Mika in Real Life

Dedication
ToYumiandKenzoforinspiringmetowritethisContents
Cover
TitlePage
Dedication
Contents
Interstitial
Interstitial
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
Interstitial
Interstitial
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
Interstitial
Interstitial
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
Interstitial
Interstitial
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
Interstitial
Interstitial
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
ChapterTwenty-Eight
ChapterTwenty-Nine
ChapterThirty
ChapterThirty-One
ChapterThirty-Two
ChapterThirty-Three
ChapterThirty-Four
ChapterThirty-Five
Interstitial
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
AlsobyEmikoJean
Copyright
AboutthePublisher
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Guide
Cover
Contents
InterstitialInterstitial
DearPenny,
Itrainedthedayyouwereborn.Outsidethematernityward,theskywasthecolorofliquidash,andtherewasasignthat
read:birthdaysareourspecialty.IfocusedonitasIlabored,asthenursesanddoctorclamoredaroundme.You’renearlythere,anurseexclaimed.

Itrembledandboredown,wantingittobeover.Ascreamtorefrommymouth.Ipushed.Thedoctorpulled.Andthereyouwere.
There.You.Were.Heldaloftinablisteringconeoflight.

Terriblesilenceensued,oneagonizingsecondstretchingintoeternity.Asifyouweredecidinghowyourentranceintothe
worldshouldbe.Finally,youwailed,sohigh-pitchedandpiercingeventhedoctorcommentedonit.Thisonehasalottosayalready,shesaid.Secretly,Iwaspleasedbythefuryinyourvoice.Thisbodedwellforyou,Ibelieved.Youwouldnotbeeasily
silenced.

Thedoctorcutthecord,andIreachedforyou.Foramoment,Iforgotyouwerenotminetokeep.Sheplacedyouinmyarms.
Imarveledatyourtinyhands,yoursablehair,yourbow-shapedmouth,yournosethatresembledabull’swhenyournostrils
flared.Mybodyhadapurpose,anditwasyou.Inthespanofasinglebreath,Iwasunmadeandmadeagain.

Whatfollowedwasablurofstitches,freshbedlinens,andbingeeating.Hanawasthere.Hadbeentheresincethebeginning.
AnursehadtakenonelookatHanaandme,atournineteen-year-oldfaces,athowterrifyinglyyoungwewere,andclucked
hertongue.Babieshavingbabies,she’dsaid.Itwaseasytotranslatehermeaning—dumbgirls,irresponsiblegirls,thosegirls.ShesawHanatreatingtheroomservicemenulikeherownpersonalvendingmachine,sawherpilferingkidney-shapeddishes,sawherliningherpocketswithpads.Butshedidn’tseeHanahelpingmeshowerafterI’dgrowndizzytryingtostand.Didn’tseemeweepinginthebathroom,mumblingI’msorryoverandoverasHanasoapedcirclesonmybody,cleanedundermyarms,andgentlybetweenmylegs.Andshedidn’tseethe
wayHanasmiledinresponselikeitwasnobigdeal
Mrs.Pearson,myadoptionagent,camearoundthetimewhenmyhairwasstilldrying.Sheproducedsomepaperworkfromher
bag.Ithadbeenprefilled.AllIhadtodowassign.Bellschimed,echoingdownthehospitalcorridor.Asongcalled“Breath
ofLife”thatplayedeverytimeababywasborn.RightasIreachedforthepen,Hanasqueezedmyhand.Areyousure?sheasked.

AllIcoulddowasnod.Breathe.Turningthepages,Iscribbledmyname.Iignoredthetinynoisesyoumadeinyoursleep.
Ignoredhowthewholeroomsmelledlikeantiseptic.Paidallmyattentiontotheneonpinkarrowmarkingwheremyfinalsignature
shouldgo.Aboveitwasawarninginboldletters.“Uponsurrender,theoriginalbirthcertificatewillbesealed,andanewbirthcertificatewillbeissued”—onewithyouradoptiveparents’names.

Isigned,erasingmyselffromyourlife.Itwasdone.
ThenIheldyouonelasttime.Unwrappingyourswaddle,Ikissedeachofyourtenfingers,yourtwocheeks,youronelittle
nose.Finally,Ipressedmypalmtoyourchest.Youwerewarm,andIfeltyoubrandme.I’msorry,Iwhispered,apologizingforwhatIwantedbutcouldnotkeep.Iheldyoucloseaminutelonger.ThenIletyougo.Ilet
Mrs.Pearsoncarryyouaway.

Icouldn’twatch.Instead,IbowedmyheadandclungtothememoryofthefirsttimeIsawyouonanultrasound—potbellied,handwavingaround,umbilicalcordfloating—alittlediver.Isawmyselfthenasoneofthosecalvesthatcircleinshallowwaterandkeepbeachingthemselves,failingoverandoveragain.Ididn’twantyoutoswiminvain.Iwantedyoutofindopenwater,todivedeep—yourlifetobeasingle,straight,perfectline.
Thedoorclosed,andIrememberthequietsnick,thesoundofyouslippingawayfromme.Whenyouweregone,thehospital
roomfeltsoempty;IthoughtImightdiefromloneliness.Someoneelsewouldwatchyousleep.Someoneelsewouldtouchyour
chestandmakesureyouwerebreathing.IcriedwithsuchwildabandonHanathoughtI’dtornmystitches.

That’sit.That’sall.Allthesemomentsliveinmestill.Youliveinmestill.Halfofmybreaths,aquarterofeachheartbeat,
areyours.Iguessthatiswhathappenswhenyouhavechildren—theytakeapieceofyou.

Ididn’tthinkaboutthefuturethatday.Ididn’tthinkabouttheCalvins,yournewmotherandfather,howwhitetheywere.
WhowouldteachyoutobeayellowbodyinAmerica?Ididn’tthinkaboutwhatImighttellyouifyoucametomeandasked
“Why,whoareyou,whoamI?”Ofcourse,IdreamedImightbeapartofyourlife,butinthesamewaysomeonewishesupon
astarorbuyslotterytickets.Ineverbelieveditactuallymighthappen.AndIneverbelievedwewouldbebackinthesame
hospital—yousixteenyearsold,methirty-five—orthatyou’dbeinthebedthistime,andIwouldbeapologizinganew.

I’msorry,Penny.Imessedup.Ihurtyou.
Ican’tpromiseIwillneverhurtyouagain.Thetruthis,thereisn’tmuchIcanpromiseyou.Still,still.WhatlittleIhaveisyours.Nomatterwhathappens.Ifyouforgivemeornot.IwantyoutoknowIwillalwaysbearound.
Likeanyparent,Iwillbehere,waitingformychildtocomehome.

MikaInterstitial
Sevenmonthsearlier…ChapterOne
Fired.
Mikablinked.“I’msorry,what?”sheaskedGreg,inhisshoeboxofanoffice.Infact,itwasn’treallyanoffice.Itwas
acubiclecarvedoutofthelargecopyroomatKennedy,Smith&McDougalLaw.ButGregwieldedthetinyspacelikeacorner
officeonthethirtiethfloor.He’devendecoratedit—abonsaitreeinthecornerofhisdesk,acheapsamuraiswordtacked
crookedlytothewall.Gregwaswhiteandaself-describedJapanophile.Onmorethanoneoccasion,he’dtriedtoconverse
withMikainJapanese,andshe’ddemurred—shewasfluent,shejustwasn’tfluentforhim.Soyeah,thatguy.

Gregleanedbackinhischair.“Thisshouldn’tcomeasasurprise,”hesaid,steeplinghisfingerstogetherandplacingthem
underhishairlesschin.“I’msureyou’veheardtherumors.”

Mikanoddedvacantly.Aseniorpartner,arainmaker,hadrecentlydepartedforanotherfirm.Profitsharesweredown.She
openedherhands.“ButImaketwentydollarsanhour.”Apittancecomparedtotheothersalariedemployees.Didthepowers
thatbethinklayingoffacopyassistantwouldmakeadentintheirfinancialwoes?

Gregwavedahand.“Igetit,”hesaid.“Butyouknowhowthesethingsgo,lastinthepeckingorder…”Hetrailedoff.
“Please.”Shehatedbegging,especiallytoGreg.“Ineedthisjob.”ShelikeditatKennedy,Smith&McDougal.Theworkwas
easy.Thepaywasgood.Enoughforhertomakerentandutilitieseverymonthwithalittleleftovertobuygroceries,mostly
ofthesoftcheesevariety.Plus,thebuildingwaslocatednearthemuseum.Shewentthereonherlunchbreak,lettingher
fooddigestwhilegazingatMonetsandstrollingthroughtheantiquitiessection,hersoulatrest.“WhataboutStephanie?”
She’dbeenhiredafterMika.

“Stephaniehasmoreparalegalexperiencethanyou.Thedecisioncamedowntowhowasabetterassetforthecompany.Look,
I’msureyou’llfindsomethingelse.Unfortunately,youwon’tqualifyforseverancesinceyou’vebeenhereforlessthana
year,butI’llgiveyouagreatrecommendation.”Gregstartedtostand.Endofdiscussion.

“I’lltakeapaycut,”Mikablurted.Hergazelandedonthefloor,nearwhereherpridewas.Shecouldn’thandleit.Tears
threatenedtospill.Thirty-fiveandfiredfromanotherjob.Again.

Gregshookhishead.“I’msorry,Mika.It’snouse.Todayisyourlastday.”
***
Thefaintscentofstalepopcorn.Theemotionallyhealingcandlesonclearance.Whatwasitaboutthisparticularstorethat
suckedMikain?Shestoodinthehomesection,examiningapillowembroideredwiththesayingmoneycanbuyahouse,butnotahome.Onthephone,Hanalaughed.“So,letmegetthisstraight.Heaskedyououtatthesametimehewasfiringyou?”

“Directlyafter,”Mikacorrected.Greghadescortedhertoherdesk,watchedwhileshepackedupherstuff,andthenaskedifshe’dliketoseeamovielaterormaybeattendtheCherryBlossomFestivalattheuniversitynextweekend.The
angryhumiliationrandeep.

Hanasnortedanotherlaugh.
Mika’smouthquirkedintoasmile.“Pleasedon’t.I’minaveryvulnerableplacerightnow.”
“You’reinaTarget,”Hanapointedout.
Mikatiltedherhead,contemplatingthepillow.Itwasdesignedbyacouplewhohadbecomefilthyrichmakingnewhouseslook
old.Itwasallabouttheshiplap.Thepillowcouldbehersfor$29.99.“IneverthoughtI’dbelaidoffandsexuallyharassedallinthesameday.It’sanewfirst.”Mikabypassedthepillowandwentontothewinesection.Herpocketbook
waslighter,butafive-dollarbottleofwinewasanecessity.

Hanamadeasympatheticnoise.“Itcouldbeworse.Rememberthetimeyouwerefiredfromthatdonutshopforkeepingabox
ofmaplebarsinthefreezerandeatingthembetweenfillingorders?”

“Thatwasincollege.”Mikatuckedthephonebetweenherearandshoulder.Finishedchoosingwine,shewasinthefoodaisle
now,fillingherbasketwithCheez-Its.Classalltheway.

“OrthatnannyjobforshowingthekidsTheShining?”

“Theysaidtheywantedaghoststory,”shedefended.
“HowaboutwhenyouwroteX-ratedPredatorfanfiction,thenleftitopenonyourworkcomputer?”

Confusionrippledacrossherface.“Thatneverhappened.”Hanalaughedagain.Mikarubbedherforehead,feelingasifshe’d
fallenfromanunluckytree,hittingeverybranchonthewaydown,thenlandinginapitofsnakesandbears.“WhatamIgoing
todo?”

“Idon’tknow.Butyou’reingoodcompany.IfoundoutthismorningPearlJamchoseGarrettfortheirsummertour.”Hanawas
anASLinterpreterforbands,andGarrett,havingrecentlycrossedoverfromtheChristianalt-rockcircuit,hadedgedinto
Hana’sterritory.“I’mprobablygoingtohavetodoabunchofEarth,Wind&Firegigsnow.FuckingGarrett.Comehome.We’ll
eatanddrinkourfeelingstogether.”

“Willdo.”Mikahungupanddroppedherphoneinherpurse.Aminutepassed.Mikawandered.Herphonerang.MightbeHana
again.Orhermother—Hiromihadalreadyleftamessagethatmorning.Ijuststoppedbythechurchandmetthenewcongregant.HisnameisHayato,andheworksforNike.Igavehimyournumber.
Herphonerangagain.SometimesHiromicalledtwo,threetimesinarow,inducingpanic.LasttimeMikaansweredbreathless,
reachingforherkeys,readytoheadtothehospital.What’sthematter?
Hiromireplied,Nothing.Whydoyousoundsowinded?IwantedtotellyouFredMeyerishavingasaleonchicken…
Mikalistened,temperrising.Youcan’tcallsomanytimes.Ithoughtsomethingwaswrong,shesaid.

TowhichHiromiscoffed,I’msorryI’mnotmoredeadforyou.Theringingcontinued.Mikafishedthephonefromherpurseandpeeredatthescreen.Ablockednumber.
Curious,sheswipedtoanswer.“Hello?”shesaid,browsknittingtogether.Shit,shethoughttoolate.Itcouldbethenewcongregant,Hayato.Quickly,shecycledthroughpossibleexcuses.Myphoneisdying.I’mdying.
“Oh,wow!Youpickedup!Iwasn’tsureifyouwould!”ahyper-positiveyoungvoicesaid.Theconnectionbecamemuffled,as
thoughahandhadbeenplacedoverthephone’sspeaker.“Shepickedup.WhatdoIdo?”thevoicesaidtosomeoneinthebackground.

“Hello?”Mikaspokelouder.
“Sorry,myfriendSophieishere.Youknow,formoralsupport?IsthisMikaSuzuki?”
“Itis.”Mikasetthebasketdownatherfeet.“Whoisthis?”
“ThisisPenny.PenelopeCalvin.IthinkI’myourdaughter.”
***
Mikamanagedtokeepaholdonthephoneevenasherlimbswentcompletelyslack.Evenasthebloodracedinherveinsandhervisionblurred,thentunneled.Evenasshehurdledbackintime,backtothehospital,toPennyasanewborn.Thedayreturnedinheart-stoppingflashes.HoldingPennyinthecrookofherarm.Kissingherbrow.Slickingherhairawaytoplaceathinblue-and-pink-stripedcaponherhead.Allsounbearableandbeautiful.
“Areyoustillthere?”Pennyasked.“IsthistherightMikaSuzuki?Ipaidforoneofthoseonlinesearchfinderthingies.
Iusedmydad’screditcardforafreetrial.He’llkillmeifhefindsout!Butnoworries,I’llcancelbeforetheycharge.”

Silencethen.PennywaswaitingforMikatosaysomething.Sheclosedhereyes,openedthem.“That’sveryclever,”shemurmured,
trembling.Sit.Sheneededtositdown.Shestumbledbackintoaplasticoutdoorchair,grippingthearmresttoregainher
balance,herknucklesturningwhite.Howhadshewoundupinthegardensection?

“Iknow,right?Mydadalwayssays:‘Ifonlyyou’duseyourpowersforgood!’”Pennyloweredhervoiceanoctave,impersonating
herfather.Mikaalmostsmiled.Almost.“So,isthistherightMikaSuzuki?Therearen’tverymanyinOregon.Theonlyothertwocandidateswereolder.Imean,I
guesstheycouldbemybiomom.Therewas,like,thatladywhogavebirthtotwinsattheageoffifty?ButIwasprettysure
itwasyou…Areyouthere?”

Mikawassweating,thephoneslipperyagainstherear.Shebreathedinandout.Inandout.“I’mhere.”
“AndareyouMikaSuzuki?Didyougiveababyupforadoptionsixteenyearsago?”
Athrobsettledinhertemples.“Iam.Idid,”Mikasaid,herthroatdry.Secretly,she’ddreamedofthismoment.Theday
shemighthearherdaughter’svoice.Talktoher.Sometimesthefantasyborderedondelusional.Overtheyears,shethoughtshe’dseenPennyacoupleoftimes.Whichwasridiculous.SheknewPennylivedintheMidwest.Butthenshe’dspotadark-headedlittlegirlwithbluntbangs,andMika’sbodywouldswellwithcertainty.She’dfeelaninvisibletugThat’smydaughter,she’dthink,onlytodeflatewhenthegirlturnedaround,andthenosewaswrong,ortheeyesweregreen,notadeepbrown.
NotPenny.Animposter.
Mikareleasedthelawnchairfromherdeathgrip,herlegswobblyasshestood.Shebegantowandertheaisles.Sheneeded
tomove.Ithelpedtogroundher,tokeepherinthepresent.Helpedtoexorcisethestormofemotionsbrewing.

“Thisisawesome!”Pennysquealed.
“Ican’tbelieveyoufoundme,”Mikasaid,stilljustsostunned.Shepassedadisplayofpurple-bottledmagnesiumtablets.
“Itwasn’thard.Yournameissuperuniqueandcool.IwishIhadaJapanesename,”sighedPennywistfully.
“Oh.”Mikafrowned,notknowingwhattosay.She’dchosenPenny’sname.Hadmadeabigdealaboutit,insisteditbepart
ofthelegalagreement.Youcanhavemydaughter,butyoucannothavehername.WhileMrs.Pearsonhadtriedhardtomaketheadoptionfeellesstransactional,certainpartscouldn’tbehelped.There
werelawyers.Negotiations.Ironcladpaperworkthatleanedslightlyintheadoptivefamily’sfavor.Butthename…the
namewasMika’s.Atfirst,she’dconsideredHolly—aplantthatbloomsinwinter.ItwastraditionalinJapantoselectamoniker
basedonyourhopesforthechild.Mika’snameinkanjitranslatedto“beautifulfragrance.”IttoldMikamuchabouthervalue
tohermother.Asanaccessory.Assomethingmeanttoattract.Shedidn’twantthatforherchild.Soultimately,Mikasettled
onPenelope,meaning“weaver,”fromHomer’sOdyssey.Itwasastrong,resilient,andaspirationalname;itfitthelifeMikawantedforherdaughter.Thepersonshethoughtshemightbe.Thefamilyshemightbelongto.
ShehadalsohopedamoreAmerican-soundingnamewouldeasePenny’swayinlife.Mikahadyearsofmispronunciationsandmisspellings
underherbelt.She’dbeencalledMickeymoretimesthanshecouldcount.She’dwantedPennytoblendin.Butitdidn’tseem
therighttimetosayallthis.Instead,shesaid,“Iwassorrytohearaboutyourmom.”WhenMrs.PearsonhadinformedMika
fiveyearsagothatCarolineCalvinhadcancerandwasdying,she’dbeggedtobeputintouchwithPenny,sworeshecould
feelherdaughter’sgriefpressingagainstherskinlikeahotiron.

Sheneedsme,Mikahadsaid.

I’lltry,Mrs.Pearsonhadreplied.ThenThomasCalvindeniedtherequest.I’msorry,Mika,Mrs.Pearsonsaid,Carolinedoesn’thavemuchtime.Cancer.Stagefour.Verysudden.Hewantsittobethethreeofthemtheselastfewdays
“Yeah.”Penny’svoicedimmed.“Thatwasabadtime.Wejustcameuponthefifthanniversary.Ikindofcan’tbelieveit’s
beensolong.”

Quietfellonthelineagain.Mikakeptwalking.Destinationunknown.Herentirebodywasinanuproar.Shepassedtheaisle
ofpregnancytests.Nearlyseventeenyearsago,she’dpickedthroughHana’scartofindenoughmoneytobuyatestatthe
dollarstore,thenpeedonthestickinthebathroomofagrocerystorenearby
Mikarealizedshe’dgonesilentfortoolong.“Shewrotemeletters,yourmom,andsentmepackageswithpicturesofyou,drawingsyoumade.Shehadnicehandwriting,”sheblurted.Mikadidn’tknowmuchaboutthecouplewhoadoptedPenny.She’dchosenthemfromdozensofscrapbookfamilyprofiles.SheusedtostareatthephotographsofPenny’sfutureparents.AtThomas,acopyrightattorney,picturedincollegeonhisrowingteam.Shewouldfocusonhishandswrappedaroundtheoars,atthescowlydentbetweenhisgreeneyes.Heisstrong,Mikarememberedthinking.He’dstandupforPenny.Thenshe’dpeeratCaroline,alsoincollegewearingasweatshirtwith
Greekletters,hersmilewide.ItwaseasytoimaginehersmilingthesamewayatPenny,sayingwonderfulthingslikeI’mproudofyou.I’msohappyyou’remine.I’drunblindthroughthedarkforyou
“Shedidhavenicehandwriting.Itwasperfect,”Pennysaidwarmly.Itdidn’tsurpriseMika.Carolineseemedperfectinall
aspectsofherlife.“Mineissosloppy.Ialwayswonderedifthatwassomethinggenetic?”

Mikadidn’tthinkitwas.ButshelongedforaconnectiontoPenny,anywaytobindthemtogether.“Myhandwritingisterrible
too.”

“Itis?”AnoteofhopeinPenny’svoice.
Mikaslowed.Calmedalittle.“Iliketothinkofitasmyownfont.It’dbecalled‘toomuchcoffeeanddonuts.’”
Pennylaughed.Itwasapleasantsound,full-bodiedandearnest.Herdaughter.“Or‘cleanupyourmess.’”

Finally,Mikapausedinthedetergentaisle.Noonewasinit.Sheleanedback,inhaledthescentofcleanlaundry.She’d
thoughtintimethememoryofPenny,whathappenedbefore,mightfade,butitonlygrewsharperagainsttheblurred,less
importantmemoriesofherrecentpast.Graduatingcollege,herfirstpayingjob,evensomeofthepregnancy—theever-ticking
clockhadwornsmoothallthoseroughedges.ButPenny,thebaby,Mika’sbaby,hadstayed,ahandcastinconcrete.Shewishedsheknewthenwhatsheknewnow.ThateverydayshewouldwakeandthinkofPenny.Ofhowoldshewas.Whatshemightbewearing.Whomshemightbesmilingat.Thatherlovewouldbeteethandnails,unwillingtoletgo.
“Areyouokay?”Amotherwithtwokidsroundedthecorner.
Mikajoltedupright.“Fine.I’mfine.”Oneofthechildrenhadchocolatealloverhisface.Helickedaslowcirclearound
hislips.ThemomwaiteduntilMikagotmovingbeforemovingonherself.

“Issomeoneelsewithyou?”Pennyasked.
“No.I’mshopping.I’minaTarget,”Mikasaidbeforeshecouldthinkbetterofit.Shewantedtopunchherselfintheface.
Hard.WhatwouldPennythink?AgrownwomaninaTargetonaWednesdayafternoon.WouldshewonderwhyMikawasn’tatwork?

Pennyswore.“I’msorry.Ishould’veaskedifnowwasagoodtimetotalk.Ishouldletyougo.”
Mikadidn’tlikethesoundofthat.Thethreatofthistinytenuousstringbeingcutagain.CouldPennyfeelittoo?This
flowofbliss-likeenergybetweenthem.“No.It’sokay.”

“Ishouldgoanyway.Mydadwillbehomesoon.”
No.Keeptalking.I’dlistentoyoureadWarandPeaceShestifledthesuddenurgetocry.“Ofcourse.Itwasnicespeakingwithyou.”Mikasteppedoutofthestore.Theskywas
gray—endofwinterinPortland.Acoupleofcrowspickedattrashintheparkinglot.Sheblinkedand,ontheinsideofher
eyelids,sawanothersetofcrows.Fromalongtimeago,fightingoveradiscardedwatermeloncontainer.Shepushedthememory
away.“Ifyoueverneedanything.IfIcaneverdoanything…”

“Actually.”Pennyexhaledaudibly.“I’dliketokeeptalking.I’dliketocallyouagain.MaybeevenSkype?Itwouldbenice
toseeeachotherface-to-face.”

“Oh,”Mikasaid,toostunnedtobreathe,tooflusteredwithdisbelief.Pennywantedher.Pennywantedher.AndMikawaspiercedwithsuchanacutelongingshefearedshemightcrumble.Soshespokeonimpulse,onragingdesire,and
answered,“Yes,ofcourse.I’dlikethat.”
ChapterTwo
Mikadrovehomeinafuguestate.Shedidn’trememberplacingherkeyintheignition,startingthecar,leavingthelot,
thestreetlights,blinkers,turns,orparkingalongthecurb.Oncethere,shesatinthedriver’sseat,engineoff.Rainspattered
thewindshield.“Penny,”shewhisperedintothequiet.Sayingherdaughter’snamefeltlikeaprayer,likeasecret,like
abellringing,callingherhometodinner.“Penny,Penny,Penny,”shesaidoverandoveragain.Hermouthliftedatthecorners
intoafullsmileasshesteppedfromhercar.

Weedsandvariousthornyplantspeekedthroughachippedandpeelingwhitefence.Thewalkwaywasnarrowlyvisible.Thehouse
wasacottage.Oneofitsshuttershungonitsside,asinglenailholdingitinplace.Eyesorewasagenerousterm.Mikaunlockedthedoorandpushed…only…somethingblockedit.Aftermuchgrunting,shetumbled
through,shovingboxesoutoftheway.

Irritationchippedawayatjoy.“Wow.Didyouwakeupthismorningandsay:‘Today’sthedayI’mgoingtotakethishoarding
shittothenextlevelandbarricademyselfuntiltheyfindmyskeletontwentyyearsfromnow’?”MikahuffedouttoHana.

Hanakepthereyestrainedonthetelevision,ahalf-eatencakeinherlap.“Soweird.That’sexactlywhatIsaidtomyself.You’relate.”Hanashoveledabiteofcakeintohermouth.“Istartedwithoutyou.Also,I’vebeenbrainstorming.Ithinkweshouldgetadogandteachitthat‘shit’means‘Garrett.’Like,insteadofsaying‘takeashit,’wesay‘takeaGarrett.’ThenI’llfilmitandsendittohim.”Sheglancedup.“Where’sthewine?”
“Nodog.Nofilm.NosendingtoGarrett.AndIforgotthewine.”Mikaskirtedaroundunopenedboxesanddeadplants,then
pushedastackofmagazinesoffachairtositinit.Forawhile,Hanahadkepthercompulsivecollectinghabitsundercontrol.
She’dboughtthehousewithhergirlfriend,Nicole.They’dbeenhappy,fillingitwithgaragesaleandfleamarketfinds.
They’devenadoptedapuppy.ThenNicolecheated.Hanagotthehouse.Nicolegottheirgoldenretriever.Mika,freshoffa
breakupfromLeifandshortoncash,hadofferedtomoveinwithHana.Together,they’ddrownedtheirbrokenheartsinwine
andexpensivetakeoutandagreedtheirfriendshipwasmuchbetterthanthatwitheitheroftheirpreviouslovers.Theyunderstood
eachothermore.Mikadidn’tmindthatHanatreatedonlineshoppinglikeherpatrioticduty.Hanadidn’tmindMika’slousy
trackrecordofemployment.Nobodywasperfect.Embracingeachother’sfaultswasthebedrockuponwhichtheirfriendship
wasbuilt.

So,itdidn’tfazeMikaseeingHanaonthecouch,bitchingaboutacoworkerandwatching…“Monster?AreyouseriouslywatchingMonster?Amovieaboutserial-killinglesbians?”MikafoundtheremotebetweencansofRedBullandMountainDew.Sheclickedoff
thetelevision.

“Hey,”Hanasaid.
“There’salottounpackhere.”Mikausedherhandtocircletheroom,encompassingthewholehoarding,cake-eating,Monster-watchingsituationingeneral.“AndIdon’thavethetime.Ineedtotellyousomething.”

Hanasatupandputthecakedown.“I’mintrigued.”TherewasatinybitoffrostingonhercroppedrollerderbyT-shirt.
“Pennycalled.”
“Ha!”Hanabarkedoutalaugh.ThenatMika’sface,shesaid,“Holyshit.You’reserious.”
Mikacouldonlynod.Herstomachflipped,thinkingaboutit.Shehasnew-babysmell,HanahadpurredinthehospitalassheheldnewbornPenny,rubbinghercheekagainsthers.

Hanasatback.“Whoa.Heavy.”
“You’retellingme.”Mikaopenedhermouth,butherphonebeeped—anincomingtext.Pennyagain?
“Isither?”Hanaleanedforward,readingMika’smind.
Mikaglanceddown.“No,it’sCharlie.”Shecheckedthemessage.“She’sthinkingofbuyingTuan”—Charlie’shusband—“alife-size
Legoportrait.”

Hanarolledhereyes.“Ignoreher.How’dPennyfindyou?”Hanareachedforawoodenboxonthecoffeetableandflippedit
open.Insidewasatinyplasticbaggiefullofweedandsomepapers.Shesettorollingajointbetweenherlongfingers.

Mikashrugged.“It’stheinternet,Pennyexplained,youcanfindanyonethesedays.”Butthenagain…howhadPennyfound
her?Mikahadchosenaclosedadoption:heridentitywaskeptprivate,andshereceivedannualupdatesinexchange.Anymore
wouldhavebeentoopainful.She’doptedforscrapsknowingshe’dgorgeherselfotherwise.Sheguesseditdidn’tmatterwhether
ThomasCalvintoldPennyMika’snameorifPennyhadstumbledupontheinformationsnoopingthroughherparents’things.What
matteredwasthehereandnow.ThatPennyhadcalledMika.ThatPennywantedtoknowMika.

“True.”Hanalickedthepaperandsealedthejoint.Outofanyone,Mika’sbestfriendwouldknowhoweasyitwastofindpeopleonline.Afewyearsago,shehadtrackeddownherformerelementaryschoolteacher—theonewhohadcalledthecolorofherskin“half-and-half,”likecoffeecreamer.HanawaspartBlack,aquarterVietnamese,andaquarterwhite—HungarianandIrish.Shetrolledthewomanintoquittingsocialmedia.
Hanalitthejoint,tookadrag,andofferedittoMika.“What’sshelike?”
Mikapinchedthejointbetweenherfingersandeyedtheceiling.Therewasacrackrunningthroughitthattraileddown,splitting
thewall.Shewasprettysuretheyhadfoundationtroubles.“Idon’tknow.Theconversationwasshort.She’syoung,hopeful,
positive.”Aforceofnature.“Sheusedherdad’screditcardtosignupforafreetrialtofindpeople.”MikaaimedalopsidedsmileatHanaandput
thejointtoherlips.“Shewasgoingtocancelitbeforehefoundout.”MikapassedthejointbacktoHana.

“Remindsmeofus.”Hanasmiledandtookadrag.“So,”shesaid,exhaling,“whatdidshewant?”
Mikachewedherbottomlip.Herbedroomdoorwasopen.Thebedwasarumpledmess,thecomforterpusheddowntotheend.No
pointinmakingitifshewasgoingtoslipbackbetweenthesheetsafewhourslater.OnthefloorwasherfavoriteT-shirt
featuringaGudetama—acartoonbythemakersofHelloKitty.Whatlookedlikeayellowblobwasalazyegg.“Shewantsto
gettoknowme.”Herwheelsstartedtoturn.Shetookgreaterstockofhersurroundings,herlife,herself,andinstantly
regrettedit.

WhatcouldsheofferPenny?Whathadsheaccomplished?Herlovelifewasanemic.Ahandfulofboyfriends,oneseriousrelationshipwithLeifthatendedinagarbagefire.Andherworklifejustasthin.Aseriesofunfulfillingjobs.Allofthemplaceholders.Shehadthoughtofherselfasastoneskippingovermurkywater.Timepassingwithoutconsequence,withoutthinking,stayingthesame,gettingfartherandfartherfromtheshore.Butapebbleneverreachestheotherside.Eventually,itsinks.WhendidIsink?Mika’sstomachbottomedout.“Isaidwecouldtalkagain,butnow…Idon’tknow.”Shefeltasinadequateasthatday
inthehospital.

“Elaborate.”Hanastampedoutthejoint.
Mikatorehergazefromthehouseandfocusedonherlap.WhatwerethestakesofconnectingwithPenny?“Shemighthateme.
Imighthateher,”Mikathoughtoutloud.AlthoughMikacouldn’tseeherselfeverhatingPenny.Pennycouldmurdersomeone,
andMikawouldbringherashoveltoburythebody.She’dalwaysgivePennythebenefitofthedoubt.Believeher.“I’msureshehasquestions.Lotsofquestions.Sheseems…persistent.Shemightwanttoknowaboutherbiological
father.ShewishesshehadaJapanesename.”

Hanainhaled.Shescooteddownthecouch,closertoMika.“Nodoubtshe’scurious.Weallwanttoknowwherewecomefrom.
Butshe’snotentitledtothatinformationuntilyou’reready.”

Underpenaltyoflaw,Mikahadsignedaformattestingshedidnotknowanythingaboutherbaby’sbiologicalfather,such
ashisageorlocation,orthathehadabirthmarkshapedlikethestateofMaineonhischest.“Whatifshe’sangrywith
me?”sheaskedinaslightvoice.

Hanainhaled.“CanIgiveyousomeunsolicitedadvice?”
“Neverstoppedyoubefore.”
“WhenNicolecheated,Charliesatmedownandsaid:‘Thereisstrengthinleavingandstrengthinstaying.’”Hanaflickedsomeashfromherknee.“I’mprettysureshegotitfromoneofthoseself-helpgurus.”
Mikafrowned.“I’mnotfollowing.”
“WhatImeanistherewouldhavebeenstrengthinyoukeepingPenny,buttherewasalsostrengthinrelinquishingher.And
ifPennyisassmartassheseemstobe,shewon’tcarewhatyou’vedone;she’llcareaboutwhoyouare.”

“AndwhoamI?”Mikaaskeditlikeadare.Shethoughtaboutherunimpressiveliferésumé.Unemploymententhusiast.Weedsmoker.
Biologicalmom.

Hanatickedoffalistonherfingers.“Firstthing,you’reloyal.Secondthing,you’recompassionate.Thirdthing,youhave
abeautifulheart.Fourththing,youareanamazingartistwhoknowsallsortsofthingsaboutart,especiallyreallyuninteresting
thingslikewhichcaveshavepaintingsofcavemendongs.Fifththing—”

“That’sgood.”Mikaheldupherhands,cuttingHanaoff.“I’mnotexactlyemotionallypreparedforthis.”Hanaknewhowmessy
thiscouldget.EachyeararoundPenny’sbirthday,apackagearrived.MikawouldreadtheletterfromCarolineorThomas,
stareatthephotographsofPennywithherhappyfamily,rubherthumbsoverPenny’scrayondrawings,thenspreaditallaround
herinasuffocatinghug.Mikawouldstayinbedallday.Hanawouldstaytoo.ShewouldcrawlinbehindMika,wordlessly
wrapherarmsaroundherinamourningcocoon.Togethertheycried.MikaforPenny.AndHanaforMika.

“Areweeverprepared?That’sthewholepointofemotions.Theleastyouexpectthem,themoreintensetheyare.That’sthe
beautyoffeeling.”

“That’sdumb.”Mikalayherheadbackagainstthechair.Thewholesituationwasoverwhelmingineveryway.ButHanawasthere.Hadalwaysbeenthere.“Loveyourface,”shesaidtoherbestfriend.Thethreewordshadbeentheirmantrasincemeetingasfreshmenatthesamealternativehighschool,thekindofplacewherestudentsareputwhenfolksdon’texpecttoomuchofthem.MikahadtakenonelookatHanaandsensedakindredspirit.Bothofthem,waywardbranchesgrowingfromtheirfamilytrees.
“Loveyourfacetoo.”
Mikafeltaroundthecushionforherphone.Rightbeforehangingup,PennyhadgivenMikahernumber.Now,shemessagedher.
Excitedtovideochat.Whattimeworksforyou?
There,done.Sheplacedherphoneawayfromherself.Drummedherfingersagainstherthighs.Itwillbeokay.Sheflashedagaintothehospital.ToseeingPennyforthefirsttimecradledinthedoctor’shands.Yes,itwouldbeokay.
Howcoulditnot?PennyandMikahadbeenalovestoryfromthebeginning.
ChapterThree
Aweeklater,Mikaattendedchurch.Withherparents.Squishedintothecornerofthepew,Mikasnuckaglanceathermother.
HiromiSuzukistaredstraightahead.Herblackbuttoneyesfocusedonthepulpit.Herfacewassmallwithdelicatefeatures
andamouththatfrownedmorethanitsmiled.Athome,shehadaclosetfullofvelourtracksuits.Today,sheworeeggplant.
Itcomplementedhershortdarkhairpermedintohalf-domestocurlawayfromherhead,likethequeenofEngland’s.Nextto
Hiromi,Mika’sfather,Shige,snoozed
Thesermoncontinued,somethingaboutfriendship,andMikareachedforherphone,poppingopenherInstagramprofile.Itfeatured
exactlyfivephotos.HertoesinthesandfromatripshetooktoPuertoRicowithLeif,rightbeforetheybrokeup.Another
ofherandLeifonthesametripdressedupfortheevening.Hana’sbackyardaftershe’dfirstmovedin—they’dstrungfairy
lightsallaroundanddrunkmargaritaswithtop-shelftequila.AbridesmaidphotofromCharlie’swedding.Andaphotograph
ofabeetandgoatcheesesalad.Thatwasall.Pennyhadlikedallofthem.They’dscheduledacallfortomorrow,theirfirst
Skypemeeting.Sheclickedoutofherprofileandontothemagnifyingglass—theexploretab.

Herscreenpopulatedwithposts,thealgorithmproducingcontentforherbasedonpreviousclicksandsearches.Therewerealotofwomenwithsymmetricalfaceswhomatchedtheperfectbeigehousestheylivedin.Anadtocelebrateanewfederalholidaybypurchasingcommemorativetoiletpaper.AcelebritywhomHiromilovedbecauseshedidn’thaveananny.Howimpressive.
Inthesearchline,sheenteredthewordadoption.Thescreenrepopulated.Mostlywithadoptivemomsdescribingtheirjourney.He’sfinallyhome.Mateo(we’vebeencallinghimMatty!)issixweeksoldandhasneverbeenheld.Toreacclimatehim,I’ve
beenwearinghimintheRingSling(notapaidsponsorship)asmuchaspossible.Mybackistired,andI’mtiredingeneral—Mateo
hasbeenwakingupeverytwohours.Anyothermamasouttherefeelingalittleoverwhelmedtoday?Peoplehadcommentedwith:Youcandothis!Yougotit!Trythissmoothierecipeforanextraenergyboost.Mikafrownedatthetwistinhergut.NobodysaidIt’sokaytostop.It’sokaytoadmityoucan’t.Thisisbeyondyou.Therewassomuchemphasisplacedonwomendoingeverythingontheirown.Tokeepgoingeveniftheyweretired,poor,hanging
onbyathread.Shepeeredatthepictureagainofthewomanholdinghernewlyadoptedson.Smilinglikeahero.Isthiswhat
ThomasandCarolinethought,thatthey’drescuedPenny?

AhandsnakedbehindMika’sarmandpinchedthethin-skinnedunderside.“Payattention,”saidhermotherinthesametone
sheusedwhensendingMikatoherroominelementaryschool.

“Ow,”Mikahissed,rubbingherarmandglaringathermother.Andthiswasbetterherethanvisitingthemathome.
Atthethoughtofherchildhoodhouse,Mika’sanxietystretchedandpreparedforasprint.Thehouseitselfwasn’tparticularlyintimidating.A1970sbungalowwithallitsoriginalcharm—pukegreenshagcarpet,yellowglobelights,andpaneledden.Ontheoutside,itwassimilartoalltheotherhomesontheblock,thearchitectureunremarkable—definitelynotworthyofanyarthistorytextbook.Butontheinside,therewerealltheclassicalJapanesetouches:soysaucepacketsandplasticsilverwareshovedintodrawers,slippersneatlyalignedbythefrontdoor,adryinglineinthebackyard,asprinkleofpistachioshellsherdadlikedtoeatwhilewatchingNHKorJapanesebaseball,theHanshinTigers,hisfavoriteteam.
Despitetheclutter,theincensesmell,andthedateddécor,thedriveforperfectionpersistedwithinitswalls.Itwasin
thedustykimonoMikarefusedtowearaftershequitodori.IntheemptyframeswhereMika’sIvyLeaguedegreeandwedding
photosshouldhavegone.InthepotsandpansMikahadneverlearnedtocookwith.

BythefifthmonthofMika’spregnancy,shehadstartedtoshow.Shecouldn’thideitanylonger,didn’twantto.Sheand
Hiromiwerecleaningthelime-green-tiledkitchenwhenMikablurtedoutthetruth.I’mpregnant.Mika’sfatherwaswatchingtelevisioninthenextroom.Allthedoorsinthehallwaywereneatlyclosed—youonlysawwhat
Hiromiwantedyoutosee.Hiromistoppedwipingdownthecounters.Foronesinglemoment,shestayedstill.Unabletocomprehend
thisnewreality.Didyouhearme?IsaidI’mpregnant.AgainsttheinsideofMika’sbelly,Pennymoved—agentleflutterlikewings.Thequickening,theob-gynatthefreehealth
cliniconcampushadtoldher.

Hiromiblinkedonce.Straightened.Who’sthefather?sheaskedcoolly.

Thehousesmelledofsukiyaki—boiledbeefandvegetableinmirin,soysauce,andsugar.Theyalwaysatethetraditionalhotpotmealwhentheweatherturnedcold.Thatnight,snowwasforecast.It’sagirl,Mikasaid.

Hiromiwrungoutthespongeinthesink.Girlsaredifficult.“Youaredifficult,”Hiromimeant.Someonelaughedonthetelevision.

I’mgivingherupforadoption.Thestatementwasspontaneous.Mikahadn’tdecidedanything.Shewasstillprocessingthepregnancy,apendulumswinging
betweendisbeliefandstarkfear.Whathadshebeenexpectinghermothertosay?Toolate,MikarealizedshewantedHiromi
totellhertokeepthebaby.Topromisetohelpraisethebundleofcells.ButMikashouldhaveknown.Hiromi’ssupportalways
cameatahighprice,andMikahadneverquitefiguredouthowtoaffordit.Still,Mikacouldn’thelpcomingtohermother,
offeringherbrokenneedonaplatter,hopingformore,forbetter,forhermothertochange—tohealMika.Thewordadoptionwasmentionedasakindofdare.

Hiromiturnedonthefaucettoflushfoodscrapsdownthedrain.Hotwaterscaldedherhandsred,andsteamdampenedthehollow
ofherthroat.That’sprobablybest.Whatdoyouknowaboutraisingababy?Anotherwayinwhichshe’dfailedhermother.HiromihadtriedtoteachMikahowtobeagoodhousewife,howtocook,how
tohostandbeahousekeeper.Allinpreparationforthedayshe’dhaveherownpartnerandchild.ButHiromihadnevertaught
Mikaaboutbirthcontrolorsexorloveorwhattodoifyoufoundyourselfsuddenlypregnant.Becausethatwasanundesirable
outcome.Andyoudidnottalkofthatwhichyoudidnotwanttohappen.

Inthekitchen,Mikawasstunnedforamoment.Disappointmentsuffocatedherlikeaclotofovercookedriceinherthroat.
That’sit?That’sallyouwanttosaytome?
Hiromi’seyessnappedtoMika’s,thenrovedoverMika’sstomach.HerexpressionthesameaswhenMikacamehomewithsecondhandclothingfromathriftstoreinhighschool.Thathadbeenthestylethen—rippedjeans,flannels,croptees.Whatwilltheladiesatchurchthink?Hiromihadsaid,focusingonMika’sbaremidriff.

Whatelsedoyouwantmetosay?I’lltellyourfatheraboutit.“It.”That’showHiromireferredtoPenny.SheturnedawayfromMika,herfingerscurledin.Doyouwantleftoverstotakebacktothedorm?
Mikacuppedherbelly.No.No,thanks
Shedidn’tseeherparentsuntilafterPennywasborn,aftershe’dflunkedpartofherfreshmanandsophomoreyears.Itbecameanunspeakablething,containedbehindoneofthecloseddoorsinHiromi’shome.

Now,Mikasettledbackinthepew.Outsidethestained-glasswindows,arainbowandBLMflagflappedinthewind—Hiromiand
Shigetoleratedthechurch’sprogressiveviewsandattendedserviceseverySunday.Mikawasn’tevensuretheybelievedin
aChristianGod.StatuesoftheBuddhaandlittlealtars,butsudan,coveredtheirhome.Theycametodrinkocha,tomingle
withtheninety-ninepercentJapanesecongregation,andtofindMikadates.

“We’relookingforsomeonetomaintainoursocialmediaaccounts,”PastorBarbaraannouncedfromthepulpit.“Keepthemupdated
withallthegoings-on.”WhitebutfluentinJapanese,PastorBarbarawasastoutwomanwithagentlevoice.Shelikedto
holdbothyourhandswhileshespoketoyou.BehindherwasaspeciallycommissionedAsianJesus—thewoodworkerusedonly
fallenlogsfoundonnon-triballandandplasticpiecesharvestedfromthefloatinggarbagepatchinthePacificOcean.

ReallyMika’smothershouldbetheoneapplaudedforsustainableliving.ThewomanhadbeenusingthesamesourcreamcontainerasTupperwareforthelasttwentyyears.Shealsoreusedwrappingpaperlikeitwasherjob.Fivebirthdaysinarow,Mika’spresentwaswrappedinthesameMyLittlePonypaper.Hiromi’sparentshadbeenWorldWarIIsurvivorsinJapan,hadgrownupinatimewhenfruitwasamemory,theirlivesshapedbywarandfamine.They’dtaughtHiromitosaveeveryscrapofpaper,tostir-fryfieldgrasses,totakesoilblackenedfrombombsandmakeitrichagain.
“We’realsolookingforvolunteersfortheannualbazaarforfoodprep,”PastorBarbarawenton.“Butwhatwereallyneed
aretaikoplayersordancersfortheexhibitportion.Ifyou’vegotaspecialtalent,nowisthetimetoletitshine!”Once
ayear,inthespring,thechurchheldafundraiser.Tentswentupintheparkinglot.Chickenwasmarinatedintubsofteriyaki
sauce.Sobanoodlessizzledinwoks.TheysoldJapanesestreetfoodoutside.Inside,handicraftsweredisplayedontables—crocheted
potholders,kokeshidolls,yosegi.Intheevening,congregantsdancedandplayedmusicinashowcase.

Anotherpinchfromhermother.“Youshoulddothat.Helpwiththefoodordanceintheshowcase.”HiromielbowedShige,waking
himwithastart.“RememberhowMikadanced?”BeforeShigesweptheroffherfeet,beforebecomingawife,Mika’smotherhad
trainedasamaiko,ageishaapprentice.AndwhentheymovedtotheStates,HiromitrackeddownasenseitoteachMika.If
Hiromicouldn’tbeamaiko,Mikawouldbeadancer.Hiromiwantedafoil.Mikawantedtobefree.

Henoddeddazedly.“Yes,yes,ofcourse.”
Mikascootedawayuntilshewaspressedagainsttheendofthepew.Shedidn’tsayanything.Therefusalwasinthesetlineofhermouth.MikawoulddanceagainthesamedayHiromiusedamicrowave.Whichwouldbenever.
“Allthoselessons.Whatawaste.”Hiromicluckedhertongue.School.Chores.Dance.Onceuponatime,Mika’sworldhadbeen
atinymatchstickmodelbuiltinthecenterofhermother’spalm.

Aftertheservice,Mikadriftedtotherefreshmentstable.Shepiledaplatehighwithdorayaki,tinysquaresofchiffon,
andmatchacake…allwhilebalancingacupofteainonehand.Hertemplesthrobbed.Theofficiallinewasaheadache,
notahangoverfromboxwinethenightbefore.

Mikastuffedasweet-potatocakeinhermouth.“Dad,whathaveyoubeenuptolately?”
Shigeturnedtoher.“IwatchedadocumentaryabouttheUnitedStatesPostalSystem.”
“Oh,yeah?”Mikafeignedinterest.Hermomscannedtheroom,bowingherheadatafriend,thenkeptgoing,clearlyonthe
huntforsomeoneelse.

Herfathersippedhistea,servedbyMika’smother.Nolongeramaiko,Hiromiwasasengyōshufunow,aprofessionalhousewife.
Thiswasherikigai,hermotivationtolive,toentertain,andtocare.Mikacouldn’trememberamealorsnackherfather
hadeverpreparedforhimself.“Didyouknowyoucansendbirdsthroughthemail?”Shigesmiled,anditwasdisarminglycharming.
WhenMikawasgrowingup,hehadbeenkindtoherbutstayedoutoftheparenting.Mikaunderstood.HiromiSuzukiwasaforce
Shigeelectednottoreckonwith.Unfortunately,thatleftMikaalonetoweatherhermother’sstorms.Ridingaroundintheir
FordTaurusstationwagon,Mikausedtowrite“Help,I’vebeenkidnapped”inthecondensationonthewindowinhopessomeone
wouldpullthemover.

Mikasmiledtoo,bolsteredbyhisgoodhumor.HermotherwasmomentarilydistractedbyMrs.ItoshowingoffpicturesofhertriptoJapan.HiromiandMrs.Itowerebestfriendsandmortalenemies.Theyhadreducedmotheringtoacompetitivesport.Correction,awar.Withjudgmentthepreferredweaponoftorture.Anyway,nowwastheperfecttime.Shehadherfather’sattentionanddidn’thavehermother’s.“Otōsan…”Mikastarted.“I’verecentlyhadalittlesetback.”
Shige’sfacecrinkled.“Notagain.”
Mikahadneverbeengoodatsaving.Shelivedherlifeimpulsively,checktocheck.Operatingonthemotto“Youcan’ttake
itwithyou.”Fundsbecameshortratherquickly.Withindays,hercircumstancesteeteredondire.Rentwasdue.Utilities
too.PlanA,gettinganotherjobASAP,hadn’tpannedout.PlanB,noteating,lastedalloffourhours.Now,itwastimefor
planC,askingherparentsformoney,andMikahadtosay,itfuckingsucked.Mikalickedherlipsandplowedon.“I’mapplying
fornewjobslikecrazy.I’msureI’llhavesomethinglinedupinnotime.Ijustneedalittlehelptogetmethroughthe
restofthismonth.I’msorry,”shesaid.Itwasaglobalapology—forallherdeficits,foraskingformoneyinapublicplace.
Shecouldn’tbeartovisitthemandaskathome.

“What’sthis?”Hiromisweptover,finishedwithMrs.Ito.
Foramoment,herfathersaidnothing.Hecasthisgazearound,makingsuretheywouldn’tbeoverheard.“Mi-chanhasasked
formoney,”hesaid,voicelowered,nearlyinaudible.

Hiromi’sfacecooled.Mikaknewthatexpressionlesslook;itwasallintheeyes.Itcutthroughher—thatconcealeddisappointment.
Butalsofear.Whoisthiswoman-childI’veraised?Soignorant.Sodisconnectedfromherpast,howcanshehaveafuture?Ihavesomany
regrets.Shamedandfeelingsmall,Mikapeereddownatherplate.

“Howmuchdoyouneed?”Shigeasked
Mikarubbedherthumbsagainstherplate.“Acouplethousand.I’llpayyouback.”
Hiromiwaveditoff.“Yes.Thatiswhatyoualwayssay.”
Mikakeptquiet.Shesworeshe’dneveraskherparentsformoneyagain.Howmanytimeshadshebrokenthatpromisetoherself?
Hiromi’sgazelitonsomeone.“Putyourplatedown,”shecommanded,scowlingattheamountoffoodonMika’splate.Mrs.Ito
oftencommentedwhatagoodeaterMikawas.“Iseethenewcongregant.”ShetookinMika’soutfit—pantsandablousewith
abuttonmissing,thelastcleanclothingitemsinhercloset.“Thisiswhatyou’rewearing?”

Mikafrowned.“Idon’twanttomeetanyone.”WhenMikabrokeupwithLeif,Hiromihadsaid,Howwillyousurvive?“Andwhatabouttheloan—”

“Shush,”Hiromisaid.“Everyonewillseeyoudisagreeingwithme.Youwillmeetthisperson.”Hiromi’seyesflickered.“And
yourfatherwillwriteyouacheck.”Mikawaswaitingforthispart,tofeelthetugofthestringstowhichthemoneywas
attached.

Datingsomeonehermotherapprovedofwasaboutasappealingasafullbodycavitysearch.“Kaasan—”
“Listentoyourmother.Showusyouarewillingtochange,”herfathersaid.Whenchoosingsides,Shigealwayspickedhis
wife’s.“Youmustbegintakingyourlifemoreseriously,whichincludessearchingfortherightpartner.”

Mikaswallowedandsetherplatedown.“Fine.”
HiromismiledlikeacatandusheredMikatothenewcongregant.Hewastalkingtothepastor.“Mika-san,”thepastorsaid,
takingbothofMika’shands.Hersmilewaswarm.“Howareyou?”

“I’vecometointroduceMikatoournewmember.”Hiromismiledsweetly.ShesqueezedMika’sarmlikeshe’djustencounteredgoodfortune.
“Oh,ofcourse!”thepastorsaid,lettinggoofMika’shands.“ThisisHayatoNakaya.HejusttransferredfromNikeJapan
toourfaircity.”

Hayatobowed.“Howdoyoudo?”HewasleanandtallerthanMika,whichwasn’tsayingmuch.Mikawasfive-twoonagoodday.
Hehadanicesmile,shesupposed.

“Pastor,Ineedtospeakwithyouaboutthebazaar,”Hiromisaidgravely.“EstherWatanabewantstousehertempurarecipe
again.Iwonderifwemightpersuadeherinadifferentdirection.”

“Sure,sure.”Thepastornodded,andtheysteppedaway,leavingMikaalonewithHayato.
“Well,thisisuncomfortable,”HayatosaidinperfectEnglish.
“DidyougrowupinJapan?”Mikaaskedtobepolite.
“No,inCalifornia.LA.”Herockedbackonhisheels.“Mymotherisfirst-generationJapaneseAmerican.Howaboutyou?”
“Minetoo.IwasborninDaito,justoutsideofOsaka.”MikahadonlyimpressionsofherhomeinJapan.Theslopingroofwith
curlingtiles.Theplasticsheetingaroundtheporch.Themuddybackyardborderingasweetpotatofarm.Thetansuchestleft
byapreviousowner,whichhermotherlovedbutwastooexpensivetotransporttotheUnitedStates.“WemovedwhenIwas
six.”

SherememberedthedaytheyarrivedintheStates.Theirlittlefamilyofthreerumpledandirritablefromflyingnearfifteenhours.Whatdaywasit?Whattime?Youcouldn’ttellinthewindowlesscustomscorridor.Fansblew,andtheairwasstalewithtravelers’breath.AmaninablueuniformbehindplexiglassexaminedtheirpassportswhileShigespokeofhisjob,howthey’darrangedhisworkvisa,evenanapartment.Hiromistaredattheagentasifdownthebarrelofagun.AndMikaslippedaway.Sherememberedthesteps.One.Two.Three.Likewalkingatightropeuntilshecametoawallandlookedup.
ToanoilportraitofLouisArmstrong
Itwasasifadoorintheskyhadopened,andMikawaspeekingintoanotherworld.Shehadtoswallowbackthetears.Something
insideofherstirredtolife.Amiracle,Mikarememberedthinkingasshetracedthebrushstrokeswithhereyes.It’samiracle.Thatwasthedayherworldcollapsedandreinflated.Roadswerelinestodraw.Treeswerecolorstobefilledin.Thesun
waslighttobeused.Endlesspossibilities.MuchlikeMika’sloveforPenny,herloveforpaintingwasinstinctual,prelingual.
Mikaceasedbeingaperson—shewasthestrokeofabrush,abottleofpaint,ablankcanvaswaiting.

“Thoughtso.I’mfamiliarwiththewholeforcingtwosinglestogetherinthehopesofproducingJapaneselovespawns,”said
Hayato,pullingMikafromthepast.

Mikaforcedasmile.“Iknowmymomgaveyoumyphonenumbertheotherday.ButI’mnotreallylookingtodateanyoneright
now.Nooffense.”

“Nonetaken.Infact,Iamonlyinterestedindatingmen.”Hayatopointedathimselfwithtwothumbs.“Supergay.”
Mika’ssmilewasgenuinenow.“Well,then.”
“Well,then,”Hayatosaidbackwarmly.
Theychattedforawhile.Agreeingtomeetupsometime.MaybeMikawouldinvitehimtoCharlie’shousewarmingpartyinafew
weeks.Afterchurch,herfatherwroteacheckintheparkinglot.

“Ifyougooutwithhim,”Hiromisaid,meaningHayato,“wearadress.Maybesomeperfume.Nothingtooheavy.”
“He’snotinterested,”Mikasaid,pluckingthecheckfromShige’sfingers.
“Whatdoyoumeanhe’snotinterested?Whatdidyoudo?”Hiromi’svoicegrewshrill—thesoundofseagullsfightingovera
rottenfish.

Mikastiffened.“Ididn’tdoanything.”

“Youhavetomakehiminterested,”Hiromiinsisted.
“Nomeansno,”Mikaansweredfirmly
“Eh.”Shigerubbedhisbrow.“Canyoutwogofiveminuteswithoutfighting?You’reliketwoflames,alwaysburningeverything
downaroundyou.”

Mika’sjawtensed,butshestayedsilent.Shefoldedupthecheckandstuffeditinherpocket,squeezingoutaquietthanks
beforewalkingaway.
ChapterFour
Avideocall.
Itdidn’thitMikauntilafewminutesbeforeshewassupposedtodialPenny’snumberthatshewouldseeherdaughterlive
forthefirsttimeinsixteenyears.Ofcourse,she’dseenpicturesenclosedinthelettersfromCarolineonceayear.But
they’dbeenstaticpieces.Momentsfrozenintime,trappedinthickamber.Mikacouldn’tobservePenny’sfacialtics.The
wayherhandsmovedwhenshewasexcitedorsadorscared.Orhearthesoundofhervoicewhenshespoke,howtheinflection
changed.Themostaliveshe’deverseenPennywasasababy.

Shesatattheeat-indiningtableinthekitchen.HanahadclearedoutafterhelpingMika.Mikaflickedonthecameraand
studiedherself.Hersweaterhadasmallholeinthesleeve.Hanahadchosenit,pickingthroughMika’sclothes,searching
forapiecethatdidn’toffendher.“Thiswillhavetodo,”she’dsaid,pinchingthenavycable-knitnumberbetweenherfingers
andhandingitofftoMika.

Thenshe’dleftMikaalonewiththescreen,herheartbeatingfastandherpalmsslickwithsweat.Oneminutetogo.They’dscheduledthecallforfourp.m.,sevenp.m.Penny’stime.MikatypedinherlogininformationanddialedPenny’snumber.Itrangonce.Andthereshewas.Thereshewas—Mika’sdaughter.Mikawonderedathercheekbones,atherbullishnose,athershinyhair.Imadeher.ThefeelingsimilartowhenMikagavebirthandheldPennyforthefirsttime.Asenseofaweandfascination.Apieceof
Mika’ssoulrecognizingitself.

MikasmiledatPennyasifshewereanoldfriend.“Hi.”
“Wow!”Penny’sownsmilewaswideandopen,everysingletoothondisplay.Mikahadsmiledlikethatbefore.Whenshewas
sixteen.Whenyouhadtheworldatyourfingertips.Whenyouheldthebalanceoftimeinyourowntwohands.Itwasaspecial
feeling—havingnothingtolose.“Youlooksoyoung,”saidPenny.

“Yeah,well,youknow,Asiandon’traisin.”
Pennylaughed.“It’ssoweird,butallIcanthinkrightnowis:‘Shehasmyface,shehasmyface!’”
Mikasmiledbrighter.Theybothgrewquiet.ItwasneardarkwherePennywas.Thelastpreciousraysofsunlightfiltered
inthroughawindow,obscuringherfacewhenshemovedtherightway.Before,whenMikausedtopaint,shemighthavesnapped
aphotoofit,sketchedPennyinpencil,usingthesharpestpointontheupwardcurveofherhappymouth.Instead,Mikathought
abouttheweatheroutside,thecomingevening,therainpatteringonthewindows,thestrangenessofmeetingPennythenand
now.Bothfeltlikethefirsttime.

“Ialwayswonderedaboutyou,”Pennyadmittedlikeadirtysecret.Pennywasinherbedroom.Pinkcherryblossomwallpaperbehindher.WhenMikahadbeenpregnant,CarolinepromisedtointegratePenny’sJapaneseheritageintotheirlives.Aletterarriveddescribingacherryblossom–themednurseryandasushi-makingclassthecouplehadenrolledin.MikawasprettysuremostofwhattheCalvinslearnedaboutJapanwasfromaWikipediapage.
“HereIam.Didyour…DidThomasandCarolinetellyouanythingaboutme?”Beyondthescreenweretwocrumpledtissues
Mikahadjustpressedunderherarmpits.

“Notmuch.”Pennysippedfromasteamingmug.Coffee?No,tea.Mikawishedshe’dgrabbedaglassofwater.NearPennyalso
werealittlebowlofpretzelsandanotepadwithapen.Pennycamebetterprepared.“Youweresuperyoung.Nineteen.Just
startingcollegeanddidn’twantababy.”

Want?Itwasn’tsomuchshedidn’twantPenny.Itwasthatshecouldn’thaveher.WhatshewantedwasPennytoliveandgrowwith
afamilybetterthanhers.Betterthanme.ShelovedPennyandwasashamedshecouldn’ttakecareofher.Thatshewasn’tenoughforher.Whatdoyouknowaboutraisingababy?TheghostofHiromi’swordshauntedher.

“Anyway,”Pennywenton,settingthecupdown.“Theynevertriedtohideitfromme.Imean,hello!”Shepointedtoherface.
“Itwaskindofagiven.Half-Japanesekid.Whiteparents.Iactuallythoughtallkidswereadoptedforawhile.”Pennysnickered.
“Liketherewasaplacewhereparentswentandpickedoutbabies.ButthenmyfriendSophie—I’veknownhersincekindergarten—said
shehadthisweirdturned-out-toethingshe’dinheritedfromherfather.IwenthomeandaskedwhatIhadfrommyparents.
Theyexplainedthingslikeasenseofhumor,kindness,etc.”Pennyballedherhandsintofistsandbumpedthemagainstthe
table.Mikastraightened.Hadshebeenthatself-awareatsixteen,ateighteen?Sherememberedbeingexcited,vulnerable,
alone.Unprepared.No,Pennyhadbeenraiseddifferently.Shewasso…self-assured.“ButIwaslike,no,physically,whatpartofmecomesfromyou?Thentheyexplaineditall.Wedidn’thavethesamebloodtype.Orhands.Orfeetoranything.SomeoneelseintheworldpossessedmyDNA.Sincethen,I’vealwaysthoughtaboutit.Aboutapartofmyselfthatmightexistelsewhere.Imean,whoamI?”
Mikaclutchedherkneecaps.WhoamI?Mikacouldn’tansweritforherdaughter.Shecouldn’tevenansweritforherself.Anothershortcoming.

“Whew.”Pennyfinished.“IfeellikeI’mdoingallthetalking.Sorry.I’musedtobeingthecenterofattention.”Shepointed
toherchest.“Onlychild,youknow.”

“It’sfine,”Mikaassuredher.Itwasmorethanfine.ListeningtoPenny,seeingher,itfeltasifMikahadbeenretrieved
fromthebottomofthecoldestpartoftheocean,andshecouldfeelthesunagain.“Ilikehearingaboutyou.”

“Good.”Pennylightened.“Iwanttoknowallaboutyoutoo.”
Mikathoughtonthis.Shefoldedherhairbehindherear.Shesawthedishesstackedinthesink,thepilesofboxes,the
letteronthecounterstatinghercellphonepaymentwaspastdue.“There’snotmuchtotell.I’mafraidI’mkindofboring,
really.”

“YoustillliveinOregon?”
Mikanodded.“InPortland.”Aplaceboastingmorestripjointspercapitathananyothercity.Butitalsohadadonutshop
thatsoldzombieeclairsandthelargestcontinuouslyoperatedoutdoormarketintheUnitedStates.Peoplecametobuyhemp
andjewelryandeatstreetfood.Oneoutoffourcarshadabumperstickerthatread:keepportlandweird.“IliveintheAlbertaneighborhood.”AquintessentiallyPortlandplace.“Therearesomeshopsdownthestreets.Goatyoga
studiosownedbybeardedhipsterswhosellsustainableorganicorangutan-safecoffeeontheside,thatkindofthing.”

“That’ssocool.”Pennysmiled.“Yourhouselookedsuperpretty.”Super.Pennyusedthewordalot,anditfither.Intoeverything.Biggerthanlife.“Well,thegarden,atleast.That’sallIcould
seeonInstagram.”

Throughthewindow,Mikacouldseethebackyard,thefallingfence,theunmowedgrass,theoverturnedlawnfurniture,and
thediscardedbeerbottlesfullofslugs.ThensherealizedPennyhadsaidyourhouse.AsinMika’s.Shesoughttocorrecther.“It’snotreally—”

“Ican’twaittogetmyownplace,”Pennycutin.“I’mgoingtoapplyallovertheWestCoastandEastCoast.Nowhereinthe
Midwest.Don’tgetmewrong,IlovelivinginDayton,inOhio,Imean.Butit’ssosmall,youknow?SophieandIaregoing
toberoomieswhereverwego.”Atlast,asimilarity.Atsixteen,MikaandHanaworkedataTacoBell.They’dlistentohip-hop
whiledumpingbagsofmeatintowarmers,chatteringabouttheirfutures,bondingoverbeingAsianAmerican—howmanytimes
they’dbeenasked,“Whereareyoufrom?”SomedayI’mgoingtotravelandpaint,Mikawouldbrag.She’dconcoctedsomanyplans.RidingmotorcyclesacrossSouthAmerica.DriftingthroughtheVenicecanals
onagondola.EatingchocolatecroissantsinParis.“Whatelse?”Pennytappedherfingers.“Whataboutyourjob?And,ohmy
god,wasthatyourboyfriendinthepicture?”Leif,shemeant.Mikahadn’tseenhimintwoyears.Tosaythingsendedbadly
waslikesayingVanGoghwasjustapainter.“He’scute.Youtraveltoo?Where’dyougotohighschool?”Pennystopped.Took
abreath.Clearlygearingupformore.

Mikalaughed.Sheputoutahand.Deflected.“Wait.Stop.Iwanttohearmoreaboutyou.”
Penny’sbrowfurrowed.Mikahadapictureofhermakingthatverygesture.Itwasoneofherfavorites.CarolinehadsentasnapshotofPennyholdinganemptycone,adoublescoopoficecreammeltingonthepavement.Sheworealittlewhitedresswithhand-stitchedflowers,herhaircaughtinasummerbreeze.“Iruncross-country.Ireadalot.Butnotanything,youknow,supernoteworthyorimportant.Thoughrecently,mydadgavemeacopyofTheLonelinessoftheLongDistanceRunner.Ithinkheboughtitonthetitlealone,andIthoughtitwouldbesupergrim.ButIendedupkindoflikingit.Therewas
thiswholeantiestablishmenttheme.”

“I’veneverreadit.”
“It’sgood.Youshouldpickitup.Whatwashighschoollikeforyou?I’msocurious.”
Mikapulledatherear.She’dbeenamisfitandlonelygrowingup.ThevoidhadbeenfilledbyHanaandpainting.Atnight,
she’dstealaway,huddlingunderhercomforterwithaflashlight,pencil,anddrawingpad.She’dstartedsketchingherown
hand,thenthehandsofothers,exploringthewarpedveinsinhermother’sfingers,theagespotsonherfather’s.Artwas
likeairtoMika.Herikigai.Itcarriedherthroughthedarknesstowardthedawn.ButMikadidn’tpaintanymore.Thatwas
before.Whybringitup?“Iwenttoamagnetschool.Itwasforstudentswhodidn’tnecessarilyfitintoregularacademia.”Most
kidsnappedduringclasses,andtheteachersturnedtheothercheek.“IlovedtheBeatGenerationwhenIwasyounger—Jack
Kerouac,GarySnyder,NealCassady.”Pennytookanothernote,mouthingthewordsBeatGeneration.“Mygoodfriend,Hana,attendedwithme.Shewastherewhenyouwereborn,asamatteroffact.”

“Shewas?”Pennylitup.
“Shewas.”Pennystayedsilent.Mikahesitatedtoaddmore.Whatmightshesay?Thenurseshatedusbecausewekeptorderingfood.IstillpeealittleeverytimeIlaughtoohard.Mybreastsarelikesockpuppets.Igrieveeveryday.Shesettledon,“Sheheldyou.AfterIdid,Imean.”

Pennythoughtforamoment.“DoyouthinkIcouldseeapictureofher?”
“Sure.Idon’thaveonehandyrightnow.”Therewasoneinaframeonthemantlepushedbehindsomegourdvases.Butthey
weredressedupasnunsforHalloween,abongonthetablebetweenthem.“ButI’llsendyouone.”

“Awesome.”PennysmiledatMika.
Mikasmiledback.
“Wheredoyouwork?”Pennyaskedfinally.
“I’mkindofbetweenthingsrightnow.”AtMika’sanswer,Pennychewedherlip—herfacecaughtinafragilemomentofhoping
formorebutexpectingless.Mikaimaginedthatexpressionshifting,morphingtoonehermothersportedalltoooftenaround
Mika.Blatantdisappointment.Whatmadeaperfectmother?Aperfectwoman?Whateveritwas,Mikaunderstooditwastheopposite
ofherself.“Imean,Irecentlyleftmyoldjobtobranchoutonmyown.”Sheclosedhereyes.Shewasthirty-five.Athird
ofherlifewasover.Shewassupposedtohavedonesomethingbynow.Whatcornerhadshepaintedherselfinto?Sheopened
hereyes.Thelietrippedout,stumblingoverhertongue.“Iloveart,and…andI’mlookingintogalleryspace,hoping
tofindsomeartiststorepresentandstartmyownbusiness.It’sinreallyearlystages…”

Pennypositivelyglowed.“That’samazing.”
Mikablushed.Felttooembarrassedandunsuretofessup.Plus,shewantedPennytokeeplookingatherinthatway.Asif
shewasgoodandkindandspecial.Atinywhitelieneverhurtanyone,anyway.“Well,Iguess…”

Theybouncedquestionsoffeachotherforawhile.Madesmalltalk.Pennywasamedal-winningrunner.Thescholarshipkind.HerfriendSophierantracktooandhadsixsiblings.“Mormons,youknow?”Pennysaid.Mikadidnot.Butshesmiledlikeshedid.Beforetheyknewit,anhourhadpassed.Theirconversationdwindled.
“Canwetalkagain?”Pennyasked.
“I’dlikethat,”Mikasaid,meaningit.Inthebeginning,herexpectationshadbeenlow.SheonlywantedtoknowPennywas
safeandloved.Thatshehadn’truinedPenny’slife.Butnow,shecouldn’ttampdownthedesiretospeaktoPennyagain.It
waspartofthehumanconditiontowantmore.

“Keepintouch,”Pennysaid,puttingherpointerfingerupasMikareachedouttoendthecall.
Mikapaused,notunderstandingthemotion.“What?”
“It’ssomethingmymom…”Pennylookeddown,hereyelashescreatinghalf-moonshadowsonhercheeks.Thensheglanced
up,watchingMikaclosely.“Somethingweusedtodo.We’dextendourpointerfingersandtapthemtogether.It’ssilly…”

“It’snotsilly.”Mikaswallowed.Shepressedherfingertothescreen.Pennydidthesame.“Keepintouch,Penny.”Interstitial
ADOPTIONACROSSAMERICA
NationalOffice
56544W57thAve.Suite111
Topeka,KS66546
(800)555-7794
DearMika,
Ihopeyou’redoingwell.Enclosedaretherequisiteitemsinregardtotheadoptionagreementbetweenyou,MikaSuzuki(the
birthmother),andThomasandCarolineCalvin(theadoptiveparents)forPenelopeCalvin(theadoptee).Contentsinclude:

Anannualletterfromtheadoptiveparentsdescribingtheadoptee’sdevelopmentandprogress
Photographsand/orothermemorabilia
Givemeacallifyouhaveanyquestions.(Sorryiftheabovesoundsformal,legalspeak,youknow?)
Allthebest,
MonicaPearson
AdoptionCoordinatorInterstitial
DearMika,
Ican’tbelieveithasbeensixyearsalreadysincePennycameintoourlives.Timehasflownby.Pennyhasgrownsomuch.
Sheisaprecociousandathleticallyinclinedchild.TheotherdayshenearlybeatThomasinafootrace!Ifeellikeifwe
projectedherbrainontoascreen,allwewouldseeisthewordgo
Amonthago,shegaveusalittlescare.Pennystoppedrespondingwhenwecalledhername.Thepediatricianreferredustoanaudiologist.Wespentanentireafternoonatthechildren’shospital.Theyranabatteryoftests,placingbigheadphonesonherearsandinstructinghertopressbuttonswhensheheardcertainsounds.Thenwewaitedinasmallroomfortheresults.Weweresonervous.Thomaswouldn’tstopbouncinghiskneeandkeptgoingonaboutflyingPennytoCalifornia.Hewaslookingupspecialistsonhisphonewhentheaudiologistcamein.“AllofPenny’stestscheckedout.Itseemsyourdaughterhasselectivehearing,”hesaid,emphasisonselective
Intheparkinglot,wepastedonourmostseriousexpressionsandhadaconversationwithPennyabouttheimportanceofpaying
attentionandwhatabigdealthiswas.Allthetestingcouldhavebeenavoided,weexplained.Inthecar,Thomasstarted
laughing,andsodidI.Wecouldn’tstop.Onethingiscertain,ourliveswillneverbeboringwithPennyinthem.Asalways,
picturesareattached.Includingaself-portraitPennycreatedwithmustardandacouplepiecesofbread.

Bighugs,
CarolineChapterFive
Forthreeweeks,MikaandPennychattednonstop.Theystayeduptogether,nightafternight,theirconversationsfollowing
alabyrinthinepath.Pennywouldtext:Canyoutalk?AndMikawouldreply,Sure!Itwasn’tthatshehadnothingtodo.Itwasthatshewasdoingnothing.

Theycelebratedeachother’saccomplishments,crackingbottlesofappleciderforPennyandchampagneforMika.Pennywon
abigcross-countryrace,andMikapretendedtofindtheperfectgalleryspaceforanewartistshewantedtoshowcase.They’d
haveanofficialopeninginafewweeks—soexciting,shecouldn’twait.Inreality,she’dbeenapplyingforhigher-paying
jobs,butstillnocallbacks.Shewatchedthemoneytricklefromheraccountwitharesignedpanic.Pennybrokeupwithher
boyfriend,Jack,afterhekeptwantingtohangoutinplaceswithmattresses.WhenPennyaskedaboutLeif,Mikasaidhe’d
takenheronaromanticdinner,onahike,toamuseumexhibit…

Witheachlie,Mikapaintedherlifeinbrightercolors—asuccessfuljob,adedicatedboyfriend.Forthelastsixteenyears,itfeltlikeshe’dbeenlivinginexile.WithPenny,she’ddisembarkedfromhercurrentlifeandboardedanewship,sailingtowardadestinationshe’dalwaysdreamedofbutcouldneverquitereach.Nextstop:love,career,family,home.Alifeshemighthavehad,beforeshehadPenny,beforeshequitpainting.ItmadePennyfeelgood.AndMikatoo.Itwasmucheasiertotalkaboutthingsasyouwishedthemtobe.Forthefirsttimeinaverylongtime,Mikawascontent.Fulfilled.
“Ugh,soundslikeCharlieletTuanpickthemusicagain,”HanagripedoutsideofCharlie’sfreshlypaintedfrontdoor.Tonight
wasCharlieandTuan’shousewarmingparty.

Thecouplehadmovedinamonthago.MikaandHanahadhelpedprepthehouseforitsdebut—weighinginonsuchimportantmatters
aswhatpicturetohangoverthefireplace,howthefurnitureshouldbelaidout,andoncecleansedthewholeplacewithsage
afterthelightkeptflickeringinthekitchen.Tuanhadcomehomearoundthetimetheyweresmokingoutthecornersofthe
livingroom.Didyoucheckthebulb?he’dasked.Ofcoursewehave,Tuan,theysaid.Don’tyouthinkwetriedthatfirst,Tuan?We’renotstupid,Tuan.Whenhe’dleftforabikeride,Charliechangedthelightbulb,andtheysworetonevertell.

Throughthedoor,MikacouldhearthelowtonesofR&B,i.e.,slowjams—themusicTuanlikedtoplayforpartiesandmakelovetoafterward,accordingtoCharlie.ThereweresomethingsMikacouldgoalifetimewithoutknowing.Alsoheard
wasthemurmurofconversationandtheclinkofglasses.Thepartywasinfullswing.Naturally,MikaandHanawerelate.

Footstepspoundedonthepavementbehindthem.“Mika.Hi.Sorry,I’mlate.Trafficwasabitch.NotasbadasLA,though.”
Hayatowasdressedinacollaredshirtandslacks,hisworklanyardstillaroundhisneck,abigblackswooshprominentover
hisnameandtitle.Tuckedunderhisarmwasabottleofwine.

“Youmadeit!”SheandHayatohadtextedsincechurch.TheyhadspentawholeSaturdayexchangingstoriesabouttheirJapanesemothers.Checkingoffthecommonalities—refusingtousethedishwasher,elaboratebentoboxesforlunch…thatsortofthing.Now,MikahuggedHayato,thenturnedtoHana.“Hayato,Hana.Hana,Hayato.”
HanaandHayatoexchangedhow-do-you-dos.
“Funny.”HepointedtotheplantinHana’shands.MikaandHana’shousewarminggiftwasanartichokeagavewiththewords
nicehouse,succascrawledacrossthepot.

Hanafrowned.“TwentybuckssaysCharlieputsitinherguestroom.”
“Theguestroomiswherebadgiftsgotodie,”MikaexplainedtoHayato.Popularitemsincluded:theeleven-by-fourteen-inch
portraitfromhermother-in-lawofTuanwhenhewasababy,agiantcrystalcrossandpotpourriholderfromCharlie’smother,
andanacousticguitar—agiftfromTuantohimself.Alsotuckedawayinaclosetwasastuffedbunnywiththesoftestfloppy
ears.Charliehadfounditinachildren’sboutiquestore.She’dshruggedatthetime,murmuring,“Someday.”Hiromiadored
Charlie.Charliedideverythingrightandintherightorder.Assoonasshefinishedherundergraduatedegree,shehopped
straighttohergraduatedegree—amaster’sinteaching.Thedayshegotajob,Tuanproposed.Theymarriedayearlater.And
now,theyhadboughtahouseandwereplanningafamily.

Whycan’tyoubelikeyourfriendCharlie?Hiromioftensaid.BewasHiromi’sfavoritewordtoinvokearoundMika.Besilent,Hiromiwouldcommand,herbreathstale,whenMikawaslittleandcried.Beadancer,Hiromiwouldsay,cinchingtheobiaroundMika’swaistuntilherbreathswerewisps,preppingherforodori.Be.Be.Be.
Beforme.Beanythingbutyourself.

Hayatolaughed,gazelandingatthedoorwiththeironknocker.Heremovedhislanyardandstuffeditintohispocket.“Thisisyourfriend’splace?It’snice.Yousureit’sokayI’mhere?”Thehousewasbeautiful.Builtin1909onacornerlot,ithadbeenfullyupdatedoutsideandin.AhugewraparoundporchaccessorizedwithAdirondackchairsandoriginalleaded-glasswindowsdominatedthefront.CharlieandTuanhadspenthourslandscapingtheyard,choosingplantsnativetothePacificNorthwest—highgrasses,maples,andbushyferns.
“Ofcourseit’sfine,”Hanasaid.“Charlieisgreat.She’smarriedtoTuan,andhe’sagem.They’retotallyinlove.”Hana
putherhandonthedoorknobandturned.Lightfloodedontotheporch.Shepausedanddroppedhervoicetoawhisper.“Listen.
Ifeitherofyougetshungry,Ihavesandwichesinmypurse.”

“Youbroughtsandwichestoourbestfriend’shousewarming?”Mikawhisperedback,enteringalongsideHana,Hayatoatherelbow.
Thedoorswungclosedbehindthem.

“Youknowsheneverhasenoughfoodatthesethings,”saidHana.Hayato’seyesglimmeredwithamusement.
Blondwithbigbrowneyes,Charliesailedacrosstheroom.“You’rehere.”HanaandMikahadmetCharliefreshmanyear.Charlie
wasasuckerforunderdogs,whichexplainedherattractiontoHanaandMika.Ofcourse,MikaandHanahadimprintedonher
likeasetofwolfcubs.

Charlielivedacrossthehall,andasshewastomostofthestudentsinthedorm,Mikawasakindoffascination,beingpregnant
incollegeandlivinginstudenthousing.Adayaftershereturnedfromthehospital,Mika’smilkcamein.Charliehadspotted
HanaandMikainthebathroom,franticallystuffingMika’sbrawithtoiletpaper.

Mikahadbeenfoolishtothinkonceshesignedtheadoptionpapersitwouldallgoaway,thatthingswouldgobacktohowtheyhadbeenbefore.Instead,theygotworse.Themilkwasherbody’ssignal.Givingyourbabyawaywasn’tanaturalprocess.Ican’tmakeitstop,Mikahadcried.

Youshouldgetsomebreastpads,Charliecalmlysuggested,showerkitinhand.Mysisterhadababylastyear.That’swhatsheused.After,CharliehadcalledhersisterandfoundouthowtomakeMika’smilkstop.

Now,aserialhugger,CharliewrappedherarmsaroundMika,thenHana,thenHayato.“You’reMika’sfriendfromchurch?Mika
mentionedyoujustmovedhere,”Charliesaid,squeezingHayato.Shewassmallbutsurprisinglystrong.Spinclassesthree
timesaweek,andKravMagatwice,willdothattoabody.“Areyouinterestedinacquiringalargecrystalcrossslashpotpourri
holder?Mightlookniceinyourplace.”

Hayatocoughedintohishand.“Notreallymyaesthetic,butthanks.”
“Shoot.”Charliepouted.
“Sorry,”MikasaidtoHayato.
Charlieshruggedlikeitdidn’thurttotry.
“Happyhousewarming.”Hanahandedofftheplant.
CharliestudieditasMikascopedoutthemarbleisland.Therewasplentyofboozeaccompaniedbyanunenthusiasticbuffet
ofappetizers—slidersonbriochebuns,fruitskewers,somevegetables,anddip.Mikaknewtuckedinthepantrywasacanof
ranchPringlesanddessertswithirresponsibleamountsofbutterforwheneveryoneleft.Thenthethreewomenwouldcozyup
onthecouch.Tuanwouldrescuehisguitarfromtheguestroomandplaytheonlysongheknew,“StairwaytoHeaven.”

“Tuan,”Charliecalled.“ComeseethegiftHanaandMikabroughtus.”
Tuanjoinedthegroup.HewasVietnamese,tallishwitharunner’sbodyandflopofblackhairhewasperpetuallypushingback.“Hey,Tuan.”HeshookHayato’shand,introducinghimself.
Charlietappedherlips.“Iknowjusttheplaceforthis.Theguestroomneedsaplant,don’tyouthink?”sheaskedherhusband.
“Idon’tknow.”Hepushedhishairback.“Maybethemantle?”CharliesentTuananI-want-to-punch-you-in-the-nutsglare.Tuan
halfsmiledandkissedCharlieonthenose.

“Placelooksnice,”Mikachimedin.
“Thanks!”CharlieturnedamegawattsmileonMika.Itwasanopenconcept.Thekitchenboastedstainless-steelappliances
polishedtoahighshineandmarblecountertops.Agray,L-shapedcouchdominatedthelivingroom.Inthefireplace,alog
burned.Lightswerecontrolledbydimmerstocreateambianceandmood—thisevening’saesthetic:lowandwarmwithatouch
ofromance.Winesandbeersshowcasedregionsthroughouttheworld.Onceuponatime,Mikadrankbeer.Butneveraftercollege.
Nope,thosedaysofkegsandredSolocupsweregone.Shebypassedthebrownbottlesandpouredherselfahealthyglassof
wine,bigenoughtoslayanybadmemory.

***
Two,three,fourglassesofwinelater—whowascountingreally?—MikawasdeepinconversationwithHayato.Theysatonthe
couchclosetogether.Afewfeetaway,Hanaslow-dancedwithacoworkerofTuan’s.HayatohadjustfilledMikainonhisjob,
creatingmarketingmaterialsanddesigningshoesforNike.Hayatoswirledthewineinhisglass.“Whatdoyoudoforwork?”

Mikawavedahand.“Unfortunately,Iamunemployed.”
“Oh?”
Athissympathetictone,shesaid,“It’sfine.Totallyfine.”Shehadthemoneyfromherparents.
“Wherehaveyoubeenapplying?”
Mikasippedherwine,thechardonnaygrowingwarmbecausesherefusedtoputherglassdown.“Nowheregreat.”Inthefewweeks
she’dbeensearching,shehadn’tfoundanythingevenremotelyappealing.“ButI’vedecidedtoseethisasanopportunity.
Youknow,ifonedoorshuts,anotheropens.”

“Iliketheattitude,”Hayatosaid.“TakealookatNikeandseeifanythingfitsyourqualifications.I’mhappytoputin
agoodword.”

“Wow.Thanks,that’dbegreat,”shesaid,gratefulyetstrugglingtopictureit.Themomentlapsedintosilence.Sherested
herheadonthebackofthecouchandpeeredattheceiling.ShethoughtofHanaandhercareer,Charlieandhermarriage.
Howherfriend’sstoneshadreachedtheothersideoftheriver.

Charlie’svoicecutthroughtheroom.“Headsup,”shecalledtoMika.“Yourphoneisringingoffthehook.”Charlietossed
thephonetoMika,justastheringingcutoff.ThreemissedcallsfromPenny.

“Willyouexcusemeforamoment?”shesaidtoHayatobeforestandingandslippingoutthebackdoor.Pennyhadlefttwovoicemails.Mikashiveredagainstthecoldspringeveningandpressedthephonetoherear,listeningtoPenny’sfirstmessage.“Hey,it’sme.Givemeacallwhenyougetthis.Ihaveasurpriseforyou.”
Thenthesecondmessage.“So,Icouldn’twait.Iamdying.Dying.RememberhowItoldyouformysixteenthbirthdaymygrandparentssentmeacheckfor,like,fivehundreddollars,andI’ve
beentryingtofigureoutwhattodowithit?”Therewasapause.ProbablyforPennytotakeabreath.Mikaoftenfoundherself
windedafterPenny’scalls.“Iwasgoingtoputittowardanewphone,butthenIhadabrilliantidea!I’mgoingtovisit
youformyspringbreak!”

Mikaputahandoutagainstthefence,steadyingherself.Portlanddidn’thavemanyearthquakes,butshewassureatremor
justshooktheground.

Pennywenton.“We’llofficiallymeetintwoweeks!Ican’tbelieveIboughtaticket.Ohmygod,mydadisgoingtototally
regretgivingmemyowndebitcard.Don’tworry,I’mgoingtotellhimtonight.Ican’tbelieveI’mcomingtoseeyou!Ican’t
waittoseeyourhouseandgallery.I’lltotallybethereforthegrandopening.AndIwanttomeetLeif!”Squeal.Actual
squeal.“I’msoexcited.”

Mikalistenedtothevoicemailthreemoretimes.Thewordsdidn’tchange.Buttheydidsinkinwithasickeningeffect.Her
lyinghearttwistedinherchest,thentwistedonceagainwithguilt.Ohgod,PennywascomingtoPortland.Penny,whomshe
loved.PennywhothoughtMikawasatotallydifferentperson.Shepeeredupatthesky.Waitedtoseeifthunderousclouds
wererollingin.Ifbare-chestedmenonmassivehorseswouldstampedeacrosstheskies.Nothing.Check.Nottheendofdays.
Goodtoknowshewastheonlypersonbiblical-levelfucked.
ChapterSix
Mikabarreledthroughthehouse.Firststop,Hana.“Excuseme.”SheyankedHana’sarm,separatingherbestfriendfromthe
blue-hairedwomansheslow-dancedwith.

“Hey.”Thewomanfrowned.“Youtoldmeyouweresingle.”
“Iam,”Hanaexplainedsheepishly.
PanicinchedupMika’sspine.ThewordsfromPenny’smessageflashedacrossMika’smindlikewarningsignsbeforeacliff.I’mcomingtoseeyou.Twoweeks.“Emergency.Codered.Ineedyou.”

Hana’sbrowhikedup.“I’mintrigued.Lily—”
“It’sLola.”Theblue-hairedwoman’sfrownintensified.Hayatowasstillinthelivingroomandengagedinananimatedconversation
withTuanplussomeotherdudes.

“Lola,”Hanasaid,givingherasalute.“It’sbeenreal.”
Offtheywent,MikasteeringthemtowardCharlie’sbedroom.Inside,Mikashutthedoor,mutingtheparty.“Listen.”Mikaturned
thevolumeuponherphone,hitplayonPenny’smessage,andsetitontheking-sizebed.Penny’ssweetvoicefilledthedim
room.Astheylistened,Mika’sstomachplummeted.Sheshould’veknownthiswouldhappen.Shehadyearsofexperienceofeverything
goingrightandthensuddenlywrong.Nothingwasevercertain.

“Penny’scomingtovisit.Thisisgreat!”saidHana.ThenatMika’sexpression,sheamended,“Thisisnotgreat?”Hana’sbrowdartedin.“Holdup.Didshesayyourgallery?AndwhatwasthataboutLeif?”
Mikasatonthebed,moreofacollapse,really.Shecuppedherknees,flexedherhands.Itdidn’tmakeanythingbetter.“That’s
whatIneedyourhelpwith.Imayhaveimprovedthetruthinourconversations.”Shepinchedherfingerstogether.“Alittle.”

Hanasquintedhereyes.“Howlittle?”
“Youknow…”Mikabrushedhershirtsleeve,startedtosweatanew.“IsaidIgraduatedfromcollegewithanarthistory
degree.”Once,longago,she’ddreamedoffinishingherartdegreeandbackpackingthroughEuropeorSouthAmerica.Instead,
she’dgottenadegreeinbusiness.Ithadtakenhereightyearsinsteadoftheusualfour.

“Okay.”ThesetofHana’sfacemadeitseemnotsobad.
Shesuckedinhercheeks.“Maybewithhonors.”
Hanalaughed,thebitch.“Whatelse?”

“Idunno.Myowngalleryandhouse,travelingtheworld,super-successfulboyfriend,IthinkIevensaidIbikeeverywhere.”
Hana’seyebrowsinchedup.“So,you’realyingliarwholies?”
“Again.Iprefertheterm‘improvingthetruth.’”
Hanascrewedherfaceup.“Butwhy?”
ItwashardforHanatounderstand,Mikasupposed.Otherthanterriblehousekeepingskills,Hanareallyhadnothingtohide.
Shehadagreatjob.Womenthrewthemselvesather.HowcouldMikaexplain?“Safespace?”Mikaasked.

“Youknowit,”Hanaansweredimmediately.
“It’swhoIwanttobe.WhoIthoughtIcouldbe…before.”Asafekindofhopeexistedinfiction.Thepossibilitieswereendless.Herlifedifferent.Amorepositivetimeline.Ifonly.Ifonly…Plus,shewantedtogivePennywhatshehadtooutsourcesixteenyearsagotoCaroline—agoodmother,afitmother.
“Mika.”Hanasighed.Finally,shestood,approachingthedoorasiftoleave.
PanicslicedthroughMikalikeasantokuknife.“Whereareyougoing?”
Hanaturned.“I’mgettingCharlie.We’regoingtoneedbackup.”
***
Afewminuteslater,Charlie,Mika,andHanasatinCharlie’sbathroom—becauseHanahadherbestideasinthetub
“YoutoldheryouwerebackstagefortheopeningperformanceofHamilton?”askedCharlie.Shesatontheclosedtoilet,laptopandExcelspreadsheetopen.AndbecauseCharliewasCharlie,she’d
decidedtosortMika’sliesbycategory—SchoolandCareer,Hobbies,LoveLife,etc.

Mikafrowned.“It’snotlikeIsaidIwasintheproduction.JustthatLeifwhiskedmeawaytoNewYorkandsurprisedmewithbackstagepassestomeetthecastonopening
night.”

Hanasprawledintheclawfootbathtub,wineglassinhand.“Thatisoddlyspecific.”
“Thedevil’sinthedetails,”Mikareplied.
“I’mfilingitunderHobbies,”saidCharlie.
Someoneshoutedinthelivingroom.Apparently,boardgameswerehappening.“Areyousureyoushouldn’tbeouttherewith
yourpeople?”MikaaskedCharlie.

“Youaremypeople,”Charliesaidpointedly.“Besides,it’sfine.Tuaniscoveringforme.Hetotallyunderstands.”
“Tuanisawesome.”MikawishedshehadapartnerlikeTuan.HehadonceenteredsomebicycleraceacrossCalifornia.Hewas
inpositiontowinsomebigmoneybuthadquitbecausehemissedCharlie“toodamnmuch.”Tobelovedlikethat,Mikathought,
alittlemelancholy.Once,shebelievedshewasinlove.Freshmanyearofcollege.She’dbeenfoolishthen.Sona?ve.Soeasily
takenadvantageof.Withashakeofherhead,MikasquasheddownanimageofPenny’sbiologicalfather.No,shedidn’tlike
torememberhim.

Charliemadeadismissivegesturewithherhand.“You’renotmissinganything.EverytimehewalkspastmeafterI’vegotten
outoftheshower,hegoes‘boobies.’”Sheheldherpalmsaloftasifhandlingtwomelons.“AndthenIspendaninordinate
amountoftimetryingtohithiminthegenitalswithhisownarm.”Shegrinned,thelovesickfool.

“Focus.”Hanaloungedinthebathtubagain.“Whatelse?”
Mikascrolledthroughhermemory.Anotherhourpassed.Thepartyquieted,thefrontdooropenedandshut.Tuanknockedand
saidheandHayatowereheadedtoabardownthestreet.Thelistgrew.

SchoolandCareer
Majoredinarthistory
Internshipwithalocalartmuseum
Hiredbyalocalartmuseum
Slowlyadvancedtoacurator
Savedenoughmoneytobecomeanartgalleryowner
Grandopening(twoweeksfromnow!)
Hobbies
Travel(hasbeenalloverEuropeandSouthAmerica)
Bicycling
LoveLife
Boyfriend:Leif,entrepreneur
Leifproposesregularly,butMikaisn’treadytosettledown
Charlieofferedtomakesomesortofflowchart.Mikadeclined.Finally,Charliedrewinadeepbreath.Sheshutherlaptop
withadecisiveclick.“ThewayIseeit,therearetwooptions.”

“Okay,”Mikasaidgravely.
“One,youtellPennythetruth.Comeclean.”
Mikaconsidereditforlessthanasecond.“Yeah.I’mnotsuperjazzedaboutthat.”
“Ortwo.Wecreatethislifeforyou.”
“I’mlistening,”saidMika.Herthroatknotted.Awantinggrewinherchest,makingitache.SinceplacingPennyforadoption,
Mikahaddreamedofmeetinghersomedayinperson.Granted,thefantasyusuallyinvolvedMikaonherwaytosomefabulous
destination,maybetheinstallationofherfirstpieceofartattheMet,withabriefstopoverinDayton.Justenoughtime
tohavelunchandseePenny’sfaceglowwithprideathavingcomefromMika—tobemadeofher.PennywouldneverlookatMika
likethatifsheknewMika’sliferesembledalate-stageJengatower.

Hanapipedin.“Howarewesupposedtodothat?”
Charliepuffedouthercheeks.“Well,mostofthisseemskindofmanageable.Likethehouse—”
“Mikaliveswithme,”Hanahelpfullyadded.
Mikablinked,sawHana’shouse.Thelawnwithweedsandassortedthorningplants.Theinsidefullofboxesandstacksofdusty
magazines.Thefridgewithanoddsmell.Mika’slevelofshamehitanall-timehigh.

“Yes,andyouliveinahouse,”Charlieenunciatedslowly.“OrI’mprettysureitis.Isacondemnedbuildingstillconsidered
adomicile?”

“Hardy-har-har,”Hanadeadpanned.
Mikalayhercheekagainstthecooltub.Itremindedherofslippingherhandsbetweenthecoldsheetsinthehospitalthe
dayshesurrenderedPenny.Touchhasamemory,itturnsout.Sheconcentratedonsomethingelse.Thehereandnow.Hana’s
goldhoopearrings.Tuan’srazorbalancingontheedgeofthesink.Charlieshakingherhead.

“Forgetit,”Charlieannounced.“We’llcallitahouse.Allweneedtodoistidyitupabit.”Charliehadalwaysbeenan
optimist.“Hobbies-wise,Tuanbikes,andI’mprettysurehecangiveyousomepointers,sometermstouse.”

“Whataboutthegalleryspace?”Hanaasked.ContrarytoCharlie,Hanahadalwaysbeenmoreofapessimist.
“Idon’tknow,”Charliesaid.“Butwecanfigureitout.Now,abouttheLeifsituation…”Charliepursedherlips,thinking.
PennyhadseenpicturesofLeif.TherewasnowayMikacouldhireanescort,evenifshecouldaffordit,whichshecouldn’t.
Charlieinhaledasifpreparingtosummonsomesortofancientdemon.“Youshouldcallhim.”

Mikascrewedherfaceup.“Boo.”Leifdidn’tknowaboutPenny.She’dbeencarefultokeepthatpartofherlifesecret.She’dhavetotellhim.She’dhavetoseehimagain.PreferablytherestofherlifewouldpasswithoutMikaspeakingtoLeif.
“Easy,”Charliesaid.TwowordsdescribedtherelationshipbetweenMikaandLeifbest:scorchedearth.Alltheirfriendsknew
nottoenterthathostileterritorylesttheybeburned.“Tuanseeshimallthetime.”MikasaidnothingaboutTuan’sfriendship
withLeif.Sheknewthetwowerestillbuddies.Tuanmadefriendslikepantspickeduplint.Charliecontinued,“He’sdoing
reallywellforhimselfsinceweedwaslegalized.He’sgothisownstoreandeverything.”

MikahopedLeifwasdoinggoodinthesamewayshehopedtogetgenitalwarts.Justthen,herphonerang.Anunknownnumber
flashedonthescreen.“It’sfromOhio,”Mikawhispered,recognizingtheareacode.

“IsitPenny?”Hanaasked.
Mikashookherhead.“No.”She’dfiledPennyinhercontacts.
“Don’tanswerit,”Hanasaid.
“Answerit,”saidCharlie.
Mikaslidthebuttontoacceptandputthephoneonspeaker.“Hello?”
“Hi.MikaSuzuki?”
“Speaking,”shesaid,anawfulknotofdreadforminginherstomach.
“ThisisThomasCalvin.Penelope’sfather.”Hisvoicewasdeep,alittleforbidding.Toosevere,grave.AnantidotetoPenny’sliveliness.ThiswasthemanwhoraisedMika’sdaughter?

Mikasaidnothing.Shestoodabruptly.Winesloshedfromhercup,andshelickedherfingerscleanwhilebalancingthephone
inherpalm.

“Hello.Areyouthere?”saidThomas
“I’mhere,”Mikareplied,cheeksaflame.
“Canyouspeaknow?Isthisanokaytime?Itsoundslikeyou’reinatunnel.There’sanecho.”
“I’minmygallery.”
Hanagavehertwothumbsup.
Charliehidherfaceinherhands.
“Look,Iapologizeforcallingoutoftheblue.Pennyinformedmeshe’splanningonvisitingyou.Ididn’tevenknowyoutwo
hadbeenspeaking.Ididn’tevenknowsheknewyourname.”Mikawinced.Oh,Penny,whathaveyoudone?IthadneveroccurredtohertoaskwhatPenny’sadoptivefatherknew,howhefeltaboutthemtalking.Theirconversations
hadbeensingularlyfocusedoneachother.Theirsimilarities,howtheywerebothemotionaleaters—happiness,sadness,boredom:
allofthemdeservedpie.Howtheyloveddogsbutwereallergic,eventotheoneswithhairinsteadoffur.They’dblocked
outtherestoftheworld,onlyexistingforeachother.“Forgiveme,butI’mshocked.It’snotlikehertokeepsecretsfrom
me.Andnowshe’spurchasedaplanetickettoPortland.I’m…well,I’mconcernedshehasn’tthoughtthingsthrough.”

“What’stheretothinkabout?”Mikasaid,automaticallydefensive.Hercheeksheatedwithinsecurities.WasThomasquestioning
Mika?Whoshewas?HerqualificationstobeinPenny’slife,tobeamother?

“Everything,”heansweredsharply.“Shespentallofherbirthdaymoneyontheticket.Shewassupposedtobeputtingthat
moneytowardhercollegefund.”Hepaused,wordshangingintheair.“I’lljust…I’lltellPenelopewe’vespoken,and
nowisn’tagoodtimeforhertovisit.Okay?”

“Yes,”Mikasaid.
“Excellent,”Thomassaid,andthenhewasquiet.
“Imeanno,”Mikasaidabruptly,surprisingherself.
“I’msorry?”ItwasclearpeopledidnotdisagreewithThomasoften.
“Itjustsohappensmyscheduleisclear,”Mikasaidbrightly.PennywantedtocometoPortland.AndMikawantedtomeetPenny
inperson.“I’dlovetomeetPenny.Gettoknowherbetterinperson.”

“You’reserious?”
“Absolutely.”
“Ms.Suzuki—”
“Mika,please.”
“Ms.Suzuki,Iappreciateyouwantingtohelp.Butwithallduerespect,youdon’tknowmydaughter.Penelopeisimpulsive.
Sheneedsdirection.Shehadotherspringbreakplans,otherplansforthatmoney…LikeIsaidearlier,Ijustdon’t
thinkshe’sthoughtthisthrough.”

Youdon’tknowmydaughterwastheonlythingMikaheard.Anditcutherdeeply.Shestruggledtoconcealthehurt,tomaintainaneventone.“Youknow,
whenpeoplearerunningtowardsomething,itoftenmeansthey’rerunningfromsomething.”

“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
Shethrustoutanarm.“It’sjustagenerallifeobservation.Maybeit’smorethanimpulsivity.PerhapsPennyisworkingthrough
somethings.”Mikarememberedherselfatsixteen.Drawing,hangingwithHana,searchingforabetterlife.Isn’tthatwhat
everyonedoes?WhatMika’sparentshaddonewhentheycametotheStates?WhatMikadidincollege?Mikahadyearnedformore.
SodidPenny.AndMikaunderstooddeeplytheemotionalpullofsomethinggreater,howirresistibleitcouldbe.

Hesighed,softenedtheteensiestbit.“Thatmaybetrue.She…Ithoughteverythingwasokay.Buthermother”—Mikaswallowedagainstthewordmother—“wroteherthislettertobeopenedonhersixteenthbirthday.Shewon’tletmereadit,buteversince,she’sbeenacting
differently.Thistrip…seeingyou,meetingyou,couldraisealotmorequestionsthanitanswers.”

“Thomas.MayIcallyouThomas?”Mikabegantopacethelengthofthetinybathroom.Threestepsforward.Pivot.Threesteps
back.“Iappreciateyourconcern.ButIwon’tturnPennyaway.”

“Ifshecomes.”Histonechanged.“Shewon’tbealone.I’llbeaccompanyingher.”
“Wonderful,”Mikasaid,feelingperverselygoodandsportinganoutragedgleaminhereyes.“Themore,themerrier.Please
givePennymybest.Ilookforwardtomeetingyouboth.Havetorunnow.”Mikawassweating.Somuch.“Nicetalk.”

“Wait—”
Shehungup.
“Whoa,”Charliebreathedout.
“Holyshit,”Hanasaid.
“So,optiontwo?”askedCharlie,smoothingherhandsoverherlaptop.
“Optiontwo,”Mikasaid,stillstaringatherphone.
Hanaheldherwineglassaloft.“I’llcheerstothat.”ChapterSeven
Muchhappenedoverthenextforty-eighthours.Pennysentherflightdetails.Thenfollowedupwithatext.Ugh,mydadiscomingtoo.ButI’msurewe’llbeabletoditchhim.Hewantsyouremail.CanIgiveittohim?HeisBEYOND.
Sorry.MikaagreedThomascouldhaveheremail.Whatelsecouldshedo?Soonenough,Thomassentaconfirmationhe’dbeonthesame
flightwithPenny.Healsoincludedasuggesteditinerary,leavingonthetrackchangesintheWorddocumentsotheycould
discuss,i.e.,negotiate,theschedule.Fuckinglawyers.

Detailswereagreedupon.
DayOne(Sunday):Arriveonflight3021,at10:21a.m.Itwouldtakethemapproximatelyfifteenminutestogofromtheirgate
tothebaggageclaim,whereMikawouldpickthemup.Bagsinhand,theywouldproceeddirectlytolunch.Pennyinsistedonfoodtrucks?Thomashadwritten,baffledbysuchanotion.Afterlunch,PennyandThomaswouldspendtheafternoonatthehotelresting
andhavedinnerinbecause,apparently,Thomaswasacantankerousoldmanlivinginsideacantankerousyoungerman’sbody.

DayTwo(Monday):They’dvisitthePortlandArtMuseum,wherefake-Mikahadinterned,andhavedinneratMika’shouse,wherefake-Mika’scharmingboyfriendLeifwouldjointhem.
Andonitwent.DayThree(Tuesday):DinneratoneofPortland’sMichelin-starredrestaurants.DayFour(Wednesday):Lunch
withHana…culminatingonDayFive(Thursday):Mika’sfauxgalleryopening.Theoneshe’drambledontoPennyabout.
Ihavethebestartist.He’sbrilliant.Ican’tbelievehehasn’tbeensnatchedupbyanothergallery.HowluckyamI?
Mikavacillatedbetweenpanicandexcitement.Fourteendays,scratchthat,twelvedays.Shehadlessthantwoweekstofakeherlife.LessthantwoweeksuntilshemetPennyinpersonagain.Thecountdown
hadbegun.

CharlieandHanapromisedtoaggressivelysupporther.Theyclearedtheireveningsandweekendstohelpherprep.Charlie
evenintendedtoaskthetechguyatherschooltoengineersomephotographsofMikaaroundtheworld.Thehouse.Thehobbies.
Allhandled.Orwouldbehandled.Twopieceswerestillmissing.ThegalleryspaceandLeif.Ofthetwo,Leifseemedeasier,
thelowest-hangingfruit.

AndLeifwasn’tansweringMika’sphonecallsortexts.Bastard.She’dtriedahalfdozentimes.Nothing.He’dreadhertexts.Shewassure.Thelittlebubblewiththreedotsappearedandreappearedlikehewasdecidingwhattosay,thensettledultimatelyonpassive-aggressivesilence.He’dlefthernochoice.ShestoodonNorthwestTwenty-ThirdAvenue,ahip,high-endshoppingdistrict.WhenTuangavehertheaddress,she’dbeensurprised.She’dthoughthisstorewouldbesomewheredeepinNorthPortlandnearsomeskeezystripbarnamedPirate’sBooty.Theoutsidedidn’tlooklikeaweedshop.Thewindowswerecoveredwithbeigebambooshades.Thename,Twenty-ThirdMarijuana—notsuperinventive,Mikathoughtsmugly—wasspelledinwoodenlettersandsoftlylitunderneath.Mikasighedandopenedthedoor.Whatever.
Ahugewhitedudewithnecktattoosstoodneartheentrance.“ID.”
Mikafishedherlicensefromherpurse.“I’mheretoseeLeif.”
HeshonealightonherID,lookedather,lookedattheID,thenhandeditbacktoher.“SeeAdelle.”Hepointedtoacool
whitechickwithaBettiePagehaircut.“Shehandleshisschedule.Youwanttobuyanything,it’scashonly.ATMislocated
inthecorner.”

“Thanks.”MikastuffedherlicensebackinherwalletandwanderedtowardAdelle.Leifownedthis?ThiscrossbetweenanApple
storeandaspa?Newagemusicplayed.Enyamaybe.Glasscountersframedinlightwoodshowcasedallsortsofparaphernalia—bud,
balms,bakedgoods.Itwasbusy.Thestorehummedwithtraffic—conversationsrevolvingarounddifferentkindsofhighs.“You
wantsomethingmellow?”sheheardaclerksay.

“Yeah,”thekidwearingaUniversityofPortlandsweatshirtreplied.“Justsomethingtotallychill.”
Adelleheldaclipboardandwasscribblingonit.AtMika’sapproach,sheglancedup.“WhatcanIhelpyouwith?”Shewore
atagwiththewordManageronit.

“I’mheretoseeLeif.”
Adelletiltedherhead,chewedonapieceofgum.“Doyouhaveanappointment?”
“Um,no.”
“Sorry.Leifseespeoplebyappointmentonly.Andhe’snotinanyway.”Shewentbacktoherclipboard.Therewasatattoo
ofakoionherarmandsomekanji.

“That’sanicetattoo.Whatdoesitsay?”
“Oh!”Adelleglancedup.“‘Fearless.’”
Nope.Mikahadtakencalligraphyforadecade.Itwasthekanjiforweasel.“Look,IknowLeifishere.Thetruckheconvertedtorunonrecycledvegetableoilisparkedoutback.”Mikastraightened,
feelingbraveandassertive.“Pleasetellhimthewomanwhoonceshavedhisbackishere.”

Adelle’smouthopenedandclosed.Shepoppedhergum.Thenshepickedupaphoneandhitabutton.“Yeah,hi.Sorrytobother.
Someoneisheretoseeyou.”SheappraisedMika.“Asian,short,andkindofangry…Sure.”Shehungup.“Youcangoon
back.”Shegesturedtoawhitedoorwithanemployeesonlysign.“Hisofficeisthelastoneontheright.”

Mikaheftedherpurseoverhershoulder.“Nicetomeetyou.”ShewasthroughthedoorbeforeAdellecouldanswer.
Leif’sofficedoorwasopenacrack.Mikadidn’tbotherknocking.Hedidn’tbothergettingupfromhisdesk.Shefocusedon
hisofficefirst.Notmuchtolookat.Prettysimplewithawhitedeskandgiantcomputer.Nowindows.Thenwithnoother
placetogo,hereyesfocusedonLeif.

Heleanedbackinhischair,adjustinghisbigbody.Hisnew,slimmerbigbody.Gonewasthepudgystomach,thefullnessinhisface.Nowhischeeksweresharpanglesunderafive-o’clockshadow.
Hislongblondhairhadbeenclippedandlayinapurposefulwreck.Herheartstoppedforamoment.Thefirsttimehe’dkissed
her,he’daskedpermission.Withgentlehandsthatgrewplants,he’dcuppedhercheeks.Iwanttokissyourightnow,canI?
“Well,well,well.”HisvoiceslicedthroughMika’smemory.“Lookwhodecidedtogracemewithherpresence.”
“Dale.”Leif’srealname.Hehatedit.“It’snicetoseeyou.”
Hislipsturnedupinarakishgrin,revealingwhiterteeththanMikaremembered.“Mik.”Shehatedthenickname.ItwastooclosetoMickey.“WishIcouldsaythesame.”
Shefakedasmile.Hefakedasmile.Itwasaduelofsorts.Mikasteppedinsidetheoffice,undeterred.Shefoldedherself
intoachair.“Makeyourselfathome,”Leifsnorted.

“Thisisaniceplace,”shesaidtightly.
“Ididtheconstructionmyself.”Leifpuffedupabit.“Solarpanelsontheroofkeepourenergybillstounderonehundred
dollarsamonth.We’reazero-wastefacilitytoo.Wecompostalmosteverything.”

“Wow.AlongwayfromsleepingonafutonandplayingFrisbeegolfallday.”Shepaused.Stuckhernoseupintheair.“I’ve
beentryingtogetaholdofyou.”

“Iknow.I’veactivelybeenavoidingyou.”Heleanedfartherbackinhisseatandspreadhislegswide.Dick.ThiswasnotherLeif.HerLeifwatchedTheBlairWitchProjectstonedinhisunderwear.Histopthreevalueswere:unbanking,tinyhouses,andHackySack.HerLeifhatedRonaldReagan.AteburritosinhottubsandhadafriendcalledMustachewhoserealnamehedidnotknow.HerLeifalwaysmadesurethefrontdoorwaslocked,thewindowstoo—mostlybecausehefearedsomeonemightstealhisstash.ButitmadeMikafeelsafe.Andhedidn’tmindthatshelikedtokeeptheirbedroomdooropenwhentheyhadsex.Oneofherquirks,Leifalwaysthought,likehowshehatedthesong“ReturnoftheMack”—whodoesn’tlovethatsong?Andwhenevershegotfiredfromajob,herLeifwouldputonclothesthatweretoosmallforhimanddancearoundtheapartmentsinging“fatguyinalittlecoat.”ThiswasnewLeif.NewLeifworetailoredjeansandstackedleatherbraceletsanddrankgreenjuice.NewLeifprobablyspentmostofhistimeworkingoutwhilepolishinghisangertowardhisexlikeawickeddagger.
Shefluffeduphertone.“Ineedafavor.”
Leifblinkedather.“No.”
Shewaitedforhimtoelaborate.Andwaited.So,notgoingtohappen.
“Haveaniceday.”Hepickedhisphoneupfromthedeskandstartedtoscrollthroughit.
“Leif.”Mikaworkedhardtokeephervoicesteady.“Youoweme.ForPuertoRico.”
HedroppedhisphoneandpressedahandtohisfineT-shirt-coveredchest.DidLeifhavepecsnow?“Ioweyou?”Therisein
hisvoicemadeMikaflinch.“Howso?”

AngershotthroughMikaassharpandhotaselectricity.“Itransporteddrugsforyou,”shehissed.Attheairport,he’dthrust
thebaggieather,eyesglitteringlikesomeonewhohaddiscoveredsomethingnewandentirelyunknown,somethingthatwould
changethecourseoftheworlditself.Justputtheminyourbag,babe.Please,thiscouldbethekeytogettingmybusinessofftheground—anewstrain.Wecould
berich.Andshe’ddoneit.Sweatingthroughsecurityandthewholeflight.

“Seeds,”Leifsaidasifoffended,asifshewasoverreacting.“Theywereseeds.”Heranahandthroughhishair.Shookhis
head.Gatheredhimself.

Oncehome,Leifhadbeenmoody,poutyYouneversupportmydreams,he’dsaid.

Flummoxed,Mikaanswered,ButIcarriedseedsforyou.
Leifdevolvedtodownrightpetulant.Butyoudidn’twantto.Idon’tthinkIcanbewithsomeonewhoisn’tonmyside.
Areyoukidding?Mikaspatout,thunderstruck.You’rebreakingupwithmebecauseItransporteddrugsforyoubutdidn’twantto?Itwentverybadveryquicklyfromthere.Somaybeshe’daccusedhisparentsofbeingfirstcousins.Thenwhenthatdidn’t
cutdeepenough,she’dcalledhisdreamsstupid.Whydoyouhavesuchahard-onfortinyhouses?she’dsaid,stuffingherclothesintoplasticgarbagebagswithhurricaneforceShe’dcalledHanatopickherup.You’llneveropenaweedstore.It’sabsurd.Thirty-twoandstillchasingrainbows.
AtleastIhavedreams,he’dsaid
Onherwayout,she’dslippedtheseedsthatmeantsomuchtoLeifinherpocket,thenfilmedherselfflushingthemdownthe
toilet.ShesentthevideotoLeif.Hesentasinglewordback—Bitch.Towhichshereplied,Fuckoffimmediatelyandforever,Leif.Andthat’swheretheyleftthings.

ShameburnedMika’sface.Shesmoothedherhandsoverherknees.“Look,I’msorryIimpliedyourparentswerefirstcousins
and…foreverythingelse.Irealizenowhowunsuitedwewereforeachother.”Theirrelationshiphadbeenlikeaminor
trafficaccident.They’drear-endedeachother,thenbeenboundtogetherinawayneitherhadeverintended.Theyweren’t
builttolast.Mostofthetime,Leifhadbeenhigh(sometimeshe’dtakepillstoo).Mikahadbeenemotionallyclosedoff.
Leifdidn’tknowaboutPenny,butshewasalwaysthere,aplateofglassbetweenthem.Hesenseditfromtimetotime.When
Mikawouldgosilent.Whenshe’dstarevacantlyintoapotorpan,burningfood.Butshecouldn’tbringherselftotellhim.
Lethimseeallthosedarkspaceswithinher.Whatwouldhethink?Anyway,Leifwantedtobenumb;Mikaalreadywas.Shehadn’t
feltalivesince…well,foralongtime.

“You’rerightaboutthat.”Heshookhishead,signalingonethousandregrets.
Theysatforamoment.Silence,thickandheavy,settledintheroom.“Ineedyourhelp,”shesaidatlast.Herstomachdropped.Hehadherwherehewantedher,bellyupandwavingawhiteflagofsurrender.Ifhesaidnoagain,she’dgohomeandconcoctanewstorytotellPenny.Leifwasinaboatingaccident.He’smissingatsea,presumeddead.It’ssad,butI’llmoveon.Doyouknowanysinglemale
thirty-somethings?Butthenagain,shewantedPennytoseeherwithLeif.ToseeMikalovedbysomeone.Worthyoftheiraffection.“Sixteenyears
ago,Igaveababyupforadoption.”Thewordswereoutbeforeshecouldsnatchthemback.

Shestaredathim.Triedtoreadhisface.Themuscleinhisjawworked.Atlength,hestoodabruptlyandgrabbedhiskeys
fromthedesk.

“Please,Leif.”Mikastood,blockinghisexit.
Hepeereddownather.“C’mon,Mika.”Hisvoicewasvelvetandwaytoonice.“Ihaven’teaten.Let’sgogetabite.Mytreat.”
Mikawasrenderedspeechless.Shedidn’tknowwhattodowiththisnewLeif.Didn’tknowwhattodowithherself.“Okay,”
shesaiduncertainly.

Hismouthturnedup,acrossbetweenarake’ssmileandoldLeif’s.“Thoughtso.Youneverturndownafreemeal.”
Shehateditwhenhewasright.
***
LeifguidedMikatoadinerdownthestreet.Sheorderedadoublestackofpancakesandasideofbacon.Leifhadasalad,
nodressing,andseemedconfusedwhentheydidn’thavebonebroth.Inbetweenbites,shetoldLeifaboutPenny,aboutthe
lies.Allofit.Whenshefinished,Leifpickeduphisglassofwater,drinkingandwatchingherovertherim.“Well?”Mika
toreaparthernapkin,ballingthepiecesupandliningthemupalongtheedgeofthetableliketinysoldiers.

Heplacedthewaterdown,wipedahandacrosshisface.“Jesus,givemeaminute.You’vehitmewithalotofinformation.
Ialwaysfeltlikeyouwerehidingsomething.”Leifprocessedthingsoutloud.“Ithoughtmaybeyouweren’tintomeandwere
intoHana…”

Mikaraisedamystifiedbrowathim.Hewasserious.Hecouldn’tbeserious.“Really?Thatwasyourgo-to?That’sbeenliving
inyourheadthiswholetime?”Suchaguythingtoassume.She’snotintome,soshemustbealesbian.“Pleasetellmeyouregoisn’tthatfragile.”

Faintpinklinesslashedhischeeks.“You’reright.Sorry.Butitwasn’tallinmyhead,though,right?Youweren’tintoHana,
butyoureliedonherinawayyouneverreliedonme.”

“That’strue,Iguess.”MikaturnedtoHanawhentimeswerehard.EveryyeararoundPenny’sbirthday,Mikawouldpackup.
Girls’trip,she’dsay.ThenspendtheweekatHana’s,ignoringLeif’sphonecallsandopeningherselftotheunfairnessoflife.The
inexplicablesorrow
“Whatabout,Imean,canIaskaboutPenny’sbiologicalfather?Doesheknowabouther?”
“Hedoesn’tgettoknowabouther,”shesaidsharply.
“Okay,”Leifsaidcarefully,watchingher.
“He’snottheissue,”Mikasaidinatumbledrush.“TheissueisPenny,andshe’scomingtotown,andshethinksyou’remyadoringboyfriend.”
“Mika,”Leifsaid,withsuchnakedgriefonhisface,Mikahadtoturnawaylestshebecomeundone.Thewaitressbroughtthe
check.Leifwithdrewawadofcashfromhiswalletandsetitonthetray.“Ineedsomeair.”Hewalkedout,Mikacatching
thedoorandchasingafterhimashewent.ThispartofTwenty-Thirdwasn’ttoobusy.Abicyclistshotby.Amommeandered
pastwithatoddler.

“Leif,”shesaidashepausedatthecorner.“Ican’tdothiswithoutyou.”Herthroatbobbed.“Ineedyou…Ineedthis.”

Fivewholeagonizingsecondshestaredather,headcockedtotheside,eyessearching.“Alright,”hesaid,althoughitsounded
verymuchtheopposite.“I’lldoit.”

Mikasmiledeartoear.“Youwill?”
“Fortherecord,thisgoesagainstmybetterjudgment.”Heopenedhishands.“Butifitmeansthatmuchtoyou…”
“Itdoes.Morethananything.”
“TellmewhatIhavetodothen.”
Shegavehimthedateandtime,andhewroteitdownonhisphone.“Maybewearasuitorsomething.I’llsendyouawrite-up
witheverythingI’vetoldPenny.Butthehighlightsare:we’remadlyinlove,I’mstartingupmyowngallery,andyou’rein
agriculture,butIdidn’tspecifywhichtype.”Shepaused.“ThenIcanmakeexcusesforyoutherestoftheirvisit.”

Hesighed.“Okay.Done.”
“Also,youtookmetoHamiltonopeningnight.”Shepaused.“Wemetthecast.”

“Wow.”
“Itwassuperromantic.Yousurprisedme,andafter,wekissedinTimesSquare.”
“I’mimpressedwithmyself.”
Shesquintedathim.“It’sgoingtobeokay.”
Leifspunhiskeys.“Chancesarefifty-fiftythisexplodesinyourface.”Hetonguedhischeek.“Whatareyoudoingfora
galleryspace?”

“Idon’thavethatpartfiguredoutyet.IthoughtI’dtellPennyit’sbeingrenovatedorsomething.”
“She’sgoingtowanttoseeit.”
“Idon’tknow.”Mikaflickedahand.“Icantellherthereisasbestosorsomething.”Howeasywasittolienow?Tooeasy.
Sheconsoledherselfwiththethoughtthattheliesweren’tsignificant.ItwasthelovesheandPennyshared.Thatwasreal.
That’swhatmatteredthemost.

“Imighthaveaspaceforyou.It’saplaceIowninNorthPortland…awarehouse.IthoughtI’duseitasagrowhouse.
Butthenalltheseartistsstartedopeningupstudiosdownthestreetbecausetherentwascheap.Idecidedtogowithwhat
theuniversewastellingmeandflipittostudios.”Mikablinked,surprised—anindustrialzoneturnedartistlair.Leifscratched
thebackofhishead.“Anyway,abuddyofmineisanartist,andhe’sbeenusingthespace.Wouldprobablyletyoudisplay
hisworkifyouwanted.”

Withoutthinking,MikaflungherarmsaroundLeif.“Thankyou.”Shepressedherfaceintohischest.Hestillusedthesame
soap.Buthedidn’thavethebitoffataroundhismidsectionanymore.Shemissedhislovehandles.He’dconfessedoncekids
madefunofhiminschool—pinchingandpokingathissides.Sheshould’vetoldhimhowmuchshelovedhisbody.Howthesex
wasalwaysbetterwhenyourpartnerwasalittleflawed.Itmadeherlessinhibited.Shedidn’tmindLeifseeingallherjiggly
partsthen.

“You’rewelcome.”Hereturnedthehugwithonearm.
Mikapulledbackandsquintedagainstthesunlight.“Hey,doyourememberthattimeinWholeFoodswhenyouaskedthecheckout
persontotypeinthebarcodesbecauseyoudidn’twantlaserstouchingyourfood?”

“Ido.”Hiseyesglintedwithhumor
“That’sthemostannoyingyou’veeverbeen.”
Hesteppedawayfromher.“I’mgoingtohaveAdellesendyousomeliteratureonlasersandfoodhandling.”
“Dothat.”Mikawashalfwaydownthestreetbeforesheturnedandyelled,“Andwhileyou’reatit,tellherthekanjionher
armmeans‘weasel.’”ShegaveLeifajauntywave.“Letmeknowaboutthegallery.”
ChapterEight
“Wakey,wakey.”ThenextSaturdaymorningMikastoodoverHana’sbed,holdingtwocups.
Hanagroaned.“Goaway.”
“Getup,lotstodotoday,”shechirped.“I’vegotawholelifetofakeandonly”—Mikacheckedherwristwheretherewasno
watch—“eightdaystodoit.I.Am.Freaking.Out.Also,yourboobisout.”

Hanagrumbledandsatup,adjustinghershirttocoverherself.“I’mputtingalockonmydoor.Areyouwearingoveralls?”
“Youlike?”Mikaposed.
“Idonot.WeneedtodosomethingaboutyourwardrobebeforePennycomes.Idon’tthinkyourWalmartchicisgoingtocut
it.”

MikahandedHanaacup.“Nottoworry.CharlieisgoingtooutfitmeinherbestI-am-a-kindergarten-teacherbusinesscasual
clothing—akamyAnnTaylornightmare.Clothesmakethewoman.Orunmakeher.Let’sgo.We’reabouttoembarkonano-expenses-paid
triptocleaningthehouse.”

Hanatookadrinkandspititbackintothecup.“Whatthefuck?”
“It’stepidapplekombucha.Igotitfromthegoatyogastudiodownthestreet.”
“It’sdisgusting.”
“It’swhatMika2.0isdrinkingnow.Sheisveryintoprobioticsandhealthyliving.Shecannotgetenoughbicycling,especially
thetinyseatsthatimplantthemselvesinyourrearend.Sheenjoysthosethemost.”Mikasethercupdown,squeezingitbetween
abreadmakerinaboxandfourdeadplants.ShestoopedandpickedupaT-shirt,shakingitout.“Thisshirtsmellslike
smokeandbaddecisions.”ShetossedittoHana.“Putiton.”

“Pleasestopreferringtoyourselfinthethirdperson.”Hanathrewanarmoverhereyes.
“Hana,”Mikasaidmock-seriously.“Let’stakelifebytheshortandcurlies.”
“Ohmygod,neverusethattermagain.”
“C’mon,Ihavedonutsinthekitchen.”
ThatgotHanamoving.Shewanderedfromherroom,shirtsanspants.Sheleanedagainstthecounterandnibbledonamaple
bar.“What’stheplan?”

“CharlieandTuanareontheirwayoverwithatruck.AndsoisHayatobecausehedoesn’thaveanythingbettertodo.We’re
goingtostartby—”Mikasearchedforthecorrectphrase.Performinganexorcism?Burningeverythingtotheground?“Decluttering.Thenthisafternoon,we’llworkabitintheyard.Wewon’tgetitalldonetoday.”

Hanaputhermaplebardownonasaucershe’dpurchasedfromanestatesaleacrossthestreet.Shetouchedabox,curledher
handsoverastackofArchitecturalDigestmagazines.Theyhadherex-girlfriendNicole’snameonthem.“Idon’tknow,”shesaid,astubbornedgetohervoice.

MikagentlypriedHana’sfingersfromthemagazinestack.“Maybewestartsmall,likewiththeshoesintheoven?”
Hanainhaledthroughhernose.“Okay.Okay.”
MikacoaxedHanaintoputtingonpants,andtwentyminuteslater,CharlieandTuanarrivedinabrightgreentruck:b.j.’sjunkandhaul.Hayatoappearedaroundthattimetoo,sayingsomethingaboutmovingandhowitwastheworst.Theydidn’tcorrecthim.Hana
hadbeenlivinginthehouseforyears.

Theyworkedthroughtheday.Cleaningoutthefridgeofpetrifiedmeatloaf,chunkymilk,andcongealedkimchi.Openingboxes,
unpackingthem.PlacingitemstokeepontheclearedkitchentableanditemstodiscardinthetruckTuanhadborrowed.It
wasmoreofamessthanwhentheystarted.Tuaninstalledabicyclerack,andCharliebroughtclothesforMikatowear,plus
somebikeoutfits.

“Pennyisn’tgoingtogothroughmydrawers,”MikasaidasCharliestuffedjerseysandLycrashortsintoherdresser.
Charlieheldupahandfulofgarments.“Thisisconfidencespandex.”
Whenthehousegrewtoowarmandstifling,theymovedoutsidetothelawn.Charlieslappedonapairofgardenglovesand
startedweeding.TuanandHayatoprunedthegiantoakinthefrontyard—eachfall,itdroppedsomanydeadanddirtyleaves,
theneighborscomplained.

MikawanderedtothebackyardtofindHana.“Charliewantstoruntothegardenstoreandpickupsomeannuals?Atleast,Ithinkthat’swhatshesaid.I’massumingshemeantflowers.Wanttocomewith?Whatareyoudoing?”HanahadherbacktoMikaandahoseinherhand.MikacircledaroundtoHana’sfront,dehydratedgrasscrunchingunderfoot.“I’mprettysurethattreeisdead.”Hanawasshoweringasmall,brown,malnourishedmaple.
“NicoleandIplantedit.Itwasthefirstthingwedidwhenwemovedin.”
Mikaeyeditwarily.“Idon’tknowifit’ssalvageable.”
Hanashookherhead.Atinycreasebetweenhereyebrows.Sadness.“I’mgoingtoloveitbacktolife.”
Charlietrompedtowardthem.“Forgetthegardenstore.”Shepulledoffhergloves.“I’mbeat.Anyonereadyforadrink?”
Hanadroppedthehose.“I’llgettheglasses.”
Attheendoftheday,musclesMikadidn’tevenknowshehadached.Shelayinbed,watchingherceilingfanturninlazy
circles,didn’tevenhavetheenergytotakeoffhershoes—hermotherwoulddie.Thekitchenandfamilyroomwereamess,
butalltheboxesweregone.Progress.Herphonechimed.Shefishedaroundherbedforit.Twotexts.ThefirstfromLeif.
Anaddressfollowedby:Stanleyiscoolwithyoudisplayinghiswork,buthe’sworkingintherethisweek,soyouwon’tbeabletogetintothespace
justyet.
TheothermessagewasfromPenny.Soexcitedtoseeyou,justoveraweektogo!FaceTimetomorrow?
Mikareplied,Yes,FaceTimetomorrow.Superexcitedtoo.Spenttodaygettingmyplacereadyforyoutosee.Mika’seyesflutteredclosed.Herphonebeeped.Pennyagain.Ihopeyou’renotgoingtoanytroubleAllMikacoulddowaslaugh.

***
Fiveexcruciatingdayslater,Hana,Charlie,andMikagatheredfordinnerinthenewlycleanedhouse.Thefloorshadbeen
scrubbed.Thewallspainted.Thelawnhadbeenmowed,andlittlefloweringplantsborderedthewalkwaytothefrontdoor.
Tuanhadevenrepairedthecrackintheceiling.They’darrangedthefurniturearoundthefireplaceandsetpicturesonthe
mantleofMikaallovertheworld—doctoredbythetechguyatCharlie’sschool.Therewasacozyarmchairyoucouldimagine
readingbooksinonarainyday.Herbedroomhadafreshwhiteduvetandalittlecrystallampwithadishforjewelryon
thenightstand.

Thekitchencounterswerecleared,anditwasairyandlight,withabigwindowoverlookingthebackyard.They’dstrungthe
fairylightsupagainandsprayeddownanoldpicnictable,settingitwithhurricanevasesandwhitecandles,re-creating
Mika’sInstagrampicture.Newgleamingsmallappliancesgracedthegranitecountertop.AllthankstoHana’slate-nightQVC
purchases.IwasmakingNicoleahome,she’dsaidastheypluggedthemin.Adelicategreenfernandawhiteorchidadornedthemiddleofthediningtable.It
wasallfresh-bakedbreadandnightsbythefireandsunnydaysmakingjam.Mika’sheartliftedintoasmilewhenseeingit.
Shecouldhaveraisedababyhere.Couldhavecomehereaftertravelingtheworldoraharddayatworkinhergallery.The
processremindedMikaofwhenshe’dbeeninhighschool.Sheusedtobuypaintingsfromthethriftstorebecauseshecouldn’t
affordnewcanvases.She’dstripthemdownorpaintoverthem.Createsomethingnew.Somethingbetter.

“Notbad,notbadatall.”Charlieslumpedbackagainstthecouch.Tonight,theywerehavingpadthaiandpho.Onelasthurrah
beforePennycame.

Inbetweenbitesofnoodles,MikagluedpicturesintoascrapbookforPenny.CharlieandMikahadspreadoutphotographsonthecoffeetabletopickthroughthem.Hanahadbeenoddlydistantthelasthour,focusingonherwine,optingtodrinkherdinner.
“Oh!Definitelyputthisonein.”CharliehandedMikaapicture.
TheglossysnapshotwasofheratPenny’sage.Sixteenandinfrontofaneasel,acharcoalsketchbehindher.Now,Mikarubbed
herfingertipstogether,rememberingthegrittycharcoalbetweenherfingers.Howgooditfelttocreate.Thatburstasif
youweregoingtocomeoutofyourskin.Mikaplacedthephotobackonthetable.Attheportrait,Hiromihadbroughther
eyesclosetothepaperandsniffed.Youdrewthis?Youdidn’ttraceit?Mikahadspentagoodportionofherchildhoodconvincinghermothershecoulddraw,thenherfirstcollegeyearpersuading
Hiromishedeservedto.“Notthisone.”

Charliefrowned.“Okay…”shesaidcarefully.ToCharlie,itwasamystery—whydidn’tMikapaintanymore?OnlyHanaknew
thetruth.“Youweresogood.”

Were.Theoperativeword.Allthat,thepainting,thetraveling,wasaghostlifenow.Somethingthatcouldhavebeenbutwasn’t
evermeanttobe.“Isthereoneofmyparents?”Mikaasked.

Hanarefilledherwine.
“Here.”Charliehandedoveranotherphotograph.ThisoneofMika,agesix,withHiromiandShige,posingaroundabrand-newboxtelevision.ShigehadboughtittowatchKristiYamaguchiskateintheOlympics.Threeyearslater,theywouldwatchtheSupremeTruthterroristattacksinJapanonit—Hiromistayedupallnightcallingrelatives,weepingwiththem.Mika’shandswerefoldedneatlyinfrontofherinthephotograph,andherhairsportedtheclassicAsiankidbowlcut.Behindher,Hiromiworeapairofacid-washmomjeansandgoldglasseswitharose-coloredtint,herhandclutchingMika’sshoulderlikeawarning—Donotgofarfromme
Mikaplacedthesnapshotinthescrapbook.“Perfect.”Pennymightaskaboutherbiologicalgrandparents.Mikawouldmakeup
someexcuse—They’reonacruise,maybeyou’llmeetthemnexttime.ExceptMikaknewthat,despitewhatPennymightbelieveatthismoment,therewouldbenonexttime.Herdaughterwascoming
tomeetherbiologicalmother,getanswers,andthenshewouldbecomecaughtupinherreallifeagainandleaveMikabehind.
Mikaknewenoughaboutherselftoknowshewasonlytobelovedforaseason,notalifetime.

ThereweremanyphotographsofHanaandMikainhighschool.Mikastaredatone.Ofthetwodowntown.Hana’sarmslungaround
Mika,protestersbehindthem,handsclutchingasísepuedesign.They’dskippedschooltoattendafarmworkerdemonstration.Mikawasn’tsurewhattheywereprotesting—itwasmore
Hana’sthing—butitfeltgoodtoyell.Tochant.Tomakeascene.HanahadhelpedMikafindhervoice.Itwasloudandpowerful.
Shestuckthephotointhealbum.

Next,MikapickedupaPolaroidHanahadsnappedofher.Itwasherfirstdayofcollege,andshewassmilingasifitwere
Christmasmorning.HiromithoughtMikawouldmajorinbusinessandliveathome,butartandthedormshadalwaysbeenher
intention.

HanaandMikahadfilledouttheirfinancialaidandhousingpaperworktogetherandreceivedPellGrants.Thenightbeforeshemovedintothedorms,Mikahadwatchedtheclock,waitingforninep.m.tostrike,thehourHiromiusuallyturnedin.Whenhermotherwasthemosttired.Theleastlikelytobeupforafight.Asherfathershutoffthetelevision,Mikasteeledhernervesandannouncedthatshewasmovingoutandmajoringinart.Handsballedintofists,she’dbeenreadytosetherlifedownforherdream.

Ungrateful,Hiromihadcalledher.Shewasinherhouserobe.Shigewouldn’tlookatMikaThisgirlthinksshe’sgoingtobeapainter,HiromihadspatouttoShige.ThenturnedherwrathonMika.You’llneverbeanartist.You’llwasteyourlife.Go.HiromihadflickedahandatMika,thevibrationofhermother’sangersoheavyitmighthaveknockedtheteethfromMika’s
mouth.Youhateitheresomuch,thenleave.MaybeI’llfinallygetsomesleep.MikahadpackedandspentthenightatHana’s.Ithadrained.Mikaswipedawaytearsandcomfortedherselfthatshedidn’t
wanttostayathomeanyway,wasteanothermomentlivingwithawomanwhowishedtoannihilateher.Shehadaspirationsof
grandeur.Agirlbrokenandbreakingout.

ThedormroomwasthefirsttimeMikafeltlikearealartist,thedingywalls,thehissingradiator,thewardrobebursting
withblackclothes.Shewasalwaysfiveminutesearlyforeverything.God,sherememberedalwayswatchingtheclock,unable
towaitforherreallifetobegin.Shepaidsomuchattentiontotheminutesandhours.Infact,sheknewtheexacttime
Pennywasconceived.Hadturnedherheadandseentheclockonthenightstand.12:01a.m.Thedigitalnumbersthesamecolor
redasthedotasniperusestomarktheirtarget.ButMikadidn’tpaytoomuchattentiontotimeanymore.Sheletithappily
passby.Shepressedthephotointothealbum,castingathumbprintoverhershiningfacewithasigh.

ThelastphotographtheyincludedwasofMika,sevenmonthspregnantwithPenny.Shewassmilingandcurledintoanarmchair
likeasmallanimal,hairsweptupintoapairofspacebuns.

Hanaswirledthewineinherglass,somethingpercolatinginherfacialexpression.“Excuseme,”shesaid,thendisappearedoutthebackdoor.
Ofcourse,CharlieandMikaracedtofollowher.TheywatchedHanathroughthewindowasshestompedtothesadmalnourished
maple,theoneshehadplantedwithNicole.Shebent,grabbedthetrunkwithbothhands,andpulled.Itdidn’tbudge.

“Doyouthinkweshouldgetherashovel?”Charliewhispered.
“No,Ithinkshe’shavingamoment,”saidMika.
Hanaletoutsomesortofweird,sad,halfbattlecry.Sheplacedherhandsaroundthetrunkagainandpulledandpulleduntil
finally,thedeadrootssnappedandgaveway.Hanatumbledbackwiththeforceofit,landingonherass.Shesatforamoment,
chestheaving,cheeksflushed,andeyeswild.Thensheglancedup,connectingeyeswithMikaandCharliethroughthewindow.

Charlieheldupherwineglass.SodidMika.Theyclinkedthemtogether,asilentcheers.“Tonewbeginnings,”Charliesaid.
“Tohighhopes,”Mikaadded.ChapterNine
OnSunday,MikawaitedatthePortlandairportinbaggageclaim.Fivetimesshe’dcheckedherphonealready,trackingPenny
andThomas’sflight.Ithadbeenearly,landedtwentyminutesago.Butnosignofthemyet.WhatifPennyhadchangedher
mind?WhatifThomashadchangedPenny’smind?Shescannedthecrowds.Ayoungkid,parentssmilingbehindhim,rantoward
anoldercouple.“Grandpa,Grandma!”hecried.Aslimguydroppedhisduffelandembracedsomedudeinabeanie.Adark-haired
girlwithabounceinherstepwalkedalongsideatall,handsomeman.Itallcametogetherinhermind,acarcrashofarevelation.

PennyandThomas.Theywerehere.Finally.

Mika’ssmilewidened.Awarmfeelingspreadinsideher,serotoninpeaking.PennysawMikaandracedforward.Mikathought
ofmoviesshe’dseeninwhichchildrentaketheirfirststeps,parentsholdingouttheirarms.PennystoppedshortofMika,
andtheystaredateachother.Thereshouldbesomeothermusicplaying,Mikathought.Piano.Alovesong.Thedaysuddenlytookonahazy,softqualityasifinadream.

Pennyspokefirst.“CanIhugyou?”sheaskedshyly.
“Yes,please.”Mikaopenedherarms,andPennysteppedforwardintothem.Shekepthertouchlighteventhoughshewantedtosqueeze,toholdontight,toneverletgoagain,tolivethere.Mikawasfilledwithsomuchdesiretoloveshemightburst.
Thomassaunteredovertothem,anditwaslikeadarkcloudhadshiftedoverthesun.
Pennypulledaway.Thomasnudgedhisdaughter.“ThisisthefirsttimeI’veeverseenyouspeechless,”hesaid,warmthin
histone.Maybehewasn’tsobadafterall.

Mikaforcedherselftomakeeyecontactwithhim.Sheshouldhavebracedherself.Sharpcheekbones.Lightgreeneyes.Messy
darkhaironthelongersidebuttrimmednicely,withtheslightesthintofsaltandpepper.Thomaswasattractive.Hot.Somuchno.Nope.Never.Mikachastisedherself.Feelingdeeplyuncomfortable,herfacegrewwarm.

“Thom,sonicetomeetyou.Mika.”Shestuckoutherhand.
“Thomas,”hecorrected,allthatwarmthforPennybleedingfromhisvoice.Theyshookhands,hisgripfirmandsure—Mika’s
clammyandsoft,deadfish–like.

“I’msoterrifiedandthrilledrightnow.I’mnotevensurewheretostart.”Penny’snailswereshortandpaintedbrightpink.
Sheworearingonherrightmiddlefingerandtwistedit.

MikaturnedherattentiontoPenny,stillfeelingtheheatfromThomas’sstare.“Let’sgetyourluggageandsomefood.Sound
good?”

“Perfect,”Pennysaid.
Mikasmiled.SodidPenny.Itwaslikelookinginamirror.LikeseeingMikaatagesixteen,seeingherselfyoungandhopeful,
seeingherbefore
***
“Yousureyoudon’twantsomehelp?”Thomasshiftedimpatientlyintheparkinggarage.Carsbeeped,andenginesstarted.A
faintscentofexhaustclungtotheair.Theweatherwasokay,though,thesunshining.Itwasoneofthosedaysthatmade
ithardtobeinabadmood.Well,hardforsomepeople.Thomasseemedtohaveperfectedquietandbroodingnomatterthe
weather.He’sarealtrouperthatway.
“No,I’vegotit.”Mikafumbledwiththekeys.She’dborrowedCharlie’scar,ausedVolvo,todrivePennyandThomasaround
in.ItwasanupgradefromherownrustedCorollawithducttapeholdingtogetherasidemirrorafteranunfortunatecollision
withatree.Only,thebatteryseemedtohavespontaneouslydiedonthekeyfob,andMikahadtodothingstheold-fashioned
way,i.e.,usetheactualkeys.She’dmanagedtounlockthedoorsbutcouldn’tfindthetrunkrelease.“It’sfine.”

“Yes.You’vesaidthatsixtimesalready.”Thomasshiftedonhisfeet.
“Ijustneverusethetrunk,that’sall,”Mikasaid,halfinsidethecar,bentoverthefrontseatandacutelyawareherass
wasintheair,andbothPennyandThomaswerewatchingher.“Holdon,IthinkI’vealmostgotit.”Butreally,shehadremoved
herphoneandwastextingCharlie.Howdoyouopenyourfuckingtrunk?
“Here,letme.”Thomas’svoicewascloser.Mikaputherphonefacedownandstraightened.Theywerenearlychesttochest.Thomas’smouthtwistedinthedimnessofthegarage.“MayI?”
“Oh,um,sure,Iguess,”Mikasaid,visiblyembarrassedwithherself.SheshuffledbacknexttoPennynearthetrunk.
Thomasfoldedhislongbodyandpeeredintothecab.“Hereitis,”hesaidwaytooquickly.Throughthebackwindow,Mika
watchedhimpullalever.Thetrunkpoppedopen.

“He’sawesomewithcars,”Pennysaid.Thomascameback,asmirkonhisface,exudingsuperiority.
Heeasedopenthetrunk.“Thoughtyousaidyouneverusedthis?”hedrawled.
“What?”Mikacametohisside,carefultokeepafootofdistancebetweenthem.Great.Charliehadforgottentocleanoutthetrunk,whichcontained:anemergencyroadsidekit,somedrycleaning,andaboxfull
ofCDs,marked“Todonate.”

ThomaspickedaCDfromthetopofthepile.“Slowjams,musictomakeloveto,”thecoverread.Hetiltedhisheadather,
squintinghiseyesthetiniestbit.

MikapluckedtheCDfromhishandsandthrewitbackonthepile.Sheshutthetrunk.“Ithinkwe’lljustusethebackseat
foryourbags.”

AtinypoutydentformedbetweenThomas’seyebrows.“Puttheluggageinthebackseat?Thewheelsaredirty.”
“Bagsinthebackseatarefine.I’llsitwiththem.Ifiteasilyintosmallspaces,”Pennysaid,sharingasmilewithMika.
Theywerethesameheight,justunderfive-two.Mikadidn’tknowhowtallCarolinewas,butThomaswasoversixfeetatleast.
NowitwasMika’sturntofeelsmug.Igaveherthat,herheight,herslightframe,shethought.

Thomasmadeanoiseinhisthroat.“Great.”
“Great,”PennysaidasThomasbegantoplacethebagsinthebackseat.“Let’sgotolunch.Fairwarning,I’vebeenonawickedtrainingregimen,andIamtakingabreak.I’llbeplayingitfastandloosewithfoodtoday.”Sherubbedherhandstogether,anI-came-to-playsmileonherface.“Getreadytoseesomethings.”
***
ThomasvisuallyshudderedwhenMikapulleduptothecurb,parkingnearCartlandia,ameccaoffoodtrucks.Seeingthis,her
happinessindexlevelupped.Hisfavoritemealisprobablyuntoastedbread
“Ithinkthere’ssomethingforeveryonehere,”Mikasaidastheysteppedfromthevehicle.Theairwasspicedwithcurry,
miso,androastedmeats.Overthirtyfoodtruckswerepermanentlyparkedinthespace.Whitetentshadbeenpitchedwithfolding
tablesunderneath.

PennyandMikastrodeforward,andThomasfollowedbehind,armsfolded—asignofhispeacefulprotest.Theyagreedtotake
areconnaissancelap,scopingoutwhatmightbegood.PennyandMikahappilychatteredbetweenreadingmenus.Turnsout,Penny
hatedJackKerouac.She’ddownloadedacopyofOntheRoadandstartedreadingontheflight.

“I’msorry,”shesaid.They’dstoppedinfrontoftheBall-Zfoodtruck,whichservedupball-shapeddishesoftheworld.“Imean,Igetwhyyouprobablylikedit.Buthe’ssupersexist.Therepresentationofwomenisterribleexceptwhenhetalksabouthismother,whomheseemstorespect.”
“Butdidn’tyouliketheenergyinthewords?Hewrotethenovelinthreeweeks.Isn’tthatamazing?It’ssovisceral.It
mademeregreteverstandingstill.”OntheRoadmadeMikawanttoexploretheworld.Haverollingbonesandchaseherdreams.“It’swhatoriginallyinspiredmetotravel
andstudyart.”

“It’sjustnotinclusiveenoughforme.ThewholeBeatGenerationwasbasicallyabunchofwhitemenhavingaseriousbromance.”
“Pointtaken.”
“ButI’mgladitworkedforyou.”
“Itserveditspurpose.”
Theymovedalong,Thomasafootortwobehind.Mikapicturedacartoonsheoncesaw,wherearaincloudtrailedthemaincharacter.
Backwheretheystarted,Pennytappedherlips.“Doyouthinktheramenisgood?”

“Oh,it’sthebest.Ieatitallthetime.I’llhavethesame.Whydon’tIgetit,andyoutwofindaseat?Thomas,whatdo
youwant?”

“I’lltakewhateveryourecommend.”She’drecommendsomethingforThomas,alright.Youcouldn’tgowrongwithramen.Butmaybe
she’daskfordoubleajitsuketamago,asoft-boiledeggsoakedinmirin.Itwasdelicious,butthecustardyolkmightbeoff-putting
toThomas.Heshifted,removinghiswalletfromhisbackpocket,andthenofferedMikaacoupleofcrisptwenties.

Mikaputupahand.“Mytreat.”Nowayshe’dletThomaspayforher.Thecashhungintheairbetweenthem.MikathoughtThomasmighttrytowrestlethebillsintoherhand.“Iinsist.”Mikafluffeduphertoneandsmiledoverbrightly.“Berightback.”Shescootedoff.
Mikaorderedandhandedoverhercardtobeswiped.Shecouldn’taffordthemealandcouldpracticallyhearthechangeplopping
fromherbankaccount.Should’vetakenThomas’smoney.Itwouldn’tbethefirsttimeshe’dcutoffhernosetospiteherface.Theordercameupfast,andMikabalancedeverything
onatray.ThomasandPennyhadfoundseatsunderthetent,theirbackstoMika.Shepausedoutofeyesightbutwithinearshot.

“Isn’tthisfun?”PennyaskedThomas,voicefulloftrepidation.Mikarecognizedthetone,theoneyouusedwithyourparents
whenyoudesperatelywantedthemtoapprove.She’duseditonHiromimanytimes.Mama,Idrewyouacaterpillar,doyoulikeit?Mika,atageseven.Hmm,looksmorelikeaworm,Ithink,Hiromihadreplied.

“I’menjoyingspendingtimewithyou,”hesaidplacidly.
“Butnotthefoodtrucks?”
“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?Iamconvincedthey’reonwheelssotheycanmakeafastgetawaywhenthehealthinspectorcomes.
Infact,IbetIcanlookuptheirfoodsafetyratingonline.”

Pennygiggled.“Please,don’t.”Shewaitedforabeat.“Areyoustillangrywithme?”
Thomasputhisphonedownandtappedhislongfingersagainstthetable.Noringonhisleftfinger,Mikanoted.“No,I’m
notmad.Iwasn’treallymadbeforeeither.Ijustwishyouhadn’tliedtome.”

“Butare,like,yourfeelingshurt?”
“It’snotyourjobtoworryaboutmyfeelings.It’smyjobtoworryaboutyours.”Well,thatwaskindofnice.“Whatdoyou
thinkofher?”Her,hemeantMika.

“Ilikehersomuch.Andit’snice.Welikethesamethings.”Atthis,Mikalightenedwiththepromiseofawishsuddenlyfulfilled.ShewantedtobefriendswithPenny.It’swhatshehadwantedwithherownmother.Warmth.Comradery.Aplacetorest,tocomehometo.
“So,she’slikeasixteen-year-oldgirl?”Thomasaskeddrily.Mikashiftedonherfeet,thetraygettingheavy,butcouldn’t
bringherselftointerruptthem.Shefeltlikeanintruder—ontheoutsidelookingin.

“Dad—”
Thomasclearedhisthroat.“Sorry.Goon.”
“Idon’tknow.Wetalkaboutbooksandboysandourdreams.”
“Iwanttotalktoyouaboutthosethings.”
“It’sjustnotthesame.”Pennyshifted.“Look,onemomdied,andtheothergavemeaway.Ihaveseriousissues.Ineedsomething…
someone.”

“You’vegotme,”saidThomas.
Pennyflickedahand.“Typicalmen,thinkingapenissolveseverything.”
Thomascoughedintohisfistandpattedhischest.“Penny,please.”
“Justtrytolightenupalittle.Becool.”
“IfeellikeI’vebeenverypleasant.Butdon’tyouthinkit’soddshedidn’tknowhowtopopthetrunkofhercar?”
“Readytoeat?”Mikacutin.Shesetthetraydownonthetable,andThomascrackedafaintsmile.
Mikaplacedbowlsofsteamingrameninfrontofeachofthem.Pennyhesitated,eyesbouncingbetweentheforkandwoodenhashi.
Finally,shechosetheforkwithafuriousblush.Mikapulledherlipbetweenherteethandsetdownthehashishe’dgrabbed,
optingfortheforkasPennyhad.“Thesealwaysgivemesplinters.”

“Yeah?”Penny’seyesflashedcautiouslytoMika’s,thenbacktoherbowl.Shehadasmatteringoffrecklesonthebridgeofhernosethatspreadintotheapplesofhercheeks.Penny’sfatherhadfrecklesonhisarms.

“Ohyeah,thesecheaphashiaretheworst.”
“Hashi?”Pennyasked.
“ChopsticksinJapanese.”
Pennyseemedinordinatelypleasedbythis.“Hashi.”
Thomasflexedhishands,veinsprotruding.“Youknow,IthinkIchangedmymind.I’mgettingthecurrytoo.Whatthehell,
right?”Hestood.“Pen,howaboutanoatmealchocolatechipcookie,yourfavorite?”

Pennynodded.“Sure,thatsoundsgood.”
“I’llberightback.”ThomassqueezedPenny’sshoulder,thenleaneddownandplacedakissonhershinydarkhair.
Sheswattedhimaway.“Stahp.”
“Youwantanything?”ThomasaskedMika.
Somuch,somuch,Mikathought.Butsheshookherheadandsaid,“I’mgood.Nothingforme,thanks.”
Interstitial
ADOPTIONACROSSAMERICA
NationalOffice
56544W57thAve.Suite111
Topeka,KS66546
(800)555-7794
DearMika,
It’sbeentoolongsincewe’vechatted.Idohopeyou’redoingwell.Onceagain,pleasefindtheenclosedrequisiteitems
inregardtotheadoptionagreementbetweenyou,MikaSuzuki(thebirthmother),andThomasandCarolineCalvin(theadoptive
parents)forPenelopeCalvin(theadoptee).Contentsinclude:

Anannualletterfromtheadoptiveparentsdescribingtheadoptee’sdevelopmentandyearlyprogress
Photographsand/orothermemorabilia
Asalways,I’mhereshouldyouhavequestions.
Allthebest,
MonicaPearson
AdoptionCoordinatorInterstitial
DearMika,
Ten!Pennyisten,andIamprettysureourlittlefourth-graderhasonepurposeinlife,andthatistocreatechaos.Two
monthsago,shedecidedtowalkeverywherebackward.Andnow,mostrecently,shehasdecidedtotakeupbaking.Inspired,
I’msure,fromwatchingTheGreatBritishBakingShow.
ShesendsThomastothestorewithlistsofgroceries,withdreamsofwhippingupallsortsofthings—chocolatechesspie,
pecanshortbreadteacakes,somethingcalledacaramel-appleskilletbuckle?Younameit,shewantstotryit.Everyafternoon,
assoonasshegetshomefromschool,sheispreheatingovensandsettingmixingbowlsonthecounter.Shethenleavesthe
sinkpiledhighwithdishesandthefloorcoatedinflour.Wecritiquewhatshemakesasifwewereontheshow.It’sanicebake,alittlesoftinthemiddle,butthepresentationisexcellent,andtheflavorisgood.Ihavetoadmit,Pennyisaterriblebaker.Butweeatwhatevershemakesandsmilesowideourcheekshurt.ButwhatcanIsay?IamasuckerforPenny.Ialways
wanthertofollowherdreams.Picofhermostrecentcreationincluded.Ithinkitwassupposedtobeahedgehogcake?

Bighugs,
CarolineChapterTen
ThenextmorningMikawaitedforPennyandThomasintheirhotellobby.Shestoodbyavelvetcouchthatprobablycostmore
thanHana’smortgageandbecameacutelyawareofherchippedfingernailsandherhairthathadn’tbeentrimmedinwhoknows
howlong.Theelevatorsdinged,thedoorsopened.PennyandThomasemerged.

“Hey,”Pennysaidbrightly,skippingtowardher.
“Morning.”Thomasshuffledover.HeandPennybothworesweatshirts,jeans,andtennisshoes.
“Youready?”Mikabuttoneduphercoatandheadedforthedoor.“Ithoughtwe’dwalk.Rainisn’tforecastuntilthisafternoon,”
shesaid,butmostlyitwasbecauseshecouldn’taffordthegasanddidn’twanttopaytwiceforparking.“Themuseumisonly
afewblocksfromhere.”Assheslippedthroughtherevolvingdoor,herphonebuzzed.Mikacheckedthecaller.Hiromi.Shedeclined,senthermothertovoicemail,andslippedthephonebackintoherpocket.

Afewstepsfromthehotel,Pennysaid,“It’ssoprettyhere.”AgratingwindswoopedbyfromtheWillametteRiver,andallthreeofthemhunched,lettingitrollovertheirbacks.“Iwanderedaroundalittlebitlastnight,andtherearealltheselightswrappedaroundthetreesinthesquare.”
Thomasfurrowedhisbrow.“Youleftthehotel?”
“Justtogotothemallacrossthestreet,”Pennysaidbreezily.
“Penny—”Thomasstarted.
“Iboughtthesesocks.”Pennystoppedinfrontofanartdecobuildingwithasetofmythical-lookingirongates.Shepulled
upherpantleg.Bluesockswithcatfacesadornedherdelicateankles.“Cute,right?”

“Verycute,”Mikasaidwithasmile
ThomasgloweredatMikabutspoketoPenny.“Iwouldappreciateitifyouwouldtellmethenexttimeyoudecidetoleave
thehotel.”

Pennywasunfazed.Shetuckedherpantlegbackdownandsaid,“Aye-aye,”givingThomasasalute,whichmadehimpeerupat
theskyinagod-give-me-patiencesortofway.Theystartedoffagain.TheredbrickofthePortlandArtMuseumcameinto
sight.

AlittlefartherdowntheParkBlockswasacollege,Mika’salmamater.Shecouldjustmakeouttheartbuilding.Itwasn’t
muchtolookat.Agraycube.Butitwasaplacewherebeautifulthingshappened.AndMikahadwantedtobeapartofitso
badlyshephysicallyached.Theweatherhadbeensimilar—staticgraysky,moistair—thedayshemetMarcusGuerrero,afine
artsprofessor.She’dknockedonhisdoor,yellowslipinhand.He’danswered,paintflecksonhislightblueT-shirt,ared
bandanaholdingbackhisdarkhair,amiasmaofsmokeandcoffeeclingingtohim.

TheregistrarsaysIneedpermissiontoskipPaintingIandII.Shethrusttheformathim,shiftingbackandforthonherfeet.She’dbeenbraverthen.Headstrong.Willingtodoanything.
Whateverittook.

Hestaredathersolongandhardshestartedtoturnaway.Hishandfellfromtheknob,andheambledbacktohisdesktositinanoldofficechairwithgreenleatherandwoodenarms—ithadprobablybeenaroundsincethecollege’sinceptionintheforties.Heleanedback,wayback.Alright,hesaid.Showmewhatyou’vegot
Mikaswallowed.What?
Yourportfolio,hesaid,theslightestaccentcarvinghisspeech.Marcuswasalegendamongtheartstudents.Rumorsswirledabouthim.
HewasaGulfvetandkeptaPurpleHeartinhisdeskdrawer.Hisfatherwasafamousshipbuilder,andhe’dgrownupinthe
Mediterraneanonyachts.Butreally,hehadbeenpoor,thesonofmigrantfruitfarmers.HegrewupinFloridaandspenthis
youthpickingbananas.

Idon’thaveone.
Thenpaintsomething.Henoddedtothecornerofhisoffice.Aneaselhadbeencrammedbetweentwoshelvesburstingwithpalettes,tubesofpaint,
jarsofbrushes,turpentine.

Rightnow?Mikarememberedflexingherfingers,feelingqueasy.

Hestretched,lacedhisfingerstogether,andcradledthebackofhishead.Rightnow.
“Wow.”Penny’svoicebroughtMikabacktothepresent.“Youinternedhere?”sheasked,gazingatthebuilding,awestruck.
Mikamadeanoncommittalnoiseinherthroatthatpassedforaffirmation.Thensheadded,“Rightaftercollege.Notforvery
long.Anditwasyearsago.I’msureeveryoneI’veworkedwithhasmovedon.”

“So,youhadmefreshmanyearofcollege,”Pennysaid,piecingtogetherMika’sfaketimeline.“Thengraduatedandwentontoworkatthemuseum.That’sprettyimpressive.Thisgirlinmyclass,TaylorHines,hadmonofreshmanyearofhighschoolandhadtorepeatit.Butyouhadababyandmanagedschoolandacareerstill.”
Mikaflushedatthecompliment.WhatwouldThomasandPennythinkiftheyknewthetruth?IthadtakenMikaeightyearsto
graduate.SheflunkedfreshmanyearandlostherPellGrant,thenhadtogocrawlingbacktoherparentsforhelp.Goodnews,shesaidshortlyaftereverythinghadhappened,I’veswitchedmymajorfromarttobusiness.CanIhavesomemoney?Societyapplaudeddoingtheimpossible.Tryinghard.Pullingyourselfupbyyourbootstraps.It’stheAmericanway.ButMika
couldn’treachherfeet.Plus,therewasanexpectationthatMika’slifewasbetterwithoutPenny.Thatthesacrificehad
beenworthit.

Attheticketbooth,MikaandThomasbothreachedfortheirwallets.“Youboughtlunchyesterday,andyou’rehavingusover
fordinnertonight.Iinsist.”Hepaused,waiting,staringMikaintocompliance.Thisdidn’tworkonPenny,Mikahadobserved,
butworkedonMikaratherwell.

“Um,sure,Iguess.Thankyou.”Shetuckedherwalletaway,alittlerelieved.Shestilldidn’thaveajob.
Thomaspurchasedtickets,andtheyweregivenamapofthegalleries,thoughMikadidn’tneedit.Inside,sheinhaled,finding
comfortinthesmell,whichshecouldn’tquiteplacebutwasendemictobuildingsthislarge.Shevisitedthemuseumregularly.
Itwassoquiet.Noplacetohidefromherthoughts,butitfeltsafetoo.Somewhereshemightmournordream,thenleave
itallbehind.HavingPennybesidehernowinthissacredspacemadeMikafeelcomplete.

TheywanderedupthemarblestepstotheEuropeangalleries,bypassingtheAsiangalleries,which,asalways,hadbeenstuffed
tothesides—museumsusuallyfavoreddeadwhitemen.

SheguidedThomasandPennyonamini-tour,passingapaintingofIcarus.Mikaoftencontemplatedthemortalwhoflewsoclosetothesunthathiswaxwingsmeltedaway.Shewondered,ifIcarushadknownhisfate,wouldhehavestilldoneit,flownsohigh?Wouldtheclimbhavebeenworththefall?
AstheypausedinfrontofaMonet,MikadescribedImpressionism.“Seethesmall,thin,andslightlyvisiblebrushstrokes?
That’sahallmarkofImpressionism.Monetpaintedoutdoors—pleinair,it’scalled,amethodtocapturethelightandessence
ofthelandscapeinasinglemoment.”Herartscurriculumincollegehadincludedarthistorycourses.Talentwasn’tenough.
Tobeanartist,youhadtobeasortofkeepertoo.Hadtohavestudiedthegreats,learnedtheirtechniques.Itwasalot
likejazz,masterybeforeimprovisation.AndlikeHiromiinhergardenafterthelastwinterfrost,Mikahaddugin,only
toabruptlyquithalfwaythroughImpressionism,beforeshe’devenknownshewaspregnantwithPenny.

“It’scracked.”Pennyscrunchedhernoseup.
Mikasmiled.“Craquelure.It’sfromthevarnishdryingout.Ithappenswithage.”
PennywanderedoffandstoppedinfrontofaDegas.Headtiltedup,shegazedatthepastelonpaper,sniffled,wipedher
nose.ThomaswasstillentrancedwiththeMonet.MikawanderedtoPenny’sside.“Youokay?”sheaskedquietly.

Pennykeptherheadbent.“Yeah.I’mfine.It’sjustmymom…sheusedtohavealotofsillynicknamesforme.She’d
say:‘Hey,sugarplumfairy’or‘babyturkey’or‘littledancer.’Thisremindedmeofthat.”TheDegaswasofasingularballet
dancer,nimblefingersadjustingthetulleskirtatherwaist.

“That’snice.”DegaswaswhereMikahadleftoffinherstudies;“littledancer”waswhatCarolinehadcalledPenny.Mikawonderedatthesignificanceofthat.Anendingandabeginning.Ifitwasallmeanttobe.Orifshewasjustsearchingforasign…graspingatair,likeIcarusashe’dfallen.
Penny’ssmilewasfaint.“It’sastupidthingformetocryover.”
“Idon’tthinkso,”Mikawhispered.“Youcantalkabouther.”Caroline,shemeant.“Don’tbeafraidto.Youcantalktome
aboutanything.”I’llalwayslisten.I’llalwaysbehere.I’llalwaysbelieveinyou.
“Thanks.”Pennysteppedawayandfoundabenchtositonaroundthecorner.Mikajoinedher.Topassersby,theylookedlike
motheranddaughter,Mikathought.Guiltstabbedatherinsides.CarolineandThomashadrunthemarathonwithPenny,while
Mikahadbeenonthesidelines.“Shewasreallyamazing.ShelikedKahlilGibranandE.E.Cummings.Herweddingbandisinscribed
with:‘Icarryyourheartinmyheart.’”PennytwistedofftheringsheworesoMikacouldseetheinsideofit,theEdwardian
font.Sheshovedthebandbackonherfinger.“Butitwashardnothavingaparentwholookedlikeme,andIfeellikeIcan’t
saythataroundmydadbecausehe’sstillsosadaboutitall.”

Mika’sstomachbottomedout.ThomasandPennywerestillgrieving.“Itwashardbeingadoptedbywhiteparents?”Mikaasked,
focusingontheformerratherthanthelatter.

Pennysatbackandswungherlegsup,soshesatcross-leggedonthebench.“Idunno.MyparentstriedtodoJapanesethings
withme.Theyenrolledmeinsomeclasses,andwewenttofestivalsinDayton.Buttherewasalwaysadisconnect.Ithink
theywereuncomfortablewhenpeopleaskedquestionsaboutus.Like,‘Where’dyougetherfrom?’”Pennypaused,pickedatone
ofhernails.“Kidsusedtomakefunofmyeyesinelementaryschool.They’dsingthatsongfromLadyandtheTramp,‘WeAreSiamese,’andpulltheireyesup.”

TheacheinsideMikagrewworse.Itwasakindofbeautifulagony,havingachild.Feelingtheiremotionsaswellasyour
own.“Assholes.”

Pennyhalfsmiled.“SometimesDaytonfeelssosmall,andIfeelsobigincomparison.Doesthatmakesense?”
“Itdoes,”Mikaansweredrightaway.Shesawherselfsuperimposedonthisyoungperson,herdaughter.Mikahadfeltthatway
inhighschooltoo.Burstingattheseamstogotocollegeandliveoncampus,outfromunderhermother’sthumb,awayfrom
Hiromi’sdestructiveperfectionism.Now,shewantedtocautionPenny.Moveforwardslowly.Don’ttakesuchbigsteps.It’snotarace.Youdon’thavetohaveitallfiguredoutrightnow.
“Plus,”Pennysaid,“everywhereIgoinDayton,thereisareminderofher,ofthem,ofusasafamily.Butwe’renotafamily
anymore,orweare,butit’ssodifferent,andI’mconfusedaboutwhatitallmeans.Idon’tknow.”Pennyscuffedherfeet
againsttheshinyfloor.Aflockofwomenwearingpurplehatspassedby,chatteringaboutaPicassointhenextgalleryover.“Iheardhewasaterriblewomanizer,”onesaid.Mikawatchedthemgo,watchedasThomasroundedthecorner.

“Hey.Youdisappeared,”hesaid,stoppinginfrontofthem.“Youokay,kiddo?”Hisbrowdipped.
“Fine.”Penny’sface,hersmile,wasbrightandblinding.Convincing.“Betterthanfine,”sheadded.“Great.”SheflashedhergrintoMika.AndMika’sheartthuddedagainstherchest
Pennygazedatherwithsuchtenderness,suchgratefulness,thatsomethingfracturedinsideofMikaandmeldedtogether.Something
thathadmaybebeenbrokenforalongtime.Ifonlyshecouldtellthescientistsintheworld,Stopstudying,I’vefoundthekeytofusion.Itlayinthebondbetweenparentandchild.
ChapterEleven
Mikabustledaroundthekitchensixhourslater,crackingopentheovenandcheckingthehomemademacaroniandcheese.Leif
peeredoverhershoulder.“Jesus,howmuchcheeseisinthat?”Thewhitebéchamelsaucehadjuststartedtobubbleup.

“OveroneandahalfpoundsofcheddarandGruyère.”Anotherexpense.Asitturnedout,fakingyourlifecostalot.Mika
shuttheovenandskirtedaroundLeiftothefridgetogetabinofsalad.“IgottherecipeoffMarthaStewart.”

Leifrubbedthecurveofhisbicep.“RememberwhenMarthaStewartandSnoopDoggwerefriends?”Mikachosenottoanswer.
Shedumpedthesaladintoasilverdish.Hepickeduponeofthedecorativelemonsfromafruitbowl.“Fake,”hemurmured.
HeplaceditbackandturnedtoMika.“DoyouthinkIshouldhavedressedupmore?”Heworeacollaredshirtuntuckedand
apairofjeans.

Mikasetdownthesaladtongs.Asifshewasn’tnervousenoughalready,Leifwasmakingitworse.“Leif.”
“Whoa.Haven’theardthattoneinalongtime.Takesmeback.”Hemock-shivered.
Mikanarrowedhereyesathim.“Areyouhighrightnow?”
Leifhuffed.“Ofcoursenot.NowthatI’maprofessional,Ican’tgethighoffmyownsupply.”
Mikagroaned.“Thatisyourfinaldrugreferencefortheevening.”
“Youbroughtitup,”heteased.Heloweredhisbody,bracinghishandsonhiskneessotheywereface-to-face.“It’sgoing
tobefine.Ipromise.Imemorizedallthenotesyousentme.Andyoulookgreat.VeryJuliaChildabouttomakearoastchicken.”

ThetensioneasedfromMika’sshoulders.“Thanks,”shesaid,theneyedtheclockontheoven.“They’llbehereintwentyminutes.”
“So,howarethey?”Leifstraightened,takingafakelemonfromthebowlandrollingitbetweenhisgiantpalms.“What’sshe
likeinperson?”

Mikadidn’thavetothinkaboutit.“Amazing.She’samazing.”Shebeamed,dazzledbyherdaughter.“I’mexcitedforyouto
meether,actually.”PennywassomeoneMikawantedtosharewithothers.Maybethat’showHiromifeltbackwhenMikadanced,
theinsaneurgetocallpeople,bragaboutthepersonyoucreated.EverythingtheydoisbecauseofME.
“Andthedad?”
MikadeflatedatthementionofThomas.“He’stough.Ican’ttellifhedoesn’tlikemeorifhejustdoesn’tliketheworld.
It’sclearhelovesPenny,though.”Shethoughtofhimatthefoodtrucks,handsspillingoverwithoatmealchocolatechip
cookies,thecarefulwayhewatchedhisdaughterasifhecouldn’tstandthethoughtofhereverhurting.

Thedoorbellrang.“Shit,they’reearly.”MikastaredatLeiflikeheknewwhattodo.“Istillneedtofinishthesalad.”
“Yougetthedoor.I’llfinishup.”Heshooedheraway,andMikarantothedoor,forcingherselftoslowafewstepsbeforethethreshold.Shetuckedherhairbehindherearandpastedonabrightsmilebeforeswingingopenthedoor.
ThomasandPennystoodonthefrontstep,theirUberpullingawaybehindthem.Thomasworeanavysuit,notie,andPenny
sportedaskirtandblouse.“Shoot,”Pennysaid.“Iknewweshouldn’thavedressedup.Itoldyou,”shesaidpointedlyto
herdad.

Thomasflashedagrin,thepictureofcoolevilinhissuit.HeranhiseyesupanddownMika’sjeansandT-shirt.“Better
tobeoverdressedthanunderdressed.”

“Youguyslookgreat.”Mikaforcedasmile,openingthedoorwider.Thomashesitated.“Comeonin.Leif’sinthekitchen,
anddinnerisalmostready.”

“Areweearly?”Pennyasked,steppingintothehouse.“ItoldDadweshouldhavewalkedaroundtheblockorsomething.”
“You’rerightontime,”Mikasaid.
Atlast,Thomasstrolledin.Handsinhispockets,helookedaround.HestoppedrightunderwhereTuanhadrepairedthecrack
intheceiling.Mikahadasuddenvisionoftheplastersplinteringandfalling.“Leif,meetPenny…andThomas,”she
said,corrallingthetwotowardthekitchen.

Leifsetdowntheknifehe’dbeencuttingvegetableswith,wipedhishands,andofferedonetoThomas.HeshookwithThomas
first,thenPenny.

Penny,withtheenergyandexuberanceofasquirrel,pumpedLeif’spalmupanddown.“Thisisawesome.I’veheardsomuch
aboutyou.”

“Likewise.”LeifsmiledandturnedtoMika,disentanglinghimselffromPenny.“Whydon’tyouthreeheadoutside?Wethought
sincetheeveningisnice,we’deatonthepatio.I’llbringthefoodout.”

“Youwill?”Mikaasked,stunned.TheonlyfoodLeifhadeverbroughttoMikawasfromapaperbag.
“Ofcourse.Goon.Menbelonginthekitchenasmuchaswomen.”
MikasmiledforPennyandThomas’sbenefit,thenturnedtoLeif.“Toneitdown,”shecoughedintoherhand.SheledThomas
andPennythroughthelivingroom.

Pennypausedtogazeatthephotosonthemantle.“Allyourtravels,”shesaidwarmly.Mikastoppedtoo,shouldertoshoulder
withPenny.ThereMikawas,oratleastanavatar,smilinginthePompeiiruins,intheHouseofMysteries.Behindher,a
frescowithdistinctiveredpaint—cinnabar.Nextphotoover,shewasintheLouvregrinninginfrontoftheMonaLisa
Thomasnosedin,eyessquinting.CouldheseewhatMikasaw?Thatthelightwasn’tquiteright?Thattheshadowsandhighlights
violatedthelawsofphysics?“Let’sgooutside,”Mikasaid.Sheusheredthemoutthedoor,facebloomingpink.

Inthebackyard,thefairylightsMikahadhungreflectedandglowedinPenny’sdarkeyes.“It’sexactlylikeyourInstagram
photo!”

ThomastoedtheholeinthegroundwhereHanahadpulledupthetree.“Youhavegophershere?”
“What?”Mikafrowned,herfaceonlystartingtocool.“No.Justdoingsomelandscaping.Youknowhouses,theworkisnever
done.”

“Youshouldputsomedirtinthat.Someonecouldtripandtwistanankle,”saidThomas.
“Isn’tthisnice,Dad?”Pennysaid.“It’sstillsnowingoutsidebackhome.Ididn’tknowPortlandhadsuchwarmsprings.”
Mikaswallowed.“It’srare.Itseemsyoubroughtthesunshinewithyou.”ShestaredatPennytenderlyandtriedtomanageherhappinesslevels.Howrightthisallfelt,havingPennyhere.Howdomestic
Theysettledatthepicnictable.Leifappearedwiththemacaroniandcheeseplussalad.Theydishedup.Mikahadlitthe
candlesinthehurricanevases,andtheyateinsilencebysoftcandlelightforabit.

“So,howdidyoutwomeet?”Thomasasked,wipinghismouth.
“How’dwemeet?”Mika’seyesleapedtoLeif,thebiteofmacaronishe’djusttakenlodgedinherthroat.Shit.They’dneverdiscussedtheircouple’soriginstory,thefakeone.TherealonewasHanahadgonetobuydrugsfromLeif,
they’dallgottenhigh,andMikahadhookedupwithhim.Casualsexturnedtoregularsex,andthenMikawascohabitating
withLeif.ItoccurredtoMikahowsoinlittlecontrolofherlifeshe’dbeenthe
Leifsetdownhisfork.“Youknow,Mikatellsitbetter.Yougoahead.”Hegrinnedather,adareinhisbrowneyes.
“Well.”Mikagrippedtheedgeofthetable.Herstomachflipped,andarushofbloodslidupherneck.“Iwasouttodinner
withacoupleartistfriendsfrom…”Shepaused,searchedhermemoryforaplace,adestination,anything.
“Greece,”Leifinterjectedeasily.“TheywerefromGreece,right?”
“That’sright.AndLeifwastheretoo?Ican’trememberwhythough?”ShescrunchedhernoseupandstaredatLeif.
Leifsippedhiswinebeforeanswering.“Forwork.”
“Whatisityoudo?”ThomasaskedLeif.“Pennysaidsomethingaboutagriculturebutdidn’tknowanyspecifics.”
“Iaminagriculture.Mikathinksit’sprettyboring,soI’msurethat’swhyshedidn’tgetintospecifics.Iworkmostlyinthebiochemistryfield.Idofreelanceconsultingwithuniversities,agovernmentcontracthereandthere,thatkindofstuff.”Mikabreathedout.Thatsoundedgood.Believable.“Whataboutyou?”LeifaskedThomas.
Thomasputdownhisforkandknife.“I’macopyrightattorney.IhavemyownpracticeinDayton.Afarcryfromthefirefighter
IwantedtobewhenIwasten,”hejoked.

“Noteveryonecanfollowtheirpassion.ButIthinkit’simportanttotakerisks.TakethePortlandNakedBikeRide,forexample—”
“Penny,”Mikasaidalittletooloudly.“IalmostforgotIhaveagiftforyou.”
“Youdo?”Pennybrightened.
“Berightback.”Mikagrabbedthescrapbookfromthehouseandreturned,placingitinfrontofher.
“Leif,wouldyoumindgettingdessert?”MikastaredatLeifasPennytouchedthecornerofthealbum.
“Coursenot,”Leifannounced.Heknockedthetableonceandstood.Mikamouthedasilentthank-youathim.
“It’snothingbig,”MikasaidasPennyslidahandoverthelinencover.“JustsomepicturesofmewhenIwasyourage…”
Thomaswasquietforamoment,thensaid,“Thisisniceofyou.”
Pennylookedup,hereyesshining.“Yeah.”Sheflippedthroughthepages.
WhenPennystoppedatasnapshotofMikawhenshewassixteen,Mikaspokeup.“God,Iwassoawkwardatsixteen.Notnearly
asconfidentasyou.Youhaveyourparentstothankforthat,Ithink.”Thomas’seyesflashedtowardMika,thecornerofhis
mouthcurlingintoagenuinesmileofappreciation.Mikaclearedherthroat
Pennylaughed,thensobered.“Isthereapictureofyourparents?”Sheaskeditquietly,asifshewereafraidtobutcouldn’taffordnotto.
“Thereis,”Mikasaid,gladshe’dincludedone.“Towardtheback,Ithink.”
“Dotheylivenearby?”Thomasasked,hisdeepvoicestartlingMika.
“Theydo,but,um,they’reonacruiserightnow,”shetoldPenny.
Pennynoddedbutkeptturningthepagesonebyone,soakingitallin.Shestoppedatapage,andMikaroseinherseatto
seewhathadcaughtherattention.ThephotographofMikapregnant.

“I’minthere,”Pennysaid,tracingtheoutlineofMika’sswollenbellywithafinger.“Whatwasitlike?Beingpregnantwith
me?”

Thomas’seyesdartedtowardMika,andherheartbuoyedinherchest.“Whatwasitlike?”sherepeated,tappingherlips,pretending
toconjurethememory.Eventhoughshedidn’tneedto.Itwasalwaysaliveinsideofher,tangledaroundherbones,threatening
todragherunder.Allthosemonthsofgrowingababyshewasn’tsureshewouldhateorlove.Sheshouldn’thaveeverhad
anydoubts.Whenshe’dpushedPennyout,ithadbeenloveatfirstsight,flowingasnaturallyasthebloodinthecordbetween
them.ButhowcouldshetellPennythat?AndinfrontofThomas?“Well,Iwasprettysureyouweretryingtokillme.”She
injectedhumorintohervoice.“Fooddidn’tstaydownthefirsttrimester.Thenthesecondtrimester,Ihadheartburnsobad
itfeltasifI’dswallowedasmallvolcano.Icouldn’tsleepwithoutbeingfullyupright.Andthefinalact,thethirdtrimester,
thesimplenotionofbendingdownandputtingonshoesnearlysuffocatedme.”Therewasn’tapartofMika’sbodyPennyhadn’t
colonized.

Pennylaughed,andThomasgrinnedtoo.“You’vebeenfeistyfromthebeginning,”hesaidtohisdaughter.
Pennylaughedagain.SodidMika,herfaceliftedtothecrescentmoon.Shetriedtotellherselfthismomentdidn’tmean
thatmuch.Thatherheartdidn’tsuddenlyfeelopenandendlesslikethesummer.Thatitwasn’tlikeshewaseighteenagain
andjuststartingout.Whentheworldhadbeenatherfeet.Whenherlifehadbeenthickpaint,vibrantcolors,andboldstrokes.
ChapterTwelve
Thefollowingevening,MikahurriedtomeetThomasandPennyattheirhotelagain.They’dplanneddinneratarestauranta
blockdown.She’dmanagedtofindaparkingspotonthestreetrightbeforetheskyopenedupandhugefatdropsofrainpoured
down.Bythetimesheskatedthroughthelobbydoors,herhairwasplasteredtoherhead.“I’mhere,”shesaidtoThomas,
rushingoverandslippingalittlebit.“Sorry,I’mlate.Trafficwasterrible,andIcouldn’tfindparking.Where’sPenny?”
Shesearchedthelobby.

“Sheshouldbedownanyminute.”Justthen,Thomas’sphonebuzzed.“Holdon,”hesaidtoMika.“It’sPenny.”Heanswered,
“Hey,kiddo.Mikaishere.Youaboutready?”Helistenedcarefullyforaminute.“Youdid?Didyoubringanythingwithyou?
No,ofcoursenot.It’snoproblem,youknowthat.I’llruntothestorerightnow.Wantanythingelse?Okay,I’llbeupsoon.
Justhangon.Hey,it’sfine,it’sfine.Yes,I’llexplainittoher.Yes,I’llbenice,”hesaidalittlemorequietly.Finally,hehungup.“Well,Pennyisn’tcoming.It’sthattimeforher.”

Mika’sbrowdartedin.“Time?Oh!”Understandingdawned.“It’sthattimeofthemonth.”

Hescratchedthebackofhishead.“Sheneedsmetogotothestoreforher.”
“Um,there’saTargetdownablockeast.I’llshowyou.”Theyborrowedacoupleofumbrellasfromtheconcierge.Tenminutes
later,theywereinthesameTargetMikahadbeeninwhenPennyfirstcalled.IsthisMikaSuzuki?ThisisPennyCalvin.PenelopeCalvin.IthinkI’myourdaughter.Thomasperusedtheshelvesandshookhishead,justsodisappointedintheselection.“Excuseme.”Heflaggeddownanemployee
inaredshirtandaskedaboutaparticularbrandoftampon.Supersized.Theemployeesaidthey’dcheckandscurriedoff.

Thomasstuckhishandsinhispocketsandrockedbackonhisheels.“Pennyisparticular.”
Mikahadtoadmitshefeltalittlecharmedbythewholesceneunfoldinginfrontofher.“Isshe?”
“Yeah,”hesaidwithashrug.“Shelikesacertainbrand.Iftheydon’thavethem,wemighthavetogotoanotherstore.What?”
hesaidatherwide-eyedstare.

“It’sjust…I’mveryimpressed.Mydadneverwenttothestoreforfeminineproducts.”Hiromiwouldbuythemandslip
themtoMikainadarkplasticbagasifsomedarkunderworldbargainweretakingplace.Once,she’dsentLeif.He’dFaceTimed
her,andtheygotintoawholethingaboutorganicoptions.She’dhunguponhim,contenttobleedoutonhiscouch.Itwould
haveservedhimright.

Thomasscratchedhisjaw.“It’snothingtobeembarrassedabout.Ineverwanthertobeashamedofherbody.”Hepausedas
ifconsideringifheshouldsaymore.Finally,hedecidedtokeepspeaking.“Ithrewheraperiodparty.”

“I’msorry,what?”
Helaughed,focusedonhisshoes.“Yeah.ShegotherperiodayearafterCarolinedied,andIsearchedtheinternet.IthinkIgoogled‘singledad,daughtergotherperiodfirsttime’orsomething.Allthesesuggestionspoppedupaboutapartywelcomingherintowomanhood.Iinvitedsomeofherfriendsoverforasurpriseparty.”
“Andshelikedthat?”Mikahadbeenmortifiedwhenshe’dstartedherperiod—embarrassedandconfused.Hiromihadneverdiscussed
thatitwouldhappentoMika,soshe’dbeensurprised,tosaytheleast.

Thomasshookhishead.“Shedidn’tlikeit.Shewouldn’tleaveherroom.Isentherfriendshome.Afterawhile,shecame
downandaskedthatIneverthrowheraperiodpartyagain.Iguessmaybethecakeandstreamersweretoomuch.”Heshuffled
hisfeet.

TheTargetemployeereturnedwithacartonoftampons,therightkind.Theypaidandwalkedbacktothehotel.Ontheeleventh
floor,theyknockedonPenny’sdoor.“Kiddo,”Thomassaid.

Pennyopenedthedoor,bathrobeon,andtelevisionblastinginthebackground,somerealityshowabouthousewives.“Idon’t
feellikeseeinganyone,”Pennysaid,holdingoutherhand.Thomasplacedthebaginheropenpalm.Shewenton.“Youguys
goouttodinner.Don’twastetheeveningbecauseofme.I’mprobablygoingtocleanouttheminibarofanythingchocolate
orsalty.”Thensheshutthedoorintheirfaces.

Intheelevator,Mikasaid,“Wecanpassondinner.IthinkI’lljustheadhome.”
Thomasfoldedhisarmsandscratchedhisjaw.“I’mthatbadcompany,eh?”
“No.Ofcoursenot,”Mikasputtered,caught.
Hestaredather.“Howaboutadrink?Inthelobby?IthinkmaybeyouandIshouldtalk,gettoknoweachotherbetter.ForPenny’ssake.”Theyreachedthelobby,andthedoorsslidopen.Mikasearchedandsearchedforanexcuse,thoughtaboutjustflat-outrunningaway—butthatseemedlikethemorehumiliatingoption.
Thomaswaitedoutsidetheelevatorforher.“Mika,”hesaidflatly.
“Thomas.”
“Pleasehaveadrinkwithme.”
“Fine.”MikainhaledandslippedpastThomas.“Onedrink.”
Theystrolledthroughthelobbytothehotelbar.AsMikahadbeenconditionedtodo,hereyessoughtoutthepaintings.Typical
abstracthotelpieceswithmonochromeswirls,somethingchosenfortheaesthetic.Couchart,Marcus,herprofessor,usedtocallit.

ThomasstoppedatalittletableinthecornerandpulledoutachairforMika.Atthesoundofwoodenlegsscrapingagainst
thetile,MikarememberedMarcus’sofficeagain.Thefirstdayshe’dmethim,theeaselmadeasimilarnoiseasshehaddragged
itouttosetitupwithablankcanvasfromthecloset.

WhatshouldIdraw?she’daskedoverhershoulder.Sunlightstreamedinthroughthewindow,dustparticlessuspendedinit.

Ifyou’reaskingmethat,youdon’tbelonginadvancedpaintingclasses,heanswered.

Shenoddedvacantlyandchoseapieceofvinecharcoalfromtheshelf.Placingitagainstthecanvas,shedrewanarchinglineandwinced.Tooheavy.Toobroad.Nopurpose.Sheeraseditwithherhandandstartedagain,summoningheranatomyknowledgefromthebookssheusedtogetatthelibrary.Marcussmokedwhilesheworked.Halfwaythrough,heturnedonmusic,somesoftfolksyballad.Anhourlater,shewasdone,fingersblack,bloodless,andaching.
Marcuscutthemusicoff.Whoisshe?heasked.

Mymother.Mikafoundatowelandwipedherhandsonit.She’dsketchedHiromi.Herhairsetinasmoothdome,eyesbrutalandunforgiving,
doublelinesbracketinghermouthlikeparenthesesofdisappointment.

Don’teverasksomeonewhatyoushouldpaintagain.Acrinkleofpaper,andMarcushandedherthesignedform.EnrollinmyPaintingIIIclass.I’llteachyou
Mikagraspedtheformandlefthisoffice,satonabenchforawhile.Itwasthefirsttimeanyonehadsaidsheshowedany
promise.Shefeltpowerful.Fullyalive.Marcusloomedlargeinhermemory.

Now,Mikasettledintoherchair,Thomasadjacenttoher.Heflaggeddownthebartenderandorderedascotchneat.Ofcourse,
hedid—anythingtomakemorehairgrowonhischest.Mika’sheartraced,andsheorderedaglassofcab.Awkwardsilencedescended
astheywaitedfortheirdrinks.

“WillPennybeokay?”Mikaasked.
Thomaseasedbackinthechair,spreadinghislegs.“She’llbefine.Thefirstdayisalwaystheworstforher.”
“That’sgood.”ItoccurredtoMikahowmuchshedidn’tknowaboutPenny.Onceuponatime,she’dconvincedherselfitwouldbeokaynevertrulyknowingherdaughter.ItwasenoughtoknowPennywasaliveandwell.She’dbeenafool.Now,MikawasgreedyandjealousofCarolineandThomas,allthosemomentsthey’dhadwithPenny.Shetriedtomuscledowntheenvy,butitrefusedtostaypinned.ThethoughtofneverseeingPennyagain,notbeingapartofherlifeasMikaanticipatedmighthappen,seemedunacceptablenow.Thewaiterreturned.Withaflourish,heplacedtwococktailnapkinsdownandtheirdrinksontopofthem.Theysippedandlistenedtothemanplayingthepiano—afamoussonatabyMozart.
“WillyoutellmemoreaboutPenny?”Mikaplayedwiththebaseofherwineglass,turningithalfwayaround,thenhalfwayback.
Thomastiltedhishead.Therewasasmallvotivecandleonthetable,anditcastshadowsunderneathhissharpcheekbones.
“Wesentletterseveryyear.”

ThepackagesfromCarolineburstwithphotographs,drawings,evenaclaydishPennyhadmadeinelementaryschool.Andthe
letterswerelonganddescriptive.Mikahadnotroubleimaginingherdaughter’slife,howwellshewasdoing,howwellshe
wasbeingtakencareof.AndshewasalwayscomfortedbyCaroline’swords,writtenwiththefamiliarityofonemothertoanother.
ButthenCarolinehaddied.Thomas’sletterswereshort,straighttothepoint—arazor’sedgeofuncertainty.“Youdid,”she
saidcarefully.“ButI’msureyoucouldn’tputitalldown.”

Thomassuckedinanuneasybreath.“Well,youalreadyknowabouttheperiodpartygonewrong.Whatelse?”Heshiftedinhis
seat,thinking.“Herletter-writingphase.”

“Letter-writingphase?”Mikawarmedandleanedin.
“ItookhertoacounselorafterCarolinedied.ThecounselorsuggestedPennywriteletterstoexpressherfeelings.She’dwritesomethinglike:‘TodayIfeelsad,ImissMom.’”Thomastippedhisdrinktohismouth.Mikawatchedasheswallowed,hisAdam’sappleworking.“ThenI’dwriteback:‘I’msosorry,kiddo.Imisshertoo.’Itwaskindofthissafespacewherewecouldtalk.Weusedthetechniqueforacoupleofyearsoffandon.Itwasprettyeffective.Oneday,Ithinkshewasthirteen,maybe,IaskedPennytoshowerandtidyupherroom.Prettyinnocuous.”HewaitedforMikatonodinagreement.“Shecamebacktomeafewminuteslaterwithaletterthatsaidsomethinglike:‘I’mfeelingreallymadandsadrightnow,sopleaseleavemealoneuntilfurthernotice.’”Hepausedandsippedhisscotch.
Mikasmiled.“Didyouleaveheralone?”
Thomassuckedinairthroughhisteeth.“Thatprobablywouldhavebeenthesmartthingtodo.ButIfollowedthecounselor’s
adviceandwroteheranoteback.Somethinglike:‘Thanksforcommunicatingwithme.It’sokaytofeelmadandsadsometimes.
I’mhereifyouwanttotalk.’”Hiseyescloudedwithhumor,andhismouthtwistedintoasmile.

“Nottherightthingtodo?”Mikaasked.
“Notevenclose.Shecamestormingoutofherroom.Iswearshewasgatheringdarkforcestodescenduponme.Sheslammed
thenotedownandhadrevisedit.”Hepaused.“She’dunderlinedthe‘really’andcrossedout‘mad’toadd‘angry.’Thenover
thewholethingwithaSharpie,shewrote:‘Goaway’incapitalletters.”

“Wow,”wasallMikasaidquietly.Sometimesthewholething,thepregnancy,thebirth,andevennow,seeingPenny,feltunreal.
AsifMikawerewatchingsomeoneelse’slifeunfold.Inaway,shewas,shesupposed.Shecouldn’tquitegetagriponthe
factthatthiswasherlife.

Thomasknockedbacktherestofhisdrink.“Yeah,she’salwaysbeenthisway.Smallbutfierce,scrappy.I’dbetonherin
afight.Whatwereyoulikeasakid?”

“Me?”Mikastraightened.ShethoughtoftheMikabefore.Hiromicalledherdaughteroversensitive.SheviewedMikaasstrange,foreign,herdifferencesasbetrayals.“Iwasshy,Isuppose,butwithvisionsofgrandeur.”Shewantedtobesomethinggreatsomeday.“UntilImetmybestfriend,Hana.Itookmorerisksthen.”Feltlikeshewasindomitable.Inhighschool,theywenttohousepartiesontheweekends.Gettingdrunkwithstudentsandtheirparentswhosubscribedtothe“ifmykidisgoingtodrink,theymightaswelldoitundermyroof”philosophy.Thenshedoubleddownincollege.Losthervirginitythefirstweektheretosomeguywhoselastnameshecouldn’tremember.Shehadfunandlikedhavingsex,thefeelingofabodyagainsthers.
Mikablinked.
Marcuswasthereagain,justonherperiphery.Theywerealoneintheclassroom,thedoorshut.Shewasnearlyhalfwaythrough
herfreshmanyear.Asidefrompaintingandarthistory,she’denrolledinphilosophy.Shewasinthemidstofexistentialism.
SartreandKierkegaard—Lifecanonlybeunderstoodbackwards,butitmustbelivedforwards.Andstudyingancientarts,theGreeks,theRomans,Byzantinetolateantiquity.Icons.TheVirginMary.UnderMarcus’stutelage,
she’dmasteredtraditionaltechniques—scumbling,wetonwet,glazing,chiaroscuro.

Yourpaintingslacklife,Marcuswassaying.Hedippedabrushinblackinkandslashedalinethroughherstudyofanorange.Thereisnostory.Whatisyourstory?Itwasakindofagony,disappointingMarcus.LookatPeter’spainting—hegesturedtoacanvasleaningagainstthewall,hisgraduatestudent’sart,aportraitofapopstar,holdinganapple
intheGardenofEden—it’sderivativeasshit,butitstillhasanarrative.Comeon,hesaid,can’tyousee?Thestoryisyourpower
“Pennywasanythingbutshy,”Thomassaid,pullingMikabacktothepresent.“She…”Heshookhishead.
“What?”Mikaleanedforward.Somehow,they’ddriftedclosertoeachother,theirkneesbumping.
“Iforgotaboutthis,butwhenshewasatoddlerandpottytraining,shelikedforustowatchherpoop.”Mikaburstintoalaugh.Thomasansweredwithagrin.“Idon’tknow.Itwasprobablybecausewemadeabigdealoutofit.Carolinehadreadthisbookabouthowyou’resupposedtocelebratewhentheygo.Wedidthiswholecheeringthing.ButPennywouldgetsuperseriouswhenshehadtoshit,andshelikedtolockeyeswithoneofus.She’dsay,‘Watchme,watchme.’”Hegrinned.“Itgottobeathing,andfinally,Carolinewaslike,‘Wehavetostopthis.We’llbewatchingherpoopwhenshe’sincollege.’Pennyhatesthisstory,butit’soneofmyfavorites.”
Elbowonthetable,MikarestedherchininherhandandstudiedThomasinrepose.“Whatelse?”
“Well,infourthgrade,shegotseriouslyintoventriloquism.”Hemock-shivered.“Socreepy.I’mgladthat’sover.Shegot
intomagicsoonafter.”

“Naturally,”saidMika,andtheysharedasmile,ahalf-laugh.Shesighed.She’dbeenwrongaboutThomas.Hedidn’thavethe
emotionalrangeofapotato.“Youguysweregoodparents.You’reagooddad.”Mikahadn’tmeanttosayit,butthewordscame
pouringout.

Thomashuffedoutalaugh.“Thanks.Ioperatedwithoutamanualforawhile.IlookbackatafterCarolinedied,andI’mashamed
ofhowmuchIdidn’tknow.IprettymuchreliedonCarolinetodomostoftheparenting.Thenwhenshepassedaway,Ifelt
sooutofmyelement…”

AnachespearedthroughMika’schest.“Howbadwasit?”
Hefrowned.“Ididherhair.Itwasn’ttoobadforthefirsttime.ShecriedattheendofthedaywhenItriedtotakethebandsout,soIusedscissorsandendeduploppingoffasectionofhair.Ihadtotakehertoahairstylisttogetitfixed.Shepitchedafitwhentheysuggestedcuttingitintoabobtoevenitout.So,wemadeacompromise,shortinthefrontandlongintheback.”
Mikamadeaface.“Thatsoundsanawfullotlikea…”
“Amullet,”Thomassaid,lighteyesintentonher.“Igavemydaughteramullet.”ChapterThirteen
“So,whathaveyoutoldheraboutme?”Hanaasked.ItwasWednesday,thenightbeforeMika’sgalleryopening.ThomasandPenny
wereplanningonmeetingHanaforthefirsttime.MikahadchosenLardo,ahipsandwichrestaurantonHawthornethatwouldn’t
hurtherbankaccounttoomuch.

Mikasmirked,scanningthecrowdedrestaurantforafreetable.“Oh,youknow,theusual,howyouhadacrushonourfreshman
EnglishteacherandwouldtalktoherendlesslyaboutSmallvilleandhowKristinKreuk”—thedoe-eyedfemalelead,akaLanaLang—“carriedtheshow.”

Hana’smouthquirkedintoasmile.“Ah,Mrs.Sampson.IbarelykeptmyselffrombreakingintosongwheneverIspoketoher.
Iwonderwhatshe’suptonow.”

Afamilyoffourclearedtheirtable,andMikadartedtoclaimit.TheysatdowntowaitforThomasandPennybeforeordering.
“Whatelsedidyoutellheraboutme?”Hanadrummedherfingersagainstthetable.
Mikaglancedattheneonsignonthewalltheysatunder.Itsaid:pigout.“Youknow,theusual.Sincehighschoolandthroughcollege,we’vebeenfriends,andthatyouwerethereforherbirth.She’sprobablygoingtowanttoknowaboutit.”Mikaremovedanapkinfromthedispenserandstartedshreddingit.“I’msureshe’sgoingtoaskallaboutusandthattimeofourlives.Sojustdownplaywhatkindofstudentswewere,okay?Howmuchwepartied,howmanytimesweskippedschool.”
“Mika,”Hanasighed,asympatheticlookinhereye.
“Iwanthertobeproudofwhereshecamefrom.Iwanttobesomeoneshelooksupto.”IwanttobethepersonIwasbeforebutbetter,Mikathought.Maybethiswasherchanceatredemption.Absolution.Awaytogobackintimeandmakethingsright.Itwas
atwistedlogic,butthereitwas—herchancetogainbackwhatshehadlost.

“Youdon’twanthertoknowyounearlypoopedpushingherout?”Hanasaiddrily.
“Ohmygod,youpromisedwe’dnevertalkaboutthat.”
Hanashrugged.
“Loveyourface,”Mikasaid.
“Loveyourfacetoo,”Hanaansweredback.“Eventhoughit’salying,wrongface.”
“Pleasedon’tmakemefeelworse.”ShefeltbadenoughalreadylyingtoPenny,butitwasbetterthanthetruth.She’dpromised
toalwaysprotectPenny.ThiswasMika’sway.

“Sorry,”Hanasaid.“Ijustwishyoucouldseehowgreatyouare.”
Mikaopenedhermouthtoanswer,butthebellsoverthedoorjingled.ThomasandPennystoodattheentrance.“That’sthem,”
Mikasaid,stickingherhandintheairandwavingthetwodown.

Thefatheranddaughtersmiledatthesametime.
Hanawhistledlow.“Hotdadalert.”
“Hana,”Mikasaid,cheeksflamingasThomasandPennyinchedcloser.
“What?”Hanatouchedherchest.“EventhoughI’malesbian,Icantotallyobjectivelyappreciatehandsomemen.”
“Hi.”ThomassmiledwarmlyatMika.HestuckoutahandforHanatoshake.“Thomas.”Introductionswentonfromthere,and
theyfoundtheirseats,MikaandHanasittingononesideandThomasandPennyontheother.

“What’sgoodhere?”Thomasasked.
“DefinitelytheDirtyBastardFries,”Hanasaid.“They’rehand-cutandcookedinbaconfat,thentossedinfriedherbsand
parmesan.”

Thomastookeveryone’sorderandmovedtothecountertoplaceit.Whenhecameback,theymadesmalltalkforawhile.Mostly
aroundHana,herworkasanASLinterpreterforbands.Pennywasbeaming.Soimpressedandimpressionable,Mikathought.ItmadeherthinkofhowshewaswithMarcus,whataneophyteshe’dbeen,howmuchshe’dwantedhisapproval,
she’dbeenlikeacattwiningitselfaroundhislegs—itstillmadeherstomachhurt,herdesperation.Now,theystuffedthemselves
onfriesandporksandwiches.Thomaswipedhismouthandballeduphisnapkin.“Ican’teatanymore,”hedeclared,rubbing
hisflatbelly.HisT-shirtrodeup,revealingthethinneststripofskin.Mikafoundaspotonthewalltofocuson.

Hanaleanedforward,elbowonthetable,chininherhand,andgazedatPenny.“So?”shesaid.
“So,”Pennyparrotedback.
“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”Hanaasked.
PennyblushedatHana’sdirectness.“YouweretherethedayIwasborn.”
“Ohyeah,Iwastotallyinthesplashzone,”saidHana.
Mikagrimacedatthevisualandreevaluatedherchoiceinbestfriends.
Pennytwiddledherthumbs.“Willyoutellme…WillyoutellmeaboutthedayIwasborn?”ShelookedtoHana,toMika,askingthemboth.
Mikasatback.Thefoodinherstomachsoured.Itwashardtorememberthatday.Harderstilltotalkaboutit.Abouthow
thepregnancytoreherlifeinhalf.HowwhenPennywasborn,Mikahadbeendizzywithlove,thenheartbreak.Howshe’dsunk
likeastoneafter.Itwaspainful,lettingthatcurledribbonoftimeflatten.
“Penny,”Thomassaidsoftly.“Maybeweshouldsavethisconversationforanotherday.”
Pennydeflated.“Sure,right.Itotallyunderstand.”Butitwasclearshedidn’t.
Underthetable,HanasqueezedMika’skneereassuringly.“Itwasraining,Ithink,”Mika’sbestfriendsaidcarefully.
“Itwas,”Mikaconfirmed,hervoicelight,faint.She’dgonetoherob-gynthedaybeforeandhadbeenmiserableIjustwantherout,she’dsaid,flushedandcrying.Ijustwantthisalltobeover.Iwantmylifeback.ItfeltasifPennywereclingingtoMika,knowingthey’dsoonbetornapart.

“Mikahadanepidural,”Hanaadded.ShenudgedMika.“Rememberhowthenursesuggesteditwastooearlyforanepidural,and
maybeyoushouldtrybreathing?”

AghostofasmileappearedonMika’sface.“Shewasofferingmesnowballs.Iwantedagrenade.”
“Itwasprettyboringafterthat.Wesleptforawhile,”Hanasaid.MikarememberedHanaattheendofherhospitalbed,body
slumpeddowninachair.

“Hanaslept,”Mikaqualified.“Itossedandturned,couldn’tgetcomfortable.”Shehadcried.Frombeingexhausted,fromthe
pain,fromtheemotionalgutting.

“Then,earlyinthemorning,Mikastartedpushing,”Hanasaid.Inbetweenbearingdown,Mikahadsaid,Idon’twanttoholdher.Thenchangedhermind.Iwanttoholdher,don’tletthemtakeherbeforeIgettoholdher.“Mikaheldyoufirst,butIheldyourightafter,”Hanachimedin.“Yourfacewasallredandscrunchedup.”

“Soundsbeautiful.”Pennylaughed.
“Itwas,itreallywas,”Mikasaid,andthatwasthetruth.HergazeflutteredtoThomas.Ahalf-smiletiltedthecornerof
hismouth,sameasPenny’s.

“Wewererightoutside,inthehospitalwaitingroom,”Thomasinterjected.AndMikafoundacertaindistantcomfortknowing
Pennyhadchangedhandstoheradoptedparents.Therewasn’tapointwhereshehadn’tbeenlovedandlookedafter.

“Iknow,”Pennysaid.“Momwrotetomeaboutitinherletter.”TheletterthatCarolinehadwrittenforPenny’ssixteenth
birthday.TheletterthatlaunchedPenny’ssearchforherbirthmother.

“Shedid?”Thomas’seyebrowsdartedin.Ah,Mikaremembered,Pennywouldn’tletThomasreadthelastwordsCarolinehadwritten
toherdaughter.

Pennywavedahandatherfather,dismissinghim.“Changingsubjectsnow.I’mdyingtoseeyourgalleryspace,”shesaidto
Mika,herdarkeyesintense.“Canwegotomorrow?Givemeatourbeforeeverybodyelsegetstoseeit?”

Oh,Mikathought.“Oh!”Mikasaid.Leifhadsenttheaddresslastnight.Hadsaidshecouldgetinsideanytimethenextday.
She’dclearedhercalendartocheckoutthespace,whipitintoshape,butshehadn’texpectedcompany.SheglancedatHana.
Amusementtiltedthecornersofherfriend’smouth.“Sure!”sheagreed,backedintoacorner.Shewouldcomeupwithanexcuse
later.

“Ihatetocutthisshort.”Hanapushedawayfromthetable.“ButI’vegotarollerderbygame.”
“Rollerderby?”Pennyechoed.
“Youguyswanttocome?It’sviolentandbloodthirsty,mightbeupyouralley,”Hanasaid,andPennylituplikeaChristmas
tree.“There’sopenskateafterward.”

Pennygrippedthetable.“Yes,yes,somuch,yes.”
***
Thomas,Penny,andMikasatinthestandsandwatchedHanaskateintotherinktwentyminuteslater.Thomaseyedthewomen
deckedinshortshorts,tanktops,skates,helmets,andprotectiveeyewear.“Wedon’thaverollerderbyinOhio,”hemurmured.

“What’sHanadoing?”Pennyasked.
Mikasatbackinthebleachers.“She’sthejammer,soshe’llstartbehindherteam,”Mikabegan,explaininghowpointswerescoredwhenonejammerlappedamemberoftheopposingteam.Foranhourandahalf,theyrootedHanaon,wincingwhensomeoneelbowedherandbooingwhentherefcalledatrackcut,penalty.BythetimeHana’steam,AsianInvasion,defeatedtheirrivals,FreshMeat,Pennywasbouncinginherseat.HanacalledPennydowntotherink,andPennyleapeduptojoinherforopenskate.
“Wanttowatchfromthebeergarden?”Mikaasked,pointingtotherink’send,wheretherewasanopenareawithpicnicbenches
andabar.

Thomasrubbedhisknees.“ShouldIbeworriedaboutthis?DoIneedtohavemyinsurancecardready?”Intherink,Hanawas
outfittingPennywithahelmetandkneepads.

“No,”Mikasaid.“She’llbefine.Hanawilljustshowhersomemovesandintroducehertosomeofthegirls.”
Soonenough,theyweresettledinthebeergarden,afrostyIPAinfrontofThomas,aglassofhardciderinfrontofMika,
watchingasagirlwithfullarmtattoosandsafetypinsinherearsshowedPennyhowtoblock.

Thomaswipedatthecondensationgatheringontheoutsideofhisglasswithhisthumbs.“Youknow,Ihadreservationsabout
thistrip.”

“Youdon’tsay?”Mikateasedhimwithasmile.Shesippedherdrink.
Thomas’sgazegrewserious.“I’msorry.I’vebeenagrouch.It’sbeenabad…Shit,Idon’tknow,Iguessit’sbeena
badfewyears.IthoughtPennywasdoingokaywitheverything.It’sbeenjustustwoforsolong.Sheneverevenaskedabout
you.Itshockedthehelloutofmewhensheannouncedshe’dfoundyouandwasplanningtovisit.”Herubbedhischest.“I
don’tthinkI’veadjusted.Plus,thereisthiswholeletterCarolinewrotetoher.Shewon’tletmereadit.I’mtryingto
respectherwishes,butdamn,itfeelslikeallPennydoeslatelyiskeepsecretsfromme.”Thomasstaredintohisdrink.

ThecornerofMika’smouthtwitcheduncertainly.“So,Pennyiskeepingsecretsandtryingtoestablishherselfoutsideofyou.Soundsanawfullotlikeateenagegirltome.”Sheplacedahandtoherchest.“Ispeakfromexperience.”
Ifanything,thismadeThomasbroodier.Hisbrowsknittogethermoretightly.“Well,shit,Idon’tlikeanyofthat.”
“She’sagoodgirl.Agoodperson,yourdaughter.”
Henoddedthoughtfully.“IusedtothinkCarolinewasthebestthingthateverhappenedtome,butthenPennycamealong,
andIfeltguiltybecauseshe…well,becausesheisthebestthingthateverhappenedtome.”

Mikasaidnothing.Thoughshethought,Same
“She’sgrowingup,Iguess,that’sall,”saidThomas.
“Sheis.Butshe’smakinggoodchoicestoo.Likehowshehandledeverythingwiththatboyfriend…”Mikatrailedoffat
Thomas’sconfusedexpression.

“Whatboyfriend?”
“Shit.”Mikachewedhercheek.“Ishouldn’thavesaidanything.Pleasedon’ttellherItoldyou.”
Thomascrossedhisfingeroverhisheart.“Iwon’tsayaword.”
Mikatriedtoremembertheirphoneconversationabouthim.“JackorJames,Ithinkhisnamewas.”
“Jack,”Thomasconfirmed.“Shetalksabouthimsometimes.”
“Well,Iguesstheyweretogether,butshebrokeitoffwithhim.”Mikaleanedforwardandwhispered.“Becausehekeptwanting
tohangoutinroomswithmattresses.”

Thomas’slipcurled,andsodidhisfist.“Thatmotherfucker.”
Mikaplacedahandoverhis,thenpulledback.Heatspreadupherneck.“Calmdown,andleavehismotheroutofit.Penny
hasagoodheadonhershoulders.”IwantsomeonewhothinksI’mbeautifulbecauseofmymind,Pennyhadsaidaftershe’dbrokenupwithhim.

Thomasflexedhisfingersandrelaxed.“Well,okaythen.”Hegulpeddownhisdrink.Ahalf-laughrattledoutofhim.“I’mnotusedtothis.It’shardtoshareher.”
“Icanimagine,”Mikasaid,theslightestedgetohertone.She’dsharedPennyfromthebeginning.
“Right.Sorry.”ThomasgaveMikaanembarrassedsmile.Hewaswearingahoodietoday,dartmouthrowingetchedacrossit.Helookedyoungerthanhisforty-sixyears.

“YoumindifIaskyouaquestion?”
Mikafinishedherbeer.“Goahead.”
“Doyouregretit?”Thomasasked.
Mikatiltedherhead.“Regretwhat?”
“Penny,”hesaidafterasecond.“Givingheraway,Imean.”
Mikastilled.Surrender.It’stheactofgivingyourselfovertoforcesgreaterthanyou,Mrs.Pearsonhadsaid.“Itwastherightdecisionattherighttime,andevennow…Iwouldn’thavewantedanyoneelse
toraisePenny.Sheisexactlywhosheshouldbe.”Mikapaused,thensaid,“Butyes.There’salwayssomeregrets,aren’tthere?”

Thomas’seyescloudedinthought,thenhesaid,“That’sallpartoftheuniversalexperienceofhavingachild.”
AtThomas’salludingtoMikabeingPenny’sparent,warmthspreadinherchest.Justthen,Pennyskatedup.Herfacewasflushed,
hereyesshining.HerhandsheldaT-shirtfromthegiftshop.“I’mtotallybuyingthis.”Shehelditupinfrontofher.
EmblazonedacrossthechestwasthesewillrockurfaceoffinoldEnglish.

Thomaslaughed,thenquicklysobered.“No.Absolutelynot.Tryagain.”
Pennypouted.“But—”
AnotherthingImissed,Mikathought.Shemayhavebeenabletochoosewhoraisedherdaughterbutnotwhatclothesshewore,orwhattoyssheplayedwith,orwhatbeddingshesleptunder.Overtheyears,she’dpauseinkids’departments,runningherhandsoverbabybootiesortoddlerswimsuitsorgraphictees,andshe’dthinkaboutwhatPennymightbewearing.Somanythingsshemissed.Somanythingsshelost.
Mikapoppedup.“C’mon,I’llhelpyoupicksomethingelseout.”
Timeforado-over.ChapterFourteen
Eighta.m.,andMikawasawake,textingPenny.Yousureyouwanttoseethegallerytoday?It’sreallyamess.AspearofshamestruckMika,butshequicklyshoveditbackintotheholeitcrawledfrom.Ipromiseit’lllookgreatbythetimeyoushowuptonight!sheadded.

Pennytextedbackalmostimmediately.Noproblematall.Icouldevenhelpyougetitsetup!Idon’tmindgettingmyhandsdirty.Textmetheaddress?Withadefeatedsigh,MikadidbutaskedPennytogiveherafewhours’headstart.ShetextedLeiftoconfirmStanley,the
artist,wasexpectingher.Herepliedwithathumbs-up.

Onherway,Mika’sphonedingedwithatextfromHana.Pennyisawesome,shesaid.Knowwhatelseisawesome?
MikahadgonetosleepbeforeHanahadgottenhome,thenleftbeforeHanahadwokenup.Usually,thetwowereonthesame
scheduleoflatenightsandlatermornings.Butlately,Mikahadbeengettingupearlier,mostlytomaximizetimewithPenny
whileshewasinPortland.

Mikatappedoutaresponseataredlight.Letmeguess.Cheesecakeforbreakfast?Sweatpants?Interpretivedance?
Thelightturnedgreen,andherphonerang.Sheglancedatthescreen.Hermothercalling.Again.Herheartdropped.NodoubtHiromiwaswonderingifMikahadfoundajobyet.Shedeclinedthecall.Soonafter,herphone
litwithanewvoicemailalert.AnotherredlightandHanahadtextedback.Yes,allthosethings,plusGarretthaschronicdiarrhea.HehastoquitthetourtotakecareofhisIBS.Shefollowedwithasadfaceemoji,thenapartyhatemoji.ThismeansIwillbegoingontourwithPearlJam.
Mikareplied,First,pleasedon’tevertellmeaboutGarrett’sbowelmovementsagain.Second,Iamveryhappyforyou.
Idea!Hanasaid.Youshouldcomewithmeasmyemotionalsupportanimal.Freehotels,meals,backstagepasses…Whatdoyouthink?We’d
leaveinacoupleweeks.
Mikapulledupandparkedoutsidearun-of-the-millwarehouse.AsignadvertisedFirstThursdayseveryfirstweekofthemonth,
atimewhenpeoplecametodrinkwinefromplasticcupsandhopfromboothtoloft,previewingup-and-coming,butmostlystarving,
artists.

Sheletherselfinthroughaheavydoor.Onthewallwasaregisterlistingdifferentartistsinresidence.creationsbydaphne,suiteone.zenproducts,suitetwo…stanleywolf,suiteten.
Mikaheadedupthestairs,knockingonthedoorofsuitetenbeforesteppinginside.“Hello,”shecalled.Metallicaplayed
onanoldstereoandassaultedherears.ItsmelledlikethetimeMikaburnedapotontheoven.Allaroundwereheapsof
twistedscrapmetal—rebar,steelbands,ironbars.Naturallightfromfourhugewindowsfilledthespace.Amanheldablowtorch
inthecorner,sparksflyingfromitasheworkedonasculpture.Theblowtorchcutoff.Theguyraisedhismaskandclicked
offthemusic.

“Hullo,hullo!YoumustbeMika?”Hecrossedtheroom,strippingoffgloves.“Stanley.”HestuckoutahandforMikatoshake.Hewaswhitewithbrightblueeyesandashockofdyedblackhair.Oneofhisearswaspierced,afeathereddangleearringhangingfromit.
Mikashookhishandandsmiled.Thenshesteppedbacktopeerupataseven-footsculpture.Itwashardtodecipherwhatit
wassupposedtobe.Aman,maybe?Buthisbackwashunchedandtwisted.“Thisisinteresting.It’schargedwithsuchastrong
emotionalquality.”

Stanleyblushed.“Leiftoldmeyou’relookingtosetthisspaceupasagallery.”
Mikamovedmorefullyintotheroom.“Iam,andifyou’reuptoit,Ithinkthiswilldefinitelywork.”Thespacewasoozing
withpotential.Ahalfdozenmoresculpturesweregroupedinthecorner,bodiesbenttowardeachother,likeloverstaking
refugeunderanawningduringastorm.IftheyclearedStanley’sequipment,thesculptureswouldstandoutinthevastroom,
illuminatedbytheceiling’scannedlights.SheglancedatStanley.“Yousureyoudon’tmind?Medisplayingyourwork,taking
overyourstudiotoday?”

“Nope.”Stanleythrewhisglovesontopofaneclecticmixofmaterials,includingasetofoilsandaneasel.Mikastared
atthepaintsandclenchedafisttokeepthetremorsatbay,acombinationoffearandlonging.Therewasalsoabottleof
turpentine,andshebecameparalyzedforamoment.Becameutterlystillasifabeastinthewoodswerestalkingher.

“I’mprettymuchdonehere.So,it’sallyours.Therearesomecansofpaintandrollersinthecorner.Leifthoughtyoumight
wanttogiveitallafreshcoat.I’llletyoudoyourthing,”Stanleyannounced.

Jarred,Mikasmiledvacantly,heardherselfmutterathank-youtoStanley.Thedoorslammed.Sheswallowed,shookitoff,androlleduphersleeves.Timetowork.
***
Twosweatyhourslater,PennytextedthatUberhaddroppedheroff.Mikahoppeddownstairstomeether.
“Hiiiii,”Pennysang,skippingover.“Whatdoyouthink?”Sheheldherarmsout.Todaysheworeajeanjacketandthenew
shirtMikahadpurchasedforherunderneath.They’dexchangedtherockurfaceoffshirtforanAsianInvasiontee—thelogoapairofchopsticksstuckinrice.

“Ilikeit,”Mikasaid.SeeingPennyhappymadeherhappy.
Pennyscrunchedhernose.“ItriedtoconvinceDadtobuymehairdyelastnight.Ifeellikethiswholelookcouldbeelevated
ifIhadabluestreakhere.”Shepickedupalockofhairframingherface.

“Don’tdothatonyourown.Ibleachedmyhairinhighschool,andittookayeartogobacktonormal.Ifyoudecideyou
reallywantit,beresponsibleandgotoaprofessional.”

Pennynoddedgravely.“Goodcall.”
“How’dyousleep?”MikaaskedassheledPennyupthestairstothegallery.
“Likeadream,”Pennyanswered.“I’msoexcitedtoseeyourspace.”
Mikatuggedonherear.“There’sstillalottodo…Don’tgetyourhopesuptoohigh.”AtPenny’sconcernedface,she
added,“I’mjustfeelingthepressuretogeteverythingright.Theopeningistonight.”

“Igetit.I’mthesamewaybeforeatrackmeet.Anxiousandexcited,youwanteverythingtogoperfectly.”
“Exactly.”Mikaopenedthedoor,andPennyentered.
“Whoa!”Pennyexclaimed,bypassingMika.
“What?”Thatbad?MikatriedtoimaginethespacethroughPenny’seyes.Despitehereffortsoverthelastfewhours,theareawasstillmessy.
Theweldingequipmentlayheapedinapileinthemiddleofthefloor,alongwithvariousartsupplies.

“Needssometidyingup,”Pennysaid,circlingthespace.
“Yeah,”saidMikaalittledejectedly.
PennystaredatMikaamoment.“Well.”Pennyclappedherhandstogether.“Betweenthetwoofus,Ithinkwecanhaveitall
cleanedupinanhourortwo.”

“Yousureyoudon’tmind?”
“Ofcoursenot!”Pennysaid.“Wheredoyouwanttostart?”
Mikatappedafingeragainstherlips.“Let’sclearallthisequipmentout.”Mikacrossedtheroomtoopenwhatsheassumed—hopedwasacloset.Shepeekedinside.Dusty,emptyspace.Sheflungthedoorwide.

Together,theyworkedtirelesslyforthenextsixtyminutes,haulingweldingequipmentandscrapmetaltothecloset.Sweatdottedtheirbrows.“Thisintheclosettoo?”Pennyasked.Atherfeetwerethepaintingsupplies.
Mikaflexedherhands,tryingtodispelatremor.Shefocusedonacoupleofstubbygraphitepencils.Marcusdiddrawings
inpencil.Asingleshardofbrokenpotterythat,ifyouturnedyourheadjustright,resembledabeatingheart.Arotten
bunchofbananas.Adrywell.Neartheendofwinterterm,Marcushadwonanawardforthepotterydrawing.

Congratulations,MikagrinnedatMarcus,alittleoutofbreathfromracingacrosscampustoseehimafterherarthistoryclass.They’dmoved
onfromtheVirginMary.NowtheyfocusedontheRenaissance,wherewomenweredrapedoverchairs,paintedinhalfshells,
orfloatingoncloudswiththelightfocusedontheirhips,theirthighs,theirbreasts—readytobefeastedon,devoured.
Mikawasinhisofficeandthrustagiftathim,anelectricpencilsharpenertoppedwitharedbow.Ithadbeenarunning
jokebetweenthemthatMarcususedanoldsharpenerthatyoutwistedbyhand.

Thanks,herepliedwiththeslightestsmile,pickingattheribbon.

Whatareyougoingtodowiththeaward?IthinkyoushouldhangitbyyourdeskMikagesturedattheplaquefromtheSouthwesternInstituteofArt.

Idon’tknow.I’llprobablyendupusingitasanashtray,hesaid,scratchingattheovergrowtharoundhischin.

Well,youshoulddefinitelycelebrate,Mikaadded.

Actually.MarcuseyedMika.We’regoingtogatheratPete’sapartmenttonightfordrinks.Ididn’twanttodoanything,butheinsisted.Whydon’tyou
come?
Mikahadblushedfuriouslyandbeamed,instantlythinkingaboutwhatshemightwear.I’dloveto.Thanks
“Mika?”Pennywasinfrontofher.
Mikatriedtotwisthermouthupintoasmile.“Sorry,gotlostinthought.Youmindputtingtheminthecloset?”
Pennynoddedmutelyandscoopedupthepaints,disappearingintothecloset.Mikabrokeapencilunderherheelandkicked
itintothecorner.Shewanderedtothesculpturesandmentallysortedthroughthem,wheretheyshouldbeplaced,howthey
shouldbesequenced.Shechoseone,themosthunched,andpusheditclosesttotheentrance.Shewasonnumberfourbythe
timePennyfinishedwiththepaintingsupplies.

“Wow,”Pennybreathed.“That’sveryeffective.”
Mikasteppedbackandwipedthesweatfromherbrow.Eachsubsequentsculpturebentslightlylessthantheprevious,like
afilmofstillsnapshotsofthesametwistedfigureslowlyunravelingtostandupright.“Ithinkitlooksgoodtoo.”This
timeMikasmiledforreal.Proudandsohappy.

Theymovedthefinalsculpturesbutlefttheonedrapedinheavycanvas.“IthinkStanleyisstillworkingonthatone,”Mika
explained,wipingherhandsonherjeans.“I’lltouchbasewithhimlaterandseewhereweshouldplaceit.Wemakeagood
team,”Mikasaid,andPennysmiled.“Youwantsomethingtodrink?Isawavendingmachinedownthehall.”

“Soundsgood,”saidPenny.
TheyusedtheloosechangefromthecupinCharlie’scartobuywatersandafewbagsofchips,thensatcross-leggedonthe
galleryfloor.“What’syourdaduptotoday?”Mikaasked,arrangingthefoodaroundPennylikeanoffering.

“Idon’tknow.Probablyworkingorsomething.Iactuallyaskedhimnottocome.”
“Youdid?”
Pennybitherlip,fingersstillonapackageofDoritos.“Yeah.Ithoughtitwouldbeniceifitwasjustthetwoofus.Ilovemydad,but…hecanbeabitofawetblanket.”
Mikasmiled.“Notgoingtoargue.”ButthenshethoughtofThomasattherollerderbyrink,watchingPennywithsuchdevotion,
suchadmiration,suchpride.“Hedoesseemlikeaprettygreatdad,though.”

AwispofasmileappearedonPenny’sface.“Heis.EspeciallywhenIwasyounger.Heusedtoreadtomeeverynight.Itwas
kindofourthing.Iloved‘Goldilocks,’andhe’dalwaysreadthislineaboutherlongbeautifuldarkhairthatshoneinthesun,thenhe’dlookatmeandsay:‘Justlikeyou.’ThenwhenIwasolder,Iflippedbackthroughthe
bookandrereadit.He’dchangedthewordsfrom‘light’to‘dark’andcoloredinthepicturesofherhairwithaSharpie.”

“That’sreallysweet,”Mikachokedout.
“Wehaven’tbeenascloselately,”Pennysaid,brushingacrumbfromherknee.“I’mnotsureifit’smechangingorhimor
bothofus.Probablymostlyme.SometimesIjuststareatmyreflectionandthink:‘Whoareyou?Whoareyou?’”

WhoamI?Thatquestionagain.Mikahadseenadocumentaryoncethatcatalogedthelivesofadoptedchildren,howtheirlivesmight
havedifferedhadtheybeenraisedbybiologicalparents,naturevs.nurture.WhatmadePenny,Penny?Howmuchofherwas
definedatbirth,andhowmuchwasdeterminedthroughtheyears?WhatpartshadMikagivenherdaughter?Thomas?Caroline?
Herbiologicalfather?Anddiditevenmatter?“Youknow,”Mikasaidslowly,“ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,Idon’tthinkany
ofusknowwhoweare.I’vespentmyentirelifetryingtofigureitout.”

Pennyhikedupherchin.“Thatdoesmakemefeelbetter.Atleastalittlelessalone,Iguess.”
“You’renotalone.”MikareachedoverandsqueezedPenny’shand.
CompanionablesilencesettledbetweenthemuntilPennystoodupabruptly.“Ican’tbelievethistripisalmostover.”
“Ican’teither,”saidMika,standingtoo.Thedayshadflownby.Tomorrow,PennyandThomaswouldleave.Mikaimaginedwhat
wouldhappenafterPenny’sdeparture:Pennywouldcallafewmoretimes,makeaneffortatkeepingintouch.Butthenthe
callswouldslowlyfadeintooblivion.AndthisghostshipofalifeMikawassailingonwouldcometoport.She’dgoback
toherreallife.ButwhowasMikainreallife?AndwhowasshenowwithPenny?WithoutPenny?“Iwishwehadmoretime,”
Mikasaid,andatthewords,ajumbleofemotionsknottedandlodgedinherthroat—reliefatthecharadebeingoverandsorrow
atlettingPennygoagain.Sheknewonethingforcertain:Mikainreallifewasvery,verysad.

“It’sfunnyyousaythat,”Pennyremarkedcasually.“There’sagreatsummerrunningprogramhereattheUniversityofPortland.”
Shepaused,eyestrainedonthefloor.“AndIappliedforitlastnight.”

“Youdid?”Mikakepthervoicelevel,thoughshewasfeelingsomuch.Surprised.Terrified.Thrilled.
“Yeah.IlikePortland.”PennygazedatMika,searchingherface.“AndIreallylikeyou.Ifeellikethisallfitsmehere.”
“Ihadn’tconsideredyouwantingtocomeback.”Mika’smindspuninadizzyingcircle.ShewantedPennytostayforever.It
washerdreamcometrue.Keepher.Neverlethergoagain.Butwhataboutallthelies?Thegallery?Theboyfriend?Shemightbeabletosustainthem.Pennywouldbebusywithherrunningprogram.They’dgettogetherintheevenings,theoccasionalweekend.IfPennywantedtomeethergrandparents,MikawouldpretendtheywereonanothercruiseorvisitingrelativesinJapan.Theydothateverysummer,shepicturedherselfsaying.Buyticketsearlyintheyear,nonrefundable.AndasforherrelationshipwithPenny…she’dkeepbuildingit,feedingit,growingit.She’dfocusonwhatwasreal:
Sharingherthoughtsandfeelingswithherdaughter.Supportingher,listeningtoher,lovingher.“Whatdoesyourdadsay?”

Pennysuckedinabreath.“He’sactuallycoolwithit.Well,he’spretendingtobecoolwithit.WhenItoldhimitwasnearly
thewholesummerandstudentsstayedoncampusinthedorms,hekindofclenchedup,butthen,like,visiblyforcedhimself
torelax.”Anotherpause.“So,wouldyoubeokaywithit?Withmecomingback?You’dwantmeto?”

Penny’squestionfeltloadedwithanespeciallyloadedword—want.“OfcourseIwantyoutocomeback,”Mikaansweredautomatically,hersoultakingoveranyrationalthought.

“CanIjustsaysomething?”Pennyasked,voicereedy.AndMikanoddedandwonderedwhengirlslearnedthattheyhadtoask
permissiontospeak.“I’mjustsohappybeingherewithyou.AndIhaven’tbeenhappyforalongtime.”

SomethinginthecenterofMika’schestfeltwarmandgooey.“I’msohappytoo.”ChapterFifteen
Armsfullofwinebottlesandplasticcups,MikashoulderedherwayintoStanley’sstudioagainlaterthatevening.“Here,
letme.”Leifjoggedover,relievingheroftheload.

Shefollowedhimtothebackwherealongfoldingtablehadbeensetup,whiteclothdrapedoverit.Hearrangedthewine
andstarteduncorkingit.“Leif.Icannotthankyouenough.”MikaviewedherandPenny’shandiwork,impressedandproud.The
sculpturestoldastorynow.TheonlythingleftwasStanley’sfinalpiece,stilldrapedincanvasinthecenteroftheroom.

“Youhaven’tseenthebestpart.Checkitout.”Leifshowedheralittleacrylicstandwithbusinesscards,hernameimprinted
onthem:mikasuzukigallery,thenherphonenumber.Overthetablewasabannerthatsaidthesamebutnophonenumber.“Adellehelpedmakethem.She’s
greatwithdesign.”

“Oh,wow.”Mikapickeduponeofthecards,runningapaddedfingertipoverthesharpcorner.Thiswasasclosetoherdream
asshe’deverbeen.Backwhenshepainted,shehadyearnedtoseehernameonanexhibit—imaginedherownworkunderthespotlights.
Shakinghandswithadmirers.Discussinghowsheusedlighttocapturethesubject.Andthoughthiswasslightlydifferent,
seeinghernameinastudio,withthewordgallerynexttoit…itwas,well,itmadeheremotional.ShepeeredupatLeif,wordstangledinherthroat.“Leif…thankyou.Idon’tknowhowI’lleverrepayyou.”
“It’scool.”Hethumbedhisbottomlip,tryingnottosmile.
“It’snot,”Mikasaid.Shepressedon.“Ishouldn’thavesaidthethingsIsaidwhenwebrokeup.I’msorryIcalledyour
dreamsstupid.They’renot.”

“Ididsomeshitthatwasn’tcooleither.Ishouldn’thaveaskedyoutotransportseedsforme.”Heopenedhisarms.“Truce
hug?”HedidhisChrisFarleyvoice.

“Truce,”Mikasaid.Theysmiledateachotherandembraced.
Thedooropened.MikatoreherselffromLeif.Thomas,Penny,andStanleyshuffledintothegallery.Sherushedtothem.Thomasworehissuitfromtheothernight,andPennystillworeher
rollerderbyT-shirt.“Thisisamazing.Wewalkedaroundoutsideforafewandsawalltheartistsputtinguptheirtents.
It’ssuchacreative,happyvibe,”Pennysaid.“AndIthinkinhonorofyournewshow,Ishouldhaveaglassofwine.”

“Notgoingtohappen,”Thomassaid,humorinhislighteyesashestaredatMika.Hermindblanked.Theirgazesheld,stretching
intoanuncomfortablesilenceuntilLeifinterlacedhisfingerswithMika’sandsqueezed.

“Hey,nicetoseeyouagain.”LeifshookThomas’shandinawaythatseemedalmostprotective.“Gladyoucouldbehereto
supportMika.”

Stanleyclappedhishandstogether.“Well,sinceeveryonehasarrived.Youallreadytoseethepiècederésistance?”His
accentwasbad,sobad.

MikaslinkedawayfromLeif’shold.“Yes,please.”ThenshewhisperedtoThomasandPenny,“Ican’twaittosee.Stanleyis
atalentedartist.”

Stanleymovedtothesculptureandstrippedthecanvaswithawhoosh.Mikasquinted,unsurewhatshewasseeingatfirst.Metaltwistedtogethertoformtheheadofadogbutthebodyofaman?Yes.And…apenis.Mika’sbraincaughtinahamsterwheel.Itwasallshecouldsee—averylarge,veryerectpenis.
“Penny,closeyoureyes,”Thomassaidquietly.
“Noway,”Pennysaid.
“Well,whatdoyouthink?”Stanleystoodproudlybythelastsculpture.“I’mdestigmatizingthemaleform.”
Leifoutandoutgrinned.“Iloveit,Stanley.You’veoutdoneyourself.”
Mikatriedtohidehersurprise.Sheswallowed.“Yes,Icanseeit.”Whatcouldshesay?“Theweldingworkisphenomenal.
Youcanreallyfeelthestrengthoftheanimal.Don’tyouthink?”Mikawasn’tsurewhoshewasasking,buthereyesconnected
withThomas’s.

Thomasshifted,slidinghishandsintohispockets,eyescrinklingwithhumor.“Yes,very…”Hecouldn’teven.Hecoughed
intohisfist.“Sorry,thirsty.”Hethumpedhischest.“IthinkI’llgetadrink.”

PennysteppedtoMika’sside.ShelockedarmswithMika,bringingherinclose.“Idon’treallyunderstandart,butIthink
thisisgreat.Ifyouloveit,Iloveit,”Pennysaidunconditionally.

“Youdo?”Mikaasked,voicesoftening.
“OfcourseIdo.Allofthisexistsbecauseofyou,”Pennysaid.Andtheysqueezedeachotherinakindofhalf-hug.
Thenightwenton.Stanley’sartreceivedalotofattention.Badorgood,itremainedtobeseen.Hanamadeanappearance
butlefttogoskiparoundthebooths.Thegallerygrewhotandcrowded,andsoonallthewinehadbeenconsumed.“Ihave
moreinmycar,”Mikasaid.

“I’llhelpyou.”Thomashadremovedhissuitjacketandrolleduphissleeves.HefollowedMikadownthestairsandtotheparkinglot.Coldnightairgreetedthem,andMikaslowedforamomenttoletitpressagainstherwarmface.Thesunwassetting,andtheaislesofvendorandartistboothswerecastinaredglow.Therewasahintofrainandthebuzzofconversationintheair.
“Thisfeelsgood,”Mikasaid,fanninghercheeks.
“Yeah.”Thomasambledbesideher,handsinhispockets.“Idon’tknow,somethingaboutallthatart…”Hetrailedoff.
Mikaglancedupathim,alarmed.Hismouthwassetinafirmline.“What?”
“Itwasrubbingmethewrongway.”Thecornerofhismouthcurled,andhiseyestwinkled.
“Ha,ha.”
“Sorry.”Thomashelduphishands.“Icouldn’thelpmyself.I’lltryharder.”

“Keeplaughing,buddy.AndI’llhaveaseriousbonetopickwithyou.”Mikasmiledwryly.
Heplacedahandoverhismouthandlaughed.Mikalikedthesound,lowandhusky.“You’reright.I’lltrynottobesococky.”
Theycametothecar,andsheopenedthedoortothebackseat.“Isthatalloutofyoursystemnow?”
Thomasshookhishead.“Actually,I’vegotaboutanhour’sworthofmaterial.Surprisinglytwojokescenteraroundghosts.”
“Whoknewcopyrightlawyersweresofunny?”Shegrabbedabottleofwine.“Myfeelingsmightbehurt,butIknowthisall
comesfromyourlackofknowledgeoffineart.”

“Ouch.”Thomaswinced.Hewrappedhisfingersaroundthebaseofthewinesotheywerebothholdingthebottle.“HaveIhurt
yourfeelings?”

“No.”Mikafeltherselfflush.“Ofcoursenot.Stanleyisanexcellentwelder,buthisconceptsneeddeveloping.”Orjustburning.Somethingsshouldn’tseethelightofday.Bettertostartfresh.
“It’sabeautifulexhibit,Mika,”Thomassaidthickly.
Mika’sheartskippedabeat.Forafullsixtyseconds,neitherspoke.Thomas’slidslowered.Blink,andshemighthavemissed
it.Theheatinhiseyes.Thepulsehammeringinhisneck.Thetelltalesignsofdesire.Whatwouldhappenifsheclosedthe
gapbetweenthem?Theairwaschargedwithpossibilities.Sheshookherhead.Thisisridiculous.Shewasridiculous.EntertainingthethoughtofThomas’slipsonhers.Sheletgoofthebottle,thezapofelectricity
shortedout,andshetoedthegravelontheground.“Th-thankyou,”Mikastammeredout.Hereyesdriftedtothebackseat
ofthecar,tothebottlesofwine.“Um,Ihavehalfadozenmore,mostlyreds,but…”Herthroatwasdry.“Butweshould
beabletogetthemallbetweenthetwoofus.”

“Sure.Right.”Thomassteppedback.Theyloadedupwiththedrinks,thensetoffbacktothegallery.
Betweensteps,shestoleglancesatThomas,examininghisrelaxedface.Hadsheimaginedit?Theheatinhiseyes?Definitely.Hehadsaidsomethingnicetoher,thatwasall.Whenwouldsheeverlearn?She’ddonesomethingsimilarwithMarcus.Projected
herfeelings,readtoomuchintohissmiles,hiskindness.She’dconfusedlustwithlove.Letherdesireeclipsereality.
Letherselfbecomelostinit.

ThenightofMarcus’sparty,she’darrivedearly.Afterknockingonthedoor,she’dappraisedheroutfit.Thetights,plaid
skirt,andfineturtlenecksweatermadeherfeelolder,butreally,she’dbeenalittlegirlplayingdress-up.Peter,the
graduatestudenthostingtheparty,hadansweredthedoor,Marcusbehindhimintheemptyapartment.

I’mearly,shehadsaid,twirlingtogo,I’llcomeback.
Marcusgrinned,grabbedherarm,andpulledherthroughthedoor.Hiseyeswereredandhazy.Drunk,already.You’rerightontime,hesaid,spinningheraround.Heplacedahandonherbackandswayedtothemusic.Sherestedahandonhisshoulder.It
wasthefirsttimeshe’devertouchedhim.Sherememberedthesinewyfeelofhismuscleunderherfingers,hishotskinburning
throughthefabricofhisshirt.Rightbehindher,anotherfewpeoplecame—graduatestudents,acolleagueortwoofMarcus’s.

PeterbroughtMikaadrink,somethingstronginaredSolocup,thenshewasdancingwithMarcusagain.Laughing.Shefelt
hisattentionlikeaphysicalforce,aboulderrollingintoher,ahandturningherintoanewdirection.She’dbeensmitten
fromthebeginning,fallingunderhisspell.Thinkingofkoinoyokan—thesensationuponmeetingsomeonethatfallinginlove
withthemisinevitable.

Coolwindsweptthrough,forcingMikatothepresent.Shebowedherheadinthefleetingshame.“So,”Mikasaid,squinting
againstthedyingsunlight.“Pennytoldmeshe’sapplyingforasummerprogramhere.”

“Yes,”Thomasintoned.“Sheannouncedthattomethismorning.”
“Shesaidyou’reokaywithit.”
Thomasletoutalittlelaugh.“Idon’tthinkIhavemuchofachoice.”Theirpaceslowed.“ButIamokaywithit.Ithink
thishasbeengoodforPenny.”Hegrewthoughtful.“Forus.Plus,”headded.“You’llbehere.”

Mikacouldn’thelpasmilefromcreepingacrossherface.ThomastrustedMikatolookafterPenny.“I’lltakegoodcareof
her.”

Theycametothewarehouse,andMikausedherbacktopushthroughthedoor.Shetrompedupthesteps,awareThomaswasbehindher.Theydepositedthewineonthetable,andLeifsettouncorkingit.“You’reallflushed,”hesaid
Mika’sstomachflipped.“It’swarminhere.”
Leifeyedhersuspiciously,thenThomas,whostoodoverhershoulder.“Whileyouweregone,Stanleygotacommission.”
“Hedid?”Mikapouredherselfahealthyglassofwine.
“Somehipsterwantshimtosculpthimselfasacentaur,”Leifsaid.
Mikanearlychokedonthesipshe’djusttaken.Shepattedherchest.“Mygod.”
Pennyjoinedthem.“Ifeellikeweshouldtoasttotheevening.Leif,wouldyoumindpouringmeaglassofthatcabernet?”
“Penny.No,”Thomassaidagain.
Pennyshrugged.“Neverhurtstotry.”
“Mi-chan.”Mikashookherhead.Shecouldhaveswornshe’djustheardhermother.Shecouldn’thavepossibly,though.What
wouldHiromibedoinghere?“Mika.”Hernameagain,thistimeunmistakable.

Mika’sbloodrancoldasshestraightenedandslowlyturnedononefoot.TherewasHiromi,hairslickedbackintoanunforgiving
dome,knee-lengthskirt,andpurseslungoverherelbow.“Mom,”shesaid,stunned,poleaxedreally.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Thechatterinthegallerydiedaway.Itwasliketheywereinabubblesuddenly—Leif,Penny,Thomas,Mika,andHiromi.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Hiromiflungback.

“Hi,”Thomascutin.“I’mThomasCalvin.Penny’sdad.”Hestuckouthishand,andHiromistareduntilhedroppedit.
Pennysteppedforwardtoo,ahesitantsmileonherface.MikacouldonlywatchasHiromiandPennylookedateachother,saweachotherfortheveryfirsttime.Noticedhowtheysharedthesamecheekbones,thesametinynoseandbow-shapedlips.How
theirhandsweresimilartoo,thinwithlongishfingersthattaperedintoovalnails.Howiftimefast-forwardedafewdecades
ahead,Hiromimightbeanage-generatedportraitofPenny,ofMika—becausebloodalwaystells.Mikaknewthemomentitregistered
forHiromi.Hermother’slipsparted.Herblackbuttoneyeswatered.Shecouldn’tstopstaringatPenny.

Athergranddaughter.
“Thisissoamazing!Ithoughtyouwereonacruise,”Pennysaid,totallyuninhibited.Whywouldn’tshebe?Pennywasused
tobeingloved,tohavingothersloveherinreturn.Shedidn’tknowHiromididn’twantMikatohaveher,didn’tknowthat
insteadof“baby”or“her,”HiromicalledPenny“it.”

“Cruise?”Hiromi’sravenbrowsdartedin.“I’veneverbeenonacruise.”
“Hey,kiddo,”Thomassaid,callingPennysoftlybacktohim.
Mika’sstomachplunged,anelevatorwithitscablescut.“Mom.”Shecouldn’tthinkofanythingtosay.“HowdidyouknowI
washere?”

“Ifollowedyou.Youhaven’tbeenreturningmyphonecalls.Iwasworried.What’sgoingon?”Hiromi’seyesfellonthebusiness
cardsonthetable.Thenonthebannerabovethetable.mikasuzukigallery.“IsthiswhatyouspentthemoneyIgaveyouon?”sheasked,gesturingatthegallery,armencompassingtheterribleart.
“You’resupposedtobelookingforajob.”

MikasawThomas’sbrowdipinconfusion.SawPenny’ssmiledissolve.Sawthequestionsformingintheireyes.
“Okāsan,”Mikasaid,inchingforward,handouttoguidehermotheraway.“Let’stalkoutside.”
HiromisidesteppedMika.“What’shedoinghere?Ithoughtyoubrokeupwithhim?”ShestaredatLeif,facetwistingasif
staringataplateoffoodshedidnotlike.

Mikarubbedherbrow.Feelingthepiecesfallaroundher.Howcouldshepickthemallupwithonlytwohands?“Wedid.But…”
Atthat,Thomas’slighteyesflared.
“We’reworkingthingsout,”Leifinterjected,tryingtohelpintheworstpossibleway.
Hiromisnorted.Thenoisesaiditall.“Andwhoisthis?”sheflickedahandatPenny,anditseemedtofallonMika’sdaughter
likeaphysicalblow.Pennyflinched.“Mi-chan?”Hiromipressed.HiromiknewexactlywhoPennywas.Itwasunmistakable.But
thiswasHiromi’sefficientway.RefusetoacknowledgeMikahadhadababy.Wieldherwordslikeapairofgardenshears.
ClipMikadowntoanub.

“Mika?”Thomaspressed.
ButMikadidn’thaveananswer.Shecouldn’tanswer.Attheprospectoflyingagainortellingthetruth,Mika’smindcame
toacrashinghalt.Herworldhadspunoutofcontrol.Coldspreadthroughher,inherfeet,intoherhands,intoherbones.
Allover.Shewasfrozen.

Thomasclearedhisthroat.“ThisisPenny.Mikaisherbirthmother.”Hepaused,putanarmaroundPenny,pulledherin.“It
soundsasifyouandyourdaughterneedtotalk,andIthinkweshouldletyou.”Thomasmovedtogo,butPennybrokefrom
herfatherandsteppedovertoMika.

“Lookingforajob?Whywouldyoubelookingforajob?Youquittoopenthegallery.Thisisyourjob,”Pennysaid,browfurrowed.“I’msoconfused.Yousaidyoutookoutabusinessloanforthegallery.Butyouborrowedmoneyfromyourparents?Didyoulieaboutthat?Whywouldyoulieaboutsomethinglikethat?”Hervoicecracked,pleaded.
Mika’sshouldershunchedwithheaviness,withthepastcatchingupwithher.Sheregrettedsomanythingsinthatmoment.
UnderPenny’sscrutiny,whatelsecouldshedobuttellthetruth?“Ididn’tquitmyjob,”shesaidinawhisper.“Iwasfired.”
Pennystoodstock-still,butherfacewasopen,willing,wantingthisalltobeamisunderstanding.Mikaclearedherthroat.
“Iborrowedmoneyfrommyparentstomakeendsmeet.”

Pennyshookherhead.“Istilldon’tunderstand.”
Mikarubbedherlipstogether.“Um…Ididn’ttellyouthetruthaboutalotofthings,actually.Idon’thaveanart
historydegree.Ibarelygraduatedcollegewithabusinessdegree,andittookmeeightyears.Sincethen,I’vehoppedaround
jobs.ThegalleryisStanley’s,herentsfromLeif,theyletmeborrowitfortoday.AndLeifandIaren’tacouple.Wewere,
butwebrokeup.”Sheopenedherhands,smiledhelplesslyatPenny.“Ican’tseemtoholdontoanything.”

“Mika,”Leifsaidsoftly,sadly.
“Soyou’realiar?”Pennyflickedout,eyesblazing.
Thomas,Penny,Leif,andHiromialllookedtoMika,andMikalookedaway,sick.Shecouldn’tsayitaloud,soshedippedher
chininsilentconfirmation.Yes,Iamaliar.
“C’mon,kiddo,”Thomassaid.“Ithinkwe’redonehere.”MikaglancedupasThomaspeeledPennyaway,tuckingherunderhis
armagain.

“Whywouldshedothat?”Pennywhispereduptoherfather.Atearsliddownhercheek.
“Idon’tknow,”Thomassaid.“Butlet’sgobacktothehotel.We’lltalkthere.”ThomasmadeeyecontactwithMika.Henoddedonce,eyesexactingandunforgiving—asetofcloseddoors.“Goodbye,Mika.”
Pennyletherdadleadheraway,andMikastoodthere,rootedtothespot.Watchingastheywalkedoutofthegallery,out
ofherlife.Thedaysheleftthehospitalaftershe’dhadPenny,anursehadpushedheroutinawheelchair,depositingher
onthebenchrightoutsidethematernityward,Hanabesideherwiththeirbackpacks.Theysatforawhile.Mikastaringoff
intospace,flexingheremptyhands.Doctorsandnursescameandwent.Anewmomrolledout,herbabyinthecarseatwith
balloonstiedtothehandle.Thedadpulleduptothecurbandgentlyassistedthemintothecar.

Everyonejustgoingabouttheirbusiness.Nothingtoseehere.Theirworldsturning,whileMika’shadstopped.She’dbeenpregnant,hadgivenbirthtosomethingaliveandwonderful,had
heldontoitforafewprecioushours,andnowitwasgone—herbaby.AndMikawasleftwithnoreminderofwhathadbeen
exceptsomecrampingandbleeding.

Ifwedon’tgosoon,we’regoingtomissthelastbus,Hanagentlypressed,hervoiceatinnywobble.Agustofwindtoreatherhair.Thelightleachedfromthesky.

Yeah,okay,Mikahadmurmured.

Now,allaroundthemwerepeopleagain.Viewingtheartasifnoneofthiswashappeninginthecornerofthegallery.As
ifMika’sheartwasn’tbreakingalloveragain.ShefocusedonHiromi.Eventhoughitshouldhavebeendrilledoutofher,
itwasstillMika’snaturalinstincttosearchouthermother.

Hiromiopenedhermouth,clickedhertongue.“Mi-chan,”shesaidwithsuchutterdisappointmentitmadeMikatunnelevendeeper
intoherself,intoaspacewherenoonecouldfollow
Someonesqueezedhershoulder,Leifprobably,butMikacouldn’tfeelhimthroughallthelayersofpain.Mikawantedtoscream.MikawantedtorunafterPenny,clingtoherlikeivy.ButMikadidn’tmoveaninch.Shedidn’tmakeasound.Shedidasshe’dbeentaught.Holdinthepain.Besilent.Don’tmakeascene.Interstitial
ADOPTIONACROSSAMERICA
NationalOffice
56544W57thAve.Suite111
Topeka,KS66546
(800)555-7794
DearMika,
I’vetriedcallingbuthaven’tbeenabletogetaholdofyou.CarolineCalvinpassedaway.I’msurethisisdifficultfor
you.IwanttoassureyouPenelopeisinthebestofhandswithThomas.Theyhavelotsofextendedfamilysupportingthem
throughthistime.DoyourememberseeingpicturesofCaroline’sparents?Theyliveinthearea.Pleasecallmeifyouneed
anythingorjustwanttotalk.Iamhere.

Allmyverybest,
MonicaPearson
AdoptionCoordinator
P.S.I’veincludedthefuneralpamphlet,whichcontainssomelovelywordsfromThomasaboutPenny.Interstitial
Caroline“Linney”Calvin1972–2016
Dayton,Ohio
CarolineAbigailCalvinpassedawayonJanuary21,2016.CarolinewasbornonSeptember19,1972,andgrewupinDayton,Ohio.
Shemarriedherchildhoodsweetheart,ThomasPrestonCalvin,acopyrightattorney,inMayof2000.Sheworkedasapediatric
nurseandwasknownforherbedsidemanner.Patientsoftencommentedonherkindnessandwillingnesstositandchatfora
while.“Shealwayshadtimeforus,”apatient’smothersaid.

CarolinedreamedofhavingafamilyandfulfilledthatdreamwhensheandThomasadoptedtheirdaughterPenelopein2005.
Afterthat,CarolineleftherjobasanursetoraisePenny.Uponlearningofherterminalcancerdiagnosis,Thomastooka
leaveofabsencefromhisjob.Thethreetraveledbutspentmostoftheirtimewithfamily,whichwasthemostimportantthing
toCaroline.

FromThomas:Carolinelovedawell-donehamburger,makingquilts,gardening,andpoetry.Shewasalsoobsessedwithbargainhunting—sheneverpassedonadeal.Butmostofall,shelovedourdaughter,Penelope,whomadehersmileupuntiltheveryend.FromthemomentweadoptedPenny,weinstantlyexperiencedmorethanalifetimeoflove,atleastthat’swhatCarolinealwayssaid.Ican’tcountthenumberoftimesshe’dlookatmeandsay,I’msohappyrightnow.Inherlastmoments,Carolineassuredmethatherheartwasfull.Withherfinalwords,shewishedforPennyandanyoneelsewhomournshertoknowthatnomatterwhat,lovealwaysreturns.ChapterSixteen
Mikawasathome,inherbed,sleeping—dreaming.Shewasten,inakimonoandonastage,asinglelightilluminatingher.Theauditoriumhadredcushionedseatsandwas
empty,exceptforthetwoseatsinthefrontrowoccupiedbyherparents.Thebackoftheauditoriumblewaway,chunksof
woodsplinteringintheairasifabombhadbeendetonated.Notabomb,butastorm.Atornado,andcaughtinitsswirls
wereapplepies,plasticredSolocups,tubesofpaint,brokenbitsofpottery.Mika’smouthopenedinascream,andshefelt
herselffallingdownthetunnelofherownthroat.

Thedreamshiftedtoreality,toamemory.
ShewasbackinPeter’sapartment,atMarcus’sparty.Bodiescrammedintothesmallspace.MarkMorrisonplayedontheloudspeaker,
“ReturnoftheMack.”Mikaleanedagainstthewall,watchingMarcusacrosstheroomgrindagainstagraduatestudent.Her
eyesandbodywereheavy.Shethoughtitwasfromsadness,butlateron,she’drealizeitwasfromsomethingelse.Sheblinked,
slowlidded,anddroopy.Whensheopenedhereyes,Peterwasinherdirectlineofvision.

Hey,hesaidwithawolf’sgrin.Ibroughtyouanotherdrink.He’dbeenrefillinghercupallnight.Hetippedituptohermouth.Mikaturnedherhead,andbeerspilleddownhercheek,soakedthefrontofherblacksweater.
Idon’tfeelgood,shesaid.

Peterhookedanarmaroundherwaist,promisingtotakehersomewherequiet.Shestumbledandleanedintohim.Thentheywere
inhisbedroom.HelaidMikadown,andshewatchedthroughahazeasheclosedthedoor.Lockedit.Thenoisesfromtheparty
silenced.Shedriftedoff.AndwoketoPeterontopofher,pinninghertothemattress.

Shetriedtopushhimoff,buthermovementswereslow,sludgetravelingdownawall.No,shesaid,thenlouder,No.Hishandsmelledliketurpentineashehelditoverhermouthandsqueezedhercheeks,elicitinghottears.Allshecould
dowaswatchhimthroughawateryhaze,hisfacefragmented,acubistpainting.NotMarcus,butPeteraboveher.Itwasn’t
right.Itwasn’twhatshewanted.Shewatchedthetimeonhisnightstandclock,theminutestickingaway.12:01,12:02,12:03,
theexacttimePennywasconceived.Thenhereyesrolleduptotheceiling.Thebedcreakedlikeachop,chop,chop…piecesofherfallingaway.Inasinglemoment,herlifebifurcated,evenslicesofbeforeandafter.

Mikastartledawakewithagasp.Herfingerssearchedherthroat,flutteredoverherhammeringpulse.Thememoryfled,and
sheclosedhereyes.Breatheddeeplyandheavily.Shewassafe.Itwasover.Thoughtsjumbledup,realitypickedawayatthe
miasmaofdreamsandmemories—nightmares.Penny.Thomas.Theartgallery.Anewcordofpanictwistedaroundherlungsand
pulledtight.Theirflightleavesatelevenfifteen.Shemightbeabletocatchthemattheairport.Shedressed,pullingonsweatpantsandasweatshirtdiscardedonthefloor.
Whenshecameoutofherroom,Hanawasinthekitchen.Mikadidn’tsayawordasshefranticallysearchedforherkeys.

“Well,goodmorningtoyoutoo,”Hanasaid,sippingacupofcoffee.
Mikadidn’tstoplooking.Underastackofpapers.Inthecouchcushions.Wherewereherfuckingkeys?Herchinquivered.
“PennyandThomasareleavingtoday,andIfuckedupsobad.Ineedtogettotheairportandtrytofindthem,butIcan’t
findmyfuckingkeys.”Mikajammedherpalmsintohereyesuntilshesawwhitespots.

“Youmeanthese?”That’swhenshenoticedHanawasn’ttheonlypersoninthekitchen.Aslight,petite,brown-hairedgirl
heldherhandaloft,keysdanglingfromherfingertips,metalglintinginthebrightmorningsunlight.“I’mJosephine,by
theway,”shesaid,smiling,showingoffadimpleinherleftcheek.Hanagrinnedtoo.

“Thanks.”Mikasnatchedthekeysandshovedherfeetintohershoesnearthefrontdoor.
“Youwantmetodriveyou?”HanachasedMikaoutthefrontdoor.
“No.”Mikawavedahand.“It’sfine.Itwillallbefine.”
Thedrivetotheairportpassedinablur.Weavinginandoutoftraffic,somehonking.Herheartpoundingasifshewere
apersondrowningintheocean.Sheparkedinthedeparturesdrop-off-onlylaneandjumpedfromhercar.Everywhereweresigns
thatread:loadingandunloadingonly,donotleavecarunattended.Asecurityguardinabrightyellowvestblewhiswhistle.“Ma’am,youcan’tleaveyourcarhere.”

Mikadidn’tlisten.Toointentonsearchingtheoutsideforasplashofdarkhair,foratallmanwithasetofbroodyeyes.
Theyweren’toutside.Sheranthroughthedoubleglassdoorsandvaguelyrememberedtheairlinetheywereflying.Alaska.Shescurriedtotheticketingbooth,scannedthelines.NoPenny.NoThomas.Whattimewasit?Shefoundadigitalclockbehindthecounter,10:35a.m.Sherantothedeparturesboardbutcouldn’tremembertheirflightnumber.Butshewasabletoconnectthedotswiththeflightanddestination.Thereitwas.Inbigcapitalletters:boarding.Ahandcuppedherbicepandpulledher.“Lady,youcan’tleaveyourcar.”

Shejerkedherarmaway.Herchestfelttight.Whatwashappeningnowseemedinevitable.Acrashcourseofeventssetfor
sixteenyearsinthefuture.Shecouldn’thelpbutthinkofwatchingMrs.PearsontakingPennyawayatthehospital.Herhands
clutchingthetinybundle.Herbaby.Thiswasit.Pennywasgone.Again.Bereft,herkneesbuckled.Itrolledoverher,acoldbluetide.“Penny,”shewhispered.

“Seriously,lady,”thesecurityguardsaid.“I’mgoingtotowyourcar.ThenI’mgoingtohavetocallthepolice.”Mikastood
woodenly.Herbodywouldn’twork.Thesecurityguardshiftedclosertoher.Hewavedahandinfrontofherface.“C’mon.
Don’tmakemecallthepolice.Myshiftjuststarted.Ifyougobacktoyourcarrightnow,we’llforgetthewholethingever
happened.”

Finally,Mikanoddedvacantlyandstaggeredaway,spiritseparatingfromherbody.Itwasmuchthesameaswhenshe’dleft
Peter’sapartmentthemorningafter.He’dbeensleeping,andMikahadwokentohisarmthrownacrossher.Sheeasedfromhis
hold,satontheedgeofthebed,andexaminedherlowerhalf—thedamage.Ananimalassessingitself—ifitwastoowounded
torun.Herskirtwasstillon,buthertightsandunderwearweregone.Herthighsweretender,blackandbluewiththemarks
offingerprints.Shestoodandwaveredbutmanagedtotiptoetothedoor.Heartpoundingateverylittlenoise.Afraidshe’d
wakehim.PersephoneskirtingCerberus.

Sheinhaledherfirstdeepbreathassheburstoutofthebuilding.Thenstumbledthroughthecampus.Torntights.Tornskin.Tornsoul.Herbodyasmallapocalypse.Therestsherememberedabstractly.Ajaggedyellowlineofsick,palesunlight.Windsosharpitrippledtheshortgrassandburnedhercheeksandwhippedherbarethighs.Twoblacksplotches—crowsfightingoveradiscardedcontainerofwatermelon.Aflashofbluefromalightatopaspecialtelephone.IfMikapickedupthereceiver,someonewouldcomeescorthertosafety.Sheconsidereditbutdiscardedtheideaaseasilyasagumwrapper.Howmanysexualpartnershaveyouhad?Thepolicemightask,eventhoughitwasnobody’sbusiness.AndMikawouldsayeight,twoofwhichshecouldnotremember
verywell.ButshedidrememberPeter.Rememberedsayingno.Yetwhowouldbelieveher?Thisgirlwhowastedherlifepainting,
spenthernightsatfratparties,andoncegaveablowjobtoaguyinabackyard.Whendidawoman’sdecisiontohavesex
becomeabarometerforhonesty?Mikadidn’tknowtheanswer.Shejustknewittobetrue.

Acarhornblared,andMikastartled.Shewasbackintheairport,theguyintheyellowvestscrutinizingherfromthecurb.
Go,hemouthedandpointedtotheexit.

Shedrovefarenoughtoparkinthecellphonewaitinglot,thenhitthesteeringwheelbeforecollapsingagainstit.She
waslostagain.Lostandalone.

Howdideverythingalwaysgosowrong?
Sheleanedback.She’dliedtoPenny.Herintentionshadbeengood.Butthatdidn’tmatter.WhatmatteredwasPennyhadbeenhurt.ThatwasthelastthingMikawanted.Wasn’tthathowthishadallstarted?Allshe’dwantedwastoprotectPennyfromthetruth,fromlearningaboutPeter,aboutherself,fromtheknowledgethattheworldcouldbesuchaterribleandcruelplace.ShehadwantedtoshowPennythattheadoptionhadbeenworthitforbothofthem.Pennyreceivedalovingfamily.Mikaachievedherdreams.
Sherolleddownherwindows,letthemorningchillthetearsonherface.Smelledtherainandthefresh-cutgrass.Thenshe
drewoutherphone,andbeforesheknewit,shewascallingPenny.

“You’vereachedPenny.Leaveamessage.”Penny’svoicemailpickedup.Shewasprobablyintheairbynow.
“Penny,”Mikascratchedout,cordsinherthroattightening.“It’sme.Ofcourse,youknowit’sme.I’msosorry.Sosorry,”
sherepeated.Thenpaused,gatheringherselfup.“Ioweyouanexplanation.Whenyoucontactedme…”Shegrippedtheseat,
andtheleatherturnedtoflannel,theroughfeelingofPenny’shospitalblanketunderherhandsassheheldherbabyclose
andfedherabottle.Mikakepttalking,lettingthetruthspillout.Babblingonabouthowshe’dbeensosurprisedwhenPenny
called.Howshe’dassessedherlifeandcameupwithhandsempty.Howeverythingseemedtosnowballafterthat.Aminutepassed
thatfeltmorelikeanhour,andMikafinishedwithanother“I’msorry.”Shewaspreparedtospendherlifeapologizing.“I
don’tknowwhatIwasthinking.Ijust…IguessIjustwantedyoutobeproudofme.Pleasecallme.Please.”Shepressedthepoundbutton.Adisembodiedvoicedirectedhertohitonetosendthemessagenow.Shehesitated;theunholy
truthfeltriskierthanthelies.Shedrewherfingerclosertothebutton,aknifeaboveawoundreadytolanceit.Shehit
theoneandslumpeddown.

Itwasdone.
Abreezeruffledherhair,andshebrusheditfromhereyes.Shesatforawhilemore,watchingthegraysky,listeningto
thesoundofplanesdeparting,feelingasifshe’dtime-traveled.ShetappedoutatexttoHana.Ineedyou.Hanarespondedalmostinstantly.Iamhere.Waitingforyou.Josephineisgone.Comehome.
Mikaputhercaringearanddrovehome.ToHana,toaplacewhereMikaalwaysfeltperfectlyloved.Aspromised,Hanawas
waiting,herarmsopen,andMikafellintothem,findingcomfortinherbonyshoulder.Theyhadthesamebodyshapeandfit
togetherperfectly—fillingallofeachother’shollowplaces.Thisiswhatshe
HanawhiskedMikainsideandsatherdownonthecouch.“Comeon,tellmeallofit.I’llmakeyouanomelet.”
“Wedon’thaveanyeggs,”Mikasaidandstartedtocryalloveragain.Shepulledathrowblankettoherandblewhernose
intothesoftchenille.

HanapulledMika’shandsfromherfaceandheldher,strokingherhair.“It’sokay,”shesaidoverandoveruntilMikabreathed
alittleeasier.

“Sit.Iwillfindsomethingtosootheyou…andsometissues,”Hanasaid.Twentyminuteslater,Hanaplacedacupofnoodle
soupinMika’shands.ShewaitedforMikatotakeacoupleofbites,thenencouragedhertosipthebroth.“Now,”shesaid.
“Tellmewhathappened.”

MikatoldHanahowithadallblownupinherface.AboutHiromishowingupattheopeningandexposingMika.OfchasingPenny
andThomastotheairportandtheramblingvoicemailshe’dleft.“Youthinkthey’llgetbackintouch?”Hanaasked.

Mikashrugged,resistingtheurgetocheckherphoneandseeifPennyhadcalledortexted.Ofcoursetherewouldn’tbeanythingthissoon.PennyandThomaswereflyingrightnow.“Honestly,I’mnotsure.Idon’tknowifthetruthorliesarebetter.”Sheturnedthemugofsoupslowlybetweenherpalms.
Hanapursedherlips.“DoyouwantmetocancelthePearlJamtour?”Shewassupposedtoleaveinthreeweeks.
“What?No,”Mikasaid,swipingunderhernose.“Don’tbesilly.Youshoulddefinitelygo.Noneedforbothofustobesad
sacks.”

“Butyouneedme…”
“No.Absolutelynot.Iforbidyoutoeventhinkofit.”Mikasethercupdownonthecoffeetable.Painstillzingedthrough
herabdomen,butsheignoredit.“Now,enoughaboutme.TellmeaboutJosephine.”

AsmilebrokeacrossHana’sface,alongwithafuriousblush.“Notmuchtosay.ImetherlastnightatSheila’s”—ahipster
hole-in-the-wallgaybar.“She’sanartist.Shedoesthingswithmixedmediaandherhandsyouwouldn’tbelieve.”Hanawriggled
herfingers.

“TMI.”Mikawavedahandevenasagrinflickeredoverherface.
“Justsaying.”Hanashrugged.“Idon’tknow,allthiscleaningoutofthehouse,it’sbeenagamechangerforme,Ithink.”
“You’rehappy,”saidMika.
“I’mhappy,”Hanasaid.
“I’mglad,”MikatoldHana.“Loveyourface.”
“Loveyourfacemore,”Hanasaid,thenaddedquietly,“Iwon’tgoifyoudon’twantmeto.”
Mikashookherheadbutcouldn’tformthewordstosaynobecauseherthroatknotted.SheknewHanameantit.Shewouldstay.
AndMika’sheartthreatenedtoburstatthesimplepromise.
ChapterSeventeen
Mikadidn’tleavethehouse.Forseventy-twohours,shesubsistedonThaitakeout,DietCoke,andasteadystreamofLaw&Order:SVU.Everytimesheblinked,shesawthegalleryopeningontheinsideofhereyelids.Blink.Penny’sfacewhenHiromithrustoutahandandsaid,“Whoisthis?”Blink.ThomaswrappinghisarmaroundPennyasshetuckedherchinintoherchest—shrunken,sad,dejected.Blink.Pennytippingherheaduptoherfather,tearsslidingdownhercheeksassheaskedhim,why—whydidMikalie?Theimages,
thepain,neverdulled.

Shecheckedherphoneandemaileveryfiveorsominutes—nomessagesfromPennyorThomas.Shetriedtoputthetwooutof
hermindbutfoundherthoughtsdriftingtowardthemifshewasn’tcareful.ShemissedPenny’ssmile,herwhirlwindenergy.
AndshemissedThomastoo,hischarminggrumpyvibe,thewayhelovedPenny.Ashiphadarrivedontheshoreshesharedwith
PennyandThomas.IthadcometoretrieveMika,takeherbacktoexile,whereshebelonged.

Hanaappearedinthedoorwayoftheroom,threadingagoldhoopthroughherear.ShewasgoingoutwithJosephineagain.Third
timethisweek.“MoreSVU?”

Mikashiftedonthecouch.SheworeanoldGratefulDeadshirtshe’dstolenfromLeifandapairofloosesweatpants.Herphonewasclosebyonthecoffeetableamongthelitteroftakeoutcontainers,sodacans,andbagsofchips—lastnight,Mikahitrockbottomandsnackedonthecornnutsstuffedinthebackofthecupboard,arelicfromthepreviousownerofthehouse.“Yep.Seasoneleven,theepisodewhereStablerandBensonsuspectasugardaddyofmurderwhenayoungwoman’sbodyisfoundstuffedinsideasuitcase.”
“Ah,ataleasoldastime.”Hanadroppedacompactintoherpurse.“Yousureyoudon’twanttocomewith?”
“Pft,”Mikasaid.“Iwouldn’tdreamofcrashingyourdate.”
“So,thisisyourplanfortheevening,televisionandtakeout?”Hanapickedupacontainerfromthecoffeetableandsniffed
it.

MikarolledtoherbackandeyedHana.“Yes,andcontemplatingabunchofstuffthatmakesmerealizethebanalityofmyown
existence.”

Hanasetthetakeoutcontainerdown.“Well,whileyou’respiraling,doyouthinkyoucouldeatsomethingwithavegetable
init?”

“Padthaihasvegetables,”Mikasaidwithmildoffense.
Hanasnortedandopenedthedoor.“I’mspendingthenightatJosephine’s.I’llseeyouinthemorning.”
Mikagavehertwothumbsup.ShelistenedasHana’scarpulledawayandcurledontoherside.Herphonepingedwithanincoming
text,andherheartquickened.Hopewaslikethat,aheliumballoontangledinbranches,refusingtostaydown.Thelastfew
timesthishappened,ithadbeenHiromiorLeiforCharlieorHayato.Shewasanequal-opportunitydecliner,swipingright
oneach.Still,shepickedherphoneup,poisedattheedgeofdisappointment.

Penny.
Hernamelitupthescreen.Ilistenedtoyourmessage,shehadtexted.Whencanwetalk?
Mikabolteduprightandshutthetelevisionoff.Rightnow?sheansweredPenny.Shestoodandstartedpacing,phoneinhand.Fiveagonizingminuteslater,itrang.Sheansweredright
away.“Hi,”Mikasaid.

“Hi,”Pennysaid,notherusualbrightself.She’ddonethat.MikahaddimmedPenny’slight.SomuchofMika’ssenseofworth
hungonhowherdaughterfelt,aboutlife,abouther.“So…”

“So,yougotmyvoicemail.”Mikakepthervoiceeven,airy.Asiftosay,Goon,punishme,hitmeifyouwant,Icantakeit.
“Yeah.Ilistenedtoitassoonaswegothome.”Threedaysago?Pennyhadhearditthreedaysago?“Ittookawhileforme
tosortouteverythingIwasfeeling.”

AlumpformedinMika’sthroat.“Iunderstand.”
“Idon’tunderstand,”Pennysaidsharply.
“Okay,”Mikasaid.Shestoodandwalkedtothekitchen,retrievedaglassfromthecabinet,andfilleditfromthefaucet.
Whenwasthelasttimeshehadwater?Phonepressedbetweenhershoulderandear,sheasked,“Whatdon’tyouunderstand?”

“Whyyoudidn’tkeepme?”Desperationsharpenedtheedgesofherwords.
Mikastartled,notexpectingthatquestion.Butshesupposedthey’dbeenworkinguptoit.Ithadalwaysbeenonthefringes
ofherandPenny’srelationship,apairofhandspullingitapart.“Icouldn’t,”shesaid,leavingthekitchentositdown
ontheedgeofthecouch,thinkingofhowunequippedshe’dbeenatthetime.MikarememberedtheInstagrampostsshe’dseen.
Allthosewomen,newmotherswithbabies.Thecommentssectionslitteredwithseeminglypositivereinforcement.Yougotthis!You’reonetoughmama!Digdeep!Encouragingeachothertopushthemselvesbeyondtheirlimits.Themessagingwaspervasive.Agoodmotherwouldn’tabandonherchildren.Wouldn’tabandonherbiologicalduty.Ifshedid,theremustbesomethingwrongwithher.Orwithheroffspring.DidPennyfeelthatway?ThatherDNAwasmessedup?
Foronewholeminute,Pennywassilent.“Didyouwantme?”
“Ididwantyou.”Mikainhaled.Exhaled.She’dwantedPennydespitePeter.DespiteHiromi.Despitehermother’squietdiscontent.
“Iwantedyou.ButIwantedthingsforyou.Betterthings.Iwantedyoutohaveabighouse,afamilyandparentsandcousins
andgrandparents.Iwantedyoutogotoagoodschoolwithnewsuppliesandclothes.IwantedyoutohaveeverythingInever
hadandwouldneverbeabletogiveyou.That’showmuchIwantedyou.”ForMikaplacingPennyforadoptionhadbeentheultimate
actoflove.Pennydeservedbetter.Pennyremainedsilentontheotherendoftheline,butMikacouldhearherbreathing,
eachexhaleandinhalelikeametronome.“Iknowthisisallsomessedup.Iliedtoyou,andIwillbeforeversorry.”She
forgedon.“Ifyou…Ifyoucanfindawaytoletmebackintoyourlife,IpromiseIwon’teverlietoyouagain.”

Thestonysilencecarriedonforanotherbeat.“Wasitbecauseyouwereashamedofme?”Pennyaskedfinally.
Mikastraightened.“No!”sheblurted.HowcouldPennythinkthat?“It’stheopposite.Ididn’twantyoutobeashamedofme.”Mikafeltthetighteningconstraintsofmotherhood.Tobestrongenough.Tobesmartenough.Tobeenough.Butshecouldn’t
relaythattoPenny.Howshefeltsomethinginsideherwasmissing,derelict.“Mylifeisn’tpretty.It’sarealshitshow.”
ThatgarneredasoftlaughfromPenny.Mikaranwithit.“Imean,IkeepabagofchocolatechipsopenonthecountersoI
canreachinwheneverIwalkbyandhaveahandful.”

Pennylaughedagainbutsoberedquicklyandturnedsad,wistfulalmost.“Wasanyofitreal?”
GuiltandsorrowracedthroughMikalikeasetofbloodhounds.IthadallbeenrealtoMika.Thehugs.Thewarmfeelings.
Thewanting.Thelove.Thatwasalltrue.Butshecouldseewhatshe’ddone.Bylying,Mikahadrenderedtheirrelationship
meaningless,atleasttoPenny.“Honestly,Ikindofmixedthingsup,blendedthetruthwithfiction.Hanaismybestfriend,
andshedoesloverollerderby.ButIdon’tliveonmyown.IlivewithHanabecauseIcan’taffordaplace,andshe’saterrible
hoarder,oratleast,shewas—she’sdoingbetter,actually.Leifismyex-boyfriend.Hedoesn’thaveadegreeinbiochemistry
butdoeshavealoveforit;heappliedittowardgrowingmarijuana.HeownsadispensaryinPortland.Hewearsmostlyhemp
andbelievesinunbanking.”

“Thatactuallymakesalotofsensenow.”Penny’svoicewarmed.
“Whenwedated,heusedacrystalfordeodorant.”Mikapaused.“Itdidn’twork,”shesaidasifwhisperingasecretinPenny’s
ear.Pennygiggled.Mikafloppedbackwardandplayedwiththedrawstringonhersweatpants.“Whatelsedoyouwanttoknow?
I’llansweranyofyourquestions.”

Pennygrewquiet.“Thereissomething.”Shehesitated.“IwantedtoaskinPortland,butitneverfeltliketherighttime.”
“Shoot,”Mikasaid.
“Myfather…Imean,mybiologicalfather.Doyou…knowhim?Likehisnameoranything.”
NowMikagrewquiet.SheimaginedtellingPennyaboutPeter,therape.Mikawincedagainstthatword.Rape.Suchanuglyterm.Shehadtroubleusingitinconjunctionwithwhathappenedtoher.Thoughherbodyrememberedtheviolence,
hermindrefusedtocapitulate.Notme.Itcouldnothavehappenedtome.Shewasn’ttheonlyonewhohadtroubleusingtheword.Media,newsoutlets,theypreferredsexualassault.Itseemednicer,gentlersomehow.Awomanmightrecoverfromanassault,butshemightneversurvivearape.Anddeepdown,
Mikawashauntedbyherinactionsthatnight.Herpaltryno.Thewayshelaylimp.Thewayshecouldn’tbeanagentinher
ownsalvation.HowcouldMikaexplainittoPenny?Sheseparatedherdaughterfromtheevent.DidithelpthatwhenPenny
wasborn,shelookednothinglikePeter?ShetookafterMika’sside.WouldshehavereacteddifferentlyifPenny’sskinwere
lighter,hereyesrounderandgreen,herhairbrownratherthanblack?No,Mikathoughtwithabsolutecertainty.Iwouldhavelovedherthesame.Sheusedtogazedownatherswollenbellyandwhispertoit,promising,He’llneverknowyou.
“Areyoustillthere?”Pennyprodded.
“Justthinking,”Mikasaid.“I’m…”Sheswallowed.SometimesshelookedPeteruponline.HewasanartistinNewYork
now,withafamily,anditwasconfusingtoMikahowhemightbetenderwithotherswhenhe’drippedintoherlikeapiece
ofrottenfruit.Hehadn’tmadeitbigyet,buthemadealivingatit,withtheoccasionalfreelancecommissionlandscape.
“Therearethingsinmypastthataredifficulttotalkabout.”ItoccurredtoMikathatPennywasavictimofPeter’stoo.
Theybothhadburdenstocarry.Butitdidn’thavetobePenny’syet.Somedayshe’dconsidertellingPenny.Butbeforethat,
shewouldfillPenny’sheadwithhowgoodshewas,howbeautifullystrong,howloved
Pennywouldunderstand,eventhoughthatwaswhereshecamefrom,itwasn’twhereshewasgoing.“Forrightnow,youknoweverythingyouneedto.Iknowthisisn’tfairtoask,butyou’regoingtohavetotrustmetotellyouthingswhenI’mreadyandrespectwhatIcan’ttalkaboutyet.”Mikafeltitthen.Asubtleshiftintheirrelationshipfromfriendship…towhat?Shewasn’tsure.Butitwasmore.ArecognitionthatPennywasonlysixteenandMikawasthirty-five.Nearlytwodecadesoflifeexperiencesseparatedthem.Shewouldn’tlorditoverPenny,butshewoulduseittoprotectherdaughterattheveryleast.
SheheardPennytakeasteadyingbreath.“Okay,”shesaidfinally.“Icanacceptthat.”
Mikasighedwithrelief.“Someday,Ihopeyoucanforgiveme,”shesaid.“Iimagineyou’restillangry,andthat’sokay—”
“Iam,”Pennycutin.“But…notsoangryIneverwanttospeakagain.Istill…Istillhavesomanyquestions.I
wanttotrustyou,butI’mnotsureIcan.”

“Okay.Youneedtime.Icanacceptthat,”Mikasaid,echoingPenny’swords.“Ihopeyoucanforgivemeforgivingyouupfor
adoptiontoo.”Mightaswellgoforbroke.

“Oh,”Pennysaid.“AsfarasI’mconcerned,there’snothingtoforgive.It’slikeaskingyoutoapologizefortheskybeing
blue,orformebeingJapanese,orbornawoman.Somethingsjustare.Thisisapartofme.”

TearsspranginMika’seyes.“Thankyou,”shesaid.
“Yeah,”Pennysaid.Abeatpassed.“Ishouldprobablygetgoing.It’slatehere.”
Mikasatupandswipedunderhernose.“Sure.Ofcourse.Doyouthink…Couldwetalkagainsoonsometime?”
“Wanttogivemeacallnextweek?”Pennyasked.
“Yes,”Mikaanswered,andshetriednottosoundtooeager,toodesperate.Theysaidgoodbye.Andafter,Mikasatforawhile,
mentallysortingthroughtheirconversation,thenherlife.AfterPeter,afterPenny,shedidn’tthinkmuchofthefuture.
Couldn’timaginelifeanymore,allofthebeautifulinfinitepossibilities.Butnow…nowshewenttothekitchenandretrievedthegarbagecanfromunderthesink.Withasingleswipeofherarm,shesweptthecontentsoffthecoffeetable,dumpingitintothebin.Shepickedupthethrowblanketshe’dbeenhibernatingunderandfoldedit,placingitoverthearmrestofthecouch.Thatdone,shesatagainandpeeredatherphone.AtallthemissedcallsfromHiromi.Stillnotreadytospeaktohermother,shehitcallbackonanotherperson’sphonenumber.
Hayatoansweredonthethirdring.“Hey,you.”
“Hey,”Mikasaidcheerily.“Howareyou?”
“Good.I’mgood.Howaboutyou?”Inthebackground,shecouldhearatelevision,thevoiceofafamousnewscaster.
“I’mdoingokay.”Mikasmiled.“IwashopingImightbeabletobuyyouadrinkandtalktoyouaboutajob.”ChapterEighteen
“What’syourfavoritemovie?”Pennyaskedthefollowingweek.TheurgetosaysomethingmorerefinedsatonthetipofMika’s
tongue—TheShawshankRedemption,Schindler’sList,TheGodfather—butshesettledfortheoneshewatchedoverandoverwithHana.“DumbandDumber,”sheanswered.

Pennyhadn’tseenitandwatcheditovertheweekend.“Whyisityourfavoritemovie?”shepressedMikaontheirnextcall.
“Idon’tknow.It’sfunny,right?”Mikasaid.Sheleanedagainstthekitchencounter.Thephonepressedagainstherear.She’d
justhadherfirstinterviewatNikeandwasstillinhercollaredtopandpencilskirt,sansshoes.Oversugarydrinks,Mika
hadunburdenedherselftoHayato,tellinghimaboutPenny,theadoption,thelies,andhercrumblingfinances,thenasked
himtohelpherwithajob.He’dbeenhappyto.Anduponhisadvice,she’dscouredNike’scareerpageandappliedforthe
firstposition,administrativeassistantII,shequalifiedfor.Hayatohelpedmoveherapplicationtothetopofthepile.

“Hilarious,”Pennyagreed.
MikathoughtmoreaboutPenny’squestion.“Itwaskindofanescapeforme.Ididn’thaveaneasychildhood.Myparentsareverytraditional,andtherewasn’tmuchroomforhumorinourhome.”
“Weretheyangrywhenyougotpregnantwithme?”Pennyasked.
“Iactuallydon’tknow.”Hiromi’sfaceflashedinhermind.Shestillhadn’tspokentohermother.Whichwasn’tunusual.They’d
spenddays,weeks,evenmonthsnottalkingtoeachother.Buteventually,Mikawouldalwayscomeback.SherememberedHiromi
breakingdownoverabunchofbananassoonafterthey’dmovedtotheStates.

Stopbuyingsomany,Shigehadsaid,eyeingtherottingfruitonthecounter.

Ican’t,Hiromihadsaid.Idon’tunderstandwhytheycomeinsuchbigquantities.Whoneedsadozenbananas?
YouneversplitthebunchesinJapan,andHiromihadassumeditwasthesameinAmerica.Shedecidedtocomplaintothestore
manager.InbrokenEnglish,shebeggedhimtoputoutsmallerquantities.He’dlaughedandsaidshecoulddoitherself.Hiromi
thoughthewasmakingfunofher.ButMikaunderstoodandshowedhermother.It’swhatkeptMikatetheredtoHiromi.Thethought
thattheymightbelostwithouteachother.

“Mymotherwasdisappointed,”shesaidtoPennynow.Shepaused.Felthermother’sderisionbeatingdownonherlikeahot
desertsun.Whatdoyouknowaboutraisingababy?“Verydisappointed.”

“Sometimesthat’sworse,”Pennysaid.
“Yep.”Mikaexpelledabreath.
Moretimepassed.MikahadasecondinterviewatNike.Pennywaswrappingupherschoolyear.Therewerepartiesandadanceshewenttowithfriends.TheyFaceTimedduringHana’slastrollerderbygamebeforesheleftontourwithPearlJam.MikawashiredatNikeandhadadizzyingtourofthecampusbyaverycompetentyetbriskHRemployee.ThatnightshesentPennyaphotographofherworkIDwiththewordsIt’sofficial.WhenMikahadfakedfindingagallery,they’dtoastedonscreen,poppingbottlesandgiggling.Thistime,Pennyrepliedwith
apartyhatandstreamers.That’sall.PennywasmoresubduedwithMika.Theirrelationshipwasnolongerahousecatching
flamebutonebeingpainstakinglyrebuilt—whathappensafterthefire.

Twoweekslater,MikasmootheddownherblackdresspantsandpeeredatthelatesttextfromPenny.Happyfirstdayofwork.Callmeafter?
Idon’tknowwhenI’llbehome,butI’llgiveyouaring,Mikatappedout.Shetuckedherhairbehindherear,alittleoverwhelmedatbeinginthemiddleoftheNikeWorldwideHeadquarters
campus.Twohundredeighty-sixacres.Seventy-fivebuildings.Thousandsofemployees.Nobiggie.Herphonerang.Notingthe
caller,sheansweredwitharelievedsmile.“Hi.”

“Hey,youfindingyourway?”Hayatoasked.“IcanstepoutandwalkyoutotheSerenaWilliamsBuilding.”
“I’mgood,”shepromised.
“Perfect,I’msogladthisallworkedout,”Hayatosaid.
“Yeah,thanksagainforputtingagoodwordin.Idon’tknowhowI’lleverrepayyou.”
“Buymelunchandmaybeafewmorechocolatemartinis,andI’llsaywe’reeven.”Hepaused.“It’sjustashamewe’renotin
thesamedepartment.Butlet’shavelunchtogethertoday.Wecanmeetatnooninthecafeteria—doyouknowwherethatis?
IntheMiaHammBuilding?”

Shedidknowwherethecafeteriawas,althoughshehadnoideawhoMiaHammwas.“I’llseeyouthere.”
“Alright.Haveagoodfirstday.Ican’twaittohearallaboutit,”saidHayato.Theyhungup,andMikasetoffintotheSerenaWilliamsBuilding—shedidknowwhothatwas.Thedaypassedinablurofintroductionsandsettinguphercomputer.ShemetHayatoforlunch.TheysippedDietCokesandnibbledonsalads.Heshowedherhisoffice,anopenconceptwithlargedraftingtables.Severaleaselshadbeensetup,andonthemwereartboards—picturesofshoesdesignedwithburstingflowersandemblazonedwiththeiconicswoosh.
“OurSummerCollectionfornextyear,”Hayatosaid,stuffinghishandsinhispockets.“I’vebeenstaringattherenderings
fordays.Somethingisn’trightaboutthedesign.It’ssupposedtobeaplayoffthisartistwhodoeshugeflowerbackgrounds
behindfamouspeople’sportraits.”

“It’sthecolors,”Mikasaidautomatically.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Hayatolookedathersharply.
Shesteppedforward.Sheknewoftheartist.He’dbeenup-and-comingwhenshe’dattendedcollege.Nowhewasjustup-and-up.
“Iknowtheartist.”Sheblushed.“Well,Iknowofhim.Heusestraditionalcolorsinmodernportraits.Forexample,when
hepaintedthatportraitofthewomanrefugeefromNorthKorea,theonewhoescapedwithherbaby?Heusedthesamecolors
fromthefourteenth-centurypaintingFlightintoEgyptbyGiottotoevoke…”Sheshookherhead.“Idon’tthinkyouneedtogothatdeep.Butanyway—oldcolors,newideas,
sameproblems.”

Hayatonoddedthoughtfully.“WeshouldusesomeretroNikecolors.”
Mikashrugged.“Youcouldtry.”
Hayatograbbedasetofcoloredpencilsfromacacheofartsuppliesonhisdesk.Hechosethreeandscribbledontheartboard.Mikafeltsomethingrisewithinher.Envy.Thedesiretodrawandletitswallowherup.ShewonderedifHayatocouldseethedeephungerinhereyes.AfterPeter,allthecolorsshehadoncepaintedwithweregone.Afraidshe’drunintohim,shehaddroppedherartcoursesandswitchedmajors.Ilosteverything.Time.Myself.Myfuture.Howcouldshenotfeelasifsomethinghadbeenstolenfromher?First,herbody.Then,herpainting.Andlast,herbaby.

“Likethese?”Hayatoasked,eyesblazingwithinspiration.
“Sure.”Shesmiledencouragingly.
“Youreallyunlockedthisforme.Howdoyouknowthis?”
Sheshrugged.“Anyonewould.”
“No,notanyone.Butthankyou.”
“Ofcourse.Alwayshappytohelpyouexploitartforprofit,”shejoked.Thenrealizeditsoundedkindofmean.Hadshebeen
keepingherselffromthethingshelovedforsolong,she’dbecomebitter?“Sorry.”

Heshookhisheadasifdazed.“No,it’sokay.”Helaugheditoff.“Lunchagaintomorrow?”heasked,walkingMikaout,and
sheagreed.

Afterwork,shestoppedandpurchasedafewgroceries.Shewanderedtheaislesandcheckedherbankaccount.LunchwithHayato
hadputaconsiderabledentinit.ShedecidedshecouldaffordsomeramenandmaybesomeLuckyCharmsbutpassedonthewine.

Oncehome,shecalledPenny.“Hey,”Pennyanswered.“Howwasit?”
Mikaslippedoffherflatsandunbuttonedherpants.“Good.It’smostlyspreadsheetsandschedulingmeetingsformyboss.”Mika’sbosswasanicemannamedAugustus,Gusforshort.Hisfacewasround,hiscomplexionruddy,andtheslightestsouthernaccentbenthisspeech.Hehadawifewhomheadoredandpackedhimluncheveryday.Andhedidn’tmentionanythingaboutMikabeingJapanesebutdidmakesurehepronouncedhernameright.
“So,”Pennystarted.“Ihavesomenews.IgotanacceptancelettertodayfromUofP.”
Mikastopped.TherunningprogramPennyhadappliedtobeforewhenshe’dvisited.Mikahadremembereditbutwascarefulnot
toask.Shedidn’twantPennytofeelanypressure.“Didyou?”Mikaasked,keepinghervoicelightbutstillinjectingthe
rightamountofcuriosity.

“Idid,”shesaid.“AndIthinkIwanttocome.”
“That’sfantastic.”Mikatriedtosoundcasual.Cool.“Wouldyourdadbeokaywithyoureturning?”Thomaswasasubjectthat
didn’tcomeupmuchduringtheirconversations.Although,PennyhadreassuredMika,heknewtheywerespeakingagain.What
didThomasthinkofMikanow?Sherememberedthenightofthegalleryopening,thebottleofwinebetweenthem.Thewayhe’d
spokentoher,voiceasroughascrushedvelvet,It’sbeengoodforher.Forus.She’dlostThomas’srespect,hishard-wontrust.Andhedidn’tseemthekindofmanwhoforgaveeasily,especiallywhenit
cametoPenny.Allatonce,Mikaadmiredthattrait.Itwassomethingtheyshared.Butshehatedbeingonthereceivingend
ofhisdisappointment,hisderision.

“Ohyeah,”Pennyhuffedout.“Hesaiditwasmydecision.Butinthesamewayhesaid,‘Goahead,’whenIwantedtotryriding
mybikewithouttrainingwheelsforthefirsttime.LikehewishedIwouldn’t,buttherereallywasn’tanywaytostopme.”

“Whendoestheprogramstart?”Mikaasked.
“ThirdweekofJune.Ihaveacoupleweeksinbetweenwhenschooldismisseshereandthestartthere.I’llprobablycomeadayorsoearlytosettleinandmaybespendsometimewithyou?”
“Yes.Absolutely.”MentallyMikatickedoffthedays.ItwastheendofMay.“WecouldgototheAsiansupermarket.Maybe
anotherrollerderbygame.Youcanmeetmyotherfriends,CharlieandTuan.”

“Thatwouldbegreat,”Pennysaid.Therewasapausebeforeshewenton.“Doyouthink…Imightbeabletomeetyour
momanddad?”

AnewheavinesssettledacrossMika’schest.“Idon’tknow,Penny.I’llcheckwiththem,butIdon’twanttomakeanypromises.
MymomandI…wehaveissues.”Hiromi’sunhappinesshunglikeadarkcloudovermostofMika’schildhood.Howcouldshe
willinglythrustPennyunderthatsameshadow?

“That’sokay,”Pennysaid,andfromthetoneofhervoice,Mikacouldtellitwasnot.“Igetit.Imean,shewouldbarely
lookatmeatthegalleryopening.”

Mikabitherlip.“I’lltalktomymom.LetmeseewhatIcando.”
“Alright,”Pennysaidthickly.“It’snotabigdeal.”ButMikacouldtellitwas.Shevowedtomakeithappen.Didn’tPenny
know?Mikawoulddoanythingforher.

***
Mikawaitedtwowholedaysbeforecallinghermother.ItwasFridayeveningwhenshesatonthecouchanddialedHiromi.She
turnedthetelevisiondownasthelinerang.

“Mi-chan,”Hiromianswered.“Isthismydaughter?Iwasn’tsureIstillhadone.”
“Okāsan.”Mikarubbedherbrow.“Howareyou?”
Hermotherchattedonaboutawindstormcomingthroughandhowherfatherhadeatensomethingdisagreeable.Ofcourse,they
didn’tdiscusstheartopeningorwhathadhappenedthatnight.Inthetenthgrade,Mikahadbeencaughtshoplifting.She’d
takenanitemofclothingfromthelineofawhitepopstarwhodressedupin
Mikasettledbackonthecouch,closedhereyes,andrememberedherpromisetoPenny.“Okāsan,”Mikainterjected.“I’vegot
ajobnow,andI’vebeentalkingtoPennyagain.”

Theotherendofthelinewentquiet.Mikacheckedtomakesuretheywerestillconnected.Theywere.Sheputthephoneback
toherearandspoke.“She’scomingtotownagaininJuneforacross-countrytrainingcamp.She’sarunner,haswonallsorts
ofmedalsandawards,”shesaidwarmly.“Andshe’dliketomeetyou.”Mikagazedatthepopcornceilingwhileshewaitedfor
hermothertoanswer.

“Ihavetogo,”Hiromisaidfinally.“Yourfatherneedsme.”Click.She’dhungup,andthatwasit.

***
Eventually,Junecame.
“Ican’twait.Twomoreweeks,”Pennychirpedhappilyonthephoneonenight.“I’vegotabunchofnewrunninggear.AndI’m
roomingwiththisawesomegirlfromCalifornianamedOlive.”

“Olivelikethefruit?”Mikaasked.Shewasathome.Wasspendingmoreandmorehoursathomethesedays.Optingforquiet
mealsinlieuofdinnersout.Waterinsteadofwine.Alltotuckafewextrabillsawayinhersavingsaccount.Foroncein
averylongtime,Mikawasplanningforthefuture.LivingforPenny.

“Yep.Holdon.”Therewassomeshuffling.AndPennytalkedtosomeonethere.“I’monthephone,Dad.”So,Thomas.Mikalistenedcarefullybutcouldn’thearwhatThomassaidback,justthedullsoundofhisvoice.“I’mtalkingtoMika.Yeah,gotit.Moneyisonthecounter.Go,I’llbefine.I’mjustgoingtogetapizzaorsomething.Sorry.”Pennycameback.“You’dthinkhe’sneverleftmealoneinthehousebefore.”Mikacouldn’thelpbutimagineThomasinhissuitagain,onhiswayoutonadate.WhatkindofwomanwouldThomasgooutwith?WasThomassomesortofsex-crazedsuperherowidowerwhomasqueradedasanawesomedadbyday?“He’llbebackin,like,acouplehours.Hehassomebigdepositiontomorrowandhadtofinalizesomedetails,butI’msurehe’llcallthreetimes.Oncetotellmehe’sattheoffice,thentotellmehe’salmostdoneattheoffice,andfinally,totellmehe’sonhiswayhomefromtheoffice.”Right,soThomaswasn’tasex-crazedsuperherowidower.Hewasjustworkinglate.“Anyway,sowhatwasIsaying?Ohyeah…”Pennywenton,andMikahappilylistened.
OnSaturday,Mikapulleduptoherparents’houseandhonked.Hermotheropenedthefrontdoorrightaway,followedveryslowly
byherfather.Theskywasbrightblue.Notacloudinsight.

“Mi-chan,”Hiromiscolded,comingdownthecementwalkway.Sheflappedadishtowelinherhandslikeitmightdampenthe
noise.

Mikaclimbedfromhercarandsteppedaroundthehood,apieceofpaperinherhands.ShethrustitatHiromi.“Here.”
“What’sthis?”Hiromiasked,scanningthepieceofpaper.
“It’sacheck.”Mikahadwrittenitthatmorningforonehundreddollars,fivepercentofwhatsheowedherparentsfromthe
churchloan.“I’llgiveyoumoreonceIgetpaidagain.”

Hiromiharumphedbutstuckthecheckinherpinaforeapronpocket.“What’sthat?”ShegesturedatthebackofMika’scar.
Thewindowswererolleddownandhalfstickingoutofthebackseatwasthebushyheadofamapletree.

“ThatisatreeI’mgoingtoplantinourbackyard.”IntheholewhereHanahadtornthedead,malnourishedtreefrom.“I
feellikewatchingsomethinggrow.”Shegrinnedathermother,attheday,atherlife.

“Youhavetowateriteveryday,”Hiromiwarned.
Mikarolledhereyes.“Iknow.”
“Atleasttwentyminutes.”
“Gotit.”Mikaroundedthehoodagain.Nowaywouldsheberopedintogoinginside.Lethergetawaynow.Please.
Hiromirubbedaleafbetweenherpointerfingerandthumb.“Thisonehaswhitespotsonit.Mightbeafungus.”
“It’sfine.”Mikaopenedhercardoorandsatinthedriver’sseat.Shestartedtheengine,andHiromiknockedonthewindow.
Sherolleditdown.ShemisseddrivingCharlie’scararound,withitsautomaticwindowsandair-conditioning.Maybeinayear
ortwo,shemightbeabletoaffordanewusedcar.

Hiromipeeredinthecar,thenatMika.“YourfatherandIwanttomeether,thebaby,”shesaid,droppinghervoiceasif
thesubjectweretaboo.

Mikastaredathermotheramoment,confused.Sheopenedandclosedhermouth.Penny,shemeantPenny.ButPennywasn’ta
babyanymore.Thatbaby,theoneMikahadgivenaway,wasgone.Sheshookoffthethought,notreadytoexamineit.“Youwant
tomeetPenny?”

Hirominoddedonce.“Youcanbringhertodinnerhere.”
“Orwecouldgoouttoarestaurant,”Mikasuggested.Shehadn’tbeeninsideherparents’houseinyears.
“No,tooexpensive,”Hiromisaidwithfinality.“Bringherhere.Iwillcook.”
“Okay.”Mikacouldonlyagree.AndshediditforPenny.Pennywhowantedtomeetherbiologicalgrandparents.Pennywhowanted
toseewhereMikagrewup.“I’lltellher.She’llbesohappy.”

Hiromididnotsmile.“Don’tforgettowaterthetree.”ChapterNineteen
OneweekbeforePennywastoarrive,ThomastextedMika.
HeopenedwithaHi.Mikawasatworkandstaredatherphonenexttoherkeyboard.Shecheckedaroundtheoffice.Everyonewasbusy,filingor
plinkingawaysoftlyonkeyboards.Ofcourse,theycouldn’ttelltheadoptedfatherofMika’sdaughterwastextingorthat
thetwohadn’tspokensincethegalleryopeningwhereHiromihadbroughttheworlddownaroundMika’sears.

Hi,shetypedback,bendingdown,hidinginhercubicle.

It’sThomas,hewrote.

Shetappedout,Yes.Iknow.
Threedotsinsideagraybubbleappearedonthescreen.Right.Sorry.Penny’sflightarrivesSunday.Canyoupickherup?I’drathershedidn’thavetotakeanUberorcabalone,hesaid.

Shestraightened.Alreadyplanningonit.PennyandMikahadagreed—MikawouldpickPennyupfromtheairport,thendrivehertothedormsattheUniversityofPortland
andhelphersettlein.IfPennywasfeelinguptoit,they’dhavedinnersomewhereandhangoutforabit.

She’sneverflownalone.Iofferedtoflywithher.Shedeclined.Thenheadded,Hernowasquickandemphatic.Mikapicturedhiminhisoffice.Sittingbehindanenormousmahoganydesk.Suitandtieon.Frownfirmlyinplace.Didhehateher?
Gus,herboss,passedbyhercubicle.Mikadroppedherphoneandswungbackaround,puttingherhandstothekeyboard.She
wavedathim.“Don’tworktoohard,”hesaidwithagenuinesmile.Shesmiled,laughedafakelaugh,andwaiteduntilhewas
gonebeforereplyingtoThomas.I’vegotitcovered.
Twentyminuteslater,heresponded.Areyousure?It’snotaninconvenience?
Really,it’snoproblem.We’vegottheafternoonplanned.Hookers,drugs,thewholeshebang.Mikachewedherlip.Thatwasajoke.Toosoon?
Anotherfewminutespassed,andMikacontinuedthespreadsheetshe’dbeenworkingon.Thomastexted.Waytoosoon.Sohehatedher.Definitelyhatedher.

Pleasedon’tworry,sheresponded.She’singoodhands.Ipromise.
Havehertextmewhenshearrives,wasallheanswered.

***
ThatSunday,Mikapulledintothearrivalsterminalattheairport.Pennystoodatthecurb,wavingtoherwithonehand,theotherclutchingthehandleofaburgundysuitcase.TodayPenny’shairwaswhippedupintoaglossyponytail.Mikapoppedthetrunkandgotoutofthecar.Theybothsaidheyatthesametimeandhugged,fallingintoeachother’sarmseasily.Mikaheldonforasecondtoolong.ThensheslungPenny’ssuitcaseintotheback,andtheyclimbedintotherustedCorolla.
Pennybuckledherseatbelt.Eithershedidn’tnoticethespidercrackinthewindshieldorthetapeholdingthesidemirror
together,orshewaspolitelyignoringit.“Whew.Ialmostdidn’tmakeit.Mydaddroppedmeoffthismorning,andIswear
hewasgoingtocry.I’mprettysurehewasconsideringkidnappingme.Canyoukidnapyourownchild?”

Mikacheckedherrearviewmirror.“He’stextedmultipletimes.”OncetoremindMikawhenPenny’sflightarrived,Shegetsinat12:15,andthenanhourlater,Penny’sflightisdelayed.Mikahadrespondedwithencouragingwords,hopingtocalmhim.She’dearnedbackPenny’strust,butThomas’swasharderwon.
Fairenough.Iknow.Noworries.I’malreadyattheairportinthecellphonewaitingarea,she’dwritten—thesameplacewhereshe’didledandleftherramblingvoicemail.I’llbeherewheneverPennyisready.
“Iknow.He’stheworst.Itextedhimassoonasthewheelstoucheddown,”Pennysaid,thenfannedherself.“It’shot.Will
youturnuptheair-conditioning?”

“Sure,”Mikasaid.“Rolldownthewindows.”
Pennyflushedevenmoreandcrankedthewindowdown.TheyveeredrightoffAirportLane,passingsomehotelsandaSwedishfurniturestore.MikawatchedPenny,eyesbouncingbackandforthbetweenherandtheroad.Pennypulleddownthevisor,herfacehalfinshadow.Thewindinherhair,thesmellofsummer,madeMikathinkofherselfasateen.drivenstreetsaimlesslyorhungoutatthefirsttwenty-four-hourStarbuckswithHana.Lookingfortrouble,Hiromisaidonce.Butreally,they’djustbeenlooking,period.

Pennyappliedsomelipglossfromherbag.Mikadidn’trememberherwearingmakeupbefore.Mikapursedherlipsbutdidn’t
sayanything.TheycoasteddownEighty-Secondandintothenorthsideoftown.TheUniversityofPortlandwaslocatedinthe
St.JohnsneighborhoodonabluffoverlookingtheWillametteRiver.ThecampusmighthavebelongedsomewhereontheEastCoast
withitsstretchinggreenlawns,brickbuildings,andwhitetrim.AsisterschoolofNotreDame,asignboastedattheentrance.
Pennyproducedastackofpapersfromherbackpack,onewithamaponit.“Itsayswe’resupposedtogotoCorradoHallto
checkinandreceiveroomassignments.”Shepointedtotheright,andMikasteeredhercardownasmallroad.

Theyfoundparkingnearishthedorm.MikapoppedthetrunkandremovedPenny’ssuitcase.“Here,theseareforyoutoo.”She
dippedintothebackseatandpulledoutanewpillowandasetoftwinsheetsshehadpurchasedandwashed.Thepatternwas
cute,tinyyellowchrysanthemums.

“Forme?”Pennysquintedagainsttheafternoonsun.
“Yep.Iknowtheysaideverythingwasprovided,butIthoughtyou’dlikesomethingwithahigherthreadcountandanewpillow.
Beddingisveryimportant,”Mikasaid,asifimpartingancientwisdom.

Pennytookthesheetsandpillow,staringatthem.“Thanks.That’sreallysweet.Butcanyouaffordthis?”Shehurriedon
toexplain.“Imean,yourcar…”

“Shh.”Mikapattedthecarnearalittlerusteddent.“You’llhurtherfeelings.Ifyou’reaskingifIboughtsheetsandapillowinsteadofeatingtonight,theanswerisno.Icanaffordit.Ipromise.”Justtwodaysago,Mikahadevengivenherparentsanothercheck.Hiromihadtakenthepieceofpaper,eyeingitsuspiciouslyasifanticipatingittospontaneouslycombust.ThenshehadstuffeditinherapronpocketandaskedaboutthebabyandwhenMikawouldbringher.They’dscheduleddinnerfornextweek.Pennywaselatedattheprospectofmeetingherbiologicalgrandparents.Mikalessso.Waylessso.
Pennysmiledandhuggedthebeddingclosetoherchest.MikalockedthecarandcamebacktoPenny’sside.“Ready?Hey,you
alright?”sheasked,seeingPennyworryingherlowerlip.

“Yeah.It’sjust…”Pennyhuggedthebeddingtohertighter,likegatheringablanketaroundoneselfbeforeastorm.“Runners
willbeherefromalloverthecountry.Everyoneissogood…That’swhythey,like,gotintotheprogram.”

TheglaringvulnerabilitystirredsomethinginsideMika.ShegrabbedPennybytheshoulders.“You’regoingtobegreat,”she
said.Ifonlysuchapowerasamother’sconfidenceinherchildrenexisted,theworldmightbedifferent.“Sayit.Say:I’m
goingtobegreat.”

“I’mgoingtobegreat,”Pennymumbled,pinkwithembarrassment.
“What’sthat?”SheshookPenny,spokelouder.Studentspausedintheirwanderingstostare,thederangedAsianandhermini-me.
“Ican’thearpeoplewhodon’tbelieveinthemselves,”sheallbutyelled.

“I’mgoingtobegreat!”Pennynearshouted.
Mikasmiledandreleasedher.“That’sbetter.”Together,theywalkedtothedorm.Inthelobby,agold-and-purplebannerread:
welcometouniversityofportland.Agirlwithlongcurlinghaircheckedthemin.“PenelopeCalvin.You’llbeinroom205,justupthestairsandtotheleft.”
Shehandedthemasetofkeysandmotionedforthenextinline.Amidotherfamilies,theyclimbedtothesecondfloorand
foundPenny’sdormroom.Thehallwascrawlingwithpeople,teenagegirlsandboys,Mikanoticed,makingthemselvesathomeintherooms.“Youdidn’tmentionthiswasacoedthing,”saidMika,eyeing
aroomwhereaboywithsunkeneyesandfloppykiddiepopstarhairspreadaplaidcomforteronhisbedwhilehismotherdeposited
drinksintoamini-fridge.

“Didn’tI?”Pennyputthekeyintothelock,turned,andpushedherwayintothedormroom.“Funny.IthoughtIdid.”
“Youmostdefinitelydidnot.”MikadraggedPenny’ssuitcaseintotheroom.Therewasasinglewindow,andoneitherside
ofittwotallbedswithladders,adeskundereach,andawallofcabinets.Therewasasharedbathroomoutsideinthehall,
buttheroomhadasinkandalittlemirroraboveit.Allinall,itwasonthenicersideofdorms.Mika’sdormroomhad
beeninanolderbuildingandslightlylargerthanashoebox,butithadfeltenormous,sofullofpotential.Pennydragged
hersuitcasetothecenteroftheroomandunzippedit,clothesburstingfree,mostlyrunninggear,stretchytanktops,and
smallshorts.OntopwastherollerderbyT-shirtMikahadboughther.Pennyshookitout,thencarefullyrefoldedit,placing
itinoneofthewardrobedrawers.

Penny’sroommatearrived,afreckledredheadwhosename,Olive,fitherperfectlyandwhoseemedtobethehumanembodimentofanexclamationmark—herbodylongandtautandfilledwithenergy.“Ohmygod!We’regoingtohavesomuchfun!Whatsummertrainingscheduledidyoudolastyear?!OnMondays,Ididaneight-milefartlek,thenonTuesdays,Ididafive-to-seven-mileeasyrunwitheighty-meterstrides,andonWednesdays,Ididhillrepeats…”
Mikadidn’tunderstandanyofit,butPennynoddedlikeaneagerpuppy.Shehalflistenedasshetuckedthesheetsaround
Penny’slumpymattress.

“Hey.”Theboywiththepopstarhairleanedagainstthedoor,handshalfjammedinhispockets.Cool.Socool.Mikanearly
rolledhereyes.“Devon.”Hejuttedhischinup.

“Penny,”Pennysaid,preening.Oliveintroducedherselfinmuchthesameway.
“Listen,abunchofusaregoingtogetdinnerandplayFrisbeeafter.Youtwowanttocome?”Devonsaid.
PennyglancedatMikauncertainly.“Ikindofhadplans…”
Mikaheldupherhands,grinningthroughaburstofdisappointment.“Noworries.Wecancatchuplater.”
“Really,youdon’tmind?”
“Ofcoursenot.”Mikaforcedasmile,buryingheremotionsunderahappyfacade.
“Cool,”Devonsaid.“I’lljustmeetyououtside.”
“Thanks.”PennythrewherarmsaroundMika.“I’llcallyou.”ThensheandOlivestartedchattingaboutstrides,andMikawaited
abeat,watchingthetwogirlswithasortofsadfascination,thenleft.

Thedoorwasopenacrack,andMikaheardOlivesaytoPennyassheleft,“Wasthat,like,yourmom?She’ssuperpretty.”
“Kindof.She’smybiologicalmom.”
“Gotit.Youhavelayers,”saidOlive.“Youcantellmeoverdinner.”
Mikaleftandwanderedaroundthecampusforafewminutes,feelinglikeaweirdoldlady,eventhoughshewasonlythirty-five.Shethoughtofherselfbeforeandafter,andasharpboltoflongingshotthroughherchest.Howmuchshe’dchangedbutwantedtostaythesame.Shesatonabench.Awidegreenexpanseoflawnstretchedbeforeher.
Mika.Sheheardhernamedriftbyonthesummerbreeze.Sheblinked,wonderingifitmightbereal.No,justamemory.Itappearedbeforeherlikeahologram.Itwasspringofherfreshmanyear,andshecouldstillhideher
bellyunderoversizedsweatshirts.Butshehadstartedfeelingtheextraweight,thepressofPennyagainstherribs,and
hadsatdownonacementhalfwalltocatchherbreath.Mika,thevoicecalledagain,thistimecloser.Shelookedup.Marcus.Iwasn’tsureitwasyou.Hestoppedinfrontofher,amessengerbagslungoverhischest,paintsplatteringhishands.Wherehaveyoubeen?Youdroppedmyclass.ShestaredupatMarcus,renderedmute.Thesunblazedbehindhim,cutapathacrosshischeekbone.ItremindedherofRembrandt’s
self-portrait.Iseverythingokay?Youdidn’tfindanothermentor,didyou?Becauseifyou’retakingPaintingIVfromCollins.
Mikadraggedherbackpacktoherlapandwoundherarmsaroundit.I’m…I’mnot…shetumbledout.Thenshefeltit.ThephantompressofPeter’shandagainsthermouth.Thesmellofturpentine.Shecouldn’t
speak.Herhearthammeredinherchest,threatenedtobeatrightoutofit.Pennykicked.Shestood,nearlyknockinginto
Marcus,whohaddriftedcloser.I’mnotpaintinganymore,shesaid,shovingawayfromhim.I’mnotgoodenough…
That’snottrue.YouhavethemostrawtalentI’veeverseen.
Shestaredatherfeet.Athermuddysneakers.She’dthrownouttheoutfitshe’dworntotheparty.Vowednottowearheelsorskirtsormakeupagain.Shedidn’twanttobeprettyanymore.Wasafraidtobe.Beingprettywasaninvitation.No,shecorrected.Beingawomanwasaninvitation.Marcussteppedcloser
Ihavetogo,Mikamumbledbeforetakingoffinajog.Sheranthroughtheflatbluemorning,allthewaybacktoherdormroom.Shelocked
thedoorandslumpeddownagainstit;feltasiftheceilingwereslidingdown,asifthewallswereconstricting.Herhands
shook,herheartbeatfast,herbreathingfaster.Shedidn’tknowhowlongtheepisodewenton.Onlyrememberedwakinglater
inbed,groggyandhungry.Itwasherfirstpanicattack.

Now,Mikasatforabitlonger,lettingthehologramfade.Thosemonthsaftertherape,ithadfeltasifshewasoutside
ofherself.Asifherspirithaddetachedfromherbodyandfloatedaroundit.Mostofhermemoriesweren’tfromherowneyes
butasaspecterpeeringfromabove.

Afterawhile,Mikadrovehomeandappliedoneofthefacemasksshe’dplannedforherandPennytonight.Whenitstarted
burning,sheremoveditandsnappedapictureofherredface,sendingittoHana.Howbadisit?Mika’sfacehadbeguntocoolbythetimeHanareplied.HaveyouseenTheManintheIronMask?Mikasmiled,andherphonerang,Hana’snameflashingonthescreen.

“Hey,”sheanswered.Shesatonthecouchandbroughtherkneesintoherchest,loopinganarmaroundthem.
“Isn’tPennyintown?”Hanasaid.Itwasquietwhereshewas.“Ithoughtyoutwoweregoingtohavedinnerandhangafter.
Irememberyoutellingmesomebigplansforarestaurantthatcutsmeatinfrontofyouandaspaevening.”

Mikaplayedwithhertoes.“Sheditchedmeforhergoldenretrieverroommate.Shepromisedwe’dcatchuplater.”Mikawasn’tsurehowshefeltaboutit.Monthsago,she’dbeenastarinPenny’suniverse.
“Oof,”Hanasaid.“So,you’vebeenusurped?”
“I’mafraidso,”Mikasaidglumly.MaybethiswashowThomasfelt.Pityparty,tableforone.She’dliketocry,butitmight
burnherfacemore.

“Ihavesomenewsthatmightcheeryouup.”
“Icouldusesomenewstocheermeup.”
“PearlJamisplayingSeattleintwoweeksonThursday,thenbreakingfortheweekend.I’mgoingtohangwithJosephineFriday
night,butI’vereservedSaturdaynightformymainbitch.Getreadytomakesomebaddecisions.”

Mikaunfoldedherlegsandleanedbackintothecouch.Mentallyshecatalogedherschedule.She’dblockedoutnextweekend
forPenny—theyweregoingtodinneratMika’sparents’.Thomaswouldbeintowntheweekendafter,soPennywouldlikelybe
tiedupwithhimalldaySaturday.AndwhenheleftonSunday,Pennywastakingabuswithherteamtorunsanddunesatthe
coast.Sanddunes.WhichsoundedasabsurdtoMikaassomeonesuggestingRussellCrowereprisehisroleinLesMisérables.“That’sactuallykindofperfectandsoundssogood.Can’twait.WeshouldinviteHayatoandCharlie,maybehitupsome
clubs.”

“Definitely.”
Theychattedforawhilelonger.MostlyabouthowthingsweregoingwithJosephine.Itseemedtobegettingserious.After,
herphonechimedwithatext.

EverythingokaywithPenny?ItwasThomas.

Gotherallsettledinherdormandmetherroommate,Mikaanswered.

Shetextedme,butitwasjustathumbs-up,saidThomas.Atthat,Mikalaughedbutdidn’trespond.ShethoughtaboutThomas.Aboutbeingaparent.Howonceyouand
yourbabywereinseparable.MikahadfeltthatwaywhenshecarriedPenny,eventhoughshe’dknownshewasn’tkeepingher.
She’dreadaninfantdoesn’tknowwhereitendsanditsmotherbegins.Tothebaby,thetwoareone—likethesaltandthe
sea.
ChapterTwenty
Mondaymorningatwork,Gus,herboss,pokedhisheadintohercubicle.“Knock,knock,”hesaid.“Howdoyoufeelaboutworking
someextrahoursthisweek?I’vegottofinishputtingtogetheracollaborationmodelforoneofourstakeholders.Shelly
wasworkingonitbuthadtotakeleaveforafamilything,itgotpuntedtome,andIcouldusesomeextrahelp!”Hespoke
withgustoandhelduphishandstoemphasizehispoint.

Mikasetherphoneawayfromherandstraightenedup.“Sure.That’dbefine.”Shecoulduseadistraction.She’dbeenabit
lonelywithoutHana.Focusingabittoomuchonwhenshe’dseePennyagain,onFriday,whenthey’dhavedinneratMika’sparents’
house—thethoughtalonewasenoughtowindherup.Howwouldshefeelsteppingfootinherchildhoodhomeagain?Howlong
haditbeensinceshe’dbeeninside?Atleastadecade.

Andmostimportantly,howwouldHiromitreatPenny?MikathoughtofHiromilyinginwait.Shevowednottoletherdaughter
becutbyhermother’ssharpedges.

“Great!Everythingshouldbeonthesharedserver.Goaheadandtakealookandlet’smeetafterlunchtogooverit.”Hetookoff,andafaintsmileappearedatthecornerofMika’smouth.Shedovein.EvencameinearlyonTuesdayandWednesdaytogetaheadstart.ButshedidmanagealunchwithHayato,wheretheystalkedSeth,thenewguyhewasdating,online.
Fridaypassedinawhirlwind.At3:05,sheemailedGustosayallthecompleteddocumentswerereadyforhisreview.Hefired
offanimmediateresponse:Goodwork,taketherestofthedayoff.Youearnedit.
SoMikawasalittleearlytopickPennyupfromcampus.Sheexpectedtoidleatthecurb,maybetextHanatosayshecouldn’t
waittoseehernextweekend.ShedidnotexpecttoseePennycanoodling—Mikawasn’tsureshe’deverusedthewordcanoodlingbefore,butshewasnowandcouldn’tbemoresurprisedorunhappyaboutit—withDevon,thefloppypopstar–hairedkid.The
twostoodwaytooclose.Hishandsonherhips.Penny’shandson…hischest?Mikacouldn’tbelieveit.Andherfirstreactionwastomakeitstop.Shelaidonthehorn.Pedestrianshaltedintheir
tracks.PennypushedawayfromDevon,andhehadthegracetostepbackaswell,runninganembarrassedhandthroughhishair.
Pennymumbledsomethingtohimandstoopedtopickupherbackpackbeforewalkingtothecar.

“Hi,”MikasaidasPennyclimbedin
“Hi.You’reearly.”Pennyslumpeddowninherseatandcoveredherburningfacewithherhands.“Don’ttakethisthewrong
way,butthatwassupermortifying.”

“Sorryaboutthat.Myhandslipped,”Mikasaidabittooquickly.“Oldcar,sensitivehorn,youknow?”Actually,thehorn
wasreallyhardtopush.She’dspilledsomethingonthewheelwhoknowshowlongagoandeversinceit’dbeenstuck.Good
toknowitstillworked.Mikapulledaway,keepingDevoninhersightsintherearviewmirror.“So,um,newfriend?”

Nowoffcampus,Pennyshiftedintheseattositupright.Shehesitatedamoment.“He’skindofmyboyfriend.”
Ayellowlightchangedtored,andMikabraked.“Boyfriend?Isthisarecentdevelopment?”Sofast,Mikathought.Butwhowasshetosayanything?She’dmovedinwithLeifaftersleepingwithhimforonlyamonth.

AsmileflittedacrossPenny’sface.Shesatonherhands.“Asoflastnight.Wemadeitofficial.We’regoingout.”
Mikawasunfamiliarwithteenagedatingrituals,butsheknewenoughtoknow“goingout”meantserious.Atleastitdidwhen
shewassixteen.ShechancedaglanceatPenny.“That’sabigdeal.”Thelightturnedgreen,andMikaspeduptomergeonto
thehighway.

“It’sreallynot,”Pennysaid,playingitcool.“Look,canwekeepthisquiet?Justbetweenus?”
“Youmean,nottellyourdad,”Mikaclarifiedastheywentoverabridge.
Pennygaveonenod,confirming.“He’llbeallweirdaboutitsinceDevonandIareinthesamedorm.”
“Idon’tknow…”Mikatrailedoff.ShewantedtocreateasafespaceforPenny.AndDevondidn’tseemsobad.Puppylove,
Mikawouldcallit.Itwouldeitherbeoverinafewweeks,oritwouldn’t.Whatwouldbetheharm?Besides,sherarelyspoketoThomas.Ifhedidn’task,shewouldn’tbringitup.Isaliebyomissionstillalie?Mikawasn’tsure.She’dflunkedphilosophy“Okay,Iwon’tsayanything.”MikawonderedifCarolineandPennyhadsecrets.IfCarolinehadevercheckedPennyoutfrom
schoolearlyandtakenherforicecream.Don’ttellyourdad,shemighthavesaid.Thiswillbejustbetweenusgirls.ApartofMikayearnedforthesame.Forthatbond.

“Thankyou,”Pennysaid.“Iappreciateyoutrustingme.”Mikaalmostsaid,Itrustyou,nottheworld.Butsheclampeddownontheurge.“So,tellmeaboutyourparents.AnythingIshouldknowbeforeImeetthem?”Pennyasked.

TheywereoutsidePortlandnow,inthesuburbs.TheypassedtheKoreanmartthatdidn’tcheckIDs.Thetwenty-four-hourStarbucks
whereMikaandHanahadhuddledtogethertoweepon9/11.ThejuniorhighschoolwhereMikausedtowalkcarryingacigarette
inonehandandherdreamsinanother.She’dsitonthebleachersandcoulddogreatthings.“I’mnervous,”PennyaddedasMikaturneddownasidestreet.Afewkidsplayedintheroadwithahose.

“Don’tbenervous,”Mikasaid,parkinginfrontofherparents’house.Seeingtheforestgreenshingles,shefeltasudden
acutepain,thesorespotofherchildhoodbeingpoked.“They’renothuggers.Iftheyboworinclinetheirheads,justdo
itback.”IloveyouwasneverspokeninMika’shome.Lovingwasinthedoing.Workingtoprovideanincome.Makinghomemademeals.Obeyingyour
parents.“Andifmymomasksifyouwantsomethingtodrink,don’tdrinkthebottledwater.It’snotnew.Sherefillsold
bottlesandputsthembackinthefridge.”Hiromididn’twashthebottlesbetweenrefills.“Infact,anythingbottled,always
checktheseal.Onetimesheboughtgenericlemon-limesodaformybirthdayandusedittofillanoldliterofSprite.”

“Okay,”Pennysaidcarefully,eyeingthegiantsatellitedishonthesideofthehouse.Theywalkedslowlytothedoorand
pausedagaininfrontofit.Mikasawthecurtainsmove.Hermotherwaswatching.“Didtheyeveraskaboutme?”

MikastudiedPenny’sanxiousface.Shedidn’twanttoliebutknewthetruthwouldhurther.Shedecidedonneither.“Ineverreallyvolunteeredanyinformation.Talkingaboutyouwasdifficultforme.”Shepaused.“Ready?”
Pennydippedherchin.“Ready.”
MikaplacedherhandontheknobandturnedtoPenny.“Onelastthing.Justrememberwecanleaveanytime.Yousaytheword,
andwe’reoutofhere.Thisisallinyourcontrol.”WasshesayingitforherselforforPenny?

“Gotit,”Pennysaid.
Mikaopenedthedoor.ShigeandHiromiwerewaitingontheotherside.Mikatoedoffhershoesinthemakeshiftgenkan,and
sodidPenny.Mikahurtledbackintime.TowhenShigehadpurchasedthehouse.Sheheldhermother’shandwhiletheytoured
it,theforsalesignstillplantedonthelawn.Hiromi’snoseinchedhigherandhighereachroomtheypeeredinto.Everythingwaswrong.
Thedoorsopenedandshutinsteadofslidinginandout.Hiromididn’tcarefortheshower-bathcombointhemasterbedroom,
orthepantryinthekitchen,orthatthebackyardfacednorth—thelaundrywouldneverdrythatway.

Now,Mikasmileduneasily,wonderingifPennycouldfeelit,howthewallspulsatedwithHiromi’sunhappiness.“Okāsan,Otōsan.”
Mother,father,Mikasaid.“ThisisPenny.”Shealmostaddedmydaughterbutstoppedshort.

HiromiandShigebowedtheirheads,andPennyrespondedinkind.“It’snicetomeetyou,”shesaid.
Silencethen,astheyallstaredateachother.Hermotherhaddressedup.Wearinghernicestclothes,asemi-fitteddress,twopintucksatthewaist.Andherfatherinasuit.Bothworehouseslippers.Theshagcarpethadbeenfreshlyvacuumed,andthetablewassetwithadozenelaboratedishes—sesametofu,ricescoopedintoperfectballs,asparagusindashi—allofMika’sfavorites.Hiromimusthavecookedforhours.
Hermotherspokefirst.Sheopenedherhands.“Mi-chansaysyouarunner.”
“You’rearunner,”Mikacorrectedhermother.

“That’swhatIsaid,”Hiromisaid.“Shige,isn’tthatwhatIsaid?”
“Iamarunner,”Pennycutin.HiromifixedanassessingstareonPenny.“I’mheredoingasummertrainingcampattheUniversity
ofPortland.Myschoolisadivisiononeschool.Imadethevarsityteammyfreshmanyear.”

“You’refast?”Shigeasked,aglintofapprovalinhiseyes.
Pennynodded.“Fastandconsistent,that’swhat’simportant.”
“YoumustbegoodtobeinaprogramattheUniversityofPortland.Ireadit’sasisterschoolofNotreDame,”Hiromisaid,
impressed.

“Itry,”Pennypreened.Tautsilenceagain.Theycouldhavebeenstrangersonabus,theinteriorfillingwithrecycledair.
“Areyouhungry?”Hiromifinallyasked.
“Sure,”Pennyblurted.“Imean,Icouldeat,orwecouldwait.Whateveryouprefer.”
“Let’seat,let’seat,”Shigesaidasifhewerebehindthewholemeal.Theyshuffledtothetable.Penny,Mika,andShige
satdown.

“Doyouwantsomethingtodrink?Water,ocha?”Hiromiasked,watchingPennylikesomesortofcuriosity.
“Waterisfine,”saidPenny.Sheremovedthenapkinfromthetableandspreaditoverherlap.
“Fromthetap,”Mikaclarified.
Pennygrinned,andMikasmiledback.Hiromifilledwatersandbroughtthemtothetable.“ImadeallMika’sfavoritesfromwhenshewasalittlegirl,”Hiromisaid,slidingintoachair.AutomaticallyMika,Shige,andHiromipressedtheirhandstogetherandsaid:“Itadakimasu.”
Shigepickeduphishashiandbegantoplacesometebashichimi,chickenwithaseven-ingredientspicerub,onhisplate.
“Goon,”Hiromisaid.“Trytheasparagus;Imadethedashimyself.”
Pennypeereddownatherlap.Hiromihadonlysetthetablewithhashi.Mikapoppedupfromthetableandopenedtheutensil
drawerinthekitchen,fishingoutacoupleofforks.ShehandedoneofftoPenny,thenkeptoneforherself.

“Youneverusehashi?”Hiromisaidasifinsulted.
“Okāsan,”Mikasaidinwarning.ShewonderedifhermotherblamedherforPennynotbeingJapaneseenough.
“Iwillshowyou.ThisishowItaughtMi-chan.”ShigescootedclosertoPenny.“Goon,”hesaid,hisvoicerich,warm,and
coaxing.

Afterabeat,Pennypickedupthehashi.Mika’smindtripped,stumbledintoaforgottenpast.Towhentheystilllivedin
Japan.InDaito,asmallcityinsidetheOsakaPrefecture.She’dbeenwearingayellowjumper,kneelingatalowtable.A
bowlofedamamewasinfrontofher,andshewaspracticingherhashi.Herparentswereintheotherroom.Arguing.Mikastood
andcreptover.Herfeetjustoutsidetheyellowbladeoflightstreamingthroughthecrackeddoor.Idon’twanttoliveinAmerica,hermotherhadsaid,voicethickwithentreaty.She’dbeendressedinafullkimono.

Onceamonth,shemetafriend,afellowmaiko,forlunchinKyoto.Thetwowoulddontheirbestkimonosandbringtheirchildren.
Mikarememberedplayingwithalittleboyontherestaurant’sfloor,hermother’sfeetcladintabiandzōri.They’dreturned
tofindShigehomeearly.Hisheadhanginglow.

Youhavetofindanotherjobwithanothercompany,Hiromiinsisted,likeitwasadonedeal.

Herfatherwavedanangryhand.He’dbeenyoungertoo.Thelinesonhisfacenotasdeeplyetched.Therearen’tanyotherjobs.Thisisouronlyoption.Wearemoving.Endofdiscussion.
Mikaleanedagainstthewall.Thehousewassteel-framed,builttowithstandanearthquakeorawifeangrywithherhusband.
WhatwillIdothere?Hiromiaskedplaintively.

Youwilldoyourjob.Youwillbeagoodwifetomeandagoodmothertoourdaughter,Shigereplied.AndHiromishutup.Shedidnothavetheculturalpermissiontodisobeyherhusband.

“See,you’renevertoooldtolearnsomethingnew,”Hiromisaidnow,andMikarealizedthecommentwasdirectedather.It
neverfailed.HiromicouldalwaysmakeMikafeelsmall,asinsignificantasasneeze.

Theyate,Pennyusingthehashiwithallthefinesseofadoeonice.Butshepersevered,andHiromiwatchedherwithunblinking
eyesasiftryingtoabsorbher.Inthelivingroom,aphonerangandrangagain.“Shige,”Hiromiscolded.

Shigeretrievedhisphone.“Allday,Igetcallsfromtelemarketers.Theywantmetobuythisorthat.”Hesilencedit.
“Youcanblockthecalls,”Pennysaid.“Here.”Shigehandedoverhisphone,andPennytappedacoupleofbuttons.“Youcan
alsoaddyournumbertoado-not-callregistry,”shesaid,handingthephonebacktoShige.

“Youaresmart.”HiromismiledandsqueezedShige’sforearm.
Afterdinner,Mikapausedinthepaneledhallway,watchingasPennywanderedthroughthehouse,herdesiretoopenthedoors
Hiromikeptneatlyshutburninginhereyes.Pennyhadcometouncoverthings.“Whichonewasyourroom?”Pennyasked.

“Thatone.”MikapointedtoadoorwithabrassknobtoPenny’sright.
“CanIseeit?”Pennyasked.Aroundthecorner,Hiromiputteredinthekitchentothetuneofclankingdishesandrunning
water.Shigeretiredtohisarmchair,watchingtheeveningnewsathalfthevolumeheusuallydid
“Yeah,Iguess,”Mikasaidbecauseshecouldn’tsayno.Directlyacrossfromthemwasthelime-green-tiledbathroomwhere
Mika’sfatherusedtounclogthesinkwithapairofhashi,allwhilemutteringthatMikahadtoomuchhairandusedtoomuch
mascara.Pennypushedthedooropenandsteppedinside.Itwasthesame.Pukegreenshagcarpetfromthelivingroomandhallway.
Anoldmilk-glasslightfixturethatcastawarmyellowlight.Justenoughspaceforafutonshovedagainstawallandadesk.
Mikausedtositatthatdeskanddrawforhours.“There’snotmuchtolookat,”Mikasaidnow.Yearsago,Hiromihadstripped
theTigerBeatpostersoffthewalls,theportraitdrawingsMikahaddone.

Pennywalkedthemeagerperimeter.“Thisiswhereyouslept?”
Mikawatchedherfromthedoorway,thesightofheroldroomgrabbingherbythethroat.“Yep.”
“Butyouhadabed,right?”Pennystoppednearthelumpynavyfuton.AboveherwasMika’skindergartenschoolpicture.The
firstdayHiromihadstoodofftothesideoftheclassroomwhiletheothermothersgabbedabouttheirsummertripstoSunriver.
Shecouldnotfindherselfathomewiththem,thosemomswithskinthecolorofmilkwhojazzercisedandworkedlatehours
andmademealsinthemicrowave.

“Thatfoldsoutintoabed,”Mikapointedout.
CarolinehadsharedpicturesofPenny’sroom.Cherryblossomwallpaper,whichshe’dseeninthebackgroundoftheirvideochats,stilllookingpristineandperfect.Whitesubstantialfurniture.Abedwithafrillycanopy.MikahadimaginedCarolineandThomaswouldgivePennyallthethingsMikacouldnotafford.ButthensherememberedPennyatthediningtablewithShige,learningtousehashi.Somethingsmoneycan’tbuy.
“Youstudiedhere.”Pennywasatthedesk,fingerstrailingoverthefakepaintedgrain.
“‘Studied’isagenerousterm.”Morelikeplottedherescape.Now,shefeltembarrassedshe’deverreachedsohigh.Itwas
thefollyofyouth,shesupposed,tothinkyouwerebiggerthanyouwere.

PennygaveMikaahalf-smile,thenpulledopenadrawer.InsidewereMika’snotebooks.Hersketchpads.“CanIlook?”Penny
asked.InherhandswasanArchesdrawingpad.Mikahadpaidinchangeforthesixteen-pagenotebook.Initwasaseriesof
gouacheportraits,mostlyprofilesofpeoplesheknew.ThefirstwasofHana,hairtwistedbackinbraids,cheeksturnedup
tothesun.“Ohmygod,aretheseyours?Didyoupaintthis?”

Mikatookthenotebookback,snappeditclosed,andshoveditbackinthedrawer.“It’snotthatbigofadeal.Theproportions
arealloff.”Sheheardtheechoofhermother.Whoisthatsupposedtobe,yourfriend?Youmadeherfacetoofull.Shelooksfat.
Thisiswhyshehatedcominghere.Thewallsheldtoomanymemories,toomanywordsMikaneverwantedtohearagain
“Iknewyoulovedartandpainting,butIthoughtyoujust,like,appreciatedit,notthatyoucouldactuallydoit,”Pennysaid,gesturingatthecloseddrawer.“Thoseareinsanelygood.”

“Itwasalongtimeago.”
“Youshouldhavebeenexhibitinginthegallery.”Pennyfoldedherarmsandherfacetwistedintoafrown.

“Idon’tpaintanymore.”AknotroseinMika’sthroat,andhereyesstung.
“Whydidyoustop?”Penny’sgazecuttoMika,cutthroughMika.
Mikalookedatherfeetandcrossedherarms.“Igrewup.Moneybecameathing.”Lifebeatsyoudownandforcesyoutodiscardfoolishpursuitsformorepracticalones.Pennychewedhercheek.Sheopenedhermouthtosaysomething,butMikabeathertoit.“Igaveitagoforawhileandtook
someclassesfreshmanyear,butitdidn’tpanout.”What’syourstory?Marcushadaskedher.

“Youhadmefreshmanyear,”Pennysaid.Mikasawtheconclusionherdaughterwasdrawing.ThatMikahadquitbecauseofPenny.
“IquitbeforeIhadyou.”MikatouchedanendofPenny’shair,letitslidethroughherfingers.“Thenafter,Ididn’twant
topaintanymore.WhatcanIsay?Igaveallmycolorstoyou.”Sheleanedinsotheywereinchesapart,soughttoassure
Pennythathermother’sfailuresweren’therstobear.“I’ddoitagain.”Pennysmiled.Mikasighed,tirednowandemotionally
wrungout.“We’dbettersaygoodbye.It’sgettinglate.”Sheslippedfromtheroomandfoundhermotherinthekitchen.“We
havetogo,”Mikaannounced.

Hiromisetdownatrayofmilkpuddings.Hercool,disappointedeyestrainedonMika.“Imadedessert.”
Mikawipedunderhernose,sawPennyapproachoutofthecornerofhereye.“Trafficmightbebad,andI’mtired.”
Pennysteppedforward.“Itwasnicetomeetyou,Mrs.Suzuki.Thankyousomuchforhavingmeoverfordinner.Ireallyloved
it.”

Allatonce,Mikafeltguilty.“We’llcomeback,”shepromised.
“NextSaturday,”Hiromiblurted.“I’mmakingtsukemono.Icouldteachyou.”
Penny’schestswelledwithexcitement.“Really?I’dlikethat.”ShecockedherheadatMika.
“NextSaturday?Yourdadiscomingintotown,”saidMika.AndIamgoingtogetballs-to-the-wallsdrunkwithHana,shementallyadded.

Pennyfrowned,thinking.“Shoot.That’sright.”
“Whataboutaweeknight?”Hiromisaid.Mikahadforgottenhermotherhadthetenacityofabulldogwhenshewantedsomething.
Sherememberedhermotherwhite-knucklingthewheelwhiledrivingacrosstownintwelveinchesofsnowtotakeMikatodance
practice.“Shigewouldpickyouup.”

Pennyperkedup.“Yes,Iwanttodothatverymuch.”Toolate,Mikarealizedshehadn’tbeeninvited.
Hiromi’slipstwitchedintoanalmostsmile.“I’llgiveyoumyphonenumber.Iknowhowtotextnow.I’llwrapupdessert
foryou.”HiromiandPennyexchangedphonenumbers,thenHiromipackedupamilkpuddinginasourcreamcontainerforPenny.

Inthecar,Mikadrove,windingthroughthesuburbs.Sheflickedonherblinkertoturnontothemainroadleadingtothe
highway.“Howwasthat?Okay?Toomuch?”sheasked,staringstraightahead.Itwasdarknow,thebrighteststarstwinkling
inthesky.

“They’regreat,”Pennysaidassheopenedthesourcreamcontainerandpeekedinside.“Yourdadissosweet,andyourmom
isintensebutinagoodway,likemyrunningcoachbackhome.IsitreallycoolifIgothereonmyownthisweek?”

Mikapaused.SheworriedHiromimighttramplePenny’sfragilespirit.ButMika’smotherhadbeendifferentwithPenny.Warmer.
Lighter.Morewilling.Mikaspeduptogetonthehighway.Sheswallowedbackherhesitationandsaid,“Sure.Ofcourse.”
Whoknew?Maybethistimewouldbedifferent.

Mikafocusedontheroad,thesky,theinfinitedark.Shewonderedaboutstartingover.Ifitwaspossibletobeginagain.
Morethananything,shewantedittobetrue.
ChapterTwenty-One
“That’llbetwenty-sevenbucks.Youwanttoopenatab?”Theshirtlessandveryhairybartendershoutedoverthemusic,sliding
threetequilashotsacrossthewoodtoptoHana,Mika,andHayato.Heavybassrockedthefloor,andstrobelightsflashed.
Tonightwaseightiesnight.PopremixesfromWhitneyHoustonandCyndiLauperblaredoverthesoundsystem.

Hanawedgedherselfbetweenblackvinylstoolsandhandedoverhercardtothebartender.“I’vegotit.Youcanleaveitopen,”
sheshoutedathisback.

Thethreetooktheirshotsandclinkedthemtogether.“Kanpai!”Hayatoyelled,squeezingalimebetweenhisteethanddowning
theshot.MikaandHanafollowedsuit,liquidburningtheirthroats.Theyshoulderedtheirwaythroughthecrowd,passing
acoupleofdragqueensoutfittedinleotardsandamuralofLadyGagaswathedinrobesholdingababyJesus.

“WeshouldhituptheGoldenEagleafterthis,”Hanasaid,namingagaybarinNortheastPortland.“It’smorelaidback,mostly
beargayswholikerockabilly.”

HayatocaughtMika’shandandtwirledheraround.He’dembracedthethemeandworeawhiteMiamiVicesuitwithatealshirtunderneath.“Iwanttodance.”

MikahadgonefullFlashdance,withalongoff-the-shouldersweatshirt-likedress,legwarmers,andheels.ShefollowedHayatotothedancefloor.Dudes
incagesswungaroundpoles,bodypaintglowingintheblacklight.Forawhile,thethreestayedtogether,butsoonenough,
HayatoandHanacoupledoff.Mikatookabreather,findingasliceofwalltoleanagainst.“Loveyouroutfit,”aslimblond
guyintheexactsamecostumesaidashepassedby.Inherbra,herphonebuzzed.Shefisheditout,surprisedtoseeThomas’s
nameflashingonthescreen.Shepluggedherearandstartedtowardthecourtyard.“Thomas?”sheyelledoverthenoise.

“Mika,youthere?”
“Holdon.”Shemadeittothecourtyard.Littlegroupscongregated,smokingandchatting.Sheshuffledtoacorner,nearest
thestreet.Thenightwashotandstifling.“Canyouhearmenow?”

“Yeah.Look,I’msorrytodothis,butthere’sbeenagasleakinmyhotel.”
“Oh,no.”
“It’sokay.Well,it’snotokay,actually.I’vebeencallingaroundtryingtofindanotherhotel,buteverythingisbooked
forsomecomicconvention.”Right.Portland’sComicConwasthisweekend.Asifoncue,acoupledressedinmatchingThor
costumeswanderedbyonthestreet.“DoyouknowofsomewhereIcouldstay?AnyonewhohasanAirbnbthat’ssomehowvacant?”

Mikaputafingertoherlips.“No.Sorry.”
“Shit.”
Although…HanawasstayingwithJosephine,andherroomhadbeenunoccupiedforsometimesinceshe’dbeenontour.“Ugh,thismaybeweird,
butHana’snothomelately.Ihaveanextraroom.”Mikalettheofferdangle.

Thomashesitated.“Idon’tknow.”
“ForgetIevensuggestedit.”Mikabangedherheadagainstthebrickwall.
“No,it’sagreatoffer.Itwouldn’tbeweird?You’dbecomfortablewiththat?”
“Itwillonlybeweirdifyoumakeitweird,”shesaid.“I’mcoolwithitaslongasyouandPennyare.”
Thomassnorted.“I’drathernotbotherher.ShewasexcitedaboutgoingtotheRockyHorrorPictureShowwithsomenewfriendstonight.ButI’msureshe’dbefinewithit.Anyway,Idon’twanttoworryher.”

Mikastraightened.“Alright.I’llcomepickyouupthen.”She’ddriventonightandparkedonthestreet,planningtoUber
ithomeifneedbe.Butshehadn’thadthatmuchtodrink.“Textmewhathotelyou’reatandgivemeafewminutestosay
goodbyetomyfriends.”

***
ThomashadbookedahotelneartheUniversityofPortlandandwaswaitingoutsidewhenMikapulledup.Shedidn’tbothergetting
outofthecar,justpoppedthetrunk—successfullythistime—forThomas’ssuitcase.

“Thanks,”Thomassaid,climbingintothefrontseat.
“Ofcourse.”Mikapulledintotraffic.
“Thisisadifferentcar,”Thomasobserved.Outofthecornerofhereye,shesawhimpresshisfingersagainstthewornseats.
“Thisismyrealcar,”Mikaexplained.“TheoneIdroveyouandPennyaroundinbelongedtomyfriendCharlie.Sheloaned
ittomefortheweek.”

“Right,”Thomassaid.“It’snice.”
Mikalaughed.“It’sterrible.Tape,glue,andaprayerareholdingittogether,butwe’vebeenwitheachotheralongtime.”
Shepattedthedashboardwithaffection.

“No,it’sgreat,really.Andthesmellisunique,like…”Hesearchedfortheword.
“Mildew.Ileftthewindowsdownintherain.”Theystoppedataredlight,andshecaughtThomasstaringatherexposedshoulder.
Shetuggedthedressup.“Iwasdowntown.ItwaseightiesnightattheCockpit.”Thomassaidnothing.“So,Pennyisatthe
RockyHorrorPictureShow?”She’dbeenacoupleoftimeswithHana.Haddressedupinfishnetsandredlipstickwaybackwhen.MikawonderedifDevon
hadgonetoo.Sheimaginedthefloppy-hairedpopstarkidinapleathercorsetandsmiledtoherself.

“Yep.Ididn’tknowwhatitwas.Imean,Iknowthemovie,butapparently,it’sa‘wholething,’”hesaid,makingairquotes.
“Shehasauniquetalentformakingmefeelveryuncool.”Thomas’smouthtwistedintoahalf-frown.

Aminutelater,theywerehome.MikashowedThomasaroundandputfreshsheetsonHana’sbed.Shetoedoffherheels,slipped
onapairofsweats,andgatheredherhairintoahighbun.“Youwantsomethingtoeat,drink?”Shemovedtothefridgeand
peeredinside.Slimpickings.Afewgroceriesforsalad.AcoupleIPAsthatwereHana’s.“Ihavelettuce,beer,orwater.”

“Beerwouldbegreat.”Thomasstoodinthemiddleofthelivingroom,handsjammedhalfwayinhispockets.MikauncappedthebeerandhandeditofftoThomasbeforecurlingintoacornerofthecouchwithaglassofwater.Thomassettledontheotherend,legssplayed.Mikastudiedhisprofile,thehardplanesofhischeeks,hisstraightRomannose.Hehadperfectproportionstomodelforasculpture.
HestaredatthedoortoHana’sroom.“WhereisHanaanyway?Youneversaid.”
Mikastretched,hookinghertoesonthecoffeetable.“Well,she’shomethisweekendbutstayingwithhergirlfriend.She’s
beenontourwithPearlJamthelastmonthorso.”

“Well,that’sawesome.”
“Yep.She’sanASLinterpreter.”
“That’sright,shetoldusaboutitwhenwewenttoherrollerderbygame.”
“It’sprettyamazingtowatchherwork,thewayherbodymoves.It’slikeperformanceart.Sheinvitedmeontour,butIsaid
no.”

Hismouthtwitched.Hesippedhisbeer.“Howcome?”
Herbrowsknittogether.“I’vebeenontourwithherbefore.It’scrazyandwildfun,butIdecidedtohanghereto…
fixthingswithPennyandfocusonmyjob.”

Thomasnoddedthoughtfully.Theybothunderstood.Pennywasalwaysareasontostay.“Pennysaidyouhadagoodconversation
after.”Hewavedahandaroundasiftowranglethemessypast,theartgalleryopening,Mika’slies,herchaoticvoicemail
toPenny.

“Shedid?”Mikaswallowedabitandbrieflyavertedhergaze.Sheplacedherglassofwateronthetable.She’dbeenwaiting
forThomastobringupthegallerynight,theaftermath.SheandPennyhadhaditout.DidThomaswanthisownreckoning?

Thomassettleddeeperintothecouch,spreadhislegsalittlewider.“Yes.Literally,shesaid:‘Wehadagoodconversation.’That’sall.”
“Itwasagoodconversation,Ithink.Anhonestone,atleast,”Mikaclarified.
Hewassilentforaminute.“Youknow,Pennyletmehearyourvoicemail.”
Mika’sstomachsoured.Shamecoatedherinsides.
“Itwasabravethingtodo,layitallonthelinelikethat,”Thomassaidseriously,lighteyesintentonher.
Surprised,Mika’seyeswidened,thenshescoffed,feelinganuncomfortableprickle.“Iwantedtomakeitright,that’sall.”
Shewouldn’tcallitbrave.SherememberedrunningfromPeter’sapartment.Hadn’tstoppedrunningsince—afraidoftimeand
herself,worriedshemightgethurtagain.Butnow,sheseemedtohavesloweddowntoletPennyin.Sheblinkedagainstthe
suddenvulnerability,thefear.“Thankyou,though.Andthanksforlettinghercomethissummer.”

Thomas’sturntoscoff.“Idon’tthinkIcouldhavestoppedPennyevenifI’dtried.”Thomassluggedtherestofhisbeer
andsatbackwithasigh.“Iwaswarywhenyoutwostartedspeakingagain.”

Mikaletoutalongbreath.“Iunderstand.”
“Shesaidyoutookhertomeetyourparents.Iwasnervousaboutthattoo.LasttimeIsawyourmother…shebasically
staredatPennylikeshehadthreeheads.”

Mikahesitatedforasecond.WonderinghowmuchtotellThomasaboutherrelationshipwithhermother.Howmuchshouldshe
lethimin?“Mymomdidn’twantmetohavePenny,”Mikaadmittedsoftly.Thomassharplyinhaled.“She,um,didn’tthinkI
couldhandlebeingaparentandwasn’tsupportiveduringthepregnancy.”

“I’msorry,”Thomassaid,andtherewasatraceofsomethinginhiseyes.Sadness?Pity?
“It’salright,”Mikasaid.“It’sinthepastnow.”Notreally,butMikadidn’twanttodigtoodeep.Whateversheunearthed
wouldbetoomessy.Toohardtocleanup.“IwasworriedaboutPennymeetingmyparentsalso.Butitwentwell.Betterthan
Ithought.MymomlikesPenny,Ithink.”

“Shecalledmeafterandwasreallyexcited.Saidshe’sgoingtomakesomethingwithyourmom…”
“Tsukemono.Pickledvegetables,”Mikafilledin.
“Pennyalsosaidthisisthefirsttimeshe’severfeltJapanese.”
Mikafrozemomentarily,takenaback.“Wow.I’msorry.”Sheapologizedbecausesheknewwhatitfeltlike.Totrytogiveyour
kideverythingandknowyoucameupshort.Thatyouweren’tenough.Thattheyneededmore.Childrenweretheworstandbest
thingsthatcouldhappentoaperson.

Thomasshrugged.“Noneofthisiseasy.”
“It’snot,”Mikaagreed.“Thomas,”shesaid,andshewaiteduntilshehadhisattention.“I’mworkinghardatmyrelationship
withPenny.Ishouldn’thavelied.Iwasinsecureabout…alotofthings,”sheadmitted.“IwantedtobeworthyofPenny.”
Ofyou.Ofeveryone.Theworld.Butshedidn’taddthat.

Henoddedlongandslowandsaid,“Ibelieveyou.”Hepickedatthelabelofhisbeerwithhisthumbs.“Although,Icould
havetoldyoufromthebeginning,lyingtoyourkidisn’tagoodlook.”Hetappedhischest.“Personalexperience.”

“Oh?”
“Wehadacat,andwhenPennywasfive,itdisappeared.CarolineandIwoketotheseawfulscreechingnoisesearlyonemorning.Coyotegotit,Ithink.ButinsteadoftellingPennythatthecatwasdead,wetoldherithadrunoff.She’dsearchforitallthetime.Untiloneday,shefounditscollarwithalittlebloodonit.Probablyscarredherforlife.Carolinehadtroubletalkingaboutthehardstuff.Evenwhenshefoundoutshehadcancer.Shedidn’twanttotellPennyrightaway.Iwentalongwithit.Buthindsightisalwaystwenty-twenty.WeshouldhavetoldPennyaboutthecat.Weshouldhavetoldherabouthermother.”Thomasgrinnedruefully,andtheweightofithitMikafullinthechest.“ThoughI’mdefinitelynottellingherhowmuchIdrankincollege.”Hehunchedforward,lettingtheemptybeerbottledanglebetweenhisfingers.“Anyway,parentslyingtokidsisnotanewthing.Youdidn’tinventit,sodon’tpunishyourselftoomuch.”
Mikadidn’tknowwhattodowithThomas’skindness,howtorepayit,soshesaid,“There’smorebeerinthefridgeifyou
wantanother.”

Thomasunfoldedfromthecouchandpointedtohernear-emptyglassofwater.“Refill?”
“I’dbetternot,”shetoldhim.“Ipurposelydehydratemyselfbeforebed.”
Thomasusedthecountertosnapthecapoffthebottle.“I’mafraidtoask.”
Mikastretched,languid,andtired.“IfIhavetoomanyliquids,Ipeeallnight.”Aweakbladderhadbeenagiftfrompregnancy.
AreminderthatPenny’sbodyusedtobeinsideMika’s.Mikamighthaveforgottenthedetailsofthoseninemonths.Mostthings
fadewithtime.Eventhethingsyoutrydesperatelytoholdonto.Butherbodyalwaysremembered.Maybethat’swhatmakes
youage.Theweightofeventsdroopedyourshoulders,carvedlinesinyourface.Yeah,thatwasit.Themindmayforget,but
thebodyalwaysremembers.
ChapterTwenty-Two
MikasippedacupofcoffeeinthekitchenandwatchedThomasemergefromHana’sroom,pullinganavyT-shirtoverhishead.
Shespunaroundandblinked,seeingtheflatplaneofhisstomach,thelittlestripofhairthatdisappearedintohiswaistline.
Hishappytrail.

“Morning,”Thomassaid,voiceroughwithsleep.
“Hey.”Mikawincedattheshrillnessinhertone.“Imadecoffee.”Sheretrievedamugfromthecupboardandslidittoward
Thomas.

“Thanks.”Hepouredhimselfacup.
“Creamerisinthefridge.”Mikaleanedagainstthecounterandcrossedherarms,mugstillinonehand.She’ddressedin
leggingsandanoversizedT-shirt.Anyothermorning,she’dbewanderingaroundinherundies.

“Blackisfine.”Hesippedthecoffeeandsetitdown.Abowlwiththreeorangeswasonthecounter,andhefrownedatthem,
thephantomtasteofsomethingsourtwistinghislips.

“Ismycoffeethatbad?There’sagoatyogastudioslashcafédownthestreet,”sheoffered.
“No.It’snotthat.I…”Hehesitated.
“What?”
Thomasclampedhislipsshutandshookhishead.“Nothing.”Heglancedattheorangesagain.
“Tellme.”
Atlength,hesaid,“It’stheoranges.They’reallwrong.”
“Okay,”Mikasaidslowly.
“Ihatethenavels.”Hevisiblyshudderedandpaled.
“Youmeanthese?”Shepickedupanorangeandstudiedthebellybutton.Thebowlusedtohousefakelemons.
“Yes,”hesaidsoberly.
“Huh.”Sheplacedtheorangebackinthebowl,bellybuttondown.Thensheturnedtherest,sotheyfacedthecounter.“Any
otherfoodaversionsIshouldknowabout?”

“No,butI’malsoafraidofgeese.”ThecolorreturnedtoThomas’scheeks.Mikawaspreparedtoletitgo,butthenhesaid,
“I’drathernottalkaboutit.”

“NowIhavetoknow.”Mikaeyedhimovertherimofhermug.
Heleanedagainstthecounter.“Badexperienceasachild.IhadastuffedgoosethatIloveduntilmybrotherchasedmearound
thehousewithit,threateningtopeckmyeyesout.Then,whenIdidactuallyseeaflockoflivegeeseinperson,theychased
me.Haven’tbeenabletotoleratethemsince.”

“Ilovealltheseglimpsesintoyourpersonallife.It’sverypsychologicallyhelpful,”Mikateased.Theysmiledateachother.
Lightcamethroughthekitchenwindow,hangingthickintheairlikestirredhoney.Mikaclearedherthroat.“So,uh,what
timedoesyourflightleave?”Pennywasrunningsanddunes.ThroughHana’sopendoor,shecouldseeThomas’sbagwasalready
packed.

Hecheckedthewatchonhiswrist.“Flightdoesn’tleaveuntillaterthisafternoon.I’llprobablyheadtotheairportearly
andfindsomewheretocampout.I’mrewatchingallofTheLordoftheRings.”

Mika’sjawdropped.“Wow.ThatmightbethesaddestthingI’veeverheard.”
Thomasleanedforward,elbowsonthecounter.“I’mthinkingoflearningelvish.”
Mikablewoutabreath.“ScratchwhatIjustsaid.That’sthesaddestthingI’veeverheard.”

Ahalf-laughrattledoutofThomas.“It’saverypopularlanguage.”
“Yes.Amonglonelyvirginswhocan’tgrowfacialhair,”Mikablurted,thenhercheeksburned.Hadshereallyjustsaidthat?
Thomas’smouthremainedastraightline,buthiseyesglitteredwithhumor.“That’sareallyharmfulstereotype.”Hepaused.
Thoughtaboutsomething.“Icouldfixyourholeforyou.”

Mikaswallowed.“Comeagain?”
Thomasdippedhischintowardthewindow,theonefacingthebackyard.“Theholeinyouryard,asathank-youforletting
mestaythenight.”MikaflashedbacktowhenPennyandThomashadcometodinner.WhenThomashadtoedthegroundandasked
ifshehadgophers.Right.

Mikasmoothedherlipstogether.“That’sokay.Iactuallyalreadyfilleditin.”She’dplantedthemapletreethere,theone
Hiromithoughthadafungus.

Thomaswanderedtothewindow.“Looksgood.”
SheconsideredThomas.Theirconversationlastnight.Howtodayfeltlikeafreshstartandinthespiritofthat…“Okay,”
Mikasaid,knockingbacktherestofhercoffeeandplacingthemugintheporcelainsink.“Let’sgo,sadguy.”

Thomasturnedtoher.“What?”
“I’mtakingyouout.”
Hiseyebrowspinchedtogether.“Iknowwe’vehadourdifferences,butIfeellikemurderisalittlefar.”
“Hardy-har-har,”Mikadeadpanned.
Thomassethiscupdown.“Wherearewegoing?”
Mikagrabbedherkeysandopenedthedoorwide,hersmileevenwider.“You’llsee.”
***
“Donuts?”Thomasshiftedonhisfeet,handsstuffedintohispockets.“ThisisbetterthanMordorandlearningelvish.”
TwoguysinskinnyjeansaheadofthemturnedandlettheireyestravelfromthetipsofThomas’sshoestothetopofhis
silver-streakedhair.“CouldyoutonedownTheLordoftheRingsjargon?”askedMika.“Imightknowsomeonehere.”HerewasVoodooDoughnutsinOldTown.Thefirstfewyears,thedonutshophadbeenopenonlyfromninep.m.totwoa.m.Incollege,
HanaandMikawouldstumblein,liquorsoaked,tobingeonfrostedvanilladonutsdustedwithCap’nCrunchandbaconmaple
bars.Theshopsoonopenedduringtheday,andnowhereMikaandThomaswere,waitinginlineforamuch-covetedpinkbox
ofdonuts.“We’reworkingonyourspontaneity.”

Thelinemoved.MikaandThomasshuffledforward.“I’mveryspontaneous,”Thomassaidproudly,rockingbackonhisheels.“Ontheweekends,Idon’tmakemybed.AndsometimesPennyandIhavebreakfastfordinner.”Heraisedhiseyebrowsinatake-thatkindofway.
“Whoa!”Mikaheldupherhands,thenclutchedherchest,pretendingtobeaghast.Thetwoguysinfrontofthemsnickered.
“Ithinkmyheartjuststoppedfromshock.”Thomascrackedaslowsheepishsmile.Sheelbowedhim.“C’mon,let’sgetallsugared
upandpaintthetownred.”Thelinemovedagain,andtheywereinside.Thefloorwaspink,yellow,brown,andbeigelinoleum
tiles.Thewallswerepaintedyellowandpink.Trulyhideous.Butitsmelledamazing,likeswimminginavatofsugarand
cinnamonandbreadrising.Theyorderedhalfadozenofthemostpopulardonutsfromadudeatthecounterwithahandlebar
mustache,thenwanderedbacktothecar.Theysettledin,pinkboxofdonutsontheconsolebetweenthem.Mikawaitedtostart
thecar,eyesonthewaterfrontbeforethem.

ShepoppedopentheboxandpickedanOldDirtyBastard,araisedyeastdonutwithchocolatefrosting,Oreocookies,andpeanut
butter.“IstillwishyouwouldhaveletmebuyyouaT-shirt.”Atthecounter,MikahadtriedtofoistaT-shirtontoThomas.
ItfeaturedtheVoodooDoughnutlogo,aversionofBaronSamediwithathemagicisinthehole.Aswiththeoranges,Thomashadvisiblyblanched.Hedidn’twearanysortofshirtwithagraphiconit.Muchtoowild.
AquirkofThomas’sMikamighthavefoundalienatingbutnowthoughtofaskindofendearing.

“You’retreatingmetobreakfastwithasideofheartattack,that’senough.”ThomaspluckedanAppleFritterfromthebox
andtookahealthybite.“Ohmygod!”hesaid,cheekfullofdough,eyesnearlyrollingtothebackofhishead.“That’sthe
bestdonutI’veeverhad.”

“Right?”Mika’sgrinsplitwide.“Iknow.IusedtocomehereallthetimewithHana.”
Thomasswallowed.“Sogood.”HepickedoutaKeyLimeCrushandfinisheditintwobites.Helickedjellyfromhisfinger.
“Let’sbringPennyherenexttimeIvisit.She’ssuchafoodieandhasn’tevermentionedit.She’llthinkI’mcoolbecause
Iknewaboutitbeforeher.”

Mikagrinned.Sheglancedattheclockonherdashboard.Itwasstillearly.Thomas’sflightdidn’tleaveforanothersix
hours.Sheconsideredwheretotakehimnext.TheFreakybutttruePeculiarium,thefarmersmarket,morefood…whatwould
Thomasliketodo?Shestaredatthewater,theboatswhizzingbyanddriftinginthecurrent.Shestartedthecar.“Youready
togo?”

Thomasmadesomesoundofagreement.Atleast,Mikathoughtso.ItwashardtotellwithhismouthfullofCap’nCrunchdonut.
Thirtyminuteslater,Mikapulledintoagravelparkinglotshadedbytoweringfirtrees.Aconveniencestorewithahandmade
signthatboasted:thebestdelisandwichesthissideoftheriverpluskayakrentals.
“Kayaking?”Thomassaid,butinadifferentwaythanhe’dsaiddonutsearlier.Ontheway,he’dpolishedofftwomore,andafaintcoatofpowderedsugardustedhisknee.

“Kayaking.”Mikanodded.SherememberedThomashadrowedincollege.
“Ihaven’tbeenoutonthewaterfor…”Heshookhishead.“Jesus.Idon’tknowhowlong.”Hecrackedhisknuckles,dark
browfurrowing.“Yeah,okay.I’mexcited.”Theyrentedthekayaks,thenmetupwithastocky,beardedguyonthesandyshore
whofittedthemwithawaterproofbag,lifejackets,andaredwhistle.“JustincaseyourunintoRoslyn,”hesaid.

“Roslyn?”Mikaasked,slippingonherlifejacket.
“Yeah.Alligator,wethinkshewassomekid’spet.”Helaugheditoffandwavedahand.“Anyway,youprobablywon’tseeher,
butifyoudo,you’llhavethewhistle.”

“Whistle,yeah,”Mikasaid,pausingasshezippedthejacket.
Thomasgrabbedthewhistleandloopeditaroundhisneck.“Anythingelse?”Hewasready,nearlybouncingonhisfeet.Hadn’t
lookedathiswatchoncesincethey’darrivedormentionedtrafficandtheairport.

“Nope.Kayaksareyoursforthreehours,”theguysaid.
Thomasthankedhimandtrudgedtoanorangekayak.Mikafollowed,jacketstillundone.“Um,Thomas.Ithinkweshouldgosomewhere
else.”

“What?Why?”Hewhippedaround.
“Becauseof…”Sheloweredhervoicesothebeardedguywouldn’thear,buthewasalreadyclimbingbackupthestepsto
theparkinglot.“Roslyn.”

“Thealligator?Wait,areyouscared?”heasked,disbelieving.Asifheatealligatorsforbreakfast.
“OfcourseI’mscared.”
“Isee.”Thomastriedtohidehissmile.“I’msurehewasjustjoking.Thewhistleisifwecapsizeorgetlost.Plus,don’t
youthinkiftherereallywasanalligator,therewouldbesignsposted?”True.Thatdidmakesense.“Andthey’dgiveussomething
morethanawhistle?”Evenmoresense.Thomasgazedacrossthewater,sadnesssofteninghiseyes.“Butifyoureallydon’twantto…”Hetrailedoff,hunghishead,androlledhiseyesup,regardingMikathroughdarklashes,asadpuppy
ifshe’deverseenone.

“Ugh,alright,”saidMika.“Butifwerunintoanythingremotelyscaly,Iampushingyouinfrontofme.”
Thomascrossedhisheart.“Iwillbeganycreatureweencountertotakemefirst.”
Theyloadedintothekayaksandshovedoffusingtheirpaddles.Thomastookthelead,hisbowknifingthroughtheglassywater,
withtheairofaseasonedprofessional.Shewatchedthemusclesinhisarmsmoveandflexasheusedtheoarstosteer.Farther
andfartherfromthedock,theydrifted,paddlingaimlessly.AndThomaswaslikeakidoncupcakes,hisexcitementlikea
lasso—ensnaringMika.

“Pennywouldlovethis,”Thomascalledtoher.
“Yeah,”Mikaagreedwithasmile,picturingit:thethreeofthempaddlingthroughthewater,Penny’sinfectiouslaughfloating
downtheriver,alwayssoreadyforadventure.Mikasnappedafewpictures,sentthemtoPenny,andthenputherphoneback
inthewetbag.

Thomaskayakedfartherdowntheriver.Mikawascontenttotrailbehindhim,followinghislead.Everysooften,hepaused
andturnedbacktomakesureshewaskeepingup.Aboyishgrintransformedhisfeatures—helookedyearsyounger,carefree.
Thesunwasbeatingdown,thebirdswerechirping,anditfeltliketheyweretheonlytwopeopleformiles.

Whentheyreachedapatchoflilypads,Mikarestedthepaddleonherkneesandleanedback,happilydriftinginthewater
andbaskinginthesunlightandThomas’shappiness.

Bonk.SomethingjuttedagainstthebackofMika’skayak.Shespuntowardthesound.Roslyn?Thekayakrocked,tilted.Mikapanickedandshiftedherbodyweight,makingajerkingmotion.Thekayaktipped,takingMikawithit.Astrangledscreameruptedfromherthroatjustasshehitthewater.Shewassubmergedforasecond.Headbobbingtothesurface,shegasped.Throughthecurtainofhersoggyblackhair,shespottedThomaspaddlingtowardher.
“YoucrosspathswithRoslyn?”Heglidedrightupnexttoherandpointedatsomethingwithhisoar.Mikashovedthehair
fromherface.Nearlyateyelevel,staringather,wasabeaver.Itsnosetwitched,revealinglongyellowingteeth.Itstudied
herforamoment,thenturned,tailslappingthewaterasitswamaway.“Littlefurrytobeanalligator,”Thomassaidmatter-of-factly.

MikaglaredatThomas,turnedherback,andswamtoherkayak,tryingunsuccessfullytohoistherselfintoit.Toolate,she
rememberedbasicpull-upsmadeherscream.Gettingherwet,clothedbodybackinthekayakwasnighimpossible.Intheend,
Thomashadtogetinthewaterandhelpher.Togethertheyswam,guidingtheirkayakstoanearbysandyalcove.Theytrudged
totheshore,wetclothesclingingtotheirbodies.Thomaswhippedoffhisshirt,andMikafoundthegroundsuddenlyfascinating.
Hewrungitoutintothesandandslippeditbackon.Mikacrossedherarmsoverherchestandshivered.Thedaywaswarm,
buttheywereintheshade.Eachbreezeatinycoldwhipagainstherskin.

Thomas’slighteyessweptdownMikaandbackup.“Hangon,”hecommanded.Hetrompedintotheforestandreturnedwithdry
twigs,leaves,andsomebark.Mikawatchedasheusedthenylonropefromthewhistleandmadesomethingresemblingabow
withit.Finally,hesquatteddown,assembledsomeothercontraption,movingthebowbackandforth.Theleavesbegantosmoke
andcatchfire.Thomasblewonit,andtheblazeincreased.Hedumpedacouplebiggerpiecesofwoodontothefire.

Mikasteppedforwardtosplayherhandsabovetheflames.“ThisisveryBearGryllsofyou,”shesaidpointedly.
“Thatguy?Hisstuffisallstaged.”Thomasseemedalittleoffended.
“Oh?”sheasked.Thomasmerelynodded—enoughsaid.“Sohowdoesonelearntoconjurefiresfromsticks,leaves,andnylon
rope?”

“IwasanEagleScout,”hesaidwithashrug.Hepaused.“Stayhere.Warmup.I’mgoingtogetmorewood.”
“EagleScout,”Mikawhisperedtoherself,watchingThomasgatherlogsfromthetreeline.“Courseyouwere.”
Afewminuteslater,thefireblazedinafullroar.Theyslippedofftheirshoesandproppedthemuptodry.Mika’scheeks
grewtoastywarm.Thomassatacrossfromher,kneesup,elbowsrestingonthem.Mikalistenedtothechirpofthebirdsand
staredatthefire,transfixedbytheflames.“Sorryaboutthebeaver.”

“Don’tworryaboutit.I’msurebeaversgetmistakenforalligatorsallthetime.”Thomaslookedaway.Hepressedhislips
together,mouthworkingnottosmile.Shewatchedashehunghishead.Hisshouldersshook.Hewaslaughing—ather.
“You’rehilarious,”Mikasaidflatly.
Hesmirkedather.“No.Igetit.Itotallydo.Hewasterrifying.Iseewhyyoupanicked.Definitelynotanoverreaction.”
Mikadughertoesintothesand.“Thebeaverwasbig.”
“WhenIretellthestory,Iwillcastthebeaverasmassive,atleastahundredpounds,”Thomaspromised.
“I’mprettysuretheydon’tgetabovefiftypounds.ButIappreciateyourmutantbeavertake.”MikaalsoappreciatedthewayhisdampT-shirtclungtohisshoulders.Shefoundastickandjabbedatthefire,shiftinghergazeaway.“Youshouldknowthat,intheinstanceofanotherextra-largebeaverthatmightbeanalligator,Iwillgladlythrowyourbodyinfrontofmine.ItwouldbeashameforPennytoloseaparent,but…”Mikapaused,realizedwhatshe’dsaid.Shescrambledtomakeitright.“Shit.Sorry,”shesaidfeebly.She’dforgotten.Caroline.Shestaredathimhelplessly.

Thomaslookedatheroverthefirewithaferventgaze.“It’salright,”hesaidfinally,expressioninscrutable.
Mikadugherhandsintothesandandfistedthem.“No,it’snot.Iamaninsensitiveasshole.I’msorry,”shesaidstupidly.
“Pennysaidyoudon’tliketotalkaboutit.Iunderstand.You’renotoverit.”

Hiseyesflickered,andafewtensebeatspassedbeforeheanswered.“Doyouevergetoversomeoneyoulovedying?”
“No.”Mikapeeredaway.
Thelightingwasjustright.Thesurroundingtreesmirroredinthewater,theirleavesbrightandgreen,grinningatsummer.
Soonthey’dcurl,turnbrown,witherawaywithfall.Mostlivesweredrawnwithfragilelines.Thepanicattacksworsened
afterMikahadPenny.Atfirst,Hanahadbeenpatientandkind.SittingbyMika’ssidewhileshefracturedandshort-circuited,
fragmentedallovertheplace.

IthinkI’mdying,she’dsaytoHana,gaspingforbreath.Butreally,Mikahadthought,itwashersoultryingtoreenterabodythatdidn’t
fitanymore.Halfadozentimeslater,Hana’spatiencethinned.Sheturnedlovinglymean.SheforcedMika’sfeetintoshoes,
herbodyacrosscampustothefreecounselingservices.ThereMikahadmetSuzanne,agraduatepsychologystudentwhoapproached
Mikaasthoughshewereaskittishwhippedhorse.SuzannetaughtMikahowtobreathethroughthefear.WhenMikacalmed,she
hadclenchedherfistsandpoundedherkneesandsaid,Ijustneedtogetoverthis.Itwassomethinghermotherhadinstilledinher.Toriseaboveadversity.Justastherewerenarrativesforgoodmothers,therewerenarrativesforgoodvictimstoo.Don’tletitdefineyou.Bebrave.Notavictim.
Suzanneleanedover,macraménecklaceswingingintheair,andwithallthesympathyintheworldandmaybealittlepity,
shesaid,Babe,thisisn’tsomethingyougetover.Thisissomethingyougothrough.
Now,Mikarepeatedit.“It’ssomethingyougothrough,”MikawhisperedtoThomas.
Hestaredather,gazesharpandfiery.“That’sexactlyright.”Asadghostofasmileappearedonhisface.“Carolinehad
thisrunningjoke.NowthatIthinkofit,itwaskindofmorbid.ButsheusedtoteasemethatIwastrappedinacomadream.
Sometimesshe’dhugmefrombehindandsay,‘Wakeup,Thomas,Iloveyou.Ineedyou.’Thenshe’dlaughlikeitwasthefunniest
thing.Whenshepassedaway,Iwasbyherside.Therewereallthesenursesaround,butIcouldn’thelpmyself.Iwhispered
inherear,‘Wakeup,Caroline.Iloveyou.Ineedyou.’”Hepaused.Hiseyeswereredandliquid.Mika’sweretoo.“I’ve
nevertoldanyonethat.”

“AfterIhadPenny,Iusedtotalktoher,”Mikablurted.Hi,baby,youaretwoweeksoldtoday,andIhopeyouaredoingokay.I’mnotdoingsohotmyself…Mikawouldsay.Itwasallshecoulddotokeepfromself-destructingcompletely.

Thomasbobbedhisheadinagreement.“IusedtotalktoCarolinetoo.Thenitbecamelessandless.Untiloneday,Ididn’t
talktoheratall.”Heclearedhisthroatandwipedunderhisnose.“Anyway,it’ssomethingI’vebeenthrough.I’monthe
othersidenow.Idon’tcarryallthataroundwithmeanymore.I’mthankfulforCaroline,forthelifewemadetogether,for
Penny.Idon’thaveanyregrets.But…”Hetookabreathandwenton.“PennysaidIdon’tliketalkingabouther?”

“Yeah.”
“That’smyfault.”Hetossedanotherlogontothefire.“Iwassopissedaftershedied.Solostinmyowndesolation,Ididn’tmakeiteasyforPenny.”
“Whatwasshelike?”Thewordsslippedout,andMikawishedshecouldtakethemback.ShewantedtolikeCarolinebutalso
feltadeephungertofindfaultswithinher,thisphantomothermothertoPenny.

Atlast,Thomassmiledagain.“Carolinewasprettyamazing.Asaperson,shewassweetandgiving,andkind.She’dstayafter
shiftsandvisitpatientswhodidn’thaveafamilywhenshewasanurse.Shewasagreatwifeandmom.Wemadeagoodteam.
IwishshewasheretoseePenny.Howgoodsheis.”

“Shesoundsperfect.”Mikatriedtokeeptheenvyfromhervoice.Howcouldsheevercompare?
ThomasstudiedMika.“Shewasn’t,actually.Farfromit.Shehadatemperandusedsilencelikeaweapon.”Mikathoughtof
hermother’squietunhappiness.OfPenny’srefusaltotalkaboutCaroline.Ofherownunwillingnesstostepforwardafter
Peter.Allthewayswomenwieldedorkeptsilence.Howdangerousitcouldbe.“Once,shedidn’ttalktomefortwodaysstraight
whenIhadtoomuchtodrinkwithsomebuddies.”

“Yikes,”Mikasaid.
Henoddedandpokedatthesandwithafinger.Hesmiledwryly.“Shelikedbeingincontrol.Shecleanedobsessivelyandwas
abitofaperfectionist.SometimesIthoughtIwouldn’teverbegoodenoughforher.Butshelovedmeanyway,andIloved
her.”

MikapeeredatThomas.Shethoughtaboutlove,itsdifferentforms—whatitfeltliketohaveit,toloseit.Theyhadthat
incommon.

Anengine’sroarsoundedandclosedin.Birdsstartledfromtheirtrees.Afishingboatmotoredtoastopandidledjustofftheshore.“Hey!”Thebeardedguyfromthekayakrentalplacecuppedhishandsoverhismouthandyelled,“Yourrentalsareoverdue,andtherearenofiresonthatbeach.It’spublicland.”
ThomasandMikahauledtotheirfeet.Thomasthrewsandonthefire,andthebeardedguybroughttheboatcloser.Together
theyloadeduptheirkayaks.

“Sorry,”Thomassaid,windbreezingthroughhishairontheirwaybacktothedock.“Wehadarun-inwithRoslyn.”
Thebeardedguybarkedaheartylaugh.Heraisedhisarmtopointatavinemaplegrowinginthesandybank.Itsbranches
archedoverthewater,andfromthemhungastuffedmuddyalligator,apieceofcardboardarounditsneck,thenameRoslynSharpiedonit.“Roslynstrikesagain,”hesaid.

***
Mikawaited,backturnedwhileThomaschangedoutofhisdampclothesintocleananddryonesinhercar.Heemergedwith
asweatshirt.“Here,”hesaid,handingitover.

“Oh,thanks.”Mikaslippediton,Dartmouthrowingemblemoverherchest.
Shedrovehimtotheairport,andtheysaidgoodbye.Mikaofferingtowashthesweatshirtandsendittohim.Buthesaidhe’dgetitwhenhecamebackintotowninafewweeks.Athome,Mikashowered.Whensheemerged,atextfromThomaswaited.
Flightisabouttoboard.Thanksforthismorning.Iforgothowgooditfeelstobeoutonthewater.
SherememberedThomasinthekayak.Hisfaintgrinwascontagious,overconfident,eyesonthewindingriver.Sheknewthat
look.Knewthatfeeling.Itwasthesameaswhenshegazedatpaints.Likesomethingbelongedtoyou.Anytime,sheanswered.

Itwasreallyamazing.Youjustgetbusywithfamilyandall,butIfeellikeIstillgotit,hereplied.

Yeah,you’reforsuretheGOATofkayaking,sheshotback.

Herepliedwithasingleword,GOAT?
Shetightenedtheknotonherrobebeforeclarifying.Greatestofalltime.
Iamsensingsarcasm.Areyoustillupsetaboutthebeaver?heteased.

Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,sheansweredwithagrowingsmile.

Thankyou,hesimplysaid.

Don’tmentionit.I’mgladyouhadfun,shereplied.

Shepickedupherclothesfromthefloor,includinghissweatshirt,anddumpedthemintothewash.Backatherphone,Thomas
hadtextedagain.Seriously,Ioweyouone.Interstitial
ADOPTIONACROSSAMERICA
NationalOffice
56544W57thAve.Suite111
Topeka,KS66546
(800)555-7794
DearMika,
Howareyou?!Canyoubelievehowfasttimepasses?Pennyisthirteen,andithasbeensuchajoywatchinghergrowupwith
you.Asalways,enclosedaretherequisiteitemsinregardtotheadoptionagreementbetweenyou,MikaSuzuki(thebirthmother),
andThomasCalvin(theadoptiveparent)forPenelopeCalvin(theadoptee).Contentsinclude:

Anannualletterfromtheadoptiveparentdescribingtheadoptee’sdevelopmentandprogress
Photographsand/orothermemorabilia
Givemeacallifyouhaveanyquestions.
Allthebest,
MonicaPearson
AdoptionCoordinatorInterstitial
DearMs.Suzuki,
Pennycelebratedherthirteenthbirthdaylastweekandisintheeighthgrade.Sheisdoingfineandexcelsinmostofher
classes.SheisthinkingofjoiningarunningteamandhasaskedforakittenforChristmas.I’veincludedsomepicturesof
herrecentsciencefairproject.

Allbest,
ThomasChapterTwenty-Three
Mikapeeredatthemoundoforanges.
“AmImissingsomething?”Pennytiltedherhead,thenhermouthformedalittleO.“Didyouseeagiantspider?Isawthis
newsstoryonceabouttropicalarachnidshitchingridesinfruitshipments.”

Mikashookherhead,steppingclosertotheorangestoavoidadadwiththreerowdykidsinhiscart.Uwajimaya,theAsian
market,wasloud,bright,andbustlingthisSaturdaymorning.“No.Nogiantspider.”

Pennypursedherlips.“Shoot.”
Mikapickedupanorangetoexamineit,turningitinherhands.“Didyouknowyourfatherdoesn’tlikethenavelsoforanges?”
“Oh,yeah.He’satotalweirdo.”Pennyshifted,settingdownthebasketfilledwithMeijichocolatebars,Pockysticks,and
WhiteRabbitcandy—totallyabalanceddiet.Thensheturnedasectionoftheorangessotheywereallnavelorbuttup.

Mikaretrievedherphonefromherbackpocketandsnappedaphoto.“Shouldwetexthimapicture?”
“Forsure,”Pennysaidwithabitofagrin,pickingupthebasket.
Mikahitsendwithawickedsmile.Theylaughedandshoppedsomemore,Pennymarvelingatthepackagesofdriedsquid,liveuniintanks,andmountainsofbokchoy.Drinkingupthesightsandsmellslikeastalkofbamboostarvedforrain.Thomastextedbackwithaphotographofabeaver,butsomehow,he’dcoloredtheeyesneongreen.MikaoptednottoshowPenny.Howwouldsheexplain?IthoughtIsawanalligator,anditwasreallyabeaver.Itippedmykayak,andyourfatherhadtofishmeout.First,thewholethingwasembarrassing.Mikafelthercheeksheateventhinkingaboutit.Second,theorangesweresomething
thethreeofthemshared,butthejokeaboutthebeaver…thatwasMikaandThomas’s.Thewholescenariomightseemoff
toPenny—weirdor,worse,intimate
Astheycheckedout,Mikainsistedtheytrysometakoyaki.“Friedoctopus,streetfood,”sheexplainedtoPennyastheyslid
intochairsatthefoodcourt.InJapan,itwasrudetowalkandeat.Mikaplacedtheball-shapedsnacksinthemiddleof
thetableandpointedoutsomeoftheingredients—doughyballswithachunkofoctopusontheinside,tempurascraps,pickled
ginger,andgreenonion.Pennybrokeapartapairofwoodenhashianddugin.Mikalovedhowfearlessherdaughterwas.

Pennychewedslowly,thoughtfully.“Thisisgood.Ilikeit,”sheannounced.Assoonasshewasdonewiththefirst,shepopped
asecondinhermouth,thenannounced,cheekfull,“I’mthinkingofsleepingwithDevon.”

Mikachoked,coughed,andspluttered,thengulpedsomewater.
Pennywatchedherwithaside-eye.“Youokay?”
Mikapattedherchest.“Sorry.Sleepingwithhim?”shesaidcarefully,throatstillburningalittle.Maybeshe’dheardincorrectly.Maybeshe’dheardcorrectlyanddidn’tunderstand.Maybesleepingtogetherdidn’tmeanthesamethingasMikathoughtitdid.Maybeitwasmoreofaslumberparty–typethingnowinteen-speak,likewrappingyourselvesupinsheetsandlyingsidebysidesilentlyinthedarkwithabsolutelynotouching.
“Youknow,sex,”Pennysaid,hervoicedropping.

Mikasippedherwateragainandtriedtomusteranencouragingsmile.“That’sabigstep.”Itwastheonlythingshecould
thinktosayinthemoment,otherthanremindingPennyshewassixteen.Ababy.Mybaby.
Pennyballedanapkinupandfistedit.“I’mready.I’msureIam.Like,IthinkIlovehim.”
Devonmightnotfeelthesame,butMikadidn’thavethehearttosaythat,didn’thavethehearttobreakPenny’sheart.To
voiceherfearthatPennymaynotbelovedinthewayshewantedorshouldbe.Soinstead,shesaid,“Loveisn’talwaysa
requirement.”SheregardedPenny,thoughtaboutherdaughter,herworldview—howitwassmallandsingularandalittlena?ve.
IsthatwhatHiromihadthoughtofMikawhenshewasateen?Mikashiftedinherseat.Howdeeplyunsettlingtothinkyou
mightbelikeyourownmother.

Pennybitherlowerlip,raisingherlashestoshylymeetMika’seyes.“CanIask…Imean,whatwasyourfirsttimelike?”
Mikafocusedonatanukiinthehomegoodssection.Thedancingraccoon’seyeswerecrossedandbetweenhislegshunganenormoussetoftesticles—youknow,forgoodluck.“Myfirsttime?”SheblinkedandsawtheCheerfulTortoise,abaroncampus.Rememberedherhipsswinginglikeapendulum,smilingatacuteguythroughthecrowd.HisnamewasJordan,apoliticalsciencemajor.HeworeBirkenstockswithsocks,sharedanapartmentwithfourotherguys,andinhisroom,insteadofalampwasoneofthoseoutdoorfloodlights.“Itwasn’tsupermemorableorromantic.Butitwasfun,”Mikaansweredhonestlywithawistfulsmile.“Ithurtalittle.”Shefelthercheeksburn,feltPenny’sattentionintensify.Shehadn’ttoldJordanshewasavirginuntilafter.Heinsistedongoingslower,tryingagain.TheylistenedtoWilcowhilehewentdownonher.Mikastudiedthetable.“Penny,”shesaid,goingforacalm,nonjudgmentaltone.“Areyousure?AboutDevon?Youhaven’tknownhimverylong.”Ahandfulofweeks,Mikawantedtoadd.Onethousandpercent,shefeltlikeahypocrite.Butgod,whyhavechildrenifyoucouldn’tsavethemfromyourmistakes?
“Ihave,”Pennysaid,resolveinhereyes.Eyesthathadn’tseennearlyenough.“Wespendalotoftimetogether,almostall
day,everyday.Plus,youknow,I’vedonetonsofotherstuff.”

Mikastiffened.“Idon’tneedtoknow.”Thefewerdetails,thebetter.
“I’mready.IknowIam,”Pennyinsisted.
“Okay.”AtMika’scapitulation,hersoftening,Pennydidtoo.
“Devonisagoodguy.We’vetalkedalotaboutit.Hehasn’tbeenpressuringmeoranything.”
“Okay,”Mikasaidagain.Sheinhaled,acceptingtheinevitability.Thiswasgoingtohappen.Therewassomethingtimeless
aboutkidsnotlisteningtotheirparents.AndMikafeltverymuchpartofthatinfiniteloop.“Whataboutprotection?Have
youdiscussedthat?”

TwobrightsplotchesappearedonPenny’scheeks.MaybeshewasthinkingaboutMika,howshe’dgottenpregnantsoyoung.How
shedidn’twanttobethesameasherbirthmother—ateenwithlimitedchoices.“Hesaidhe’llwearacondom,andI’vebeen
onbirthcontrolforacoupleyears…badperiods.”

“Soundslikeyou’vegotitcovered,then.”Mikamovedtostandandclearthetable.HiromihadneverspokentoMikaaboutsex.Andwhatshehadlearnedinhighschoolrevolvedaroundsayingno,pregnancy,andSTDs.Nobodytoldherhowfunitcouldbe.Howcomplicatedtoo.
“Wedo.Ipromise,”Pennyassured,stayingseated.“Hey,butyouthinkyoucouldkeepthisquiet?Betweenus?”
Mikapaused,thepaperplateandusedhashiinherhand.“Youmeannottellyourdad?”
Pennywavedahand.“It’snotabigdeal.Look,therearejustsomethingshedoesn’tneedtoknow.”
Mikasatbackdowninherseat.PennywantedMikatolietoThomas.Ican’t.ThethoughtstruckMikalikealightningbolt.“I’mnotsupercomfortablewiththat,Penny.Youdon’thavetohavethevirginity
conversationwithhim,butyouneedtotellhimaboutDevon,thatyou’redatingsomeoneatleast.Imean,Iknowfromexperience
thetruthhasawayofrevealingitself,”shetriedtojoke.

Penny’sfacehardened.ShelookedeverywherebutatMika.“Ishouldprobablybegettingbacktothedorm.”
“What?”Mikaflinched.Pennyhadtheweekendfree.Shewasgoingtospendthenight.
“Yeah,IjustrememberedIpromisedOlivewe’dworkonsomeofourtimestogether.”
“Seriously?”Mikaquirkedabrow.
“Seriously.”Pennystoodandgrabbedhershoppingbag,white-knucklingit.“Ready?”
Theywalkedtothecar,theshadowofPenny’sangertrailingbehindthem.Mikawasatalossforwords.Whatjusthappened?Therideitselfwasworse.SilentandpulsatingwithPenny’sdiscontent.Mikasworesheheardarippingsound,atearinthefabricofherandPenny’srelationship.Howwouldshestitchitbacktogether?Mikaparkedhercaratthedormandturnedtoherdaughter,speakingtoherovertheconsole.“I—”
Toolate.Pennyslammedthedoor.
***
Hourslater,Mikawasnolongerconfused.Abletoreplaytheconversationmultipletimesinherheadinthequietofherhouse,
MikavacillatedbetweenbeingdeeplyhurtbyPennyandangryather.

“She’smadatme?”Mikahuffedouttoherself,feelingunspeakablethingsaboutPenny.Thingslikehowstubbornandpetulant
herdaughtercouldbe.Butthen…“She’smadatme,”shesaidmorequietly.ShethoughtaboutcallingThomas.Conferring
withhimonhowtobestapproachPenny.ButitwasPennyshereallywanted,neededtospeakto.So,justasthesunwasgoingdown,Mikadialedherdaughter.Shedidn’twanttogotobedwiththisunresolved.
Wasn’tthereasayingaboutnevergoingtosleepangry?Anyway,Mikadidn’twanttohide,tocowerunderPenny’schanging
weatherpatterns.

Thephonerangafewtimes,andMikabracedherself,steadiedhernerves.
“Hi,”Pennysaid.Thatwasall.
“Idon’twantyoutobemadatme,”Mikablurted.Shewincedandwaited.Igavebirthtoher.Ishouldbeanaturalatparenting.
“Idon’twanttobemadatyoueither,”Pennyadmitted.
Mikainhaledandstaredoutthelivingroomwindowatthedarkpavementoutside.“Well,nowthatwe’veestablishedthat…”
Shetrailedoff.“Iwantyoutobeabletotellmethings.Iwanttobeasoundingboard,asafeplaceforyou,butI’malso
your—”Shestoppedshortatsayingmother.“I’manadult,anditputsmeinadifficultpositionlyingtoyourdad.”

Afterabeat,Pennysighed.“Igetit,Iguess.”Whereisshe?MikatriedtopicturePennyinthehallofherdorm.Nosescrunched,alittleredfromcrying,maybeDevonwatching.“I’m
goingtotellmydadaboutthecoedhousingandDevon.Notbecauseyoutoldmeto—”

“Ofcoursenot,”Mikainterjected.
“ButbecauseIwanthimtomeetD.”Shesighedagain.“He’sprobablygoingtodothatthingwherehesayshe’snotmad.He’s
justdisappointed.”Mika’slipstippedup.ItsoundedexactlylikeThomas.“Idon’tthinkIamgoingtotellhimaboutthe
sexpart,though,”Pennysaid,asifdrawingalineinthesand.

EventhoughPennycouldn’tseeit,Mikanoddedfirmly.“Yourbody,yourchoice.”
“Wereallydolikeeachother.IknowI’mateenager,andthat’sprobablyallyousee—”
“It’snotallIsee,”Mikasaid.“Ibelieveyou’resmartandsavvyandknowyourownheart.”
“Thanks.Thatmeansalot.”
“Irecognizethisisawkward.”Mikahadtoswallowagainstasuddenthicknessinherthroat.“Promisemeyou’llcometomeifyouneedanything.It’sokaytosayyouwanttoandthenchangeyourmind.Evenifit’sinthemiddleofit,andyouthinkhe’llbeangry.Arealmanwon’tbe.”Mikacurledheremptyhandintoafist.RememberedpressingitagainstPeter’schest.No.Afierceprotectivenessroseinsideofher.

“Disn’tlikethat,”Pennyinsisted.“I’msure.Iwantto.”
“Alright,”Mikasaidsoftly.Pennykeptheronthephonealittlelonger,regalingMikawithtalesofFaceTimingwithHiromi,
howtheyhadawholeconversationwithHiromi’sthumboverthecamera.AndMikafeltlightagain,likeseeingthefirstslice
ofthesunafteragreatandterriblestorm.

***
ThomascalledMondayafternoonjustasMikahadswungherpurseoverhershouldertoheadacrossNike’scampustomeetHayato
forlunch.Theyhadbigplanstoperusephotographsfromthelatestroyalweddingwhileeatingchocolatepie.Bigplans.

Thomasdidn’tgiveMikaachancetoevensayhi.“Pennyhasaboyfriend,”hesaidwithoutpreamble.
“Shetoldyou.”Mikapassedasetofdudesnearlyoneandahalftimesherheightandsmiledatthem,prettysuretheywere
famousbasketballplayers.

“ShewantsmetomeethimnexttimeI’mintown.Haveyoumethim?”
“Notofficially.I’veseenhimafewtimes.”MikastoppedoutsidethedoubleglassdoorsleadingintotheMiaHammBuildingandwavedtoHayato,whowasalreadywaitingforher.Sheheldupafingeraskingforoneminute.HemouthedNoproblemandmessedaroundonhisphone.

“Doesheappeartohaveanydevianttendencies?”Thomasaskedinaflatvoice.
SometimesThomassoundedasifhewerestuckinablack-and-whitemovie.Heprobablywouldn’tlikeitifMikacalledhim”old-timey.”
Shescrunchedhernose.“Youmeanwashecarryingaswitchbladeandlookingfortrouble?”

Thomasdraggedinabreath.“IwishIcouldlaughrightnow.”
“I’msorry.”Mikafoldedinherarms.Therewasagiantwaterfeaturenearby,completewithasprayingfountain.Ducksswam
andbobbedonthechoppysurface.“I’mgladshetoldyou,though.Wewereeatingtakoyaki—”

“Takoyaki?”
“Friedoctopusballs.”
“Huh?”ShepicturedThomas’sglower,theexpressiononhisfacewhenhewasconfusedandslightlyangryaboutit
“Notactualoctopusballs,liketheirtesticles…”Mikaheldthereceiverawayfromherfaceandstaredattheskyfor
amoment.Shewasdriftingtoofaroffcourse.“Nevermind.Wewereeating,andPennywastellingmeaboutDevonandhowthey
weregettingmoreserious.WhenIlearnedthat,Iencouragedhertotellyouabouthim.”

Silencethen.“So,”hedrawledout.“You’veknownawhilePennywasseeingsomeone?”Thomasasked.
Mikaletoutthefaintestsigh.“Onlyacoupleofweeks.Sheaskedmetokeepitasecret.I’msorry.ShegotsomadatmewhenIsaidsheshouldtellyou.”MikarememberedPenny’sanger.Howshe’dwornitlikeabeat-uppairofleatherboots.Usedittostompalloverher.“Iwasn’tcomfortablewithyounotknowinganymore.”Moresilence.“Don’tbeangry,”Mikafinished.
“I’mnot,”Thomassaidafteramoment.“I’mgladshe’stalkingtosomeoneIcantrust.”
Mikafeltitthen—thesensationofplacingaheavyweightdownaftercarryingitforaverylongtime.Shemumbledathank-you.
Longafterthey’dhungup,throughlunchwithHayatoandtherestofherday,Mika’sheadrangwiththosefourpreciouswords:
someoneIcantrust.ChapterTwenty-Four
Threedayslater,ThomastextedMika.I’mthinkingofgrowingamustache.
Mikasatinaglass-walledmeetingroom,papersfannedaroundher.Guslikedherworkonthecollaborationmodelsomuchhe’d
askedhertohelponanother.Iknowyoucanhandleit,he’dsaid,voicebrimmingwithconfidence.

Pleasedon’t.Mikathoughtanimmediateresponsenecessary.

You’reright,hesaidtwohourslater.Ishoulddefinitelygetanearpiercing
Pennywouldhatethat,Mikasaidassheleftwork.

Towhichhesaid:Allthemorereasonto,then.
Ifyou’regoingtodoit,bettertoreallycommitandgetbothearspierced,don’tyouthink?Mikaansweredwhenshegothome.Shepoppedamealinthemicrowaveandsatdowntoeat,phoneonthetableinfrontofher,
awaitingThomas’sreply.

It’saboldstatement,hesaidjustasshetookherfirstbite.

Shechewedthoughtfullyandanswered,Youcouldpullitoff.
Eightdayslater,onThursday,MikawasjustshuttingdownhercomputerwhenThomastextedagain.TheboyfriendistakingPennyonanall-daydateSaturday.Hikingatsomewaterfall.IaskedherifIcouldtagalong.Evenofferedtopay.
MikawavedtoGusthroughtheglasswallsofhisoffice.“Haveagoodweekend,”hecalled,pokinghisheadout.Shewished
himthesame.Ihopeyouwerejoking,sheresponded.

Halfjoking,heshotbackalmostimmediately.

Sonotcomingthisweekend?Nochurch?Mikaasked,sittinginhercarwiththewindowsrolleddown.Itwasstillbrightout.Andblisteringhot.Shewaitedfor
himtoreply.They’dactuallymadeplansfortheweekendtogether.OnSunday,Penny,Thomas,andMikaweresupposedtoattend
serviceswithHiromiandShige.

Stillcoming.Stillgoingtochurch.ButI’mgoingtokeepmyflightarrivingtonight,toolatetoswitch.
Mikachewedherthumb,thinking.SaturdayshehadplanstogotoawinerywithCharlie,Tuan,Hayato,andhisnewboyfriend,
Seth.Hey,Ihaveanidea,shetyped.

Iloveideas,saidThomas.

SincePennywillbebusyonSaturday,whydon’tyoucomeoutwithmyfriendsandme?We’regoingtoawineryintheafternoon,
thenmaybesomebarsafter,whichwillmostlyentailalotofdudeswithironicfacialhair.

Mika’stoescurledinhershoes,theactionofsomeoneabouttoskateonthinice.Thiswasdifferentthanlast-minutekayaking.
ThiswasinvitingThomasouttomeetherfriends,tobeapartofherlife.Yetsomehow…italsofeltnatural,right.
Herchestsqueezed,waitingforThomastorespond.

I’vealwayslongedtoimmersemyselfinironicfacialhairculture,hesaid.

Mikasmiledwarmly.Nowisyourchance.Seizetheday.Youin?
Herespondedinstantly.I’min.
***
WhatshouldIwear?ThomaswroteSaturdaymorning.Suitandtie?
Mikagrinned.EachtimeThomastexted,shegotalittleexcitedbutpretendedshedidn’t.Thoseweren’tbutterfliesfluttering
inherstomach.Notatall.Didyouhappentobringatux?
Seriously?heasked.

No,shereplied,althoughshewouldn’tmindseeingThomasinatux.ThomasinjeansandaT-shirtwasjustfinetoo.Alltoo
well,sherememberedwatchinghimwalkfromHana’sroomthemorningafterhe’dstayedover,thatlittlesliceofstomachas
hepulledhisshirton.Imean,ifyouworeaberet,Iwouldn’thateit.
I’mwearingjeans,Thomassaid.

Maybeajauntyscarfaroundyourneck?Mikaaskedwithasmile,abiteofherlip.

I’llseeyouatone,Thomasanswered.

MikapickedThomasupathishotelanddrovethemtoCharlie’s.“I’msorryPennydidn’twanttohangoutwithyou,”shesaid.
Theypassedabank,aguyonaunicycle.

Thomasstretchedhislegs.“Ishouldn’tfeelbad.Thisishowit’ssupposedtobe,Iguess.Yougoalongguidingyourkid
inonedirection,thenfindouttheywanttogooffontheirown,jumpship.Youhopeyou’vegiventhemenoughwisdomtobe
okay.”

Mikafrowned.“Soundslikeyoubasicallytrainsomethingyoulovetoeventuallyleaveyou.”
Thomas’seyesboredintoMika’sforafewheavybeats.Shefelttheheatofhisstareonthesideofherface.“Exactly.”
“I’mnotsureIlikethat.”Sheshifted,focusedontheroad.Outofthecornerofhereye,shesawThomassmilecrookedly.
Whenshepulledup,thegrape-coloredtourvanwasalreadywaiting,alongwithCharlieatthecurb.CharliewavedatMika
behindthewheel;hersmilegrewwiderseeingThomasinthepassengerseat.AssoonasMikawasoutofthecar,Charlietrotted
overtoher.

“Mika,”shesaidinavoicethatwasatouchhigherandgiddierthanusual.“Thisisasurprise.Ididn’tknowyouwerebringing
anyone.Hi,I’mCharlie.”Shestuckoutahand.

Thomasshookherhand.“Thomas,”hesaid.
“Ah,Penny’sdad.Lovelytomeetyou,”Charliesaid,hersmileblinding.
“Ifigureditwouldn’tbeaproblemsincewepaidforeight.”That’showmanythevanseatedandthegroupminimum.Thefriends
haddividedthepaymentequallyamongeachother.

“Oh,it’snoproblem,”Charliesaid.“Noproblematall.Themore,themerrier,Ialwayssay.”ShestaredatThomasexpectantly.
Thomasshiftedonhisfeetandlookedaway.
“Shouldwegetgoingthen?”Mikainterjected.
“Um,ohyeah,”Charliesaid,springingtolife.“Let’sgo.Everyoneisalreadyonboard.Notthatyou’relateoranything.
Besides,Ialwayssaybetterlatethannever…”Shetrailedoff.“Goahead.Afteryou.”

Theystartedtowardthevan,Thomasinfrontofthem.Mikapaused,herfootonthestepleadingup.Whatiswrongwithyou,shemouthedtoherderangedfriend.

Charlie’smouthsplitintoanotherbroadsmile.Ohmygod,shemouthedback.Theyboarded,andCharlieannounced,“Look,everyone,Mikabroughtafriend.”AndMikawasthankfulfor
thedarkinterior,thatitmighthideherembarrassedblush.Sheshouldn’thaveinvitedThomas.Whathadshebeenthinking?
She’dactedonimpulse,somethingshehadn’tdoneinalongtime,sincebeforePenny,beforePeter.

Mikafloppeddownintoablackcushionedseat,andThomassettledinnexttoher.“Sorry,”Mikasaid.“Charlieisbeingweird.
Maybeshestarteddrinkingearly.”

“It’sfine,”Thomassaid,kindofstiff.
Well,theywereofftoatorturousstart.Hayatoclearedhisthroat.Introductionswentaroundfromthere.TuantoThomas.
ThomastoHayato.AndSeth,Hayato’snewhandsomeblondboyfriend,toeveryone.“Nicetomeetyou,man,”Sethsaid,shaking
Thomas’shand.

“Youtoo,”Thomassaid.
Theypulledapart.SethsatbackdownnexttoHayato.Thevanwasmovingandeveryonejustkindofsatthere,staringatThomas.
“Hey,Ithinkyou’vegotsomething,”SethspokeintothesilencetoThomas,“inyourcollarthere.”Heflickedthebackof
hisownshirt.

Thomasfrownedandfeltalongthenapeofhisneck,comingbackwithatagbetweenhisfingers.“Right.Newshirt,”headmitted
flatly.“Iboughtitthismorningatashopnearthehotel.Apparentlyuntuckedisthelookthesedays…”Hedrummedhis
fingersonhisknees.

“Ilikeit,”Charlieinterjected.“Tuanshouldgetthenamefromyou.”
Tuanleanedinandaskedaboutthestore,whathotelhewasstayingat,ifThomaslikedthearea.MikaheavedanunsteadybreathandturnedtoHayatoandSeth.Easyconversationtookhold,andsixtyminuteslater,thevanwoundupahill,followingtheroutelikealazycat’stail.
Thevanslowedandstoppedwithahiss.Theyshuffledoffandoutsideintothebrightlateafternoonsun,whereasommelier
greetedthem.Sheworeafleecevestwiththewinery’snameembroideredonitandescortedthemtoanoverlook,beyondwhich
thevalleystretched,rowsandrowsofverdantgrapevines.AgentlebreezetwistedthroughMika’shair.Thesommelierannounced
thatthelunchandtastingwouldbeginsoonandinvitedthemtoplayoneofthegamesonthelawn—croquet,horseshoes,even
agiantJengatower.

“Checkitout.”SethsqueezedHayato’shand.“Cornhole.Anyonewanttoplay?”Sethglancedaroundthegroup,obviouslysearching
forapartner.

Thomasstuckuphishand.“It’sbeenawhile,butIusedtoplayallthetimeincollege.”
SethkissedHayatoandHayatopattedhisbum.“Goodluck,babe.”
Mikagaveahalf-salutetoThomas.“Havefun.”
Theywereoff,settinguptheboardsandbeanbags.Itdidn’ttakelongforCharlie,Tuan,andHayatotocloseinaroundMika.
“Whoa.”Mikasteppedback.“Personalspacemuch?”

Charliesmiledbenignly.“Heboughtanewshirt,”shestated.
Mikashrugged.“Yeah,so?”Thesommeliersetupthewines,glasses,andplatesattheirtableafewfeetaway.“Hey,Tuan,
don’tyouwanttotakeCharlieforawalkinthevineyardbeforethetastingstarts?Itlookssuperromantic.”

“No.”Tuan’ssmilewasanticipatory.“Iamhereforthis.”
“Let’stalkaboutSethinstead,”Mikasaid.
“Seth’sgreat.Iamintohim.Iamprettysurehe’sintome,”Hayatosaid,thenadded,“YouknowwhatIbuynewshirtsfor?”
Thomas’slaughtrippedoveronthewind;itwrappedaroundMika,threatenedtocarryheraway.Shedugherfeetintotheground.
“Youbuynewshirtsallthetime,”Mikasaidpointedly.Itwastrue.Theyspenttheirlunchesgoingthroughwebsites,riffling
throughmen’sandwomen’swear,decidingwhatcolorssuitedtheirJapanesecomplexionsbest—neveryellow
“Fordates,”Hayatoclarified.“Ibuynewshirtsfordates.”
“That’snotwhatthisis.”Mika’sdenialwasquick.Tooquick.“He’sPenny’sdad.”
Charlietiltedherhead.“So?”
“So?”Mikaparrotedback.“It’salineI’mnotwillingtocross.Besides,I’mnotevensureifhewantstocrossit…”
“Oh.Hedoes,”Hayatosaidall-knowingly.“Newshirt.Anduntuckedtoo.Menwearuntuckedshirtstodrawattentiontotheir…”
Heglanceddownauthoritatively.

Mikaroseuponhertiptoes.“Ithinkourtableisready.”Inanotherlife,shemighthavedreamedofsomeonelikeThomas.
AfamilywithPennyinit.ButthiswastheuniversetemptingMikaagain,atidalwavewaitingtodrownher.Shewouldn’t
diphertoesinthewaterasecondtime.

MikaleftandsatatthetablealoneuntilCharliejoinedher.TheywatchedThomasandSethforaminute.Mikafocusedon
Thomas,howhe’drolleduphisshirtsleeves,theflexofhiswristashethrew.

“It’salittlescary,isn’tit?”Charlieasked.
“Again,Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”Sometimesitwasevenscariertoadmityouwereafraid.Butthetruthwas…
thetruthwasMikawasafraid.EversincePeter,she’dbeensubsumedbyfutility,tooscaredtopaint,totravel,tolove,tolaugh,totakerisks.She’dfoldeduplikeapieceoforigami.Makingherselfsmallerandsmaller,apieceofpaperslippingthroughthecracksoflife.
“It’sokaytowantthings,youknow?”Charliesaidquietly.“Andit’sokayifitgetsmessy.Thingshaveawayofworking
themselvesout.”

Spokenlikeatrueoptimist,Mikathought.“Butwhatiftheydon’t?”

Charliearchedabrow,didn’tbackdown.“Butwhatiftheydo?”
Touché.Thetwofellquiet.MikawatchedThomasagain.ShethoughtofPenny,ofthatdayintheartmuseum,ofpeeringatthatpainting
depictingIcarus’sfall.Sheletherselfcontemplatefalling.Coulditbeworthit?

***
“We’llbefeaturingapinotandpietastingtoday.”Thesommelierheldupabottleandpouredsplashesofrubygoldintoeach
glass.“Youmaynoticethefreshfruitaromas.”Sheswishedthewineandsmelledtodemonstrate.“Raspberryandstrawberry
areaccentedbyherbsandsavoryspicesonthenose.”

“Cheers!”Charlieheldupherglass.Thesixsippedandspat.“Oh,Ialmostforgot,”Charlieannounced.“Ibroughtpartyfavors.”Shedashedfromthetableandreturnedwithabag.Shedippedintoitandproducedastackofblackfelthats.
“Youweren’tjokingabouttheberets,”Thomaswhispered.Mikasnickered.He’dkepthissleevesrolledup,andtherewasthe
slightestglintingofsweatalonghishairlinefromplayingcornholewithSeth.

Charliehalfrosefromherseatandhandedouttheberets.Shelovedpartyfavors,costumes,themedfoods—anythingalittle
extra.ShepassedonetoMikawithasmile.

“You’lllookgreatinthis.”Charliesmiled,givingThomasaberet.
“DoIhavetowearit?”Thomasasked,rotatingtheberetaroundhisfinger
“No,”Mikasaid,andatthesametime,Charliesaid,“Yes.”
“WheninRome.”Thomasfittedtheberetonhishead,andMikahadtoadmit,itlookedprettydashingonhim.Charliesatback
downnexttoTuanwithasmile.

“Ialsobroughtagame,”Charliesaidhappily,takingastackofindexcardsfromthebag.Groanscircledaround.“Shutit.
We’regoingtobondmeaningfully.Startingwith…”Sheturnedoverthefirstindexcardandreadfromit.“‘Yourhouse,
containingeverythingyouown,catchesfire.Aftersavingyourlovedonesandpets,youhavetimetosafelymakeafinaldash
tosaveanyoneitem.Whatwoulditbe?Why?’”

Theypausedasthesommelierintroducedanotherpinot,somethingenergeticwithdarkfruitandwoodsyspicenotes.Tuantook
asipofthedrywineandswallowed.“I’llgofirst,”heoffered.“Justonething?”heasked.

“Justonethingandwhy,”Charlieconfirmed.
“DefinitelymyBumblebeeTransformer.I’vehaditsinceIwastwelve,andIwanttogiveittomykidssomeday,”Tuansaid.
Charliesmiled,andHayatoofferedtogonext.“IguessI’drescuemymangacollection,”hesaid.
“I’mwithyoutwo,”Sethsaid.“Childhoodmemorabiliaalltheway.I’dtakemybaseballcards.”
Thomas’sturn.Hestretchedouthislegs,kneecollidingwithMika’s.Herstomachflipped.“Well,mostofmyimportantdocuments—insurance
papers,passports,birthcertificates,thatsortofthing—areactuallyinafireproofbox,”Thomassaidsheepishly.Thegroup
gavehimacollectivethumbs-down.“Okay.Okay.”Thomashelduphishands.“I’dtakemywife’sashes.Forobviousreasons.”

Mikafeltasifshe’dbeendousedincoldwater.Shedidn’tblameThomasforwantingtosavehiswife’sashes.Butshecouldn’t
helpbutfeelCaroline’spresencelurking.Caroline,theidealwife,theidealmother,theidealwoman.AllthethingsMika
couldnot,wouldneverbe.

“Whataboutyou,Mika?”Charlieasked.
Mikastaredoutintothevalley.ShethoughtofthepackagesfromCaroline.ThelettersandphotographsofPennystuffedin
herdresserdrawer.Everythingelseshemightlivewithout—clothes,makeup,etc.“Pictures.”Shepaused,stomachbottoming
out.“OfPenny.Whichremindsme,Ishouldprobablymakedigitalcopies.Hanaisboundtoburnourhousedownsomeday.”

ThomassmiledatMika,andshefeltthewarmthofitradiatethroughherskin.
“I’dalsotakemyguitar,”Tuanadded.“Whileourhouseburns,Iwouldserenadeyou.”
Charlieseemedextraordinarilypleasedbythis.
Mikapretendedtopukeinherlap.“Ifyousayyouwatchhersleep,Iamgoingtothrowmyselffromthisoverlook.”
“That’sjusthyperboleandverybad,”CharliesaidtoMikawithafrown.Shesighed.Theywaitedasthesommelierpouredglasses
oftheirfinaltasting—anotherpinotcharacterizedbyitseleganceandsoftfinish.

“Alright.Nextquestion.”Charliepickedupanindexcardandreadit.“‘Forwhatinyourlifedoyoufeelmostgrateful?’”
“Goodfriends,”Hayatosaid.
“Newfriends,”Sethsaid.Thetwokissed.
“Charlie,obviously,”Tuansaid.
“Oh,we’redefinitelyplayingslowjamstonight,”Charliesaid,kissingTuanrightonthelips.“Whataboutyou?”Charlie
turnedtowardThomasandMika.

“That’seasy,”Thomassaid.Hislipshadtheslighteststainofpurple.“Mydaughter,Penny.”
Mikastretchedoutherlegs,hergazeconnectedwithThomas’s.“Same,”shesaid.Theysmiledateachother.Conspirators.
TheirloveforPennytuckedbetweenthem.
ChapterTwenty-Five
CharlieandTuanweretipsyandslow-dancedattheAllison,acutehotelnearthevineyardwherethey’ddecidedtohavedinner.
Afewyardsaway,HayatoandSethchattedupthebartender.

“Hey.”ThomasslidintotheboothbesideMika.
“Hey,”Mikasaidback.“Wherehaveyoubeen?”
Thomassmiled.Hiseyeswereslightlyglazed,courtesyofthethreewineriesthey’dvisited.“Ididsomething.”Heshifted
andpulledastackofindexcardsfromhisbackpocketandplacedthemonthetable.

“Youdidn’t!”Mikasaid,eyeswide,thendartingtoCharlie.HerfacewasfirmlyplantedinTuan’schest.“Youstolethem,”
sheaccused,mouthajar.“I’dneverhaveexpectedsuchdeviantbehaviorfromyou.”

“Totallyunpremeditated.Perfectlydefensibleincourt.”Thomas’ssmilespread.“Anyway,Iwasgoingtothebathroomandsaw
thevanparkedoutside.Thedoorwasjustopen.Imean,ifCharliedidn’twanthercardsstolen,sheshouldhaveguardedthem
better.”

“True,”Mikaagreedsagely.Sheputafingertothetopcardandsliditoffthepile.Sheflippeditover.“‘Takefourminutesandtellyourpartneryourlifestoryinasmuchdetailaspossible,’”shereadaloud.Thomassmiledlazily,andshefeltitallthewaytohertoes.Mikasetherphoneonthetable.Shescrolledthroughandfoundthetimerapp,settingitforfourminutes.“Youfirst,”shetoldThomas.
Thomasstretchedoutinthebooth,makinghimselfcomfortable.Hescratchedhisjaw.“IwasborninDayton,Ohio.Myparents
weremarriedfortwenty-threeyears,andIhaveanolderbrother.”Heleanedforward,andbeneaththetable,histhighpressed
againstMika’s.Neithermovedaway.“Ihadaprettynormalchildhood,Ithink.Footballgamesinthewinter.Baseballgames
inthespring.Mydadlovedsportsandhavingsonstotakethemto.IthinkhewasdisappointedwhenIgotintorowingin
college.HehadaheartattackanddiedwhenIwasnineteen.”

“I’msorry,”Mikasaid.Thereweretwominutes,twentysecondsleftontheclock.
“Thankyou,”Thomassaid.“Anyway,ImetCarolineshortlyafterthat.Wehookedupataparty,andIcriedafter.Ithoughtshe’dneverwanttoseemeagainbut…shewassofuckingniceaboutit.AnditfeltsogoodtoknowIwasn’talone.”Mika’sstomachtwisted,seeingthepainonThomas’sface.“Wegotmarriedsoonafterwegraduatedanddidtherestofschoolingtogether.ShehelpedmestudyfortheLSAT.Ihelpedherstudyforhernursingcertificate.Wealsostartedtryingtohaveafamily.MyparentshadmewhenIwasyoung,anditwasthesameforCaroline.Carolinehaditallplannedout.Getpregnantearly,haveafewkids,thenretiresoonaftertheywenttocollege.Weweregoingtotraveltogether.”Thomaswasn’tlookingatMika.Herubbedhisforehead.“Weblameditonstressatfirst,notgettingpregnant.School,exams,allthat.Ayearwentby,andanother.Caroline’sdoctorrecommendedaspecialist.Afewtestslaterandtheresultswereinconclusive.IstillrememberCaroline’sface,herfrustration,herheartbreak.Shefeltbetrayedbyherbody.‘It’smybiologicalright,’she’dsaid.Iwasmorerelaxedaboutit.Takingonthemantleof‘Ifwe’remeanttobeparents,wewillbe.’ButCarolinehadagoal.Shewantedababy.Shewantedtobeamother.Afteralotofdiscussions,wedecidedtolookintoadoption.Therewereacoupleoffalsehopes.AwomaninNewYorkwhowaspregnantbutdecidedtokeepthebaby.AteeninFloridawhohadsurrenderedhersix-month-oldbutwantedhiminfostercarewiththehopesofreunitingand—”
Thetimerwentoff.“Keepgoing,”Mikasaid,wantingtohearmore.WonderingaboutCaroline’sinfertility.Betrayed,thatwasthewordThomassaidCarolineused.Mikahadfeltthesameaboutherbody.HowithadacceptedPeter’sbabywhen
Mikahadsaid,No,Idon’twantthis.AndthentherewasCaroline,whohadsaidyes,butherswouldn’tcomply.Shefeltasiftheyhadsomethingincommonnow,
bothviewingtheirbodiesashostilelandscapes.Caroline’sfrominfertility.Mika’sfromrape.

Thomasshookhishead.“No.Yourturnnow.”Hepattedhischest.“Rulefollower,remember?Tellmeaboutyou.Iwanttoknow
aboutbabyMika.”Hesetthetimerforfourminutesandstartedit.

“Well…”Mikatookasipofwine.“IwasbornrightoutsideofOsaka.”
“Wait.”Thomaspausedtheclock.
“Hey.Nofair.”Mikafrowned.
“Youweren’tbornintheStates?”
“No.WemovedherewhenIwasinkindergarten.”Mikahadbeenasthinasatwig,assmallasaleafwhenthey’dleftJapan.Shestartedthetimeragain.“Mydadworkedforatechcompany.ItwentundersoonaftertheeconomicbubbleburstinJapan.”Shigebecameacasualtyoftheemploymenticeage.“HewasluckyanothercompanyofferedhimapositionintheStates.”Mikahadanothermemory.Shewasintheircar,onthehighway,ontheirwaytotheairport.Semitruckswhizzedby,andtheypassedavineyard.Grapevineshungheavywithgrapesthesizeofgolfballs,whitepaperbagscoveringthemtoprotectfrombirdsandweather.
“Webroughtourownfoodontheplane.”Hiromiwouldn’teatanyofthenutsorchocolatebiscuits,eventhoughtheywerefree.
SheeyedanythingAmericanwithasenseofdistrust.Mikahadwatchedthroughthewindowastheylanded.Thebrownwaterof
theColumbiaRiverastheplanedescended,thecurrentflowingwest.Shewenton.“Mymomwasn’texcitedaboutmovingtothe
States,butIwas.Anewplace,anewworlditseemedlike.”ThatwaswhereMika’sandHiromi’spathshaddiverged.Mikahad
gonerunningheadfirst.Hiromicouldn’tevenbringherselftotakeafewtimidsteps.“Werentedanapartmentthefirstcouple
ofmonths.Mymomdidn’tleaveit.She’dgivemeafewdollarsandsendmetothestore.Apoliceofficerstoppedmeonce
andbroughtmehome.”Mikapaused,eyeingthetimer.Lessthanoneminuteleft.

“Whathappened?”
Mikascrewedupherface.“Hecalledsocialservices.Itwasawholething.Theycouldn’tfindatranslator,buttheydid
getaholdofmydadatwork.Hewasabletodefusethesituation.Whentheyleft,mymotherstilldidn’tunderstand.‘InTokyo,
kidsridethesubwayalone,’shesaid‘She’smydaughter.WhoaretheytosaywhatIcandowithmyowndaughter?’”Mikawatchedthetimedwindle.Three.Two.One
second.Theclockbeeped.“Time’sup,”MikasaidbeforeThomascouldargue.Shegrabbedanothercardfromthepile.“‘What
doyoufearmostinlife?’”

Thomasthoughtaboutitforamoment.“That’satoughone.IguessIfeardyingyoung,likemyfatherandCaroline,leavingbehindsomuchunfinishedbusiness.Maybethat’swheremyneedtocontroleverythingcomesfrom.”HeglancedatMika.“You?”
Petercametohermindfirst,butshedismissedthethought.Shedidn’tfearhim.Shefearedtheviolence.Shefeareditmight
happentoheragain.Buttherewasabigger,moreimmediateloomingthreat.“IguessIfearmymother.”SometimeduringMika’s
conversationwithThomas,refilledwineglasseshadappearedontheirtable.Shedrank.

Thomasleanedforward.Nowtheirkneesandelbowsweretouching.“I’mgoingtoneedyoutoelaborate.”
Mikainhaled,theknotofresentmenttowardhermothertightening.“MaybeIfearbeinglikeher.”Wasn’tthereasayingabout
sonscommittingthesinsoftheirfathers?Morelikedaughtersandmothers.“OrIjustfearheringeneral—herdisapproval,
it’slikeacurse.WhenIwasgrowingup,nothingeverfeltgoodenoughforher.Thehousewelivedin.Myfather’sjob.Me.
Idon’tknow.SheshouldhavestayedinJapan,Iguess.”HiromiwantedtoliveinJapan.ForherdaughtertobeJapanese.
ButMikawasJapaneseAmerican,anditwastheAmericanparthermotherhatedmost.

Thomastiltedhishead.“Maybeshedidn’tknowhowtohandleit,movingtoanothercountry.”
“Sheabsolutelydidnot.”ItwasallMikacouldthinktosay,butthensheaddedquietly,“I’mprettysuremymotherhates
me.”You’llwasteyourlife,HiromihadsaidaboutMikapainting.Butreally,Hiromihadmeant,You’vewastedmine
“Maybeshedoesn’tknowhowtoloveyou,”saidThomas.
“Isthereadifference?”
“Ithinkso.”Apause.“Parentsmakemistakes,”headded.
“Thisisn’tthesameasthrowingPennyaperiodparty.”Mikashookherhead,frustrated.Shethoughtofherrelationshipwith
hermother.Punctuatedbysilence.Whenshe’dbeencaughtshoplifting.Whenshe’dcometohermotherinherbrokenneed.I’mpregnant.
“Iknowit’snotthesame.AllI’msayingis,yougoinfullofearnestconvictionandhopeforthebestandplantopayfor
theirtherapylaterinlifewhenyou’vefuckeditallup.”Hepaused.“Thatwasajoke.”

“Ha.”Mikathoughtaboutwhatparentspasseddowntotheirchildren.Peter,theattackwasinherDNAnow,Suzannehadexplained.
It’scodedinyouIthasrewiredyourcentralnervoussystem.WhathappenedtoMikawasembedded.WhathadHiromipasseddowntoMika,then?WhatcrosseshadHiromibroughttobearupon
herdaughter?SameasMika,Hiromihadherowndreams—raisingherfamilyinJapan,alifethathadbeenpromised,thenripped
awaybycircumstancesoutofhercontrol.Maybeherikigaiwasn’tbeingahousewife.Hiromihadbeenamaiko.She’dlived
inahousesheloved,shehadabefore.Herownghostlife.“Thisisaverysoberingreality,”Mikasaid.

Thomas’skneepressedintohers.Sheraisedhereyestohis.Thenunderthetable,shefelthimgrazeherhand.Automatically,
sheopenedherfingers,andThomasslidhisbetweenhers.Theysatforamomentholdinghands,hangingontoeachother.Charlie’s
wordscamebacktoher.It’sokaytowant…It’sokayifitgetsmessy…Thingshaveawayofworkingthemselvesout.
Afteramoment,Thomashelduphiswineglasswithhisfreehand.“Tothetiesthatbind.”
Mikaclinkedherglasstohis.“Tothetiesthatbind.”
***
ThehappyglowstayedwithMikainthevan.ShesatnexttoThomasintheback.Andsomehow,herheadfounditswaytohis
shoulder.Outsidethewindow,thestarsblurredtogetherlikeinaVanGoghpainting.ShelistenedtoTuanandCharliekissing.
HayatomurmuringtoSeth.Tothesoundsoftrafficandtherattleofthewindowsdisturbedbytherushingair.

AtCharlie’shouse,HayatoandSethloadedintoanUber.ThomasaskedifMikawantedtoshareone.“Sure,”sheagreed.Actually,
itdidn’tmakeanysense.Mikalivedonthissideoftheriver.Thomas’shotelwasdowntownontheotherside,thesameboutique
hotelhealwaysstayedat.Butshewantedtolingerinhiscompanyalittlelonger.AndifThomasknewthatitwasoutof
Mika’sway,hedidn’tshowit.

TheysatinthebackseatofanSUVonthewaytoThomas’shotel.ShewatchedthecitylightsplayonThomas’sfaceashe
confirmedwiththedriverwheretheyweregoing.Musicplayed,aheadybeatwithlotsofbass.Thecarcareenedoveraspeed
bump,andMikajerked.Thomasreachedout.Hishandcuppedherknee.Heturned
“Fine,”shesaid,mouthdry,completelyboneless.
Hishandstayedput,andastheyglidedoverabridge,itinchedeversoslightlyup.Again,hepeeredather.“Okay?”
“Okay,”shewhisperedback,andhiseyesglittered,emeraldsinthenight.Warmthpooledinherbelly.
Heheldthedooropenwhentheyreachedthehotel.“Wanttocomeupforanightcap?”heasked.
Onemoredrinkwouldn’thurt.Again,sheagreed,andshefeltaripple,arushofair,therestofherdefensesfalling.Icarus
takingflight.

Asifunderaspell,shefollowedhimthroughthedimlobbyandintoanelevator.Thelightingwasbrighterinthesix-by-six-foot
space.Itsoberedherupalittle.Anoldercouplerodewiththem.Thomasstaredstraightahead,andMikalethereyeswander
downhisbody,stoppingatthehemofhisuntuckedshirt.Adrenalineandanticipationpumpedthroughherveins.Thecouple
deboarded,andtheairsuddenlyfeltheavy,ladenwithmagic.Musicspiraledfromthespeakers.AclassicalpieceMikarecognized
butcouldn’tname.

Uptheywent.
Floorfive.
Six.
Seven.
“Mika,”Thomassaid,eyesshiningandnotwithdrink.Thenhishandsweregrippingherhips.Shetippedherchinup.They
metinthemiddle,mouthsopenandwanting.Fivetensehoursoflustandwantpouringoutofthemandintoeachother.He
crashedintoher,andMikawelcomedhim,wrappedalegaroundhiswaist,ashepressedheragainstthebackofthevelvet
paneledwall.Herhandsfistedinhishair.Ding.Twenty-firstfloor,anautomatedvoiceannounced.Somehow,theystayedfusedtogether.Stumblingdownthehall,handinhand.Itwasalongcorridor.Toolong.ThomasgaveuponwalkingandsoughtMikaoutagain.Herbackwasagainstthewall,hotelroomdoorsflankingthemasThomastookcompletepossessionofhermouth.
Hebrokethekiss,takingabreath,andmurmuredintoherneck,“IfeellikeI’mattackingyou.”
“Issokay,”Mikamoaned.Anditwas.God,shewantedhim.Shewasonfire.
Henickedherearwithhisteeth,tightenedhisgrip.Mikamoanedagainashesuckedonherneck.Shetiltedherheadtogive
himbetteraccess.She’dlikemoreofthat.Yes,please,andthankyousomuch.Throughslittedeyelids,sheglimpsedone
ofthehotelroomdoors.RememberedPennyopeningitinherbathrobe,handoutstretchedforaboxoftampons.Realitydawned,
quickandunforgiving.ThomaswasPenny’sdad.ShesnakedherhandsuptoThomas’schest,grippedhisuntuckedshirt.“Wait.
Stop.”

Hermindspunindizzyingcirclesashesteppedaway.“Right.Sorry,”hesaid.
“No,don’tapologize,”shesaidquickly.Therewastwofeetofspacebetweenthem,butitwasbiggerthanthat,GrandCanyon
wide.“Ijustthinkweshouldtalk.”

Heranahandthroughhishair.“Yeah.You’reprobablyright.Let’sgetadrink.”
Mikanodded.“Inthelobby.Adrinkdownstairsatthebar,”shequalified.ThomasplusMikaplusbeddidn’tequalagreat
idearightnow.

HestudiedMikawithatensebrow.“Downstairsitis.”
***
Inthebar,MikatookthechairoppositeThomas,asfarawayasshecouldgetwithoutsittingatanothertable.Heremembered
herorderfromlasttime,alocalredwine,andplaceditagainwiththewaiter.Soonenough,theyhadtheirdrinks.They
staredateachotherforonewholelongminute.Thomas’shandflexedaroundhisglass.Mikasqueezedherthighstogether,
thinkingofthatsamehandonherthigh,herhip,whatitmightfeellikecreepingunderhershirt.

“Thomas,”Mikasaidseriously.
“Mika,”Thomasparrotedback,voicestillthickwithdesire.
“Wekissed.”Shesatupalittlestraighter.
“Wedid.”WhenhadThomasbecomesoagreeable?
“Ilikedit.”
“Metoo.”Hesippedhisscotch,eyesonMika.“I’dliketokissyoumore.”
Sheranhertongueovertheedgesofherteeth.“Ifeelthesame.”Thomassmiledslyly.“ButwhataboutPenny?”There,she’d
saidit.She’dpokedtheelephantintheroom.

Hesighed.Thelustblinkedoutofhiseyes.“WhataboutPenny?”hemurmuredtohimself.
Mikafingeredthebaseofherwineglass,uneasemakingherstomachsensitive.“I’mworkinghardatmyrelationshipwithher.
Idon’twanttoloseher.Butyouandme…”Mikaletitshowintheraspofhervoice,herthirstforhim.

“Ifeelittoo,”saidThomas.“Thereisobviouslysomethingbetweenus.”SomeofthetensiondroppedfromMika’sshoulders.
Itwasn’tallinherheadthen.Itwasmutual.Thomaslikedher.

Hereachedacrossthetableandgraspedherhand,turningittocaresstheinsideofherpalmwithhisthumb.“IfyouwanttotellPenny,wecan.ButIthinkweshouldkeepitbetweenusfornow.Clearly,we’reattractedtoeachother,andwehaveagoodtimetogether.”Helickedhislips.“Let’sexplorethisonourown.Seeifit’ssomethingreal,thenifitis—”
“We’lltellher,”Mikacuthimoff
“We’lltellher,”heagreedsolemnly.
MikagaveThomasaslownod.“Alright.”
Hesmiledather.Shesmiledback.Fuzzycontentmentballoonedaroundthem.Theyfinishedtheirdrinks,thenThomaskissed
herlongandsweetoutsidethehotel.Heheldthedooropenassheclimbedintoataxi.“I’llseeyoutomorrow,”hesaid,
leaningdown.

“Tomorrow?”sheasked,heavy-liddedandtired.
“Church?WithPennyandyourparents?”Thomasremindedher.
Mika’seyesflaredopen.“Right,”saidMika.Thomaskissedheragainandclosedhertaxidoor.Mikatouchedherlipsasthe
carpulledaway,asingleheadythoughtrollingaroundinhermind—perhaps,perhaps,perhaps.ChapterTwenty-Six
ThefollowingdayMikawoketoatextfromThomas.Ifellasleepthinkingaboutyoulastnight.
Mikarolledontoherback.Herheadthrobbedalittle,butitwasnothingcomparedtowhatThomas’swordsdidtotherest
ofherbody.Herphonechimedwithanothertextfromhim.DidIreallystealyourfriend’scardgame?
Shegrinned.Yes.Youalsoworeaberet.
I’msuretheberetenjoyeditselfverymuch,Thomassaid.

Iamsureitdid.ShepicturedThomasputtingiton,hiseasygoingsmile.Mikadozedforamoment,wishingThomaswasbesideher,untilher
phonechirpedagain.

I’mpickingPennyupsoon.Willyousendmetheaddressforyourchurch?
Mikaboltedupright.Church.Thomasmeetingherparents.Pennywouldbetheretoo.Asimpleeventsuddenlyseemedverycomplicated.
WouldPennybeabletosensetheshiftinThomasandMika’srelationship?Herphonesoundedagain.Afollow-upmessagefrom
Thomas.Youthere?Pennyislookingforwardtoit.
I’mhere,Mikareplied,pickingclothesupoffthefloor,smellinganddiscardingthem.Shetappedouttheaddress.Cusoon.
***
Freshlyshowered,acupofto-gocoffeeinhand,Mikapulledupoutsideherparents’churchandwavedtoThomasandPenny
standingoutfront.

“Hey,”shesaid,gettingoutofthecar.Thetipsofherhairwerestillwet,andthecoffeesloshedoverthecup.Mikalicked
therim.

“Hey,”Thomassaidwarmly.Theyleanedintoeachotherasiftohugbutstoppedshort.Pennystoodby.Watching.Instead,
ThomasputhisarmaroundPenny,pullingherinclose.

“Dad.”Sherolledhereyesandsidesteppedhim.“I’mgoingtogoseeifHiromiandShigeareinside.”Sheskippedinthrough
thedoors.

MikaandThomasfollowedherataslowerpace.Helookedfantasticinadarkbluesuitandtie,andMikacouldn’thelpbut
thinkwhatwasunderit.Shethoughtbacktothehotelelevator,thehallways.Howhisthickveinedhandshadgrippedher
hips.Howhe’dlickedapathwayupthesideofherneck.Speakingofherneck,shecaughtsightofherselfinaglassdoor,
adistinctredmarknearhercollarbone,aburnfromThomas’sscruff.Sheslappedahandoverit.

Thomassmirked.Smirked.“Sleepwell?”heasked,totallyunrepentant.

“Likeababy,”Mikaretorted,rubbingthespot,thenlettingherhandfallaway.“Howaboutyou?”
“Tossedandturnedalittlebitbutmanagedtogetsomerest.”
“Ifoundthem.”Pennyhadbreezedback.“They’realreadysittingdownbutsavedseatsforusinthesecondpew.C’mon,”she
saidinayou’re-not-moving-fast-enoughway.Mikadidn’ttellPennyherparentsalwaysarrivedearlyandsatinthesamespot.
“Nowremember,Dad,they’renotreallythetouchy-feelytype.Iftheybow,justparrotitback.”

“Gotit,”Thomassaid.Alockofhairfelloverhisforehead,aspillofinkthatMikawantedtobrushaway.
Theycameintothesanctuary,andMika’sparentsstoodinthepewwaiting.ThefirsttimeMikahadattendedserviceswith
herparents,theoldpastorhadinvitedthemtoaNewYear’spotluckthefollowingweek.Hiromihadbeenquietlyexcited.
AftermonthsoflivingintheUnitedStates,driftinginaloneness,theirlittlefamilyhadfoundsomewheretobelong.

ThedaysbeforetheNewYear’spotluck,Hiromihadspentallhertimepreparinganosechiryoritobringandshare.Mikahelped
hermotherpackfood,thepieces—sweet-rolledomelet,fishcakes,pickledlotusroot—slottedliketinyjewelsintothelacquered
boxes.Thedayof,shehelpedhermotherdressinherfinestkimono
ThomasgreetedMika’sparents.“It’ssonicetomeetyou.ThankyouforbeingsowelcomingtoPenny.”
“Ofcourse,ofcourse.”ApolitesmiletouchedHiromi’slips.
ShigestuckouthishandforThomastoshake.IfThomaswassurprised,hedidn’tshowit.HeeasilyshookMika’sfather’shand.PastorBarbarastoodatthepulpit,andtheysettledintotheirseats.Mikasatnexttohermother.AndPennybetweenMikaandThomas.Mikahadneverbroughtanyonetochurchbeforewithher.NeverLeif.OrHana.Thiswasnew,wild,unchartedterritory.
“It’ssonicetoseeeveryonetoday,includingsomenewfacesinthecrowd,”PastorBarbarasaid.
HirominudgedMika.“He’sverytall,”shesaidunderherbreathinJapanese.
“Hai.”Yes,Mikaanswered.

“Tootall,”HiromisaidagaininJapanese.“Toohardtolookhimintheeyewhenyouspeak.Idealheightforamanisless
thansixfeet.Yourfatherisfive-seven.”

Mikadidn’tknowwhattosay,soshesaidnothing.Thesermonwenton,andtheysangacoupleofsongsaboutfriendship.Announcements
werelast.“Obonisfastapproaching.Whichwestillneeddancersfor.”

HirominudgedMikaagain.“Youshoulddothat,”shesaidinEnglish,anditwasonpurpose.SoPennywouldhear.WhenMika
quitdance,itwasthefirsttimeshe’ddefiedhermother.She’drefusedtogetinthecarandgotopractice,scrunching
upherfaceandtwistingherarmfromhermother’shold.She’dstompedherfootandshoutedno.

Now,Mikasaidquietly,“Idon’tthinkso.”
Pennyturned,hermouthopenasiftosaysomething,butstoppedshortasthepastorfinishedup.Aftertheservice,PennyandMikagleefullygorgedthemselvesonsweets.PastorBarbaracametointroduceherself.“Thankyouforjoiningustoday,”shesaidtoThomas.Thomassippedsomegreentea.Hisstancewascasualandrelaxed,thoughhestuckoutlikeabirchtreeamongbonsai.Ontheflipside,Pennywasinherelement;shecouldn’tstopsmiling
Mrs.Ito,Hiromi’sarch-nemesis,approachedthem.ShebowedtoHiromi.“Suzuki-san,howareyou?Icametomeetyourguests.”
MikascootedclosertoPenny.“Mrs.Ito,thisismydaughter,Penny,andherfather,Thomas.”
Mrs.Ito’smouthopenedandclosed.Thenshesmiled.“Oh,Isee.It’soneofthosebigsister,littlesisterthings.”
“Nope,”Mikaspokeup.“IgotpregnantwhenIwaseighteenandplacedthebabyforadoption.Pennyismybiologicaldaughter.”
“Mygranddaughter,”Hiromistatedproudly,andMikagavehertheside-eye.Well,okaythen.
“Thomasisheradoptivefather,”Mikaadded.
“Well,”Mrs.Itosaid,agleaminhereye.Whatgreatgossip!Howsooncouldshegetawaytotelltheothers?“Isn’tthatwonderful?Ishouldhaveknown.Youdoresembleeachother.”Mikausedtohateitwhenpeoplesaidshelooked
likeHiromi.Allshecouldseewashermother’sflaws.“Anditseemsyoubothhavethesamehealthyappetite.”Mrs.Ito’s
eyesdroppednoticeablytotheplatesinPenny’sandMika’shands.

Outofthecornerofhereye,MikasawThomastenseandshiftuncomfortably.Shegavehimaslightshakeofherhead.Better
tonotgetinvolved.

“Pennyisarunner,”Hiromiinterjected.“Sheneedstheenergy.AndMikaisstillyoung.Shecanaffordtoeatwhatshewants
alittlelonger.Youknow,shehasabigjobatNikenow.”Mikawouldnotclassifyherjobasbig,butsheknewbetterthantocorrectHiromiwhenshewasonaroll.“Shewalksaroundthatcampusallday.Iworryshedoesn’teatenoughwithhowhardshe’sworking.Infact,Iwantedtobringhersomebuttercookiesfromlastweek’sservice,butInoticedyoursonKenjitookthemallhome.Idon’tknowwhyheneededsomany.Hestilllivesalone,yes?Perhapstheywereforhiscats.”
Mrs.Ito’seyesglinted.SodidHiromi’s.AsthetwopetiteJapanesewomenstaredeachotherdown,Mikahadasuddenvision
ofthemovieGladiator.ThepartwhereRussellCrowefacesoffwithJoaquinPhoenixinthelastscene.MynameisMaximusDecimusMeridius.
“WillIseeeveryoneatObon?”PastorBarbarablurted.Overtheyears,she’dhadherhandsfullwithMrs.ItoandMrs.Suzuki.
Mikawonderedifallmothersdidthis,triedtoprovethemselvesforajobdescriptiontheydidn’twrite.

“Idon’tthink—”Hiromistartedwithafrown.Pennyhungherhead.Mrs.Itosmiled,thegrinofthevictor.
“We’llbethere,”Mikachimedinboldly,Hiromi’sinsecuritiesbecomingherown.“Andwe’regoingtodance.”
“Wewill?”Pennyasked,surprised.
“Yes.”Mikanoddedonce.“I’llteachyouallthestepsyouneedtoknowoverthenexttwoweeksintheevenings.”Shenudged
Penny.“Okay?”

“Okay.”Pennylitupfromwithin.“Dad,youhavetocomebackforit.”
Thomaslituptoo.HiseyesboreintoMika’s,andtheysharedasecretsmilebeforeheturnedbacktohisdaughter.“Iwouldn’t
missitfortheworld,kiddo.”
ChapterTwenty-Seven
Wednesday,Mikaleftworkatfiveo’clockonthedot.ShepickedPennyupatthedormandwavedtoDevonasPennyclimbed
intothecar.Theyorderedtakeout,and,munchingonspringrolls,MikagavePennythelowdownonBon-Odori.Howthemovements
werepasseddownfromgenerationtogeneration.Howmanybelievedyoudancedwithyourancestorsonthatsacredday.Could
Pennypictureit?Theghostsofagespastatherelbow?Tracingherhandsassheraisedthemtothesky?

“Holdon,”Mikasaid,stoppingasherphonechimedwithanincomingtext.ItwasfromThomas.Apictureofoneofthenote
cards,whichsaid,“Doyouhaveasecrethunchabouthowyouwilldie?”

Youtookthemhome?Mikareplied.Stealingfromthebusisonething,butthisisnext-leveldepravity.SheglancedatPennypracticingthemovements,watchedasshetwirled,herhairspreadingoutinadarkfan.I’msureitwillbesomethinghumiliatinglikeaccidentaldrowninginatoilet,shetappedout.You?
Hemusthavehadhisresponseattheready.Bearattack,definitely.
Mikalaughedoutloud.Ididn’tknowthereweresomanybearsinOhio,sheresponded.

Youhavenoidea,Thomassaid.

Pennypaused,aquizzicalsmileonherface.ShehadcaughtthelookinMika’seyes,thecoysmile.
“Hana,”Mikalied,puttingherphonedown.“Sorry,”shesaid,throatthickeningwithconflictingemotions.Sheshouldn’thave
liedaboutthat.Feltguiltybutwasn’tpreparedtoexplainherrelationshipwithThomastoPenny.“Trythatstepagain.This
timekeepyoureyesonthehorizoninsteadoflookingdown.”Pennynoddedandresumedpracticing.

OnFridayevening,MikaandPennyrehearsedagain.“Wanttohangouttomorrow?”Pennyaskedasshegotoutofthecar.
“Yeah,”Mikasaid.“Givemeajingle.I’llbearound.”
“Cool,”Pennysaid,slammingthedoor.Mika’sphonerang,andThomas’snameflashedonthescreen.ShewatchedasPennydisappeared
throughtheswingingdoor,thenanswered.

“Hi,”shesaidfinally.
“Hi,”Thomasansweredback.
“IjustdroppedPennyoffatthedorm.Um,ifthat’swhyyou’recallingandcouldn’tgetaholdofher.”Mikakeptthecar
parked.Thelastrayofsunlightdippedbelowthehorizon.Withthedarkcamequiet,astillnessMikaalwaysloved.

“ItalkedtoPennyearliertoday.”Therewasaclinkingsound.Icecubeshittingtheinsideofaglass.
“Youdid?”
“Idid.Iwantedtotalktoyou.”Thomaspaused.“Isthatokay?”
AfaintsmileappearedatthecornerofMika’smouth.“That’sokay.”
“Good.”
“Howwasyourday?”Mikaasked.Shelaybackinherseat,contenttostayawhile.
Thomassighed.“Mydayhasn’tended.I’mstillattheoffice.Imightsleepheretonight.”
“Yousoundtired,”Mikasaid.
“Iam.ThiscaseI’mworkingonistakingmoretimethanIthought.I’mrepresentingadesigncompanythat’ssuingalarger
big-boxstorefortheuseofoneoftheirprints.Itwassupposedtobecut-and-dried.Usually,bigcompaniessettlerather
thangotolitigation,butapparently,thiscorporationhasdecidedthisisthehillthey’regoingtodieon,”heanswered.
“Anyway,youreadyforanothercard?”

“I’mready,”Mikasaid.Thestreetlightsblinkedon,oneaftertheother.
“‘Sharewithyourpartneranembarrassingmomentinyourlife,’”hesaid
Mikagroaned.“Pass.”
“Youcan’tpass,”hestated.“ButI’llgofirstifthatmakesyoufeelbetter.”
“I’mallears.”
“Ilostabetincollegeandnowhaveasmalltattooonmyhip.”
“Ofwhat?”
“ATyrannosaurusrextryingtotiehisshoes.”Hepaused.“Myfriendsthoughtitwashilarious…because,youknow,T.
rexeshaveshortarms.”

AlaughbubbledfromMika.“Oh.Igetit.”
“Nowyou,”hesaid.
“Well.”Shestalledforamoment,runningahandoverhersteeringwheel.“MyfathertookuscampingwhenIwasten.”Hiromihatedit.“Ithinkhewastryingtoassimilate.Youknow,dothingsAmericansdo.Ihadtogotothebathroomreallybad,butthecampgroundwasprettyrustic.Thereweren’tanytoilets.”Shestopped,cheeksblazing.“DoIhavetodothis?”
“Oh,yeah,”Thomassaidwarmly.“Ican’tgobacktoworkuntilIheartherest.”
“Ugh,fine.Islippedonmyfather’sshoesandheadedoutintothewoods,poppedasquat,only…Ididn’taccountfor
thelengthofhisshoesandendedupgoingalloverthem.”Mikaclosedhereyes,lettingtheheatofembarrassmentwashover
her.

AlaughrattledoutofThomas.“Whatdidyourparentsdo?”
“Nothing,”Mikasaid.“Iburiedtheshoesandpretendednottoknowanythingwhentheysearchedfortheminthemorning.”
SomewhereintheMt.HoodNationalForest,apairofAdidasslideshadfoundapermanenthomeinashallowgrave.

Afterthat,therewerenomoretexts.MikacalledThomasorThomascalledMika.HeleftmessagesforMikaduringtheworkdays.
Hey.ThinkingaboutyouThefunniestthingjusthappened…Iwantedtotellyou…Theyatedinnertogetheronthephoneandtalkedlateintothenight,thenotecardsapathwaytheywalkeddowntogether.

“Istheresomethingyou’vedreamedofdoingforalongtime?”heaskedlateonenight.
Mikacurledonherside.Shelayinthedarkofherroom.Outsideherwindow,themoonwasahangnailinthesky.“Onceupon
atime,Iwantedtotravel.I’dgotoParisfirst.ToseetheLouvre,theMuséed’Orsay.”

“Whyhaven’tyoudoneit?”Therewasrustlingontheotherendoftheline.WasThomasinbedtoo?
“Idon’tknow,”shesaid,stickingahandunderherpillow.ShewonderedwhatitmightbelikeifThomaswasinbedbesideher.Howitmightfeeltorestherheadonhisshoulder.Howhiswarmbreathmightstirherhair.Itwouldbenicetohavesomeonetoleanon.
“Isitamoneything?”Thomasasked
“No,morelikeacircumstancesthing.”Peterhadtaughthertheworldwasacruelandunfriendlyplace.Thereweretoomany
shadowswherepeoplehid.Toomanysharpledgestofallfrom.

“Caretoelaborate?”
“Notreally.Whataboutyou?”
“Travelsoundsgood.Lately,I’vebeenthinkingaboutclosingthepractice.Itwastherightthingforafamily,butnowI’m
findingIhavemoretimeformyself,andI’minafinancialpositiontopursuesomethingelse.ThoughI’mnotsurewhat.”

“Professionalkayaker?”Mikaaskedwithagrin.
“Maybe.Ihaven’tgivenuponelvisheither,”hesaid.Therewasashuffling.Thesoundofpaper.“‘Wouldyouliketobefamous?
Inwhatway?’”Anothercard.Thomasansweredfirst.“Idon’tthinkso.I’mprettycontentrighthere,rightnow,whereI’m
at.You?”

Mika’shandscurled,rememberingthefeelofabrushinthem.“Idon’tknowaboutfamous,butsuccessful,wellknownatleast.
Iused…Iusedtopaint.”YouhavethemostrawtalentI’veeverseen,Marcushadsaid.Shesighed.“Itwasjustahobby.”

“Doesn’tsoundlikeit.”Thomas’svoicedeepened.“Parismakesmoresensenow.Icouldseeyouandmethere,”headded.
Mika’sheartlodgedinherthroat.“Youalreadyhavetheberet,”shesaid,thoughitmadeherwonder.Daredhertodream.
She’dalwayspicturedherselfaloneonthecobblestonestreets.Butmaybesomeoneelsewasthere.Holdingherhand.Sipping
coffeewithherunderaredstripedumbrella.KissingheroutsidetheLouvre
“It’sadate,then.You,me,andParis.”
Thomas’swordsbeckonedMika,luringherinlikeasiren’scall.Shebreathedinandout.“Alright,Thomas,”sheagreed,drowsyandhappy.“Youandme.Paris,herewecome.”Shefellasleepwithasmileonherface.
***
Timetumbledon.MikaandPennyhadanoldladyday.Theycompletedaone-thousand-piecepuzzle,snoozedonthecouch,played
bingoatalocalhall,andatedinneratfivep.m.PennyperfectedtheBon-Odori,andtheycelebratedwithasleepover.Eating
hottamalesandRedVineswhilewatchinganinfomercialcoupletheywereobsessedwith.

“Theylooklikebrotherandsister,”Mikasaid,transfixed.
“Andwhataretheyselling?Powderedsupplements?Sopeopledon’thavetoeatvegetables?”Pennyremarked.
“Ican’tstopwatchingthem.”
“Iknow,right?It’slikeI’mhypnotized.”
Forty-eighthoursbeforeObon,ThomascalledMika.“Hi,”sheanswered.“Whatareyoudoing?”Shewassittingonthecouch,
legscurledunderneathher.Asinglelampon,andthesunsettingoutside.

“Ijustgothome,actually,”hesaid.“AndI’mgoingthroughapileofmailI’veneglectedallweek.”
“Wanttocallmeback?”
“No.I—”Hestoppedshort.
“Everythingokay?”
“Fine,”hesaidafteralong,longpause.“There’saletterfromAdoptionAcrossAmerica.”
“Oh?”Mikasatforward.Whatastrangeandkindofbeautifulrealityshewasin.
“It’sprobablythereminderthatmyannualreportisduetoyou.”
“Ican’twait.I’llbewatchingmymailboxforyournextfivelinesaboutPenny.”Itcameoutsharperthanshe’dexpected,
adecibelhighertoo.Thomas’ssuccinctlettershadbeeninsuchstarkcontrasttoCaroline’s.Betweenthelines,Mikacould
almosthearCarolinewhisperingtoher,addressingMika’sheartache.Donotworry.Iamtakingcareofourdaughter.Beeasynow.Iloveherasyouloveher.
Thomassuckedinanuneasybreath.“I’msensingatone.Youdidn’tlikemyletters?”heasked.Therewasafrowninhisvoice.
Confusion.

Sheplayedwithhertoes.“Caroline’sletters…theywerelonger.TheymademefeelmoreapartofPenny’slife.”
“Andminedidn’t?”
Mikaexhaled.“No,theydidn’t.”Sheresistedtheurgetoapologize.TomakeexcusesforThomas.Tosay,It’sokay.I’msureyouweregoingthroughalot.Sixmonthsago,shewouldhaveplacedtheissuetotheside,butThomasandPenny,thiswholethingthathadhappenedand
washappeningbetweenthem,madeMikafeelbigger.Braver.Morewillingtodemandthings.Towantthings.

Thelinegrewquiet,andMikaknewhewaschoosinghiswordscarefully.“Shit.I’msorry.”Hepaused,voiceunsteady,amixofregretandangst.“Thatkindofstuffdoesn’tcomenaturallytome.I’musedtocontractsandbrevity.Whyusesixwordswhentwowilldo?”Hepaused,huffedoutalaugh.“Butthatwasthoughtlessofme.I’vebeenanasshole.”
“Iwouldn’tcallyouanasshole.”Notnowanyway.
“Forgiveme?”
Mikabreathedinslowly.Itdidn’tnecessarilyhealthehurt.Therewouldalwaysbeagapingwoundatmissingherdaughter’s
life.AndThomashadcontributedtoitbywithholding.Butstill…thewindinMika’sangrysailsdeflated.“It’salready
forgotten.”

“Okay,”Thomassaidevenly,althoughitsoundedlikehedidn’tbelieveher.“Youreadyforanothernotecardthen?It’sthe
lastquestion.”

Mikasatbackonhercouch,hookinghertoesonthecoffeetable.“I’mready.”
“‘Finishthissentence:IwishIhadsomeonewithwhomIcouldshare…’”Hetrailedoff.
Mikaansweredimmediately.“Thesmallthings.Likebaddays,gooddays,favoritetelevisionshows,embarrassingstories.”
Shestoppedonablush.Becausethetruthwas,thetruthwas,MikahadbeensharingthosethingswithThomas.Therewasnodenyingitnow.ThomaswastakingupspaceinMika’slife.Shewasin
deep.Herhandflexed,feelingaphantomheat.Icarusapproachingthesun.Touchingit.Howgooditfelt.Thelight.Thewarmth.
Howcouldshenotwanttobaskinitforever?

Thomasreplied,andshefelttheweightofhiswordsasheavyasahug.“Metoo.”ChapterTwenty-Eight
Thenightbeforetheirperformance,MikaandPennydroveacrosstowntoShigeandHiromi’shouse.“Ihaven’tgottenthekimonos
outinyears,”Hiromiexplainedasshepulledtheplastictubfromhercloset.Therewasaquicknesstohermovements,alightness
inherair.Asifherhip,knees,andbacknolongerached.Asifshewereyoungagain.HadMikaeverseenhermothersoexcited?
ThenHiromiadded,“SinceMikaquitdancing.”Ahyes,therewastheexpectedverbaljab.WhenMikahaddanced,therehadbeen
ashineinHiromi’seyes.Pride.HowquickMikahadbeentopierceitout.Youtwoarelikefire,Shigehadsaid.Youburneverythingdown.Shetoldherselfshequitdancingtofocusonotherpursuits,onpainting,butitreallyhadbeentospiteHiromi,tohurt
herasshehadhurtMika.

“Here,letme.”Mikasteppedforward,relievingHiromiofthetub,settingitonthequiltonherparents’bed.Shepeeled
thelidoff,andthesmellofmothballscloudedtheroom
Pennystuckhernosein.“They’rebeautiful.”OnthetopwasthekimonoHiromihadworntoNewYear’satthechurchyearsagowhenMikahadbeensix.Lightpinkombréthattaperedtopurplewithhand-stitchedcranes.Mikarememberedbeingachildandpressingherselfagainsthermother’sthigh,thefeeloftheembroideryagainsthercheek.
“Theyukataareonthebottom,”Hiromisaid.ForObon,they’dwearlighter-weightcottonkimonos.AsHiromiremovedthekimono,
herhandstrembled.Perhapsatthememorythatshe’doncebeenamaiko,thatsheoncehadshonebrightly.Hiromipulledout
threeyukatas,thenhelpedMikaandPennydress.Firstweretheplainwhiteundergarments,thentheactualyukata.

“Armsupandout,”HiromiinstructedPenny.Mikasawherselfatagethirteen—holdingherarmsoutstraight,theedgesofthe
kimonosleevestuckedintoherhands,fabricpoolingaroundherfeet,findingitimpossibletokeepstill.ButPennyheld
herselfrigidasifshe’dturnedtostone,takingineverywordHiromisaidasifitweregospel.Hiromifoldedthewaist
ofthekimonoupsothatthehemhitPennyrightattheankles.“Now,Iwrapit,”Hiromisaid.Withexperthands,shetucked
therightoftheyukataaroundPenny’slefthip,thendidthereverse.Sheusedapurplecordtosecuretheyukataclosed.
Lastwastheobi.Again,Mikarecalledherselfasachild,feetshiftingfromhavingtostandstilltoolong,breathsstolen
astheobiwastiedtightlyaroundherwaistinaperfectbow.Now,HiromididthesametoPenny.TearsgatheredinMika’s
eyes.Shedidn’tknowwhy.ButthenPenny’seyesconnectedwithhers.Theywereliquidtoo.Mika’sheartswelledtoatleast
twiceitssize.

“HowdoIlook?”Pennyaskeduncertainly.
“Seeforyourself,”Hiromisaid.Inthecorneroftheroomwasafull-lengthmirror.Theyshuffledtoit.
Theretheywere.Hiromiwasstillinherplainclothes,butPennyandMikawereinfullyukatas,longdarkhairaroundtheirshoulders,acascadeofnightfall.“We’llpinyourhairupforthefestival,”Hiromisaidandwentbacktothetubtowithdrawahanakanzashi,atraditionalflowerpin.“Thiswasmymother’s,”shesaid,twistingPenny’shairupandsecuringit.
“Whatdoyouthink?”Mikaasked.Theygazedintothemirror—threegenerationsofSuzukiwomen.Mikacouldalmostseethegardens
inJapan,wheresheandhermotherhadoncespenttheirafternoons.Therowsofmanicuredtrees.Thetemplebellsringing.
Thesoundoftheloudspeakerannouncementatthetrain’sapproach.Onceuponatime,Mikathoughtshedidn’tshareanything
withHiromi—theyhadbeenalienstoeachother,orbitingdifferentplanets.Howwrongshe’dbeen.Andnow,theyhadsomething
newincommon,thecurrentsofmotherhoodpullingtheminthesamedirection.ToPenny.Toachildwhomtheybothadored.
Whoinspiredthekindoflovethatgutsyou—wasthishowHiromifeltaboutMika?

Shigeknockedonthedoor.“Istoppedatthestore.”Heheldouthishandtorevealabundleofpinesticks.Joyspreadacross
Hiromi’sface
“Whatisit?”Pennyasked.
“Mukaebi.Welcomingfire,”Mikaexplained.“It’stoguidespiritshome.”
Inthebackyard,Shigesetthebundletoflameandplaceditinacopperdish.Theyhuddledaround,Mika’sfeetoverthestain
whereHiromidyedShige’shaironceeveryothermonth.InJapan,theywouldhavegonetotheirancestralhometolightthe
fire.Theywouldhavevisitedgraves,cleanedthem,andsetwatermelonandsweettreatsontheshouryoudana.Theywouldhave
celebratedwithfamilyandfood.ButlivinginAmerica,theymadeallsortsofculturalcompromises.

Theywatchedthesticksburn,andthestrandsoftraditionpulleddownthroughthegenerations,stitchingthefourofthemtogether.MikastudiedPenny,thelickoffireagainsthercheeks.Herfaceturneduptothesky.Thewaytheirshadowsgrewintothenight,intotheinkydarknessstretchingfromtheirbodieslikeskeletons.ShewonderedifPennywasthinkingofCaroline,ofsummoningherhome.Ifshewasanyclosertotheanswertoherquestion.WhoamI?WhoamI?
***
Flightisdelayed,Thomastextedearlythefollowingmorning,thedayofObon.I’llmeetyouthere.HiromidressedMikaandPennyagaininyukatas.Mika’smotherspentextratimefussingoverPenny.WhowouldhaveknownHiromi
wouldmakesuchawonderfulObāchan?Theydroveseparatelytothefestival.AtthePortlandBuddhisttemple,thecourtyard
hadbeentransformed.Theatmospherewascheerful—taikodrummerspoundedawayonayagurastage,paperlanternshadbeenstrung
upandswayedinthesummerbreeze,boothsweresetwithgamesandtreats.

Hiromi,Mika,andPennyjoinedthedancersinthecircleimmediately.Clapping,thencuppingtheirhandsasifgrabbinga
scoopofcoal.Dig.Dig.Carry.Carry.Theymovedalonginsynchwiththedrums.Afterawhile,HiromitiredandlefttositintheshadeofthetemplewithShige.

Thesunwassetting,andtheskywasawashinblazingoranges.Lanternsglowed,attractingmothsandothercreaturesofthe
night.Anotherturn,andMika’ssmilestretchedaswideasthesky.Hereyescaughtafamiliarfigureinthecrowd.Thomas
stoodofftotheside,lipstwistedintoahalf-grin.Hewavedather.“Yourdad’shere,”sheshoutedtoPenny.

Pennywavedathim.“I’mgoingtokeepgoing.”
“I’llgosayhi.”Mikaleftthecircle.Thenightwashot,andlittlepiecesofhairhadescapedherbuntosticktoherneck.
“Hey,”hesaid.Shebaskedinthewarmthofhissmile,thewayhiseyeslazilysettledonher,glintingwithasubtleheat.
ThomashaddressedplainlyinaT-shirtandjeans.“Thisissomethingelse.”Hetwirledhisfingeraroundtoencompassthe
festival.“Areyourparentshere?”

“Inthetemple.”Mikatiltedherheadinthedirectionoftheplainwhitebuilding.Shesmootheddownthefabricofherkimono,
navywithbrightredpoppies.“Pennyisanaturaldancer.Ishouldhaveknown;she’ssoathletic.”IfMikahadtochooseone
momentintimetoliveinoverandoveragain,she’dchoosethisone.Righthereandnow.Herbodylight.Herhearthappy.

Thomasrockedbackonhisheels.Hishairhadgottenlongertheselastfewweeks,andhesmootheditbackwithalargehand.
“She’sinherelement.”TheywatchedPennygoby,movementsfluidasifshe’dspentalifetimedancingodori.“Totellyou
thetruth,thiskindofmakesmefeellikeshit.”

“Why?”
“I—We…we…neverdidanythinglikethisforPenny.”

Howcouldtheyhave?MikafeltforThomas.AndfeltasbadasThomas.Becausesomeofthiswasherfaulttoo.She’dgiven
Pennytowhiteparents,knowingsomethingwouldbemissing.Sheshouldhaveinsistedonmorefromthemduringtheadoption.BuybookswithJapanesecharacters.Findadollwithdarkhairandbeautifulbrowneyes.Makesuresheknowswhereshecomesfrom.LearnJapanese,studykanji.MikahadnodoubtCarolineandThomaslovedPenny.They’dpacedhallwayssoothingPennywhilesheragedwithfever.They’d
enrolledherinsoccerandcheeredheronduringeverygame.They’dboughthergroceriessoshecouldexplore(terrible)baking.
Mikahadthelettersandpicturestoproveit.Pennyhadbeentreatedasfleshoftheirflesh.Butwasthatenough?Wasit
everenough?“YoumeananythingJapanese?Pennysaidyoutookhertofestivals.”

Thomashunghishead.“Wedid,butitwasn’tlikethis.Likeshebelonged.WedroveallthewaytoCincinnationedaytogo
toacherryblossomfestival.CarolineandPennyworematchingsweaters.Wevisitedthebooths,andtheJapaneseladiesdoted
onPenny,thenaskedCarolineandmewherewegotherfrom.”

“Whatdidyousay?”
“Thatshewasadopted.ButitmadeCarolinecloseoff.Shewantedtoleavesoonafterthat.”
Mikaswallowed,curbedtheurgetostompherfoot.Notfair.Notfair.“Youdiscussedit,right?Beforeyouadoptedher?ThatshewasJapanese,thatshewouldn’tlooklikeyou?”

“Wedid.Carolinesaiditwouldn’tmatter.Thatwe’draiseherourway…”
TheconfessionunspooledaroundMika.Anger,white-hot,spearedherchest.“Thatissocompletelywrong,”Mikasputtered.
ShehadidealizedCarolineinhermind.Themothershe’dwantedforPenny.Themothershewishedshe’dhad.Themothershe’d
wantedtobe
“Iknow.AndI’msorry.Itoldyou,parentsmakemistakes.That’swhyIwasokaywithPennycominghereforthewholesummer.SheneededsomethingIcouldn’tgiveher.Pleasedon’tbemad,”Thomassaidquietly.“IlovePenny.I’mtryingtomakeitright.”
AtThomas’sgentleplea,someofMika’sangerfoldedaway.Whatmadeagoodmother?Maybetherewasn’taperfectmother.Perhaps
youjustdidthebestyoucould.ThisnewknowledgegnawedatMika.WouldMikahavebeenagoodmother?Shedidn’tknowwhat
tosay.Andshedidn’tknowifshecouldabsolveThomas.Ifshecouldevenabsolveherself.

“Didyouseeme?”Pennyboundedover,cheekspinkwithpride.SeeingPennyhappy,thetensionMikahadbeenholdingreleased.
“Suredid,kiddo.Gotitonvideo.”Thomasflashedhisphone.“Youtwowanttostaylonger,orareyouhungry?”They’dplanned
togotodinner,justthethreeofthem.“Yourparentsarewelcometojoin.Mytreat,”ThomassaidtoMika.

“That’salovelyoffer,butIthinktheyareprobablytiredandwanttoheadhomesoon,”Mikasaid.Shigeusuallyfellasleep
watchingtheNHK.Shelikedtheideaofitbeingthethreeofthem,theirowndelicatefamilyecosystem.

Pennyhadherphoneoutandwastextingsomeone.“DoyoumindifIpass?”shesaid.“Oliveisonherwayhere.I’mgoingto
showheraroundandthenwe’llcatcharidetogetherhome.”

“Butwhatabouttherestaurantthatcooksyourfoodinfrontofyou?”Thomasasked,thedisappointmentevidentinhisvoice.
Earlierthatweek,he’dmadeareservationatateppanyakiplaceandsentMikaandPennythelink.Theyhaveflamingonionvolcanotowers,he’dwritten,justsoproudandexcited.

“Oh,”Pennysaid,lookingupfromherphone.“Youreallywantmetogo?Imean,Iwillifyoureally,reallywantmeto…”
Shetrailedoff.Herwordstheoppositeofwhatsheclearlydesired.Tobewithherfriends.Tobeateenager.

“No,ofcoursenot,”Thomassaid.“Havefunwithyourfriends.”
Letsoeasilyoffthehook,Pennybeamed.“Youtwoshouldtotallystillgo.”
“Yousure?”Thomas’seyesjumpedtoMika’s.Mikapeereddownatherfeet
“I’msure,”Pennysaid,stilltappingawayonherphoneagain.“Youguysgo.Haveagreattime.”
ThomasfollowedMikatohercar,bagslungoverhisshoulder.Shecouldfeelhimbehindher.Hisheat,hispresence.Herheart
beatfast,alongwiththetaikodrums.Thesunmayhavefaded,butshecouldstillfeelthewarmthinherbones.Nearthe
car,ThomascaughtMika’shandandheldit.Shestoppedshort.Turned.Hestudiedherwithliquidgreeneyes.“Hi,”hesaid,
browstense.

“Hi,”shesaidback.
“DoesitmakemeanawfulpersontoadmitI’mgladPennyditchedus?”
“Ifyou’reawful,”shegentlyadmitted,“thenmaybeIamtoo.”ChapterTwenty-Nine
ThedrivetoMika’shousewassilent.Thomasstaredoutthewindow,drummingarhythmagainsthisthigh.Atstoplights,Mika
stoleglancesathim.Attheveinsrunninguphisarm,thecurveofhischeekbones,themessyhairwithafewsilverstrands
reflectingthewaningsunlight.He’dcaughtherlookingonce,andshe’dglancedquicklyaway.Butshedidn’tmissthesly
smilethatappearedonhisface.

“I’llberightbackout,”she’dsaidwhenthey’dgottenintothehouse,alreadyworkingattheknotoftheobi.“Actually,
wouldyoumind?”ShescootedclosertoThomas.HerhandsfellawayasshefeltThomas’sstrongfingersworkatit,untying
theobi.Hestilledasitunraveledfromherwaist.Sheheldthekimonoclosed,thenstoopedtopickuptheobi.Shespun
inhisarmstofacehim.“Thanks,”shesaid.

“Anytime.”Hisvoicesoundedrough,andhishandstraceddownhersides.
“Berightback,”shesaidlowly.Herhandloosenedonthekimono,exposingthewhiteundergarment.
“Okay,”hesaid,voiceevenrougher
“Okay.”Sheplacedherhandsonhischest,skinburninghotunderherfingers.Ithurttostepawayfromhim.Butsheneededaminute.Neededtotakeabreak,adeepbreath.Shepaddedtoherroomandclosedthedoor,leaningagainstitheavily.Sheundressedslowly,methodically.Foldingthekimonoashermotherhadtaughther.ShecouldhearThomasinthehouse.Walkingaround,openingthefridge,crackingopenabeer.WhenshereemergedinjeansandaT-shirt,hesatonthecouch,abrownpaperbagonthetable.
“What’sthat?”
“Agift,butfirst…”Heheldapieceofpaper.“Foryou,”hesaid,offeringittoher.
“I’mintrigued,”shesaid,openingtheletterandreading.
DearMika,
Pennywillturnseventeensoon,andwehavehadquitetheyear.Inkeepingwiththetraditionofchildrenworryingtheirparents,
PennyboughtatickettoPortlandtomeetyou,herbirthmother.DoyourememberthefirsttimeIcalledyou?Ido.Actually,
Idon’tremembereverythingIsaid.Onlythefear.ThatImightbelosingmydaughter—nottoyou,buttotheworld.AndI…
Ijustwasn’treadyyet.

Jesus.It’shardtoadmit,butI’vebeenafraidforsolong.Terrifiedofthefuture.Idon’tdowellwithchange.Whichis
difficultwhenallyourchildwantstodoistransform.ItseemsthetighterItrytoholdon,themorethingsslipthrough
myfingers.Itisaremindertomeofhowimpermanentlifeis.

Penny’sdesiretobecomeherownpersonismadeapparenttomeeveryday.Wetalktoeachotherlessandless,especiallythissummer.Sheisoutonarunorwithhernewboyfriend—whoplanstovisitherduringtheschoolyear.Iampretendingtobeacoolparent.Ihaveevenofferedtoputhimuponourcouch.Witnessmyevolution.(Although,betweenyouandme,Ihavestoodinourlivingroom,contemplatingwhereImightplacehiddencameras.)
Sheisplanningtoapplytoseveralcolleges—manyoutofstate.IunderstandPennyhasgrowntoobigforthehouseIbuilt.
IknowthepartImustplay.Myjobistogethertoaplacewhereshedoesn’tneedmeanymore.Myroleistoputupthefunds
andacceptIcannotkeepherforever.Itisanotherdeathofsorts,Ithink.ThefinalgoodbyeofthelifeIhadwithCaroline.
WeweresupposedtotakePennytocollegetogether.Weweresupposedtositoutsideinourcarinthedrivewaybecausewe
couldn’tbeartogoinsidethehousewithoutherortheknowledgethatthenexttimeshecamehome,shewouldbeavisitor.
Weweresupposedtomissherforaweek,thenagreequietlywhilefeelingalittleashamedthatitwaskindofnice,nowthat
it’sthetwoofus.Howdidmylifegofromthreetotwoandnowone?Ofcourse,Iknowtheanswer.Death.Growingup.

Itisstartingtogeteasier,andinpart,it’sduetoyou.Youhaveeasedthepressureinmychest.Forawhile,allI’vebeenabletodoislookbackward.Andnow,allofasudden,Ilookforward.IamexcitedtoseewhereyouandIwilllead.ExcitedtoseewherePennywillgo,whatshewilldiscover,whoshewillbecome.Ihaverealized,too,thatwhilethewindsofchangemaycarryheraway,Iwillalwaysbeherfather.
Icouldgoon.Thetruthis,I’mnotsurehowtoendthisletter.IguessI’lljustfinishbysaying,Ihopethedaysahead
arebrighterthanthosebehindus—fortherecord,Ibelievetheywillbe.

Thomas
MikafinishedreadingandlookedatThomas,hereyeswide.Sheopenedhermouthtospeak,butnowordswouldform.Shewas
toostunnedbyThomas’sactofbrilliantgenerosity.He’ddonewhatdidn’tcomeeasy.Andhe’ddoneitforher,givenhimself
freely.

“Yourannualletter,”hesaidroughly,withahintofasmile.“Handdeliveredandmorethanfivesentencestoboot.You’ll
havetowaitonthephotographs;I’mstillgatheringthemup.Believeitornot,it’shardtogetprintedpicturesthesedays.
DoesitmakemesoundoldifIsay,rememberthetimewhenyoucouldgointoastoreanddeveloparolloffilm?Thingswere
somuchsimplerthen.”

“Yes,”Mikareplied,matchinghissmile.“ButIwon’ttellanyone.”Shegesturedathimwiththeletter.“Youdidn’thave
todothis,”shesaid,butreally,shewantedtowrapherarmsaroundhim.Itwasthebestgiftshe’deverreceived.She’d
askedThomasformore,andhe’dgivenittoher.Shecurbedtheurgetoweep.

“Ididhaveto.”Thomasrolledhishandstogether.“Nowforyournextgift.Iamnotnearlydonewooingyou.”Hegrabbedthebrownpaperbagfromthetable.
Herinsidesbuzzed,andsheopenedherhands,acceptingthepackage.“Forme?”
“Foryou,”heconfirmed,lightgazescrapingupherbodytohereyes.
“ShouldIopenit?”Shecurleduponthecouchnexttohim.
“It’snothingbig.JustsomethingIsawandthoughtofyou.”Heoutrightgrinned.“Sorry,it’snotwrapped.”
Herstomachsomersaulted.Shereachedinthebag,pullingoutwhatwasinside.“Oilpaints,”shebreathedout.Theboxwas
anintroductoryset.Thebrandhighquality.Ninetubesofpurepigments—cadmiumyellow,alizarincrimson,ultramarineblue,
viridiangreen,burntumber.Sheglancedoutthewindow.Sawherreflection.WhoamI?WhoamI?Herpalmsgrewclammy.

Thomasscootedcloser.Theirkneesbumped.Hishandlandedonherthighandsqueezed.“Yougavemebackrowing.Iwantedto
givesomethingbacktoyoutoo.”

Shesetthepaintsdown,awayfromher,suddenlycold.“Thisisgreat.Thankyou.”
Hefrowned.“Youdon’tlikethem?”
“It’sjustnotsomethingIdoanymore.”Sheturnedawaytohideherlonging,thehurtinherheart.
“Whydon’tyou?”
Herchesttightened.Herthroatfeltdry.
“Mika?”Thomassaid,leaningin,hislighteyesbaffled.“Whatisit?”Hepulledherintoahug.“Youcantellmeaboutit.”
Sheburiedherfaceinhischest.Hishandranupanddownherback,easinghercloser.Hemadesoothingsoundsandsmelled
likesoapandcoffee.Shesoakedhisshirt,quietlycrying.Lettingoutallthegrief.Lettingitallgo.

Shepulledback.“Iwant—”Shestoppedshort.
“Whatisityouwant?”Hisfacewasserious,browpinchedasifstudyingMikaunderamicroscope,peelingawaythelayers
shehidunder.Hishandslidintoherhair,cradlingthebackofherhead.

Sheheldhisgazeasshethought.Iwantitallback.ThetimeIlost.Iwantmyfutureback,myinnocence,mybravery,mysenseofsecurityIwanttofallinloveagain.TobefreeofthecagePeterbuiltaroundme.Shewanteditall.Penny.Family.Painting.Travel.Theghostlife.Butshe’dstartwithThomas…“You.Justyou.”

“Mika.”Hekissedherforehead.Theneachofhercheeks.“Mika.Youhaveme.”
Hepulledherin.Thenheslowly,eversoslowlybentdownuntilhisnosegrazedhers.“Okay?”hesaid.Hewasaskingfor
permission.Sheclenchedherhands,hisshirtbunchinginherfists.

“Yes,”shesaid.
Heswoopeddown,in.Hislipscaughtherssoftlyatfirst.SohotandslowMikafeltasifshemightexplode.Heshifted,
cleverhandsslidingaroundherwaist.Thenheinchedupunderhershirt,rightbelowherbreasts.Mikaarchedintohistouch,
pressingherselfagainsthim.Hisgriptightened.Histongueslippedintohermouth.Shegasped,openinghermouthtodeepen
thekiss.

Somehow,theymovedthroughtimeandspaceandfellontoherbed.Thewindowwasopen,paisleycurtainsspreadwide,revealingPortland’ssummersky—awispofclouds,ahazyborderabovethetreelinefromlightpollution,arisingmoon.Herheartthundered,thesoundofonethousandhorses’hoofbeats.Thomasrearedback.Hethumbedherlips.Kissedheragain.Shereacheddown,catchingthehemofhisshirt,andpulleditupandoffhim.“Youtoo,”hesaid.Mikacomplied,tossinghershirttotheside.Hehookedafingerunderherbrastrapandpulleddown,themuscleinhisjawleaping.“Wow.”
“Itakeitthat’sgood?”sheasked,mouthquirkingintoasmile.
“Sogood.”Hekissedthetopsofherbreasts.
Shehikedaleguparoundhiswaist,pressinghimagainsther.Feelinghowmuchhewantedher.Theygroundtogether.Kissed
more,wet-hotandopen-mouthed.Hemoveddownherbody,leavingfireinhiswake.Hepoppedthebuttonopenonherjeansand
shimmiedheroutofthem.

“Wait,”shegasped—heatpulsedunderherskin.
Immediatelyhestilled.“DidIhurtyou?”
No,buthecould.Sheslidherhandsthroughhishair.“Iwantthis.Iwantyou.ButIhavesomerules.”
Hisfacewasinscrutable,andhisbreathtickledherbelly.“Okay.”
“It’sokayforyoutobeontop,butdon’tputyourhandovermymouth.”
“Iwouldn’tdothat.”Hepaused.“Whatelse?”
Sheshookherhead.Herheartrockedlikeaboatcaughtontheedgeofaswell.“I’malittlebroken,”sheadmitted.
“Metoo,”hesaid.Mikaknewthat.It’spartofwhatboundthemtogether.Twobrokenheartsmakeawholeone.“Youshould
know,it’sbeenawhileforme,”hesaid.

Shesquirmed.“Howlong?”
“Iwentonacoupledateswithawomanayearago,weslepttogether…”
“Threehundredsixty-fivedays.That’salotofpressure.”
“Ididn’tlikeit.”ThomaslockedeyeswithMika.“Ican’tjustbewithsomeoneI’mnot—thatIdon’tcarefor.”Mikaleaned
uponanelbowandranahandthroughhishair.

“Meeither,”shesaid.
“Gladweunderstandeachother.”Herestedhischinonherstomach,rightnearherbellybutton.“Anyotherrules?”
Mikashookherhead.“No.”
“Alright,”hesaid.“Butyoushouldknow,Ibelieveeverywomanshouldbetouchedthewayshewantstobe.”
HesaiditsoearnestlyMikameltedandfloppedbackward.“Goodanswer.Youmayproceed.”
Thomaslaughedandkissedherbelly.“How’sthis?”
Shegroundagainsthim.“That’sgood.”
Hekissedlower,trailingdownherstomach.“Howaboutthis?”
“Ah,goodtoo.”
Lowerstill.Hepulleddownherpanties,thensqueezedherthighs,tastingher.Herbreathscamefasterasthepressuremounted.
“Whataboutnow?”heasked,breathhotagainsthercore.Shecouldn’tanswer.Sherolledherhips,wantingtobecloser,seeking
release.

Finally,shecriedout.“Thomas.”
Hemovedupherbody,undoinghispants,pushingdownhisbriefs.
“Protection.Doyouhaveacondom?”Shehookedherlegsaroundhiswaistandrocked.
“Um,no.Idon’t.”Heranahandthroughhishair.“Shit.”
“Imighthavesome.Inthetopdrawer.”
Thomaswasoffherinaflash.Hepulledthedrawerout,knockingitoffitstracks.“Whyistheresomuchspandexinhere?”ItwasfromCharlie,thebikinggearshe’dneverreturned.“Got’em.”Hethrewtheclothingonthegroundandreturnedtothebed,littlefoilpacketinhishand.Hetorethewrapperopenwithhisteethandthenworkedthecondomon.Hesettledbackbetweenherlegsandkissedhersoftlyandlanguorously,sinkingdeepintoher.Shegroaned.Gasped.Pleasurerushedthroughher.Herhandsspannedhisback,rakedagainsthisflesh.Hishandsnakeddownbetweentheirbodies
andtouchedhercenter.Onhewentinamind-blowingrhythm.Hewaitedforhertounravelfirst.Shecamewithacry,with
hisnameonherlips.Thenhethrust,deeper,harder,buryinghimselfintoherneckwithashudder.

Whenitwasdone,Thomascollapsedbesideher.Thesheetsinatangledmessaroundthem.Shepulledthecoversuparoundher
limpbodyandstaredattheceiling.

Hishandfoundhersunderthecovers.Theylaythereforamoment.Waitingfortheirheartstostopracing.Fortheirbreaths
toslow.Fortheirmindstocatchupwiththeirbodies,torealizethebignessofthismoment.

“Holyshit,”hesaid,thumbcaressingtheinsideofherpalm.
“Yeah,”Mikasighed.
Heleaneduponanelbow,cuppedhercheek.Hethumbedherlips,andshekissedthetipofhisfinger.Hebentdown,mouth
brushinghers.Herfootslidupagainsthiscalf,hishanduphersidetocupherhip.Thomasfloppedback.“Water.Ineed
water.”HeclimbedfromthebedandwasslippingonhisboxerbriefswhenMikabarkedoutalaugh.

“Yourtattoo.”Sherolledtoherstomachandreachedforthebandofhisunderweartopullitdown.Thereitwas,anoutline
ofaT.rextryingtotiehisshoe.“Ithoughtyouwerejoking.”

“Amandoesn’tjokeabouthumiliatingtattoos,”hesaidover-seriously.Hekissedherquickonthelips.“Berightback.”
Bythetimehereturned,MikahadswitchedonthenightstandlightandpulledonherundiesplusalargeT-shirt.HehadafrostyglassofwaterandtookalongdrinkofitbeforehandingitofftoMika.Therewassomethingaboutsharingaglassofwaterwithhimthatwasevenmoreintimatethanwhattheyhadjustdone.
ThesoundofaphonebuzzingdrewThomas’sattention.Hefisheditoutofapocketinhisjeans.“Pennytexted.”Hisbrow
drewin.“Olivewasn’tfeelinggoodandwenthome.Shewantstoknowwhereweare.She’sgoingtocatchanUbertous.”

AllthewarmthbledfromMika.Outsidethehouse,acardoorslammed.Timeseemedtostop,thenhurdleforward,movingtoo
fast.“Didyoulockthefrontdoor?”sheasked,scramblingfromthebed.

“What?”Thomaswasbehindher.
Someoneknockedonthedoor.“Mika?Dad?Youinthere?IusedtheFindMyFriendsapp,”Pennysaidfromoutside.
ThomasandMikarushedtothedoor.Notfastenough.Theknobturned.Pennyentered,asmileplasteredonherface.“Hey,
Icaughtyou.Let’sgoeat.”Shepaused,tookthembothin—Thomasinhisunderwear,Mikatoo,inaT-shirt.Theystoodstock-still,
rabbitscaughtinasnare.Penny’ssmiledropped,herexpressionmorphingtoconfusion.“What’sgoingon?”shesaid,though
itwasevidentenough.Pennywasstillinherkimono,butherhairwasdown.Hermouthparted.Shecoveredhereyesandtwirled
away.“Ohmygod.Oh.My.God.Youguysarefucking?”

“Penny,language,”Thomassaidthroughhisteeth.
“Areyoukidding?”Pennyscoffedandtwistedbackaroundtoconfrontthem.Twobrightredsplotchesofangerappearedonher
cheeks.ShefocusedonMika.Herchintrembled,andMikaachedtocomforther.“Howcouldyoudothistome?”

Atthat,Mikawinced.Shedidn’tknowwhattosay.Whatcouldshesay?HowtomakesenseofthissituationsoPennymightunderstand.“Wedidn’tmeanto.Itjusthappened—”Itsoundedweakeventoherownears,beliedwhatMikafeltaboutthesituation,aboutThomas.Maybesheshouldamendit.Wewerekeepingourrelationshipasecretbecauseweweredoingwhatwethoughtwasbestforyou.Somehow,sheknewPennywouldtakethatthewrongway.Whatteenagerlikedtoheartheyweren’tadultenoughtohandlesomething?

“Penny,”Thomasinterjected.
Pennyturnedherfulldispleasureonherfather.“Anyoneintheworldandyouchooseher,mybirthmother?”

Thomasshookhishead.“Clearly,you’reangryrightnow,andthat’sunderstandable.Let’stalkaboutthis.”
Phoneinhand,Pennytappedsomethingoutonit.
“Penny,”Thomassaid.
“Un-fucking-believable,”shemutteredtoherself.
“Penny.Stop.Getoffyourphoneforaminute,”Thomasdemanded.Herananaggravatedhanddownhisface.“Penny,lookat
me.”

Finally,Pennyturned,hereyesnarrowedandpointedlikethesharpestdaggers.“Youknowwhat?Idon’treallyfeellikebeing
aroundeitherofyourightnow.”Herphonepinged.Sheputahandonthedoorandopenedit
Outside,acaridledatthecurbwithitswindowrolleddown.“Penny?YoucallforanUber?”amancalledout.
“Whereareyougoing?”Thomassteppedforward.“Penny,donotwalkoutthatdoor.”
Shelookedherfatherupanddown.“Orwhat?Whatareyougoingtodo?”
Thomaspaused,defeated.
“That’swhatIthought,”Pennyfiredbackassheslippedout,downthewalkway,andintothecar.MikaandThomascouldonly
watch,frozenasshezoomedoff.
ChapterThirty
Mikajumpedintoaction.“Wherearemykeys?”shesaid,searchingthelivingroom,behindthecouchcushions.Liftingupmagazines.
Knockingovertheoilpaintset.“I’mgoingafterher.Shit.”Theremotecontrolfellonherfoot,andshehoppedaround.

“Here.”Thomasliftedherkeysfromthecoffeetable.WhenMikareachedouttotakethem,hepulledback.
“Thomas,givememykeys.”Mikathrustherhandout.
“Stop.Takeadeepbreath,”Thomassaidsteadily.“Thinkaboutitforamoment.You’regoingtochaseher,andthenwhat?”
“I’mgoingtotalktoher,I’mgoingto…”Mikatrailedoff.Really,shehadnoidea.Herfirstinstinctwastochase.
She’dfigureoutwhattodowhenshecaughtPenny.Shakesomesenseintoher,maybe.Getdownonherkneesandbegforforgiveness,
morelikely.

Thomaswatchedher.“Givehersomespace.Sometimetocooldown.Nobodyisthinkingclearlyrightnow.”
Mikashookherhead.Itwentagainsthernaturalinstinct.“Idon’tknow—”
Thomasputdownthekeys.“Trustme.We’llwaitherout.”
Mikaconsideredhisadviceforamoment.Pennywouldcomehome.Kidsalwayscamehome.Didn’tthey?“Yeah.Okay.”
ThomaspulledMikaagainsthim,wrappingherinahug,andkissedthetopofherhead.Theytriedwatchingtelevision,somesitcom,butneitherofthemwasinthemoodtolaugh.ThomasleftmessagesforPenny.At9:00p.m.:Heykiddo,letmeknowifyou’rehomesafe.At10:00p.m.:Iknowthisisprobablyalottoprocess.Givemeacallwhenyou’reready.At10:45p.m.:LasttimeI’llcall,Ipromise.Iwon’thassleyouanymore.At11:00p.m.:Justshootmeatextandletmeknowyou’reokay.
Thomasputdownhisphone.“Pennyturnedofftheapponherphone,soIcan’tseewheresheis.ButUberdroppedheroffat
thedorms.”

“She’sprobablysleeping,”saidMikawithawansmile,injectingalltheconfidenceshedidn’tfeelintohervoice,trying
tokeepthebiteofworryoutofit.“She’sgoingtowakeuprefreshed,andthejokewillbeonusbecausewestayedupall
night.”

“Comehere.”Thomasheldanarmaloft,andMikalayherheadagainsthischest.Theydidtheirbesttostayawakebuteventually
dozedonthecouch,porchlightandlivingroomlightsstillblazing,justincasePennycameback.At2:00a.m.,theyjolted
awaketoThomas’sphoneringing.“Hello,”heansweredgroggily.

“Hello,isthistheparentorguardianofPenelopeCalvin?”adisembodiedvoicesaidontheotherend.
Thomasstraightened.“Thisisherfather.”
“MynameisDr.Nguyen,andI’maphysicianhereattheemergencyroomatSt.Vincent’shospital.”Mikadoubledover,aknife
twistinginherbelly.NotPenny.Herbaby.No.“WehavePenelopeherewithasuspectedcaseofalcoholpoisoning.”

“Sorry?What?”Thomassaid.
“Alcoholpoisoning,”herepeated.“We’dlikepermissiontotreatherwithIVfluids,oxygen,andpossiblyanasogastrictube.
Dowehaveyourconsent?”

“Yes,yes,ofcourse,youhavemyconsent.”
ThedoctorwentontogiveThomasmoreinformation.Thehospitalnameagain.WheretofindPenny.“She’sokay,though?”he
asked,desperationinhisvoice.

“Herfriendsdidtherightthingcallingtheparamedics.”
BythetimeThomashungup,Mikahadalreadyslippedonasweatshirtandwasreachingforherkeys.“I’lldrive.”
“Doyouknowwherethehospitalis?”Thomasbuzzedaround,puttingonshoes,grabbinghisbag.
“Yeah,you’vebeentherebefore.It’swherePennywasborn.”Mikaignoredtheskipinherpulse.Shehadn’tbeenbacktothe
hospitalsincethen.

Inthecar,Thomaswasunnaturallyquiet.Hishandsclosedintofists,thenopenedagain.“Pennywasdrinking?Whowouldgive
asixteen-year-oldgirlbooze?”

Alotofpeople,Mikathought.She’dspentafairamountoftimeshouldertapping—hangingoutsideofconveniencestoresandaskingolder
patronstobuybeerforherandHana—agefifteenon.Mikagrippedthesteeringwheel.Trafficwaslight,andtheywereflying
downthefreeway.Shedidn’tanswerThomas.Shecouldn’t.Shewastrappedinacycloneofprayers.TalkingtoPennyagain,
likeshehaddoneallthoseyearsagoafterPennywasbornandMikahadplacedherforadoption.Pleasebeokay.Areyouthere?Wakeup,Penny.Westillneedyou.
***
“PenelopeCalvin,”Thomassaidatthecheck-indesk,Mikabehindhim.Exhaustedanddisheveled,Thomaslookedasifhe’daged
twentyyearsinthelasttwentyminutes.“Shewasbroughtinanhourago.”They’dparkedandcomestraighttotheERwaiting
room.ToMika’srightwasamanwithanastybloodynoseandawomanholdingherarmandmoaning.

“Andwhatisyourrelationshiptothepatient?”thetiredwomanasked.TheslownessofhermovementsagitatedMikafurther.
Pennycouldbedyingrightnow.Pennycouldbesick.PennycouldbeaskingforMika.AfterMikahadgivenbirth,she’dthoughtaboutHiromiconstantly.Hadwantedhermothertoswoopin.Healheror,atthe
veryleast,holdher.

“I’mherfather,”ThomassaidatthesametimeMikasaid,“I’mhermother.”She’dneversaiditaloudbeforeIamhermother.Itfeltasmomentousasreachingthepeakofamountain.EvenmoresowhenThomasgaveherhandasqueeze.Thewomanasked
foridentification,andThomaspulledhiswalletfromhisbackpocketandflashedherhislicense.Mikadidthesame,fishing
hersfromherpurse.

Thewomanappraisedtheirlicensesandsaid,“Roomfive.”Shepressedabutton,andtheautomateddoubledoorsopened.Thomas
shovedhiswalletintohisbackpocket,andtheywerethroughthedoorsinseconds,countingthenumberedplaquesabovethe
rooms—eachlittlecubicleholdingalifeatitstippingpoint.Mikastoppedshortbetweenroomsfourandfive,whereafamiliar
figuresathunchedinaplasticchair—Devon.

“Hey,Mr.Calvin,Ms.Suzuki.”Devonstood,blockingMikaandThomasfromPenny’sroom.Hiseyeswerebloodshotandred-rimmed.“She’sokay.Thedocjustcameoutandsaidshe’sfine.Theydidn’thavetodothattubethingy.She’sinthebathroomcleaningup.”Heheldabaseballhatinhishandsandtwistedthebillbetweenhisfingers.“I’msosorry.Pennycamebacktothedorms,andshewassoupset.Shewantedtogotothisparty,andIwaslike,cool,okay.Collegeparty,youknow?”Herubbedahanddownhisface.“I’msorry,”hesaidagain.Thefaintestsmellofalcoholclungtohisbreath.Herstomachlurched.ShepicturedPennyataparty,redSolocupinhand.Sheshooktheimageaway,struggledtoremaincalm.Penny’sexperiencetonightwasn’tthesameasMika’shadbeenallthoseyearsagoatPeter’sapartment.“Ididn’tevenseehowmuchshewasdrinking,thenshepassedout,andIcouldn’tgethertoopenhereyes.”OfcourseDevonhadbeeninvolved.Becauseisn’ttherealwaysaboy?
“Youtookmysixteen-year-olddaughteroutdrinking?”Thomasaskedpointedly.
Devonpaled,andMikasoftened.Mostoftheboyssheknewinhighschoolranatthefirstsightoftrouble,butDevonseemed
likeagoodkid.He’dstayed,andthatwassomething.“I’msorry.Penny…she…whenshewantsherway…”Hehung
hishead.

Mikasteppedforwardandsaidgently,“Youcanprobablygohomenow,Devon.It’salreadybeenalatenightforyou.”Shelooked
upathim.“I’msurePennywillcallyou.Doyouhaveawaybacktothedorm?”

“Umyeah,okay.IcancallanUber.”Devonplacedhishatbackonhishead.“PennyknowsIwashere.Ireally…Ireally
careabouther.”

“Icantell,”Mikasaid.Shewantedtopathisarm.Tellhimhe’dbeendumbbutthatshewasgladPennyhadhim.He’ddone
therightthingintheend.“Haveagoodnight.”

Devonleft,andThomasshookhishead.“Whatwashethinking?Whatwasshethinking?”
Mikarubbedherhandstogether.“Idon’tknow.”Kidsdidstupidstuffallthetime.It’sinevitable,Mikathought,rememberingherselfasateen,howshe’dthoughtherselfinvincible.Whydidsomelessonshavetobelearned
thehardway?“Comeon,let’sgoseeher.”

ShefollowedThomasashelightlyrappedonthedoortoroomfive.“Kiddo,it’sme.”Heslippedinside,andMikasilently
followed.

Pennywasinbed,atrayofuneatenfoodinfrontofher,whitehospitalblanketpulleduptoherwaist,andgownon.Jesus,
itwasthesamepatternastheoneMikahadwornyearsago.Mikasawherselfatnineteeninthehospitalbed.TouchingPenny’s
babycheek,rubbinghernoseagainsthers.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Penny’svoicecameoutgravelly.Darkcircleshungunderhereyes.Herskinwaswaxyandpale.
Thomasclosedthedoorwithaclick.Heputhishandsonhiships.“Whatkindofquestionisthat?Wecametocheckonyou.”
“You’veseenme.I’malive,”Pennysaidandthenturnedtofacethewall.Intheensuingsilence,MikaandThomaslookedat
eachother,unsurewhattodo.Atrashcanwasinthecorneroftheroom,thekimonocrumpledinitlikeadoeshotdown.

Thomassteppedforward.“Thatwasstupidwhatyoudid,Penny.”
Pennyturnedbacktothemandrolledhereyes.Onetime,HirominearlyslappedMikafordoingthesame,flewatherlikea
Valkyriefromthesky.

Mikasighed.SheplacedahandonThomas’sarmandsteppedinfrontofhim.Mikaknewbetterthantoleadwithangernow.
Sheknewteenagers.Howstubborntheirbeautifulheartscouldbe.

“Youscaredus,”Mikasaidquietly.“Devonwasprettyfreakedouttoo.”Atthat,Pennywinced.Mikahadhitanerve.“Youcouldhavekilledyourself.”Mikadrewalittlecloser.“You’reupset.Andyouprobablyfeellikeshit,”sheadded,injectingsomelightnessintohertone.“Look,you’reangry,that’sclear.I’msorryaboutwhatyousaw.Itwasn’teverourintentionforyoutofindoutthatway.Wewantedtomakesureitwasseriousbeforewetoldyou.Please,Penny.”MikasatinachairnexttothehospitalbedandplacedherhandontopofPenny’s.
PennyeyedMika’shandanddisentangledherself.Thelinesofherbodydrewtense.“Whatdidyouthink?”sheasked,witha
hiss,withmenace.“Didyouthinkyoucouldsleepwithmydadandbecomemymom?Thatyoucouldreplaceher?Newsflash,I
hadamother.Shedied,”shesaid.

Mikablinked.
“Penny,”sheheardThomassay.
Mikaslowlystood.Shebroughtherhandtoherchestandrubbedwhereasuddenburningsensationblazed.“Oh,um…”She
staggeredbacktothedoor,herhandreachingfortheknob.AglanceatThomasshowedhismouthmoving,butMikacouldn’t
makeoutthewords.Itwasasifshewereunderwater,everythingmuted,blurry.“I’mjustgoingto…”shesaid.Shetilted
herchinupandfoundherselfinthecorridoroutsidePenny’sroom.Soundreturnedwiththevelocityofascream.Machines
beeped.Nurseschatteredaboutpatients.Acodegraycalledovertheintercom.ThearrowofPenny’swordspierceddeeper.
She’dcalledMikaanunderstudy.Notgoodenough.Inoneblindingmoment,allofMika’sfearswererealized.Itonlytook
secondstoobliteratesomeone,andPennyhaddonesowiththeairofaseasonedprofessional.

Theairaroundhersmelledlikestalecoffeeandantiseptic.Shehatedthescentofhospitals.HadeversincePennywasborn.Herhandsclenched,theairthinned,andMikastruggledtobreathe.Shewasdizzy,ill.Shestartedwalking.Hurriedoutside.Wheresheneededtobe.

Footstepsthunderedbehindher.“Mika,”Thomascalled.
Shebrokethroughthedoubledoors.Thenanotherset,untilfinally,shewasinthefreshair.Nightswerecoldduringthe
summerinPortland.Evencolderinthepredawnhours.Theskywasthatearlymorningcolorblue,abruisecaughtbetweennight
andday.

“Mika,stop,”Thomasdemanded.Hishandwrappedaroundherarm,andshewhirledtofacehim.Abovethem,astreetlampswarmed
withmoths.Hereleasedherandrubbedhishead.“Shit.Thatwasrough.She’sreallyangry.AngrierthanIthoughtshe’dbe…
I’msosorry,Mika.Shedidn’tmeanthat.”

“Ithinkmaybeshedid.Allofthis”—shegesturedatthespacebetweenthem,bloodrushingtohercheeks—“You,me,Pennyis
alot.”

Thomasstaredathisfeetandnodded.“Igetthat,butwecanfigureitout.”
Penny’swordsechoedinMika’searsIhadamother.Shedied.MikamayhavewantedPenny,butthatdidn’tmeanPennywantedMika.Thatshewasgoodenoughforher.She’dfuckedupPenny
likeHiromihadfuckedherup.Mikafoldedherarms,shieldingherstomach—anactofprotection.“Idon’tknowifwecan,”
Mikasaid,hervoicewavering.Shecouldn’tlookatThomas.Atwhatshewasabouttolose.“She’sright,youknow.Shedidhaveamother,onewholovedherandcaredforherforelevenyears.I’mnot…Ican’t…Ican’treplaceCaroline.
Wecan’tjustbecomesomekindofinsta-family.Itdoesn’tworklikethat.”

Mikafeltsmall,ateenageragain.Afoolishgirlwithfoolishdreams.Whathadshethought?ThatshecouldbePenny’smother,Thomas’slover—thattogethertheymighthealeachother?Shesawitclearlynow.PennyandThomaswerelookingforsomething,someonetoguidethemfromthedarknessoftheirgrief.Itcouldhavebeenanyone.Byarandomtwistoffate,ithadbeenMika—they’dcollidedatpivotalpointsintheirlives.Shedidn’tbelongwiththem.Theydidn’tbelongtoher.ThomasandPennywereaworlduntothemselves,andMikahadjustbeenatourist.
Thomaspaced.“Penny’supsetnow,butsheneedstimetoadjusttotheidea,”hesaidinarush.“She’llgetoverit.She’s
ateenager.Theychangetheirmindsallthetime.”

Mika’sstomachplummeted.“Thomas…Idon’tthink…Idon’tthinkthisisgoingtowork.”
Ashadowcrossedhisface.“Don’tsaythat.”Hisphonechimed,andheignoredit.
Mikainhaledadeepbreathandexhaledslowly.Youdon’tdeserveher,avoicewhisperedinherhead.Youdon’tdeservehim.Them.“Lookatus.Whereweare.We’reatthehospital.Pennycouldhavediedtonight.She’snotreadyforanyofthis.”Hisphone
chimedagain.“That’sprobablyPenny,”Mikasaidwithatiltofherchin.Sheswallowedpastthethicknessinherthroat.
“Youshouldgobewithher.Sheneedsyounow.”

“Alright,”Thomassaid.Amuscletickedalonghisjaw.Heheldouthishand.“Let’sgo.”
Mikashookherhead.“No.Justyou.Mypresencewillonlyupsethermore.Andonthatnote.”Shepaused,peeredupatthe
sky,knowingtherewasoneimmutablefact.PennywasbetteroffwithoutMikainherlife.Itwastimetoquietlybowout.
“Ithink…Ithinkit’sbestifwedon’tseeeachotheranymore.”

“Mika,”hesaidhotly.“Don’tdothis.Notaftereverythingwe’veshared.Please.”
“It’salreadydone,”shesaid.Nowshestaredatherfeet,afraidtofaceThomas,theworld.Howmanytimesdidsomeonehavetobeslappedbeforetheystayeddown?
Hisphonechimedagain.“Penny’sbeingdischarged,”hesaid.“Ineedtogosignsomepaperwork.”
Mikanoddedmutely.“Ofcourse,go,”shesaid.“Here.”Sheliftedherhandswithherkeys.“Youcantakemycar.Idon’tthink
Pennywantstoseeme.I’llcatchacaborsomethingbackhome.Thenjustletmeknowwheretopickitup.”

Thomasdidn’tmove.Agonizingsecondspassed,then,“I’llmanagetransportation,”hesaidflatly.
“Okay.”Shebroughtherkeysbackclosetoherbody.
Hewatchedherforamoment.Waited.Whensherefusedtospeak,hegroundoutacursewordandpacedaway.Thomasgone,Mika
stumbledbackontoanearbybench,squeezedhereyesshut,inhaledthenexhaled,andopenedthem
Thisareaofthehospitalwasfamiliar.
Shewasoutsideofthematernitywardwhereshe’dgivenbirth,whereshehadwaitedwithHanaaftersurrenderingPenny,unable
tomakethosefinalstepstothebus.WhenshethoughtshemightdiefromgriefwithoutPenny,onlytorealizethatthere
aresomethingsworsethandeath.Sixteenyearshadpassed,andshe’dwounduphereagain.Bellschimed.Thesameonesshe’d
heardwhenPennyhadbeenborn.Timedidmoveinacircle.

EverysensationinMika’sbodyheightened.Somethingcrackedinsideofher.Fusionfailing.Icarusfalling.Sheheardphantom
voices,andmemoriessuckedherdownintoawhirlpool.

HiromiscrewingupherfaceatMika’sdrawing.Whoisthatsupposedtobe,yourfriend?Youmadeherfacetoofull.Shelooksfat.
HerartcrumplinginMarcus’shand.What’syourstory?
Peter’shandoverhermouth.
You’redoingsogood.Mrs.Pearson,asMikasignedtheadoptionpaperwork.

Doyouwanttoholdheronelasttime?Hanaasking,adjustingthehatonPenny’shead.

Memoriessurgedforward,floodingthearchitectureofhermind.Shewasdrowning.Gaspingforair.Everythingconverged.Her
past,herpresent.IsthisMikaSuzuki?Didyougiveababyupforadoption?Pennysweet,thensoacidic.Ihadamother.Shedied.Mikashouldhaveknownbetter.Sheshouldhaveknownthingswouldendlikethis.Whatdoyouknowaboutraisingababy?Hiromihadsaid.

Shebuckledover,sobbingintoherhands,intothequietmorning,wishingtheearthmightabsorbher.Shetookoutherphone
andlookedupPearlJam’sschedule.ShewantedHana.Shewantedtobeawayfromhere.There,PearlJamwasplayinginEugene.
Shestumbledbacktohercar,startedtheengine,anddrove.Fightorflightisanaturalresponse,Suzanne,hercounselor,hadsaidwhenMikaexplainedhowshehadrunfromPeter’sapartment.WhatPeterhaddoneturnedMika
intoherbasestself,sheexplained.Yourmindcouldn’tprocessanything.Yourbodytookover.It’showyoustayedsafe,shehadsaidIt’showMikastayedalive.
ChapterThirty-One
HalfwaytoEugene,Mikapulledoveratareststop.Guesswho’scomingtoseeyou?shewrotetoHana.Thelightnessofthemessagebeliedthedarknesscreepingin.

Hanatextedtwohourslater,justasMikareachedtheoutskirtsofthecity.WTF.You’recomingtoEugene?
Mikaparkedunderanoverpass,pressedtheheelofherpalmstohereyes.Hercarshookfromthesemispassingoverhead.Correction,IaminEugene.Hotelname,please.
Shecuppedherkneesandsqueezed,waiting.Atlast,Hanasentamaplinkalongwithamessage.I’llbeinthelobby.
***
MikaswungthroughtheglassturnstileoftheswankiesthotelinEugene.Truetoherword,Hanawaswaiting,armscrossed,
tappingherfingersagainstherbicep.

“Hi!”Mikasmiled,butsheimaginedherexpressionappearedoff.Shefeltoff.Asifshewerefallingfromagreatheight
andcoulddonothingtostopit.

“Hi,”Hanasaidcarefully.“Thisisasurprise.”
Itwasmorning,seveno’clock,andmostlyfamiliesmilledaroundtheposhlobby.Mikainhaled.Itsmelledlikecitrus,much
betterthantheantisepticatthehospital.“Iknow.Ijustthought,whatthehell?!ImissHana.”

“Uh-huh.”Hanaeyedherskeptically.“So,youdroppedeverythingonaSundayatfivea.m.todrivehere?”
“Exactly.Isn’tthisfun?Iwantadrink.Let’sgetadrink.”Mikascannedthelobbyforthebar.
“It’ssevena.m.,barsareclosed.”
“Minibar?”Mikafeltverysmart.Shehadasolutionforeverything.
Hanalookedattheceiling.“Alright,”shesaid.“ButmostlybecauseIdon’tthinkyoushouldbeinpublicrightnow.”
Hana’shotelroomwassleekandmodern,withaking-sizebed,alittletable,andfloor-to-ceilingwindowsoverlookingamuddy
river.Mikaappreciatedtheviewforalloftwosecondsbeforefindingthemini-fridge,cleverlyhiddeninadresser.She
grabbedthefirstlittlebottleshesaw,uncapped,anddrankitdown.Whiskey.Shewipedhermouthwiththebackofherhand.
Herthroatburned,andshelikedit,thewayitdistractedherfromthepaininhersoul.

“Igottasay.”Hanaleanedagainstawall.“You’renotexactlygivingmewarm,stablevibeshere.”
“You’retellingme.”Mikadidn’tfeelstable.Shefeltveryunstable,asamatteroffact.Asifshewerebalancingonbrokenbranches.Shewentbacktothefridge.Anotherlittlebottleofwhiskeydownthehatch.Shouldsheeatsomething?No.Crazytalk.Thatmightruinherbuzz.
Hanamovedacrosstheroomandwithdrewabottleofwaterfromthefridge.“Atleastsipitbetweenshots.”
“Thanks.”Mikatookahealthydrinkofthewater.Outofwhiskey,shemovedontovodka.Itwasagoodbrand,evenbetter
whenmixedwithcranberry,butMikashotitstraight.

Hanasatontheedgeofthebed.“Areyougoingtotellmewhathappened?Ihaven’tseenyoulikethissincefreshmanyear
incollege.”

Mikahithernose.“Ding,ding,ding.Yougotit!Whathappened?Ifuckedupagain.That’swhathappened.Isn’tthereasaying
aboutthepastrepeatingitself?”Theboozestartedtotakeeffect.Herstomachwarmed.Herlimbsnumbed.That’swhatshe
wanted:tofeelnothing,likeshehadthelastsixteenyears—itwasmuchsaferthisway.Backtothemini-fridge.Another
vodka?Tequila?Whynot.

“Mika,”Hanasaidcalmly.“Mika!”Sheclappedherhands.
Mikatiltedherhead.“What?”
“Sit,”HanacommandedasifMikawereadog.
Mikacrumpledtothefloorneartheminibar.Bettertostayclose.Thattequilawasn’tgoingtodrinkitself.Shereached
forit.

“No!”Hana’shandwrappedaroundMika’swrist.How’dshemovedsofast?OrwasMikajustmovingveryslowly?“Nomoreuntil
youtellmewhat’sgoingon.”

Hanashutthemini-fridge,andMikaleanedagainstthedresser,pullingherlegsintoherchesttohugthem.“Isleptwith
Thomas,andPennycaughtus.”Shepausedforemphasis.“Inourunderwear.”

“Yikes.”Hanasankdowntothefloor,sittingacrossfromMika.
“Itgetsworse.”
“Howmuchworse?”
“I’dlikeanotherdrink.”
“Nomoreuntilyoutellmethewholestory.”
Foramoment,MikapoutedbutthenexplainedhowsheandThomashadkissedawhilebackathishotel.Howthey’dagreedto
keeptheirbuddingrelationshipasecret.Howtheydidn’twanttomakePennyworryovernothing,bettertowaituntilthere
wassomething—untiltheyweresomething.Howthenexttimetheywerealone,they’dfallenoneachotherlikeloversreunitedafterwar.ThenPenny
hadwalkedin,facetwistinginanger.“Westayedupandfellasleeponthecouch.”ShethoughtofrestinginThomas’sarms.
Throughtheirmutualworry,everythingstillfeltlikeitwouldbeokaythen.“Pennywentoutdrinking,Iguess.”Itoccurred
toMikashewasdoingthesamethingPennyhad.Drowninghersorrows.Butsheshovedthecomparisonaway.Shewasthirty-five,
notsixteen.Shecoulddowhateverthefuckshewanted.“SheendedupintheERforalcoholpoisoning.Wewenttoseeher
and…shewassoangry.Shesaidsomeawfulthings.”Ihadamother.Shedied.Mika’sbloodrancold,rememberingthevenominPenny’swords.

Mikafloppedherheadbacktostareattheceiling.“IhadPenny.”Mika’shandsopenedandclosed.“Aftersixteenyears,I
hadher,andIdidtheonethingcertaintodriveheraway.Iknewitwasarisk,andIdiditanyway.”Mikashouldhaveknown.
Ifyoutouchedthesun,yougotburned.Sherubbedhereyeswiththeheelsofherhands.“WhydidIthinkIcouldhavearelationship
withPennyandThomas?I’msostupid.”

“Waitaminute,”Hanasaidwithafrown.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Lookatmylife,Hana.Lookatwhatafuckingmessitis.LookwhatafuckingmessPenny’sandThomas’slivesarenow.Youknowwhatthecommondenominatoris?Me.”Shejammedathumbtoherchest.She’dmadehermothermiserabletoo.IfHiromididn’thaveMika,adaughtertosupport,wouldshehavestayedinJapan?Livedthelifeshewanted?Allsignspointedtoyes.
“Okay,I’llgiveyouthesituationisnotideal.”Hanastretchedoutherlegs,crossingthemattheankles.“It’scomplex,
that’sforsure,andyouandThomasdidn’tthinkthingsthroughentirely.But,honey,doyoureallybelieveyousomehowengineered
this?Thatyouhavethestrengthtoruineverything?”

Mikanoddedmutely.
“Please,”Hanasnorted.“Youarefarlesspowerfulthanyouthink.”
Mikajuttedoutherchin.“Itdoesn’tmatter.”
“Itdoesmatter,”Hanastressed.“Whatisityouwanthere?YouwantThomas?YouwantPenny?”
Whatisityouwant?Thomashadaskedherthesamething.Thenshe’dkissedhim.Becauseshe’dwantedto,butalsotoavoidthequestion.Toavoid
beinghonestwithherself.“IwantPenny.IwantThomastoo.Andmorethanthat…”Sheballedherhandsintofists,slammed
themagainstherknees.“Iwanttobehappy,andIdon’twanttobeafraidanymore.”Shethoughtofthesetofoilpaints
discardedonthelivingroomfloor.Whatwillyoudowithanartdegree?hermotherhadsaid.Andsoonafter,MikahadmetMarcus.Atthetime,Mikasawthisserendipityasarewardforstandinguptohermother.ButwhenMarcusbroughtPeterintoherlife,itbecameapunishmentinstead.Fordisregardinghermother,forgoingagainstherwishes.Howcouldshenothaveseenthosetwothingsasbeinglinkedbefore?Everythingthathadhappenedtoherhadreaffirmedwhathermotherhadalwaystoldher.Thatshewasn’tworthy.Thatifshetriedtofly,shewouldfall.Bettertostayontheground.
“Tellmeabouttheafraidpart,”Hanasaidgently.
AdeepachepulsatedthroughMika.“Don’tyoueverfeellikelifehaspassedyouby?Don’tyoueverthinkaboutwhenwewere
inhighschool?Howeverythingseemedsocertainandthen…Idon’tknow.Ijusthadtherugpulledfromunderneathme,
Hana.AndI’msoafraiditwillhappenagain.”Tolovewastohurt.Tolivewastohurt.Andithadhappenedagain.Mikacurled
herfingersintothecarpet.

“Idon’tfeelthatway.ButIseehowyoucan.”
“SometimesIwishIcouldgobackintime,butthatmeanswishingawayPenny,andI’dnever…Butitalljusthurtsso
much.WhenIreconnectedwithher,itfeltlikeasecondchance.Atfirst,IjustwantedtoknowthatIdidn’tfuckherup
toomuch,butthenshewantedtoknowme.Tobewithme.Itallfeltsogoodbeingapartofherlife.”AsifMikahadbeen
reincarnated.Suddenly,itfeltlikeherlifedidn’thavetobeatrainrushingby.

“Youcan’trelyonothersforyourself-worth,”Hanasaid.“Thathastocomefromwithin.”Shemovedtoherkneesandsat
directlyinfrontofMika.ShecuppedMika’scheeks.“Doyoubelievethat?”

MikalookedanywherebutinHana’seyes.Hanasqueezedhercheeksalittletoohard.“Ow,”saidMika.
“Eyesonme,drunkie.Iwantyoutorememberthis.Youdeservetoexist.Youdeservetotakeupspace.Youdeservetohavethethingsyouwant.”SheletgobutthenpressedahandtoMika’schest.“Iseeyou.Allthathunger,totravel,topaint,it’sstillinsideyou.It’sgnawingawayatyou,andI’mafraidofwhatit’sgoingtodotoyouifyoukeepitalltoyourself.Youcan’tgoback.Youcannevergoback.Butyoucandecidehowyouwanttomoveforward.”
Mikadidn’tallowHana’swordstosinkin.Thewoundwasstilltooraw,festeringandopen.“Whathappenedtome?”sheasked
meekly.

“Lifekickedtheshitoutofyou.”
Mikanodded.“MaybeI’llcomeontourwithyouafterall.”
Hanasatback.“No.I’mnotlettingyou.You’vestartedbuildingsomethinginPortland.”Shetuggedonherear.“Plus,Josephine
iscomingtonight.AndImeanthisinthenicestwaypossible,butyou’rekindofatwatblock.”

Mikagiggled,thenhiccupped.“Twatblock?”
“Beaverdam?”Hanascrunchedhernose.“Anybetter?”
“Muchbetter,”saidMika.“CanIdrinkmorenow?”
“No.”Hanacrawledtoherfeet.SheremovedMika’sshoes,helpedherpeelthesweatshirtfromhershoulders.“Now,youcan
sleep.Ihavetogotorehearsal.”

Mikastood,swayingalittle.Herheadpounded,tearsandalcoholanastycombination.Sleepdidsoundgood,though.“Maybe
atinynap.”Mikapinchedherfingerstogetherandstumbledtothebed.Sheslippedunderthecovers,anditwaslikebeing
onacloud.

Hanatuckedherin.“Youcanshowerandborrowsomeclotheswhenyouwakeup.Butdon’tusemytoothbrush.Callthefront
deskandaskforone.”

“Poo,”Mikasaid.“Youusesomeone’stoothbrushonce…”
“Boundaries.Everygoodfriendshiphastohaveboundaries.”HanasqueezedMika’sfeetoverthecovers.
“Loveyourface,”Mikasaid,snugglingin.
Hanaclosedthecurtains,clickedoffthelights.Theroomwascoolanddark.“Loveyourface,”shesaidback.Thedoorshut,
andMikadriftedofftosleep.
ChapterThirty-Two
Mikasleptforfivehours.Sheawokegroggyanddisoriented.Forawhile,shelayinthedark,listeningtoherownbreathing.
Countingtherisesandfallsofherchest.Finally,sherose,andopenedthecurtains.Itwasearlyafternoon.Thesunshone,
reflectingintheripplingwateroftheriver.Firstthing,shemadeherselfacupofcoffee,thenrifledthroughHana’ssuitcase
forcleanclothes.Sheusedherfingertobrushherteeth.Thenateaburgerandanicecreamsundaeinthehotelrestaurant.

Inhercar,shetextedHana.Goinghome.Thankyou.BTWIchargedmyfoodtoyourroom.Ifiguredyou’dwanttotreatme.
OutsideofEugene,Hanawroteback.Gladyoustillhaveyourappetite.Anothertextcamethroughcloseontheheelsofthefirst.Justremember,peopledieinthewoodsbecausetheywon’tchangedirection.
Mikamadethetwo-hourdriveinanhourandforty.Shepulledupoutsideherhouseandgroaned,seeingafamiliarcarparked
inthedriveway.Hermother’soldHonda.Hiromiwasinthedriver’sseat.Atextcamethroughonherphone.ItwasThomas.
I’mtakingPennyhome.BacktoDayton.Ourflightleavesinacouplehours.Justwantedyoutoknow.
Mikabitherlip.Thanks.IsPennyokay?
Heansweredrightaway.She’sfine.Herattitudeneedssomeadjusting,though.CanIcallyouwhenwegetin?Thomasasked.I’dliketocontinueourconversation.
HiromiclimbedfromhercarandwatchedMikathroughthewindshield.Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea,saidMika.

That’sitthen?Thomasasked.

Fornow,shesaid,amendingittoforeverinherhead.

Shelaidherphonedownandrubbedhereyes.DespiteherconversationwithHana,everythingstillseemedso..fucked.Finally,sheopenedhercardoor.“Mom,whatareyoudoinghere?”shesaidtoHiromiinEnglish.Sheduckedintotheback
seattoretrievethedirtyclothesshe’dexchangedforHana’scleanones.

Sheturned,andHiromistaredatherwithherblackbuttoneyes.“Now,youdon’tspeakJapaneseanymore?”
Mikashruggedandbypassedhermother,handsfistedaroundherwrinkledshirtandpants.Hiromifollowedherupthewalkway
andintothehouse.Mikadumpedthelaundryontothecouch.Hiromi’snosetwitchedandshewanderedintothekitchentostare
outintothebackyard.“Itoldyouthattreeneedstobewatered.”Theleavesonthemaplehadcurledinandturnedbrown.
TherewassomeironyinHiromipointingoutthatwhenyouneglectsomething,refusetonourishit,itdies.

Mikastoppedandfacedhermother,handsonherhips.Sheheldherselfrigidasifpoisedontheedgeofacliff.“Isthere
areasonyou’rehere?”

Hiromi’sbrowfurrowed.“Icametopickupthekimono.IcalledyouandPenny.Nobodyansweringmycalls,”shesaid,hergrammar
slipping.She’dneverallowedherjawtosoftenfortheEnglishlanguage,anditmadeMikafurious.

Mikascrubbedahanddownherface.“Great.I’llgetit.”Inherroom,shegrabbedthekimono.Holdingitabeat,shestaredattherumpledsheets.RememberingThomas.Hisbody.Howshe’drespondedtohim.ThewayPennyhadspokentoheratthehospital.Herheartcrackedalittlemore.Whenwoulditbecomeirreparable?“IwenttoEugenetovisitHana.AndPennyisgoingbacktoOhio.”ShehandedHiromithekimono.
“Why?”Hiromifrowned.Shetookthekimono,rubbingherthumbsagainstthecotton.“Herprogramdoesn’tendforanotherweek.
WehadplansforWednesday.Iwasgoingtomakesukiyaki.”

Mikaignoredhermother.“ThekimonoPennywaswearinggotruined.I’llpayyoubackforit.”Mikawalkedtothedoorand
openeditwide—aninvitationforhermothertoleave.Pleasegorightnow.
Hiromididn’tbudge,kimonoclutchedtoherchest.“Whathappenedtotheotherkimono?WhyisPennyleaving?”
ThelastbranchthatMikahadbeenbalancingonsnapped.“Ifyoumustknow,Pennywenttoapartylastnightanddranktoo
much.Shewoundupinthehospitalandneededtobetreatedforalcoholpoisoning.”

“Whydidyoulethergotoaparty?Youshouldbeatthehospitalwithher.”Hiromishookherhead,thenhereyebrowsslammed
down.“Whatdidyoudo?”

OfcourseHiromiblamedMika.Mikadroppedherhandfromthedoor,leavingitopen.Letthewholeneighborhoodhear.Shedidn’t
care.Shewasdonebeingsilent.She’dhadit.“WhyisitthatyouthinkIdidsomething?Becauseit’salwaysmyfault,right?DoesitevenmattertoyouhowmuchithurtgivingPennyupforadoption?”
Mikarememberedthebench,thematernityward,thesmellofantiseptic.

Hiromishookherhead.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutthis.”
Hermothermovedtogo,butMikablockedherwithanarmacrossthedoor.“Wenevertalkaboutanything!”shesaidsharply.Tearsstartedtoleakdownherface.Sheadvancedonhermother,whobackedup.“AndIthinkthat’stheproblem.So,let’stalkaboutit.HowIgaveababyupforadoption.HowIwasbymyselfinthehospital.HowIwasraped.”ShestilledandapangshotthroughMika’sabdomen.Thewordhungintheairbetweenthem,droppedtotheground,andranloose.Hervoicesoftened.“Didyouknowthat?Iwasraped,”shesaidagain,anditfeltgood.Maybethesecretsshekeptwerereallylies.Liesshetoldherself.Liesshetoldhermother.Nobodyhaseverhurtme.Youhaveneverhurtme.
Hiromi’seyesglitteredwithasheenofliquid.Shewasquicktoblinkitaway.“Sowhat?Badthingshappenallthetime.
Youneedtomoveon.Forgetaboutit.Ididn’twanttoleaveJapan,butIdid.”HerwordsmadeMikaflinch.Itwasexactly
howshefearedhermothermightreactifsheevertoldherthetruth.Chinup.Don’tbeavictim.“Whyareyoutellingmeallthis?”shefinished.

“Idon’tknow,”Mikasobbed,thenquieted.“Idon’tknow.IguessIwantedtotellyou.”Neededtolayherburdensdown.“I
guessIwantedyoutolovemethroughit.”

Hiromiscoffed.“So,it’sfinenow.Youhaveagoodjob.YouhavePenny.Youalwayscomplain.Nothingisevergoodenough
foryou.”

Mikalaughed.Thatwasrich.“Nothingisevergoodenoughforyou.”Shepointedathermother.“Andit’snotfuckingfine.”Mikawipedathercheeks.Shestaredathermother.Atthewoman
whogaveherlife.AtthewomanwhospentyearsandyearsmakingMikadoubtherself.Hiromi.Mother.Creator.Destroyer.“You
neverbelievedinme.”TobeHiromi’sdaughter,thenagirlraped,feltasifmovingfromoneprisontoanother.Isthatwhat
happenedtogirls?Wasthistheirlives?Skippingfromonecagetoanother?

Hiromi’swallswerebackinplace.Mikacouldpracticallyseethebricksinhereyes.Impenetrable.They’dneverunderstandeachother.“Youneverbelievedinyourself,”Hiromisaid.
Silencethen,heavyandthick.Theroomdimmedwithacloudpassingoverthesun.Howdoesthisend?Mikawondered.Nothowshewanteditto.ShethoughtofCarolinedressingPennyinclothesthatmatchedherown.OfHiromi
forcingMikatotakedancelessons.Howmothersseetheirdaughtersasechoes,asdo-overs,asyoungerversionsofthemselves
whomighthavethelifetheydidn’torhavethesamelifeastheydid,butbetter.Butchildrenaren’tsecondchances,Mikarealizedwithastart.ItwasunfairforHiromitobelieveherdesiresshouldliveinsideMika.Childrenaremadeto
takeaparent’sloveandpassitalong.

“I’msorryIcouldn’tbethedaughteryouwanted,”Mikasaid,hervoicethinandweak,butinsideshefeltarelease.Adam
breaking.Thelasttethertohermother’sapprovalfinallysnapping.She’dhadanunrealisticexpectationofwhatamother
shouldbe,afantasy.Butnomore.Fromnowon,she’dstopaskingherselfwhatwaswrongwithher.“Now,ifyoudon’tmind.
Ihavetoworktomorrow.”Mikasteppedaway,unblockingthedoor.

Hiromihesitated,then,headdown,sheleft.Mikashutthedoorsoftlybehindher.Shemovedthecurtainandwatchedthrough
thewindowashermothergotintohercarandpulledaway.ThenMikashiftedthecurtainsback,closingthemcompletely.She
lockedthedoorandslumpedagainstit.Hergazefocusedonthecouch,ontheoilpaintspushedunderneathit.Shecrawled
overandfishedthemout.Openingthepackage,sheunscrewedacapandputalittledabofyellowochreonherfinger,rubbing
itbetweenherthumbandpointer.Sheroseup.Itfeltasifaspellhadbeenlifted.Thetruthwasout.AndMikastillstood.
ChapterThirty-Three
Shesleptagain,anditwasdeepandquiet—still,clearwater.Whensheawoke,theoilpaintswereonthecoffeetablewhere
shehadleftthem.Shestaredatthemforamoment,rumpledandgroggy-eyed.Herstomachgrowled.ButMikaignoredthehunger.
Somethingelsewouldfeedhermore.

Itwaslate,nearclosingtime,whenMikaenteredArtEmporium.Ayoungguywithagoateesatatthecounteronastool.He
liftedhisheadfromabatteredcopyofICapturetheCastletowelcomeherin.

Shegrabbedacartandstartedfillingit.Aneasel.Palette.Varnish.Canvas.Primer.Brushes.Shealreadyhadasetofoils
andbypassedthose.Shefrozeinfrontofthesolvents.Turpentine.Eventhoughthebottleswerecapped,thesmellofpineresinfaintlypermeatedtheair.Shegagged.Toosoon.Allshesaw
wasPeter.Allshefeltwashishandoverhermouth.

“CanIhelpyou?”Itwastheguyfromthefrontdesk.
Onthelowestshelfwasabottleofmineralspirits.Sheuncappeditandsmelledit.Akerosene-likeodorwaftedup.Better,
buttoostrong.Notright.

“Ugh,you’renotsupposedtoopenthat.Don’tyouseethelabelthatsaysuseinawell-ventilatedarea?”theguysaid.Mikaputthecapbackon,pickedupanothermineralspiritsbrand,uncappedit,andsniffed.Thesame.Shouldhavefigured.“Whatareyoudoing?”Theguyinchedcloser,handsup.She’dseenapoliceofficerdosomethingsimilaronceonthetrain,approachingahomelessmanwho’dremovedallhisclothes.
Sheregardedhim,bottleinhand.“IthinkI’vebeenignoringthepuzzlepiecesofmypast,notrealizingtheywerethekeys
tomyfuture.”

Theguytonguedhischeek.“Riiight,”hesaid,inatoneoneusedwhenbeingcarefularoundsomeone.Hedidn’tneedtoworryaboutMika,though.

“WhatothersolventscanIusebesidesturpentineandmineralspirits?”Mikashovedthemineralspiritsbackontheshelf.
“LavenderSpikeOil,topshelf.”Hepointedup.“It’smoreexpensivethanturpentine,soweonlykeepacouplebottlesin
stock.”

Mikastoodonhertiptoes.Herfingertipsbrushedthebottle,justoutofreach.
Theguysteppedforward.“Wantsomehelp?”
“No,thanks.”Mikagavealittleleap,knockingthebottleofftheshelfandintoherhands.“I’mhelpingmyself.”Shesmiled
victoriously.“Ithinkthat’sallIneed.”Hercartwasfull.Herheartwasfull.She’dforgottenhowmuchjoyshefoundin
artsupplies.Theexcitementwasbuildingtocreatesomethingnew.

Theguyrangherup.Whenshesawthetotal,shehadtosteptothesideandtransfermoneyfromhersavings.“Sorry.”She
handedoverherdebitcard.

Heswipedit.“It’scool.Wegetalotofweirdartisttypesinhere,”hesaid,misunderstandingherapology.Behindhimwas
awallofquotesfromfamousartists.artwashesawayfromthesoulthedustofeverydaylife,PabloPicasso.artisnotwhatyousee,butwhatyoumakeotherssee,EdgarDegas.paintingisself-discovery.everygoodartistpaintswhatheis,JacksonPollock.youuseaglassmirrortoseeyourface;youuseworksofarttoseeyoursoul,GeorgeBernardShaw.

“Thanks.”Shegatheredherartsuppliesandshovedthemintothebackseatofhercar.Thedaywasending,butshefeltas
ifshewasjustbeginning.Beingreborn.Herfinalstopwasthegrocerystore.Coffee,sheneededcoffee.Shebarreledthrough
RareEarth,anorganicgrocerystorethatstockedwildsardinesandnothing
“Mika?”
Shestopped,lookedup.Afamiliarblondgiantstoodrubbinghisshoulder.“Leif.”
“Thoughtyouhatedthisstore,”hesaid,basketinhand.Theyusedtoshopherewhentheydated.Toolate,Mikaremembered
thiswasthestorewhereLeifhadaskedthecashiertomanuallytypeinthebarcodessolaserswouldn’ttouchhisfood.“You
okay?”heasked,appraisingher.“Haven’tseenyousincethegalleryopening.”Wheneverythinghadgonewrong.

“Yeah.”ShestaredatLeif,contemplatingherrelationshipwithhim.Whathadhappenedtothem?“Thanksagainforhelping
meout.Youdidn’thaveto.”

“OfcourseIhadto,”hesaidsimply.“Icareaboutyou,Mika.”
Shestaredatherfeet.“Icareaboutyoutoo.I’msosorryforeverything.”Shegesturedathimwiththebagofcoffee.“Fornotsupportingyourdreams,formessingupsomuch…”Sherealizednowthekeytostayingsafehadbeennevertotakeanotherriskagain.Tonotfallinlove.Tonothopeforanythingbeyondthenexttwenty-fourhours.Itwassuchafreedomtohavedreams.AndonesheresentedLeiffor.
Hesnorted.“Youthinkyou’rethefuckuphere?Iwashighallthetime,unhappywithmyself,whereIwasinlife.Itwasn’t
justyou,Mika.Wewerebothstuck.”

Mikanoddedandswallowed.“IshouldhavetoldyouaboutPenny.”Sheshouldhavelethimin.She’dnevergivenLeifachance.
NeverofferedLeifwhatshehadofferedThomas.Neverbeencompletelyhonestwithhim.Shehadkeptapartofherselffrom
Leif.Herpregnancy.Theadoption.Shehadevenfakedherorgasms.She’dlearnedfromhermotherthatforarelationshipto
work,youmustsublimateyourself.Don’tbeangry.Don’tbesad.Mikahadbeenconditionedtokeepthepeace,tobesilent.
She’dneverbeenauthenticwithhim.Shesawitclearlynow.Shehadbeentoolockedupinhermother’sdisapproval,tooafraid
tolethimseetherealher.Howcouldyouacceptsomeone’sloveifyoudidn’tbelieveyouwereworthyofit?

Someonepassedthemintheaisle,andtheyshuffledtothesidetomakeway,leaningagainstarowofcerealboxes.“Iloved
you,Mika,”Leifsaidquietly.“Butsometimes…”Hesighedandpressedon.“Sometimes,that’snotenough.Weneededto
dootherthings,beotherpeople.Bewithotherpeople.”

Whathesaidwastrue.Standingstilltogetherhadbeenbetterthanbeingalone.Butithadn’tmovedthemforward.Ifanything,
ithadheldthemback.“Weshouldhavehadthisconversationwaybeforenow,”Mikasaid.“You’reagreatperson,Leif.Iwish
younothingbutthebest.”

“Ditto.”
“Friends?”Sheextendedherhand.
Hetookitandshook.“Friends.”
***
Oncehome,Mikadumpedthecoffeegrindsintothepotandsetittobrew.Thenshemovedthecouchandcoffeetableagainst
thewall.Withherteeth,shesplitopentheplasticonthedropclothandspreaditonthefloor.Next,shesetuptheeasel,
placingaprestretchedcanvasonit.Shestaredatitforamoment.Isthereanythingmoreterrifyingthanablankcanvas?
SheslippedapieceofvinecharcoalfromitsboxandsawherselfsixteenyearsagoinMarcus’sclassroom.Thestoryisyourpower.Shedidn’thesitatewiththefirstlineorthesecond.Shegaveintothewant.Witheverystroke,shecoaxedthelifeshe
wantedoutofhiding.Theywerestillthere.Allherdreams.They’dbeenstuckinacornerinthedark,afraidtostepout
intothelightagain.Afraiditmightburnorhurt.Butthatwasthepoint,wasn’tit?Tofeel,toletthewoundbetouched,
andknowyou’dsurvive.Fortheveryfirsttimeinaverylongtime,Mikawasaliveagain.Living.Anditwasathingtobehold.

Anotherlineandanotheruntilafiguretookshape.Aheadturnedtowardastagelight.Alegbentin.She’dreadaboutanauthoroncewhodescribedtheneedtowriteliketwoheartsinsideherchest.Onewasforeverydaylife.Theotherwasforherart.Mikapulledthatbloodyheartfromherbodyandputitondisplay.Becausecreationdemandssacrifice.Shefinishedtheunderpaintinginamatterofhoursandfellasleeponthecouch.
OnMonday,shewenttoworkasusual,andshefocusedonspreadsheets,coordinatingGus’scalendar,inputtingdata.Backat
home,theworldreceded.Mikaandpaintingdanced.Ithasbeentoolong.Toolong,theyseemedtocroontoeachother,caughtinaprivatewaltz.Thebestthingshe’deverheldinherhandswasPennybut
averyclosesecondwasabrush.

Shecounteddownthesecondsuntilshecouldgohome.Emotionsballoonedinsideher.Herbody,hermindnolongerbarrenbut
fullofrichsoilthatwasatlastblooming.Springhadcomeearly.Andonshewent.Paintingintotheweehoursofthemorning
andworkingherdayjob.Sheputherwholebodyintoit.Herhands,shoulders,legs,back—theyallached.Eventhoughher
mindhadforgottensomeofthetechniques,herbodyremembered.Itrememberedholdingapaintbrush.Rememberedtherightway
tomixcolors.Rememberedhowtoblendandshade.Herbodyremembered.
Theweekpassedinanintensecreativeblur.Thomastextedonce,twicemore,butMikaignoredhim.Shewastoocaughtupin
thefrenzy.Toobusymovingforward,chasingthefutureshe’dmissed.Atlast,Saturdaymidafternoon,shestumbledback,brush
inherhand.Itwasdone.Thefeverbroken.Shesatdownheavilyonthecouchtopeeratwhatshehadmade.

***
Hayatowhistledlow.“Youpaintedthis?”Heheldthecanvasinhishands,thensetitdownandsteppedaway,appreciating
Mika’sworkfromadistance.

“Yes,”Mikaanswered.TheywereinhisofficeatNike.
“Andyou’rejustgoingtogiveitaway?”Herubbedhisforehead.Whywouldanyonedosuchathing?
“Rightagain.Iwanttosendittomydaughter,Penny.”
“Howoldissheagain?”
“Sixteen,almostseventeen.”Herbirthdaywasaweekaway.
“Waytooyoungtoappreciatefineart.”Hedrewinabreath.“Thisthingisgoingtobeworthmoneysomeday.I’llgiveyou
fivethousanddollarsforit.”

Mikaletoutahumorlesslaugh.“It’snotforsale.”
“Everythingisforsale.”Hayatocouldn’tstopstaringatit.
“Noteverything.”
“Spokenlikeatrueartist.”
ShepeeredatHayato.“Willyouhelpmesendit?”
“Youmean,ferretthisthroughNikemail,therebybreakingadozenrulesinmycontract?”Turnsout,sendingapaintingin
themailcostaboatload.Andrecently,MikahadspentmostofhermoneyonartsuppliesandatickettoParis.She’dcashed
outhervacationdaysandwouldspendaweekinthecity.Sheplannedtobelostandunafraid.

“Youdon’thaveto.”Mikamovedtopickupthepainting.
Hayato’shandonherarmstoppedher.“I’mkidding.Isendpersonalshitallthetime.EventomyrelativesinJapan.Ifyou’re
everinTokyoandseeabunchofoldladieswanderingaroundwearingRalphLauren,theyprobablyknowme.”Hewinkedather.
“Let’swrapitup.”

Mikamovedtograbarollofbubblewrapfromthecloset.“Wait.”Hayatostoppedher.“Letmelookatitagain.”Theystoodshouldertoshoulder.“Isityou?”hefinallyasked.
Itwashardtotellwhoitactuallywas.ItcouldbeMika.ItcouldbeHiromi.ItcouldbePenny.Theloneballerinawason
stage,enpointe,balancingonasingleleg,armsopen,andfaceturneduptowardthelight.AperfectDegasreplicabutunmistakably
Japanesewithbrowneyesandblackhairreflectingthelight.Atinydancer.LikeCarolinehadcalledPenny.Likethegirl
HiromiwantedMikatobe.“Idon’tinterpretmyownwork.”

“Ugh.”Hayatorolledhiseyesuptotheceiling.
Anotherminutepassed,andthentheyeversocarefullyusedbubblewrap,brownpaper,andagiantboxtopackageupthepainting.
Ontheoutside,Mikatapedanenvelopecontainingherletter.She’dpenneditthenightbefore.

DearPenny,
Itrainedthedayyouwereborn.Outsidethematernityward,theskywasthecolorofliquidash,andtherewasasignthat
read:birthdaysareourspecialty.IfocusedonitasIlabored,asthenursesanddoctorclamoredaroundme.You’renearlythere,anurseexclaimed…

Mikaconsoledherselfthatshe’ddonewhatshecould.She’dofferedPennywhatHiromineverdid.Somewheretocomehome.A
softplacetoland.Aguaranteetoalwaysbemetwithopenarms.Shehopeditwasenough.Itwastheonlythingshehadto
give.Theonlythingshe’deverhadtogive.Apromiseofimperfectbutunconditionallove,andthatwasenough.

Mikastoodbackandwatchedthemailcouriertakethepaintingaway.OntoOhio.ShehopeditansweredPenny’squestion.WhoamI?Mikathoughtsheknewtheanswernow.

Youaresplittingatoms,soilmaderichagain,silkkimonos,azaleasinthepark,bentoforlunch,flannelsandrippedtights,
oilpaints,anursekeepingvigil,collegesweethearts,brokensilence.Arunner.Asearcher.Adancer.Adreamdeferred.
Adreamcometrue.Anembodimentoflove.ChapterThirty-Four
TherainhadstartedinPortland.ThefirstfewweeksofSeptemberwerealwayswet.ButMikadidn’tcare.Sheopenedthewindows
soshecouldhearthepitter-patterandsmellthedampearth.Herphonedingedwithanemail.ItwasfromUPS.Adigitalcopy
ofthereceiptforthepainting.IthadarrivedinDayton,andThomashadsignedforit.Mikaclosedoutofheremailand
setdownherphone.Sothatwasthat.ThenextmovewasPenny’s.

Infrontofherwasasandwich,andshedugintoit,notrealizinghowhungryshewas.Shewaseatingatthecounterbecause
therewasn’tanywheretositdownanymore.Thecouchhousedcanvases.Thediningtableheldassortedsupplies.Thepassion,
theneedtopaint,wasacup.Fillinguntil,strokebystrokeofthebrush,Mikaemptiedit.Butthenthecupwouldstart
fillingagain.Thecycleendless,excruciating,exhausting,exhilarating,andundeniable.Itwasgravity,andMikahadno
choicebuttocomply.Thelockonthefrontdoorturned,andMikafroze,wadofbreadinhercheek.

Thedooropened,andHanasteppedinside,duffeloverhershoulder.“Honey,I’mhome,”shecalledout,lettingthebagdropontothefloor,aplumeofdustrisingaroundit.MuchlikeMika,Hanaalsopaused,toesinchesfromadropcloth.“Wow.Ilovewhatyou’vedonewiththeplace.It’sverylate-stageVanGoghmeetsGreyGardens.”

Mikachewedandswallowed.Shesupposedtherewasacertainmadnesstohowthehouseappeared.Butdoesn’tmadnessalways
leadtodiscovery?“Thisisawkward.Yousaidyou’dbehomeinacoupleweeks.”

“Yes,andthatwasalmosttwoweeksago,”Hanaenunciatedslowly.
Hadthatmuchtimepassed?Mikawasn’tsure.Shestillwenttowork,buteverythingsortoffeltnebulous.“Huh,”wasall
shesaid.

HanaflashedMikaagrin.Shesteppedontothedropcloth.Mikahadpurchasedadditionaleasels.Wantingtoworkonmorethan
onepaintingatatime.She’dcontinuedwithhertheme.SketchingHiromiandShigeinAmericanGothic.RecastingJosephineandHanainGustavKlimt’sTheKiss.HayatoandSethinCaillebotte’sParisStreet,RainyDay.Hanawalkedbetweenthemasonedoesatahigh-endgallery.ShestoppedandexaminedthepaintingofherandJosephine.
“Ilikethisone.Ifeellikeyoureallycapturedmyessence.”

Mika’schestfeltwarmandgooey.“Thankyou.”
HanaapproachedMikaandputherelbowsonthecounter.“Youchangeddirections,”shestated.
AfaintsmileflickeredacrossMika’slips.“Idid.Or,Iam.Ithinkit’sinprogress.”Theworldseemedbrightnow.Better.
“Um,I’mgoingtobegoneforawhiletoo.”

“Areyou?”Hanaarchedoneperfecteyebrow.
“Yes.”Mikanodded.“Justaweek.ButI’mgoingtoParis.And…”Ajumbleofemotioncloggedherthroat.Shethoughtof
Thomas.IcouldseeusinParis.Sheblinkeditaway—somethingsyoujusthadtodoonyourown.“I’vebeenthinkingaboutgettingmyownplace.Youknow,somewhereIcanfullyrealizemyGreyGardens,VanGoghfeverdreams.”Mikahalfsmiled.“ButI’dneedawhiletosaveup,afewmonths.”

“It’slikethatthen.”Hanasmiled
“It’slikethat.”
“Good.”HanaplacedonefingeronMika’splateanddrewittowardher,thenshetookagiantbiteofhersandwich.Shechewed,
coveredherlipswithherfingers,swallowed,andsaid,“Now,I’mgoingtotakeanap.AndIexpectthisplacetobecleaned
upbythetimeIwakeup.”

Mikahuffedoutalaugh.“Iwouldn’tsetyourhopestoohigh.”
“Loveyourface.”Hanaliftedherselfupright.
“Loveyoursmore,”Mikasaid.
Hanashutherselfinherroom.Mikasnappedafewpicturesofherpaintings.AndopenedupherInstagramaccount.Theone
she’dabandonedandPennyhadfound.Shepostedtheimages,withapromiseofmorecomingsoon.Andbecauseshecouldn’thelp
it,shecheckedherfollowers—allthirty-twoofthem.Penny’snamewasstilllisted.

Mikachewedherlip,peeringatthediningroomtable.Thetubesofoilshadbeensqueezed,almosteverydropofthemused.
Bettertogetmorenowifshewantedtopaintallnightagain.Shethrewherpurseoverhershoulderandswungopenthefront
door,keysinhand.Adarkheadmethervision.Hiromiwasstoopeddown,placingaplasticbagwithayogurtcontainerinside
onthestep.Mikasmelledbento.Hermotherstraightened,hermouthalittleO.Theystaredateachother—motheranddaughter.

Hiromiwasthefirsttospeak.“Youlooktired.”InvoluntarilyMikatouchedunderhereyes.“Haveyoubeeneating?”
Mikashookherhead.Herstomachgrumbled.She’dabandonedthesandwichonthecounter.“No.”
“Herethen,”Hiromisaid,thrustingthebagatMika.
Mikatookit.Warmthbledthroughtheplastic.Hiromihadcookedandbroughtthefoodoverfresh.“Iwasjustonmywayout,
butdoyouwanttositwithmeforaminutewhileIeat?”

“Sure.”
“Hanaistakinganap.Youmindifwestayouthere?”Theirporchwasjustbigenoughforacoupleofmetalredchairs,a
littlebistrotablebetweenthem.

“That’sfine.”
“Okay,letmejustgetsomehashi.”MikadashedinsideandgrabbedtheutensilsandwasbackjustasHiromisettledinachair.
Hiromiopenedtheplasticbagandsetoutthecontainer,peelingthelidoffit.Steamrosefromthebento.“It’scoldout
today.”HiromiplacedthecontainerinfrontofMika.AndMikaobservedhermother’shands,dryskinstretchedtightover
herboneslikeacanvastoaframe.Mika’shandsweresimilarnow,roughandchapped.

Mikanoddednoncommittally.Usingherhashi,shebroughtabiteofstickyricetohermouth.“Atleastit’snotraining.”
Theskywasovercast,buttherewasabreakintheshowers.

Afewminutespassed.“YoutalktoPenny?”Hiromifinallyasked,staringoutatthestreet.Theskinunderhereyeswaspurple
andpuffy.Acardroveby,kickingrocksontothesidewalk.

“No.She’snotspeakingtome.”
Hiromipursedherlips.“NowyouknowhowIfeel.”
Indeed,Mikadid.Havingadaughtermadeyouvulnerable.“Iguessso.”
Hiromicrossedherlegsattheankles.Shehikedupherchin.“IdidthebestIcould,”shesaid,asifstandinginfrontofatribunal.MikathoughtofherrelationshipwithPenny.ThoughtofPenny’srelationshipwithCaroline.Itwasinevitable.Alldaughtersfeltdisappointedwiththeirmothers.Nowomancouldevergetitright.Theexpectationswereimpossible.
Mikaputdownherhashiandregardedhermother.Seeinghermortality,allfivefeettwoinchesofit.“Ibelievethat.”Her
motherlovedher.ItwasinthesacrificesshemadeforMika.Intheearlymornings,intheoilburnsonherhandsfromthe
wok,inthelate-nightwashinglaundrybyhand.ItwasHiromi’sapprovalthateludedMika.Whatshehadcravedmostbutcould
neverseemtowinorcourtbecausetodosowouldbeabetrayalofherself.WhatHiromiwantedwasatdirectoddswithwhat
Mikawanted,withwhoMikawas.Andnow,Mikareveledinherself.Inallherparts—painter,mother,dreamer,daughter.

Hiromisuckedinthroughherteeth,expressionturningthoughtful,thensaid,“Shouganai.”Roughlytranslatedto“Itcannot
behelped.”Salarymenmuttereditwhenstuckintraffic.Amothermightsayittoherdaughterafterherhearthadbeenbroken.Orapoliceman
toawomanwhensheisgropedonatrain.Itwasareminderthatenvironmentswerefickle,uncontrollable,sometimescruel.
Bettertomoveonwithoutregrets.Mikadidn’treply.Didn’twanttofightanymore.Shejustpickedupherhashiandstarted
eatingagain.

“You’vebeenpaintingagain?”HiromieyedMika’sclothes,herhandssplatteredwithpaint.
“Yes.”Shepaused.“Doyouwanttocomeinandsee?”
Sheshookherheadonce.“Ibetternot.Ihavetogethometoyourfather.”Hiromistood.
“Okay.Thanksforthefood,”Mikasaid,surprisedtofindthatshemeantit.TofindtheelectriczapofHiromi’sdismissalwasabsent.
Hiromisteppedawayandstopped.“Makesureyoukeepthecontainer,”shesaidoverhershoulder.“Bringitbacktomethe
nexttimeyoucomehome.”

“Iwill.”Mikaknewshe’dseehermotheragain.She’dgotochurchwithherparentsandtodinnerattheirhouse.Likeit
ornot,shemightneverbeabletocutthetie.Butshecouldmoveon,discardthefearthatwithouthermother,shemight
benothing.Sheknewwhereshemustlookforlovenow.Andwhereshemustgiveuplookingforit.

Onceinthecar,Hiromiwavedtoherdaughter.Mikawavedback.Twooldenemies,tiredoftheirfeud.Mikastayedontheporch
alittlelonger.Sheleanedback,watchedtherainstartagain.

Shemightnoteverbeabletogetoverit.Theassault.Theadoption.Butshecouldmakesenseofit.Findmeaning.Shecould
reachintothedarknessandcomeoutwithhandsfull.She’dseenPeterandtheadoptionaspunishment.Becauseshe’dbeen
abaddaughter.Beendisobedient.She’dblamedherself.Thinkingsomethingwaswrongwithher.Thatshedidn’tdeserveto
beloved,thatshedidn’tdeservetobehappy.Butthatwasthereallie.Shewouldn’tsufferhermother’sdiscontentany
longer.Didn’thavetosiphonHiromi’sunhappylife.

Thomashadbeenalovelydistraction.Pennytoo.Shestillwantedthemboth,withanintensitythatstoleherbreath.She
achedwiththebignessoftheloveshehadtoshare.Buttherewassomethingelsesheneededrightnow.Hiromicouldn’tlet
goofherghostlife,butmaybeMikacould.Shestood,gatheredherpurseagain,anddrovetotheartstore.Divedeep,she’dwishedforPenny,butsheshouldhavewisheditforherself.Nomoreswimminginshallowwater.Nomoreconstantlydriftingtoshore.Nomoregaspingforbreath,confusedatwhattideshadpushedherthere.Nomoredisorientingillusionsofbefore,ofwhatshewantedorwhoshewasateighteen,tryingtocapturewhatcouldhavebeen.Timetomakeanewmemory.Timetotravelfartheroutintotheocean.ChapterThirty-Five
Mikasetdownhercanvases,leaningthemagainsthercar.Acrossthegravellot,shesawLeifandwavedtohim.Hejogged
towardher.“Alright,let’ssee.”Leifreachedforthepaintings.

Mikascootedtoblockhim.“Beforeyoulook,Iwanttosaythankyouforhelpingme.”
Leifflickedahand.“It’snoproblem.StanleydecidedtomovetoMountHood.Thespacehasbeenemptyforacoupleweeks
now.I’mhappytoletyouuseit.Plus,I’mgoingtoadvertisethatit’savailable.You’lldrawinthecrowd,andmaybeI’ll
getanewtenant.Win-win.Nowyougoingtoletmesee?”

Mikadrewinadeepbreathandsteppedtotheside.She’dfinishedninepaintings.Tenwouldhavebeenideal,butFirstThursday
wouldbeshuttingdowninNovember.Ifshewantedtoexhibit,itwasnoworwaituntilthespring.

“I’mstillalittlerusty,”shesaidasLeifturnedoverapainting.Itwasthesecondoneshehadmade.HanaandJosephine
inKlimt’sTheKiss.Mikawrungherhands.Therewasanaturalfearinputtingherworkondisplay.Agallerywaswherepeoplecametojudge
you.“I’mthinkingofenrollinginsomenightclassesatUofP.”

LeifstuckupahandandquietedMika.Heputthepaintingdown,thenturnedtothenext.ApaintingofShigeandHiromirecastinAmericanGothic.Heturnedtoanother,thenanother.Thelastone,aself-portrait.MikaastheVirginMary—she’djustfinisheditafew
daysagoaftershe’dreturnedfromParis.

Thetriphadbeenallherdreamsfulfilledandmore.Shehadstayedinasmallroomwithasaggymattressintheheartof
thecity.She’dwalkedeverywhereandseentheMonaLisa,TheCoronationofNapoleon,VanGogh’sself-portrait…butitwasasculpturethatmadeherfinallyweep—theWingedVictoryofSamothrace.Aheadlesswomanwithfeatherywingsspreadwide,standingagainstthewind.Undaunted.

“Theseareamazing,”Leifsaid.
Mikabeamed.“Thanks.”
Itdidn’ttakelongtohangtheart.Allninepiecespositionedateyelevel.Mikasetupatablewithrefreshments,then
walkedthearea,watchingartistspreptheirboothsoutside.ShecametotheplacesheandThomashadhadtheirfirstmoment,
nearlytouching,laughterbetweenthem.Shefeltitthen,theweightofthesolitary,lonelynightspressingagainsther.
Butitwasn’tsuffocating.Maybesomedayshe’dfindsomebodytospendtimewith.Shewasreadynow.Morewilling.Herheart
open.MikahadsurrenderedPennybutwhatshereallyneededtodowassurrenderherselftolife.Theinevitabilityofpain
andsuffering,ofhappinessandjoy.

Pennyhadn’trespondedtoherpaintingorletter.ButMikaheldouthope.Pennycouldtakedecadestocomearound,andMika
wouldbethere.Shehadmeantwhatshe’dsaid.Iwillwaitforyou.
“Hey!I’vebeenlookingforyou.Whatareyoudoingouthere?”HanastrodetoMika,pullinghercoataroundher.“Peopleare
arriving.”

Mikaletoutalongbreath,pushingThomasandPennyfromhermind.“Let’sgo.”
***
Thegalleryseemedtofillupinamatterofseconds.EveryonecametocelebrateMikaandeatthesweatycheeseshe’dput
out.TuanandCharlielovedtheirlikenessinHomer’sSummerNight.Mikawasdeepinconversationwiththeartistnextdoor,chattingabouthowshe’ddevelopedherconcepts.“It’slikeyou’re
reinventingtheEuropeancanon,”hesaid.“Youreallyshouldmeetmyagent…”

Mikablushed.Sheopenedhermouthtoreplywhenahandtappedhershoulder.“Excuseme,”shesaid,turningawayfromthe
artist.Hermouthpartedinsurprise.Darkhair.Darkeyes.Afacethatmirroredhers.“Penny!What…whatareyoudoing
here?”

“Surprise,”Pennysaidmeekly,openingherhands.
Mikamovedquicklyandsteeredthemtoaquietcorner.“Whatareyoudoinghere?!”sheaskedagain.“Wait.Doesyourdadknow
you’rehere?”MikapicturedPennyboardingaplaneonherown.Thomasreturninghomefromworktofindanemptyhouse.She
wantedsobadlytotouchPenny.Strokeherhair.Holdherhands.Butsheheldback.Shedidn’twanttoscarePennyoff.Didn’t
wanttodisrespectherboundaries.EventhoughshewonderedifPennystillheldaspaceinherheartforher.Eventhough
allshewantedtochantwas:Letmeloveyou.
Pennyrolledhereyes.“Ofcoursehedoes.He’shere,actually.Well,atthehotel.Hethoughtwemightwanttochatfirst.”Thomaswashere?InPortland?“Anyway,IsawyourpostonInstagramaboutyourfirstshowtonight.”Pennychewedherlip.“Iwantedtocome,
andIthoughtyoumightwantthat.”Shegesturedatthedoor,whereMika’sdancerpaintinglaycarefullywrappedandleaning,
readyfordisplay.Mika’sthroatsqueezedtight.HereyesfellheavilyonPenny.“It’scoolthatI’mhere,right?Ireadyour
letter,andIthoughtitwaskindofanopeninvitation…”

“Yes.”Mika’svoicesoundedflimsyandweak,happyandrelievedtoo.“Ofcourseitis.Iamsohappytoseeyou.”Youreturnedtome.
“Well,good.”Pennyrockedbackonherheels.Theystoodgazingateachotherforamoment.Theirsmilesseemingtodrawall
thelightintheroomtowardthem.

“Shouldwehangitup?”Mikaaskedafteramoment.
Theyfoundanemptyspaceonthewallandplacedthedancerpaintingthere.Thatmadeten.Thecollectionwasfinished.Complete.
Pennytiltedherhead.“It’sabeautifulpainting.It’sbeenhanginginmyroom.EverytimeIseeit,it’slikethefirst
time.Idiscoversomethingnewinit.”

Mika’smouthgentlycurvedupward.
“Itremindsmeofmymom.Bothofyou,actually.Mymoms.”PennyglancedunsurelyatMika.
Mikachewedhercheek.“Thatwasthepurpose,Ithink.Sometimes,youdon’tknowwhattheartisuntilyoucreateit.The
meaning,youknow?Butitkindofcrystallizedformejustnow.Ithinkyou’vebeenfocusingonthefindingandnottheloss.”
IthadbeentheoppositeforMika.She’dbeenfocusingontheloss,whatshe’dhad,thebabyshe’dletgoof.Shecouldnever
getthattimewithPennyback.Thetimeshe’dmissednotpainting.Thepastisset,butthefutureisfluid.
“Explain,”Pennysaidseriously.
MikaregardedPenny.“YoudoveheadlongintothisrelationshipwithPortlandandme,findingsomething,Ithink,tofillyou
up.Whenallalong,Ithinkyoushouldhavebeenfocusedonwhatyou’velost—thegrieving.Youradoptivemotherdied.Icouldn’t
keepyou.It’sokaytobesad.”

PennyconsideredMika’swordsforalongwhile.Sheinhaled.“Imissmymomalot.Growingup,Imissedyoualot,eventhough
Ineverknewyou.Doesthatmakesense?”Pennyhurriedtosay.

“Perfectsense.”
“Idon’tknow…”AtearsliddownPenny’scheek.“Idon’tevenknowwhyI’mcrying.It’snotbecauseI’msad.Ormaybe
Iam.ButI’mmadtoo.”

Mikadraggedinabreath.“Atme?”
“Atyou,atmyself,atmymother,mydad.Thewholeworld.”
“Fairenough.”Mikanodded.“DoesithelpatalltoknowI’mmadatmymothertoo?”
“Whatareyoumadatherfor?”
MikagazedoverPenny’sshoulderandcaughtHana’sandCharlie’seyes.Theywerewatching,smilesaskingifshewasokay.MikasmiledbackandreturnedtoPenny.“WhatamImadatmymotherfor?”Mikarepeated.Shewasn’tsurewhatcircuitouspathPennywasleadingheron,butMikawouldfollowherdown.AllroadsledtoPenny.She’dalwaysbeenthedestination.“Fornotbelievinginme.”Forbeingangry.Forbeingunhappy.Forbeingunabletobearwhathappenedtoherdaughter.ButjustasMikawasangry,shealsounderstood.Hiromicouldn’tcarrythatweight,theknowledgethatherdaughterhadbeenhurt.Hiromihaddonethebestshecould.Mikahaddonethebestshecouldtoo.Toooften,motherswerevillainsorsaints.Itstartedwithfairytales.Awickedstepmothersojealousofherdaughter,shemakeshersleepnearthefireplaceandforbidsherfromgoingtoaball.Orafairygodmotherwhomakesalltheheroine’sdreamscometrue.Whywastherenoinbetween?“Whatareyoumadatyoursfor?”
“Fordying.ForwritingmeastupidletterthatIcanneverrespondto.FornevertakingmetoanAsiangrocerystore.”The
tearshadslowed.Pennytookasteadyingbreath.

“Penny,”Mikawhispered,feelinganacuteache.Caroline’sdeathhadshovedPennyontothesamepathasMika.Bothdisconnected
fromtheirmothers.Thelosswasincalculable.Lefttheminthewoodstofigureoutlifeforthemselves.Nomothertolearn
from.Theyhadtodiscoverthemselvesalone.ThatwasthereasonPennysoughtMikaout.AndMikahadaccepteditbecauseshe’d
wantedsomethingfromPennytoo.Awaytomakeeverythingokay.ShesawinPennysalvation.Redemption.Butthatwasunfair.
“Tellmemore.Whyareyoumadatyourdad?”Shecouldguess,butMikadidn’twantherrelationshipwithPennytobelike
herrelationshipwithHiromi—stiltedwithsilence,lettingthingsfesterlikeanopenwound.

“Youtwoslepttogether,”Pennysaidflatly.
“Iwon’tdenyit,butwhatexactlybothersyouaboutit?Isitme?Woulditbedifferentifitwasanotherwoman?Astranger?”
Thecrowdhadthinned—thehourgrowinglate.

“Thisisreallyuncomfortabletotalkabout,”Pennypointedout.
Mikathoughtaboutsilenceagain.Aboutbreakingit.“Wedon’thaveto,butIthinkweshould.”
Pennywasquietforamoment.“Youweresupposedtobeonlyforme.Notforhim.Butthenagain,Idon’tknowifitwouldhavebeenbetterifitwasastranger.I’dprobablystillbeupset.Mydadistheconsistentone.Icancountonhim,youknow?Ithinkofmyparentsashavingthisgreatlovestory,andseeinghimwithsomeoneelsedoesn’tfeelright.”
“So,youwanttochange,butyouwanteveryoneelsetostaythesame?”
“Prettymuch,”Pennyanswered,juttingherchinup.
Mikasmiledbutdidn’tletitshowinhervoice.“Seemsatouchunfair.”
“Lifeisunfair.”
“True.”
“What’supwithyoutwoanyway?Wasitlike…serious?”
Mikasuckedinhercheeks.IfshewantedPennytobeanopenbook,Mikawouldhavetoreciprocate.Evenifshedidn’twant
toadmitthetruthtoherself.“Itwas,onmyend,atleast.Ican’tspeakforyourfather.”Ican’tbewithsomeoneIdon’tcareabout,Thomashadsaid.Mika’sthroatfeltlikeitwasgoingtocollapse.“Ilikedhim.He’sfunandfunny.Atfirst,Ithinkwe
werelonelywithoutyourcompany.Youleavequitethegap.Butthenitgrewintosomethingelse.Youshouldtalktohimabout
it,”Mikaencouraged.

“Idid,”Pennysaid.“Hesaidyoumadehimhappy.”
“Hemademehappytoo,”Mikasaid.Wasn’tthereanadageoutthereaboutfindingapartnerbasedonwhoyoubecomewiththem?
“Well,I’memotionallyspent.”Pennywipedthelastofhertearsaway,donecrying.
“Metoo.ButI’msogladyou’rehere.Whataboutschool?”MikaliftedalockofPenny’shairandstaredatherbemusedly.
“Psh,”saidPenny.“I’mplayinghookyforalongweekend.Senioryeardoesn’tmattermuchanyway.”
“Ifeellikethat’snottrue,”Mikasaid.
PennygrinnedandhookedanarmthroughMika’s.“Comeonandgivemeatour.Iwanttohearallaboutthepaintings.MostlyhowIinspiredthem,andIamyourmuseforlifenow.”
MikasteeredPennyaroundthegallery,introducinghertoHayato,who’dstoppedbywithSeth.Soonenough,thewinerandry,
andallthesweatycheesehadbeenconsumed.FriendskissedMika’scheeksgoodbye;Leiflefttohandleadeliveryathisstore.
ThecrowddwindledtoHana,Penny,Charlie,Tuan,andMika.

Hanaheldupaglass.“ToMika!”shesaid.“Forawhile,IwasafraidIwouldhavetorecoveryourbodyfromtheforest,but
nowIfeellikemylittlebirdhasfinallyflownthenest.Mybabyturtleistakingitsfirsttentativestepsintotheocean…”

MikaclickedherglassagainstHana’s.“That’senoughmetaphors,Ithink.”
Theydrank.Pennysippedasoda.Allatonce,Hana’shappyexpressionmorphedtosurprise.Mikaturnedtofollowherfriend’s
gazetothedoor.Thomashadjustarrived.

***
Thomasstoodthere.Heworeanavybluesweaterandhishandswerejammedintohisjeanpockets.HenoddedtoHana,toTuan,toCharlie,toPenny,andstoppedonMika.“Hey,Mika,”hesaid,lookingrightather.
Mikablinked,outrageouslyunabletospeakforamoment.“Hi,”shesaidback.
Hewanderedcloser.“It’sgoodtoseeyou.”
MikacouldfeeleveryonewatchingherandThomas.“Youtoo,”shemanaged.
“Theseportraits…”Thomassurveyedthegalleryandpalmedthebackofhishead.“You’reanamazingpainter.Ihadno
ideayouweresotalented.IwasblownawaywhenIsawthepaintingyousentPennyandnow…I’mkindofawestruck.”

Mikaswallowed.“I’vebeenworkingonsomenewstuff.Experimentingwiththepaletteknife,usingdifferenttrowelshapes
tocreatetexturalstrokes,focusingmoreoncolor…”Shetrailedoff.Silencethen.Mikasoughttofillit.“Thanksfor
bringingPennyout,”shesaid,andatthesametimeThomassaid,“Doyouwanttogosomewhere?”

Theystopped.Smiledateachother.Thomaswasthefirsttospeak.“CanItakeyououtforacupofcelebratorycoffee?”
MikastoleaglanceatPenny.Herdaughterblinked,smiledslightly,anddippedherchin.MikaturnedbacktoThomas.“I’d
likethat.”

“Alright,”hesaid.Thenhecrossedtheroomandheldthedooropen.Mikafoundhercoatandshruggediton.Butshestopped
shortoftheexit.Sheshouldprobablystayandcleanup.Shehadn’tsaidgoodbyetoherfriendseither.

“Youready?”Thomasasked.
“Ready,”shesaidonaninhale,andthewordtastedgoodinhermouth,likefreshair.Thenshewalkedthroughthedoor,Thomas
behindher.
Interstitial
DearPenny,
Todayyouaresixteen,andIwillnotbetheretoseeit.ThefirsttimeIheldyou,Irubbedyourcheekagainstmine,then
tracedtheshellofyourearwhilewhisperingpromises.Iwillbestrongforyou.Iwillloveyouunconditionally.Iwillalwaysbehere.I’msorrywewon’thavemoretimetogether.

Ontheflighthomefromthehospitalsixteenyearsagotoday,Irefusedtoputyoudown.Youweresotiny.Iwasafraidof
allthethingsthatcouldgowrong,allthethingsthatmighthurtyou.Overtheyears,Iwatchedyougrow.Crawlingatseven
months,thenwalkingjusttwomonthslater.Wechildproofedthehouse:coveringoutletplugs,tapingupsharpcorners,fencing
offthestairs.Butyouwerecuriousandtenacious.Youpulledthefencedown.Youremovedtheoutletcovers.Youchewedthe
sharpcorners.Maybemorepuppythanbaby.IwonderedhowIwassupposedtokeepyoualive.Onitwent,yourthirstforthe
unknown.Noobstaclewastoobig.Iimaginedyouconqueringanything,climbingamountain,andbeatingyourchest—alwaysvictorious.

Atoneandahalfyearsold,yourandownsidewalks.Attwo,yourodeascooterforthefirsttime.Ichasedyoudownthe
pavement,catchingyoubeforeyoucrashedorcryingwhenIwasn’tfastenoughandyoudid.Onitwent—timepassinginahappy
blur.Istoodunderthemonkeybarswhileyouhungfromthem.Followedonthebalancebeamwhileyoucarefullytraversedit.
Alwaysthere,teethgritted,waitingtosaveyou.Becareful,I’dsay.Don’tgotoofast.Itwasallmymisguidedattempttoslowtime,keepyou,mylittlegirl,longer.Butwecan’tstopfrommovingforward,from
gettingold,fromdying.

Whenyouwerefour,youstartedtoaskwhy.WhydoIhavetobrushmyteeth?WhydoIhavetostopplaying?WhydoIlookdifferentfromMommyandDaddy?Alightningboltstruckmethen,piercingtheheartofmyinsecurities.IfearedIwasn’tenoughforyou.ThatyouhadquestionsIwouldneverbeabletoanswer.Thatsomeoneelsemighttakeyoufromme.Thatalthoughyouweremine,youweresomeoneelse’sfirst.Whenyoufeelsomethingslippingfromyourfingers,itisanaturalinstincttoclenchyourfist.Itoldyouitdidn’tmatterthatwelookeddifferent.Whatmatteredwastheloveweshared.Isawthedissatisfactioninyoureyes.Overtheyears,youaskedmorequestions.Ianswered,butnotinthewayIshouldhave.Iknewyoufeltit,thesharpedgesofmydiscomfort.I’msorrytoonow,forallthethingsIneversaid.
Inourbedroomcloset,onthetopshelf(behindtheawfulhatyourfatherboughtforourvacationtoMexico),isabox.Inside
isyouroriginalbirthcertificate,adoptionpaperwork,andcopiesofpackagesIsenttoyourbirthmother.HernameisMika
Suzuki.Youshouldknow,weagreedtoaclosedadoption.Iamunsureifshewillwelcomeyou.Butitismyhopeshewill.

Ihopeshewillhelpquenchyourthirstfortheworld.IhopeshewillanswerallthequestionsInevercould.Idon’twant
toholdyoubackanymore.Don’tletmeholdyouback.Youhavemypermissiontorun.Togo.Notthatyouneedit.Butthere
itis.Myblessingtofindyourbirthmother.ToaskwhatIcouldneveranswer.Igetitnow.I’msorry,honey,Ididn’tsee
itbefore.Ithinkthat’swhatbeingaparentisallabout—lovingsomethingandlettingitgo.

Iloveyou,
MomAcknowledgments
Iwrotethisbookinacraze.Betweenpublishingonebookandwritinganother,IpennedMikainRealLife.Ipushedmyselfmentallyandphysicallypastmylimitstofinishthisbook.

Ialsopushedmyfamilytotheirlimits—zoningoutatthedinnertable,rushingtomyphonetowritebooknotes,dropping
whatIwasdoingbecauseIjustfiguredouttheperfectpieceofdialogue.ThisbookallowedmetoexplorewhatIhaven’t
beenabletoinwritingbefore,thebondbetweenaparentandchild.Sincegiving
ToErinandJoelle,agentsandfriends,thankyouforcomingwithmeonthiswildrideofabook.Also,thankyouforlovingthisbookjustasmuchasIdo.Andevenmore,thanksfortoleratingmy“Haveyoureadityet?”emails.YoureditselevatedthisnoveltoarealmIdidn’tthinkpossible.Erin,youhelpedmefindthestoryIwantedtotell.Joelle,Ican’tquitefindtherightwords,soI’lljustsay:tosecondchances!Also,thankstothefolksoveratAlloyandFolio,whohavechampionedthisbookfromthebeginning.
Tomyeditor,Lucia,thankyouforreadingthisbookandseeingitssoul.MygratitudealsotothewholeWilliamMorrowteam:
LiateStehlik,AsantéSimons,KellyRudolph,JenniferHart,JesLyons,AmeliaWood,PloySiripant(whenIsawthecover,I
gasped),andJessicaRozler.

ToTami,thankyouforbecomingalawyerinsteadofadoctor.Thankyouforworkingsohardonmybehalf.Thankyou(andRandy)
forthelate-night,after-hoursphonecalls.Yougavememuchmorethanyou’lleverknow.

Andfinally,myheartfeltthankstoreaders,bookgroups,andbooksellers—IgettodowhatIlovebecauseofyou.AbouttheAuthor
WhenEMIKOJEANisn’twriting,sheisreading.Beforeshebecameawriter,shewasanentomologist,acandlemaker,aflorist,and,most
recently,ateacher.ShelivesinWashingtonwithherhusbandandchildren.SheistheNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofTokyoEverAfter,EmpressofAllSeasons,andWe’llNeverBeApart
Discovergreatauthors,exclusiveoffers,andmoreathc.comAlsobyEmikoJean
TokyoEverAfter
EmpressofAllSeasons
We’llNeverBeApartCopyright
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsareproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously
andarenottobeconstruedasreal.Anyresemblancetoactualevents,locales,organizations,orpersons,livingordead,
isentirelycoincidental.

mikainreallife.Copyright?2022byEmikoJeanandAlloyEntertainment,LLC.AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyright
Conventions.Bypaymentoftherequiredfees,youhavebeengrantedthenonexclusive,nontransferablerighttoaccessand
readthetextofthise-bookon-screen.Nopartofthistextmaybereproduced,transmitted,downloaded,decompiled,reverse-engineered,
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