchallday.Exceptforwhenhewatchedhissoapsfromtwotofour.
Jeremiahclearedhisthroat.“I’mConrad’sbrother,andthisis—ourfriend,”hesaid.“Doyouknowwhereheis?”
Ericopenedthedoorandletusin.“Dude,Ihavenoidea.Hejusttookoff.DidAricallyou?”
“Who’sAri?”IaskedJeremiah.
“TheRA,”hesaid.
“AritheRA,”Irepeated,andthecornersofJeremiah’smouthturnedup.
“Whoareyou?”Ericaskedme.
“Belly.”Iwatchedhim,waitingforaglimmerofrecognition,somethingthatletmeknowthatConradtalkedaboutme,hadatleastmentionedme.Butofcoursetherewasnothing.
“Belly,huh?That’scute.I’mEric,”hesaid,leaningagainstthewall.
“Um,hi,”Isaid.
“So—Conraddidn’tsayanythingtoyoubeforeheleft?”Jeremiahinterjected.
“Hebarelytalks,period.He’slikeanandroid.”Thenhegrinnedatme.“Well,hetalkstoprettygirls.”
Ifeltsickinside.Whatprettygirls?Jeremiahexhaledloudlyandclaspedhishandsbehindhishead.Thenhetookouthisphoneandlookedatit,asiftheremightbesomeanswerthere.
IsatdownonConrad’sbed—navysheetsandnavycomforter.Itwasunmade.Conradalwaysmadehisbedatthesummerhouse.Hotelcornersandeverything.
Sothiswaswherehe’dbeenliving.Thiswashislifenow.
Hedidn’thavealotofthingsinhisdormroom.NoTV,nostereo,nopictureshangingup.Certainlynoneofme,butnoneevenofSusannahorhisdad.Justhiscomputer,hisclothes,someshoes,books.
“Iwasactuallyabouttotakeoff,dudes.Goingtomyparents’countryhouse.Willyouguysjustmakesurethedoorisclosedwhenyouleave?AndwhenyoufindC,tellhimheowesmetwentybucksforthepizza.”
“Noworries,man.I’lltellhim.”IcouldtellJeremiahdidn’tlikeEric,thewayhislipsalmostbutdidn’tquiteformasmilewhenhesaidit.HesatdownatConrad’sdesk,surveyingtheroom.
SomeoneknockedonthedoorandEricambledovertoopenit.Itwasagirl,wearingalong-sleevedshirtandleggingsandsunglassesonthetopofherhead.“Haveyouseenmysweater?”sheaskedhim.Shepeeredaroundhimlikeshewaslookingforsomething.Someone.
Didtheydate,Iwondered?Thatwasmyfirstthought.Mysecondthoughtwas,I’mprettierthanher.Iwasashamedofmyselfforthinkingit,butIcouldn’thelpit.Thetruthwas,itdidn’tmatterwhowasprettier,herorme.Hedidn’twantmeanyway.
Jeremiahjumpedup.“AreyouafriendofCon’s?Doyouknowwherehewent?”
Sheeyeduscuriously.IcouldtellshethoughtJeremiahwascute,thewayshetuckedherhairbehindherearsandtookhersunglassesoff.“Um,yeah.Hi.I’mSophie.Whoareyou?”
“Hisbrother.”Jeremiahwalkedoverandshookherhand.Eventhoughhewasstressedout,hetookthetimetocheckheroutandgiveheroneofhistrademarksmiles,whichshelappedrightup.
“Oh,wow.Youguysdon’tevenlookalike?”Sophiewasoneofthosepeoplewhoendedhersentenceswithaquestionmark.IcouldalreadytellthatifIknewher,Iwouldhateher.
“Yeah,wegetthatalot,”Jeremiahsaid.“DidConsayanythingtoyou,Sophie?”
Shelikedthewayhecalledherbyhername.Shesaid,“Ithinkhesaidhewasgoingtothebeach,tosurforsomething?He’ssocrazy.”
Jeremiahlookedatme.Thebeach.Hewasatthesummerhouse.
WhenJeremiahcalledhisdad,IsatontheedgeofConrad’sbedandpretendednottolisten.HetoldMr.Fisherthateverythingwasfine,thatConradwassafeinCousins.HedidnotmentionthatIwaswithhim.
Hesaid,“Dad,I’llgogethim,it’snobigdeal.”
Mr.Fishersaidsomethingonhisend,andJeremiahsaid,“ButDad—”Thenhelookedoveratme,andmouthed,Berightback
Heheadedintothehallwayandshutthedoorbehindhim.
Afterhewasgone,IlaybackontoConrad’sbedandstaredupattheceiling.Sothiswaswhereheslepteverynight.I’dknownhimallmylife,butinsomeways,hewasstillamysterytome.Apuzzle.
Igotoutofbedandwentovertohisdesk.Gingerly,Iopenedthedrawerandfoundaboxofpens,somebooks,paper.Conradwasalwayscarefulwithhisthings.ItoldmyselfIwasn’tspying.Iwaslookingforproof.IwasBellyConklin,GirlDetective.
Ifounditintheseconddrawer.Arobin’seggblueTiffanyboxstuffedwayintheback.EvenasIwasopeningitIknewitwaswrong,butIcouldn’thelpmyself.Itwasalittlejewelrybox,andtherewasanecklaceinside,apendant.Ipulleditoutandletitdangle.AtfirstIthoughtitwasafigureeight,andthatmaybehewasdatingsomegirlwhoiceskated—andIdecidedIhatedher,too.AndthenItookacloserlook,andlaidithorizontalinthepalmofmyhand.Itwasn’taneight.
Itwasinfinity.
WhichwaswhenIknew.Itwasn’tforsomegirlwhoiceskatedorforSophiedownthehall.Itwasforme.He’dboughtitforme.Herewasmyproof.Proofthathereallydidcare.
Conradwasgoodatmath.Well,hewasgoodateverything,buthewasreallygoodatmath.
Afewweeksafterwestartedtalkingonthephone,whenithadbecomemoreroutinebutnolessthrilling,ItoldhimallabouthowmuchIhatedtrigandhowbadlyIwasdoinginitalready.RightawayIfeltguiltyforbringingitup—thereIwascomplainingaboutmathwhenSusannahhadcancer.Myproblemsweresopettyandjuvenile,sohighschoolcomparedtowhatConradwasgoingthrough.
“Sorry,”I’dsaid.
“Forwhat?”
“Fortalkingaboutmycrappytriggradewhen…”Myvoicetrailedoff.“Whenyourmom’ssick.”
“Don’tapologize.Youcansaywhateveryouwanttome.”Hepaused.“AndBelly,mymomisgettingbetter.Sheputonfivepoundsthismonth.”
Thehopefulnessinhisvoice,itmademefeelsotendertowardhimIcouldhavecried.Isaid,“Yeah,Iheardthatfrommymomyesterday.That’sreallygoodnews.”
“So,okaythen.SohasyourteachertaughtyouSOH-CAH-TOAyet?”
Fromthenon,Conradstartedhelpingme,alloverthephone.AtfirstIdidn’treallypayattention,Ijustlikedlisteningtohisvoice,listeningtohimexplainthings.Butthenhe’dquizme,andIhatedtodisappointhim.Sobeganourtutoringsessions.Thewaymymothersmirkedatmewhenthephonerangatnight,Iknewshethoughtwewerehavingsomekindofromance,andIdidn’tcorrecther.Itwaseasierthatway.Anditmademefeelgood,peoplethinkingwewereacouple.I’lladmitit.Iletthemthinkit.Iwantedthemto.Iknewthatitwasn’ttrue,notyet,butitfeltlikeitcouldbe.Oneday.Inthemeantime,IhadmyownprivatemathtutorandIreallywasstartingtogetthehangoftrig.Conradhadawayofmakingimpossiblethingsmakesense,andIneverlovedhimmorethanduringthoseschoolnightshespentwithmeonthephone,goingoverthesameproblemsoverandover,untilfinally,Iunderstoodtoo.
Jeremiahcamebackintotheroom,andIclosedmyfistaroundthenecklacebeforehecouldseeit.
“Sowhat’sup?”Iaskedhim.“Isyourdadmad?Whatdidhesay?”
“HewantedtogotoCousinshimself,butItoldhimI’ddoit.There’snowayConradwouldlistentomydadrightnow.Ifmydadcame,itwouldonlypisshimoffmore.”Jeremiahsatdownonthebed.“SoIguesswe’regoingtoCousinsthissummerafterall.”
Assoonashesaidit,itbecamereal.Inmyhead,Imean.SeeingConradwasn’tsomefarawaypretendthing;itwashappening.JustlikethatIforgotallaboutmyplanstosaveConradandIblurtedout,“Maybeyoushouldjustdropmeoffontheway.”
Jeremiahstaredatme.“Areyouserious?Ican’tdealwiththisbymyself.Youdon’tknowhowbadit’sbeen.Eversincemymomgotsickagain,Conrad’sbeeninfreakingself-destructmode.Hedoesn’tgiveashitaboutanything.”Jeremiahstoppedtalkingandthensaid,“ButIknowhestillcareswhatyouthinkabouthim.”
Ilickedmylips;theyfeltverydryallofasudden.“I’mnotsosureaboutthat.”
“Well,Iam.Iknowmybrother.Willyoupleasejustcomewithme?”
WhenIthoughtaboutthelastthingI’dsaidtoConrad,shametookoveranditburnedmeupinside.Youdon’tsaythosekindsofthingstoapersonwhosemotherjustdied.Youjustdon’t.HowcouldIfacehim?Ijustcouldn’t.
ThenJeremiahsaid,“I’llgetyoubackintimeforyourboatparty,ifthat’swhatyou’resoworriedabout.”
Itwassuchanun-Jeremiah-likethingtosaythatittookmerightoutofmyshamespiralandIglaredathim.“YouthinkIcareaboutastupidFourthofJulyboatparty?”
Hegavemealook.“Youdolovefireworks.”
“Shutup,”Isaid,andhegrinned.“Allright,”Isaid.“Youwin.I’llcome.”
“Allright,then.”Hestoodup.“I’mgonnagotakealeakbeforewego.Oh,andBelly?”
“Yeah?”
Jeremiahsmirkedatme.“Iknewyouweregonnagivein.Youneverhadachance.”
Ithrewapillowathimandhedodgeditanddidalittlevictorylaptothedoor.“Hurryupandpee,youjerk.”
Whenhewasgone,Iputthenecklaceon,underneathmytanktop.Ithadleftalittleinfinityindentationinmyhand,I’dbeenholdingontoitsohard.
WhydidIdoit?WhydidIputiton?Whydidn’tIjustputitinmypocket,orleaveitinthebox?Ican’tevenexplainit.AllIknewwas,Ijustreally,reallywantedtowearit.Itfeltlikeitbelongedtome.chapterfifteen
BeforeweheadeddowntothecarIgrabbedConrad’stextbooksandnotebooksandhislaptopandstuffedasmuchasIcouldintotheNorthFacebackpackI’dfoundinhiscloset.“Thiswayhe’llbeabletostudyforthosemidtermsonMonday,”Isaid,handingJeremiahthelaptop.
Hewinkedandsaid,“Ilikethewayyouthink,BellyConklin.”
Onthewayout,westoppedbyAritheRA’sroom.Hisdoorwasopenandhewassittingathisdesk.Jeremiahpoppedhisheadinandsaid,“Hey,Ari.I’mConrad’sbrother,Jeremiah.WefoundConrad.Thanksfortheheads-up,man.”
Aribeamedathim.“Noproblem.”Jeremiahmadefriendswhereverhewent.EveryonewantedtobeJeremiahFisher’sfriend.
Thenwewereonourway.HeadedstraighttoCousins,fullstop.Wedrovewiththewindowsdown,theradioup.
Wedidn’ttalkmuch,butthistimeIdidn’tmind.Ithinkwewerebothtoobusythinking.Me,IwasthinkingaboutthelasttimeIheadeddownthisroad.Only,ithadn’tbeenwithJeremiah.IthadbeenwithConrad.chaptersixteen
Itwas,withoutadoubt,oneofthebestnightsofmylife.RightuptherewithNewYear’sEveatDisneyWorld.MyparentswerestillmarriedandIwasnine.WewatchedfireworksrocketrightoverCinderella’spalace,andStevendidn’tevencomplain.
Whenhecalled,Ididn’trecognizehisvoice,partlybecauseIwasn’texpectingitandpartlybecauseIwasstillhalf-asleep.Hesaid,“I’minmycaronmywaytoyourhouse.CanIseeyou?”
Itwastwelvethirtyinthemorning.Bostonwasfiveandahalfhoursaway.Hehaddrivenallnight.Hewantedtoseeme.
ItoldhimtoparkdownthestreetandIwouldmeethimonthecorner,aftermymotherhadgonetobed.Hesaidhe’dwait.
Iturnedthelightsoffandwaitedbythewindow,watchingforthetaillights.AssoonasIsawhiscar,Iwantedtorunoutside,butIhadtowait.Icouldhearmymotherrustlingaroundinherroom,andIknewshewouldreadinbedforatleasthalfanhourbeforeshefellasleep.Itfeltliketorture,knowinghewasouttherewaitingforme,notbeingabletogotohim.Itwasacrazyidea,becauseitwaswinter,anditwouldbefreezingcoldinCousins.Butwhenhesuggestedit,itfeltcrazyinagoodway.
InthedarkIputonmyscarfandhatthatGrannaknitmeforChristmas.ThenIshutmybedroomdoorandtiptoeddownthehallwaytomymother’sroom,pressingmyearagainstthedoor.ThelightwasoffandIcouldhearhersnoringsoftly.Stevenwasn’tevenhomeyet,whichwasluckyforme,becausehe’salightsleeperjustlikeourdad.
Mymotherwasfinallyasleep;thehousewasstillandsilent.OurChristmastreewasstillup.WekeptthelightsonallnightbecauseitmadeitstillfeellikeChristmas,likeanyminute,Santacouldshowupwithgifts.Ididn’tbotherleavingheranote.Iwouldcallherinthemorning,whenshewokeupandwonderedwhereIwas.
Icreptdownthestairs,carefulonthecreakystepinthemiddle,butonceIwasoutofthehouse,Iflewdownthefrontsteps,acrossthefrostylawn.Itcrunchedalongthebottomsofmysneakers.Iforgottoputonmycoat.Irememberedthescarfandhat,butnocoat.
Hiscarwasonthecorner,rightwhereitwassupposedtobe.Thecarwasdark,nolights,andIopenedthepassengersidedoorlikeI’ddoneitamilliontimesbefore.
Ipokedmyheadinside,butIdidn’tgoin,notyet.Iwantedtolookathimfirst.Itwaswinter,andhewaswearingagrayfleece.Hischeekswerepinkfromthecold,histanhadfaded,buthestilllookedthesame.“Hey,”Isaid,andthenIclimbedinside.
“You’renotwearingacoat,”hesaid.
“It’snotthatcold,”Isaid,eventhoughitwas,eventhoughIwasshiveringasIsaidit.
“Here,”hesaid,shruggingoutofhisfleeceandhandingittome.
Iputiton.Itwaswarm,anditdidn’tsmelllikecigarettes.Itjustsmelledlikehim.SoConradquitsmokingafterall.Thethoughtmademesmile.
Hestartedtheengine.
Isaid,“Ican’tbelieveyou’rereallyhere.”
Hesoundedalmostshywhenhesaid,“Meneither.”Andthenhehesitated.“Areyoustillcomingwithme?”
Icouldn’tbelieveheevenhadtoask.Iwouldgoanywhere.“Yes,”Itoldhim.Itfeltlikenothingelseexistedoutsideofthatword,thatmoment.Therewasjustus.Everythingthathadhappenedthatsummer,andeverysummerbeforeit,hadallleduptothis.Tonow.
Sittingnexttohiminthepassengerseatfeltlikeanimpossiblegift.ItfeltlikethebestChristmasgiftofmylife.Becausehewassmilingatme,andhewasn’tsomber,orsolemn,orsad,oranyoftheothers-wordsIhadcometoassociatewithConrad.Hewaslight,hewasebullient,hewasallthebestpartsofhimself.
“IthinkI’mgoingtobeadoctor,”hetoldme,lookingatmesideways.
“Really?Wow.”
“Medicineisprettyamazing.Forawhile,IthoughtIwouldwanttogointotheresearchendofit,butnowIthinkI’dratherbeworkingwithactualpeople.”
Ihesitated,andthensaid,“Becauseofyourmom?”
Henodded.“She’sgettingbetter,youknow.Medicineismakingthatpossible.She’srespondingreallywelltohernewtreatment.Didyourmomtellyou?”
“Yeah,shedid,”Isaid.Eventhoughshehaddonenosuchthing.Sheprobablyjustdidn’twanttogetmyhopesup.Sheprobablydidn’twanttogetherownhopesup.Mymotherwaslikethat.Shedidn’tallowherselftogetexciteduntilsheknewitwasasurething.Notme.AlreadyIfeltlighter,happier.Susannahwasgettingbetter.IwaswithConrad.Everythingwashappeningthewayitwassupposedto.
Ileanedoverandsqueezedhisarm.“It’sthebestnewsever,”Isaid,andImeantit.
Hesmiledatme,anditwaswrittenalloverhisface:hope.
Whenwegottothehouse,itwasfreezingcold.WecrankedtheheatupandConradstartedafire.Iwatchedhimsquatandtearuppiecesofpaperandpokeattheloggently.Ibethe’dbeengentlewithhisdog,Boogie.IbetheusedtoletBoogiesleepinthebedwithhim.Thethoughtofbedsandsleepsuddenlymademenervous.ButIshouldn’thavebeen,becauseafterhelitthefire,ConradsatontheLa-Z-Boyandnotonthecouchnexttome.Thethoughtsuddenlyoccurredtome:Hewasnervoustoo.Conrad,whowasnevernervous.Never.
“Whyareyousittingallthewayoverthere?”Iaskedhim,andIcouldhearmyheartpoundingbehindmyears.Icouldn’tbelieveI’dbeenbraveenoughtoactuallysaywhatIwasthinking.
Conradlookedsurprisedtoo,andhecameoverandsatnexttome.Iinchedclosertohim.Iwantedhimtoputhisarmsaroundme.IwantedtodoallthethingsI’donlyseenonTVandheardTaylortalkabout.Well,maybenotall,butsome.
Inalowvoice,Conradsaid,“Idon’twantyoutobescared.”
Iwhispered,“I’mnot,”eventhoughIwas.Notscaredofhim,butscaredofeverythingIfelt.Sometimesitwastoomuch.WhatIfeltforhimwasbiggerthantheworld,thananything.
“Good,”hebreathed,andthenhewaskissingme.
Hekissedmelongandslowandeventhoughwe’dkissedoncebefore,Ineverthoughtitcouldbelikethis.Hetookhistime;heranhishandalongthebottomofmyhair,thewayyoudowhenyouwalkpasthangingwindchimes.
Kissinghim,beingwithhimlikethat…itwascoollemonadewithalongstraw,sweetandmeasuredandpleasurableinawaythatfeltinfinite.ThethoughtcrossedmymindthatIneverwantedhimtostopkissingme.Icoulddothisforever,Ithought.
Wekissedonthecouchlikethatforwhatcouldhavebeenhoursorminutes.Allwedidthatnightwaskiss.Hewascareful,thewayhetouchedme,likeIwasaChristmasornamenthewasafraidofbreaking.
Once,hewhispered,“Areyouokay?”
Once,IputmyhanduptohischestandIcouldfeelhisheartbeatingasfastasmine.Isnuckapeekathim,andforsomereason,itdelightedmetoseehiseyesclosed.Hislasheswerelongerthanmine.
Hefellasleepfirst.I’dheardsomethingabouthowyouweren’tsupposedtosleepwithafirestillburning,soIwaitedforittodiedown.IwatchedConradsleepforawhile.Helookedlikealittleboy,thewayhishairfellonhisforeheadandhiseyelasheshithischeek.Ididn’trememberhimeverlookingthatyoung.WhenIwassurehewasasleep,Ileanedin,Iwhispered,“Conrad.There’sonlyyou.Forme,there’sonlyeverbeenyou.”
MymotherfreakedoutwhenIwasn’thomethatmorning.ImissedtwocallsfromherbecauseIwasasleep.Whenshecalledthethirdtime,furious,Isaid,“Didn’tyougetmynote?”
ThenIrememberedIhadn’tleftone.
Shepracticallygrowled.“No,Ididnotseeanynote.Don’tyoueverleaveinthemiddleofthenightwithouttellingmeagain,Belly.”
“EvenifI’mjustgoingforamidnightstroll?”Ijoked.Memakingmymotherlaughwasasurething.Iwouldtellajokeandherangerwouldevaporateaway.IstartedtosingherfavoritePatsyClinesong.“Igooutwalkin’,aftermidnight,outinthemoonlight—”
“Notfunny.Whereareyou?”Hervoicewastight,clipped.
Ihesitated.Therewasnothingmymotherhatedworsethanaliar.She’dfindoutanyway.Shewaslikeapsychic.“Um.Cousins?”
Iheardhertakeabreath.“Withwho?”
Ilookedoverathim.Hewaslisteningintently.Iwishedhewasn’t.“Conrad,”Isaid,loweringmyvoice.
Herreactionsurprisedme.Iheardherbreatheagain,butthistimeitwasalittlesigh,likeasighofrelief.“You’rewithConrad?”
“Yes.”
“Howishe?”Itwasastrangequestion,whatwithherinthemiddleofbeingmadatme.
IsmiledathimandfannedmyfacelikeIwasrelieved.Hewinkedatme.“Great,”Isaid,relaxing.
“Good.Good,”shesaid,butitwaslikeshewastalkingtoherself.“Belly,Iwantyouhometonight.Areweclear?”
“Yes,”Isaid.Iwasgrateful.Ithoughtshe’ddemandthatweleaverightaway.
“TellConradtodrivecarefully.”Shepaused.“AndBelly?”
“Yes,Laurel?”ShealwayssmiledwhenIcalledherbyherfirstname.
“Havefun.Thiswillbeyourlastfundayforalong,longtime.”
Igroaned.“AmIgrounded?”Beinggroundedwasanovelty;mymotherhadnevergroundedmebefore,butIguessIhadnevergivenherareasonto.
“Thatisaverystupidquestion.”
Nowthatshewasn’tmadanymore,Icouldn’tresist.“Ithoughtyousaidtherewerenostupidquestions?”
Shehungupthephone.ButIknewIhadmadehersmile.
IclosedmyphoneandfacedConrad.“Whatdowedonow?”
“Whateverwewant.”
“Iwanttogoonthebeach.”
Sothat’swhatwedid.Wegotbundledupandweranonthebeachinrainbootswefoundinthemudroom.IworeSusannah’s,andtheyweretwosizestoobig,andIkeptslippinginthesand.Ifellonmybutttwice.Iwaslaughingthewholetime,butIcouldbarelyhearitbecausethewindwashowlingsoloud.Whenwecamebackinside,Iputmyfreezinghandsonhischeeksandinsteadofpushingthemaway,hesaid,“Ahh,feelsgood.”
Ilaughedandsaid,“That’sbecauseyou’recoldhearted.”
HeputmyhandsinhiscoatpocketsandsaidinavoicesosoftIwonderedifIheardhimright,“Foreveryoneelse,maybe.Butnotforyou.”Hedidn’tlookatmewhenhesaidit,whichishowIknewhemeantit.
Ididn’tknowwhattosay,soinstead,Igotonmytiptoesandkissedhimonthecheek.Itwascoldandsmoothagainstmylips.
Conradsmiledbrieflyandthenstartedwalkingaway.“Areyoucold?”heasked,hisbacktome.
“Sortof,”Isaid.Iwasblushing.
“I’llbuildanotherfire,”hesaid.
Whileheworkedonthefire,IfoundanoldboxofSwissMisshotchocolateinthepantry,nexttotheTwiningsteasandmymother’sChockfullo’Nutscoffee.Susannahusedtomakeushotchocolateonrainynights,whentherewasachillintheair.Sheusedmilk,butofcoursetherewasn’tany,soIusedwater.
AsIsatonthecouchandstirredmycup,watchingtheminimarshmallowsdisintegrate,Icouldfeelmyheartbeating,like,amilliontimesaminute.WhenIwaswithhim,Icouldn’tseemtocatchmybreath.
Conraddidn’tstopmovingaround.Hewasrippinguppiecesofpaper,hewaspokingattheembers,hewassquattinginfrontofthefireplace,shiftinghisweightbackandforth.
“Doyouwantyourcocoa?”Iaskedhim.
Helookedbackatme.“Okay,sure.”
HesatnexttomeonthecouchanddrankfromtheSimpsonsmug.Ithadalwaysbeenhisfavorite.“Thistastes—”
“Amazing?”
“Dusty.”
Welookedateachotherandlaughed.“Foryourinformation,cocoaismyspecialty.Andyou’rewelcome,”Isaid,takingmyfirstsip.Itdidtastealittledusty.
Hepeeredatmeandtippedmyfaceup.Thenhereachedoutandrubbedmycheekwithhisthumblikehewaswipingawaysoot.“DoIhavecocoapowderonmyface?”Iasked,suddenlyparanoid.
“No,”hesaid.“Justsomedirt—oops,Imean,freckles.”
Ilaughedandslappedhimonthearm,andthenhegrabbedmyhandandpulledmeclosertohim.Hepushedmyhairoutofmyeyes,andIworriedhecouldhearthewayIdrewmybreathinwhenhetouchedme.
Itwasgettingdarkeranddarkeroutside.Conradsighedandsaid,“I’dbettergetyouback.”
Ilookeddownatmywatch.Itwasfiveo’clock.“Yeah…Iguesswe’dbettergo.”
Neitherofusmoved.Hereachedoutandwoundmyhairaroundhisfingerslikeaspoolofyarn.“Ilovehowsoftyourhairis,”hesaid.
“Thanks,”Iwhispered.I’dneverthoughtofmyhairasanythingspecial.Itwasjusthair.Anditwasbrown,andbrownwasn’tasspecialasblondorblackorred.Butthewayhelookedatit…atme.Likeitheldsomekindoffascinationforhim,likehewouldnevergettiredoftouchingit.
Wekissedagain,butitwasdifferentthanthenightbefore.Therewasnothingsloworlazyaboutit.Thewayhelookedatme—urgent,wantingme,needingme…itwaslikeadrug.Itwaswant-want-want.Butitwasmewhowasdoingthewantingmostofall.
WhenIpulledhimcloser,whenIputmyhandsunderneathhisshirtanduphisback,heshiveredforasecond.“Aremyhandstoocold?”Iasked.
“No,”hesaid.Thenheletgoofmeandsatup.Hisfacewassortofredandhishairwasstickingupintheback.Hesaid,“Idon’twanttorushanything.”
Isatuptoo.“ButIthoughtyoualready—”Ididn’tknowhowtofinishthesentence.Thiswassoembarrassing.I’dneverdonethisbefore.
Conradturnedevenredder.Hesaid,“Yeah,Imean,Ihave.Butyouhaven’t.”
“Oh,”Isaid,lookingdownatmysock.ThenIlookedup.“HowdoyouknowIhaven’t?”
Nowhelookedredasabeetandhestuttered,“Ijustthoughtyouhadn’t—Imean,Ijustassumed—”
“YouthoughtIhadn’tdoneanythingbefore,right?”
“Well,yeah.Imean,no.”
“Youshouldn’tmakeassumptionslikethat,”Isaid.
“I’msorry,”hesaid.Hehesitated.“So—youhavethen?”Ijustlookedathim.
Whenheopenedhismouthtospeak,Istoppedhim.Isaid,“Ihaven’t.Notevenclose.”
ThenIleanedforwardandkissedhimonthecheek.Itfeltlikeaprivilegejusttobeabletodothat,tokisshimwheneverIwanted.“You’rereallysweettome,”Iwhispered,andIfeltsogladandgratefultobethere,inthatmoment.
Hiseyesweredarkandseriouswhenhesaid,“Ijust—wanttoalwaysknowthatyou’reokay.It’simportanttome.”
“Iamokay,”Isaid.“I’mbetterthanokay.”
Conradnodded.“Good,”hesaid.Hestoodandgavemehishandtohelpmeup.“Let’sgetyouhome,then.”
Ididn’tgethomethatnightuntilaftermidnight.Westoppedandgotdinneratadineroffthehighway.Iorderedpancakesandfrenchfries,andhepaid.WhenIgothome,mymotherwassomad.ButIdidn’tregretit.Ineverregrettedit,notforonesecond.Howdoyouregretoneofthebestnightsofyourentirelife?Youdon’t.Youremembereveryword,everylook.Evenwhenithurts,youstillremember.chapterseventeen
Wedrovethroughtown,byalltheoldplaces,theminigolfcourse,thecrabshack,andJeremiahdroveasfasthecould,whistling.Iwishedhewouldslowdown,makethedrivelastforever.Butitwouldn’t,ofcourse.Wewerealmostthere.
Ireachedintomybagandpulledoutalittlepotoflipgloss.Idabbedsomeglossonmylipsandyankedmyfingersthroughmyhair.Itwasalltangledbecausewe’dhadthewindowsdown,anditwasamess.Inmyperipheralvision,IcouldfeelJeremiah’seyesonme.HewasprobablyshakinghisheadandthinkingwhatadumbgirlIwas.Iwantedtotellhim,Iknow,Iamadumbgirl.I’mnobetterthanTaylor.ButIcouldn’tjustwalkinandfaceConradwithrattyhair.
WhenIsawhiscarinthedriveway,Icouldfeelmyheartconstrict.Hewasinthere.Likeashot,Jeremiahwasoutofthecarandboundingtowardthehouse.Hetookthestairstwoatatime,andItrailedafterhim.
Itwasstrange;thehousestillsmelledthesame.Forsomereason,Ihadn’tbeenexpectingthat.MaybewithSusannahgone,I’dthoughtitwouldallfeeldifferent.Butitdidn’t.Ialmostexpectedtoseeherfloatingaroundinoneofherhousedresses,waitingforusinthekitchen.
Conradactuallyhadthenervetolookannoyedwhenhesawus.He’djustcomeinfromsurfing;hishairwaswetandhestillhadhissuiton.Ifeltdazed—eventhoughithadonlybeentwomonths,itwaslikeseeingaghost.Theghostoffirstlovepast.HiseyesflickeredonmeforaboutonesecondbeforeroundingonJeremiah.“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”heaskedhim.
“I’mheretopickyouupandtakeyoubacktoschool,”Jeremiahsaid,andIcouldtellhewasworkinghardtosoundrelaxed,laid-back.“Youreallymessedup,man.Dad’sgoingoutofhismind.”
Conradwavedhimoff.“Tellhimtogoscrewhimself.I’mstaying.”
“Con,youmissedtwoclassesandyou’vegotmidtermsonMonday.Youcan’tjustbail.They’llkickyououtofsummerschool.”
“That’smyproblem.Andwhat’sshedoinghere?”Hedidn’tlookatmewhenhesaidit,anditwaslikehe’dstabbedmeinthechest.
Istartedtobackawayfromthem,towardtheglassslidingdoors.Itwashardtobreathe.
“Ibroughtherwithmetohelp,”Jeremiahsaid.Helookedoveratmeandthentookabreath.“Look,we’vegotallyourbooksandeverything.Youcanstudytonightandtomorrowandthenwecanheadbacktoschool.”
“Screwit.Idon’tcare,”Conradsaid,walkingovertothesofa.Hepeeledoffthetopofhiswetsuit.Hisshoulderswerealreadygettingtan.Hesatdownonthesofa,eventhoughhewasstillwet.
“What’syourproblem?”Jeremiahaskedhim,hisvoicejustbarelyeven.
“Rightnow,thisismyproblem.Youandher.Here.”Forthefirsttimesincewe’darrived,Conradlookedmeintheeyes.“Whydoyouwanttohelpme?Whyareyouevenhere?”
Iopenedmymouthtospeak,butnothingcameout.Justlikealways,hecoulddevastatemewithalook,aword.
Patiently,hewaitedformetosaysomething,andwhenIdidn’t,hedid.
“Ithoughtyouneverwantedtoseemeagain.Youhateme,remember?”Histonewassarcastic,belittling.
“Idon’thateyou,”Isaid,andthenIranaway.Ipushedtheslidingdooropenandsteppedoutsidetotheporch.Iclosedthedoorbehindmeandrandownthestairs,downtothebeach.
Ijustneededtobeonthebeach.Thebeachwouldmakemefeelbetter.Nothing,nothingfeltbetterthanthewaysandfeltbeneathmyfeet.Itwasbothsolidandshifting,constantandever-changing.Itwassummer.
IsatinthesandandIwatchedthewavesruntoshoreandthenspreadoutthinlikewhiteicingonacookie.Ithadbeenamistaketocomehere.NothingIcouldsayordowoulderasethepast.Thewayhe’dsaid“her,”withsuchdisdain.Hedidn’tevencallmebymyname.
Afterawhile,Iheadedbacktothehouse.Jeremiahwasinthekitchenbyhimself.Conradwasnowhereinsight.
“Well,thatwentwell,”hesaid.
“Inevershouldhavecome.”
Jeremiahignoredme.“Tentoonetheonlythinghehasinthefridgeisbeer,”hesaid.“Anytakers?”
Hewastryingtomakemelaugh,butIwouldn’t.Icouldn’t.“Onlyanidiotwouldtakethatbet.”Ibitmylip.Ireally,reallydidn’twanttocry.
“Don’tlethimgettoyou,”Jeremiahsaid.Hepulledonmyponytailandwounditaroundhiswristlikeasnake.
“Ican’thelpit.”Thewayhe’dlookedatme—likeImeantnothingtohim,lessthannothing.
“He’sanidiot;hedoesn’tmeananythinghesays,”Jeremiahsaid.Henudgedme.“Areyousorryyoucame?”
“Yes.”
Jeremiahsmiledatmecrookedly.“Well,I’mnot.I’mgladyoucame.I’mgladI’mnotdealingwithhisBSonmyown.”
Becausehewastrying,Itriedtoo.IopenedupthefridgelikeIwasoneofthosewomenfromThePriceIsRight,thewomenwhoworeeveninggownsandjeweledheels.
“Ta-da,”Isaid.Hewasright,theonlythinginsideweretwocasesofIcehouse.Susannahwould’veflippedifshecouldhaveseenwhathadbecomeofherSub-Zerofridge.“Whatarewegoingtodo?”Iaskedhim.
Helookedoutthewindow,tothebeach.“We’reprobablygoingtohavetostayheretonight.I’llworkonhim;he’llcome.Ijustneedsometime.”Hepaused.“Sohowaboutthis.Whydon’tyougograbsomefoodfordinner,andI’llstayhereandtalktoCon.”
IknewJeremiahwastryingtogetridofme,andIwasglad.Ineededtogetoutofthathouse,awayfromConrad.“Clamrollsfordinner?”Iaskedhim.
JeremiahnoddedandIcouldtellhewasrelieved.“Soundsgood.Whateveryouwant.”Hestartedtopullouthiswallet,butIstoppedhim.
“It’sokay.”
Heshookhishead.“Idon’twantyoutouseyourmoney,”hesaid,handingmetwocreasedtwentiesandhiskeys.“Youalreadycameallthiswaytohelp.”
“Iwantedto.”
“Becauseyou’reagoodpersonandyouwantedtohelpCon,”hesaid.
“Iwantedtohelpyou,too,”Itoldhim.“Imeant,Istilldo.Youshouldn’thavetodealwiththisonyourown.”
Foronebriefmoment,hedidn’tlooklikehimself.Helookedlikehisfather.“Whoelsewill?”Andthenhesmiledatme,andhewasJeremiahagain.Susannah’sboy,sunshineandsmiles.Herlittleangel.
IlearnedtodrivestickonJeremiah’scar.Itfeltgoodtobeinthedriver’sseatagain.InsteadofturningontheAC,Irolleddownthewindowsandletthesaltyairin.Idroveintotownslowly,andIparkedthecarbytheoldBaptistchurch.
Therewerekidsrunningaroundinbathingsuitsandshorts,andalsoparentsinkhaki,andgoldenretrieverswithoutleashes.Itwasprobablythefirstweekendsinceschoolletout,formostofthem.Therewasjustthatfeelingintheair.IsmiledwhenIsawaboytrailingaftertwooldergirls,probablyhissisters.“Waitup,”heyelled,hisflipflopsslappingalongthepavement.Theyjustwalkedfaster,notlookingback.
Myfirststopwasthegeneralstore.Iusedtospendhoursinthere,mullingoverthepennycandy.Eachchoiceseemedvitallyimportant.Theboyswoulddumpcandyinhaphazardly,ascoopofthis,ahandfulofthat.ButIwascareful,tenbigSwedishFish,fivemaltballs,amedium-sizescoopofpearJellyBellys.Foroldtimes’sake,Ifilledabag.IputinGoobersforJeremiah,aClarkBarforConrad,andeventhoughhewasn’there,aLemonheadforSteven.Itwasacandymemorial,atributetotheCousinsofourchildhood,whenpickingpennycandywasthebiggestandbestpartofourday.
IwasstandinginlinewaitingtopaywhenIheardsomeonesay,“Belly?”
Iturnedaround.ItwasMaureenO’Riley,whoownedthefancyhatshopintown—Maureen’sMillinery.Shewasolderthanmyparents,inherlatefifties,andshewasfriendlywithmymotherandSusannah.Shetookherhatsveryseriously.
Wehugged,andshesmelledthesame,likeMurphyOilSoap.
“How’syourmother?How’sSusannah?”sheaskedme.
“Mymother’sfine,”Itoldher.Imovedupinline,awayfromMaureen.
Shemovedupwithme.“AndSusannah?”
Iclearedmythroat.“Hercancercameback,andshepassedaway.”
Maureen’stanfacewrinkledupinalarm.“Ihadn’theard.I’msorrytohearthat.Iwasveryfondofher.When?”
“BeginningofMay,”Isaid.Itwasalmostmyturntopay,andthenIcouldleaveandthisconversationwouldbeover.
ThenMaureenclaspedmyhand,andmyfirstimpulsewastosnatchitaway,eventhoughI’dalwayslikedMaureen.Ijustdidn’twanttostandinthegeneralstore,talkingaboutSusannahbeingdeadlikeitwastowngossip.WeweretalkingaboutSusannahhere.
Shemusthavesensedit,becausesheletgo.Shesaid,“IwishI’dknown.Pleasesendmycondolencestotheboysandyourmother.AndBelly,comebythestoreandseemesometime.We’llgetyoufittedforahat.Ithinkit’stimeyouhadone,somethingwithatrim.”
“I’veneverwornahat,”Isaid,fumblingformywallet.
“It’stime,”Maureensaidagain.“Somethingtosetyouoff.Comeby,I’lltakecareofyou.Apresent.”
After,Iwalkedthroughtownslowly,stoppingatthebookstoreandthesurfshop.Iwalkedaimlessly,dippingmyhandintothecandybagonoccasion.Ididn’twanttorunintoanybodyelsebutIwasinnohurrytogetbacktothehouse.ItwasobviousConraddidn’twantmearound.WasImakingthingsworse?Thewayhe’dlookedatme…itwasharderthanI’dthoughtitwasgoingtobe,seeinghimagain.Beinginthathouseagain.Amilliontimesharder.
WhenIgotbacktothehousewiththerollsinagreasypaperbag,JeremiahandConradweredrinkingbeeroutonthebackdeck.Thesunwassetting.Itwasgoingtobeabeautifulsunset.
Ithrewthekeysandthebagdownonthetableandfellontoaloungechair.“Passmeabeer,”Isaid.Itwasn’tbecauseIparticularlylikedbeer.Ididn’t.ItwasbecauseIwantedtobeapartofthem,thewayhavingafewbeersoutbackhadbroughtthemtogetherinsomesmallway.Justliketheolddays,allIwantedwastobeincluded.
IexpectedConradtoglareatmeandtellmeno,hewouldnotbepassingmeanybeer.Whenhedidn’t,Iwassurprisedtofeeldisappointed.JeremiahreachedintothecoolerandthrewmeanIcehouse.Hewinkedatme.“SincewhendoesourBellyButtondrink?”hesaid.
“I’malmostseventeen,”Iremindedhim.“Don’tyouthinkI’mtoooldforyoutocallmethat?”
“Iknowhowoldyouare,”Jeremiahsaid.
Conradreachedintothepaperbagandpulledoutasandwich.Hebitintoithungrily,andIwonderedifhehadeatenanythingallday.
“You’rewelcome,”Itoldhim.Icouldn’thelpmyself.Hehadn’tlookedmywayoncesinceIgotback.Iwantedtomakehimacknowledgeme.
Hegruntedthanks,andJeremiahshotmeawarninglook.Like,Don’tpisshimoffjustwhenthingsaregood.
Jeremiah’sphonebuzzedonthetable,andhedidn’tmovetopickitup.Conradsaid,“I’mnotleavingthishouse.Tellhimthat.”
Myheadjerkedup.Whatdidthatmean,hewasn’tleaving?Like,ever?IstaredhardatConrad,buthisfacewasasimpassiveasever.
Jeremiahstoodup,pickedupthephone,andwalkedbackintothehouse.Heclosedtheslidingdoorbehindhim.Forthefirsttime,ConradandIwerelefttoourselves.Theairbetweenusfeltheavy,andIwonderedifhewassorryforwhathe’dsaidearlier.IwonderedifIshouldsaysomething,tryandfixthings.ButwhatwouldIsay?Ididn’tknowiftherewasanythingIcouldsay.
SoIdidn’ttry.InsteadIletthemomentpassandIjustsighedandleanedbackontomychair.Theskywaspinkygold.Ihadthefeelingthattherewasnothingmorebeautifulthanthis,thatthisparticularsunsetmatchedthebeautyofanythinginthisworld,tentimesover.Icouldfeelallthetensionofthedaydriftingawayfrommeandouttosea.IwantedtomemorizeitallincaseIdidn’tgettocomebackagain.Youneverknowthelasttimeyou’llseeaplace.Aperson.chaptereighteen
WesataroundwatchingTVforawhile.Jeremiahdidn’tmakeanymoremovestotalktoConrad,andnoonementionedschoolorMr.Fisher.IwonderedifJeremiahwaswaitingtobealonewithhimagain.
Iforcedmyselftoyawn.Tonooneinparticular,Isaid,“I’msotired.”
AssoonasIsaidit,IrealizedIreallywas.Iwassotired.Itfeltlikeithadbeenthelongestdayever.EventhoughallIreallydidwasridearoundinacar,Ifeltcompletelydrainedofenergy.
“I’mgoingtosleep,”Iannounced,yawningagain,thistimeforreal.
“Goodnight,”Jeremiahsaid,andConraddidn’tsayanything.
AssoonasIgottomyroom,Iopenedmyovernightbag,andIwashorrifiedwhenIsawwhatwasinside.TherewasTaylor’sbrand-newginghambikini,herprizedplatformsandals,aneyeletsundress,thecutoffsthatherdadreferredtoas“denimunderwear,”afewsilkytops,andinsteadofthebigT-shirtI’dbeenlookingforwardtowearingtosleep,apinkpajamasetwithlittleredhearts.Littleshortsandamatchingtanktop.Iwantedtokillher.I’dassumedshewasaddingtowhatI’dalreadypacked,notreplacingit.Theonlythingshe’dleftofminewastheunderwear.
Thethoughtofprancingaroundthehouseinthosepajamas,beingseenonthewaytobrushmyteethinthemorning,mademewanttohither.Hard.IknewthatTaylormeantwell.Shethoughtshewasdoingmeafavor.Givingupherplatformsandalsforthenightwasaltruistic,forTaylor.ButIwasstillmad.
ItwasjustlikethethingwithCory.Taylordidwhatshewantedtodo,andshedidn’tcarewhatIthoughtaboutit.ShenevercaredwhatIthoughtaboutit.Itwasn’tjustherfaultthough,becauseIlether.
AfterIbrushedmyteeth,IputonTaylor’spajamasandgotintobed.IwasdeliberatingoverwhetherornottoreadabookbeforeIwenttosleep,oneoftheoldpaperbacksonmyshelf,whensomeoneknockedonmydoor.Ipulledthecoversuptomyneckandsaid,“Comein!”
ItwasJeremiah.Heclosedthedoorbehindhimandsatatthefootofmybed.“Hey,”hewhispered.
Iloosenedthegriponmycovers.ItwasonlyJeremiah.“Hey.What’sgoingon?Didyoutalktohim?”
“Notyet.I’mgonnaeaseuponhimtonightandtryagaintomorrow.I’mjusttryingtolaydownthegroundworkfirst,plantsomeseeds.”Hegavemeaconspiratoriallook.“Youknowhowheis.”
Idid.“Okay.Thatsoundsgood.”
Heheldhishandoutforahighfive.“Don’tworry.We’vegotthis.”
Ihigh-fivedhim.“We’vegotthis,”Irepeated.Icouldhearthedoubtinmyvoice,butJeremiahjustsmiledlikeitwasalreadyadonedeal.chapternineteen
JEREMIAH
WhenBellygotuptogotobed,IknewshewantedmetostayandtrytotalktoConradaboutschool.Iknewitbecausewhenwewerelittlekids,weusedtopracticeESPoneachother.BellywasconvincedIcouldreadhermindandshecouldreadmine.Thetruthwas,IcouldjustreadBelly.Whenevershewasabouttotellalie,herlefteyesquintedalittle.Whenevershewasnervous,shesuckedinhercheeksbeforeshespoke.Shewasaneasyread,alwayshadbeen.
IlookedoveratConrad.“Wannagetupearlyandsurftomorrow?”Iaskedhim.
“Sure,”hesaid.
TomorrowIwouldtalktohimaboutschoolandhowimportantitwastogoback.Everythingwouldworkout.
WewatchedsomemoreTV,andwhenConradfellasleeponthecouch,Iwentupstairstomyroom.Downthehall,Belly’slightwasstillon.Iwentoverandstoodoutsideherdoorandknockedsoftly.Ifeltlikesuchanidiotstandingoutsideherdoorway,knocking.Whenwewerekids,wejustraninandoutofeachother’sroomswithoutthinking.Iwisheditwasstillassimpleasthat.
“Comein,”shesaid.
Iwalkedinandsatattheedgeofherbed.WhenIrealizedshewasalreadyinherpajamas,Ialmostturnedrightbackaroundandleft.IhadtoremindmyselfthatI’dseenherinherpajamasamilliontimesbefore,andwhatwasthebigdeal?ButsheusedtoalwayswearabigT-shirtliketherestofus,andnowshewaswearingsomeskimpypinktopwithlittlestraps.Iwonderedifitwascomfortabletosleepin.chaptertwenty
JULY4
WhenIwokeupthenextmorning,Ididn’tgetoutofbedrightaway.I
justlaidthereandpretendedlikeitwasanyothermorningatthesummerhouse.My
sheetssmelledthesame;mystuffedbear,JuniorMint,wasstillsittingonthedresser.
Itwasjustlikealways.Susannahandmymotherweretakingawalkonthebeach,andthe
boyswereeatingalltheblueberrymuffinsandleavingmewithmymother’sKashicereal.
Therewouldbeaboutaninchofmilkleft,andnojuice,either.Itusedtoinfuriate
me;nowIsmiledatthethought.
Butitwasallmake-believe.Iknewthat.Therewasnomother,nobrother,
noSusannahhere.
EventhoughIhadgonetobedearlythenightbefore,Isleptlate.Itwas
alreadyalmosteleven.Ihadsleptfortwelvehours.Ihadn’tsleptthatwellin
weeks.
Igotoutofbedandwenttolookoutmywindow.
Lookingoutmybedroomwindowatthesummerhousealwaysmademefeelbetter.Iwished
everywindowlookedoutatanocean,nothingbutmilesandmilesofsandandsea.Down
thebeach,JeremiahandConradwerebobbingonsurfboardsinblackwetsuits.Itwassuch
afamiliarsight.Andjustlikethat,Iwashopeful.MaybeJeremiahwasright.Maybe
Conradwouldcomebackwithusafterall.
AndthenIwouldgobackhome,awayfromhimandfromeverythinghe
remindedmeof.IwouldlayoutattheneighborhoodpoolandIwouldhangbythesnack
barwithTaylor,andprettysoonthesummerwouldgoby.Iwouldforgethowitusedto
be.
Thistimereallywasthelasttime.
BeforeIdidanythingelse,IcalledTaylor.Iexplainedhowwewereall
inCousins,howwejustneededtoconvinceConradtogobacktoschoolandfinishout
summersession.
Thefirstthingshesaidwas,“Belly,whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“YouknowwhatImean.Thiswholesituationismessedup.Youshouldbeat
homewhereyoubelong.”
Isighed.
“WhatdoyoucareifConradisacollegedropout?”shesaid.“Lethimbea
loserifhewants.”
EventhoughIknewnoonecouldhearme,Iloweredmyvoice.“He’sgoing
throughalotrightnow.Heneedsus.”
“Heneedshisbrother.Who,bytheway,ishotterthanhim,hello!Conrad
doesn’tneedyou.Hecheatedonyou,remember?”
Iwaswhisperingnow.“Hedidn’tcheatonmeandyouknowit.Wewere
alreadybrokenup.It’snotlikewewereeverevenarealcoupleinthefirstplace.”
Thelastpartwashardtosay.
“Oh,right—hedidn’tcheatonyou,hedumpedyourightaftertheprom.
Whatanamazingguy.”
Iignoredher.“Willyoupleasestillcoverformeifmymomcalls?”
Shesniffed.“Duh.Ihappentobealoyalfriend.”
“Thankyou.Oh,andthankyousomuchfortaking
allmyclothes.”
“You’rewelcome,”shesaidallsmug.“AndBelly?”
“Yes?”
“Don’tlosesightofthemissionathand.”
“Well,Jeremiah’sbeenworkingonhim—”
“Notthat,dummy.I’mtalkingaboutthemission.
YouhavetogetConradtowantyouback,andthenyouhavetorebuffhim.Brutally.”
Iwasgladwewereonthephonesoshecouldn’tsee
merollmyeyes.Butthethingwas,shehadapoint.Taylornevergothurtbecauseshe
wastheonewhowasincharge.Shecalledtheshots.Boyswantedher,nottheotherway
around.ShewasalwaysquotingthatlinefromPrettyWoman,
theoneaboutbeingahooker.“Isaywho,Isaywhen,Isaywho.”
Itwasn’tthattheideadidn’tappealtome.Itwasjustthatitwould
neverwork.GettingConradtonoticemethefirsttimearound,howeverbriefly,hadbeen
nearlyimpossible.Itwouldn’tworkasecondtime.
AfterTaylorandIhungup,Icalledmymother.ItoldherthatIwas
stayingatTaylor’shouseagainthatnight,thatshewasstilltooupsetformeto
leave.Mymotheragreed.“You’reagoodfriend,”shesaid.Therewasreliefinhervoice
whensheaskedmetotellTaylor’sparentshello.
Shedidn’tevenquestionthelie.Icouldhearitoverthephone:Allshe
wantedwastobeleftalonewithhergrief.
After,ItookashowerandputontheclothesTaylorpickedforme.A
whitecamisolewithflowersembroideredacrossthetopandherfamouscutoffs.
Iwentdownstairswithmyhairstillwet,tuggingonmyshorts.Theboys
werebackinside,sittingatthekitchentableandeatingdirtbombs,thebigsugary
cinnamonmuffinsthatSusannahusedtogetupearlytobuy.
“LookwhatIgot,”Jeremiahsaid.Hepushedthewhite
paperbagtowardme.
Igrabbedthebagandstuffedhalfadirtbombinsidemymouth.Itwas
stillwarm.“Yum,”Isaid,mymouthfull.“So…what’sup?”
JeremiahlookedatConradhopefully.“Con?”
“Youguysshouldheadoutsoon,ifyouwanttomisstheFourthofJuly
traffic,”Conradsaid,anditkilledmetoseethelookonJeremiah’sface.
“We’renotleavingwithoutyou,”Jeremiahtoldhim.
Conradexhaled.“Look,Jere,Iappreciateyoucominghere.Butasyoucan
see,I’mfine.I’vegoteverythingundercontrol.”
“Likehellyoudo.Con,ifyou’renotbackonMondayforyourexams,
you’reout.Theonlyreasonyou’reeventakingsummerschoolisthoseincompletesfrom
lastsemester.Ifyoudon’tgoback,thenwhat?”
“Don’tworryaboutit.I’llfigurethingsout.”
“Youkeepsayingthat,butdude,youhaven’tfiguredoutshit.Allyou’ve
donesofarisrunaway.”
ThewayConradglaredathim,IknewthatJeremiahhadsaidtheright
thing.Conrad’soldvaluesystemwasstillthere,buriedunderneaththeanger.Theold
Conradwouldnevergiveup.
Itwasmyturntosaysomething.Itookabreathandsaid,“So,howare
yougoingtobecomeadoctorwithoutacollegedegree,Conrad?”
Hedidadoubletake,andthenhestaredatme.I
staredrightback.Yeah,Isaidit.IwouldsaywhateverIhadto,evenifithurt
him.
ItwassomethingI’dlearnedfromwatchingConradinprettymuchevery
gamewe’deverplayed.Atthefirstsignofweakness,youattackfullforce.Youstrike
andyouuseeveryweaponinyourarsenal,andyoudon’tletup.Nomercy.
“IneversaidIwasgoingtobeadoctor,”hesnapped.“Youdon’tknow
whatyou’retalkingabout.”
“Thentellus,”Isaid,andmyheartwasbeatingsofast.
Noonespoke.Foraminute,Ithoughthemightreallyletusin.
Andthenfinally,Conradstoodup.“There’snothingtotell.I’mgonna
headbackoutthere.Thanksforthedirtbombs,Jere.”Tome,hesaid,“Youhavesugar
alloveryourface.”Andjustlikethat,hewasupandslidingtheporchdooropen.
Whenhewasgone,Jeremiahshouted,“Shit!”
Isaid,“Ithoughtyouweregonnaworkonhim!”Itcameoutsoundingmore
accusingthanImeantit.
“Youcan’tpushConradtoohard,hejustshutsdown,”Jeremiahsaid,
crumblingupthepaperbag.
“He’salreadyshutdown.”
IlookedoveratJeremiahandhelookedsodefeated.Ifeltlikebadfor
snappingathim.SoIreachedoutandtouchedhisarm,andsaid,
“Don’tworry.Westillhavetime.It’sonlySaturday,right?”
“Right,”hesaid,buthedidn’tsayitlikehemeantit.
Neitherofussaidanythingmore.Likealways,itwasConradwhodictated
themoodofthehouse,howeveryoneelsefelt.Nothingwouldfeelrightagainuntil
thingswererightwithConrad.chaptertwenty-one
ThefirsttimeithitmethatdaywaswhenIwasinthebathroom,washingthesugaroffmyface.Therewasnotowelhangingup,soIopenedthelinencloset,andontherowbelowthebeachtowels,therewasSusannah’sbigfloppyhat.Theonesheworeeverytimeshesatonthebeach.Shewascarefulwithherskin.Was
NotthinkingaboutSusannah,consciouslynotthinkingabouther,madeiteasier.Becausethenshewasn’treallygone.Shewasjustoffsomeplaceelse.ThatwaswhatI’dbeendoingsinceshedied.Notthinkingabouther.Itwaseasiertodoathome.Buthere,atthesummerhouse,shewaseverywhere.
Ipickedherhatup,helditforasecond,andthenputitbackontheshelf.Iclosedthedoor,andmychesthurtsobadIcouldn’tbreathe.Itwastoohard.Beingthere,inthishouse,wastoohard.
IranupthestairsasfastasIcould.ItookoffConrad’snecklaceandIchangedoutofmyclothesandintoTaylor’sbikini.Ididn’tcarehowstupidIlookedinit.Ijustwantedtobeinthewater.IwantedtobewhereIdidn’thavetothinkaboutanything,wherenothingelseexisted.Iwouldswim,andfloat,andbreatheinandout,andjustbe
MyoldRalphLaurenteddybeartowelwasinthelinenclosetjustlikealways.Iputitaroundmyshoulderslikeablanketandheadedoutside.Jeremiahwaseatinganeggsandwichandswiggingfromacartonofmilk.“Hey,”hesaid.
“Hey.I’mgoingtoswim.”Ididn’taskwhereConradwas,andIdidn’tinviteJeremiahtojoinme.Ineededamomentjustbymyself.
Ipushedtheslidingdooropenandcloseditwithoutwaitingforhimtoanswerme.Ithrewmytowelontoachairandswan-divedin.Ididn’tcomeupforairrightaway.Istayeddownunder;Iheldmybreathuntiltheverylastsecond.
WhenIcameup,IfeltlikeIcouldbreatheagain,likemymuscleswererelaxing.Iswambackandforth,backandforth.Here,nothingelseexisted.Here,Ididn’thavetothink.EachtimeIwentunder,IheldmybreathforaslongasIcould.
Underwater,IheardJeremiahcallmyname.ReluctantlyIcameuptothesurface,andhewascrouchingbythesideofthepool.“I’mgonnagooutforawhile.MaybeI’llpickupapizzaatNello’s,”hesaid,standingup.
Ipushedmyhairoutofmyeyes.“Butyoujustateasandwich.Andyouhadallthosedirtbombs.”
“I’magrowingboy.Andthatwasanhourandahalfago.”
Anhourandahalfago?HadIbeenswimmingforanhourandahalf?Itfeltlikeminutes.“Oh,”Isaid.Iexaminedmyfingers.Theyweretotallypruned.
“Carryon,”Jeremiahsaid,salutingme.
Kickingoffthesideofthepool,Isaid,“Seeya.”ThenIswamasquickasIcouldtotheothersideandflip-turned,justincasehewasstillwatching.He’dalwaysadmiredmyflipturns.
Istayedinthepoolforanotherhour.WhenIcameupforairaftermylastlap,IsawthatConradwassittinginthechairwhereI’dleftmytowel.Hehelditouttomesilently.
Iclimbedoutofthepool.SuddenlyIwasshivering.Itookthetowelfromhimandwrappeditaroundmybody.Hedidnotlookatme.“Doyoustillpretendyou’reattheOlympics?”heaskedme.
Istarted,andthenIshookmyheadandsatdownnexttohim.“No,”Isaid,andthewordhungintheair.Ihuggedmykneestomychest.“Notanymore.”
“Whenyouswim,”hestartedtosay.Ithoughthewasn’tgoingtocontinue,butthenhesaid,“Youwouldn’tnoticeifthehousewasonfire.You’resointowhatyou’redoing,it’slikeyou’resomeplaceelse.”
Hesaiditwithgrudgingrespect.Likehe’dbeenwatchingmeforalongtime,likehe’dbeenwatchingmeforyears.WhichIguesshehad.
Iopenedmymouthtorespond,buthewasalreadystandingup,goingbackintothehouse.Asheclosedtheslidingdoor,Icalledout,“That’swhyIlikeit.”chaptertwenty-two
Iwasbackinmyroom,abouttochangeoutofmybikiniwhenmyphonerang.ItwasSteven’sringtone,aTaylorSwiftsonghepretendedtohatebutsecretlyloved.Forasecond,Ithoughtaboutnotanswering.ButifIdidn’tpickup,he’donlycallbackuntilIdid.Hewasannoyingthatway.
“Hello?”Isaiditlikeaquestion,likeIdidn’talreadyknowitwasSteven.
“Hey,”hesaid.“Idon’tknowwhereyouare,butIknowyou’renotwithTaylor.”
“Howdoyouknowthat?”Iwhispered.
“Ijustranintoheratthemall.She’sworsethanyouatlying.Wherethehellareyou?”
IbitmyupperlipandIsaid,“Atthesummerhouse.InCousins.”
“What?”hesortofyelled.“Why?”
“It’skindofalongstory.JeremiahneededmyhelpwithConrad.”
“Sohecalledyou?”Mybrother’svoicewasincredulousandalsothetiniestbitjealous.
“Yeah.”Hewasdyingtoaskmemore,butIwasbankingonthefactthathispridewouldn’tlethim.Stevenhatedbeingleftout.Hewassilentforamoment,andinthoseseconds,Iknewhewaswonderingaboutallthesummerhousestuffweweredoingwithouthim.
Atlasthesaid,“Mom’sgonnabesopissed.”
“Whatdoyoucare?”
“Idon’tcare,butMomwill.”
“Steven,chillout.I’llbehomesoon.Wejusthavetodoonelastthing.”
“Whatlastthing?”ItkilledhimthatIknewsomethinghedidn’t,thatforonce,hewastheoddmanout.IthoughtI’dtakemorepleasureinit,butIfeltoddlysorryforhim.
SoinsteadofgloatingthewayInormallywould,Isaid,“ConradtookofffromsummerschoolandwehavetogethimbackintimeformidtermsonMonday.”
ThatwouldbethelastthingIwoulddoforhim.Gethimtoschool.Andthenhe’dbefree,andsowouldI.
AfterStevenandIgotoffthephone,Iheardacarpullupinfrontofthehouse.IlookedoutthewindowandtherewasaredHonda,acarIdidn’trecognize.Wealmostneverhadvisitorsatthesummerhouse.
Idraggedacombthroughmyhairandhurrieddownthestairswithmytowelwrappedaroundme.IstoppedwhenIsawConradopenthedoor,andawomanwalkedin.Shewaspetite,withbleachedblondhairthatwasinamessybun,andsheworeblackpantsandasilkcoralblouse.Herfingernailswerepaintedtomatch.Shehadabigfolderinherhandandasetofkeys.
“Well,hellothere,”shesaid.Shewassurprisedtoseehim,asifshewastheonewhowassupposedtobethereandhewasn’t.
“Hello,”Conradsaid.“CanIhelpyou?”
“YoumustbeConrad,”shesaid.“Wespokeonthephone.I’mSandyDonatti,yourdad’srealestateagent.”
Conradsaidnothing.
Shewaggedherfingerathimplayfully.“Youtoldmeyourdadchangedhismindaboutthesale.”
WhenConradstillsaidnothing,shelookedaroundandsawmestandingatthebottomofthestairs.Shefrownedandsaid,“I’mjustheretocheckonthehouse,makesureeverything’scomingalongandgettingpackedup.”
“Yeah,Isentthemoversaway,”Conradsaidcasually.
“Ireallywishyouhadn’tdonethat,”shesaid,herlipstight.WhenConradshrugged,sheadded,“Iwastoldthehousewouldbeempty.”
“Youweregivenerroneousinformation.I’llbeherefortherestofthesummer.”Hegesturedatme.“That’sBelly.”
“Belly?”sherepeated.
“Yup.She’smygirlfriend.”
IthinkIchokedoutloud.
Crossinghisarmsandleaningagainstthewall,hecontinued.“Andyouandmydadmethow?”
SandyDonattiflushed.“Wemetwhenhedecidedtoputthehouseupforsale,”shesnapped.
“Well,thethingis,Sandy,it’snothishousetosell.It’smymother’shouse,actually.Didmydadtellyouthat?”
“Yes.”
“ThenIguesshealsotoldyoushe’sdead.”
Sandyhesitated.Herangerseemedtoevaporateatthementionofdeadmothers.Shewassouncomfortable,shewasshiftingtowardthedoor.“Yes,hedidtellmethat.I’mverysorryforyourloss.”
Conradsaid,“Thankyou,Sandy.Thatmeansalot,comingfromyou.”
Hereyesdartedaroundtheroomonelasttime.“Well,I’mgoingtotalkthingsoverwithyourdadandthenI’llbeback.”
“Youdothat.Makesureyoulethimknowthehouseisoffthemarket.”
Shepursedherlipsandthenopenedhermouthtospeak,butthoughtbetterofit.Conradopenedthedoorforher,andthenshewasgone.
Iletoutabigbreath.Amillionthoughtswererunningthroughmyhead—I’mashamedtosaythatgirlfriendwasprettynearthetopofthelist.Conraddidn’tlookatmewhenhesaid,“Don’ttellJeremiahaboutthehouse.”
“Whynot?”Iasked.Mymindwasstilllingeringontheword“girlfriend.”
HetooksolongtoanswermethatIwasalreadywalkingbackupstairswhenhesaid,“I’lltellhimaboutit.Ijustdon’twanthimtoknowyet.Aboutourdad.”
Istoppedwalking.WithoutthinkingIsaid,“Whatdoyoumean?”
“YouknowwhatImean.”Conradlookedatme,hiseyessteady.
IsupposeIdidknow.HewantedtoprotectJeremiahfromthefactthathisdadwasanasshole.Butitwasn’tlikeJeremiahdidn’talreadyknowwhohisdadwas.Itwasn’tlikeJeremiahwassomedumbkidwithoutaclue.Hehadarighttoknowifthehousewasforsale.
IguessedConradreadallofthisonmyface,becausehesaidinthatmocking,carelesswayofhis,“Socanyoudothatforme,Belly?CanyoukeepasecretfromyourBFFJeremiah?Iknowyoutwodon’tkeepsecretsfromeachother,butcanyouhandleitjustthisonce?”
WhenIglaredathim,allreadytotellhimwhathecoulddowithhissecret,hesaid,“Please?”andhisvoicewaspleading.
SoIsaid,“Allright.Fornow.”
“Thankyou,”hesaid,andhebrushedpastmeandheadedupstairs.Hisbedroomdoorclosed,andtheairconditioningkickedon.
Istayedput.
Ittookaminuteforeverythingtosinkin.Conraddidn’tjustrunawaytosurf.Hedidn’trunawayforthesakeofrunningaway.Hecametosavethehousechaptertwenty-three
LaterthatafternoonJeremiahandConradwentsurfingagain.IthoughtmaybeConradwantedtotellhimaboutthehouse,justthetwoofthem.AndmaybeJeremiahwantedtotryandtalktoConradaboutschoolagain,justthetwoofthem.Thatwasfinebyme.Iwascontentjustwatching.
Iwatchedthemfromtheporch.Isatinadeckchairwithmytowelwrappedtightaroundme.Therewassomethingsocomfortingandrightaboutcomingoutofthepoolwetandyourmomputtingatowelaroundyourshoulders,likeacape.Evenwithoutamothertheretodoitforyou,itwasgood,cozy.AchinglyfamiliarinawaythatmademewishIwasstilleight.Eightwasbeforedeathordivorceorheartbreak.Eightwasjusteight.Hotdogsandpeanutbutter,mosquitobitesandsplinters,bikesandboogieboards.Tangledhair,sunburnedshoulders,JudyBlume,inbedbyninethirty.
Isattherethinkingthosemelancholykindsofthoughtsforalongwhile.Someonewasbarbecuing;Icouldsmellcharcoalburning.IwonderedifitwastheRubensteins,ormaybeitwastheTolers.Iwonderediftheyweregrillingburgers,orsteak.IrealizedIwashungry.
IwanderedintothekitchenbutIcouldn’tfindanythingtoeat.JustConrad’sbeer.Taylortoldmeoncethatbeerwasjustlikebread,allcarbohydrates.IfiguredthateventhoughIhatedthetasteofit,Imightaswelldrinkitifit’dfillmeup.
SoItookoneandwalkedbackoutsidewithit.Isatbackdownonmydeckchairandpoppedthetopoffthecan.Itsnappedverysatisfyingly.Itwasstrangetobeinthishousealone.Notabadfeeling,justadifferentone.I’dbeencomingtothishousemywholelifeandIcouldcountononehandthenumberoftimesI’dbeenaloneinit.Ifeltoldernow.WhichIsupposeIwas,butIguessIdidn’trememberfeelingoldlastsummer.
ItookalongsipofbeerandIwasgladJeremiahandConradweren’ttheretoseeme,becauseImadeaterriblefaceandIknewthey’dgivemecrapforit.
IwastakinganothersipwhenIheardsomeoneclearhisthroat.IlookedupandInearlychoked.ItwasMr.Fisher.
“Hello,Belly,”hesaid.Hewaswearingasuit,likehe’dcomestraightfromwork,whichheprobablyhad,eventhoughitwasaSaturday.Andsomehowhissuitwasn’tevenrumpled,evenafteralongdrive.
“Hi,Mr.Fisher,”Isaid,andmyvoicecameoutallnervousandshaky.
Myfirstthoughtwas,WeshouldhavejustforcedConradintothecarandmadehimgobacktoschoolandtakehisstupidtests.Givinghimtimewasahugemistake.Icouldseethatnow.IshouldhavepushedJeremiahintopushingConrad.
Mr.FisherraisedaneyebrowatmybeerandIrealizedIwasstillholdingit,myfingerslacedarounditsotighttheywerenumb.Isetthebeerontheground,andmyhairfellinmyface,forwhichIwasglad.Itwasamomenttohide,tofigureoutwhattosaynext.
IdidwhatIalwaysdid—Ideferredtotheboys.“Um,so,ConradandJeremiaharen’thererightnow.”Mymindwasracing.Theywouldbebackanyminute.
Mr.Fisherdidn’tsayanything,hejustnoddedandrubbedthebackofhisneck.Thenhewalkeduptheporchstepsandsatinthechairnexttomine.Hepickedupmybeerandtookalongdrink.“How’sConrad?”heasked,settingthebeeronhisarmrest.
“He’sgood,”Isaidrightaway.AndthenIfeltfoolish,becausehewasn’tgoodatall.Hismotherhadjustdied.He’drunawayfromschool.Howcouldhebegood?Howcouldanyofus?ButIguess,inasense,hewasgood,becausehehadpurposeagain.Hehadareason.Tolive.Hehadagoal;hehadanenemy.Thoseweregoodincentives.Eveniftheenemywashisfather.
“Idon’tknowwhatthatkidisthinking,”Mr.Fishersaid,shakinghishead.
WhatcouldIsaytothat?IneverknewwhatConradwasthinking.Iwassurenotmanypeopledid.Evenstill,Ifeltdefensiveofhim.Protective.
Mr.FisherandIsatinsilence.Notcompanionable,easysilence,butstiffandawful.Heneverhadanythingtosaytome,andIneverknewwhattosaytohim.Finallyheclearedhisthroatandsaid,“How’sschool?”
“It’sover,”Isaid,chewingonmybottomlipandfeelingtwelve.“Justfinished.I’llbeaseniorthisfall.”
“Doyouknowwhereyouwanttogotocollege?”
“Notreally.”Thewronganswer,Iknew,becausecollegewasonethingMr.Fisherwasinterestedintalkingabout.Therightkindofcollege,Imean.
Andthenweweresilentagain.
Thiswasalsofamiliar.Thatfeelingofdread,ofimpendingdoom.ThefeelingthatIwasInTrouble.Thatweallwere.chaptertwenty-four
Milkshakes.MilkshakeswereMr.Fisher’sthing.WhenMr.Fishercametothesummerhouse,thereweremilkshakesallthetime.He’dbuyaNeapolitancartonoficecream.StevenandConradwerechocolate,Jeremiahwasstrawberry,andIlikedavanilla-chocolatemix,likethoseFrostiesatWendy’s.Butthick-thick.Mr.Fisher’smilkshakeswerebetterthanWendy’s.Hehadafancyblenderhelikedtouse,thatnoneofuskidsweresupposedtomesswith.Notthathesaidso,exactly,butweknewnotto.Andweneverdid.UntilJeremiahhadtheideaforKool-AidSlurpees.
Therewereno7-ElevensinCousins,andeventhoughwehadmilkshakes,wesometimesyearnedforSlurpees.Whenitwasespeciallyhotoutside,oneofuswouldsay,“Man,IwantaSlurpee,”andthenallofuswouldbethinkingaboutitallday.SowhenJeremiahhadthisideaforKool-AidSlurpees,itwas,like,kismet.HewasnineandIwaseight,andatthetimeitsoundedlikethegreatestideaintheworld,ever.
Weeyedtheblender,wayuphighonthetopshelf.Weknewwe’dhavetouseit—infactwelongedtouseit.Buttherewasthatunspokenrule.
Noonewashomebutthetwoofus.Noonewouldhavetoknow.
“Whatflavordoyouwant?”heaskedmeatlast.
Soitwasdecided.Thiswashappening.Ifeltfearandalsoexhilarationthatweweredoingthisforbiddenthing.Irarelybrokerules,butthisseemedagoodonetobreak.
“BlackCherry,”Isaid.
Jeremiahlookedinthecabinet,buttherewasnone.Heasked,“What’syoursecond-bestflavor?”
“Grape.”
JeremiahsaidthatgrapeKool-AidSlurpeesoundedgoodtohim,too.Themorehesaidthewords“Kool-AidSlurpee,”themoreIlikedthesoundofit.
Jeremiahgotastoolandtooktheblenderdownfromthetopshelf.Hepouredthewholepacketofgrapeintotheblenderandaddedtwobigplasticcupsofsugar.Heletmestir.Thenheemptiedhalftheicedispenserintotheblender,untilitwasfulltothebrim,andhesnappedonthetopthewaywe’dseenMr.Fisherdoitamilliontimes.
“Pulse?Frappe?”heaskedme.
Ishrugged.IneverpaidcloseenoughattentionwhenMr.Fisherusedit.“Probablyfrappe,”Isaid,becauseIlikedthesoundoftheword“frappe.”
SoJeremiahpushedfrappe,andtheblenderstartedtochopandwhir.Butonlythebottompartwasgettingmixed,soJeremiahpushedliquefy.Itkeptatitforaminute,butthentheblenderstartedtosmelllikeburningrubber,andIworrieditwasworkingtoohardwithallthatice.
“We’vegottostiritupmore,”Isaid.“Helpitalong.”
Igotthebigwoodenspoonandtookthetopofftheblenderandstirreditallup.“See?”Isaid.
Iputthetopbackon,butIguessIdidn’tdoittightenough,becausewhenJeremiahpushedfrappe,ourgrapeKool-AidSlurpeewenteverywhere.Alloverus.Alloverthenewwhitecounters,alloverthefloor,alloverMr.Fisher’sbrownleatherbriefcase.
Westaredateachotherinhorror.
“Quick,getpapertowels!”Jeremiahyelled,unpluggingtheblender.Idoveforthebriefcase,moppingitupwiththebottomofmyT-shirt.Theleatherwasalreadystaining,anditwassticky.
“Oh,man,”Jeremiahwhispered.“Helovesthatbriefcase.”
Andhedid.Ithadhisinitialsengravedonthebrassclasp.Hetrulylovedit,maybeevenmorethanhisblender.
Ifeltterrible.Tearsprickedmyeyelids.Itwasallmyfault.“I’msorry,”Isaid.
Jeremiahwasonthefloor,onhishandsandkneeswiping.Helookedupatme,grapeKool-Aiddrippingdownhisforehead.“It’snotyourfault.”
“Yeah,itis,”Isaid,rubbingattheleather.MyT-shirtwasstartingtoturnbrownfromrubbingatthebriefcasesohard.
“Well,yeah,itkindais,”Jeremiahagreed.Thenhereachedoutandtouchedhisfingertomycheekandlickedoffsomeofthesugar.“Tastesgood,though.”
Weweregigglingandslidingourfeetalongthefloorwithpapertowelswheneveryonecamebackhome.Theywalkedinwithlongpaperbags,thekindthelobsterscomein,andStevenandConradhadice-creamcones.
Mr.Fishersaid,“Whatthehell?”
Jeremiahscrambledup.“Wewerejust—”
IhandedthebriefcaseovertoMr.Fisher,myhandshaking.“I’msorry,”Iwhispered.“Itwasanaccident.”
Hetookitfrommeandlookedatit,atthesmearedleather.“Whywereyouusingmyblender?”Mr.Fisherdemanded,buthewasaskingJeremiah.Hisneckwasbrightred.“Youknowyou’renottousemyblender.”
Jeremiahnodded.“I’msorry,”hesaid.
“Itwasmyfault,”Isaidinasmallvoice.
“Oh,Belly,”mymothersaid,shakingherheadatme.Shekneltonthegroundandpickedupthesoakedpapertowels.Susannahhadgonetogetthemop.
Mr.Fisherexhaledloudly.“Whydon’tyoueverlistenwhenItellyousomething?ForGod’ssake.DidIordidInottellyoutoneverusethisblender?”
Jeremiahbithislip,andfromthewayhischinwasquivering,Icouldtellhewasreallyclosetocrying.
“AnswermewhenI’mtalkingtoyou.”
Susannahcamebackinthenwithhermopandbucket.“Adam,itwasanaccident.Letitgo.”SheputherarmsaroundJeremiah.
“Suze,ifyoubabyhim,he’llneverlearn.He’lljuststayalittlebaby,”Mr.Fishersaid.“Jere,didIordidInottellyoukidsnevertousetheblender?”
Jeremiah’seyesfilledupandheblinkedquickly,butafewtearsescaped.Andthenafewmore.Itwasawful.IfeltsoembarrassedforJeremiahandalsoIfeltguiltythatitwasmewhohadbroughtallthisuponhim.ButIalsofeltrelievedthatitwasn’tmewhowastheonegettingintrouble,cryinginfrontofeveryone.
AndthenConradsaid,“ButDad,youneverdid.”Hehadchocolateicecreamonhischeek.
Mr.Fisherturnedandlookedathim.“What?”
“Youneversaidit.Weknewweweren’tsupposedto,butyounevertechnicallysaidit.”Conradlookedscared,buthisvoicewasmatter-of-fact.
Mr.FishershookhisheadandlookedbackatJeremiah.“Gogetcleanedup,”hesaidroughly.Hewasembarrassed,Icouldtell.
SusannahglaredathimandsweptJeremiahintothebathroom.Mymotherwaswipingdownthecounters,hershouldersstraightandstiff.“Steven,takeyoursistertothebathroom,”shesaid.Hervoiceleftnoroomforargument,andStevengrabbedmyarmandtookmeupstairs.
“DoyouthinkI’mintrouble?”IaskedSteven.
Hewipedmycheeksroughlywithawetpieceoftoiletpaper.“Yes.ButnotasmuchtroubleasMr.Fisher.Mom’sgonnariphimanewone.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Stevenshrugged.“JustsomethingIheard.Itmeanshe’stheoneintrouble.”
Aftermyfacewasclean,StevenandIcreptbackintothehallway.MymotherandMr.Fisherwerearguing.Welookedateachother,oureyeshugewhenweheardourmothersnap,“Youcanbesuchanass-hat,Adam.”
Iopenedmymouth,abouttoexclaim,whenStevenclappedhishandovermymouthanddraggedmetotheboys’room.Heshutthedoorbehindus.Hiseyeswereglitteryfromalltheexcitement.OurmotherhadcussedatMr.Fisher.
Isaid,“MomcalledMr.Fisheranass-hat.”Ididn’tevenknowwhatanass-hatwas,butitsuresoundedfunny.IpicturedahatthatlookedlikeabuttsittingontopofMr.Fisher’sbighead.AndthenIgiggled.
Itwasallveryexcitingandterrible.Noneofushadeverreallygottenintroubleatthesummerhouse.Notbigtroubleanyway.Itwasprettymuchabigtrouble-freezone.
Themotherswererelaxedatthesummerhouse.Whereathome,StevenwouldGetItifhetalkedback,here,mymotherdidn’tseemtomindasmuch.ProbablybecauseattheCousinshouse,uskidsweren’tthecenteroftheworld.Mymotherwasbusydoingotherthings,likepottingplantsandgoingtoartgallerieswithSusannahandsketchingandreadingbooks.Shewastoobusytogetangryorbothered.Wedidnothaveherfullattention.
Thiswasbothagoodandbadthing.Good,becausewegotawaywithstuff.Ifweplayedoutonthebeachpastbedtime,ifwehaddoubledessert,noonereallycared.Bad,becauseIhadthevaguesensethatStevenandIweren’tasimportanthere,thattherewereotherthingsthatoccupiedmymother’smind—memorieswehadnopartof,alifebeforeweexisted.Andalso,thesecretlifeinsideherself,whereStevenandIdidn’texist.Itwaslikewhenshewentonhertripswithoutus—Iknewthatshedidnotmissusorthinkaboutusverymuch.
Ihatedthatthought,butitwasthetruth.Themothershadawholelifeseparatefromus.Iguessuskidsdidtoo.chaptertwenty-five
WhenJeremiahandConradwalkedupthebeachwiththeirboardsundertheirarms,IhadthiscrazythoughtthatIshouldtrytowarnthemsomehow.Whistleorsomething.ButIdidn’tknowhowtowhistle,anditwastoolateanyway.
Theyputtheboardsunderthehouse,andthentheywalkedupthestepsandsawussittingthere.Conrad’swholebodytightenedup,andIsawJeremiahmutter“shit”underhisbreath.ThenJeremiahsaid,“Hey,Dad.”Conradbrushedrightpastusandintothehouse.
Mr.Fisherfollowedhimin,andJeremiahandIlookedateachotherforamoment.Heleanedclosetomeandsaid,“HowaboutyoupullthecararoundwhileIgetourstuff,andthenwemakearunforit?”
Igiggled,andthenIclappedmyhandovermymouth.IdoubtedMr.Fisherwouldappreciatemegigglingwhenallthisseriousstuffwasgoingon.Istoodupandpulledmytowelcloseraroundme,undermyarmpits.Thenwewentinsidetoo.
ConradandMr.Fisherwereinthekitchen.Conradwasopeningupabeer,notevenlookingathisdad.“Whatthehellareyoukidsplayingathere?”Mr.Fishersaid.Hisvoicesoundedreallyloudandunnaturalinthehouse.Hewaslookingaroundthekitchen,thelivingroom.
Jeremiahbegan,“Dad—”
Mr.FisherlookedrightatJeremiahandsaid,“SandyDonatticalledmethismorningandtoldmewhathappened.YouweresupposedtogetConradbacktoschool,notstayand—andpartyandinterferewiththesale.”
Jeremiahblinked.“Who’sSandyDonatti?”
“She’sourrealestateagent,”Conradsaid.
Irealizedmymouthwasopen,andIsnappeditshut.Iwrappedmyarmsaroundmyselftight,tryingtoturninvisible.Maybeitwasn’ttoolateformeandJeremiahtomakearunforit.Maybethatwayhe’dneverfindoutthatI’dknownaboutthehousetoo.WoulditmakeadifferencethatI’donlyknownaboutitsincethisafternoon?Idoubtedit.
JeremiahlookedoveratConrad,andthenbackathisdad.“Ididn’tknowwehadarealestateagent.Younevertoldmeyouweresellingthehouse.”
“Itoldyouitwasapossibility.”
“Younevertoldmeyouwereactuallydoingit.”
Conradbrokein,speakingonlytoJeremiah.“Itdoesn’tmatter.He’snotsellingthehouse.”Hedrankhisbeercalmly,andweallwaitedtohearwhathe’dsaynext.“It’snothistosell.”
“Yes,itis,”Mr.Fishersaid,breathingheavily.“I’mnotdoingthisforme.Themoneywillbeforyouboys.”
“YouthinkIcareaboutthemoney?”Conradfinallylookedathim,hiseyescold.Hisvoicewastoneless.“I’mnotlikeyou.Icouldgiveashitaboutthemoney.Icareaboutthehouse.Mom’shouse.”
“Conrad—”
“Youhavenorighttobehere.Youshouldleave.”
Mr.FisherswallowedandhisAdam’sapplebobbedupanddown.“No,Iwon’tleave.”
“TellSandynottobothercomingback.”Conradsaidtheword“Sandy”likeitwasaninsult.WhichIguessitwasmeanttobe.
“I’myourfather,”Mr.Fishersaidhoarsely.“Andyourmotherleftittometodecide.Thisiswhatshewouldhavewanted.”
Conrad’ssmooth,hardshellcracked,andhisvoicewasshakingwhenhesaid,“Don’ttalkaboutwhatshewouldhavewanted.”
“Shewasmywife,goddamnit.Ilosthertoo.”
Thatmighthavebeentrue,butitwastheexactwrongthingtosaytoConradatthatmoment.Itsethimoff.Hepunchedthewallclosesttohim,andIflinched.Iwasshockedhedidn’tleaveahole.
Hesaid,“Youdidn’tloseher.Youlefther.Youdon’tknowthefirstthingaboutwhatshewouldhavewanted.Youwereneverthere.Youwereashittydadandanevenshittierhusband.Sodon’tbothertryingtodotherightthingnow.Youjustfuckitallup.”
Jeremiahsaid,“Con,shutup.Justshutup.”
Conradswungaroundandshouted,“You’restilldefendinghim?That’sexactlywhywedidn’ttellyou!”
“We?”Jeremiahrepeated.Helookedatmethen,andthestrickenlookonhisfacecutrightthroughme.
Istartedtospeak,totrytoexplain,butIonlygotasfarassaying,“Ijustfoundouttoday,Iswear,”whenMr.Fisherinterruptedme.
Hesaid,“Youarenottheonlyonehurting,Conrad.Youdon’tgettotalktomethatway.”
“IthinkIdo.”
TheroomwasdeadlyquietandMr.FisherlookedlikehemighthitConrad,hewassomad.Theystaredateachother,andIknewConradwouldn’tbetheonetobackdown.
ItwasMr.Fisherwholookedaway.“Themoversarecomingback,Conrad.Thisishappening.Youthrowingatantrumcan’tstopit.”
Heleftsoonafter.Hesaidhe’dbebackinthemorning,andthewordswereominous.Hesaidthathewasstayingattheinnintown.Itwasclearthathecouldn’twaittogetoutofthathouse.
Thethreeofusstoodaroundinthekitchenafterhewasgone,noneofussayinganything.Leastofallme.Iwasn’tevensupposedtobethere.Foronce,IwishedIwasathomewithmymotherandStevenandTaylor,awayfromallofthis
Jeremiahwasthefirsttospeak.“Ican’tbelievehe’sreallysellingthehouse,”hesaid,almosttohimself.
“Believeit,”Conradsaidharshly.
“Whydidn’tyoutellmeaboutit?”Jeremiahdemanded.
Conradglancedatmebeforesaying,“Ididn’tthinkyouneededtoknow.”
Jeremiah’seyesnarrowed.“Whatthehell,Conrad?It’smyhousetoo.”
“Jere,Ionlyjustfoundoutmyself.”Conradproppedhimselfuponthekitchencounter,hisheaddown.“Iwasathomepickingupsomeclothes.Thatrealestateagent,Sandy,calledandleftamessageonthemachine,sayingmoverswerecomingtogetthestufftheypacked.IwentbacktoschoolandgotmystuffandIcamestraighthere.”
Conradhaddroppedschoolandeverythingelsetocometothesummerhouse,andherewe’djustthoughthewasascrewupinneedofsaving.Wheninactuality,hewastheonedoingthesaving.
Ifeltguiltyfornotgivinghimthebenefitofthedoubt,andIknewJeremiahdidtoo.WeexchangedaquicklookandIknewwewerethinkingexactlythesamething.ThenIguessherememberedhewaspissedatme,too,andhelookedaway.
“Sothat’sit,then?”Jeremiahsaid.
Conraddidn’tanswerhimrightaway.Thenhelookedupandsaid,“Yeah,Iguessitis.”
“Well,greatjobtakingcareofallthis,Con.”
“I’vebeenhandlingthisonmyown,”Conradsnapped.“It’snotlikeIhadanyhelpfromyou.”
“Well,maybeifyou’dtoldmeaboutit—”
Conradcuthimoff.“You’dhavedonewhat?”
“IwouldhavetalkedtoDad.”
“Yeah,exactly.”Conradcouldnothavesoundedmoredisdainful.
“Whatthehelldoesthatmean?”
“Itmeansthatyou’resobusybeinguphisass,youcan’tseehimforwhoheis.”
Jeremiahdidn’tsayanythingrightaway,andIwasreallyafraidofwherethiswasheading.Conradwaslookingforafightandthelastthingweneededwasforthetwoofthemtostartwrestlingonthekitchenfloor,breakingthingsandeachother.Thistime,mymotherwasn’theretostopthem.Therewasjustme,andthatwashardlyanything.
AndthenJeremiahsaid,“He’sourfather.”Hisvoicewasmeasured,even,andIletoutatinybreathofrelief.Therewouldn’tbeanyfight,becauseJeremiahwouldn’tletithappen.Iadmiredhimforthat.
ButConradjustshookhisheadindisgust.“He’sadirtbag.”
“Don’tcallhimthat.”
“Whatkindofguycheatsonhiswifeandthenleavesherwhenshehascancer?Whatkindofmandoesthat?Ican’tevenstandtolookathim.Hemakesmesick,playingthemartyrnow,thegrievingwidower.ButwherewashewhenMomneededhim,huh,Jere?”
“Idon’tknow,Con.Wherewereyou?”
Theroomwentsilent,anditfelttomeliketheairwasalmostcrackling.ThewayConradflinched,thewayJeremiahsuckedinhisbreathrightafterhesaidit.Hewantedtotakeitback,Icouldtell,andhewasaboutto,whenConradsaid,conversationally,“That’salowblow.”
“I’msorry,”Jeremiahsaid.
Conradshrugged,brushinghimofflikeitdidn’tmattereitherway.
AndthenJeremiahsaid,“Whycan’tyoujustletitgo?Whydoyouhavetoholdontoalltheshittystuffthat’severhappenedtoyou?”
“BecauseIliveinreality,unlikeyou.You’dratherliveinafantasyworldthanseepeopleforwhotheyreallyare.”Hesaiditinawaythatmademewonderwhohewasreallytalkingabout.
Jeremiahbristled.HelookedatmeandthenbackatConradandsaid,“You’rejustjealous.Admitit.”
“Jealous?”
“You’rejealousthatDadandIhaveanactualrelationshipnow.It’snotjustallaboutyouanymore,andthatkillsyou.”
Conradactuallylaughed.Itwasabitter,terriblesound.“That’ssuchBS.”Heturnedtome.“Belly,areyouhearingthis?JeremiahthinksI’mjealous.”
Jeremiahlookedatme,like,Beonmyside,andIknewthatifIdid,he’dforgivemefornottellinghimaboutthehouse.IhatedConradforputtingmeinthemiddle,formakingmechoose.Ididn’tknowwhosesideIwason.Theywerebothrightandtheywerebothwrong.
IguessItooktoolongtoanswer,becauseJeremiahstoppedlookingatmeandsaid,“You’reanasshole,Conrad.Youjustwanteveryonetobeasmiserableasyouare.”Andthenhewalkedout.Thefrontdoorslammedbehindhim.
IfeltlikeIshouldgoafterhim.IfeltlikeIhadjustlethimdownwhenheneededmemost.
ThenConradsaidtome,“AmIanasshole,Belly?”Hepoppedopenanotherbeerandhewastryingtosoundsoindifferent,buthishandwasshaking.
“Yeah,”Isaid.“Youreallyare.”
IwalkedovertothewindowandIwatchedJeremiahgettingintohiscar.Itwastoolatetofollowhim;hewasalreadypullingoutofthedriveway.Eventhoughhewaspissed,hehadhisseatbelton.
“He’llbeback,”Conradsaid.
IhesitatedandthenIsaid,“Youshouldn’thavesaidthatstuff.”
“Maybenot.”
“Youshouldn’thaveaskedmetokeepitasecretfromhim.”
Conradshruggedlikehewasalreadyoverit,butthenhelookedbacktowardthewindowandIknewhewasworried.HethrewmeabeerandIcaughtit.Ipoppedthetopoffandtookalongdrink.Ithardlyeventastedbad.MaybeIwasgettingusedtoit.Ismackedmylipsloudly.
Hewatchedme,andtherewasafunnylookonhisface.“Soyoulikebeernow,huh?”
Ishrugged.“It’sallright,”Isaid,andIfeltverygrown-up.ButthenIadded,“IstilllikeCherryCokebetterthough.”
Healmostsmiledwhenhesaid,“SameoldBelly.Ibetifwecutyourbodyopen,whitesugarwouldcomepouringoutofyou.”
“That’sme,”Isaid.“Sugarandspiceandeverythingnice.”
Conradsaid,“Idon’tknowaboutthat.”
Andthenwewerebothquiet.ItookanothersipofbeerandsetitdownnexttoConrad.“IthinkyoureallyhurtJeremiah’sfeelings.”
Heshrugged.“Heneededarealitycheck.”
“Youdidn’thavetodoitlikethat.”
“Ithinkyou’retheonewhohurtJeremiah’sfeelings.”
Iopenedmymouthandthenclosedit.IfIaskedhimwhathemeantbythat,he’dtellme.AndIdidn’twanthimto.SoIdrankmybeerandsaid,“Whatnow?”
Conraddidn’tletmeoffthehookthateasy.Hesaid,“WhatnowwithyouandJeremiahorwithyouandme?”
HewasteasingmeandIhatedhimforit.IcouldfeelmycheeksburningasIsaid,“Whatnowwiththishouse,waswhatImeant.”
Heleanedbackagainstthecounter.“There’snothingtodo,really.Imean,Icouldgetalawyer.I’meighteennow.Icouldtryandstall.ButIdoubtitwoulddoanything.Mydad’sstubborn.Andhe’sgreedy.”
Hesitantly,Isaid,“Idon’tknowthathe’sdoingitoutof—outofgreed,Conrad.”
Conrad’sfacesortofclosedoff.“Trustme.Heis.”
Icouldn’thelpbutask,“Whataboutsummerschool?”
“Icouldn’tcarelessaboutschoolrightnow.”
“But—”
“Justleaveit,Belly.”Thenhewalkedoutofthekitchen,openedtheslidingdoor,andwentoutside.
Conversationover.chaptertwenty-six
JEREMIAH
MywholelifeI’velookeduptoConrad.He’salwaysbeensmarter,faster—justbetter.Thethingis,Ineverreallybegrudgedhimthat.HewasjustConrad.Hecouldn’thelpbeinggoodatthings.Hecouldn’thelpthatheneverlostinUnoorracesorgrades.Maybepartofmeneededthat,someonetolookupto.Mybigbrother,theguywhocouldn’tlose.
Buttherewasthistime,whenIwasthirteen.Wewerewrestlingaroundinthelivingroom,hadbeenforhalfanhour.Mydadwasalwaystryingtogetustowrestle.He’dbeenonthewrestlingteamincollege,andhelikedteachingusnewtechniques.Wewerewrestling,andmymomwasinthekitchen,cookingbacon-wrappedscallopsbecausewewerehavingpeopleoverthatnightandtheyweremydad’sfavorite.
“Lockhimin,Con,”mydadwassaying.
Wewerereallygettingintoit.We’dalreadyknockedoveroneofmymom’ssilvercandlesticks.Conradwasbreathinghard;he’dexpectedtobeatmeeasily.ButIwasgettinggood;Iwasn’tgivingup.HehadmyheadlockedunderhisarmandthenIlockedhiskneeandwewerebothontheground.Icouldfeelsomethingshift;Ialmosthadhim.Iwasgoingtowin.Mydadwasgonnabesoproud.
WhenIhadhimpinned,mydadsaid,“Connie,Itoldyoutokeepyourkneesbent.”
Ilookedupatmydad,andIsawthelookonhisface.HehadthatlookhegotsometimeswhenConradwasn’tdoingsomethingright,alltightaroundtheeyesandirritated.Heneverlookedatmelikethat.
Hedidn’tsay,“Goodjob,Jere.”HejuststartedcriticizingConrad,tellinghimallthethingshecould’vedonebetter.AndConradtookit.Hewasnodding,hisfacered,sweatpouringdownhisforehead.Thenhenoddedatmeandsaid,inawaythatIknewhereallymeantit,“Goodjob,Jere.”
That’swhenmydadchimedinandsaid,“Yeah,goodjob,Jere.”
Allofasudden,Iwantedtocry.Ididn’twanttobeatConradeveragain.Itwasn’tworthit.
Afterallthatstuffbackatthehouse,IgotinmycarandIjuststarteddriving.Ididn’tknowwhereIwasgoingandpartofmedidn’tevenwanttogoback.PartofmewantedtoleaveConradtodealwiththisshitstormbyhimself,thewayhe’dwanteditinthefirstplace.LetBellydealwithhim.Letthemhaveatit.Idroveforhalfanhour.
ButevenasIwasdoingit,Iknewthat,eventually,Iwouldturnbackaround.Icouldn’tjustleave.ThatwasCon’sstyle,notmine.Anditwaslow,whatIsaidabouthimnotbeingthereforourmom.Itwasn’tlikeheknewshewasgonnadie.Hewasatcollege.Itwasn’thisfault.Buthewasn’ttheonewhowastherewheneverythinggotbadagain.Itallhappenedsofast.Hecouldn’thaveknown.Ifhehadknown,hewouldhavestayedhome.Iknowhewouldhave.
OurdadwasnevergonnawinaFatheroftheYearaward.Hewasflawed,thatwasforsure.Butwhenitcounted,thereattheend,hecamehome.Hesaidalltherightthings.Hemadeourmomhappy.Conradjustcouldn’tseeit.Hedidn’twantto.
Ididn’tgobacktothehouserightaway.
FirstIstoppedatthepizzaplace.Itwasdinnertime,andtherewasn’tanyfoodatthehouse.AkidIknew,Mikey,wasworkingtheregister.Iorderedalargepizzawitheverything,andthenIaskedhimifRonwasoutonadelivery.Mikeysaidyeah,thatRonwouldbebacksoon,thatIshouldwait.
RonlivedinCousinsyear-round.Hewenttocommunitycollegeduringthedayandhedeliveredpizzasatnight.Hewasanokayguy.He’dbeenbuyingunderagekidsbeerforaslongasIcouldremember.Ifyougavehimatwenty,he’dhookyouup.
AllIknewwas,ifthiswasgonnabeourlastnight,wecouldn’tgooutlikethis.
WhenIgotbacktothehouse,Conradwassittingonthefrontporch.Iknewhewaswaitingforme;Iknewhefeltbadforwhathe’dsaid.Ihonkedthehorn,stuckmyheadoutthewindow,andyelled,“Comehelpmewiththisstuff.”
Hecamedowntothecar,checkedoutthecasesofbeerandthebagofliquor,andsaid,“Ron?”
“Yup.”Ihoisteduptwocasesofbeerandhandedthemover.“We’rehavingaparty.”chaptertwenty-seven
Afterthefight,afterMr.Fisherleft,Iwentuptomyroomandstayedthere.Ididn’twanttobearoundwhenJeremiahgotback,incaseheandConradwentforasecondround.UnlikeStevenandme,thosetwohardlyeverfought.InallthetimeI’dknownthem,I’donlyseenthemdoit,like,threetimes.JeremiahlookeduptoConradandConradlookedoutforJeremiah.Itwasassimpleasthat.
Istartedlookingaroundinthedrawersandclosettoseeiftherewasanythingofmineleftthere.Mymomwasprettystrictaboutustakingallourstuffeverytimeweleft,butyouneverknew.IfiguredImightaswellmakesure.Mr.Fisherwouldprobablyjusttellthemoverstothrowallthejunkout.
InthebottomofthedeskdrawerIfoundanoldcompositionnotebookfrommyHarriettheSpydays.Itwascoloredinpinkandgreenandyellowhighlighter.I’dfollowedtheboysaroundfordays,takingnotesinituntilIdroveStevencrazyandhetoldMomonme.
I’dwritten:
June28.CaughtJeremiahdancinginthemirrorwhenhethoughtnoonewaswatching.ToobadIwas!
June30.ConradateallthebluePopsiclesagaineventhoughhe’snotsupposedto.ButIdidn’ttell.
July1.Stevenkickedmefornoreason.
Andonandon.I’dgottensickofitbymid-Julyandquit.Ihadbeensuchalittletagalongthen.Eight-year-oldmewouldhavelovedtohavebeenincludedinthislastadventure,wouldhavelovedthefactthatIgottohangoutwiththeboyswhileStevenhadtostayathome.
Ifoundafewotherthings,junklikeahalf-usedpotofcherrylipgloss,acoupleofdustyhairbands.Ontheshelf,thereweremyoldJudyBlumesandthenmyV.C.Andrewsbookshiddenbehindthem.IfiguredI’djustleaveallthatstuffbehind.
TheonethingIhadtotakewasJuniorMint,myoldstuffedpolarbear,theoneConradhadwonmethattimeattheboardwalkamillionyearsago.Icouldn’tjustletJuniorMintgetthrownoutlikehewasjunk.He’dbeenspecialtomeonceuponatime.
Istayedupstairsforawhile,justlookingatmyoldstuff.Ifoundoneotherthingworthkeeping.Atoytelescope.Irememberthedaymyfatherboughtitforme.Ithadbeeninoneofthelittleantiquestoresalongtheboardwalk,anditwasexpensivebuthesaidIshouldhaveit.TherewasatimewhenIwasobsessedwithstarsandcometsandconstellations,andhethoughtImightgrowuptobeanastronomer.Itturnedouttobeaphase,butitwasfunwhileitlasted.Ilikedthewaymyfatherlookedatmethen,likeIhadtakenafterhim,myfather’sdaughter.
Hestilllookedatmethatwaysometimes—whenIaskedforTabascosauceatrestaurants,whenIturnedtheradiostationtoNPRwithouthimhavingtoask.TabascosauceIliked,butNPRnotasmuch.IdiditbecauseIknewitmadehimproud.
IwasgladhewasmydadandnotMr.Fisher.Heneverwouldhaveyelledorcussedatme,orgottenmadaboutspilledKool-Aid.Hewasn’tthatkindofman.I’dneverappreciatedenoughjustwhatkindofmanhewas.chaptertwenty-eight
Myfatherrarelycametothesummerhouse,foraweekendinAugustmaybe,butthatwasprettymuchit.Itneveroccurredtometowonderwhy.TherewasthisoneweekendheandMr.Fishercameupatthesametime.Asiftheyhadsomuchincommon,asiftheywerefriendsorsomething.Theycouldn’tbemoredifferent.Mr.Fisherlikedtotalk,talk,talk,andmydadonlyspokeifhehadsomethingtosay.Mr.FisherwasalwayswatchingSportsCenter,whilemydadrarelywatchedTVatall—anddefinitelynotsports.
TheparentsweregoingtoafancyrestaurantinDyerstown.AbandplayedthereonSaturdaynightsandtheyhadalittledancefloor.Itwasstrangetothinkofmyparentsdancing.I’dneverseenthemdancebefore,butIwassureSusannahandMr.Fisherdancedallthetime.I’dseenthemonce,inthelivingroom.IrememberedhowConradhadblushedandturnedaway.
Iwaslyingonmystomach,onSusannah’sbed,watchingmymotherandhergetreadyinthemasterbathroom.
Susannahhadconvincedmymothertowearadressofhers;itwasredandithadadeepV-neck.“Whatdoyouthink,Beck?”mymotheraskeduncertainly.Icouldtellshefeltfunnyaboutit.Sheusuallyworepants.
“Ithinkyoulookamazing.Ithinkyoushouldkeepit.Redissoyou,Laure.”Susannahwascurlingherlashesandopeninghereyeswideinthemirror.
Whentheyleft,Iwouldpracticeusingtheeyelashcurler.Mymotherdidn’thaveone.Iknewthecontentsofhermakeupbag,oneofthoseplasticgreenCliniquegift-with-purchasebags.IthadaBurt’sBeeschapstickandanespressoeyeliner,apinkandgreentubeofMaybellinemascara,andabottleoftintedsunscreen.Boring.
Susannah’smakeupcase,though,wasatreasuretrove.Itwasanavysnakeskincasewithaheavygoldclaspandherinitialswereengravedonit.Insideshehadlittleeyepotsandpalettesandsablebrushesandperfumesamples.Sheneverthrewawayanything.Ilikedtosortthroughitandorganizeeverythinginneatrows,accordingtocolor.Sometimesshegavemealipstickorasampleeyeshadow,nothingtoodark.
“Belly,youwantmetodoyoureyes?”Susannahaskedme.
Isatup.“Yeah!”
“Beck,pleasedon’tgiveherhookereyesagain,”mymothersaid,runningacombthroughherwethair.
Susannahmadeaface.“It’scalledasmokyeye,Laure.”
“Yeah,Mom,it’sasmokyeye,”Ipipedup.
Susannahcrookedherfingeratme.“C’mere,Belly.”
Iscamperedintothebathroomandproppedmyselfuponthecounter.Ilovedtositonthatcounterwithmylegsdangling,listeninginoneverythinglikeoneofthegirls.
Shedippedalittlebrushintoapotofblackeyeliner.“Closeyoureyes,”shesaid.
Iobeyed,andSusannahdraggedthebrushalongmylashline,expertlyblendingandsmudgingwiththeballofherthumb.ThenshesweptshadowacrossmyeyelidsandIwriggledinmyseatexcitedly.IloveditwhenSusannahmademeup;Icouldn’twaitforthemomentofunveiling.
“AreyouandMr.Fishergonnadancetonight?”Iasked.
Susannahlaughed.“Idon’tknow.Maybe.”
“Mom,willyouandDad?”
Mymotherlaughedtoo.“Idon’tknow.Probablynot.Yourfatherdoesn’tliketodance.”
“Dad’sboring,”Isaid,tryingtotwistaroundandgetapeekatmynewlook.Gently,Susannahputherhandsonmyshouldersandsatmestraight.
“He’snotboring,”mymothersaid.“Hejusthasdifferentinterests.Youlikeitwhenheteachesyoutheconstellations,don’tyou?”
Ishrugged.“Yeah.”
“Andhe’sverypatient,andhealwayslistenstoyourstories,”mymotherremindedme.
“True.Butwhatdoesthathavetodowithbeingboring?”
“Notmuch,Isuppose.Butithastodowithbeingagoodfather,whichIthinkheis.”
“Hedefinitelyis,”Susannahagreed,andsheandmymotherexchangedalookovermyhead.“Takealookatyourself.”
Iswiveledaroundandlookedinthemirror.Myeyeswereverysmokyandgrayandmysterious.IfeltlikeIshouldbetheonegoingoutdancing.
“See,shedoesn’tlooklikeahooker,”Susannahsaidtriumphantly.
“Shelookslikeshehasablackeye,”mymothersaid.
“No,Idon’t.Ilookmysterious.Ilooklikeacountess.”Ihoppedoffthebathroomcounter.“Thanks,Susannah.”
“Anytime,sugar.”
Weair-kissedliketwoladieswholunch.Thenshetookmebythehandandwalkedmeovertoherbureau.Shehandedmeherjewelryboxandsaid,“Belly,youhavethebesttaste.Willyouhelpmepickoutsomejewelrytoweartonight?”
Isatonherbedwiththewoodenboxandsiftedthroughitcarefully.IfoundwhatIwaslookingfor—herdanglyopalearringswiththematchingopalring.“Wearthese,”Isaid,holdingthejewelryouttoherinthepalmofmyhand.
Susannahobeyed,andasshefastenedtheearrings,mymothersaid,“Idon’tknowifthatreallygoes.”
Inretrospect,Idon’tthinkitreallydidgo.ButIlovedthatopaljewelrysomuch.Iadmireditmorethananything.SoIsaid,“Mom,whatdoyouknowaboutstyle?”
Rightaway,Iworriedshe’dbemad,butithadslippedout,anditwastrueafterall.Mymotherknewaboutasmuchaboutjewelryasshedidaboutmakeup.
ButSusannahlaughed,andsodidmymother.
“Godownstairsandtellthemenwe’llbereadytogoinfive,Countess,”mymotherordered.
Ijumpedoutofbedandcurtsieddramatically.“Yes,Mum.”
Theybothlaughed.Mymothersaid,“Go,youlittleimp.”
Irandownstairs.WhenIwasakid,anytimeIhadtogoanywhere,Iran.“They’realmostready,”Iyelled.
Mr.Fisherwasshowingmydadhisnewfishingrod.Mydadlookedrelievedtoseeme,andhesaid,“Belly,whathavetheydonetoyou?”
“Susannahmademeup.Doyoulikeit?”
Mydadbeckonedmecloser,regardingmewithseriouseyes.“I’mnotsure.Youlookverymature.”
“Ido?”
“Yes,very,verymature.”
ItriedtohidemydelightasImadeaplaceformyselfinthecrookofmydad’sarm,myheadrightbyhisside.Forme,therewasnobettercomplimentthanbeingcalledmature.
Theyallleftalittlewhilelater,thedadsinpressedkhakisandbutton-downshirtsandthemomsintheirsummerdresses.Mr.Fisherandmydaddidn’tlooksodifferentwhentheydresseduplikethat.Mydadhuggedmegood-byeandsaidthatifIwasstillawakewhentheygotback,we’dsitonthedeckawhileandlookforshootingstars.Mymothersaidthey’dprobablybebacktoolate,butmydadwinkedatme.
Onthewayout,hewhisperedsomethingtomymotherthatmadehercoverhermouthandlaughalow,throatykindoflaugh.Iwonderwhathesaid.
ItwasoneofthelasttimesIrememberthembeinghappy.IreallywishIhadenjoyeditmore.
Myparentshadalwaysbeenstable,asboringastwoparentscouldbe.Theyneverfought.Taylor’sparentsfoughtallthetime.I’dbeoverforasleepover,andMr.Jewelwouldcomehomelateandhermomwouldbereallypissy,stompingaroundinherslippersandbangingpots.We’dbeatthedinnertable,andIwouldsinklowerandlowerintomyseat,andTaylorwouldjustgoontalkingaboutstupidstuff.LikewhetherornotVeronikaGerardworethesamesockstwodaysinarowingymorifweshouldvolunteertobewatergirlsfortheJVfootballteamwhenwewerefreshmen.
Whenherparentsgotdivorced,IaskedTaylorif,insomelittleway,shewasrelieved.Shesaidno.Shesaidthateventhoughtheyhadfoughtallthetime,atleasttheyhadstillbeenafamily.“Yourparentsneverevenfought,”shesaid,andIcouldhearthedisdaininhervoice.
Iknewwhatshemeant.Iwonderedaboutittoo.Howcouldtwopeoplewhohadoncebeenpassionatelyinlovenotevenfight?Didn’ttheycareenoughtofightitout,tofightnotjustwitheachother,butalsofortheirmarriage?Weretheyeverreallyinlove?DidmymothereverfeelaboutmydadthewayIfeltaboutConrad—alive,crazy,drunkwithtenderness?Thosewerethequestionsthathauntedme.
Ididn’twanttomakethesamemistakesmyparentsmade.Ididn’twantmylovetofadeawayonedaylikeanoldscar.Iwantedittoburnforever.chaptertwenty-nine
WhenIfinallywentbackdownstairs,itwasdarkoutandJeremiahwasback.HeandConradweresittingonthecouch,watchingTVlikethefighthadneverhappened.Iguesseditwasthatwaywithboys.WheneverTaylorandIfought,weweremadforatleastaweekandtherewasapowerstruggleoverwhogotcustodyofwhichfriends.“Whosesideareyouon?”we’ddemandofKatieorMarcy.We’dsaymeanthingsthatyoucan’ttakebackandthenwe’dcryandmakeup.SomehowIdoubtedConradandJeremiahhadbeencryingandmakingupwhileI’dbeenupstairs.
IwonderedifIwasforgiventoo,forkeepingasecretfromJeremiah,fornottakingaside—hisside.Becauseitwastrue,we’dcomeheretogetheraspartners,ateam,andwhenhe’dneededme,I’dlethimdown.Ilingeredtherebythestairsforasecond,unsureofwhetherornottogoover,andthenJeremiahlookedupatmeandIknewIwas.Forgiven,thatis.Hesmiled,arealsmile,andarealJeremiahsmilewasthekindthatcouldmelticecream.Ismiledback,gratefulasanything.
“Iwasjustabouttocomegetyou,”hesaid.“We’rehavingaparty.”
Therewasapizzaboxonthecoffeetable.“Apizzaparty?”Iasked.
Susannahusedtohavepizzapartiesforuskidsallthetime.Itwasneverjust“pizzafordinner.”Itwasapizzaparty.Exceptthistime,withbeer.Andtequila.Sothiswasit.Ourlastnight.ItwouldhavefeltalotmorerealifStevenhadbeentheretoo.Itwouldhavefeltcomplete,usfourtogetheragain.
“Iranintosomepeopleintown.They’regonnacomeoverlaterandbringakeg.”
“Akeg?”Irepeated.
“Yeah.Akeg,youknow,ofbeer?”
“Oh,right,”Isaid.“Akeg.”
ThenIsatdownonthegroundandopenedthepizzabox.Therewasonesliceleft,anditwasasmallone.“Youguysaresuchpigs,”Isaid,stuffingitintomymouth.
“Whoops,sorry,”Jeremiahsaid.Thenhewentintothekitchen,andwhenhecameback,hehadthreecups.Hehadonebalancedinthecrookofhiselbow.Hegavethatonetome.“Cheers,”hesaid.HehandedConradacuptoo.
Isniffeditsuspiciously.Itwaslightbrownwithalimewedgefloatingontop.“Smellsstrong,”Isaid.
“That’sbecauseit’stequila,”hesang.Heliftedhiscupintheair.“Tothelastnight.”
“Tothelastnight,”werepeated.
Theybothdranktheirsinoneshot.Itookateenysipofmine,anditwasn’ttoobad.I’dneverhadtequilabefore.Idranktherestquickly.“Thisisprettygood,”Isaid.“Notstrongatall.”
Jeremiahburstoutlaughing.“That’sbecauseyoursisninety-fivepercentwater.”
Conradlaughedtoo,andIglaredatthemboth.“That’snotfair,”Isaid.“Iwanttodrinkwhatyouguysaredrinking.”
“Sorry,butwedon’tserveminorshere,”Jeremiahsaid,fallingnexttomeonthefloor.
Ipunchedhimontheshoulder.“You’reaminortoo,dummy.Weallare.”
“Yeah,butyou’rereallyaminor,”hesaid.“Mymomwouldkillme.”
ItwasthefirsttimeanyofushadmentionedSusannah.MyeyesdartedovertoConrad,buthisfacewasblank.Iletoutabreath.AndthenIhadanidea,thebestideaever.IjumpedupandopenedthedoorsoftheTVconsole.IranmyfingersalongthedrawersofDVDsandhomevideos,allneatlylabeledinSusannah’sslantedcursivehandwriting.IfoundwhatIwaslookingfor.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Jeremiahaskedme.
“Justwait,”Isaid,mybacktothem.IturnedontheTVandpoppedinthevideo.
Onthescreen,therewasConrad,agetwelve.Withbracesandbadskin.Hewaslyingonabeachblanket,scowling.Hewouldn’tletanybodytakeapictureofhimthatsummer.
Mr.Fisherwasbehindthecamera,asalways,saying,“Comeon.Say‘HappyFourthofJuly,’Connie.”
JeremiahandIlookedateachotherandburstoutlaughing.Conradglaredatus.Hemadeamovefortheremote,butJeremiahgottoitfirst.Hehelditabovehishead,laughingbreathlessly.Thetwoofthemstartedwrestlingaround,andthentheystopped.
ThecamerahadfocusedinonSusannah,wearingherbigbeachhatandalongwhiteshirtoverherbathingsuit.
“Suze,honey,howdoyoufeeltoday,onournation’sbirthday?”
Sherolledhereyes.“Giveitarest,Adam.Govideotapethekids.”Andthenfromunderherhat,shesmiled—thatslow,deep-downsmile.Itwasthesmileofawomanwhoreallyandtrulylovedthepersonholdingthevideocamera.
Conradstoppedfightingfortheremoteandhewatchedforamoment,thenhesaid,“Turnitoff.”
Jeremiahsaid,“Comeon,man.Let’sjustwatch.”
Conraddidn’tsayanythingbuthedidn’tstopwatchingeither.
Andthenthecamerawasonme,andJeremiahwaslaughingagain.Conradtoo.ThiswaswhatIwaswaitingfor.Iknewitwouldgetalaugh.
Me,wearinghugeglassesandarainbowstripedtankini,myroundstomachpoppingoverthebottomslikeafour-year-old’s.Iwasscreamingatthetopofmylungs,runningawayfromStevenandJeremiah.Theywerechasingmewithwhattheyclaimedwasajellyfish,butwhatIlaterfoundoutwasaclumpofseaweed.
Jeremiah’shairwaswhite-blondinthesunlight,andhelookedexactlythewayIremembered.
“Bells,youlooklikeabeachball,”hesaid,gaspingwithlaughter.
Ilaughedtoo,alittle.“Watchit,”Isaid.“Thatsummerwasreallygreat.Alloursummersherewerereally…great.”
Greatdidn’tevenbegintodescribethem.
Silently,Conradgotupandthenhecamebackwiththetequila.Hepoureduseachsome,andthistimeminewasn’twatereddown.
Wealltookashottogether,andwhenIgulpedminedownitburnedsobadtearsstreameddownmyface.ConradandJeremiahstartedcrackingupagain.“Suckonthelime,”Conradtoldme,soIdid.
SoonIfeltwarmandlazyandgreat.IlaydownonthefloorwithmyhairfannedoutandIstaredupattheceilingandwatchedthefanturnroundandround.
WhenConradgotupandwenttothebathroom,Jeremiahrolledovertohisside.“Hey,Belly,”hesaid.“Truthordare.”
“Don’tbedumb,”Isaid.
“Oh,comeon.Playwithme,Bells.Please?”
Irolledmyeyesandsatup.“Dare.”
Hiseyeshadthattrickster’sglint.Ihadn’tseenthatlookinhiseyessincebeforeSusannahgotsickagain.“Idareyoutokissme,old-schoolstyle.I’velearnedalotsincethelasttime.”
Ilaughed.WhateverIhadbeenexpectinghimtosay,ithadn’tbeenthat.
JeremiahtiltedhisfaceupatmeandIlaughedagain.Ileanedforward,pulledhischintowardme,andkissedhimonthecheekwithaloudsmack.
“Aw,man!”heprotested.“That’snotarealkiss.”
“Youdidn’tspecify,”Isaid,andmyfacefelthot.
“Comeon,Bells,”hesaid.“That’snothowwekissedthatothertime.”
Conradcamebackintotheroomthen,wipinghishandsonhisjeans.Hesaid,“Whatareyoutalkingabout,Jere?Don’tyouhaveagirlfriend?”
IlookedatJeremiah,whosecheekswereflaming.“Youhaveagirlfriend?”IheardtheaccusationinmyvoiceandIhatedit.Itwasn’tlikeJeremiahowedmeanything.Itwasn’tlikehebelongedtome.Buthealwaysletmefeellikehedid.
Allthistimetogether,andheneveroncementionedthathehadagirlfriend.Icouldn’tbelieveit.IguessedIwasn’ttheonlyonekeepingsecrets,andthethoughtmademesad.
“Webrokeup.She’sgoingtoschoolatTulane,andI’mstayingaroundhere.Wedecidedthere’snopointinstayingtogether.”HeglaredatConradandthenglancedbackatme.“Andwe’vealwaysbeenoffandon.She’scrazy.”
Ihatedtheideaofhimwithsomecrazygirl,somegirlwhohelikedenoughtogobacktooverandover.“Well,what’shername?”Iasked.
Hehesitated.“Mara,”hesaidatlast.
Thealcoholinmegavemethecouragetosay,“Doyouloveher?”
Thistimehedidn’thesitate.“No,”hesaid.
Ipickedatapizzacrustandsaid,“Okay,myturn.Conrad,truthordare?”
Hewaslyingonthecouchfacedown.“NeversaidIwasplaying.”
“Chicken,”JeremiahandIsaidtogether.
“Jinx,”wesaidatthesametime.
“Youguysaretwo-year-olds,”Conradmuttered.
Jeremiahgotupandstarteddoinghischickendance.“Bockbockbockbock.”
“Truthordare,”Irepeated.
Conradgroaned.“Truth.”
IwassopleasedConradwasplayingwithus,Icouldn’tthinkofanythinggoodtoask.Imean,therewereamillionandonethingsIwantedtoaskhim.Iwantedtoaskhimwhathadhappenedtous,ifhe’deverlikedme,ifanyofithadbeenreal.ButIcouldn’taskthosethings.Eventhroughmytequilahaze,Iknewthatmuch.
Instead,Iasked,“Rememberthatsummeryoulikedthatgirlwhoworkedattheboardwalk?Angie?”
“No,”hesaid,butIknewhewaslying.“Whatabouther?”
“Didyoueverhookupwithher?”
Conradfinallyliftedhisheadupfromthecouch.“No,”hesaid.
“Idon’tbelieveyou.”
“Itried,once.Butshesockedmeintheheadandsaidshewasn’tthatkindofgirl.IthinkshewasaJehovah’sWitnessorsomething.”
JeremiahandIbusteduplaughing.Jeremiahwaslaughingsohard,hedoubledoverandfelltohisknees.“Oh,man,”hegasped.“That’sawesome.”
Anditwas.Iknewitwasonlybecausehe’dhadaboutacaseofbeer,butConradlooseningup,tellingusthings—itfeltawesome.Likeamiracle.
Conradproppedhimselfuponhiselbow.“Okay.Myturn.”
Hewaslookingatmelikeweweretheonlytwopeopleintheroom,andsuddenlyIwasterrified.Andelated.ButthenIlookedoveratJeremiah,watchingthetwoofus,andjustassuddenly,Iwasneither.
SolemnlyIsaid,“Nuh-uh.Youcan’taskme,’causeIjustaskedyou.It’sthelaw.”
“Thelaw?”herepeated.
“Yeah,”Isaid,leaningmyheadagainstthecouch.
“Aren’tyouatleastcuriousaboutwhatIwasgoingtoask?”
“Nope.Notevenoneiota.”Whichwasalie.OfcourseIwascurious.Iwasdyingtoknow.
IreachedoverandpouredsomemoretequilaintomycupandthenIstoodup,mykneesshaking.Ifeltlight-headed.“Toourlastnight!”
“Wealreadytoastedtothat,remember?”Jeremiahsaid.
Istuckmytongueoutathim.“Okay,then.”Thetequilamademefeelbraveagain.Thistime,itletmesaywhatIreallywantedtosay.WhatI’dbeenthinkingallnight.“Here’sto…here’stoeverybodythatisn’theretonight.Tomymom,andtoSteven,andtoSusannahmostofall.Okay?”
Conradlookedupatme.Foraminute,Iwasafraidofwhathewouldsay.Andthenheliftedhiscuptoo,andsodidJeremiah.Weallswiggedfromourcupstogether,anditburnedlikeliquidfire.Icoughedalittle.
WhenIsatbackdownIaskedJeremiah,“So,who’scomingtothisparty?”
Heshrugged.“Somekidsfromthecountryclubpoolfromlastsummer.They’retellingpeopletoo.Oh,andMikeyandPeteandthoseguys.”
Iwonderedwho“MikeyandPeteandthoseguys”were.IalsowonderedifIshouldcleanupbeforepeoplecame.
“Whattimearepeoplecomingover?”IaskedJeremiah.
Heshrugged.“Ten?Eleven?”
Ijumpedup.“It’salreadyalmostnine!Ihavetogetdressed.”
Conradsaid,“Aren’tyoualreadydressed?”
Ididn’tevenbothertoanswerhim.Ijustshotupstairs.chapterthirty
IhadthecontentsofmyduffelbagdumpedoutonthefloorwhenTaylorcalled.WhichwaswhenIrememberedthatitwasSaturday.ItfeltlikeI’dbeengonemuchlonger.ThenIrememberedthatitwastheFourthofJuly.AndIwassupposedtobeonaboatwithTaylorandDavisandeveryone.Gulp
“Hey,Taylor,”Isaid.
“Hey,whereareyou?”Taylordidn’tsoundmad,whichwaskindoffreaky.
“Um,stillinCousins.SorryIdidn’tmakeitbackintimefortheboatparty.”Fromthepileofclothes,Ipickedoutachiffonyone-shoulderblouseandtriediton.WheneverTaylorworeit,sheworeherhairpulledtotheside.
“It’sbeenrainingallday,sowecancelledtheboatparty.Cory’shavingapartytonightathisbrother’scondoinstead.Whataboutyou?”
“Ithinkwe’rehavingapartytoo.Jeremiahjustboughtatonofbeerandtequilaandstuff,”Isaid,adjustingtheblouse.Iwasn’tsurehowmuchshoulderIwassupposedtobeshowing.
“Aparty?”shesquealed.“Iwannacome!”
ItriedtowigglemyfootintooneofTaylor’splatformsandals.IwishedIhadn’tmentionedtheparty—orthetequila.Lately,Taylorwascrazyfortequilabodyshots.“WhataboutCory’sparty?”Isaid.“Iheardhisbrother’scondohasaJacuzzi.YouloveJacuzzis.”
“Oh,yeah.Darn.ButIwanttopartywithyouguystoo!Beachpartiesarethefunnest,”shesaid.“Anyway,IheardfromRachelSpirothatabunchoffreshmanslutsarecomingnow.Itmightnotevenbeworthittogo.OMG,maybeIshouldjustgetinmycaranddrivetoCousins!”
“Bythetimeyougothere,everybodywouldbegone.YoushouldprobablyjustgotoCory’s.”
Iheardacarpullintothedriveway.Peoplewerealreadyhere.Soitwasn’tlikeIwaslyingtoher.
IwasabouttotellTaylorIhadtogowhenshesaidinalittlevoice,“Doyou,like,notwantmetocome?”
“Ididn’tsaythat,”Isaid.
“Youbasicallydid.”
“Taylor,”Ibegan.ButIdidn’tknowwhattosaynext.Becauseshewasright.Ididn’twanthertocome.Ifshecame,itwouldbeallabouther,thewayitalwayswas.ThiswasmylastnightinCousins,inthishouse.Iwasnevergoingtobeinsidethishouseagain,ever.IwantedtonighttobeaboutmeandConradandJeremiah.
Taylorwaitedformetosaysomething,todenyitatleast,andwhenIdidn’t,shespatout,“Ican’tevenbelievehowselfishyouare,Belly.”
“Me?”
“Yes,you.Youkeepyoursummerhouseandyoursummerboysalltoyourselfandyoudon’twanttoshareanythingwithme.Wefinallygettospendawholesummertogetherandyoudon’tevencare!AllyoucareaboutisbeinginCousins,withthem.”Shesoundedsospiteful.ButinsteadoffeelingguiltythewayInormallywould,Ijustfeltannoyed.
“Taylor,”Isaid.
“Quitsayingmynamelikethat.”
“Likehow?”
“LikeI’machild.”
“Well,thenmaybeyoushouldn’tactlikeonejustbecauseyouaren’tinvitedsomewhere.”AssoonasIsaidit,Iregrettedit.
“Screwyou,Belly!Iputupwithalot.Youareareallycrappybestfriend,youknowthat?”
Iletoutabreath.“Taylor…shutup.”
Shegasped.“Don’tyoudaretellmetoshutup!Ihavebeennothingbutsupportiveofyou,Belly.IlistentoallyourConradBSandIdon’tevencomplain.Whenyouguysbrokeup,whowastheonewhospoon-fedyouChunkyMonkeyandgotyououtofbed?Me!Andyoudon’tevenappreciatethat.You’re,like,hardlyevenfunanymore.”
Sarcastically,Isaid,“Gee,Taylor,I’msosorryI’mnotfunanymore.Havingsomeoneyoulovediecandothat.”
“Don’tdothat.Don’tjustblameitonthat.You’vebeenchasingafterConradforaslongasI’veknownyou.It’sgettingpathetic.Getoverit!Hedoesn’tlikeyou.Maybeheneverdid.”
Thatwasmaybethemeanestthingshe’deversaidtome.IthinkshemighthaveapologizedifIhadn’tcomebackatherwith,“AtleastIdidn’tgiveawaymyvirginitytoaguywhoshaveshislegs!”
Shegasped.Inconfidence,TaylorhadoncetoldmethatDavisshavedhislegsforswimteam.Shewassilentforamoment.Andthenshesaid,“Youbetternotwearmyplatformstonight.”
“Toolate.Ialreadyam!”AndthenIhungup.
Icouldn’tbelieveher.Taylorwasthecrappyfriend,notme.Shewastheselfishone.Iwassoangry,myhandshookwhenIputonmyeyelinerandIhadtorubitoffandstartoveragain.IworeTaylor’sblouseandhershoesandIpulledmyhairalltoonesidetoo.IdiditbecauseIknewitwouldpissheroff.
Andthen,lastofall,IputonConrad’snecklace.Ituckeditunderneathmyshirt,andthenIwentdownstairs.chapterthirty-one
“Welcome,”IsaidtoaboyinaLedZeppelinT-shirt.
“Niceboots,”Isaidtoagirlwithcowboybootson.
Imademywayaroundtheroom,passingoutdrinksandthrowingawayemptycans.Conradwatchedmewithhisarmscrossed.“Whatareyoudoing?”heaskedme.
“I’mtryingtomakeeveryonefeelathome,”Iexplained,adjustingTaylor’stop.Susannahwasanexcellenthostess.Shehadatalentformakingpeoplefeelwelcome,wanted.Taylor’swordswerestillhangingaroundinthebackofmyhead.Iwasn’tselfish.Iwasagoodfriend,agoodhostess.I’dshowher.
WhenTravisfromVideoWorldputhisfeetuponthecoffeetableandalmostknockedoverahurricanevase,Ibarked,“Careful.Andtakeyourfeetoffthefurniture.”Asanafterthought,Iadded,“Please.”
IwasabouttogobackintothekitchenformoredrinkswhenIsawher.Thegirlfromlastsummer.Nicole,theoneConradliked,wasstandinginthekitchentalkingtoJeremiah.Shedidn’thaveherRedSoxhaton,butI’drecognizeherperfumeanywhere.Itsmelledlikevanillaextractanddecomposingroses.
ConradmusthaveseenheratthesametimeIdidbecausehesuckedinhisbreathandmuttered,“Shit.”
“Didyoubreakherheart?”Iaskedhim.Itriedtosoundteasingandcarefree.
Imusthavesucceeded,becausehetookmebythehandandgrabbedthebottleoftequilaandsaid,“Let’sgetoutofhere.”
IfollowedhimlikeIwasinatrance,sleepwalking.Becauseitwaslikeadream,hishandinmine.WewerealmosthomefreewhenJeremiahsawus.Myheartjustsank.Hemotionedusoverandcalledout,“Guys!Comesayhi.”
Conradletgoofmyhandbutnotthetequila.“Hey,Nicole,”hesaid,startingtowardher.Igrabbedacoupleofbeersandfollowedhimover.
“Oh,hey,Conrad,”Nicolesaid,allsurprised,likeshehadn’tbeenwatchingthewholetimewe’dbeeninthekitchen.Shegotonhertip-toesandhuggedhim.
Jeremiahcaughtmyeyeandraisedhiseyebrowscomically.Hegrinnedatme.“Belly,yourememberNicole,right?”
Isaid,“Ofcourse.”Ismiledather.Perfecthostess,Iremindedmyself.Unselfish.
Warily,shesmiledbackatme.IhandedheroneofthebeersIwasholding.“Cheers,”Isaid,openingmine.
“Cheers,”sheechoed.Weclinkedcansanddrank.Idrankminefast.WhenIwasdone,IgotanotherandIdrankthat,too.
Suddenlythehousefelttooquiet,soIturnedonthestereo.Iturnedthemusicuploudandkickedoffmyshoes.Susannahalwayssaiditwasn’tapartywithoutdancing.IgrabbedJeremiah,threwonearmaroundhisneck,anddanced.
“Belly—,”heprotested.
“Justdance,Jere!”Iyelled.
Sohedid.Hewasagooddancer,thatJeremiah.Otherpeoplestarteddancingtoo,evenNicole.NotConradthough,butIdidn’tcare.Ibarelyevennoticed.
Idancedlikeitwas1999.Idancedlikemyheartwasbreaking,whichitkindofwas.MostlyIjustswungmyhairaroundalot.
IwasprettysweatywhenIsaid,“Canweswiminthepool?Onelasttime?”
Jeremiahsaid,“Screwthat.Let’sswimintheocean.”
“Yeah!”Itsoundedlikeagreatideatome.Aperfectidea.
“No,”Conradsaid,comingoutofnowhere.Hewassuddenlystandingrightbesideme.“Belly’sdrunk.Sheshouldn’tswim.”
Ilookedathimandfrowned.“ButIwantto,”Isaid.
Helaughed.“Sowhat?”
“Look,I’mareallygoodswimmer.AndI’mnotevendrunk.”Iwalkedinasemistraightlinetoprovemypoint.
“Sorry,”hesaid.“Butyoureallyare.”
Dumb,boringConrad.Hegotsoseriousattheworstmoments.
“You’renofun.”IlookedoveratJeremiah,whowassittingonthefloornow.“He’snofun.Andhe’snotthebossofus.Right,everybody?”
BeforeJeremiahoranybodyelsecouldanswerme,Imadearunfortheslidingdoors,andthenIstumbleddownthestepsandsprintedontothebeach.Ifeltlikeaflyingcomet,astreakinthesky,likeIhadn’tusedmymusclesinsolonganditfeltgreattostretchmylegsandrun
Thehouse,alllitupwithpeopleinside,feltamillionmilesaway.Iknewhe’dcomeafterme.Ididn’thavetoturnaroundtoknowitwashim.ButIdidanyway.
“Comebacktothehouse,”Conradsaid.Hehadthebottleoftequilainhishand.IgrabbeditoutofhishandandtookaswiglikeI’ddoneitamilliontimesbefore,likeIwasthekindofgirlwhocoulddrinkrightfromthebottle.
Iwasproudofmyselffornotspittingitbackup.Itookasteptowardthewater,smilingbigathim.Iwastestinghim.
“Belly,”hewarned.“I’mtellingyounow,I’mnotgoingtopullyourdeadbodyoutoftheoceanwhenyoudrown.”
IcrossedmyeyesathimandthenIdippedmytoein.ThewaterwascolderthanI’dthoughtit’dbe.Suddenlyswimmingdidn’tsoundlikesuchagreatidea.ButIhatedbackingdowntoConrad.Ihatedlosingtohim.“Areyougonnastopme?”
Hesighedandlookedbacktowardthehouse.
Icontinued,tookanotherglugoftequila.Anythingtomakehimpayattention.“Imean,’causeIamastrongerswimmerthanyou.I’mway,wayfaster.Youprobablycouldn’tcatchmeifyouwantedto.”
Hewaslookingatmeagain.“I’mnotcomingafteryou.”
“Really?Youreallyaren’t?”Itookabigstep,thenanother.Thewaterwasuptomyknees.Itwaslowtide,andIwasshivering.Itwasstupid,really.Ididn’tevenwanttoswimanymore.Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoing.Fardownontheothersideofthebeach,somebodyshotoffafirecracker.Itsoundedlikeamissile.Itlookedlikeasilverweepingwillow.Iwatcheditdropdownintotheocean.
AndjustwhenIstartedtofeeldisappointed,justwhenI’dresignedmyselftothefactthathedidn’tcare,hemovedtowardme.Heheavedmeup,overhisshoulder.Idroppedthebottlerightintotheocean.
“Putmedown!”Iscreamed,poundingonhisback.
“Belly,you’redrunk.”
“Putmedownrightnow!”
Andforonce,heactuallylistened.Hedroppedme,rightinthesand,rightonmybutt.“Ow!Thatreallyhurt!”
Itdidn’thurtthatbad,butIwasmad,andmorethanthat,Iwasembarrassed.Ikickedsandathisbackandthewindkickeditrightbackatme.“Jerk!”Iyelled,sputteringandspittingoutsand.
Conradshookhisheadandturnedawayfromme.Hisjeanswerewet.Hewasleaving.Hewasreallyleaving.I’druinedeverythingagain.
WhenIstoodupIfeltsodizzyIalmostfellrightbackdown.
“Wait,”Isaid,andmykneeswobbled.Ipushedmysandyhairoutofmyfaceandtookadeepbreath.Ihadtosayit,hadtotellhim.Mylastchance.
Heturnedbackaround.Hisfacewasacloseddoor.
“Justwaitasecond,please.Ineedtotellyousomething.I’mreallysorryforthewayIactedthatday.”Myvoicewashighanddesperate,andIwascrying,andIhatedthatIwascrying,butIcouldn’thelpit.Ihadtokeeptalking,becausethiswasit.Lastchance.“At…atthefuneral,Iwasawfultoyou.Iwashorrible,andI’msoashamedofhowIacted.Itwasn’thowIwantedthingstogo,notatall.Ireally,reallywantedtobethereforyou.That’swhyIcametofindyou.”
Conradblinkedonceandthenagain.“It’sfine.”
Iwipedmycheeksandmyrunnynose.Isaid,“Doyoumeanit?Youforgiveme?”
“Yes,”hesaid.“Iforgiveyou.Nowstopcrying,allright?”
Isteppedtowardhim,closerandcloserstill,andhedidn’tbackaway.Wewerecloseenoughtokiss.Iwasholdingmybreath,wantingsobadlyforthingstobelikebefore.
Itookonestepcloser,andthat’swhenhesaid,“Let’sgoback,okay?”
Conraddidn’twaitformetoanswerhim.Hejuststartedwalkingaway,andIfollowed.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtobesick.
Justlikethat,themomentwasover.Itwasanalmostmoment,wherealmostanythingcouldhavehappened.Buthehadmadeitbeover.
Backatthehouse,peoplewereswimminginthepoolintheirclothes.Afewgirlswerewavingsparklersaround.ClayBertolet,ourneighbor,wasfloatingalongtheedgeofthepoolinoneofhisundershirts.Hegrabbedmyankles.“Comeon,Belly,swimwithme,”hesaid.
“Letgo,”Isaid,kickinghimoffandsplashinghisfaceintheprocess.
Ipushedmywaythroughallthepeopleonthedeckandmademywaybackintothehouse.Iaccidentallysteppedonsomegirl’sfootandshescreamed.“Sorry,”Isaid,andmyvoicecameoutsoundingfaraway.Iwassodizzy.Ijustwantedmybed.
Icrawledupthestairswithmyhands,likeacrab,thewayIusedtowhenIwasalittlekid.Ifellintobed,anditwasjustliketheysayinthemovies,theroomwasspinning.Thebedwasspinning,andthenIrememberedallthestupidstuffIsaid,andIstartedtocry.
Imadearealfoolofmyselfoutonthatbeach.Itwasdevastating,allofit—Susannahgone,thethoughtofthishousenotbeingoursanymore,megivingConradthechancetorejectmeonemoretime.Taylorwasright:Iwasamasochist.
Ilayonmysideandhuggedmykneestomychestandwept.Everythingwaswrong,andmostofallme.SuddenlyIjustwantedmymother.
Ireachedacrossthebedforthephoneonmynight-stand.Thenumberslitupinthedarkness.Mymotherpickeduponthefourthring.
Hervoicewasdrowsyandfamiliarinawaythatmademecryharder.Morethananythingintheworld,Iwantedtoreachinsidethephoneandbringherhere.
“Mommy,”Isaid.Myvoicecameoutacroak.
“Belly?What’swrong?Whereareyou?”
“I’matSusannah’s.Atthesummerhouse.”
“What?Whatareyoudoingatthesummerhouse?”
“Mr.Fisher’sgonnasellit.He’sgonnasellitandConradissosadandMr.Fisherdoesn’tevencare.Hejustwantstogetridofit.Hewantstogetridofher.”
“Belly,slowdown.Ican’thearwhatyou’resaying.”
“Justcome,okay?Justpleasecomeandfixit.”
AndthenIhungup,becausesuddenlythephonefeltveryheavyinmyhand.IfeltlikeIwasonamerry-go-round,andnotinagoodway.Somebodywassettingofffireworksoutside,anditfeltlikemyheadwaspoundingrightalongwiththem.ThenIclosedmyeyesanditwasworse.ButmyeyelidsfeltheavytooandsoonIwasasleep.chapterthirty-two
JEREMIAH
PrettysoonafterBellywentuptobed,IclearedeverybodyoutanditwasjustConradandme.Hewaslyingfacedownonthecouch.He’dbeenlyingtheresinceheandBellycamebackfromthebeach.Theywerebothwetandsandy.Bellywaswasted,andshe’dbeencrying,Icouldtell.Hereyeswerered.Conrad’sfault—nodoubtaboutthat.
Peoplehadtrackedsandinsideanditwasalloverthefloor.Therewerebottlesandcanseverywhere,andsomebodyhadsatonthecouchinawettowel,andnowthecushionhadabigorangespot.Iflippeditover.“Thehouseisawreck,”Isaid,fallingontotheLa-Z-Boy.“Dadwillfreakoutifheseesitlikethistomorrow.”
Conraddidn’topenhiseyes.“Whatever.We’llcleanitinthemorning.”
Istaredathim,justfeelingpissed.Iwassickofcleaninguphismesses.“It’sgonnatakeushours.”
Thenheopenedhiseyes.“You’retheonewhoinvitedeverybodyover.”
Hehadapoint.Thepartyhadbeenmyidea.Itwasn’tthemessIwaspissedabout.ItwasBelly.Himandher,together.Itmademesick.
“Yourjeansarewet,”Isaid.“You’regettingsandalloverthecouch.”
Conradsatup,rubbedhiseyes.“What’syourproblem?”
Icouldn’ttakeitanymore.Istartedtogetup,butthenIsatbackdown.“Whatthehellhappenedoutsidewithyouguys?”
“Nothing.”
“Whatdoesthatmean,nothing?”
“Nothingmeansnothing.Justleaveit,Jere.”
Ihateditwhenhegotlikethat,allstoicanddetached,especiallywhenIwasmad.He’dalwaysbeenlikethat,butitwasmoreandmorethesedays.Whenourmomdied,hechanged.Conraddidn’tgivetwoshitsaboutanythingoranyoneanymore.IwonderedifthatincludedBelly.
Ihadtoknow.Abouthimandher,howhereallyfelt,whathewasgoingtodoaboutit.Itwasthenotknowingthatkilledaguy.
SoIaskedhimflatout.“Doyoustilllikeher?”
Hestaredatme.I’dshockedthehelloutofhim,Icouldtell.We’dnevertalkedaboutherbefore,notlikethis.ItwasprobablyagoodthingthatI’dcaughthimoffguard.Maybehe’dtellthetruth.
Ifhesaidyes,itwasover.Ifhesaidyes,Iwouldgiveherup.Icouldlivewiththat.IfitwereanyonebutConrad,I’dhavetriedanyway.I’dhavegivenitonelastshot.
Insteadofansweringthequestion,hesaid,“Doyou?”
Icouldfeelmyselfturnred.“I’mnottheonewhotookhertothefreakingprom.”
Conradthoughtthatoverandthensaid,“Ionlytookherbecausesheaskedmeto.”
“Con.Doyoulikeherornot,man?”Ihesitatedforabouttwoseconds,andthenIjustwentforit.“BecauseIdo.Ilikeher.Ireallylikeher.Doyou?”
Hedidn’tblink,didn’tevenhesitate.“No.”
Itreallypissedmeoff.
Hewasfullofshit.Helikedher.Hemorethanlikedher.Buthecouldn’tadmitit,wouldn’tmanup.Conradwouldneverbethatguy,thekindofguyBellyneeded.Someonewhowouldbethereforher,someoneshecouldcounton.Icould.Ifshe’dletme,Icouldbethatguy.
Iwaspissedathim,butIhadtoadmitIwasrelieved,too.Nomatterhowmanytimeshehurther,Iknewthatifhewantedherback,shewashis.Shealwayshadbeen.
ButmaybenowthatConradwasn’tstandingintheway,she’dseemetheretoo.chapterthirty-three
JULY5
“Belly.”
Itriedtorollover,butthenIhearditagain,louder.
“Belly!”Someonewasshakingmeawake.
Iopenedmyeyes.Itwasmymother.Shehaddarkcirclesaroundhereyesandhermouthhadallbutdisappearedintoathinline.Shewaswearingherhousesweats,theonessheneverleftthehousein,noteventogotothegym.Whatintheworldwasshedoingatthesummerhouse?
TherewasabeepingsoundthatatfirstIthoughtwasthealarmclock,butthenIrealizedthatIhadknockedthephoneover,anditwasthebusysignalIwashearing.AndthenIremembered.I’ddrunk-dialedmymother.I’dbroughtherhere.
Isatup,myheadpoundingsoharditfeltlikemyheartwashammeringinsideit.Sothiswaswhatahangoverfeltlike.I’dleftmycontactsinandmyeyeswereburning.Therewassandalloverthebedandsomewasstuckonmyfeet.
Mymotherstoodup;shewasonebigblur.“Youhavefiveminutestopackupyourstuff.”
“Wait…what?”
“We’releaving.”
“ButIcan’tleaveyet.Istillhaveto—”
Itwaslikeshecouldn’thearme,likeIwasonmute.Shestartedpickingmythingsupoffthefloor,throwingTaylor’ssandalsandshortsintomyovernightbag.
“Mom,stop!Juststopforaminute.”
“We’releavinginfiveminutes,”sherepeated,lookingaroundtheroom.
“Justlistentomeforasecond.Ihadtocome.JeremiahandConradneededme.”
Thelookonmymother’sfacemademestopshort.I’dneverseenherangrylikethisbefore.
“Andyoudidn’tfeeltheneedtotellmeaboutit?Beckaskedmetolookafterherboys.HowcanIdothatwhenIdon’tevenknowtheyneedmyhelp?Iftheywereintrouble,youshouldhavetoldme.Insteadyouchosetolietome.Youlied.”
“Ididn’twanttolietoyou—,”Istartedtosay.
Shekeptongoing.“You’vebeenheredoingGodknowswhat…”
Istaredather.Icouldn’tbelieveshe’djustsaidthat.“Whatdoesthatmean,‘Godknowswhat’?”
Mymotherwhirledaround,hereyesallwild.“WhatamIsupposedtothink?YousnuckoutherewithConradbeforeandyouspentthenight!Soyoutellme.Whatareyoudoingherewithhim?Becauseitlookstomelikeyouliedtomesoyoucouldcomehereandgetdrunkandfoolaroundwithyourboyfriend.”
Ihatedher.Ihatedhersomuch.
“He’snotmyboyfriend!Youdon’tknowanything!”
Theveininmymother’sforeheadwaspulsing.“Youcallmeatfourinthemorning,drunk.Icallyourcellphoneanditgoesstraighttovoicemail.IcallthehousephoneandallIgetisabusysignal.Idriveallnight,worriedoutofmymind,andIgethereandthehouseisawreck.Beercanseverywhere,trashallovertheplace.Whatthehelldoyouthinkyou’redoing,Isabel?Ordoyouevenknow?”
Thewallsinthehousewerereallythin.Everyonecouldprobablyheareverything.
Isaid,“Weweregoingtocleanitup.Thiswasourlastnighthere.Don’tyougetit?Mr.Fisherissellingthehouse.Don’tyoucare?”
Sheshookherhead,herjawtight.“Doyoureallythinkyou’vehelpedmattersbymeddling?Thisisn’tourbusiness.HowmanytimesdoIhavetoexplainthattoyou?”
“Itissoourbusiness.Susannahwouldhavewantedustosavethishouse!”
“Don’ttalktomeaboutwhatSusannahwouldhavewanted,”mymothersnapped.“Nowputyourclothesonandgetyourthings.We’releaving.”
“No.”Ipulledthecoversuptomyshoulders.
“What?”
“Isaidno.I’mnotgoing!”IstaredupatmymotherasdefiantlyasIcould,butIcouldfeelmychintrembling.
Shemarchedovertothebedandrippedthesheetsrightoffofme.Shegrabbedmyarm,pulledmeoutofthebedandtowardthedoor,andItwistedawayfromher.
“Youcan’tmakemego,”Isobbed.“Youcan’ttellmeanything.Youdon’thavetheright.”
Mytearsdidnotmovemymother.Theyonlymadeherangrier.Shesaid,“You’reactinglikeaspoiledbrat.Can’tyoulookbeyondyourowngriefandthinkaboutsomeoneelse?It’snotallaboutyou.WealllostBeck.Feelingsorryforyourselfisn’thelpinganything.”
HerwordsstungmesobadlyIwantedtohurtherbackamilliontimesworse.SoIsaidthethingIknewwouldhurthermost.Isaid,“IwishSusannahwasmymotherandnotyou.”
HowmanytimeshadIthoughtit,wishedforitsecretly?WhenIwaslittle,SusannahwastheoneIranto,nother.Iusedtowonderwhatitwouldbelike,tohaveamomlikeSusannahwholovedmeformeandwasn’tdisappointedinallthewaysthatIdidn’tmeasureup.
IwasbreathinghardasIwaitedformymothertorespond.Tocry,toscreamatme.
Shedidn’tdoeitherofthosethings.Insteadshesaid,“Howunfortunateforyou.”
EvenwhenItriedmyhardest,Icouldn’tgetthereactionIwantedfrommymother.Shewasimpenetrable.
Isaid,“Susannahwillneverforgiveyouforthis,youknow.Forlosingherhouse.Forlettingdownherboys.”
Mymother’shandreachedoutandstruckmycheeksohardIrockedback.Ididn’tseeitcoming.IclutchedmyfaceandrightawayIcried,butpartofmewassatisfied.IfinallygotwhatIwanted.Proofthatshecouldfeelsomething.
Herfacewaswhite.Shehadneverhitmebefore.Neverever,notinmywholelife.
Iwaitedforhertosayshewassorry.Tosayshedidn’tmeantohurtme,shedidn’tmeanthethingsshe’dsaid.Ifshesaidthosethings,thenIwouldsaythemtoo.BecauseIwassorry.Ididn’tmeanthethingsIsaid.
Whenshedidn’tspeak,Ibackedawayfromherandthenaroundher,holdingmyface.ThenIranoutoftheroom,stumblingovermyfeet.
Jeremiahwasstandinginthehallway,lookingatmewithhismouthopen.Helookedatmelikehedidn’trecognizeme,likehedidn’tknowwhothispersonwas,thisgirlwhoscreamedathermotherandsaidterriblethings.“Wait,”hesaid,reachingouttostopme.
Ipushedpasthimandmoveddownthestairs.
Inthelivingroom,Conradwaspickingupbeerbottlesandtossingthemintoabluerecyclingbag.Hedidn’tlookatme.Iknewhe’dheardeverythingtoo.
IranoutthebackdoorandthenIalmosttrippedgoingdownthestairsthatheadeddowntothebeach.Isanktothegroundandsatinthesand,holdingmyburningcheekinthepalmofmyhand.AndthenIthrewup.
IheardJeremiahcomeupbehindme.Iknewitwashimrightaway,becauseConradwouldknownottofollowme.
“Ijustwanttobealone,”Isaid,wipingmymouth.Ididn’tturnaround.Ididn’twanthimtoseemyface.
“Belly,”hestarted.Hesatdownnexttomeandkickedsandovermythrowup.
Whenhedidn’tsayanythingmore,Ilookedathim.“What?”
Hebithisupperlip.Thenhereachedoutandtouchedmycheek.Hisfingersfeltwarm.Helookedsosad.Hesaid,“Youshouldjustgowithyourmom.”
WhateverI’dbeenexpectinghimtosay,ithadn’tbeenthat.I’dcomeallthiswayandI’dgotteninsomuchtrouble,justsoIcouldhelphimandConrad,andnowhewantedmetoleave?TearswelledupinthecornersofmyeyesandIwipedthemawaywiththebackofmyhands.“Why?”
“BecauseLaurel’sreallyupset.Everything’sgonetocrap,andit’smyfault.Inevershouldhaveaskedyoutocome.I’msorry.”
“I’mnotleaving.”
“Prettysoonwe’llallhaveto.”
“Andthat’sit?”
Heshrugged.“Yeah,Iguessitis.”
Wesatinthesandforawhile.Ihadneverfeltmorelost.Icriedalittlemore,andJeremiahdidn’tsayanything,whichIwasgratefulfor.Therewasnothingworsethanyourfriendwatchingyoucryafteryoujustgotintroublewithyourmother.WhenIwasdone,hestoodupandgavemehishand.“Comeon,”hesaid,pullingmetomyfeet.
Wewentbackinsidethehouse.Conradwasgoneandthelivingroomwasclean.Mymotherwasmoppingthekitchenfloor.Whenshesawme,shestopped.Sheputthemopbackintothebucketandleaneditagainstthewall.
RightinfrontofJeremiah,shesaid,“I’msorry.”
Ilookedathim,andhebackedoutofthekitchenandwentupthestairs.Ialmoststoppedhim.Ididn’twanttobealonewithher.Iwasafraid.
Shecontinued.“You’reright.I’vebeenabsent.I’vebeensoconsumedwithmyowngrief,Ihaven’treachedouttoyou.I’msorryforthat.”
“Mom—,”Istartedtosay.IwasabouttotellherIwassorrytoo,forsayingthatthingbefore,thatawfulthingIwishedIcouldtakeback.Butsheliftedherhandupandstoppedme.
“I’mjust—offbalance.EversinceBeckdied,Ican’tseemtofindmyequilibrium.”Sherestedherheadagainstthewall.“I’vebeencomingherewithBecksinceIwasyoungerthanyouarenow.Ilovethishouse.Youknowthat.”
“Iknow,”Isaid.“Ididn’tmeanit,whatIsaidbefore.”
Mymothernodded.“Let’ssitdownaminute,allright?”
ShesatdownatthekitchentableandItookaseatacrossfromher.
“Ishouldn’thavehityou,”shesaid,andhervoicebroke.“I’msorry.”
“Youneverdidthatbefore.”
“Iknow.”
Mymotherreachedacrossthetableandtookmyhandinhers,tightasacocoon.AtfirstIfeltstiff,butthenIlethercomfortme.BecauseIcouldseeitwasacomforttoher,too.Wesatlikethatforwhatfeltlikealongtime.
Whensheletgo,shesaid,“Youliedtome,Belly.Youneverlietome.”
“Ididn’tmeanto.ButConradandJeremiahareimportanttome.Theyneededme,soIwent.”
“Iwishyouwouldhavetoldme.Beck’sboysareimportanttome,too.Ifsomething’sgoingon,Iwanttoknowaboutit.Okay?”
Inodded.
Thenshesaid,“Areyouallpacked?IwanttobeatSundaytrafficonthewayback.”
Istaredather.“Mom,wecan’tjustleave.Notwitheverythingthat’shappening.Youcan’tletMr.Fishersellthehouse.Youjustcan’t.”
Shesighed.“Idon’tknowthatIcansayanythingtochangehismind,Belly.AdamandIdon’tseeeyetoeyeonalotofthings.Ican’tstophimfromsellingthehouseifthat’swhathe’sseton.”
“Youcan,Iknowyoucan.He’lllistentoyou.ConradandJeremiah,theyneedthishouse.Theyneedit.”
Isetmyheaddownonthetable,andthewoodwascoolandsmoothagainstmycheek.Mymothertouchedthetopofmyhead,runningherhandthroughmytangledhair.
“I’llcallhim,”shesaidatlast.“Nowgetupstairsandtakeashower.”Hopefully,IlookedupatherandIsawthefirmsetofhermouthandthenarrowofhereyes.AndIknewitwasn’toveryet.
Ifanybodycouldmakethingsright,itwasmymother.chapterthirty-four
JEREMIAH
Therewasthistime—IthinkIwasthirteenandBellywaseleven,abouttoturntwelve.She’dcaughtasummercold,andshewasmiserable.Shewascampedoutonthecouchwithballed-uptissuesallaroundher,andshe’dbeenwearingthesamerattypajamasfordays.Becauseshewassick,shegottopickwhateverTVshowshewantedtowatch.TheonlythingshecouldeatweregrapePopsicles,andwhenIreachedforone,mymothersaidthatBellyshouldhaveit.Eventhoughshe’dalreadyhadthree.Igotstuckwithayellowone.
Itwasafternoon,andConradandStevenhadhitchhikedtothearcade,whichIwasn’tsupposedtoknowabout.Themomsthoughttheywereridingtheirbikestothetackleshopformorerubberworms.IwasgoingtogoboardingwithClay,andIhadmyswimtrunksonandatowelaroundmyneckwhenIranintomymominthekitchen.
“Whatareyouupto,Jere?”sheasked.
Imadeahangtensign.“I’mgonnagoboardingwithClay.Seeya!”
Iwasabouttopushtheslidingdooropenwhenshesaid,“Hmm.Youknowwhat?”
Suspiciously,Iasked,“What?”
“ItmightbeniceifyoustayedinsidetodayandcheeredupBelly.Poorthingcouldusesomecheeringup.”
“Aw,Mom—”
“Please,Jeremiah?”
Isighed.Ididn’twanttostayhomeandcheerupBelly.IwantedtogoboardingwithClay.
WhenIdidn’tsayanything,sheadded,“Wecangrillouttonight.I’llletyoubeinchargeoftheburgers.”
Isighedagain,louderthistime.Mymomstillthoughtthatlettingmefireupthegrillandfliphamburgerswasabigtreatforme.Notthatitwasn’tfun,butstill.Iopenedmymouthtosay“nothanks,”butthenIsawthefond,happylookonherface,thewayshejustknewIwouldsayyes.SoIdid.“Fine,”Isaid.
IwentbackupstairsandchangedoutofmyswimtrunksandthenIjoinedBellyintheTVroom.IsatasfarawayfromherasIcould.ThelastthingIneededwastocatchhercoldandbesidelinedforaweek.
“Whyareyoustillhere?”sheasked,blowinghernose.
“It’stoohotoutside,”Isaid.“Wannawatchamovie?”
“It’snotthathotoutside.”
“Howwouldyouknowifyouhaven’tbeenoutthere?”
Shenarrowedhereyes.“Didyourmommakeyoustayinsidewithme?”
“No,”Isaid.
“Ha!”Bellygrabbedtheremoteandchangedthechannel.“Iknowyou’relying.”
“Iamnot!”
Blowinghernoseloudlyshesaid,“ESP,remember?”
“That’snotreal.CanIhavetheremote?”
Sheshookherheadandheldtheremotetoherchestprotectively.“No.Mygermsarealloverit.Sorry.Isthereanymoretoastbread?”
Toastbreadwaswhatwecalledthebreadmymomboughtatthefarmer’smarket.Itcamesliced,anditwaswhiteandthickandalittlebitsweet.I’dhadthelastthreeslicesoftoastbreadthatmorning.I’dslathereditwithbutterandblackberryjamandI’deatenitreallyfastbeforeanyoneelsegotup.Withfourkidsandtwoadults,breadwentreallyfast.Itwaseverymanforhimself.
“Nomoretoastbreadleft,”Isaid.
“ConradandStevenaresuchpigs,”shesaid,sniffling.
Guiltily,Isaid,“IthoughtallyouwantedtoeatweregrapePopsicles.”
Sheshrugged.“WhenIwokeupthismorningIwantedtoastbread.IthinkmaybeI’mgettingbetter.”
Shedidn’tlookanybettertome.Hereyeswereswollenandherskinlookedgrayish,andIdon’tthinkshe’dwashedherhairindaysbecauseitwasallstringyandmattedlooking.“Maybeyoushouldtakeashower,”Isaid.“Mymomsaysyoualwaysfeelbetterafteryoutakeashower.”
“AreyousayingIsmell?”
“Um,no.”Ilookedoutthewindow.Itwasaclearday,noclouds.IbetClaywashavingablast.IbetStevenandConradweretoo.Conradhademptiedouthisoldfirst-gradepiggybankandfoundatonofquarters.Ibetthey’dbeatthearcadeallafternoon.IwonderedhowlongClaywasgonnabeoutside.Imightbeabletocatchhiminafewhours;it’dstillbelightout.
IguessBellycaughtmestaringoutthewindow,becauseshesaid,inthisreallysnottyvoice,“Justgoifyouwantto.”
“IsaidIdidn’t,”Isnapped.ThenItookabreath.Mymomwouldn’tlikeitifImadeBellyupsetwhenshewasallsicklikethis.Andshereallydidlooklonely.Ikindafeltsorryforher,beingstuckinsideallday.Summercoldssuckedmorethananything.
SoIsaid,“Doyouwantmetoteachyouhowtoplaypoker?”
“Youdon’tknowhowtoplay,”shescoffed.“Conradbeatsyoueverytime.”
“Fine,”Isaid.Istoodup.Ididn’tfeelthatsorryforher.
“Nevermind,”shesaid.“Youcanteachme.”
Isatbackdown.“Passthecards,”Isaidgruffly.
IcouldtellBellyfeltbadbecauseshesaid,“Youshouldn’tsittooclose.You’llgetsicktoo.”
“That’sokay,”Isaid.“Inevergetsick.”
“NeitherdoesConrad,”shesaid,andIrolledmyeyes.BellyworshippedConrad,justlikeStevendid.
“Conraddoesgetsick,hegetssickallthetimeinthewinter.Hehasaweakimmunesystem,”Itoldher,althoughIdidn’tknowifthatwastrueornot.
Sheshrugged,butIcouldtellshedidn’tbelieveme.Shehandedmethecards.“Justdeal,”shesaid.
Weplayedpokerallafternoonanditwasactuallyprettyfun.Igotsicktwodayslater,butIdidn’tmindthatmuch.BellystayedhomewithmeandweplayedmorepokerandwewatchedTheSimpsonsalot.chapterthirty-five
JEREMIAH
AssoonasIheardBellycomeupthestairs,Imetherinthehallway.“So?What’sgoingon?”
“Mymom’scallingyourdad,”shesaidgravely.
“Sheis?Wow.”
“Yeah,so,don’t,like,giveupalready.It’snotoveryet.”Thenshegavemeoneofherwrinkly-nosesmiles.
Iclappedheronthebackandpracticallysprinteddownthestairs.TherewasLaurel,wipingdownthecounter.Whenshesawme,shesaid,“Yourfather’scomingover.Forbreakfast.”
“Here?”
Laurelnodded.“Willyougotothestoreandgetsomethingshelikes?Eggsandbacon.Muffinmix.Andthosebiggrapefruit.”
Laurelhatedtocook.Shehaddefinitelynevermademydadalumberjackbreakfast.“Whyareyoucookingforhim?”Iasked.
“Becausehe’sachildandchildrenarecrankywhentheyhaven’tbeenfed,”shesaidinthatdrywayofhers.
Outofnowhere,Isaid,“SometimesIhatehim.”
Shehesitatedbeforesaying,“SometimesIdotoo.”
AndthenIwaitedforhertosay,“Butheisyourfather,”thewaymymomusedto.Laureldidn’t,though.Laurelwasnobullshit.Shedidn’tsaythingsshedidn’tmean.
Allshesaidwas,“Nowgetgoing.”
Igotupandgaveherabearhug,andshewasstiffinmyarms.Iliftedherupintheairalittle,thewayIusedtodowithmymom.“Thanks,Laure,”Isaid.“Really,thanks.”
“I’ddoanythingforyouboys.Youknowthat.”
“Howdidyouknowtocome?”
“Bellycalledme,”shesaid.Shenarrowedhereyesatme.“Drunk.”
Oh,man.“Laure—”
“Don’tyou‘Laure’me.Howcouldyouletherdrink?Icountonyou,Jeremiah.Youknowthat.”
NowIfeltawfultoo.ThelastthingIwantedwasforBellytogetintrouble,andIreallyhatedthethoughtofLaurelthinkingbadlyofme.I’dalwaystriedsohardtolookoutforBelly,unlikeConrad.Ifanyonehadcorruptedher,itwasConrad,notme.EventhoughIwastheonewhoboughtthetequila,nothim.
Isaid,“I’mreallysorry.It’sjustthatwithmydad’ssellingthehouse,anditbeingourlastnight,wegotcarriedaway.Iswear,Laure,it’llneverhappenagain.”
Sherolledhereyes.“‘It’llneverhappenagain’?Don’tmakepromisesyoucan’tkeep,hon.”
“It’llneverhappenagainonmywatch,”Itoldher.
Pursingherlips,shesaid,“We’llsee.”
Iwasrelievedwhenshegavemeanothergrimace-smile.“Hurryupandgettothestore,willyou?”
“Ayeaye,sir.”Iwantedhertosmileforreal.IknewthatifIkepttrying,keptjoking,shewould.Shewaseasythatway.
Thistime,shereallydidsmilebackatme.chapterthirty-six
Mymotherwasright.Theshowerhelped.ItiltedmyfacetowardtheshowerheadandletthehotwaterwashovermeandIfeltmuch,muchbetter.
Aftermyshower,Icamebackdownstairsanewwoman.Mymotherwaswearinglipstick,andsheandConradweretalkinginlowvoices.
Theystoppedtalkingwhentheysawmestandinginthedoorway.“Muchbetter,”mymothersaid.
“Where’sJeremiah?”Iasked.
“Jeremiahwentbacktothestore.Heforgotthegrapefruit,”shesaid.
Thetimerwentoffandmymothertookmuffinsoutoftheovenwithadishtowel.Sheaccidentallytouchedthemuffintinwithherbarehandandsheyelpedanddroppedthetinonthefloor,muffinsidedown.“Damn!”
ConradaskedifshewasokaybeforeIcould.“I’mfine,”shesaid,runningcoldwateroverherhand.
Thenshepickedthetinbackupandsetitonthecounter,ontopofthetowel.Isatdownononeofthecounterstoolsandwatchedmymotheremptythemuffintinintoabasket.“Ourlittlesecret,”shesaid.
Themuffinsweresupposedtocoolalittlewhilebeforeyoutookthemoutofthetin,butIdidn’ttellherthat.Afewweresmushedbuttheymostlylookedokay.
“Haveamuffin,”shesaid.
Itookone,anditwasburninghotandfallingapart,butitwasgood.Iateitquickly.
WhenIwasdone,mymothersaid,“YouandConradtaketherecyclingout.”
Withoutaword,Conradpickeduptwooftheheavierbagsandleftmethehalf-emptyone.Ifollowedhimoutsidetothetrashcansattheendofthedriveway.
“Didyoucallher?”heaskedme.
“IguessIdid.”Iwaitedforhimtocallmeababyforcallingmymommythesecondthingsgotscary.
Hedidn’t.Instead,hesaid,“Thanks.”
Istaredathim.“Sometimesyousurpriseme,”Isaid.
Hedidn’tlookatmewhenhesaid,“Andyouhardlyeversurpriseme.You’restillthesame.”
Iglaredathim.“Thanksalot.”Idumpedmygarbagebaginthebinandshutthelidalittletoohard.
“No,Imean…”
Iwaitedforhimtosaysomething,anditseemedlikehemighthave,butthenJeremiah’scarcamedownthestreet.WebothwatchedJeremiahparkandthenboundoutofthecarwithaplasticgrocerybag.Hestrodeuptous,hiseyesbright.“Hey,”hesaidtome,hisbagswinging.
“Hey,”Isaid.Icouldn’tevenlookhimintheeye.IthadallcomebacktomewhenIwasintheshower.MakingJeremiahdancewithme,runningawayfromConrad,andhimpickingmeupanddroppingmeinthesand.Howhumiliating.Howawfulthattheysawmebehavethatway.
ThenJeremiahgavemyhandasqueeze,andwhenIlookedupathim,hesaid“thankyou”sosweetlyithurt.
Thethreeofuswalkedbacktothehouse.ThePoliceweresinging“MessageinaBottle”andthestereowasveryloud.RightawaymyheadstartedpoundingandallIwantedwastogobacktobed.
“Canweturndownthatmusic?”Iasked,rubbingmytemples.
“Nope,”mymothersaid,takingthebagfromJeremiah.ShepulledoutabiggrapefruitandtossedittoConrad.“Squeeze,”shesaid,pointingatthejuicer.ThejuicerwasMr.Fisher’s,anditwashugeandcomplicated,oneofthoseJackLaLanneonesfromthelatenightinfomercials.
Conradsnorted.“Forhim?I’mnotsqueezinghisgrapefruit.”
“Yes,youwill.”Tome,mymothersaid,“Mr.Fisher’scomingtobreakfast.”
Isquealed.Iranovertoherandwrappedmyarmsaroundherwaist.“It’sjustbreakfast,”shewarnedme.“Don’tgogettingyourhopesup.”
Butitwastoolate.Iknewshe’dchangehismind.Iknewit.AndsodidJeremiahandConrad.TheybelievedinmymotherandsodidI—nevermoresothanwhenConradstartedcuttingthegrapefruitinhalf.Mymothernoddedathimlikeadrillsergeant.Thenshesaid,“Jere,yousetthetable,andBelly,youdotheeggs.”
Istartedcrackingeggsintoabowl,andmymotherfriedbaconinSusannah’scastironskillet.Sheleftthebacongreaseformetofrytheeggsin.Istirredtheeggsaround,andthesmelloftheeggsandthegreasemademewanttogag.IheldmybreathasIstirred,andmymothertriedtohideasmileasshewatchedme.“Feelingokay,Belly?”sheasked.
Inodded,myteethclenched.
“Everplanningondrinkingagain?”sheaskedconversationally.
IshookmyheadashardasIcould.“Never,everagain.”
WhenMr.Fisherarrivedhalfanhourlater,wewerereadyforhim.Hewalkedinandlookedatthetableinamazement.“Wow,”hesaid.“Thislooksgreat,Laure.Thankyou.”
Hegaveherameaningfullook,theadultco-conspiratorialkindoflook.
MymothersmiledaMonaLisakindofsmile.Mr.Fisherwasn’tgonnaknowwhathithim.“Let’ssit,”shesaid.
Weallsatdownthen.MymothersatnexttoMr.FisherandJeremiahacrossfromhim.IsatnexttoConrad.“Digin,”mymothersaid.
IwatchedMr.Fisherpileamoundofeggsonhisplate,andthenfourstripsofbacon.Helovedbacon,andhereallyloveditthewaymymothermadeit—incinerated,almostburnedtoacrisp.Ipassedonthebaconandeggsandjusttookamuffin.
MymotherpouredMr.Fisheratallglassofgrapefruitjuice.“Freshsqueezed,courtesyofyoureldest,”shesaid.Hetookit,alittlesuspiciously.Icouldn’tblamehim.TheonlypersonwhohadeversqueezedjuiceforMr.FisherwasSusannah.
ButMr.Fisherreboundedquickly.Heshoveledaforkfulofeggsintohismouthandsaid,“Listen,thanksagainforcomingtohelp,Laurel.Ireallyappreciateit.”Helookedatuskids,smiling.“Theseguysweren’ttookeenonlisteningtowhatIhadtosay.I’mgladtohavealittlebackup.”
Mymothersmiledbackathimjustaspleasantly.“Oh,I’mnotheretobackyouup,Adam.I’mheretobackupBeck’sboys.”
Hissmilefaded.Heputdownhisfork.“Laure—”
“Youcan’tsellthishouse,Adam.Youknowthat.Itmeanstoomuchtothekids.Itwouldbeamistake.”Mymotherwascalm,matter-of-fact.
Mr.FisherlookedatConradandJeremiahandthenbackatmymother.“I’vealreadymadeupmymind,Laurel.Don’tmakemeouttobethebadguyhere.”
Takingabreath,mymothersaid,“I’mnotmakingyououttobeanything.I’mjusttryinghelpyou.”
UskidssatabsolutelystillaswewaitedforMr.Fishertospeak.Hewasstrugglingtostaycalm,buthisfacewasturningred.“Iappreciatethat.ButI’vemadeupmymind.Thehouseisforsale.Andfrankly,Laurel,youdon’tgetavoteinthis.I’msorry.IknowSuzealwaysmadeyoufeellikethishousewaspartyours,butit’snot.”
Ialmostgasped.Myeyesdartedbacktomymother,andIsawthatshe,too,wasturningred.“Oh,Iknowthat,”shesaid.“ThishouseispureBeck.It’salwaysbeenBeck.Thiswasherfavoriteplace.That’swhytheboysshouldhaveit.”
Mr.Fisherstoodupandpushedouthischair.“I’mnotgoingtoargueaboutthiswithyou,Laurel.”
“Adam,sitdown,”mymothersaid.
“No,Idon’tthinkIwill.”
Mymother’seyeswerealmostglowing.“Isaid,sitdown,Adam.”Hegapedather—wealldid.Thenshesaid,“Kids,getout.”
Conradopenedhismouthtoarguebuthethoughtbetterofit,especiallywhenhesawthelookonmymother’sfaceandhisdadsitbackdown.Asforme,Icouldn’tgetoutoftherefastenough.Weallhustledoutofthekitchenandsatatthetopofthestairs,strainingtohear.
Wedidn’thavetowaitlong.Mr.Fishersaid,“Whatthehell,Laurel?Didyoureallythinkyoucouldrailroadmeintochangingmymind?”
“Excuseme,butfuckyou.”
IclappedmyhandovermymouthandConrad’seyeswereshiningandhewasshakinghisheadinadmiration.Jeremiah,though,helookedlikehemightcry.Ireachedoutandgrabbedhishandandgaveitasqueeze.Whenhetriedtopullaway,Iheldontighter.
“ThishousemeanteverythingtoBeck.Can’tyougetpastyourowngriefandseewhatitmeanstotheboys?Theyneedthis.Theyneedthis.Idon’twanttobelievethatyou’rethiscruel,Adam.”
Hedidn’tanswerher.
“Thishouseishers.It’snotyours.Don’tmakemestopyou,Adam.BecauseIwill.I’lldoeverythinginmypowertokeepthishouseforBeck’sboys.”
Mr.Fishersaid,“Whatwillyoudo,Laure?”andhesoundedsotired.
“I’lldowhatIhavetodo.”
Hisvoicewasmuffledwhenhesaid,“She’severywherehere.She’severywhere.”
Hemighthavebeencrying.Ialmostfeltsorryforhim.Iguessmymotherdidtoo,becausehervoicewasnearlygentlewhenshesaid,“Iknow.ButAdam?Youwereasorryexcuseforahusband.Butshelovedyou.Shereallydid.Shetookyouback.Itriedtotalkheroutofit,GodknowsItried.Butshewouldn’tlisten,becausewhenshesetshermindonsomeone,that’sit.Andshesethermindonyou,Adam.Earnthat.Provemewrong.”
HesaidsomethingIcouldn’tquitehear.Andthenmymothersaid,“Youdothisonelastthingforher.Okay?”
IlookedoveratConrad,andhesaidinalowvoice,tonooneinparticular,“Laurelisamazing.”
I’dneverheardanyonedescribemymomthatway,especiallynotConrad.I’dneverthoughtofheras“amazing.”Butinthatmoment,shewas.Shetrulywas.Isaid,“Yeah,sheis.SowasSusannah.”
HelookedatmeforaminuteandthenhegotupandwenttohisroomwithoutwaitingtohearwhatelseMr.Fishersaid.Hedidn’tneedto.Mymotherhadwon.Shehaddoneit.
Alittlewhilelater,whenitseemedsafe,JeremiahandIwentbackdownstairs.MymotherandMr.Fisherweredrinkingcoffeethewaygrown-upsdo.Hiseyeswerered-rimmedbutherswerethecleareyesofavictor.Whenhesawus,hesaid,“Where’sConrad?”
HowmanytimeshadIheardMr.Fishersay,“Where’sConrad?”Hundreds.Millions.
“He’supstairs,”Jeremiahsaid.
“Gogethim,willyou,Jere?”
Jeremiahhesitatedandthenhelookedatmymother,whonodded.Heboundedupthestairsandafewminuteslater,Conradwaswithhim.Conrad’sfacewasguarded,cautious.
“I’llmakeyouadeal,”Mr.Fishersaid.ThiswastheoldMr.Fisher,powerbroker,negotiator.Helovedtomakedeals.Heusedtooffertradestouskids.Like,he’ddriveustothego-karttrackifwesweptthesandoutofthegarage.Orhe’dtaketheboysfishingiftheycleanedoutallthetackleboxes.
Warily,Conradsaid,“Whatdoyouwant?Mytrustfund?”
Mr.Fisher’sjawtightened.“No.Iwantyoubackatschooltomorrow.Iwantyoutofinishyourexams.Ifyoudothat,thehouseisyours.YoursandJeremiah’s.”
Jeremiahwhoopedloudly.“Yes!”heshouted.HereachedoverandenvelopedMr.Fisherinaguyhug,andMr.Fisherclappedhimontheback.
“What’sthecatch?”Conradasked.
“Nocatch.ButyouhavetomakeatleastCs.NoDsorFs.”Mr.Fisherhadalwayspridedhimselfondrivingthehardbargain.“Dowehaveadeal?”
Conradhesitated.Iknewrightawaywhatwaswrong.Conraddidn’twanttoowehisdadanything.Eventhoughthiswaswhathewanted,eventhoughitwaswhyhehadcomehere.Hedidn’twanttotakeanythingfromhisdad.
“Ihaven’tstudied,”hesaid.“Imightnotpass.”
Hewastestinghim.Conradhadnever“notpassed.”He’dnevergottenanythingbelowaB,andevenBswererare.
“Thennodeal,”Mr.Fishersaid.“Thosearetheterms.”
Urgently,Jeremiahsaid,“Con,justsayyes,man.We’llhelpyoustudy.Won’twe,Belly?”
Conradlookedatme,andIlookedatmymother.“CanI,Mom?”
Mymothernodded.“Youcanstay,butyouhavetobehometomorrow.”
“Takethedeal,”ItoldConrad.
“Allright,”hesaidatlast.
“Shakeonitlikeaman,then,”Mr.Fishersaid,holdingouthishand.
Reluctantly,Conradextendedhisarmandtheyshook.Mymothercaughtmyeyeandshemouthed,Shakeonitlikeaman,andIknewshewasthinkinghowsexistMr.Fisherwas.Butitdidn’tmatter.Wehadwon.
“Thanks,Dad,”Jeremiahsaid.“Really,thanks.”
HehuggedhisdadagainandMr.Fisherhuggedhimback,saying,“Ineedtogetbacktothecity.”Thenhenoddedatme.“ThanksforhelpingConrad,Belly.”
Isaid,“You’rewelcome.”ButIdidn’tknowwhatIwassaying“you’rewelcome”for,becauseIhadn’treallydoneanything.MymotherhadhelpedConradmoreinhalfanhourthanIhadinallmytimeofknowinghim.
AfterMr.Fisherleft,mymothergotupandstartedrinsingdishes.Ijoinedherandloadedthemintothedishwasher.Irestedmyheadonhershoulderforasecond.Isaid,“Thankyou.”
“You’rewelcome.”
“Youwerearealbadass,Mom.”
“Don’tcuss,”shesaid,thecornersofhermouthturningup.
“You’reonetotalk.”
Thenwewashedthedishesinsilence,andmymotherhadthatsadlookonherfaceandIknewshewasthinkingofSusannah.AndIwishedtherewassomethingIcouldsaytotakethatlookaway,butsometimestherejustweren’twords.
Thethreeofuswalkedhertothecar.“Youboyswillgetherhometomorrow?”sheasked,throwingherbagontothepassengerseat.
“Definitely,”Jeremiahsaid.
ThenConradsaid,“Laurel.”Hehesitated.“You’recomingback,aren’tyou?”
Mymotherturnedtohim,surprised.Shewastouched.“Youwantanoldladylikemearound?”sheasked.“Sure,I’llbebackwheneveryou’llhaveme.”
“When?”heasked.Helookedsoyoung,sovulnerablemyheartachedalittle
Iguessedmymotherwasfeelingthesameway,becauseshereachedoutandtouchedhischeek.Mymotherwasnotacheek-touchingkindofperson.Itjustwasn’therway.ButitwasSusannah’s.“Beforethesummer’sover,andI’llcomebacktoclosethehouseuptoo.”
Mymothergotintothecarthen.Shewavedatusasshebackeddownthedriveway,hersunglasseson,thewindowdown.“Seeyousoon,”shecalledout.
JeremiahwavedandConradsaid,“Seeyousoon.”
MymothertoldmeoncethatwhenConradwasveryyoung,hecalledher“hisLaura.”“WhereismyLaura?”he’dsay,wanderingaroundlookingforher.Shesaidhefollowedhereverywhere;he’devenfollowherintothebathroom.Hecalledherhisgirlfriendandhewouldbringhersandcrabsandseashellsfromtheoceanandhewouldlaythematherfeet.Whenshetoldmeaboutit,Ithought,WhatIwouldn’tgivetohaveConradFishercallmehisgirlfriendandbringmeshells
“I’msurehedoesn’tremember,”she’dsaid,smilingfaintly.
“Whydon’tyouaskhimifhedoes?”I’dsaid.IlovedhearingstoriesaboutwhenConradwaslittle.Ilovedtoteasehim,becausetheopportunitytoteaseConradcameupsorarely.
She’dsaid,“No,thatwouldembarrasshim,”andI’dsaid,“Sowhat?Isn’tthatthepoint?”
Andshe’dsaid,“Conradissensitive.Hehasalotofpride.Lethimhavethat.”
Thewayshesaidthat,Icouldtellthatshereallygothim.UnderstoodhiminawaythatIdidn’t.Iwasjealousofthat,ofbothofthem.
“WhatwasIlike?”I’dasked.
“You?Youweremybaby.”
“ButwhatwasIlike?”Ipersisted.
“Youusedtochaseaftertheboys.Itwassocutethewayyou’dfollowthemaround,tryingtoimpressthem.”Mymotherlaughed.“Theyusedtogetyoutodancearoundanddotricks.”
“Likeapuppy?”Ifrownedatthethought.
She’dwavedmeoff.“Oh,youwerefine.Youjustlikedtobeincluded.”chapterthirty-seven
JEREMIAH
ThedayLaurelcame,thehousewasawreckandIwasinmyboxersironingmywhitebutton-down.IwasalreadylateforseniorbanquetandIwasinafoulmood.MymomhadbarelysaidtwowordsalldayandevenNonacouldn’tgethertotalk
IwassupposedtopickupMara,andshehateditwhenIwaslate.She’dgetallpissyandshe’dsitandsulkforaboutaslongasI’dmadeherwait.
IhadputdowntheironforasecondsoIcouldturntheshirtoverandIendedupburningthebackofmyarm.“Shit!”Iyelled.Itreallyfreakinghurt.
ThatwaswhenLaurelshowedup.Shewalkedthroughthefrontdoorandsawmestandinginthelivingroominmyboxers,holdingthebackofmyarm.
“Runsomecoldwateroverit,”shetoldme.Irantothekitchenandheldmyarmunderthefaucetforafewminutes,andwhenIcameback,shehadfinishedtheshirtandgottenstartedonmykhakis.
“Doyouwearyourswithacreasedownthefront?”sheaskedme.
“Uh,sure,”Isaid.“Whatareyoudoinghere,Laurel?It’saTuesday.”Laurelusuallycameonweekendsandstayedintheguestroom.
“Ijustcametocheckonthings,”shesaid,runningtheirondownthefrontofthepants.“Ihadafreeafternoon.”
“Mymom’sasleepalready,”Itoldher.“Withthenewmedicineshe’staking,shesleepsallthetime.”
“That’sgood,”Laurelsaid.“Andwhataboutyou?Whyareyougettingalldressedup?”
Isatdownonthecouchandputmysockson.“I’vegotseniorbanquettonight,”Itoldher.
Laurelhandedmemyshirtandpants.“Whattimedoesitstart?”
Iglancedatthegrandfatherclockinthefoyer.“Tenminutesago,”Isaid,steppingintomypants.
“You’dbettergetgoing.”
“Thanksforironingmyclothes,”Isaid.
IwasgrabbingmykeyswhenIheardmymomcallmynamefromherbedroom.Iturnedtowardherdoorway,andLaurelsaid,“Justgotoyourbanquet,Jere.I’vegotitcovered.”
Ihesitated.“Areyousure?”
“Athousandpercent.Beatit.”
IspedallthewaytoMara’shouse.ShecameoutassoonasIpulledintoherdriveway.ShewaswearingthatreddressIlikedandshelookednice,andIwasabouttotellherso,butthenshesaid,“You’relate.”
Ishutmymouth.Maradidn’tspeaktomefortherestofthenight,notevenwhenwewonCutestCouple.Shedidn’tfeellikegoingtoPatan’spartyafterwardandneitherdidI.Thewholetimewewereout,Iwasthinkingaboutmymomandfeelingguiltyforbeinggonesolong.
WhenwegottoMara’shouse,shedidn’tgetoutrightaway,whichwashersignalthatshewantedtotalk.Ishutofftheengine.
“So,what’sup?Areyoustillmadatmeforbeinglate,Mar?”
Shelookedpained.“Ijustwanttoknowifwe’regoingtostaytogether.Canyoujusttellmewhatyouwanttodo,andthenwe’lldoit?”
“Honestly,Ican’treallythinkaboutthiskindofstuffrightnow.”
“Iknow.I’msorry.”
“ButifIwasgoingtohavetosaywhetherornotIthinkwe’llbetogetherwhenwe’reatschoolinthefall,longdistance—”Ihesitated,andthenIjustsaidit.“Iwouldprobablysayno.”
Marastartedcrying,andIfeltlikearealpieceofshit.Ishould’vejustlied.
“That’swhatIthought,”shesaid.Thenshekissedmeonthecheekandranoutofthecarandintoherhouse.
Sothat’showwebrokeup.IfI’mgoingtobecompletelyhonest,I’lladmitthatitwasareliefnottohavetothinkaboutMaraanymore.TheonlypersonIhadroominmyheadforwasmymom.
WhenIgothome,mymomandLaurelwerestillupplayingcardsandlisteningtomusic.Forthefirsttimeindays,Iheardmymomlaugh.
Laureldidn’tleavethenextday.Shestayedallweek.Atthetime,Ididn’twonderaboutherjob,oralltheotherstuffshehadgoingonathome.Iwasjustgratefultohaveanadultaround.chapterthirty-eight
Thethreeofuswalkedbacktothehouse.ThesunwashotonmybackandIthoughtabouthowniceitwouldbetolayoutonthebeachforawhile,tosleeptheafternoonawayandwakeuptan.Buttherewasn’tanytimeforthat,notwhenweneededtogetConradreadyforhismidtermsbytomorrow.
Whenwegotinside,ConradfellontothecouchandJeremiahsprawledoutonthefloor.“Sotired,”hemoaned.
Whatmymotherdidforus,forme,wasagift.Nowitwasmyturntogiveoneback.“Getup,”Isaid.
Neitherofthemmoved.Conrad’seyeswereclosed.SoIthrewapillowatConradandjabbedJeremiahinthestomachwithmyfoot.“Wehavetostartstudying,youlazybums.Nowgetup!”
Conradopenedhiseyes.“I’mtootiredtostudy.Ineedtotakeapowernapfirst.”
“Metoo,”Jeremiahsaid.
Crossingmyarms,Iglaredatthemandsaid,“I’mtiredtoo,youknow.Butlookattheclock;it’salreadyone.We’regonnahavetoworkallnightandleavereallyearlytomorrowmorning.”
Shrugging,Conradsaid,“Iworkbestunderpressure.”
“But—”
“Seriously,Belly.Ican’tworklikethis.Justletmesleepforanhour.”
Jeremiahwasalreadyfallingasleep.Isighed.Icouldn’tfightthebothofthem.“Fine.Onehour.Butthat’sit.”
IstalkedintothekitchenandpouredmyselfaCoke.Iwastemptedtotakeanaptoo,butthatwouldbesettingthewrongexample.
Whiletheyslept,Ikickedtheplanintogear.IgotConrad’sbooksoutofthecar,broughthislaptopdownstairs,andsetupthekitchenlikeastudyroom.Ipluggedinlamps,stackedbooksandbindersaccordingtosubject,putoutpensandpaper.Last,Ibrewedabigpotofcoffee,andeventhoughIdidn’tdrinkcoffee,Iknewminewasgood,becauseIbrewedapotformymothereverymorning.ThenItookJeremiah’scaranddrovetoMcDonald’stopickupcheeseburgers.TheylovedMcDonald’scheeseburgers.Theyusedtohavecheeseburger-eatingcontestsandthey’dstackthemuplikepancakes.Sometimestheyletmeplaytoo.Onetime,Iwon.Iateninecheeseburgers.
Iletthemsleepanextrahalfhour—butonlybecauseittookmethatlongtogetthingssetup.ThenIfilledupSusannah’sspraybottle,theoneshe’dusedtowaterhermoredelicateplants.IsprayedConradfirst,rightintheeyes.
“Hey,”hesaid,wakinguprightaway.HewipedhisfacewiththebottomofhisT-shirt,andIgavehimanothersprayjustbecause.
“Riseandshine,”Isang.
ThenIwalkedovertoJeremiahandsprayedhim,too.Hedidn’twakeupthough.Hehadalwaysbeenimpossibletowakeup.Hecouldsleepthroughatidalwave.Isprayedandsprayedandwhenhejustrolledover,IunscrewedthetopofthebottleandpouredthewaterrightdownthebackofhisT-shirt.
Hefinallywokeupandstretchedhisarmsout,stilllyingdownonthefloor.Hegavemeaslowgrin,likehewasusedtobeingwokenupthisway.“Morning,”hesaid.Jeremiahmighthavebeenhardtowakeup,buthewasneveragrouchwhenhefinallydid.
“It’snotmorning.It’salmostthreeo’clockintheafternoon.Iletyouguyssleepanextrahalfanhoursoyoubetterbegrateful,”Isnapped.
“Iam,”Jeremiahsaid,reachinghisarmoutformetohelphimup.Igrudginglygavehimmyhandandhelpedhefthimup.“Comeon,”Isaid.
Theyfollowedmeintothekitchen.
“Whatthe—,”Conradsaid,lookingaroundtheroomatallhisthings.
Jeremiahclappedhishandstogetherandthenheheldonehandupforahighfive,whichIgavehim.“You’reamazing,”hesaid.ThenhesniffedandspottedthegreasywhiteMcDonald’sbagandlitup.“Yes!MickeyD’scheeseburgers!I’dknowthatsmellanywhere.”
Ismackedhishandaway.“Notyet.Thereisarewardsysteminplacehere.Conradstudies,andthenhegetsfood.”
Jeremiahfrowned.“Whataboutme?”
“Conradstudies,andyougetfood.”
Conradraisedhiseyebrowsatme.“Arewardsystem,huh?WhatelsedoIget?”
Iflushed.“Justthecheeseburgers.”
Hiseyesflickeredovermeappraisingly,likehewastryingtodecidewhetherornothewantedtobuyacoat.Icouldfeelmycheeksheatupashelookedatme.“AsmuchasIlikethesoundofarewardsystem,I’mgonnapass,”hesaidatlast.
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Jeremiahasked.
Conradshrugged.“Istudybetteronmyown.I’vegotitcovered.Youguyscango.”
Jeremiahshookhisheadindisgust.“Justlikealways.Youcan’thandleaskingforhelp.Well,suckstobeyou,’causewe’restaying.”
“Whatdoyouguysknowaboutfreshmanpsych?”Conradsaid,crossinghisarms.
Jeremiahsprangup.“We’llfigureitout.”Hewinkedatme.“Bells,canweeatfirst?Ineedgrease.”
IfeltlikeIhadwonaprize.LikeIwasinvincible.Reachingintothebag,Isaid,“Oneeach.That’sit.”
WhenConrad’sbackwasturned,ashewasrummagingaroundthecupboardforTabascosauce,Jeremiahheldhishandoutforanotherhighfive.Islappeditsilentlyandwegrinnedateachother.JeremiahandIwereagoodteam,alwayshadbeen.
Weateourcheeseburgersinsilence.Assoonasweweredone,Isaid,“Howdoyouwanttodothis,Conrad?”
“SeeingashowIdon’twanttodothisatall,I’llletyoudecide,”hesaid.Hehadmustardonhislowerlip.
“Okay,then.”Iwaspreparedforthis.“You’llread.I’llworkonnotecardsforpsych.Jeremiahwillhighlight.”
“Jeredoesn’tknowhowtohighlight,”Conradscoffed.
“Hey!”Jeremiahsaid.Then,turningtome,hesaid,“He’sright.Isuckathighlighting.Ijustenduphighlightingthewholepage.I’lldonotecardsandyouhighlight,Bells.”
IrippedopenapackofindexcardsandhandedthemtoJeremiah.Incrediblyenough,Conradlistened.Hepickedhispsychtextbookoutofthestackofbooksandhestartedtoread.
Sittingatthetable,studyingwithhisforeheadcreased,helookedliketheoldConrad.Theonewhocaredaboutthingslikeexamsandironedshirtsandbeingontime.TheironyofallthiswasthatJeremiahhadneverbeenmuchofastudent.Hehatedtostudy;hehatedgrades.Learningwas,hadalwaysbeen,Conrad’sthing.Fromtheverystart,hewastheonewiththechemistryset,thinkingupexperimentsforustodoashisscientist’sassistants.Irememberedwhenhe’ddiscoveredtheword“absurd,”andhewentaroundsayingitallthetime.“That’sabsurd,”he’dsay.Or“numbskull,”hisfavoriteinsult—hesaidthatalottoo.Thesummerhewasten,hetriedtoworkhiswaythroughtheEncyclopediaBritannica.Whenwecamebackthenextsummer,hewasatQ
Irealizeditsuddenly.Imissedhim.Allthistime.Whenyougottotheunderneathofit,thereitwas.Thereithadalwaysbeen.Andeventhoughhewassittingthereonlyfeetaway,Imissedhimmorethanever.
UnderneathmylashesIwatchedhim,andIthought,Comeback.BetheyouIloveandremember.chapterthirty-nine
WeweredonewithpsychologyandConradwasworkingonhisEnglishpaperwithhisheadphonesonwhenmyphonebuzzed.ItwasTaylor.Iwasn’tsureifshewascallingtoapologizeortodemandIbringherstuffbackhomeimmediately.Maybeamixtureofboth.Iturnedoffmyphone.
Withallthehousedrama,Ihadn’tthoughtaboutourfightonce.I’donlybeenbackatthesummerhouseforacoupleofdays,andjustlikealways,I’dalreadyforgottenaboutTaylorandeverythingbackhome.Whatmatteredtomewashere.Ithadalwaysbeenthatway.
Butthosethingsshe’dsaid,theyhurt.Maybetheyweretrue.ButIdidn’tknowifIcouldforgiveherforsayingthem.
ItwasgettingdarkoutwhenJeremiahleanedoverandsaidinalowvoice,“Youknow,ifyouwantedto,youcouldleavetonight.Youcouldjusttakemycar.Icouldpickituptomorrow,afterConrad’sdonewithhisexams.Wecouldhangoutorsomething.”
“Oh,I’mnotleavingyet.Iwanttogowithyouguystomorrow.”
“Areyousure?”
“Sure,I’msure.Don’tyouwantmetocomewithyou?”Itwasstartingtohurtmyfeelings,thewayhewasactingliketheywereimposingonme,asifweweren’tfamily.
“Yeah,courseIdo.”Hepausedlikehewasgoingtosaysomethingelse.
Ipokedhimwithmyhighlighter.“Areyouscaredthatyou’llgetintroublewithMara?”Iwasonlyhalfwayteasing.Istillcouldn’tbelievehehadn’ttoldmehehadasortofgirlfriend.Iwasn’tentirelysurewhyitmattered,butitdid.Weweresupposedtobeclose.Oratleastweusedtobe.Ishouldhaveknownifhehadagirlfriendornot.Andhowlonghadtheybeen“brokenup”anyway?Shehadn’tbeenatthefuneral,oratleastIdidn’tthinkso.Itwasn’tlikeJeremiahhadgonearoundintroducinghertopeople.Whatkindofgirlfrienddidn’tgotoherboyfriend’smom’sfuneral?EvenConrad’sexhadcome.
JeremiahglancedoveratConradandloweredhisvoice.“Itoldyou,MaraandIaredone.”
WhenIdidn’tsayanything,hesaid,“Comeon,Belly.Don’tbemad.”
“Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttellmeabouther,”Isaid,highlightinganentireparagraph.Ididn’tlookathim.“Ican’tbelieveyoukeptitasecret.”
“Therewasn’tanythingtotell,Iswear.”
“Ha!”Isaid.ButIfeltbetter.IsnuckapeekatJeremiah,andhelookedbackatmewithanxiouseyes.
“Okay?”
“Fine.Itdoesn’taffectmeonewayortheother.Ijustthoughtyouwouldhavetoldmeathinglikethat.”
Herelaxedbackintohisseat.“Weweren’tthatserious,trustme.Shewasjustagirl.Itwasn’tlikehowitwaswithConradand—”
Istarted,andhebrokeoffguiltily.
Itwasn’tlikehowitwaswithConradandAubrey.He’dlovedher.Onceuponatime,he’dbeencrazyabouther.Hehadneverbeenthatwaywithme.Never.ButIhadlovedhim.IlovedhimlongerandtruerthanIhadanyoneinmywholelifeandIwouldprobablyneverloveanyonethatwayagain.Which,tobehonest,wasalmostarelief.chapterforty
JULY6
WhenIwokeupthenextmorning,thefirstthingIdidwasgotomywindow.WhoknewhowmanymoretimesIwouldseethisview?Wewereallgrowingup.Iwouldbeatcollegesoon.Butthegoodthing,thecomfortingthing,wastheknowingthatitwouldstillbehere.Thehousewasn’tgoingaway.
Lookingoutthewindow,itwasimpossibletoseewheretheskyendedandtheoceanbegan.I’dforgottenhowfoggythemorningscouldgethere.Istoodthereandtriedtogetmyfill,triedtomakethememorylast.
ThenIranovertoJeremiah’sandConrad’srooms,bangingondoors.“Wakeup!Let’sgetthisshowontheroad!”Iyelled,startingdownthehall.
Iheadeddownstairstogetaglassofjuice,andConradwassittingatthekitchentable,wherehe’dbeenwhenIwenttosleeparoundfoura.m.Hewasalreadydressedandmakingnotesinanotebook.
Istartedtobackoutofthekitchen,buthelookedup.“Nicepjs,”hesaid
Iflushed.IwasstillwearingTaylor’sstupidpajamas.Scowling,Isaid,“We’releavingintwentyminutes,sobeready.”
AsIheadedbackupstairs,IheardConradsay,“Ialreadyam.”
Ifhesaidhewasready,hewasready.Hewouldpassthoseexams.He’dprobablyacethem.Conraddidn’tfailatanythinghesethismindto.
Anhourlater,wewerealmostonourway.IwaslockingtheglassslidingdoorontheporchwhenIheardConradsay,“Shouldwe?”
Iturnedaround,startedtosay,“Shouldwewhat?”whenJeremiahcameoutofnowhere.
“Yeah.Foroldtimes’sake,”Jeremiahsaid.
Uh-oh.“Noway,”Isaid.“Nofreakingway.”
ThenextthingIknew,JeremiahwasgrabbingmylegsandConradtookmyarms,andtogethertheyswungmeback,thenforth.Jeremiahyelled,“BellyFlop!”andtheyflungmethroughtheair,andasIlandedinthepool,Ithought,Well,there,they’refinallyunitedonsomething
WhenIsurfaced,Iyelled,“Jerks!”Itonlymadethemlaughharder.
Ihadtogobackinsideandchangeoutofmysoakedclothes,theclothesIworethefirstday.IchangedintoTaylor’ssundressandherplatformsandals.AsIwrungoutmyhairwithahandtowel,itwashardtobemad.Ievensmiledtomyself.PossiblythelastBellyFlopofmylife,andStevenwasn’ttheretopartake.
ItwasJeremiah’sideatotakeonecar,soConradcouldkeepstudyingontheway.Conraddidn’teventrytotakethefrontseat,hejustwentstraighttothebackandstartedflippingthroughhisnotecards.
Predictably,Icriedaswedroveaway.IwasjustgladIwasupfrontandwearingsunglassessotheboyscouldn’tteasemeaboutit.ButIlovedthathouse,andIhatedtosaygood-bye.Because,itwasmorethanjustahouse.Itwaseverysummer,everyboatride,everysunset.ItwasSusannah.
Wedroveinnearsilenceforawhile,andthenBritneySpearscameontheradio,andIturneditup,loud.ItwentwithoutsayingthatConradhatedBritneySpears,butIdidn’tcare.Istartedtosingalong,andJeremiahdidtoo.
“Ohbabybaby,Ishouldn’thaveletyougo,”Isang,shimmyingtowardthedashboard.
“Showmehowyouwantittobe,”Jeremiahsangback,bouncinghisshoulders
Whenthesongchanged,itwasJustinTimberlake,andJeremiahdidanamazingJustinTimberlake.Hewassoun-self-consciousandeasywithwhohewas.Hemademewanttobelikethattoo.
Hesangtome,“Andtellmehowtheygotthatprettylittlefaceonthatprettylittleframe,girl.”Iputmyhandonmyheartandfake-swoonedforhim,likeagroupie.
“Fastfastslow,whicheverwayyouwannarun,girl.”
Ibackedhimupatthechorus.“Thisjustcan’tbesummerlove…”
Fromthebackseat,Conradgrowled,“Canyouguyspleaseturnthemusicdown?I’mtryingtostudyhere,remember?”
Iturnedaroundandsaid,“Oh,sorry.Isitbotheringyou?”
Helookedatmewithnarrowedeyes.
Withoutsayingaword,Jeremiahturnedthemusicdown.Wedroveforanotherhourorsoandthenhesaid,“Doyouneedtopeeoranything?I’mgonnastopatthenextexitforgas.”
Ishookmyhead.“No,butIamthirsty.”
Wepulledintothegasstationparkinglot,andwhileJeremiahfilledthecarupandConradnapped,Iranintotheconveniencestore.IgotJeremiahandmebothSlurpees,halfCokeandhalfcherry,acombinationIhadperfectedovertheyears.
WhenIgotbacktothecar,IclimbedinandhandedJeremiahhisSlurpee.Hiswholefacelitup.“Aw,thanks,Bells.Whatflavordidyougetme?”
“Drinkitandsee.”
Hetookalongsipandnoddedappreciatively.“HalfCoke,halfcherry,yourspecialty.Nice.”
“Hey,rememberthattime—,”Istartedtosay.
“Yup,”hesaid.“Mydadstilldoesn’twantanyonetouchinghisblender.”
Iputmyfeetuponthedashboardandleanedback,sippingonmySlurpee.Ithoughttomyself,HappinessisaSlurpeeandahotpinkstraw
Fromtheback,Conradsaid,irritably,“Where’smine?”
“Ithoughtyouwerestillasleep,”Isaid.“AndyouhavetodrinkaSlurpeerightawayorit’llmelt,so…Ididn’tseethepoint.”
Conradglaredatme.“Well,atleastletmehaveasip.”
“ButyouhateSlurpees.”Whichwastrue.Conraddidn’tlikesugarydrinks,heneverhad.
“Idon’tcare.I’mthirsty.”
Ihandedhimmycupandturnedaroundandwatchedhimdrink.Iwasexpectinghimtomakeafaceorsomething,buthejustdrankandhandeditback.Andthenhesaid,“Ithoughtyourspecialtywascocoa.”
Istaredathim.Didhereallyjustsaythat?Didheremember?Thewayhelookedbackatme,oneeyebrowraised,Iknewhedid.Andthistime,Iwastheonetolookaway.
BecauseIremembered.Irememberedeverything.chapterforty-one
WhenConradlefttotakehisexam,JeremiahandIboughtturkeyandavocadosandwichesonwholewheatbreadandweatethemoutonthelawn.Ifinishedminefirst;Iwasreallyhungry.
Whenhewasdone,Jeremiahballedupthefoilinhishandandthrewitintothetrashcan.Hesatbackdownnexttomeinthegrass.Outofnowhere,hesaidtome,“Whydidn’tyoucomeseemeaftermymomdied?”
Istuttered,“Id-d-did,Icametothefuneral.”
Jeremiah’sgazeonmewassteady,unblinking.“That’snotwhatImean.”
“I—Ididn’tthinkyou’dwantmethereyet.”
“No,itwasbecauseyoudidn’twanttobethere.Iwantedyouthere.”
Hewasright.Ididn’twanttobethere.Ididn’twanttobeanywherenearherhouse.Thinkingabouthermademyhearthurt;itwastoomuch.ButthethoughtofJeremiahwaitingformetocallhim,needingsomeonetotalkto,thathurtsobad.“You’reright,”Itoldhim.“Ishould’vecome.”
JeremiahhadbeenthereforConrad,forSusannah.Forme.Andwhohadbeenthereforhim?Nobody.IwantedhimtoknowIwasherenow.
Helookedupatthesky.“It’shard,youknow?BecauseIwanttotalkabouther.ButConraddoesn’twantto,andIcan’ttalktomydad,andyouweren’tthereeither.Weallloveher,andnobodycantalkabouther.”
“Whatdoyouwanttosay?”
Heleanedhisheadback,thinking.“ThatImissher.Ireallymissher.She’sonlybeengonefortwomonths,butitfeelslikelonger.Anditalsofeelslikeitjusthappened,likeyesterday.”
Inodded.Thatwasexactlyhowitfelt.
“Doyouthinkshe’dbeglad?”
HemeantgladaboutConrad,thewaywe’dhelpedhim.“Yeah.”
“Metoo.”Jeremiahhesitated.“Sowhatnow?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Imean,areyougoingtocomebackthissummer?”
“Well,sure.Whenmymomcomes,I’llcometoo.”
Henodded.“Good.Becausemydadwaswrong,youknow.It’syourhousetoo.AndLaure’s,andSteve’s.It’sallofours.”
SuddenlyIwasstruckwiththestrangestsensation,ofwanting,needing,toreachoutandtouchhischeekwiththebackofmyhand.Sohewouldknow,sohewouldfeelexactlyhowmuchthosewordsmeanttome.Becausesometimeswordsweresopitifullyinadequate,andIknewthat,butIhadtotryanyway.Itoldhim,“Thankyou.Thatmeans—alot.”
Heshrugged.“It’sjustthetruth.”
Wesawhimcomingfromfaraway,walkingfast.Westoodupandwaitedforhim
Jeremiahsaid,“Doesitlooklikegoodnewstoyou?Itlookslikegoodnewstome.”
Itdidtome,too.
Conradstrodeuptous,hiseyesgleaming.“Ikilledit,”hesaidtriumphantly.FirsttimeI’dseenhimsmile,reallysmile—joyful,carefree—sinceSusannahdied.HeandJeremiahhigh-fivedsohardtheclaprangoutintheair.AndthenConradsmiledatme,andwhirledmearoundsofastIalmosttripped.
Iwaslaughing.“See?See?Itoldyou!”
ConradpickedmeupandthrewmeoverhisshoulderlikeIweighednothing,justlikehehadtheothernight.Ilaughedasheran,weavingleftandrightlikehewasonafootballfield.“Putmedown!”Ishrieked,yankingatthebottomofmydress.
Hedid.Hesetmedownonthegroundgently.“Thanks,”hesaid,hishandstillonmywaist.“Forcoming.”
BeforeIcouldtellhimyou’rewelcome,Jeremiahwalkedoverandsaid,“Youstillhaveoneleft,Con.”Hisvoicewasstrained,andIstraightenedmydress
Conradlookedathiswatch.“You’reright.I’mgonnaheadovertothepsychologydepartment.Thiswillbeaquickone.I’llmeetupwithyouguysinanhourorso.”
AsIwatchedhimgo,amillionquestionsranthroughmyhead.Ifeltdizzy,andnotjustfrombeingspunaroundintheair.
Abruptly,Jeremiahsaid,“I’mgonnagofindabathroom.I’llmeetyouatthecar.”Hefishedhiskeysoutofhispocketandthrewthemtome.
“Doyouwantmetowait?”Iasked,buthewasalreadywalkingaway.
Hedidn’tturnaround.“No,justgoahead.”
Insteadofgoingstraighttothecar,Istoppedatthestudentstore.IboughtasodaandahoodiethatsaidBROWNinblockletters.Eventhoughitwasn’tcold,Iputiton.
JeremiahandIsatinthecar,listeningtotheradio.Itwasstartingtogetdark.ThewindowsweredownandIcouldhearabirdcallingsomewhereoutthere.Conradwouldbedonewithhislastexamsoon.
“Nicehoodie,bytheway,”Jeremiahsaid.
“Thanks.IalwayswantedonefromBrown.”
Jeremiahnodded.“Iremember.”
Ifingeredmynecklace,twistingitaroundmypinky.“Iwonder…”Iletmysentencetrailoff,waitingforJeremiahtoprodme,toaskmewhatitwasIwonderedabout.Buthedidn’t.Hedidn’taskmeanything
Hewassilent.
Sighing,Ilookedoutthewindowandasked,“Doesheevertalkaboutme?Imean,hasheeversaidanything?”
“Don’t,”hesnapped.
“Don’twhat?”Iturnedtowardhim,confused.
“Don’taskmethat.Don’taskmeabouthim.”Jeremiahspokeinaharsh,lowvoice,atonehe’dneverusedwithmeandoneIdidn’trecallhimusingwithanybody.Amuscleinhisjawtwitchedfuriously.
Irecoiledandsankbackintomyseat.Ifeltasthoughhehadslappedme.“What’sthematterwithyou?”
Hestartedtosaysomething,maybeanapologyandmaybenot,andthenhestopped,heleanedoverandpulledmetowardhim—likebygravitationalforce.Hekissedme,hard,andhisskinwasstubblyandroughagainstmycheek.Myfirstthoughtwas,Iguesshedidn’thavetimetoshavethismorning,andthen—Iwaskissinghimback,myfingerswindingthroughhissoftyellowhairandmyeyesclosed.HekissedlikehewasdrowningandIwasair.Itwaspassionate,anddesperate,andlikenothingIhadeverexperiencedbefore.
Thiswaswhatpeoplemeantwhentheysaidtheearthstoppedturning.Itfeltlikeaworldoutsideofthatcar,thatmoment,didn’texist.Itwasjustus.
Whenhebackedaway,hispupilswerehugeandunfocused.Heblinked,andthenheclearedhisthroat.“Belly,”hesaid,andhisvoicewasfoggy.Hedidn’tsayanythingelse,justmyname.
“Doyoustill—”Care.Thinkaboutme.Wantme.
Roughly,hesaid,“Yes.Yes,Istill.”
Andthenwewerekissingagain.
Hemusthavemadesomenoise,becausewebothlookedupatthesametime.
Wesprangapart.TherewasConrad,lookingrightatus.Hehadstoppedshortofthecar.Hisfacewaswhite.
Hesaid,“No,don’tstop.I’mtheonewho’sinterrupting.”
Heturnedjerkilyandstartedoff.JeremiahandIstaredateachotherinsilenthorror.AndthenmyhandwasonthedoorhandleandIwasonmyfeet.Ididn’tlookback.
Iranafterhimandcalledhisname,butConraddidn’tturnaround.Igrabbedhisarmandhefinallylookedatme,andtherewassomuchhateinhiseyesIwinced.Eventhough,onsomelevel,wasn’tthiswhatIwanted?Tomakehishearthurtthewayhemademine?Ormaybe,tomakehimfeelsomethingformeotherthanpityorindifference.Tomakehimfeelsomething,anything.
“SoyoulikeJeremiahnow?”Hemeanttosoundsarcastic,cruel,andhedid,buthealsosoundedpained.Likehecaredabouttheanswer.
Whichmademefeelglad.Andsad.
Isaid,“Idon’tknow.DoesitmattertoyouifIdo?”
Hestaredatme,andthenheleanedforwardandtouchedthenecklacearoundmyneck.TheoneI’dbeenhidingundermyshirtallday.
“IfyoulikeJeremiah,whyareyouwearingmynecklace?”
Iwetmylips.“Ifounditwhenwewerepackingupyourdormroom.Itdoesn’tmeananything.”
“Youknowwhatitmeans.”
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’t.”ButofcourseIdid.Irememberedwhenhe’dexplainedtheconceptofinfinitytome.Immeasurable,onemomentstretchingouttothenext.Heboughtmethatnecklace.Heknewwhatitmeant.
“Thengiveitback.”Heheldhishandout,andIsawthatitwasshaking.
“No,”Isaid.
“It’snotyours.Inevergaveittoyou.Youjusttookit.”
That’swhenIfinallygotit.Ifinallyunderstood.Itwasn’tthethoughtthatcounted.Itwastheactualexecutionthatmattered,theshowingupforsomebody.Theintentbehinditwasn’tenough.Notforme.Notanymore.Itwasn’tenoughtoknowthatdeepdown,helovedme.Youhadtoactuallysayittosomebody,showthemthatyoucared.Andhejustdidn’t.Notenough.
Icouldfeelhimwaitingformetoargue,toprotest,toplead.ButIdidn’tdoanyofthosethings.Istruggledforwhatfeltlikeeternity,tryingtoundotheclasponthenecklacearoundmyneck.Whichwasnosurprise,consideringthefactthatmyhandswereshakingtoo.IfinallygotthechainfreeandIhandeditbacktohim.
Surpriseregistereduponhisfaceforthetiniestofmoments,andthen,likealways,hewasclosedoffagain.MaybeI’dimaginedit.Thathe’dcared.
Hestuffedthenecklaceintohispocket.“Thenleave,”hesaid.
WhenIdidn’tmove,hesaid,sharply,“Go!”
Iwasatree,rootedtothespot.Myfeetwerefrozen.
“GotoJeremiah.He’stheonewhowantsyou,”Conradsaid.“Idon’t.Ineverdid.”
AndthenIwasstumbling,runningaway.chapterforty-two
Ididn’tgobacktothecarrightaway.AllIhadinfrontofmewereimpossiblechoices.HowcouldIfaceJeremiahafterwhatjusthappened?Afterwekissed,afterIwentrunningafterConrad?Mymindwasspinninginamilliondifferentdirections.Ikepttouchingmylips.ThenI’dtouchmycollarbone,wherethenecklaceusedtobe.Iwanderedaroundcampus,butafterawhile,Iheadedbacktothecar.WhatchoicedidIhave?Icouldn’tjustleavewithouttellinganybody.Anditwasn’tlikeIhadanotherwayhome.
IguessedConradwasthinkingthesamething,becausewhenIgotbacktothecar,hewasalreadythere,sittinginthebackseatwiththewindowopen.Jeremiahwassittingonthehoodofthecar.“Hi,”hesaid.
“Hey.”Ihesitated,unsureofwhatwasnext.Foronce,ourESPconnectionfailedme,becauseIhadnoideawhathewasthinking.Hisfacewasunreadable.
Heslidoffthecar.“Readytogohome?”
Inodded,andhethrewmethekeys.“Youdrive,”hesaid.
Inthecar,Conradignoredmecompletely.Ididn’texisttohimanymore,anddespiteeverythingI’dsaid,thatmademewanttodie.Inevershouldhavecome.Noneofuswerespeakingtooneanother.I’dlostthemboth.
WhatwouldSusannahsayifshesawthemesswewereinnow?Shewouldhavebeensodisappointedinme.Ihadn’tbeenahelpatall.I’donlymadethingsworse.
Justwhenwethoughteverythingwasgoingtobeokay,weallfellapart.
I’dbeendrivingforwhatfeltlikeforeverwhenitstartedtorain.Itstartedoutwithfatlittleplopsandthenitcamedownheavy,inhardsheets.
“Canyousee?”Jeremiahaskedme.
“Yeah,”Ilied.Icouldbarelyseetwofeetinfrontofme.Thewindshieldwiperswereswishingbackandforthfuriously.
Traffichadbeencrawlingalong,andthenitslowedalmosttoastop.Therewerepolicelightswayupahead.
“Theremusthavebeenanaccident,”Jeremiahsaid.
We’dbeensittingintrafficforoveranhourwhenitstartedtohail.
IlookedatConradintherearview,buthisfacewasimpassive.Hemightaswellhavebeensomewhereelse.“Shouldwepullover?”
“Yeah.Getoffatthenextexitandseeifwecanfindagasstation,”Jeremiahsaid,glancingattheclock.Itwastenthirty.
Theraindidn’tletup.Wesatinthegasstationparkinglotforwhatfeltlikeforever.Therainwasloud,butweweresoquietthatwhenmystomachgrowled,Iwasprettysuretheybothheard.Icoughedtocoverupthenoise.
Jeremiahjumpedoutofthecarandraninsidethegasstation.Whenheranback,hishairwasdrippingwetandmatted.Hetossedmeapacketofpeanutbutterandcheesecrackerswithoutlookingatme.“There’samotelafewmilesdown,”hesaid,wipinghisforeheadwiththebackofhisarm.
“Let’sjustwaititout,”Conradsaid.Itwasthefirsttimehe’dspokensincewe’dleft.
“Dude,thehighway’sprettymuchshutdown.There’snopoint.Isaywejustcrashforafewhoursandleaveinthemorning.”
Conraddidn’tsayanything.
Ididn’tsayanythingbecauseIwastoobusyeatingthecrackers.Theywerebrightorangeandsaltyandgritty,andIstuffedthemintomymouth,oneaftertheother.Ididn’tevenofferonetoeitherofthem.
“Belly,whatdoyouwanttodo?”Jeremiahsaiditverypolitely,likeIwashiscousinfromoutoftown.Likehismouthhadn’tbeenonminejusthoursbefore.
Iswallowedmylastcracker.“Idon’tcare.Dowhateveryouwant.”
Bythetimewegottothemotel,itwasmidnight.
Iwenttothebathroomtocallmymother.Itoldherwhathadhappenedandrightawayshesaid,“I’mcomingtogetyou.”
EverypartofmewantedtosayYes,please,comerightthissecond,butshesoundedsotired,andshe’dalreadydonesomuch.SoinsteadIsaid,“No,it’sfine,Mom.”
“It’sallright,Belly.It’snotthatfar.”
“It’sokay,really.We’llleaveearlytomorrowmorning.”
Sheyawned.“Isthemotelinasafearea?”
“Yes.”EventhoughIdidn’tknowexactlywherewewereorifitconstitutedasafearea.Butitseemedsafeenough.
“Justgotosleepandgetupfirstthing.Callmewhenyou’reontheroad.”
AfterwegotoffthephoneIleanedagainstthewallforaminute.HowdidIenduphere?
IchangedintoTaylor’spajamasandputmynewhoodieonoverthem.
Itookmytimebrushingmyteethandtakingoutmycontactlenses.Ididn’tcarethattheboysmightbewaitingtousethebathroom.Ijustwantedtimealone,awayfromthem.WhenIcamebackout,JeremiahandConradwereonthefloor,onoppositesidesofthebed.Theyeachhadapillowandablanket.“Youguysshouldtakethebed,”Isaid,eventhoughIonlypartlymeantit.“There’stwoofyou.I’llsleeponthefloor.”
Conradwasbusyignoringme,butJeremiahsaid,“Nah,youtakeit.You’rethegirl.”
Underordinarycircumstances,Iwouldhavearguedwithhimjustfortheprincipleofit—whatdidmybeingagirlhavetodowithwhetherornotIsleptonthefloor?Iwasagirl,notaninvalid.ButIdidn’targue.Iwastootired.AndIdidwantthebed.
Icrawledontothebedandgotunderthecovers.Jeremiahsetthealarmonhisphoneandshutoffthelights.NobodysaidgoodnightorsuggestedweseeiftherewasanythinggoodonTV.
ItriedtofallasleepbutIcouldn’t.Itriedtorememberthelasttimethethreeofushadsleptinthesameroom.Icouldn’tatfirst,butthenIdid.
We’dpitchedatentonthebeachandI’dbeggedandbeggedtobeincludedandfinallymymothermadethemletmecome.MeandStevenandJeremiahandConrad.WeplayedUnoforhoursandStevenhigh-fivedmewhenIwontwiceinarow.SuddenlyImissedmybigbrothersomuchIwantedtocry.PartofmethoughtthatifStevenhadbeenthere,thingswouldn’thavegottenthisawful.Maybenoneofthiswouldhavehappened,becauseIwouldstillbechasingaftertheboysinsteadofbeinginthemiddle.
Butnoweverythinghadchangedandwecouldnevergobacktothewaythingsusedtobe.
IwaslyinginbedthinkingaboutallofthiswhenIheardJeremiahsnoring,whichreallyannoyedme.He’dalwaysbeenabletofallasleepatwill,assoonashisheadhitthepillow.Iguessedhewasn’tlosinganysleepoverwhathadhappened.IguessedIshouldn’teither.Iflippedoveronmyotherside,facingawayfromJeremiah.
AndthenIheardConradsay,quietly,“Earlier,whenIsaidIneverwantedyou.Ididn’tmeanit.”
Mybreathcaught.Ididn’tknowwhattosayorifIwasevensupposedtosayanything.AllIknewwas,thiswaswhatI’dbeenwaitingfor.Thisexactmoment.Exactlythis.
Iopenedmymouthtospeak,andthenhesaiditagain.“Ididn’tmeanit.”
Iheldmybreath,waitingtohearwhathe’dsaynext.
Allhesaidwas,“Goodnight,Belly.”
Afterthat,ofcourseIcouldn’tsleep.Myheadwastoofullofthingstothinkabout.Whatdidhemean?Thathewantedtobe,like,together?Meandhim,forreal?ItwaswhatI’dwantedmywholelife,butthentherewasJeremiah’sfaceinthecar,openandwantingandneedingme.Inthatmoment,I’dwantedandneededhim,too,morethanIhadeverknown.Haditalwaysbeenthere?Butaftertonight,Ididn’tevenknowifhewantedmeanymore.Maybeitwastoolate.
ThentherewasConrad.Ididn’tmeanit.Iclosedmyeyesandheardhimsaythosewordsagainandagain.Hisvoice,travelingacrossthedark,ithauntedmeanditthrilledme.
SoIlaytherebarelybreathing,goingovereveryword.Theboyswereasleepandeverypartofmewasfullyawakeandalive.Itwaslikeareallyamazingdream,andIwasafraidtofallasleepbecausewhenIwokeup,itwouldbegone.chapterforty-three
JULY7
IwokeupbeforeJeremiah’salarmwentoff.Itookashower,brushedmyteeth,putonthesameclothesasthedaybefore.
WhenIcameout,JeremiahwasonthephoneandConradwasfoldinguphisblanket.Iwaitedforhimtolookatme.Ifhewouldjustlookatme,smile,saysomething,Iwouldknowwhattodo.
ButConraddidn’tlookup.Heputtheblanketsbackintheclosetandthenheputonhissneakers.Heundidthelacesandpulledthemtighter.Ikeptwaiting,buthewouldn’tlookatme.
“Hey,”Isaid.
Hefinallyraisedhishead.“Hey,”hesaid.“Afriendofmineiscomingtogetme.”
“Why?”Iasked.
“It’seasierthisway.He’lltakemebacktoCousinssoIcangetmycar,andJcantakeyouhome.”
“Oh,”Isaid.Iwassosurprised,ittookamomentforthedisappointment,theutterdisbelief,toregister.
Westoodthere,lookingateachother,sayingnothing.Butitwasthekindofnothingthatmeanteverything.Inhiseyes,therewasnotraceofwhathadhappenedbetweenusearlier,andIcouldfeelsomethinginsidemebreak.
Sothatwasthat.Wewerefinally,finallyover.
Ilookedathim,andIfeltsosad,becausethisthoughtoccurredtome:Iwillneverlookatyouinthesamewayeveragain.I’llneverbethatgirlagain.Thegirlwhocomesrunningbackeverytimeyoupushheraway,thegirlwholovesyouanyway
Icouldn’tevenbemadathim,becausethiswaswhohewas.Thiswaswhohe’dalwaysbeen.He’dneverliedaboutthat.Hegaveandthenhetookaway.Ifeltitinthepitofmystomach,thefamiliarache,thatlost,regretfulfeelingonlyhecouldgiveme.Ineverwantedtofeelitagain.Never,ever.
MaybethiswaswhyIcame,soIcouldreallyknow.SoIcouldsaygood-bye.
Ilookedathim,andIthought,IfIwasverybraveorveryhonest,Iwouldtellhim.Iwouldsayit,sohewouldknowitandIwouldknowit,andIcouldnevertakeitback.ButIwasn’tthatbraveorhonest,soallIdidwaslookathim.AndIthinkheknewanyway.
Ireleaseyou.Ievictyoufrommyheart.BecauseifIdon’tdoitnow,Ineverwill
Iwastheonetolookawayfirst.
JeremiahhungupthephoneandaskedConrad,“IsDanonhiswaytocomegetyou?”
“Yeah.I’mjustgonnahangouthereandwaitforhim.”
Jeremiahlookedatmethen.“Whatdoyouwanttodo?”
“Iwanttogowithyou,”Isaid.IpickedupmybagandTaylor’sshoes.
Hestoodupandtookmybagoffmyshoulder.“Thenlet’sgo.”ToConrad,hesaid,“Seeyouathome.”
Iwonderedwhichhomehemeant,thesummerhouseortheirhouse-house.ButIguesseditdidn’treallymatter.
“Bye,Conrad,”Isaid.IwalkedoutthedoorwithTaylor’sshoesinmyhandandIdidn’tbothertoputthemoneither.Ididn’tlookback.Andrightthere,Ifeltit,theglow,thesatisfactionofbeingtheonewholeftfirst.
Aswewalkedthroughtheparkinglot,Jeremiahsaid,“Maybeyoushouldputyourshoeson.Youmightcutyourfeetonsomething.”
Ishrugged.“They’reTaylor’sshoes,”Isaid,asifthatmadesense.Iadded,“They’retoosmall.”
Heasked,“Doyouwanttodrive?”
IthoughtitoverandthenIsaid,“No,that’sokay.Youdrive.”
“Butyoulovetodrivemycar,”hesaid,comingaroundtothepassengersideandopeningmydoorfirst.
“Iknow.ButtodayIjustfeellikeridingshotgun.”
“Doyouwanttogetbreakfastfirst?”
“No,”Isaid.“Ijustwanttogohome.”
Soonwewereontheroad.Iopenedmywindowallthewaydown.Istuckmyheadoutandletmyhairflyeverywhere,justbecause.Stevenoncetoldmethatbugsandthingsgetcaughtupingirls’hairwhentheyridewithithangingoutthewindow.ButIdidn’tcare.Ilikedthewayitfelt.Itfeltfree.
Jeremiahlookedoveratmeandsaid,“Youremindmeofourolddog,Boogie.Heusedtoloveridingaroundwithhisheadoutthewindow.”
Hewasstillusinghispolitevoice.Distant.
Isaid,“Youhaven’tsaidanything.Aboutbefore.”Iglancedoverathim.Icouldhearmyheartthuddinginmyears.
“What’slefttosay?”
“Idon’tknow.Alot,”Isaid.
“Belly—,”hestarted.Thenhestoppedandletoutabreath,shakinghishead.
“What?Whatwereyougoingtosay?”
“Nothing,”hesaid.
ThenIreachedacross,andItookhishandandlacedmyfingersaroundhis.ItfeltlikethemostrightthingI’ddoneinalongtime.
Iworriedhe’dletgo,buthedidn’t.Weheldhandslikethatthewholerestofthewayhome.acoupleofyearslater
WhenIusedtopictureforever,itwasalwayswiththesameboy.Inmydreams,myfuturewasset.Asurething.
Thiswasn’tthewayIpicturedit.Me,inawhitedressinthepouringrain,runningforthecar.Him,runningaheadofmeandopeningthepassengerdoor.
“Areyousure?”heasksme.
“No,”Isay,gettingin.
Thefutureisunclear.Butit’sstillmine.MorefromthisSeries
We’llAlwaysHaveSummer
TheSummerITurned…
MorefromtheAuthor
AlwaysandForever,Lara…
P.S.IStillLoveYou
AshestoAshes
ToAlltheBoysI’ve…Keepreadingforapreviewof
We’llAlwaysHaveSummer
by
JennyHanOnWednesdaynightswhenIwaslittle,mymomandIwouldwatcholdmusicals.Itwasourthing.SometimesmydadorStevenwouldwanderinandwatchforabit,butitwasprettymuchalwaysmymotherandmeonthecouchwithablanketandabowlofsweetandsaltypopcorn,everyWednesday.WewatchedTheMusicMan,WestSideStory,MeetMeinSt.Louis,allofwhichIliked,Singin’intheRain,whichIreallyliked.ButIlovednoneofthemthewayIlovedByeByeBirdie.Ofallthemusicals,ByeByeBirdiewasmynumberonefavorite.Iwatcheditagainandagain,asmanytimesasmymothercouldstand.JustlikeKimMacAfeebeforeme,Iwantedtowearmascaraandlipstickandheelsandhavethat“happygrown-upfemalefeeling,”Iwantedtohearboyswhistleandknowitwasforme.IwantedtogrowupandbejustlikeKim,becauseshegottohaveallofthosethings.
Andafter,whenitwasbedtime,Iwouldsing,“Weloveyou,Conrad,ohyeswedo.Weloveyou,Conrad,andwe’llbetrue”intothebathroommirrorwithamouthfuloftoothpaste.Iwouldsingmyeight-nine-ten-year-oldheartout.ButIwasn’tsingingtoConradBirdie.IwassingingtomyConrad.ConradBeckFisher,theboyofmypreteendreams.
I’veonlyeverlovedtwoboys—bothofthemwiththelastnameFisher.Conradwasfirst,andIlovedhiminawaythatyoucanreallyonlydothefirsttimearound.It’sthekindoflovethatdoesn’tknowbetteranddoesn’twantto—it’sdizzyandfoolishandfierce.Thatkindofloveisreallyaone-time-onlything.
AndthentherewasJeremiah.WhenIlookedatJeremiah,Isawpast,present,andfuture.Hedidn’tjustknowthegirlIusedtobe.Heknewtheright-nowme,andhelovedmeanyway.
Mytwogreatloves.IthinkIalwaysknewIwouldbeBellyFisheroneday.Ijustdidn’tknowitwasgoingtohappenlikethis.chapterone
Whenit’sfinalsweekandyou’vebeenstudyingforfivehoursstraight,youneedthreethingstogetyouthroughthenight.ThebiggestSlurpeeyoucanfind,halfcherry,halfCoke.Pajamapants,thekindthathavebeenwashedsomanytimes,theyaretissue-paperthin.Andfinally,dancebreaks.Lotsofdancebreaks.Whenyoureyesstarttocloseandallyouwantisyourbed,dancebreakswillgetyouthrough.
Itwasfourinthemorning,andIwasstudyingforthelastfinalofmyfreshmanyearatFinchUniversity.Iwascampedoutinmydormlibrarywithmynewbestfriend,AnikaJohnson,andmyoldbestfriend,TaylorJewel.Summervacationwassoclose,Icouldalmosttasteit.Justfivemoredays.I’dbeencountingdownsinceApril.
“Quizme,”Taylorcommanded,hervoicescratchy.
Iopenedmynotebooktoarandompage.“Defineanimaversusanimus.”
Taylorchewedonherlowerlip.“Givemeahint.”
“Umm…thinkLatin,”Isaid.
“Ididn’ttakeLatin!IstheregoingtobeLatinonthisexam?”
“No,Iwasjusttryingtogiveyouahint.BecauseinLatinboys’namesendin-usandgirls’namesendin-a,andanimaisfemininearchetypeandanimusismasculinearchetype.Getit?”
Sheletoutabigsigh.“No.I’mprobablygoingtofail.”
Lookingupfromhernotebook,Anikasaid,“Maybeifyoustoppedtextingandstartedstudying,youwouldn’t.”
Taylorglaredather.“I’mhelpingmybigsisterplanourend-of-yearbreakfast,soIhavetobeoncalltonight.”
“Oncall?”Anikalookedamused.“Likeadoctor?”
“Yes,justlikeadoctor,”Taylorsnapped.
“So,willitbepancakesorwaffles?”
“Frenchtoast,thankyouverymuch.”
Thethreeofuswerealltakingthesamefreshmanpsychclass,andTaylor’sandmyexamwastomorrow,Anika’swasthedayafter.AnikawasmyclosestfriendatschoolbesidesTaylor.SeeingashowTaylorwascompetitivebynature,itwasafriendshipthatshewasmorethanalittlejealousof,notthatshe’deverinamillionyearsadmitit.
MyfriendshipwithAnikawasdifferentfrommyfriendshipwithTaylor.Anikawaslaid-backandeasytobewith.Shewasn’tquicktojudge.Morethanallthat,though,shegavemethespacetobedifferent.Shehadn’tknownmemywholelife,soshehadnoexpectationsorpreconceptions.Therewasfreedominthat.Andshewasn’tlikeanyofmyfriendsbackhome.ShewasfromNewYork,andherfatherwasajazzmusicianandhermotherwasawriter.
Acoupleofhourslater,thesunwasrisingandcastingtheroominabluishlight,andTaylor’sheadwasdown,whileAnikawasstaringoffintospacelikeazombie.
Irolleduptwopaperballsinmylapandthrewthematmytwofriends.“Dancebreak,”IsangoutasIpressedplayonmycomputer.Ididalittleshimmyinmychair.
Anikaglaredatme.“Whyareyousochipper?”
“Because,”Isaid,clappingmyhandstogether,“injustafewhours,itwillallbeover.”Myexamwasn’tuntiloneintheafternoon,somyplanwastogobacktomyroomandsleepforacoupleofhours,thenwakeupwithtimetospareandstudysomemore.
Ioverslept,butIstillmanagedtogetanotherhourofstudyingin.Ididn’thavetimetogotothedininghallforbreakfast,soIjustdrankaCherryCokefromthevendingmachine.
Thetestwasashardaswehadexpected,butIwasprettysureIwouldgetatleastaB.Taylorwasprettysureshehadn’tfailed,whichwasgood.Bothofusweretootiredtocelebrateafter,sowejusthigh-fivedandwentourseparateways.
Iheadedbacktomydormroom,readytopassoutuntilatleastdinnertime,andwhenIopenedthedoor,therewasJeremiah,asleepinmybed.Helookedlikealittleboywhenheslept,evenwiththestubble.Hewasstretchedoutontopofmycomforter,hisfeethangingovertheedgeofthebed,mystuffedpolarbearhuggedtohischest.
Itookoffmyshoesandcrawledintomytwin,extra-longbednexttohim.Hestirred,openedhiseyes,andsaid,“Hi.”
“Hi,”Isaid.
“How’ditgo?”
“Prettygood.”
“Good.”HeletgoofJuniorMintandhuggedmetohim.“Ibroughtyoutheotherhalfofmysubfromlunch.”
“You’resweet,”Isaid,burrowingmyheadinhisshoulder.
Hekissedmyhair.“Ican’thavemygirlskippingmealsleftandright.”
“Itwasjustbreakfast,”Isaid.Asanafterthought,Iadded,“Andlunch.”
“Doyouwantmysubnow?It’sinmybookbag.”
NowthatIthoughtaboutit,Iwashungry,butIwasalsosleepy.“Maybealittlelater,”Isaid,closingmyeyes.
Thenhefellbacktosleep,andIfellasleeptoo.WhenIwokeup,itwasdarkout,JuniorMintwasonthefloor,andJeremiah’sarmswerearoundme.Hewasstillasleep.
WehadstarteddatingrightbeforeIbegansenioryearofhighschool.“Dating”didn’tfeelliketherightwordforit.Wewerejusttogether.Itallhappenedsoeasilyandsoquicklythatitfeltlikeithadalwaysbeenthatway.Oneminutewewerefriends,thenwewerekissing,andthenthenextthingIknew,Iwasapplyingtothesamecollegeashim.Itoldmyselfandeveryoneelse(includinghim,includingmymotherespecially)thatitwasagoodschool,thatitwasonlyafewhoursfromhomeanditmadesensetoapplythere,thatIwaskeepingmyoptionsopen.Allofthosethingsweretrue.ButtruestofallwasthatIjustwantedtobenearhim.Iwantedhimforallseasons,notjustsummer.
Nowherewewere,lyingnexttoeachotherinmydorm-roombed.Hewasasophomore,andIwasfinishingupmyfreshmanyear.Itwascrazyhowfarwehadcome.We’dknowneachotherourwholelives,andinsomeways,itfeltlikeabigsurprise—inotherwaysitfeltinevitable.ContinueReading…
We’llAlwaysHaveSummer
JennyHanKeepreadingforapreviewof
ToAlltheBoysI’veLovedBefore
by
JennyHanIliketosavethings.Notimportantthingslikewhalesorpeopleortheenvironment.Sillythings.Porcelainbells,thekindyougetatsouvenirshops.Cookiecuttersyou’llneveruse,becausewhoneedsacookieintheshapeofafoot?Ribbonsformyhair.Loveletters.OfallthethingsIsave,Iguessyoucouldsaymylovelettersaremymostprizedpossession.
Ikeepmylettersinatealhatboxmymomboughtmefromavintagestoredowntown.Theyaren’tlovelettersthatsomeoneelsewroteforme;Idon’thaveanyofthose.TheseareonesI’vewritten.There’soneforeveryboyI’veeverloved—fiveinall.
WhenIwrite,Iholdnothingback.Iwritelikehe’llneverreadit.Becauseheneverwill.Everysecretthought,everycarefulobservation,everythingI’vesavedupinsideme,Iputitallintheletter.WhenI’mdone,Isealit,Iaddressit,andthenIputitinmytealhatbox.
They’renotlovelettersinthestrictestsenseoftheword.MylettersareforwhenIdon’twanttobeinloveanymore.They’reforgood-bye.BecauseafterIwritemyletter,I’mnolongerconsumedbymyall-consuminglove.IcaneatmycerealandnotwonderifhelikesbananasoverhisCheeriostoo;Icansingalongtolovesongsandnotbesingingthemtohim.Ifloveislikeapossession,maybemylettersarelikemyexorcisms.Myletterssetmefree.Oratleastthey’resupposedto.1
JOSHISMARGOT’SBOYFRIEND,BUTIGUESSyoucouldsaymywholefamilyisalittleinlovewithhim.It’shardtosaywhomostofall.BeforehewasMargot’sboyfriend,hewasjustJosh.Hewasalwaysthere.Isayalways,butIguessthat’snottrue.Hemovednextdoorfiveyearsagobutitfeelslikealways.
MydadlovesJoshbecausehe’saboyandmydadissurroundedbygirls.Imeanit:alldaylongheissurroundedbyfemales.Mydadisanob-gyn,andhealsohappenstobethefatherofthreedaughters,soit’slikegirls,girls,girlsallday.HealsolikesJoshbecauseJoshlikescomicsandhe’llgofishingwithhim.Mydadtriedtotakeusfishingonce,andIcriedwhenmyshoesgotmudonthem,andMargotcriedwhenherbookgotwet,andKittycriedbecauseKittywasstillpracticallyababy.
KittylovesJoshbecausehe’llplaycardswithherandnotgetbored.Oratleastpretendtonotgetbored.Theymakedealswitheachother—ifIwinthisnexthand,youhavetomakemeatoastedcrunchy-peanut-butter-sandwich,nocrusts.That’sKitty.Inevitablytherewon’tbecrunchypeanutbutterandJoshwillsaytoobad,picksomethingelse.ButthenKittywillwearhimdownandhe’llrunoutandbuysome,becausethat’sJosh.
IfIhadtosaywhyMargotloveshim,IthinkmaybeIwouldsayit’sbecausewealldo.
Weareinthelivingroom,Kittyispastingpicturesofdogstoagiantpieceofcardboard.There’spaperandscrapsallaroundher.Hummingtoherself,shesays,“WhenDaddyasksmewhatIwantforChristmas,Iamjustgoingtosay,‘Pickanyoneofthesebreedsandwe’llbegood.’”
MargotandJoshareonthecouch;I’mlyingonthefloor,watchingTV.Joshpoppedabigbowlofpopcorn,andIdevotemyselftoit,handfulsandhandfulsofit.
Acommercialcomesonforperfume:agirlisrunningaroundthestreetsofParisinanorchid-coloredhalterdressthatisthinastissuepaper.WhatIwouldn’tgivetobethatgirlinthattissue-paperdressrunningaroundParisinspringtime!IsitupsosuddenlyIchokeonakernelofpopcorn.BetweencoughsIsay,“Margot,let’smeetinParisformyspringbreak!”I’malreadypicturingmyselftwirlingwithapistachiomacaroninonehandandaraspberryoneintheother.
Margot’seyeslightup.“DoyouthinkDaddywillletyou?”
“Sure,it’sculture.He’llhavetoletme.”Butit’struethatI’veneverflownbymyselfbefore.AndalsoI’veneverevenleftthecountrybefore.WouldMargotmeetmeattheairport,orwouldIhavetofindmyownwaytothehostel?
Joshmustseethesuddenworryonmyfacebecausehesays,“Don’tworry.YourdadwilldefinitelyletyougoifI’mwithyou.”
Ibrighten.“Yeah!Wecanstayathostelsandjusteatpastriesandcheeseforallourmeals.”
“WecangotoJimMorrison’sgrave!”Joshthrowsin.
“Wecangotoaparfumerieandgetourpersonalscentsdone!”Icheer,andJoshsnorts.
“Um,I’mprettysure‘gettingourscentsdone’ataparfumeriewouldcostthesameasaweek’sstayatthehostel,”hesays.HenudgesMargot.“Yoursistersuffersfromdelusionsofgrandeur.”
“Sheisthefanciestofthethreeofus,”Margotagrees.
“Whataboutme?”Kittywhimpers.
“You?”Iscoff.“You’retheleastfancySonggirl.Ihavetobegyoutowashyourfeetatnight,muchlesstakeashower.”
Kitty’sfacegetspinchedandred.“Iwasn’ttalkingaboutthat,youdodobird.IwastalkingaboutParis.”
Airily,Iwaveheroff.“You’retoolittletostayatahostel.”
ShecrawlsovertoMargotandclimbsinherlap,eventhoughshe’snineandnineistoobigtositinpeople’slaps.“Margot,you’llletmego,won’tyou?”
“Maybeitcouldbeafamilyvacation,”Margotsays,kissinghercheek.“YouandLaraJeanandDaddycouldallcome.”
Ifrown.That’snotatalltheParistripIwasimagining.OverKitty’sheadJoshmouthstome,We’lltalklater,andIgivehimadiscreetthumbs-up.
***
It’slaterthatnight;Joshislonggone.Kittyandourdadareasleep.Weareinthekitchen.Margotisatthetableonhercomputer;Iamsittingnexttoher,rollingcookiedoughintoballsanddroppingthemincinnamonandsugar.Snicker-doodlestogetbackinKitty’sgoodgraces.Earlier,whenIwentintosaygoodnight,Kittyrolledoverandwouldn’tspeaktomebecauseshe’sstillconvincedI’mgoingtotrytocutheroutoftheParistrip.Myplanistoputthesnickerdoodlesonaplaterightnexttoherpillowsoshewakesuptothesmelloffresh-bakedcookies.
Margot’sbeingextraquiet,andthen,outofnowhere,shelooksupfromhercomputerandsays,“IbrokeupwithJoshtonight.Afterdinner.”
Mycookie-doughballfallsoutofmyfingersandintothesugarbowl.
“Imean,itwastime,”shesays.Hereyesaren’tred-rimmed;shehasn’tbeencrying,Idon’tthink.Hervoiceiscalmandeven.Anyonelookingatherwouldthinkshewasfine.BecauseMargotisalwaysfine,evenwhenshe’snot.
“Idon’tseewhyyouhadtobreakup,”Isay.“Just’causeyou’regoingtocollegedoesn’tmeanyouhavetobreakup.”
“LaraJean,I’mgoingtoScotland,notUVA.SaintAndrewsisnearlyfourthousandmilesaway.”Shepushesupherglasses.“Whatwouldbethepoint?”
Ican’tevenbelieveshewouldsaythat.“Thepointis,it’sJosh.Joshwholovesyoumorethananyboyhaseverlovedagirl!”
Margotrollshereyesatthis.ShethinksI’mbeingdramatic,butI’mnot.It’strue—that’showmuchJoshlovesMargot.Hewouldneversomuchaslookatanothergirl.
Suddenlyshesays,“DoyouknowwhatMommytoldmeonce?”
“What?”ForamomentIforgetallaboutJosh.BecausenomatterwhatIamdoinginlife,ifMargotandIareinthemiddleofanargument,ifIamabouttogethitbyacar,IwillalwaysstopandlistentoastoryaboutMommy.Anydetail,anyremembrancethatMargothas,Iwanttohaveittoo.I’mbetteroffthanKitty,though.Kittydoesn’thaveonememoryofMommythatwehaven’tgivenher.We’vetoldhersomanystoriessomanytimesthatthey’rehersnow.“Rememberthattime…,”she’llsay.Andthenshe’lltellthestorylikeshewasthereandnotjustalittlebaby.
“Shetoldmetotrynottogotocollegewithaboyfriend.Shesaidshedidn’twantmetobethegirlcryingonthephonewithherboyfriendandsayingnotothingsinsteadofyes.”
ScotlandisMargot’syes,Iguess.Absently,Iscoopupamoundofcookiedoughandpopitinmymouth.
“Youshouldn’teatrawcookiedough,”Margotsays.
Iignoreher.“Joshwouldneverholdyoubackfromanything.He’snotlikethat.Rememberhowwhenyoudecidedtorunforstudent-bodypresident,hewasyourcampaignmanager?He’syourbiggestfan!”
Atthis,thecornersofMargot’smouthturndown,andIgetupandflingmyarmsaroundherneck.Sheleansherheadbackandsmilesupatme.“I’mokay,”shesays,butsheisn’t,Iknowsheisn’t.
“It’snottoolate,youknow.Youcangooverthererightnowandtellhimyouchangedyourmind.”
Margotshakesherhead.“It’sdone,LaraJean.”Ireleaseherandsheclosesherlaptop.“Whenwillthefirstbatchbeready?I’mhungry.”
Ilookatthemagneticeggtimeronthefridge.“Fourmoreminutes.”Isitbackdownandsay,“Idon’tcarewhatyousay,Margot.Youguysaren’tdone.Youlovehimtoomuch.”
Sheshakesherhead.“LaraJean,”shebegins,inherpatientMargotvoice,likeIamachildandsheisawiseoldwomanofforty-two.
IwaveaspoonfulofcookiedoughunderMargot’snose,andshehesitatesandthenopenshermouth.Ifeedittoherlikeababy.“Waitandsee,youandJoshwillbebacktogetherinaday,maybetwo.”ButevenasI’msayingit,Iknowit’snottrue.Margot’snotthekindofgirltobreakupandgetbacktogetheronawhim;onceshe’sdecidedsomething,that’sit.There’snowaffling,noregrets.It’slikeshesaid:whenshe’sdone,she’sjustdone.
Iwish(andthisisathoughtI’vehadmany,manytimes,toomanytimestocount)IwasmorelikeMargot.BecausesometimesitfeelslikeI’llneverbedone.
Later,afterI’vewashedthedishesandplatedthecookiesandsetthemonKitty’spillow,Igotomyroom.Idon’tturnthelighton.Igotomywindow.Josh’slightisstillon.2
THENEXTMORNING,MARGOTISMAKINGcoffeeandIampouringcerealinbowls,andIsaythethingI’vebeenthinkingallmorning.“Justsoyouknow,DaddyandKittyaregoingtobereallyupset.”WhenKittyandIwerebrushingourteethjustnow,Iwastemptedtogoaheadandspillthebeans,butKittywasstillmadatmefromyesterday,soIkeptquiet.Shedidn’tevenacknowledgemycookies,thoughIknowsheatethembecauseallthatwasleftontheplatewerecrumbs.
Margotletsoutaheavysigh.“SoI’msupposedtostaywithJoshbecauseofyouandDaddyandKitty?”
“No,I’mjusttellingyou.”
“It’snotlikehewouldcomeoverherethatmuchonceIwasgone,anyway.”
Ifrown.Thisdidn’toccurtome,thatJoshwouldstopcomingoverbecauseMargotwasgone.Hewascomingoverlongbeforetheywereeveracouple,soIdon’tseewhyheshouldstop.“Hemight,”Isay.“HereallylovesKitty.”
Shepushesthestartbuttononthecoffeemachine.I’mwatchinghersupercarefullybecauseMargot’salwaysbeentheonetomakethecoffeeandIneverhave,andnowthatshe’sleaving(onlysixmoredays),I’dbetterknowhow.Withherbacktomeshesays,“MaybeIwon’tevenmentionittothem.”
“Um,Ithinkthey’llfigureitoutwhenhe’snotattheairport,Gogo.”GogoismynicknameforMargot.Asingo-goboots.“Howmanycupsofwaterdidyouputinthere?Andhowmanyspoonsofcoffeebeans?”
“I’llwriteitalldownforyou,”Margotassuresme.“Inthenotebook.”
Wekeepahousenotebookbythefridge.Margot’sidea,ofcourse.IthasalltheimportantnumbersandDaddy’sscheduleandKitty’scarpool.“Makesureyouputinthenumberforthenewdrycleaners,”Isay.
“Alreadydone.”Margotslicesabananaforhercereal:eachsliceisperfectlythin.“Andalso,Joshwouldn’thavecometotheairportwithusanyway.YouknowhowIfeelaboutsadgood-byes.”Margotmakesaface,likeUgh,emotions
Idoknow.
***
WhenMargotdecidedtogotocollegeinScotland,itfeltlikeabetrayal.EventhoughIknewitwascoming,becauseofcourseshewasgoingtogotocollegesomewherefaraway.AndofcourseshewasgoingtogotocollegeinScotlandandstudyanthropology,becausesheisMargot,thegirlwiththemapsandthetravelbooksandtheplans.Ofcourseshewouldleaveusoneday.
I’mstillmadather,justalittle.Justateeny-tinybit.ObviouslyIknowit’snotherfault.Butshe’sgoingsofaraway,andwealwayssaidwe’dbetheSonggirlsforever.Margotfirst,meinthemiddle,andmysisterKittylast.OnherbirthcertificatesheisKatherine;toussheisKitty.OccasionallywecallherKitten,becausethat’swhatIcalledherwhenshewasborn:shelookedlikeascrawny,hairlesskitten.
WearethethreeSonggirls.Thereusedtobefour.Mymom,EveSong.Evietomydad,Mommytous,Evetoeveryoneelse.Songis,was,mymom’slastname.OurlastnameisCovey—Coveylikelovey,notlikecove.ButthereasonwearetheSonggirlsandnottheCoveygirlsismymomusedtosaythatshewasaSonggirlforlife,andMargotsaidthenweshouldbetoo.WeallhaveSongforourmiddlename,andwelookmoreSongthanCoveyanyway,moreKoreanthanwhite.AtleastMargotandIdo;KittylooksmostlikeDaddy:herhairislightbrownlikehis.PeoplesayIlookthemostlikeMommy,butIthinkMargotdoes,withherhighcheekbonesanddarkeyes.It’sbeenalmostsixyearsnow,andsometimesitfeelslikejustyesterdayshewashere,andsometimesitfeelslikesheneverwas,onlyindreams.
She’dmoppedthefloorsthatmorning;theywereshinyandeverythingsmelledlikelemonsandcleanhouse.Thephonewasringinginthekitchen,shecamerunningintoanswerit,andsheslipped.Shehitherheadonthefloor,andshewasunconscious,butthenshewokeupandshewasfine.Thatwasherlucidinterval.That’swhattheycallit.Alittlewhilelatershesaidshehadaheadache,shewenttoliedownonthecouch,andthenshedidn’twakeup.
Margotwastheonewhofoundher.Shewastwelve.Shetookcareofeverything:shecalled911;shecalledDaddy;shetoldmetowatchoverKitty,whowasonlythree.IturnedontheTVforKittyintheplayroomandIsatwithher.That’sallIdid.Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifMargothadn’tbeenthere.EventhoughMargotisonlytwoyearsolderthanme,Ilookuptohermorethananybody.
Whenotheradultsfindoutthatmydadisasinglefatherofthreegirls,theyshaketheirheadsinadmiration,likeHowdoeshedoit?Howdoesheevermanagethatallbyhimself?TheanswerisMargot.She’sbeenanorganizerfromthestart,everythinglabeledandscheduledandarrangedinneat,evenrows.
Margotisagoodgirl,andIguessKittyandIhavefollowedherlead.I’venevercheatedorgottendrunkorsmokedacigaretteorevenhadaboyfriend.WeteaseDaddyandsayhowluckyheisthatwe’reallsogood,butthetruthis,we’retheluckyones.He’sareallygooddad.Andhetrieshard.Hedoesn’talwaysunderstandus,buthetries,andthat’stheimportantthing.WethreeSonggirlshaveanunspokenpact:tomakelifeaseasyaspossibleforDaddy.Butthenagain,maybeit’snotsounspoken,becausehowmanytimeshaveIheardMargotsay,“Shh,bequiet,Daddy’stakinganapbeforehehastogobacktothehospital,”or“Don’tbotherDaddywiththat;doityourself”?
I’veaskedMargotwhatshethinksitwouldhavebeenlikeifMommyhadn’tdied.LikewouldwespendmoretimewithourKoreansideofthefamilyandnotjustonThanksgivingandNewYear’sDay?Or—
Margotdoesn’tseethepointinwondering.Thisisourlife;there’snouseinaskingwhatif.Noonecouldevergiveyoutheanswers.Itry,Ireallydo,butit’shardformetoacceptthiswayofthinking.I’malwayswonderingaboutthewhat-ifs,abouttheroadnottaken.
***
DaddyandKittycomedownstairsatthesametime.MargotpoursDaddyacupofcoffee,black,andIpourmilkinKitty’scerealbowl.Ipushitinfrontofher,andsheturnsherheadawayfrommeandgetsayogurtoutofthefridge.ShetakesitintothelivingroomtoeatinfrontoftheTV.Soshe’sstillmad.
“I’mgoingtogotoCostcolatertoday,soyougirlsmakealistforwhateveryouneed,”Daddyasks,takingabigsipofcoffee.“IthinkI’llpickupsomeNewYorkstripsfordinner.Wecangrillout.ShouldIgetoneforJosh,too?”
MyheadwhipsinMargot’sdirection.Sheopenshermouthandclosesit.Thenshesays,“No,justgetenoughforthefourofus,Daddy.”
Igiveherareprovinglook,andsheignoresme.I’veneverknownMargottochickenoutbefore,butIsupposeinmattersoftheheart,there’snopredictinghowapersonwillorwon’tbehave.3
SONOWIT’STHELASTDAYSOFSUMMERandourlastdayswithMargot.Maybeit’snotaltogethersuchabadthingthatshebrokeupwithJosh;thiswaywehavemoretimewithjustussisters.I’msureshemusthavethoughtofthat.I’msureitwaspartoftheplan.
We’redrivingoutofourneighborhoodwhenweseeJoshrunpast.Hejoinedtracklastyear,sonowhe’salwaysrunning.Kittyyellshisname,butthewindowsareup,andit’snouseanyway—hepretendsnottohear.“Turnaround,”KittyurgesMargot.“Maybehewantstocomewithus.”
“ThisisaSong-girls-onlyday,”Itellher.
WespendtherestofthemorningatTarget,pickinguplastminutethingslikeHoneyNutChexmixfortheflightanddeodorantandhairties.WeletKittypushthecartsoshecandothatthingwhereshegetsarunningstartandthenridesthecartlikeshe’spushingachariot.Margotonlyletsherdoitacoupleoftimesbeforeshemakesherstop,though,soasnottoannoyothercustomers.
Nextwegobackhomeandmakechickensaladwithgreengrapesforlunchandthenit’snearlytimeforKitty’sswimmeet.Wepackapicnicdinnerofham-and-cheesesandwichesandfruitsaladandbringMargot’slaptoptowatchmovieson,becauseswimmeetscangolongintothenight.Wemakeasign,too,thatsaysGoKittyGo!Idrawadogonit.Daddyendsupmissingtheswimmeetbecauseheisdeliveringababy,andasfarasexcusesgo,it’saprettygoodone.(Itwasagirl,andtheynamedherPatriciaRoseafterhertwograndmothers.Daddyalwaysfindsoutthefirstandmiddlenameforme.It’sthefirstthingIaskwhenhegetshomefromadelivery.)
Kitty’ssoexcitedaboutwinningtwofirst-placeribbonsandonesecondplacethatsheforgetstoaskwhereJoshisuntilwe’reinthecardrivingbackhome.She’sinthebackseatandshe’sgothertowelwrappedaroundherheadlikeaturbanandherribbonsdanglingfromherearslikeearrings.Sheleansforwardandsays,“Hey!Whydidn’tJoshcometomymeet?”
IcanseeMargothesitate,soIanswerbeforeshecan.MaybetheonlythingI’mbetteratthanMargotislying.“Hehadtoworkatthebookstoretonight.Hereallywantedtomakeit,though.”Margotreachesacrosstheconsoleandgivesmyhandagratefulsqueeze.
Stickingoutherlowerlip,Kittysays,“Thatwasthelastregularmeet!Hepromisedhe’dcomewatchmeswim.”
“Itwasalast-minutething,”Isay.“Hecouldn’tgetoutofworkingtheshiftbecauseoneofhiscoworkershadanemergency.”
Kittynodsbegrudgingly.Littleassheis,sheunderstandsemergencyshifts.
“Let’sgetfrozencustards,”Margotsayssuddenly.
Kittylightsup,andJoshandhisimaginaryemergencyshiftisforgotten.“Yeah!Iwantawafflecone!CanIgetawaffleconewithtwoscoops?Iwantmintchipandpeanutbrittle.No,rainbowsherbetanddoublefudge.No,wait—”
Itwistaroundinmyseat.“Youcan’tfinishtwoscoopsandawafflecone,”Itellher.“Maybeyoucouldfinishtwoscoopsinacup,butnotinacone.”
“Yes,Ican.TonightIcan.I’mstarving.”
“Fine,butyoubetterfinishthewholething.”Ishakemyfingeratherandsayitlikeathreat,whichmakesherrollhereyesandgiggle.Asforme,I’llgetwhatIalwaysget—thecherrychocolate-chunkcustardinasugarcone.
Margotpullsintothedrive-thru,andaswewaitourturn,Isay,“Ibettheydon’thavefrozencustardinScotland.”
“Probablynot,”shesays.
“Youwon’thaveanotheroneoftheseuntilThanksgiving,”Isay.
Margotlooksstraightahead.“Christmas,”shesays,correctingme.“Thanksgiving’stooshorttoflyallthatway,remember?”
“Thanksgiving’sgonnasuck.”Kittypouts.
I’msilent.We’veneverhadaThanksgivingwithoutMargot.Shealwaysdoestheturkeyandthebroccolicasseroleandthecreamedonions.Idothepies(pumpkinandpecan)andthemashedpotatoes.Kittyisthetastetesterandthetablesetter.Idon’tknowhowtoroastaturkey.Andbothofourgrandmotherswillbethere,andNana,Daddy’smother,likesMargotbestofallofus.ShesaysKittydrainsherandI’mtoodreamy-eyed.
AllofasuddenIfeelpanickyandit’shardtobreatheandIcouldn’tcarelessaboutcherrychocolate-chunkcustard.Ican’tpictureThanksgivingwithoutMargot.Ican’tevenpicturenextMondaywithouther.Iknowmostsistersdon’tgetalong,butI’mclosertoMargotthanIamtoanybodyintheworld.HowcanwebetheSonggirlswithoutMargot?4
MYOLDESTFRIENDCHRISSMOKES,SHEhooksupwithboysshedoesn’tknowhardlyatall,andshe’sbeensuspendedtwice.Onetimeshehadtogobeforethecourtfortruancy.IneverknewwhattruancywasbeforeImetChris.FYI,it’swhenyouskipsomuchschoolyou’reintroublewiththelaw.
I’mprettysurethatifChrisandImeteachothernow,wewouldn’tbefriends.We’reasdifferentasdifferentcanbe.Butitwasn’talwaysthisway.InsixthgradeChrislikedstationeryandsleepoversandstayingupallnightwatchingJohnHughesmovies,justlikeme.Butbyeighthgradeshewassneakingoutaftermydadfellasleeptomeetboysshemetatthemall.They’ddropherbackoffbeforeitgotlightoutside.I’dstayupuntilshecameback,terrifiedshewouldn’tmakeithomebeforemydadwokeup.Shealwaysmadeitbackintimethough.
Chrisisn’tthekindoffriendyoucalleverynightorhavelunchwitheveryday.Sheislikeastreetcat,shecomesandgoesasshepleases.Shecan’tbetieddowntoaplaceoraperson.SometimesIwon’tseeChrisfordaysandtheninthemiddleofthenighttherewillbeaknockatmybedroomwindowandit’llbeChris,crouchedinthemagnoliatree.Ikeepmywindowunlockedforherincase.ChrisandMargotcan’tstandeachother.ChristhinksMargotisuptight,andMargotthinksChrisisbipolar.ShethinksChrisusesme;ChristhinksMargotcontrolsme.Ithinkmaybethey’rebothalittlebitright.Buttheimportantthing,therealthing,isChrisandIunderstandeachother,whichIthinkcountsforalotmorethanpeoplerealize.
***
Chriscallsmeonthewayovertoourhouse;shesayshermom’sbeingabeotchandshe’scomingoverforacouplehoursanddowehaveanyfood?
ChrisandIaresharingabowlofleftovergnocchiinthelivingroomwhenMargotcomeshomefromdroppingKittyoffatherswimteam’send-of-seasonbarbecue.“Oh,hey,”shesays.ThenshespotsChris’sglassofDietCokeonthecoffeetable,sanscoaster.“Canyoupleaseuseacoaster?”
AssoonasMargot’supthestairs,Chrissays,“Gawd!Whyisyoursistersuchabeotch?”
Islideacoasterunderherglass.“Youthinkeveryone’sabeotchtoday.”
“That’sbecauseeveryoneis.”Chrisrollshereyestowardtheceiling.Loudly,shesays,“Sheneedstopullthatstickoutofherass.”
FromherroomMargotyells,“Iheardthat!”
“Imeantforyouto!”Chrisyellsback,scrapingupthelastpieceofgnocchiforherself.
Isigh.“She’sleavingsosoon.”
Snickering,Chrissays,“SoisJoshy,like,goingtolightacandleforhereverynightuntilshecomesbackhome?”
Ihesitate.WhileI’mnotsureifit’sstillsupposedtobeasecret,IamsurethatMargotwouldn’twantChrisknowinganyofherpersonalbusiness.AllIsayis,“I’mnotsure.”
“Waitaminute.Didshedumphim?”Chrisdemands.
ReluctantlyInod.“Don’tsayanythingtoher,though,”Iwarn.“She’sstillreallysadaboutit.”
“Margot?Sad?”Chrispicksathernails.“Margotdoesn’thavenormalhumanemotionsliketherestofus.”
“Youjustdon’tknowher,”Isay.“Besides,wecan’tallbelikeyou.”
Shegrinsatoothygrin.Shehassharpincisors,whichmakeherlookalwaysalittlebithungry.“True.”
Chrisispureemotion.Shescreamsatthedropofahat.Shesayssometimesyouhavetoscreamoutemotions;ifyoudon’t,they’llfester.Theotherdayshescreamedataladyatthegrocerystoreforaccidentallysteppingonhertoes.Idon’tthinkshe’sinanydangerofheremotionsfestering.
“Ijustcan’tbelievethatinafewdaysshe’llbegone,”Isay,feelingsnifflyallofasudden.
“She’snotdying,LaraJean.There’snothingtogetallboo-hooabout.”Chrispullsataloosestringonherredshorts.They’resoshortthatwhenshe’ssitting,youcanseeherunderwear.Whichareredtomatchhershorts.“Infact,Ithinkthisisgoodforyou.It’sabouttimeyoudidyourownthingandstoppedjustlisteningtowhateverQueenMargotsays.Thisisyourjunioryear,beotch.Thisiswhenit’ssupposedtogetgood.Frenchsomeguys,livealittle,youknow?”
“Iliveplenty,”Isay.
“Yeah,atthenursinghome.”ChrissnickersandIglareather.
MargotstartedvolunteeringattheBelleviewRetirementCommunitywhenshegotherdriver’slicense;itwasherjobtohelphostcocktailhourfortheresidents.I’dhelpsometimes.We’dsetoutpeanutsandpourdrinksandsometimesMargotwouldplaythepiano,butusuallyStormyhoggedthat.StormyistheBelleviewdiva.Sherulestheroost.Ilikelisteningtoherstories.AndMissMary,shemightnotbesogoodatconversationduetoherdementia,butshetaughtmehowtoknit.
Theyhaveanewvolunteertherenow,butIknowthatatBelleviewitreallyisthemorethemerrier,becausemostoftheresidentsgetsofewvisitors.Ishouldgobacksoon;Imissgoingthere.AndIforsuredon’tappreciateChrismakingfunofit.
“ThosepeopleatBelleviewhavelivedmorelifethaneveryoneweknowcombined,”Itellher.“There’sthisonelady,Stormy,shewasaUSOgirl!Sheusedtogetahundredlettersadayfromsoldierswhowereinlovewithher.Andtherewasthisoneveteranwholosthisleg—hesentheradiamondring!”
Chrislooksinterestedallofasudden.“Didshekeepit?”
“Shedid,”Iadmit.Ithinkitwaswrongofhertokeeptheringsinceshehadnointentionofmarryinghim,butsheshowedittome,anditwasbeautiful.Itwasapinkdiamond,veryrare.Ibetit’sworthsomuchmoneynow.
“IguessStormysoundskindoflikeabadass,”Chrissaysbegrudgingly.
“MaybeyoucouldcomewithmetoBelleviewsometime,”Isuggest.“Wecouldgototheircocktailhour.Mr.Perellilovestodancewithnewgirls.He’llteachyouhowtofox-trot.”
ChrismakesahorriblefacelikeIsuggestedwegohangoutatthetowndump.“No,thanks.HowaboutItakeyoudancing?”Shenudgesherchintowardupstairs.“Nowthatyoursister’sleaving,wecanhavesomerealfun.YouknowIalwayshavefun.”
It’strue,Chrisdoesalwayshavefun.Sometimesalittletoomuchfun,butfunnonetheless.5
THENIGHTBEFOREMARGOTLEAVES,ALLthreeofusareinherroomhelpingpackupthelastlittlethings.KittyisorganizingMargot’sbathstuff,packingitniceandneatintheclearshowercaddy.Margotistryingtodecidewhichcoattobring.
“ShouldIbringmypeacoatandmypuffycoatorjustmypeacoat?”sheasksme.
“Justthepeacoat,”Isay.“Youcandressthatupordown.”I’mlyingonherbeddirectingthepackingprocess.“Kitty,makesurethelotioncapisontight.”
“It’sbrand-new—courseit’sontight!”Kittygrowls,butshedouble-checks.
“ItgetscoldinScotlandsoonerthanitdoeshere,”Margotsaid,foldingthecoatandsettingitontopofhersuitcase.“IthinkI’lljustbringboth.”
“Idon’tknowwhyyouaskedifyoualreadyknewwhatyouweregoingtodo,”Isay.“Also,IthoughtyousaidyouwerecominghomeforChristmas.You’restillcominghomeforChristmas,right?”
“Yes,ifyou’llstopbeingabrat,”Margotsays.
Honestly,Margotisn’tevenpackingthatmuch.Shedoesn’tneedalot.Ifitwasme,I’dhavepackedupmywholeroom,butnotMargot.Herroomlooksthesame,almost.
Margotsitsdownnexttome,andKittyclimbsupandsitsatthefootofthebed.“Everything’schanging,”Isay,sighing.
Margotmakesafaceandputsherarmaroundme.“Nothing’schanging,notreally.We’retheSonggirlsforever,remember?”
Ourfatherstandsinthedoorway.Heknocks,eventhoughthedoorisopenandwecanclearlyseeitishim.“I’mgoingtostartpackingupthecarnow,”heannounces.Wewatchfromthebedashelugsoneofthesuitcasesdownstairs,andthenhecomesupfortheotherone.Drilyhesays,“Ohno,don’tgetup.Don’ttroubleyourselves.”
“Don’tworry,wewon’t,”wesingout.
Forthepastweekourfatherhasbeeninspring-cleaningmode,eventhoughitisn’tspring.He’sgettingridofeverything—thebreadmachineweneverused,CDs,oldblankets,ourmother’soldtypewriter.It’sallgoingtoGoodwill.ApsychiatristorsomeonecouldprobablyconnectittoMargot’sleavingforcollege,butIcan’texplaintheexactsignificanceofit.Whateveritis,it’sannoying.Ihadtoshoohimawayfrommyglass-unicorncollectiontwice.
IlaydownmyheadinMargot’slap.“SoyoureallyarecominghomeforChristmas,right?”
“Right.”
“IwishIcouldcomewithyou.”Kittypouts.“You’renicerthanLaraJean.”
Igiveherapinch.
“See?”shecrows.
“LaraJeanwillbenice,”Margotsays,“aslongasyoubehave.AndyoubothhavetotakecareofDaddy.Makesurehedoesn’tworktoomanySaturdays.Makesurehetakesthecarinforinspectionnextmonth.Andmakesureyoubuycoffeefilters—you’realwaysforgettingtobuycoffeefilters.”
“Yes,drillsergeant,”KittyandIchorus.IsearchMargot’sfaceforsadnessorfearorworry,forsomesignthatsheisscaredtogosofaraway,thatshewillmissusasmuchaswewillmissher.Idon’tseeit,though.
ThethreeofussleepinMargot’sroomthatnight.
Kittyfallsasleepfirst,asalways.Ilieinthedarkbesideherwithmyeyesopen.Ican’tsleep.ThethoughtthattomorrownightMargotwon’tbeinthisroom—itmakesmesosadIcanhardlybearit.Ihatechangemorethanalmostanything.
InthedarknexttomeMargotasks,“LaraJean…doyouthinkyou’veeverbeeninlovebefore?Reallove?”
Shecatchesmeoffguard;Idon’thaveananswerreadyforher.I’mtryingtothinkofone,butshe’salreadytalkingagain.
Wistfully,shesays,“IwishI’dbeeninlovemorethanonce.Ithinkyoushouldfallinloveatleasttwiceinhighschool.”Thensheletsoutalittlesighandfallsasleep.Margotfallsasleeplikethat—onedreamysighandshe’sofftonever-neverland,justlikethat.
***
IwakeupinthemiddleofthenightandMargot’snotthere.Kitty’scurleduponhersidenexttome,butnoMargot.It’spitchdark;onlythemoonlightfiltersthroughthecurtains.Icrawloutofbedandmovetothewindow.Mybreathcatches.Theretheyare:JoshandMargotstandinginthedriveway.Margot’sfaceisturnedawayfromhim,towardthemoon.Joshiscrying.Theyaren’ttouching.There’senoughspacebetweenthemformetoknowthatMargothasn’tchangedhermind.
Idropthecurtainandfindmywaybacktothebed,whereKittyhasrolledfartherintothecenter.IpushherbackafewinchessotherewillberoomforMargot.IwishIhadn’tseenthat.Itwastoopersonal.Tooreal.Itwassupposedtobejustforthem.Iftherewasawayformetounseeit,Iwould.
Iturnonmysideandclosemyeyes.Whatmustitbelike,tohaveaboylikeyousomuchhecriesforyou?Andnotjustanyboy.Josh.OurJosh.
Toanswerherquestion:yes,IthinkIhavebeeninreallove.Justonce,though.WithJosh.OurJosh.ContinueReading…
ToAlltheBoysI’veLovedBefore
JennyHanKeepreadingforapreviewof
BurnforBurn
by
JennyHanandSiobhanVivianKAT
Theclockonmydashboardreadsaquartertotwointhemorning.
Icheckmycellphoneonelasttimebeforechuckingitonthebackseat.Nocalls,notexts.Nothing.She’snotcoming.
WhyamIsuchanidiot?
Ishouldhavekeptthiswholerevengeideatomyself.Revengeissupposedtobeasolitarything,IthinkIheardthatsomewhere.AndIdon’tknowwhathelpIthoughtLilliacouldgiveme.Hermindcan’tgotothedarkplacesminedoes.She’swaytoopureforthat.Andevenwithwhatever’sgoingonbetweenLilliaandRennie,there’snowayLilliawouldeverbetrayherbestfriend.Actually,knowingLillia,she’sprobablyholdingupherphonesosheandRenniecanlaughatme.Igottooexcited,andnowlook.I’mgoingtobedonebeforeIevengetstarted.
I’mjustgonnagohomeandworkonmyearlydecisionapptoOberlin.That’stheonlythingthatwillgetmethroughthisyear—thethoughtoffinallyleavingthisislandforgood.
Ipullintotheferryparkinglottoturnaround.Thelightsareoff,theplaceisclearedout,exceptforonegirlsittingonthecurb.She’sgotherelbowsonherknees,herheadinherhands,andherblondhairoveroneshoulder.
Ithinkaboutjustcruisingrightpast,butsomethingmakesmedriveover.AsIgetclose,Iseethatit’sthegirlfromthebathroom.
“Bathroomgirl,”Isay,pullingtoastop.
“Myname’sMary,”shesays.She’schewingonapieceofhair.
“Iknow,”Ilie.“Iwasbeingfunny.”Ishakemyheadandstartover.“Whatthehellareyoudoingoutsolate?”
Hereyesarewideandfrantic.“Ihavetogetoutofftheisland.”
“Well,youknowit’salmosttwointhemorning,right?There’snotgoingtobeanotherferryuntiltomorrow.Youmissedthelastoneby,like,threehours.”
Marydoesn’tsayanything.Shejuststaresofftowardthepiers.Youcanhardlytellwaterfromthesky.Everything’sblack.“IthinkI’mlosingmymind.”
Shesaysit,andhonestly,Ibelieveher.Thisgirlistotallyweird.Anyway,IshouldgetdowntotheYachtClub.OntheminisculechancethatLilliadoesshowup,Iwanttobethere.“Doyouwantaridehomeorsomething?”IaskMary,hopingheranswerisno.
“I’mjustgoingtowait.MaybeI’llgetupthegutstoleavebythemorning.”
“You’regoingtosithereallnight?”
“It’sjustafewmorehours.”
“Where’sallyourclothesandstuff?Didn’tyoumovebackherewithanything?”
“I—I’llgetitsomeothertime.”
Thisiscrazy.Girlfriendisfull-onfreakingout.“IsthisaboutReeve?”
Marylowershereyes.“It’salwaysbeenaboutReeve.”
I’mabouttosayScrewhim—butbeforeIcan,IseeLillia’ssilverAudiflydowntheroadandtakethefirstrightintotheYachtClubparkinglot.Ican’tbelieveit.Sheshowed.Sheactuallyshowed.
“Getin,”ItellMary,becauseIcan’tleaveherherealoneinthedark.
“I—”
“Hurryup!”
Forasecond,Marylookslikeshe’sgoingtoarguewithme.Ifshedoes,I’moutofhere.Idon’thavetimetobabyher.Lilliamightnotevengetoutofthecarifshedoesn’tseemewaitingthere.Maryhesitatesandthenshetriestoopenthedoor,butit’sstuck.“It’slocked.”
“Letgoofthehandle,”Isay,andpushtheunlockbutton,butwhenMarytriesthedoor,itstillwon’topen.God.“Justhopin,allright!”
“Whoareyouchasing?”sheasks,asIgunittoclosethedistancebetweenusandLillia’staillights.
Idon’tanswerher.Ijustdrive.
Whenwegetintotheparkinglot,Lillia’sstandingbyhercar.She’sgotonatighthoodedsweatshirt,rolled-uppajamashortswithpinkandredheartsonthem,andflip-flops.Herhairispulledupintoalongponytail.Ithink,fromthewaythemoonhitsit,thatit’swet.Shemusthavejusttakenherbath.That’saweirdthingaboutLillia,shealwaystookabatheverynightlikeakid.Iguesssomethingsdon’tchange.
“You’relate,Kat,”shesays.ThenshenoticesMarywithme,andhergriptightensaroundhercarkeys.
Ihurryoutofthecarandwalkover.I’mexcitedandrelievedLillia’sherebuttryingtohideit.“Sheneededaride,”Iwhisper.“Don’tworry.It’scool.”
“Kat—”Lillia’sgivingmeadeathglare.“I’mnotsayinganythinginfrontofher!”
IguessMarycanhearus,becauseshecallsout,“It’sfine,Icanleave.”Sheclimbsoutofthecar.
IholdupmyhandforLilliatogivemeasecondandlookbackatMary.Isay,“LeaveJarIslandtomorrowmorninglikeascaredlittlebaby?”
“Iamscared.I’mscaredoutofmymind.”
“OfReeveTabatsky?”I’mactuallypissednow.Thisgirlneedstogetabackbone,stat.“Iwon’tlethimtouchyou.”
“That’snotwhatI’mworriedabout.”Marycoversherfacewithherhands.“It’sme.I’mtheproblem.I—Ijustcan’tgetoverit.Ican’tmoveon.”
“Well,yeah.Becauseyoudon’thaveanyclosure.Thewronghasn’tbeenmaderight.Reeve’snevergottenwhat’scomingtohim.”
Lilliashakesherhead.“Forgetthis.I’mout.”Sheclickshercaralarm.Theheadlightsflashonandofflikealighthouseandthedoorsunlock.
Isidleuptohercarcoverthedoorhandlewithmybacksoshecan’topenit.“Don’tleavenow.Youwouldn’thavecomehereifyoudidn’twanttogetbackatAlexasbadlyasIwanttogetRennie.”
Maryslowlyapproachesus.“WhatdidAlexdotoyou?”
Lilliahesitatesbeforesaying,“Hedidn’tdoanythingtome.Hedidsomethingtomysister.”
Yeah,Nadiaandmeboth.NotthatI’mnotscarredoranything.Itwasjustastupidhookup.I’moverit.Almost.
Marysays,“I’msorry.Ireallydidn’tmeantointrude.I’mgoingtogo.Andlisten,IpromiseIwon’ttellasoul.Youcantrustme.Iknowmorethanmaybeanyoneelseontheislandhowthiskindofthingcanweighyoudown.Ijust…Ithinkit’sreallycoolyoubotharegoingtodosomethingaboutit.”Sheturnsaround,andstartswalkingaway,backtowardtheferry.“Goodluck.”
LilliaandIlookateachother.“Wait!”Icallout.Maryturnsaround.“Youwantinonthis,Mary?Helpus…andwe’llhelpyoutakedownReeve.”I’mafraidtolookatLillia,becauseIknowshe’sprobablypissedatmerightnow.Butshedoesn’tsayanything.Andshedoesn’tleave,either.
“Whywouldyoudothat?Youdon’tevenknowme.”
Mary’sstaringatmeallintenseandunblinking,anditthrowsmeoff.Ittakesmeasectorecover.Isay,“Idon’thavetoknowyoutoseethatyou’reatotaleffingmessoverwhateverhappened,like,yearsago.Andhey,itwouldn’tbeafreeride.You’dhavetogetyourhandsdirtytoo.Butwe’dbeinittogether.Thethreeofus.”
MarylooksatmeandLilliaforalongmoment.SolongIstarttogetantsy.Atlastshesays,“IfyouhelpmegetReeve,I’lldowhateveritisthatyouwant.”
Lillia’sdoesn’tmove.Herlipsaretightandshe’sshakingherhead.“Idon’tknow.”
“Thinkaboutit,”Itellher.I’msopsyched,I’mpracticallybouncingonmytoes.“Mary’snew.Nooneevenknowsher,muchlesssuspectsher.Plus,withoneotherperson,it’llbeeasieronbothofus.”Shedoesn’tlookconvinced.Ithrowmyhandsintheairandsay,“Youtrustedmeenoughtocomehere,didn’tyou?Allyouneedtodoistrustmejustalittlebitmore.I’vegotagoodfeelingaboutthis.”
Bitingherlip,Lilliasays,“Sowe’regoingtogetrevengeonRennie,Alex,andnowReeve?You’rebasicallyaskingmetotakedowneveryoneinmygroup.”
Shehasapoint.Maybeyoushouldn’tbefriendswithsuchjerksisrightthereonthetipofmytongue.ButIswallowthatdownandgowithdiplomacy.“Ihearyou,”Isay,nodding.“You’vegotthemosttolose,Igetthat.Sowe’lltakecareofAlexfirst.”Pointing,Isay,“Let’sgoschemewherewe’renotoutintheopen.Myboat’sparkeddownthatway.”
Ileadthewayalongthedockwiththemoonatmyback.Mary’snexttome,andLilliaafewstepsbehind.
Aswewalk,mymindisracingwithpossibilities.Howwecandothis,whatwillbethebestwaytogetstarted.I’vealreadygivenitsomethought,justincaseLilliadidshowuptonight.ButnowthatMary’sinthemixtoo,I’vegottomakeafewquickadjustments.AllIknowisthatIhavetoseemprepared,forLillia’ssake,toputhermindatease.Thatgirlisasskittishasacatinathunderstorm.Onehiccupandshe’llbolt.
WhenMaryasksmeifIownoneoftheseboats,pointingatthesoupedupyachts,Ibarelyhearher.Shehastoaskmeagain.Shakingmyhead,Isay,“Notexactly.”
BecauseIworkattheclub,Igettoparkmyboatforfree.Butnotherewiththeseboats,obviously.Mine’stiedupbackbehindthegaspumpsonanolderstretchofdockwheremybosskeepshisjunkers,thebrokenoldboatshe’sboughtcheaptostripforparts.
“Becareful,”Itellthem.“Theplanksalongthisdockarehalfrottedandthere’relotsofrustednailheadspokingupthroughthecracks.IthinkIstillhaveasplinterstuckinmyheel.Thisjerkpulledhisyachtintoofastandmadeawakesobigthatitrockedmerightoffmyboat.”
“Thatsucks,”Marysays.
Inod.“Andhebarelyevensaidsorry.Richpeopleneversaysorry.”
Lilliarollshereyesbutkeepshermouthshut.
ItakethetarpoffmyCatalinaDaysailer,folditup,andputitinthehatch.It’sbeenawhilesinceI’vehaditoutonthewater.MaybenotevensinceJune,whichiscrazy.Butthethingis,AlexandIwouldalwayshangoutonhisboat,becauseithadafridgetokeepourdrinkscoolandleatherbucketseatsthatreclined,andanamazingstereosystem.Forsomeweirdreason,Ifeelguiltyaboutthis.AboutforgettingwhoIwasbeforeImethim.Thethingsthatusedtobeimportanttome.Fixingupmyboat,hangingoutwithmyrealfriends.IneverthoughtI’dbeoneofthosegirls,thosegirlsthatcompromisewhotheyarejustforaguy.Especiallysometwo-timingwanna-beplayerlikeAlexLind.
“Getin,”Isay,hookingmyfloodlightuptothebattery.Itsendsabrightbeamoutthroughthenight,lightingupthecapsofthewaves.Perfect.
Lilliatakesonesteponboardandfreezesastheboatsways.Thenshehopsofflikeascaredbunnyrabbit.ShebacksrightintoMary,wholooksnervoustoo.Crossingherarms,Lilliasays,“Let’sjusttalkouthere.”
Laughing,Isay,“I’vebeensailingeversinceIwasoldenoughtoturnthesteeringwheelonmyown,forGod’ssakes!Ifeelsaferdrivingthisthingthanacar.”
“IsaidI’mnotgettingonthatthing,”Lilliasnaps.“Eitherwetalkouthere,orIleave.”
Undermybreath,Imutter,“Diva,”unhookmyfloodlight,andthenjointhemonthedock.
Thethreeofussitinasemicircle.
IthitsmerightthenthatI’vealreadywon.BecauseRennie’sbestfriendissittinghererightnow,pledgingtohelpmetakeherdown.AndAlexisgoingtogethis,too.IcouldgivetwoshitsaboutReeve,butit’llbenicetoseehimgetwhat’scomingtohim.It’slikeafreakingthree-for-onedeal.
Istretchmylegsoutinfrontofme.“We’vegottosetsomegroundrules.Firstoff,Ithinkeachofushastoparticipateinallthreeactsofrevenge.Thatway,noonecanbackoutorblamesomeoneelse.”
“Obviously,”Lilliasays.
Ishootheralook,butkeepgoing.“Secondly,wecan’tbeseentalkingtoeachotherinpublic.Ever.Notthatwewould…”
Marynods.“Yeah.Iguessthatmakessense.”
Icontinue,“Infact,Ieventhinktextingeachotheristoorisky.Lillia,whatifRenniepickedupyourphoneandsawmynumber?”
Lillialooksdownatherlap.“NotthatRennie’slike,snoopingaroundonmyphone,butyeah,Iguessyouhaveapoint.We’regoingtohavetobecareful.”
“Wehavetobemorethancareful,”Isay.“Noonecaneverknowwhatwe’reupto.Whatwedotogetherlivesanddieswithus.”ThenIclearmythroat,becausethisisthemostimportantpart.“Andifwe’rereallygoingtodothis,noonecanbailhalfwaythrough.Ifyou’rein,youneedtobeinuntiltheveryend.Untilweallgetwhatwewant.Ifnot,well…consideryourselffairgame.It’llbeopenseason,andwe’llhaveahellofalotofammotouseagainstyou.Ifyoucan’tsweartothat,wemightaswelljustpretendliketonightneverhappened.”
Marynodsfirst,thenLillia.Ismile,because,hotdamn,we’rereallydoingthis.
“Allrightthen,”Isay.“Ithinkthat’sit.Now,wejusthavetofigureoutwhatwe’regoingtodotoRennie,Alex,andReeve.”
“Alexfirst,”Lilliacorrects.
Welookatoneanother.Noone’ssayinganything.
“Sowhatarewegoingtodotohim?”Lilliaasks.
“Don’texpectmetodotheheavylifting,”Isnarl.“Ijustcameupwiththerules!”
Lilliapursesherlips.“Areyouserious?Ithoughtyou’dbealloverthis.Ifiguredyou’dalreadyhave,like,anotebookwitheverybodyyouhateandlistsofthingsyou’lldotogetbackatthem.”Sheactuallysoundsdisappointed,whichgivesmeaweirdsenseofpride.
Offthetopofmyhead,Istartriffing.“Okay,well,Alexisobsessedwithhiscar.Wecouldspraypaintit,messwiththeengine—”
“Notbigenough,”Lilliainterrupts.
Maryasks,“Doeshehaveapetorsomething?Wecouldkidnapit…andkillit!”LilliaandIexchangeahorrifiedlookasMarygiggles.“I’mjustkiddingaboutthatlastpart.Iloveanimals!”
Ikeepgoing.“Wecouldhackintotheschoolcomputerandmesswithhisgrades.MakeitsotheonlycollegethatwilltakehimisJarIslandCC.Hisdadwillkillhimifhedoesn’tgetintoanIvy.”
Lilliasighsandsays,“Idon’tknowhowtohackintoanything,andIdoubtyoudo,either,Kat.Doyou,Mary?”
Maryshakesherhead.
“IthinkIhaveabetteridea.”Istarttobristle,butthenLilliagoeson.“IwanttomakeitsonoJarIslandgirlwilleverhookupwithAlexLindagain.So…howdowemakethathappen?”There’ssomethingaboutthewayLilliasaysit.Leaningforwardinthedark,hereyesarewideopenandcalmnow.Shemeansbusiness.
“Hellyeah!”Iclapmyhands.Ican’thelpmyself.ContinueReading…
BurnforBurn
JennyHanandSiobhanVivian?BRADWALSH
JennyHanhashermaster’sdegreeincreativewritingforchildrenfromtheNewSchool.HerpreviousbooksincludeShugandTheSummerITurnedPretty.ShelivesinBrooklyn,NewYork.VisitJennyatdearjennyhan.com
Simon&SchusterBooksforYoungReadersSimon&Schuster·NewYork
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Shug
TheSummerITurnedPretty
We’llAlwaysHaveSummerAnimprintofSimon&SchusterChildren’sPublishingDivision
1230AvenueoftheAmericas,NewYork,NewYork10020
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Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Anyreferencestohistoricalevents,realpeople,orreallocalesareusedfictitiously.Othernames,characters,places,andincidentsareproductsoftheauthor’simagination,andanyresemblancetoactualeventsorlocalesorpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.
Copyright?2010byJennyHan
Allrightsreserved,includingtherightofreproductioninwholeorinpartinanyform.
isatrademarkofSimon&Schuster,Inc.
TheSimon&SchusterSpeakersBureaucanbringauthorstoyourliveevent.Formoreinformationortobookanevent,contacttheSimon&SchusterSpeakersBureauat1-866-248-3049orvisitourwebsiteatwww.simonspeakers.com
BookdesignbyLucyRuthCummins
Jacketphotographcopyright?2010byMichaelFrost
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Han,Jenny.
It’snotsummerwithoutyou:asummernovel/JennyHan.—1sted.
p.cm.
ISBN978-1-4169-9555-5(hardcover:alk.paper)
ISBN13:978-1-4424-1385-6(ebook)
[1.Comingofage—Fiction.2.Interpersonalrelations—Fiction.3.Beaches—Fiction.4.Summer—Fiction.5.Vacationhomes—Fiction.6.Friendship—Fiction.]I.Title.II.Title:Itisnotsummerwithoutyou.
PZ7.H18944It2010
[Fic]—dc22
2009042180