Love on the Brain

PraiseforTHELOVEHYPOTHESIS
“Contemporaryromance’sunicorn:theelusivemarriageofdeeplybrainyanddelightfullyescapist….TheLoveHypothesishaswildcommercialappeal,butthequietersecretisthatthereisaspecificaudience,madeupofalloftheOlivesintheworld,whohavedeeply,ardentlywaitedforthisexactbook.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorChristinaLauren
“Funny,sexy,andsmart.AliHazelwooddidaterrificjobwithTheLoveHypothesis.”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorMarianaZapata
“Thistacklesoneofmyfavoritetropes—GrumpymeetsSunshine—inafunandutterlyendearingway….Ilovedthenodstowardfandomandromancenovels,andIcouldn’tputitdown.Highlyrecommended!”
—NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorJessicaClare
“Abeautifullywrittenromanticcomedywithaheroineyouwillinstantlyfallinlovewith,TheLoveHypothesisisdestinedtoearnaplaceonyourkeepershelf.”
—ElizabethEverett,authorofALady’sFormulaforLove
“Smart,wittydialogueandadiversecastoflikablesecondarycharacters….Arealistic,amusingnovelthatreaderswon’tbeabletoputdown.”
—LibraryJournal(starredreview)
“Withwhip-smartandendearingcharacters,snappyprose,andaquirkytakeonafavoritetrope,Hazelwoodconvincinglynavigatesthefraughtshoalsofacademia….Thissmart,sexycontemporaryshoulddelightawideswathofromancelovers.”
—PublishersWeeklyTITLESBYALIHAZELWOOD
???
TheLoveHypothesis
LoveontheBrain
LOATHETOLOVEYOU
UnderOneRoof
StuckwithYou
BelowZeroAJOVEBOOK
PublishedbyBerkley
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penguinrandomhouse.com
Copyright?2022byAliHazelwood
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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Hazelwood,Ali,author.
Title:Loveonthebrain/AliHazelwood.
Description:FirstEdition.|NewYork:Jove,2022.
Identifiers:LCCN2021053843|ISBN9780593336847(tradepaperback)|ISBN9780593336854(ebook)
Subjects:GSAFD:Lovestories.
Classification:LCCPS3608.A98845L692022|DDC813/.6—dc23
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2021053843
FirstEdition:August2022
Coverillustrationbylilithsaur
Titlepageart:spaceicons?kosmofish/Shutterstock
BookdesignbyAlisonCnockaert,adaptedforebookbyKellyBrennan
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
pid_prh_6.0_140667116_c0_r0CONTENTS
Cover
PraiseFor:TheLoveHypothesis
TitlesbyAliHazelwood
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter1:TheHabenula:Disappointment
Chapter2:VagusNerve:Blackout
Chapter3:AngularGyrus:PayAttention
Chapter4:ParahippocampalGyrus:Suspicion
Chapter5:Amygdala:Anger
Chapter6:Heschl’sGyrus:Hear,Hear
Chapter7:OrbitofrontalCortex:Hope
Chapter8:PrecentralGyrus:Movement
Chapter9:MedialFrontalCortex:MaybeIWasWrong?
Chapter10:DorsolateralPrefrontalCortex:Untruths
Chapter11:NucleusAccumbens:Gambling
Chapter12:VentralStriatum:Yearning
Chapter13:SuperiorColliculi:WillYouLookatThat?
Chapter14:PeriaqueductalGray&TheHippocampus:PainfulMemories
Chapter15:FusiformArea:FamiliarFaces
Chapter16:SubthalamicNucleus:Interruptions
Chapter17:Pulvinar:Reaching&Grasping
Chapter18:RapheNuclei:Happiness
Chapter19:BasolateralAmygdala:Arachnophobia
Chapter20:VentralTegmentalArea:RomanticLove
Chapter21:RightInferiorFrontalGyrus:Superstition
Chapter22:AnteriorCingulateCortex:Oh,Shit
Chapter23:Amygdala,Again:Fear
Chapter24:RightTemporalLobe:Aha!
Chapter25:Oriens-LacunosumMoleculareInterneurons:Courage
Epilogue
Author’sNote
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthorTomyGrems.[InsertDolphinBoob.gif]1
THEHABENULA:DISAPPOINTMENT
HERE’SMYFAVORITEpieceoftriviainthewholeworld:Dr.MarieSk?odowska-Curieshoweduptoherweddingceremonywearingherlabgown.
It’sactuallyaprettycoolstory:ascientistfriendhookedherupwithPierreCurie.Theyawkwardlyadmittedtohavingreadeachother’spapersandflirtedoverbeakersfullofliquiduranium,andheproposedwithintheyear.ButMariewasonlymeanttobeinFrancetogetherdegree,andreluctantlyrejectedhimtoreturntoPoland.
Wompwomp.
EntertheUniversityofKrakow,villainandunintentionalcupidofthisstory,whichdeniedMarieafacultypositionbecauseshewasawoman(veryclassy,UofK).Dickmove,Iknow,butithadthefortunatesideeffectofpushingMarierightbackintoPierre’sloving,not-yet-radioactivearms.Thosetwobeautifulnerdsmarriedin1895,andMarie,whowasn’texactlymakingbankatthetime,boughtherselfaweddingdressthatwascomfortableenoughtouseinthelabeveryday.Mygirlwasnothingifnotpragmatic.
Ofcourse,thisstorybecomessignificantlylesscoolifyoufastforwardtenyearsorso,towhenPierregothimselfrunoverbyacarriageandleftMarieandtheirtwodaughtersaloneintheworld.Zoominto1906,andthat’swhereyou’llfindtherealmoralofthistale:trustingpeopletostickaroundisabadidea.Onewayoranotherthey’llendupgone.Maybethey’llslipontheRueDauphineonarainymorningandgettheirskullcrushedbyahorse-drawncart.Maybethey’llbekidnappedbyaliensandvanishintothevastnessofspace.Ormaybethey’llhavesexwithyourbestfriendsixmonthsbeforeyou’reduetogetmarried,forcingyoutocallofftheweddingandlosetonsofcashinsecuritydeposits.
Thesky’sthelimit,really.
Onemightsay,then,thatUofKisonlyaminorvillain.Don’tgetmewrong:IlovepicturingDr.CuriewaltzingbacktoKrakowPrettyWoman–style,wearingherwedding-slash-labgown,brandishinghertwoNobelPrizemedals,andyelling,“BigMistake.Big.Huge.”Buttherealvillain,theonethathadMariecryingandstaringattheceilinginthelatehoursofthenight,isloss.Grief.Theintrinsictransienceofhumanrelationships.Therealvillainislove:anunstableisotope,constantlyundergoingspontaneousnucleardecay.
Anditwillforevergounpunished.
Doyouknowwhat’sreliableinstead?Whatnever,everabandonedDr.Curieinallheryears?Hercuriosity.Herdiscoveries.Heraccomplishments.
Science.Scienceiswhereit’sat.
WhichiswhywhenNASAnotifiesme—Me!BeeK?nigswasser!—thatI’vebeenchosenasleadinvestigatorofBLINK,oneoftheirmostprestigiousneuroengineeringresearchprojects,Iscreech.Iscreechloudlyandjoyouslyinmyminuscule,windowlessofficeontheBethesdacampusoftheNationalInstitutesofHealth.Iscreechabouttheamazingperformance-enhancingtechnologyI’mgoingtogettobuildfornoneotherthanNASAastronauts,andthenIrememberthatthewallsaretoilet-paperthinandthatmyleftneighboroncefiledaformalcomplaintagainstmeforlisteningtoninetiesfemalealt-rockwithoutheadphones.SoIpressthebackofmyhandtomymouth,biteintoit,andjumpupanddownassilentlyaspossiblewhileelationexplodesinsideme.
IfeeljustlikeIimagineDr.CuriemusthavefeltwhenshewasfinallyallowedtoenrollattheUniversityofParisinlate1891:asthoughaworldof(preferablynonradioactive)scientificdiscoveriesisfinallywithingraspingdistance.Itis,byfar,themostmomentousdayofmylife,andkicksoffaphenomenalweekendofcelebrations.Highlightsare:
Itellthenewstomythreefavoritecolleagues,andwegoouttoourusualbar,guzzleseveralroundsoflemondrops,andtaketurnsdoinghilariousimpressionsofthattimeTrevor,ouruglymiddle-agedboss,askedusnottofallinlovewithhim.(Academicmentendtoharbormanydelusions—exceptforPierreCurie,ofcourse.Pierrewouldnever.)
Ichangemyhairfrompinktopurple.(Ihavetodoitathome,becausejunioracademicscan’taffordsalons;myshowerendsuplookinglikeamixbetweenacottoncandymachineandaunicornslaughterhouse,butaftertheraccoonincident—which,believeme,youdon’twanttoknowabout—Iwasn’tgoingtogetmysecuritydepositbackanyway.)
ItakemyselftoVictoria’sSecretandbuyasetofprettygreenlingerie,notallowingmyselftofeelguiltyattheexpense(eventhoughit’sbeenmanyyearssincesomeonehasseenmewithoutclothes,andifIhavemywaynoonewillformany,manymore).
IdownloadtheCouch-to-MarathonplanI’vebeenmeaningtostartanddomyfirstrun.(ThenIlimpbackhomecursingmyoverambitionandpromptlydowngradetoaCouch-to-5Kprogram.Ican’tbelievethatsomepeopleworkouteveryday.)
IbaketreatsforFinneas,myelderlyneighbor’sequallyelderlycat,whooftenvisitsmyapartmentforseconddinner.(HeshredsmyfavoritepairofConverseingratitude.Dr.Curie,inherinfinitewisdom,wasprobablyadogperson.)
Inshort,Ihaveanabsoluteblast.I’mnotevensadwhenMondaycomes.It’ssameold,sameold—experiments,labmeetings,eatingLeanCuisineandshotgunningstore-brandLaCroixatmydeskwhilecrunchingdata—butwiththeprospectofBLINK,eventheoldfeelsnewandexciting.
I’llbehonest:I’vebeenworriedsick.Afterhavingfourgrantapplicationsrejectedinlessthansixmonths,Iwassurethatmycareerwasstalling—maybeevenover.WheneverTrevorcalledmeintohisoffice,I’dgetpalpitationsandsweatypalms,surethathe’dtellmethatmyyearlycontractwasn’tgoingtoberenewed.ThelastcoupleofyearssincegraduatingwithmyPh.D.haven’tbeenawholelotoffun.
Butthat’soverwith.ContractingforNASAisacareer-makingopportunity.Afterall,I’vebeenchosenafteraruthlessselectionprocessovergoldenboyslikeJoshMartin,HankMalik,evenJanVanderberg,thathorridguywhotrash-talksmyresearchlikeit’sanOlympicsport.I’vehadmysetbacks,plentyofthem,butafternearlytwodecadesofbeingobsessedwiththebrain,hereIam:leadneuroscientistofBLINK.I’lldesigngearsforastronauts,gearsthey’lluseinspace.ThisishowIgetoutofTrevor’sclammy,sexistclutches.Thisiswhatbuysmealong-termcontractandmyownlabwithmyownlineofresearch.Thisistheturningpointinmyprofessionallife—which,truthfully,istheonlykindoflifeIcaretohave.
ForseveraldaysI’mecstatic.I’mexhilarated.I’mecstaticallyexhilarated.
Then,onMondayat4:33p.m.,myemailpingswithamessagefromNASA.Ireadthenameofthepersonwhowillbeco-leadingBLINKwithme,andallofasuddenI’mnoneofthosethingsanymore.
???
“DOYOUREMEMBERLeviWard?”
“Brenntdaetwas—uh?”Overthephone,Mareike’svoiceisthickandsleep-laden,muffledbypoorreceptionandlongdistance.“Bee?Isthatyou?Whattimeisit?”
“EightfifteeninMarylandand…”Irapidlycalculatethetimedifference.AfewweeksagoReikewasinTajikistan,butnowshe’sin…Portugal,maybe?“Twoa.m.yourtime.”
Reikegrunts,groans,moans,andmakesawholehostofothersoundsI’malltoofamiliarwithfromsharingaroomwithherforthefirsttwodecadesofourlives.Isitbackonmycouchandwaititoutuntilsheasks,“Whodied?”
“Noonedied.Well,I’msuresomeonedied,butnooneweknow.Wereyoureallysleeping?Areyousick?ShouldIflyout?”I’mgenuinelyconcernedthatmysisterisn’toutclubbing,orskinny-dippingintheMediterraneanSea,orfrolickingwithacovenofwarlocksbasedintheforestsoftheIberianPeninsula.Sleepingatnightisveryoutofcharacter.
“Nah.Iranoutofmoneyagain.”Sheyawns.“Beengivingprivatelessonstorich,spoiledPortugueseboysduringthedayuntilImakeenoughtoflytoNorway.”
Iknowbetterthantoask“WhyNorway?”sinceReike’sanswerwouldjustbe“Whynot?”InsteadIgowith,“Doyouneedmetosendyousomemoney?”I’mnotexactlyflushwithcash,especiallyaftermydaysof(premature,asitturnsout)celebrations,butIcouldspareafewdollarsifI’mcareful.Anddon’teat.Foracoupleofdays.
“Nah,thebrats’parentspaywell.Ugh,Bee,atwelve-year-oldtriedtotouchmyboobyesterday.”
“Gross.Whatdidyoudo?”
“ItoldhimI’dcutoffhisfingers,ofcourse.Anyway—towhatdoIowethepleasureofbeingbrutallyawakened?”
“I’msorry.”
“Nah,you’renot.”
Ismile.“Nah,I’mnot.”What’sthepointofsharing100percentofyourDNAwithapersonifyoucan’twakethemupforanemergencychat?“RememberthatresearchprojectImentioned?BLINK?”
“Theoneyou’releading?NASA?Whereyouuseyourfancybrainsciencetobuildthosefancyhelmetstomakefancyastronautsbetterinspace?”
“Yes.Sortof.Asitturnsout,I’mnotleadingasmuchasco-leading.ThefundscomefromNIHandNASA.Theygotintoapissingcontestoverwhichagencyshouldbeincharge,andultimatelydecidedtohavetwoleaders.”InthecornerofmyeyeInoticeaflashoforange—Finneas,loungingonthesillofmykitchenwindow.Ilethiminwithafewscratchesonthehead.Hemeowslovinglyandlicksmyhand.“DoyourememberLeviWard?”
“IshesomeguyIdatedwho’stryingtoreachmebecausehehasgonorrhea?”
“Huh?No.He’ssomeoneImetingradschool.”IopenthecupboardwhereIkeeptheWhiskas.“HewasgettingaPh.D.inengineeringinmylab,andwasinhisfifthyearwhenIstarted—”
“TheWardass!”
“Yep,him!”
“Iremember!Wasn’thelike…hot?Tall?Built?”
Ibitebackasmile,pouringfoodinFinneas’sbowl.“I’mnotsurehowIfeelaboutthefactthattheonlythingyourememberaboutmygradschoolnemesisisthathewassixfour.”Dr.MarieCurie’ssisters,renownedphysicianBronis?awaD?uskaandeducationalactivistHelenaSzalayowa,wouldnever.UnlesstheywerethirstywencheslikeReike—inwhichcasetheyabsolutelywould.
“Andbuilt.Youshouldjustbeproudofmyelephantinememory.”
“AndIam.Anyway,IwastoldwhotheNASAco-leadformyprojectwillbe,and—”
“Noway.”Reikemusthavesatup.Hervoiceissuddenlycrystalclear.“Noway.”
“Yesway.”Ilistentomysister’smaniacal,gleefulcacklingwhileItosstheemptypouch.“Youknow,youcouldatleastpretendnottoenjoythissomuch.”
“Oh,Icould.ButwillI?”
“Clearlynot.”
“Didyoucrywhenyoufoundout?”
“No.”
“Didyouhead-desk?”
“No.”
“Don’tlietome.Doyouhaveabumponyourforehead?”
“…Maybeasmallone.”
“Oh,Bee.Bee,thankyouforwakingmeuptosharethisoutstandingpieceofnews.Isn’tTheWardasstheguywhosaidthatyouwerefugly?”
Heneverdid,atleastnotinthoseterms,butIlaughsoloud,Finneasgivesmeastartledglance.“Ican’tbelieveyourememberthat.”
“Hey,Iresenteditalot.You’rehotAF.”
“YouonlysaysobecauseIlookexactlylikeyou.”
“Why,Ihadn’tevennoticed.”
It’snotcompletelytrue,anyway.Yes,ReikeandIarebothshortandslight.Wehavethesamesymmetricalfeaturesandblueeyes,thesamestraightdarkhair.Still,we’velongoutgrownourParentTrapstage,andattwenty-eightnoonewouldstruggletotellusapart.Notwhenmyhairhasbeendifferentshadesofpastelcolorsforthepastdecade,orwithmyloveforpiercingsandtheoccasionaltattoo.Reike,withherwanderlustandartisticinclinations,isthetruefreespiritofthefamily,butshecanneverbebotheredtomakefree-spiritfashionstatements.That’swhereI,thesupposedlyboringscientist,comeintopickuptheslack.
“So,washe?Theonewhoinsultedmebyproxy?”
“Yep.LeviWard.Theoneandonly.”
IpourwaterintoabowlforFinneas.Itdidn’tgoquitethatway.Levineverexplicitlyinsultedme.Implicitly,though…
Igavemyfirstacademictalkinmysecondsemesterofgradschool,andItookitveryseriously.Imemorizedtheentirespeech,redidthePowerPointsixtimes,evenagonizedovertheperfectoutfit.Iendedupdressingnicerthanusual,andAnnie,mygradschoolbestfriend,hadthewell-meaningbutunfortunateideatoropeLeviintocomplimentingme.
“Doesn’tBeelookextraprettytoday?”
Itwasprobablytheonlytopicofconversationshecouldthinkof.Afterall,Anniewasalwaysgoingonabouthowmysteriouslyhandsomehewas,withthedarkhairandthebroadshouldersandthatinteresting,unusualfaceofhis;howshewishedhe’dstopbeingsoreservedandaskherout.ExceptthatLevididn’tseeminterestedinconversation.He
Nothing.Absolutelynothing.
HejustmadewhatTim,myex-fiancé,laterreferredtoasan“aghastexpression,”andwalkedoutofthelabwithawoodennodandzerocompliments—notevenastilted,fakeone.Afterthat,gradschool—theultimatecesspoolofgossip—diditsthing,andthestorytookonalifeofitsown.Studentssaidthathe’dpukedallovermydress;thathe’dbeggedmeonhiskneestoputapaperbagovermyhead;thathe’dbeensohorrified,he’dtriedtocleansehisbrainbydrinkingbleachandsufferedirreparableneurologicaldamageasaconsequence.Itrynottotakemyselftooseriously,andbeingpartofamemeofsortswasamusing,buttherumorsweresowild,IstartedtowonderifIreallywasrevolting.
Still,IneverblamedLevi.Ineverresentedhimforrefusingtobestrong-armedintopretendingthathefoundmeattractive.Or…well,not-repulsive.Healwaysseemedlikesuchaman’sman,afterall.Differentfromtheboysthatsurroundedme.Serious,disciplined,alittlebroody.Intenseandgifted.Alpha,whateverthatevenmeans.Agirlwithaseptumpiercingandablueombréwouldn’tconformtohisidealsofwhatprettyladiesshouldlooklike,andthat’sfine.
WhatIdoresentLeviforarehisotherbehaviorsduringtheyearweoverlapped.LikethefactthatheneverbotheredtomeetmyeyeswhenItalkedtohim,orthathealwaysfoundexcusesnottocometojournalclubwhenitwasmyturntopresent.Ireservetherighttobeangryforhowhe’dslipoutofagroupconversationthemomentIjoined,forconsideringmesobeneathhisnoticethatheneverevensaidhiwhenIwalkedintothelab,forthewayIcaughthimstaringatmewithanintense,displeasedexpression,asthoughIweresomeeldritchabomination.IreservetherighttofeelbitterthatafterTimandIgotengaged,Levipulledhimasideandtoldhimthathecoulddomuchbetterthanme.Comeon,whodoesthat?
Mostofall,Ireservetherighttodetesthimformakingitclearthathebelievedmetobeamediocrescientist.TherestIcouldhaveoverlookedeasilyenough,butthelackofrespectformywork…I’llforevergrindmyaxeforthat.
Thatis,untilIwedgeitinhisgroin.
LevibecamemyswornarchenemyonaTuesdayinApril,inmyPh.D.advisor’soffice.SamanthaLeewas—andstillis—thebombwhenitcomestoneuroimaging.Ifthere’sawaytostudyalivinghuman’sbrainswithoutcrackingtheirskullopen,Sameithercameupwithitormasteredit.Herresearchisbrilliant,well-funded,andhighlyinterdisciplinary—hencethevarietyofPh.D.studentsshementored:cognitiveneuroscientistslikeme,interestedinstudyingtheneuralbasesofbehavior,butalsocomputerscientists,biologists,psychologists.Engineers.
EveninthecrowdedchaosofSam’slab,Levistoodout.Hehadaknackforthetypeofproblem-solvingSamliked—theonethatelevatesneuroimagingtoanart.Inhisfirstyear,hefiguredoutawaytobuildaportableinfraredspectroscopymachinethathadbeenpuzzlingpostdocsforadecade.Byhisthird,he’drevolutionizedthelab’sdataanalysispipeline.InhisfourthhegotaSciencepublication.Andinhisfifth,whenIjoinedthelab,Samcalledustogetherintoheroffice.
“ThereisthisamazingprojectI’vebeenwantingtokick-start,”shesaidwithherusualenthusiasm.“Ifwemanagetomakeitwork,it’sgoingtochangetheentirelandscapeofthefield.Andthat’swhyIneedmybestneuroscientistandmybestengineertocollaborateonit.”
Itwasabreezy,earlyspringafternoon.Irememberitwell,becausethatmorninghadbeenunforgettable:Timononeknee,inthemiddleofthelab,proposing.Abittheatrical,notreallymything,butIwasn’tgoingtocomplain,notwhenitmeantsomeonewantedtostandbymeforgood.SoIlookedhimintheeyes,chokedbackthetears,andsaidyes.
Afewhourslater,Ifelttheengagementringbitepainfullyintomyclenchedfist.“Idon’thavetimeforacollaboration,Sam,”Levisaid.Hewasstandingasfarawayfrommeashecould,andyethestillmanagedtofillthesmallofficeandbecomeitscenterofgravity.Hedidn’tbothertoglanceatme.Heneverdid.
Samfrowned.“Theotherdayyousaidyou’dbeonboard.”
“Imisspoke.”Hisexpressionwasunreadable.Uncompromising.“Sorry,Sam.I’mjusttoobusy.”
Iclearedmythroatandtookafewstepstowardhim.“IknowI’mjustafirst-yearstudent,”Istarted,appeasingly,“butIcandomypart,Ipromise.And—”
“That’snotit,”hesaid.Hiseyesbrieflycaughtmine,greenandblackandstormycold,andforabriefmomentheseemedstuck,asthoughhecouldn’tlookaway.Myheartstumbled.“LikeIsaid,Idon’thavetimerightnowtotakeonnewprojects.”
Idon’trememberwhyIwalkedoutoftheofficealone,norwhyIdecidedtolingerrightoutside.Itoldmyselfthatitwasfine.Leviwasjustbusy.Everyonewasbusy.Academiawasnothingbutabunchofbusypeoplerunningaroundbusily.Imyselfwassuperbusy,becauseSamwasright:Iwasoneofthebestneuroscientistsinthelab.Ihadplentyofmyownworkgoingon.
UntilIoverheardSam’sconcernedquestion:“Whydidyouchangeyourmind?Yousaidthattheprojectwasgoingtobeaslamdunk.”
“Iknow.ButIcan’t.I’msorry.”
“Can’twhat?”
“WorkwithBee.”
Samaskedhimwhy,butIdidn’tstoptolisten.Pursuinganykindofgraduateeducationrequiresahealthydoseofmasochism,butIdrewthelineatstickingaroundwhilesomeonetrash-talkedmetomyboss.Istormedoff,andbythefollowingweek,whenIheardAnniechatteringhappilyaboutthefactthatLevihadagreedtohelpheronherthesisproject,I’dlongstoppedlyingtomyself.
LeviWard,HisWardness,Dr.Wardass,despisedme.
Me.
Specificallyme.
Yes,hewasataciturn,somber,broodingmountainofaman.Hewasprivate,anintrovert.Histemperamentwasreservedandaloof.Icouldn’tdemandthathelikeme,andhadnointentionofdoingso.Still,ifhecouldbecivil,polite,evenfriendlywitheveryoneelse,hecouldhavemadeaneffortwithme,too.Butno—LeviWardclearlydespisedme,andinthefaceofsuchhatred..
Well.Ihadnochoicebuttohatehimback.
“Youthere?”Reikeasks.
“Yeah,”Imumble,“justruminatingaboutLevi.”
“He’satNASA,then?DareIhopehe’llbesenttoMarstoretrieveCuriosity?”
“Sadly,notbeforehe’sdoneco-leadingmyproject.”Inthepastfewyears,whilemycareergaspedforairlikeahippowithsleepapnea,Levi’sthrived—obnoxiouslyso.Hepublishedinterestingstudies,gotahugeDepartmentofDefensegrant,and,accordingtoanemailSamsentaround,evenmadeForbes’s10Under40list,thescienceedition.TheonlyreasonI’vebeenabletostandhissuccesseswithoutfallingonmyswordisthathisresearchhasbeengravitatingawayfromneuroimaging.Thismadeusnot-quite-competitorsandallowedmetojust…neverthinkabouthim.Anexcellentlifehack,whichworkedsuperbly—untiltoday.
Honestly,fucktoday.
“I’mstillenjoyingthisimmensely,butI’llmakeanefforttobesisterlyandsympathetic.Howconcernedareyoutobeworkingwithhim,onascalefromonetoheavilybreathingintoapaperbag?”
Itipwhat’sleftofFinneas’swaterintoapotofdaisies.“IthinkhavingtoworkwithsomeonewhothinksI’mashitscientistwarrantsatleasttwoinhalers.”
“You’reamazing.You’rethebestscientist.”
“Aw,thankyou.”IchoosetobelievethatReikefilingastrologyandcristallotherapyunderthelabel“science”onlyslightlydetractsfromthecompliment.“It’sgoingtobehorrible.Theworst.Ifhe’sanythinglikeheusedtobe,I’mgoingto…Reike,areyoupeeing?”
Abeat,filledbythenoiseofrunningwater.“…Maybe.Hey,you’retheonewhowokemeandmybladderup.Please,carryon.”
Ismileandshakemyhead.“Ifhe’sanythinglikehewasatPitt,he’sgoingtobeanightmaretoworkwith.PlusI’llbeonhisturf.”
“Right,’causeyou’removingtoHouston.”
“Forthreemonths.MyresearchassistantandIareleavingnextweek.”
“I’mjealous.I’mgoingtobestuckhereinPortugalforwhoknowshowlong,gropedbyknockoffJoffreyBaratheonswhorefusetolearnwhatasubjunctiveis.I’mrotting,Bee.”
ItwillneverceasetobefuddlemehowdifferentlyReikeandIreactedtobeingthrownaroundlikerubberballsduringchildhood,bothbeforeandafterourparents’death.Wewerebouncedfromoneextendedfamilymembertoanother,livedinadozencountries,andallReikewantsis…toliveinevenmorecountries.Travel,seenewplaces,experiencenewthings.It’slikeyearningforchangeishardwiredinherbrain.Shepackedupthedaywegraduatedhighschoolandhasbeenmakingherwaythroughthecontinentsforthepastdecade,complainingaboutbeingboredafterahandfulofweeksinoneplace.
I’mtheopposite.Iwanttoputdownroots.Security.Stability.IthoughtI’dgetitwithTim,butlikeIsaid,relyingonothersisriskybusiness.Permanenceandloveareclearlyincompatible,sonowI’mfocusingonmycareer.Iwantalong-termpositionasanNIHscientist,andlandingBLINKistheperfectstepping-stone.
“Youknowwhatjustoccurredtome?”
“Youforgottoflush?”
“Can’tflushatnight—noisyEuropeanpipes.IfIdo,myneighborleavespassive-aggressivenotes.Buthearmeout:threeyearsago,whenIspentthatsummerharvestingwatermelonsinAustralia,ImetthisguyfromHouston.Hewasariot.Cute,too.BetIcanfindhisemailandaskhimifhe’ssingle—”
“Nope.”
“Hehadreallyprettyeyesandcouldtouchthetipofhisnosewithhistongue—that’s,like,tenpercentofthepopulation.”
Imakeamentalnotetolookupwhetherthat’strue.“I’mgoingtheretowork,nottodatenose-tongueguy.”
“Youcoulddoboth.”
“Idon’tdate.”
“Why?”
“Youknowwhy.”
“No,actually.”Reike’stonetakesonitsusualstubbornquality.“Listen,Iknowthatthelasttimeyoudated—”
“Iwasengaged.”
“Samedifference.Maybethingsdidn’tgowell”—IliftoneeyebrowatthemosteuphemisticeuphemismI’veeverheard—“andyouwanttofeelsafeandpracticemaintenanceofyouremotionalboundaries,butthatcan’tpreventyoufromeverdatingagain.Youcan’tputallyoureggsintothesciencebasket.Thereareother,betterbaskets.Likethesexbasket,andthemaking-outbasket,andtheletting-a-boy-pay-for-your-expensive-vegan-dinnerbasket,and—”Finneaschoosesthisverymomenttomeowloudly.Blesshislittlefelinetiming.“Bee!Didyougetthatkittenyou’vebeentalkingabout?”
“It’stheneighbor’s.”Ileanovertonuzzlehim,asilentthank-youfordistractingmysistermid-sermon.
“Ifyoudon’twanttodatenose-tongueguy,atleastgetadamncat.Youalreadyhavethatstupidnamepickedout.”
“MeowrieCurieisagreatname—andno.”
“It’syourchildhooddream!RememberwhenwewereinAustria?Howwe’dplayHarryPotterandyourPatronuswasalwaysakitten?”
“Andyourswasablobfish.”Ismile.WereadthebookstogetherinGerman,justafewweeksbeforemovingtoourmaternalcousin’sintheUK,whowasn’texactlythrilledtohaveusstayinherminusculespareroom.Ugh,Ihatemoving.I’msadtoleavemyobjectively-crappy-but-dearly-belovedBethesdaapartment.“Anyway,HarryPotteristaintedforever,andI’mnotgettingacat.”
“Why?”
“Becauseitwilldieinthirteentoseventeenyears,basedonrecentstatisticaldata,andshattermyheartinthirteentoseventeenpieces.”
“Oh,forfuck’ssake.”
“I’llsettleforlovingotherpeople’scatsandneverknowingwhentheypassaway.”
Ihearathud,probablyReikethrowingherselfbackintobed.“Youknowwhatyourconditionis?It’scalled—”
“Notacondition,we’vebeenover—”
“—avoidantattachment.You’repathologicallyindependentanddon’tletotherscomecloseoutoffearthatthey’lleventuallyleaveyou.Youhaveerectedafencearoundyou—theBee-fence—andareterrifiedofanythingresemblingemotional—”Reike’svoicefadesintoajaw-breakingyawn,andIfeelawaveofaffectionforher.EventhoughherfavoritepastimeisenteringmypersonalitytraitsintoWebMDanddiagnosingmewithimaginarydisorders.
“Gotobed,Reike.I’llcallyousoon.”
“Yeah,okay.”Anothersmallyawn.“ButI’mright,Beetch.Andyou’rewrong.”
“Ofcourse.Goodnight,babe.”
IhangupandspendafewmoreminutespettingFinneas.Whenheslipsouttothefreshbreezeoftheearly-springnight,Ibegintopack.AsIfoldmyskinnyjeansandcolorfultops,IcomeacrosssomethingIhaven’tseeninawhile:adresswithyellowpolkadotsoverbluecotton—thesameblueofDr.Curie’sweddinggown.Target,springcollection,circafivemillionyearsago.Twelvedollars,giveortake.It’stheoneIwaswearingwhenLevidecidedthatIambutasentientbunion,themostrepugnantofnature’screatures.
Ishrug,andstuffitintomysuitcase.2
VAGUSNERVE:BLACKOUT
“BYTHEWAY,youcangetleprosyfromarmadillos.”
IpeelmynoseawayfromtheairplanewindowandglanceatRocío,myresearchassistant.“Really?”
“Yep.Theygotitfromhumansmillenniaago,andnowthey’regivingitbacktous.”Sheshrugs.“Revengeandcolddishesandallthat.”
Iscrutinizeherbeautifulfaceforhintsthatshe’slying.Herlargedarkeyes,heavilyrimmedwitheyeliner,areinscrutable.HerhairissoVantablack,itabsorbs99percentofvisiblelight.Hermouthisfull,curveddownwardinitstypicalpout.
Nope.Igotnothing.“Isthisforreal?”
“WouldIeverlietoyou?”
“LastweekyousworetomethatStephenKingwaswritingaWinnie-the-Poohspin-off.”AndIbelievedher.LikeIbelievedthatLadyGagaisaknownsatanist,orthatbadmintonracquetsaremadefromhumanbonesandintestines.Chaoticgothmisanthropyandcreepydeadpansarcasmareherbrand,andIshouldknowbetterthantotakeherseriously.Problemis,everyonceinawhileshe’llthrowinacrazy-soundingstorythatuponfurtherinspection(i.e.,aGooglesearch)isrevealedtobetrue.Forinstance,didyouknowthatTheTexasChainsawMassacrewasinspiredbyatruestory?BeforeRocío,Ididn’t.AndIsleptsignificantlybetter.
“Don’tbelieveme,then.”Sheshrugs,goingbacktohergradschooladmissionprepbook.“Gopettheleperarmadillosanddie.”
She’ssuchaweirdo.Iadoreher.
“Hey,yousureyou’regoingtobefine,awayfromAlexforthenextfewmonths?”Ifeelalittleguiltyfortakingherawayfromherboyfriend.WhenIwastwenty-two,ifsomeonehadaskedmetobeapartfromTimformonths,I’dhavewalkedintothesea.Thenagain,hindsighthasprovenbeyonddoubtthatIwasacompleteidiot,andRocíoseemsprettyenthusedovertheopportunity.SheplanstoapplytoJohnsHopkins’sneuroprograminthefall,andtheNASAlineonherCVwon’thurt.SheevenhuggedmewhenIofferedherthechancetocomealong—amomentofweaknessI’msureshedeeplyregrets.
“Fine?Areyoukidding?”ShelooksatmelikeI’minsane.“ThreemonthsinTexas,doyouknowhowmanytimesI’llgettoseeLaLlorona?”
“La…what?”
SherollshereyesandpopsinherAirPods.“Youreallyknownothingaboutfamedfeministghosts.”
Ibitebackasmileandturnbacktothewindow.In1905,Dr.CuriedecidedtoinvestherNobelPrizemoneyintohiringherfirstresearchassistant.Iwonderifshe,too,endedupworkingwithamildlyterrifying,Cthulhu-worshippingemogirl.IstareatthecloudsuntilI’mbored,andthenItakemyphoneoutofmypocketandconnecttothecomplimentaryin-flightWi-Fi.IglanceatRocío,makingsurethatshe’snotpayingattentiontome,andanglemyscreenaway.
I’mnotaverysecretiveperson,mostlyoutoflaziness:Irefusetotakeonthecognitivelaboroftrackingliesandomissions.Ido,however,haveonesecret.OnesinglepieceofinformationthatI’veneversharedwithanyone—notevenmysister.Don’tgetmewrong,ItrustReikewithmylife,butIalsoknowherwellenoughtopicturethescene:sheiswearingaflowysundress,flirtingwithaScottishshepherdshemetinatrattoriaontheAmalfiCoast.TheydecidetodotheshroomstheyjustpurchasedfromaBelarusianfarmer,andmid-tripsheaccidentallyblurtsouttheonethingshe’sbeenexpresslyforbiddentorepeat:hertwinsister,Bee,runsoneofthemostpopularandcontroversialaccountsonAcademicTwitter.TheScottishshepherd’scousinisaclosetedmen’srightsactivistwhosendsmeadeadpossuminthemail,ratsmeouttohisinsanefriends,andIgetfired
No,thankyou.Ilovemyjob(andpossums)toomuchforthis.
Icreated@WhatWouldMarieDoduringmyfirstsemesterofgradschool.Iwasteachinganeuroanatomyclass,anddecidedtogivemystudentsananonymousmid-semestersurveytoaskforhonestfeedbackonhowtoimprovethecourse.WhatIgotwas…notthat.IwastoldthatmylectureswouldbemoreinterestingifIdeliveredthemnaked.ThatIshouldgainsomeweight,getaboobjob,stopdyingmyhair“unnaturalcolors,”getridofmypiercings.IwasevengivenaphonenumbertocallifIwas“everinthemoodforaten-inchdick.”(Yeah,right.)
Themessageswereprettyappalling,butwhatsentmesobbinginabathroomstallwasthereactionsoftheotherstudentsinmycohort—Timincluded.Theylaughedthecommentsoffasharmlesspranksanddissuadedmefromreportingthemtothedepartmentchair,tellingmethatI’dbemakingastinkaboutnothing
Theywere,ofcourse,allmen.
(Seriously:whyaremen?)
ThatnightIfellasleepcrying.ThefollowingdayIgotup,wonderedhowmanyotherwomeninSTEMfeltasaloneasIdid,andimpulsivelydownloadedTwitterandmade@WhatWouldMarieDo.IslappedonapoorlyphotoshoppedpicofDr.Curiewearingsunglassesandaone-linebio:Makingtheperiodictablegirliersince1889(she/her).Ijustwantedtoscreamintothevoid.Ihonestlydidn’tthinkthatanyonewouldevenseemyfirsttweet.ButIwaswrong.
@WhatWouldMarieDoWhatwouldDr.Curie,firstfemaleprofessoratLaSorbonne,doifoneofherstudentsaskedhertodeliverherlecturesnaked?
@198888Shewouldshortenhishalf-life.
@annahhhhRATHIMOUTTOPIERRE!!!
@emily89Putsomepoloniuminhispantsandwatchhisdickshrivel.
@bioworm55NukehimNUKEHIM
@lucyintheseaHasthishappenedtoyou?GodI’msosorry.Onceastudentsaidsomethingaboutmyassanditwassogrossandnoonebelievedme.
Overhalfadecadelater,afterahandfulofChronicleofHigherEducationnods,aNewYorkTimesarticle,andaboutamillionfollowers,WWMDismyhappyplace.What’sbestis,Ithinkthesameistrueformanyothers.Theaccounthasevolvedintoatherapeuticcommunityofsorts,usedbywomeninSTEMtotelltheirstories,exchangeadvice,and…bitch.
Oh,webitch.Webitchalot,andit’sglorious.
@BiologySarahHey,@WhatWouldMarieDoifsheweren’tgivenauthorshiponaprojectthatwasoriginallyherideaandthatsheworkedonforoveroneyear?Allotherauthorsaremen,because*ofcourse*theyare.
“Yikes.”Iscrunchmyfaceandquote-tweetSarah.
Mariewouldslipsomeradiumintheircoffee.Also,shewouldconsiderreportingthistoherinstitution’sOfficeofResearchIntegrity,makingsuretodocumenteverystepoftheprocess
Ihitsend,drummyfingersonthearmrest,andwait.Myanswersarenotthemainattractionoftheaccount,notintheleast.TherealreasonpeoplereachouttoWWMDis…
Yep.This.Ifeelmygrinwidenastherepliesstartcomingin.
@DrAllixxThishappenedtome,too.IwastheonlywomanandonlyPOCintheauthorlineupandmynamesuddenlydisappearedduringrevisions.DMifuwanttochat,Sarah.
@AmyBernardIamamemberoftheWomeninScienceassociation,andwehaveadviceforsituationslikethisonourwebsite(they’resadlycommon)!
@TheGeologicianGoingthroughthesamesituationrn@BiologySarah.IdidreportittoORIandit’sstillunfoldingbutI’mhappytotalkifyouneedtovent.
@SteveHarrisonDude,breakingnews:you’relyingtoyourself.Yourcontributionsaren’tVALUABLEenoughtowarrantauthorship.Yourteamdidyouafavorlettingyoutagalongforawhilebutifyou’renotsmartenough,you’reOUT.Noteverythingisaboutbeingawoman,sometimesyou’rejustALOSERItisatruthuniversallyacknowledgedthatacommunityofwomentryingtomindtheirownbusinessmustbeinwantofarandomman’sopinion.
I’velonglearnedthatengagingwithbasement-dwellingstemlordswhocomeonlinelookingforafightisneveragoodidea—thelastthingIwantistoprovidefreeentertainmentfortheirfragileegos.Iftheywanttoblowoffsomesteam,theycanbuyagymmembershiporplaythird-person-shootervideogames.Likenormalpeople.
Imaketohide@SteveHarrison’sdelightfulcontribution,butnoticethatsomeonehasrepliedtohim.
@ShmacademicsYeah,Marie,sometimesyou’rejustaloser.Stevewouldknow.
Ichuckle.
@WhatWouldMarieDoAw,Steve.Don’tbetoohardonyourself.
@ShmacademicsHeisjustaboy,standinginfrontofagirl,askinghertodotwiceasmuchworkasheeverdidinordertoprovethatshe’sworthyofbecomingascientist.
@WhatWouldMarieDoSteve,youoldromantic.
@SteveHarrisonFuckyou.ThisridiculouspushforwomeninSTEMisruiningSTEM.Peopleshouldgetjobsbecausethey’regoodNOTBECAUSETHEYHAVEVAGINAS.ButnowpeoplefeelliketheyhavetohirewomenandtheygetjobsovermenwhoareMOREQUALIFIED.ThisistheendofSTEMANDIT’SWRONG
@WhatWouldMarieDoIcanseeyou’reupsetaboutthis,Steve.
@ShmacademicsThere,there.
Steveblocksbothofus,andIchuckleagain,drawingacuriousglancefromRocío.@ShmacademicsisanotherhugelypopularaccountonAcademicTwitter,andbyfarmyfavorite.Hemostlytweetsabouthowheshouldbewriting,makesfunofelitismandivory-toweracademics,andpointsoutbadorbiasedscience.Iwasinitiallyabitdistrustfulofhim—hisbiosays“he/him,”andweallknowhowmenontheinternetcanbe.ButheandIendedupforminganallianceofsorts.WhenthestemlordstakeoffenseatthesheerideaofwomeninSTEMandstartpitchforkinginmymentions,hehelpsmeridiculethemalittle.I’mnotsurewhenwestarteddirectmessaging,whenIstoppedbeingafraidthathewassecretlyaretiredGamergaterouttodoxxme,orwhenIbeganconsideringhimafriend.Butahandfulofyearslater,hereweare,chattingabouthalfadozendifferentthingsacoupleoftimesaweek,withouthavingevenexchangedrealnames.Isitweird,knowingthatShmachadlicethreetimesinsecondgradebutnotwhichtimezonehelivesin?Abit.Butit’salsoliberating.Plus,havingopinionsonlinecanbeverydangerous.Theinternetisaseafullofcreepy,cybercriminalfish,andifMarkZuckerbergcancoverhislaptopwebcamwithapieceoftape,Ireservetherighttokeepthingspainfullyanonymous.
Theflightattendantoffersmeaglassofwaterfromatray.Ishakemyhead,smile,andDMShmac.
MARIE:IthinkStevedoesn’twanttoplaywithusanymore.
SHMAC:IthinkStevewasn’theldenoughasatadpole.
MARIE:Lol!
SHMAC:How’slife?
MARIE:Good!Coolnewprojectstartingnextweek.Myticketawayfrommygrossboss.
SHMAC:Can’tbelievedude’sstillaround.
MARIE:Thepowerofconnections.Andinertia.Whataboutyou?
SHMAC:Work’sinteresting.
MARIE:Goodinteresting?
SHMAC:Politickyinteresting.So,no.
MARIE:I’mafraidtoask.How’stherest?
SHMAC:Weird.
MARIE:Didyourcatpoopinyourshoeagain?
SHMAC:No,butIdidfindatomatoinmyboottheotherday.
MARIE:Sendpicsnexttime!What’sgoingon?
SHMAC:Nothing,really.
MARIE:Oh,comeon!
SHMAC:Howdoyouevenknowsomething’sgoingon?
MARIE:Yourlackofexclamationpoints!
SHMAC:!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!!
MARIE:Shmac.
SHMAC:FYI,I’msighingdeeply.
MARIE:Ibet.Tellme!
SHMAC:It’sagirl.
MARIE:Ooooh!TellmeEVERYTHING!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!!
SHMAC:Thereisn’tmuchtotell.
MARIE:Didyoujustmeether?
SHMAC:No.She’ssomeoneI’veknownforalongtime,andnowshe’sback.
SHMAC:Andsheismarried.
MARIE:Toyou?
SHMAC:Depressingly,no.
SHMAC:Sorry—we’rerestructuringthelab.Gottagobeforesomeonedestroysa5milpieceofequipment.Talklater.
MARIE:Sure,butI’llwanttoknoweverythingaboutyouraffairwithamarriedwoman.
SHMAC:Iwish.
It’snicetoknowthatShmacisalwaysaclickaway,especiallynowthatI’mflyingintoTheWardass’sfrosty,unwelcominglap.
IswitchtomyemailapptocheckifLevihasfinallyansweredtheemailIsentthreedaysago.Itwasjustacoupleoflines—Hey,longtimenosee,Ilookforwardtoworkingtogetheragain,wouldyouliketomeettodiscussBLINKthisweekend?—buthemusthavebeentoobusytoreply.Ortoofullofcontempt.Orboth.
Ugh.
Ileanbackagainsttheheadrestandclosemyeyes,wonderinghowDr.CuriewoulddealwithLeviWard.She’dprobablyhidesomeradioactiveisotopesinhispockets,grabpopcorn,andwatchnucleardecayworkitsmagic.
Yep,soundsaboutright.
Afterafewminutes,Ifallasleep.IdreamthatLeviispartarmadillo:hisskinglowsafaint,sallowgreen,andhe’sdiggingatomatooutofhisbootwithanexpensivepieceofequipment.Evenwithallofthat,theweirdestthingabouthimisthathe’sfinallybeingnicetome.
???
WE’REPUTUPinsmallfurnishedapartmentsinalodgingfacilityjustoutsidetheJohnsonSpaceCenter,onlyacoupleofminutesfromtheSullivanDiscoveryBuilding,wherewe’llbeworking.Ican’tbelievehowshortmycommuteisgoingtobe.
“Betyou’llstillmanagetobelateallthetime,”Rocíotellsme,andIglareatherwhileunlockingmydoor.It’snotmyfaultifI’vespentasizablechunkofmyformativeyearsinItaly,wheretimeisbutapolitesuggestion
TheplaceisconsiderablynicerthantheapartmentIrent—maybebecauseoftheraccoonincident,probablybecauseIbuy90percentofmyfurniturefromtheas-isbargaincorneratIKEA.Ithasabalcony,adishwasher,and—hugeimprovementinmyqualityoflife—atoiletthatflushes100percentofthetimesIpushthelever.Trulyparadigmshifting.Iexcitedlyopenandcloseeverysinglecupboard(they’reallempty;I’mnotsurewhatIexpected),takepicturestosendReikeandmycoworkers,stickmyfavoriteMarieCuriemagnettothefridge(apictureofherholdingabeakerthatsays“I’mprettyrad”),hangmyhummingbirdfeederonthebalcony,andthen…
It’sstillonlytwothirtyp.m.Ugh.
NotthatI’moneofthosepeoplewhohateshavingfreetime.Icouldeasilyspendfivesolidhoursnapping,rewatchinganentireseasonofTheOfficewhileeatingTwizzlers,ormovingtoStep2oftheCouch-to-5KplanI’mstillvery…okay,sortofcommittedto.ButIamhere!InHouston!NeartheSpaceCenter!Abouttostartthecoolestprojectofmylife!
It’sFriday,andI’mnotduetocheckinuntilMonday,butI’mbrimmingwithnervousenergy.SoItextRocíotoaskwhethershewantstocheckouttheSpaceCenterwithme(No.)orgrabdinnertogether(Ionlyeatanimalcarcasses.).
She’ssomean.Iloveher.
MyfirstimpressionofHoustonis:big.Closelyfollowedby:humid,andthenby:humidlybig.InMaryland,remnantsofsnowstillclingtotheground,buttheSpaceCenterisalreadylushandgreen,amixofopenspacesandlargebuildingsandoldNASAaircraftondisplay.Therearefamiliesvisiting,whichmakesitseemalittlelikeanamusementpark.Ican’tbelieveI’mgoingtobeseeingrocketsonmywaytoworkforthenextthreemonths.ItsurebeatsthepervcrossingguardwhoworksontheNIHcampus.
TheDiscoveryBuildingisontheoutskirtsofthecenter.It’swide,futuristic,andthree-storied,withglasswallsandacomplicated-lookingstairsystemIcan’tquitefigureout.Istepinsidethemarblehall,wonderingifmynewofficewillhaveawindow.I’mnotusedtonaturallight;thesuddenintakeofvitaminDmightkillme.
“I’mBeeK?nigswasser.”Ismileatthereceptionist.“I’mstartingworkhereonMonday,andIwaswonderingifIcouldtakealookaround?”
Hegivesmeanapologeticsmile.“Ican’tletyouinifyoudon’thaveanIDbadge.Theengineeringlabsareupstairs—high-securityareas.”
Right.Yes.Theengineeringlabs.Levi’slabs.He’sprobablyupthere,hardatwork.Engineering.Labbing.Notansweringmyemails.
“Noproblem,that’sunderstandable.I’lljust—”
“Dr.K?nigswasser?Bee?”
Iturnaround.Thereisablondyoungmanbehindme.He’snon-threateninglyhandsome,mediumheight,smilingatmelikewe’reoldfriendseventhoughhedoesn’tlookfamiliar.“…Hi?”
“Ididn’tmeantoeavesdrop,butIcaughtyournameand…I’mGuy.GuyKowalsky?”
Thenameclicksimmediately.Ibreakintoagrin.“Guy!It’ssonicetomeetyouinperson.”WhenIwasfirstnotifiedofBLINK,Guywasmypointofcontactforlogisticsquestions,andheandIemailedbackandforthafewtimes.He’sanastronaut—anactualastronaut!—workingonBLINKwhilehe’sgrounded.Heseemedsofamiliarwiththeproject,Iinitiallyassumedhe’dbemyco-lead.
Heshakesmyhandwarmly.“Iloveyourwork!I’vereadallyourarticles—you’llbesuchanassettotheproject.”
“Likewise.Ican’twaittocollaborate.”
IfIweren’tdehydratedfromtheflight,I’dprobablytearup.Icannotbelievethatthisman,thisnice,pleasantmanwhohasgivenmemorepositiveinteractionsinoneminutethanDr.Wardassdidinoneyear,couldhavebeenmyco-lead.Imusthavepissedoffsomegod.Zeus?Eros?MustbePoseidon.Shouldn’thavepeedintheBalticSeaduringmymisspentyouth.
“Whydon’tIshowyouaround?Youcancomeinasmyguest.”Henodstothereceptionistandgesturesatmetofollowhim.
“Iwouldn’twanttotakeyouawayfrom…astronauting?”
“I’mbetweenmissions.Givingyouatourbeatsdebugginganyday.”Heshrugs,somethingboyishlycharmingabouthim.We’llgetalonggreat,Ialreadyknowit.
“HaveyoulivedinHoustonlong?”Iaskaswestepintotheelevator.
“Abouteightyears.CametoNASArightoutofgradschool.AppliedfortheAstronautCorps,didthetraining,thenamission.”Idosomemathinmyhead.Itwouldputhiminhismid-thirties,olderthanIinitiallythought.“Thepasttwoorso,IworkedonBLINK’sprecursor.Engineeringthestructureofthehelmet,figuringoutthewirelesssystem.Butwegottoapointwhereweneededaneurostimulationexpertonboard.”Hegivesmeawarmsmile.
“Icannotwaittoseewhatwecookuptogether.”IalsocannotwaittofindoutwhyLeviwasgiventheleadofthisprojectoversomeonewhohasbeenonitforyears.Itjustseemsunfair.ToGuyandtome.
Theelevatordoorsopen,andhepointstoaquaint-lookingcaféinthecorner.“Thatplaceoverthere—amazingsandwiches,worstcoffeeintheworld.Youhungry?”
“No,thanks.”
“Yousure?It’sonme.Theeggsandwichesarealmostasgoodasthecoffeeisbad.”
“Idon’treallyeateggs.”
“Letmeguess,avegan?”
Inod.Itryhardtobreakthestereotypesthatplaguemypeopleandnotusetheword“vegan”inmyfirstthreemeetingswithanewacquaintance,butifthey’retheonestomentionit,allbetsareoff.
“Ishouldintroduceyoutomydaughter.Sherecentlyannouncedthatshewon’teatanimalproductsanymore.”Hesighs.“LastweekendIpouredregularmilkinhercerealfiguringshewouldn’tknowthedifference.Shetoldmethatherlegalteamwillbeintouch.”
“Howoldisshe?”
“Justturnedsix.”
Ilaugh.“Goodluckwiththat.”
Istoppedhavingmeatatseven,whenIrealizedthatthedeliciouspollonuggetsmySiciliangrandmotherservednearlyeverydayandthecutegallinegrazingaboutthefarmweremore…connectedthanI’doriginallysuspected.Stunningplottwist,Iknow.Reikewasn’tnearlyasdistraught:whenIfranticallyexplainedthat“pigshavefamilies,too—amomandadadandsiblingsthatwillmissthem,”shejustnoddedthoughtfullyandsaid,“Whatyou’resayingis,weshouldeatthewholefamily?”Iwentfullyveganacoupleofyearslater.Meanwhile,mysisterhasmadeitherlife’sgoaltoeatenoughanimalproductsfortwo.Togetherweemitonenormalperson’scarbonfootprint.
“Theengineeringlabsaredownthishallway,”Guysays.Thespaceisaninterestingmixofglassandwood,andIcanseeinsidesomeoftherooms.“Abitcluttered,andmostpeopleareofftoday—we’reshufflingaroundequipmentandreorganizingthespace.We’vegotlotsofongoingprojects,butBLINK’severyone’sfavoritechild.Theotherastronautspopbyeveryonceinawhilejusttoaskhowmuchlongeritwillbeuntiltheirfancyswagisready.”
Igrin.“Forreal?”
“Yep.”
Makingfancyswagforastronautsismyliteraljobdescription.IcanaddittomyLinkedInprofile.NotthatanyoneusesLinkedIn.
“Theneurosciencelabs—yourlabs—willbeontheright.Thiswaythereare—”Hisphonerings.“Sorry—mindifItakeit?”
“Notatall.”Ismileathisbeaverphonecase(nature’sengineer)andlookaway.
IwonderwhetherGuywouldthinkI’mlameifIsnappedafewpicturesofthebuildingformyfriends.IdecidethatIcanlivewiththat,butwhenItakeoutmyphoneIhearanoisefromdownthehallway.It’ssoftandchirpy,andsoundsalotlikea…
“Meow.”
IglancebackatGuy.He’sbusyexplaininghowtoputonMoanatosomeoneveryyoung,soIdecidetoinvestigate.Mostoftheroomsaredeserted,labsfulloflarge,abstruseequipmentthatlookslikeitbelongsto…well.NASA.Ihearmalevoicessomewhereinthebuilding,butnosignofthe—
“Meow.”
Iturnaround.Afewfeetaway,staringatmewithacuriousexpression,isabeautifulyoungcalico.
“Andwhomightyoube?”Islowlyholdoutmyhand.Thekittencomescloser,delicatelysniffsmyfingers,andgivesmeawelcomingheadbutt.
Ilaugh.“You’resuchasweetgirl.”Isquatdowntoscratchherunderherchin.Shenipsmyfinger,aplayfullovebite.“Aren’tyouthemostpurr-fectlittlebaby?Ifeelsofur-tunatetohavemetyou.”
Shegivesmeadisdainfullookandturnsaway.Ithinksheunderstandspuns.
“Comeon,Iwasjustkitten.”Anotheroutragedglare.Thenshejumpsonanearbycart,piledceiling-highwithboxesandheavy,precarious-lookingequipment.“Whereareyougoing?”
Isquint,tryingtofigureoutwhereshedisappearedto,andthat’swhenIrealizeit.Theequipment?Theprecarious-lookingequipment?Itactuallyisprecarious.Andthecatpokeditjustenoughtodislodgeit.Andit’sfallingonmyhead.
Right.
About.
Now.
Ihavelessthanthreesecondstomoveaway.Whichistoobad,becausemyentirebodyissuddenlymadeofstone,unresponsivetomybrain’scommands.Istandthere,terrified,paralyzed,andclosemyeyesasajumbledchaosofthoughtstwiststhroughmyhead.Isthecatokay?AmIgoingtodie?OhGod,Iamgoingtodie.SquashedbyatungstenanvillikeWileE.Coyote.Iamatwenty-first-centuryPierreCurie,abouttogetmyskullcrushedbyahorse-drawncart.ExceptthatIhavenochairinthephysicsdepartmentoftheUniversityofParistoleavetomylovelyspouse,Marie.ExceptthatIhavebarelydoneatenthofallthescienceImeanttodo.ExceptthatIwantedsomanythingsandIneverohmyGodanysecondnow—
Somethingslamsintomybody,shovingmeasideandintothewall.
Everythingispain.
Foracoupleofseconds.Thenthepainisover,andeverythingisnoise:metalclankingasitplungestothefloor,horrifiedscreaming,ashrill“Meow”somewhereinthedistance,andclosertomyear…someoneispanting.Lessthananinchfromme.
Iopenmyeyes,gaspingforbreath,and
Green.
AllIcanseeisgreen.Notdark,likethegrassoutside;notdull,likethepistachiosIhadontheplane.Thisgreenislight,piercing,intense.Familiar,buthardtoplace,notunlike—
Eyes.I’mlookingupintothegreenesteyesI’veeverseen.EyesthatI’veseenbefore.Eyessurroundedbywavyblackhairandafacethat’sanglesandsharpedgesandfulllips,afacethat’soffensively,imperfectlyhandsome.Afaceattachedtoalarge,solidbody—abodythatispinningmetothewall,abodymadeofabroadchestandtwothighsthatcouldmoonlightasredwoods.Easily.Oneisslottedbetweenmylegsandit’sholdingmeup.Unyielding.Thismanevensmellslikeaforest—andthatmouth.Thatmouthisstillbreathingheavilyontopofme,probablyfromtheeffortofwhiskingmeoutfromundersevenhundredpoundsofmechanicalengineeringtools,and—
Iknowthatmouth.
Levi.
Levi.
Ihaven’tseenLeviWardinsixyears.Sixblessed,blissfulyears.Andnowhereheis,pushingmeintoawallinthemiddleofNASA’sSpaceCenter,andhelooks…helooks.
“Levi!”someoneyells.Theclankinggoessilent.Whatwasmeanttofallhassettledonthefloor.“Areyouokay?”
Levidoesn’tmove,nordoeshelookaway.Hismouthworks,andsodoeshisthroat.Hislipsparttosaysomething,butnosoundcomesout.Instead,ahand,atoncerushedandgentle,reachesuptocupmyface.It’ssolarge,Ifeelperfectlycradled.Engulfedingreen,cozywarmth.Iwhimperwhenitleavesmyskin,aplaintive,involuntarysoundfromdeepinmythroat,butIstopwhenIrealizethatit’sonlyshiftingtothebackofmyskull.Tothehollowofmycollarbone.Tomybrow,pushingbackmyhair.
It’sacautioustouch.Pressingbutdelicate.Lingeringbuturgent.Asthoughheisstudyingme.TryingtomakesurethatI’mallinonepiece.Memorizingme.
Iliftmyeyes,andforthefirsttimeInoticethedeep,unmaskedconcerninLevi’seyes.
Hislipsmove,andIthinkthatmaybe—ishemouthingmyname?Once,andthenagain?Likeit’ssomekindofprayer?
“Levi?Levi,isshe—”
Myeyelidsfallclosed,andeverythinggoesdark.3
ANGULARGYRUS:PAYATTENTION
ONWEEKDAYS,Iusuallysetmyalarmforsevena.m.—andthenfindmyselfsnoozingitanywherefromthree(“Ravingsuccess”)toeighttimes(“Ihopeaswarmofrabidlocustsattacksmeonmywaytowork,thusallowingmetofindsolaceinthecoldembraceofdeath”).OnMonday,however,theunprecedentedhappens:I’mupatfiveforty-five,bright-eyedandbushy-tailed.Ispitoutmynightretainer,runintothebathroom,anddon’tevenwaitforthewatertowarmuptostepundertheshower.
Iamthateager.
AsIpouralmondmilkonmyoatmeal,IgiveradDr.Curiethefingerguns.“BLINK’sstartingtoday,”Itellthemagnet.“Sendgoodvibes.Holdtheradiations.”
Ican’trememberthelasttimeI’vebeenthisexcited.ProbablybecauseI’veneverbeenpartofanythingthisexciting.Istandinfrontofmyclosettopickoutanoutfitandfocusonthat—thesheerexcitement—toavoidthinkingaboutwhathappenedonFriday.
Tobefair,thereisn’tmuchtothinkabout.IonlyrememberupuntilthemomentIfainted.Yes,IswoonedinHisWardness’smanlyarmslikeatwentieth-centuryhystericwithpenisenvy.
It’snothingnew,really.Ifaintallthetime:whenIhaven’teateninawhile;whenIseepicturesoflarge,hairyspiders;whenIstanduptooquicklyfromasittingposition.Mybody’spuzzlinginabilitytomaintainminimalbloodpressureinthefaceofnormaleverydayeventsmakesme,asReikelikestosay,asyncopeaficionado.Doctorsarepuzzledbutultimatelyunconcerned.I’velonglearnedtodustmyselfoffassoonasIregainconsciousnessandgoaboutmybusiness.
Friday,though,wasdifferent.Icametoinafewmoments—catnowhereinsight—butmyneuronsmusthavestillbeenmisfiringbecauseIhallucinatedsomethingthatcouldneverhappen:LeviWardbridal-carryingmetothelobbyandgentlylayingmeononeofthecouches.ThenImusthavehallucinatedsomemore:LeviWardviciouslytearinganewoneintotheengineerwho’dleftthecartunattended.Thathadtohavebeenafeverdream,forseveralreasons.
Firstofall,Leviisterrifying,butnotthatterrifying.Hisbrandismorekill-’em-with-icy-cold-indifference-and-silent-contemptthanangryoutbursts.Unlessinourtimeaparthe’sembracedawholenewlevelofterrifying,inwhichcase…lovely.
Second,it’sdifficult,andby“difficult”Imeanimpossible,toimaginehimsidingagainstanon-mepartyinanyme-involvedaccident.Yes,hedidsavemylife,butthere’sagoodchancehehadnoideawhoIevenwaswhenheshovedmeagainstthewall.ThisisDr.Wardass,afterall.Themanwhooncestoodforatwo-hourmeetingratherthantakethelastemptyseatbecauseitwasnexttome.Themanwhoexitedagameofpokerhewaswinningbecausesomeonedealtmein.ThemanwhohuggedeveryoneinthelabonhislastdayatPitt,andpromptlyswitchedtohandshakeswhenitwasmyturn.Ifhecaughtsomeonestabbingme,he’dprobablyblamemeforwalkingintotheknife—andthentakeouthiswhetstone.
Clearly,mybrainwasn’tatherbestonFriday.AndIcouldstandhere,stareatmycloset,andagonizeoverthefactthatmygradschoolnemesissavedmylife.OrIcouldbaskinmyexcitementandpickanoutfit.
Ioptforblackskinnyjeansandapolka-dottedredtop.IpullupmyhairinbraidsthatwouldmakeaDutchmilkmaidproud,putonredlipstick,andkeepthejewelrytoarelativeminimum—theusualearrings,myfavoriteseptumpiercing,andmymaternalgrandmother’sringonmylefthand.
It’sabitweirdtowearsomeoneelse’sweddingring,butit’stheonlymementoIhaveofmynonna,andIliketoputitonwhenIneedsomegoodluck.ReikeandImovedtoMessinatobewithherrightafterourparentsdied.Weendeduphavingtomoveagainjustthreeyearslaterwhenshepassed,butoutofalltheshort-livedhomes,outofalltheextendedrelatives,Nonnaistheonewholovedusthemost.SoReikewearsherengagementring,andIwearherweddingband.Even-steven.Ishootaquick,upliftingtweetfrommyWWMDaccount(HappyMonday!KEEPCALMANDCURIEON,FRIENDS)andheadout.
“Youexcited?”IaskRocíowhenIpickherup.
Shestaresatmedarklyandsays,“InFrance,theguillotinewasusedasrecentlyas1977.”Itakeitasaninvitationtoshutup,andIdo,smilinglikeanidiot.I’mstillsmilingwhenwegetourNASAIDpicturestakenandwhenwelatermeetupwithGuyforaformaltour.It’sasmilefueledbypositiveenergyandhope.Asmilethatsays,“I’mgoingtorockthisproject”and“Watchmestimulateyourbrain”and“I’mgoingtomakeneurosciencemybitch.”
AsmilethatfalterswhenGuyswipeshisbadgetounlockyetanotheremptyroom.
“Andhere’swherethetranscranialmagneticstimulationdevicewillbe,”hesays—justanothervariationofthesamesentenceI’veheardover.Andover.Andover
“Hereiswheretheelectroencephalographylabwillbe.”
“Hereyou’lldoparticipantintakeoncetheReviewBoardapprovestheproject.”
“Herewillbethetestingroomyouaskedfor.”
Justalotofroomsthatwillbe,butaren’tyet.EventhoughcommunicationsbetweenNASAandNIHindicatedthateverythingneededtocarryoutthestudywouldbeherewhenIstarted.
Itrytokeeponsmiling.It’shopefullyjustadelay.Besides,whenDr.CuriewasawardedtheNobelPrizein1903,shedidn’tevenhaveaproperlab,anddidallofherresearchoutofaconvertedshed.Science,ItellmyselfinmyinnerJeffGoldblumvoice,findsaway.
ThenGuyopensthelastroomandsays,“Andhere’stheofficeyoutwowillshare.Yourcomputershouldarrivesoon.”Thatiswhenmysmileturnsintoafrown.
It’snice,theoffice.Largeandbright,withrefreshinglynot-rusted-throughdesksandchairsthatwillprovidejusttherightamountoflumbarsupport.Andyet.
Firstofall,it’sasdistantfromtheengineeringlabsaspossible.I’mnotkidding:ifsomeonegrabbedaprotractorandsolvedforx(i.e.,thepointthat’sfarthestfromLevi’soffice),they’dfindthatx=mydesk.Somuchforinterdisciplinaryworkspacesandcollaborativelayouts.Butthat’salmostsecondary,because
“Didyousaycomputer?Singular?”Rocíolookshorrified.“Like…one?”
Guynods.“Theoneyouputonyourlist.”
“Weneed,like,tencomputersforthetypeofdataprocessingwedo,”shepointsout.“We’retalkingmultivariatestatistics.Independentcomponentanalysis.Multidimensionalscalingandrecursivepartitioning.Sixsigma—”
“Soyouneedmore?”
“Attheveryleast,buyusanabacus.”
Guyblinks,confused.“…Awhat?”
“Weputfivecomputersonourlist,”IinterjectwithasidelookatRocío.“Wewillneedallofthem.”
“Okay.”Henods,takingouthisphone.“I’llmakeanotetotellLevi.We’reheadingtomeethimrightnow.Followme.”
Myheartbeataccelerates—probablybecausethelasttimeIsawLevimybrainconfabulatedthathewascarryingmeAnOfficerandaGentleman–style,andthepreviouscameonthetailofayearofhimtreatingmelikeI’mataxauditor.I’mnervouslyplayingwithmygrandmother’sringandwonderingwhatdisasterofgalacticproportionsthisnextmeetinghasinstoreforme,whensomethingcatchesmyeyethroughtheglasswall.
Guynotices.“Wantasneakpeekatthehelmetprototype?”heasks.
Myeyeswiden.“Isthatwhat’sinthere?”
Henodsandsmiles.“Justtheshellfornow,butIcanshowyou.”
“Thatwouldbeamazing,”Igasp.Embarrassing,howbreathlessIsoundwhenIgetexcited.IneedtofollowthroughwithmyCouch-to-5Kplans.
ThelabismuchlargerthanIexpected—dozensofbenches,machinesI’veneverseenbeforepressedagainstthewall,andseveralresearchersatvariousstations.Ifeelafrissonofresentment—howcomeLevi’slab,unlikemine,isfullystocked?—butitquietsdowntheinstantIseeit.
It.
BLINKisacomplex,delicate,high-stakesproject,butitsmissionisstraightforwardenough:tousewhatisknownaboutmagneticstimulationofthebrain(myjam)toengineerspecialhelmets(Levi’sexpertise)thatwillreducethe“attentionalblinks”ofastronauts—thoselittlelapsesinawarenessthatareunavoidablewhenmanythingshappenatonce.It’stheculminationofdecadesofgatheringknowledge,ofengineersperfectingwirelessstimulationtechnologyononesideandneuroscientistsmappingthebrainontheother.Now,hereweare.
Neuroscienceandengineering,sittinginaveryexpensivetreecalledBLINK,K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
It’shardtocommunicatehowgroundbreakingthisis—twoseparateslicesofabstractresearchbridgingthegapbetweenacademiaandtherealworld.Foranyscientist,theprospectwouldbeexhilarating.Forme,afterthemildshitshowmycareerhasputupinthepastcoupleofyears,it’sadreamcometrue.
AllthemorenowthatI’mstandinginfrontoftangibleproofofsaiddream’sexistence.
“That’sthe…?”
“Yep.”
Rocíomurmurs,“Wow,”andforoncedoesn’tevensoundlikeasullenLovecraftianteenager.I’dteaseheraboutit,butIcan’tfocusonanythingbutthehelmetprototype.Guyissayingsomethingaboutdesignandstageofdevelopment,butItunehimoutandstepcloser.Iknewthatit’dbemadefromacombinationofKevlarandcarbonfibercloth,thatthevisorwouldcarrythermalandeye-trackingcapabilities,thatthestructurewouldbestreamlinedtohostnewfunctionalities.WhatIdidnotknowwashowstunningitwouldlook.Abreathtakingpieceofhardware,designedtohousethesoftwareI’vebeenhiredtocreate.
It’sbeautiful.It’ssleek.It’s.
Wrong.
It’sallwrong.
Ifrown,peeringcloseratthepatternofholesintheinnershell.“Arethesefortheneurostimulationoutput?”
Theengineerworkingatthehelmetstationgivesmeaconfusedlook.“ThisisDr.K?nigswasser,Lamar,”Guyexplains.“TheneuroscientistfromNIH.”
“Theonewhofainted?”
Iknewthiswouldhauntme,becauseitalwaysdoes.MynicknameinhighschoolwasSmellingSaltsBee.Damnmyuselessautonomicnervoussystem.“Theoneandonly.”Ismile.“Isthisthefinalplacementfortheoutputholes?”
“Shouldbe.Why?”
Ileancloser.“Itwon’twork.”Abriefsilencefollows,andIstudytherestofthegrid.
“Whydoyousaythat?”Guyasks.
“They’retooclose—theholes,Imean.ItlookslikeyouusedtheInternational10–20system,whichisgreattorecordbraindata,butforneurostimulation…”Ibiteintomylip.“Here,forinstance.Thisareawillstimulatetheangulargyrus,right?”
“Maybe?Letmejustcheck….”Lamarscramblestolookatachart,butIdon’tneedconfirmation.ThebrainistheoneplacewhereInevergetlost.“Upperpart—stimulationattherightfrequencywillgetyouincreasedawareness.Whichisexactlywhatwewant,right?Butstimulationofthelowerpartcancausehallucinations.Peopleexperiencingashadowfollowingthem,feelingasthoughthey’reintwoplacesatthesametime,stufflikethat.Thinkoftheconsequencesifsomeonewasinspacewhilethathappened.”Itaptheinnershellwithmyfingernail.“Theoutputswillneedtobefartherapart.”
“But…”Lamarsoundsseverelydistressed.“ThisisDr.Ward’sdesign.”
“Yeah,I’mprettysureDr.Wardknowsnothingabouttheangulargyrus,”Imurmurdistractedly.
Theensuingsilenceshouldprobablytipmeoff.Atleast,Ishouldnoticethesuddenshiftintheatmosphereofthelab.ButIdon’tandkeepstaringatthehelmet,writingpossiblemodificationsandworkaroundsinmyhead,untilathroatclearssomewhereinthebackoftheroom.That’swhenIliftmyeyesandseehim.
Levi.
Standingintheentrance.
Staringatme.
Juststaringatme.Atall,stern,snow-tippedmountain.Withhisexpression—theonefromyearsago,silentandunsmiling.AveritableMountFujiofdisdain.
Shit.
Mycheeksburn.Ofcourse.Butofcourse,hejustcaughtmetrash-talkinghisneuroanatomyskillsinfrontofhisteamlikeatotalasshole.Thisismylife,afterall:aflamingballofscorching,untimelyawkwardness.
“BorisandIareintheconferenceroom.Youreadytomeet?”heasks,hisvoiceadeep,severebaritone.Myheartthuds.Irackmybrainforsomethingtosayinresponse.
ThenGuyspeaksandIrealizethatLeviisn’tevenaddressingme.Heis,infact,completelyignoringmeandwhatIjustsaid.“Yep.Wewerejustabouttoheadthere.Gotsidetracked.”
Levinodsonceandturnsaround,asilentbutclearordertofollowhimthateveryoneseemseagertoobey.Hewaslikethatingradschool,too.Naturalleader.Commandingpresence.Someonewhosebadsideyouwouldn’twanttobeon.
Enterme.Aproudresidentofhisbadsideforseveralyears,whojustrenewedherhousingpermitwithafewsimplewords.
“IsthatDr.Ward?”Rocíowhispersasweentertheconferenceroom.
“Yup.”
“Welp.Thatwasexcellenttiming,boss.”
Iwince.“Whatarethechancesthathedidn’thearme?”
“Idon’tknow.Whatarethechancesthathispersonalhygieneisverypoorandhehashugewaxballsinhisearcanal?”
Theroomisalreadycrowded.IsighandtakethefirstemptyseatIcanfind,onlytorealizethatit’sacrossfromLevi.Awkwardnesslevel:nuclear.I’mmakingbetterandbetterchoicestoday.Cheeringeruptswhensomeonedepositstwolargeboxesofdonutsinthecenterofthetable—NASAemployeesareclearlyasenthusedbyfreefoodasregularacademics.Peoplestartcallingdibsandelbowingeachother,andGuyyellsoverthechaos,“Theoneinthecorner,withthebluefrosting,isvegan.”Ishoothimagratefulsmileandhewinksatme.He’ssuchaniceguy,myalmost-co-leader.
AsIwaitforthecrowdtodisperse,Itakestockoftheroom.Levi’steamappearstobeWurstFest?material.Thewell-knownMeatwave.ADicksplosionintheTestosteroven.ThegoodoldBrodeo.AsidefromRocíoandI,there’sonesinglewoman,ayoungblondecurrentlylookingatherphone.Mygazeismesmerizedbyherperfectbeachwavesandthepinkglitterofhernails.Ihavetoforcemyselftolookaway.
Eh.WurstFest?isbad,butit’satleastasmallstepupfromCockcluster?,whichiswhatAnnieandIcalledacademicmeetingswithonlyonewomanintheroom.I’vebeeninCockcluster?situationscountlesstimesingradschool,andtheyrangefromunpleasantlyisolatingtowildlyterrifying.AnnieandIusedtocoordinatetoattendmeetingstogether—notthathard,sinceweweresymbioticanyway.
Sadly,noneofmymalecohortevergothowawfulWurstFest?andCockcluster?areforwomen.“Gradschool’sstressfulforeveryone,”TimwouldsaywhenIcomplainedaboutmyentirelymaleadvisorycommittee.“YoukeepgoingonaboutMarieCurie—shewastheonlywomaninallofscienceatthetime,andshegottwoNobelPrizes.”
Ofcourse,Dr.Curiewasnottheonlyfemalescientistatthetime.Dr.LiseMeitner,Dr.EmmyNoether,AliceBall,Dr.NettieStevens,HenriettaLeavitt,andcountlessotherswereactive,doingbettersciencewiththetipoftheirlittlefingersthanTimwillevermanagewithhissorryass.ButTimdidn’tknowthat.Because,asInowknow,Timwasdumb.
“We’rereadytostart.”Thebaldingredheadedmanattheheadofthetableclapshishands,andpeoplescurrytotheirseats.Ileanforwardtograbmyvegandonut,butmyhandfreezesinmidair.
It’snotthereanymore.Iinspecttheboxseveraltimes,butthere’sonlycinnamonleft.ThenIliftmyeyesandIseeit:bluefrostingdisappearingbehindLevi’steethashetakesabite.Abiteofmydamndonut.Therearedozensofalternatives,butbehold:TheWardasschosetheoneIcouldeat.Whatkindofcareless,inconsiderateboobstealsthesingleavailableoptionfromastarving,needyvegan?
“IamDr.BorisCovington,”theredheadstarts.Helookslikeanexhausted,disheveledgingerhard-boiledegg.Likeheranhereforthismeeting,buttherearefivestacksofpaperworkonhisdeskwaitingforhim.“I’minchargeofoverseeingallresearchprojectshereintheDiscoveryInstitute—whichmakesmeyourboss.”Everyonelaughs,withafewgood-naturedboos.Theengineeringteamseemstobearowdybunch.“Youguysalreadyknowthat—withthenotableexceptionofDr.K?nigswasserandMs.Cortoreal,whoareheretomakesurewedon’tfailatoneofourmostambitiousprojectsyet.Levi’sgoingtobetheirpointofcontact,but,everyone,pleasemakethemfeelwelcome.”Everyoneclaps—exceptforLevi,whoisbusyfinishinghis(my)donut.Whatanabsolutedingus.“Nowlet’spretendthatIgaveanimpressivespeechandmoveontoeveryone’sfavoriteactivity:icebreakers.”Almosteveryonegroans,butIthinkI’mafanofBoris.HeseemsmuchbetterthanmyNIHboss.Forinstance,he’sbeenspeakingforonewholeminuteandhasn’tsaidanythingovertlyoffensive.“Iwantyourname,job,and…let’sdofavoritemovie.”Moregroans.“Hush,children.Levi,youstart.”
Everyoneintheroomturnstohim,buthetakeshissweettimeswallowingmydonut.Istareathisthroat,andanoddmixofphantomsensationshitsme.Histhighpushingbetweenmine.Beingpressedintothewall.Thewoodsysmellatthebaseofhis—
Wait.What?
“LeviWard,headengineer.And…”Helickssomesugaroffhisbottomlip.“TheEmpireStrikesBack.”
Oh—areyoukiddingme?Firsthestealsmydonut,andnowmyfavoritemovie?
“KayleeJackson,”theblondepicksup.“I’mprojectmanagerforBLINK,andLegallyBlonde.”ShetalksabitlikeshecouldbeoneofElleWoods’ssororitysisters,whichmakesmelikeherinstinctively.ButRocíotensesbesideme.WhenIglanceather,herbrowsarefurrowed.
Weird.
Thereareatleastthirtypeopleintheroom,andtheicebreakersgetoldverysoon.Itrytopayattention,butLamarEvansandMarkCostellostartfightingoverwhetherKillBill:Vol.2isbetterthanVol.1,andIfeelaweirdprickleinthecenterofmyforehead.
WhenIturn,Levi’sstaringhardatme,hiseyesfullofthatsomethingthatIseemtoawakeninhim.I’mabitresentfulaboutthedonut,nottomentionthathestillhasn’tansweredmyemail,butIremindmyselfofwhatBorisjustsaid:he’smymaincollaborator.SoIplayniceandgivehimacautious,slow-to-unfurlsmilethatIhopecommunicatesSorryabouttheangulargyrusjab,andIhopewe’llworkwelltogether,andHey,thankyouforsavingmylife!
Hebreakseyecontactwithoutsmilingbackandtakesasipofhiscoffee.God,Ihatehimso—
“Bee.”Rocíoelbowsme.“It’syourturn.”
“Oh,um,right.Sorry.BeeK?nigswasser,headofneuroscience.And…”Ihesitate.“EmpireStrikesBack.”WiththecornerofmyeyeIseeLevi’sfistclenchonthetable.Crap.IshouldhavejustsaidAvatar
Oncethemeetingisover,KayleecomestospeaktoRocío.“Ms.Cortoreal.MayIcallyouRocío?Ineedyoursignatureonthisdocument.”Shesmilessweetlyandholdsoutapen,whichRocíodoesn’taccept.Insteadshefreezes,staringatKayleewithhermouthopenforseveralseconds.Ihavetoelbowherintheribstogethertodefrost.Interesting.
“You’releft-handed,”KayleesayswhileRocíosigns.“Metoo.Leftiespower,right?”
Rocíodoesn’tlookup.“Left-handedpeoplearemorepronetomigraines,allergies,sleepdeprivation,alcoholism,andonaveragelivethreeyearslessthanright-handedpeople.”
“Oh.”Kaylee’seyeswiden.“I,um,didn’t…”
I’dlovetostayandwitnessmoreprimeValleyGirlandGothinteraction,butLevi’ssteppingoutoftheroom.AsmuchasIloathetheidea,we’llneedtotalkatsomepoint,soIrunafterhim.WhenIreachhim,I’mpitifullyoutofbreath.“Levi,waitup!”
Imightbereadingtoomuchintothewayhisspinegoesrigid,butsomethingabouthowhestopsremindsmeofaninmategettingcaughtbytheguardsjustastepawayfrombreakingoutofprison.Heturnsaroundslowly,hulkingbutsurprisinglygraceful,allblackandgreenandthatstrange,intenseface.
Itwasactuallyathing,backingradschool.Somethingtodebatewhilewaitingforparticipantstoshowupandanalysestorun:IsLeviactuallyhandsome?OrishejustsixfourandbuiltliketheColossusofRhodes?Therewereplentyofopinionsgoingaround.Annie,forinstance,wasverymuchincamp“Tenoutoften,wouldhaveatorridaffairwith.”AndI’dtellherEw,yikes,andlaugh,andcallheratraitor.Which…yeah.Turnedouttobeaccurate,butforcompletelydifferentreasons.
Inhindsight,I’mnotsurewhyIusedtobesoshockedabouthisfanclub.It’snotsooutlandishthataserious,taciturnmanwhohasseveralNatureNeurosciencepublicationsandlookslikehecouldbench-presstheentirefacultybodyineitherhandwouldbeconsideredattractive.
NotthatIeverdid.Oreverwill.
Infact,I’mabsolutelynotthinkingagainabouthisthighpushingbetweenmylegs.
“Hey.”Ismiletentatively.Hedoesn’tanswer,soIcontinue,“Thankyoufortheotherday.”Stillnoanswer.SoIcontinuesomemore.“Iwasn’t,youknow…standinginfrontofthatcartforshitsandgiggles.”Ineedtostoptwistingmygrandmother’sring.Stat.“Therewasacat,so—”
“Acat?”
“Yeah.Acalico.Akitten.Mostlywhite,withorangeandblackspotsontheears.Shehadthecutestlittle…”Inoticehisskepticallook.“Forreal.Therewasacat.”
“Insidethebuilding?”
“Yes.”Ifrown.“Shejumpedonthecart.Madetheboxesfall.”
Henods,clearlyunconvinced.Fantastic—nowhethinksI’mmakingupthecat.
Wait.AmImakingupthecat?DidIhallucinateit?DidI—
“CanIhelpyouwithanything?”
“Oh.”Iscratchthebackofmyhead.“No.Ijustwantedto,ah,tellyouhowexcitedIamtocollaborateagain.”Hedoesn’timmediatelyreply,andaterriblethoughtoccurstome:Levidoesn’trememberme.HehasnoideawhoIam.“Um,weusedtobeinthesamelabatPitt.Iwasafirst-yearwhenyougraduated.Wedidn’toverlaplong,but
Hisjawtenses,thenimmediatelyrelaxes.“Iremember,”hesays.
“Oh,good.”It’sarelief.Mygradschoolarchnemesisforgettingaboutmewouldbeabithumiliating.“Ithoughtyoumightnot,so—”
“Ihaveafunctioninghippocampus.”Helooksawayandadds,alittlegruffly,“Ithoughtyou’dbeatVanderbilt.WithSchreiber.”
I’msurprisedheknowsaboutthat.WhenImadeplanstogoworkinSchreiber’slab,thebestofthebestinmyfield,LevihadlongmovedonfromPitt.Thepointis,ofcourse,moot,becauseafterallthehappeningsoftwoyearsagohappened,Iendedupscramblingtofindanotherposition.ButIdon’tliketothinkaboutthattime.SoIsay,“Nope,”keepingmytoneneutraltoavoidbaringmythroattothehyena.“I’matNIH.UnderTrevorSlate.Buthe’sgreat,too.”Hereallyisn’t.Andnotjustbecauseheenjoysremindingmethatwomenhavesmallerbrainsthanmen.
“How’sTim?”
Now—that’sameanquestion.IknowforafactthatTimandLevihaveongoingcollaborations.Theyevenhostedapaneltogetheratthemainconferenceinourfieldlastyear,whichmeansthatLeviknowsthatTimandIcalledoffourwedding.Plus,hemustbeawareofwhatTimdidtome.ForthesimplereasonthateveryoneknowswhatTimdidtome.Labmates,facultymembers,janitors,theladywhomannedthesandwichstationinthePittcafeteria—theyallknew.LongbeforeIdid.
Imakemyselfsmile.“Good.He’sgood.”Idoubtit’salie.PeoplelikeTimalwayslandontheirfeet,afterall.Unlikepeoplelikeme,whofallontheirmetaphoricalasses,breaktheirtailbones,andspendyearspayingoffthemedicalbills.“Hey,whatIsaidearlier,abouttheangulargyrus…Ididn’tmeantoberude.Iwasn’tthinking.”
“It’sokay.”
“Ihopeyou’renotmad.Ididn’tmeantooverstep.”
“I’mnotmad.”
Istareupathisface.Hedoesn’tseemmad.Thenagain,healsodoesn’tseemnotmad.HejustseemsliketheoldLevi:quietlyintense,unreadable,notatallfondofme.
“Good.Great.”Myeyesfalltohislargebicep,andthentohisfist.Heisclenchingitagain.GuessDr.Wardassstilldislikesme.Whatever.Hisproblem.MaybeIhaveabadaura.Itdoesn’tmatter—I’mheretogetajobdone,andIwill.Isquaremyshoulders.“Guygavemeatourearlier.Inoticedthatnoneofourequipment’shereyet.What’stheETAforthat?”
Hislipspresstogether.“Weareworkingonit.I’llkeepyouposted.”
“Okay.MyRAandIcan’tgetanythingdoneuntilourcomputersarrive,sotheearlierthebetter.”
“I’llkeepyouposted,”herepeatstersely.
“Cool.WhencanwemeettodiscussBLINK?”
“Emailmewithtimesthatworkforyou.”
“Theyalldo.Idon’thaveascheduleuntilmyequipmentarrives,so—”
“Please,emailme.”Histone,patientandfirm,screamsI’manadultdealingwithadifficultchild,soIdon’tinsistfurther.
“Okay.Willdo.”Inod,half-heartedlywavemygoodbye,andturntowalkaway.
Ican’twaittoworkwiththisguyforthreemonths.IlovebeingtreatedlikeI’mapieceofbellybuttonlintinsteadofavaluableassettoateam.That’swhyIgotaPh.D.inneuroscience:toachievenuisancestatusandbepatronizedbytheWardassesoftheworld.Luckymefor—
“There’sonemorething,”hesays.Iturnbackandtiltmyhead.Hisexpressionisasclosedoffasusual,and—whythehellisthefeelofhisthighinmybrainagain?Notnow,intrusivethoughts
“TheDiscoveryBuildinghasadresscode.”
Hiswordsdon’tlandimmediately.Thentheydo,andIlookdowntomyclothes.Hecan’tpossiblymeanme,canhe?I’mwearingjeansandablouse.HeiswearingjeansandaHoustonMarathonT-shirt.(God,he’sprobablyoneofthoseobnoxiouspeoplewhoposttheirworkoutstatsonsocialmedia.)
“Yes?”Iprompthim,hopinghe’llexplainhimself.
“Piercings,certainhaircolors,certain…typesofmakeupareunacceptable.”Iseehiseyesfallononeofthebraidsdrapedovermyshoulderandthendriftupwardtoaspotabovemyhead.Asthoughhecan’tbeartolookatmelongerthanasplitsecond.Asthoughmysight,myexistence,offendshim.“I’llmakesureKayleesendsyouthehandbook.”
“…Unacceptable?”
“Correct.”
“Andyou’retellingmethisbecause…?”
“Please,makesureyoufollowthedresscode.”
Iwanttokickhimintheshins.Ormaybepunchhim.No—whatIreallywantistograbhischinandforcehimtostareatwhatheclearlyconsidersmyugly,offensivefacesomemore.InsteadIputmyhandsonmyhipsandsmile.“That’sinteresting.”Ikeepmytonepleasantenough.BecauseIamapleasantperson,dammit.“Becausehalfofyourteamarewearingsweatsorshorts,havevisibletattoos,andAaron,Ibelieveishisname,hasagaugeinhisear.Itmakesmewonderifmaybethere’sagendereddoublestandardatplayhere.”
Hecloseshiseyes,asthoughtryingtocollecthimself.Asthoughstavingoffawaveofanger.Angeratwhat?Mypiercings?Myhair?Mycorporealform?“Justmakesureyoufollowthedresscode.”
Icannotbelievethischucklefuck.“Areyouserious?”
Henods.AllofasuddenIamtoomadtobeinhispresence.“Verywell.I’llmakeanefforttolookacceptablefromnowon.”
Iwhirlaroundandwalkbacktotheconferenceroom.Ifmyshoulderbrusheshistorsoonmywaythere,Iamtoobusynotkneeinghiminthenutstoapologize.4
PARAHIPPOCAMPALGYRUS:SUSPICION
MYSECONDDAYonBLINKisalmostasgoodasmyfirst.
“Whatdoyoumean,wecan’tgetinsideouroffice?”
“Itoldyou.Someonedugamoatarounditandfilleditwithalligators.Andbears.Andcarnivorousmoths.”IstaresilentlyatRocíoandshesighs,swipingherIDthroughthereaderbythedoor.Itblinksredandmakesaflatnoise.“Ourbadgesdon’twork.”
Irollmyeyes.“I’llgofindKaylee.Shecanprobablyfixthis.”
“No!”
Shesoundssouncharacteristicallypanicked,Iliftaneyebrow.“No?”
“Don’tcallKaylee.Let’sjust…knockthedoordown.Countofthree?One,two—”
“Whyshouldn’tIcallKaylee?”
“Because.”Herthroatbobs.“Idon’tlikeher.She’sawitch.Shemightcurseourfamilies.Allourfirstbornsshallhaveingrowntoenails,forcenturiestocome.”
“Ithoughtyoudidn’twantkids?”
“Idon’t.I’mworriedaboutyou,boss.”
Itiltmyhead.“Ro,isthisheatstroke?ShouldIbuyyouahat?Houston’smuchwarmerthanBaltimore—”
“Maybeweshouldjustgohome.It’snotlikeourequipmentishere.Whatareweevengoingtodo?”
She’sbeingsoweird.Though,tobefair,she’salwaysweird.“Well,Ibroughtmylaptop,sowecan—Oh,Guy!”
“Hey.Doyouhavetimetoansweracoupleofquestionsforme?”
“Ofcourse.Couldyouletusintoouroffice?Ourbadgesaren’tworking.”
Heopensthedoorandimmediatelyasksmeaboutbrainstimulationandspatialcognition,andoveranhourgoesby.“Itmightbetrickytogettodeepstructures,butwecanfindawork-around,”Itellhimtowardtheend.There’sapieceofpaperfullofdiagramsandstylizedbrainsbetweenus.“Assoonastheequipmentarrives,Icanshowyou.”Ibitetheinsideofmycheek,hesitant.“Hey,canIaskyousomething?”
“Adate?”
“No,I—”
“Good,becauseIpreferfigs.”
Ismile.GuyremindsmeabitofmyBritishcousin—totalcharmer,adorablesmile.“Same.I…Isthereareasontheneuroequipmentisn’thereyet?”
IknowLeviissupposedtobemypointofcontact,buthe’scurrentlysittingonthreeunansweredemails.I’mnotsurehowtogethimtoreply.UseComicSans?Writeinprimarycolors?
“Mmm.”Guybiteshislipandlooksaround.RocíoiscodingawayonherlaptopwithAirPodsinherears.“IheardKayleesaythatit’sanauthorizationproblem.”
“Authorization?”
“Forthefundstobedisbursedandnewequipmenttobebroughtin,severalpeopleneedtosignoff.”
Ifrown.“Whoneedstosignoff?”
“Well,Boris.Hissuperiors.Levi,ofcourse.Whatevertheholdupis,I’msurehe’llfixitsoon.”
LeviisaslikelytobetheholdupasIamtomakeamistakewhilefilingmytaxes(i.e.,very),butIdon’tpointthatout.“Haveyouknownhimlong?Levi,Imean.”
“Years.HewasveryclosetoPeter.Ithinkthat’swhyLevithrewhisnameinthehatforBLINK.”IwanttoaskwhoPeteris,butGuyseemstoassumeIalreadyknow.IshesomeoneImetyesterday?I’msobadwithnames.“He’safantasticengineerandagreatteamleader.HewasattheJetPropulsionLabwhenIwasonmyfirstspacemission.Iknowtheyweresadtoseehimtransfer.”
Ifrown.ThismorningIwalkedpasthimchattingwiththeengineers,andtheywerealllaughingatsomethingsportsballhe’djustsaid.Ichoosetobelievethattheywerejustsuckinguptohim.Okay,he’sgoodathisjob,buthecan’tpossiblybeabelovedboss,canhe?NotDr.Wardnessoftheintractabledispositionandwinterypersonality.Andsincewe’retalking,whythehelldidtheydecidetotransfersomeonefromtheJPLinsteadofhavingGuylead?
Mustbedivinepunishment.IguessIkickedlotsofpuppiesinapastlife.MaybeIusedtobeDracula.
“Levi’sagoodguy,”Guycontinues.“Agoodbro,too.Heownsatruck,helpedmemoveoutaftermyexkickedmeout.”Ofcoursehedoes.Ofcoursehedrivesavehiclewithahugeenvironmentalfootprintthat’sprobablyresponsibleforthedeathoftwentyseagullsaday.Whilechompingonmyvegandonut.“Also,wesometimesbabysitplaydatestogether.HavingbeersandtalkingaboutBattlestarGalacticavastlyimprovestheexperienceofwatchingtwosix-year-oldsarguingoverwhogetstobeMoana.”
Myjawdrops.What?Levihasachild?Asmall,humanchild?
“Iwouldn’tworryabouttheequipment,Bee.Leviwilltakecareofit.He’sgreatatgettingstuffdone.”Guywinksatmeashestands.“Ican’twaittoseewhatyoutwogeniusescomeupwith.”
Leviwilltakecareofit.
IwatchGuystepoutandwonderifmoreominouswordswereeveruttered.
???
FUNFACTABOUTme:Iamafairlymellowperson,butIhappentohaveaveryviolentfantasylife.
Maybeit’sanoveractiveamygdala.Maybeit’stoomuchestrogen.Maybeit’sthelackofparentalrolemodelsinmyformativeyears.Ihonestlydon’tknowwhatthecauseis,butthefactremains:Isometimesdaydreamaboutmurderingpeople.
By“sometimes,”Imeanoften.
Andby“people,”ImeanLeviWard.
IhavemyfirstvividreverieonmythirddayatNASA,whenIimagineoffinghimwithpoison.I’dbesatisfiedwithaquickandpainlessend,aslongasIgottoproudlystandoverhislifelessbody,kickitintheribs,andproclaim,“Thisisfornotansweringevenoneofmysevenemails.”ThenI’dcasuallystompononeofhishumongoushandsandadd,“AndthisisforneverbeinginyourofficewhenItriedtocorneryouthere.”It’sanicefantasy.Itsustainsmeinmyfreetime,whichis…plentiful.Becausemyabilitytodomyworkhingesonmyabilitytomagneticallystimulatebrains,whichinturnhingesonthearrivalofmydamnequipment.
Bythefourthday,I’mconvincedthatLevineedssomemiracle-bladestabbing.Iambushhiminthesharedkitchenonthesecondfloor,wherehe’spouringcoffeeintoaStarWarsmugwithaBabyYodapicture.ItsaysYodaBestEngineerandit’ssoadorablycute,hedoesn’tdeserveit.Ibrieflywonderifheboughtithimself,orifit’sapresentfromhischild.Ifthat’sthecase,hedoesn’tdeservethechild,either.
“Hey.”Ismileupathim,leaningmyhipagainstthesink.God,he’ssotall.Andbroad.He’sathousand-yearoak.Someonewithabodylikethishasnobusinessowninganerdymug.“Howareyou?”
Hisheadjerksdowntolookatme,andforasplitmomenthiseyeslookpanicked.Trapped.Itquicklymeltsintohisusualnon-expression,butnotbeforehishandslips.Somecoffeesloshesovertherim,andhealmostgiveshimselfthirddegreeburns.
I’macavetroll.I’msounpleasanttobearound,Imakehimclumsy.ThesheerpowerIhold.
“Hi,”hesays,dryinghimselfwithkitchenpaper.NoFine.NoAndyou?NoBoyhowdy,theweather’shumidtoday
Isighinternally.“Anynewsabouttheequipment?”
“We’reworkingonit.”
It’samazinghowgoodheisatlookingtomewithoutactuallylookingatme.IfitwereanOlympicdiscipline,he’dhaveagoldmedalandhispictureonaWheatiesbox.
“Whyexactlyisitnothereyet?AnyissueswiththeNIHfunds?”
“Authorizations.Butwe’re—”
“Workingonit,yes.”I’mstillsmiling.Murderouslypolite.Theneuroscienceonpositivereinforcementissolid—it’sallaboutthedopamine.“Whoseauthorizationsarewewaitingfor?”
Hismuscles,manyandenormous,stiffen.“Acouple.”Hiseyesfallonmeandthenonmythumb,whichistwistingaroundmygrandmother’sring.Theyimmediatelybounceaway.
“Whoarewemissing?MaybeIcantalktothem.SeeifIcanspeedupthings.”
“No.”
Right.Ofcourse.“CanIseetheblueprintsfortheprototype?Makeafewnotes?”
“They’reontheserver.Youhaveaccess.”
“DoI?Isentyouanemailaboutthat,andabout—”
Aphoneringsinhispocket.HechecksthecallerIDandanswerswithasoft“Hey”beforeIcancontinue.Ihearafemalevoiceontheotherside.Levidoesn’tlookatmeashemouths,“Excuseme,”andslipsoutofthekitchen.I’mleftalone.
Alonewithmystabbingdreams.
Onthefifthday,myfantasiesevolveyetagain.I’mwalkingtomyoffice,schleppingarefillbottleforthewatercoolerandhalf-heartedlyconsideringusingittodrownLevi(hishairseemslongenoughtoholdontowhileIpushhisheadunderwater,butIcouldalsotieananviltohisneck).ThenIhearvoicesinsideandstoptolisten.
Okay,fine:toeavesdrop.
“—inHouston?”Rocíoisasking.
“Fiveorsixyears,”adeepvoiceanswers.Levi’s.
“AndhowmanytimeshaveyouseenLaLlorona?”
Apause.“Isthatthewomanfromthelegend?”
“Notawoman,”shescoffs.“Atallladyghostwithdarkhair.Wrongedbyaman,shedrownedherownchildreninrevenge.Nowshedressesinwhite,likeabride,andweepsonthebanksofriversandstreamsthroughoutthesouth.”
“Becausesheregretsit?”
“No.She’stryingtoluremorechildrentobodiesofwateranddrownthem.She’samazing.Iwanttobeher.”
Levi’ssoftlaughsurprisesme.Andsodoeshistone,gentlyteasing.Warm.Whatthehell?“I’veneverhadthe,um,pleasure,butIcanrecommendnearbyhikingtrailswithwater.I’llsendyouanemail.”
Whatishappening?Whyisheconversing?Likeanormalperson?Notwithgrunts,ornods,orclippedfragmentsofwords,butinactualsentences?Andwhyishepromisingtosendemails?Doesheknowhowto?Andwhy,why,whyamIthinkingaboutthewayhepinnedmeagainstthatstupidwall?Again?
“Thatwouldbegreat.Inormallyavoidnature,butIamreadytobravecleanairandsunlightformyfavoritecelebrity.”
“Idon’tthinkshequalifiesasa—”
Istepintotheofficeandimmediatelyhalt,dumbstruckbythemostextraordinarysightIhaveeverlaidmyeyesupon
Dr.LeviWard.Is.Smiling.
Apparently,TheWardasscansmile.Atpeople.Hepossessesthenecessaryfacialmuscles.ThoughthesecondIstepinside,hisdimpled,boyishgrinfades,andhiseyesdarken.Maybehecanonlysmileatsomepeople?MaybeI’mjustnotconsidered“people”?
“Morning,boss.”Rocíowavesatmefromherdesk.“Leviletmein.Ourbadgesstillaren’tworking.”
“Thanks,Levi.Anyideawhentheywill?”
Icygreen.Cangreenbeicy?Theoneinhiseyessuremanagesto.“We’reworkingonit.”Hemakesforthedoor,andIthinkhe’sgoingtoleave,butinsteadhepicksuptherefillbottleIdraggedhere,liftsitwithonehand—one!(1)!hand!—andlodgesitontopofthecooler.
“Youdon’thaveto—”
“It’snoproblem,”hesays.Heshouldbesenttojailforthewayhisbicepslook.Atleastforalittlebit.Also,pleaselockhimupforbeinggonebeforeIcanaskifourequipmentwilleverarrive,ifhe’lleveranswermyemails,ifI’lleverbeworthyofacompoundsentencemadeofmultipleclauses.
“Boss?”
IslowlyturntoRocío.She’slookingatme,inquisitive.“Yep?”
“Idon’tthinkLevilikesyouverymuch.”
Isigh.Ishouldn’tbeinvolvingRocíointhisweirdfeudofours—partlybecauseitseemsunprofessional,partlybecauseI’mnotsurewhatshe’llblurtoutatthemostinappropriatemoment.Ontheotherhand,there’snopointindenyingtheobvious.“Weknoweachotherfrombefore.LeviandI.”
“Beforeyoupubliclyannouncedthathe’sshitatneuroscience,youmean?”
“Yeah.”
“Isee.”
“Youdo?”
“Ofcourse.Youtwohadapassionatelovestorythatslowlysoured,culminatingwhenyoucaughtLeviinanintimateembracewithyourbutler,stabbedhisabdomensixty-ninetimes,andlefthimfordead—onlytobeastonishedtofindhimstillalivewhenyouarrivedinHouston.”
Icockmyhead.“Doyoureallythinktwoscientistscouldaffordabutler?”
Shemullsitover.“Okay,thatpart’sunrealistic.”
“LeviandIwereingradschooltogether.Andwe…”Ihonestlyhavenoideahowtoputitdiplomatically.Iwanttosay“didn’tgetalong,”buttherewasneveranalongtobegotten.Weneverinteracted,becausehediscourageditoravoidedit.“Hewasneverafan.”
Shenodslikeshefindstheidearelatable.Thatlittlescorpion.Iloveher.“Didhehateyouatfirstsight,ordidhegrowintoit?”
“Oh,he—”Istopshort.
Iactuallyhavenoidea.Itrytothinkbacktomyfirstmeetingwithhim,butIcan’trememberit.Itmusthavebeenonmyfirstdayofgradschool,whenTimandIjoinedSam’slab,butIhavenomemories.HewasvaguelyhostiletomewellbeforetheincidentinSam’soffice,whenhedeclinedtocollaborate,butIcan’tplacethestartofit.Interesting.IguessTimorAnniemightknow.ExceptthatI’dratherslowlyperishfromcobaltpoisoningthaneverspeaktoeitherofthemagain.
“I’mnotsure.”Ishrug.“Acombination?”
“IsLevi’sdislikerelatedtothefactthatIjustspentaweekonTikTokbecauseIdon’thaveadecentcomputertoworkon?”
Iplopdowninmychair.Isuspectthetwothingsareveryrelated,butit’snotasifIcanproveit,orknowwhattodoaboutit.It’sanisolatingsituation.I’veconsideredtalkingtootherpeoplehereatNASA,orevenatNIH,butthey’djustpointoutthatLevineedsmetomaketheprojectsucceed,andthattheideaofhimself-sabotagingjusttosabotagemeispreposterous.TheymighteventhinkthatI’mtheonewho’sinthewrong,sinceIhaven’tprovenmyselfasaprojectleaderyet.
Andthere’ssomethingelsetoconsider.SomethingthatIdon’twanttosayoutloud,oreventhinkinmyhead,butheregoes:ifmycareerisasapling,Levi’sisabaobab.Itcanwithstandalotmore.Hehasahistoryofcompletedgrantsandsuccessfulcollaborations.BLINK’sfailurewouldbeabumpintheroadforhim,andacar-totalingcrashforme.
AmIbeingparanoid?Probably.IneedtolayoffthecoffeeandstopspendingmynightsplottingLevi’sdemise.He’slivingrentfreeinmyhead.Meanwhile,hedoesn’tevenknowmylastname.
“Idon’tknow,Ro.”Isigh.“Theymightberelated?Ornot?”
“Hmm.”Sherocksbackinherchair.“Iwonderifpointingoutthathisrevengeplanisharmingnotjustyourcareerprospectsbutaninnocentbystander’s,too,wouldhelp.Theinnocentbystanderisme,bytheway.”
Ibitebackasmile.“Thankyouforclarifying.”
“Youknowwhatyoushoulddo?”
“Pleasedon’tsay‘stabhisabdomensixty-ninetimes.’?”
“Iwasn’tgoingto.That’stoogoodadvicetowasteonyou.No,youshouldask@WhatWouldMarieDo.OnTwitter.Youknowher?”
Ifreeze.Mycheekswarm.IstudyRocío’sexpression,butitlooksassullenlyboredasusual.Ibrieflyconsidersaying“Neverheardofher,”butitseemslikeovercompensating.“Yeah.”
“Ifigured,sinceyou’reaMarieCuriestan.Youown,like,threepairsofMarieCuriesocks.”IownsevenbutIjusthum,noncommittal.“YoucantweetatMariewithyourproblem.She’llretweetandyou’llgetadvice.Iaskallthetime.”
Doesshe?“Really?FromyourprofessionalTwitter?”
“Nah,Imakeburneraccounts.Idon’twantotherpeopleknowingmyprivatebusiness.”
“Why?”
“Icomplainalot.Aboutyou,forinstance.”
Itrynottosmile.It’sveryhard.“WhatdidIdo?”
“TheveganLeanCuisineyoualwayseatatyourdesk?”
“Yeah?”
“Itsmellslikefarts.”
ThatnightIdragachairoutonthebalconyandstareatmydepressinglydesertedhummingbirdfeeder,tryingtoformulateaquestionasvaguelyaspossible
@WhatWouldMarieDo…ifshesuspectedthatacollaboratorhasavendettaagainstherandissabotagingtheirsharedproject?
Whenputintowordsitfeelssostupid,Ican’tevenhitsend.Instead,IgooglewhetherI’mwithintheageofonsetforparanoidideation—shit,Iam—andcallReiketoupdateheroncurrentevents.
“Whatdoyoumean,youalmostdied?Didyouseeyourlifereplaybeforeyoureyes?Didyouthinkofme?Ofthecatsyouneveradopted?Oftheloveyouneverallowyourselftogive?Didyouun-fencetheBee-fence?”
I’mnotsurewhyIperseverewithtellingmysistereverylittlehumiliatingthingthathappenstome.Mylifeismortifyingenoughwithoutherruthlesscommentary.“Ididn’tthinkaboutanything.”
“YouthoughtofMarieCurie,didn’tyou?”Reikelaughs.“Weirdo.HowdidTheWardassmanagetosaveyou?Wheredidhecomefrom?”
That’sactuallyagoodquestion.Ihavenoideahowhewasabletointervenesoquickly.“Rightplace,righttimekindofthing,probably.”
“Andnowyouowehim.Yourarchnemesis.Thisisdelightful.”
“You’reenjoyingthiswaytoomuch.”
“Beetch,IspentthedayteachingtheGermandativeforthirtyeuros.Ideservethis.”
Isigh.Myhummingbirdfeederisstilldespondentlyempty,andmyheartsqueezes.ImissFinneas.ImissthetchotchkesIaccumulatedinmyBethesdaapartmentthatmadeitfeellikehome.ImissReike—seeingherinperson,huggingher,beinginthesametimezone.Imissknowingwheretheolivesareatthesupermarket.Imissdoingscience.ImisstheelationIfeltduringmythreedaysofcelebrationwhenIthoughtBLINKwouldbetheopportunityofalifetime.ImissnothavingtogooglewhetherI’mhavingapsychoticepisode.
“AmIcrazy?IsLevireallysabotagingme?”
“You’renotcrazy.Ifyouwere,I’dbe,too.Genesandstuff.”KnowingReike,Idon’tfindthisreassuring.Atall.“Butasmuchashedislikesyou,it’shardtobelievethathe’ssabotagingyou.Thatlevelofhatredrequiressomucheffortandmotivationandcommitment,it’sbasicallylove.Idoubthecaresthatmuch.Myguessisthathe’sjustbeingatesticleandnotactivelyhelpingyou.Whichiswhyyoushouldhaveacalmbutfirmconversationwithhim.”
Isighagain.“You’reprobablyright.”
“Probably?”
Ismile.“Likely.”
“Hmm.TellmeaboutAstronautGuy.IsAstronautGuycute?”
“He’snice.”
“Aw.Notcute,then?”
WhenIgotobed,I’mconvincedthatReikeisright.Ineedtobefirmerinmydemands.Ihaveaplanfornextweek:ifthereisnoETAformyequipmentbyMondaymorning,I’mgoingtocivillyconfrontLeviandtellhimtocutthecrap.Ifthingsgetugly,I’llthreatenhimwithwearingthedressagain.Itwasclearlyhiskryptonite.I’dbeopentodoinglaundryeverynightandsubjectinghimtoitfortherestofmystayinHouston.
Ismileattheceiling,thinkingthatbeingrevoltingsometimeshasitsownadvantages.Iturnaround,andwhenthesheetsrustle,I’malmostinagoodmood.Cautiouslyoptimistic.BLINKwillworkout;I’llmakesureofit.
AndthenMondayhappens.5
AMYGDALA:ANGER
ITSTARTSWITHTrevor,myNIHboss,wantingtotalk“assoonasyoucan,Bee,”whichhasmegroaningintomyoatmeal.
Neuroscienceisarelativelynewfield,andTrevorisamediocrescientistwhowasluckyenoughtobeattherightplacewhentonsofneuropositionsandfundingopportunitieswerecreated.Fastforwardtwentyyears,andhehasmadejustenoughconnectionstoavoidbeingfired—eventhoughIstronglysuspectthatifgivenahumanbrain,hewouldn’t
Icallhimwhilewalkingtowork,thehumidmorningairinstantlypastingastickylayeronmyskin.Hisfirstwordsare:“Bee,whereareyouwithBLINK?”
Oh,I’mjustpeachy,thankyou.Whataboutyou?“Abouttostartweektwo.”
“Butwhere’stheprojectat?”Hebristles.“Arethesuitsready?”
“Helmets.They’rehelmets.”Seemslikethatwouldbeaneasydetailtoremember,sincewestudythebrain.
“Whatever,”hesaysimpatiently.“Aretheyready?”
Imisshimsolittle.Ican’twaittillBLINKmakesmyCVawesomeandIcanmovetoapositionthatdoesn’trequireacknowledginghisexistence.“They’renot.Theprojectedtimelineisthreemonths.Wehaven’tevenstarted.”
Apause.“Whatdoyoumean,youhaven’tstarted?”
“Icurrentlyhavenoequipment.NoEEG.NoTMS.Nocomputers,notevenaccesstomyoffice.EverythingIaskedforinmyapplication,weeksago,hasyettobedelivered.”
“What?”
“Therearemysteriousauthorizationsthatneedtobecollected.Butit’simpossibletofigureoutwhoseauthorizations.”
“Areyouserious?”
Myheartbeatsfasterattheindignationinhisvoice.Trevorsoundsmad—doIhaveanally?Ahorribleally,butausefulone.Ifheexertssomepressureathigherlevels,they’llinterveneandLeviwon’tbeabletodraghisfeetanymore.
OhmyGod.Whydidn’tIjustcallTrevorondayone?“Iknow—it’sstupid,awasteoftime,andunprofessional.I’mnotsurewhocanhelpusfixthissituation,but—”
“Thenyoubetterfigureitthehellout.Whathaveyoubeendoingthereforaweek,visitingthespacemuseum?Bee,you’renotonvacation.”
“I—”
“It’syourresponsibilitytogetBLINKgoing.Whatdoyouthinkyouwerehiredfor?”
Right.ThisiswhyIdidn’tcallTrevor.“Ihavenopowerorconnectionshere.MyliaisonisLevi,andwhateverIdois—”
“Clearly,whateveryoudoisnotenough.”Hetakesadeepbreath.“Listencarefully,Bee.GeorgeKramercalledmelastnight.”KrameristheheadofourNIHinstitute—sofarremovedfrommylowlypostdocpositionthatittakesmeamomenttoplacethename.“OnFriday,hetalkedwiththedirectorofNIHandwithtwomembersofCongress.ThegeneralconsensusisthatBLINKisthekindofprojectthattaxpayerseatup.Itmixesastronautsandbrains,whichmarket-testwellamongaverageAmericans.They’resexytopics.”Irecoil.IcanneverhearTrevorandhissmellybreathusetheword“sexy”again.“Plus,it’sthejointcollaborationoftwoalreadybelovedgovernmentagencies.It’llmakethecurrentadministrationlookgood,andtheyneedtolookgood.”
Ifrown.Hehasbeentalkingforoveraminuteandhasn’tmentionedscienceonce.“Idon’tseewhatthismeans?”
“Itmeansthatasofrightnowthere’salotofscrutinyoverBLINK.Overyourperformance.Kramerwantsweeklyupdates,startingtoday.”
“Hewantsanupdatetoday?”
“Andeveryweekfromtoday.”
Well,thisisgoingtobeaproblem.WhatthehellamIsupposedtotellhim?ThatIhavenoprogresstoreport—butwillheacceptanR-ratedlistofelaboratelyintricatemurderfantasiesIhavespunregardingDr.LeviWard?Iamtoyingwiththeideaofturningthemintoagraphicnovel.
“And,Bee,”Trevorissaying,“Kramerdoesn’tcareaboutattempts.Hewantsresults.”
“Waitaminute.IcangiveKramerhowevermanyupdateshewants.Butthisisscience,notPR.Iwantresultsasmuchashedoes,butwe’retalkingaboutbuildingapieceofequipmentthatwillalterastronauts’brainactivity.I’mnotgoingtorushthroughexperimentsandmakeapossiblyfatalmistake—”
“Thenyou’reoffthisproject.”
Myjawdrops.Istopinthemiddleofthecrosswalk—untilaNissanhonksandstartlesmeintorunningtothesidewalk.“What—whatdidyoujustsay?”
“Ifyoudon’tgetyouracttogether,I’mgoingtopullyouandsendsomeoneelse.”
“Why?Who?”
“Hank.OrJan.Orsomeoneelse—youknowhowlongthelistis?Howmanypeopleappliedforthisposition?”
“Butthat’sthepoint!IgotBLINKbecauseI’mthemostqualified,youcan’tjustsendsomeoneelse!”
“Icanifyou’vebeenthereforanentireweekandgotnothingdone.Bee,Idon’tcareifyou’rethebestIhaveatneurostimulation—ifyoudon’tgetittogethersoon,you’reout.”
BythetimeIgettotheoffice,myheartispoundingandmyhead’sinchaos.CanTrevortakemeoffofBLINK?No.Hecan’t.Ormaybehecan.Ihavenoclue.
Shit,ofcoursehecan.Hecandowhateverhewants,especiallyifhecanprovethatI’mnotdoingenough.Whichhewillbeabletodo,thankstoLeviWardass.God,Ihatehim.Mymurderfantasiesreachtheirfinalform:longitudinalimpalement.Vlad-style.I’llplantthestakerightoutsidemybedroomwindow.HissufferingcanbethelastthingI
Rocíoaskedforthemorningoff.I’maloneintheofficeandfreetodowhatmyheartdesires:head-desk.Whataremyoptionshere?Ineedtogetastraightansweronwhentheequipmentwillbedelivered,butIdon’tknowwhotoask.GuywilldirectmetoLevi,Leviwon’ttalktome,and…
Isitupasanideastartsforminginmyhead.TwominuteslaterI’monthephonewithStimCase,thecompanythatproducesthesystemIuse.“ThisisDr.BeeK?nigswasser,callingfromtheSullivanDiscoveryInstitute,NASA.Iwantedtocheckonthestatusofourorder—it’saTMSsystem.”
“Ofcourse.”Thecustomerservicelady’svoiceislowandsoothing.“Doyouhaveanordernumber?”
“Um,notathand.My,um,assistantisout.ButthelistedprincipalinvestigatorshouldbeeithermeorDr.LeviWard.”
“Justamoment,then.Oh,yes.UnderDr.Ward’sname.Butitlooksliketheorderwascanceled.”
Mystomachtwistsinknots.Itightenmyfingersaroundthephonetoavoiddroppingit.“Couldyou…”Iclearmythroat.“Couldyoucheckagain?”
“ItwassupposedtobeshippedlastMonday,butDr.WardcanceleditthepreviousFriday.”ThedayLevifirstsawmeinHouston.Thedayhesavedmylife.Thedayhedecidedthathehadnointentionofworkingwithme,ever.
“I…Okay.”Inod,eventhoughshecan’tpossiblyseeme.“Thankyou.”Thehang-upnoiseisdeafeninglyloud,echoingthroughmyheadforlongmoments.
Idon’tknowwhattodo.WhatdoIdo?Shit.Shit.Youknowwhowouldknowwhattodo?Dr.Curie,ofcourse.Butalso:Annie.Whenshewasathirdyear,someguystoleheropticfibers,sosheinstalledasubroutineonhiscomputerthatmadelobsterpornpop-upeverytimehetypedtheletterx.Healmostdroppedoutofgradschool.ThatnightwecelebratedbymakingwatermelonsangriaandreinventingtheMacarenaontheroofofherapartmentbuilding.
Ofcourse,whatAnnieknowsordoesn’tknowisirrelevant.She’snotinmylifeanymore.She’smadeherchoices.ForreasonsthatI’llneverunderstand.AndI—
“Bee?”
Isetmyphoneonthetable,wipemysweatypalmsovermyjeans,andlooktothedoor.“Hey,Kaylee.”She’swearingabrightpinklacedressthatlookstheoppositeofwhatI’mfeeling.
“IsRocíohere?”
“She’sout.Takingatest.”Iswallow,mymindstillreelingfromthephonecall.Phonecalls.“CanIhelpyouwithanything?”
“No.Ijustwantedtoaskherif…”Sheshrugsuncomfortably,flushesalittle,butthenquicklyadds,“Iwassurprisedyouweren’tatthemeetingthismorning.”
Itiltmyhead.“Whatmeeting?”
“Theonewiththeastronauts.”
Theknotsinmystomachtighten.Idon’tlikewherethisisgoing.“Theastronauts.”
“Yeah,theoneLeviandGuyorganized.Forfeedback.Tobrainstormoptionsforthehelmets.Itwasreallyuseful.”
“When…whenwasitscheduledfor?”
“Thismorning.Eighta.m.Itwassetuplastweek,and…”Kaylee’seyeswiden.“Youknewaboutit,right?”
Ilookawayandshakemyhead.Thisishumiliating.Andinfuriating.Andotherthings,too.
“OhmyGod.”Shesoundsgenuinelydistraught.“Iamsosorry—Ihavenoideahowthatcouldhappen.”
Iexhaleasilent,bitterlaugh.“Ido.”
“IsthereanythingIcandotofixthis?Asprojectmanager,Iwanttoapologize!”
“No,I…”Ipasteasmileonmyface.“It’snotyourfault,Kaylee.You’vebeengreat.”I’mtemptedtoexplaintoherthatherbosshasalsobeengreat—agreatpaininmyass.ButIdon’twanttoputherinanuncomfortableposition,andI’mnotsureItrustmyselfnottoblurtoutastringofinsults.
Isitforalongtimeaftersheleaves,staringattheemptydesks,theemptychairs,theemptywhitewallsofmysupposedoffice,whereIamsupposedtodothesciencethatwillsupposedlylaunchmycareerandmakeahappy,fulfilledwomanoutofme.Isituntilmyhandsarenotshakingandmychestdoesn’tfeellikeit’sbeingsqueezedbyalargehandanymore.
ThenIstand,takeadeepbreath,andmarchstraighttoLevi’soffice.
???
IKNOCK,BUTIdon’tbotherwaitingforaresponse.Iopenthedoor,closeitbehindme,andstartspeakingassoonasI’min,myarmsfoldedonmychest.ForreasonsIcannotdiscern,I’msmiling.
“Why?”Levi’sgazeliftsfromhiscomputerscreentome,andhisdoubletakeissmall,butnoticeable.Healwayshasthesamelookinhiseyeswhenhefirstseesme:aflashofpanic.Thenhecollectshimselfandhisentirefaceshutters.Heshouldreallyworkonexpandinghisemotionalrange.WhatdoeshethinkI’mgoingtodo,anyway?ConverthimtoScientology?SellhimAvonproducts?Givehimfull-blowntyphoid?“Really,Ijustwanttoknowwhy.I’mnotevenaskingyoutostop,Ijustneedtoknow…why?DoIsmelllikecilantro?DidIstealyourparkingspotingradschool?DoIremindyouofthekidwhopouredSnappleonyourGameBoywhenyouwereabouttofinishTheLegendofZelda?”
Heblinksatmefromhischairandhastheaudacitytolookconfused.Ihavetogiveittohim,hehasgiantballs.Likelytocompensateforhismicro-dick.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Mysmileturnsbitter.“Levi.Please.”
“Ihavenoideawhatyou’rereferringto.ButI’mreallybusy,so—”
“See,I’mnot.I’mnotbusyatall.Ihaven’tbeenthisunbusysinceIwasonsummerbreakinmiddleschool—butyouknowthatalready,so…why?”
Hesitsbackinhischair.Evenhalf-hiddenbyhisdesk,hispresenceisoverwhelming.Winter-frosty.Snow-coveredspruces,hiseyes.“TherearethingsIneedtobedoingrightthismoment.Canwescheduleameetingforanothertime?”
Ilaughsoftly.“Sure.ShouldIsendyouanemail?”
“Thatworks.”
“Ibet.WillitgetthesamenumberofanswersastheotheremailsIsentyou?”
Hefrowns.“Ofcourse.”
“Zero,then.”
Hefrownsharder.“I’veansweredallyouremails.”
“Isthatso?”Idon’tbelieveitforasecond.“Thenmaybeit’sanemailproblem.IfIweretocheckmyspamfolderI’dfindamessagefromyouinvitingmetothismorning’smeeting?”
That’sthemomentsomethingshifts.ThemomentLevirealizesthathe’sgoingtohavetodealwithme.Hestands,walksaroundhisdesk,leansagainstit.Hefoldshisarmsonhischestandregardsmecalmlyforaminute.
Lookatus.Justtwoarchnemeses,casuallystandinginfrontofeachotherinfake-relaxedposeswhiletumbleweedsrolltheirmerrywayaroundus.Amodernspaghettiwestern.
Ishootfirst.“So,it’sallabigemailmisunderstanding?”
Hedoesn’tanswer.Juststaressomewhereabovemyrightshoulder.
“Itchecksout.Emailsthatshouldbedelivered,aren’t.Emailsthatshouldn’t,are.ItwouldexplaintheonethatcanceledtheorderformyTMSequipment.Itprobablyjustsentitself.Vigilanteemailsgoingrogue.Uh-oh,Outlook’sintrouble.”Hisfake-calmisgettinglessconvincing.“Ifyouthinkaboutit,it’stheonlypossibleexplanation.Becauselastweek,whenIaskedyouifyouhadanETA,yousaidthatwewereclose.Andyouwouldneverlietome,wouldyou?”
Hisannoyinglyhandsomefacehardens.Yes,evenmorethanusual.“Iwouldnotlietoyou.”Hesaysitinanearnest,pissed-offtone,asthoughit’simportanttohimthatIbelievehim.Ha.
“I’msureyouwouldn’t.”Ipushawayfromthedoorandamblearoundtheoffice.“Andyouwouldnotsinglemeouttopointoutadresscodethatisobviouslyneverenforced,norwouldyoumakeitimpossibleformetogetintomyofficewithouthavingtobegtobeletin.”Istopinfrontofalibraryshelf.ScatteredbetweentheengineeringtomesInoticeahandfulofpersonalitems.TheyhumanizeLeviinawayI’mnotreadyfor:achild’sdrawingofablackcat;afewbobbleheadsfromsci-fimovies;twoframedpictures.OneisLeviandanothertall,dark-hairedmanfree-climbingarockformation.Theother,awoman.Verybeautiful.Long,darkblondhair.Young,probablyLevi’sage.Shesmilesatthecamera,holdingatoddlerwithafullheadofdarkcurls.Theframeisclearlyhomemade,buttonsandshellsandsticksgluedtogether.
Myheartlurches,heavy.
Iknewhehadachild.I’veeventurnedthispieceofinformationaroundinmyheadseveraltimessincefindingout.AndI’mnotsurprisedthathe’smarried.Hedoesn’tweararing,butthatdoesn’tmeananything—Ioftendoweararing,andI’mmostdefinitelynotmarried.Honestly,I’mnotsurewhythishitsmesohard.IcertainlyhavenopersonalstakeinLevi’sromanticlife,andIdon’tusuallygoaboutfeelingjealouswhenpeoplefindthemselveshappilypaired.Butthedomesticitythatthepictureconjures,justlikethesoft,intimatetonehisvoicetooklastweekwhenheansweredthecall…veryclearly,Levihasahome.Aplaceintheworld,justforhimself.Someonetogobacktoeverynight.Andontopofthat,hiscareerismorestablethanmine.
LeviWard,lordofathousandglaresandamillionrudenods,belongs.AndIdon’t.Theuniverseistrulynotfair.
Isigh,defeated,andturnaroundtofacehim.“Justtellmewhy,Levi.”
“It’sacomplicatedsituation.”
“Isit?Seemsprettysimple.”
Heshakeshishead,carefullyconsiderswhattosay,andthensomehowlandsonthemostridiculousfivewordsI’veeverheard.“Givemeafewdays.”
“Afewdays?Levi,RocíoandImovedheretowork.Weleftourfriends,families,partnersinMaryland,andnowwe’retwiddlingourthumbs—”
“Thengohomeforafewdays.”Histoneisharsh.“Visityourpartner,comebacklater—”
“That’snotthedamnpoint!”Iaggressivelyrunahandthroughmybangs.ReikesaidthatIshouldconfronthimcalmly,butthathorseisoutofthestableandgallopingaroundthemoors.I’mprettysureLevi’sneighborscanhearmeraisemyvoice,andI’mfullyokaywithit.“IhavetheheadofNIHwantingprogressreportsfromme,andmybossthreateningtosendinsomeoneelseifIdon’tgethimresultssoon.Ineedmyequipment.I’mnotaskingyoutodothisforme—doitfortheproject!”Imusthavemovedcloser,ormaybehetome,becauseallofasuddenIcansmellhim.Pineandsoapandcleanmaleskin.“DoyouevencareaboutBLINK?”
Hiseyesblaze.“Icare.Donoteverimplyotherwise,”hegritsout,leaningforward.I’veneverhatedsomeonethisintensely.Ineverwillagain.IbelieveitasdeeplyasIdocelltheory.
“Yousuredon’tactlikeyoudo.”
“Youdon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“Andyou”—Istepcloser,stabbingmyfingerintohischest—“don’tknowhowtorunaproject.”
“Iamaskingyoutotrustme.”
“Trustyou?”Ilaughinhisface.“WhythehellshouldItrustyou?”Istabmyfingerathimagain,andthistimehecloseshispalmaroundittostopme.
Somethingoddhappens.Hisgripslidesdowntomypalm,andforamomenthe’salmostholdingmyhandinhis.Itmakesmyskintingleandmybreathcatch—his,too.Itmustbehiscuetorealizethathe’stouchingme—me,themostabhorrentcreatureofthesevenseas.Heletsgoimmediately,asifburned.
“IamdoingwhatIcan,”hebegins.
“Whichisnothing.”
“—withtheresourcesIhave—”
“Oh,comeon.”
“—andtherearethingsyoudon’tknow—”
“Thentellme!Explain!”
Theensuingsilenceclinchesitforme.Thewayhisjawtightens,thefactthathestraightensandturnsabruptly,pacingthreestepsawayasthoughheisfinishedwiththis.Withme.Youneverevenstarted,asshole.
“Right.Well.”Ishrug.“I’mgoingtoyoursuperior,Levi.”
Hegivesmeashockedlook.“What?”
Oh,nowheisworried.Howthewormhasturned.Howthecookiecrumbles.“IneedtogetBLINKstarted.You’releavingmenochoicebuttogooveryourhead.”
“Overmyhead?”Hebrieflycloseshiseyes.“Thereisnosuchthing.”
“I—Doyou—”Isputter.God,thisman’segomusthaveitsowngravitationalfield.He’sahumanpitstuffedfullofdarkmatterandhubris.“Doyouevenhearyourself?”
“Don’tdoit,Bee.”
“Whyshouldn’tI?AreyougoingtocallStimCaseandgetmemyequipment?Areyougoingtogetusanofficethatisn’tawayfromeveryone?Areyougoingtostartinvitingustoessentialmeetings?”
“It’snotthatsimple—”
Whatanasswipe.“Butitis.It’sprettydamnsimple,andifyoudon’tcommittofixingthis,youdon’tgettotellmenottogotoyoursuperior.”
“Youdon’twanttodothat.”
Ishethreateningme?“See,Ithoughtso,too.ButnowI’mprettysureIdo.Watchme.”
Ispinonmyheelsandheadforthedoor,readytowalkstraighttoBoris’soffice,butwhenmyhandisontheknobsomethingoccurstomeandIturnaround.
“Andonemorething,”Isnarlintohisstonyface.“Vegandonutsareforvegans,youabsolutewalnut.”
???
LEVICAN’TBEtoodistressedbyourconversation,becausehedoesn’tevenattempttocomeafterme.I’mpumpedfullofrageandwanttomarchtoBoris,butIrunintoRocíodownthehallway.She’sdraggingherfeet,staringvacantlyatthefloorlikeaninmateondeathrow.Evenmorethanusual.
Istop.AsimpatientasIamtogetmyequipmentandruinacareer,IthinkIloveRocíomorethanIhateLevi.Thoughit’saclosecall.
“HowdidtheGREgo?”TheGraduateRecordExaminationisliketheSATs:astupidstandardizedtestonwhichstudentsneedtogetanabsurdlyhighscoretobeacceptedintogradschool—eventhoughittestsnothingthathastodowithacademicsuccess.Irememberagonizingovermyscoresinmylastyearofcollege,terrifiedthattheywouldn’tbehighenoughtogetmeintothesameprogramsasTim.Asitturnedout,minewerehigherthanhis,andIendedupwithseveralmoreacceptancesthanhehad.Inhindsight,IshouldhavegonetoUCLAandlefthimbehind.ItwouldhavesavedmealotofheartacheandminimizedmyWardassexposure.
“Bee.”Rocíoshakesherheadgloomily.“Whichwayistheocean?”
Ipointtomyleft.Sheimmediatelybeginsshufflingherfeetinthatdirection.
“Ro,youfirsthavetogetoutofthebuildingand…whatareyoudoing?”
“Ishallwalkintothesea.Farewell.”
“Wait.”Icirclearoundher.“Howdiditgo?”
Sheshakesherheadagain.Hereyesarered-rimmed.“Low.”
“Howlow?”
“Toolow.”
“Well,youdon’tneedninety-ninthpercentiletogetintoJohnsHopkins—”
“Fortiethforquantitative.Fifty-secondforverbal.”
Okay.Thatislow.“—andyoucanalwaysretake.”
“Fortwohundredbucks.Andit’smythirdtime—Idon’tgetanybetter,nomatterhowmuchIpractice.It’slikeI’mjinxed.”Shestaresintothedistance.“IsitLaLlorona?Doesshewantmetoquitacademiaandhauntcreekswithher?PerhapsIshoulddepartmyscientificpursuits.”
“No.I’llhelpyougetyourscoresup,okay?”
“How?Willyoucastacounterspell?Willyoupromiseheryourfirstbornandthebloodofonehundredvirginravens?”
“What?No.I’lltutoryou.”
“Tutorme?”Shescowls.“Canyouevendomath?”
Idon’tpointoutthatmyentirebodyofworkconsistsofhigh-levelstatisticsappliedtothestudyofthebrain,andinsteadpullherinforahug.“It’llbeokay,Ipromise.”
“What’shappening?Whyareyousqueezingmewithyourbody?”
Theentireconversationlastslessthantenminutes,butitprovestobeafatalmistake.BecausebythetimeI’monthemostlydesertedthirdfloorofthebuilding,standingoutsideBoris’sofficeandreadytoratLevioutwithinaninchofhislife,thedoorisclosed,andIcanhearvoicesinside.
AndoneofthosevoicesisLeviWard’s6
HESCHL’SGYRUS:HEAR,HEAR
ICANNOTBELIEVEhegottoBorisbeforeIcould.IcannotbelievehesneakedpastmewhileIwastalkingwithRocío.ThoughIabsolutelyshould,sinceit’stheexactkindofdickmoveI’vecometoexpectfromhim.Iactuallystompmyfootlikeasurlysix-year-old.That’swhatI’vebeenreducedto.WhatdoIdo?DoIbargeinandstopLevifrompoisoningBoris’smindwithlies?DoIwaitforLevitogetoutandfocusondamagecontrol?DoIcurlintoaballandcry?
Dr.Curiewouldknowwhattodo.Dr.K?nigswasser,ontheotherhand,islookingaroundlikealostcalf,gratefulthatthere’snoonearoundtoseehersulkingoutsidethedirectorofresearch’soffice.WhenIdecidedtobecomeascientist,IfiguredI’dgrapplewiththeoreticalframeworkissues,researchprotocols,statisticalmodeling.InsteadhereIam,livingmybesthighschoollife.
AndthenIrealizeIcanmakeoutsomewords.
“—unprofessional,”Leviissaying.
“Iagree,”Borisreplies.
“Andnotconducivetoscientificprogress.”Hesoundscalmlyexasperated,whichshouldbetechnicallyimpossible,butLevidoeshaveaknackforbringingoxymoronstolife.“Thesituationisunsustainable.”
“Ifullyagree.”
“You’vesaidthateverytimewe’vetalkedbefore,butIdoubtyouunderstandhowcatastrophicthelong-termrepercussionscanbeforBLINK,forNIH,andforNASA.Andthisisunpleasantonaninterpersonallevel,too.”Ileanclosertothedoor,white-knuckled.Icannotbelievehe’sfeedingBoristhiscrapIamunpleasanttohim?How?Bybeingoffensivetolookat?I’mabouttoslamthedooropentodefendmyselfwhenhecontinues,“Shecannotcontinuelikethis.Somethingmustbedone.”OhmyGod.AmItrappedinabizarrodimension?
“Okay.Whatwouldyouhavemedowithher?”
I’mgoingtoscreech.WhateverLevisays,it’sgoingtomakemeyellwithrage.I’malreadyvibratingwithanun-screamedhowl.It’srisingupmythroat
“Iwantyoutoletherdoherjob.”
Upandupandupmylarynx,throughmyvocalbox,and—wait.What?WhatdidLevisay?
“I’vedoneasmuchasIcan.”Borisisfaintlyapologetic.Levi,ontheotherhand,ishardanduncompromising.
“It’snotenough.IneedhertohaveauthorizedaccesstoeveryBLINK-relatedareainthebuilding,tohaveaNASA.govemailaddress,toattendprojectmeetings.Ineedeverysinglepieceofequipmentsheaskedfortobeherenow—itshouldhavearrivedagesago.”
“You’retheonewhocanceledtheorderthatwasplaced.”
“Becauseitwasn’tthesystemsheaskedfor.WhywouldIblowachunkofourbudgetonaninferiorproduct?”
“Levi,justlikeItoldyoueverysingledayyou’vecometomewiththislastweek,sometimesit’snotaboutscience—it’saboutpolitics.”
Iamfullyleaningmyearandpalmsagainstthedoornow.Myfingersshakeagainstthewood,butIdon’tfeelthem.I’mnumb.
“Politicsisabovemypaygrade,Boris.”
“Notabovemine.We’vebeenoverthis—thingshavechangedalot,andveryquickly.ThedirectorwasonboardwithanNIH-NASAcollaborationaslongasNASAgotcreditandautonomyontheproject.ThenNIHinsistedonhavingalargerrole.NASAcan’thaveit.”
“NASAmusthaveit.”
“Thedirectorisunderlotsofpressure.Thepossibleramificationsarehuge—ifwepatentthetechnology,there’snotellinghowwidelyitcanbeappliedandwhattherevenuemightbe.Hedoesn’twantNIHtoownhalfofthepatent.”
Apause,brimmingwithfrustration.IcanalmostpictureLevirunningahandthroughhishair.“NASAdoesn’thavethebudgettodotheprojectalone—that’swhyNIHwasbroughtintobeginwith.Areyoutellingmethatthey’dratherhaveBLINKnothappenatallthansharethecredit?Andwhowillbeinchargeoftheneuroscienceportion?”
“Dr.K?nigswasserisnottheonlyneuroscientistintheworld.WehaveseveralatNASAwhoare—”
“Notnearlyasgoodasher,notwhenitcomestoneurostimulation.”
Thisisabizarroworld.MorebizarrethanIcouldeverimagine.I’mintheUpsideDown,myheart’sthuddinginmyears,andLeviWardjustsaidsomethingniceaboutme.Acold,slimyfeelingcoilsinthepitofmystomach.Imightthrowup,exceptthatI’mcompletelyhollow.IwasfullofragewhenIcamehere,butthat’sdraining.
“We’llmakedo.Levi,BLINKwillbemovedtothenextbudgetreview,andbythenNASAwillapprovefullfunding.Thatwaywewon’tneedNIH.You’llstillbeincharge.”
“That’sayearfromnow,andyoucan’tguaranteethat.Justlikeyoucan’tguaranteethattheSullivanprototypewillbeused.”
Apause.“Son,Iunderstandthisisimportanttoyou.Ifeelthesame,but—”
“Idoubtit.”
“Excuseme?”
Levi’svoicecouldcuttitanium.“Iseriouslydoubtyoufeelthesame.”
“Levi—”
“Ifyoudo,authorizetheequipmentpurchase.”
Asigh.“Levi,Ilikeyou.Ireallydo.You’reasmartguy.OneofthebestengineersIknow—maybethebest.Butyou’reyoungandhavenoideaaboutthepressureeveryone’sunder.BLINK’sunlikelytohappenthisyear.Bettermakepeacewithit.”
Secondspass.Ican’thearLevi’sreply,soIleaninevenfarther—whichturnsouttobeaterribleidea,becausethedoorswingsopen.IjumpbackquicklyenoughthatBorisdoesn’tseeme,butwhenLevistepsoutsideI’mstillstandingrightthere,bytheoffice.Heslamsthedoorandbeginsstalkingawayangrily.Thenhenoticesmeandfreezes.
Helooksfurious.Andbig.Furiouslybig.
Ishouldsaysomething.Playitcool.MakeitseemlikeIonlyjustwanderedhere,lookingfortheofficesupplycloset.Oh,Levi,doyouknowwheretheykeepthepencilsharpeners?Problemis,thatshiphaslongsailed,andwhilewestudyeachotherwithequallyrawexpressions,Iexperienceanodd,transientfeeling.LikethisisthefirsttimeLeviseesme.No,notquite:likethisisthefirsttimeIseehim.Liketheelaboratemazeofmirrorsthroughwhichwe’vebeenlookingateachotherhasbeenshattered,theshardssweptaway.
Ican’tbearit.Ilowermygazetomyfeet.Thankfully,thefeelingdissolvesasIstareattheprettydaisiesonmyfaux-leathersandals.
MyfingersneedtoquitshakingorI’llchopthemoff.Ifmytearductsdaretoletevenasingledropslipthrough,I’lltiethemshutforever.I’malmostreadytolookupagainwithoutmakingafoolofmyself,whenalargehandclosesfirmlyaroundmyelbow.Shouldn’thavewornasleevelesstoptoday.“Whatareyou—?”
Leviliftsonefingertohislipstosignalmetobequietandleadsmeawayfromtheoffice.
“Where—”Istart,butheinterruptsmewithalowwhisper.
“Hush.”Hisgripisgentlebuttightaroundmyflesh.I’mdismayedtofindthatitseemstohelpwithmynausea.
Withouthavingaclueofwhattodo,Iclosemyeyesandfollowhislead.
???
I’MASLOWprocessor.Alwayshavebeen.
Whenmynonnadied,everyonearoundmehadbeensobbingforseveralminutesbythetimeIfinallyparsedwhatthewhite-haireddoctorwassaying.WhenReikedecidedtotakeagapdecadetogotraveltheworld,Ididn’trealizehowlonelyI’dbeuntilshewasonaplanetoIndonesia.WhenTimmovedoutofourapartment,theimplicationsonlyhitme
ProbablywhytheenormityofwhatIheardoutsideBoris’sofficedoesn’tfullydawnonmeuntilI’mononeofthebenchesinthelittlepicnicareabehindtheDiscoveryBuilding,elbowsonmykneesandforeheadinmyhands.
It’ssuchalovelyspot.TheshadesoftwocedarelmsandaliveoakcrossrightwhereI’msitting.Ineedtoeatlunchoutherefromnowon,Ithink.ThenmyLeanCuisinewon’tstinkuptheoffice.Mystomachtwists.Theremightnotbeanonfromthisnow
“Areyouokay?”
Iglanceup,andup,andup.Leviisstandinginfrontme,stillicilyfuriousbutmoreincontrol.Likehecountedtotentocalmdownabit,butwouldgladlygobacktooneandflipadeskorthree.There’sahintofconcerninhiseyes,andforsomereasonI’mthinkingagainofhimpinningmetothewall,ofthesmellofhisskin,thefeelingofhishardmusclesundermyfingers.
There’ssomethingverywrongwithmybrain.
“Idouble-checked,”hemurmurs.“Ireceivedsevenemailsfromyou,andallmyrepliesweresent.I’mnotsurewhytheydidn’tdeliver.I’massumingthesamehappenedtotheoneGuysenttoinviteyoutotoday’smeeting,andItakeresponsibilityforit.YoushouldhaveaNASAemailaddressbynow.”
Theweatheroutsideisperfectlynice,butI’mcoldandsweatyatthesametime.Whatacomplexorganism,mybody.
“Why?”Iask.I’mnotevensurewhatI’mreferringto.
Heexhalesslowly.“Howmuchdidyouhear?”
“Idon’tknow.Alot.”
Henods.“NASAwantsexclusivecontrolofwhateverpatentcomesoutofBLINK.Butitcurrentlydoesn’thavethebudgettopullofftheproject,andtherewassomearm-twistingtoincludeNIH.ButNIHisinsistingonco-owningthepatent,andNASAdecidedthatlettingBLINKdieanaturaldeathisbetterthanpickingafightwithNIH.”
“Andthisisit?Thenaturaldeath?”
Hedoesn’tanswer,simplycontinuingtostudymewithworryandsomethingelse,somethingIcan’tquiteputmyfingeron.It’sunsettling,andInearlylaughwhenIrealizewhy:thisisthefirsttimeLevihassustainedeyecontactwithmeformorethanasecond.Thefirsttimehiseyesdon’tflitawaytosomepointabovemyheadrightaftermeetingmine.
Iturnaway.I’mnotinthemoodforicegreen.“WhatifItoldNIH?”
Abriefhesitation.“Youcould.”
“But?”
“Nobuts.It’dbefullywithinyourrights.I’llsupportyou,ifyouneedmeto.”
“…But?”
Ilookathim.Therearesmallscratchesonhishand;hairsdusthisforearm;hisshirtstretchesacrosshisshoulder.He’ssoimposingfromthisangle,evenmorethanusual.Whatdidtheyfeedhimgrowingup,fertilizer?“IfyoutoldNIH,theonlyoutcomeIcanimagineisNIHpullingoutandtherelationshipbetweenNIHandthehumanresearchbranchofNASAsouring.BLINKwouldbeshelveduntil—”
“—untilnextyear.AnditwouldstillbeaNASA-onlyproject.”Eitherway,I’mscrewed.Catch-22.Neverlikedthatnovel.
“I’mnotsayingyoushouldn’tdoit,”hesayscarefully,“butiftheendgameistomakeBLINKhappenasacollaborativeproject,itmightnotbethebestmove.”
NottomentionthatI’dneedtogetTrevortobelievethatthisisn’tmyfault.SeemslikeI’dhavebetterluckjusttellinghimthatNASAhasbeentakenoverbyshape-shiftingaliens.Yeah,I’lltrythat.Mightaswell.
“What’sthealternative?”Iask.Iseenone.
“I’vebeenworkingonit.”
“How?”
“IthinkhavingBorisonoursidewouldhelpimmensely.Andthereare…thingsthatImightbeabletoleveragetopersuadehim.”
“Andhowarethosethingsworkingoutforyou?”
Hegivesmeadirtylook,butthere’snorealheatbehindit.“Notgreat.Yet,”hegrumbles.
Noshit,Sherlock.“Basically,I’mtheonlypersonintheworldwhowantsBLINKtohappennow.”
Hefrowns.“Iwantit,too.”Irememberhisearlieranger,whenIaccusedhimofnotcaring.God,thatwasprobablylessthananhourago.Feelslikeninedecades.“Andsodootherpeople.Theengineers,theastronauts,contractorswho’dbeoutofajobifitwerepostponed.”Hisbroadshouldersseemtodeflateabit.“ThoughyouandIseemtobethehighest-rankingpeopleonboard.WhichiswhyweneedBoris.”
“Itsoundslikeifyousittightforafewmonthstheprojectwillfallinyourlapand—”
“No.”Heshakeshishead.“BLINKhastohappennow.Ifit’sdelayedthere’sachancethatIwon’tbeincharge,orthattheoriginalprototypewillbemodified.”Hesoundssouncompromising,Iwonderifthisishispick-up-your-toys-and-go-to-beddadvoice.Itsureseemseffective.IfIenduphavingkids,IhopeIcanpulloffsomethingthisauthoritative.
“Still,you’llbefinenomatterwhat.”Ican’tkeepthebitternessoutofmytone.“WhileNIHismakingpersonnelcuts,andthemaincriterionissuccessfullycompletedgrants.WhichIdon’thavebecauseof…reasons,reasonsthathavelittletodowithmenottryingornotbeingagoodscientist—whichIam,IpromiseIamgoodatthis,and—”
“Iknowyouare,”heinterrupts.Hesoundssincere.“Andthisprojectisnotjustanotherassignmentforme.Itransferredteamstobehere.Ipulledstrings.”
Irunahanddownmyface.Whatadumpsterfire.“YoucouldhavetoldmethatNASAwasroadblocking.Insteadoflettingmebelievethatyouwere…”
Helooksatmeblankly.“ThatIwas?”
“Youknow.Tryingtooustmefortheusualreasons.”
“Theusualreasons?”
“Yeah.”Ishrug.“Fromgradschool.”
“Whatreasonsfromgradschool?”
“Justthefactthatyou…youknow.”
“I’mnotsureIdo.”
Iscratchmyforehead,exhausted.“Thatyoudespiseme.”
Hegivesmeanastonishedlook,likeIjustcoughedupahairball.LikethepersonwhoavoidedmelikeIwasaflesh-eatingporcupinewashiseviltwin.He’sspeechlessforamoment,andthensays,somehowmanagingtosoundhonest,“Bee.Idon’tdespiseyou.”
Wow.Wow,forsomanyreasons.Theblatantlie,forinstance,likehedoesn’tconsidermethehumanequivalentofgasstationsushi,butalso…thisisthefirsttimeLevihasusedmyname.Ihaven’tkepttrackoranything,butthere’ssomethingsouniquelyhiminthewayhesaystheword,Icouldneverforget.
“Right.”Hekeepsstaringatmewiththesamedisoriented,earnestexpression.Isnortandsmile.“IguessImusthavemisreadeverysingleoneofourgradschoolinteractions,then.”HedidtellBorisI’magoodneuroscientist,somaybehedoesn’tthinkI’mincompetentlikeIalwayssuspected.Maybehejusthates…literallyeverythingelseaboutme.Lovely.
“YouknowIdon’tdespiseyou,”heinsistswithahintofaccusation.
“SureIdo.”
“Bee.”
Hesaysmynameagain,withthatvoice,andallIseeisred.
“ButofcourseIknow.HowcouldInotknowwhenyou’vebeensorelentlesslycold,arrogant,andunapproachable.”Istand,angerbubblingupmythroat.“Foryearsyouhaveavoidedme,refusedtocollaboratewithmewithoutvalidreasons,deniedmeevenminimallypoliteconversation,treatedmeasthoughIwasrepulsiveandinferior—youeventoldmyfiancéthatheshouldmarrysomeoneelse,butofcourseyoudon’tdespiseme,Levi.”
HisAdam’sapplebobs.Hestaresatmelikethat,stricken,disconcerted,likeIjusthithimwithapolomallet—whenallI’vedoneistellthetruth.Myeyessting.Ibitemyliptokeepthetearsatbay,butmystupidbodybetraysmeonceagainandI’mcrying,I’mcryinginfrontofhim,andIhatehim.
I’mnotmadathim—Ihatehim.
Forthewayhe’streatedme.ForhavingthesolidcareerIdon’t.Forconcealingthepoliticsofthisdamnseptictankofaproject.Ihatehim,hatehim,hatehim,withapassionIthoughtIcouldonlyreservefordefectiveairbags,orTim,orthethirdmoveoftheyear.Ihatehimforreducingmetothis,andforstickingaroundtoseehishandiwork.
Ihatehim.AndIdon’twanttofeelsomuch.
“Bee—”
“Thisisnotworthit.”Iwipemycheekwiththebackofmyhandandwalkpastwithoutlookingathim.Ofcoursehehastobemassiveandmakethathard,too.
“Wait.”
“I’lltellNIHaboutwhat’shappening,”Isaywithoutstoppingorturningback.“Ican’triskmysuperiorsthinkingthattheprojectfailedbecauseofme.I’msorryifthatputsyouinabadposition,andI’msorryifthatmeansdelayingBLINK.”
“That’sokay.Butplease,wait—”
No.Idon’twanttowait,ortolistentoevenonemoreword.IkeeponwalkinginmyprettydaisysandalsuntilIcan’thearhimanymore,untilIcan’tseethroughtheblurofmytears.IwalkoutoftheSpaceCenterandfantasizethatI’mleavingHouston,Texas,theUnitedStates.IfantasizeaboutgettingonaplaneandflyingtoPortugaltogetahugfromReike.
Ifantasizeallthewayhome,anditdoesn’tmakemefeelanybetter.
???
I’MSTARINGATmyphone—justthat:broodingandstaringatmyphone—whenaTwitternotificationpopsuponmyscreen.
@SabriRocks95SecondyeargeologyPh.D.studentgoingthrougharoughpatch,here.@WhatWouldMarieDoifshefeltliketheuniverseistryingtotellhertogiveup?
Ouch.Thisonehitsalittletooclose.Mysenseofhelplessnessreachedcriticalmassearliertoday,halfwaythroughAlanisMorissette’sdiscographyandwellpastmysecondtuboforangesherbet.IfeellikeIwasrunthroughapapershredder.LikeausedQ-tip.Aflushablewipe.Notfittogiveadvicetothemoththat’sbeenflutteringagainstmywindow,letaloneanintelligentyoungwomanwithcareertrouble.Iretweet,hopingthattheWWMDcommunitywilltakecareof@SabriRocks95.
“MaybeIshouldquitacademia,”Imuse,leaningbackinmychair,staringacrosstheopen-plankitchentoDr.Curie’smagnet.“ShouldIquitmyjob?”
Mariedoesn’treply.Silentapproval?TherearethingsIcoulddo.BrushupontheGermanaccusativeandmeetReikeinGreece,whereoliveoiltycoonswouldhireustoinstructtheirteenagedheirs.ShopthatsitcomideaIoncehad:aBayesianstatisticianandafrequentistbecomereluctantroommates.WritemymermaidYAseries.Moveunderabridgeandaskriddlesinexchangeforsafepassage.
MaybeIshouldn’tquit.AtleastoneK?nigswassertwinneedsastablejob,topostbailwhentheothergetsarrestedforindecentexposure.KnowingReike,that’sanydaynow.
Thenagain,I’mfairlysurethatwithoutBLINK,Trevorwon’trenewmycontractanyway.
Mycareeristheultimateunrequitedlovestory,litteredwithwell-reviewedgrantsthatnevergotfundedforpoliticalreasons,ashittybossinsteadoftherockstarIwaspromised,andnowNIHandNASApetty-fightinglikecousinsatThanksgiving.Whenyoursupposedbigbreakturnsintoalosinggame,that’swhenyoucutyourlosses,right?
Butwhatwouldbeleftofmewithoutneuroscience?WhowouldIevenbewithoutmyburningneedtocorrectpeoplewhosaythathumansuseonly10percentoftheirbrain?(Theyevenmadeamovieaboutthis.Forfuck’ssake,doesnoonefact-checkHollywoodscripts?)Didyouknowthatconservativestendtohavelargeramygdalaethanliberals?Thattaxidrivers’hippocampigrowbiggerastheymemorizehowtonavigateLondon?Thatbraindifferencespredictvariationsinpersonality?Weareournervoussystems,thecomplexcombinationofbillionsofneuronsfiringindistinctivepatterns.What’smoreexcitingthanspendingmylifefiguringoutwhatalittlechunkoftheseneuronscanaccomplish?
IavoidmyreflectionasIbrushmyteeth.MaybeIlovewhatIdotoomuch.Ishouldgobacktoschoolforsomethingboring.Auctioneering.Navalarchitecture.Sportsbroadcasting.Ishouldalsostopcrying.Ormaybenot.MaybeIshouldfeelallmyfeelingsnow,soIcanbesolution-orientedlater.Allwept-outfortomorrow,whenIexplainthismesstoTrevor.WhenItellRocíotopackherbags.
ThesecondmyheadtouchesmypillowIknowI’llexplodeifIdon’tdosomething.Anything.Onimpulse,ImessageShmac.
MARIE:Doyoueverthinkofleavingresearch?
Hisreplyisimmediate.
SHMAC:Sureamtoday
MARIE:Youhateyourlife,too?Whatarethechances.
SHMAC:Maybewe’rethesameastrologicalsign.
MARIE:lol
SHMAC:What’sgoingon?
MARIE:Myproject’sashitshow.AndI’mworkingwiththistotalcameldickwho’stheworst.Ibethe’soneofthoseassholeswhodoesn’tswitchtoairplanemodeduringtakeoff,Shmac.Heprobablybitesintopopsicles.I’mpositivehesneezesinhispalmandthenshakespeople’shands.
SHMAC:Eerilyspecific.
MARIE:Buttrue!
SHMAC:Idon’tdoubtit.
MARIE:How’sthegirl?
SHMAC:Stillmarried.Plus,sheprobablythinksI’macameldick.
MARIE:Shecouldnever.Youtwohavingatorridaffairyet?
SHMAC:Theopposite.
MARIE:Didsheatleastgetuglywhileshewasgone?
SHMAC:She’sstillthemostbeautifulthingI’veeverseen.
Myheartskipsabeat.Oh,Shmac.
SHMAC:Thataside,I’vebeenthinkingabouthowmucheasiermylifewouldbeifIquitandbecameacattrainer.Except,Ican’tevenconvincemycatnottopissundermylivingroomcarpet.
MARIE:Icanseehowthatwouldbeanissue.
MARIE:Doyoueverfeellikeweputtoomuchofourselvesintothis?
SHMAC:Onthebaddays,forsure.
MARIE:Aretheregooddays?Ever?
SHMAC:Mylastonewasinmiddleschool.Secondplaceatthesciencefair.
MARIE:DidyouwinaToysRUsgiftcertificate?
SHMAC:Nope.AMarieCuriebobblehead,holdingtwobeakersthatglowinthedark.
MARIE:Omg.IwouldMURDERforthat.
SHMAC:Ifweevermeetinperson,it’syours.
Wechatforalongtime,andit’snicetocommiseratewhileitlasts,butonceIsetmyphoneonthenightstandIfeelhopelessagain.ThelastthingIseebeforefallingasleepisLevi’sstrickenexpressionwhenIthrewathimallthethingshedidtome,paintedonthebackofmyeyelidsliketheposterofamovieIneverwanttowatchagain.7
ORBITOFRONTALCORTEX:HOPE
MYALARMRINGS,butIletitsnooze.
Once.Twice.Threetimes,five,eight,twelve,whythehellisitstillringing,whydidIevensetit—
“Bee?”
Iopenmyeyes.Barely.They’rebleary,stickywithsleep.
“Bee?”
Crap.Iinadvertentlyansweredacallfromanunknownnumber.“Shisshishee,”Islur.ThenIspitoutmyretainer.“Sorry,thisisshe.”
“Ineedyoutocomeinrightnow.”
Iinstantlyrecognizethebaritone.“Levi?”Iblinkatmyalarm.It’s6:43a.m.Ican’tkeepmylidsup.“What?Comewhere?”
“CanyoubeinBoris’sofficebyseven?”
Thatmakesmesitupinbed.OrascloseasIcanmanageatthishour.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“DoyouwanttostayandworkonBLINK?”Hisvoiceisfirm.Decisive.Icanhearbackgroundnoise.Hemustbeoutside,walkingsomewhere.
“What?”
“HaveyoutoldNIHaboutwhatNASAisdoingyet?”
“Notyet,but—”
“ThendoyouwanttostayandworkonBLINK?”
Ipressmypalmintomyeye.Thisisanightmare,right?“Ithoughtweagreedthat’snotanoption.”
“Itmightbenow.Ihave…something.”Apause.“Abitofagamble,though.”
“Whatisit?”
“Somethingthat’llgetBoristosupportus.”Hecutsoffforasecond.“—can’texplainonthephone.”
Itsoundssketchy.Likehe’stryingtoluremetoasecondarylocationtotrafficmetopeoplewho’llharvestmyfemurstomakehandlesforbadmintonracquets.
“Can’twejustmeetlater?”
“No.BorisishavingacallwiththeNASAdirectorinonehour,weneedtocatchhimbeforethen.”
Irunahandovermyface.I’mwaytoopoopedforthis.“Levi,thissoundsveryweirdandIjustwokeup.Ifyou’retryingtogetmealonetoassassinateme,couldwejustgoahead,pretendyoudidit,andgoourseparateways—”
“Listen.Whatyousaidyesterday…”Hemusthavesteppedinside,becausethebackgroundnoiseisgone.Hisvoiceisrichanddeepinmyear.IthinkIcanactuallyhearhimswallow.“ThereisnootherneuroscientistI’dwanttodothisprojectwith.Notasingleone.”
It’sablowtothesternum.Thewordsknocktheairoutofmylungs,andaweird,nonsensical,untimelythoughtcrossesmymind:it’snotthatsurprisingthatthisbroody,reservedmansnaggedhimselfabeautifulbride.Notifhe’scapableofsayingthingslikethis.
AtleastI’mawakenow.“What’shappening?”
“Bee,doyouwanttostayinHoustonandworkonBLINK?”heasksagain,butthistimeafterapauseheadds,“Withme?”
That’swhenIknowthatI’malunatic.Insane.Anutterlyinsanelunatic.Becausemyalarmsayssixforty-fivea.m.,andashiverrunsdownmyspine—orwheremyspinewouldbeifIhadone.Iscrewmyeyesshut,andthewordthatcomesoutofmymouthis:
“Yeah.”
???
ISTUMBLEOUToftheelevatortwominutespastseven,energizedbyanightofrestfulsleepanddressedforsuccess.
Justkidding.I’mwearingleggingsandaflannelshirt,Iforgottoputonabra,andhavingtochoosebetweenbrushingmyteethandwashingmyfaceIwentfortheformer,whichmeansthatwhenLevispotsmeI’mfranticallytryingtoscrapesleepboogersfrommyeyes.Ifeeljitteryanddrowsy—theworstpossiblecombination.LeviiswaitingbyBoris’soffice,puttogetherlikeit’snotthemiddleofthenight,andknocksonthedoorthemomentheseesme.Ibreakintoalightjog,andbythetimeIgetthereI’malsosweatyandoutofbreath.
Mylifeissolovely.Aslovelyasaspinaltap.
“Whatisgoingon?”
“Notimetoexplain.ButlikeIsaid,it’sagamble.Pretendyoualreadyknowwhenwe’reinthere.”
Ifrown.“Knowwhat?”
Borisyellsatustocomein.
“Justfollowmylead,”Levisays,gesturingmeinside.
“We’resupposedtobeco-leads,”Imutter.
Thecornerofhisliptwitchesup.“Followmyco-lead,then.”
“Please,tellmethismessdoesn’tendinamurder-suicide.”
Heopensthedoorandshrugs,usheringmeinwithahandbetweenmyshoulderblades.“Guesswe’llsee.”
Borishadnoideawe’dshowup.Hiseyesrollandnarrow,amixofI’mtiredandNotyoutwoandIdon’thavetimeforthis,andhestandsfrombehindhisdeskwithhishandsonhiships.
Itakeastepback.Whatisthiscarcrashofameeting?WhatdidIgetmyselfinto?Andwhy,ohwhydidIeverthinkthattrustingLeviWardwouldbeagoodidea?
“No,”Borissays,“Levi,I’mnotgoingtogooverthisagain,andnotinfrontofanNIHemployee.IhaveameetingthatIneedtoprepfor,so…”TheannoyanceinhisvoicefadesasLevi,unruffled,setshisphoneonthedesk.There’sapictureonthescreen,butIcan’tmakeoutwhatitis.Ipushuponmytoesandleanforwardtosee,butLevipullsonthebackofmyflannelandliftsoneeyebrow—whichIbelievemeansYou’resupposedtofollowmylead.IfrowninmybestSurewouldbenicetoknowwhat’sgoingon,butwhatever.
WhenIglanceatBoris,there’sadeephorizontallineinthemiddleofhisforehead.“Didyoumakesomechangestothehelmetprototype?Idon’trememberauthorizing—”
“Ididnot.”
“Thisdoesn’tlooklikewhatIapproved.”
“It’snot.”Leviholdsouthishand,andwhenBorisreturnsthephone,hepullsupanotherpicture.Aperson,wearingsomethingontheirhead.ThelineonBoris’sbrowdeepensevenmore.
“Whenwasthepicturetaken?”
“That,I’drathernotsay.”
Boris’sgazesharpens.“Levi,ifyou’remakingthisupbecauseofyesterday’sconversation—”
“ThenameofthecompanyisMagTech.Theyareverywell-established,basedinRotterdam,anddosciencetech.They’vebeenopenaboutthefactthatthey’reworkingonwirelessneurostimulationhelmets.”Apause.“Theyhaveafairlylonghistoryofsupplyingarmedforcesandmilitiaswithcombatgadgets.”
“Whicharmedforces?”
“Whoevercanpay.”
“Howfaraheadarethey?”
“Basedonthoseblueprintsandonmy…contact’sinformation,prettymuchwhereBLINK’sat.”HeholdsBoris’seyesalittletoointensely.“Atleast,whereBLINKwasat.Beforeitwasshelved.”
Borisrisksaquickglanceatme.“Technically,theprojectwasnevershelved,”hesaysdefensively.
“Technically.”ThereissomethingcommandingaboutthewayLevitalks,eventohisboss.Borisflushesandreturnsthephone.IpluckitfromLevi’shandbeforehecanpocketitandstudythepictures.
It’saneurostimulationhelmet—theblueprintsandtheprototype.Notquiteours,butsimilar.Scarilysimilar.Ohshitwehavecompetitionsimilar.
“DotheyknowaboutBLINK?”Borisisasking.
“Unclear.Buttheywouldn’thaveseenourprototype.”
“Theydon’thaveaneuroscientistontheirteam.Notagoodone,”Iadddistractedly.
“Howdoyouknowthat?”Borisasks.
Ishrug.“Well,it’sprettyobvious.They’remakingthesamemistakeLeviis—theoutputlocations.Honestly,whycan’tengineerseverbebotheredtoconsultwithexpertsoutsideoftheirdiscipline?Isitpartofvectorcalculus?Firstruleofengineering:donotdisplayweakness.Neveraskquestions.Bettertofinishawrong,unusableprototypeonyourownthantocollaboratewith—”Ilookup,noticethewayBorisandLeviarestaringatme,andslapmymouthshut.Ireallyshouldn’tbeallowedinpublicbeforecoffee.“Pointis,”Isayafterclearingmythroat,“they’renotdoingsohot,andassoonastheystarttryingoutthehelmetinactionthey’llrealizeit.”IgiveLevi’sphoneback,andhisfingersbrushmine,roughandwarm.Oureyesmeetforasplitsecond,thenflitaway.
“Theblueprint,”Borissays.“Andthepicture.Wheredidyougetthem?”
“That’snotimportant.”
Boris’seyesgodinner-platewide.“Please,tellmemyleadengineerdidn’tjustjeopardizehiscareerbyengaginginsomelightindustrialespionage—”
“Boris,”Leviinterruptshim,“thischangesthings.WeneedtobeworkingonBLINK.Now.Thosehelmetsareconceptuallysimilartoours.IfMagTechgetstoaworkingprototypeandpatentsthetechbeforewedo,we’llhaveflushedmillionsofdollarsdownthetoilet.Andthere’snotellingwhatthey’lldowiththeirdesign.Whothey’llsellitto.”Boriscloseshiseyesandscratcheshisforehead.ItmustbethesignofwearinessLeviwaswaitingfor,becauseheadds,“BeeandIarehere.Ready.Wecanfinishthisprojectinthreemonths—ifwehavethenecessaryequipment.Wecanseethisthrough.”
Borisdoesn’topenhiseyes.Theopposite:hescrunchesthemshut,asthoughhehateseverysecondofthis.“Canyoureally?Getthisdoneinthreemonths?”
Leviturnstome.
Ihonestlyhavenoidea.Sciencedoesn’tworklikethat.Itdoesn’tdodeadlinesorconsolationtrophies.Youcandesigntheperfectstudy,sleeponehouranight,feedonnothingbutdespairandLeanCuisineformonthsonend,andyourresultscanstillbetheoppositeofwhatyouwerehopingtofind.Sciencedoesn’tgiveashit.Scienceisreliableinitsvariability.Sciencedoeswhateverthefuckitwants.God,Ilovescience.
ButIsmilebrilliantly.“Ofcoursewecan.AndmuchbetterthanthoseDutchguys.”
“Okay.Okay.”Borisrunsahandthroughhishair,harried.“Ihaveameetingwiththedirectorin—damn,tenminutes.I’llpushforthis.I’llbeintouchlatertoday,but…yeah.Thingsaredifferent,withthis.”HegivesLeviapart-irritated,part-exhausted,part-admiringlook.“IsupposeIoweyoumycongratulationsonbringingBLINKbackfromthedead.”Mystomachsomersaults.Holyshit.Holyshit.Thisishappeningafterall.“IfIconvincethedirector,there’snomarginoferror.You’llhavetomakethebestneurostimulationhelmetsinthedamnworld.”LeviandIexchangealongglanceandnodatthesametime.Whenwestepoutoftheoffice,Borisisswearingsoftly.
I’mmildlyterrifiedbythisturnofevents.Ifwedogetthego-ahead,everyoneandtheirmotherwillbebreathingdownournecks.ThehonchosatNASAandNIHwillvulture-circleontopofus.I’mgoingtohavetoexplaintosomecreationistwhiteguyonhistwelfthsenatetermthatbrainstimulationisnotthesamethingasacupressure.
Oh,whoamIkidding?Iwouldn’tevenminditforachancetoactuallyworkonBLINKandfixallthosestubbornengineers’mistakes.Achancethatseemedlonggonelessthananhourago,butnow…
Ipressahandagainstmylips,exhalingalaugh.It’sgoingtohappen.Well,it’sprobablygoingtohappen.ButNASA’ssupposedtobechock-fullofgeniuseswho’llgetustoMars,no?Theywon’tbesostupidtoblocktheproject,notifit’sanow-or-neversituation.IhavenoideahowLevididit,but—
Levi.
Ilookupandthereheis,staringatmewithasoftsmileasIgrinintotheetherlikeanidiot.Ishouldsnapathimtolookaway,butwhenoureyesmeetIonlywanttogrinmore.Westandlikethatforseveralseconds,smilingmoronicallyoutsideBoris’soffice,untilhisexpressiongoesserious.
“Bee.”Whatisitaboutthewayhesaysmyname?Thepitch?Hisdeepvoice?Somethingelsealtogether?“Aboutyesterday—”
Ishakemyhead.“No.I…”God,thisapologyisgoingtobepainful.Humiliating,too.Thecolonoscopyofapologies.Bettergetitoverwith.“Listen,youshouldhavebeenmoreforthcomingaboutwhatwasgoingon,butIprobablyshouldn’thavecalledyoua…boob.Orawalnut.I’mnotsurewhatwasinmyheadandwhatIactuallysaidoutloudbut…I’msorryaboutcomingtoyourofficeandinsultingyou.”There.Done.Colonoscopy’sover.Myintestinesaresparklingclean.
ExceptthatLevidoesn’tevenacknowledgemyapology.“Whatyousaid,aboutmedespisingyou.AboutthingsthatIhavedone,I—”
“No,Iwasoutofline.Imean,it’salltrue,but—”Itakeadeepbreath.“Listen,youhaveeveryrightnottolikemeaslongasyoudealwithitprofessionally.Eventhough,let’sbereal,what’swrongwithyou?I’manabsolutedelight.”Igivehimanimpishgrin,buthedoesn’tgetthatI’mteasing,becausehestaresatmewithatoned-downversionofyesterday’sstrickenexpression.Oops.Irockonmyheelsandclearmythroat.“Sorry.Justkidding.Iknowthere’splentytodislikeaboutmeandyouare…you,whileIam…yeah.Me.Verydifferent.Iknowwe’renemesisofsorts—nemeses?Nemesi?Anyway,IgotupsetbecauseIthoughtyouwerelettingthatdictateyourbehavioronBLINK.Butclearlythat’snotthecase,soIapologizeforassuming,and—feelfreetocarryon.”Imanageamostlysinceresmile.“Aslongasyou’recivilandfairatwork,youcandislikeaway.Loathemeup.Abhormetothemoon.Detestmeintotheunknown.”Ireallymeanit.NotthatIrelishtheideaofhimhatingme,butit’ssuchagreatimprovementoveryesterday,whenIthoughtthathisdislikewouldruinmycareer,thatI’mcomingtopeacewiththis.Sortof.“Didyouactuallyengageinindustrialespionage?”
“No.Maybe.Afriendknowssomeonewhoworksfor—”Levicloseshiseyes.“Bee.Youdon’tunderstand.”
Icockmyhead.“Whatdon’tIunderstand?”
“Idon’tdislikeyou.”
“Right.”Uh-huh.“Soyou’vebeenactinglikeanasstomeforsevenyearsbecause…?”
Hesighs,hisbroadchestmovingupanddown.There’satuftoffuronthesleeveofhisshirt.Doeshehaveapet?Helookslikeadogperson.Maybeit’shisdaughter’sdog.
“BecauseIamanass.Anidiot,too.”
“Levi,it’sfine.Iunderstand,really.WhenwelivedinFrance,mysisterlovedthisclassmateofours,Ines,andIcouldnotstandher.Iwantedtopullherbraidfornoreason.Iactuallydid,once,whichwas…unfortunate,becausemyFrenchauntbelievedinsendingkidstobedwithoutdinner.”Ishrug.Leviispinchingthebridgeofhisnose,probablyshockedbyhowmuchIramblewhenI’mstillhalf-asleep.Onemorethingforhimtohateaboutme,Iguess.“Thepointis,sometimesdislikeisagutreaction.Likefallinginloveatfirstsight,youknow?Just…theopposite.”
Hiseyesspringopen.“Bee.”Heswallows.“I—”
“Levi!Hereyouare.”Kayleeiswalkingtowardus,aniPadinherhand.Iwaveather,butLevidoesn’tstopstaring.Atme.“Ineedyourapprovalontwoitems,andyouandGuyhaveameetingwithJonasin…Levi?”
Heis,forunknownreasons,stillstaringatme.Andthestrickenexpressionisback.DoIhaveasleepboogeronmynose?
“Levi?”
Thirdtimemustbethecharm,becausehefinallylooksaway.“Hey,Kaylee.”
TheystarttalkingandIwalkawaywithanotherwave,daydreamingaboutcoffeeandabra.Idon’tknowwhyIturnaroundonelasttime,rightbeforesteppingintotheelevator.Ireallydon’tknowwhy,butLeviislookingatmeagain.
EventhoughKayleeisstilltalking.
???
IT’STWOP.M.,I’mwearingabra(yes,asportsbraisarealbra;no,Idonotacceptconstructivecriticism)andsippingmyeleventhcoffeeofthedaywhenIgetatextfromLevi.
Bee,I’musingtextssinceemailsareunreliable.Yourequipmentandcomputerswillbeheretomorrow.Let’sscheduleameetingtogooverBLINKatyourearliestconvenience.KayleewillbethereshortlytosetyouupwithNASA.govemail,sothatyoucanaccessourservers.Letmeknowwhatelseyouneed.
Ican’thelpmyself.Imusthavelearnednothinginthepastweeks,becauseIdoitagain:Ishootoffmychairandjumpupanddown,screechingloudlyandjoyouslyinthemiddleoftheoffice.It’shappening.It’shappening.It’shappening,it’shappening,it’s—
“Um…Bee?”
Iwhirlaround.Rocíoisblinkingatmefromherdesk,alarmed.
“Sorry.”Iflushandquicklysitbackdown.“Sorry.Just…goodnews.”
“Thedictatorofveganismreleasedyoufromhistyrannicalclutchesandyoucanfinallyeatrealfood?”
“What?No.”
“HaveyoubeenabletoreserveacemeteryplotclosetoMarieCurie’s?”
“Thatwouldbeimpossible,asherashesareenshrinedintheParisPanthéonand—”Ishakemyhead.“Ourequipmentiscoming!Tomorrow!”
Sheactuallysmiles.Where’sadigitalcamerawhenyouneedit?“Forreal?”
“Yes!AndKaylee’sonherwaytosetusupwithNASA.govaddresses—Whereareyougoing?”Inoticeherpanickyexpressionasshestuffsherlaptopinherbag.
“Home.”
“But—”
“Sincethecomputerswillbeheretomorrow,there’snopointinstaying.”
“Butwecanstill—”
She’sgonebeforeIcanremindherthatI’mherboss—Iwilllearntoexertauthority,buttoday’snottheday.Idon’tmindtoomuchanyway.Becausewhenthedoorclosesbehindher,Ispringoutofmychairagainandjumpupanddownalittlebitmore.8
PRECENTRALGYRUS:MOVEMENT
FUNFACT:DR.Curie’sBFFwasanengineer.
Seemsunlikely,huh?IsitacrossfromthebestandbrightestofLevi’steam—totalCockcluster?,naturally—andthink:Whowouldvoluntarilyspendtimewiththeengineeringilk?Andyetit’strue,liketurkey-flavoredcandycorn,pimple-poppingvideos,andmanyotherunlikelythings.
It’spainfuleventothinkaboutit,butheregoesmyleastfavoriteMariefact:afterPierredied,shestartedseeingastrappingyoungphysicistnamedPaulLangevin.Honestly,it’swhatshedeserved.Mygirlwasayoungwidowwhospentmostofhertimestompingonuraniumorelikeitwaswinegrapes.Wecanallagreethatifshewantedtogetlaid,theonlyadequateresponseshouldhavebeen:“Wherewouldyoulikeyourmattressplaced,MadameCurie?”Right?
Wrong.
Thepressgotaholdofthegossipandcrucifiedherforit.Theytreatedherlikeshe’dboardedatraintoSarajevoandassassinatedFranzFerdinandherself.Theywhinedaboutthelamestthings:MadameCurieisahome-wrecker(Paulhadseparatedfromhiswifeagesbefore);MadameCurieistarnishingPierre’sgoodname(Pierrewasprobablyhigh-fivingherfromphysicsheaven,whichisfullofatheistscientistsandappletreesforNewtonandhisbuddiestositunder);MadameCurieisfiveyearsolderthanalmost-forty-year-oldPaul(gasp!)andthereforeacradle-robber(double-gasp!!).Ifthereisonethingmenhatemorethanasmartwoman,it’sasmartwomanwhomakesherownchoiceswhenitcomestoherownsexlife.Itwasawholething:lotsofsexist,antiSemiticcrapwaswritten,pistolduelswereheld,thewords“Polishscum”wereused,andDr.Curieplungedintoadeepdepression.
Butthat’swheretheengineerBFFcomesin.
HernamewasHerthaAyrtonandshewasabitofapolymath.ThinkofyourhighschoolfriendwhoalwaysgotstraightA’sbutwasalsothecaptainofthesoccerteam,didlightsforthedramaclub,andmoonlightedasasuffragetteleader.Hertha’sfamousforstudyingelectricarcs—lightning,butwaycooler.IliketofantasizeaboutherusingherscientificknowledgetoburnMarie’senemiestoacrisp,Zeus-style,butthetruthisthattheirmutualloveandsupportmostlytranslatedintovacationingtogethertoescapetheFrenchpress.
Sometimesfriendshipismadeofquietlittlemomentsanddoesn’tinvolvelethallightningbolts.Disappointing,Iknow.Thenagain,othertimesfriendshipismadeofbetrayal,andheartache,andspendingtwoyearstryingtoforgetthatyoublockedthenumberofsomeonewhosetake-outordersyouusedtohavememorized.
Anyway.Themoralofthisparticularstoryis,Ibelieve,thatengineersarenotallbad.ButtheonesI’mattemptingtocollaboratewithareoftenstabable.Likenow,forexample.IhaveMark,thematerialsguyonBLINK,lookingmeintheeyeandtellingmeforthethirdtimeintwominutes:“Impossible.”
Okay.Let’stryagain.“Ifwedon’tmovetheoutputchannelsfartherapart—”
“Impossible.”
Four.Fourtimesin…Welp.Stilltwominutes.
Itakeadeepbreath,rememberingatechniquemyoldtherapistused.IsawherforashorttimeafterTimandIbrokeup,whenmyself-confidencewassixfeetunder,partyingitupwithdisgruntledgrubsandMesozoicfossils.ShetaughtmetheimportanceoflettinggoofwhatIcannotcontrol(others)andfocusingonwhatIcan(myreactions).She’doftendothiscraftylittlething:reframemyownstatementstohelpmeachieveself-realization.
TimetotherapizeMarktheMaterialEngineer.
“IunderstandthatI’maskingyoutodosomethingthatiscurrentlyimpossible,giventheinnershellofthehelmet.”Ismileencouragingly.“Butmaybe,ifIexplainwhatneedstobedonefromaneuroscienceperspective,wecanfindawaytoachieveamiddleground—”
“Impossible.”
Idon’thead-desk,butonlybecauseLevihappenstoentertheroomrightatthatmoment,noddinghisgoodmorninginourgeneraldirectionandrollingupthesleevesofhisHenley.Hisforearmsarestrongandinsanelyattractive—andwhythehellamIevennoticingthem?Aargh.Kayleeletusknowhe’dbelatebecauseofsomethingatPenny’sschool.Which,Iguess,isthenameofhisdaughter.BecauseLevihasadaughter.IpromiseI’llstoprepeatingthisfactassoonasitbecomeslessshockingtome(i.e.,never).
Everyonegreetshim,andIfeelajolttomystomach.We’vebeenemailing,butwehaven’ttalkedinpersonsinceyesterday,whenIgavehimofficialpermissiontoabhorme—aslongashe’sprofessionalaboutit.I’mcurioustoseehowhe’llplay.IndeferencetohistendersensibilitiesI’mwearingmytiniestseptumringandthesingleAnnTaylordressIown.It’sanolivebranch;hedamnbetterappreciateit.
“Iseewhatyou’resaying,”ItellMark.“Therearephysicalimpossibilitiesinherenttothematerials,butwemightbeableto—”
Herepeatstheonlywordheknows.“Impossible.”
“—findasolutionthat—”
“No.”
I’mabouttopraisethesuddenvarietyinhisvocabularywhenLeviinterjects.“Letherfinish,Mark.”Hetakesaseatnexttome.“Whatwereyousaying,Bee?”
Huh?What’shappening?“The…um,theissueistheoutputsplacement.Theyneedtobepositioneddifferentlyifwewanttostimulatetheintendedregion.”
Levinods.“Liketheangulargyrus?”
Iflush.Comeon,Iapologizedforthat!Iglareathimforshadingmeinfrontofhisteam,butInoticeanoddgleaminhiseyes,asthoughhe…Wait.It’snotpossible.He’snotteasingme,ishe?
“Y-yes,”Istammer,lost.“Liketheangulargyrus.Andotherbrainregions,too.”
“AndwhatItoldher,”Marksayswithallthepetulanceofasix-year-oldwho’stooshortfortherollercoaster,“isthatgiventhepropertyoftheKevlarblendwe’reusingfortheinnershell,thedistancebetweenoutputsneedstostaythewayitis.”
Actually,whathetoldmewas“Impossible.”I’mabouttopointthatoutwhenLevisays,“ThenwechangetheKevlarblend.”Itseemstomelikeaperfectlyreasonableavenuetoexplore,buttheotherfivepeopleatthetableseemtothinkit’sascontroversialastheconceptofgluteninthetwenty-firstcentury.Murmursrise.Tonguescluck.AguywhosenamemightbeFredgasps.
“Thatwouldbeasignificantchange,”Markwhines.
“It’sunavoidable.Weneedtodoproperneurostimulationwiththehelmets.”
“Butthat’snotwhattheSullivanprototypecallsfor.”
ThisisthesecondtimeI’veheardtheSullivanprototypementioned,andthesecondtimeadensesilenceensueswhenit’sbroughtup.ThedifferencetodayisthatI’mintheroom,andIcanseehoweveryonelookstoLeviuneasily.Ishethemainauthoroftheprototype?Can’tbe,sincehe’snewtoBLINK.SullivanisthenameoftheDiscoveryInstitute,somaybethat’swhereit’sfrom?IwanttoaskGuy,buthe’soffsettingupequipmentwithRocíoandKayleethismorning.
“We’llbeasfaithfulaspossibletotheSullivanprototype,butitwasalwaysmeanttobeavehiclefortheneuroscience,”Levisays,firmandfinalasusual,withthatcompetent,big-dickcalmofhis,andeveryonenodssomberly,moresothanonewouldexpectfromabunchofdudeswhothrottleoneanotheroverdonutsandcomeintoworkintheirpajamas.There’sclearlysomethingIdon’tknow.Whatisthisplace,TwinPeaks?Why’severyonesofullofsecrets?
Wehammeroutdetailsforacouplemorehours,decidingthatforthenextweeksI’llfocusonmappingtheindividualbrainsofthefirstbatchofastronautswhileengineeringrefinestheshell.WithLevipresent,histeamtendstoagreetomysuggestionsmorequickly—aphenomenonknownasSausageReferencing?.Well,toAnnieandme,atleast.InCockcluster?orWurstFest?situations,havingamanvouchforyouwillhelpyoubetakenseriously—thebetter-regardedtheman,thehigherhisSausageReferencing?power.
Notableexample:Dr.CuriewasnotoriginallyincludedintheNobelPrizenominationfortheradioactivitytheoryshehadcomeupwith,untilG?staMittag-Leffler,aSwedishmathematiciandude,intercededforherwiththeall-maleawardcommittee.Lessnotableexample:halfwaythroughmymeetingwiththeengineers,whenIpointoutthatwewon’tbeabletostimulatedeepintothetemporallobe,MaybeFredtellsme,“Actually,wecan.Itookaneuroscienceclassinundergrad.”Oh,boy.Thatwasprobablytwoweeksago.“I’mprettysuretheystimulatedthemedialtemporallobe.”
Isigh.Ontheinside.“Who?”
“Something…Welch?InChicago?”
“JackWalsh?Northwestern?”
“Yeah.”
Inodandsmile.ThoughmaybeIshouldn’tsmile.MaybethereasonIhavetodealwiththiscrapisthatIsmiletoomuch.“Jackdidnotstimulatethehippocampusdirectly—hestimulatedoccipitalareasconnectedtoit.”
“Butinthepaper—”
“Fred,”Levisays.He’ssittingbackinhischair,dwarfingit,holdingahalf-eatenappleinhisrighthand.“IthinkwecantakethewordofaPh.D.-trainedneuroscientistwithdozensofpublicationsonthis,”headds,calmbutauthoritative.Thenhetakesanotherbiteofhisapple,andthat’stheendoftheconversation.
See?SausageReferencing?.Workseverytime.Andeverytimeitmakesmewanttoflipatable,butIjustmoveontothenexttopic.WhatcanIsay?I’mtired.
AndnowIcraveanapple.
MystomachgrowlswhenIslipouttofillmywaterbottle.I’mthinkingwistfullyoftheLeanCuisinecurrentlyunthawingatmydeskwhenIhearit.
“Meow.”
Irecognizethechirpyqualityofitimmediately.It’smycalico—well,thecalico—peekingatmefrombehindthewaterfountain.
“Hey,sweetie.”Igodownonmykneestopether.“Wheredidyougotheotherday?”
Chirp,meow.Somepurrs.
“Whatareyoudoingallalone?”
Aheadbutt.
“Areyouhuntingmice?Doyouworkasc-lawenforcement?”Ilaughatmyownpun.Thecatgivesmeascathinglookandwandersaway.“Oh,comeon,itwasagoodjoke.Itwashiss-terical!”
Onelastindignantglare,andsheturnsthecorner.Igiggle,thenhearstepscomingupbehindme.Idon’tlookback.Idon’tneedto,sinceIalreadyknowwhoitis.“Therewasacat,”Isayweakly.
Leviwalkspastmetofillhiswaterbottle.He’ssotall,heneedstohunchoverthefountain.Hisbicepsshiftunderthecottonofhisshirt.Washethisbigingradschool?OrdidIgetevenshorter?Maybeit’sthestress.Maybeearlyonsetosteoporosisiskickingin.Gottabuysomecalcium-settofu.“Right,”hesays,noncommittal.Hiseyesareonthewater.
“No,forreal.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’mserious.Shewentthatway.”Ipointtomyright.Levilooksinthatdirectionwithapolitenodandthenwalksbackinsidetheroom,sippinghiswater.
Istayonmykneesinthedeadmiddleofthehallwayandsigh.Idon’tcareifLeviWardassbelievesme.
Heprobablyhatescatsanyway.
???
“EQUIPMENT’SREADY.ANDGuysetupourcomputers,”Rocíosaysaswewalkbacktoourapartments.
Ismileintothesoupyafternoonair.“Awesome.HowwasworkingwithGuyandKaylee?”
“Howwasworkingwithyourlifelongswornarchfoe?”
Igiveherthestinkeye.“Ro.”MytimewithherisperfectpracticefortheadolescentdaughterImightneverhave
“Itwasfine,”shemutters.Ifrownathertone.
“Yousure?”
“Yeah.”
“Itdoesn’tsoundfine.Isthereaproblem?”
“Yes.Several.Globalwarming,systemicracism,theoverpopulationofecologicalniches,theunnecessaryAmericanremakeofSwedishromantichorrormasterpieceLettheRightOneIn—”
“Rocío.”Istoponthesidewalk.“Ifthere’ssomethingoffinthewayyou’rebeingtreated,ifGuy’smakingyouuncomfortable,pleasefeelfreeto—”
“HaveyouseenGuy?”shescoffs.“Helooksliketheharmlesslovechildofameerkatandanaltarboy.”
“Thatisveryrudeand”—Iblink—“disturbinglyaccurate,butitsoundslikeyouhadanunpleasantday,soifthere’sanythingthatbothersyou,I—”ShemutterssomethingIcan’thear.Ileancloser.“Whatdidyousay?”
Anothermumbledreply.
“What?Ican’t—”
“Isaid,IhateKaylee.”Shescreamsitsoloud,amanpushingastrollerontheothersideofthestreetturnstolookatus.
“Youhate…Kaylee?”
Shewhirlsaroundandstartswalking.“IsaidwhatIsaid.”Ihurryafterher.
“Wait—areyouserious?”
“I’malwaysserious.”
She’snot.“Didshedosomethingtoyou?”
“Yes.”
“Thentellme,please.”Iputmyhandonhershoulder,tryingtobereassuring.“I’mhereforyou,whateveritis—”
“Herstupidcurls,”Rocíospitsout.“TheylooklikeadamnFibonaccispiral.They’relogarithmic,andtheirgrowthfactoristhegoldenratio—nottomentionthattheyevenlooklikespungold.IssheCinderella?IsthisDisneylandParis?”
Iblink.“Ro,areyou—”
“Andwhatself-respectingpersonwearsthatmuchglitter?Unironically?”
“Ilikeglitter—”
“No,youdon’t,”shegrowls.Icanonlynod.Okay.Don’tlikeglitteranymore.“Andearliershedroppedsomethingandyouknowwhatshesaid?”
“Oops?”
“?‘Lordy.’Shesaid,‘Oh,Lordy!’—doyouunderstandwhyIcannotworkwithher?”
Inodtobuytime.Thisis…interesting.Attheveryleast.“I,um,understandthatyoutwoareverydifferentandmightneverbefriends,butIneedyoutoovercomeyour…revulsionforsequins—”
“Pinksequins.”
“—forpinksequins,andtogetalongwithher.”
“Impossible.Iquit.”
“Listen,noneofthesethingsaregroundsforaformalcomplaint.Wecan’tpoliceourcoworkers’senseoffashion.”
Rocíofrowns.“WhatifItoldyouthatshehadalollipop?Thekindwithguminside?”
“Stillno.”Ismile.“Wannaknowsomething?EverythingyoufeelaboutKaylee,Levifeelsaboutme.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Hehatesmyhair.Mypiercings.Myclothes.I’mprettysurehethinksmyfaceisonparwithasplatterpunkmovie.”
“Splatterpunkmoviesarethebest.”
“SomehowIdon’tthinkhe’dagree.ButheignoresthefactthatI’matotalswamphagsowecancollaborate.Andyoushoulddothesame.”
Rocíoresumeswalking,morose.“Doeshereallyhatethewayyoulook?”
“Yep.Alwaysdid.”
“It’sstrange,then.”
“What’sstrange?”
“Hestaresatyou.Plenty.”
“Oh,no.”Ilaugh.“Heputsalotofeffortintonotstaringatme.It’shisCrossFit.”
“It’stheopposite.Atleastwhenyou’renotlooking.”I’mabouttoaskherifshe’shigh,butsheshrugs.“Whatever.Ifyouwon’tsupportmeinmyhatredforKayleeIhavenochoicebuttocallAlexandrageathimwhileIlistentoNorwegiandeathmetal.”
Ipatherback.“Soundsliketheloveliestofevenings.”
Athome,Ijustwanttostuffmyfacewithpeanutbuttercupsandsendtwelve@WhatWouldMarieDotweetsabouttheinjusticeofSausageReferencing?,butIlimitmyselftocheckingmyDMs.IsmilewhenIfindonefromShmac:
SHMAC:Howarethings?
MARIE:Weirdly,muchbetter.
SHMAC:Didcameldickburstintoflames?
MARIE:Lol,no.IdothinkhemightbelessofacameldickthanIthought.Stilladick,don’tgetmewrong.Butmaybenotcamel.Maybehe’slike,idk,aduckdick?
SHMAC:Haveyoueverseenaduckdick?
MARIE:No?Butthey’resmallandcute,right?
Iwatchthewheelspinasthepicturehesendsmeloads.Iinitiallythinkit’sacorkscrew.ThenIrealizethatit’sattachedtoalittlefeatheredbodyand—
MARIE:OMGWHATISTHATABOMINATION
SHMAC:Yourcolleague.
MARIE:Itakeitback!Iun-demotehim!He’sacameldickagain!
MARIE:How’syourgirlfriend?
SHMAC:Yetagain:Iwish.
MARIE:Howarethingswithher?
There’salongpauseafter,inwhichIdecidetoactlikethemotivatedadultthatI’mnotandputonrunningshortsandmyMarieCurie&TheIsotopes—EuropeanTour1911T-shirt.
SHMAC:Amess.
MARIE:Howcome?
SHMAC:Ifuckedthingsup.
MARIE:Beyondrepair?
SHMAC:Ithinkso.There’salotofhistoryhere.
MARIE:Wanttotellme?
Thethreedotsatthebaseofthescreenbounceforawhile,soIcheckmyCouch-to-5Kapp.LooksliketodayIneedtorunfiveminutes,walkoneminute,andthenrunfivemoreminutes.Soundsfeasible.
Oh,whoamIkidding?Itsoundsharrowing
SHMAC:It’scomplicated.PartofitisthatIfirstmetherwhenIwasyounger.
MARIE:Pleasedon’ttellmeyouhaveasecretstemlordpast.
SHMAC:Ihaveanassholepast.
MARIE:Howmanyladieshaveyouharassedontheinternet?
SHMAC:Zero.ButIdidgrowupinahostile,uncommunicativeenvironment.IwasanuncommunicativepersonbeforeIrealizedthatIcouldn’tspendtherestofmylifelikethat.Igottherapy,whichhelpedmefigureouthowtodealwithfeelingsthatare…overwhelming.ExcepteverytimeItalktohermybrainblanksandIbecomethepersonIusedtobe.
MARIE:Ouch.
SHMAC:Ineversuspectedhowsomeofmyactionscameacross,butinhindsighttheymakecompletesense.Still,somethingshesaidmakesmewonderifherhusbandtoldhersomeliesthataggravatedthesituation.
MARIE:Youshouldtellher.Ifitwereme,I’dwanttoknow.
SHMAC:Intheenditdoesn’tmatter.She’shappywithhim.
Itakeadeepbreath.
MARIE:Okay,listen.ForyearsIthoughtthatIwashappyinarelationshipwithsomeonewhoturnedouttobeachronicliar.Andinmyexperiencerelationshipsthatarebasedonliescan’tlast.Notinthelongterm.You’dbedoingherafavor,ifyoucameclean.
Idon’tmentiontohimthatallrelationshipscan’tlast.PeopletendtogetdefensivewhenIdo.Theyhavetofigureitoutontheirown.
SHMAC:I’msorrythathappenedtoyou.
MARIE:I’msorrythisishappeningtoyou.
SHMAC:Lookatus.Twosorryscientists.
MARIE:Isthereanyotherkind?
SHMAC:NotthatIknowof.
MyhearthurtsforShmacasIputonmysneakers.Ican’tevenimaginehowawfulitmustbe,tobeinlovewithamarriedperson.HeartbreakingsituationslikethisvindicatethecorporatemissionofBee,Inc.:keepuptheBee-fence.Never,everfallforsomeone.Ifmyheartgetsbrokenagain,neurosciencewillbetheone.It’ssuretodoamuchcleanerjobthanstupidTim,anyway.DoctorCuriewouldsupportmeinthisdecision,I’mpositive.
Ispringupfromthecouchandventureoutintothesoup-likeHoustonairformyrun.
???
IFIRUNattheSpaceCenter,someoneIknowmightseemecrawlmywayabout,andIwouldn’twishthatsightuponaninnocentbystander.Googlecomestomyaid:there’salittlecemeteryaboutfiveminutesaway.ReadingbabynameslikeAlfordorBrockholstongravestonesmightbeanicedistractionfromthegut-wrenchingtormentofexercising.IslipinmyLoveIsland
Don’tjudge.It’sanunderratedshow.
Disappointingly,sittingonthecouchthinkingaboutworkingouthasnotimprovedmyaerobicfitness.Irealizeitonminutethreeofmyrun,whenIcollapseinfrontofthetombstoneofNoahF.Moore(surprisinglyfitting),1834–1902.Ilieinthegrassdrenchedinsweat,listeningtomyheartpoundinmyears.Ormaybeit’sjustAlanisscreaming.
I’mnotmeantforthis.Andby“this”Imeanusingmybodyforanythingmorestrenuousthanreachingformytreatcupboard.Which,incidentally,isallmycupboards.Yes,okay:Dr.Curiebondedwithherhusbandovertheirsharedloveofcyclingandnaturewalks,butwecan’tallbelikeher:gentlewoman,scholar,andathlete.
WhenInoticethatthesunissetting,Iscrapemyselfofftheground,bidfarewelltoNoah,andstarthobblinghome.I’malmostbackattheentrancewhenInoticesomething:thereisnoentrance.ThetallgatesIranthroughonmywayherearenowclosed.Itrytoshakethemopen,butnodice.Ilookaround.Thewallsaretoohighformetoclimb—becauseI’mfivefeettallandeverythingistoohighformetoclimb.
Itakeadeepbreath.Thisisokay.It’sfine.I’mnotstuckinhere.IfIfollowthewallsI’llfindashortersegmentIcaneasilyclimbover.
Ornot.Idefinitelyhaven’tfoundonefifteenminuteslater,whenHouston’sfirmlyinduskterritoryandIhavetoturnonmyflashlightapptoseeafewfeetawayfromme.Isumupthesituationinmyhead:I’malone(sorry,Noah,youdon’tcount),stuckinacemeteryaftersundown,andmyphoneisat20percent.Oops.
Ifeelawaveofpanicswellandimmediatelyleashit.No.Down.Badpanic.Notreatsforyou.Ineedtoengageinsomegoal-orientedproblem-solvingbeforeIcanwallowindespair.WhatcanIdo?
Icouldyellandhopesomeonehearsme,butwhatcouldtheydo?Buildamakeshiftropewiththeirbelts?Hmm.Seemslikeatraumaticbraininjurywaitingtohappen.Pass.
Icouldcall911,then.Though911isprobablybusysavingpeoplewhoactuallydeservetobesaved.Peoplewhodidn’tmoronicallygetthemselveslockedinsideacemeteryatnight.CallingsomeoneIknowwouldbebetter.Icouldasksomeonetobringmealadder.Yes,thatsoundsgood.
IhavethephonenumbersoftwopeoplewhocurrentlyliveinHouston.Theseconddoesn’tcount,becauseI’llsleepcradledbytheslimyarmsofNoah’sskeletonbeforecallingit.Butthat’sokay,becausethefirstisRocío,whocouldaskthesuperforaladderanddrivehereinourrental.Let’sbereal:cemeteriesatnightarehernaturalhabitat.She’lllovethisimmensely.
Ifonlyshebotheredtoanswerherphone.Icallheronce,twice.Seventimes.ThenIrememberthatGenZswouldratherrollaroundinnettlesthantalkonthephone,andItexther.Noanswer.Mystupidbatteryisat18percent,mosquitosaresuckingbloodoutofmyshins,andRocíoisprobablyhavingSkypesextoabandcalledThorr’sHammer.
WhoelsecanIcall?HowlongwouldittakeReiketoflyhere?Isittoolatetoaskherforthenumberofnose-tongueguy?WhatarethechancesthatShmacsecretlylivesinHouston?ShouldIemailGuy?Buthehasakid.Hemightnotcheckhisemailatnight.
Myphoneisat12percent,andmyeyesfallonthe832numberinmyincomingcalllog.Ihaven’tevenbotheredsavingit.BecauseIthoughtI’dneveruseit.
Ican’t.Ican’t.Ican’tcallLevi.He’sprobablyathome,havingaStepforddinnerwithhiswife,playingwithhisdog,helpinghisdaughterwithmathhomework.Pennyoftheblackcurls.No.Ican’t.He’dhatemeevenmore.Andthehumiliation.He’salreadysavedmeonce.
Ninepercent,theworldispitchblack,andIhatemyself.There’snoalternative.IhavesuccessfullydefendedaPh.D.dissertation,overcomeadepressiveepisode,gottenmychunchafullywaxedeverymonthforyears,andyettappingonceonLevi’snumberfeelslikethehardestthingI’veeverdone.MaybeIshouldjustsettleinforthenight.Maybeapackofbobcatswillletmesnuggleintheirpile.Maybe—
“Yes?”
Oh,shit.Heanswered.Whydidheanswer?He’samillennial;wealsohatetalkingonthe—
“Hello?”
“Um,sorry.ThisisBee.K?nigswasser.We,um,worktogether?AtNASA?”
Apause.“Iknowwhoyouare,Bee.”
“Right.Yes.So…”Iclosemyeyes.“IamhavingabitofaproblemandIwaswonderingifyoucould—”
Hedoesn’thesitate.“Whereareyou?”
“See,I’minthislittlecemeterybytheSpaceCenter.Greenwood?”
“Greenforest.Areyoulockedin?”
“I—Howdoyouknow?”
“You’recallingmefromacemeteryaftersundown.Cemeteriescloseatsundown.”
Thatwouldhavebeenausefulpieceofinformationforty-fiveminutesago.“Yeah,so…thewallsaresortoftall,andmyphoneissortofdying,andI’msortof—”
“Gostandbythegates.Turnofftheflashlightifyouhaveiton.Don’ttalktoanyoneyoudon’tknow.I’llbethereintenminutes.”Abeat.“I’vegotyou.Don’tworry,okay?”
HehangsupbeforeIcantellhimtobringaladder.And,cometothinkofit,beforeIcanaskhimtocomerescueme9
MEDIALFRONTALCORTEX:MAYBEIWASWRONG?
THESECONDLEVIappearsIwanttokisshimforrescuingmefromthemosquitos,andtheghosts,andtheghostsofthemosquitos.IalsowanttokillhimforwitnessingtheextentofthehumiliationofBeeK?nigswasser,humandisaster.WhatcanIsay?Icontainmultitudes.
Hestepsoutofanoil-guzzlingtruckthatIsadlyhavenorighttocomplainaboutanymore,surveysthewall,andcomestostandontheothersideofthegate.Tohiscredit,ifhe’ssmirkinghe’sdoingitontheinside.Hisexpressionisneutralwhenheasks,“Youokay?”
Doesthoroughlymortifiedcountasokay?Let’ssay:“Yeah.”
“Good.Thisiswhatwe’regoingtodo:I’llslideintheladderthroughthegates,andyou’lluseittogetontopofthewall.I’llbeontheothersidetocatchyou.”
Ifrown.Hesoundsvery…incharge.Self-assured.Notthatheusuallydoesn’t,butit’shavinganew…effectonme.OhmyGod.AmIadamselindistress?
“Howwillweretrievetheladder?”
“I’lldrivebytomorrowmorningandpickitup.”
“Whatifsomeonestealsit?”
“I’llhavelostapreciousheirloompasseddownmyfamilyforgenerations.”
“Really?”
“No.Ready?”
I’mnot,butitdoesn’tmatter.Heliftstheladderlikeit’safeatherandslidesitthroughthegate.Itfeelsalittleless-than-coolwhenIfindthatit’ssoheavy,Icanbarelyholditupright.ItellmyselfthatIhaveothertalentsashehastopatientlyguidemethroughtheprocessofreleasingthecatchesandsettingthesafetymechanism.HemustnoticehowannoyingIfindbeingcoached,becausehesays,“Atleastyouknowabouttheangulargyrus.”
Iturntohissathim,butstopwhenIseehisexpression.Isheteasingmeagain?Forthesecondtime?Inaday?
Whatever.Iclimbup,whichprovestobeanicedistraction.BecauseyouknowhowImentionedthatmybodylikestofaint?Well.Heightsmakeitliketofaintevenmore.I’mhalfwaytothetop,andmyheadstartsspinning.Iclutchthesidebarsandtakeadeepbreath.Icandothis.Icanmaintainnormalbloodpressurewithoutpassingout.I’mnoteventhathighup.Here,ifIlookdownIcan—
“Don’t,”Leviorders.
Iturntohim.I’mafewinchestaller,andhelooksevenmorehandsomefromthisangle.God,Ihatehim.Andmyself.“Don’twhat?”
“Don’tlookdown.It’llbeworse.”
Howdoesheevenknowthat—
“Lookup.Takeonestepaftertheother,slowly.Yes,good.”Idon’tknowifhisadviceworks,orifmybloodpressurenaturallyspikeswhenI’mtoldwhattodo,butImakeittothetopwithoutcrumplinglikeasackofpotatoes.AtwhichpointIrealizethattheworstisyetahead.“Justloweryourselffromtheedge,”Levisays.He’sstandingrightbelowme,armsraisedtocatchme,hisheadafewinchesfrommydanglingfeet.
“Jesus.”Forgetfainting.I’mabouttobarf.“Whatifyoudon’tcatchme?WhatifI’mtooheavy?Whatifwebothfall?WhatifIbreakyourneck?”
“Iwill,you’reobviouslynot,wewon’t,andyouwon’t.Comeon,Bee,”hesayspatiently.“Justcloseyoureyes.”
See?Thisiswhatyougetyourselfintowhenyouworkout.Stayinthesafeharborofyourcouch,kids.
“Youready?”heasksencouragingly.Trustfalls.WithLeviWardass.God,whendidthisbecomemylife?Dr.Curie,pleasewatchoutforme.
Iletmyselfgo.ForasecondI’msuspendedinair,surethatI’llsplatterHumpty-Dumptystyle.Thenstrongfingersclosearoundmywaist,andI’minLevi’sarmsforthesecondtimeintendays.Imusthavepushedfromthewallalittletooforcefully,becauseweendupcloserthanIintended.Myfrontrubsagainsthimashelowersmetotheground,andIfeeleverything.Everything.Thehardmusclesofhisshouldersundermyhands.Theheatofhisfleshthroughtheshirt.Thewayhisbeltbitesintomyabdomen.Thedangeroustinglinginmylowerbellyashe—What?No
Istepback.ThisisLeviWard.Amarriedman.Afather.Acameldick.WhatamIeventhinking?
“Areyouokay?”
Inod,flustered.“Thankyouforgettingheresoquickly.”
Helooksaway.Hemaybeflushing.“You’rewelcome.”
“I’msosorrytodisruptyourevening.ItriedtocallRocío,butshewas…I’mnotsurewhere.”
“I’mgladyoucalledme.”
Ishe?Iseriouslydoubtit.“Anyway,thankyousomuch.HowcanIreturnthefavor?CanIpayforgas?”
Heshakeshishead.“I’lldriveyouhome.”
“Oh,there’snoneed.I’mjustfiveminutesaway.”
“It’spitchblackandtherearenosidewalks.”Heholdsthepassengerdooropen,andIhavenochoicebuttogetin.Whatever.Icansurviveonemoreminuteincloseproximitywithhim.
Theinsideofhistruckispristineandsmellsgood—notsomethingIbelievedpossible—withahandfulofL?rabarsinthebackthatmakemystomachcrampwithhunger,andahalf-fullCamelBakthatI’driskhisgermsfor.Healsodrivesastickshift.Hmph.Show-off.
“You’restayingatthelodgingfacilities,right?”
Inod,pullingatthehemofmyshorts.Idon’tlikehowhightheyridewhenIsit.NotthatLeviwouldevervoluntarilylookatmythighs,butI’mabitself-conscious,sinceTimusedtomakefunofmeforbeingbowlegged.AndAnniewoulddefendme,growlathimthatmylegswereperfectandhisopinionwasunnecessary,andIwould—
Thetruckstarts.Afamiliarvoicefillsthecabin,butLeviquicklyswitchestoNPR.Iblink.Theanchoristalkingaboutmail-inballots.“Wasthat…PearlJam?”
“Yeah.”
“Vitalogy?”
“Yep.”
Humph.PearlJam’snotmyfavorite,butit’sgood,andIhatethatLevilikesgoodmusic.IneedhimtoloveDaveMatthewsBand.TostantheInsaneClownPosse.TohaveaNickelbacktrampstamp.It’swhatIdeserve.
“Whatwereyoudoinginacemetery?”heasks.
“Just…running.”
“Yourun?”Hesoundssurprised.Offensivelyso.
“Hey,IknowIlooklikeawimp,but—”
“Youdon’t,”heinterjects.“Looklikeawimp,Imean.Just,ingradschoolyou…”
Iturntohim.Thecornerofhismouthiscurvingupward.“Iwhat?”
“Onceyousaidthattimespentworkingoutistimeonenevergetsback.”
Ihavenomemoriesofsayingthat.EspeciallytoLevi,sinceweexchangedapproximatelytwelvewordsatPitt.ThoughitdoessoundlikesomethingI’dsay.“Asitturnsout,thehigheryouraerobicfitness,thehealthieryourhippocampus.NottomentiontheoverallconnectivityofyourDefaultModeNetworkandmultipleaxonbundles,so…”Ishrug.“Ifindmyselfresentfullyacknowledgingthataccordingtoscience,exerciseisagoodthing.”Hechuckles.Crow’s-feetcrinklethecornersofhiseyes,anditmakesmewanttocontinue.NotthatIcareaboutmakinghimlaugh.WhywouldI?“I’mdoingthisCouch-to-5Kprogram,but…ew.”
“Ew?”
“Ew.”
Hissmilewidensamillimeter.“Howlong’stheprogram?”
“Fourweeks.”
“Howlonghaveyoubeenonit?”
“Coupleweeks.”
“Whatdistanceareyouupto?”
“…Pointtwomiles.Ihitthewall.On,um,minutethree.”Hegivesmeaskepticalglance.“Tobefair,thisisonlymysecondtimerunningsinceIwasinmiddleschool.”
“Theheathereisterrible.Youmightwanttoruninthemorning.Butyou’renotamorningperson,right?”Hebiteshislippensively.Iwonderhowhecouldpossiblyknowthat,andrealizethatsadly,oneneedsonlytotakealookatmebeforeelevena.m.“There’sagymintheSpaceCenteryoushouldhaveaccessto.”
“Ichecked.It’snotfreeforcontractors,andI’mnotsurethehealthofmynervoussystemisworthseventybucksamonth.”AriShapiroisaskingacorrespondentaboutsomeFacebooklawsuit.“Yourun5Ks?”Iask.
“No.”
Myeyesnarrow.“Isitbecauseyouonlyrunmarathonsandabove?”
“I…”Hehesitates,lookingsheepish.“Irunhalfmarathons,sometimes.”
“Well,then,”Isayconversationallyashepullsintotheparkinglot,“thankyouverymuchfortherescueandtheride,butIneedtobealonesoIcanhateyouinpeacenow.”
Helaughsagain.Whydoesitsoundsonice?“Hey,Istrugglewithrunning,too.”
I’msurehedoes.Aroundmilethirty-fourorso.“Well,thanks.It’sthesecondtimeyousavedme.”Despitethefactthatwe’renemeses.Outstanding,huh?
“Thesecond?”
“Yeah.”Ireleasetheseatbelt.“Theothertimewasatwork.WhenIwasalmost…pancaked?”
“Ah.”Somethingjumpsinhisjawatthemention.“Yeah.”
“Well,haveagreatnight.”Ipatmypockets.“Apologiesfor—”Ipatsomemore.ThenItwistaroundintheseat,inspectitforsomethingthatmighthaveslippedout,andfindnothing.It’saspristineaswhenIgotin.“Uh…”
“What’sgoingon?”
“I—”Iclosemyeyes,tryingtoremembermyday.Iputonshorts.Putmykeysintothepocket.FeltthembounceagainstmylegwhileIwasrunning,upuntil…Shit.IthinktheyfelloutwhenIcollapsedonthegrave.“Damnyou,NoahMoore,”Imutter.
“What?”
“IthinkIleftmykeysinthecemetery.”Igroan.“Shit,thesuperleavesatseven.”Jesus,what’swrongwiththisday?Ibitemylowerlip,riflingthroughoptions.IcouldsleeponRocío’scouchandgopickupmykeysfirstthinginthemorning.Ofcourse,I’mnotsurewhereRocíois,orwhethershe’llcometothedoor.Thefactthatmyphoneisat4percentdoesnot—
IstartlewhenLevistartsthetruckagain.“Oh,thanks,butthere’snoneedtogobacktothecemetery.Iwouldn’tknowhowtogetin,and—”
“I’mnottakingyoutothecemetery.”He’snotlookingatme.“Fastenyourseatbelt.”
“What?”
“Fastenyourseatbelt,”herepeats.
Ido,confused.“Wherearewegoing?”
“Home.”
“Whosehome?”
“Myhome.”
Myjawdrops.Imusthavemisheard.“What?”
“Youneedaplacetostay,no?”
“Yeah,but—Rocío’scouch.OrI’llcallalocksmith.Ican’tcometoyourhouse.”
“Why?”
“Because,”Isay,soundinglikeashrilltwelve-year-old.Whyishebeingsoniceallofasudden?DoeshefeelguiltyfornottellingmeabouttheNASAmess?Well,heshould.ButI’drathersleepunderabridgeandeatplanktonthangotohisplaceandseehisperfectfamilylife.Nothingpersonal,buttheenvywouldgutme.AndIcan’tmeethiswifesmellinglikedirtysocksandgraveyard.WhoknowswhatLevialreadytoldheraboutme?“Youprobablyhaveplansfortheevening.”
“Idon’t.”
“AndI’dputyouout.”
“Youwouldn’t.”
“Plus,youhateme.”
Hebrieflycloseshiseyesinexasperation,whichworriesme.He’sdriving,afterall.“Isthereanynonimaginaryreasonyoudon’twanttostayatmyplace,Bee?”heaskswithasigh.
“I…It’sveryniceofyoutooffer,butIdon’tfeelcomfortable.”
Thatgetsthroughtohim.Hishandstightenonthewheelandhesayscalmly,“Ifyoudon’tfeelsafearoundme,Iabsolutelyrespectthat.I’lldriveyoubacktoyourplace.ButI’mnotgoingtoleaveuntilI’msurethatyouhaveasecureplaceto—”
“What?No.Ifeelsafearoundyou.”AsIsayit,Irealizehowtrueitis,andhowrareforme.There’softenaconstantundercurrentofthreatwhenI’malonewithmenIdon’tknowverywell.TheothernightGuycamebymyofficetochat,andeventhoughhe’sneverbeenanythingbutnice,Icouldn’tstopglancingatthedoor.ButLevi’sdifferent,whichisodd,especiallyconsideringthatourinteractionshavealwaysbeenantagonistic.Andespeciallyconsideringthathe’sbuiltlikeaVictorianmansion.“It’snotthat.”
“Then…?”
Iclosemyeyesandletmyheadfallbackagainsttheheadrest.There’snowayI’mgoingtobeabletoavoidthis,isthere?Mightaswellleanintotheclusterfuck.
“Then,thankyou,”Isay,tryingnottosoundasdejectedasIfeel.“I’dlovetostaywithyoutonight,ifit’snottoomuchtrouble.”
???
THESECONDIseeLevi’shouseIwanttoburnitdownwithaflamethrower.Becauseit’sperfect.
Tobefair,it’satotallynormalhouse.Butitperfectlymatchesmyideal,which,tobefairagain,isnotparticularlylofty.Mylifelongdreamisaprettybrickhomeinthesuburbs,afamilywithtwopointfivechildren,andayardtogrowbutterfly-friendlyplants.I’mprettysureapsychoanalystwouldsaythatithastodowiththenomadiclifestyleofmyformativeyears.I’mastabilityslut,whatcanIsay?
Ofcourse,whenIsay“lifelongdream”Imeanuntilacoupleofyearsago.OnceIrealizedhowlife-alteringlycruelhumanscanbe,Iscrappedthefamilypartfromthedream.Thehouselingers,though,atleastaccordingtothepanginmyheartwhenLevipullsupthedriveway.FirstthingInotice:hegrowshummingbirdmintinhisgarden—nature’shummingbirdfeeder,andmyfavoriteplant.Grrr.Second:therearenocarsinthedriveway.Weird.Butsomelightsinsideareon,somaybehiswife’sisjustinthegarage.Yeah,that’sprobablyit.
Ijumpoutofthetruck—whichisunjustlytall—withalready-soremusclesandalready-itchylegs.“Areyousurethisisokay?”
HegivesmeasilentlookthatseemstomeanHaven’twebeenoverthisseventimesalready?andleadsmeuphisdriveway,wherewe’resurroundedbyadelightfulamountoffireflies.I’mexplosivelyjealousofthisplace.AndI’mabouttomeetLevi’ssignificantother,whoprobablyhasanicknameforme,herhusband’suglyformerlabmate.SomethinglikeFrankenBee.OrBeezilla.Wait,thosenicknamesareactuallyprettycute.Ihopefortheirsakethattheycameupwithsomethingmeaner.
Theinsideofthehouseissilent,andIwonderifthefamilyisalreadyasleep.“ShouldIbequiet?”Iwhisper.
Hegivesmeapuzzledlook.“Ifyouwant,”hesaysatregularvolume.Maybethewallsaresoundproof?
EitherLeviisaverystrictdad,orheandhiswifeareprosatpickingupaftertheirkid.Thehouseisimmaculateandsparselyfurnished,notoysorclutterinsight.Therearesomeengineeringjournals,ahandfulofsci-fipostersonthewalls,andanopenAsimovbookonthecoffeetable—oneofmyfavoriteauthors.HowisthismanIhatesurroundedbyeverythingIlove?It’stheultimatemindfuck.
“Therearethreeunusedbedroomsupstairs.Youcanpicktheoneyoulikebest.”Threeunusedbedrooms?Howbigisthishouse?“One’stechnicallymyoffice,butthecouchpullsout.Doyouwanttoshower?”
“Shower?”
“Ididn’tmeanto—”Helooksflustered.“Ifyouwantto.Becauseyouran.Youdon’thaveto.Idon’tmeantoimplythat—”
“ThatIsmelllikethesweatycrotchofatrout?”
“Uh…”
“ThatI’masdirtyasagasstationrestroom?”
He’sdefinitelyflustered,andIlaugh.Theblushmakeshimalmostendearing.“Don’tworry.IsmellgrossandI’dloveashower.”
Heswallowsandnods.“You’llhavetousemyensuite.Soapandtowelsareinthere.”
Butisn’thiswife—?
“Icanwashanddryyourclothesifyouwant.Giveyousomethingofmineinthemeantime.ThoughIdon’thaveanythingthatwillfit.You’revery…”Heclearshisthroat.“Small.”
Waitaminute—ishedivorced?Isthatwhyhedoesn’tweararing?Butthenhewouldn’thavepicsofhiswifeinhisoffice,wouldhe?OhmyGod,isshedead?No,Guywouldhavetoldme.Orwouldhe?
“YouhaveaniPhone,right?”Heexitsthelivingroomandcomesbackholdingoutacharger.“Hereyougo.”
Idon’ttakeit.Ijuststareupathisirritatinglyhandsomeface,and—God,thisisdrivingmenuts.“Listen,”Isay,perhapsmoreaggressivelythanIshould,“Iknowit’srude,butI’mtooweirdedoutnotto,soI’mjustgoingtoaskyourightout.”Itakeadeepbreath.“Whereisyourfamily?”
Heshrugs,stillholdingoutthecharger.“It’snotrude.MyparentsareinDallas.MyeldestbrotherlivesontheAirForcebaseinVegas,andtheotherrecentlydeployedtoBelgium—”
“Notthatfamily.Yourotherfamily.”
Hisheadtilts.“Doesmyfatherhaveasecretfamilyyouwanttotellmeabout,or…?”
“No.Yourkid,whereisshe?”
“Mywhat?”Hesquintsatme.
“There’sapictureofherinyouroffice,”Isayweakly.“AndGuytoldmeyoutwobabysittogether.”
“Ah.”Heshakeshisheadwithasmile.“Penny’snotmykid.Butshegavemethatpicture.Shemadetheframeinschool.”
She’snothis—Oh.“You’rewithhermother,then?”
“No.LilyandIdatedbrieflyagesago,butnowwe’refriends.She’sateacher,andasinglemotherforthepastyear.SometimesI’llwatchPennyforher,ordropheroffatschoolifshe’srunninglate.Stufflikethat.”
Oh.“Oh.”Boy,doIlovefeelinglikeanidiot.“Soyoulive…alone?”
Henods.Andthenhiseyeswidenandhetakesastepback.“Oh.Isee.”
“Seewhat?”
“Whyyouasked.I’msorry,Ididn’teventhinkthatyoumightfeelunsafesleepinghereifit’sjustthetwoofus.Iwill—”
“Oh,no.”Itakeastepforwardtoreassurehim.“IaskedbecauseIwascurious.Honestly,itseemedincrediblyweirdtomethatyou—”IrealizewhatI’mabouttosayandsnapmyjawshutbeforeIcontinue.Levi’snotfooled.
“Wereyoushockedthatsomeonewouldmarryme?”heasks,bitingbackasmile
Yup.“Notatall!You’resmart.And,um,tall.Stillhaveallyourhair.AndI’msurethatwithwomenyoudon’thateyou’renicerthanyouhavehistoricallybeenwithme!”
“Bee,Idon’t—”Heexhaleshard.“Getinthetruck.”
“Why?”
“I’mdrivingyoubacktothecemeteryandfeedingyoutothecoyotes.”
“Historically,”Ihurrytosay.“You’vebeennicetometoday!Yousavedmefromazombieattack,forsure.AndfromFredandMark!”
Hefrowns.“I’mnotsurewhat’swrongwiththem.”
“Lotsofmisogyny’smyguess.”Idebatewhethercontinuing.ThenIthink:fuckit.“Also,itdoesn’thelpthatyourteamisexclusivelymaleandalmostexclusivelywhite.”
Iexpecthimtocontradictme.Insteadhesays,“You’reright.It’sappalling.”
“Youchosethemembers.”
Heshakeshishead.“Iinheritedtheteamfrommypredecessor.”
“Oh?”
“TheonlynewhireImadewasKaylee.”Hesighs.“IofficiallyreprimandedMark.Hisbehaviortodayisinhisfile.AndIcalledateammeetingthisafternoon,inwhichIreiteratedthatyouareco-leaderandthatwhatyousaygoes.Ifanythingliketodayeverhappensagain,letmeknow.I’lldealwithit.Come,I’llfindyousomethingtowear.”
I’malittleshell-shockedthathecalledameetingtoofficiallySausageReference?me,soIfollowhimwithoutquestions.Theupstairsareaisjustasprettyasthefirstfloor,butwithmorepersonality.IspotavinylplayerandCDs,picturesonthewalls,evensomePittswagIrecognizefrommyownapartment.Hisbedroom,though…hisbedroomismagic.Somethingoutofacatalog.It’sacornerroomwithtwolargewindows,woodenfurniture,ceiling-highbookshelves,and,inthemiddleoftheking-sizedbed,sleepingsoftlyontopofthecomforter…
“Areyouallergictocats?”heasks,rummagingthroughadrawer.
Ishakemyhead,thenrememberthathe’snotlookingatme.“No.”
“Schr?dinger’sprobablygoingtoleaveyoualone,anyway.He’soldandgrumpy.”
Schr?dinger!“Ithoughtyouhatedcats.”
Heturnswithaconfusedlook.“Why?”
“Idon’tknow.Youseemedabithostiletowardmycattoday.”
“Youmean,yourcatthatdoesn’texist?”
“Félicetteexists!Ihaveliterallywipedboogersfromhereyes,so—”
“Félicette?”
Ipressmylipstogether.“It’sthenameofthefirstcatinspace.”
Heliftsoneeyebrow.“Andyounamedyourimaginarycatafterher.Isee.”
Irollmyeyesanddropthetopic.There’snothingIwantmorethantopettheblackballoffurcurledonthebed,butLevi’sholdingoutawhiteV-neckT-shirtand…
“HowoffendedwouldyoubeifIofferedyouboxersafriendgavemeasajoke?They’reverysmall,Idon’tthinkI’veeverwornthem.”
“Isthat…flamingoes?”
Hischeeksredden.“Thesizeisn’ttheonlyreasonIneverwearthem.Also,youmightwantthis.”It’satubeofitch-reliefcream.
“Thanks.Howdidyouknow?”
Heshrugs,stillalittleflushed.“You’vebeenscratchingyourlegsalot.”
“Yeah,bugsloveme.”Irollmyeyes.“Myexusedtosaythatheonlykeptmearoundasadecoyformosquitos.”LookingbacktoTim’sbehaviors,itprobablywasn’tevenajoke.
TenminuteslaterImakemywaydownstairs,hairwetandpinescented,reflectingthatoutofalltheimplausiblerollercoastersofeventsthathavebefallenmeinthepastweeks,theweirdestisknowingthatLeviandIusethesamedeodorant.WhatcanIsay?Men’sproductsarecheaper,smellbetter,andblockmyBOmoreeffectively.NotsurehowIfeelaboutthefactthatLevi’sarmpitsandminehavesimilarneeds,butI’mgoingtoletthatslide.
Thekitchen,whichiscozyandsurprisinglywell-equipped,smellslikethemostdeliciousmealI’veneverhad.Leviworksatthestove,hisbacktome,andI’mreasonablysurethathe’swearingthesameshirtIhaveoninadifferentcolor.Exceptthatitfitshimperfectly.Onmeitlookslikeacircustent
“Foodwillbe…”hestarts,andthenstopswhenheturnsaroundandseesmeintheroom.
Igrabtwofistfulsofmyshirtandpretendtocurtsy.“Thankyouforthisgown,mygoodsir.”
“You’re…”Hesoundshoarse.“You’rewelcome.Foodwillbereadyinfiveminutes.”
Iwinceasheturnsbacktothepansandpots.There’snowayhecookedwithoutmeatanddairy.God,whyishebeingsodamnnice?“Thankyou,but…”Ipadtothestove.He’smakingtacos.Ugh.Ilovetacos.“Youdidn’thaveto.”
“Iwasgoingtomakemyselfdinneranyway.”
“It’sreallykindofyoutooffer,butIdoubtIcaneat…”Istopwhenmyeyesfalltothefilling.It’snotmeat,butportobellomushrooms.Besideajarofdairy-freesourcream,andabagofshreddedplant-basedcheddar.
Myeyesnarrow.Onimpulse,Ipushonmytoesandopenthecabinetclosesttome.Ifindquinoa,agarpowder,andmaplesyrup.Inthenextonetherearenuts,seeds,apackageofdates.Iscowlharderandmovetothefridge,whichlookslikearicher,betterversionofmine.Almondmilk,tofu,fruitsandvegetables,coconut-basedyogurts,misopaste.OhmyGod.
Oh.My.God.
“He’savegan,”Imuttertomyself.
“Heis.”
Ilookup.Leviisstaringatmewithapuzzled,patientexpression,andIhavenoideahowtotellhimthatthisis,like,thetenththingwehaveincommon.Sci-fiandcatsandscienceandobviouslymen’sdeodorantsandwhoknowswhatelse.It’ssoincrediblyupsettingtome,Ican’tevenimaginehowmuchhe’dhateitifheknew.Itoywiththeideaoftellinghim,buthedoesn’tdeserveit.He’sbeenverynicetoday.InsteadIjustclearmythroat.“Um,metoo.”
“Ifigured.Whenyou…scoldedme.Aboutthedonut.”
“Oh,God.I’dforgottenaboutthat.”Iburymyfaceinmyhands.“I’msorry.Sosorry.Believeitornot,I’musuallynotaderangedassholewhoscareshercolleaguesawayfromplant-basedproducts.”
“It’sfine.”
Imassagemytemple.“Inmydefense,youdrivetheleastenvironmentallyfriendlyvehicle.”
“It’saFordF-150.Prettyfriendly,actually.”
“Isit?”Iwince.“Well,inanotherdefenseofmine,weren’tyouahunterbackingradschool?”
Hisshouldersstiffenimperceptibly.“Myentirefamilyhunts,andI’vegoneonmorehuntingtripsthanI’dhavelikedasateen.BeforeIcouldsayno.”
“Thatsoundsawful.”Heshrugs,butitlooksalittleforced.“Okay.IguessIhavenodefenseatall.I’mjustanasshole.”
Hesmiles.“Ididn’tknowyouwereavegan,either.IrememberTimbringingyoumeatlunchesbackatPitt.”
“Yeah.”Irollmyeyes.“TimwasoftheschoolofthoughtthatIwasbeingstubbornandthatatasteofmeatwouldconvertmebacktoaregulardiet.”IlaughatLevi’sappalledexpression.“Yeah.He’dsneaknon-veganstuffintomyfoodallthetime.Hewastheworstbackthen.Anyway,howlonghaveyoubeenavegan?”
“Twentyyears,giveortake.”
“Ooh.Whichanimalwasitforyou?”
HeknowsexactlywhatImean.“Agoat.Inacheesecommercial.Shelookedso…cogent.”
Inodsomberly.“Itmusthavebeenveryemotional.”
“Surewasformyparents.Wefoughtoverwhetherwhitemeatisreallymeatforthebetterpartofadecade.”Hehandsmeaplate,gesturingformetofillit.“Whataboutyou?”
“Achicken.Reallycute.He’dsometimessitnexttomeandleanagainstmyside.Until…yeah.”
Hesighs.“Yeah.”
Fiveminuteslater,sittinginabreakfastnookI’dliterallygivemypinkietoown,platesfullofdeliciousfoodandimportedbeerinfrontofus,somethingoccurstome:I’vebeenhereforonehourandIhaven’tfeltuneasy—notonce.Iwasfullyreadytospendthenightpretendingtobeinmyhappyplace(withDr.CurieunderabloomingcherrytreeinNara,Japan),butLevihasmadethingsweirdly…easyforme.
“Hey,”Isaybeforehecantakeabiteofhistacos,“thankyoufortoday.Itcan’tbeeasy,tobesowelcomingtosomeoneyoudon’tparticularlygetalongwithorlike,ortohavethemstayinyourhouse.”
Hecloseshiseyes,likeeveryothertimeImentiontheobviousfactthatthere’snolovelostbetweenus(heissurprisinglytruth-averse).Butwhenheopensthem,heholdsmygaze.“You’reright.It’snoteasy.Butnotforanyreasonyouthink.”
Ifrown,meaningtoaskhimwhatexactlyhemeansbythat,buthebeatsmetoit.
“Eatup,Bee,”heordersgently.
I’mstarving,soIdojustthat.10
DORSOLATERALPREFRONTALCORTEX:UNTRUTHS
“I’MGOINGTOswitchoffyourspeechcenter,now.”
Guylooksupfromunderhiseyelasheswithadefeatedsigh.“Man,Ihateitwhenpeopledothat.”
Ilaugh.Guy’sthethirdastronautI’vetestedthismorning.HeworksonBLINK,soweweren’toriginallyplanningtomaphisbrain,butsomeonepulledoutofthepilotgrouplastminute.Brainstimulationistrickybusiness:it’scomplicatedtopredicthowneuronswillrespond,andevenharderinpeoplewhohaveahistoryofepilepsyorelectricmisfiring.Justdrinkingacupofstrongcoffeecanmessupbrainchemistryenoughtomakeawell-consolidatedstimulationprotocoldangerous.Whenwefoundoutthatoneoftheastronautsweselectedhadahistoryofseizures,wedecidedtogivehisspottoGuy.Guywasecstatic
“I’mgoingtotargetyourBroca’sarea,”Itellhim.
“Ah,yes.ThefamedBroca’sarea.”Henodsknowingly.
Ismile.“Thatwouldbeyourleftposterior-inferiorfrontalgyrus.I’llstimulateitwithtrainsuptotwenty-fivehertz.”
“Withoutevenbuyingmedinnerfirst?”Hecluckshistongue.
“Toseewhetherit’sworking,I’llneedyoutotalk.Youcanreciteapoem,free-styleit,doesn’tmatter.”TheotherastronautsItestedtodaychoseaShakespearesonnetandthePledgeofAllegiance.
“WhateverIwant?”
Ipositionthestimulationcoiloneinchfromhisear.“Yep.”
“Verywell,then.”Heclearshisthroat.“MylonelinessiskillingmeandI,ImustconfessIstillbelieve—”
Ilaugh,likeeveryoneelseintheroom.IncludingLevi,whoappearstobefairlyclosetoGuy.Itspeakshighlyofhim(Guy,notLevi;IrefusetospeakhighlyofLevi),consideringheprobablyshouldhavebeenBLINK’sleader.Guydoesn’tseemtomind,atleastjudgingbythechummychattheyhadoversomesportsballgame’slineupwhileIwassettingupmyequipment.
“…mylonelinessiskillingmeandI,Imustc—”Guyfrowns.“Sorry,Imustc—”Hefrownsharder.“Mustc—”hesputtersonelasttime,blinkingfast.IturntoRocío,who’stakingnotes.“SpeecharrestatMNIcoordinatesminusthirty-eight,sixteen,fifty.”
Theensuingapplauseisunnecessary,butatinybitwelcome.Earlierthismorning,whentheentireengineeringteamdraggedtheirfeettotheneurostimulationlabtoobservemyfirstbrainmappingsession,itwasobviousthatthey’dratherbeprettymuchanywhereelse.ItwasequallyobviousthatLevihadinstructedthemnottosaysomuchasapeepabouttheirtotallackofinterest.
They’regoodguys.Theytriedtofakeit.Sadly,there’sareasonthatinhighschool,engineerstendtogravitatetowardtheroboticsshopinsteadofdramaclub.
Thankfully,neurosciencehasawayofdefendingherownhonor.Ijusthadtopickupmycoilandshowafewtricks.Withstimulationattherightspotandfrequency,decoratedastronautswithIQswellintothetripledigitsanddrawersfullofgraduatediplomascantemporarilyforgethowtocount(“Woah!Isthatforreal?”),ormovetheirfingers(“Freaky!”),orrecognizethefacesofpeopletheyworkwitheveryday(“Bee,howareyouevendoingthat?”),and,ofcourse,howtospeak(“ThisisthecoolestthingI’veeverseeninmyentiredamnlife.”).Brainstimulationkicksass,andanyonewhosaysotherwiseshallknowherwrath.Whichiswhythelabisstillcrammed.Theengineersweresupposedtoleaveafterthefirstdemonstrationbutdecidedtostickaround…indefinitely,itseems.
It’snicetoconvertabunchofskepticstothewondersofneuroscience.IwonderifDr.Curiefeltthesamewhenshesharedherloveforionizingradiation.Ofcourseinhercase,long-termunshieldedexposuretounstableisotopeseventuallyledtochronicaplasticanemiaanddeathinasanatorium,but…yougetmypoint.WhichisthatwhenIsay,“IthinkIgotallIneedfromGuy.We’redonefortoday,”theroomeruptsintoadisappointedgroan.LeviandIexchangeanamusedlook.
Tobeclear:we’renotfriendsoranything.Onedinnertogether,onenightsleepinginaroomthathappenstocontainthree-quartersofmyfavoritebooks,andoneyawnycarridetoNoahMoore’sgrave,duringwhichhepolitelyrespectedthatI’mnotamorningpersonandremainedblissfullyquiet,didnotmakeLeviandmefriends.Westilldislikeeachother,ruethedaywemet,wishthepoxontheother’shouse,etc.,etc.Butit’slikelastweek,overvegantacos,wemanagedtoformanuneasy,rudimentaryalliance.Ihelphimdohisthing,andhehelpsmedomine.
Italmostfeelslikewe’reactuallycollaborating.Crazy,huh?
Forlunch,Iheatupmyever-so-sadLeanCuisine,grabastackofacademicarticlesI’vebeenmeaningtoread,andmakemywaytothepicnictablesbehindthebuilding.I’vebeennibblingonchickpeasforaboutfiveminuteswhenIhearafamiliarvoice.
“Bee!”GuyandLeviarewalkingtowardme,holdingpapercupsandsandwichbags.“Mindifwejoinyou?”Guyasks.
Idoalittle,sincethispaperonelectrotherapyisn’tgoingtoreaditself,butIshakemyhead.IshootLevianapologeticlook(Sorryyou’restuckeatingwithmebecauseGuydoesn’tknowthatwe’rearchenemies),buthedoesn’tseemtogetitandtakesaseatacrossfromme,smilingfaintlyasthoughhedoesn’tmind.Iwatchtheplayofmusclesunderhisshirt,andafrissonofwarmthlicksdownmyspine.
Hmm.Weird.
Guysitsnexttomewithagrin,andIthinktomyself,notforthefirsttime,thathe’swholesome,charming,andtrulyaCuteGuy?.
Thisisincrediblyobjectifyingandreductive,andifyoutellanyoneI’llflatlydenyit,butbackingradschoolAnnietoldmethattherearethreetypesofattractivemen.Idon’tknowifshecameupwiththistaxonomyherself,ifAphroditeannouncedittoherinadream,orifshestoleitfromTeenVogue,butheretheyare:
Thereisthecutetype,whichconsistsofguyswhoareattractiveinanonthreatening,accessibleway,asacombinationoftheirnicelooksandcaptivatingpersonalities.Timfallsintothisgroup,justlikeGuyandmostmalescientists—including,Isuspect,PierreCurie.Cometothinkofit,alltheguyswhoeverhitonmedo,perhapsbecauseI’m
Thenthere’sthehandsometype.AccordingtoAnnie,thiscategoryisabitofawaste.TheHandsomeGuy?hasthekindoffaceyouseeinmovietrailersandperfumeads,geometricallyperfectandobjectivelyamazing,butthere’ssomethinginaccessibleabouthim.Thoseguysaresodreamy,they’realmostabstract.Theyneedsomethingtoanchorthemtoreality—apersonalityquirk,aflaw,acircumscribedinterest—otherwisethey’llfloatawayinabubbleofboredom.Ofcourse,societydoesn’texactlyencourageHandsomeGuys?todevelopbrilliantpersonalities,soItendtoconcurwithAnnie:they’reuseless.
Lastbutnotleast,theSexyGuys?.AnniewouldgoonandonabouthowLeviistheepitomeoftheSexyGuy?,butI’dliketoformallyobject.Infact,Idon’tevenacknowledgetheexistenceofthiscategory.It’spreposterous,theideathattherearemenyoucan’thelpyourselffrombeingattractedto.Menwhogiveyouthetingles,menyoucan’tstopthinkingabout,menwhopopupinyourbrainlikeflashesoflightafterstimulationoftheoccipitalcortex.Menwhoarephysical,elemental,primordial.Masculine.Present.Solid.Soundsfake,right?
“Hitme,”GuytellsmewithaCuteGuy?smile.“What’swrongwithmybrain?”
“Nothing,asfarasIcantell.”
“Amazingnews.Couldyouhelpmeconvincemyex-wifethatI’mcertifiablysane?”
“I’llwriteyouanote.”
“Nice.”Hewinksatme.Hewinksatmealot,I’mnoticing.“So,howareyoulikingHouston?”
“Ihaven’treallyseenmuchyet.BesidestheSpaceCenter.”
“Andacemetery,”Leviinterjects.Igivehimadirtylookandstealaclusterofhisgrapesinrevenge.Heletsmewithasmallsmile.
“Icouldhelpyouout,”Guyoffers.
“Sure,”Isaydistractedly,busyglaringatLeviandmakingashowofchewingonhisgrapes.
“Really?”
“Uh-huh.”
Leviliftsoneeyebrowandbitesintohissandwich.Itfeelsalotlikeachallenge,soIstealastrawberry,too.
“Maybewecouldgotodinner,”Guysays.“Areyoufreetomorrownight?”
LeviandIinstantlyturntowardhim.Imentallyrewindtheconversation,tryingtorecallwhatIagreedto.Adate?ExploringHouston?Marriage?
No.No,no,no.Ihavezerointerestindating,zerointerestinGuy,andsubzerointerestindatingGuy.YouknowwhatIdohave?Weird,intrusivethoughts.Forinstance,I’mcurrentlyrememberingthewayLevi’shandsfeltaroundmywaistasheslidmedownhisbody.“Um,I…”
“Orthisweekend?”
“Oh.”IgiveLeviapanickedglance.Help.Pleasehelp.“Thanks,um,butactuallyI…”
“Justnamethenight.I’mflexibleand—”
“Guy,”Levisays,voicedeepandlow.“Youmightwanttotakealookatherlefthand.”
Iglancedown,confused.Myfingersarestillclutchingthestrawberry.Whatdoeshe—Oh.Mygrandmother’sweddingring.Iputitonthismorning.Somegoodluckforthebrainmappingsessions.
“Shit,I’msorry,”Guyimmediatelyapologizes.“Ihadnoideathatyou—”
“Oh,it’sfine.I’mnot…”Married,Iwanttosay,butitwouldbeawasteoftheamazingoutLevigaveme.Icough.“I’mnotbothered.”
“Okay.Myapologies,again.”HeleanstowardLevi,askingwithaconspiratorialtone,“Outofcuriosity,howbig’sherhusband?Andhowpronetoviolentrage?”
“Oh,no.”Ishakemyhead.“Hedoesn’treally…”exist.
“Don’tworry,”LevitellsGuy.“Tim’smildmannered.”
Iface-palminternally.Ican’tbelieveLevitoldGuythatI’mmarriedtoTim.It’stheworst,mosteasilydisprovablelieever.Couldn’themakeuparandomdude?
“ShouldIstillgetagroinprotectioncup?”Guyasks.
Levishrugs.“Mightbesafest.”
Ilookdownatmychickpeas,wishingtheywereLevi’slunch.Fruit’ssomuchbetter.Believableliesaresomuchbetter.
“Yousureyou’renotmad,Bee?”Guyasks,atouchconcerned.“Ididn’tmeantomakeyouuncomfortable.”
ThisiswhatIgetforaskingTheWardassforhelp.IgiveLevithestinkeye,snatchanotherstrawberry,andsigh.“Nope.Notmadatall.”
???
REIKE:Whatdoyoumean,Leviliedandsaidyou’remarriedtoTim???
BEE:HesawhowflusteredIwasandtriedtohelpmeout.
REIKE:First:GuyFierihasnobusinessputtingyouinthatposition.
BEE:NOThisname!
BEE:Butvalidpoint.
REIKE:Second:thisisaterriblelie,easilyrefutableifGuyFieritalkswithliterallyanyoneelsewhoknowsyou.It’sgoingtobiteyouintheass.
BEE:Iamaware.
REIKE:Third:Levidoesknowyou’renotmarriedtoTim,right?
BEE:Yeah.HeandTimarebuds,theycollaborate.LeviwastheonewhotoldTimtofindsomeonebetterbackingradschool
REIKE:Honestly,youshouldhavejusttoldGuyFierino.Youscrewedup.
BEE:Iknowbutyou’remysisterandI’mhumanINEEDLOVEANDCOMPASSIONNOTJUDGMENT
REIKE:Youneedafullpsychiatricevaluation.
REIKE:But
Isiponablueberrysmoothieandlookaroundthebusycoffeeshop,waitingforRocíotoshowupforourfirstGREtutoringsession.
It’sprobablygoingtobefine.Mymaritallife(orlackthereof)isunlikelytocomeupwithGuy.AndIhaveotherthingstothinkabout.LikethestimulationprotocolsI’mcreating.Orincomeinequality.OrthefactthatIhaven’tseenFélicetteinawhile,butIthinkshe’sbeeneatingthelittletreatsIleftforherinmyoffice.Importantstuff.
“Didyouknow,”Rocíogreetsme,slidingintothechairacrossfromme,“thatbloodistheperfectsubstituteforeggs?”Iblink.Shetakesitasaninvitationtocontinue.“Sixty-fivegramsperegg.Exceedinglysimilarproteincomposition.”
“…Interesting.”Not.
“Youcouldhavebloodcake.Bloodicecream.Bloodmeringues.Bloodpappardelle.Bloodpoundcake.Bloodomeletor,ifyouprefer,scrambledblood.Bloodtiramisu.Bloodquiche—”
“IthinkIgotthegist.”
“Good.”Shesmiles.“Iwantedtoletyouknow.Justincasebloodisvegan.”
Iopenmymouthtopointoutseveralthings,butsettleon,“Thankyou,Ro.Verythoughtfulofyou.Why’syourhairwet?Pleasedon’tsay‘blood.’?”
“Iwenttothegym.IliketochannelOpheliainthelazyriver,pretendI’mdrowninginaDanishbrookafteraflimsywillowbranchcollapsedundermyweight.”
“Whatwasshedoingonawillow?”
“Shewasmad.Forlove.”Rocíoglaresatme.“Andtheysayawoman’sheartisfickle.”
Right.“Soundslikeanicepool.”
“It’slikeaSirJohnEverettMillaispainting.Exceptthatswimcapsaremandatoryandmedievaldressesforbidden.Fascists.”
“Hmm.MaybeIshouldbuythemembershipafterall.”
“Youdon’tneedto,it’sfreeforNASAemployees.”
“Butnotforcontractors,right?”
“Theydidn’tmakemepay.”SheshrugsandpullsaGREprepbookoutofherbackpack.“Canwestartwithquantitativereasoning?ThoughparallelogramsmakemewanttodrownmyselfinaDanishbrook.Again.”
Halfanhourlater,thereasonmyintelligent,math-savvy,articulateRAhasbeenscoringsopoorlyontheGREbecomesunmistakablyclear:thistestistoodumbforher.Inrelatednews:we’reabouttomurdereachother.
“ThecorrectanswerisB,”Irepeat,seriouslyconsideringrippingapageoffthebookandstuffingitintohermouth.“Youdon’tneedtosolveforotheroptions.Xisafactorofysquared—”
“You’reassumingthatXisaninteger.Whatifit’sarationalnumber?Arealnumber?Or,evenworse,anirrationalnumber?”
“IguaranteeyouthatXisnotanirrationalnumber,”Ihiss.
“Howdoyouknow?”shegrowls.
“Commonsense!”
“Commonsenseisforpeoplewhoarenotsmartenoughtosolveforpi.”
“Areyouimplyingthat—”
“Hey,girls!”
“What?”webarkinunison.Kayleeblinksatusfromaboveaverypinkdrink.
“Ididn’tmeantointerrupt—”
“No,no.”Ismilereassuringly.“Sorry,wegotcarriedaway.We’rehavingsome…issues.”She’swearingapurplejumpsuitandheart-shapedsunglasses,andherhairispulledoverhershoulderintoafishtailbraidthatreachesherribcage.Herpurseisshapedlikeawatermelon,andhernecklaceisapinkflowerwiththeletterKinitsmiddle.
Iwanttobeher.
“Aw.”Shetiltsherhead.“CanIhelp?”Thereissomethingearnestaboutthewaysheasks,likesheactuallycares.
IignoreRocío’skicksunderthetableandaskKaylee,“WouldyouliketojoinusinfightingthehegemonyoftheGraduateRecordExamination?”
I’mnotsurewhatreactionIexpected,butKayleehuffing,eye-rolling,andpullingachairuptoourtablewasnotit.“It’sanindignity.GRE,SATs,allthesetestsareinstitutionalizedgatekeepers,andtheextenttowhichgraduateprogramsover-relyonthemforstudentadmissionisobscene.Wearetwodecadesintothetwenty-firstcentury,butwe’restillusingatestbasedonaconceptualizationofintelligencethat’saboutasoutdatedastheTriassic.GraduateschoolsuccessdependsonqualitiesthatarenotmeasuredbytheGRE—weallknowit.Whyaren’twemovingtowardaholisticapproachtograduateadmission?Also,theGREcostshundredsofdollars!Whohasthefinancialsolubilityforthat?Orfortheprepcourses,thematerials,thetutors?Letmetellyouwhodoesn’t:not-richpeople.”Shewagsherfingeratme,preciseandwildlygraceful.Iammesmerized.“Youknowwhotraditionallydoespoorlyonstandardizedtests?Womenandmarginalizedindividuals.It’saself-fulfillingprophecy:groupsthatareconstantlytoldbysocietythatthey’relesssmartwalkintoatestingsituationanxiousashellandendupunderperforming.It’scalledStereotypeThreat,andthere’stonsofliteratureonthat.Justlikethere’stonsofliteratureshowingthattheGREdoesaterriblejobatpredictingwho’llfinishgradschool.Buttheheadsofgraduateadmissionalloverthecountrydon’tcareandpersistinusinganinstrumentmadetoelevaterichwhitemen.”Sheshakesoutherhair.“Burnitdown,Isay.”
“Burn…whatdown?”
“Allofit,”Kayleesaysfiercelywithherhigh-pitchedvoice.Thenshesucksadelicatesipfromherstraw.Ireallywanttobeher.
IglanceatRocíoanddoadoubletake.She’sstaringatKaylee,breathingquickly,lipspartedandcheeksflushed.Herrighthandclutchestheprepbooklikeit’stheedgeofaravine.“Youokay,Ro?”Iaskher.Shenodswithoutbreakingherstare.
“Anyway,”Kayleecontinueswithashrug,“whyarewetalkingabouttheGRE?”
“Rocíoistakingit,andIwashelpingherout.With”—Iclearmythroat—“mixedresults.Ibelievewewereabouttoshankeachotheroverirrationalnumbers?”
“Soundsaboutright,”Rocíomumbles.
“Oh”—Kayleewavesherhandairily—“youshouldn’tbetalkingaboutirrationalnumbers.ThethingabouttheGREis,thelessyouknowthebetteroffyouare.”IgiveRocíomybesttoldyousolook.Shekicksmeagain.“Ifyoutakeaprepclass,theyteachyoulittletricksusefultopassthetest—moresothanactuallyknowingmath.”
“You’vetakentheGRE?”Rocíoasks.
“Yep.Thismanagerthingisatemporarygig—I’mstartingmyPh.D.ineducationinthefall.AtJohnsHopkins.”
Rocíofrowns.“You’re…goingtoJohnsHopkins?”
“Yes!”Kayleenodshappily.“Myparentspaidforaprepcourse,andIhavetonsofnotes.PlusIremembermostofit.Whydon’tIhelpyou?”
Rocíoturnstomewithanaghastlookthatalmostmakesmelaugh.Almost.Instead,Igrabmysmoothieandstand.“It’ssolovelyofyoutooffer.”Rocíotriestokickmeagain,butIslitheraway.“I’mgoingtocheckoutthegymattheSpaceCenter.Rocíosaidthatitmightbefree.”
“Itis.Levihadmechangeyourstatustheotherday.”
“Whosestatus?”
“Yours.AndRocío’s.”Shewinks.“Iswitchedyoutoteammembersinthesystem,soyoucangetsomeoftheperks.”
“Oh,thankyou.Thatwasvery—”Unexpected?Outofcharacter?Somethingyoumusthavemadeuponthespotbecausewhywouldhedothat?“—generous.”
“Levi’sawesome.BestbossIeverhad.HeharassedNASAintogivingmehealthinsurance!”ShesmilesandturnstoRocío,wholooksreadytodrownherselfinaDanishbrook.Again.“Wheredidyouwanttostart?”
RocíoincineratesmewithhereyesasIwavegoodbye.Honestly,she’sinexcellenthands.Doesn’tevendeserveit.Onthesidewalk,Itakeoutmyphoneandquicklytypeupatweet.
@WhatWouldMarieDo…ifoneofthemajorobstaclespreventingaccesstohighereducationweretheGRE,atestthatis1)expensive2)poorlypredictiveofoverallgraduateschoolsuccess,and3)biasedagainstindividualswhoarelower-income,BIPOC,andnon-cis-males?
Islipmyphoneintomypocket,andmythoughtsgobacktothegym.Leviprobablyjustwantsmetobeabletouseitsohedoesn’thavetoretrievemefromadifferentcemeteryeveryweek.Can’tblamehim,honestly.
Yeah.Thatmustbeit.11
NUCLEUSACCUMBENS:GAMBLING
“LEVI?COULDYOUsendmethenewest—”
“Blueprintsareontheserver,”hemumblesaroundtheminiaturescrewdriverhe’sholdingbetweenhisteeth.Hedoesn’tlookupfromthemoundofwiresandplateshe’sworkingon.
It’spastnineonaFriday.Everyoneelsehasleft.We’realoneintheengineeringlab,likemostnightsthisweek,inwhatI’vecometothinkofasourHostileCompanionableSilence?.It’sverysimilartoothertypesofsilence,exceptthatIknowthatLevidoesn’tlikeme,andLeviknowsthatIknowhedoesn’tlikemeandthatIdon’tlikehiminreturn.Buthedoesn’tbringitup,andIdon’treallythinkaboutit.Becausewehavenoreasonto.
So,yeah.OurHostileCompanionableSilence?isbasicallyaregularcompanionablesilence.Wesitfacingeachotheratdifferentworkbenches.Wedimthelightstoseetheshapesoftheoutsidetrees.Wefocusonourrespectivetasks.Everyonceinawhile,weexchangecomments,thoughts,doubtsregardingBLINK.Wecoulddothesamefromourrespectiveoffices,butlookingupfrommylaptopandverballyaskingaquestionbeatswritingitoutinanemail.Typingout,Hey,LeviandBest,Beeissuchapain.
Plus,Levipackssnacks.Hebringsthemtoworkforhimself,buthe’slousyatgaugingportionsandalwaysmakestoomuch.SofarI’vehadhomemadetrailmix,guacandsaltines,ricecakes,popcorn,pitachipsandbeandip,andaboutfourkindsofenergyballs.
Yes,he’sabettercookthanI’lleverbe.
No,I’mnottooproudtoaccepthisfood.I’mnottooproudtoacceptanyone’sfood.
Plus,I’vebeeninHoustonforamonth,andwe’realreadyclosetoaworkingversionoftheprototype.Ideservesomecelebratoryface-stuffing.
“Theoldblueprintisontheserver,notthenewone.”
Hetakesthescrewdriveroutofhismouth.“Itis.Iputitthere.”
“That’snotthecorrectfile.”
Helooksup.“Couldyoucheckagain,please?”
Irollmyeyesandsighheavily,butIcomply.Becausetodayhemadedarkchocolateandpeanutbutterenergyballs,andtheywerelife-shatteringlygood.“Done.Stillnothere.”
“Areyousure?”
“Yes.”
“Ithastobethere.”Hegivesmeanimpatientlook,likeI’mpullinghimawayfromthecrucialtaskofsecuringthecountry’snuclearcodes.
“It’snot.Doyouwanttobetsomethingonit?”
“Whatwouldyouliketobet?”
“Let’ssee.”HisfacewhenhefindsthatI’mrightisgoingtobebetterthansex.BetterthansexwithTim,forsure.“Amilliondollars.”
“Idon’thaveamilliondollars.Doyou?”
“OfcourseIdo,I’majuniorscientist.”Hechuckles.Somethingfluttersinsideme,andIignoreit.“Let’sbetSchr?dinger.”
“I’mnotbettingmycat.”
“Becauseyouknowyou’regoingtolose.”
“No,becausemycatisseventeenandneedsregularmanualexpressionofhisanalglands.Butifyoustillwanthim…”
Imakeaface.“No,I’mgood.”Idrummyfingersonmybiceps,wonderingwhatelseLevihasthatIwant.Icouldmakehimcookformeeverydayforamonth,buthe’ssortofalreadydoingthatwithoutrealizing.Whychangesomethingthatworks?“IfIwin,yougetatattoo.”
“Ofwhat?”
“Agoat.Alive,”Iaddmagnanimously.
“Can’t.”
“Why?”
“Alreadyhaveone.”
Ilaugh.“Oh,I’vegotit!Yourmug?TheonethatsaysYodaBestEngineer?”
“Yeah?”
“Iwantone.Butitneedstosay‘neuroscientist,’ofcourse.”
Heliftsoneeyebrow.“ThisistheequivalenttosomeonebuyingtheirownWorld’sBestBossmug.Congratulations,you’reofficiallyNASA’sMichaelScott.”
“Andproudofit.Okay,”Isay,turningmycomputeraroundforhimtosee.“Deal.Comemarvelatthelackofblueprintsontheserver.”
“Wait.Whataboutme?”
“Whataboutyou?”
“WhatwillyoudoifIwin?”
“Oh.”Ishrug.“Whateveryouwant.I’mrightanyway.Wouldyoulikemyhard-earnedmilliondollars?”
“Nope.”Heshakeshishead,pensive.
“ShouldIcomeoverandexpresspoorSchr?dinger’sanalglandsforthedurationofmystayinHouston?”
“Tempting,butSchr?dinger’sintenselyprivateabouthisanus.”Hetapshismasculine,chiseledchin.Huh?WhyamIevennoticing?“IfIwin,you’regoingtosignupfora5KhereinHouston.”
Ishrug.“Sure.I’llsignupfora—”
“Andyou’regoingtorunit.”
Iburstintolaughter.“Thereisnoway.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI’mcurrentlyonstepfourofmyprogram,andstillunabletorunmorethanhalfamilewithoutcollapsing.Runninga5Ksoundsaboutaspleasantasbloodletting.Byleeches.”
“I’llrunwithyou.”
“Youmean,you’llwalknexttomewithyourseventy-mile-longlegs?”
“I’lltrainyou.”
“Oh,Levi.Levi.Yousweetsummerchild.”Ipointatmyself.TonightI’mwearinganosestud,galaxyleggings,andawhitetanktop.Mypurplehairislooseonmyshoulders.I’mprettysureoneofmybacktattoosisvisible.EverythingaboutmescreamsLevi’skryptonite.“Youseethisscrawny,stunted,unmuscledbody?It’sbuilttoliveinparasiticsymbiosiswithacouch.Itresiststrainingwiththeforceofmanymillionohms.”
Levidoesstareatmybodyforaconsiderableamountoftime,butthenhelooksaway,flushed.Poorguy.Mustbeatoughsightforhim.“Itdoesn’tmatter,doesit?Sinceyou’resurethatyou’llwin?”
“True.”Ishrug.“Deal.Cometastethebitternessofdefeat.”
Hedoescome,stalkingtomybenchinafewstrideswiththoseridiculousseventy-mile-longlegs.However,hedoesn’tstopinfrontofthelaptopIconvenientlyturnedforhim.Insteadhecirclesaroundthebench,comestostandbehindme,andthenslidesthecomputerinourdirection.Formetobetterwitnesshisimpendingmassacre,Iassume.“Ican’twaittosipyourtearsoutofmynewmug,”Imurmur.
“We’llsee.”Heleanshislefthandagainstthebenchandgrabsthemousewiththeother.Evenonmyhighstool,he’sstillmanyinchestallerthanme,effectivelycagingmeatmyseat.Itshouldfeeluneasy,suffocating,butheleavesmeenoughroomthatIdon’tmind.Plus,Iknowitdoesn’tmeananything.Becausehe’sLevi.AndI’mBee.It’sactuallyalmostpleasant,theheatheradiatesintheblastingAC.Hecouldhaveasuccessfulsecondcareerasaweightedblanket.
“Thisisweird.”Ihearthefrowninhisvoice.“Thefile’smissing.”
“Canthemugbetwentyounces?”
“Itshouldbehere.”Heleansforward,andhischinbrushesthecrownofmyhair.It’snotterrible.Sortoftheopposite.“Isavedit.”
“Maybeyoudreamtit?SometimesinthemorningsIthinkthatIgotupandbrushedmyteetheventhoughI’mstillinbed.ThoughwithmynewmugI’llbeextramotivatedtowakeupearlyandhavemycoffee.”
“Weird.”Pityhe’snotpayingattentiontomygloating.I’mdoingaprettygoodbit,ifIsaysomyself.“Look.”Hetypesquickly,theinsideofhiselbowsbrushingagainstmyupperarms,pullingupaloginterface.“See?Someone—me—savedthefileat1:16p.m.Thenat4:23someoneelseremovedit…”
Iknowimmediatelywherehe’sgoingwiththis.Itiltmyneckbacktolookupathim,andhe’salreadystaringdownfromtwoinchesabove.God,hiseyes.Heinventedanewcolorgreen.“Itwasn’tme!”Iblurtout.
“Howmuchdoyouwantmycat?”
“ConsiderablylessnowthatIknowabouthiscolorectalissues.”
“Andmymug?”
“Alot,butIswearitwasn’tme!”
Hehumsskeptically.Icanfeelhisbreathagainstmyface.Mint,withahintofpeanutbutter.“I’minclinedtobelieveyou,butonlybecausethisisnotthefirsttime.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Thefrequencieslistfortheparietalelectrodesyousentmeyesterday?Theoneyouemailedandputontheserver?Itwasn’tthere.”
Iscowl.“ButIputitthere.”
“Iknow.Theengineerscomplainedaboutmissingandmisplacedfiles,too,corruptedstuff.Lotsoflittlethings.”
“Probablyaservererror.”
“Orpeoplescrewingup.”
“Canyoutellwhomovedthefile?”
Hetypesafewmorestrokes.“Notfromthelogs.Thesystemisn’tcodedthatway.Youknowwhatitcando?”Ishakemyhead,bumpingagainstsomespotonhischest.“Itcantellmewherethefilewasmoved,andifit’sstillontheserverbutinadifferentfolder.Whichinthecaseoftheblueprintsis”—hepressesthespacebarandpullsupanimage—“righthere.”
“Oh,perfect.That’sexactlywhatIwas—”MyteethclickasIshutmymouth.“Waitaminute.”
“What5Kshouldwesignupfor?”He’sroamingtheinsideofhischeekwithhistongue.“There’susuallyaspace-themedoneinJune—”
“Noway.”Itwistaround.“Thefilewasnotwhereitwassupposedtobe.”
“Thetermsofthebetwerethatthefileshouldbeontheserver.”Hegivesmeasatisfiedsmile.“Betyou’regladIdidn’tagreetotheanalexpression.”
“YouknowImeantinaspecificfolder.”
“Howunfortunatethatyoudidn’tspecify,then.”Heputsahandonmyshoulderinmockreassurance—Iseriouslyconsiderbitingitoff—andit’sridiculous,howmucheverypartofhimdwarfseverypartofme.Alsoridiculous?Thewaythosestupidintrusivethoughtsofhisbodypressedagainstminecan’tseemtoletup.Andthathavinghimsocloseremindsmeofhisthighpushingupbetweenmylegs,solidandinsistentagainsttheseamofmy—
“Whatareyoutwodoing?”
Borisisstandingintheentranceofthelab,andmyfirstinstinctistopushawayfromLeviandscreamthatnothinghappened,nothinghappened,wewerejustworking.Butthedistancebetweenusisperfectlyappropriate.Itjustfeelslikeitisn’t,becauseLeviissolarge.Andwarm.Becausehe’sLevi.
“Wewerejustabouttosignupfora5K,”hesays.“Howareyou,Boris?”
“A5K,huh?”Hestaysunderthedoorframe,studyinguswithhiscustomarytiredexpression.“Actually,Icomebearingnews.”
“Badnews?”
“Notgood.”
“Bad,then.”
Boriscomescloser,holdingaprintout.“YouguysplanningtogotoHumanBrainImaging?”
HBIisoneofmanyacademicconferencesinneuroscience.It’snotparticularlyprestigious,butovertheyearsithascultivateda“party”reputation:ittakesplaceinfuncities,withlotsofsatelliteeventsandindustrysponsorships.It’swhereyoung,hipneuroscientistsnetworkandgetdrunktogether.
ButI’mnothip.AndLeviisnotaneuroscientist.“No,”ItellBoris.“Whereisitthisyear?”
“NewOrleans.Thiscomingweekend.”
“Fun.Youplanningongoing?”
Heshakeshisheadandholdsouttheprintout.“No.Butsomeoneis.”
“MagTech?”Levisays,readingfromabovemyshoulder.
“We’vebeenkeepingtabsonthem.ThecompanywillpresentaversionoftheirhelmetsatHBI.”
“Havetheyfiledforapatent?”
“Notyet.”
“Thengoingpublicseemslike…”
“Aless-than-intelligentmove?Ithinkthey’retryingtogetvisibilitytopullinnewinvestors.Whichisagreatopportunityforustofindoutwherethey’reat.”
“You’resuggestingwesendsomeonetoNewOrleans,havethemattendHBI,andreportbackonwhatMagTech’sprogressiscomparedtoours?”
“No.”Borissmilesforthefirsttimesincesteppinginsidetheroom.“I’morderingthetwoofyoutodothat.”
???
“IJUSTDON’TthinkthatdrivingtoNewOrleanstoplayInspectorGadgetisthebestuseofourtime,”ItellLeviashewalksmehomelikeheinsistedon(“Houstonisdangerousatnight,”“Youneverknowwho’slurkingaround,”“Eitheryouletmewalkyouhome,orIfollowtenfeetbehindyou.Yourchoice”).He’spushinghisbike,whichheapparentlyridestoworkmostdays.Hmph.Overachiever.Hishelmet,strappedtohisbelt,bouncesagainsthisthigheveryfewsteps.Thesoothingrhythmprovidesasolidbackdroptomybitching.
“We’reatleastInspectorColumbo.”
“GadgetoutranksColumbo,”Ipointout.“Don’tgetmewrong,Iseethevalueofkeepingtabsonthecompetition,butwouldn’titbebettertosendsomeoneelse?”
“NooneelseisasfamiliarwithBLINKasweare,andyou’retheonlypersonwhoknowstheneuroscience.”
“Freddidtakethatclassinundergrad.”
Levismiles.“Atleastit’sovertheweekend.Wewon’tmissworkdays.”
Iliftoneeyebrow.We’vebothworkedeverysingleweekend.“Whyareyoutakingthissowell?”
Heshrugs.“IpickmybattleswithBoriscarefully.”
“Isn’tthisworthfightingfor?We’retalkingabouttwodaysinclosequarterswiththepersonyoumostdespiseinhistory.”
“ElonMuskiscoming,too?”
“No—me.”
Hesighsheavily,rubbinghisforehead.“We’vebeenoverthis,Bee.Besides,theteamkeepsscrewingupbasicstufflikefilebackup,”headdswryly.“Iwouldn’ttrustthemwith…espionage.”Hesmileswhenhesaysthelastword,andmyheartjumps.I’minexplicablygettingCuteGuy?vibesfromhim—maybebecausewhenhe’samusedhelooksdamncute.
“Istillthinkit’snothumanerror,”Isay,tryingnottothinkaboutthingslikecuteness.
“Eitherway,I’llcallameetingwiththeengineersandscarethemintobeingmorecareful.”
“Wait.”Istopundermybuilding.“Youcan’tdothatifyou’renotsurethatit’ssomeoneontheteam.”
“I’msure.”
“Butyouhavenoproof.”Helooksatmewithapuzzledexpression.“Youdon’twanttoaccusethemofsomethingtheymightnothaveevendone,doyou?”
“Theydid.”
Ihuff,frustrated.“Whatifit’saweirdfluke?”
“It’snot.”
“Butyou—”Ipressmylipstogether.“Listen,we’reco-leaders.Weshouldmakedisciplinarydecisionstogether,whichmeansthatyoucan’taccuseanyoneofanythinguntilI’monboard,too.Andthat’snotgoingtohappenuntilIseeactualproofthatsomeoneontheteamisdoingthis.”He’slookingdownatmewithasoft,amusedexpression,asifhefindsmyirritationparticularlyendearing.Whatasadist.“Okay?”Iprompthim.
Henods.“Okay.”Heunlockshishelmetandtiesitunderhischin.Imostdefinitelydonotnoticetheflexofhisbiceps.“And,Bee?”
“Yeah?”
Hemountsthebikeandstartsridingaway.“I’llletyouknowwhich5KIsettleon.”
He’sgivingmehisback,butIfliphimoffanyway.12
VENTRALSTRIATUM:YEARNING
SHMAC:ThatGREtweetisbecomingabitofathing,huh?
Itsureis.
Ifby“bit”hemeans“alot.”Andifby“thing”hemeans“shitstorm.”
Ihavenoideahowitevenhappened.ThedayIsentthetweetIwenttobedafterreadingcommentsofpeopletalkingabouttheirnegativeexperienceswiththetest.WhenIwokeup,therewasahashtag(#FairGraduateAdmissions),anddozensofassociationsofwomenandminoritiesinSTEMhadannouncedaGREstrike,encouragingstudentstoturnintheirgradschoolapplicationswithouttheGRE.
@OliviaWeiBioIfeveryonedoesit,gradprogramswillhavenochoicebuttoevaluateusbasedonourexperiences,CV,previousefforts,andskills.Basically,whattheyshouldalreadybedoing.
HaveImentionedhowmuchIlovewomeninSTEM?BecauseIloooovewomeninSTEM.
Twohourslater,ajournalistfromTheAtlanticmessagedme,askingforaninterview.ThenCNN.ThenChronicleofHigherEd.ThenFoxNews(asif!).IpairedupwithShmactoreachanevenwideraudience,andtogetherweissuedathousand-wordessaysummarizingthelackofscientificevidencesupportingtheuseoftheGREasanadmissiontool.Iencouragednewsoutletstointerviewthewomenwhostartedthehashtag(exceptforFoxNews,whichIleftonread).Severalpeoplecameforwardandtalkedtothemediaaboutthenumberofminimum-wagehoursnecessarytoaffordthetest,abouttheirfrustrationwhenwealthierclassmateswithaccesstoprivatetutoringperformedbetter,aboutthecrushingdisappointmentofbeingrejectedbydreaminstitutionsdespiteperfectGPAsandresearchexperiencebecausetheirscoresdidn’tmeetsomearbitrarycutoffbyafewpercentagepoints.They’restilldoingtherounds,withmorepeopleopeningup.
#FairGraduateAdmissionsisamovement,andithasarealchanceatgettingridofthisstupid,unfairtest.I’vebeenallaflutter.
Youknowwhoelsehasbeenaflutter?Rocío.Whobargedintotheofficedeclaring:“Iwon’tbepreparingfortheGREanymore,insolidaritywithmybrethren.JohnsHopkinswillhavetoacknowledgehowbadassIamfrommyotherapplicationmaterials.”
Ilookedupfrommylaptopandnodded.“Isupportthat.”
“Youknowwhythisishappening,right?”Sheleanedconspiratoriallyovermydesk.“TheotherdaywetalkedabouthowshittytheGREis,andnowpeoplearerallyingagainstitbecauseMariestartedtheconversation.Itcan’tbeacoincidence.”
“Oh,”Istammered,“well,itprobablyisjustacoincidence—”
“Therearenocoincidences,”shesaid,beautifuldarkeyesstaringintomine.“Bee,webothknowwhoIowethisto.”
“Oh—I’msure—”
“LaLlorona.”Shetookherphoneoutofherpocketandshowedmepicturesofbeautifulcreeks.Hereyesshone.“I’vebeenvisitingnearbyplaceswhereshewassighted,leavinglittletokensofappreciation.”
“Tokens?”
“Yes.Tarots,poemsIwroteextollingthebeautyofthemacabre,pentagramsmadeoftwigs.Theusual.”
“The…usual.”
“Ithinkit’sherwayofsaying,‘Rocío,Irecognizeakindredspirit,perhapsevenasuccessorinyou.’?”Shesmiledatme,settingherbagonherdesk.“Iamsohappy,Bee.”
Ismiledbackandwentbacktowork,relievedthatRocíodoesn’tsuspectwho’sbehindWWMD.SometimesIwonderifDr.Curie,too,hadasecretidentityshecouldn’treveal.Period-wise,shecouldhavebeenJacktheRipper.Neversaynever,right?
MARIE:Doyouthinkwe’reactuallygoingtogetridoftheGRE?
SHMAC:We’recloserthanever,forsure.
MARIE:Agreed.Thankyouforhelpingout,bytheway.
ShmacandIhavethesamenumberoffollowersbutcompletelydifferentreaches.IhatethankingdudesforSausageReferencing?,buttruthis,thereareplentyofmaleacademicswho’dratherguzzlecurdledmilkthanengagewithWWMD.Whichisfine,becauseI’dlovenothingmorethanpouringgallonsofcurdledmilkdowntheirthroats.Still,#FairGraduateAdmissionscanuseallthesupportitcanget.
MARIE:How’sTheGirl?
SHMAC:How’sCamelDick?
MARIE:Astonishingly,we’realmostgettingalong.Ifwehaven’tcometoblowsyet,areweevencollaborating?Also,nicedeflection.TellmeaboutTheGirl.
SHMAC:Everything’sfine.
MARIE:Finehasvariabledefinitions.Narrowitdown.
SHMAC:Hownarrow?
MARIE:Very.
SHMAC:Okay.Narrowingly:thingsaregreat,intheworstpossibleway.We’vebeenworkingtogetheralotbecausethat’swhattheprojectdemands.WhichmightbewhyI’monmyfourthbeeronaThursdaynight.
MARIE:Whyisworkingtogetherbad?
SHMAC:It’sjust…Iknowthingsabouther.
MARIE:Things?
SHMAC:Iknowwhatshelovestoeat,whatshowsshewatches,whatmakesherlaugh,heropinionsonpets.Iknowherdislikes(asidefromme).I’vebeencatalogingamillionlittlequirksofhersinmyhead,andtheyareenchanting.Sheisenchanting.Smart,funny,anincrediblescientist.And…therearethings.ThingsIthinkabout.ButI’mdrunk,andthisisinappropriate.
MARIE:Iloveinappropriate.
SHMAC:Doyou?
MARIE:Sometimes.Hitme.
SHMAC:IneedyoutoknowthatI’dneverdoanythingtomakeheruncomfortable.
MARIE:Shmac,Iknowthat.Andifyoueverdid,I’dcutyourdickoffwitharustyscalpel.
SHMAC:Fair.
MARIE:Tellme.
Theclockinthekitchentickson.Late-nightcarsmakesoftnoisespastthewindow,andthescreenofmyphonegoesblack.Idon’tthinkShmacwillcontinue.Idon’tthinkhe’llopenup,anditmakesmesad.EventhoughIdon’tknowanythingabouthislife,Igettheimpressionthatifhedoesn’tdoitwithme,hewon’twithanyoneelse.Myeyesdriftclosed,accustomedtothedark,andthat’swhenmyscreenlightsupagain.
Theairrushesoutofmylungs.
SHMAC:Iknowwhatshesmellslike.Thislittlefreckleonherneckwhenshepullsupherhair.Herupperlipisalittleplumperthanthelower.Thecurveofherwrist,whensheholdsapen.It’swrong,reallywrong,butIknowtheshapeofher.Igotosleepthinkingaboutit,andthenIwakeup,gotowork,andsheisthere,andit’simpossible.ItellherstuffIknowshe’llagreeto,justtohearherhumbackatme.It’slikehotwaterdownmyfuckingspine.She’smarried.She’sbrilliant.Shetrustsme,andallIthinkaboutistakinghertomyoffice,strippingher,doingunspeakablethingstoher.AndIwanttotellher.Iwanttotellherthatshe’sluminous,she’ssobrightinmymind,sometimesIcan’tfocus.SometimesIforgetwhyIcameintotheroom.I’mdistracted.Iwanttopushheragainstawall,andIwanthertopushback.IwanttogobackintimeandpunchherstupidhusbandonthedayImethimandthentravelbacktothefutureandpunchhimagain.Iwanttobuyherflowers,food,books.Iwanttoholdherhand,andIwanttolockherinmybedroom.She’severythingIeverwantedandIwanttoinjectherintomyveinsandalsotoneverseeheragain.There’snothinglikeherandthesefeelings,theyarefuckingintolerable.Theywerehalf-asleepwhileshewasgone,butnowshe’shereandmybodythinksit’safuckingteenagerandIdon’tknowwhattodo.Idon’tknowwhattodo.ThereisnothingIcando,soI’lljust…not.
Ican’tbreathe.Ican’tmove.Ican’tevenswallowtheknotinmythroat.Imightactuallycry.Forhim.Forthisgirl,who’llneverknowthatsomeoneholdsthesemountainsofwantinside.Andmaybeforme,becauseI’vemadethechoicetoneverfeelthis,neveragain.Neverever,andIrealizenow,nowforthefirsttime,whataterriblepriceIwillpay.Whatalossitwillbe.
MARIE:Oh,Shmac.
Whatelseistheretosay?He’sinlovewithsomeonewhodoesn’tlovehimback.Whoismarried.Thisstoryhasnohappyending.AndIthinkheknows,becauseheonlyreplieswith,
SHMAC:Yeah.
???
“HEY,BEE.”
IsetasidemyarticleandsmileatLamar.“What’sup?”
“Notmuch.JustwantedtotellyouthatI’veupdatedthelogsystemontheserver.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.Nothingischangingonyourend,butnowusersremoving,replacing,ormodifyingfilesareautomaticallytracked.Ifsomething’siffy,we’llknowwho’sresponsible.”
“Great.”Ifrown.“Whydidyoudothat?”
“Becauseoftheissues.”
“Theissues?”
“Yeah.Missingfilesandallthat.Levicalledanengineeringmeetingtotearusanewoneandaskedmetochangetheservercode.”Heshrugssheepishly.“Sorryaboutthemess.”Heslipsoutofmyoffice,leavingmetostareatmyarticle.Iamstillstaringthreeminuteslaterwhensomeoneelseknocksonthedoorframe.
“What’swithyourreturnairvent?”Levi’sintheentrance,fillingitlikeLamarcouldn’tquitemanage.“It’smissingthegrille.I’llcallmaintenance—”
“No!”Iswivelaround.“It’showFélicettegetsinsideatnight.ToeatthetreatsIleaveforher!”
Heliftsoneeyebrow.“Youwantanuncoveredventbecauseyourimaginarycat—”
“She’snotimaginary.Ifoundapawprintnexttomycomputertheotherday.Itextedittoyou.”Andhereplied,LookslikeasplotchofLeanCuisine.Ihatehim.
“Right.Abouttomorrow,weshouldheadoutearlysinceNewOrleansisoverfivehoursaway.Idon’tmindpickinguptherentalanddriving.Youcansleepinthecar,butI’dliketoleavearoundsix—”
“Youcalledthemeeting.”
Hecockshishead.Awispofblackhairfallsonhisbrow.“Excuseme?”
“Youtoldtheengineersaboutthemissingfiles.”
“Ah.”Hepresseshislipstogether.“Idid.”
Istandwithoutknowingwhy.Putmyhandsonmyhips,stillnotknowingwhy.“Iaskedyounotto.”
“Bee.Itneededtobedone.”
“Weagreedthatwewouldn’tuntilwehadproof.”
Hefoldshisarmsonhischest,astubbornlinetohisshoulders.“Wedidn’tagree.Youtoldmeyoudidn’twanttocallafullmeetingaboutit,andIdidn’t.ButI’mheadoftheengineeringdivision,andIdecidedtotellmyteamabouttheissue.”
Isnort.“YourteamiseveryonebutmeandRocío.Niceloophole.”
“Whydoesitbotheryousomuch?”
“Because.”
“You’regoingtohavetobealittlemorearticulatethanthat.”
“Becauseyoudiditbehindmyback.”Ibristle.“Justlikeamonthago,whenyoudidn’ttellmeaboutNASAtryingtogetBLINKcanceled.”
“It’snotthesameatall.”
“Itisintheory.Andit’samatterofprinciple.”Ibitetheinsideofmycheek.“Ifwe’reco-leaders,weneedtoagreebeforetakingdisciplinarymeasures.”
“Nodisciplinarymeasurewastaken.Itwasafive-minutemeetinginwhichIaskedmyteamtostopmessingaroundwithimportantfiles.Irunatightship,andmyteamknowsit—noonemadeabigdealaboutthisexceptforyou.”
“Thenwhydidn’tyoutellmeyouweregoingtodoit?”
Hiseyesharden,hotanddarkandfrustrated.Hescansmyface,silent,andIfeelthetensionriseintheroom.Thisisabouttoescalate.Toafull-blownfight.He’llyellatmetomindmybusiness.I’llthrowmyLeanCuisineathim.We’llpummeleachother,peoplewillrushtoseparateus,wewillcauseaspectacle.
Buthejustsays,“I’llpickyouupatsix.”Histoneissteely.Inflexible.Cold.Sodifferentfromtheonehe’susedwithmeforthepastfiveweeks.
Iwonderwhythatis.Iwonderifhehatesme.IwonderifIhatehim.IwondersomuchthatIforgettoanswerhim,butitdoesn’tmatter.Becausehe’salreadygone.13
SUPERIORCOLLICULI:WILLYOULOOKATTHAT?
ONEHOUR,TWENTY-FOURminutes,andseventeenseconds.
Eighteen.
Nineteen.
Twenty.
That’showlongI’vebeeninthisNissanAltimathatsmellsfaintlylikelemonandfauxleatherandLevi’sdelicious,masculinescent.Andthat’showlongwe’vebeensilent.Thoroughly,wholeheartedlysilent.
It’sgoingtobeacraptasticweekend.We’regoingtoplay007whilebarelytalkingtoeachother.Iseenoflawinthisplan.
Isthismyfault?Perhaps.PerhapsIinitiatedthis—remarkablyimmature,Imustadmit—standoff,whenIdidn’tsay“Hi”backtohimthismorning.PerhapsI’mtheculprit.ButIdon’tgiveaflyingsquirrelbecauseI’mmad.SoI’mleaningintoit.I’mhoardingallofmygrievancesagainstLeviandbulkingthemupintoabig,withering,incandescentsupernovaofsilenttreatmentthat
Honestly,I’mnotsurehe’snoticed.
HedidlifthiseyebrowafterIrefusedtosay“Hi,”inmybestimpressionofaneleven-year-oldjustdonerereadingTheBaby-SittersClub.Butheshruggeditoffprettyquickly.HeputonaCD(MerdeNomsbyAPerfectCircle,andGod,hisamazingmusicaltasteislikeaknifetomyovaries)andstarteddriving.Impassible.Relaxed.
Ibethe’snoteventhinkingaboutit.Ibethedoesn’tcare.IbetI’mhere,playingnervouslywithmygrandmother’sring,sulkingtotherhythmof“Judith,”whilehe’sprobablyponderingthelawsofthermodynamicsorwhethertojointheNo-Poomovement.Whatdodudeseventhinkaboutallthetime?TheDowJones.MILFporn.Theirnextdate.
DoesLevidate?I’msurehedoes,giventhenumberofpeoplewhoseemtothinkofhimasaSexyGuy?.Hemightnotbemarried,butmaybehe’sinalong-termrelationship.Maybehe’sdeeplyinlove,likeShmac.PoorShmac.Mychesthurtsinamessy,confusingwaywhenIthinkaboutwhathesaid.AboutLevifeelingsimilarlyintense,scary,powerfulthingsforawoman.AboutLevidoingthethingsShmactalkedaboutdoingtoher.
Ishiver,wonderingwhystraymemoriesofLevipressingmeagainstawallarestillpoppingupinmyhead.Wonderingwhetherthegirlfriendhemightnotevenhavewouldbeextraordinarilyluckyortheveryopposite.WonderingwhyI’mevenwondering—
“I’msorry.”
IturnsofastIpullamuscle.“What?”
“I’msorry.”
“Forwhat?”Imassagemyneck.
Hestaresattheroadandliftsoneeyebrow.“Isthissomeeducationaltechnique?‘Apologizingfordummies’?”
“No.I’mhonestlybefuddled.”
“Then,I’msorryforcallingthemeetingwithoutaskingforyourapproval.”
Isquint.“…Really?”
“Really,what?”
“Areyou…actuallyapologizing?”
“Yep.”
“Oh.”Inod.“Tobeprecise,then,youdidaskformyapproval.AndIexplicitlydidnotgiveit.”
“Correct.”Ithinkhe’sbitingtheinsideofhischeektoavoidsmiling.“Ididn’theedyourexplicitadvice.Iwasn’ttryingtoundermineyourauthority,ortoactlikeyouropinionisirrelevant.Ithink…”Hepresseshislipstogether.“Actually,IknowI’moverlyinvestedinBLINK.Whichmakesmeoverlycontrollingandbossy.You’reright,itwasthesecondtimeIdidn’tdiscussimportantissueswithyou.”Hefinallylooksatme.“I’msorry,Bee.”
Iblink.Severaltimes.“Wow.”
“Wow?”
“Thatwasanexcellentapology.”Ishakemyhead,disappointed.“HowamIsupposedtokeepupmyveryadultsilenttreatmentforthenextthreeandahalfhours?”
“YouwereplanningtostoponcewegottoNewOrleans?”
“Iwasn’t,butrealistically:well-executedcoldshouldersrequireanenormousamountofupkeep,andI’mfirstandforemostlazy.”
Helaughssoftly.“Shouldweswitchalbums,then?”
“Why?”
“Ithoughtlate-ninetiesgrungemightfityourmood,butifyou’reoutgrowingyourwrath,maybewecanlistentosomethingalittleless…”
“Angry?”
“Yeah.”
“Whatareouroptions?”
There’ssomethingexquisitelyweirdaboutLeviWardtellingmehisphone’spasscode(338338)andlettingmepokearoundhismusicfolder.Hiscollectiondoesn’tincludeasingleembarrassingNickelbacksong(Ihatehim).It’samixofninetiesbands—mydecadeofchoice—exceptthatthey’reall…
Ioptforshuffle,settlebackintomyseattogazeatthebeautifullandscape,andgivehimtheonlycriticismIcanthinkof.“Youdoknowwomenmakemusic,too,right?”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Nothing.”Ishrug.“Justthattheentiretyofyourmusiclibraryisangrywhiteboys.”
Hefrowns.“Nottrue.”
“Right.That’swhyyouhaveexactly…”Iscrolldownforafewseconds.Moreseconds.Aminute.“…agrandtotalofzerofemale-performedsongsonyourphone.”
“That’snotpossible.”
“Andyet.”
Hisscowldeepens.“It’sjustacoincidence.”
“Mmm.”
“Okay—I’mnotproudofit,butit’spossiblethatmymusicaltastewasinfluencedbythefactthatinmyformativeyearsI,too,wasanangrywhiteboy.”
Isnort.“Ibetyouwere.Well,ifyoueverwanttoworkthroughthatrageproductivelyIcouldrecommendsomesinger-songwriters—”There’ssomethingonthesideoftheroad.Icranemynecktoseebetter.“OhmyGod.”
Hegivesmeaworriedlook.“What’sgoingon?”
“Nothing.Ijust—”Iwipemyeyes.“Nothing.”
“Bee?Areyou…crying?”
“No,”Ilie.Poorly.
“Isitaboutfemalesinger-songwriters?”hesays,panicky.“I’llbuyanalbum.Justletmeknowwhichoneisbest.Honestly,Idon’tknowenoughaboutthemto—”
“No.No,I—Therewasadeadpossum.Onthesideoftheroad.”
“Oh.”
“I…haveissues.Withroadkill.”
“Issues?”
“It’sjust…animalsaresocute.Exceptforspiders.Butspidersarenotreallyanimals.”
“They…are.”
“Andwhoknowswherethepossumwasgoing?Maybeshehadafamily?MaybeshewasbringinghomefoodtokidswhonowwonderwhereMommyis?”I’mmakingmyselfcryharder.Iwipemycheekandsniffle.
“I’mnotsurewildlifeabidesbytherulesoftraditionalnuclearfamilystructure—”Levinoticesmyglareandinstantlyshutsup.Hescratcheshisnapeandadds,“It’ssad.”
“It’sokay.I’mfine.I’memotionallystable.”
Hislipscurlup.“Areyou?”
“Thisisnothing.Timusedtomakemeplaythisstupid‘GuesstheRoadkill’gametotoughenmeup,andonceIliterallyranoutoftears.”Levi’sjawhardensvisibly.“AndwhenIwastwelvewesawafamilyofsplatteredhedgehogsonaBelgianhighwayandIcriedsohardthatwhenwestoppedtogetgas,aFederalePolitieagentquestionedmyuncleonsuspicionofchildmaltreatment.”
“Gotit.NostopsuntilNewOrleans.”
“No,IpromiseI’mdonecrying.I’manadultwithashriveled,hardenedheartnow.”
Hegivesmeaskepticalglance,butthensays,“Belgium,huh?”andhisvoiceiscurious.
“Yeah.Butdon’tgettooexcited,itwastheFlemishpart.”
“IthoughtyousaidyouwerefromFrance.”
“I’mfromallovertheplace.”Itakeoffmysandalsandpushmylegsagainstthedashboard,hopingLeviwon’ttakeoffenseatmybrightyellownailpolishandmyincrediblyuglypinkies.IcallthemtheQuasimotoes.“WewereborninGermany.MyfatherwasGermanandPolish,andmymotherhalf-Italian,half-American.Theywerevery…nomadic?Mydadwasatechnicalwriter,sohecouldworkanywhere.They’dsettleinoneplace,stayforafewmonths,thenmovetoanewone.Andourextendedfamilywasveryscattered.Sowhentheydied,we—”
“Theydied?”Leviturnstome,wide-eyed.
“Yeah.Freakcaraccident.Airbagsdidn’twork.They’dbeenrecalled,but…”Ishrug.“We’djustturnedfour.”
“We?”He’smoreinvestedinmylifestorythanIexpected.Ithoughthejustwantedtofillthesilence.
“Meandmytwinsister.Wedon’treallyhavememoriesofourparents.Anyway,aftertheirdeathweweresentfromrelativetorelative.TherewasItaly,Germany,Germanyagain,Switzerland,theUS,Poland,Spain,France,Belgium,theUK,Germanyagain,abriefstintinJapan,theUSagain.Andsoon.”
“Andyou’dlearnthelanguage?”
“Moreorless.Wewereenrolledinlocalschools—which,totalpain,havingtomakenewfriendseveryfewmonths.ThereweretimesIthoughtinsomanylanguagesIdidn’tevenspeak,Icouldn’tunderstandtheinsideofmyownhead.Nottomention,we’dalwaysbethekidswithanaccent,thekidswhodidn’treallygettheculture,soweneverproperlyfitin,and—Shouldn’tyoubemonitoringtheroadinsteadofstaringatme?”
Heblinksrepeatedly,asifshakingofftheshock,andthenlooksstraightahead.“Sorry,”hemumbles.
“Anyway.Therewerelotsofcountries,lotsofrelatives.EventuallywelandedintheUSwithmymaternalauntforthelasttwoyearsofhighschool.”Ishrug.“I’vebeenhereeversince.”
“Andyoursister?”
“Reike’slikemyparentsusedtobe.Allwanderlustful.Sheleftassoonasshelegallycould,andforthepastdecadeshe’sbeengoingfromplacetoplace,doingoddjobs,livingdaybyday.Shelikesto…justbe,youknow?”Ilaugh.“I’mpositivethatifmyparentswerealivethey’dgangupwithReikeagainstmefornotlovingtotravelliketheydo.ButIdon’t.Reike’sallaboutseeingnewplacesandmakingnewmemories,buttome,ifyouconstantlygoafternewthings,there’sneverenoughofanything.”Irunahandthroughmyhair,playingwiththepurpletips.“Idon’tknow.MaybeI’mjustlazy.”
“It’snotthat,”Levisays.Iglanceup.“Youwantstability.Permanency.”Henods,asifhejustfoundthemissingpieceofapuzzleandtheresultingpicturesuddenlymakessense.“Tobesomewherelongenoughtobuildasenseofbelonging.”
“Hey,Freud,”Isaymildly,“youdonewiththeunsolicitedtherapy?”
Heflushes.“Thatwillbethreehundreddollars.”
“Seemslikethegoingrate.”
“Areyouandyoursisteridentical?”
“Yes.Thoughsheinsiststhatshe’sprettier.Thatdumbass.”Irollmyeyesfondly.
“Doyouseeheroften?”
Ishakemyhead.“Ihaven’tseenherinpersoninalmosttwoyears.”Andeventhen,itwastwodays,alayoverinNewYorkonherwaytoAlaskafrom…Ihavenoclue.I’velonglosttrack.“Butwetalkonthephonealot.”Igrin.“Forexample,Ibitchtoheraboutyou.”
“Flattering.”Hesmiles.“Mustbenicetobeclosewithyoursibling.”
“You’renot?Didyoudriveariftbetweenyouandyourbrotherswithyourbadhabitofdoingstuffwithoutclearingitwiththemfirst?”
Heshakeshishead,stillsmiling.“Thereisnorift.Just…what’stheoppositeofarift?”
“Aclosing?”
“Yeah.That.”
Whateverthestateofhisrelationshipwithhisbrothersis,hedoesn’tseemhappyaboutit,andIfeelapangofguilt.“Sorry.Ididn’tmeantoimplythatyourfamilyhatesyoubecauseyou’reacontrolfreak.”
Hesmiles.“You’rejustasmuchacontrolfreakasIam,Bee.AndIthinkithasmoretodowiththefactthatI’mtheonlymemberofmyextendedfamilywho’snotinsomemilitarycareer.”
“Really?”
“Yup.”
Ibendmylegsandanglemyselftofacehim.“Isitanunspokenruleinyourfamily?Youmustbeinthearmedforces,oryoushallbeafailure?”
“It’sabsolutelyspoken.I’mtheofficialdisappointment.Onlycousinwho’sacivilian—outofseven.Thepeerpressureisintense.”
“Whoa.”
“Lastyear,atThanksgiving,myunclepubliclyaskedmetochangemynametostopbringingshametothefamily.ThiswasbeforeheguzzledacaseofBlueMoon.”
Iscowl.“YouareaNASAengineerwithNaturepublications.”
“Youkepttrackofmypubs?”
Ieye-roll.“Idon’t.Samjustlikestoblabberabouthowamazingyouare.”
“MaybeIshouldbringhertoThanksgivingnextyear.”
“Hey.”Ipokehisbicepwithmyindexfinger.It’shardandwarmthroughthesleeveofhisshirt.“Iknowwe’re…nemesi?”
“Nemeses.”
“—nemeses,butyourfamilydoesn’t.AndIusuallyspendThanksgivingtryingtoseehowmanyveganmarshmallowsIcanstuffintomymouth.Soifnextyearyouneedsomeonetoexplainexactlyhowamazingyouareatyourjob—orevenjusttobitch-slapthem—I’mavailable.”Ismile,andafterafewsecondshesmilesback,alittlesoft.
Thereissomethingrelaxingaboutthis.Abouthere.Aboutthemomentwe’rehaving.Maybeit’sthatLeviandIknowexactlywherewestandwhenitcomestoeachother.Orthatforbothofus,themostimportantthingintheworldrightnowisBLINK.Maybethereisaconnectionbetweenus.Averyodd,verycomplicatedone
Ileanbackinmyseat.“That,”Imuse,“istheoneproofbeinganorphan.”
“Whatis?”
“Havingnoparentstodisappoint.”
Hemullsitover.“Can’targuewiththatlogic.”
AfterthatwegobacktoourHostileCompanionableSilence?.AndafteralittlelongerIfallasleep,ThomYorke’svoicelowandsoothinginmyears.
???
IHAVEBEENatHBIforthreeandahalfminuteswhenImeetthefirstpersonIknow,aformerRAinSam’slabwho’snowaPh.D.studentat—Iglanceathisbadge—StonyBrook.Wehug,catchupabit,promisetogettogetherfordrinksovertheweekend(wewon’t).BythetimeIturnaround,Levihasmetsomeoneheknows(anelderlyguywithafannypackandaneyeglasschainthatscream“engineer”fromthetopoftheGrandCanyon).Thecyclelastsabouttwentyminutes.
“Jesus,”Imutteroncewe’realone.It’snotasthoughwe’refamous,oranythinglikethat,buttheworldofneuroimagingisveryinsular.Incestuous.Inescapable.AndlotsofotherIadjectives.
“Ihadmoresocialinteractionsinthepasttwentyminutesthaninthelasttenmonths,”hemumbles.
“Isawyousmileatleastfourtimes.”Ipathisarmcomfortingly.“Thatcan’thavebeeneasy.”
“Imighthavetoliedown.”
“I’llgetanicepackforyourcheeks.”Ilookaroundthecrowdedhall,suddenlyremindedofwhyIhateacademicconferences.“Whydidwecometoday,anyway?MagTech’spresentation’snotuntiltomorrow.”
“Boris’sorder.Afeebleattempttolooklikewe’renotjustheretosnoop,Ibelieve.”
Igrin.“Doyoueverfeellikewe’resuper-spiesandhe’sourhandler?”
Hegivesmeahalf-amused,half-witheringlook.“No.”
“Comeon.Boris’stotallytheMtomyJamesBond.”
“Ifyou’reJamesBond,whoamI?”
“You’retheBondgirl.I’mgoingtoseduceyouinexchangeforblueprintsandstabyouwhileIsiponmymartini.”IwinkatLevi,thenrealizethathe’sflushing.DidIgotoofar?“Ididn’tmeanto—”
“ThereareacoupleofengineeringtalksIwanttogoto,”hesaysabruptly,pointingattheconferenceprogramandsoundingremarkablynormal.Imusthaveimaginedit.“You?”
“There’sapanelatfourthatsoundsinteresting.Also,it’smysacreddutytogooutforadrink.BigEasyandallthat.”
“Oh.Didyouwantto…”
Icockmyhead.“Wantto?”
Heclearshisthroat.“Didyouwantcompany?Wereyoualreadyplanningtogowithyourfriend,or—”
“Myfriend?”
“Thatfriendofyours.”
“Who?”
“Iforgothername.ThatgirlwhowasinSam’slab?Darkhair,didfNIRSresearch,and…”Hesquints.“Nah,that’sallIremember.”
“AreyoutalkingaboutAnnieJohansson?”
Heglancesbackattheprogram.“Maybe?Thatsoundsright.”
Ican’tbelieveLeviforgotAnnie’snameaftershepursuedhimmercilesslyforages.Sheknewhisdamnbloodtype,forcake’ssake.Probablyhissocialsecuritynumber,too.“WhywouldIgofordrinkswithher?”
“Ijustassumed,”hesaysabsentmindedly.“Youtwowereinseparable.”
Myheartbeatpicksup.Probablyfornoreason.“Butshe’snothere.”
Levi’sstillreadingtheprogram,notreallypayingattentiontome.“IthoughtIsawheraminuteago.”
Iwhirlaround.Yes,mypalmsarestartingtosweat,butjustbecausesometimestheydo.Allpalmssweatsometimes,right?Ilookaboutfrantically,butI’msurethatAnnie’snothere.Shecan’tbe.Levididn’tevenrememberhername—hecan’tberightaboutthis.Heprobablythinksthatallwomenwithdarkhairlookthesameand—
Annie.
Withashorterhaircut.Andaprettylilacdress.Andabigsmileonherprettylips.Standinginlineatthebadgereclamationstation,chattingwithsomeone,someonewhojustwalkedupandishandingheracupofcoffee,someonewho—
Tim.
Tim.IseeTim,butonlyforasecond.Thenmyvisionblurs,largeblackdotsswallowingtheworld.I’mhot.I’mcold.I’msweaty.I’mshakinglikealeafandmyheartispoundingandI’mflyingaway.
“Bee.”Levi’svoicegroundsmeforasecond,warmanddeepandworriedandsolidandthankGodhe’shere,orI’dbescatteredallover,debrisinthewind.“Bee,areyouokay?”
I’mnot.I’mdying.I’mfainting.I’mhavingapanicattack.Myheartandmyheadareexploding.
“Bee?”
Leviisholdingmenow.HoldingmeagainandI’minhisarmsanditfeelslikeI’msafe,howisitpossiblethatwhenhe’saround,onlywhenhe’saround,Ireallyfeelsa—14
PERIAQUEDUCTALGRAY&THEHIPPOCAMPUS:PAINFULMEMORIES
THISISNOTmyhotelroom.
Firstofall,ithasawaybetterview.Abusy,picturesqueNewOrleansstreet,insteadofthatclutteredcourtyardwithstackedpatiofurniture.Second,itsmellsfaintlylikepineandsoap.Third,andperhapsmostimportant:it’snotmessy,andifIhaveonetalentintheworld,it’sturningahotelroomintocompletenon-vandalicchaoswithinthefirstthreeminutesofmystay.
Yourgirlhassomeserioussplinterskills.
Isitupinthebed,whichIassumeisalsonotmine.ThefirstthingIseeisgreen.Aparticularbrandofgreen:LeviGreen?.
“Yo,”Itellhim,alittlestupidly,andimmediatelyslumpbackonthepillow.Ifeeldrained.Exhausted.Nauseous.Outofit.HowdidIgethere,anyway?
Levicomestositnexttome,onthesideofthebed.“Howareyou?”Therichrumbleofhisvoiceisahintofsorts.ThelasttimeIhearditwasveryrecently.AndIcouldn’tbreathe.Icouldn’tbreathebecause…?
“DidIloseconsciousness?”
Henods.“Notimmediately.Youwalkedwithmetotheelevator.ThenIcarriedyouhere.”
Itcomesbacktomeatonce.Tim.Annie.TimandAnnie.They’rehereattheconference.Talking.Toeachother.ImustbeinLevi’sbedandtheinsideofmyheadisrottenandI’mlosingitagainand—
“Deepbreaths,”heorders.“Inandout.Don’tthinkaboutit,okay?Justbreathe.Steady.”Hisvoiceisjustin-chargeenough.Theperfectamountofcommanding.WhenI’mlikethis,ahairbreadthfromexploding,Ineedstructure.Externalfrontallobes.IneedsomeonetothinkformeuntilI’vecalmeddown.Idon’tknowwhat’smoreupsetting:thatLeviisdoingthisforme,orthatI’mnotevensurprisedaboutit.
“Thankyou,”IsaywhenI’mmoreincontrol.Iturntomyside,andmyrightcheekbrushesagainstthepillow.“Thiswas…Thankyou.”
Hescansmyface,unconvinced.“Areyoufeelingbetter?”
“Alittle.Thankyoufornotfreakingout.”
Heshakeshishead,holdingmyeyes,andItakemoredeepbreaths.Seemslikeagoodidea.“Wanttotalkaboutit?”
“Notreally.”
Henodsanddoeswhathedidweeksago,aftersavingmefromthealmost-pancaking:heputshiswarmhandonmybrowandpushesmyhairback.ItmightbethebestthingI’vefeltinmonths.Years.“IsthereanythingIcando?”
“No.”
Henodsagainandmakestostand.Thedreadinthepitofmystomachisbackwithavengeance.“Canyou—”IrealizethatIslidmyfingerthroughoneofthebeltloopsinhisjeansandimmediatelyflushandletgo.Still,alltheembarrassmentintheworldisn’tenoughtokeepmefromcontinuing.“Canyoustay?Please?Iknowyou’dprobablyratherbe—”
“Nowhereelse,”hesays,withoutskippingabeat.“There’snowhereelseI’dratherbe.”Westaylikethat,intheHostileCompanionableSilence?that’sasmuchapartofourrelationshipasBLINK,andpeanut-butterenergyballs,andarguingaboutFélicette’sexistence.Afteraminute,ormaybethirty,heasks,“Whathappened,Bee?”andifhesoundedpushy,oraccusing,orembarrassed,itwouldbesoeasytoshuthimdown.Butthere’sonlypure,nakedconcerninhiseyes,andIdon’tjustwanttotellhim.Ineedto.
“AnnieandIhadafallingoutinourlastyearofgradschool.Wehaven’ttalkedsince.”
Hecloseshiseyes.“I’mafuckingasshole.”
“No.”Iclosemyfingersaroundhiswrist.“Levi,you—”
“Ifuckingpointedherouttoyou—”
“Youcouldn’thaveknown.”Isniffle.“Imean,youareanasshole,butforotherreasons.”Ismile.Imustlookridiculous,mycheeksglisteningwithsweatandtearsandsmudgedmascara.Hedoesn’tseemtomind,atleastjudgingfromthewayhecupsmyface,histhumbwarmonmyskin.It’salotoftouchingfortwonemeses,butI’llallowit.Imightevenwelcomeit.
“Annie’satVanderbilt,”hesayswiththetoneofsomeonewho’stalkingtohimself.“WithSchreiber.”
“Youdorememberher,then.”
“Seeingyoulikethisdefinitelyjostledmymemory.Otherthings,too.”Hedoesn’tmovehishand,whichistotallyfinebyme.“Isthatwhyyou’renotworkingwithSchreiber?Whyyou’rewiththatidiot,TrevorSlate?”
“Trevorisnotanidiot,”Icorrecthim.“He’sasexist,imbeciledickhead.But,yeah.Weweresupposedtodoourpostdocstogether.Weeventimedourgraduationssowe’dmovetoNashvilleatthesametime.Andthen…”IshrugasbestasIcan.“Thenthatmesshappened,andIcouldn’tgoanymore.Icouldn’tbewithherandTim.”
Hefrowns.“Tim?”
“AllthreeofusweresupposedtoworkwithSchreiber.”
“ButwhatdoesTimhavetodowiththis?”
Thisisthehardbit.ThepartI’veonlysaidoutloudtwice.OncetoReike,andlatertomytherapist.Itellmyselftobreathe.Deeply.Inandout.“ItwasoverTim,thefallingoutAnnieandIhad.”
Levitenses.Hishandmoveslower,tocupthebackofmyneck.Somehowit’sexactlywhatIneed.“Bee.”
“IthinkyouknowhowTimwas.BecauseeveryoneknewhowTimwas.”Ismile.Thetearsareflowingagain,quietlyunstoppable.“Well,exceptforme.Ijust…Imethiminmyfreshmanyearofcollege,youknow?Andhelikedme.AndthatwinterIhadnowheretogo,andheaskedifIwantedtospenditwithhisfamily.Which,ofcourse,Idid.Itwasamazing.God,Imisshisfamily.Hismotherwouldknitmesocks—isn’tittheloveliestthing,knittingsomethingwarmforsomeone?Istillwearthemwhenit’scold.”Iwipemycheekswithmywrists.“MytherapistsaidthatIdidn’twanttosee.ToadmithowTimtrulywas,becauseIoverinvestedinourrelationship.BecauseifIacknowledgedthathewasajerk,thenI’dhavetogiveupontherestofhisfamily,too.Maybeshe’sright,butIthinkIjustwantedtotrusthim,youknow?Weweretogetherforyears.Heaskedmetomarryhim.Heinvitedmeintohislifewhennooneelseeverhad.Youtrustapersonlikethat,don’tyou?”
“Bee.”Levi’slookingatmeinawaythatIcannotcomprehend.Becausenoonehaseverlookedatmelikethat.
“So,therewerealltheseothergirls.Women.Ineverblamedthem—itwasn’ttheirjobtolookaftermyrelationship.IonlyeverblamedTim.”Mylipstastelikesaltandtoomuchwater.“We’dbeenengagedforthreeyearswhenIfoundout.Iconfrontedhimandtookoffmyengagementringandtoldhimthatweweredone,thathe’dbetrayedme,thatIhopedhegotgonorrheaandhisdickfelloff—Idon’tevenknowwhatItoldhim.IwassomadIwasn’tevencrying.Buthesaidthatitdidn’tmeananything.Thathedidn’tthinkI’dbesoupsetaboutit,andthathe’dstop.ThatifI’dbeen…”Ican’tevenbringmyselftorepeatit,thewayhetwistedeverythingtomakeitmyfault.Ifyoufuckedmealittlemorefrequently,he’dsaid.Ifyouwerebetter.Ifyouknewhowtoenjoyitandmakeitenjoyable.Youcouldatleastputinsomeeffort.“We’dbeentogetherforsevenyears.Nooneelsehadbeeninmylifethatlongbefore,soItookhimback.AndItriedharder.Iputmoreeffortin…inourrelationship.Inmakinghimhappy.I’mnotavictim—Imadeaninformedchoice.Figuredthatifgettingmarried,ifstabilitywaswhatIwanted,thenIshouldn’tgiveuponTimtooquickly.Youreapwhatyousow.”Iletoutashudderingsigh.“AndthenheandAnnie—”Myvoicebreaks,butLevicanimaginetherest.Heknowsenoughalready,probablymorethanheevercaredto.Hedoesn’tneeditspelledout,thatIwassuchaneedy,pitifuldoormatthatnotonlydidItakebackmycheaterofafiancé,butIalsoneverrealizedthathekeptcheatingonme.Withmyclosestfriend.InthelabwhereIwasworkingeveryday.Idon’tthinkaboutAnnietoooften,becausethepainoflosingher,Ineverquitelearnedhowtomanage.“Idon’tknowwhyshedidit.ButIcouldn’tgowiththemtoVanderbilt.Itwascareersuicide,butIjustcouldn’t.”
“You…”Levi’shandtightensonmynape.“Youdidn’tmarryhim.Younevermarriedhim.”
Ismile,rueful.“Theworstthingis,Itriedtoforgivehimforalongtime.ButthenIcouldn’t,and…”Ishakemyhead.
Leviisblinking,adumbfoundedexpressiononhisface.“You’renotmarried,”herepeats,andIsitupashisshockfinallypenetratesmybrain.
“You—youthoughtIwas?”Henods,andIletoutawetlaugh.“Iwassureyouknew,sinceyouandTimcollaborate.AndIletGuybelieveit,becauseIthoughtyouweretryingtogivemeanout,but”—Iliftmylefthand—“thisismygrandmother’sring.I’mnotmarried.TimandIhaven’tspokeninyears.”
LevimouthssomethingIcannotmakeoutandpullshishandback,asthoughallofasuddenmyskinisscorchinghim.Hestandsandwalkstothewindow,staringoutsideasherunsahandthroughhishair.Isheangry?
“Levi?”
Noreply.Herubshismouthwithhisfingers,asifdeepinthought,asifcomingtotermswithsomeseismicevent.
“Levi,IknowyouandTimcollaborate.Ifthisputsyouinaweirdposition,youcan—”
“Wedon’t.”Hefinallyturnsaround.Whateverjusthappened,heseemstohavecollectedhimself.Thegreenofhiseyes,though,isbrighterthanbefore.Brighterthanever.“Collaborate,thatis.”
Isitup,legsdanglingoverthemattress.“YouandTimdon’tcollaborateanymore?”
“Nope.”
“Sincewhen?”
“Now.”
“What?But—”
“Idon’tfeellikegoingtotheconference,”heinterrupts.“Doyouneedtorest?”
“Rest?”
“Becauseofthe”—hegesturesvaguelyatmeandthebed—“fainting.”
“Oh,I’mfine.IfIneededresteverytimeIfainted,I’dneed…alotofrest.”
“Inthatcase,there’ssomethingI’dliketodo.”
“Whatisit?”
Hedoesn’tanswer.“Wanttojoinme?”
Ihavenoideawhathe’sreferringto,butit’snotasthoughIhaveabusyschedule.“Sure?”
Hesmiles,alittlesmug,andaterriblethoughtoccurstome:I’mgoingtoregretwhatever’sabouttohappen.
???
“IHATETHIS.”
“Iknow.”
“Whatgaveitaway?”Ipushasweatypurplestrandfrommyforehead.Myhandsareshaking.Mylegsaretwigs,butmadeofslime.There’sadistinctivetasteofironinmythroat.AsignthatI’mdying?Possibly.IwanttostopbutIcan’t,becausethetreadmillisstillgoing.IfIcollapse,thewalkingbeltisgoingtoswallowmeinavortexofclammydarkness.“Isitthewheezing?Thenear-puking?”
“Mostlythewayyou’vesaiditeighttimessincestartingtorun—which,bytheway,wasexactlysixtysecondsago.”Heleansforwardfromhisowntreadmillandhitsthespeedbutton,slowingit.“Youdidgreat.Nowwalkabit.”HestraightensandkeepsonrunningatapaceIwouldn’tachieveevenhuntedbyaswarmofmaggots.“Inthreeminutes,you’regoingtorunsixtymoreseconds.”He’snotevenshortofbreath.Doeshehavebioniclungs?“Thenyou’llwalkthreemoreminutes,andthenyou’llcooldown.”
“Wait.”Ituckmyhairbehindmyear.Ineedtoinvestinaheadband.“That’sit?”
“Yup.”
“Ionlyrunfortwominutes?That’smytraining?”
“Yep.”
“Howdoyouknow?HaveyoueverdoneaCouch-to-5K?Haveyoueverevenbeenonacouch?”Igivehimaskepticalonce-over.Helooksupsettinglygoodinhismid-thighshortsandPittT-shirt.Apatchofsweatisspreadingonhisback,makingthecottonsticktohisskin.Ican’tbelievetherearepeoplewhomanagetolookhotwhilerunning.Screwthem.
“Ididsomeresearch.”
Ilaugh.“Youdidresearch?”
“Ofcourse.”Hegivesmeanaffrontedlook.“IsaidI’dtrainyouforthe5K,andIwill.”
“Oryoucouldjustreleasemefromourbet.”
“Nicetry.”
Ishakemyhead,laughingsomemore.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidresearch.It’seitherincrediblynice,orthemostsadisticthingI’veeverheard.”Icontemplateit.“I’mleaningtowardthelatter.”
“Hush,orI’llsignyouupfortheMeatLovers5K.”
Ishutupandkeeponwalking.
Threehourslater,weendupinabarintheFrenchQuarter.
Together.
Asin,meandLeviWard.Gettingdrinks.SippingSazeracatthesametable.Gigglingbecausethewaitressservedminewithaheart-shapedstraw.
I’mnotsurehowithappened.Ithinksomegooglingwasinvolved,andintenseskimmingofawebsitecalledDrinkingNOLA,andthenafive-minutewalkinwhichIdeterminedthatoneofLevi’sstepsequalsexactlytwoofmine.ButI’mblankingonhowwecametothedecisionthatventuringouttogetherwouldbeagoodidea.
Ohwell.MightaswellfocusontheSazerac.
“So,”Iaskafteralongsip,whiskeyburningsweetlydownmythroat,“who’sengagingwithSchr?dinger’sanusthisweekend?”
Levismiles,swirlingtheamberliquidinhistumbler.Afterhisshowerhedidn’tdryhishair,andsomedampwispsarestillstickingtohisears.“Guy.”
“PoorGuy.”Ileanforward.Thecornersoftheworldarestartingtogetfuzzyinasoft,pleasantway.Mmm,alcohol.“Isitdifficult?Whotaughtyou?Doesitrequiretools?DoesSchr?dingerlikeit?Whatdoesitsmelllike?”
“No,thevet,justglovesandsometreats,ifhedoeshehidesitwell,andawful.”
Itakeanothersip,fullyentertained.“Howdidyouendupwithacatwhoneeds…expression,anyway?”
“Hedidn’twhenIfirstgothim,seventeenyearsago.Hespentfifteenyearslong-conningmeintolovinghim,andnowhereIam.”Heshrugs.“Expressingonceaweek.”
Iburstintomorelaughterthanisprobablywarranted.Mmm,alcohol.“Yougothimasakitten?Fromtheshelter?”
“Fromunderthegardenshed.Hewaschompingonasad-lookingpigeonwing.Ifiguredheneededme.”
“Howoldwereyou?”
“Fifteen.”
“Youguyshavebeentogethermostofyourlives.”
Henods.“Myparentsaren’texactlypetpeople,soitwaseitherbringinghimwhereverIwentorleavinghimtofendforhimself.Hecametocollegewithme.Andgradschool.He’djumponmydeskandstareatmeallaccusingandsquinty-eyedwhenIslackedoff.Thatlittleasshole.”
“He’stherealsecretofyouracademicsuccess!”
“Iwouldn’tgothatfar—”
“Thesourceofyourintelligence!”
“Seemsexcessive—”
“Theonlyreasonyouhaveajob!”HeliftsoneeyebrowandIlaughsomemore.I’mhilarious.Mmm,alcohol.“It’ssoniceofGuytodothisforyou.”
“Tobeclear,Guy’sjustfeedingSchr?dinger.Ididtheexpressingbeforeleaving.Butyeah,he’sgreat.”
“Ihaveaninappropriatequestionforyou.DidyoustealGuy’sjob?”
Henodspensively.“Yesandno.He’dprobablybeBLINK’sleadifIhadn’ttransferred.ButIhavemoreteam-leadingandneuroexperience.”
“He’sawfullygracefulaboutit.”
“Yup.”
“Ifitwereme,I’dstabyouwithmynailfiler.”
Hesmiles.“Idon’tdoubtit.”
“IguessdeepdownGuyknowshe’scooler.”ItakeinLevi’sconfusedexpression.“Imean,he’sanastronaut.”
“…And?”
“Well,here’sthedeal:ifNASAwereahighschool,anditsdifferentdivisionswerecliques,theastronautswouldbethefootballplayers.”
“Isfootballstillathinginhighschool?Despitethebraindamage?”
“Yes!Crazy,right?Anyway,theengineerswouldbemorelikethenerds.”
“SoI’manerd?”
Isitbackandstudyhimcarefully.He’sbuiltlikealinebacker.
“Iactuallyplayedtightend,”hepointsout.
Shit.DidIsayitoutloud?“Yes.You’reanerd.”
“Fair.Whatabouttheneuroscientists?”
“Hmm.Neuroscientistsaretheartsykids.Ormaybetheexchangestudents.Intrinsicallycool,butforevermisunderstood.Mypointis:Guy’sbeentospace,thereforehe’spartofabetterclique.”
“Iseeyourreasoning,butcounterpoint:Guyhasneverbeentospace,neverwill.”
Ifrown.“Hesaidheworkedwithyouonhisfirstspacemission.”
“Asgroundcrew.HewassupposedtogototheISS,buthefailedthepsychologicalscreeninglastminute—notthatitmeansanything.Thosetestsareridiculouslyselective.Anyway,mostoftheastronautsI’vemetareverydowntoearth—”
“DowntoEarth!”Ilaughsohard,peopleturntostare.Levishakeshisheadfondly.
“Andtobecomeanastronaut,you’rerequiredtohaveaSTEMdegree.Whichmeansthatthey’renerds,too—nerdswhodecidedtotakeonadditionaltraining.”
“Waitaminute.”Ileanforwardagain.“Youwanttoeventuallybeanastronaut,too?”
Hepresseshislipstogether,pensive.“Icouldtellyouastory.”
“Oooh.Astory!”
“Butyou’dhavetokeepitsecret.”
“Becauseit’sembarrassing?”
“Alittle.”
Ipout.“ThenIcan’tdothat.You’remyarchenemy—Ihavetoslanderyou.It’sinthecontract.”
“Nostory,then.”
“Oh,comeon!”Irollmyeyes.“Fine,Iwon’ttellanyone.ButFYI,itwillprobablykillme.”
Henods.“I’mwillingtoriskit.Youknowhowmyfamilyisn’thappywithme?”
“StilllookingforwardtokickingtheircollectiveassatThanksgiving.”
“Appreciated.OnceIstartedworkingforNASA,mymothertookmeasideandtoldmethatImightbeabletoredeemmyselfinmyfather’seyesifIappliedfortheAstronautCorps.”
Myeyeswiden.“Didyoudoit?”
“Yep.”
“And?”I’mleaningcloserandcloser.Thisisengrossing.“Didyougetin?”
“Nope.Didn’tevenmakeitthroughtheeliminationround.”
“No!Why?”
“Tootall.Theyrecentlytightenedtheheightrestriction—can’tbetallerthansixtwo,orshorterthanfiveone.”
IbrieflycontemplatethenotionthatneitherLevinorIfallwithinastronautheightrequirements,butfordramaticallydifferentreasons.Wild.“Wereyouheartbroken?”
“Myfamilywas,yeah.”Helooksmestraightintheeye.“Iwassorelieved,myfriendandIgotpassed-outdrunkthatnight.”
“What?”
Hetipsbackhisheadanddownstherestofhisdrink.I’mnotstaringathisAdam’sapple,I’mnot.“Outerspaceisfuckingterrifying.I’mthankfulfortheozonelayerandthegravitationalpullofthemoonandwhatnot,butthey’dhavetotiemelikeaspit-roastedpigtosendmeoutthere.Theuniversekeepsexpandingandgettingcolder,chunksofourgalaxyaresuckedaway,blackholeshurlthroughspaceatmillionsofmilesperhour,andsolarsuperstormsflareupatthedropofahat.MeanwhileNASAastronautsareoutthereintheirfranklyinadequatesuits,drinkinglitersoftheirownrecycledurine,gettingalligatorskinonthetopoftheirfeet,andshittingrubberballsthatfloataroundateyelevel.Theircerebrospinalfluidexpandsandpressesontheireyeballstothepointthattheireyesightdeteriorates,theirgutbacteriaareashitshow—nopunintended—andgammaraysthatliterallypulverizetheminlessthanasecondwanderaround.Butyouknowwhat’sevenworse?Thesmell.Spacesmellslikeatoiletfullofrotteneggs,andthere’snoescape.You’rejuststuckthereuntilHoustonallowsyoutocomebackhome.SobelievemewhenIsay:I’mgratefuleverydamndayforthosetwoextrainches.”
Istareathim.Andstareathim.Andstarealittlemore,open-mouthed.Istareatthismanwhoissixfourandtwohundredpoundsofmuscleandjustventedtomeforfiveminutesaboutthefactthatspaceisascaryplace.
God.Oh,God.IthinkIlikehim.
“There’sonesingleformatinwhichspaceistolerable,”hesays.
“Whichis?”
“StarWarsmovies.”
Oh,God.
Ijumpoutofmyseat,grabhishand,andpullhimoutofthebar.Hefollowswithoutresisting.“Bee?Wherearewe—?”
Idon’tbotherlookingback.“Tomyhotelroom.TowatchTheEmpireStrikesBack.”
???
“YODA’SABITofadick.”IleanovertostealahandfulofpopcornfromLevi’slap.Myownbag,sadly,islonggone.Shouldhavepacedmyself.
“AllJediaredicks.”Levishrugs.“It’stheforcedcelibacy.”
Ican’tbelieveI’monabed.WithLeviWard.Watchingamovie.WithLeviWard.Anditdoesn’tevenfeelweird.Istealmorepopcorn,andinadvertentlygrabhisthumb.“Sorry!”
“That’snotvegan,”hesays,ahintofsomethinginhisvoice,andIammesmerizedbytheshadowstheTVlightcastsonhisface.Hiselegantnose,theunexpectedfullnessofhislips,hisblackhair,blue-tintedinthedark.
“What?”heasks,withouttakinghiseyesoffthescreen.
“What,what?”
“You’restaring.”
“Oh.”Ishouldavertmygaze,butI’mabitdrunk.AndIlikelookingathim.“Nothing.Just…”
Hefinallyturns.“Just?”
“Just…lookatus.”Ismile.“Itdoesn’tevenfeellikewehateeachother.”
“That’sbecausewedon’t.”
“Aw.”Itiltmyhead.“Youstoppedhatingme?”
“Newrule.”Heturnsmorefullytowardme,andhisridiculouslylonglegsbrushagainstmine.IntheswampyforestsofDagobah,Yoda’storturingpoorLukeundertheguiseoftraininghim.“EverytimeyousaythatIhateyou,youhavetocomeoverandexpressSchr?dinger’sglands.”
“Yousayitlikeitwouldn’tbeenjoyable.”
“Sinceyouclearlyhaveafetish:everytimeyoumentionthisnonexistentenmityIsupposedlyfeel,I’lladdamiletotheraceyouoweme.”
“That’scrazy.”
“Youknowwhattodotomakeitstop.”Hepopsakernelintohismouth.
“Hmm.CanIsaythatIhateyou?”
Helooksaway.“Idon’tknow.Doyouhateme?”
DoIhatehim?No.Yes.No.Ihaven’tforgottenhowmuchofadipshithewasingradschool,orthathereprimandedmeaboutmyclothesonmyfirstdayofwork,oranyofthedickishthingshe’sdonetome.Butafterabigdayliketoday,whenhesavedmefromtotal,catastrophicimplosion,itallseemssodistant.
No,then.Idon’thatehim.Infact,Ikindoflikehim.ButIdon’twanttoadmitit,sowhileHanandLeiabickerabouthowmuchtheyloveeachotheronthescreen,Ipunt.
“Whatareyouwearingtomorrow?”
Hegivesmeapuzzledlook.“Idon’tknow.Isitrelevant?”
“Ofcourse!We’respying.”
HenodsinawaythatclearlyshowcaseshowfullofshithethinksIam.“Somethinginconspicuous,then.Atrenchcoat.Sunglasses.Youbroughtyourfakemustache,right?”
Ismackhisarm.“Notallofushavealonghistoryofespionage—bytheway,what’sthestorybehindtheMagTechpics?”
“That’sasecret.”
“Didyoureallyriskyourcareer,likeBorissaid?”
“Nocomment.”
Irollmyeyes.“Well,ifyoudid…thankyou.”Isettlebackintomypillow,focusingonthemovie.
“Hey,Bee?”
IloveWookieessomuch.Bestaliensever.“Yeah?”
“IftomorrowyouseeAnnieandTimandfeel…likeyoufelttoday.Justtakemyhand,okay?”
Ishouldaskwhatthatwouldevenaccomplish.Ishouldpointoutthathishandisnotapowerfulbrandofinstant-releasebenzodiazepines.ButIthinkhemightberight.Ithinkitmightjustdothetrick.SoInod,andstealtheentirebagofpopcornfromhislap.
Hedoeshaveapoint.Spaceiskindofscary.15
FUSIFORMAREA:FAMILIARFACES
“THEYHIREDAneuroscientist,”Levisays,gazelockedonthepodiumwhereengineerswithheavyDutchaccentsarediscussingtheirstimulationheadgear.
I’dnod,butIfeelqueasy.MagTech’shelmetsareatthesamestageasours.Maybeabitfurther.Atinybitfurther,butstill.ThebananaIhadforbreakfastislurchinginmystomach.“Yup.”
“Theysolvedtheoutputlocationproblemsinadifferentway,”hemurmurs.He’stalkingtohimself,onehandclenchedonthearmrest,white-knuckled.
Yep.Thissucks.
Hey,Dr.Curie.Iknowyou’rebusyfrolickingnakedwithPierre,andIknowthatit’sunfairofmetoask,butifyouorHerthacoulddomeasolidandzapMagTech’sstimulationheadgearwithradioactivelightning,that’dbelovely.Iftheypatentthetechnologybeforewedo,they’lljustsellittowhatevermilitiapaysthemost,andasyouknow,humansdon’tneedcognitiveenhancementwhenitcomestokillingeachother.Kthxbye.
“They’restuckonmerginghardwareandsoftware,”Levisays.
“Yep.Justlikeus.”Isquirminmychair.Thistripwaspointless.Absolutelypointless.IwanttogobacktoHoustonandputinfive,ten,twentyhoursofwork.Gothrougheverysinglepieceofdatawe’vecollectedandseeifImissedanythingthatwillhelpusmoveforward.
Thisisarace.Italwayswas,fromtheverystart,butaftertheuncertaintyofmyfirstweekonBLINK,Iwassogratefulfortheopportunitytohaveashotatit,italmostslippedmymind.Doingourbest,makingprogress—thatseemedenough.Spoiler:itwasn’t.ForthefirsttimeinweeksIthink,reallythink,aboutmyjobatNIH.I’vebeensendingweeklyreportstoTrevorandtheInstitutedirector.Therehasn’tbeenmuchofareactionontheirendexceptfor“Nicejob”and“Keepupthegoodwork.”Iwonderwhethertheyreadorjustskimforbuzzwords.Neuralnetworks.Magneticpulses.Neuroplasticity’salwaysahit,too.
WhatwouldtheysayifItoldthemthatMagTechmightreachthefinishlinefirst?Wouldtheyblameme?Wouldmyjobbesafe?AndwhatwouldhappentothepromotionIwant?I’lleitherbefiredorworkforTrevorinperpetuity—isthiswhatmycareerambitionshavecometo,aneternalquestforthelesserevil?
Becomeascientist,theysaid.Itwillbefun,theysaid.
“Let’sgo.”Levispringsupfromhischairthesecondthepresentationends.“Ifweleavenow,wecanbehomebymid-afternoon.”
I’veneverbeenmoreeagertogetoutofanair-conditionedroom.“Youwanttoholeupinthelabandworkuntilyoupassout?”
“Yup.”HepopstheP
Atleastwe’reonthesamepage.“Youknowwhat?”Imuse,weavingmywaythroughthecrowd.“Imighthaveanideaonhowtotacklethegradientfieldsissue—”
“AsIliveandbreathe.LeviandBee!”
Westopdead.Butwedon’tturnaround,becausewedon’tneedto.Voicesarelikefaces,afterall:oneneverforgetsthem,notiftheybelongtopeoplewhoareimportant.Yourparents.Siblings.Bestfriends,partners,crushes.
Ph.D.advisors.
“Icannotbelieveyou’rehereandIdidn’tknowit.”
Levi’seyeslockwithmine.Fuck,Ireadinthewayhispupilsdilate.Itelepathicallyanswer,Indeed.Hisexpressiondarkens.
IloveSam.WebothloveSam.I’venevertalkedaboutherwithLevi,butIknowtheyhadaspecialrelationship,justlikesheandIdid.Shewasanoutstandingadvisor:intelligent,supportive,andshecared,reallycared,aboutus.AftermyfallingoutwithTimandAnnie,Ididn’thavethehearttotellherwhatreallyhappened.SoImadeupsomeliesaboutafriendlybreakupandaboutneedingtobeinBaltimorewithnonexistentrelatives.SamwastheonewhohelpedmefindmyjobwithTrevor,andshenevercriticizedmeforturningdownabetterpositionatVanderbilt.Ialwayslovehearingfromher,catchinguponherwork,gettingcoffeetogether.Always.
Exceptforrightnow.
Ismileassheengulfsmeinabearhug,and—okay,thisfeelsamazing.She’stallandsturdilybuilt.Atrulycommittedhugger.Ifindmyselflaughing,squeezingherback.“It’ssonicetoseeyou,Sam.”
“That’smyline.Andyou,Levi,lookatyou.Areyoueventaller?”Theirhugissignificantlymoresubdued.I’mnonethelessshockedthatLevidoeshugs,andbytheaffectionatesmileonhislips.
“NotthatIknow.It’snicetoseeyou,Sam.”
“Whydidn’tIknowyoutwowerehere?”
“Becausewe’renotontheprogram.Wejustdroveupforaspecificpresentation.”
“We?”Sam’seyeswiden.ShelooksbetweenusafewtimesbeforesettlingonLeviwithahugepleasedgrinthatIcannotinterpret.Thenshetakesoneofhishands.“Ididn’tknowtherewasa‘we,’Levi.I’msohappyforyou.I’vebeenhopingforsolong,andfinally,suchanincredible—”
“BeeandIareworkingtogetheronaNASAproject.Temporarily.”Hesaysitquickly,likeateenagerstoppinghismotherfromrevealingthathestillsleepswithastuffedtriceratops.
Samgasps,coveringhermouth.“Ofcourse.Ofcourse,theNASAproject.Ican’tbelieveitslippedmymind.Still,youtwoshouldcometomybrunch.In”—sheglancesatherphone—“tenminutes.Allmygradsarecoming.Food’sonme,ofcourse.”
Uh-oh.
Uh-shitshitshitshit-oh.
IglanceupatLevi,readytobeghimnottomakemewatchTimandAnnieeathuevosrancherosforthirtyminutes,buthe’salreadyshakinghishead.“Thankyou,butwecan’t.Weneedtogetontheroad.”
“Oh,nonsense.It’llbelessthananhour.Justmakeanappearance,sayhitoeveryone,havebreakfastonme.You’rebothsoskinny.”
IwonderhowonecouldpossiblylookatLevi’schest,orbiceps,orlegs,or…anything,really,andthinktheword“skinny,”buthedoesn’tskipabeat.“Weneedtogetgoing.”
“Youcan’t,”sheinsists.HaveImentionedthatSam’sbossy?Iguessit’saprofessionalhazardwhenyou’vebeenrunningalabfordecades.“Youweremyfavoritegrads.What’sthepointofhavingalabbrunchifyoutwoaren’tthere?Mightaswellcancel!”
“Youdidn’tevenknowwewerehereuntilthreeminutesago,”Levipointsoutpatiently.
“ButnowIdo.And…”Sheleansforwardandputsahandonbothourshoulders.“I’llbemakinganimportantannouncementtoday.I’mretiringattheendofthesemester.AndonceI’mout,I’mnotplanningtodotheconferencecircuitanymore.Sotheremightnotbeanexttime.”
Levinods.“Igetit,Sam.Butwereally—”
“We’llcome,”Iinterrupt.“Justtelluswhere.”IchuckleattheexcitedwaySamclapsherhands.
“Areyousureyouwanttodothis?”LeviasksmecalmlyonceSamisoutofearshot.
“I’msureIdonotwanttodothis.”IfIhadtotypeacomprehensivelistofthethingsI’dratherdo,I’dneedseveralgigabytesofcloudspace.“Butifshe’sannouncingherretirementandit’simportantforher,wecan’tnotgo,notaftereverythingshe’sdoneforus.”Imassagemytemple,thinkinglonginglyofibuprofen.“Plus,myoldtherapistwouldbeproudofme.”
Hestudiesmeforalongbeat.Thenhenods,once.Icantellhedoesn’tlikethis.“Fine.Butifyou’renotfeelingwell,youtellmeimmediatelyandI’lltakeyouaway.”Hespeaksinanauthoritativewaythatshouldmakemewanttotellhimtoshoveit,but…itdoesn’t.Theopposite,actually.Whatamystery.“Andremembermyhand.”
“Okay,Daddy.”Irealizetheblunderonlyoncethewordsareoutofmymouth.SinceIcan’ttakeitback,Iturnaroundandwalkoutoftheconferencecenter,blushing.Oops.
Whataclusterofaday.Andit’sonlysevenminutespastten.
???
VISUALIZETHIS:YOUstepintoarestaurant,andthehostessguidesyoutoyourparty’stable.It’sroundandfull,butwhenyouandyourcompanionarrivetwochairswillbepulledup,guaranteeinglotsofcozyelbowing.Yay.You’rewelcomedbymanypairsofwideeyes,andgasps,andafew“Mygosh,howlonghasitbeen?”Someareforyou,someforyourcompanion.Someforboth.Yourealizethatasidefromthepersonwhoinvitedyou,noonewasexpectingyou.Doubleyay.
Youwanttofocusoncatchingup,askoldfriendsabouttheirlives,butthere’ssomethingthatnagsatyou.Atinywormslitheringinthebackofyourskull.Ithastodo,youinitiallythink,withthetwopeoplewho’veyettostandtogreetyou,andwiththefactthatyouusedtobeengagedtooneofthem,andtolovetheotherlikeasister.Fair.Thatwouldnagatanyone,right?
Butthenthere’sanextrasomethingcrankingupthetension:almosteveryoneatthetableknowsexactlywhathappenedbetweenyou,yourformerfiancé,andyournot-so-sister.Theyknowhowpoorlyyouleftoff,howyouendeduphavingtofindanotherjob,howmiserableitmadeyou,andeventhoughthey’renotmeanpeople,there’sasenseswarmingaround,asensethatashowisabouttohappen.Ashowthatinvolvesyou.
Youfollowingthis?Good.Becausethere’sonemorelayertothisonion.Itelevatesthisbrunchaboveyourrun-of-the-milltrash-fire,andithastodowithyourcompanion.Hewasn’texactlyafanofyoursthelasttimeyoutwohungoutwiththesepeople,andseeingyouarrivewithhimismakingtheirheadsexplode.Theycannotcompute.Theshowwasalwaysgonnabegood,butnow?Nowit’sfuckingHamilton,baby.
Areyouvisualizingthis?Areyoufeelingthedeepunpleasantnessofthesituationsmackinsideyourbones?Areyouconsideringcrawlingunderthetableandrockingyourselftosleep?Okay.Good.Becauseit’sexactlywhereI’matwhenTimothyWilliamCarsoncomestostandinfrontofmeandsays,“Hi,Bee.”
Iwanttokickhiminthenuts.ButI’msadtoreportthattherearelotsofpairsofeyesonme,andwhileIhaven’tpassedtheLouisianabar,Ifearnut-kickingmightbeconsideredassaultinthisgreatstate.SoIsmilemybestfakesmile,ignorethecrawlingfeelinginthepitofmystomach,andreply,“Hey,Tim.Youlookgreat.”
Hedoesn’t.Helooksokay.Helooksfine.HelookslikeaCuteGuy?whoneedsaDorianGrayportrait,becausehisrottenpersonalityisstartingtoshow.Helooksacceptable,butnothingcomparedtotheguystandingnexttome.Who,bytheway,issaying,“Tim.”
“Levi!What’sup?”
“Notmuch.”
“Wegottastartworkingonthosecollabsagain.”Timpuckershislipsliketheassholeheis.“I’vebeenswamped.”
Levi’ssmilestayson,andwhenTimleansinforabrohug,heacceptsit.
Whichhasmescowling.Whatthehell?IthoughtLeviwasonmyside.Whichsoundsstupidwhensaidoutloud,andunfairofmetoexpect,becauseLeviandIarebarelyfriendsandmybattlesarenothisandhehaseveryrighttoman-hugwhoever….
MytrainofthoughtfadesasInoticeLeviisnotjusthuggingTim.He’salsogrippinghisshoulderstightly,fingersdiggingpainfullyintoTim’sfleshashemurmurssomethinginhisear.Ican’tmakeoutthewords,butbythetimeLevistraightensbackup,Tim’smouthispulledinathin,straightline,hisfaceismilkwhiteinawayIdon’tremembereverseeingbefore,andhisexpressionlooksalmost
IsTimscared?
“I—You—Ididn’tmeanto,”hestammers,butLeviinterruptshim.
“Nicetoseeyouagain,”hesaysinacommanding,dismissivetone.Timmusttakeitaswhatitis:anordertoscurryaway.
“Whatjusthappened?”IwhisperwhileLevipullsoutmychair.Apparently,we’rein1963.
“Look.”HepointsatSam’sfood.“Theyhavequinoabowls.”
“WhydoesTimlookterrified?”
Hegivesmeaninnocentlook.“Hedoes?”
“Levi.Whatdidyousaytohim?”
Leviignoresme.“Sam,doesthatbowlhaveeggsinit?”
Thefirsttwentyminutesaren’tthatbad.Theproblemwithroundtablesisthatyoucan’tfullyignoreanyone’sexistence,butTimandAnniearedistantenoughthatIcanchatwithotherswithoutitbeingtooawkward.Aspectsofthisaregenuinelynice—havingSamaround,hearingthatoldacquaintancesgotmarried,hadkids,foundacademicjobs,boughthouses.OnceinawhileLevi’selbowbrushesagainstmine,remindingmethatI’mnotwhollyalone.There’ssomeoneinmycorner.AguywholovesStarWars,andistootallforspace,andwilltakecareofakittenforhalfhislife.
Thenthere’salullinconversation,andsomeoneasksfromacrossthetable,“Howdidyoutwoendupworkingtogether,anyway?”
Everyonetunesinafterthat.AlleyesareonLeviandme.Sadly,Leviischewingonapotatowedge.SoIsay,“It’sanNIH-NASAcollab,Mike.”
“Ohyeah,right.”Mikelooksabitbuzzed,buthetakesanothersipofhispunch.HewasathirdyearwhenIjoinedthelab.Also:hewasashithead.“But,like,howareyoutwomanagingit?Levi,doyoubleachyourbrainaftereverymeeting,or…?”
Mycheeksburn.Somepeoplechuckle,acouplelaughoutright,andotherslookaway,clearlyembarrassed.Samfrowns,andfromthecornerofmyeyeIseeTimsmirk.IwishIhadawittycomeback,butI’mtoomortifiedbythefactthatLevifindingmedisgustingisstillthelab’sfunniestinsidejoke.Iopenmymouthwithoutknowingwhattosay,and—
“We’redoinggreat,”LevitellsMike,histoneamixofbig-dickcalmandIcouldkillamanwithabeachball.Heleisurelyputshisarmonthebackofmychair,andplucksagrapefrommyplate.Adeafeningsilencefallsatthetable.Everyoneislookingatus.Everyone.“Whataboutyou,Mike?”Leviaskswithoutbotheringtolookupfrommyfood.“Iheardtherewereproblemswithyourtenurepacket.How’sthatcomingalong?”
“Oh,um…”
“Yeah.Ithoughtso.”
Holyshit.Holyshit.Holyshit.IguessLevi’sdoneeatinghispotatoes?
“Outofcuriosity,”hewhispersinmyearoncetheconversationhasmovedalongandMikeislookingdownathisownplate,chastised.“DideveryonethinkthatIhatedyou,backingradschool?Itwasn’tjustyourdelusion?”
“Itwasawidelyknowntruth.”
Hisarmtensesaroundmyshoulders,astightashisjaw.
AfewminuteslaterIexcusemyselftogototherestroom.Ihaveeyemakeupon,butIsay“Screwit”andwashmyfacewithcoldwateranyway.Who’sgoingtobelookingatmyrunnyeyelineranyway?Levi?WeepyMessBeeisnothinghehasn’talreadyseen.
ThenInoticeher.Annie,inthemirror.She’sstandingrightbehindme,waitingformetofinishusingthesink.Excepttherearethreemoresinks,andzerootherpeopleinthebathroom.Somaybeit’sjustmeshe’swaitingfor.
Myheadhurts.Andsodoesmyheart,aroundtheedgesAnniecrackedinittwoyearsago.Ican’ttalktoher.Can’tCan’t.Itakemytimedryingmyfacewithmysleeves.ThenIbuckup,turnaround,andfaceher
She’sstunninglybeautiful.Alwayshasbeen.There’ssomethingindescribableabouther,somethingmagicthatmademehappytobeinherpresence.Oddlyenough,thefeelingisstillthere,amixoffamiliarityandloveandawethatknifesdeepasIstareatherface.SeeingTimagainwaspainful,butit’snothing,nothingcomparedtohavingAnnierighthere.
ForamomentI’mterrified.Shecanhurtmevery,verydeeplywithjustafewchoicewords.Butthenshesays,“Bee,”andIrealizethatshe’scrying.Judgingbytheburninginmyeyes,soamI.
“Hey,Annie.”Iattemptasmile.“Longtimenosee.”
“Yeah,I…yeah.”Shenods.Herlipsaretrembling.“Iloveyourhair.Purplemightbemyfavorite.”
“Thankyou.”Abeat.“Itriedorangelastyear.Ilookedlikeatrafficcone.”Silencestretches,wistful.Itremindsmeofwhenwe’dfilleverysecondtogetherwithchatter.“Well,Ineedto…”Imoveforthedoor,butshestopsmewithahandonmyforearm.
“No—please.Please,Bee,canwejust…”Shesmiles.“Imissedyou.”
Imissedher,too.Imissherallthetime,butIwon’ttellher.BecauseIhateher.Meandmymultitudes.
“I’vebeenlisteningtothatalbumyougavemealot.EventhoughI’mstillnotsureIlikeit.AndlastyearIwenttoDisneylandandtherewasthisnewStarWarsparkandIthoughtofyou.AndIhaven’tbeenabletomakefriendsinSchreiber’slabbecausethey’realldudes.TotalWurstFest?.Exceptfortwogirls,butthey’rebestfriendsalready,andIdon’tthinktheylikememuch,and…”She’scryinghardernow,butalsolaughinginthatself-deprecatingwaythatissoAnnie.“So,youandLevi,huh?He’sevenhotterthanbackatPitt.”
Ishakemyhead.“It’snotlikethat.”
“Youprobablymadeallhisdreamscometrue.HelookshappierthanI’veeverseenhim.NotthatI’dseenhimhappy,likeever,beforetoday.”
Acoldshiverrunsdownmyspine.Ihavenoideawhatshe’stalkingabout.“Actually,Levihatedme,”Isaystubbornly.
“Idoubtit.Notbyanydefinitionofthatterm.Hejustreally—”Sheshakesherheadfirmly.“Thisisn’twhatIcametotalkabout,Idon’tknowwhyI’mgoingonaboutstuffthat…”Shetakesadeepbreath.“I’msorry.”
Icouldpretendnottoknowwhatshe’sapologizingfor.IcouldpretendthatIdidn’tthinkabouthereverydayforthelasttwoyears.IcouldpretendthatIdon’tmissthewaywe’dmakeeachotherlaughuntilourabsached,butitwouldbeexhausting,andeventhoughit’selevenfifteeninthemorning,Iamalreadysoverytired.
“Why?”Iask.AquestionIrarelyallowmyselfwhenitcomestoAnnie.“Whydidyoudoit?”
“Idon’tknow.”Hereyesclose.“Idon’tknow,Bee.I’vebeentryingtofigureitoutforyears.Ijust…don’tknow.”
Inod,becauseIbelieveher.IneverdoubtedAnnie’sloveforme.
“MaybeIwasjealous?”
“Jealous?”
Sheshrugs.“Youwerebeautiful.Thebestinthelab.Withtheglamorousglobe-trottingpast.Youwerealwaysgoodateverything,alwaysso…sohappyandcoolandfun.Youmadeitseemeffortless.”
Iwasneveranyofthosethings.Notbyalongshot.ButIthinkofLevi—impenetrable,cold,arrogantLevi,whoturnedoutnottobeimpenetrable,cold,arrogantatall.Beingsodramaticallymisunderstooddoesn’tseemthatunlikely
“AndyouandTim…YouandIwerealwaystogether,butintheend,you’dgohometoTimandI’dbealone,andtherewasthis…thingthatIwasneverpartof.”
“Wereyoutryingto…topunishme?”
“No!No,Iwasjusttryingtofeel…morelikeyou.”Sherollshereyes.“AndbecauseI’madumbass,Ipickedtheworstpartofyoutodothat.FuckingTim.”Sheletsoutabubbly,moistlaugh.“Wenever…Itlastedaweekbetweenus.AndI—Ineverlikedhim,youknowit.Idespisedhim.Youweresomuchbetterthanhim,andeveryoneknewit.Iknewit.Heknewit,too.ThemomentIdidit,whileIwasdoingit—Ithoughtofyouthewholetime.Andnotjustbecausehewasalousylay.Ikeptwonderingifdoingsuchanunspeakablybadthingwould…elevateme,somehow.Makememorelikeyou.God,Iwasmessedup.Istillam.”Shewipeshertearswithtwofingers.There’salreadymore,flowingdown.“Iwantedtoapologize.Butyoublockedmynumber,andItoldmyselfI’dgiveyouspaceandseeyouatVanderbilt.Thenthesummerpassed,andyouweren’tthere…”Sheshakesherhead.“I’msosorry.I’msosorry,andIthinkaboutiteveryday,and—”
“I’msorry,too.”
Shegivesmeanincredulouslook.“Youhavenothingtobesorryabout.”
“Imaynothavefuckedyourfiancé,butI’msorryIwasn’tthereforyouwhenyoufeltlikeyouweren’tgoodenough.Youweremybestfriend,butIalwaysthoughtyouwere…invincible.”
Wearequietuntilshesays,“Thisisinnowaymeantasself-congratulatory,butI’mgladyoudidn’tmarryTim.I’mgladyou’rewithLevi.He’sthekindofpersonyoudeserve.”
Idon’tseethepointincontradictingher.NotwhenIagreewitheverythingshe’ssaid,includingthingsthataren’tquitetrue.SoInodandmaketoleave.
“Bee?”shecalls.
Iturn.
“WouldyouminditifItextedyou,onceinawhile?”
Ishouldprobablybethinkingbigthoughtsaboutforgiveness,andpunishment,andself-preservation.Ishouldthrowthequestionbackatherandaskifshe’dletmetextherifoursituationswerereversed.Ishouldreflectonthiswhenmybrainisnotamushymess.ButIforgetallthe“shoulds,”andtellherthefirstthingtocrossmyheart.“Wecouldtry.”
Shenods,relieved.
Leviisoutsidethebathroom,ahulkingmountainleaningagainstthewall.Idon’thavetoasktoknowthathesawAnniecomeafterme,anddecidedtofollowincaseIneededhim.Idon’thavetolieorreassurehimthatI’mfineevenasIwipemycheeks.Idon’thavetoexplainanything.
IcanjustnodwhenheasksifI’mreadytogo,andtakehishandwhenheoffersit.16
SUBTHALAMICNUCLEUS:INTERRUPTIONS
IWAKEUPfromafour-hourstress-napasLevimergesontotheinterstateforthelaststretchofthetrip,andBLINKisinstantlyonmymind.“Aboutthefrequencytrains,Iwonderifwecouldtakeadvantageofthemagnetothermal—”Somethingsplatteredonthesideoftheroadcatchesmyeye.“What’sthat?”
“Wow.”Levi’stoneisforcefullycheerful.“Checkoutthatfarmontheright!”
“Butwhat’sthatonthe—Ohno.”
“Ididn’tseeanything.”
“Isitadeadraccoon?”
“No.”
“Yes,itwas!”Istartcrying.Again.Fortheseventhtimeinforty-eighthours.You’dthinkmylacrimalductswouldhaverunnethover,butnope.“Poorbaby.”
“Youknowwhat?Itwasaraccoon,butithadclearlydiedofoldage.”
“What?”
“Inthatveryspot.Hediedpeacefullyinhissleep,thensomeoneranhimover.Nothingtobesadabout.”Iglareathim.AtleastI’mnotcryinganymore.“Whatwereyousayingaboutleveragingmagnetothermalproperties?”
“You’refullofshit.”Iliftmylegs,kickhisforearm,andthenlaymyfootontheglovecompartment.Hiseyesfollowmyeverymovement,lingerbrieflyonmybareknees.“Butthankyou.Forbabysittingmyfeelingsthisweekend.Fornotlettingmefree-fallintoapitofdespair.IpromiseI’mgoingtoreverttoadultstatus.Startingnow.”
“Finally,”hedeadpans.
Ilaugh.“Forreal—whatdidyoutellTim?”
“Isaidhi.Askedhowhewas.”
“Comeon.Youwerespeakingintohisear.”
“Justwhisperingsweetnothings.”
Isnort.“Wouldn’tbesurprising.Youmightbetheonlypersoninthelabhedidn’tcheatonmewith.”HislongfingersgripthesteeringwheelandIinstantlyregretmywords.“Hey,Iwasjoking.Iactuallydon’tcaremuchanymore.WouldImindseeingTimbentintwowithaseverehemorrhoidattack?Nope.ButneitherwouldIgooutofmywaytostabhim.WhichIdidn’tknowbeforethisweekend,andthat’s…freeing.”Liberating,thisalmost-indifference.ItmakesmemuchhappierthantheresentmentIharboredforyears.AndtheconversationwithAnnie…Ihaven’tprocessedityet,butmaybethisweekendwaslessofawastethanIthought.ExceptthatI’mlow-keypanickingaboutmyjobagain.“WhateveryoutoldTim…thankyou.Itwasnicetoseehimalmostshithispants.”
Heshakeshishead.“Youshouldn’tthankme.Itwasselfish.”
“Whatdidhedotoyou?Didhesneakbaconintoyoursandwich?Becausethat’stotallyhissignaturemove—”
“No.”Hepresseshislipstogether,staringattheroad.“Heliedtome.”
“Oh,yeah.”Inodknowingly.“Hisothersignaturemove.”
ThelocalNPRfillsthesilence.SomethingaboutRachmaninoff.UntilLevisays,“Bee,I…I’mnotsureIshouldbetellingyouthis.Buthidingthingsfromyouhasn’tworkedoutinourfavor.Andyouaskedmetobehonest.”
“Idid.”Istudyhim,unsurewherehe’sheading.
“WhenyouandIfirstmet,”hesaysslowly,carefullyweighinghiswords,“Ihadissuestalkingtopeople.Aboutcertainthings.”
“Like…aphasia?”
Hesmiles,shakinghishead.“Notquite.”
Itrytothinkbacktofifth-yearLevi—heseemedlargerthanlife,indomitable,whip-smart.Thenagain,Annieseemedinvincible,andIapparentlyseemedeffortless.Gradschoolreallyscrewedusup,didn’tit?“Inevernoticedit.Youwerecapable,self-assured,andgotalongwithmostpeople.”Imullitover.“Exceptforme,ofcourse.”
“I’mnotexplainingmyselfwell.Ihadnoissuestalkingtonormalpeople.Myissueswere…withyou.”
Iscowl.“AreyousayingthatI’mnotnormal?”
Helaughssilently.“You’renotnormal.Nottome.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Iturnintheseattofacehim,notsurewhyhe’sinsultingmeagain,aftertwodaysofbeingincrediblylovely.Ishehavingarelapse?“JustbecauseyouthoughtIwasuglyorunlikable,itdoesn’tmeanthatIwasn’tnormal—”
“Ineverthoughtofyouasugly.”Hishandstightenevenmorearoundthewheel.“Never.”
“Comeon.Thewayyoualwaysactedwas—”
“Theopposite,infact.”
Ifrown.“Whatdoyoueven—”Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Doeshemeanthat—?No.Impossible.Hewouldn’t.Wouldhe?Evenifwe…Hecan’tpossiblybeimplyingthat.Canhe?
“I—”Mymindgoesblankforasplitsecond—complete,utterwhite-outvoid.I’msuddenlyfrozennumb,soIleanforwardtoturnofftheAC.Ihavenocluehowtoanswerhim.Howtostopmyheartfrombeatingoutofmythroat.“Doyoumeanthatyou…?”
Henods.
“Youdidn’t…youdidn’tevenletmefinishthesentence.”
“Whateveryou’reimagining,fromthetamesttothemost…inappropriatethoughts,that’sprobablywheremymindwasat.”Heswallowsvisibly.Iwatchhisthroatmove.“Youwerealwaysinmyhead.AndIcouldnevergetyouout.”
Iturntothewindow,scarlet.There’snouniverseinwhichI’mparsinghiswordscorrectly.Thisisamisunderstanding.I’mhavingsomeneurologicalevent.AndallIwanttoaskis,Whataboutnow?AmIstillinyourhead?“YoualwaysstaredatmelikeIwassomeobscenemonstrosity.”
“Itriednottostare,but…itwasn’teasy.”
“No.No,you—thedress.Youhatedmeinthatdress.Mybluedress,theonewith—”
“Iknowwhatdress,Bee.”
“Youknowbecauseyouhatedit,”Isayinapanic.
“Ididn’thateit.”Hiswordsarequiet.“Itjusttookmebysurprise.”
“MyTargetdresstookyoubysurprise?”
“No,Bee.My…reactiontoyouwearingitdid.”
Ishakemyhead.Thiscannotbetrue.“Youwouldn’tevensitnexttome.”
“Itwashardtothinkwhenyouwereclose.”Hisvoiceishusky.
“No.No!Yourefusedtocollaboratewithme.YoutoldTimheshouldmarrysomeonebetter,youavoidedmelikethebubonicplague—”
“Timwarnedmeoff.”
Iturntohim.“What?”
“Heaskedmetobackoffandleaveyoualone.”
“He…”IcovermymouthandimagineTim,veryaverage-sizedTim,confrontingLevi,anot-so-gentlebison.“Howdidhe…?”
“HetoldmeyouknewthatIwas…interested.ThatIwasmakingyouuncomfortable.Thatyoufoundmeunpleasant.”Levi’sthroatworks.“HeaskedmetoavoidyouasmuchasIcould.AndIdid.Inaway,itwaseasier.”
“Easier?”
Heshrugswithaself-deprecatingsmile.“Just…wantingandnothaving,itcangetunbearable.Quicklyso.”Hewetshislips.“Ididn’tknowwhattosayanyway.Youhavetounderstand,peopledon’ttalkaboutthethingstheyfeelwhereIcomefrom.Igotreallytongue-tiedaroundyou—leadingyouandeveryoneelsetobelievethatIdespisedyou,apparently.I…Ihadnoidea.Ioweyouanapologyforthat.”
Ican’tbelievewhathe’ssaying.Ican’tbelievewhatI’mhearing.Ican’tbelieveTimknewandsuccessfullymanipulatedLeviintostayingawaywhilehescrewedhiswaythroughPitt’sstudentbody.
“Whyareyoutellingthistome?Whynow?”
Helooksatme,seriousandearnestlikeonlyLeviWardcouldeverbe,andsomethingsurgesintome.Somethingpainfulanddelightfulandconfusing.Somethingbreathtakingandspellbinding,richandfrightening.Notafullyformedfeeling,butanearlydraftofit.It’sonthebackofmythroatandonthetipofmytongue.Iwanttogetagraspofitstastebeforeit’sgone.Iamreachingout,almosttherewhenLevisays,“Bee,I—”
Myphonerings.Igroaninfrustrationandreliefandscrambletopickup.“Hello?”
“Bee,thisisBorisCovington.”Huh?“AreyouandLeviback?”
IglanceatGoogleMaps.“We’reabouttenminutesout.”
“CouldyoubothcometotheDiscoveryBuildingassoonasyougetin?”
“Sure.”Ifrown,switchingtospeakerphone.“DoesthishavetodowithBLINK?”
“No.Well,yes.Butonlyindirectly.”Borissoundstiredandalmost…embarrassed?LeviandIexchangealongglance.
“What’sthisabout?”
Borissighs.“It’saboutMs.JacksonandMs.Cortoreal.Please,comeinassoonasyoucan.”
Levipressesonthegaspedal.
???
ILOOKAROUNDBoris’sofficeandblinkatleastfourtimesbeforeasking,“Whatdoyoumean,‘sexualintercourseisforbiddeninworkareas’?”
Boris’sskin’sevenredderthanusual,andheretreatsfartherintohisdesk.“ExactlywhatIsaid.It’s—”
“Bee’snotmymotherandI’mnotaminor,”Rocíoproclaimsfromoneoftheguestchairs.“ThisconversationisaHIPAAviolation.”
Borispinchesthebridgeofhisnose.He’sclearlybeenatthisforawhile.“HIPAArulesapplytomedicalrecords,nottoyoubeingcaughthavingsexinyouroffice.Which,justlikeeveryotherspaceinthebuilding,isvideo-surveilledtwenty-four-sevenbecauseofthehigh-securityprojectsithouses.Now,noneedtoworryaboutthat,Guyisasecurityadminandhasagreedtodeleteallfootage.ButBeeisyourdirectsupervisor,justlikeLeviisMs.Jackson’s,andbecauseofthedisciplinaryactionsrequiredwhenNASAemployeesengageinactivitiessuchas…intercourseinworkspaces,theyneedtobeinformed.”
IglanceatLevi.Hisfaceisablankvoid.I’mpositivethatinsidehe’srollingwithlaughterlikeaporkinmud.Positive
“Sorry.”Iscratchthebackofmyneck.“Justtobeclear,youtwowerehavingintercoursewith…”
“Witheachother,”Rocíotellsmeproudly.
Inod.NexttoRocío,Kayleeappearsenrapturedbyherownpinknailpolish.Shehasn’tlookedupsincewecamein.
“Um…”Ihavenoideawhattosay.Zero.Nada.MaybeDr.Curieleftbehindhelpfultipstohandlesimilarsituations?Ifonlyhernotesweren’ttooradioactivetobetouchedbeforetheyear3500.MaybeIcangototheBibliothèqueNationalewithahazmatsuitand—
“Iwon’twriteupacomplaint,”Borissays,“andItrustBeeandLeviwilltakecareof…”HegesturesvaguelyattwoofthesmartestwomenI’veevermet,whomustbegoingthroughaspellofnymphomania.“ButIbegyouonmyknees.Don’tdoanythingsimilareveragain.”
“Thankyou,Boris,”Isay,hopingIsoundasgratefulasIfeel.
Thewalktotheoutsideofthebuildingisdeadlysilent—untilweformacircleandstareatoneanotherwithvaryinglevelsofhostility(Rocío),mortification(Kaylee),andpoorlyhiddenamusement(Levi).IhopeIlookneutral.Iprobablydon’t.
“So…thathappened,”Istart.
Rocíonods.“Suredid.”
“HowdidBoriseven…findyou?”
“Guycameintoourofficelookingforsomething,foundusonyourdesk,rattedusout.”
“Onmy—whydidyouhavetodoitonmy—”Istop.Takeadeepbreath.“Tobeclear.”Ilookbetweenthem.“Thiswas…consensual?”
“Very,”theyanswerinunison,lockingeyesandsmilinglikeidiots.
Iclearmythroat.“Isthereanythingyou’dliketoadd?”IaskLevi,meaningpleasehelp,butheshakeshishead,bitinghisliptoavoidsmiling.Hefails.
“Okay.Well.It’snoneofourbusinesswhatyouguysdo.”
“ForthefirsttimeinmylifeIagreewithyou,”Rocíosays.
“Really?Forthefirsttime?”Shenods.Ungratefullittlegremlin.“Ifyou’rehappyaboutthis,soarewe.Butplease,don’t,um,haveintercourseinfrontofcameras.Unlessyou’remakingasextape,”Irushtoadd,“inwhichcasejust…don’tdoitinpublicplaces?”
Kayleenodssilently,lookingasmidgelessmortified.Rocíorollshereyes.“Whatever.”ShetakesKaylee’shandanddragsheraway.“You’renotmyrealmother,Bee!”sheyellswithoutturningaround.
LeviandIwatchthemwalkawayinthelateafternoonsunlight.Whenthey’rejustlittledotsonthestreet,hetellsme,“Thatwasexcellentpracticeforwhenwe’llhaveteenagedaughters.”
Myheartskips.Hedoesn’tmeantogether,idiot.“They’reyoung.Theirfrontallobesarenotfullydevelopedyet.”
Hetakesthecarkeysoutofhispocketanddanglestheminfrontofmyface.“Wanttoprocessthetraumaofourtwenty-three-year-oldsrole-playingontopofyourMarieCuriemousepadwhileItakeyouhome?”
“TheybetterbegoingtoKaylee’splace.”
“Why?”
“ThewallsbetweenmyapartmentandRocío’sareverythin.”
“Youshouldinvestinnoise-cancelingheadphones.”Hetugsmetowardthecar.“OrderonlinewhileIdrive.”
???
“ITJUSTSEEMSfar-fetched,”Isayinthepassengerseat.“Firstofall,Rocío’sinarelationship.Oh—Iwonderifthey’repoly?”
“ShouldwebediscussingourRAs’lovelives?”
“I’dnormallysayno,butthembumpingugliesonmydeskautomaticallygrantsusawaiver.”
Hecontemplatesit.“Fair.”
“And—thosetwoaresodifferentfromeachother.”
“Youthinkthat’saproblem?”
Itmightnotbe.Theymightproducewell-roundedchildrenwhoknowhowtoapplyraccoon-styleeyelinerandglitter.“Okay,it’snot.ButRocíodislikedKaylee.ShekeptclammingupwheneverKayleewasaround.Shemadeanentirelistofthingsshehatedabouther.”
Levihalfsmiles.“Yousureaboutthat?”
“Yeah.Shetoldmethat—”IrecallwhatLevitoldmelessthanonehouragoandshutmymouth.IforgotwhenBoris’scallsentmeintoemergencymode,butnowit’sallback,swirlingaroundtheforefrontofmybrain,andwiththatmyheartisheavyinmythroat,aliquidwarmthinthepitofmystomach,thesenseofbeingonaprecipice.Icouldbefalling.Iwillbefalling,fastandhard,ifonlyItakeonestepforwardandletmyself—
Athoughthitsme.Smackinthehead.Likeafreighttrain.
Igasp.“I’vegotit.”
Levipullsintomydriveway.“Whatdidyousay?”
“Igotit!”
“Got…what?”
“Thehelmet.BLINK.Iknowhowtofixthecompatibilityissue—doyouhavepaper?Whydon’tyouhavepaperinyourstupidcar?”
“It’sarental—”
“Myapartment!Ihavepaperupthere!”Thecarhasn’tfullystopped,butIjumpoutandrunupstairsanyway.Iunlockthedoor,huntdownapenandnotebook,andstartscribblingasfastasmyfingerswillgo,pitifullyoutofbreath.AminutelaterIhearstepsbehindmeandLeviclosingthedoorIleftopen.Oops.
“I’massumingyouwantedmetofollowyouin,butifnot—”
“Look.”Ipushthenotebookunderhisnose.“We’regoingtodothis.Lookatthis.”
Heblinksafewtimes.“Bee,Idon’tthinkthisis…English.”
Iturnthenotebookaround.Shit,IwroteinGerman.“Okay—don’tlookatthis.Justlistentome.Anddon’tbescared.We’vebeenhavingissueswiththeswitchboard,right?We’vebeentryingtofixit,but…whatifwejustbypassit?”
“Butthedifferentfrequencies—”
“Right.That’swhereI’mgoingtoscareyou.”
“Scareme?”
“Yes.”Imakeroomonthetable,andstartsketchingadiagram.“Butdon’tbescared.”
“I’mnotscared.”
“Good.Stayunscared.”
“I—WhywouldIbescared?”
“BecauseofwhatI’mabouttoshowyou.Whichyoumightfindscary.”Itapthebackofthepenonthetopofmydiagram.“Okay.Weremovetheswitchboard.”Idrawacrossonit.“Webuildseparatecircuits.Andthenweleveragethemagnetothermalpropertiesofeachone—”
“—forspeed.”Levi’seyesarewide.“Andifwehaveseparatecircuits—”
“—wecanrelyonthewirelessremote.”Igrinathim.“Willitwork?”
Hebitesintohislowerlip,staringatthediagram.“Thewiringwillbetricky.Andisolatingeachcircuit.Butifweworkaroundthat…”Heturnstomewithawide,breathlessgrin.“Thiscouldwork.Itcouldreallywork.”
“AnditwillbesomuchbetterthanwhatMagTechisdoing.”
“We’dhaveafinalprototypein…weeks.Days.”Herubshismouth.“Thisisafantasticidea.”
Ijumpupanddownexcitedly.It’sobnoxious,butIcan’tstopmyself.WheredoesallthisenergygowhenItrytorun?“AmIagenius,orwhat?”
Heshakeshisheadevenashesays,“Youare.”
“Shouldwegotothelab?Startworkingonit?”
“Beforethecleaningcrewhasachancetodisinfectyourdesk?”
“Goodpoint.ButIneedtodosomething.”
Hesmilesfondly.“Maybeyoucankeepjumpingupanddown?”
“I’mstartingtogettired,actually.”
“Okay,then…”Heshrugs,andbeforeIknowwhat’sgoingonI’minhisarmsandhe’sspinningmearound,mylegswrappedaroundhiswaistandhishandsonmythighs.
Ilaugh.IlaughlikeI’mhappy.Whataweekend.I’mafeather.I’minvincible.I’mdoingscience.I’mhavingfun.I’mbuildingthings,useful,importantthings.I’mfacingdemonsfrommypast.I’mbeingwhirledaroundwhenI’mtootiredtodoitmyself.I’mbubbling,exhilarated,brave.I’mthemostmyselfandnotmyselfatall.I’mtighteningmyhandsaroundLevi’sneck,andwhenheslowsdownI’maskinghim,“Areyougoingtokissme?”
Noideawherethatcamefrom.ButI’mnotsorryit’soutthere.
Hissmiledoesn’tfalter,butheshakeshishead.“Idon’tthinkso,”hesaysquietly.Strandsofpurplehairbrushagainsthisforehead.Hischeeks.Weareclose,soclose.Hesmellssogood.
“Why?”
“BecauseI’mnotsureyouwantmetokissyou.”
“Oh.”Inod.Myhairtickleshisnose.Hescrunchesit,andIlaugh.“WhatifItoldyouthatIdo?Wouldyoukissmethen?”
“Istilldon’tthinkso,”hesayscalmly.Seriously.
Mysmilefades.Oh,shit.Shit,Imadeamess.“Youdon’twantto?”Myvoiceissmall,insecure.Heshakeshishead.
“That’snotit.”
Itmustbe.Whatelse?“Right.”I’vebeeninhisarmsforawhile,butsuddenlyIfeelself-conscious.He’snotokaywiththis.Heusedtobeattractedtome,butnotanymore.I’moverstepping.“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeantogotoofar.”
“Youdon’tunderstand,Bee.”Asmallsmile.Ourforeheadstouch,hisskinwarmagainstmine.Ireally,reallywantakissfromthisman.Iwantitbadenoughtoburn.“Youcan’tgotoofar.”
“Thenwhy…?”
Hiseyesflutterclosed.Hislipsmovecloser.“I’mterrifiedthatyouwon’tgofarenough.”
WhenTimkissedherforthefirsttime—afterascreeningof2001:ASpaceOdyssey,whichIlaterfoundouthesleptthrough—eighteen-year-oldBeecalledhersistertosayshe’dhadtheloveliestofkisses.Buteighteen-year-oldBeewasafool.Eighteen-year-oldBeehadnoidea.Eighteen-year-oldBeeoverratedthatTimwasn’toverlyclumsyandbrushedhisteeth.Andtwenty-eight-year-oldBeewouldconsidergoingbackintimetoslapherupsidethehead,butshe’sbusyhavingareal,true,actual,honest-to-Godgoodkiss.
Thebestkiss.
Ithastodowithhowslowitstarts.WiththewayLeviandIbreatheagainsteachotherforamoment,justbreatheandtastetheairbetweenus.Itshouldfeelridiculous,butthere’ssomethinguniqueabouthowhelooksatmymouthfromloweredeyelashes.WrappedaroundhimlikeIam,Icanfeelhispoundingheartbeat,theheatofhisskin,andsuddenlyI’mnotscaredanymore.Hewantsthis—hewantsme.Iknowitintheliquid,messywarmthofmyabdomen,intheredspreadingoverhischeekbones,inhisbreathing,evenfasterandlouderthanmine.
“Bee.”
Thetensionstretchessounbearablytight,wemightaswellbeondifferentsidesoftheworld.SoIclosethedistance,andthenit’snotslowanymore.It’shardandfastandopen-mouthed.Wetandpressingandhalfbites.It’smessy,theleastsmoothkissofmylife—butmaybeit’snotakissatall.Justtwopeopletryingtobeascloseaspossible.Hishandsareslidingupmyass.Mynailsareinhisscalp.Hegruntschoppy,surprisedpraiseintomythroat—“Yeah.Yeah.”—licksthedipofmycollarbone,andI’monfire,halfaminuteofthisandI’malreadyaflame,pulsatingwithwantandneed.Ihavenobrakes:Igrindmyselfhelplesslyagainsthim,mynippleshardagainsthischest,hishardabstheperfectslateformycoretorubon.
“Youareso—”Hegroansdeep,likehe’shalfwaytoinsane.I’mtoobusydesperatelyseekingfrictiontoeventrytokeepupwithmyendofthekiss,butit’sokay.He’sgotme.Hislargepalmcomesup,wrapsaroundmyneck,anglesmyheadsharply,justso.Histongueisinsidemymouth,pressingagainstmine,and…
Dirty.Thisisnotakiss—thisisdirty.Obscene.Hepushesmeagainstthewall,andIpushback,andback,andback,liketherecanbenoairbetweenus.Hishandundermyshirtispossessive,confident,solargethatitcompletelyspansmyribcage,andIarchup,swallowingawhimperinthebackofmythroat.Myheadisspinning,mybodyismelting,Icanhearbells,and—
Notbells.Aphone.Ringing.ItslowlypenetratesthethickhazeofLevimouthingmybreasts,leavingawettrailovermyT-shirt—GodohGod.“Yourphone,”Iwhisper,forcingmyselftostillmyhips.It’stheloudestmyvoicewillgo.Thenoneofhishandsslipsinsidethebackofmypanties,andhestartsgrindingmeupanddownonhisabs,andIforgetwhatImeanttosay.It’stheexactspot,theexactrhythmI’dbeentryingtoreach.Helearnedit,andhe’shelpingmekeepitup,fingersdiggingintothefleshofmyass.Aperfectthrust.Hegrowls,andIwhimperatthespearofpleasure.Myeyesrollinthebackofmyhead,and…Yes.Rightagainst—Yes
There.
“Levi,”Igasp.“Yourphone—doyoumaybewantto—oh—pickup?”Orwecanjustcontinueuntiltheachedisappears.Yes,thatwouldbelovely.Andstoppingwouldbeunbearable.Isthathiscockrubbingagainstmyass?No.Impossible.Noone’sthatbig,right?
Thephoneisstillringing.I’mallaboutignoringit,butLevi—IrealizethatLeviisnotignoringit.Leviismakinghiswayundermyshorts,suckingonthespotundermyear,andnotevenhearingit.
“Levi.”Hedoesn’tquitesnapoutofit.Hedoesn’tpullback,doesn’tmovehismouthfrommyskin,buthestops.Hisgriptightensaroundme.Achild,reluctanttoletgoofafavoritetoy.“Yourphone.Doyouwantto…?”
Hiseyesareglassy.Hishandsnotfullysteadyasheletsgoofme,gingerly,withdifficulty.Iwatchhimtrytocollecthimselfforlongsecondsbeforehepicksup.“Ward.”
Heiswinded,chestmovingupanddown.Hepalmshiserectionlikeithurts,allthewhilestaringatme,me,onlyme.Thenhelooksawayandhisdemeanorabruptlychanges.“Saythatagain?”Thespeakerontheotherendisfemale.Ican’tmakeoutthewords,butIrecognizethevoicefrombefore.Fromthepictureinhisoffice.“Yeah,ofcourse,”Levisaysreassuringly.Hisvoiceisstillhusky,butsoft.Caring.Intimate.Heturnsaroundandgivesmehisback,likeI’mnothereanymore.Theyusedtodate,anaggingvoiceprovides.WhatyoujustdidwithLevi?Heusedtodoitwithher.Andmuchmore.
“I’llberightthere.”
Reality’scatchingupfast.Ijust—Ididthat.Ihaven’tbeenthisclosetoanotherhumanbeinginyears,andnow—withLevi.Ilikedit,too.Iforgotmyselfandprobablyalldecency,butmaybehedidn’t?He’sleavinginthemiddleofit.Becauseofaphonecall.Fromafriend.Whomheusedtodate.Shit.Shit—
“Bee?”Ilookup.Hiseyesareablaze.Hisjeanstented.Okay—heisthatbig.“Ineedtogo.”Histhroatbobsbeforeandafterhesaysit.Hedoesn’tseemfullyincontrol.CouldIconvincehimtostay,ifItried?
Probablynot.Iwon’t,anyway.“Ofcourse.”
“Iwould…”
“It’sokay.”
“Iwill…”
“Yeah,youcan…”
“Yes.”
I’venocluewhathe’stryingtosay,andIseriouslydoubtheknowswhatImean,sinceIhavenoideamyself.We’retalkingovereachother.Justlikewewereallovereachother.BaDumTss.
Onelastglanceandheleaves.He’shalfwaydownthestairswhenInoticethecarkeysonthetable,ontopofthediagramIdrew.Igrabthemandrunafterhim.“Hey,youforgotyourkeys!”
Hestopsonthelandingandholdsouthishand,soIgotohimanddropthemintohispalm.Iexpecthimtoleaverightafter,buthesurprisesmebysteppingcloser.Thencloserstill.
Forlongmomentshejustlooksatme,eyesfullofbeautiful,undecipherablegreenthings.Mythroatconstricts,mystomachtwists,andIwanttotellhimthatI’msorry,thatit’sokay,thatIknowhemadeamistake,thatweneverneedtotalkaboutthis,neveragain.ButbeforeIcansayanything,hecupsmycheekandleansdowntokissmeoncemore.
Thistimeit’ssweet,slow,savoring.Patient.Thistimeit’slingeringandgentle—everythingourotherkisswasn’t.
Iwanttotrythemall.AllthekissesLeviWardiscapableof,Iwanttosamplethemlikefinewine.
Itouchmylips,feelhisresidualwarmth,anddon’ttakemyeyesoffhisbackashedisappears.17
PULVINAR:REACHING&GRASPING
From:Levi-ward@nasa.gov
To:BLINK-CORE-ENGINEERING@MAILSERV,Bee-Koenigswasser@nasa.gov
Re:BLINK—Monday
I’llbetakingpersonaltimeandIwon’tbeinatalltoday(Monday).Iuploadedthreedesignsforyoutoworkon.Beecameupwithagreatsolutiontothehardware/softwareincompatibilityissues,andIwanttofinalizeitsimplementationASAP.Reachmeviatextifyouhavequestions.
LW
Ireadtheemailfortheseventhtime,andfortheseventhtimeImarvelthatIwasgivencreditformyidea.GoestoshowhowlowthebarisforcisdudesinSTEM,doesn’tit?Thankyou,OhPenisedOverlords,fortherecognitionIdeserve.
NotthatI’mnotgratefulheintroducedtheidea,sinceI’mnotsurehisunderlingswouldhavetakenitseriouslyifitcamefromme.RememberJune1903,whentheRoyalInstitutioninvitedDr.Curietogivealectureandthendidn’tallowhertolecturebecauseofherinferiorladybrain?Pierreendedupspeakingforher,eventhoughshewassittingintheaudience.
Anyway:themorethingschange,themoretheystaythesame.SausageReferencing?isstillathing,andsometimesIgetangryatmyselfforthewayIacceptit.
SometimesIgetangryatmyselfforotherthings.LikethefactthatIshouldbeworking,insteadofcheckingmyphonetoseeifLevitexted.OrthefactthatI’mupsethehasn’t.OrthefactthatsuddenlyIcaretobeupdatedaboutwhathe’sdoingeverysecondofeveryminuteofeveryday.
It’snotmybusiness,anyway.Hehasstufftodo.Withhisex.MaybeifTimhadn’tcheatedonmeforanumberofyearsthatcannotbecountedonthefingersofonehandIwouldn’tthinktwiceaboutthis.ButLevi’slackofanexplanationhasmewonderingwhetherhe’shidingsomething.Don’tgetmewrong—I’mawarethatourkissmeantnothingtohim.Sohehadacrushonmeingradschool?Bigdeal.It’sbeensixyears.Lotsofthingschangeddramaticallyinthepastsixyears.ThewritingonGameofThrones.Theimportanceofhandsanitizer.Myopinionsonduckpenises.Butitwasstillakiss.IfLevi’sinarelationshipwithsomeoneelse…yikes.IsheTim2.0?No,he’snotthatverminous.Hewouldn’t.Butaren’tallmenthesame?
Ismyheadexploding?
“AreyoupicturingmeandKaydoingit?”
Istartle.Rocíoissittingatherdesk,blackDr.Martensproppednexttoherkeyboardandapinklollipopinhermouth.“Howlonghaveyoubeenhere?”
“Like,fiveminutes.Youwerestaringintothedistancewithaweirddeer-in-the-headlightsexpression,so…”Shestopssuckingwithaloudpop.“So,wasitmeandKay?Onyourdesk?”
“I’mprettysurethisissexualharassment.”
“Idon’tmind.”
“No,youareharassingme—”Isighandshakemyhead.She’simpossible.Iwanttoadoptherandkeepherinmylifeforever.“Iseverythingokay?”
Shenods,stickingthelollipopbackintohermouth.
“Isthat…strawberry?”
“Bubblegum.Kaygaveittome.”
“Kay,huh?”
“Yup.”
Iclearmythroat.“Iwasthinkingaboutarecentconversationwehad,inwhichyoutoldmeyouweren’texactlyafanof…Kay,and—”
Rocío’sbootshitthefloor.Hard.“Iloveher,”shedeclares.“She’sperfect.IwanthertobemybeautifulCaliforniaBridewithpinkribbonsinherhair.Iwanttogiveherbubblebathsthatsmelllikecottoncandy.Iwanttobuyherfruitycocktailswithlittleumbrellasinthem.”Sheleansforward,pinningmewithhergaze.“Iwillwearglitterforher,Bee.Blackglitter.”
I’malittleoutofbreathattheintensity.“DoesAlexknow?”
“Ibrokeupwithhim.Toldhimhewasn’tpinkenough.”Sheshrugs.“Hebarelycares.”
Igrin.“I’msohappyforyou.”
Shesobersup.“Don’tbe.Lifeispainandthenyoudie.”
“Ah,yes.Iforgot.”
“Anyway.It’smoreimportantthaneverthatIgetintoJohnsHopkins’sneuroprogram,sincethat’swhereKay’sgoing.SowedecidedtoredirectthetimeandeffortswespentonGREpreptoGREdestruction.”
“Destruction?”
“We’rejoining#FairGraduateAdmissions.It’sawholemovementnow.Peoplearefundraising,buildingawareness,pressuringgradprogramstodropthetest.We’regoingtohelporganize.”There’sasavagegleaminhereyes.“I’vespenthundredsofdollarsandhoursonthattest,Bee.Hundreds.Iwillgetmyrevenge—especiallyafterthatstupidChronicleofHigherEdarticle.”
Ihavenoideawhatarticleshe’stalkingabout,butIfinditeasily.It’sanop-edbyaBenjaminGreen—who,aquickGooglesearchinformsme,isaVPatSTC.ThecompanythatsellstheGRE.
CHALLENGINGTHECHALLENGERS:What#FairGraduateAdmissionsgetswrong
ThenewtrendistodoawaywiththeGRE,whichhasbeenwidelyusedbygraduateadmissioncommitteesfordecades.@WhatWouldMarieDowasthefirsttouseherplatformtobringattentiontothe“injustice”itperpetuates,and@Shmacademicshelpedheramplifythesignalbypostingreviewsoftheliteraturedebunkingit.Together,thetwohavealmosttwomillionfollowers.Butwhoaretheseinfluencers?Whatvastmonetaryoperationsarebehindthem?DotheyhavefinancialtieswithSTCcompetitors?Moreover,theseinfluencersdonotprovideusefulalternativestotheGRE.Theytalkofholisticadmissionprotocols,butfullyreadingthousandsofapplicationsistootimeconsumingforadmissioncommittees..
Myeyesrolltothebackofmyskull.Committeesneedtodorightbyapplicantsandshouldmakethetime.Andwho’sthisdude?Thisone-manhomeowners’association?What’sa“vastmonetaryoperation”?Iwanttobreakintohishouseandshowhimthatmysalaryisprobablywhathetipshispoolboy—andnoneofitcomesfromTwitter.ButIdon’tknowwhereMr.Greenlives,soIjustDMShmacthelink.
MARIE:Didyouseethisstupidarticle?BenjaminGreenisofficiallyCamelDick2.0.
Myeyesfallonthemessageshesentthelasttimewetalked,whenhetoldmeaboutthegirl.Mychestclenches,andforsomereasonIthinkofLevi.Ofhimbeinggone.OfwhathisopinionontheGREmightbe.MaybeI’mgoinginsane.
Idon’twaitforShmac’sresponse.Ilogoutoftheappandforcemyselftogobacktowork.
???
“WHAT?”
“Listen—”
“What?!”
“It’s—”
“What?”
“I—”
“What?!”
Isigh.“Okay,Reike.Letmeknowwhenyou’redone.”
Mysisteryells“What?!”eightmoretimes.“Okay,it’soutofmysystem.Letusresume.So,youandTheWardasssmooched—”
“Feelslikethereshouldbeabetterwordforthat.”
“Yousuckedfaces.Exchangedgerms.Swappedsaliva.Canoodled.Snogged.”
“TheotherdayyoutoldmeingreatdetailaboutthatUkrainianguyyoupegged,andIdidn’tmakehalfthefuss.”
“It’sdifferent.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI’maseasonedpegger,butyouneverdothis.Youwerealllike,‘Neuro’smywifenow,zipupmychastitybelt,digamoataroundtheBee-fence,’andnowyou’remakingoutwithyournemesiswhoisapparentlyintoyou—”
“Was.Wasintome.Andit’sjustakiss.”IfIsayitenough,maybeit’llerasehowcloseIgottobeingnakedwithLevionmykitchenfloor.HowI’vebeenobsessingoverhiswhereaboutsalldaylong.
“FYI,I’llreturntotheStatesforyourwedding,butIrecentlydiscoveredthebridezillasubreddit,andI’mnotgoingtodyemyhairblondtofittheceremony’scolorscheme—”
“Nothappening.”
“Right,you’dprobablyaskfortealgreen—stillaresoundingno.”
“Reike,itwasjust…akiss.Hedoesn’tcare.AndIhavenointentionofcaringeveragain.Oneroundofreturningweddinggiftswasenough.”
“Inevergotmineback!”
“Youneversentone.Anyway,itwasjustakiss.Purely…”Physical.Burning.Good.Electric.Obscene.Heavy.Dangerous.Good.Wild.Good,good,good.Themosteroticmomentofmylife.Butmyheadhascooledoff,I’mnotahornyblackholeofsexualtensionanymore,andIcanseehowdumbitwas.Astupididea.Threeoutoften,wouldnotdoagain.Plus,Ihaveotherconcerns.BLINK.Myjob.Who’llfeedFélicetteonceI’mgone.“Nothing.Purelynothing.”
“Right.Emotionsarestillscary.Boundarymaintenanceisapriority.TheBee-fenceisupinarms.Sowhenyouseehimatworktomorrow—”
“I’llbetoobusybuildingthebestdamnhelmetthisworldhaseverseenandsecuringmyselfalifetimeofprofessionalstability.AwayfromTrevor.”
“Ofcourse.AndIassumeTheWardassisperfectlyokaypretendingthat—”
AknockatmydoorandIglanceatthetime—10:28p.m.“Gottago.It’sprobablyRocíocomingtoreiteratethatI’mnotherrealmother.Orthatafteryoudietheenzymesinyourdigestivetractdevouryourbodyfromtheinside.”
“Ofallyourcolleagues,thisgirlismyabsolutefavorite.”
“Shewascaughtporking.Onmydesk.”
“Howdoessheconstantlytopherself?”
Irollmyeyes.“Bye,Reike.”
“Warmestregards,Beetch.”
It’snotRocío.Instead,there’salargechestwhereherheadshouldbe.Andseveralinchesabovethat,Levi’sface.“Youforgotthisintherental.”Heliftshislefthand,mybackpackdanglingfromhisfingers.
“Oh.Thankyou.”Ihugittothefrontofmybody.I’mwearingasleevelesstopI’veownedsincemiddleschoolandpajamapantsthatcouldmoonlightasunderwear.Ireallythoughtit’dbeRocíoatthedoor.Imaybeblushingallover.“Didyou,um,wanttocomein?”
Heshakeshishead.“Ijustwantedtoreturnthebackpack.”
Inod.Henods.There’sastretchofsilent,moreawkwardnodding,andthenhesays,“I’llgetgoing.”
“Yeah.Sure.Haveagoodnight.”
He’swearingalightblueHenleythatdoesmarvelousthingsforhisback.WhichIhavenowtouched.Extensively.That’swhyIstareashewalksaway:I’mmesmerizedbyhowbroad,firm,solidhelooks.Andthat’swhywhenhereachesthestairsandturnsaroundhefindsmestillthere.Stilllooking.
Hesmiles.AndIsmile.Thesmileslinger,warm,honest,andIhearmyselfask,“Yousureyoudon’twanttocomein?”
“It’snotthatI…”Histhroatworks.“Ididn’tcomehereforthat.”
“Ididn’tthinkyoudid.”Imakeroomforhim,andwithafewtentative,lumberingstepshe’sinside.Inallhishulking,massivegrace.Helooksaround,runningahandthroughhishair.Ishethinkingaboutwhathappenedheretwenty-fourhoursago?Well,moreliketwenty-eightpointfive,butwhichmaniaciscounting?
“Isthatahummingbirdfeeder?”heasks.
“Yep.”
“Anyhummingbirds?”
“Notyet.”
“Meneither.Inmygarden,Imean.”
“Inoticedthemintyou’regrowing.”Weexchangeanothersmile.“Wanttositonthebalcony?IhavefancyGermanbeer.”
ThechairsIcomfortablysprawlonlooklikekid’sfurnitureunderLevi.Hishanddwarfsthebeerbottle.Hisprofile,ashestarespensivelyattheHoustonskyline,isunbearablyhandsome.Helooksalmostaggressivelyoutofplace.Iwanttoknowwhathe’sthinkingabout.Iwanttoaskifheregretsourkiss.Iwanttotouchhimagain.
“I’msorryabouttheothernight.Andaboutmissingworkwhenwe’reatacriticalpoint.Itwasanemergency.”
Oh.“Wasit…wasitsomethingaboutyournon-wife?Fromthephoto?”
Hechuckles.“Ican’tbelievetheconversationmaterialthatpicture’sgivingus.”
“Amazing,huh?”
Hissmilefades.“Penny’sill.Epilepsy.It’sundercontrol,butshe’sgrowingupfastandhermedsneedtobeadjustedoften.It’stricky,findingtherightdosage.”
“I’msorry.”
“It’sokay.Weirdlyenough,Pennytakesitinstride.She’saremarkablyresourcefulkid.”Hetakesaswigandmakesafaceatthebeer.Whataheathen.“Lily,though—hermom—shestruggles.Understandably.Itrytobearoundwhenthingsgetbad.”
Istareintothedistance.Ofcoursehedoes.He’sthatkindofperson.“I’mgladtheyhaveyou.”
“I’mprettyuseless.ImostlyplayUNOwithPenny,orbuyherslimethathassometoxicingredient—”
“Borax.”
“—thatdrivesLilycrazy.Yes,Borax.Howdidyouknow?”
“Ihavemomfriends.Theycomplainaboutit.”Ishrug.“Where’sherdad?”
“Hediedalittleoverayearago.”Hehesitatesbeforeadding,“Rock-climbingaccident.”ForamomentIdon’tthinkmuchofit.ThenIrememberthepictureinhisoffice.Leviandthetall,dark-hairedman.
“Wereyourelated?”
“No.”Hisexpressiondarkens.“ButI’dknownhimforever.Sincekindergarten.We’dlineupinpairstilltheendofelementaryschool.PeterSullivanandLeviWard.NotmanyT,U,orVnames,apparently.”
Isetmybottleonthetableandstudyhisface.Sullivan.Thatnameagain.It’scommon,that’swhyitcropsupsooften.Andyet…
“Liketheprototype?”Imurmur.“LiketheDiscoveryInstitute?”
Iwishhe’dlookatme.Buthekeepsstaringatthecityandsays,“Ididn’tevenwanttobeanengineer.Iwantedtomajorinveterinaryscience.Hadevendeclaredit,butPeterconvincedmetotakeanengineeringclassasanelective.Wedidthisprojecttogether—webuiltanolfactorycortex.Apieceofhardwarethatcouldcorrectlyidentifysmells.Hedidmostoftheworkandhadtoteachmeeverything,butitwasablast.Thinkingthatsomethinglikethatcouldmaybebeusedforpatients,youknow?Somewheredowntheline?”
“That’simpressive.”
“Itwasn’talwayscorrect.”Hebitestheinsideofhischeek.“Onourfinalpresentation,whiletheinstructorwasexaminingit,thecortexannouncedthatitwassmellingfeces.”Iburstintolaughter.“Itmaybeneededafewtweaks.ButIfellinlovewithbrain-computerinterfacebecauseofPeter.HewasthemostbrilliantengineerI’veevermet.”Hepresseshislipstogether.“Isawhisskullcrackintwowhenhefell.Iwastenfeetaway,halfwaythroughmyclimb.Thenoise—itwasunlikeanything.Ididn’tknowhowtotellLily.AndPennywouldn’tleavetheroom…”
Hisvoiceissodeceptivelylevel,sopainfullyneutral,I’mshockedwhenIrealizethatmycheeksarewet.IwanttoreachouttoLevi.Ineedtoreachout.ButI’mlockedinsidemyhead,paralyzed,finallymakingconnectionsandunderstandingthings.
“TheyrenamedtheInstituteafterhim.Andhecameupwiththeprototype.”Beforedying.That’swhyLevineededtobeonBLINK.Whyitneededtohappenwithhimincharge.Whyhefoughtsohardforit.
Levi.Oh,Levi
“I’mgoingtobuildthosehelmets.”He’sstillstaringintothedistance.Hisgriponthebottleisavise.“Likeheenvisionedthem.Andthey’llhavehisname.AndPennywillknowitwasherdad,andshe—”Hestops.Likehisvoicewillbreakifhecontinues.
Suddenly,I’mnotscaredanymore.Iknowwhattodo—oratleastwhatIwanttodo.Istand,slidethebeeroutofLevi’shand,andsetitonthemetalrailingwithaclink.ThenIlowermyselfintohislap,legsoneachsideofhiswaist,myarmsaroundhisneck.Iwaituntilhishandsarearoundmywaist.Untilhiseyesshineupatmeinthedarkness.ThenIsay,“We’regoingtobuildthosehelmets.Together.”Ismilefiercelyagainsthislips.“Peterwillknow.Pennywillknow.Lilywillknow.Andyouwillknow.”
Thekissisapunch-outdrug,butafamiliarone.Afterall,I’vethoughtaboutnothingelseforthepastday.Pleasurehumsthroughmewitheverystrokeofhistongueagainstmine,everybrushofhisfingersagainstmylowerback,everyreverentbreathagainstmyjaw.Hepullsmecloserandgroansintomyskin,halfsentencesthatdrivemecrazyaninchatatime.
“You’reso—Fuck,Bee,”asIrunmyteethdownhisthroat.“Iusedtodreamofyou,”whenmyfingertipsbrushagainstthefinehairunderneathhisbellybutton.“I’mgoingto—wehavetoslowdown,orI’mgoingto—”afterIstartrockingontopofhim,andthefrictionofhiserectionagainstmyclitisalreadythebestsexI’veeverhad.I’mshuddering,pulsating,abouttoexplodewithpleasure.MyunderwearissoakedandIwanttogetcloser.Closer
Butourclothesstayon.Frustratingly,maddeninglyon,evenwhenhebringsmetobed,thekitchenlighttricklinginsidetheroom.Levi’sgriponmyhipisnear-bruising,everybreathasharpintake.Mybodyfeelswarm,buoyant,filledwithcuttingheat.Helooksdownatmeandsays,“Iwanttofuckyou.”Henipsatmycollarbone,and—helikesteeth.Tobite,toclutch,tosuck.There’ssomethingdevouringabouthim,somethingclumsyandovereager,butit’snotaturnoff.He’susuallysopatient,meticulous,butnowhecan’twait.Can’thaveenough.“CanIfuckyou?”
Inodupathim,lethimtakemytop,mypants,everythingoff,andthewayhelooksatmelikehehasfoundanswersallofasudden,likemybodyisareligiousexperience,hasmesquirmingupforcontact.
“This,”hesaysbreathlessly,histhumbtracingreverentlythepiercingonmynipple.
“Ifyoudon’tlikeit,I—”
Heshushesme,andit’sokay.I’mokay.I’mtotallyokaywithhimstaringatmysmallbreastsasthoughthey’resomethingwondrous,withhimkissingthemuntilhislipsareplump,untilIhavetopullathishair,untilI’msowet,Ifeelittrickledownmythigh.I’mokaywithbeingtoldridiculousthings:I’magoodgirl,I’mperfect,I’vebeendrivinghiminsane,whenhefirstsawmeIchangedthechemistryofhisbrain.
HemakesmelaughwhenIrollusaround,pushhimunderneathme,hiselbowssmackingagainstthehardwall.Hemumblesafewobscenities,butwhenIbenddowntokisshimagainheforgetsallaboutit.“You’retoobigforthebed,”Itellhimbetweengiggles,peelinghisshirtfromhisskin.Hehasabs.Definedones.Andpecs.HehasmusclegroupsIthoughtweremyths.
“Yourbed’stoosmallforme.Nexttimewe’lldothisinmine,”hesays,liftinghishipsandlettingmeundohiszipper.Thesoundofeachcatchfillstheroom,anditshouldn’tbesoerotic,butI’mnakedontopofhim,hislengthrubbingagainstmycore,andthere’snomistakinghowdeliciously,furiously,eagerlybigheis.
“It’sbeenawhile,”hesays.
Iblinkathim,breathless,hazy.“Yeah.Metoo.”Ican’thelpmyself.Itouchthedampheadofhiserection,justabrushofmyfingertips.Hegrunts,biteshislip.Hishipsjerk.It’salittlelikeridingahorse.Abull.
“Doweneedacondom?”heasks.Ishakemyheadandmouth“birthcontrol,”eagertocontinue.“Thismightbeoververyquickly,”hehusks,handsgrippingmythighsasIpositionhimatmyentrance.“ButI’llmakeituptoyou.Withmymouth.Ormyfingers.If—BeeBee.”
Idon’tknowwhatIexpectedfromhavingLeviinsideofme.ProbablythesameaswithTim:somethingvaguelypleasant.Atbest,sexmademefeelclosetohim.Atworst,Iwasboredforafewminutesandrememberedthattaxeswereduesoon.WithLeviit’snothinglikethat.I’mincontrol.I’measinghiscockintomybody.Istruggleinchbyinchtoadjust,toaccommodate,butit’smydecision.Iclosemyeyesandfeelmyfacetwist,halfpleasureandhalfpain.Ineedmore.Heneedsmore.Webothneedmore,andIpushdowntotakehimfartherinside,thighsandhandstremblingasIstraintofillmyselfwithhim,and…
Ican’tdoit.
Thereisnoroom.Itryagain,grindingdowntotakemoreofhim.Myskinbeadswithsweat.Thesenseoffullnessgrows,turnsintoastingofpain,butIpushthroughit,forcemyselfto—
“Slowdown,”Leviorders,alittlemorethanagrowl.Hishandsclaspmyhipstostillme.
Iopenmyeyes.Shakemyhead.“Ineedto—”
“Youneedaminute,”hesaysfirmly,andhisvoicebrooksnoargument.We’rebothshaking,gasping,sweatyagainsteachother,butIpauseforamoment,andhenods,choppy,pleased.“Goodgirl.”
Hestaresatmelikehedoesn’tknowwheretosettlehiseyes.Thenhefindstheplacewherewe’rejoinedandstartstouchingmethere,slow,wetstrokesofhisthumbonmyclitthatsoftenmeandhelpmetakehimalltheway.Hishipbonespressintotheundersidesofmythighswhenhebottomsout.Ifeelmychannelclenchandgriphim,andhisgroantellsmethathedoes,too.He’sinmetothehilt,andIcollapseontopofhim.
“Levi,”Istutterintohismouth.“Youarereallybig.”
Somethingvibratesbetweenus.Notphysical—afeeling.Itresonatesinmybodyandinmybrain.
“You’llgetusedtome,”hegaspsagainstmytemple,pushingmyhairbackfrommyforeheadwithtremblinghands,andthenIamsofull,Icannotbestillanymore.Irollmyhipstotestthewaters,seewhathurts(verylittle)andwhat’sgood(awholelot).IlearnwhatIwant.Whichangle.Whichrhythm.Inexchange,IletLevi’shandsroammybodywhereverhelikes—andit’severywhere.Therearewet,filthy,shamefulsounds,butIdon’tcare,toobusygrippingtheheadboardandgrindingmyselfagainstthatspotinsidemewhich—Yes.Yes.He’simmense,stretchingmetomylimitandabitpast.Ibalancemyselfonhischest.Hisheartbeatsadrumagainstmypalm,andImoveupanddown.Deliciouspressure.Pleasurepulsesdeepinmybelly.“Likethis?”Iask.
Hedoesn’tanswer.Orhedoes,butinmurmurs,incoherentlittlethings,likePlease,Bestill,Don’tmove,You’resotight,I’mgoingto—Oh,shit.ItgetsworsewhenIclencharoundhimonpurpose,justtoseewhereIcango.There’snoextraroominsideme.Nothingatall,andmyvisiondots.Mypulsespikes.Myheadsnapsblank,mylungsvoidofair,andIcomelikeanavalanche,awashofblindingpleasureasmybodycontractsrhythmically.Iwhimpermyorgasmintotheskinofhiscollarbone.
WhenIcanthinkagain,IfindLeviontopofme,pantingagainstmythroat,fingerstightaroundmyhips.Hebabbles,groans,desperatelygrindshiscockagainstmystomach,buthehaspulledout.Iampainfullyempty,clenchingagainstnothing.
“Didyou—?”Myvoiceishoarse.
“I’mtryingtomakeitlast,”hepants.“Idon’twantthistoend.”Itrytoguidehimintomeonceagain,buthepinsmywristsabovemyheadandkissesme,endless,deep,withoutrestraint,swallowingmysoftwhimpersinhismouth.Thenheslidesbackinside.Inthispositionhegetsdeeper.Harder.Differentangles.Hecoversme,allofme,andIlethimdowhatheletmedo:findhispleasureinmybody.Histhrustsareshallow,thenslow,thendeep.Thenhiscontrolsnapsintwo,longmovementsthatdragdeliciousfrictionagainstallofmynerveendings.Ilovehisweightonme.Ilovehisgutturalgroans.Ilovetheabsent,awestruckgreenofhiseyes.I’msoclose.Socloseagain.
Thisisgood.Heisgood.Wearegood.Together.Likethis.
“Bee,”heslursagainstmycheek.“Bee.YouareeverythingI—”
Myhandsslideagainsthissweat-slickback,andIholdhimtogetherasheshattersintoamillionpieces.18
RAPHENUCLEI:HAPPINESS
“AMAZING.”GUY’SVOICEtremblesslightly,atingeoffeartohisadmiration.Awe,Iguessit’scalled?Allthatmattersisthatitopensthefloodgatesforeveryoneelsetospeakup.
“Incredible.”
“—wehaveaworkingprototype—”
“—can’tbelievetherewassuchasimplesolution—”
“—BLINKisbasicallydone—”
“—suchanelegantwayof—”
“Fuckingawesome,”Rocíodeclares,theloudestvoice.Everyonelooksather,andthat’swhentheimpressedwhispersbecomemorelikeafratparty.Highfives,hugs,theoccasionalchant.I’msurprisedakegisn’tsuddenlyproducedoutofthinair.
Levileansagainstabenchontheoppositesideoftheroom,wearinglastnight’sHenley.ThismorningIofferedhimmystretchytie-dyecamisole,buthejustglaredatme.Ingrate.HenoticesI’mstaringandwebothlookaway,bashfultohavebeencaught.Thenoureyeslockagain.Thistime,weshareasmile.
“Weshouldcelebrate!”someone’syelling.Weignorehimandkeeponsmiling
ThefirsttimeTimandIhadsex,Iwasterrifiedhehadn’tenjoyedit.Hedidn’tcallmefortwodays,whichIspentwonderingifIwasshitinbed—insteadoffocusingonhowshittyhewas.Inthefightthatendedourengagement,heaccusedmeofpushinghimtosleepwithotherwomenbecauseIwas“atotalstarfish”duringsex(Ihadtogooglewhatthatevenmeantafterheleft).Onreflection,ourrelationshipwasbookendedbyTimmakingmefeelterribleaboutmyself.Howpoetic.
MaybeinthepastyearsI’velearnedtogiveconsiderablyfewerfucksaboutwhatdudesthinkofme,andthat’swhyI’vespentzerosecondsofthelasttwenty-fourhourswonderingwhetherLevithinksI’mashitlay.Butmaybethat’snottheonlyreason.Maybeithastodowiththewayhelookedatmethismorning,whenIwokeupontopofhiminmytwinbedthatheaccusedofbeing“aninstrumentoftorturerepurposedasapieceoffurniture.”Maybeitwasthequiet,sweetlybashfulconversationwehadaboutmebeingonbirthcontrol,andaboutthefactthatwe’vebothbeenlivinglikeasceticmonksforlongenoughthatwe’resuretobeclean.Maybeit’stheappalledfacehemadewhenhesawmeguzzleunsweetenedsoymilkdirectlyfromthecarton.Maybeit’stheswift,covertglanceshe’sbeengivingmealldaylong.
Wehaven’ttalkedmuch.Or—we’vetalkedalot.Aboutcircuitsandhigh-frequencystimulationtrainsandBrodmannareas.Theusual.
Today’snotusual,though.
“Lookslikeyougotit.”Boriscomestostandbesideme.Heglancesathisengineers—currentlygivingoneanothercelebratorywedgies—withmilddisapproval.
“Westillneedtotweaktheneurosoftware.Thenwe’lltestthemodelonthefirstastronaut.Guyhasvolunteered.”Aeuphemism:Guybeggedtobetestsubjectnumberone.It’sniceknowingthatsomeoneelseissoinvestedinBLINK.
“When’sthat?”
“Nextweek.”
Henods.“I’mgoingtosetupademonstrationfortheendofnextweek,then.”
“Ademonstration?”
“I’llinvitemybosses,yourbosses.They’llinvitesomeonehigherupstill.”
Istareathim,alarmed.“That’swaytoosoon.Wehaveweeksbeforetheprojectdeadline,andthere’slotstotroubleshoot.Humansubjectsareinvolved—plentyofthingscouldgowrong.”
“Yes.”Hegivesmealevellook.“Butyouknowwhatthestakesare,especiallywithMagTechsoclosetocatchingup.Andyouknowthepushbackagainsttheproject.We’vegotlotsofeyesonus.Lotsofpeoplewhoknowverylittleaboutscience,andyetareveryinvestedinBLINK.”
Ihesitate.TendaysismuchfewerthanI’mcomfortablewith.Ontheotherhand,IunderstandthepressureBorisisunder.Afterall,he’stheonewhogotusapprovaltostart.“Okay.We’lldoourbest.”Ipushawayfromthebench.“I’lltellLevi.”
“Wait.”Istop.“Bee,whatareyourplanswhenthisisover?”
“Myplans?”
“YouwanttokeepworkingforTrevor?”Ipressmylipstogethertotemporize,butBorisisnofool.“I’vechattedwithhimafewtimes.Heseemstobeundertheimpressionthatwe’remakingsuits?”
“Trevoris…”Isigh.“Yeah.”
Hegivesmeacommiseratinglook.“Iftheprototype’sasuccess,NIHwilllikelypromoteyou,maybegiveyouyourownlab.You’llhaveoptions.Butifyoudon’tlikethoseoptions…comeseeme,please.”
Istareathimwide-eyed.“What?”
“I’vebeenwantingtostartadedicatedneuroscienceteam.This”—hepointsatthehelmet—“isoneofmanythingswecando.Ourneurounitisscatteredandunderutilized.Ineedsomeonewhocanactuallyleadit.”Hesmilestiredly.“Anyway,I’llgotellLeviaboutthedemonstration.I’mpartialtothewayhescowlswhenIgivehimbadnews.”
Istandtherelikeanidiot,blinkingintothedistance.WasIjustofferedajob?AtNASA?Leadingalab?DidIhallucinate?Isthereacarbonmonoxideleakinthebuilding?
“Youcomingouttocelebrate?”Guyasks,startlingme.
Ishakemyhead.Celebrationseemspremature.“Butyouguyshavefun.”
“Surewill.”Hiseyeslifttoaspotabovemyhead.“Andyou?”
Iturnaround.Leviisrightbehindme.“Anothertime.”
“Youhaveplans?”IaskonceGuyhasleft.Ilookaroundtomakesurewe’realone,likeI’maskingLeviforhissecretapplepierecipe.I’mridiculous
“Iwasgoingtospendsomequalitytimewithmycat.”
“Expressionnight?”
“Schr?dingerandIdosometimeshaveinteractionsthatdon’tinvolvehisrectum,”hepointsout.“Butno.There’sarestaurant.Vegan.”Hiseyeswanderaway,asthoughhe’sembarrassedtoask.“I’vebeenwantingtotryit.Wecould…”
Ilaugh.“Youdon’thaveto.”
Hegivesmeacuriouslook.“Dowhat?”
“Takemeout.Onadate.”
Hescowls.“IknowIdon’thaveto.”
“I’mawarethisisn’t…”IstarttotellhimthatIknowit’snotlikethatbetweenus.Thathedoesn’tneedtotakemeout.Thatthesexwasexcellent,andeventhoughI’msoreandsleepyandpossiblyallorgasmedout,I’dbehappytohavemore.Withhim.Ifhe’sinterested.I’mfamiliarwiththeconceptoffriendswithbenefits.Bedbuddies.Frenefits.Fuckfriends.ButthenIremembertheweekend.WatchingStarWarstogether,drinkingSazerac.Thisfriendshipofoursisolderthanthebenefits,evenifjustbyafewhours,andI’dbehappytospendtimetalkingwithhim.Plus,heprobablyhasnoonetotryveganrestaurantswith.I’mthesameinBethesda.Yeah,that’swhyhe’saskingmeout.“Actually,thatsoundsamazing.Doweneedareservation?”
Heliftsoneeyebrow.“It’saveganrestaurantinTexas.We’llbefine.”
Iknowhowthisisgoingtobe:Leviwillgettoworkoutofhissystemwhatever’sleftofhisyears-oldattractiontowardme;Iwillfinallygettohavesomedecentsex;we’llbothgettodosowithoutthepressureofbeinginarelationshipandthedisastrousstickinessthatalwayshappenswhenyouletyourselfcaretoomuchaboutsomeone.Tonight’sdinnerisnotgoingtobeadate—justamealbetweentwohornyfriendswhohappentosharedietarypreferences.Still,Ifindmyselfputtingmorecarethanusualintomyappearance.Ichooseathinrose-goldseptumring,myfavoritepiercings,andclassicredlipstick.Icurlmyhairtofallinwavesdownmyshoulders.I’mreadywellbeforeLevi’ssupposedtopickmeup,soIgowaitonthebalcony.
Shmachasfinallygottenbacktome,apologeticforhavingbeenofflineforthebest,thenworst,thenbestweekendofmylife
SHMAC:STCisgrasping.Everyoneknowsyouhavenofinancialinterestsandaresupporting#FairGraduateAdmissionsbecauseyoubelieveinit.
MARIE:Ihatewhattheysaidaboutfairadmissionsbeingimpractical.Whocares?Wecanandmustdobetter.
SHMAC:Orally.
MARIE:???
SHMAC:*Totally.
SHMAC:Sorry,speechtotext.I’mdriving.
MARIE:LOL!
MARIE:Whereareyougoing?And,doesithavetodowithyourbest-then-worst-then-bestweekend?AnddoesthathavetodowithTheGirl?
SHMAC:I’mtakingheroutfordinner.
MARIE:djhsgasgarguyfgquergqe
MARIE:(Thatwasakeyboardsmash,incasetext-to-speechisfailingyou)
SHMAC:Itwas,thankyou.
MARIE:I’msoooohappyforyou,Shmac!
SHMAC:Iam,too.Thoughshe’sstillabitskittish.
MARIE:Skittish?
SHMAC:Forvalidreasons.ButIdon’tthinkshe’squitereadytoadmitittoherself.
MARIE:Admitwhat?
SHMAC:ThatI’mseriousaboutthis.ThatI’minitforthelonghaul.Oratleastforaslongasshe’llhaveme.
Ifrown.Wait—isn’tthegirlinarelationship?There’snolonghaulunlessshedivorces,isthere?Iwanttoask,butIwouldn’twantShmactothinkthatI’mjudginghimfortakingupwithamarriedwoman—Ireallydon’t,especiallysinceherhusbandsoundslikesomeoneIwouldn’tmindpushingdowntheEiffelTowerstairs.IconsidertellinghimthatI,too,amgoingoutfordinner—withCamelDick,noless—butIhearasoftnoise.
Alittleballofredandgrayishoveringinmidairaroundthefeeder,prettywingsbeatinghappilyataflutteringrhythm.Thefirsthummingbirdoftheyear.“Hey,beauty.”HestickshisthinbeakintooneholeandleavesbeforeIcantakeapicture.IwatchhimflyovertheparkinglotandnoticeLevi’struckpullingup.
IrundownstairslikeI’melevenandheadingtothesplashpad.“Igotmyfirsthummingbird!”Isayexcitedly,climbingintothetruck.Levihasbarelyfinishedparking.“Redthroat!Ididn’tgetapicturebutthey’reterritorial,sohe’llbeback.AndI’llhavethecoconut-gingerchickpeasoup!Mysistersaysthatit’suncooltoreadrestaurantmenusonline,butIfullyembracemyobsessionwithfood….”Istop.Leviisstaringatmeopen-mouthed.“Ihavehummingbirdshitonmyface,don’tI?”
Hekeepsstaring.
“Doyouhaveatissue?”Ilookaroundthecabin.“Orevenapieceofpaper—”
“No.No,youdon’t…”Heshakeshishead,lostforwords.
“What’swrong?”
“You…”Heswallows.
“…I?”
“Thedress.Youwore…thedress.”
Iglanceatmyself.Oh.Yes.IdidwearmyTargetdress.“Ithoughtyousaidyoudidn’treallyhateit?”
“AndIdon’t.”Heswallows.“Ireallydon’t.”
Itakeabetterlookathimandrealizethewayhe’sstaring.Whichis…“Oh.”Myheartbeatpicksup.
“CanIkissyou?”heasks,andIcouldfallinlovewiththishesitant,shyversionofLeviWard—thesamemanwhonibbledmythroatawakeatthreea.m.tosaythathe’ddieifhecouldn’tfuckmeagain.Ilethim,enthusiastically.JustlikeIlethimkissmenow,untilwe’remakingoutliketeenagers,deep,fingersholdingmyneck,tonguesstroking,hisweightpressingmeintotheseatandhe’sreally,reallygoodatthis,charminglyassertive,deliciouslyinsistent.That’shishandonmyknee,undermydressandupmysmoothleg,upandupuntilit’swrappedaroundmyinnerthigh.Alightbrushagainstthefrontofmypanties,andIwhimperinhismouthjustashegroans.IthinkI’malreadywet.AndheknowsI’malreadywet,becausehisfingertipsslipundertheelasticandhookittotheside.Igaspagainsthismouthandhisthumbslidesagainstmy—
Someonehonksonestreetover,andwebothpullback.Oops.
“Weshouldprobably…”
“Yeah.Weshould.”
We’rebothinagreement.Andbothreluctant.We’reslowtoletgoofeachother,andwhenheturnsthekeyintheignition,thesamehandthatusesprecisionscrewdriversonadailybasisistremblingslightly.
Iglanceoutthewindow.“Levi?”
“Yeah?”
“Ijustwantedtosaythat…”Ismile.“Redlipsticklooksgreatonyou.”
???
IT’SNOTAdate.
Butifitwere—whichitisn’t—itwouldbethebestdateofmylife.
Ofcourse,becauseit’snotadate,thepointismoot.
But.Ifitwere.
Thoughit’snot.
Evenwhen,Imustadmit,italmostfeelslikeone.Maybeit’sthathepaidwhileIwasinthebathroom(Ibrieflyprotested,buthonestly,I’llletanydudebuymedinneruntilthegenderpaygapisungapped).Maybeit’sthatweneverstoppedtalking,never,notevenforaminute—justpolitenodsforArchietheOverzealousWaiterwhenhekeptcomingbytoinquireaboutourmeals.Butmaybeit’sthehourwespentreframingsomeofourmosttraumaticgradschoolmemories.
“Ipresentedmydataduringlabmeeting.Halfwaythroughmyfirstyear.Andyoulookedoutthewindowfortheentiretime.”
Hesmilesandtakeshistimechewing.“Youwerewearingthis”—hegesturesinthemiddleofhisforehead—“thing.Onyourhair.”
“Aheadband,probably.Iwassmackinmyboho-chicphase.”Ishudder.“Okay,you’vegotadoctor’snoteforthisone.Butitwasexcellentdata.”
“Iknow—Iwaslistening.Yoursaliencenetworkresearch—verycompelling.Ijust…”Heshrugs.Hishandclosesaroundhisglass,buthedoesn’tdrink.“Itwascute.Ididn’twanttostare.”
Iburstintolaughter.“Cute?”
Hiseyebrowlifts,challenging.“Someofushaven’toutgrowntheirboho-chicphase.”
“Uh-huh.Whatdoesboho-chicmean,Levi?”
“It’sa…city?InFrance?”
Ilaughharder.“Okay.Anotherone.Thattimethatfriendofyoursfrommicrobiologycameintolab.Thatguyyouplayedbaseballwith?”
“Dan.Basketball.I’veneverplayedbaseballinmylife—I’mnotevensurehowitworks.”
“Abunchofguysstandaroundintheirjammiesandchatamiably.Anyway,Dancameintolabtopickyouupforagameofasport,andyouintroducedhimtoeveryoneexceptforme.”
Henods.Tearsoffapieceofbread.Doesn’teatit.“Iremember.”
“Wecanagreeitwasadickmove.”
“Or.”Hedropsthebread,leaningback.“Or,wecouldagreethatafewnightsbefore,afterafewdrinks,IblurtedouttoDanthatIwas…interestedinagirlnamedBee,thatBee’snotacommonname,andthatDanwastotallythekindofpersontolookyouintheeyeandask,‘Aren’tyouthatchickmybroblubbersaboutwhenhe’ssloshed?’?”
Myheartskipsabeat,butIpowerthrough.“Youcan’thaveanexcuseforeverysingletimeyouactedlikeadick.”
Heshrugs.“Tryme.”
“Thedresscode.Afewweeksago.”
Hecovershiseyes.“Youmean,whenIaskedyoutodressprofessionallywhileIwaswearingaT-shirtwithaholeintherightarmpit?”
“Wereyoureally?”
“MostofmyT-shirtshavearmpitholes.Statisticallyspeaking,yes.”
“What’stheexcuse?”
Hesighs.“Thatmorning,BorissaidsomethingtomeabouthowhethoughtNASAmightusewhatevertheycouldtogetNIHofftheirbacks.Hesaid,‘Iwouldn’tbesurprisediftheygotridofherbecauseofthehair.’Itwasprobablyathrowawayline,butIpanicked.”Heliftshishands.“Thenyoucalledmeoutforpromotinggenderbiasintheworkplace,andIfeltlikeaBondvillainbraggingabouthisdoomsdaydevice.”
“Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’tjusttellme.”Inretaliation,Ipluckabroccolirabefromhisplate.
“I’manexcellentcommunicatorwithoutstandinginterpersonalskills,accordingtomyrésumé.”
“MinesaysthatI’mfluentinPortuguese,butthelasttimeItriedtoorderfoodinCoimbraIaccidentallytoldthewaiterthattherewasabombinthebathroom.Okay,lastone:Whataboutwhenyourefusedtocollaborate?Ioverheardyouthroughthedoor.YoutoldSamyoudidn’twanttobeontheprojectbecauseofme.”
“Youoverheardme?”Hesoundsskeptical.“ThroughSam’ssolidwoodslabofadoor?”
Ibatmyeyesangelically.“Yes.”
“Wereyoueavesdroppingintheficus?”
“Perhaps.Anythingtosayinyourdefense?”
“DidyouleaverightafterImentionedthatIdidn’twanttheprojectbecauseofyou?”
“Yup.Istompedmywaytomyofficewiththerageofamurderofdragons.”
“Isthattheircollectivenoun?”
“Itshouldbe.”
Henods.“Ifyouleftrightafteryouheardyourname,thenyoudidn’theareverythingItoldSam.Andthatmisunderstandingisonyou.”
Iscowl.“Isit?”
“Yup.There’salessonforallofushere.”Hepicksupthepieceofbreadhedroppedearlier.
“Whichwouldbe?Don’teavesdropintheficus?”
“Nope.Ifyoueavesdrop,youshouldn’thalf-assit.”Hepopsthebreadintohismouth,andhastheaudacitytogrinatme.
???
SCHR?DINGERREMEMBERSME.Possiblyfromtheothernight,whenhesleptonmywindpipe,gavemesuffocationnightmares,andleftblacktuftsofhairinmymouth.HeslinksfromhisspotonthecouchthemomentwecomeinandtwineshimselfaroundmybareankleswhileLevistoresourleftoversinhisfridge.
“Iloveyou,”Icooathim.“You’reaperfect,magnificentbeast,andI’llprotectyouwithmylife.Iwillslayamurderofdragonsforyou.”
“Ilookeditup,”Levisaysfromthedoorjamb.“It’sathunderofdragons.”
“Fascinating.”IrubtheundersideofSchr?dinger’schin.Hesquintsinfelinebliss.“Butwelike‘murder’better,don’twe?Yes,wedo.”Iglanceup.“IbelieveIwaspromisedsomeanalexpression?”
Heshakeshishead.“Itwastolureyouhere.Don’tbelieveeverythingyou’retold.”
“Youheardthat,Schr?dinger?Yourdaddyusesyourmalfunctioningglandsasbait.”
Levismiles.“He’snotlikethat,usually.”
“Hmm?”
“Schr?dinger’sshywithmostpeople.Hidesunderthecouchalot.Heusedtobeveryaggressivewithmy…”Thewayhetrailsoffhasmedyingtoknow.
“Your?”
Heshrugsandlooksaway.“Ilivedwithagirlfriend.Forafewmonths.”
“Oh.”Thecatflopsonhissideintoawaterfallofpurrs.“Lily?”
“Beforeher.”
IthinkIcanstoplyingtomyselfandthetinyporcelainfrogthatpassesasmybrainandjustadmitthatLeviistheperfectcombinationofSexyGuy?,HandsomeGuy?,andCuteGuy?.Youknowwhenyou’vebeeninlovewithsomeoneforyears,andthentheydosomethinghorrible,likeforgettingtowateryourChiaPetunicornorscrewingyourbestfriend,andyoustopseeingthemthroughrose-coloredlenses?Alltheirshortcomingsarethrowninsharprelief,likeyoujustputon3Dglassesforinsideugliness?Well,nowthatI’vegottenridofmyassholegoggles,IcanacknowledgethatLevi’sbeeneligible-bacheloringitupjustfine.He’llmakesomeluckygirlanevenluckiergirlsomeday.AndIhavenoideawhytheideaofhimhavingalive-ingirlfriendsendsthatcoldtingleinmybelly—we’vebeenfuckbuddiesforlessthantwenty-fourhours,forcake’ssake.It’snotmybusiness,andthelastthingIwantisanotherrelationshipdoomedtoamessy,painfulending(i.e.,anyromanticrelationship).
“Schr?dingerdidn’tlikeher?”Hegnawslovinglyonmythumb.
“Tobefair,shewasadogperson.”
“Whenwasthis?”Iask,asnosyasacurtain-twitcher.
“Ingradschool.Before…”Hedoesn’tfinishthesentence,buthisgazelingersonmeforamoment,andIwonderifhemeant“Beforeyou.”
Annieusedtohaveafunnytheory:weallhaveaYearZeroaroundwhichthecalendarsofourlivespivot.Atsomepointyoumeetsomeone,andtheybecomesoimportant,sometamorphic,thatten,twenty,sixty-fiveyearsdownthelineyoulookbackandrealizethatyoucouldsplityourexistenceintwo.Beforetheyshowed(BCE),andyourCommonEra.YourveryownGregoriancalendar.
IusedtothinkTimwasmyCommonEra,butIdon’tanymore.Infact,Idon’twantanotherflaky,ficklehumanbeingtobecomemyCommonEra.Youknowwhatwouldworkgreatasapivotallifetimepoint?Me,gettingmyownNIHlab—which,I’mthrilledtosay,iscloserthanever.IalmostwanttotextAnnietoaskifnewjobscanbeYearZeros,butI’mnotquitethereyet.Still,it’snicetoknowthatIcould.Thatthedoorbetweenusisajar.
Leviwasn’tgoingtosay“Beforeyou,”becauseI’mnothisCommonEra.Idon’tcaretobe.ButI’mpositivehe’llmeethersoon.Probablyagirlwho’sfiveeleven,knowshowtobuildamicrowavefromscratch,andhastheastoundinggraceofSimoneBiles.They’llproducefierce,athletickidswithscarilysmartbrainsandhavesexeverynight,evenwhentherearegrantdeadlines,evenwhenthein-lawsareintheguestroom.Hummingbirdswillflocktotheiryardduringthespringmonths,andLeviwillstudythemfromhisscreened-inporchandbeimplacablyhappy—justlikeI’llbehappywithmylab,myresearch,mystudents,myRAs(Yes,they’llallbewomen.No,Idon’tcareifyouthinkit’sunfair).
ButI’mgladIfoundoutthatLeviusedtolikeme.I’mgladIgettohaveexcellentsexforthefirsttimeinmylife.I’mgladwe’redoingthissleeping-togetherthingwithoutalltheuglythatcomesfromactuallyinvestinginarelationship.I’mgladwecanbepartofeachother’sBCEforawhile.I’mgladtobehere.Withhim.Imightevenbehappy
“Ithinkyou’rethebest,”Isay,rufflingthefuraroundSchr?dinger’sears.“He’sverysmall.”
“Runtofthelitter.”
Ismileattheperfectbeanyundersideofhispaws.“I’vealwayslovedanunderdog.Undercat?”
“I’msurprisedsomeonewholikescatsasmuchasyoudoesn’t…”
“Haveone?”
“Iwasgoingtosayfive.”
Ichuckle.“ThereisFélicette…”
“Iwasthinkingmoreofexistingcats.”
Iglareathim.“I’dlovetodedicatemylifetoembodyingtheculturalarchetypeofthecrazycatlady.Butit’sabadidea.”
“Why?”
“Because.”Ihesitate,andSchr?dingerpurrsagainstmyfingers.Myloveforhimknowsnobounds.“Icouldn’ttakeit.”
“Couldn’ttakewhat?”
“Whentheydie.”
Levigivesmeacuriouslook.“Notforyears.Decades,sometimes.Andalothappensbetweenthebeginningandtheend.”
“Buttheenddoeshappen.Unavoidably.Allrelationshipsbetweenlivingbeingsendsomewhere,somehow.That’sjustthewayitis.Onepartydies,oriscalledawaybyotherbiologicalneeds.Emotionsaretransientbynature.They’retemporarystatesbroughtonbyneurophysiologicalchangesthataren’tmeanttobelong-lasting.Thenervoussystemmustrevertbacktohomeostasis.Allrelationshipsassociatedwithaffectiveeventsaredestinedtoend.”
Heseemsunconvinced.“Allrelationships?”
“Yup.It’sscience.”
Henods,butthensays,“Whataboutprairievoles?”
“Whataboutthem?”
“Theypair-bondforlife,don’tthey?”
Hiseyesglintappraisingly,likehe’sobservingafascinatingbiologicalphenomenon.Wemightnotbetalkingaboutthemiseryofhavingtoflushagoldfishdownthetoiletanymore.“Thenprairievolesaretheexception,becausetheiroxytocinandvasopressinreceptorsarescatteredacrosstheirrewardsystems.”
“Isn’tthatbiologicalproofthatemotionsandrelationshipscanbelonglasting?”
“Notatall.Soyouhavetwocuterodentsandtheysticktogether.Amazing.ButonenighthusbandvolecrossesthehighwaytocatchRatatouilleatthelocaltheaterandendsuppancakedbyaFordMustangownedbyadipshitwho’sdrivingtocheatonhiswifewithanunknowingcollegegirl.Cue:grievingwidowvole.Itsucks,butit’slikeItoldyou:onewayoranother.”
“Andwhathappensinbetweendoesn’tmakeitworthit?”
Haveyoueverbeenleftbehind?Iwanttoaskhim.Haveyoueverlostitall?Doyouknowhowitfeels?Becauseitdoesn’tsoundlikeyoudo.ButIdon’twanttobecruel.I’mnotcruel.Ijustwanttoprotectmyself,andifLevidoesn’twanttodothesame…he’sstrongerthanIam.
“Maybe,”Isay,noncommital,andwatchSchr?dingergracefullystealtowhereLeviisstanding.“So,what’stheplanfortonight?”
“Whatdoyouwanttodo?”
Ishrug.“Idon’tknow.Whatdoyouwanttodo?”
Hesmilesatmemischievously.“Ithoughtmaybewecouldgoforajog.”
???
I’DEXPECTEDHIMtobereservedaboutsex.
NotthatI’dthoughtaboutitverymuch,butifsomeonehadheldaguntomyheadandforcedmetoguess,I’dhaveprobablytoldthem,“IbetLeviWardisquietinbed.Boring.Becausehe’ssuchaguardedpersonoutofbed.Afewlowgrunts,maybe.Ahandfulofwords,alldirectives.Faster.Slower.Actually,thisotherangleisbetter.”I’dhavebeenwrong.Becausethere’snothingreservedinthewayhetakeshispleasureoutofmybody.Nothingatall.
I’mnotsurehowIfindmyselfspreadoutonmystomachinthemiddleofhisbed,tryingtobreathesteadilyashetracesthelineofsmalltattoosdownmyspine.
“TheUK,”hesays,hoarseandalittleshaky.“And—Idon’tknowthisone.Orthenext.ButItaly.Japan.”
“Italy’s—ah—aboot.Easy.”Ipushmyforeheadintothepillow,bitingmylowerlip.Thiswouldbeeasierifheweren’tinsideme.Ifhehadn’tpushedtothesidethegreenpantiesI’dboughttocelebrateBLINK—theonesthatIregrettedthesecondLeviwasannouncedasmyco-lead,theonesIdidn’tthinkI’duseanytimesoon,theonesLevistaredatspeechlessforawholeminute—andslowly,inexorablyslidintothehilt.
“They’repretty.Theoutlines.”Helowershimselftokisstheskinofmyneck.Itmakeshiscockshiftinsideme,andwebothgroan.It’sjustembarrassing,thewaymybackarches,thewaymyassbucksbackintohisabdomenlikemybodyisn’tmineanymore.“Youmightbetootightthisway.Itmightbetoogood.”
Sexisn’tlikethis.I’mnotlikethis.I’mnotthetypetocomequickly,oruncontrollably,orloudly.I’mnotthetypetocomeveryoften.Butthere’saplaceinsidemethathehits.Hefounditlastnight,too,butnow,inthisposition,ormaybejustbecauseit’sslower…Idon’tknowwhatitis,butit’sevenbetter.
Hethrustsinsidemeacoupletimes,shallow,experimental,andIhavetofistmyhandsintohissheets.Theyareshaking.
“They’re—”Ihavetostop.Collectmyself.Clearmythroat.Tense.Release.“They’remyhomes.AlltheplacesI’velived.”
“Beautiful.”Hepressesasoftkisstotheballofmyshoulder.“Sodamnbeautiful,”herepeats,almosttohimself,likeit’snotaboutmytattoosanymore.Thenthemattressshifts,Ihearafrustratedgroan,andallofasuddenIfeelcold.He’snottouchingmeanymore.Hehaspulledback.Pulledout.
“Whatareyou…?”Itrytoturnaround,buthishandsplaysbetweenmyshoulderbladestoholdmedowngently.
“Justtryingtopacemyself.”Hisvoiceisallstrained,self-effacingamusement.Ican’tseehissmile,butIpictureitinmyhead,faint,warm,beautiful.Itakeadeep,shudderingbreath,tryingtorelaxintothesheets,feelinghiseyesroammybody.Hisfingerstraildownmybackandthenhebeginstoarrangemeeversoslightly,tiltingmyhipsatadifferentangle.
Leviexhales.“Allthoseyearsago.Andthenlater.TherewerelotsofthingsthatIimagineddoingtoyou,butIalwayswentbackto…”Hetrailsoff.ForafewsecondsIhearverylittle,butit’sokay.I’munwindingfromthetrembling,needy,overheatedmesshemakesofme,andit’sgoodtohaveamomenttocalmdown.It’llbenicetokeepsomedignityinthisbed—
Thepalmsofhishandsmovebetweenmylegsandspreadthemapart.Mypantiesareyankedallthewaytotheside.Igasp,feelingcoldaironmycore,feelingsoopen,exposed,it’salmostobscene.“Youlook…”Hisvoiceisquiet,andthenhehalfexplodesinalow,“Fuck.”I’mafractionofasecondfromaskinghimwhat’swrongwithmewhenIfeelhimpullmyhipshigher.
“Levi?”
Histongue,hislips,hisnosepressintomefrombehind,andIinhalesharply.Firstit’scareful,delicatelicks,flickingmyclitandnudgingmyopening;thenit’sdeepkisses,mappingmethoroughly.
“OhmyGod,”Imoan.
Hisonlyresponseisalow,satisfiedgrowlagainstmyfolds,andIdon’tknowifit’sthevibrations,ortheenthusiasticwayhe’sworkingonme,orthefactthathe’sholdingmewideopenlikeIamafeastmadeforhimtoconsume,butmybellytenses,andmylimbsareshaking,andkeepingmypleadingnoisesinisalosinggame.Itcan’tlast,notlikethis.Ittakeshimlessthanaminutetopushmetumblingovertheedge.
Thisisnotmybody.Ormaybeitis,butLevi’sincharge,andIdon’tmind.Thepleasuretakesover,crashesovermelikeatidalwave,andbeforeitevendriesoutIfeelhimrearrangingmeoncemore,pressingmystomachintothemattressagainuntilI’mathismercy.
Hisfingersareonme,partingmeopen.Thenthereisastretch,asplit-secondburn,andhe’spushingdeepinside.Hewastherebeforeanditwasheaven,butI’mwetternow,andthefrictionisevenmoredelicious.Ifeelmyselftighten,quick,flutteringcontractionsaroundhislength.
Thisis.So.Unbelievably.Good.
“Jesus,”Levigrunts.Testsadeep,shakythrust.“You’restillcoming,aren’tyou?”
Yes.No.Idon’tknow.Itwistmyneckandturnback.He’slookingdownatme.Atmyflushedskinandmytremblingflesh.He’snotgoingtostopanytimesoon,Iknowit.I’mgoingtocomedisastrouslyquickly,again,ormaybeI’llneverstop,andhe’sgoingtostareatmeforeverylastsecondofit.Cagingme,proppeduponhishuge,shakingarms,withthathungry,spellboundgleaminhiseyes.“You’resomekindoffantasy.Builttodothis.Builtforme.Fuck,Bee.”Hisrhythmpicksup.Unevenandchoppy,butitpicksup.
AndIcan’tbearit.
“Youcan’t,”Imoan.
Heimmediatelypauses.
“No,”Iwhine.“Don’tstop.”
“Yousaid—?”
“Just…Please,don’tlookatme.”
Heseemstofinallygetit.“Hush.”Helowershimselfandpressesakisstomycheekbones.It’sgetting—it’simpossible,butit’sgettingevenbetter.He’sfigureditout,theinsideofme.Howtoanglehisthrusts.They’remoreshallow,morepurposeful,andI’m
Babbling.ThingslikeOhmygodandMoreandPleaseandPleaseharderandhesomehowknowswhatImean.Hemakessenseofme,andbendsdowntorunhistonguedowntheskinofmythroat,tobitemyshoulder,togrunthispleasureagainstmynape.
“I’mnotsure,”hemurmursgutturally,breathharshagainstmyear,“howIhaven’tcomeyet.”
Meneither,Ithink.Isayhisname,muffledinthepillow,andjustletgo.19
BASOLATERALAMYGDALA:ARACHNOPHOBIA
I’DLIKETOtakebackeverythingI’vesaidsofar.
Well,noteverything.JustthewholeI’mgoingtodedicatemylifetothepursuitofneuroscienceandforsakeallbodilypleasurewiththesoleexceptionofveganNutellabitI’vebeengoingonabout.I’dliketotakethatpartback:havingafriend-slash-coworker-slash-whateverwithbenefitssuitsme.Deliciously,fantastically,magicallyso.Iamunbothered.Moisturized.Happy.Inmylane.Focused.Flourishing.IsuspectI’mhavingthebestweeksofmyadultlife—includingtheonespentasaDonuts&ArtCampcounselor,wheretheextentofmydutieswastostuffmyfacewithfrostingandkeepaneyeonten-year-oldsastheyproclaimedthatCézanne’spaintingswere“cute,butveryorange.”Maybeit’sthemind-alteringsex.I’msureit’sthemind-alteringsex.Undoubtedlyit’sthemind-alteringsex,butthere’smorethanthat.
TakeBLINK,forexample:thedemonstrationissetfornextFriday.WouldIfeelatadmorerelaxedifIhadfourmoreweeksbeforeBorisdragshalfofCongressinfrontofme?Ofcourse.I’mobsessiveandliketobeoverprepared.Buteverysingletestweransinceourbreakthroughgaveusexcellentresults.We’removingtoastagethatfeelsless“thanklessgruelinggroundwork”andmore“groundbreakingscientificadvance,”andmostoftheballsareinmycourt.Eachhelmethastobecustomizedfortheastronautwho’llwearitbasedonthemappingoftheirbrain.It’salotoffine-tuning,andIloveeverysecondofit.Everyonedoes:seeingsomethingwe’vebeenworkingontirelesslyyieldresultsisabigmoraleboost,andtheengineershavebeenarrivingearlyandstayinglate,buzzingaroundLeviandmewithconstantquestions,and…
We’vebeenkeepingitsecret.ThisthingLeviandIaredoing.Obviously.There’snopointintellingtheengineers.OrRocío.OrGuy—whomostlyalternatesbetweenquestionsaboutmynonexistenthusbandandinvitingLeviout.OnWednesdayit’s:“Basketballtonight?”OnThursday:“Beers?”Friday:“What’sgoingonthisweekend?”I’dfeelguiltyatLevi’sstandardresponse(“Sorry,man,I’mswamped.”),butit’sonlytemporary.Justoneofthosethings:girlwithnointerestinrelationshipsmeetsdudewhowasintoheryearsagoandtheytakeupthehorizontalmambo—nostringsattached.InafewweeksI’llbehome,andGuywillhaveLevialltohimself.Inthemeantime,we’restockingupontimetogetherlikecamels.Timeandsex.HaveImentionedthesex?Imustbetwentyhoursbehindonsleep,butsomehowI’mnottired.Mybodymightbeevolvingintoasophisticatedbioweaponcapableofconvertingorgasmsintorest.
“Youshouldjustmovein,”LevitellsmeonFridaymorning.Iblinkbleary-eyedovercoffeehepouredme,mybrainstrugglingtodecipherthewords.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Bringyourstuffhere.”Hejustgothomefromhisrunandlookssweaty,disheveled,anddisturbinglygood.“Packabag.Thenyouwon’thavetogobackandforthtogetachangeofclothes.It’snotyourrealapartmentanyway.”
Istudyhimovermymug.Maybehe’ssufferingfromheatstroke.“Ican’tmoveinwithyou.”I’mprettysurethere’slanguageaboutthatinthefuckbuddyingcontract.
“Why?”
“Because.Whatifyouneedto…”Watchpornography?Heprobablywouldn’t—I’dbehislive-inpornography.Bringhomeothergirls?Idon’tseehimdoingthat,either.Mancaveitup?It’sabighouse.Walkaroundnaked?Healreadydoesit.Ican’tbelieveI’mhavingsexwithsomeonewithasix-pack.
“I’mserious,”hecontinues.“Ihaveabetterbed.Bettercat.Betterhummingbirds.”
“Lies.Therearenohummingbirdsinyourgarden.”
“Theyshowupwhenyou’renotaround.You’llhavetomoveintoseethem.”
“Rocíomightnotice.”
Heisquiet,waitingformetoelaborate.“And?”
“ThenKayleewould.Andshemighttellothers.IfI’dfoundoutthatSamwasscrewingDr.Mosleyontheside,I’dhaveholleredittothewinds.”Ifrown.“I’mamonster.PoorSam.”
“IfKayleetellsothers,thenshetellsothers.That’snotaproblem.”
Irubmyeyes.“I’mnotsureIwantyourentireteamtoknowthatI’mhavingathingwithacolleague.Itsoundslikethetypeofthing…”
“…forwhichwomeninSTEMgetunfairshitallthetime?”
“Yup.”
“Fair.ButevenifRocíonoticed,shewouldn’tknowthatyouareatmyplace.Plusshemighthaveotherstuffonhermind,giventhenumberoftimesI’veheardherandKayleecalleachother‘babe’inthelastweek.”
“True.”Ibitemylowerlip,actuallyconsideringmovingin.AmIinsane?Idon’tthinkso.Ijustlikehim—likethis,beingwithhim.FuckbuddyshipwithLeviWardsuitsme,andIjustwant…alittlemoreofit.“FYI,Iweararetaineratnight.”
“Sexy.”
“Andyourbathroomwillbestainedpurpleforever.Seriously.Fiveshowersandyourbathtubwillbeagianteggplantemoji.”
Hegivesmeasolemnnodandpullsmecloser.“It’severythingIeverwanted.”
???
IT’SSATURDAYMORNINGandwe’recookingtogether—bywhichImeanLevi’smakingpancakesandI’mstandingnexttohim,stealingblueberriesandtellinghimaboutTheMermaid’sTale,theYoungAdultbookideaI’vebeennursingsincegradschool(nothinglikeananoscopicofficeandperenniallyskirtingthepovertylinetostimulateagal’simaginationforescapistfiction).
“Wait.”Hefrowns.“Ondinedoesn’tknowshe’shalfmermaidbeforejoiningtheswimteam?”
“Nope,shedoesn’tknowshewasadopted.Shefindsoutonthefirstpractice,whentheythrowherinthewaterandsheswimsonelapin…I’llhavetoresearchhowlongittakestoswimonelap,butshe’sasfastas…”
“MichaelPhelps?”Leviflipsapancake.
“Sure,whoeverthatis.AndJoeWaters,cutestseniorinschool,seesherandbecomesherfaithfulsidekickinherjourneyofself-discovery.”
“Dotheyenduptogether?”
“Nope.Hegoestocollege,shesproutsatail.”
“Can’ttheydolongdistance?”
“No.Iwon’tlietoimpressionableyouthsaboutthedurabilityofhumanrelationships.”
Hescowls.“That’sabadending—”
“It’snot—it’smer-mazing!”
“—andlong-distancerelationshipsarenotalie.”
“Happy-endinglong-distancerelationshipssureare.Justlikeallotherhappy-endingrelationships.”
Hepinsmewithalook.Thecornersofthepancakearedarkeningdangerously.“Andourswillendpoorly,too?”
“Nah.”Iwavemyhand.“We’llbefine,becausewe’recasual.”
Hestiffens,lipsthinning.“Isee.”Herelaxeswithvisibleeffort,and…there’ssomethingoddabouthisexpression.
“What’sthatface?”Iask.
“Whatface?”
“Thatone.Theoneyouputonwhenyou’reabouttotrytoconvincemethatNirvanaisbetterthanAniDiFranco.”
“I’mnotgoingtotrytoconvinceyou.”
“Ah.SoyouadmitthatI’mright.”
“You’renotright.You’restubborn,andmisguided,andoftenwrong—aboutmusicandotherthings.Butthere’snouseintryingtoreasonwithyou.”Heleanscloserandkissesme—lingering,soft,deep.Ilosemyselfalittle.“I’lljusthavetoshowyou.”
“Showmewh—?”
Levi’sphonerings.Hetakesamomenttoturnoffthestovebeforepickingup.“Yes?”
Thevoiceontheotherendisalmostfamiliar—LilySullivan.
“Hey.I’mwithBee.”Igivehimacuriouslook.WhywouldLilyknowwhoIam?“Sure.Ofcourse…I’llask.”Hepresseshisphoneagainsthisshoulder,lookingatme.“Anyinterestinspendingafewhourshangingoutwithasix-year-oldwhowantstobeaspidervetandhasstrongopinionsonPokémons?”
I’mbrieflyconfused.ThenIrealizewhathe’saskingandmyfacesplitsintoagrin.“Lotsofinterest.But,Levi?”Iwhisperasheputsthephonebacktohisear.“Pokémonisuncountable.”
???
LILYSULLIVANISwarm,personable,andsweetinadeliciousSouthernwaythathasmeinstantlylikingherandfeelingwelcomeinherbeautifulEarlyAmericanhome.PennySullivan,though…IfallinlovewithPennythesecondIlaymyeyesonher.
Nottrue.Ifallforherwhenshelooksupfromlyingfacedownonthelivingroomrugandmoanswithwide,pleadingeyes,“Mykingdom.MyentirekingdomforaTwinkie.”
“She’sonherfourthdayofKeto,”Lilywhispers.“Forherepilepsy.”Shegivesmethedolefullookofamotherwho’sbeenfeedingherkideggsandavocadosfortoomanymeals.“Idon’tthinksheeveraskedforaTwinkiebeforetoday.”
Irememberthecravingsofnine-year-oldBee,whowasbrutallyinformedbyhercousinMagdalenathatgummybearsaremadewithanimalbonesanddidn’tfindoutaboutveganalternativesforyears.“Yeah,dietsarefunnylikethat.”
ThoughPennyseemsfinenowthatLevi’shere,laughinguncontrollablywhenhepicksherup,throwsheroverhisshoulder,andstartsmakinghiswayacrossthehouse.“PennyLaneandIwillbeinthebackyard,ifyouwanttojoinus.”It’sclearthattheyhavearoutine,whichconsistsofLevipushingalongswingthatdanglesfromthebranchofatalltree,andPennyyelling,“More!More!”asLilysitsonthepatioandsmilesfondlyatthem.Itakethechairnexttohers,andthankherwhenshepoursmeaglassoflemonade.
“I’msogladyoucameover.Pennywassupposedtohaveasleepovertonight,butwepostponedaftertheseizureearlierthisweek.Shedidn’ttakeitwell.”
“I’dbegrumpy,too.Andit’snoproblematall—yourhomeissolovely,thankyouforhavingme.”
Shesmiles,coveringmyhandwithherpalm.“Thankyoufornotthinkingthat”—shegesturesvaguelytoherself,thehouse,Levi,andevenme—“allofthisisweird.Havingthiswomanwho’salwayscallingthemanyou’redating—”
“Oh,it’snotlikethat.We’rejust—”Myeyesdarttotheswing.CanItalkaboutsexwithinonehundredfeetofachild?Istherealawagainstit?
“Itmustbeuncomfortable,consideringthatLeviandIonce…”Shegivesmeanapologeticlook.Iwanthertostoptalkingaboutthisformanyreasons,includingthefactthatwhileIhavenorighttobejealous,judgingbythelittlepanginmystomachI…apparentlyam?Alittlebit?Yikes,me.“It’slongover,”Lilycontinues.“Anditwasjustafewweeks.WemethereinHoustonwhenhecametospendthesummerwithPeter,beforethelastyearofhisPh.D.ThenhewentbacktoPittsburgh.Weweresupposedtotrylongdistance,buthesaidhemetsomeoneelse….”
Thepangturnsintoathud.WhodidLevimeetinhisfifthyear?Well,me.Duh.Buthecan’thavebrokenupwithsomeonelikeLilyfor—
“WhenhetoldPeterthatwe’dsplit,Peteradmittedthathelikedmeandaskedmeout.”Shespreadsherhands,asthoughshecannotbelieveherownstory.“Wegotmarriedtwomonthslater,andIgotpregnantrightafter.Canyoubelieveit?”
Ismile.“It’ssoromantic.I’msosorryaboutwhathappenedtoPeter.”
“Yeah.Itwas…It’snoteasy.”Shelooksaway.“Thankyouforwhatyou’redoingforBLINK.Iknowit’shighsecurityandyoucan’ttalkaboutit,butwhenyoucameonboard,Levimentionedwhatanassetyou’dbe.Itmeansalot,havingsomeonelikeyoucarryoutPeter’slegacy.AndthankyouforsharingLeviwithus.”
There’salumpinmythroat.“He’snotminetoshare.”
“Ithinkhemightbe,actually.Oh,thatlittle—Penny,youneedahat!Youcan’tbeinthesunlikethat!”
“LevisaidIcould!”
Leviliftsoneeyebrow,clearlyhavingsaidnosuchthing.Pennysullenlystalkstohermother,onlytostopinfrontofmewithashy,hesitantlook.
“Doesthathurt?”sheasks,shiftingherweightfromonefoottotheother.
“What—Oh,mynosepiercing.JustatinybitwhenIfirstgotit,manyyearsago.”
Shenodsskeptically.“IsyournamereallyBee?”
“Itis.”
“Likethebug?”
“Yup.”
“Why?”
LeviandIlaugh.Lilycovershereyeswithahand.
“Mymomwasapoet,andshereallylikedasetofpoemsaboutbees.”
Pennynods.Apparently,itmakesasmuchsensetoherasitdidtoMariaDeLuca-K?nigswasser.“Where’syourmom?”
“Gone,now.”
“Oh.Mydaddy’sgone,too.”Icanfeelthetensionintheadults,butthere’ssomethingmatter-of-factaboutthewayPennytalks.“What’syourfavoriteanimal?”
“WillyoubedisappointedifIdon’tsaybees?”
Shemullsitover.“Depends.Notifit’sagoodone.”
“Okay.Arecatsgood?”
“Yes!They’reLevi’sfavorite,too.Hehasablackkitty!”
“That’sright,”Leviinterjects.“AndBeehasakitty,too.Asee-throughone.”
Iglareathim.
“Myfavoriteanimalsarespiders,”Pennyinformsme.
“Oh,spidersare,um”—Isuppressashudder—“cool,too.Mysister’sfavoriteanimalsareblobfish.Haveyoueverseenone?”
Hereyeswiden,andsheclimbsonmylaptolookatthepictureI’mpullinguponmyphone.God,Ilovechildren.Ilovethischild.IlookupandnoticethewayLevi’sstaringatmewithanoddlightinhiseyes.
“Isyoursisterachild?”Pennyasksaftermakingafaceattheblobfish.
“She’smytwin.”
“Really?Doesshelooklikeyou?”
“Yep.”Iscrolltomyfavoritesandtaponapictureofthetwoofusatfifteen,beforeIstartedwhatReikecallsmy“journeyofsoft-corebodymodification.”“Wow!Whichoneisyou?”
“Ontheright.”
“Doyougetalong?”
“Yeah.Well,weinsulteachotheralot,too.Butyeah.”
“Doyoulivetogether?”
Ishakemyhead.“Iactuallydon’tseeherinpersonmuch.Shetravelsalot.”
“Areyoumadthatshe’sgone?”
Ah,children.Andtheirloadedquestions.“Iusedtobe.ButnowI’mjustabit…sad.Butit’sokay.SheneedstotraveljustasmuchasIneedtostayput.”
“Myfriendsaidthatifyou’reatwin,yourchildrenwillbetwins,too.”
“Youhaveahigherprobability,yes.”
“Doyouwanttwins?”
“Penny,”Lilyreprimandshergently,“nogrillingguestsonfamilyplanningbeforelunch.”
“Oh,that’sfine.Iwouldlovetohavetwins.”Iusedtodreamofit,actually.EventhoughatthispointIprobablywon’t.Forobviousreasons.ThatIwon’tbotherPennywith.
Shesmiles.“That’sgood,becausesodoesLevi.”
“Oh.Oh,I—”IfeelmyselfgocrimsonandlookatLevi,expectingtofindhimjustasembarrassed,buthe’sstaringatmewiththesameexpressionfrombefore,onlyabouttwentytimesmoreintense,and—
“Doesanyonewantsherbet?”Lilyasks,clearlypickingupontheweirdness.
“Mother,”Pennysaysdarkly,“mustyoutortureme?”
“Igotspecialicecreamatthestoreforyou.”Penny’seyeswidenandsherunsinsidethehouse.“Poorgirl,”Lilymuttersaswefollowherinside.“Ketoicecream’sprobablydisgusting.”
“Youunderestimatehowdesperateshemightbe,”Itellher.“TherearethingsIusedtofindappallingaftergoingveganthatIstartedlovingoutof—”
“Bee!Bee!Look,Iwanttoshowyousomething!”
“What’sthat?”Ismileandcrouchtoherheight.
“ThisisShaggy,my—”
Myeyesfallonthestuffedtarantulaplushtoyinherhands,andsoundrecedes.Myvisionfogs.I’mhotandcoldatthesametime,andallofasudden,everythinggoesdark.
???
“THATWASSOcool!Levi,Iloveyourgirlfriendsoooomuch!”
“Iknowthefeeling.”
“Goodness.ShouldIcall911?”
“Nah,she’sfine.”Everything’sfoggy,butIthinkI’minLevi’sarms.He’spatientlyholdingmyheadup,noconcerninhistone.Infact,hesoundsweirdlycharmed.“Thishappenstohereveryotherday.”
“Slander,”Imumble,fightingtoopenmyeyes.“Lies.”
Hesmilesdownatmeand—he’ssohandsome.Ilovehisface.“Lookwho’sgracinguswithherpresence.”
“Isitlowbloodsugar?”Lilyasksapprehensively.“CanIgetyouanythingto—?”
“Beeislikeme!”Pennyissaying,clappingherhandsexcitedly.“Shehasthesameburstsofelectricityinherbrain!Shehasseizures!”
“It’sabitlikeseizures,”Isay,straighteningup.
“Beehasauselessparasympatheticnervoussystem,whichisanendlesssourceofentertainment,”LeviexplainstoPenny.
“Excuseme.”Iscowl.“Someofusdon’thavetheluxuryofstablebloodpressure.”
“Ididn’tsayitwasn’tcute,”hemurmursinaudiblyagainstmytemple.Thescratchofhisstubbleagainstmyskinisrough.Hislips,soft.
Pennyseemstobeafan,too.“Doesyourtwinfaint,too?”
“Nope.Shegotallthebestthings.”LiketheabilitytoburptheFrenchnationalanthem.
“It’ssocool!”
“It’sactuallyaverymaladaptiveautonomicresponse.”
“Canyoudoitagain?”
“Notreally,sweetie.Notoncommand.”
“Whendoyoudoit,then?”
“Itdepends.Sometimesit’shighlystressful,surprisingsituations.Othertimesit’sjustseeingthingsthatI’mafraidof,likesnakesorspiders.”
Penny’seyeswiden.“SoifIshowyouShaggyagain—”
LeviandLilyyell,“No!”atthesametime,butit’stoolate.Pennywhipsthetoybackoutfrombehindherback,andeverythinggoesdarkagain.
???
WESTAYWITHtheSullivansallday,andafterShaggygetslockedinanout-of-reachcupboard,wehaveablast.Bythetimewe’rereadytoleave,IknowmoreaboutPokémonthanIevercaredto,andPennyhastriedtomakemefaintagainapproximatelytwentytimesbydrawingspidersoneveryavailablepieceofpaper.
Thatlittlemonster.Ilovehertodeath.
Butwhenwesaygoodbyeintheentrance,agreeingthatweshoulddoitagainsoon,it’sabitlikeapianofortecrashingonmyhead.
“HowlongwillyoubeinHouston?”Lilyasks.
AllIcandoisburrowfartherintoLevi’sside.“Unclear.Theprojectwasoriginallysupposedtolastaroundthreemonths,butthingsaregoingverywell,so…”Ishrug.Levi’sarmtightensaroundme.I’mfullyawarethatLeviandIaretheMerriam-Websterdefinitionoftransitory.ButI’menjoyingthissomuch.Hiscompany.Hisfriends.Hisfood.I’llbesadwhenthisisoverinacoupleofweeks.
“Areyourparentsstillgoingtobeintownnextweek?”Lilyasks.
Levi’sarmtightensagain,thistimeinacompletelydifferentfashion.Beforeitwaspossessive,comforting.Nowit’sjusttense.“Yeah.”
“Ugh.Sorryaboutthat.Letmeknowifyouneedanything.”
Curious,Ibringitupassoonaswe’realoneinthetruck.“Yourfamilywillbehere?”
Hestartsthetruck,lookingstraightahead.I’mbeginningtorecognizehismoods,butthisoneI’mnotfamiliarwith.Yet.“Myparents.There’ssomeeventontheAirForcebasehere.”
“Andyou’regoingtoseethem?”
“We’llprobablyhavedinner.”
“When?”
“Notsure.Myfatherwillletmeknowwhenhe’sfree.”
Inod.AndthenIhearavoicethatsoundsalotlikemineask,“CanIcome?”
Hepuffsoutalaugh.“Areyouafanofstrainedsilencesinterruptedbytheoccasional‘Passthegarlicsalt’?”
“Itcan’tbethatbad.Otherwiseyouwouldn’tevengettogether.”
“You’dbesurprisedbythelengthsmyfatherwillgotoletmeknowthedepthofhisdisappointment.”
“Whataboutyourmom?”
Hejustshrugs.
“Listen—IcandrophintsonhowamazinglyBLINKisgoing.Icansaythatyou’rethego-toengineerformostneuroscientists.IcanprintoutyourNaturepublicationanduseittogentlydabmymouthafterthefirstcourse.”
“Therebetteronlybeonecourse.And,Bee—”Heshakeshishead.“It’snotthatIdon’twantyoutomeetthem,orthatI’membarrassed.It’sjustthatit’sgoingtobetrulybad.”
Atleastyouhaveashittyfamilytoholdonto,Ithink,butIdon’tsayit.I’malmostpositivethatLevi’sparentsarenotashorribleashesays.I’mequallypositivethatheexperiencesthemlikethat,andthat’sallthatmatters.“Idon’twanttobepushy,butIalsoreallywanttobethere.Icouldcome,andwecouldpretendthatI’myourgirlfriend.”
Hegivesmeapuzzledlook.“Therewouldn’tbemuchtopretend.”
“No—wecanpretendthatwe’reaninchfrommarriage.Icanputonmylotusseptumringandleavemytattoosout.I’llwearmyAOCtopandrippedjeans.Thinkhowmuchthey’llhateme!”
Icanseehowlittlehewantstosmile,andhowlittlehecanhelpit.“Noonecouldhateyou.Notevenmyfather.”
Iwinkathim.“Gameon,then.”20
VENTRALTEGMENTALAREA:ROMANTICLOVE
LEVI’SFATHER,ASitturnsout,isperfectlycapableofhatingme.AndsoareLevi’smotherandhiseldestbrother,whojoinusfordinnerinaless-than-pleasantly-surprisingplottwist.
Butfirstthingsfirst.BeforeTheDinnertherearedaysofintenseprepfortheupcomingBLINKdemonstration.Boltsaretightened;stimulatingfrequenciesareadjusted;Guyisprodded,poked,andshockedonhisscalp.He’satrooper:thedemonstrationisaboutthehelmet,butastestsubjectnumberonehe’llbefrontandcenter,andit’sclearthathe’snervousaboutit.Inthepastcoupleofdayshe’sbeenmoody,anxious,andmoretiredthanever.Ithinkhe’sbeenkeepinghisfearstohimselftoavoiddisruptingmorale,whichmakesmewanttohughim.TheothernightIstoppedbyhisofficetocheckonhim:hestartledlikeacoilspringandquicklyclosedallhistabs.Iguessevenastronautsde-stressonYouPorn?
RocíoandKayleearegettingchummierandchummier.IoverheartheminthebreakroomwhileheatingupthestirfryImadeyesterdayinanattempttoimpressLeviwiththeonedishIcancook—whichresultedinthepainfulrealizationthatIcancookzerodishes.
“Ifshe’swillingtosayafewwordsabouthowthemovementstarted,thatwouldbeamazing,”Rocíoissaying.
“Sheseemsprettyprivate.”
“Wecouldblurherface.Auto-tuneher.Useaheliumvoiceapp.”
“Baby,thatwouldundercuttheseriousnessofthemessage.”
“WhataboutaGuyFawkesmask?”
“IdoloveVforVendetta—butno.”
“Whatareyouguystalkingabout?”Iask,spearingapieceofcarrotthatmanagestobeatonceburntandundercooked.Amazing.Thishastobeatransferableskillset.
“Youknow#FairGraduateAdmissions,right?”Kayleeasks.
IdropmycarrotbackintotheTupperware.“Ah…vaguely.”
“It’saboutguaranteeinginclusivityintheadmissionprocess.Studentorganizationsarereallyactiveinthemovement,butRoandIaretechnicallynotstudents,so…”Sheturnsherlaptop.“We’remakingthe#FairGraduateAdmissionswebsite!Notreadyyet,butwe’lllaunchitsoon.Therewillbeinformation,resources,mentorshipopportunities.Andwe’llaskMarieCurieforaninterview.”
Ifinishchewingandswallow.EventhoughIneverputthecarrotinmymouth.Imustbeeatingmytongue.“MarieCurie?”
“NottherealMarieCurie!Thatwouldbehilarious,though!”Kayleegigglesatthemisunderstandingforabouthalfaminute.Rocíostaresatherfortheentireduration,heart-eyed.Ah,younglove.“It’sthepersonwhostartedtheconversation.Wewanttolaunchthewebsitewithherinterview,butshe’sprettyanon.”Shespreadsherhands.Hernailsareaniridescentbabyblue.
Iclearmythroat.“Shemightagreetodoitviaemail.”
“Thisisactuallyagreatidea!”RoandKayleeexchangeanoffensivelyimpressedlook.ThenKayleelicksherthumbandwipessomethingfromthecornerofRocío’seye.“Hangon,baby.Youhaveasmudge.”
IwalkoutoftheroomholdingRocío’sgazeandmouthing,“Goodbye,baby.”IcannotoverstatehowmuchIlovethisrelationshipdevelopment.
WithsomuchatstakeforFriday,everyone’stoofrantictonoticethatLevihastakentobringingcoffeetomyworkstation;tomakingsurethatIdon’tgotoolongwithoutabreak;tosmilingfaintlyandaskingifI’mgoingtopassoutwheneverabugfliesintothelab;toteasingmeaboutthelittlemoundsoftreatsIleaveforFélicette.
Ihavenoticed.AndIknowhe’sjustbeingafriend,akindperson,anawesomecollaborator,butithurtsalittle.Nothurthurt.Butthosepangs?ThoselittletwingesIexperiencewhenLevistaresatme?Whenwe’rerunningtogetherandheeffortlesslymatcheshispacetomine?WhenheleavesmetheyellowveganM&Msbecauseheknowsthey’remyfavorites?(Yes,theytastebetterthanthered.)Well,thoselittletwingesarestartingtogetabitpainful.Knifingatmygeneralchestarea.
Weird.Odd.Strange.Peculiar.ImakeanoteinmyRemindersapp:VisitprimarycaredocinBethesda.I’moverdueforacheckup.
Anywho.Work’sfantastic,sexisevenbetter,and#FairGraduateAdmissionsisabouttoshakethingsupinacademia,thelastbastionofthemedievalguildapprenticeshipmodel.Thingsaregoinggreat,right?
Wrong.Let’sloopbacktoTheDinner.
Thefirsthintthatitmightpossiblynotgosuperwell(or,asIthinkofit,myfirstUh-Oh?)comeswhenIfindoutthatLevi’sfamilysuggestedhavingdinneratanupscalesteakhouse.AndwhenIsay“suggested,”Imeandecided.I’venoproblemwithpeopleeatingmeat,butthecompletedisregardforLevi’sdietarypreferencesseemslessthanfatherly.
Thesmellofgrilledsteakenvelopsusthesecondwestepinside.IglanceupatLeviandhesays,apologetic,“I’llmakeyoudinnerafterward.”Whichcausesabitofa…tsunamiinsideme.Seriously.Thepangs?Thosearenothing.I’mbeingsweptoverbyaridiculoussurgeofaffectionforthisveganmanwhoseprobablyannoyingparentsinvitedhimtoasteakhouse,andwhosefirstconcernisthatIdon’tgohungrytonight.It’sawarmfeelingthatthreatenstoexplodeinsidemychest,whichiswhyIstophimintheentrancewithahandonhisgraybutton-downandpullhimtomeforakiss
Wedon’texactlykissinpublic.Andeveninprivate,I’mnotusuallytheonewhoinitiatescontact.Hiseyeswiden,butheinstantlybendstomeetmehalfway.
“I’llalso,um,”Imurmuragainsthislips,“dostuffforyou.Afterward.”Whoa.Verysexy,Bee.Verysmooth,youtemptress.
Heflusheswithheat.“You…will?”
Inod,suddenlyshy.Butwekiss,andthat’smysecondUh-Oh?.Becauseathroatclearsbehindus,andIimmediatelyknowwhoseitis.
Oops.
Levi’sfatherisashorter,slightlylesshandsome,slightlylessbuiltversionofhim.Hismotheriswherehegetshiswavyhairandgreeneyesfrom.Andthethirdperson…There’sanothermanwiththem,andit’sclearthatLevi’ssurprised.Giventheresemblance,it’salsoclearthathe’sLevi’sbrother.
OhmyGod.ThisisLevi’sfamily.Levi’slife.Ifindmyselfincrediblycurious.Iwanttoknoweverythingabouthim.WhichisprobablywhyI’mstaringalittletoohardandmissingtheintroductions.Possibly,athirdUh-Oh?.
“…myeldestbrother,Isaac.AndthisisDr.BeeK?nigswasser.”
Ismile,readyformybrightestNicetomeetyou,butLevi’sfatherinterruptsme.“Agirlfriend,huh?”
Itrynottostiffen.“Yup.Coworker,too.”
Henodsindifferentlyandheadsforthetable,tossinganindifferent“Itoldyouheprobablywasn’tgay”tohiswife,whofollowshimwithahealthydoseofindifference.Isaacgoesnextafterabriefsmiletothetwoofus,atouchlessindifferent.Thekickeris,whenIglanceupatLevi,heseemsindifferent,too.Hejusttakesmyhandandleadsmetothetable.
“Youcanleaveanytime,okay?”Iwonderwhohe’stellingthatto.
LeviandIneedabouthalfasecondwiththemenubeforesettlingonourorder(housesalad,nocheese,oliveoildressing).We’resilentashisparentscontinueaconversationwithIsaacthatclearlybeganinthecar.NoonehasaskedLevisomuchas“Howareyou?”andheseems…disturbinglyfinewithit.Ifanything,helookselsewhere.Staringinthemid-distance,playingwiththefingersofmylefthandunderthetable,likeI’mamiraculousanti-stresstoy.I’mnoexpertinfamilydinners—orinfamilies—butthisisfuckedup.Sowhenthere’samomentofquietItrytoremindtheWardsofourexistence.
“Mr.Ward,doyou—”
“Colonel,”hesays.“Please,callmeColonel.”ThenimmediatelyturnstosaysomethingtoIsaac.How’sthatforafourthUh-Oh??
Thefirstinteractionisafterthefoodarrives.“How’syoursalad,Levi?”hismotherasks.Hefinisheschewingbeforesaying,“Great.”Hemanagestosoundsincere,asthoughhe’snotasixfour,two-hundred-poundbrickhousewhoneedsfourthousandcaloriesaday.Istudyhimindisbeliefandrealizesomething:He’snotcalm,orindifferent,orrelaxed.He’sclosedoff.Shuttered.Inscrutable.
“Allgoodatwork?”Isaacasks.
“Yup.Coupleofnewprojects.”
“Werecentlyhadabreakthroughonsomethingthathasthepotentialtobegreat,”Isayexcitedly.“SomethingLevi’sleading—”
“AnywayNASAwillreconsideryourapplicationfortheAstronautCorps?”theColonelasks,ignoringme.Uh-Oh?five.Shouldthishavebeenadrinkinggame?
“Idoubtit.UnlessIcutoffmyfeet.”
“Idon’tlikeyourtone,son.”
“Theywon’treconsider.”Levi’svoiceismild.Unbothered.
“TheAirForcehasnoheightrestrictions,”Isaacsayswithhismouthfull.“Andtheylikepeoplewithfancydegrees.”
“Yes,Levi.”Hismothernow.“AndtheAirForcewillonlytakeyouuntilyou’rethirty-nine.TheNavyis…”
“Forty-two,”Isaacsupplies.
“Yes,forty-two.Youdon’thavealotoftimetomakethedecision.”
IthoughtLevi’sparentswereprobablynotasterribleashemadethemouttobe,butthey’retentimesworse.
“AndtheArmy’sthirty-five—howoldareyou,Levi?”
“Thirty-two,mom.”
“Well,theArmyprobablywouldn’tbeyourfirstchoice—”
“WhatabouttheFrenchForeignLegion?”Iask,twirlingalockofpurplehair.Forksstopclinking.Threepairsofeyesstudymewithdistrust.Levi’sjust…alert,asthoughcuriousatwhatmighthappen.God,whathavethesepeopledonetohim?“WhataretheagerequirementsfortheFrenchForeignLegion?”
“Whywouldhewanttojoinanothercountry’sarmy?”theColonelasksicily.
“WhywouldhewanttojointheUSArmy?”Iquipback.IcannotbelievethatrottenTimCarsonspawnedfromaloving,perfectfamily,andsomeonewho’sasperfectandlovingasLevicomesfromsuchrottenrelatives.“OrtheAirForce,ortheNavy,ortheBoyScouts?It’sobviouslynothiscalling.It’snotasthoughheworksasanaccountantwhomoney-laundersforadrugcartel.He’saNASAengineercitedbythousandsofpeople.Hehasahigh-payingposition.”IactuallyhavenoideahowmuchLevimakes,butIliftoneeyebrowandcarryon.“He’snotwastinghislifeinadead-endjob.”
Uh-Oh?numbersix.Thedrinkinggamewastotallyamissedopportunity.Itsurewouldmakethesilencemorebearableasitstretches.Andstretches.Andstretches.
UntiltheColonelbreaksit.“MissK?nigswasser,youareveryrude—”
“She’snot,”Leviinterruptsfirmly.Calmly.Butforcefully.“Andshe’sadoctor.”Leviholdshisfather’sgazeforamoment,andthenmovesontohisbrother.“Whataboutyou,Isaac?How’sworkbeen?”
Ileanbackinmychair,noticingthesuspicious,hatefulwaytheColonelislookingatme.Igivehimafake,brightsmileandtuneintowhatLeviissaying.
???
THESECONDWE’REinthetruckItakeoffmyConverse,pushthesolesofmyfeetagainstthedashboard,and—Quasimotoesinfullsight—Iexplode.“Icannotbelieveit!”
“Mm?”
“It’sunfathomable.Weshouldmakeadamncasestudyoutofthis.Sciencewouldpublishit.Nature.TheNewEnglandJournalofdamnMedicine.ItwouldgetmeaNobelPrize.MarieCurie.MalalaYousafzai.BeeK?nigswasser.”
“Soundslovely.What’s‘it’again?”
“Attheveryleastwe’dgetshort-listed!WecouldtakeatriptoStockholm.Seethefjords.Meetupwithmywaywardsister.”
HeturnsuptheAC.“I’lltakeyoutoStockholmwheneveryoulike,butyou’llhavetogivemeatopicifyouwantmetofollowthisconversation.”
“Ijustcannotbelievehow—howwell-adjustedyouare!Imean,okay,youandIhavehadour…issueswhenitcomestosocialinteractions,butI’mbefuddledthatyouhaven’tturnedoutatitanicpsychopathdespitethefamilyyoucamefrom.Therehastobeamiracleinthere,no?”
“Ah.”Hehalfsmiles.“Doyouwanttogeticecream?”
“Youhadneithernaturenornurtureonyourside!”
“So,noicecream?”
“Ofcourseyesicecream!”
Henodsandtakesaright.“Therewassometherapyinvolved.”
“Howmuchtherapyarewetalkingabouthere?”
“Coupleyears.”
“Diditentailabraintransplant?”
“Justlotsoftalkingthroughhowmyinabilitytofunctionallycommunicatemyneedsstemmedfromafamilythatneverallowedmeto.Sameold.”
“Theystilldon’tallowyou!They’retryingto—toeraseyouandturnyouintosomethingelse!”Iamincensed.Enraged.Incensedlyenraged.IwanttomutateintoBeezillaandpillagetheextendedWardfamilyatthenextThanksgiving.Levibetterinviteme.
“I’vetriedtoreasonwiththem.I’veyelled.I’veexplainedmyselfcalmly.I’vetried…alotofthings,believeme.”Hesighs.“EventuallyIhadtoacceptwhatmytherapistalwayssaid:allyoucanchangeisyourownreactiontoevents.”
“Yourtherapistsoundsgreat.”
“Hewas.”
“ButIstillwanttocommitpatricide.”
“It’snotpatricideifit’snotyourownfather.”
Anangryscreambubblesoutofme.“Youshouldnevertalktothemagain.”
Hesmiles.“Thatwillsendastrongmessage.”
“No,seriously.Theydon’tdeserveyou.”
“They’renot…good.Forsure.I’veconsideredthepossibilityofcuttingthemoffmanytimes,butmybrothersandmymomaremuchbetterwhenmyfatherisn’taround.Andanyway…”Hehesitates.“Todaywasn’tthatbad.ItmighthavebeenthebestdinnerI’vehadwiththeminalongtime.WhichI’llchalkuptoyoutellingmyfathertocanitandshockinghimintotemporaryspeechlessness.”
Ifthatdinnerwas“notbad,”thenI’maK-popidol.IgazeattheduskyHoustonlights,thinkingthatthewayhisfamilytreatshimshoulddiminishhiminmyeyes,realizingthetruthisjusttheopposite.There’ssomethingpatientaboutthewayhequietlystandsupforhimself.Aboutthewayheseesothers.
Anotherpangnearmyheart.Idon’tknowwhatthey’reabout.Ijustreally…“Levi?”
“Mm?”
“Iwanttotellyousomething.”
“Itoldyou:yourlungsarenotshrinkingbecauseyou’retrainingfora5K—”
“Mylungsaretotallyshrinking,butthat’snotit.”
“What,then?”
Itakeadeepbreath,stillstaringoutthewindow.“Ireally,really,reallylikeyou.”
Hedoesn’treplyforalongmoment.Then:“I’mprettysureIlikeyoumore.”
“Idoubtit.Ijustwantyoutoknow,noteveryoneislikeyourfamily.Youcanbe…youcanbeyouwithme.Youcantalk,say,dohoweveryouwant.AndI’llneverhurtyouliketheydid.”Imakemyselfsmileathim.It’seasynow.“IpromiseIdon’tbite.”
Hereachesovertotakemyhand,hisskinwarmandroughagainstmine.Hesmilesback.Justalittle.
“Youcouldripmetoshreds,Bee.”
Wearesilentfortherestofthedrive
???
SCHR?DINGERBURROWEDINTOmybackpack,toreapackageofkalechips,decidedtheywerenottohisliking,andwentforanapwithhisheadpillowedonthehalf-emptybag.IburstintolaughterandforbidLevitowakehimupbeforeIcantakeamillionpicturestosendReike.It’sthebestthingtohappenallday—areminderthatwhileLevi’sactualfamilymightsuckballs,hischosenoneisthebest.
“I’mveryimpressed,”IcootoSchr?dingerwhilepettinghisfur.
“Don’tcuddlehim,orhe’llfeelrewarded,”Leviwarnsme.
“Areyoufeelingrewarded,kitty?”
Schr?dingerpurrs.Levisighs.
“WhateverBee’sdoing,donotexperienceitascuddles.Thosearepunishmentpets,”hesaysinwhatheprobablymeansasafirmtonebutisinsteadadorablyhelpless,andIgetanotherpang,tomyheartandmyovaries.Idohopehe’llhavekids.He’dbeanamazingdad.
“ThosechipswereonmydeskfordaysandFélicettenevermanagedtoopenthem.”
“Andthat’snotatallbecauseFélicettedoesn’texist,”Leviyellsfromthekitchen.
“YoushouldteachFélicetteyourways,”IwhispertoSchr?dinger,andthenjoinLeviinthekitchenjustintimetoseehimthrowawaywhat’sleftofmyunjustifiablyoverpricedWholeFoodschips.
“Areyoustillhungry?ShouldImakeyoufood?”
Ishakemyhead.
“Yousure?Idon’tmindmaking—”
HefallssilentasIfalltomyknees.Hiseyeswidenasmysmiledoes.
“Bee,”hesays.Thoughhedoesn’tquitesayit.Hemouthsitbreathlessly,likeheoftendoeswhenItouchhim.Andnowmyfingersareonhisbelt,whichqualifiesastouching.Right?“Bee,”herepeats,alittlegutturalthistime.
“IsaidI’ddostuff,”Itellhimwithasmile.Theclinkofhisbeltbucklebouncesoffthekitchenappliances.Hisfingersweaveintomyhair.
“Ifiguredyoumeant…watchingsportswithme.Oranotherofyourburnt—ah—stir-fries.”
Itakehimoutofhisboxersandwrapmysmallhandaroundhim.He’scompletelyhardalready.Huge.Shockinglywarmagainstmyflesh.Hesmellslikesoapandhimself,andIwanttobottlehisdeliciousscentandbringitwithmealways.“I’mnotverygoodatstir-fries.”Mybreathisonhisskin,makinghiscocktwitch.“This,IhopeIcandowell.”
I’mnotexactlyconfident,andmaybeI’malittleclumsy,too,butwhenIsoftlylicktheheadthereisaquiet,surprisedgroancomingfromaboveme,andIthinkthatmaybeI’llbefine.Iclosemylipsaroundhim,feelLevi’shandstightenonmyscalp,andmyinsecuritiesmelt.
Idon’tknowwhywehaven’tdonethisbefore.Ithastodo,perhaps,withhowimpatientheusuallyis,impatienttobeinme,onme,withme.Thereisoftenanundercurrentofhastewithus,likewebothwant,need,deservetobeascloseasphysicallypossible,asquicklyasphysicallypossible,and…Itdoesn’tleavemuchtimefordelays,Iguess.
Leviwantsit,though.Itmightnotbesomethinghe’deveraskfor,butIcanseetheshapeofpleasureonhisface,hearhisintakesofbreath.Isucklerightbeneaththeheadandheletsoutasoundofshocked,overwhelmingpleasure.Thenhethreadshisfingersthroughmyhairandstartsguidingme.He’stoothickformetodomuch,butItrytothis,howmuchheloves…
“Fuck.”Softly,withhisthumb,hetracesthebulgeofhiscockthroughtheskinofmycheek.Mylips,stretchedobscenelyaroundhim.“YoureallyareeverythingI’veeverwanted,”hemutters,gentle,reverent,hoarse,andthenhe’sanglingmeagain,thistimearhythmthat’sdeeper,purposeful,workingmyjawforhispleasure.Whenheholdsmecloseandsays,“I’mgoingtocomeinyourmouth,”likeit’sinevitable,likewebothneedthistoobadlytostop,IwhimperaroundhisfleshfromhowmuchIwantthisforhim.
Helosescontrolalittlewhenhecomes,hisgruntsdeepandunusuallyrough,hisgripviselike,andIfeelhisorgasmcoursethroughmeasifitweremyown.Isuckhimgentlythroughtheendofit,andwhenIlookupathimI’mwetandswollenandIfeelempty,trembling,amessylumponthefloor.
“Openyourmouth,”herasps.
Iblinkathim,confused.Hecupsmycheek.
“Iwantyoutoopenyourmouthandshowme.”
Icomply,andthesoundhemakes,possessiveandhungryandpleasedatlast,travelsthroughmelikeawave.HemassagesthebackofmyneckwhileIswallow,histhumbcaressesmyjaw,andwhenIsmileupathim,hestaresatmelikeI’vejustgiftedhimwithsomethingdivine.
It’salongnight,thisone.Somehowdifferentfromalltheothers.Levitakeshistimeundressingme,stoppingoften,lingering,losingtrackofhisprogressasifdistractedbymyflesh,mycurves,thesoundsImake.Imoan,Isquirm,Ibeg,andhestillwon’tslideinside,toobusytracingtheswellofmybreast,pressinghistongueagainstthebumpofmyclit,nuzzlingagainsttheskinofmythroat.Iteeterontheedgefortoolong,andsodoesLevi,immobilewithinme,thenthickanddeliciousandslow,slowinsideandthenslowout,long,druggingkissesstretchingthepleasurebetweenus,makingmybodytwitchforhisown.Andthenhelooksdownatme,handstwinedwithmyhands,eyestwinedwithmyeyes,breathtwinedwithmybreath.
“Bee,”hesays.Justmyname,halfgasp,allheatedplea.HestaresdownatmeasthoughIownhim.Asthoughhisfuturehangsfrommyhands.Asthougheverythinghe’severwanted,Iholditwithinme.Itmakesmychesthurtandleapwithadangerous,thunderouskindofjoy.
Iclosemyeyesnottoseeandlettheliquidheatswellinsidemelikethetide,highandlowallnightlong.21
RIGHTINFERIORFRONTALGYRUS:SUPERSTITION
THEYSAYDISASTERScomeinthrees,butit’snottrue.It’sjustaquirkofthehumanmind,alwaysonthelookoutforpatternsinrandomstatisticalobservationstomakesenseofchaos.
Forinstance,sayyou’reDr.MarieSk?odowska-Curie,circa1911.Yourhealthhasbeendecliningafterdecadesspentfrolickinginkiddiepoolsofpolonium.Everything’spainfulandyoucanbarelysee,walk,sleep,frolicinmorepolonium.Sucks,right?
Well,thingscouldsuckmore.Youdecidetodothatthingyou’vebeenputtingoff:applyingformembershipattheFrenchAcademyofSciences.YouhavetwoNobelPrizes,soyoushouldbeashoo-in,yes?Non.TheAcademyrejectsyou,andinsteadadmitsthisédouardBranlyguy,whoI’msurehasmanygreatqualities—suchasapenis.(Ifyou’rewondering“Who’sédouard?Neverheardofthisguy!”that’sexactlymypoint.Excellentjob,FAofS!TakeyourseatontheLoserSideofHistory,nexttotheUniversityofKrakow.)
Ourtallyistwomajorbummers,andyou’reprobablythinking:theshit-cakehasbeenfrosted.Noothercatastrophewillhappenforawhile.Butyouforgotthecherryontop:someonebreaksintoyouryoungstudmuffin’sapartment,stealsyourloveletters,andsellsthemtotheFoxNewsequivalentofearlynineteenth-centuryFrance.JeanHannityhasafieldday.
ImaginebeingDr.Curie.ImaginesittinginyourminusculeParisapartment,tryingtoeataCamembertbaguettewhilethemobragesoutsideyourwindowbecauseyoudared(gasp!)tobeanimmigrant!TobeawomaninSTEM!Tofuck!Wouldn’tyoutellyourselfthatthere’sareasonthisclusterofshitcameabout?SaturnascendingtothehouseofSagittarius.NotenoughlambssacrificedtotheSpaghettiMonster.Badthingscomeinthrees.We’reonlyhumans.We’refullof“whys,”drowningin“whys.”Everyonceinawhile,weneedabitof“because,”andifit’snotreadilyavailable,wemakeitup.
Longstorylong:despitepopularbelief,asayingisjustasaying,anddisastersdonotcomeinthrees.
Exceptwhentheydo.
ThefirstisonThursdaynight,rightafterthesuccessfuldressrehearsalforFriday’spresentation.I’malmostlookingforwardtoseeingTrevortomorrow—well,nothim,buthisfacewhenherealizeswhatmysimperingwomanlybrainhasaccomplished.IdistractedlyexchangeahighfivewithLamarwhilecheckingmyphone,andI’msoshockedbymyTwitternotificationsthatIforgetmyhandinmidair.
They’reblowingup.Inabadway.Astheyoftendo.Exceptthatthistimethechaoticmessofinsultsisn’tcomingfromtheincels,orthestemlords,orthemen’srightsactivists—butfromotherwomeninSTEM.
“Yougonnaleaveitthere?”Lamarasks,pointingatmyarm.Ismileweaklyandwalkaway.
@SabineMarchIcannotbelievehowyouhavebetrayedus.
@AstroLenaIhopeSTCpressescharges,youbitch.#WhatWouldMarieDoIsOverParty
@Sarah_08980HundredsofwomeninSTEMhavebeenworkingtirelesslyfor#FairGraduateAdmissions,andallalongyouhavebeenpretendingtobeanallywhileonlylookingoutforyourgain.Shame.
ThelasttweetisfromsomeoneI’vechattedwithasrecentlyasyesterday.Wetalkedabouttheeventsshewasorganizing,sheaskedmeforadvice,toldmeshelovedmyaccount.Iblinkatmyscreenandbeginscouringforthesourceofwhateverthehellthisis.
Ifinditsoonenough.OntheaccountofoneBenjaminGreen—anamethat’sfamiliarbutnoteasytoplaceuntilIreadtheTwitterbio.VPatSTC.Ifrown,andthenIseethetweet.
It’sascreenshot.Manyscreenshots.OfaconversationthathappenedinaprivateTwitterchatbetweenMr.Greenandsomeoneelse.SomeonewhoseiconlooksalotlikeMarieCuriewearingsunglasses.Ireadthename:@WhatWouldMarieDo.Me.
Impossible.I’veneverchattedwiththisguy.Irapidlyscanthehandleagain,one,two,threetimes,lookingfortyposormissinglettersthatwouldsignalanimposter.Therearenone.Ifrownandstartreadingtheconversation.Thetimestampisfromlastnight.
@WHATWOULDMARIEDOHi,Jonathan.I’mawarethisisabitunorthodox,butIhopethatwhatIhavetosaywillbebeneficialtothebothofus.IknowSTChasbeenstrugglingwiththenegativepublicity#FairGraduateAdmissionshasbroughtuponyou,andthatyouareconcernedaboutthemovementgainingevenfurthermomentum.Asyouknow,I’moneofitsmostprominentactivists,andplayedasignificantroleinitsinception.Youprobablyseemeasanenemy,butitdoesn’thavetobelikethat.
@WHATWOULDMARIEDOI’dliketoofferyouadeal.I’mopentohelpshiftthenarrativetowardSTC,andtotellmyfollowersandcollaboratorsthatthedemandsof#FairGraduateAdmissionsareexcessive.Thatwhiletheremightbeaneedforreform,wedoneedstandardizedtesting,andthereforeitwouldbeinourbestinteresttoworkwithcompaniesthatalreadyexisttoimproveoninstrumentsthatarealreadywidelyutilized.Ofcourse,Iwouldnotbedoingthisforfree.Myrealnameis,incaseyouneedtolookupmycredentials.Iamopentohearingyouroffers.
Iblinkatmyscreen,floored.ThenIscrolluptoreadthepubliccommentGreenmadeontopofthescreenshots.
@JgreenSTC#FairGraduateAdmissionsactivistsandtheuniversitiesandinstitutionswhotakethemseriouslyshouldreadwhat@WhatWouldMarieDo,oneoftheirleaders,askedofme.Thisistherealagendaofthismovement:extortion.
@JgreenSTCAtSTCwe’vedecidednottomakethisindividual’sidentitypublic(fornow.)We’reconsultingwithourlawyersandkeepingouroptionsopen.Inthemeantime,timetoreconsiderwhereyoustand#FairGraduateAdmissions.
Ifeellight-headed.BecauseIhaven’tbeenbreathing.Iforcemyselftoinhalesomeair,inandoutandinagain.Thishastobephotoshopped.Yes.There’snootherexplanation.Verywelldone,but…ingradschoolAnniephotoshoppedatentaclecomingoutofherbutt.Anything’spossible,right?
Isitatmydesk,noticingthatlotsofpeopleI’vetalkedwithrecentlyhaveblockedme—dotheybelievethisrubbish?Theycan’tpossibly.Theyknowme.Right?
MARIE:Shmac,IjustsawtheSTCshitshow.Haveyou?
Ibouncemyfootandwaitforhisanswer.MinuteslaterRocíocomesinandstartsslidingstuffintoherbackpack.WhenIsay“sliding,”whatImeanis“aggressivelythrowingasthoughshe’spracticingherpitchforanupcomingstoning.”
“Youokay?”Iask,regrettingitevenbeforethewordsareout.I’mprobablytooanxioustohelpherwithwhatevershe’sgoingtotellme.
“No.”
Shit.“IsKayleeokay?”
“No.Shefeelslikecrap.”Shezipsupherbackpack,forcefullyslidingherarmthroughoneofthestraps.“Alltheworkwe’vebeendoingfor#FairGraduateAdmissions,flusheddownthetoiletbecauseoneoftheleadersoutedherselfasadamncrook.”
Ifreeze.Ofalltheconversations,Icannotimagineonemoreuncomfortable,untimely,unpleasant—lotsofUns.
“I—Isaw,”Istammer.Mymouthisdry.“But…isthateventrue?It’sprobablysomethingmadeup—”
“Ibetit’snot.PeoplekeptsayingthatSTC’sscreenshotswerefake,sohegaveprooftosome#FairGraduateAdmissionsleaders.Mariereallydidslideintothisguy’sDMsandaskedformoney.Shefuckedusover—shewastheonewhostarted#FairGraduateAdmissions,sowewon’tbetakenseriouslyanylonger.Thatmeanslotsofhorriblethingsforlotsofgoodpeople—andevenforsomeevilones.Likeme.I’llhavetospendthousandsofdollarsIdon’thavetoretakeatestthat’slessvalidapredictorofmyabilitytosucceedingradschoolthanthenumberofmummifiedscorpionsIown.Whichisseven,bytheway.”Hervoicebreaksalittleonthelastword,whichinturnbreaksmyheart.Shelooksaway,butnotbeforeIcanseethelonetearslidingdownherface.“Iwon’tgetintoJohnsHopkins.I’llbeajoblessfailurewhileKayleegoestogradschoolandforgetsallaboutme.”
Istand.“No.No,itwon’thappen—”
“I’mjustsodisappointed.”Shetakesadeepbreath,shudderinganddespondent.“Youcan’ttrustanyone.Theworldreallyisavampire.”Sheshrugs,backpackbouncingonherslimshoulder.“Youshouldstopdoingthat,bytheway.”
“What?”Ifollowhergaze.She’sstaringatmyhand,whereI’mfuriouslytwistingmygrandmother’sring.
“YesterdayIspentfifteenminutesarguingwithGuyaboutwhetheryou’remarried.That’swhathappenswhenyouwearotherpeople’sweddingrings,Bee.”
Shit.Shit,shit,shit.DidGuyfindout?Hedidseemalittledistanttoday,butIthoughthewasjustnervousabouttomorrow’sdemonstration.ShouldIgofindhimtoexplain?
“Yougoinghome?”Rocíoasks.
“No,I…”IwassupposedtoleavewithLevi,asusual.ButIdon’tthinkIcanpretendnothinghappened,andtellinghimaboutthismessseems…well,Icould,Iguess.Ifthere’ssomeoneIcouldtrustwithWWMD,it’sLevi.ButmyshittymoodasItrytowranglemyonlineidentityisprobablymorethanhe’sbargainedfor.“Yeah,sure.I’llwalkwithyou.”
IshootLeviaquicktextaboutthechangeofplansandfallinstepwithRocío.Hedoesn’tansweruntilI’mhome,askingmeifeverything’sokay,ifIwanthimtopickmeup,ifheshouldstopby.Afewsecondslater,Shmacfinallyreplies:
SHMAC:Yeah.Isaw.
MARIE:Ihavenoideawhat’shappening.InevermessagedGreen,ofcourse.
SHMAC:Problemis,peopleon#FairGraduateAdmissionssidesaytheyhaveproofitwasyou.
MARIE:Please,tellmeyoudon’tbelievethem.
SHMAC:Idon’t.
Iclosemyeyes.ThankGod.
SHMAC:Letmethinkaboutthis,okay?Talktosomepeople.Theremustbeawaytofixthis.Also,checkyourlogs.Incaseyou’vebeenhacked.
Ihavenot.There’snothingoutofplace—everyaccesstomyaccounthasbeenfromHouston.I’mjittery,nervous,scared.Ipacearoundmyapartment,longandaggressivelyenoughthatit’sprobablyaworkout.IshouldlogitintothestupidexerciseappLevimademedownload(“You’llkeeptrackofyourprogress.It’llberewarding.”“Youknowwhatelseisrewarding?”“Don’tsay‘Notworkingout,’Bee.”“…Fine.”).I’mactuallyconsideringgoingforaruntoclearmyhead(HaveIbeenbody-snatched?Byaliens?)whenIgetanemailnotification.
It’sfromafancylegalfirm,onethatprobablyhaseightnamesonthewallandtoiletseatscoveredingoldleaf.Themessageisinnocentenough,butthere’saPDFattachedtoit.Istartskimmingthecontent,andthat’swhenmystomachandtheworldaroundmeturn.
Dr.K?nigswasser,
Thisletterisservedasnoticeofyourrecentactsofunwarrantedharassment.Youarerequiredtoceaseanddesistallactsofharassmentincludingbutnotlimitedto:
Producingtweetsunderthealias“@WhatWouldMarieDo”
PostingpubliccontentaimedatdamagingtheimageofSTCanditsproducts
AttemptingtoextortfinancialorotherbenefitsfromSTCinexchangeforunsolicitedPR(orother)services
Sincerely,
J.F.Timberworth,Attorney-at-Law,onbehalfofSTC22
ANTERIORCINGULATECORTEX:OH,SHIT
I’MNOTSUREhowIspendthenightafterreadingtheletter.It’sallablur.Thehoursgoby,andIcry.Ibreathe.Itrytofigureoutwhatthismessis.Ifeelangry,shocked,beaten,lonely,sad.
Levicallsme,twice,butIrememberRocío’slonetearglisteningdownhercheekandfeeltoodirtyandtaintedtomakemyselfpickup.WhatwouldLevisayifheknew?Wouldhebelieveme?Howcouldhe,ifSTChasmyrealname?I’mnotsureI’dbelievemyselfanymore.
Thefollowingdayittakesallofmycompartmentalizingskillstofocusonwork—andthey’renotverymany.Pushingthingsoutofmymindisnotoneofmytalents,butIgiveamoderatelygoodperformance.Levicallsagaininthemorning,andagainIdon’tanswer,butItexthimthatI’vebeenswampedwithBLINK(terribleexcuse,sinceweworktogether)andthatI’mbusypickingupTrevorattheairport(notanexcuse,butequallyterrible).
“Kramercouldn’tcome—somethingaboutaWHOsymposium—buthe’sveryhappy,”TrevorsaysinsteadofHiorHowareyou?orotherthingsnormal,decentpeoplestartaconversationwith.“AndyouknowwhathappenswhenKramer’shappy?”
Hegivesmealabfarawayfromyou.Atleastdownthehallway,possiblyonadifferentfloor,ideallyinanotherbuilding.IfIevenhaveafutureinacademia.IfIdon’tgetoutedasagrosslyhypocriticalracketeer.“Nope.”
“Hefunnelsfundstoourlab,that’swhat.Whenwillthesuitsbeready?”
Irollmyeyes,drivingoutofArrivals.“They’rehelmets.Andtheoreticallytheprototypeisready.Someadjustmentswillhavetobemadeforeachindividualastronaut.”
“Right,youmentionedasmuchinoneofthereports.”Italkaboutthisinallthereports,butreadingcomprehensionwasneverTrevor’sforte.“TheWardguy,theonewho’sleadingonNASA’sside?Mustbeadamngeniusforgettingthisdonesoquickly.”
Iexhaleslowly.I’mhavingashittyenoughdaythatIprobablyshouldn’tcomplicateitbytellingmybossthathe’saurinalcake.Thenagain,becauseI’mhavingsuchashittyday,Imightnotbeabletohelpmyselffromtellinghimthathe’saurinalcake.Whataquandary.“Dr.WardandIareco-leads,”Isay,mytoneharsherthanit’severbeenwithTrevor.Hemustrealize,becausehegivesmeanirritatedglance.
“Yeah,but—”
“But?”
Helooksoutthewindow,chastised.“Nothing.”
Betterbe.
TrevortheUrinalCakeisthesmallestofthebigshotsinattendance.TherearetwoTexascongressmen,atleastthreeofBoris’sbosses,andlotsofSpaceCenteremployeeswhoaren’tdirectlyinvolvedinBLINK.I’mintroducedtoeveryone,butdon’tretainanyone’sname.There’salotofImpressive,andCan’twaittoseethehelmetsinaction,andThisishistoryinthemakingbeingthrownaround,whichmakesmenervousandapprehensive,butItellmyselfthatit’llbefine.Rightnow,myjobistheonethingIhaveundercontrol—thankDr.Curieforthat.
ThegoalofthedemonstrationistoshowthatthehelmetimprovesGuy’sattentionduringaflightsimulation.GuestswillobserveonalargescreenfromtheconferenceroomnextdoorwhileLevi,thecoreengineeringteam,andIwillbeinthecontrolroomtomakesureeverythingproceedssmoothly.ItoywiththeideaoftakingfiveminutesalonewithGuytocomecleanaboutthemarriagething,butthethrongandchaosmakeitimpossible.
I’mdouble-checkingmyprotocolswhenLevicomesin,makingabeelinetome.“Hey.”Hiseyesareserious.Darkgreen.Beautiful,liketheunderbrushofaforest.Hedragsachairnexttomine,thedistancebetweenusblurringthelinebetweencolleaguesandsomethingmore.Ishouldpullback,butnoone’slookingatus,andthesightofhimoverwhelmsmeanyway:it’slikeallthosemysteriouspangselevatedtothetenth.Irealizethatlastnightwasthefirstwespentapartsince…sincewhateverusishappened,andthatbeingwithhimagainfeelslike…
No.Itdoesnotfeellikehome.Homeissomethingelse.Homeisthenewlabthisgigisgoingtogetme.HomeisthepublicationsI’llwriteabouttoday.HomeisthecommunityofwomeninSTEMImadeformyselfthatI’llsomehowhavetofightfor.That’shome,notLevi.
“Hey,”Isay,avertingmyeyes.
“Youokay?”
“Nervous.You?”
“Fine.”Hedoesn’tseemfine.Imustbecommunicatingitbecauseheadds,“There’samess.Notworkrelated—I’llexplainlater.”
Inod,andforawild,recklesssecond,Ihavetheweirdimpulseoftellinghimaboutmymess.Ishould,shouldn’tI?Mynamewillgetoutsoonerorlater.IfItellhimnow,he’ll…
BelievethatMarie—andthereforeme—isacrook.LikeeveryoneelseexceptforShmac.No,Ican’ttellhim.Hewouldn’tcareanyway.
“Ihavesomethingforyou,”hesays,thecornerofhislipcurvinginasmallsmile.Thebackofhishandbrushesmine,andmyheartsqueezes.Itlikelyseemsaccidentalfromtheoutside.Itfeelsanythingbut.
“Yeah?”
“I’llshowittoyoulater.Ithastodowithyourimaginarycat.”
Ismileweakly.“Ican’twaitforFélicettetopukeonyourkeyboard.”
Heshrugs.“Imaginaryvomit’smyfavoritekind.”Hepresseshiskneeagainstmineandstands,stoppingmidwaytowhisperagainsttheshellofmyear,“Imissedyoulastnight.”
Ishiver.He’sgonebeforeIcananswer.
???
“—LONELINESSISKILLINGme,andImustconfess,Istillbelieve.”
Onceagain,everyoneinthecontrolroomlaughsatGuy’sbellowing.Thesituationintheconferenceroomisprobablythesame.
“Thatwaslovely.Thankyou,Britney,”Levimurmursthroughthemic,amused.Weexchangeabrieflook.Myheart’saflutter.IfeellikeI’mabouttogoonstageforaschoolplayI’vebeenpracticingthewholeyear.ButI’manadult,andwhat’satstakeismyprofessionalhopesanddreams.Which,Iremindmyself,aretheonlysortofhopesanddreamsIallow.“Readytostart?”
“Iwasbornready,baby.”Guyliftsoneeyebrowunderthevisorofthehelmet.“Well.Afteralaborthatmymotheroftenreferstoasthemostharrowingforty-threehoursofherlife.”
“Poorlady.”Levishakeshishead,smiling.“Youknowthedrill,butthisiswhat’sgoingtohappen.We’regoingtostartanattentiontaskonthescreen.”
“I’mbeingpaidtoplayvideogames.Excellent.”
“Thenwe’llactivatethehelmetwhenwe’rereadyandmeasureyourperformanceunderbothconditions,forreactiontimeandaccuracy.”
“Gotit.”
“Startinginafewseconds,then.”Leviturnsoffthemic.HeandIexchangeanotherglance,thistimelingering.
Thisisit.
Wedidit.
YouandI.
Together.
ThenLeviturnsaroundandnodsatLamartostarttheroutine.Thereisn’tmuchIhavetodosincetheprotocolshavebeenprogrammedandareloadedtogo.Ileanback,eyesonthemonitor,fixedonGuy’ssittingform.
I’llneedtobuyhimapresent,Ithink.Abottleofsomethingexpensive.Britneyconcerttickets.ForbeingsopatientwhenIkeptshootingthetaburstsathisbrain.Forbeingsonice.Forlyingtohim.Thenthetaskloads,andI’mtoobusyobservingtothinkmuchofanything.
Itstartslikeusual.Guy’sjobistodetectstimuliastheyappearonthescreen.He’sanastronaut,andatbaselineheperformsabouttenmilliontimesbetterthanI,aregulareverydaywimp,evercould.AfewminuteslaterLevigivesanothersignal,andthebrainstimulationprotocolIwroteisactivated.
Tensecondspass.Twenty.Thirty.Ieyetheestimatesfortheperformancemetrics—nothinghappens.Accuracyandreactiontimesarehoveringaroundthesamevaluesasbefore.
Shit.What’sgoingon?Isquirmnervouslyinmyseat.Thelagbetweentheinceptionofthestimulationandtheimprovementinperformanceisusuallyoverbynow.IglanceatLeviwithaworriedexpression,buthe’scalm,sittingbackinhischairwithhisarmsfoldedonhischest,alternatinglooksbetweenGuyandthevalues.Theonlysignofimpatienceishisfingers,drummingonhisbicep.Hedoesthatwhenhe’sfocused.Levi.MyLevi.
I’mstimulatingGuy’sdorsalpremotorcortex—whythehellishenotimproving—?
Suddenly,thenumbersstarttochange.Accuracyskyrocketsfrom83percentto94.Medianreactiontimesdecreasebytensofmilliseconds.Thenewvaluesoscillate,andthenkeepsteady.Isweartheentireroomsighsinreliefinunison.
“Sweet,”someonemurmurs.
“Sweet?”Lamarasks.“That’sepic.”
IturntogrinatLeviandfindhimalreadystaringatmewithahappy,undecipherableexpression.This,atleast,isgoinggreat.Therestofmylife’sashitshow,butthisisworking.Wemadesomethinggood,anduseful,andjustplainbadass.
Itoldyou,didn’tI?What’sreliable,andtrustworthy,andnever,everabandonedDr.Curie?Science.Scienceiswhereit’sat.
Untilit’snot.
I’mthefirsttorealizesomething’swrong.Mostoftheengineersaretalkingamongoneanother,andLevi’seyesarestillclingingtomewiththatcurious,earnestexpression.Butboththevaluesandthemonitorsareinmylineofsight,soInoticethenumberschangingtovalueswe’veneverbeforeseen.AndthetwitchywayGuy’selbowisjerking.
“What’s—”Ipointatit.Leviimmediatelyturns.“Isheokay?”
“Thearm?”Levi’sbrowsknit.“I’veneverseenanythinglikethat.”
“It’ssimilartowhatwouldhappenifwestimulatedhismotorcortex,butwedefinitelyaren’t—Whoa.”Thetwitchesgetsignificantlylarger.Guy’sentirebodystartsshaking.
Leviturnsonthemic.“Guy.Everythingokayinthere?”
Noanswer.
“Guy?Canyouhearme?”
Silence.AndLevi’sdeepeningfrown.
“Guy,doyou—”
Guyfallsoutofhischairwithaloudthud,hisbodyatoncerigidandslack.Thecontrolroomburstsintochaos—everyonestands,halfadozenchairsscrapingagainstthefloor.
“Stoptheprotocol!”Leviyells,andasecondlaterhe’soutoftheroomandintothelab.IseehimappearonthemonitorandkneelnexttoGuy’sspasmingbody,takinghimintohisarms.Heturnshimtothesideandclearsthefloorofnearbyobjects.
Aseizure.Guy’shavingaseizure.
Otherpeoplebargeintotheroom—NASAphysicians,engineers—andaskLeviquestionsaboutthestimulationprotocol.Heanswersasbestashecan,stillholdingGuyinhisarmsasthedoctorsworkaroundthem.
It’sbecauseofPenny.LeviknowswhattodobecauseofPenny.
There’smayhemeverywhere.Peoplerunninginthehallways,inandoutofthecontrolroom,screaming,swearing,askingquestionswithoutreplies.Somearedirectedatme,butIcannotanswer,cannotdoanythingbutstareatGuy’sface,atthewayLeviiscradlinghim.Icollapsebackinmychair.Afteraminuteoranhour,myeyesdriftaway.
Thehelmetisonthefloor,rolledtothefarthestcorneroftheroom.
???
“—ISKOWALSKY?”
“Hewasdriventothehospital.”
“—goingtobeokay?”
“Yeah,heregainedconsciousness.It’sjustacheckup,but—”
“—theygavehimafuckingseizure,whatis—”
“Whatadisaster—”
“—theendofBLINK,forsure.God,theincompetence.”
I’mafortress.I’mimpenetrable.I’mnotevenhere.Idon’tlookatanyone.ItrymybestnottolistenasIwalktoBoris’sofficeafterhehissedatmetobetherestat.Itwasfourandahalfminutesago.Ishouldhurry.
IknockwhenIarrive,butenterbeforebeinginvitedtocomein.Levi’salreadyinside,staringattheprettygreenoftheSpaceCenteroutsidethesquarewindow.Iignorehim.EvenwhenIfeelhiseyesonme,theprickleofaglanceaskingforaresponse,Iignorehim.
Iwonderwhathe’sthinking.ThenIdon’twonderanymore:itprobablycannotbeborneanyway.
“Wherewastheerror?”Borisasksfrombehindthedesk.Healwayslookstiredanddisheveled,butifhetoldmehewasjustrunoverbyatruck,I’dbelievehim.Ican’tbegintocomprehendtherepercussionsoftoday’sevents.Forhim.ForNASA.ForLevi.
“Yetunclear,”Levisays,holdinghiseyes.“We’relookingintoit.”
“Wasthereahardwaremalfunction?”
“We’reascertainingwhether—”
“Bullshit.”
Abriefsilence.“Assoonasweknow,you’llknow.”
“Levi,youseemeasapaperpusher—you’reprobablyright,Ihavebecomeone.ButletmeremindyouthatIdohaveadegreeinengineering,plusacoupleofdecadesofexperienceonyou,andwhileI’mbynomeansthecreativegeniusyouare,I’mwellawarethatitwon’ttakeyouthreeweeksofsystemanalysestofigureoutwhethertherewasamalfunctiononthehardwaresideor—”
“Therewasn’t,”Iinterrupt.Theybothturntome,butIonlylookatBoris.“Atleast,Idoubtit.Ihaven’trunanyanalytics,butI’msuretheerrorwasinthestimulationprotocol.”Iswallow.“Onmyside.”
Henods,tight-lipped.“Whathappened?”
“Idon’tknow.Myguessisthatthestimulationwastoointenseortoohigh-frequency,andeitherdisplacedortoodiffuse.Thiscausedwidespreadneuronalmisfiring—”
“Okay.”Henodsagain.“Howdidithappen?”
“ThatIdon’tknow.WespentweeksmappingGuy’sbrain,andnothinglikethateverhappened.Theprotocolwastailoredtohim.”Ibendmyhead,staringdownatmyhands.I’mwringingmynonna’sring.Asusual.“Itwon’thappenagain.I’msorry.”
“No,itwon’t.”Herunsahanddownhisface.“BLINK’sover.”
There’sasharpintakeofbreath—Levi’s.Ilookup.“What?”
“ThisisnotamistakeIcantolerate.Youtooksomeonewhowentthroughyearsofastronauttrainingandhadhiminapuddleonthefloor.Guy’sfine,butwhatifthenextastronautisn’t?”
Ishakemyhead.“Therewon’tbeanextastronaut—”
“Thereshouldhavebeennoastronauts.EspeciallynotinfrontofhalfofNASA!”
“Boris.”Leviisstandingbehindme.Probablyalittletooclose.“Wetestedthisprotocolovertentimes.Nothingsimilareverhappened.Yourushedthedemonstrationwhenwecouldhavewaitedweeks—”
“AndyouvouchedforBeewhenNIHsentherhere,andshegaveaseizuretooneofmyastronauts!”Borisclencheshisjaw,tryingtocalmdown.“Levi,Idon’tblameyou—”
Aloudknock.Thedooropens,andthingsgetevenworse.
No.NotTrevor,please.NotwhenI’matmylowest.
Andyet,Borisgesturesforhimtocomein.“Wewerejustdiscussing…”
“Iheard.”Heshrugsdarkly.“Youweren’texactlyquiet.So,”hesays,clappinghishands,“Ismoothedthingsoverwiththecongressmen.ToldthemBLINK’sstillsalvageable.”
“Wait.”Borisfrowns.Imightthrowup.“Iunderstandtherearemanyinterestsatplayhere,butnotsofast.Clearlysomethingwentverywrong,and—”
“Someone,”Trevorinterrupts.Thelookhegivesmeisfullofcontempt.“Iheardwhatyouweresaying.Clearlytheproblemswerewithonespecificperson,andtheycanbesolvedbyeliminatingtheweaklinkandputtinganotherNIHresearcherontheproject.JoshMartinandHankMalikappliedfortheposition,too.”
“Areyouanidiot?”LevitakesasteptowardTrevor,loomingoverhim.“YouhavenoknowledgeofyourownscientistsifyouthinkDr.K?nigswasserisaweaklink—”
“Excuseme,”Isay.Myvoiceisshaking.Ican’tcry,notnow.“Idon’tthinkI’mneededforthisconversation.I’llcheckonGuyand…”Clearoutmythings.
Yeah.
IgetoutasfastasIcan.I’mnottenstepsfromthedoorwhenIhearfeetrunningbehind,thenaroundme.Levistopsinfrontofme,anear-desperateexpressioninhiseyes.“Bee,wecanstillfixthis.Comebackinthereand—”
“I—Ineedtogo.”Itrytokeepmytonefirm.“ButyouneedtostayinthereandmakesurethatBLINKactuallyhappens.”
Hegivesmeadisbelievinglook.“Notwithoutyou.Bee,wehavenoideawhatreallywentwrong.BorisisoverreactingandTrevor’safuckingidiot.I’mnotgoingto—”
“Levi.”Iletmyselfreachforhiswrist.Closemyhandarounditandsqueeze.“I’maskingyoutogobackinthereanddowhatyouhavetodotomakesureBLINKhappens.Please.DoitforPeter.ForPenny.Andforme.”It’salowblow.Icanseeitinhisnarrowingeyes,inthesetofhisjaw.ButwhenIstartwalkingagain,hedoesn’tfollow.
Andrightnow,that’sallIwant.23
AMYGDALA,AGAIN:FEAR
REIKEWON’TANSWERmycalls,becauseshe’sfinallytravelingtoNorway.Itmightbeforthebest:I’djustcryatheraboutneuronaldepolarizationandelectromagneticinduction,whichcan’tbehealthyforme,oredifyingforher.IwanttovisitGuyinthehospitalto…bringhimanEdibleArrangement?Offermyfirstborninpenance?Self-flagellateatthefootofhisbed?I’mnotevensurewheretheybroughthim,ifhe’sstillthere,andIdoubthewantstoseeme.MaybeIshouldtexthim.Doyouhatemeforgivingyouaseizurethroughmycarelessnessandsheerincompetence?Yes,No,Maybe,plscircle.
It’sprobablyagoodthingthatI’malonewithmythoughts.Paradoxically,itallowsmenottothinktoomuch.Things,badthings,aregoingtohappensoon.MyconnectionwithWWMDwillbedisclosed,acommunityIspentyearsbuildingwillturnagainstme,andIhavenoillusionthatTrevorwillrenewmycontract.It’sstaggering,butifIdon’ttalkaboutitIcanpretendit’snothappening.
Ieatabanana—firstthingI’vehadintwenty-fourhours—andgotomyroom.Ipullmysuitcasefromundermybed,dustitoff,andstartfoldingmyclothes.Jeans.Jeans.AskirtIhaven’tgottenachancetowearyet.Myfavoritetealtop.Arainponcho.Jeans.
Thesuitcaseisalmostfullwhenmydoorbellrings.Isighandforcemyselftogotothedoor,butIsuspectIalreadyknowwhoitis.Turnsout,I’mright
“Hey.”Levilookstired.Andlikehe’sbeenrunningahandthroughhishair.Andvery,verybeautiful.Myheartknots.“You’renotansweringyourphone.Iwasworried.”
“Sorry,Iforgottocheckit.Iseverythingokay?”
HegivesmeaslightlyincredulouslookthatItaketomeanNo,absolutelynothingisokayandfollowsmeintothelivingroom.Throughthebalconydoors,myeyescatchthehummingbirdfeeder.Ishouldtakeitdown.Packit.Butthehummingbirds…MaybeIcouldaskRocíotohangitforme.Wouldn’twantthelittleguywho’sbeencomingaroundtofindhimselfwithoutdinner.
“—fromGuy,”Levi’ssaying.
Iwhirlaround.“Howishe?”
“Fine—discharged.Heaskedmetotellyounottofreakout,andthatheprobablydeservedit.Andtothankyouforthetripofalifetime.”Levirollshiseyes,butIcanseethereliefinhim
“CanI—DidhesayifIcangoseehim?”
“He’sresting,butwecangotomorrow.He’dlovetoseeyou.”Histonehardenseversoslightly.“Bee,heknowsit’snotyourfault.Amillionthingscouldhavegonewrong,andnoneareexclusivelyyourresponsibility.Borisrushedthedemonstration—”
“BecauseIlethimrushit.”Ipressmyfingersintomyeyes.“ItoldhimIcouldmakeit.Andthismesswouldhavehappenedanyway,justnotpublicly.Imusthavedonesomethingwrong.Imusthaveforgottentoaccountforsomething—Idon’tknow.Idon’tknow.I’vebeenthinkingaboutitandIcannotfigureoutwhatthefuckIdidwrong,whichmeansthatsomeoneelse,someonewhohasacluewhatthey’redoing,shouldbeonthisprojectwithyou.”
Heblinks.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“WhatIjustsaid,Iguess.”Ishrug.“IhopetheysendHank.Joshisaprick.AndyouhavetohelpmeensurethatRocíostayson—shedeservesthis.Andcouldyouwriteherarecletterforgradschool?Idon’tknowifminewill—”
“No.”Hestepsforwardandreachesout.Hishandcomesuptothebackofmyhead,spanningfrommynapetothecurveofmythroat.Itfeelsso…normal.Familiar.Heissofamiliar.“Bee,noone’sgoingtoreplaceyou.BLINKisasmuchyoursasit’smine.Ifitweren’tforyou,we’dstillbestuck.”
“Youdon’tunderstand.”Itakeastepback.HistouchlingersuntilI’moutofreach—untilhehastoletgo.“I’mout.LikeTrevorsaid.”
“Trevorwillchangehisfuckingmind.”
“Hewon’t.Heshouldn’t.Levi,todayIendangeredsomeone’ssafety.Ijeopardizedtheexistenceofaprojectthat’syourbestfriend’slegacy.”Ipressmyfingerstomylips.They’retrembling.Allofmeistrembling.“Howcanyouevenwantmetostay?”
“BecauseItrustyou.BecauseIknowyou.Iknowthepersonyouare,thescientistyouare,and—”Hiseyesfallonmybedroom.Onmyalmost-but-not-quite-packedsuitcase,openonthefloor.Hestiffens,pointingatit.“What’sthat?”
Iswallow.“Itoldyou.Ican’tinallconsciencestayonBLINKanymore.”
Hestaresatme,open-mouthed,disbelieving.“Soyou’repackingupandleaving?”Thequestionisaggressive,inawaythatmakesmethinkthattherearerightandwronganswers.Istruggletoimagineanybesidestheone
“WhatelseshouldIdo?”Ishrughelplessly.“What’sthepointofmebeinghere?”
Inthepasttwomonths,I’veseenalotofLeviWard.I’veseenhimhappy,focused,upset,sad,exultant,angry,horny,honest,disappointed,andvariouscombinationsofallthesethings.Thewayhe’slookingatmerightnow,though…that’ssomethingelse.Beyondallofit.
Levicomescloserandopenshismouth,meaningtosaysomething,thenimmediatelyturnsaroundandpacesaway,shakinghisheadfuriously.Hetakesadeepbreath,andanother,butwhenhelooksatmeagainhe’shardlycalmer.
“Areyouserious?”Icy.Hisvoice,hiseyes,thelineofhisjaw.Pureice.
“I…Levi.MypresenceherewasalwayscontingentuponmyroleinBLINK.”
“Was.Butthingshavechanged.”
“Whathaschanged?”
“Idon’tknow.Maybethefactthatwe’vebeentogethereverysecondofthepasttwoweeks,thatwe’vemadeloveeverysinglenight,thatIknowthatyousighinyoursleep,thatyouflosslikeamaniac,thatyoutastelikehoneyeverywhere.”
Ifeelmycheeksheat.“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”
“Areyouserious?”herepeats.“Allofthat—thatwasjust…passingtimewhileyouwereinHouston?Fucking?Isthatwhatitwas?”
“No.No.Butthere’sadifferencebetweenjustpassingtimeand…”
“Andstaying.Andcommitting.Andactuallytrying.Isthatwhatyoumean?”
“I…”Iwhat?Amspeechless?Confused?Scared?Idon’tknowwhattosay,orwhathewants.We’refriends.Goodfriends.Whohavesex.Whowerealwaysgoingtogotheirseparateways—likeeveryonedoes.“Levi,thiswasnevermeantto…I’mjusttryingtobehonest.”
“Honest.”Heletsoutanoiseless,bitterlaugh;staresatthehummingbirdfeeder,histongueroamingtheinsideofhischeek.“Honesty.Youwantsomehonesty?”
“Yes.Ijustwanttobeashonestaspossible—”
“Here’sthehonesty:I’minlovewithyou.Butthat’snotnews.Nottome,andnottoyou,Idon’tthink.Notifyou’rehonestwithyourself—whichyousayyouare,right?”Myeyeswiden.Hepowerson,ruthless,merciless.LeviWard:forceofnature.Suckingtheairoutofmylungs.“Here’ssomethingelsethat’shonest:you’reinlovewithme,too.”
“Levi.”Ishakemyhead,paniclickingupmyspine.“I—”
“Butyou’rescared.You’rescaredshitless,andIdon’tblameyou.TimwasapieceofshitandIwanttocutoffhisballs.Yourbestfriendactedsupremelyselfishlywhenyouneededherthemost.Yourparentsdiedwhenyouwereachild,andthenyourextendedfamily—Idon’tknow,maybetheytriedtheirbest,buttheycompletelyfuckedupatgivingyouthesenseofstabilityyouneeded.Yoursister,whomyouclearlyadore,isconstantlygone,anddon’tthinkIdon’tseethewayyouobsessivelycheckyourphonewhenshedoesn’treplytoyourtextsforlongerthantenminutes.AndIgetit.Whywouldn’tyoubeafraidthatshe’llbetakenawayfromyou?Everyoneelsewas.Everysinglepersonyou’vecaredabouthasdisappearedfromyourlife,onewayoranother.”Idon’tknowhowhemanagestolooksoangry,socalm,socompassionateatthesametime.“Iunderstand.Icanbepatient.I’vetried,willtrytobepatient.ButIneed…something.Ineedyoutounderstandthatthisisnotabookyou’rewriting.We’renot—nottwocharactersyoucankeepapartbecauseitmakesforaliteraryending.Theseareourlives,Bee.”
There’satearslidingdownmyneck.Another,awetsplotchagainstmycollarbone.Iscrewmyeyesshut.“Whenwewenttotheconference?AndIsawTim?”Henods.“Itwasupsetting.Very.ButafterawhileIrealizedthatIdidn’treallyfeelanythingforhim,notanymore,anditwas…nice.That’swhatIwant,youknow?Iwantnice.”I’vehadsolittleofit.Iwasalways,alwaysbeingleftbehind.Andtheonlywaytonotbeleftbehindistoleavefirst.Iwipemycheekwiththebackofmyhand,sniffling.“Ifnicemeansbeingalone,then…sobeit.”
“Icangiveyounice.Icangiveyoubetterthannice.Icangiveyoueverything.”Hesmilesatme,fullofhope.“Youdon’tevenhavetoadmittoyourselfthatyouloveme,Bee.GodknowsIloveyouenoughforthebothofus.ButIneedyoutostay.Ineedyoutostickaround.NotinHouston,ifyoudon’twantto.I’llfollowyou,ifyouaskmeto.But—”
“Andwhenyougettiredofme?”I’mawet,tremblingmess.“Whenyoucan’tbearoundanymore?Whenyoumeetsomeoneelse?”
“Iwon’t,”hesays,andIhatehowsure,howresignedhesounds.
“Youdon’tknowthat.Youcan’tknowthat.You—”
“Therehasn’tbeenanyoneelse.”Hisjawtensesandworks.“SincethefirstmomentIsawyou.SincethefirstmomentItalkedtoyouandmadeanassofmyself,therehasn’tbeenanyoneelse.”
Doeshe—Hedoesn’tmeanit.Hecan’tmeanthat
“Yes,”hesaysardently,readingmymind.“Inallthewaysyou’reimagining.Ifyou’regoingtodecide,youshouldhavethefacts.Iknowyou’rescared—doyouthinkI’mnotscared?”
“NotthewayIam—”
“Ispentyears—years—hopingtofindanotherwhocouldmeasureup.Hopingtofeelsomething—anything—forsomeoneelse.Andnowyou’rehere,and—Ihavehadyou,Bee.Iknowhowitcanbe.YouthinkIdon’tknowwhatitfeelslike,towantsomethingsomuchyou’reafraidtoletyourselftakeit?Evenwhenit’sinfrontofyou?DoyouthinkI’mnotfuckingscared?”Heexhales,runningahandthroughhishair.“Bee.Youwanttobelong.Youwantsomeonewhowon’tletgo.I’mit.Ididn’tletgoofyouforyears,andIdidn’tevenhaveyou.Butyouneedtoletme.”
It’sdifficult,lookingathim.Becausemyeyesareblurry.Becauseheleavesmenothingtohidebehind.Becauseitremindsmeofthepastfewweekstogether.Elbowsbrushinginthekitchen.Catpuns.Fightsoverwhatmusictoputoninthecar—andthentalkingoveritanyway.KissesontheforeheadwhenI’mstillasleep.Littlebitesonmybreasts,myhips,myneck,alloverme.Thesmellofhummingbirdmint,rightbeforesunset.Laughingbecausewemadeasix-year-oldlaugh.HiswrongopinionsonStarWars.Thewayheholdsmethroughthenight.ThewayheholdsmewhenIneedhim.
Ithinkofthepastfewweekswithhim.Ofalifetimewithouthim.Ofwhatitwoulddotome,tohaveevenmoreandthenloseallofit.IthinkofeverythingI’vemademyselfgiveup.OfthecatsIwon’tallowmyselftoadopt.Ofthegut-wrenchingworkthatgoesintomendingabrokenheart.
Levicupsmyface,foreheadtouchingmine.Hishands—theyaremyhome.“Bee.Don’ttakethisfromus,”hemurmurs.Ragged.Careful.Hopeful.“Please.”
I’veneverwantedanythingmorethantosayyes.I’veneverwishedtoreachforsomethingasIdonow.AndI’veneverbeensoutterly,petrifyinglyscaredtolosesomething.
ImakemyselflookatLevi.Myvoiceshakes,andIsay,“I’msorry.Ijust…Ican’t.”
Hecloseshiseyes,stavingoffaviolentwaveofsomething.Butafterawhilehenods.Hejustnods,withoutsayinganything.Asimple,quickmovement.Thenheletsgoofme,putshishandinhispocket,takessomethingout,andsetsitonthetable.Theloudclickechoesthroughtheroom.“Thisisforyou.”
Myheartgivesahardthud.“Whatisit?”
Hegivesmeasmall,painedsmile.Mystomachtwistsharder.“Justsomethingelsetobescaredabout.”
Istareatthedoorlongafterheisgone.LongafterIcan’thearhisstepsanymore.Longafterthenoiseofhistruck’senginepullsoutoftheparkinglot.LongafterI’veexhaustedmytears,andlongaftermycheeksdry.Istareatthedoor,thinkingthatinjusttwodaysI’velosteverythingIcareabout,alloveragain.
Maybebadthingsdocomeinthreesafterall.24
RIGHTTEMPORALLOBE:AHA!
MIGHTBEAbitlateinthegametopullmymad-scientistoriginstoryoutofitsholster,butI’msittinginthedark,staringataless-than-flatteringreflectionofmysplotchyfaceinthebalconydoors,thepurpleofmyhairnearlybrown—atrickofthelight.Someonejustransackedmypocketsandstolemymostimportantbelongings,andthatsomeoneisme.?odowska-Curie,circa1911,andIguessit’sself-disclosureo’clock.
Originally,Iwantedtobeapoet.Likemymom.I’dwritelittlesonnetsaboutallsortsofstuff:therain,prettybirds,themessReikemadeinthekitchenwhenshetriedtobakeacherrypie,kittensplayingwithyarn—theworks.Thenweturnedten,andwemovedforthefourthtimeinfiveyears,thistimetoamid-sizedFrenchtownattheborderwithGermany,wheremyfather’seldestbrotherhadaconstructionbusiness.Hewaskind.Hiswifewaskind,ifstrict.Hiskids,intheirlateteens,werekind.Thetownwaskind.Mysister’sbestfriend,Ines,waskind.Therewaslotsofkindnessgoingaround.
Acoupleofweeksaftermoving,Iwrotemyfirstpoemaboutloneliness.
Frankly,itwasembarrassinglybad.Ten-year-oldBeewasanemoprincessofdarkness.I’dquotethemostdramaticverseshere,butthenI’dhavetokillmyselfandeveryonewhoreadthem.Still,atthetimeIfanciedmyselfthenextEmilyDickinson,andIshowedthepoemtooneofmyteachers(full-bodycringeintensifies).Shezeroedinonthefirstline,whichwouldroughlytranslatefromFrenchto“Sometimes,whenI’malone,Ifeelmybrainshrink,”andtoldme,“That’swhatreallyhappens.Didyouknowthat?”Ihadn’t.Butintheearly2000stheinternetwasalreadyathing,andbytheendoftheday,whenReikecamehomefromanafternoonatInes’splace,IknewalotaboutTheLonelyBrain.
Itdoesn’tshrink,butitwithersalittle.Lonelinessisnotabstractandintangible—metaphorsaboutdesertislandsandmismatchedshoes,EdwardHopper’scharactersstaringatwindows,FionaApple’sentirediscography.Lonelinessishere.Itmoldsoursouls,butalsoourbodies.Rightinferiortemporalgyri,posteriorcingulates,temporoparietaljunctions,retrosplenialcortices,dorsalraphe.Lonelypeople’sbrainsareshapeddifferently.AndIjustwantmineto…notbe.Iwantahealthy,plump,symmetricalcerebrum.Iwantittoworkdiligently,impeccably,liketheextraordinarymachineit’ssupposedtobe.Iwantittodoasit’stold.
Spoileralert:mystupidbraindoesn’t.Itneverdid.NotwhenIwasten.NotwhenIwastwenty.Noteightyearslater,eventhoughI’vetriedmybesttotrainitnottoexpectanythingofme.Ifalone’sthebaseline,itshouldn’twither.Ifacatnevergetsanytreats,hewon’tmissthem.Right?Idon’tknow.Lookingatmyreflectioninthewindow,I’mnotsosureanymore.Mybrainmightbedumberthanacat’s.ItmightbeoneofReike’sblobfish,swimmingaimlesslyinthebowlofmyskull.Ihavenoidea.
It’sJune.Almostsummer.Sunsetdoesn’tcomeearlyanymore—ifit’sdarkoutside,Levimusthavelefthoursago.Istandgingerlyfromthecouch,feelingheavyandweightless.Anoldwomanandanewborncalf.Wretchedlittleme,stillcontainingmultitudes.ButasmuchasI’dratherwallowinself-pity,thissituationisagraveofmyowndigging.TherearethingsIneedtodo.PeopleIneedtotakecareof.
First,Rocío.She’snotinherapartmentanddoesn’tpickupwhenIcall—becauseshe’swithKayleetryingtoforgettoday’sfustercluck,becauseshehatesme,becauseshe’saGenZ.Couldbeallthree,butwhatIhavetotellherisimportant,andI’vealreadyhurtherchancestogetintothePh.D.programofherdreamsenough,soIemailher
WhateverhappenswithBLINK,getintouchwithTrevorASAPandaskhimtoletyoustayontheprojectastheRA(I’ddoit,butit’sbestifitdoesn’tcomefromme).Leviwillsupportthis.Whathappenedtodayismyresponsibilityonlyandwon’treflectonyou.
Okay.Onedown.Iswallow,takeadeepbreath,andtapontheTwitterapp.Shmac’snext:heneedstoknowwhat’sgoingonwithSTC.ThatifhecontinuestoassociatewithMarie,thingscouldgosouthveryquickly.Istilldon’tknowwhatthehellhappened,butpubliclydisavowingmemightbebestforhim.
IDMhimtoaskifhehasaminute,buthedoesn’timmediatelyreply.Probablywiththegirl,Itellmyself.AftermydisastrousconversationwithLevi,theideaofsomeonebraveenoughtoseizethatkindoflove,intenseandevisceratingandguttingandjoyful,fillsmewithanenvysooverwhelmingIhavetopushbackagainstitwithmyentireself.
IclickonShmac’sprofile,wonderingwhen’sthelasttimehewasonline.Hehasn’ttweetedmuchinthepastweek—mostly#FairGraduateAdmissionsstuff,commentsonthepeer-reviewsystem,ajokeabouthowhe’dlovetobewriting,butwithhiscatsittingonhislaptophereallycan’t—
Wait.
What?
Iclickonthepictureattachedtothetweet.Ablackcatissnoozingontopofthekeyboard.It’sshort-hairedandgreen-eyedand…
NotSchr?dinger.Itcan’tbe.Allblackcatslookthesame,afterall.Andthispicture—Icanbarelymakeoutthecat’sface.There’snowaytotellwho—
Thebackground,though.Thebackground…Iknowthatbacksplash.Thedark-bluetilesarejustliketheonesinLevi’skitchen,theonesIstaredatforhalfanhourlastweekafterhebentmeoverthecounter,andevenwithoutthemIcanseetheedgeofacartonofsoymilkinthepicture,whichLevifinds“gross,Bee,justgross”butstartedbuyingwhenItoldhimitwasmyfavorite,and…
No.No,no,no.Impossible.Shmacis…afive-eightnerdwithabeerbellyandmale-patternbaldness.NotthemostperfectCuteSexyHandsomeGuy?intheworld.“No,”Isay.Asifit’llsomehowmakeeverythinggoaway—thelastfewdisastrousdays,Shmac’stweet,thepossibilityof…ofthis.Butthepictureisstillthere,withthetiles,thesoymilk,andthe—
“Shmac,”Iwhisper.Handsshaking,outofbreath,Iscrollbackupourmessagehistory.Thegirl.Thegirl.WestartedtalkingaboutthegirlwhenI—whendidwefirsttalkabouther?Icheckthedates,visionblurryonceagain.ThedayImovedtoHoustonwasthefirsttimehementionedhertome.Someonefromhispast.But,no—hetoldmeshewasmarried.Hesaidherhusbandhadliedtoher.AndI’mnot,so—
ButhethoughtIwas.HethoughtTimandIweretogether.Foralongtime.AndTimdidlietome.
“Levi.”Iswallow,hard.“Levi.”Thisisimpossible.Thingslikethese—theydon’thappeninreallife.Inmylife.Thesecoincidences,they’reforYou’veGotMailandninetiesrom-coms,notfor—Myeyesfallonthelongestmessagehesentme.
Iknowtheshapeofher.Igotosleepthinkingaboutit,andthenIwakeup,gotowork,andsheisthere,andit’simpossible.
OhmyGod.
Iwanttopushheragainstawall,andIwanthertopushback.
Ididthat,didn’tI?Hepushedmeagainstawall,andIpushedback.Andpushed.Andpushed.Andpushed.AndnowI’vepushedhimawayforgood,forever,eventhough…Oh,God.Hehasofferedmeeverything,everythingI’veeverwanted.AndIamsuchacowardly,idioticfool.
Iwipemycheek,andmyeyesfallontheobjectLevileftonthetable.It’saflashdrive,pretty,shapedlikeacat’spaw.Acalico’s.Mylaptopdoesn’thaveaUSBport,soIfranticallylookforanadapter—whichofcourseisatthebottomofthedamnsuitcase.There’sonesingledocumentonthedrive.F.mp4.IplopdownonthepileofunfoldedclothesIjusttossedaroundandimmediatelyclickonit.
IknewtherewerecameraseverywhereintheDiscoveryBuilding,butnotthatLevihadaccesstothem.AndIdon’tunderstandwhyhe’dgivemethirtyminutesofnightsurveillancefootage.Ifrown,wonderingifheuploadedthewrongfile,whensomethingsmallandfairslinksinthecornerofthemonitor.
Félicette.
ThedatesaysApril14,onlyafewdaysbeforeImovedtoHouston.FélicettelooksalittlesmallerthanthelasttimeIsawher.Shetrotsacrossthehallway,glancesaround,thendisappearsaroundthecorner.Mybodyleansintothescreentofollowher,butthemoviecutstoApril22.Félicettejumpsononeofthecouchesinthelobby.Shecirclesaround,findsagoodspot,andstartsnappingwithherheadonherpaws.Wetlaughterbubblesoutofme,andthevideochangesagain—theengineeringlabissemidark,butFélicetteissniffingtoolsI’veseenLeviuse.Lickingwaterfromthedriptrayofthebreakroom’swaterdispenser.Runningupanddownthestairs.Givingherselfabathbytheconferenceroomwindows.
Andthen,ofcourse,inmyoffice.Scratchingherclawsonmychair’sarmrests.EatingthetreatsIleftoutforher.DozingonthelittlebedIsetupinthecorner.I’mlaughingagain,I’mcryingagain,because—Iknewit.Iknewit.AndLeviknewit,too—thisisnotsomethingheputtogetherquicklylastnight.Thisishoursandhoursofcombingthroughfootage.HemusthaveknownFélicetteexistedforawhile,and—Iwanttostranglehim.Iwanttokisshim.Iwanteverything
Iguessthisisit—beinginlove.Trulyinlove.Lotsandlotsofhorrible,wondrous,violentemotions.Itdoesn’tsuitme.Maybeit’sforthebestthatIsentLeviaway.Icouldneverlivewiththis—it’drazemetothegroundinlessthanaweek,and—
Iwanttopushheragainstawall,andIwanthertopushback.
Oh,Levi.Levi.Icanbefearless.Icanbeasfearlessandhonestasyouare.Ifyouwillteachme.
Isitback,letthetearsflow,watchsomemore.Shereallydidlikemydesk,Félicette.MorethanRocío’s.Asthedatechanges,shenestlesaroundmycomputermoreoften.StepswhereIfoundherlittlepawprints.Delicatelysniffstherimofmycup.Chewsonmycomputer’spowercable.Scurriesawaywhenthedooropens,and—
Wait.
Istopthevideoandleanforward.It’sclearfromtheshiftofthelightsthatsomeoneiscominginside,butthevideoimmediatelycutstonewfootage.Whowouldopenthedoorofmyofficeat—2:37a.m.?Cleanersalwayscamebylateafternoons.RocíoiscommittedtoBLINK,butnottwo-thirty-a.m.committed.Hell,I’mnottwo-thirty-a.m.committed.
Iwipemytears,pressthespacebar,andletthevideorun,hopingforanexplanation.Itdoesn’tcome,butsomethingelsedoes.Asegmentdatedtwodaysago,againinmyoffice.JustahandfulofsecondsofFélicettesleepingatmydesk.Mymonitorison.
Idon’tleavemycomputerunlocked.Notever.
IstopthevideoandzoominasmuchasIcan,feelinglikeatinfoil-hattedconspiracytheorist.Thevideoisjusthigh-defenoughthatIcanmakeout.
“IsthatmyTwitter?”Iasknoone.
Impossible.I’dneverlogintoWWMDonaworkcomputer.Forobviousreasons,chiefamongthemthatRocíohasaperfectvisualofit.Butit’srightthere,unlessI’mhallucinating,and—itmightbekeychainaccess?Butstill..
“Félicette?”Iwhisper.“Doyouturnonmycomputerintheweehoursofthenight?DoyouloginwithmyNASApassword?DoyouuseTwittertocatfishunderagekittens?”Shedoesn’t.Shewouldnever.Butitsurelookslikesomeoneis,andthatdoesn’tmakeanysenseatall.Ormaybeitdoes.Maybeittotallydoes,giventheweirdactivityfrommyTwitteraccount.Shit
IpawatthetableformyphoneandtextLevi.MyfingersshakewhenIreadhislasttexts,butIforcemyselftopowerthrough.
BEE:HowdoIgetaccesstothecompletesecurityfootageoftheDiscoveryBuilding?
Aminutepasses.Three.Seven.Icallhim—noanswer.Ilookattheclock—fifteenminutespasteleven.Doeshehateme?NomorethanIhatemyself.Isthatwhyhe’snotanswering?Isheasleep?Maybehe’snotcheckinghisphone.
Shit.I’llemailhim.
HowdoIgetaccesstothecompletesecurityfootageoftheDiscoveryBuilding?PleaseletmeknowASAP.Somethingweird’sgoingon.
ThenIhaveanidea,anddon’tbotherwaitingforhisreply.Islipmyshoeson,grabmyNASAbadgewithasilentprayertoDr.Curiethatitstillworks,andrunouttotheSpaceCenter.
Somethingveryweird’sgoingon.I’m99.9percentsurethatIamright—and43percentsurethatIamwrong.
???
ISTUBMYtoeontheedgeoftheelevator,stumblingintothesecondfloor’shallwaywithaloud,“Ow!”
Verysuave,Bee.PerhapsIshouldn’thavewornsandals.PerhapsIshouldhavestayedathome.PerhapsI’mgoinginsane.
Whatever.I’llgotomyoffice,checkmycomputerforanythingweird,returnhomewithmytailbetweenmylegs.WhatelsedoIhavetodo?Myscientificcareerisover,mygoodnameissoontobebesmirched,andI’matoncetooemotionallyunavailabletobewiththemanIloveandtooinlovewithhimtodealwithmyownchoices.IcansparetwentyminutestosleuthbeforeIgobacktobrowsingtheTeenDramahiddencodeonNetflixandwishingveganChunkyMonkeyexisted.
My(former?)officelookslikeitalwaysdoes—homey,cluttered.NosignofFélicette.Isitatmydesk,login.Sureenough,ifInavigatetotheTwitterpage,mypasswordseemstobesaved.Myheartthuds.Mystomachlurches.Ilookaround,butthebuildingisdeserted.Okay.Okay,sosomeonecouldhaveconceivablyaccessedWWMDfromthiscomputer.
AndmessagedtheSTCguy?Yikes.
Butwho?Rocío?No.Notmylittlegoth.Levi?Nah.Hewasinbedwithmeeverynightinthepastweeks,andmostofthetimeweweren’tevensleeping.Whoelse,then?AndwhywouldtheycontactSTCposingasme?Tomakemelookbad.Butwhy?Thesekindsofmachinationsrequireadegreeofcommittedhatredthatsomeonelikemecouldneverinspire.I’mtooboring.
Idrummyfingers,wonderingifI’malunatic,whensomethingelseoccurstome.Somethingmuch,muchbigger:ifsomeoneloggedintomycomputer,theywouldn’tjusthaveaccesstomystupidsocialmedia,buttoBLINK’sserver,too.
“Holyshit.”
Inavigatetotheserverrepository.“Noway.”Iclickonthefolderwherethedocumentspertainingtotoday’sdemonstrationare.“Impossible.I’mcrazy.Noonewould—”HowthehelldidLeviaccessthelogs?God,Ihateengineers.Theyalwaystypesoquickly.“Wasit—here?Wherethehelldidheclick?Ah,yes—”IopenthelogforthefileusedforGuy’sbrainstimulation.TheoneIfinalizedthreedaysago.Theonethatshouldbelockedtoanyoneexceptforme.
Itwasmodifiedlastnight.At1:24a.m.Byme.
ExceptthatlastnightIwastossingandturninginbed.
Okay.Soitwasmodifiedbysomeoneonthiscomputer.“Whothefuck—”
“Areyouokay?”
Istartlesohard,Iyelpandthrowmymouseacrosstheroom.ItmissesGuybyafewinches.
“OhmyGod.”Ipressmyhandagainstmymouth.“I’msorry—youscaredmeandI—”Ilaughintomypalm,highonrelief,low-keythankfulIdidn’tshitmypants.Itwastouchandgoforasecond.“I’msosorry.Iwasn’ttryingtokillyouforthesecondtimeinoneday!”
Hesmiles,leaningagainstthedoorframe.“Thirdtime’sthecharm.”
“Oh,God.”Ipressahandagainstmyforehead.Myheart’scalmingdown,andIrememberthelasttimeIsawGuy.Hedidn’tlookgood.BecauseIgavehimaseizure.“Howareyou?”
Hegesturesathimselfwithaself-deprecatingsmile.“Backtomyhunkyself.Youdon’tlooktoogood,though.”
“I’mhavingan…interestingday.Guy,Iwanttoapologizeforwhathappenedtoday.Itakefullresponsibilityfor—”
“Youshouldn’t.”
“Ishould.”Iliftmyhand.“Iabsolutelyshould.Itlookslikesomethingweirdishappening—I’llshowyou.Butthatdoesn’tmatter.WithyoursafetyatstakeIshouldhavebeenmorecareful.Itakefullresponsibility,and—”
“Youshouldn’t,”herepeats,histoneatouchfirmer.Somethingaboutitrubsmewrong.Hiseyesareusuallyawarmgolden-brown,buttonightthere’sanoddcoldnessaboutthem.
IrealizethatIhavenoideawhyhe’shere.Wellpasteleven.Inmyoffice.Afteradayspentatthehospital,shouldn’theberesting?I’mprettysureheshouldberesting.
“Areyou…didyouforgetsomething?”Istandtoobstructhisviewofmymonitor,notquiteknowingwhy.“It’slate.”
“Yeah.”Heshrugs.I’macutelyconsciousthathe’sblockingtheonlyexit.I’malsoacutelyconsciousthatI’maravinglunatic.ThisisGuy.Myfriend.Levi’sfriend.Anastronaut.Ijustgavehimaseizure,forfuck’ssake.Ofcoursehelooksweird.
“Areyou…Iwasheadinghome.I’mdonewith…whatIcamefor.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.Wanttoleavetogether?”
Hedoesn’tmove.“Yousaidtherewassomethingweirdyouwantedtoshowme?”Whyishenotsmiling?
“No,I…”Iwipemypalmagainstthesideofmythigh.It’sgross,clammy.Mygrandmother’sringcatchesontheseam.“Imisspoke.”
“Idon’tthinkyoudid.”
Myheartskipsseveralbeats.Thenitgallops,twentytimesfaster.“Itdoesn’tmatter.”Ineedmystupidvoicetoshakeless.“Igottago.It’slate,andI’mtechnicallyoffBLINK.Ishouldn’tevenbehere—Boriswillhavemearrested.”Ileanback.Turnoffmycomputer,keepingmyeyesonGuytheentiretime.ThenImakemywaytothedoor.“Well,haveagoodnight.Couldyouletmethrough?Ican’tquite—”
“Bee.”Hedoesn’tmove.Histoneisslightlyreproachful.“You’remakingthingscomplicatedforme.”
Iswallow.Audibly.“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because…what?Isittheseizure?Ireallydidn’tmeanto—”
“Ithinkitwouldbehypocriticalofmetogettestyaboutthat.”Hesighs,andI’minstantlyawareofhowmuchlargerthanmeheis.He’snothinglikeLevi,butI’masbigasfivebananasinatrenchcoat,whichmightbea…aproblem?
“What’sgoingon?”Iwhisper.“Guy?”
“WhathaveyoutoldLevi?”heasks,hisexpressionamixofcalmandirritation.Aparentcleaningupafterachildspilledaglassofmilk.
“…ToldLevi?”
“Aboutthesecurityfootage.Didyoutalktohimonthephoneafteryouemailedhim?”
Ifreeze.“HowdoyouknowIemailedhim?”
“Answerme,please.”
“H-howdoyouknow?Aboutmyemail?”Iretreatuntilthebacksofmylegshitmydesk.
“Bee.”Herollshiseyes.“I’vebeeninandoutofyouremailforalongtime.MakingsureLevi’smessagescouldn’treachyou.Creatingsome…miscommunications.Youknow,there’sareasonwebsitestellyoutousedifficultpasswords,MarieMonAmour123.”
“Itwasyou.”Igasp,tryingtostepevenfartheraway.There’snowheretogo.“Howdidyougetintomycomputer?”
“Isetitup.”Hegivesmeanincredulouslook.“You’renotverygoodattechnology,areyou?”
Ifrown,pulledrightoutofshockandintofuriousoutrage.“Hey!Icancodeinthreeprogramminglanguages!”
“IsoneofthemHTML?”
Iflush.“HTMLisvalid,youstemlord.AndIminoredincomputerscience.Andwhythehellwereyouinmydamnemail?!”
“Because,Bee,youwouldn’tjustmindyourdamnbusiness.”Hetakesasteptowardme,nostrilsflaring.“DidyouknowthattheSullivanprototypeshouldhavebeencalledKowalsky-Sullivan?Ofcourse,Peterhadtogethisheadsmashed—”Hestops,pausingforamoment.“Okay,thiscameoutwrong.Iwassorrywhenithappened.ButmyworkonBLINKwaserased.Byvirtueofdying,Petergotallthecredit,and—itwouldhavebeenfine.ButthenLeviofferedtoleadBLINKoutofsomemisplacedguilt,andtheychosehimoverme.IhadnocontroloversomethingIspentyearsworkingon.”Hisvoicerises.HecomescloserandIflattenagainstthedesk.“AndforsolongIwassureBLINKwouldn’tgetdone,thatit’dbedelayed,thatLeviwouldmoveontootherthings—hewasn’tevendoingneuroimaginganymore,didyouknowthat?Ifithadn’tbeenforPeter,he’dstillbeattheJetPropulsionLab.Butno.Hehadtopoachmyproject.”
“Whatdidyoudo?”Imurmur.
“IdidwhatIhadto.ThismorningItookafewcaffeinepills,justtobe,youknow…excitable.AndIfudgedtheprotocols.Butyouputmeinthissituation.YouandLevi.Because,Bee—oh,Bee,hewasobsessedwithyou.ThesecondNIHnominatedyou,hehadtomakeBLINKhappen.AndItriedtodowhatIcould—makeyouguysfightalittle.Littledelays.Missingfiles.Forawhileyouseemedstuck,andIhopedtimewouldrunoutandyou’dgobacktoNIH.”Hiseyesarealittlecrazed.“Butyoucrackedit.And…Ihadtodoit.Todayhadtohappen.Theywon’tletLevistayontheproject.”
“OnTwitter.WhatdidyoudoonTwitter?”
Herunsahanddownhisface.“Thatwas—Iwasn’tgoingtoinvolveyou,believeitornot.ButwhenIfoundoutthatyouweren’treallymarried,thatLeviliedtome,Iwasveryupset.Itdidn’ttakelongtorealizethat…Icannotbelieveyou’refuckinghim,Bee.YourTwitterwasonyourcomputer,andI’dbeenfollowingyouronlineidentity,so…Iknewwhattodo.”
“OhmyGod.”
“Youweresupposedtohatehim!WhenNIHselectedyou,Levitoldmeyouhadissuesinthepast.AndIthought—perfect!”Hesighslikehe’sdeeplytired.“Andthenyoufellinlove.Whodoesthat?”
“Areyoucrazy?”
“I’mangry.Becauseitwouldhaveworkedoutgreatifyouhadn’tnoticedthesecurityfootage.IguessIgotabitsloppyateditingmyselfout?Whywereyoulookingatit,anyway?”
Ishakemyhead.I’mnotexplainingFélicettetothisasshole.“Youarecrazy.”
“Yeah.”Hecloseshiseyes.“Maybe.”
Ilookaroundfor—I’mnotsurewhat.Asiren?Abaseballbat?OneofthoseportabletransportersfromStarTrek?“Letmego,”Isay.
“Bee.”Heopenshiseyes.“Youdon’tneedtobeanevilmastermindtoacknowledgethatIcannotletyougo.”
“Yousortofhaveto.Youcan’tdoanythingtome.Therearecameras—”
“—whosefootageweestablishedIcandoctor—thankstoyourRA,bytheway.Ionlygotaccesstothesurveillancecircuitaftercatchingherinflagrante.”
“Youstillusedyourbadgetocomein—”
“—Ididn’t,actually.Prettyeasytocloneananonymousbadge.”
MyfingersshakewhenIgripmydesk.“What’syourplan,then?”
Hetakessomethingoutofhispocket.No.No.
No,no,no
“Isthatagun?”Igaspout.
“Yeah.”Hesoundsalmostapologetic.Myentireworldstops.
I’musedtobeingscared.Ilivemylifeinfear—fearofbeingabandoned,fearoffailing,fearoflosingeverything.Butthisisdifferent.Isitterror?Real,hindbrainterror?IsthishowtheladyfeelsinScreamandScream2,3,and4,whensherealizesthatthecallerisinthehouse?Didtheyevermake5?God,willIdiebeforeScream5hitstheaters?
“What—Wheredidyoueven—Isthatreal?”
“Yeah.Reallyeasytogetone.”HeholdsthegunlikehehatesitalmostasmuchasIdo.“NRA’scrazyhere.”
“IguessI’mhavingthefullTexasexperience,”Imumble,numb.Thiscannotbehappening.I’mwell-acquaintedwithstemlords’disregardforwomen,butonewantingtokillme?Asteptoofuckingfar.“Doyouevenknowhowtousethat?”
“Theyteachyou.Duringastronauttraining.InsertSpaceForcejoke.”Helaughsonce,humorlessly.“ButIwon’tneedtouseit.Becausewe’regoinguptotheroof.PoorlittleBee.Inafewshortdaysshelosteverything.Couldn’thandlethestress.Decidedtojump.”
“Iwilldonosuch—”
Guypointsthegunatme.
Oh,shit.I’mgoingtodie.Inmystupidoffice.Killedbyastemlord.I’mgoingtodiewithouthavinghadacat.I’mgoingtodiewithouthavingadmittedtoLevithatIlovehimmorethanIthoughtpossible.Withoutachancetoshowhim—toshowmyself—thatIcanbebrave.
AtleastMariehadPierreforawhile.Atleastshetookachance.AtleastshetriednottoactlikethestupidcowardI’vebeenandohGod,maybeifIbegGuyhe’llletmetextLeviandI’llbeabletotellhim,Ijustwanttotellhim,itseemssuchawastenottohavetoldhim,and—
Ameowingsound.Webothturn.Félicetteisonthefilingcabinetnearthedoor,growlingatGuy.Hegivesheraconfusedlook.“Whatthehellis—”
Félicettepouncesonhimwithashriek,clutchinghisheadandclawingathim.Guythrashesaround,leavingthedoorempty.Isprintoutoftheroom,runningasfastasIcan—notnearlyfastenough.Icanhearstepsrightbehindme.
“Stop!Bee,stop,orI’mfuckinggoingto—”
I’mattheendofthehallway.Mylegsaregivingout,mylungsonfire.He’sgoingtokillme.OhmyGod,he’sgoingtokillme.
Iturnthecorneranddarttothelanding.GuyyellssomethingIcannotmakeout.Itakemyphoneouttocall911,butthereisastringofloudnoisesbehindme.Shit,hasheshotme?No,notagunshot.
Iturnaround,expectingtoseehimcomeatme,but—
Levi.
Levi?
Levi.
HeandGuyaretusslingonthefloor,gruntingandstrugglingandrollingaroundinavicious,violentembrace.Istareatthemforseveralseconds,open-mouthed,paralyzed.Levi’sbigger,butGuyhasafuckinggun,andwhenheadjustshisgriptoaimatLeviI—
Levi!
Idon’teventhinkaboutit—IrunbacktowherethefightishappeningandkickGuyintheribssoforcefully,Ifeelazingofpaintravelfrommytoesupmyspinalcord.
Iblink,andbythetimemyeyesareopenagainLevi’spinningGuytothefloor,holdinghisarmsbehindhisback.Thegunhasskitteredseveralfeetaway.Itis,infact,veryclosetome.
Ilookatit.Considerpickingitup.Decidenotto.
Levi.
“Youokay,Bee?”Hesoundswinded.
Inod.“He…he…”Guyisstruggling.Demandingtobeletgo.Swearing.InsultingLevi,me,theworld.MylegsfeellikeJell-O—theoff-brandone,whichdoesn’tbounceverywell.Icoulduseapukebucket.
“Bee?”Levisays.
“…Yeah?”
“Canyoudosomethingforme,sweetheart?”
Unlikely.“Yeah?”
“Iwantyoutotakeasteptoyourright.Another.Another.”Mykneehitstheedgeofoneofthelobbycouches.Levismiles,likehe’sincrediblyproudofme.“Perfect.Nowsitdown.”
Idoit,confused.There’ssomethingwetonmyhand.Ilookdown:Félicetteislickingmyfingers.“I…Why?”
“BecauseI’llneedtorestrainGuyuntilsecuritygetshere.AndIwon’tbeabletocatchyouwhenyoupassout.”
“ButI…”Myeyelidsflutterclosed,and…
Well.Youknowthedrillbynow.25
ORIENS-LACUNOSUMMOLECULAREINTERNEURONS:COURAGE
“NOTTOBEwhiny,”Itellthenursewithadesperate-yet-grateful-yet-really-desperatesmile.“Iappreciateeverythingyou’redoing,butNIHhasnotoriouslycrappyhealthinsurance,andifItoldyouwhatarecentPh.D.makesayear,you’ddischargemeimmediately.”Andgivemetenbucksforthecabhome.
“NASAwillcoverthis,”Kayleesays.She’sonthebednexttome,leaningagainstmypillowassheshowsmethewondersofTikTok.I’mclearlygoingtohavetodownloadthistime-sinkingblackholeofanapp.
“Oryou’llsuethem,”Rocíoaddsfromtheguestchair.She’ssprawledcomfortably,aGREprepmanualonherlapandherbootedfeetontopofthecovers.ThethingsIletherdo,justbecausesheis,asKayleewouldputit,“myfave.”
“I’mnotgoingtosueNASA.”
“WhatiftheydecidetocalltheirnextMarsroverTheMarieCuriebuttheyendupmisspellingitTheMariahCarey?”
Imullitover.“Imightsueinthatcase.”
RocíogivesmeapleasedIknowyousmile.Myphonebuzzes.
REIKE:OMGyou’reontheNEWS
REIKE:HEREINNORWAYINTHISPUBI’MAT
REIKE:Isthiswhatstardomfeelslike?
Iclosemyeyes,whichprovestobeamistake.TheimageofReikeclimbingoverthecounterofaBergendivebarandpointingattheTVisdisturbinglyvivid.
BEE:Youdon’tevenspeakNorwegian.
REIKE:No,butthenewsladysaidNASAandHouston,andtheyputthemugshotoftheGuyguyonthescreen
REIKE:loltheGuyguyI’mhilarious
BEE:Areyoudrunk?
REIKE:LISTENMYFAVORITESISTERALMOSTGOTKILLEDLASTNIGHTI’MALLOWEDTODROWNMYTRAUMAINSOMENORWEGIANLIQUORTHATICANNOTPRONOUNCE
BEE:I’myouronlysister.
REIKE:Ilockmyphoneandslideitunderthepillow.Idon’tevenknowwhyI’minahospital.Thedoctorssaidthatmepassingoutwasconcerning,andIalmostlaughedintheirfaces.Ijustwanttogohome.Stareoutofthewindow.Thinkwistfullyabouttheephemeralnatureofhumanexistence.Watchcatvideos.
“Hereitsaysthat‘abreast’means‘uptodate’andhasnothingwhatsoevertodowithboobs.”Rocíostaresatthevocabsectionofhermanual.“Soundsfake.”
KayleeandIexchangeaworriedlook.
“And‘bombastic’isarealword?Thiscan’tberight.”
“Babe,I’llstarttutoringyouagainassoonasNASA’snotbeingsabotagedanymore.”
IgiveKayleeagratefulsmile.SheandRocíowereinthehospitalroomthismorningwhenIwokeup,andthey’vestuckaroundsincethenliketheamazinghumanbeingstheyare.InowknowmoreaboutbodydecompositionandmakeuppalettesthanIthoughtIeverwould,butIregretnothing.Thisisalmostnice.
ThenBorisenterstheroomwithableakexpression.CloselyfollowedbyLevi.
Myheartflutters.WhenIaskedabouthimthismorning,thegirlstoldmehewaswithlawenforcementintheDiscoveryBuilding.Hemeetsmyeyes,givesmeasmallsmile,andsetsabagandaboxofmyfavoritebrandofveganbrowniesonmybedsidetable.
Borisstandsbesidethebed,rubbinghisforehead,lookingtired,aggravated,attheendofhisrope.Iwonderifhesleptatall.Poorman.
“I’matanimpasse,Bee.”Hesighs.“NASAfirmlyinstructedmenottoapologizetoyoubecauseitwouldbeadmissibleevidenceifyoudecidedtosue,but…”Heshrugs.“Iamsorry,and—”
“Don’t.”Ismile.“Don’tpissoffyourlawyersoverthis.Iwasrighttherewithyou,thinkingthatitwasmyerror.Ididn’tknowGuywasbatshitcrazy,andIworkedwithhimeveryday—howcouldyou?”
“Guywill…Heisfired,ofcourse.Andtherewillbelegalrepercussions.We’llresumeBLINKthesecondtheDiscoveryBuildingisnotcakedinyellowtape,withanotherdemonstration.IexplainedeverythingtoNIHandmysuperiors,andofcourseIambeggingyouonmykneestoreturn—”
“You’restanding,”Rocíopointsout,unimpressed.Levilooksaway,bitingbackasmile.
“Rocío,”Iscoldhergently.
“What?Makehimgrovelharder.”
Igiveherafondlook.“Noneofthiswashisfault.Plus,thinkhowgoodyourPh.D.applicationswilllookwhentheycomewitharecommendationletterfromtheDirectorofResearchattheJohnsonSpaceCenter.”IholdBoris’sgaze.Afteramomenthenods,defeated.Heneedsanap.Orninecoffees.
“I’dbehappyto,Ms.Cortoreal.Youdeserveit.”
“WillyoumentionthatIhadsexatworkwiththemostbeautifulwomanintheworld?”SheglancesatKaylee,whoblushesprettily.
“I—”Herubshistemple.“Iactuallyforgotaboutthat.”
“Isthatafirmno?Becauseit’soneofmyproudestaccomplishments.”
Borisleavesafewminuteslater.Levipullsupachairandsitsnexttometocatchusup.“I’mnotsurewhatthechargesare,butGuywassohighup,hadaccesstosomuchinformation,we’llhavetodouble-checkeverysinglechunkofcodeweeverwrote,everypieceofhardware.It’sasetback—abigone.ButBLINKwillbefine,ultimately.”Hedoesn’tseemtooconcerned.
“Hehasakid,doesn’the?”Kayleeasks.
“Yeah.Hehadanastydivorcelastyear,whichIdon’tthinkhelpedwith…whateverhappened.Iwaswithhimalot,butIdidn’tseeit.Ireallydidn’t.”
“Obviously,”Rocíomutters.LeviandIshareanamusedlook,and…
Itsticks,alittlebit.It’shardformetoletgoofhiseyes,andforhimtoletgoofmine.Isuspectit’sbecausethelasttimeIsawhimwassuchamess,andthetimebeforeanevenmessiermess.Andnowwe’rehere,infrontofthismessymess,and…
It’sdifficulttobreathe.
“Well,”Kayleesays,jumpingup,“RocíoandIgottago.”
Rocíofrowns.“Where?”
“Ah,tobed.”
“Butit’sthreeintheafterno—”Kayleedragsherupbythewrist,butwhenthey’reatthedoorRocíofreesherselfandcomestostandinfrontofLevi
“Imustthankyou.ForsavingBee’slife,”shesayssolemnly.“Tome,sheislikeamother.ThemotherIneverhad.”
“YouhaveanamazingmotherbackinBaltimore,”Ipointout,“andI’monlyfiveyearsolderthanyou.”Iamignored.
“Iwanttogiveyouatoken.Toacknowledgeyourcontributions.”
“There’snoneed,”Levisays,justassolemnly.
Rocíorummagesinherjeanspocketandoffershimanunwrapped,slightlysquishedredgumball.
“Thankyou.Thisis…”Helooksatthegum.“AthingthatInowhave.”
Rocíonodssomberly,andthenLeviandIarealone.Well.Withthegumball.
“Didyouwantit?”heasksme.
“Icouldnever.It’syourrewardforsavingmylife.”
“Prettysureyousavedyourownlife.”
“Itwasateameffort.”Thereisasmalllull,anot-exactly-unpleasantsilence.IfindthatIcan’tquitemeetLevi’sgaze,soIglancearound.“Arethebrowniesforme?”
“Iwasn’tsurewhatthefoodoptionswere.”Hewetshislips.“Thebag’sforyou,too.”
“Oh.”Ipeek.Insidethere’ssomethingwrappedinnewspaper.Iputitinmylapandstartunrollingit.“It’snotGuy’sheartthatyoucutoutofhischest,isit?”
Heshakeshishead.“IalreadyfedthattoSchr?dinger.”
“I—”Ipausemid-action.“I’msosorry.Icannotimaginehowharditmustbe.He’soneofyourclosestfriends,andthefactthathewassojealousofyouandPeteris…”
“Yeah,I…I’llgotalktohim.Whenit’sbeenawhileandIwanttopunchhimless.Butfornow…”Heshrugs.“Youshouldopenthat.”
Iresume.It’saboutfivelayersbeforeIcanmakeoutwhatitis.
“Amug?”Iturnitaroundandbreakintoagrin.“OhmyGod,YodaBestNeuroscientist!Youhaditmade!”
“Lookinside,too.”
Ido.“Abobblehead?IsthisMarieCurie?”Iliftitup,grinning.“She’sstandinginfrontofherlabbench!Andshe’swearing—Thiswasherweddinggown,didyouknowthat?”
“Ididn’t.”Hehesitatesbeforeadding:“Iwonthisinmiddleschool.Secondplaceatthesciencefair.Thebeakersshe’sholdingglowinthedark.”
Mysmilevanishesslowly.I’mtoobusystaringatMarie’sprettyfacetorealizethatI’veheardthatsciencefairstoryoncebefore.No.No,Ididn’thearit.Ireadit.Onmy…
Myarmsfallintomylap.“Youknow.Youknowabout…”
Henods.“Ireviewedthesecurityfootage.Ididn’tnoticeatfirst,butafteryouwrotethattext—Iwasjogging,bytheway,somaybenexttimegivemefifteenminutesorsobeforejumpingheadfirstintodangeralone—afteryourtextIlookedatthefootagemoreclosely.Andsawyourcomputer.”
Istareathim.I’mwhollyunpreparedforthisconversation.“I…”
“Didyouknowallalong?”
“No.”Ishakemyhandvehemently.“No,I—Thepicture.Schr?dinger,was—Youtweetedit.AndthenI…Ihadnoidea.Beforeyesterday.”
Levijustleansforward,elbowsonhisknees,andlooksatmepatiently.“Meneither.”Hesmileswryly.“OrIwouldn’thavetalkedaboutyouwithyousomuch.”
“Oh.”Iflushasvermillionasacardinalmaleatthepeakofmatingseason.Myheartthrashesinmychest—alsolikeacardinalmaleatthepeakofmatingseason.“Right.”
Thethingshesaid.
Iwanttopushheragainstawall,andIwanthertopushback.
The.
Things.
He.
Said.
“Areyouokay?”heasks,concerned.It’swarranted:Imightbeinthemidstofacardiacevent.
“I—I’mfine.I…HaveyoueverseenYou’veGotMail?”
“Nope.”Hegivesmeahesitantlook.“Maybewecouldwatchittogether?”
Yes,Iwanttosay.Ievenopenmymouth,butnosoundcomesoutofmystupid,stubborn,petrifiedvocalbox.Itryagain:nothing.Stillnothing.Myfingersclenchthesheets,andIstudytheamused,knowingexpressioninhiseyes.Likehefullyunderstandswhat’sgoingoninsideme.
“Didyouknowthatsheusedtobeagoverness?MarieCurie?”
Inod,slightlytakenaback.“Shehadanagreementwithhersister.Marieworkedasagovernessandhelpedhersisterpayformedschool.Then,oncehersisterhadajob,theyflipped.”
“SoyouknowaboutKazimierz?orawski?”
Itiltmyhead.“Themathematician?”
“Heeventuallybecameone—agoodone,too.ButinitiallyhewasjustoneofthesonsofthefamilyMarieworkedfor.HeandMariewerethesameage,bothexceptionally…”
“Nerdy?”
“Youknowthetype.”Heflashesasmile,whichfadesalmostimmediately.“Theyfellinlove,buthewasrich,shewasn’t,andbackthenthingsweren’tassimpleaswantingtomarrysomeone.”
“Hisparentsseparatedthem,”Imurmur.“Theywereheartbroken.”
“Maybeitwasdestiny.Ifshe’dstayedinPoland,shewouldn’thavemetPierre.Thetwoofthemwereveryhappybyallaccounts.Theideaofradioactivitywashers,butPierrehelpedherout.Kazimierzwasamathematician;hemightnothavebeenasinvolvedinherresearch.”Levishrugs.“It’sallabunchofwhat-ifs.”
Inod.
“ButheneverreallygotoverMarie.?orawski,Imean.Hemarriedapianist,hadchildren—namedoneMaria,whichisamusing—studiedinGermany,becameaprofessoratWarsawPolytechnic,workedon…geometry,Ibelieve.Helivedafulllife.Andyet,asanoldman,hecouldbefoundsittinginfrontofMarieCurie’sstatueinWarsaw.Staringforhours.Thinkingaboutwhoknowswhat.Abunchofwhat-ifs,maybe.”ThegreenofLevi’seyesissobrightIcan’tlookaway.“MaybeaboutwhateverlittlepersonalityquirkofMariemadehimfallforherahandfulofdecadesbefore.”
“Doyouthink…”Mycheeksarewet.Idon’tbotherwipingthem.“Doyouthinksheusedtocookterriblestir-fries?”
“Icanseethat.”Hebitestheinsideofhischeek.“Maybeshealsoinsistedonfeedingamurderofimaginarycats.”
“I’llhaveyouknowthatFélicettesavedmylife.”
“Isawthat.Itwasveryimpressive.”
Cartsrollinthehallwayoutside.Adoorcloses,andanotheropens.Someonelaughs.
“Levi?”
“Yes?”
“Doyouthinkthey…Marie,andPierre,andthemathematician,andeveryoneelse…doyouthinktheyeverwishedthey’djustnevermet?Neverbeeninlove?”
Henods,asthoughhe’sconsideredthematterbefore.“Ireallydon’tknow,Bee.ButIdoknowthatIneverhave.Notonce.”
Thehallwayissuddenlysilent.Anoddmusicalchaospoundssweetlyinsidemyhead.Aprecipice,thisone.Adeep,dangerousoceantoleapinto.Maybeit’sabadidea.MaybeIshouldbescared.MaybeIwillregretthis.Maybe,maybe,maybe.
Maybethisfeelslikehome.
“Levi?”
Helooksatme,calm.Hopeful.Sopatient,mylove.
“Levi,I—”
Thedooropenswithasuddennoise.“Howareyoufeelingtoday,Bee?”Mydoctorstepsinwithanurseintow.
Levi’seyeslingeronmeforonemoresecond.Orfive.Butthenhestands.“Iwasjustabouttoheadout.”
Iwatchhissmallsmileashewavesgoodbye.Iwatchthewayhishaircurlsonhisnapeashestepsout.Iwatchthedoorclosebehindhim,andwhenthedoctorstartsaskingmequestionsaboutmyuselessparasympatheticnervoussystem,it’sallIcandonottoglareather.
???
TWODAYS.
Twodays,I’minthedamnhospital.Thenthedoctordischargesmewithasquinty,distrustful,“Theredoesn’tseemtobeanythingwrongwithyou.”Rocíopicksmeupwithourrental(“InancientEgypt,femalecorpseswerekeptathomeuntiltheydecomposedtoavoidnecrophiliaattheembalmer’s.Didyouknowthat?”“NowIdo.”),andisjustassquintyanddistrustfulwhenIaskhertodropmeoffattheDiscoveryBuilding—andtopleaseleavethecarintheparkinglot.
There’snopolicetapeinside.Infact,Imeetseveralnon-BLINKengineersinthehallways.Ismilepolitely,shrugofftheircurious,intriguedlooks,andheadformyoffice.There’saDoNotEntersignonthewall.Iignoreit.
Iwalkoutsixhourslater,notquitegracefully.I’mcarryingalargeboxandIcan’tseemyfeet,soItripalot.(WhoamIkidding?Ialwaystripalot.)Inthecar,Itinkerwithmyphone,searchingforagoodsong,andfindnoneIcaretolistento.
It’sdarkalready,pastsundown.Forsomeunfathomablereason,thesilentlightsoftheHoustonskylinemakemethinkofParisattheturnofthetwentiethcentury.TheBelleépoque,theycalledit.WhileDr.Curieholedupinhershed-slash-lab,HenrideToulouse-LautrecchuggedabsintheattheMoulinRouge.EdgarDegascreepedonballetdancersandbathingladies.MarcelProustbentoverhisdesk,writingbooksI’llnevergetaroundtoreading.AugusteRodinsculptedthinkingmenandgrewimpressivebeards.TheLumièrebrotherslaidthefoundationformasterpiecessuchasCitizenKane,TheEmpireStrikesBack,theAmericanPiefranchise.
IwonderifMarieeverwentoutatnight.Everyonceinawhile.IwonderifPierreeverpriedabeakerfullofuraniumoreoutofherhandanddraggedhertoMontmartreforawalkorashow.Iwonderiftheyhadfun,inthefewyearstheyhadtogether.
Yes.I’msuretheydid.I’msuretheyhadablast.AndI’msure,likeI’veneverbeensurebefore,thatsheneverregrettedanything.Thatshetreasuredeverysecond.
ThesolarlightsareoninLevi’syard,justbrightenoughformetoseethehummingbirdmint,purpleandyellowandred.Ismileandliftthelarge,lightboxfromthepassengerseat,stoppingtocooatit.Iknowaboutthesparekeyhiddenunderapotofrosemary,butIringthedoorbellanyway.WhileIwait,ItrytospyintotheairholesIcarvedonthetop.Can’tseemuch.
“Bee?”
Ilookup.Breathless.Notscared.I’mnotscaredanymore.
“Hi.I…Hi.”He’ssohandsome.Stupidly,unjustlyhandsome.Iwanttolookathisstupidly,unjustlyhandsomefacefor…foraslongasIpossiblycan.Couldbeaminute.Hopefully,it’llbeseventyyears.
“Areyouokay?”
Itakeadeepbreath.Schr?dinger’shere,too;staringupquizzicallyatmeandmycargo.“Hi.”
“Hi.Areyou…?”Levireachesforme.Abruptlystopshimself.“Hey.”
“Iwaswondering…”Iliftupthebox.Holditouttohim.Clearmythroat.“Iwaswondering…doyouthinkpoorSchr?dingerwouldhateusifweadoptedanothercat?”
Leviblinksatme,confused.“Whatdoyou—?”
Insidethebox,Félicetteexplodesinalong,plaintivemeow.Herpinknosepeeksoutfromoneoftheairholes,herpawfromanother.Iletoutawet,bubbly,happylaugh.TurnsoutI’mcryingagain.
Throughthetears,IseeunderstandingonLevi’sface.Thenpure,overwhelming,knee-shakingjoyinhiseyes.Butit’sonlyamoment.Bythetimehereachesovertotaketheboxfrommyhands,heisgrounded.Solid.Profoundly,quietlyhappy.
“Ithink,”hesaysslowly,carefully,hisvoicealittlethick,“thatwewon’tknowuntilwetry.”EPILOGUE
HERE’SMYFAVORITEpieceoftriviainthewholeworld:Dr.MarieSk?odowska-CurieandDr.BeeK?nigswasser-Wardshoweduptotheirweddingceremonieswearingtheirlabgowns.
Well.Clothes.Gownsaren’treallyathinganymore.Unlessyou’rewalkingtheredcarpetattheMetGalaor…well,gettingmarried,Iguess.WhichIwas.But.IwaswearingaTargetdress—yup,theTargetdress—whichIsometimeswearatwork.AndIworkinaNASAlab,whichtechnicallymakesit“labclothes.”IguessI’mapragmaticgal,too.
LeviandIaren’tgoingtohaveaceremonyuntilthissummer.July26,tobeprecise.I’dexplainwhyIpickedthatdate,butitmightshiftyouropinionofmefrom“quirkyMarieCuriefangirl”to“dangerouslyobsessivestalker,”so…yeah.I’llletyougoogleit,ifyoumust.Anyway,eventhoughwe’remarried,onlyahandfulofpeopleknow.Reike,forinstance(“ShouldIhyphenatemyname,too?MareikeK?nigswasser-Ward.Niceringtoit,huh?”).PennyandLily(ourimpromptuwitnesses).Schr?dingerandFélicette,ofcourse,buttheydidn’tcaretoomuchwhenwetoldthem.Theyjustblinkedsleepilyatusandwentbacktonappingontopofeachother,stirringonlywhenadollopofcelebratorywhippedcreamappeared.
Ungratefulcreatures.Ilovethem.
It’sabitodd,thewayourelopementcameabout.InoticedLevi’sfrustrationwhen,aroundtheninthtimeheproposed,ItoldhimthatIdidwanttomarryhim,butIwastraumatizedbythelast-minutesplitofmypreviousengagement(andbythethousandsofdollarswastedinsecuritydeposits).Butthesolutiontothismessappearedtomeinadream.(That’salie:Iwaspluckingmyeyebrows.)
Isecretlyappliedforamarriagelicense.Then,onarandomThursdaymorning,ItoldhimIwantedtodrivethetruck(hewasnotafan,buthiditwell).Hethoughtwewereheadingtowork(hencetheTargetdress),butinsteadIsneakilynavigatedustothecourthouse.Inthealready-crowdedearly-morningparkinglot,whilehelookedaroundtofigureoutwherethehellwewere,ItoldhimI’dmarryhimthatveryday.ThatIcouldn’tbeafraidofhimleavingmeatthealtarifwe’dalreadytiedtheknot.ThatIwouldn’tevenmakehimsignaprenuptopreventhimfromclaimingrightstomylimited-editionEmpireStrikesBackDVD,becauseIwasn’tplanningondivorcinghim.Ever.
“IguessIshouldproperlyask,”Isaidaftermethodicallyexplainingmyreasoning,“willyoumarryme,Levi?”Towhichhesaid,“Yeah.”Hoarse.Tongue-tied.Breathless.Handsome,sohandsomethatIhadtokisshim,alittletearfully.Andby“alittle”Imean“alot.”Andby“tearfully”Imeanthatsnotwasinvolved.Itwasugly,kids.
Anditwasbeautiful.
Afteraninety-four-secondceremonywedrovetotheSpaceCenter,madeupanexcuseforbeinglate,andIhadLeanCuisineatmydeskwhilefrowningattheterriblesignaldropoutintheastronauts’MRIscans.IonlysawLevionce,inpublic,andtheoneinteractionwewereabletosneakwashishandbrieflybrushingmylowerback.Yikes,right?
Itwasthebestdayofmylife.
Unliketoday.Today’sgoingtobetheworstdayofmylife.It’s8:43a.m.,andIalreadyknowit.
“Areyouactuallygoingtodothis?”Reikeasks,staringatthe“#FAIRGRADUATEADMISSIONSRACE,STARTLINE”banneraboveourheads.
“Myheartsaysno.”
“Andyourbody?”
“Mybodyalsosaysno.Butlouder.”
Shenods,unsurprised.“Youcanprobablydoit.The5K,Imean.Fortheloveofthegoddess,donotattemptthehalfmarathon.”
“That’salotoftrustfromsomeonewhohasmysamewimpyconstitutionandshouldknowbetter.”
“IthasnothingtodowithconstitutionandeverythingtodowithLevitrainingyoufor…it’sbeenwhat,eightmonths?”
“Eightmonthstoolong.”
Weexchangeaglance,laughingateachother.IlovehavingReikehere.IlovethatsheandLeviarrangedhervisitbehindmybackandsurprisedmewithit.Ilovehernaggingusbecausewehaveonlyveganfoodinthehouseandshe’s“sickofcompetingwiththecatsforameagersliceofchickenbreast!”Ilovethatshe’shookingupwithnose-tonguedudewhileshe’shere.Iloveher.Iloveallofthis.
“Areyougoingtodotherace?”Iask.
“Yeah.It’sforagoodcause.NotthatIfullyunderstandwhataPh.D.is,whatgraduateadmissionsare,orevenwhysomeonewouldvoluntarilygotoschool,butifyousayyou’rehelpingtraditionallyunderrepresentedgroups,I’monboard.RocíoandIwillwalkandchat.She’splanningtotalktomeaboutyet-uncaughtserialkillers.”
“Lovely.”
“Isn’tshe?IcannotbelieveyoulethermovebacktoBaltimore.”
“Iknow,butshegotintoherdreamschool,hasanapartmentwithherdreamgirlfriend,andI’mprettysureshe’saleaderinthelocalWiccancommunity.I’mjustgladsheandKayleemanagedtobehereforthe5Kafterputtingsomucheffortintoorganizingit.”
AyoungwomanwalksuptoReikewithasmile.“Excuseme—Dr.K?nigswasser?”
“Oh”—shepointsatmewithherthumb—“notquitetheK?nigswasseryou’relookingfor.”
“Yep,thisisactuallymyeviltwin.I’mBee.”
“Kate.I’mapsychologygradatUMN.”Sheshakesmyhandenthusiastically.“I’vebeenfollowing@WhatWouldMarieDoforyears,andIjustwantedtosayhowcoolthisis.”Shegesturesaroundherself.Threethousandpeoplesignedupforthe5K,butitfeelslikethreemillionshowedup—perhapsbecauseitturnedintoagradschoolfairofsorts.Theorganizingcommitteedecidedtoallowuniversitiesthatpledgedtoguaranteeafair,holisticadmissionprocesstheopportunitytosetupstandstorecruitatthefinishinglines.Iglanceatthecrowd,spottingAnnieandwavingather.Wewentoutfordinnerlastnight,sincesheflewinfortheraceadayearly.It’snotnotstrange,havingamealwithyourformerbestfriendwhooncebrokeyourheart,butwe’reslowlymendingthings.Plus,shehelpedoutalotwiththelogisticsofthe5K.
IalwaysthoughtthatrevealingmyidentitywouldruinthefunofrunningWWMDforme,andIwasfrustratedwhenGuy’sactionsmadeitimpossibleformetodootherwise.RememberwhenIsaidthatIwasscaredofbeingdoxxedbycreepswholookbackwistfullytoGamergate?Well,thathappened.Alittlebit.TherewassomeunpleasantnessasthenewsspreadandIwentpublic—someawkwardness,aperiodofadjustment.ButonedayRocíocalledandsaid,“Ialwayssuspectedthatdeepdownyouwerecool,butIfigureditwasjustwishfulthinking.Instead,lookatyou!”That’swhenIkneweverythingwouldbeallright.Andwithtime,itwas.Beingoldnewsissucharelief
“ThankyousomuchforcomingallthewayfromMinnesota,Kate.”
“Youflewin,too,right?FromMaryland?”
“Iactuallyliveherenow.InHouston.LeftNIHforNASAlastyear.”
BLINK’sdemonstrationwasaresoundingsuccess.Well,thefirstwasaresoundingdisaster.Butthesecondonewentsowell,gotsomuchpositiveattention—likelybecauseofthebotchedfirstattemptandthepublicityitgenerated—thatLeviandIendeduphavingourpickofjobs.YouknowhowIthoughtI’denduplivinginanunderpasswithapileofangryspiders?AmonthlaterIwasofferedTrevor’sjob.AndwhenIdeclined,Trevor’sboss’sposition.That’slifeinacademia,Iguess:theagonyandtheecstasy.Ebbsandflows.DidIfantasizeabouttakingthejobandforcingTrevortowritemeareportonhowmenarestupiderbecausetheirbrainshavelowerneuraldensities?Often.Andwithalmostsexualpleasure.
Intheend,LeviandIconsideredNIH.WeconsideredNASA.Weconsideredquitting,buildingalabinaretrofittedshed,Curie-style,andgoingrogue.Weconsideredfacultypositions.WeconsideredEurope.Weconsideredindustry.Weconsideredsomuch,weweredoingnothingbutconsideringforawhile.(Andhavingsex.AndrewatchingTheEmpireStrikesBack,aboutonceaweek.)Intheend,wealwayscamebacktoNASA.Maybejustbecausewehavegoodmemorieshere.Becausedeepdown,weliketheweather.BecausewetrulyenjoyannoyingBoris.Becausethehummingbirdsrelyonusfortheirmint.
Orbecause,asLevisaidonenightontheporch,myheadinhislapaswelookedatthestars,“Thishouseisinareallygoodschooldistrict.”Heonlybrieflymetmyeyes,andI’m74percentsurehewasblushing,butweformallyacceptedNASA’soffersthefollowingday.WhichmeansthatnowIhavemypermanentlab,rightnexttohis.Ayearago,itwouldhavebeenanightmare.Funnyhowthesethingsgo,huh?
Thetwo-minutewarningwhistles,andpeoplestarttricklingtothestartline.Alargehandwrapsaroundmineandpullsmetowardthecrowd.
“Didyoucomegetherbecauseyouknowthatotherwiseshe’llrunaway?”Reikeasks.
Levismiles.“Oh,shewouldn’trun.Morelikeabriskwalk.”
Isigh.“IthoughtI’dsuccessfullyleftyoubehind.”
“Thepinkhairgaveyouaway.”
“Idon’tthinkIcandothis.”
“I’mfullyaware.”
“ThelongestI’verunsofaris…lessthan5K.”
“Youcanstartwalkinganytime.”Hishandpushesagainstmylowerback,wheremynewesttattooresides.JusttheoutlineofLevi’shouse,withtwolittlekittiesinside.“Giveitatry.”
“You’renotgoingtoslowdownyourpacetomatchmine,areyou?”
“OfcourseIam.”
Irollmyeyes.“Ialwaysknewyouhatedme.”Igrinupathim.Whenhesmilesback,myheartpicksup.
Iloveyou,Ithink.Andyouaremyhome
Someoneblowsonelongwhistle.Ilookahead,takeadeepbreath,andstartrunning.AUTHOR’SNOTE
Thisbookismyhatelettertostandardizedtesting.It’salsomylovelettertoneuroscience,StarWars,womeninSTEM,friendshipsthathitroughpatchesbutthentrytheirbesttobounceback,researchassistants,interdisciplinaryscientificcollaborations,ElleWoods,ShitAcademicsSay,mermaids,hummingbirdfeeders,peoplewhostrugglewithworkingout,andcats.Butlet’sfocusonthehatepart!
IrememberstudyingfortheGREabouttenyearsago,whenIwasapplyingforPh.D.programs,andconstantlyfeelinglikeIwasatotalidiot(whichIprobablyam,butforotherreasons).Ialsorememberbeingreallyangryandreallyfrustratedattheamountofmoney,time,andenergyIhadtopourintolearninghowtocalculatewhenexactlytwotrainsleavingfromdifferentstationswillmeet,especiallywhenIcouldhaveusedthattimetoreaduponsomethingthatwasactuallyrelevanttomyfield.(Ortosleep.Let’sbereal,Iwouldhaveprobablyjusttakenanap.)
Thisbookis,ofcourse,fictional,buteverythingKayleesaysabouttheGREistrue,andtestsliketheGREandtheSATsarenotonlyverysketchywhenitcomestopredictingfutureacademicperformance,buttheytraditionallyfavorpeoplewhocomefromeconomicallyadvantagedbackgrounds.Accesstohighereducationis,asarule,scarcerforthosewhoaren’ttraditionallyprivileged,andstandardizedtestingonlycontributestotheproblem.Butinthelastfewyearstherehasbeenashift,withmoreandmoreinstitutionsandgraduateprogramsnotrequiringthesetestsforadmission,andthat’safantasticstepintherightdirection.
ThankyouforcomingtomyTEDTalk,andremember:ifacademiaevermakesyoufeellikeyou’renotgoodorsmartenough…it’snotyou,it’sacademia.
Love,
AliACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Publishinghasveryweird,verylongtimelines,whichmeansthatI’mwritingtheacknowledgmentsformysecondbookinOctober2021,rightafterthepublicationofmyfirst,andmyheartisveryfull.EverygoodthingthathashappenedafterthereleaseofTheLoveHypothesisIowetomyteamatBerkley:SarahBlumenstock,thebesteditorinthemultiverse(wholetsmeaddsexscenestilltheverylastminute!);JessBrock,myfantasticpublicist;BridgetO’Toole,myincrediblemarketer;and,ofcourse,mymostbelovedagent,ThaoLe,whobroughtmetothem.Let’sbereal:publishingisterrifying.Buttheconstantsupport,hardwork,andtalentofthesefourwomenmadeitslightlylessso.Plus,throughthem,Igottoworkwiththebestpublisherintheworld.Basically:toeverysinglepersonatBerkleyandatSDLAwhohelpedwithmybooksinanycapacity,thankyou,thankyou,THANKYOU.I’msorryIalwaysturninstuffat11:58p.m.ondeadlinedays.I’msorryIaskthesamequestionsfortytimes.I’msorryIkeepabusingthecapslock.IswearI’mtryingtobebetter!!SpecialthankstoPenguinCreative(inparticularDanaMendelson)andtoLilith,thecoverartistofmywildestdreams.And,ofcourse,thankyoutoJessicaClare,ElizabethEverett,ChristinaLauren,andMarianaZapataforblurbingmyfirstbook(askingforblurbsispants-crappinglyscary,guys)andfortheconstantencouragement.
LoveontheBrainwouldn’tbewhatitiswithoutthefeedbackofthebrilliantClaire,JulieSoto,LindseyMerril,Kat,Stephanie,Jordan,and,ofcourse,SharonIbbotson,myveryfirsteditor.KateGoldbeck,SarahHawley,Celia,Rebecca,andVictoriawereamazingandletmeventtothemduringthewritingprocess.TheGrems,theEdgeChat,TM,theFamilyChat,andtheBerkleteshavebeencrucialtomysurvival,andIamforevergratefultohavetheseamazingpeopleinmylife.