Love, Chai, and Other Four-Letter Words

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BooksChangeLivesCopyright?2021byAnnikaSharma
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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Sharma,Annika,author.
Title:Love,chai,andotherfour-letterwords/AnnikaSharma.
Description:Naperville,Illinois:SourcebooksCasablanca,[2021]|
Series:ChaiMasalaClub;1
Identifiers:LCCN2021016350
Subjects:LCSH:EastIndianAmericans–Fiction.|GSAFD:Lovestories.
Classification:LCCPS3619.H35663L382021|DDC813/.6–dc23
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2021016350Contents
FrontCover
TitlePage
Copyright
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
ChapterTwenty-Eight
ChapterTwenty-Nine
ChapterThirty
ChapterThirty-One
ChapterThirty-Two
ChapterThirty-Three
ChapterThirty-Four
ChapterThirty-Five
ChapterThirty-Six
ChapterThirty-Seven
ChapterThirty-Eight
ChapterThirty-Nine
ChapterForty
ChapterForty-One
ChapterForty-Two
ChapterForty-Three
ChapterForty-Four
ChapterForty-Five
ChapterForty-Six
ChapterForty-Seven
ChapterForty-Eight
Epilogue
Kiran’sBucketList
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
BackCoverTomyparentsandSri…theairinmylungs.Thesunonmyskin.Thebeatinmyheart.Thewindunderneaththewingsyoucreated.Iwillloveyouuntiltheendoftime.
AndtoSanjeev…myhappilyeverafter.ChapterOne
KIRAN
ForanIndianlikeKiranMathur,spicy-sweetchaimightaswellhaverunthroughherveins,fuelingherexistenceinNewYorkCitylikethedieselpoweringheruncle’sautorickshawbackhome.
HerstomachleaptpleasantlyassheopenedthedoortotheUpperEastSidecaféwheresheandherbesties—Payal,Akash,andSonam—meteveryotherweek.TheyhaddubbedthemselvestheChaiMasalaClubor,affectionately,theCMC.AndjustasNewYorkCitywasherhomeawayfromhome,theCMCwasherfamilyawayfromfamily.
Alwaysfirsttoarrive,Kiransettledattheirusualtable,facingthedoor.Payalhaddiscoveredthetinycafé,Chaiwala,sixmonthsago.Ofalltheplacesinthecitytheyhadhoppedaroundto,thisoneservedthechaithatmostremindedthemofthespecialvanilla,cardamom,andnut-filledgoodnessKiranconcoctedduringthenightswhentheydiscussedeveryheartbreak,triumph,andobstacleintheirpathtoadulthood.
Thecaféwasahole-in-the-wallplacewithgrayhardwoodfloors,navywalls,andpopsofcolorintheformofartisticphotographsoftheirmotherlandsbySouthAsianartists.Tinylanternssatinthemiddleofeachtable,LEDcandlesglowinginside.Marketlightsdangledonthewalls.Itwasonepartmetropolitanhideaway,onepartEasterndream.
Atfiveonthedot,AkashRaostrolleduptotheglassdoorandpolitelypulleditopenforSonam,arrivingfromtheoppositedirection.Sonamofferedagrinofthanksasshestrodeintothecafé.Sherakedherfingersthroughhercroppedblackhair,thewavesbouncingbackintoplace.Akashfollowed,confidentandcollectedinhisblackpowersuit,whichhighlightedhisslimwaistandramrod-straightposture.Theirbrowneyesscannedtheroom—Akash’sstartingattheleftandSonam’sfromtheright—beforesettlingonKiranatthesametime.
Astheyapproachedthetable,KirannoticedthatSonamwalkedwithevenmoreconfidencethanAkashdid,chinupagainsttheworldandupturnedeyesthatperpetuallygaveofftheimpressionofdeterminedferocity.Kiranfeltalittleenvious,filledwithprideatherfriend’saccomplishmentwhilewishingshecouldmeasureuptothesamegreatness.
AkashcasuallypulledachairoutforSonam.Itmightseemacouple-ygesture,buthehadalwaysbeengentlemanly,thefirsttoopendoors,pulloutchairs,coveratab,ororderaround.
Inthemonthswhenthey’deitherbeenholedawayintheirownapartmentsorseeneachotheronrare,sociallydistancedpicnicsinCentralPark,Kiranhadforgottenthetinydetailsaboutherfriendsthatfilledherwithwarmth,likeahearthinsideherchest.WatchingAkash,shewasremindedhowhisheight,atfiveten,madeherfeelsafewhenhewasnexttoherfive-fourbody…andthathespikedhishairinthefrontwithenoughgeltospackleabuildingtogether.Shenoticedagain,likealong-misplacedfact,howSonam’sshorthair,wavyandbobbed,gaveheranedgeandamplifiedherloudpersonality,whichmanypeoplemadethemistakeofunderestimatingwhentheyencounteredthecurvyfirecracker.
“Kiran’slostinthought,”Sonamteased.
“Iamnot!”Buthersmilegaveheraway.
“Youwerefrowning,”Akashnoted,settlingintohischair.“You’reengineeringsomething.”
Thiswashisfavoriteeuphemismforherrigidtype-Asensibility.Shesupposedhewasright.Justalittle.Kiranhandwrotenotesinaplanner.Shewasthefixerofoff-centerpictureshangingonthewall,evenwhenitwasn’therplace.Shewaslevel-tenflusteredwhenapresentationwasinterruptedbyaquestionbeforeitsdesignatedQ-and-Atime.
“Iwasn’t‘engineering’anything,yaar.Iwaszoningoutandpeoplewatching.It’swhatIdowhenyouguysleavemeinpeace!”
“Likeyou’dknowwhattodowithanykindofpeace,”hereplied.
Kiranlaughed.“Youknowmewell,Obi-Wan.”
“IthinkIdiedandwenttoheaven.”Akashclutchedhisheart.“You’vefinallymadeaStarWarsreference.”
KiranandAkashslappedahighfiveasSonamchuckled.
“Shouldweorder?”askedSonam.
“Payalisn’thereyet,”AkashandKiranremindedherinunison.
“Wegetthesamethingeverytime.It’snotlikewehavetowaitforherapproval,”Sonamgrumbled.
Oncue,thewaitressarrived—oneKiranrecognizedfromthegroup’scountlessoutingstothiscafé.
“Fourchais?”Shedidn’tbothertonoteanythingonherpad.
Allthreeaffirmedtheirorders,andshewentonherway.
Minuteslater,thedooropenedwithagustofwind.Payalfollowedclosebehind.Herlonghairremainedimmaculatelycurledaroundherheart-shapedfacedespitethebreeze,andherdarkeyes,whichalwaysmadeKiranthinkofPrincessJasmine,werelinedwithkohlsopristine,onewouldthinkshewasbornwithdoeeyes.Apopofredlipsticktoherthinlipswastheonlycolorinanotherwiseneutraloutfit—acreamblazeroverablacksheathdress,withoutatraceoflinttobeseen.
“Hellothere!”shecheerfullychirpedinherBritishaccent,thensetherbagonthechairAkashpulledoutforher,unwrappedtheexpensive-lookingcreamscarffromaroundherneck—Hermès,Kirannoted—andtookherseat,crossingherlegsunderneaththetable.
“Areyoueverontime?”Sonamasked.
“Well,youknowwhattheysay…fashionablylate.”Payaldismissedtheage-oldcomplaintwithacasualwaveofherhand.“Ihadaclient.”
Akashthankedthewaitressassheplacedtheirdrinksinfrontofthem,thenturnedtohisfriends.“Okay,Sonam,gofirst.”
“CanIordersomefoodbeforewestart?”sheasked.“Icouldeatthebuttoffaskunkrightnow.”
AkashsnortedwithlaughterwhilePayalcrinkledherdelicatelypointednose.
Kirangiggled.“Wheredoyouevencomeupwithexpressionslikethat?”
“Ahh,MissIndia,”SonamsaidwithanoverdonestereotypicalIndianaccent.“Ifyou’dgrownuphere,perhapsyouwouldhaveheardit.”
“Ineverwouldhavesaidit…That’sgross.”KiranmatchedPayal’sdisgustedexpression.
Sonamsmiled,clearlyproudshehadelicitedthereactionshe’dhopedfor.
Astheothersstirredtheirchai,addingenoughsugartoputsomeoneintoadiabeticcoma(Payal)orlettingitcooloffuntilitreached—bystraight-upIndianstandards,anyway—anunacceptableleveloflukewarmratherthanburninghot(Akash),Kirangazedatthethreeofthem.Shewastrulyhome.Noburden.Noworry.
“Okay,canIsayhowniceitistomeetinpersonagaininsteadofonZoom?”Kiransaid.
“You’vesaiditeverytimewe’vemet,buttobefair,seeingallofyournormalandunfilteredfacesinpersonisatreat…ormaybethefreshairisgettingtome,”Akashsaid.
“It’sreallynicetoseethecitycomealiveagain,”Sonamsaid.“Iyelledatanassholewhocatcalledmeonthesubwaytoday,anditfeltlikewewerebacktonormal.”
Theylaughed.
“Andnowthatwe’reallhere—”Payalstarted.
“Youmeannowthatyou’refinallyhere?”Sonamasked.
“Yes.”PayalreachedintotheChanelbagnexttoherfeet.“Iwascleaningoutlastseason’sclothestodonatetoGoodwill,andIdiscoveredmyboxofcollegememories—youknow,allthosephotosthatareneverallowedtoseethelightofdayfromourdorm-roomdays.AndlookwhatelseIfound!”
Sheproducedafewbatteredsheetsofpaper,foldedintoquarters,andputthematthecenterofthetable.
“Isthatyourdiary?”Akashasked.
“Oh,shutit.It’sourlists!”Payalsaid.
“Idon’tthinkI’vebeenwiththatmanypeople,”Akashsaid.
Sheshothimaglare.“Wemadetheseliststhesummerwegraduated,remember?AllthethingswewantedtodoinNewYork.”
Payalunfoldedeachsheetofpaper,examinedthenameatthetop,andhandeditouttotheappropriatefriend.Theyspentafewmomentsinsilenceexaminingtheirlistsbeforelookingup.
“Well?”Akashasked.“Didwedoeverythingweexpected?”
“Yes.”Sonamturnedherlistaround.Onitwaswritten:BUCKETLISTSARESTUPID.
Theyalllaughed.
“Ididthemall,”Akashsaid,ahintofprideinhisvoice.“VisittheEmpireStateBuilding.Roadtripacrossthecountry.Haveathreesome.EatatElevenMadisonPark—”
“Youatethere?Really?It’s,like,$300ameal,”Sonaminterrupted.
“WhenIgotmylastpromotionatwork,Imayormaynothavesplurged.”
“I’vedonealmosteverythingtoo.”Payalskimmedherpaper.“Iwenttoallthemajorlandmarks.IworkedatNewYorkFashionWeektwice.I’veeatenatfiverestaurantsownedbycelebritychefs…Exceptforfallinginlove,which,let’sbereal,mightnotexist,I’vedoneitall.”
“Gosh,I’veonlydoneafewofthese,”Kiransaid,glancingatherlistagainandfeelingastabofdisappointment
She’ddoneafewclassicNewYorktouristthingswhenshe’dmovedtothecity,excitedtobeinanewplace,andoftenwithsomeonefromtheCMCwithher—EmpireStateBuilding,aboatrideontheHudson,aBroadwayplay.Buttheotherones…notsomuch.Rideahorse—notyet.Danceunderthestars—notdoneyet.Doamacaroniandcheesetour.GotoSmorgasburgeverysummer.Playinanarcade—nope.FindawaytoreuniteKirtiwithMaandBaba—herheartfell.
“Whichones?”Payaltriedtopeeratherpaper.
“IwenttoSmorgasburgthefirstsummerwemovedhere,buthaven’tbeensince.”
“Youordermacandcheeseeverywhere,soyou’veessentiallymanagedatour,”Akashsaid,spyingthatitemonherlist.
“Kiran,you’retheonlyonewhohasn’tcomeclosetofinishinghers.Getonit.We’returningthirtysoon.Weshouldbeabletosaywelivedourtwentiestothefullest,”Payalsaid.
Thirty.Thenumberfeltdauntingallofasudden,likeKiranhadtospeedthroughallhergoalsbeforeshecrossedsomeproverbialthresholdwhereshecouldn’tanymore.
“Iagree,”shesaid.“Maybetheseshouldbethebefore-thirtylistsinceit’sbeensolongsincewemovedhere…andwecanaddafewthingsandtrytodothemall.”
“Okay,let’sdoit,”saidSonam.
Theotherthreelookedatherinsurprise.
“Youliterallyjustshowedusalistthatsaidlistsarestupid,”Akashsaid
“Well…thingschange.Itcouldbefun.”
“Whatwouldbethefirstthingonyournewbefore-thirtylists?”Payalasked
Sonamleanedback,seemingtoconsiderheranswer.Kiranfrowned,thinkingofherfamily.Akashspokefirst.
“I’dliketofallinloveandgetmarried.”
“Really?”Payalasked.“Theserialdaterwantstosettledown?”
“It’skindofnicetothinkaboutcominghometosomeoneandknowingthey’reyourstosharealifewith,”Akashreplied.
Payalgaveasoftsmile.“I’dstartafashionlineandhavearunwayshow.”
“I’dstartacharity,”Sonamsaid.“I’ddosomethingthatprotectedwomenandgirlsacrosstheworld.MaybeevengotoIndiaanddoreproductivehealthworkthere.”
Kirangrinned,knowingSonamwouldfulfillherwishsomeday.Itwasamatterofwhen,notif.Shethoughtaboutherownlist—whatwouldshedo?
“I’dfollowmyheart,”shesaidsuddenly.“I’vedoneeverythingexpectedofme,youknow?ButIdon’tknowhowtotrustmyselfandjustbe.IguessI’ddothat.”
“There’stime,”Payalsaidwithaconspiratorialwink.“Okay,soeveryonebringanew,revisedlisttothenextCMCdate,allright?Kiran,youcanaddafewthingstoyoursorjustbringitasissinceyoustillhavestufftodo.”
Theyallnoddedormurmuredtheirassent.
“So,speakingoffollowinghearts,guesswhodidsomethingstupidwiththeoppositesex?”Akashasked.
“You,”Kirananswered.“Thatquestionwasanopeningforyoutotellus.”
Therestlaughed.
“Imetagirl,actually.Butlet’sseewhereitgoes.”
“Youmetagirl,didyou?”Payal’seyessparkled.“Dowegettomeether?”
“Notyet.”
“Comeon,Akash!”Sonamprotested.“Quitbeingadickandtellussomedetailssowecanjudgeher.”
“She’scool.YouknowtheNewYorkdatingscene,though.Wemayfindnewpeopleinthenextcoupleofdays.”Heshrugged.
“Thisistrue,”Payalconcededassheaddedyetanotherpacketofsugartoherchai.“It’sallsofleeting.”
“Well,foreverisfleetingnowadays,isn’tit?”Kiranasked.“It’snotlikeitusedtobewithourparentsmeetingandgettingmarriedamonthaftermaybeseeingeachotheronce.Theentiregamehaschanged.”
“It’sprettymuchalloverinaswipe,”Akashagreed.
“Butithasn’tactuallygottenanyeasier,hasit?”Payalspoke.“Imean,you’dthinkwithalltheseoptionstomeetpeople,we’dallbeinrelationships,butifanything,thechoiceshavemadeuslessdecisiveandmorefearfulofcommitment.”
“Unlesswechooseourparents’route,Iguessithasbecomeharder,”Kiranconsidered.
“Butyou’vealreadydecidedtogotheirroute,soit’samootpointforyou,isn’tit?”Sonampointedout.
“Iwentonadatetheotherday—friend-of-a-friendsituation,”Kiransaid,provingSonam’spoint.
“Dotell!”Payalencouraged.
“Ittanked.Nopersonality.Believedinadowry.Hadtheballstosaythatmencouldsleeparoundbutthattheyshouldonlymarryvirgins.Youknowhowitcanbe.”
Sonamlookedoutraged,andevenherhairseemedtostandonedge.
Payalshookherhead,takingasipoftea.Whensheputhercupdown,therewasnoringofredlipstickaroundthewhiterim.
“Well,that’soutdated.Soundslikeadouche,”Akashsaid,raisinghiscupasatoast.“Youdodgedabullet.”
“That’sokay.There’splentyoffishinthesea.”Sonamshrugged.
“Youhavetokissplentyoffrogs,”Payalsaid.
“You’dknow.You’veprobablymadeoutwithmostofthem,”Kiranretorted.
“Whatever.We’reyoung.Successful.Awesome.Whynottakeadvantageofitandhavesomefun?”PayaldismissedallnotionoftheconservativeproprietyKiranhadgrownupwith.“Anddidyoujustmakeajoke?”
“Idid.”Kiranflippedherhairoverhershoulder.“Ithoughtitwasprettygood.”
“Yeah,yeah,”Payalgrumbled.“LikeIsaid…we’reyoungandweshouldenjoylife.”
NoneofthemaskedwhyKirancouldn’thavealovemarriage.Theyallknewaboutherfamilyandtheirtraditionalviewofhowmarriagewassupposedtobe:parentstalk,parentsintroducetheirrespectiveboyandgirltoeachother,boyandgirlspeakforlongenoughtocovereducation,income,values,andchildren,andthenpoof!Marriagearranged.Wedidn’thavechemistrywasnotareasonthatmadeanysenseforturningdownaproposition,atleastinhercommunity’seyes.
Fallinginlovewasnothinglikeaformulaicequationofcourse.Anyoneinthecurrentgenerationknewthat,butKiranwasn’tabouttofightthatbattlewithherparents,whohadbarelylefttheirvillage,letaloneIndia,andwhohadgrownupinastrictatmospherewhereboysandgirlsdidn’tminglemorethannecessary.
Butmarriage…thewordalonepromptedgrayhairstopopuponKiran’shead.
Theswirlingthoughtsmusthaveshownonherface,becauseSonampickeduponitimmediately.
“Payalisright,Kiran.We’reyoung.Stopthinkingaboutit,”shesaid.
“Iagreewithher!”Kiranprotested.“Butit’shardtorememberthatwhenmyparentsaregettingolderandIgetphonecallseveryotherdayabouthowthirtyistwoyearsaway.”
“Actually,myparentshavesaidthesame,”Payalsaid.“Asifthirtyisalineyoucross,andoureggswillshrivelupanddisintegrateat12:01a.m.onourthirtiethbirthdays.”
Akashlaughed.“Benefitofbeingaguy.IgettomilkthisI-need-to-settle-down-and-make-moneyargumentforafewyearslonger.”
“Youdon’tgettogloat!”SonamsmackedAkash’sarm.“OrIwilltellyourmomthatyoumentionedtousthatyou’rereadyforawifeandkids.”
Akashchuckledinresponse,shakinghishead.“Thirty,though.Whatcomesafterthat?”
“Thirty-one,”Kiransaid.“Iknowyouwenttoachilled-outAmericanschool,butIwouldhopetheytaughtyoutocount.”
Heshotheralook.“Imean…thirtykindofisalinetocrossinlife.You’reexpectedtohaveyourshittogetherafterthirty.”
“Don’tyouguysfeellikewe’reinbetweenmilestones?”Sonamasked.“Imean,eighteenwasthemilitary,graduatingfromhighschool,startingcollege,cigarettes…Twenty-onewasgettingplastered.Andifthirtyistheend,themarkofushavingittogether…thentwenty-fivewas,like—”
“Itwastheagewealwayslookedforwardtowhenwewerelittle,soit’shardtolookpastthattothirtyandbeyond,”Kiranfinishedforher.
Sonamnoddedwithenthusiasm.Beingunderstoodalwaysbroughtaglowtohereyes.
“Marriage,ahouse,kids,acar,andbeingadoctor,”Sonamreminisced.
“Oneoutoffiveisn’tbad,”Kiranteased.
“Wow,youallwereprettyadvanced,”Akashsaid.“Atagefive,Iwantedtoliveinatree.”
Theentiregroupburstoutlaughing.
“Iwantedtoberich,liveinacity,andwearprettydresses,”Payalsaid.
“Achievementunlocked,then?”
“Shutup,Akash.”
“Whatdidyouwant,Kiran?Imean,nowthatyou’reinbetweentheagethatweallthoughtwe’dhaveeverythingwedreamedofandtheageeveryonesaysistheendofimmaturity…whatdidyouthinkwouldhappen?”Sonamleanedtowardheronherelbows.
“DoyouknowthatintheUnitedStates,universitieshavelotsofbuildingsandlotsofstudents?Theyaresomeofthebestuniversitiesintheworld,”KirtisaidtoKiranasshesetherbackonthegroundaftergivingherarib-crushinghuginawaythatonlybigsisterscould.
“Isn’tthatfaraway?”Kiranasked.“MaandBabasaidAm-reekawasacrossanocean.”
“Itis.Butsometimesifyouwantgoodthings,youhavetogoonajourneytofindthem.”
“Idon’teverwanttoleave!”Kiranproclaimed.“I’mneverleavingyou,orMa,orBaba!”
Kirtilaughed.“Youwillhavetosomedaywhenyougetmarried,Chottu.ButIhopethatyougotoschoolfirst.Youcandoanythingwithyourparents’blessingsandlove.”
“Evenflyacrossanocean!”
“Yes,youcanevenflyacrossthewholeworld!Butyouhavetoworkhard,takecareofyourparents,andkeepyourfamilyhappysotheywillblessyouandyousucceed.”
“Ialwayswanttokeepyouhappy.”
“Good.ThengotocollegeinAmericasomeday!”KirtitickledKiran’sbelly.
“IwantedtoleaveIndiaandsupportmyparents,”Kiransaidnow.
Thethreeotherssmiled.
Payalsethernapkinonthetablewithfinality.
“Lookslikeyou’relivingyourdream.”ChapterTwo
KIRAN
OneofKiran’sfavoritethingsabouttheUnitedStates,tothisday,wasgroceryshopping.
Sheknewitwasweird,butitwassoeasyhere.
WhenshewasgrowingupinherresidentialcolonyinIndia,ittookfourtrips:toamilkvendor,avegetablemarket,agrainsshop,andstoresthathadoddsandendstogatherallone’sfoodtogether,buthereitwasallinoneplace.Shecouldtakehertime.Therewerenoauntiespushingbehindherorstressinghervocalcordstobeheardbythesubziwalaashemeasuredoutordersofvegetableswithrustedweightsolderthanher.
Kiranhauledabasketonwheelsbehindher,likeachildwithawagon,struttingherwaythroughtheaisles.
ShesqueezedaRomatomato,turningitinherhand,uncaringaboutanylooksshemightgetforplayingwithavegetable.ThiswashowMahadtaughthertogaugeavegetable’sfreshnessandflavor.Justasherfingersleftslightimprintsonthetomato,deemingitworthyofthetanginessshesolovedwhenshecooked,herphonerang.
ItwasasifMahadheardherthoughtsfromacrosstheworld.
“Hullo,Ma.”
“Kiran,beta,kaiseho?”
“I’mfine,Ma,”KiranrespondedbackinHindi.
“Whatareyoudoing?Ihearpeopleinthebackground.”
“I’mgroceryshopping.Howareyou?Whyareyouupat”—Kirancheckedherphoneandcalculatedtenhoursahead—“4:00a.m.?Iseverythingokay?”
“Yes,yes,everythingisfine.Icouldn’tsleep.”
“Whynot?”
“I’mamother,Kiran.Weworryalldayandallnight.It’swhatwedo.”
“Whatareyouworriedabout?”Kiranpulledherbaskettothecheckout.“IsBabaokay?Isithisheartagain?”
“He’ssnoringlikealionrightnow.”
Kiranexhaledasighofreliefandplacedhervegetablesandahalfgallonofmilkonthebelt.“Aren’tyougoingtowakehimup,Ma?You’reshoutingatmelikeI’msupposedtohearyoufromIndia.”
“Arrey,yourfathercouldsleepthroughanearthquake.Don’tyouworryabouthim.It’syouweworryaboutmore.”
“Whyme?”Heregoes.
“You’renearlythirty,Kiran.Atsomepoint,wehavetodoourdutyandgetyoumarried.Wesupportedyouthroughyourschoolandcollegeandwhileyouneededtogetsettledwithyourcareer.Nowyouneedtogetmarried.”
“I’mnotagainstgettingmarried.Ithasn’tclickedyet.”
“Whatclicking?Youspeaktoaboy—lookathiseducation,howmuchmoneyhemakes,ifhecomesfromagoodfamily—andbas,you’remarried.”
Kiranswipedhercreditcard,gavethetiredcashierasmileingratitude,collectedherbags,andtookadeepbreathbeforewalkingtowardtheexit.“It’snotthateasy.”
“Youkeepsayingit’snoteasy,butyou’remakingitcomplicated.”
Kiranbreathedintothephonebutsaidnothing.
“Beta,youarealreadyolderthanmostofthegirlsbackhomeandunmarried.Manyofthemareontheirthirdchildalready.Wewanttobegrandparentstoo.It’sourlastdutybeforewedie.”
“You’renotgoingtodie.”
“Babaalmostdid,remember?”
Kiranfeltaguiltyjab.“Idon’teverforget.Iworryaboutiteveryday.”
“Wewouldliketogiveourdaughterawayproudly.Wehaven’thadthatchancebefore.”
Thereitwas.TheelephantintheroomraiseditscolossalpinktrunkandsoundedatrumpetthatwouldrattletheverysidewalksKiranwalkedon…andshewassupposedtoignoreit.Thereferencestohersisterwereacombinationoffamilybaggageandguilttrips,packagedasareasonableargument.
“I’llkeeptalkingtopeople,Ma,”Kiransaid,resigned.
“Good.That’sallIask.Whatparentdoesn’twanttobeproudoftheirdaughterastheymarryheroff?”Ma’sverytoneshiftedtoabubblierone,andKirancouldtellhermotherwasimaginingherdressedlikeadulhanonherweddingday.Onlythatlevelofpositivevisualizationcouldmakehermothersohappysoquickly.
“NooneIknow.”
“Ah,yourbabahaswokenup.Hereheis.”
TherewasashuffleontheotherendandanirritatedgrumblefromherdadatMa’sverynoisysleepinterruption.ButhisvoicewasupbeatandfulloflovewhenhespoketoKiran.
“Hello,Kiran,beta.Howareyou?”
“Baba,hi.Didwewakeyou?”
“Ahh,yourmaneverletsanyonerestpeacefully.Ifshe’sup,thewholeneighborhoodmustwakeuptoo.IcanpracticallyhearChaddaBhaidowntheroad,shininghisautoalready.”
“Iwonderifhealreadyhaspaaninhismouth.”
“It’sfourthirtyinthemorning.He’sprobablyonhisthirdone.”Babachuckled.
Kiransmiledsoftly,rememberingtheuncledownthestreetwhoalwaysslippedherahardcandyfromhispocketandwhoseaffectionatesmilewastingedwithredfromhishabitofchewingbetelnuts.ItwashewhohadsuggestedBabaandMamovetoDelhipermanentlyandhadevenreferredthemtotheapartmentherparentsnowoccupied.
“Howistheshop?”
“Youknowhowitis.Yourchachasaysit’sgood.ButevensmalltownslikeRamnagararegrowingfancy.”
Kiranthoughtbacktothevillage.She’dmovedherparentstoDelhi,twohoursawayfromRamnagarandclosertomedicalattentionandbetterdoctors,afterBaba’sheartattacktwoyearsago.He’dgivenhissmallshoptohisyoungerbrothertotakecareof,andherparentsreceivedamonthlydepositfromtheprofits.
“Baba,areyoutakingyourmedication?”
“Itry,beta.Thesemedicationsarehardtoremember.”
“Baba!Youcan’tforget.”Kiranstoppedinthemiddleofthesidewalk.“Thesepillssaveyourlife.”
“Kiran,yourmotheralreadychewsmybrainaboutthesethings.Mustyoudoittoo?”
“Whoelsewill?Youonlyhaveus.”
“Atleastamanfeelsloved.”
“I’mnottheretolookoutforyou.OnlyMacan.Andshe’sbusyenoughwithtakingcareofthehouse.Makesureyoutakethosepills.”
“Whendidmydaughterbecomesuchanadult,huh?Tellingherfatherwhattodo,”heteased.
“That’slife,no?Parentsbecomechildrenandchildrenbecomeparents.”
“Everthephilosopher,myKiran.Gocooksomedinner.Eatwell.Takecareofyourhealth.”
“Iwill.Youtoo.Don’tforget—”
“Totakemymedicine.Iknow.”
“Well,ifyouknow,thenyoushoulddoit,no?”
“Youwerealwaystoosmartforyourowngood,”Babagrumbled.“Comehomesoon,beta.Thehousecomesalivewhenyou’rehere.”
Kiran’smemoryjoggedbacktoheryoungeryears,asachildwithlittlesilverankletstinklingwhenshewalkedandherfathercominghometoherandhersister.
Mygloryandmylight,hecalledthem,referringtothemeaningoftheirnames.
“IwishIcouldbringthelight,Baba,”Kiransaidsoftly.
“YoudowellinAmerica,anddoyourduty,beta.YourlightwillshineallthewaytoDelhi.”
Kiranhungup,missingbothherparentsandtheirquirkssomuchthatitachedinsideher.ChapterThree
NASH
Anewstart.
Afterdrivingamovingvanfourteenhours,puttinghisstuffinstorage,livingoutofasuitcasefortwoweekswhilesleepingonhisbestfriendBrandon’scouch,andfinallyfindinganapartment,Nashhadahome.
Itwasthesizeofashoebox…butitwasahome.
Heclosedthedoorandturnedtosurveythestudio.Hedidn’thavemuchstuff—he’dsoldmostofitbeforecomingupnorth.ThewindowsbehindhiscouchoverlookedThirdStreet.Hisbedwaspushedupagainsttheleftcorneroftheapartment,anookwherethelivingspacemettheouterwallsofthebathroom,creatingadedicatedsleepingspace.Therenovatedkitchenlinedtheright-sidewall,conspicuouslysmallerthananykitchenNashhadeverseen,withadoorattheendforabathroom.
HerememberedthenightswhentheelectricitywentoutandMomhadshoutingmatcheswiththeelectriccompanyaboutextendingtheirpaymentperiod.Memoriesofhistwinmattressagainstthecarpetmadehimthankfulforthefactthathecouldaffordaboxspringnow.Whilethewallscouldhaveusedanewcoatofpaint,asBrandonsokindlypointedout,theplacehadcharacter.
Thetruthwasthatcollege,amaster’sprogram,andadoctoratewereallicingonthecakeatapartyNashneverexpectedtobeinvitedtoanyway.Hewasgladtobehere,aliveandsuccessful.
Ittookhimlessthanthreehourstoorganizehisapartment,andhisappointmentsforutilitieshadbeensetup.Itwastimetoexploretheneighborhoodandseesomeofthesights.HavingarelativelyfreeSaturdaywouldbearareoccurrenceaftertoday,andsinceNashlovedhistory,perhapsitwastimetolooksomeup.
OneoftheothergradstudentsatVanderbilt,aBroadwaybuffnamedRhett,hadplayedtheHamiltonsoundtrackuntilevenNashwasrappingalongwitheveryword.AlexanderHamiltonwasbrilliantandamisfitandhadmovedtoNewYorktochangehislife.
Hedidn’thaveafamilyeither.
TherewassomethingabouttheconnectiontoagreatmanthatNashloved,andhesawonlinethattheHamilton-HollyHouse,aplaceAlexander’ssonhadowned,wascloseby.Betteryet,therewasabagelplacetwoblocksfromtherethathadopenedupagainpostpandemictothejoyoftheneighborhood,accordingtoYelpreviews.
Nash’sbellyagreedwiththisplanbygivingaloudgrumble.
Hetossedhissweatymove-inclothesintothelaundrybasketbyhisbed,tookashowerinrecordtime,andwasoutthedoorincleanjeansandateeminuteslater.
Thesunshinehithiminthefacewhenhesteppedoutofthebuilding.Brandonhadoncementionedthatstayingindoorswasn’tmuchofaNewYorkthinguntiltherecentpandemic.Andnowthatitwasover,peoplefloodedthestreetsagain—somewithmasks,butallfilledwithreliefatbeingabletoescapetheirshoebox-sizedapartments.
“Ourapartmentsaresosmall,weliketogetoutside,”he’dsaid.
Nashcouldseethetruthinthisobservation.Everywherehelooked,peoplepushedstrollers,walkeddogs,andcarriedlargebagsthatprobablycontainedtheirentirelives.
Helovedit.
Helovedtowatchpeople,toimaginewhattheirstoriescouldbe.Hewastheexample,afterall,ofnotknowingwhatsomeonehadbeenthroughtogetwheretheywere,andheoftenimaginedthesameofothers.Perhapsthehomelesspersononabenchhadbeenawarhero.MaybethewomanworkingatStarbuckshadoncebeenacorporatehonchowholostherjobinarecessionandneededtofeedherkids.
HestrolledupAvenueAandswungbytheHamilton-HollyHouseafewblocksawayforaglimpse.He’dreadthatastoreusedtoexistonthemainfloorbuthadrecentlybeenclearedforapartments,sohewalkedbyinstead,observingtheoldbrickandthecolonial-styleroofline.
Hisbellygaveagiantgrowloncemore.
Timeforthebagelplace.
Itwasacrossfromapark,whereNashcouldhavesworneverybenchwasoccupiedwitholdfriendschattingovercoffeeorlettingtheirdogsroaminthevicinity.
Heenteredtheshop,anunassumingnarrowspotthatdeceivedpassersbybyextendingitswoodfloorsdeepintothebuilding.Abakerybarwassetupontheleftwithdessertsandcreamcheesesondisplay,withakitchenbehindit.Thesmellofbreadwaftedthroughtheair,andNashcouldseecooksmixingdoughandplacinggianttraysofunbakedbagelsintotheindustrialovens.Thereweren’tmanyseats,andalinewrappedaroundthestore.
Nash’sheadspunwithoptions.Birthday-cakeicingwithacinnamonraisinbagel?Olive-pimentocreamcheese?
“WhatcanIgetyou?”Thequestioncametoosoon.
“Uhh…”
Eventually,tothereliefofthetwelvepeoplebehindhimwhoseimpatientsighsturnedaudiblythankfulwhenhesettledonasun-driedtomatobagelwithjalape?oandcheddarcreamcheese,hegothisfoodattheendofthecounterandsatisfiedhisgrumblingstomachwhilewalkinghome.
NashtiltedhisfaceuptotheJulysun.ItwastoastybutstillcoolerthanitwouldhavebeeninTennesseewherehisskinbrownedwithonlyafewminutesofbeingoutside.
Hetossedhisbagelwrapperinagarbagereceptacleoutfortrashday,tookthestepstwoatatime,pulledthedoortohisbuildingopen,andreachedintohispockettounlockthesecondsetofdoors,whichgaveresidentsaccesstotheirapartments.
Nothingjingled.
Frowning,hefishedintotheotherpocketonhisleftleg.
Inthemove,inthemiddleofthemanytimesheandBrandonhadshouted,“TossmeyourkeyssoIcangrabtheboxfromthetruck,”andtheunpacking,Nash—meticulousNash—hadlefthiskeysonthefootofcounterspacenexttothesink.Andhislandlord’snumberwasn’tprogrammedintohisphoneyet.
Heclosedhiseyes,clearlypicturingthekeysandcursinghimselfforhandingthemovertoBrandonsooftenthathelosttrackofthem.
Droppinghishead,hishandsonhiswaist,Nashtriedtofocusandcomeupwithasolution.Hecouldbuzzeveryapartmentinthebuildingandasksomeonetolethimin.Atleasthe’dbepastonesetofdoors,thoughitwouldn’tsolvetheissueofgettingintohisapartment.
Hetriedit.Notasinglepersonansweredhisring.
Hisleasewasinhisemail!Arushofjoycoursedthroughhim.He’dbeabletocallsomeonetogethimin.
ThankGodfortechnology,Nashthoughtashescrolledthroughhundredsofmessagesinhisinbox.Pullingupthenumberofhislandlordfromascannedcopyofthelease,herelishedthesurgeofvictory.
Untilnooneansweredhislandlord’sphone.
“Goddamn!Doyouhateme?”heexclaimed,lookingupattheinvisiblebeingseatedabove,whoheimaginedlaughingathisefforts.
“ShouldIgiveyouamoment?”askedavoicefromthedoortothebuilding.
Nash’sheadsnappedtothedoor.
AnIndiangirl,withblackhairtoherwaist,stoodatthefirstsetofdoors,observinghisconversationwith…noone.
Hisbloodrushedtohischeeksoutofembarrassment,warmingthem.
“I’msorry.I’mlockedout.”
“Areyounew?”thegirlasked,settingdowntwoplasticbagsofgroceriesthatshe’dbeenholdinginonehand.“Idon’tthinkI’veseenyouaroundbefore.”
“No…Imean,yes,I’mnew,sono,youhaven’tseenmearoundbefore.Imovedintoday.”
“Well,welcome.Icanletyouinifyou’dlike.”Sherummagedinherblacktoteandproducedasetofkeys…Wasthatalittleelephantmanhangingfromthemetalkeyring?
Nashstaredandshegazedathimexpectantly.
“IjustmovedherefromNashville—andit’sbeenascatterbrainedfewweeks.You’dthinkI’dremembersomethinglikemykeys,butnope.HereIam.Keyless.Andthelandlordwon’tanswerhisphonesoIcan’tgethimtoletmein.”
Hewasramblingandheknewit.Maybeitwastheunexpectedchaosthatblewhistypicallycalmdemeanortosmithereens.Maybeitwastherealizationsettinginthathehadlefthisbubble,thathehadnofriendsinthecitybesidesBrandon,andthatlifewasverydifferentherethaninthefriendlyconfinesofhisformerhome,butitwaslikehecouldn’tgethismouthtostopspillingwords.
Itcouldalsobethatthisgirlwasbeautiful—andherexpressionhadn’tbecomeanouncejudgmentalathisbarrageofwords.
Ratherthanlookfreakedoutattheeruptionofexplanations,Nashnoticedthegirl’sbrowneyeshadsoftenedintosympathy.Asmilecrossedherface.ThenshesaidsomethingNashdidn’texpect
“Wouldyoulikeacupofchai?”
“Wait…What?”
“Well,thelandlordonlyanswershisphoneaftersevenbecausehehasadayjobatthebodega,whichheworksmostdaysoftheweek.You’vegot…”Shecheckedherwatch,onewithanold-fashionedblackleatherstrapandasimpleface,andglancedupagain.“Ahalfhourtokill.AndI’vefoundthatchaicanfixalmostanything.”
“Likeachaitealatte?”Nashaskedwitharelievedlaugh.“Itseemslikethiscityrunsoncoffee.”
“Well…yes,onbothcounts.Butyou’realsoneverallowedtosay‘chaitealatte’inmypresenceagain.”
“Why’sthat?”
“Becausechaiistea.Whydopeoplecallita‘teatealatte’?Justsay‘chai.’Andwhyaddinthe‘latte’?Chaiismeanttobemadewithmilk.It’ssucharedundancy.Inacitythatclaimsthattimeismoney,you’dthinkthey’dstoprepeatingtheirwords,no?”Shelookedathimexpectantly.
Hersmileremainedtheentiretime,andNashgotthedistinctimpressionshewasn’tcriticizinghim.Finally,herwordscaughtuptohim.
“Well,then…”
“Kiran,”thegirlsupplied.
“Well,then,Kiran,I’mNashHawthorne,”hesaid,extendingahand.“AndIwouldloveacupofchai.”ChapterFour
KIRAN
Hecouldbeaserialkiller,KiranthoughtasNashfollowedherupaflightofstairstoherapartmentontheleft-handside.Oddly,thevoiceinherheadsoundedlikeSonam’s.
She’dneverbeenthetypetoinviterandomstrangersoverforchai—herspecialtreat,noless!—buttheearnestnessandoverwhelmedlookonNash’sface,andKiran’sownmemoryofbeingnewtoaplace,hadpromptedhertoextendtheinvitation.
Ormaybeitwasherboutofloneliness.
Afteraneveningofchaiwithherfriendsandachatwithherparentswhilegroceryshopping,Kiransensedapieceofherwasmissing.Itwasalwaysthatway,wasn’tit?Peoplealwaysfellintoroutinesand,slowlybutsurely,emptiedtheirtanksastheylivedthroughredundancy.Timespentwithlovedonesalwaysfilledthosetanksbackuptothebrim…andonealwayslongedforthatfeelingtolastlongerthaniteverdid.
KiranunlockedherdoorandhelditopenbehindherforNash.
Hesteppedinside,hiseyestakinginhissurroundings.“Well…yourapartmentisalotnicerthanmine.”
“Why,thankyou.”
“Mystyleis‘bachelorpadbare,’whereasyoursis…”
“IthinkAmericansdescribeitas‘hoarding,’no?”Kiransmiledandclosedthedoorbehindthem.
“IthinkI’ddescribeitascolorful.Thisisahappyplacetocomehometo.”
“Thankyou!Ithinkcolorscanchangepeople’smoodssoquickly.”
“I’dhavetoagree.Wakingupinthisplacemustautomaticallygiveyousomegoodenergy.”
Kiran’slargestudiowassplitintoalivingspaceandasleepingspace,withthreewindowslookingoverthestreet.Decoratingeachsillsatthreelittleplantsinsmallroundedpots,equallyspacedapartandinthesamecoloredorderofmetallicgold,yellow,andred.Abright-redloveseatfacedthebrickwall,andaTVhungonthewallacrossfromit.Afluffybluearmchairallowedathirdpersontobeseatedcomfortably.Acarpetwithgiantyellowsunflowerssetagainstabluebackgrounddecoratedthemiddleoftheroom.Bluesariswithagolddesignalongtheborder,animpulsebuyonherlastvisittoIndia,drapedfromanornategoldrodhangingfromwalltowallinthebackoftherectangularspaceandcreatedmakeshiftcurtainstoseparatehersleepingspace.Photos,allmountedinthesamegoldenframe,tookupmuchofthesparespacesonthewallsandwerelinedupsocleanlythatKiranwassureherhoursofeffortwitharulershowed.
Theentirespaceseemedtobeblastedwithcolor.
Thekitchenwascrammedfullofpots,pans,andoddsandends—andafaintsmellofspiceslingeredintheair.
Kiranslippedoffhershoesattheentrance,neatlyplacingthemonashoerackbythedoor.
Nashpausedforamomentatthedoor.“Doyouwantmetotakemyshoesoff?”
“Wouldyoumind?It’skindofanIndianthing.”
“Like,youdon’twanttoruinallthecolorsandprettythingsinhere?”
“Somethinglikethat.”
Hesmiledandusedthetoeofonefoottopulltheshoeontheotheroff.Hecarefullyputthembythedoorandshuffledafewfeetintotheroom,hesitating.
“Makeyourselfcomfortable!”Kiranchirpedassheplacedhergroceriesonthecounterandswiftlybegantoputthemintheirplaces.“I’llmakethechaiinamoment.Also,thatbluechairissupercomfortable.”
Nashlistenedtoheradviceandsankintothearmchair.“Haveyoulivedinthisplacelong?”
“Abouttwoyears.IwasinanapartmentwithmybestfriendswhenIfirstmovedtothecity.”
“Whenwasthat?”
“Sixyearsago,”Kiranrememberedfondly.“Igotajobinthecityasabiomedicalengineerrightaftergraduation.”Shefilledasmallpotwithmilkandsetittoboilonthestove.
“Ah,soyou’reascientist.”
“Whatdoyoudo?Or,givenyoumovedherefiveminutesago,whatwillyoubedoing?”
“I’mgoingtobeachildandadolescentpsychologistatNewYork-Presbyterian.”
“Howexciting!”
Kiranchoppedsomegingerandsprinkleditintothemilkandwater,followedbycardamom,sugar,adropofvanilla,cinnamon,nutmeg,blackpepper,andanise.
Theloosetealeaveswerethelastthingsheaddedtotheflavorfulmix.Astheconcoctionsimmered,thearomaofspicysweetnessbegantopermeatetheair,makingtheapartmentacozy,warmspacethatbelongedinthemiddleofwinterratherthanthemiddleofJuly.
Kiranstirredasthemilkturnedfrothyandthenswitchedoffthegasonthestove.Sheheldastrainerandexpertlyfilteredtheliquidthroughit,fillingeachcupwithsteamingchaiinnotime
ShenoticedNashhadturnedhisattentionfromasciencemagazineonasidetabletothedirectionofthekitchenwherethesmellwasthemostintoxicating.
“Youknow,I’msimultaneouslyexcitedandnervous,”Nashadmittedashewatchedherstepcarefullytowardhimwithteacupsinhand.
“Aboutthetea?”
“Aboutthejob.”
SomethingaboutthewayhiseyebrowsroseashesaiditmadeKiranthinkhehadn’tconfessedthistoanyonebefore.
“Whyareyounervous?”
“Yourememberwhatitwaslikewhenyougraduatedfromhighschool?”
“IknewIwasmovingtoadifferentcountry.Itwasterrifying.”
“Exactly.I’vebeeninNashvilleallofthistime.Thoughitwasanewphaseoflife,therewassomethingfamiliarabouttheenvironmentthatdidn’tchange.Now,it’sallnew.”
Shehandedhimacupandsatontheloveseatacrossfromhim,foldingherfeetbeneathher.
“Idon’thaveanydoubtyou’llthrive.”Kiransmiled.
“Thissmellsamazing,bytheway.Andonceagain,Iwillnevercallit‘chaitea.’Ever.”
“TheIndianinmethanksyouprofusely.”
“Momentoftruth…”Nashgrinned,raisinghiscuptoher.
Hetookasip.
Kiranbouncedhertoesagainstthesofaasshewaited,herownteacupsteamingunderneathhernose.
Nashstaredinsidehiscup.“ThismightbethebestdrinkI’veeverhad.”
“Liar.”Butshewaselated.
“Forreal.You’veruinedcoffeeformeforever.”
“WeusedtodrinkthiseverymorningandeveryeveningbackinIndia.”
“Sothat’swhereyoulearnedhowtomakethisnectarfromheaven?”
“Indeed.Thoughmyfather’sisbetter.It’stheonlythinghecanmakeinthekitchen.”
“Well,whylearnanythingelse,right?Ifyoursoleexpertiseisthisgood.Canyoucooktoo?”
“Areyouhopingfordinnertonight?”
Nashshookhishead,lookingbashful.“You’vebeentookind.Iwouldneverask.”
“Iwasonlykidding.ButIcancook.Icanalsoeat.”
“Alwaysanotabletalent.Anyfavorites?”
“Iamaworld-classmacaroniandcheeseconnoisseur.”
“Wait,really?Mac’ncheese?”
“Foodofthegods.”
“Youliveinthelargestfoodcapitalintheworld,andyou’rechoosingtoddlerfood.”
“Yes.Istandbythischoice.”
“IamfromtheSouth,youknow,soImakeameanmac,”Nashsaid,takingasipofhischai.“You’llwanttostuffyourfacewithit.”
“That’swhatshesaid,”sherepliedwithoutmissingabeat.Thenburningheatroseintohercheeks.
Nashburstoutlaughing.
“I’msosorry.Mybestfriend,Payal,isaterribleinfluence,andsometimesIcan’tstopmyselffromsayingthingsoutloudthatshewould.”
“Youknow,thosejokesareadimeadozen,butIsureashelldidn’texpectittocomefromyou.”Hechuckledagain.
“Isitthatobviousthatallmygoodjokescomefrommybestfriends?”
“Youjustdidn’tstrikemeasadirtyjokekindofgirl.Iknowthatsoundsweird…Youseeminnocentsomehow.”
“Ah,well,Mr.Hawthorne,Ipridemyselfonbeingawomanofmystery.”
“Unpredictability…Icanrollwiththat.”
“Actually,Iamprettypredictable,”Kiranconfessed.“Butitiswaycoolertosoundlikeanenigma.”
Nashlaughed.“Well,Ithinkyou’replentycool,sodon’tyouworryaboutthat.”
“Why,thankyou.”
Theydrankinsilenceforamoment.
“Ineverhaditgrowingup,”shesaidsuddenly.
“What?”
“Macaroniandcheese.Cheesewasn’treallyathing,outsideofpaneer.Ormaybeitwasbutwecouldn’taffordit.”
“Paneer?”
“It’slike…”KiranscrunchedhernoseasshetriedtocomeupwiththeEnglishequivalentforthebutterygoodnessthatwaswell-madepaneer.“It’sliketightlypackedricotta.”
“I’mnotsurethatsoundsappetizing.”
“Oh,butitis!”shecriedout.“Withtomatoesandonions,setuponatandoor,spicedandsizzling.”
ThementalrecollectionofMa’scookingwasenoughtomakehermouthwater.
“Okay,maybethatdoessoundgreat,”hesaid.“Andyoumissit.”
“Howdoyouknow?”
“Icantell.Thewayyourvoicechanges.Thewayyourfacegetsanimated.Doyougettogobackoften?”
Herdemeanorshiftedlikethebreeze,asuddengustbeforethecalm.Sheinhaled,smellingthepollutedandstill,sweetairasifshe’dsteppedoffaplaneintotheblastofboilingatmosphere.
“No,”shemurmuredquietly.“Ishould.I’vegonebackonceandinvitedmyparentsonce.”
“Whatdidtheythink?”
Oddly,sheappreciatedthewayheaskedthequestion.Therewasnoautomaticassumptionthathervillage-bredparentswereinaweofthemassivebuildingsandclean-keptparks.
“Likeanyone,theywereoverwhelmedbyallthedifferentfacesandlanguages.Butintermsofchaos,NewYorkisnochangefromIndia.”Sheshrugged.“Whenyougrowuparoundabillionpeople,yougetusedtohavingnopersonalspace.”Notthatwewouldhavehaditanywayinourhome…andwelikeitthatway
“Hey,ifyourparentscamefromadifferentcountryandenjoyedit,hatsofftothem.I’velivedintheUnitedStatesmyentirelife,andevenIwasscaredshitlessmovinghere.”
Hiscandorsurprisedher.Hisaccentwastheonlyindicatorthathewasn’tanativeNewYorker…that,andhisimmediatewarmthwithstrangers.
“That’ssurprisingtome.”
“Why’sthat?”
“Youseemsosureofyourself.”Ifshewashonest,shewasalittlejealous.IfNashhadalist,he’dprobablyhavefinisheditbynow…orsoitseemed.
“Ithinkyouhavetoapproachlifewithalittleconfidence.Itworksoutintheend,andyouhavetostayinthemomentandhandleitasitcomes.”
“Youmeanlikewhenyoulockyourselfoutofyourapartmentandneedtohangoutwithaneighboryoudon’tknow?”Itwasherturntoteasehim.
“Somethinglikethat,yeah!”Hegrinnedandshesmiledtoo.“Soyousaidyoubroughtyourparents…nosiblings?”
TheabruptpauseintheconversationbroughtatwingeofawkwardnesstowhathadbecomeacomfortableafternoonteaforKiran.Nashwaitedpatiently,seeminglyunawarethathehadsetoffaninternalbombinsideher.Shechewedhercheekforanexcessiveamountoftime,untilshefeltlikethegiantelephantintheroomwasshovingher.
“Ihaveasister.”
“Areyouguysclose?”
Thistime,shewasready.“No,notreally.”
“Older?Younger?”
“She’solder,”Kiransaid.“Fifteenyears.She’sinherfortiesnow.”
“Wow,bigagegap.”
WhatNashdidn’tseewasKirancalculatingwhetherKirtiwouldactuallybeforty-twoorforty-three.HerbirthdaywasonAugust15,IndianIndependenceDay.ItwasonlyJulynow,soKiranwasafewmonthsaheadonherestimation.
“Indeed.Anysiblingsforyou?”
Therewasastrangeimpulsetopokeatherownsorespotswhenfindingoutinformation.Itwasasifeverytimesheaskedfriendsabouttheirbrothersandsisters,shewouldpushonherownthrobbingbruise,hopingthatwithenoughonslaughts,theachewouldfade.KiranwantedtofindoutaboutanothersiblingrelationshipandclosethegapshefelteveryraretimeshementionedKirti’sname.Shewantedhertoughskintobecomeevenmorecallused,tolayeroveralltheyearsofprotectionshe’dbuiltoverherheartinhersister’sabsence.
IntheyearsfollowingKirti’sdeparturefromtheirfamily,Kiranhadtransformedintoanonlychild.Shelearnednottomentionherbigsister’snameandinsteadtofocusonherownsuccesssosheneverhadtoviewherparents’disappointedfaces.EvenKirti’sfacewasfading.
Buttheacheneverquitedisappearedcompletely.Andshecouldn’tplacewhetherthehollownessinherheartwasnamedafterabandonmentorsadness.ChapterFive
NASH
WhateverthestrangeexpressionofexpectationthatKiranhadonherfacewas,Nashmusthavedisappointedherwithhisanswer.
“I’manonlychild.”
ThewayKiran’sfacehadfallenwhenshe’dtalkedaboutsiblings,asifshewerebracingherselfforashock,disappearedasquicklyasitcame.
“What’syourfavoritememoryofyoursister?”
“Herwedding.Itwasnicetoseeallthefamilytogether.”
“Thatsoundsfun!”
“Itwas.Iwasonlyeight,butIdancedatit,anditstandsoutinmymindasagoodmemory,youknow?”
“IrememberatriptoDisneyWorldwithmyparentswhenIwasthreeorfour.Somememoriesdon’tfadewithtime.Doyoustilldance?”
“Mm-hmm.MostlyBollywoodclassesaroundthecityandaclassicalclasshereandthere…There’saworkoutclasscalledDoonyathatIlovegoingtobecauseit’sBollywooddance-based,andthecardioburnisoneyoufeelfordays.Butgrowingup,Iwasonlyeverclassicallytrained.”
“Wow,lookatyou.That’sabigdeal,right?”
“Isupposeso.It’smostlyagreatreleaseforme—tensionfadesaway.”
“Icanseethat.Evenyourfacerelaxeswhenyoutalkaboutit.”
“Asopposedtousual,whenI’muptight?Youknow,accordingtoyourvastamountofknowledgeofme.”Kiranraisedaneyebrow.
“Exactly.”
Theybothlaughed.
“Howaboutyou?What’syourfavoritechildhoodmemory?”
Heloweredhiseyestothetablenexttothem,thensethisemptycuponacoaster,absentmindedlyspinningit.
“ChasingfireflieswithmymomwhenIwaslittle.ShewassickalotwhenIwasyounger,andbeingabletospendthattimewithherischerishednow.”
“I’msorryshewasill.”Kiran’seyesdroopedinthecorners,andhergenuinereactionmeltedthecoldofhismemory.Notenoughtoeliminateit.Butenoughforhimtonotice.
“Thankyou.”
Hedidn’tbringupthepartabouthisparentsbothbeinggone.Itwasn’tthatitlackedimportance,butinthismoment,hedidn’twanttoweighdowntheconversation.Hedidn’twantthelookofpitypeoplegavehimwhenhetoldthemhehadnofamily.Besides,sayinghehadnoparentsmadeitsoundlikehewasaloneintheworld,andhewasn’t.HehadAuntKate,whosupportedhim,andhisfriends.
“Soyousaidyou’refromNashville,right?”
“Iam.I’masouthernboy.”
“Iwentthereonce.MyfriendPayalissuchapartyer,andshewasdeterminedtotaketripstothebiggestpartycapitalsintheUnitedStates,sowewounduptakingatriptoVegas,followedbyNashville,followedbyAustin.”
“Thatsounds…exhausting,”Nashsaid.“I’mnotsureIwouldhavesurvivedthat.”
“Wehadbarelygraduatedcollege,soitwasmuchmorebearable!”Kiranlaughedatthememory.“Itwaslikeacelebratorytrip.Ithinkherliverisstillrecovering.”
“Andyours?”
Nashdidn’tmeantosoundjudgmental,buthistonecameoffthatwayanyway.Hewasalwaysinterestedintheanswerspeoplegavetoquestionsaboutdrinkinghabitsbecausehe’dseenfirsthandwhatthosepatternscoulddo.
“Idon’tdrinkthatoften,tobehonest.Ilovedtheenvironment,theenergy,themusic.Nashvillehasalittlemagicaboutit.”Kiran’seyeslitup.“Wewereatthisbardowntown—itwasontopofamuseum,overlookingtheriver—”
“TheGeorgeJonesMuseum?”
“Yes!”Kirancried.“Andweweresippingourdrinksanditstartedgettingdarkoutside.We’relookingatthestadiumandthatpedestrianbridge,andwehearthisman,aroundourdads’age,talkaboutDuke.Sowementionwe’dgraduatedafewweeksearlierfromthere,andheinvitesusovertochatwithhisfamilyandthenpointsoutthemoonrising.It’sabeautiful,brilliantfullmoon.Andhetellsusthatthereareonlytwelvefullmoonsinayear…andifapersonlivessixty-fiveyears,thenthereareonlyabouteighthundredfullmoonstowatchinalifetime.Nashvillemakesmethinkofthatmemory,andithassomuchmagicaboutit—alcoholornot.”
Thewaysheseemedtoburstattheseams,fulloftheverymagicshewasdescribing,madehisstomachleappleasantly,likeherhappinesswascontagious.
Nashwasalsounexpectedly,inexplicablyrelievedaboutherpartyhabits.“Itdoes,Iagree.Ididn’treallygettoexperiencethebeautyofituntilcollege,butit’sdefinitelyawonderfulplacetobe.”
“Why’dyouleaveit?WhatmadeyouchooseNewYork?”
“IgrewupinNashville.Wenttocollegethere.Graduateschool.Andthenatsomepoint,Irealizedthatmybubblewastiny.Therewasanentireworldtosee,andIwantedtoexpandmyownandletgoofanythingthatheldmeback.Itseemedlikeagreattimetomakeachange.Mybestfriendlivesinthecity,andhesaiditwasamazing.Iresearchedsomepsychologyprograms,anditturnedoutthehospitalI’matwashiring…sohereIam.”
“That’samazing!Youmusthaveworkedsohard.”
“Well,judgingbythefactthatyou’refromanothercountryandgettingherecanbetough…Ithinkyou’reprettyamazingtoo.”Nashfeltshysayingitoutloud,nervesofunknownorigincausingbutterfliesinhisstomach.“WherewereyoubeforeNewYork?”
“Well,IwasinavillageoutsideofDelhiformyearlychildhood,thengotascholarshiptoaboardingschoolinIndia,whichwasagiantlegup.ThenwenttoDukeforundergradandamaster’sdegreeinthiscombinedfive-yearprogram.Thencamehereandstartedwork.”
“That’simpressive.”NashhadheardfromhisgraduateschoolcohortmemberswhohadcomefromothercountriesthatonehadtobethecreamofthecroptogetadmittanceintoanAmericanuniversity.
“Ithinkeveryonehasacertaindriveorgoalthatpromptsthemtosuccess,youknow?Ifyoukeepthatgoalinmind,thenyouworklikehelluntilyouachieveit.”
“Andwhatwasyourgoal?”Nashasked.
“Wedidn’tgrowupwithmoney.Iwantedmyparentstoliveastress-freelife.”
“Arethey?”
“ImovedthemintoaplaceinDelhisotheyhavebetteraccesstothingsastheygetolder,likehospitalsanddoctors.They’reelderly,andmydadhadaheartattackafewyearsago,soit’simportanttometosupportthem.Whatwasyourreasontobecomeapsychologist?”
“Kids,”Nashsaidsimply.
Kiran’seyebrowsshotupinsurprise.“Kids?Asinyouhavethem?”
“AsinIdidn’thavethegreatestchildhood,andIthoughtbeingapsychologistandallowingchildrentobethemselveswouldbeagreatwaytoprovideasafespace.”
“That’snoble,Nash.I’mgladthatyouendeduphere.”Hereyesdroppedtoherhandsasshegaveasoftsmile.
Hischeekswarmedbeforehespoke.“Youknow…sinceI’mnewtothecity,wouldyoumindifItextyoueveryonceinawhiletohangout?”
Hefeltlikeachildaskinganothertoplay,tentativeandnervousfornoreasonotherthanwantingtobeliked.
ButthewayjoyspreadacrossKiran’sface,likeshewasblessedthatanyonewouldwanttospendtimewithher,wassoworthriskingtheappearanceofidiocy.He’dneverfeltsoproudofmakingsomeone’sfacelightup.
“I’dlovethat.”
Nashreluctantlylookedathiswatch,anditwasafewminutespastseven.“Well,Ishouldprobablycallthelandlord.”
“Sure.I’llgiveyouasecond.”
HehandedKiranhiscup,andtheirfingersbrushedtogether.Nashhadneverbeenonetothinksparkswerereal,butthetinglesheleftwithhergentletouchwaslikeafeathertracingcirclesalongthebackofhisneck—andthesensationshotthroughhisbody,leavinggoosebumpsonhisarms.
Hereyeswidenedforasplitsecondbeforeshehookedthehandleofherowncuparoundafinger.Shewalkedovertothesinkashedialedthenumber.
Thephonerangsixtimesbeforehereachedvoicemail.Feelingputout,heleftamessageandhungup.
“Hedidn’tpickup,”Nashsaid.“I’mreallysorry.IcangototheStarbucksaroundthecornerifyou’vegotsomethingtodo.”
“Giveitabitoftime.HaveyouwalkedaroundtheEastVillagemuch?”
“No,notasmuchasI’dlike!I’mnotanold-timerlikeyou.”
“Well,thenwhydon’twetakeawalk?”
Whowasthisgirl?Herkindnesswasunexpected—andcertainlymorethanheeverthoughtpossibleinsomeonehebarelyknew.Hecouldn’tthinkofasinglepersonwhowouldspendthismuchtimewithatotalstranger.
“AreyousureI’mnotimposing?You’vealreadybeensosweet.”Nashhesitated.
Kiransmiled.“You’remyguest,andIhaveafreenight.Let’sgo.”
Shepluckedherkeysoffthehookhangingbythedoor,slidonapairofflip-flops,andheldthedooropenforhim,waiting.
Hepausedforamoment,thenpulledhissneakersofftherackandslidhisfeetinside.
“Haveyoubeentoanyfoodplacesyet?”Kiranaskedastheysteppedbackoutside.
“There’sabagelplaceonAvenueAclosetoElevenththatIreallylikedtoday.”
“Ohmygosh,TompkinsSquareBagels!TheentiretenpoundsIgainedwhenImovedtoNewYorkcamefromthatplace.Theyshouldhavenamedabagelafterme.”
“Iswear,theirjalape?ocheddarcreamcheeseislacedwithsomething.I’malreadycravinganotherone.”
“Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifitwas.IusedtothinkapartofmydaywasmissingifIdidn’thavebreakfastthere.”
“Sotruelove,then?”Nashjoked,tryingtoignorethecuriositypiquinginhismindaboutwhatitwouldbeliketobesomethingshemissed.
“TheclosestI’vecometoit!”Kirangiggled.“Nosurprisethatit’swithfood.”
“Well,you’llhavetotakemetoallyourfavoritefoodplaces.Igottalearnyourways.”
“You’reinforalotofnights,then,becauseIcan’tchooseoneortwo!”
“I’mnotgoingtocomplain.”
“Okay,stop!”Kiranfrozeinhertracks.
“What?Areyouokay?”Nash’strainingarounderraticpatientskickedintohighgear,andheinstantlypreparedhismindforanumberofoutcomes.
“Turnaround.”Kirantouchedhisarmtoguidehim.
Sheleftasoftimprintthere.Evenafterhewasfacingthebrickwallshehadturnedhimtoward,hiselbowfeltthepressureofherfingers,andheranhishandoverhisarmtomakeitfadebeforehelookedup.
Paintedonthesideofabuildingwasagiantworkofartwithbrightcolors.Numerousfacesandheadspoppedoutfromtheimage,tintedinhuesoforanges,pinks,andgreens.Asheglanceddownward,sculpturesofmetaldottedagreenyardfullofmetalworks.
Hehadalmostpassedbywithoutnoticing.
“Surprise?”
Nash’smouthdroppedopen.“Thisisbeautiful.”
Hiseyeshungrilyscannedoverthecurvesofeachfaceandthehardenedlinesonthefeaturesoftheelderly.
“ThisiswhatIloveaboutlivingintheEastVillage.Youmindyourownbusinessandwalktorunerrandsorgettowork,butsuddenlyyoulookup,andthere’sartallaroundyou.”
“Iguessyouhavetoopenyoureyestofindthemagic,”hemurmured,glancingaround,tryingtofindmorehiddengems.
Theireyesmet.Andinthesunlight,Nashcouldseeeverycrystallinebrownpeakandcreviceintheirisesofhereyes.
Wasthatatwinkle?
Hisphonebuzzed,andtheybothstartledattheloudringbetweenthem.
Hey,Nash,sorryImissedyourcall.I’llmeetyouinthebuildingintenminutesandwillletyouin.
“Well,thelandlordsayshecanletmeintomyplace.”
“See?Youreveningdidn’tturnoutsobadly,didit?”
“No.Itwassurprisinglywonderful.Thankyouforhostingmeandbeingsokind.”
“Anytime.”
Astheyenteredtheirbuilding,NashwavedatKiran.
Shegrinnedathim,gaveawiggleofherfingersinresponse,andascendedthestairstohersecond-floorapartment.Ashewatchedherfromthelobby,thankfulforthekindnessofstrangers,hehopedthiswouldn’tbethelasttimehegottoexperienceit.ChapterSix
KIRAN
Sonam:Hecouldhavebeenaserialkiller.
Thisisdéjàvu,Kiranthought.
Kiran:Notaserialkiller.Areallyniceguy.
Payal:Washecute?Anyprospectsforus?
Kiran:IdidmentionAmerican,right?Sononeforme.
Payal:Okay,thenanswerthefirstpart.Cute?
Sonam:Alwaysthefirstconcern.
Akash:WhyamIonthisthread?Idon’tneedtohearthis.
Kiran:RememberthattimeAkashwasintothatmagicshow?
Akash:ItwasKingArthur!“Thatmagicshow.”Listentoyourself.
Kiran:Helooksalittleliketheguyonit.
Sonam:Hebelongsonamagicshow?
Akash:ITWASASHOWABOUTKINGARTHUR.
Payal:Goplaywithyourwand,Akash.
Sonam:Don’tencouragehim.He’llfindsomeonetoplaywithhiswandforhim
Akash:Ihateyouall.
KirantriednottogiggleatthethreadoftextmessagesflowingbetweenthegroupthedayaftersheandNashhadhungout.Atvariouspointsintheweek,sometimeswithaseriousproblemandsometimeswithafunnystory,thethreadtitled“CMC”onherphonewouldblowupwithmessageaftermessagebetweenthefourfriends.
Shehadmentionedshewascravingbagelsthatsheandanewfriendinherapartmentbuildinghaddiscussed—butatthementionofthewordhe,thisseeminglyinnocuousstorysuddenlyhadsparkedafireofintrigueinherbestfriends.
ShetriedtothinkabouthowNashlookedtoaccuratelydescribehim.
Hiseyeswereblue—thekindofteal-bluecolorthatonesawinphotosoftheCaribbeanbutwereneverquiteconvincedactuallyexisted.Theyweredeeplyandwidelyset,whichhidthebrillianceuntilKiranhadlockedeyeswithhimlastnight.
Hisfinenosewassomewhatdainty,butwhenhesmiled,hisstrongjawlinebecamemoreapparent,andsuddenly,therewasnothingforgettableabouthisface.
Itwashissmile,ifanything,thatshewouldeventuallytellPayalabout.Hehadthekindofsmilethatshowedanentirerowofperfectteeth,withfulllips,thebottomonemoreprominentthanhistop.
Hisdirtyblondhairdidn’tappeartocooperatemuchwithwhathewastryingtogetittodo,keepitoffhisforehead.Itwasn’tacleancut,asthoughhe’dletitgrowoutaninchlongerthanheshouldhaveandnowthefrontfloppedontohisforeheadifhedidn’trunhisfingersthroughit.
Yes.Nashwasattractive.Therewasnoquestion.
ButshewasonlytellingPayalbecausesheasked.
Kiranfoundherminddriftingtothateveningmoreoftenthanshewouldhaveexpected,flashingbacktotheeasewithwhichNashspoketoherandhowitneverfeltliketheywerestrangers,despitehavingmetonlymomentsbeforesheinvitedhimuptoherplace.Quietly,shehopedtoseehimaroundthebuilding—perhapsontheirwayouttoworkorinafteralongday—butdayspassed,andNashwasgettingfurtheraway.
Butloandbehold,sometimeswhenonewished,theuniversegave.
Twoweeksafterthatmemorableevening,Kiranstretchedoutonherloveseat,wantingtoread,buttheuntouchedbooksatinherlap.Shestaredatherphoneinstead,mindlesslyscrollingthroughBollywoodnewsstories.ThelatestactresstomakeitinHollywoodhadrecentlymarriedanAmericansuperstar,andIndiangossipragswerebeingsurprisinglyacceptingaboutit.
AknockatthedoorpromptedKirantojump,droppingherphoneintheprocess.
NotrecallinganyappointmentsandthinkingtheCMCwereallbusytonightwithworkorplans,shewenttothedoortentatively.Shehopeditwasn’tasolicitor.Shewasterribleatgettingoutoflong,drawn-outsalespitchesandsquirmedthroughtheminstead.
Thepersonontheothersideofthedoorwasfarmorewelcome.
“Nash!”Shetriednottosoundtoorelieved,butitcameoutasasqueak.
Hewaswearingareddressshirtandblackdresspantsheldbyablackleatherbelt.Hissleeveswererolledup,anditaddedacertaincarelessnesstohisotherwiseformaloutfit.Hishairwasasdisheveledasitwasthenightthey’dmet.
“Hi!Doyouwanttogoouttonight?”
“Like…?”
“Likedinner?”
No.No,no,no,thiswasn’tsupposedtohappen.Shewantedafriendinthebuilding.Hadshegivenhimsignalsthatshewasinterested?Hadsheblownthisfriendshipsomehow?See,thiswaswhysheshouldneverbenice.Wasn’ttherearuleaboutaskingsomeoneonadatethenightofsaiddatetoo?Athree-dayrule?ShecouldhaveswornPayalmentionedsomething.
Shewasnotavailable.AtleastnotforanAmericanwhiteguywhoherparentswouldneverbeabletorelateto.
Shefaltered,hergrindisappearingintheraceofthoughts.“I…Oh…well,Nash,I’msorry…Idon’tdate.Imean,I’mnotdatingrightnow.Imean,Ican’t—”
Hiseyeswidenedatherflusteredresponse.Finally,whenshe’dsufficientlymadeafoolofherself,helaughed.“No,Ididn’tmean…It’smyfirstdayoffinawhile.Iwantedtogooutanddosomething.Iwasn’taskingyouout.”
“Oh.”
Well,nowshefeltstupid.
“Notthatyouaren’tworthaskingout.Ithinkyou’rewonderful,ofcourse.Butthatwasn’tmyintention.Iwantedfoodandthoughtcompanywouldbemorefun.”
“Sorry.I’msorry,”shesaidagain.“I’mnothighonmyself…Ijust—”
“Youaren’tverygoodwithbeingflustered,areyou?”
Shestaredathimforasecond.“No.”
“Icouldn’ttell.”
Despitehiseasymanner,shecouldsensetheheatrisinginherchestandcheeks,andshefidgetedinthedoorway,wishingshecoulddisappear.Howcouldshehavejumpedtothatconclusion?
“Kiran?”
Hereyessnappeduptohim.
“Dinner?Wouldyouliketogo?”Hegazedatherexpectantly.
“When?”
“I’mgoingtochange.Canweleaveintenminutes?”
Shetookadeepbreath,collectingherself.“Absolutely.”
TherestaurantNashwantedtogotowasdownthestreet.KiranconsideredshootingSonamatexttojointhem,sincesheworkednearbyatMountSinaiandNashwaslookingformorefriendsanyway,butfinallydecidedagainstit.Herinstinctsusuallyledherright,andforwhateverreason,theyshoutedathertogoalone.
“Howwasyourday?”Nashaskedashestrolleduptoher.
ThereddressshirtandbelteddresspantswerenowreplacedbyapairofjeansandablackHenley.Hissneakersandcasualclothesseemedtofithispersonalitymuchbetter.Kiran’sfingerswerecrossedthattherestaurantwasn’ttoofancy,andshewaspacifiedbyNash’scasualappearance.Shedidn’tfeeloutofplaceinherpaisley-patternedblue-and-orangepencilskirtandbluetanktopastheysteppedinsidetheindustrialchicestablishment.Masonjarsservedasglassesateachplacesetting.Thelightshungoncopperymetalfixtures,reminiscentofarustingwaterpipe.Whitewoodpanelingandexposedwoodenfloorsaddedtotherusticvibe.
Theywereseatedoutside,onbenchesofyellowwoodthatblockedthesidewalkandallowedthemtoviewboththehipsterfacadeoftherestaurantandthestreetwithequalinterest.Kiran’seyesdriftedtotheeclecticcrowdwalkingby—anolderwomandressedinneonleggings,walkingherdog,andacoupleinsuits,holdinghands.
Kiranlovedsummersinthecity,especiallynowthatitwasaliveagain,andthisnightwasnodifferent.
“I’veheardthebucketofbirdisreallygoodhereifyoulikechicken.”Nashbrokethesilenceasheexaminedthemenu.
“I’mvegetarian,actually!”Shebracedfortheinevitablequestion.
“Oh,doyoumindifIgetsomethingwithmeat,then?”
Okay,thatwasn’tit.“Oh.No.No,it’sfine.”
“Areyousure?Youdon’tsoundit.”
Shelaughedathertransparency.“I’msure.Iwasexpectinganotherquestion.”
“Whetherit’sreligiousoryourchoice?”Hegrinned,asifheknewexactlywhatshewasthinking.
“Yup.”
“Well?”
“Both.Startedoffonewayandthenbecamemywayoflife.”
“Cool.”
Shefeltalurchofpleasantsurpriseatthewayhesimplyacceptedheranswerwithoutfurtherquestioningor,worse,adoubtfulglanceataseeminglystrangebelieffromanunfamiliarplace.WhetheritwasherIndianaccentorthecolorofherskin,shewassousedtofeelingoutsidethecirclethatNash’sacceptancewaslikeahug.
“Itriedtochooseaplacethathadmacandcheese.”Nashsmiled.
“Well,that’skindofthoughtful,thankyou!”Kirantouchedherheart.
“Don’tcountoniteverytime,though.IhearNewYorkpizzaisathing,andifyouputmacaroniandcheeseonthat,I’mputtingthekiboshonbeingfriends.”
“Pizzaisathing.Thereisnothinglikeit.”
“Ishouldprobablymakealistofthingstocheckout,huh?”
Animpulsesimmeredinherbellytotellhimaboutherlist—toconfessthatshewantedtobeadventurousandbold—andmaybeshewantedthosethingswithhim,becauseanewfriendwouldbenoveltoo.
“I—SomyfriendsandImadetheselistsincollege—andwhenwemovedtothecity,wehadgrandplanstodoallthethingsonthem.Payalfoundthemtheotherday,andIdidn’tdoverymanyofmythings.”Itcameoutinonebreath.Smooth.
“Likealistofadventures?”
“Exactly.IfeellikeI’vebeencarryingitaroundasaremindertobealittlemoreconsciousaboutgettingout,especiallynow.Wewerecoopedupforsolong,andItookitall—beinghere—forgranted.”Shepulledouttheneatlyfoldedpieceofagedpaperandhelditinfrontofher.
“Well,let’shearit,then.”
Herwallswentupbeforeshecouldstopthem—andsheendeduppickingtwoofthemostsimpleitems.“IwanttoplayatanAmericanarcade.AndIwanttorideahorse.”
“Idon’tknowwhereyou’llfindahorseinthecity…”
“Don’tpeeinmyCheerios!”ItwasSonam’sfavoritephrase.
Heglancedupwithanamusedexpression.“Okay,nopeeinginfooditems.Whatelse?”
Kiranreadtherestofthelistshe’dbeenponderingforthelasttwoweeksbutleftoutMaandBabaanddancingunderthestars.Theywerechildishfancies.“Doyouhaveanythingsyouwanttotry?”
Nashopenedhismouth.
“Wait!Ihaveanotepad.Let’swritethemdown!”
“Youcarryaroundanotepad?DoyouhaveoneofthosebagslikeMaryPoppins?”
“I’manerd,whatcanIsay?”Shereachedintoherbagagain,producedasmallfloralstationerypadwiththewordsToDoprintedonthetop,andplaceditgentlyonthetable.Sheclickedapenandpushedittowardhim.
“Aptlylabeledstationery,”hecommented.
“Indeed.Continue.”
“I’dliketogotoTopoftheRockatnight.I’veheardit’sagreatview.Ofcourse,I’dlovetocheckouttheBrooklynBridge.Iknow—superbasicandtouristy.IalsowanttotryarealNewYorkpizza.”Hewrotethemdownasherecitedthemoutloud.
Kiranobservedhissmallblocklettering.Hewasleft-handed,andsomehowthatcaptivatedher,likeapoignantdetailonapaintingthatchangedtheentiremeaning.
“Doyouhavemorethatyouwanttoaddtoyourlist?”Nashasked.
“AfoodfestivalinBrooklyn—I’vedoneitonce,butitwaswhenIfirstcametoNewYork.ItoldmyselfI’ddoiteverysummer,butit’sbeenatotalfail.AquietwalkalongtheUpperEastSide—whichI’vedoneplentybutisstilloneofmyfavoritethings.TheBronxZoo.Iactuallyhaven’tdonethat.”
KirannoticedthetinyfrownthatwrinkledNash’sbrowforamillisecond,butitwasgonebeforeitwasreallyeventhere.
“Whataboutnon-NewYorkerthings?”hesaid.
“Areyougoingtowritethosedowntoo?”sheteased.
“I’mcurious!Makingthislistiscausingmetothink.”
“You’lllaugh.Mostofthemaresilly”
“Tryme.”
Herinstinctwastochangethesubject—openingupaboutallthethingsshewantedtodotosomeonenewwaslikeexposinganerve.Vulnerabilitywithstrangerswasn’therstrongsuit.
Butthenserendipitousoptimismfilledher.MaybeNashwouldpushhertolookupanddothethingsshehadn’tyet.
“Promiseyouwon’tteaseme?”
“Crossmyheart.”
“Allthoselittlethingsyoudoonthespurofthemomentthatmakeyoufeelaliveeverytimeyouthinkofthem—anightofchatterunderthestars,ordancingunderthem.ThosearethingsI’ddo.Theyaren’tmomentousorascoolassellingallyourthingsandtravelingtheplanetforayear,buttheyaretheexperiencesI’dholdclose.AdventuresI’dwanttohave.”
Nashsmiled.Itwasthemostpeaceful,acceptingsmileKiranhadeverseen.
“There’snothingsillyaboutthosedreams,Kiran.Everyonehasthingstheywanttochasedownbecausetheyfillsomethinginsideofthem…Thoseareyours.”
“Tellmeaboutyou.DoyouhaveanydreamsbeyondNewYorkCityadventures?”
“I’veonlybeenoutofthecountryonce—canyoubelieveit?I’vealwayswantedtogotoanothercontinent.AndI’dlovetostartanewtraditionwithsomeonethatIkeepup.MybestfriendandIusedtowritedownthebestthingthathappenedtousthatyearonNewYear’sEve,andweputitinajar.”
“That’sareallysweettradition.Youdon’tdoitanymore?”
“Westoppedduringmyfreshmanyearofcollege.Mymomover—Shedied,”hesaidquickly.“AndIguesscollegegottoustoo.Wefelttoooldtocontinuedoingit.ButI’dlovetohaveanewtraditiontokeepup.”
“Well,itsoundslikeyouwill.Andwehaveagreatlistoffunthingstotrynow!”
“Youshouldwritesomenewideasdowntoo.It’sonlyfair.”
“Okay,”sheagreed.
Asshefinishedwriting,Akash’svoicespokeinherhead.It’skindofnicetothinkaboutcominghometosomeoneandknowingthey’reyourstosharealifewith.AfterthisdinnerwithNashwhereshehadlaughedandalittlesparklehadshownitselfinherlife,apullatherheartmadeherwriteonemorethingdownonunexpectedimpulse.Shealsodidn’twantNashtoknowthisone.
Fallinlove.
“Didyourememberonemorething?”Nashasked,eyeingherwithcuriosity.
“Womanofmystery,remember?”Hereyestwinkled.
“I’mtextingyounow.Ifwe’refree,wego.Deal?”Nashasked.
“Deal.”Shegrinned.
“Allright,givemeyournumber,andlet’sdothis.”
Itwasforeignrecitinghernumbertoanattractiveguyoutsideofworkoracquaintancesofherfriends—butperhapsitwastimetoshakelifeupandmakesomefriendsoutsideoftheCMC.ChapterSeven
NASH
AfterfouryearsatdifferentuniversitiesandanadditionaleightyearsapartwhileBrandonmovedtoManhattanandNashcompletedhispostcollegeeducation,itwasanoveltytobeabletopickupthephoneandtelltheotherpersontodropeverythingandmeethimfordinner.
ThatwashowNashendedupsittingat5NapkinBurgeronEastFourteenthStreetacrossfromhisbestbuddyonaSaturdayevening,aweekafterhe’daskedKirantojoinhimfordinner.
“Whatthehellwasthepointinyoumovingtothecityifweweren’tactuallygoingtohangoutallthetime,dumbass?”Brandonasked,hismouthfullofburger.“Ihaven’tseenyouinthreeweeks.”
“Sayit,don’tsprayit,dude.”Nashmadeadisgustedexpression.
“Youworkatahospital.It’snotlikeyouhaven’tseenworse.”
“Fairpoint.”
“How’sworkbeen?Anycoolcases?”
“Theusual…Drug-addictedparents.Childrenwithdepression.Adolescentswitheatingdisorders.”
“Soundsdepressing,”Brandonsaid,bluntasever.
“Idon’tknow…Idon’treallythinkitis.Imean,it’ssad,forsure,butsometimesyouendupbeingthisbeaconoflightduringprettydarktimesforthesekids.It’srewardinginitsownway.Youhavetobeabletoleaveitatthedoorandcomehomeandbenormal.”
“Ihavenoideahowyoudothat,man.That’swhyIworkwithmoney.It’shighstressbutit’snotlikeseeingpeoplebecometheirworstenemyorbeingthedifferencebetweenahappylifeandasadone.”
“Youlearnto,Iguess.Theytrainyouwellbeforeyoudivein.”
“Givenyourhistory,sometimesIcan’tgetoveryoudoingwhatyoudo.”
Nashpickedupacoupleoffries.“Iguessthat’swhyIcandowhatIdo.”
“Mymomanddadsayhi,bytheway.Momsaysshemissesyou.”
“TellthemImissthemtoo.How’syourdadbeenafterthekneesurgery?”
“Walkswithalimpandtalkslikehe’sUsainBolt…so,youknow,theusual.”
Nashchuckled.Brandon’ssenseofhumorwasinheritedfromhisdad,apediatricianinNashvillewhogotbyinlifeonlaughterandaprayer.
“Youbeenseeinganyonelately?”
“ThisgirlnamedTasha.She’sbeautiful.”
NashgaveBrandonaquizzicalgaze.“Beautiful?”
“What?”Brandonasked.“Ican’tcallagirlbeautiful?”
“Ofcourseyoucan.Youusuallygowithamoremature‘sexyashell,’”Nashsaid.
“Nah.I’mlookingfortherealdealnow.Shemightbeit.”
“Really?”
“Youlooksosurprised.I’dbeoffendedifIhadanyshame.”
Nashcouldn’thelpbutlaugh.“I’mhappyforyou.It’sasurprisecomingfromtheguyIgrewupwith.Imean…I’veknownyousinceweweresixyearsold.I’veseenyouinyourheadgear.”
“Wepromisedweweren’tgoingtotalkaboutthateveragain.”
“It’snicetoseeyousettledownabit,that’sall.”Nashsippedhissoda
“Whenareyougoingto?Youcan’tbemarriedtoyourjobforever,youknow.”
“Ineedtogetsettled.Payoffmyloans.Therearealotofshiftingparts.”
“Therearealwaysmovingparts.I’llbehonestwithyou…Iloveyou.You’remybestfriend.Butyougottafocusonyouforawhile.Youcan’tuseschoolorworkorKateorwhateverelseasanexcusefortherestofyourlife.Thismightbethetimetofocusonyouandyourlife.”
“Iactuallywenttodinnerwithagirllastweek.”
“Ithinkhelljustfrozeover.Youhadadate?”
“Itwasn’tadate.Itwasafriendlydinner.Shelivesinmybuilding.”
“Well,itobviouslystayedonyourmindifyou’rementioningitnow.”
Nashdidn’tsayanything.Thoughhewasn’tgoingtogivehisbestfriendthebenefitofknowinghewasright,hehadbeenthinkingaboutKiranalittle.Nothinghuge…apassingthoughtwhenhesawalittleboyeatingmacaroniandcheeseandwalkingbyanIndianrestaurantinMidtownbeforewonderingwhatpaneertastedlike.
“Youknowhowpeoplecompletelyfascinateyousometimes?Like…there’ssomethingaboutthemthatmakesyouwanttoknowmorebecausethey’velivedinawayyouhaven’t.”
“Yeah,sure.Theirexperienceshavebeensodifferentthanyoursthatwhentheytalkaboutcertainthings,youfeellikeyou’relivingthroughthem.”
“Exactly.That’showshefelt.”
“Well,friendsorotherwise,that’sneverabadthing.Shemightopenyoureyestothingsyouneverknew.”
“That’swhatI’mhoping.”
“Areyouhopingformorethanthat?Doesshehavepotential?”
Nashshookhishead.“I’mnoteventhinkingaboutthat.”
“Whynot?”
“FromwhatI’vereadandallthestoriesyou’vetoldme,relationshipsinNewYorklastahotminutebecausepeoplecanfindsomeoneelseinasnap.Iamnotlookingtobeleft.”
Brandonpaused.“Noteveryoneleaves,Nash.”
“Yeah…yeah.Iknow.”
“It’llbegoodforyoutobreakoutofthepsychwardandhangoutwithpeoplewhoareoutsideofyourworkbubbleanyway.”
“That’sthewholereasonImovedhere,right?IwasreadyforsomethingIwasn’tusedto.”
“Onthesubjectofpeopleyouareusedto…HaveyouspokentoKatelately?How’sshedoing?”
NashthoughtofhisauntinNashvilleandrealizedhehadn’tspokentoherinafewweeks.“Ihavetogiveheracalltonight.Ihaven’ttalkedtoherinawhile.”
“Sheandmymomaresoclose,you’dthinkIwashernephewnow.”Brandonrolledhiseyes.
“I’dstillbeherfavoriteone,”Nashsaid.
“You’reeveryone’sfavorite,”Brandongrumbled.“I’mprettysuremyparentswouldhaveadoptedyouiftheycould.”
“Don’tsoundsobitter.”
“Please,iftheyadoptedyou,Iwouldhavehadmoretimetogoofoffwhileyouweretheperfectson.I’mnotbitter.I’mmaditdidn’thappen!”
“Moretimetogoofoff?Youbroughtacowtoschoolandlethimlooseonthetrack.”
Brandonchuckled.“Oneofmybestmoments,tobehonest.”
“Itwasprettygood,”Nashagreed.“Now…tellmeaboutTasha.Youcan’tdropabomblike‘Ithinkshe’stheone’andthenchangethesubject.”
“IwenttoanetworkingdinnerforTennesseealums,andshewasthere,lightinguptheroom.She’sahumanresourcesspecialistatanonprofit,runningtheshowbehindthescenes.Lovesfootball.Candrinklikeahorse.Goeshikingandrockclimbingontheweekends.”
“Sothewholepackage?”Nashsaid.“Whatdoyourparentsthink?”
“Theyhaven’tmetheryet,butyouknowthem.Momwillloveanyonewho’swillingtoputupwithmeforever,andDad’sgoingtomakefunofmeuntilIwanttocrawlunderatableandthentellmehelikesherwhenshemakesfunofmetoo.”
“Thatsoundsaccurate.”
“Inallseriousness,shealreadymakesmebetter.Shecallsmeonmybullshit.Shedoesn’tloseherpatiencewithmewhenI’mirritatingher.”Brandongrewserious.“IwashavingfununtilImether,andnowIcanseeafuturethatincludessomeoneelse.”
“Ican’twaittomeether,man.Youlookreallyhappy.Whydidn’tyoumentionherbefore?Howlonghaveyouguysbeendating?”
“Exactlythreeweeks.Wemetthenightyoumovedin,andyouwouldhavemetherhadyounotbeenMIAsinceyoumovedintoyourplace.”
Nashnearlychokedonhisdrink.“Threeweeks?”
“Whenyouknow,youknow.Youjustmentionedsomeonestuckwithyouafteronedinner.”
Nashcouldn’targuethere.“Well,I’mhappyforyou.Forreal.”
Brandonhadareputationforhavingthebiggestheartandthemostenormouspenchantfortrouble.Histeachersreprimandedhim,thenlethimoffthehookfromanyseriousdisciplinaryactionbecausehe’dbethebiggestfundraiserforallschoolcharitydrives.Hehadbeentheonetoraisemoneyforaclassmatewhowasinacaraccident,andhe’dorganizedadateauctionwhenafamilyfromhischurchhadtheirhomeburndown,servingasthepiècederésistancewhenhesteppedoutontotheauctionrunwayinhisboxersandwithasix-packpaintedon.
Nashcouldn’tthinkofabetterpersoninlifewhodeservedgoodthings.
Afterthey’dsquareduptheirbillandwanderedoutside,BrandongaveNashabighug.“Don’tbeastranger,”hesaid.
“Don’tgetintoomuchtrouble,”Nashreplied,pattinghisfriend’sback.
“Seeyousoon,buddy.”
Nashsetoffontheelevenblocksbacktohisapartment.
Brandonwasn’twrong—Kiranhadstuckwithhim.
Hewonderedaboutherlisttoo,whatshewroteonthebottomofitbeforestowingitawayagain.Apangofdesireboltedthroughhischesttobeallowedintoherthoughtprocess,tobeallowedintoaplaceshedidn’tseemtosharewithmany.Awomanofmystery,herecalledwithasmile.
Everyonehadtheirsecrets.Shewasentitledtokeepherdeepestwantstoherself.Afterall,hecouldrelate.He’dbeensurroundedbyfriendsbutlargelyaloneformostofhislife.
Whatwouldbethesecretthinghe’daddtothebottomofhislist?Theonehewantedmorethananythingbutcouldn’tadmittoanyoneoutloud?
ThelookthatsweptacrossBrandon’sfacewhenhetalkedaboutTasha—thegoofygrin,theeyesfilledwithhappiness,andthesmilethatNashhadonlyseenonhisbestfriend’sfaceafterhehitahomerun.Maybehewantedthattoo.
Maybefallinginlovewasthethinghewantedmost,evenifhewasterrifiedofwhatitmightcosthim.
Whilehewaswalking,hedecidedtogiveAuntKateacall.
“Kate!Howareyou?”heexclaimedasheheardhersoftgreetingovertheline.
“Howareyou,sweetie?Imissyou!”Kate’sexcitementfloodedthroughthespeaker.
“Imissyoutoo,andI’mdoingwell.I’mgettinghomeafterdinner.”
“Didyouhaveadate?”Katepracticallysquealed.
“JustBrandon.He’snotexactlymytype.”Nashsmiledathisaunt’sexcitement.“Whatareyouupto?How’sStephen?”
“We’redoingwell…rebuildingtheporchrightnow.Stephen’salreadyhammeredhisthumbtwiceandbrokenthescrewdriver.”
“Soit’sgoingwell,then?”Nashlaughed.
“Godhelpus…”
Nashcouldpicturehersittingonthecouch,cross-legged,asshetalkedtohimonthephone.Herhomewasthecoziestplacehe’deverbeen,fullofplush,floweredcouchesinatinylivingroomfilledwithplants.ThefireplacewasafixturefromOctobertoAprilbecauseKatecouldn’tstandthecold.Andinthesummer,she’dopenupasmallabove-groundpoolthatsheneverswaminbutalwaysdangledherlegsinwhilereadingabook.
She’dmarriedlaterinlife,whenNashwasinmiddleschool—aquietmannamedStephenwhoprobablycouldn’tgetawordinedgewisebecauseKateneverstoppedtalking.
Katewashismother’ssisterandtheonlyconnectiontofamilyhehadleft.
“How’sthenewjobbeenforyou?”Kateasked.
“It’sbeengood.I’vebeenconnectingwithafewofthepatientslately.”Hethoughtofoneofhispatients,alittleboywhosemotherhadbeenarrestedfordruguse,andhowhe’dactuallygivenhimahugtheotherdayonhiswayoutoftheclinic.
“Areyoutakingcareofyourself?”
“Iam.”
“Imeanmentally.Youdealwithheavythings,Nash.SometimesIdon’tknowhowyoudoit.”
“That’seasy.Ithinkaboutwhoyouweretomeandtrytobelikeyou.”
Shesniffedontheotherendoftheline.“Thankyou,Nashy.”
“Youaretheonlypersonwhocanmakethatnicknameremotelyappealing.”
“Imakeeverythingappealing!”sheargued.
“Haveyoutastedyourbaking?”Nashcringed,filledwithmemoriesofsaltycookiesandexplodingchocolateBundtcakes.
“Hey!Youmakeitsoundliketheywereaten-alarmfire…Itwasonlythesmokedetectorsandacoupleoffailedexperiments.”
“Yeah,well,theyareburnedintomymemory…”
“Whatever,smarty-pants.Imissyou.Takecare,okay?Andcomehomesoon.”
Nashfeltasurgeoffondnessforhisaunt.HeknewshemissedtheweeklycoffeedatestheyhadwhilehewasatVanderbiltandvowedtotrytomakeithometoseehersoon.
“Loveyou.”
“Loveyoutoo,Nashy.”
Hehungupandstowedhisphoneinhispocket,passingbyafurniturestorethathadbrightlycoloredcurtainshanginginthewindowandacomfy-lookingbluecouchinthedisplay.
Onceagain,Kiranpoppedintohismind,andhewonderedwhatshewasupto.ChapterEight
KIRAN
UnbeknownsttoNash,Kiranwashavingareunionofherownwithherfriends…butitwasn’tgoingquiteaspleasantlyastheonehe’djustexperienced.
“Stopmoving!”
“Ican’thelpit!You’retakingahundredyears.”
“Ineedthesemeasurementstobecorrect.”
“It’snotheartsurgery,andI’mhungry.”
KiranandAkashglancedateachother,half-amusedandhalf-exasperatedattheunendingargumentcurrentlytakingplacebetweenSonamandPayal.TheywerebothlyingacrossPayal’scouchesatherapartment,waitingforPayaltosnagSonam’sproportionsforherlatestclothingproject.
“Okay,Ihatetointerruptthislovefest,butareweorderingthesepizzastonight,oramIgoingtogototheplacedownthestreetbymyself?”Akashfinallyasked.
“Pizza…”Sonamgroaned.
Payalglaredatherbeforedanglingthemeasuringtapearoundherneckandturningtothem.
“See,thisiswhyIneedtohaverealmodelswholetmegetthemeasurementsIneedwithoutwhiningabouthowhungrytheyare.”
“Tobefair,mostmodelsareprobablyhungrierthanweare…”Sonammutteredunderherbreath.
“Oh,stopbloodycomplaining,”Payalsnapped,herclippedBritishaccentsharpeningherwordslikeblades.
“Okay,timeout,”Kirancommanded.“Payal,youcangetyournumberswhenSonamhaseaten.Sonam,don’tbemean.Akash,orderthepizza.I’llcueupthemovie.”
Itwaslikehandlingamillionpreschoolersratherthanthreeadults.Thefourofthemwerebestfriends,butthesiblingbickeringneverstopped.Tonight,Kiranwasthemamabearwatchingoverherthreeunrulycubs.
TocelebratehersuccessgivingapresentationatworkonthereorganizationofneuralcircuitsandthenervestimulationdeviceherteamwasworkingonandtosootheSonamaftershe’dhadaparticularlytryingweekatthehospital,theCMChaddecidedtohaveamovienightwiththeirfavoriteHindimovieswhiledrowningtheirrespectivevictoriesandsorrowsinpizza.
Ofcourse,thesecondtheyallgottoPayal’splace,thelargestofalloftheirapartments,shewantedtofinishupsomesamplesizesonhersideproject—aclothingdesignbusinessshehopedtogetoffthegroundinthenextfewyears.Inthemeantime,Sonamsnappedateveryonelikeshewasacrocodileandtheywerefish,andAkashhadcomplainedofaheadachefromatoughworkday,rummaginginPayal’scabinetsforTylenolthemomentheentered.
“We’rewatchingLagaan,”Kirantoldthem.Itwashercelebration,soshegottochoose.AmovieaboutasmallvillageuprisingresultinginacricketmatchbetweentheBritishcolonistsanduntrainedIndianswasexactlythekindofstoryshewasinthemoodfor.
“Dowehaveto?”Sonamwhined.“Can’twewatchsomethingmorerecentlikePadmaavat?”
“No,”chorusedPayal,Akash,andKiran,inprotestoftheviolentperioddramaaboutaRajputprincesswho,alongwiththewomenandchildreninhercity,self-immolatedtopreventtherapeandpillagingoftheirpeopleafterawartimelossagainsttheinvadingIslamicdynasties.
Sonamhuffedandleanedagainstthecushions.
“Okay…”KirantookadeepbreathandturnedtoSonam.“Beforewewatchthis,youaregoingtotelluswhat’smakingyouupsetandunloadwhateverisburdeningyou.Oncewehelpyou,wearegoingtocheerfullywatchthismovie,andyouaregoingtochillout.Deal?”
PayalandAkashexchangedgratefulglancesthatsomeonehadaddressedthecrankiness.
“Igotintroubleatworktoday,”Sonammumbled.
“About?”
“ThisIndianwomancameintothehospitaltoday.Shefelldownthestairs.Herbruiseswereconsistentwithafall.Theattendingstillsuspectedabuse,andhewentthroughalltheprotocolforreportingdomesticbattery.”
“I’msorry,butwhat’swrongwiththat?Maybeshefell,orhewantedtobethoroughtocoverhisass,”Payaloffered.
“Shedidn’tspeakEnglish,Payal.IthinkshespokeBengali.FromthesmallamountIcouldunderstand,herhusbandwasacabdriverwhobroughtherin,andhewasreallyconcerned.HeexplainedinHindithatshe’dtrippedovertheendofhersariattheirapartmentbuildingandfallendowntheflightofstairs.Hetriedtocatchher,buthewentdownwithher…andhehadthebruisestoshowforittoo,buthedidn’twantmedicalhelpbecausehesaiditdidn’thurtmuchandhewasworriedabouther.”
Oncethefloodgatesopened,Sonambegantospeakfaster,hervoiceincreasinginvolumeandferocity.
“Itriedtotelltheattendingthestory,buthefilledouttheprotocolanyway.Youknowwhy?‘Becauseabusehappensofteninthatpartoftheworld.’That’sit.Becauseabusehappensinbrowncountries,obviouslyawomanactuallyfallingdownthestairscan’tbebelieved.”
Thethreeothersmadegruntsofangerbutallowedhertocontinue.
“Anyway,Itoldhimthatheshouldbelievewhatthepatientsays,andhetoldmeIwastooinexperiencedtocatchthiskindofthing…andItoldhimIspokeHindiandunderstoodtheculture.AndtheentireargumentescalateduntilItoldhimhiswhitesaviorracistassdidn’tneedtopushhispreconceivednotionsonanobviouslyterrifiedandinjuredwife.”
Akashgroaned.“Sonam,youdidn’t.”
“Whynot?”Sonam’seyesfilledwithangrytears.“It’snotfairthatsomeoneelsegetstotellwomenwhatthey’veexperiencedandnotlistenwhenwetalkaboutwhatwe’vereallygonethrough.It’snotfairthatthispoorlady,whowasachingandinpainandwantedherlovinghusbandtobetherewithher,gotseparatedfromhimandaskedaboutwhetherhedidthistoher.Nooneevenunderstoodherproperlyanyway.Whoknowsifthetranslatordidagoodjob?”
“Sonam—”
Kiran’swarningglarestoppedAkashfromtellingSonamsheshouldhavebeenprofessional.
“You’reright,”Payalsaidsoftly.“Itisunfair.Especiallywhenwe’veallmetwomenwhohavebeenabused.Hervoicewasn’theardortakenintoaccountbeforepeoplemadearashassumptionbasedonthecolorofherskin,herculture,andhersituation.”
“WhatifI’mnotcutouttobeadoctor?MaybeIshouldhavegonetolawschoollikemydadtoldmeto,orworkedwithanonprofitwhereIgettomakeadifference.Ifailedhertoday.AndIgotwrittenupforcallingsomeoneout.”Sonam’sshouldershunchedlikeshewastryingtotakeupaslittlespaceaspossible.
“Whoa.”Kiranspokenow.“Youdidn’tfailanyone.Youaremeanttobeadoctor.Youlosttoday’sfight,butthefactthatyoufoughtatallispreciselywhymedicineneedsyou.”
Sonamwipedhernosewithhersleeveandsniffled.
“I’msorryItookyourmeasurements,”Payalsaidsuddenly,andthethreeotherslookedather.
“Really?Rightnow,youhadtosaythat?”Akashasked.
“Iwantedhertostopfeelingsad!”
Sonamlaughedthroughhertears.“I’msorryIwasabitch.”
“You’realwaysabitch.It’sokay,”Payalsaid.
“Ishouldhavekeptfightingforher.”
“Youbelievedher,andyoudidfightforher,”Akashsaidfirmly.“Youdidtherightthing.Shewasheard.Andwhenyougetachancetospeaktoyoursupervisors,you’llmakesuretheyknowtheirattendingisanincompetentass.”
Sonamnodded.
NashflashedthroughKiran’smindthen,talkingabouthowhewantedtoprovidechildrenasafehavenwhentheywereexperiencingdifficulttimes,anditremindedherofSonam’squesttogivewomenjustice.
ShegazedatSonamnow,andexhaustionwasoverflowingalongwithhertears.Kiranhadheardaboutresidencybeingamarathontestofenduranceandthatresidentshadahighrateofsuicidesbecauseofthepressure,thetiredness,andtheskillrequiredtosaveliveswithnosleepormentalrest.SheknewthatSonamwouldbeanexcellentdoctorandthatthiswasabumpintheroad,butshealsosympathizedthatitmustfeellikeamountaintoherfriend.
“Youknow,Sonam,Iwenttodinnerwithapsychologisttheotherday,andhemaybeabletohelpyouoratleastreassureyouasyougothroughthesenextcoupleofyears.Icanconnectyouifyouwant.”
Sonamopenedhermouthtospeak,butPayalbeathertoit.
“Adoctor?He?Who?”
“Calmdown,GossipGirl.It’smyneighbor.HisnameisNash.Wehadaharmlessdinnertheothernight,andhe’sfuntohangoutwith.”
“Butyouneverhangoutwithguys!”Payalexclaimed.
“Apparently,everyonehasforgottenIhaveapenis,”Akashmusedoutloud.
“Wechoosetoignoreit,”SonamrepliedtohimbeforeturningbacktoKiran.“Connectmetohim,please—”
“Wait,isthisthesameguyyoutextedusabout?”Payalinterrupted.
Kirangroanedinwardlyathergaffe.Twomentionswouldpromptplentyofcuriosity.
“Yes.Wewenttodinner,asIsaid—”
“Areyouguysdating?”
“Willyouletherfinishasentence?”Akashexclaimed.
“No,”Kirananswered.“Onfinishingasentenceandondating.”
“Wouldyou?”
“Whatdoesthathavetodowithanything?”
Butthatwaspreciselythewrongquestiontoask.Kiranhadtriedtodrivehomethatitwasastretchtoassociatedatingandafriendlydinner,butherfriendspouncedlikeananimalontheirpreyastheyerroneouslyassumedherquestionwas,infact,adenialofaloveaffair.
“Youwould!”Payalgasped.
“I—”
“Getout!You’redatingawhiteguy!”Sonamexclaimed,herownwoesforgotten.
“Okay,stop!”Kiran’sloudvoicesilencedthemall.“Ican’tdatehim.He’sAmerican.Youguysknowwhathappenedwithmysister.Iwouldn’tdothattomyparents.”
“Doyouwanttohangoutwithhimagain?”Payalasked.
“Ofcourse.He’sreallysweet.”
“Andifthisgoesfurtherthanbeingfriends…whatareyougoingtodo?”
Kirangroaned.“Couldwefocusonthemovienow,please?I’mnotthinkingaboutthefuture.”
“That’safirst,”Akashchimedin.
“Enough.”ThesharpnessinKiran’svoicefinallyquietedtheirpersistentquestioning.
“Wait,wait,wait.First,didyouguysbringyournewlists?”Payalasked.
Surprisingly,theyallnodded.
“Ifeellikewe’reallbackatDukeandwejustgotaskedifwecompletedourhomework,”Akashsaid.
“Well,whenPayalassignsit…”Sonamshrugged.
Payallookedatthemwithfondpride.“Let’shearit.”
Sonamspokefirst,theHermioneGrangeroftheirgroup.“I’dliketosurviveresidency.Openanonprofit.Writeabook.GotoEurope.Andfallinlove.”
“Goodlist,”Akashsaidapprovingly.“Iwanttoserveontheboardofanorganization.GotooneofthenationalparksintheWest—myparentstookmysisterswhenwewereatDuke,butIcouldn’tgo.I’dliketokayaksomewherewithclearwater.Andfindagirlcrazyenoughtowanttobewithme.”
Payallaughed.“Goodluck.”
“Shutup.”
“Kiran?Didyouaddanythingnewtoyourlist?”Payalwaited,hereyesfilledwithanticipation.
Shegaveasoftsmile,thinkingofNashandtheirdinnerfullofchatter,andreadoffherlist:thearcade,horsebackriding,foodfestivals,theBronxZoo,anightunderthestars,momentsofbreathtakingbeauty…andthensheadded,“Iwanttofallinlove,”beforeanticipatingPayalwouldmentionNashandquicklyqualifying,“withtherightperson.”
“Youwill,Kiran,Iknowit.YouknowI’mgoingtostartmyfashionlineatsomepoint.I’dlovetoactuallyhearmyparentstellmetheyloveme.I’dlovetohavemind-blowingsexfortherestofmylife.I’dliketogoonavacationwithsomeoneIlove—besidesyouguysormycousins.IguessthatmeansIhavetofallinlovetoo.I’dalsoliketogotoDisneyWorld.Istillhaven’tbeen.”
Payalalwaysworeherheartonhersleeve,andevenherlistshowedit.
KirannoticedthefrownAkashwaswearing.
“So,‘fallinlove’wasonallofourlists.Andnoneofushavefalleninloveyet.”Helookedpuzzled.
“We’vefalleninlove.Itjustwasn’tforever,”Payalsaid.
“Fairpoint.Maybethere’ssomethingwrongwithus,”hesaid.
“Oh,stop.Thatpatriarchalnonsenseissoridiculous,”Sonamsaid.“There’snothingwrongwithanyoneforfindingtheirpartnersaftertwenty-five,whetherthey’remale,female,ornon-binary.Thistimelinethingisillogical.”
“I’mkidding.Butgiventhatwe’redoingallrightinourlives,it’sinterestingthatnoneofushavefoundwhatwe’relookingforinapartner.”
Kirangaveasmallsigh.“Forallthebluster,we’veneverdonetheonethingthatactuallyinvolvesrisk.”
Theroomfellsilent,Kiran’swordssinkingin.
“Ithappenswhenithappens,”Payalsaidfirmly.“Wecanjokeaboutthepressure—anddon’tgetmewrong,it’sreal—butwe’renotallgoingtofindpartnersatthesametime.Someofusmaynotatall.MaybeIwasrightinthefirstplacethatlovedoesn’tevenexist.Whothehellknows?Butwe’lltaketheriskwhenwefinditworthwhile…andit’sokayifwehaven’tordon’t.”
Thepizzaarrivedthen,andKiranstartedthemovie.ThelegendaryAmitabhBachchan’sdeep,signaturevoicebegantonarratetheprologuetothestory,andKiran’smindwandered.
Shewasanengineerandalwaysthoughtthroughtheprocessofherdecisionsthesamewaysheapproachedherwork.Analytical.Methodical.Meticulous.
Butrightnow,herbrainwasfrenetic.
Andshedidn’tlikeitonebit.
Conversationsaboutlistsandrisksandloveswirledthroughhermind.
ThetruthwasthatshethoughtaboutNashandfeltdrawntohim.Theinstantfamiliaritytheydisplayed—“insta-besties,”Payalwouldhavecalleditsinceshehadsomuchexperiencewiththeconcept—wasrareforKiran,anditopenedawindowinherheartthathadn’tbeentherebefore.
Thentherewastheelectricitythatsizzledineveryinchofherbodywhenhelookedatherafterviewingtheartonthewall.
Butthatcouldbeanything,couldn’tit?Itwassofleeting.Wasitevenworththinkingabout?
Friendshipshadalwaysservedasanenergizerforher,aburstofspirittoaworn-outsoul.Andquitefrankly,shehadbeguntofeelasthougheverydaywasfollowingthesamepattern,alittlegrayinaphaseoflifethatshe’dhopedwouldbefullofcolor.Nashwasasuddenfireworkonaslow,hotnightinNewYorkCity,abreakinthemonotony.
AsshewatchedthemovieandconcentratedonGaurigettingherpalmreadbythevillagelunatic,shewonderedifshe,likethefictionalcharacterinfrontofher,wassettingherhopesonaromance…onethatwouldn’tfitthepreplannedscriptofherlife.
Herlifewasn’taBollywoodmoviefullofloftydreamsanddancenumbersaroundtrees.Shecouldn’t—wouldn’t—entertainthethoughtofNashassomethingmorethanafriend.Nomatterwhat,herfamily’spastwouldalwaysbeherobstacleandareminderofwhyshecouldneverstepoverthelineshe’ddrawn.ChapterNine
NASH
“I’veneverhadahomethatIcanfeelsafein,”theboysaid,hiseyesfallingtothehandstightlyclaspedinhislap.
HereitwasTherootofhisbehavior.
“Thatmusthavebeenhard,Trent.Doyoufeellonelysometimes?”Nashaskedgently.
Trentshrugged.Butunderneaththepretending,thedenialthathewaslonely,Nashknewhispatientfeltutterlyisolatedinaworldthathadonlyhandedhimhardships.Andhisheartwentouttotheten-year-oldwhoseteachershadgivenuponhimbecauseofhisdefensivebehavior.
Hewasthechildofanabsenteedadandamotherinandoutoftreatmentfordrugproblems.She’drecentlybeenarrestedforthepossessionoftwogramsofcocaineandwasspendingsixmonthsinjail.She’dbereturningtohimaftersixmonthsinahalfwayhouse.
Trenthadbeenbouncedaroundfromfosterhometofosterhome,awardofasystemdesignedtodefeatthosewhomitneededtolift.
“SometimesIjustwishmymomwasback,”Trentwhispered.
“Wasitbetterwhenshewasaround?”
“AtleastIhadamom…Sometimesshewasn’tthereorshewashigh,butshewasmine.”
Nashfeltwhattheboywassayingineverycellofhisbody—thelongingforsomethingofhisown,andmissingamotherwhoneverquiteactedlikeonebutwashisallthesame.
“Doyoufeellikeyoudon’thaveanythingthatisyours?”
“AllIhaveismyself.Mymom’sinjailnow.Idon’thaveahomeorafamily.”
“Youhavepeoplewhocareaboutyou.”
“Theyallaskifmyfosterhomeistreatingmeright.Noonereallycares.”
“WhatifItoldyouIdid?”
Trentgazedathimappraisingly.Hishandstightened.“Idon’tbelieveyou.”
“Well,Ihopethatchangessoon,”Nashsaideasily.“BecauseIdo.Sowhat’syourfavoritesport?”
“Why?”
“I’mwondering.It’sokayifyoudon’thaveone.”
“Ihaveone,”Trentsaidquickly.
Nashraisedhiseyebrows.
“Ilikebasketball.”
“Well…luckyforyou,Idotoo.”NashmovedTrent’spatientfilefromhislaptothetableinfrontofhim.
Inthecoatclosetinhisoffice,Nashhadashelffullofgames.Somewerepuzzles.Otherswerebrain-teasingtriviacardsthatsimultaneouslyfrustratedandencouragedchildrentousetheirminds.Stillmore,hehadsometabletopbasketballandfoosball,inminiaturesotheyweremadeforsmallerhands.
TrentwatchedNashcloselyasheputthetabletopbasketballgamedown—twotinymetalhoopsattachedtobothsidesofaminiaturebackboard,withsmallcatapultsateitherendofthebaseboard,meantforaimingandshootingsmallorangebeanbags.
“Wanttoplay?”Nashoffered.
ThebriefsparkinTrent’seyeswasunmistakable,buthismouthremainedinathinline.Hepulledtheboardcloseandcarefullypositioneditinfrontofhimself,kneelingonthefloorinfrontofthecoffeetablesohecouldbeateyelevelwiththehoop.
“Gameuntilten,”Trentsaid.
“Okay,”Nashagreed.“Ready,go!”
Trentwasfarmoreadeptatgettingthehangofthecatapult.Nashoftenpushedtoohard,havingtoscrambleacrossthetabletocaptureerrantbeanbags,whileTrentcontinuedtoshootandscore.
“Yes!Ten!”Trentexclaimedtriumphantly.
“Man,you’regood.”Nashlaughed.“Honestly,Icannevergetthehangofthisthing.”
“Youdidn’tletmewin,didyou?”
“No…Igenuinelystink,Trent.”
Trentcrackedasmile.“Mymom’soldboyfriendtaughtmetoplaybasketball.Hewasreallygood.”
“Icantell.Evenattabletopbasketball,you’retalented.”
“Heusedtotakemetotheparkallthetime.ButIhaven’tseenhimsincemymomgotarrested.”
“Thatmusthavebeenhard.Itsoundslikeyouhadalotoffun.”
“Igottofeelgoodatsomething.”
“You’restillgoodatit,”Nashsaidgently.
“Myfriendsthinkso.”
“Doyouhaveabestfriend?”
“Yeah.SometimesIthinkhe’stheonlypersonIhave.ButI’mjealoustoo.”
“Why’sthat?”
“Hehasparentswholovehim.Hisdadtakeshimouttoplayfootball.Hehasabrother.”
ApangofkinshipstruckNashinthechest.GazingatTrent’swishfuleyes,hecouldseehimselfinthem—aboywithoutparents,wholovedhisbestfriendforprovidingthehomehedidn’thaveandenviedhimfortheverysamethings
“I’msurehewisheshehadsomeofyourtalentstoo,Trent.You’redoinggreat.”
Trentnodded.
ThealarmonNash’sphonerang,signalingtheendoftheirsession,thesoftbellsringingthetuneto“Hedwig’sTheme”fromHarryPotter.
“What’sthatsong?”Trentaskedasthealarmchimed.
“It’sthethemesongfromHarryPotter.It’salwaysbeenmyfavoritebookseries.”
“I’veneverreadit.”
“Doyouwantto?”
“Iguess…It’snotlikeIhaveanythingelsetodo.”Trent’seyesflickedatthebookshelf,scanningitupanddowninaflash.
Nashstrodetohisbookshelf,pullingoutthebluebook.“Well,here’sthefirstone.Whydon’tyouborrowit?Ionlyaskthatyoupleasebringitbackingoodcondition…LikeIsaid,they’remyfavorites.”
“Thanks,Dr.Hawthorne.”
TrenttookthebookfromNashdelicately,openingthecoverslowlyandrunninghishandsoverthepage.
Nashwonderedifhe’deverownedabookofhisown.
AsTrentsteppedoutofNash’sofficeandhisfostermotherstoodinthehallwaytotakehimhome,Nashgaveasmileandawave.Hewatchedthemwalktentatively,afewfeetapart,asthoughshedidn’tknowwhattodowithhimandhedidn’tcaretoallowherintohisspaceor,asNashknew,intohisheart.
Butbeforetheyexitedthepractice,shepattedTrent’sshoulder—abriefbutpoignantactionthatleftNashwithasliverofhopethatperhapsthisboywouldfindcomfortandcareinaworldthathadn’tgivenhimmuchofthosethings.
Nashstoodatthedoortohisofficeforafewminutes,reflectingonthesession,untiltheadministrativeassistant,Bryony,brokehisreverie.
“Areyouokay,Dr.Hawthorne?”
Nashsnappedtoattention.“Yes,I’mthinkingaboutmyclient.Sometimesyouwonderifwhatyouseewillchangedowntheroad.”
Bryonysmiledfromherdesk.“Isurehopeso.Isn’tthatwhyyoudowhatyoudo?”
Nashreturnedhergrinandnoddedbeforeenteringhisofficeagainandtakingaseatathisdesk.
Isn’tthatwhyyoudowhatyoudo?
SkimmingagainthroughTrent’sfile,athickfolderfilledtothebrimwithstoriesofnotcompletinghomework,talkingbacktoteachers,socialisolation(withtheexceptionofhissinglebestfriend),andatroubledhomelife,Nashthoughtabouttheboywiththebiggreeneyeswhohadsatonthecouchandwhohadappearedsmallerthaneverassocialworkershoveredaroundhimonhisfirstdayintheoffice.
Thesedon’tsumupthekidatall.EvenintheshortmonththatNashhadbeeninNewYork,hecouldspotthehumansideofTrent,likethewayhiseyeswidenedwithhopeorthewayhepursedhislipstofightasmile.
Isn’tthatwhyyoudowhatyoudo?
Bryonywasright.WhetheritwasTrentoranyofhisotherclients,allNashwantedwastobeasourceoflighttoachildwhohadonlyseendarkdaysandapersonwhoonlyhelpedgrowchildrenintothegiantstheyweremeanttobe.ChapterTen
KIRAN
KiranstaredatherphoneandthetextmessageNashhadsentherattheirdinnertoletherknowhisnumber.
Hi.Thatwasallhe’dsent,buteventhosetwolettersmadehersmile.
AllshehadtodonowwassayshewasfreetodayandseeifhewasupforadayatChelseaPierswherehercompanywashavingastaff-widefamilyfunday.
Whydidthatmakehersonervous?
Kiran:Hey.ChelseaPierstoday?Mycompanyreservedthewholeplace,andIthoughtmaybeyou’dwanttocheckitoutShetypedandretypedthatquestioninvariousformsuntilshethoughtshe’dfinallydecidedontheveryfirstversionanyway.ShehitSendbeforeshecouldcontemplateitanyfurtheranddriveherselfcrazy.
Nash:Yes,please.
Shebreathedasighofrelief,asifshe’drunamarathonbuthadtorecoverintwominutes.
Forthethousandthtime,shedidn’tknowwhatitwasaboutNashthatmadehernervous.Sofar,hehadbeenkind,sociable,funny,andasweetfriendtohaveinacirclethathadshrunktoahandfulofacquaintances,somefriendsatwork,andtheCMC.
“Getagrip,Kiran,”shescoldedherself.“Thisisn’tlikeyou.”
Kiran:Let’sgoatnoon.Theyhavefreefood!Also,wearcomfortableclothes.
Hisresponsewasalmostimmediate:Ishouldn’tbesurprisedfoodwasthesellingpointforyou.
Watchyourself,sheresponded.
Promptlyatnoon,Kiranleftherapartmentwithasurgeofenergyforthedayahead.Shedidn’tcarryanythingonherexceptasmallwristletwithherphone,cards,andkeysinside.Herhairwasinaponytail,andherskinnyjeansandplainwhiteteewerepairedwithwhiteKeds.
“Hi!You’reherealready!”sheexclaimedasshedescendedthelastfewsteps,pushingherdiamondstudsintoplaceinherears.
Nashstoodatthebottomofthestaircase,leaningagainstthebanisterandplayingwithhisphone.Hisjeansandsimplewhitepolo,pairedwithwhitesneakers,offsethisskinandbrownedhimincomparisontohisusualcomplexion,andhispale-blueeyeswereskyagainstearthwithhisnewhue.
“Onlyforafewminutes.Iwaslookingatthisplaceonmyphone—goodchoice.Yousaidthecompanyreservedit?Lookatyou,withallthatclout.AreyousecretlytheCEO?”
“Itwasn’tme,yougoof.It’safamilyfundayorsomething,sotheyreserveditforanyonewhowantstogoandspendtimethere.”
“You’retakingmeonafamilyfunday?”Nashraisedaneyebrow.
“Ifyoukeepmakingfunofme,Iwillturnmyassaroundandgobackupstairsandreadabook.”
“Well,thatwouldn’tbenice.”
“Actually,Iwouldn’tstayhere.”Kirangrinned.“I’dtellyoutotakeyourbutthomewhileIgoplaygamesallday.”
Nashchuckled,andtheybegantowalkincomfortablesilenceoutoftheapartmentbuildingtowardthesubway,butKiranhadalast-minutechangeofheart.
“Hey,let’sgraban—Wait,didyourealizewe’rebasicallywearingthesameoutfit?”
NashlookeddownandthenscannedKiranfromheadtotoe.
Sheblushedinresponsetohisgaze,wonderingifhesawcurvesandcrevicesorwhetherhedidn’tnoticethosethingsonheratall.
“Clearly,I’vebeenagoodinfluenceonyourfashionsense,”hesaidfinally.
“Hey!”
“Imean,youwerecutebefore,butnowyou’veelevatedyourgamewiththewhiteteeandjeans.”
“Ihateyou.”
Butsomehow,thewordcutereplayedinhermind.
ShesummonedanUber,miraculouslyalreadyaroundthecorner,andNashopenedthedoorforher,waitinguntilshegotinbeforecirclingthecarandclimbinginontheotherside.
Theywoundthroughthestreetsofthecity,andKiranmarveledatallthethingsshetookforgrantedeveryday.Eachneighborhoodhadavibeofitsown.TheEastVillagewasalittlehipster.TheWestVillagewashistoricandremindedherofprimandproperaristocracy.Shelovedthemeatpackingdistrict,evenwithallitsconstruction,forthebrick-and-mortarindustrialvibesandthequirky,coolstoressheknewshe’dfind.Shelovedthatinsomeneighborhoods,shecouldn’tseethetopsofbuildingsastheyreachedfortheclouds.
“Ithinkpeoplearegoingtorecognizemesomedaybymychinandnotmyface.”Nashbrokethesilenceashegazedoutthewindow.
“What?”
Heturnedtoher.“I’mnotusedtoalwayslookingup.Andthiscityisallvertical.Imean,thebeautyisinthebrownstones,andthesmallstores,andthetinylittleplacesyouneverthoughtyou’dfind…butI’malwaysdrawntotheseskyscrapers,andIfeellikepeoplearegoingtoseemychinmorethanmyfaceifI’malwayscraningmynecktoseewhat’saboveme.”
Kiranlaughed.“Honestly,Istilldothesamething.Everyneighborhoodhasitsownvibe.”
“I’mbeginningtogetthat.”
Theypausedataticketingbooth,andthecabpulleduptothecurbofPier60wheretheysteppedontothepavementandtookalookaround.
Thethreepiers—59,60,and61—extendedoutfromthesideofManhattanintheshapeofabackwardsEintotheHudsonRiver.Inbetweeneachpierwaswaterfrontparkingfortugboatsandyachtstopullupforpeopletotakeashortcruise.Longbuildingssatontwopierswhilethethirdhadadrivingrange.
“Wow,”Nashsaidsoftly.“Thisisanentertainmentdream.”
“Let’sexplore!”
TheypickedupthewristbandsthatwouldgivethemfreeaccesstothefacilitiesfromthefriendlycompanyrepresentativemanningawelcometableandwalkedintothebuildingonPier59.Signsforbowling,rockclimbing,golf,battingcages,gymnastics,andfoodpoppedup,leadingtoahallway,pointingtoapathwaydowntheparkinggarage,ordirectingpeopletosetsofglassdoors.
Nashwasright.Thisplacewasanentertainmentdream.
“Whatdoyouwanttodofirst?”
“Ohmygosh,theyhaveanarcade!”Kiranexclaimed.
Nashstoppedindisbelief.“Theygaveyou475activityoptionsandyouchosethearcade?”
“Nash!Canweplaysomegames?Please,please,please?”
“Ifitmakesyouhappy,yes.Juststopdoingthatpuppyeyething.”
“Idon’tdoapuppyeyething.”
“Trustme.Youhavepuppyeyes.They’reonyourface.They’reathing.”
Shenearlyskippedherwaythroughthebowlingalleytoanareathatcouldn’tquitebecalledafullarcadesincetherewasn’tawidevarietyofgamesbutthatfilledherheartwithhappinessanyway.
“We’recrossingthearcadeoffyourlist,”Nashsaidastheywalkedin.
“Bestdayever.”
“Whataboutthesevideogamesmakesyousohappy?You’repracticallyflying.”
“Theyremindmeofhighschool.”
“Dopeoplewanttoberemindedofhighschool?”
Kiransloweddown,takinginthebluelightsthatshonearoundthewalls,thechildrenlaughingwithglee,andtheoneswhodidn’tputquartersintothemachinebuttriedtodrivethevirtualcarsanyway,turningthesteeringwheelthiswayandthat.
“IthinkItoldyoubeforethatIgotascholarshiptomyhighschool,right?”
“Right.”
“Well,itwaslikeawholenewworldhadopenedup.Untilthen,I’dbeeninthisvillagewherethewatercamethroughpipesthreedaysaweekandwehadtostoreitingiantplasticbinsfortheotherfour.Ourelectricitywasspottyatbest,especiallyduringthesummerswhentheheatwouldfrythegrid.Andboardingschool…itwasn’teventhefreedomthatgotmebutthemundanethingsallthewealthykidsgottodoonaregularbasisgrowingupthatwerenoveltiestome.”
“Likevideogames?”
Kirannodded.“Likevideogames.Andgiantshoppingmallswithair-conditioningandnamebrands.AndStarbucks.Andpizza.”
Nash’seyeswereonherasshecontinued,andshelikedthewaysheseemedtocaptivatehisattention.
“Allofthistakesmebacktothat.I’mstillthisIndianvillagegirlatheartwhofindsthesethingsamazing.I’musedtoitnow.I’velivedintheUnitedStatesforoveradecade.ButthesetinyexperiencesarebigremindersofwhatIdidn’tgrowuphaving.”
“Ineverreallythoughtaboutitthatway,”Nashreplied.“ThoughIcanrelateonbeingabletoexperiencethingsnowthatIdidn’twhenIwasyounger.Afullfridge.Asteadyapartment…thoughifyou’veheardthewaymyfloorscreak,you’llquestionhowsteadyitis.”
Shewantedtoexplorehismind,allthelittlenooksandcrevices,andshinealightonthedustycornershewasunveilingwhenhethrewinthesetinymentionsofapastthatdidn’tseemtomatchhisdisposition.Butshedidn’twanttoruinthemoment.
Instead,shestuckhertongueout.“Iliveonthefloorbelowyou.Trustme,Iknow.”
“Youfindbeautyinthesmallthings,”Nashsaid,andthetendernessinhiseyeswasunmistakable.
“Isn’tthattheonlywaytolive?Tofindbeautyinallmoments?”Kiranasked.
Andshecouldn’thelpbutfindwonderinthisone.ChapterEleven
NASH
Thesesparksoflightningbetweenthem,soquickandunpredictable,couldn’tbeinhishead…couldthey?
Justashe’dfeelaweatthebrillianceandhowtheylituphisworld,theywouldvanish.Nashcouldn’tgaugewhetherhismindwasplayinggamesorwhetherhisheartwasopeninguptoher—thisgirl,whohadofferedhimnothingbutkindnesssincethey’dmet,wholovedvideogamesanddiscoveredepiphaniesintheplainestofmoments.
“Whatgamedoyouwanttoplay?”Hehadtochangethesubjectsohewouldn’tthinkaboutitanymore.Hedidn’twanttoruinthedaybyponderingtoomuch.
“Basketball,obviously.”
Kiran’saccentasshepronouncedhisfavoritesportbass-cut-bowlwassoendearing,hecouldn’thelpbutsmile.Hecouldhavegottentangledinthecurvesofherlettersandthemelodyofhervoiceallday.
“You’re,like…five-four.Doyouevenhavebasketballskills?”
“I’mcompetitive.That’sallthatmatters.”
“Howdoyoufigure?”
“Acompetitivepersonworkstowin.They’repayingattentiontohowtheyplay,andtheypracticeuntiltheyscore.Imaynotbethebestrightnow,butIguaranteeI’mmoreattentivetowhatI’mdoingandwhetheritworksthananyoneelsewhotakesthingslightly.”
“WhatifI’mcompetitivetoo?”Allthoseyearsoftryingtobeattheoddshadtocountforsomething.
“Thenwe’llhaveagoodgame,won’twe?”
“Isitagameifthere’snothingtolose?”
“Whatarewebetting?”Shetiltedherchinindefiance.
Hethoughtaboutitforasecond.Thiswastheperfectopportunitytoaskforakissoradateorbeflirtatious…butaropetightenedaroundhisheart,forcinghimback,andhisintuitionwarnedhimnottotakeadvantageofthismoment.
“Winnerbuysfoodfortherestoftheday?”
Herfacelitup.“Deal.”
Theyloadedupongamecreditsandgotready.
“Youknowyou’regoingtolose,right?”Kiranchallenged.
“Didyoujusttrashtalkme?”Nashaskedincredulously.
“Idid.”
“Idon’tevenknowwhattosaytoyourightnow,butmaybewhenyou’rebuyingmemyeighthbucketoffrenchfriesandyou’redownfiftybucks,youcanthinkbacktothismoment.”
Theystaredateachother,steelintheireyesandtheirhandsonthebuttonstoreleasethebasketballsfromtheirprisonatthetopofthealley.
Theypushed.
Oftheeightbasketballsinthecage,onlysixofNash’scamedowntheslideforhimtoshoot.
“Goddamn,”hemutteredtohimself.
HesnuckaglanceatKiran.Allofherbasketballshadcomedown,butratherthantakingthetimetoaimandshoot,shewasfiringlikeamachineguninthegeneraldirectionofthebasket,adjustingherforcewhentheballsbouncedoffthebackboardtoohardorairballed.
“Ithinkyouhavetoaim,”Nashsaid.
“Idisagree,”sheshoutedback,thoughtheywerestandingnexttoeachother
“What’syourlogic?”
Heshotthreeinarow,andonlyonemadeitin.Thescorewas8–4.Howwasshewinning?
“Volume,notaccuracy!”
Hetriedhertechnique,breakinghabitsfromyearsofbasketballpracticeinhighschoolandpickupgamesincollegetofireasquicklyaspossiblewithoutfollowingthroughorwaitingfortheresult.
Hemadetwoshotsconsecutively,andthescorewas9–6.
Thetimerbegantocountdownwithtensecondsleftontheclock.Thebasketballstheywerenowshootingstoppedreturningtothem.NashsawKiranpickupspeedinthecornerofhiseyewiththeballsshehadleft.Abeadofsweatdrippedfromhisforeheadathiseffortstooutshoother,andhisarmswereheavyfromhisrepetitions.
Beep!
11–9.
Kiranrubbedherarmslikeshewasgivingherselfahugandwincedwhenshesqueezedhershoulders.
“I’dsaybestoutofthree,butyoumightloseyourarms,”Nashteased.
“Ifyouwanttogoagain,we’llgo,”shesaidimmediately,herfacelightingup.
“Yousureyoucanhandleit?”
“Didyouseethescore?Ifyouwanttohumiliateyourselfagain…”
Asshemadefunofhim,herskinemittedaglow,liketherewerethousandsoftinyfirefliescastingagoldenlightonher.
Nashcouldn’tlookaway.Withoutasecondthought,hesteppedcloseandputhishandsonhers,gentlyputtingpressureonhershouldersoverherownfingers.
Hereyesflutteredshutathistouch.
“Youokay?”hemurmured,simultaneouslyhopingshewasn’texperiencinganyachinessandwishingshewouldleanonhimforalittlelonger.
Shehummedinresponse,thewaycatsdidwhentheypurredincontentment.
Thescentofmuskyroses,orincense,floodedhimashestoodnearher.Forafleetingsecond,hewonderedwhatit’dbeliketokissher,togentlytugherponytailbackashekissedherneck,andtopullherclosertohimsotherewasn’tanyroomtoseparatethem.
Hereyesopenedsuddenly,andshegasped—astrangledsoundlikeshewasshockedandcouldn’tbreathe.
“I’msorry,”hestuttered,immediatelywithdrawinghishandsandsteppingback.“Ididn’tmeantomakeyoufeeluncomfortable.”
“No…No,it’sokay.”Sherecovered.“Wepushedasorespot.ImustbealotmoreoutofshapethanIthought!”
Kiran’seyeshadwidened,butjustasheregisteredherexpression,itwasgone.Nashwasn’tsurehowtorespond,buthisheartfeltalongingtoturnbacktimetotensecondsagoandfreezeittowhenhefeltapeacehehadn’tknownhewasmissing.
Kiran,ontheotherhand,hadbouncedbackandpastedanexpressionofcontentmentonherface.
“Areyousureyou’reokay?”Hewasn’ttalkingaboutthesoreness.
“I’mfine,Ipromise.”Shetouchedhisarmtoreassurehim,butwhensheletgo,avoidstayedbetweenthem.
Henodded,tryingtosmileandunabletospeak.
“So,”shesaidwithagenuinesmileonherface.“Bowling?Withasideoffrenchfries?”
Nashtriedtorecoverthewayshehad.“Soundsgreat.”
Shebrushedpasthimandbeganwalkingslowlytothebowlingalleywithherhandsinthepocketsofherjeans,wristletdanglingfromherarm.Nashtrailedbehind,unsurewhattosay.
Sheturnedonherheel,takingtwostepsbackwardslowlyasshespoke.“So…aboutthatbasketballgame.”
“Ifyouwantmetosayitoutloud,fine…Ilost.Youwon.Iwillfeedyoufortherestofthedayandprobablyhavetosellakidneyontheblackmarkettoaffordit.”
Shelaugheddelightedlyandshookherhead.
“What?”
“IonlymadethatbetwithyoubecauseIwantedtowinit—butyouforgotthefoodwasfreetoday,didn’tyou?”
Withthatcomment,allwasbacktoforgotten.ChapterTwelve
KIRAN
Sheshouldn’thaverecoiledwhenhetouchedhertwoweeksagoatthearcade.Thetruthwasthatshe’dsunkintoit,closedhereyesandimaginedhimholdingher.She’dlostherselfinthemoment,beingclosetoamanwhooozedgoodness,andhadforgottenherselfwhenshegroaned.
ButMahadahabitofsqueezinghershouldersafterahug,andsomethingaboutthatactionhadtriggeredKiran’smemoryinawaythathadherparents’facesslammingheroutofherbliss.
Shecouldn’tforgetthelookonNash’sfaceorthefactthatshe’dputitthere.Shedidn’twanttoimaginehowhe’dreactonceshetoldhimabouthersisterorthatshecouldn’tdatewhiteguys,letalonefallinlovewithone.
Whoknewifhisheartbeatalittlefasterwhenhesawher,thewayhershadoverthelastweekwhenshethoughtofseeinghimagain?
Shehadtopretendhergrowingattractiontohimdidn’texist.Itsimplywasn’tthere.
Shedidn’twanttodwellonthewaytheywerebecomingroutinepartsoflifetoeachother—theirsillylittletextsandmemeshadbecomeaseamlesspartofherday—becausewhatwouldhappenifitwastakenaway?Butshealsodidn’twanttofindoutwhatlifewouldbelikewithouthischeerfulpresence.
SheknockedonNash’sdoorthreetimesandwaited.
Fakeituntilyoumakeit,Kiran.Ifyoudon’tthinkaboutit,it’lldisappear.
Ashuffleresoundedontheotherside,andfootfallscreakedonthewoodenfloorsastheycametowardthedoor.Kiranwonderedifherownfootstepswereloudandifthepersonwholivedunderneathhercouldtellwhatshewasuptoifshewaspacingherstudioorskulkingaroundherkitchen.Sherememberedthesillybanterthey’dhadatChelseaPiersaboutthesoundsoftheirapartments.
Shejumpedasthedoorswungopen,andNashstoodwearingapairofjeans.Hewasshirtless.
“Oh…uh.Hey,”Kiranstuttered.“DidIcatchyouatabadtime?”
“No,Iwaschangingafterwork.Here,I’llgrabashirt.”
Pleasedon’t.Kiranclearedherthroat.
“Comeonin.What’sup?”
Shesteppedinside.
“IwantedtoknowifyouwantedtotakethatUpperEastSidewalkwithme.”
Asshespoke,shesurveyedhisplace.Itwassmallerthanhers.Ithadn’tbeenguttedandrenovated,butthekitchenwasnew.AndascolorfulandfullasKiran’splacewas,Nash’swasadiametricallyoppositeminimalisticspace.
“I’dloveto!I’vebeencoopedupintheofficeallday.Letmeusethebathroomandwecango.”
Hiscouchwasblackandhadaccentpillows—sheguessedtheycamewiththesofa—whichwerewarmgray.Hisbedspread—Iwonderifit’scomfortabletocuddleon—wasablack,gray,andwhiteplaidprint.
Photoframeswereusedsparingly—onlytwohungintheapartment,bothinbetweenthetwowindows.Shesteppedcloserandlookedatthem—oneofawomanwhowasmiddle-aged,curvy,andstillheldanauraofthebeautyshemusthaveworninherprime,withherarmaroundNashathisgraduateschoolcommencement,andanotherofafamilyandNashdressedinmatchingbaseballuniforms.
“That’smyauntKate,andBrandon’sfamily—theMcGuires,”Nashsaid,emergingfromthesmallbathroominthecorneroftheunit.
“Bigbaseballfans?”
“Nah,Dr.McGuirehadacharitybaseballgamewithhispracticeagainstanotherpractice,andweallplayed.IwishIcouldsayanyofusweregood,butBrandonwieldsabatlikeaFlintstone,andthepitcherfromtheotherteamthoughthewasamajorleaguerandkepttryingtodousbodilyinjurywithhispitches.”
Kirangiggled.“I’mgladyousurvivedtheexperience.”
“Itwasclose,butwemadeit.”
Kiranturnedherfacetothephotosagain.“Yourauntlookskind.”
“She’sprettygreat.Quirky.Fun.Shecalledmelastweektalkingabouthowshewantstotakearoadtriptoseetheworld’slargestthings—world’slargestsandwich,world’slargestketchupbottle,world’slargestpizza.”
“Whatwasherreasoning?”
“Thatshewasboredoftheeveryday,andshewantedtoseelifeonagrandscale.Itoldherseeinglifeonagrandscaledidn’tapplytogiantcondimentsandprobablymeantsomethinglikeatriptoVegasinafive-starhotel,butKatelikestomarchtothebeatofherowndrum.”
“Iadmirethat,”Kiranmurmured.“Somanypeopledon’thavethecouragetoreallylivelifeontheirownterms.Thinkaboutourlists.We’reyoung,capable,andenergetic—andevenwehavesomuchwehaven’tdone.”
“Well,that’swhywe’rechangingthattogether,right?”
HeslippedonhisConversesandgesturedatthedoor.
Kiranfollowedhimout,wishingtheycouldhavespentmoretimeinhisapartment.Shedidn’tknowwhatitwas—maybebeingaroundthethingsfamiliartohimandbeinginhisintimatespace—butitmadeherfeelspecial.Italsopromptedalonginginhertobeabletogetclosertohim.
Thependulumswinginginherheartwasonawildride,andshecouldn’twillitbacktoequilibriumorpermanentlystickitinthezoneoffriendship.
TheywalkedtotheSecondAvenuesubwaystation,makingsmalltalkabouttherestaurantsinthearea,andhoppedonthetraintoFifty-NinthandLexington.
“SoIguessIshouldhaveaskedthisbefore.ButwhytheUpperEastSide?”Nashaskedasheheldontothemetalbarinthemiddleofthetraincar.
“Yourememberhowwetalkedaboutdifferentvibesinthecity?”
“Yes.”
“TheUpperEastSidevibe,atleastalongtheriver,makesmefeellikeI’minParisorsomething.Imean,I’veneverbeentoParis,butwhatIimagineit’dbelike.It’squieter.Sophisticated.Mybestfriend,Payal,livesaroundhere,andwe’vetakenthiswalkafewdifferenttimes,andeverysingletime,IpromiseI’llcomebackanddoitagain.”
“Itmustbeprettymagical.Iworkuphere,butIhaven’ttakenthetimetowalkaroundmuch.”
“IworkoveronFifty-Seventh!Igetit,though,therigmaroleoflife…sometimesyoudon’tgetachancetoenjoythethingsstaringyouintheface.ItellmyselfI’llcomehereonlunchallthetime,butsomethingalwaysgetsintheway.”
“I’mgladwe’redoingthis,”Nashsaidearnestly.
“Metoo.”Shegazedintohiseyes,andtheoverwhelmingsurgeofsafety,ofhome,wastoomuch.
Shelookedawayquickly,pointingoutthatthenextstopwastheirs.
Theywalkedinsilencetothewaterfront,windingtheirwayalongthepedestrianpathsthatcrossedanduncrossedoverFDRDrive.
Itwasn’tuncomfortable.ButKiranhadthefeelingNashwasinhisheadasmuchasshewasinherown.Perhapsheneededthesilencetosortouthisthoughts.
Itwasn’tuntiltheyhadcrossedthebridgebacktoEightiethStreetthatNashfinallyspoke.
“IftherewasanOlympicsforeverydayactivities,whatwouldyouwinagoldmedalin?”
Shewassotakenabackthatshesnorted.ThegruntingsoundwassounexpectedthatNash,whohadapparentlyaskedthequestionintotalseriousness,letoutabellowoflaughter.
Kirancouldn’thelpbutjoinin,atfirstinembarrassedcompensationfortheawkwardness,andtheningenuinemirthatthefactthatNashhadslouchedforward,hishandsonhisknees.Theharderhelaughed,themoregenuineherlaughterbecame.
“Wherethehelldoyoucomeupwiththesethings?”sheasked,wipingtearsoffhercheeks.
Nashrestedhishandsonhiswaist,stillchortling.“Myguidancecounselorinhighschoolhadtheseicebreakercards.NowIusetheminmypractice.IhaveallsortsofthingsIdotogettoknowpeople.Icebreakercards.Games.Trivia.Humanknots.”
“Yes,nothinglikegettingpeopletoopenupbyambushingthemwithaquestionabouttheirdailyOlympics.”Shecheckedthebackofherhandtomakesurehermascarahadn’trun.
“That’sexactlythepoint!Youcatchthematavulnerablespot,andthenitpromptsconversation.”
“AndIlookedvulnerable?”
“No,butyoulookedlikeyouwereinyourhead.”
Itwaslikehereadherthoughts.
Kiranletoutasoftwhistle.“Okay…thenI’dwinthegoldmedalinorganization.”
“Youdohavealotofstuffinthatapartmentofyours.Iimagineitwouldn’tfitifitweredisorganized.”
“Oh,shutup.Itisallaboutoldhabits.Mydadwasaneatfreak.NowIam.Lists.Plans.Graphs.Ilikestep-by-stepactionsandthoughts.”
“Imean,seeingaswe’reliterallyonawalkbecauseyoucreatedalist…Icanunderstandthat.”
“Don’thate.Whatfaddidyouneverreallyunderstand?”Kiranasked.
“Oh,you’replayingmygamenow?”
“Ifigureyoudeserveatasteofyourownmedicine.”
“Okay,thenIneverunderstoodthefulldenimlook.Orguysgettinghighlightsorbleachingthetipsoftheirhair.OrmaybetheBackstreetBoysandNSYNC.”
“Ifyousaythatagain,Iwillwashyourmouthoutwithsoap.”
“Please.Theyweren’tanygood!”
“Sobasically,youdidn’tunderstandtheentire’90s?”
“Essentially,yes.Humanityhitalowpoint.”
“Wecanagreetodisagree.”
TheruinsoftheoldsmallpoxhospitalfromtheearlytwentiethcenturyroseeerilyfromRooseveltIsland.KirangaveanimperceptiblesquirmattheideaofspiritswhohaddiedtooearlywatchingthemastheywalkedwiththesunsettingonthewestsideofManhattan.
“What’sthecutestanimalyoucanthinkof?Andtheugliest?”
“Thecutestisababytigerorababyelephant.Theylooksoinnocent.Babyelephants,especially—didyouknowtheythrowtempertantrums?Oh,andtheugliestisablobfish.”
“Ithinkyoumadethatoneup.”
“Ididnot!Lookituponyourphone!”Shestoppedandpointedathim.
Hefishedhisphoneoutofhispocketandtyped“blobfish”inGoogle.
“Oh,dearGod!That’sawful!”HestuckthephoneoutawayfromhimandX’dthewindow.
“Itoldyouit’sreal.Quitegross,right?”
“I’llhavenightmares.”Heshuddered
“Howdidyoumeetyourbestfriend?Brandon,right?”
“Right.Wewenttothesameschool.Wesatnexttoeachotherinkindergarten.Thatsumsitup.”
“Youguyshavebeenbestfriendsyourwholelives,andyousummeditupwithasinglesentence?”Kiransmackedherforehead.
“Iwishtherewasa—Idon’tknow—romanticorbromanticstorybehindit,butIthinkIaskedhimforacrayon.Itwasn’tparticularlymonumental…thoughourfriendshipcertainlyis.”
“Fairpoint.”
“Beforeyoumakeacall,doyourehearsewhatyou’regoingtosay?”
Kiranscratchedherchin.“Yes.I’mnotsomeonewholikestobeunpreparedorcaughtoffguard.Obviously,ithappens,butimportantconversations…I’mdefinitelysomeonewhothinksaboutwhattosaybeforehand.”
“Ihavealittleexperiencecatchingyouoffguard.”
Alittle?Kiranthoughttoherself.You’vecaughtmeoffguardsincethedaywemet,NashHawthorne.
“Imean,I’veflusteredyoubeforebetweenaskingyoutodinnerand…thingslikethat.”
Inthatmoment,sheknewtheybothwerereflectingbacktoChelseaPiersandthattouch.
Sheclearedherthroat.“Oh,Ihaveagoodone!”
“Fireaway.”
“Whatwouldbeagreatsporttowatchiftheathletesweredrunk?”
Nashcrinkledhisnose.“AndyouaskmewhereIcomeupwiththisstuff?”
Kiranshrugged.
“Curling.”
“What?”
“Broomseverywhere.Ice.Granitestones.It’skindofarecipefordisaster,butwatchingpeoplehiteachotherwithbroomswhileinebriatedwouldbereallyfunny.”
KirangiggledattheimageofanOlympicteamswingingbroomsovertheirshouldersortrippingoverthem.
“Ifyoucouldgoanywhereanddoanything,whatwoulditbe?”
“Wow,that’sagoodquestion.”
“Youdidn’ttellmeeverythingaddedtoyourlistbefore.Andweknoweachotherbetternow.”
“Thisistrue.Butitwasn’tonmylist.Yourquestioncaughtmeoffguard…”
“Well,let’shearit.”
“IwanttoplaywithanelephantinThailand.Iknowthere’ssomeethicalimplicationsofthat,butinmyhead,it’sanidealworldandthebabyelephants—becauseasIsaid,theyarethecutest—needcuddles.Iwanttobeamom.IwanttodanceforallofNavratri,inGujarat—”
“Sorry,what’sthat?”
“NineholynightsinHinduism.Goodtriumphedoverevil.It’scelebratedfordifferentreasonsinvariouspartsofIndia,butGujarat,thisstateinnorthIndia,hasnightlydanceswithstickscalleddandiya.Theydanceinconcentriccircles,andeachcircledoesdifferentsteps.Youcanmovebetweenthem,learnasyougo,anddanceforhours.It’scolorfulandbrightandspirited.Iwouldlovetocelebrateitauthentically.”
“Thatsoundsbeautiful.”
“Iimagineitis…”Hervoicetrailedoff.“IwanttoseeacricketmatchliveinMumbai.”
“Peoplewatchcricket?”
“You’resuchahater,American.”
“I’mnothating!Ididn’tknow.”
“Cricketisoneoftheworld’smost-playedsports.”
“Thatcan’tbe.”Nashscoffed.
“Itis.”
“Well,Iguessyoulearnsomethingneweveryday.Whatelse?”
“IwanttodriveaVolkswagenBeetleacrossthecountry,likeoneofthosepopstarsfromtheninetiesonaroadtrip.I’dliketoseemysisteragain—”Shestoppedshort.
Nashdidn’tmissthatlastone.Hefrownedather.“Whatdoyoumean?”
WhatdoIsay?sheshriekedinternally.Hereyeswidened,thendartedtoRooseveltIslandacrosstheriver—anythingtoavoidlookingathisface.
Forallherblusteraboutbeingpreparedandabouthavingrehearsedconversations,shehadn’texpectedtoverballyvomitthatshehadn’tseenKirtiinyears.AndifsheopenedPandora’sboxonthisbeautifulstarrynight,themonstersfromherpastwouldflyoutandthelightfromthestarsmayneverbeseenwithNashagain.
WhenGandhipreachedhonestyandtruth,Kiran,hedidn’tmeanwhitelies,herconsciencescoldedher,butitdidn’tmatter.Shewasspeakingbeforeshecouldruminateonitfortoolong.
“Ihaven’tseenherinawhile.”
“Whynot?”cametheinevitablequestion.
“Oh,youknow.Familydrama.I’mawomanofmystery,Nash,remember?”
Nashfrownedslightlyatherforcednonchalancebutthensmiled.“Indeed.”
Butitwasaliethathumiliatedher.NotonlyhadsheomittedthetruthaboutKirti’sleavingthefamily,butshehadthrownherfamilyonthefire,makingitsoundlikethemostheartbreakingdecisionofherparents’liveswasonlyalittledrama.Shehatedthatsheburnedtheverythingshelovedmosttopreservearelationship…no,notevenarelationship,afriendshipthatshehadforamonthandahalf.
Thenagain…herfamilywastornapartindramaticfashion,wasn’tit?Itwasn’tatotallie.AndsomeoneinAmerica,thelandofthefree,maynotunderstandthecomplexitiesbehindwhathappened.
“I’mreallysorry,”Nashsaid,hisbrowsknitinafrown.“Thatmustbehard.”
“Itis.”
Kiran’smindwenttohersisterinIndiaandwonderedwhatshewasupto,howshehadchosenloveoverfamily,andwhatshe’dsaytoheriftheyreunited.ChapterThirteen
NASH
Acrossfromthem,thetipofRooseveltIslandshowedoffitslighthouse.Beyondit,Astoriawasondisplay,bufferingtheislandandshowingoffparksofitsown.Towerspunctuatedthelandscape.TheRobertF.KennedyBridgeseemedtomovewithheadlightsofcarszoomingacrossit.
NashbeckonedKirantoabenchoverlookingthebreathtakingview.Totheirbacks,aparkstillheldremnantsofactionfromvisitors.Dogsplayedinthedogpark,andthedistantsoundofbasketballsbouncingagainstthecourtechoedamongthebuildingsaroundthem.
NashexhaleddeeplyandshotaglanceatKiran.
Herhandswereinherpockets,andshesatacoupleoffeetawayfromhim.Herlegscrossedattheknees,andshegazedoutattheriver.Hershouldershunched.
“Pennyforyourthoughts?”
“Youmayaskforarefund.”Sheofferedatight-lippedsmile.
“Areyoutired?We’vewalkedaroundthirtyblockstonight.”
“Alittle.Areyoutired?Doyouwanttoheadback?”
No,Nashwantedtosay,I’dratherspendthenightherewithyou
Buthebobbedhishead.“Wehavearooftopdeck,right?”
“Yes.Ihaven’tbeenuptheremuch,butit’snice!”
“Wanttograbsomebeersandchillthereforabit?”
“Sure.”
“Cab’sonme.Let’sgethome.”
Ahalfhourlater,shehadprocuredbeersfromherfridgeandbroughtthemupforthem.
“Akashleftthematmyplaceawhileback.He’sforgottenbynow,Ipromiseyou.”
Therooftophadwickerfurnituregroupedaroundtablesinasurprisinglycozyatmosphere.Nooneelsefromthebuildingwasupthere.
Theysettledintotwochairsacrossfromeachother.KiranslidherTomsoffandcrossedherlegs,herbarefeettuckedunderneathherknees.Nashextendedhislegsoutonthetableinfrontofthem.
Therewasintimacyhere,thetwooftheminasmallerspace,sharingadrinkthatdecreasedinhibitionandheightenedemotion.AndwhenKiran’shairmovedinthebreeze,hewondered,notforthefirsttime,whatitwouldbeliketorunhisfingersinitandseetheblackrunacrosshisskin.
“Sotellmeaboutyourfamily,sinceI’vetalkedaboutmine,”Kiranproposed.“Nosiblingsforyou,right?”
What.A.Buzzkill.
“Nope.Itwasjustmeandmymomgrowingup.”Thatwasabitofastretch,becauseNashhadlargelygrownupalone,butitseemedlikethesimplestexplanation.
“Youmustbeclose.”
“Oh.”NowNashsquirmed.“Notsomuch.”
Kiranwaited.ButNashdidn’telaborate.
Forasummernightonarooftop,thetemperaturearoundthemhadunexpectedlyhitsubzeroandnotforthefirsttimethatnight.
Abeatpassedbetweenthem.Nashcouldn’tmeetKiran’seyes,andhecouldsensethatshewaslookinganywherebutathisface.
“Well…itlookslikeitwasmyturntomakethingsawkward,”Kiransaidafterafewmoments,offeringhimasmallsmile.“I’msorryifIhitasorespot.”
Nashshiftedhisweight.“It’snotasorespot.It’sa…it’savoid.She’sgone.”
“Tellme,Nash.”
Maybeitwasthealcohol.Shesaidhisnamelikeatenderlullaby,anditdisarmedhimcompletely.Hewasunusedtoendearmentsandsoftness.
Andhereyes—howhadhenotnoticedthedepth?Untilhe’dlookedatKiran’seyes,brownhadalwaysbeenashadesodarkthatdetailsdidn’texist…butnow,eveninthemutedlightsofthecity,hesawheririsescastlightlikewhiskeybottlesinsunlightorhoneyfreshfromthecomb.Clear.Anddeeperthanhe’deverimagined.
“Mymom,”hesaid,hisvoicecroakingonthewords.Ithadbeensolongsincehesaidthem.“Mydad…Sorry,Idon’tknowwheretostart.”
“Thebeginning,”shesaidgently.Sheputherbeeronthegroundandleanedinafewinches.
Nashtookadeepbreath,willinghimselftothinkbacktotwenty-fiveyearsago,whenhisfirstmemoriescametothesurface.
“Mydadwasamazing,”hestarted.“Iguesseverykidthinksso,buthewasaniceguy.Myparentswereyoungwhentheygotmarried.Justoutofhighschool,Ithink.Mymomgotpregnantimmediatelyafterward.Maybebeforehand.Sheworkedasareceptionist,andhewasamechanicwhotinkeredinshopclassandgothimselfajobatabeat-upautoshop.Theyhadme,andIliketothinktheywerehappyforawhile.
“Thenmymomlostherjob…andshecouldn’tgetanotheronebecausemostpeoplerequiredcollegedegrees—andwhowouldwanttohireateenagerwithababyandnodegreewhentheycouldhavesomeoneeducated,reliable,andsingle?Myparentshadboughtareallysmalltrailertolivein,andmydadwasstrugglingtopaythebills,Iguess,ononeincome.
“Thestorygetsmuddledhere.Idon’tknowwhat’sfactandwhat’sspeculation.”
HelookedatKiran,whowashangingonhiswords,andwasmollifiedwhenshedidn’tlookaway.Hereyesweretrainedonhisface,unmovingandfortifyinghim.
“MyauntKatesaysmymomgotboredbeingastay-at-homemomandgotbacktogetherwithsomeofherhighschoolfriends,whowereallinapartyingphase.Mydad,whoalreadycouldn’taffordahouse,awife,andakid,couldn’thandlethepartying.Mymomsaidmydadfelloutoflovewithher.AllIrememberisthemfightingandthedoorslamming,andmymomleaningupagainstitandcrying.Ihaven’tseenhimsince.”
“Nash,”Kiransighedsadlyandimperceptiblyshookherhead.
“Eventually,welostthetrailer.Wemovedintoaroughneighborhood.I…”
“Youwhat?”
“Istole.Imean…Ididn’tthinkitwasstealingatthetime,butmymomhadmeaskneighborsforlunchmoney.She’dtakemyhandandholdontomyshouldersandmentiontotheneighborsthatshe’dbepaidFridayfromhergigatthegasstation,butsheneededtobuymeasandwich.Andshe’dcollectallthismoney,andwe’dstillgohungry.I’mnotsurewhatshedidwithit,butIknowIwasn’tgettinganysandwicheswithit.Maybeitwenttowardalcohol.”
Kiran’shandsmadeasuddenmovement,asthoughtheywereabouttoflytohermouth,butsheforcedthemintoplaceonherlap.
“Itwasn’tallbad.IhadBrandonandhisfamily…andmyauntKate,mymom’ssister,whotriedtohelpher.”AtthementionofKate’sname,Nashcouldn’thelpbutgrin.“Shetookcareofme.Icecreamtrips.Schoolshopping.DoughnutsforeverytimeIcamehomewithgoodgrades.I’dfindtendollarswithPost-itnotesinmybackpackallthetime.Ithinkmymomknewaboutthose,butshedidn’ttouchthem.Theyweremyspecialgifts,andforallherflaws,sherespectedthat.
“Andmymomtried.Eventually,shesoberedupforawhile.Shetriedtocometosomeofmybasketballgames.SheaskedmeifIwantedtogotocollegesomedaywhensherealizedIwasatthetopofmyclass.”
“Didshetryandhelpyou?”Kiranasked.“Mydaddidn’tgotocollege,buthe’dcomehomewithinformationaboutschools,andI’mnotsurewhereheevengotitfrom.”
Nashnodded,lettingoutachuckle.“Sheactuallyspoketooneofmycounselors,Ithink.Hecalledmeintohisofficeintenthgrade,sayinghe’dgottencallseverydaythatheneededtomeetwithmeandtellmewhatmyoptionswere,eventhoughcounselorswerescheduledtodothatduringjunioryearanyway.
“Junioryearrollsaround.She’sdoingokay,mymom.She’sgotajobatarestaurantasawaitress.Sheworkslonghours,butsheseemshappier.Turnsout,she’sseeingthisguy.She’sexcitedabouthim,youknow?Likeherfaceglowedforthefirsttimeinmylifeandherskieswereblue.Sheseemedmoreenergetic,triedtocookmoreoften,spenttimeathometalkingtome.Shegotthinner,putonmoremakeup,andtookcareofhowshelooked.Shehadsomuchenergy.Wegotcloser.”
Nash’swordswerecomingfasternow,asthoughhewaswatchingareelofhislifespinninginfrontofhiseyes.Hewastakenbacktovariousagesinhislife:five,ten,sixteen,seventeen,eighteen,likeatrainrunningoutofcontrolandheadingtowardadestinationthathecouldn’tgobackandchangebutthathedidn’twanttothinkabout.
“Ifoundtheneedles,spoon,anddrugsinherdrawerwhenIwaslookingforcashformilk.Itwasinthistinbox…thosecookieboxesyougetforChristmaswiththoseawfulstore-madeshortbreadcookies?Itwasgreen.Idon’tknowwhyIrememberthat.
“Iconfrontedher.ToldherIdidn’twanttolivewithajunkie.ThatIdidn’twanttoloseher.ThatwewerefinallyonourfeetandIwasproudofus.Shepromisedshe’dgetcleanandthatshe’dbreakupwiththeboyfriendwhohadgottenherintoit.Andforawhile,itseemedlikeshewasontheupandup.I’dcheckthedressersometimesandotherplacesinherbedroom,andtherewasnothingtobefound.
“IgotintoVanderbilt.Thefunnythingis,Ididn’ttellherfirst.ItoldBrandon’sfamilyandKate.Theywantedtocelebrate,butIreallywantedtotellmymom.ItfeltlikeI’dfinallydoneit…likeI’dbeatentheoddsandmaybeIcouldliftusoutofthiswithalittlemorehardwork.Wecouldliveinanicerapartment.Icouldhaveabedthatwasn’tpushedupagainstawallinthelivingroom.We’dbeabletoaffordacarifIgraduatedwithmydegree.
“Icamehomewiththisgiantenvelope,andthereshewasatthetable,withthatgoddamncookietin.”Hisvoicegrewhard.
“Oh,Nash,I’msosorry.Whatdidyoudo?”Kiranwhispered.
“Ijustsilentlyslidtheenvelopeacrossthetable.Idon’tevenrememberwhatIsaid—ifIsaidanythingatall.Istaredather.Shecriedandtoldmeshe’dgethelp.IstayedwithBrandon’sfamilyforafewmonthswhileshewenttoarehabfacilitythathisdadrecommended.
“Bythetimeshe’dgottenback,IwasintomysenioryearandworkingatDr.McGuire’s—Brandon’sdad’s—medicalpracticeasanassistant.Basically,Iranandgothimthings,madecoffee,cleanedup.Iwassavingupforcollege.Shewasclean.Graduationwasapproaching.
“Iaskedhertocometograduationsoberandtobeproudofwhatwe’ddone,becausewehadn’tletlife’sshitgettousandwe’dmadeitthisfar.Irememberhowhappyshelooked.Shesmiledandtoldmeshelovedmeandthatitwouldbeanhonortocometomyhighschoolgraduationandshecouldn’twaittoseemewalkacrossthestageatmycollegecommencementeither.Wejokedwe’dgotoDisneyWorldwhenIdidthat,onourfirstfamilyvacationwiththetwoofus—likearedoofthetimewewentwithmydad.Ado-over.”
PainscratchedlinesintoNash’sfaceashespoke.“Itwasaboutaweekbeforeourceremony.We’dfinishedfinalsandtherestoftheschoolwastakingtheirs,sowehadafewdaysoffwherealltheseniorswouldgoofoff.Wehadpicnics,parties,fieldtrips…BrandonandIhadgottenbackfromafriend’sbash,andIneededmyswimtrunksforatriptothepool.
“WhenBrandonpulleduptothehousingcomplex,therewerepolicecarsattheapartment,andoneofthecopswasspeakingtoKate.Shewasteary,tryingtoexplainthatmymomhadcalledherandsoundedoutofit,apologizingforsomethingandsayingmynameoverandover
“Idon’tevenrememberpushingpastthepolicetryingtogetinthedoor,butIunlockedtheapartment,andthereshewas.”
Kiran’slipshadparted,andherhandswereclaspedasthoughshewerepraying—butNashknewprayersweretoolatenow.Theyweretoolateevenbackthen.
“Shewasonthekitchenfloor.She’dbeendeadacoupleofhours.Anoverdose.”
Kiran’shandsflewtoherface,herskinpaleinthenight.“Nash…”
Heshookhishead.“Itwasalongtimeago.”
Butheclosedhishandsintofistsandcrossedhisarms,certainhecouldstillfeelhismother’scoolingskinonhisfingertipsandtheparamedic’shandsonhisshoulderastheypushedhimawayandtriedtoresuscitateher.Thetiledroofaroundhimtransformedintocheaplinoleumkitchenflooring,andhewasnolongerathirty-year-oldmanbuteighteen,aweekbeforehisgraduation,withtheechoesofKate’scrieshowlinginhisears.Hestaredintospace,recallinghowhismother’seyeshaddonethesamething—still,unmoving,andblank…andmaybeevenalittlerelieved.
ArmsaroundhimbroughthimbacktotherooftopinManhattan.
“I’msosorry,”Kiranwhisperedintohisshoulder.“I’msosorry.”
Hehuggedherback,restinghishandsonthecurveofherwaist.
“Itwasalongtimeago,”hewhisperedagain.
“You’reherenow,”shesaidasshepulledbackandsearchedhisface.
Despitethepinpricksbehindhiseyes,onesthatheknewhewouldn’tgiveinto—heneverhad—hewasn’tbroken.Kiranwasright.
Hewashere.
Hewasalive.He’dmadeitthroughVanderbilt.Andwhilethelossofhismotherwasn’tonehespokeaboutoften,ashefeltKiran’shandsonthebackofhisneckasshehuggedhimagain,hecouldn’tthinkofasingleplacehewouldhaveratherbeen.ChapterFourteen
KIRAN
Kiranopenedoneeyeblearily,theothersideofherfacestillsmushedagainstherpillow,andglancedatthealarmclockonherbedsidetable.
Shewasoldschool—nocellphonesuntilshe’dwokenup,brushedherteeth,showered,didherpooja,andsatwithacupofchai.Shedidn’tneedtechnologyruiningherroutine.AbasicHarryPotteralarmclockwoulddothejob.
ButitwasSaturday…sogettinguplaterthan“theasscrackofdawn,”asSonamwouldputit,wasacceptable.
Shesighed,halfclosinghereyesagain.Thetemptationofanotherfewminutesunderneathhercoverswasdrawingherin…Andthenthevaguevoicethatspeaksjustasonedriftsoffremindedherwhatdateitwas.
Hereyesopened.Thesleep,whichhadtuggedathereyelidsandgentlypulledthemshut,vanishedlikesmokyvaporsinthenight.
Sittingupinbed,hernightshirtslippingoffhershoulders,sheclaspedherhandsinherlap.
August15.
“Happybirthday,Didi,”shewhispered
SheclosedhereyesandwilledherhushedmessagetogotoIndia,tobeheardinhersister’sheart,wherevershewas.KiranhopedthatDNAwasstrongerthanadoublehelix—thatitcouldserveasaconnectionthattranscendedcontinentsandyears.Maybeevenlifetimes.
Amemorycametoherinthatmomentlikeadeafeningroarofthunder.
“Didi,whyaretherefireworkstoday?”
TheterraceofthehousewashotonKiran’ssmallfeet,evenatnight,butshedidn’twanttomissamomentoftheskylightingupincoloredsparks.
“It’sIndianIndependenceDay,Kiran.But,Chottu,doyouwanttoknowasecret?”herbigsisterasked,usingKiran’snickname—anendearmentthatmeantshewasthelittlest.
Sheslidoffherflip-flopsandhelpedKiranslidethemoninstead.
“Yes,yes!Tellmeasecret!”Five-year-oldKiranhoppedupanddown.
“Thefireworksarereallybecauseit’smybirthday,”Kirtiwhisperedinherlittlesister’sear.
“Really?”
“Andyouwanttoknowanothersecret?You’lldolotsofbigthings,andMamaandBabaandIwillcelebrateyoutoo.It’llbelikewedidtonightwithsweetsandballoons…maybebigger!”
Kiransmiledsoftlytoherself.Ithadbeentwenty-threeyearssincethatbirthday,andshestillthoughtofhersisterasthereasonfireworkswentoffonAugust15.
Thenanothermemorycametoher.
Shewasoldernow.Ten,maybe.
“Baba,fireworks!”sheshouted.
Sheracedupstairstotheterraceontopoftheirtinyhouse,whereshehadstoodwithhersisterfiveyearsago.Kirti’sfacewasalreadyfadingovertheyears,butwithoutfail,onherbirthday,Kiranwouldrememberthefireworkswereforher.
ShestartledwhenshesawBabastandingnexttoher.
“Whydon’tyoucallMauptoo,Baba?Doesn’tshewanttosee?”
“Shegetssadonthisday,beta.It’sbettertoletherbe.”
Assheobservedherfather’sface,lightingupandplungingintodarknessfromthelightsinthesky,shenoticedateartricklingdownhischeek.Shereacheduponhertiptoesandtouchedhisface.
Hegazeddownather,agentlesmileplayingathislips.“Alwaystakingcareofus.”
“Doyoumisshertoo,Baba?”
“Everyday,Kiran.”Hestaredintothedistance,hiseyesemptyandbrimmingatthesametime.“Butnowmyresponsibilityistoyou.”
Hepulledherclosetohisside,andtheywatchedtherestofthefireworksinsilence.
KiranhadthoughtofKirtimoreandmoreoftenlately.
Whatdidshelooklike?Didshehaveanychildren?WasKirananauntalltheseyearsbutunabletocelebratebirthdays,goodgrades,Diwali,andthestartofsummerwithherniecesornephews?Didherparentseverforgivetheirolderdaughter?
Nashhadmentionedthathisaunthadboughtdoughnutseverytimehebroughthomegoodgrades.WouldKiranhavetakenladdoostotheirhousesorgonetoIndiamoreoftentoseethem?
Evenmorethanwonderingaboutwhatlifewouldhavelookedlikehadtheytakenadifferentpath,sheoftenquestionedhowKirtihadcometoherdecisiontomarrythemanshefellinlovewith.Howshemadethechoicetoleavethefamilyforgood.Howshedecideditwasworthherparents’paintochaseherownhappiness.
Ifsheadmittedittoherself,Kiranwasmadtoo—madatthefactthatshelivedlifebythebookbecauseofhersister’smistake.Angrythatherwholelifehadbeenplannedbasedonmakingherparentshappybecausethey’dalreadyseentheworstandsheneverwantedthemtoexperienceitagain.Andashamedwhenshethoughtofallherparentsgaveher,didforher,sacrificedforher,sothatshecouldsucceed.
Butshewasn’tsoangrythatshewouldn’tcheckinonherparents.
“Hello,Kiran?”
“Ma,howareyou?”
Kirancouldhearfirecrackersinthebackground,despitethepleasofpoliticiansnottopollutetheatmospherefurther.
“Good…good,”Masaid,subdued.“Howareyou?”
“I’mdoingwell.IwasthinkingofyouandwantedtoseehowyouandBabawere.”
“Oh,Babaisfine.Here,youcantalktohimifyou’dlike.”
Kiransighed,herheartachingforhermomandthesilentpainshemusthavefeltwitheverycelebratoryexplosionoutside.
“Kiran,Beta,”Baba’svoicecameontheline.Hewasquiet,andKiranhadtopressthephonetoherear.“Howisthecity?Howiswork?”
“Botharegreat.IsMaokay?”
“She—”Hehesitated.“Youknowhowitis.”
“Baba,haveyoueverthoughtaboutreachingouttoher?”Thequestionspilledoutbeforeshecouldstopit.
Babaremainedquiet.Ifthefireworkshadn’tgoneoffinthebackground,Kiranwouldn’thaveknownhewasontheotherendoftheline.
“Baba?”
“Letsleepingdogslie,jaan.”
“Butifyoujust—”
“Welethergo.Sheleft.Thereisnothingwecando.”
Baba’stonehadturnedcurt,andKiranknewnottopushthetypicallylevelheadedmananyfurther.
“Okay.I’mthinkingofyouguys.”
“We’realwaysthinkingofyoutoo.Theoneconsolationwehaveonthisdayisthatyouwillalwaysfollowourrules.”
Kiranclosedhereyes.“Yes,Baba.Always.”
“Goenjoyyourday,Kiran.We’lltalktoyousoon.”
Theclicksounded,andKirandroppedthephoneonthebednexttoher.
“Argh!”shebellowed.
Silenceresoundedback.Shewhippedthecoversoffherself,lettingablastofcoolairhither.
Anyoneup?ShetextedtheCMC.I’minmyheadandIneedtogetout.
Working,cameSonam’sreply.
It’sninea.m.Gobacktobedandsleepitoff.Akashwasanotoriouslateriser.
I’llmeetyouforcoffeeattheStarbucksbymyplaceinanhour,Payalresponded.
“So…whathappenedafter?”Payalaskedwhentheymetup.
KiranhadrecappedthenightlastweekwhensheandNashsatontheroof,tellingherfriendhowhe’dopenedupabouthismotherbutomittingthedetails—itwasn’therstorytotell.
“Wespenttherestofthenighttalking,”Kiransaid.“AbouthowhisfriendBrandon’sfamilyislikehisown.AbouthowhisauntKategotmarriedlaterinlifebecauseshewassoindependent,andalsobecauseshealwayswantedtobearoundforhim.WetalkedabouthowhelovesbrusselssproutsandhowIhatethewaycauliflowersmellswhenit’sboiled.”
“Kiran,tellmesomething.Seriously.Nofilter.DoyouwantNash?Doyoulikehim?”
Puttingitintotheuniverse—sayingitoutloud—wasmorerealthantheverysamequestionKiranhadbeenaskingherselfbeforebed,everytimeshewasabouttoseeNash,andsometimesatrandommomentsduringherday.
Shecouldn’twantNash.Hersisterwasliterallydisownedforfallinginlovewiththemanofherchoosing.Howcouldshebeartomakethesamechoice,knowingwhatconsequenceslayahead—notonlyforherbutforheragingparentswhoonlyhadonechildlefttomaketheirdreamscometrue?
Lovewasdangerous.Andwhilesomecouldarguethatlikewasn’tquitethesameorasriskyandthatperhapsshewasdueforsomefun,Kiranknewbetter.Shewasnearlythirty,readytosettledown,andshedidn’twanttowastehertimeonlike.Ifshewantedanything,itwastolovedeeply—andNashcouldn’tbethatperson.
AndBaba…Hisheartwasalreadyfrailafterfacingtheweightofgivingupachildandyearsoftryingtostayafloat.Sheowedittoherparentsnottoscrewup,nottofallforsomeonedifferent,andinsteadtodoexactlywhatwasexpectedofher.Ifshedidn’t,theresultscouldquiteliterallybreakBaba’sheart.Hetoldherthismorningthathetrustedhertofollowtherules,forGod’ssake.
Buttheideaoffollowingtherules,ofendingupwithsomeonewhodidn’tbreathelifeintoherthewayNashhaddidn’tsettlewithher.
CouldNashbethatperson?
Nashlitsparksinsideher.Therewasanacceptanceinhimforallhertraitsthatshehadn’texperiencedwithanyone.Eventhemenshehadgoneondateswithdidn’tseemquiteasinterestedinher,theireyeswanderingasshespokeofhome,readytomoveontothenextAmericanthingwithoutbeingabletolovewherethey’dcomefrom.Nashdidn’tevenhaveparents,yethewasthankfulaboutthethingshedidhaveandapproachednewexperiencesasonestolearnfrom.Whowouldn’twantthatintheirlives?
Shewasfallingforhimandsheknewit.Andwhileshethoughthemightfeelthesamegrowingsparks,shedidn’tknowforcertain.Certaintyhadalwaysbeensomethingsheneeded.
Despitethestabofdisappointmentattheideathatperhapshedidn’tfeelanythingforher,shecouldn’tignorethehopeitinspiredtoo.Itwouldmakelifesomucheasier.Therewouldbenoconfusion.
“Kiran…you’reinadifferentgalaxy.”PayalsnappedherfingersinfrontofKiran’sface.
“Sorry.”Sheblinkedacoupleoftimes.
“Tellme.”
“Youknow,Isharedwithhimthatwehadlistsofthingstodo,andhe’stheonewhoencouragedmetoaddtomine.”
“And?”
“Hewroteonetoo.Andweendedupexpandingthemanddoingthingstogether.”
“Andinthattime,inthosemomentswhenyouweretickingoffthingsyou’dalwayswantedtodobutneverhadthecourageortimeorgutstodo,didyoulookathimandthinkthathe’dmakeagoodpersontokeeptryingnewthingswith?Like…love?”
“Therewereotherfour-letterwordsinvolved.”
Payallaughed.“Ihope‘fuck’wasoneofthem.”
NowitwasKiran’sturntogiggle.“Notquiteinthecontextyou’rethinking.Morelike‘Fuck,whatamIdoing?’”
“Andwhatareyougoingtodo?Anddon’tsay‘WhatcanIdo?’becausethat’sacop-out.Youdohaveoptions.Youdon’twanttoseethem.”
“Payal,ifItellhimIlikehim,thenI’mfucked.IfIdon’t,myheartgrowsmoreburdenedwithkeepingittomyself.”
“Thenunburdenit…anddon’tworrysomuchaboutthefuture.You’reworryingwhathappensifyoufallinloveandgetmarried.You’rethinkingtwelvestepsahead.”
“That’swhatIdo.”
“Iknow.I’mremindingyoutostaypresent.”
“How?”
“Seewhereitgoes.Worrylater.Seehowthisplaysout.Whetherhefeelsthesame…Iwagerhedoes,butguysarefunny,sospendtimewithhim.Youmightnoticehe’sworthfightingfor…andifheisn’t,thenhewasn’tmeantforyou.”
Itseemedsosimplewrappeduplikethat.Anddespiteherguttellingherthatshewasamess,Kirantriedtobelieveitwas.
Aweeklater,Kiranstretchedoutatherdesk.She’dspentherSaturdaymorningattheoffice,tyingupsomelooseendsfromtheweek,andherstomachgavearumbleresemblingasmallearthquake
“Yikes,”shemumbledtoherself.
HerfavoriteIndianrestaurantwasinMidtown,andshecouldstopthereforabrunchspecial,buthertastebudswerecravingsomethingdifferenttoday.Theweatherwasabalmyeightydegrees,andshedidn’twanttowasteaminuteofsunshinebeinginsideforanylongerthanshehadto.
Hitwithanidea,shewonderedifanyoftheCMCwasfreetomeetbutrealizedthatSonamwasatthehospital,PayalwasflyingbacktoLondontospendalongweekendwithhergrandmother,andAkashhadhissister’sKathakdancerecitaltoattend.
Nash.
Hisnamecametomindlikeaflashoflightning.Shehadpromisedhimgoodfood.It’dbeenaweeksincetheyspentthenightontheirroofdeck,andasmuchasshedidn’twanttoadmitit,shemissedhim.
Kiran:Onascaleof1to“Iatemyarmthreehoursago,”howhungryareyou?
Nash:Hey,stranger!Longtime,notalk…andmystomachisgrowling.Why?
Kiran’sheartfeltwarmathisgreeting.
Kiran:Smorgasburg?
Nash:Gesundheit?
Kirandidn’tseethatreactioncoming,andsheburstoutlaughing.
Kiran:It’sthefoodfestivalthathappenseverySaturdayinBrooklyn.It’sonmylist.Wanttogo?
Nash:Sold.
Kiran:Meetyouthereinanhour?
Uponhisagreement,Kiranpackedupherbagandmadeastopattherestroomtocheckherappearance.Shehardlyevercametotheofficewithoutdressingappropriatelyandhavingadashofmakeupon.Theworkenvironmentautomaticallymadeherfeelasthoughsheneededtobeprofessionalatalltimes,evenontheweekends.
Shepulledahairbrushfromherbagandgentlyranitthroughherhair,smoothingitoutwithatinybitofcoconutoilfromthebottleshecarried.Sheglossedoverherlipswithanude-tintedbalmandtuckedherwhiteshirtintoherflowingsummerskirtcrisplybeforeheadingtowardtheelevator.
Twosubwayrideslater,shewaswaitingforNashattheiragreed-uponmeetingspotinthemiddleofagiantcrowd.ItseemedlikeallofManhattanhadthesameideaasshedid.
“ThereareprobablymorepeopleherethanliveinallofNashville.”Sheheardachucklefrombehindher.
“Nash!”Withoutthinkingtwice,shewrappedherarmsaroundhisneckandpulledhimcloseforahug.
“Hi!Thanksforinvitingme.Thiswasagreatidea!”
“Itlookslikehalfthecityishere.It’sbeenagessincewe’veseenthishappen.”
Scentsoffoodfromvariouspartsoftheworldwaftedthroughtheair,makinghermouthwater.Indian.Ethiopian.Colombian.Spanish.Persian.Everycorneroftheworldwasrepresented.
“SoshouldItryIndianfoodhere?”Nashasked.
Kiranconsideredit.“No…we’llsavethatforaspecialoccasion.Butlet’stryeverythingelse!”
“DoIwantafriedspaghettidoughnut?”
“Don’tknockituntilyoutryit.Thosethingsaresurprisinglygood.”
“Wow,youreallyareafoodie,aren’tyou?”
“Whatever.Agirlshouldhaveagoodappetitetodoallshedoes.”
“Okay,Ican’tdisagreethere.”Nashputhishandsupinsurrender.
“Iguesstastingallthesedifferentcuisinesismywayofexploringtheworldandfulfillingchildhooddreams.”
“Youdidn’thavealotofvarietyinIndia?”
“Well,youhavetorememberIgrewupinaruralareawhenIwasyoung,andbackthen,therewasn’tquiteasmuchglobalization.Indo-Chinesefoodwasn’tunusual,butourfamilycouldn’taffordit,andeverythingelsedidn’tbecomepopularuntiltheinternethitandtheworldgotsmaller.”
“Ineverthoughtaboutthat.I’vealwaysbeenusedtohavingallthesedifferentthingsatmyfingertips…thoughwecouldn’treallyaffordtoeatoutmuch,andIwasafree-lunchkid.”
“Afree-lunchkid?”Kiranfrowned.
“Yes,itmeansyoufallbelowacertainincomelineandtheschoolgivesyoufreelunchesandsometimesbreakfasts.”
“Wow.InIndia,ifyoucouldn’taffordcertainthings,youjustdidn’tgotoschool.Iwasluckywemadeendsmeet,buttherewereplentyofchildrenwhoneverattended,especiallyinvillages.”
“It’ssadthatit’ssodifferentbetweencountriesand,atthesametime,notdifferentatall.”
“Womenandchildrenareoftenthevictimsofsocietalfailures,right?”
Nashnodded.
“Well,nowthatI’vethoroughlysucceededinmakingthisadepressingday…wanttoeat?”Kiranasked.
Nashthrewhisheadbackandlaughed.“Trustme,youaretheleastdepressingperson.You’reon.”
TheirworldtourbeganwithEthiopiaandendedwithall-Americanicecream.NashevenallowedKirantopayforhalfthestalls,placingordersatmostofthembasedonherrecommendation.Shewassurehe’dlearnedfromthelasttimethey’dgonetodinner.
“Here,”hesaid,handingheracookie-doughicecreamconeandholdinghisownchocolatebrownie.
Asshetookit,herfingertipsbrushedagainsthishand.Theyclosedaroundthecone,butNashdidn’tmovehishand.Theireyeslocked,andtheheatfromhisbodyfeltlikeshe’dsprungafever,despiteholdingicecream.
Herbreathstuckinherthroat.Andwhenhereleasedherhand,itsuckedbackintoherlungsinonefellswoosh.
Kirancouldfeelthetingleshelefttherelongaftertheyfoundapicnictable.
“Ugh…”Kirangroaned.“Ican’tfinishthis.”
Shepulledtheicecreamawayfromherlipsandsetherhandonthetable,feelingnauseated.Shehadgottenthroughpreciselyhalftheicecreambeforecallingitquits.
“I’llfinishit.”Nashtooktheconeandlickedit.
Kiranspottedhistongueandwonderedwhatelseitcoulddo.Heatroseupherchest.
“Howcanyoueatsomuch?”sheasked,tryingtodistracthermindfromthedirtythoughtsithad.
“Seeingasyou’reafootshorterthanIamandprobablyhalfmyweight,Ifeellikethatquestionanswersitself.”Nashgrinned,polishingoffthelastofthecone.
Theystood,stretchingtoaccommodatethegiantmealsthey’deaten.
“Hey!Firstoff,notafootshorter.I’mfivefour,andyouare,atmost,sixfeettall.Secondly,youarenowherenear250pounds,soquityoursassyattitude.”
“Shouldweprovethattheory?”
“How—what?Nash!”
Beforesheknewit,Nashhadscoopedheroverhisshoulderandstartedwalkingtowardanopenspace.
“Putmedown!”Shegiggled.“Okay,you’veprovenyourpoint!”
“Sayitloud…I’mamonster!”Nashyelledinjest.
“You’reabig,musclymonster!”Shelaughed,herbellyagainsthisshoulder
Hesetherdownandhunchedover,hishandsonhisknees.“Okay,thisbig,musclymonsterisnotstrong.”
Kiranwashunchedovertoobutinmirth.She’dseenPayalactthisopenlyflirtatiouswithguysbefore,butsheneverthoughtshewouldbesocarefreewithsomeone,allowingthemtograbherinpublicandplaywithherasifshewereatoythatcouldbetossedaroundatwill.
Itwasempowering.
Butasshelookedaround,shecaughttheeyeofanauntywearingasari,surroundedbyherfamily.Thedisapprovalontheelderlywoman’sfacewasenoughtomakeKiranfeelshameinbeingsobrazen.Andshehadtowonder,againstherbetterjudgment,whethershewouldfeelasuncomfortableifNashwereIndian.ChapterFifteen
NASH
Kiranhadstoppedmidlaugh,andNashgazedather,observingherseriousfaceandwonderingwhatshewasthinking.Shehadastrongnose,sortoflikethoseRomanstatuesthathe’dseeninbooks.Herjawlinewassquareunderneathlipsthatweredelicateagainstherotherfeatures,balancingthemout.Hermouthfellintoapoutwhenhersmilefaded,liketheduckfacegirlssometimesposedwithinphotographs,exceptthatsheneverputanyeffortintoit.
Hadhecrossedaline?Again?
Shehadseemedcomfortable,andhisplayfulactionsweresomethinghe’dneverthoughttwiceaboutbeforewithothergirlfriendsorgirlfriends.
“Youokay?”
Shejumped.“ItotallyhadagirlmomentwhereIwonderedifIturnedoffmycurlingiron!”
“Youburnedyourapartmentdown,didn’tyou?”HeknewKiranwasthetypetotriple-checkwhethershe’dturnedoffherappliances.
“NobigdealifIdid.”Sheshrugged.“Imean,it’sonlyeverysingleoneofmypossessionsI’vecollectedsinceImovedtotheUnitedStates.”
“Notabigdealatall.I’dofferyoumyplace,butinthishypotheticalsituation,myapartmenthasburneddownalongwithyours.Goodwork.”
“Guesswe’resharingacardboardboxtogetherthen.”Thereitwasagain.Thattwinkleinhereyethatmadehisheartskipabeat.
HehadavisioninhismindofKiranwearingateeandshortsaroundhiskitchen.Thethoughtofhercurvylegswithherbrownskinexposedturnedhimonunexpectedly.
Kiran’seyesremainedonhisface,andNashimaginedcurrentsflowingbetweenthem.Hequestionedwhetherhewaslosinghismindorwhethershefeltthemtoo.
Thenhermouthcurvedupward,andhisgutlurchedlikeitwastakingavictorylap.
“DoyouwanttowalkacrosstheBrooklynBridge?”Shegesturedinthedirectionofthewaterwithherhead.
“Honestly,ifithelpsmestopfeelingasifI’vegotabellylikeaTeletubby…I’lldoit.”Nashtriedtoexhalebutfeltlikehisentirebodywasstuffedwithspaghettidoughnuts.
“It’sonyourlist.Also,what’saTeletubby?”KiranaskedastheystartedwalkingthroughWilliamsburg.
Nash’smouthdroppedopen.“Pleasetellmeyou’rekidding.”
Theblankexpressiononherfacetoldhimshewasn’t.
“Ohmygosh!Kiran,Ifeellikeyoumissedagiantpartofchildhoodorsomething.”
“IsitlikeSesameStreet?”
“Okay,nowIfeelalittlebetter.Didyouhaveatelevisiongrowingup?”
“Nope.”
“Nowyou’recompletelyoffthehook.TheTeletubbiesarethesecute,awkwardaliencreaturesthatmakeweirdnoisesandtalktochildren.”
Kiranstaredathim.“Thatsoundssocreepy.Idon’tactuallyeverwantmychildrentowatchashowlikethat.”
Nashburstoutlaughing.“Ican’tblameyou.It’smoreofapopculturereferencenowthananythingkidswatch.”
“Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,IlearnedaboutSesameStreetbecauseIscreamedafterbeingaccostedbyElmoinTimesSquare.”
“Thatguyiscreepy!Also,whydoeshechargefivedollarsforaphotograph?”
“ThefactthatyouknowhechargesfivedollarsforaphotographmakesmequestionwhatI’mdoinghangingoutwithyou.”
“Honestly,Iwaswonderingwhyyouhungoutwithmetoo.”
Kiranfinallybroketheirmile-a-minutebanterbygiggling.“Mustbeyourgoodlooks.”
WarmthspreadfromNash’shearttohisextremities.Girlshadtoldhimhewasgood-lookingbefore…Hewassomewhattall,andhewasblessedwithgoodteeth.ButnoneofthosecomplimentshadeverquitereachedhimthewayanoffhandremarkfromKirandid.
Whatisgoingonwithyou,dude?
Brandon’svoicefromtheotherweekrangthroughhismind:IwashavingfununtilImether.
Nashcouldn’tsayforcertainthatlifehadcompletelytransformedsincehemetKiran.Lovedidn’tworkthatquickly,asfarasheknew.Likedidn’tevenworkthatway.ButasmallseedhadbeenplantedinsidehimbyKiran’spresence,onethatpromptedhimtonoticemorebeautyaroundhimandfeelalittlehappier.Thatwasenoughforhimfornow.
Fornow.
“Ilovethisview,”KiranmurmuredastheystoodinthemiddleofthepedestrianwalkontheBrooklynBridge.
HerewasthefamedviewonallthepostcardsofManhattan.ButNashdidn’tthinkanyofthemdiditjustice.Beyondthebrownbrick,thecrowdsofpeople,thetrafficflowingbeneaththem,andthecablescrisscrossinginahatchacrossthearcheswastheeastskylineofthecity.
ThebuildingsonthesouthsideoftheislandremindedNashofanM.C.Escherpainting,staggeredandpiledontopofoneanother.Rooflinesappearedtocollide,andvariousheightsofskyscraperscontrastedagainstoneanother.
OntherightofthebridgewastheEastVillageandbeyond.NashcouldseeRooseveltIsland,withitsfamedtramway.Theriversparkledunderneaththemandontheleftside,theStatueofLibertyraisedherfamousarm,welcominganyonewhowantedtoseeksolacehere.
Whatabeautifuldaytobealive.
“You’recaptivated,”Kiransaidattheobservationofhisopenmouthandwideeyes.
Captivatedwasright.Kiran’shairblewwildlyinthecrosswinds,andherskingleamedgoldenunderthesun.Shewashalfstormandhalfsanctuary,andNashdidn’tknowintowhichhewantedtosail.ChapterSixteen
KIRAN
“AllI’vewantedisIndianfoodforthelastfourdays,”SonamsaidastheCMCloungedaboutherlivingroomandwentoverthecollectionoftakeoutmenusshekeptinherodds-and-endsdrawer.
“AllyouhadtodowasaskandIwouldhavecomeovertomakesome,”Kiransaid.
“No,notlikeyours…bad-for-youIndianfood.YoumakeIndianfoodwithlighteroilandnocream.”
“I’mtryingtobehealthy!”
“Exactly.Sometimeswhatyouneedisn’twhat’sgoodforyoubutwhat’sabsolutelyterribleandmakesyouhappy.”
“Oh,hey,kindoflikeNash,”Payalpointedout.
AkashgazedatKiran,whoremainedsilentbutglaredinturnatPayal.
“Arewenotgoingtoaddressthehippointheroom?”heaskedafterafewseconds.
“It’san‘elephant,’”Kirancorrected.
“Wow,soit’sanevenbiggerissuewe’renottalkingabout,huh?”
Smart-ass
ThethreeofthemstaredatKiran,whosecheeksheatedupandfistsbunchedunderthescrutiny.
“What?”shesaid.
Itwaslikeeachadmission,eachtimeshesaidNash’snameoutloud,shewaslosingmorecontroloverthesituation…overherself.
“Okay,I’mhangry,soyoucanblamethebluntnessonthat,butarewereallygoingtodancearoundthis?You’reactinglikeit’snotabigdealbut,Kiran,youhavebarelyhungoutwithfriendsoutsideofus.Yougotohappyhourssometimeswithpeoplefromwork,butwe’rethepeopleyou’veallowedclosesttoyou.Andnow,herecomesthisdudewhoyou’rehangingoutwithallthetime.Youcan’targuethatattheveryleast,somethingabouthimisdifferentenoughthatyou’relettinghimintoyourcircle.”
Kirancouldn’tdenythat.Shefrowned.
“Ican’tlikehim—”
“Youalreadysaidyoudid,”Sonamcutin.
“No,Ididn’t—”
“YoutoldPayal.Don’tdenyit.Shetoldus.”
KiranturnedonPayal,throwingherhandsuptoask,Whatthefuck?
“Hey,normally,friendcodewins.”Payalshrugged.“Butyoudidn’thavetosayasingleword.Yourfacesaysitallrightnow.SoIsaywithalltheloveintheworld,don’tpinthisonmytraitorousbehaviorwhenyou’relookingforanout.”
Kiransighed.Herfistsballedupinherlap.Herinsidestwistedasthoughtheywerebeingphysicallywrenchedintwodifferentdirections.
“Idolikehim,”shesaid.“That’snotthequestion.It’sjust…IfeellikeI’mlosingmymindsometimes.We’rekindofflirtatiousandwehaveaspark—andeverytimeIgetclosetohim,it’slikethislittlelightgoesoffinmyheadandsirensscreechthathe’ssupposedtobeafriendandnothingmore.”
“Thendosomethingaboutit,”saidAkash.“Tellhimyoulikehim.”
“Ithinkyou’rewastingyourtime,”Sonamsaid.
Theyturnedtoher.
“Kiran,hedoesmakeyouhappy.Anyfoolcanseethat.Butisitworthit?Yourparentsareyourparents,andthey’vebeenthroughsomuch.Youallhave.Pouringgasolineonthefireisonlygoingtoburnyouall.”
Kiran’sreactionszippedfromunderstandingtoirritation.IrrationalangerfilledheratthethoughtofgivingupNashandthemeresuggestionthatperhapssheshouldtakethepathofleastresistance.
Butthenhermindflewtowardunderstanding…becauseSonamwasright.Herfamilyhadbeeneverythingtoherfortwenty-eightyears.She,Baba,andMahadheldthemselvesupasaunit,likelegsonastool,alwayspreventingeachotherfromtiltingoverandshattering.
“Ithinkyoureyesactuallyjustcrossed.”Akashraisedaneyebrowather.“Don’thurtyourself.”
“Shutup,Akash,”Payalsaid.“Bemoreempathetic.”
Akashrolledhiseyes.“Kiran,you’resmart.LiterallyoneofthesmartestpeopleI’veevermet.You’renotgoingtomakethewrongchoice.ButIdon’tthinkit’sachoicerightnow.Ithinkyoucanseeifhefeelsthesamewayandfigureitoutonestepatatime.I’vegotyourback,whateverwayyoudecidetogo.”HeturnedtoPayal.“Better?”
Kiransmiled,thoughherheartstillfelttorn.
“We’llsupportyou…butIthinkyouneedtothinkaboutit,”Sonamamended.“Notbecausehe’sabadguyoryou’reirresponsible.Butbecauseit’ssoeasytogodownthisroadinblissandnotcatchyourselfuntilyou’vereachedatoughsituation.”
Itwasn’tlikeKiranhadn’tthoughtaboutitherself—butonehadatendencytothinktoomuchwhentheywereinasituation.Shewantedvalidationfromherbestfriendsthatshewasn’toverthinkingtheentirething,butitseemedlikeshewasn’tthinkingenoughaboutit.
“Okay,sowekeepframingNashwithinthecontextofyourfamily,butwhataboutyou,Kiran?Whatdoyoulikeabouthim?Whatmakeshimdifferent?”Payalasked.
Kirangnawedonherbottomlip,pensive,forafewsecondsbeforeshespoke.“WhenNashandImetinthelobbythatday,heseemedlost.Likethecitywastoobigforhim.Likeheknewhowimmensetheworldwasandhewastoosmallforit.Iknowthatsoundssocrazytosenseinsomeoneyoumetfivesecondsago,butitwaslikeIrecognizeditinmyselftoo.AndinthetimethatI’vegottentoknowhim,it’slikehe’sacornerofmylifethatIgottochooseformyself.Ididn’tthinkaboutanybodyelse.Invitinghimtochaiandalltheresultanthangoutsafterthathavefeltasthoughtheyweremychoices.Theyweredecisionsmadeforme,notforanyoneelse.AndIlikedseeingthatsideofmyself.I’venevergottentobefore,notonthislevel.”
“Thereisabigsenseoffreedomwhenyoufinallystopapologizingforwhatyouwant,”Payalsaid.
“Butatwhatpointdoesthatbecomeadetrimentifithurtseveryonearoundyou?”Sonamcountered.
“IwishIhadananswer.”Kiranshrugged.
“Justbecareful,”Sonamsaid.
“Ifyou’dlikemyadvice,I’dsaysoonerratherthanlater,you’llhavetoeithertellhimhowyoufeeloropenlysetyourlimits.Youdon’twanttohurthimeither,”Akashsaid.“Ifhe’shangingoutwithyouthismuch,youprobablymeansomethingtohimtoo,andyoudon’twantsignalstogetcrossed.”
“Ithinkyoushouldgoforit,”Payalsaid.“Youdon’tdothesethingsoften,andyouhavementionedthatthisisempoweringforyou.”
“Youguysrealizeyoujusttoldmethreedifferentpiecesofadvice,right?”Kirangaveasmalllaugh.
“Obviouslymineisthebest,”Akashsaid.
Theothertworolledtheireyes.
KiranshookherheadasSonamfinallypickedoutatakeoutmenuforanearbyIndianplaceandtheyallbeganchoosingtheirorders.
Ifthisconversationwasmeanttobringclarity,ithaddonetheexactopposite.Sonamwasright:herfamilywasalwaysfirstpriorityandwouldremainthatway.ButPayalwasn’twrongeither;wasn’tmakingachoiceforyourselfasignofgrowingup?
AndAkashhadbroughtupNash’sfeelings.KiranwasjabbedbythethoughtofhurtingNashifhedidfeelthesamewayshedid.
Thenagain…shedidn’tknow.
Shegroanedinwardly,vaguelylisteningtoSonamrecappinganewsarticleshe’dreadtheotherday.She’dhavetostaythecourse.Whentherightmomentcame,she’dhavetotrustsheandNashwouldfigureitout.
Sheonlyhopeditwouldbesoon.ChapterSeventeen
NASH
Ihaveanewadventureinmind!NashtextedKiranafterworkacoupleofdaysafterSmorgasburg.
Kiran:Okay,let’shaveit!
Nash:IwanttoseeNewYorkfromabove
Kiran:Didyougrowwings?
Nashchuckled.Hecouldhearherdubiousvoiceinhismind,whichonlypromptedhimtocontinuetexting.
Nash:WannagotoTopoftheRock?
Kiran:IwasabouttosaynoifyouaskedtogotoOneWorldObservatory…tootouristyafterthedayI’vehad.ThoughTopoftheRockiskindoftouristytoo,Iguess…butit’sonyourlist,soyes,let’sgo!
Nash:I’mfullofsurprises.Andquitcomplaining.I’llmeetyouinfrontofthebuildinginanhour.
HetookthesubwayfromthehospitaltoRockefellerCenter,spottingKiraninthecrowdinstantly.
Shewaswearingapinkcottondresswithawhiteshawldrapedoverherdelicateshoulders.Herflats,thesamecolorasherskin,madeherlegslookliketheybelongedonarunway,andNashhadtopryhiseyesawayfromthem.
“Howdoyoualwaysbeatmetowhereverwe’remeeting?”
“Superpowers,”sheanswered.Then,“Iworktwoblocksaway,remember?”
“Superpowersdefinitelysoundedcooler.”
“Shutup!”
“Youready?”
“Ialwayswantedtogoice-skatinghere,”Kiranremarkedasshegesturedtothegiantspacewheretheice-skatingrinkwouldbelitupovertheholidays.
“Isn’tthatthemosttouristythingever,anddidn’tyousayalittlewhileagothatyou’remorallyagainstthat?”
“Okay,firstoff,waytotakemywordsoutofcontext.I’mnotmorallyagainsttourism.Ididn’tfeellikegoingtoOneWorldObservatorytoday,that’sall.There’sadifference.”
“AndhowisskatingatRockefellerCenterduringChristmasanydifferent?”
“BecauseIdidn’tgrowupwithit.”
“Soit’stheequivalentoftouristmacaroniandcheese?”Hechuckled.“Youdidn’thaveitandthereforeyoumustindulgeinit?”
Shelaughed,seeminglydelightedthathe’drememberedherexplanationforlovingsomethingsasmuchasshedid.“Yes.Yes,itis!”
TheysteppedintotheelevatoruptoTopoftheRockafewminuteslater.Nashgrewmoreandmoreexcitedwitheachdingoftheelevator,hopingthattonightwouldbeasmagicalasthelastfewoutingshadbeen.
Thedoorsopened,andasheandKiransteppedoutontotheplatform,shegasped.
“Wow.Thisis…”
“Everything.”Nashcouldn’tfindanotherwordtodescribewhathewasseeing.
AsoftsmileplayedatKiran’slipsasshewalkedtothebarrier,andNashfollowed.TheystaredatMidtown,glowingwithshiftinglightsandskyscrapers.Fromuphere,itseemedtheycouldseethewholeworld.EventheEmpireStateBuildinglookedattainabletothemassesandlesslikethereigningsymbolofthecity.
Thetemperaturewasafewdegreescoolerthanitwasatstreetlevel.KiranshiveredandthetremorinherarmspressedupagainstNash’s,promptinghimtolookdownather.
“Wantmyshirt?”
“WhileI’msuretheladiesherewouldbeimpressedwithyoursix-pack,youshouldprobablystayclothed,”shereplieddryly.
Nashgaveheranexasperatedeyeroll.“Ihaveashirtonunderneath.Here.”
Deftlypullingtheshirtoverhisheadandtuggingtheteeunderneathintoplace,hetookherstubbornhandsandputtheHenleyinthem,raisinganeyebrowtochallengeherbubblingprotest.
Shegaveup.
“Okay.Thankyou.”
“Thankyoufornotfightingit.”
“Iwasn’tgoingtofightit!”
“Andwe’reback,ladiesandgentlemen.”
Kirangiggled.“MaybeIjustlikefightingwithyou.”
“MaybeIlikethatyoudo.”
Hisgazelingeredonherfaceforasecondlongerthaniteverhadbefore.Hereyesremainedlockedonhistoo,beforeavisibleshiverrippledthroughherbody.
“Here.Forreal.You’recold.Putiton.”Hehelpedherpullitoverherhead,andashishandslightlytrailedoverhershoulders,herbodyquiveredagain.
Kiranpeekedupathim,andNash’skneeslostsomeoftheirstability.Herenormouseyeswerefilledwithvulnerability,butwhenshepeeredupathimfromunderneathablanketofeyelashes,therewasasteelysultrinessthatNashcouldn’tescapefrom.
Sheleanedinclose,andherwarmbreathtouchedhisskin,sendingshiversdownhisspine.
Heturnedhishead,achinglyslow,towardher.Nashcouldsmellherperfume,anintensemixofvanilla,patchouli,andjasmine,anditwasintoxicating.Hewasdrawntowardherlikeamothtotheflame.
“Youhaveanaudience,”shemurmuredagainsthisear.“Don’tlooknow.”
Hewassoshockedbytheturninconversationandthewayshemadehisbodyreactthatheglancedinthedirectionshewaspointingimmediately.
Whenhisgazefelluponthem,agroupofyounggirlswidenedtheireyesandlaughed.Oneflippedherhair.Hesmiledatthemreflexively,andoneblushedbeforeheturnedbacktoKiran.
“Wow,Isaid,‘Don’tlook,’andyouhadtodoit,didn’tyou?”
“Theywere,like,twelve.Imuchpreferwomenclosertomyage.”Nashtookadeepbreathtostabilizehimself,buthislungsstillfeltlikethey’dbeensappedofanyoxygen.
“I’llbesuretoletyouknowifthere’samidtwentieswomanworthyourattentionaround.”
“I’mlookingatone.”
Shewhippedherheadtoglanceathim,herlipspartedinaperfectO.
“Nash—”
Hedidn’tknowwhatshewasgoingtosay,buthearinghisnameonherlipswaslikeshe’dcastaspelloverhisentirelife.ChapterEighteen
KIRAN
Abeatflewbywhereshewantedtosprintintohisarmsandpressherlipsagainsthis.Butinsteadshestoodthere,staringathim.
“Checkitout.TheEmpireStateisdifferentcolors.”Hepointed.
Theairaroundthemsuckedbackintoherlungs,andthepeoplearoundthemsnappedintofocus,makingtheirpresenceknownallofasuddenwiththeirbuzzingwordsandlaughter.
“Oh…What…Yeah!Itdoesthat.”Shetriedtorecoverquickly,butherheartsimultaneouslycalmedandfell.Itreturnedtoasteadybeatatthepassingconversationbutfellforreasonsshecouldn’texplain.Likedisappointmentbutdeeper…andnotquitereachingthelevelofheartbreak.
Instead,shewatchedthecitylightsbeneathher.Herminddrifted,asitalwaysdid,toallthelivesthatcouldbechangingwithintheglowingexpanse.Toherparents.Towhattheworldwaslike“downthere”versusuphere,andhowshefeltremoved.
“What’reyouthinking?”Nashwhisperedinherear.
“Bigthings,”shemurmured.
Theirshouldersbrushedagainsteachother.Nashleanedonhiselbows,setagainsttherailing.Kirankeptherclaspedhandsagainstherchestasshepushedagainsttherailingherself.Evenleaning,Nash’sheightwasahairtallerthanKiran’s.
Shegrewawareofhowclosetheywerestanding.AnyonewhosawthemwouldknowtheyweretogetherandthattheyweretheonlyonesattheRockthatnightintheirpartyoftwo,abubbleoftheirown.Shelikedhowsheimaginedtheylookedtogether,herduskyskinnexttohiswhite.Sheimaginedsomeonewouldseecomfort,friendship,andahomeofsortswhentheysawthetwoofthemlaughingtogether.Thepicturegaveheranache,ayearningtobethegirlinapairwhocouldpromptanyone’sgaze.
“Tellme.”
“Citylightsmakemehappy.”
“Why’sthat?”
“Theenormityofit.Itneverfades.We’reuphereandwatchingtheselights,andmillionsofpeopleareoutthere.Someonecouldbehavingtheirheartbrokenrightnow.Someonecouldbehavingababy—”
“Someonecouldbefindingtheloveoftheirlife,”Nashinterruptedquietly.
Shesmiledtoherself.“Exactly.”
“Doyoubelieveinsoulmates?”
Hewaslookingoutattheexpanseinfrontofthem,thelightsreflectinginhiseyesandaddingaglinttohisalreadyexistingmischief.Kirangazedathissquareforehead,disruptedbyasmallwidow’speak.Theoutlineofhisfacegraduallydroppedintohisnose—straight,strong,andbiggerfromthesidethananyonewouldnoticefromthefront—anddelicatelyledtoathinnerupperlipandfullerbottomone.Hisjawwassquarebutdelicatelyso,givinghimahumanedgetothemarblestatuesquevibeheexudedotherwise.Hisdimplesandcreasesfromhissmilewerevisibleevenwhenhewasserious.Whatevertheoppositeofarestingbitchfacewas,Nashwastheunknowingownerofit.
Shewaspoisedtosayno,shewasn’tsureaboutsoulmates,butshebelievedindestiny.Thenhelookedoveratherandsmiled.
“Yes.Ido,”shewhisperedback.
Anudgebehindherhearttoldhershewasstaringathers.
“Metoo.”
“Idon’tknowthatIbelieveinonethough.”
“Yeah?Whatdoyoumean?Likethere’smorethanonepersonoutthereforyou?”
“Likeasoulmatedoesn’thavetobeintheformofalover.IwouldconsidermybestfriendsAkash,Sonam,andPayaltobemysoulmates,buttheyaren’tpeopleI’ddate.Ithinksoulmatesunderstandyouinatranscendentway.Theyexperienceyourworstwithyouratherthansolelybearingwitnesstoit.Theyflywithyouwhenyousoarratherthanwatchingyourwings.”
“Hallmarkcard?”Nashteased.
“Archies,”Kiranansweredwithadeadpantone,namingtheIndianequivalent.
“IhavenoideawhatthatisandnowIfeelreallystupid.”
“Nowyouunderstandwhatit’sliketobemetryingtokeepupwitheveryone’sreferences.”
Helaughedattheirdigressionbeforeturningseriousagain.“Somultiplesoulmates.”
“Ithinkso.Howaboutyou?”
“Ibelievesomethingsimilar…thatyouconnectwitheveryoneyoumeet.ButIthinksometimesyoufallinlovewithsomeonemoredeeplythanyouhavebefore,andyoucan’texplainwhyorhow.Theybreakthroughyourdefensesandcreateahomewithinyou,andnoonecaneveroccupyitagain.”
“That’sabeautifulwayofsayingit.”
“Really?BecauseIthoughtitwasalittlehokey.”
“Never.Therehastobeaplantoitall,youknow?Destiny.Fate.Ifinditdepressingtothinkthingsweren’tmeanttobeacertainway,becauseitmeanswe’vemadechoicesandendedupthereallonourown.That’salonelythought.”
“Iagree.Thedotsconnecteventually…atleastthat’swhatI’dliketothink.I’veneverreallybeeninlove—firstloves,crushes,thingslikethatbutneverthekindofconnectionIhopeexistsoutthere.”
Shedidn’twanttoruinthemomentandmentionshewassupposedtohaveasemi-arrangedmarriage.Bringingitupwouldonlyleadtomorequestions,andthewistfulnessofthismomentwouldbelost.Kiranwasn’treadyforthat.Andexplainingthepracticalityofanarrangedmarriagewouldtarnishtheideaofsoulmatesanddestiny.Kiranbelievedwithallherheartthatwhoevershewastomarrythroughanarrangedmatchwasalsoaproductofdestiny,buttheintertwiningoflogicanddestinywasn’tasromanticasbelievingthatonepersonexistedforherandthatsomehow,somewhere,hewouldfindher.
“You’vekindofgrownonme,youknow.”Kiranbumpedhershoulderagainsthis.
“Youmeanyoudidn’tlovemeatfirstsight?”
“Idon’tbelieveinloveatfirstsight.”
“Notsurprising.”Nashrolledhiseyes.
“Whydoyousaythat?”
“You’remethodical.You’reanengineer.TypeA.Honestly,youbelievinginsoulmateswasasurprise.”
“Ibelieveinorderandthatyouhavetokeepalevelhead.Butsometimes…youhavetobelieveinsomethinggreaterthanyou.I’dliketothinkGodhasaplanforme,andevenifthatsoulmateissomeoneImeetinanunderstatedway,thattheyweremeantforme.Butloveatfirstsight…it’slustful.It’sjustyoufallingforsomeone’slooks.That’snotdestinyorfate;that’syouthinkingwithpartsofyourbodyotherthanyourhead.”
“Well…oneofthem,anyway.”
“Nash!”Kirantriedtobeuptightabouthisdirtyimplication,butshecouldn’thelpthesnortoflaughter.
“It’strue!ThoughIdon’tbelieveinloveatfirstsighteither.”
“So…you’veneverbeeninlove,huh?”Sheprobed,wantingtoknoweverything.
“Acoupleoftimes.Butnotaforeverlove.Doesthatmakesense?”
“Yeah.Itdoes.”
KirantriedtorememberwhatshefeltlikewithVinay,hercollegesweetheart,butshecouldn’tsortoutwhethershe’dfeltloveorobligationwithhim.Itcertainlyfeltlikeloveatthetime.Butshedidn’tfeelafirewithhim.Diditstillqualify?
“Haveyou?”
“Idatedsomeonethroughmostofcollege.Hewasmyfirst,”sheadmitted.
“Oh,soyoudohaveascandalousside,KiranMathur!”Nashlaughed.
“Down,boy.Iwasn’tthatwild!”
“Notlove?”
“Itwasfirstlove.Notforever.”
Theyhadn’tmovedaninchastheytalkedofbeingmeantforsomeone.Theirtonesweresohushed,theyhadtoleanagainsteachothertohear.TheintimacyofbeingtheonlygirlNashwasfocusingonfilledKiranwitharushshecouldn’tdescribe.Andwhileshehadneverexperiencedatrue,foreverlove,astheychatteredoverthelightsoftheskylinethatnight,shesuddenlyfeltasthoughmaybeshedeservedto.
***
Thefunnythingaboutlivingincitieswheretherewerefamoussightswasthatnativesneverreallywenttothem…ortheyweredraggedthereaschildren,gotsickofthem,andnevervisitedagainasadultsunlesstheyweretakingguests.
KiranhadtraveleduptothetopoftheEmpireStateBuilding.She’dmadeavisittotheStatueofLibertytoseethegatewaytothenationshe’djoined.She’dcheckedoutTimesSquaremorethanshecouldhandle.CentralParkhadreceivedherfootfallsplenty,witheachvisitshowinghersomethingnewaboutnatureinthemiddleofaconcretejungle
Butsomethinghadshifted.Shefoundherselfgooglingsomeoftheothersightsinthecity.
KiranthoughtbacktothefactthatNashmissedtheSouthsometimesandthattheybothhadexperiencedsometypeofloss.Sometimes,shewonderedwhathe’dthinkofarestaurantshepassedonthestreetorwantedtotellhimaboutajokeshe’dheardatwork.Occasionally,theyemailedjournalarticlesbackandforthaboutscientificbreakthroughsmadeindiagnostics.
TheinvolvementofNashinherdailylifewasoneofthemostcomfortablethingsshe’deverexperienced.Itwasalsooneofthemostterrifying.
Nomatterhowmuchshewantedtorunfromthenotionthatshegotbutterflieswhenshethoughtofhimorwantedtoputsomespacebetweenthem,shecouldn’t.Thedrawtohimoverwhelmedanyintentshehadtoseparateherself.
Anditwasthatverydrawthathadhertextinghimtoday.
Kiran:Zoothisweekend?
Aminutepassed.
Two.
Five.
Tenminuteslater,Kiranwasstillwaiting.
ShefiguredNashwasbusyatwork.Butshegrewunsettled,uncomfortable,andworse,insecureatthestrangegapintime.
Girlfriend…getagrip,shetoldherselfandimmersedherselfinexaminingsomeoftheresultsfromthebreastcancerstudyherteamwasworkingon.Butshestillfoundherselfcheckingherphonemoreoftenthanusual
Fourhourslater,Nashfinallyresponded.
Nash:Sure,soundsgreat.I’llmeetyoutherearoundnoononSaturday?
OnSaturday,Kiran’smorningsluggedtowardnoon,butshebeganpolishinghercupboardsoutofdesperationtomakethesecondstickbyfaster,andbeforesheknew,itwastimetomove.
Forthefirsttimesincethey’dbegunhangingout,NashhadgottentotheirdestinationbeforeKiran.
“Ah,lookslikemysuperpowersrubbedoffonyou!”sheexclaimedasshegavehimaquickhug.
“Gottabeearlywhenmeetingaprettylady!”Heofferedhisarm.
Shehesitatedforamoment,asthoughhisarmwouldwindaroundherheartandthenshe’dneverletgoofhim,butthenshethoughtbetterofit.Sheputherhandthroughhiscrookedelbow,andtheypaidfortheirticketstogetherbeforeenteringthezooenclosure.
ShenoticedNashtakeadeepbreath.
“Youokay?”
Hisjawremainedclenchedashenodded.“So…whatanimalsdoyouwanttoseefirst?Babysealions?”
“Admitit,thebabysealionsexciteyoutoo.”
“Idon’tthinkanyonecanargueagainstbabyanimalsunlessyou’reheartlessorahorriblehumanbeingallaround.”
Kiranstoppedforamaptoplotouttheirwalk,butbythetimeshehadformulatedaplanandlookedup,Nashwastenstepsahead,waitingattheopeningtothesealiontank.
“SoIthinkIfiguredoutthebestwaytodothis…”
Nashrolledhiseyesandtookthemapoutofherhands.“We’llsortitout.Let’sgo.”
Astheywalkedtowardthesealionpool,Kiranswungherarmsandnearlyskippedatthesightofgiantsealionsloungingintheshadefromthesun.
Theywerelikehumansonaweekend,wantingtochilloutandrelax.
SheandNashpausedatthetank,lettingthescentoffishandsaltwaterwaftoverthem.Thewaterglimmeredunderneaththesun,andchildrensquealedwithdelightateverysmallmovementeachsealionmade,fromayawntothetwitchofawhisker.
Insilence,whenbothofthemhadgottentheirfill,theywentovertotheexhibitforpenguinsandotherbirds.There,theywatchedtheanticsofpenguinsdivinginheadfirst.
Kirangaveashiver,unabletoimaginelivingoniceforanentirelifetime.Thoughstaringatalittlecreaturethatseemedtorelishtheattentionbyswimmingneartheglassanddancingagainstitwithhiswings,perhapsitwasn’tsobad.
“Well,weknowwhichpenguinisthecenteroftheshowathome.”Nashpointedandmimickedhisswiftwingbatting.
“Heseemshappy.”
“Whywouldn’thebe?”
“Idon’tknow.Ilovezoosandanimals,don’tgetmewrong…butIcan’timaginenotbeingfree.Theyspendtheirentirelivesawayfromtheirnaturalhabitat.ThesepenguinsareinalittletankinNewYorkCity.”
Nashputhishandsinhispockets,noddinghisheadasheconsideredit.“Well,it’salltheyknow.Canyoubeunhappyifyoudon’tknowadifferentlifestyleexists?”
“Iwonderifthey’veeverwantedmore.”
Herobservationwasn’tmeanttobetiedtoherlife.Afterall,shewasgazingatlittlebirdsinagianttank.Butshecouldn’thelpwonderingifthenotiondidrunparalleltoherlife.
“Youneverknow.ThatonecouldwantalifeonBroadway.”
“Hedefinitelywouldn’tbeachorusdancer,that’sforsure.”
“Didyouknowpenguinsmateforlife?”
“No,theydon’t.Really?”
“Likeeightypercentofthetime,yeah.Andforsomebreeds,thefatherpenguinholdsontotheeggandkeepsitwarmwhilethemamagoesfishin’.”ThetwangoftheSouthslippedintohisunguardedvoice.
“Ididn’tknowthateither.Didyouknowthatpeacockscangivealittleshimmyandchangetheirvocaltonetoattractfemales?”
Nashchuckled.“Thatcan’tbetrue.”
“Itis,Iswear.Theyjust”—Kiranshookhershouldersandherbottomlikeshewasdoingthechickendance—“andtheirpitchchanges.”
“Canyoudothatdanceagain?I…uh,didn’tcatchitthefirsttime.”
Sheblushed,notevenrealizingshe’dshakenitoutinpublic,butlikeNash’ssouthernaccent,itwasanuninhibitedrarity.
“That’ssucharandomfact.Howdoyouevenknowthataboutpeacocks?”
“I’mfromatropicalcountryandalsofromavillage.Isawthemsometimes.Howdoyouknowthattidbitaboutpenguins,NashfromNashville?”Sheputahandonherwaist.
“IhopedtousethatfactwhenIfoundmypenguin.”Hesmirkednow.
“Ishouldhaveknown.Youdoseemliketheguywhowouldlearnrandomfactstoimpressgirls.”
“Kiran,Idon’tknowwhyyouchoosetohurtmethatway,”hedeadpanned.
“Whatever,”shescoffed.“Likemyopinionmatterstoyou.”
“Maybeitdoes.Youmattertome.Therefore,youropinionmatterstome.”
Herjawwentslack,herbreathescapingherinawhoosh.Coulditbethatshematteredtohimasmuchashematteredtoher?
Theyspentthenexthourwanderingfromexhibittoexhibit,makingstopsatvariousanimals.Kiranhadneverbeensoclosetoatigerbeforeasonelyingsleepingagainsttheglass.Astheycircledthroughthepark,Kiranlaughedharderandharderathisjokes,drunkonhearinghisvoice.Nash’sshouldersfellbackasheeaseduphisguard,thoughKiranneverevenanticipatedhehadonetobeginwith…butashecrackedmorejokesandmadefunofher,shecouldseethatevenhehadawall,paperthinbutexistent,thatpeoplehadtoripthroughbeforeunderstandinghim.
Andthesignificantnudgebehindherhearttoldhershewantedto.ChapterNineteen
NASH
Themoretimetheyspentatthezoo,themoreNashthoughtabouthismother.
WhenKiranhadoriginallymentionedthezoo,backwhentheyhadfirstgonetodinner,hehopedshe’dforgetitdowntheline.
Instead,she’dtextedhimaboutit,andhe’dneededafewhourstoreconcilehisdesiretospendtimewithherwithhischerishedmemoriesthatheheldatbay.Hehadn’tanticipatedsuchavisceralreaction,butthenagain,hehadn’tbeentoazoosincehewentwithMomallthoseyearsago.
Todistracthimself,hemadeKiranlaughandwilledhimselftocontinuetheirbanter,buthehadtoremindhimselfeveryfewexhibitstoshakeofftheweight.Tostaypresent.Toforgetthattherehadatonepointbeenhopeforhimandhismomtogoonandhaveasolidfamilytogether.
AsKiranandNashroundedabend,anadorableanimal,afunnylittlecrossbetweenaraccoon,fox,andbear,restedonabranch,chubbyandcontentwithanaudience.
“Lookathim!He’ssocuteandcuddly.”Kiran’seyeswentround.
“I’mprettysurehe’seyeingupthefemaleoneoverthere.”Nashpointedtoanotherlittlebear,hiddenbeneathsomebrush.
“Oh,shh.”
“Excuseme,miss?”heaskedtheattendantwhowascoaxingaredpandatowardher.“Doyoubreedthemhere?”
“Wewantedtobreedthesetwo,butwedecidedtheyweretooyoung.Plus,hekeptshowinginterestinanolderbear.”ShewaitedforNash’sfollow-upquestion,whichdidn’tcome,andthenturnedbacktothebears,clickingatthemwithhertongue.
Assheturnedaway,NashleanedtowardKiran.“Soundslikemykindofbear.Besides…whenhasbeingyoungeverstoppedanyone?”
“Nash!You’reshameless.”
“I’mstatingthefacts.”
“Youwanttoknowafact?”
“What?”
“Thisislovely.”She’dblurteditoutwithoutanyinhibition.
Hismouthtwitchedandhappinessfloodedhim.
“Doyouwanttocheckoutthegiraffesandrhinos?Ithinkthey’rearoundheresomewhere,butsomeonetookmymap.”Herpointedglaredistractedhimfromthebreaththatcaughtinhisthroat.
“Yeah,let’sgo.”
Hislegswereheavyastheytookthewidepatharoundthebaboonreserve.
Therethegiraffeswere,reachingtheirmajesticneckstowardsometreesinthecorneroftheenclosure.Hesawablacktonguepokeoutofalittlegiraffe’smouth.Nashrolledhisfingersoverhispalm,rememberingthescratchinessofthegiraffe’stongueatthezoowhenhewasachild.
Hesawanemptybenchandwordlesslytookaseat.
Hecouldhavebeenthirteenagain,watchingthegiantbeastsfeedandplay.HewashardlyawareasKiransatnexttohimuntilshetouchedhisarm,makinghimjump.
“Okay…what’swrong?”Hereyesboredintohim.
Heshookhishead.“Nothing.”
Hereyesnarrowed.
Nashlookedathishands.Hewantedtoopenup,buthewasafraidthatifheletthegatesopennow,yearsofholdingbackthefloodwouldfail.He’denduppouringhisheartout.Hewasn’tsurehewasreadyforthat.Hedidn’tknowifKiranwaseither.
“Nash…”Kiran’stonewaspleading.“Tellmewhat’sonyourmind.Doyouwanttoleave?”
ItwastheideaofpartingwayswithKiranearlythatfinallymadehimturnhisfacetowardhersandmeethereye.Hischeeksheatedunderthescrutiny,andheforcedhimselftounlockhismentalvaulttoopenup.
“ThelasttimeIwenttoazoowaswithmymom.Ididn’texpectthememoriesofhertohitmehard,butcominghere…”
“I’msorry.Doyouwanttogo?”
“No.Ilikebeingherewithyou.”Heliftedhischin.Hewouldn’tcrack.Notnow.
“Youcantellmewheneveryou’reready.I’mrighthere,andI’mnotgoinganywhere.”
Secondspassed.Nashtime-traveledmentallytoseventeenyearsago,onasummerdayinNashville.
“Giraffeswereherfavorite…andrhinosweremine.”Itseemedlikesuchalameexplanation,buthecouldn’tstartatthebeginningandcasuallyunloadtheweightonhisshoulders.Hehadtoliftthepiecesoffbitbybit,andMom’sfaceasshewatchedthegiraffeswasthefirsttinybithecouldletgoof.
“Somehow,Idon’tfindthatsurprising.”Kirangrinned.
“ThezoowasoneofthefewgoodmemoriesIhadofher.”Helaughedunexpectedly.“IremembershekeptmentioningthatifIhadagirlfriend—becauseIwasthirteenandstartingtogetintogirls—she’dhaveaheartattack.”
“Thatmusthavebeenafunconversation.”
“FromwhatIcanrecall,Iwantedtobeeatenbyalion.”
Kirangiggled.“She’dbeproudofyou,youknow.”
“Yeah.Ihopeso.”
Kirantookhisfaceinherhandsandrestedherforeheadonhis.Thetouchofherskinwassoothing,thewayawarmcompresscalmedaheadache.Hisheartsettledintoaregularrhythmratherthanfightingtobeatasthoughaweightweredraggingitdown.Evenhisbreathingbecameeffortless.
AndtheunusualdisplayofaffectionfromKiran—whenshealwaysbecamedefensiveafteranycontact—replacedhissadnesswithsurprise.
“Iwantyoutolistentome,”Kiranmurmuredagainsthim.“Youhaveovercomesomanyimpossiblethings.Anabsenteefather.Amotherwhohadaproblem.Notmuchmoney.Andyou’rehere,aneducated,brilliant,funny,andsexy-as-hellman.You,NashHawthorne,aren’tjustsomeonewhobeattheodds.Youareasuperheroineverysenseoftheword.”
Hecouldhavekissedher.Ifheclosedtheinchesbetweentheirfaces,itwouldhavebeeneasytogentlytouchhislipstohersandconveyalltheexplosivefeelingsKirancreatedinsidehim.
Butinstead,heclosedhiseyesandallowedhimselftobreatheherin.Justlikehehadfeltallthoseyearsago,sittingonabenchinfrontofaherdofgiraffes,hewassafe.ChapterTwenty
NASH
“Soareyougoingtotellmewhat’sonyourmind,ordoIhavetowrestleitoutofyoulikeIdidintheninthgradewhenyouhadacrushonmygirlfriend?”
“What’reyoutalkingabout?”Nashcouldn’tdisguisehissmile.
HeandBrandonweresittingataStarbucksafterwork.Nash’sminddriftedtoKiranoften,despitehisattemptstostaypresent.JudgingbytheexpressiononBrandon’sface,hiswanderingthoughtswereevidenttoanyoneandeveryonearoundhim.
“It’stheIndiangirl,isn’tit?”
“Forbeingsuchamoron,howdoyoualwaysfiguremeout?”
“Areyoubeingseriousrightnow?YourememberIwasaroundduringyourdisastrouseffortathidingthefactthatyoulikedmycousin,right?”
“Whatever,dude.Wedon’ttalkaboutthat.”Hedidn’tneedareminderofhowBrandon’scousinMarleyhadtreatedhimlikeherownbutlerandhow,inhisbesottedstate,Nashhadallowedherto.
“Okay,well,thenlet’stalkaboutthisgirl.Itsoundslikethingshaveescalatedsinceyourfriendlydinner.”
“Ifellforher.We’vehungoutalmosteveryweekendforthelastthreeorfourmonths.”
“Iknewit!”
NashchuckledatBrandon’senthusiasm.“Actually,itwassomethingyousaidaboutTashathatmademerealizeKiranmightbemorethanafriend.”
“What’sthat?”
“Youmentionedthatyoufeltlikeyou’dbeenplayingarounduntilsheshowedup…andIsortoffeltthesamewayaboutmylife.LikeI’dneverletanyoneinuntilher.Imean,besidesyouandKate.”
“Didyoutellheraboutyourparents?”BrandongaveNashaknowinglook.
Nashnodded.“Wewenttothezoo,actually—”
“That’sbig.Youalwaysskippedanyclasstripsthere.”
“IguessIwantedtosaveanymemoryofspendingtimewithmymomtherebeforeshedied,andafterward,Icouldn’tbringmyselftogo.”
“Soyouwenttothezooand…”
“IthitmeahellofalotharderthanIthoughtitwould,man.IthoughtI’ddealtwithallofitandcometotermswithmyhistory,becauseIfiguredeveryonewasatpeaceanditgavemetheopportunitytofocusonmyself,buthereIwas,lookingatafreakinggiraffeandfeelinglikeIwasgoingtolosemymind.”
“Didshecalmyoudown?”
“Shewasamazing.Ifeltreallychilledoutbythewayshehandledit.”
BrandonquietlywatchedNashpourapacketofsugarinhiscoffee.Afterafewsecondsofsilence,hespokewithconsiderationandthought.
“Youknow,Nash,you’vealwayskeptwomenatanarm’slength.Iwon’tgoasfarastosayyouwereterriblydamaged—Ithinkyoucameoutmorebrilliantlythananyoneinyoursituationcouldhave.Godknowsmyparentsmarvelaboutitallthetime.Alotofthatisatestamenttoyourresilience…butI’vealwaysworriedaboutyou.WhenyoudatedBrookeincollegeandthatgirlinmedicalschool—”
“Riley.”
“Yeah.Her.Youneverevenmentionedthatyourmomwasanaddict.Justthatshehaddied.Youhidpartsofyourself.Idon’tknowifitwasbecauseyouwereashamedorbecauseyoudidn’twanttobroachthepain.Idon’tevenknowifyou’resurewhichoneitwas.Buteitherway,thisishugeforyou.Shehastobetherealdealifyou’rewillingtoadmitwhereyoucamefromwithhonesty.”
“Howtheheckdidyougetsosmart?I’mtheonewiththepsychdegree.”
“Dude,you’vemetmyparents.Mymomyelled,‘Makegoodchoices,’everytimeshedroppedmeoffanywhere—includingatmyfraternityincollege.Youthinkthey’dletmegetawaywithbeingadouchebag?”
“Fairpoint.”
“Anyway…haveyoutoldherhowyoufeel?”
Nashshookhishead.
“Whynot?”
Nashranhisfingersthroughhishairwithmoreforcethanheintendedto.“Iknowit’sthismassivemilestonetohavetoldheraboutmyparents.ButIworryabouthergettingtooclose…knowingtheguiltIstillfeel,ortheanger,ortheabandonment.It’sagiantcanofworms.Idon’tknowifshe’swillingtogoin.Andmorethanthat,Idon’tknowifit’sselfishformetoaskherto.”
“Ithinkyou’refullofshit.”
“Howdoyoufigure?”
“Ithinkyou’rebeingamartyrbykeepingitsoclosetoyou.It’sprobablynothealthy.Andthetruthis,she’scomethisfarandhasn’tbeenscaredawaybyyourdemons.Youhavetotrustthatshe’lltellyouifsheis.Ithinkit’smoreselfishforyoutobeahalf-involvedmanthanaflawed,fullyinvestedone.”Brandonshrugged,asifhisconclusionwasobvious.“Butthat’smytwocents.I’veonlyknownyoutwenty-fiveyears.”
Nashchuckled.“Dulynoted.”
“Letherin.Tellherhowyoufeelandhopeforthebest.Ihaveafeelingshewon’tdisappoint.”
“She’salsohardtoreadsometimes.”
“Meaning?”
“Wehavethesemomentsofconnectionwhereshe…Imean,Ican’tthinkstraightandshe’stheonlypersonintheroomtome.Thenwe’lltouchorbeflirtatiousorwhatever,andit’slikewatchingadrawbridgegoup.Sheclosesherdoors.Fiveminuteslater,she’stherebutnotthere—closetomeandcompletelyunreachable.”
“Isshefightingittoo?”
“Idon’tknow.She’s…serious.Imean,sheletslooseandisamazingtobearound,butshetakeslifeseriously.ShecametotheUnitedStatestosetupherlife,andyoucantellshedoesn’twanttoblowit.AndI’mnotsureIcanbethatguywhodoesn’tfuckup.LookatthestockIcamefrom.”
“Youhaven’tfuckedup.Ever.”
“Whatifsheisn’twillingtogivethisashot?”
“Didyouaskherifshe’sholdingback?”
“Ofcoursenot.”
“You’reapsychologist,idiot.Youhavetobroachhowshefeels,don’tyou?Findoutwhatshe’sthinking.Letherintoo.”
“I’malittlescaredofthat,ifI’mhonest.Gettingattachedtosomeone,lettingthemseemyfearsandhopes,andthenhavingthemleave.”Hegaveashudder.
Brandonpaused.“Itsuredoesn’tsoundlikeshe’ssomeonewhowouldthrowsomethingmeaningfulaway.”
Nashsighedandshookhishead.“She’snot.She’scarefulandmeticulous.Butthatfearneverreallygoesaway,andifshe’sholdingback,howdoIknowitwon’tbackfireonme?”
“Youwon’tknowunlessyoutry,Nash.Takeachance.”
Perhapshisbestfriendwasright.MaybehehadtoletKiranallthewayin.
Butfirst,hehadtotellherhowhefelt.ChapterTwenty-One
KIRAN
ItwasaTuesdayevening,andKiranhadbeensluggishallday,uncharacteristicallyleavingoffattachmentsonemailsshesentcolleagues,forgettingherlunchathome,andmakingmistakesonworkassignmentsthatshetypicallyneverwouldhave.
Shehadn’twokenuponthewrongsideofthebed;shewassureshe’dproverbiallyfallenoutofit.
Andshecouldn’tgetNashoutofhermind.
Kiranreplayedtheirclosecontactonthebenchatthezoooverandoveragainlikeafilmreelonaloop.Shecouldhavekissedhim.Maybesheshouldhave.Maybethatwouldhavecleareduphowshefelt.Hewouldhavepulledawayandsaid,“Sorry,Idon’tfeelthesameway,”orkissedherback,andshe’dhaveaclear-cutansweronhowhefeltandwhattodo.
Butinstead,they’dsatclose,withhercuppinghisfaceinherhands,andthewarmthofhisskinhadgentlycascadedthroughherpalms,upherarms,andallthewaytoherheart.
Totheoutsideworld,perhapstheylookedlikeloverssharinganintimatemoment.ButtoKiran,itwasasweetaberrationthathadonlymuddledherheartfurtherasshethoughtofBabaandMa.
Bythetimeshewalkeduptoherapartmentbuildingatsevenintheevening,shewasmentallywadingthroughquicksand.
“Kiran!”
Nashcamefromtheoppositedirection,clutchingaplasticbaginhishandfromthebodegaaroundthecorner.
“Hey,you.”Shetriedtomusterasmile,buttheglumnessinhervoicewasobvious.
Theypausedinfrontofthestepstothebuilding.
“Youlooklikeyoucoulduseadrink,”Nashcommented.“Youokay?”
“Justaverylongday.”
“Doyouactuallywantadrink?Wecangograboneifyouwanttovent.”
Kiransighedandclosedhereyesforasecond.Shecouldn’tshaketheirrationalirritationwithherselfatthebumblingwayshe’dgottenthroughtheday,andshewascertainshewouldbeterriblecompany.
ButthehopeinNash’sblueeyesturnedtheimpendingno,thankyoutoasurebeforeshecouldthinktwice.
“I’mgivingyoufairwarningthatI’mcrankytoday.”
Nashsmirked.“Icanhandleit.”
Kirangavehimasmallsmileandgesturedforhimtoleadtheway.
TheywalkedafewblocksinsilenceuntiltheyreachedAvenueAandFirstStreet.Boulton&WattwasaplaceKiranhadgonetomultipletimesbefore.TheirbrunchwasafavoriteofSonam’safteralongnightshift.
Unassumingfromtheoutside,therestaurantwasonacorner,builtwithagraybrickfacadeandindustrialwindows.TheinsidewasdecoratedwithChristmaslights,plantershangingfromtheceiling,andaluminumpanelingabovelong,woodentableswithold-fashionedindustrialbarbenchesunderneaththem.
KiranandNashtooktheirseatsatatablefortwo.
“Doyouwanttotellmewhat’sonyourmind?”Nashaskedgentlyastheyperusedthemenu.
ButbeforeKirancouldspeak,atallwomanwithbeachywavesofblondhairandblueeyestouchedNash’sshoulder.
“Dr.Hawthorne!”shechirped,hereyesflittingoverKiranforamillisecondbeforeshedevotedherattentiontoNash.
“Oh,hi…”Hestood.“It’snicetoseeyou.”
Heplacedhisarmlooselyaroundherwaistwhenshereachedinforahug,hisbackstiffening.
Kiranwaitedtobeacknowledged,plasteringasmallsmileonherfaceincasesomeoneturnedtoher.Thewomandidn’tgiveherasecondglance,speakingdirectlytoNashinstead.
“What’reyouupto?Drinks?”
Nash’seyesdartedtoKiranbeforegesturingtoher.“Yes.Kiran,thisisDoreen.Weworkinthesamewingofthehospital.Doreen,thisismyfriendandneighbor,Kiran.”
Friend.
KiranbarelyhadasecondtoruminateonthewordbeforeDoreenturnedtoher.
“Karen?”
“No,it’sKir-an,”Kiranenunciatedslowly,thewayshealwaysdid.
Doreenlaughed.“Ialwayshavetroublewithforeignnames.CanIjustcallyouKaren?”
“I–I’dreallyratheryoudidn’t…”Kiranfrowned.
“It’snotthathard,Doreen,”Nashsaideasily.“KindoflikethatIrishname,Kieran—haveyoueverheardit?It’sareallyprettyname.”
KirantriedtoforceherfacetocooperateandlookpleasantatNash’sattempt,butshecouldn’thelpbutfeellikeshe’dbeenslapped.
“That’strue,it’snotsotough.Justunusual.”Doreenshrugged.
SweatbegantodotKiran’sforeheadasthehaironthebackofherneckstoodup.
“Excuseme,Ineedtousetherestroom,”shesaid,andsheloudlypushedherchairback,themetallegsgrindingagainstthewoodenfloorandemittingascreech.
Onceintherestroom,shehunchedoverthesink,closinghereyesandtakingstabilizingbreathsthatdidnothingforherracingheartandtheheatrisinginherchest.
Foreign.Itwasfunnythatawordcouldbeweaponizedsoquickly.
Kiranthoughttoearlierinherworkday,whereacolleaguehadexplainedthemechanismforbioengineeringasyntheticvirusandthatakeytoitwasmakingsurethehumanbodydidn’tseeitasaforeignbodyandattack.Inthatcase,itwasclear—foreignmeantitdidn’tbelong.Itdeservedtobeattacked.
Kiranhatedfeelinglikeshedidn’tbelong.
“Peoplearestupid.You’vehadabadday.Getittogether,”shemumbledtoherself.
Sonamhadwarnedherincollege—whensomefratguyhadcalledhera“dothead”whenshewaswalkingbackfromaHinduStudentsAssociationmeeting.Kirandistinctlyheardhervoicenow.Kiran,I’msorry…butyou’vegottogrowtougherskin,becauseit’sonlygoingtogetworsefromhere.Theonslaughtofnarrow-mindednesswouldbeaconstantassault,notanoccasionalfight.
Kiranransomecoolwateronherhandsandrestedthemonhercheeks,uncaringwhetherthewetnesswouldruinhermakeup.Shebreathedindeeplyagain,picturingoceanwaves,thesoundofarainstorm,andwhateverelsewouldcalmhermindasshecarefullydabbedapapertowelacrossherface.
Thenshestaredatherreflectioninthemirror,noddedonce,andchuckedthepapertowelandopenedthedoor.
ShecouldseeNashwasaloneatthetableagain,butshedidn’thaveitinhertogetadrinkandactasthoughshefeltnormal.
Today,shefeltanythingbut.
“Nash,wouldyoumindifwegohome?”Shecollectedherbagofftheseatandflungitoverhershoulder.
“Nodrink?”Nashappearedsurprised.
“No,butthankyou.I’djustliketogohome.”
Onceagain,theywalkedinsilence.Unlikeonthewaytotherestaurant,Kirandidn’tfeelcomfortatNash’spresence.Hehadn’tdoneanythingwrong,butshecouldn’thelptheangeratbeingmarkedasanoutsiderinfrontofhim.
Kiranunlockedthedoorstothebuildingwithoutaword,andNashfollowedherthroughthelobby.
Asshepausedoutsideherdoor,tryingtofigureoutwhattosay,Nashleanedagainsttheframe.
“Areyouokay?”heaskedsoftly.
Kiransighedandshookherhead.“No.I’mnot.”
“Tellmewhat’sonyourmind.”
Shenodded.“Comeinside.”
Shetookoffhershoesandhefollowedsuit,remindingherofthefirsttimethey’dmet.Shetossedherbagonthetableandsankintothecouch.
Nashquietlytookthebluearmchairhefavored.
“Doyouwantsomechai?”Kiranrememberedhermanners—Nashwasaguestafterall.
“No,thankyou.Justtalktome.”
Kirancrossedherlegsandtuckedherhandsunderherthighs.“Ihadaroughdaytodayatwork.Nothingcrazy.ItwasoneofthosedayswherethingswentwrongfromthesecondIwokeup.IspilledcoffeeonthefirstshirtIchosethismorning,thenrantenminuteslaterthanusualtowork.Itwasbasicallyaseriesofannoyancesallday.AndthenIsentnolessthanthreeemailswithouttheattachmentsonthemandmadeamiscalculationofdatathattookmetwohourstofigureout,rectify,andinformmycolleaguesabout.”
“Baddayshappen.I’msureyourcolleaguesunderstood.”
Kiranshookherhead.“Nash,it’smuchmorethanthat.Forme,amistakeisneverasimplemisstep.Amistakeisonemoretickmarkagainstmyveryexistencehere.”
Hisbrowfurrowed.“Idon’tunderstand.”
“Iseeitonsomeofmycolleagues’faces.ThesympatheticglancewhenIasksomeonetorepeattheirdirectionsbecausetheyweren’tclear.Theynotonlygoslowerbutenunciate,asthoughIdidn’tunderstandEnglishthefirsttime.Whenmycoworkersforgetanattachmentonanemail,it’sanoversight.Today,IgotaskedbyapersonwhohasworkedundermefortwoweeksifIknewhowtouseOutlook.Imadeamistakeonsomedataanalysisthattookmetimetofigureout.Itwassilly,yes,andnotabigdealinthegrandschemeofthings.Butpeoplelikeme?Everyday,wehavetoproveweearnedtherighttolivehere.Eachmistakecountsagainstthat.”
“Thatmustbeaburdentocarry,”Nashsaidsoftly.
“Idon’tbreaktherules—notbecauseIdon’twanttobutbecauseofthemassiveassumptionsthatwillbemadeaboutmeand,byextension,immigrantsfromIndiaifIdo.Forgetanattachmentonanemail?Imusthavegrownupinacountrythatdidn’toffertechnology.Cutsomeoneoffdriving?Indianscan’tdriveanyway.MyGod,Ispelled‘color’witha‘u’incollegeonce,andIhadaprofessorsuggestItakeanESLclass—asifAmericanEnglishistheonlyEnglishspokenanywhereintheworld.”
“Itmustfeellikeyou’retryingtooutscorepeoplekeepinganinvisibletally.”
“Yes.Ican’tevensayanything,becauseifIdo,Ilookcombativeandnotthankfultobehere.”
“Youfeellikeyouhavetostayinyourlane.”
“Exactly.AndDoreentriedtoforcethattoo.Itwasupsetting.”
“Ididn’tthinkshemeantanythingbyit.”Nashfrownedagain,confused.
“Shesaidmynamewasforeignanddifficult.DidyounotnoticethatIhadtodebatemyownname?Youhadtostandupforme—andIappreciateyoudoingso,itwasverythoughtful—butshedidn’ttrustmeonmyownidentityuntilyou,awhiteman,toldhermynamewassimilartoanIrishone.ButIamnotsimilartoanIrishperson.IamIndian.ThatiswhoIam.Anditisnotanargument.”
Hegazedather,unmoving.
Kirancouldseethecogsturninginhismindandhiseyesslowlyregisteringallthatshewassaying—andthatherwordsdidn’tcomefromaplaceofangerathimbutthatthisconversationwasmuchbiggerthanthetwoofthemsittinginthislivingroom.
“I’msorry.Ishouldn’thavemadethatcomparison.Ididn’trealizeitwasreinforcingaproblem.”
“Youhavealotofprivilege,Nash,”Kiransaidsoftly.“It’snotsomethingyouhavetoapologizefor.Butthewordforeigndoesn’tmeanI’manexoticflower.ItmeansIdon’tbelong.AndtodaywasonereminderafteranotherthatI’mstillontheoutside,lookingin,atacountryI’vecalledhomefortenyears.”Kiranblinkedbackangrytears.“Sometimes,it’stiring.”
Nashnodded.“Doyouwantahug?”
Shecouldn’thelpthegigglethatslippedout.“Yes.”
Hesatnexttoherandwrappedhisarmsaroundher.Shetuckedherheadintothespaceunderneathhischinandbreathedhimin,thescentofcleanlaundryandfaintcolognewaftinguptoher.Herhandsrestedonhischest,andtheysat,curleduponthecouch,andafterfeelinglikeastrangerallday,shefinallyfeltlikeshewashome.ChapterTwenty-Two
NASH
Kiranhadopenedherheartupabouthervulnerabilitiesandexperiences,andmorethananything,Nashhadbeenthankfultobeintheroomandallowedtoseeasideofherthathewouldneverunderstandfirsthand.Kiran’shistoryasanimmigrantandresultinglifefromthatmonumentalmoveacrosstheworldwassomethingNashcouldn’ttouchorbegin
Buthewantedto.Ifanything,Kiranwasprovinghehadalottolearnabouttheworldandabouther,andhewantedtodiveintoherdarkestcorners,soakedincomplexities,andshowerhimselfinthelightshebroughttohim.
Katecalledashestretchedoutonhiscouchafteralongday.
“Nashy,tellmeaboutyourlife!How’sNewYork?”
“Kate,haveyoubeendrinking?You’reawfullychipper.”
“I’mhappytotalktoyou,that’sall.Don’trainonmyparade.”
“It’snicetalkingtoyoutoo.Imissyou.”
“NowI’mwonderingifyou’vebeendrinking.Areyouokay?What’swrong,honey?”
Nashsmiledagainstthephone,knowinghisauntcouldn’tseehim.“Nothing.I’mdoingwell.”
“Areyousure?”
“Ifeellikeakidtellingyouthis,butIthinkIlikesomeone.”
“Oooh!Who?”Katewaslikeachild,whisperingsecretsonaplayground.
“Kiran.She’smyneighbor.We’vebeenhangingoutalot,andit’sbeen…eye-opening.”
“What’shernameagain?Kee-ran?”
“Not-ran,but-run,”Nashcorrected,inwardlycringingattherecollectionoftheconversationthepreviousnight.
“Kiran.Ilikethat.”
“Metoo.”
“Whydoyousoundsosad?”
“It’snotsadness,justcontemplation.Igotmybutthandedtomeyesterdayformakinganidioticmovewithher.”
“Why?”
Nashtriedtoexplain.“Youknowhowwe’rewhite—”
“We’rewhite?”Kateasked.“I’msogladyounoticed,honey.Ialwaysknewyouwerequickforyourage.”
“Youarenotfunny.”ButNashcrackedasmileanyway.
“Sorry.Continue.”
“Itwasstupidonmypart.”Nashgaveheraquickrundownoftheeventsofthenightbefore,explaininghowKiranwasfirmbutgracefulinherexplanationandhowhefeltasthoughheshouldhaveknown.“I’vespentsomuchtimeinschoolandlearningabouthowpeoplearedifferent—andhereIam,erasingherstory,youknow?”
“Youdidn’tknowbetter.Youthoughtyouwerehelping,”Katesaidkindly.
“Ithinkthat’sthepoint.IerasedherinthewayItriedtohelp.”
Nashcouldn’tfindthewordstoexplainwhytheintentionbehindhisactionsdidn’tmatterhere,thathowhetreatedKiranwasn’therresponsibilitytoteachhim.Hehadmadeherfeelsmall—somethingheneverwantedpeopletofeelaroundhim—andhe’dmadesomeonewhoalreadyfeltlikeanoutsideronadailybasisfeelliketheydidn’tevenbelongintheroom.
“Isthatallthat’sbotheringyou?”
“No…IwasthinkingaboutMomandDad.”
“Whataboutthem?”
“Kate,Ilikeher.It’ssoon.Ican’tsaywhetherthisisforever.ButIseesomethingpowerfulpotentiallydeveloping.Andthatiseffingterrifyingafterseeingwhatmyparentswentthrough.”
“Whatdoyoufindterrifying?”
“ThatIcouldbecomelikethem.ThatIcouldwalkawaywhentimesgethard.OrthatoccasionalbeerIhavecouldtriggersomethinginmethatmakesmelosecontrol.Mostly,IworryI’llletherdown.”
“Nashy,youhaveneverletanyofusdown.Idon’tthinkyouwouldletherdowneither.”
“It’snotaboutme—butwhenIrealizedhowlittleIknewaboutherreality,Ifeltsoinadequate.KindoflikewhenIwaslittleandIusedtowonderwhyDadleft.AndthenI’dwonderifhedidn’tfeelgoodenoughtogiveMomthelifeshewantedandmaybeheleftbecauseitwastoomuchforhim,andifthat’sthecase,andIkeepmissingpiecesofKiran’slifetoobecauseIdon’tunderstand…whatifIloseher?WhatifIscrewup?”Hiswordscamefasterandfaster,looselymakingconnectionsbutnotcapturinghowscaredhefeltoffallingforher,losingher,andscrewingup,allatonce.
“Nash,takeabreath,”Katecoached,likeshedidwhenhewaslittle.“You’regettingwayaheadofyourself.That’snotlikeyou.Startwithseeingwherethisgoes.Then…?”
Herpromptslowedhisracingthoughts.“ThenIbettertellherIlikeher.”
“Afterthat?”
“I’lldomybesttobemybest.”
“That’sallyoucando.Youknowthat.Youcarryalotofburdenfromyourpast,Nash,butyoucan’tletitanchoryouinplace.You’vealsoovercomesetbacksandtakenlifestepbystep.Dothesamethinghere…slowdown.Handleeachdayasitcomes.”
Nashsighed.“You’reright.”
“Ialwaysam.Idon’tknowwhyyoudoubtme,”Kateteased.
“Idon’teither.”
Theytalkedaboutherdogs,aboutherhusbandandthenewartclassshe’dsignedupfor,beforewindinguptheircall.
Whentheyfinallyhungupanhourlater,NashfeltatpeaceandmorecertainthaneverthathewantedtodohisbestforKiranandthatshe’dseenothingbuthiseffortfromnowon.ChapterTwenty-Three
KIRAN
“IthinkImightmixitupandgetcoffeetoday.”Sonamfannedherselfwithamenu.
“Shutupandorderyourchai,”Akashsaid.
“Peoplecanmixitupsometimes,nerd.Idon’talwayshavetooperatethesameway,”Sonamdefended.
“Butyouwill,”Akashsaid.
Shescoffed,andPayalandKiranrolledtheireyesatthebickering.
“So…I’mthinkingaboutquittingmyjob.”
ThethreeothersalllookedupatPayal’sslowpronouncement.
“Boredwiththepublicrelationsbusiness?”Akashasked.
“Iwanttochasemypassion,youknow?Ilovedesigningclothes,andIlovestylingmyfriends.I’dlovetotakeayeartoventureoutandseewhatIcandowithit.Maybethisisthetimetostarttheline.”
“Youwouldbeamazing,Payal.Seriously,”Kiranencouraged.“Youhavetodothis.”
“Thanks,K.”
“Youwouldbegreatatit,”Sonamsaid.“Youhavearealeyeforfashion,andyou’realwaysimpeccablydressed.Ifthat’swhereyourheartis,doit.We’reinourtwenties,andweshouldtaketherisknow,beforewe’remarriedandboundtoobligation.”
“Doit,Payal.I’msuremysisterLailawouldlovetocoveryouforhermagazineifyouneededPRresources.It’sagreatopportunityallaround,”Akashsaid.
“You’vebeentalkingaboutthisforyears,andweknewitwascoming.Doit,”Kiransaid,voicingherapprovaloncemoreforgoodmeasure.“You’vebeensavinguptomakeamove.”
TheenthusiasticresponsesinflatedPayal’schest,andshesatalittlestraighter.Hereyeslitup,andKiranwasthrilledtoseePayalwithmorepurposeanddrivethanshe’ddisplayedworkingatherjobatthePRfirm.
“Hey,Payal,”aninsanelyattractiveIndianguy—tall,straightnose,thinface,straightteeth,facialhairthatwasneatlytrimmedandsoakedinpomadetoaninchofitslife—addressedherfromhisspotinline.
Payalsimplynoddedandgavehimawave—withasmileanyoftheCMCcouldtellwasthekindyougaveapersonyouhopedwouldnevercallwhentheysaidthingslike,“Weshouldhangoutsometime.”
“Formerhookup?”Sonamasked.
“No.WegrewupinLondontogether.Ourfamiliesareclose.HisnameisAyaan.”
“He’sverycute,”Kiransaid.
“He’salsoabouttosuckfacewiththegoddessthatwalkedin…andtrustme,he’snotthatattractive,themanwhore.”
Kirancouldn’ttellifPayalgenuinelyknewthebeautiful,sharplydressedIndiangirlwhowalkedinwithfive-inchheelsorifshewas,inherownalphafemaleway,alittlepossessiveofherterritoryasanItGirl.
ButwhenthegirlstartedkissingAyaaninawaythatwasmorethanPG-13forapublicspace,KiranimmediatelysidedwithPayal,writingoffAyaanandthegirlasmeredistractionsfromamoreimportantconversation.
Theothersseemedtoagreeastheyallturnedtheirattentionbacktooneanother.
“So…speakingofchasingpassions…”Sonamstarted.“Kiran,didyouandNashhangoutagain?”
“We’veactuallygoneoutalotand—”
“Youbonedhim,didn’tyou?”Akashasked.
“What?No.”Kirancringed.“That’ssuchacrasswayofsayingthat,bytheway.”
“Itdoesn’tchangewhat’sgoingtohappen.Thisisinevitable.Becareful.”Sonampointedabiscottiather.
“That’squitetheadvicecomingfromsomeonewhogenerallytellstheworldtofuckoff,”Payalsaid.“Andthegirlwhotoldmetogoonacareeradventure.”
Sonamstuckouthertongue.“I’msaying…Kiranisusuallythecarefulone.”
“Idon’tknow,guys.I’mnotsureaboutthat.”
“Okay,well,sinceAkashinterruptedanddidn’tactuallyletyoufinish…Whathappened?”PayalshushedtheotherswithherfingerandgesturedforKirantocontinue.
Kiranshotheragratefulglancebeforecontinuing.“Something’sshifted.Ithinkabouthimallthetime.EverytimeIspendtimewithhim,Iwalkawaywantingevenmore.AndItriedtothinkofhimasafriend,butwhenwe’retogether…”
“Somuchforbeingjustfriends,”Akashsaid.
“Areyouconsideringdatinghim?”Sonamasked.“Imean,isthismorethanafling?You’vesaidyoulikedhimandyou’redeciding.Haveyoudecidedtogoforward?”
“It’s…”Kiranstruggledtoexplainthedepthsofwhatshefeltforhim.Theboundariesdrawnbyherfamilyallthoseyearsagolockedhervocalcordsinplace.
“You’remorethanfriends.Youcan’tdenythat,”Akashsaid.“It’salreadymorethanafling.”
“Okay,fair,butdoyouseeafuture?”Payalsaid.
“Doesitmatter?”
“Don’tpretendyou’restupid,Kiran.You’reoneofthesmartestpeoplewe’vemet,”Sonamstatedbluntlybeforedunkingthebiscottiinherchai.“Youknowwhatyourlimitationsare.”
“Iwishwecouldbeexactlywhereweareforever.Iwishwecouldbeblissfulandlovingandinthisbubblecontainingthetwoofusforever.Becausehe’ssowonderfulandhemakesmesohappy…butthemoreIthinkaboutit,themoreworriedIget.AndthemoreIwanthim.”
Payalwatchedhersympathetically,anunderstandingsmileonherface.“Thatbubblesoundsincredible.Theworldwouldbemuchhappieriflovewereaplacepeoplecoulddwellinwithoutanyrepercussions.Butyou’regoingtohavetomakeachoicesoon.”
“Iknow.IcanputitoffforaslongasIwant,butit’llalwaysbethere,hangingoverme.”
“Haveyoutoldhimaboutyoursister?Haveyousharedyourreservationswithhim?”Akashasked.
Kiranstayedsilent.
“Kiran!”Sonamsaid.
“No…IsaidIdon’tseeheroftenandtherewasalittlefamilydrama.Thenwechangedthesubject.”
“Wow,yousugarcoatedthatone…”Akashsaid.
“He’llrunifItellhimthetruthandwhat’sexpectedofme.”
“Andifhedoesn’t?”
“Wouldn’tyou?”
“Asaguy,Iwouldwanttoknow.BecauseifIreallylikedagirl,I’dwanttoknowwe’reinittogetherandthatwe’dfacetheshitlifehastooffer…andifshe’sworthit,I’lldowhatittakestobewithheranyway.”
“Romanticwordsfromsomeonewhohasneverbeeninthatposition,”Sonamsaid.
“I’mtellingyouwhatIthinkfromaneutralperspective,Sonam.Takeitorleaveit.”
“Well,wewon’ttellyouwhattodo,butwe’llbehereforyouforwhateveryouneed,”Payalsaid.
Sonamraisedaneyebrow.“‘Wewon’ttellyouwhattodo’?Whoareyourightnow?Ofcoursewewill.Kiran,thelongeryouputitoff,themoreit’llhurt.Wewon’ttellyoutodatehimorendit,butwewilltellyouthatyouhavetodosomething.Attheveryleast,youhavetotellhimthetruthaboutyoursister,oryouguysstartoffonalie.”
Payalrolledhereyes.“Datehim.Whothehellcares?”
“Myparentswill.They’rescarredafterKirti.”
“Ah,well,whenitcomestoparentalrelationships,I’mprobablynotthebestgirltogiveyouadvice.ThemosttimeI’vespentwithmymotherwaswhenIwasinheruterus.”
Kiranofferedherareassuringpatonthehandtoletherknowshedidn’tjudge.Payalhadmorecontactwithherfamilyoveremailthanphonecalls,andmostoftheirconversationsrevolvedaroundthefamilyimportandexportbusinessnearLondon.Sheunderstoodculturalexpectationsandfamilyonesbutnotthelovebehindthoseboundaries.
“Isitreallythatbadifyoudatesomeone?”Akashasked.“You’vedonesomuchforyourfamily,puttingthemupinthatplaceinDelhi,gettingamazinggradesandcomingtotheUnitedStates,andalwaysthinkingaboutthem.Theycouldgiveyouafreepass.”
“Girlshaveadifferentsetofrules.Also,twominutesago,yousaidyouwereneutral,andnowyouhaveanopinion,”Sonamsaid.
“Hey,boysgetthefortune,sowehaveourownsetofrulestoabideby.Wealwayshavetomakethefirstmove.Wealwayshavetothinkaboutwhatthegirlisgoingtosaytoherfamilyaboutus…”
“Didyoureallyjustusethoseasarguments?Really?”Sonamsnapped.
Akashtriedtoholdbackalaugh.“No.Ihavetwosisters,plusyouthreeidiots.IamawareI’vegotitgood.MypointisthatKiranhasdonethejobofaloyalandobedientchild.She’searnedachoiceofherown.”
Kiran’sheadspunasshetriedtolineuptheargumentsincleanlines.
Itwasfrustratinghowmanyarbitraryguidelinestherewereforwomen.Womenweresupposedtobesmart,strong,independent,forward,brave,fearless,andunique.Buttheyweren’tsupposedtoshinetoobright,betoobold,toosharp.Theyweresupposedtofitin,havefriends,makepeoplethinktheyweresexuallyinvigoratedbutnotactuallybesexyforthemselves,andrespecteveryonesotheywouldappearsoftandfeminine.Thisdouble-edgedswordwasencasedinaculturalsheath.Everycountryhadcustomsandtraditionsthatweresupposedtobevaluedandcherished,andIndiawasnodifferent.
Truthbetold,Kiranhadalwaysfeltmorelikeanoutsiderthanherfriendsbecauseshehadn’tbeenraisedintheWest.Shewasconsciousofheraccentsometimes—especiallywordslike“water”or“vitamin,”whereherw’sandv’sswappedthemselvesatwill.ShehatedthatshesometimesgoogledpopculturereferencesontheslywhenAkashorSonamthrewthemaroundcasually,soshewouldhaveaclueaboutwhattheywerediscussing.ShedespisedtheoccasionaljudgmentalstaredownshewouldgetonasubwayfromanIndianAmericanwhohadgrownuphere,whoclearlythoughttothemselves,“Well,youcamefromIndia.You’remorelikemyparentthanmypeer.”
Whilethesespotlightsonherforeignstatuswereanotherpartofherday,todaytheyfeltlikeinadequacies.Beinganoutsiderhadbecomeexhausting.EventheIndianAmericansshewasbestfriendswithcouldn’tcomeupwithaclearsolutiononwhattodobecauseshewassoremovedfromtheirupbringings.Shecouldn’tcollectherfootinganywhereoridentifywithanyoneperspective.Instead,theyblurredtogetherandmadehermentallyripaparthercleanlyorganizedlistofprosandconsandcrinkleitintoaball.
Nomatterhowmanythoughtswerecollectedonpaperinthisimaginarytrash,however,onecoloredandglitteryheartstoodoutatthebottom.ThistalkofchasingpassionsforPayalandtheideathatshewastwenty-eightyearsoldwiththeweightofherfamilyonhershoulders…ItpromptedKirantofeelasthoughforonce,sheshouldpursuewhatshewanted.ShewantedNash.Shemissedhimwhentheyweren’ttogether.Andadimworldwasn’toneshecouldgobacktonowthatshe’dseenthelight.
Shehadtotellhim.ChapterTwenty-Four
KIRAN
Didyouknowthere’saLibraryWalkinMidtown?Nashtexted.
AreyoureadingtourismbooksaboutNewYorkandchoosingthingstodo?Kirancouldn’thelpbutsmile,givenherimprovedGooglinghabitsfortheverysamereason.
Nash:Areyoujudgingme?
Kiran:Alittle.
Nash:SoI’llseeyouatsixp.m.onthecornerofParkand41stthen?
Kiran:…Yes.
Kiran’sstomachdidmoreloop-the-loopsthantherollercoastersatConeyIslandwhileshewaitedonthecornernearGrandCentralStation.Sheshiftedherweightfromherrighttoleftfoot,grindingherjaw.
She’dmadeastopathome,leavingworkatfivesoshewouldhavetimetochange.Shehadputthoughtintoheroutfit—toomuchthoughtinfact.Shespentwelloverahalfhourinfrontofhercloset,debatingbetweenasweaterdresswithacreamblazerorapairofjeanswithawhitesweaterandascarf.Itwassilly,really.SheandNashwerefriendsregardlesshowshedressed.Butnowshewantedtoaccentuateherlegs,andthecurveinherhipssuddenlymatteredtoher.Sheknewshe’dimpressedhimwithhermind,butnowherbodycriedout,Lookatmetoo!Shewantedtofeelassexyassheknewshecouldbe—whilebeingherselfatthesametime.
Shefinallycombinedtheoutfitsintheend,wearingablazeroverawhiteteewithalongnecklace,skinnyjeans,andflats.She’dleftherhairloose—clippingbackthetopwithaslightbumpandallowingherwavestocascadeoverhershoulders.Atouchofmascaraandlipglosswereallshewore.
Now,ifonlyshecouldgetherthoughtstobeascoordinatedasheroutfit.
Onesecond,shewascertainshewantedtoexplorethepossibilityofarelationshipwithNash.Afewsecondslater,shewouldbacktrackandtakeitallback.Whatwasshethinking?Sheremindedherselfthiswasn’tagame.Nashhadfeelingstoo,andifhefeltthesameway,shehadtobecommitted.Shecouldn’tcomeandgoasshepleased.
ThatmeantshehadtotellhimaboutKirti,abouttheweightoftheexpectationsonhershoulders,howtheymightbedoomedfromthestart,andhowitwouldneverbearelationshipthatstartedonasmoothroad.
ThenatinypieceofhopewouldarguebackthatperhapsNashwouldwantherenoughtobethere,tofightforher.Akash’scommentsaboutwantingtofightforawomanhecaredaboutcouldalsoapplytoNash,right?
Asshepacedbackandforthonthecorner,shedidn’tnoticeNashcomeupbehindher.
Thehaironherarmsstoodonend.
Hegrabbedherbythewaist.
Herelbowflewbackreflexivelyandmethisabswiththeforceofatruck.
“SweetJesus,Kiran!Houdinidiedlikethat!”
Nashwashunched,hisbackinaperfectarchashisfaceflushed.
“Ohmygosh,Nash,I’msosorry!Ididn’trealizeyouwererightthere!”
Well…thisisofftoagreatstart.
Nashgroanedashestoodstraight.“Okay,well…atleastIhavesomedoctorsonspeeddial.Idon’tthinkyourupturedanything.”
“Tobefair,yousnuckuponagirl.”
“Probablynotmybestidea…Let’swalkyourelbowoff,shallwe?”
Theywalkedtowardthelibrary.Everytenortwentyfeet,aplaquestoodoutwithaquoteaboutreadingandlearning.Nashmouthedthewordstohimselfashescannedthewordsquickly,butKiranreadthemoutloudandallowedthewordstosinkin,thesamewayshememorizedhertextbooksinIndia.LucilleClifton’swordsgaveherthemostpause—apoemaboutrememberingone’sownmemoriesratherthantheonesothershad.
Shefellintosilence,holdingherbreathatthegravityofthewordsandhowCliftonseemedtodescribeher.Shemusthavestaredlongerthanshehadattheotherplaques,becauseNashturnedaroundtenfeetaheadandbacktracked.
“Youokay?”
“Justthinking.”
“Wanttoshare?”
“Inabit,maybe.”
Shecrossedherarms,tuckingherhandsintothespacesinherelbowsandfindingwarmththere.
“Sunshinedisinfects.”ItwassomethingBabausedtosaywhenKiranhadleftherfreshlywashedclothesinabucketfortoolongandthemildewsmellneededtobeairedout.Hesaiditwhenthetruthcameoutaboutascandalinvolvingpoliticians.Healwayswavedhishandcheerfullyashesaidit,asifthewavewereabreathofairandtheissues
Nashwasthesunshinenow,butitwasn’tassimpleasbleachingaturmericstainonawhiteshirtbylayingitoutside.Ononehand,colorsseemedbrighter.Nightsweremorefulloflifethanthey’deverseemedinKiran’seyes.Shelaughedmore.Wordsreachedhermoredeeply,andsodidobservationsabouteventsaroundher—babiesmadehergrinbigger,sadnesswassharper,andnow,wordsthatshewouldhaveskimmedoverandskippedcausedhertopause.
Sixmonthsago,thosewordswouldhavebeennothing.Shemaynothaveeverstopped.Sheprobablywouldn’thaveeventakenthisLibraryWalk.Butmemories,hazyandsmallbutmemoriesnonetheless,camefloodingbacktoheraboutKirti—likethegapshehadbetweenherbottomfronttwoteeth.Howshealwaysworeglassbanglesuntilshe’daccidentallycutKiranwhenshewastossingherintheairandonecrackedonherskin,andthensheswitchedtometal,soherbabysisterwasneverinjuredagain.ThewayKirtilovedmaththesamewayKirandid,andusinganabacus,KirtihadtaughtherbasicarithmeticbeforeKiranhadevenenteredschool.
Butthememoriesherparentscriedaboutoftenovershadowedherown.ThepainthepanchayathadinflictedonthefamilyandhowitwasKirti’sownfaultithappened.ThosewereMaandBaba’sremainingmemoriesbecausetheywerethemostrecentandtheonesthatshapedtheirlivesthemost.AndNash,likesunshine,haddisinfectedandcleansedKiran’smind.NolongerdidshethinkaboutKirtiinthecontextofherparents’memoriesbutinherown,whichwereresurfacing.Thedustwasbeingblownaway,andclaritywasappearing.
Nashwasservingasacure.
ButwiththeantidotetoKiran’sdimmedpastcamequestionsaboutKirti’sdeparturefromthefamily.Howwasshe,alltheseyearslater?Wassheevenalive?Whatwasherlifelikenow?Werethereevermomentswhenshemissedthem?
AndmorethanthatcameKiran’sepiphanythatshewantedtobuildherownlifeandthatdoingsomightnottakeherdownapaththatshewascomfortablewith.ThatwasherwordpriortoNash—comfortable.NowthatNashwasaroundandthesetruthswerecomingtolightinhisbrilliantpresence,shewasn’tsurehowtomoveforwardwiththesameconcreteintentionshehadproceededwithbefore.
“Sodoyouwanttograbsomechocolate?”
Nash’svoicestartledher,andshejumped.“Didn’tyoujustgetpunchedforthat?”
“I’msorry…Ididn’tmeantoscareyou.There’sachocolateplaceintheGraceBuilding.Ifiguredmaybeitwouldcheeryouuptogo.”
“Ididn’trealizeitwasthatobviousIwasalittlemopey.”
“That’sokay.It’smyturntobehereforyou.”
Shewasamazedhecouldreadherface,thatherthoughtswereracing,andthatsweetswereexactlywhatthedoctorordered.Shegrewacutelyawarethatherlefthandhadslippedoutofherpocketanditwastantalizinglyclosetohis.Herskintingledwithgoosebumpsastheybrushedagainsteachother,andshecouldn’thelpbutwonderifhefeltthesamewaywhenhedidn’tmovehishandorseemdisturbedwhenithappened.
Theywalkedinsync,breathedasone,andeveryhaironherbodywassetalightfromthewarmthofhisbody.ChapterTwenty-Five
NASH
Astheysetfootinthesmallsweetshop,theyweretakenbythearrangementsofhandmadechocolates,eachwithexoticmixesofingredientslikeherbandcoconut(whichdidn’tsoundsoappetizing)oralmondhazelnutvanilla(whichNashcouldhaveeatenaboxof).
“Whatdoyouwant?”Kiranasked.
“Let’shavethemanbehindthecountermakeupabox,”hesuggested.
“Dowetrusthisjudgment?Whatifhechoosessomethingwedon’tlike?”
“Well,wecantakeitovertoBryantParkandtrythemout.It’llbelikechocolateroulette.”
Hereyestwinkled,andNashbeamedatthewayhe’dputthestarsinhereyes.
“WhatcanIgetyou,sirandmadam?”theattendantbehindthecounterasked.
Hewasatallmanwithbrownedskin.HewasfromtheWestIndies,perhaps,withgoldenskinandmajesticstature.HisaccentwasEnglish,French,andCaribbeanallatonce—acombinationthatNashhadneverheardbutcouldspendalldaylisteningto.Foramoment,hewonderedifthemanwasfakingittosoundmoreillustriousandtomatchthejazzytuxedohewaswearing.
“We’lltakeacombinationofeverything.Surpriseuswithaboxoftwelve.”
Orderingforthetwoofthemandbeingallowedthatauthoritywasanovelty.HewantedtotakecareofKiran,toallowhertothinkandfeelwhateversheneededtowhilehehelddownthefortandsupportedher.
Withoutthinking,hishandmovedaroundher.NashrestedhispalmonKiran’sback.
Foronce,shedidn’tmoveawayorreactsharply.
Kiranslidgracefullyintothecurveofhisarm,andhecurledherin,looseenoughtobecomfortable,tightenoughtosayshewashis.
Hisinstinctwassureshewas.
Astheattendantcollectedvariouspiecesofchocolatefortheircustombox,KiranglancedupatNash.He’dneverseenthatexpressiononherfacebefore—likeshefullytrustedanythinghe’ddo.
“I’llbehappytoputoneinonthehouseforyoutwotonight.”Thisattendantwaswinningbonuspoints.
“Thankyou!”Kiran’shandsjoinedtogetheratherchest.
“Somuchexcitementforchocolate…”Nashlaughed.
“Whatwouldyoulike,miss?”Theattendant’swhiteglovedhandsgesturedattheassortmentinfrontofthem,notsmudgedabitbyallthecocoahewashandling.
Kiranhungrilyexaminedallthedifferenttypes.“Whatdoyousuggest?”
“MayIempowermyself?Iwouldrecommendsaltedcaramelpeanutbutter.”
“Nash?Milkordark?”
“Itdoesn’tmatter.”
“Itdoestoomatter!”Shesteppedawayinmockoutrage.
“Andwhy’sthat?”
“BecauseyourchoicedetermineswhetherIletyouputyourarmaroundmeagain!”shesassedback,ahandonherhip
“IfIwereyou,sir,Iwouldpick,”themanbehindthecounterchimedinandthenmouthed,Milk.ThisfellawasclearlyTeamNash.
“Allrightthen.Milk.”
“Goodchoice,”Kiranobservedwithagrin.
Thistime,hewonthelottery.Sherestedherheadonhisshoulder,andhisgripgrewalittletighter.
“Idon’tmeantointerrupt…butareyouIndian?”themanasked.
“Iam!”Kiransaid.Thatwarmthofreminiscencecoloredhertone,thewayitalwaysdidwhenshespokeofhome.
“Youknow,mymotherwashalf-Indian,”hebegan.“Andgrowingup,sheusedtotellmeofhennaandordermesherwanisfromtheIndianstore—which,ofcourse,lookthebestwithatallfigurelikethis.”Heflashedaposewithaheadtiltandgesturedathislithebody.
“Indeed,theydo.”Kiranlaughed.
“Clearly,yourmotherhadstyle,”Nashchimedin.
Itwasimpossiblenottofeelcheerfularoundthisman,inthissetting,surroundedbysweets,andNash’sarmaroundagirlhecaredfor.
“Well,yourcultureisbeautifulandsoareyou.Haveagloriousnight,”themanremarkedasherangthemout.
NashopenedthedoorandguidedheroutwithhishandonthesmallofKiran’sback.Hiseyesdartedupatthestars.Buthecouldn’tmakeoutthetwinklesasclearlyunderneaththebrightlightsoftheskyscrapersaroundthem.TheH&Mbuildinghadaneon-redsignblaring.TheBankofAmericaTowerprojectedcolorsintotheskywithitsbrightantenna.Downthestreet,theChryslerBuildingstoodoutasalandmarkoftheareatheywerein.
Theycrossedtheintersectiontothepark,walkingcloserthantheyeverhadbefore.Greenmetalchairsandtablesscatteredaroundthecementgroundprovidedrespitewheregroupsoffriendsgathered.Laughterrangoutaroundthesquareinthemiddleofthepark.
NashguidedKirantoaspotinfrontofthefountainwherethesoundofwatercouldbeheardandTimesSquareseenatadistance.AbeautifuldichotomyexistedbetweenthelightsofoneofthemosticoniclandmarksinNewYorkandthegreenexpanseandlibraryontheothersideofthem.
“Okay,well,theninjaattendantoverthereslippedinaguidesoweknowwhatwe’reeatingifwehavequestions…butIsaywegoinblindandtakebitesandguess.Wesawthelabelsanywayoneachplate.”Nashunwrappedtheribbonontheboxandopenedit,unveilingtightlypackedchocolatesindifferentshapesandsizeswithpatternsetchedonsomeandridgesonothers.
“Soundslikeaplan.Ready?”Kiranpulledamilkchocolateoneoutandcarefullybithalfoff.
“And…go!”Nashwaited,staringatherinanticipation.
“Oh…”Kiranscrunchedhernose,whippingherheadaroundtofindatrashcantogracefullyspitoutthebiteshetook,butshehadnochoice.
“Wow,thatgood,huh?”Nashdoubledoverinlaughter.
“Idon’tgettosufferonmyown!”KiranmanagedandshovedtheotherhalfofthelittlepieceintoNash’sopenmouth.
“Aww…gross…”Hisfacemirroredhers,thecornersofhismouthdroopingdowntotrytotasteaslittleaspossible
Kiran’sgiggleswereendlessatthedisgustedexpressiononhisface.
“It’slike…jelly.Withbasil.Andthyme.Andcoconut.Withchocolate.”Nashswallowedwithgreatdifficultyandshudderedattheaftertaste.
“Ugh,Icanstilltasteit.Itgoesallthewaytothebackofmythroat.”
Nash’smischievoussmilemadeKirandoadoubletake.
“Whyareyou…Nash!Getyourheadoutofthegutter!”
“Hey,youwenttheretooifyoucaughtonthatfast.”Nashchuckled.
Shewenttosmackhim,andhecaughtherhandmidair.
Neitherofthempulledaway.
Instead,herfingersfoundthegapsinhis,andtheireyeslockedastheirhandsentwined.Theworldstilledaroundthem.
Nash’sgazehungrilytookinKiran’severyfeature.Helingeredonherlips,herprominentcheekbones,herangulareyebrows.Herbrowneyesonhisbluewerecementedinplace,andnothingontheplanetcouldhavetornhimfromher.AsNash’sfingerscurledaroundhers,herfingertipssentelectricshocksuphiswristandhisarms,allthewaytohisheart.Heatcrawledfromhistoestohischeeks.
Kiran’ssightdroppedtohislips,andherspartedslightlyasthoughshewerekissinghimmidair.Hispartedtoo,andhewasfullofbothlongingandstubbornness.Sheinchedalittlecloser,andNashwasdrawntoherlikeamagnet.
“Excuseme,canweborrowthischair?”
Anobliviouswomanwithakindsmileawaitedananswerwithherhandsontherungofthethirdchairattheirtable.
“Goahead.”Nash’ssournesswasunmistakable.
Thewomandraggeditaway,themetalscreechingagainstthepavement.
“Perfecttiming,lady,”Kiranmutteredsoquietly,hebarelycaughtit.
Theirhandsremainedbounddespitetheirstolenmoment.Nashhopedanopportunitywouldpresentitselfwhenhecouldfeelthesameelectricityagain—itwasahighhe’dneverexperienced,havinghersoclose—withoutherpullingawayormakinghimfeelsillyforfollowinghisinstincts.
“Okay…arewetryinganother?”Hereachedintothebox.
“I’mafraid.”
“Don’tbe.I’mgoingthroughitwithyou.”Hehadn’tletgoofherhand.“Here.”Hefedherhalfofachocolatebeforeeatingtheotherhalf.
“Oh.Ilikethisone!”
“Metoo!”
Theycontinuedtheirpattern—biteintooneandfeedtheotherhalf.Nashlovedthewayshelightlykissedhisfingerswhenshestoleabitefromhimandhowshelookedasshereachedtowardhislips.Shefeltlikehis.Andtonight,hewashers.
“Howareyourparents?”Hebrushedastraystrandofhairoutofhereyes.
“Good.Spoketothemthismorning,andthey’rechuggingawayatlife,asusual.”
“Andyoursister?Iknowyousaidyouhaven’tseenher,butIassumeyouguysspeak.”
TherewassomethingabouthersisterthatmadeKiranstandoffish.Nashhadnoticeditmultipletimes—hereyeshardened,orothertimes,theydartedaway.Itwasexactlythesamewithphysicaltouchuntiltonight.She’dwelcomeit,thenchangetacksoquickly,hewouldbeleftinstunnedsilence.
Thepauseafterhismentionofhersisterwasnodifferentthanbefore.Itseemedtoensueforhoursratherthanseconds.
“It’salongstory,”Kiranfinallysaid.
“I’vegottime.”
“Nash…I…Thisisnewforme.”
“What?Talkingabouther?”Hesearchedherfaceforanysignofwhatwastocome.
“Talkingaboutherwithsomeonewhoisn’tIndian.It’satoughstorytounderstandevenforsomeonewhois.”
“Well…tryme.I’lldomybestnottobeanignorantass.”Nashrubbedherhandwithhisthumb.
Thecornerofhermouthtwitched.“Thankyou.”
“Sowherewouldyouliketostart?”
“Ihaven’ttalkedtoherintwentyyears.”
Thewordshungintheair.Nashwassurehe’dmisheardher.
“Ithoughtyousaidthecomingandgoingstoppedorsomething.You…what?”
“Ihaven’tseenorspokentomysisterinovertwentyyears.”Thesecondtimedidn’tlessenthestrangledwayKiransaidit.Ifanything,thepainetchedonherfacegrewdeeper.
Nash’sinstinctsbegantofirealarmbells,buthecouldn’tgaugewhy.Heexhaled,remainingcalm,andignoredthenaggingprickleatthebackofhisneck
“Thatmustbesohard.Whathappened?”
“I’mafraidifItellyou,I’llloseyou,”shewhispered.
Nash’sstomachfell.Hedesperatelyhopedshewouldn’tendwhatevertheywereabouttostart…butherememberedwhatBrandonhadsaidaboutfindingoutherstory,understandingher,andlettingherin.Hehadtokeeptrying.
“Youwon’tloseme.”
“I–Idon’tknowallthedetails.I…we…grewupinaruralvillageafewhoursoutsideDelhi.It’srunbyapanchayat—oh,whatamIsaying,youwon’tknowapanchayat”Sheclosedhereyesandbreathedin.“Apanchayatislikeavillagecouncil.Indiaisademocracy,butsomesmallplacesstillrelyonjusticethroughthesecouncils.Myuncleservedasthesarpaanch,orleaderofthepanchayat.Theysolveddisputesbutalsocouldruleonfamilyissuessometimes.
“Kirti,myoldersister,startedgoingtocollegeagainstthejudgmentofothereldersinourfamily.Mydadsaidshedeservedabetterlife.Thecollegewasasmallplaceaboutanhouraway.Shemetsomeonethere—anofficerintheIndianArmy.Iguesshewasagoodguy,orsoshetoldmyparents,buttheydidn’tapprove.Hewasadifferent…lower…caste,andourfamilywasn’tacceptingofthatdifference.
“Eventually,myparentsagreedtothemarriage.Kirtiwasthemostbeautifulbride.IdancedanddancedatthereceptionandevenputonaperformanceofclassicaldancethatKirtihadtaughtme.Myparentsputallthemoneytheyhadintosendingheroffaftertheceremonyingrandstyle.Idon’tknowexactlywhathappened,butI’veguessed.Myuncle,thesarpaanch,whisperedsomethingtomydad,whogotveryemotional.Theytoldmysistershewasn’tallowedtocomeback.Idon’tremembermuchelse,exceptthatshecriedandcriedandheldontomymomuntilmydadhadtoseparatethem.Atthetime,Ithoughtitwasjustthevidhaai,themomentthebrideleavesherfamilyhome—it’ssymbolicandusuallyemotional.Butthiswasdifferent.”
“Idon’tunderstand.Wasshekickedoutofthefamily?”Nashasked.
Kiranshookherhead.“Becausemyunclewasthesarpaanch,whatKirtihaddonewasembarrassingtoourfamily…anditreflectedonhim,soouruncletoldmydadthattheonlychoicewastodisownher.Totellhernevertocomeback.Andsheneverdid.”
“Theyneverreconciled?”
Kiranshookherhead.“Myunclediedtenyearsago.Mydadhadaheartattack,soImovedmyparentstoDelhisotheycouldbeclosertosomeoftheresourcestheyneeded.ButKirtineverknewanyofthis…anddespitetheexternalsituationbeingfixed,myparentsweretoopridefulorheartbrokenorsomethingtofindoutwhereshewas.”
TearswelledupinKiran’seyes,andNash’sheartwentouttoher.
“Fallinginloveisabigdealinourfamily.Parentsusuallychoosewhotheirchildrenshouldbewith.AndwhenKirtifellinlove,itchallengedeverything.Myparentsneverrecovered.”
Thepuzzlepiecesbeganslidingintoplace,clickingtogetherasonefactfollowedanother.
“Ifyoudateme,you’llbedoingthesamething,”Nashsaid.
Thiswasn’thowhe’dwantedtobringupdating.
Kirannodded,staringattheirentwinedhands.“IthoughtI’dgottenoverlosingher.Iwasonlyeight,soit’snotlikeIcanremembermuchanyway.ButI’vethoughtabouthermoreandmorelately.Andit’sbecauseofyou.”
Nash’sbreathscameoutquicklyandunevenlyashetookinherwords.Shewaslayingoutherfearsandtrustinghimtowadeinthemwithher.
“Nash,youmakemehappy.Everyday,IwakeupandthinkabouthowmuchIwanttotalktoyou.OuradventurestogetherbringsomuchmorejoythanIeverthoughtI’dfeel.IneverthoughtI’dfeellikethisaboutanyone…butIlikeyou.”
Inamillionyears,Nashneverwouldhaveexpectedherconfessiontocomelikethis.Hewasbitter,angry,thrilled,confused,empowered,uncertain,andsweptaway,allatonce.Herstoryandherreasoningforholdingbackwerelikewoundsinawar,eachwordservingasonemorestabfromasword.
Aflashoffurysweptthroughhim.Sheshouldhavementionedit,shouldn’tshe?Wasithisrighttoknowbeforeshewasready?Neitherofthemhadexpectedthis.
Butshelikedhim.ItgaveNashlife.
Hebrushedasolitarytearoffhercheekandgazedintohereyes.“Youmakemereallyhappy.”
Hereyessparkledthroughtears,andthoughhermouthhadfallenthroughthecourseofherstory,shedidn’tmoveawayfromhim.
“Whataboutmyparents?”shewhispered.
“Maybetimehashealedthem.Maybetheywon’twanttoloseanotherdaughter.Let’sseewherethisgoes,andifitcomestothepointwherewetellthem,thenwe’llfigureitouttogether.Onethingatatime.”Thanks,Kate.
Shebrightenedandsighedwithrelief,lettingtearsfallfreelyasherheadtiltedforwardandaburdenhadbeenlifted.
Nashliftedherchinwithhisfingerandwipedhertearsawaywithhisotherhand.Heleanedclosetoher,hiseyesneverleavinghers.Herbreathtickledhischeekashecamewithininchesofherlips,andthetingleitsentuphisspinedrewhimin.
Theymovedtogetherinsymphony,asiftheywerebeingconductedtomakeupforlosttime—forallthetimesNashhadthoughthehaditallanddidn’tneedanythingelse.HishandstraveledtoKiran’sface,cuppingitinhispalms,hisfingerswindingthroughherwavyhair.Herfingertipsstrokedhisstubble,anintimategesturethatleftheightenedtingleswherevershetouched.
WhentheypulledapartandKiran’senrapturedgazefellonhimagain,Nashknewhisworldhadchangedforever.ChapterTwenty-Six
KIRAN
It’sonlySaturday,Kiranthoughthappilywhensheopenedhereyesatnineinthemorning.
ShehatedwhenareallywonderfulSaturdaynightwasfollowedbytherealizationthatSundaywouldbefulloferrandsandpreppingfortheweekahead.Buttoday,thedayaftersheandNashhaddecidedtobetogether,shehadanentiredayaheadofhertosimplybehappy.
Toignorethejabinherstomachandsimplybaskinhavingaboyfriend.
“Ihaveaboyfriend,”shewhisperedtoherselfasshelayinbedanddidahappywiggleunderthecovers.Herphonealreadyhadanunreadmessagefromhim
Nash:Morning,beautiful.
Sheblushed.Itwaslikehighschool.Shewasthenerdfawningoverthejock.
Kiran:Hey,you.Whatareyouupto?
Nash:IwashopingIcouldtakeyououttoday,actually.
Kiran:Twodaysinarow.I’maluckygirl.
Nash:I’llgrabtheZipcarandpickyouupagainaroundnoon.Deal?
Kiran:Areyoudrivingmeintothewoodstokillme?
Nash:Oneofthosetwothingsiscorrect.
Kiranlaughedtoherself.I’llbehere.
Nash:Oh,andwearpants.Andanoldshirt.Andmaybesneakers.
Shefrowned,unsurewhathewasgettingat,butcuriosityovertookher.
Sheboundedoutofbed,fullofenergyandthrilledattheprospectofafewhoursofbeingwithNash.
Byeleventhirty,she’dshowered,dressedinapairoffadedwashjeansandateal-and-blue-plaidbutton-downshirt,rolleduptoherelbows.She’dthrownherlongblackhairintoaponytailwithsomelongerbangsframingherfaceandsmoothedsomesunscreenoverherskinbeforeputtingonsomeeyelinerandmascara.
Shepulleduphertextsagain,wantingtotelltheCMCallaboutlastnight.
Kiran:Okay,areyouready?We’redating.
Payal,asusual,wasthefirsttorespond.Kiranknewshehadherphonegluedtoherhandfromthesecondshewokeup
Payal:YESIKNEWTHISWOULDHAPPENGOODJOBKIRAN!!!
Forthetypicallygrammar-obedientPayal,theexcesspunctuationwasabigdeal.
Sonam:Proudofyouformakingachoicethatworksforyou.Can’twaittomeethim!
Akash:Goodjob,K.Backtobednow.
Payal:AkashmaygotobedbutIwantdetails.Howdidthishappen?!
Kiran:WewenttoBryantParklastnight.Didalittlechocolateroulette.Confessedhowwefelt.Weeventalkedaboutmyparentsalittlebit.
Payal:OMG!Howdoyoufeel?
Kiran:Today,Ifeelamazing.Heisamazing.
Payal:Ahhh,thisissoexciting!I’mthrilledforyou.Whenareyougoingoutonyourfirstofficialcoupledate?
Kiranlookedattheclockbeforetextingback,Literallyintenminutes.
Sonam:Sohappytohearthat.Becarefulandhavefun!
Payal:Useprotection!
Kiranrolledhereyesbutcouldn’thelpthegoofygrinfromstretchingacrossherfaceasshestowedherphoneinherbag—andtheknockatthedoormadeherjump.
Nashwasdressedinapairofjeansandathin,blackhoodiethathadtheVanderbiltUniversitylogoinyellowletteringacrossthefront.Despitebeingthirty,hecouldhavepassedforacollegestudentinhiscasualgearandsneakers,likehe’djustrolledoutofbedanddecidedtogotothecommonsforbreakfast.
ThesightofhimandknowinghewasherstookKiran’sbreathaway.
“Hi,”shewhispered.
Hegrinned,flashinghisbigsmile,andtookasteptowardher,hishandsimmediatelytravelingtoherwaist.Hislipspressedagainsthersgentlybeforehepulledaway.
“Hi,”hesaid,hisfaceonlyinchesfromhers.“Readytogo?”
SheslippedherKedsonandpulledthedoorshutbehindher.
Nashtookherhandbeforetheyreachedthestairs.Hisstrongfingerswovethroughhers,andKirancouldn’trememberthelasttimeshe’ddonethiswithsomeone,relishingthesafetyandcalmnessitbroughttoher.
Nashhaddouble-parkedandlefthisblinkerson.
“Iamninety-twopercentsurethisistwentykindsofillegal,”Kirancommented.
“Ithoughtmyrebelliousnaturewouldimpressyou,”Nashreplied.
Astheysetoff,theirhandsjoinedoverthegearshift,andlightmusicplayinginthebackground—wasthatLewisCapaldi?—servedasasoundtrack.
LittlebutterfliescruisedinKiran’sstomach,andtheydroveincomfortablesilenceupFDRDriveasshestaredoutthewindowattheskylineofBrooklyn,RooseveltIsland,andQueensastheypassedher.
“Sowherearewegoing?”Kiranaskedafterafewminutes.
“Wearecrossingonemorethingoffyourlist.”
“Oh,really?Andwhat’sthat?”Kiranasked.
“You’llsee.”
“Idon’trememberputtinganythingonmylistthatinvolvedacar.”
“Itoldyou…You’llsee.Patienceisavirtue.”
“That’swhatpeoplesaywhentheywanttokeepsecrets.”Kiranpouted.
Nashlaughedbutdidn’tgivein.
Buildings,tightlypackedintheheartofManhattan,beganspacingout,andgreeneryappearedastheyexitedandmergedonhighwaysleadingfartherandfarthernorthandawayfromhome.Kiranstared,wide-eyed,atallthecolorsthathadbeguntoappearontreesasaresultoftheSeptemberair.
“Ineedtogetoutheremoreoften,”Kiranmurmured.
“It’sbeautiful,”Nashagreed.“Iguessweneverknowwhat’soutsideofthebubble.Thecityofferseverythingyoucouldpossiblyneed,andit’ssoeasytoforgetthatthis—nature—istheonethingitlacks.”
Anhourlater,theyhadreachedtheirdestination.Nashpulledintoadirtparkingarea,andthesmellofmanurehitKiran’snose,causinghertowrinkleit.
Nashputthecarinparkandturneditoff.
Kiranclimbedoutofthecar,steppingontomuddygrassandgentlypushingthedoorshutbehindher.Shegazedaroundinsurprise.
“Afarm?”
“Horses,”Nashreplied,leaningagainstthedriver’ssidedoor.Hepointedbehindher.
WhenKiranturnedaround,abeautifulchestnut-coloredhorsestrolledalongsideafence.Whenitlifteditshead,Kiransworeitgaveherawink,thoughitprobablyblinked.
Shegasped.“We’regoinghorsebackriding?”
“Twohoursoftrails.”Hesteppedupnexttoher.
“Nash,ohmygosh…”
Shethrewherarmsaroundhisneck,nearlycausinghimtolosebalanceontheunevengrass.
“Ifiguredwecoulddosomethingnewasacouple.”
Asacouple.ThewordsbroughtasmiletoKiran’sface,andherheartgaveaflutter.
KiranfollowedNashintothemaincabinwheretheymetthemanwhoownedthefarm,signedsomeliabilitypapers,andexitedoutofthebacksideoftheranchintoaholdingareabetweenfencedfields.
Thefarmer,amannamedJohn,hadahandlebarmustacheandabeardthatNashmuttered,“impressive,”inreactionto.Hewouldserveastheirguide,quietlyfollowing.
“Tugrightonthereinstogoright.Lefttogoleft.Ifyoupullback,thehorsewillstop.Gentlyknockyourheelsagainsttheirsidesafewtimestogetthemtogofaster.Andbenice.Theyaretamedandtrained,buttheyarestillanimals.Respectthem.Anyquestions?”
NashandKiranshooktheirheads.
“Well,you’reaboutkneehightoagrasshopper,soI’llgiveyouLightning,”hesaidtoKiran,pointingatablackhorsewithawhitemarkingonhismuzzle.
“Oh,IgettheHarryPotterofhorses!”Kiranexclaimed.
“Andyou,sinceyou’rehersidekick,willgetThunder.He’salittlewilderandalittlebiggersinceyou’retaller.”
“HegavehimtomebecauseI’vegotthunderdownunder,”NashleanedoverandwhisperedtoKiran.
Kiranburstoutlaughing.“Behave.”
Butshehadtowonder…
Johnbroughtthehorsesaround,leadingKiranandNashuptoastepstoolanddirectingthemastheythrewtheirlegsoverthesidesoftheirhorses.
“Now,I’llkeepquietandletyouguysenjoyyourride.I’llfollowthetwoofyou,andyourhorsesknowwheretogo.Butgivemeashoutifyouneedanything.That’swhatI’mherefor,”Johnsaid.
“So,”Nashstartedoncethehorsestooktheirfirststepstowardthetrail.“DidIevermentionthatIgrewupterrifiedofhorses?”
“What?”Kiranwhippedaround.“Whydidn’tyousayanything?”
“Youwereexcited,andIwantedtobetherewhenyougottoexperienceit.”
“Whyareyouscared?”
“I’mnotanymore,”hesaid,butashishorsemoved,hegrabbedthereins.
“Liar.Butforthesakeofprotectingyourego,I’llpretendIbelieveyou.Whywereyouscared?”
“SowhenIwaslittle,Iwenttoabirthdaypartyatafriend’s.Imusthavebeenfiveorsix.Andtheyhadponyrides.Whatkidisn’tgoingtobeexcited,youknow?ButthislittlehorserearedwhenIsatonit,andIfellrightoff,ontomyass,infrontoftheentireparty.”
“Well,Ihopeyourassfeelscomfortableonthathorsenow,”Kiranresponded,fightingalaugh.
Nashchuckledbehindher.
Thethreesetoff,theirhorsesgentlyleadingthemonapathofgrassthathadbeenrundownanddriedout,wherecountlessotherridershadtrodbeforethem.Thepathwasenvelopedbytrees,occasionallyopeningupintofieldsofgrass.ThefallcolorsandtheleavesonthegroundmadeKiranthinkshewassurroundedbyred,orange,andyellowconfetti.
Occasionally,sheturnedaroundtocheckonNash,whowassittingawfullystraightandalertonthebackofhishorseforsomeonewhoclaimedtobefinewhenKiranasked.
ButKiranwasatpeacewiththeside-to-sideswayastheyroamedthecountryside.Herhorsewasagentlegiantthatseemedtoknowitswayaround,unbotheredbywhoitwascarryingonitsback.
Abouthalfwayintotheirtwo-hourride,theycametoaclearing.
“I’llleaveyoutwotoyoursurprise,”Johnsaidasheclimbedoffhishorse.
KirangaveNashaquestioninglook.
Heshruggedinresponse,withasmile.
Johnhelpedbothofthemofftheirhorsesandgrabbedtheirreins,leadingthemtoanearbytree.
“Whatarewedoing?”askedKiran.
“Ifiguredwecouldhavesomes’mores.Iknowit’salittlelessmagicalwhenit’snotnightoutside,butIdidmybest.”
Nashpointedatafirepitfiftyfeetaway,withlogstoserveasseatssurroundingit.
“And,”Nashadded,“Iaskedforveganmarshmallowsforyou.”
Kirancouldhavekissedhimthenandthere.Thethoughtfulnessofthisentireoperationwasstaggering.
“Thankyou,”shemanaged.“Seriously.Thisismorethanenough.”
Shehopedthelookonherfacecouldconveywhatherheartwasscreaming,thatthismanwasamazingandthatsheadoredhim.
Johnlitafire,addingkindlingtoitfromapilebythetreebeforegoingofftotakecareofthehorses.Theystucktheirchoiceofmarshmallows,veganornonvegan,ontheendsoftheirroastingsticksanddangledthemovertheflame,watchingtheoutsidebrownandcrisp.
“Thisremindsmeoffallbackhome,”Nashsaid.
“Why’sthat?”
“I’vetoldyouIspentalotoftimeatBrandon’shousegrowingup.Hisfamilyhadafirepitintheirbackyard.WeusedtogotofootballgamesonFridaynightsandthenroastmarshmallowsandhangoutwithallourfriendsaroundafireuntilmidnight,orwheneverwehadcurfew.”
“Didyouhaveacurfew?”
“Nah…mymomdidn’tlaydownthelawaboutthat,butIthinksheknewIwasalwayssafeattheMcGuires’anyway.”
“Myparentswerereallystrict,”Kiranremembered.“TheywereprotectiveoverKirti,butitwenttolevel-tenoverprotectionwithme.Butthentheyletmegotoboardingschool.Iguessitwasabalanceofwhattheycouldcontrolversuswhattheysawforme.”
“Didyoueverhavearebelliousphase?”
Maybenow
“No,notreally,”Kiransaidinstead,pushingthethoughtoutofhermind.“Didyou?”
“Nope.Imean…weedonceortwiceinhighschool.Typicalstuff.ButI’mprettyboring.”
Kiranlaughed.“I’dhardlycallyouboring.”
Nash’scheekstingedpink,andKiranwasendearedbyhishumility.
“Thankyou,bytheway.”
“Forwhat?”Hepeeledthemarshmallowofftheendofhisstick.
“Forbeingthrownoffaponyandstillgivingmethisexperience.”
“Itwasonyourlist…andIwanttoencourageyoutokeepcrossingthingsoff.You’vedonethesameforme.”Heshruggedbeforemurmuring,“Andyoumeanalottome.”
“Youmeanalottometoo,Nash.”
Andhissmile,itoccurredtoKiran,burnedbrighterthananyflameinfrontofthem.ChapterTwenty-Seven
NASH
Nash’srunswerepersonalbeststhisweek.Hedidn’tknowifitwasfromlastSaturdayandseeingthelookofsheerjoyonKiran’sfacewhenshe’drealizedtheywereatahorsefarmorfromthesimplermomentsthroughouttheweek,likeKiranknockingonhisdoorandthetwoofthemspendingafewhoursstealingkisseswhilebingingonNetflixshows
Eitherway,itwasKiran,therootofhappinessforhim.Addinanewcityandexploringitinafunway,alotoflaughter,Brandonnearby,andajobheloved…Well,Nashwasprettydarnlucky.
Brandon:HowgoesitwithKiran?
Nash:She’sawesome.How’sTasha?
Brandon:Alsoawesome.Youdoinganythingtoday?
Nash:Yeah,IwantedtoeatsomegoodNYpizza.Kiranwantedtohang.Anysuggestions?
Brandon:DiFarainBrooklyn.Don’taskquestions.Justgo.
Kiranknockedonthedooraroundnoon.
WhenNashopenedit,hecouldn’thelpbutsmile.Shewaswearingapairofjeanswithblackflatsandapale-bluecardiganoverablacktanktop.Herhair,typicallystraightenedandworndown,wasupinamessybunwithtendrilsframingherface.
“Hi,”shesaid.
Hegrabbedherandpulledherinsideinresponse,pressinghislipstohersandhungrilyrunninghistongueoverherbottomlip.Kiranrespondedwiththesameenthusiasm,wrappingherarmsaroundhisneckandpressingupagainsthischest.
“Hi,”hesaidwhentheypulledapart.
“Well,nowIcan’trememberwhatweweregoingtodoallday,butwecoulddomoreofthat.”Shesmirked.
“You’llneverhearmeargueagainstit,”herespondedbeforekissingheragain.
Afewminutespassed,withKiranleaningagainstthedoorandNash’shandsexploringtheskinatherwaistbeforeherstomachgurgled.
“Thatwasattractive,”shemumbled.
“Ididn’trealizeIwasdatingGodzilla!”Nashlaughed.
“Watchyourself.”
“Okay,well,let’sfixthatgrumble.”
“Let’sgetpizza.AproperNewYorkpizza.”
NashthoughtofBrandon’stextfromthemorning.“Ihaveaplaceinmind.”
ItwasashortwalkfromthesubwaystopinBrooklyntoDiFaraPizza,atinyplacewithawindowwhereaworkerwasservingpizzatothelinestretchingdowntheblock.
“Wow,Brandonwasn’tlying,”Nashsaid.“Thisplacehastobegoodifthere’saline,right?”
“Brooklyn’sgotsomeofthebestpizzaplacesinNewYork,”Kiransaid.“Thiswillbeworthit.”
“Canyourbellyhandlethewait?”
“Wejustspentanhouronatraintogetthispizza.Afewmoreminuteswon’thurt.”Kirangaveanexaggeratedsigh.“ThethingsIdoforyou.”
Nashrolledhiseyesandweavedhisfingersthroughhers,leadinghertothebackoftheline.ItwassillyhowcontenthefeltwhenKiran’ssmallhandsfitintohis,butthatclichéaboutpuzzlepieceswastrue—KiranandNashfittogether.
“Howareyourparentsdoing?”
“They’regood.Mydadthinkshe’syoungenoughtodomorethanheshould,andmymomisamotherhenwholikestotelleveryonewhattodo.”ButthewayKiransoftenedwhenshespokeaboutthemtoldNashthathercomplaintsweremadewiththeutmostlove.
“Haveyouthoughtaboutifyoumightwanttotellthemaboutusyet?”
“Oh.Um.AmIsupposedto?”Hereyesdartedawayfromhim.
Nashfeltapangofsomethingbutcouldn’tplacehisfingeronit.“No,youdon’thaveto.We’veonlybeendatingashortwhile.”
“I’lltellthem,”shepromised.“ButIwanttoenjoyyoufirst.”
Nashtriedtoignoretheunsettledfeelinghehadbutremindedhimselfthey’dbeendatingonlyaweekandthatwhiletheintensityofwhathefeltwasenormous,logicdidn’tdictategoingallinaftersuchashorttime.Shewouldn’tleave—shejustneededtodothisonhertime.
“Nash,”Kiransaidgently,pullingonhisarm.“Comebacktome.”
Helookedather.
“I’lltellthem.It’sapromise.”
Theearnestnessinherexpressionerasedanydoubt,andhenoddedhishead,pacified.“Idon’twanttoforceyou.Iknowitsoundsridiculousmentioningittothemsosoon.Iknowthey’reimportanttoyou,that’sall.”
“Theyare.You’reright.Andsoareyou.”Kirankissedhischeek.
Hegaveheraquickpeckontheforehead,breathinginherscentofsandalwoodandroses,thelingeringfragrancefromtheincenseheknewshekeptinthecornerbysomeHindufigurines.
Astheysteppeduptotheservicewindow,Nashpaidtendollarsfortwoslicesofcheesepizzaforthetwoofthem.
Kirantookabitebeforehedid,andhercheeksfilleduplikeachipmunk’s.
“Wow,”Nashmanaged,staringather.Hetookabiteofhisownandgroanedloudly,inaweofthefreshtasteofoliveoildrizzledontothetopofthesliceandhowitbroughttheflavorstogether.
Kiran’seyeswidened;sheblushedandlookedawayquickly.
“What?Thispizzaislikeasliceofheaven.”
“Ijust…hadadirtythoughtwhenyoumadethatnoise,”Kiranmumbled.
Nashraisedhiseyebrows.“Lookatyourfilthymind,KiranMathur.”
“Oh,shhh.IfImadethesamesound,you’dthinkittoo.”
“Holdon.I’mpicturingthat.”
“Don’tfantasizeinpublic!”
“Toolate.”
Kiransmackedhisarmplayfullybeforetakinganotherbite.
Theyleanedagainstawallaroundthecornerfromtheshop,eatingincontentedsilence.KiranfinishedinhalfthetimeittookNash.
“NowIfeelterribleaboutmakingyouwaittoeat.Youscarfedthatdown.Doyouwantanotherslice?”
“No…Ihaveabetteridea.”
“What?”
“Comewithme.”
ShegrabbedhishandandbeganpullinghimtowardtheAvenueJtrainstation.Theyscannedtheirsubwayticketsandlistenedtotheloudscreechesontherailsfromothertrainsastheypassedbeforefinallyboardingtheonemeantforthem.
Finally,whenNashwasbeginningtothinkthey’dloopedaroundBrooklynsomehow,theyarrivedinCarrollGardens.
“Thattookforever.Also,Ialwaysthoughtpublictransportationwassupposedtoshortenajourney.”
“Well,Nashville,sometimesitdoesn’t.Stopwhining.It’snotlikeyouhaveanywherebettertobe.”
“That’strue.I’dratherbewithyouthananywhereelseanyway.”
Kiranlitupathisremark.
“Okay,sowherearewegoing?”
“TooneofmyfavoritestreetsinBrooklynforatreat!”
SmithStreetwaslikeseeingmultipleerascomecrashingtogetherinaneclecticexplosion.Thearchitecturecontrastedbetweenturnofthecentury,industrial,andmodern,withboutiques,nichestores,andchainsallatonce.ItwassouniqueincomparisontotheirEastVillageneighborhoodthatNashspentmostoftheirwalkgazingatallthedetails.
“Thisneighborhoodissoupyouralley,”Kirancommented.
“Iagree.It’salittlehipster.Alittlequirky.Lotsofpersonality.”
“Exactly.Justlikeyou.”
Theystoppedinfrontofawhitebuildingwithprojectingglasswindows,seatingplacedontheinsidesothatvisitorscouldwatchthosepassingbyonthestreet.Pinkmehndipatternsdecoratedthewindows,andadoorinthesamepinkledinside.
“Icecream?”Nashasked.“Wecouldn’tgotoaplacenearby?”
“Notjustanyicecream.It’sallIndian-inspired,”Kiransaid,hervoicebubblingwithexcitement.
“Allright,I’msold.Let’sdothis,”Nashsaid.
Theinsideofthestorewasasminimalastheoutside.Thewhitestuccowallshadasubtle,whitemehndipatternrisingfromthem,atinydetailthataddedcultureintoaminimalspace.Thehardwoodgrayfloorsaddedneutrality,whilethepinkbackwallwastheonlymajorpopofcolor.Themenuhungbehindawhitecounterwithpinkdesignsonit,anothersplashofpink.
AsKiranandNashnearedthecountertoplacetheirorder,hishandonherwaist,hecouldsenseKiran’senergyriseandatinybounceappearedinherstepinexcitement.
“WhatcanIgetyou?”askedthegirlbehindthecounter.
“CanIsamplethemasalachai?”Kiranansweredbeforeshe’devenfinishedthequestion,hergiganticgringivingawayhowhappyshewas.
“YoucantakethegirloutoftheCMCbutcan’ttakethechaioutofher,apparently,”Nashsaid,rememberingthenicknameforhercrewofbestfriends.
“Thisisn’tforme,silly.Actually.”Sheturnedtothegirlagain.“CanIhavetwoofthosesamples?Nowhe’smakingmewantsometoo.”
SheturnedbacktoNash.
“It’sforus.Chaiiswhatbondeduswhenwemetafterall.”
Nashgentlyrubbedherlowerbackinresponse,warmedtohersentimentality.“Thenthatsoundsperfect.”
Thecooltasteofcardamom,vanilla,sugar,cream,cloves,andgingerfloodedhissenses.
“Okay,Itakebackallthecynicismaboutcomingthisfarforicecream.Thisisamazing.”
“Itoldyou!”
Theytriedafewmoresamplesofmangoandcream,rosewithcinnamon-roastedalmonds,andsweetrotiandghee.Nashhadnevertastedsomanyrichflavorsindessertsbefore,andhewaseagertokeepgoing,certainhe’dtryeverythingonthemenu.
Eventually,hesettledonacupofcarrothalwa,aflavorhehadbeendubiousaboutbecausewhoputscarrotsinicecream?Buthe’dbeensoshockedatthepleasantsweetnessofitthathe’dfoundhimselfwantingagianttwo-scoopcupofit.
Kiranorderedtwoscoopsofrosewithcinnamon-roastedalmonds,inaconemadeofjaggery.
“Sowhatisjaggery,exactly?”Nashasked,staringattheconeKiranwasholding,whentheysatatagoldtableonpinkchairs.
“It’sabrownsugar.YoucanuseitasabaseinalotofIndiansweetswhenyoumeltitwithwaterorghee.”
“Thatsoundsawesome.”Nashtookalickofhisicecream,relishingit.
“Itis.Mymomusedtomakethissweetwithjaggeryformybirthday.She’dtoastcashewsinbutterandmixthemwithalittlecardamom,thenmixricewithjaggeryandputthenutsontop.Sheusedtoofferitatthetemplefirst,asprashad,oranoffering.Iswearthatonlymadeittastebetter,”Kiransaidfondly.
“Doyouknowhowtomakeityourself?”
“Ido…butit’sdifferentwhenyourmommakesitandit’sinfusedwithsomesortofmagicthatyoucannevercaptureonyourown.”
Nashnodded,givingasmallsmileandfeelingasmallpanginhischest.
“Ohmygosh.”Kiranpaled.“I’msosorry,Nash.Iblanked.Ididn’tmeantobesoinsensitive.”
“No,it’sokay.”Nashwashonest.“Idon’tknowwhatthatfeelslike,butitdoesn’tmeanIcan’timagineit.AndIimagineyoumustmissherwhenyoudon’tgetthatsweetonyourbirthdaynow.”
Kirannodded.“That’ssomethingwe’llhavetolearn,right?Thesidesofeachotherwedon’timmediatelyunderstand.”
Nashgazedather,earnestlylookingbackathim—withagiantbloboficecreamonherupperlip.Hestifledalaugh
“What?”
“You’vegoticecreamonyourface…I’llgetit.”
Andheleanedinandkisseditoffher.
“ThatwassuchaBollywoodhokeymove.”Shelaughed.
“WouldyouratherInotkissyou?”
“Don’tyoudare.Getoverhere,”shesaidbeforeleaninginagain.
AcooldripoficecreamhitNash’shand,whichrestedonthetable.
“Yourealizeyou’redrippingeverywhere,right?”
Kiranlookeddown.Linesoficecreamhadbeguntotraildownherhand,andshefranticallylickedupherwrist,tryingtopreventitfromcontinuingtomakeamess.Nashtriedtoignorethesightofhertonguemovinggently.
“Ididn’tcatchthatIwasdatingatoddler.Haven’tyouevereatenanicecreamconebefore?”
“Shutup!Youdistractedme!”
Nashgotupandpickedupsomenapkinsfromthecounter.Hewrappedhishandsaroundherwrist,wipingdownthestickiness,andwhenhetouchedherskin,Kiranlockedeyeswithhim.Heslowedforasecond,allowinghisinsidestofillupwithhappiness.
Andevenwhenshepulledherhandawayandplayfullypushedhericecreamconeintohisface,hewascertaintherewasnowherehe’dratherbebutinBrooklyn,atatinyIndianicecreamshop,withagirlwhomadehisworldturn.ChapterTwenty-Eight
KIRAN
“It’snicetoseehimmakeyousohappy,”PayalremarkedassheandKiransatacrossfromeachotheratacoffeeshopontheLowerEastSide.
“Youknow,inthelastmonth,aswitchhasturnedon.Ifeelfuller,likeI’mcarryingmorehappinessinsideofme.Ididn’tknowitwaspossible.It’snotlikeIwasincompletebeforeImethim.Buttheadditionofhimhasmadelife…somuchmore.”Kiranshrugged.Shedidn’thavethewords.
IthadbeenoveramonthsincethenightinBryantParkwhensheandNashhaddecidedtobetogether—andKirancouldn’thelpbutfeelbetterforit,despitethenaggingfeelingthatshewasbetrayingherfamily.
“Haveyoutoldyourparentsyet?”Payalasked,asthoughshe’dreadthefootnoteattheendofKiran’sthoughts.
“Getoutofmyhead.”
“Icanseeitonyourface,”Payalsaid,pointingwithafingerwhileshesippedhercoffee.
“Therearesomepalpabledifferencesbetweenus.Hedoesn’thaveafamily.Ican’tlivewithoutmine.AndbeingIndianisenoughofadifferencesometimes—explainingwhatitfeelsliketobeanimmigrant,ortheworldIgrewupwith,orevencertainfoods…translatingmeaningsofwordstoconveyaspecificemotion.Someofthoseaspectsaretiring,thoughI’mhappytodoitbecausehe’ssospecialtome.”
“Ithinkthat’stheproblemforanyonewhostraddlestwocultures,Kiran.You’refromIndiasothat’sadifferentexperience.Butforpeoplelikeus,whogrewuphere,it’sbothsimilaranddifferent.Therearealwaystwoworldsatplay,andtheysometimesclash.”
“Truth.”Kirannodded.
“You’llfigureitout.Youalwaysdo.”Payaltossedherhairoverhershoulderbeforespeakingagain.“Wanttogoshopping?”
“Isn’tthatwhatwedidallafternoon?”Kiransaidindisbelief.“Wespentthreehourswalkingaround.”
“Well,thatwasforme,butnowIhavetostylesomeone,soIhavetoshopforthem.”
Kiranshookherheadwithalaugh.“Iloveyou,butshoppingforyouistiringenough.”
“Fine,fine.Don’tsupportmydreams.”
“Don’teventryandplaythatcard,miss.”
Payalstuckhertongueout.
“Sowhatisstylingpeopleaboutanyway?Ithoughtyoudesignedclothes,notusedotherbrands’clothing.”
“Stylingpeopleletspeopleknowwhatmytastesandaestheticis.ItbuildsupagoodprofileasIdesignandbeginworkingonmyownstuff.”
“Areyounervousaboutthisnextstep?”Kiranasked.“Iwouldbeterrified,ifI’mhonest.”
“Youknow…yesandno.Ononehand,tellingmyparentsIdon’twanttotakeoverthecompanytheygroomedmeforwillprobablygoterribly.Butontheotherhand,fashionmakesmehappy.Ifeelpowerful.Idon’tknowifIwanttogivethatupeither.”
Kirancouldrelate.
“Thendon’tletgo.Taketheadviceyougaveme,andtakeitstepbystep.It’llworkout.”
“Thanks,Kiran,”Payalsaidgratefully.“AreyoumeetingNashsoon?”
“Yes,hesaidhe’dmeetmearoundsix.”
“Okay,well,it’sfivenow,andIknowyouwantedtopickupdinner,soIwon’tkeepyoufromyourromanticouting.Havefun.Useprotection.”
KiranrolledhereyesbutgavePayalahugandleftthecoffeeshopbehind.
ShestrolledupClintonStreettoanIndianrestaurantwhereshe’dplacedanorder.She’dgottenPayal’shelpinselectingthebestchickendishestheyhadandorderedafewofherownfavorites,resultinginaplasticbagfilledwithenoughtakeouttofeedasmallarmy
Sheluggeditfortwentyminutes,windingbackdownClintonStreet,allthewaytoFDRDrive.TheNovemberairwaschilly,andthebeadsofsweatonherbrowfromherwalkcooledassoonastheyformed.
Nashsharedhislocationwithherjustasshewasarriving,andshefoundhimsittingonahighbenchchair,facingthewater.
“Wow,younaileditontheseatsandtheview,”Kiransaid.
“Hi,baby,”Nashsaidasheslidofftheseatandgaveheraquickpeck.“What’dyouget?”
“IbroughtIndianfoodfordinner!Ifigureditwastime.”
“You’renotwrong.Betweenthiswater,theview,andyou…tryingIndianfoodsoundsliketheperfectcombination.”
Theysettledintotheirchairsontheedgeofawoodenplatformthatseemedtoperchontopofthewaterasthoughtheywerefloatinginthemiddleofthewaves.
TheEastRiverflowedquicklyunderneaththeBrooklynBridgeandtheManhattanBridgeinfrontofthem.Intheeveningdimness,theyappearedastwinklingdesignsoflightagainstadarkeningsky,withabackdropofBrooklynandallitsglimmeringactivity.Thesoundofthewaterwassoothing,likeahumorawhisperinthebackground,servingasasoundtracktotheirnight.
“Okay,whatamIeating?”Nashasked,examiningthespreadKiranhadlaidoutinfrontofthem.
“Samosasandalootikkitostart.Chickenmakhani,naan,andbhindimasala—which,funfact,mymomusedtosaywouldmakemesmartwhenIwaslittle—kheerfordessertandraitatocooloffyourbellyattheend.”
Nashstaredather.“Yourappetiteissimultaneouslythesexiestandscariestthingaboutyou.”
“I’mgoingtotakethatasacomplimentandstarteating.”
Shepulledoutthedisposableplatesshe’drequestedfromtherestaurantanddoledoutalittlebitofeverythingontotheplate.
“Here,youtakeit,”Nashoffered.
“No,inIndia,guestsareconsideredsacred.Yougetfoodfirst.”
“Butwe’renotathome…orinIndia.”
“Well,we’llpretendsinceit’sthefoodofmypeople.”
Nashlaughed.“Soundsgood.ButI’llwaituntilyou’veservedyourselftoo.”
“Okay,firstbiteofthesamosaonthree.One.Two.Three!”
Nashtookabite,andKiranwatchedhisfaceasshechewedonthefluffybreadedcrustsurroundingaspicypotato-and-peamixture.Nashclosedhiseyesandsmackedhislipstogether.
“Keepitcoming.Thisisalreadyanamazingmeal.”
Kirancouldn’twipethesmileoffherface.
SomethingaboutNashlovingIndianfoodwasasthoughhelovedapartofherthattherestoftheworlddidn’tquiteunderstand.Itsoundedsilly,really,tothinkthatway,butherrootsweresoembeddedinthefiberofwhoshewasthatNashlovingthatsideofherwaslikeheentwinedhimselfinthemtoo.
Theydevouredthefriedgoodnessofthetikkinext.KiranshowedNashhowtoscoopbhindimasalaintotornpiecesofnaan,feedingittohimandtryingnottogaspashelickedthetipsofherfingerswhenshefedhim.Shewaitedtoobservehowherespondedtothechickenmakhaniandlostherselfinthewayhedescribeditandinhaledtheentirecontainerfullofit.TheydugintotheraitaasNashmarveledovertheslightlysouryogurtmixedwithveggies.Whentheybothdivedintothekheer,thesweetnessofthemilkandricewastheperfectending.
“Isurrender,”Nashsaid,puttinghisnapkindownafterthey’dfinishedmostofthekheer.
“Me.Too.”Kiranshifteduncomfortablyinherseat.
“ThatmighthavebeenthebestmealI’vehadinthiscity.Thankyouagainforsharingitwithme.”
“I’llshareeverythingwithyou,”shesaidsoftly.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Theybothstood,stillmovingheavily,asthoughtheirbellieshadphysicallygrownfromeatingsomuch.
Nashgesturedtowardthelightedpathwayonthepier,headingfartherintothemiddleoftheriver.Abuildingontheleftsidehadawhiteceilingthatsweptupwardaboveawoodenplatform.Thestairsleadinguptotheplatformlitupinthenight,andatthetop,hangingfromtheperchofthewhiteceiling,weregiantswingsthatremainedunoccupied.
KiranheldNash’shand,throwingawaytheirbagoftrashastheymadetheirwaytotheswingsandsatnexttoeachother,stillgazingoutatthelightsandthewater.
“Favoriteplaygroundequipmentwhenyouwereakid?”Nashasked.
“Thejunglegym.Whataboutyou?”
“Theswings.BrandonandIwereswingingchampions.”
“Pleasedon’ttrythathere.”Kirangiggled.“Idon’tknowiftheseswingscouldhandleit.”
“Istoppedbeingwildaboutitwhenwewereeight,”Nashconfessed.
“Becauseyougrewoutofit?”
“BecauseBrandontriedtoconvincemehecouldfly,andhelandedonhisarmandbrokeit.”
Kiranwinced.“Yikes.”
“Iknow.HeruinedSupermanformeforlife.”
“Youknow,youkindofarelikeSuperman.”
“Howso?”
“Alittlebitofaloner…smart.Kind.Quietlysavingpeople.”
“Well,thatmightbethegreatestcomplimentofalltime.”
“Imeanit,”shesaid,lightlytracinghisfingerswithherown.“ExceptIdon’tthinkyouhavekryptonite.”
“Ido.”
“Whatisit?”
Heremainedthoughtfulforamoment,hiseyesdriftingacrossthelandscapebeforehefinallyspoke,hisexpressionpained.“I’mafraidofbeingleft.”
Whenshefrowned,hewenton.
“WhyelsedoyouthinkIonlyhaveBrandonandKate?It’snotbecauseI’mameanguy—oratleastIhopeI’mnot.ButItendnottoformrelationshipsunlessI’mcertainthey’lllast.I’vebeenabandonedbefore.Italsogivesmelesschancetoscrewuporhurtpeople.”
Kiranputherheadonhisshoulder,takinghishand.“Youwouldn’tscrewup.”
“Idon’twanttotakethechance.”
“So…outsideofthefactthatwe’redating,whydidyoutellmethat?”Kiransearchedhiseyes.
“BecauseIconnectedwithyou.I’minarelationshipwithyou.Andthatmeanssomethingtomeand…Iwantedyoutoknowthat.You.This.Us.Itmeanssomuchtome.”
AsirensoundedinKiran’schest,bothwarningherandindicatingthatshehadlostcontrol.
“Youmeansomuchtometoo,”shewhisperedbackbeforeleaningintobrushhislipswithhers.
Theysatforminutes,maybeevenhours,incontentedsilence—twopeoplewhobeganasstrangersandendedupbecomingsomuchmore.
AsKiranclimbedthestairstoherapartmentafterthey’dtakenanUberfortheshortdrivebacktotheirapartmentbuilding,Nashfollowedclosebehind.
“Thankyouforbeingvulnerablewithmetonight,”shemurmured,leaningagainstherdoor.“Iknowitwasn’teasy.”
“Imeantit.You’reworthit…andItrustyou.”
Shewantedtotellhimheshouldn’t.Thattheworldwasascaryplacethathadexpectationsofherthatshewasn’tsureshecouldmeasureupto.Thatshedidn’twanttotrytomeetthem.Thatshewantedhimandonlyhim.
Instead,shekissedhim.Slowly.Gently.Andthenharder.
Andwitheachtinygaspofhersandthequietsighsheallowedtoescapehim,Kiranlostherself,andeverythoughtaboutwhatwouldhappeninthefutureevaporatedinthespacebetweenthem.
Herlipsparted,andhistonguelefttinglesacrossherbottomlipashetrailedacrossit.
Nashkissedthecornerofhermouth,hissoftlipsleavingpressurebehindashemovedfromhercheekbones,toherlipsagain,toherjawline,toherneck,andtoherearlobe.
“Comeinside,”shegaspedagainsthisear.
Whenhefollowedherin,sheknewshe’dneverfeltsoalive.ChapterTwenty-Nine
NASH
WhenNashHawthornewokeupthenextmorning,hefeltlikeagiddyteenager.
HisfirstthoughtonwakingwasKiran,herbacktohim,herlightbreathscreatingasteadycadence.
Havingsomeonetocareaboutwasanovelty.Ithadbeenafewyearssincehewasinarelationship,andthisonewasunlikeanythinghe’deverexperiencedbefore.
Therewasadifferencebetweenbeingaloneandfeelinglonely.
Nashhadneverwantedforcompanywhenhewasgrowingup.Hisimportantmomentsalwayshadlovedonespresent,evenifitwasn’thisparentswhowereshowingup.AuntKateneverlethimdown.NeitherdidtheMcGuires.Heneverfeltlonelyordepressedbecausenoonecared
Butbeingalonewasanentirelydifferentconcept.Hehadbeenalone.AuntKate,nomatterherintentionandsupportandefforts,wasn’thisfull-timemother.TheMcGuiresmightaswellhavebeenfamily;however,theyweren’tthereeverysinglenight.
AndwakingupnexttoKiranmadeNashfeellikehedidn’twantanyonebuthernexttohimwhenheopenedhiseyes.
Kiranstirred.Sherolledoverandsmiledathim,andhisheartskippedabeat
“What’reyoudoing?”Sherubbedhereyes.
“Thinkingaboutarun…andwatchingyou,”headmitted,hischeekswarming.
“Cardiothisearly?”Kiranasked,makingaface.
“Well,ifit’slikewhatwedidlastnight,itcouldbefun…”Nashwrappedhisarmsaroundherwaistandpulledherclose.
“Goodpoint,”shemurmuredasshekissedhim.
Afterafewblissfulhoursinbed,Kiranhadtodropoffsomedrycleaning,andNashfinallydraggedhimselfawaytohisapartmenttochangeandgoforarun.
Ashepoundedthepavementaroundafewblocks,hesmiledatstrangers,stoppedtopetadog,andevensaidhellotoahomelesspersontotheirpuzzledbewilderment.
WithhisT-shirtsoakedthroughandbreathingheavily,heclimbedthestairstotheirapartmentbuilding.
Beforeheheadedtothedoorofhisplace,hestoppedbythemailbox.
Heflippedthroughafewenvelopes—electricbillsfromConEdison,hiscellphonebill,andastudent-loanpaymentbillforthemonth.
Thefinallettercaughthisbreath,andhestoppedinthehall,unintentionallyblockinganotherresidentfromexitingthebuilding.Hemovedwithanapologybutdidn’tglanceupashestaredatthehandwrittenaddressesonthefront
ThereturnaddresswasfromPhiladelphia.Andtherecipient’snamewasoneheneverthoughthe’dseeonanykindofcorrespondenceagain.
KirkHawthorne.
Hisfather.
Nashflippedtheenvelopeovercuriously,andhisfingersranoverthefoldedflapdisguisingwhateverwasinside.Hecouldn’thelpbutimaginehisdadsealingitwiththeintentionofNashreadingitscontentsinadayortwo.
Thenanoverpoweringthoughttookover.
Hedidn’twanttoknow.
Howmanytimeshadhewonderedwhilegrowingupwhatitwouldbeliketohaveafather?Hecouldn’tcountthenumberoftimesherantothedoorwhenhewaslittleandhopedhisdadwouldfinallycomeinafteraworkday.Whyhadn’theevensentNashabirthdaycardinalltheseyears?
Nash’smotherhadtoldhimthatKirkhadevenleftthejobattheautoshopwhenhefledhome.He’dliterallyrunawayfromhisownfamilyandhisownlife.He’drunawayfromNash.
Wouldaletterchangeanyofthat?
Nashknewhecouldn’tgetbackthetwenty-fiveyearshe’dwaitedforhisfathertoshowup.Theyweregone.He’dfacedhismother’sproblem,hismilestoneslikegoodgrades,trackawards,andgraduations,andhismother’sdeathallwithoutKirk.Forallhecared,KirkwasaDNAdonorandnotdeservingofthetitleoffather
Nashthrewtheletteronthecounterwherehelefttherestofthemailandwenttoshower.
Hehadabeautifulgirlfriendandacareerhe’dworkedforhisentirelife.
Ahalf-assedletterwouldn’tchangeanyofthat,andNashwasgoingtomoveforward.Thedamagehadalreadybeendone,andaletterwastoolittle,toolatetohealwhatNashhadfacedalone.ChapterThirty
KIRAN
Shedidn’ttellanyoneofherplans—noteventheCMC.Rather,shepracticedinthemirrorandenvisionedhowtheconversationshouldgoonthephone.
Ma.Baba.Iloveyou.Youaremyworld,andIhavealwaysrespectedallyou’vegivenupforme.IrememberthenightswhenBabaworkedalldayandthencamehometohelpmestudy.IrememberthenightsMamadedinnerandfedmebyhandbecauseIfelttakingtimetoeatwasawastewhenIcouldbestudying.Everymoveyouhavemadehasbeentogivemeabetterlife.IhopethatyoutrustIcarryyouwithmeeveryday.Youmusttrustmyjudgment—thatIwouldneverdoanythingtohurtyou.IknowthatwhenKirtigotmarried,itwasdevastatingforourfamily.Thepanchayatchangedourliveswhentheytoldustodisownher.ButyouliveinDelhinow,andwhileIknowthatdoesn’tchangementalityortheconnectionsyouholdtoRamnagar,Ihopethatitfreesyourburden.AndIhopethemovewillletyouacceptme…becauseI’vestartedseeingsomeone,andhe’sanAmerican.
MaandBabawouldprotest.TheywouldaskhowKiranwouldraisechildrenwithIndiancultureifshewasinAmerica.Inhermind,sheformulatedaresponse.
Iknowyou’reshockedandyou’reafraid.I’malittlescaredtoo.ButNashisopentoraisingchildrenanywayIwouldliketoraisethem.AndIhavePayal,Sonam,andAkashasmybestfriends.DespitegrowingupintheWest,theyareawareofourtraditionsandourcultures.Theycanhelpme.IamconfidentthatIcanmakeyouproud.
Kiranvisualizedtheconversationmorethantentimesinfrontofthemirror,comingupwithcounterargumentsfortheinevitableargumentsBabaandMawouldbringup.Shethoughtthroughtheentireproblemlikeshewouldconsideraproject.Whatwastheproblem?Whatwasthenextstep?Whatifthatstepfailed?Whatwasthebackup?
ButKirtihaddraggeditoutfornearlyayear,sneakingouttoseethemanshelovedandexchanginglettersthroughfriendswhenBabaandMahadtriedtoconfinehertotheirhome.TherewasdeceitandpaininvolvedwiththewayKirtihadconductedherself.
Kirandidn’twanttodothesamething
Whenherhearthadstoppedpoundingandshewasconfidentinhercannedresponses,sheslowlydialedthenumberfortheapartmentinDelhi.
“Hallo?”Ma’svoiceshoutedagreeting.
“Ma?”Kiransaid.
“Hanh,Kiran!Hello!Kaiseho?”
“I’mgood,”respondedKiraninHindi.“IwantedtotalktoyouandBaba.Canyouputhimonspeakerifheisthere?”
“Hanh,yes!”
KiranheardfumblingontheendofthelineasMapushedthespeakerbuttonandmovedaround.SheheardmuffledshoutsforBabatocomejoinherinthelivingroomandthatKiranhadcalled.
“Kiran!Beta,tellus.Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout?”
Kirantookastabilizingbreath.Herentirepreparedspeechflashedbeforehereyes…andthenfelltopiecesassheblurtedout,“IwantedtotellyouthatI’vefoundsomeone.He’sAmerican.”
Silencefollowed.
“Hello?Baba?Ma?Didthelinecut?”Kiranglancedatherphonetoseeifthecallhaddisconnected.
“That’sfunny,Kiran.You’reajoker.”Babalaughed,buttherewasnohumor.
Kiranpaused.Everyoneknewshewasn’tamischievousperson…andshecertainlywouldn’tplayaprankwithasubjectthathitsoclosetohome.
“Baba,I’mserious,”shesaidsoftly
“Youwhat?”
Kiranrecoiledasthoughherfatherhadyelledatherinperson.Hehardlyeverraisedhisvoice.ThelasttimesherememberedhimyellingwasatavendorwhohadcheatedanothershopkeeperinRamnagar…whenshewasten.
“Baba,Iknowthisisscary.I’mafraidtoo.ButNashisadoctor.Ihopeyoucantrustmyjudgment—”
“WedidnotsendyoutoAmericaforthiskindofbetrayal!”Mashouted.
Nowbothofherparentswereworkedup.Kiranwincedattheturnofeventsshehadn’tpreparedherselffor.Shehadferventlywishedtheconversationwouldgoaccordingtothescriptshe’dimagined,andthiswasunfurlingatarapid-firepaceoutofhercontrol.
“Baba,Ialwaysdidwhatweintended.Iwenttoschool,andIgotarespectablejobasanengineer.”
“Youthinkbecauseyoupayusmoneyeachmonththatyoucandowhatyouwant?Isthisanarrangementwhereyoupayussoyoucanwhorearound?”Ma’swordscutacrossKiran’sheartlikeglassacrossskin.
“IdonotsendyoumoneysoIcandowhatIwant.Doyouthinkyouraisedsomeonewhowouldbribeyou?”Kiranappealedtotheirreasoning,butthehurtshe’dcausedbyadmittingshehadn’tstucktotheplanwastoodeeptorepair.Mawasonaroll.
“MydaughterthinksthatbecauseshewenttotheUnitedStates,shecandowhatevershewants.Youforgetyourroots,Kiran!Youareavillagegirl.”
“Ineverforgetmyroots!”
“Moneyhasmadeyoubetterthanus,”Babasaidbitterly.
“Baba,Iamstillyourdaughter.Nothinghaschanged.”
“IwouldratherhaveapoordaughterinRamnagarthanarichoneintheUnitedStateswhodoesnotvalueus.”
Kiranfeltasthoughshe’dbeenbeatenwithabamboostickinapublicplace.
“Youneedtoendthistamasha,”Masaid,usingthewordforjoke.Hertonewascajolingnow,thewayshespoketoKiranwhenshewasachildandhadmisbehaved.
“Idon’twantto.Iadorehim.”Kiransoundedlikeatwelve-year-old,arguingfortheboywhowrotehernameonthecornerofhispaper.
“Youdon’tknowwhatloveis!Lovegrows.Lovecomesfromlisteningtoyourparents!Lovecomesfrommakingothershappy!”
“Doyouknowwhatwouldhappentoyouifyoustayedhereandhadbeendisobedientwithagood-for-nothingboy?”Babaroared.
“Baba,pleasecalmdown.You’llmakeyourheartconditionworse,”Kiranplednow,fearingherracingmind’simagesoftheirnextphonecallbeingonewhereshewastoldhishearthadquiteliterallyshatteredoverherbetrayal.
“IalreadywishIweredead.Iwouldn’tbeabletoseeyoudoingsomethinglikethis,Kiran.Ifyouwerehere…”Hisvoicetrailedoffwithdeepimplication.
“Wouldyoudothattome,Baba?”Kiranmurmured.“Wouldyouthreatenme?”
“Wewouldn’t.Butcanyouimagine?Canyouimaginewhatthey’llsayaboutus?TheyalreadysaidenoughwhenKirtiranaway.Canyouimaginewhatpeoplewilldowhentheyfindoutyou’vedoneworse?”Baba’stonesoftened,butitwasnosolace.
Theangershiftedtoworry,anditwouldshiftbackagain.Kiranwassureofit.
“Thisisn’taboutyou,Kiran.Thisisnotaboutobedience.It’saboutyoursafety.Canyouimaginewhatpeoplewillsay?”Babaaskedagain.
“Ididimagineit.Iknow.I’massurprisedasyouare.ButmaybeGodwantedmetofeel—”
“Godwouldhavewantedyoutoobeyyourparents,studyhard,andmarrywell!Hewouldnothavewantedthisforyou!”Maraisedhervoice.
“You’reactinglikeIkilledsomeone!”
“Youdid.Youmurderedtheversionofyouweknew.Ourdaughterisdeadtous.”
WithBaba’sfinalwords,thelinewentdeadtoo.
Kiranstaredatthephoneinherhand,wonderingiftheunreliablelinehadthemisfortuneofdisconnectingaftersuchadramaticandheartbreakingsentiment.Butwhenshecalledback,therewasnoanswer.
Thephonerangandrang.
Finally,someonepickedup.
Then,thelinecutagain.
Ourdaughterisdeadtous.
***
Likeshe’dlookedforwardtoherchaidateswiththegang,shecounteddownthedaystotheweekend—notonlytorelaxbutnowwiththeaddedbenefitofseeingNash.TheCMCwaslikealoveaffairshenevergottiredofwithnewstoriestotellandnewfactstolearnaboutoneanother.Butnow,arealonewasgrowing,andKiranwasn’tsurewhattomakeofit.
Sheonlyknewshedidn’twanttoloseit.Nashwasbuiltintoherlifenow.
“Itoldmyparentsaboutus,”shesaidsoftlyafewdaysafterthecallfromhell.
Ithadtakenherthatlongtoprocessthelividreactionsherparentshad.Thewordsplayedsomanytimesthattheyservedasdullbackgroundnoiseonrepeatasshegotupinthemorning,showered,worked,ate,andmadetheattempttofunctionasthoughherlifehadn’tbeenupended.Asthoughherhearthadn’tshatteredandlikeitwasn’ttakingallofherwillpowernottocallthemandbegforforgiveness.
Theydidn’tmeanit.Theycouldn’tmeanit.
“Howdidtheytakeit?”
“TheytoldmeIwasdeadtothem.”
Silencefollowedherstatement.
“I’msuretheydidn’tmeanit.”HeechoedthehollowthoughtsthatrepeatedthemselvesinhermindandwrappedhisarmsaroundKiranalittletighteronthecouch.
“Youdidn’thearthem,babe.Theyweresohurt.Ithadtobringbackmemorieswithmysister.”
“Baby,yourparentsadoreyou.Youguysaresoclose.They’llcomearound.Givethemsometime.”
Kiransqueezedhisarm,hopinghewasright.Forthelasttwodays,she’dwalkedaroundwithananvilonherchest,wonderingifshehaddestroyedherfamilyforever.Shehadn’tspokentoanyoneaboutit,hopingthatthesituationwouldresolvebeforesheeverhadtoutterthewordsoutloudthatherparentshadwishedshewasdead.
“IwishIcouldtakeyoutoIndiaandprovetothemhowwonderfulyouare.”
“I’ddoit.I’dgowithyou.”
“Really?”Shewouldneveraskhimto,ofcourse,butthethoughtofNashgoingwithherwarmedherheart.
“Anythingforyou.I’llapplyforavisarightnow.”
“No,youwon’t!”
“Tryme,”hechallengedashepulledhislaptopacrossthecoffeetablewithhisfreearm.
“I’lltakeyoutheresomeday.”Shepulledhisarmcloseagainandwrappedbothofthemaroundherself.
“Doyouwanttodosomethingfunthisweekendandtakeyourmindoffit?There’sanUprightCitizensBrigadeshowI’vebeenwantingtosee.”
“That’dbenice…butI’mgoingtoaBollywoodnightwiththeCMConSaturday.”
“Well,I’msadI’llseeitwithoutyou.Butyournightsoundslikefun.”
“Comewithme,”shesaidsuddenly.
WithNash,meetingtheCMCwasagutcheck.Aninsistentvoiceinthebackofhermindgrewlouderbythesecondtoincludehiminpartsofherlifethatshe’dcordonedofffromotherboys.TheCMCheldasacredspotinherlife—onlytheworthycrossedthegatestomeetherfriends.Perhapsitwassillyandnotabigdealatalltoothers,buttoKiran,meetingherbestfriendswaslikefindingaroomcontainingtheHolyGrail—acovetedspacethatonlythebraveandpurecouldenter.
Maybethemlovinghimwouldmakethestingofherparentshatinghimhurtless
Maybeforonenight,shecouldforgethowmuchitwastearingheraparttohavethemsoangryatherandhaveherotherfamilyaccepthiminstead.
“Areyousure?”
“Yes.Iwantyoutomeetthem.”
“Let’sdotheshowandthenheadoverthereformyinquisition.”
“Youmeanintroduction?”
Nashgrinned.“Samething.”
OnSaturday,shecalledPayalatteninthemorning.
“Kiran.Gobacktobed,”Payal’ssleepyvoicelazedoverthephone.
“I’vebeenupsinceseven!”
“Idon’tunderstandyourobsessionwithbeingawakeearly.”
“Thedayiswastedotherwise.”
“Exactly.Letmewastemyday.Iwasuplate.”
“Stopit,Grumpy.Ineedtoknowwhattoweartonight.”
“ForIndiaNight?”
“ForNashatacomedyshowandthenIndiaNight.”
“Wait,ishecomingtoIndiaNight?”Payalshrieked.
Shehadgonefromzerotosixtysofast,Kiranfeltwhiplash.
“Yes…”Kiransaidcautiously.“ThoughI’mreconsideringthatinvitationifyou’regoingtobescreamingallovertheplace.”
“No,IpromiseI’llbegood.Maybe.Anyway,wearthatdressIboughtyoufromthatdesignerinLondon.”
“Isn’titabitmuch?”Kiranglancedatthesingle-shouldered,flowyblackdressembellishedwithbeadwork,whichhunguntouchedinhercloset,stillinthegarmentbag.
“We’reIndian.Nothingistoomuch,”cametheduh-obviouslyresponsefromPayal.
“Isn’tittoosparkly?”
“It’sSaturdaynight.InNewYorkCity.Andyou’regoingtoaBollywoodevent.Youcanwearadiscoballandyou’llstillfitin.Trustme.”
TheironyinPayal,whohadneverbeentoIndia,tellingKiranaboutIndianclotheswasn’tlostoneitherofthem,andtheybothlaughed.
“Oh,andwearthesimpleblackheels.”
“Andhairandmakeup?”
“I’llcomeoveranddothoseforyou.”
SheknockedonKiran’sdooratprecisely6:00p.m.
“YouknowIknowhowtodomymakeup,right?”
“Yes,butit’ssomuchmorefunwhensomeoneelsedoesitforyou!”Payalsang.
Kirancouldn’targue.SoothingtinglesranupherspineasPayaltoldhertolookup,lookdown,turn,andsuckinhercheeks.ThebristlesofthemakeupbrushesKiranusedmadeherwonderifNashhadshavedthefuzzthathadgrownonhisjawlinewhenthey’dseenamovietheweekendprevious.Hertoescurledunderneathherchairassheimaginedthescruffrunningagainstherskin,pricklingitinalltherightways.Payal’sdeftfingerssmudgedhereyelinerandsmoothedoutanyblemishesinhermakeup.
“You’resmiling,”Payalnoted.
“Randomthoughts,”Kiranlied.
“Ifyousayso,”Payalrepliedwithanall-knowinggazeofherown.“I’mstraighteningyourhair.”
Overtheyears,Kiranhadcometoembracethewayherhairfellinwaves,reiningitinwithsmoothingoilandallowingittoremainnaturalunlessitwasaspecialoccasion.Payal,however,haddeemedtonightworthyofablowoutthatbelongedattheOscars.Usingagiantroundbrush,shepulledKiran’shairintoapoufonthetopofherheadwiththerestofherhaircascadingdownherbackinafountainofjetblack.Itwaslongerstraight,andKiranmarveledathowglamorousshelookedwiththistinychangeinherroutine,thoughittooktoolongforhertocaretodoiteveryday.
“Now.Goputonthatdress.Shoestoo.Let’sseehowallofthislookstogether.”
Kiranslippedthegeorgettefabricoverherhead,pullingitoverhernudelacestraplessbraandunderwear.Brightlycoloredrhinestones,beads,andsequinscurledtheirspiralingdesignalongtheborderoftheblackdress,downtheoneshoulder,acrossKiran’sbreastsandaroundherback.Kiranwasremindedoftheheadofapeacocknearhershoulderwithasparklyplumewrappingaroundheroppositeside.Thehighheelsaddedtwoinchestoherframeandelongatedherlegs,givingthemasoftshapeshelovedwhensheglancedinthemirror.
“Wow,”PayalgaspedasKiransteppedoutfrombehindherroomdivider.
“Toomuch?”
“Justright.”
PayalhaddoneamarvelousjobofaccentuatingKiran’seyeswithenoughblackeyelinertotarahighway—givingtheirgradualcurveadramaticoverhaulasthelinersweptupattheoutercornersofhereyesandcreatedaperfectteardrop-shapedgaze.MascaraturnedhergentlyliftingeyelashesintoskijumpsthatgrantedKiranasultrinessthatshe
Therewasnodoubtaboutit:Kiranwas,andfelt,sexy.Herfearsaboutfeelinguncomfortableinadressthatshowedmoreskinthanusualevaporated.Shewasempowered.Shewasaforce.Shefeltlikeagoddess.
“AreyoumeetingNashdownstairs?”
“No,hehadsomeerrandstorunandhadtostopbyworkforawhile,sohesaidhe’dmeetmethere.”
“Offyougo.Also,takeacabsoyoudon’tsweatoffmymasterpieceonthesubway,youhear?”
Kirancomplied.AnattractiveIndianmangaveherasecondglanceasshehailedacab,givinghercheeksapinktingeofhappiness.
ThecabdrovetoHell’sKitchenfromtheEastVillage.ShespottedNashfromablockaway,hisheightandmessyhairgivinghimaway.
Dressedinafittedforest-greendressshirtandblackdresspants,hecouldonlybedescribedaselegant.Hishandsweretuckedintohispockets,aglintfromhiswatchgleamingintheeveninglight.Hisskin,whichKiranalwaysadmiredforitssmoothness,wastintedbronzeinthegreenofhisshirt.Hishairwasgelledinthefront,inastyleSonamusedtocallthefrat-boylookbutthatKiransecretlylovedastheperfectbalanceofboyishandputtogether.
Nash’seyesfollowedthecabasitpulledtoastop.Kiranswipedhercreditcard,tippingthedriverhertypical20percentbeforeshiftingherweighttotheedgeoftheseatandkeepingherlegstogethersopassersbydidn’tgetaglimpseofhergirliebits.
Whensheextendedherlegoutofthecabdoorandpulledherselfgracefullytoastand,Nash’smouthdroppedopen.
Kiranburnedfromthesearofhiswide-eyedgazeasshewalkedacrossthecrosswalktowardhim.Hishandshadpulledfromhispocketsandfrozenathissidesasthoughheweretryingtocaptureherinthem.Shegrewconsciousofthesubtleswayherhipshadtakenonintheseheelsandlovedthewayhiseyesgrewassheapproachedhim.
Hepartedhislipstospeak,buthisvoicecracked.Heclearedhisthroatandopenedhismouthagain.
“You’rebeautiful,”hewhispered.
Kiranbitherlipshyly,butunabletoholdback,shesmiledsobigthathercheeksnearlyached.
Nashseemedunabletogatherhisthoughts,andthewaveofhappinessinknowingthatshecouldcauseanysemblanceofspeechlessnessinhimwasoverpowering
“Um,doyouwanttogoinside?You’rebeautiful.Sorry.Ihadtosayitagain.”
Shebrushedherhairontooneshoulder.“Thankyou.Thegreenisflatteringonyou.”
“Thisoldthing?”
“Youwearitwell.”
Theytooktheirseats,overdressedforthisparticulartheaterbutcontentintheirtogetherness.NashmurmuredthatthecastofUCBoftengotchosenforSNLskitsandthatmanyfamouscomediansofthelasttenyearshadgottentheirstartperformingimprovattheseverytheaters.Asthelightsdimmedandtheactorscameouttoperformtheirimprovisationroutines,shecouldseewhy.
Theactorsranwiththemostmundaneoftopics—oftenaskingtheaudiencetochooseawordandthenformulatinganentireskitaroundit.Kiranmarveledattheimprovisationtalentstheyhad,amazedthattheycouldrollwithanunexpectedchangeindirectionorcreateajokewithsuchfluidity.Itwasinspiringinaway.Forsomeonewhodidwellwithroutineandorder,shewasdazedbytheirabilitytoputtogethermagicoutofnothing,withnoblueprinttofollow
ShelovedthewayherandNash’seyesmetwhentheylaughedtoohard,sharinginthemomentasthoughtheshowwassolelyfortheirbenefit.WhiletherestoftheaudienceworejeansandSaturdaynightoutfitsforclub-hoppingandgoingtoabar,Kiranfeltlikeroyaltywithaprincebyherside.
ThemagicoflaughtermakingtheirsidesachecausedafloodofhappinessinKiran.Thefinalroundsofapplauseforthecastwereraucous,andsheferventlywishedthenightwouldn’tend.
Anditwasonlybeginning.
“Thatwasawesome!”Nashdeclaredastheysteppedintothenightairagain.
“Itreallywas.Idon’tknowhowtheycancomeupwiththingslikethatonthefly.”
“Seriousskill…”
Theychatteredforabitaboutvariousacts,withNashbeingpartialtooneaboutapowerboatandKiranaskingquestionsaboutslapbracelets,aconceptshecouldn’tgrasp.
“They’rebraceletsthatareflexible.Youslapitagainstyourwrist,anditwrapsaroundlikeabracelet.”
“Youslapyourselftogetabraceleton?”
Nashburstoutlaughing.“Youdon’tslapyourself.Well,sortof.”Hedemonstratedbystickinghisarmoutandmimickingawhippingaction.“Youhavethisplasticstick,anditbendsintoacirclewhenyouwhipitagainstyourwrist.”
“Yourchildhoodwasweird.”
“Well,whatdidyouplaywith?”Nashgrewcomicallydefensive.
“Cricket!”
“AndyousayI’mweird.”Herolledhiseyes.
“Hey!It’sacommonsport,thankyouverymuch.”
“Acommonsportplayedbynoone?”
“Atonofpeopleplaycricket!”
“I’msurethethreepeopleinothercountrieswhoplayitappreciateyourdefense.”
“Okay,we’vearguedaboutthisbefore.Itisplayedby125countries,includingacountrywithabillionpeople,goodsir.Getsomeculture,whydon’tyou?”
“Iplanonlearning,seeingasI’mcomingtoanIndiaNightwithyou.”
“You’reuninvitednow.”
“It’stoolate.Idressedupforthis.”Hethrewhishandsout.“You’restuckwithme.”
“Ugh,”shegroaned.
“I’mgoingtoignorethat.So…howdoyouknoweveryone?You’vementionedchaiandcallingyourselvestheCMC.”
“Wemetincollege,”KiransaidwithagrinashermemorytookherbackandshebeganrecountingthebeginningsoftheCMC.
She’darrivedfromIndiatheweekbefore,armedonlywithasuitcasefullofclothesandacarry-onfulloftextbooksfromhertwoyearsataninternationalboardingschoolwhereshe’dcompletedherjuniorandsenioryears.Whileshe’dofferedtentativesmilesatthegirlswholookedlikeher,shewasoverwhelmedwiththewhitenessandhowdifferentsheseemedcomparedtotheotherbrowngirls.
She’dneverexperiencedthatbefore.
Eighteen-year-oldKiranwasn’tnearlyasconfidentinherabilitytofitin.Likeallfreshmen,shewasenthralledatthefreedomthisnewfoundcountryoffered—andwasdeterminednottotakeadvantageofit.She’dalreadybeenwithoutherparents.Shewasheretomaketheirlivesbetter.Butitdidn’tchangethatshewasinanewcountrywithnofamilynearbyandtoomanyquickAmericanaccentstokeepupwithwhenherEnglishstillcontainedremnantsofRamnagarandDelhi.
Asthefreshmenintroducedthemselves,alleyesfellonKiranastheintroductionsturnedtoher.
“Uh.Hello.MynameisKiranMathur.IamfromIndia.Iwillbemajoringinengineeringand—”
Shecaughttwogirlsmeetingeachother’sgazeandstiflinglaughteratheraccent.Themockeryimmediatelymadeherstop.
Anothergirl,Indianperhaps,withflaredjeansandatightblackT-shirt,gavethemadeathglare.“Doyoumind?Everyonelistenedtoyougoonabouthowyouwantedtobeateacher,Carly,soyoushouldprobablyquitbeingajerkandpayattention.”
Thegirlturnedbrightredundertheunexpectedscrutinyandimmediatelystoppedlaughing.
“Sorry.I’mSonam.Continue,Kiran.”
HerboldnesshadempoweredKirantocontinueabouthergoalsofworkingforabioengineeringgroup.Fortherestofthemeeting,Kiransnuckglancesathersavior.Sonam’shairwasthekindofcurlyKirtiwouldhaveloved—alittlewildandalittlecareless.HerneighborsinRamnagarwouldhavecondescendinglycalledher“healthy.”Kirancalledherbeautiful.Withbig,watchfuleyesandasharptongue,sheconsistentlykeptthegroupgigglingathersmart-assremarksandintelligentcommentary.
Attheendofthemeeting,allthegirlsonthefloorbegantopairoff,headingtowhateversocialplanstheyhadthenightbeforeclasses.Kiranhopedtolookwelcomingsosomeonewouldtalktoher,butshewasaflyonthewall.
“Hey,Kiran,”Sonamsaid,approachingherlikeastorm.
“Hi!”Kiransaidwithtoomuchenthusiasm.“Sonam!Thankyoufor—”
“Don’tevenmentionthanks.Friendsshouldn’tdothat.Besides…theywerebeingbitchy.Doyouwanttocometoameetingwithme?”
KiranhadbeentakenabackatthelanguageandthewarmthSonamextended.ShegottheimpressionnoonesaidnotoSonam.“Um,whatmeeting?”
“It’sforFreshmenFeminists.It’scalledtheFreminists.Weird,Iknow,butweshouldcheckitout.”
“Oh…Iwantedtostartstudying.”
“Classeshaven’tevenstartedyet.Comeon.Ipromiseyouonenightwithoutstudyingwon’tfailyou.Let’sgo.Payal’scomingtoo.”
“WhoisPayal?”Kiranasked,embarrassedthatinhernervesaboutmeetingsomanypeople,she’dalreadyforgottenafloormate’sname.
“Her.”
Shepointedatasupermodel.Well,perhapsnotarealsupermodel,butshemightaswellhavebeen.Withlong,straighthair,heavyeyeshadow,shimmerylips,andexactlytheamountofmakeuptocounterSonamandKiran’sbarefaces,PayalMehrawasbreathtaking.KirancouldseethatevenwithoutanymakeupandevenifshewaswearingaburlapsackratherthanthePortofinoshirt,jeanshorts,andsandalsshewascurrentlymakingarunwaystatementin,shewouldstillcapturetheattentionofanyoneinaroom.Payallaughedatsomeone’scomment,andherperfectlystraightteethgleamedinthelightasshethrewherheadbackwithoutanyinhibition.
“Wow,”Kiranmanaged.
“‘Wow’isright.Moneyisonhergettingmoreactionthananyoneelseonthefloor.Whocouldresistthoselegs?Anyway,let’sintroduceyouguysandwecango.”
TheytookstepstowardPayal,withKirantrailingSonamlikeashadow.
“Kiran,right?Ilovedwhatyousaidaboutbringingdesigntolifeandservingpracticalityandpurpose.Youprettymuchsummedupourcompany’smissionstatement.”PayalextendedahandandflashedamegawattgrinevenmorecaptivatingthanKiranhadnotedafewsecondsbefore.
ShehadaBritishaccenttoo.Kiranwasn’tsurewhyshefoundthatremarkable.She’dalwayslaughedwhenherboardingschoolclassmatesinShimlahaddiscussedBritishguysbecominginfinitelyhotterbecauseoftheirclassylilt,butKiranwonderedifthatappliedtotheentirepopulationnow.
Thatwasn’tthekicker,however.ForKiran,whohadgrownupinavillagewheremostpeoplespokeHindiandwhohadlearnedEnglishfromatutor,TVprograms,andreadingbooks,amostfascinatingfactwasthatthesegirlslookedlikeher.Thesamebrownskinwithagoldenhue.Thesamebigbrowneyes.Thesameblackhair,thoughPayal’shadstreaksofbrowninitfromasummersomewheretropical(orperhapsagreatcolorist).Buttheysoundedsodifferent.Withoneword,anystrangeronthestreetwouldbeabletogaugetheirbackground,thecountrytheygrewupin,anddespiteallofthembeingdescribedas“theIndiangirl,”eachofthemhadahistoryunliketheothertwoandcreatedinadifferentcountry.Kiranmarveledatthisconcept.Untilnow,mostoftheIndiansshehadmetwerelikeher:homegrown.Herewasanentireworldofpeoplewhohadbeenraisedwithinoneculture,encasedwithinanother.
“Youhaveacompany?”KiranaskedPayalastheysteppedintothehallwayandmadetheirwayoutside.
“Well,myfamilydoes.WeimportandexporttechnologyinEngland.ButI’manonlychild,andI’vebeenmarkedtoheaditupnext,soitmightaswellbemine!”
Kiranhesitatedtosayherfatherownedabusiness.Itwasn’tacorporation.Butwhatthehell—theyalreadyknewshewasfromIndia.Sheshouldn’tbeafraidofspeakingout.“Mybabaownsasmallbusiness,”shesaidquietly.“Itislikeasmallshopforalltheessentialsourvillageneeds.”
Shehalfexpectedacompulsorycommentofappreciation,butPayal’seyeslitup.“That’sfantastic!SmallbusinessesinruralIndiaarenecessary.Ireadawholearticleaboutitand…”ShecontinuedonandonasKiranglowedwiththefeelingofbeingaccepted.
Thiswaswheretheelitewent,shethoughtastheystrolledthroughDuke’scampus.Academiaoozedfromtheporesofeacharchedwindowshepassed.Kiran’ssenseofaccomplishmentgrewintandemwithhergratitudetowardherfamilyforallowingavillagegirllikehertopursueherintelligenceingreenerpastures.Sheneverwantedtoletthemdown.
“Sonam,whatareyoumajoringin?”Kiranasked.
“Premed.Youknow,likeeveryotherIndianinthisplace.”Sonamrolledhereyes.“Icomefromgenerationsofdoctors.Youknowhowitis.Khandaanandfamilypridestuff.”
“So…you’llgettoplaydoctorwithallthecuteboysthen.”Payalgrinnedmischievously.SheopenedadoortotheBrodheadCenterandwaitedastheothergirlspassedthrough.
“Please…Iamsonotinterestedinguys.”Sonamwavedherhanddismissively.
“Well…IcanthinkofoneI’dplaydoctorwith.”
Payalhadfoundhernexttarget—asoleboystandinginthecornerofthemeetingroom,holdingacupofjuice.Hisfreehandplayedagameonhisphone,andhisheadremainedducked,avoidinganyattention.
Hewashandsome,Kiranhadtoagree.
Hewastallandalittlebitskinny,withhairspikedinthefront.Hischeeksstillheldatouchofpudge,makinghimlookevenmorebaby-facedthanhiscleanlyshavenjaw.Hehadbigeyeswithafringeofdarklashessothick,Kiranwonderedifhesmudgedkohlonthemthewaythevillageauntiesdidonbabies
“Helooksenthusiastic,”Sonamnoteddryly.
“Ihopeheistonight.”Payalwaggledhereyebrowsandthenbeelinedforhim,leavingtheothergirlstowatch.
Herwalktransformedintheshortdistancebetweenthemandtheboyfromcasualtoconfident.Shestrode—Kiranmighthaveusedthewordstrutted—uptotheboyandsnatchedhisphonefromhim.
“What,toogoodtotalktothegirlshere?”Payalteased,andsheflippedherhairoverhershoulder.
“Youclearlydon’tthinkso,”hisdeepvoicereturned.Hemadenomovetoretrievehisstolenphone.
“Imean…weareatafeministmeeting,right?Aren’twearguingequalfootingforeveryone?”
Kiranwatchedherlikeanartistinspiredbyamuse.Shehadneverseensuchacalculatedcharmoffensive—Payal’swarmthradiatedfromhernaturallywithafewdeliberatelyaddedembellishments,likethewayshetouchedtheboy’sarmorwoundherlongfingersthroughherlocks.Shewaseffortless.
Intheyearsfollowing,thisencounterwouldturnintoaCMCjoke—abouthowPayalhaderroneouslythoughtthisboywouldbeaone-nightflingandnotaforever.
“Oh,girls,thisisAkash.”ShewavedKiranandSonamover.“Thesearemygirls,KiranandSonam.Weliveonthesamefloor.”
“So…flag-wavingfeminist.It’simpressive,you’retheonlyguyhere.”
Akashlaughed.“Maybeasurrenderflag.I’mafeministbutI’mtheguydraggedherebymyoldersister.She’sthepresidentoftheFemmeFatales,theclubthrowingthisthing.”
Asifshe’dheardhim,agirlwiththesamedarkeyelashesroseatthefrontoftheroomandcalledforeveryone’sattention.Thegrouphushedandfoundseatstogethernearthefrontoftheroom.AwelcomebyAkash’ssister,Laila,wasfollowedbyanotherroundoficebreakers.Kiranwasmorecomfortablethistime,asthoughshe’dfoundhernicheinthelasthalfhourandwasheartenedbythewarmwelcomeandlackofstaresatbeinganoutsider.
Itwastenintheeveningbythetimethemeetingended.
“YouknowwhatI’minthemoodfor?”Sonamhadsaidthesecondthemeetinghadbeencalledtoaclose.
“What?”PayalandKiranaskedtogether.
“Chai.Mom-style.Akash,wanttocome?”
“Ihavesomeingredientsforchaimasalainmyroom,”Kiranvolunteered.
Andthus,theCMCwasborn.ChapterThirty-One
NASH
Now,tenyearslater,asKiranrecountedthememoriesoftheirmeetingtoNash,shewasastoundedathowfarthey’dallcomeandhowthey’dstillremainedthesame.SomuchsecurityexistedintheCMCbubbletobewhotheywere—withouteverchangingtheirroots.
“Soyouguyshavebeenfriendssincethatnight?”
“Yup.SincethenightPayalwantedtohitonAkash.”Kiranlaughed.
“Didtheyevergettogether?”
Kiranshookherhead.“It’salwaysbeenplatonicbetweenallofus…thoughPayal’sman-eatingattempthasbeenthebuttofourjokesforthelasttenyears,andAkashlikestoletitgotohisheadsometimes.”
“I’mexcitedtomeetthem.Idon’thavefriendslikethatfromcollege.Imean,BrandonandIhavebeenfriendssincewewerekids,butIfloatedalotthroughcollegeandgradschool.”
“SoyouwereasocialbutterflyandIwasasnail,isthatwhatyou’resaying?”
“That’sexactlyit.Butbeingasnailsoundslikeitworkedoutreallynicelyforyou.”Nashchuckled.
“Iwouldn’tgivethemupforanything.They’vebecomemyfamilyintheUnitedStates.”
Ourdaughterisdeadtous,sheheardinhermind.
ButI’mnottotheCMC,shethoughtdefiantly.Nothingisgoingtoruintonight.
Theyhadafewminutestokillsohegesturedtowalkaroundacoupleofblocks.TheycontinuedtowalkdownHoustonStreetinsteadofcrossingit,quietlytakinginthelifethestreetshadtooffer.Couplesstrolledby,handinhand,andgroupsoffriendsgatheredoutsidebars,filledwithbuzzingchatter.NashlovedthedistantviewoftheWilliamsburgBridgeastheytraveleddownAllenStreetandturnedonDelanceyStreet,exposingthestructureintheopeningbetweenbuildingsandseeingtheheadlightsofcarsreflectback.
TheyapproachedthebaronEssex.Kirantextedtheotherstoseeifthey’darrived.
NashwaspleasantlysurprisedtoseeanumberofIndianpeoplemixedwithothersofdifferentethnicities.Evenfromthestreet,theycouldsmelltheappetizersbeingmadeinside—samosas,alootikka,chaat,bhelpuri,andaplethoraofotherdishesmixedwithspiceslikecumin,mustard,turmeric,chilipepper,andcardamom.
“Somethingsmellsamazing,”Nashcommentedandlookedaround.
“Why,thankyou,sir.”PayalappearedfromnowhereandmetNash’seye.“Ididwearmyfavoriteperfume.”
Payalwasstunning.KiranhadNash’seye,buthecouldseeexactlywhereherdescriptionsofPayalcamefrom—blackskintightdress,long,straighthair,makeupthatlookedprofessionallydoneandsultry,andovertconfidencethatenteredaroomevenbeforeshedid.
KiranlaughedatPayal’sentranceandgaveheraquickkissonthecheek.“Nash,thisisPayal.”
“I’veheardalotaboutyou.SomethingaboutAkash,Ibelieve.”
“Youdidn’ttellhimthatstory!”Payalmock-glaredatKiran.“You’reblacklistedtonight.”
“Whatstory?Oh,youmeantheonewhereyoutriedtogetinmypants?”Akashcameupfrombehindthem.
“Youguysarealllikeninjastonight,”Kiransaid.
“Well,ifyouandNashwouldlookawayfromeachother,youmaynoticetherestofus,”Payalmumbledoutofthecornerofhermouth,butNashcaughtitanyway.
Kiranhip-checkedherinresponse.
“Sonam’srunninglate.Patients.”
“Fromthesoundsofit,she’llbedrinkingtonight,”Akashsaid.
“Hey…Irememberhospitalmisery,thoughIwasonthepsychology,notpsychiatryside.I’llbuyheraroundforherordeal,”Nashsaid.
ThefoursomefoundaboothandorderedsomeappetizersasPayaldescribedeachoneinpainstakinglycreativedetail.
“Samosasarefrieddoughpocketsofgoodnessstuffedwithspicypeasandpotatostuffing.”Payalsmackedherlipstogether.
“Hey,I’vehadthose!Kirangotmesomerecently.”
“Ican’tbelieveyouhadn’teatenIndianfooduntilKiran,man,”Akashsaid.
“IfeellikeIndianfoodisoneofthosethingsyouneedanexperiencedpersonfor,youknow?Kiran’sluckilythemostexperiencedpersonIcouldaskfor,sonowthatwe’vestarted,Ican’timaginestopping.”
“Sonam!”Payalcriedasthoughshehadn’tseenherinyears.
“Isshetwoorthreedrinksin?”Sonamasked.ShegaveAkash,whosatattheendofthebooth,aquickhug.
“Two,butathird’sontheway.”
“I’mjoiningin…Know-it-allpatients,”Sonamsaid.
“I’mbuying.Iwastellingtheothersyoudeservearoundonthehouseafterallyou’vedealtwithinmedschoolandpost.”
“Ilikeyoualready,”Sonamsaidwithahighfive.“Thankyou!Also,I’mSonam.”
“Nash.”Heextendedahand,butSonamwentinforahuganyway.
Nashwasstruckbythewarmthandwelcomeofthisgroup.Theyhadn’tbattedaneyelashyetthathewasnewtoNewYorkandnewtotheirculture.
“Youroutfitlooksamazing,bytheway.”PayalgaveSonamtheonce-over.“Didyouchoosethatyourself?”
“Whydoyousoundsosurprised?”Sonamgrumbled.
“Becauseyou’reusuallyinscrubsorinreallycomfortableswingyclothes.Thisisuncharacteristicallystylish.”
“Gee,thanks!”
“Youdidn’tchooseityourself,didyou?”Akashheldbacklaughter.
“No.Nowshutup.”Sonamdidn’tmeettheireyes.
NashsuspectedtherewasmoretothestorythanSonamwaslettingon,andaquickglanceatKiranaffirmedhissuspicionasshenarrowedhereyesandfrownedalittleasthoughshewasreadingSonam’sactions.
Theappetizersarrived,andtheydovein.
“Iamfamished,”criedSonam,groaningasshetookabiteofsamosa.
“Wecan’ttell,”Kiransaid.
“OhmyGod.”Nash’seyesrolledintothebackofhishead.“HowdidImissthisforsolong?”
Thestarchofthepotatoesalsohadatangyspicetoit,counteredbythesweetpeas.Thecrustofthesamosatastedlikeapiecrustanddissolvedintoflaky,butterygoodnessinhismouth.
“Welcometotheclub,”Akashsaid.
“Soyou’reBritishIndian,Payal,”Nashstartedafewminuteslater,afterlisteningtoPayaltalkaboutdifferentcombinationsofsaucesandappetizers.
“Isthereaquestionhiddeninthere,orareyoucommentingonmyaccent?”
Nashchuckled.“Well,ifyouidentifyasBritishIndian,SonamidentifiesasIndianAmerican,correct?Andyoutoo,Akash.”
“Yup.”Sonamswiggedherbeer.
“AndKiranisIndianIndian…butifIaskanyofyouhowyouidentify,you’llanswer—”
“Indian,”theyallsaid,thenmetoneanother’seyesandlaughed.
“Aslongasyou’renotaskingthequestion‘Whatareyou?’Ithinkwe’llbejustfine.That’sthemostannoyingone,”Sonamsaid.
“Oh,andifourparentsownagasstationorahotel.”Payalshookherhead.“Myparentsownacorporation,Sonam’saredoctors,Akash’sparentsteachatColumbia,andKiran’sfatherhasashopinIndia.”
“Wehavetwenty-ninestates,seventerritories,twenty-threeofficiallanguages,fourmajorcastes,andhundredsofsubcastes,atleastninemajorreligions.…Wearen’tthesame,”Sonamsaid.
“Ihadnoidea.That’salotofcombinations.”Nashblinkedacoupleoftimes,tryingtowraphisheadaroundthediversity.
“Haveweconfusedyouyet?”Kiranteased.
“Icanhandleit.”
“Okay,arewedancingyet?I’mbuzzed.”Payal’saccentcameonalittlestrongernow.
“Idon’tknowwhattodo,”murmuredNashintoKiran’searastheyslidoutofthebooth.
“Noworries,mate,”Payalsaid,overhearinghim.“There’sthreemovesyouneedtolearn.Rightnow.Areyouwatching?”
“Likeahawk.”
ThelatestBollywoodtunesmashedwithR&Btrackspoundedthroughthespeakers,encouragingallthoseontheoutskirtsofthedancefloortofindtheirwayin.Payal’sextendedarmsbeganturningasshepretendedtoscrewalightbulbinwhatshepromisedwasabasicbhangramove.Kiranswayedsidetosideandmovedherarmsslightly,lettingherfriendstakethespotlightandtheteachingcreditasshewatched.Nashcouldn’ttakehiseyesoffKiranasshebegantounwindandmergewithherculture.Thesidehenevergottoseebefore,herauthenticorigins,wasonfulldisplay,andhewasutterlyenamored.
“Lookathergo!”PayalcheeredasKirantookoverthemiddleoftheircircle.
Kiranshimmiedhershouldersasthebassthumpedthroughtheirchests.Shegracefullyhoppedbackandforth,eveninherheels,likeagoddessinclassicbhangrastyle.Nash’seyesfollowedheracrossthecircle.Sweatpouredfromtheirbodiesastheydancedtomusicfromaworldaway.
Itwasn’tjustKiranfeelingthebeat—Nashletitmovethroughhimtoo.Itwasdifferentfromanythinghewasusedto,butitwasbecomingmoreandmoreimportantbythesecondbecauseitwassocrucialtowhoKiranwas…andhewasenjoyinghimself.
Thisculturewascolorfulandloudandboisterous,butthefriendlinessandcamaraderiewereunmistakableandsounique.
Theclubclosedattwo,andeveryminutewasspentlaughing,makingjokesattheothers’expense,anddancing.Betweenthefood,thecompany,andthenight,NashandKiransteppedintothenightairinabubbleofbliss.
“Well,guys,thankyouforanincrediblenight.”Nashsighed.“Iamgonnahurtlikehelltomorrow,butit’llbewortheverysecond.”Hisshouldersachedfromthrowinghisarmsupsomuchandshruggingtothebeat.
“Itwassonicemeetingyou!”Sonamsaidgenuinely.“We’dheardsomanynicethings,andfinallygettingachancetogettoknowyouwasamazing.”
“I’mgoingtogowithPayal,Nash.She’salittleworseforthewear,”Kiransaidtohim.
“Doyouwantmetocome?”
“No,I’vegotit.I’llcomebacktotheapartmentlaterormaybespendthenightatPayal’s.”
“I’llcallyoutomorrow?”
“Yeah,”shesaid,lockingeyeswithhim.“Can’twait.”
“Sonam,callmeanytimeyou’restressed…and,AkashandPayal,I’llseeyouguysagainsoon,Ihope.”
AsNashheadedoffinthedirectionoftheEastVillage,hecouldn’thelpbutfeelthrilledthathiscirclewasexpandingintoonegiantfamily.ChapterThirty-Two
NASH
Whenhewokeupthenextday,Nashthoughthe’dbeensparedthepainofatoughworkout—onehedidn’texpecttogetthroughdancingtoBollywoodtunes.
Thenhesatup.
Achescoursedthroughhisabslikehe’ddonemultiplecircuitsofcrunchesandpush-ups.Heputhisbarefeetonthefloorofhisbedroom,andhiscalvesscreamedinagonyfromallthemoveshe’dbeentaughtthatrequiredbouncingontoes.
Kiran’sculturewashard-core.
Ashestretchedout,helaughedalittletohimselfattheintroductionhehadtoKiran’slifeandthenwincedastheknotsinhisbackunwoundthemselves.
Afterheusedthebathroomandletwarmwatersoothehismusclesintheshower,heenteredhiskitchenforasmoothie
Kirk’slettersatonthecounter,unopened,andNashstaredatitforthemillionthtime,wonderingifheshouldreadit.
BetweenworkandKiran,hehadn’tbeenhomeoften.HehadwantedtobethereforKiranwhileshewasstressedaboutherfamily.Heranxiouseyesgnawedathimwhentheyweretogether,asifshewasaskinghimwhetherthiswasworthit,andhewasfullofdeterminationtoprovetheywere.
SinceKirkhadn’tbeenapartofNash’slifeinages,ignoringtheletterandmovingforwardwassecondnature.Forgettingaboutithadbeensurprisinglyeasy.Kiran’srelationshipwithherparents,however,wasapartofherday,andthesilenttreatmentherparentsweregivingheraffectedhermoreandchangedthewaysheoperated.
Totellthetruth,hedidn’tgetit.Theentiresituationwasforeigntohim.Hedidn’tunderstandhavingconcernedparents,thoughhecouldrecallplentyoftimeswhenAuntKatereprimandedhimfornotlisteningtoherorforbeingstubborn.Havinganauthorityfigureinthefamilywasn’tastrangeconcept.
ButtheultimatumsandthethreatsofdisowningKiranwerewhatconfusedNash.Whilehehadn’tleftNashvilleoftenwhenhewasyounger,hehadcertainlyreadenoughtounderstandthatinsomepartsoftheworld,achild’sjobwastotakecareoftheirparentsafteracertainage.Hedidn’t,however,understandwhymarryingsomeonedifferentcouldimpactafamilysodeeply.
Kiranhadtriedtoexplaintohimtheconceptofcaste.ItseemedlikediscriminationtoNash,thoughhedidn’tsayso.Sheattemptedtobreakdowntheideathatfamiliesfromherareaweren’tascontemporaryandthattheyworriedaboutwhatwouldhappentotheirfamiliesbecausetheyalreadyfoughttosurviveonadailybasis.Buthecouldn’timaginehisparentshavingasayoverwhohedatedwhentheyhadnothingtolose.Hedidn’tunderstandtheconceptofvillagejusticeandthepanchayateither,especiallybecauseIndiawasademocracy.Howcouldasmallcouncilrunavillage,andhowcouldagiantgovernmentallowthattohappen?
Allhecoulddowasbethereforherandpromiseherthathewouldn’tleavebecausethingsweredifficult.Shewastooimportanttohimforthat.
Healsocouldn’thelpbuthopeshewouldn’tleaveeither.
Hehadafewhoursbeforehehadtoheadbacktotheofficetofinishsomepaperwork,andtheletterwasbeginningtoeatathim.
Instead,hepickedupthephone.
“Nashy!”Kateexclaimedintothephone.
“Hey,Kate.”
“What’swrong?”
“Howdoyouknowsomething’swrong?”Hedidn’tthinkhehadanytells.
“Ihaveafeeling.”
“Youfreakmeoutwhenyoudothat.”
“Well,Iknowyou,babyboy.Also,yousoundlikeyougothitbyabus.”
“IgotaletterfromKirk.”
Silencefilledtheline.Nashcouldn’tgaugewhetherKate’stemperwasabouttoexplodeorwhethershewasinshock
“Wait,yourdad?”
“Don’tcallhimthat,Kate.Hehasn’tbeenaroundsinceIwaslittle.”
“I’msorry,”shesaidinahushedtone.“Whatdidhewant?”
“Idon’tknow.Ididn’topenit.”
“Whynot?”
“Because…Idon’tknowifIwanttoknowwhatitsays.”
“Whywouldn’tyouwanttoknow?”
“He’sbeengonetwenty-fiveyears.”
“What’stheharminopeningit?”
JesusChrist.
“Kate,ifyoukeepansweringmewithquestions,Imightactuallylosemymind.”
Finally,Katelaughed.“Sorry,buddy.Doyouwantmyadvice,ordoyouwantmetolisten?”
“Whatwouldyoudo?”Nashfinallyasked.
Athoughtfulpauseensued.“Iwouldopenit.”
“Really?”
“Nowwho’saskingthequestions?”
“I’msurprised.YouhatedhimforleavingMomandmebehind…I’mtakenabackthatyou’dwanttoknowwhathesaid.Foryears,yousaidhehadnoexcuse.”
“I’mthinkingonyourbehalf,Nashy,notasyouraunt.Asaperson,IthinkwhatKirkdidwasdespicable,cowardly,andfearful.Butforyou…giventhatyou’velostyourmom,youhaveachancetohaveaparentagain.”
“Idon’tknowifIwantone.I’mthirtyyearsoldnow.Theyearsofneedingafatheraroundarelonggone,youknow?”
“Sure.That’strue.Buttherearestilllessonsyoucanlearnfromanotheradultinyourlife.Evenifheleftfortheyearswhereyouneededadad,there’snoreasonhecan’tgrowtobeafriendnow.”
“DoIwantafriendwhowouldabandonhiswifeandleavehiskid?”
“That’sforyoutodecide,honey.Youhavetonavigatewhetheryouwantarelationshipwithhim—ifthere’ssomethingtosalvage.”
“Heabandonedus.”
“Thenmaybethisisyourchanceforclosure,tostitchupoldwounds,andnotbesoalone.”
“I’mnotalone!”Nashprotestedmorevehementlythanheintended.
“You’renotalone.We’reallwithyou.But,sweetheart,youknowthatthesethingscanhavelong-termeffects.Pleaseconsideryourownmentalhealthandthenmakeadecision.”
Nashhungupsoonafter,ruminatingonwhatKatehadtosay.Histhoughtswentbackandforth,sohepickedupthephoneagainandcalledBrandontoaskhisadvice.
“YouknowwhatIrememberaboutusbeingkids?”Brandonasked.
“Ibetyou’reabouttotellme.”
“ThelookonyourfacewhenI’dmentionmydad.ItgottothepointwhereIfeltbadmentioninghim—andthat’snotaguilttrip—justthatIwouldwatchyourfacefallandthenbeexcitedformebecauseIgottodosomethingcoolwithmydad.ButtherewasstillthatsplitsecondwhereIknewyoufeltsorry.”
“Andyouthinknowisthetimetochangethat?”
“Ithinknowisthetimetoseeifyoucanrepairthedamagethat’sbeendone…andifnot,thenyoudidbeautifullywithouthim,andyou’llkeepondoingawesomethingsanyway.”
“Thanks,B.”
“Also,ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,he’sstilladickforwhathedid.”
Thatpromptedalaugh.
Nashhungupforthesecondtimeandheldtheletterinhishands.Perhapshe’dgetananswerforwhyhewasn’twanted.Ormaybehisdaddiedandsomeoneelsewroteit.Whateverthereasonforthisnote,hemightaswellfindout.
DearNash,
It’sbeenalongtimeandI’msureyouhavequestions.Tobehonest,I’mnotsureIhavealltheanswers,butI’dlovethechancetospeakwithyouor,evenbetter,meetinperson.IknowI’vebeenabsentovertheyears.Thereisn’tmuchIcansaytofixthatnow.Iknowit’smyfaultwedidn’thavethoseyearstogether.Butifyou’rewillingtogivemeachance,thenperhapswecanmakeupforlosttime.
Love,
Dad
Nashskimmedthebackofthepapertoseeifanythingelsewaswrittenonit,butitwasblank.Frustrated,hecrumpleditupandthrewitinthetrashbeforesittingonhiscouchwithhisheadinhishands.
I’dlovethechancetospeakwithyouor,evenbetter,meetinperson.
Nashhadjusthurdledoverthefirstbumpintheroad,andnowhewashittingabrickwallwiththeideaofmeetingKirkinperson.Kate’sandBrandon’swordsaboutmendingoldfencesplayedinhismindlikeabrokenrecord,butNashwonderedwhetherthedamagecouldevertrulybefixed.ChapterThirty-Three
KIRAN
KiranspentthenightandmostofthenextdayatPayal’sapartment,whereherbestfriendhadwokenwithahangoveroflegendaryproportions.KiranhadusedthenighttoensurePayalwasn’tthrowingupandmostofthedayhandingglassesofseltzerandpainkillerstoher.Exhaustedfromthenight—andmakingcommentseveryhourabouthowtheycouldn’thandlepartyingthewaytheydidattwenty—they’dloungedaroundthesofasandorderedtakeout.
Bythetimenightfellandshe’dtextedNashtocheckin,shewasreadyforherownbedandfellintoit.
At2:00a.m.,thephonerangandjoltedKiranawake.Herheartraced.
Amiddle-of-the-nightcallwasnevergood.
“Ma,”sheanswered.
“Kaiseho?”
“Iseverythingokay?It’stwointhemorninghere.Areyouokay?”
“Iforgotaboutthetimedifference.”
Relieffloodedthroughher,andKirandroppedherheadbackintoherpillow.Thefearturnedtoelation.Theywantedtotalktome!
“HowareyouandBaba?”
“We’regood.Iwantedtoseehowyouaredoing.”
“I’mfine.”
“Areyoueating?”
“Yes.”
“Areyousure?Yousoundangry.Areyouangry?Areyousureyouate?Eatsomedaal—itwillmakeyoufeelbetter—”
“HaiBhagwan,Ma,ItoldyouI’mfine!”Shelaughed.
“Okay,beta,ifyou’regoingtosayyou’refine,thenyou’refine.”
Kiranrolledhereyes.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Beingyelledatbymydaughterforcaringaboutherwelfare.”
“I’mnotyelling.Tellmewhat’sgoingon.”
“Yourbabadoesn’twanttotalktoyou.”
“Oh…”Kiran’sheartfell.LeaveittoMatotellitlikeitis.
“Hethinksyou’vebetrayedus.”
“Ma,pleasedon’ttellmethis.”
“Weexpectedthatyou’dlistentous.”
“Ihavelistenedtoyou.”
“You’resofaraway,andwemissyou.Youcan’tblameusfortakingcareofyouortryingtomonitorhowyouare.You’reourdaughter.Beta,yousawhowterriblyourfamilytreateduswhen…well,whenthishappenedbefore.You’retheonlypersonwhowecanlookoutforwhowatchesustoo.”
Youwouldhavehadtwoifitweren’tforthisentireloadofgarbagewe’veallgonethrough.
Kiranwasn’taragemachine.ShebowedherheadwhenBabashoutedanddidherbestnottoraisehervoicebackathermother,eventhoughsheknewmostIndianmomsanddaughtershadthetypeofrelationshipwhereallcouldbeforgivenafteratiff.
Butfurycoursedthroughher.Theyhadn’tspokentoher.They’dsaidshewasdeadtothem.AndKirtihadn’tbeenspokentoinyears…Wasitsoeasytocutdaughtersoffandbringthembackintothefold?Wastheirlovecontingentuponherobeyingthemfortherestofherlife?DidMaorBabahavetherighttocomplainabouthavingonlyonepersontotakecareofthemwhentheyhadforcedtheirownhandandmadethatchoice?
“Whosefaultisthat?”Kiranfiredback.“WhosefaultisitthatI’mtheonlyonetotakecareofyou?”
Forgetdiggingherheelsinandremainingcalm.Hermouthdecidedtotakearunningstarttoafreefallofftheledge.Abeasthadawokenwithinher,roaringatanyonewhocamenearherwoundedheart,whethertheywerefriendorfoe.
“Yehkyabakwaashai,Kiran?”
Whatkindofcrazinessisthis?Thekindoflunacythatresultedfromlosingasisterbecauseofarchaicrulesandpressuresthattoreapartafamily.Howcouldanyofthispossiblymakesense?
“Ma,IaminlovewithNash!”shesnapped.
Itwastruethatsometimesthetruthslippedoutinunexpectedmoments.
ShewasinlovewithNash.Andtherealizationknockedthewindoutofherashermothergaspedontheline.
“Love?Youdon’tknowloveifyoucan’tloveyourfamilyandhonorit.”
Kirantriedtocomposeherself,tospeakfromaplaceoflogicandreason.
“YouandBabadon’tunderstand.EverytimeIseehim—”
“Yousawthatboyagain?Wetoldyouthatyouwereforbiddenfromseeinghim.”
“You’refocusingonthefactthatIdidn’tobeyyou,notwhatthisisgoingtodotomeorus!”
“Thisiswhywecan’ttrustyouanymore.Youdeliberatelychoosetodisobeyus.”
“WhenhaveIeverdisobeyedyou?Youhavetotrustme!”
“Wedidtrustyou.”Machangedtack,tryingtobegentleagain.“Kiran,thisisn’taboutfreedomorcontrol.Wehappilysentyoutoboardingschool.Wedidn’twanttomarryyouofftooearlybecauseweknewyoudeservedbetterandwantedmore.WesentyoutoAmericatostudyandmakeasuccessfullifeforyourself.Youcan’ttellusyouwanttobeamemberofthisfamily,afterallwe’vegonethroughtogether,andthengoseehim—”
“Ilovehim!”
“Youhavetomakeachoiceatsomepoint.”
“YoumadeKirtichoosetoo,andshechosehim!Whyareyoumakingthissodifficult?”
“Fine,thenchoosehim!”Masnappedback.
“Idon’twanttochooseanyone!Iwantustobehappy.”
“Ifyouarewithhim,wewillneverbehappy.Thatshouldmakeyouupset.”
“Ma,youalreadylostadaughter,andnowyou’remakingtheotheronepayforit!”Kiransnapped.
“Youneverarguedlikethisuntilhecamealong!UntilyouwenttoAmericaandgotthesefancyideasinyourheadaboutwhatagirlshoulddo,insteadofunderstandingourfearsandsoothingthem.Areyousleepingaroundnow?Areyoubeingawhore?”
TheinsultwasasifMahadhitherwithanopenpalm,leavingareddenedstingonhercheeksinfrontofagawkingcrowd.ThiswasthesecondtimeMahadcomeatherwiththelowestofinsults,theonethatallwomenwerecalledforhavingownershipovertheirlives.
“Iamnotawhore.Howdareyou!”Kiran’sfistsclenched,herheartracing.
“Howdareyou.Logkyakahenga?Theywillallsayweraisedtwodaughterswhocouldn’tkeeptheirlustincheck.Two!Idon’tknowwhatwedidtofailasparents,buteveryday,IaskGodthesamequestion.”
Kiranignoredthestabofguiltshefelt.ShecouldpictureMaatthemandir,headbowed,handstogetherinhumilityinfrontofthepriestswhowouldringbells,circumventfirearoundanidolasarepresentationofGod,andhandleallthemasseswhowouldcometoaskforamilliondifferentthings.
TheoldKiran,untaintedbyloveandunbroken,wouldhavecavedimmediately.ThemereimageofMaandBaba’ssacrificeswouldhavebeenenoughtowhipherbackintoline,outmarchingeveryoneelseintheranks.Butshewassooff-kilter,soshaky,shecouldn’tfindhercentertohandleMa’sguilttripswithanygraceoramusement.
Butlustandloveweren’tcauseandeffect.Lustwasn’tthereasonKirtiandKiranturnedtopeoplearoundthem.Itwasjustlove.Therewasnomarkontheircharacter.
Musteringupwhatlittledignityshecouldfeelwithinherself,shebracedandansweredMa.“I’msorryyougothurt.Ineverintendedforthat.IloveyouandI’mdoingmybest.Idon’tknowwhatelseyoucanaskfor.”
“Icanaskyoutolistentous!Youhaven’tseenyourbaba.Sinceyoudroppedthisnewsonus,he’sbeendepressedanddown.Heyells.He’sdamaged,andit’sbecauseofyourdecisions.Whetheryou’rewiththisboyornot,you’vebrokenus,Kiran.Youbrokeus.”
“ThenIdon’tevenknowwhyI’mtalkingtoyou.”
Thistime,Kiranwastheonewhohungupwithoutanotherword.ChapterThirty-Four
KIRAN
WhenKiranwasateenagerandtheUnitedStateswasadreamaway,anarticlehadcomeoutinthepaperaboutagirlfromanearbyvillage.ThenewspaperdubbedherRoshni.Hername,theequivalentofthewordglow,wasmeanttodisguisehernow-darkenedlife…oneshewouldnevergetback.AuntieswhisperedinsombertonesaboutRoshni’sfate,andfathersinsistedtheirdaughtersbeescortedanywheretheywentasterrorandsadnessspreadthroughthesmalllocale.
Roshnihadbeenaccusedofbeinginarelationshipwithaboyfromarivalcaste.Kiranhadnoideawhetheritwastrue.Infact,shewasn’tsureanyonedid.Butthepowerofthesocietalhierarchyputtheblameonher,ahigh-castegirl,forfallingforalower-casteboy.They“dated,”accordingtoonenewspaper.Theyhadan“affair,”accordingtoanother.Wordslikeclandestine,forbidden,andsteamywerethrownaroundasthoughthetwopeopleinvolvedwiththestoryweren’tpeopleatall—justzooanimalsmeanttoserveamorbidinterest.
Thetaleitselfwasn’tabouttherelationship.Itwastheinsinuationthattheyhadsexorparticipatedinsomethingthatnoparentwouldwanttheirchildtoundergo.Anddatingbecamethefaceofatragedythatsupersededtheviolenceitself.
Onherwayhomefromschool,Roshnihadbeenattackedwithacidbyasame-castememberofhervillageforbringingshameonherfamilyandthecasteitself.Theperpetratorwasn’tevenrelatedtoher.Hehadonlyheardofthegossipanddecidedsheshouldpay.Herface,burnedawaybyasimmeringbottleofpoison,wasscarredforever.Noonewantedherafterthat.Shewouldbemockedincessantlyasamutant.Inanaccompanyingphotoofherstory,sheworeascarfoverherface,oneeyedroopingfartherthantheotherfromthedamagecausedbytheincident.Shehadlosthervision,herlooks,andthelifeshehadseenforherself.
Kiranwasneversurewhathadpromptedanacidattackononegirlanddisowninganother.Kirti’spunishment,inrelativeterms,seemedlesssevere.Perhapsshehadevenescapedaterriblefatebybeingbanished.
“Ma…couldsomeonedothattome?”Kiranhadaskedhermother.
“Wewouldnever,beta,butyoushouldalwaysfollowtherules,sonoonehasreasontodosomethinglikethistoyou.”ThereplyservedasawarningfromanequallyshakenMa.
“Whataretherules?”
“ListentoyourparentsandBhagwan.Youwillnevergowrong.Let’sgotothemandir.”
Listentoyourparentsbecauseshedidn’t—andRoshnideservedit.NomatterhowwellmeaningMahadtriedtobe,thesympathycamewithadireconsequenceandanequallystrongwarning:Breakersofruleswouldbepunished.Followthepathlaidout,andyouwouldbesafe.
Intheyearsfollowing,KiranoftenwonderedwhatMaprayedforinthemandirthatday.Mastoodinherredsalwarkurta,herdupattadutifullypulledoverherheadasmarriedwomendid,andhereyeswereclosedinfeverishconcentration.Evenherbreathingslowed,thetwinkleinhernecklacenolongercatchingthesunfrommovement.Kiranwonderedifsheaskedforpeace.Ifsheaskedfordutifuldaughters.IfsheaskedforsolaceforRoshniandherfamily,whowouldneverfindpeaceagain.
PerhapssheaskedGodnottoallowherdaughterstofallfromgraceandearnthatpunishment.
Kiranneverasked.Maybeshewastooscaredto.
Butastabofrighteousindignationandcowardlyfearstillblewoverhereverytimeshethoughtofthearticleandwhatcouldhappentoayoungwomanfordoinganythingthatcouldimpugnherfamily’sreputation…howanaction—whateverthatmaybe,likehavingfeelingsforsomeone,datingsomeone,sleepingwithsomeone,orhavingherownmind—couldleadtocatastrophicconsequencesfortherestofherlifefromstrangerswithasenseofownershipoverherchoices.Maybeherfamilywouldhaveaccepteditdowntheroad,buttheirchoicefortheirdaughter,andherhopesanddreams,weretakenawaybyasocietysobentonkeepingcollectivecontrolovertheirimagethattheytookthesituationintotheirownhands.
Herfamilywouldalwaysbebrandedastheparentswhosedaughterfellinloveoutofcaste.
Kiran:MymomsaidIbrokethem.ShealsosaidIwasawhore.
Payal:WHAT?
Akash:Areyouokay?
Sonam:Whyisthatalwaysthefirstattack…ffs.Iloveyourmombutthefoodgasmshegivesmeisn’tenoughtokeepmefromcallingouthowwrongsheishere.
Payal:Sonam,theydon’tknowmuchbetterthantoattack.
Kiran:Youthinkpeoplewillholditagainstmyparentsiftheirseconddaughterdoeswhatthefirstdid?
Sonam:Iftheydo…areyouabletocopewiththat?
Kiran:Honestly?Idon’tknow.IfeelresponsibilitytowardtheplaceIgrewupin.Geographydoesn’tchangehistory.Andoursisfullofpain.
Akash:Whateveryoudecide,we’rehereforyou.
BabahadlovinglycaressedherforeheadwithdampwashclothswhenKiranhadgonedownwithtyphoidduringherseventh-gradefinalexams—teststhatthegovernmentdidn’tallowstudentstomakeupwithoutrepeatingayear,andthestatehadforcedhertotakethemanyway.MahadsoldasetofhergoldweddingbanglestopayforKiran’sschoolbooks.
Nashhadbeenaroundformonths…andincomparison,whilehisemotionalweightheldstrongonthescaleKiranmeasuredhimon,thetimeshehadwithMaandBabaalwaysweighedintheirfavor.ThethingstheyhadgivenKirtiandKiran—educationsdespitethesmalltownsthey’dgrownin,textbooksdespitetheirincomelimitations,lovedespitebeinggirlsinasocietythatvaluedboys—thosecountedformorethanfewmonthsofbutterflies,right?
Herbodysquirmedunderneaththesheetsthatnight,suddenlyhotandcoldatthesametime.Herbodyreactedtothedecisionshemadewithviolentchills.Thecreakingfloorboardsfromtheapartmentaboveherscreechedinthequiet.
Thatnight,herdreamswerefullofsmokingfleshandscreamsofagony.
I’mcomingover.ShetextedNashintheevening,aftershehadspenthourstryingtotalkherselfoutofwhatshewasabouttodo.
Shebuzzeduptohisapartment,feelingarocksettleinherbelly.
“Hey,Iwashopingtoseeyou.Iwantedtotalktoyouaboutsomething,”Nashsaidassheenteredthelivingroom.
Theapartmentwasclean,asthoughNashhadspenttheentirenightscrubbingeverythinginhissight.Anopenletterwastheonlythingaskanceonthecoffeetable.Butrightnow,Kiranhadtospeak.
“CanIgofirst?”
Nash’sfacewasn’thelping.Hewassohopefulanddelightedthatshe’dcomeover,andshecouldn’tstandthewayhisblueeyeswidenedlikeachild’s.
“Nash,myparentsarereallyupset.Theyaren’tsupportiveofthisatall.Mymomcalledmeawhore.”Hervoicecracked.“Idon’tknowaboutthisanymore.Itdoesn’tfeellikeit’sgoingtosettledown.”
“Wecanfacethistogether,”hesaid.“Angeralwayscomesfirst,butithastofadeatsomepointandleaveroomforconversation,right?”
Heleaneddowntokissher,butsheturnedherhead,resultinginamisplacedpeckonthecheek.
“No…Idon’tthinkwecanfacethisatall.”
“Kiran,Iknowit’sweighingyou,andI’msorryforthat.Butwecanmakeit.Ipromiseyouwe’llsurvive.Youjusthavetokeepworkingatitwiththem.”
“Forhowlong?Mysisterfoughtitformonths.Theywereforcedtolethergoforthatdecision.Andtheyneverforgaveherforiteither.”
“Thisisn’tlikethat.”
“How?It’sexactlylikethat.Potentiallyworse.Becauseyou’re—”
“BecauseI’mwhat?White?”
Nash’swordsweretrue—andKiran’sbloodboiledatit.Shewouldn’tgivehimthebenefitofansweringthataccusation,knowinghowbaditmadeherandherfamilysoundtosomeonewhodidn’tunderstandthenuanceofaforeignculture…andalsobecauseitmadeherquestionittoo.
Hegloweredathernow,hischaracteristicpatienceandunderstandingevaporatinginfrontofhereyes.
“Idon’tgetit.Youstaywithme,andthey’lleventuallycomearound.That’stheonlywaythey’llgetusedtotheidea,isn’tit?”
“Canyoupleasestopassumingyouknowhowtofixit?It’snotgoingtowork.”
“YoukeepactinglikeI’mtheonewho’sbeenholdingthisoveryourheadandtellingyouthatit’smeorthem.”
“Aren’tconversationslikethisexactlythat?”Kiransnapped.Shecouldn’thandlethathewasright,thatshewasdoingthistoherself.
“Ofcoursenot.Youbroughtupwhyyouwereupset,andIwasofferingasuggestion.You’rewritingmeoutofthisnarrativecompletely.Ihavezerosay.You’vedecided.Youwanttogo.”
“It’snotlikethat…”Shestruggledtoexplain.“Ican’tchooseyouovermyfamily!Afterallthey’vegonethrough,Ican’tdothattothem.”
“Ineveraskedyouto!”
“Don’tyougetit?Themereideaofus—youandmetogether—isalreadymakingmechoose.”
“MyGod,Kiran,allI’vewantedformyentirelifeisasolidhome.AplacewhereIcanrestmyheadandknowthatinthemorning,therewillbestability,love,andareasontolookforwardtoeveryday.IthoughtIfoundthatwithyou,yes,butIwouldn’taskyoutogiveupyourfamily—thesamepeoplewhohavegivenyouthatverything—justtofulfillmywish.WhothehelldoyouthinkIam?”
“Thenwhatdoyouwant?”
“Anythingbutthis!”
Thewordshungbetweenthem,likedanglingstalactitesinacave,threateningthosewhodaredtowalkunderneath.
“Thenwhydon’tyoulookforanythingbutthis?”Kiranhissed.
Herlastbaitingideawastotosstheideaofamoresuitablepartner,anAmericanwoman,athimandhopehe’dgetfedupwithher.Howelsewouldshegethimtoseethatitwouldbeeasierwithsomeoneelse?Itwouldbesomucheasierifhesawthathewasworthmorethanthisandifhecalledheronhershitandleft.
“Don’tyoudaredothat.Don’tyouputwordsinmymouthandtrytotwistthissoI’mthebadguy,whenyou’vehadthepowerallalong.Idon’twantthis,thisridiculousin-betweenwhereyouwanttoplaybothsidesbutdon’twanttomoveforwardinanydirection.”
“Youdon’tgetit!Andyouwon’ttryto.”
“Idon’tgetit.I’mtrying,butyouwon’tletmeintoseehowIcanmakeitbetterforyou.You’vealreadygivenup,andI’mtheonlyoneherefighting.”
Hisattemptatconvincinghertostayonlybrokeherheartintomorepieces.Shewantedtotakebackherwordsandgobacktotheblissfulnightsthey’dspentcuddlingonthecouch.
Ourdaughterisdeadtous.
“Weneedtobreakup,”shesaid.Themonotonyinhervoicefrightenedher—arobotictonethatlackedanyvitalityorconviction.
Nash’sfacereddened.Heexhaledandturnedawayfromher,hishandsonhishead.Thenhewhippedaround.
“Iexpectedbetterofyou.Ithoughtyou’dfighttomakethiswork.”
“Well,clearlythatwasn’tthecase,wasit?”Kiransnapped.“Andhowcouldyouthinkthat,Nash?Myfamilydisownedmysisterfordoingthesamething.It’salwaysbeenachoice—youorthem.IfIchooseyou,Ilosethembecausehowcouldtheyforgiveachildwhohasdonethistothemafterseeingwhattheyalreadywentthrough.Iwouldactivelyhurtthem—Iwouldmakeachoicetohurtmyparents.AndifIchoosethem,Iloseyou,becausethat’stheonlywaytheystickaround.”
“ButIdon’tunderstandhowyoucouldmakeachoicelikethissoeasily.”
“Howdareyou!”sheshoutedback.“Doyoureallythinkthiswaseasy?”
“Oh,stopit,Kiran.You’reinAmerica.Youhaveoptionsandfreedom—”
“Youstopit,youarrogantjerk,”shehissed.“Theworldisn’tAmerica.”
“Youhavethefreedomtochoosehere.”
Kiranscoffed,andhefrownedatheraccompanyingdubiouslaugh.Freedom.Noonewasfree.Everyactionhadaconsequence.
“What,youthinkyourcountry—”
“Stop.Stopitnow,Nash.”Kiranputherhandupandleveledhervoice,thoughthedeadlinessinitcouldkillthemostindomitableenemy.“You’reabouttoinsultaplaceyouhaven’tbeenandacultureyoudon’tunderstand.Notonlyisthatbeneathyou,butIwillnotstandhereandletyouinsultmyfamily,myvillage,myeducation,andallwecollectivelyworkedforbecauseyou’reonyourhighhorse.”
Hisfacecrumpledatbeingcalledoutontheworstofhim.“Ididn’tmean—”
“Youdid.Don’tpretend.”
“Idon’tunderstand.Igetthatyouhavecommitments.Irespectthat.Irespectwhatyourparentsbeenthrough.ButIdon’tunderstandwhyit’sachoice.Whyisthisanusorthem?Whycan’titbeallofus?Orhowcanasingledecisionnegateallthatyoumentioned—yourfamily,yourvillage,youreducation,andallyouworkedfor?Thosethingsshouldholdsteadyregardlesswhoyoufallinlovewith.That’sliterallythebiggestdecisionyou’llmake.”
“Nash…Iloveyouforbeingsoidealistic,buttheworlddoesn’tworkthatway,”Kiransaidsadly.“Anditwasalwaysachoice.We’retoxictoeachother.Lookatwhatwe’vealreadydonetoourrelationships.”
Herrelationships.
Incredulitybledacrosshisface.Hisfingerstightenedintofists,asthoughhewascatchinghisrebuttalinhisknucklesinsteadofallowingthepainfulwordshewasfightingtotumbleoutofhismouth.
“That’sreallyhowyoufeel?”
No,ofcoursenot,youidiot.
Butangerfromhisimpendingbigotryandfrustrationatbeingunabletospeaktoherparentsflowedthroughherveinslikeblood,feedingeverycellinherbodytoenditnowandgobacktowhenlifewassimpler.
“Yes.Yes,Ido.”
“Weneverstoodachance,didwe…”Itwasn’taquestion.Thebitternessseepedfromhiseveryporeashemutteredthewordswithdisgust.“Ineverstoodachance.Itwasneveraboutmeatall.”
“Nash…”Kiran’seyesfilledwithtears.
HowcouldsheexplainthatyearsofwatchingherparentswipetheireyesonKirti’sbirthdayandpretendingasthoughBaba’slonghourshadn’tbeentopayforherschoolingwerejustadenialofthetruth:thatlovewasneverinherfutureonhertermsandthatherfamilyhadsacrificedalltheyhadtogetherwhereshewas.
“Ican’tmakeyouunderstand.I’msosorry.”
“No…youcan’t.You’llneverunderstandthatitdidn’thavetobethisway.”
“Itwasalwaysachoice,whetheryouwantedittobeornot,”shetriedtoexplain.“Theyalreadywentthroughthisonce!HowcanIaskthemtodoitagain?”
“Well,nowIguessyoudon’thaveto.Youshouldleave.”
Kiranrecoiled.“Nash…”
“Go.”
Butshestoodinplace,frozeninshockatthevitriolinhisvoice.
“Fine.I’llgo,”Nashmuttered.
Heslidhisfeetintotherunningshoesbythedoorandslammedthedooronthewayout,leavingKiranshell-shockedandforcedtocalmherselfdownalone.ChapterThirty-Five
NASH
Walkingoutwasthemostchildishthinghecouldhavedone.Itwashisdad’sstyle,nothis.
Buthisdadwaspreciselywhyhewassoagitated,andKiran’sunilateraldecisionthattheycouldn’tbetogetheronlyexacerbatedthelossofcontrolNashwasexperiencing.
Heneededtogoforarunorsomethingtoclearhisheadandseparatealltheissuescrowdinghismind.Theywereencroachingoneachother’sspace,andhehatedhowhisdadwasinfluencinghowhedealtwithKiranandKiranwasimpactinghowhehandledhisdad’sletter(ordidn’thandleitatall).Hewantedtoprythemapartsohecouldthinkaboutitallonethingatatime.
Hehadtochangebeforeheheadedoutagain,sohewalkedbacktohisapartment,droppingadollarbillintoahomelessman’scupasheapproachedhisbuilding.Thethuddingbeatswithwhichhisheartpoundedwerelikepuncheshewaslandingonaboxingbagofissues.
Heunlockedhisapartmentandlethimselfin.Quietly,hehopedthatKiranwasstillthere—thatperhapshiswalkoutwouldbeforgivenandthatshe’dtakebackthebreakup.Maybetheycouldtalklikeadultsandnavigatethisunknownterritorytogether.
Butshewasgone.
Hestoodinthelivingroomforabreath,lettingherabsencewashoverhimbeforethrowinghiskeysonthecounterandgoingdirectlytohiscloset.Herummagedforhissneakersandsomegymclothesbeforechangingandgrabbinghiskeysagain.Hisheadphoneswereinhisearsbeforehehadevenshuthisfrontdoor.
Thecementsidewalkagainstthesolesofhisfeetwasthekindoftherapynopsychiatristcouldprovide.Theanger,confusion,andaggressionhisbodyneededtoexpressfueledthewayhislegspumped,andwitheachblockheaddedtohisrun,histensionfellaway,allowinghimtothinkclearly.
Deepdown,heknewhewasinlovewithKiran.
Headoredherlaugh.Helovedthestrengthofherjawlineandhowitaddedalittledefiancetoherface,especiallybecauseshewassomeonewhohadsuchasenseofduty.Hethoughtofherhairandhowsilkyitfelttothetouchwhenhisfingersranthroughit.Andhermindwasthemostbeautifulthingofall…Henevergottiredofexploringitscrevicesanddiscoveringnewpathsinit.
BeinginlovewithKiranwaslikeanadventureeveryday,andhewasaddictedtothepursuitofdiscoveringher.Andhavingherwashavingahome.
Resentmentbubbledinsidehimagainstherparents—peoplehe’dneverevenmetwhowerelivingtheirlivesontheothersideoftheworld,unawarehowtheywereimpactinghis.Hedidn’tunderstandwhyhewasundergoingpunishmentforfallinginlove.Varietywassupposedtobethespiceoflife,right?Hecouldn’timaginelovingormarryingsomeonewithinsuchastrictsetofguidelines.God,howmanypeopledidthatleaveonceallthecriteriaweremetanyway?Didtheyreallyexpecttheirdaughtertomarryoneofthethreepeoplewhofiteveryqualityontheirlistfromcastetoambition?
Thepointhestruggledwithmost,theonehedidn’tevenwanttoadmittohimself,wasthathewasn’tgoodenoughforherfamily.Hehadspenthisentirelifeprovingthathiscircumstanceswerenoindicatorofthetypeofmanhewas…andherehewas,educatedandinlovewithKiran,andunabletodoanythingaboutit.Hisbackgroundasawhiteman,hisparentalhistoryofabandonmentanddrugabuse,andthemerefactthathewasbornintoafamilydifferentfromherownwasbeingheldagainsthim.Itwasoutofhiscontrol.Hecouldn’thelpasinglethingthatwasbeingusedasanargumentagainsthim.
Justlikehecouldn’thelpthefurythatragedinsidehimwhenhethoughtofhisfatherreachingout.
Whilehewasabletosaythathismotherwasdeadandthathisfatherhadabandonedthemwhenhewasachild,hispastwasacertainty.EventhoughitwasbeingheldagainsthimwithKiran,hestillknewexactlywhohewasandwherehestoodinrelationtohisparents—hesimplydidn’thaveany.
Butnow,Kirkhadcomplicatedeverything.Hewantedarelationship.
Whatwouldmakeupfortwenty-fiveyearsofabsentia?Whatwaslefttosay?Nashhadcometotermswithnothavingafather,anditwasaforeignconcepttointroduceonetohislifenow.
Theunsettled,anxious,wobblywaveofemotionhewasfacingkepthimfromfindingapaceonhisrunthatsuitedhim.Windedandannoyed,heheadedbacktohisplacewherehepickedupthephone,dialingBrandon.
“Yougotaminute?”Nashploppedontohissofa,exhaustedandtooflareduptorestallatonce.
“What’sup?”
“Shebrokeupwithme.”
“Noway.”Brandon’sincreduloustonemadeNashfeelworse.“Why?”
“Herparents,Iguess.Culturaldifferences.”
“Didyoudosomethingoffensive?”Brandonsoundedconfused.
“Idon’tthinkso.Maybeexisting.”
“Idon’tknowwhatthatmeans.”
“Idon’tknoweither,”Nashsnapped.“It’slike…onesecond,I’minlovewithherandwe’resohappy.Thenext,she’sinmyapartmenttellingmeshedoesn’tthinkwe’llmakeitbecauseherfamilydisapprovesofherdecisiontodatemeandIdon’tfitintotheirplanforhertomarrysomeonetheychoose.”
“That’snotideal.Butmaybeit’sexpected?”
“What?Doesitmakesensetoyou?”
Nashhadn’tknownBrandontosolvemanyproblemsbeforehedid.
“It’snotlikeIgetit,”Brandonsaid,andNashcouldimaginehimshrugging.“Butbasedonwhatyou’vetoldme,sheworkedhardtogetherewiththesupportofherfamily,anditsoundslikethey’veallbeenthroughalot.Itmustbehardtoletthatgoandshiftyourpath.Maybetheyexpectedhertorespectthatjourney.”
“It’snotexactlyrespectfultome.”
“Hey,I’mnotarguingwiththat.Iamonyourside.LikeIsaid,Idon’tpretendtounderstandwhereshe’scomingfrom.Itsucks.Buttryandempathize.Maybethatwillgiveyouasolutionthatmakessense.It’swhatyoudo.”
“There’sliterallynothingIcando.”
Brandonstayedquiet,confirmingNash’sthoughts.Acoupleofsecondspassed.
“Yousaidyoulovedher.”
“Ido.”
“That’sbig.”
“It’shuge.Anddon’tsay‘That’swhatshesaid,’becauseevenIcan’thandleasexjokefromyourightnow.”
Brandonchuckled.“Ithoughtit’dbreaktheice!Butforthesakeofyourgrumpyass…sleeponit.You’retoopissedandupsettotalktoherrightnow.Buteventually,youmayhaveto.”
“Thanks,”Nashgrumbled.
“Ifyouneedme,I’vegotyou.I’macallaway.”
“Iappreciateit,”Nashsaid.
Theyhungup.
“Ughhhhh!”hegroanedinfrustrationasherubbedhishandsonhisface.
Hewantedasolutionfromtheuniverse—awaytofixthissothatKirancouldkeepherfamily’slovebuthedidn’tloseher.Darknessfell,andonlysilenceechoedback.ChapterThirty-Six
KIRAN
“Youlooklikehell,”Akashnotedbeforehisbottomhitthechair.
“Thanks,”mumbledKiran,fiveminutesearlytotheirchaidate,evenwhenshewasmiserable.
“Haveyoubeeneating?”Sonam’seyeswerefullofconcernasshestudiedKiran’spaleskin,thinningwrists,andblankstare.
“Alittle.”
Payalwatchedthem,herarmscrossedwithonehandunderherchin.“HaveyouspokenwithAuntyorUncle?”sheasked
“Itried.”Kiran’svoicecracked.“Icalledthemthismorning.Mymomanswered—thenmydadshoutednottotalktome.Hesaidhedidn’thaveadaughter.Thenshehungup.”
Kiranhadjumpedatthebellowherfatherhadletoutathermother,evenfromacrosstheplanet.Mahadbeencurt—notthekindofsternoneusedatanincessanttelemarketerbutthekindofcoldnessoneusedwithsomeonetheydeeplyloathed.Kiranhadonlyheardthattoneonce—whentheiraunthadgreetedherafterKirti’sweddingasifnothinghadhappenedandaskedhowMawasdoing.
Allofthemjoltedlikethey’dbeenhit.Kirancouldn’timaginethemhavingblowoutswiththeirfamilies—Sonam,soclosetoherparentsandherbrother.Akash,withhisbabyboystatus.Payal,withtwoparentswhoweredistantemotionallybutneverceasedtogiveherwhatsheneeded.
“Wehaveeachother.”Babakissedherforehead.“We’rericherthanmost.AndIhavemyrayofsunshineinyou.”
Wehadeachother,KiranthoughtangrilyatthememoryofherandBabavisitingthemandiranddiscussingalltheyhadtogether.
Butanequallypowerfulmemoryslappedherintheface.
Tenthstandard—inAmerica,theycalledthemgrades—examswererapidlyapproaching.EightdayswereleftwhenKiran’sskinbegantoflush.Thefeversetrapidlyafterthat.Ifshedidn’ttaketheexaminations,shewouldbeconsideredafailure—notbyherfamily’sstandardsbutbytheschoolandgovernment’sstrictno-exceptionsrules.
Typhoidornot,shehadtositforthetests.
Babahadsatquietlybyherbed,asshedriftedinandoutofherdeliriousstate,withacoldcompressonherforehead.Hestrokedherhairlinethroughherworstphasesoftheillnessuntilshehadfinallyopenedhereyesandslowlybeguntoswallowwater.Thenplainyogurtandrice.Thenmango.Hefedhercarefully,notevenallowingMatocomenearthebed,relegatinghertostandingbythedoorwayinstead.
Whenshe’dfinallygrownstrongenough,afterfivedays,tositupstraightandreadthenewspaper,Babahadtoldherthathe’dtriedeverythingtogettheschooltopostponeherexambutthatinthreeshortdays,shewouldhavetositanyway.
“Iwillhelpyou,”hepromisedatearfulKiran.“Youwon’tgiveup.Iwon’tletyou.”
Forthreedays,ifKiranwasn’tsleeping,sheandBabawererecitinghistoricalfacts,mathematicalequations,andphysicsprinciplestoeachother.
She’dfinishedsecondthatyear—theonlytimeshe’deverdroppedfromfirst.Butsheworethatbadgeofhonorproudly,becausesheandBabahadearnedittogetherdespitehimnothavingmorethanahighschooleducationandshebeingfever-ridden.
“Weareagoodteam,”hesaidandlaughed.“MaybeIshouldhavehadyoutogetmethroughmyexamstoo.”
Now,theyweren’tevenspeaking.Themanwhohadnursedherbacktohealthwishedshenevermadeit.
“TheytoldmeIwasdeadtothem,”Kiranrepeatedforwhatfeltlikethemillionthtimeinthelastfewweeks.Nomatterhowmanytimesshesaidit,theunforgivable,painfulaccusationsofbetrayalandimproprietyburnedher.“Maybetheymeantit.”
“Itwasaviolentreactionbuttheydidn’tmeanit,”Sonamsaidwithcertainty.“They’reupset.Parentsspeakoutofturnasmuchaswedowhenthey’reangry.”
“MydadaskedifIknewwhatwouldhavehappenedtomeifIlivedthere.”Hereyeswelledagain.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Payal’sbrowsfurrowed.
“Anhonorkilling?”Sonam’svoiceroseanoctave,heroutrageevidentnow.“Theywouldn’t.”
Kiranshookherhead.“Theywouldn’t.Iknowthat.Butthattheycouldeventhreatenmewithsomethingsoextreme…evenmentionsomethinglikethat.”Sheshuddered.
“Kiran,Iwantyoutoknowsomething.WhateverhappenswithNashgoingforward,we’llbewithyou,andwewillsupportyou.”Sonamputherhandonhers.
Kiranattemptedasmileatthesolidarity.
“ButI’mnotsurebeingwithNashistherightmoveforyouatthemoment.Ithinkyoudidthesmartthing.”
Thewayhervoicebecamesoothingbutfirm,hereyecontactunbreakable,andhertypicallyforcefuldemeanortransformedintoanunnaturallynegotiatingone…Suddenly,KiranhadbecomeapatienttoDr.SonamJoshi.
“Iloveyou.Wealldo.Butyourfamilyhasgivenupsomuchforyou.Iwasthinkingaboutwhatyourmomsaid—wemaynotgetwherethey’recomingfrom.Buthonorkillingsandacidattacks?Theygaveuptheirdaughterandwerewillingtocutherout,topreventanychanceofthatkindofharmcomingtoher.Thesacrifice,intheirminds,isthattheyprovedtheirhonorandfollowedtheirelders’wordbycuttingKirtiout…whichmayhavesavedherfromallthethingstheyfeared.Peopleforgotsheexistedratherthanseeingherdowhattheythoughtwasdishonorable,andmaybeyourparentssawthatasthebetteroption.They’reterrifiedoffeelingtheircirclesoflovedonesputpressureonthemagain,afraidoftheconsequencesthatcomewithdefiance,andworriedabouthavingtogiveyouupthesameway.Maybethere’snuancewedon’tunderstandorevenagreewith.I’mnotsayingyouhadtosacrificeyourloveinordertopaythemback,buttheriskmaynotbeworththedamageit’lldotothem,especiallywithUncle’shealth.You’vealwaystalkedaboutprovidingthemtheopportunitytorelaxandenjoytheirlives.Idon’twanttoseeyoulosesightofthat,evenifithurts.”
Kirannodded.
Theentireworldseemedtobetellinghershewasdoingtherightthing…butwhywasitsodamnhard?ChapterThirty-Seven
NASH
Everyonehaddayswhentheydidn’twanttogotowork.EvenNashhadthem,despitelovinghisjobandbeingabletotalktothechildrenunderhiscare.
Buttoday,hewasn’thavinganyofit.
Thechildrenweren’ttheissue;surprisingly,Nashfoundthemtobefullofclarityandrealism.Itwastheirparentswhoweretheproblem.
“Whatdoyoumeanmydaughterhasaneatingdisorder?She’sjustlostalittleweight!Andit’sabouttime,giventhatshe’salwaysbeenalittlechubby,”onemotherprotested.
“Antidepressants?He’sthirteen.Hesleepsalldayandignoreshisschoolworkforattentionandbecausehe’sbeinglazy,notbecausehe’sdepressed.Whatdoesheevenhavetobedepressedabout?”
“HowcomeDr.Brighamisn’ttakingcareofthiscase?Whywouldhepassitontoanewdoctor?”
Itwasonlynoon,andNashhadaheadachethatsearedthroughhisentirebrain,throbbingandpulsingbehindhiseyes.Herubbedhiseyeswiththepalmofhishand,tryingtorelievethepressuresomehow,butitdidn’thelp.Evenpainrelieversweren’tkickingin.
AndhehadtokeepittogetherforhissessionwithDr.Brigham.
DavidBrighamwaslikeadadtoallthepsychologistsatthehospital—alittleolder,alittlewiser,alittlemorefullofcornyjokesduringtherare,off-the-cuffmomentsonecaughthim,likegrabbingadrinkofwaterorinlineforsnacksatthecafeteria.
HewasthetypeofmentorNashhadhopedforwhenhemovedtoNewYork,ablessinghehadn’tcountedonthatlifehadseenfittogivehim.
HeandDr.BrighamwereseeingTrentDagmar’smothertoday.Shehadbeenreleasedfromrehabrecently,andDr.Brighamwantedtocheckinwithhertoseehowthetransitionwasgoing,ifTrentneededanything,andhowthefamilywasdoingoverall.WhileNashworkedwithTrent,Dr.Brighamdealtwiththepsychologyofadults,sotheywantedtotagteamthiscase.
NashsilentlyfollowedDr.Brighamintotheroom,sittinginaseatinthecorneroftheroomtoobserveratherthanparticipateinthesession.
“Howareyoudoingtoday,Rhonda?”Dr.Brighamasked,lookingatherchartbeforesettingitdown.
“I’mfine.Gotreleasedaweekago.”
“Andhowdoyoufeel?”
“Honestly,likeIreallyneedahit.”
Nashwasusedtoanswershedidn’texpect.Heneverknewwhatcouldcomeoutofapatient’smouth.Butthistime,hisobjectivitywasclouded,andhefrownedatherresponse.
“Haveyouspokentoyoursponsor?Haveyoubeenusingyourcopingtechniquestohelpyougetoverthetoughmoments?”Dr.Brighamasked.
“I’vebeentrying.ButImissthehigh.It’seasiertodealwiththehighandthefeelingofinvincibilitythanitistobeamomorhandlethelows.I’vebeentemptedmorethanoncetocallmydealer.”
Dr.Brighampatientlynotedsomethingdown,likelyabouthercravings.
“AndhowdoesTrentfeel?”
“He’sbeenactingoutmoreoftenathisfosterhome.Hehasagoodsituationoverthere;I’mnotreallysurewhyhe’sbeensopissedatme.SometimesIthinkit’sbetterthatI’mgonefromhislifeanyway—likehe’sgettingabetterupbringingwithoutme.”
“Doyouthinkyou’llfeellikeabettermotheronceyou’vebeensoberforlonger?”
“Idon’tknowifIwillbesoberforthatlong,Doc.Imean,it’sliketheysaidinrehab.‘Onceanaddict,alwaysanaddict.’Rightnow,I’dprobablytradeTrentforahit.”Rhondalaughed.
IfDr.BrighamwasshockedatRhonda’sconfessionandjokingtone,hedidn’tshowit.
ButsomethingsnappedinsideNash.
Itwasn’tfunny.Thiswasn’tajoke.Whetheritwasacopingmechanism,abadsenseofhumor,oranurge,Nashsawredatthewoman’sdismissivenessaboutheraddictionandthedamageithadcaused.
“Rhonda,youdoknowthatallTrentwantsisforyoutobesoberandcomehometohim,right?Hestillbelievesyoucanovercomethisdisease,likethehundredsofpeoplewhohavecomethroughhereandsatinthatverychairthatyouruncaringassissittinginandwhohavefoughtthroughhelltocomebackandmakealifeforthemselves.Andhereyouare,jokingabouthowyou’dtradeinasonformoredrugs—maybeheshouldgiveuphope.GodknowsIwould.”
“Nash!”Dr.Brighamsaidsternly.
Rhonda’sfacereddened,likeshe’dbeenpunched.
“Dr.Hawthorne.Outside.Now,”Dr.Brighamcommanded.
Nashknewatthatmomenthe’dcrossedalineandheowedeveryoneanapology.Therewasnoexcuse.Hell,evenhehadn’tgivenuponRhonda.HowmanytimeshadMomtriedtostaysober?Andhowmanytimeshadothersbeensuccessful?Hewasn’tacrystalballthatcouldpredictwhattheDagmarfamily’sfuturelookedlike.
Withalevelhead,NashknewthatRhondawasdoingwhataddictsdid—goingthroughvariouscyclesofhealing,utilizingdifferentmethodsofcopingwiththeeffectstheaddictionhadontheirlives,andtryingtonavigateanewlifewherethey’dbelabeledanaddictforever.
He’dneverhadanoutburstinhislife,alwaysmorefocusedonthepositiveresultsofthesesessionsonchildrenratherthanhowdamagedalltheinvolvedpartiescouldbecome.
Butlifehadfinallypushedhimovertheedge,tothepointwherehecouldfeelhimselffree-fallingthroughanabyss.Noonecouldcatchhimnow,andhewasbeyondbeingabletoreachoutandgrabahand.
“Whatwasthat,son?”Dr.Brighamaskedwithasurprisingamountofpatience
“Iamanass,”Nashsaid.“I’msosorry.Ioweheranapology.Andyou.IsnappedinthereathowcarelesslyshetalkedaboutTrent,whohasliterallyspentthelastfewmonthstellingmehowmuchhewantshismomtocomehomeandhowtiredheisoftakingcareofhimself.”
Dr.Brighamsighedheavilyandnodded,consideringtheoptions.“You’vedoneenoughtoday.I’lltalktoherforyouandtellheryouweren’tfeelingwell.ButIsuggestyoutakeafewdaysandgohome.Nash,youareoneofthemostbrilliantpsychologistsIhaveeverseen.You’vemadebreakthroughswithpatientsthatevenI’dgivenupon.Butifyou’retakingithomewithyou,foryourownsake,Isuggestyoutakealookatyourselfandwhyyou’redoingthis.”
“No,sir,Icanwork.Iapologize.I—”
“Thatwasn’tarequest.Youneedtotakeaweek.I’llhaveanotherpsychologistcoveryou,andyoucanswapyourweeks.Butyouneedtotaketime.Gohome.”
“I’msorry.”Nashbowedhishead.“Idon’tknowwhatgotintome.”
“Ithappenstothebestofus,son,butthat’swhyyouneedtotakecareofyourself.”
Withthesuggestioninhismentor’svoice,Nashknewhewasbeingdismissed.
***
Nashberatedhimselftheentiretrainridehome,usingacolorfulsetoffour-letterwordsinhismindtodescribethedisasterofacareermovehe’djustmade.
What.A.Clusterfuck.
Ashemovedtowardthedoortotheapartment,hesawaflashofafamiliarsetofKedsstepoutthedoor,followedbylegsthathadwrappedthemselvesaroundhim.Kiran’sfacewaspointedintheoppositedirection,butassheturnedandcamedownthestairs,shesawNashandfroze.Hereyeswidened,andhermouthdroppedopen.
Theyfacedoffinthemiddleofthesidewalk.
Nashcouldn’thelpbutnoticethehollownessinhereyesandthepaleshadeherskinhadtakenon,thetelltalesignthatshehadn’tslept.Sheprobablysawthesameexhaustioninhim.
“Howareyou?”Shebrokethesilence.
Nashtriedtosay“Good,”buthecouldn’tlie.Heshruggedinstead.
“Metoo,”shewhispered.“Imissyou.Ihaven’tbeenabletosleep—”
“Kiran,hasasinglethingchangedaboutyoursituation?”Nashasked,refusingtolethermakehimfeelpity.
“What?No…Imean,Ihaven’ttalkedwithmyparentsaboutit—”
“ThenI’mnotsurewhatsympathyyou’retryingtogain,butit’smisplacedtothinkit’llcomefromme.”
Hermouthfellopen,andthehurtinhereyesbrokehimfurtherinside,buthedidn’tgivein.
Kirangaveaquicknod,asthoughshewastellinghimshegotthemessage,andpulledthebaginherhandstohershoulderasfastasshecould,jostlingitscontents.Acoupleofreceiptsfloatedtotheground,andsomesparecoinsjingledagainstthecement.
Shedidn’tevennoticeassheincreasedherpaceandbrushedpasthim.
Heclosedhiseyes,awhiffofherperfumemakinghimlongtobewithher,andhiseyesfollowedherpasthim.
Asheturnedback,hesawafoldedpieceofpaperonthesidewalkamongtheclutterthathadfallenoutofherbag.
Heleanedtopickitup,wantingtocalloutandgiveitbacktoher,knowingitwasprobablyoneofthemillionlistssheusedtokeepherlifeorganized.Buthecouldn’tbringhimselftodoit,holdingitinhishandlikeitwasapieceofherthathecouldclingto.
Whenhewentinside,desolateanddefeated,hewisheditwereherhewasholdinginstead.ChapterThirty-Eight
KIRAN
Thatnight,Kiransatinadazeonhercouch.Shehadgonethroughherworkdaysoverthelastweekinaquiethypnoticstate,unawareofanyconversationsorprojectsgoingonoutsideofherown.
Nash’sfacereplayedinhermind,andshecouldn’tshakethechillsthatcamefromhowemptyhistonehadbeenwhenhe’dspokenwithher.
Shedidn’tknowwhatshe’dexpected—certainlynotkindness.Butdisinteresthurtmorethansheeverthoughtitwould.
Herphonerang,andsheignoredit.Whenitrangasecondtime,shefinallylookedoverandsawMa’snameacrossthescreen.Shescrambledtoanswer.
“Hello?”
“Kiran.”Astatement,notagreeting.
“Howareyou,Ma?”
“Didyoubreakupwithhimyet?”
Kiranhungherheadandwhispered,“Yes.Ibrokeupwithhim.”
“Good,”Masaidwithmoreenergythistime.“Howiswork?”
“Theypromotedme.”
Earlierthatday,shehadreceivedayearlybonusandapromotiontoseniorassociate.Shehadmusteredathank-youandsentthecompulsoryemailstoherbossesaboutherexcitement,butinside,she’dfeltnothing.Alightinsideherhadswitchedoff.
“Verygoodwork.That’swhatwesentyoutotheUnitedStatesfor.We’reproudofyou.”
“Thankyou,”Kiransaidsoftly.“I’mgladImakeyouproud.”
Everydaywhenshewaslittle,she’dhopedtohearthosewordsfromMa—wordsthathadbeendoledouttoKirtionadailybasisandthatKiranfeltshehadtomeasureupto.
“Youdowhenyoulistentous,beta.Iknowitdoesn’tsoundlikeitnow,butweknowwhat’sbestforyou.”
“I’msureyoudo.I’mgoingtogonow,Ma.Payaliscomingover.”
“We’lltalksoon.”
Itwassimplehowquicklyshe’dfallenbackintoherparents’goodgraceswithapromotionandobedience.Butconditionallovewasn’tenoughanymore.Theirrelationshiphadirrevocablychanged
Kiranturnedherphoneoffandsettledinonthecouchagain.Shedidn’twanttobebotheredforalittlewhile.
TheteacupPayalplacedonthetableanhourlaterwasagonginherears.“Howareyou,honey?”
“Okay.”
“Talktome.Youshouldn’tkeepthattypeofacheinside.”
“Haveyoueverfeltmisplaced?Asthoughyou’renotquitedoinganythingtrulyinspiringandyou’regoingthroughthemotions?”
“Yes.Ithinkeveryonehas.”Payalcrossedherlegsonhersectionofthecouchandsettledinwithapillowonherlap.
“That’showIfeel.Iwasinspiredwithhim.Andnow,theworldisdimmer.”
“Youhaveus.Youhaveyourfamily.Youhaveyoureducation.Theworldisbright.Yourfutureisbrilliant.”
“Butthecolorsdon’tseemasbrightastheywere.”
“Yousoundlikepoetry.”
Kiransmiledsadlytoherself.“Youknow…Ithinklovedoesthat.Lifebecomespoetic,andwordsyouneverthoughtyou’dusetodescribesomethingbecometheonlyonesyoucanuse.”
“Preachingtothechoir,aren’tyou?”
“Youcanprobablyunderstandsinceyou’vebeeninlovemorethananyofus.”
“Alltwelvetimeswerebrighterthantheonebeforeit.”Payalgiggled.
Kiranlaughed,andtheeffortittooksoundedlikeacough.
“DoyouknowIhaveaweddingbox?”
“Awhat?”
“Aweddingbox.IfoundjewelryonceinNewJerseythatIfellinlovewithandwantedtowearatmywedding.It’sinthere.Therearemagazinecutoutsfromovertheyears.Colorswatches.Picturesofcelebritiesinlehengas.BollywoodCDsfrommyteenageyearsofsongsIwantedtoplayatmyreception.IhaveanentireboxdedicatedtohowIenvisionedmyfuturehusbandandwhatmylifewouldbe.”Payal’scheekstingedpink,butshesmiledunashamedlyatherconfession.
“Ididn’tknow,”Kiranreplied,surprisedthatherbestfriendheldsentimentalvalueinrelationships.“Ialwaysthoughtyouwereafreebird.”
“Iam.Ilovebeingafreespirit.IlovedoingwhatIwant…butI’vealwayswantedthelovestory.IalwayswantedamanwhowouldtransformthewayIsawtheworld.NotbecauseIneedtobechangedorbecausetheworldneedstobebroughttolife…It’smagicalalready,youknow?Butbecausegoingthroughitwithsomeoneatyoursideissomuchlesslonely.It’slessscarytothinksomeonecouldseeyouatyourdepthsofmiseryandyourheightsofsuccessandloveyouallthesame.Thatkindofbond…thatunbreakablevibe,I’vealwayswantedthat.Ican’tjudgeyouonebitformissingNashorwantinghimbyyoursidewhenyouthinkyou’vefoundsomeonethatmonumental.”
Kiran’seyesfilledwithtearsatPayal’sempathyandattheaccuracyofhersoliloquy.Attheendoftheday,shemissedthefeelingofhavingsomethingofherownthathadpermanencytoit.
“Nowwho’sthepoet?”
“Ahh,well…likeIsaid,lovebringsitoutofyou,Iguess.ButcanItellyousomethingelse,Kiran?”
“Ofcourse.”
“Therearefamilyphotographsinthatbox.Theyaren’tevenmyown!They’reideasandpicturesofweddingsI’vebeentoandthefamiliesinthem.”Shelookeddownatherhands.“Forthelongesttime,Iwasjealousofyou,Sonam,andAkashforhavingamazingrelationshipswithyourfamilies.SometimesIstillam.IspentmoretimelyingonAkash’sandSonam’sfamilies’couchesoverholidaysthanIdidmyownandhadabetterrelationshipwithmyhousemotheratboardingschoolthanwithmybirthmom.Icouldlightmyselfonfireandmyparentswouldn’tnotice,otherthantowonderwhowouldtakeoverthecompany.
“Butyougaveupyourownhappinessforyourfamily,andyourparentswereforcedtogiveuptheirdaughterwhenminewouldhavegivenmeawayforfree.Ican’ttellyouwhatitallmeans,butIcantellyouI’dgiveanythingtohaveparentswholovedmethewayyoursdid.Idon’tdenyhowmuchpainyoufeelbreakingupwithNash…butinatwistedway,thisgirlthinksyou’reluckytohavefamilyyou’dbewillingtoputfirst.”
Kiran’seyeswidened.HerhandwentprotectivelytoPayal’sonthetable,andPayalgaveitasqueeze.Andtheysatinunderstandingsilence.
KiranhadalwaysseenPayalastheantithesisofhowshegrewup—wealthyenoughtotakeislandvacationsandbuyLouboutins,freeenoughtoleaveatrailofbrokenheartsinherwakebecauseshedidn’twanttobetieddown,andeducatedatschoolsKirancouldonlydreamof,fulloflibrariesandbooks.She’dseenglimpsesofPayal’svulnerabilitiesovertheyears—afterall,beingbestfriendshadthateffect.Butshe’dneverrecognizedthedepthsofPayal’swishforafamilywholovedheroralovethatwouldchooseher.She’dalwaysseenherfriendasagirlwhowasblessedinotherregards,neverasthegirlwithahiddenweddingbox.Forasplitsecond,Kiranfeltluckythatshe’dhadbothkindsofloveinsteadofbeingthelittlerichgirlwithnone.
Theperspectivedidn’tgiveherclarity,butitgaveherrespect.TheburninherchestwasquelledasshetooktoheartthesoothingtonePayalusedandthatwhilethischoicewasneverideal,atleastshehadexperiencedenoughlovefromherfamilyandfromNashthatshecouldsayshe’dfalleninloveandbeenlovedgrowingup,evenithadresultedinaheartbreakingbattlebetweenthetwo.
“I’msorryyoudidn’thaveafamilywhoadoredyou,Payal,”Kiranwhispered.
“I’msorryyouhadtochoosebetweenyours,”Payalmurmuredback.“Butwehaveeachother.”
“Always.”
Thatnight,Kirantwistedandturnedinhersheetsuntilshewastangledupsotightly,shecouldn’tbreakfree.Appropriate.Shefoughtagainstthem,breathless,beforefinallynavigatingthroughthefabricbindingherlimbstogetheraspatientlyasshecould.Bythetimeshe’dsetherselffree,shesatinherpajamashorts,wideawake,rakingherfingersthroughherhair.
She’dneverhaveapeacefulrestagain.Everytimeshebegantodozeofforfocus,areminderofNashwouldthrowhersensesintooverdriveagain.Fromtheextremesofpeaceorconcentration,shewouldwobbleoff-kilteruntilshewassureshe’dfallandneverbeabletogetbackup.
Kiranreadjustedhersheetsinthedarkandtriedtofixherdisheveledtanktopbeforegivingupandhunchingoverherfoldedlegs.Shepulledherkneestoherchestandstaredintothenight.
Outsideofherwindow,thewailofsirensservedasadisturbinglullaby.Shecouldhearthedrunkenshoutsofthosewhohadstayedoutuntilthebarsclosedandthelaughteroffriendswhowerehavingafunnightinthecity.ShewonderedifanyonewasattheTopoftheRocktonight,staringdownatherbuilding…iftheyweresendinghopesouttoanyonewhofeltalonetonight.ChapterThirty-Nine
NASH
“Haveyoushoweredinthelastthreedays?”Brandonasked,glancingaroundNash’spigstyofanapartment.
“Yeah.Once.”
“Youreek,man.Youneedtotakeanother.”
Nashbobbedhishead,unsmiling,andBrandon’sjokefellflatonitsface.
“Talktome.What’sgoingon?”
“Well,youknow,mydeadbeatdad’sletterbroughtbackallthetraumaIthoughtIdealtwith,Igotmyassdumped,andthenIgotsuspendedfromworkforyellingatamotherwhoisarecoveringaddict.”
Brandon’seyeswidenedatthelatestaddition.
Nashwasconvincedthey’drollrightoutofhishead.
“Um…well,Ididn’tseethesuspensioncoming.”
Nashgaveahalf-heartedchuckle.“Yup.Meeither.”
“WhatdoesKatehavetosay?”
“Nothing.She’scalledafewtimesandaskedmetocallback,butIhaven’tbeeninthemood.”
BrandonfloppedonNash’scouch,pullingapairofjeansoutfromunderneathhim.“Thisisgross.Cleanup.”
“Youdrankyourownpeeatbandcampinseventhgrade.”
“Yeah.Seventhgrade.Onadare.We’rethirty.Thisisreallife.Getagripandtellmewhereyourheadisat.”
Nashsighedandbeganhistale.HementionedhowKirk’sletterhadremainedonhismindsincethey’dlastspoken,poisoningeverythingandmakingtheworldfeellessbright—ormaybethatwasjustthebreakupwithKiranmakingNashthinkhe’dneverfeelhopeagain.HerecountedthehorriblewayheblewuponTrent’smomandhowDr.Brighamhadbeenmoreunderstandingthanheshouldhave.HetoldBrandonhefeltlikehe’dfailed.
“Tobefair,havingyourgirlfrienddumpyouandyourdeadbeatdadshowupafteryearsofabandonment…youwerekindofapressurecookerwaitingtoexplode.”
“Well,Iexploded.I’veneverlostmytemperonapatientinmylife.I’vehadpsychiatricpatientsattackmeandstillremainedcalm…andthismotherwhohappenstobeanaddicttellsme,tonosurprise,thatshewantsahit,andIlosemymind.You’dthinkIwasarookiepersonoffthestreetwhodidn’tknowsheisfightingabattleandhappenstobestruggling.Iwasanass.”
“Youwereanass,”Brandonagreed.“Butasyourbestfriend,I’mqualifiedtotellyouthatwhileyourreactionwasn’tjustified,yourfeelingswere.”
“Idon’tevenknowwhattodo.”Nashstaredathishands.
BrandonpoppedhislegsuponNash’scoffeetable.“Youmeetyourdad.”
“I’msorry…What?”
“Rightnow,that’stheeventthathadthelongestimpactonyou.Closethechapter.Whetherthatmeansshuttingdownyourresentmentorneverspeakingtohimagain,handlethatfirst.”
Itwassurprisinglysoundadvice.
“AndwhataboutKiran?”
“I’vebeengivingthisalotofthoughtsincewelastspoke.Ididn’tknowwhattosayatfirst.Itmadenosensetome,ifI’mhonest,butIwasplayingdevil’sadvocate.Italsosoundsmorecomplicatedthanwe’lleverunderstand.It’sfuckedupthatshehastochoose.It’samentalitywewon’tunderstand,becausewegrewupinadifferentcountry.Wecouldgothereamilliontimes,andwestillwouldn’tknowfirsthand.Butifshe’sworthittoyou,thenyouneedtofightforheranddealwiththefactthatherparentswillprobablyhateyoursorry,white,suspendedassuntilyouproveyourselfsomehow.Andeventhen,theymaynotlikeyou.”
“That’s…notcomfortingatall,”Nashgroaned.
“Nash,buddy,I’mtryingtotellitlikeitis.Youloveher?Dowhatittakestosupporther.Iknowit’shard,butimaginewhatit’slikeforher.IfIhadtochoosebetweenTashaandmyparents,Idon’tknowwhatI’ddo,anditwouldbeacrummyplacetobe.Kiran’sprobablyasconfusedasyouare,sodon’tmakeanyhastydecisions.Seewhatyoucanworkout.”
“Andwhataboutwork?”Nashthrewhishandsup.
“You’resuspendedforaweektotendays,right?”
“Yeah.UntilIcancomebackinwithoutmyheadfirmlyupmyass.”
“Ten-dayvacationthen.”Brandonshrugged.“Likeyourmentorsaid…youreevaluate.Inthemeantime,fixyoursitchwithyourdadandKiran.Ithinkthat’sprobablytherootofallevilanyway.”
“Hewrotehisemailaddressonthebottomoftheletter.Phonenumbertoo.”
“Thenshoothimatext.Tellhimtomeetyouforcoffee.Figureyourshitout.Thentackletherestofyourlifeaccordingly.Doitnow,beforeyouchangeyourmind.”
Nashstaredathisbestfriend.Thenhegotup,fishedthroughthetrashfortheletter,andpulleditout.
“Youreallycouldn’thavewrittenthenumberdownbeforedrowningyourselfingarbage?”Brandonaskedsarcastically.
“Screwoff,dude.”
Hi,Kirk.It’sNash.Canyoumeetmeforcoffeetomorrowat2p.m.?ThereshouldbeafewtrainsfromPhiladelphiainthemorning.GregorysnearSixty-NinthandFirst.
“How’dyougetsowiseanyway?I’musuallytheonetellingyouwhattodo.”
BrandonshruggedagainandthenofferedNashagrin.“Ilearnedfromthebest.”
Thephonebuzzed.
Kirk:Goodtohearfromyou,Son.I’llseeyoutomorrow.ChapterForty
KIRAN
Assheapproachedherofficedoorafteranearly-morningmeeting,thereceptionistforthefloor—“Farrahwiththefabhair,”Kiranusedtorememberherby—calledouttoher.
“Kiran,yourcellphonehasbeenonyourdesk,andIcanhearitfromhere!It’sbeenbuzzingnonstop.”
“I’msorry,Farrah,”Kirananswered,puzzled.“I’llcheckthatnow.”
Shetookquickstepstoherdeskanddidn’tbothersittingdown.Reachingoveraneatlystackedpileofbooksandherlaptop,shegrabbedthebuzzingcell.
TwelvemissedcallsfromMa.
ThreefromSonam.
TwofromPayal.
FivefromAkash.
Twelvevoicemails.
Shedidn’twanttohearwhateverbadnewswascomingfromavoicemail,andsheignoredthemasshecalledMaback.Thephonerangonce,thatawkwardringthatonlyinternationalcallsmade,beforeMa’shystericalvoicecriedthroughthelineinHindisofast,evenKirancouldn’tkeepup.
“Kiran,tumharibaba…Baba.Baba.”
Kiran’sstomachdroppedeverystoryinthebuildingeachtimehermotherrepeatedBaba’sname.
“Ma.”Hervoicecracked.“WhathappenedtoBaba?”
Shetriedtosteelherselffortheworstnewsshecould.Herknucklesturnedwhite,grippingthedeskwithhereyesclenchedshutagainsttheblow.Shestoppedbreathing,asthoughherheartwouldn’tbeatorreactifthatvitalcomponentoflifewasmissing.
“Babahadaheartattack.Heisin…He’s…ICU.”Ma’stearsspilledthroughthespeaker.
“Tellhimtohangon.I’llbeonthenextflight.”
Whileallotherthreadsseemedfrayedatthemoment,thiswasapromisesheintendedtokeep.
Thefollowinghourswereablur.
ShevaguelyrememberedtellinghersuperiorsthatshehadtogobacktoIndiaforherfather’shospitalization.Theyhadagreedwholeheartedlyandofferedtheirbestwishes.She’donlytakenasickdaywhenshehadpneumonia.Inherperipheralconscience,sheregisteredtheirsadandreassuringsmiles.She’dthankedthem,flat-toned…thankedthemforbestwishesthatherfatherwouldn’tdie,asthoughshewereacknowledgingsomethingasmundaneasthefactthatitwasaTuesdayorthattheskywasblue.Itwassostrangehowcrisespropelledcalm,thattheeyeofahurricanecouldevenexistamidastorm.
Thenshe’dcalledSonam,Akash,andPayal,whohadreceivedhystericalphonecallsoftheirownfromMa,astheyweretheclosestpeopletoKiranthatMaknewandhadcontactinformationfor.
“Doyouneedmetocomewithyou?”Sonamhadasked.
“You’readoctor,Sonam.YouandIbothwellknowyoudon’tgettimeoff.”Kiranstaredathercloset.Allthedressshirts,dresses,blazers,andT-shirtsoverwhelmedher.Whoevenneedsthismanyclothes?shethoughttoherselfinpassingassheselectedsomecottonT-shirtsthatwouldallowhertobeattheheat.Yougrewupwithfouroutfits.
“I’llfindaway.Icantaketimeoffforafamilyemergencyorfigureoutaway—”
“Iloveyou,butwebothknowit’snotgoingtohappen,”Kiranresponded,looselyhangingontoatunicinherhands.“AndIneedtodothisonmyown.”
Payal’ssentimentsweresimilar.
“Areyousureyoudon’tneedmetocomewithyou?”
“Payal,youwouldn’tsurvive,andyou’dhavenoideawhattodo.Youhaven’tbeentoIndiainyourlife.Butthethoughtissoappreciated,andIloveyouforit.”
Akash’stoo.
“You’relikemysister.Icancome.Iinsist.”
“Akash,it’llbeokay.Ihavetoseethemonmyown.Youdon’twanttobeapartofthemushroomcloudthatisabouttoexplode.Please.”
“Okay,”hesaidsoothingly.“Buttextmeonceyouland.”
Kiransmiled—oneofheronlyexpressionsinthelastfewhours.Shetossedthefinalpairsofunderwearandbrasinhersuitcase.
ShehardlyrememberedthedrivetoJFKairport.Shewasn’tsureifshethankedtheUberdriverasshehauledhercarry-onoutofthetrunkandbeelinedfortheticketcounter.Evenhercheck-inandsecuritywereforgettable,unusualsinceshewasbrownandforeign,asourceofstressforherwhensheflew.
Itwasn’tuntilshewasgrippingthearmrestsofherseatastheplanetaxieddowntherunwaythatsherecognizedwhatshewasdoing.Suddenly,thebagatherfeetfeltlikeitwasgrowing—thepassportwiththeemblazonedgoldLionCapitalofAshokapushedagainsthercalf,burninghotteragainstherskinasiftoremindherwhereshewasgoingandwhereshecamefrom.
Theplaneroseabovetheclouds,flyingnorthtoCanadabeforemakingitssweepacrosstheAtlantic.Kiranhatedflying,butshelovedthispartwhenshegottolookdownbelow.Shewasluckyshehadawindowseat.
Lucky.
Howcouldsheevenusethatwordrightnow?Shewasonherwayhomeafterfindingoutherfatherhadalmostdied.Hewassoclosetothebrinkofdeaththatshedidn’tknowwhatnewswouldgreetherwhenshelanded…whethershestillhadafatherorwhethershewouldhavetowatchamalecousinperformhisfinalrites.
No,shetoldherself.Don’tthinklikethat.You’renotlucky,butyou’regoingtocountthegoodthings.
Andso,shebeganthefourteen-hourflight,countingallthegoodthingsthathadhappenedthatday.
Shehadmanagedtogetonaflight.Shegotawindowseat.Thesecuritylinewasn’tterrible.TheTSAagentwasfriendly.EverymemberoftheCMCofferedtocometoIndiawithher.
Butshedidn’thaveNash.
Thoughshehadthesupportofherofficemates.Shewasallowedtoleaveimmediately.Theywishedherthebest.
ShemanagedtogetanUberwithatwo-minutewaittime.Thedriverplayedmusicfromanappthathadnocommercials.Shedidn’tsmellthesewageonthetinystripneartheairportthatalwaysreekedofwaste.
Everytimethesolitarylittlevoiceshoutedinthebackofhermindthatitwasacrisissituation,thatBabacoulddie,orthatshehadnoone,shegraspedontoathinstringofhopeandtheseeminglystupidestoptimisticpieceofherdayshecouldfind.Whensheranoutofpositivethingsfortoday,shewentbacktoyesterday.
Asthecabingrewdimandherpositivityexerciseexhaustedhermind,shefellintoashakysleep.
Whenshewoke,shedidn’tknowwhereshewas.Thehumoftheflightandthesnoringofthepassengernexttoherdisorientedher.Planesalwayssmelledaparticularwaytoher,thesamewayhospitalsdid.
Hospitals.
Itwasthatwordthatcausedherstomachtolurchandforcedup,likebile,thereasonshewasonaplane.
Shebentforward,restingherhandsontheseatinfrontofherandsteadyingherbreathing.
Babacoulddie.Andhislastwordstoyouwerethatyouweredeadtohim.
Kiranchokedbackadrysob.Thinkaboutsomethinghappy,shepleadedwithherself,buttheonethingthatplanesdidn’tcarrywastheabilitytostopthinking—andnighttimewasalwaystheworstforthat,despitewhereshewas.Evenwhenshewasthirtythousandfeetabovetheground,itdidn’tmatter.Darknesssurroundedtheplaneandpervadedherthoughtslikesmoke.
Babahadfoughttoothandnailtoprovideahometohisfamily.Shecouldrememberthewayhisreputationforhonestyprecededhimthesecondshementionedhernametoanyoneintown.
DespitetherumorsandgossipthathadspreadthroughthevillageuponKirti’swedding,Babawassomehowsparedthecriticism.Mahadbornethebruntofit.Probablybecauseshewasfemaleandhomewiththechildren,Kiranrealizednow,butshecouldn’thelpbutthinkBaba’scharacterwasatalisman.Theyviewedhimwithpityratherthanjudgment
Andnow,ifhediedwithtwodishonorabledaughters,hisentirelegacywouldn’tmatter.Hisgoodnesswouldn’tmatter.Hewouldn’tmatterbecausehewouldhaveseenhimselfasafailure.
Thestingoftearsthreatenedhereyes,butshewasn’tgoingtocry.Shehadtofacethisbravely.Asfarassheknew,hehadn’tlefttheearthyet,anduntilthatmomentcame,shewouldfightlikehelltobringherfamilybacktogether.Shewouldn’tbetheonetodestroyit.
Instead,Kiranjoinedherhandsinprayerandrestedherforeheadonherthumbs,silentlybeggingthegodsthatshewasflyingnearertonow.Perhapsthegeographywouldmakethemhearherlouder
IfyouletBabasurvive,Iwillbringourfamilytogetheragain.Please.Don’ttakehimawayfromus.
Sheinhaled,ferventlyholdingherwishinsidebeforeblowingitout.Goingbacktothebeginningoftheyearandtickingoffallthegoodthingsthathappenedtoher,sheglancedatherwatch.Shehadfivehoursleft.ChapterForty-One
NASH
Nashtappedhisfootunderneaththetable.
Hewasmanythings,butindecisivewasn’toneofthem.Yethismindswungbackandforthlikeapendulumashesatinthecafé.
Onesecond,hewantedtostay,meethisdad,andknowwhathewasmissing…andthenextsecond,heberatedhimselfforthinkingonecoffeecouldmakeupfortwenty-fiveyearsofbeinggoneandwonderedwhyheevenbothered.
Morbidcuriosityfilledhim.Didhelookmorelikehisfatherorhismotheroractmorelikeoneofthem?MomsaidhewasquietsometimeslikeKirk.Butwhatabouteverythingelse?
Humanshadafight-or-flightresponsewhenthreatsapproached.Hecouldrunnow,orhecouldstayandfight.
Butthetruthwas,hedidn’tknowifhewantedtodoeitherone.Runningwouldcontinueatrendwhereheshutouthispastandcontinuedtomoveforwardwithhiscareer,neverreallydealingwithit—likethedamagethatcouldbedonetotendonsandneverfullyhealuntilitcausedpainandhurtyearslater.
Butifhestayedandfought,he’dopenhimselfuptomoreinjury.HisoldwoundswouldbetornopenandlefttobleedwhenKirkinevitablyleftagain,andinhisweakenedstatewithoutKiranandunderthepressuresofdealingwithpsychpatients,hewasn’tinthepositiontorepairthedamage.
Nashgavehisheadalittleshaketoclearthedeafeningthoughts.
Brandonhadbeenright.Thishadthrownhimoffbalancecompletely.
Nashglancedatthedoorandfroze.
Aman,noolderthanhislateforties,steppedintothecafé.Hewaswearingapairofjeans,wornbutnottattered,andagreen-and-black-plaidshirtrolledupatthecuffs.HehadhairexactlythesameshadeofNash’s—dirtyblondsprinkledwithbrighterstrands.HehadhazeleyesunderabushofeyebrowsthatremindedNashofthecaterpillar-likebushesonhisownface.Theyhadthesamecheekbones,andKirk’ssmilelineswereinthesameplaceasNash’s,withaddedwrinklesaroundhisforehead.Hecouldtelltheywerethesameheight,evenfromhisseatedplaceinthecorner.
Kirk’sgazefellonNashalmostimmediately,andhestoppedinthemiddleofthecafé.
Asthetwomenlockedeyesforthefirsttimeintwenty-fiveyears,Nashfinallyknewwherehe’dgottensomeofhisfeatures.
Kirkslowlywalkedtowardhim,andNashgotup,unsurewhatelsetodo.
Theycametoastopthreefeetfromeachotherandpaused,bothuncertainaboutwhethertohug.
ItwasKirkwhoputahandforwardfirst.“Hello,Son.”
Nashglanceddownatthepeaceoffering.“Hi…Kirk.”
“Doyoucometothisplaceoften?”Kirk’seyesrestedontheindustrialdecor,afarcryfromthesecondhandcoffeemakerthey’dhadwhenNashwasgrowingup.
“Everymorningonmywaytowork,”Nashsaid.“Butthecoffeestanddownthestreetisbetter,tobehonest.”
“Mmm,”Kirkhummedlikeanacknowledgment.“Youlookgood,Son.”
Son.He’dsaidittwicenow.ButNashdidn’tfeelanythingattachedtotheword.Therewasnolong-lostfeelingoffondnessorbelongingthatsuddenlycameuponhiminarevelatorywave.Instead,hestaredathisfatherforafewsecondsinsilence.
“Well,nowIknowwhereIgotmyhairfrom.”
“Yourmotherwasblondtoo,”Kirksaidwithasmile.
“Iremember.”
Theystoodinlineinsilence.NashcouldfeelKirk’seyesonhim,scanninghisface,maybeevenholdingouthopethatthey’dleavethiscoffeeshopaspals.
Nashshovedhishandsinhispockets.
“WhatcanIgetyou,sir?”themanbehindthecounteraskedbothmen.
“Ablackcoffee,”Kirkanswered.
TheserverandKirklookedatNash.
“Oh,uh…achai,”Nashsaid.
Hepulledouthiswallet,butKirkbeathimtoit.
“Igotit,Son.”
Nashgaveatersenod.
“So,chai,huh?Whathappenedtogoodold-fashionedcoffee?”Kirkasked.
BetweenKirk’sgazeandhissmile,Nashcouldn’ttellifhewasbeingteasedorifitwasagenuinequestion.“Ihavea…friend.She’sIndian.Shegotmeintoit.”
“Indian,huh?Doesshewearsarisandgoonaboutcowsbeingsacred?”
Judgingbyhisnervouslaugh,KirkmayhavebeentryingtofilltheairwithsomethingotherthanthefrostinessNashleftbehind…butNashbristled,angerandannoyancesurginginhim.
“Don’tdothat.You’reonlygoingtolooklikeafoolwhenyoutalkaboutthingsyouclearlydon’tknowathingabout.”
Kirk’sfacefell.“Justtryingtomakeajoke,Son.”
“Hercultureisn’tapunchline.”
Theystoodinsilence,waitinguntiltheirdrinksweredeliveredtotheendofthebar.
“Doyou…doyouwanttositdown?”Kirkasked.
Notreally,Nashwantedtosay,butinstead,hereplied,“Sure.”
Theysatacrossfromeachother.Kirkhunchedoverthetable,hiselbowsrestingonthewood.Nash’shandsfoundtheirwaytohispocketsagain,whereheplayedwithhiskeys.
Awkwardnessfilledtheair.NashhadnoideaifKirkknewMomwasdead.Hedidn’tknowanything,infact,andsuddenly,meetingfeltlikeamistake.
“Whydidyou—”
“So,listen,Son—”
Theyspokeatthesametime,andNashlookedaway,embarrassed.KirkgesturedforNashtogoahead.
“Let’sjustcuttoit.Whydidyouwrite?”
“Iwasdiagnosedwithcancerlastyear,”Kirkstarted.“Andchemowashell.Ilostmyhair,rightdowntomyeyebrows.Andwhenyou’rewatchin’yourlifeflashbyandyou’reconvincedyou’regonnadiehookeduptomachines,youbegintothinkaboutwhatyou’vedoneinyourlifetime.”
Nashwatchedhisdad.Hisfather’svoicewasasdeepastheflashesofmemoryNashhadfromhischildhood.
“Anyway,Iwassittin’withmychemodrip,twodivorcesundermybelt,notevenfiftyyet…Ibegantothinkaboutmybiggestregrets.AndIkeptthinkin’abouthowIleftyouandyourmamabehind.”
“Sothisisyouatoningforitbecauseyoudidn’tdie?”Nash’swordswereedgedwithglass.
“No.Thisismewantin’tosayI’msorryIleft.IwishIcouldtakeitback.”
“Youcan’t,”Nashsaidroughly.“You’vebeengonetwenty-fiveyears,andI’msupposedtosayit’sokaynowbecauseyou’vemagicallyseenthelightandwanttomakeamends?”
“Youdon’thavetosayit’sokay,Son.GodknowsI’llneverforgivemyself.Iwantedtoseeyourface,Iguess,andtellyoulikeamanthatI’mtruly,fromthebottomofmyheart,sorrythatIdidn’tseeyougrowup.”
Nashwantedtofirebackthatthemanlythingwouldhavebeentostickaroundandraisehischild.Butashegazedathisdad,olderandapologetic,hefoundhimselfaskinganotherquestionwithlessanimosity.
“Howdidyoufindme?”
“Well,Facebookandtheinternetarehelpfulsometimes.”Kirkshruggedwithachuckle.“AndthenItrackeddownyourauntKate.”
“YouspoketoKate?”Nashaskedinsurprise.
“Onlylastweek,afterIhadn’theardfromyou.She’sstillaspitfire,thatone.Gavemeanearfulbeforeshetoldmeshe’dlistentowhateverIhadtosay.Iwasthankfulforthat.”
Kate’smissedphonecallsandrequeststocallhersuddenlymadesensetoNash.“Yeah,thatsoundslikeAuntKateallright.”
“I’msorryyouhadtofaceyourmom’spassin’andheraddictionbyyourself.”
“Yeah,well,it’snotlikeyouwerearound.Ididn’thaveachoice.”Nashtriednottosoundbitter,butlong-buriedemotionswerediggingoutoftheirgravesandrisingtothesurface.
“Youshouldn’thavehadtogothroughitwithoutafather.”
“Whydidyouleave?Imean,evenifyouwereunhappy,didn’tyoueverthinkaboutadivorceoranyotheroptionotherthanleavingyourfive-year-oldsonbehindwithanalcoholic?Doyouknowhowmanythingsyoumissed?”Nashhissed.
Kirk’seyesdrooped,andhelookedatthetable,shamefaced.“IwishIhadareasonotherthanbeingyoungandstupid,butthat’sallitwas.Iwashotheaded.Igrabbedmystuffandleftandstarteddriving.Ididn’trealizeuntilI’dreachedOhiowhatI’ddone,andbythen,Ithoughtthedamagewasdone.YourmamaandIwerefightin’,andIdidn’twanttofacethat.Eventuallywhenshesignedthedivorcepaperswithoutafight,Ifiguredsheneverwantedmebackanywayandshewasgladtoseemybackside.”
“Iwouldneverdowhatyoudid,”Nashstatedfuriously.
“You’reabettermanthanIam,Nash.Byallaccounts…Apsychologist.Amanwhodidn’tgodownthesamepathsasyourmamaandIdid.Ican’teverpictureyoudoingtoyourkidswhatIdidtoyou.”
Atthementionofkids,NashthoughtofKiranandhowhehadimaginedtheirchildrenrunningaroundalargebackyard.
“YoulooklikeIslappedyouwithasausage,Son.Spititout.”KirkwaitedexpectantlyforNash’soutburst.
Nashshookhishead.“It’snothing.Alotonmymind.”
“Katetoldmeyouweredatin’anewgirl.How’sthatbeengoing?”
ThedisbeliefwashedoverNash.Washereallyabouttotalktohisdadaboutgirlproblems?Thesamedadwhohewasmeetingforthefirsttimesincehewasachild?
Nashshrugged.“Webrokeup.”
“Didyouloveher?”Kirkasked,andtheearnestnessinhiseyesstruckNash.
“Itdoesn’tmatter,”hemuttered.
“Ireallydidloveyourmom,butIgaveuponhertoofast…AndmaybeifIhadn’t,ifI’dhunginthereandinsistedweworkitout,wewouldhavegottentobeafamily.”
“Butwedidn’t,Kirk,”Nashsnappedatthewordfamily.“Doyouknowwhomyfamilywas?AuntKate.Brandon.Andlately,Kiran.Itneverincludedyou.Hell,itjustbarelyinvolvedMom.I’vehadtofendformyselfalltheseyears,andnowyou’reback,onyourowntime,likeit’snotgoingtofuckmeupalloveragain.Sodon’ttalktomeaboutwhatafamilyissupposedtobelikeandallwecouldhavebeen,becauseanythingIlearnedaboutthatconceptsureashelldidn’tcomefromthetwoofyou.”
Thewordswereoutthere.Nashgruntedslightlyattheeffortittooktounleashtheangerhe’dkeptdeepinside,lockedawayinhisheart,forthebetterpartofhislife.Heswallowedhard,alumpforminginhisthroat,andthoughthe’dchokeontheHerculeantaskitbecame.
Herubbedhiseyesfuriously,asifheweretryingtowipeawaythestinginginthem.
Kirk’seyestoowerered-rimmedashetookinthemagnitudeofhurthe’dcausedhisson.
“IwishIcouldshowyouhowsorryIam,”hewhispered.
“Youcan’t,”Nashsaidsimply.
Allhewantedwastogetoutofthere.Suddenly,everypieceofhim,allthewaydowntohissoul,wasexhausted.Hestood.
“Ishouldgo,Kirk.”
Ashesteppedtowardthedoor,KirkgrabbedNash’swristgently.Nashgrewawarehowsofthisgraspwas,nothinglikethestrongmechanicthatMomhaddescribed.
“Thankyouforcomin’today,Son.IknowIhaven’tbeenthereforyou…butIhopeIcanbewhenyou’reready.Iloveyou,andtherehasn’tbeenadayIdidn’tthinkaboutyou.”
ThosewerewordsthatNashhadwantedmorethananythingwhenhe’dbeenwaitingbythedoorforhisdadtocomehome.Butnow…now,hewasn’tsureiftheymeantanythingatall.ChapterForty-Two
KIRAN
WhenshelandedinDelhi,itwasasthoughthetenyearsoflivingabroadhadneverhappened.ShethrewelbowslikeshewasaWWEwrestlerinlineatatemplewiththousandsshovingforapilgrimageandmadeittothefrontoftheplanewithherhandbagonhershoulderbeforemostoftheothercoachpassengers.
Thedoorsopenedtothejetbridge,andawallofsmellshither.Kirancomparedthescenttoacombinationofweed,dust,andincense,acomparisonthatNashhadlaughedatbutthatKiranstillfoundtobetrue.Itwashome.
ShemovedthroughtheDelhiairport,renovatedsincethelasttimeshe’dcomebacktoIndiawithmarblefloorsandamoresophisticatedtouchthanthedevelopingcountrythenewsdepictedIndiaas.Sheknewtoqueueupquicklyforcustomssoshecouldbeattherush,andshewassuccessfulinreachingacounter
“Name?”
“KiranMathur.”
“Purposeofyourvisit?”
Myfatherhadaheartattack.Thewordsgotstuckinherthroat.“Familyemergency,”shecroakedout.
“Whoareyoustayingwith?”
“Family.Myparents.”Shedidn’tknowifshe’devenbewelcomeathome,butshetookawildguessandhopeditwasthecase.
ShetextedtheCMCtoletthemknowshe’dlandedandwouldcallthemwhenshefoundoutthefullstory.Onceshewasthroughthedoors,shescannedthecrowdgatheredatthemetalbarriersoutside.Hermama,Ma’syoungerbrother,waitedinasimplewhitekurtaandjeans.Kiranwavedandwalkedtowardhimwithbatedbreath.
Whitewasthecolorofmourning.
ItwasalsothecolorRakeshMamaworeallthetime.
“Kiran,beta,welcomehome.”Hepattedhershoulder.
“IsBaba…Didhe…Ishe…”Kirancouldn’tbeartouttertheworddeadandBabainthesamesentence.
“No,”hesaidreassuringly.“HeisstillinICU,andtherehasbeennochange.”
Kiranbreathedarelievedsigh,andherheaddropped.
RakeshMamapulledherinforahugandkissedherforehead.“Let’sgo.Wehavealittledrive.Isthisallyoupacked?”
“Idon’tneedmuchtosurvive.”
“Mydarling,yourmindalwaysgotyouwhereyouneededtogo.”Hekissedherforeheadagain.
Ittookthemanhourandahalftodrivefromtheairporttothehospital,duringwhichtimeKirantriedtodescribeNewYorkCity,herfriends,andherworktoRakeshMama,whowasafarmer.He’donlycometoDelhiwhenheheardaboutBaba.Heaskedquestionsabouttheefficiencyofmachineshewantedtobuy,howtoimproveupontheoldrustedtractorhepilotedaroundhisfieldsbackinRamnagar,andwhethertherewasawaytoeconomicallychangetheirirrigationsystem—questionsthatKiransuspectedheknewtheanswersto,butasheruncle,hewantedtodistractherfromtheheavyatmospherethatwouldotherwiseoccupytheseatsoftheoldMaruti500hedrove.
KiranwonderedifRakeshMamaknewallthathadtranspiredbetweenherandherparentsbeforethisvisit.ShewishedshecouldaskaboutwhethertheextendedfamilyknewabouttheturmoilwithKirtibeforeMaandBabahadagreedtoherweddingorwhetheritwasasurprisetoheruncles,aunts,andcousinsthatKirtiwassuddenlygettingmarried.Rumorsalwaysspreadbetweenfamiliesaseasilyastheydidthroughthecommunity—butMaandBabacouldbetight-lippedwhentheywantedtobe.Afterall,itwasnotlikeKiranknewthespecificdetailsabouttheeventsleadinguptoKirti’sweddingevennow,andtheyweresisters.
“HowisMa,RakeshMama?”Kirantoyedwiththehemlineonhershirt,tryingtoohardtobenonchalant.
“Yourmais…handlingyourbabaaswellasshecan.Theyhavebeenmarriedalongtime.Heishersupporthere.Butthey’llmakeit.HavefaithinGodthatyourbabawillbeokayandyourmawillbefinetoo.”
Whiletheanswerwassweetandthoughtful,itwasn’tindicativeoftheenvironmentshewouldbewalkinginto…butKirandidn’twanttofocusonNashatatimelikethiseither.Baba’shealthwaspriority.Reunitingherfamilywasofutmostimportance.Ma’swell-beingwascritical.Nothingelsemattered.
“Wouldyouliketogohomebeforeyougotothehospital?Havesomechai.Washyourface.”
“Why,doyouthinkI’msmelly?”
“Ifyouare,you’llfitrightintoIndia,NewYorkgirl!”
“Let’sgotothehospital.Ineedtoseemyparents.”
KiranhadvisitedhospitalsintheUnitedStatesbefore.She’dgoneforroutinebloodtestsandspentanightnexttoPayalduringtheirjunioryearwhenshedranktoomuchonhertwenty-firstbirthday.She’dcaredforAkashwhenhisappendixrupturedduringtheirfirstyearinNewYorkCity.
Butnothingevercomparedtoahospitalwhereyourparentwasapatient.
WhenAkash’sappendixhadruptured,Kiranhadwhollytrustedthedoctorsandnurseswhowanderedinatallhourstodrawhisblood,askhowhewasdoing,andcheckonhisincision.Shebelievedinhisabilitytogetbetterbecauseheraneveryday,thiswasthefirsttimehe’dhadahealthissueinallthetimeshe’dknownhim,andhewasatoneofthebesthospitalsinthecity.Shewatchedinadmirationasnurseswashedtheirhandsbeforetheytouchedhimanddoctorstookcopiousnotesastheyspoketohim,puttingeverythinghesaidontherecordandwritingtheirthoughtstheretoo.
ButhospitalsinIndiawereanotherworldentirely.Dr.RamManoharLohiaHospitalwasfilledwiththoseseekingcare.Thedisparitybetweenthepoorandthosewhocouldaffordsurgeries,X-rays,andbloodtestswasastarkreminderofwhyKiranhadpaidforherparentstomovetoDelhifromRamnagar.Whilethewealthyhadroomswithbedsthatwere,atminimum,takencareof,manyofthewalk-inswereliterallyoffthestreet.Theywaitedtobeseen,withdirtyclothscoveringtheircough-filledmouthsandanunwashedstenchfillingthehalls.Kirandiscreetlytriedtocoverherfacetoprotectherselffromthesicksmellbutselfishlytoshieldherselffromwhateverdiseaseswerebeingcarried.Herheartbrokeatthelivessheknewsomeofthesehumanbeingslivedinhutsandsewage-filledslums,buteveninthehourortwoshe’dbeenbackinthemotherland,shefelther“survivalofthefittest”mentalityrollingback.
AllshewantedtodowasseeBabaandmakesurehehadagoodbedandqualitycare.Afterall,whatwasthepointifshewasunabletoprovideforthemafterbeingapart?UnlikeAkash,Babawasn’tyoungandvitalanymore.Hedidn’ttakecareofhishealthwithasmanyyearlycheckups,andhedidn’tgetbloodworkoftenenough.Hewouldn’tknowifhishearthadablockfromastresstest.Instead,hisversionoffeelingwellentailedremainingsomewhatactive,givingupeatinghisdailypaanbecauseMahatedthewaythebetelnutsstainedthesidewalkoutsidetheirhomewhenhespitthemout,andnotsmoking.
RakeshMamaledKirandownahallwaywithcementfloors.Yellowplasterdeckedthewalls.Nurseswalkedbyinwhitedresseswithwhitehats,remindingKiranofmovieslikePearlHarbor.Heguidedhertoaroomwithsevenbeds,allsplitwithenoughspacebetweenthemtoaccommodatethemanyfamilymembersaccompanyingeachpatient,butacrowdedroomonabusydaynonetheless.Kiran’seyesfranticallyjumpedfrombedtobedforBaba’sface,buttheypassedthroughtheroomanddownanotherhallway.
AsetofdoorsopenedtotheICU,whereeachpatientsharedaroomwithjustoneanotherperson—notahugechangefromthelifeshe’dgrownaccustomedtointheWest.
ShefrozeatthedoorwayasRakeshMamasteppedintotheroom,bracingherself
Babawasonthebedontheopposingsideoftheroom,judgingbywhereRakeshMamawent,curtainsdrawnaroundbothbeds.Shesmellediodine,bleach,thesaltytangofblood,andsourness.Steelingherwillandcementingherinsidessotheywouldn’treactwithfear,shefollowed.
MawassittinginvigilnexttoBaba,herhandonhis.
KiranbarelyrecognizedBaba.Themanwhohadtossedherintotheairasachildandcaughtherwithgleeandonlyboughtthefreshestofflowersforthemandirwaslyingproneonhisback,hiseyesclosed.Hewasweakerthansherememberedasmoreskinhungoffhisforearmsandhisfacecastasallowtinge.Hisheadleanedbackagainstapillow,wiresrantonumerousmonitors,andtubespumpedGodknewwhatintohisbody.
Mawipedatearonherpalluandrosestiffly.Shehunchedalittlebitwhenshewalkednow,Kirannoted.Shetriedtosmileattheunfortunatecircumstancestheyweremeetingunder,tryingnottowonderwhyittookhersolongtovisitagain.
“Kiran,”Mamanagedastearsstreameddownherface.“Iamgladyou’rehere.”
Kiranpulledhermomintoahug.Shecouldn’tbelieveasMacameclosethatshehadbetrayedtheirrelationshipwithNash—thesewereherparents
“It’llbeokay,Ma.I’mhere.”
Mapulledaway,moresuddenlythanKiranhopedshewould,andclearedherthroat.“Thedoctorssayheneedsaprocedure,buttheywantedtowait.Idon’tknowwhy.Somethingaboutseeingwhereheisintwenty-fourhoursfromtheheartattack.Theyputinsome…lines…Idon’tknow.”
TheEnglishtoHindihadn’ttranslated.EventheHindihadn’tproperlyconveyedwhatwasneededforBaba’slife.Mahadnoideawhatwasgoingon,whetherherhusbandwouldmakeitornot,becauseshecouldn’tevenunderstandthedoctorswhoattemptedtoexplainallofit.ThelackofunderstandingunleashedbothfuryandheartbreakinKiran’sheart.
“I’mgoingtotalktothedoctors.”
Shesteppedoutsidetheroom,keentofindahospitalworkertoreamout.
Thelogicbehindthepersonnel’sdecisiontokeepBabainaroomwithotherpatientsblewhermind.
“Ifhe’sunderintensivecare,whyishesharingaroom?Whathappenedtoprivacy?”
“Ma’am,yourfatherhadamassiveheartattack,andweneededtostabilizehim,”thecustomerservicerepsaid,notmeetinghereye.“However,ifyouwouldlike—”
“Howmuchwillitcost?”Kirangotdirectlytothepoint.
“Icanprintareceiptforyou.”
Kiranglancedatthefigure—farbeyondwhatBabamadebutwithinreasonforhertocover.
“Gethimanindividualroom.Noexpensesparedonhistreatment.Alldecisionsarerunbyme.Doyouunderstand?”shesaidwithsomuchforce,aboardroomwouldhavequaked.
Theworkerlookedasthoughhewouldpeehimself.“Yes,ma’am.”
“Now…aboutthatsingleroom…”Shepulledoutherwallet.
Anhourlater,Baba,withallofhistubesandmonitors,wassetupinasingleroom.Hewokeuponce,briefly,andhedidn’tappeartobethereatall.Hisgazetraveledaroundtheroom,barelyrestingonMaorKiran,beforeheclosedhiseyesagainandslept.
Madidn’tmovefromthechairnexttohim.Insilence,sheandKiransatoneithersideofhisbed.Occasionally,KirancouldfeelMa’seyesonher,butforthemostpart,theyweresilent.ThelackofcatchingupamplifiedthebeepsonBaba’smachinesandthesoundofhisbreathing.Kiranbegancountinghisbreathstooccupyhertime.
Twohundredbreathslater,shewasbeginningtobelieveherfatherwaschannelingDarthVader.
“Ma,howareyouholdingup?”
“Whatareyousupposedtodowhenyoucan’tdoanything?It’sallinGod’shands,butIdon’tthinkatriptothemandircanfixthis.”
“Itwillbeokay,Didi,”saidRakeshMama.
“Raku,youshouldgohome,”Madirected.“Kiranishere.Wewillcallyouifanythingchanges.”
“Icanstay,”RakeshMamainsisted.
“No,no,gotoyoursister-in-law’shomeandtakesomerest,”Masaidagain
RakeshMamafinallyacquiesced,givingKiranakissontheforeheadbeforeheadingout.
IttookoverthreehoursbeforeadoctorfinallyappearedtodiscussBaba’scase.ThosehourswerefilledwithsilenceandglaresbetweenKiranandMa.
“Ma’am,”thedoctorsaid.“WhoisinchargeofMr.Mathur’smedicaldecisions?”
“Me,”Kirananswered.“What’sgoingon?Whydidthistakesolong?”
“MissMathur,yourfatherneedsatriplebypasssurgery.Traffichadbeenverybadwhenhearrived,andhewasdelayedinarriving,whicheliminatedthewindowtoperformacatheterization.Becauseheisdiabetic,thedyesusedinanangiogramareharmfultohiskidneys,andduetothemedicationswegavehimwhilehewasunderobservation,wemustwaitthreedaysbeforeperformingatriplebypass.”
“Whataretherisksofabypass?It’sanopen-heartsurgery,correct?”KirantriednottoconveythesheerterrorshefeltattheideaofopeningupBaba’schestcavityandstoppinghishearttooperateonit.
“Itisanopen-heartsurgery.Icannotlietoyou.Anymajorsurgerysuchasthiscomeswithrisks.Bleeding,heartarrhythmias,infections,memoryloss,kidneyissuesbecauseofhisdiabetes,stroke,oranotherheartattack.Intheworstcase,death…”
Death.
“Arethereanyalternatives?”Kiranaskedquietly.“Therehastobesomethingyoucandootherthanopeninghimupandmanuallyfixingthis,right?”
“I’mafraidnot.”
Kirannodded.Inadaze,shesignedthepapersrequiredtoallowBabatohavethesurgeryheneeded.
NowshehadtotellMa.
Kirantriedtoexplainwhatwasabouttohappen.Theconceptofcuttingintosomeone,exposingtheirheart,stoppingit,andstartingitwasn’teasytocomprehendinEnglish,letaloneanotherlanguage.
ButMaonlyhadonequestion.
“Riskkyahai?”Maasked.
Kiranwasatalossforwords.Shecouldn’tpossiblytellhermotherthatthebypasswasinvasiveanddangerous.Theconceptofstoppingaheartandrestartingithourslaterwasdauntingevenforaneducatedmindgrapplingwiththepatientbeingherfather.ForMa,itwouldbeimpossibletohandle.
Shehadalsoliedenoughtoherparentsinthelastmonths,andonemorelieinacrisisofthismagnitudecouldfinallypromptdestinytopushthemallovertheedge.ThatwasthelastthingKiranwanted.
“Ma,theriskishigh.Butthisisouronlyoption.Hisheartattackwasmassive,andthisistheonlywayhe’llsurvive.Thisishisbestchance.”
Ma’seyeswidened,thenfilledwithtears.Hershouldershunched,andshesatback,herfaceinherhands.SheshookalittleasshewrestledwiththeimplicationsofwhatKiranhadjustsaid.WhileKiranmayhavespokenofBaba’sbestchance,Ma,ashiswife,couldonlyheartheloss,andKirancouldn’tblamehermotheronebitforthat.
Ma’sreddenedeyesglaredatKiranassheliftedherhead.Hervoicewasshaky.Shewasmaddenedwithgriefandheartbreak,butwhenshespoke,therewasundeniableconvictioninhervoice.
“Thisisyourfault.Yourbabamightbetakenaway,andifheis,it’llbeyourfault.”
Kiranwasgutpunched,andherlungshurt.Ittookeveryounceofstrengthinherlegstoholdherselfupagainstthedoorandkeepfromcrumblinginhalf.
“I’llgohomeandgetyousomefood,”Kiransaidsoothingly.“Youmustbehungry.”
Inadaze,shecollectedherbagandsuitcase,blindlydraggingitbehindherassheheadedtowardtheexit.There,shehailedanautorickshaw.ThedriversubtlynoddedwhenKirandirectedhimanddidn’tspeakagainashedroveherfromthehospitaltotheapartmentshehadrentedforherparentsinLajpatNagar.ShesuspectedhehadheardatouchofAmericanaccentinhervoiceandseemeddeterminedtotakeherthroughascenicroutetotheirapartmentinLajpatNagar.TheypassedthepresidentofIndia’shome,RashtrapatiBhavan,andtheNehruPlanetariumontheirroute.Embassieslinedthestreet,wavingtheirflagsinpatrioticpride.IndiaGate,agiantarchmemorializingtheforgottencolonizedsoldiersfrom1914–1921,roseintotheskyonKiran’srightastheyroundedagianthexagon.Eventhehighcourtwasvisible.
Eachlandmarkwasajabather.
Lookatwhereyou’refrom.
YouliveinAmerica,butyouarenotAmerican.
ActlikeanIndian.Thisisyourheritage.
Astheypulledintotheblockwherehousespackednexttooneanotherwithhardlyenoughspacetoroaminbetween,Kiranshovedahandfulofrupeenotesintothedriver’shand.
“Please,ma’am,”heimplored,gesturingformore.
Kiranblanklygavehimanotherhundredrupees,carelessaboutwhethershewasbeingrippedoffornot.Sheglancedupwardatthecementbuildinginfrontofher.Sixstorieswithfadedandpeelingyellowstuccodecoratingthefront,theapartmentbuildingwasforeigncomparedtothehomeKiranhadgrownupinRamnagar.ShehadrecruitedRakeshMamatofindthisplacewithinherbudgetforMaandBabatomoveinto.
Shefoundthethickringwiththegiantskeletonkeyhangingfromit,whichRakeshMamahadleftinherbag.Sheunlatchedtheroom.
Thefirstsmellthathitherwasofincense—thesameincenseBabaalwayslitwhenshewasgrowingup.
Assheclosedthedoorbehindher,shesanktotheflooragainstitandfinallycried.
Shedidn’tknowhowlongshespentonthefloor,sobbinguntilhereyeswerered,raw,andburning.Hernosestung,andherheadhurt,acombinationofexhaustionandachesfromthelaboroftravelingacrosstheworld.
She’dalwaysthoughtofIndiaashome,butnowshewonderedhowhomecouldfeelsoemptywhenherheartwasthousandsofmilesaway.
Nashdidn’tknow.
Herdadwasinthehospital,herfamilywasfractured,andallshewantedwascomfortfromNash,whohadnoideashewasstrugglingandhadnoideahowsorryshewas.
Whetherhewantedtotalktoher,whetherhewould,whethertherewasanyhopeatall,shedidn’tcare.Withoutthinking,shefishedforherphoneinthebagshe’ddroppedonthefloornexttoher.Sniffling,shedialed,fightingbackanotherwaveoftears.
“Hello?”Nash’svoicewashesitant.
“Nash?”Kiransaid,hereyesoverflowingagainatthesoundofhisvoice.
“Kiran?Areyouokay?”Hesoundedconcerned.
Ormaybethatwaswhatshehoped,thathe’dforgetheridiocy.
“I’minIndia.Mybaba—mydad—hadaheartattack.”
“Isheokay?”heaskedquietly.“Doyouwantmeto…Doyouneedme?”
“I’vealwaysneededyou,”shesaid,lettingoutasmallsob.“Ijustdon’tknowhowto…whatwecandoaboutallthis.Thisismyfault.”
KirancouldhearNashbreathinginandoutslowlyontheotherendoftheline,andhisquietpresencecalmedher.
“WhatcanIdo?”Hisvoicewassolow,soquiet,thatKiranstrainedtohear
“Imissyou.”Thewordswereoutbeforeshecouldstopthemorthinkthemthrough.
Silence.
Kiranpulledthephoneaway,frowningatthescreentoseeifthecallhadcut,beforesheheardNashclearinghisthroatontheotherend.Sheslammeditbacktoherear.
“Imissyoutoo,”hesaid.
Reliefcoursedthroughher.Shewasn’ttheonlymiserableone.Hemissedhertoo.
“But,Kiran,youbrokeupwithme,”heremindedher.
“I’msorry.I’msosorry.”
“‘Sorry’doesn’tmaketheachegoaway.Iknowyou’resorry.Butitdoesn’tchangeanything.”
“Nash—”Kiranstruggledtoexplainanything.
Exhaustionhitherinwaves.
Buthewasright.
“Ijustneedyoutounderstand,”shewhispered.“Youare…everything.You’resmartandfunny.YousawmeinawayI’dneverbeenseenbefore.ButI’minIndia…Mydadishavingatriplebypasssoontosavehislife.
“WhentheygaveupKirti,everyholidaywasmuted.Peopletalkedaboutthemingatheringsandatreligiousevents.Ithurtthem,buttheyneverletitshow.ButifIfallinlove,andtheygothroughitagain…Kirticouldn’tsayno,andIgetwhy.Iknowhowmuchthatwouldhavehurther.”Hervoicecracked.“ButifIdon’t,thenIputmyparents—thetwopeoplewhostayedupwithmeeachnighttostudy,soldtheirpossessionstosupportme,anddideverythingintheirpowertoletmesucceed—inapositionagainwherethey’vebetandlost.”
“Kiran,you’reinAmericanow.Okay,maybenotliterallynow.Buttheyhavetounderstandthattimeshavechangedandthatyou’vemadeitsofarthattheyhavetotrustyourchoices.”
“Youstilldon’tgetit,Nash!Justlikeyoudidn’tunderstandthebigdealaboutmyname.Youhaveasetofprivilegesandsomevaluesthataredifferentfrommine.”
“Theyaren’tworse—”heprotestedgently.
“Justdifferent,”shefinishedforhim.“Yougrewupwithoutmuchfamilyaround.AndI’msosorryforthat.Freedomdidn’tcometoyouwithoutloss,anditdidn’tcometoyoueasily…butyou’vebeenabletoliveyourlifewithoutabindingtie.”
“Thatfreedomisahumanvalue,though.”
“No,Nash,it’sanAmericanone,”Kiranpressed.“I’mnotsayingit’sabadone.It’sbeautifulinitsownwayandhasbenefits,butnoteverycultureworksthatway,andit’snotfairofyoutoexpectmetofollowtheAmericanwayjustbecauseIlivethere.Andit’snotfairformetoholdyoutothisexpectationeither.Ican’tdothattothefamilywhogotmetoAmericainthefirstplace.”
“Idon’tunderstandwhyithastobemeorthem.”
“Idon’tknowanyotherway,”Kiranconfessed.“Becausethepainit’llcausethem,thesocialstigmatheyfear,thefactthattheyalreadylostonechild,andIcan’tbeartomakethemfeelliketheylostanotherone…Idon’tseeanotherway.Idon’twantthis.Iwantyou.ButIcan’thaveyou.”
“Don’tyouhavearighttofallinlovewiththepersonyouspendyourlifewith?”Frustrationandpainbledintohisvoice.
“Aright,yes.Butthatrightcomeswithsacrificessometimestoo.”
“It’shardtoletyougo,”hesaidquietlyafteramoment’spausethatfeltlikeaneternity.
“Honestly?Nash,Idon’twantyouto.Thisisn’twhatIwant.It’swhathastohappen.”Kiranwelledupagain,notbelievingwhatshewastellinghimtodo.
“IfIprovedmyself,or…Idon’tknow,ifthingsweredifferent,wouldyoubewithme?”
“Inaheartbeat.”
“Idon’tknowifthatfeelsbetterorworse,”hewhispered.
Kiranwasn’tsureiftheclicksheheardwasfromhimhanginguporifitwasherheartcrackinginhalfasshestartedtocryinearnestalloveragain.ChapterForty-Three
NASH
Nashwasdrained.
Heheldontothephone,hisgriprefusingtoloosenincaseshecalledbackandchangedhermind,ashelayonthecouch,limpandunwillingtomove.
Minutes,thenhours,passedwhilehestaredattheceiling.Hisheartthumpedsteadily,buthehadnoideahowitwasstillgoingwhenhislifehadbeensuckedoutofhim.
Andthephonedidn’tringagain.
Hisfather’swordsplayedthroughhismindoverandoveraboutlovingMom,notfightingforher,andthelifeofregrethe’dlivedbywishinghehadn’tgivenupsoeasily.
Nashdidn’twanttoexperiencethesamewishful,retrospectivethinkingthathisdadhad.Hewantedtodoitrightthefirsttimearoundandliveahappylife.Afterall,hadn’teveryonetoldhimthathehadbeatentheoddsbysucceeding?Hedidn’twanttogodownhisparents’pathofregretandmissingoutonthethingsandpeopletheyloved.
Hegotuptogetaglassofwater—pausingtocontemplateabeerbeforedecidingagainstitbecausehecouldn’tbringhimselftodrinkinthemorning—andafoldedpieceofpaperonhiscountercaughthiseye.
Hefrowned,wonderingwhathe’dleftthere,beforeherememberedpickingitupoutside.ThesamepaperthatKiranhaddroppedwhenhe’dlastseenher.
Curious,missingher,andfiguringhecouldn’tloseanythingmore,heunfoldedit.
Hercurlyhandwritingspiraledthroughalternatinglinesonthepaper,andNashimaginedherinfrontofhimnow,writingoutherlistofthingstodo.Hisheartfeltcrushed,thinkingabouthowhe’dwantedtoknowthegirlinfrontofhimbackthenandhowhecouldn’tlethergonow.
Eachitemwascrossedoff.Nashpausedoneachone,rememberingherlookofgleeatseeinghorses,thewayshecurledintoherselfinthenightairontheroof.
Hiseyestrailedtothebottomofthelist,wheresmallerwritingspelledoutashortsentence.Threewords.
Fallinlove
Theywerecrossedout.
Nash’sheartstopped.
Hereaditoverandover,sayingthewordstohimselfandseeingtheneatlineacrossthewordsshe’djotteddowninsecret,hidingthemfromhim.
She’dfalleninlove.
She’dfalleninlovewithhim
Butsheleftyouanyway,avoiceinhismindsaidloudly.
IfI’dhunginthereandinsistedweworkitout,wewouldhavegottentobeafamily,hisdad’svoicesaidinhisheadnow
Maybeheneededtofightharderandconvincehertohanginthere.
Hisphonebuzzed,makinghimjump.
Hesprintedtothephonerestingonthesofacushionandpickedupsofast,hopingitwasKiran,thathehithimselfhardonthesideofthehead.
“Hello?”heansweredbreathlessly,wincingattheachebeforerealizinghehadn’tevenlookedatthenumberthathadcalled.
“Nash?”afemalevoiceaskedontheotherend.
Itwasn’tKiran.Hisstomachplummeted.Buthealsohadnoideawhothehellitactuallywaseither.
“Yeah?”
“Oh,hello.”TheBritishaccentgrewfamiliar.“Ihopeyourememberme.It’sKiran’sfriend,Payal.”
“OfcourseIrememberyou.Hi.Why…WhatcanIdoforyou?”
“IwantedtoletyouknowthatKiranwenttoIndia.Herfatherhadaheartattack,andsheleftyesterday.”
Hesighed.“Thankyouforlettingmeknow.ButIdidfindoutacoupleofhoursago.Shegavemeacall.”
“Didshe?”Payalsoundedtakenaback.
“Shedid.”
“Ah.Itakeititdidn’tgowell,didit…?”
“Iwouldn’tsayitwasagreatconversation,no.”
“Howareyou,Nash?”
Hewastouchedandsurprisedatthesoftnessinhervoice—thegenuinecareforapersonshe’donlymetoncebutlikelyheardplentyofgreat(andnotgreat)thingsabout.
Shemistookhissilenceforquestioningandspokeagain.“I’mnottryingtobenosy.Iwantedtocheck—”
“No,no,”hesaidquickly.“It’snothinglikethat.Iknowyouwerelookinginonme,andIappreciateit.IguessIdon’tknowwheretostart.Idon’tunderstand…Imean,Idoonaperipherallevel,butit’shardtocatchupemotionally.”
“Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,she’samess.”
Hegaveasmallsmileandashakeofhisheadthatshecouldn’tsee.“Itdoesn’tmakemefeelbetter.”
“Wouldyouliketotalkaboutit?”
“Ifoundherlist,Payal.”
“Herlist?”
“Theonesyouallmade…youradventures,orplans,ordreams,orwhatever.Sheadded‘fallinlove’tothebottom.Andshecrosseditoff.”
Weightysilencefilledtheair.
“Wow,”breathedPayal.
“Yeah,”echoedNashinthesame,awedtone.
“Sowhatareyougoingtodo?”
“IneedtogotoIndia.”
ItwasnearlycomicalhowobviousitseemedtoNash.He’dhardlybeenoutofthecountry—saveforatriptoMexicowithBrandon’sfamilyaftercollegegraduation—letaloneacrosstheworld,andherehewasnow,talkingaboutsettingoffonajourneyforagirl.
Butitwasn’tjustagirl.Itwasthegirl.Kiranneededhim.Andhewouldbethere.
Silencehungbetweenthemforasplitsecond,whenNashwascertainPayalwouldtrytotalkhimoutofit.
“IthinkyouneedtogotoIndiatoo.”Payalmadethestatementwithatingeofmischiefthatdidn’tescapehim.
“Idon’tevenknowwhereI’mgoing.”
“Well,Dr.Hawthorne…”Payalschemed.“Inthatcase,Ihappentohaveheraddress.”
“Youareagoddess,Payal.”
“Justameremortal,butIdotrytobedivinesometimes.”Shelaughed.
“Also,Payal?Howdidyougetmyphonenumber?”
“Icalledyourofficeandaskedforit.”
“Andtheygaveittoyou?MaybeIneedtofiretheadmin…”
“Imean,wouldyouturnmedown?Can’tblameher,canyou?”
Nashchuckledatherspunk,anditwasasthoughhehadn’tlaughedinyears.He’dfoundanally.
DespitetherushtolookafterKiranandsavetheday,Nashhadtoberationalandpatient.Hebookedared-eyeforthenextday,allowinghimandPayaltimetocoordinateatripandfindoutdetailsaboutKiran’sstay.Hecalledintowork,requestedanadditionalfewdaysoffincasehistriphadtobelongerthanheanticipated,andpackedasuitcase—afterreferencingweatherreportsbecausehehadnoideawhattoexpect.HeletBrandonknowhe’dbeaway,elicitingawhoopofjoyandpromisingtotextwhenhelanded.
Maybehewascrazy,crossingtheworldforagirlwhohadbrokenupwithhim.
Whileitwasimpulsiveandwhimsicalatthetime,he’dneverbeensothankfulhehadthoughtaheadtotheinevitabilitythathewouldenduponaflight.Hewisheditwasn’tunderthesecircumstances.
ThoughhismeetingwithhisdadhadreopenedoldwoundsandNashwasn’tsurehowtohealthem,heknewdeepdowntherewaswisdombehindKirk’swords.Thebiggesturewasreal.Anddeterminedashewasnottoliveouthisparents’lives,Nashwoulddowhatittooktoensureheneverhadthesameworries.ChapterForty-Four
KIRAN
ThenextdayinIndia,unawareofNash’seffortsandafteranightfilledwithanadditionaltriptobringhermomfood—andtotryandconvincehertoswapshifts,tonoavail—Kiranawokeinheroldbed.Thesunhadbarelycomeup,andtheskywasturningtheindigohuebeforedawn.Butthebirdsalwayswokeearlierthanthat.Theycooedloudlytooneanotherfromoutsideinthetrees,andwhileKiranhadneverfiguredoutwhichspecieswasloudenoughtowaketheneighborhood,theyalwaysmadetheirpresenceknown.Thiswasthecoolesttimeofday,whenthepollutionofDelhi’straffichadn’thittheairyetandtheearth’sdampmustinessremindedherofrain.Bharatkadarti.India’sdirt.ThewordsinEnglishwouldnevercapturetheessenceofwhatthesmellremindedherofwhensheawoketoit.
Disorientedandblank,sherolledoveronhersoft,cotton-stuffedmattressonlysupportedbyawoodframebuiltfarbeforeshewasborn.
Therewasanoldquoteshe’dreadsomewherethatshewantedtobelieveshe’dfoundinabookbuthadlikelyseenonPinterest.Ittalkedaboutwhensomeonewantedtoknowwheretheirheartwas,theyshouldlooktowheretheirmindwentwhenitwandered.Anotherclichédoldversehadspokenofthefirstthoughtthatcrossedsomeone’smindinthemorningbeingtheirreasonforwakingup
SheimaginedKirtiwakingupwithherhusband’snameonhermind.Akashwouldthinkhisoldestsister’smonikerbecauseshewashisfavorite.Sonamwoulduseherbrother’simagetopropelherdayforward.Payalwouldprobablythinkofherself,becauseshewasunattached,free,andhappy.
Forthelastmonth,Kiranhadwokenupwiththesamenameonhermindthemomentsheopenedhereyes.
Now,inIndia,shewoketoadifferenttune.
Baba.Thenherstomachsank,hearingthelastwordsthey’dsaidtoeachotherandpicturingthehospitalwherehestilllay.
Ma.She’dbehitwithanotherpunch,whichwouldknockthewindoutofher.EvenifMawasfinephysically,KirancouldsensehergrowingfurtherawaywithBaba’ssurgeryonlytwodaysaway.Ma’sproclamationthatthiswasKiran’sfaultcarvedaholeinher,andshewrappedherarmsaroundherselfasifthegripwouldholdherbrokeninsidestogether.
Then…Nash.Kirancurledintoaballonherside,willingherselftobreatheandtobracefortheacheslowlyseepingintothevoidthethoughtsofMaandBabaleft.Sheheavedonce,thoughnothingwastheretowrenchoutofherbody.Noteventears.
Getup,Kiran.Comeon.Babaneedsyou.Macan’tdothisalone.YouhavetofindKirti.
SittinguptookHerculeaneffort.Witheverycentimeterherlimbsshifted,shetalkedherselfintoanothertask.Washyourface.Brushyourteeth—yourtoiletriesareinyoursuitcase.Fillabucket.Puttheimmersionheaterinthewater.Waitfiveminutes.Pouritoveryourselftoshower.Packabagforthehospital.Turnonthegasstovewithalighter.Makeepstheflourinapinkbin—whereisit?Findit.Makechapatis.
Stepbystep,directionbydirection,Kiranfoundherselfatthehospitalagain.
“Youcancook.”
ThemonotonemadeitdifficultforKirantotellwhetherMawasimpressedorstatingtheobviousasshetookabiteofthehomemadecurryandchapatis.
“Ilearnedfromthebest,”KiranmurmuredassheadjustedtheblanketoverBabasohewouldn’tbecold.
“Cookingwasn’twhatwewouldhopeyouwouldlearn.”Thereitwas.Ma’sdigwasinthesameblandvoice,asifshedidn’thavetheenergytopickafight.
Kirankeptherselffromtakingthebait—orperhapsitwasn’tbaitatall,justthetruth.Eitherway,shesaidnothing.
ThesoundofBaba’sbreathinggotlouderagain.
“Ma,doyouwantmetotakeyouhome?Youcanshowerandsleep.”
“Ivowedtostaynexttohim.”
“It’sbeendays.”
“Ibrushedmyteeth,andRakeshbroughtmeclothes.Iamfine.”
Kirangaveupthefight.
Afewhourslater,RakeshMamacametorelieveherofhervigilbyBaba’sbedside.
“Idon’twanttogo.It’sokay.”Kirantriedtoargue,butRakeshMamashookhishead.
“Takeabreak.Goahead.Comebackforanightshiftifyou’dlike.I’mtoooldtobedoingthose.”
Shegiggled,knowinghewouldstayforthreedaysandthreenightswithoutcomplainingiftheyasked.“I’llbebackinafewhours.”
Whenshesteppedintothesettingsun,sheflinchedatthewaythelighthithereyes.Thehospitalwasdankanddarkerthanshewouldhaveliked,andshestoodoutside,breathingintheairforamoment.
Babahadbeensleepinganawfullot.Attimes,hewouldopenhiseyesintoalucidgazearoundtheroombeforefallingasleepagain.Kiranwonderedifitwashismedsorwhetherhisbodyhaddecidedtotakeabreak.
Thesurgerywasintwomoredays.KiranwonderedifanyonekeptintouchwithKirti—whethersheknewtheirfatherwassuffering.
Kiranpulledoutherphone.Shesearchedforthenearestdetectiveanddirectedanautodrivertotakeherthere.
IfshehadtwodaysbeforeBabawentintohisoperation,shewouldfindhersisterandreunitethefamilybeforeitwastoolate.
Twenty-fourhourslater,shewasstandinginanunfamiliarareaacoupleofhoursoutsideDelhi,withherballed-upfiststryingtoloosenupandfailing.
105GandhiRoad,neartherailtrackscrossroads.
ThetornpieceofpapershookinKiran’shands.Aheadofher,tworustedtracksranacrossastreetthatformedanX.Litterandbrokenplasticwerescatteredonbothsidesoftheroad.Asignonthehouseonherrightread103inhand-paintedbluenumbers,loopingtoformnumbersindrippingscript.Twohousesfartherwas105.
ThehomewasasnondescriptastheycameinanIndianvillage.Tanincolor,withafrontthatappearedtobemadeofstuccobutKiranknewtobecement.Twostories.Windowswithscrollingmetalscreensonthem.Stairsontheoutsideofthehouse,unevenintheirspacingandfamiliarinheightonlytothosewhowalkedthemeveryday.Awalled-interraceontheroofwithahangingclothesline,drapedwithcolorfulsarisand,toKiran’ssurprise,apairofjeansinasizeclosetohers.
Butthishomewasn’tnondescriptotherwise.
Kirtilivedhere.SheandJijaji,whosefeaturesKirancouldonlyrememberwithfuzziness,andtheirchildren.Maybehisparents.Shehadnoidea.
Thedetective,aMr.Bhatt,hadfoundKirtiwithinhours.WhenKiranhadposedherquestion,hehadsatlikeapolicemaninanoldBollywoodmoviebehindadesk,withinquisitiveeyesstudyingherfromtheothersideofblack-rimmedglasses.Hewasunremarkableinhisspeech,promisingtofindherassoonaspossibleandkindlyshowingKiranoutafterhe’dgatheredtheinformationheneeded.Shehadtrustedinhisdisciplinednotes,histhoughtfulquestions,andhisdeliberateconsiderationashejotteddownadditionalinformationsheprovided.
Shehadreceivedaphonecallat3:00p.m.thenextday.Kirti’shusband,Gautam,wasanarmycolonel,andthefamilylivedattheDelhiCantonmentduringtheschoolyear.Whenthekidswereofffromschool—Kiranhadnodetailsonwhetherthesechildrenwereboysorgirlsorwhatagestheywere—KirtistayedattheancestralhomethatGautam’sfamilyhadleftthemontheoutskirtsofDelhi…amerehour’scabrideaway.ItwasreligiousfestivaltimeinIndianow…andKiranwastakingawildguessthatthefamilyhadretreatedtotheirfamilyhome.
ThatwaswhereKiranstoodnow,debatingwhethersheshouldmakeamovetowardherpastorstayrootedinthepresent
Baba’ssurgerywastomorrow.
Itwasnowornever.
Howhadtwentyyearspassedwithoutcontact?Kirantouchedherbelly,wheresomeday,shehopedachildwouldgrow.Shecouldn’timaginebeingseparatedforthatlongfromherchild—andhershadn’tevenbeenconceivedyet.HowhadMaandBabaallowedKirtitodisappear?HowhadKirtilistened?
Somanyquestionswhirledthroughhermind,andthetornadoofemotionssweptKiranaway.Sheturnedaroundsuddenly,earningajinglefromaswervingbicyclerider’sbellandacursewordshehadn’theardintenyears.Whatwassheevendoinghere?
“Areyoulost?”ayoungvoiceaskedinHindi.
“Ummm,”Kiranstutteredasshestaredatthepieceofpaperlikeitheldanswers.“No.Yes.I’mlookingforKirtiLal’shouse,butit’sokay—”
“Oh.Icantakeyou.”Thepuzzlementinthegirl’svoicepromptedKirantolookup.
Ayoungerversionofherselfgazedbackather,browsfurrowed.Longwavyhair,thinnerandwell-oiled,wasplaiteddowntothegirl’swaist.Shehadlonglegsand,surprisinglytoKiran,whohadn’tgrownupwearingWesternclothesathome,waswearingjeansandastylishwhitecottontunicontop.Big,linedeyespeekedoutfromunderneathangulareyebrows,andhersquarejawline,strongbutgentleatthesametime,balancedhersoftfeatures.Shewasleanbutsoft.Shecouldn’thavebeenmorethanseventeen.
“Come.Followme.”
“Didi!”avoicecalledoutfromthedoorofahousethathadacarsittinginacarport—weneverhadacarwhenIwasyoung—andachildaroundtheageoftenbouncedoutinabrightyellowcottondress.
“Hi,Chottu,didyouhaveagooddayattuition?”theteenageraskedasthechildwrappedherarmsaroundherwaist
Kiransuckedinherbreathatthenickname.
“Aye,Anjali,wait!Thatgirl—alwaysrunningoff…You’reinthemiddleofyourtuitionhomework—”
Kiranstoodfrozenonthecementpath.Theaddresswasclutchedinherpalm,herfingerswrappedsotightlyhernailscutintoherpalms.
Aftertwentyyears,hersister—now,clearlyamother—rushedoutofthehomecladinabluesari.Herhairhadthinnedslightlyovertheyearsbutstillheldthewavethatshehadsolongedtopreservewhensheflippeditoverhershoulderasacollegestudent.Shehadgrownsofter,asageoftenallowed,andwasstillaswomanlyandbeautifulasever.
“Anjali—”Kirti’seyesdartedbehindherdaughteratthestatueKiranhadturnedinto.
Thenshestopped.Hereyebrowsflewintoherforeheadashermouthdroppedopen.Theuniversestoppedmoving.Nooneexistedbutthetwosisters,staringateachotheraftertwentyyearsofseparationandsomanymissedmilestones.Kirti’sentirepregnancyor,Kiransuspected,twopregnanciesjudgingbyhowmuchtheoldergirllookedlikeher.Kiran’sfirstperiod.Herfirstcrush.HerrelationshipwithNash.Kirti’smoveintothishome.Countlessbirthdays,anniversaries,familycelebrations,andtragedies.Baba’sheart.
Kiranpartedherlips,butnosoundcameout,notevenasqueak.
Kirti’seyes,thesizeoffullmoons,stayedfocusedonKiran’s.Thenslowlytheytraveledtoherhair,whichcurledattheendsintheIndianhumidity,hangingoffherchest.Kirti’sgazewenttoherwaist,toKiran’slonglegsandtheshoesshewaswearing—sandalswithabitofaheel—andlingeredonherclean,paintednails,herneatlygroomedeyebrows,hersoftskin.Inaflash,shewouldbeabletogaugethatKiranhadn’tseenthesamehardlaborthattheirfamilyhadtoiledat.ShehadnoneofMa’scrackedheels,coarsebutlovinghands,orsun-soakedskinthatBabawore.
Kiranwasunsureandunmoving.ThehungrystareKirtiwasgivingherwasonesheunderstood.Shewasgivingherbigsisterthesamesavoringgaze,takingineverydetail—theburnonherforearm,likelyfromahottava,thestrandsofgraythatstruckthroughthejetblackKiranremembered,andaringsheworeonherrighthand—Ma’soldring—thatKirancouldrecallMalovinglyhandingKirtionherweddingday.
“Chottu.”Itwasawhisper.
Atthesweetlullabyofherchildhoodnickname,Kiran’seyesfilledwithtears,andshegrinneddespitethewetnessthreateningtorundownhercheeks.
“Didi,”shemurmuredback.Thewordwassoforeignbutsonaturalrollingoffhertongue.
KirtiandKiranboltedtowardeachother.
Kiran’sarmswrappedaroundhersister’sshoulders,feelingawarmthonherforearmsthatshehadn’tfeltsinceshewasachild.Hersister’scoconut-oilhairstillsmelledthesame,andKiraninhaleduntilherlungswereabouttoburst.
“Imissedyousomuch,”Kirtisaid,tearsrunningdownhercheekstoo.
“Didi,”Kiranchokedoutagain.
Sherepeatedthewordsomanytimes,overandoverandoveragain,untilitsoundedlikeonelongsentenceoftwosyllablesthatrantogetherlikeahum.
“You’vegrownup.”Kirtisniffledandlaughedthroughhertears.“Twenty-eightyearsold.Howdidthathappen?”
“Slowly,”Kiranjoked.
“Kiranmasi?”theyoungerchild,nowwithoutadoubtKiran’sniece,tentativelyasked.ThequestionwasdirectedatKirtimorethanKiran.
“Yes,jaan,”Kirtiresponded,wipingatherfacewiththeendofhersari’spallu.“ThisisyourKiranmasi.”
“We’veheardsomanythingsaboutyourchildhood.”TheoldergirlstudiedKiran.
“Kiran,thisismyolderdaughter,Radha,andmyyounger,Anjali.”
“Mawasright.Ilooklikeyou,”Radhamurmured.
Kirancouldtelltheirpersonalitieswereprobablysimilaratthatagetoo—thatRadhawasresponsibleandquiet.
“Kiranmasi!”AnjalicriedoutasshethrewherarmsaroundKiran’swaist.“Doyouliketoplaycarom?”
Kiranstartledattheburstofenergyandaffectionfromherlittleniece.“Iusedto.I’mnotverygood.”
“Come,let’steachyou!”ShepulledKiran’shandtowardthehouse.
Kiranwashesitanttobargeintotheirlives,althoughshe’dalreadyenteredwithabang.Wasshewelcome?Shetuggedgentlyatherhand,envelopedinAnjali’s,butKirtiwasrightbehindherwithahandonherbacktoguideherway
“You’reoldenoughforchainow.Ordoyoulikecoffee?Come.Radha,gogetsomesnacksfromtheshop.Samosas,paneertikka,andanythingelseyoulike.”Kirti’senthusiasmpropelledKirantofollowallofthemintothehome.
“Idrinkcoffeeorchai.Anything.”Kiran’sEnglishuseofthewordanythingcausedKirtitoglanceather.
“Listentothataccent!Wheredidyougotoschool?”
ItwasthatquestionthatwashedawaythedamandcausedKiran’stearstofallfreely.Wheredidyougotoschool?IfonlyKirtiknewhowfarshe’dcomesincetheirdaysinRamnagar.Hersisterdidn’tevenknowshe’dmovedtotheUnitedStates.ShehadnoideaaboutBabaandhiscurrentvigilatdeath’sdoor.
“Chottu,”Kirtihummedwiththesoothingtoneofamother.“Anjali,gofinishyourschoolwork—”
“But,Ma!”
“Chalhat!”Kirtimockinglyraisedahandtosmackherdaughter,andAnjaliranaway,giggling,unawarethatthedismissalwasacodeforadults-onlyconversation.
“Kiran…talktome.Comesitdown.”
KiranfollowedKirtitoasofainthelivingroomandglancedaroundasshetriedtocomposeherself.Asimplemandirsatinthecornerofthelivingroom,builtintothewallwithcementandapagoda.Offthelivingroomwasasmallhallwaywithakitchenontheleftandtwobedroomsontheright.Abathroomattheendofthehall.Itwasamedium-sizedhome,muchgranderthantheyevercouldhavedreamedwhenthey’dsharedthesameone.But,asKirannoted,ithadatouchofKirtitoit,withwarmththatcarriedthroughtheyearsandtranscendedfinancialstatus.Asplashofcolorhere.Religiousidolsthere.AphotoortwoofthegirlswhentheywereyoungerandapictureofJijaji,stillappearingyoungthoughhisfeaturesweredifferentthanKiranrememberedasachild.
“Wehavealottocatchupon,”Kirtisaidsoftly.“Tellmeeverything.”
“Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.”
“Anywhere.”
“IwenttoschoolinShimlaaftertenthclass.ThentoDukeUniversityinAmerica.I’manengineer.IliveinNewYorkCity.Mybestfriends’namesareAkash,Sonam,andPayal.Wemetduringcollegeandstayedbestfriendsevennow.I’mnotmarried.”
Itseemedanoddsummary.ASparkNotesversionofherentirelifesummarizedinafewsentences.
Kirti’seyeswereredasshegaveasmallclap.“Iknewyouweresmart.America.Lookatyou.”
“It’ssomething,”Kiransaidwithasmalllaugh.“It’sdifferentfromwhatI—we—grewupin.”
TheelephantintheroomwentfromthesizeofaChernobylmutanttobecomingbrightpinkaswell.Thequietthatfollowedfilleditselflikeaballoonwiththeimplicationthatthey’dgrownuptogetherbutnotsidebyside.TheemphasizedabsenceofMaandBabaintheconversationwassuddenlysoapparent,itpressedagainstbothofthemlikeanexpandingbrickwall.
IfKirantalkedaboutwhyshe’dpursuedcollegeintheUnitedStates,theconversationwouldturntoherhavingabetterlife…whichwouldresultinMaandBaba’ssacrifices.
IfshespokeofNash,itwouldcomebacktoMaandBabanotapprovingandtheirfearofbeingostracized.
IftheydiscussedwhyKirtihadn’tbeenintouchovertheyears,itwouldturntohowMaandBabahadtocutties.
Thiswastoomuch.Maybesheshouldn’thavecome.Whyhadshedisruptedeveryone’slivesbybeingsoimpulsive?
Kirti’seyesrestedonKiran,butshecouldn’tmeetherbigsister’sintentgaze.Instead,sheallowedhereyestowanderaroundthelivingroomagain.
There.Itwassosmallshe’dmisseditthefirsttime.AtinyphotographfromyearsagoofKiranandKirtitakenbeforetheweddingwhentheywerestillafamilyrestednexttothemandir.Inablack,simpleframe,itwasdustedandclean—andKiranwonderedifKirtithoughtofhereverytimeshewipedoffthephotoframe.Whilesomeoftheidolshadcollectedasprinklingofdustovertheyears,thisphotolookedasthoughitwasdiligentlykeptpure.
Kirtifollowedhereyestothephotograph.
“ItwastheonlyoneIhadofus,”Kirtisaidsoftly.“Ididn’twanttotakeanythingelsefromhome…butyouweremybabysister,andIhadtohavethatphotographattheveryleast,soIsmuggleditintomytrunkofbelongingsItookwithmeafter”—Kirticlearedherthroat—“afterthewedding.”
Kiranlookedathersisterinshock,halfexpectingtohavenosignsthatsheeverexistedinKirti’slifeandblownawaytofindthattherehadbeenoneeverydayrightinfrontofher…rightnexttohershrineforGod.AmilliontrailsofthoughtsprangfromtherealizationthatKirtihadhadareminderofKiraninfrontofhereverysingleday,anditambushedhersenses,causingreactionsthatcrashedagainstoneanotherinatangle.Herfistsclenchedasherheartslowed.Herheartbeatraced,andshefoughtbacktearsagain.Thewetnessdriedimmediatelyashercheeksgrewwarm.Shehalfsmiledbeforeherbrowsfurrowedthemselvesagain.Makingheadsortailsofheremotionswasimpossible.
Instead,thefirstcoherentthoughtshehadescapedhermouthinatumble.
“Whydidn’tyoucall?”Kirantriedremainingneutral,tokeepthetoneofaccusationoutofhervoice,butthebitternessrangoutlikeagunshot.
“Kiran,itwasn’tthatsimple—”
“Whatwasn’tsimple?”Kiranchallenged.Herempathycriedtogivehersisterachancetospeak,butshe’dbeenfacedwithsilenceforovertwentyyears,andshewantedanswers.“Youleft.AndMaandBabaletyou.”
Yearsofpent-upfrustrationandangerbegancascadingdownKiran’scheeksassheshouted.“Howcouldyouleavemelikethat?Iwaseightyearsold!Ineededmybigsister.Youweren’tthereforanyofit—myfirstAorwhenIrankedinclass.Youweren’ttherewhenIgoldmedaled.BabadroppedmeoffinShimlaforboardingschoolalone.EverytimeMamadealoodipyaazandstoppedtalkingwhenshe’dserveitbecausesheknewitwasyourfavorite.ThesilentremindersofyouonyourbirthdayandweddinganniversarywhenMaandBabawouldcryintheirroom.Youweren’tthereformygraduationfromDukeormyfirstlove.Ididn’tgettotalktoyouwhenIfellinloveandhadtogivehimupbecauseofallthis!Andnow…”
Kirantriedtoswallow,butshechokedasshesobbedoutheranger.Herarmsclosedthemselvesaroundherchestasshetriedtoholdintheheaves,buttheyforcedthemselvesoutofherbodyanyway,inraspygulpsthatcouldonlyindicatethatshehadfinallylostallcontrol.Twentyyearsofbeingdiligentandcarefulwenttopieces.Sheforcedherfistsclosedastightasshecould,asifthegripwouldclosearoundheremotions,buthernailsdugintoherskin,sendingpainupherhandsthatshehardlynoticed.ShediditagainjusttotrytofeelsomethingwhenKirtistood,crossedthespacebetweenthem,andsatnexttoher.
Insilence,Kirti’sarmswrappedaroundhershouldersandbroughtKiran’sfacetoherbosomlikeamotherwould…likeasisterwould,whohadbeentherealltheseyearswithoutmissingabeat.KirangraspedherhandsasshefeltwetnessfromKirti’scheeksfallintoherown.
ThefamiliarityKirti’sscentbroughtandthewarmthshewasshowingtowardayoungwomanwho,essentially,wasastrangerfinallydammedKiran’sriveroftears.Shehiccuppedandgaspedattheairfinallyfillingherlungs.
“Ithoughtofyoueverysingleday,”Kirtiwhispered.“Youweremybabybeforemychildren.EverytimeIlookedatRadha,IsworeIsawyourfacelookingbackatme.”
“Youneverbotheredtocomeback.Twentyyears…”Kiran’svoicetrailedoffindisbelief.“Howdoyoustayawayfromfamilyfortwentyyears?”
“IwastoldnottocontactMaandBabaagain.IthoughtifIfollowedthrough,itwouldbeeasier.Eventheteachersatyourschoolweretalkingaboutit,andIwasafraidyouwouldtakethebruntofit.”
“Idid,”Kiransaidsimply.“Butnotthewayyouthought.”
“I’msorryforthat.”
Kiransighed,sittingupandwipingherfacewithherdupatta.“Don’tapologize.Ican’timagineitwasanyeasiertohaveyouryoungersistershowuponyourdoorstepaftertwentyyears.”
“Itwasn’texpected.”Kirtigaveasmalllaugh.ThenshebrushedthehairoutofKiran’sface.“ButIwouldn’thavewantedanythingelse.You’vegivenmeyearsofmylifebackbyvisiting.”
WouldBabafeelthesameway?WouldMa?Thisbrushwithdeath…woulditmakethemreconsidertheirlives?Kirandesperatelywantedtobelieveitwould.Herentireheartyearnedtohavehersisterbackintheirgoodgracesandtohaveherfamilyagain.Tofeellikeahomeexistedintheworld.
Kiran’sfacebetrayedherthoughts.
“What’sonyourmind?”
“Everyonesufferedfromthis.ThepanchayatmayhavechangedinRamnagar,butthedecisionsfromthenarestillaffectingourfamily…andeveryoneislesserbecauseofit.”
“DidBabaandMasendyouhere?”
Kiranwishedshewasabletoliebetter—justtoappeasethehopefullookinhersister’seyes.Therewasnothinglikegrantingsomeone’swishandtellingthemthegreatestnewsoftheirlives,andKirti’sferventhopethatshewasrequestedbackwouldgounfulfilledtoday.Kiranhatedit.
ThisdialogueremindedhereerilyofaBollywoodmovieshe’dseen—theyoungerbrotherhadlied.Theolderbrotherhadcalledhimout.
AndKiranwastiredofallthelying.
“Theydidn’tsendme,Didi.But…”
Kirtirecoiledattheblowthatherparentsdidn’tsendforherbutattemptedtorecoverquickly.“What?”
“Baba’sinthehospital.”
Kirtisaidnothing,onlyblanchingatthenews.
“Hemightnotmakeit,”continuedKiran,soundingremovedfromherownbody.“Hehadasmallheartattackfouryearsago.Hehadamajoroneafewdaysback,andtheykepthimunderobservation.Theyhadtowaitthreedaysbeforedoinganangiogram,andnowthey’vedecidedtodoabypass.”
“When?”Kirtimanagedtospeaksmoothly,buthersaribunchedinherfist.
“Tomorrow.It’srisky.”Kiran’sshouldersfellassheexplainedthesituation.
“Youshouldgobacktothehospital,Chottu.MaandBabaneedyou,”Kirtisaidsoftlyafterafewmomentshadpassed.
“Comewithme.”
Kiranwasn’tsureifshewasgoingtoaskKirtitocomebacktodayorwhethershewouldwaituntilamoreopportunemomentandstayintouchduringherweekortwoinIndia.Butassheexplainedherfather’sconditionaloudandsawhersisterinperson,thefleetinglengthoflifewasuponher.Shedidn’twantherfamilytofaceanymoretribulationsapart.ShewantedBabatohearKirti’svoiceandforgivebothhisdaughtersbeforeheenteredsurgery.Hedeservedthepeace.Theyalldid.
“Kiran,”Kirtisaidgentlybeforeshakingherhead.“Ican’tcomeback.”
“Whynot?Didi,Babamightdie.Hemightdie!Howcanyounotcomeback?”
“Theywouldn’twanttoseeme.Attheendofthewedding,BabatoldmeIwasdeadtohim.”
ThebreathcaughtinKiran’schest.Sheknewalltoowellwhatthosewordscoulddotosomeone.Kirtihadcarriedthemaroundfortwentyyears.Kiranhadn’tevencarriedthemfortwentydays.Herheartsoftenedattheburdenhersisterboreasshereplayedthosehurtfulwordseveryday,anytimeshethoughtofmakingcontactagain.
“Igotthattoo,Didi.Thosewerehislastwordstomeonthephone…andI’mstillhere.Please.”
“Why?Didn’tItellyoutotakecareofourparents?”Kirtiaskedindignantly.
“Iwaseightwhenyouasked.Ididn’trealizewe’dgrowupandthingswouldgetcomplicated!”
Itwouldhavebeenfunny.Thisbickering,theback-and-forthofsiblingstryingtoescapetheblameoftheirshortcomingsandpinresponsibilityontheother,shouldhavebeenadailyoccurrenceastheygrewolder.Now,thefuturewantedtoredeemitself.Andthepastwasinnomoodforredemption.
Kiransighed.“Ifellinlove.He’sAmerican.White.Inevermeantforittohappen,butitdid.ItoldMaandBaba,andtheytoldmenevertospeaktothemagain.BabasaidIwasdeadtohim.ThelastconversationIhadwithMaatthehospitalwasherblamingmeforBaba’sheartattack.”
“Itwasn’tyourfault.Youdidn’tcauseit.”
Kiranpausedforabeat.“Ifeelguilty.LikemaybeIdidcauseit.ThenIgetangrythatI’mtakingtheblame.ThenIfeelguiltythatI’mangrywhenBabacoulddie.It’sanendlesscycle,andIcan’tescape.”
“Ourliveshavebecomeanendlesscycle.Historyisboundtorepeatitself,”Kirtiwhisperedalmosttoherself.
“Idon’tevenknowthehistory…”
“BabaandManevertoldyou?”
“No,”Kiranmurmured.“Ipiecedittogether,butwhethertheequationaddsupaccuratelyorwhetherI’mfillingingapsblindly,Idon’tknow.”
“Yourjijaji,Gautam,andImetthroughfriends.Hissisterwasmyfriendwhenweweretakingclasses,andhewastrainingtobeintheIndianArmy.Webeganasfriends.IsawhimoccasionallyattheirhousewhenIwenttostudy,butitwasn’tanythingserious.Eventually,westartedtofeelsomethingmore.Buthewasalowercastethanus—anditwasn’tappropriateforpeopleastraditionalastheonesinourvillage.Eventually,someofthegirlsinmyclassstartedgossiping,andthenewsgotbacktothepanchayat.Eventhen,wedeniedit.Inthemeantime,Gautam’sparentswenttoBabaandMaaboutittoseeiftheywerewillingtoarrangeawedding.BabaandMaweren’thappy.Buttheydidn’tsaynorightaway.Iwassurethey’dcomearound.Itoldhissister,butthesarpaanch’sdaughter,ourcousin,heardmeandtoldherfather.HetoldBabaandMathatitwouldbeinauspicious,anditwoulddishonorourvillageifImarriedaboyfromalowcaste.”
KirancouldseeherselfinKirti’sshoes,andallofasudden,theangerthathadpervadedherforsolongevaporatedasshebegantounderstand.
“Butyousaidyouwouldanyway.”
“Iwashotheadedthen,”Kirtiadmitted.“Inhindsight,Iwouldn’thaveactedsorashly.PerhapsIshouldhavewaited.MaybewecouldhavepersuadedMaandBabatoleavethevillage.Anythingbutholdinganultimatumovertheirheadorforcingallofusintothesedecisions.
“BabaandMaseriouslyconsidereduprootingourlivesandleavingthevillage,buttheweddingdrainedtheirsavings.Theydidn’thavemuchmoneytobeginwith.Butinordertostayandbeaccepted,toallowyoutogotoschool,andtokeeptheirshoprunning,thesarpaanchdemandedtheycuttieswithus.Ididn’tthinktheywoulddoit.IkepttellingthemIwouldrunawaytobewithGautamorthatwedidn’tneedtobemarriedtostartafamily—imaginetheshockthatcaused!”Kirtilaughedahumorlesslaughbeforecontinuing.
“MaandBabagavein.Theysawthatintheend,IwantedtobewithGautam.Theyheldthewedding.Butattheend,TaujitoldBabahemustact.BabatoldmeatmyvidhaaithatIwasnevertocomeback.Iwasnottocontactanyone.Iwastoleavethevillageforever,andIwasdeadtothem.”
“Allthistime,Ithoughtyouforgotus,”Kiransaidquietly.“HowelsecouldIhaveexplainedthatyouwillinglyfollowedthatrule?Youlistenedwhentheysaidtheydidn’twantyoutocall.”
“Youneverforgetyourblood,Kiran.Youcarrythehappymemoriesandthepain.Icriedoften—whenweboughtthishouse,Ithoughtoftheonewegrewupin.Thefirsttimewehiredhelptomopthefloorsanddothelaundry,ImissedMaandthefactthatifshelivedwithus,she’dneverhavetodohardlaboragain.Whenwegotacar,IthoughtabouthoweasyitwouldhavebeentotakeBabaanywherehewantedtogo.Youcarryhappymemories,”shesaidagain.“Butyouneverforgetthepain.”
“Didi,youhavetocomeback…Please.Youhavetofixthis.Wehavetomendfences.Thismightbeourlastchance.”
“Perhaps…buttheydidn’tsendyoutogetme,Chottu.Theyprobablydon’twantmeback.”
“Youdon’tknowthat!”
“Andyoudon’teither.FromwhatIgather,you’renotreadingtheirmindsparticularlywellatthemoment,areyou?”Sheraisedaneyebrow.
“Iknowthatdoingthesamethingoverandoverandexpectingadifferentresultlendsitselftostupidchoices!”Kiranprotested.“Andthisisaridiculousdecision.Whyarewesoinsistentonbeingmiserable?”
“Iloveyou.Iamsohappyyoucamehere.ButIcannotcomeback.Mydecisionisfinal.”
Kiranglaredathersister,furiousatherpigheadedness.ButRadhawalkedinthefrontdoorloadedwithenoughfoodtofeedanarmy,andKiranhadtopretendnoverbalaltercationhadtakenplace,thatshehadn’tbeenshotdownfromreunitingherfamily.
Anjalipeekedoutfromtheotherroom.“Areyoudoneyelling,Ma?”
“Weweren’tyelling,Chottu.”
“Yeah,wewere,”KiranansweredinunisonwithAnjali.
TheoddballsimilaritybetweengenerationspromptedalaughfromKirti.Anjalibroughtthecaromboardout,andKiranindulgedherinagameortwobutcouldn’tmeetKirti’seyesagain.
Afteranhour’stime,Kiransuggestedshego.
“Ihaveanearlymorningtomorrow,”shesaidbywayofexplanationtoAnjali,whoaskedhertostaythenight.
“Sendmylove…Takeitquietly,”Kirtimurmuredtohersisterasshehuggedhergoodbye.“Iamsohappyyouvisited,Chottu.Imissedyousomuch.”
“Pleasecomeback,”Kiranimploredonelasttime.
Kirtishookherhead.“Ican’t.ButItrustyou’lltakecareofthem.”
Kirannoddedandwavedassheleftthepropertyandwalkedtowardthetaxistand.Despiteherelationatthereunionwithhersister,shecouldn’thelpbutfeelshehadfailedathermission.ChapterForty-Five
NASH
“WelcomeaboardFlight102toNewDelhi,India.Pleaseturnyourattentiontoyourflightattendantsastheydemonstratethesafetyprocedures…”
Nashlistenedastheattendantsdescribedwhattodoinanemergencylanding,payingattentiontotheliltoftheHinditranslationandrememberinghowKiransoundedwhenshespokeit.
Andafterthelongestflighthe’deverbeenon,over48hoursafterspeakingwithKiranandrealizingshelovedhimtoo,helandedinhermotherland.
Hehadhardlyslept,withanoldergentlemansnoringnexttohimthroughtheentireflight.Nashhadstayedalert,watchingmoviesonthescreeninfrontofhimandreadingjournalarticleshe’dsavedtohislaptop.
AstheydescendedonIndia,Nashcouldonlyseeanexpanseoftwinklinglightsreachingthehorizon.He’dfollowedthejourneyonthetrackingmaponthescreen,andfromthemomenttheyhadcrossedtheborderintoIndia,thelightshadbecomevisiblebelow.
KiranhadalwaysmentionedthatIndiawaspackedtothebrim,butNashnevercompletelyunderstoodwhatthatmeantuntilhesawveinedpatternsofhighwaysandvillagesandtownsfromabove.Nolandhadbeensparedfromhumantouch.
Theflightculminatedinthelongesttaxiofhislifebeforetheyfinallypulleduptothegate.Thenhesteppedofftheplaneintothestrongestcombinationofsmellshehadeverwitnessed.
Weed,dust,andincense,Kiranhadoncementionedtohim,andhehadchuckledattheodddescription.Butnow,heunderstood.
Theheatwasstifling,evenatnight.Humidityturnedtheairintoathickwallofmoistair,andNashcouldswearhewaswadingthroughitashewheeledhiscarry-onthroughtheairport.
Thecustomslinetookanoutrageousamountoftime.Onlyafewboothswereopen,oddconsideringthesheernumberofpeoplewhohaddescendedfromtheiraircraftintothemarblelobby.
Onebyone,eachpersonwascalledforward,interrogatedabouttheirintentions,andsentthroughtotheduty-freestoresontheotherside.Nashnoticedthestaresofsomeofthepeoplearoundhimandfeltconsciousofhiswhiteskin.Whileothersweremostlyshadesofgoldandoil,hestuckoutlikeasorethumb.
WasthishowKiranandherfriendsfelteveryday?
Thecustomsofficerglaredathimwithsomesuspicionashepassedthroughtheline,butwhenNashpulledhimselfuptofullheight,theofficerlethimthroughwithoutmuchfuss.
Immediatelyuponexitingthebuilding,hewasambushedbytaxidrivers.
“Sir!Sir!Taxi?Followme!”Anumberofdriversaccostedhim,attemptingtobuyouthisbusinessintheirluxurycars.
Taxistandseveryhundredfeetwereswarmedwithmorepeoplewhoweretryingtorentofficialcabs.Judgingbytheyellowupperhalfandblacklowerhalf,NashguessedtheseweretheequivalentoftheYellowCabsinNewYork.
PayalhadputahotelroomonhercreditcardforNash,usingherMarriottpoints.WhileNashhadtriedtofightheronit,shesaiditwasforloveandthatsheexpectedathank-youattheirweddingsomeday,arguinguntilNashgavein.She’dalsotoldhimtolookoutforacabdriverwithhisnameonacard.
Payalhadthoughtofeverything.
AsNashgotsweptawayinthecrowdofpeoplepouringoutoftheterminalandintothewaitingcrowd,hespottedasignheldbyaneatlydressedman.
N.HAWTHORNE.
“Howwasyourflight,sir?”askedthedriver.
“Itwasgood,”Nashsaid.“It’sdefinitelydifferenthere.”
Thedriver,namedMohammad,gavehimapolitesmileandnodded.
Smalltalkwasn’tmuchofathinghere,apparently.
MohammadledhimtoaneatHondaanddrovehimashortdistanceawayfromtheairporttotheJWMarriotthotel.WhenNashentered,theenormouslobbyremindedhimoftheplaceshe’dstayedintheUnitedStates,andimmediatelyhefeltlesslikeastrangerandmorelikeavacationer.
MaybethatwaswhatKiranmeant…thathe’dcenteredhimselfasanAmericaninhisviewoftheworldandassociateditwithgoodthings,ratherthanrecognizingthebeautyinothertraditions.
Itwasalready11:00p.m.,andNashcouldn’twaittohitthebedbeforehefoundKiraninthemorning.ChapterForty-Six
KIRAN
Kiranwasatthehospitalbyfiveinthemorningthoughthesurgerywasn’tscheduleduntileight.ShehadtossedandturnedwithdreamsofKirtiwhimperingthatshecouldn’tjointhemandMa’sshoutingofbrokenpromises.Sheneededamomentofsilencefromherownthoughts,andsheenteredthehospitalroom.Masnoozed,snoringquietly,onacotnexttothebed.
Kiransatintheotherchairandstaredatherparents.Ma’sloyaltywasadmirable.Shewantedalovelikethat—onewhereshecouldgotoalllengthsofdiscomforttoensurethatherpartnerwassafe.ShewonderedifsheandNashcouldhavehadthatbutbrushedthethoughtawayassheglancedatherparentsagain.Evenintheirsleep,BabaandMabreathedthesame.Theirlightsnoreswhistledinsymphony.
Atsixonthedot,Mastirred.ShelookedaroundandspottedKiran,whoclosedherKindlecoveronherlap.
“Whendidyougethere?”
“Justalittlewhileago.”
“Whathaveyoubeendoing?”
“Iwasreading.”
Manodded.“ThatusedtobeyouransweranytimeIaskedyouwhatyouweredoingwhenyouwereachild.”
Kiransmiled.“Youshouldgofreshenupandwashyourface,Ma.It’llbealongday.You’llwanttohavesomeenergy.I’llstaywithBabainthemeantime.”
Masaidnothingbutrose,pullingabagwithhertothewashroom.Whensheleft,Kiranstoodandsatonthespacenexttoherfather’ships.
“Baba,it’sme,”shewhisperedintohisearinHindi.“I’mhere.You’vebeensleepingformostofthelastfewdays.Idon’tknowifyou’veseenme.Ifyou’veknownI’mhere.ButIam.IflewbackbecauseIdidn’twantmylastwordsfromyoutobetellingmethatI’mdeadtoyou.Ididn’twantmylastmemoriesofmyparentstogethertobefightingwiththemandhangingupfromacrossanocean.Iwantyoutogointothissurgeryandfighthard.
“Youknow,whenIwaslittleandIgotabadgrade,IalwaystookithardwhenIdidn’tdowellonanexam.AndyouusedtotellmeIwasaMathur.Iaskedyouwhatthatmeant.YoutoldmeMathurmeantwewerelearnedwarriors.Baba,Iwouldn’thavebecomeeducatedifitwasn’tforallyougaveup.ButnowIneedyoutobethewarrior…Ipromiseifyoupullthrough,we’llgetthrougheverythingtogether.BecauseIfoundKirti.Andsheneedstoseeherbabatooandhearhimspeaktoheragain.Youhavegranddaughterswhowanttoseeyou.Ourfamilyhasbeenapartfortoolong.Andyouneedtocomebacktousforthattohappen.Youcan’tyellatmeifyoudon’twakeup.”Kirangiggledandchokedbackasob.“Comebacktous,Baba.Fighthard.”
Shekissedhisforehead.Maarrivedthen,clutchingasmallGaneshstatue—atwinstatueoftheoneKiranhousedatherapartmentintheStates.Shedidn’tletgoofitasthedoctorswheeledBaba’sbedoutoftheroomtoprephimforsurgery,silentlyfollowingthegroupwhilemurmuringprayersforherhusband.KiranheldontoBaba’shanduntilthelastpossiblesecond.
Justasshewasabouttoletgo,shesworeshefelthimsqueezeherfingers.
Then,theyweregone.
Thedoubledoorsclosedbehindthemwithafinalthud
Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.
ThesecondhandonthewaitingroomclockamplifiedthelongerKiranlistenedtoit.Silencecouldn’tcontinueanylonger,orshe’dlosehermind.
Overthelasttwohours,she’dpaced,performedherpositivethoughtritual,triedtoconvinceherselfthatBaba’shandsqueezewasadivinesignthatitwouldbeokay,toldherselfsheshouldquitherjobandmovebacktoIndia,andhadmentallywrittenherresignationlettertwelvedifferenttimes.
Itdidn’tmakethehoursgobyanyquicker.
Finally,pushedbeyondthebrinkofmentalexhaustion,sheploppedherselfbackintoawaiting-roomchairwithherhandsoverhereyestokeepouttheirritatingwhitefluorescencefromthelights.
Tick.Tock.
“Wheredidyougoyesterday?”Maaskedafteranotherhalfhourofsilence.
“I–Iwentandsawa…friend—”
“Yourfatherisinthehospital,andyouchosetoseeafriend?”Ma’svoiceroseanoctaveandadecibel.
“Shecametoseeme.”Athirdvoicerangoutintheroom.
Kirtistoodatthewaiting-roomdoorsinapale-bluesari.Herhairwaspulledintoaneatplait,andsheheldastrawbaginherhands,filledwithcanistersoffoodand,fromwhatKirancouldtell,afewextrasaris.
Ma’sjawdropped.Hereyesreddened,andsheblinkedrapidly,staringatKirtiasthoughshehadseenaghost.Evenherskinpaled.
“Ma,”Kirtiwhispered.
ElationsweptthroughKiran,whowantedtopranceintoKirti’sarms,crytearsofimpatienceandjoy,andthankherforcoming.ButthelookonherfaceandonMa’sforcedKirantoremainathirdpartyontheoutskirts.Shechosetostayhiddenfromthelineoffire.ThiswassomethingKirtineededtodoonherown.
Malookedlikeawomanabouttobethrownonapyre.Shestood.ShejerkedasifshewasgoingtosteptowardKirtiandhugherbutthenthoughtbetterofitandstoodback,graspingthebackrestoftheseatsotightherknucklesturnedwhite.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Maaskedquietly.
“KirantoldmeBabawashavingsurgery.Iwantedtobehere.”
“Youhaven’tbeenherefortwentyyears.”
“Whosefaultisthat?”Kiranchimedin.
“Kiran,”Kirtireprimandedandshookherhead,asiftosay,Peace,child,don’tloseyourtemper.ThentoMa,“I’mherenow.AndI’mnotgoinganywhere.”
Ma’sreddenedeyesdartedbetweenherdaughtersandtowardthedoor.Foramoment,Kiranwonderedifshewascontemplatingleavingherself.Butthenshesat.
Kirtisatacrossfromher.
“Kiran,whydon’tyougetsomechaiforus?”sherequestedkindly.
AsKiranshotaglancebehindher,thetwoladiesinherlifehadlockedeyesforthefirsttimeintwodecades.
Shewantedtogivethemtimetodiscussanythingtheywantedtogetofftheirchests.Asshetriedtofindthecanteentobuysomechai,Kirantraileddownanendlessmazeofhallways,conferencerooms,andcorridorsleadingtooutdoorgardens.Eventually,herwanderingbecamelessdeliberate,andshefoundherselfinthemainlobbyagain,lookingupatthevastexpanseoflightcastingdown.
Shewonderedwhytheroomsthemselvesweresodimlylitwhenthelobbyresembledthesurfaceofthesun,butshewastootiredtocontemplateitfurther.
Amurmurgrewinthecrowd,andKirannoticedafewpeoplepointinginawe.Mostofthemwerepoorer,dressedinshabbiersarisandtornpantsmarredbyyearsofdirtandgrime.Shefollowedtheirextendedfingers,andthelevelofexhaustionshehadhitfinallypeaked.
Standinginthemiddleofthewaitingroom,alleyesonthegorawhostoodaheadtallerthanmostofthepeoplesurroundinghim,wasNash.
Kiranblinkedtwice.Sheneededtosleepifherhallucinationswerethisvivid.Ithadbeenwelloverfivedayssinceshe’dgottenmorethantwohoursofrest,andthehospitalchairsweren’tdoingheranyfavors.Sheclosedhereyes,willinghermindtostopwiththeoveractivegamesandtopowerthroughafewmorehoursbeforeshecouldgohome.
“Kiran.”
Hereyesflewopen.
Hewasreallyhere.Disbelieffilledherchestashermouthdroppedopen.Hervisionwashazy,buthe’dstartedtakingstepstowardher.Kiranglancedattheothersaroundhertoseeiftheynoticedthewhiteboymovingthroughthelobby,andsureenough,manystaredathim,inaweofhispaleskin.
“Nash,”shemanagedbeforetakingarunningstart.
Sheleaptintohisarms,throwingherownaroundhisneck.Hepulledherrightoffherfeet,andoneofherlegsbenttoshiftherweightasshesankintohischest.
“Areyouokay?Isyourdadokay?”heasked,puttingherbackonthefloorandsearchingherface.
“He’shavingatriplebypassrightnow,”shecroakedout,wrungoutwithreliefatseeinghim.
“Youlookexhausted.Haveyouslept?”
Sheshookherhead.Theeffortwaslikeliftingaweightusingherneck.“I’vemostlybeenatthehospital.Igobacktotheapartmenttoshower…butManeedsme.Iwantedtobehere.”
Hebrushedhergreasyhairoffherface.“How’syourmom?”
“Amess.Wehaven’ttalkedmuch.It’sjust…”
Boringintoherweretheeyeballsoftheroom,andshegesturedtowardalesspopulatedhallway.Hefollowedherasshefoundanemptywaitingroom.
Closingthedoorbehindthem,shestoodnearhim.Theydidn’ttouch.Onlyinchesapart,Kiranmerelywantedtofeelhim,toknowthathewasbreathingthesameairandthathehadherbackonallthechaosblowingheroffcourse.Hewasherlighthouseinahurricanemovingtooquicklytokeepup.Shetriedtofocusonhisglowandanchorherselftohiminsteadofblowingaway.
“Kiran,lookatme.”Hetiltedherheadwithhisfingers,andtearsburnedhereyes.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Thequestiontumbledout.
“Iloveyou.”Hesaiditlikeitwasanexplanation,themostobviousofreasonsintheworld.HesaiditlikehewastellingsomeoneitwasTuesdayortograbanumbrellabecauseitwasrainingoutside.Obvious.Nonchalant.Simplythewayitwas.
“Butwhatareyoudoinghere?Youlivehalfaworldaway.Youhaveajob.”
“Iloveyou.Andyourfatherhadaheartattack.Youneededme.AndI’mhere.”
“Butyourclients—”
“Aretakencareof.Kiran,thereisnowhereIwouldratherbe.”
Shelookedintohisface,afaceshelovedmorethananyoneelse’sintheworld,andtheearnestnessinhisexpressionwastoomuchtotake.Tearswelledupinheralreadyheavyeyes.Shegulpedtocontainherself,toforcetheemotionsbackinside,butitwastoolate.Shereinedbackasobandwhimperedasitmadeitswayfromherbodyanyway.
“Shh,baby.”Nashwrappedhisarmsaroundherwaistandpulledherclose.
Kiranbreathedhimin.Hiscolognewasfresh.Shegrippedhisshirtandburiedherfaceinhischest,wishingshecouldfindahomeinhisheartandstaythere,protected.
TearskeptflowingoutofKiran,unleashingadelugeshe’dkeptbottledup.Nash’shandstrokedthetopofherhead,andhisfingersranupanddownherbacktoquelltheheavingsobs.Herestedhisheadonhers,kissingherforeheadeverynowandthenandallowingherthespacetofeelsomething.
Afteratime,thecriesdidn’tcomesoviolently,andshewasabletostepback,stillgraspinghisshirtsohewouldn’tfloattoofaraway.Sheclosedhereyes,adullachebehindthemandinsideherheadfromthetearsandthestressandnowthereliefofhavingsomeoneonherside.
“Doyouwanttogobacktothewaitingroomyourmomisin?”
“Kirtiistheretoo.”
Nash’seyeswidened.“Youfoundher?”
“Icouldn’tdoitanymore,Nash.Ididn’twantmyfamilytobeheldbackbythepastandcontinuetosuffer.Baba’slastwordstomewerethatIwasdeadtohim.Noonedeservesto…”Shecouldn’tsaytheworddie.ShewasafraidtheTatastudevas—thegodsMatoldheraboutwhenshewasgrowingupandwarnedherwerealwayslisteningtoherwordsinordertograntthem—wouldhearherandmakethemcometrue.
“Noonedeservestogointoalife-changingsituationwithouttheirchildrenbytheirside.Nochilddeservestofacetheprospectofacrisiswithouttheirparentsknowingtheirlove.”
“Youamazeme,”hemurmured.“Idon’tknowwhereyougetyourstrength,Kiran,oryourconvictionaboutthewaytheworldshouldbe…butI’msoproudofyouforfindingher.You’reright.ThepatientsI’veseenatthehospitalarealwaysregrettingwordsthatwereunsaidandbondsthatwerebroken.Yourfather—nofather—deservesthat.”
Hisexpressionchangedashesaidthosewords,likehewashavinganepiphanyofhisown.Shebroughthimcloseagain.Heheldherup.
“How’syourmomtakingallofthis?God,yourfamily’sdealingwithalotofmovingpartsrightnow.”
“They’veshouted.Beeninsilence.Scratchedmorewoundsintoeachother.ButIhopetheyfindtheirway.Ihopewealldo.”
“MaybeIshouldwaittomakeanappearance.Thisisn’tagoodtime.”
Kiranwantedtoargue,totellhimsheneededhimandthathispresencewouldbehelpful…butaquietvoiceinhersoultoldhertoagree.Thiswasn’tthetimetoambushMa.Kirtiwasenoughofashock.Babawasstillinsurgery.Thisdaywasalreadytoomuch.
Shenodded.“Whereareyoustaying?”
“IgotahotelroomattheMarriottneartheairport.Actually,Payalgotitforme.”
“Payal?”Kiranlookedathimquizzically.
“Apparentlyyourfriendsarefansofthesetup.”
Kirangiggledthroughhertearyeyes.“Gorest…I’llcallthehotelifanythingchanges.”
“I’llcomebythesecondyouneedme.”
Kirantrustedhisword.
“Nash.”
“What?”
Shewantedtoexpresshergratitude,tellhimthatshelovedhimandthathewaseverything—thatthistripmeanteverything—butshecouldn’tfindthewordstoaccuratelyconveythewaveofthankfulnessshehad.
Instead,shekissedhim.Hisfreehandrestedatthesmallofherback,justunderthehemofhershirt.Hertongueexploredhismouth,andherfingerstoyedwiththehaironthebackofhisheadasshebroughthisheadclosertohers,movingtogether.
Whentheypulledapart,theybothwerebreathless.Nash’slipsremainedmillimetersfromKiran’s,andshecouldstilltastehimonhers.Hishotbreathtickledherface,andshedidn’tmoveherhandsfromhischestandthebackofhishead,temptedinsteadtopullhimcloseagainandmakeupforlosttime.Herestedhisforeheadagainsthersandclosedhiseyes.
“Ifyoudothatagain,I’llneverleave,”hewhisperedtoher.
“Don’tleave,”Kiranwhisperedback.
“Okay.I’llstay.”
“Gogetsomerest.”
Hekissedherforehead.“I’llbeback.”
“I’llbewaiting.”
Astheylefttheroomandturnedinoppositedirections,Kiran’sheart,thoughstillheavy,wasunburdenedofoneweight.Beinglessaloneintheworldandknowingsomeonewasbehindhertocatchherifshefellservedasanantidotetoeverystress.ShestoppedatthecanteenonherwaybacktothewaitingroomwhereMaandKirtisat,pickinguptwochais.
Whensheenteredtheroom,MaandKirtiweresittinginchairsoppositeeachother.Neitherwaslookingattheother.Ma’sarmswerecrossed.Kirtistaredatthefloorasthoughshehopeditwouldopenup—butatraceofdeterminationcrossedherfaceasKiranwalkedin.Ma,ontheotherhand,wasunimpressed.
“Wheredidyougotogetthosechais—Hyderabad?”MasnappedasKiranwalkedin.
KiransilentlyhandedherachaiandofferedtheothertoKirti.
“Thanks,Chottu.”KirtiheldontoKiran’shandingratitude.
MalookedupatKiran’snickname,andhersightdriftedtoherdaughters’joinedhands.Herexpressionremainedneutral,butKiranwonderedifshe’dimaginedthesoftenedcornersofMa’seyes
“Howarethegirls?”Kiranasked.
“TheyunderstandthatIneedtobehere.Gautam—”
Magrimaced.
“—tookleavesothathecanspendtimewiththem.”
Kiransatnexttoher,crossingherlegsandrestingherchininherhands.“I’msureAnjaliaskedquestions.”
“Shewantedtoknowwhyshecouldn’tcome,butsheunderstoodwhenIsaiditwassomethingIhadtotakecareoffirst.”
“Ifyou’regoingtotalk,youmightaswelldoitoutloud.Secretsareunnecessary.Wearenumbtoyourdeceptionsnow.”
“Youhavetwogranddaughters.IwastellingKirantheyareathome.”
Matookasharpbreath.
Kirtireachedinherbagbuthesitated.Kirannudgedher,gesturingatitwithherchintoencourageher.Kirtipulledanenvelopeout.
“Ihavephotographsifyouwanttosee,Ma.”
Maconsideredit.Butherdecisionwasasplitsecondtooshortforittocomeoffasnonchalant.Shereachedoutherhandwithoutmeetingherdaughters’eyes,insteadglancingattheclockonthewall.
“TheolderoneisRadha.”Kirti’svoiceshook.“Sheiseighteenyearsold.TheyoungerisAnjali.She’snine.”
Maheldthephotographsgentlyinfrontofher,pullingthemclosertoherfacetoseethedetail.KiranwatchedherlipspartasshelingeredonAnjali’sfaceandthenRadha’s.Maranhernail-bittenfingersoverthephoto.
“ShelookslikeKiran.”Manotedtheresemblancesoquietlythatbothgirlshadtoleanintohearher.
“Shedoes.EverytimeIlookedather,fromthedayshewasborn,Inoticedthesameface.”Kirtipaused.“Inaway,seeinghergrowuphasgivenmepeace,becauseit’sbeenlikewatchingKiraninstead.”
Kiranturnedtohersister,surprised.“Ididn’tknowthat.”
“Whatisshelike?”Maasked.“And…Anjali.”Sayingtheirnameswasaneffort.Maswallowedandforcedherfaceintoanexpressionofneutrality.
“Radhaisserious.Verystudious.SometimesIthinkthatinmyattempttounderstandallherproblemsandbesupportive,shecaughtonthatIwastryingtomakeupfortheliesItold…theunderstandingIdidn’thave.She’sasmartchild.Anjalistillhasherinnocence.Shehasalotofenergy.”
“She’safirecracker.”Kiranlaughed.“Let’snotmincewords.”
“Sowereyou.Andlookhowyouturnedout.Ihavehighhopesforbothofthem.”
Malistenedinstonysilence.ThetripdownmemorylaneaboutKiran’schildhoodoughttohavebroughtMa’sproudmomentstotheforefront,butinstead,sherecededintohershell.Kirannotedthatevenafteronlyafewdays,shehadaged,andithadnothingtodowiththelackofsleeporthestress.Herhairwasthinnernow—onlyafractionofthethickmaneshesportedasKirtiandKirangrewup.Herredsariborefaintturmericstainsfromherlongdaysinthekitchen.HerskinhadfrecklesfromthetimeshespentinthesunwhensheworkedinthegardeninRamnagarbuthadgrownatranslucencethatcouldonlybeassociatedwithremainingindoorsinDelhi.Herheelswerecrackedfrombarefootdaysoncementfloors,andherfeet,withtheirunpaintedtoenails,wereswollennowfromsittingandwaitingforhours.
PerhapsKirtihadhopedforawarmerresponsetothementionofMa’sgranddaughters.Afterall,childrenmendedthemostdamagedfences.Somanymarriageshadbegunwithanimosity,onlytobesmoothedoveronceparentsbecamegrandparentsandnoticedtheirownchildrenexperiencingmotherhoodandfatherhoodforthefirsttime.Childrenwerethebearersofinnocenceandhope—andtheybroughtthosetoeventhedarkestofplaces.
Kirannoticedhersister’sshouldersfallaninchandaquietsighescapeher.Forthefirsttimethismorning,Kirtiwasdejected.MaandKirtihadresumedtheirgameofobservingtwohalvesoftheroomandactingasthoughtheotherwasn’toccupyingthesamespace.Anytimetheyappearedtolettheirgazefallonthesameimaginarylinebetweenthematthesametime,theirheadssnappedbacktofacingoppositedirections.
Anotherhourpassedinquiet.
“Excuseme,Mrs.Mathur?”Anursecamein.
Thethreeofthemroseandmetheratthedoor.
“Mydaughter.”MagesturedatKiran.ThenshesawKirti.“Daughters,”shecorrectedherself.Shesmackedherlipstogetherasthoughsheweretastinghowitsounded.
KirtiandKirantriednottosmile.
“Wehadacomplication—”Thenurse’swordssnappedtheirfocusintoplace.
“Whatcomplication?”Kiraninterrupted.
“Wearestillinsurgerywithyourfather.Itmaytakeafewmorehours.Thedoctorwillspeakwithyouafterward.”
Kiran’sheartfell.“Canyougivemesomedetails?”
“No,miss.UnfortunatelyIcannottellyouanyinformationasthesurgeryisstillgoingon.Wewantedtogiveyouthecourtesyforthesakeoftime.”
Kirannodded.Kirtireturnedtoherchair,dejected,andMastoodinthesamespotlongafterthenursehaddisappeared.
“Ma,please,sitdown,”Kiransoothed.“Wehavetowait.Keephope.”
Insilence,Masatonthechairnexttoher,fartherfromthetwoofthemandisolated.
Howmuchlongerwouldthisgo?
Kiranpulledherphonefromthepocket.Thenursesaidtherewasacomplicationandit’lltakeafewhours.Idon’tknowwhathappened.
Nashtextedbackimmediately,I’llbethereinabit.
Kiranbentherhead,finallyresigningherselftoclaspingherhandstogetherandrestingherforeheadonthem.Herelbowssatonherknees,andshetriedtoprayforstrength,forBaba’srecovery,foranyoneandanythingtohearwhatherfamilyhadtoaskfor.Kirtiglancedoverandrubbedherbacksoothingly,herownchininherotherhand.
WhenMaspokeafterahalfhourofquiet,bothgirlsstartled.
“Foryears,IhadhopedIwouldsomedayseethetwoofyouholdinghandsandbeingsisters,”Masaidquietly,notliftinghereyes.“Noonedeservestolosetheirdaughter.Sistersshouldalwaysbeclose.”
“Ma?”Kiranwasn’tsureshehadheardhermothercorrectly.
“WhenIfirstgavebirthtoKirti,theentirevillagefilledupwithhercries,”Marecalled.Theexpressiononherfacewasamillionmilesaway.“Shehadsuchasetoflungs.Shewasonlyafewhoursoldwhenthejyotishwasbroughttocastherhoroscope.Hesaid,‘Thischildwillbeyourfame,yourkirti.Shewillbringyournamefarandwidewithherkindness.Andtherewillbetwoofyourchildren,bothdestinedtochangelives.’
“WewaitedandwaitedforKiran’sbirth,butittookmuchlongerthanexpected.Whenwefinallyfoundoutwewereexpectinganother,Kirtiwasalreadyfifteenyearsold.Atthatpoint,yourbaba’sparentshadpassedaway,andIonlyhadmyfatherleftandhewasunhealthy.Wedesperatelywantedaboy.Everyjyotishwasdraggedtoourhome.AnyswamijiorrishiwhopassedthroughRamnagarwasaskedtomakeastopatourhouse.Eachandeveryoneofthemtolduswewouldbeblessedwithaboytocarryonournameandtobringlight.Imagineoursurprisewhen,atthecrackofdawn,wehadanotherbabygirl.Acalmchildwhohardlycriedandgazedatuswitheyesthatsawintooursouls.
“Likewe’ddonewithKirti,ajyotishcastthehoroscope.Hesaidthischildwouldbeourrayoflight.That’swhyyouwerenamed‘Kiran.’HesaidyouwerebornatthemostauspiciousmomentasthesuncameupandthatlikeSuryadev,youwouldbebrilliantatallyoutouched.Yourfatherwasquiet.Idon’tknowifhewasdisappointedthatwehadagirlorworriedaboutourfuture.Hesaidnothing.Heescortedtheastrologeroutofthehouse,andhewasgoneforafewminutes.
“Whenhereturned,hetoldme,‘Itdoesn’tmatterthatwedon’thaveason.Wedon’thavetotryagain.Wehaveourgloryandourlight,andthisisenough.Weweretoldtheywouldbringusboththesethings,andthat’sallweneed.Let’strustGod.Thischildwillhavethefreedominlifetopursueanythingshechooses,justlikeaboywouldhave.’Itscaredme.Howcouldweletourgirlshavesomanythingswhenwecouldn’taffordanythingourselves?ButItrustedyourbabaandwhathewassaying.ItrustedGod.ThatwaswhyKirtiwasallowedtogotoclassesandwhy,Kiran,youweregrantedthepermissiontostudyoutsideRamnagarandDelhi.Itwasyourbabawhodecidedthatyoushouldnotbeheldback.
“AndKirti’skindnesswasallthegloryweneededasKirangrewup.Everyday,anotherauntywouldtellmeastoryofhowsheneededhelpchoosingvegetablesorbringingthemhome,andKirtiwouldbethefirsttoassist.Bythetimeyouwerenineteenortwenty,Kirti,Ineverhadtoliftafingerbeforeyou’dalreadydonethetasksatthehouseformeandtwelveothersfortheneighbors.IrememberonceIwenttopickupjeerafromthespicevendor,andwhenIreturned,youhadwashedandhungallthelaundry,finishedalessonwithKiran,cutvegetablesforChaudryAuntynextdoorwhenherarthritishurt,anddonetheeveningsweepofthefloor.AndwhenIenteredthehouse,youaskedifII’dhadalongday.Youweremyrighthand.Andthenyouweregone.”
“Youlethergo,Ma…Howcouldyoulethergo?”
“Weworriedaboutyourfuturetoo,Kiran.Wecouldn’tmoveaway.WeknewGautamwouldtakecareofKirti—ourresponsibilitiesasherparentswerefinishedwithherwhenwegothermarried.It’sourculture.SheisamemberofGautam’shouse.Andwetriedtoprotectbothofyoufromthebruntofpeople’sopinionsbylettingherliveherlife,separatelybutsafely.Butwestillhadresponsibilitiestowardyou.Youweresolittle.”
Kiranwastornbetweensympathyforhermother’splightandresidualanger.Kirtihadn’tspoken,soakinginhermother’swords.
“Youwerewrong,”shesaidquietly.“Ma,Iwaswrongtoo.Inevershouldhavethreatenedtorunaway.YouwererightthatGautamwouldgivemeagoodlife.Butitwasalonelyone.Wehadnoonetosupportourdecisions.Hisparentsgotillanddiedsoonafterourwedding.Mydaughtersgrewupwithoutgrandparentsandwithouttheirmasi.”
“LosingKirantoherAmericanwayswaslikelosingmylefthand.Suddenlysheleftallthethingswetaughtherbehindanddecidedtoputherselffirst,”Masaidsoftly.“Iamhelpless.Now,ifyourbaba…Iamalone.”
KiranwipedherfacewiththebackofherhandasKirtididthesamewithherpallu.“Ma,youaren’talone.We’rerighthere.Wehaveachancetorewriteeverything!Wedon’tliveinRamnagaranymore.Wecanmoveforward.”
“Howdoyoucatchupontwodecades?”
“Bynotlookingback.We’velostenoughtime,”Kirtisaid.
Magazedatherdaughters,consideringtheweightofwhatthey’dsaid.Theyweretogetheratlast.Herdreamshadcometrue.Shehadtoactnowandputthepastbehindthem.ButKiranknewthathistorycouldweigheventhelightestofpeopledown,andshewasafraidMawouldgiveintodamageandcallitirreversible.
BeforeMahadachancetorespond,however,adoctorarrived.
“CanIspeaktothepersoninchargeofMr.Mathur’smedicaldecisions?”
“That’sme,”Kiransaid.
“Ma’am,canIspeaktoyouinprivate?”Theman,evidentlyastudent,lookedatKirtiandMaintheirsarisandfidgeteduncomfortably.“Perhapswecanstepintoahallwayanddiscussyourfather’scondition.”
Kirannoddedandthenlookedathersisterandmother.“I’llberightback.Hewantstotalkaboutthesurgery.Letmefindoutwhat’sgoingon,andI’llbebacktoletyouknow.”
Theybothnodded,worriedlooksontheirfacesastheylethergo.Kiranfollowedthedoctordownthehallway,catchinganenteringNash’seyeasshepassedthemainlobby.Nashimmediatelyfollowed.Thedoctorknockedonanumberofdoorstoconferencerooms,butallwereoccupied.Instead,heledhertoaquietpartofthehallwaywhereonlyanorderlystood,foldingbedsheets.
“Isthisman…”Theresidentfaltered
“He’swithourfamily.Pleasespeak,”Kiranordered.
“Ma’am…heflatlined…”ChapterForty-Seven
NASH
Nashhadn’tunderstoodwhatBrandonmeantaboutdoctorsbeingbrazenuntilthemomentthecardiologistinIndiatoldthemKiran’sfatherhadpassedaway.Nashknewfromfirsthandexperiencethathospitalstaffdistancedthemselvesfromcrisessotheywouldn’ttakethetragedieshome…butwhataboutthefamiliesthemselves?Theyhadtogotoemptyhomes.
NashcouldreadKiran’sdevastationinhereyes.Howwouldhermothergohomewithoutherfather?
Butthedoctorcontinuedspeaking,andittookconcentrationtorecognizehismisguidedattemptsatexplainingwhattheendgamewas.
“Ma’am,therewasanunexpectedcomplication…Heflatlined—”
“Ishealive?”Nashasked.
“Yes,sir.Hegaveusascare,butheisinrecovery.Wewillseeforthenextthreedayshowhedoesandthencontinuetomonitorhim.”
“Mydadisalive?”Kiran’svoiceemittedacry,laugh,andsighofreliefallatonce.
“Yes,ma’am,”thedoctorsaid,relieffloodinghisvoicethathismessagehadbeenheard.“Anursewillalertyouwhenhewakes.”
Thedoctorlefttheroom.
KiranglancedupatNash,exhaustioninhereyesandjoyonherface.Nashkissedheragain.
“Hemadeit,baby.Hemadeit.”
Kiranleanedagainstthedoorofthetinywaitingroomandsliddownit,rubbinghersleep-deprivedeyeswithherpalms.Hershouldersdroppedinrelief,likeatsunamiwave.
Nashboltedtoherside.“Kiran,comehere,”hesaidsoftlyashisarmsfoundtheirwayaroundhershoulders.“It’sokay.”
Kirancriedintohisshoulderforanotherfiveminutes.Nashletherpouroutthetensionshe’dbeenfeeling—forhersister,forhermother,forherentirefamilyandtheyearsthey’dlost.Thiswasfarmorethanaphysicalvictoryforherfather.Nashknewitwasavictoryforallofthem.
“Hemadeit.He’saMathur,baby.Whatdidyouexpect?”Nashmurmured.
Kiranlookedupathimsuddenlyashereyeswidened.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
“Isaid‘He’saMathur.’”
ToNash’sslightbewilderment,Kiranlaughedandthrewherarmsaroundhisneck,pullinghimstraighttothefloornexttoher.
“Iloveyou,”shesaidtohim.
Nashfelthismouthfallopen,caughtoffguardbytheemotionalweightofthemoment,butshespokeagain.
“Yousaidyoulovedmewhenyougothere…andIloveyoutoo,Nash,somuch.”
Nashleaneddownandkissedhersoftly,gentlysuckingonherbottomlip.Shegaspedandpulledathimhungrily.Hersoundsofwantinghimturnedhimon,andhehadtoforcehimselftogetup.
“Let’sgo,baby.Youhavetotellyourmomandsisterthatyourdad’scominghome.I’llbeatthehotel…Meetmetherewhenyou’reableto.”
Kiranwipedhereyes,givinghimonemorehug.
Shelefttomeetherfamily,andNashwalkedthroughthelobbytofindMohammadagain.Hewantedtogetbacktothehotel—hehadanemailtowrite.ChapterForty-Eight
KIRAN
WhenshebrokethenewstoMa,Macollapsedinachair,weepingoverherGaneshstatue.Kirtijoinedin,sinkingtothefloornearMa’sfeet.Slowly,Ma’shandsfoundtheirwaytoKirti’shead,strokingherhairasshecriedintoherlap.Whileitwasn’taverbalacknowledgmentthatthepastwasinthepast,thesightofMa’smotherlyactionandKirtibecomingachildagainwastoomuchforKirantobear.Tearsstreameddownhercheeks.
“Let’sgoseeBaba,”sheoffered.
Mawentinfirst,spendingtenminutesinsidetheroomalonewithBababeforecomingoutagainandsignalingforKirantotakeherplace.
“He’sgroggy,”Mawarned.
Kiranapproachedthebedtentatively,steppinglightlyonhertiptoessoshewouldn’tdisturbhimandwakehimprematurely.
Withinaminuteortwo,Baba’seyelashesfluttered,andhelookedaroundtheroom.HispupilsfocusedonKiran’sface,andhiseyebrowsliftedasherecognizedherforthefirsttimeinthreedays.
“Kiran.”
Shehadneverbeensohappytohearhermoniker.TakingBaba’shand,shekisseditgently,repeatinghisnameuntilhewasabletospeak.
“Mainetumharibaathonkosunliya,”Babacroakedout.
Kiran’sheartleapt.Iheardyouspeak.Shewantedtoaskquestions,butBaba’slipsparted,andshesilencedherself,willingtostayquietforeverifitmeantshegottohearherfatherspeakagain.
“Ihavegranddaughters.”
ChillsranupanddownKiran’sarms,asthoughsomeonetrailedafeatheronherskin.Sheheldontohishands,hisclaspaweakbutdeterminedone.Howhadheknown?
“YoubroughtKirti,”hemumbled.
“Yes.”Kiranhalflaughed,halfsobbed.“Kirtiishere.Maishere.We’reallhere.We’resohappyyoufoughtthrough,Baba.Ipromiseyoucanyellatmeallyouwant,andI’llhangoneveryword.”Shekissedhishandagain.
BabatookhishandandpattedKiran’sheadassherestedherownnexttohisshoulderandcried.Heletherweepwithreliefforafewmoments.Whenhespoke,Kiranwasconvincedtheuniversehadheardher,listenedtoher,arrangedtheworldtocarryher,andinsistedonbringingherfamilytogether.
“Wehadprayedforaboy.Ineededsomeonetoruntheshop.YourmaandIthoughtitwouldbringbalancetoourfamilytohaveagirlandaboy.Weperformedpoojas,andyourauntiesinRamnagarwereconvincedbasedonwhereMa’sbellysatthatshewouldhaveastrongandhealthymalechild.”
Kirandrewinasharpintakeofbreath.Itwasasthoughheknewallthathehadmissedwhilehewasfloatingbetweenlifeanddeath.
Babapausedforafewmoments,breathinginandoutsteadily.
“Butwhenyouwereborn,Isworeyouknewweweredisappointedandyoustayedsocalm.Youheldmyfingerssotightly,asiftoshowmethatyoutoohadstrength.AsIwalkedtheastrologertothedoor,hetoldmeyouwouldbringthebrillianceoftensons…thatyouwouldseetheworldandlightours.HegavemeawarningthatfamewasnotalwayspositivebutthatitwasGod’splantoturnitintoalesson.Andhetoldmenottofearanyobstacles.Youwouldbetheonetouniteourfamily.Intimesofdarkness,Kiran,youwouldbeourlight.You,beta,areoneoftwoofmygreatestjoys.AndIamsorrythatIspokeinanger.IamsorryIdidnothavefaithinyouorinyoursister.”Baba’seyeswerered.
Kiranshookherhead,dismissinghisfears.“Ididn’twanttomakeyouupset.Ishouldn’thavebeensocarelesswithmywords.”
“Parentsarewrongsometimes.Youshineyourlightonourmistakes.”Hepattedherhand.
“You’remylighttoo,Baba,”shewhispered,andforwhatfeltlikethethirtiethtimetoday,shecriedtearsofjoy.Epilogue
Nashsatwithhislaptoponhislegs,stretchedoutonthebedinhishotelroom.
Hi,Kirk.Delete.
Dad.Delete.
Finally,hebitthebulletanddecidedtospeakfromtheheart.Thiswashisbiggesturetohisdad.
DearKirk,
IwantedtocallyouDad,butI’mstillstrugglingwiththat.IimagineIwillforawhile…butIdidwanttothankyouforyouradvice.Youtoldmethatyouhadn’tfoughthardenoughforMom.Sheneverknewhowmuchyoulovedher.Andbecauseofyourregrets,you’dmissedoutonalifeyouwishedyouhad.
IdecidedtodemonstrateabiggesturetoKiranandflewtoIndiatobewithherwhenherfatherhadaheartattackafewdaysago.She’smineagain.IguessIhaveyoutothankforthat.
Allmylife,Ididn’twanttobelikeyouandMombecauseIwasafraidofwhatthatmeant.Butpeoplearecomplicated,andasIwatchmygirlfriendreunitewithherfamily,Irealizehowmanylayerspeoplehavetotheactionstheychoose.Eventhispsychologistneverappreciatedituntilnow.
WhenKiranwasupsetaboutherfather,shementionedthatnoparentdeservedtofaceacrisiswithoutknowinghowmuchtheirchildlovedthem.Ihadrespondedthatnofatherdeservedtoregretbondsthatwerebrokenorwordsthatwereunsaid.AndIrealizethatifIdon’tgiveyouthatchance,Iwillbeahypocrite.I’llbedenyingyouyourbiggesturetome,writingtomeatallandbeingwillingtomeetup.
Ican’tpromiseyouacloserelationshiprightnow.Ican’tvouchforanything,otherthangivingthisafairchance…givingyouafairchance.Andifyouwantforgiveness,thenyouhaveit.
Nash
AshehittheSendbutton,hewasfilledwithapeacehehadn’texperiencedbefore.
Itwasstrangehowlifelinkedtogether.ThelessonsheandKiranwerelearningwerebeingtaughtsimultaneously,acrosscultures,acrosscountries,acrosstheglobe.Theirparentshadtaughtthemfarmorethantheygavethemcreditfor.
Nashhadneverthoughthe’dbeabletocreditfamilyfortheexperienceshe’dhadinthelastfewmonths.
Pickingupthephone,hecalledAuntKate.
“Nashy!You’reinIndia?”Katecriedoutwhenhegreetedherandtoldhernottoworry.
“Yeah,inNewDelhi,believeitornot.”
“Whatpromptedthat?”Curiosityfilledhertone.
“KirkHawthornecomingtotownandsomehowinfluencingmetofightforwhatIlove.”
“Really?”AuntKate’svoicehadatingeofknowingwisdomtoit.
“Ofthemanythingshewasn’ttherefor,atleasthegavemetheideatocomebewithKiran.”
“Howisshedoing?”
“Reallygood.Herfatherhadaheartattackandhadtogotosurgery.Buthe’ssurvived.Shefoundhersister.Herfamilyistogether.It’sreallygood,”Nashsaidagain.
“Andhowareyou,afterallyou’vebeenthrough?Niceworkongettingsuspendedbytheway.ItwaslovelytofindthatoutfromBrandon.”
Nashlaughedsheepishly.“Sorry…Iwasn’tinagoodplace.”
“Ican’tblameyou.Itwasalittlebitofacircus.”
TherewasKate…neverhidingwhatshethought.“You’reright.Butit’sbetternow.I’mgoingtogiveKirkachance.Wemissedenoughtime…andnoneofusdeservestohaveregrets.AndKiranandIaretogetheragain.”
“I’msohappytohearthat,Nashy.Itsoundslikethere’sbeenalotofreunitinginthelastfewdays.”
Nashgrinnedintothephone,struckbytheaccuracyofherwords.“Therehasbeen.There’vebeenalotofbeginnings,andI’mlookingforwardtoseeinghowtheyplayout.”
***
“AndtheyinvitedGautamJijajiandthegirlstothehouseforthefirsttimewhenBabagetsreleased.”
“That’sgreat,Kiran.Icouldn’tbehappierforyou.”Nashsqueezedherhandasshesatacrossfromhim.
“Icouldn’thavedonethiswithoutyou.Knowingyouwerethere…knowingIhadyou.Nash,Iwillneverbeabletorepayyouforallyou’vedoneforme.”
“Ididn’tdoanything.Youdidityourself.”
“Youwerehere.Youflewacrosstheworldforme.”
“Itwasonmylist.”
“Iknewit!”Kiranlaughed.
“Kiran,Iaminlovewithyou.Iknowthatbeinghereprobablybringsthesituationevenclosertoyounow…andIknowthatwhenwegoback,maybeyou’lldecidenottobewithme.Somuchhashappenedinthelastfewweekswithbothofourlives,andnowthatit’scalmeddown,maybeyoufeeldifferently.ButGod,Iamsoinlovewithyou,andIwillbehereforyouforever.Idon’tcarewhatthatmeans—friendship.Boyfriend.Husband.Neighbor.Whatever.I’mhereforallofit.”
Inthatmoment,aflashingrevelationoccurredtoherthatallofthiswaswrong—notjustthetypeoffeelingyougetwhensomethingdoesn’tsitrightinyourgutbutfundamentallyagainstthewaytheworldissupposedtoturn.
Shewasn’tsupposedtobeawayfromhim.
HowexactlywasshesupposedtoconvinceherheartthatNashwasn’tmeantforher?Anyofthemillionreasonsshehadnottobewithhim—hewasAmerican,hisupbringingwassodifferentfromhers,herparentswouldn’tfeelcomfortable,herfather’sheartwasalreadyweak—allsoundedlikeherbrainrecitingthelawsofthermodynamics.Monotone.Memorized.Dutiful.
Andforonce,thelawsdidn’thavetomakesenseforhertoknowwhatwasright.
Ontheweightedscaleoflife,thesupportforhimdidn’texist.Kiran’sculture,family,andallelsewouldtakethebalancetothegroundinamillisecond.Hissidewouldhangintheair,noweighttoitatall.Butherheart,whenplaceduponthescale,wouldbreakittopieceswiththeresolutionitcarriedtoday.
Therewasnogoingback.Shewassettingherselffreefromthepast.
“No,Nash.Iamyours.AndIwillfightforyouifthat’swhatittakes.”
Nash’sfacelitup,likesomeonehadignitedafireinthepitchblack.Hestaredatherinwonder,andbeforesheknewit,hehadpinnedherdownonthebed.
“You’remine,huh?”
Kiranlaughed,hereyesdroopinginsleepiness.“I’myours.I’msosorrythatIeverdoubtedit.”
“Well,then…beforeyousleepuntilnextweek,whydon’tweprovethat?”
Thesightofhistousledhaircalledforherfingertipstorunthroughit,andhislipssotantalizinglycloseweretheonlytriggerssheneededtopullhimcloseandbringherlipstohis.
Kiran’sarmsrestedonthebackofNash’sneckashemoldedhislipstohers.Thetipofhistongueslidgentlyacrossthemiddleofherbottomlipandsentfluttersdeepintoherbelly.
Herfingertipstracedhisback,slidingunderneathhisshirtandleavingatrailuphisspine.Nashgroaned,andshefeltthegoosebumpsriseonhisskin.
Foronce,Kiranwasn’tfearful.Instead,shegotlostintheoceanicdepthsofhiseyesandletherselffeelunanchoredfromtheworld.
“So…yousaidyouweresorry.”Nash’svoicegrewdeeper.
“Iam.Youwererightaboutus.”
“Howsorry?”Heraisedaneyebrow.
Inaflash,theywerewrappedupineachother.Hisstrongarmsliftedherweightasherhungrylipsdevouredhis.Shewrappedherlegsaroundhim,herfingersstrokingthestubbleonhischeeksandcuppinghisfaceasshekissedhimoverandover.
Kiranranherfingersthroughhishair,feelingthesofttexturebetweenherknucklesandthankingherluckystarsinwonderthatNashhadbeensenttoherandthattheycouldbetogether.
Nothingcouldtouchthemnow,andnothingeverwould.
***
Hisfaintheartbeatthumpedagainstherheadrestingonhisbarechest.Kiran’shairfannedoutbehindher,drapingoverNash’sshoulder.Thewhitecomfortertuckedunderneathherarms,cocooningtheirbodyheatandcreatingasparklingsheenofsweatontheirskintoaddtothesaltytasteithadacquiredfromtheirexertionsearlierthatevening.
“Tellmeasecret,”shemurmured.Shetracedacircleunderhisnipple,acrosshisribs.
“Likewhat?”Hisvoicewasrougher,fightingtheurgetogroanathertouch.
“Anything.”Sheproppedherchinontothebackofherhandandstaredupathim.
Hegazedather,atwinkleinhiseye,andsearchedforananswer.“Iloveyou.”
Amused,shegazedintohiseyeswithasoftsmileatherlips.“Iloveyoutoo.”
Thosethreewordswouldnevergetold.
“Thisfeelssurreal,”NashmurmuredashetracedcirclesonKiran’sbareback.
“We’reinIndia,”Kiransaidindisbelief.
“Ourfamiliesaretogetheragain.”
NashhadfilledherinonmeetingKirk,andKiranhadgasped.
“Waytoburythelede!Ihadnoideayougotaletter!”
“Well,youbrokeupwithmewhenIwasdealingwithit…”Nashshrugged.
“I’msorry.”Kiran’smouthfell.
“We’retogethernow.”Nashkissedhersothepoutwoulddisappear.
“Youknow,Ineverrealizedhowmuchourfamiliesinfluencehowwelove…”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“IwasalwaysafraidtolovewholeheartedlybecauseDidihadfalleninlove,andthentherewassomuchpainallaround.Myparentshadtocuttheirtieswithher.Butnowwe’retogetheragain.Andhopefully,ourstorywon’tbearepeatoftwentyyearsago.”
“Iguessyou’reright,”Nashsaidthoughtfully.“Ihadalwaysfearedbecomingmymother.Iknewaddictionwasadisease.Iknewshetriedtowinagainstit.ButadmittingthatmymomhadessentiallychosendrugsovermeandthatIdidn’tcatchherhabits…Therewassomuchguiltthere,andheartbreakandthefeelingofneverbeingchosen.Especiallybecausemydadlefttoo.”
“Nowhe’sback,”Kiransaid,restingherheadonhischest.
“Heis.Iwassoangry.Hesaidthatwhenhehadcancer,hisbiggestregretwasleavingmeandnevermakingthebiggesturewithmymom,whoheloved.”
“Howdidyoufeelaboutthat?”
“It’shard,youknow?I’mangry.Likemostofmylife,Ididn’twanttobehim.ButIthinkbycominghere,byadmittingIstillwantedyou,byfightingforus…I’malreadydifferent.”
“Byflyinghereforme?”Kiransmiled
“Exactly.AndIthinkyourdadprobablyrealizedthattoowhilehewasinthehospital.Hewasonthebrinkofdeath…Hewasn’tthinkingaboutallthegreatthingshedidinlife.Hemissedyouandyoursister.”
“Soyou’resayingwe’vetriednottorepeattheirmistakes,andthey’verealizedthattheyloveusdespitethem?”
“Yeah,Iguessso,”Nashsaid.
“Ifindthatcomforting,”whisperedKiran.Shewrappedherarmaroundhim.
Hepulledherclose,restinghisheadonthetopofhersandbreathinginhersweet,muskysmell.
“Youknow…Idotoo.”
“So…whatreallymadeyoudecidetocomehere?Wasitbecauseyoudidn’twanttobelikeyourdad?”
Nashsmiled.“No.”
Hetossedthecoversoffhimselfandwenttohisbackpack,unzippingapocketandpullingoutthenowcrumpled,travel-wornlist.
“ItwassoIcouldgiveyoubackthis.”Hehandedherthenote.
Recognitiondawnedinhereyesasshestaredatthelistinherhands.
“Howdidyou—?”
“Andalso,soIcouldgiveyouthis.”
Hehandedherhisownpieceofstationery.
NashfeltagentlestingbehindhiseyesasKiranstudiedhislist,herlipspartingashereyesrestedonthefinalitem.
FALLINLOVE.
Shegrinnedandleaptintohisarms,kissinghimhardandwrappingherlegsaroundhim.Nashhadneverbeensohappy.Itwasthankstothisgirl,thisballofenergyrestinginhisarms,thathehadbeenabletocrossthatitemoff.
***
WhileNashslippedintotheshower,KiranturnedonhiscomputerandloggedintoSkype.Hopingtheconnectionwouldhold,shepressedthebuttontocallPayal.
“Kiran!Kiran,Jesus,iseverythingokay?Areyouokay?Wait.Ineedtogettheothersonaconference.”
Twominuteslater,itwasasthoughSonam,Akash,Payal,andKiranweretogetheratacoffeeshop,thoughitwasmidnightinIndiaandtwointheafternooninNewYorkCity.Sonamwasevensippingcoffee,tobringtheimagerytolife.
“So?Whathappened?”Akashasked,frowning.“Tellusaboutyourdad.”
Kirandid.Shesparednodetail,recountinghermother’spartingwordsasshereturnedhome,theshockoffindingoutBabahadtoreceiveatriplebypasssurgery—“Whatdoyoumeantheydon’thaveprotocolsinplaceforthosewithoutmoney?”demandedSonam—andcomingtothedecisiontofindKirti.
“What’sshelike?”Payalaskedwithcuriosity.
Kirannotedherwideeyeshungryfordetailsaboutalong-lostsister,reunionsalongtimecoming,andlovesharedbetweenafamily.“JustlikeIrememberedher…butmagnifiedbecausenowit’snotamemory.She’sreal.She’skind.She’samom.Ihavetwonieces.Oneofthemlookslikeme.”
Payalgasped,andSonamandAkashgrinnedatthegoofysmileonKiran’sface.
“We’reproudofyou,youknow,”Sonamsaid.“Ittakesballstochallengewhatyouwereraisedwith.Andyoudiditwithgraceanddignity,likeweknewyouwouldbutprobablyevenmorethanweeverdreamed.”
“You’reafuckingbadass,”Akashsaid.“Howisyourfamilyhandlingitnow?”
“I’mnotsure,”Kiranadmitted.“There’sbeenalotofarguingandalotofcrying.ButtoseemymotherfilledwithanykindoflifeisatransformationfromwhatIgrewupwith.Andtruthfully,I’dratherhavemyfamilyshoutingwithmysistertherethanhaveavoidwhereweknowsheshouldbe.”
“Ican’timaginewhatthatmustfeellike,”Payalsaid.“Tobeseparatedandthencomingbacktogether.It’sbeautiful.”
“It’ssomething.”Kiranlaughed.“NowtohandleNash…”
“Sotellmesomething.ThewhiteboyshowsupinIndiawhenyouwouldn’tletuscome.Heliterallyflewacrosstheworldtobewithyouandsupportyouduringyourtimeofneed,andyou’restilltalkingabout‘handling’him?”Payalaskedincredulously.
“Payal,yousaidIshouldhavewalkedaway!”
“Untilheknockeditoutoftheparkandprovedthatyou’llneverfindthatkindofloyaltyeveragain!”Sonaminterrupted.“Yourchoicewasunderstandableatfirst.Butheplayedamovesospectacular,you’recheckmatedforlife.Ifyouwalkawaynow,Kiran,Idon’tknowifwecansupportthat.”
“Fightforhim,Kiran.”WithAkash’sinput,thevotewasunanimous.
“Youguys?”
“What?”theyallansweredinunison.
“Iwasnevergoingtowalkaway.IwasjusttryingtofigureoutwhenIshouldintroducehim—noworlater.I’mhis.Noquestion.”
Andtothat,theyallcheered.
***
“I’malittlenervous,”Nashconfessedinthecaronthewaytothehospital.
“Metoo,”Kiranreplied.
“That’snotcomforting!You’resupposedtobesureofyourself.”
“Iamsureofmyself.I’msureIwanttobewithyou.I’mnotsurehowthey’llreacttothat.”
Nashrolledhiseyes,andKirangavehishandaplayfulsqueeze.
Nash’ssuspensionwouldendintwodays,andhewasflyingbacklatetonight.Kiranwouldfollowonceherfatherwassettledbackinathome.Butonethingremainedtobedone:NashwasgoingtomeetKiran’sfamily.
“Areyousurethisisagoodidea?”Nashaskedagain.
“I’msure,”Kiransaidconfidently.“It’sbecauseofyouthathe’sgottenthecareheneeds.”
Nashhadcometothehospitalandremainedinthelobby,helpingtonavigateKiran’sfather’scarewithhertothebestofhisabilities,makingcallstocolleaguesintheUnitedStatesandfriendswhopracticedmedicineforsecondandthirdopinions.
“Iwouldn’tgothatfar,”Nashsmiled.
“Yoursupportwaseverything.”Kiransqueezedhishandagain.
Kirtimettheminthelobbyfirst,flankedbyGautamandthegirls.
“Didi,what’reyoudoinghere?”
“Ifwe’regoingintotalktoourparentsaboutalovematch,you’dthinkIwastheexpert,wouldn’tyou?”Kirtiaskedherlittlesister.HerEnglishwasfluent,thoughheavilyaccentedincomparisontoKiran’s.
Kirangiggled.“You’retheoldersister.IguessI’llfollowyourlead.”
NashgazedatKiran,awedatthewayshetookdirectionfromhersisterandthewaysheimmediatelyfellintotheroleofayoungersibling.Afterwitnessinghertakecharge,watchingherbebabiedwasanewexperienceforhimandonehelovedtosee.
“Nash.It’ssonicetomeetthemanwhoinsistedmyfatherreceivebettercare.”Kirtishookhishand,andGautamfollowed.
“CanItouchyourhair?”askedAnjali,whohadneverseenawhitepersonwithstraighthairinherlife.
Nashbellowedlaughteratherquestionandleanedover,chucklingassheranhersmallhandsoverhishead.
“Oh.Itonlylooksgold.”Anjali’sfacefell.
“Tragically,itisonlyhair,notgold,”Nashsaid.“Yours,however,isfarmoreimpressive.”
Anjali’stwolongplaitswereloopedaroundandtiedwithribbonsinauniquehairdoNashhadneverseenbefore,butKiran’seyesregisteredafamiliarity,likerecognizinganoldfriend.
NashwasledbythesmallcaravanofMathurfamilymembersintoMr.Mathur’shospitalroom.
“Ma,Baba…”KiranstartedinHindi.
Nashcaughthisnameandputhishandstogetherathischestinanamaste.Kiran’smotherreciprocatedthegesturewhilelettinghereyesfallovereveryinchofhim.
Shewasashorterwomanwithstrongfeatures,muchlikeKiran’s.Hergazewaspiercing,andifitcouldbetranslatedintoanattitude,thenNashknewexactlywhereKirangothers.
WhileKiran’sfatherwasstillinahospitalbed,hereachedouthishand.KirangesturedforNashtogoandtakeit
“TumereKirankogharlaaye.”
Kiran’sfatherexpressedanemotionthatNashdidn’tneedtobetranslatedtounderstand.Hewasthankful.
Kiranwipedathereyes.“Hesaysyoubroughtmehome.”
“Wanttotellhimsomethingforme?”Nashasked.
“Sure.”
“Tellhimwhereveryouareishometome.”
Kirantranslatedthecomment,gazingatNash’sfacetheentiretime.Herfatherwatchedthetwoofthem,hisfacecontemplative,ashenodded.Nashwasn’tsurewhetherhewasbeingaccepted,buthehadafeelingthathewasatleastbeingconsidered.Fornow,thatwasallhecouldaskfor.
Hermotherremainedquietfortheentirevisit,seeminglyassessingNashthewholetime.
Kiran’sfamilyhardlyspoketoNash,buthegotthedistinctfeelingthathewasn’tbeingignored.Somuchhadhappenedinthelastfewdays.Therewereshiftshappeningbetweenrelationshipseveryminute—Kiranandherparents,Kirtiandherparents,KiranandKirti,thekidsandeachadult…GautamwasasnewtothisasNash,andhestoodinthecorner,chiminginsometimesinHindibutstillontheoutskirtsofthisfamilycircle.
AstheystoodtoleaveanhourlaterandNashgentlyshookMr.Mathur’shandagain,Kiran’smommethiseye.
Slowly,sheraisedherhandsinanamaste,andadistinctlydifferentfeelingcameacrossNash.Thiswasn’tahellooragoodbye.Herexpression,seriousandunyielding,wasoneofdeepestgratitude.Andaboveall,herfacewasfilledwithrespect.
NashrespondedwiththesingleformalHindiwordhehadstudiedontheplane.
“Shukriya.”
Thankyou.
***
Asthejettaxieddowntherunwayandincreaseditsspeed,Kiranfeltnoneedtoclutchthearmrestandprayshe’dgettoseeherfamilyagain.
Shehadnoworriesthatthey’dbealone.
AndsheknewexactlywhatshewasheadingbacktoastheplanegentlyfloatedovercontinentsonitswaybacktotheUnitedStates.
Peacewasawordthatshehadnevercompletelyunderstooduntilnow.Theconceptthatonecouldhavenoworries,liveinthemoment,trustintheirrelationships,andbestofall,knowtheirfuturewasassuredwascompletelyforeigntoher.Therehadn’tbeenadayinherlifewhenshe’dexperiencedthosethingssimultaneously.
ButnowshewasabletorestherheadagainstthewindowandwatchthelandpassbelowwithoutananxiousthoughtaboutMaandBaba’swelfareandwhethersomeonewouldbetheretolookafterthem.Kirtiwasapartoftheirlivesagain.Kiranhadnoconcernsaboutwhetherherownlifewouldbefullofloveandtogetherness.ShehadtheCMCandNashforthat.Andthemagicinthesmallthings,likeknowingsomeonewouldbewaitingattheairportwhenshearrivedhome,castaglowonherskinthatthesunhadnothingtodowith.
Shewasheadinghome.
Andforthefirsttime,homefeltlikeastateofmindandnotadestination.
***
Thephrase“Bloodisthickerthanwater”hadalwaysbeenaloadofmalarkeytoNash.
Hislovedoneshadbeenthosewhoweren’ttiedtohimbygeneticsbutwhohadchosenhimeveryday.Butnow,hewasrecognizingthevalueinowningtherootshecamefrom.
Forovertenyears,hishearthadbeenaPandora’sboxofconfusion,resentment,andangeroverthefactthathisownbloodhadseenhimasadisposableoravoidablepartoflife.
Butnow,awindowintohishearthadbeendiscoveredwherehisfriends,hisfamily,andKirancouldreachinandcleanoutthecobwebsandclutterwhenitgottoomessyinthere.Sunshinepouredin,andeverythingabouthisheartandsoulfeltlightersincethefloodoffreshairhadcomethrough.
AshestoodwaitingatthearrivalsterminalatJFK,Nashgazedatthereunionsofthosearoundhim.Peoplewhoweremeetingforthefirsttime.Peoplewhohadonlylefttemporarily.Andthosewhohadn’tseeneachotherforyears,theirstoriestakingthemindifferentdirectionsbeforebringingthembacktothesameroad.
Andnomatterhowbumpyhisroadhadbeen,hefinallyembracedthefactthatitwashistoown.Peoplehadcome,gone,andjoinedhimfortherideforshortbitsoftime,buthehadbeenexactlywherehewasmeanttobe.
Thegirlwhoemergedfromthegate,withhertoastedbutterskin,waswhohewasmeanttotravelwithfortherestofhislife.
Kirancaughthiseyeinthecrowdandpulledhersuitcasetowardhim,increasingherspeeduntilshewasnearlyrunning.Thenshestoppedandburstoutlaughing,atinklingsoundthatheknewhewouldnevergetsickof.
HewaswearingaTeamIndiacricketshirt.
WhenNashleaptoverthebarrier,tooimpatienttowaitasKiranwalkedaroundit,andburiedhisfaceinherneck,heknewexactlywhatthewordsmeantashesaidthem.
“Welcomehome.”Kiran’sBucketList
1.VisittheEmpireStateBuilding.
2.TakeaboatrideontheHudsonRiver
3.SeeaBroadwayplay.
4.Rideahorse.
5.Danceunderthestars.
6.Doamacaroniandcheesetour.
7.GotoSmorgasburgeverysummer.
8.Playinanarcade.
9.Reunitewithalovedone.
10.TakeaquietwalkalongtheUpperEastSide.
11.VisittheBronxZoo.
12.Spendallnightinsparklingconversation.
13.Fallinlove.Acknowledgments
Whoa.Ididn’tjustwriteonebook.ThisismySECONDBOOK.Howcoolisthis?!Iwouldn’thavemadethelongleapfromTheRearrangedLifetothisserieswithoutpeptalks,guidance,love,somekicksinthebutt,andgroundingfromamazingpeoplewhoareinmylifeforreasonsIwasbeyondluckytohaveandneverquiteunderstood.Afterall,howdidI,abumblinggirlinPennsylvania,endupwithaprideoflionsandlionessesstrongenoughtoholdmeupwhenIfellandkeepmeatthetopoftheworldwhenIflew?
Myparents—theIndiancitykidswhoturnedintoimmigrantswhoturnedintothebestfriendsIcouldaskfor.Idon’tknowwhatIdidtodeserveyou,butIthankmyluckystarseveryday…andthenyougavemeabrother!Howmanymoreamazingthingscouldyouhavedone?Sri,youarethebestfriend,roommate,hero(becausesecretly,evenI’lladmitI’mthesidekickonouradventures),andall-arounddude.Justdon’tforgetyoulovedmemostintheworldwhenwewerelittle.
Sanjeev…man,amIgladyoutextedmeagainafterIbailedonourfirstdate.Iwouldn’thaveimaginedallthatcameafterwardinourstory.Youarethebestpartofeveryday.
Everywomanneedsacircleofotherpowerfulgamechangersaroundher.Mineisnodifferent.MamataVenkat,youarenotonlyaYouTubeTedXstarbutashootingstarwhohasn’tevenpeakedinitsglowyet—patient,empathetic,andkind,youaremyveryfavoritegiftNewYorkCitygaveme.MelissaTorres,Idon’tthinkIunderstoodwhatsoulmateswereuntilImetyou.Andintypicalfashion,theemotionsexpressedtoeachotheraredeeperthanwhatwesaytoboys.Tothemotherofmyfavoritelittlegirlbut,equallyasimportantly,mybestfriendsinceIwasthirteenyearsold,LizMcCallips.Everyadventureisbetterwhenwegettogothroughittogether.Somefriendsarebetterintwos—SunitaandDr.SaritaKambhampati,youarefamilybutfriendstooandsofabulousthatGodhadtomaketwoofyoutohandleit.ToDr.TrushaPatel…whosemedicalexpertiseandpatiencearenotonlythefoundationofhalfmywriting,theytalkmeoutofchaoseverytimeIthinkIhavecaughtacontagiousdeadlyillness.ThankyouforbeingthekindofwomanIwanttobe.KamnaGupta,yourmoralsupport,cheer,andinsta-friendstatusputyoumilesaheadofeveryoneelse.Youhavethebiggestheart.NehalTenany,youareanexceptionalfriendandbusinesspartner.ToBhargavi,thein-lawwhoisnowasister.YouareaburstofsunshinetomydayandIamsohappyyou’reinthefamily…it’snotaPisupartywithoutyou.AndtotheSridhara,Pisupati,andReddyfamiliesforalltheloveandlaughterthroughoutmylife.
WhileIshouldthankTwitter,Facebook,andInstagramforthecopiousamountsofknowledgeaboutwhatIshouldandshouldn’tdoregardingwriting,thepeoplebehindthoseaccountsbecamethebestonlinealliesandeventualreal-lifefriendsever.AmandaHeger,yourkissyfaceemojisarelittleraysofsunshinetomyday.Youarealisteningear,afabulouslytalentedwriterwhotalksmethroughbigdecisions,andafriendwhoIcannotimaginelifewithout.MeredithTate,yourstrengththroughadversityandyourdeterminationtoremainthehappiesteighty-seven-book-bearingplanepassengerevermakesyouoneofmyfavoritepeople.TotheSouthAsianwriterswhosharecupsofchaianddailygupshup:NishaSharma,NamrataPatel,SonaliDev,FarahHeron,SuleikhaSnyder,MonaShroff,KishanPaul,Sona