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Copyright?2020byLaurenHo
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Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businesses,companies,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
pid_prh_5.5.0_c0_r0ForOlivierContents
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph

PartI:SpringIsComing
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6

PartII:TwoBirds,OneStone
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29

PartIII:SaltywithAge
Chapter30
Chapter31
Chapter32
Chapter33
Chapter34
Chapter35
Chapter36
Chapter37
Chapter38
Chapter39
Chapter40
Chapter41
Chapter42
Chapter43

PartIV:NoFluke
Chapter44
Chapter45
Chapter46
Chapter47
Chapter48
Chapter49
Chapter50

PartV:TheLastTrueSelf
Chapter51
Chapter52
Chapter53
Chapter54
Chapter55
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthorRememberthatyourrelativesareonlyhuman—Thatmeanstheycanbekilled.
—AndreaTangAncientChineseProverbPartISPRINGISCOMING1
Tuesday9February
Hope.That’swhattheSpringFestival,themostimportantcelebrationinthetraditionalChinesecalendar,issupposedtocommemorate,asidefromsignalling,well,thecomingofspring.Renewal.Atimefornewbeginnings,freshstarts.Greenstuffgrowsoutoftheground.Politiciansfulfilltheircampaignpromises,concertticketsforA-listpopstarsnevergetscalped,babiesgetbornandnobodygetsurinaryincontinenceafter.AndChinesefamiliesallovertheworldcometogetherinhonoroflove,peace,andtogetherness.
Butthisisnotthatkindofstory.Thisisastorywherebadthingshappentogoodpeople.Especiallysinglepeople.Becausehere’sthedeal:forfolkslikemewhofindthemselvessinglebyFebruary,SpringFestivalisnotajoyousoccasion.It’satimeforconjuringupimaginaryboyfriendswithnameslikePeteYangorAndersonLin,hiringmaleescortswholooksmartinsteadofhot,marryingthenextwarmbodyyoufind,andifallelsefails,havingplasticsurgeryandchangingyournamesoyourfamilycanneverfindyou.Fordesperatetimescallfordesperatemeasures,andthereisnoperiodoftimemoredesperateforsingleChinesefemalesovertheageofthirtyeverywherethantheAnnualSpinster-ShamingFestival,a.k.a.ChineseNewYear.
Godhelpuspersecutedsingletons;Godhelpusall—springiscoming.
—
Itwasnoon.LindaMeiReyesandIweresittinginacarinfrontofouraunt’shouseinmatchingupdos,smokingkreteksandhunchedoveroursmartphonesaswecrammedforthetoughestinterviewthatwewouldfacethisyear,the“WhyAreYouStillSingleinYourThirties,YouDisappointmenttoYourAncestors”inquisition.Ourinterrogatorslayinwait,andtheywerelegion.TheTangs,ourfamily,wereveryprolificbreeders.
Eachyear,aswascustomaryontheseconddayofChineseNewYear,AuntieWeiWeiwouldhostalavishluncheonforalltheSingapore-basedTangs.TheseluncheonsweremandatoryFamilyTime:everyonehadtoshowtheirfacesiftheywereintown;theonlyacceptableescapeclausesbeingdeath,disability,ajob-relatedtrip,orthelossofone’sjob(inwhichcaseyoumightaswellbedead).Ifyou’rewonderingwhyAuntieWeiWeicommandedsuchpower,asidefromthefactthatshewashousingourclan’slivingdeity(GrandmaTang),it’sbecauseshewasourclan’sGodfather,minusthesnazzyhorseheaddeliveries.ManyoftheolderTangswereinherdebt:notonlydidsheactasthefamily’sunofficialprivatebankforthefavoredfew,she’dbasicallyraisedthelotofthemaftermygrandfatherpassedawayinthe1950sandleftmygrandmotherdestitute.Astheeldestofabroodofninesiblings,AuntieWeiWeihaddroppedoutofsecondaryschoolandworkedtwojobstohelpdefrayhouseholdexpenses.That’showhersiblingsallmanagedtofinishtheirsecondaryschooling,andforsomeofthehigherachievers,university,evenasitcameatherownexpense.
Atleastkarmahadrewardedhersacrifice.AftermigratingtoSingaporeinherlatetwenties,shehadmarriedwell,againsttheodds,toasuccessfulbusinessman;whenhediedsoonafter(ofentirelynaturalcauses),she’dinheritedseveraltractsofland,thesaleofwhichhadmadeher,andheronlydaughter,Helen,eye-wateringlywealthy.HenceherunassailablepositionasdefactomatriarchoftheTangclan,sincethereisnothingthattheChineserespectmorethanwealth,especiallythekindthatmightpotentiallytrickledownstream.Posthumously.
EversinceImovedtoSingaporefromLondonaboutsixyearsago,asthesolerepresentativeofmyfather’ssideofthefamilyinSingaporeI’dbeenobligedbymyverypersuasivemothertoattendAuntieWeiWei’sgatherings.Sincemyfatherwasherfavoritesibling,AuntieWeiWeihadpaidoffalotofhisdebtswhenhepassedandnowshebasicallyownsus,emotionally,whichishowrealpowerworks.Iusedtoenjoythesegatherings,butsinceIvan,mylong-termpartner,andIbrokeupninemonthsandtwenty-threedaysago,waytoolateformetofindanotherschmucktototetothishorrorshow,therewasamplereasontodreadtoday’sfestivities.Why,youask?BecauseChineseNewYearistheworsttimetobeunattached,barnone.ForgetValentine’sDay.Imean,what’stheworstthatcanhappenthen?Someman-childyou’vebeenobsessingoverdoesn’tsendyouchocolates?Boo-hoo.Afrenemyhumblebragsaboutthesizeofherugly,overpricedbouquet(thatsheprobablysentherself)?Please.YourfunblinddateturnsouttobetheZodiacKiller?Tough.JustwaittillyouhavetodealwithOlderChineseRelatives.Thesepeopleunderstandmentalandemotionaltorture.Theywillcorneryouandaskyouquestionsdesignedtomakeyouwanttochugabottleofantifreezerightafter.Popularonesinclude:“Whyareyoustillsingle?”;“Howoldareyouagain?”;“What’smoreimportantthanmarriage?”;“Doyouknowyoucan’twaitforevertohavebabies,otherwiseyouareprettymuchplayingRussianroulettewithwhatevermakesitoutofyourcollapsingbirthcanal?”;“Howmuchmoneydoyoumake,aftertaxes?”
Aswe’vebeenprogrammedsincebirthtokowtowtoourelders,weforceourselvestoShow(ourBest)Faceattheseevents,nomatterhowdamagingtheycanbetoouregoandpsyche.Sothatiswhy,dearDiary,twosuccessfulwomenintheirthirties,dressedinorangefloralcheongsamstheypanic-boughtthenightbefore,weretryingsohardtogettheirstoriesabouteachother’simaginaryboyfriendstraighttoplacateanaudiencethattheywillnotseeagainforanotheryear.
“It’seasyformine,”Lindawassaying.Mycousinandbestfriend,Lindaisonlyhalf-Chinese(theotherhalfbeingSpanish-Filipino),soshehadsomewiggleroomwiththefamily,buteventhenormallycold-bloodedlitigatorwassweatingintheair-conditionedcar.“JustrememberthatAlvinChan,whomyou’vemetbeforebytheway,isnotjustmybossbutmyboyfriend,andjust,youknow,extrapolatefromthere.Makeupthedetails.”
“WhatdoyouthinkIam,anamateur?”Isnapped,holdingupmyiPhonetoshowheraphotoofherandher“boyfriend”atarecentgala.IpulledupascreenshotofKoreanactorandnationaltreasureWonBin—unlikeLinda,Ididnothaveahotboss.“Nowyourememberthatmyboyfriend’snameisHenryChong,he’saSingaporeanChineseinhislatethirties,he’stheonlychildofarealestatemogulandabrilliantbrainsurgeon,andhelookslikethis.”IheldthephoneinfrontofherfacesoshecouldbeinspiredbytheperfectionthatisWonBin.
“Toomanydetails,”Lindasaid,notevenlookingatthescreen.“It’salwaysthedetailsthattripliarsup.Keepitsimple.”
“Notifyou’reprepared,likeIam.You,however,lookwasted.”
“I’mprepared.AndI’mdeadsober,”shesaidemphaticallybeforeburpingginfumesinmyface.Yetsomehowhersoftlybraidedupdolookedfreshwhileminewasalreadyunspooling,likemylife
ImutteredtheLord’sPrayer,orwhatIcouldrecallofit,undermybreath.Itwasgoingtobealongday.“Remember,Henry’sapartnerinamidsizeSingaporeanlawfirm.HeiscurrentlymeetingwithaclientinDubai,andthat’swhyhecan’tbeherewithustoday.Oh,andhe’stall.Andhot.”
“Gotit,”Lindasaid,rollinghereyes.Shetookadeepdragfromherthird“cigarette”ofthemorning.“AnythingelseIshouldcasuallydropduringtheconvo?Maybethefactthathehasamassivecock?”
“Ifyou’respeakingtooneoftheolderaunties,thenyes.Goforit,withmyblessings.”
Lindasighed,stubbingouther“cigarette”inanashtray.“Gotit.Andifanyoneasks,Alvin’sskiinginVal-d’Isère.”
“Val-de-Whut?”
“Val-dee-Zehr.It’sintheFrenchAlps,youpeasant.”Shegrinned.“Here’sanothertip:pepperingaconvowithunpronounceableplacenamesusuallydetersfurtherlinesofquestioning.Mostpeopledon’tlikelookingunsophisticated.”
“Goodpoint,”Isaid.“OK,inthatcasenixDubai,makeitAshgabat.”
Sheflashedathumbs-up.“Ashgabatitis.Anyway,there’sachancethatnoneoftherelativeswillrememberwhoIamsinceI’venotbeenbackinAsiaforoveradecade,soImightbesafefromattack.”Linda’sfamilywassomewhatestrangedfromtheclan,oneofthereasonsbeingthathermotherhadmarriedan“outsider,”i.e.,anon-Chinese;plus,havingspentmostofherformativeyearsattendingboardingschoolinEnglandmeantshewaslessinvolved,andlessinclinedtobeso,inclanaffairs.ThatwaswhyshekeptalowprofilewiththeTangssincehermovetoSingaporelastFeburaryaspartofherfirm’snewmarketexpansionplan.“Icouldhaveskippedthiswholedoandjuststayedhome,soremindmewhyI’mputtingmyselfthroughthisshitshowagain?”
“Becauseyouloveme?”Isaidbrightly.
Shesnorted.
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Youoweme,woman.Withoutthehelpofmyexcellentnotesandlast-minutetutorialsyouwouldhavefailedyourfinalyearoflawschool,sinceyouhardlyattendedanyofthelectures.”
“Keeptellingyourselfthat.Anyway,IseemtorecallbeingpromisedachampagnebrunchattheSt.RegisifIdidwelltoday.”
“Yes,”Igrumbled.“IjusthopeyouputasmucheffortintoHenry’shistoryandcharacterdevelopmentasIdidforAlvin’s.”
“Don’tworry.Ididn’tgraduatetopoftheclass—”
“Second.Iwasfirst.”
“—topoftheclassfornothing.I’vegotthewholestorydownpat.Relax.”Shepunchedmeintheback.“Straightenyourshouldersandtrynottolooksobrowbeaten.It’snowonderyouhaven’tbeenmadepartner.”
Ittookallmyself-controlnottostabherintheeyewithmycigarette.
Perhapssensingshewasinmortaldangerifshedidn’tchangethesubject,LindatookoutabottleofFebrezeandproceededtobaptizeuswithit.“Anyway,Ihaveonelastpieceofadvicebeforewegoin.”
“What?”Isaid,betweencoughs.
Shepinchedmyarm,hard.“Whateverhappensinthere,donotcryinfrontofthem.Don’tgivethosejerksthesatisfaction.”
“Youarehurtingme,”Iyelped,eyeswellingwithtears.
“Ireallyhopenoonegivesusangpaos,”Lindasaiddarkly,oblivioustothesufferingofothersasusual.“Theygetextrabitchywhentheydo.I’drathertheyjustinsultuswithoutfeelingliketheyearnedit.”ShewasreferringtotheredenvelopescontainingcashthatmarriedpeopletraditionallygiveouttochildrenandotherunmarriedkinregardlessofageorsexduringChineseNewYear.Forkidsit’sagreatwaytogetextrapocketmoney,butgettingangpaosasanadultinyourthirtieswasaspecialkindoffestiveembarrassment,akintogettingcaughtmakingoutwithyourfirstcousinbyyourgrandmother.Atleasttheadultrecipientcancomforthimselfimaginingtheinternalweepingandgnashingofteeththemarriedangpaogivermustundergoasheisforcedtohandoverhishard-earnedcashtoanotherable-bodiedadult.Inourexperience,theintrusivequestionsandsnideput-downsweredefinitelythegiver’swayofalleviatingthementalagonyofthisreluctantact.
“Let’snotbetoohasty,”Isaid,crossingmyselfincaseshehadjinxedus.“LastyearImadealmostsixhundredbuckseasy,threehundredfromAuntieWeiWeialone.”
TwobreathmintsandliberalspritzesofAnnickGoutallater,wewerered-eyedandreadytofacealltheorcsthatourfamilytreecouldthrowatus.AuntieWeiWeilivedinanimposingdouble-storiedbungalowinaquiet,leafyneighborhoodinBukitTimah.Thegateanddoubledoorsofherhomewerethrownwideopenwithnosecurityguardsstationedatthegate,nosalivatingrabiddogsonpatrol,andnomilitaryboobytrapssetuponthegrounds.Youcouldliterallyjuststrollin.Whichwedid.
Inallhonesty,thecasualindifferenceofwealthySingaporeanstowhatIwoulddeembasicprecautionarymeasuresand,quitefrankly,thesheerlackofinitiativeshownbylocalburglarsneverfailedtoamazemeasaMalaysian.EvenIcouldhavepickedthisplacecleanwithnotroubleorspecialtrainingwhatsoever.AllIwouldneedisacoupleofduffelbags,maybeasexyblackleotard,apairofsunglasses,Chanelthigh-highboots,aFrenchaccent…
“Areyoudaydreamingagain?”Linda’svoicebrokemyreverie,inwhichIwasback-flippingoverafieldoflaserbeamsàlaCatwoman(circaMichellePfeiffer).
“No.Why?”
“You’rejuststandingthere,drooling.Getin.”Shepushedopenthefrontdoor,whichhadbeenleftajar.
Istifledasighofenvyaswemadeourwaytothereceptionroom.DespiteitbeingtheumpteenthtimeI’dsteppedintoherhomeovertheyears,Iwasimpressed.Themansion,withitsblackmarblefloors,highceilings,andbespokewallpaper,whisperedofentitlementandthepowertobuypoliticians.AuntieWeiWeihadhadtheplacedecoratedinchinoiserieofthehighestorder.Itwashardnottogawkatthefinedetailingontheantiqueporcelainvasesandlacquerware,theelegantscrollsofChinesecalligraphyandinkpaintings,ortorefrainfromtouchingthedancer–shapedbloomsoftherareslipperorchidsfloweringintheirchinabowlsandthestuffedwhitepeacock,withitsdiamondwhitetrainoftailfeathers,perchedonitsivorybaseinonecorneroftheroom.Allthatwasmissingweresomecasuallyscatteredgoldbars.
Itwasapparentthatevery(official)memberofourclanhadmadetheefforttoShowFace:man,woman,legitimatechildren,anddomestichelp;althoughitwasalmost1:00p.m.,threehoursafterthegatheringhadofficiallybegun,theplacewasstillpackedwithclosetofiftypeople.Asperusualwithsuchgatherings,everyonewasdressedtothenineswiththeirmostimpressivebling.YoucouldhardlylookaroundwithoutaRolex,Omega,orPanerai,realorfake,nearlyputtingyoureyeout.Keyfobsofluxurycarsfaux-casuallydangledorpeekedoutfrompockets.Mostdonnedred,anauspiciouscolorfortheLunarNewYear.ManyTangswerealsoredinthefacefromthepremiumwineandwhiskeytheywereknockingbackliketherewasnotomorrow,courtesyoftheirhost.Afree-flowbarcanbringoutthereluctantalcoholicinanyChinese,Asianflushandstomachulcersbedamned.ButformeandLinda,boozingTangsarenotusuallytheproblem:it’sthesoberoneswehadtobewaryof,theonesdrinkingteaasblackastheirstonyhearts,theirbeadyeyeslookingforfreshprey.IhadvividmemoriesofbeingforcedtorecitethetimestableorsomeclassicalChinesepoeminfrontoftheseraptors,theirbreathbatedastheywaitedformetomakeamistakesotheycouldrunandgetmyparents—thatway,wecouldallbeshamedtogether.That’showtheygetoff.
Atleastthefoodlookedamazing;IwouldhaveexpectednothinglessfromAuntieWeiWei.Inonecornerofthehallwasalongbuffettableladenwithdrool-inducingChineseNewYeardelicaciessuchaswholeroastedsucklingpig;atleastfourdifferenttypesofcoldnoodles;steamedseabass;beautifullycrispyPekingduck;friedspringrolls;pomeloandplumchickensalad;andniangao.Onaseparatetable,thedesserts:ahugerose-and-lycheecakeflankedbytwodifferenttypesofchocolatecake;assortedglazedmini-cupcakes;macaronstheperfectredofcherries;traysofgolden,butterypineappletarts;bowlsofpistachios,cashewnuts,andpeanuts;plattersofcuttropicalfruit;andbrightpyramidsofmandarinorangesandpeaches.Itwastoomuchfood,butbytheendoftheeveningeverythingwouldbegone.Gluttony,afterall,isaChineseartformandwe’vehadmillenniatoperfectit.
OverthedinofChineseNewYearsongsblaringfromsleekBang&Olufsenspeakersanddrunkenchatter,LindaandIlookedforGrandmaTangsowecouldpayourquickrespectsbeforejoiningoursingle,pariahpeers.Linda,beingaheadtallerthanmyfivefootthree,scannedtheroomandfoundaqueuewaitingtogreetGrandmaTang,whowaswearingacrimsonbatikcheongsamandalltheimperialjadeintheworld.Someonehadseatedherinathronelikehigh-backedchairinonecornerofthehallonamakeshiftpedestal,whereshecouldpeerimperiously(butblindly)downatthecrowd.ShewassooldandwizenedthatwhenwegottoherandwishedherthestandardChineseNewYeargreetingofalong,prosperous(neverforgetthe“prosperous”),andhappylife,shegruntedinderision,whichistheoldladyequivalentof“hah!”
Igetmysenseofhumorfromher,ofcourse.
Afterwishingherthus,wewaitedforafewuncomfortablesecondsbeforerealizing,toourgrowinghorror,thatshehadnointentionofgivinguseldersingletonsangpaos.Andso,tothechorusofjeeringchildren,wemadeourshamefacedwaytotheotherendoftheroom,whereaherdofoursimilarlyluckless-in-lovecousinswerehuddledtogetherforsafety.Theswiftestpathtothem,however,broughtusbysomesoberauntswhowerestationedbythebar,simultaneouslyharanguingandgropingaterrifiedwaiter.Therewasnowaywewouldbeabletoavoidthem.
“Walkfast,”Ihissed,grippingLinda’srightpalminminesothatshewouldn’tcanteroffinthedirectionofthebottlesofJohnnieWalkerBlacklineduponthebar’scountertop.“Anddon’tlookaround.”Wepretendedtobedeepinadiscussion,laughingmaniacallyaswescurriedbytheaunts,buttonoavail.Oneofthewomen,deepinherseventiesanddressedinanill-fittingburgundycheongsam,detachedherselffromthegaggleofvultures,Imean,aunts,andlurchedover,grinningatme.IttookmeawhiletorecognizeherasshehadslatheredonaBeijingoperamaskofmakeup,andbythenitwastoolate.LeeringatmewasnoneotherthanAuntieKim,thetyrantwhousedtomakemerecitethetimestableinfrontofalltheTangswhenIwasaweepreschooler.Isay“auntie,”buttobehonest,eventhoughIseeherateverysingleTanggathering,Ihavenoideaifshe’sreallymyauntorifsheisevenrelatedtome.InmanypartsofAsia,itisperfectlyacceptabletocallanyoneabovetheageofforty,betheyrelativeornot,“auntie”or“uncle”inlieuofeverlearningtheiractualnames—thegrocer,thetaxidriver,theretiredaccountantwhodoesyourtaxes,thelocalpedophile—anyone.Unless,ofcourse,youareaboutthesameageorolder.Thenyou’rejustaskingforagoodoldslapintheface.
Iscannedtheroom,lookingforanopenwindow,afriendlyface,orahatchet,buttherewasnone.Itriedtocatchtheattentionofmyunmarriedcousins,clusteredafewstepsaway.Twoofthemwavedbeforeavertingtheireyes.Cowards.
“AndreaTangWeiLing,*whysolate?”AuntieKimshoutedinSinglishtoallandsundryasshescannedmefromtoptotoe,ignoringLinda(Lindawasright:shehadeffectivelybeenforgottenbyourfamily).“Whyyouherealone?Noonewantyouissit?”Shechuckled.“Aiyah,Ijustjokeonly,butmaybealsotruehor,hahaha!”
Everyonewithinearshotwassmirking.Someone’sloserkidchimedininasingsongvoice,“AuntieAndreadoesn’twanttogetmarriedbecauseshedoesn’twanttogiveusangpaobecauseshe’sstingy!”Thisoutburstwasgreetedwithlaughter.Theloudestlaughscamefrommyfecklesssinglecousins.
NormallyLindawouldhaveleftmetodieintheproverbialgutterbythen,butLindahadKPIs*andshewasnotonetodisappoint.Withouthesitation,sheshovedmeasideandclaspedthewoman’spaperyhandsinherown.“AuntieKim,don’tyouworryaboutol’WeiLinghere.She’sdoingverywell.Ittooksometime,butshe’sfinallyfoundherselfaman!”
Iwishedshewouldn’tsayitwithsuchgusto.
“Really,ah?Who?”AuntieKimwasincredulous.
“HenryChong.Oh,he’ssuchadarling,waytoogoodforWeiLing,really.Verysmart.Veryhandsome.Verybig,er,shoulders.”
“Hen-Ree?”AuntieKimmused,suckingonthevowelsliketheywerehermissingteeth.“Hen-Reewhererightnow?”
“Nothere,”Isaidpetulantly,myarmscrossedtohidemysweatingpits.
“Oh,he’salwaysflyinghereandthere,thatbusybee,”Lindasaid.“Henry’sapartnerinabiglawfirm.Verybig.Two,threehundredemployees.”SheleanedclosetoAuntieKimandstage-whispered,“He’svery,veryrich.”
“Alawyer?”AuntieKimexclaimed.“Richsomemore…good,good.AndheisChinese,right?”
“HecantracehisChinamanlineageallthewaytothefirstcavemanChongtohavecarnalknowledgeofawoman,Auntie,”Lindasaid,poker-faced.
“Wah?”AuntieKim’sgraspofEnglishwasasstrongasBritneySpears’svocalrange.
Lindatriedagain.“HenryisonehundredpercentChinese,pureasriceflour.”
“Oh,likethat,ah,goodlor.Makesureyoukeepthisone,WeiLing,don’tlethimflyaway,can!”saidAuntieKim,mollified.Havingreceivedalltheinformationsheneeded,shehandeduseachanangpaoandlurchedaway,herropesofgoldchainsclanking,thistimeheadinginthedirectionofmyterrifiedtwenty-nine-year-oldcousin,AlisonTang,who’djustarrivedandwasabouttoslinkintoacorner.Thetrooperhadwornpinklipglossandstyledherhairinpigtailstoappearyounger.Alas,AuntieKim,despiteherdecrepitcondition,wasnotsoeasilyfooled.“Alee-son!Alee-son!Whereareyougoing?Whynobodywithyouagain?Why—”
“Let’sgo,”Isaid,draggingLindapastatrioofred-facedmenexchangingloudanddrunkenreminiscencestillwereachedthesinglesposse.Ourpresencewasacknowledged,barely;nobodywantedordaredtobreakeyecontactfortoolongwiththeirphones.Mostwerelegitimatelyworking(NoteventhemostimportantholidayfortheChinesecanstopmefromslavingforyou!wasthesubtexttheywerechannelingtotheirbosses),whilesomewereFacebookingorsurfingmindlessly.Themostbrazenoneofall,Gordon,wasbrowsingGrindrprofiles.Iwatchedhimtext-flirtwithoneguyafteranotherandwishedIcoulddothesameandputmyselfoutthereinallmymediocreglory.
TomyhorrorIrealized,whenGordonstartedlaughing,thatIhadspokenoutloudwithoutmeaningto,whichtendedtohappenwhenIwasunderstress.“Andreadarling,justdoit!It’sreallyeasy.Wantmetosetupaprofileforyou?OnTinder,ofcourse.Orthathotnewlocation-basedappeveryone’stalkingabout,whichislikeGrindrbutforstraightpeople.Youknowtheone:Sponk!”
Idemurred;TinderandSponkheraldedthedeathofromancetome.Asifyoucouldreducethesearchfortheall-importantSomeoneWhoWon’tKillYouinYourSleeptoathumb-swipingexercisebased(mostly)onphotos.AndsinceIhadnoPhotoshopskillstospeakof,Ididn’tstandachance—everyoneknowsthatyouhadtohaveahotprofilephotooratleastonewhereyoulookedlikeyouhadn’tgivenupinordertogetanymatches.ThesedaysIresembledaslightlymelted,sun-bleachedgardengnome,nothankstomypunishingscheduleatwork.Maybeif—
“Why,lookwhoitis,myfavoriteniece,Andrea!”
IturnedandsawAuntieWeiWei,resplendentinasunset-orangesilkbajukurunganddrippingindiamonds,stridingtowardus.Mystomachclenched;IknewwhyAuntieWeiWeiwascomingoveranditcertainlywasn’ttopraisemysartorialchoicesormakesmalltalk.Shealwayshadanagendawhenitcametomembersoftheclan;shestuckhernoseineveryone’saffairsandgaveunsolicitedadviceororders,butnobodydaredtocontradictorstopher.
“I’llpayyoufivehundredbucksifyoucomeouttoAuntieWeiWeirightnow,”IwhisperedindesperationtoGordon.WhenIdidn’treceivearesponse,IswiveledmyheadandsawthatGordonandthegangofsmartphone-wieldingcravenshadsomehowmigratedtothefarsideofthedrawingroomandwerealltextingasiftheirlivesdependedonit.
Iturnedbackaroundandfoundmyselfface-to-facewiththematriarchofthefamily.Behindme,Iheard,ratherthansaw,Lindasidlingawaylikethetraitorouslowlifeshewas,butalasforher,theginfromearlierinthecarwasalreadyworkingitsdullingmagic.
“LindaMeiReyes!”AuntieWeiWeisaidinherloud,commandingvoice.“Theprodigalnieceherself.Nowisn’tthisalovelysurprisetohaveyougraceuswithyourpresenceatlonglast.”ShegaveLindaadismissiveonce-over.“Huh.Stillashiplessasasnake.Wherehaveyoubeenhidingallthistime?Didyourfatherfinallydecidetocutthepursestrings?”
Lindafroze.Thiswastheonlychinkinherarmor—herfinancialdependenceonherfather,despitewhatsheproclaimedtotheworld.“I’mthepartnerofalawfirmandmyboyfriendskisinVal-d’Isère,”shesaidweaklytonoone.
“Well,goodforyou,workingwithDaddy’spals.I’llsaythisforJosé—healwaystookcareofhischildren,whichismorethanIcansayaboutmysister.”Sheshookherheadandtsk-tsked.“Asforyou,Andrea”—AuntieWeiWeiturnedherattentiontome;thebloodinmyveinsrancold—“areyousick?You’velostalotofweight.Icanseerightthroughyou.”Shewaggledafingeratme.“Youneedtofattenuporyou’lllosewhat’sleftofyourfigure.Mendon’twanttomarryscrawnywomen,youknow.”
Igaveherarictusgrintomatchmyloser,non-childbearinghips.LastyearIwastoofat,thisyearIwastoothin:AuntieWeiWeicouldgiveGoldilocksalessonortwo.“Gongxifacai,AuntieWeiWei.Youlookwell,”Isaid,lying.AuntieWeiWeilookedlikeshehadcrossedtheBotoxRubiconinthedark.
“It’stheexerciseandregularfacials,youshouldtrysome—IcanparkaBentleyinoneofyourpores.Anyway,didyoucomewithLinda?WhathappenedtoIvan?”
“Ihaveanewboyfriend,”Isaid,afterI’dsuccessfullyfoughttheimpulsetopluckoutAuntieWeiWei’seyeballs.“Hisnameis,ah,is—”
AuntieWeiWeicutmeoff.“Ifhe’sano-show,he’snotserious.Youyoungstersthesedays.”Shesighed.“Youknowyou’rewastingyourbestyearsbeingacareerwoman,right?TheTangwomentendnottoagewell,Imustsay,speakingfromapersonalstandpointonly,ofcourse.”Shegavemeapointedlook.
Don’tcry!Distracther!Distracther!“WhataboutHelen,then?”IblurtedbeforeIcouldstopmyself.Ifeltkindoflowbringingupherstill-singledaughter,whowasturningthirty-eightthisyear.
“Oh,haven’tyouheard?”AuntieWeiWei’sfrozeneyebrowsgaveaheroicspasmofjoy.“That’sourbigannouncementthisChineseNewYear:Helen’sengaged!She’smarryingabanker,MagnusSvendsen—isn’tthatalovelyname?Mag-nus!Soregal!”
“What?”Isqueaked,mosteloquently.HelenTang-Chen,whoIknewforafacttobeopenlygaytoallhercontemporaries,wasgettingmarried—toaman?Whatsorcerywasthis?
AuntieWeiWeicouldn’thavelookedmoreself-satisfied.“It’salittlebitofawhirlwindromance,Imustadmit,butwhoamItostandinthepathoftruelove?We’rehavingtheSingaporeanreceptionatCapellainMayofnextyear,justaftermybigsixtiethbirthdaybash.That’smorethanenoughtimeforyou,andLinda,tofindadate,I’msure.Andmaybe”—shegavemeanotherpointedlook—“bothofyoucouldgetamoreflatteringoutfitthistime,somethingless…off-the-rack?”
Itriedtofindmyvoicebutmythroatwasclosingup.
AuntieWeiWei’stoneconveyedthepityhereyescouldn’t.“Youknow,IalwaysthoughtmydaughterwouldbethelasttomarryamongalltheTangwomenofyourgeneration,butitlookslikethat’snolongerthecase.”
Awaveofnauseaoverwhelmedmeastherealizationbroke:forthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwouldindeedbelastatsomething.
—
“Youtraitor,”Isaidfortheumpteenthtime.
WeweresprawledonthecouchinLinda’spenthouseapartmentinRiverValley,performingthepostmortemonAuntieWeiWei’spartywithalittlehelpfromabottleoftequilaandabagofDoritos.
“Ihadto,Andrea,Ihadto.Yousawwhatshewaslike!”
“Youbetrayedme.Justleftmealoneinhostileterritory!”
Lindayawnedandstretched.“Oh,quityourhistrionics.Youwouldhavedonethesame.Besides,shegotherclawsinmeanyway.I’mstillsmarting.”
“Canyoubelievesheonlygaveusfiftydollarseachasangpao,”Isaidfeelingly,“whenshewasway,waymoreviciousthistime?”
Lindashrugged.Moneytalkboredher—whatexcitedherwaswinning.Ateverythingandanything.Andstatus.Anddesignerbags.“Idon’tgetit.WhenIsawHeleninMambolastDecember,shesworetomethatshewasnever,evergettingmarrieduntilgaymarriagewaslegalizedinSingapore.Andnowshe’smarryingaman?Whatgives?”
IwasstalkingMagnusSvendsenonmysmartphone.“HaveyouseenhowhotthisMagnuslooksinhisphoto?Andit’s,like,aphotofromanannualreport.Nobodyissupposedtolookhotinthose—youcan’tevenopenlyusefiltersonLinkedIn.”Isquintedatthephoto.“Lookatthatface!He’sso…sosymmetrical.”
Lindaglancedattheoffensivephotoinquestionandmadeaface.“Urgh!Howunfair.Theveryleastshecouldhavedonewastakeoneofthewonky-lookingonesoffthemarket.Maybehe’salsogay?”
“DoesAuntieWeiWeiknowthatHelenisgay?”Iaskedhopefully.NotthatIwasplanningtothrowherunderthebus,ofcourse.
Lindarolledherlargehazeleyes.“Ofcoursesheknows.Don’tyouknowthatsheoncecaughtHelenmessingaroundwithhertutorintheirhouse?ButAuntieWeiWeijustpretendedlikeitneverhappened.”
Mystomachgrowled;Ihadbarelyeatenatthegatheringfromallthepretend-textingandonebagofcrispswasnotenough.“I’mhungry.PassmetheDoritos?”
“We’reoutofDoritos.”
Ifelltomykneesinmockdespair.“DearGod!Cananythingelsegowrongtoday?”
“MyNetflixisdown,”Lindaadded.Shecheckedthebottle.“Andwe’refinallyoutoftequila.”
Icurledintoafetalpositiononthecarpet.Clearlythisdaycouldgetworse
“Wait.”Shedisappearedandcamebackwithanopenedbottleinherhandandaglass.“Here.Havesomeofthiscookingwine.Notsureifit’sstillgood,it’sbeensittinginthefridgeforaboutthreedayssinceSusanmadespagbogforme”—SusanwasLinda’spart-timehelp—“butyouhaveplebiantaste,so.”
“Wineiswine.”Isatup,ignoredtheprofferedglass,andtookagiantswigfromthebottlebeforepassingittoLinda,whoguzzledhalfofitafterasniffandawince.That’swhatIlikedabouther:shemightlooklikeHarrodsontheoutside,butontheinsideLindawasstraight-upT.J.Maxx—hobowithoutthechic.
Shesatcross-leggedonthefloornexttome.“Youknow,Iheardwhatthatwitchsaidtoyou.I’msorry.”
“Nobiggie,”Isaid.“Itdidn’thurtatall.”
Shehuggedme.“Shh.It’sjustmehere.Youdon’thavetolie.”
Mylowerliptrembled.“ItshouldhavebeenHelen,”Isaid.“Shewassupposedtobemyfail-safe,theLastTangStanding.”Nowtherewouldbenooneelse(older)tosharetheburdenofdeflectingcriticismonbeingsinglefrommyrelatives.
“There,there.”Shekissedmeandletgo.“Ireallydon’tknowwhyyoustillgotothesethingsjustbecausethey’rehostedbyfamily.Iwouldn’thave.”
Ihadoftendebatedthis,too.Lindadidn’tunderstandbecauseculturallyshewasmoreWesternizedthanIwas.Andshereallywasn’tpartoftheclanandneverhadbeen;havinglivedmostofherlifeinthePhilippines,shehadnevergrownupwithinthissupportsystem.AuntieWeiWeiandtheresthadseenmymotherandmethroughwheneverythinghadcomecrashingdownonourfamily,whenwefoundoutaboutmyfather’scancerandthebills,andwhenmymotherhadherownhealthissues.Theywereinterfering,theywerenasty,buttheywerestillfamily.Forallthattheyhaddoneforme,Ihadadutytoshowupandhumorthem,attheveryleast.
Youdon’trunawayfromfamily.
“Anyway,youletyourfamilydictatewhatyoushouldorshouldnotdowaytoooften.Isthishowyouwanttoliveyourlife?Whataboutwhatyouwant?”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Imakemyownchoices.”
“Soyousay.You’vebeeninceptedsohardyoucan’teventell,orratheryoudon’twantto,what’syourdecisionandwhat’stheirsanymore.”Lindabegantickingoffalaundrylistofitems.“Let’stalkabouthowyouliveinSingaporeinsteadofLondon,likeyou’vealwayswantedto,justsoyoucanbeclosetoyourfamily.”
“It’scalledsacrificiallove,thankyouverymuch.”
“Sure,butyoudon’tseeyourmothermoreoftenthanwhenyouwerelivinginLondon,doyou?Andlet’snotforgethowyou’reanM&Alawyerwhenyounevergravitatedtothatduringlawschool.Orhoweverymanyou’vedatedsinceyoumovedbackhomehasbeenthemaleversionofyourIdealSelfAccordingtoMa.”
“Idon’thaveatype,”Iprotestedweakly.
“Whateveryousay.”Lindayawnedandbegandoingyogastretches.“Anyway,I’mplayingdevil’sadvocatehere,butsincethey’reharassingyoutosettledownandyouhavenowillpowertodefythem,whydon’tyoustartdatingagain?”
Iglaredather.“Imakemyowndecisions,notmyfamily.Anyhow,thewaythingsaregoingatwork,Idon’thavetimetodate,notifI’mgoingtobetheyoungestequitypartnerofSingh,Lowe&Davidson.”
“Anadmirablequest!Hear,hear!”Lindasaid.Sheswiggedfromthebottleofwine.“Here’stous,sexy,independentworkingwomen!”
“Well,you’reindependentuntilyoursalaryrunsout.ThenyougorunningtoDaddy.”
“Shutup.”
Igaveherabigkissonherrightcheek.“YouknowIloveyou.Thanksforcomingtoday,really.Itmeantalottome.”
Sheshrugged.“You’rewelcome.Oh,andFYI,IbookedusourtableatSt.Regisforthechampagnebrunchyouoweme.”Shelaughedatmysourexpression.“What,didyouthinkLaLindawouldforget?”
Istaredglumlyatmylapandshookmyhead.Whenitcametocollectingdebt,theChineseneverforget.2
Saturday13February
Receivedacallonmymobilephoneatthebuttcrackofdawn(10:35a.m.onaSaturday),wakingmeupfromaterrifyingnightmarewhereIhaddroppedmyworkmobileintothetoiletjustbeforeanimportantcall,thuslosingalltheprogressIhadmadeonCandyCrush.
IstaredatthecallerID,whichflashed“Unknown.”Thatcouldonlymeanonething:itwasmymother.Evenpervert-stalkersandtelemarketersknowbetterthantomasktheircallerIDiftheywantedthecallpickedup.
Knowingshewouldjusthitredialuntilshegotthrough,Iansweredthecall.“Hello?”
“Wherearemygrandchildren?”shesaidwithoutpreamble.
Igroaned,rubbingthesleepfrommyeyes.“Andhellotoyou,too,Ma.”
“Don’t‘hello’me.Idon’twant‘hello.’Iwantgrandchildren,Andrea,”sheadmonished.Really,whoneedsabiologicalclockwhenyouhaveaChinesemother?
“Well,Mom,ifwearetofollowtheculturalandreligiousnormsthatyouholddear,thenfirst,Ineedtofindaman,thenweneedtodateforasufficientamountoftimetoensurethathe’snotaserialchildmolesterorasubstanceabuser,thenIneedtomanipulatehimintomarryingmesincetherearesomanyyounger,hotterwomenoutthere,then—”
“ThenwhydidyouandIvanbreakup?”shecrieddramatically.IcouldalmostheartheArmFling.“AuntieEunicecalledmeafterAuntieWeiWei’sgatheringtotellmethatyoucamewithLinda,noboyfriendinsight.Ihadtofindoutfrommyleastfavoritesister-in-lawthatmyownfleshandbloodhadbrokenupwithherbestprospect?Howcouldyou?”
Isighed.Sothecat’scorpsewasoutofthebag.“I’mdatingsomeonenew,”Iliedhalfheartedly.
Shesnorted.“Iknowwhat‘dating’meanstoyourgeneration.Itmeansno-strings-attachedsex.Ifyou’regivingitawayforfree,whichmanwillwanttomarryyou?”
Irolledmyeyes.IfonlymymomknewhowlittleactionIwasgettingdownsouth,whereasecondaryforestwasonitswaytobecomingaprimaryone.“OK,Mom,IgetthatIneedtomeetaman,makehimfallinlovewithme,marryme,andimpregnateme.I’llgetonitrightaway.CanIgonow?”
“Ican’tbelievethatevenHelenisgettingmarried,”mymothersaidhuffily.“It’s…it’s…so—unexpected.”
“Whynot?”Iasked,withinterest.IwonderedhowmuchmymotheractuallyknewaboutHelen’sorientation.
“She’ssoflighty,”wasallmymomwouldsay.“Butatleastshegotheracttogetherintheend,unlikeyou.JustlastweekatAuntieLoh’sMahjongFriday—yourememberAuntieLoh,myhairdresserfromthenineties,theonewhoseservantranawaywithaBangladeshiman?”
“No.”Whydidmothersalwaysthinkthatiftheyrecitedrandomdetailsaboutapersonyou’dnevermetinyourlife,you’dsomehowmagicallyknowwhattheyweretalkingabout?
“No?Well,anyway,didyouknowthatheryoungestdaughter,Jo,who’syourage,isexpectingtwinsagain?”Heraccusatorytonesuggestedthatgettingpregnantwithtwinswasjustaseasyaswalkingintoasupermarketandpickingthemofftheshelf,ifIwouldjustgetdowntoit.
Imadeasuitablynoncommittalsound.
Aloudsighonthephone.“WeiLing,*ah,youhaveaniceface,nicebody,unlessyou’vegrownfatlikewhenyouwerestudyinginEngland,agoodcareer—sotellme,whyareyoustillsingle?Areyoutoobusyatwork?”Shepausedbeforesaying,“Doyouneedmetohelpyouinthatdepartment,maybesetupanotherblinddatewithsomeone’sson?Whatwaswrongwiththelastone,thatniceboy,Simon?”
Ishudderedattherecollectionoftheoneblinddatemymotherhadsetupformewiththesonofa“goodfriend”(bywhichshemeantsomerandoshehadmet,once,atchurch),justbeforeImetIvan.Simonwasalimpricenoodleofamanwhomadewhitenoiseseemexciting.“Pleasedonosuchthingunlessyouwantmetolightmyselfonfire,”Isaid.Tomyself.Outloud,Isaid,“Idon’tneedhelpmeetingmen,thanks.”
“I’llstartaskingaround,”shereplied,ignoringmecompletely,asusual.
“Ma!ItoldyouIhaveoptions.”
“Sowhat’stheproblem?Whyhaven’tyougottenseriouswithanyoneafterIvan?Areyoubeingtoopicky?Youmoderngirlswanttoomuch,that’stheproblemwiththisgeneration.Youdon’tknowhowtocompromise!”saidthewomanwhooncetoldmetodropaboyfriendincollegebecausehewas“onlyabiologyundergrad.”Sherantedoninthisveinwithgreatvigor.IgruntedoccasionallyasIletmyminddrift.Counterargumentswerecounterproductive—itwasbettertojustsitback,takeachillpill(sometimesliterally),andtuneout.Isetmypersonalphonedownonthebed,pulledmydowncomforteroverittomufflehervoice,tookoneofmyworkmobilesout,crunchedaValium,andlaunchedCandyCrush.
“…IwasalreadymarriedandpushingoutyoursisterwhenIwashalfyourage.IfyoufollowedmyadviceandlockeddownIvanyearsago,you’dbemarriedbynow!”
Igrunted.Itwasrichofmymothertotalkaboutmarriageorgivemeanyrelationshipadviceatall.TheyhaddivorcedwithdecidedacrimonywhenIwastwenty-two.Eventhoughmymotherhaddeignedtocareformyfatherwhenhewassickwithcancer,theyhaddonesobickeringtillthe(well,myfather’s)bitterend.That’swhathappenswhenyoumarryattwenty(thepeakofmymother’sphysicalattractiveness);theyswiftlyfoundoutthatasidefrombeingfromthesamesub-ethnicgroupandhavinggonetothesameuniversity,theyhadlittleelseincommon.Ironically,myfriends’parentswhohadmetthrougharrangedmarriageswerestillhappilymarried,voluntarilygoingoncruisevacationstogether,wheretheypartookincookingclasses,seniororgies,etc.
“Youreallyshouldtakemyadviceandfindaman.Everytimeyoudisobeyorignoremeanddoyourownthing,youalwaysendupregrettingit.There’sjustnosubstituteforlifeexperience.我食盐多过你食米.”*
This,dearDiary,isheranswertoeverything:she’seatenmoresaltinherlifethanI’veeatenrice,i.e.,shehasmorelifeexperiencethanmebyvirtueofbeingolder,henceIshoulddefertoherjudgmentinallmatters,atalltimes.
“Timeisrunningout,notjustforyou.I’minmysixties,asyouknow.I’mnotgettinganyyounger.”
Atremorenteredhervoice.“IfI’dbeenborninLaosorNorthKorea,I’dbedeadbynow.Evennowmybodyisbreakingdownfromallthemeniallaborbackinmyyouth.”
Justtobeclear:mymotherworkedasaclerkforajudgefortwoyears.That’stheonlyjobshehadbeforeshemarriedmyfatherandbecameahousewife.
“SometimesIwakeup,myheartandbonesaching,andIwonder—isthishowtheendlookslike?Dyingalone,inKualaLumpur—withoutamaid?Andnograndchildren?”
Quelemotionalblackmail!
Nowshehardenedhervoice.“I’masimplewoman,withsimpleneeds.AllIeverwantedinreturnforthesacrificesImadeformychildrenistheirlove,andgrandchildren.ButwhatdoIgetinstead?Awork-crazyelderdaughter,whojustsohappenstobemyfavoritechild,inSingaporethatIneverseeandtheotheronelivinginsinwiththat…that”—sheexhaledwithforce—“Malayboy.”
Samethingagain.ShewasreferringtoKamarulSiddiq,myyoungersisterMelissa’sMuslimboyfriend,abrilliantconservationarchitectinMalaysia,whommysisterhadneverbroughthomeforintroductionsbecausemymothercategoricallyrefusedtoaccepthim,whichwasacryingshamesinceMelissawasgoingtomarryhimanyway.
“AndhereIthoughtweweretalkingaboutmyovaries,”Isaid,attemptingtodefusethetension.
“Don’tbeblithe,”shesaid.“OneHalleBerrysuccessstoryandyouthinkit’sfinetodelayhavingchildren.Wait,wait,wait!Andthenonedayyouwakeupandyou’llfindthatyourwombhasbecomeaprune!Andyou’llbeallalone,you’llregret—”
Itookadeepbreathandendedthecallbeforeshecouldhearmedryheave.Luckily,Ihadmyinhalerathand.Thiswasanewdevelopmentinherapproachtomysinglehood;sheneverusedtobesodirectandsoaggressiveaboutit.Itusedtobegentle,theoccasionalearnestreminder:“Oh,wouldn’titbeniceifyou’dcomeoverfordinnerwiththatniceyoungmanofyours,Ivan?Doyouspendenoughtimewithhim?Workisnoteverythinginlife.”(ShecansaythatwithastraightfacebecauseI’mseniorenoughinmycareer.)Thentwoyearsagoshebegantogetpassive-aggressive—IcanstillseethetextsshesentafterImessagedhertowishherHappyMother’sDaylastyear:Thanks,butIcan’twaittillIstartgettingHappyGrandmother’sDaytexts!followedbyAuntieOng’sdaughterjustgavebirth.She’syoungerthanyou,isn’tshe?—buteventhatwasstilltolerable.Sincemythirty-thirdbirthdaylastDecember,however,thesituationhaddevolvedintooutrightbadgering.Forexample,beforeshe’dfoundoutthatIwassingleagain,sheusedtodemandthatIdragIvandowntotheregistryandjustsignthepapersfirstandplantheweddinglater.
Doesn’tshehaveanythingbettertodowithherfreetimethanfixateonherdaughter’slackofprospects?youask.Wouldn’tsheratherspendhergoldenyearsdiscoveringexcitingnewprescriptiondrugsorthecerebraldelightsofrealityTV?No,Diary,shewouldnot.Mymotherdoesn’thavetimeforleisure,orretirementforthatmatter—that’sforrichwhitepeople.Whenshe’snothustlingtosellsomemultilevel-marketingproductoftheday,she’sobsessingoverhowshewillmarrymeoff—thelastitemleftuncheckedonmymother’schecklistofLifeGoals(forme).Therestofthem,asestablishedalongtimeago(whenIwasanembryo,essentially),wereasfollows:
GotoaTopSchool(kindergarten/primaryschool/highschoolmustbeappropriatefeederschoolfortopuniversity)(done)
GotoaTopUniversity(done)
Becomeadoctor(specializingisverymuchencouraged),lawyer(attainingcounselorpartnerlevel),investmentbanker,oramillionaire(legitcurrenciesonly)businesswoman[thisgoaliswithinreach,sinceI’malawyerandamalreadyontrackforpartnership—onlyalittlewaystogotothetop!]
OwnapieceofpropertybythetimeIturnthirty-five(done—well,almost:onlytwenty-eightmoreyearsofmortgagepaymentstogo!)
Andtheonemyparentsthoughtwouldbetheeasiestformetoachieve,butinrealitywasanythingbut:
Getmarriedbythirty,soIcanreproduce,andtheviciouscyclecanbeginoncemore
BeforeshedecidedIwasnotmakingasmuchprogressasshe’dlikeonthemarriagefront,mymotherusedtoharponandonabouthowimportantcareerwas,howIhadtomakeasmuchmoneyasIcouldandbethebest.Then,assoonasIturnedtwenty-eight,hertunechangedcompletely.Nowitwasallaboutthemanandtheweddingandthebabies(inthisorder,ofcourse).HowifIwasn’tenroutetogettingsproggedupIwasbasicallyaningrate,thatIwasdispleasingmyancestors,eventhoseI’dnevermet.Nowmymotherwasall“focusonthefamily.”NotthatIdidn’tseeherpoint,ofcourse.
Yousee,mostAsiancountriesarenotwelfarestates;webasicallyneedthelittlemoppetsthatcomeafterustobesuccessfulsotheycaninturnfeedus.That’swhyfamilyissoimportantinmosttraditionalAsiancultures.
Iamoversimplifying,ofcourse.
Iknowwhatyou’rethinking:screwthat,youdon’thavetodothis.Youcanjustshakeitoffanddoyourownthing.Right?
Problemis,youcan’tjustshakeoffcenturiesofculturalmindfuckerythattellyouthatyouarenothingbutasandwormwithoutthebenevolenceandsacrificialloveofyourparents,whofedyourworthlesschildselfandmoldedyouintotheacceptable,ifnotexceptional,adultthatyouare,andthattheonlywayyoucaneverhopetorepaythemisifyoutakethehopesanddreamsyourparentshadforyouandgentlybutsurelystuffthemdownyourbrainhole,makethemyours,andrealizethem,orbetrayyourparentsandburninthespecialplaceinChineseHellforunfilialchildrenwhileeagerbutinefficientChinesedemonsdisembowelyouadinfinitum.
Andthat,myfriends,prettymuchsumsuptheconceptofFilialPiety.
Tobefair,it’snotasthoughfollowingherLifeGoalshadcausedmeharm.Infact,sofar,sogood.Iamdisruptingatraditionallymale-dominatedindustry.AndIdon’thatetheideaofmarriageandkids(toConfucianguilt-tripintotakingcareofmeinmyoldage,naturally).It’sjust—Ineedtimetoachievetheothergoalsfirst.IfSherylSandberg,unicornwoman,canhaveitall,socanI—albeitonamoremodestscale.
IjustneedastrategytofendoffmymombeforeImakepartner.Asidefrommatricide.3
Sunday14February
2:35p.m.TodayisDayWhichMustNotBeNamed(it’snocoincidenceitsharesthesamefirstletterwith“vomit”and“Voldemort”).Urgh.BoughtLindaherstupidchampagnebrunchtodayuponherinsistenceandpaidUrghDayprimoratesforit.Hatedeverysimperingcoupleinsight.ComfortedmyselfwiththethoughtthatoneoutofeverythreemarriagesinSingaporewillendindivorce.That’llteachthemtobelieveinlove.
AsagiftLindagotmethreeboxesofLaduréemacaronsandtoldmetogowild.Igotheracard(hey,shewasalreadygettingafreealcoholicbrunch).
Ididn’treceiveanyotherV-daypresentsasidefromLinda’s,unlessyoucountafive-dollare-couponfrommyfavoritepatisserie.Nocards,either,notevenananonymousone.TheonlyV-daytextsIgotwerefrommysisterandtwoofmyfemalecolleagues.TheonlywaythisdaycouldgetanysadderisifIgetonefrommymother.
4:45p.m.Gotanemailfrommymom.Sheonlysendsmeemailswhenshewantsapapertrailforherrecords(shedoesnottrustmessagingapps).Iopeneditwithtrepidation.
Itsaid:
HappyValentine’sDay,darling.YourememberAuntieMavis,myfriendfromchurch,right?HersonwenttoHarvardMedicalSchoolandisstillsingle.Shewouldlikeverymuchifthebothofyoucouldgettogetheroverdinnernextweek.ShouldIgiveheryournumber?
Ibrokeoutinhivesanddeletedthemessage.
5:05p.m.Speakingofthingsthatmakemebreakoutinhives,ItextedHelentoaskheroutforacoffee.Willcasuallyusetheoccasiontoaskherabouthershammarriage.ImightgleansomeusefulinformationthatIcanuselateron,whenIdestroyher.
6:08p.m.Helenjustreplied:
Iguessyou’veheardtheGoodNewslollol*confettiemoji*
TwoLOLs?Thesmugbitch.
Shesuggestedmeetingupthenextday,meaningshehadprobablybeensavoringthisgloatingsessionforsometime.Iagreed,eventhoughIhadtorescheduleacoupleofclientmeetings.Nothingismoreimportantthanfindingoutthetruth.
6:10p.m.Itakethatback,universe.Ofcoursemakingpartneriswaymoreimportant.
6:15p.m.JustsawHelen’sfiancé,Magnus,beinginterviewedonlocalnews.Apparently,he’ssomekindofIronManveteran.Thelensofthecameramanlingeredlovinglyonhissuperfitbody.Goddammit,whycouldn’thehaveaSpongeBobbody?Why?Why?
7:30p.m.TookacabtoOrchardRoadtobuymyselfanLVbagbecausenooneelsewillanditbeingaclassicmodelmeansitcantotallybeclassifiedasaninvestment,accordingtosomelisticle.
8:05p.m.LouisVuittonwaschock-fullofgleefulshoppers,andagoddamnqueueofsoullessconsumers.
8:30p.m.Leftthequeueindisgust.
8:55p.m.BoughtEarlGreyandlavenderbuttercreamcakefromthekind,e-coupon-givingpatisserie.
10:10p.m.Decidedtodrink.Discoveredabottleofvodkainthefreezer.Well,maybe“discovered”isnotquitetherightwordhere.
11:25p.m.TookTuppiout.Discoveredbatterieswereflat.Toolazytogothemanualway.WatchedTheWalkingDeadinstead.
2:20a.m.WokeupdisorientedanddistressedfromtherecurringnightmareoftakingmyexamsandgettingaBoneverypaperandhavingtoexplainmyselftomyveryunimpressedmother.Hadtocalmmyselfbyfocusingmygazeontheframedfirst-classhonorsdegreehangingonmywallasmyself-worthslowlyregenerated.Tomorrowisanewday.
Monday15February
7:10a.m.IsitMondayalready?Urgh,backtowork.WishIwasoneofthosehipchildrenwhoworksforacoolcompanywithbeanbags,beerpong,andprescriptiondrugs,butI’mnot.Ihavetoactuallyworkforalivinginacrappyjobliketherestoftheworld,using80percentofmywakinghourstoekeoutalivingjustsoIcanenjoywhat’sleftofmyweekfortheremaining20percentandnotbehomeless.UnlikeLinda,whoseparentsareloadedandintentonspoilinghertomakeupfortheirabsenteeismduringherformativeyears,myparentsaremiddleclassandfromthe“I’ve-raised-you-till-the-legal-drinking-age-now-please-fuck-off-and-let-me-die-in-peace”school.
7:45a.m.Rushhour.IplungedblindlyintoaseethingmassofcommuterstryingtoboardtheMRT.*Managedtosqueezeintoacarriagebyvirtueofelbowingsomeoneintheboobs,andnowshe’sleftontheplatform,fuming.Well,shecancomfortherselfthatitwasn’tmolestation.
7:50a.m.Ah,shit.Amnowcrotch-to-shlongwithapoker-facedblondcyborgincyclinggearsotightIcouldseeinsidehim.IfthetrainmakesanemergencystopIwillfallpregnant.ItisnotthewayIwishtogoaboutit,sohaveplacedanexpensivehandbagbetweenusasamakeshiftcondom.Sorry,Prada.
Amtryingtothinkhappythoughtsbutfailing.Hateeveryoneinsightwhomanagedtoscoreaseat,eventheyoungmotherinasundresscarryingatoddler.Especiallytheyoungmotherinasundresscarryingatoddler.Woman,ifyou’renotrushingtowork,whytakeuprush-hourspace?
Somepeoplearesoselfish,rubbingtheirhappinessinotherpeople’sfaces.
8:10a.m.ArrivedatthelawfirmwhereIwillsoonbecomepartner,Singh,Lowe&Davidson.Ourofficeisjustaneight-minutestrollfromtheRafflesPlaceMRTstation.We’djustrelocatedtothisspanking-newbuildingtwomonthsago,asbefittingourambitiousexpansionplanintheregion.Isteppedpasttheplush-carpetedlobbywithitssoftlighting,minimalistartwork,framedportraitsofthefoundingandseniorpartners,andhotreceptionist,andenteredtherealoffice,whatwecalledthe“Chumpit,”whichhaditsown,lessglitzyentranceawayfromthecarpetedlobby.That’swheretherealbowelsoftheofficebegan:morethanninetylawyerswerespreadoutovertwofloorsinopen-concept,juniorassociates’hell,exceptforthefewofusthathadenoughsenioritytoshareproperofficesuntiltheyfinishrenovatingthefloorupstairsforthenewpartners,counsels,andseniorassociates(thecurrentpartnershavetheirownoffices,ofcourse).
Luckilyforme,Iwasoneofthepeoplewhoactuallyhadanoffice,anofficeIwasnowattemptingtosneakinto,becauseIwastenminuteslate,eventhoughtechnicallyworkstartsatninebutnineisforunambitiouslosersandIamnotanunambitiousloserbutanambitious,no-holds-barredloser—Imean,winner.
“Morning,Andrea,”announcedmyofficemate,SureshAditparan,atadecibelloudenoughtowaketheundead.
IscowledatSuresh,whohadprobablyarrivedathisdeskjustafewminutesearlierthanIhad,becausehiscomputerscreenwastellinglyblankandbeadsofsweatcoaxedbytheunforgivingSingaporeansunwerecoursingdownhistemples.Unluckilyforme,forthepastnineworkingdaysI’vebeensharingmyofficewithSuresh,ahotshotM&Aseniorassociatewho’sBritishwithsomeSingaporeanroots(aSingaporeanIndianmom,myPAtellsme).
“Morning,Subhan,Imean,Suresh,”Isaid,purposelydismissiveinaretaliatoryPowerMove.
WebothturnedonourcomputersandproceededtoPowerTypewiththevigorof(youngish)peoplewhohadnothadsexinaverylongtime(longerinmycasethanhis,I’dimagine,butstill).
Sureshjoinedthefirmfiveyearsago,buthadbeenbasedinLondonandformostofthelastthreeyearswastheSingapore-Londondeskrepforthelawfirm(inpartduetotheinterestinSingapore/HongKong/SoutheastAsiafromEurope,theincreasingcross-continentalinvestmentandbusinessrelationsbetweenthesecontinentsintheclientswerepresent,andthebraggingrightsinhavingaswishLondonaddress,elevatingtheoverallprestigeofthefirm,that’smyguess).He’djustreturnedtoSingaporeatthestartoftheyearandwasnowmyLittleBuddy(management’snewpairingstrategytoencouragequickerintegrationof“new”joinersintothesystem,andalsotoorienttheminthenewoffice).
Idon’tlikesharingtheofficewithSuresh,eventhoughhesmellslikecinnamon.Hehasahabitofsayingannoyinglyposhthingslike“loo,”andhe’stallandconventionally,boringlyattractive(golden-brownskinthatwillturnashyifnotmoisturized,hazeleyesframedwithsuchthickeyelasheshe’lldefinitelyhavedroopyeyelidsoneday,arakishmopofsilkyblackhairthatwillmostlikelynevermakeitpasthisforties,and,ifI’mheldatgunpoint,arugbyplayerphysique,butonlylikeaso-sorugbyplayerwhosefavoritefoodistacos),sonowIhavefemalevisitorstotheofficeIneverhadbefore,suchasmynemesis,GenevievePoo,Imean,Beh.
Genevieveisoneofthosewomenwho’sjustperfect.Notbecauseshe’sstunning—she’snot,butshe’sverywell-manicured,andisalwaysclotheshorsinglustworthydesignerthreads.Herfamilyispedigreed—heruncleonherfather’ssideisaformerministerofforeignaffairs,hermother’sfamilyarepoliticallyconnectedChinese.ShespeaksperfectMandarin,fluentJapanese,andbusinessKorean,asidefromEnglish.AndshewenttoCambridge,thenHarvardLaw.Ontopofitshe’smarriedandhastwochildren,withanotherontheway—that’swhatshedoeswhenshewasnotputtingmedowninfrontofothersandtryingtostealmyfiles:shereproduces.Herhusband,JonathanBeh,asuccessfulrealestatemultimillionaire,seemstoexistsolelytogiftherwithHermèsbagsandimpregnateher(notnecessarilyatthesametimeorinthatorder)—big,plannedfamiliesaretrendystatussymbolsthesedays.TheonlythingthatmademefeelslightlysuperiortoherwasthefactthatshewasstillaseniorassociatedespitehavingworkedatthefirmforlongerthanIhave,possiblybecauseshewasalwaystakingmaternityleave.Servesherright.
Anyway,asIwassayingaboutSuresh:Idon’ttrusthim.Helookslikehecleansbetweenhistoes.Everyday.
Moreimportant,Sureshwasapotentialthreattomycareeradvancement,sincewehadaboutthesameamountofexperienceandseniority,andwewerebothonthesameteamworkingunderMong.Mong(shortforTohSimMong)wasoneoftheseniorpartnersatourfirmandourboss.HewasalegendaryM&Alawyeranditwasmydearestwishtobejustlikehim,minusthedivorceandthekidshehadfatheredbutwhoknewhimnot.Typically,onlyoneseniorassociateperdepartmentwaspromotedeachyear,hencewhyIwaskeepingaverycloseeyeonSuresh’smanicuredpaws.Sureshhadjustthatbitmoreexperienceoncross-continentaldeals(especiallywithEuropeanjurisdictions)thanIdid,andbecauseofthishe’dbeentaskedwithservicingsomeofmylargerclientssuchasSungguhCapitalandPohGuanIndustriesassupport,butIhavetheadvantageofhavingsquattedinSingaporelongerthanhim,andbeingapermanentresidentinSingaporemakesmeamoreattractivecandidatetopromote.
Nonetheless,he’sstillaformidablethreat.Ispendalotofmytimeglaringathimwhenhe’snotlooking(ourdesksarefacingeachother’s).GoddamnForeignTalent,*cominghereandstealingjobsfromlocals.
AtnopointduringthistrainofthoughtdidIfinditironicthatIwasaForeignTalentmyself.
Sureshdidhaveoneidentifiableweakness:hewasgettingmarried.Hispartnerwasathird-generationBritish-Indianob-gyn.Kai,myPA/trustyspyandconfidante,whoseservicesIunfortunatelyhadtosharewithSureshfornow,toldmethattheywerebetrothed.IknowwhySureshiskeepingmumonhisupcomingnuptials.He’safraidthatpeopleatworkwouldstartexpectingthathewasgoingtoimpregnatehisfiancéesoonerratherthanlater,evenifshewascurrentlystillintheUKwithnodefinitiveplanstomoveover.Thennobodywillpromotehim.
Itmakesnodifferencetomepersonallywhetherheissingleandavailable,ornot.Evenifheweresingle,Sureshisforbiddenfruit.
MostChineseparents,nomatterwheretheyareintheworld,wanttheirkidstobringhomeamateof:
Chineseethnicity(trade-offsaretoleratedinsomefamilies,butrare—however,likelihoodofacceptanceincreasesinverselythelongertheerrantoffspringinquestionremainssingle)
Highearningcapacityand/orwealth:MDorsimilar(Lawyer,InvestmentBanker,Consultant*).Otherwise,beingarichandsuccessfulentrepreneurisalsoacceptable;legitroyaltyis,ofcourse,welcome
Compatiblereligiousfaith(which,unfortunately,tendstomeannon-Muslim,astheIslamicfaithencompassesculturalpractices,customs,andbeliefsdeemedincompatibleoratoddswithourtraditionsandculturalpractices).
Goodfamilybackground:nebulous,butusuallylinkedtosocialstatusandwealth.
Compatiblevaluesorthe“NiceGuy”catch-all:Chineseparentspreferconservative,traditionalmates,believingthatsuchmatesalsosubscribetovalueslikefilialpiety,whichcanonlybenefitthem;soifyou’rerockingstuddedsneakers,wreathedindragontattoos,and/orbelievethatelderlyretirementhomesareacceptablerestingplacesforyourparents/in-laws,wellgoodbye,myfriend.
Despitepossessingallotherdesirablequalities,Sureshfailsthefirstandpossiblythethirdcriteria.Anyway,notthatitmatters.Sureshistaken.Andit’snotlikeI’mattractedtohim.
Alsothisismyyeartoshine.Thisismyyeartomakepartner,andeverythingelsemustcomesecond.Onlythen,ifallgoeswell,maybeI’llbeatHairyHelentothehitchingpostsomehow.
3:40p.m.Dashedoutfora“clientmeeting,”butinrealityamhavingcoffeeinachiccaféatOneFullertonwithHelen.
3:55p.m.ArrivedfiveminuteslatebutofcourseHelenwasnotthere.Urgh.PowerMove.We’llseewhopaysthecheck.
4:25p.m.Helenmadeanappearancealmosttwentyminuteslate,justasIwasreallystartingtostew,slidingintomyboothwithoutawhiffofapology.Shelookedpolishedinalong-sleevedblackboxytop,blackjeans,anavyblueChanel2.55,andtonsofdesignerbling,herhairaverycutepixiecutwithasilverombréeffect.Weair-kissedeachotherandexchangedperfunctorypleasantries.
“WTF,”Isaid/askedwhenwewereseated.
“Soyou’veheardabouttheweddingandyou’redyingtoknowwhatgives,amIright?”shepurred.Sheliftedanarmlazily,flashingahugeyellowdiamondringthatmightalsobeaweapon,andawaitermaterializedsofastwithmenusitwasasthoughhe’dbeenstandingtherethewholetime,whichofcoursehehadn’tbeen,seeingasI’dnotbeenserved.Lindatellsmeit’sbecauseIdon’tgiveoffthe“I-will-tip-you-despite-being-Asian”vibe—i.e.,Ilookcheap.
“Yes,prayexplain,andingenerousdetail.”
Shelaughed.“Letmegetmycoffeefirst.Whatwouldyoulike?”
Shesneeredatmychoice(“Cappuccinoafterteninthemorning?Whatareyou,apeasant?”),orderingtwodoubleespressosinstead.TypicalbossyHelen.
IsmiledwithasmuchnonchalanceasIcouldfake.“So,whyareyougettingmarried,andinaheteromarriagenoless?Ithoughtyouwereholdingouttillgaymarriagewaslegalizedhere.Whathappenedtoyourprinciples?”
Shegiggled.“Youaresojealous,youshouldseeyourface.Idon’tevenhavethehearttoteaseyou,youpoor,poorthing.”WhenIdidn’tslapher(notbecauseIdidn’twanttobutbecauseIsawoneofthepartnersinmylawfirmqueuingforcoffee),shesighedandsteepledherhands.“Seriouslythough,woman,youknowIlivelarge,right?”
Irolledmyeyes.“Quite,”gesturingtoherarmfulofdiamondLovebraceletsandRichardMillewatchoftheday.
Helennoddedgrimly.“Well,MummytoldmethatifIdidn’tgethitched—toamanobviously,thisisSingapore—bythetimeI’mforty,shewouldturnoffthemoneytap.Andshewouldthrowmeoutofthehouseandtakemeoutofherwill.Isn’tthatinsane?Heronlydaughter!Asifanyoftheothermoney-grubbingTangsareworthy.”
WhenIdidn’trisetothebait,shecontinued.“Ihadtoactfastafterthatultimatum,soIfoundmyselfawillingfish.I’llbedamnedifIhavetostartbuyingZaraclothesbydefaultinsteadofironically.Youmightaswelljusttossmeintoameatgrinderandcallitaday.”
Ipressedmylipstogetherinathinsmile—Zarawasmygo-toapparelstore.“Ittookyourmomthislongtothreatentocutyouoff?”
Helenshrugged.“Oh,she’sthreatenedbefore,twice,butshe’dneverbroughtupdisinheritingme.Thistimeshemeantbusiness.Herlawyerwasthereandeverything.”Shebrushedinvisiblelintoffherwatchandflickedaslylookatme.“Youknowshe’lltakeyououtofthewill,too,ifyou’resingle.AlltheTangsofourgenerationhavetobemarriedtoinherit.Andtrustme,you’llwanttobeinthatwill.”
Iswallowedandfeltfaint.DidI!I’dneverhavetoworkagain.Asformytinycreditcarddebtsituation…
Tosteadymystaccatoheartbeat,Idugmynailsintomypalmsandchangedthesubject.“Sotellme:isMagnusstraight?”
“Yup!”Helensaidcheerfully.“Straightasanarrow.”
“Ishe…isheawareofyoursexualorientation?”
Helengiggled.“Please,Magnuswasn’tbornyesterday.Ofcourseheis!Don’tfeeltoosorryforhimthough:hegetstomoveintoLeGrandMaisonTanginBukitTimah,hegetsanoutsizeallowanceandaccesstothefamilypoolofluxurycars,andanyway,IhavethiswholeopenmarriagearrangementwithMagnusandwehaveaprenup,sobothofuswillbefine.”Shewinked.“Buthey,thethingsthatprivatebankerswoulddotokeeptheirtopclients,eh?”
“He’syourprivatebanker?”Igasped
Helennodded.“Yup,he’sbeenmanagingmymoneyforyears.That’showIgottoknowhim.”
“Howisthisethical?”Isaid,scandalized,realizinghownaiveIsoundedassoonasI’dfinished.
“Well,it’snotlikeI’mforcinghimtomarryme.He’saconsentingadult.”Sherolledhereyesandleanedforwardtograspmyhand.“You’restillsingleafterIvan,aren’tyou,poordear?”
Iglaredather.“Yes.”
“Areyoustillwaitingforyourknightinshiningarmor?”shesaidmockingly.That’stheproblemwithfamily:theyknowallyoursorespots.
“Nope.I’mnotlooking,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.
Sheheldupherhandsinmocksurrender.“Chill,IjustthoughtmaybeIcouldoffersomeadvicetobeatthesystem,whichisstillriggedagainstuswomen,unfortunately.”Shegesturedtoapassingwaiterforthebill.“Look,evenifyou’rehappybeingsingle,itisverypracticalatouragetofindapartner—there’ssecurityandcomfortinhavingsomeonearound,especiallyiftheyareyourequal.Sowhynot?Itdoesn’thavetobetheOne,la-di-da—we’repastthatbollocks.Mymotherhadanarrangedmarriage,anddidn’tthatworkoutfineforher!Andyourparentshadalovemarriagethatwentbelly-upintheend,didn’tthey?”
Igrunted.
“Mypointis,waitingaroundfortheOneisnotsoundinvestmentadvice,sowhynottrytobemoretransactionallikeme?ThinkBigPicture.AlsoeveryoneknowsthatinAsia,beingmarriedgivesyouextracachet.Singlewomeninthispartoftheworldcanbeslayersandstillnotcommandtherespecttheydeserve.Ishouldknow.”Shesighed.“Itreallyisthesmartthingtodoifyouwantyourmotherandtheworldoffyourback.Takemyadvice,Andrea:bepragmaticandshopforaman.Youcanstillbeahotshotcareerwomanlikeme,butatleastyou’llcoverallyourbases.”
“Youmakesomeinterestingpoints.IfonlyIhadyourmoney,”Isaid,oneeyeonpassingservers,onehandonmywallet.
Sheshrugged.“Honey,therearetonsofsolidmenouttherewhoarelookingforagoodcompanion.Youjustneedtobeintentionalandgetprofessionalhelpifnecessary.Beopen-mindedandtheuniversewillprovide.Oh,bytheway”—asilvery,fakelaugh—“putyourgrubbypawsaway,oldgirl,it’smylittletreat.Igavethemmycardonmywayin.”
—
ItookmytimetogetbacktoworkafterHelen’sgloatingsession,meanderingalongthepristineSingaporeRiverandwatchingpeopleeyeitlonginglyafteralongdayofpointlesswork(Iknowthatlookwell).Maybeshewasright.MaybeIwasapproachingloveandrelationshipsallwrong,ascribingfoolishromanticnotionstowhatwasessentiallyaveryquantifiablecommodity.MaybeIshouldtakealeafoutofherbookandjustfindsomeoneGoodEnough.Itwas,afterall,averyChinesewaytogoaboutthings.IfIcutdownonnonessentialactivities,likeexercise,Icouldmaybecarveoutsometimetomanagethisaspectofmylife.Embracetechnology;usetheplatforms,apps,whatever.ThesearchforaGoodEnoughFellawouldsurelybeabreezeifIhadaverytargeted,simplecriteriaforasuitablematch.
6:10p.m.Backatmydesk.HavenoworkbutmustoutlastSureshintimeloggedintheoffice.EmailedLindaaboutconvowithHelen.LindaisfullofadmirationforHelen.Apparently,thereisasimilararrangementchezReyeswithPapa.Linda,whoclaimstohaveneverfalleninlove,thinksHelenisontherighttrack,butshe’sadamantthatitwouldneverworkformebecauseI’ma“bigsapwithunrealisticexpectationswhenitcomestolove.”Well,peoplecanchange.
11:45p.m.Backhome.HadtowaittillSureshgaveupandlefttheoffice.Iwin!
12:55a.m.Havemadeadecision.AsidefromthefactIstandtoloseachanceatinheriting,Idon’twanttobetheoddunmarriedoneofmygeneration.It’sverymuchastatusthing.IfHelen,who’sthedefinitionofunconventional(shehastakenworksabbaticals,plural,onavoluntarybasis!),isbowingdowntosocialconventionsandgettingmarried,whyshouldIbeanydifferent?Ifyoucan’tbeatthem—join’em.
Thatbeingsaid,theprospectofrejoiningthedatingpoolisabitunnerving.Imean,haveyouseensomeofthemenoutthere?Gross.
TheotherdayIsawamaninhislatetwenties,agood-lookingguyinanimmaculatelytailoredshirtanddarkgraytrousers,placinghisicedkopiinnotone,buttwosmallplasticbags,beforedaintilycarryingthebagsbythehandlesawayfromhispants.Ifollowedhim,whichisatotallylegitreaction.Hewalkedagrandtotalof150meters,thenheliftedhisdrinkoutoftheplasticbagsandthrewthemintoatrashbinoutsidehisofficeblock.
YouseewhatI’mdealingwith?
I’mnotsayingIamflawless.Iamnot.Ibinge-watchtrashTV.I’veeatencerealfordinner,afterhavingitforbreakfastandlunchthesameday.Andjustlastweek,inordertoshavepreciousminutesofpreptimebeforework,Idumpedsometalcontotherootsofmyunwashed(forthesecondday)hair,pulleditintoan“elegant”knot,washedmygreasetrapofafringe,blow-driedsaidfringe,andcalledmyselffittoshowupassuchtowork.AndIdid.Itwasnotmyfirsttimedoingtheol’Just-Wash-Your-Fringe-in-a-Pinchroutine.ButatleastbybeingalittlelaxwithmypersonalcareIsavedwater.What’sMr.Turtle-Killer’sexcuse?
IknowitsoundslikeI’mmakingexcusessoIdon’thavetoputmyselfoutthere.Iam.I’dbeentogetherwithmyex,Ivan,foralittleoverfiveyearsafterall.That’smorethanasixthofmylife.Thebreakupreallyaffectedme,eventhoughsomewherealongthelinewejustkindofdriftedapartandweeventuallydecided,afteramature,calmdiscussionwherenothingwasbrokenorhurledatthewall,thatwehadtoConsciouslyUncouple.
That’stheofficialversionofthestory,anyway.
IvanandImetduringmyfirstyearinSingaporeataMalaysians-working-in-Singaporemixer.Someonehadintroducedus,whichwasagoodthingsinceIwasnotpronetostrikingupconversationswithrandommen,especiallyattractiveandarticulateoneslikeIvan,whowasworkinginaprivateequityfirm.MenlikeIvanseemedtofavoracertaintypethatIwasn’t:models.Yettwentyminutesafterbeingintroducedhewasstillflatteringmewithhisundividedattention.
IdecidedthatifhewasstilltalkingtomethenmaybeIshouldtrytomakerealconversation.Iwasintriguedbyhim,beyondhisqualifications(he’dworkedforsixyearsinLondonwithLazardaftergraduatingfromImperialCollegewithafirst-classdegreeinfinance,andwasnowVPatWarburgPincus—yes,he’dcasuallymentionedthis,justasI’dcasuallymentionedmyownqualifications.WelcometoAsianSpeed-Dating101.)Therewasjustsomethingmagneticabouthisconfidence.Heknewwherehewasgoinginlife,helovedwhathewasdoing,andhewasperformingatthehighestechelon.Ivanwasinspirational,aspirational.IfeltlikeI’dmetmymatch,akindredspirit.
IwassocomfortablearoundhimthatwhenheaskedmewhatbroughtmebackfromLondon,whereIhadbeenworkingasasolicitoratSlaughter&May,Itoldhim.
“Mydadpassedawaytwoyearsago,andmymotherhasn’tbeenthesamesincethen.Herhealthisn’tgood;shehadamentalbreakdown,justwentintothistotalfuguestateforweeksandscaredthecrapoutofme.Icouldn’tleaveheralone,andmysisterwasunreachable,takingagapyearinSouthAmerica.”IrolledmyeyestoshowhowsillyIthoughttheconceptofagapyearwas.Icouldtellhewasexactlythekindofpersonwhowouldgetit.
“Oh,”hesaid,lookingdiscomfited,“I’msorrytohearthat.Weretheyveryclose?”
Ilaughed.“Hardly.Maybenever.Myparentsare,were,divorcedandtheypartedonterribleterms.Theywerealwaysfighting,butmymotherwasstilldevastatedwhensheheardabouthispassing.Ifigurethatyoucanonlyhatesomeonesomuchifyouhadoncelovedtheminequalmeasure.”
Hesighed.“Iwishmyparentsweredivorced.Alltheydoisfightwhenthey’reinthesameroom,ontherareoccasionwhentheyleavetheoperatingtheatertoseeeachotherandtheiroffspring.”Heknockedbacktherestofhisdrinkandwinced.“Ithinktheyloveme,butwhatdoIknow?”
Ithinkthatsealedthedealforme,rightthenandthere—thefactthathisparentsbarelycommunicatedwithhim.Score!
Naturally,whenheaskedformynumberattheendofthenight,Isaidyes.HewasverymuchthetypeofmanthatanyChineseparentwouldapproveof,withhisclean-cutlooks,impeccablemanners,solidcareerprospects,goodfamily,andlegitChineseancestry.Onpaper,IvanLimwasprimafacieperfectboyfriend,evenhusband,material.
Onpaper.
Anyway,asIwassaying,Iamverybadwithmen.Andnow,apparentlyeveryonewho’ssinglewasOnTheApps.Linda,forone,hadbeenurgingmetotrythemforsometimesincetheBreakup.
MaybeIshouldjustdoit.WhatdidIhavetolose?Howhardcoulditbe?Imean,IuseLinkedIn,andisn’tthatagoddamnminefield?
IstoppedplayingCandyCrushironicallyanddownloadedSponk,sinceitwasthelatest,hencethebest.LikeHappn,whichIcategoricallyrefusetousebecauseofitsspelling,ituseslocation-basedtechnologytosomethingsomethingtechy,onlywithwaymoreprecisionandreal-timeblah-blah:it’sallverystalker-friendlyand,moreimportant,time-saving,sinceyoucanmeetimmediatelyonceyou’rematched,likewhenpeopleusedtomeetIRLinbarsbutwithoutthedifficultdecodingofbodylanguage.
Whenthetimecomes,whichwillprobablybenextquarter,sinceIhaveacoupleofnastyclosingstodealwithsoon,IjusthavetolaunchitinacrowdedareaanditwillsendoutaWinkyBatSignalofsomesort.OrmaybelaterinQ3thisyear.Norush.AlthoughIshouldprobablysetupmyprofile.EverygoodChineseknowstheproverb:digyourwellbeforeyouarethirsty.
WithintenminutesIhaduploadedmyLinkedInprofilephoto(veryappropriateandprofessional,givingoutthebestvibestofuturehusband,whowillbefromIvyLeagueoratleastnationaltoptenuniversity)andcreatedasuccinct,well-craftedsummaryofmypersonalityandachievements,especiallymyrecentinclusioninSingaporeBusinessReview’s“40MostInfluentialLawyersUnder40,”whichisalistevenHelencouldn’tbuyherwayonto.
WhenIwasfinishedIreadoutloudthisgleamingmanifestotomydesirability.Icouldn’tbelievenooneelsewasusingtheirLinkedInprofileondatingsites,especiallyhereinAsia.Whatanoversight.Icouldn’twaittobeoverwhelmedwithrequeststobeSponked.4
Wednesday17February
2:05p.m.Workedthroughlunch.Norespitefromtheflurryofemails,eachtitled“URGENT”withavaryingnumberofexclamationmarksappended,eachforadifferentclosingscheduledinthenexttwoweeks.CannotaffordtodashoutandgrabsandwichbutmusteatasstomachisnowemittingweirdhobbitgrowlsthatelicitchucklesfromSuresh,whohasordered
Ooh.WhatsAppmessagefromLinda.Isurreptitiouslygrabbedmyphoneandtriedtoreaditunderabinderofcasenotes.
Linda:
LadiesnightatLittleGreenAliens.Upforit?
Itypedback:
Whoelseiscoming?
Linda:
Justyou,me,Bentheinvestmentbanker,FilipinoJason,andValeriefromtheartgallery
Wheneverlawyershangoutwithnon-lawyers,theyfeelcompelledtofleshoutdetailsofsaidnon-lawyers’occupations,inthemannerofsomeonedescribingarare,exoticanimal.
Me:
Cool.Amin.CUdere.
Staredatsentencebeforeretypingittoread:
Seeyouthere.
Feltveryold.
—
Thefiveofus—Linda,BenWallich,ValerieGomez,JasonSyGarcia,andI—metafterworkatLittleGreenAlien,oneofthoserarenightswhenI’moutoftheofficeby7:30p.m.,surprisingevenSuresh.Beingsupercompetitive,bothSureshandIarefacingoffinanescalatingOfficeFace-TimeBattle,wherewestayatworkwaylongerthannecessarywithnotaskstocompleteexcepttoscoreBrowniepointswithourownoverworkedandunhappyboss.IthinkIhaveagoodleadoverhim,though,sincehehasaterriblefuturedeficittomakeupforinhisFace-TimePiggyBank—KaitoldmehehadappliedfortwoweeksofleavethisSeptembersohecanstartscoutingforlocationsforhiswedding,slatedfornextAugust.Whichmeanshemustbilllikecrazythenexttwoquartersifhewantstobeatmeforthisfinancialyear.Ha!Serveshimrightforgettingmarriedandhavingsomeonewholoveshim!
LGAwasoneofthosehipster“secret”speakeasycocktailbarswithmixologistssosanguinelyyouthfulthatyoustartexpressingbreastmilkatthesightofthem.Lindawasfondofexpensivedesignercocktailswithexoticingredients,whichobviouslycostalotofmoney,butsinceshewasabletoafforditanddoesn’tmindextendingthatprivilegetoallofus,wegraciouslyallowhertoplyuswithdrinks.MondaynightatLGAmeanttwo-for-onecocktails,anddespitethefactthatIhadaclosinginfourdays,Iwasdowningthemliketherewasnotomorrow.BythesecondroundevenI,withmyhardenedlawyer’sliver,wasfeelingapleasant,will-snog-anyone-who-asks-mehigh.Well,anyoneexceptthemaninthesuitovertherewiththesausagelips.Orhisfriendwiththeoilycomb-over.Realitycanbesuchaliteralbuzzkill.
“Challengefortoday:namethemostunfortunateadoptedEnglishnamesyouhaveevercomeacross,”Jasonwassaying.“Winnergetsacocktailonme.”
JasonwasLinda’sfriend,aparalegal,andoneofthesixJasonsweknew.IfIrecallcorrectly,Ithinkshewentintoagymonedayandchattedwithhimatthedrinkingfountain,andhegraftedhimselfontoheronthewayoutandneverreallyleft;shehadthateffectonmen,especiallygaymen.Todistinguishhimfromtherest,somehowinsteadofcallinghim“ParalegalJason”wewentwith“FilipinoJason”andnowit’stoolateandithasstuckasaratherunfortunatenickname(although“ParalegalJason”wasperhapsworse,allthingsconsidered—IamquotingLindahere).He’squiteabityoungerandsingle,whichissurprisingconsideringthathe’sgorgeous,charming,cultured,andverywellput-togetherintheveinofaKendolloroneoftheleadsfromSuits,allleanMuayThaimusclesandbeautifullytailoredclothes.Lindatheorizedthathe’sgayorasexualsincewomenareroutinelythrowingthemselvesathimandgettingrebuffed,butthegroupasawholeisgivinghimthespacetotellusinhisowntime,ornever—we’renotfussed.
“SyphilisTan!”Lindashouted,unconcernedwithdecorum.
Isnorted.“Urbanlegend,surely.”
“I’mdeadserious.MyfriendfromHongKongtaughtanESLstudentwiththatveryname.”
Jasonshrugged.“Meh.Next.”
“ColleagueinShanghaioncetoldmeaboutaMilkyChin,”saidBen,anotherdrinkingbuddyofourswhoflirtedwithLindasoshamelesslythatitwasamusing.BenwasWelsh,mousy-haired,bug-eyed,andapartnerinalargeinvestmentbank;hewasalittlebizarreonmostdays,eagerashewastodiscussconspiracytheoriesoneverysubjectunderthe
“Ouch,poorwoman,”Jasonsaid.
“MilkyChinbelongedtoaguy,oioioi!”Bensaid.
Jasongroaned.“Thatisagoodone,I’llgiveyouthat.Benisinthelead!”
“I’veseenTeorembeingused,”ValerieGomezsaid.“AndGemini!”
“RefrigeratorChan,”Lindasaid,hereyesbulgingincompetition.
“I’vegotone,”Valeriecried.“IvannaWang.”
“Nowyou’rejustmakingshitup,”Jasonsaid.
“LikehellIam,”Valeriesaid,indignant.Orasmuchasshecouldshowindignity.Valerie,whoisSingaporeanandofPeranakan-Indiandescent,wasinherforties(we’reguessing—herrealageremainsamysteryastightlyguardedastheVaticansecretarchives);hermaingoalinlifewastolooklikeatwenty-five-year-old,somethingshemanagedtodoonlyunderdim,hipstercocktailbarlighting,whichwaspreciselythekindLGAhad.ThewomanwasmorethanatadaddictedtoBotoxandfillers.AccordingtoLinda,Valerie’smomwasaformerbeautyqueenandValeriehadbeenraisedtothinkthatbeautywastobeworshippedaboveall,inwomenandmen.Otherthanthat,shewasafunpersontohangoutwith,thoughI’dforbiddenLindafrominvitingheralongforanyofourdaylightjaunts;itwouldbetootraumatizing,likefindingoutthepopstaryouidolizedinyourteenshasbecomeagrandmother.“Iswearitonmymother’slife.”
“Pleasedon’t,”Jasonsaid,wincing.Catholicandhalf-Chinese,Jasonwasextremelysuperstitious.
“OK,fine,onmyfuturechildren’slives,”Valeriesaidgamely.
Thegrouppretendednottohearthis.ItgotawkwardwhenValeriesaidthingslikethis.ShewassoexcitedwhenFannWong,alocalcelebrity,conceivedafterforty,andwashappierthanadogwithtwotailswhenshefoundoutSophieB.Hawkinshadachildatagefifty.ThewayValeriesawit,thismeantthatitwasentirelypossiblethatshewouldbeabletoreplicatethatresult.Itwasoptimisminitspurestform—thescary,untethered-to-realitykind.Thekindthatcanmakeyouagooddictator.
Nothavingaverygoodpokerface,Imademyexcusesandfled.Asismyfate,thequeuetothesingle,unisextoiletwassevendeepandallfemale.ThankgoodnessIalwaysgavemyselfsome“wee-way”(yes,Iknow,Iwentthere).Islumpedagainstthewall,pulledoutmyphone,andlaunchedSponk,justtoseewhowasaround.Iscrolledthroughtheavailableprofiles,choseafewnon-serial-killer-lookingtypeswithoutexpectingresults,thengrewboredandbegantoplayCandyCrush,which,bytheway,Iaminnowayaddictedto.
“Doyoucomehereoften?”someonesaid,startlingmebeforeIcouldfinishalevel.
Ilookedup,annoyed,tofindayoungmansmilingatme.Thisishowyouknowyou’reold:whenyouseeanyoneyoungerthanyouandyouthink“thisyoung*expletive*”insteadofthestandardadjective-freeform.Thinkingthathehadmistakenmeforsomeoneelse,Iscowledandsaid,“I’msorry?”
“Oh,s-sorry,”thepoorsodstammered.“Ijustmeant—Imean,Ijust…Imean,er,weSponked?”
Ilookeddownatmyscreenandtherehewas,mySponkpartner.Ifroze.Ihadn’tactuallythoughtitwouldhappensoquickly.
Hegatheredhimselfandpointedatthequeue.“Doyoucomehereoften?”heblurtedagain.
Iraisedmyeyebrow.“Youmean,doIgotothetoiletoften?”Ididn’tbotherloweringmyvoice.Severalwomensnickered.
“Ah,”saidtheboy,becausethat’swhathewas,asleek,sparklyeyedkidwholookedlikehe’dbeenpouredintohistightjeansandslim-cutshirt.Hehadtheshavedsidesandlongishtophaircutandironicclear-lensed,tortoiseshellroundglassesallboysseemedtosportlikeuniformsthesedays,althoughIhadtoadmithewasnotbad-looking,withalean,tonedswimmer’sbody.Withgoodheight,too.“Iseehowthatcanbeconfusing.Letmetryagain.”Holdingmyeyes,hetooktwogiantstepsback,awayfromthedirectionofthetoilet.“There.So.Hithere.Icouldn’thelpnoticingwematchedonSponk.DoyoucometoLGA,inthegeneralsenseandnotthetoiletperse,often?”
Ack.Sohewasreallytryingtopickmeup.Oneofthegirlswasnotverydiscreetlypointingherphoneinmydirection,filmingthewholething,forfuck’ssake.IturnedmybackonherandmoveddirectlyinfrontofteenageCasanovatosavehimtheembarrassmentofbeingtheunwittingsubjectofaviralvideo.“Look,kid,I’mtoooldforyou,so,youknow,gofindsomeotherage-appropriatetargetthroughPounderorwhateverhookupappyoupeopleusethesedays,”Isaidshortly,beforedroppingmygazebacktomybeloved,thephone.
IpretendedtoscrollthroughtheDailyMail,scanningcelebrityheadlinesintentlyandhopinghewouldgoaway.Afterseveralsecondsofscrolling,Ilookedupagaintofindhimstillsmilingatmeinhisobliqueway.Whatwashisproblem?Iwasoldenoughtobehismom.Wasn’tthereanyoneelsehisagetochatup?“Whatdoyouwant?”Isaid,withsomeexasperation.Inowneededtheloo—Imean,toilet.Badly.
“CanIbuyyouadrink?”hesaidthroughhisnever-faltering,EdwardCullen–esquesmile.
“Notinterested.”
“Doesn’tmatter.Letmebuyyouadrinkanyway.Whatwouldyoulike?Gin?No,letmeguess.Whisky,singlemalt.AHighlander.”Hesquintedatme.“No,anIslay.Peatyandsmoky.”
Ooh,yum,thatdidsoundgood.Imentallyslappedmyselfandfocusedonthetaskathand.“Letmegetthisstraight:youwanttospendmoneyonanolderwomanwhoisnotinterestedinyou?”
Heshrugged.“I’llneversaydie*untilI’mdead.”
“That’sjust…that’sillogi—Nevermind.Gowaitbythebar.Lettheladyusethetoiletfirst.”
Heactuallybowedalittlebeforeheleft.Iturnedbacktofacethequeue.Thewomeninitwerelookingatmewithrespectorjealousy.“Kids,right?”Isaidtonooneinparticular,toicystaresallaround.
IwaswhistlingasIwalkedbackacrossthecrowdedroomtothebarwhenIsawsomethingthatstoppedmedeadinmytracks.
Ivan.Bythebar.Wearingawhitepoloandslim-cutdark-washjeansWithhisarmaroundwhatcouldonlybedescribedassomeoneotherthanme,astickfiguregirlinabadwig,ifthatwasherrealhair.
WTF.
Imean,Ivanneverworejeanswhenhewaswithme:heconsideredthemanabominationofthefashionindustry(neitherformalnorcasualenough,plustoohotforSingaporeanweather).
Helookedagonizinglyhappy.
Iduckedbehindapassingwaiter,heldhisarmstopinhimtothespot,andpeeredaroundhim.“Stopmoving,”Ihissed.
“Erm,ma’am”—whichisthepolite,formalequivalentof“auntie”—“Ihavetoservedr—”
“I’llgiveyoutwentydollarsifyoustaystillforfiveminutes,”Ipleaded.
Heshruggedandstoodthere,whileIobservedmypreyasnonchalantlyasIcould.
FuckingH.Shewasyoung.
SomeofthethingsIvansaidtomethenightweagreed,mutually,tobreakup,boomedinmyhead:Youcan’ttellmeyoudidn’tseethiscoming.Howcanyoublamemewhenyou’reneveraround?Iwantafam—
TheSlimyYoungThingtouchedhisarmandIwasgrippedbyanoverwhelmingdesiretopickherupanddunkherintothenearestdumpster.NowIamapacifist,ofcourse.Buttrytellingthattomyheart.
Theydidn’tlookliketheywereonafirstdate.Whowasshe?Therewasnowaytoknowwithoutbeingaproactivestalker.Ihadcutallsocialmediatieswithhim,blockedhimonWhatsApp,severedtieswithallthemutualfriendswehad(well,mostofthemwerehis),anddeletedallhisphonenumbers(personal,Work1,Work2,andWork3(landline)).NotthatIwantedtoknowwhoshewas,ofcourse.
JustasIwasreadytowalkoverandcasuallybumpintothem,sothatIcouldbeintroduced,heputhisarmaroundherwaistandwalkedheroutofthebar.
“No,”Iwhisperedinagony.
“Ma’am,canIgonow?”theserversaidtightly.
“Sorry,”Imuttered.IopenedmywallettoextractthemoneyIowedhim,buthewavedthebillsaway.
“Youlooklikeyou’llneedittonight.That,orafreshstart,”heremarked,beforewalkingaway.
Iheardhimthroughafog.Icouldn’tbelieveit—Ivanhadmovedon.First.Witharatherage-inappropriatepalatecleanserofagirl.Whataboutme?WhywasIstillstuckinsomeweird,monkishstateofcelibacywhenIhadwastedoverfiveyearsofmylifeonhimalready?
Therearealwayswinnersandlosersinabreakup.AndIamnotaloser,notinanysense.Ishouldgetamoveon,too.Startingtonight.I’llshowhimage-inappropriateness,thejeans-wearingbastard.
WhenIrejoinedtheotherstograbmyworkbag,theboywhohitonmewasstillwaitingbythebarwithanelbowplantedonthecountertopandnophoneinsight,whichsortofendearedmetohim.Hesawmeandwavedcheerily,thewayaninnocentchildmightatastrangemaninastainedhouserobestandinginfrontofwhatappearstobeatotallynormalice-creamtruck(IdorealizeIamthestrangemaninthisscenario).
“Whoisthatyummymorsel?”Valeriestage-whispered,whichwasenoughtosendmetothebarjusttogetawayfromherandthecreepyrealizationthatValeriewasbiologicallyoldenoughtobehisgrandmother.
“Let’sstartagain.MynameisOrsonLeong,”hesaid,offeringmeasurprisinglyassuredhandshake.“What’syours?”
“Andrea,”Isaid.Imotionedthebartenderoverandgavehimmyorder.“I’dlikeaLaphroaig,twenty-oneyearsold,neat.”IturnedtoOrson,expectinghimtobeweirdedoutbythefactthatmydrinkwasolderthanhim.Buthewasunfazed.Heorderedabeer,andwhenthebartenderreturned,hetookouthiscreditcardandwavedmineaway.“I’mtwenty-three,youknow.Icanaffordtobuyaprettyladyadrink.”
“AndI’mthirty-three,”Itoldhimaggressively,probablytocoverupthefactthatIwaspleasedthathewasnotasyoungasI’doriginallymadehimouttobe,whichwaseighteen.Iprobablyneededglasses,perhapsduetothefactthatIwas(non-addictively)playingCandyCrushinmyfreetime.“Jesus’sage,whenhedied,”Iadded,beforeIcouldstopmyself.
“OK,Andrea,nowthatwehavethebasicscovered,whydon’twegotothatquietlittlecorneroverthereawayfromyourstaringclique,andyoucantellmemoreaboutyourself?”
Inodded,andheguidedmebymyelbowtoasecludednookbytheelectronicjukebox.OutofthecornerofmyeyeIsawthedumbstruckfacesofmyfriendsturntofollowmeacrosstheroom;Valerie’slookedespeciallycomicalsinceshehadlongagolostthecapacitytolifthereyebrows.Igrinnedandgavethemacheerywave.Letthemwonder.Letthemtakelotsofphotos.ThatIwilldefinitelypostonFacebookpubliclylater
Ididn’texpecttoenjoyhangingoutwithOrson,butIdid.OrsonwaseasygoingandhadanunassumingwayofaskingquestionswithhisdimpledsmilethatmademefeelcomfortablerevealingthingsaboutmyselfthatIwouldusuallyreserveforcloserfriends.Andeventhoughhewasmuchyounger,weconversedacrossawidearrayofsubjectswithease.IfoundoutthatOrsonwasworkinginanadvertisingfirmasacopywriter;hereadvoraciouslyandcountedRumiandDeborahLandauamonghisfavoritepoets(pro);hisfavoritetipplewasgin(meh);hewasadogperson(hmm);andhehatedEDMandrealityTV(pro!).
Sometimearoundteno’clockImademyexcusestoleave,eventhoughIwasnotatalltiredbutIwasdangerouslytipsyandconsideringaskinghimtocomeuptomyplaceforashag(ImanagedtorestrainmyselfbyusingtheclevertrickofthinkingofspiderseverytimeIthoughtofkissinghim,somethingIhadlearnedaboutfromalisticleonAversionTherapy101).Beingthegentlemanthathewashewalkedmetothetaxistand(aqueuealmosttwentypeoplelong,despitetheprevalenceofride-hailingapps).Iwasstartingtofeelmelancholyasthealcoholicbuzzbegantofade.
“WillIseeyouagain,Andrea?”heasked,hiseyesgoingfull-puppyonme.
“Never!”iswhatIshouldhavesaid—hewasjustnotrightforme,andIhadalreadytakenenoughselfieswithhimtoletanyonelookingknowthatIwasahotcommodity.Instead,Imeeklysaid,“Ican’t.”Pathetic.NowonderIwasn’tpartneryet.
“Whynot?”heasked.HewasstandingveryclosetomeandIcouldsmellhiscologneandstaletobaccoandsweat.
“Notagoodidea,”Isaidtohisshoulder.Iwasveryawareoftheheatemanatingfromhim.
“It’stheNewYear,”washisreplynearmyearlobe.AndthenhislipswereonminebeforeIcouldprotest:theytastedamazing,youngandperky,belongingtosomeonewhodidn’tneedafternoonnaps.ItwasallIcoulddonottochewonthem,drivenasIwasbyhormones—andhunger.
Thenhebrokethekiss.
“I’msorryifIcameontoostrong,”hesaid.“Itjustcameoverme.I’mnotusuallylikethis.”
Inodded,completelydumbstruck.Thequeueshuffledforward.Itwasalmostmyturn.
“Listen,I’dliketoseeyouagain.CanIhaveyournumberplease?”
Hegavemehiscard,asmyphonehaddied,andIgavehimmynumber,myrealone,evenmysurname.Nowhecanfindmeontheinternet.Shitjustbecamereal.
Whenmycabarrived,heopenedthedoorandIgotin.“Goodnight,Andrea.I’lltextyou.”Nogames,justapromise.Suchmaturity,suchmanliness,suchroundbuttocks.Againstmywill,IbegantohopethatIwould,indeed,seehimagain.
11:45p.m.Home.Chargedmyphone,turneditontofindforty-plusfeverishWhatsApptextsfromtheLGAcrewgroupchat,withLinda’stextsbeingthelewdest.
“Who’sMr.HotStuff?”wasthegeneralcridecoeur.Idecidedtoletthemsimmer.Ididn’twanttotalktothemaboutthenightwhenIwasbacktobeingambivalentaboutseeingOrsonagain.Imean,wherecouldthisrelationshipreallygo?Wewereattotallydifferentstagesofourlives:hewasprobablyjustinterestedinshaggingasmanywillingpeopleashecouldget,whileIwasinterestedinfindingasuitablemanforalifepartner,whichisdifficultenoughasitis.Let’sbehonest:thechancesoffindingyourtruelovewhenyou’realmostinyourmid-thirtiesarealittlebleak—mostofthegoodonesaretaken,andtheonesthatarestillontheshelfandolderthanyouareoftenriddledwithmanufacturingorthird-partydefects,somesowellcamouflagedthatyoucouldbedatingthemfortenmonthsbeforeyouaccidentallyfindtheirshoeboxoftoenailclippingsortheircollectionofvintageporn.Ishouldn’twastetimeonhimwhenIwaslookingforMr.Right—thereturnoninvestmentseemedtoolowtobeworththeoutsizeriskofwastingprecioustime—right?
Ontheotherhand,IhadspentfiveyearswithIvan,andtowhatavail?
Ooh,text.
HeygorgeouslunchordinsnextWednesday24thK?unlessuhvplansalrdy…*threeemojiswithhearteyes*
ItwasMillennialOrson.Whattodo,whattodo.
IcheckedmycalendarandlaunchedCandyCrush,justaquickgamethereof;nobiggie,ithelpsmethink.
Threeinthemorning.Oops.5
Thursday18February
Emergencysummitthenextafternoon,overlunch,withLinda.
“YoumethimthroughSponk?”Lindagaspedtheatrically.WewereseatedinLauPaSat,ahawkercenterlocatedinalarge,beautifulVictorianfiligreecast-ironstructureintheCentralBusinessDistrict.Thelunchcrowdconsistedofbothtouristsandofficegrunts,chowingdownonlocalstreetfood.
“Yeah,I’mOnTheApps.”Yes,Isaiditexactlylikethis.“Isn’teveryoneOnTheApps?”
Lindasighed.“Couldyoupleasetrynottosoundlikeyou’reancient?Anddidyouhavetochoosetheworstapptostartonlinedatingon?”
“What’swrongwithSponk?”Isaidindignantly.
“Sponk,mydear,isforfurriesandswingers.”Shesawmymouthopentoaskaquestionandsaid,“Youcangooglethatlater.NSFW.”
“Thanksalot,CousinGordon,”Imuttered.“Onthebrightside,Ididmeetthisdecent,properSweetYoungThing,so.”
“NoonedecentusesSponk;Ishouldknow,”Lindarespondedominously.
“AndhowisTinderanybetter?”Ichallenged.“Isn’titahookupapp?”
“Italldependsonhowyouscreenthepeople,howyouplaythegame.I’vemany,manyfriendswho’vemettheirsignificantothersonTinder.”Shesmiledbeatifically.“Imean,Imyselfhaveneveruseditforlong-termcommitment,butI’mpositivewecanreplicateAngi’ssuccess.”
Ididadoubletake.“Wh—Soit’sjustthatonefriend?Ithoughtyousaid‘friends.’Asinplural.”
Shewavedmyquestionsaway.“Potato,potahto.Howoldisthisguyagain?”
“Twenty-three,”Isaidmeekly.
Lindawhistled.“Nice.AndhereIthoughtI’dbethefirstcougarofourfriendpack.”
“NotValerie?”Iwasintrigued.
“Valerie-I’m-younger-than-my-surgeon-makes-me-look-in-the-dark-I-swear-Gomez?”Lindasaid,doingherbestimitationoftheRock’ssignatureeyebrowcock.“Noway.Shewouldneverbeabletoacceptthatshe’solderthanthemanshe’swith.Unlikeyou,youdirtyrascal.”
“Igetthathe’salittleyounger,buthe’ssomature.”Istarteddrummingmyfingersonthegrease-slickedtabletop.“Woulditreallybesuchabadideatogoonadatewithhim?YouwerejustsayingIneedtodateoutsidemycomfortzone.”
“Dependsonyourobjectives:ahookuporlove?Inmyopinion,youshouldnipitinthebud,becauseyou’reaserialmonogamistandyou’relookingfortheOne.”
“Idon’tbelieveintheOne,”Iprotested.
Lindarolledhereyes.“Please.I’veknownyousinceyouwereatoddler,remember?YouinhaledSweetValleynovels.YoulikealltheslowsongsfromBackstreetBoys.Youcryateverywedding,andnotjustbecauseyou’renottheonegettingmarried.Faceit—you’reasuckerforlove,andthat’sOK.Whatyouneed,mydear,istogetoutthereandmeetguysyourownage,preferablyolder.”Shetookoutherphoneandstartedscrollingintently.HervoicetookonadangerousAvonsalespersonvarnish,oneoctavehigherandchirpierthanusual.“JustwaittillyouseewhatI’vegotinstoreforyou!”
Sheshovedthephoneinmyface.Onthehigh-definitionscreenofLinda’slatestiPhonewasmyTinderprofile.
Igapedatit.“What?Wh-whenandhowdidyouaccessmyF-Facebook…?”Imanagedtosay.Whatotheraccountsdidshehaveaccessto?
“Easy.Yourpasswordwasasnoozetocrack,tookmeliterallytwelveseconds,haha:ihateivan.Imean,seriously,still?”Herlaughterdiedwhenshesawmyface,andsheclearedherthroat.“Butlookathowgoodyoulook!”shecrowed,jabbingamanicuredfingeratmyTinderdoppelg?nger.Istaredatthezoomed-inviewofafull-frontalshotofmyface,editedandenhancedtillIwasbarelyrecognizable.
“Whatfilteristhis?IlooklikeIjustpoppedoutofthewomb,”Isaid,squintingatmyalerteyesandplumped-uplips,unmarredbyyearsofstress-smokinganddisappointment.
Lindashrugged.“Filter?Pah!ThiswastheworkofaPhotoshopmaestro.Nofilteralonecouldhaveachievedthisperfection.”
ThenshetappedonherscreentozoomoutandIsawthebodyuponwhichmyheadhadbeenalmostseamlesslygrafted;withagaspIrecognizedthecleavage-baringblackbandagedressIhadworn—forourunigraduationdinner
Ilookedatherandsheshrugged.Innocently.
“Showmemyprofiledescription,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.Shegrinnedandscrolleddown.“AndreaT….Hey,that’snotmyage!”
“Giveortakeoneortwoyears…,”Lindasaidcheerfully,unconcernedwithbeingaclassA,bonafideliar.
“Linda,youlistedmeasbeingtwenty-nine!”
“So?”Linda’salreadylargeeyeswerewidewithfauxinnocence.
“I’mturningthirty-fourinDecember!”
“Geez,stopbeingsuchasticklerfordetails.”
“That’srich,comingfromalawyer.”
“IfIlistyourrealage,I’llbecuttingdownyourmarketbyeightypercent.”
“Idon’twanttodateageists!”
“I’mbeingrealistic,”shehuffed.“GoodGod,it’sbrutaloutthere.Lookatme,Idon’tlookadayovertwenty-six,amhighlyeducatedandgorgeous—”
“—andmodest,don’tforget,”Iaddeddryly.
“Yes,ofcourse,andeventhen,myswipe-rightsonlyincreasedwhenIputmyageastwenty-nine.Me!What’smore,I’msorrytosaythis,you!”
“WhyamIstillfriendswithyou?”Imuttered,palmingmyforeheadinresignation.
“BecauseI’mfabulousandI’mgoingtogetyouamanworthyofyourlovin’.What’soneortwoli’lfibsinthegrandschemeofthings?”
“Lies:alwaysagoodfoundationforarelationship,”Isaid,givingup.
Therestofthedraftprofilereadassuch:
Andrea,29
Bubblyandadventuroussalsaenthusiast(What?Isqueaked,towhichLindasaid,Shutupandtrustme,youhavenochoiceanyway,IlockedtheprofileandonlyIhavethepassword!).I’minterestedinyoga,baking,whisky(especiallywhenit’sfree),andpuns.I’mverygoodatplayingballgames,especiallyhandandball-strikingones.Iloveagoodshuttlecock.
Icoveredmyfaceandrockedbackandforthinmyseat.“OhGod.OhGod.”
Lindabeamed.“It’sperfect.It’sfunnyandsexyanddoesn’ttakeitselftooseriously.Win.”
“Ignoringthegodawfulinnuendo,noneofthisevenappliestome,”Iprotested.Well,exceptthefreewhiskyandpunspart.Ibegantickingoffeverythingshegotwrongonmyfingers.“Idon’tbake,I’vebeentoalloftwobeginneryogaclasses,andtheclosestIgettosalsaiswhenI’mmakingaburrito.Andthere’snothinghereaboutmywork,y’know,SingaporeBusinessReview’s‘40MostInfluentialLawyersUnder40’andall.”
Lindarolledhereyes.“Couldyouplease,foronesadsecondofyourlife,notshovedowneveryone’sthroathowaccomplishedyouare?Seriously,woman,yourinsecurityisquitedisturbing.Youhaveotherthingsgoingoninyourlifebesidesbeinggoodatyourjobandbeingasmartcookie.”
“Like?”
“Like,ah,howyouarevery,ah,well-readandvery,er,creativein…Anyway,justlisttheaccoladesonLinkedInwheretheybelong.Or,ifyoumustbrag,doitcasuallyonpurpose,thewaysomepeopletakeselfiesstandinginfrontoftheirbookshelfandtheshelfbehindtheirfaceisconvenientlylinedwithbooksbyChomskyandSaganandlotsofdeadRussians,insteadoftheTwilightsagainhardcoverandglossyuntouchedcookbooksthatthepersonboughtbecausetheywenttothebookstorewhentheywerehungry.”Shegavemeapointedlook,whichIignored.
“You’reright,”Isaid,resigned.“Ijustthought…there’snotalotoftruthonthisprofile.”
“Sayswho?”Sheleanedforwardandwinked.“NoticethatIsaid‘enthusiast’and‘interestedin.’Thatcouldmeananything,really,ifyouthinkaboutit.Maybeyoujustreally,reallyenjoywatchingDancingwiththeStars.AndTheGreatBritishBakeOff.Meaningyoulovetelly.Andwhatblokedoesn’tliketelly,eh?”
Shesatbackinherseat,lookingsmugas,well,alawyerwho’djustwonhercase.
“Nofurtherquestions,yourDastardlyOverlord,”Isaid,humbled.
“Good.Becauseyou’relive.”
“What?”Ishrieked.“Sincewhen?”
“Sinceyesterday,youdork!Don’tgetmad.Lookhowmanymatchesyou’vealreadyaccrued.Twenty-seven!”
“What?Ineverchose…Howmany?”DespitemybetterjudgmentIwassoonscrollingwithLindathroughtheprofilematches.(Apparently,inthefewhourssinceshehadhackedintomyFacebookandcreated/linkedmyTinderaccount,thusbeingabletopublishmyprofile,allwithoutmyconsent,shehadalreadyselectedafewcrush-worthyspecimenswhohadalsoswipedrightonmyprofile.)IdidthisoverLinda’sshoulder,asLindawasstillrefusingtorelinquishthephoneormynewFacebook/TinderpassworduntilIhad“earnedtherighttouseTinderunsupervised,becauseSponk.”
“Youneedmyguidance.Afterall,therearealotofcreepsandliarsoutthere,”shesaid,oblivioustotheironyofherownwords.
“So,uh,howarewesupposedtohandletwenty-sevenTinderchatsatthesametime?”Iwantedtoknow.
“Oh,sweetie.”Shegavemeapityinglook,thekindshegavemenwhentheyaskedherwhyshewouldn’tgivethemhernumber.“Fifty-fivepercentoftheseguyswon’ttextyoubeyondthefirstthreemessagesbecausethey’rejustnotthatintoyou;fivepercentwon’tmakeamoveatallbecausetheyaretoochickenshitortheywantthewomantomakethefirstmove;tenpercentwillturnouttobeliars,freaks,douchebags,sociallyinept,andpsychoswhowillshowthemselvesonmysuperiorno-BSradarandwhoIwilleliminateafterfivetextlines;whichleavesthirtypercentworthyofnavigatingthrough,afterwhichwewillprobablyonlyfindhalfofthemdeservingofourtime,whichleavesuswithapproximatelythreeorfourpotentialdates.I’llhaveyourresultsbySaturdaymorning.”
Shehaditdowntoascience.
“Soletmegetthisstraight:inordertosieveouttheliars,freaks,douchebags,sociallyinept,andpsychos,youaregoingtopretendtobeme?”
Sherolledhereyes.“DidInotmakemyselfclear?”
“Andyoudon’tseethesimilaritiesbetweenyouandthepeopleyou’retryingtokeepawayfromme?Nonewhatsoever?”
“Nope.”
“Right.”Ohwell.Thewomandidgetmetwenty-sevenmatches.“ButwhatifOrson—”
“No.Repeatafterme:Orsonispoison.Orsonispoison.”
Idecidedtodropit.WhatdidLindaknow?ShewasLinda;she’dneverhadtocompromiseadayinherlife.Orsonseemedtolikemeforme.Besides,itwasn’tasthoughIhadanyothersuitors—notcountingthetwenty-sevenpotentialTindermatcheswhowereallexpectingmetobesomebendyyogahottiewholikedtosalsa.Thiswholethingwasdoomed.BythetimeIreturnedtoworkIwasbacktogivingOrsonago,ifhetextedagain.Hey,abirdinthehandisworthtwenty-seveninthebush,everygoodChineseknowsthat.
3:00p.m.TextedOrsontosayI’dbehappytohavelunchwithhimnextWednesday.Whywait?AndIdefinitelydidn’tneedtobesupervisedondatingplatforms/apps.I’mtech-savvy:I’maLinkedInPremiumuser,youknow.
5:07p.m.GottoldoffforaskingLindafortheumpteenthtimewhatwasgoingonintheTinderchats.ShesaidthatifItextheronemoretimeforprogressreports,she’llstartsendingmedickpics.FromBen.
7:45p.m.Orsonjusttexted!Hesaidhe’sexcitedtobegoingonadatewithatopfortylawyer.Theboycanflirt!IsenthimacoupleofsmileyemojisandchoseacaféthatIknewLindawouldneverfrequentandtoldhimtomeetmethereatnoon.
Amcrushingit.OrsonisprobablyyoungerthanIvan’sgirl(thoughIwouldn’tknow,there’snothingIcanseeonhisFacebookorhisothersocialmediaplatforms,notthatIwaslookingthroughafakeaccountoranything).6
Friday19February
Speakingofshowingoff,Iawokethismorningsmiling,awashwithfreshpurposeinlife.Atlonglast,thedayIhadbeenplanningforhadarrived—thedayIfinallytakeSureshout.
Forlunch.
Butnotjustanylunch:theEstablishment-of-HierarchyLunch.Justliketheultra-firmhandshakeIgavehimthefirsttimeImethim,whereIShowedDominance,Ihave,bypretendingtobesuperbusy,managedtoevadehostingthewelcomelunchallOrientationBigBuddiesaresupposedtoarrangefortheirassignedLittleBuddy.ButitwasnowwellintohisthirdweekandIcouldnolongerpretendthatIwasbusywithoutbeingrude,well,ruderthanIalreadywas.Andestablishingdominancemustbedoneinaclassy,indirect,subtleway,likefarting.
ItwastimeSureshunderstoodwhothealphaintheroomwas.TheorientationlunchisallaboutPowerMoves.ForthatreasonIhadbeenwaitingfortherightmomenttoinvitehimoutonone:firstofall,IhadonatotalPowerOutfit,anexquisite,expensivetailoredpantsuitingraycashmerewoolpairedwithawhitelong-sleevedcottondressshirt(evenifimpracticalandmyboobsweremeltingunderthelayers)andaburgundycrocodileBirkinbag(thattechnicallybelongedtoLinda);there’dbeenasignificantlapseoftimesincehisarrivalbeforetheAsk,calculatedtomakeSureshunderstandthathewasverylowinpriority;lastly,I’dmanagedtobookaveryvisibletableinaquietandexpensivefine-diningShanghaineserestaurantthatwasguaranteedtomakeSuresh,AnglophileIndianthathewas,swallowhardatthesightofallthebonechinabowlsandpokeychopsticks.NottomentionthefactthatSureshhadn’thadenoughtimetoacclimatetotheSingaporeanweatherandwasstillsweatingprofuselyevenintheair-conditioning,whichisnotinhisfavoratall.Butthisstateofimbalancewouldnotlastlongformenlikehim:IknewIhadtostrikesoon.
Iwaitedtillhelookedlikehewasknee-deepinadifficultfilebeforeItookadeepbreathandsaid,“Suresh…there’ssomethingI’vebeenmeaningtoaskyou.”
Sureshlookedupfromhisphone,onwhichhewasactuallyworking,smiled,andsaid,“Me,too.”
Inanefforttomaskmytrueevil,Isaidsweetly,“Youfirst.”
“It’sbeensokillerbusysinceIarrived,butI’vebeenmeaningtoaskyououtforlunch.Howdoestodaysound?”
“You’reaskingmeoutforlunch?”Iwhispered,blooddrainingfrommyface.
“Yes,”hesaid.“IcheckedwithKai,whosaidyourschedulewasfree,andsinceyouwerefreeIthought,whywait?”
Itookasteadyingbreath.“Yes,sure,butwhere—”
Suresh’sdimpledsmiledeepened.“There’sthisfine-diningShanghaineserestaurantthatKaisaidyouliked.I’mabigfanofShanghainesefoodmyself,soIthoughtwe’dgowiththeobviouschoice.”
“Indeed,”Isaid.ImadeamentalnotetowarnKaifromdivulgingmyscheduletoSureshinthefuture,evenifsheworkedforbothofus.Herloyaltiesshouldliewithme,dammit:Ilenthermoneyforhergymmembership.
2:40p.m.Justbackfromlunch,whichgotofftoabadstart.Soonafterwewereshowntoourtable,IfoundoutthatSureshhadspentayearinHangzhoustudyingMandarinandknewmoreaboutregionalChinesefood,andtea,thanIdid.Hewonfood-orderingdutiesaftersomehaggling,andproceededtoorder,amongotherthings,chickenfeetinsoysauce,aPowerMoveinitselfasthisisadishrifewithpossibilityfordisaster(ofthedry-cleaningvariety).Worst,whenthesteamedfisharrived,helookeddeepintomyeyesandcomplimentedmyPowerOutfitashepluckedthestaringeyeballoutofthedead,defenselessfish,poppeditintohismouth,andchewedinadeliberatemanner,whichmeantIwouldhavetoeattheremainingeyeball.
AndthelunchgotpersonalwhenIleastexpectedit.“So,haveyoualwayswantedtobealawyer?”heasked,hislipsstillcoatedwithjuicesfromthefish’seyeball,thepsycho.
Ishrugged.“Iwasgivenonlytwochoices:lawormedicine.Ididn’tknowtherewasanyotherpathopentome:mymotherbasicallysaiditwaseitheroneofthoseorbedisowned.”Imadeaface.“IthinkshethreatenedtodisownmeeverytimeItriedtomakechoicesthatdivergedfromwhatshewouldhavepickedforme.”
Hechuckled.“Soundsfamiliar.Iguessyoucouldbeluckier,sinceinmycaseitwasthethreatofdismemberment.Orwasitdisembowelment?Idon’tremember.Justthankyourluckystarsyourparentsaren’tdoctorswhocouldactuallycarryouttheirthreat.”
Ilaughed,againstmybetterjudgment.Laughingatyourenemy’sjokesisasignofsubmission.Idugmyfingernailsintomypalms.
“Sotellme,givenallthatyouknownow:whatwouldyoubeifyoucouldbeanythingelse?”
Ipretendedtothinkthisover.“Ididwanttobeamarinebiologist.Orwasitamermaid?Oneofthose.Andyou?”Iwasnotgoingtorevealmydreamstomycompetitor.Imean,onceuponatime,whenIwasyoungandfoolish,I’dwantedtobeawriter.
“Writer,”heansweredimmediately.
“Whatacliché,”Isaid.“YouandeverysadlawyerIknow.”
“Clichésexistforareason;manyalawyerstartedoutasaweelittleladorlassinterestedinstorytelling,”hesaid.“AlthoughIsupposeI’mmoreofacomicbookartistatthisstagethanawriter.I’vegotagraphicnovel,whichIplantogetpublishedoneday,lyinginmydeskdrawer.”
IhatedthatIhadmyownunfinishedmanuscriptofsortslyinginmydraweraswell,notebooksfullofpoemsaboutthedarksideoflawandsinglelifeinSingapore.NotthatIwasgoingtodivulgeitsexistencetoSuresh.No,asfarasIwasconcerned,thissecrethobbyofminewouldstayinitsdrawer,becausethat’swherehobbiesbelonginreallife.IcouldhearhowdisdainfulIsoundedwhenIcontinued,“Asidefromyour,erm,graphicnovel,haveyouwrittenanything?”
“Ihave,”hesaid,smiling.“Ihavemyownsuperherocomicstriponline.”
“Doesn’teveryone?”Isaiddisparagingly.
“Erm,yes,erm.Butmineis,well,quitesuccessful.HaveyouheardofTheLastTrueSelf?Aboutashape-shiftingvigilantewhomurderstoprotecttheoppressedbysuckingtheirlifeforceoutbytouch,butisdoomedtotakeontheformofthelastpersonhetouch-murders?”
“No,”Isaid.“Soundssuperboring.”
Heleanedforwardandwhispered,“Well,I’mthecreator.Butdon’ttellanyoneatwork,sinceIdon’twantpeopletothinkIactuallyhavehobbies,oralife,outsideofthelaw.”Hewinked.
“Um-hmm,”Isaid,nonchalantbutsilentlytakingnotesforfutureevilreference.
“Also,peoplehavebeentryingtofigureoutwhothecreatorofTLTSisforsometimenow,since,youknow,Ikilledsomanyreal-lifecelebritiesandpoliticiansinmycomicstrip.I’vehaddeaththreats.”
Ifoughttheurgetoblurtout,“AndnowIknowyourAchilles’heel,sucker!”
Heseemedreassured,foolishly,bymysilence.“Seriously,though,whatdrewyoutoreadlaw?”
Ihesitated,thensaid,truthfully,“Iwantedtofightforjusticefortheoppressed.LikeBatman.Oryouknow,likeAtticusFinchinToKillaMockingbird.”
Sureshsippedathistea.“Whatareaoflawdidyouoriginallywanttopracticein?”
“Internationalhumanitarianlaw.You?”
“Criminallaw.”
Webothfellsilentaswereflectedonhowfarwe’ddeviatedfromourideals.
Igingerlypickedoutthesecondfisheyeballandswallowedtheslimy,chalkythingwhole,nearlygaggingintheprocess.“Lemmeguess,TigerMom?”
“TigerDad,”hesaid.“Well,TigerParents,really.”
Wesmiledwanlyateachotherincommiseration.
“So,SureshAditparan,mynextquestionis:wouldyoudothingsdifferentlywhenitcomestoyourkids?Ordoyouthinktigerparentingisthewaytogo?Imean,allthingsconsidered,weturnedoutprettywell.”Great,nowIwasdrawingparallelsbetweenusandcomplimentinghim.SomePowerLunchthiswasturningouttobe.
Hegnawedonhisbottomlipashethoughtthisthrough.“IthinkI’donehundredpercentdothingsdifferently.Iwouldtellmychildrentodreambig,thatIwouldsupporttheminanythingtheywantedtodo.Anything,thatis,exceptdentistryandaccountancy.”Hegrinned.“Onehastodrawthelinesomewhere.”
Ilaughedagainstmywill.It’saspainfulasitsounds,trustme.Icouldn’tbelievethatIwasstartingtoenjoymyself.
Thenheleanedforwardandadoptedabusinessliketone.“Let’scutthebullshit,Andrea.Thisisn’tafriendlyorienteeringlunch,isit?”
“Excuseme?”Isaid,thrownoffcoursebythelackofsegue.
“Iknowyoudon’tlikeme”—Iopenedmymouthtodenythis,buthecutmeoffwithagesture—“butit’sOK,you’renotverylikableeither.Youareborderlinerude,tobehonest,gloweringatmelikeIdon’thaveeyesinmyhead.Igetit,youdon’thavemuchcompetitionaroundhere.Butwedon’thavetolikeeachothertoworkinthesameoffice.Youstayinyourlane,andI’llstayinmine.Andsoonwe’llbeoutofeachother’shairwhentheofficerenoisdone.”
Whatapompous,arrogantjerk!
WhenthemealwasoverItriedtopayforitinalast-ditchattemptataPowerMovebutwasfoiledatthisbecausehehadalreadylefthiscardwiththereceptionwhenheentered.TheboywasalmostmoreChinesethanIwas!
Clearly,Iwouldhavetofindotherwaystoestablishmyalphastatus,andsoon.StartingbysettingupananonymousInstagramaccountandspamminghim.Let’sseewho’srudethen!
8:55p.m.OMG.TheLastTrueSelfhascloseto55KfollowersonInstagramand38KfollowersonTwitter.Andwhat’sworse:Sureshisgood.Thecomicburstswithstyle,satire,anddarkhumor,andlotsofopportunityforcatharsis(hisvigilante,Water,haskilledJohnMayer(!),amongothers).
Waterisanabsurdlyhandsome,JohnWick-ishmercenaryvigilantewhogainedhisdeadlypowers(life-forceabsorptionandshape-shifting)andlosthiswifeafterafreakaccidentattheexperimentallabwheretheybothworkedalmosttwoyearsago.Eachtimehetouchessomeonewithhisbareskin,heimmediatelykillsthemandtakesonhisvictim’snewformtemporarilyuntilhispowersrechargeandhemorphsback,althoughwitheachkillhelosesafewmoreofhismemories.Sowhileeachkilllessensthepainofhiswife’sloss,italsotakesawaymoreofher,ofhim.Asaresultofhispowers,he’sabitofalonerandhasnotbeeninvolvedwithanyonesincehiswifedied.Totouchsomeoneisperson’slife;hencetheonlytimehedoesanytouching,asidefromhimselfwhennooneiswatchingexceptGod,iswhenheisreadytokill.Itcangetalittleone-note;itwouldbeniceifSureshinjected,asacounterpointtoallthisdirectionlessmurder,abiggeragendaforthekilling.Maybearighteousdesiretoreduceworldpopulationtocounterglobalwarming—somethingcontroversialbutlogical.Justsothere’snarrativetension.Andmaybeasexsceneortwo#justsayin.
NotbecauseIfindtheprotagonisthot,ofcourse.Becausehelooksaheckofalotlikehiscreator,andthatwouldmeanIfindSureshattractive,whichIdon’t.
Allthesame,there’senoughheretopleaseacasualreader.I’mimpressed.UsingtheanonymousIGaccountIhadsetuptospamhim,IbegantofollowTLTS.Justtobetterunderstandthepsycheofmyenemy.
11:35p.m.Lookedupfromscreen,dizzyandravenous,andrealizedthatI’dfinishedtwoyears’worthofTLTSinonesitting.NowI’mhooked,withnochoicebuttocontinuefollowingTLTS.I’mcontributingtohisfollowingand,indirectly,hisrevenuestream.
Worstofall,dearDiary,wasthejealousy.Sureshmightnothavefigureditoutyet,butifheeverwantedtotakealeapoffaith,hecouldswitchcareersanddosomethinghewaspassionateabout.Hehadoptions,whereasIhadnone.
11:40p.m.Urgh.Canfeelthedownwardspiraloverlifechoicesbeginning.
11:55p.m.DecidedtojoinBenforadrinkatBoatQuay.
1:20a.m.SawBeninaction.Heislikearelicofthepast,goinguptoyoungerwomenandshoutingatthemoverloudmusicwhiletheyblinkathim,unimpressed.
1:23a.m.Cometothinkofit,isthathowIwilllooktopeoplewhenIamoutwithOrson,aboywhohasneverusedaVHStapeplayerinhislife?
1:30a.m.OhGod.OhGod.Needtequila.
1:45a.m.Havehadtequila,many.Considered,forapanickedmoment,whetherIshouldsleepwithBen.ThenforsomereasonIheardSureshsaying,“Onehastodrawthelinesomewhere.”
2:38a.m.Tequilaswwhywemustrneverhaveatradewartwithmexivco!1
3:20a.m.DrunkenlymadeoutwithsowmeowholookedlkeIvanbefrrealizehedoesnottatall,whencardrovebyalldeylightsee.
3:45a.m.WhaarmIdoing?Needatogetmydatnglifeinshipshapelikecarreerorendupksssngmeninalley.
4:10a.m.Home.PartIITWOBIRDS,ONESTONE7
Saturday20February
Valeriecalledat10:30a.m.,violatingourgroup’sgoldenrule:“NocallsbeforeelevenonaSaturday,unlessyouorsomeoneweknowisdying.”
“Andrea!I’minbigtrouble,”shesaidwithamegaphone.“Idon’tknowwhattodoorwhototurnto!”
“Whaaaat?”Imoaned.Someoneinsidemyheadwasbangingatimpaniintandemwithmyheartbeat.
“Areyoulisteningtome?”Valerieshouted.
Isatup,veryslowly,inbed,andwhispered,“Sorry,theline’sprettybad,canyourepeatthewholethingagain?”
“Ineedtobabysitmyniece,andIhavenoideahowtotakecareofachild!You’vegottohelp!Youhaveayoungersister,weren’tyoualwayssaying?”
Ididn’ttellherthatMelissapracticallyraisedherself,shewassolevel-headed.Imean,Iturntoherforadvice,notviceversa.
ValeriesaidherbrotherCameron’shelperwasonleaveandCameronwasintheStatesonabusinesstrip,andZiMin,hersister-in-lawwhowasalsoarealestateagent,hadsomerentalpropertiesshehadtoshowthatday.Iagreedtocomewithherafterenduringanotherminuteofhigh-pitchedbegging.Bythetimeshearrivedatmycondo,barelytwenty-fiveminuteslater,IhaddownedabottleofspecialKoreanginsengenergydrink,onecoconutwater,andtwodoubleespressos,andwasfeelingalmosthuman.Unsurprisingly,afterI’dvibratedintoValerie’scar,IturnedmyheadandfoundaproneLindalyingonthebackseat.Herfacewasaparticularlyvibranthueofzombiegray.
“Hi,sweetie,thankyousomuchforagreeingtohelp,”Valeriesaid.ShemotionedatLinda.“ThatonebacktherespentthenightatmineafterwehadaheavynightoutinClarkeQuay.Betweenyouandme,Ican’tbelieveshe’sstillalive.”
Lindagroanedandunleashedacloudofmint-veiledalcoholbreath.SheshouldreallyhavebeensleepingoffherhangoveratValerie’splace,butsinceValerieandIwerethekindoffriendswhohadneverhungoutalone,itmadesensethatevenherhungoverasswasagoodbufferagainstawkwardsmalltalk.“Keepyourvoicesdown,willyou,”shepleaded.
IturnedmyattentiontoValerie,who,undertheworld’slargestsunglassesandacap,lookedbrightandhard-shinyinthedaylight.“Howcomeyou’retotallyfineandshe’shalf-dead?”Iasked.
“I’mnotanalcoholic,”Valeriereplied.
WearrivedatthecondominiuminTiongBahruwhereValerie’sbrotherlived.Valeriewasbeggingustohurryaswewerealreadynineminuteslateandhersister-in-lawwasasticklerforpunctuality.“She’sgoingtofreak,”shesaidinapanic.
Whichwasexactlywhathappened.
“You’relate,”ZiMinbarked,herarmscrossed.Ieyedherwarily,sincetheappleneverfallsfarfromthetreeandweweresupposedtotakecareofherdaughter.ZiMinwasclassicallyattractive:tall,porcelain-skinned,andthinbutB-cupped,shewasdressedinaflowylong-sleevedwhitesilktoppairedwithdarkbluejeansandmatchingdenimChanelballerinaflatsandbag.Therewasnodoubtinmymindthatshewasaconventionalpainintheass.
“Sorry,”Valeriesaidmeekly,seemingtoshrinkintoherself.Ifeltbadforher;shereallyneededtotoughenup.
ZiMinjerkedherchinatourdirection.“So.Whoarethesepeople?”
“Thesearemyfriendsfrom,ah,work.TheyareheretohelpmetakecareofLilly.Theyhavealotofexperiencewith,uh,children.”Inoddedoncue,theenthusiasticsmileynodofaJehovah’sWitness.IhadmyarmslungcompanionablyaroundasunglassedLinda(mostlytopropherup).LindahadalreadybeenFebrezed,butwestoodalittlewaysback,justincase.
ZiMinwasintoomuchofarushtobothervettingusinthecareofheronlychild;sheletusinwithoutfurtherdebate.Shemotioneddownthehallway.“Lillyjustcamebackfromballetandshewassupposedtobehavingchesslessonsbuthercoachcanceled.”Shescowled.“Makesureshedoesn’twatchTV.Shehastocompleteherhomework,thenpracticeherpianodrillsfortwohoursforherpianoclasstonight.Foratreat,shemaycompletefouradvancedSudokupuzzlesbeforeyoudropheroffforherpianolessonatfiveo’clock.”
“Foratreat,”Lindarepeatedindisbelief,joltedoutofherhungoverstupor.
“Y-e-s,”ZiMinsaid.“Justfourpuzzles.There’slunchinthekitchen,somequinoasaladsIgotdelivered,butifyou’restillhungry,there’sleftoveroatandquinoaporridgeinthefridge.Lillyisonagluten-freedietassheisgettingsuperfat.OK,Ireallyhavetorun.I’lltrytobebackbyfourthirtyinordertosendhertopianoclass.SometimesshefussesandIhavetosmackher.”
“Whereisshenow?”ValerieaskedasIwatchedLindaturnamagnificentshadeofpukeyindignation.
“Inherroom,studyingchessopenings.Pleasewatchher!”ShehadachangeofmindandkickedoffherballetflatsbeforeshovingherfeetintoapairoftoweringCharlotteOlympiaplatformpumps.Maybesheintendedtointimidateherclientsintosigningthelease.“Allright.Goodbye.Havefun.”
Thedoorslammedshutbehindher.Weheardherheelsclatteringdownthehallwayassheran.Aflurryofswearing,thenblessedsilence.Allofusbreathedasighofrelief.Almostimmediately,oneofthebedroomdoorscreakedopenandagirl’sheadpeekedout.“Isshegone?”Lillywhispered.
“Yes,sweetie,”Valeriesaid,smilingasmuchastheBotoxwouldallow.
“Oh,thankGod!”Lillystompedoutoftheroom,slammedthedoor,andthrewherselfontothecouch.“Ihateher.”
“Now,now,”Valeriesaid,awkwardlypettingthegirl’shead,“sheisyourmother.”
“Iknow,AuntieVal,”Lillysaid.“Butshe’smeanandcontrolling.InevergettodoanythingIwant,andyoufollowhereveryinstruction.”Shelookedaroundandpoutedatme.“WouldyouletmewatchTV,please?”
“Well,now…”IlookedatValerie.“I’mnotinchargehere,sweetie.YourauntValis.”
“Holdon,”Valeriemouthed.ShesidledtotheTVconsoletableandparkedherhandbagdirectlyinfrontofaninsidious-lookingstuffedrabbitwithexposedteeth,theonlyincongruousobjectintheminimalistlivingroom,whichhadobviouslybeendecoratedbyaScandinavianmonkwithexpensivetaste.
“Nowyoucan,”shesaidwithagrin.
ValerieturnedtheTVonandthethreeofusjoinedLillyonthecouchwithoutfurtherado,Lillygrippingtheremotecontrolwithbothhands,hereyestrainedontheTVonwhichfivenubileKoreangirlsweregyratingtotechnomusicandalternativelyrappingandyowling.Shehadtheslightlygormlesslookofanentrancedgopher.Poorkid.Valerieexplainedthateveryminuteofthechild’sdaywasscheduled,downtothesecond.Pianolessons,creativewriting,coding,dramatherapy,chesslessons,andbecauseZiMinhadhopesthatLillywouldexcelatasport,balletandkiddiegolf.Ofcourse,youmustunderstandthatthesewerejustafter-schoolenrichmentclassesdesignedtogildLilly’s
I’llhavetoadmitIdon’tthinkIhaditthisrough:whatLillywasexperiencingwasnext-levelTigerParenting.Val’sbrother,Cameron,wasahigh-flyinginvestmentbanker,andZiMinwasaseniordirectorofalargerealestateagency:theyhadbigdreamsandonlyoneoffspring,sothepoorchildwasessentiallyhostagetoherparents’wishesforever.
Butfornowthelittlemonsterwasjusthangingloose,herlegssplayedovertheglass-toppedcoffeetableasshemunchedonyellowingbreathmintsthatshehadsalvagedfromthebottomofmybag.“Inevergettoeatcandy,”sheconfided.“Youauntiesarethebest.Iwishallofyouweremymommy.”
IlookedoveratValerie,whowasbeamingdespitehavingjustbeencalledanauntie.
WewatchedfourhoursofTV,Linda,Valerie,andItakingturnsnappingwhileLillywatchedmusicvideoaftermusicvideoandateallthebreathmintswecollectivelyowned.WhenshewashungrysheaskedforMcDonald’s,whichIwasonlytoohappytooblige.Youshouldhaveseenthiskid’seyeswhenshesawthefoodarrive—Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenanyonethatexcitedtoseegluten.LindarevivedsoonaftertheBigMacandCokeandshebroughtoutastackofcardsandtaughtLillyhowtoplaypoker.WewereallsorrywhenthetimecametodropLilly,whoseeyeshadnowcrossedfromwatchingalmostsixhoursstraightofmusicvideos,offathermusicschool(hermotherhadcalledat3:00p.m.tosayshehadan“emergencyerrand”torunandwouldbelate,butremindedusto“useallforcenecessarytogetLillytoherlesson”).
AndthenLilly’svacationfromtherealworldwasover.
IpulledupinfrontofthemusicschooltenminuteslateanddidtheveryMalaysianthingofdouble-parkingwiththehazardlightsflashing.Lillyrefusedtoleavethecar.Shethrewanepickicking-and-screamingtantrum,stoppingonlywhenValeriesaidshewouldhavetocallZiMinandtellherthatLillywouldn’tgotoclass,atwhichthechildalmostimmediatelystoppedfussing,fearevidentinhereyes.WhenValerieandIfinallymanagedtousherhertoherclass,Lillywasintears.Tobehonest,Iwasalmostintearsmyself—whoknewachildcouldbitesohard?
Later,asIdroveusbackinthecar,Valeriesaidquietly,“Iwantone.”
Linda,who’doncesaidthatHalloweenwasgreatbecausethatwaswhenyoucouldpoisonthekidsyoudidn’tlikewiththesweetjusticeofcandy,turnedtoValerieandsaid,“Ithinkyou’dmakeagreatmom,Val.”
Asforme,havingsurvivedtoday,Iwentstraighttomyneighborhoodpharmacyandboughtapackofextra-thick,dolphin-friendlycondoms,whichwerehelpfullyonsale.Score!
9:45p.m.Valvideo-calledmetothankmeformyhelp.“You’reawesome,andI’mgoingtodosomethingveryspecialforyou,”shesaid.“Lindafilledmeinonyour,um,quest,andIthinkIknowjusthowtohelpyou.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”WhoknewwhatLindahadbeenblatheringonaboutinherstatelastnight.AndIhavemanyactivequests:I’vealwayswantedtofindoutBeyoncé’srealage,forinstance.
“I’mgoingtoopenmysocialcirclestoyou.We’regoingtogoout,hunting,theold-fashionedway!”Shethenaddedsomewhatunnecessarily,“Formen.”
Iwasbothterrifiedandintrigued.“What?How?Where?”
“There’saneventI’vebeendyingtogotoandtowhichI’vejustbeenputontheguestlist,sowecantrythat.Ican’tdivulgeanydetailsyetsinceIneedtoaskpermissionfromthehostess,butI’msureyou’llbeabletomeeteligibleage-appropriatebachelorsthere.”Hervoicetookonasteelytone.“Butifyouareacceptedintothefold,youmustpromisemenevertobringanyoneelse,especiallyLinda,totheclubI’mabouttobringyouto.It’smywateringhole.Mine.”
Andthen,againstthelawsofBotox,sheglaredatme.
DearDiary,Iamscared.8
Monday22February
10:07a.m.Orsonjustsentmeaweird-cuteGIFofhisfacesuperimposedontoagiganticmandarinorangetowishmeHappyChapGohMei.“ChapGohMei”intheHokkiendialectreferstothefifteenthnightofChineseNewYear;itmarksthedrawingtoacloseoftheLunarNewYearcelebration.ItisalsocelebratedastheChineseValentine’sDayformanyMalaysiansandSingaporeans(becauseonedayoftorturewasnotenough).Inthispartoftheworld,thereexistsa“fun”ChapGohMeitradition,wheresingleChineseladiesthrowperfectlygoodmandarinorangeswiththeirnamesandphonenumberswrittenonthefruitintoabodyofwater,wheretheywouldusuallybescoopedupbyeagergentlemenwhomayormaynotbelookingtoscoreafreesupplyofvitaminC.Theoriginsofthiscustomareobscure—tofoolishdie-hardromantics.ThereislittledoubtinmymindthatsomecraftySoutheastAsianmandarinorangecartelcameupwiththisideaasameansofgettingridoftheirsurplusstockattheendofthefestivitiesforprofitinsteadoflettingthemrotinalandfill;certainlyitalsomakestheirliveseasyshouldtheywishtopickoutthesinglewomenfolkfortheirtrophywives.Sleazycapitalistbastards.
Anyway,whatwasIsaying?Ah,yes.OrsonandtheGiantGIF.IthankedhimandheimmediatelymessagedbacktosaythathewasinJakartaonaworktripandcouldn’tmakeWednesdayforlunchbuthopedtorescheduleourdatetothefollowingThursday,andthathewouldmissme.
Iwasdisappointedthatwewouldn’tseeeachotherthisweek,butflattered.Thelastpersonwhotoldmetheymissedmewasmyonlinegrocer.Whosaysyoucan’tfindniceonesonSponk.
Thursday25February
8:20p.m.Urgh.Amfinallydonewithanotherbloodyclosing.
WhenIhadsentallthedocumentstotheclient,IshakilystoodupfromthedeskIhadbeencrouchedoverforfourhoursstraightandtookstockofthedamage:myeyeswereburningandoutoffocus;IthinkIlostatoothinmycoffee;somethingsmelledofwarmedkimchiandIwasprettysureitwasme(maybethatwaswhySureshhadtakentoworkinginthelibrarytoday?).Myribcagehurtfromthetoo-tightsportsbraIwaswearinginsteadofaproperone,becauseI’drunoutofcleanlingerie.I’vebeeneatingtakeawaysalad(OK,fine,sotheywerefriedspringrollsandnotsaladperse,butthere’sradishintheresothatcountstowardmyfive-a-day)forlunchanddinnerfromthatVietnamesedelidownstairsforthreeeffingdaysstraightandhavesleptatotalofsixteenhoursinthelastfourdays,inmyoffice.
OndayslikethisIfantasizesohardaboutquittingthatIactuallyhaveheartpangs.JustlikeSuresh,myplanwasn’ttogotolawschooltobecomeacorporatelawyer.Ihadidealsonce.Iwaspassionateabouthumanrights.AftergraduationIpaidmyduesandputinsometimeatSlaughter&May,butjustasI’dbegunanewpositionasalegaladviserforasmallnonprofithelpingtraffickedwomenintheUK,myfathergotreallysickandIhadtogetwhatmymothercalleda“realjob”tohelpdefraytheirlivingexpenses,insteadof“wastingmyexpensivelegaleducation.”SoIdidwhatIhadtodo:IwentbacktoSlaughter&May,capinhand,andgotmyoldjobback.SomeofthatmoneywenttowardpayingpartofMelissa’stuition,sinceshewasinthemiddleofanexpensiveBritishdegreeinarchitectureandneededtogetthebestgradesshecouldinsteadofworkingparttimeandgettingjustasecond-lower-classorthird-classdegree.Nowaywerewegoingtodothattoher.
IguessI’mthereasonshewasabletomeetKamarulinherthirdyear.Thishasalwaysmademefeelalittleguiltytowardmymother,notbecauseIcondonehercasualracism(“Youcanbefriendswiththem,butyoucan’tdatethem!”),butbecause,sinceI’dbornethefullbruntofthefinancialfallout(cancersareexpensivewhenyoudon’thavegoodinsurance!)anddownplayedmymother’smentalbreakdownaftermyfather’spassinginthemisguidedbeliefthatMelissashouldn’tsufferremotelyanymorethancouldbehelped,mysisterneverknewthefullextentofhowbadthingshadgotten.MymotherrecoveredthinkingMelissahadn’tcaredenoughtoreturnhomeafterherdegreewasdoneafewmonthsaftermyfather’sdeath,embarkinginsteadonagapyearwithKamarul.They’vebeeninseparablesince
Anyway,theroughpatchmyfamilyfounditselfin,emotionallyandfinancially,issomewhatoverandIcouldquitandworksomewhereelseasIhadintendedtobeforeIhadtomoveback—onlyIcan’t.Idon’tknowhowtoanymore.ThemoneyatmyjobismorethananythingI’llmakeelsewhere;Ihavelittlesavingsinmybankaccountbecauseofmyfather’sillnessandamortgageIcanbarelyafford(ImighthavebeenalittletooaspirationalwiththeposhaddressI’dchosen),whichisfine,justaslongasIhaveajob.Plus,Ican’tgiveupnow:I’vehalf-ruinedmyeyesightonpagesofdocumentreview,suckeduptotoomanypeople,sacrificedtoomuchofmyyouthandidentity,listenedtofartoomanylecturesfrommymomaboutlanguishinginthepurgatoryofmediocrityhavetobecomepartner.9
Monday29February(LeapDay!)
6:25a.m.Goddammit,it’sMondayagain.
7:20a.m.WhyarepeoplesendingmeLeapDaymemes?It’sagoddamnextradayofwork.
7:45a.m.Ontrain.Gotelbowed,groped,andsteppedonseveraltimes.
8:10a.m.Ooh,Sureshjustemailedmeandtoldmehe’sbringingchocolatecroissantstotheoffice.
8:12a.m.Mustnoteatcroissantsfromtheenemy.Revealingfondnessforcarbsandsweetsisasignofweakness.
8:20a.m.Hmm,actuallyIeatsweetsinfrontofhimallthetime.Ievenhaveapotofrawsugaronmydeskthatheusesforhischai.He’salreadyheardthenoisesofpleasureImakewhenIhavecake,onceinabluemoon.
8:22a.m.I’lljusthaveonecroissant.
8:25a.m.Ortwo.Whenheleavesthekitchenette.
9:40a.m.PoorSureshgotschooledtoday.Wewereloafingaroundinthekitchenettehavingmorningchaiandcroissantswhenhetoldmethathewasgoingtotheweddingofanacquaintancefromhisschoolthatweekendandwasplanningtoputatokensumintheredpacketbecausehedidn’tknowherthatwellanyway.
“Howmuchistokentoyou?”Iasked,curious.
Sureshseemeduncomfortablewiththelineofquestioning,maybebecauseIwasleaningoverhimlikeahornygrandmother.“Er.Idon’tknow.Fifty?”
“Whatkindofreception:lunchordinner?Whichhotelisit?Fourorfivestars?”
“Dinner,and,er,Idon’tknow,somefancy-soundinghotel;nodoubtit’sgoingtobeexpensivesinceshe’smarryingaseniorpartnerofaBigFourauditfirm,butseriously,whydoesitmatter?”Heshrugged.“Ibarelyknowher.I’monlygoingbecausesheandAnoushaaredistantlyrelatedandshecourtesy-invitedme.I’msurewhateverIgivewillbefine.”
“Areyouinsane?Thisissocialsuicide.”Istuckmyheadoutofthekitchenette.“Kai,getinhere!”
Kaienteredwearingacrispwhitelinendressandsuedepumps,lookingflustered.“Iseverythingallright?”sheasked.
Iexplainedthesituationandsheburstintoloudhootsoflaughter.“Oh,you’renevergoingtolivethisdown.YoushouldjustpackyourbagsandleaveSingaporenow,”shesaid.
Sureshraisedaneyebrow.“Idon’tunderstandwhatthebigdealis.It’sahugeweddingwithagazillionpeople.Everyonewillbecontributinggiftsormoney,sowhydoesitmatterwhatamountIputintoanangpao?Noonecares.”
“Noonecares!”Iexclaimed.“Areyoufreshofftheboat?Ohwait,youare,becauseletmetellyousomething,myfriend,everyoneca—”
“What’sallthecommotion?”asinistervoicesaidfromthedoorway.Withoutwarning,GenevieveBehglidedintotheroominhercloudofdeadforestratsecretions,herinterestpiqued.
Irolledmyeyes,whichstartedstreamingfromanallergicreactiontoherperfume,butheldmytongue;noonewasbettersuitedtoemphasizehowseriousSuresh’ssituationwasabouttogetifheproceededasplanned.Genevievewastheperfectexampleofamoney-worshipping,soulless,calculatingwraiththatIwantedtoshowcasetoSuresh.Iquicklylaidoutthepertinentfacts.
“Suresh,wereyoubornyesterday?Youcan’tjustgiveanysumyouwant—therearemarketrates!”sheexclaimedasthoughSureshhadjustmentionedthathewasgoingtoattemptskydivinginhisundies.“HasnooneheretoldyouaboutGenevieve’sangpaomatrix?”
“Er,no.Pleaseenlightenme.”
Genevieve’svoicetrembledwithemotion.“It’stheExcelspreadsheetcontainingyearsofpainstakingresearchanddistillationofdataontheappropriateamountoneshouldgiveatanyspecialoccasioninSingapore,dependingonthevenue,thesetting,thestatusofthehost,theguests,andwhetheryouaregoingaloneorwithaplus-one.Isentitoutlastyearwithalinktotheshareddrive,sothewholeofficecouldgeteducated!Neverbecaughtunawareseveragain!It’sfoolproof!”
“Itreallyisverycomplete.ShecoversChineseNewYear,weddings,funerals,specialoccasions,andsheupdatestheratesyearly,”Kaichimedin.
Sureshgaveherablanklook.
“Soyou’venotheardofmymatrix?”Genevieveaskedincredulously.
“Er,no,”Sureshrepeated.Icouldtellhethoughtwewerealloffourrockers,buthewasaniceBritishboywithpublicschoolmanners,soheaskedtheonlyopen-endedquestionthatonecouldaskgiventheaforementionedfacts:“Specialoccasions?Suchas?”
“Chinesebarmitzvahs;secondmarriages;toothfairyvisitations.Everything.”Genevievewassmug.
“Right,”Sureshsaid.“And,ah,whathappensifyou,ah,deviatefromthemarketrate?”
Genevievepattedhisarm.“Myfriend,letmetellyouahorrorstoryofmyown.Threeyearsago,myfirstchild,Gwendolyn,lostherfirstmilktooth.Shestillbelievedinthetoothfairythen,somyhusbandandIputfivedollarsunderherpillow.”
“Wow,that’salot,”Sureshsaid.“AllIgotfromthelousyEnglishtoothfairywasfiftypence.”
Genevievetittereddarkly.“Oh,Suresh,Suresh,Suresh.Weboththoughtitwasagoodamountofmoneyforarottenbitofcalcium,too,butwewerewrong!TurnsoutthatwhenGwenniewenttoschoolthenextdayandtoldherfriendswhatthetoothfairyhadgivenher,shewaslaughedatbyAspen,thegranddaughterofsomeTanSri*inMalaysia.ItseemsthatthegoingratefortoothfairypayoutsinGwennie’sprivateschoolisnowtwentySingdollars!AndAspen,thatlittlebrat,gotthreehundredAmericandollarsforherpiggybank!Whatawaytospoilthemarket.*Gwenniewassimplydevastated.Ittookherweeksoftherapytogetovertheshameofbeingknownasthepoorkidinschool.”Sheshuddered.“Anyway,Suresh,heedmywords:respectthemarketrate,ifyouwishtoberespected.”
Later,safeinouroffice,Sureshturnedtomeandsaid,“IneverthoughtI’dheartheword‘payout’beingusedinthecontextofatoothfairy’svisit.”
“Justwaittillyouseeherfullmoonandbabyshowertabandyou’llunderstandwhymoreandmoreSingaporeansarenotreproducing,”Isaid.
“DecentpeoplelikeusshouldbetheonesreproducinginsteadofGenevieve,”hesaidoffhandedly,butthatthrowawaycommentwasenoughformyromance-starvedimaginationtostartcrankingoutscenarioswherewe…nevermind.
God,Ineedanewdistraction.
3:45p.m.Askandtheuniverseprovides.GotatextfromValerie.Turnsouttheweirdgatheringshewashopingtobringmetohasaspotforme,andI’vebeen“preapprovedtocomeasaguestofhersthisonetime.”ShetoldmetokeepthisSaturdayeveningfreeandto“dressnice.”
Whatkindofgatheringisit?Iaskedherwithtrepidation.
Abookclub.
That’sit?Alousybookclub?
Look,youtotallyhavetogotothisone,shewrote.Evenifyou’renotintobooks.
Imadesuretoreadhertexttwice,incasemyeyesightwasfailing.ThenIreplied:Evenifyoudon’tlikebooks?Isn’tthatthewholepointofabookclub?
Shecalledmeimmediately.
“Look,slowpoke,thisisobviouslynoordinarybookclub,”saidValerie.“It’sthepeople,theplace.It’llbemyfirsttime,too,andIhadtobepre-screened,wait-listed—”
Pre-screened?What?
Shewasbabblingon.“—andtheonlyreasonspotsopenedupisbecausesomeonediedfromcocaineoverdoseinBarbados,isn’tthatgreat?Imean,notaboutthedeathobvs,butbecauseI’min!AndsomeoneelseisoutoftownsoI’mallowedtobringaguest,hurrah!Anyways,it’shostedinthismadbeautifulhouseonJervoisHill.TheownerissublettingittoanactressfriendofminewhousedtoswingwithaMalaysianprince,youknowtheone…”Shenamedtheprincenonchalantly.Justthesortofstatus-trumpetingfactoidyouwouldexpectfromValerie.
“Soundstempting,”Isaid.“WillIbeexpectedtoparticipateinanyritualsacrificesafterreadingaloudfromtheSatanicBible?OramItheritualsacrifice?Ihavetowarnyou,I’mnotavirgin.”
“Hardy-har-har,”shesaiddryly.“Well,Ican’tpromisetherewon’tbeanydevil-worship,consideringthatcrowd.Listen,jokesaside,youhavetocome.It’slikeaWho’sWhooftheSingaporeanelite.You’llbehobnobbingwithcareerdeciders.Whoknows,maybeyou’llevenmeetyourfuturehusband.”Asinglesmixerinasect,nothingfancy
“MustI?”Isaid.Itwasrhetoricalthough—shehadmeat“prince’sswingingbuddy.”IcouldpullaMagnusandmarrywealthy.
“I’llpickyouupatseveno’clock.Startwithsomechampersinthecar.”
“Soundsextravagant.”
“Ohyeah?Waittillyougetthere.DeeDeetoldmetheyservevintagechampagneandoystersbeforestarting.”
Ihooted.“Wow!Isthisablack-tieeventorabookclub?”
“Thisishowtheyroll,sotrynottoembarrassme,OK?”shehuffed.“Oh,bytheway,you’reexpectedtohavereadALittleLifebyHanyaYanagihara.”
“Sure,howlongisit?I’llKindleit.”
“Eighthundredpages.”
“I’lljustreadthesynopsis.”
Tuesday1March
8:20a.m.WasdistractedatworktodaybyaveryloudconversationthatSureshwashavingwithhisfiancée,Anousha,thehotshotob-gyn.
Iputinmyearphonesandturnedupthevolumetogivehimsomeprivacy,butIcouldn’thelpoverhearinghimsay,“Fivebedrooms?Whatarewegoingtodowithafive-bedroomhouseinChiswick…nodogs,Noushie,Ican’t…yousaidyouwouldmovetoSingapore…No,wetalkedaboutthis.Whatdoyourparentsmeanby…well,ItoldyoumanytimesthatIdon’tcarethatyou’renotBrahmin.”
Thishushed,agitatedconversationwentonforanothertenminutesbeforeIheardhimslamdownthephone.
“What’sup?”Iaskedinnocently.“How’sNou—Imean,Anoushadoing?”
Sureshgaveasnortoffrustrationandstartedpacingtheroom.“Anousha’sjustdroppedabombshellonme.It’sherparents.ShesaysthattheywanttobuyusahouseinLondonas‘dowry.’”Heusedairquotes,quitecharminglyImustsay.
“Wow.Ahouseasadowry?”Iwhistled.“That’sabitmuch,isn’tit?NotthatI’dhaveaproblemsayingnotoahouse.Andforgivemeforbeingrude,whyareyourparentsstillaskingfordowry?Imean,you’reacceptable-lookingandall…”Itrailedoff.
Hestoppedpacingtothrowapencilatme.“Wedidn’taskforadowry;wespecificallysaidwedidn’twantone.BothmyandAnousha’sparentsarerelativelynontraditional,soIthoughtwewerepastthat.Anyway,asforgettingahouseasa‘dowry,’ifyouknewwhatitmeantyou’drejectitlikeIplantoaskmyparentsto.Asagift,it’swaytoomuch,especiallysincetheyaren’tgivingusaninvestmentpropertybutamaritalhome!”
“What’sthereasonforsuchacrazygenerousdow—Imean,gift?”Icouldn’tunderstandhisdispleasure.Iwouldn’tmindmeafive-bedderinChiswick:Ihearit’squitegentrified.
Hemadeanimpatientnoiseandcontinuedpacing.“Theexcuseis,she’snotBrahminandIam,sotheyare‘makingupforit.’”
“Pardonmyignorance,butwhydoesthismatterinthisdayandage?”
“Itdoesn’t,nottome,butformanyIndians,eventhosewhohavemigratedoverseas,thecastesystemstillmatterswhendeterminingthesuitabilityofaromanticpartner.AndtheBrahminarethehighestofthefourcastes.”
“Idon’tgetit.YourparentsarefineabouthernotbeingBrahmin,right?Imean,theyacceptedthematchafterall.”
“Itdoesn’tmattertoomuchtomyparents,ortheywouldhavesaidsomethingwhenwestarteddating.Maybeitmatteredtomymother,butassoonasshefoundoutthatNoushiewasanob-gyn,shebasicallysaid,it’sfine,we’rejustonecastelevelapartanyway.Thisisthetwenty-firstcentury.”Hesmiledwryly.“Iknowandsheknowswhattheyarereallyafter,whichisformetomovebacktotheUK.HerparentsareusingthisasleveragetokeeptheirpreciousdaughterinEngland.”HisvoicewasroughwithsuppressedangerandIcouldseealargeveinthrobbinginhisneck.ItwasalittleunsettlingtoseeSureshdisplayanynegativeemotion—hewassonice.
“Atleastyougetahouseoutofthis,”Isaidsoothingly.“ThelasttimeIwasengagedallIgotwastheemotionalscarstoshowforit.Bigwhoop.”
Itworked.Hestoppedpacing.“Youwereengaged?”hesaid,inthetoneofsomeonewhohadjustdiscoveredthatarathehadrunoverwithhisbikewas,infact,stillaliveandwasnowsnackingonhisbiketires,despitehalfitsintestineslyingontheroad.
“Yes.”Itdidn’thurtanymore,butthinkingaboutIvanstillrankled.
“Whathappened?”Sureshasked.“Imean,ifit’snottoopersonalaquestiontoask.”
“Ineedtobedrunktotellthestory,soyou’regoingtohavetobuymeafewdrinksfirst.”
Sureshgrinned.“It’sadate.Anyway,I’msureit’shisloss.”
Ithoughtaboutthis.Ivanwasdefinitelydoingbetterthanmyvoodoodollversionofhimwas.He’dbeenpromoted(accordingtohislatestLinkedInupdate)andprofiledbyacoupleofpublicationsasbeingsomehotshotinvestmentguru.NoreasontoletSureshknowthetruththough,sinceIdidn’ttrusthim.Idecidedtochangethesubject.“Itsureis.Butlet’sconcentrateonyourproblemsfornow.”
“It’saconundrumthatshouldn’tbe,youknow?We’dalwayssaidthatafterourengagement,AnoushawouldmovetoSingaporeandjoinme.Itmakesthemostsenseforbothourcareers.Sohere’sthethingthatworriesme:Idon’tthinkit’sjustherparentswantinghertostayinLondoninsteadofmovingtoSingapore—it’sheraswell.Itfeelslikeit’scomingfromher.”
“It’syourownfault,youknow.Youshouldhavemarriedanon-Indianwoman.Thatwouldhavesolvedthedowryproblemaltogether,”Iblurted.
Silence.SureshwasnowlookingatmelikeIwastherathehadrunover,whichhadnowgivenbirthtoalitterofratbabiesonhisTod’ssuedeshoes,despiteitsspilledentrailshardeninginthemiddaysun.
“Er,joking,”Isaid,flushinganddroppingmyeyes.Ibegantopeckblindlyatmykeyboard,pretendingtobeengrossedinanemail.HereIgoagain,becomingtoofamiliarwiththeenemy.
JustwhenIthoughthe’dreallytakenoffenseatmycomment,hespokeup.
“Youknowwhat?Itseemsstrangetohearthis,butI’veneverevengivenseriouslydatinganon-Indianrealthought,”hesaid.“Don’tgetmewrong,IloveAnousha,butshe’squiteliterallytheepitomeofagoodIndiangirlfromagoodfamily,andthat’swhatI’dalwaysassumed…no,knowmyparentswouldwantforme.I’msurethatifIeverdatedanyonethatdidn’tfitthismold,especiallyifit’ssomeonefromanotherrace…”Heshrugged.“Well,Idon’tthinkmyparentswouldbetoopleasedaboutthatprospect,toputitverymildly.”
“MyparentswouldflipoutifIdatedsomeonefromanotherrace,”Iadmitted.“It’sstrange,isn’tit,howthisformofracismisstillacceptedundertheguiseofensuringthatthenewadditiontoyourfamilyhasa‘similarculturalbackgroundandvaluesystem’?IhaveverylittleincommonwithanethnicChinesewho’sspentallhislifeinVietnam,forexample.Yetsomehow…”
“We’reexpectedtounderstandeachotherjustbecausewehavethesameskintoneandfeatures,”hefinished.“Look,Idon’tknowyouverywell,butIthinkwedefinitelyhavemoreincommonthanyouwouldwiththatVietnameseman.”
“True,”Isaid,thinkingofKamarulandmysister.
“Shedoesn’tfindmycomicstripanygood,”hesaid,outoftheblue.“Anousha.Shethinksit’sjuvenile.”
“Hmm,”Ireplied,storingthistidbitawayforfurther(nefarious)use.
Sureshappearedlostinthought.Ilookedatmydesktopdigitalcounter—Icouldn’treasonablybillthislastfifteenminutesofconversationtomyclient,butIcouldmarkitdowninmytimesheetas“knowledgemanagement”(non-billablebutarespectablecode).Happywithmygenius,IwentbacktokickingSuresh’sass.Metaphorically.10
Wednesday2March
7:10a.m.WokeupthismorningtoatextfromOrson.Itsaid:
HopeIdinanythinwrongczIhvntheardbakabttatlunch/dinerdatetmw,izon?
Linda’sright.Ican’tdatehim;hecanbarelyspell.
9:05a.m.TextedhimbackonWhatsApptoconfirmourlunchdate,whichheconfirmedenthusiastically(meaninghehasabsolutelynogame,whichisawesome).ThankGodforinstantmessaging,whichhasdoneawaywiththewholewaiting-by-the-phonenonsense.Nowadaysevenadelayofthirtyminutesinansweringanemailisenoughtosetyourcolleagues’teethonedge,andnotIMingbacksomeonewhofanciesyouwhenyouhaveyourLastSeentime-stampmodeoncanbetantamounttomentalharm.
WhenItextedLindatotellher,sheexplodedintoascreenconfettiofdisapprovingandred-facedemojisinourWhatsAppchat,followedbyangryanimatedferalcatstickersinourLineapp.Thenshebroadcastedherbarelycodeddisapprovaltoourchatgroupbycaptioningapictureofadurianwith“It’sgonnafuckinghurtwhenitlandsonyourthickhead,Andrea!”justincaseIdidn’tcatchherdrift.Iwishedshewouldpickupthephoneandtellmeoffdirectlylikesheusedtointhegoodolddays.Whateverhappenedtodirectgladiatorialconfrontation,manoamano,thewayweusedtodointhenoughties?
Anyway,I’minsultedthatLindathinksI’mnomatchforthecraftywilesofamillennialhipstermunchkin.Afterall,we’vesurviveddial-upinternet,’90stelevision,andthedayswhenshoulderpadswereacceptable.Wecanovercomeanything.
11:40p.m.Havebeenworkingnonstopsince6:00p.m.,afteraclientsentusapanickedemailaskingustohandleanurgentmatter(nothingisevernon-urgentwithclients—nothing).Canfeellow-levelhysteriaenvelopingmeasIcontemplatethefloodofsnippyemailsfromtheLondonfirmrepresentingtheotherpartytothedeal—thereisprobablynochanceof
Thursday3March
1:55a.m.OMGI’MFINALLYHOMEWHYTHEHELLDIDIBECOMEANM&ALAWYER#fmltothemax
5:50a.m.WokeupinablindpanicthinkingIhadoverslept.Nosuchluck.I’mduebackintheofficeforaconferencecallat8:00a.m.FML!
7:50a.m.TheclientsjustcanceledtheconferencecalleventhoughI’dbeenpreparingforthecallforhours.
8:15a.m.WokeupwithastartwhenSureshgentlypattedmyarm,smirking.TurnedoutI’dbeendroolingonmykeyboard.Great,sleepinginfrontoftheenemy,howveryalphaofyou,Andrea.AndnowIhavekeyboardface.FML!
10:05a.m.Canstillseefaintoutlineofkeyboardonmyface.Damnmyflaggingcollagenproduction!
10:20a.m.Readonlinethatthemostfoolproofwaytoyounger-lookingskinistodrinkatleasttwolitersofwateraday.
10:25a.m.Boughttwolargebottlesofsparklingwaterandstartedtochugwaterlikewine.
10:45a.m.Finishedsecondbottleofsparklingwater.Mighthaveoverdoneit,asnowIneedtopeebadlybutamrestrainingmyselfasconstantlyneedingtheloo—Imean,toiletisasignofweakness,orattheveryleastaweakbladder.Inanycase,thewaterappearstohavefilledoutmyskincells.NowIcanhavemydatewithOrsonwithoutlookinglikeSpongeBobSquarePants.
11:07a.m.It’snouse.Ineedthewashroom.ThealternativeinvolvesachangeofclothingIdonothave.
11:15a.m.Peedlikearacehorse,orhowIimagineracehorsestopee.
11:35a.m.Peedagain.
11:50a.m.Andagain.That’llshowmetodrinkwater.
12:10p.m.Lunchtime.Panickeddashoutofoffice.We’resupposedtomeetforlunchatQuinn’s,a(real)saladbar(notmyVietnamesedeli)closeby.Itwasadeliberatechoiceonmyparttodolunch.Orsonhadtoseemeindaylightsoonerorlater,andthereisnothinglessflatteringtoanolderwoman’sfaceandneckthanharshnoondaylight,asidefrommaybethefluorescentlightinginprisonsandtherestroomsinpetrolstations.AlltheCrèmedelaMehwillnotmakeabulldoglooklikeaChihuahua,iswhatLindalikestosay(butnotinValerie’shearing,becauseValeriedoesbelievethatshecanindeedfreezetimewithherpotions,ifnotturnitbackhalfadialattheveryleast).
2:15p.m.Justbackfromfunlunch.AsusualIwasrunninglate,thankstowork.WhenIarrived,pantinganddisheveled,Isawthathewasalreadyseatedinabooth.Itookasteadyingbreathandwalkedinwiththeconfidenceofawomanwithathighgap.Orsongrinnedwhenhesawmeandweexchangedairkisses.
“SorryI’mlate.”
“Noworries,”hesaid,wavingmyprotestsaway.“Ijustgothere.Whatwouldyoulikeforlunch?”
IrememberedthathehadboughtmedrinksatLGA.“No,it’smytreattoday,”Isaidfirmly,wavingmypurseintheair.
“But—”
“Letme.”Irepeated,narrowingmyeyesbeforeIcouldstopmyself.DearGod,Iwasscary.Hehelduphishandsinmocksurrenderandgavemehisorder.
Anyway.SoonIwasseatedinfrontofOrsonandhissleekblackhair.
“So…,”hebegan.“Er,youlooknice.Ilikeyourwatchandshirt.Verychic.”
“Oh,thanks,”Ireplied.“Ilikeyour,er”—Igavehimadesperateonce-over,lookingforsomearticleofclothingIdidn’thavetolieaboutliking:Idon’tgetmalefashionthesedays,andhewasawalkingposteroftrends—“Invisalign,”Ifinishedfeebly.
Itriedhardtofindagoodconversationstarter.NowthatIwassober,forthelifeofmeIcouldn’tthinkofanythingsafe.Here’sthethingaboutdatingwithoutalcoholatmyage:it’spureagony.Youlosetheabilitytolightheartedlybanterasyouage;insteadyouworryaboutsoundingintelligent(butnotinanintimidatingfashion),beingcurrentwithouttryingtoohard,whilebeingpoliticallycorrect.PlusIcouldclearlyseeoneofthepartnersfrommylawfirmseatedjusttworowsawayfromus,munchingonananemic-lookingsalad,lookingmoroseandclearlyhopingthatsomeonewouldwalkuptohimandblowhisheadofforatleastgivehimanencouraginghandjob.God,whydidIchoosethebusiestsaladbarinthefreakingCBD*forafirstlunchdate?
Ohright.Ihadaconferencecallrightafterandit’sclosebytheoffice.Priorities.
SomehowOrsoncametotherescue.“So,whataboutthiswrap,huh?Don’tyouwishwewerehavingnasilemakinstead?Speakingofwhich,beingaMalaysian,howdoyoufindSingaporeanfood?”
Andjustlikethat,wewereofftotheraces.WepittedMalaysianandSingaporeancuisineagainsteachotheranddissedeachother’snationalclaimtohavinginventedHainanesechickenrice.Wetalkedaboutourfavoritehawkerstalls,casualandposheateries,oursecretholes-in-the-wall,alltheobscurelittleplaceswherewewouldneverbringanyoneotherthanfamily,closefriends,andbosseswewantedtobribewithnonsexualfavors.
IendeduphavingwaymorefunthatIwassupposedto.It’sstrangehowmuchOrsonandIhaveincommon.Maybeit’sfate,movinginmysteriousways?11
Friday4March
12:25p.m.TherewasahugecommotionearliertodayatworkbecauseMongfaintedinthepantry.Atfirstwethoughthe’dhadaheartattack,whichinhiscasewouldbeexpected,buthecametoafewsecondslater,lookingbemused.Hewasabouttogobacktohisofficewhenhissecretaryandoneoftheseniorpartnersintervenedandmarchedhimofftothehospital.Theyransometestsandturnsoutthemanhadcontracteddengue.Withthatdiagnosis,henowhasnochoicebuttostayhomefortwofullweeks.
Thedoctorwasapparentlysurprised/horrifiedthathewasabletogettotheofficethismorningandworksince,youknow,hewasrunningafeverandhiswhitebloodcellcountwassolowitwaslife-threatening.Butthat’sMong;he’snothingifnotdedicated.#workgoals#restecp(toquotethegreatAliG).
SureshandIhavebeentaskedtocoverhisfiles,thefewhewouldneverdelegate,preferringtoworkonthemdirectlywiththehelpofhislackeys/juniorassociates,OliviaandYuHan.Iwillneverleavetheoffice.Never.
9:35p.m.LefttheofficewithSuresh.YuHanandOliviawerekillingeachothertodistinguishthemselvestousandwereunwillingtoleavetheofficebeforeus,sowhenSureshaskedifI’dliketograbadrink,Isurprisedmyselfandsaidyes.
Madebeelinetoatinylittlepubthatispopularwiththeafter-workcrowdinourbuildingandfinishedatowerofbeerandabottleofsake.Atfirstthedrinkingtookplaceinsilence(weweretired),thenwebegantotalk.Wetalkedalotaboutourfamilies.HismotherwasnowconvincedthatheandAnoushawerenevergoingtogetmarriedintimeforAnoushatobearchildrenwithoutthehelpinghandoftechnology.HeshowedmeabizarreWhatsAppconversationwithhismotherwhereshestartedsharingarticlesabouthowimportantitisforwomenwithoutclearromanticprospectstofreezetheireggsafterhittingthirty,howspermandeggqualitydecreasewithage,whatdiseasesgeriatric-eggedbabiesweremorepronetoget,etc.
“What?”Isaid,orperhapsshouted.Iwasverydrunk.Iwasalsoveryoutraged.“Whatgivesthesegoonstherightto…therighttotellyouwheretoputit?Wherewerethey”—myvoicerosehigher—“whenyouneededtoknowwherebabiescamefromandtheytoldyoutoaskyourhighschoolbiologyteacher,becausethat’swhatthey’repaidtoteach?Where?Nowhere,thecowards!”Islammedthetabletopforemphasis,passionrising,spittleflying.“Youknowhowtodissuadethemfromsendingyoustufflikethat,right?YoujustneedtosendthemdetailedtextsaboutallthesexualpositionsyouusewithAnoushaandaskthemfortipsonhowtogeteachotherinthemood.Thatshouldmakethemstopthepassive-aggressive‘suggestions’aboutyoursexlife,thenosyjerks.”
Helookedatmeandsaid,“Andrea,stoptalkingorwemightbecomefriends.”
11:05p.m.Homeatlast.Weendedupspendingthelasttwohoursstrategizingonhowbesttothwartannoyingattemptsatmatchmaking/speedingupmarriageandbabiesbyourrespectiveparents.Surprisedbycross-culturalsimilaritiesinAsianparentsacrossthespectrum.AlsovindicatedthatIwasnottheonlyonewhostartedoutavirginatuni.Idon’tknowhowwegottosharingsomethingsopersonal,butSureshisveryeasytotalkto.Andmaybethedrinkinghelpedalittle.
Anyway,speakingofsexualinexperience,IwonderhowthingswouldbeinthesackwithOrson;nowadays,theyoungergenerationaresoblaséaboutsex.They’veseenallthemind-bogglingstuffwithoneclickthatyouhadtodigthroughdodgybookstorestogetanideaof(notspeakingfrompersonalexperience,ofcourse).Theyknowhowathreesomeworksbeforethey’veevengottentofirstbasewithanotherperson.Foryoungpeoplethesedays,pornisnotsomethingtobeconsumedinadarkcorner,withshameandpeanutbutterandjellysandwiches(again,notspeakingfrompersonalexperience).
Hmm.IwonderwhatkindofdodgystuffOrsonexpectsmetodo.Maybeit’llinvolvefood.Mmm.Food.
11:25p.m.ThisiswhatValtextedtoremindmeofourplans:
TmwbeatSwissotelpickuppointby7pmforSexyBookClubanddressNICEorelse.
Reallyknowshowtosellafundate,thatone.12
Sunday6March
2:07a.m.BackfromValerie’sshindigwithbothmykidneysandmysoulintact,sothat’sarelief.
At7:00p.m.sharp,ValerierolleduptoSwissotelinBugis.MyjawdroppedwhenshepoppedoutofablackMercedes-BenzS-Class,dressedinablackone-shoulderdressandmakingmelookcompletelydowdyincomparisoninmygrayslacks,cap-sleevedcreamsilkblouse,andsafe,goldballerinaflats.
“Sweeeeetheart!”shesaid,totteringoutinsilverheelstallenoughtomakeasupermodeloutofagnomeandholdingtwoglassesofbubbly.Everyonewasstaringather.Iscrambledintothebackofthecar,dyingtogetaway.“Whyareyoudressedsofancy?”Iasked,flabbergasted.
“DeeDee,myfriendtheex-actress,toldmetodressnice!”
IshutthedoorasValeriegotinontheotherside.“Andyouwentstraightforcocktailattire?Whatifshemeantbusinesscasual?”
“WhenDeeDeesays‘nice,’shemeans‘fabulous.’Thesepeopledon’twork!We’retalkingthinair,highaltitudehere,notyourworkingpoor!”
“Oh,excuseme,”Isaidsarcastically.“I’lljustgobacktomycorporatehovelwiththegold-platedtapsandtheMoltonBrowntoiletries,andshitwhileoverlookingthesea.”
ValeriepattedmyarmasthoughIwereatrollwithcoalforbrains.“Hush.Thepointis,youhavetowork.Ergo,poor.”
Valeriehadnonuance.Howsheendedupekingoutacomfortablelivingasacuratoratoneoftheposhest,mostrespectedartgalleriesintown,Ihadnoidea.
“Well,ifI’mpoor,soareyou,”Ishotback.
“I’mnotpoor!”Valeriesaidinadeeplyoffendedtone.ShehadbeenbrieflymarriedtotheheirofaverywealthyIndo-Chinesefamilywho,asitturnedout,wasgay.ThedudewassodeepinthedenialclosetthathewasallthewayinNarnia.Valerieliterallyhadtocatchhimintheactofhooveringchauffeurdickforhimtoadmitthat,maybe,justmaybe,hewasgay.Heartbrokenbutnotstupid,Valeriewhippedoutherphoneandtookasmanyphotosofherhusbandandhernakedchauffeurasshecouldbeforestormingoutoftheirmaritalhome,intendingtousethemtosecureagreatdivorcesettlement.Notthatherquickactionmadeabigdifferencetoherfortunesintheend:unfortunately,
“It’sallamatterofperspective,”Valeriewassaying.“Idon’tneedtoworkforalivingifIdon’twantto.Ilikemyjob.”
Wedecidedthatwewouldstoparguinginfavorofdrinkingthechampagne,adelectable2002PolRogerrosé,whichwasfizzingdangerouslyflat.Prioritiesandall.
Weeachdownedtwoglassesinquicksuccession,whichwasunusualforValerie.
Isoonfoundoutwhy.“Youknow,Iwasjokingaboutthedevil-worshipthelasttimewespoke,ofcourse,buttobehonest,givenDeeDee’sswingerreputation,anythingispossibletonight,”Valeriesaidaswewoveourwaythroughrush-hourtraffic.“WecouldfindourselvesinanEyesWideShutsituationlater.”
“That’sexactlywhatI’mworriedabout,”Iconfided.“Ifthisturnsouttobesomekinkyswingersevent,I’mgoinghome.Ihaveonunderwearsooldthatitcanshrinkanerection,andI’drathernobodysawittonight.”
“AndtheclosestI’veevergottentoanygroupactionwaswatchingaNationalGeographicspecialonsnakes!”
“Whathavewegottenourselvesinto?”Isaidwildly.“Weshouldturnaroundandgobacknow.”
“Youcan’t,”theGrabdrivercutin.
“Andwhynot?”Valeriedemanded.
“Well,youhavetoreenteryourdestinationintotheapp,plusI’mnotturningarounduntilI’veseenthiscrazyhotpartyhouse.Andalso,we’vearrived.”
Sowehad.
Afterwehadpassedthroughsecurity,weweredepositedinfrontofanimposingoak,usheredintoareceptionroombyamaidinanactualuniform,andgivenafluteofchampagneeach.ThenDeeDeeHalim,formerbeautyqueen,model,ex-actress,andallegedorgybuddyofaprince,greetedusherselfatthedoorinajeweledkaftaninflamingopinkandgoldandanarmfulofgoldCartierLoveandFreyWillebangles,interspersedwithbrightturquoisebeadbracelets.Itwasabreathtakingvision.Shewasstillbeautiful,withfull,sensuousfeatures,ashockofgrayinghairsweptintoabun,andlarge,limpideyesthecolorofsand.
“Darling,”shesaid,air-kissingValerie.“Don’tyoulookadorable.”Evenhervoicewasvelvety.
“Don’tyou!”Valeriecooed,notseemingtomindsmashinghercarefullyhoned,JanetJackson–esquewaxencheekbonesagainstDeeDee’srealones.
DeeDeeturnedthefullblareofthosedoe-likeeyestomeandweexchangedairkisses.“AndyoumustbeAndrea,Valerie’sgoodfriend.”
“Isuream,”Isaidinanunnaturalhighvoice.Ihadtofightbacktheimpulsetosay“ma’am”likeaschoolchild.
“Pleasedtomeetyou,”DeeDeesaid.“Followme.”Shesashayedaway.
Itwashardnottogawkassheleduspastroomafterwell-appointedroomtothelivinghall.WewerelikeAliceenteringWonderland—anextremelytastefullyexecuted,designerWonderland.YouknowthoseachinglybeautifulhousesyoufindinArchitecturalDigest,Home&Design,orPinterest?ThosegorgeoushomesthathavecustomeverythingandneverhadanIkeaanything?Thiswasthathouse.Hardwoodfloors,tastefullighting,abrutalistchandelierthatthrewamber-goldlighteverywhere.Wallsdoneinwashesofecruandpearl,hungwithquietart;adiningroomwithporcelainvases,brasssculptures,andacrystalchandelieralmostaslongasatable.
Thelivinghallwasthemostcolorfulroominthehousesofar,thankstotheowner’sinterestingcollectionofbrightlycolored,eclecticart:atrioofMirós,whatwasmaybeanAlphonseMucha,framedPersianminiaturesindazzlingdetail,beautifulcollagesfromanartistthatneitherofusknew,andalarge,showstoppingcenterpiecebyanartistcalledAshleyBickertonthatmadeValeriegasp.Bouquetsofburgundytulipsandliliesincrystalvasesdottedtheroom.
Ilookedaround,intimidated,asIunderstoodwhatValeriehadbeentryingtotellme:Iwasunderdressed.Adozenorsobeautifulpeopleincocktail-appropriateattirewerefannedoutaroundtheroom,chattinggailyastwowaitersinlinenpantsandwhiteshirtscirculatedwithflutesofchampagneandplattersofhorsd’oeuvres.Inonecorneroftheroomwasalargeislandoffood:icedtraysofoysters,miniquiches,anassortmentofminitoasts,twodifferentsalads,bowlsofolives,gorgeousplattersofmacaronsandchocolatetruffles,nexttoabarwhereasmilingchefstoodbehindthecounter,slicingsashimithatnooneseemedtobeaskingfor.
Itriedtoactnonchalant.BesidemeValerie’seyeswereglazedwithdesireandwonder,andshewaspossiblylow-gradehyperventilating.“OMG,that’sWilsonLam!”shewhisperedexcitedly.Ihadnoideawhoshewastalkingabout,butbeforeIcouldreplyshehaddashedoff,RoadRunner–style,toamaninawhitesuitwithsilverhairandmoreworkdoneonhisfacethanValerie’s.Awhitesuit!Ishookmyhead,amused.ButthenIsawagood-lookingmaninhisfortiesinabrocadebleudefrancesuitwithaHermèsorangebowtieandmatchingpocketsquarewalkinwithapoodleonamonogrammedleash,followedbyawomaninrippedacid-greenjeans,ablacklong-sleevedtopwithlargepaillettessewnintothecollarandcarryinganeonyellowpatentleatherbag,andthattookallthewindfrommysails.MaybeIwastheonewhowasoutofplace,notthem.
ForafewminutesIstoodtherealone,sippingonchampagne,unsureofwhattodo.Alltheguestswereengagedinintimateconversationswithunwelcomingbodylanguage.Twiceorthrice,withdifferentgroups,ItriedtoinsertmyselfintoaconversationandwaspolitelybutsocleanlyrebuffedthatIgaveupandwanderedovertogorgeonoysters.ButwhenIsawthatIwastheonlypersoneatingIfeltuncomfortableandstopped.Ilookeddownatthetablewherenineemptyoystershells,mine,layonthebonewhiteporcelainbowlandIfeltexposedbymypeasantgluttony.
Thelivingroom’sglassslidingdoorswereopen.Islippedoutontoaslopinglawnwithalong,litoblongpoolandanunobstructedviewofthecity.Ispiedahillsidedeckontheedgeofthemanicuredlawnandmademywaytowardit,eagertotakeinthemagnificentviewofthecitywithitsblinkingneoneyes.AsIstrolledItookinthelargeraintreesborderingthelawn,old,majestic,framingthestarlessnightskywiththeirstarkblackboughs.Someonehadstrungfairylightsinthetreestomakeupforthemissingstars;theyneedn’thavebothered.Therewerefirefliesinthebushesanddartingthroughthefrangipani-scentednightair.
Isteppedgingerlyontothetimberdeck,nervoustobethisclosetotheedgeofahill.Buttheviewwasworthit.HerewasSingapore’sCBD,skyscrapersslashedwithlight.StandingthereonthedeckIcouldheartherustleofbirdwingsandthesongofcrickets.Crickets!
Tearssprang,unbidden,tomybeady,plebeianeyes.Thatsomuchbeautywaspossibleintheheartofthisstone-and-concretecity,thatitshouldbeownedbyoneperson,whileIpaidalmosthalfmysalaryandalmostallmywakinghoursfornotevenahundredthofthisspace—ithurt.Howcouldthisbewhatmylifehadbecomeabout?
“Isthisspottaken?”someonesaidinthedarknessbehindme.
Startled,Iwhirledaround.Behindmewasoneofthewaiters,leaningagainstthedeckrailinginacreasedwhitelinenshirtandanequallyrumpledpairoftanlinenkhakis.Hewasolder,inhislatefortiesorearlyfifties,andhadakindfacewithintenseeyes.“Notatall,”Isaid.“There’senoughdeckspaceforaharemofdancinghippos.”
Hechuckled.“Cuteimagery.”Hegesturedattheview.“Isn’tthissomethingspecial?Imean,theSingaporeskylineisnowherenearasgrandasHongKong’sandShanghai’s,butIpreferit.It’smore…approachable,ifthatmakessense.”
“Hmmm,”Imanaged,noncommittal.Itotallygotwhathemeant.
Icouldfeelhimstudyingmyprofile.“Youdon’tsoundveryenthused.Areyounotenjoyingyourself?”
“It’sjust…so…much,youknow?Thesepeople.”Ipointedatthebeautifullyrichcluster,visiblethroughtheglassdoors.“Thisplace.It’sadream.IfeellikeI’vejustwalkedintoasnowglobeofmagicrich-peopleglitter.It’sjustalittletoofabulous.ButwhatdoIknow,I’mjustapooreveryman.”Ilaughedalittleself-consciously—whatmustthisoldermanthinkofpoorli’lentitledmemoaningaboutlifeinmyrelativelypriceyclothesandchampagneand$350cologne.Ileanedtowardhimandadoptedaconspiratorialtone.“Anyway,betweenyouandme,Ican’tfigureoutthisevening.Imean,Iknowit’ssupposedtobeabookclub,butcomeon,weallknowit’sreallyjustanexcuseforabunchofsuperrich,obnoxiouspeopletofellateeachother’segos,amIright?”
Hiseyestwinkledatme.“I’vehearditsaidthat‘Thereareonlytwothingswrongwithmoney:toomuchortoolittle.’Isupposeyouthinkthesepeoplehavetoomuch.”
“Yes.AndIknowwherethatquote’sfrom,that’sbyCharlesBukowski.”Iwasfullofadmiration;he’dquoteditwordforword.“Areyouintopoetryaswell?”
“Alittle.Ilikethegreats:LiBai,BaiJuyi,LiShangyin.DoyoureadChinesepoetry?”
IquotedaMengHaoranpoeminresponse*
“Beautiful.”Hewasstudyingme;Iblushed.“Ithinkanappreciationofpoetryisagoodfoundationforanyrelationship.Ifyou’rebored,youcanjusthangoutwithme.IpromiseIwon’ttalkaboutmyfleetofLambosormywatchcollection.Wecanjusttalkaboutyou.”Heofferedhisrighthand.“I’mEric.”Hehadanunusualaccent,unplaceable,witharaspysmoker’svoice.
“I’msorry,wherearemymanners?I’mAndrea.”Iextendedmyhandtoshakehisandhepresseditagainsthislipsbeforereleasingitgently.Itwasanunaffected,gracefulgesture.ItwasthenIrealizedthathewasn’tawaiter—hewasoneoftheguests.JudgingbyhiswrinkledclothingandhisAppleWatch,thiswasafellowinterloper,oneoftheworkingpoor,perhapsafriendofaricherfriend.
Wechattedcomfortablyforabituntilweweresummonedbyalittledinnerbell.IshookmyheadatEricandmadeaface,whichhechuckledat.
“Theoverlordsawait,”Isaidwryly.
“Come,fellowserf,”hesaid,takingmyarm.“Let’sgoeatsomemoreatas*mollusks.”
“Amanaftermyownstomach,”Isaid,ecstatic.“What’sthepointofhavingprimoseafoodifeveryoneisonsomekindofdiet?Andthosedesserts!”
“I’llaskHirotopackallthecupcakesandmacaronstogo.Mostofthepeopleinthereareglutenintolerantanyway.”
Inodded,half-listening,myeyesontheislandoffood,especiallytheglisteningicetrayofoysters.Iwasreadyforaction,butitwasnottobe.DeeDeewasmotioningforthegrouptobeseated.Reluctantly,Istrodepastthebeckoningfoodandtookmyseatwiththerestofthemonthelargeleathercouches.EricandIsatourselvesnexttoValerieandatall,emaciatedblondwomaninasilverydress.TherewasanexpectantbuzzascopiesofALittleLifewerefishedoutofbags.IappearedtobetheonlyonewithaKindle,whichwassurprising.Ididn’tcare.IturnedtheKindleonandpulledoutatwo-pagercheatsheetofthebook.Now,Valeriehadtoldmetoreadthebook,whichobviouslyIhadn’t,butIhadreadthesummaryandmadeclevershorthandnotesforeachcharacter;Ihadeventakendownsomechoicequotesincasethingsgotseriouslygranular.Iknewhowanalretentivetheultra-richcouldbefromdealingwiththematwork.Whenyou’renotworking,youprobablyhavetimetomemorizequotes.
DeeDeebegan.“WelcomeonceagaintotheBacaBukuclub.Ibelievewehavetwonewgueststonight”—shesmiledinValerie’sandmydirection—“socaneveryoneintroducethemselvestotheroomwithyourfirstnameandafewwordsaboutyourselfbeforewestartthediscussions?”
Onebyone,wecomplied.Theintroductionswereprettysober;noonemadeanyjokeyquips(thegroupkneweachothertoowell,Isupposed),soIwasobligedtoswallowmineaboutbeinganalcoholicdesk-boundpaperpusher.InsteadIsaid,“Andrea,lawyerandoysterfan,”tothemirthofEric,whofollowedwiththesimple,“Eric,entrepreneur.”
“Ihopeyou’veallreadHanyaYanagihara’snewtome,ALittleLife,thebookwewillbediscussingtonight.It’ssuchagemandMichikodarlingsays—”
“Michikowho?”IwhisperedtoEric.
“Kakutani,theliterarycritic,”Ericwhisperedback.“Youknow,oftheNewYorkTimes.”
“Ooh,aretheyfriends?”Iwasdeadimpressed.
Ericsmirked.“IthinktheymetonceatsomeNewYorksoirée,andnowshefollowsMissKakutanionTwitter.”
Irolledmyeyes.
“Rashidah’sagoodwomanwho’sunfortunatelystrickenwithlowself-esteem,”hesaid.IttookmehalfabeattorealizehewastalkingaboutDeeDee.
DeeDeewasprattlingon.“Butofcourse,Ican’tgofurtherwithoutacknowledgingthehospitalityofourhost,whonotonlyallowsmetothrowsuchbookappreciationpartiesandwhateverfancifulfetemylittleheartdesires,butisalsogenerousenoughtoletmestayathissumptuoussummerresidenceforthemonthsinwhichImustserveoutmytimeastaxresidentonthisisland”—atwitterofmirthfromtheaudience,manyofwhomwerenodoubtdoingthesame—“untilIreturntoNewYork,where,ofcourse,theactionis,asweallknow.”
“Wow,whatasweetarrangement!I’llbetshe’sbangingthebrainsoutofthatoldfart,”Iwhispered.
“Shedoesseemlikethetypetotakeadvantageofahaplessman,”Ericagreed,grinning.“AlthoughI’mcurioustoknowwhatmakesyouautomaticallyassumethatheisolder,andnotyounger,thanDeeDee,andmorepertinently,whatmakesyouthinkshe’shistypeatall?”
“—butenoughmoaningaboutthepaltryartscenehere.I’vehardlybeensufferinginthisgorgeousplaceinthecompanyofsuchgraciousfolk,andnonemoregraciousthanmyhostandmyoldfriend,thegenerous,inimitable,theoneandonly—MisterEricDeng!”
IcouldfeeltheblooddrainingfrommyfaceasIswiveledoncemoretolookatEric,whowassmilingdownatmenowashestoodandwavedtoacknowledgethecheeringaudience.Astheapplausedieddownhesatbackdownandwhispered,“WeshoulddefinitelyhavelunchtogetherifI’mnottoooldforyourtastes,whatsayyou,Andrea?”13
11:20a.m.AbarrageoftextsfromValerie,whichhelpfully,inluriddetail,chronicledeverythingthathadtranspiredlastnight.
*EricDeng!*shemarveled.
EricDeng,Indonesianluxehotelierandrealestatetycoon.Yousnaggedyourselfa*tycoon*
Thewayshedescribedit,wewereonourwaytobuyingaranchtogetherandmakingaflockoflittleEricsandAndreas,insteadofstayingbackexchangingmaybetwohoursofcasualchitchatafterdiscussingthefinerpointsofALittleLifewhileIvacuumedtherestoftheFinedeClaireoystersintomymouth,whichIreasonedwouldhavediedfornaughtiflefttoexpire,uneatenandunappreciated,insomedump.We’ddonealittledrinking(ValerieandIalsostayedtohelpfinishthechampagnewithDeeDeeandRalphKang,oneofEric’sfriends,whileEricdrankwater—hewascuttingdownhisalcoholintakeonordersfromhisphysician,onaccountofEric’sgout),andalittleflirting.RalphisgagaforValerie,althoughshe’sdoingherbesttoignoreit.ShemethimwhileIwashangingoutinthegardenwithEric,whowasleavingthenextdaytospendsometimeinVietnamforthelaunchofhisnewesthotel.TherewasthisslightlyawkwardmomentwhenweweresayingourgoodbyesandErichadleanedovertoair-kissme(Ithink),butIwassostartledthatIjumpedthreefeetbackintoawall,whichofcoursekilledanyhintofsexualtension.Weendedupgivingeachotherhandshakes.Handshakesarewhatyougiveaccountantsandauntsyoudon’tlikeverymuch—youknow,theonesthatgiveyoufive-dollarangpaosduringChineseNewYearandaskyouhowlongyouintendtobealoneand/orbarren,beforedrivingoffattheendofthenightintheirlatestMercedes.
Valeriealsoprovidedmewithaone-linerbioforRalphKang,whichwasn’tmuch(somehow,Idon’tthinkhehadalwaysbeennamed“RalphKang”).Hewasacousinofheroriginaltarget,thewhitesuitshehadmistakenforWilsonLam,afamousHongKongactor.Apparently,Ralphwassomehotshottechmultimillionaireinhismid-fifties,butValerieisnotimpressedbymoney.She’swaymoresuperficialthanthat:sheisimpressedbygoodlooksandclass.
YetsomehowRalphhadcorneredherintoagreeingtohavedinneroncehegotbackfromSanFrancisco,wherehe’sgotacoupleofstart-upshe’smentoring.
“Pleasecomeoutwithusthenexttimehe’sbackintown,”shepleaded.“Idon’twanttosaynotoRalphandIdon’twanttohangoutalonewithhim.IneedawingpersonandIcan’taskLin—Imean,youandIhadablasttogether,didn’twe,andIintroducedyoutoEricandnowyou’regoingtoseehimagain,aren’tyou?Bytheway,youowemeonehundredandfifteenbucksforyourhalfofthetwoGrabrides,andwhatdidyouthinkaboutthathouse?”
“Wha—?”Isaid,lostintheslipstream.Then,“Onehundredandfifteen?”inshock.
“Yes,becauseofsurgepricingandpremiumcharges.Nowstoptryingtochangethesubject,”Valeriesaid,blithelychangingthesubject.Shegrabbedmywrist.“Andjusttellmeifyouwouldbeupforhavingdinnertogether.EricisRalph’sfriendandinvestor,isn’tthatalovelycoincidence?Sayyou’lldoit,”sherasped,digginghermanicuredfingernailsintomywrist.
IsaidIwould.ThiswayIwouldhaveaplanBtomeetEricagain,sinceIrealizedonceValandIleftthathe’dneveractuallygottenmynumberafteraskingmeoutinfrontofeveryone.Hestruckmeasamanofhisword;still,itwasalwaysgoodtohaveabackupplan,justincase.
2:35p.m.Havespentapleasantlunchhourlookingup,OK,stalking,EricDeng.Thereisverylittleinformationabouthimonline,andalmostzerosocialmediafootprint.HisLinkedInprofilehasadecentheadshotfromsomeannualreport,basicallysayshe’san“investor,”andshowsthathehaslessthanfiftyconnections.Thelackoffreelyavailableinformation,evenifit’scuratedtodeathlikethebestofwhateverisavailableonlinethesedaysaboutsomeone,isveryworrying.HowwillIknowwhattypeofmusicheenjoys,ifhethinksPollockisart(yuck),ifheisacappuccinoorflatwhiteorespressokindofguy?Whatarehispoliticalviews?Hisreligiousviews?And,moreimportant,ishismotherstillalive?
IguessI’llneverknow.
2:38p.m.Ofcourse,Icouldaskhim.Butwhere’sthefuninthat.
Wednesday9March
7:45a.m.GotatextfromOrsonaskingmeouttodinnertomorrow.Amtemptedtosayyes,eventhoughIknowhe’stooyoungforme.
8:15a.m.Dilemma.CalledLindaforadvice.Shegotmadandtoldmetosavemyselfforthewonderfulage-appropriatemenshe’dvettedfromtheTinderslushpilethatshe’dbeenpainstakinglychattingtoforthepastthreeweeks,orelse.Honestly,Diary,she’sstartingtosoundalotlikemymom(butmaybeI’llwaittillIhaveaccesstomyFacebookandTinderaccountsfirstbeforeItellherthat).
9:25a.m.TextedOrsonandagreedtoadinnerdate,justnottomorrowasIhavetosetasidesufficienttimetoexercisefeverishlyoverthenextfewdaysinpreparationforpotentialshag.HaveinsteadproposeddinnernextThursday.
Orsonagreedtothedateandsuggestedwemeetatsomeswishnewcocktail-and-tapasbarthathasjustopenedattherevampedNationalGallery.
DecidednottotellLindaaboutthedateincaseshetalksmeoutofit.
8:45p.m.MetLindafordinneratLauPaSatforTinderhandover.It’dbeenanotherlongdayatwork,butIdidnotsuccumbtotheusualtemptationtoeatalargeportionofgreasycharkwayteow;insteadIdowngradedtoasmallservingofcharkwayteow,sharedwithanunusuallyfocused,silentLinda,whowastextingfeverishlywithwhatIassumedweremyTindermatches.
“CanIaskyousomething?”shesaid,aftershecameupforair.Withoutwaitingforareply,shecontinued.“Wouldyoudateamarriedmanifhewasseparatedfromhiswife?”
“Err…,”Isaid,joltedoutofmyownreveriebyherquestion.“Idon’tknow.IthinkIwouldneedmoredetails.”
“Let’ssaytheyareinthemidstofadivorce.”
“Alwaysaconvenientlietofallbackon,”Isneered.“Belovedbycheatingscumallovertheworld.”
“Theyliveapart.”
“So?Thatdoesn’tmeananything.Lotsofhusbandsliveapartfromtheirwivestemporarily,especiallyifthey’repostedabroad.”
“TheyarebothSingaporean,andthey’vebeenlivingapartforayear,”shesaid.“Anyway,whatever.It’snotimportant.”
Imadeahalfheartedattemptatpryingmoreinformationoutofherbutgotnothing.NotthatIwasterriblyinterested,tobehonest.IwantedtodaydreamaboutOrson.
Shesighed.“Anyway,justasIpromised,I’vedistilledyouroptionsdowntothefourworthiestcandidates.Yourlog-indetailsforyourFacebookandTinderprofilesarepostedonourprivatechat.Enjoy!”
IopenedWhatsAppandsawthatshehadsetbothpasswordsasIwannawang.
10:35p.m.SettleddownonmycouchwithaglassofwineandlaunchedTinder.Lookedatmyfourmatchesandreadthechathistories.LindamimickedmesowellIwasalittleworried.AmIthatpredictable?
Someoftheopeninggambitsfromthefourmenwerequitenovel.Thefirstmatchaskedifabeerandawhiskydrinkercouldevertrulymixandthathewas“hop-ping”tofindout.Anothercouldn’tbelievethatIcheckedsomanyboxesonhisperfectmatelistsohewashopingtotakemeoutandseeifIwereageneticallymodifiedbeingfromthefuturesentbackintimefromhisdesperatemotherinanefforttolurehimawayfromhisworkasaseniorinvestmentbanker(show-off,butquirky).Thentherewastheopenerfromthethird,whichwent,“I’msickofbeingasexy,intelligentthirdwheel.Helpmeendthisnightmarenow!”ThefourthonesaidIseemedlikesomeonethatevenahardenedserialkillerwouldspareforthesakeofhumanity,andhewaslookingforwardtosparingmylifeinperson(Ilikedthisonebest).Theyallhadnice,witty,orcuteprofiles,weredecent-lookingandage-appropriate,andrespondedwelltoLinda’sversionofmyoddballhumor,whichbodedwellforourdatesiftheyhappenedatall.Therewaspotentialhere.ItmademewonderifIreallywasmissingout.I’lljusttakethisappforatrialrun,seeifthereareothercontendersthatLindamighthavemissed.
11:55a.m.Oh,hey,FilipinoJason’sonTinder.Maybehe’sstraight?Orlookingforaplatonicfriendship?Orbeard-hunting?HisfamilyisprettyCatholic.I’llswiperightjustforfun.
12:05a.m.Ha,wematched.Senthimaneggplantemojiasajoke.Wrote:
Isn’titwaypastyourbedtime?
12:17a.m.Hewrote:
Idomybestparalegalworkatnight*stalkstalk*
Jasonhadasenseofhumor.Whoknew.
MaybeI’llswiperightonafewotherprofiles,justtoseewhathappens.
12:35a.m.Yikes.Somanydickpics.Somanyunimpressivedickpics.
12:40a.m.ComplainedaboutTwitterwastelandtoSuresh,theonlypersonIknewwhowouldbeawakeatthishour,becausework.Somehow,sinceourlastafter-workdrink,we’dbecomefriendly,ifnotfriends
Hereplied:
It’s12:40a.m.—whatwereyouexpecting?Andcallmeold-fashioned,butI’dpreferagoodsetupbyfriendsoraworkromancetoonlinedating.
Well,hecantalk;he’sgotsomeonewaitingforhimathome,evenifit’sacrosstheglobe!
12:45a.m.Interestingthathementionedworkromance.Iwouldnevergothere,butthat’sbecauseIhaveprinciples.Andcommonsense.14
Thursday10March
8:02a.m.Wokeupwithastartandsawwhattimeitwas.Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!
8:05a.m.Musthavesleptthroughalarmbecausewasupsolatescrollingthroughdickpicsandtellingoffsicksendersofdickpics!!!
8:45a.m.SoIrealizethatImighthaveaslightproblemwithimpulsecontrol.Especiallywithtechnology.
9:10a.m.Arrivedatworkreallylateandpanicky,asIhavetowalkpastMong’sofficetogettomine,beforeIrealizedthatMongwasstillincapacitatedbydengue.Rejoice!
9:13a.m.Imean,notrejoicingbecausehe’sdeathlyill,butyouknow.
9:45a.m.Mongwasinour,Imean,myoffice,chattingwithSuresh,whenIburstin.IgaspedwhenIsawhim,andmymindwentblank.OutofthecornerofmyeyeIsawSureshsmilebeatifically.Urgh,great,Sureshwaswinninginfrontoftheboss.
Monggavemealookofdisappointment.“You’relate,”hesaid,wheezing.
“I,ah,yousee,myphone—”
“Howwasyourclientmeeting?”Sureshpipedup.
“Very,um,fullof…potential,”Imanagedtosay,confused,beforeIrealizedhewastryingtohelpmeout.
Mong’seyesfocusedonme,laser-sharp.“With?”heaskedsuspiciously.Healwayswanteddetailsofmeetings.
Istraightenedupandmentallycomposedmyself.Aflashofinspirationstruck.“I’ve,ah,developedaleadwith,ah,theDulitGroup.WithEricDeng.”
Mong’seyesflewopen,whichwasalwaysstartlingsincetheywereshotthroughwithbrokencapillaries,nowmoresothanusual.“That’sgreatnews,Andrea,”hesaidwarmly.
“Er,areyoustillsupposedtobeathomeresting?Afterdengue?”Isaid,desperatetochangethesubject.
“Imissedtheoffice.”
Ofcourse.
HeambledoffwithdifficultyandIbreathedasighofrelief.GrudginglyIthankedSureshforhelpingmeout.
Hegrinnedandsaid,somewhatplayfully,“DidIreally,though?OrdidIallowyoutoentrapyourselfinalieyounowhavetoextricateyourselffrom?”
MyGod,hewasanevilgenius!
Saturday12March
11:30a.m.Success!Wokeuptodaycompletelyfine,nothungoveratall.Amiracle,consideringallthathadhappenedyesterday.
Wentoutfortheusualpost-workFridayshenaniganswiththeusualcrew(plustwojuniorcolleaguesofmine,bothfemaleandmarried)toaswishwhiskeybar.Weweresupposedtomeetat8:00p.m.,butsomehoweveryoneexceptLindawasthereby7:00p.m.,evenme.(SureshandInowhaveanunspokenOfficeFace-TimeBattletruceonFridays,wherewebothleaveataboutthesametimefromwork;whileIusuallyhavenoideawhathedoesafterwork,todayIgotaglimpse:IoverheardsomeoneonspeakeraskinghimtomakeupthenumbersforsomethingcalledKah-Tan,whichisprobablycodefor“swingers’partywherepeopledressasMMAfighters.”)
WhenLindacontinuedtobeano-showat9:30p.m.,JasonstartedtogetconcernedsinceBenhadtoldusongroupchatthathewasbuying(celebratinghisbonus,arealwhopper)andmoneywas“noobject”andLinda,who’sstillChineseenoughatheart,wouldusuallytakeadvantageofsuchanoffer(notthatsheisn’tgenerouswhenitcomestoherowncash;she’scoollikethat).
“She’snotreplyingtomytexts,andIknowshecan’tbeworking.Lindawouldneverprioritizeworkoverdrinks,plusshe’sknownasthequeenofdelegationatherlawfirm.AndherWhatsApptimestampsaysthatshe’snotlookedatherphonesinceseven-oh-eight.That’sunusual.”
Ishrugged.“She’sanadult.”
Oh,yeah,thereasonIwasrestrainingmyselfdrinks-wise—at9:00p.m.orsoIwasmeetingupwithoneoftheTindermatches,Alexthebeerpunguy(hehadthemostattractiveprofilepic),atthewhiskeybarforaquickdrink.MeetingIRLwasfunandhegotalongwellwithVal,Jason,andBen,butmyheartwasn’treallyinitandIdidn’tfeelastrongphysicalpulltowardhim,somuchsothatwhenheproposedaseconddateIimmediatelyrejectedhim,afterwhichheshowedhistruecolors:heswitchedtargetsandstartedhittingononeofmycolleagues,thesoleteetotalerofthegroup,who’sinherearlythirtiesandthemotheroftwins.IwassurprisedwhenIsawthemleavethebartogetheraround1:00a.m.,hishandunmistakablyonherassandherlipsfastenedtohis.IthoughtshewashappilymarriedandastaunchMuslim—atleastthat’swhatherFacebookprofiletoldme.
ShedidhowevertextmethismorningandtoldmenottoletsliptoanyonethatAlexhad“givenheralifthome,thatwasall.”
Right.IsupposehewasalsojustgivingherCPR.
AfterAlexhadleft,IhungaroundwithJasontokeepaneyeonBen,whowaspastwasted,sinceValwasAWOL(sheprobablywenthomeearlywithoutournoticing;sheandJasonarehardlyeverdrunk—they“don’tbelieveinbinge-drinking,”whateverthatmeans);ImyselfwastoodisillusionedbywhatIhadwitnessedtonighttodrink.SomuchforTinderromances—I’mgladIhaveOrsontolookforwardto!15
Thursday17March
8:30a.m.D-day!Wenttoworktodaywearingmydateoutfit,sinceIprobablywouldn’thaveenoughtimetodashhomeforanoutfitchange.Afterhoursofagonizing,Isettledonabespokethree-quarter-sleevedkellygreenDVF-stylewrapdressinaflatteringsilkjerseyfabric,withaskirtshortenoughtorevealmykneecaps,whichwerestillprettydespitebeingtheapproximatehueofmoonlitmolerats.IcompletedmylookwithablackChanelBoyBagandsexyblackpairofErdemkittenheels.
“Wow,youlooksopretty,”Kaiexclaimedwhenshesawme.Iwishshehadn’tsoundedquitesosurprised,butIguesswhenyou’reinyourmid-twentiesandaPilatesfanatic,thebarissetprettyhigh.
“Thanks,”Isaid,blushingalittleasafewothercolleaguescrowdedaroundandchimedinwiththeirowncompliments(exceptaskulkingGenevieve).“Ihavethis,erm,networkingthinglater.”
“Youhavesuchanicefigure;youshouldshowitoffmoreoften,”Kaisaid,totallyunawarethatmyhourglassfigurewastheresultofsqueezingmyselfintoSpanxunderwearthatwas,asshewasspeaking,constrictingthebloodsupplytomylimbsandbrain.Shewinked.“Wesinglewomenshouldlookgreatallthetime,incaseMr.Rightislurkingaroundthecorner.”
Ishudderedinternally.Whataterrifyingrealitytocontemplate:tohavetodresslikethiseveryday,whenmydefaultworkoutfit,sensiblelightwooltrouserswithlong-sleevedsilktops,allowedawomaninherthirtiestocomfortablyscarfdownacreamcheesebagelandtwocupcakesforlunch,afterwhichshecoulddiscreetlyundothefasteningofsaidtrouserssothatthebelly,thussatiated,couldspreadoutinpost-digestionbliss.
Thethingaboutdressingforadatewhenyou’realmostinyourmid-thirtiesandnotayogaorfitnessinstructoristhatyouarenolongerprimpingbutliterallyremodeling.Gonearethedayswhenyoucouldthrowonacutesleevelessdress,spritzonsomecologne,andwaltzyourwayoutofthehouse,saunteringunderwhateverfluorescentlightyoucomeacrossinsteadofshrinkingbackwiththehissofavampiremeetingabeamofUVlight.Instead,timeisspentmassagingboltsofcelluliteclothcalledyourskin,tweezinghairsthathavesuddenlytakenrootinoddspotsonyourfacewhileslatheringonthecontentsofjarsofwhateverlow-gradetoxinisnowfashionabletobattletheonsetoflaughlines.Thenyouagonizinglypouryourselfintoamodern-daycorsetjusttobeabletowearthatvaguelyfigure-skimmingdress,hopingtotheGoodLordabovethatyourdatedoesn’tsuggestdessert.
IhopeI’vemadeitclearthatI’mtotallylookingforwardtomydate,bytheway.
5:00p.m.Spentthedaytryingtofocusonworkbutfailedmiserably.Hoppedononefantasytrainafteranother.RecalledthatoneofthelocalcelebrityTVnewsanchors,wholikemewasinhermid-thirties,wasalsodatingamuchyoungerman,butcouldn’tforthelifeofmerememberhisname.Willjustgooglehernow.
5:05p.m.Yikes.They’vebrokenup.Anyway,Ishouldtakethisonestepatatimeandnotstartthinkingofweddinghashtags.Thatislame,eventhough#AndySonWedsistotallycoolorsickorwhateverslangwordisusedthesedaystodenotetrendiness.
6:05p.m.Igotuptogo.WavedgoodbyeatabemusedSuresh,withwhomIamstilllockedinaspiralingOfficeFace-TimeBattle
“Goodluck,”Kaisaidslyly,afterIhadgivenhermyout-of-officeinstructionsshouldanyonecall,whichwasnotunlikely—clientsarelikeDementors:assoonastheysenseasurgeofyouthfuloptimismwhenyoushouldbelowonmoraleandslavingovertheirfilesasyoubemoanyourlifechoices,theycomea-callingandemailing,thesoulsuckers
Iexitedthebuilding,tookacabtotheNationalGallery,andbeganwalkingwithaspringinmysteptowardthecocktailbar.Ihadtimeditperfectly:thesunwasdippingtowardthehorizonandthelightwaswarmandflattering,perfectforanalfrescodiningdate.OrsonwasalreadytherewhenIarrived,dressedintailoredslacksandacrispwhiteshirtwithanorangeHermèstieshowcasingapatternoftiltedkayaks.Hegreetedmebypressinghisrightcheekagainstmine.
“Youlooksolovely,”hemurmuredaswesatdown.“Ihopeyoudon’tmind,butIorderedchampagneandadozenoysterstostart.”
BychampagnehemeantabottleofDomPérignonvintagerosé.Isippedthebubbly,openedthemenuthatthewaiterhandedme,andnearlypassedoutatthepriceofthechampagnehehadordered—itcostwhatI’dimagineablack-marketliverwouldfetchinAmerica.
Seriously,wherewasthiskidgettinghismoneyfrom?
Weproceededtohaveatapasdegustationmenuwithwinepairing.Theconversationflowedeasily,especiallyasIgotdrunkerbythehour.
Dinnerendedaround11:00p.m.Orsoninsistedonpayingforusboth,incash.Asinhepeeledoutawadofcashfromhiswalletlikeamagicianpullingflowersfromahat.Isawthebillandrealized,withsomeshock,thatitwasalmostathirdofmymonthlymortgageinstallment,whichmeantthatOrsonhadtohavefamilywealthorothersourcesofincomeasidefromhisjob;butbestnottolookagifthorseinthemouthrightthen,especiallyifyouwantedtokissthatmouthlater.
Andthenwewerejustacoupleofkidsonthesidewalkmakingoutinthefullglareofdisapproving,sex-starvedSingaporeans.
“Wherewegoingnext?”heasked,histongueinmyear.
“Myplace?Oryours?”Isaid,mytongueinhis.
“Ivoteinfavorofyourplace.What’syouraddress?”
SoonthingsweregettinghotandheavyintheGrab.Thedriverwasmercifullyoblivioustothegropingorwasmorefocusedongettingafive-starratingattheendoftheride;whateverthemotivation,hekepthiseyesontheroaddespitethekissingnoises.
AndthenwegottomyapartmentinCairnhilllockedinamessy,hotembrace.Iopenedthedoorandledhimin.InthesilencemyheartwasthuddingsohardthatIwasalmostafraiditwouldwaketheneighbors.“Niceplace,”wasallOrsonhadtimetosaybeforeIledhimintomyroom.Andthen—murderonthedancefloor!Justkidding.I’msuchadork
4:00a.m.Orsonisgone.Ithinkhetriedtoleavewithoutwakingmeup,butIamalightsleeperandthemeresttwitchinmybedspringsshotmeoutofdreamlandlikeacannon.Hesmiledsheepishly,hisclothesinhishandsandlookingremarkablyillegalwithhistousledHarryStyleshairandwhiteboxerbriefs.“Sorry,Ididn’tmeantowakeyou.Youlooksopeaceful.”
Igrinnedwickedly.“Ithinkyouhadalottodowiththat.Sowhydon’tyoustaythenight?I’llevenriskbeinglatejustforyou…”Iwalkedmyfingersuphisrightthigh.
“Oh,um,that’sreallynotnecessary,”hesaid,lookingembarrassed.“Um,youknow,Isnore,anduh,IhavethispresentationtomorrowandeverythingIneedisbackhome.”
“Sure,go,”Isaid,alittledisappointed.“Weallhavetodowhatwehavetodo,right?”
“Right,”hesaid.Hebentdownandgavemeanawkwardkissontheforehead.“Listen,I’llcallyou,OK?We’llcatchupsoon.I’lltextyoulater.”
“Allright,”Isaidlanguidly.AssoonasIheardthedoorshutandlockautomaticallybehindOrson,Iclosedmyeyesandslidblissfullybackintoachampagne-tinted,endorphin-laceddream.Lifewasbeautiful.AndItotallycrushedSponk.
WaittillItellLinda.16
Friday18March
7:20a.m.Wokeupwithagoofygrinonmyface.Don’trememberthelasttimeIhadsexB.O.(BeforeOrson,clearly).Feelslikethisisthebeginningofamagnificentchapteroflife,oneinwhichthecureforcancerwillbefoundanddemocratized,politicianswillworkforthepeople,lootedantiquitieswillbereturnedtotheirhomelands,etc.
8:15a.m.HavedecidedthatIwon’ttellLindaorMelissaoranyoneelseIknowabovetheageoftwenty-sixaboutmyshagsession,muchlessdate,withOrson.Theywouldneverunderstand.
8:30a.m.GreetedeveryoneIsawintheofficewithabig,loved-upsmile,whichofcoursemadenodifferencesincemostofmyfellowlawyersaredeadinsideortoobusytonoticeachange,butmywalkoftriumphdidnotgounnoticedbyKai,whogavemeanactualthumbs-upwhenshesawme.
Amhappyforyouthatthe“networking”sessionwentsuperwell*winkemoji*,shemessagedmeafewminuteslater.
Ismiledfondlyatmyscreen.Kaiwasadear.Icalledherandwehadagigglyfive-minutecallwhereItoldhertheredacted,sanitizedstory.Ididn’tcarethatSureshwasintheroom;Ihadtotellsomeoneaboutmydate.
Sureshwasmoodyafterthatcall.Insteadofcongratulatingme,heseemeddecidedlydispleased.“Idon’tevenneedtohearallthedetailstoknowyou’vealreadymadeamistakewiththatboy,”hesaidinthiscondescendingtone.He’dobviouslybeeneavesdroppingonmycodedconversationswithKai.
“What’sittoyou?”Isaiddefensively.
Hisexpressionwasunreadable.“I’mjustlookingoutforyou,that’sall.”
“Right.”Iraisedaneyebrow.“Ithinkmaybeit’sinappropriateforyoutocommentonmyprivateaffairs.Timetoestablishsomeboundaries.”
Hegotupandlefttheroomabruptly.
Men!Youshareanofficewiththemandtheythinktheyhavearighttosticktheirnoseinyourbusiness.
8:50p.m.HaddinnerwithSureshatanexpensivesushibarinFullertonHotel(histreat);he’dapologizedearlierintheafternoonandwantedtomakeituptome.Hewasratherquiet.OverCaliforniarolls,sashimi,andabottleofsake,hementionedcasuallythatthingswithAnoushaweregoingsouthovertheproposedmovetoSingapore.“She’sjustbeenofferedapromotionandthinksit’sabadtimetomove.”
Hehasn’tseenAnoushainovertwomonths.Hmmm.
9:45p.m.NotextfromOrsonstill.Hmm.
11:05p.m.WasflickingthroughTinderprofilestopasstime(CandyCrushwhat?)andcameacrossonethatwasparticularlyinterestingforallthewrongreasons:JonathanBeh,Genevieve’shusband,wasonTinder!#shockhorrorgasp
Verycunninglyhewasusingonlysideprofileshotsofhimself(takenatleastadecadeago),sportinglargedesignersunniesonthosewherehefacedthecamshirtless,withartisticfiltersthrowninforgoodmeasure.IhadonlyseenJonathantwice,butIknewithadtobehim.Whatgavehimawaywasthelastpicturehetookwherehewasdrapedcasuallyacrossthehoodofamassivesportscar.I’drecognizethiscaranywhere,notleastbecause:(a)itwasacustomizedyellowLamborghiniwithblackracingstripesthatGenevievehaddriventotheofficequiteafewtimes,and(b)ithadvanityplatesreading“BIGGBEHH”thathe’dstupidlyforgottentoblankout.
Hisbioclaimedthathewasacarefreedreamerandphilanthropist,insteadoftheadultererheaspiredtobe.“I’lltreatyoulikeaprincess…becauseyoudeserveit,andIcancertainlyaffordit,”boastedhisprofile.“Ladiesalwaystellmethatmyheartisn’tthebiggestthingaboutme*winkemoji*—Imeantmywallet,ofcourse!”
IthrewupinmymouthalittlebeforetakingascreenshotofthisgiftfromGodandkeepingitinmyGoogleDrive.Justincase.
11:45p.m.NotextfromOrsonyet.Verystrange.Forthelastweekorsowe’vebeencommunicatingeveryday.
11:48p.m.Ishouldchill.It’sonlybeenaday.
Saturday19March
5:35p.m.Hmm.Nothing.Maybehe’stravelinganddoesn’thavegoodcellphonecoverage
8:20p.m.There’sstillWi-Fithough.Heshouldhavetextedorcalledbynow.
10:40p.m.Ihavegottostopcheckingmytexts.
Sunday20March
11:55p.m.OK,somethingisdefinitelyup.17
Monday21March
3:10a.m.WokeupfromanightmarewhereIhadtopeeduringabiologyexam,butcouldn’tfindawashroomanywhere.Triedtofallasleepbutavague,lingeringuneasefromthenightmarekeptmeawake(that,andtheintermittentglancingatthesmartphonescreencheckingforaweatherupdateandyouknow,Orson’stexts,butnotinanobsessiveway,ofcourse)
3:25a.m.DecidedtowatchanepisodeofOrangeIstheNewBlack
3:50a.m.Willhaveaweetippleofwine.
5:00a.m.NotextfromOrson.It’sfine.Technicallyit’sonlybeenseventy-fivehoursorsosinceheleft.IsitnormalthatI’veneededtopeetwiceinthelasthour?
7:13a.m.Decidedtostopdrinkingwine.
7:25a.m.Shit,realizedmidwayduringthefifthepisodeofOrangeIstheNewBlackthatIhavetobeatworkinthirty-fiveminutes.Shit!
8:25a.m.Slunkintotheofficeandhopednoonewouldnoticeme,butofcourse,Genevievecalledmeoutinfrontofeveryoneassoonasshesawme.Bitch!
9:45a.m.Mybladderandkidneysareworkingalittletooefficientlytoday.Hmm.Butneedcoffee.Nearlyfellasleepwhilepeeing.
12:05p.m.NotextfromOrson,still.Decidedtosendhimaflirtylittletext,sinceit’sbeenmorethaneightyhoursandIwon’tseemdesperate,saying:
What’sup,stranger?Didyouloseyourphoneonthewayhomeorgethitbyacar?*angelemoji*
12:30p.m.TextedOrsonagain:
HahaI’mjustkidding.Ihopeyou’refine,though.Missyou,LOL.
AssoonasIsentitIregrettedit.OnlydesperateorunfunnypeopleuseLOLintheirtexts.
6:00p.m.NotextreplyfromOrson.Butmaybehe’sbusywithhiswork.Creativetypesandall.IthenrealizedthatIdidn’treallyknowwhereheworked.IpulleduphisLinkedInprofile,whichIhadconsultedinpassing.Itonlycontainedabriefprofiledescribinghimasacreativedesignerandnomentionofthecompany.Hmm.
8:30p.m.Eatingcoldsoupaloneinmyoffice,surfingpicturesofkittensandbabyotterswhileattemptingtoworkonafile.I’mofficiallyworried.HavenotheardfromOrsonforthreeandahalfdays.
10:00p.m.TotalnumberoftoiletvisitssinceIawokethismorning:fourteen.Somethingisoff.
11:50p.m.StillnotextfromOrson.Imustacceptthetruth:heisdead.
11:58p.m.WhoamIkidding?It’sworse—I’vebeenjilted.
Tuesday22March
3:45a.m.Wideawakeinbed.OhGod.Somethingisburningupdownthere.WTF.
5:30a.m.Fifthtimepeeinginlessthantwohours.Eachtimefeelslikeanexorcism,allsulfurandpain.Itriednottopanic,butallmyhypochondriactendenciesareinoverdrive.ForcedmyselftolieinbedandnotWebMDmyself.
5:45a.m.Triednottothinkaboutpeeing.Mademyselfliestill,likeacorpse.
6:05a.m.Buttonoavail.FeelcompletelyparchedyeteverysipofwaterItakemakesmesprinttothetoilet.
6:20a.m.Franticallytypedinmysymptomsaftermyfifthpanicpeeinthreehours.OneofthesitestoldmethatImostlikelyhaveaurinarytractinfection,orUTI,whichsoundsscaryenough,butthenWebMDtoldmeImayalsohave:
Urethritis
Appendicitis
DiverticularDisease
HerpesSimplexVirus
SexuallyTransmittedDiseases(Shit.Shit.Shit.)
Menopause(!)
SpentahalfhourscrollingthroughpicturesanddescriptionsofdifferentSTDs,whichamplifiedmyhypochondria.#FML
7:03a.m.It’sprobablysyphilis,though.Withmyluck.Andcouldonecontractleprosyfromsex?Hasthatskintagonmychinalwaysbeenthere?Hasit?
8:50a.m.“Youarenotgoingtodiefromleprosy,”thedoctoratthetwenty-four-hourclinicsaidsnidely.HewasdrawingbloodfrommefortheSTDscreening,lookingpeevedatmybarrageofhystericalquestions.“Itlookslikeyouhaveaurinarytractinfection,nothingmore.”
“Howcanyoubeahundredpercentsure?”Isaid,eyesbulging.“HowcanyoubesosureaboutwhatIhaven’tcontracted?Imean,Iusedacondom,butstill,thisisaboy,Imean,man,whosesexualhistoryIknownothingof.Sothereisindeedachancethathehaspassedmeleprosy,syphilis,HIV.ThesediseasesandUTIsaren’tmutuallyexclusive,youknow!”
Eveninmyhypochondria,Iwaslawyeringhim.Nowonderourkindissobeloved
“Well,it’struethatIcan’tsayforsureatthispointoftime,”thedoctorconcededwithoutbotheringtosuppressaneyeroll.“YoucouldindeedbethatveryunluckypersonthathascontractedeverySTDknowntomankindfromonesingleencounter,alongwithleprosy,whichisn’ttransmittablethroughsexualcontact.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid,gratified.“Anditwasn’tonesingleencounter.Therewereseveralencounters,albeitinthecourseofanight.”
Thedoctorlookedlikehewassufferingintenseregretoverhiscareerchoice,soIshutup.
“MissTang,Iwouldadviseyoutostopspeculatingonhowyourlifewillend.Takeyourmindoffthingsbyspendingtimewithyourfamilyandfriends.We’llknowmoreinthreetofiveworkingdays’timewhenwegetyourSTDtestresultsback.Inthemeantime,pleasefinishyourcourseofantibioticsanddrinklotsoffreshcranberryjuice.”
Icabbedhomewithmymedicineandtwolitersofcranberryjuiceconcentrate.Feltextremelysorryformyself,andwasnotatallassuagedbythedoctor’semptyassurancesthatitwasmostlikely“only”aUTI—Icouldseethejudgmentallightinhiseyesasheshookmyhandgoodbye.Itdidn’tmatterthatOrsonwasthefirstmanI’dsleptwithinclosetoayear,thatinallmythreedecadesplusoflifeI’donlybeenwithfourmen,allinmonogamousrelationships.IfIhadbeenaman,thedoctorwouldhavelookedatmewithcommiseration.
9:15a.m.CalledKaitotellherIwasnotcomingin.Ithinkshefelloffherchair.IhavetakenlessthanthreedaysofsickleaveinthefiveyearsI’veworkedformylawfirm.
“Howsickareyou?”shewhisperedinfear.
“Heartsick,”Imumbled,beforehangingup.Shedidn’thavetoknowthatImightbedeadsoon,fromleprosy.That’snotherburdentocarry.
9:55a.m.IwasfeelingsosorryformyselfthatIdecidedtocalltheonepersonwhohadseenmethroughalltheshamefuleventsinmylife:mysister,Melissa.
Assoonasshepickedupthephone,Istartedtoblubber.“Orsonhasn’ttextedmeatallsincewehadsexandIthinkI’vebeend-dumpedandIhurtwhenIpeeandI-IthinkI’mgoingtodie!”Iwailed.
“Ghosted,”shecorrectedme.
“What?”
“Thecorrecttermhereis‘ghosted.’It’swhen…ah,nevermind.Goon.”
Shelistenedtomytaleofwoewithoutinterruptionanddidn’teventrytomakemefeelstupidforbeingahypochondriac.Sheacceptedmyquirks.“Look,sis,youneedtogiveyourselfabreak.Youmadeamistakebutworryingaboutitwon’tchangewhathappened.Gofixyourselfaglassofwarmmilkandgotobed.Yousoundcompletelyragged.”
“Iam,”Isniffed.
“Takeanotherdayoffandtakeyourmeds,”sheremindedmebeforewesaidourgoodbyes.
IdidasIwastoldandfellintoanuneasyslumber.
Wednesday23March
3:40a.m.Wokeupfromatroubledsleepfeelinglikethebackofmyeyesweresandpaper.Itdoesn’tseemtobeburningdownthereanymore,butmypeewasthecolorofirradiatedlemons.
7:00a.m.Stumbledoutofbed,dazed,myfacethesizeofawatermelonfromwaterretention,possiblyduetothemedsorthetubsofsaltedcaramelicecreamIhadbeeneating.Triedtotakemymindoffthingsbyscaldingmyselfintheshower,whichachievednothingexceptmakingmelooklikeareal-lifeFreddyKrueger.GotdepressedthinkingthatnooneOrson’sagewhoaccidentallyfindsthisdiaryandreadsitwouldunderstandthereferenceunlesstheygoogledit.Stupidbrain.
Itriedtogetmyselfoutofthefunkbyrepeatinginspirationalsayingsfrommycollectionofquotablequotesscribbledaroundmydesk,butthisexerciseonlyservedtohammerhomehowuninspiredIwasthatIhadtoreadotherpeople’sstupidquotestosolveaproblemIshouldhaveseencoming.InsteadIshouldbewritingmyownguidetolife.Myfirstpieceofadvicetopre-millennialsinmypositionisthis:don’tdateanyonewhodoesnotrememberVHS.Don’tevenlookinthevicinityofanyonewhohasmouthedthelyricsfromanythingbyOneDirection.Becauseifyoudo,ifyouareluredinbytheirflatbelliesandfullhairlines,youwilllivetoregretit.
JusttriedtofindmyrosegoldCartierBallonBleuwatchamongmycollectionofwatchesandcan’tfindit.Itwasapresentfrommyparentsforgraduatingfromuniversity,engravedwithasweetmessage;itwasoneofthefewtimesI’dseenthemcollaborateonsomething.Hmm.MaybeIleftitsomewhere.Willlookforitinmygymbagatwork.
8:35a.m.Haveunearthedarank-smellingpairofsocksthatcausedSureshtodashfromtheroom,choking,butnowatch.Maybeit’swithLinda.Shehasthekeystomyplaceandoftenhelpsherselftomyclothesandaccessories,whichisalittleunfairbecauseshe’sasizesmallerthanme,whichmeansIcannotborrowherclothes,althoughshedoeshaveadivinecollectionofHermès,Delvaux,andChanelbags.Speakingofbags,thewatchcouldbeinoneofmine.WillhavetogothroughallofthemwhenI’mhome.
TextedLindatoconfirmourlunchatnoon,sinceit’sbeenweekssincewelastmet.She’ssupposedtobecheckingonmy/ourTinderprogress.Imadesuretoaskherifshehadmywatch.
9:40a.m.GenevievecorneredmeinthecafeteriawithaCheshiregrin.“ItseemsthatalittlebirdiesawyouwithacertainjuicyyoungthingatQuinn’stheotherday.Isitsothinonthegroundthatyouhavetodateteenagersnow?”
“Whoservedyouthatdishofbullcrap?”Isaid,frowning.Iwasneververypolitewhenchallenged.
“Myowntwoeyes!”shecrowed.Thenshewrinkledhernose.“Well,youknowwhatImean.Youcradlesnatcher.”
Thetruthwastoohumiliating,soIslunkawaywithmytailbetweenmylegs,nowittycomebackfortheHumanSandworm.TheonlythingIcanrelyonismyfriends.That’swhyI’mgoingtohavelunchwithLinda—she’ssuchastrongwomananddoesn’tneedamaninherlife.Imustbelikeher.
1:10p.m.WaitedfortyminutesforLindainthelobbybeforeIslunkbacktomydesk,tryingdesperatelytofocusonmyworkwhenshefinallytextedmewiththisflimsyexcuse:
Havesomethingwork-relatedthatcannotberescheduled.Sosorry.
Whichisfine,ofcourse,becausefriendship,likeromance,isflawed,andmoreoftenthannotpeopleendupstompingalloveryourdreamsafterdanglingagoddamncarrotbeforeyoulike…like…
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”Sureshsaid,jerkingbackfromhisscreenwithalarm.“Whyareyoucrying?”
“Leavemealone,”Iblubbered.Notwantingtotellhimthetruth,Ilied,“I-Ijustlostafortuneatonlinecrabs!”
“What?”Hiseyewastwitching.
“Youknow,thegameofcrabs,yourolladieandthenyouplaceabet…”Itrailedoff,realizingIhadnoideahowtoplaycrabs.
“Let’sgooutforsomeair,”Sureshsaidquickly,unabletomeetmyeye.
WeendeduphavingsandwichesatthenewJapanesefusionsandwichbarinRafflesPlace,wherewedidnotspeakforthirty-fivemagicalminutesbeforeheadingbacktotheofficeforhard-coretyping.Heevenpattedmybackandgavemeanawkwardno-contact-between-genitalshugwhenweenteredtheoffice.Someday,whenAnoushafinallymovestoSingapore,Sureshisgoingtomakeherveryhappy.
8:30p.m.Wenthomeearlytoday(yes,thisisearlyforamid-careerlawyerhopingtomakepartnerinSingapore).MadeassamlaksaMaggiMeewithaneggandateitwhilebinge-watchingepisodesofUnbreakableKimmySchmidt,whichisthebrainchildofTinaFey,whoismyhero.
11:00p.m.Isitreflectiveofmyowntrulysadstateofaffairsthatthethoughtofbeingimprisonedinanundergroundbunkerwithanimprobablygood-lookingJonHammalongsidethreeotherharpiesisnotimmediatelyrejectedbymybrainasanythingotherthanunbearable?
1:20a.m.Ohcrap!Mywatch!TextedLindaagaintoseeifshehadmywatch.
1:35a.m.TextfromLinda:
Idon’thaveyourwatch.Whenwasthelasttimeyouworeit?Thelastplaceyousawit?
Theburningfeelingisdefinitelyback—butinmystomach.IrememberexactlywhenIlastworeit:onmydatewithOrson.AndtheverylastplaceIsawit?Onmynightstand,fallingasleepasOrsonandIcuddled.18
Thursday24March
12:50p.m.HadearlylunchwithLinda,whobroughtmetoBlackSwantomakeupforstandingmeupyesterday.
Webothorderedsaladssincewewereinarush,butwhenthefoodcame,shepickedatitlistlesslywhileIfinishedmineinundertenminutesandorderedaflatwhite.Sheseemeddistracted,andwhenIaskedherwhatwasup,shehesitatedbeforecookingupabigCrock-PotofBSandservingittome.“It’swork.”Shesigheddramatically.“There’ssomuchworkandIhaven’tseenmyhomein,like,days.”
Igaveheracarefulonce-over.Itwastruethatshelookedlesspolishedandstunningthanusual,herpalebluesilkshirtsportingfaintcreasesandsmudgesofherfoundation;herhairwastwistedinamessybunandshehaddarkunder-eyecirclesthatshowedevenbeneaththecarefulapplicationofconcealer.Lindahadneverletalatenightoutornosleepgetinthewayoflookinghotforwork.Whichmeantshehadnotspentthenightatherplace.Interesting.
“Really,”Isaid,keepingmytoneneutral.
“Massimohasbeenkeepingmesobusy,”shecontinued.“Massimo’smynewclient.Arealsuperguybuttotallyobsessedwithwork.Alotofcalls.Yeah.”Shewasshreddingherpapernapkininatotallynot-nonchalantfashionwhileavoidingeyecontactwithme.
Alarmbellswereclangingawayinmyhead.Massimo?WhothefuckwasMassimo?Lindanevercalledherclientsbyanythingotherthantheirlastnames,orifshereallyhatedthem,theirnicknames.Somethingwasdefinitelyup.ButitwasnouseaskingLinda—shewasnevergoingtogivemeanydetailsuntilshewasreadytodoso.
“How’stheTindersearchforlovegoing?”sheaskedsuddenly.
Iflushedguiltily.IhadbeensofocusedonOrsonthatIhadbarelyrepliedtotheTindermessagesfrommyremainingthreematches(IunmatchedwithAlex,obviously),eventhoughserialkilleropenerguy,Sean,wasstillintermittentlytextingme.TheentirethinghadmoreorlessfizzledoutandLinda’seffortswereallfornaught.
“Ihaven’treallymademyselfavailable,”Iadmitted.“AfterIsawJonathanBehonTinderitreallykilledmywholedesiretotryonlinedating.”IspilledaboutAlexandhowhehadhookedupwithoneofmycolleagues,butitturnsoutValhadalreadygivenherallthesalaciousdetailsoverWhatsAppthatveryweekend.Thanks,Val.
Lindasighed.“Theregoesweeksoftextingandmytrustyalgorithm.Well,can’tsayIdidn’ttrytomakeTindermagichappen.”Shetookabiteoffood.“Anyway,IheardfromabirdiethatyouhadadinnerdatewithOrson?Caretoshare?”
Urgh.Val.Iheldmyhandsupinmocksurrender:I,too,hadbeenhidingthingsfrommybestfriend.“Yup,wedid,but,uh,we’re,uh,onabreaknow.”
Lindaliftedaneyebrowbutwiselyrefrainedfromsayinganythingcutting.Fornow.“Bytheway,isn’tyourmomcomingin,like,threeweeksorsomething?Irememberyoumoaningaboutitlastmonth.”
Shewasright:IhadtotallyforgottenthatmymotherwasscheduledtomakeapitstopinSingaporesoon.Shit.
6:50p.m.WenthomeearlysoIcouldoverturnthehousetosearchformywatch.
8:20p.m.Thisisbad.Thewatchisthelastthingmyparents,well,myfather,gavetome,beforehepassed.Ontopofeverythingthathadhappenedthatweek,thisistheworst.
9:10p.m.GoogledanythingandeverythingIcouldfindaboutOrsonasidefromthatbasicLinkedInpage.Nothing.I’vealwaysbeenanawesomeGooglestalker,butforOrsonIhadcurtailedmybaserinstinctsandhadn’tgonefullbloodhound.NowhereIwas,andyetIcouldn’tfindanything.Zilch.Nada.NoFacebook,Instagram,Twitter,Pinterest,Snapchat,Foursquare,OpenRice,TripAdvisorreviews,nothing.Orsonwas,forallintentsandpurposes,amillennialghost.ItwasalsoprettycertainthatOrsonwasn’tevenhisrealname,asIonlyfoundtwoorthreepicturesofhim,theonesusedonhis“official”LinkedInpage.
I’dbeenplayedbyafuckinghipsterSponkswindler.
Saturday26March
10:30a.m.FinallyreceivedtheresultsofmysuperexpensiveSTDtestinthepost:amintheclear.
10:35a.m.Stillgotconned,though.Worsestill:Orsonhadmanipulatedmeusingevergreentechniquesknowntomankindsincethefirstcavemanliedtothefirstcavewomanandsaidhe’dkillaherdofwoollymammothsforherifshewouldbehis.It’sasthoughIfellfortheNigerianprincescaminthisdayandage;it’sthatbad.
5:10p.m.AskedLindaoutfordinnerbuthadnoresponse.Nooneelseinthegroupchatwasavailable.
5:35p.m.Ihavenofriends.
1:15a.m.Justbackfromanunusualgrouphang,withSuresh(!)andhisfriends.
Wewerejusttextingaboutwork(yes,Saturdaysbelongtoourdarkoverlords,too)whenhetoldmehewasgoingoutwithsomefriendsandaskedmetojointhem.IwasstilldownaboutthegeneralsituationandIdidn’tknowhehadfriendsoutsideofwork.Ialwaysthoughthefinishedwork,wenthome,criedhimselftosleep,etc.,inaspincycleofsadadulting(Imayhavebeenprojectingalittle,ofcourse).
TurnsoutSureshhadawholelifeoutsideofworkthatinvolvedotherhumans.Hisfriends,Tu’An,Chandran,andFaisal,werebuddiesfromlawschoolinLondon,andtheywereallbigfansofboardgames,inparticularSettlersofCatan.Sothat’swhatCatanactuallyinvolves:insteadofsomeswingers’clubwheretheydressupasMMAfighters,theyjustsitthere,eatingsunflowerseedsandtalkingaboutgrain.Andnotthefutureskindorthefoodkind—thekindprintedonadeckofcards.
AtfirstIthoughtitwassupersadthatabunchoflawyersintheirthirties(exceptforChandran,whowasnowa“professionalgamer”)wouldbespendingvaluabletimeoffworkplayingboardgames,butonceIfoundoutthatChandran,whoisapparentlyhighlyrankedandhadevenplacedinthetoptenofsomeregionalCatanchampionship,hadmadeclosetoeightthousandAmericandollarswinningatCatancompetitionsandhadhisownfollowing,Ichangedmymind.Anyhobbythat(a)ismoneymakingand(b)involvesleaderboardsandnationalrankingswasalegitpursuitinmybook.
AlsoCatanisquitefun,asaspectatorsport.Asin,IwatchedSureshplayandscreamedobscenitiesathisopponentsfromtimetotime.
WespentclosetofivehoursplayingSettlersofCatananddrinkinghappyhourbeerinagamers’café.Ididn’tevenlookatmyworkphoneonce(especiallyafterSureshstasheditaway).
Wecalleditanightaround1:00a.m.,afterwhichSureshgotinacabwithme—hedidn’thavemuchchoicesinceIhadbythenlostmostofmymotorskills.Hehalf-carriedmetomyapartmentandlaidmedownonmybed,broughtmeaglassofwaterandmademedrinkit,placedthecoversoverme,andwasabouttoleavelikeapropergentleman,whenIspokeup.“Thankyouforyourhelp,”Isaid.
Hecamebacktothebedandperchedonit.“You’rewelcome.Wouldyouliketotellmewhathappenedtoyou?Youlookmiserable.”
Icouldn’tadmittohimthatI’dbeenswindled.Itwasjusttoohumiliating,andwewerestilljustcolleagues.Instead,Itoldhimapartiallie.“Webrokeupbymutualagreement,”Icroaked.“I’mjustbeingtheappropriateamountofannoyed,that’sall.”
Icouldtellhedidn’tbelieveme,buthestilldidn’tpushit.Idecidedtochangethesubject.“Bytheway,aboutyoursuperherostrip…ifyoudon’tmind,Ihavesomesuggestions.”
“Oh,youfollowTLTS?”Heseemedverypleasedbythisrevelation.
“Yes.YoushouldconsidergivingWateranemesis,orsomekindofbiggerpurpose,notjuststicktoministories.Thatwouldgivethestripthenarrativetensionitlacksandmakeitmorecompelling.”
“Wow,”hesaid,stunned.ForamomentIwasworriedIhadpissedhimoff,butthenhesmiledandsnappedhisfingers.“HowcouldInothaveseenthis?You’reright,heneedsalargerpurpose.Ishouldgivethismorethought.”Helookedatme.“YoumighthavejustunlockedthegrowthphaseforTLTS!Thestripwasstagnating,Andrea,andyou’vegivenmemuch-neededinspiration.”
“You’rewelcome,”Isaid.“Thankyoufortonight.”Onimpulse,Ireachedoutandhuggedhim.
“Ireallyenjoyedhangingoutwithyou,”hesaidinalowvoice.
“Me,too,”Isaidinthesamevoice.
Wewerestillholdingontoeachotherafterthe“friend-zone”three-second-hugrule,unwillingorunabletoletgo.Iwasawarethathishairsmelledlikecoconut,andInuzzledintoit.Verysubtly,thechemistryintheairhadchanged,andhisarmshaddefinitelyacquiredwhatcanonlybecategorizedas“narrativetension.”
OhGod,whatwashappening?DidI…werewe?AnddidI?
Heloweredmegentlyontothebed.Ilookedup,lickedmylipssubtly,anddiscreetlysuckedinmybellysomyboobslooked—
“Goodnight,”hesaid,pushinghimselfoffmeasthoughIwasananti-vaxxerandhewasapharmaceuticalrep.Then,quickasapunch,hewasgone.Iheardadoorslamonhiswayout.
Nowamnotsurewhattothink.Ontheonehand,Ilikethatheisagentleman.Ontheotherhand,amInotattractiveenoughthathewouldatleasttrytocopafeel?Imean,aborderlinedodgybuttcupthatcouldalsobeareassuring,stabilizingmoveashehoistedmeontothebed?Nothing?
Cuppedmyownbutt.Onthescaleoftofutosteel,itrates“ten-year-oldsofttoywashedtoomanytimesincheapdetergent.”
IwonderwhatkindofbuttAnoushahas.
1:45a.m.Puked.Feltsorryformyself.Can’thelpthinkingthatasidefromIvan,mychoicesinmen—i.e.,Orson,Alex—havebeendisappointing.Maybemytasteinmenreflectsanunderlyingdeficiencyinmydecision-makingskills,offMa’sgrid.
Aterrifying,disturbingthought.19
Thursday31March
7:10a.m.Ihavelearnedmylesson,dearDiary.Imustnevertakefoolishchancesandgooff-pistedatingagain,lestIendupwithanotherOrson.IfIhadstucktotheplan,I’dbewithsomeonelikeIvaninsteadofinthissadstate.
7:13a.m.WhyhadIbrokenitoffwithIvanagain?
7:14a.m.Ohyeah.Iremembernow.
7:16a.m.WhatkindofgoddamnnameisOrsonanyway?ImusthavebeenhighthenightImethim.
Anyway,mustconcentrateonresponsibleadulting,i.e.,datingsuitablemenandgettingaheadinmycareer.
8:20a.m.TextedmymomandtoldhergrudginglyIwouldacceptherhelpinarrangingoneblinddatewithrando’sson.Babysteps,babysteps.
8:25a.m.Shetextedmeoneword:DONE.
9:35a.m.Valerietextedmetoaskme,andIquoteverbatim,“foraprivateaudiencetomorrowatCrystalJade@ParagontodiscussanimportantissueconcerningLaLinda.”
Thiswillbeourfirstlunchtogether,TogetherAlone.Thethoughtstressesmeout:whatifwehavenothingtosaytoeachotherandIhavetostareatthatfaceforanentirelunch?Orworse:whatifIcouldn’tenjoymyfoodbecauseofit?
12:20p.m.TLTSdroppedanewstrip,inwhichWater,whenexecutingtheCEOofacreditratingsagencythatgavetriple-Aratingstotoxicmortgage-backedsecuritiesinadarkalley,meetsamysteriouswomancalledRhean,withsimilarpowersashim.Shelooksveryfamiliarandhecan’tshakethenotionthatheknowsherfrombefore.
Thisisanintriguing,andwelcome,turnofeventsforthecomicstrip.
Hmm.Letmesee:sothewoman’snameisRhean,whichispracticallyderivedfrom“Andrea”;she’stall,svelte,andaredhead,thetotaloppositeofme.Whichmeansshe’stotallybasedonme.I’mflattered.I’veneverhadsomeoneliterallymakemeacharacterinacomicstripbefore.It’salmost—sweet,toberespectedsomuchbyacompetitor
Friday1April
Wow.Thishasbeenanintenseday,andit’sbarely3:00p.m.ThegoodnewsisthatIsurvived(a)eatingalonewithValeriefortwohours(!)withouttoomanyawkwardpauses(she’ssurprisinglyquitefunny),and(b)staringthatwholetimeatValerie’sstrangeBrideofChuckyfaceandmanagingtofinishmymeal.ThebadnewsisthatInowknowthatLindaissleddingstraightintoahillockofdisaster-flavoredturds,fullspeed,becauseI’veheardsomeverydisconcertingnews.
Apparently,Valerie,whohadbeenspeakingataprivateinvestmentseminaratFullertonHotel(artinvestmentfornewlymintedmillionaireswithtoomuchmoneyandnoclueaboutart),hadsteppedoutoftheroomtotakeacallwhenwhoelsedidherbeadyeyesspybutLinda,herarmsaroundthewaistofamanastheysteppedintoaliftheadinguptotherooms.Aman,sheclaimed,whowaswearingagoldbandonthefourthfingerofhislefthand:amarriedman.
“What?AreyousureitwasLinda?ThisisnotsomeelaborateAprilFool’sDayprank,right?”
“Positive.Iwasfivefeetaway,hiddenbyapottedplant,butthere’snomistakingLinda.She’sprettyunmistakable,especiallywiththatFranDrescherlaugh.”
Shewasright;youcouldhearitfromamileaway.
Valerieleanedforward,hereyesdeadlyserious,andwhispered,“Themostshockingthingwasshewaskissinghim,butterfly-style,alloverhisfacetheentiretime!Inbroaddaylight!”
Webothgaggedsimultaneously.WhowasthisimposterandwhathadshedonetoourLinda?
“Who’stheRomeo?”IdemandedonceI’drecovered,feelingmorehurtthanshocked.Icouldn’tbelieveshehadnotconfidedinme,whichtoldmethatthismanwasspecial.Lindausuallygavemeeverydirtydetailofherdatinglife.Itwaspartofhercharmasafriend,sinceIcouldlivevicariouslythroughhersexploits,whichweremanifoldandcasual.
Valerieshrugged,herexpressionfrozeninplace.“Helookedvaguelyfamiliar,butIcouldn’tidentifyhim.TheguywaswearingAhBeng*aviators.Indoors.”Valerielovedheritalics.
Werolledoureyesinsyncandshuddered.Bothofussharedadislikeforpeoplewhoworesunglassesindoorswhentheywerenotvisuallychallenged.
“Andyou’resurethathe’smarried?”Lindahasonerulewhenshedates:nomarriedmen.She’dexperiencedfirsthandtherepercussionsofherparents’infidelities.“Maybehisringisjustforbling?”Iofferedweakly.ItwasdawningonmethatLindahadbeenhintingatthisinourconversationafewweeksago,thoughatthetimeI’dassumedshewastalkingaboutoneofmyTinderprospects.
Valeriesnorted,whichinitselfisafeatbecauseitmeantshecouldstillcontortthemusclesaroundhernose.
“Child,”Valeriesaidinthesamevoiceoneusestotalkto,well,achild.“Nomanwillscareoffpussybywearingabandonhisfourthfinger,evenifit’s‘justforbling.’Wemustfacethefactthatourbestfriend”—mine,Ithought—“isscrewingamarriedman,somethingshecrucifiesothersfordoing.Iamsurehe’sSingaporean,atleasthesoundedlikeone,andhedefinitelyhasmoney:hehadaFerrarikeyfobdanglingfromhistrouserpocketandato-die-forpairofcrocskinloafers,andtheairofsomeonewho’susedtobeinglistenedanddeferredto.Hislackofdiscretionisasuresignhe’sbadnews:hewasnoteventryingtohidethefactthathe’smarriedandcheatingonhiswife,whichtellsmethathemustbeaverypowerfulorverystupidmanindeed,andGodforbidheisboth.”
IchewedonthisasIhurriedbacktowork.Lindawasnotthemostlevel-headedpersonwhenshewantedsomeone,butthisguysoundedlikebadnews.IaddedthistothelistofthingsIneededtoresolveonanalreadystaggeringto-dolist.
8:45p.m.Mynervous,staccatoburstsoftypingdrewSuresh’sire.
“Couldyoupleasetypenormally,”hesaid,irritated.“Ihaveanangryclientandanevenangrierfiancée.”
“Oh,”Isaid.IglancedoverandsawhimstaringblanklyatthescreenwithanexpressionIknewwell.ItwaswhatIcalledtheMondayHorrorShow?face,acomboofconstipation,existentialhorror,andresignation.Withsomehesitation,Igotup,wentover,andgavehimthechastest,mostscholarlyofshoulderpats.Suresh’sshouldersweredangerousterritory:theyweretautwithmusclesthatinvitedlingeringcaresses.Iquicklybroughtupmentalimagesofhairymenintightpolka-dottedSpeedostoquellanyunrulycarnalurges.“Do
Hesighedandleanedbackinhischair.“Yes,butareyousureyoureallywanttohearaboutit?”
“Sure!”Isaid,wideningmyeyes.“Isn’tthatwhatcolleaguesarefor?”Yes?Ithought,mentallychannelingMr.Burns,tellmeyourdeepestdarkestsecret,whichIwillneveruseagainstyou,pinkyswear,muahahaha.
“Notreally.”Asmallsmilecreasedhisface.“Butit’swhatfriendsarefor.Andwe’refriends,I’dliketothink.”
“Well,friendlyrivals,anyway,”Isaid,tryingtokeepmygazefromstrayingofftheplanesofhisfacetowardthoseinsanelysculptedshoulders.
“We’vehadafight,”hesaid.“NoushandI…we’vehadamassiverowaboutSingapore.Shedoesn’twanttomovehere,andIdon’twanttomovebacktoLondon.Igetit.Imean,IlovedLondonasachildandastudent.ButSingaporeismyhomenow.Iwanttobewithmyparents.”
Ishrugged.“I’mnotsayingI’monherside,butforthesakeofargument,ifoneofyouhastomove,whycan’titbeyou?”
Hegotupfromhischairandbeganpacing.“Look,it’smucheasierforhertofindajobhere,withherexcellentcredentialsandexperience—sheevenhasastandingjobofferfromoneofherformerprofessorswho’sworkinginaprivatehospitalhereastheheadofhisdepartment!Besides,beingaworkinglawyerinLondonatalawfirmlikeoursisnotgreat.IbarelysleptfivehoursanightandIwasworkingmyselftothebone—Imean,evenmoresothanhere.IhatedworkingandcommutinginLondon—allthatsmogandcoldweatherandlongcommutesintheTubewhereitgetssocrowdedthatsomeone’snoseisalwayswedgedinyourarmpit.”
“Right,”Isaid.TheideaofpressingmynoseagainstSuresh’ssuitinacrowdedtrainwasoddlymoreappealingthanitoughttohavebeen.
“Ijustwanthertobehere,youknow?Anousha’smyfiancée.Weshouldbeinthesamecity,don’tyouthink?Ifyouweremyfiancée,wouldn’tyouwanttolivewithmeinsteadoflivingacrossafuckingcontinentandbeingacoupleonlyonpaper?Doessheevenloveme?”
Ikeptquiet.Iknewtheanswertothatquestion,anditwasn’tsomethingIthinkhewouldhavewantedtohearrightthen.Instead,Isaid,“Maybeyoushouldgotoher.GotoLondon.Takesometimeoffto,urm”—Imademyvoicesoft,likemyunflexedbutt—“rekindletheromance.”
Herolledhiseyes.“Nicetry,woman.You’renotout-billingme.Infact,maybeit’sbetterthiswaysoIcan,y’know,focusonmywork.”
Inarrowedmyeyes.LookslikewewereinforalongOfficeFace-TimeBattletonight.Unluckilyforhim,IhadforgottentoweardeodorantandI’djusthadathree-beanchilifromthenewMexicanaplacedownthestreetwithdangerouslyemptyseating.Gameon.20
Saturday2April
4:05p.m.WenttotheofficetoworkonthecontractthatIshouldhavebeenworkingonduringtheweek.WasnotsurprisedtoseeSureshthere,lookingalittlerumpledandbleary-eyed,likehe’dnotgottenalotofsleep.Wegreetedeachotherbygrunting,thenlapsedintocompanionablesilence,brokenonlybyfurioustypingandtheoccasionalcall.We’vedevelopedthisunspokenroutinewherewetaketurnsmakinghisfamouschai.Sometimessharinganofficewithhimisn’tsobad.
8:15p.m.FoundalullinworkandexploitedittosendatexttoLindaaskingheroutforlunchnextweek.Haven’tseenherinawhile.
8:30p.m.LindatextedmebacktotellmeshewasintheCaymanIslandswith“aclient.”Hmmm.
9:10p.m.Speakingofbadnews,mymother’sfriend’ssonjusttextedmetointroducehimselfandaskmeoutfordinnernextFridayataswankymeatplacecalledHoSek.
Igoogledhimandalmostfelloutofmychair.
SomeoneUpTherewashavingalaugh,averydarkone,atmyexpense.
Monday4April
It’smymother’sbirthdaytoday.Dialedhernumberandletitringtwicebeforehanginguplikeacoward.DecidedtosendheraWhatsAppmessageinstead,thenpromptlymutedallnotificationsonthechatincaseshereplied.HavealreadysentherabirthdaycardovertheweekendandsentitviainternationalprioritymailtoherplaceinKualaLumpur.Theartfeaturedacute,harmlesspenguinholdingabunchofflowers.Idrewacrossonitschestandwrote“Haveablessedbirthday,Mom!Jesuslovesyou!”inperfectlyspacedcapitallettersandblackink.Sheshouldnotbeabletofindanyfaultwiththisyear’scard.Ihope.
Tuesday5April
7:15a.m.Thisjustcameinfrommymom:
IknowJesuslovesme,butdoyou?YouknowwhatIwantformybirthday.*emojiofaweddingdress**emojiofacouple**emojiofathree-personfamilyunit*
Heremojigameisonpoint.
Shefollowedupwithanothertext:
GoodluckwithyourdatethisFri.Remember,Godiswatching.
Gottagivehercreditforbeingconsistentlyannoying.Andomniscient.
1:15p.m.CalledLinda,whowasbackfromtheCaymans,andtoldhermymotherhadstrong-armedmeintoacceptingablinddate.
“What’shisname?Age?Occupation?”Lindasaid,presumablyalreadyinGooglestalkmode.
“ChuckTanKaSeng.Forty-seven.MD.”
“DearGod.”
“Iknow.”
“Hechose—?”
“Yup.I’mprettysurehechosethename‘Chuck.’AsinChuckNorris,notChuckBass.”
Iheardfrantictappingandagasp.IknewexactlywhatshehadfoundbecauseIhadhadtheverysamereaction.
“It’sgoingtobefine,”Lindasaid,withbarelysuppressedlaughter.
“Isit,though?Isit?HowwillIeverlookathimwithastraightface?”
“Diazepam,”shesaidimmediately.
“Thanks,butIprefertokeepmystashforwhenmymotherturnsup.”
“Speakingofnames,IalmostwishIwerebackinHongKong,”Lindasaid.“Atleastpeopletherewerecreative.Imean,I’dgiveanactualkidneytomeetaPegasusoranAristotleagain.OrevenjustaboringoldHandsome.AtleastIcanabideby‘Handsome.’Itshowsacertainconfidence,anassurednessofbeing.”Slurpingnoises.“Ienvyyou,Andrea.Ireallydo.Blinddatesandfertilitydeadlinessoundsofun.”
“Shaddup,”Isaid.Lindawaslucky:herparents,whowereinthetimberandminingbusiness,wereusuallybusyarrangingfor“accidental”landclearingsinsteadofblinddates.Anyway,shedidn’thavethesame,orany,externalreproductivepressures.Althoughshe’sanonlychild,herfatherhaswhatsheeuphemisticallycalls“backupchildren.”Several,infact.Furthermore,attheratehewasaccumulatingwealth,therewasnoissueabouthermarrying“up”tohelpthefamily.IfLindaweretomarryoneday,shewould,quitelikely,bedoingitfortherightreason:fearofdyingalone.
Wednesday6April
10:15a.m.Ooh!Flowers!Amassivebouquetofshowstoppingrichpurplish-maroonpeonieswasdeliveredthismorning,andtheywerenotforKaibutme!
10:30a.m.TheywerefromEricDeng,actually.Hesentthemwithacardsaying,“I’llbebackintown.Willseeyousoon.”Iknewhewouldknowhowtofindme.Whichsoundscreepybutisreallynot.
WhenIbroughttheflowersintotheroomSureshpromptlystartedsneezing.Turnsoutheisallergictobeauty.Anyway,havelefttheflowersoutsidewithKaionherdesk,sothatIcanseethem.
Val,who’sanexpertinbeautifulthings,toldmethattheseareBlackBeautypeonies,uponmysendingapicoftheflowerstoher.Sothere’sanotherlayertotheflowers,sinceItoldEricthatBlackBeautywasthefirstbookthatmovedmetotears.
Thursday7April
11:35a.m.Gotatextfrommyblinddate,Chuck,thatliterallysaidhewasremindingmethatweweremeetingtomorrow.Nota“Can’twaittoseeyou!”typeofmessage,justaremindertoshowup.WhatatotalcontrasttoEric’sflowers.Anyway,Chuck’stextcameatagoodtimesinceIhadtotallyforgottenaboutthedate.AmtemptedtocancelasI’mhandlingadifficultclosing,deadlinetoday.Consultedthegroupchat.Everyonetoldmetostickwithit.LindapositedthatsinceIhaven’tbeenontoomanydatesinawhileIshouldtakethis,justtostaysharp.ValconcurredthatIneededallthehelpIcouldget(thanks).BenandJason,probablyeagerfortheentertainmentvaluetheywillsurelyderivefromthis,beggedmetogoahead.Begged.
AmalittlenervousaboutFriday.Whatdopeoplesayondatesthesedays?Dotheyeventalkanymoreorjustscrollthroughtheirsmartphonesincompanionablesilence,waitingtilltheystumbleuponasuitablybenignnewsstoryorInstagramfeedtosharewiththeirdate?Willhavetoreaduponwhat’strendingandhopethathe’sequallyignoranton
Ontheoff-chancethatmymother’sblinddatemightturnouttobetheloveofmylife,IwentandgotanemergencycellulitemassageandwaxsessionatmyfavoriteVietnameseplace.Which,bytheway,isrunbythesamefamilythatrunsthedelidownstairs.
Friday8April
6:45p.m.LefttheofficemutteringaboutanetworkingeventIhadtoattend,towhichSureshgaveagruntofacknowledgment.FeltguiltysinceIhavesomefollow-upfromtheclosingtodo,butasLindaremindedme,I’vegivenenoughofmyyouthintheserviceoffacelesscorporationstojustifyleavingsoearly.
IwenttothedatewiththeenthusiasmofacarnivoretoaPETAconference,eventhoughtherestaurant,HoSek,wasawell-regardedfixtureinthelocalgastronomicscene,specializinginroastmeatsdoneinavarietyofambitiousstyles.
Chuckwasalreadyseatedatthetable,hisbackfacingmeasIwalkedslowlytowardhim.Hewasdressedinalightbluedenimshirt,beigetrousers,andtanmoccasins.Sincetherewasanoff-chancethathecouldonedayusemy(legal)services,IhadputononeofmyLBDs(LawyerlyBlackDresses*)andblackballetflats.
Bothofusweremakingasmuchpoliteeffortaspossibletonotdresstoimpress.
Icircledthetableandsaidhi,justashepulledhischairbackandextendedhishandinahandshake.Weshookhands,whichneverbodeswellforromance.ImadeamentalnotetosanitizemyhandsunderthetableevenasIgavehimaquickonce-over.Hewasafirm6.5inlooks,butgivenhisprofessionalchoices,Icouldonlyraisehisoverallscoreto4.
“Thanksforcomingouttonight,Andrea,”hesaid,inperfectaccentlessEnglish.Iraisedhisscoreto4.5.Still,toolittle,toolate.Therewas,onmysideatleast,nochanceIwouldeverwanttoexchangeanykindoffluidswithhim.Isuspectedhethoughtthesame,ashewasnotdoingtheeyedipthatmostmenunconsciouslyperformwhenconfrontedwithcleavage,eveninordinatelymodestones.
WeexchangedsomepleasantriesandquicklymovedontotheDatingSmallTalk.Hewasaskilled,easyconversationalist,butwebothknewwewouldhavetodiscussourprofessionssoonerorlater.Iforonewasdyingtoaskhimmany,manyquestions,butIknewhehadtobroachthetopicfirst.IprayedthatIcouldholdittogetherwhenthetimecame:weneededtogetthroughdinnersowecouldreporttoourparentsaboutasuitablygravephysical/mentalflawdiscoveredduringthecourseofthedatethatwouldimperilthebloodlines.
“So,Andrea,”hesaid,atlast,afterweweredonewithourmaincourse(minealovelybarramundiswimminginbrownedbutter,servedwithbroccoliniandroastedleeks,hisaporktenderloinpairedwithnewpotatoesandsomekindofsalsa),andwehadtomakeadecisionwhetherornottoaskforthebillororderdessert.“Whydidyoudecidetobealawyer?”
“AllyMcBeal,”Isaid.“Imean,justice,pencilsuits,courtroomdrama,andallthat,yaddayaddayadda,butenoughaboutme—whataboutyou?”Theentiresentencewassaidinonebreath.
“IlikebigbuttsandIcannotlie,”hedidnotsay.Instead,helaunchedintoalongstoryaboutsomepooruncledyingofcolorectalcancerwhilehewasinmedicalschool.Ideflated.DearDiary,IrealizethatIamajuvenileindividualwithapuerilesenseofhumor.ButGod,aproctologist?Ofallthespecializationsintheworld?
IamcertainthatproctologyistheonlymedicalspecialtythataChineseparentwouldprefernottobragaboutbuttokeepinthedark.AndthepoorproctologistcancomefromHarvardMedicalSchool,buthe’dstillbethebuttofjokes.
Haha.Butt.
“Andrea,”Chucksaid,justasIhadbeguncomposinganamusinglimerickaboutbutts.
“Yes?”HadIbeenspeakingaloudwithoutrealizingagain?
“I’msorry,butIhavetogo.”
“What?”Isaid.“Already?”
“Ihaveasurgery,”hesaid,lookingapologetic.“Tonight.AtSGH.*It’sforastateminister,so,youknow,Ihavetorun.”
Hehadagreedtoadateonanighthe’dalreadyscheduledasurgery?Whatadouche.Thatstateministerhadbetterbeonhisdeathbed.
Still—hehadn’teventhoughtIwasworthitenoughtomeetmeonanightoff?
Wesplitthebillinsilence,dispensingwiththecheckdance.
Itwas9:05p.m.whenIcalledLindaforcommiserationfromhome.Thefirstthingshesaidwas,“Youknowhecouldhavebeenlying,right?Whysomanydetails?”
“Thatdidcometomind,butIhadtorejectitasapossibilitysincemyself-esteemwouldnottakeitotherwise.”
ShesaiditwasOK.Shesaidknowingme,therewasnowayhewouldhavebeenworthit.“Imean,youcouldnevertalkaboutworkwithhim,andoncetheromanceisgone,andyou’vealreadyfiguredouteachother’spoliticalandreligiousbeliefs,finances,andsexualhistory,whatelseistheretotalkabout?”Loudmasticationofsomethingsmall,withfragilebones.“Justthinkaboutit,himtellingyouhowacolonoscopywent.Orhowbesttobeathemorrhoids.”
Isighed.Shewasright,ofcourse,butstill,theideaofhimpullinganimaginarysurgeryoutofhisassjusttogetoutofadatewithmestillfeltlikeashittymoveonhispart.
OK,Diary,I’llstopnow.
10:25p.m.ToldmymotherthatChucktoldmehehadfailedayearofmedschool,evenaftergettingatutorassignedtohim.Worse,hehadgraduatedbottomofhisclass.Shewillneverbringhimupagain.
11:15p.m.Still…anotheronebitesthedust.Datingistough.21
Monday11April
8:35a.m.CametoworkthismorningtofindMongatmydesk,lookinglikehehadjustdownedthreeRedBullsinonego,whichincidentallyIhadseenhimdobefore.
“EricDengisdownthehallinconferenceroomIntegrity,”hesaidurgently.“Andhe’saskingtomeetyou.”
Sorrytogoofftopic,butseriously,whydopeoplenameconferencerooms?It’sbadenoughthatwehavetohavemeetingsinthem.Honestly,itwouldbelikenamingwashrooms.Also,ifwe’regoingtonamethem,canweatleastusenamesclosertothetruth,likeEndlessBoredom,PointlessPowerPointPresentations,andRoomNottoHaveSexIn,Ever,It’sNotaGoodIdea,EspeciallywithYourBoss?Youknow,gowild,becreative.
Anyway.Backtothematterathand.
“Letmegrabafreshlegalpad,”Isaid,slappingonmy“I’monIt”smileevenasmypalmsbegantosweat.Oh,Diary,whycan’tIbeanelegant,dry-palmedwomanaroundmen,likeLinda?IsitbecauseshewenttoCheltenhamandIwenttoaMalaysianhighschoolrunbynunswhousedtowarnusaboutmenandthemultitudeofdiseasestheycarriedintheirpants?(“Germbaskets”and“viruscradles”weretheexactwordsused,Ibelieve.)
“Don’tjuststareatthewall,gonow!Andstarttheclock!”*Mongsaid.Hisvoicebrimmedwithemotion.“I’msoproudofyou,Andrea.LandingEricDengisexactlythekindofwinthatwouldboostyourchancesofmakingpartnerthisyearaheadoftheothers,I’msureofit.”
Thenheshovedmeoutoftheoffice.
Ihalf-ran,half-hoppedasfastasIcouldtotheconferenceroom,slowingdowntoacarefulsashayafewdoorsaway.Isawhimbeforehesawme,sincethewallsoftheconferenceroomwereallfrosted-glasspanesanddiffusedlighting.Itookadeepbreath,wipedmypalmsdownthesidesofmyskirt,andopenedthedooralittleharderthanIhadintended.Thedoorhandlesmackedtheinteriorwallwithglass-shatteringpotential.Webothcringed,thenheavedidenticalsighsofreliefwhennothingbroke.
Unlikethelasttimewemet,EricwaswearingFullBosswear:anelegantgraythree-piecesuitandabowtieinHermèsorange,hisshockofgrayinghaircombed,thesamepairoftwinklylightbrowneyeswiththeirlaughlinesnowshowingahintofsteelintheharshdaylight.Althoughhehadwhatcouldonlybetermeda“dadbod,”hewastallandbroad-shouldered,hehadgreatposture,andhisskinwastannedandhealthy-looking;hecouldhaveeasilypassedassomeoneadecadeyounger,andnotinaValerieGomezI-like-standing-only-in-dim-nookskindaway.
Helookedgood.
Hecameuptome,palmsoutstretchedformine,anddidtheEuropeancheekpress,lingeringlongerthanwasstrictlynecessaryoneachcheek.“Hello,Andrea,”hesaidinhisgravellyvoice.
“Hello,”Isaid,playingitcool,sincehecouldeitherbehereforbusinessoradate.Wesatdown.Ifiddledwithmynotebookanduncappedmyfountainpentolookmoreprofessional.“WhatcanIhelpyouwith,Mr.Deng?”Isaid,primly.
“Oh,Iwashopingwewereonafirst-namebasisnow,youknow,sinceyou’vealreadycalledmeanimmoraloldfart,”hesaid,poker-faced.
Igrinnedandtookarisk.“I’msorry,Eric,you’reclearlynotold.Asforimmoral…”
Helaughed.“You’reforgiven,”hesaid,smiling.“I’llcuttothechase,sinceI’mawarethatyourbossprobablythinksthatI’mheretogiveyourfirmsomebusiness—I’mnot.Tan,Victor&Partnershavetakencareofmybestinterestsforclosetotwelveyears,andIdon’tbelieveinmixingbusinesswithpleasure.I’mhereforpersonalreasons.”
“Oh,”Isaid,pleasedanddisappointedatthesametime.ItwouldhavebeenalietosayIwasn’tdisappointedatall.I’mstillafee-earner-on-partner-trackatheart.“DoesTan,Victor&PartnershaveagreatM&Apracticelikeours?”Isaidgamely.“Imean,Mongisthebest.”AndI’mhisnumbertwo,Iwantedtoadd.
“Itdefinitelydoesn’t,”hesaid,lookingthoughtful.“Butmaybeoneday.IdohaveacoupleofparallelfundsthatareinvestedinRalphKang’sbusinesses,andhe’smentionedtomethathe’saclientofyourfirm’s,somaybeoneday?”Hiseyesweretwinkling.“I’mheretoaskyouforyournumber,formally,andtoarrangeadatewithyou.”
Ohmy.Couldthismangetanymoreromantic?(Notbeingsarcastic,I’veliterallyalwayswantedtobeaskedoutbyaclient,àlaPrettyWoman,butwithlessprostitution—let’sfaceit,lawyersarepaidbythehour,so…)
IsmiledatEricandsaid,onlyhalf-joking,“Onlyifyouputmeasthelawyerinchargeofyournextcorporateraid.”
Hegrinnedandshookmyhand,firmly.“It’sadeal.”
Wediscussedourschedules(well,his)andIpenciledhiminforalunchdateon30April.HehadahoteltoopeninDubaiandwouldbequitebusyforthenexttwoweeks.
“Oh,anditmightbeabitcheekytothrowthisatyouafteryou’vejustacceptedadatewithme,sinceit’slikegettingatwo-for-oneafteradeal’salreadybeenmade,butpleasedojoinmeandRalphforadinnernextSaturday.Ithinkhewouldliketoseeyourfriendagain,Val,buthe’snotgoodwithwomen,especiallythoseheconsidersoutofhisleague.SoIthoughtwecoulddoubledate.”
“Ofcourse,andI’llaskValrightawayifshecanmakeit.”Ididn’ttellhimwe’dalreadymadeaplanformetojoinher,incaseRalphasked.
Afterheleft,IimmediatelytextedVal,andsheagreedtobethere.Itwasgoingtobeaninterestingnightindeed.
Wednesday13April
1:50p.m.Apparently,whenyoutrytodoagoodturnuntoonefriend,theuniversepunishesyoubrutally.
Wewerehavinglunch,LindaandI,afternothavingseeneachotherforweeks.Sure,I’dbeenbusyandsohadshe,butshe’dneverbeenahardonetopindownforaquickcatch-up,andlatelyitseemedlikeshewouldalwayshaveanexcusenottoseeme.
Lindawastwentyminuteslate,soIhadlittletimeforsmalltalk.Weorderedabottleofsparklingwaterandtwospagbogs,andIlaunchedmyinquisitionwithoutfurtherado.“Peoplehavebeenseeingyouaroundtownwithsomemysteryman,andIforoneamsickofbeingthelastpersontoknow,so,youknow,spill!”
Linda’sjawdroppedandshetookamomenttocomposeherself.“Ohdear,Iguesswe’renotbeingtoosubtle,arewe.”Shegigglednervously.“Look,I’msosorryIcouldn’ttellyou,trustmeI’dbeendyingto,butIcouldn’t.Mypartnerisaverywell-knownpersoninSingapore,andhe’sseparatedfromhiswiferightnowsowe’vebeenkeepingthiswholethingunderwraps.”
“ValeriesawyouattheFullerton.”
“Ah,crap.Iknewweshouldhavegonetomyplaceinstead.Anyway,there’sreallynotmuchtotell.We’restillfiguringthingsout.Maybeoncehisdivorceisfinalized…”
Ifoldedmyarmsandglaredather.
“Allright,allright,I’mgoingtoshowyouaphoto,butyouhavetopromiseme,ifyourecognizehimyouhavetokeephisidentitytoyourself.”
Iwasintrigued.“Isitamoviestar?”Iguessed.“TheonethatownsaMacaucasino,what’shisname,Darryl—”
ShereachedoverandgrabbedmyrighthandbeforeIcouldmoveaway,squeezingwithanaconda-likestrength.Shenarrowedhereyesatme.“Promisemeyou’llkeephisidentityasecret,”shehissed.
“OK!”Iyelped.“Ipromise!”
Sherelaxedhergrip.“Good.Idon’twanttohavetohurtyou,butIwill.”Shetookoutasmartphone,scrolledthroughsomeimagesbeforehandingthephonetomewithmanga-shinyeyes.
“OMG,”Isaid,staringindisbeliefattheimageonLinda’sphone.
“Isn’theamazing?”shecooed.
Fromthesmartphonescreen,asharplysuited,bow-tiedmanofaverageheightandbuildstaredcockilyupatmewithapugnaciousleer.Tobebrutallyhonest,hewasunattractive.Hewassounattractivethathewasinthenegativeinterestrateattractivenessterritory.Linda’smanhadthebonestructureofthedefaultTwittereggavatar,wasbalding,andhadachampagnegut.ThenIrealizedthatIknewthemanandIstartedputtingallthepiecestogether.HerloverandclientwasMassimoPoon,oneoftherichestmeninAsia(orrather,theonlygrandsonofoneoftherichestmeninAsia),notedplayboy,philanderer,andlittleelse.Despiteonlybeinginhismid-fiftieshewasalreadyknee-deepinthequicksandofhisthird,apparentlyfailing,marriage.Howcouldthisbethemanwhohadfinallysucceededinsweepingmybestfriendanddearestcousinoffherfeet?
Therewasnootherexplanationforit—itwasblackmagic.
Itookadeepbreath.“OK,Linda,you’renotdesperateformoney,thatIknowforsure.”Linda’spaternalfamilytreewasanoff-brandMarcos(orsoitwasrumored);thefamilyhadsubstantialinterestsinseveralminingandtimbercompanies,withlandtoburninBorneo.Literally.“Sopleasetellmewhatyouseeinthisman,becauseI’llbehonest,basedonthisveryunfortunatehigh-defselfie,Ihavearealhardtimeunderstandingtheattraction.”AndbeforeIcouldstopmyself,Iadded,“Plushe’snotjustoldmoney,Linda—he’sold!”
Lindaglaredatme.“Couldyoubemoreshallow?I’llhaveyouknowthatMassimoisadarling.I’llbetyoudidn’tevenknowhe’soneofthebiggestpatronsoftheSingaporeRedCrossandthathisfoundationsponsorsdozensofchildreninCambodia.He’ssmart,fearless,andexuberant.Wegetalongsowell,andweconnectonsomanylevels.”Hereyeshadafarawaylook.“Ihaven’tmetanyonewithwhomIcandiscusspolitics,conspiracytheories,religion,mid-centurymodernarchitecture,andsuperyachts.Ever.”
“Hesoundsperfect,”Isaidsnidely.“Foranadulterer.”
Lindasniffed.“Well,judgeallyouwant,butI’mnotbreakingupwithhim.He’sgoingtodivorcehiswife,andthenwe’llreallybeabletotakeourrelationshippublic.”Hervoicegrewdreamy.“DidyouknowI’mthefirstwomanhe’sdatedwho’sinherthirties?”Shegiggled.“Youknow,sinceheturnedfifty.”
Ifeltmyselfgettingannoyed.“Yousaythatlikeit’sagoodthing!”
“Whyareyousoprejudiced?Pootsisrealwithme,andIamwithhim.Hemayhavemademistakesinthepast—”
“Yeah,likethreewivesandseveralhigh-profilemistresses.”
“That’sthepast.Hedidn’tknowwhathewantedbackthen.”
“I’msureheabsolutelyknowswhathewantsnow—freshmeat.”
“Whyareyoubeingsoreductiveaboutthis?Youdon’tevenknowhimandyou’redismissinghim.”Hervoicewasstrained.“He’sthefirstmanI’vedatedwhodoesn’tcarethatIdon’twantchildren.”
“That’sbecauseheprobablydoesn’twantanywith—That’sbecauseheprobablyhastoomanyillegitimateonesofhisown!Imean,haveyoudoneyourhomeworkonthisguy?DoyourememberthetabloidstoriesofhimandeverysingleTVBstarletworthadamninthenoughties?”
“He’schanged!”
“No,hehasn’t!”
“Yes,hehas!”
“No,hehasn’t!”
Thisbrilliantexchangewentonforquitesometime.Ourvoicesweresoloudthatthetablesaroundusfellsilent,butwewerebeyondcaring.Iwasmad,fueledbymyowndesiretoprotectherfromamanIthoughtwasusingherjustlikeOrsonusedme.Howcouldshebesoblind?WhenMassimowasdonewithhershe’djustbeanothernotchinhisbedpost,nothingmore
Ichangedtactics.“He’sstilloldenoughtobeyourfather.”
“And?”Shecrossedherarms.“YoualwaystoldmethatIhaddaddyissues.”Linda’sfatherhadbeenaclassicabsenteeparent,a“special-occasionsdad”whosheonlysawwhenevershewascelebratingamilestone.“MaybeIlikethatheisoldenoughtobemydad!Maybeheevenlookslikemydad.”Shegavehertrademarkbarkinglaugh.“How’sthatforyourdesktoppsychoanalysis!”
Asilencefell,thickandunpleasant,betweenus.IhadneverbeensoriledupinaconversationwithLinda—weusuallyresolvedourquarrelsswiftly,overalcohol.WhenIspokeagain,Itriedtokeepmyvoicedowninordertogetthroughtoher.“Doyoureallythinkitwilllast?He’saknownwomanizer.Comeon,Linda,openyoureyes.Atigercan’tchangeitsstripes.It’swhatyoutellmeallthetime.”
“MaybeIwaswrong.Maybeheistheexceptiontotherule.”Hervoicewasbitter.“Butyou’rejustliketherest:youjudgehimbeforeknowinghim.”
“You’renotthinkingstraight,”Iinsisted,raisingmyvoice.“Massimoisclearlyabadchoice.”
“AtleastI’mtruetomyselfandIgoforwhatIfeelisrightforme.Iknowthat’saconceptyouaresofamiliarwith.”Hervoicedrippedwithsarcasm.“WhatIdon’tgetiswhyyou’resuddenlyinterestedinpolicingmylovelife,whenyouusedtogawpfromthesidelines,takingnotes.”
Thathitmewiththeforceofakneetothegroin.“Maybebecauseyou’veneverbeenseriousaboutamanbefore,”Ialmostshouted.
Herjawdropped.“Great,nowyou’reslut-shamingme.”
“I’mnot!”
Shenarrowedhereyes.“YouknowwhatIthink?Ithinkyou’reafraidthatI’llfindlove,andyou’llbeleftbehindinajobyoudon’tevenlike,withyouraverageexpectationsoutofyouraveragelife.”
“Idon’tthinkthere’sanydangerinyoufindinglastinglovehere,”Isaidacidly.
Shepushedherchairbackwithaloudclatter,threwtwofifty-dollarbillsontothetable,andstrodeoutoftheroomwithoutabackwardglance.
AsIpickedupthecash,Iwastremblingwithsuppressedfury,tryingtoputonanonchalantfaceinfrontoftheotherdinerstominimizetheburninghumiliationIfelt.Butitwashard.She’djustaccusedmeofbeingpassiveandbasic.Sleepwalkingthroughmyownlife.JustbecauseI’malittleriskaverseandIhaveparentswhocaredenoughaboutmetotakeanactiveroleinmyday-to-dayaffairs.
1:30a.m.Can’tsleep.
1:50a.m.Stillcan’tsleep.
2:15a.m.Whatshesaidaboutmeisn’ttrue,isit?
2:35a.m.I’lljusthaveoneglassofwinetohelpmesleep.
2:55a.m.Andawhisky.Ortwo.
3:40a.m.WhosneedsLinda.Ilfinfnewfiendsshe’llsee1!22
Thursday14April
6:55a.m.Urggh.Myhead.Isittimeforworkalready??
8:10a.m.Sureshtookonelookatmeandranforcoffeeandaglassoforangejuice.
9:25a.m.Dying.Wenttothetoilet,foundacleanstall,puttheliddown,andsatwitheyesclosed,justforabit.
10:10a.m.Wokeupwhenphonevibrated.Nearlydroppedphone.Haveaclient’scalldueinabouttwentyminutes.Crap.Ranoutoftoilet.WentbacktoofficeandtoldSureshcasuallyIhadbeenonsuperlongconferencecallwithaclient.Suresh’sdeliberatelyexpressionlessexpressiontoldmeeverythingIneededtoknow:heknew.
10:25a.m.Clientemailedtocancelconferencecall.ThankGod.
10:27a.m.SnuckapeekatmirrorwhenSureshlefttheroomandrealizedhowheknew:longlineofcrusteddroolonchin.Iamtheepitomeofasuccessful,well-adjustedwoman.
11:30p.m.Iwillneverdrinkagain.
2:07p.m.Iwillnotdrinkagain—thisweek.Amfeelingslightlybetterafterlunch.
4:00p.m.Twocoffees,fiveglassesoforangejuice,andfourparacetamolslater:hallelujah,Iamhealed!
5:15p.m.Isthereaplatformforpeoplelookingforfriends,likeTinderorSponk,onlyplatonicandnotfilledwithdicks?
TriedaskingSureshwithoutgivingawayfightwithLinda.HeshruggedandsuggestedIbuildone.ThenheinvitedmetohangoutwithhisCatangroupagain,towhichIdeclined.It’sonethingtohavenolife,anothertospenditplayingboardgameswithnointentionorambitionofgoingprooneday.
5:33p.m.Ihavefriends.IhaveValandJasonandBen.
5:40p.m.Wait,theseguyswereallLinda’sfriendsfirst.Wouldtheywanttohangoutwithmeiftheyhadtochoosebetweenthemoreglamorous,moneyed,interesting,andbeautifulLindaandme?
5:55p.m.Howdiditgettothis?IthoughtI’dhavemorefriendsatthisstageofmylife,evenifyoutakeawaythosewho’dgoneofftohavefamilies,becausehowcanIcompetewithMontessorienrichmentclasses,PTA,andClubMed?
It’squiteshocking.MaybeIshouldbuildthatplatform.Oneday.
6:10p.m.Googled“howtobuildanapp.”Seemseasyenough.Justneedtolearnhowtocode.Howhardcanitbe?
6:30p.m.Triedtoteachmyselfsomecode,surreptitiously,viaanonlinecourse,butverynearlystabbedmyselfwithapairofscissorsindesperation.Wastoodiffic—Imean,it’svery,erm,notmycupoftea.ThankGodmymotherneverknewthatprogrammerswouldbethenextbigthing,otherwisethiswouldhavebeenmylife.
6:33p.m.Couldstillhirepeopletobuildtheplatformthough.
6:40p.m.ShookmyselfoutofadaydreamwhereIhadbuiltthenextunicornplatform,somethingsomethingtechy,andwasnowasexybillionairewithadirectlinetodesignersRolandMouretandJosephAltuzarra.
6:45p.m.Mmm.JosephAltuzarra.
6:48p.m.Shit!!RealizedI’vesentanemailtoaclientliterallywithwords“Mmm.JosephAltuzarra.”
6:50p.m.It’sOK.Haverecalledthemessage.
6:56p.m.Shit,JosephAltuzarraisgay.Notthattherehadbeenanychanceofusgettingtogetherinthefirstplace.Still,agirlcandream.
6:59p.m.Mmm.JosephAltuzarra.
—
Icamehomeandfoundthedoorunlocked.NowIliveinaprettysafearea,withsecurityandkeycard.Itwasunlikelythatsomeonecouldhavegottenpastthesecurityunlesstheylivedonmyflooritself.Yettherewasmydoor,ajar.
“Hello?”Isaid,myvoiceshaking.WhenIheardnothing,Ipluckedupmycourageandwalkedin,holdingmykeysinmyhandasaweapon.Thelivingroomwasdarkexceptforasliveroflightfromtheguestroom(whereIkeepallmydesignerbags,thesmartfucker!).Itiptoedin,grabbingblindlyinthedarknessformyumbrella.Iplannedtojabthehousebreakingsuckerintheeyes,andwhentheguywasonhiskneesscreamingashecontemplatedhiscostlymistake,Iwouldstandoverhimandlaughinhisface,and—
“Hey!”avoicesaidbehindme.Iscreamedandjumpedthreefeetintheair.
“It’sme,yousillybilly.”Itwasmymother,slitheringoutoftheshadowstojointhelivinginjeansandawhitekurtatop,herunnaturallyblackhairinaseverebob.
“What,”Igasped,grippingtheedgeofthebarcounterforsupport,“theeffingeffareyoudoingheretoday?Couldyounothavemadeasign…forthatmatter,haveyounotheardofthecourtesycall?Thecallyoumaketoyourdaughtertowarnherthatyou’recomingafewdaysaheadofschedulesoshedoesn’tscareherselfshitless?”
Matootedandwaggedherfingeratme.“Language,darling.Doyouthinkyouwilltrapabeewithvinegar,astheFrenchsay?”Shedidavolte-faceandwalkedtowardthekitchen,motioningmetofollowher.“Besides,ifIwarnedyou,doyouthinkIwouldbeseeingyouinyournaturalhabitat?”
“Andmissanopportunitytocriticizeyourowndaughter?”Imuttered.
“Drinkthis,yourbreathstinks,”shesaid,thrustingaglassofcoldorangejuiceinmyface.“Youhaveanobviousvitamindeficiency,amongotherthings,judgingbythecrepeytextureofyourfacialskin.”Mymother,evertheencouragingsoul.
Idowneditandmadeaface.“Isthisjuiceexpired?Ittasteslikearatdrownedinit.”
“You’reprobablynotusedtodrinkingsomethingnon-alcoholic.”Shewavedherarmsatthekitchencountertop,wherenineemptywinebottlesstood.“Lookslikesomeone’sbeencelebratingorstressingalittletoooftenlately.”
“That’smyrecyclingstash,”Isaid.(Itwasnot.)“Urgh,whytheheckamIdefendingmyself?I’magodda—freakingadult,forfu—cripes’sake!”Ireachedaroundhertoopenthefridgedoorandgrabbedforthehalf-emptybottleofroséIhadstuckintothejuicecompartmenttwodaysago—onlytofinditstockedwithinnocentboxesofcold-pressedjuice.
“Igotridofalltheliquidpoison,”mymothersaidnonchalantlyasIswore
“It’sOK,Ma.”Iopenedthefreezercompartment,rootedaroundunderthebagsoffrozenpeasandwhatnots,andreachedmyemergencystockofminiaturevodkabottles.Igrabbedamugandsloshedageneroushelpingofvodka,neat,beforegulpingitdown,muchtomymother’sdisgust.
“Hah!”Isaidbetweengulpsofburningvodka.“Hah!”Ifeltlikethemostchildishthirty-three-year-oldonthefaceofEarth.Whogotoneupontheirmothernow?AlcoholicAndrea,that’swho!
Shesaid,withperfectnonchalance,“Bytheway,Ijustdewormedyou.Youmightwanttoslowdownonthealcohol.”
Ispatoutmyvodka.
“Sillybilly.Notinyourvodka.Inyourjuice!”
Theearthtiltedbeneathmyfeet.“What…whatdidyouputinme?”
Shegavea“What,me?”shrugofinnocence.“Oh,justaneensyweensytabofZentel.”*
“OhGod,”Iwhispered.Thewomanwascrazy.Itwasluckythatshewaswellintohersixtiesandawomanwithlittlepatienceforpharmaceuticals;Icouldpictureherasapredatorymillennialhipsterwithastashofroofies,meth,andMexicanViagra.Shewouldhavebeenaverysuccessfuldrugdealer.
Shesmiledslylyatme.“Youknowitwasmybirthdaylastweek,right?”
Igatheredmyself.“Yes,Ma,Isentyouthatcardandthosemessages.”
“Yes,thatcheapHallmarkcard.Howlovely.ButIdon’tcarethatmychildrenaretoocheaportooheartlesstobuymegiftsanymore.Idon’tcareaboutthematerialthings.Sadly,theonethingIreallywant,thatis,tobeagrandmother…”
“OhmyGod!”Iexclaimed.“I’veonlybeenhomefortenfuckingminutesTen!”
“Allmyfriends’daughtersaremarriedwithgoodprospects,withkids.Andme?Whenwillitbemyturn?Bothmydaughtershavenointerestindoingthesame.Zero.”Shepointedafingeraccusinglyatme.“HowcomeevenanunattractiveolderwomanlikeHelencanfindagweilo*tomarry,butyoucan’t?”
Igrabbedmyhair;therewasasoftthrummingsoundinmyleftear.Myvisionswamandmyfacethrobbed.
“Allright,allright.Icanseeyou’regoingtomakeabigdealoutofnothing.I’llstop.”Shesighed.“Itdoesn’tmakeadifferenceanyway.Mychildrendon’tlistentome.Imightaswellnotexist.”
Don’tlashout.Don’tlashout.Takedeepbreathsandthinkhappythoughts.
Iimaginedmyselfstranglingmymother.“I’mgoingtomyroom,”Isaid,whenIcouldfinallyfeelmyfaceagain.“I’mgoingtochangeintoshorts,soifyoufeellikemovingontophysicalabuse,it’llshowbetter.”
“You’rebeingoverdramatic,”saidthewomanwhohadjustdruggedme.
IopenedthedoortomyroomtochangeoutofmyworkclothesandreceivedthesecondshockofmylifewhenIopenedmydrawer.
Iscreamed.IthoughtIwouldneverstopscreaming.IwassureIwoulddiefromabrainaneurysmmid-scream.
Drawnbymypain,mymotherclatteredintotheroom.
“What.The.Fuck.Is.The.Meaning.Of.This?”Isaidinadeadlycalmvoice,pointingtomyemptyunderweardrawer.Empty,exceptformygymunderwear,i.e.,stretched-outgraycottonundies.
Shecouldn’thavestoppedthere;Iwalkedtomybedsideandyankedopenmynightstanddrawer.Allthecondomsweregone.
“Where.Are.The.Condoms?”Isaid,inthesamevoice.
“Inthebinwithyourblacklacepanties,wheretheybelong,”mymothersaidmatter-of-factly.Shegavemealookofdisapproval.“Bytheway,youreallyshouldlosesomeweight.Inoticedyouhavegoneuptwosizes.Who’sgoingtowantyouifyou’refat?”
IttookallthewillpowerIhadtostayplantedonthesamespot.“Pleaseleave.Now.BeforeIexplode.”
“Don’tbesilly.Ican’tleavenow.I’llleavetomorrow,whenIcantravelsafelyinacabandnotgetraped.”Sheclappedherhands.“Besides,Imadedinnerforthetwoofus.Socome,eatwithme.Imadeyouyourfavoritedrunkenmushroomchickenwithgarlicbokchoy.”
Mystomachrumbled;Ihadn’teatensincelunch,andIwassohungry.Butmyprinciples…
Intheend,mystomachmadethedecisionforme.Iwoulddealwithmymothernexttime,likewhenshewasoldandimmobile.Let’sseehowshewouldlikestayinginthelocalMethodist-runnursinghome.
Afterwehadeaten,Itriedtouncoverthereasonwhyshewasintownaweekearly.
“Can’tIvisitmyfavoritedaughterwithoutreason?”shesaid.
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Iknowyou.Younevervisitwithoutreason.Spill,Mom.”
Shehesitated.“Well,ifyoumustknow,Igotatextfromyoursister.ShewantedmetoknowthatKamarulproposed.Andsheaccepted.”
Iwhooped.Atlonglast!Icouldn’tbelievethatMelissaandKamarulwerefinallygettinghitched—theyhadbeenwaitingforsolongfortherighttime(i.e.,mymother’sblessing),butclearlythey’dhadanepiphanyanddecidedtostopwaitingandgoforit.Icouldn’tbeprouderofthem.
“Well.Theycangoaheadandgetmarriedwithoutme,becauseImaynotbestoppingit,butI’mcertainlynotgoingtothewedding.IneedyoutotellherthatbecauseI’mstillnotspeakingtoher,”mymothersaid.
“Whynot?”Idemanded.“Aren’tyoutiredofthisfoolishnessbynow?”
“Youdon’tunderstandwhereI’mcomingfrom,buttrustme,Iknowbetter,”shesaidangrily.“Melissaisgoingtoregretthis.She’sgoingtogiveupeverythingforaman—herculture,herpotentialinheritancefromAuntieWeiWei—everything.It’sastupidmove.”
Ipiledmoreofthefoodonmyplateandstoodup.“I’mgoingtobed,andyoucantellheryourself,”Isaidcurtly.
“I’mnottalkingtoheruntilshebreaksupwithhim!”mymothercalledtomyretreatingback.
Islammedthedoorbehindmetogiveventtomyfeelings.Mymotherwassostubbornandnarrow-minded.It’sagoodthingI’mnothinglikeher.
Friday15April
7:40a.m.Usheredmymomintoacab.Shelookedcontrite,butIwasn’tfallingforit.ShecanbitchaboutherchildrenwithAuntieZhang,anotherSingapore-basedsiblingofhers;twoofthelatter’schildrenwerestrugglingactorsandtheyoungestwasa“socialmediainfluencer”withlessthanonethousandfollowers.Thetwoofthemcouldhappilydebatewhichoftheirchildrenhaddisappointedthemmost.
12:30p.m.HadalovelyvideochatwithmysisterandKamarul,whoareinBukitLarutonsomehipsterrustictreehouseretreattocelebratetheirengagement.WasalittlemiffedthatMelissadidn’tcallmetotellmeimmediately(ithadhappenedlastFriday),butshesaidit’sbecauseshewasworriedthatifshetoldme,I’dblaballovertownbeforeshegatheredthenervetotellourmother.Asif!
Whensheaskedmeifourmotherwasattending,Isaid,“Atthemoment,itseemslikeshe’sundecided,butlet’ssee.”
Silence.
“Allright,”shesaidsoftly.
“Tellmeabouttheproposal!”Ialmostshoutedtocompensateforthedownwardturninmood.
Hehadaskedheronenightafterdinner,intheirhomeononeknee,afterpresentingherwithacakehehadbakedhimself(aterriblefail,butshewastouchedbytheefforteventhoughthewholehousenowsmelledlikeburnedcaramel,hencetheretreat).Shedidconfideinme,whenKamarulexcusedhimselftogiveussomespacetodissecttheproposal(andthering,duh—aroundonecaratAsscher-cut,platinumband),thatshewasstrugglingwithhavingtoconverttoIslaminordertomarryKamarulunderMalaysianlaw.
“Youdon’twantto?”
“Well,there’snootherway,”shesaid.“NotifwewanttogetmarriedinMalaysia.Inanycase,wecan’tgoonlivinginthislimbo.Evenifachoicewaspossible,ifIdon’tconvert,hisfamilywillbeverydisappointed.Hisparentswon’tcuthimoff,buthiscommunitywill.It’salotofsocietalpressure.”
Families—whereveryoustood,theretheywere,poison-dippedpitchforkstoyourback.
“Wouldyoueverconsiderleaving?”
“Malaysia?”Asigh.“No.Nomatterwhat,it’sstillhome.Andthenthere’sMa…”
Webothfellsilent.
“Look,whereveryouareintheworld,youcanstillsendmeMa’sallowanceandI’llremitittoherfrommyaccount,asperusual.”Forsometimenow,Melissahadbeensendingmemoneyforourmother’slivingexpenses,andIwouldwirethatsum,alongwithmycontribution,toourmothereverymonth.It’satokensum,ofcourse,asourmotherhadasmallbutdecentincomefromtworentalpropertiesinKualaLumpur,butit’sthewaymanyofusChinesekidsrepaythedebtthatweoweourparentsforthemsacrificingthebestyearsoftheirlivesbyworkingsohardtosendustothebestschools,etc.Toldyou:we’rethebestpensionplan.
“That’snotit,”shesaidheavily.
“She’llcomearound,”Isaid,withasmuchconvictionasIcouldfake.
Inanycase,weendedtheconversationonapositivenote:IwillnotberequiredtowearanyGrecian-inspiredmaid-of-honorgowns.Therewillbesleeves,yardsandyardsofthem.ThankGod.23
Sunday17April
Lindaandhermysterymanhavefinallybeenoutedbythepress.They’dbeenphotographedonayachtwiththeirnaughtybitshanginginthebreezeinCannesatsomeafter-party.Well,actuallytheywereintheperipheryofapicturewithsomeonefromOneDirectionorsimilar,andthatnaturallycaughttheattentionofthenews-starvedSingaporeanpress.“BillionairePlayboyBringsMysteryWomanOnboardTechSuperstar’sMegaYacht!”
There,intheblurryenlargedpic,wasLindaintheworld’ssmallestwhitestringbikini,onethatatoddlercouldhavecrushedinitsfist.Barefoot,shestoodalmosthalfaheadtallerthanMassimo.
“She’sreallywithhim?”ValeriesaiddisapprovinglywhenwemetupforadrinksessionthateveningwithJasonandBenatanewMexicanfusioncocktail-and-tapasbar.ValerieknewaboutMassimo’sunsavoryreputation.
“Unfortunately,yes.”InoticedthatJasonwasalsoinsomekindoffunk,staringstonilyataspotbehindmyheadanddowningbeers.He’dbeenactingweirdinthelastgrouphangs.Thenagain,thechemistryofthegrouphanghadbeenoffwithoutLinda.Clearly,shefound“Poots”amuchmorefascinatingspecimentospendhertimewith.Myspiesinherofficetoldmethatshewasbillingthebareminimumtogetbyandwasalwaysoutforthree-hour-long“lunches.”ButnowthatsheandMassimowerehavingallkindsofunnaturalnocturnaldealingsontopofhisbeingherclient,thebosseswerenevergoingtofireher—theyneededhertokeepthelawfirm’sPonzi-likebillingmodelgoing.
Ifonlytheyknewthemeansshewasusingtohookhim,Ithoughtsourly.ThenIthoughtofallthecleavage-baringclient-relationshipmanagersIknewinprivatebanking,andIsighed.Singapore,thoughconservative,understandsthatsexsells(eveniftheyweren’tnecessarilyhavingitthemselves).Linda’sbossesmighthavestiffupperlips,buteventheyweren’tgoingtothumbtheirnosesatLinda’squestionablemerger-and-acquisitiontactics.
Urgh.Lindaalwayscameoutontop.
“She’llcomearound,”Bensaid.“She’llfindherselfawinner.”Hemeanthimself,clearly.
“Idon’tknowaboutthat.Shelikeshermenvapidandrich,preferablywithafewSTDs,”Isaidcattily.
“Excuseme,”Jasonsaid,pushinghischairbackloudlyandwalkingaway.
“What’swrongwithJason?”Valerieasked,uncharacteristicallyobservant.
“Badnachos?”Isaid.
IgaveJasonaquickonce-overwhenhereturned.Hewasdefinitelynottakinganydrugsinthetoiletbecausehelookedevenmoredejectedthanhehadbefore.Dudewassomiserableheorderedthreeroundsofdrinksforeveryone.Whatisgoingonwithmyfriends?
Saturday23April
SpenttheeveningwithRalphKang,Valerie,andEricDengatoneoftheold-schoolfine-diningShanghaineserestaurantsIcanneverrememberthenameof.
EventhoughshewaslessthanthrilledaboutseeingRalph,whoshefoundlacklusterandcoarseinappearance,itdidn’tstopValeriefromdollingup.Sheworeatriple-strandMikimotopearlnecklaceandadelicate,long-sleeved,body-huggingblackvelvet-and-lacedress,pairedwithspectacularblackCharlotteOlympiaPalomaheelsandanAlexanderMcQueenSmallDeMantaclutchofmine(well,Linda’s).Asforme,Iplayeditlow-keyandworeoneofmywrapdressesinnavyblueandlowkittenheels.Iwasnervousaboutthedoubledate.Ihadn’tseenRalphsincethefatefulSexlessBookCluborEricsinceheambushedmeatwork,soIwasalittlenervousabouthowthechemistrybetweenthefourofuswouldturnout.Plusifthingsdidn’tgowelltonight,EricandIwouldhaveawkwardnesstosmoothoverwhenwewentonourdatenextweekend.
Dinnerdidnotstartwell.WhenValerieandIarrived,thetwomenweredeepinheatedconversationandRalphwasredwithdispleasure.Heacknowledgeduswithacurtgreetingbeforestormingoff
Ericleanedoverandwhispered,“Sorry,wejustsawhisex-wifeafewtablesaway.She’sherewithherChileansalsainstructor,whoapparentlywastheoneshewascheatingonRalphwith,hencethestroppymood.”
Ah.Theex.ErictoldusthatRalphhadlefttoseehisfriend,thechef,aboutkickingthemoutoftherestaurant.
“Ishouldgowithhim,justincasehetriestocreateascenewithher.He’snotonetoshyawayfromconfrontation,andIknowhe’sbeendyingtobeatupVicente.”EricexcusedhimselfandhurriedafterRalph.
Val’seyeswerehugewithrespectanddesire.“Heissomanly,”shewhisperedtome.
Therewasabriefcommotionandtheex-wifeandVicentewereunceremoniouslybootedoutoftheestablishment,butRalph’smooddidnotimprove.Newbottlesofwineappearedandthingswentdownhillfromthere.Ralphwasabelligerentdrunk,andthemorehedrank,themoresilent,andredder,hegot.Atonepointhejuststoppedtalkingentirely.Eric,blesshim,triedhardtogetaconversationgoing,buttonoavail.Afteranhourorso,Ihadhadenough.ItoldthegroupIhadaclosingandthatIhadtoleave,atwhichpointRalphsnappedoutofhisfuguestateandcalledforthebill.Whenthewaitressarrivedwiththecheck,Ralphtookouthiscreditcard(aflashyJPMorganReserve)andloudlyinsistedhepayforthetable(notevenlookingtoseeiftheamountwascorrect),butwhenshewasabouttoleave,Igotupandstuckmygrottycreditcardintothecheckpresenterinherhand,askingtosplitthebillinhalfformeandVal(Iwouldclawbackthemoneyfromherlater)—nowaywasIgoingtoletsomerichguybuyusofftofeelbetterabouthowbadlyhehadbehavedthewholeevening.Ralphwasupsetandthediscussiongotheatedbetweenuswhilethepoorwaitressstoodthere,pale,untilEricintervened,takingbothcardsoutofthewaitress’shandandreplacingthemwithhis,agold-edgedblackoneIdidn’trecognize.“Dinner’sonme,”hesaid,wavingherawayinhiseasygoingmanner,eventhoughhisvoicewasanorder.
Oncewewereoutoftherestaurant,RalphhavingstayedbacktospeakwiththechefwhileValeriereappliedherfaceintheladies’,IpulledEricasidetounleashmyfrustration.“Yourfriendwasajerktoday.”
“Excuseme?”
“Yousawhowhewasinthere.Loud,rudetoValerieandme,drunk!”
Hepulledoutacigaretteandstuckit,unlit,betweenhislips.“So?”
“So!”Isputteredwithindignation.“That’sjustnotthewayit’sdone,that’swhat.Youdon’tactlikethisonadate.”Iwasalsoverydisconcertedwithhisattitude.Birdsofafeatherflocktogether,etc.
“Andwhatdoyouwantfromme?”
“Anapology.Anexplanationforhisappallingbehavior.Idon’tknow.”
Helitthecigaretteandtookadeepdrag.“I’mgoingtosmokethiscigarette,thenI’mgoingtoaddressthesituation.Doyousmoke?”
“No,”Isaidsulkily.“Iquit.”(AlthoughIdidoccasionallystress-smoke,Ididnotadd.)
“Thenpleaseexcuseme.”
HethenwalkedtotheotherendoftheparkinglotandsmokedhiscigarettewhileIgraduallycooleddown.BythetimehewasbackIwasmuchcalmer.
“OK,here’smytake.Ralph’sbeingrudetoday,andIapologizeonhisbehalf,buthe’sacurmudgeonlydogmostofthetime.He’sahighlystressedindividual,that’swhyhelookssobad.I’mnottellingyouthistoexcusehisbehavior,moretogiveyousomecontext:theman’sbeenhurtingfromhisdivorceandhe’snotmaskinghisfeelingseventhoughyou’renotclosetohim,andyou’llfindthatinsomecirclesthat’saboutthemostrefreshingqualityamancanhave.Isn’tthatwhatyoumillennialslovetoharponabout?Beingauthentic?AndRalphisnotmucholder.”
“Why,Imean,Idon’t…well,Iguesswhenyouputitthatway,wecouldall…youknow.Well!This!”Iblatheredoninthisfashion,flatteredatbeingmistakenforamillennial.Thenthepennydropped.“Wait—howoldisRalphKang?”
“Ralph?He’sthirty-nine.”
Myjawdropped.Helookedsoweathered.
“AndIthinkyourfriendisoldenoughtodecidewhatshewantswithoutyoupolicingher.Didsheevenputyouuptothistirade?”
“No,”Iconceded.“ButIcouldseethatshewasuncomfortablewithhisactions.”
“Maybeyouwereprojecting.BecausefromwhereI’mstanding,thosetwohavenotcomeoutoftherestaurantinthelasttwentyminutesorsothatwe’vebeenouthere.I’mprettysurethey’reinthetoiletgettingacquainted.”
Iglancedatmywatchandgroaned.
“Youneedtorelax,AndreaTang,”headmonished.“You’revery…tightlywoundup.”
“SoI’vebeentold.It’spartofmycharm.”
Withoutmissingabeat,Ericsaid,“No,it’snot.Youhavemuchmoregoingforyouthanyouranxiety.”
IwaitedforhimtotellmewhatIhadgoingonforafewbeats,evenifitwereirreverentorinappropriate(“—likeyourcrazyeyesoryourheftybodyodor!”;“—suchasyourabilitytotell,fromonesniffofababy’shead,whethertheywillgrowuplactose-intolerant/racist!”)beforerealizingthathehadstoppedtalkingandwaslookingatmeexpectantly.IguessthekindofwittyrejoindersIcraved,thatpeoplelikeLindaandSureshsuppliedatthedropofahat,werenoteveryone’sforte,andatthatmomentImissedLinda.“I’mglad,”Isaid.“Sotellmeaboutyourauthenticselfthenwhilewewaitforthoseknuckleheads.”
Hechuckled.“Youmeanyouhaven’tGooglestalkedeverylastbitofavailableinformation?”
“There,um,isn’tmuchaboutyoudatingbackmorethantwelveyears.”Hewasanolderman,andhavingascantdigital(especiallysocialmedia)trailwasprettycommonwithmenhisage,waswhatIwantedtosay.AlthoughitdidnotexplainwhyValeriecouldn’tfindmuchonRalphontheinternet.“AndnotalotonRalph,either.”
“Ah,myskimpyFacebookandLinkedInprofiles.”Hegrinned.“WhatcanIsay,Ilikebeingmysterious.AndRalph,likeme,isjustaboutasdiscreetasyoucanget,forhislevelofwealth.Irespectthat.”
“Sorry,butIdon’tdomystery;infactIgotbadlybitjustafewweeksagobymystery.”
“Oh,howso?”
“SomeoneImetonlinestolesomethingfromme.”
“I’msorrytohearthat.MaybeIcanhelp.”
“It’sadeadend.Nevermind.”IwassorryI’dbroughtupOrsonandtriedtochangethesubject.“Sotellme,what’snotontheWWW?Whoareyou?”
“Well,itlookslikethosetwoarestillinthere,soclearlywe’vegottime.Butfirstthingsfirst:doyousmokecigars?”Hehadmagickedoneoutofhisjacketpocket.
Inodded.Helitthecigarandpassedittome.Ipuffedonitalittleself-consciously,coughed,andpassedthecigarback.
Hecockedhisheadandlistenedtothefaintmusicfromtherestaurant.“Theyareplayingmyfavoritesong,byTeresaTeng.That’sagoodsign.Wouldyoudomethehonor?”
Heheldouthishandandmadeagestureformetostepintohisarms.Ididsoafteraslighthesitation.Itseemednomoreunusualthanourpreviousinteractionshadbeen.Whystopnow?
Westartedtoslowdanceintheparkinglot,himpuffingvigorouslyonhiscigarovermyheadwhileIlistenedtothebeatingofhisheart.
“Here’sthedeal,AndreaTang.IknowyouthinkI’mawildcardbecauseyoucan’tgooglemylifestory,butI’mgoingtochangethat:I’mgoingtolayallmycardsinfrontofyou.I’lldothatbecauseItrustyou.”Apauseashepuffedonhiscigarandwhirledmearoundbeforedippingme.“Iamfifty-two.I’veneverbeenmarried,butIhaveasix-year-olddaughterwhoisdeafandwhosemomwassomeoneIhadaone-nightstandwith.Forthepastsixyears,I’vebeensupportingthemboth.Themotherhasastrictconfidentialityagreementwithme.Thechildliveswithmeeveryotherweek,andIpayhermotheradecentallowancetoensuretheyarebothcomfortableandthemothercanfurtherherstudiesatalocaluniversity.Wasthattoomuchofaninformationdumpforyourduediligence?Areyouscaredoff?”
Ithoughtaboutit.Hishonestyhadbeensostriking,histonesomatter-of-fact,thatIwasunderwhelmed.Amasterfulperformance.“Idon’tscareeasily.”ThenIrecalledsomethingthathadbeenbotheringme.“Thereisonelittlething…,”Isaidhesitantly.
“Oh?”Hisvoicehadavelvetytexturetoit.
“Who’sDeeDeeHalimtoyou?Whyareyoulivingtogether?”
Helaughed.“Rashidah?DeeDeeisagoodfriend,nothingmore.Ourparentsareclose.Trustme.”
Trustme.Wecontinuedtoswayintheemptyparkinglot.Withanyoneelseitwouldhavebeenludicrous.“Mostwomenwouldnotbesoforgivingofmypast—ImustsaythatoneortwowomenI’vetriedtostartarelationshipwithcouldn’tlookpastmydaughter’sexistence.ButI’veneverregrettedhavingherinmylife,notforoneminute.She’sthebestthingthat’severhappenedtome.”
“Whydon’tyoumarrythemother?Youobviouslycareforyourdaughter.”
“I’veconsideredit,butitfeelsalittletooconvenient.Marriageisabeautifulinstitution,andIdon’twanttocheapenitbyenteringintoitjustbecauseIgotsomeonepregnant.ItwouldhavebeendifferentifthemotherandIhadanexistingrelationship,andmydaughterresultedfromthat.I’vetriedtodorightbybothofthem,allthesame.”
Iplayeddevil’sadvocate.“Youcouldhavejustignoredherclaim.”
Heraisedhiseyebrow.“No.MyparentstaughtmethatwhateverIdoinlife,Imustbereadytoshouldertheresponsibilityoftheconsequences.”
Adutifulman.“Whereareyourparentsnow?”
“Mymompassedawaymorethantwentyyearsago,andmyfatherlivesinHongKongnow.IseehimasoftenasIcan.”
“Hedoesn’tlivewithyou?”Iheardthejudgmentinmyvoice.
“No,butthat’sbecausehe’sremarriedandIwouldthinkhissecondwife,mystepsister,andhalfbrotherswouldpreferIdon’tseehimsooften.Anyway,he’sgotAlzheimer’s,soIdon’tthinkheevenrecognizesmeanymore.”Hestoppedmoving,gavemearuefulsmile.“I’mnospringchicken,Andrea.ThedayapproacheswhenIwon’thavemyparentswithme,anditissad.”
He’sfilial,mymother’svoicescreechedexcitedlyinmyhead.“Shutup,”Imuttered.
“I’msorry?”
“Er,nothing.”Iblushed.
Wehadjustbeenstandingtherewithhisarmsaroundme.Heletgoofmegently.Wesmiledateachother.
“Idon’tthinkthosetwoarecomingoutanytimesoon,”Imarveled,alittlesurprisedthatIhadforgottenaboutValerieandRalph.
“Weshouldhavedinnernextweek,insteadoflunch,”hesaid.
AftertheemotionalwringerIputhimthrough,therewasnowayIcouldsayno.Dinneritwas.
1:05a.m.NewstripfromTLTS.Watersendsoutacodedmessageviathelocalpaper’sLonelyHeartscolumn,askingforRheantomeethimatalocalbar,timeanddategiven.Hewaitsforhertoturnup,withnoideaifshe’sseenthead.
It’salongwait,withonlybeertokeephimwarm.Watergivesup.Butjustbeforeheleaves,sheappears.Waterisstruckbyherface.Itisnotaclassicallybeautifulonebyanymeasure,toohard.Onlytheeyesaresoft,likegraystars.Herhaircurlingmassesaroundthatfaceinflamesofred.Trembling,heasksherwhosheis.
“Don’tyourecognizeme?”sheasks.
“No…I’mafraidnot.”
“Ron,it’sLouise.”Shesmiles,sadly.“ButyoucancallmeRheannow,Isuppose.”
TurnsoutWater’swifedidnotdieinthefreakaccidentattheirlabbutwasspiritedawaybythebossesatthelabandexperimentedon.Whensheescaped,shewentlookingforhimandcaughthimintheactofguttingawell-knownhatepreacher.Insteadofbeinghorrified,shewasoverjoyedtoseehimagainandwantedtoreachouttohimsothattheycouldmeet,butonlyinapublicspace.Justincase.
Waterstaresather,thunderstruck,asmemoriesfromhispastresurface.Hewalkstowardhertoembraceher,whentheyrealize,forsomereason,thisisaphysicalimpossibility—theyarerepellingeachother.
“Likerepelslike,”hesays,comprehensiondawningonhim.
Theystareateachotherwithhorror.
OMG!Justletthemhavethatmoment,Suresh,youmonster!24
Sunday24April
HavenotseenLindaforsolong.Hatetoadmititbutmissher.Can’tevenrememberwhywewereinafight.
Ohyeah,she’sarudeharpy.
Butshe’smyharpy.Anddidn’tweall,likeMonsieurRalph,haveourbaddays?Don’tweallhurteachotherfromtimetotime?
Decidedtotexthertoseehowshewasdoing.
Youalive?X
Sherepliedimmediately.
Yeah*treeemoji*
Heartened,Ityped:
Soguesswhat,wentoutwithValandthesetwoguysImetwithher,EricandRalphatabookclub.
SoI’veheard.Valcouldn’tkeephermouthshut.SohowwasyourdatewithMustyandFusty?
Igiggled.Whichiswhich?
Can’ttellthemapart?Lindatexted.
EricthinksI’mamillennial!*grinemoji*
Youlooksoyoung,soI’mnotsurprised,Lindaadmittedgenerously.Theice,itseemed,wasbeginningtothaw.
—
“Butyouareamillennial,”Jasontoldme,later,inmyapartment.HehadcomeovertohangoutwithmeafterIsentoutanSOSonthegroupchatfora“drinks-freeevening.”“You’rewhat?Thirty?Thirty-one?”
Whatadarling!SomeoneshouldmarryJasonrightaway.“Thirty-three.Ish.”
Hedidthemathandstartedgooglingthebirthyearguidelinesformillennials.“Soyouwereborninthemid-eighties.Thatmeansyou’reofficiallyoneofus,accordingtoPewResearchandtheUSCensus,whichputsthecutoffpointat1981.”
Felttheexistentialcrisisofbeingamillennialhitmeinthegut.DearDiary,Iamnotgoodwithsocialmedia.Facebookisalreadyaminefield,andIuseInstagramandTwitterpurelyasstalking/fact-findingtools.Andlookathowmyattemptatonlinedatingwent.
“It’sOK,”Jasonsaid,soothingly.“Youdon’thavetobenumberoneateverything.”
11:55a.m.Wrong,Jason,wrong.Thychallengeisaccepted.Havejustorderedbestsellinge-bookswrittenbyfellowpeersmorezeitgeistythanme:InstagramforNewInfluencers,Reddit-Ready!:ForumsforSuccess,HowtoBreaktheInternetwithYourLatestSelfie,andTweetingfortheModernJezebelandwillfinishthesee-bookstonight.Imustnotletmygenerationdown.
Monday25April
1:45a.m.Willjusthavetolettheentiregenerationdown.Thesee-booksarebarelyreadable.Nobodycanspellanymore.Wearealldoomed.
7:05a.m.Ooh,text!
Andrea,Ican’twaittoseeyouwhenI’mbackfromDubai.WouldyoupleasedomethehonorofhavingdinnerwithmethisSaturdayatLesDeux?
Notahashtag,acronym,emoji,slangword,abbreviation,contraction,typo,orbadpunctuationorgrammarinsight.Whataman.
9:15a.m.JustgotanearfulfromaclientbecauseI,orratheroneofmyminions,forgottocapitalizeoneletterofacompany’snameonaboardresolution,whichwasstillindraftform,bytheway.
Well,justwaittillthelawyersoftheGenZcohortareunleasedupontheworld.Forgettingtocapitalizewillbetheleastofanyone’sconcerns.25
Tuesday26April
Oneofthoseweeksatworkthatmakesmewishthezombieapocalypsewouldcomealready.
Thursday28April
Putoutonefireonlytohaveanotheronepopuponanotherfile.AccordingtoacarefullywordedreportfromtheLuxembourglawfirmworkingonthesamedeal,therewasaslighthiccupwithoneoftheproposedacquisitionsbyourclient,aSingaporeanprivateequityfirmcalledSungguhCapital.Butinthehierarchyofclients,theonewhoseclosingI’mworkingonhasbiggermoneyballs,andthedeadlinefortheclosingistomorrow,soIred-flaggeditinmyinbox.
Outof(morbid)curiosityIopenedtheFlaggedfolder,justtoseewhatitemsIhadpending.
OMG.
Friday29April
7:15p.m.Done.GoingtoaseedykaraokedivebarinKatongwithSuresh,whowasinvolvedinaseparate,equallyhellishclosingthatwasdonetheeveningbefore.DivebarwasSuresh’ssuggestion.Thetwoofuslooklikeextrasfromanundeadmoviebecauseofourrespectiveclosings,butit’sOKbecausethedivebarwillbepopulatedbyoldermenandit’sverydark,makingmelookfreshandvigorousincomparison.Hegetsme.
1:10a.m.Gothitonleftandrightandboughtzerodrinkstheentirenight,althoughI’vebeenverycarefulnottobinge-drinkasIhaveadateinlessthantwenty-fourhoursanddon’twanttoballoon.Amlivingthedream.Adreamwherethebarissetvery,verylow.
Saturday30April
10:04a.m.Upearly.Strange.Ididn’teventhinkIwasthatexcitedaboutgoingonadatewithEricDeng.Whoknew.
10:35a.m.HAVENOTHINGTOWEAR.
11:07a.m.Goingshopping,ashavenothingtowear
11:15a.m.TextedValerietocomewith,butwhenIcheckedherLastSeentimestamp,itseemsshe’snotlookedatWhatsAppforthepastthirtyhours.Wonderful.
1:20p.m.Boughtadress.Fine,threedresses.AndLVbag.Mustaccessorizetoimpress.Plusthebagcanbeusedinmyprofessionallife,thusismultifunctionalandwillpayforitselfovertime.
6:45p.m.Showered,exfoliated,depilated.Staringattheslinky,backlessorcleavage-revealingclothesIbought.Allareterriblechoices,toodate-clothesywhenreallytheimageIwanttoprojectis:yes,Iamattractive,butwouldyouandIbebetteroffifIweretobecomeyourlawyer?
7:05p.m.Doorbell!Shit!Mustfindsomeitemofclothingthatisblackandbody-huggingbuthasalawyerlyhem!
11:55p.m.BackfromLesDeux.Interestingevening.ThewholethingaboutconductingmyselfproperlywithEricDeng,himbeingapossibleclientandall,gavethedateanelectricchargeoftheforbidden,i.e.,sexual.AlsomaybebecauselotsofMontrachetwine,haha.Thesecondbottlewasallthatwasneededformetoshiftgears.Suddenlytheagegapisnotthatbigadeal.Webothlikeoysters,forexample,anddemocracy(Eric’sfamilyfledChinainthe’60s).Surelythatisagoodenoughbasisonwhichtostartarelationship.
Wetalkedaboutmanythings:hisfamilyhistory(well-connected,powerfulandrich,butlosteverythingwhentheyfled,althoughtheyquicklyrebuilttheirfortunesinIndonesia)andmine(migrantlaborersonbothsides,clawedtheirwayintomiddleclass);ourcommoninterests(politics,humanrights,andpoetry);favoritefoodanddrink(SichuaneseandMalaysianfoodforbothofus(!)),petpeeves(him:peoplewhogobarefootoncommercialplanes—well,ontherareoccasionswhenErichastoflycommercialbusiness;mine:keptwiselysilent,asthereweretoomanytolistwithoutseemingunstable).
Atonepointduringthedinner,heputdownhisforkandsaid,“Youknow,I’vegotaconfessiontomake.”
“Whatisit?”Isaid,immediatelywary.Can’tsayIhadn’tbeenwaitingforthis.Ithadbeentooeasy,thelastinfodump.
“Iadmirewhatyoudo,alot.Itseemssoexciting.”
“Really,”Isaidinaneutralvoice.
“Well,whenIwasatuniversity—”
“Whichone?”Iaskedeagerly.
“Oxford.”
“Nice,verynice.Goodone,that.”
“Thanks.MayIcontinue?”
“Sorry,yes,please.”
“Ihadreadlawandwantedtogowholehog,becomeabarrister,butmyfathersteppedinandaskedmetocomehome.”
“Why?”
“Hewantedmetostayinthefamilybusinessofhospitalityandrealestate,notwastetimeasabarrister.SoIdid.Icamehome.Iresentedhimforitatfirst,buthavemadepeacewithitnow.”
Theideathatbeingalawyeris“notgoodenough”toaChinesefamily—well,thatjustshowsyouthedifferenceinstatusbetweenhisfamilyandmine.
“It’snotthatfun,”Iassuredhim.“Rulinganempiresoundswaymoreinteresting.”
Ericsmiledruefully.“WhenIfirsttookoveritwasn’tgreatforme.Ifeltlikeacaketopper.Thecompanyalreadyhadaveryestablishedgrowthplanandanexcellentmanagementteam,andmyfatherwasalwayspeeringovermyshoulderasthechairman.It’sonlyinthelastdecade,afterhisAlzheimer’s,that…Icouldspreadmywings,makemymark.Thegreenhotelbrand,Lana,ismyotherchild,really.AndIguessinhindsight,itwastherightchoice.”
Hmm.Isupposeinawayourpathshadsomesimilarities,althoughhewaspersuadedtorunamultibillion-dollarempire,butthereyougo.
Foodwasverygood,sogoodthatifhehadmadehismoveafterthesecondbottleofMontrachetImighthavelethimkissme.Buthedidn’t.Heplayeditverycoyandproper,gentlemanly.WemadeplanstoseeeachotherwhenhegetsbackfromChengdu.Willjustwaitandsee.AtleastI’mdatingsomeonewhowon’tfilchmyjewelry—thewatchhewaswearing,abeautifulA.Lange&S?hnechronograph,costmorethanthedownpaymentformytwo-bedapartment—ifanything,heshouldbeworriedaboutmefilchinghisthings.
Theconclusionattheendoftheeveningis:I’ddefinitelyprefertodatehimthandobusinesswithhim.Andthat’ssayingsomething.Thewheelofmydatingfortunewas,itseemed,finallyspinningmeupward;myluckwasturningatlast.
Monday2May
ValerieandRalphfinallyresurfacedonmyradar.ByMondaymorning,shehadproclaimedherlovefora“mysterymanbutshh!”onsocialmedia,towitthewholeworld,becauseshehad17,300-plusfollowersonInstagram(How?Who?Why?)andmorethantwothousandfriendsonFacebook,includingRalphKang.
ImissedLindaterribly—shewouldneverhavedoneanythingsappyorpubliclyembarrassinglikethis.Shealsodidn’tfallinloveasquicklyasdroppingmoneyintoacollectionbox.Herpersonalmottowas“It’sonlyloveifyouwouldgivehimyourliver”—inspiredbywhatSingaporeanheartthrobandactorPierrePngdidforhisthen-fiancée/now-wife,actressAndreaDeCruz,in2002,acourageousandlovingfeatsochivalrousthatitexplodedtheovariesofeverysinglegirlandwomanwhoheardofit,evenusyoungadultsacrosstheCausewayinfarawayKualaLumpur.It’sbeenalmostamonthsinceIlastsawher.Amonthsinceshelastcalledmeadingusbat.AmonthsinceshehadlastpinchedmeforpronouncingawordinAmericaninsteadofBritish(theQueen’s?)English.
Imissedher.
“Ahem,”Sureshsaidovermyshoulder.Iletoutashriekanddroppedthephotoframeonthefloor.“ShouldIleaveyoutwoalone?”hesaid,inreferencetotheveryunglamorousheadshotIwasmooningover,aframedphotoofLindaasateenager.Itwascomfortingtoseeherassheoncewas,frizzy-hairedwithbracesandtadpoleeyebrows,theVickyAdamsbeforeSpiceGirlsandDavidBeckham.
“Buzzoff,buzzkill,”Isaid,wheelingaroundinmyswivelchairtoglareupathim,insteadofmaintaininganotherwiseindecenteyeline.“Don’tyouhaveyourownwomantroubles?”HeandAnoushawerestillarguingoverafreehouse.Goddamnspoiledrichpeople.
Sureshgrinned.“Touché.Bytheway,badnews.IjustranintoMonginthepantry.”
“Whatdidhewant?”
“ApparentlythebothofushavetobeinLuxembourgtomorrowonhisbehalf.RememberthatduediligencereportthatLoeschsenttoyoulastweek,theonethatmadeyoustress-eatapackofgummybears?”
“Hmm,”Isaid.Ieatalotofgummybears,sometimesevenwhenI’mnotstressed.
“SungguhCapitalwantsustocheckuponanissuethattheLuxembourglawyershaveidentifiedintheirduediligencereportonVizWare’sLuxembourgholdco.”SungguhwascoinvestinginsomenewfangleddronetechnologyusedinSpanishandPortuguesefarmscalledVizWare,andtheLuxembourgholdingcompany(or“holdco,”inlawyer-speak)was,erm,holdingeverythinginaverysexy(ifyourfetishwastaxefficiency),totallylegaltaxoptimizationstructure.ItwasabigacquisitionandSureshwasalsoworkingonthefile,althoughI,haha,wasleadseniorassociate.Hahaha.
“Whycan’tMongevercometoustojusttellusacharmingfactoidoraknock-knockjoke?”Imuttered.
“Hewouldn’tbetheMongweknowandloveifhedid.”
Isighed.“Don’tIknowit.Butwhydowehavetopersonallyflyup?It’sjustadelayedfilingofsomeaccounts.Itseemslikesomethingwecansortoutoverthephone.”
Sureshshrugged.“TheinvestmentcommitteeprefersthatweflyovertospeaktotheLuxembourglawyers,doourowninformalduediligence.AlsotheSingaporedeskrepfromourLondonoffice,TristanLangford-Bauer,willbeonhandtogivehisinputontheacquisition.He’sveryfamiliarwithLuxembourgholdingstructuresandisataxexpert,andsinceheisattendingtheALFIconferenceanyway,hethoughthe’dlendahand.Sowe’regoingtoLuxembourg!”
“Urgh.Butit’ssofar.”
“Yes,buttheclienthaspromisedtoputusupinafancyplaceandflyusbusiness.Weleavetonight.”
Ipumpedtheairwithmyfist.“We’regoingtoLuxembourg!”
Sureshpattedmyback.“Don’tworry,itwon’tbeallfunandgames.We’llalsohavetoattendthesameshowcaseandthegaladinnerbecauseLangford-Bauerthinksit’simportantfortheSingaporeofficetobethere,mingle,blahblah,richpeople,blahblah.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Thatsoundsexciting.”
“IlookforwardtotravelingwithyouandfindingoutallyourweaknessesthatIwilllaterexploit,”Sureshsaid,poker-faced.
“Ditto,”Isaid,puffingoutmychesttoappearlargertomyopponent.Inapurelynonsexualway.
Anyway,Luxembourg.Landofhillsandmedievalcobblestones,assetmanagementfirmsandfarmers,PinotGrisandgoodpork.SoSureshwascomingalong,buthowbadcoulditbe?26
Tuesday3May
12:16a.m.Verybadstarttoourtrip.LefthomelaterthanplannedbecauseIhadtoputonmakeupbeforemeetingSureshattheairportatthisungodlyhour.
Speakingofwhich,whydopeopleusetheexpression“ungodlyhour”?Allhoursaregodly.Itjustdependsonwhoyourgodis.
Madeittotheairportwithonlyminutestosparebeforetheyclosedcheck-in,butlookingfabulous(formyself,obviously,notbecauseIwasflyingwithSuresh).MadeitthroughsecuritychecksandfranticallytextedSuresh,pretendingthatIhadbeenthereforthepasthour.Noluck.Apparentlythefreakhadbeentherefortwohours,potteringaroundduty-free,thoughtfullybuyingboxesofpineappletartsandTWGteatocartallthewaytoLuxembourg.
Asifclients,theSauron-worshippingtapewormsthattheyare,canbeappeasedbypineappletarts.
Theonlythingthattapewormsunderstandis,erm…hmm.Idon’tthinktapewormsactuallyhavethecapacitytounderstand.Well,thentheonlythingtapewormsaredrivenbyis…
Whataretheydrivenby?
12:25a.m.Inowknowallthetypesofintestinalwormsyoucangetandhowtogetthem.
12:27a.m.HowtogetGenevievetodrinkfrommuddyswampwater?Howtoensuretheswampwatersamplecontainseggsofflukes?
12:33a.m.HowtogetwaterfromalakecontainingGuineaworm,surelytheLamborghiniofparasiticworms?
12:36a.m.PleasantfantasyofGuineawormburstingforthfromascreamingGenevieveisshatteredbytheinsistentbuzzingofmyphone.ItwasSureshaskingwhereIwasintheduty-freezone.RealizedIhadnotbudgedmorethantwelvefeetsinceIclearedimmigration.Shit.Amtenminutesawayfromthegateandthatgateisclosinginsevenminutes.
12:40a.m.WenttoapharmacyandboughtaboxofZentel.Mymother,Godblessher,wasrightinthislimitedcase:killthemworms.
12:43a.m.Arrivedjustbeforetheyclosedthegate,lastsecond.SmiledtriumphantlyatSureshasIwaltzedintobusinessclass,lookingimmaculateeventhoughIwasgaspingforbreathaftersprintingtothegate.
12:45a.m.Shit.Justlookeddownatmyfeetandrealizedthatinrushtotheairport,I’veworndifferent-coloredballerinashoesindifferentstyles
AlsodroppedtheboxofZentelinplainsightofSuresh,whowasseatedacrosstheaisle,whenbendingoverinapanictostickmyhandbaginfrontofmyfeetsoastoobscurethedifferentshoes.Theboxlayinthemiddleoftheaisle,itsletteringvisiblefromspace.
“IseverythingOK?”hesaidinapseudo-concernedvoicewhenItriedtopickuptheboxwithnonchalance.
“I’mbeingprudent:Europeansdon’tboiltheirtapwater.”
“Theheathens,”hedeadpanned.“ThankGodIknowforafactwe’llbeservedmineralwateronehundredpercentofthetime.”
“Unboiledmineralwaterisjustasbad.We’llseewho’slaughingwhenyouswallowtheeggsofaparasiticworm,”Ireplied.WhatIdidn’tsaywaswheresaideggswouldcomefrom,butIexpectitwillnotbedifficulttogetasampleofswampwaterthenexttimeI’minMalaysia.
10:00a.m.LuxembourgAirportatlast,aftertakingtheconnectingflightfromZurich.“Wakeup,quailface,”Isaid,elbowingSuresh,whoawokewithajerk.
“Wahh?Wahh?”Herubbedthesleepoutofhiseyes,groggyanddisoriented.“Havewearrivedalready?”
“Yes,”Isaid.Thepassengersarounduswerereachingfortheirluggageintheoverheadcompartments,eagertodisembark.“Andyou’vebeendroolinginyourseatforthepastfifteenminutessincewelanded,soI’dreallyliketogetgoing.”
Hestraightenedandlookedembarrassed.“Sorry,youshouldhavewokenmeup.”
“Ididn’twantto;youlookedsopeaceful,”Iadmitted.Ileanedcloseandwhispered,“PlusIlikelisteningtoyousleep-talk.I’velearnedsomuchaboutyou.Likethenameofyourkissingcousin,theactualpolytechnicschoolyougraduatedfrominsteadofLeeds…”
Hecuffedmeplayfullyonmyshoulder;Irespondedbypunchinghim,harderthanI’dintendedto,inthechest.“Ack!”hewheezed.“Whatwasthatfor?”
“C’mon,slowpoke,let’sgo.”Iwasalreadypullingourluggagedowntheaisle.
11:30a.m.Soonafterourlanding,wewerestrollingdowntheprettycobblestoneGrand-Rue(honestly,everythingsoundsbetterinFrench,doesn’tit?),enjoyingthebright,cloudlessday.We’dcheckedourbagsintotheSofitelLuxembourgLeGrandDucal,wheretheclienthadbookedusadjoiningsuites(“Sweet!”Sureshhadsaid.“Getit—suite?Sweet?”towhichImustshamefacedlyadmittogiggling;itmusthavebeenthejetlag)andhadafewhourstoplaytouristbeforemeetingtheLuxembourglawyers,Loesch&Kremer,intheirofficeinKirchberg,thesparklingnewCBDofLuxembourg,at2:00p.m.Suresh,predictably,haddonealltheresearchastowheretogoforfoodandtotakeInstagram-worthyphotos(yes,wewereconformingtoculturalstereotypes);wehadcoffeeandaselectionofdelicatepastriesfromOberweis,spicyhotchocolatefromabeautifulcaféfacingtheGrandDucalPalace,followedbyalatelunchinasmall,hole-in-the-wallLaotian(!)eatery.ItwasannoyinglyusefulthatSureshspokeFrench,oneoftheofficialadministrativelanguagesusedinLuxembourg.*Foroncethough,itwasnicetobeledalongfromoneplacetoanother,notthinking,notplanning.Justenjoyingthesightsandtradinginsults.
2:55p.m.ItwasashametoleavethepicturesquemedievalpartofLuxembourgandheadby(scandalouslyexpensive)taxitowardtheanonymoussteel-and-glassfacadesofthenewcitywhenitcametimeforourmeeting.Atall,pale,mousy-hairedmaninanattractivesuitwaswaitinginthelobby.IrecognizedhimasTristanLangford-Bauer,ourSingaporedeskrepresentativeinLondon.Heshookourhandshardanddidnotsmile.Hewasoneofthosemenwhosuckedthecharmoutofaroom,butwasapparentlybornwiththeresilienceandhardinessofthesuperbugMRSA(greatnameforaboybandoralogisticscompanyBTW),whichishow,despitehislackofwarmth,he’dflourishedinnewenvironmentsandslithereduptheladder.Icomfortedmyselfwiththeknowledgethatwe’donlyneedtobearoundhimforoneday.
Oncewehadbeenseatedinaconferenceroom(“Aspiration”)andmetourLuxembourglawyers,EtienneMouselandhisunderling,FrédéricWeber,ourdoubtswerequicklyassuaged.TheyassuredusthatthecommonsenseapproachwouldbetosigntheSPAwithsomecarve-outs.Verysensible,business-friendlysuggestions.GottolovetheLuxembourgians.
Weleftthefirmanhourlater,afterexchangingsomeregulatorychitchat,andSuresh,blesshim,verykindlysuggestedthatweallgetteaorbeer,sinceTristanhadsucceededhimastheSingaporedeskrepandhadbeenbringinginasteadyflowofbusinessandSureshwantedtoexchangeideas.
“No,”saidLangford-Bauer,turdily,notevenbotheringtofindsomeexcuse.
“WehavetoupdateSungguhCapital’scounsel,he’swaitingonus,”Isaid,desperatetofindsomeexcusetoleavehim.
“Right,”saidSuresh,acquiescingbecauseIwasstabbinghiminthebackwithapen.
IhadalreadyfinishedcomposinganupdateemailtoBaldevSingh,SungguhCapital’sgeneralcounsel,bythetimewegotintoacab,andwaseagertoexplorethepicturesqueLesRivesdeClausenarea(wherealocalbreweryhadabar).WefounditandproceededtoordergiantpintsoffreshMouselbeer,andsomethingporkyandfriedasasnack.Iwasthinkingthewholeunnecessarydramawasoverandwecouldnowdrinkourselvessilly,butapanickedemailtitled“URGENT:VIZWARECLOSING”arrivingbarelytwentyminutesafterwe’dsatdownprovedmewrong.
TurnsoutLangford-Bauer,whowasfriendswithBaldevfromuniversity(LondonSchoolofEconomics),hadtoldBaldevthattheclosingwaspotentiallyjeopardizedif,becauseofthedelayedfiling,theLuxembourgauthoritiesdecidedtoliquidatetheholdingcompanybeforetheclosingwasdone.SoBaldevwasdemandingwehaveaconferencecallinanhour.
Langford-Bauerrepliedtothethreadandsaidthathe’dalreadybookedaconferenceroominhishotelandwasready.
IupdatedSuresh,whowasasupsetasIwastobeleavingafterdowningonlyonepint:wesharedaloveoffreshbeer.Butworkcalled.Literally.
4:30p.m.“What’sthisIhearabouttheclosingbeingjeopardized?”Baldevdemandedwhenwegotonthephone.
Langford-Bauerexplainedthesituationwithgreatexaggeration,clearlyhavinggonebehindourbackstopaintagrimmerpictureofthedelayedfilingthanwasnecessary.Somuchforbeingonthesamesideonthisfile.
“Andrea,whywasn’tthisflaggedearlier?”Baldevsaidinagitation.“WhatamIgoingtotelltheinvestmentcommittee?NottomentionMr.Zhang.”
“Theyhadsevenmonthstofile,Andrea,”addedLangford-Bauersilkily.“I’malittleappalledmyselfthatyouandSureshdidn’tpushforalltheboxestobecheckedwhentheclienthasbeenworkingonthistransactionforthepasttenmonths,andtheclosingissupposedtobeintwomonths,tops.”Heshookhishead.“Iwasundertheimpressionthat,biologically,womenwerebettermultitaskers.”
WTF?
“Thisisunacceptable,”Baldevsaid,nowshouting.“IthinkMr.Zhanghasmadeitclearthatthisclosingcannotbedelayed.Howcouldthishaveslippedthroughyourfingers?”
Iwasflustered;ourrelationsoverthepastcoupleofyearshadalwaysbeensupercordialandprofessional.Langford-Bauermusthaveshankedusinthebackwithamachete.“Well,w-whentheduediligencereallygotoffground,theholdcostillhadtwoweeksorsotofiletheaccounts,anditwastheLuxembourglawyers’dutytomakesure—”
“Nofuckingexcuses,”Baldevyelled.“You’retheleadcoordinatingcounsel;whatwereyoudoing?”
Igaped.Langford-Bauerlookedatmeinhissuperciliousway.Ihadthedistinctimpressionthatmaybe,justmaybe,hedidn’tlikeme.
“IfImay,Baldev,thisisreallynotAndrea’sfault,”Sureshcutin.“ItwasclearlysomethingbeyondherortheLuxembourglawyers’control.PlusAndreahasalreadydraftedsomecarve-outlanguageintheSPA,tomitigatetheveryremoteriskofaliquidationbytheLuxembourgauthorities.”
Hishandwasonmineunderthetable,squeezingittight.Iregainedpresenceofmindandrepliedinanauthoritativevoice,“AndI’llfollowuptoensureallthisisfixedbeforetheclosing.”
Baldevwasnotplacated.“Seethatyoudo,andSuresh,watchAndrea,”hesaid.“NowTristan,canyoutellmeagainwhatwouldhappenintheworst-casescenario?”
Zerorespect.He’ddismissedmelikeIwasincompetentoveronemistake,eventhoughIhadbeenSungguhCapital’sday-to-daycontactontheirfilesforthelastfouryearsandtheyknewIhadsacrificedalotonapersonalleveltoservicethem.Buthe’donlyletupwhenSureshvouchedforme.
IwentintoafuguestateforthenextfortyminutesorsoasLangford-BauerledthediscussionwithSuresh,blatantlydirectingallhisquestionsonthetransactiontoSureshwithoutbotheringtoconsultme,whichofcoursegavemeampletimetoimaginethemanyscenariosinwhichLangford-BauerwasshamedandtorturedwiththeefficiencyofaChinesedemonthathadbeenpromotedtothemostimaginativeechelonofChinesehell.SomehowIheldittogetheruntilIgotintothetaxi.Thenitwasallfaucetsgo.
“Hey,”Sureshsaid,grabbingmebytheshoulders,“what’swrong?”
“I’mf-fine,”Isaidthroughhackingsobs.
“You’reliterallyprojectingsnot.”
“Sonowit’sy-yourturntomockme,too?”Isaidangrily.
“Shhhhhh,”hesaid,pullingmeevencloserandrestinghischinonthetopofmyhead.“Incaseyou’veforgotten,I’monyourside.AndareyougoingtoletabunchofMCPsgettoyou,Andrea?Miss‘Top40Under40’?”
“It’sn-notfair,”Iblubbered.“I-I’vebeenworkingwiththeseingratesforoverfouryears,andI’venevermadeamistake.SobasicallyIlostIvanbecauseoftheseassholes?”
Sureshheldmeandmadesoftshushingnoisesthateventuallysoothedmysobsdowntoastreamofhiccups.WhenIwassufficientlycalmandremovedmyselffromthewarmthofhisembrace,IwashorrifiedthatIhadlostitlikethatandhadsoakedtherightshoulderofhisveryexpensivesuit.Notthatheseemedtonotice.HewaslookingatmeinawayIcouldonlydescribeas“horny.”
Ormaybehewasjustlookingatmewithconcern.MaybeIwasjustprojecting.
“WasIvan,ah,yourex?Thefiancéyoumentioned?”
“Hewasmyfiancé,yes,”Isaid,sniffling.
“Youneverdidtellmewhyyoubrokeup.Wasitreallybecauseofwork?”
“Lawyersshouldknowbetterthantoaskleadingquestions.”Icouldn’tbeartotellhimthewholestory.“Anyway,thankyou.Youwerearealfriendinthere.”
Hesmiledandshrugged.“Anytime.Youwouldhavedonethesameforme,right?”hesaidrhetorically.
Ishookmyheadandhecuffedmyshoulder.HethoughtIwasjoking.“Weshouldstickupforeachother,youknow.Asfriends.”
“Arewefriends?”Isaid,alsorhetorically.
“Iwouldhopeso.Youandmeagainsttheworld,twoforeigntalentsinapod,”hesaidsoftly,hisfacegettingcloser.
“You’remybiggestcompetition.Ishouldn’tletmyguarddownwithyou,it’sdangerous,”Iwhispered,leaningin—
“Vousavezarrivé!”thetaxidriverannouncedsuddenly,shatteringthemood.Ilookedupinconfusion.Theentireridehadtakenlessthaneightminutes,literally.Yettherewewere,astone’sthrowawayfromthehotel.Thetaxiturnedtoasideroadandstopped.Rainbeganpeltingthecar.ThedriversaidsomethingrapidinFrenchtoSuresh.Hepointedatroadworkthatwaspreventinghimfromdroppingusatthehotel.“Youhavetowalkthere,sorry,”hesaid.
Welookedateachother,shrugged,paidthefare,andranthelastfiftymeterstoourhotelunderadownpour.Withinsecondsweweredrenched.Wesloppedintothehotellobby,giggling.Ishookoffthedropletsclingingtomyhairtothedisapprovinggazeofthebellboy,thenweheadedtoourrooms.Ourveryconvenientlylocatedrooms.Side-by-side.Nosecuritycamerasonthewall,asfarastheeyecouldsee.
Therewasanawkwardmomentwhenwejuststoodthereinfrontofourdoors,notknowingwhattosay.
“Erm.So,like,thanksforstickingupformeinthemeeting,”Ibabbledtodispelthetensionintheair.
“Anytime.Dinnerinanhour?Sixthirty?”
“I’mwaytoojetlagged,”Ilied.“Pluswork.Gottacatchuponemails.”
“Sure,I’lljustorderroomservicethen,”hesaid,suggestively.Ornot.HeleanedtowardmeandIjumpedbackbeforeIrealizedthathehadonlybeentryingtoair-kissme,Ithink.Butwhywouldhedothat,whenhehadneverair-kissedmebefore?Imumbledahastygoodbye,openedthedoor,andpracticallylungedinbeforeslammingthedoorbehindme.
6:25p.m.Mmm.Tubgood.Showerheadevenbetter.Mighttakeanotherbath.
7:28p.m.OK,reallyneedtostop.Waterisapreciouscommodity.
7:45p.m.OK,amreallystoppingnow.Needtoeatanyway.
8:45p.m.Seemslikedisasterisaverted—theclientisappeased,theywillwaitfortheaccountstobefiled,somecarve-outlanguagewillneedtobeinserted,everyoneisonboardagain.Hurrah!
Wednesday4May
Spentalldayattheshowcase,thenawkwardeveningatthegala.Naturally,IwasseatednexttoSureshandLangford-Bauer.Iworemyartfullycrinkly(soItellmyself)pleatedIsseyMiyakesleevelessblackdress.Sureshworeatuxedo.Heshouldneverbeallowedtowearatuxedo—helookstoogood.Spentmostofthenighttryingtoavoidtalkingtohimbecausemygazekeptstrayingtohislipsanditisveryannoyingbecausepeoplelikethatdon’tneedtoberemindedhowphysicallyattractivetheyare.
Midwaythroughthegalaweduckedoutandhightaileditbacktothehotel,checkedout,andmadeourwaytothenationalairportinthenickoftimetoflytoMunich,afterwhichwe’dbeseatednexttoeachotherforthirteenhours.
Wesoonfoundoutthatourreturnflightwasinpremiumeconomy,whichisabitofarottendeal.Clientsarelikethat:theywantyoufreshandreadytofighttheirbattles,sotheyflyyouinbusinessclassandputyouupinafancyfive-star;butoncethey’vegottenwhattheywantedit’sbacktopolyesterclass.IfonlyIcouldslipsomewormeggsintheirbreakfast…
“AreyouOK?Youlookalittleconstipated,”Sureshsaid.“ShallIbuyussomein-flightdatathatwewillnotuse,becauseI’mconfiscatingyourphonerightnow,andchargeittotheclient?”
“Buzzoff,”Isaidcompanionably.
“Sure,”Sureshsaid.Hesettledbackdowninhistinyseatandcontinuedreading,asmallsmileonhislips.Hissoft,voluptuous,sensuous…
IrakedmynailsacrossmyarmjustasSureshturnedandcaughtmeatit.“Hives,”Isaid,pretendingtoscratchmyarm.“FlaresupwhenI’mtired.”
Hepattedhisrightshoulder.“Whydon’tyounaponme?Youcanevendothatcavewomandroolthingyoudowhenyounapintheoffice.”
Iwastired.Ileanedonhisshoulderandclosedmyeyeslikeanobedientchild.ImmediatelyIregrettedit.Itwasfutiletoattempttosleepwhenhisshouldersmelledlikecinnamon.Andhowthroughthesoft,ticklishfibersofhislinensuitIcouldfeeltheheatofhisskin.
Myheartgaveastrangecalypsospasmandallthoughtsofsleepwerereplacedbyanuntowarddesiretonuzzlehisneckandtheterrifyinglybasicurgetonibblehisearlobe.
Almostasthoughhehadsensedmythoughtshesubtlyshiftedinhisseatsothathecouldanglehisfacetomyconvenientlyupturnedone.Mybreathcaughtinmythroatandthatagonizingtensionbegantobuildinmystomach.Oureyeslocked;IimaginedtheearthtremblingaseveryancestorI’deverhadstartedturningintheirgraves.“Andrea,”hewhispered,hislipsbrushingmine.“I—”
Ijerkedbackfromhisshoulderandsaidinanely,“I’vegottogotothetoilet!”Thehighaltitudewasobviouslymessingwithmybrain.Isplashedsomewateronmyfacetojoltmyselfbacktoreality.ThenIreturnedtomyseatandsatbackdown,pointedlyfacingawayfromSureshandpretendingtosleep.Icouldn’twaitforustolandsothatIcouldgetawayfromhim.
Thursday5May
7:45p.m.Whenwelanded,Ileapedoutofmyseat,grabbedmybagsfromtheoverheadcompartment,andranforimmigrationcontrolbeforeIendedupdoingsomethingIreallyregretted.Iclearedimmigrationandcustomsinrecordtimeandhailedacabforhome,waybeforeSuresh.
ThenIwasinmyapartment.God,Ineededacoldshower,andtheshowerhead.Iturnedonthelightandscreamed.
“Hey,”saidthefigureonthecouch.
Shestoodup,hereyesswollenfromcrying.ItwasLinda,dressedinarippedT-shirtanddenimshorts,hermakeupsmearedalloverherface.Andmyonce-pristinecreamleathercouch.
“L-Linda!”Igasped,staringather.“Whathappened?”Iwassosurprisedthatittookmeafewheartbeatstorememberthatshehadthesparekeystomyapartment.
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit,”shechokedout.“Canwejustgotobed?”
“Sure,”Isaid.IheldherasshesobbedintomyshoulderswhileIsurreptitiouslycheckedherforbruises,allthewhilevowinggrimlythatifMassimoPoonweretosomehowappearinfrontofmerightnow,Iwouldtakehimoutwithabluntknife.Shedidn’thavetosayit,butIknewbeyondtheshadowofadoubtthathewasthecauseofmybestfriend’smisery.27
Butitturnedoutthatitwasn’treallyMassimo’sfault—well,notdirectly.
“Itwashiswife,”Lindasniffled,throughafistfulofpinktoiletpaper(shehadexhaustedmyentiresupplyoffacialtissues,pockettissues,wetwipes,andkitchentowels).
“Explain,”Isaid.
ApparentlyLindaandMassimohadjustcomebackfromCapricornIslesorsomeothersuchexoticlocaletwonightsago,andafterhehaddroppedheroffatherplace,shehadletherselfintoherapartmentwithoutasecondthoughtandalmostrunstraightintothePoonster’scurrentmissus,BereniceChan.AndherGregorClegane-ishbodyguard.Withpreternaturalcalm,BerenicesaidshehadbrokenintoLinda’sapartmentwiththehelpofthebodyguardto“talk.”
“Haven’tyouheardofcallingsomeoneontheirmobile?”Lindaaskedsarcastically.
“I’vealwaysbeenabigbelieverinconnectingface-to-face,”saidBerenice
Linda,furious,toldthemtoleaveorshewasgoingtocallthesecurity.
“Callthesecurity?Onme?Youhavesomenerve,”Bereniceshouted.“I’mtheonewhoshouldbecallingthepoliceonyou.I’manactress!I’mastar!That’smyfuckinghusbandyou’rescrewing!”
“Sowhat?”Lindashoutedback;shewasveryfondofraisinghervoice,Lindawas.“Heseducedmeinthefirstplace.Iwasn’teveninterestedinhimwhenIfirstmethim,youknow.Ithoughthewasjustlikeanyotherrichfuck.Ithoughthewasfat.”Tearssprangunbiddentohereyes.“Andnow,eventhoughIstillfindhimfat,Ilookpastthatbecausewegeteachother,andheswearshe’sgoingtoleaveyouanyway!”
BynowBerenicewaspracticallyhyperventilatinginanger.“Wow!That’soriginal.Andyoubelievedthatasshole?Didyoueverthinkaboutme,aboutmytwochildren?”BerenicegrabbedavaseandflungitatLinda,whoduckedjustintimeasthevaseshatteredbehindheragainstthewall.“Youslut!Youshittyslut!”
“Stopcallingmethat,youalliterativebitch!”Lindashouted,takingoffherheelandthrowingitatBerenice,hittinghersquarelyinthechest.(Lindasworetomethatthescenehadunfoldedexactlyasrecountedabove,butthisbeingLinda,alittlenarrativeembellishmentistobeexpected.)
That’swhenBerenicerantoLinda’skitchencounterandgrabbedoneofherceramicknives.Brandishingit,shethreatenedtokillherselfrightthenandthereifthelatterdidn’tleaveherhusbandalone.
LindadaredBerenicetogothroughwithherthreat;shedidn’tbelievethatBerenicewouldactuallydoit—afterall,thebodyguard,whowasprobablywithBerenicemostofthetimeandwhoprobablyknewherbetterthanherownhusbanddid,simplyblinkedatherthreat.ThenBerenicedrewtheknifeacrossherleftwristbeforeshewastackledbythe
Thestorybeingtold,Lindaslumpedbackonthesofa,depleted.
“AndwhataboutMassimo?Whatdoeshethinkaboutit?”
“Idon’tknow,”shebleated.“Ihaven’theardfromhimsinceCapri.”Shedissolvedintotearsagain.
Iwasfurious.Notonce—notonce!AfterallthatLindahadbeenthrough?Thatmanwasacowardandacunt.Howaboutthatforalliteration.
“Ikeepseeingherslittingherwrist,”Lindasaidraggedly.
“There’snowayyoucouldhaveknownthatitwasn’tanemptythreat,”Icomfortedher.
“Ifshedies,itwillallbemyfault,I-I-I…”Lindabegansobbinganew.Ihuggedherandheldmytongue.
Friday6May
8:20a.m.Somehowwemanagedtocatchsomeshut-eyebeforedawnbroke,andsomehowImanagedtodragmyselfoutofbedwhenmyalarmrangat7:30a.m.Iquicklyshowered,dressed,drewmyfaceon,andgotreadytogo.
“I’mleavingforwork,”Isaid,standingoverLinda’spronefigureonmybed.
Shelookedupatme,herusuallyelegantcurlsmussed,hercheeksblotchyandcross-hatchedwithpillowcreases.“Mustyou?”shebleated.
Ihesitatedthensnappedmyselfoutofit.Istillhadajob,andshewasanadult.Andbeforetheincident,shehadleftmeinradiosilenceforweeks.“IhaveareallyimportantmeetingIcan’tcancel,butI’mgoingtotrytotaketheafternoonoff,soI’llseeyoulater,allright?I’llcallyou.We’llgrabanearlydinnerout.”
“OK,”shesaidhumbly.
Ileftthehouseinacloudofangerandself-righteousness.Eventhoughitwasn’tMassimo’sfaultthatBerenicehadtriedtoendherselfinLinda’shome,Iwasangrythathehadn’ttriedtocontacthertoseehowshewasholdingup.IwassopreoccupiedaboutthesituationthatIalmostforgotaboutSureshuntilIsawthebackofhimathisdesk,hislargeMarshallheadphonesboppingonhisheadashetypedinfitfulbursts.EventhoughSureshwaswearingaparticularlyunflattering,ill-fittingoxfordshirtforcasualFriday,Icouldstillseethemusclesinhisshouldersandhisback.Theywereverylarge,angrymuscles.Perfectforcarryingloverstothebed,orcorpsestothetrunkofwaitingcars.
Iclearedmythroatandgavemyselfamentalshake.Getaholdofyourself,Itoldmyselfsternly.Sureshwasjustafriend.Whathadhappenedonthetripandinthatcarwasjustaone-off.Afterall,hehadn’tbeenwithhisfiancéein,what,fivemonths?Lackofintimacycandostrangethingstoaperson.Ishouldknow.
“Doyoualwaysstareintomiddledistancelikethatwhenyou’remicrosleeping,orhasyourbrainmalfunctioned?”saidalizardlyvoice.IblinkedandfocusedonthenewlyBotoxedfaceofGenevieve,who,Ithink,wassmirkingatme.
“CanyoupracticeyourMedusastareonsomeoneelse?”Imuttered,myfaceburning.Notthebestcomeback,butIwassufferingfromlackofsleep.
SureshmusthavesensedthedisturbanceintheForce;heturnedaroundandremovedhisheadphones.“What’sup,Genevieve?”heasked,politelyicy.Sincetheangpaomatrixincident,Sureshsharedmydistasteforher.
“MongandYasminewanttohearaboutyourLuxembourgtrip,”Genevievesaid.“Apparentlytherewassome,ah,less-than-pleasantvibesbetweenyouandLangford-Bauer.Andtheclosingmightbe…delayed?”Thewayshesaid“delayed”you’dthinkthey’djustannouncedtheyweregivingupbordercontrolinSingapore.
“Amisunderstanding,that’sall,”Sureshsaidsmoothly.“Butwe’rehandlingitandtheclosingwillbejustfine.”
“I’lltellthepartners,”Genevievesaidsilkily.Shegavehimalingeringsexystarebeforeslinkingoutinherlong-sleeved,supertightwhitebandagematernitydress,whichsomehowlookedobscenelygoodonhertonedbody.Urgh.
“Shelookslikeamummy—getit?Mummy?”Sureshsaid,mimickingonewithhisarmsoutstretchedandshufflingforward.IgiggledbeforeIcametomysenseswithajerk.Tolaughwiththeenemy!Onalousypun!
Sureshshutthedoorandfacedme.“So,youdidanicerunnertheothernight.”
“Ididn’t,”Isqueaked.
Hesteppedclosertomeandallrationalthoughtceased.“Weneedtotalk.”
Isteppedawayfromhim,satbehindthesecurityofmydesk,turnedtowardmyscreen,andpretendedtoscrollthroughemails.“What’stheretotalkabout?”Isaid,avoidinghisgaze.
Nodice.Hecameovertoblockthescreenwithafileanddiscovereditwasblank.Oureyesmet,mineguilty,hisintense.“Look,aboutwhathappened,onthe,urm”—wasitmyimaginationorwasheblushing?—“plane…”
“What?Nothinghappened.”Iforcedmyselftolookhimintheeye.“Nothing.”
Imightaswellhavethrownabucketoficewateronthesmolderingembersinhisgolden-browneyes.“Oh,isthatso?”hesaid.ItfeltasifthetemperatureintheroomhaddroppedseveraldegreesCelsius.“Iguessthere’snothingtotalkabout,then.”
Weretreatedtoourseparatesides.Mythoughtswereinatumult.Iwantedtohurdleoverthetableandjumpintohislap.Atthebackofmyhead,however,wastheinsistentreminderthatSureshwasengaged.AndfromwhatIknewaboutAnousha,sheseemedlikethekindofwomanwhowouldpracticeherownversionofsatiandthrowarivalontoaburningfuneralpyre.
11:55a.m.Wasreadingnews(fine,tabloids)whenIcameacrossafeatureofHelenandMagnus’sengagementpartyinTatler.Thebitchhadnotinvitedme!28
Saturday14May
Aknockonthedoor.WaitedforLindatoopenitsinceshehascolonizedthelivingroom,eventhoughthereisaperfectlyfunctionalsecondbedroomwithaproperdoublebed.Maybesheisnowallergictothesightofdoublebeds.
WaitedforafulltwominutesbeforeIrealizedthatLindawasnotbudging.WalkedoutandsawthatLindawassleeping,nakedasadaisy,onthecouchsurroundedbyanemptybottleofvodka,abottleofChinonred,halfabottleofPatrón,asmallbottleofEvian,andseveralbottlesofTigerbeer.Maybeshewasn’tevensleeping;maybeshewasdead
Iopenedthedoor.ItwasEricDeng,standinginthehallwayinapalelemonpoloshirtandkhakis.
“Areyougoingtogawkatmeorinvitemein?”hesaid,afterafewsecondsofstunnedsilencehadpassedfrommyend.
Icollectedmydignity(Iwasinagod-awfulRamonesT-shirtandapairofgrayingcottonshorts)andsaid,“MyfriendLinda’snakedinmylivingroom.Youcan’tenter.”
“Well,getdressed.I’mtakingyououttochampagnebrunch.”
Ipretendedtohesitate;hehadmeat“champagne.”
“I’llwaitinthecar,”hesaid,asmallsmilecurvinghislips.“Takeyourtime.”
WearrivedattheSt.Registwenty-fiveminuteslater(Ihadtakentenminutestocompletemytoiletries,applymakeup,andthrowonarespectablefloweredsundress).ItwasonlywhileIwasinhiscarthatIrealizedthatmyprettypeep-toesandalswereexposing,inalltheirglory,theremnantsofamonth-oldpedicure.Itriedtoanglemyfeetawayfromhissightline,butIwassurehehadseenthem:EricDengwasnotamanwhomissedsuchdetails.I’dfeltlikeafraudinhisgleaming,immaculatecar,eventhoughhehimselfwasdelightfully,gentlyrumpled,inhairandclothing.
“Igotyouagift,”hesaidafterwe’dordered.Hepressedasmall,brownpaper–wrappedparcelinmyhands.Heraisedhiseyebrow.“I’mnotsureit’sasgoodasflowers,butIthinkit’lllastlonger.”
“Oh!”Isaid,mymannersforgotten.Ifeltaboltofexcitementinmystomach.“What’s…what’sitfor?”
“Forbeingsuchalovelycompanion,”hesaid.“Companion.”Whatanoddchoiceofwords.Wecouldhavebeenknittingbuddies.
“Openit,”heurged.Itorethroughthewrappinglikeakid,thinkingitwasaMoleskineorsomethingpractical.
“Oh!”IsaidinatinyvoicewhenIsawthecover.ThenIopenedit,trembling.Itwasafirstedition,signedhardcoverofItCatchesMyHeartinItsHands,myfavoritebookofCharlesBukowski’spoems.ApoetIhadoncementionedinpassing,overtwomonthsago,attheSexlessBookClub.He’dremembered.
Theinscriptioninhiselegantcursiveread:
Andrea,
Here’stothebeginningofnew,poeticexchanges.
Eric
“Eric,thisistoomuch,”Imurmured,embarrassed,pushingitacrossthetabletohim.“Ican’tacceptthis.”
“Youmust.It’sgotyournameonit.”Hepushedthebookback.“Ican’treturnthis,youknow.”
DuringthechampagnebrunchheregaledmewithstoriesofhisrecentbusinesstripthroughoutMongoliaandChina,meetingwithpotentialcodevelopersforhispassionproject,theDulitGroup’sLanabrandofluxuryeco-hotels.Hispassionfortheproject,andhisfascinatinganecdotesonhistravelsandhisbusiness,madethehourspassquickly.Bythetimewe’dfinishedaroundthreeo’clock,hehadtogoforacoffeewithacolleagueandIwasreluctanttoleavehisside.Hewasjustsoeasyandnicetobewith.Ihadthesensethatwhenitcametohim,IwasstrugglingupstreamwhenIcouldbecruisingwiththecurrenttohim,theinevitableconclusiontothetaleofthewomanIwantedtobe,ifIwouldjustlethimbethattome.
And—Icastasidelongglancetohim,myheartbeatingfasterwhenIcaughthimlookingatmeinhisfrank,admiringway—whynot?Theattractionwasthere.
Hewalkedmetomydoorlikeagentleman,waitedtoseeifIcouldfindmykeys,openedthedoorformeafterseveralfumblesatthedoorknob,andoncethedoorwasajar,bidmegoodbyewithasoftpeckonmyrightcheek.
“Wait,”Islurred,grabbinghissleeveandpullinghimclose,evenasIwasunsureofwhatIwantedtoachieveasIdidso.Butheputhisfreehandonmyshoulderandheldmeatarm’slength.
“You’redrunk,”hesaid.
“I’msober,”Isaid,tryingagain.
“Don’tmakethis…it’s…”HesworeinbahasaIndonesia.“Look,I’vegottogo.I’llseeyousoon,”hesaid.Thenheturnedonhisheelandleft.Iwatchedhimgo,letmyselfin,lockedthedoorbeforeIstumbledintothelivingroom,humiliatedanddefinitelylesssoberthanIhadinitiallythoughtmyselftobe.
“Lookwhatthecatdraggedin,”Lindasaidsnidely,intheexactsamespotonthecouch.Shehadbarelybudged,exceptherentourageofbottlesnowincludedthreenewemptiesofwhitewineandtwobagsofKettlechips.
Iwalkedover,droppedmytotebag(andthebook,secureinitswrappingagain)onthefloor,sankintoabeanbag,andslept.29
Sunday15May
Iwenttotheofficetoday,thinkingIcouldworkthroughtheswirlofconfusionthatseemstobemythoughtsthesedays(andalsotoescapeLaLinda,truthbetold).ThebookofpoemsIhadstashedinthedrawerofmynightstand,untouched.IfeltlikeifIopenedit,therewouldbenoturningback.
Iwaslookingforwardtobillingsomelong,hardhourswhileorderinginbrunch.IntheabsenceofasuitablecompanionwithwhomIcouldhavesaidbrunch,thetwistedadrenalineIgetfrommilkingsomefacelesscorporationdry,fees-wise,wouldhavetodo.
TheofficewasapictureofSundayindustry:smartcasualthreads,Nespressocoffee,andtheacridbasenotesofyesterday’shangovermixedwithambition.Asusual,severalgung-hojuniors,a.k.a.minions,includingSuresh’sandmine(JosiahandXiLin),weremillingabout,puttinginfacetimeandbillablehoursthatwewouldhavetoslashlater,
UntilIenteredmyofficeandsawSuresh.
Thethingis,it’sbeenweirdbetweenSureshandmesinceLuxembourg.Wewouldoscillatebetweenlaughingchummilyoversomesharedjokeandstone-facingeachotherforextendedperiodsoftimeinaday;weavoidedbeingaloneinoursharedofficeforlong(Ievenstartedsmokingagainjusttohaveanexcusetoduckoutoftheoffice).EvenKaicommentedonitwhenshecorneredmeprivatelyinthewashroom.“There’saweirdtensionintheair.What’swrong?”Itoldheritwasbecausewewerebothfightingforthesamepromotion,butmyprivateimpressionwasitwasbecausewecouldn’tdecideifwewantedtostringeachother’sintestineslikefairylightsoverthewallsorsmushourgenitalstogether.
Now,happeninguponhimworkinginaslim-fitchambrayshirtanddarkjeans,Iknewitwasdefinitelythelatter,onmypartatleast.Iwantedtolockustogetherinsomeisolatedpaddedcell,throwawaythekeys,andsmushgenitalsalldaylong.Mystupidtreacherouslibido.
Itookmyseataftergruntingahelloathim,carefulnottolookathischiseledface.
“Heythere,”hesaidinaneutraltone.“Didn’tknowyou’dbecomingintoday.”
“Isthereaproblem?It’smyoffice,too,”Isaidtestily.Itwasmyofficefirst,Icorrectedmyselfmentally.
“Noproblem,”hesaid.“JustthoughtI’dbealonetoday.Getsomerealworkdone.”
“Doesmypresencebotheryou?”Icountered.
“That’snotwhatImeant,Ijustmeant—well,you’vebeenbusy.”
“Yeah,I’vebeenbusywithsomeone,”Isaid.
“Really,”hesaidevenly.“Withwho?”
“RememberEricDeng?Big-shottycoon?Yeah,we’vebeenseeingeachother.”
Welapsedintoloud,passive-aggressivetypingforthenextfewminutes.Itwaslikebeinginafiringrange.Myfingersandwristsbegantohurt.
“Hey,”hetriedagain.
“What?”Isaid,stilltypingloudly.
“Thisisveryjuvenile,”hesaid.
“Whatis?”Iasked,typinglouder.
Hegotupandcameovertomysideofthetable.“Willyoujuststoptypingforonesecondandhavearealconversationwithme?Lookatme.”
IstoppedtypingandlookedathisAdam’sapple,theleastsexypartofhisanatomy.Aren’tAdam’sapplesjusttheweirdest?Findoneandreallystudyit,justtakeitin.Reallyeyeballit.Whatdoesitremindyouof?
Hereachedoutahandandpushedthehairoutofmyface.“Whycan’tyoulookmeintheeye?”
Iforcedmyselftodoso,eventhoughIwastrembling.“Youknowwhy.BecauseI’mtryingtokeepthisrelationshipaplatoniconeforbothoursakesandyou’rebeingreallyunfair.”
“Howso?”Hewasbentovermenowandexercisingsomekindofcobrastareonme.
“You’rebeingdeliberatelyprovocativewhenyoushouldn’tbe.”
Hestrokedmyface.“Likethis?”
“Don’ttouchme,”Iwhispered,myarmssnakingaroundhiswaist.Heliftedmeoutofmyseatand—
Aloudrappingonthedoorjoltedbothofusapart.HefledtohissideoftheroomjustasthedoorflewopentorevealKai,whowasredwithexcitement.
“Oh,great,you’rehere,Suresh!”Kaisaid,saunteringintotheroomwearingahobo’ssingletandwhatlookedliketheshreddedremainsofaleper’sjeans.Shecalledoutoverhershoulder,“Comeonin.Yourhunchwasright!”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”wechorusedatthesametimeinhigh,guiltyvoices.Iwassubtlyhyperventilating.
“Someonespecialropedmeinforasweetsurprise.Youaregoingtobesothrilled,”Kaisaid.
ThatwaswhenIsawthatshehadsomeonewithher;awomanwasstandingbehindKai,herfacepartiallyobscured.
“Voilà,loverboy!”Kaisaid,steppingasidewithaflourish.Myjawdropped:therewasnoneedforintroductions—Iknewwhoshewas.I’dseenphotosofheronSuresh’sphone.Buttherewassomethingelseaboutherfacethatwasfamiliar.Whatwasit?
SheglidedintotheroominapowderbluesarithatwasembroideredwithsilverthreadandthetearsoflittleIndianboys.Oureyesmetbriefly,herkohl-rimmedlightbrownonesnarrowingassheassessedme.Icouldtellshethoughtofmeasathreat.Kai,evertheperceptiveone,sensedthecracklingtensionintheairanddecideditwastimetoleave.Thenitwasjustthethreeofus
IsneakedapeekatSuresh,whowasstaringatherwithhismouthajar,anunderstandablereactionconsideringhe’dnotseenherinages.
“Darling,Imissedyou,”shesaidtohiminathroaty,intimatevoice,asthoughIwasjustacoatrackwitheyesandtheywerealoneintheroom.Shetiltedforwardtokisshimevenasheslidapanickedglanceinmydirection;butwhatcouldIdo?Anoushawasnowintown.PartIIISALTYWITHAGE30
Monday16May
Calledtheofficeandtookaweekoff.Kaiwasworried,butIassuredheronceagainIwasnotclosetodeath’sdoorbuthadtodealwith“anurgentfamilymatter.”
Mongwasnotsounderstandinginhisemail.“Whatfamily?ThewholereasonIhiredyouwasbecauseyouhavenofamilyinSingapore!Andyousaidyouweresingle!”IhadtotellhimIhadcontractedviralfeverandwasclosetodeath’sdoor,uponwhichhestoppedemailing.
Anyway,amonmywaytotheairportnowwithadisheveledLindainalimocab.We’reflyingtotheMaldivesintwoandahalfhours!Linda’sdad’sfriend’sbusinesspartnerownsaswankysix-starresortthere,andsinceit’sthestartofthemonsoonseasonhe’sbeenprettygenerousingivingusfreeaccommodationinoneofhistwo-beddervillas:theonlythingwe’llhavetopayforisanyF&B(codefor“alcohol”)consumedthroughoutourstay.Smartmove,Linda’sdad’sfriend’sbusinesspartner.Smartmove.
Lindawas,understandably,quitefuriousthatshehadbeenkeptinthedarkaboutLuxembourgandthewholelead-uptoyesterday’sshenanigansuntiltoday.SherevivedfromherfuguestateofMassimo-lessdepressiontogivemeanearfulwhenIconfessedwhyIneededtogetawayfromSingapore;eventhoughshelikedSuresh,whoshe’dmetseveraltimesatvariouslawyerlyevents,shewasworriedabouthisbaggage(Iknow,Iknow,thiscomingfromtheladywhohadbeendatingamarriedman).
“Notonlywereyoupoopingwhereyoueat,youhadtogofortheprettytoiletmagazine,didn’tyou?”shesaid,pullinganothernonsensicalmetaphoroutofthinair.“Ialwayssaidtoyou,Andrea,stayawayfromtheprettyboys,they’repoison,butdidyou?DidyoulistentoLaLinda?”
“Yousaidstayawayfromtheboytoys,notprettyboys.”
“Stayawayfromthekiddosandthepretties.Prettyboysaretobeavoidedliketheplague.Theyaresoprized,theirsenseofentitlementisbeyondthatofprettygirls.They’veneverhadtoworkhardinbed,ever.Iwon’tbesurprisedifSureshturnsouttobeabadkisserandastinkerinbed—theboylookslikethatK-popstaryou’realwaysmooningover—what’shisname,WonWon?BonBin?BingBong?”
“Won…Bin…,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.“He’sanactor.”
“Actor,popstar,whatever,Isay‘same-sameinKorea,’”saidLindadismissively.
“Thosearetwoseparateprofessions—two!AndhowcanyouevenconfuseWonBinwithBingBong?BingBongisacharacterfromInsideOut,abeautifulanimatedfilmthatwe’vewatchedtogether,twice!”Ihissed.“DidyouevenbotherreadingtheHenryChongbriefImadeforyouinpreparationforChineseNewYear?”
“Whyarewearguingaboutancienthistory?Especiallysinceyou’veonlygotyourselftoblameforbeingsuchacrapliarthatnoonebotheredtoaskforaphotoofHenry,”wasmybestfriend’scavalierreplybeforeshepulledoutahipflaskthatsmelledsuspiciouslyofrum.
ToolatetobackoutofMaldivestripnow.I’llhavetochargeallbardrinkstohercreditcard.
5:10p.m.Maldivesisamazing—clearskies,cotton-candypuffsofclouds,lushvegetation.Weflewinaseaplanetoarriveatthesuperexclusiveeco-resort.Theresortisinsane,woodenvillasonstiltsperchedovercrazyaquamarinewaterandundeadcoralbedseverywhere.Andsinceit’ssuperlowseason,themanagementisofferingusavillaeach!Thistripisgoingtobeoffthecharts.Ifeelsorryforallthesuckersmissingoutonthelow-seasonrate.
Linda,mypet,haspulledoutherAmExCenturionandpassedittothehotel,quibblingnot.We’regoingtobedrinkingtillweturnasblueasthewater.
6:05p.m.Urgh.It’sstartedtodrizzle.
6:08p.m.Shit,the4Gisdown.Nointernet!
6:20p.m.Totaldownpour.
6:25p.m.Wi-Fidead!
6:33p.m.Stilldead!
6:58p.m.STILLDEAD!
7:15p.m.Decidedtogohangoutatthebar,sincetherewasnothingelsetodointhevilla.Thoughtofdashingthroughthedrizzlebutfoundthatrainhadturnedintoastormwithmadbuffetingwinds.Calledthebutler.Hecamewithahugeumbrella,whichwasuselessastherainwasfallingdiagonally(?).MylongpeasantskirtwasdrenchedbythetimeIarrivedatthemainrestaurant,whereLindawaswaiting,somehowdryandunscathed.
9:00p.m.Excellentnosh,wine.Whocaresifrain?WhocaresaboutAnoushaandSuresh?Morewine!
10:45p.m.Invilla.DiscoveredthatIcouldget4GifIstoodverystilltwofeetbytheopenwindowinmybathroom,ontopofthetoiletlid,whichissurprisinglysolid.Byturningworkphone,whichhadsporadic4Gconnection,intoahotspot,Iwasabletousemypersonalphone.LaunchedSponkjustforshitsandgigglesandwasamusedtoseethebarmanageronit.Whowashehopingtomatchwith,theguests?There’slikethirty-fiveofus,max;lowseasonitbeing.Hmm.Ohwell,heisratherattractive.Maybe—
10:47p.m.Lindawalkedintothevilla,foundmeinthewashroomandconfiscatedmyphones.Allthreeofthem.SaysshewillonlyreturntheofficephonetomeonWednesday—ifI’mgood.
11:05p.m.Thereisnotwenty-four-hourcomputerroom.Whatkindofsix-starresortisthis?!Andapparently,accordingtothereceptionist,becausewewere“inthemiddleofnowhere,”theWi-FiwillnotbefixedtillFriday.Friday.
Tuesday17May
Hasnotstoppedraining,andIhavenotstoppeddrinkingwithLinda,sincethismorning;absenceofphones(thus,work)iscausinganxietythatcanonlybesoothedbycopiousamountsofwine.
HitonthebarmanagerIRLduringtheTuesdayTequilaSunsetHourandwasrejectedlikeanexpiredcreditcard.Nowondernoonetriesinreallifeanymore.Don’tevenknowwhatIwastryingtoachieve.It’salmostasthoughI’mself-sabotaging.
Wednesday18May
Rainingagain,surprise,surprise.
NoofficephonefromLinda.It’sfine.LetSureshhandleallmyworkcrap.
Didnothingbuteatanddrink.Rereadsomebody’scopyofKaneandAbel.Idon’tknowwhatitis,butI’vebeentoresortsallaroundtheworldandthereisalways,alwaysanovelbyJeffreyArcher,JudithMcNaught,and/orMichaelCrichtonineach“communitylibrary.”Iwonderwhatbookswillbeinadoomsdaybunker.
MojitoMagicHouratthehotel’spoolbar.SnaggedmyselfaspotatinfinitypoolbarandwaitedforLindatoarrive,butsheneverdid.Drankalone.Lindaandthebarmanageremergefromherroom,bothlookingdistinctlyworseforwear.
WhenLindasawmeherfaceblanchedandshecriedoutafterhisretreatingback,“Shafiq,remembertounclogthetub,too.It’svery,ah,clogged.Thankyouforyourgoodworkontheair-conditioning.”
DearDiary,hisnamewasn’tevenShafiq—itwasAbdul.ForLindatovoluntarilyscrewthehelp,theremusthavebeenaparadigmshiftinhowsheapproacheddating;usuallysheonlygoesforthosewithpowerand/orstatus.MaybethiswholePootsincidenthascausedhertoreevaluateherbeliefs.
Thursday19May
PhonelessinMaldives
NetSematary
(No)Avatar
GoodLord,whatdidpeopledobeforetheinternet?
Friday20May
8:15p.m.Sunouttodaysodecidedtogoswimmingintheseaforthefirsttimesincelanding.ItwasfununtilsomethingstungmeandInearlyexplodedinpain.Hadtogettreatedbythenurse,whotoldmethatitlookedlikea“commonjellyfishsting”andIdidnotneedtobeemergencyevacuatedasIwas,sheinsisted,“notgoingtodie”andthatshewassuredespite“onlybeingaresortnurse.”Sheshuntedmeofftotherecoveryroom,whichwasbasicallyaroomwithamassagetableandasmallmedicalcabinet,hardlyreassuringatall.
Hadtimetoreflect,sober,intherecoveryroom.MaybeI’mtrulyself-sabotaging,sinceamallowingmyselftobeseducedbyunavailableSureshratherthanwholeheartedlygivingEricDengashot.It’stimetogrowupandstopbeinglikeLindainthisrespect.Shewasnotagoodrolemodelintheromancedepartment.
Saturday21May
Rainedallday.MyplantoaccessinternetthroughPCin“readingroom”wasfoiledasapparently“thetorrentialrainandthunderstormpreventedthetechnicianfromflying.”WishedIwasbackhomeinSingapore,whereIhavephonesandacomputerandNetflix.Natureiscool,butthere’sonlysomuchonecantakeofit,sansfilter.
Then,miraculously,andrathercruelly,therainstoppedanhourbeforesunset
Sinceitwasourlastnightanywayandwemustdrink,wewenttooneofthepoolbarstowatchthesunset.LindapoppedabottleofvintageKrugchampagne.“Itwasagoodvacation,wasn’tit?”shesaid,afterdrinkingstraightfromthebottle.“Nophones,nomen.”
Ichuggedthechampagnebeforepassingitbacktoher.IwatchedthesunmeltintotheoceanlikesomethingoutofCandyCrush.“It’ssogoodtobeoff-grid,”Isaid,lying.
“Great,thenI’llpassyouthephonestomorrow.”
“Yeah,whatever.”Icouldtakeanothertwenty-fourhours,noproblem.
Lindasmiledintothemiddledistance;IrecognizedherimpressionofScarlettO’HarainGonewiththeWind.“Youknowwhat?IthinkI’mgoingtobefine,”shesaid.“Thanksforhostingmeatyourplaceforsolong.I’llbeoutofyourhairbythefirstweekofJune.”
Hallelujah!
Sunday22May
9:30a.m.Skyisanuntroubledblue.Notacloudformilesaround.WTF.
8:45p.m.Landed.Allthreephonesrestoredtomypossession.It’sgoodtobehome.
9:35p.m.Notgoodtobehome.MountingpanicscrollingthroughominouslytitledemailchainsdatedfromFriday.Apparentlythecoinvestor,ChapelTown,isnowpullingoutofthedeal,andalthoughthereasonsanddetailsarenotclear,itisverybad,sincethatwouldleaveSungguhCapitalwavingtheirdickinthewind.Andprivateequityfirmsgenerallydon’ttoleratebeingmadetolookfoolish.Someonewasgoingtopay.Justhopeit’snotme.
Monday23May
8:15a.m.Backintheoffice.SawSuresh.Promptlyduckedoutofoffice.Wenttothelibrarywithmylaptoptowork,pretendingtobeverybusywithastackofrandomstatutesonmytable.Wasactuallydoodlingonmylegalpadandbeingtotallyunproductive,asIwasnotevensuretherewasanyactivefileunderwhichIcouldbillthistimethusspentas“research.”
Howthemightyhadfallen.
Sureshsentmeabunchoftextsandemailstryingtogetmetodiscusswhathecalls“VizWare-geddon.”Iclosedthemwithoutbotheringtoreadpastthefirstline,justincaseitwasanexcusetogetmetotalkaboutus.TheideaofbeinginthesameroomorfilewithSureshmademewanttorunbacktoMaldivesandspendthemonsoonwithoutWi-FibutIjustdidn’twantto.Maybe,aftermyfirstweekoffinfiveyears,Ijustneededtimetogetbackintotheswingofthingsandtocareaboutmyworkagain.Youknow,thewaymostpeoplefeelonMondays—timesathousand,Isuppose.
It’sjust…theideaofworkingsohardforclientslikeVizWare,forguyswho’dripintomelikeIwasbeneaththem,justmademe,well,lessthanenthused.
ItriedtopsychmyselfupaboutputtinginthehoursbythinkingaboutthefinancialfreedomIwouldhaveonceIwastopofthepyramidofrats.Ithelped,somewhat.IneededtoregainmyWinnerMentality.
ThenIwenttoMongtotalkabouttheVizWareacquisition,preparingtoshoulderthefaultofthestalledtransactionwiththeequanimityofaeunuchconfrontedwiththethreatofakicktothegroin.
Monglookedupatmeandsaid,“Wedon’tknowwhyChapelTownpulledout.It’sprobablynotevenyourfault.Andifthisisthewayyou’regoingtoactaftertakingaweekoff,youmightaswellresignrightnow.Ididn’traiseyoutobeaquitter.”
Iwasemotional.“SimMong,thankyouforbelievinginme.”
“Sure.”Hepausedforasecondbeforesaying,eyesnotquitemeetingmine,“Alsoyoushouldknowthatyou’renolongertheleadseniorassociateonthefileastheotherpartnershaverequestedachange.”
“What?But…butamIstillonthefile?”
“Ah,that.Well,actually,you’reoffthefilecompletely.I’mreallysorry,butdon’tworry,you’redoingreallywellotherwise.”
“ButSungguhCapitalisoneofmybiggestandoldestfiles.”
“There’llbeothers.”
IheldittogetherasbestasIcouldasIexitedhisoffice.ThenIlungedintotheIntegrityconferenceroomandletoutascreamofanger.
7:25p.m.FoundoutviatextfromKaithatMongisnolongerthepartneronthefile(itwasnowYasmineSidek’sfile;YasminewasGenevieve’ssupervisingpartnerandthelatter’sPA,Jill,hadblabbedtoKai),buttheclienthadrequestedthatSureshstayonastheleadsincehehadperformedwellinLuxembourg.WasthatwhySureshwantedtotalk?Hadhiswholenice-guyactinLuxembourgbeenjustthat—anact?
Ithadtobe.Iwasafooltotrusthim
Stormedbacktotheofficetoconfronthim.Buthehadalreadygonehome,notevenbotheringtoOfficeFace-TimeBattle.Coward.
11:20p.m.NewstripfromTLTS:sinceWaterandRheancan’tbetogether,physically,they’vedecidedtodotheonethingtheycando,anddowell,together—theykill.
Hmph.NoparallelswithSuresh’sandmyreal-lifesituation,ofcourse.
Iwhippedoutmyphone.
Youthief,IwrotetoSuresh,butdidnotsend.BecauseIhadn’tjustbeenreferringtowork.Sendinghimsuchatextwouldhavebeenastupid,heart-baringmove,lackinginstrategy—inshort:notaPowerMove.NomatterwhatIfelt,orwhathehaddone,Sureshwasstillmycolleague.Ihadtopretendtorespecthim.31
Thursday26May
8:05a.m.GotanemailfromSureshthathehadacceptedathree-monthsecondmentinJakarta.Thisdoesn’tseemlikethekindofthingonewoulddowhenone’sfiancéemakesalong-awaitedmovetoSingapore,butwhatthehelldoIknow.
Also:hetoldmethathe’dbeen“offered”andhehad“immediatelyrejected”theoffertobeleadseniorassociateonSungguh,whichwouldnowbeoverseenbyGenevieve.Thatmeansnothing—maybehethinksit’samatteroftimebeforeSungguhditchesourfirmforgood.Ican’tbelieveItrustedhim.
HisbetrayalistheonlyreasonI’mupsetwithhim,ofcourse.Nootherreason.
4:50p.m.Ohshit.JustsawMassimoPoonandBereniceChanfeaturedonlocalnewsfortheir“lavish,retro-inspiredvowrenewalceremonyinBali.”Shit.
9:10p.m.Houseissuspiciouslyquiet.ThoughtLindawasnothomeuntilIfoundherlying,passed-outdrunk,behindthecouch.Hadtopropherupwithsomepillowsandcoverherwithablanket,becauseshewas,onceagain,buttnakedinmylivingroom.ButI’lldealwiththatanotherday.
Friday27May
1:25p.m.It’sreallynotbeenmyweek.
JustreceivednewsthattheVizWaredealisdefinitelyoff.ApparentlythefounderofChapelTownjustpassedawayfromnaturalcauses,whichinhiscasewasoldage(hewasclosetoninety).Thegeneralcounselofthefirmwrotetoustosaythatnothingwillmoveuntilthesonhascomeonboardandhashadachancetodecideonthependinginvestments,butthatwouldhavetowaittilltheyhadsortedoutotherestatematters.
Well.There’snothingmuchyoucansaytothat.Itwastoolateformeanyway,becausethefounder’sdeathhadn’tabsolvedmypartinthewholeLuxembourgkerfufflethathaddelayedthesigninginthefirstplace.AndnowSungguhCapitalwaspissedatmeandthefirm.
Thingswerenotlookinggoodformycaseforpartnership.
IaskedMongwhatIcoulddotomakeupforpotentiallyjeopardizingtheSungguhCapitalrelationship,sinceIwasalreadybillinglikecrazy.
Hethoughtaboutit.“BringmeahugenewclientthescaleofSungguhCapitalorgettheVizWareclosingbackontrack.”
Well,that’sit,I’mdoomed.
2:25p.m.Gottiredofplayingoutworst-casescenariosinmyheadandcalledErictoaskhimout;hesaidyes.We’regoingtowatchacommunity(!)musicaltonight.
10:25p.m.Mydejectionmusthaveshownonmyface,becauseEricaskedmewhattheproblemwas.ToldhimallabouttheLuxemburgfiascowithoutgoingintodetailsaboutthepartiesinvolved,andtoldhimaboutMong’schallengetome.
Helistenedattentivelyandthensaid,jokinglyIsuppose,althoughhehardlyeverjokes,“IguessthatmeansI’llreallyhavetogiveyousomebusiness.”
Ilaughed.“Well,Idon’tknowifthat’sappropriate.Itsmacksofnepotism.”
Helookedbemused.“Whywouldn’titbe?We’renotdating.”
“We’re—not?”Isaid,takenaback.
“No,”hesaid,asmilecreasinghisface.“Notyet.So,Idon’tseeanyconflictofinterestthatpreventsyoufrombeingmylawyerifIdopassyourfirmsomework,doyou?”
“Nooo,”Iconceded.AlthoughIhavetosay,dearDiary,thatIwasdisappointedtolearnthatwehadreallybeenattendingthatatrociousplayasplatoniccompanions.Becausewecouldhavejusthadabusinesslunch.
Also—Iwasstartingtolikehim.Inanot-strictly-businesskindofway.
Urgh.Justmyluckalloveragain.32
Wednesday1June
11:28p.m.Mongcalledmethismorningwithanexcitedvoice.TurnsoutErichadindeedgivenafiletomydepartment,withthestrictinstructionsthatIwouldbetheleadseniorassociateonit.
IwasflushedwithpleasureattheloudstreamofheartycongratulationsfromMong.TheonlythingthatdetractedfrommypleasurewasthestrangefeelingofguiltandshameIfelt.Butsurelythiswasnotnepotism—hesaidithimself:wewerejustcasualfriends!
Speakingofwhich,we’regoingoutagaintonight,foradining-in-the-darkexperience.Asfriends,ofcourse.
Thursday2June
WentwithErictoKarmatowatchstand-upcomedy,oftheopen-mic,anyone-can-do-itvariety.I’vealwaysenjoyedthethrillofunearthingnewtalentatopen-mics.
Nottonight,though.HeardsomanybadjokesaboutpornandmasturbationthatattheendoftheeveningIcouldn’tlookEricintheeyeforsuggestingthatasafunnightout.
Friday3June
Tonightwe’rewatchinganarthousefilm,German,ColdWar,subtitlesonly.Thepotentialforamorousoverturesatafilmsuchasthisisjust—endless.
Attheratewearegoing,I’mbeginningtothinkhe’sfriend-zoningme.
Saturday4June
11:25a.m.Inafoulmood.JustwokeupandfoundLindadoingsomethingcompletelyinappropriateonmylivingroomcouch.WhenwecamebackfromMaldives,she’dpromisedthatshewouldmoveout;she’sstillparkedinmylivingroom,mopingandbingeingrom-comswhenshe’snotatwork.AllbecauseofMassimoEgghead.Mybeautifulleathercouchisnolongercream-coloredbutgray,andthereisapermanentsmellofvodkaintheair.Imaynevergetridofher.
Ineedtogetridofher.
2:10p.m.Backfromsololunch.CouldhavehadlunchwithEric,whoaskedyesterday,butdecidednotto.I’mveryconfused:ishereallytryingtobemyfriend?Canstraightwomenandmen,whereatleastoneofthemfindstheotherattractive,everjustbefriendswithoutitgettingcomplicated?
Incontrast,ValerieandRalphKangwereregularlysmushingugliesinallmannerofdwellingsandnon-dwellingsaroundthecity-state.Mr.Kang,itwouldseem,delightedinhavingoutdoorsex,especiallyinseedybackalleyswherethepossibilityofcontractingdenguealongwithjailtimeforpublicindecencyandinternetinfamygothimhotandbothered.
“Youngermenarejustso…vigorous,”Valeriegushed,whileIbarfedalittleintomymouth.Notwantingthesexgravytraintostop,shewasevencontemplatinggettingbuttimplantsathissuggestion.Itoldheritwasabadideaandsentherloadsof“surgerygonewrong”listicles,butshewastoofargone,evenifshedidn’tcaretoadmitit.Whatwasabuttimplantinthegrandschemeofthingsifyou’realreadymostlyflammable?
“I’vegotsomereferralsforagoodplasticsurgeoninBangkok,”shetoldme.(Really?Ithought.Whathappenedtoyourcurrentsurgeon(s)?)
“Whyhaveelectiveplasticsurgeryifyou’ve,er,neverhadanybefore?”
“RalphmightbemylastchanceattheOne.I’malreadyforty-s—Nevermind,”shesaid,flustered.
“Youdon’tlookadayovertwenty-eight,”Iliedautomatically.Sheappreciatedit,though.Sometimesthat’swhatweneedfromourfriends:sweet,sweetlies.“Ralphlookssomucholdercomparedtoyou.”
Valerieperkedup.“Hedoes,doesn’the?Hecoulduseagoodmaintenanceregimeconsistingofamonthlychemicalpeel,IPLphotofacial,andmaybeeitheravampirefacialoraVenusFreezetoholdeverythingtogether.”
“Right,right,”Isaid,makingmentalnotesofeverythingsoIcouldgooglelater.
Linda,though,wasawholebigpileofcowpoothatneededmorethantheglueofliestoholdheralltogether.ForsomereasonthenewsaboutTwitterAvatarManandhisthirdwifehadreallygottenunderherskin.NothingIsaidordidmadeanydifferencetoherfuguestatewhenshewasnotatwork:notbribery,notthreats,notevenflattery.Shedidn’twanttoengageortalk,evenaboutherself;shewasincreasinglylaxaboutpersonalhygieneandupkeep;shewouldn’teveneat,she,awomanwhooncecry-ateherwaythroughdifferentbodypartsofasucklingpiginfrontofmewhenshehadabadbreakupatuni.Itwaslikelivingwithateenageragain,exceptthisteenagerwasafunctioningalcoholicwithbottomlessfundstocushionherdownwardspiral.
Thesituationneededtostop—Ineededhelp.Morespecifically,Ineededoutsideintervention.
Sunday5June
Spenttodayintheoffice.Openedthedoorandhalf-expectedtoseeSuresh,placidlytyping,beforeIrememberedthathewasaslimyfile-stealingwormthathadafiancée.
HadafoursomewithEricDengandtwostrangers—inaboardgamescafé(tsk-tsk,gutterbrainmuch?).OverthreehoursofintensiveMonopoly,whichisoneofmyfavoriteboardgames,althoughmidwayIflashedbacktoCatanwithSureshandhadtodigmyfingernailsintomypalmstostopmyselffromcomparingthatnightwiththis.Didn’thelpthatitwasintheexactsameboardgamescaféwewerelastin.
Midwayduringaparticularlyintenseroundofgameplay,Ericgotuptogetmeabeerfromthecounter—andItotallyslow-checkedhisbutt.AndthenIlookedupandcaughthimclockingmedoingjustthat.Theold,passivemewouldhavefrozenandduckedmyheadorpretendedhehadsomethingontheseatofhispants,butthenewme,theI’ve-seen-thingsme,methisgazefull-on.Achallengewasissued.Ball’sinyourcourtnow,Eric.I’mnotfriend-zoningyouatall.
Monday6June
NearlytrippedoverLinda’spronefigureonthewaytowork.Whenasked,shesaidshehadpermissiontoworkfromhomethatday.
AndthenIfoundouttheextentofMassimo’sdepravity.KaihadheardonthePAgrapevinethatMassimowasstillaclientatLinda’slawfirm—what’smore,he’dspecificallyaskedforhertobethepartnerinchargeforhisfiles,sothatevenwhileshewasdodginghiscalls(sheismadeofverysternstuff,inherownway),shecouldn’tdodgehimatworkifhechosetoshowup.That’swhythefirmisbeingsolenientwithher—becauseshe’sstilloneofthetopbillingpartners.Andthat’swhyshe’schoosingnottoshowupatworkoncertaindays.
ScaryhowmuchyourPAsknowaboutyou.That’swhy,inourworld,wehaveasaying:keepyourPAsclose;keepyourenemy’sPAonretainer.
Saturday11June
I’vedecidedtobringJasonintothemix.Ifthere’soneaspectofLinda’spersonalityIcancounton,it’shervanity.Havingayoung,attractivemaleinthehousewouldbejustthethingsheneededtojoltherbacktohernormalself.
It’sasignofhowSingaporeanI’mbecoming:relyingonForeignTalenttoworkonjobsIdon’twanttodomyself.Gome!
Anyway.IinvitedJasontohavebrunchatmyplacetoday,butnotbeforelettingitbeknowntoLindainanoff-handwaythatJasonwascoming,andinlessthanthirtyminutesshehadshowered;washedanddeep-conditionedtherat’snestthathadsatontopofheroilyfacefortwoweeks;scrubbed,toned,andmoisturized;shearedoffherarmpitandleghair;andpouredherskinnyframeintodenimshortsandanairyboho-chicwhitetopshehad“borrowed”frommycloset,lookingfresh-facedandbeautifulwithoutmakeup.She’devenbrushedherteethandgargled.Myplanhadworkedlikeacharm.
“Hi,Jason,”shesaidprimly,sippingonaglassoficedtea(icedvodkawithasmidgeoftea)whenJasonsaunteredintothelivingroomcarryingcupcakesandlookinglikehehadwalkedoutofaGapcommercial.
“Hey,”hesaidcautiously;Iguesshewasn’tusedtobeingthecenterofherattention.Lindaputonherbestwide-brimmedsmileandgesturedforJasontositbesideherattherounddiningtable.IrolledmyeyesasIwatchedhimapproach,withoutguile.ItwaslikewatchingBambicircleapanther,thinkingthelatterwantedtobehisfriend.Heshouldbeafraid—shehadn’teatenamaninweeks.
Nonetheless,brunchwentbetterthanIcouldhaveenvisaged.Wetalkedabouteverythinglightandairy,nothingserious(thathadbeenthebrieftoJason),andLindalostabitofthatolddishraglookinhereyes.Brunchbecamedrunkendinnerbecamedrunkenmoviemarathon,andeveryonewashavingawhaleofagoodtime,notleastbecauseIhadappointedmyselfLinda’snewchastitybelt,havingwedgedmyselfbetweenJasonandLindaformaximumReboundRomanceInhibitingEfficacy(it’snotaneasytaskforanymantoresistLindaoncetheoldgirlstartedturningonhercharm).Forthisvisit,Jason’spurposewastoactasmuch-neededeyecandyandtriggerLinda’sdormanthormones;nowthatthepurposehadbeenserved,Ihadtokeepherfromconsuminghim—itwasearlydays,andhewasbecomingdeartome.HavingJasonandLindaaroundmademerealizehowmuchIhadmissedmyfriends,evenflightyValerie,whohadnowreplacedmewithRalph.IwasnotgoingtoletLinda’sraginglibidoandloosemoralsendangerthedelicatepHofourraggedyband,atleastnotyet.
Later,whenLindahaddrunkherselfintoadark,mumblysleeponthelivingroomfloor,JasonandIhungoutinthelivingroom,watchingepisodeafterepisodeofKeepingUpwiththeKardashians,withJasongivingmeablow-by-blowtocatchuponthebackstoryIhadmissedbynotfollowingthemfromthebeginning;hedefinitelyhadanunhealthyknowledgeoftheKardashian/Jennerfamilytrees.
WewerediscussingwhichKardashian/Jennereachoneofuswasmostlike(IwasallegedlyaKendall,forbeinglow-key)whenJasonpipedup,“Youknow,it’sfunnythatyouguysaresoclose.Youseemlikepolaropposites.Iknowyou’rerelated,buthowdidyoubecomefriends?”
TheLindaandAndreaoriginstorywasnotcomplicated,Itoldhim.Wemoreorlessraninthefamilycircles,havinggrownuptogetherinMalaysiabeforeLindaemigratedwithherparentstothePhilippineswhenshewasten.Butwedidn’tgrowcloseuntilwebumpedintoeachotheratthelawfacultyinthesameuniversityinLondon.Thenwestartedspendingtimewitheachother—herdependencyonmymeticulousnotesprobablythemaindriveratfirst—andbecamecloseovertime.WehadhadsomegoodtimesinLondonbeforeIhadtocomebacktoAsia.I’dliketothinkIwasoneofthereasonsshechosetorelocatetoSingaporeoverShanghaiwhenshewasgiventheopportunitytogrowherlawfirm’spresenceinAsia—that,andthelocalhawkerfoodscene.Ilikedherfiercedevotiontohertribe(well,exceptforherrecentflakiness,thatis),andIenviedheruntidy,adventure-filledlifestyle,whereanythingcouldhappenanddid.Idon’twanttobeher,butI’malittleinaweofher.
OK,maybeIwanttobelikeher,justatinybit.
“She’salwayschallengingmetostepoutofmycomfortzone,”Isaid.
“That’sexactlywhatIlikeabouther,”Jasonsaid,blushing.
Andthentheveilwasliftedfrommyeyes:JasonhadalwaysbeenintoLinda!
Aboltoflightninghitme,akill-two-birds-with-one-stonekindoflightning.Aslyideaformedinmyhead.
“Hey,I’vegotabrilliantidea,”Isaid.“Whydon’tyoumovein?Ihaveanemptyroomandyouhaveacrazyhousemate.I’llchargeyouminimalrent,andIcanfinallyevictLinda.”Andthatway,youcanalwaysbearoundmeandLinda.
“You’realittleafraidofher,aren’tyou,”Jasonobserved.
“Yep.”Iadmittedthisalittleshamefacedly.
“It’sagoodthingI’mnot.I’vedealtwithwomenlikeherinmyfamily,andIknowexactlyhowtohandleher.Soyes,I’llbeyourfallguy.”
WeshookonitandcontinuedwatchingTVuntilwefellasleeparounddawn.Soit’ssettled,Diary—Jasonmovesinwithmeinalittleovertwoweeks.Hehasnoofficialleaseinhisoldplaceanywayandispracticallysquattinginthebroomclosethecallsaroom.
IalsonowhaveanexcusetoevictLinda.Iamveryhappy.Ican’twaittotellherwhenshewakesup,ifsheeverdoes.
Wednesday15June
Lindahasbeengivingmethesilent,woundedtreatmentsinceSaturday,butmyevictionnoticeseemstohavekick-startedagetting-her-shit-togethermovement.Interestingly,shehasmovedintothespareroom.Thelivingroomisbottle-freeandthefloorssweptandmopped;eventhecouchhasbeenbuffedwithsomekindofcleaningproductandlooksalmostpresentable.Myfridgehasbeenrestocked,or,rather,stockedforthefirsttime,withfreshfruitsandgourmetfoodlikeFrenchandSpanishcheesesandhealthfulartisanaldips.Eventhealcoholhasbeenreplenished.Bestofall,Lindahasstartedshoweringregularlyagain.She’sevenkeepingregular,respectableworkinghours.
Ishouldhavethreatenedherwithevictionweeksago.
9:55p.m.IcamehometodaytofindLindaanddinnerwaitingforme.Lindamadespagbogfromscratch.Shemotionedformetojoinheratthediningtable.I’lladmitthatIwashesitant—shehasn’tdrunksinceSunday,asfarasIknow,andshewasunpredictablewhensober.Shealsohadabandonmentissues,anexplosivetemper,andwasvery,verydexterous.Isatdownatthefarthestendofthespotlesstablefromher.
Sheservedmethepastaandweateinsilence.Thespagbog,withitsblendofbeefandlambmince,wasdelicious,butIcouldn’tenjoymyfood.Lindawantedsomethingfromme,andIwasafraidIknewwhatitwas.
“Pleasedon’tkickmeout,”shefinallysaid,mid-meal.
Isighed.“Jason’sallpackedandreadytomovein,”Iremindedher.“Andyouhaveyourownplace.You’vebeensqua—livinginmylivingroomforoveramonth.I’msorry,babe,butyoucan’tstayhereforever.”
“I’llpayrent,”Lindapleaded.“I’llpaytriplewhatJasoncanofferyou!”
“YouknowIdidn’taskJasontomoveinbecauseIneedthemoney,”Iremindedhergently.“Now,what’sreallygoingon?”
Herlipstrembled.“Idon’twanttobealoneinthatapartment,afterwhathappened.I-Idon’tfeelsafe.”
Oh,jeez,Ihadnoideathatshefeltunsafe.Igotupandgaveheratighthug.“Listen,thatjerkdoesnotdeserveyourtearsandwearegoingtocleartheshitoutofyourhousewhenIgetthere.Plus,Berenice’svisitwasjustaone-offincidentandwe’regoingtomakesurenothinglikethateverhappensagain,Ipromise.Tellyouwhat,thisweekendI’mfree,soI’llgetacontractortocomeovertoyoursandwewillinstallthemostbadasssecuritysystemwecanfind.Noone’sgoingtobeabletobreakintoyourhomeeveragain.”
Shesniffledandnodded,clingingontomelikeIwastheonlybuoyinaturbulentsea.TherewassomethingtouchingaboutseeingLindasovulnerable.Italmostmademefeelsorryforher,untilIrememberedthatshelikedtosleepnaked,andthat,amongotherunspeakablereasons,waswhyIwasgoingtohavetoreupholstermycouch,ifnotburnitaltogether.
Friday17June
2:35a.m.WenttothekitchentogetaglassofwaterandfoundLindadoingtheunspeakableonmycouchagain.ShemovesoutTOMORROW.
Youknow,thiswholePootssagahasremindedmethatwehavetomakesagedatingchoices.Obviously,onecannotberuledbylibidoandhavezeroqualitycontrol(Linda).
IthoughtfondlyofEric.Theothernight,afterMonopoly,hehadgivenmeahugthathadlastedlongerthanthreeseconds.Weweredefinitelygettingsomewhere.Inthefullnessoftime.
Saturday18June
3:15p.m.JustcamebackfromLinda’s,whereastate-of-the-artsecuritysystemhasnowbeeninstalledbytwomenwholookedliketheyhad,atonepointoranother,brokenoutofamaximum-securityprison.Thesecuritysystemincorporatesbiometricreaders,securitycameras,lightandmotionsensors,andotherniftyextras,includingamonthlysubscriptiontothesecurityfirm’ssurveillanceservices.Linda’sfatherisgoingtofindaveryinterestingsurpriseonhisCenturionsupplementarycreditcardbillthismonth.
8:05p.m.LindasentmeashortWhatsAppvideoofherlounginginthelivingroomwatchingaWillFerrellmovie,aglassofwhitewineinonehand.Shegavemeathumbs-up.Allseemswell.
11:40p.m.HeadingtoLinda’s.Shesaidit’sanemergency.
1:45a.m.BackatminewithLinda.Sherefusedtoletmeleavewithouther.She’sunpackedandinstalledherselfbackinmylivingroomagaintomygreatchagrin,claimingthatmyspareroomis“reallyacloset.”
2:20a.m.Ihavegottostanduptothewomeninmylife,otherwiseI’mnevergoingtoberidofthem.AttherateLindawasgoing,Iwon’tevenhavespacetoaccumulatecats,muchlessaworthypartner!33
Saturday25June
4:15p.m.Hurrah!I’mfinallyfreeofLaLinda.
WithJasonscheduledtomoveinwithmeinafewdays,thingswerecomingtoahead.Linda’srefusaltobudgewasbecomingtiresome,butasIwasstillunabletodirectlyconfronther,IdecidedtooutsourcethedirtyworktoJasonagain.
HecameoverthisafternoonwhenLindawasatherworst:belligerent,drinking,andwatchingSawIV(seewhyIhadtogetridofher?).Iopenedthedoorandnoddedgrimlyathim,becausehewasabouttofacethebeastwhenshewasnotwearinghercivilizedmask.ButJasonwashappilymadeofsternerstuff.HestrodeovertotheTVandturneditoff,beforesnatchingthebottleofwineshe’dbeenneckingfromher.Andplacingitinfrontofhiscrotch.Smartmove.
Shebarkedsomeobscenityathim.
“Pullyourselftogether,Linda,”hesaid.“Isthisappropriatebehaviorforsomeoneyourage?Whatareyou,toochickentodealwiththerealityoflivingaloneandsoweakthatyouhavetogetdrunkinordertogetoveraflaccidlumpofaman?”
Lindagottoherfeetandgavehimahardslap.Which,tohiscredit,hetookwithoutshrinking(she’satallwomanandaboot-campworkoutfanatic).
“Asshole,”shesaid,beforeshelaunchedherselfathim.
Andthentheyweremakingthemosthideoussoundsinmyspareroomfor,like,fourhours.IknowbecauseIleftthehousetoseekrefugeinacaféandcamebacktoacacophonyofnoisesIwouldexpectfromagorillaenclosureatthezoo.
Andnowitwasrainingelephantsoutsideonadead-endSunday.Butnotenoughtodrownthemout.Ispeed-dialedEric.
Iquicklyfilledhiminonmydesperatesituation.“Please,thereareabunchofanimalsinmyhousedoingbadthingstoeachotherandIneedtogetoutofherepronto.Takemetoyournextactivity.I’llindoorski,learnhowtomakepastafromscratch,watchadocumentaryonChristianScientists,whatever.Justpleasegetmeoutofhere!”
“I’vegotabetteridea.”
Hecameoverandpickedmeup.IwassurprisedwhenwedroveupinfrontofhishouseonJervoisHill,whichIhadn’tbeentosincewefirstmetattheSexlessBookClub.Forsomereasonmyheartwaspoundingandmypalmsweresweaty,notleastbecausetherewasaveryrealchancethathewasgoingtosuggestwegobowlinginhisveryownhomebowlingalley,whichIsuspecthehastuckedawaysomewhereinthatmansionofhis.Imean,wehaddonejustabouteverythingelse.
HedroppedmeatthefrontdoorandIwaitedforhimtoparkintheundergroundgarage,sweating.Heopenedthefrontdoor,Ientered,andwestoodawkwardlyinthehallway,unsureofwheretogonext.Especiallyme.Becauseyouknow,hishousehadwings.
Heclearedhisthroat.“IhavethisreallynicecollectionofJapanesewhisky,sowecanspendtheeveningwhisky-tasting,”hesaid.“Don’tworry.Iwon’tmakeyouwatchanydocumentaries.”
“Great,”Isaid,flushing.Here’sthethingaboutEric:hewasn’tjokingwhenhesaidthat.Hereallywasjustexplaining.
“Oh,andRashidah’saway,so…”Heshrugged,lookingalittleflustered.“Wedon’tneedto,ah,worryaboutbeingsociable,youknow.”
“Well,”Isaid.“IthinkImightneedabreakfromdrinking…andIreallyjustwanttobewithyou,alone,”Iaddedwithmeaningbeforehecouldsuggestbowling,chess,foosball,orworse,Catan.
“Followme,”hesaidinalowvoice.
“Oh,I’lldefinitelyneedto,orImightgetlost,”Ireplied,tryingtobeflippanteventhoughIwasperspiringinanticipation,mystandardmove.
Heledmeupastairwellandintohisbedroom.
3:10a.m.DearGod.Themanhasstamina.34
Monday27June
SoyesterdayEricandI*grinemoji*werejustloungingaroundinhishomebowlingalley(Iknow),havinggonethroughjustabouteverypositionknowntoman,whenheturnedhissexydadbodtome,kissedmeonmynose,andsaid,softly,“Ireallylikeyou,Andrea.”
“Oh,”Isaid,pretendingtopullonmyclothes.“Iassumedthatwashowyoutreatallyourmortalenemies.I’llgonow.”
Hedidnotlaugh.“Wait,what?”hesaid.Honestly,sometimesitwasdisconcertinghowlittlehegotmysenseofhumor.
“I’mkidding.”
“Oh.”Hestilllookedperplexed.
“Youweresaying,abouthowlikableIam?”Iprompted,tryingtore-createthatmomentofintimacy.
“Yes,andwhatdoyouthinkaboutme?”
“You’reacceptable.”
Hesmackedmybum.Theplush,specialacousticpanelsabsorbedthesound.Ah,tobesorich.
“No,really,”Iclearedmythroatandavoidedmeetinghiseyes.“IthinkIlikeyou,too.”
“Good,”hesaid,lookingrelieved.“Ithoughtyouwouldstartlaughinginmyface.You’resowonderful.”
“What?!”Iblurted,beforeburstingintolaughter.“Stopyankingmychain!”
“I’msorry?”Thesameperplexedlook
“Imean,stopjoking.”
“Butyouare,andthecrazythingis,you’resohardonyourself.Don’tyouknowhowbeautifulandsmartandexuberantandput-togetherand—”
“Shuudddddup,”Isaid,gettingembarrassed.
“You’reamazing,”hesaid,leaningovertokissme.Andsomethingelseextremelynaughty.Yum.
“I’veneverhadaguycomplimentmesomuchaftersex.Usuallytheyjustescape,”Ideadpanned.“Theperksofgoingoutwithanolderguy,eh?”
Hedidnotlaugh.“Soit’sofficialthen,we’regoingouttogether?”Ericasked,lookingstrangelyvulnerable.
“Er,yes?Imean,yes!”
Hegavemealong,searchingkiss.“ThenI’mglad.”
Thursday30June
7:35a.m.EricleftthismorningtogoonanotherweeklongbusinesstriptoBeijing,afterwehadspentthelastfewnightstogether.(Hewouldpickmeupafterworkandbringmebackstraighttohisplace,skippingdinnerentirely.*ahem*)
Ihavetosay,I’msogladtobedonewithdatingingeneral.AndnotjustbyhookingupwithanyaverageJoe:IwasdatingEricDeng,theultimatetrophyman,theBirkinofBoyfriends,thekindofmantheChairmanpageofannualreportsforaFortune500wasdesignedfor!AndIwouldn’tevenbehissecondwife!Imean,ifhedecidestoputaringonitoneday,Iwouldbehisstarterspouse!Anolder,butstillmuchyounger(thanhim)starterspouse!IwasfinallywinningintheGameofLife.Notonlywasmycareer(semi)backontrack,butIhadlandedamanwhowaseveryAsianTigerMom’swetdreamforason-in-law
8:02a.m.Yuck,thewords“wetdream”and“son-in-law”shouldnever,everbeutteredinthesamesentence.
11:15a.m.Idly,IflickedopenTLTStoseewhatSuresh—Imean,toseewhatWaterwasupto.ThingswerecomingtoaheadwithWaterandRhean.Theirenergyasavigilantecouplewasexplosive,andthingsweregettingoutofhand.Alotofcollateraldamagewashappeningintheirkills.Theyweren’ttryingtocontainthemselves.Itwasasthoughtheirpent-updesireforeachotherwasmakingthemactrecklesslyinotherareasoftheirlives.
IcheckedoutTLTS’sfollowercountandwasstaggeredtoseeitwasnowhoveringatcloseto150K.
Friday1July
Jasoncameovertosurveytheapartmentbeforemovingin;hewantedtoseeifhecouldgetridofanyofhisstuffifneeded.
IaskedhimhowmuchspacehewouldneedasLinda’sbelongingsstilllitteredhalfofthelivingroom.
“Ihaveadesk,achair,asmallboxofkitchenutensils,andmaybetwolargesuitcasesandacarryall.That’sit.”
Ibeggedhimtosimplifymylife.Hehandedmeabookfromhisbackpack.“Readthis.IwasgoingtobringitovertoLinda’sthenexttimeIseeher,butyoucanhaveitfirst.”
“TheLife-ChangingMagicofTidyingUp,”Iread,inavoicelacedwithskepticism.“ByMarieKondo.What,Ican’tjustchuckstuffinadrawer?Dude,thislookshard.”
“Hey,therearenoshortcutstoenlightenment.Faceit:everythinginlifeinvolveswork.”
Ifoughttheurgetokickhimintheshins.
Wecelebratedbyhavingaboozelessdinneràdeux(takeawaypizzasfromanearbypizzeria).Afterweweredone,heclearedthetableandshooedmeawaywhenIofferedtohelpwiththewashingup.ThenhemadeusbothrooibosteaandwewatchedaStevenSeagalmovie.Itwasallverycivilandpleasant,untilIheardthedooropen.
“Hello,chickadees,guesswho?”afamiliarvoicecrowed.Myheartsank.ItwasLinda.Ihadalmostforgottenshestillhadthesparekeytomyapartment.ShewalkedoverandploppedherselfdownonthecouchbetweenmeandJason.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iprotested.“Ijustgotridofyou.”
Sheshruggedwitha“Who,me?”expression.“Ineededtogettherestofmythings,didn’tyousay?”
“Yes,butIsaidI’dcallyouandarrangeatime.”
“Notimebetterthanthepresent.”ShegaveJasonalongkiss.“Didmylittlekittymissme?”shemock-growled.
“Isuredid,”hesaid.Hewasstrokingherface.“God,youhavesuchgoodskin.”
Isighed.“Pleasegotoherplace.Ihavethinwalls.”
Theyignoredme.
Iwenttotheoffice.Itwassaferthatway.Iwasalreadyregrettingaskinghimtomovein.
Saturday2July
9:45a.m.TurnsoutIdidn’treallyhavetoregretforlong.
Iwokeuptoaloudbangingonthedoor
OpenedittofindLinda,whohad,itturnsout,accidentallyleftherkeyatmyplaceyesterday.Shewaswearingawhitestraplesssundress,astrawfedora,andslip-onAvarcas,anensemblethatonlylookedgoodongirlsorwomenbuiltlikeher.Itisveryannoying.Especiallywhenshewasupsoearlyonaweekendandforcingmetojoinheronthebrightside.
“Guesswhat?”shesang,dancingpastmeintomyapartment.
“What?”Imuttered,slammingthedoorandploddinginafterher.
“Jasonagreedtomoveinwithme!”shechirped.
“What?”Isaidagain,flabbergasted.Didn’thejustagreetomovein—withme?OrhadIjustdreamedthatithappened?“Why?”
“Whynot?”sheasked.“Wealreadyspendallourwakinghourstogetheratmineoratyoursanyway.”
“Right.Forallofoneweeksinceyoustartedshagging.Soliddecisiontomoveintogetherimmediately,ofcourse,butwhocareswhatIthink.Sowhenishemovingout,ifhehasn’talready?”
“Inthreedays’time.”
Efficiency,thynameisLinda’sVagina
“Andthisway,IcancelthesecuritysubscriptionthatIsignedupfor,andDaddycanrestoremyCenturioncard.”
Ah,twobirdswithonestone:money-savingChinese-ladylogic.Icouldn’targuewiththat.“Congratulations,”Isaidinreferencetotherestorationofhergoodfortune,givingherahug.
“Thanks,”shesaid,grinning.Thenherfacegrewserious.“Imeanit.Foreverything.ForJason,especially.”
“Ididn’tdoanythinginthatrespect,”Isaid,withfalsemodesty.Itotallymadethemhappen.
“Youtotallymadeithappen,”shesaid,becauseshewasperceptiveandwe’dbeenfriendsforalongtime.“Jasonisasweetheart.BeforeJason,Iwasamesswhenitcametodating—Icouldn’tseeit,Iknow,butIwas.”
“Icouldseeit,”Iquipped.“Youwerethebiggestself-sabotagerI’devermet.Youhadtheworsttasteinmen.Theworst.”
“Shutup.Fine,I’lladmitthatIhaveaslightpredilectionofdatingmenwhojustdidn’twantmeenough,menwhoweren’tavailable,insometoxicwaymirroringmyowndaddyissues,maybe.”
“Yousaidit,notme.”
Shemadeaface.“God,Ihatebeingacliché,butthentheremustbesometruthinhowtheseclichéscomeintoexistence.Anyway,thatphaseofmylifeisover.I’msogladtobedonewithtoxicmen.”
IthoughtaboutEricDeng.“Youknowwhat?Itpainsmetosaythis,Linda,butyou’veinspiredmetodothesame.”
“EricDeng?”shesaid,eyebrowraised.“Well,it’sofficialnow,ain’tit?”
“Yes,”Isaid,blushing.
“Great.Thenit’stimehemettheDon.”
Incaseyoudidn’tcatchthatreference,dearDiary,shemeansherself.35
Monday4July
11:25p.m.CelebratedFourthofJulyironicallywiththeusualsuspects(avecEric!)atmyplace,inhonorofLinda’sunofficialmovingout.
SinceitwasAmericanIndependenceDay,Ben,whohaddualUS-Britishcitizenship,andLinda,whoIdoubthasactualworkandhadmyhousekey,haddecidedtotakechargeofthedecorations.Thehousewasdecoratedwithblue,white,andredpompomballsandcrepestreamers,withacarpetofirregular-sizesilverballoons.Mybartablewascoveredwithbottlesofbourbon,rum,whiskey,andvodka,andtherewereIkeaglasstumblersandanicebucketwithuglymass-producedicecubes.Very“IceBucketChallenge,”notEricDengatall.
Iwasverynervous,notjustbecauseI’dbeeninhalingheliumandstillsoundedlikeAlvintheChipmunk.EricwasdifferentfromthepeopleIhungoutwith.Ericwas,howcanIputitpolitely,well—hewasmuchmorewell-adjustedthanmostoftheso-calledadultsIknew.Alsohewasolder.IwasmostlyworriedthatLindawouldriphimtoshreds.Linda…oh,Lindawasabloodhound,andshe’dbeenfedveryfewscrapsintermsofmylovelifeoverthepastnineyearsorsosinceI’dbeeninSingapore.She’dneverapprovedofIvan,andIwasn’texpectinghertolikeEriceither.Shehadsuchhighstandardsforpeopledatingeveryoneelsebutherself.Iwarnedhertobenice,andsherepliedsomethinglike,“TheDonwillapportiongraceandmagnanimityasbefitsthesupplicant.”
Honestly,Ireallydon’tknowhowwebecamefriends.
LindaandBenwereatmyplacebyseventohelpdecoratethelivingroom(thedoortomybedroomhadbeensafelylockedup—Icouldn’triskEricwanderinginandseeingtheamountofstuffIhad).Everyoneelsestartedarrivingaroundeight.Thealcohol,itmustbesaid,wasflowingveryfreely.BythetimeEricwasduetoarrive,everyonewascheerfullywasted,exceptforme.Ihadtheperformancesweats:Ineededmyfriendstolike,toapproveof,Eric.Idon’tknowwherethisgroupapprovalsystemcomesfrom—itmustbesomekindofevolutionaryhangoverfrombackinthedaywheneveryonehadthatonecavetohideoutinfrommammothsoricyvortexes,andyoudidn’twanttobethepersonbringingbackamatewhosmelledlikewarmfungalsouporwhowentarounddry-humpingthewoodpile,soyougotafewofyourmorediscreetbuddiestocheckthemout,andifthepotentialmatedidn’tpassthetest,allthebuddiesbasicallyclubbedthematetodeathtoprotectthespecies.Samething.
Inmymind’seye,IpicturedEricsayingsomethingabouthowhedidn’tbelieveinmiscegenationandallofmymatesjumpingonhiminawhirlofLooneyTuneslimbs.Thesewerethekindsofdeepdarkthingsthatyouunearthsometimesmonths,yearsintoarelationship.Plushedidn’thaveadigitaltrail,likeRatfinkOrson.Urgh.NaturallyIwasamessbythetimeherangthedoorbell.Ihadtosteelmyselfwithafortifyingshotofbourbon.
“Hi,everyone,thisisEric!”Ichirped,barelystoppingmyselffromshouting“Deng!”asIledhimin.ThankfullyIwasbacktonormal.Voice-wise.
Hewaswearingadeepblueandtealbatiklong-sleevedtopandbeigechinos.And—Ididadoubletake—whiteAdidasStanSmithtrainers,withgreentrim.WhywashewearingStanSmiths?Heneverworeanythingotherthansuedeloafersordressshoes.Itlookedsuperincongruous.
And…and…werehischinos…slimcut?
“Youlike?”hestage-whispered.
“Hmm-mmm,”Ireplied.Besttosaynothingifyouwerestilldigestingthevisualstimuli.
Lindabreezeduptohimandshookhishand.“I’mLinda,”shesaid,beforeIcouldintroduceher.
Ericsmiledandshookherhand.“AndI’mEric.”
“SoI’vebeentold,”Lindarepliedbreezily.“Now,I’vemademyfamoustruthserum,andyouandIaregoingtogotoacornerandyou’regoingtodivulgeyourdeepestdarkestsecrets.”Shehandedhimamugofherproprietaryblendoftwenty-one-year-oldYamazakiwhiskey,neat,herpreferreddrink.
“DoIhaveachoice?”Ericjoked,smilingasheacceptedthemug,notatallfreakedoutwhenhereallyshouldhavebeen.Shehadbeenknowntobite.Literally.
“Benice,”IcalledanxiouslytotheirbacksasLindahustledhimawaytothebalcony.
“Iwon’t,”Lindashoutedback.ThensheslidtheslidingdoorsclosedandIsawtwocigarsbeinglit.
—
TheycamebackalmostanhourlaterwhilewewerestreamingthelivecoverageoftheFourthofJulycelebrationsanddrinking.IwatchedEriccloselyforsignsoftrauma,buthelookedfine.Lindawasnowinherfriendlynetworkermode,smilingandtouchinghisarmnowandthenasshechattedwithhim.Shethrewmeawinkandmouthed,“He’slegit.”Iwonderedwhattheyhaddiscussed,andmorespecifically,whatshehadgottenErictodiscloseaboutme.
Iwasgladtoseeeveryone,especiallyLinda,gettingalongwithEric,andviceversa,despitethedifferenceinage(andmaturity).Lindawasparticularlyjoyous,twinklingunderJason’swarmattentionandBen’sundeniablejealousy.BenandValerieleftaroundmidnight.LindaandIhungbacktotalkinmyroomwhileJasonandEricchattedonthebalconyandsmokedmorecigars.ApparentlythingsweregoingwellwithherandJason,andtheyweremakingplanstospendChristmasinthePhilippines.(Howmanydaysofleavedoesthiswomanhave??)
“Oh,andIthinkEric’sasolidguy.Imadehimrunthegauntletofquestionsandhedidn’tevenflinch.He’sanhonestblokeandhe’sterriblyintoyou.”Shepattedmyback.“Ididn’tgetitbefore,butnowIdo.He’stheunconventionallysexykind,inadeviatedseptum,dad-ishway.”
“Stayawayfromhim,”Isaidimmediately,alarmedbythedadreference.
Lindachortled.“It’sOK,I’mgoodwithwhoIhave.”Shesaidthiswithasoftsmileonherface.“Butasyouroldestfriend,Andrea,I’malittlesurprised.Ifeellikeyou’retakingtheeasyroute.”
Iwasscornful.“ChoosingEricischoosingthehardroute.Theman’sgotayoungdaughterandhe’sfromanothergeneration.ButIthinkhe’sworthit.”
“Yes,Iunderstandthatheisagoodcatch,Andrea,butletmetryandputitinawayyou’llunderstand.It’slikeaimingforsecond-classupperwhenyoushouldbegettingafirst-classdegree.”
NowIwasannoyed.“Ericisfirstclass,Linda.”
“OK,fine,letmeuseanotherobtuseanalogy:it’slikegettingfirstclassinmedicinewhenallyouwantedtobeisapharmacist.”
“Howdareyou?”Isaidinrichlyshockedtones.
Lindashrugged.“Look,youknowme.I’drathergetathirdinpharmacythanmedicine,solongasit’spharmacyI’dratherbedoing.”ShegesturedatJasonwhowasstandingbythewindowinasleevelesstop,lookingconventionallysexyandperfect.Honestly,ifthatwasthirdclass,somethinghadtobemajorlydeviatedunderhisshorts.
WhenitwastimeforJasonandLindatoleave,allofushelpedtomoveherremainingstufffromthelivingroomandthespareroomintoarentallorry.Iknowthissoundsstrange,dearDiary,butwhenthelastboxwasloadedandthelorrydroveaway,Ifeltatwingeofregret,mostlybecauseIcouldnolongerborrowthesweetbagsthatLindahadleftatmyapartment.ButthenEricgavemewhatstartedasashouldermassageand—yum.36
Saturday9July
SureshjustdroppedanewTLTSstrip.
Thesituationisgettingevendarker.Wholemontageofnewmurders,moreinventive,darker,andmoredaringthanever,whensuddenlyWaterandRheandiscoverthat,forashortwindowafterthey’vekilledandwhentheyhavetakentheformofthepeoplethey’veended,theycanphysicallytoucheachother,strangersinfleshbutfamiliarineveryotherway.
Atlonglast,standingontopofagristlymess,WaterandRheanembraceinasuperhotsceneofunfamiliarlimbs.
Alsoheisat312Kfollowers.NotthatIchecked.
Sunday10July
11:20a.m.BrunchinbedthatEricmadeforme(toastwithbutterandjam,kaleandbananasmoothies—EricgiveshisstaffSundaysoff).Hadsexinhisroomandthebowlingalley.Theacousticsinthebowlingalleyareamazing.
2:15p.m.Hadsexinthehometheater.Theacousticsinthehometheaterroomareamazing.
DeeDee’sinParisandstayingfortheFashionWeekshows.Shewon’tbebacktillOctober.
Ericsayswecandoitinherroomifwewantto.Idemurred.We’veallgottodrawthelinesomewhere.
4:20p.m.DiditinDeeDee’sbedroom(inthewalk-inclosetandthebed).Herroomhasmirrorseverywhereandmoodlighting.Theacousticsareamazing.
Hey,shedoesn’tpayrent.
Wednesday20July
7:30p.m.EricleftforRometoday.Workedlistlesslyviaremoteconnectiononsomefiles,buttherewasnothingurgent,foronce.SummerholidaysandmostofmyclientsbeingEuropeanmeant,forthefirsttimeinalongtime,Ihadsomefreetimeonmyhandstorelax,topursuemycreativeimpulses.
SoIlaunchedCandyCrush.
10:20p.m.OutofboredomdecidedtoreadTheLife-ChangingMagicofTidyingUp.WhenIfinishedIwentintomyclosetandrealizedthateventhoughmyworldlypossessions,mostboughtwithyear-endbonuses,didnotnecessarily“sparkjoy”inthenormal,Kondosense,theycertainlysparkedanalmostperversepleasureasIsniffedthemwhilereminiscingabouttheclientsIhadhelpeddominatetheirrespectivefields.
Thursday21July
10:15a.m.Urgh.Work.Is.So.Boring.Whydohumanshavetowork?Workissostupid.Thebestthingsinlife,likesex,arefreeafterall.Well,mostly.Butmustcontinuebilling.ThequalifyingroundofinterviewsstartinAugust,andI’msocloseIcanalmostseetheengravednameplate:
ANDREATANG,PARTNER
Chills,Itellya,chills,especiallyinthesweetfontI’dchosenforthispurpose.
Itfeelsalittleweirdtobeallaloneintheoffice,whichsuddenlyseemsunnaturallyquietwithoutSuresh’sextravagantmusclestoabsorballthatnoisytyping,whatwithhimstillawayonsecondmentinJakartaworkingforamajorclientofhis.Idon’tknowhowAnoushaistakingit.Whyisheacceptingtogoawayonsuchlongsecondmentswhenhislong-awaitedfiancéeisfinallyinSingapore?Makesnosense.SpeakingofAnousha,Kaitoldmethatshe’sworkinginoneoftheleadingprivatehospitalsinNovenaasaseniorconsultant,whichisliketheequivalentofmyrank,Ithink.Goodforher.Idon’tcare.37
Saturday23July
WentoutclubbingwithBen,whohasbeeninmourningeversinceLindagottogetherwithJason.Iguesshewashopingthathewouldhavebeentheonethatwouldonedaywearherdown.
Benwantedtogoclubbingbecausehebelieved,falsely,thathecould“pickagirlup,”whichisaprettymisogynisticthingtosay.Alsodoesanyoneactuallyhookupinclubsanymore?ThisisthesecondtimeI’vebeenoutwithBen,andit’snotlookinggood.
Intheendweleftat1:30a.m.,eachcitingworkcommitmentsthenextday,butdearDiary,IcaughtBenyawningmanytimesonthedancefloor,especiallywhentheyplayeddubstep,whichasweallknowwasinventedbyacunningdemon,someonewhowasdefinitelyanup-and-comer(ifnotmanagementitself).
Feltveryold.Butinahappy,triumphantway—Iwasbeyondthesinglesclubscene.Iwasloved.
Sunday31July
Openedthedoortofindahugebouquetofblushpinkpeonies(myfavorite)—carriedbyEric.
“Surprise,”hesaid,softly.Heenvelopedmeinalovelyhug.
He’dcompletedadealearlyandhadcomebackfromEuropetohangwithmeuntilhehadtoflytoBrazilonTuesdaywithDiana,hisdaughter,forsummerholidays.
“TheelusiveDiana,I’malmostjealousofher,”Iteased.“WhenwillIgettomeether?”
“Soon,”hepromised,buthisoffhandmannersuggestedthatIhadtopassotherhurdlesbeforehewouldintroducemetohisbeloved.Hewasvery,veryprotectiveofher.
“Anyway,withthetimedifferenceandworkandfamily,itmightbedifficulttochatasoftenasI’dlike,soIthoughtI’dmakeupforit.”
“Ohreally?”Isaid,nuzzlinghisneck.“Howareyouplanningtomakeupforit?”
Heshowedme.
Tuesday2August
Misshimalready.
Friday5August
Hadanintimate(ahem)videochatwithEric.Itwashisfirsttime,supposedly.He’sverygoodwith,erm,filters,anddemonstratesanuncannyabilitytochoosetherightwordsand,uh,sounds.Ican’twaitforhimtobeback.
Monday15August
IopenedthedoortotheofficethismorningandjumpedwhenIsawSuresh.IntheexcitementofmynewrelationshipwithEric,IhadsomehowrepressedthefactthathewasduebackinAugust,afterhavingcompletedhisthree-monthsecondmenttoJakarta.ThefirstroundofselectioninterviewsforpartnershipwouldbeheldthisFriday,sothatexplainedwhyhewasback.
“Hello,”hesaidguardedly.
Foramoment,westaredateachother,embarrassed,andthenhestoodandengulfedmeinatight,lingeringbearhugthatleftmebreathless.
“Missedmyuglymug?”hesaid,afterI’dgingerlyletgo.
“Nottoomuch,”Isaidwithawrysmile.“I’vebeenbillingtonsofhours.You’llneverbepartnernow.”
“Ohyeah?IsleptwithMong.Topthat.”
Igiggledandsomehowthingswerealmostnormalwithus,forafewsecondsatleast.
“I’mnotkidding.I’mgunningforpartnership.Youbetterwatchyourback,”hesaidwithagrin.Thenhemadeaface.“Actually,cometothinkofit,that’stheonlywayI’llbeabletoaffordtheweddingAnoushawants.ShewantstoholditatFullertonBayHotel,withcloudsofwhiteroses,astringquartet,aliveband,andanopenbarnoless.”
“That’sgoingtohurt.”Ihadalmostforgottentheyweresupposedtogetmarriednextyear.
“Yup.ApparentlyafterItoldheraboutGenevieve’sangpaomatrix,shethinksthatshecanmakemoneyoffourguests.Troubleis,Anousha’sacoconut.She’sforgottenthatweIndiansareskint,andhalfofourguestsarecomingfromIndia.We’regonnaendupindebtnowthatherparentsaretotallynotchippinginfortheweddingnorgivingusanydowrysinceshe’smovedtoSingapore.Andmyparentsarenotrich.Evenwithourcombinedsalaries,thisweddingisstillgoingtosetusbacksignificantly.”
“Thendon’tholditinFullerton.Haveitsomewherelessfancy.”
“Noushiewouldnever—Imean,it’sbeendecided.”
“It’syourwedding,too,andyoudon’twanttogetindebt.”
Sureshsighed.“Youknowit’snotthatsimple.Noushiehas…certainstandards.She’sconnected.Theweddinghastolookgood.Ifitwereme,I’djustelope,butbothsetsofparentswouldkillme.”
“I’delope,too,ifIhadtopayforahugewedding,”Isaid.“Althoughmyidealwedding,ifIdidn’thavetomeettheexpectationsofmymother,wouldbesmallandintimate,onabeach.”
“Mine,too,”hesaid.“SomewhereinthePolynesianislands,whereit’s—”
“Farandexpensiveenoughsothepeopleyoucourtesyinvitedon’tmaketheefforttoactuallycome,unlikeBali?”
“Exactly,”heexclaimed.
Ishookmyhead,marvelingathowmuchonthesamewavelengthwewere.“Toobadwe’renotgettingmarriedtoeachother.”
Sureshlookedatmestrangely.“Yeah.Toobad,”hesaid.
“Butyou’llinvitemetothewedding,yes?”
Heshrugged.“Ihavenochoice,sincewesharethesameoffice.Otherwiseyoumightstartspittingintomychai.EspeciallyonceI’mmadepartneroveryou.”
“Youwish,”Isaid.“Haveyouforgotten?I’mnotgettingmarriednextyear.Youare.”
“IalmostwishIwasn’t,”hemuttered.“ButifIdidn’t,I’mnotquitesureIwouldbeabletokeepmylife.MuchlesssureI’dkeepmyjob.Myfuturefather-in-lawwillseetothat.”
Itwasanoddthingtosay,butIletitslide.Itdidn’tmakesense—whatdidhisfuturefather-in-lawhavetodowithhisjob?
Anyway,notthetimetodissectthis.Amonmylastburstofbilling.GottomakethosenumberspopforFriday’sinterviews.
Friday19August
FirstroundofinterviewswiththePartnershipCommitteeisdone,finally!Superexhaustedbutamfeelingpositive.
Tuesday23August
2:35p.m.Valeriecalledwithgreatnews:Ralphjustproposedtoher!IthappenedafteraworklunchatForlino’s.HavingbeeninvitedbyoneofRalph’sleastfavoriteclientsandhiswifeforbusinesslunch,RalphandValeriequaffedtwobottlesofpriceyVenetianredandatesomefineItalianfood,andoncetheclientandhiswifehadleft,Ralphhadproposedwithchampagneandtiramisu,puttingitallontheclient’stab.Classy.
“I’mgoingtobeamarriedwomanagain,”Valerieshrieked.“OhLord,I’vebeenwaitingsolongforthistohappen!”
Iofferedhermyheartiestcongratulationsbeforegentlyhanginguponanotherhigh-pitchedsqueal.Oppositeme,Sureshwrinkledhisnoseatmeandasked,“Didsomeonewinthelotteryorsomething?”
“Youcouldsaythat.Valerieisengaged,”Isaid.Iadded,“Tosomeoneshereallycaresfor.”
“That’sgreat,”Sureshsaid.HeknewValerie,whichistosayhehadheardsomuchaboutherfrommethattheywerealmostrealfriends.
Anyway,sincehe’sbeenbackandwe’resharinganofficeagain,fromwhatIcangatherSuresh’srelationshipwithAnoushaseemedtobebackontrack.Inthesensethatshewasleadingandhewasfollowingdutifullywithminimalresistance,asfarasIcouldtell.Everyphoneconversationwithhisbelovedwasnowcompletelyconflict-free,nowthatshewasworkinginSingaporeandtheyhadputthedarkdaysoffreeChiswickbungalowsbehindthem.Sowhatifthelightfromhiseyeshadfadedandeverytimeshecametogethimattheendoftheworkdayheworethefrozensmileofanunwillingchildbride?Thatwashisproblem.Anyway,Kaitoldmethathehadalreadyacceptedafollow-upsecondmentinJakarta,sothatshouldhelpthesituation.AndthenheandAnoushawouldgetmarried.
Ofcourse,Iwashappyforthebothofthem.Sohappy.Andinoneweek’stime,mybetterhalfwouldbebackfromhistourofSouthAmericawithhisdaughter,too.
Thursday1September
BringouttheRedBulls:Eric’sback.Yay!
Saturday3September
EricandIwerehavingbreakfastintheeasternsunroom(gofigure)whenheinvitedmetoflywithhimtoMadridtomorrow.“It’llbefun.You’veneverbeenandIhavetimeoffbetweenmeetings.WecouldvisitthePradomuseum.It’soneofmyfavoritesintheworld.”
Igroaned.“I’dloveto,Eric,butIhavework,remember?You’redatingamemberoftheworkingclass.”
Heliftedaneyebrow.“Socallinsick.Whydoyoucare?You’realwayscomplainingaboutwork.”Hecaressedmyface.“I’llbringyoutothefinestrestaurants,we’llgoshopping…”
Iswattedhishandaway.“Stopteasingme!Ireallycan’t.IfI’mgoingtomakepartnerthisyear,IhavetooutdoSureshandbillmore.”
Hepressedhislipsagainstmyneck.“Butwhyareyousobentonmakingpartner?Doyouevenlikewhatyoudo?”
“Whatdoyoumean?Ihavetomakepartner,”Iansweredautomatically.
Somewherebetweencollarboneoneandtwo,hesaid,casually,“Youknow,ifwegotmarried…”
Iinhaledsharply.“Married”wasatriggerwordforme.
“Ifwegotmarriedoneday,youcouldjuststopworking,beatai-tai,*dowhateveryouwantinstead,likestartacharity,workinoneofthosedevelopmentaidorganizations.You’llbemuchhappier.”
Istiffened.“That’ssoundsso..StepfordWives.AndI’mnotinterestedinbeingthat.”
“Notatall!Ididn’tsaystayathomeandbetheperfecthomemakerinheels—that’ssexist.Suggestingyouuseyourtimeinamoreworthwhilemannerbyworkingonsomethingyoubelievein.PlusI’mnotmakingyouquitajobthatyoulovemorethananythingintheworld.Youhateyourjob.Youcalledit‘indenturedlabor,’ifIrecallcorrectly.Thatifyouweren’tindebtanddidn’thaveloans,you’dhavebrokenfreefromyourcorporateshackles,toquoteyou.”
Hedidhaveapoint;Ididn’tlovecorporatelaw.“ButI’mverygoodatit.AndIwanttobefinanciallyindependentfrommypartner,whomeverheis.”
Helookedamused.“Afeministslavetothesystem.Suityourself,butthenworkinafieldthatyouenjoy.Whatdoyouliketodo?”
Ifellsilent.WhenSureshhadaskedme,I’djokedaboutwantingtobeamermaidoramarinebiologist,andIhadonceflirtedwiththeideaofwritingasacareer,butthetruthisIdon’tknowwhatIwoulddo,ifIhadthefreedomtodecide.GrowingupI’dneverbeenaskedthatquestionbefore,becauseI’dneverbeengivenachoice.SinceIsuckedatmath(meaningitdidn’tcomeeasilytome;doesn’tmeanIdidn’tgetstraightA’sallthetime),mymothernarroweditdownto“lawyer.”Andtherightkindoflawyer,ofcourse.Notonesthatworkedforlegaladvicecentersornonprofits.
IhadonlythevaguestnotionthatIwantedtoprotecttheunderdogsoftheworldwithmysicklegalskills.
“Idon’tknowwhatI’dwanttobe,”Isaid.
Helaughedandkissedmyforeheadtenderly—Ihadspokenoutloudagain.“Sowhat’swrongwithbeingatai-tai?Youwouldbefreetopursueyourdreams.Startafoundationandchampionacauseyoucareabout.Beanactivist.Youaresuchapassionateperson.Theremustbeacauseyoucarestronglyabout.Genderequality?Fairtrade?Cyberbullying?Anythingispossible.”
Withyourmoney,Isaidinmyhead.Thatwastheunspokenpartofhissentence.
“Thinkaboutit,”hewhispered,nownibblingatthesensitiveareaundermycollarbone,hisrighthandslidingdownmyspineandundermytop.“Youcouldfinallydowhatyouwant.Youcouldbehappy.Icouldhelpyou.”
Itoyedwiththeideaofbeingatai-taiuntilmyfocuswasbroughtelsewhere.Mmm.
Sunday4September
Andoffhegoes,again,toanotherbusinessmeetinginSpain.
Withhimgone,Ihadtimetomulloverwhathe’dsaid.Ifmoneywasn’tanobject,whatwouldIbe?IfIdidn’tknow,wasitbadtotrytofindoutundersomeone’spatronage?Ericwasofferingtofreemefrombeingaslavetothesystem,butwaswhathewasofferingrealfreedom?AndhowcouldIconsidermyselfafeministifIdidthat?ButwasbeingafeministasimportantasbeingfreetolivethelifeI’vealwaysaspiredtohave,i.e.,quitajobIhateandhaveenoughmoneytobuywhateverIwanted?CoulditevenbepossiblewithoutsomekindofbloodsacrificeandwasEricDengactuallythedevil?
IchastisedmyselfforconstantlyputtingdownEric.Hewassensitive,worldly,family-oriented,wealthy.Hewasagoddamnfind.AndiftherewasanythingLindataughtmeoverthelastfewmonths,itwasthatlovecamefromunexpectedplaces,andIjustneededtoopenmyhearttoletitinandnotbeblindedbypreconceivednotionsinceptedbyDisneyandDeBeers,thatlovehadtofeelonewayoranothertobeauthentic.
Thursday8September
Renovationsforthenewfloorhavefinallyfinished.SureshwillbemovingoutnextFriday.
Wedecidedtohaveacasualdinnerinourofficetocelebratehisleaving,sinceithappenedtobeoneofhisraredaysintown.Heorderedtakeawaypizza,thenwegrabbedsomeBelgianbeerandabottleofRieslingfromthepantry(clientslovesendingtheirlawyersalcohol)and,fordessert,cookiesfromthevendingmachine.Hedidn’tmentionthatitwashisbirthday,whichIhadrememberedbuthadchosentoignore,andIdidn’tbringitup;IdidthinkitwasstrangethathehadchosentospenditwithmeinsteadofwithAnousha,seeingthathehadnorealactivefilesbackhereandcouldcertainlyaffordaneveningoff.
Strange,butflattering.
“I’mgladyou’rehere.Iwasn’tsureifyouwouldbe,”SureshsaidashepouredmeaglassofRiesling.Heclearedhisthroat.“How’sEric?”
“Good.AndAnousha?”
“Good.”
“Chiswickdidn’tcomebetweenyou?Allfencesmended?”
Hislipsthinned.“Noandyes.We’regoingtoLangkawiforashortvacationnextweekend,aftershegetsbackfromGreecefromamedicalconference.Wereallyneedtoreconnect.”
Istrugglednottobarfattheideaofthebothofthemliterallydoingthat.“Oh,nice,”Imanaged.“Whichresort?”
“FourSeasons.”
“Fancy.”
“Ihavetostepitup,”hesaidlightly.“Isn’tbeingfancythereasonwhymenlikeEricDenggetwomenlikeyou?”
Hewasjoking,butforsomereasonitrubbedmethewrongway.Itriedtolaughitoff,butIrecognizedthebarbunderneaththatthrowawaycomment.Eric’slargessewasnotthereasonIwaswithhim,ofcourse.Ineveraskedforthegiftshespranguponme;IwentoutofmywaytomakesurethatIpaidformyshareoftheentertainmentandF&BwheneverEricDengaskedmeout.Ididn’tdothecheckdance—Ipaid.OnceInearlyslicedopenhispalmgrabbingthecreditcardoutofhishand,soeagerwasItobetheonetopayforthemeal.
Still,therehadbeenotheroccasionswhenI’djustbeenoutofmyleagueinthefaceofhisgenerosity.ThoseVIPoperatickets…thatsurprisestaycationatCapella…thosevintageBurgundywinesthathewouldalwaysinsistonhavingwhenwedinedFrench…thatsublimemealwiththesuperlativesakepairingatWakuGhin…Ihadn’tpaidforthose,couldn’tevenaffordtopayformyhalf.Nottomentionthegiftsheshoweredmewith.WhocouldforgetthatCharlesBukowski;theVanCleef&Arpelsdiamondstudsheinsistedwere“nobigdeal,atrinket,really”;theoccasionaldesignerbag.
Whatever.Sureshisonetomoralize.HetriedtostealmySungguhCapitalfile.Can’tforgetthat.Gladhe’sleavingagainforJakartaintwoweeks.
Wednesday14September
AwkwardlysaidgoodbyetoSuresh,whonowhashisownoffice.AndhisownPA,HongLim,ayoungmanwhoKaisaidwasnotpartofthePAwebofgossip.ApparentlyHongLimhadprinciples.
Well,he’sreallyoutofmylifenow.There’snothingtoholdustogether.Wedon’thavetopretendtobefriendsanymore.
Kaidroppedinafterhe’dlefttocomfortmewithanEarlGreyandlavendercake.Weateitinsilence,contemplatingtheemptyspacewhereSuresh’sdeskandchairhadbeen.Can’tbelieveInolongerhavetohidemyburpsorfartsbycoughing,amovethatnodoubtneverfooledanyoneasIcouldnevercoughconvincingly,beingeithertoovigorousortooweak.
WorkedabunchtillitwaspastdinnertimeandIfinallydecidedtomakeamove.Ilookedatthehalf-eatencakeandthoughtIwouldputitinthepantrysothattheotherscouldpartakethereof.Iwonderedifanyonefromtheteamwasaround.
IpokedmyheadoutoftheofficeandrealizedwithastartthatthefloorwasalmostdarkexceptforMong’soffice,onceagain.Thedoorwasopen,andnoonewasin.Wherewashe?Heshouldhavebeenathisdeskas,accordingtooursharedcalendar,hehadaconferencecallinanhourwithNewYorkandhewastakingitfromhisoffice.Heprobablyhadn’teatenyet,actually,andmightappreciatesomecake.
Iwalkedtohisdoorwithaslice.“Mong?”Icalled,knockingoutofhabitbeforewalkingintoputthecakeonhistable.
Hisscreenwasunlockedandlit.Adraftemailwasup.
Iwasn’tgoingtoreadituntilIsawthesubjectmatteroftheemail:
ProposedcandidatesforpromotionfromM&A
Icouldn’treadit,dearDiary.Itwouldbeaclearbreachofprivacy.Andtrust.Icouldn’t.SoIdid.
ItwasMong’semailinresponsetoachainofdiscussionregarding,amongacoupleofotherM&Anames,meandSuresh
Anditread:
Dearpartners,
Intermsofbothcandidates,SureshandAndrea,IdothinkthatSureshisthebettercandidate38
No.Nofuckingway.
Irubbedmyeyesincase,youknow,Ihadatumorthatwascausingmetoseebetrayalwheretherewasn’t.Butthesameemailwasstilldisplayedthere,withthesamewords.
Un-fucking-believable.
BeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing,Ihadtakenoutmypersonalmobilephoneandtookapictureofthosepainfulwords.ThenIsnatchedtheplateofcakeoffhisdeskandwalkedoutofhisofficeinhighdudgeon.
SoMongdidn’tthinkIdeservedtheonethingI’dbeenworkingtowardmywholecareer.Well,then—hedidn’tdeserveartisanalcake!
Ifeltlikesomeonehadkneedmeinthegut.
ThenmyheartbeganpalpitatingandIgotallsweatyandgaseous.
WheneverIgetdestabilizedbynews,Itendtodrink.ItookoutmyemergencybottleofPatrónandpouredmyselfashotthatIquicklydowned.Thenanother.Thenanother.Andmaybeacouplemoreinquicksuccession.
Andthenmyeyesnarrowedinrage.HowcouldMongdothistome?IwashisPadawan.He’dcalledmehisWorkDaughterandIreciprocatedbyreferringtohimasmyWorkDad.Andhe’dalwaysclaimedtohavemyback.
Ifeltsick.Andinneedofaffirmation.Orashag.Theseweretumultuoustimes.
Irantothetaxistandandhailedone.IttookmetoSuresh’scondoinfifteenminutes(wekneweachother’saddressesbecausewe’reeachother’sbackuponfiles).
Oncedroppedoffatthemaingate,IfoundSuresh’sblockandranghisunit,hopingthatIhadrememberedrightthatAnoushawasstillinGreeceforhermedicalconferenceandnotwithhim.
Asleepyvoicemumbled,“Hello?”
“IsAnoushain?”Ibarked.
“Wh-what?No,”hesaid,befuddled.
“Thenletmeup.”
WhenIgottohisdooritwasalreadyopen.Suresh,rumpled,stoodinthedoorway.HewasdressedinathinT-shirtandrattypairofcottonboxersandT-shirtandlookingbleary-eyed,sleepoozingfromhiseyesandflecksofdroolonhischin(hey,it’snotlikeI’mwritingaromancenovelhere).
“Ineedtotalktoyouinprivate,”Isaid,marchingpasthimintotheapartment.“I’vegotnews.”Iwasallkeyedupandnodoubtlookedalittlecrazy.
“Nicetoseeyou,too,Andrea,”Sureshsaidsarcasticallyafterhe’dshutthedoor.“I’monlydressedinmyboxersandIdidnotinviteyouin.”
“Thiswon’ttakemorethanafewminutes,”Isaid,throwingmyselfontohiscouch.
Ormaybemore.ItookinthesculptedabsjustvisiblethroughhisT-shirt.Eveninmydrunkenanger,Iwasimpressed.Howwasthisguyacomicartist?Isquintedhard.Wasthatdaubsof…paintonhischest?
“CanIhelpyou?”Sureshinterruptedmythoughts,hishandscrossedoverhischest.
“Niceapartment,”Isaid,makingconversation,tryingtokeepmyvoiceeven.Ijumpedupfromthecouchandstartedwalkingaround,peekinginroomswithoutshame.Adrenalinedoesthattoyou—sodoesfiveshotsoftequila.
Therewasalightinhisstudy;he’dbeenworkingonsomething.Distracted,IwalkedinandsawabeautifullyrenderedportraitofWaterandRhean,bodiesentwinedwhiletheworldburned.SureshhadpainteditinA3sizewithgouache.Itwasbreathtaking.
“Youapprove?”Sureshsaid,enteringthesmallroomandstandingbarelytwofeetawayfrommeinfrontofhisdesk.Myheartwasbeatingevenfasternow.
“Ididn’tknowyoucanpaint.”
“I’mnotanatural,butItookacourse.”Hewasstillstudyingmeinawarymanner.Icouldn’tblamehim:Ididn’tevenknowexactlywhatIwasdoingthere.
“Icameheretotellyousomething.”
“Soyou’vesaid.”
“Hey,givemeabreak.I’mnotheretotakeameterreading.WhatI’mabouttosayis…isdifficult.”
Heraisedhiseyebrowsandsaidnothing
“Mongisgoingtoputforwardyournameforpartnership,notmine.”
“What?”hesaid.“How…what…?”
ForasecondIthoughtIwasgoingtorage-jumphisbones,butbeforeIknewit,tearswereprickingmyeyesandtheurgewasgone.“Idon’tunderstandit.Idon’t.Ibillmorethanyou.Ihaveseniority.Itmakesnosense.”
“Areyousureit’snotamistake?”
“Positive,”Isaidraggedly.“MongistheleastambiguouswriterIknow.Isawtheemailonhisscreen,whenhewasaway.Ieventookascreenshotforproof.I’vereadthedamnthingadozentimes.”
“Shit,”hesaid.“I’mshocked.Ireallythoughtyouweregoingtogetitintheend.”
“Apparently…apparentlytheythinkotherwise.”
Todistractmyselffrommydesiretopuke,Ipickeduponeofthesilverpictureframes(heavy,Tiffany,probablyAnousha’s)andglancedatitwithsomecuriosity.ItwasapictureofAnoushawithherarmsaroundanoldermanandwomanwitharemarkableresemblancetoher—herparents,presumably.Isquinted.Themanlookedveryfamiliar.WherehadIseenhimbefore?
Sureshcameovertomeandputahesitantarmaroundmyshoulder.“Andrea,I’mreally—”
“Who’sthis?”Iasked,pointingatthemannexttoAnousha.
Hiseyesgrewshifty.Themanhadnopokerface,likeme.“Oh,him?That’sNoush’sdad.Youknow,Mr.Singh.”
Mr.Singh.Mr.Singh.Thenthecoindropped.IrememberedwhereIhadseenthataristocraticfacebefore:hanginginagildedframeabovethereceptionistinthelobby!
Idroppedtheframewithadramaticclatterontotheteaktabletop.“Youshit,”Ihissed.“Youlyingsackofshit.”
Sureshgrimacedandstartedbackingawayfromme.“Whatnow?”hemuttered.
IpointedathimlikewewereinSaleminthe1600sandhehadjustannouncedthathevotedforlegalizingwitchcraftandwomen’ssuffrage.“AnoushaisInderjitSingh’sdaughter.YourfiancéeisthedaughterofoneofthefoundersofSingh,Lowe&Davidson!”
“Yes,and?”repliedSuresh,feigninginnocence.“It’snotlikeit’sanyone’sbusiness.”
Acoldfuryenvelopedme.“Oh,butitis,”Ihissed.“It’sagoddamnconflictofinterest,that’swhatitis,anditshouldbedeclared,especiallywhenyou’reonthepartnershiptrack.”
“ButI’mnot,”hesaid,thelyingturd,nowapproachingmewithaplacatingpalmoutstretched.“Imean,Iwas.ButI…it’s…it’scomplicated.I’llexplainitalllater.Iwanttoknowwhyyoucameheretonight.Tellme,please.”
“Don’ttrytochangethesubject,asshole.Iseeeverythingclearlynow,howyouliedtome,manipulatedmeinto—Imean,youwereschemingtogetpartnershipallthistime…b-bygettingintomyhear—headtoconfuseme,you…youpinworminfection!”
“What?Whatthehellareyouonabout?”
“Soyoudenyit?”
“Iwasnotscheming,andIcertainlywasn’thidingthefact—Imean,I..Fuck!”Hepulledhishairinfrustration.“IhaveneverusedmyrelationshipwithAnoushatoadvancemycareer,howcanyoueven—”
“Fuckyou,”Isaid.
“Icanex—”
ButIdidn’twanttolistentoanotherlie,soIdidtheonlythingIcouldstilldowithdignity:Iran.
9:45p.m.WhatsAppmessagesandtextsfromSuresh.Ihavedeletedthemwithoutreading.There’sreallynothinglefttosay.Puttingthephoneaway.
10:05p.m.Severalmissedcallsfromanunidentifiednumber.Whatisthis,amateurhour?
10:25p.m.VoicemailfromSuresh.Deleted.
11:45p.m.Workemails,too?Toobadwe’renolongerworkingonanyfilestogether,asshole.Ideletedallofthemwithoutopeningasingleone.ThenemptiedthetrashfolderbeforeIcouldchangemymind.Archivedallhisincomingmailtoafoldertitled“LYINGSCUMFOREIGNTALENT(HERETOSTEALMYJOB).”
HowcouldIhaveeverlikedhim,maybeevenmorethanplatonically,whenIhaveamanlikeEricDeng?(Also,whywasitalways“EricDeng”inmyheadandnotjust“Eric”?)HowcouldIhaveputeverythingIhavewithEricinjeopardylikethat?WhatwasitaboutSureshthattrippedmeuplikethis?
1:08a.m.Assholecowaqrd.Winebertterlover.WhoneedsatheassholewhenIahvwwine39
Thursday15September
5:15a.m.What’sthepointoftryingtosleepwhenIhaveaknifeinmyback?Can’tbelieveMongwasn’tgoingtoproposemeforpartnershipthisyear,justbecauseofVizWare.AftereverythingIworkedfor.AsforSuresh…hidingthefactthathisfuturefather-in-lawisInderjitSingh.
Nestofvipers,Itellyou.Nestofvipers.ThankGodInolongerhavetoshareanofficewithSuresh.
Well,there’sstillachanceIcangetMong’sandeveryoneelse’svote,ifIsalvageVizWare.
8:12p.m.SureshhaddroppedanewstriponTLTS.WaterandRheanhadmovedpastkillingfor“good”butwerenowkillingtosatisfytheirownneedsforeachother.
It’snotlookinggoodforourmurderouscouple.
Wednesday21September
8:00p.m.Leftworkearlierthanusual.Couldn’tconcentrate.What’sthepoint?
9:15p.m.Home.LaunchedAngryBirds.Openedbottleofwineandbagofoff-brandCheetos
9:35p.m.Openedsecondbagofoff-brandCheetos.Dejectionapparentlyincreasesmyappetite.
11:45p.m.Putphoneaway.Eyesblurry.Anotherthingmylawfirmhastakenawayfromme.
1:15a.m.Couldn’tsleepagain.Idecidedtogotomysafeplace:thetwenty-four-hoursupermarket.
Ilovesupermarkets.IgotosupermarketstocalmdownwhenIthinkofmakingabreakfromsociety.Ienterfeelinglost,butafteranhourIcomeoutcalm,soothed,justalittlefluorescent-lightblindanddrugged,butwithmysenseofselfandworthrestored.Thereissomethingsodeeplymeditativeaboutwalkingalonginthesupermarketaisles:allthatchoice—thatillusionofchoice.
Letmeexplain.Mostofthebrandsyouseeintheconsumergoodssection,eventhosefancy,seeminglyindependent,hippieones,areownedbyoligopolies,thesamefewfacelessmultinationalcorporations.Sowhileyou’reboastingthatyou’rea“made-by-Amish-virgins-in-Kentucky”kindofgranolagirlorinthe“monk-blessed-and-French-mountain-filtered-piss”bottledwatercamp,you’realleatingthesameGMOs,absorbingthesamechemicals,drinkingthesamemicroplastics.
Ohyeah,whatwasItalkingaboutagain?Lovingsupermarkets.Right.
SohereIwas,leavingthetoiletpaperaisleandabouttoshufflealongtothecerealaisletograbmyselfthelatestsugarGMObombswhenIsawsomethingthatmademybloodruncold:
Ivan.Intheflesh.
InaT-shirtandcargoshorts,walkinghand-in-handwithafamiliarfigurewearingalong,sleevelesswhitecottondress.
Andtheywereheadingmyway.
IwasjustabouttoturnaroundandfleethesupermarketwhenIvanlookedupandoureyeslocked.
Goddammit.WhydidIhavetorunintoIvanwhenI’mbuyingtoiletpaper?Noteventhefancyembossedkind,justtwo-ply,basictoiletpaper,dearDiary,thekindyoufindinsecond-ratecommunalworkingspaces,inaneconomypack.WHYCOULDN’TITHAVEBEENTHEFANCYQUILTEDFOUR-PLYBLACKTP?WHY?WHY?WHY?
ANDWHYWASIWEARINGJHORTS?
Hebeganwalkingtowardmewiththewoman.IsteeledmyselfbydoingaKegel.IlookedheroverasdiscreetlyasIcould:Chinese,myheight(whoamIkidding:she’staller),younger,longer-haired,butoverall,shelookedalotlikeme(maybeslightlymoresnaggletoothed—andhunched).ItwasthesamegirlIhadseeninthebarwithIvan,agesago
“Hello,Andrea,”Ivansaidtersely.
Ismiledmymostprofessionalsmile.“Ivan,”Isaid,asthoughweweredistantrelationsinsteadofpeoplewhohadoncesmushedugliesonhismahoganydeskinhissuperluxeHongKongofficeonemorninginplainviewofofficegruntsintheoppositetower,iftheyhadbinocularsortimetolookup.
Hedidaheadtwitchinthegirl’sdirection.“Thisis,ah,mygirlfriend,Nessadalyn.”
Ididadoubletake.“I’msorry,Ness—?”Igenuinelydidn’tcatchher,erm,name.
Therewasaflashofangerinhisface.“Nessadalyn,”herepeated.Heglancedpointedlyatmytoes,whichwerealittlegrubby,because#AllWorkNoLife.“Goingsomewhere?”hesaid,rathernastily.
I’dforgottenhecoulddothat,cutmewithasnidethrowawaycomment.“Yes,”Isaid.Forsomereason,theliepoppedintomyhead.“I’mgoingonastaycationwithmyboyfriend,Eric.”
Hah!Gameon,Ivan.
Hedidn’trespond,buthelookedlikesomeonehadrunacheesegrateragainsthisVirusCradle.Nessadalyn,perhapssensingthatallwasnotwell,decidedtospeakup.“Pleasedtomeetyou,Andrea.I’veheardmanygoodthings.”
“Ofcourse,”Isaid,knowingthatshewaslying.“Andwhatdoyoudoforaliving,Nessadalyn?”Straighttothepoint.
Nessadalynsmiled.“I’m—”
(Acatalogmodel!Anescort!)
“—workingatahedgefund.”
“Oh,”Isaid.“As?”(HopingshewouldsayPA.)
Serenesmile.“Quant.”ShepattedIvanonhishead.“I’mgonnabehissugarmama.”
Ivansmirkedatme.“We’regoingtohaveincrediblyintelligentandcutebabies.”
“Oh,whosaidanythingaboutbabies?”Nessadalynsaidwithatwinklylaugh.“I’mbarelytwenty-seven,youolddog.”
Ivanwasthirty-eight.
“Whataboutyou?”shepurred,clearlywinning.
“I’maseniorassociateinatoplawfirm.”SaidoutloudinthismannerIsoundedsosad.Ididn’tskiinVal-d’Isère;Iwaspastmypeakhotness;Iwasjustaseniorassociate.
“That’ssoimpressive,”Nessadalynsaid,lookingpointedlyatmygiantpackoftoiletpaper.
“Well,”Isaid,confidenceatanall-timelow.“Ishouldreallygetgoingtomyboyfriend’s.He,ah,wantsmeto,ah”—aflashofinspiration—“takealookatsomeofhisfirm’slegaldocumentsbecausehe’sgotthishugelaunchofeco-hotelscomingup,thefirstonebeinginVietnam—maybeyou’veheardofit,Idon’tknow,nobiggie—theDulitGroup?”
Nessadalynnodded,impressed.“Beautifulproperties,superbbranding.You’resoluckytobepartofthisdeal.”
“Thanks,”Isaid,bemused.“Well,Eric,thegroupCEOandmajorityshareholder,isalovelyguy,too.”
“Who?”Nessadalynsaid,confused.
Ivanclearedhisthroat.“Nessie,doyoumindifIspeakinprivatewithAndrea?”
“Notatall.Youtakeaslongasyouwant.”Intelligentanddesirable,Nessadalynwasnotthreatenedbythelikesofme.
“Really?”Ivansaid,whenshewasgone.“Still?”
“What?”Isaid,gearingupforafightthatshouldhavecomealongtimeago
“Iknowyou,Andrea.Youwantedtomakeherfeelsmallinthebeginning,didn’tyou?Butunluckilyforyou,Idon’tdatestupidgirls—ordoyoustillthinksolittleofme?”
“Ineverthoughtlittleofyou,”Isaid,stung.
“Please.YouneverrespectedmebecauseIwaspartofthesystemandIwascoolwithit,andyouthoughtyouweresomehowspecialbecauseyouwantedout‘someday.’Butguesswhat,Andrea,you’restillinit,youstillmeasureyourselfagainstit,andmaybeyoujustneedtoswallowyourprideandrealizethatit’stoolate,you’repartoftheMatrix,you’renobetterthanmeorNessie.Tellme:how’syourcrusadetosavetheworldgoing?Savedanydisenfranchisedpeoplelately?”
Ihadnothingpithytosay.
“Youeitheracceptwhatyou’vebecomeorrejectit,thenmaybeyou’llmakepeacewithitandlearntobehappy.”
“Iamhappy,”Iretorted,affronted.
Helaughed.“Youdon’thavetoconvinceme.Andyournewparamour—Eric,isit?—Ihopeheknowswhathe’sgottenhimselfinto:awomaninhermid-thirtieswhostilldoesn’tknowherownmindbutthinksshedoes.”
“AtleastIdon’thaveamade-upname,”wasallIcouldcomeupwith.
“Growup,Andrea.Oratleastgetyourprioritiesright.”Thenhewalkedaway.
Ispunaroundonmyheelandheadedtowardthecashier.“I’llshowyou,”Isaid,throughgrittedteeth,asthecashiereyeballedmewarilywhilesherangupmypurchases.“I’llshowallofyou.”Ivanwaswrong:Iwasdecisive,IknewwhatIwanted,whoIwanted,andIwasgoingtobehappy.
Thursday22September
ShowedEric,who’djusttoucheddownfromIndonesia,wherehewasscoutingfortheperfectislandforhisnewboutiquehotel,justhowmuchhemeanttome,severaltimes.
Whenhe’dcaughthisbreath,heaskedmewhatthatwasabout.
“Can’tIshowermyboyfriendwithappreciation?”
“Sure,ifitinvolvesthatkindofliteralbackbending.”
“Imissedyou,”Isaid.
Hekissedme.“Almostmakesbeingawayfromyouforsolongworthit.”
“Youshouldbearoundmoreoften,”Isaid,meaningit.
“Allright,”hesaid,lookingmeditative,hislefthandtouslingmyhair.“Allright.”40
Saturday24September
4:15p.m.Ericcalled.“I’moutsideyourhouse.Getdressedandcomedown.”
Ibristledalittleathistone.“Ordermuch?”
“Sorry,butI’mjust—well,IthinktodayisthedayyoushouldmeetDiana.I’vebeenwaitingfortherighttimeandnowthatIknowwe’reseriousaboutoneanother,it’stimetointroduceyoutoher.”
“What?”Ipanicked.“ButIhaven’tshav—Imean,Ineedtoiro—Imean,Ineedtimetogetdressed.I’malady,”Isaid,drawingmyselftomyfullheight.
“Mydarling,mydaughterdoesn’tcarehowyoulook.Sheonlycaresaboutmeetingyou.I’vetoldhersomuchaboutthiswonderfulwomanthatI’mdating,who’squirkyandadorableandintelligentandjustsofunny.”
“Goon,”Isaid,pleased.
“Andrea,comedown.I’mgoingtointroducehertoyou.Rightnow.”
“She’sinyourcar,rightnow?”Ipanicked.
“No,I’mgoingtobringyoutohermother’splace.Getdressed.”
—
Hedrove.That,initself,wasananomalythatspokeofthesecrecysurroundingthesituation,asIknewthatErichatedtodrive.Myheartwasinmystomachtheentireride.Iwasfinallygoingtomeethisdaughter.Itwasabig,bigdealforme,andforhimaswell.
WhenwearrivedatthegatesofthecondoinBukitTimah,Iwasquitefranklydrenchedinsweat,despitemybesteffortstocalmmyselfdownbyimaginingmyselffrolickingonabeachfullofgoldenretrieverpuppies.(Effective,isn’tit?)
Hecalledtheapartmenttoletherknowwehadarrived,thenhetappedthekeycardandbroughtustothepenthouse.Heknockedonthedoorandayoung,slimChinesewomananswered.
“Hi,Maria,”hesaid.“Where—”
“Hithere,”Iinterrupted,stickingmysweatypalmoutandenthusiasticallyshakingthehandthesurprisedwomanprofferedme.“MynameisAndrea.It’ssonicetomeetyouandyourdaughteratlast.I—”
“ThisisMaria,Anne’shelper.”
“Oh.”Iblushed,releasingMaria’shand.ShesmiledreassuringlyatmeasImutteredmyapologies.Wefollowedherintothelivingroom,whichwasdecoratedinstark,minimaliststyleinshadesofgrayandoff-white.
There,seatedunderapaintingofapastoralItaliancountryside,werethewomenofEric’slife:Anneandhisdaughter,Diana.
AnnewasnothinglikewhatIhadexpected.Dressedinsimpleblackjeansandasleevelesstanktop,shewassmall-built,voluptuous,Indian;youngandpretty,butnotexceedinglyso.Iestimatedheragetobemid-thirties.Ihadbeenexpectingatall,thin,twentysomethingChinesesupermodelforsomereason.Iwasrelieved.
“ThisisAnne,”Ericsaid.AnneandInoddedateachother.“AndthisisDiana,mydaughter.”
“Hello,”Isaid,shakingboththeirhands.“It’sverynicetomeetyou,”IsaidtoAnnebeforerepeatingmygreetingslowertoDiana,notsurehowelsetocommunicatemypleasureatfinallybeingintroducedtoher.
“Letme,”hesaid.Thenheturnedtohisdaughterandbegansigning.Hisdaughtersmiledandnoddedatmebeforesigningherreply.IwatchedinfascinationhowswiftlytheyconversedinalanguageIknewnothingof.Annewatchedtheconversationwithapleasantsmile,butIcouldtellshewasnotpleasedtoseeme;whenshecaughtmestaringather,shemetmygazesquarely,withicydispleasureevidentinhereyes.
“Shesaysshe’sgladtomeetyouandshe’sdoinggreat,nowthatshe’smetPapa’sfuturewife,”Erictoldmewithagrin.IglancedquicklyatAnneandsawherflinch.
“Girlfriend,justgirlfriend,”Iblurted.Eric’slipsthinned.
Annestoodup.“I’mgoingtogiveyouallsomespace,”shesaid.“I’llbebackinanhour.”
“Allright,”Ericreplied.AnnekissedDianaandthengaveEricaverypossessivehugbeforeleaving.
“She’snice,”Isaid,lying.
Ericshrugged.“You’llgetalongsoonenough,”hesaidwithanunconcernedair.
“Anyway,nowthatyou’rehere,feelfreetoaskheranyquestionsyouwant.I’llsignittoher.Ican’tguaranteetheveracityofmyresponsesifDianaherebad-mouthsme,but…”Hewinkedatme,anincongruousmoveonhispart,andIlaughed.
SothenexthourflewbyasDianaandIconversedwithEricasthemiddleman.Itwasn’tevenstrange,afterawhile.MostlyIwatchedthemsigningtoeachother.Therewassomuchloveinhisfacethatitshowedmeawholenew,verydesirablesidetoEricDeng,asideIwishedIcouldseemoreoften,thisvulnerabilityandopenness.ThisFamilyMansideofhim.
It’skindofhot.
8:30p.m.Whenhesuggestedgoingtohavedinneratafriend’srestaurant,ItoldhimthatIdidn’twantdinner,whichImustsayisunusualforme.IplacedmyhandonhisthighandsaidIwantedtoshowhimmine.
Myroom,thatis.
“Butyou’veneverofferedtoshowmeyourroombefore,”hesaid,surprised.“Youwouldn’tevenletmehaveapeekatyourFourthofJulyparty.”
“That’sbecausebackthen,nomanwho’dseenthesizeofmyclosetwouldhavewantedanythingtodowithme.ButeversinceJasongavemeabookbyMarieKondo,I’vegottenmuchbetterwithstuff.Besides”—Imovedthathandallthewayup,up—“Idon’tintendtospendalotoftimeinthecloset.”
HeflooredthatMaserati(asmuchasonecan“floor”aMaseratiinSingapore)andweweretogetheralonechezmoiforthefirsttimesincewestartedgoingout.Iledhimstraighttomybedroom,wherewedidnothingnew;yet,somehow,everythingbetweenuswasdifferent.MaybebecauseIdidn’tholdhimatarms’lengthemotionally,maybebecauseIfinallysawwhatkindofmanEricwas—alovelyShrek-yonionmanmadeoflayersofcontradictionsandcomplexity,butinterlacedwithtenderness.Thephysicalityoftheactwaswroughtnotjustoutofmechanicalpassion,buttemperedwithnewrespectandunderstanding.
Attheendofoneparticularlyintensemoment,hepaused,lookeddeepintomyeyesandaskedmetosayyestobeinghisforever.
“I’myours,”Isaid.AndImeantit.41
Sunday25September
7:30p.m.GotastrangetextfromSuresh,whomustbebackinJakartabynow.Itsaid:Imissyou.SurelyhemeanttosendittoAnousha?
Ideletedit.
9:30p.m.DeletedTinderandSponk,bothofwhichI’dbeentoyingaroundwithfromtimetotime.WhywasIlookingatprofilesandwastingtime?Ihadalreadyfoundmyman.IfIbelievedthat,thenIshouldactlikeit.
11:20p.m.DeletedCandyCrush.Goodbye,oldfriend.
Thisdeletionhasnothing,ofcourse,todowiththefactthatI’vebelatedlydiscoveredAngryBirds.SomemillennialI’mturningouttobe.42
Monday26September
DearDiary,somethingamazinghappenedtoday—averitablepartnership-savingmiracle.
IwasscrollingthroughTLTS’sInstagramwhenIgotamessageonLinkedInfromastrangercalledMohdUsmanAriff.Thinkingitwassomeonefromarecruitmentagencyorperhapsanadmirer,Iopenedit.
Itwasmyformerclassmatefromlawschool,who’dgonebyUziformostofuni(itwasadifferenttimebackthen,asimpler,lesspolarizedtime).IrememberedUsmanfondlybecausehegraduatedfifthintheyearaboveme.Andwemightormightnothavemadeoutinsomefresher’sparty.Whatever.
Sawyournameinsomeofmyfiles,broughtbacksomegoodmemories,justthoughtI’dsayhi.
Ismiledandreplied:
Beenalongtime.Where’reyouslummingitnow?
Hereplied:
ChapelTown.
Shit.
Listen,IjusttookoverfromthepreviousgeneralcounselwholeftafterthedeathofCharlestonSr.,readupontheVizWaretransaction(amongothers)asthebossiskeentoexamineallthelooseendsfromthisyeartoseeifhecansalvageanythingoutofit,andtheVizWaretransactionisonehe’sparticularlycuriousabout.FromwhatIcanreadandmyrecentchatswithLangford-Bauer,GenevieveandSuresh—
Ohno,Ithought.
—itseemslikeChapelTown,underCharlestonSr.,madeamistakeinpullingoutandicingthedeal,whichisanopinionCharlestonJr.andIappeartoshare.Butwedon’tknowtheinsandoutsofthisdealentirelyasthere’sbeenamassdefectionsinceCharlestonSr.passed.Sowe’dliketospeaktotheleadcoordinatingcounsel,i.e.,you,tohaveafullerpicture,inpersonifyouagree.CharlestonJr.insistsondoingbusinessinperson.Ifhelikeswhathehears,thewholethingcanmoveforwardrelativelyquickly.ItmightnotgoanywhereonVizWare’sside,butwe’reconfidentitwill.Thegoodthingis,lastweheard,VizWarehasnotbeencourtinganyoneelse,sothere’shopeyet.Andvis-à-visourfriendsatSungguh,iftheyarekeentocomeonboardagain,I’mgoingtosuggesttothemthatwepreferifyouareputasleadcoordinatingcounselforthetransactioninsteadofGenevieve,who’sali’l…erratic.
Wow,Ityped,stunned.That’sgreat.OfcourseIcanflyover,ifyousignanengagementletter.
Ofcourse.Yourtimeisvaluable.
Thankyou.You’rethebest.
No,*you*are.
Iacceptyourdeference,serf.ButwhatIdon’tunderstandis—youwantedtoreinstateme*after*speakingwithallthreeofthem?
Yes*wryfaceemoji*GenevieveandLangford-Bauerwereroyalpainsinthebutt,andbitchedaboutyousothoroughlyIfeltashamedonyourbehalf.AsforSuresh—
Isteeledmyself.AndtriedtoignoretheKegelmyheartjustdidathisname.
—Sureshtoldme,offtherecord,thatyouwerethebrainsbehindthewholeoperation.AndthatwaswhywhentheyaskedtotakeyouoffthefileatSungguh,hetoldthemhewouldprefertobetakenoffitaswell.
Ah.That’s…niceofhim.
Anyway,thatinternationaltaxcolleagueofyours,Langford-Bauer?He’sgoingtohavetocomeaswell,asCharlestonJr.alsowantsabriefingontheappropriatestructureforhisinvestmentinVizWare.Hedoesn’ttrusttheoldguard’srecommendations.
Alittleshaken,IthankedUsmanandsaidIwouldwaitforhisupdate.
SoSureshhadnevertriedtousurpmyplace.He’dnevereventriedtobackstabme.Ihadbeentheoneprojectingallthosenastyimpulsesonhim.
Hecouldn’thelpwhohisfuturewifeisrelatedto,andIshould’vegivenhimthebenefitofdoubtwhenheassertedthathewasn’tmilkinghistieswithhisfuturein-laws.
AllofasuddenIfeltlikeagiantLangford-Bauermyself.IwishedSureshwasaroundsoIcouldapologizetohimforgettingthesituationcompletelywrong.Sureshwasadecentguy—I’dmetsofewofthoseinmycareerthatI’dmissedthesigns.
AfterIwroteastifflywordedemailtoMong(Iwasgivinghimthecoldshoulderstill,althoughIthinkhe’smystifiedbythereasonforit)toupdatehimonthisdevelopment,IdroppedSureshatextonhisprivatenumberandapologizedforthinkinghe’dbackstabbedme,andthatithadbeenabitcomplicatedbetweenusafterLuxembourg,forwhich
Theresponsewasswift:
ThisisAnousha.YoustayawayfromSureshifyouknowwhat’sgoodforyou.43
Saturday1October
October.Blergh.Eventhenamesoundsicky.
Ock-toh-ber.
Anyway,tonightisdatenightwithEric,wholandedlatelastnightfromParis.Weweregoingtoanewrestaurantthathisfriend,acelebritychefofsomerenown,hadjustopened.
Itriedtogethimtodowngradethemeal(followingthatrealizationpost-convowithSureshthatIreallywasbeingsugared,justalittle)tohawkerfood,tellinghimaboutthisbakchormeeplaceI’dheardmycolleaguesravingabout,buthelaughedinmyface.“Idon’teathawkerfood,mydear,”hesaid,wavingoffmyprotests.
HepickedmeupinaglossymidnightblueRolls-RoycethatI’dnotseenbefore.
“Newcar?”Ijoked.
“Yes,”hesaid,notjoking.“Ijustpickeditupthismorning.”
Ididn’treply.Sometimesitwassohardtorelate.“Ihaveasurprise,”Erictoldme.“We’regoingtobejoinedbysomeonespecial.”Hepickedupmyrightpalmandsqueezedit.“Don’t,asyouyoungpeoplesay,freakout.”
Myheartsomersaulted.Wasitanotherscaryrelative?OrmaybeitwasDianaagain!AsmuchasIcould,Istartedtuckingdownmyboobs,flatteningthemintomybra.IcouldtellEricwasamused,butIdidn’tcare.Stepmothersdidn’thaveboobs—theyhavebosoms,maternalonesthathadnodistinctpersonality,muchlikeagentlyusedspeedbump.
Whenwegottotherestaurant,wewereusheredintoacornerbooth.Atall,lithewomanwithunnaturallypaleskinandjet-blackhairwasalreadythere,resplendentinamauvesheathdress.Shewassippingherteaandscrollingthroughherphonewhenshenoticedourapproachandstooduptogreetus.
“Hello,youmustbeAndrea.MynameisEsther,”saidthemysterywoman,extendingherhandforahandshake.
“Estheris,um,mylawyer,”Ericsaid,alittlesheepish.
“Oh,”Isaid,instantlyjealous.
Ericclearedhisthroat.“She’salsomy,ah,stepsister.”
ThereliefIfeltwaspalpable;Ihopeditdidn’tshowinmyface.Ofcourse.“Pleasedtomeetyou,”Isaid,shakingherhand.Esthergraspedmyhandwithaviselikegrip,herglitteryringsdiggingintomyflesh.Hereyeswerehard,almostcold,evenashersmilewaswide.Shewasveryattractiveinamanicured,varnishedwaypeculiartomanyoftheTatlerjetset:hairandmakeupperfect;facialflawsbuffedawaybyacarefulsurgeon;clothesdiscreetlyluxuriousandtailoredalmosttoafault.“Soyou’rethewomanmybrotherhasbeenseeing,”shesaid,givingmeaswiftonce-overwithoutblinking.
“Hmm,”Irepliednoncommittally;conversely,Ihadnotheardofhertilltoday.
Ericclearedhisthroatandstoodup.“I’llspeaktoJacknow,”hesaid,referringtothecelebritychef.Heleftusinwhathethoughtwasanonchalantmanner,butIcouldseefromhishurriedfootstepsthathewaseagertogivehissisterroomtodoherthing.Isteeledmyselfforwhatcouldonlybeanunpleasantfact-findingexpedition.
“I’msureyouhavequestionsforme,”Isaid,assoonasErichadleft,cuttingheroffbeforeshecouldspeak.“Goahead.I’manopenbook.”
Shenoddedapprovingly.“Icouldseethatyouareano-nonsensetypeofwoman.That’sgood.Now,Iknowthatthingsbetweenyouhaveprogressedquitefar;Erictellsmeheisquitesmittenwithyouandhewantstomaketherelationshipofficial.Heisevenconsideringmarryingyou.Hashetoldyouthat?”
“N-notinthoseexactwords,”Ihedged.
“HasErictoldyouabouthislast…dalliance,andthearrangementhehaswiththewoman?”
Inoddedmutely.
“Ifyouhavechildren,youshouldknowthatDianawillstillbetreatedlikealegitimatechildwhenitcomestomattersofinheritance.Shewillbethefirstborn,andyourchildren,ifyouhaveany,willhavetoacknowledgeherclaim.Youmustagreetothesetermsbeforeyoucanmarryintoourfamily.Therewillbeanagreementyou’llhavetosign.”
Myfaceflushed.“I-Ihaven’teven,Imean,thisis…”Istoodup.“Look,myrelationshipwithEricisstillinitsearlydays.Idon’tknowwhyhefeltitnecessarytodiscussthisatthisstage.Thisisridiculous.Didheputyouuptothis?Well,ifhedidyoushouldlethimknowinthefuturetodiscussthiswithmefirst.”Ipushedmychairbackandmadetoleaveuntilshegrabbedmywrist.
“Honey,”Esthersaid,hervoicesoftening,“Ithinkit’sbecausehewantstoproposetoyou…tonight.”
“What?”Isaid,justasthelightsweredimmedandSade’svocalsboomedacrosstheroom.Peoplewhooped.
“Tonight…Icelebratemyloveforyoouuu,”shesang,justasEricwalkedoutwithahugecakedecoratedwithfabuloussugarpeonies,litwithagoldcandle.Awaiterfollowedbehindwithalargebottleofchampagneinabucketandsparklerssendingsilveryflowerseverywhere.
“Ohcrap,”Isaid,myvoicefalteringwhenIsawwhatwaswrittenonthecake.
Itsaid,“Let’sgetmarried.”(Yes,withafullstop.)Afrissonofannoyanceregisteredinmyconsciousness.Itwasso…presumptuous.He’dnotevenphraseditasaquestion;itwasastatementatbest,withoutevena“prettyplease”tosoftenit.Youcouldsayitsoundedlikeacommand.
Butthenhewasinfrontofmeandhewasholdingaringwithwhatlookedlikeadiamondaslargeasathumbnailandmyangerlevelsnosedivedquiterapidly.Peoplewereclappingandcheeringasheclaspedmebymyshouldersandkissedmedeeply.Inhisdeep,powerfulvoice,heasked,“Willyoudomethehonorofmarryingme,AndreaTang?”
Andthereitwas.Theromantic,publicmarriageproposal.Everywoman’sdream,right?Right?Ihesitated,staringattheridiculouslylargediamond.Icouldfeelthetensionrisingintheroomwitheverypassingsecondinwhichnothingwassaid.Iknewwhatwasexpectedofme,butIcouldn’tdoit.WasthisreallywhatIwanted?Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtoshutoutmyaudience.
Forsomestrangereason,IsawGenevieve.Shewassmilingatmeandmouthingsomethingaboutthematrix.ItwassofreakyIopenedmyeyesandgavemyselfashake.
“Willyoumarryme?”Ericsaidagain,smiling,justtheslighteststeelunderscoringhisrequest.Thehushthathadfallenoverthescenewasalmostunbearable.Itcarriedinitthehopeofeverysingleancestorwatchingovermeatthatinstant.Icouldhearthesparklersfizzinginthesilence.Someone’sphonebuzzedanditwassilencedwitharapidityyouwouldnotgetthesedaysevenduringafuneralwake.
“Well?Whatwillitbe?”Ericsaidinalowvoice,and,itmustbesaid,notveryromantically.
ItookadeepbreathanddidtheonlythingIcouldunderthecircumstances:IsaidyesasloudasIcould,thenleanedoverandsaidtoEric,sottovocebutveryfirmly,“I’llthinkaboutit.”PartIVNOFLUKE44
Sunday2October
9:50a.m.“You’llthinkaboutit?”Lindashrieked.“ThatwasyouranswertoamarriageproposalfromEricfuckingDeng?”
“We’restillintheearlydaysofourrelationship.Plusheambushedme,”Isaidbetweencool,calminggulpsofbargain-binPinotGrigio.“ItwasthebestIcoulddounderthewatchfuleyesofthirtydiners!Apparentlysomeofthemwerehisclosestbusinesspartners!”Imadeaface.
“Well,Ithinkit’sbrave,”Jasonsaid.
“Shutup,suck-up,”Lindasaid,succinctinhermeannessasalways.
“Settledown,youtwo,”Isaidcompanionably.
JasonandIweresprawledontheL-shapedcouch,himwithaglassoftapwater,mewithabottleofPinotGrigiothathehadpurchasedfromthelocalconveniencestore.LindawasonFaceTimewithusfromLisbon;ostensiblyshewastheretomeetwithsomeclients,butreallyshewaslivingitupwithsomeFilipinojet-setfriendsofhersfromboardingschool.AtleastshewasmakingeveryeffortagaintobethereformewhenIneededher:wehadpromisedeachotheronceuponatimethatwewouldFaceTimewheneveroneofussentoutanemojiofashark.AkindofBat-Signal.IhadsentoneoutassoonasIgothome,butshewasonlyabletoreplytomesixhourslatertoconfirmthatshecouldspeakat9:00a.m.Singaporetime,andnowherewewere.NeitherJasonnorIhadhadmuchsleep(I’dputoutanearly-morningSOSforcompanyatmyplaceonthegroupchatandhe’dcomeoverwithliquidbreakfast,thedoll),andwewerenowFaceTimingwhile(Iwas)drinking.
“Allthesame,althoughthingsaremovingreallyfast,itfeelsnatural.Weseemtobeinagoodplace,andI’vealreadymethisdaughter.”
“So,areyougoingtomarryEricorwhat?”Lindapressed.“Andwhenareyouexpectedtogiveananswer?”
“Intwoweeks,apparently.”
“Itdoesn’tseemright,tohavetotaketwoweekstothinkoveramarriageproposal.”
“Touché,sister.ButtwoweeksisallIcouldget.”
“Imeant,youshouldn’thavetotakesolong,youdope.”
“She’sgotapoint,”Jasonsaid,makingaface.“But,seriously,doyouevenlovehim?”
“Idolovehim,”Isaidsincerely.“Icouldbehappywithhim.”
“Youcouldbehappywithavibrator,honey,”Lindasaid.“That’showIgetthoughmymanlessdays.”
Irolledmyeyes.
“Anyway,I’vegottogo.We’reattendingaprivateafter-partyhostedbyoneoftheSaudiprinces,Ibelieve.SomeonetoldmeDavidGuettaisspinning.”
“OnlyDavidGuetta?”Isaidsarcastically.
“Ithink”—shewasdistractedlyputtingonmascarawhileFaceTimingme—“Rihanna’ssupposedtomakeanappearanceaswell,buttheveryleastwecanhopeforisMaroon5minusAdamLevine.”
AfterwehadsaidourgoodbyesandJasonleft,IsatinthedarkandwatchedYouTubevideosofcatsdoingfunnythingswhiledoingupaprosandconslistformarryingEricsoearlyinourrelationship.NotthatIcouldconcentrate.Ikepttweakingthelist.Can’tsayI’vefoundanythingmoregratifyingintheproscolumnthan“foreverbeatingHelen.”
11:05p.m.AndreaDeng.AndreaTang-Deng.Mrs.Deng.
11:47p.m.It’sjustimpossibletodecideintwoweeks.Mostlybecausethisissonew.Normallycouplesdateforatleastayear,thentheymoveintogether,roughitfortwoyears,thengetengaged.Thatistheproperprogression…
12:05a.m.Oooh,knockonthedoor!
3:17a.m.WasEricinasuit.AtfirstIwasalittleannoyed,sincewewerenotsupposedtoseeeachotherduringthesetwoweekssoIcouldhavesomespacetothink.ApparentlyameetinginJakartahadbeencanceled,sohe’ddecidedtoflybacktosurprisemeonhiswaytoMalaysia.He’dcomebearingalushbouquetofdahlias,champagne,andahandwritten
“Andspeakingoffamily,here’soneofthereasonsIcamebacktoSingaporetoday.”Hetooksomethingoutofthepocketofhissuitjacket.“Here,”hesaid,handingittome.
Ilookeddown,stunned.ItwasmyCartierwatch,mygraduationgiftfrommyparents,theonethatOrsonhadfilched.“I-Idon’t…Idon’tunderstand.”Ikeptcaressingthewatch.“Imean,how?”
“Igotitbackforyoufromthe..boywho’dstolenitfromyou.”
ApparentlynottoolongafterI’dcasuallymentionedOrsonatourfirstandonlygroupdate,he’daskedLindaformoredetailsattheFourthofJulyparty,andusedhiscontactsinthePIindustrytotrackOrsonusingaphotothatIhadsenttoourWhatsAppgroupatLGAandwhichLindahadforwarded.IthadbeendifficulttotrackOrson,sincehedidn’treallyfrequentthesamespottwice,oratleasthedidn’tfollowanyroutine.“WhenmyPIfinallyfoundhimatoneofthebars,hefollowedhimtohisHDB*flat,and—”
“Karatechoppedhim?”Iinterruptedeagerly.
Hesmiled,hiseyestwinkling.“Hetookouthisphoneandthreatenedtostartlivestreamingunlesshelistened.HegaveOrsonanultimatum.Eithergivebackthewatchorhewouldlivebroadcasthisfaceandaddressonalltheforumssoallthewomenwhohe’dstolenfromcantakelegalaction—orotherwise.”Nowhewasgrinning.
“Thatisanawesomethreat,”Ihadtoadmit.“Whatdidhesay?”
“Atfirsthedidn’tknowwhichwatchmyPIwasreferringto.Hewasconfused.Turnsoutthisguyhasbeenrunninglovescamsforsometime.ItwasonlywhenthePItoldhimthewatchmodelandtheinscriptiononthebackthatherememberedwhichonewasyours.Saidthathehadn’tmanagedtopawnitbecauseofthatinscription,sohehadbeenholdingontoit.Andnowhereitis.”
Iwassotouched,notjustbythelengthshewenttotopleasemebutbythelevelofattentionhepaidtotheseeminglyrandomthingsIsaidtohim,thatIstartedtocry.“Thankyou.Thankyousomuch.”
Hekissedthetopofmyhead.“You’rewelcome.Listen,I’vebeenthinkingabouthowIwentaboutaskingyoutomarryme.I’msorryIsprungthewholeengagementthingonyou,”hemurmuredinmyhair.“Iknowit’sfast,andwe’resupposedtodothingsacertainway,butIcan’timaginewaitingaroundtwomoreyearsjustsoit’sappropriatetopopthequestion.YouknowI’madecisiveperson,andAndrea,Iknowit’syouthatIwant.”
Ifoundithardtospeak,soIkissedhim.
SincehehadanearlyflighttoMalaysiaandIhadtoworkinafewhours,heleftsometimearoundthree.Hisvisithadleftmekeyedup,soIeschewedsleepanddecidedtogoforararejog,figuringthattheexercisewouldhelpmethink.Icouldn’tunderstandwhyIwasonthefenceaboutEric—wasitbecauseitjustfelttoosoon?Thathadtobeit.Objectivelyspeaking,Erichadsomanygoodqualitiesitwashardtokeepcount:intelligent,caring,worldly,agoodfather,afamilyman,and,let’sbehonest,wealthy.Andhewastotallydevotedtome.
ThemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreitmadesensetocommittoEric.Thebirdinthehandisworthnoneinthebush,obviously.AndobviouslyIwouldwinforeveroverHelenifImarriedEric.BillionaireandofChinesedescent.
AndifIcouldtimeitsoI’dgetpregnantimmediatelyafterthewedding,andannounceitrightbeforeHelen’swedding…
Ahaha.Ahahaha!45
Monday3October
7:08a.m.AndreaTang-Deng.AndreaDeng.AndreaDeng-Tang.
7:25a.m.Let’stryitout:Goodmorning,Mrs.AndreaDeng!Hmm.Hasaniceringtoit.
8:35a.m.OK,soifI’mgoingtosayyes,thenIguessIshouldconsidermyselfengaged.ShouldIstartplanningtheweddingalready?Willjusttakeapeekatsomeweddingsites.AlsoitmightmakesensetobookFullertonASAPontheauspiciousdatesI’dlikeforthewedding,preferablybeforeHelen’sdate.
8:37a.m.HahawillgetmarriedtwomonthsbeforeHelenhahahahaon18thMarchhahahaa!
9:15a.m.Shit,justgotoffthephonewiththemanagerinchargeofFullerton’sballroomrentaland,afteranalmostinaudiblesniff,shetoldme18thMarchisnotavailableasitalreadyhasfourweddingsbookedonthatday.ApparentlyIshouldhavebookedayearagoifIwantedtogetmarriedonaparticulardate,especiallyonethatwasauspicious.
“Well,”Isaidhuffilytothegirlatreception,“ifIhadknownI’dbegettingmarriedayearago,I’dnothavegonetoAuntieWeiWei’sCNYdowithLinda,wouldI?”
Ofcourse,thepoorwomanhadnoideawhatIwasonabout,butthat’sthekindofoutburstyouhavetodealwithwhenyoumanthefriggin’reservationslineforballrooms.
9:20a.m.Mrs.AndreaDeng.Mrs.AndreaTang-Deng.Hmm.MaybeI’lljustkeepmymaidenname.Howwillpotentialclientsknowthatitisme,AndreaTangofthe“40MostInfluentialLawyersUnder40”?
OHSHIT!Amlateforwork!
9:57a.m.Gottoworklatebutnoonewaslookingforme.Thepartnerswereontheirannualpartners’retreat,sotheatmosphereintheofficewasrelaxed.
10:05a.m.ToldKaiaboutmynews.Sheshriekedandhuggedme.Ithenputheronamissiontofindmeasuitablevenueforfivehundredguestson18March.#priorities
10:08a.m.Hmm,justrealizedthatEricmightwantmorethanfivehundredguests.
10:10a.m.IliterallyhavenoideawhatkindofweddingEricwouldwant.Notthathehasachoice.Eric’safive-hundred-guests-or-morekindofguy,bydefault.It’sabusinesswedding.
10:13a.m.IfIweremarryingsomeonelessimpressive,I’dprobablywantonlythreehundredpeopleatmywedding,ifeven.Lessthanonehundredifithadbeenstrictlyuptome.Itwouldbeheldsomewhereremote,onabeach;thevibewouldbecasual:corksandals,floppybeachhats,linensuits;asoftlybeadedClairePettibonedress;mymotherinrestraints
10:28a.m.Ishouldtellthegirls.ButI’msomehowveryreluctant.Ishouldwait.Tomorrow’sVal’shennight.Seemsabitgauchetotalkaboutmynews.Yeah,that’sright.
10:40a.m.CalledMelissaandValandJasonandtextedeveryoneelseinmywidergroupoffriendswhohadn’theardabouttheproposalwhenIfoundoutthatKaihadbasicallytoldeveryoneonallhersocialmediaplatforms(excludingLinkedIn,atleast)thatherbosswasfinallyengaged(withoutnamingnames,butstill,whoelsecoulditbe—Suresh?),evenwhennothingisofficialyet.Honestly,isnothingsacredwithGenerationZ?
HesitatedintextingSuresh.Didn’t.Figuredhe’salreadyawaresinceheisfriendswithKaionFacebook.
EveryoneIcontactedwasapparentlystillunaware.ThankGodforthesocialmediadigitaldivide.Meansverylikelyolderbosseswillnotknowaboutthepotentialengagementuntilafterthepartnershipdecisionismade,andwillnotbeunfairlybiasedagainstmygendermorethantheyalreadyare(approximately20percentoftheequitypartnersinmyfirmarewomen—it’sprettyappalling).
6:00p.m.SnuckoutoftheofficeearlyandwenttotheDungeon(anundergroundbar/restaurantintheCBDfavoredbytraders)tograbacoupleofdrinkswithLinda,whojustgotbackfromLisbon.
IlovetheDungeon.Thewholeplacewassweatywithtestosteroneandthesultrymuskofsuccessfulpeople.Iwadedintotherichpheromonepondandsankintoitblissfully,knowingI,too,wouldsoonbesprayingthescentofmysuccessintotheolfactorystew.
9:43p.m.Drinkngwattrrv.slowly.Ncemanholdifgstrawtofface.Watercold.Mustnotppuk
Oops.Toolate.
11:15p.m.Willneverdrinkagain.
Tuesday4October
6:40a.m.Mustdrinkagain.Intwelvehours.Orbadfriend.Urgh.Floorrushinguptoface,mustnot—
Oopsie.
8:05a.m.Amatwork.Mustnotdie.
9:11a.m.Kaihandedmeabottleofcoconutwaterandwhatshesaysis“likeavitaminBpill,really.”Shegavemethreeotherstotakesomethingorotherblahblahurghhungover.
10:05a.m.Amfeelinggreat!ListeningtoBrunoMarsonrepeat!AmgladIhaveSpotifyPremium!!
10:25a.m.Mongopenedthedoortomedoingaplank!Whynot?Helpsmethink.Althoughhedidnotlooktoopleased.“Ishealthnotpartofwork?”Iaskedhim.Hesaidyes,veryhesitantly.Toassurehim,ItoldhimIwasstillontheclockwithoneofour“favorite”clients.Hechuckledandleftme,stillinplank.BossGreat!
2:07p.m.HavehadanothertwovitaminBpillstwentyminutesagoandaRedBullasenergywasflagging!Kaisaiddon’tmixwithcaffeine,butshe’sanuptightPilatesvegan!Caffeineislegaldrug,everyoneknows!
4:00p.m.Kaihasnomorepills.ShesaidIwassupposedtotakeonepillonceeverysixhours,buthowwasIsupposedtoknow?
4:57p.m.Pleaseletmedieinpeace,isallIask.
10:45p.m.Metatsixp.m.atLeLuxe,aFrenchfusionrestaurantwhereweweresupposedtocelebrateVal’shennight.OnafreakingTuesday.WTF,Iknow.
OneofVal’sworkfriends,Jessie,astarched-faceformerbeautyqueenandbitter,brokedivorcéeofacasinotycoon,hadbeencoercedintoorganizingtheshindigforValerieandagangoftengirlfriends.Thewholethingwasamessfromstarttofinish,shambolicandflat.Afteralacklusterdinner,wewenttoK-Suites,akaraokebar,andsang,well,attemptedtosingbecausemostofVal’sfriends(exceptLinda,myself,andanotherwomanwhosenameI’veforgotten)wereallintheirfortiesandfifties,rich(orpretendingtheywere),andaddictedtosurgery;mostofthemhadhadsomuchworkdonetotheirfacesitwaslikewatchingconcretestretch.Theymimedsingingasmuchastheycould
Lindashouldhaveorganizedit.ShewouldhavebookedatableatsomeLesAmisrestaurant,dousedusincocktailsandchampagne,thenbroughtusoutforanightofIronicClubbingàlaMamboJumboatZouk.Shewouldneverhavebroughtustothisplace.ButLindawasonlyaguest,andJessierulediron-fistedovertheproceedings,brookingnoargumentandallowingnodeviationsfromheritinerary.Shewantedblandricepuddinghennight,andweweregoingtogetitnomatterwhat.
Butguesswhat?Valeriegenuinelyseemednottocare.Sheatetheblandfoodinthatboringrestaurantandshebeltedheroff-keywayoveroneBublésongafteranotherwithoutholdingback.Thisfromthewomanwhowassocarefulandprotectiveaboutherimagethatsheonceex-communicatedafriendwhohadletslipthatshewasAirbnb-ingherbeautifulRiverValleyapartment(thuslettingherotherfrenemiesknowthatsheneededthemoney).Iwatchedher,andenviedher.Shehadalmostalwaysbelievedinlovedespiteallherodds,andshehadfinallybeenrewardedwithherhappilyeverafter.Theonlythingthatwouldcompleteherworldnowwashergettingpregnant,andattherateshewasgoing,who’stosayitwasn’tpossible?She’dbethenextSophieB.Hawkins!AndLinda,evenLinda—Linda,theLethargicinLove—hadfoundherversionofhappiness.WhereasI—whatwasIdestinedforifIsaidyestoEricDeng?
11:30p.m.DespiteJessie’sbestattempts,westillhadadecentnightoutandIwasalittletipsybytenp.m.(fine,verytipsy)andmademyexcusestoleaveasIhadaclosingthatweek.IwasstrugglingtoopenmydoorwhenIreceivedatextfromSuresh:
I’mbackintownforaweek,willbeworkingfromSingapore.Couldwetalk?Needyouradviceonsomethingpersonal.It’surgent.
AndIthought,Let’stalknow,whynot?Itoldhimtocomeovertomyplace,sinceIwastheonelivingalone.
Alone.Wewouldbealoneinmyplace.Theideawasoddlydestabilizing,ormaybeitwasthealcohol.
MyheartwaspoundingwhenIopenedthedoor.“Heythere,stranger,”Isaid.Ibeckonedhimtocomein.“You’reuplate.”
“Sorrytohavetextedyouatthishour,butI’vegotbignewsandIwantedtoaskyouropinion.”
Itrailedhimtothelivingroominasemi-daze.Hewasdressedinawhitesingletandafilmy,clingypairoftrackpants.Theeffectwasveryarresting.Iforcedmyselftostareathischest.Hisveryexposedchest.Cometothinkofit,Iwasn’tmuchbetter.IlookeddownandrealizedIwaswearingaT-shirtandapairofgymshorts,whichshowedalotofleg.
Wewerebothtryinghardnottostareateachother’sbodiesinanAdam-and-Eve-post-forbidden-applescene.Buttoadmittoouruncomfortablenesswastoadmitthatwefoundeachother’ssemi-nakednessaffecting,andneitherofuswaswillingtodothat.
“So,what’sup?”Isaid,casuallyplacingmylefthandagainstthecountertostabilizemyself.
Hecaughtsightofmyengagementring(I’dslippeditonatworkbeforeleaving,maybebecauseoftai-taipeerpressureorsomething—thatrockishuge)andhislipsthinned.“Arecongratsinorder?”
“On?”Iasked,alittleconfused.
“Lookslikesomeoneproposed?”Hisfacewasexpressionless.“Anyway—congrats.”
Iflushed.“Oh,erm,actuallyIhaven’tacceptedhisproposal,but,yes,heasked.”
“Right,”hesaid,pointedlylookingatmyring.
“Iwaswearingtheringforfun.Imeanttotellyouabouthisproposal,butyouweren’taround.Itjust…feltinappropriatetotellyouoverWhatsApporemail,youknow…”Iwasblabbering.
“Sonothingissetinstone?”Sureshsaid,hisliptwitching.
Ilaughed.“No,nothingis.”Weweresmilingateachothernow.Iquicklychangedthesubject.“Whatdidyoucomeheretotalktomeabout?Yousaidyouneededadvice.”
“Ido.”Hedrewashudderybreathandexhaled.“I’vebeenofferedrepresentation!”
“What?”
“TLTS!SomeonefromafancyliteraryagencyDMedmeandtoldmetheyloveit,andIdidsomeresearchontheagent,he’sbigandlegit,soIsignedwithhim.HeandhisteamthinkTLTSisgoingtobebig.”
“Wow,”Isaid,clappingexcitedly.“Congratulations!Youdeserveit,you’resotalented.”
“Thankyou,”hesaid,hiseyesshiningbuthisvoiceserious.
Somethingelsewasup.“Whatisit?”Iasked,alittleafraid.
“They’resayingthatthere’spotentialforittobemadeintoaseriesofbooks,web-toons,maybeevenamovie,ifwe’relucky…butthatIshouldtakesometimeofftoreallyworkonthedebutgraphicnovel.”Hiseyesmetmine.“AndI’mreally,reallytempted.Thisismychance—strikewhiletheironishot,andall.SowhatI’msayingis…I-IthinkIshouldquit,”hesaid.
“Wow.”Abombshell.“This…thisisgreatnews,”Isaid,mythoughtsspinning.
“Whatdoyouthink?BecauseNoushtoldmeIwascrazyforeventhinkingthat.ThatI’dbestupidtoquit.There’snoguaranteeI’dbemakingwhatImakenow.Orthatit’llturnouttobeanythingotherthanaflashinthepan.Maybethisisimpostersyndrometalking,but…butI’mafraidI’mnotasgoodastheythinkIam,”headmittedquietly.
“What?You’rebeingridiculous.Ofcourseyou’reasgoodastheysayyouare—better,even!Andofcourseyoushouldgoforit—you’dbecrazynotto!Andnotjustbecauseyou’remycompetition.Ithinkoneofusshouldbehappyintheircareer,atleast.”
Hesquintedatme.“Andrea,doyouhearyourself?Youjustadmittedthatyouarenothappy.”
Istaredathim.“Yup.And?”
“Ifyou’renothappy,whycontinuebeingalawyer?Youshouldquit,too.”
“That’sridiculous.Tonsofpeopleareinthesamepredicament,butwe—Ihavenochoice.Youcanaffordtoquitbecauseyouhaveoptions.”
“You’retheonewho’ssupertalented.Andsmart.Andamazing,”hesaid,hisvoiceunsteady.“Andrea,Idon’tknowhowmuchclearerIcanputit:youhaveallthechoice.You’rethebetterlawyerofthebothofus.”
Asaresponse,Iwenttohimandhuggedhim.Tightly.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadactuallyhadclose,prolongedphysicalcontactwithhim,afterLuxembourg.Hefelt…warm.Safe.Muscular.Hereturnedthehugandnowwewerecompletelyenmeshed.Icouldsmelltheearthycinnamonscentofhisskin.Mmm.Ilockedeyeswithhimandflushed.Hewassoattractivewithhisvelvet,honey-coloredeyesandlongBambilashes.Andthosesoft,cotton-candypinklips.Everyneuroninmyalcohol-addledbrainwassuddenlyscreamingatmeto—
Mystomachemittedaloudrumble.
—eat.OhGod,Iwassohungry.
Iletgoofhimandstaggeredtothekitchen.Ifoundabunchofhalf-blackbananasandproceededtopeelonebeforesmashingit,somewhatofftarget,intomymouthhole.
“Youwantone?”Isaid,makingsurehehadagoodviewofmymastication.AllthebettertoturnhimoffsothatIdidn’thavetodealwithhowmuchIwantedhimrightthenandthere.
“Nothanks,”hesaidevenly.
Iopenedthefridgedoor,tookoutajarofpossiblyexpiredpickledonions,andbeganusingmyfingerstotransferthemintomymouth.Regrettably,theydidindeedtasteliketheyhadexpired,whichIvisuallyconfirmedwhenIlookedintothejarandfoundthetelltalefilmofmold.
Irantothesinkandbeganspittingthewholemessup.
“Ireallyshouldgo,”Sureshsaid.
“Wait,”Isaid,suddenlyfrantic.“Err,I…”
“Look,justgetsomerest.We’lltalksomeothertime.”
“Thanks,”Isaid,curtly,extendingmyhandinaweirdlyformalgesture.
“You’rewelcome,”hesaid,shakingit.
Wewerebothsqueezingeachother’shandsohard,itbroughtbackmemoriesofourfirsthandshake,whenwewereeachtryingtoshowdominanceovertheother.
“Goodnight,”hesaid,likeadogwithabone.
“Goodnight,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth,notlettinggo.
“Counttothree?”Hegasped,asIincreasedpressure.
Iwincedandnodded.“Onthecountofthree.One,two,three!”
Weletgoatthesametimewithsimultaneouswhooshesofrelief.
“Well,”hesaid.
“Goodfight,”Ireplied.
Iwasawarethatwewerebothstaringateachotherinaveryunkosherway.Hetookahesitantsteptowardme.“Listen,Andrea,I’vegotsomethingIneedtoconfess.”
“Canwetalktomorrow?It’slateandI’vegotto,uh,gobacktowork,”Ibabbled,skirtingaroundthekitchenisland.“I’msorry,butit’sthisVizWareacquisitionthat’sjustrestarted.There’sstillachanceIcansalvagemyshotatmakingpartner,so…IreallyneedtopreparemybriefingforthegeneralcounselasI’llbeflyingintoOmahathedayafter,chopchop,hustlehustle.”
Hesworequietly.“Youknowwhat,Igiveup.Whatever.Youdoyou.”Thenhestrodeoutofthelivingroom,utteredacurt“goodnight,”andslammedthedoortomyapartmentbehindhim.
Honestly!Somepeoplearejustsorude.46
Wednesday5October
8:00a.m.Iwilltellnooneaboutwhathappenedyesterday.Itdoesn’tmeananything.Andwhatwealmostdid,Ithink?Whatwereweabouttodo?
8:05a.m.OK,I’lljusttellLinda.
8:08a.m.Shit,Ihaveadepartmentmeetingthat’sduetostartat8:30a.m.!Shit!HowcouldIhaveforgotten?Myprioritiesareallovertheplace!
8:45a.m.ArrivedattheofficeafterasurprisinglysmoothMRTrideandrantoResilience,theconferenceroomwherethemeetingwasbeingheld.Sawthroughthefrostedglassthattheroomwasfullandtherewasnowaytoslipinunnoticed.Panicked,beforerealizingmybestdefensewouldbetopretendIhadanevenmoreimportantmeetingwithaclient.Duckedintotheadjoiningconferenceroom(Dedication)andcalledLinda.Shecouldbemyalibi.
“Youbunchofnerds.Youguysaresointoeachother,justgetitonalready.”
“No,wearen’t.”
“Yes,youare.”
“No,wearen’t.”
Ofcourse,thissophisticatedexchangewentonforsometime,afterwhichLinda,beingcompletelyshag-crazy,startedeggingmeonto“jumpSuresh’sbonesandtastetherainbow!”
OnlyLindacanpervertthetaglineofSkittles.
Buttherewillbenotastingofanycandy.Imustbestrong.BackwhenIwasstickingtotheLifePlan,thingswereeasy.Smooth-going.Ididn’tconstantlydoubtmyeverymove.ItwasjustwhenIstartedgoingoff-pistethatmylifestartedcomingofftherails.AllTigerMomswantandknowwhat’sbestfortheirchildren.LookattheKardashians.EveryoneknowsthatKrisistheoneconductingtheorchestrasotospeak,andlookhowsuccessfultheyare.Theymightevenbehappy!
IfIsticktomyLifePlan,mylifewillbethebestversionofitself.AndthatiswhatIwant.
10:10a.m.Meetingnextdoorisdone.Sawmycolleaguesdriftpastmyroom.Istoodupandmadesuretheysawmeonthecallthroughtheunfrostedbits(IwasstillchattingwithLinda),makingthreateningsoundsandwavingmyarms.Myjunior,XiLin,flashedmeathumbs-upsign,whichIreturned.Ishouldhavebeenanactor,clearly.
10:45a.m.ADEFCON2situation(“lastbottleofwaterwhilestrandedintheSahara,withwhatcouldeitherbeanoasisoramirageoneday’scrawlaway,andyouhaveonlyonearmleft,butatleastyoustillhaveanarm”kindofcatastrophe)hasdeveloped.JinLi,Mong’ssecretary,calledmeinapanic.
“It’sbad,”shesaid,heranxietymixingwithheryearsofhardenedPAprofessionalisminadisconcertingmashofcheeryanguish.“He’sgotdengue—again.”
“Awwfuck,”Isaid,worried.Icouldn’tbemadatMonganymore.“HowisMong?”
“Youknowthatgettingdengueforthesecondtimecanbedeadly,right?”
“Yes,”Isaid,fullofcontrition.
“Well,he’sstable,buttheyaremonitoringhimclosely,somethingaboutcriticalplateletcountsandneedingatransfusionandhisrarebloodtype,buthishelperiswithhim.She’stakinggoodcareofhim.”Therewasaloadedsilencebetweenus,beforeJinLisaid,almostapologetically,“Hisex-wifeandchildrenare,well,indisposed.”
“Right.”
“Buthisparentsarealsowithhim.”
“Buttheymustbelike…what,eighty?”
“Older,”shesaid.“Theyhadhimwhenthemotherwasclosetoforty.Hewastheninthchild.”Shecoughedandsaid,“Apparentlyshe’svolunteeredtogiveblood,incasetheyrunlow.”
SeemslikeMongcamefromalineoffighters—hewouldmakeitthrough,right?
Right?
Cometothinkofit,therewerenoguaranteeswhenitcametoMong.Whoknowswhatotherhorriblechronicillnessesthemanwashidingfromus:hewasthekindwhowouldbeperfectlycapableofworkingthroughEbolawhileensconcedinanisolationward,justsohewouldn’tinfecttherestoftheteam,evenashisbrainstartedleakingthroughhisnostrils…
“Canwedoanything?Likerunablooddonationdrive?”
“It’sOK,dear,thebloodbankisgoodfornow.”
“Letmeknowwhenhe’soutofICUsoIcanvisithim,OK?Just…justkeepmeupdatedastohowheis,”Isaid,tryingtokeepittogether.Iwasthisclosetobawling:themanwasfamily.HebasicallytaughtmealmosteverythingIknewandmademethelawyerIwastoday.I’dspentmoretimewiththismanoverthepastfewyearsthananymemberofmybiologicalfamily—anditwasthesameforhim.
IfIevergotmarried,hewouldhavetowalkmedowntheaisle.Hehadnochoice.
IrealizedthatIwascryingsilentlyandheldthephoneatarm’slengthsoIcouldblowmynosewithoutgivingmyfeelingsaway.
“Iwill,”JinLisaid.“But,ah”—soundingembarrassed—“hetoldmethattheonlythinghecaresaboutrightnowistheVizWarefile.So…youknow:closethedeal.MakesureCharlestonJr.and,byextension,ChapelTown,areonboard.”
Idid.IarrangedwithChapelTowntogetthereturnticketstoOmaha,whereIwouldmeettheelusiveCharlestonWesleyJr.,sonofthefounderofthecoinvestorChapelTownInvestments,oneofthelargestfamilyofficesaround.IwouldsignthemjustsoMongwouldgetbetter.EvenifitmeantplayingnicewithgoddamnLangford-Turdy-Bauer.
Andmaybe,justmaybe,Icouldredeemmyselfandmakepartner.Istillwantthat.Right?47
Thursday6October
LandedinOmahasmoothly.
IwaspickedupattheairportbyCharlestonWesleyJr.’schauffeur,whodrove…aTeslaModelSwiththesticker“SayNotoFossilFuels”emblazonedonit.Sofar,sogood.Asthehousekeeperledmethroughthehousetothelivingroom,Inoticedhowhomeyandlived-inthehousewas:theleathercoucheswerethekindyouwouldbeabletonapon;therewasalargestonefireplace,overwhichweremountedseveralhuntingtrophies(mostlydeer,oneantelope,abuffalo);multicoloredhand-knittedblanketsandbeanbagscompletedthedécoralongwithseveralportraitsofsomedead(possiblyrelated)people,alargeTurnerseascape,andasmallmuralofasoldierholding—ohdear—theheadofascalpedNativeAmerican.
Ah.Iknewtherehadtobeacatchsomewhere.
Andtherewasthemanhimself.Slight,slope-shouldered,andwhite-haired,hewasanElmerFuddishfiguredressedinathinwhitepoloshirtandbeigeDockers,sallowincomplexionandaltogetherunimpressiveinvisageandbearing.Hecouldhavebeencastasahobbit.HowwasthismanoneoftheTop100RichestMeninAmerica?
ThenheshookmyhandwithaperfectlycalibratedhandshakeandIsawhowshrewdhislightblueeyeswere.Istoodupalittlestraighter.
Hehadnoticedmygazeonthemuralandapologizedforit.“Itbelongedtomyfather,andevenifthesubjectmatterisratherabhorrent,Ileaveittheretoremindmyselfthateventhebestofmenhaveareasintheirliveswheretheycanmakebetterchoices.That’smymottoinlifeandbusiness,anyway.We’renotboundbyourpast,youknow.”
IwarmedtoCharlestonimmediately.“Iunderstand.”
“Ireallyappreciateyoutakingtimeouttoflyheretoallaymydoubtsabouttheclosing.Ihavealotoffaithinyourfirm,becauseofwhatUsmantoldme.AndIdoprefertodobusinessinperson.”
“Ofcourse,”Isaid.He’dflownmebusinessandputmeinasuiteinthelocalHilton,soIwasmollified.
“Bytheway”—hemadeaface—“yourcolleagueLangford-Bauerisalreadyhere,alongwithUsman.”
IfoughttheurgetogroanaudiblybydoingaKegel.“Wewon’ttakemuchofyourtime,”Iassuredhim.
“Oh,youcan,mydear,butyourcolleagueisalittlebitofa—howshallIputit—abitofa—”
Turdhillock?Isaidinmyhead.Outloud,“Challenge?”
“Yes,”Charlestonsaid.
“That’swhyhe’sthebest,inLondon,”Isaid,loyally.Firmfirst,personalanimussecond.
—
Overasumptuoushighteaspreadofsconesandotherpastries,anddeliciousteafromasuperisolatedmountainplantationinChina,wespentapleasant,butintense,afternoonbriefingCharlestonandUsmanonthesituation.Langford-Bauerdidhisbesttoannoymebyconstantlyinsinuating,inhissubtleBritishway,thatIwasnotascompetentashim,butIkeptitprofessionalandclassy,likeGongLi.Charlestonseemedappeasedbytheexplanation,consideredtherisksminimal,andagreedtogoaheadwiththeclosing.SolongasVizWaresaidyes,itwouldbeawinformeandthefirm.
Whenweweredone,heshowedusaroundhisranch,wherehekeptaflockofchampionfightingcocks(trysayingthatreallyfast)thathehadbredoutofsomeMexican,Javanese,andFilipinostock.Itwasallquitefun,ifonlybecauseLindahadanunclewhowasasomewhatrenownedbreederofgamecockinthePhilippines,andIhadvisitedaclandestinecockfightinatobaccofieldinCubaandhadbeenshownhowtheywere“outfitted”beforethefight.Thebloodlust,ItoldCharleston,remindedmeofpeoplequeueingforKanye’skicks.
“What?”Charlestonsaid,comingtoastopandstaringatme.“Therearepeoplewholineup—tobekickedbysomethingcalledConYay?”
Iwasstrugglingnottoburstintolaughterorpee.ThiswasthepointwhenLangford-Bauersaid,inhissuperciliousvoice,“Shemeans‘shoes.’KanyeWesthasarangeofsneakers,andtheyareveryfashionable,these”—awrinkleofhisaristocraticnose—“kicks.”
Iwished,wished,wishedthatSureshwaswithmerightthen.
IdidfindthetimetocomplainaboutLangford-BauertoLindalaterthatnightoverWhatsAppchat,oncewe’dgonebacktoourhotelafterafulldayofsightseeinginOmahawithCharlestonWesley.
“Tristan?”shesaid,surprised.“TristanLangford-BauerisyourSingaporedeskrep?”
“Yeah,why?”
“Oh,”shesaid,giggling.“IknowTristan.He’safriendofafriendfromLondon.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.”Hervoicewasconspiratorial.“Thenexttimehepissesyouoff,justsay:‘ChickenoftheSea.’He’llknowwhatitmeans.”
“Tellme!”Isaid,practicallyfoamingatthemouth.“Isheallergictofish?IsthathowIbringhimdown?”
“No,dummy,howamateur,andquiteworrisomethatyouwentstraighttotheoptionofmurderingyournemesis,youpsychopath.Besides,everheardofEpiPens?ChickenoftheC,theletterC,Cfor…ohwell.I’vesaidtoomuch,”shesaidcheerfully,meaningshe’dsaidexactlyhowmuchshewantedmetoknow.
Iwasdyingofcuriosity.“Cforwhat?”
“Bye.”Thelinewentdead.
ItypedsomenotesinMyCloud.ChickenoftheCCfor“cocaine”?Orsomekindofanimal,evenifthatcombinationmadelesssense?WasLangford-Bauerinvolvedinhisown#PigGate?Hmmm.
Thelinerangagain.IpickeditupwithoutscreeningforcallerID.“Linda,tellme—”
“Andy.Andy.”
Itensed—onlyonepersonevercalledmethat,anditwasmysister.“Melissa?What’sup?”
Hervoicewaseerilycalm.“I’mso,sosorrytotellyouthisoverthephone,but…butMahadaheartattack.”
Igasped.“What?When?”Imanagedtoask.
“Afewhoursago.Youshouldcomebackassoonasyoucan.”48
Melissawastalkingbutthroughafogofsomekind.Thesensationwasoneoftrippingoveraphantomsteponaflightofstairs.IhadamomentwhereIfeltliketheuniversewastiltingbeforetheworldrighteditselfonitsaxis.Whentheswoonhadpassed,Ibegantopack.
Whathadhappenedwasmymotherhadhadaheartattackintheweehoursofthemorning.She’dbeentravelingbackwithafriendfromBeijing;she’dlandedinKLIAandtakenataxiwhenshestartedhavingbadcrampsinherchest.Itwasluckythetaxidriverhadrecognizedthesymptomsandhadbroughthertotheemergencyroom,or—
Ishuddered.
Thehospitalhadtriedtocallme,Melissasaid,butcouldn’treachme.Sotheyhadcalledher,theotheremergencycontact.Itwastheonlygoodthingtocomeoutofthis,thatmysisterhadbeentheonetobewithmymotherjustbeforetheyhadwheeledherintotheoperatingroom.
ItoldherI’dbethereonthenextflightouttomorrowmorning,sinceitwasalreadyclosetomidnightOmahaiantime,butthatitwouldbedifficulttoknowexactlywhattimeIwouldland.SometimeSaturdaynight.AfterIhadtakenaValiumandwaitedformyselftocalmdown,IcalledEric,whowasinHongKongforacoupleofboardmeetings,andheimmediatelyofferedtoflyover.
“Thankyouforoffering,”Isaid,touched.ThegrandopeningofhisnewLanahotelinPhuQuoc,Vietnam,hisfirsteco-hotelintheregion,wasonMonday;Iknewhowimportantitwasforhimtoopenthathotelinperson,sincehisfamilyhadfledChinathroughVietnam.“Butdon’tchangeyourplans;it’sreallynotnecessary.”
“Ofcourseitis.I’mcomingover.Youneedsupport.”
“No,it’sreallyOK,”Iinsisted.“She’sstablefornow.Please,stay,opentheDulitLanaPhuQuoc.”
“Yousure?Imean,it’sfine.Mydeputyishere.”
Ilaughednervously.“Well,it’sjust…Ihaven’ttoldheranythingaboutyourproposal.”
“Isee.”Icouldhearthewrygrininhisvoiceashesaid,“Don’tyouthinkit’llmakeherrecoverfasterifshehearsyourgoodnews?”
“Ithinkso,”Isaidcautiously.“Butmymotherisunpredictableatbest.”
“I’llflyoveraftertheopening.Iknowhowtocharmmothers,”hesaid.
Saysthemanwho’sneverbeenmarried.
—
AfterthecallIgotdressedinsweatsandknockedonthedoorofLangford-Bauer’sroom,sinceIwouldneedtoleaveearlierthanexpected,beforetheduediligencewascompleted.IprayedthathewouldbedressedsoIwouldn’thavetoseehislegs.
Hewas,inpajamasandarobe.IthankedGod.It’shardtohatemenwithstick-thin,hairlesslegs.
Langford-Bauerwaslessthanunderstanding.“Whatdoyoumean,youhaveafamilyemergency?”hesaid,havinggrownupneverexperiencingfamiliallove.“Isanyoneatdeath’sdoor?”
“Actually,”Isaid,squaringmyshoulders,gladtobeabletorubhisfaceinmytruth,“someoneisatdeath’sdoor.Mymother…hadaheartattack.”
Langford-Bauer’sfacewasapicture.“Ohmy,thisisunex—WhatImeanis…I’m,ah,dreadfullysorry,”hestammered.“Ididn’tknow,Imean…I’msosorry,really.”Ifhehadpearlshe’dbeclutchingthemnow,thebastard.“Areyoutwo,ah,close?”
“Howcanyouevenaskmeaquestionlikethat,atatimelikethis?”Isaid,disgusted.“SoifIsaidno,thatwouldmakeitOK?”
“No,no!That’snotwhatImeantatall!”Heblanchedandactuallystartedbackingawayfromme.“Youshould,ah,definitelytakesometimeoff.Leave.Go.I’lltakeitfromhere.”
“Iwill,”Isaid.“Andyou’lljusthavetodealwiththeslack.Youhaven’thadtodealwithmuchoftheslacksofarbecauseI’vebeenanawesome,valuableteamplayer.”Andthen,fiercely:“AndI’manawesome,awesomewoman.”
“Youcertainlyare.”Heclearedhisthroat,lookingembarrassed.“Youhavebeen,ofcourse,sincethebeginning.Astrong…intelligent…teamplayer,inspite,Imean,regardlessofyour,ah,gender.”Thewayhewassayingthisyou’dthinkIhadjustmadehimadmittothepossessionofamicropenis.“I,ah,I’vealways…admiredyour,ah,strongworkethic.”Icouldseehiseyeswerecrossing,soIlethimoffbywavinghisfeeblecomplimentsaway.
“Seethatyoudonottextmeduringthenextfewdays,”Iwarnedhim.“Unlesstheskyisfalling,andyou’reflatoutofsky-umbrellas.”
“Right,”hesaidhumbly.
Istrodeofftomyroom,bookedtheearliestflightsback,andslept.
Friday7October
Earlyinthemorning,Icalledtoseehowmymotherwas.Melissaassuredmethatshewasstable,whichwasahugeweightoffmyshoulders,sinceIwassofaraway.
WhenEriccalledtocoordinateourschedules,ItoldhimabouttheconnectingflightsIhadtotake.
“It’ssocomplicated.Youneedtoswitchoffandjustrelaxinthisdifficulttime.Whydon’tyouletmeflyyouback?”hesaid.
“Withwhatprivatejet?”Ireplied,halfheartedlyteasing.“Youtoldmeyouweretoo‘real’ofabillionairetohaveone.”
Hechuckled,soundinguncomfortable.“Idohaveafriendortwowithidlejetswhoowemefavors.So,ifyouwant…”
Irolledmyeyes.“No,thankyou,I’lltakecommercial.It’sgoingtobetough,butI’llsurvive,evenifIcanonlyafford,horrorofhorrors,premiumeconomy.”
Icouldalmosthearhimflinch,evenlongdistance.“Whenwouldyouland?”
“Intwenty-threehours.It’sfine.”
“Icouldgetyoubackinalmosthalfthattime,”hesaid.
Underthecircumstances,itwouldnothavebeenunreasonabletoacquiesce.Buthistonerubbedmethewrongway,forsomereason.“She’sstable,soIthinkwecanaffordtonottaketheprivatejet.”
“Suityourself,”hesaid,sounding,tomyears,justatadfrosty.
ItextedLindatoupdateheraboutthesituation.AndthenIcalledtheonepersonIknewwouldbeabletosorteverythingoutformeatwork:Suresh.WhenItoldhimaboutmymother,heimmediatelyassuredmethathewouldhandleit,sincehewasworkingfromSingaporethisweek.
Andthistime,Itrustedhimwhole-heartedly.
“JustsendmeyourflightdetailsandI’llsorteverythingoutintheoffice.”
“Thanks,Suresh,I—Ireallyappreciateyou.”Iswallowedhard.“Alsoforthehonorablethingyoudidforme…withSungguh.”
Apause.“It’snothing,really.IsthereanythingelseIcandoforyou?”heasked.Hisvoicewassoft,reassuring.“Nameit.”
IhadacrazyurgetoaskhimtomeetmeinKualaLumpur—itwasalmostaphysicalcraving.“No,thankyou,justhandleworkandI’llbefine.”
Work.ItmightseeminsanetoanoutsiderthatIcaredaboutworkatatimelikethis,buttheydidn’tgetit.I’dbeenhardwiredfortoolongtojustthroweverythingasideevenwhenmypersonallifewasinchaos.Workhadalwaysbeenthereforme,nomatterhowbadthingswere.Workwasfamily,adrug.Workwaslife.
Saturday8October
Almostawholedayoftravelinglater,IlandedinKualaLumpur,jetlaggedanddisoriented,andalmostwishingI’dgivenintoEric’sprivatejetoffer.Almost.Iheadedstraighttothegovernmenthospitalwheremymotherwasrecovering.ThelastthingIexpectedtoseewasSureshandLinda,bothstandingawkwardlyinthewaitinglounge.
“Surprise!”Lindasaid.Shethrewherarmsaroundme.
“Youguys!You’rebothhere!”IwheezedthroughamouthfulofLinda’shair
“Ithinkwegothereonthesameflight,”Sureshsaidwithagrin.“Andwe’vehadtimetointroduceourselvesandgossipaboutyou,don’tworry.”
“DidyouthinkI’dletyougothroughthisalone,youdingbat?”Lindasaid,sniffling.
“No,”Isaid,gratified.MyeyesmetSuresh’s.Thankyouforbeinghere,Imouthed.
You’rewelcome,hemouthedback.
Melissametusinthecafeteria,acoffeeinherhand.IfshewassurprisedtoseeLindaandSuresh,especiallyifshemighthaveexpectedEricinthelatter’splace,thenshewastoodistraughttoshowit.Kamarul,herfiancé,hadnotstayedwithMelissaafterdroppingheroffatthehospitalinordernottotriggermymother.
Wetooktheelevatortothethirdfloor,wheremymotherwasrestinginthecoronarycareunitoftheICUandundersedation.Shehadcomethroughtheemergencybypasssurgeryfine,buttheattendingcardiothoracicsurgeon,Dr.Ng,aharried-lookingwomaninaseverebunwhohadseenfartoomanyoperatingroomsandnotenoughsunlight,saidthatwhilethesurgeryhadgonewell,shewasnotyetoutofthewoodsandtheywouldhavetomonitorherforafewdays.Goingforward,wewouldhavetotakeextracaretonotupsether,andmonitorherlifestyleanddiettomanageherpreexistinghighbloodpressure.“Don’tstressherout,”sheadmonished,liketheheartattackhadbeenourfault.
Don’tstressherout?Shewasthepersonwhostressedherchildrenout,Ialmostshookmyfistandshoutedatherretreatingback.Instead,Iwhisperedthisasthedoctorstrodeoff.YearsofconditioningbyAsiansocietyhaddrilledintomeaBuddhistreverenceformedicalauthority.
“It’smyfault,”Melissasaid,breathinghard.“Isentheraninvitelastweektoourengagementparty.”
“It’snotyourfault,”Isaid.“Andlet’snotforgettherealculprit:herdietofinstantnoodles,crackers,lard,andfull-fateverything.”
“Yeah,AuntieJennyeatslikeshe’sateenager,”Lindachimedin.“Plus,Kamarulseemslikethekindofguyanymotherwouldhavelovedtohavedatingherdaughter.”
Sureshhadbeenkeepingarespectfuldistanceinthewaitingareasothatwecouldhavesomefamilytime.Imotionedhimover.“Suresh’soneofthegoodguysIworkwith,”Isaid,asheapproached.“He’sbeenarealrock.”
Melissaeyedhimshrewdly.“Where’sEric?”sheaskedinalowvoice.
“InHongKong—ormaybeVietnambynow.Hesendshisregards,”Isaid,offhandedly.
IintroducedSureshtoMelissa.
“Anynews?”Sureshasked,hisbrowsfurrowed.
Iupdatedhim,uncomfortablyawareofhowbothMelissaandLindawerecommunicatingfuriouslywithoutspeakingbehindhisback.TherewasalotoflasciviouswinkingonLinda’spart.
“It’sgoodthatwegothereintime,”Sureshsaid,lookingrelievedthatmymotherwasdoingfine.
“NottooboredhangingoutwithusTangs,Suresh?”Melissateased,flutteringhertear-gunkedeyelashes.Ah,thegoodol’SureshEffect.Irolledmyeyes.Also,annoyinglyenoughMelissaalwaysactedlikeshewastheeldersisterinsteadofme.Imean,justbecauseshewasinafunctionalrelationshipwithamanandhadmoney.ButguesswhowasstillonspeakingtermswitholdMumsie?That’sright:me.
AwaveofexhaustionhitmeinthegutandIhadtograbontothebackofachairtosteadymyself.
“Whoa,”Sureshsaid,grabbingme,“youOK?”
“Ijustneedtorest.Ithinkallthetravelisstartingtocatchupwithme,”Isaid.
“Let’sgofindahotel,”Lindasaid.“Thedoctordidsayshewon’tbeabletoreceivevisitorstonight,anyway.”
“Don’tbestupid,youguyscanstayatourplace.Wehavetwosparerooms,”Melissaexclaimed.Shewavedawayour(admittedlyfeeble)protests.“Yougirlscansharearoom,andSureshcantakeone.Or,youknow.”NowshewasmakingweirdfacialexpressionsbehindSuresh’sbackatme.Igaveherthemiddlefinger.
“Whoa,isthathowyouTangsthankeachother?”Sureshsaid.
“Wehaveourways,”Isaidairily.Suchasemotionalblackmail,butstill.
—
MelissaandKamarul’shomewasasplendidlyrenovated,sleekandspartanthree-beddercondoinMontKiara.ItwasthefirsttimeIwasvisitingtheirhomesincetheyhadmovedintogetherafewmonthsago.KamarulshowedusaroundwhileMelissamadeushotchocolatelacedwithaheavydoseofAmarula“tohelpwiththenerves.”Thenthethreeofusgirlshungoutinthelivingroomforanimpromptufamilyreunion,catchingupandtradingTangfamilygossip,KamarulhavingshepherdedSureshtohismancavetoplayCounter-Strike.Wefinishedchattingaround1:30a.m.,exhaustedbutfeelingmuchmorecheerful.
Wheneveryonehadgonetobed(Lindawassnoringonthetwo-seatercouchinthelivingroom,passedoutdrunk),Ihungoutinthelivingroom,drinkingdecafcoffeeandscrollingthroughmyInstagram.Iwastoohypeduptosleep.
Ikeptthinking,Whatif?
Whatiftheheartattackhadbeenmoresevere?Whatifithaddebilitatedorkilledmymother?Despitehowaggravatingshecouldbe,shewasstillmymother.Iowedher,andmydad,everythingIhadinlife.AndIloveher.Ihaveto:she’smymother.She’ssacrificedsomuchforme.Ifmymotherwantedmetogetmarriedandhavekids,andIcould
Ericwantstogetmarriedtome.Ericwantskids.Ericisattherightstageofhislife.EricandIwerebothcruisingintherightdirection.
Afterall,therewasnosuchthingasaperfectpartner.EvenifIenviedMelissaandKamarul’seasywaywitheachother,who’stosayIwouldneverhavethatwithEriconeday?Whydidwealwaysassumethatthesethingsweresupposedtojust“comewiththeterritory”?Didn’tfarmershaveto,like,tilltheearthandfertilizeitbeforetheycouldgetthesoiltoyieldcrops?MaybemyrelationshipwithEricwaslikethat:apotatofarminthemaking.Butscoffyenotatthehumblepotato,forweretheynotthemostdelicioustuberonGod’sgreenearth?I—
“AmIinterrupting?”avoicesaidinthedarkness,makingmejump.ItwasSuresh.
“Notreally,Iwasjuststalkingcelebrities,nobiggie,”Isaid.
Hesatdownnexttomeonthecouch.IwasveryawarethathewaswearingonlyapairoftartanboxershortsandathinwhiteT-shirtthatleftlittletotheimagination.
Unfortunately,Ihadaveryhealthyimagination.
“Thanksforbeinghere,”Isaid,lookingaroundhimsoasnottogetdistracted.
“Anythingforyou,”hesaidsoftly.“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Worried,butmuchbetter,thanks.”Ijustnoticedhowgoldenbrownhiseyeswereinthewarmlight.Hehadsuchsoulfuleyes.“Thanksforbeinghere.”IrealizedIwasrepeatingmyself.
“Therewasnoquestionaboutmenotcomingover.Iwantedto.”
“Youdidn’tneedto,really.IhaveLinda.”
WelookedatLinda’spronefigureonthecouch,whereshehadpassedoutafterthesixthAmarulahotchocolate.Actually,cometothinkofit,maybethelasttwohadjustbeenstraight-upmugsofAmarula.
“Does…doesAnoushaknowyou’rehere?”
Sureshshrugged.“AnoushaandIhadafight.We’renotspeakingtoeachother.”
“Whatabout?”Iasked.Iwonderedifithadbeenaboutme.Maybeithadbeen.Therewas,afterall,thattextthatshehadsenttome.Shemustsuspectthatwe’dcomeclosetocrossingtheline,onceortwice.
“Aboutmyleavingthefirm,actually.”
Ofcourse.Whatelsewouldithavebeenabout?Iwasbeingsilly.
“Whatwasherreaction?”Iasked.
“Shewon’tallowit.Herfatherislividand—”
MyphonebuzzedandIstarted.Anunidentifiednumber—whocoulditbeatthishour?
“Andrea,hey.”
ItwasEric.Iexcusedmyselfandraisedthephonetomyear.“Hello?”
“IjustwantedtoletyouknowI’mflyinginfromVietnam.I’vegotthefirstflightouttomorrowmorning.Whereareyou?”hesaidwithoutpreamble.
“AtMelissa’s,”Isaid,alittlesurprised.“Wait…what?Whataboutyourhotelopening?”
Hemadeanimpatientnoise.“Andrea,yourmotherhadaheartattack.IboughtaticketassoonasIheardyourmessage.”HeseemedbewilderedthatIwouldaskaquestion.“Iamyourman,amInot?”Hesaidthiswithouttheleastringofirony.
Ericwasathismostattractivewhenhewasbeingauthoritative.SuddenlytherewasnooneelseIwantedtoseemore.“Yes,youare.Whereareyoustayingtomorrow?”Iasked.IwasvaguelyawarethatSureshwasgone.
“ParkSuiteattheMandarinOriental,whereelse?”
“I’llgetmythingsandstaywithyou.”49
Sunday9October
Thefourofus,sansKamarulforobviousreasons,arrivedatthehospitaljustbeforenoon,whenvisitinghourswouldstart.IwassurprisedtoseeEricalreadyatthereceptiondeskhavingananimatedconversationwithDr.Ngandadistinguished-lookingmaninhisfifties
“Eric!”Isaidhappily,givinghimabearhug.
“Nicereception!”HekissedthetopofmyheadandnoddedtoLinda,whoreturnedthenod.“Andwhoaretheselovelyfolks?”
“I’mMelissa,Andrea’syoungersister,”Melissasaid.Icouldtellfromthewaysheapproachedhimwithherhandhalf-extendedthatshewasunsureofwhethersheshouldgivehimahandshakeorahug,towhichEricrespondedbygatheringherinawarmhug.Ismiled.
“AndthisisSuresh,my—”IturnedtowardSuresh,andsuddenlymymindwentblank.
“Colleague,”Sureshsaid,givingEricahandshakesofirmIcouldfeelit,standingbesideEric.AndEricwasgivingitrightback:theywerePowerMovingeachother.“It’snicetomeetyou.Andreatalksaboutyouallthetime.”
“Likewise,”Ericsaid,givingSureshathoughtfulonce-over.Hewasunsmiling.Thenheturnedtowardmeverypointedly,andsaid,“IstodaythedayIgettomeetthefuturemother-in-lawI’vebeenhearingsomuchabout?”
“Sorry,I’mjustgoingtoexcusemyselftomakeacall,”Sureshsaid,beforeleaving.
Ishookmyhead,perplexedbySuresh’sreactionandveryawareofhowMelissaandLindawerecommunicatingbehindEric’sbackwithacombinationofunsubtlegesturesandfacialexpressions.“Maybeweshouldwaittoseeifshe’suptoevenreceivingme.”AndMelissa,Ididn’tsay.
Ericletmeoffthehook.“Isupposeweshouldn’toverwhelmherwithnews.Anyway,letmeintroduceyoutoagoodfriend,Dr.CalebFoo.He’sthechiefofsurgeryatPantaiandarenownedcardiothoracicsurgeoninternationally.”PantaiwasaprivatehospitalinKualaLumpur.
“Oh,uh,hithere,”Isaid,confused.Dr.Foonoddedatme.
“ThisgentlemanherewantsmetodischargeyourmotherandtransferhertoPantaiforDr.Footofollowup,andItoldhimitwasmyprofessionalopinionthatshewastooweaktobemoved,notforanothertwotothreedays,”Dr.Ngtoldme,hervoicestrained.“Andinanycase,itisthefamily’sdecision.Isthatwhatyouwant?”
IlookedatEric.“What?”
“Yes.”Hebeamed,misreadingmyresponseasbeingpositive.Hetuckedastrandofloosehairbehindmyear.“Iwantedthebestforyourmotherandyou.Dr.Fooisthebest.”HesaiditinfrontofDr.Ng,withoutacareforherfeelings.
Iexhaledsharply.“Iappreciateyourthoughtfulness,Eric,butDr.Nghasbeenmorethanfinesofar.”
Dr.Ngthrewmethislittlelookofgratitudethatsomehowmadeherrealtomeforthefirsttime.
“ButDr.Fooisthebest,”Ericinsisted.
“Privatehospitalsarejustsomuchbetter,”LindachimedinfrombehindEric,whereshe’dbeeneavesdropping.
“Ipreferthatmymotherstayhere,thankyouall,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.
Lindashrugged.“Toldyoushe’sstubborn.I’mgoingtoseeiftheyhaveaStarbuckshere.”Hertalentforleavingwhentheshitgotstirredwaslegendary.
EricandIwerenowlockedinasilentstare-down.Dr.Foolookeduncomfortableandmadehisexcusestoleave.
“You’renothappywithmyoffer?”
“You’rebeingpresumptuous,”Isaidslowly.“WhenhaveIeversaidthatIwantedmymothermovedtoaprivatefacility?”
Hefrowned.“Iwasbeinghelpful.DoyouknowhowharditistogetDr.Footoconsult?Heisthebestandhecamehereonsuchshortnoticebecauseheowesmeahugepersonalfavor!”
“Nobodyaskedyouforanewdoctor.Ipreferthecurrentonewealreadyhave,mycranky,stone-faceddoctorthatyouwererudeto,thankyouverymuch!”
Dr.Ngclearedherthroat.“I’mgoingto,ah,checkonMrs.Tang.”
“Yes,please,”bothofussaidsimultaneously.Shehurriedaway.
“WhatgaveyoutheimpressionthatIwouldwantyoutodosomethinglikethiswithoutaskingme?”
“Well,excusemefortryingtodosomethinggoodforyou.”Hethrewuphisarms.“Idon’tgetyou,Andrea.Whenyouwork,youconstantlytalkaboutrankingsandreputationandhowyou’rethebestatwhatyoudo,butwhenItrytogetyourmother,yourmother,thegreatestinhealthcarethatmoneycanbuy,yourefusemeanddismissmyfriend.Isthatlogical?”
Ibitmylip.Hemadealotofsensewhenheputitthatway.“Wecan’taffordprivatehospitals,”Isaid,althoughthatwasonlypartofthereasonIwasmiffed,andnoteventhemostimportantoneatthat.
Thefrownonhisfacedissolved.“Isthatwhyyouwereannoyed?”Ericfoldedmeintohisarms.“Ohsweetheart,Iwouldhavepaidforeverything.Iwouldn’thaveminded.”
Ithawedalittle,butsomethinginsidemerebelled.Itwasn’tsomuchwhathewanted.
ItwaswhatIwanted,ordidn’twant.
ButwhatwasitthatIwanted?
“Excuseme,”avoicepipedup.
Welookedup.ItwasDr.Ngagain.
“Yourmotherisaskingforyou.”
—
Seeingmymotheronthebedbroughthomethegravityofthesituationagain.IsuckedinmybreathwhenIsawher.Herfacewaspaleandherskintranslucentasricemilk,starkagainstherdyedblackhair,abruisepurplingacrossherface.Shehadhitherfaceagainstsomethinginthetaxiwhentheattackhappened.AnIVdripped.
Dr.Ngbriefedthebothofusontherootcausesthathadledtothisheartattack.Asidefromgeneticpredisposition,mymother’sbaddietovertheyearshadcausedbuildupinherarteriesandshe’dneedtochangetoaheart-healthydiet.
“I’msogladyou’rehere,Andrea,”mymotherwheezed,clutchingmyhand,onceDr.Nghadleft.“Is…isyoursisteraround?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
“Shewantstoseeyou.”
Mymotherexhaledsharply.“I…IsupposeIshouldthankher.Youcansendherinafterward.Alone.TherearesomethingsIneedtosaytoher.”
Thatwasastart.Iwaselated.“Thankyou.”
Shesmiledwanlyinresponse.
“Ma,youheardwhatDr.Ngsaid.Yourdietisliterallykillingyou.Whydidyoueatsomuchjunkfoodandinstantnoodles,whenyouneverletusdothesame?It’sabitdoublestandard,right?”
Sheavoidedmyeyes.“Well,howdidyouthinkyourfatherandImanagedtosaveupenoughmoneysoyouandyoursistercangotouniversity?”shesaidlightly.
IpicturedthemanytimesIsawmystay-at-homemotherheatingabowlofinstantnoodles,throwingacouplehandfulsofleftovergreenvegetablesandcrackinganeggintotheMSG-edbrothwhilemysisterandIatericewithstir-friedbeeforchickenandfrieddumplings.Shealwaysmadeustakesecond,thirdhelpings,andwhenweweredone,she’dscoopourleftovermeatandriceintohernoodlebowlandchastiseusforwastingfood.Ifeltarushofguilt.Evenwhenitcametofood,they’dalwaysmadesurewehadthebesttheycouldafford.
“Ofcourse,itwasn’tjustsavings,”sheacknowledged,“wecarefullyinvestedthemoneywesavedasbestaswecould,otherwiseinflation—”
“—willtakeeverything,”Ifinished,tryingtocrackajokebyusinganominousvoice.
“Youyoungpeoplethesedays,youdon’tevenknowhowtosave;onceyougetthemoneyyouspendspendspend.Why,whenIwasyourage,Iusedtobringmyownlunchtowork,itwasjustwhitericeandikanbilis,noweverythingisjustavocadothisandthatandcostssomuch…”Sherattledonandoninthismanner,pausingonlytodrawbreath,butinsteadofcuttingheroffortuningherout,Ikeptquietandlistened.Maybeitwasbecauseshe’djusthadaclosebrushwithdeath,butItookthesermonizinginstride.Gladtoseehersoverbose;glad
“Thankyouforyoursacrifices,Ma,”Isaidquietly.
“Itwasneverasacrifice,”shesaidquietly.“Sshhh,don’tcry,Andrea.I’mtough.I’mnotleavingyouuntilIgetgrandchildren.”
Thatagain.Itookadeepbreath.
“Mom,there’ssomeoneIwanttointroduceyouto.”
“Oh?”shesaid.
Icrackedasmile.“It’smyfiancé,Eric.”50
Myfiancé.
Ihadletthegenieoutofthebottle.
IopenedthedoorandbeckonedEricintotheroom.Justbeforeheentered,Isaidquietly,“ItoldherthatIsaidyes.”
Hestarted,andclaspedmyhands.“That’swonderful,”hesaid.“You’vejustmademethehappiestmanonearth!”
Thehappiest…
Iwalkedinafterhiminadream.Iintroducedhimtomymother,whowaspracticallyhyperventilatingwithjoy(orthetubes,itwashardtotell).
Ericandmymotherbarelyhadtimetochatbeforeanursecamebytosayvisitinghourswereupandkickedusoutfromourvisitwithmymom,whoneverstoppedbeaming.InoticedthatErichadtakentocallingher“Mrs.Tang”withoutahitch,eventhoughtheywerecloserinagethanEricwastome.
IfeltguiltyforintroducingEricandtakingupMelissa’stimewithourmother,evenifI’dbeentheonewhobrokeredthetruce.ImadeherpromisetoseeMelissatomorrow,firstthing,andshewassothrilledshedidsowithoutasecondthought.Atleastanothergoodthingcameoutofthis.
EricandIleftthehospitaltogetherinalimo.Oncein,hepushedabuttonandtheprivacyscreencameupwithasoftwooshthatusedtomakemypulseracebecause…well.Youknow.
Sureenough,hescootedoveranddrewmeclose.“Ithinkacelebratory…dinnerisinorder,don’tyou?”hewhisperedinmyear.
“Uh,maybeanothertime,”Isaid.“Everythingwithmymotherhasmeprettystressedout.Nottomentionthepartnershipinterviews.”
“Icanhelpwith—”
“No,”Isaidalittletooquickly.
Hedrewback.Therewashurtinhiseyes,andsomethingelse.“Isee.”
Iturnedawayfromhimandpulledoutmyworkphone,pretendingtoscrollthroughemails.Ifeltnumb.Ihadacceptedhisproposal—sowhydidn’tIfeeloverjoyed?
I’djustsecuredmyfuture,andmyfamily’s,nomatterwhathappenedatthepartnershipinterviewnextweek.Sowhydidn’tIfeellikeI’ddonetherightthing?
Worsestill,Icouldfeeltheedgesofapanicattackcoming.IgropedinmyMansurGavrieltoteformyinhaler,whichIhadn’tneededformonths.
“Hey.”HeheldmeasItookseveralpuffs.“What’sthematter?”
Iwavedhisconcernawayandwriggledoutofhisarms.Iturnedawayfromhimandshutmyeyes,tryingtogaincontrolovermybreathing.WhywasIhavingthisreaction?
Aftermybreathinghadstabilized,heaskedsoftly,“Isthisabouttheprivatehospitalthing?”
Icouldfeelhiseyesonme.“Maybe,”Ilied.Intruth,Ididn’tknow.
Suddenlyhegrippedmeandswungmearoundtofacehim.“Andrea,”hechokedout.“Don’tyouknowhowmuchIcareforyou?”
Igapedathim,stunnedbyhispassionateoutburst.IrealizedIhadneverseenhimlosecontrolbefore.Itwasalittleunnerving.
“I’msorryyouthoughtIwastryingtocontrolyou.Ihadnothingbutgoodintentions.Youmeansomuchtome.Pleasebelieveme.”
Hissinceritywasundeniable.Ifeltmyangerandconfusionebbalittle.HowcouldIbemadathimforwantingthebestforme?Itriedtoexplainmyself.“Igetthat,butitstilldoesn’tchangethefactyoumademefeell-likeIhadnosayinthematterbecauseIdon’thaveasmuchmoneyasyou.”
Hisfacetwistedattheangerinmyvoice.“Andrea,Iswear,Ididn’tmeantothrowmoneyatyouinadisrespectfulway…Notwhen—NotwhenIseeyouasmybetterhalf.Iloveyou.”Hekissedmyhands.“Pleasebelieveme.Iwouldnever,everdisrespectyoulikethat.”
Iinhaledandexhaledshakily.“Look,I’msorryIthoughtbadlyofyourkindgesture.Tomemoneyisaformofcontrol.Mymotheralwayskowtowstomyauntbecauseshepaidformyfather’shospitalbills,Lindahasabadhabitofliterallythrowingmoneyatmetowinarguments—Ijustdon’twanttofeellikeIoweyou.Evenifweare”—Iswallowed—“engaged.”
TherewasalongsilenceinwhichIcouldhearthebloodrushinginmyears.Hecrackedaruefulsmile.
“Andrea,youaremyfuture,”hetoldme.“Ijustwantthebestforyou.I’msorryifthatcameoffthewrongway.”
“It’sOK,”Isaid,butwhenheremindedmeI’dtoldhimI’dcomebackwithhimtotheMandarinOriental,Ionceagainpleadedinterviewnerves.Hewasdisappointed,buthey,weweregoingtobemarried,soweweregoingtobespendingalotoftimetogether.Whatwastherush?
Monday10October
Lindaflewhomeonthefirstflightthismorningforwork(andforJason,ofcourse).
Iwasaloneinthelivingroom,sittingonthecouch,juststaringatthewall.KamarulandMelissahadgonetogetbrunchtogether,and,Isuspect,tospendsometimedecompressingfromourcampingoutattheirplace,theheartattack,andtomentallyprepareforMelissa’sfirstvisitwithourmotheratnoon.
IkeptthenewsaboutmysayingyestoEric’sproposaltomyself;giventheeventsofthisweekend,itfeltborderlineinappropriatetospringthisonthem.Notnow,anyway.
NotthatthatwasstoppingEric,sweetnesspersonified,fromsendingmepicturesofballroomsdecoratedinjaw-droppinglavishnessandaskingmewhatIthoughtofeach.Hewasindeedthinkingofinvitinguptoonethousandpeopletothewedding.HetoldmethatIshouldstartshoppingforaweddinggown,ormore,ifIwished,havingpassedmeoneofhisfancy-schmancycreditcardsthathadnolimits.
“Iknowyou’renotprofligate,”hesaid,tenderly,tome,apersonwho’dalwaysthoughtIwasaspendthrift—butIguessweweremeasuringwithdifferentyardsticksnow.“Butdarling—Iwantyoutogoallout.”
Thisproclamationshould,undernormalcircumstances,sendmeintoamindlessbuyingfrenzy,butlatelyIfoundmyselfderivinglessandlesssatisfactionfromshopping.Sothecreditcardremainedtuckedinmyworkbag,ataupeCelinemediumluggagetotethatIhadbeencovetingforsometimeandwhichErichadhaddeliveredtoMelissaandKamarul’syesterdaynightfromtheMandarinOrientalasanimpromptu“engagementgift.”
AlimitlesscreditcardandIcouldn’tbringmyselftouseit.IwishIcouldtellyouwhat’sgoingon,dearDiary.
Sureshsuddenlycameoutofhisroomandjoinedmeonthecouchwithhisbags.Hewasduebackattheofficeandwastakingaflightinlessthanthreehours.Wejustsatthere,sidebyside,notspeaking,andforsomereasonmythroatbegantocloseupandIstartedtotremble.Iwasdangerouslyclosetocrying,orscreaming.Orboth.
“I’mgoingtoleaveAnousha,”Sureshsaidquietly.
“What?”Isaid,shockedoutofmyownennui.“How?Why?”
“Ineedto.I’vechanged.Myfeelingstowardherhavechanged.IthinkIwant…somethingelse.”Heheldmyhand.Oureyesmet,minedamp,hissearching.“Andrea,I…”
“Don’t,”Isaid,withdrawingfromhim.“Ican’t…Ican’t.”
“Ithinkyoucan,ifyouallowedyourselfto,”hesaidsadly.
Ishookmyhead,gotup,andwenttomyroom.Shutthedoorbetweenus.
“Andrea,”Sureshsaid,knockinginsistently.
“No,”Isaid.“Thiscan’thappen.”Icouldhearhimbreathingashestoodoutsidethedoor,butIwilledmyselftoremainmotionless.Afterawhileheslippedsomethingunderthedoor.Asealedbrownenvelopewithmynamewrittenonit.Itookitgingerlybutdidnotopenthedoor.
“Readitwhenyou’reready,”hesaid
IwaitedtillIheardhimshutthefrontdoorbehindhimbeforeIchuckedtheenvelopeintomyworkbag,unopened.Ididn’ttrustmyselfaroundhim.WewerelikethecharactersinthatTLTSstripofhis:abadidea.Tooalike,toounknown.
Tuesday11October
11:15a.m.Home,reluctantly,attheinsistenceofmymother,whoremindedmeIhadaweddingtoplanandapromotiontosecure.Melissapromisedtokeepmeuptodateonherrecovery.Tooktodayoff.SureshwouldbebackinJakartaand,Ipresume,isflyinginagainThursdaymorningforthepartnershipinterviews.Ihadn’tsaidgoodbyebeforeheleftfortheairport,butitcan’tbeanyotherway.Imustbestrong.
10:20p.m.SpentacoupleofhoursintheeveningtryingonweddingdressesinabridalgownshopwithVal,whowasinforoneofherfittingsforherweddinggown(ifevertherewasagown,itwashers)—Ineededthedistractionfromtheinterviews,andwhatbetterwaytokilltwobirdswithonestone?
I’dheardofthisstorebecauseofitsreputationforstockingthemostluxuriousgowns,manyofwhichcosttheequivalentofadownpaymentforgovernmenthousinginSingapore.Havingneverreallyfantasizedaboutthedetailsofmyweddingday,Ifoundthearrayofgownsdaunting,butwithVal’simpeccableeye,soonfoundsomethingpared-downand
“Ohh,”everyonesaidassoonasIsteppedoutontotheminipedestalthatallsuchstoreshaveandfacedmyselfinthemirror.Ilooked,well,stunning.What’smore,IhadaPippabuttinthatdress!Itwouldhavelookedgreatatagardenorbeachwedding…forsomeoneelse.IfingeredtheheavyfabricwistfullyandtoldthemI’dhavetocomebackformyownappointment,andkeeplooking—forthekindofweddingEricandIwouldbeholding,Iwasgoingtohavetogoforthemotherofallgowns.
Thursday13October
7:15a.m.Thisisit.
8:20a.m.JustsawanoteonmydeskfromKai:
Goodluckwiththefinalroundofpartnershipinterviews.
Thenotetriggeredfreshroundsofpanicsweats,eventhoughIsprayedlayersofantiperspirantoverwholebody.LuckilyIhavetwobackupoutfits.
8:55a.m.Hmm,strange.Sureshisn’tinhisoffice(Iwalkedbyittogototheloo—Imean,toilet—becausethetoiletsonourfloorweretoobusy).Kaican’tgetanythingoutofhisstupidlyloyalPA,HongLim.Goddamnprinciples.
10:30a.m.Stillnotin.
11:45a.m.Totallyrandomthathe’snotathisdesk.He’sprobablygoingthroughtheinterviewsnow.IwonderifhedidbreakthingsoffwithAnousha.Notthatitmatters.Ormaybehe’llwaittilltheinterviewsareover.IfI’mbeingcynicalanduncharitable,itwouldhelphischancesuntilhe’ssecuredpartnership,thenInderjitcan’ttouchhim.Well,that’shisbusiness,onbothfronts.Notmine.
11:50a.m.Mustnotthinkofpuking.Mustnotthinkofpuking.
12:05p.m.Thankgoodnessforsecondsetofclothing.
2:30p.m.KaibuzzedmeandIwenttoInspiration,theconferenceroomwheretheseniorpartnersmakingupthePartnershipCommittee(sansMong,whowasstillinhospital)weregathered.SawGenevieveexitingtheroom;shesawmeandsmiledherWickedWitchoftheEastsmile.Hadnoideashewasupforpartnership.Howisthatevenpossible?She’sbeenpoppingbabiesoutlikeaChicletsdispenser
2:32p.m.Mustnotbeuncharitabletowardanotherwoman.Mustnotmakeitevenmoredifficultforworkingwomenwhochoosetohaveonebabyafteranother.EvenifsheistheSpawnofMedusa.
2:35p.m.Urgh,amaterribleperson—sheisafterallamemberofthesisterhood.Butstill.Let’sbehonest:isn’tsomethingsupposedtogive?HowisitGenevieveisthepossessorofallIwantinlife?Isn’tthemythofuscareerwomenbeingabletoHaveItAllinlifealreadydispelled?Howisitshechosetogetmarriedandhavebabieswhilehavingacareer,andI’mthesingleone,andIdon’tevengetaclearshotattheonethingthat’swithinmygrasp?
Anyway.Myturnnow.
4:47p.m.Done.Exhausted.Needvodkaandsleep.Willfindoutifmywholelifehasbeenwastedornotinafewdays.
Itwasaverydisturbinginterview.EvanBilson,themanagingpartnerwithwhomIhavespokentwiceinmylifesincehemovedtoSingaporetoheadtheofficetenmonthsago,wasbeingoddlyandopenlyhostile,askingmewhyIwasonlybilling2,210hoursthisyearinsteadofcloseto2,460hoursasIdidlastyear,arecordforseniorassociatesinthefirm.HesuggestedthatIwas“coasting.”WhenImentionedwestillhadovertwomonthstogotilltheyearended,hegavemethisimperiousstareandsaid,“Well,thenhowcomesomeofyourpeersarebillingmorethanyouare,whilespendingtimeawayfromtheirdesks?”
“DoyoumeanSuresh,futureson-in-lawofInderjitSingh?”Iwantedtoshout,butdidn’t.
“Honestly,”Isaid,withgreatfeeling,“Idon’tknowhowanyonecanputinmoretimethanIdoatthefirm.”
“ButyounearlycostusSungguh,”heremindedme.
“IbroughtinEricDeng.It’sasmallaccountofhis,butstill.AndChapelTownisinplayagain,whichmeansVizWare—”
“That’snotgoodenough,Andrea,tomakeupforSungguh.”
AfterwhichIthinktherestoftheinterviewwentdownthetoilet,sotospeak.
1:15a.m.I;wmbeingqsillyamvcleaarlybestchoicecforpartnerfrr1@!Meritocrazcyshaltriumpghoverneppooptism!!
Friday14October
7:20a.m.OhGod.Myeyes.
9:25p.m.Amsupposedtobeworkingonafilebutcan’tbecauseI’minphysicalagony,andnotjustbecauseofmylingeringhangoverbutalsobecauseImadethebaddecisionofbuyinghalf-pricesaladfromtheVietdeliforearlydinner.(WhyamIsocavalieraboutdeathbydiarrhea?WhyamInotsobravewhenitcomestomattersoftheheart?)
I’vejustreceivedatextfromKaiabouttheinterviews.Apparently,Kai,who’sfriendswiththechattierPAsworkingwithsomeoftheseniorpartnersonthecommittee,hadgottenwindthatIhadnotbeenselectedasoneofthetwofinalchoicesforthespot.Hersourceswereusuallyimpeccable.
AtfirstIwaslivid.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Iwasn’tevenoneofthefinaltwo?AftereverythingI’dsacrificedforthefirm?
WhatwasthepointofallthoseyearsofeatingsubparfoodfromtheVietdeli,ofchuggingcoffeeandRedBull(notatthesametime,butsometimesyes?),ofvoluntarilynottakingtheannualleavedatesIwasentitledto,justtolooklikeIwasbusy,evenwhenIwasn’t?WhatwasthepointofAll.That.Fucking.FaceTime?WhatdidIhavetoshowforit,exceptawholeclosetfulofbarelyusedbagsandactualeyebags?
Andwhat’sworse,myWorkDaddidn’tevenbelieveinme.
Iopenedmysecretstashofchocolate(hiddeninsideoneofmygymbags)andtookouttheemergencytequilafrommymini-fridge.Likeanautomaton,Istarteddowningboth.
Maybeitwasthealcoholortherage,butmidwayIgotup,ahipflaskfullofwhiskeyinonehand,andmademywayinadrunkenweavetoMong’soffice,havingavagueideaoflettinghimknowwhatajerkhe’dbeen,tostabmeinthebacklikethat.MaybeI’dburnhispreciouslawlibrary.That’llshowhim!
Ragewasmakingmetalkoutloud,butbecauseitwasalawfirmandpeoplemutteroutloudallthetime,likerightnutters,notonesinglepersonIpassedonmywaytoMong’sofficegavemeasecondlook,includingafewofthemorehard-coremouthbreathers—Imean,juniorspretendingtowork.
Ifoundmyselfstandingoutsidehisoffice,wild-eyed.
Noonewasin.IthitmethatIhadneverseenitinitscurrentstate:pitch-dark,empty,itsoverlordawayfortheevening:Mongdidn’texactlybelieveinpersonaltimeoff,muchlessholidays.Hewasalwaysworking.
Thedoorwasajar,soIslippedintolookaround,curious,havingneverbeeninhisofficeformorethanafewminutesatatimeandonlytoreceivehisinstructionsonafile.Iturnedontheantiquebrassreadinglamponhisdeskandloweredmyselfintothechairgingerly,almostasthoughIwasafraidhewouldpopoutfromtheshadowsandsay,inhislaconicway,“Boo.”
Mong’sofficewasastudyinminimalism.Behindhimweretheshelvesofexpensivebooksfromtheforemostlegalexperts,localandinternational,indifferentareasoflaw,thatI’dfleetinglycontemplatedincinerating.ThetwoframedpiecesofartwereJapanesewood-cutprints,ofsinglemenatstudy.Hisdeskwasconspicuouslybareexceptforafewofhisfavoriteawards,thosechintzycrystaltrophiesthattoldtheworldhowmuchhewasworth,andayellowlegalpadwithactualimportantwordsonthem,notdoodles.Nopicturesofhisfamily,nothingremotelypersonal,althoughthiswastheoneplacehespentthemosttimeandwasprobablytheoneplacehefelttrulyathome.Itwasn’tbecausehewasaprivateperson,exactly.Itwasjustatruereflectionofwhohewas:marriedtohiswork,everythingelsesecond.Thiswasn’tjusthisjob—itwashisidentity.
IhadamorbidimageofMong’sfuneral,andhoweveryonetherewasfromthefirmand,worse,dry-eyed.ForsomereasonI’dbeentaskedtogiveaeulogyaboutMong’slife,andallIcoulddowasreadoutalistofcaselawinwhichhe’dtriumphedoverhisopponents,andmadehisclientsveryhappyandrich
Andwhataboutme?HowwasIanydifferent?
Ididn’tlovethelaw,notthisway.YetIwasspendingalmostasmuchtimeashewasatwork.Perhaps,avoiceinsidemepipeduphesitantly,IshouldtakethisasasignthatIhadthewrongpriorities?
“No,”Iwhispered,shakingmyheadangrily.Ideservedtobeinthatseat.ItwastheonlythingIknew,andIwasgoodatit.Oneofthebest.Anddidn’tErictellmethatlifewasaboutcompromises,thatinthebeginninghehadn’twantedtotakeoverhisfamilybusiness,andnowherehewasmoldedtoitandittohim,andhe’dlearnedtoaccepthispath,tomakepeacewithhisbirthright,andnowhewasgladhedid?
Icalledhimandtoldhimaboutwhatthefirmhadapparentlydecided.
“Honey,”hesaid,“assoonasI’mbackfromVietnamthisweekend,I’mgoingtomakethingsright.”
“Whahyoumean,”Isaid,helpingmyselftothecontents(emergencywhiskey)ofmyhipflask.
“I’mgoingtotakemybusinessaway.AndI’mgoingtotellallmybusinesspartnerstostopusingyourlawfirm,goingforward.Theyaren’ttheonlyplayersintown.”Steelenteredhisvoice.“Andthen,we’regoingtolaunchananti-discriminationlawsuitagainstthem.”
“Yeaaaaargh!”Isaid,excitedandpossiblydrunk.“Suethem!Suethem!”(Eventhoughtherewasaremotechancethattherewasanotherfemalecandidateonthatlist,althoughIcouldn’tthinkofanyoneelse,maleorfemale,whodeservedthispromotionmorethanme,ifwewerelookingatmerits.)
“Andyoucansetupyourownlawfirmwiththebusinesswe’llchanneltoyou.I’llmakeyoumanagingpartnerofyourownfirm.Howdoesthatsound,mylove?”
“Yasthatshoundsamazing,”Islurred.“Areyousureaboutthis?”
“Andrea,youaremyfuture,”hetoldme.“Iwantyoutohaveeverything,anythingyou’veeverwanted.Theworldwillbeyours.”
“You’rethebesht!”
“Iloveyou,”hesaid.
“Idoyou,too,”Itoldhimexuberantly.“Ineedanapnow.”
SoItookone.
12:30a.m.Wokeup,headthrobbing,thentheeventsofjustnowcamerushingback.Asourmixofinjustice,anger,bitterness,andthedesireforrevengefizzedinmybelly.Ifeltbetrayedbythefirm,whichhaddangledapromotioninfrontofmefortwoyears.
Butnow,Ericwasprovidingmewithredemption,nomatterwhat.
Nomatter—
“Ding!”Apop-upnotification.Ared-hotjoltofadrenaline:SureshhadjustpublishedanotherTLTSstrip.
Inamotel,RheanandWaterbrokeapart,naked,trembling,returningtothemselves.Changingback.It’shappeningfasternow.
Thekillsjustkeepthemonashorterandshorterleash.
Therearetwobodiesonthefloorbesidetheirbed.Apimpandhisbusinesspartner,theirfacestwisted.Inhorror.Theywereyoung,intheirlatetwenties.Maybetheyweren’tevenpimps.Waterrealizeshedoesn’tknowanymore.
WaterturnedtoRhean.“Ican’tstopmyself.”
“NeithercanI,”sheadmits.
Heknowsthis.Thishadgoneonlongenough.
Hegetsup,shaking,walkstohiskillbag.Retrievesasyringemarked“W.”Withaswiftjabtohisthighheinjectshimselfwiththelethalcocktailofdrugshe’dconcoctedforthispurpose.Youdiefastwhenthathappens.Unless
Shecriesoutwhensheseeswhatheisabouttodo.Leapsoffthebedandrunstohim,toolate.
He’salreadyonthefloor,alreadydying.
“Rhean,”hesays,withdifficulty.
She’sshakingherhead,beatingthefloor,unabletoholdhimtowardtheend.“Why?”sheasks,eventhoughsheknows.
“MyNorthStar…,”hewhispered.Hisnicknameforher.“Doyourememberw-whyIchoseitforyou?”
Rheansnods,weeping.Betweentears,shemanagestofinishhiswordsforhim.“Youdon’thavetobethebrighteststarinthesky,butyou’retheoneIlooktowhenIneeddirection.”
“Iloveyou,Louise,”hesays,fading.Herememberseverythingnow.
Allofasuddenadaminsidemeburst.Icouldn’tstopcrying.Fromexhaustion,fromconfusion,thegnawingrealisationthatIwasstagnatingevenasIwasmoving,fromtheshapeofthingsunknowninmynewfuture.Butitwastimetomoveonfromtheill-fittinglifeI’dmademyownfortoolong.Ineededtoredeemmyowntrueself,whomevershewas,andEriccouldnotbepartofthatjourney.IwouldneverhavetoaskthehardquestionsinthelifeEricenvisagedforme,alifewhereallthetextureandsharpedgeswouldbesandedawaybymoneyandprivilege.Thatwasnotalife,atleastnotoneIwantedtolive.Thetimeforsafetynetswasover.
“YOLO,”Iwhispered,blowingmynosewithpiecesofMong’slegalpad.Thesnowflakeshaditright,afterall.PartVTHELASTTRUESELF51
Saturday15October
1:20a.m.JustcheckedTLTS.Sureshisnowat718KfollowersonInsta!Andthere’saheapofreactionvideosonYouTubeofpeoplecryingandmostofitisofthepositivekindwherenoonethreatensthecreatorofTLTSforendingWater.
It’sofficial—Suresh’sboldmovetokillWaterhasbrokentheinternet—ish
—
VisitedMongatthehospital.Hewasasleep,whichwasgood.Forlackofagoodgiftidea,IwrotehimacardandtoldhimthatVizWarewasinplayagain.Usmanhadwrittenintotellmethismorning.
AlsobroughthimasuperboringneweditionofsomecollectionofessaysfromasuperboringconstitutionallawexpertfromAmerica,sohe’dhavesomethinglighttoread.
ThenIcalledEric.
HemetmeatLesDeux,theveryfirstrestaurantweeverdinedattogether(“firstdate”seemedtoojuvenileawaytoputitwhenitcametoEric).Iwouldn’tlethimpickmeupfrommyplace,preferringtomeethimtheredirectly.
Therewaschampagne,avintagebottle,chillinginabucket,anddozensofredroses.HewassippingaglassofhisfavoriteBurgundyred.Isatdownandrefusedthemenuwhenoffered—Iwouldn’tbestaying.
“So,hereweare,”hesaid.
Ibitmylipandsaidnothing;Iliterallycouldnotspeak,soclenchedwasmyjaw.
“IthinkIalreadyknowwhatthisisabout,”hesaidafterseveraluncomfortablemomentshadpassed;histonewascool,hisfaceexpressionless.
Islidthebeautifulringinitsboxbacktohim.“I’msorry,Eric.Ijust…IreallythoughtIcould,butIcan’t.I’mso,sosorry.”Ilookedathimandlookedaway.Thewordsweretrivialcomparedtothevisibleimpactithadonhim.
Hepocketedtheboxandgavemeasmall,sadsmile.“It’sfine.Iwasafraidthatwaswhatyouweregoingtosaythemomentyoutoldmeyouwantedtomeetinpublic.ButIwashoping”—gesturingatthechampagne,roses—“thatmyinstinctswouldturnoutwrongthistime.”
“Iwantedsomuchtomeanyes,”Isaid,feelingworseandworse.“ButIwouldhavebeenmakingabigmistake.Youareagoodman—justnotforme.I’mso,sosorry,Eric—fortakingitback.”ItriedtoreturntheCharlesBukowskibook,evenifithadbecomesuchaprizedpossessiontomeinsuchashorttime.
Heflinchedandpusheditbacktome.“Pleasekeepthat—itwasagift.It’sfine,really.IknewthiswasthelikelieroutcomefromthemomentIsawyouhesitatewhenIproposed.Whenawomantellsyousheneedstimetomulloverherreplytoyourmarriageproposal…well,theoddsaredefinitelynotinyourfavor.Evenwhenyousaidyestomeinfrontofyourmother,Ithoughtyou…youseemed…unsure.”
“Whydidyouagreetowait,then?”
Heheldmyhandandgaveitasqueeze.“IguessIwantedsomemoretimetoendearmyselftoyou,inhopesthatonedayyou’dbeconvincedtokeepmebyyourside.”Heliftedmyhandtohislipsandkissedit.Thenheplaceditgentlyonthetable.“Goodbye,Andrea.”
“Goodbye,Eric.”Itwastakingallmywillpowernottoburstintotearsatthewoundedlookinhiseyes.Istoodandwalkedaway,butnotbeforeIpaidthetabonourtable(aneye-wateringsumforhiswineandtheuncorkedchampagne).ItwasnotaPowerMove,butitwastherightthingtodo.
Monday17October
8:30a.m.WenttoworkandputintheFaceTime.There’sstillachanceKai’sspiesarewrong.Itain’tovertillthefatladysings.
Still…whatachore.
Sunday30October
5:30p.m.JustcamebackfromKLaftervisitingmymomovertheweekend.She’srecoveredremarkablyquickly,eveniftheheartattackhadbeenaminorone.TurnsoutEricwasright:findingoutthatIwasengagedhadindeedhastenedherrecovery.
Ididtrytotellher,really;Ihaditallwrittendown.HowIrecognizedwhatagoodmanEricwasandhowwonderfulourlifewouldbe,butonewithoutthesurprises,thediscovery,andyes,eventhestruggle,thatmakelifeLife.ChoosingEricmeantchoosingtostudymedicinewhenIreallywantedtostudypharmacy,howeverridiculousthatanalogywas.ChoosingEricmeantnotultimatelychoosingMe.
ButIstillcouldn’t.Isawherwanfacelightupwhenevershetalkedaboutweddingvenuesanddates,andIcouldn’tdoit.Shemayendupwaitingonthelongestengagementever.
1:05a.m.OMG.Whatwillhappentomewhenshefinallyfindsout?WhenAuntieWeiWeiandthewholeclanfindout???Willneverheartheendofit.I’llhavetochangemynameandmovetoJapan,wherepeoplehavegivenuponreproducingandhaveturnedtomuchmoreenlightened,spirituallyrenewingsocialactivities,likeviewingbloomingsakuras,bathinginonsens,etc.AndmaybeatoneoftheonsensIwill,whileintopphysicalshape,runintothedivine,utterlyage-appropriateTakeshiKaneshiro,whoisstill,asfarasIcangoogle,single,andweshallfallhopelesslyinlove.
Mmm.TakeshiKaneshiro.
1:35a.m.TextedLindaaboutpossiblymovingtoJapan.
1:45a.m.Shetextsback:TrylearningkanjithentellmehowyoufeelaboutJapaninanhour.
Irolledmyeyes.IspeakMandarin,bahasaIndonesia,English,twoChinesedialects,andSpanishatB2level.HowdifficultcanJapanesebe?Challengeaccepted.
3:05a.m.ForgetJapan.
Monday31October
7:15a.m.TerribleMRTride.Blondcyborgcyclistwasbackandweirderthanever.Why,God,why,aremennotarrestedonpublicindecencyiftheywearLycrasuits?Why?It’ssounfair!
9:20a.m.Must…not…hurl…myself…out…of…building…
10:15a.m.Oohcroissants!
1:20p.m.Havedecidedtoembarkonaself-imposedseasonofsobriety.MuchasIhatedtoadmitit,IthinkIdrinkabittoomuch.Ihavetostopusing(somuch)alcoholandAngryBirds/CandyCrushaswaystoself-medicate.Abusingalcoholandmobilephonegamesisnotallowingmespacetodeveloptheclarityofmindneededtoidentifyandunderstandtherootcause(s)ofmyproblemssothatIcouldtrulysolvethem,accordingtoalisticleIfoundonamentalhealthwebsitetoday.
3:15p.m.OK,it’smaybeprematuretolumpmobilephonegameswithalcohol.AngryBirds,forexample,promotesproblem-solvingskillsandhand-eyecoordination.It’sthekeytokeepingthebrainyoung,unlikealcohol,ruinerofbrains.
7:05p.m.MaybewilljusthaveaweebitofMalbec.
1:03a.m.Oof.
Saturday5November
Exercisedtoday.Ran3kmonatreadmill.
Fine,powerwalked.
Fine,walked.
Butstill—it’sastart.52
Saturday12November
TodayisValerie’sBigDay!
Igotreadywiththeenthusiasmofadetaineegoingtoaforcedlaborcamp.Thisweddingwasgoingtobeanextravagantsnorefest.Valerie’sfriendsweresuperboringtai-tais,thekindthathadbeensosuccessfullydeclawedbytheirceaselesslyunsurprisinglifeofcomfortandluxurythattheonlythingthatstimulatedthemwastheconsumptionofluxurygoodsandbeingprofiledbyonesocietymagazineortheother.IcouldonlyhopethatRalphKang’sfriendsturnedouttoberagingdrunks,professionalclowns,orcharmingintellectuals.
Ralph’sfriends…
Theblooddrainedfrommyface.IhadtotallyforgottenthatEricwouldbeattendingthewedding!
IcontemplatedflingingmyselfoffatallbuildingbutthenrealityreasserteditselfandIsighed.IwouldlikelyseeEricagaineventuallysowhynotnowinthecivilizedsettingoffivehundredofsociety’sWho’sWho.IwouldbeliketheDudeinTheBigLebowski,ZenasaJapanesezephyronValium.
BythetimeIarrivedatOneFullertonIwassweatingsohardthatIwasworrieditwasshowingthroughallthegoldlaceofmyfavorite(andonly)Valentinogown,avintagepieceIhadchancedupononedayinaboutiqueinChelsea,London.ButIneedn’thaveworriedbecausethesheeramountofblingondisplay(andtheconcentratedgloryemanatingfromsuchatightclutchofegos)wasfarmoredistractingthanmysweatstains,plusthelightingwasflattering.Idownedacoupleofglassesofvintagechampagne,breakingmyseason—Imean,weekofsobriety,alas,andimmediatelyfeltbetter,sothatbythetimeLindaarrived,herselfplus-one-less(Jason,whohadbeeninvited,wasdownwithflu),Iwasinasignificantlyupbeatmood.Asusual,shelookedamazing;sheworeafittedmermaidgowninadeepoxbloodredsatinthatsetoffherfairskinandjetblackhairtomaximumadvantage.Shewouldn’tbedancingalonelater,thatmuchwasforsure.
Shegavemeahugassoonasshesawmeandsaid,“You’reluckyI’vegotsparedeodorant.Comewithme.”
Ilookedathertinycigaretteclutchandsaid,“How—”
“It’sbestyoudon’tasktoomanyquestions,”washercrypticreply.
Fifteenminuteslatershehadfixedmeandthecocktailhourwasdrawingtoaclose.Wewereescortedtoourseatsrightnexttothebridaltable.IwasgratifiedtoseethatValerie,thoughtfuleveninthefaceofhergeneralflightiness,hadmadesurethatEricandIwerenolongerseatedatthesametable.IdidhoweverhavethecompanyofLaLinda,whichmadeitmorebearable;shewastheonlyoneatthetableIknewasidefromtwowomenfromValerie’shennightcoterie,andtheywerefartoobusynetworkingwithothermoreimportantpeoplethanmeandchattingwiththeirplus-ones.
Someonerangagongandeveryoneelsedriftedtotheirrespectivetables,decoratedintheautumnalwhite-and-goldcolorschemeoftheweddingwithcenterpiecesoffacetedcrystalvasesfilledwithspraysofwhiteostrichfeathers,goldbranches,andsoftwhiteflowers.IglancedaroundtoseewhoelseIknewinthecrowd,andhadtostopmyselffromboltingwhenIsawAnousha,seatedatatablenearbywiththemanagingpartnerofmyfirm,EvanBilson,alongwithafewoftheseniorpartnersandtheirplus-ones.Ihadalmostforgottenthatthefirmhadbeeninvited,Ralphbeingalong-standingclient;IguessAnoushaandEvanmustknoweachotherfrombefore,someLondonconnectionperhaps.IfoundmyselfwishingSureshwasthere,butIknewhewasstillinJakarta.
Iwasjustmoroselythinkingtomyselfthattheweddingcouldn’tgetanyworsewhenEricmadehisappearance,dashinginablacktuxasheenteredtheballroomwithhisarmaroundthewaistofnoneotherthanAnne,Diana’smom.Theymadeasplashastheywovetheirregalwaytotheirtable;Anne’sone-shoulderedcanaryyellowgownstoodoutfromthecrowd.Shelookedfabulous,butIhadafeelingthathersmugsmilehadmoretodowithhersocietydebutonthearmofEricDeng,whohadhithertokeptherexistencehush-hush,thanherexquisitedress.
Thereleaseofemotionsuponactuallyseeinghim,them,eventhoughIhadknownthathewouldbethere,hitmesuddenlyandhard.Igasped.
“Oh,sweetie,”Lindawhispered,grippingmyhandtightlyunderthetable.She,too,hadseenEric.
Iwatchedhimlikeahawk.Atonepointtheywalkedpastourtable,andoureyesmet.Inoddedathimandgavehimatightsmile.AbarelyperceptibletighteningofthelipswastheonlyacknowledgmentIgot.Thenhelookedaway,expressionless,asthoughhehadn’tseenme,orworse,hehadseenmebutdeemedmeunworthyofrecognition.AsthoughIwasastranger.
Annelookedmywayandgiftedmewithalife-sappingglare.You’dthinkshe’dbemoregrateful,consideringhowquicklyshehadrisenuptheranksofhisaffection.EricDeng,notoriousforhisreserveandprotectiveofhisprivacy,couldnotbemakingabiggerstatementthanhispublicparadewithheronhisarminthatdress.
Justlikewhenhepoppedthequestiontoaroomfulofhisclosestfriendsandfamily,andthenyoudroppedhimlikeahotstoneandhumiliatedhim,avoiceremindedmeinmyhead.Ifeltworseandworse.Idownedtwoglassesofchampagneinquicksuccessionbeforeaskingtheserverforanother.Lindatriedtogetmetoslowdownwithoutdrawingattentiontomydrinking,butsheneedn’thaveworried—therewasseriousshoulder-rubbinggoingonatourtable,whichhadadeputyminister,aMediacorpstar,andasuccessfulAustriantechentrepreneurinhisearlyforties,good-lookingandobviouslyinterestedinLinda,butwhoLindawassteadfastlyignoring;theoldLindawouldhaveencouragedandtoyedwithhim,evenifsheweren’tinterested.NobodyexceptLindacaredthatIwasdrinkingmyselftooblivion,orwhy.IwassuddenlygladIknewnooneatthewedding.
BythetimeValerieandRalphmadetheirgrandentrance,wavingandsmiling,Iwasquitetipsy.Ralphwaswearingasharpblacktuxedothatflatteredhistallbutslightlyportlyframe;ValeriewasstunninginachampagnegoldInbalDrorgownthatIhadtillthenonlyseenphotosof;itwasalong-sleeved,lacybeadednumberwithaplungingV-necklineingoldbraidandadaringfrontslit,showcasingValerie’ssvelteandtonedbodytohoneyedperfection.Shewasradiantinherhappiness.EvenRalphlookedradiant,literallyandfiguratively.
Valeriehadobviouslystartedhimonacourseofveryablativelasertherapy,becausehelookedlikehe’dbeenPhotoshopped—inperson.Helookedonlyafewyearsolderthanhisrealage.
Thefestivitiescontinuedwiththeusualspeechesandperformanceswhiledinnerwasbeingserved.Midwaybetweenthefourthandfifthcourses,aspeoplebegantomingleagainwhilethebandstartedtoplay,Istoodup.
“Whereareyougoing?”Lindaasked.
“Tothetoilet,”Istage-whisperedtoeveryone.
“I’mcomingwithyou.”Lindastoodupandheldmyelbow,butIshookheroff.
“Iamfine,”Ihissed.ThenIclatteredmywaytotheladies’,where,mercifully,therewasnoqueueandonlytwoladiespowderingtheirnosestohearmegaggingoverthetoiletbowlasIstruggledtoemptythecontentsofmystomach.Ikneltthereontheluxurioustoiletfloorinmyluxuriousgownwithtearsandsnotrunningdownmyface,feelingsorryformyself,untilmykneesbegantoprotest.IlookedatmywatchandrealizedIhadbeengoneforlessthanfiveminutes.Great,evenmybodywasbetrayingme.
IopenedthestalldoortofindLindawaitingforme.Shewasholdingatallglassofwarmwaterwithafewslicesoflemoninit.“Drinkit,”sheordered.Idrankit.
“Takethis,”shesaid,handingmeapill.Shemadeafacewhenshesawmyhesitation.“Trustme,it’sgoingtomakeyournauseagoawayandit’stotallysafewithalcohol.ThiswasmylifesaverinCannes.”
Itookthepillwithaglassoftapwater.Don’targuewiththeexperts.
“You’reonthevergeofruiningthisnightbymakingascene.Areyougoingtostopdrinkingfortherestoftheeveningorwhat?”shesaidsternly.
“Yes,”Isaidinasmallvoice.
“Promiseme.”Lindacanbeveryscarywhenshe’sstandingoveryoueightinchestallerthankstoacombinationofsuperiorgenesandsky-highheels.
“Yes,”Isqueaked.
“Good.”SherelaxedandwentbacktoFriendMode.“NowI’mgoingbacktomyseat.You’regoingtowaittwominutes,fixingyourmakeupandhairinthemeantime,thenreturntoyourseat,tucomprends?”
Inodded.
Butthenightwasnotslatedtogomyway.AsIwaswalkingbacktotheballroom,whoshouldIseebutthehatchet-facedandmucholder,verymarried-with-sprogsEvan,lockedinapassionateliplockinashadowyalcove…withAnousha!
“Ahhh!”Iscreamed.
“Ahhh!”Anoushascreamed,pushingEvanawaylikehewasadiseasedleper.ButEvanwasbuiltlikeaformerrugbyplayerandbarelyjudderedonthespot.Heblearilylockedeyeswithme—andbelched.
Iran.Thiseveningwasdefinitelyonahighwaytohell.Coulditgetanyworse?
Itcould,apparently.Anoushacorneredmesometimeduringtheeighthcourse,sansEvan.
“Weneedtotalk,”shehissedinmyearaftersmilingandgreetingeveryoneatthetable.Thensheledmeoutdoors,litacigarette,andofferedmeone,whichIaccepted.
“So,yousawmeandEvan…having,ah,amomentjustnow.”Jumpingrightintoit.
“Yes,”Isaid.Alcohol-composed.Sincewitnessingthatdisturbingclinch,IhadtotallyignoredLinda’sevileyeanddownedtwoglassesofwhitewinesuccessively.
“Ithinkyouknowthatyouowemeone.ThegreatAndreaTang.I’veheardsomuchaboutyoufrommyfiancé.Can’tsayI’mafan,especiallyafterSureshtoldmethatyouguyskissedontheplane,afterLuxembourg.HetoldmebeforeheleftforJakarta.”
“Oh?”Isaid,serene,notbotheringtocorrectherthatithadbeenmoreofalip-brushthanalip-lock.IwasinaveryZenplacerightnow.Shedidn’tscaremeatall.Iknewthenthatthatwassomenext-levelshitthatLindahadgivenme.Imadeamentalnotetorequestsomemorepillsoncethisnightmareofaneveningwasover.
“Don’tactcoy,”Anoushasaid,hereyesnarrowingasshestubbedoutthecigarette,alongwithsomeofmytoes,withhershoe.Ifeltthegrindingfromafaraway,untouchablecloud.Ismiledatherandsawthefirstflickerofuncertaintyinhereyes.
“Whatdoyouwant?”Iaskedquietly.
Shesmiledheranacondasmile.“Whathappenedoutthere…wasaone-time,drunkenmistake.Iwantyoutokeepwhatyousawtoyourself,ifyouwanttokeepyourjob,thatis.”
“Bullshit.Howlonghasthisbeengoingon?”Isaid.Iknewafirst-timeclinchwhenIsawone—thewaytheywereproddingtongueswastoofamiliar,toohonest.
“Noneofyourfuckingbusiness.”HerdefensivetonetoldmeeverythingIneededtoknow.“YoukissedSureshfirst,andnowhe’slosttheplot.I’mmerelysettingthingsrightagain.”
Ihadnoideawhatshewastalkingabout,soIjustraisedmyeyebrow,Linda-style.IfeltsorryforSuresh,whosefiancéewasonsometwistedrevengemission.
Sheconfirmedmysuspicions.“ItoldEvanthatIstronglypreferred,andthatmyfatherwouldagreewithmeifIaskedhim,ifyouwerenotmadepartnerthisyear.Justasalittleremindertoknowyourplace.Alittleprobation.MaybesometimespentbeingsecondedinMyanmar.Iheardit’sjustfullofeligiblehumanrightsviolators—rightupyouralley,isn’tit?”Shesmirked.“Andwhoknows,ifyouaregood,inoneyear,twoyearsdowntheroad…you’llbebackonpartnertrack.Ifyouarebehaved.AndyoustayawayfromSuresh—he’smine.”
Soheneverbrokeupwithher,despitewhathe’dsaid.Somehowthatrevelationhurtmemorethanitshould.
“Soletmegetthisstraight:you’reboningamarriedmanoldenoughtobeyourdad,justsoyoucangetbackatme?That’spathetic.Andsuperunfeminist.”
“IalwaysgetwhatIwant,”shesaidinresponse,thoughherconfidentmaskwasslipping.NowIknewforsurethatthepartnershipwassecondary:shehadmainlyhookedEvantohurtSuresh,tohurtme.ShethoughtthatmycareerwasallIhad.Shewasn’twrong—itusedtobe;infact,untilrecentlyithadbeeneverythingtome—butitwouldnolongerbe.Maybeitwasthedrugstalking,ormaybeitwasthemagicoftheGomez-Kangunion,butsuddenlyIrealizedthatthejobthatIwasclingingto,myshitty,life-suckingjobthatpaidmesowelltoaffordthingsIdidn’tneed,didn’tmatterinthegrandschemeofthings.AndIwastiredofhavingotherpeople’sdecisionsdictatethecourseofmylife.
“Fuckyou,fuckpartnership,fuckthelawfirm.TellEvanthathedoesn’thavetoworryaboutme—I’mresigningrightnow.”(Loud,unladylikebelch.)“I’llhavealetteronhisdeskfirstthingMonday;oh,andbytheway,tellEvanthatI’llservemythreemonths’noticeinabsentia,asgardenleave,yougotthat?Anddon’tworry”—Ilookeddeepintohereyes,feelingsoberandincontrolforthefirsttimeinalongtime—“Ihaveothermoreimportantthingsinmylifetoconcernmyselfwiththanwhichlimpwickyou’reburning.I’llkeepyourandEvan’sgoddamnsecretforallyoursakes.Youdisgustme,youknowthat?IpitySuresh;Ipityyoumostofall.”Istubbedoutthecigaretteonherclutchandsheyelped.“Haveanicelife,Anousha.”
IstumbledawaywithasmuchdignityasIcould.Drunkenwalk-offsarenoteasy.
ItoldLindawhathadhappened(wedon’tkeepsecretsfromeachother,andshecouldbetrustedtokeepthistoherself—andmaybeJason;butitstopsatJason,forsure).ThenewsofAnousha’sinfidelityshegreetedwithindifference(“Theirrelationshipistoastanyway,”washerreasoning).ShecongratulatedmeonfinallyshakingoffthecorporateshacklesandaskedmewhatIwasgoingtodowithmytime.IrealizedIdidn’tknow.DespitehowmuchIbitchedandmoanedaboutwork,Ididenjoyaspectsofit;workingasalawyerhadgivenmeaverycomfortablesalary,forone.Ijusthadn’ttakenabreakinthelasttwoyearsasIracedtobecomeapartner,andnowIwasadrift.AllIknewwasIneededabreatherfromworkandcorporatelife,andthatmeantIshouldnotbejob-huntingorodd-jobbing,just“resting”or“pursuingleisureactivities,”whateverthosewere.Iwashoweveracutelyawarethatmynewhobbiesweregoingtohavetobecheap,sinceIstillhadamortgagetopayandsomewhatlimitedsavings.MaybeIcouldlearntocrochet?Lawnbowl?Joinachurchchoir?
ThetroublewaseverythingIcouldthinkofthatseemedcheapasanactivityjustseemedso…so…boring.
ValerieandRalphbeganmakingtheroundsintheballroomtogreettheguests.Whentheyfinallyreachedourtable,shepromisedtohaveacigarettetogetherwithmebeforethenightwasover.Sureenough,justasthedessertwasbeingserved,Valerietappedmeontheshoulderandwemanagedtoevadewell-wisherstoduckoutsidetothesamespotwhereAnoushaandIhadhadourearlierspat.Iquicklycaughtheruponthesituation(Valeriewastrustworthy).
“Thisisfate,”Valeriesaidemphatically.Shegrippedmybareshoulders.“This,darling,isanopportunity.Youhavenojob.”
“Right.”
“Nolife.”
“Yep.”
“Nothingtolose.”
“Thanks,”Isaidsarcastically.
“YouknowwhatImean”—shewavedtheairdismissively—“sofocusontheimportantmessagebehindmywords:youhavetoliveyourlife.Takeupgolfing!Joinanewbookclub!Lifewaitsfornoone!Car-paydee-em!”
“Right,”Isaid,touched.Valeriemightthrowclichésouteveryothersentenceorso,butatleasttheywerealwaysapropostothesituationathand.Igaveheranimpulsivehugonceagain.“Thatcertainlyworkedwellforyou.Congrats,babe.Youdeserveeveryhappinessintheworld.”Oddlyenough,tearsprickedmyeyes.“You’reagoodfriend,youknowthat?”
“Thatgoesbothways,Andrea,”Valeriereplied,pleasedwithmycompliment:itwasthefirsttimeshehadeverheardmerefertoherassuch.“Well,ifI’magoodfriend,thenforgoodness’saketellmethetruth:youcareforSuresh,don’tyou?”
Iswallowed.“Imean,Ithinkifthingshadbeendifferent,andwe’dbothbeensingle,Icouldperhapsseemyselfcaringforhim.”
Valeriemadeanimpatientnoise.“Ifyouwanttobehappy,youhavetostartbeinghonestwithyourself.Sowhenyou’vedecidedtoadmittoyourselfthatyoudocareforSuresh,don’twaitaroundforhimtoreturnfromhissecondmentbeforetellinghimhowyoufeel.Don’tuseAnoushaasanexcuseanylonger.GotoJakartaandsurprisehim.”Shestartedfishingaroundinherclutch.“Now,ifyouwanttofindhimwithoutgoingthroughyourlawfirmorKai,here’sthenumberofaprivateinvestigator/psychicIusedwhenIwasstillmarriedtomyfirsthusband.He’sverygood.He’llfindSureshevenifhe’sinabodybagatthebottomofthePacific!”
“Er,thanks,”Isaid,pocketingthecardshehadjusthandedme.Heractionsraisedalegitimate,worryingquestion:whywasshecarryingaroundthebusinesscardofaprivateinvestigator/psychicatherwedding?
Alas,beforeIcouldask,shewasswallowedbyamobofsocialiteswishingtotakea“we-fie”withher.ThenIsawhernomoretillshewaswavingatusassheandRalph“left”fortheirhoneymoon,i.e.,wenttotheirbridalsuiteatthehotel.
Startbeinghonestwithyourselfabouthowyoufeel,Valerie’svoiceechoedinmyhead.
HowdidIfeel?
Itookadeepbreathandletitout.IfIwerebeinghonest,Ididknow.Ijustwasn’tsurehowSureshfeltaboutit.ButIresolvedtotellhimthenexttimeIsawhim.
Asformyjob,itwashightimetocutthosepuppetstrings.Letthemtrytofindsomeotherdedicated,attractive,intelligentlawyerwhowouldsacrificeeverythingforherjob,andseeiftheyhaveluckwiththat!
NowthatIhadmadeupmymindonmynextsteps,Iwenthometoworkonthem.Asin,Iwenttosleep.Hey,ithadbeenalongday.53
Sunday13November
EventhoughIhadalotofthingstosaytoSureshinperson,Ididn’tuseValerie’sPI.That’sjustnothowIroll.ButIdidtendermyresignation,aspromised,viaemail.
Thenallhellbrokeloose.Butthankstothewondersoftechnology,Imutedallthehystericaltexters.IturnedonNetflix,andIliterally,noteuphemistically,chilled.
Ifeltgreat.
Monday14November
Wenttotheofficetocollectmypersonalitems,asrequestedbyHR.Mygardenleaveofthreemonthshadbeenapprovedby,youguessedit,Evanhimself.
Threemonths.Thatisalmostunheardofinthispartoftheworldandinthissector.IwasalmostfeelingguiltyforthefirmwhenIrememberedallthelonghoursofovertimeI’dsacrificedtotheseungratefulbastardsinthehopeofmakingpartner,andalltheguiltevaporatedinajiffy.
Gotinaround4:00p.m.tocompletemyexitinterviewwithaskinnierMong,backfromhisseconddenguescareandwhocouldn’tstopblinkingawaytearsduringthatonehour,blesshim,andthestony-facedHRmanager.
WhentheHRmanagerhadgone,IpulledoutmyphonetoaskMongabouttheemailIhadseen.Ineededtheclosure.
“DidyoureallythinkSureshwasthebettercandidateforpartnerthisyear?”
Hedidadouble-take.“Suresh?Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Wordlessly,Ishowedhimthescreenshotofhisemail.
Mongreadwhatwasonthescreenandlookedabitshocked.“Andrea,honestly,that’snotwhathappened.Here’stheactualemailIsent.”
Heshowedmehisphone.“Readit,”hesaidquietly.
Dearpartners,
Intermsofbothcandidates,SureshandAndrea,IdothinkthatSureshisthebettercandidateonpaper…butAndreaisthebettercandidateoverall.Sheisafighter.Shewillnevergiveup.That’swhatIthinkifyouaskedmetochoosebetweenthesetwoexcellentcandidates.
Best,SimMong
“Ichoseyou,”hesaid.“Iwillalwayschooseyou,myWorkDaughter.Besides,youdogetthatyousawadraftemail,right?DidyoureallythinkthatIwouldmissafullstop?Me?”
“Ididn’tknowwhattothink,Iwassoshocked,”Iadmitted.Atearcametomyeye.“ButIsupposeIshouldhaveknownbetterthantothinkthelegendaryTohSimMongwouldcommitatypo.”
“Amen.”Hehuggedme,tight.“DearGod,I’llmissyou.Iwishyoutheverybestinthenextstageofyourcareer.Ihavenodoubtyouwillbeastar,nomatterwhereyouendup…justaslongasit’snotwithacompetitor.”
“Itwon’tbe,”Iassuredhim,sniffling.
“Right-o,mylove.”
Thenheleftmetogobacktowork,indubitably.
Ienteredmyofficeandsawmyteam—Kai;myjuniors,JosiahandXiLin;theassociatesIwasfriendlywith:Carla,PeiLynn,Dina,andWaiSeng—gatheredinsidewithafarewellcakeandgifts,includingabeautifulink-blackChanel19maxiflapbagfromMong(thankstoKai’sguidance,nodoubt).Iwassotouched.
Whentheeating,singing,andspeechesweredoneandeveryonehadleft,IstartedtopackmybelongingsintothelargeIkeaplasticcratesandseveralcardboardboxesthatKaihadpreparedforme.Iheardaknockonthedoorandsaidabsently,“Comein.”
“It’sme,”Sureshsaid,lookingdapperinasharpdove-graysuitandaturquoisetie.Heshutthedoorbehindhim.
Ipretendedtobebusy,rifflingthroughanopenboxI’djustpacked,consistingmostlyof,surprisesurprise,oldsportsbrasandleggings.“CanIhelpyouwithsomething?”Isaidstiffly.
Hepickedupabusinesscard(Langford-Bauer’s)fromthe“dump”pileonmytableandstudieditintently,maybebecauseI’dcrossedouthisnameandscrawled“Satan’sspawn”onit.“Iheardyesterdaythatyou’releavingthefirmfromAnousha,whohearditfromEvan.ObviouslyIwasthelasttoknow.JustlikewhenEricproposedtoyou.”
Histonewasprickly,andIfeltmyhacklesrising.“Well,it’snotlikewe’vebeencommunicatingmuchsinceAnoushacameback,”Isaid.
“Andnowyou’releavingthefirm,I’mguessingtobecomeMrs.Deng?”Histonewascutting.“Idon’tblameyou:you’vealwayshatedyourjob,andnowhere’syourgildedexitstrategy.”
SoSureshstillthoughtIwasengagedtoEric,andthatlittlebarb,fromhimofallpeople…
“Well,I’mgladI’mnotstuckinadeadrelationshipwheremypartnertreatsmycareerasbeingmoreimportantthanthemanhimself,”Iblurted,toohurttocorrecthimaboutEric.
Hewasbemused.“Whatthehelldoesthatmean?”
“Whydon’tyouaskAnousha,whoyouneverbrokeupwith,”Ireplied,duckingmyheadandpickinguptheboxbeforehecouldseethetearswellinginmyeyes.“Well,noworries.Withmeoutoftherunningyou’lldefinitelyhaveaclearshotatbeingmadepartnernextyear.”
Hethrewuphisarms.“Andrea,whatareyoutalkingabout?Iquit.Almostamonthago.AndI’venegotiatedanearlyexitfrommynoticeperiod.That’swhatI’vebeentryingtotellyou.”
“What,becauseevenAnoushacouldn’tmakeyoupartner?”Isaid.
“Andrea,I’veneverbeeninseriouscontentionforpartnership,notthisyearanyway,evenifI’meligibleforit.MymovetoSingaporewasinrealityaself-inflicteddemotionbecause,andyoushouldhaveknownthis,therewasnowayIcouldhavebuiltupmynetworkandbroughtinenoughbusinessthisyearintimeforthepartnershiprounds.That’swhyInderjit’sbeensoadamantaboutbuyingusahouseinLondon.Hewantedmebackinthepartnershipsaddle—inLondon.”
“Butyoukepttalkingaboutit!”
“Iwasstillhalfheartedlyworkingtowardit,butonlybecauseAnoushwantedanexpensivewedding.Thensomewherealongtheline,inJakarta,whenIhadalotoftimetothink,itbecameabundantlyclearIdidn’tcareaboutbeingpartnerorevenbeingalawyeratall.PlusIlikedneedlingyou.Youseemedsoobsessedwithit,soIthoughtI’dplayalong.”
“B-but…”Mythoughtswerespeedingineverydirection;Iwasgobsmacked.“So…so…sowhogotmadepartner?”ItwastheonlyquestionItrustedmyselftoaskwithoutburstingintotears.AllthiswhileI’dbeenbeefingwithhimoverthestupidpartnership—andhehadn’tevenbeenincontention?
Hepressedhislipsintoapaleline.“ItwasGenevieve.Haven’tyouheard?Theyjustannounceditoveremail.”
Icouldn’tbelieveit.IhadruinedeverythingbecauseofGenevieve.No,Icorrectedmentally,becauseofmystupidego,becauseIwassoobsessedwithbeingthebest.Iwasfurious.
“Butwhat…whatwillyoudonext?”
“Mycomic.I’mgoingtotrytoturnitintoagraphicnovel,likethatagentsuggested.”
“Congrats,”Isaid.
“Butenoughaboutme,whataboutyouandEric?What’snext?”
“We’rebuyingacastletogether,”Ilashedout.
“Goodforyou,”hesaidtonelessly.“IbrokeupwithAnoushayesterday,bytheway,whenshegotbackfromherone-monthobservershipinSeattle.”
“Goodforyou,”Isaid,equallytonelessly,eventhoughIfeltasthoughsomeonehadsuckerpunchedme.Sothat’swhyhetooksolongtodoit.Hewasconsistentinbeingagentleman,atleast
ThenIboltedwiththehalf-packedboxofstuffI’dbeenworkingonbeforehecamein.Despitemyrecentjourneyofself-improvement,I’mstillatheartafraidofconfrontation;Iwantedtoresolvethemisunderstanding,butIwasterrifiedhe’dlaughatmeandsaythatI’djustbeenadistractionatwork,andnowthathewasn’tgunningforpartner,nowthathe’dbrokenupwiththewomanhe’dbeenwithforoveradecade,he’dwanttobesingleordatesomeonehotterandmoresuccessfulthanme.
SowhileIstillhadseveralboxesinmyoffice,IwouldgetKaitoretrievethemformelater.Ijusthadtogetaway.
Irantothetoilet,foundanemptystall,andshutmyselfinthere.ItriedtostemtherisingtideoftearsbythinkingaboutthespringcollectionofLouisVuittonbags,butthatbackfiredsinceIwouldn’tbeabletoaffordthemanymore.Shit.ThenIthoughtaboutthechaosthatwouldhitmyleastfavoriteclients,whatwithmeandSureshleaving,thetwobesthustlersinthefirm,andsomeonesubparlikeGenevievebeingmadepartner,andlikemagicallmytearsandregretsaboutleavingdiedaway.
Everydarkcloudhasasilverlining—buttheirswouldn’t.
All’swellthatendswell—exceptforthem.
Goodthingscometothosewhowait—andtheywillwaitforever.
(OK,OK,I’llstop.)
IstayedintherelongerthanIshouldadmit,notwantingtorunintoSureshagainonmywayout.FinallyIgotmyselftogether,gatheredmythings,leftthetoiletwithmyheadheldhigh,andgotintotheelevator,whereIpromptlybumpedintoGenevieve,who’dbeenonmaternityleavetillacoupleofweeksagoandhadreturnedlookingsvelteandwellrested,everythingamotherwithanewbornwouldn’tusuallybe.IsavoredthesmallhappinessofknowingI’dneverhavetoseeherorsmellheragain.Whenthedoorsopenedtothebuildinglobby,Iwasabouttobreezepasther(asfastasIcould,consideringIwascarryingaboxofbooksandothertrinkets),whenshepipedupinaconversationalvoiceallthewhileside-eyeingme,“Isn’titashamewhenpeopleleave?Especiallywhentheyknowtheycan’tgofurtherinafirm?”
Somethinginmedetonated.Maybeitwasyesterday’sshrimpcurry.Ididn’tlingertoinvestigate.“Iwouldn’tbesosmug:yourhusbandisonTINDER,andWEMATCHED!”Ishouted,astheelevatordoorsclosedonhersurprised,andgrossed-out,facebeforeshecouldmakeherownexit.AndIknowitwaschildish,dearDiary,butbygolly,itfeltgood.
Ican’tbelieveIusedtocareaboutwhatshethoughtaboutmychoicesinlife.
IplacedtheboxonthefloorandfishedinthepackedCelinebagforsometissuestoplugmyrunningnose(allergiestriggeredbyGenevieve’sridiculousfragrance)whenIrealizedtherewassomethingelseintherethatI’dmanagedtoforgetabout:Suresh’sletter.
Myhearthammering,Itoreitopenwithtremblinghands.Readthehandwrittenwords,againandagain,untilmyvisionswamwithit.
AndthenIbegantorun.54
Iranalloverthelobbylikealoonandfinallyoutofthebuilding,scanningthetaxiqueue,hopinginvaintocatchSureshsomehow,buthewasnowheretobefound.Dammit.Idecidedtotakeataxitohisplacerightaway;Icouldn’tletoffnoworI’dchickenoutasusual.Ineededtofindhim.
ItwastimetolethimknowthatthingsbetweenEricandmewereoverandthathewasthereasonwhy,toapologizeforalwaysassumingtheworstofhimandcleartheair,tokisstheheckoutofhimifhe’dallowit,basically.Inthecab,Ireadhisnoteoncemore:
Andrea,I’mnotsurehowtotellyouthis,sincewe’rebothwithotherpeople,butI’vefallenforyouandifyou’llgivemeachanceIwouldliketoshowyouwhatyoumeantome.IhavetoleaveforNewYorkonMonday14NovemberforthenextsixmonthsandIdon’tknowwhat’sgoingtohappen,butIthinkwehavewhatittakestomakeitwork,nomatterwhat.
You’remyNorthStar,Andrea.
WhenIgottoSuresh’s,IwassoeagertoseehimagainthatIdidn’tevencarethatIwasraisingaruckus;Ijuststartedbangingonthedoor.
Thedoorflewopenandableary-eyed,unshaven,andwild-hairedfacethatbelongedtoneitherSureshnorAnoushapeeredatme.“Whothefuck?”themansaid.“Whatdoyouwant?Whateveritisyou’reselling,Auntie,I’mnotbuying!”
IsquintedatthedegeneratestillinbedsolateonaMondayafternoon.Helookedvaguelyfamiliar.IttookmeafewmomentstorealizewhereI’dseenhimbefore.“Chandran?It’sme,Andrea.FromCatanwithSureshafewmonthsago.”
“Oh.”Chandransquintedatme.“Sorry.IthoughtI’dseenyoubefore,somewhere.Wait,letmeputinmycontactlenses.Comein.”
Iwaitedinthelivingroom,wonderingwhatwasgoingon.WhatwasChandrandoingathome?AndwherewasSuresh?I’dassumehe’dcomestraighthomewithhisstufffromwork.Butthehousewasstrangelystill,andwhenIpeekedintoSuresh’sstudy,hispersonallaptopandallhisinksweregone.
WhenChandrancamebackIbeggedhimtotellmewhereSureshwas.
“Idon’tknow,man,”Chandransaid.“Hedidn’tsay.Ijustgotheretwonightsagoandtheplacewasalreadylikethis,allpackedup.Ihavetheworstheadache.Itmustbethejetlag.Y’know,IwasinSanFranciscoforaCatanchampionshipand…”
Itunedoutashedronedonandonaboutanewpointsystemorsomething,andtriedcallingSuresh;noluck,itkeptgoingtovoicemail.Itextedhim,thesame“Weneedtotalk”pleas,thesame“It’simportant”platitudes,toWhatsAppandalltheotherplatformsweused.Noneofthemessageswereread.IcheckedtheReadreceiptsandrealizedhehadn’tactuallylookedathisphoneinoveranhour.
Shit…couldhehaveleftforNewYorkalready?
“…AndmysponsorsaresayingI’llneedtostayinthegloballeaguesifIwa—”
Iblewup.“EnoughwiththeCatanalready,Chandran!Theworlddoesn’trevolvearoundyourdumbboardgame!Thisisimportant.”Igrabbedhisshouldersandshookhim.“Tellmethetruth,youhumanwombat!WhereisSuresh?!”Ireleasedhim,panting.
Chandransulked.“Itoldyou,Idon’tknow.Ihaveasparekey.IalwayscrashherewhenI’mintown.”Hebrightened.“Didn’tyouknowImovedtoEstoniatwomonthsago?It’sgreat,it’slike,there’sawholecommunityofCatanandDominionandMinecraftplayersthere,includingaChurchofCatan,haha…”
Ileftthisfontofinformation.
Iaskedtheotherstocallhim:Linda,Valerie,hisfriendsfromwork(Mong,Kai),Ray,Chandran,Faisal.Nothing.ItwasasthoughSureshhaddroppedoffthefaceoftheearth.IcheckedhispersonalFacebook,hispersonalInstagram,Twitter,evenhisLinked-In,fortracesofhishide.Nothing.NotthatIhadexpectedmuch,ashedidn’treallyhaveanactivepresence…except.
“Ping!”Ilookedatmyphone.AnotificationfromInstagram—andapostfromTheLastTrueSelf!
Sureshhaduploadedaphotoofhimself(hisfaceobscuredbyasmiley-faceemoji)onaplane:
OnmywaytotheBigApple.OnestepclosertoTLTSgraphicnovel!SeeyouinNewYork.#midcareergapyear#crushingit
Sureshwasalreadygone.Can’tbelievehewasalreadyonhiswaytoAmerica.IimaginedhimatComicConbeingsurroundedbyadoringcomicbookgroupies,someofwhomhadtobehotBrahminwomenfromtherightfamilies.AndmaybetheyplayedCatan.
Idashedawaythetearsfallingdownmyface.Ihadlost:itwastoolate.55
Friday18November
7:00a.m.WokenupbyalarmandwasconfuseduntilIrecalledthatIwasduetoflytoKLinlessthantwohourstovisitmymomsothatIcanrevealhowfarI’dchosentofallfromherideals.OhGod.
12:35p.m.Arrivedatmymother’scondoinBangsarandknockedonthedoor,havingdiscoveredI’dforgottenmykeys.Sheanswered,dressedinasleeklong-sleevedjadecotton-silktopongraylinenslacks,lookingfullyoperational,evenifshestillhadasallowundertonetoherskin.
Idecidedtodiverightin.“Hi,Ma,don’tyell,butI’veresignedandI’mnotgettingmarried,”Isaidinarush.Whynotjustfacethemusicallatonce?Iwouldnolongerbeaprisonerofthetyrannyofanyone’sexpectations,evenifitmeantImightnotlivetoseeanotherday.
Shesurprisinglyrefrainedfromyellingatme.“SoIcansee,”wasallshehadtosay.
Islumpedontoabarstoolatthekitchenislandandwaitedforhertobegintheonslaught.
ShestoodandlookedatmeforalongtimewhileIavoidedhergaze.Ifelthertakinginthestateofmyunkempthair,mybloodshoteyes,thecloudoftobaccoandalcoholstinkthatmustemanatefrommypores,theweightIhadgainedfromMcDonald’sandNando’sdeliveries.
“Youdon’tlooktoogood,”sheobservedinlessharshtermsthanshewouldnormallyuse.“What’swrong?”
“I’vemadeamistake,”Ibegan.Ilookedatthecountertop,bitingmylipasIfoughttocontrolasurgeoftears.“I’vemademanymistakes,andnowIthinkI’velosttheonegoodthinginmylife.”
“You’renottalkingaboutEricDeng,”mymotherstatedmatter-of-factly.Itwasherwayofaskinganopen-endedquestion.
Itookadeepbreathandplungedrightin.ItoldheraboutSuresh:whohewas,wherehewasfrom,andwhathadhappenedbetweenus;Ididn’tholdbackonthedetails.Itwasthefirstconversationthatwe’deverhadaboutaloveinterestofmine,andwhenIwasdoneIwasbothelatedatthedisclosureandscaredofherresponse.Icouldalreadyhearherthoughts:Mydaughter,theoneIraisedwithmilkfrommyownbreasts,thelastofmysinglechildren,rejectedabillionaire…foranIndiancomicartist/formerlawyer?
“Ohdear,whatamess,”shesaidwithasighasshewearilytookaseatatthebar.Suddenlyshelookedmucholderthanherage,andIfeltguiltyforunloadingmytroublesonhersosoonafterherhealthscare.“Whyareallmychildreninsistingonsendingmetomygraveearly?”
“Mom,whydoyoualwayswantustosufferjusttomakeyouhappy?”Icried,hurtbyherresponse.
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Idon’twantmychildrentosufferformysake,”shesaid,affronted.“Howcanyousaythat?Doyouevenknowwhatgoesoninamother’sheartwhensheseesherchildrenrunningtowardacliffwithonlyrockstogreetthembelow?”
Shereachedforthepitcherofwaterandpouredherselfaglass.“Onthecontrary,Ionlywantmychildrentohavethebest,andtomakethechoicesthatsavethemfromsuffering.WhenyoutoldmeaboutEric,Iwassohappyforyou;Icouldseehewasmature,hehadmadeitinlife,hewasstable,andhereallycaredaboutyou.Theseareallthequalitiesofasensiblechoice.PlusIdidn’tevenknowtherewassomeoneelse.ButI’llbehonest,Andrea,evenifI’dknownthatyouwereinlovewiththisSureshperson,IwouldprobablystillhaveadvocatedforEricbecausewhenyoureachmyageyouwillknowthatlovedoesn’tconquereverything,andthatsomeoneyourespectandhonor,whorespectsandhonorsyouback,canbringyoumorelong-termhappinessthanahot,sweatyaffair.”Shemadeamoueofdistaste,asthoughsexualattractionwasmerelyagood-for-nothingafterthought
“Sureshisagoodman,”Isaiddefensively.HemightbeinNewYorkandoutofmyreach,butthatdidn’tmeanI’dsitbyandletmymothermalignhim.
“Maybe,”mymothersaid.“Ijudgeontheoverallfactspresentedtome.Youngpeoplearealwayssoruledbytheirpassionthattheyforgettherealitiesoflife.Youcan’tliveinacouplebubbleforever.Wegrow,weage,andsometimeswegrowapart.Don’tforgetIwasoneofthoseyoungpeople,too,onceuponatime,believingthatlovewasallIneeded.Andlookwhereitgotmeandyourfather.”Hereyescloudedover.“Therewaslovebetweenus,once.Youknowthatwemetatuniversity,don’tyou?”
“Yes,”Isaid.Ihadthevaguestrecollectionofsomepoliticalrallyorsomethingthattheyattendedfortheheckofit;IwasashamedIknewlittleelse,mostlybecausewhenIwasyoungerithadseemedalittleobscenetometoaskmyparentshowtheymetandfellinlove,whenalltheydidwashurteachother.
“Wewereintroducedbymutualfriendsandbecamesweetheartsatuniversity,althoughwewereanoddpairingeveninthebeginning.Myfamilywasquitecomfortable,respected,politicallyconnected.Iwasraisedincomfort,ifnotluxury,whilehewasatransplantfromKedah,ascholarshipkidwithlittlemoneyofhisown,anorphanraisedbyhisuncleandaunt.ButhewassmartandIlikedthewayhishairfellintohiseyes;wedatedotherpeoplebutalwayscamebacktoeachother;Icouldn’timaginemylifewithouthim,andhethoughtIwastheonlywomanforhim.Sowhatifmyfamilyhatedhim?Sowhatifmyfatherthreatenedtocutmeoutofhiswill?YourfatherandIwereinlove.Andforsometime,itwasenough.WeweresohappyinthebeginningIcouldn’timagineitbeinganyotherway.Ineverthoughtthatoneday,twentyyearslater,hewouldcheatonmeseveraltimes,theso-calledloveofmylife.”
“What?”Iwasincredulous.Ihadnotknownthis.Ihadjustassumedthattheywerewrongfromthebeginning—andwhenhegotcancer,mymotherhadjustacceptedhim,tocareforhim,untilhe’dpassedon…“Whydidn’tyousayanythingtous?”
“Itdoesn’tmatteranymore,andwhathappenedbetweenyourfatherandmeisourbusiness,that’sthewayitiswithourgeneration—Isawitasmyburdentocarry,”mymothersaidheavily.Shesighed.“Andthenourfriends,thosethat‘settled’becausetheymadesensible,family-approvedchoices,they’restillmarried,stilltogether.SocanyoublamemewhenIhopemychildrenmakebetter,saferchoicesinlife?Especiallyyoursister,who,oncemarriedtoaMuslimMalaysian,hastoconvert,andhastobeOKwiththefactthat,inMalaysia,hecanlegallytakeasecond,third,fourthwifeifhewishes,withoutconsultingher?”
Ihadneverthoughtofitthatway;Ihadalwaysassumedthatmymotherhadjustbeen,well,racist.“Iseeyourpoint,Ma.ButmaybethesearethethingsyouneedtotellMelissa,soshecanassureyouthatKamarulisthekindofmanwhowouldneverdothattoher.AndmaybespendsometimewithKamarulbeforeyoucondemnhim.YouandMelissahavemadesuchprogresssinceyourheartattack,afterall.Imean,you’reactuallyansweringhertexts!”
Shebowedherheadandwassilentforsometime.“I’llneedtothinkaboutthis,”shesaidatlast.
Ihuggedher.Thatwasprogress,itreallywas.“He’sasolidguy,Ma.Don’tletprejudicekilloffanyhopeofreconcilingthisfamily.”
Sheheldupherhand.“Babysteps,Andrea,babysteps.ButcomingbacktoyouandSuresh,you’reright.Whathappenedbetweenmeandyourfatherisn’ttheruleforalllovemarriages.Iwon’tletmybitternesscloudyourdecisionsanymore.I’vehadalotoftimetothinkaboutwhat’simportantaftertheheartattack,andI’vechangedmypositiononsomethings.Ilovedyourfather,andweweresohappyonce.Maybethatkindofloveisworthallthepotentialpainyouopenyourselfto?Maybe…Ooh,Iwasyoungonce,andIwouldhavechosenachanceatloveoveranything”—hervoicegrewpensive;shewasthinkingofmyfather—“soI’llsaythis,darling:ifSureshmakesyouhappy,thenI’llstepaside.”
“Thanks,Ma,”Isaid,awkwardlygivingherahug.Ididn’thavethehearttotellheritwaslikelytoolateformeandSuresh;itwasenough,fornow,toknowthatshebelievedinmyabilitytomakegoodchoices.Shepattedmebrisklyonthebackbutdidn’tpullawayfrommyembrace.Weweren’taveryexpressivefamily,usually.Butifmymomcanchange…
“Anyway,whatdoIknow,hemightbethebestthingeverandyoumightturnouttobetheTitanic.Imean,thethingsIfoundinthatunderweardrawerofyours…”
Ireleasedheratonce.“Thankyouforyourvoteofconfidence,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.
“Justpromisemeonething.”
“What,thatI’lllookforajob?”
“Well,yes,thatisstillveryimportant,butwhatIwantedtosayis:goafterwhatyouwant.Isupportyou.”
Imadeanoncommittalnoise.Ifonlyitcouldbethateasy.
Friday2December
Mysistercalledwithgoodnews:she’spregnant,alloftenweeks!AndsheandKamarulwentovertomymother’s,toldherthenews,andeveryoneinvolvedisstillalive!Infact,Maisoverthemoon,althoughshewantsthemtogetmarriedASAP,whichmeanstherewillbeabig,fat,multicultural,multiracialweddingonthehorizon,withlotsofcolorandpotentialfordramaand,moreimportant,itwillbeheldbeforeHelenandMagnus’s:inshort,theperfectweddingtokick-startnextyear.
Can’tsaywhattheauntieswillthinkaboutthis,but,dearDiary,that’smymother’sproblem,notmine,mwuahahahahahahah!
Theonlylowpointinallofthisisthefactthatonceagain,Lindawillbemyplus-one.
Friday9December
Amazingnews!*wipestearsofjoyandsnot,thelatterwhichincidentallysoundswaybetterthannasalmucus,itsproperterm,fromface*WaterisNOTdead!Oratleasthehasrevived!SureshjustteasedastripwhereRhean,inembracingadeadWater,dischargesablastofenergythroughhertouch.Andafingertwitches…
IsitweirdthatI’msoinvestedinacouplethatexistsonlyonpaper?
Saturday10December
12:00p.m.AnotherbeautifulmorningofmewakinguptoaSaturdaythatisentirelymine.Nolawfirm.Noman.NoHungerGamestowin.
Paradise.
Ican’texplainhowgooditfeelstobethebossofme,myself,andI,livingonmyownterms,mymotherhavingbeenmuzzledbynewsofmysister’spregnancy,soamnowtotally,utterlyfreetopursuemypassionsandmyhobbies(whatevertheymaybe)withnojobtocushionmeandmyass,mysoon-to-be-thirty-four-year-oldassthatisstillassoftasanoldpillow,evenwithallthisfreetimeonmyhandswhereIcouldbeworkingout.
OhGod.
It’sOK,it’sOK,needtolearntotakeiteasy,#YOLO,otherwisewhatkindofmillennialamIifIcan’ttakeacareersabbatical?AlsoI’vemanagedtosellalmostallofmybags,whichnettedmeasmallfortune,andamrentingoutmyspareroomonAirbnb.Valhelpedmewiththepicturesandeverything,incorporatingfiltersthatmakemyapartmentexudeahyggevibe(i.e.,thekindofapartmentwhereDanishuber-waifswouldprancearoundmakingcloudberrywaffleswithSteviasprinkleswhileyodeling),whichIamtoldisveryinandill,allatthesametime,whichexplainsthe80percentoccupancyrate,soI’mnottotallyadrift.Lemortgageiscoveredandall.
AmalsointerviewingforajobasheadoflegalataninternationalnonprofitworkingwithurbanrefugeesinKualaLumpur.Theworkismeaningfulandinteresting,exactlythekindI’dgottenintothelegalprofessiontopursue.I’vedonetworoundsofinterviewsandthechancesarelookinggood.IfIgetit,Iwillhavetomovebacktothemotherland,somethingI’mapprehensiveabout;it’sbeenawhilesinceI’velivedthere.Torelearntheserpentineroadsandthefractalskyline,snarlingtrafficjams,raintrees,androadsidevendors;thesnatch-thieves,hawkers,buskers,beggars;thesmog,heat,bustle,andwetchaoticbeautyofKL—itshouldbeinteresting.
AtleastIwillbeclosetofamily.
Familyis,afterall,almosteverything.Butnotquite.
Friday16December
LindaandIwerescheduledtoflytoChiangMaiforaTangfamilyhenparty/retreatforHelen,sponsoredbyAuntieWeiWei(Helen’sweddingregistrationisscheduledfor31December).Lindahadvolunteeredtoorganizeit,promisingthatitwouldbeawholebunchoffunbutwhichLindahad,forsomeunfathomablereason,bookedatasilentretreat.Aluxury,six-starsilentretreat,butstill:noalcohol,notech,notalking.Andshewasgoingtospringthisfactupontheunsuspectingbride-to-beandtheweddingparty(threeothercousinswedidn’tlike,noMelissabecauseshe’sstillsoearlyinthepregnancy)atthelastminute(whenwearrived,essentially).
“Revenge,”LindasaidwhenIquestionedhermotives.“Forwhenshecalledusabunchofloserspinsters.”
“Sheneversaidthat,”Itoldher.
“Hereyesdid.”
“ItwasAuntieWeiWei.AndI’mprettysureshedidn’tsayitinthoseexactwords,either.”
“Samething.Thesinsoftheparentshallbevisitedupontheirchildren,haven’tyoulearnedanythingfromGameofThrones?TheotherTangswilljusthavetobecollateraldamage.”
DearGod,Lindawasarightnutter.
“Besides,thiswaywewon’thavetotalktoanyofthem.Enplus,Igotasweetdiscountforthetripthroughmyconnection,andyou,mydear,willnothavetopayasinglecent.Consideritanadvancebirthdaygift.Well,exceptforthe‘respect’deposit,you’reonthehookforthat.Butthat’sforyourowngood,sincewedoneedsomewaytoreininyourdestructivetendencies.”
Igaveherahug.Lindawasmanythings—butshewasmostlymydearest,kindestgirlfriend.
—
Afteraturbulentflight,amnowinChiangMaisurroundedbydejectedorwild-eyedcorporatetypesinasilentretreat.TheresortlookedlikesomethingoutofaCondéNastfeature,allwooden-villas-in-the-middle-of-a-decorative(?)-paddy-fieldpretty,andposhtoboot.Howposh,youask?ThegirlsandIwereissuedpurelinenresortwear(asstandarduniform),pureorganiccottonpajamas;everythingwasorganicandlocallysourced;thedrinkingwaterwas“energized”withsemipreciousstonesandinfusedwithherbsandflowers;properking-sizebedsineveryroom,completewithaheatedhottubineachbathroomfor“reflectiveeveningsoaks”;therewasaresidentyogiwhowasofsomeinternationalrenown;andeveryevening,angelsweresummonedtoblessthedreamsoftheresidents.Lindadidnotslumit,evenwhenshewasonarevengemission.
Unfortunately,despiteitstwelve-hundred-thread-countEgyptiancottonluxury,itwasalsooneofthestricterretreats,whereguestsweresupposedtospendtendaysin“blissful,”strictsilence,practicingyoga,meditating,staringblanklyintospacewhilecomposinghaikus/bucketlists,thelike.Thereweresomegroupmeditationsandyogasessions,butwewerenotevenallowedtointeractthen,aseyeandanyotherformofcontactbetweenguestswasstrictlyprohibited.Writingnotestothestaffwasallowed,butthatwasit.Breakingthevowofsilencehadexpensiveconsequences:youcouldhaveyour“respect”depositforfeited—somethingIcouldn’tafford.Tonipanytemptationtoreachouttotheevilmodernworld,therewaszerotechonthecompound,unlessyoucountthestupidold-schoolphoneatthereceptionthatwasonlytobeusedincaseofanemergency.Nomodems,noWi-Fi,nomobiles,notevenanybooksormusic,justournakedthoughts,desires,dreams,bodies,mergingwiththeuniverse.
Fuck.That.
Helenandtheothercousinsquitafterthesecondnightandpresumablyflewhome,orsothenotefromthereceptionsaid.Ilaughed—silently.UntilIrememberedthatIwasstillstuckontheresort.
BythefourthdayIwasreadytoescapethecompoundorpaygoodmoneyfortenminutesontheinternet.Iwasevenwillingtousedial-upinternet.Anything!
BythefifthdayIwasliterallyshakingwithdesirewheneverIthoughtofmyphone,evenmyworkphone.Icouldn’trememberwhyIhadquitthefirmifitmeantIcouldn’ttypeonthatlovely,tactilekeypad.Imissedmyphones.Imean,Icouldn’tevenplayCandyCrush(whichIambynomeansre-addictedto)
BythesixthdayIwasbeggingLinda,whowasoddlyenoughsereneintheabsenceofalltech,totakemehome,insignlanguage,wheneverwewerealoneinacommunityroom.ShewouldgivemeherEvilEyebutkeepmum,notbecauseshewasafraidoflosingthedepositbutbecausetherestoftheguestswereprettyhard-core.Ihadseenthemganguponanotherwomanwho,onthethirdday,hadstartedmutteringattheportraitoftheveneratedguru,shushinghersovigorously(andperhapsreleasingtheirownpent-upfrustrations)thatsheburstintotearsandwasescortedoffthepremises,presumablynevertoseeherdepositagain.
Sofar,sobad:Lindawasn’tcavingin,andIcouldn’taffordtocrumble.
Here’swhatwashappeningchezmoi.Weweresupposedtomeditateandkeepajournalofourthoughtsattheendoftheday,tocatalogthem,whichapparentlyhelpsclarifythemandthusnudgeourbrainsintoresolvingemotionalconflicts.InrealityIfoundmyselfdoodlingandcomposinglong,ramblingpoemstoSuresh.InthepoemsIwouldexplainhowIreallyfeltabouthim,howIregrettedpushinghimawayeverytimehetriedtomakeamove,untilitwastoolate.ThenattheendofthenightIwouldmouththewordsbeforeI’dshredthemmethodicallyintolongstrips,derivingakindofweirdsatisfactionfromthedestructionofmytruestthoughts,myinnermostfeelings,insuchatangibleway.
NotthatIwouldevershowSureshthosepoemsanyway:theywereterrible.Mostofthemrhymed.
Ontheseventhnight,desperate,IignoredhouserulesandrappedonLinda’sdoor,shakingwiththeneedtotalktosomeone.
Sheopenedthedoorinwhatwasmostdefinitelynotstandardissuesilentretreatwear:aracyblacksilknegligee.Notsurprisinglyshewasholdingasmartphone,andthescreenwasshowingasemi-nakedJasonmodelingequallyracyboythongs.Iwastoofargonetobotherquizzingherhowshehadmanagedtosmugglethesethingstoherroom—instead,Ilunged.
“Gimme,”Irasped,myfirstwordtoanotherhumanindays.Sheraisedthephonehigh,grabbedmebymyrobe,andpulledmeintotheroomasIflailedforthephone.
“Gimme,”Imoaned,scrabblingforthephoneindesperation.
“Keepyourvoicedown,”shehissed,“orwe’llgetcaught.”
“I’mout,”Jasonsaid,abovemyhead.“Callmewhenyou’realoneagain,lovebug.”
Lindashovedmeontothebed.“StaythereorI’mthrowingthephonedownthetoiletbowlandyouwon’tgettousethephoneatall.”
“Youwouldn’tdare,”Ibreathed,windedandincredulous.Butofcourseshewould:itwasanAndroid.Plussheprobablycouldgetareplacementatthesnapofherimperiousfingers,noproblem,noconsequences.Istayeddown.
“Whatdoyouwantwiththephone?”shesaidpleasantly.
“Suresh.Call!”ApparentlyI’dforgottenhowtostringsentencestogetheroutloud.
“Nope,nocando.”Shewaggledherfingeratme.“Rememberyou’reheretodetox,tofigureoutwhatyouwant.Youhavetogothroughtheprogram,stayoff-grid,besilent.”SaidthewomanhavingFaceTimesex!
Igrabbedherarm.“NotleavingtillIspeaktoSuresh.It’simportant.Wannatellhim,now,howIfeelabouthim.”
Shestudiedme,armsakimboandfrowning.“Areyousureyouknowwhatyouwant?Youjustrejectedamarriageproposalafterseriouslyconsideringit.”
Inoddedandforcedmyselftoenunciateeverysyllable.“Iwanttospeakto—IwantSuresh.I’veneverbeensurerofanythingelseinmylife—I’vejustspentaweekmeditatingonit,fortheloveofsake.”Fattearsprickedmyeyesanddrippeddownmyface.Theydislodgedtheicepickupherass.
“Allright,ifyoufeelsostronglyaboutit,I’llsortsomethingoutforyou,butnottonight.WaitformyBat-Signal.”Sheshooedmeoutoftheroom.“Nowgetgoingbeforetheydothenightroundsandwegetcaughttogether.Myreputationwillneverlivethatdown.”
Andwiththosepartingwords,Ifoundmyselfoutinthecorridorandstaringatherlockeddoor,wonderinghowitwasthatIwantedtopunchherinthemouthandhugheratthesametime.Therewaspoetryinthattension.
Ipaddedbacktomyroom,thebeginningsofalimerickbrewinginmyhead.
—
ThenextdayIwasclearingupthediningroomafterbreakfast(weallhavechoreshere.HowcouldIhaveforgottentomentionthis?Poshpeoplepayingfortheprivilegetoservetheirequals—therewasnothingposherthanthat)whenoneoftheorderlies,Imean,maleattendantscameupbehindmeandwhispered,“FollowmetotheNewAwakeningMeditationCourtyard,”beforewalkingaway.IturnedandsawArjun,theresidentpalmandaurareader(yes,Iknow,it’sathing),who,uponcatchingmyeye,winkedatme.
Ibrieflytoyedwiththepossibilitythathehadbeensolicitingasexyencounterbeforedismissingitoutright.Arjunwasclosetoninety.Hewouldprobablydislocateahip.Butwhatcouldhewanttosaytomesobadlythathewouldbreakthesacredvowofsilence?MaybeIhadamoldyauraoramisalignedchakrathathehadn’twantedtopointoutinfrontoftheothers.Orhehadlookedintomyfuture,seensomethingdisastrous,andneededtowarnmeaboutit.
Iamaverypositive,glass-half-fullperson,obviously.
Isteppedintothecourtyardanddrewasharpbreath.
There,standinginthedappledshadeofacopseofmangotrees,half-hiddenbyatreetrunk,wasSuresh,dressedinbeigechinosandwhitepoloshirt,whichleftnothingtomyimagination(Iwasalreadystarvedfromallstimuli).Helookedlotus-flowerfresh.Incontrast,IlookedlikeIhadbeenlivingunderabridge,havingnotusedahairbrushormakeupordeodorantsincethemomentIenteredthishellholeretreat.
ThenIrecalledthatIusedtoworkinthesameofficeashimandhe’dseenmetakecookiecrumbsoutofmybra.Mysportsbra.TheoneIwouldwearwheneverIranoutofproperbras.So..
IshruggedandapproachedSuresh’shidingspot,stoppingafewfeetawayoutofrespectfortheresortrulesandhisolfactoryfaculties.
“Enjoy,”Arjunsaidbeforeskippingaway.Thecrafty,limberoldsprite!
“Hi,”Isaidafteralongpausewherewedrankeachotherin.“Whatbringsyouhere?”Evertheelegant,subtleoneIwas.
“You,”hesaidsimply,eversuccinct.
“Howdidyoufindme?Iwentoff-grid.Thisplaceisunlisted.OnlymymotherandsisterknowwhereIam!”
“Andthat’sexactlyhowIknewwheretofindyou.Yourmom,sheDMedme,viaInstagram.”
“What?”
“Yup,shetoldmeshewasabigfanofTLTS,whichshediscoveredwhileshewasperformingherduediligenceonme”—apointedlookinmydirection,towhichIrespondedwithaninnocentWho,me?shrug—“butthatshehadadaughterwhowasanevenbiggerfanofmine,andthatshewaswithabunchofladiesinasilentretreatinChiangMaiwithLindaandIshouldgofindherandbehappy.SohereIam.”
Icouldn’tbelieveit—mymotherwasonInstagram?AlsoshewashelpingmeandSureshgettogether—sothatIwouldbehappy?WasthistheUpsideDown?
“Soyoudidn’tcomebecauseofLinda?”Isaidfaintly,tryingtomakesenseofmyoff-kilterworld.
“Nah.Shetextedmeyesterdayaroundmidnight,butthatwasafterI’darrivedatmyhotelhere.Hertextsaidthatyouhadsomethingyouneededtotellmeinperson,though.”Heclearedhisthroat.“SohereIam,Andrea—whatdidyouneedtotellme?”
“Ah,well,yousee,IhadthiscaseIneededtodiscuss…”
GoodLord,Ijustcouldn’thelpjokingevenatthispivotalmoment.Itriedagain.“It’s,y’know,aboutus.”Iwasblushingupastorm.
Sowashe.“Justsoyouknow,evenifyouhadn’tcontactedmeIwouldhavesoughtyououtanyway.I’msorryfortheradiosilenceafterthelasttimewesaweachotherintheoffice.IwasreallyhurtbyyouraccusationsandIthoughtyouwereengagedtoEric,andassoonasIgottotheStates,I’dblockedyouonallthechannels,changedmynumber,etc.,hopingtoeraseyoufrommylife.”
Inodded.Icompletelyunderstoodwhyhe’dblankedme.“Anddiditwork?”
“Yes,itdid,atleastinthebeginning.Ithrewmyselfintotheeditorialprocessofthegraphicnovel,butasmuchasIloveTLTS,Icouldn’tconcentrate.Ikeptthinkingabouthowweleftthings.FinallyitbecamecleartomethatIneededtoseeyou,tostraightenthingsoutbetweenus,ornothingIdowilleverberight.”
“Why?”Isaid,needingtohearitfromhim.
“Youknowwhy—Ilikeyou.”
“Sincewhen?Andhow?”He’dhintedinhisnote,butIwasinfulllawyermode:Imean,I’dseenAnousha’sbuttinatightdress.
Suresh’sgazewasonthemangotreebehindme.“Iknowthissoundslame,butI’vehadfeelingsforyouforsometimenow,”heconfessed.Heturnedhisgazeonme.“Somethingaboutthewayyoutype,slightlycross-eyedandthetopofyourtonguestickingout—it’ssexy.”Heshuffledcloser.“Onamoreseriousnote,themoretimeIspentwithyou,themoreconvincedIwasthatyouwerethepersonIwantedtoendupwith,becauseyouchallengeme,youkeepmeonmytoes,andyoumakememissyouwhenyou’renotaround.You’remyNorthStar.”
OhmyGod,thisisthekindofnerdromancestuffIneverthoughtI’dbeswayedby,buthereIwas,tearsinmyeyeslikeapropersap.
We’dbeeninchingcloserandclosertoeachotherthewholetime,andsuddenlymynosewastouchinghischestandhisarmswerearoundme.
“SoyourEricphaseisofficiallyover?”hewhisperedintomyear.
Inodded.Everyfiberinmybeingnodded.“Completelyover,”Iwhisperedinthedirectionofhisshoulder.
“Whoendedit?”
“Idid.”
“Why?”Hedrewbackandlookedmeintheeyes.Hewasverybeautifulinthesoftmorninglight;Icouldn’tbelievehewasmine.
“BecauseIhavefeelingsforyou,too,”Itoldhim,blushingasIsaidit.Funnyhowthesimplestwordsbecomesohardwhenyou’reafraidofbeingrejected.
“Isthatso.”
Inodded,verynonchalant,veryCatwoman-esque.“Yup.”
“Doubleconfirm?”heteased,lapsingintoSinglish.
“Shutup,”Isaid.Andbywayofshuttinghimup,Ileanedoverandkissedhim.Therewasamomentofhesitancyasourlipstouched;hepulledbackandwhisperedmynamelikehecouldn’tbelievewewerefinallydoingthis,butthenItuggedhimbackandkissedhimwiththeentireforceofmybeinguntilIfelthimgivein,returningthekisswithanintensitythatmatchedmine.Wewrappedourarmsaroundeachother,thekissinggettingmorefranticwitheverysecond,ourlips—
“Andrea!”someonescreeched.“Youwon’tbelievethis,butI’m—we’re—gettingkickedoutoftheresort!”
“What?”Isaid,shovingSureshawayguiltily.Was(silent)kissingallowedonsilentretreats?
ItwasLinda,beingfrog-marcheddownthepathbytwomaleattendantsandaporterfollowingbehindwithwhatlookedliketheentireluggagecollectionbyLouisVuitton.
“Phonesarenotpermittedontheretreat,MissAndrea.Notonlydidwecatchherwithone,shewasconductingalewdFaceTimeconversationonit,”oneoftheattendantssaid,lookinghassled,“andrightinthemiddleoftheSerenityYogaroomandrightunderthegazeofourguru!”
Igroaned.“Linda,forfuck’ssake!Couldyounotkeepitinyourpants?”
“Itwasjustanipple,theuptightbastard,”Lindashouted,wavingherrightfist,whichwasclutchingaminibottleofrum.
“Itwasanentirebreast,”themansaid,lookinglikehewasclosetotears.
“I’mgoingtosue!”Lindashouted,asshewasescortedoffthepremisesbybrowbeatenemployees.“Iwantmymoneyback.Idon’tfeelanymoreenergizedandlookhowdowntroddenmyfriendstilllooks!”
“Waitasecond,thismanisnotfromtheretreat,”saidoneoftheattendants,thelargeronebuiltlikeatank,pointingatSuresh.Itwasn’tadifficultdeduction,sinceSureshwaswearing“outsideworld”clothes.TheattendantletgoofoneofLinda’sarmsandambledtowarduswithasnarl.“Hey!Youthere!You’retrespassing!”
“Ohshit,let’sgetoutofhere,”Sureshsaid,grabbingmyhandandtuggingmedownthedriveway,trailingthestillstrugglingandshoutingLindaandherbandoforderlies.Ifoughttocontainmygiggles—whothehellgetsbootedoffasilentretreat?
Butfirst—
“Kissme,SureshAditparan.”
Hesmiled,drewmeclose,andwekissedagain.AndDiary,itfeltjustright.Acknowledgments
Therecomesatime,andthattimecomesforeverysoon-to-bepublishedauthor,whenthey’vereadtheirbookforthegazillionthtimeandtheyaretorn—torn—betweensettingthemselvesorthebookonfire,orboth;andthentheyfindouttheyhavetowritetheacknowledgments,andtheyhaveliterallyrunoutofwords,coherentthought,orbrainmatterandallislost,andtheyshouldtaketheiremergencyzombieapocalypsebug-outbagandrunscreamingintothenight.
Thankfully,Iamnotthatauthor,becauseI’velongpreparedforthis,perhapsevenbeforethebookwasdone.Ah,theforesight.Thehubris.Thetime-wasting.Butmostlytheforesight.
Anyway,heregoes:
Iwanttothankmyhusband,OlivierToo,whotoldmethatIshouldfinishthismanuscriptinsteadofpalaveringonandonaboutonedaybeingapublishedauthor.Yourlovingencouragement,chocolate,bobaandwineruns,superiorlegalandplottingskills,and—mostimportant—co-parentingskillshavehelpedmakethisbookwhatitistoday.
Andthenthere’smywonderful,super-diligent,andon-fireagentingteam(andsavvybetareaders),AllisonHunterandClareMao,atJanklow&Nesbit—thankyoufortakingachanceonme,andforhelpingmeshapethisnoveltowhatitistoday.
Myeditors,MargoLipschultzandOreAgbaje-Williams—I’msogladtobeworkingwithyouboth.Yourpatience,skill,support,andenthusiasmmadethisjourneysuchajoy.Thankyoufortakingmeon.AndthisgoesforallthegreatfolksatbothPutnamandHarperFictionwho’vehelpedmakethisbookabeautifulreality—allmyheartfeltthanks.
Myalphareaders:Jieandmysister,Rae,forbeingsogenerouswithyourtimeandloveinreadingandbrainstormingalongwithme.Especiallyyou,Rae:youalwaysweresoencouragingwhenwewerekidsandyouhadtoreadsomeofmyearlywork,someofwhich,inretrospect,Iseriouslydoubtwasage-appropriate—thanksforthesisterlysupport.
Mybrother,James,who’salwaysbeenmycheerleaderinallmywritingendeavorsandinlife,thanksforyourlove.
Iamalsoindebtedtothefollowingbusypeoplewho’vereadpartsofmybookandofferedconstructivecriticism:comicsDanMcG,PeteJohannsson,KokWeiLiang;oradvisedmeonaspectsoflaw/taxation/medicineforthisnovel:LaurentHenneresse,LeongChuoMing,IvanLu,SophieTan,LynnKoh,YWLum—allmistakesorcreativedeviationsareminealone.Friendswho’veofferedmeadviceorhelpintheirownwaythroughoutthisprocess:SengBee,WayneCheong,YLLum,Nadya,andsomewhatbelatedly,myhighschoolEnglishteacherMs.LinaLeeofCatholicHighSchool,whospurredmetowritebetterbygivingmetheoccasionalAminusincomposition.
MydearestfriendsSerena,Laura,andMeera,whosefriendshipsovertheyearshavefortifiedmeinmyriadways.FriendsinLuxembourg:Claire,Pit,Iya,Laurent,Gina,Jeanne,whowerealwaysthereforme.MySPfriendsandcheerleaders,especiallyLina,Caren,Chelsea,Jacyln,andLynn;Hannaandallthelovelywriterfriendsinthe@2020Debutsgroupforbeingsosupportiveandhelpful,onlineandinperson.Thankyou.
Theshowrunnersofthesuperbamateurstand-upcomedysceneinSingapore(heySam!Eugene!Heazry!)andmyfellowcomicsofthe2015–2017vintage:thanksforthelaughsandthefriendships.Ifitweren’tforstand-up,Iwouldn’thavedevelopedthethickskinneededtosurvivethesubmissionprocess.Hugs!
Anyonewho’severtoldmeIcouldwriteandwhoencouragedme(evenifyouliedthroughyourteeth)and/orgavemeconstructivefeedback—thankyou.
TheWohls(epeciallyMicheleandBenoit),Toos(Kevin),andotherHos—megapropsforalwayslovingme,feedingme,andbearingwithme,especiallywhenI’mhangryandgrumpyfromthework.AndforhavingapokerfacewhenIfirsttoldyouaboutmyambitiontobeapublishedauthor.
MydarlingSophieforyourpatiencewhenIwroteinsteadofhangingwithyou,asmuchasyoudeserved.
AhPoh,inheaven:Iloveyou,Imissyou.
Lastbutnotleast,myparents,wholovedmeenoughtoencouragemetopursuemydreams,andwhodidsounconditionally.Thankyouforeverything.IpromiseIusedatleast2percentoftheknowledgegainedfrommylawdegreestowritethisbook.AbouttheAuthor
LaurenHoisareformedlegalcounselwhowritesfunnystories.HailingfromMalaysia,shelivedintheUnitedKingdom,France,andLuxembourgbeforemovingwithherfamilytoSingapore,wheresheisostensiblyworkingonhernextnovel.LastTangStandingisnotbasedonhermother.Atall.Seriously.What’snextonyourreadinglist?
Discoveryournextgreatread!
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Signupnow.*“TanSri”isthesecondmostseniorfederaltitleinMalaysia.Basically,ifyouhaveone,you’reminted.*ASinglishexpression,meaningtooverachieveandraisethebarunnecessarilyforothers.*CentralBusinessDistrict,fortheuninitiated.*Ifyoumustknow,itwastheTangpoem“SpringDawn”:

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