Mine To Have A Small Town, Second Chance Romance. (Southern Wedding Series) (Southern Weddings Book 1

MineToHave
NatashaMadisonContents
AreyoureadyforTheSouthernWeddingSeries?
SouthernTree
Prologue
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
EpilogueOne
EpilogueTwo
BooksByNatashaMadison
FREEBOOK!AreyoureadyforTheSouthernWeddingSeries?
MINETOHOLD
Thingsaresupposedtogosmoothlyonyourweddingday.
Aren’tthey?
Shelby
IgotaloveletterthenightbeforeIwassupposedtomarrytheloveofmylife.
Excepttheletterwasn’tforme.
Myfuturehusbandhadwrittenittosomeoneelse.
Weston(Ace)
Standingatthealtartowatchmybestfriendgetmarriedwasanhonor.
Findingoutthathewassleepingwithmygirlfriendwasanightmare.
EverythingIknewwasalie.
Whentheopportunitycametogetoutoftownandleavemyexbehind,Itookit
Umbrelladrinksandbrokenheartsdon’tmixwell.
Ishouldn’twantShelbyformyself–butIdo.
IwanthermorethanI’veeverwantedanyone.
Maybe,shewasjustminetohold.
ComingJuly2022!
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MINETOCHERISH
Clarabella
DidIwanttogetmarriedtoday?
It’shardtosaywhenheproposedinfrontofoverahundredpeople.
Everythinghappenedsofast,andIthoughtitwasjustnerves.
Itwasnot.
TheknockonthedoorshowedmethatwhatIwasfeelingwasmorethanjustcoldfeet.
Iwasarunawaybride.
Luke
Thewholetownwasbusyattendingherwedding.
ShewastheoneIletgetawaywhenItoldherournighttogetherwasamistakeandthenlefttown.
SoIplannedtospendtheweekendgettingdrunk.
Whensheranoutofthechurchlookingforahideout,Iopenedthecardoorforher.
Mycabinhasonebed,andmylonginglooksdon’tmixwell.
Somehow,Ihavetokeepmyheartintactandherreputationtogether.
Maybeshewasjustminetocherish.
ComingSeptember2022!
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MINETOLOVE
Nothingsaysforeverliketwopinklines!
Presley
Aftermysisters’disastrousweddings,I’mnevergoingtogetmarried.
I’lljuststaysingleforever.
Itdoesn’tmatterthatI’minlovewithmybrother’sbestfriend.
OrthatBennettandIshouldn’tevenbefriendswithbenefits.
UntilthepositivesigntellsmeI’mpregnant.
Bennett
IfellinlovewithPresleywhenshewaseighteenandaskedmeforafavor.
Shedidn’twanttogotocollegeavirgin.
Isaidno,butshekissedme,andIwaslostinher.
Yearslater,I’lltakeherwithanyrulesshegivesme.
Shethinksthisisjustafling.She’swrong.
Becauseshe’salwaysbeenminetolove
ComingOctober2022!
Pre-OrderHere!SouthernTree
SouthernFamilytree
BillyandCharlotte
(MotherandfathertoKallieandCasey)
SouthernChance
Kallie&JacobMcIntyre
EthanMcIntyre(SavannahSon)
Amelia
Travis
SouthernComfort
Olivia&CaseyBarnes
Quinn(SouthernHeat)
Reed(SouthernSunshine)
Harlow(MinetoHave)
SouthernStorm
Savannah&BeauHuntington
EthanMcIntyre(Jacob’sson)
Chelsea(SouthernHeart)
Toby
Keith
SouthernSunrise
Emily&EthanMcIntyre
Gabriel
Aubrey
SouthernHeart
ChelseaHuntington&MaysonCarey
Tucker
SouthernHeat
Willow&QuinnBarnes
SouthernSecrets
AmeliaMcIntyre&Asher
SouthernSunshine
Hazel&ReedBarnes
SophiaPrologue
DearestLove,
Nothingsaysspringlikeweddingseason.Theflowers,thechampagne,theweddingguests.Surroundedbyallthepeopleyoulove.Sigh…theromance,it’smyfavoritetimeofyear.
Traviswillsoonbewalkingdowntheaisle.Orwillhe?
Itseemsacoupleoforderswereplacedbymistake,orwerethey?Italsolookslikeaninvitationwassentoutthatwasn’tsupposedtobesentout.
Willtheygettheirhappilyeverafter,orwashealwaysmeantforsomeoneelse?
Timewilltell!
XOXO
NMChapter1
Harlow
“Sowhat’stheverdict?”mybrother,Quinn,asksassoonasIwalkbackoutofthestallandintothehallway.Iusethebackofmyforearmtowipethesweatawayfrommyforehead.Myhandsaredustyanddirtyfrombeinginthestall
“Whyyes,I’lltakeabottleofwater.”Iside-eyehimasIwalktowardthesinkinthecorner,washingoffmyhands,andthenheadingstraighttothekitchenattheendofthelongconcretepathway.IpasstheemptyofficethatIusedtohelpoutinwhenIwasateenager,goingovertothefridgeandgrabbingawaterbottle.Openingthebottle,Idownhalfofitbeforeturningbacktohim.“God,thatfeelsgood.”
“Canyounotbesuchapainintheass?”Quinnhuffsashestandsthereinhisbluejeansandwhiteshirt,allputtogetherwithhiscowboyboots.Heputshishandsonhishipsasheglaresatme
“Ican,”Isay,puttingthebottleonthecounternexttomeandleaningbackonit.Crossingmyarmsovermychest,Ithencrossmyfeetattheankles.Myownbootsaredustyanddirty.Myscrubsthatwerecleannowhavesomebloodonthem.“Butthen,whatfunwouldthatbe?”Itrynottosmile,butwhenhegroans,Ican’thelpthelaughthatescapesme.
“Isweartoallthesaintsintheworld.”Helooksupattheceiling.“Canyoubeprofessionalforonce?”
Istand.“One,mecomingtoseeyouonaFridayafternoonatthreeisfuckingprofessional,especiallysinceIdon’tdocallsonFriday.”Ipointathim.“ButsinceyoumadeGrandpacallmelikeapussy-assbitch,Icameout.”
“One,Ididn’tmakeanyonecallyou.”Heputsuponefinger.“Andtwo,hewasjusthere,sohesaidhewoulddomeafavor.”
Irollmyeyes,knowingfullwellthatmygrandfathertookmattersintohisownhands,regardlessofifmybrothercalledmeornot.“Yeah,yeah,”Isay,huffingout.“Anyway,he’sgotmudfever.”
“Shit,”heswears,shakinghishead.
“It’snotbad.Gottocleanitacoupleoftimesandkeepitdry,”Isay,grabbingmyjacket.“I’llswingbytomorrowtoseehowhe’sdoing.”
HenodsatmeasIwalkoutofthebarn,myeyessquintingasthesunhitsmyface.ItakeasecondtoliftmyfaceandfeeltheheatbeforewalkingovertomypickupasImakemywaybacktomypractice.
ThesoundsofgravelcrunchingundermytiresasIcometoastop.Thetreesallaroundblockmostofthesunfromcomingin,soit’scooler.MybootsalsocrunchwhenIwalktowardthefrontstairs.
I’vealwayshadavisionofwhatmypracticewouldlooklike,andwhenIshowedmyfather,hemadeithappen.WhenitwastimetodiscusshowIwouldpayhim,hescoffedandinformedmethatitwouldjustcometomewhenhedied.Ishakemyhead,thinkingaboutit.Whenevertheywantedtogiveyousomethingorpayforsomething,theyalwaysbroughtupthemdying.
Iwantedthehousetolooklikealogcabin,andwhenyouwalkedin,thereceptionareawasinthemiddleoftheroomwithfourroomsallaround.Eachroomforadifferenttypeofanimal.BehindthosefourroomswaswhereIdidmostofmywork.Theoperatingroomwasthere,alongwithallthecrateswherewehousedthepetswekeptovernight.Ican’thelpthesmilethatcomestomyfacewhenIstandatthedoorandseemylogo,H.B.AnimalVeterinarian.Iturnthebrasshandletothedoorandwalkin.Thebellontopofmerings,makingDonna,thereceptionist,lookupfromherdesk.DonnahasbeenwithmesincedaytwowhenIstarted,andshecameinwithhercat.Iamnotgoingtolie,Iwasoverwhelmedwiththephoneringing,andthenitwasalljustsomuchatonce.Shesmiledatme,satinthechair,andhasbeenwithmeeversince.Shemakessureeverythingisneatandorganized,soIgettodowhatIlovebest,whichisworkwiththeanimals.
“Hey,”shegreets,andIlookaroundtoseethatnooneiswaitingforme.Thetwowoodenbenchesunderthefrontwindowsareempty.
“Isthisadream?”Iask,tryingnottogettooexcited.“Istherenoonehere?”Iameventemptednottowalkin,afraidI’mgoingtohearabarkfromoneoftheroomswiththecloseddoors.
Sheleansbackinherchair.“You’rewelcome,”shesays,andIlookather.“ImadesurethatIbookedyouthisafternoonoff.”Mymouthhangsopen.“Youaregoingonforty-fivedaysinarowofwork.”
“Forty-seven.”Iwalktothecounter.“Buthey,who’scounting?”Ileanonthecounter.“Ilovemyjob.”Iclosemyeyes,andIswearIcouldprobablyfallasleepsittinginachair.
“Youhavemail.”Donnapointsatthestackoflettersthatsitattheendofthecounter.Ijustnodather,grabbingthepileofletters.Lookingdownatthefirstone,Ithenslowlymovemyfingertofliptothesecond.
“Thankyou.”Ikeepflippingoneafteranother.Thebigwhitesquareonecatchesmyattention.Istopandseemynameaddressedonthefrontofit.Dr.HarlowBarnes.
“Lookslikeaweddinginvitation,”Donnasays,andIturnit.Myheartstopsinmychest,andI’mfindingitsohardtobreathe.MyhandsdropeverythingelsewhileIrunmyfingerunderthelittlestickerattheend.
Pullingoutthewhitecard,Ican’tmove.Mybreathscomeoutalmostinpants,andIfeelasifI’mhavinganout-of-bodyexperiencewhenIseethewordswrittenatthetopofthewhitecardinpurplewriting.
Youarecordiallyinvitedtotheweddingof
TravisBaker&JenniferGarner
Myfeetautomaticallymoveacrossthefloortowardmyoffice.“Areyouallright?”Donnaasks,andImechanicallynodmyheadupanddown.
“Youcantakeoff.”Myvoicecomesoutwithoutcracking,andI’mevenshocked.ThelumpformsinmythroatasIclosethedoorbehindme.Myeyesneverleavethetopoftheinvitation.“He’sgettingmarried,”Isaythewordsoutloud,thepaininmychestthrobbing.“OhmyGod.”Igrabmycellphoneandcallmycousin,Amelia,whoanswersafteronering.
“Hello,”shesays,andIcanhearherkidsinthebackground.
“Hey,”Ireply,andmyvoicecracksfinally.“YouwillneverguesswhatIjustgot.”Iblinkawaythetears,butoneofthemescapesandrunsdownmycheek.“You’llneverguess,”Isay,sniffling,andIcanhearadoorcloseinthebackground,anditgoesquiet.
“Whereareyou?”shehuffs,andIcanhearhermovingfastandthentheslamofacardoor.
Iclosemyeyes,listeningtoherstartthecar.“I’minmyoffice.”Ileanbackinmychair,myeyesstillclosed.
“I’llbethereinfive.”Shedisconnects,andI’mnotsureIwouldbeabletomoveanyway.
Thephonedropsfrommyhand,andIwonderifthisisreallyhappeningorifit’sabaddream.Ithastobeabaddream.Whyintheworldwouldthishappen?IpickupmyphoneandtextRachel.
Me:Didyougetsomethinginthemailtoday?
Idon’tknowhowfastshewillgetbacktome.Inthepastfouryears,thefourofushavekeptintouch.Weusuallyseeeachothereverycoupleofyears,butI’vekeptintouchwithRachelalmostmonthly.
Myphoneringsinmyhand,andIlookdowntoseeit’sRachel.“Hello,”Ianswer,puttingitonspeakerphone.
“Pleasetellmeyoudidnotgetaweddinginvitationtohiswedding!”sheshrieksout.Icanjustimagineherfacerightnow,andIlaughbutitcomesoutwithasob.“JesusChrist,whythefuckwouldheinviteyoutohiswedding?”
“Ihavenoidea,”Isay.“ThelasttimeIsawhimwaswhenhebrokeupwithme,”Ilie.TheactuallasttimeIsawhimwasthedaybeforeIlefttocomehome.Istupidlytookonemorewalktohisplaceandsawhimwalkingout.Hisheadwasdown,andhehadahatonhishead.Sunglasseshidhiseyes.Myheartsanktomyfeet,andIturnedaroundandcriedtherestofthewayhome.
“Lydiajusttextedthatshegottheinvitationalso,”Rachelsays.“Andfromwhatsheissaying,sodidVictoria.”
“Ijustdon’tunderstandit,”Ifinallysayoutloud.“Whythefuckwouldheinvitemetohiswedding?”
“Ihavenoidea,”shesays,huffingoutandthenlaughing.“ButIknowthatifthereiseveratimeforsomesweettea,it’snow.”
“Thatsoundslikeagreatidea.”Ilookupattheceilingwhenthedoorslams.“Ihavetogo.I’llcallyoubacklater,”Isayanddisconnectwhenmyofficedoorfliesopen.
“Whathappened?”Ameliaasks,standinginfrontofme,anditlookslikeshe’swearingpjs.
“Whatareyouwearing?”Iask,andshelooksdownatherself.
“It’sbeenaday,”shestates,comingin,andIlaugh.
“Youthinkyourdayisgoingbad,”Isay,pickingupthewhitesquarepaperinfrontofmeandhandingittoher.“Iwin.”
Shereachesoutherhandtograbthewhitepaper,andIletitgo.Hereyesgotothetop,andIknowtheminutesheseeshisnamebecausetheywiden,andshelooksbackatme.“Shutthefrontdoor!”sheshouts,andallIcandoisnodmyhead.“Unbelievable.Whodoesthis?”
“Ihavenoidea,”Isayhonestly,gettingupandwalkingovertothecabinetthatIkeepthesweetteain.“Rachelandthegirlsalsogottheinvitations.”Itwistopenthetopandtakeaswig,thenlookoverather,offeringherthebottle.Shejustshakesherhead,andItakeanothergulpofit.“Whythefuckwouldheinvitemetohiswedding?”Ilookoveratherandwaitforhertoanswer.
“Oh,Ithoughtyouwereaskingthequestionandthenweregoingtoanswerityourself,”shesays,goingtothecouchinthecornerandsittingonit.“Well,let’slookatthis.”
“Yes,please,let’slookatthis,”Isaysarcastically,takinganotherswigofthebottle,theheatrisingupinmybody.IknowthatthisisthesignwhenIshouldstoptakingshots.It’sthetelltalesignthatnothinggoodisgoingtocomeifIcontinue.“HebreaksupwithmetwoweeksbeforeIhavetowritemyexam.”Iholdupmyfinger.“Andthen.”Itakeaswigandlookather.“Idon’tknowifthereisanythingelseafterthat.”
“Youdatedfortwoyears,”Ameliapointsout,andIglareather.“Thisisahugedeal.”
“Youdon’tthinkIknowthis,”Iretort,myvoicegoinghigher.Thenervesinmybodystart,andmyfeetmoveontheirown,pacingbackandforth.“It’sTravis.”Sayinghisnamefeelsforeigntome,yetfeelslikecomingbackhome.“Hewasmyeverything.”Itakeanothersipofthetea.“Iwasgoingto…”Istoptalking,knowingthatthiswalkdownmemorylanewillhelpnoone.
“Youweregoingtomarryhim.”Shefillsinforme.
“Imean,ifhewouldhaveasked,yes,Iwouldhave,”Iadmittoher.“Butapparently,Jenniferistheoneforhim.”
“Well,imaginehissurprisewhenyouputdownthatyouaren’tgoing,”Ameliasays,andIlookoverather.“Youaren’tgoing.”
“Ipromised.”Thewordscomeoutinawhisper.“IpromisedthatIwouldbethereatthehappiestdayofhislife.”
Hermouthopens.“Well,promisescanbebroken.”Shestandsup.“Youarenotgoing.Thatwouldbecrazy.Howdoesheevenintroduceyou?Honey,thisisHarlow.Wewentoutincollege?”Sheshakesherhead.“It’snotagoodidea.”Shegrabsthebottlefromme.“Andneitherisdrinkingthisshitwhenyou’remad.You’llmakebaddecisions.”
“Youaren’tevenwearingabra.”Ipointather,andshegaspsandcovershernipples.
“Irushedoverhere,”shehuffs.“BecauseIthoughtyouwereinneed.”
“Iaminneed,”Iconfirmtoher.“I’minneedofadatetogotomyex-boyfriend’swedding!”Iyell.
“I’mgoinghome,”sheannounces.“Areyoucoming?”
“Didyoumakedinner?”Iask,andsheglaresatme.
“Ihaven’tputonabra.YouthinkImadedinner?”shesayswithherteethclenched.
“Gosh,justasking,”Isayandstarttowalkoutoftheofficewithher.“Ifyouwant,Icancook.”
“Thelasttimeyoutriedtocook,thefiredepartmenthadtocometoyourhouse.”Shelooksoverhershoulderatme.
“ThatwasbecauseIforgotIputthepotonthestoveandthenwenttotakeabath.”Istopmoving.“I’llmeetyouthere,”Isay,turningaroundandwalkingbackintomyoffice.
Igrabthewhiteenvelopeandtakeitout.ThepenisinmyhandnextasIclickoffthe“willattend”withmyname“HarlowBarnes.”Sealingitbackintheenvelope,Itossitinthemailboxatthecorner.“It’llbefine,”IsayasIopenthemailboxandplacetheenvelopeinit.“I’llgoandfulfillmypromise,andthenwecanallmoveon.”Iclosethelidandletgoofthebreathinme.“AndI’llneverseehimagain.”Chapter2
Travis
“Wouldyoubequiet?”Ihearsomeonewhisper,andmyeyesspringopen.ItakeaminutetolookaroundandseeifIwasdreamingorifitwasactuallycomingfromsomeplaceinmyhouse.“Weshouldmakecoffee.”Ihearanotherwhisper,andIlookoverandseethatit’salmostseveno’clock.Thesunfromoutsideisslowlytryingtocreepinfromtheblinds.MyheadturnstowardthebedroomdoorasIlistentomakesure.
“Oh,weshouldmaybemakehimsomethingtoeat.”Iclosemyeyes,blinkingawaythesleep,beforesittingupinbed,andtossingthetopcovertotheside.Slidingoutofbed,ItiptoetowardthefrontdoorwhileIhearanotherwhisper.Istandinthedoorway,makingsureIrecognizethevoicesbeforeIwalkout.
“Weshouldhavebroughtdoughnutsorsomething.”Ishakemyheadandlookoutofthebedroom,seeingmythreesistersallhuddledatthefrontdoor.“Yougoandgethim.”PresleypushesShelbytowardthestairs,andifIhadn’tjustawokenfromadeepsleep,Iwouldlaughatthethreeofthem.
“Whatthehellareyouguysdoinghere?”Isay,steppingoutofmybedroomandlookingdownovertherailing.Thesoundofallthreeofmysistersyellingfillsthehouse.Theyalllookupatme,huddledtogether.
“JesusfuckingChrist,”Shelby,myoldestsister,says,puttingherhandtoherchest.“Yougavemeafuckingheartattack.”Herblackhairistiedupontopofherhead,andshewearsblackyogapantswithawhiteshirt.HerblueeyesglareatmeasifIdidsomethingwrong.
“Whythehellareyousneakingintomyhouse?”Iputmyhandonthewoodenbanisterandlookdownatthem.
“Wearen’tsneaking.”Clarabellashakesherhead.“Whosneaksinbyusingakey?”Sheholdsupthekeyshegotfromunderthematoutside.
“YouareluckythatIdidn’tcomedownwiththebaseballbatIhaveinthebedroom.”Ilookateachofthem.
“One.”Myyoungestsister,Presley,putsupamanicuredfinger.“Yousuckatbaseball,”sheremindsme.“Youlostthegameforuslastyear,andtwo”—sheputsupanotherfinger—”gogetdressed.I’mabouttothrowupmycroissantIjustate.”
“I’minmyboxers,”Isay,lookingdownatmyself.“Andyouareinmyhouse.ImagineifIwasnaked.”Ithrowmyhandsup,andmyvoicegoeslouder.ThethreeofthemallgrimacewiththefactthatIcouldhavebeennaked.“Andtwo,Ididnotlosethatgame.Itwasthethreeofyouthinkingyoucaneachcatchaballandfallintoeachother.”Ipointatthethreeofthem,allofthemrollingtheireyes.
“Gogetdressed.We’llstartthecoffee,”Shelbysays,walkingintothehouseandtowardthekitchen.
Ishakemyheadandwalkbackintomybedroom,goingstraightforthebathroom.Iwashmyfaceandrunmyhandsthroughmyhairbeforegrabbingmybluesweatpantsandgoingbackdownstairs.Thesmellofcoffeefillsthewholehouse.“Okay,”Shelbysays.“Rock-paper-scissorsonwhogetstosay.”
“Noway,”Presleysays.“You’retheoldest.”Shepointsather,andIwalkintothekitchen.Thethreeofthemstoptalkingassoonastheyseemestandinghere.
“Whatthehellisgoingon?”Ilookatmysistersastheyeachlookateachother,neitherofthemwantingtotalk.Walkingtothecoffeemachine,Ipourmyselfacupofsteaminghotcoffee.Idon’tbotherwiththemilkwhenIturnandleanbackonthecounter.“Okay,go.”Itakeanothergulp.
“Okay,don’tfreakout,”Clarabellastarts.“Butthefridgesatthevenuestoppedworking.”
Ilookatthem,notsurewhatsheissayingasshewalksoutofthekitchenandgoestothelivingroom,sittingontheL-shapedgraycouch.“Okay,and…?”IlookatShelby.
“Allthefoodfortheweddingisspoiled.”Shesaysthewords,andIclosemyeyes.Thisisdefinitelynotsomethingyouwanttohearonyourweddingday.
“Butthegoodnews,”Clarabellasays,“isthatwealreadycalledoursupplier,andfromwhathesaid,heshouldbeabletogetusmostofthestuff.”
“Mostofthestuff,”Irepeat.“Whatabouttherestofit?”
“Well,thatisgoingtobeourproblem,”Shelbysays.“Allyouhavetoworryaboutisshowingupontime.”
“God,I’mstarving,”Clarabellaannounces,goingtothefridgeandopeningit.“Whydon’twehaveanicefamilybreakfastbeforeourbrotherfinallytiestheknot?”Shesmiles.
“Oh,weshouldhavebroughtchampagne,”Presleysaysfromthecouch.“Wedidnotputourbestfootforward.”Sheliesdownonthecouch.“Ican’tbelieveyouaregivingawaythiscouch.”
Idon’tsayanything.Instead,Ilookaroundatthebrownboxesstackedallovertheplace.Jennifer’sthingsweredeliveredoveramonthagoandhaveyettobeunboxed.Everysingletimewehadplanstounpack,somethingwouldcomeup.Iwalkovertothecouchandsitdown,lookingaroundatthebarewalls.AllthethingsIhadhangingItookdowntomakeJenniferfeelmoreathome.“Iswearyouguyswillbemarriedfiveyears,andIhaveafeelingtheseboxeswillstillbehere,”Presleysaysquietlyfrombesideme.
“We’vebeenbusy,”Iremindher.“Iwastheonlyvetatthepracticeforoveramonth.Iworkedsevendaysaweek.”WhenIpassedtheexam,Istayedattheemergencyclinic.Theyhiredmefull-time,andIcan’ttellyouhowmuchIlovedit.ButIknewthattherewasnowayIwouldbeabletomoveup,sotwoyearsafterthat,Igottheopportunitytoopenapracticenearmyhometownwithtwoothervets.
Thethreeofusneverexpectedittobecomeasbigasitdid.Weweresoindemandthatweoutgrewthelittleplacewerentedaftersixmonthsandboughtourownlandandbuiltittoourliking.“Michellehadherbabyearly,andRoybrokehisfoot.Whatdidyouwantfromme?”
“You’vebeenengagedforsixmonths,andshehasyettomovein,”Presleystates,pointingatalltheboxesstartingtocollectdust.
“Shehadalease,andshecouldn’tbreakit,”IrepeatthesamethingI’vebeentellingmymotherandanyoneelsewhoaskedaboutwhyshewasn’tlivingwithme.“Andshedidn’twanttoleaveherroommatehighanddry.”
“Ijustfinditcrazythatyouaremarryingsomeoneyouhaven’tevenlivedwith.”Shesitsup.“It’sinsanetome.Whatifyougetonhernerves,orshegetsonyours?”
Itakeanothergulpofcoffee,hopingshedoesn’tseethatIhavehadtheconversationwithmyselfoverandoveragain.“It’llbefine.It’salearningcurve.”
“Alearningcurve.”Shegetsupandlaughs.“Alearningcurveisgettingbangs.Movinginwithsomeoneisahugedeal.”
“Aren’tyousupposedtobecalmingmedownonmyweddingdayandtellingmethateverythingisgoingtobeokay,insteadofmakingmesecond-guessit?”Iaskher,andshejustshrugs.
“Fine.”Sherollshereyes.“It’sagreatideathatyoudidn’tlivewitheachotherandthelongestyouspentinthesamehouseatonetimeistwoweeksbecauseyouwerebothonvacationandstuckonanisland.”
Ipfftoutandlaughallatthesametimenervously.“Shestaysoverallthetime,”Isay,andsheputsherhandsonherhips.
“Ibetyouonehundreddollarsthatshedoesn’tevenhaveatoothbrushhere.”Sheputsoutherhandformetosmackit.
“MomsaidI’mnotallowedtotakeanymoneyfromyou,”Isay,refusingtoadmitthatsheisright,andalsoitgoestosayIalsodon’thaveoneatherplace.
“Presley,”Shelbycallsher.“Youareinchargeofmakingtoast.”Shelbythenlooksatme.“You”—shepointsatme—”overeasyorscrambled?”
“Eitherisgood,”IreplyasPresleywalksintothekitchentohelpmysisterswithbreakfast.
Todayismyweddingday,Ithinktomyself,leaningoverandputtingmycoffeecuponthelittletablethatwillsoonbeleaving.Married,Iletthewordsinkin.Itfeelslikejustyesterdaywemet,andnowwearegettingmarried.Thenervesstarttokickinmystomach.Thefeelingslowlyclimbsup,andthepressurestartsinmychest
“Comeandeat,”Clarabellacallsfromthekitchenoverhershoulder.Igrabmycup,gettingupandzigzaggingtowardthekitchen.Grabbingoneoftheplatesonthecounter,Ifillitupwitheggs,bacon,andsausage.
IwalkovertothelittledinettetableIhaveofftotheside,pullingoutachair.Mysistersjoinmeaminutelater.“Yourlastmealasasingleperson,”Clarabellasays,sighing.
“CanwenotmakeitsoundlikeI’mhavingmylastmealbeforeI’mexecuted?”Isay,grabbingmyfork,andthethreeofthemlaugh.
“Youreadyfortoday?”Shelbyasksasshetakesabiteofhertoast.
“ThequestionIshouldbeaskingisareyouguysreadyfortoday?”Ilookatthem.Whenitcametoplanningthewedding,Ilefttheminchargeofitbecausetheyweretheprofessionalsafterall.IhadnoideawhatIwasdoing,andifadecisionneededtobemade,theycalledJennifer.
“Everythingisgoingtobeperfect,”Clarabellaclaims.“Idouble-checkedeverythinglastnightbeforeIwenthome.”Shesmilesatme,andthenherphoneringsinherhand.
“Privatecaller,”shesays,swipingonthephone.“Hello,”sheanswers,andIcanseeithappenallbeforemyeyes.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Herfacegoeswhiteasshelooksatmysister.“OhmyGod,wewillberightthere.”Thewayhervoicesounds,youknowthatit’snotgood.She’salreadyoutofherseat,andsoarewewhenshelooksatme.“Don’tfreakout,”shesays,andIdon’tknowifsheistellingmethisorherself.Itreallyfeelslikeit’sthecalmbeforethestormbecauseassoonasshesaysthewords,chaoserupts:“Thekitchenisonfire.”Chapter3
Harlow
“Okay,kiddo.”Ilookoveratmythirteen-year-oldniece,Sofia.“Givemeahug.I’llbegonethisweekend.”WespentthewholedayshoppingtogetherandthenhaddinnerbeforeIbroughtherback.ItwasoneofthebestdaysI’vehadinawhile.
Sofiawalkstomeandgivesmeahug,turningandwalkingtoherroomonhertippy-toes.Mybrother,Reed,andHazeljusthadtheirthirdchildamonthago,andwell,hecameintotheworldshowingthemwhytheyshouldn’thaveanotherchild.
“Areyoureallygoingtothatwedding?”ReedlooksatmeasIwalktothekitchen.Ipullopenthefridge,grabbingabottleofwater,andthenwalkovertotheisland.
“WhatamIsupposedtodo?”Ipulloutthestoolandsitdownnexttohim.“Imadeapromise,andapromiseisapromise.”AfuckingpromisethatI’vebeenregrettingeversinceIgothisweddinginvitiationinthemailamonthago.
“Idon’tthinkyouneedtokeepapromiseyoumadetoanex-boyfriend,”Hazelsays.“Anex-boyfriendyoustilllove.”
Irollmyeyesather.“Idon’tstilllovehim.”Itakeanothersipofwater,hopingthatshedoesn’tseethebullshitwrittenallovermyface.“Besides,Igotaninvitation.IfIdon’tshowup,he’sgoingtoknowitbothersme.”Ipushoffthecounter,theangercomingbacktomebecausewhothefuckinvitestheirexanythingtotheirwedding?“I’llgotothewedding,showmyface,smile,andwishhimwell.”IgivethemthesamesmileI’mgoingtogivehim.Myhandsareballedintofistsbesideme.“See?Fine.”Iturnonmyheelsandstormoutofthehouse.Slammingthefrontdoorbehindme,Istopandclosemyeyes,hopingtohellIdidn’twakethebaby.
Gettinginmytruck,ittakesmethreeminutestogethome.Grabbingallthebagsinmyhand,Iwalkupthefourfrontsteps,andthephoneringsfrommybackpocket.Ireacharoundtograbthephone,andtwobagsfalloutofmyhandatthesametimemyphonefallsoutofmyhandontothewelcomemat.“Fuck,”Ihuffout,pushingthehairawayfrommyfaceandseeingthatit’sRachel.
“Hello,”Igreet,puttingthephonetomyearandpressingitwithmyshoulderasIopenthefrontdoor.
“Hey,”Rachelsays.“I’mjustcallingtoaskwhattimeyouarearrivingtomorrow?”
“I’mleavinghomeateight,soIshouldbegettingtothehotelataroundnoon.”Iwalkpastthelivingroomthatleadstothekitchenandstraighttomybedroom.“Whataboutyou?”
“Ishouldbegettingthereatthesametime,”shesays.Itgetsquiet,andIstopmidstep.
“What’sthematter?”Iaskher,andshehuffs.
“Doyoureallywanttodothis?”sheasks,andIsitonthebed,thebagfallingfrommyhand.
“It’sclosure,”Ifinallysay.“Seeinghimagainwillbeclosure.”
“Nobodywouldthinklessofyouifyouoptedout,”Rachelreassuresme.
“I’mgoingtogotothatwedding,wishthemwell,andthenmaybe—justmaybe—getdrunkinmyroom.”
Shelaughs.“Fine,I’llberightthere.”
Ismile,andwehangupwiththeplanstotexteachotherwhenwegetthere.Ipacktwodresses,notsurewhichoneI’mgoingtowear,andwhenIslideintobed,Ilieawakemostofthenight.MemoriesofthefirsttimeImethimcomeback,andifIclosemyeyestightenough,Icanstillhearthewayheusedtosaymyname.Igiveupandgetoutofbedatsixanddecidetohittheroadandtakemytimegoingthere.
Istoptwiceontheway,andwhenIpulluptothehotel,mystomachstartstoflip-floplikeafishthatjustgotoutofthewater.Check-ingoesoffwithoutahitch,andI’mthankfulIdidn’tseeanyone.Iknowthatweareallstayingatthesamehotel,andIknowI’mgoingtohavetofacethemusicatonepoint,butnowisn’tthetimeIwanttodoit.Pushingopenthedoor,Iseeit’sastandardroomwithonekingbedandadeskinthecorneroftheroom.ItextRachelassoonasIgetintotheroom.
Me:I’mhereandinroom227
Iputthephonebesideme,walkingovertothewindowandlookingout.ThelasttimeIstayedinthishotelwaswhenhebroughtmebackhomeforhiscousin’swedding.Iputmyhandtomystomach,ignoringthepaininthemiddleofmychest.“Ineedashowerandthenanap.”
Thenaplastsafullforty-fiveminutesbeforethealarmrings,followedbyatextfromRachelthatsheisonherwayup.Aminutelater,theknockonthedoorcomes.IpullopenthedoorandsmilewhenIseeher.“Hi,”Isaywhenshewalksin,andshegivesmeahug.
“Icomebearinggifts,”sheannounces,holdingupthebrownpaperbag.Iclosethedoorbehindherwhenshewalksovertothedesk.Shepullsoutabottleofchampagneandanotherbottleoforangejuice.“Mimosasforeveryone.”
Ilaughandshakemyhead.“Idon’tknowifit’sagoodideatodrinkbeforethewedding.”
Racheljustshakesherhead.“Ifthereiseveragoodtimetodrinkbeforeawedding,it’swhenit’syourex’s.”Shegrabsoneoftheglassesfromthelittletrayonthedesknexttotheicebucket.“Trustme,Igoogled.”Sheholdsoutaglassforme.
“Imean,ifGooglesaidit.”Iwalktoher.“Thankyou.”Igrabtheglassfromherasshedoesherowndrink.
“Toclosure.”Shesmilesatme,andIhavetoblinkawaythetearsthreateningtocome.
“Toclosure,”Itoastsoftlyandtakeasipofthedrink.“Whatroomareyouin?”
“Rightnextdoor.”Shepointsatthewallthatseparatesus.“Thecarwillbehereinanhour.”
“Ialreadytookmyshower,”Isay.“AllIhavetodoisputmymakeupandthedresson.”
“Okay,well,I’mgoingtogoshower,”Rachelsays,pouringmorechampagneintohercup.“AndthenI’llcomeback.”Inodather.“It’sgoingtobefine.”
“Pieceofcake.”Ifakeit,andshewalksoutoftheroom.Ifinishthemimosaandwalkbacktothebathroomtodomymakeup.
Icombmyhairandthenblow-dryit,thewholetimewonderingifmegoingisreallythatgoodofanidea.ThemanIloveismarryingsomeoneelse.Ishakemyhead.No,themanIusedtoloveismarryingsomeoneelse.Idon’tlovehimanymore.Infact,whenitcomesdowntoit,Idon’tevenbelieveinloveanymore.
Imean,whowouldbelieveinlovewhentheonlypersonyou’veeverlovedbreaksyourheartandthrowsawayeverythingyouhad.Thehurtisstilltherefouryearslater.Thewoundhasbeenhealed,butthehurtandthepainaresomethingIwillneverforget.It’salsosomethingthatInevereverwanttogothroughagain.WhichiswhyInevergotinvolvedwithanyoneafterthat.Ididdate,occasionally,butIhadthiswalluparoundmyheart,andnothingwastearingitdown.
Goingthroughthemotionsofleavingmyhairdownwithsoftcurlsandthenputtingonlightmakeup,Iwalkovertotheclosetandopenthedoorseeingthetwodresseshanging.Grabbingthegreendress,Islipintoit.ThesilkissmoothonmybodyasIslidemyarmthroughtheonesleeveandthenzipitupattheside.Theelasticonthesleevemakesitpuffoutjustatouch.
Walkingovertothemirror,ItakeadeepbreathinandthenexhalewhenIlookatmyselfinthemirror.Idon’tevenhaveachancebecausetheknockonthedoorinterruptsme.
WhenIpullopenthedoor,Rachelstandsthereinherpurpledressthatistightuntilherknees.“OhmyGod,”shesayswhenshelooksatme.“Areyouwearingthat?”
Ilookdown.“Ihaveanotheroption,but…”
“Youlookfantastic,”shedeclares,andIwalkbacktowardthemirrorandtakemyselfin.Theone-sleevedgreensatindressisaneye-catcherforsure,especiallywithmytan.Ithugsmyhipsandfallsmidthigh.Thereisabigbowonmyhipthatmakesitelegantandsleek,thetwosashesfallingtothehemofthedress.“Ifhewasn’tgoingtobegreenwithenvybefore,hedefinitelywillnow.”
Ilaugh.“Idon’tthinkso.”Iwalktothebedandsliponmynudehigh-heelsandals.Onestraparoundmytoesandanotheraroundmyankle.“Areyouready?”Iask,andshenodsherhead.
“Thequestionis,areyouready?”Shepointsatme.
“Idon’tthinkI’lleverbeready,”Imumble,grabbingmysuedeclutchpurse.“Butthecarishere.”IlookatthenotificationonmyphonewhenI’mputtingitaway.
Wewalkdownthecarpetedhallway,neitherofussayinganything.Evenwhenthedriveropensthedoorforus.Ilookoutthebackofthecar,tryingtopushthememoriesbackintothelittleblackboxIstoredthemin.AboxthatwassealedshutuntilIgottheweddinginvitation.
Wepulluptothevenue,andIlookaroundtheparkinglotaspeopleareslowlystartingtoarrive.Gettingout,ItakealookaroundandseethatitreallyhaschangedsinceI’velastbeenhere.Hissistersarenodoubtkillingitwiththeirweddingbusiness.
Iwalkandlookup,seeingsomeonesmileatme,andIsmilebackawkwardly,wonderingifwemetthelasttimeIwashere.Iputmyhandtomystomach,andtheangerstartstofillmybody.
“Whatkindofmasochistinvitesthegirlheusedtolovetohiswedding?”IlookoveratRachel,andhereyeswiden.“Thinkaboutit?IfIwouldgetmarried,doyouthinkIwouldsendhimaninvitation?”
She’sabouttoanswermewhenIhearsomeonecallmynameandturntoseeJakeandFrankiecomingtowardus,bothoftheminasuit.“OhmyGod,”Jakesays,leaningdownandkissingmycheek.“Aren’tyouasightforsoreeyes?”
“Thereisnothingwrongwithyoureyes.”Ipointathim.“Howareyou?”ImovetowardFrankieandkisshischeekwhileJakesayshellotoRachel.
“Nottoobad,”Jakereplies.“WhereareLydiaandVictoria?”
Istandherewithmyclutchinmyhandinfrontofme,andIcanfeelmybodystarttofillwithnervesagain.“Theyshouldbeheresoon.WhataboutChris?”
“Hearrivesanyminute,andhe’scomingstraighthere,”Frankieexplains.“Thisiscrazy,”hesaysandthenlooksatme,andIfeelsoawkwardbeingherenow.IknowinmyheadIwasadamantaboutcoming,butmaybe,justmaybe,Ishouldhavesaidno.
“Weshouldgetinside,”Jakesaysandholdsouthishandforustowalkupthestepstowardtheceremony.
MyheartbeatssohardinmychestIdon’tevenknowhowI’mbreathing,letalonefunctioning.“Heregoesnothing,”Imumblewhenthedoorsopen,andIstepin.Chapter4
Travis
“HowdoIlook?”Iturnaroundtolookatmybestfriend,Bennett,whostandsbesideme.Thecollarofmyshirtfeelslikeit’sgettingtighterandtighter.Iputmyfingerbetweenmycollarandmyneck.Thetanlinensuitwassupposedtobelightandairy,butitsuddenlyfeelslikeaweightedblanketpushingmyshouldersdown.
“Youlooklikeyouarebeingcartedofftothemiddleoftownwheretheyaregoingtohangyou.”Hetriesnottolaugh.“Almostlikeyouhaveanoosearoundyourneck.”Hewearsthesamesuitasme,excepthistieisinhisjacketpocketfornow.Hepromisedhewouldputitonrightbeforewewalkeddowntheaisle.Sincekindergarten,thetwoofushavebeenbestfriends,andwhenwegotintohighschool,wedideverythingtogether.Wetriedoutforthesamesportsteams,wereinalmostthesameclasses.Eventhoughwewenttodifferentcolleges,IknewthatIcouldcountonhimforeverything.Nowthatwearebacklivinginourhometown,itisjustlikebeforeweleft.
“You’readick.”Ishakemyheadandlookaroundtheceremonyspace,standingtotheside.Mysistersreallyoutdidthemselves.Goldfoldingchairsfillwhatusedtobearun-downbarnthattheyrestoredandmadeintoachurch.Thebackofthebarnhasfloor-to-ceilingwindowslettinginallthenaturallight.Anarchinfrontofthechairslookslikevineswrappedtogetherwithwhiterosesstuckintothem.Softcandlesfloatinvasesalldowntheaislewithvineswrappedaroundthem.“Thisshitistootight.”Itakeasecondtolookaroundtheroomandseemymotheratthefrontoftheceremonyspace,greetingsomeoftheguestssheknows.Thesmileonherfacelooksfakeandstressed,butthatcouldjustbebecausethefiredepartmentdeemedthekitchenunusabletwohoursago.Shetriestolookcalm,cool,andcollected,butthemeltdownshehadthismorningwasanythingbutcool.Peoplearecomingin,andsomehaveeventakenaseattowaitforthemainevent.
Thedoorsopenagain,andIsuddenlyfeelashiftmoveinthespace.Myeyesgotothedoor,andeverythingstopsinsideme.IblinkmyeyestentimestoseeifI’mdreamingthis.“OhmyGod,”Bennettsaysfrombesideme,andwhatsoundslikeaherdofhorsesrunningthroughthefieldfillsmyears.Ifeellikemybodyisdetachingfrommybones.“IsthatwhoIthinkitis?”Myhandfallsfrommyneckasifitweighsathousandpounds.“Thatcan’tbe,”Bennettstillbesideme,andthenIseeJakeandFrankiewithher.“Whythehellwouldyouinviteher?”HewastheonlypersonIconfidedinwhenIbrokeupwithHarlow.Hewastheonewhodroveduringthemiddleofthenighttogettomeand
“Ididn’t,”aretheonlytwowordsthatcomeoutofme.Myeyesdon’tmovefromherasshelaughsatsomethingJakeissaying,andIwanttothroatpunchhim.“Whatthefuck?”
“So,it’snotjustmyeyes,”Bennettsaysfrombesideme,andIforcemyeyesawayfromherandthenturntohim.Theshockonhisfaceisapparentwhenheputshishandoverhismouth.“Ican’tbelieveyouinvitedher.”Helooksbackather,andeventhoughmyheadtellsmenottolookoverather,Idoitanyway.It’sevenworsethanbefore.Ifeelasifsomeonejustkickedmeintheballs,andmystomachhasbeenpushedtomythroat.She’sevenmorebeautifulthanshewasfouryearsago.Ishakemyheadandlookaround.
“Shelby,”IsaywhenIseeherofftothesidehiddeninoneoftherooms,andIstormovertoher.Bennettfollowsme.“Shelby,”IsaywhenIstepintheroomandseethatmysistersareallhuddledandlookliketheyareinthemiddleofaserioussituation.
“Oh,hey,”Clarabellasays,tryingnottoshowhowmuchshe’spanicking,butyoucanseehereyesmovearoundtheroom.
“CanoneofyouexplainwhythefuckyousentaninvitationtoHarlow?”Myvoicegoesfromlowtohigh,andBennettjumpsbacktoclosethedoor.Iturnbacktomysisters,loweringmyvoiceintoahiss.“WhothefuckinvitedHarlowtomywedding?”
“ItoldyouthatIwasinvitingyourfriendgroupfromcollege.”Shelbypointsouttome.“Iwantedtogooverthelistwithyou,andwhatdidyoutellme?”Sheglaresatme.“Idon’tcare,justinvitewhoever,gooveritwithMom,soIdid.”
“Harlow?”Presleysays.“LikeHarlow,‘theloveofhislife’Harlow?”ShelooksatShelbyandthenatmewhileIglareather.“Imean,notyourwholelife.”Sheputsherhandsup.“TheloveofhislifebeforeJennifer.”Shelaughsnervously.
“Nicesavethere,”Bennettquips,andshegiveshimthefingerwithasweetsmile.
“Okay,thequestioneveryoneneedstobeaskingiswhyisshehere?”Clarabellaasks,walkingovertothedoorandopeningit,andstickingherheadout.Shecomesbackinwithhereyeswide.“Damn,notonlyisshehere,thatdress.”Iholdupmyhand,andI’mbitingsohardonmyteethIthinkthatmyteethmightactuallyshatterinmymouth.
“Clarabella.”Igrowlhernamethroughsaidclenchedteeth.
“I’mjustasking.”Sheputsherhandsup.“Issheheretoobjecttothewedding?”
“Iwillkillsomeone,”Shelbysays.“Thereisnooneobjectingtoanything.Thisfuckingweddingisalreadyaweddingthatifyouweren’tmybrother,Iwouldsaytoreschedule,but.”Shesmiles,andIcanseeit’sfake.“Wearegoingtomakethebestofit.”
“Whatthehelldoesthatmean?”Isaytoher,andshelooksatmysisters,andneitherofthemwantstosayit.“Guys,wouldyouplease?”
“Okay,well,thekitchensituationissomewhathandled,”Shelbystartstosay.“IfonlyClarabellawouldcallLukeandbeghimtocaterit.”
“Iwouldrathergetmyassholebleachedwithlesions.”Shefoldsherarmsoverherchest.
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”Bennettlooksather.
“One,hebrokeupwithbestfriend.”Sheholdsupherhand.
“Ex-bestfriend,”Presleycorrectsher.“Yourex-bestfriend.”
“Whatever,it’sgirlcode.”Shethrowsherhandsuptotheceiling.
“Wasn’tshecheatingonhim,andthatiswhyyoustoppedtalkingtohim?”Presleyasksher.
“Itdoesn’tmatter.He’scockyandarrogant,andIdon’twanttocallhim.Youcallhim,”shetellsShelby.
“Heknowsyou,”Shelbycounters.“Andifthiswasmypartofthebusiness,Iwouldtotallyburymyprideandcallhim.”
“You’reanasshole,”Clarabelladeclares.“AndI’mgoingtodoit.”Shetakesherphoneoutofherpocket.“ForTravisandHarlow.”Shecorrectsherself,“Jennifer.”Shelooksatme,grimacing,knowingshefuckedup.“It’sjust,Isawher,andit’slikeHarlowandTravis.”Shethrowsherhandsupintheair.“I’mgoingtogoandcallLuke,”shesays,walkingoutoftheroomandclosingthedoorbehindher.
Ihangmyheaddown,myheadspinning,andIwalkovertothecouchintheroomandsitdown.Runningmyhandsthroughmyhair.“Ican’tbelieveyouinvitedher.”Ilookup,defeated,atShelby.“Ican’tbelievesheishere.”Isaythewordsoutloudinsteadoftomyself.It’sbeenfouryears;I’vegottenoverher.OratleastIthoughtIdiduntilIactuallysawheragain.Fuck,Iplayedthissceneoutinmyheadoverandoveragainforthelastfouryears.Well,notthissceneatmyweddingbutwhenIwouldseeheragain.ItdidnotgothewayIthoughtitwould,notevenclose.
Shelbycomesoverandsitsnexttome,andIseeBennettwalkbackoutoftheroom.“IwasjustasshockedasyouwerewhenIgotherresponseback.”Iturntoher,mymouthopening.
“Doyouthinkthatwouldhavebeenabettertimetotellmethatshewascoming,notwhenshewalkedintothechurch?”Iaskher,andsherollshereyes.
“Igotreinforcement,”Bennettsays,walkingbackintotheroomwithabottleofscotch.“It’sgoingtobeokay,”heassuresme,openingthebottleandhandingittome.“Justtakeagulp.”
“Donottakeagulp,”Presleysnaps.“That’sgoingtobegross,andwewon’tbeabletoserveit.”Sherunstotheclosetandcomesbackwithshotglasses.“Haveatit.”
“Thankyou,”Bennettsays,pouringashot,andIdon’tevenwaitforhimtofinishpouringhisownbeforeIswallowdowntheamberliquid.Itburnsallthewaydowntomystomach,andIholdouttheglassforanotherone.HelooksatShelby,andshenodsherhead,andhepoursmeanotherone.“Idon’tthinkthatyoushouldhaveanymoreafterthat
“OhmyGod,”Presleysays.“Imagineyousayhernamewhileyouareexchangingvows?”Sheputsbothhandstohercheeks,andShelbygaspsandjumpsupfromherseatbesideme.
“Whatiswrongwithyou?Whywouldyouputthatoutintotheuniverse?”shehuffsather,andthenthedooropensandallofoureyesgotoClarabella,whostandsthere.
“So,goodnews,”shesays,butfromhowshelooks,therehastobesomebadalso.“Lukesaidtoleaveeverythingtohim,andhe’llfigureitout.”
“ThankGod,”Shelbysaysfrombesideme
“Andbadnews,”Clarabellacontinuestalkingandthenstopswhenthesoundofsirensstartscomingcloserandcloser.“Wehaveaslightproblem.”Chapter5
Travis
“Whatthehellishappening?”IlookatClarabella.
“Jenniferishavinganallergicreactiontosomething,andwedon’tknowwhat,”Clarabellastartstosay,andweallrushtowardthebridalsuite.“Wethinkit’sthefuneralflowers.”
“Funeralflowers?”Bennettasksthemaswewalkdownthestairs.
“Wegotthewrongflowers,”Presleystatesasshefollowsus.“Insteadoftheweddingflowers,wegotfuneralflowers.Wedidn’twanttotellyoubecause,well,howmuchcangowrongwithonewedding?”
“Isn’titlikeathree-strikes-and-you’re-outkindofthing?”Bennettasks,andPresleyslapshisshoulder.“I’mjustasking,howdoIknow?Therewasthefridge.”Heholdsuponefinger.“Thefire,andnowthis.Oh,andweforgotthatHarlowshowedup,soit’sreallyfourstrikes.”
“It’sgoingtobefine,”Clarabellareassuresme.“Wejusthadtocalltheambulancebecause,well,herthroatstartedtogetscratchy,andthenwell.”Weallstopandlookather.“Herfaceblewup.”
“You,”Shelbysays.“Stayhere.”ShelooksatBennett.“Youkeephimhere.It’sbadlucktoseethebridebeforethewedding.”
“Trustme,thisisn’twhatisgoingtobringbadlucktothiswedding,”Bennettcounters,andallmysistersglareathim.Heholdsuphishands.“Fine,I’llmanthestation.Jeez,youtrytomakeajokeandeveryonewantstojumpdownyourthroat.”
Mysistersrunintotheroomatthesametimeastheambulancetechnicianscomeinthroughthebackdoor.“Excuseus,”theysayandgointotheroom.Icanhearthecommotionintheroom,andallIcandoispaceinfrontofthedoor.
“Thisiscrazy.”Irunmyhandthroughmyhairandholdmyneck,thetensioncomingallthroughmybody.
“Lookatthebrightside,”Bennettsays.“Howmanypeoplecanbelike,onmyweddingday…”
Ishakemyheadandstopmovingwhenthedoorsopen,andJenniferisrushedpastmeonagurney.
“Whatisgoingon?”Iask,runningnexttoher,andIcan’tseeherface.
“Wehavetogethertothehospital.She’shavingasevereallergicreaction,”oneoftheEMTssays,andeverythingishappeningsofastIdon’thaveaminutetothink.
“OhmyGod.”Irunouttowardtheambulanceandseethemplacingthegurneyinside.Oneoftheambulancetechnicianslooksatme.
“Iassumeyouarethegroom.Areyoucomingwithus?”heasks,andInodmyhead,andhemovestothesidetogivemeachancetogetup.Iputmyfootonthestepandgetintotheambulance.
“Letusknow,”Shelbystartstosaywhentheambulancetechnicianclosesthebackdoor.Theambulancetakesoffasecondlater.
“Jennifer,”Isay,gettingtoherside,andshelooksoveratme,andItrynottofreakout.Herlipsareswollententimestheirsize.Oneofhereyesissealedshut.Theotheroneisslowlygoingtoclose.“Areyouokay?”IholdherhandinmineandtrynottoshowherhowfreakedoutIam.
“Mythroatisscratchy,”shesaysandtriestoclearherthroat.
“DidyouguysgiveheranEpiPen?”Ilookoveratthetechnician,whojustnodshishead.
“Wearefourminutesout,”hesays.“Andwealreadygaveherone.”
“Well,it’sclearlynotworking,”Ipointout,lookingoveratJennifer,whoiswearingawhitesatinpjsset.Herblackhairishalfcurled,andshehasmakeupononeside.
“Issheallergictoanymedications?”heasks,andIhavetoadmitthatIhavenoidea.Thephonebuzzesinmypocket,andIignoreit.
“NotthatIknowof,”IsayandthenlookbackatJennifer,whoshakesherhead.IburyawaythevoiceinmyheadaskingmehowIdidn’tknowshewasallergictoanything.
Theambulancecomestoastop,thebackdooropens,andtheywhiskherout.Ikeepupwiththem.Theyusherherintotheroom,andthedoctorcomesin.Istandinthecorneroutoftheway,whiletheyaretalkingaboutwhattheygaveher.Thedoctorordersepinephrine.“She’sgoingintoanaphylacticshock.”Heinjectsherrightawayandthenlooksoveratme.“Whydon’tyoustepout?”
Iputmyhandonmyhead,andthenursecomesovertome.“She’sgoingtobefine,”shesaystomewithasmile.“Whydon’tyougogetsomethingtodrink?”shesays.IlookoveratJennifer,wholieswithherheadback,whilethedoctorcheckssomethingelseandistellingtheothernursetogethimsomething
IwalkovertoJenniferandputmyhandinhers.“I’llgoandgetyousomewater.”Shegroans,andIjustlookoveratthenursewhosmilesatme.Thephonevibratesagaininmybackpocket,andIwalkoutoftheroom.IclosemyeyesassoonasIgetinthehallwayandthenputmyheadback.Thephonebuzzesagaininmybackpocket,andI’monesecondawayfromthrowingitagainstthewall.
Takingadeepbreath,IheaddownthehallwayandawayfromherdoorbeforeItakemyphoneoutofmypocketandfindthatmyphonehasfivemissedFaceTimecallsandthentextsfromeveryone.
Mom:Doyouwantmetocometothehospital?
Shelby:Anynews?
Mom:I’mgoingtokeepeveryonecalmhere.Jennifer’smotherisamess.
Clarabella:Letmeknowifyouareokay
Bennett:Don’tworryaboutanythinghere!!!!
I’mabouttoanswerBennettwhenthephoneringsagain,andIseethatit’smysisterShelbyFaceTimingme.Ipresstheconnectbutton.“Whythehellwouldwesaythatthewaitstaffgotintoanaccident?”SheglaresatClarabella,whojustshrugs.“Thelastthingheneedsistohearmorebadnews.”
“Hi,”Isay,interruptingthem,andtheybothlookbackatthephonewiththeireyeswide.
“Howisshe?”Shelbycomesbacktome,andIseepeoplewalkingaroundbehindher,andthenIseehermovingoutoftheroom.
“Thedoctorisinwithhernow,”Istarttosay.
“Listen,don’tworryaboutanythingoverhere,”Shelbyassuresme.“Everyoneiswaiting,andifanything,wecandotheceremonyduringthereception.Whichwillgivetheservicestaffenoughtimetogethere.”
Iclosemyeyesandleanbackagainstthewall.“Canonethinggorighttoday?”Iaskher,andshejuststaresatme.
“Thisisjustahiccup,”shesayssoftly,andIseehersitonthecouch.“It’sabumpintheroad.”
“It’sameteorthatcrashedintoearth,”Icorrecther.
“Andthealiensareinvadingus,”Clarabellasays,andShelbyjustglaresather.
“It’snotthatbad.I’veseenworse.”Sherollshereyes.
“Haveyoureally?”Iask,andshedoesn’tanswer.“Didn’tthinkso.”
Ilookupandseethedoctorcomingoutoftheroom.“Doctorishere.Letmecallyouback.Telleveryonethenews.”
Idisconnectandwalktowardhimashestandsoutsideofherdoorandwritesonherchart.“Howisshe?”IaskwhenIgetcloseenough,andhelookstowardme.
“Sheisgoingtomakeafullrecovery,”hesays.“Istronglysuggestthatshehasanallergytestdoneassoonaspossible.”Heclosesthechart.“She’sgoodtogoinabit.”
“Thankyou,”Isayandwalkbackintotheroom.Ilookoveratherassheliesonthebedwithherheadbackonthepillow.Makingmywaytoher,Iseethatherlipsarealreadystartingtogodown.Heroneeyeopens,andsheseesme.“Hi,”Isaysoftly,sittingonthebedbesideher.“Howareyoudoing?”
“Awful,”shesays,andIseeatearescapefromtheeyethatisstillsealedshut.“Ican’tgetmarried.”
Ireachoutandtouchherhand.“Wedon’thavetogetmarriedtoday.”Ismileather,andshepullsherhandawayfromme.
“Idon’tmeantoday,”shesaysandthenlooksdownandthenupatme.“Idon’twanttomarryyou.”
Istareatherinshock.“I’msorry,what?”
“Ialmostdiedtoday.”Shesitsupinthemiddleofthebed.“Doyouknowwhatwentthroughmyheadthewholetime?”
“Ihavenoidea,”Isay,lookingather,anditdawnsonmethatthisnewsisnotdestroyingme.
“Thethoughtthatwewouldbetogetherfortherestofmylife.”Ilookather,andifthiswasn’thappeningtome,Imightjustburstoutlaughing.“Like,don’tgetmewrong,youareamazing.”
“Idon’tknowifthatissupposedtomakemefeelbetterornot,”Isay,andmycollarfeelslikeit’sgoingtostrangleme,soIloosentheknotonthetieandthenundothetopbuttonoftheshirt.
“Youareamazing,”shesays,reachingouttoputherhandonmine.“ButIdon’tknowifIloveyoulikethat.”Ijustlookather,notsurewhattosay.“Thelasttwoweeks,I’vebeengoingoverthisinmyhead.”Sheblinksastheswolleneyestartstoopenalittlebit.“I’vebeenwondering,isthisreallywhatIwant.”
Igetup,takingoffmyjacket.“Youthinkmaybewecouldhavediscussedthisbeforewehadawholevenuefullofpeople?”
“Oh,comeon,Travis,”shesays.“Youcan’thonestlysaythatyoureallywantedtogetmarriedinthefirstplace.”
“Well,Ishowedup,”IretortbecauseI’mnotreallysureIwantedtogetmarriedinthefirstplace.Especiallyaftertoday.“Whydidn’tyousayanythingbeforetoday?”
“Ididn’treallyknow,”shesayssoftly.“AndthentodaywhenIwasgettingmymakeupdoneandthenmythroatstartedtogetallscratchy,andIwasthinkingaboutwhatweweregoingtodo.Itjust…”Ishakemyhead.“IthinkI’minlovewithJackie.”Shewringsherhandstogether.
“Jackie?”Iask,shocked,likeabombjustwentoff.“Jackie,likeyourroommateJackie?”
Withtearsinhereyesandrollingdownhercheeks,shenodsherhead.“Iknowthatit’swrong.”Shewipesatearaway.“Andmyuberreligiousparentsaregoingtocondemnmetohellbut…”
Iholdupahand.“Soyou’retellingmethatyou’regay?”
“Idon’tknow,”sheadmits.“I’veneverdoneanythingaboutit.Iknowthatthethoughtofnotbeingwithhermakesmyhearthurt.”
“Isthiswhyyouneverwantedtomoveinwithme?”Iaskher,thinkingofallthetimesshemadeexcuses.Itwasn’ttherighttime.Thingsweretoobusy.Heck,shesleptoveratmyhouseamaxoffourtimes.
“Idon’tevenknowifshefeelsthesamewayaboutme,”shesays.“ButIcan’tmarryyouifIfeelthisway.”
“Idon’tknowwhattosay,”Ianswerher.
“Doyouloveme?”sheasks.
“Yes,”Ianswerherhonestly,andshetiltsherheadtotheside.
“Likefull-oncompletelyloveme?”Shepointsatherself.“Giveyourlifeawayformylove?”Iknowtheanswer,myheadknowstheanswer,myheartdefinitelyknowstheanswer.ButIcan’tsayitoutloud.SeeingHarlowwalkintothechurchtodayjustmadeeverythingsocrystalclear.IthoughtIwasinlovewithJennifer.ButIwasfoolingmyself.TherewasnooneIcouldhavelovedasmuchasIdidHarlow.Nooneevencameclosetocompletingmelikeshedid.Forthelastfouryears,Ihavefooledmyselfintothinkingthatshedidn’texist.Yetonefuckinglookather,andIwasrightbackthere.Instead,Itakeadeepinhaleandthenexhale.“Exactly.Imean,thinkaboutit;youdidn’tevenpropose.Itcameuponedaywhenwewerehavinglunchwithyourfamily,andyourmotheraskedifweweregoingtogetmarried,andwejustsaidyeah.Itwasmorealongthelinesofwell,wearedating,sowemightaswelltakethenextstep.Neitherofusdaredtobackout,butnow,afteralmostdying,Ican’tmarryyou.”
“Whatdoyouwanttotellpeople?”Iaskher,knowingthatI’mgoingtohavetocallmysisters.
“Idon’tcare.Youcanblameme.”Sheshrugs.“Butwhateveryoudo,youneedtodoitnow.Therearetwohundredpeopleexpectedtoattendthereception.”Shemovestogetoutofbed,andIstopher.
“I’lltakecareofthis,”Isay.“Youstayhere.”Iturn,walkingoutoftheroom,stopping.“I’llsendJackie,”Iadd,andshesmilesatme.
“Youreallyareamazing,”shesaystome,andIturnandwalkoutoftheroomthinkingaboutwhatthefuckI’mgoingtotelltwohundredpeople.Chapter6
Harlow
“Iwonderwhatthehellisgoingon?”Rachelleansovertomeandmumbles.“Itlookslikechickensrunningaroundwithouttheirheads.”Ilookupfrommychairandseethathissistersaretryingtoremaincalm,butyoucantellintheirfacesthatsomethingterriblejusthappened.Itdoesn’thelpthatanambulanceleftashortwhileago,andtheyannouncedthattherehadbeenadelay.
“It’sawedding,”Istate.“Thingsalwaysgowrongatweddings.”
“Howmanyweddingshaveyoubeento?”Victoriaasks,leaningoverRachel.“I’vebeentofiveinthelastfourmonthsandthisisthefirsttimeit’sbeenthischaotic.”
“Iwasatonelastweekend,”Lydiashares.“Itwasnothinglikethis.”
“Youshouldgoandaskifeverythingisokay,”Victoriasuggests.
Igasp.“WhythehellwouldIgo?”Ilookaround,andeversinceIwalkedintotheceremonyspace,I’vedonemybesttokeepmyheaddownandavoidanyeyecontactthatIwouldhavewithanyone.IwalkedwithmybackalmostagainstthewallandthensatdownintheclosestseatIcouldfind.MyheartwasinmythroatthewholetimeandIprayedtoallthesaintsintheworldthatIwouldn’tthrowupeverywhere.
“Youknowthem,maybetheywilltellyouwhyanambulancewashere,”Lydiasays.
“I’mgoingtogetadrink,”Rachelstatesandlooksdownatme.“Andyou’recomingbecausemaybewithyoutheywillgivemesomething.”
“Ohh,”Lydiasays.“I’lltakeadrink.”
“Me,too,”Victoriaadds,andIlookbackatRachel,whojustgivesmealook.
“It’stoolate.You’realreadyhere.Youthinknooneisgoingtoseeyou?”Irollmyeyesatherandgetup.“Fine.Butgetthedrinkandthengetback.”
“Doyouthinktheambulancewasherebecauseshefoundoutyouwerehereandthentriedtostabhim?”Lydiajokes,andshecan’thelpbutthrowherheadbackandlaugh,butthespaceissoopen,andnooneelseislaughing,soalleyescometous.
Itakeasecondtolookaround,andIseehismomfirst.Shelooksatmeinshock.Trustme,Iknowthisisweird,Iwanttosaytoher,butallIcandoissmileatherwhileholdingupmyhandandwavingather.
Sheleaveswhoeversheistalkingtoandstartstocomeovertome.MyhearthammersinmychestasIwalkoutintothepathwaybesidethechairs.“Ohmyword!”sheexclaimswhenshegetscloseenough.“Ican’tbelieveit.”Shesmilesatme,andIdon’tknowwhatIexpected,butitwasn’tthebighugshegivesme.“Harlow.”Shesaysmyname,andIfightbackthetearsthatarethreateningtocomeout.Sheletsgoofmeandstepsback.“Ican’tbelieveit’syou.”Sheholdsoneofmyhandsinhers.Shehasalwaysbeenkindtome,andIwonderedwhathetoldhisfamily.Imean,Iwasn’tthatclosetothemthattheywould’vereachedouttome,butIdidstillfollowthemonsocialmedia.“Youlookstunning.”
“Thankyou,Deborah.”I’mfinallyabletospeak.“Youlookgreat.”Ismileather,andshedoesinherlightgraylacetop,matchedwithadarkgraysatinskirtthatgoesdowntothefloor.
“Whathaveyoubeenupto?”sheasksasshemovesmeawayfromthechairsandtowardtworedbarndoorsthatleadintowhatisthereceptionarea.Thedoorswereclosedwhenwewalkedin,butthentheyslowlyopenedaninchatatime.IrefusedtolookinsidebecauseIwasn’tsureifIwouldbeabletokeepmyselfcomposed.Thiswholedayhasbeendraining,andIhaveregrettedcomingeverysinglesecond.ButIamhere,andIamnotgoingtobackdown.
“Nothingmuch.Ihavemypracticebackhome.”Mychestfillswithpride.“Everythingisgreat.”IstopwalkingwhenIseehissisterscomingtowardus.Deborah’sfacegoeswhite,andhereyeswiden.
“Isweartoeverything,”shesaysbetweenclenchedteeth.“Ifthereisonemorethingthatyouhavetotellme.”Ilookathissisters,whohavefrazzledlooksontheirfaces.
“Well,thewaitstaffjustgotintoanaccident,andwell,wehavenoonetohelpserve,”Shelbysays.
“WhatcanIdotohelp?”Thewordscome,anditdoesn’tevenregisterinmybrainthatIsaidthemaloud.
“Wecouldn’taskyou,”Clarabellasays,shakingherheadandthenlookingoveratthedoorthatjustslammedshut.“Ugh,he’shere.”Ilookoveratthemanwhojustwalkedin.HewearsjeansandaT-shirt,hisblackhairpushedbackashiseyessearchtheroom,andthenwhenheseesher,hestops.“I’llberightback.”
“Benicetohim,”Shelbyhisseswhenshewalksawayandflipsthebirdbehindherhead.IrollmylipsbecauseDeborahlookslikeshe’sabouttothrottlethemall.
“Whycan’tyouthreejustgetalong?”Shesmilesasshesaysit,butshehissesitout.“Thisisafuckingcatastrophe.”Shewavesatsomeonesheknows.“Weneedtogetsomefoodanddrinksserved.”
“Alreadyonthat,”Shelbysays.“I’vegotBennetttendingbar.”
“Icanhelphim.”Again,mymouthgetsmeintroublebeforemyheadtellsmetoshutthefuckup.
“Areyousure?”Presleylooksatme.“Youdon’thaveto.”
“It’smorethanokay.”Ismileasmystomachdipsandthenrisesagain.“Justshowmewherethebaris.”
“Iwill,”Presleysays.“You.”ShepointsatShelby.“Getthoseguys.”ShepointsatJake,Frankie,andChris.“Topassaroundsomefingerfoods.”Thenshepointsathermother.“Youstayfreakingcalmandmingle.”
“WhatthehellamIsupposedtosayishappening?”Deborahasks,thewholetimesmiling.
“You’llthinkofsomething,”Shelbysays.“Youalwaysdo.”
“Comewithme,”Presleysays,motioningwithherhead.Ifollowhertothebigdoorsthatwerehalfopen,andIstepinandstopwalkingtheminuteItakeitallin.Theexposedbeamshavetuillehangingfromit.Longwoodentablesaresetupeverywherewithbrownfoldingchairsandcream-coloredcushions.Cream-coloredrunnersonallthetableswithglassvaseswithfloatingcandlesineachofthem.Abigdancefloorisinthemiddlewithbiglanternshangingfromtheceilingwithgreenvinesallaroundit.
“It’ssoromantic,”Isay,puttingmyhandtomystomach.
“Thankyou,”shesays.“Theyleftituptous,sowehopetheyloveit.”Ilookather,shockedandsurprisedthattheydidn’thaveasayinthis.“Thebarisoverthere.”Shepointsatthelongwoodenbarinthebackcorner.“I’llgoandtellthemthattheycancomeandgetdrinks,”shesays,lookingdownandthenup.“Areyousureyou’reokaydoingthis?”
“What,youneverhadtheex-girlfriendshowuptoawedding?”Ijoke,andshelaughsnow.
“NotthatIknowof,andiftheydid,noonesaidanything,”Presleyreplies.“It’sgoodtoseeyou.”
“It’sgoodtoseeyou,too.”Ipointatthebar.“I’mgoingtogoandtendthebar.”
Shenodsatmeassherushesbackoutthedoorsthatwecamein,andwhenIgetclosetothebar,Bennettturnsaroundandstopswhenheseesme.“Well,wellwell,”hesays,tryingtohidehissmile.“Fancyseeingyouhere.”
Iwalkaroundthebar,chuckling.“It’snotthatweird,”Isaytohim,andhiseyebrowspinchtogether.“Okay,fine,it’sweirdasfuck,butI’mhere,andImightaswellhelp.”
Heputshisarmaroundmyshoulder,justlikehedidthefirsttimehemetme.“It’sgoodtoseeyou,”headmits,andIwrapmyarmaroundhiswaist.“Shockingbutgoodtoseeyou.”Ithrowmyheadbackandlaugh.
“It’sgoodseeingyou,too,”IsayasIlookoverandseepeoplenowtricklingintothespace.“Itlookslikethepartyisstarting.”
“Well,let’shopethebrideandgroomgetheresoon,”hesays,andIwanttoaskhimwhathe’stalkingabout,butIdon’thavetimewhentenpeopleheadstraightforus.“Thinkyoucankeepupwithme?”
Ishakemyhead.“YouforgotthatIusedtoworkatmycousin’sbar.”Ilookaroundtoseewhereeverythingiskept.“Thisisgoingtobeapieceofcake.”Ileanonthebar.“BetyouIcanservefivepeoplebeforeyou.”
“Oh.”Hepointsatme.“It’son.”Heslipsoffhisjacketandrollsuphissleeves,andIcan’thelpbutslapmyhandstogetherandlaugh.
Iturntowardthepeopleinfrontofthebarandstartservingthem.Ittakesmeacoupleofminutestoseethatthebottlesareplacedalphabetically,whichBennettdoesn’tseemtoget,andwhenIservethetenthperson,he’sstillservinghisfourth.
Ilookaroundtoseethattheroomisalmostfilledupasthebridesmaidsallstandbythedoor,lookingforthebride.IwalkuptoBennett.“CanIaskwhatisgoingon?”Iturntolookateveryonemingling.
“Bride’sfaceswelledup,”heshares,andIcan’thelpthewaymymouthopensinshock,andmyeyesareprobablythesizeofsaucers.“Shewasallergictosomething.”
“OhmyGod,”Isay,andthenIturnmyhead,andIseehim.Everythinginmestops:myheart,mymind,mybreathing.Itallstops.TheonlythingthatmovesaremyeyeswhenIfollowhim.Iforcedmyselftoeraseallofhispicturesfrommyphone.Iforcedmyselftoblockhimonallsocialmediasites.Iforcedmyselftoforgetwhatheevenlookedlike,butmyheartstillremembered.Hishairisatouchlonger,andhisfiveo’clockshadowiscominginstrong.Myfingersmove,thinkingbacktohowitusedtopinchmewhenIgrabbedhisfaceinmyhandsrightbeforeIkissedhim
Hewalkswithhisjacketinonehand,thecollarofhisshirtopen,andhissleevesrolleduptotheelbows.Hischestlookslikehegotbigger,andsodohisarms.Iseehimsearchtheroomforsomeone,andhefindsherandwalksovertoher.Shelookslikesheisoneofthebridesmaids.Hewalksovertoher;shegetsupfromherchairwhensheseeshim.Heleansdownandsayssomethingtoher,andIcanhearhisvoiceinmyhead,thewayheusedtosaymyname.Thewomanlooksathim,shocked,andthenrushesout.
Traviswatchesherleaveandthenputshisheaddown.He’sevenbetterlookingthanhewasinmymemories.Heisevenhotterthanhewaswhenhewasyounger.He’samannow,anditshows.MymouthgetsdrywhenIseehimlookupandthenmakehiswaytothebar.I’mabouttotellBennettthatI’mgoingtoleavewhentheinevitablehappens.
Hiseyesmeetmine,mywholebodyshiversfromhislook,andthenhethrowshisheadbackandlaughs.“Ofcourse,youwouldbebehindthebar.”Chapter7
Travis
Myeyesmeethers,andmyheartfuckingsoars.EverythingIwasfeelingonthewayhereisgonewithonelookather.Ican’thelpbutputmyheadbacktolaughattheironyofwhattodayis.Myfuckingweddingday,andshewalksintothechurch.“Ofcourse,youwouldbebehindthebar.”IsitononeofthestoolsbythebarandlookoveratBennett,whojustgivesmeachinup.I’msurehe’sdyingtoaskmeallthequestions,buthe’sgivingmeachancetocatchmybearings.
“IfiguredthisistheonlyplacewhereIcouldhelp.”Icansmellherfromthissideofthebar,andittakesmebacktoallthosetimeswewouldgotothebar,andIwouldsitonastool,andshewouldstandbetweenmylegs.Mymindgoesbacktooneofthelasttimesithappened.
Sittingonastoolwhenshewalkedin,hereyesscannedtheroombeforeshefoundme.Shesmiledandthenmadeherwaythroughthecrowdofpeople.Iturnedonthestoolassheplacedherbaginthemiddleofthefeetofthestool.“Hi.”Ismiledather,andsheleanedinandkissedmylips.
Myhandswentstraighttoherhips,andsheturnedandlookedatthebar.“Whatarewehaving?”shesaidandplacedherbacktomyfront,andthatiswhereshestoodallnightlong.Onehandonmylegwhileshetalkedtopeople,withoneofmyhandsonherhip.Iwouldleaninandburymyfaceinherneck,andIfeltatpeace.
Ihearwhispersallaroundme,andI’mbacktomyweddingvenue.IwatchHarlowasshewalksdownthebar.Nowgrabbingaglass,shewalksoverandtakesthebottleofscotchdown,fillsittwofingersin,andputsitinfrontofme.
Ishakemyheadbecausesheknowsme,alsobecausehowfuckingcrazyisitthatshe’shere.Igrabtheglassanddownitinoneshot.Theburningfollowsallthewaytomystomach.“Anotherone?”sheasks,andInodmyhead,knowingthatshitisgoingtohitthefaninamatterofminutes.
Sheleansoverandpoursanothertwofingers,andIsmileatherandtaketheglass,laughingattheironyofthis.IdownitagainandthenlookoveratBennett,whojuststandstherewaitingforwhateverIamgoingtosay.“Weddingisoff,”Isaytohim,andhejustputshishandinfrontofhismouth.Idon’tlookatHarlow,Ican’t,andwhenIgetup,mysistersareatmyside.Iholdupmyhandtostopthemfromtalkingandwalkovertothestage.
Igrabthemicrophoneandturniton.Itapitoncetoseeifthereisasoundthatcomeson.IlookoutatthepeoplewhohavegatherednowandseeJake,Frankie,andChrisstandingbythedoor,andtheyjustchinuptome.Ilookovertowardmymother,wholookslikeshe’sabouttostormthestageasshestandswithmysisters.“Testing,onetwothree,”Isayasmyvoicefillsthevenue.“Hi,everyone.”Iliftmyhandawkwardly.“Firstoff,I’dliketothankyouallforcoming,”Isay,lookingaroundandseeingthatJennifer’sparentsaren’there.NodoubttheytookoffwithJackietoseeher.“Iwanttothankmysistersforeverythingtheydidtomakethisdayspecial.”Ilookovertothemandknowthattheyareallstandingtogethernow,glaringatmeforsomethingthattheywillbesuretotellmeassoonasIstepdown.“Withthatsaid,”Icontinue.“Wehavetoannouncethattheweddingisoff.”Therearegaspsallovertheroom,especiallyfrommymother,whoisnowglaringatmealso.“Thankyoutoeveryoneforcomingout,andIinviteyoutomakefulluseofthebar.”Ipointovertothebarwheretheguyshavenowmadetheirway,alongwithRachel,Victoria,andLydia.“AndifI’mnotmistaken,thereisalsosomefoodcoming.”Ilookatmysisters.“Ihope.”Iturnthemicoffandwalkdownthesteps,andmysistersarethefirstonestopounceonme.
Shelbysays,lookingaround,“Um,whereisJennifer?”
“Atthehospital,”Istate,andItrytowalkpastherandtowardthebarbecausesomethingtellsmeIshouldhaveanotherdrink.Itmightnotbeagreatideagiventhatpeoplewillwanttotrytotalktome,butwhatever.
“So,isthisweddingpostponed?”Clarabellaistheonewiththebigenoughballstoaskme.
“No,”Iconfirm,shakingmyhead.“Definitelycanceled.”Ilookupattheceilingandcanfeelthepoundingheadachecomingon.Ormaybeit’sthebooze.
“Fuck,”Presleycurses.“Incoming.”Shetriestogivemeawarning,butit’snotenoughtimewhenmymotherstepsinfrontofthem.
“Excuseme,”shesays,lookingaroundtoseeifthereisanyonewithinearshotsosheknowswhetherornotshecancursemeoutornot.Luckilyforeveryone,theyaretoobusywhisperingtoeachother,nodoubtmakingupdifferentstories.“WhereisJennifer?”Shedoesn’tevengivemetimetoanswer.“Canwenotgettheministerandgetmarriedatthehospital?”Shelooksaround,searchingfortheminister.
“Um,theministernevershowed,”Shelbysays,andIcan’thelpbutlaugh.Iftherewereeversignstosaynottogetmarried,thiswasthesignsofallsigns.
“Ofcourse.”Ishakemyhead.“Iwanttoknowwhatdidgoright?”
“It’sfine,”Clarabellasays.“I’mordained,soIwouldhavebeenabletojumpin.”
“Well,thengoodthingit’snothappening,”Isay,andItrytowalkawayfromthem,butIcan’tmove.
“Justaminute,youngman,”mymothersays,andmysisterslaughandthenstopwhenmymothergivesthemthatlook.
“Youngman?”Shelbyistheonewhocan’tkeepherfacestraight.“He’salmostthirty.Wehavetodroptheyoung.”
“Whyaren’tyougoingbacktothehospitalwithher?”Mymotherasksthequestionindirectly.Shecocksonehipandwaitsformyanswer.
“Because,Mom,webrokeup,”Iexplain,andBennettshowsupoutofnowhere.
“Sorrytointerrupt,”hesays,handingmeaglasswithscotchinit.“Thoughtyoumightneedthis.”Helooksaroundatthegroup.“Tohelpwiththis.”Hishanddoesacircleofthegroup.“I’llhaveanotherbroughttoyourightaway.”
“Morethanyoucaneverknow,”Imumbleandfinishoffthedrink.Heturnsandwalksaway,goingbacktothebar.“Bottomlineisit’soverand…”Idon’tknowwhatelseIwasgoingtosay.Theburningofmystomachisnowreplacedwithwarmheat.“Turnsoutshedidn’twanttogetmarried.”Ileaveoutthepartthatshedidn’twanttomarrymeandthatshewasinlovewithJackie.That’snotformetoshare.
“I’llgetthegueststakencareof,”Shelbyannounces.
“I’llcheckwiththekitchenandhavethefoodcomeoutinbitesizesinsteadofplated,”Clarabellasays.
“I’llcheckwiththemusicandseeifwecangetitgoing,”Presleyadds.
Thethreeofthemgoindifferentdirections,andit’sjustmymotherandme.“Areyouokay?”sheasks,hervoicesoft.
“Actually.”Ilookdownattheemptyglassinmyhand.“Iam.”Ilookover,seeingthatmostpeoplehavestayed.“Betternowthanlater,right?”
“Shewasn’ttheone,”mymothersaysnow,andIlookatherandseeherdabbingthecornersofhereyes.“Whenit’stherightone,you’llknow.”Mymotherlooksoveratthebar.“Maybetherightonewasatthewrongtime.”
Ilookoveratthebar.“Ormaybeshewastherightoneallalong,andIwasstupidandscaredshewouldn’tpickme.”
“Onlyonewaytofindout.”Shecomestomeandkissesmycheek.“Truthbetold,youmightstillbestupidandscared.”
“Notsureaboutscared,”Ijokewithher.“Definitelystillstupid.”IlookbackoveratHarlowandseehermovingbehindthebarasifshedoesthisallthetime.Iwonderhowshe’sbeen.Iwonderifsheishappy.Iwondersomanyfuckingthings,andallIcandoisstandherestaringather.ButthereisnomistakingthatshestilltakesmybreathawayandmakesmefeelthingsIthoughtweregoneforever.
“I’mproudofyou.”Shecupsmycheek.“Now,Ishallgoandmingle.”
Shewalksawayfromme,andIhavetosaythatthatwentbetterthanIcouldeverimagineitgoing,liketenfold.Iwalktowardthebarandseemycollegefriendsallhuddledononeside.Igetcloser,andtheguyslookupatme,andoneofthemjusthandsmetheirdrink,andItakeitwithoutcaringwhatitis.“Well,thisisnice,”Isay,andIlaugh.
“Listen,ifyouwantedtoseeussobad,”Frankiestarts,takingapullofhisbeer.“Allyouhadtodowasask.Youdidn’thavetogooutofyourwayandpretendtogetmarried.”
Ithrowmyheadback,andIlaughathim.“Guilty,”Isay,takingagulpofthedrink.Ilooktothesideandseetenpeoplenowrunningin,allwearingblackwithwhitedressshirts.Twoguyscomeoverandwalkbehindthebar.
“IthinkthismeansI’mfired,”Harlowdeclaresandwalksovertothesinktowashherhands.Ifollowhereverymove.Idon’tthinkitsankinthatshe’sreallyhere.ShewalksovertoBennettnow.“Goodjob,”shesays,holdingupherhandforhimtogiveherahighfive.“ButIstillwon.”
“Ididn’tknowwhereanyofthebottleswere,”hewhinestoherretreatingback.“Weshouldhavearematch.”
Sheshakesherheadandwalksoutfrombehindthebar.Rachelwhisperssomethingintoherear,andshesmilesandnodsherhead.“Okay,people,”Jakesays.“Weknowthedrill.”Helooksoveratthebartender.“Wewilltakenineshotsoftequila.”Thebartendernodsathimandpoursnineshots,andthenhelooksatallofus.“It’stimetoplaymonkeybusiness.”
Everyonenowgroansandthenlaughs.“Gottobringitbackold-school,”Isay,lookingoveratHarlow,whomadeupthegame.
“Ifthereiseveratimeformonkeybusiness,”Harlowsaysandturnstohandmeashot.Ilaughbecauseshealwayshadawaytomakemefeelbetter.IfIhadacrappydayatschool,shewouldordermyfavoritefood.IfIgotabadresultback,shewouldturnoffallthelightsintheroom,andwewouldplaytouchy-feely,asshecalledit,tryingtofindeachother.That’sHarlow,thatiswhosheis.ThatiswhoIpushedawayandforcedmyselftobelievethatIdiditsoshedidn’thavetochoosemeoverherfamily.IpushedherawaybecauseIwasscaredthatshewouldsacrificeeverythingthatshewantedforme,andthenshewouldendupresentingme.Ipushedheraway,scaredthatintheend,shewouldn’tpickme.“It’sdefinitelynow.Whowantstostart?”Chapter8
Harlow
“Tomcat,”Bennettsays,andeveryonelaughsathim.“It’sananimal.”
“No,it’snot,”Presleysaysfromherspotbesidehim.Wemovedfromthebartoatablewhenthemusicstarted.Peopleslowlystartedtoleave,andnowitwasjustourtableleft.We’vebeenplayingthisgameforthelasthour,andthedrinkshavebeenflowing.Thetensionofmebeinghereisgone,oratleastitdoesn’tbothermenowbecauseIhaveboozeflowingthroughmysystem.
SittingatthetablebetweenRachelandVictoria,it’sdefinitelydifferentfromwhenwedidthisbefore.EspeciallysinceIusedtoeithersitbesideTravisorontopofhim.Nowheisfacingme,andIamhavingahardtimenotlookingoverathim.Iwould,ofcourse,havetolookoverathimwhenitwashistimeduringthegame,butwhenitwasn’t,Iwouldsneaklooksoverathimandhopehewouldmissme.Acoupleoftimes,Icaughthimlookingandjustsmiledathim.Mywholebodywasonhighalertasifitwaswaitingforhistouch.WhenhecametothebarandIhandedhimadrink,itwastomakemyselfnotreachoutforhim.ItwaswhatIalwaysdid.Ihadtotellmyselfthatitwasthepastandhewaswithsomeonenow.Itwashardformetoswallow,butIdiditforhim.IdiditbecauseIpromisedhimthatIwouldbehereandIwasawomanofmyword.Imean,IalsopromisedtokickhimintheballsthenexttimeIwouldseehim,sothereisapromisethatIdon’tknowifIwillkeep.
Hisvoicewhenhesaiditwascanceled,IthoughtIwasn’thearinghimcorrectly.Ithoughtitwasamistake,andthenheannouncedit,andIhadallthequestionsintheworld.Whatthehellwashappening?Wherewasthebride?Whochangedtheirmind?Allthequestionsyetknewthatheowedmenothing.
“I’mgoingtothebathroom,”Isay,standingup,theroomspins,andthenIsitdownandlaugh.Ilookaroundthetabletoseeifanyoneiswatchingandfindhiseyesonme.Hiseyesareatouchlighterthantheywerewhenhewalkedin.Hissidesmirkmakesmystomachflipandflop,andthenthefeelinggoesatouchlowertoaspecificareahedefinitelymadehappydaily.It’sthesmirkthatIusedtoreachupandtouchwithmyindexfingerrightbeforeIleanedinandkissedhislips.
“Whatisthatsmirkabout?”Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckasheplacedhishandsonmyhips.Hishandsalwayswereonmyhips,wherehesqueezedmeandpulledmetowardhim.
Hewouldliftoneofhishandsandpushmyhairtothebackofmyshouldersohecouldleaninandwhisperinmyear.“BecauseIknowwhatI’mgoingtobedoingtoyouafterweleavehere.”Iwouldthrowmyheadbackandlaugh,andhewouldtaketheopportunitytoleaninandkissmyneckwhilehewrappedhisarmsaroundmywaist,andIwouldbestucktohim.
“YouarefortunatethatIlikeyou,”Iwouldsaytohim,andthatwouldmakehimlaugh,givingmetheopportunitytokisshisneckandslipmyhandsintothebackofhishair.“Ilikeyoualot.”Hiseyeswouldcomebacktomine.“Iloveyou,Harlow,”hewouldsay,andnomatterwherewewereorhowlouditwas,Icouldalwayshearthosewordsclearasday.Itwouldfillmywholebody;itwouldmakemefeelcomplete.Itwouldmakemyheartfullinmychest.ItwasafeelingIthoughtwouldnevergoaway.
Iblinkawaythememory.“Okay,taketwo,”Isay,gettingup,puttingmyhandsonthetabletosteadymyself,andwhenIdon’twobble,Iwanttogivemyselfahighfive.Instead,Igiggletomyself.
“I’llcomewithyou,”Shelbysays,gettingup.“Ineedtopeealso.”
Wewalksidebysidethroughthetablesandintothebathroom,andIstandhereinshock.“OhmyGod.”Ilookaroundthesquareroomthathasallexposedredbricks.Woodenbeamsareexposedontheceiling,withacrystalchandelierhangingdown.
Fivewhitesinksarealongoneofthewalls,butwhatgetsmeisthebigwhitebenchrightinfrontofamirrorthatfillsmostofthewall,butit’sthethickgoldantiqueframe.“Thisisgorgeous.”Iwalktotheedgeandtouchtheintricatelineswithmyfingers,tracingthetinyflowers.
“It’stheperfectplaceforaselfie,”Shelbysuggests,takingherphoneoutofherpocket.“Sitdown,”shesays,motioningtotheseatinfrontofit,andIdo.“Facethemirror,”sheinstructsme,andIfollowherlead.“Putyourlegstotheside.”Ilaughwhenshesaysthis.“Smile.”
Ismileintothemirror,andthensheshowsmethepicture.“Damn,ifyouevergiveupbeingavet.”ShelaughswhenshewalksintooneofthestallswhileIholdherphoneinmyhand.“Youcouldbeamodel.”
Ican’thelpbutlaughatthat.“Thanks”—Ishakemyhead—”butno,thanks.I’mhappydoingwhatI’mdoing.”
IlookupatthestallwhenIhearthetoiletflush,andthenshewalksoutgoingtothesink.“Youknow,”shesays.“I’mnotgoingtolie.IwasshockedwhenIgotyourresponse.”Igetupfromthebenchandgotoherassheturnsthewateroffandthentakesoneofthewhitehandtowelsanddriesherhands.
“ImadehimapromiseIwouldbethereonthehappiestdayofhislife,”Isharewithher,lookingdownandthenblinkingawaythetearsfromthatmemory.“AndIamawomanofmyword.”Ilookbackather,smiling.“Forthemostpart.”
“Thereisareasonthatyoucametoday.”Shegrabsthephonefromme.“Ihavenoideawhatitis,butit’stheuniversetellingyousomething.”
Ishakemyhead.“It’sprobablytheuniversetellingmeIshouldhaveletsleepingdogslie,”Isay,walkingintothestallandgoingtothebathroom.
WhenIwalkout,sheissittingonthebench,andshewatchesmewhileIwashmyhands.“Idon’tthinkthatJenniferwastheoneforhim,”sheconfides,andIstopmyhandsfromrinsingunderthewater.“Iknowit’sashittythingtosay,andIamnotgoingtotalkbadabouther,butIjustdidn’tthinkthattheylovedeachother.”Iturnoffthewater,tryingtogetmyhearttocalmdownatthisnews.“Imean,IthinkhelovedherbutIdon’tthinkhewasinlovewithher.”
Igrabatowelanddrymyhands.“Yourbrotherwouldn’tmarryanyonethathedidn’tlove.Imightnotknowthemanheistoday.”Theburningnowcomestofillmystomach.“Butthemanhewaswouldn’tasksomeonetomarryhimifhedidn’tloveher.”
“Ithink,thatbeforeyouleave”—sheputsthephonebackintoherpocket—”Iwouldhaveatalkwithmybrother.Atleasttoclearsomethingsup.”
Ishakemyhead.“Nothingtoclearup.Weweretwoyoungkidswhodatedagesago.”Idon’tbelievethewordscomingoutofmymouthandIhaveastrongfeelingthatneitherdoesShelby.“We’vemovedon.Theend.”Iputthetowelintothebasketattheside.
Sheshakesherhead.“Youreallyshouldatleastcleartheair.”
“Thereisnoairtoclear.”Iputmyhandtomystomach.“Icameheretowishafriendwell,andtomorrowI’llbegoingbacktomylife,andhewillcontinuewithhis.”
“Okay,”shesays,notsoundingconvincedatall.“Shallwegetbacktotheparty?”
Ipullopenthedoor,andIhearthesong“HeyGirl”comeon,andIlaughwhenIhearthesongstart.IclapmyhandswhenIgetclosetothetable,andthegirlslookupatme.ItakeaglanceatTravis,smile,andhebringshiscuptohislips.
“Oh,nowwestart,”Rachelsays,takingtheshotinfrontofher.“Ilosethisround.”Shetakesanothershot.“Timetolinedance.”Shepointsatme,goingtothedancefloor.“Let’sseeifIrememberthis.”
Shestartstomoveherfeet,andshestumblesabit.Everyonefromthetableisnowonthedancefloor.“Harlow,”Shelbysays.“Goinfront,andwewillfollowyou.”
IlaughasIwalktothefrontandthenstarttomovemyfeet,butwiththeheels,it’shurtingmyfeet,soIbendanduntiethestrapsaroundmyanklesandthenstartover.IlookoverattheDJ.“Canwestartover?”Henodshisheadandstartsthesongagain.“Okay,soyouaregoingtowalkrightfoot,leftfoot,shakeshake.”Ishimmymyhips.“Shimmyshimmy.”Imovemyhipsfromsidetoside.“Andthentriplestepback.Repeatingthestepsagain.”
“I’msorry,”Frankiesays.“Youlostmeatshimmy.”
“Yeah,canyoushimmyshimmyagain?”Jakejokes,clappinghishands.
“Orwecanchangethesong,”Travissuggests.“Putonanothersong.”
“Yes,”Rachelsays.“Putthe‘Cha-ChaSlide.’”
TheDJputsthesongon,andeveryoneismovingattheirownspeed.Nooneisfollowinganyone,andthenthesonggoesintoUsher,andnowwearealldancingtoourownbeat.Iwalkbacktothetabletograbadrink,andsodoesBennett.“It’sgoodtoseeyou,”hesays,smilingatme.
“Isthattheboozetalking?”Iaskhim,grabbingaglassofwateranddowningit.
“Couldbeabitofboth,”heconfessesandtakesashotoftequila.Thesongchangestoaslowone,andheholdsouthishandtome.“MayIhavethisdance?”
Ibatmyeyesathim.“Why,Iwouldbehonored.”Hedragsmetothedancefloorandputshishandaroundmywaistandholdsmyhandup.
WemovesidetosideandthenbumpintoPresleyandTravis.“Yeah,thisiswrong,”Bennettsays,lettingmegoandthengrabbingPresley’shand.“Nowthis.”Hewrapshisarmsaroundher.“Thisissomuchbetter.”Hemovesawayfromus,leavingTravisandmejuststandinghere.
Ishakemyhead.“Thatwouldbeweird,”Isaytohim,andhenodshishead.
“Let’sgetadrink,”heoffersandholdsouthishandformetoleadtheway,andIcanfeelhishandatthebottomofmybackashefollowsmetothebar.
“Twoglassesofscotch.”Heholdsuptwofingersandsitsonthestoolbesideme.Ileanonthebarinsteadofsitting.
Thebartendercomesbackinrecordtime,puttingthetwoglassesdownontwowhitenapkins.“YouknowwhatIdidn’texpecttoday?”heasks,bringinghisglasstohismouth.
“Nottogetmarried?”Isay,pickingupmyownglassandbringingittomylipswhilehechuckles.Theliquidiscoolagainstmytongueyetburnsallthewaydown.Myeyesneverleavehis,andIseethelittlelinesatthesideofhiseyesthatweren’ttherebefore.He’soldernow,andIwonderifhislipstastelikescotch.IwonderifIkissedhim,woulditbejustlikeitwasbackthen?Imovemyeyesawayfromhim,scaredthathewillbeabletoreadmythoughts.
“That.”Hepointsatme,puttinghisglassdown.“And.”Helooksathisglassandthenatme.“Seeingyou.”Chapter9
Travis
“YouknowwhatIdidn’texpecttoday?”Isitonthestoolholdingtheglassofscotchinmyhand,takingasipandthenplacingitdown.Sheleansagainstthebarinfrontofme.
“Nottogetmarried?”Shepicksupherglass,bringingittoherplumplips,andIcan’thelpthechucklethatcomesoutofme.Shewasalwayssassyandfunny.Shelooksatme,andIcan’thelpbutthinkabouthowitwouldbefouryearsago.Forone,shewouldn’tbethisfarawayfromme,andtwo,mymouthwouldbeonhers.Shelooksawayfromme,andIwonderifit’sbecauseshe’sseenwhatI’vebeenthinking.Seeinghertodayhasthrownmeoff-kilter.Mylifeinblackandwhiteisnowlitteredwithcolor,andIknowitisbecauseofher.
“That.”Ipointather,puttingmyglassdownonthebar.“And.”Ilookattheamberliquidintheglassandthenlookbackather.“Seeingyou,”Isayhonestly.
Shethrowsherheadbackandlaughs,anditmakesmystomachtighten.ItwasasoundIburiedawayinmymindsomewhere,andnowit’sbackout.Whenweweretogether,IwouldalwaysdosomethingthatwouldmakeherlaughjustsoIcouldhearit.“Well,Igotaninvitation,”shesays,andnowit’smyturntolaugh,andshejustlooksatme.
“Youcanthankmysistersforthat,”Iadmitittoher,andhereyeswidenandhermouthhangsopen.
“Areyousayingthatyouwouldn’thaveinvitedme?”Shehasaseriousface,andIsuddenlyfeellikeadickforbringingitupwhenhermouthslowlyformsasmile.Nowit’sherturntochucklewhileshebringsherglassofscotchtohermouth.Shetakesasip,andIwanttosuckherlowerlipintomymouthrightbeforemytongueslidesintohermouth.“SoifIinvitedyoutomywedding,”shesays,andtheknotinmystomachfeelslikeit’sturningandtwisting.“Youwouldn’tcome?”
Igrabtheglassofscotch,downingtherestofitasalumpgrowsinmythroat,andtheangerstartstoformandspreadsfrommytoesallthewaytothetipofmyhead.“Areyougettingmarriedanytimesoon?”EverythinginmestopswhileIwaitforhertoanswerthequestion.Forfouryears,IpretendedIwasfine.Forfouryears,Iletmyselfonlythinkofheronspecialdays,likethedaywemet,herbirthday,anduntilthisday,nooneknowswhyHalloweenwasalwaysmymosthatedholiday.
Shefinishesherownscotchandthenplacestheglassdown.Thebartendercomesoverandrefillstheglasses.“CanIhavewateralso?”Henodsatherandthencomesbackwithabottleofwater.“Whatdidyouask?”Shelooksatme,andittakeseverythingIhavenottoreachoutandtuckthestrandofherhairbehindherear.
“Iaskedifyouweregettingmarriedanytimesoon,”Irepeatthequestion,andthistimemyhandholdstheglassofscotchharderthanIdidbeforeasmyheartbeatfillsmyears.
“Nope.”Sheshakesherhead,takingapullofherwaterbottle.Shedabsherlipswithanapkin.“Notanytimesoon,thatis.”Shelooksaroundthevenuenow
“Haven’tmettheone?”Iaskher,takinganotherlongpullofscotch.
“ThoughtIdid.”Sheturnsfromme,lookingatthedancefloorawayfromme.“Didn’tworkout.”
Iwanttoaskherwhotheguywas.IwanttoaskherifIwasthatguy.Iwanttoaskhereverything.Iwanttoknoweverything.“HowdidyoumeetJennifer?”
“Work,”Isay,andshejustnods.“Shewaswatchingherfriend’scatfortheweekend,andthecatateherbirthcontrolpills.”
Shenods,notsurewhattosay.“Areyoudating?”
“Notatthemoment,”shereplies,andI’mprettysureI’magluttonforpunishmentatthispoint.
“Howlongwereyoutwodating?”Sheturnstolookatthebarasshespinstheglassofscotchinherhand.
“Aboutayear,”Isay,andherheadjustnods.“Didyouopenthepracticelikeyouwantedto?”
“Idid.”Shesmiles,anditmakeswhatIdidfeeljustatouchbetter.BreakingupwithhersothatshecouldopenherpracticewasthehardestthingI’veeverhadtodo.
“Betyourdadishappyyou’rehome.”Igetupandleanagainstthebar.Thesoundofpeopleonthedancefloorclappinghasmeturningmyheadtolookandseewhatisgoingon.
“IshedoingtheWorm?”Harlowtiltsherheadtowardmysidetoseewhatisgoingon.Sheisrightinfrontofme,andIcanfeelherheatonmyarmassheleansin.“OhmyGod.”Sheputsherhandonmyarm,laughing.“He’sdoingthefullWorm.”IlookatthedancefloorandseethatJakeisnowdoingtheWormfromoneendofthedancefloortotheother,andthenhetriestogobackwhileeveryonecheershimon.
Hegetsupandhigh-fivesFrankie,whotakesoffhisjacketandlookslikehe’sabouttogetonthedancefloor.“Theyareinsane,”Istate,notmovingbecauseI’mafraidshe’sgoingtoletgoofmyarm.
IlooktothesideandseethatShelbyistalkingtoaguydressedinablacksuitwithahatunderhisarm.Shelooksaroundtheroom,andwhenshefindsme,shecomesstraightforme.“Okay,soyourcarishere.”Ilookather,andHarlow’shandfallsoffmyarm.
Myskinstilltinglesfromwhereshehadherhandonme.“Mycar?”Iask,confused.
“Didyoulistentoanythingwespokeaboutattheweddingmeetings?”shehissesout.“Likeanything?”
“One”—Iholdupmyfinger—”wedidn’thaveone.”
“Well,I’msureImentionedit.”Shetriestorememberandthenflipsherhands.“Itwassupposedtowhiskyouguysawaylikeaglasscarriage.Butwhatnowismorelikeapumpkinsinceyouwereditchedonyourweddingday.It’sgoingtotakeyouaway,”Shelbysaysandflapsherarmslikeabird.“Youneedtobeoutsideinfiveminutes.”
“Oh,arewegoingtothrowriceandstuff?”Harlowasks,clappingherhandsandlaughing.Shegasps.“Blowballoons?”
“Youmeanbubbles,”Shelbycorrects,andshelaughsevenhardernow.
“Iftherewasabride,I’dsaysure,”Shelbysays,thenpointsatme.“Butsincehe’salonewolf,hegetsnothing.”
“Youknowwhatyoushouldhavedone,”Harlowshares,andwhateversheisthinkingisreallyfunnytoherbecauseshecan’tstoplaughing.HerlaughterisinfectiousbecausenowShelbystartstolaughwithher.“Youshouldhavemarriedyourself,”shefinallysays,andShelbyhowlsinlaughter.
“I’mgoingtogoandtellthedriverifyouaren’tthereinfiveminutesthathecanleave.”Sheturnsandwalkstowardthekitchen.
“Whatareyougoingtodo?”Shelooksoveratmewiththeloadedquestion.
“Wanttogetoutofhere?”Iaskher,knowingthatI’mputtingmyselfouttheretobecrushed.ButIalsoknowthatifIdidn’taskher,Iwouldendupregrettingnottakingthechance.Shejustlooksatme.“Imean,howmanytimescanyousayyourodeinalimowithajiltedgroom?”
“Idon’tthinkanyonehaseverdonethat,”shepointsout.“Butweshouldaskyoursisters.Theywouldknowforsure.”
“Or,”Isaywithasmirk.“Youcouldbethefirst,Harlow.”Ifinishthescotchandstand.“Besides,Idon’twantthenighttoendjustyet.”
Shespinstheglassofscotchinherhandandbringsittoherlips.“Youthinkthat’sagoodidea?”Shelooksatme,waitingformyanswerasshefinishesthedrink.
“Probablynot.”Ishakemyhead.“Buttheuniversebroughtustogetheragain.”
“Idon’tthinkwecanblametheuniverseforthis,”shequips.“Itwastheweddinginvitationthatdidit.”
“Whateveritwas,”Isay.“I’mnotreadytosaygoodbyejustyet.”Ifshesaysno,I’mgoingtowalkoutandtellthedrivertoleave.Iputmyhandsinmypocketsinsteadofreachingoutanddraggingheroutofhere.“Sowhatdoyousay?”
“Fine,”sheagrees.“Ihavetogetmyshoes.”Shepointsdowntoherbarefeet.Hertoenailsarepaintedcherryred.
“Ihavetogetmyjacketandtalktomysisters.I’llmeetyouthere.”IpointatthedoorthatShelbywentinto.
“Okay,”shesaysandwalksawayfromme.Itakeasecondtowatchherwalkbacktothetable.
Iturnandwalkaroundthebar,grabbingabottleofscotchandtwoglasses.“Putitonmytab,”Itellthebartender,wholaughsashewipesdownthebarandpicksupthetwoemptyglassesweleft.Ilookaround,spottingPresleytalkingtosomeone,andwhenshelooksoveratmecarryingthebottle,sheholdsupherfingertothegirl.Ittakesherasecondbeforeshecomesovertome.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”sheasks,pointingatthebottleandtwoglasses.
“Mycarishere,andI’mgoingtotakeoff,”Iexplain,andshecocksherhipwhilefoldingherarmsoverherchest.
“Youthinkyouaregoingtogogetdrunkinthecar?”sheasks.“Howoldareyou,eighteen?”
“I’mactuallyolderthanyouand”—Ilookdownandthenup—”I’mgoingtotakeoff.”
“Alone?”sheasks,tappingherfoot,andIjustglareather.“OhmyGod,areyouleavingwithHarlow?”
“Mindyourbusiness,”Iadvise.“AndfocusonthefactthatyouandBennetthavebeenplayingcatandmouse.”Ipointather,andsheshrieksout.“Haveagoodnight.”
“Asshole,”shehisses,andthenIwalkawaylaughing,goingtothespotwhereItoldHarlowtomeetme.IstandherelookingaroundtheroomandspotheratthetablewithRachel.
“Fuck,she’sbeautiful,”Isaytomyself.“Don’tfuckitup!”myheadshoutsback.Chapter10
Harlow
Iwalkovertothetable.Myheadisscreamingatmethatthisisabadidea.Sittingonthechair,Islipmyfeetbackinmyheels,andbendtotiethestraparoundmyankle.“Hey,”Rachelsays,sittingdownintheemptychairbesideme.Shehassweatonthecornerofherforehead,andshegrabsaglassofwateranddownsit.Herchestisheavingfromdancingsomuch.“God,thatwasfun,”shesaysbreathlessly.
“I’mnotgoingtolie.”Igrabtheothershoeandstartputtingiton.“IthoughtyouweregoingtogotoetotoewiththeWorm.”Shethrowsherheadbackandlaughs.Isitup,grabbingmypurse
“Areyouleaving?”sheaskswithhereyebrowspushedtogether.Itrytoputonmypokerface,butifanyoneelseknowsmebesidesTravis,it’sRachel.
“I’mgoingtogetoutofhere,”Ishare,avoidinghereyeswhileIlookupattheroomandseethatTravisiswaitingbesidethedoor,wherehetoldmetomeethim.Hiseyesfindmine,andhemotionswithhisheadthathe’sheadingout.Heturnsandwalksoutoftheroom
“Areyousureaboutthis?”Rachelasks,andIturntoherandseeherlookingatme.Istareather,turnbacktolookatourfriendsonthedancefloor,andthenbackagaintothedoorwaythatisnowempty.
“Nope.”Ishakemyhead.“Notevenalittlebit,”Ilietoher.“Thiswholeday,Ihaven’tbeensureaboutanything.”
“Imean,weddingsareallaboutregrets,right?”Shelaughs.“Howmanypeopledothingsatweddingsthattheywouldn’tdoanywhereelse?Like,sexinthecoatroom.Orsexinthebathroom.”
“Orsexwiththebestman,”Iaddin.“Orduringadrunkspeech.”
“Yes.”Shepointsatme.“Andhowmanypeoplecansaytheybangedthegroomonhisweddingdayandwasn’tthebride?”
Igasp.“I’mnotbanginganyone,”Irefute,andevenmyheadyellsliar.
“Oh,please.”Sherollshereyes.“Youguysareliketwomagnets.”Onehandisinafistwhiletheotherhandslapsit.
“We’refriends.”Ilookbackatthetable,grabbingaglassofwater.“Imean,wewerefriends,”Iaddin.“Hewasmybestfriend.”
“Hey,”shehuffs,andIlaugh.
“Hewasmybestguyfriend.”Iputmyarmaroundherandbringhertome.
“Ibetheregretsit,”shesayssoftly.Ishakemyhead,andmyarmdropsfromher.
“Ican’tgothere,”Isay,gettingup.“It’sinthepast,andthatiswhereitisgoingtostay.He’sgoingtogivemealifttomyhotel.”
“Well,havefun.”Shesmilesatme.“I’llcallyouinthemorning.”Ileandownandkisshercheek.“Don’tdoanythingIwouldn’tdo,”shesnickers,andthenIshakemyhead.
Idebategoingtosaygoodbyetoeveryoneelse,butthenitmightdrawattentiontomeandthefactI’mleavingwithTravis.Walkingwithmyheaddowntoavoideyecontactwithanyone,IwalkintotheroomandthenseeClarabellaandamanclosetoeachother.TheyspringapartwhenIwalkintothehallway.“I’msorry.”Iholdupmyhand.“Iwasjustleaving.”IpointatthebrowndoorattheendofthehallwaywiththeExitsignonit.
“Leaving?”Clarabellaquizzes,foldingherarmsoverherchest,cockingherhip.“Isn’tthatinteresting?”
Playingdumb,Ijustsmirk.“It’sbeenalongday.”AndthealcoholisjustenoughthatIwoulddosomethingbutnotsomethingIregret,Iwanttoaddin.
“Oh,Ibetithas.”Shesmiles.“Chancesareit’sgoingtobeevenlonger.”Shemotionstothebrowndoor.“Seeyoutomorrow,Harlow.”
“Niceseeingyou,Clarabella.”Inodather.“Andyouhavefunwithyourfriend.”Ipointattheguywhostandsthereinjeansandawhiteshirt.Histattedarmslooklikethey’regoingtomaketheshirtsplit.
Sheglaresatme,andItrytohidethesmilewhenIturntowalkoutoftheroom.Thedarknesshitsmerightaway,alongwiththethickhumidity.Awhitelimoisrightinfrontofthestairsleadingdown.Heleansonthebackofthecar,waitingforme.Hesmileswhenheseesme.“Ithoughtyouchangedyourmind,”hesayswhenIwalkdownthefourstepsasheholdsouthishandtohelpmewalk.
“Justsayinggoodbye.”Thebutterfliesstartinmystomach,andI’mblamingthebooze.Heopensthebackdoorandwaitsformetogetin.Iputoneleginandscootovertotheotherside,givinghimroomtosit.Hecomesinandclosesthedoor,andIcan’thelpbutlaugh.“Oh,my,”Isay,lookingattheweddingdecorationsthatarehangingfromthebackwindow.
“Justwaituntilhemovesthecar,”Travissays,andIlookathimasthecarstartsmoving,andIcanhearcansdinging.Igetup,lookingoutthebackwindow,andseefivestringsofcansfollowingus.“Doesitsayjustmarried?”
“Itdid,”hesays.“ShelbytookaSharpieandcrossedoffjustandputalmost.”Ithrowmyheadbackandlaugh.
HereachesforthebottleofscotchIsawhimholding.Heturnsthetop,andthenitpopswiththecork.Igrabaglassandkeepitforhimashefillsthemboth.Heputsthescotchbackandtakesoneoftheglasses.Ourfingersgrazeeachother,andmynipplesperkupathistouch.“Hussy.”MyheadscreamsatmeatthesametimeasIanswerback,“Fuckoff.”
“ToJackie.”Heholdsuptheglass,andIclickmyglasswithhis.Hetakesasipofhisscotch.
“WhoisJackie?”Iaskhim,takingasipofthescotchandthenwonderingifthisisevenagoodidea.
“Jackie,”hesays,leaningbackagainsttheseat,exhaling.“IsJennifer’sroommateandherbestfriend.”Iholdtheglassinmylapasheturnstowardmenow.“AndalsotheonewhoJenniferisinlovewith.”Mymouthhangsopen.“Yeah,that’saboutwhatIdidwhenshetoldme.”
“So,she’sgay?”Iaskhim,andI’mtryingmybestnottolaughathim.
“Sheisn’tsure,”headmits,lookingdownintohisglassofscotch.“Butsheissurethatshedoesn’twanttobemarried.”Hechuckles.“Atleasttome,thatis.”
Isithereshocked,andIhavesomanyquestionstoask.“I,”Istarttosay.“Um,didyounotsuspect?”Iaskhimandthenholdupmyhand.“Sorry,it’snotmyplace.”Thebutterfliesthatstartedhavemovedtoknotsthatarebeginningtomoveuptomythroat.
“It’sfine,”heassuresme,takinganothersip,maybeforcourage.“WhatJenniferandIhad,”hesays,andit’ssafetosaythatIdon’tevenwanttoknow.“Itwasn’twhatwehad.”
Ishakemyhead.“Youdon’thavetosaythat,”Ifinallysayandtakemyownsipofscotch,hopingitstopsmefromtalking.“Whatwehad.Itwasalongtimeago.”Iblinkandlookoverathim.
Hejustlooksatme,notsayinganythingandthecarcomestoastop.“Wherearewe?”Ilookaroundandseethewhitebuilding.
“Well”—heputshisglassdownandgrabsmine—”it’sasurprise.”Heopensthecardoorandstepsout.Hishandcomesintothecartohelpmeout,andIslipmyhandinhis,steppingoutofthevehicle.Thesoundsofcricketsnowfillstheareaaswestandintheemptygravelparkinglot.
“Wherearewe?”Irepeat,lookingaround.Idon’tevenseeasignoranything
“You’llsee,”hesaysashewalksbackwardandpullsmewithhim.Hissmilelightsuphisface,andIamtotallyoutofmymind.Ishouldjustendthenightnowandhavethecartakemebacktomyhotelroom.
Hepullsopenthetwoglassdoors,andIhearthesoundsofpinsbeingknockeddown.“Youdidnot,”Isay,lookingaroundandthenseeingthebowlinglanes.Ishakemyhead,thinkingbacktohowheusedtotakemebowlingonceaweek.Nomatterwhattimeitwas,hewoulddragmetothebowlingalleyeveryFridaynight.
Ilookaroundandseethatthereareaboutfourpeoplehere.Stoppingatthebluecounterthatisfilledwithbowlingshoes.“WhatcanIdoforyou?”sheasksandthentakesinouroutfits.
“Wewilltaketwogames,”hesays,pullingouthiswallet.“Twopairsofshoes,andweneedtobuyonepairofsocks.”Hepointsatme.“Alsoapitcherofbeer.”
“Twohotdogswiththatandabasketoffries,”Iaddin.“Ifwearegoingtobowl,wemightaswelldoittherightway.”Ismileathim.
Thegirlhandsmeapairofwhitefoldedsocksandapairofsizesevenshoes.“Theseshoescompletemyoutfit,”Isay,lookingdownatthelightwhiteandblueshoes.“Imightnotreturnthem,”Ijoke,andthegirljuststaresatme.“Toughcrowd,”ImumbleandstepasidewhileTravisgetshisshoes.
“Laneten.”Shepointsattheendofthelane,andIseeit’sdark.“It’sdiscobowling.”
“Oh,fun,”Isay,walkingtowardthelaneanddumpingmypurseandshoestherebeforewalkingbacktoTravis.IpickupthepitcherofbeerwiththeredSolocupswhileTravisbringsthefood.
Iputthepitcherdownatthelittletableonthesidewithfourseats.Ipourtwoglassesandthenwalkovertotheshoes,takingoffmyheels,slidingthethickwhitesockson.“ShouldIdomysocksupordown?”Iaskhim,laughingatmyselfwhileIputontheshoes.
“Onlyyoucouldmakebowlingshoesstylish,”hesaystome,andIshakemyhead,walkingovertothemachineandputtingournamesinit.
“Iwillhaveyouknow.”Ilookoverathimashecomesoverwiththefood,puttingitdowninfrontofme.“Ihaven’tplayedinfouryears.”
“Well,thenIguesswearestartingoffthesame,”hetellsmeashepicksupthehotdogandtakesabiteoutofit.
“Youlovebowling.”Igrabmyownhotdogandbiteintoit.
“Yeah,Istopped,”hesays,takinganotherbite.“Itwasn’tthesamewithoutyou,”headmitsforthefirsttimeashebringsupthepast,makingmespeechless.“Nothingwasthesamewithoutyou.”Chapter11
Travis
“Yeah,Istopped,”Iadmit,takinganotherbiteofthehotdog.“Itwasn’tthesamewithoutyou.”Myheadistellingmetoshutthefuckupwhilemymouthhasverbaldiarrhea,andthereisnothingIcandoaboutit.“Nothingwasthesamewithoutyou.”Shelooksatmeandthenlooksdownatherlap,andIseehereyesblinkingawaythetears,andIwanttokickmyself.“Okay,enoughofthischitchat,”Isay,puttingmyhotdogdown.“It’stimetobowl.”
Shesmilesandthenlooksatme.“Let’sbowl,let’sbowl,let’srockandroll.”Shegetsupfromherseat,putsherhotdogdown,andthenpicksuptheredSolocupandtakesasipofthebeer.“Hey,comeon,let’sgettheshowontheroad.”Igroanout.“Youknewitwascoming.”Shelaughs,pickingupapinkball.Everysingletimeweusedtogobowling,shewouldbustouttheGrease2soundtrack.“We’regonnarock.We’regonnaroll.”
Shepointsatme,andIshakemyheadbutsaythewordsanyway.“We’regonnabop.We’regonnabowl.”Shelaughsagain,andjustbecause,shelaughs.“We’regonnascoretonight.”Sheturnsandtakesherplace.“God,Ihatethatmovie.”
“Youfuckinglie,”shethrowsoverhershoulder,andshelookssofuckingbeautifulshetakesmyfuckingbreathaway.Shestartstocountoutloud.“One.”Shetakesastep.“Two.”Shetakesanotherstepandthenanother.Icanhearhercountingwhenshereleasestheball,andallIcanwatchisthewayherassfillsoutthatfuckingdress.Sheknocksdownfourpinsandthenturnsaround.“Thatwasawarm-up.”Shecomesbackandtakesanothersipofbeer.Ifitwasfouryearsago,Iwouldrunmyhandupthebackofherleg,andshewouldbenddownandkissme.Shewouldholdmyfaceinherhands,andherwholefacewouldlightupwithasmilewhilesheleaneddownandkissedme.AndIwouldloveeveryfuckingsecondofit.“Okay,getreadyforthespare,”shesays,holdingtheballbesideher,andIhavetolaughatwhatmyweddingnightisturningouttobe.Shestartscountingthesteps,andtheballendsuphittingonemorepin.“Shit,”sheswears,turningandwalkingtowardme,sittingnexttomeandgrabbingherhotdog.“You’reup.”Igetup,walkingovertotheballstotakemyturn.
“Readytogetsmoked?”IsaythesamewordsIsaidallthoseyearsago.Thistimewithoutslippingmytongueintohermouth.Whichistotallyadifferentexperience,especiallysinceIcanalmosttastethekissagain.
Sheholdsupherhand.“Blah,blah,blah.”Shesmirksatme,takingafryanddippingitinketchup.“Let’sseewhatyougot.”Igrabtheballandholditupinfrontofme,lookingatthepins,andIshootitdownthemiddleandknockmostofthepinsdown.“Bullshit.”Ilookovermyshoulderather,andsheflipsmethebird.“Ithinkyouliedaboutbowling.”
Istandhereinthemiddleofthealleyandputmyhandsonmyhips.“Idon’tlie.”Shefoldsherarmsoverherchest,raisinghereyebrows.“Fine,Iliedonce.”Iholdupmyhand,thinkingbacktowhenwestarteddating,andshedecidedtocookmeahomemademeal.Sheworkedonitforhours,andImeanhours,andthethingwassobad.Itwasovercooked,burned,halfsoggy,andtastedlikegarbage.Idon’tevenknowwhatitwassupposedtobe,ButIateitandsaiditwasgoodbecausethatiswhatyoudidwhenthewomanyoulovedjustslavedoverahotstove.TheonlyonewhoblewitformewasFrankie.Whenhetastedabiteofit,heranstraighttothekitchensinkandthrewup.“Andthatdoesn’tcountbecauseyouforgaveme.”
“Ihadnochoicebuttoforgiveyou,”shehuffsatme,hervoicegoinglouder.“Youategarbage.”
“Itwasn’tthatbad,”Isay,andshetiltsherheadtotheside.“Fine,itwastheworstmealofmylife.”
“Thankyou,”shesays,dippingherfryinketchupandtossingitinhermouth.“Forfinallyadmittingittome.”
Isitbackdownnexttoher.“Sotellme,Harlow.”Itakeafrenchfryanddipit.“Whathaveyoubeendoingforthelastfouryears?”
“Well”—sheputsdownherhotdog—”I’vebeentravelingtheworld.”Shestartstolaugh,andIknowshe’sjoking.“Notreallymuch.Wentbackhomeandopenedapractice.Workedeverysingledayatallhoursoftheday.Bustedmyasstobethebestinthearea.”
“Whichyousucceededin,nodoubt.”Igetupandwalkovertotheballs.“Isaythistoanyonewhoasks,youwerealwaysthebest.”AndI’mnotlyingeither.Evenwhenwewereworkingtogether,shewasbetterthanme.
“MypracticestartedwithonelittleroominQuinn’sbarn,”sheshares.“Andthenitjustgottobeabittoobusy.Sincethen,Ihaveapracticethathasexpandedthreetimes.”Shesmiles,andsheshouldbecauseIknowthatshemusthaveworkedherassoff.“Ifinallydecidedthattheone-womanshowisjusttoomuchforme.I’vehiredanewguywhojustgraduatedacoupleofweeksago.Heinternedwithme,soheknowshowIwork,andhe’sactuallyreallygood.WhichiswhyIcouldbeherethisweekend.”
“Youdon’tgettimeoff?”Iaskher,wantingtoknowitall.
“Notusually.”Shegetsupandwalksovertotheballs.“Norestforthewicked.”
“Youarealotofthings,Harlow,”Istate,lookingintohereyes.“Wickedisn’toneofthem.”Iwanttosayshe’sthemostloyalpersonIknow.Imean,sheattendedmyfuckingweddingbecauseshemademeapromise.ApromisethatImadehermake,thinkingshewouldbethereonallmybestdays.ApromisethateverysingletimeIhaveoneofthebestdays,shewasthepersonIalwaysthoughtofattheendofthenight.Untilitgotsohard,andIforcedmyselftostop.
Shepicksupthepinkballagain.“Ifyouthinkyoucansaysweetthingstometothrowmeoffmygame.”Sheshakesherhead.“Thinkagain.”
Aftertwoballs,shefinallyknocksdownninepins.“Icanfeelit.”ShesitsdownwhileIgetup,takingadrinkofmybeer.“Thenextoneisgoingtobeastrike.”
“Isthatso?”Iaskher,grabbingaball,andwhenIfinallyletitgo,Igetastrike.Istandhereinthemiddleofthelane,turnaround,puttingbothmyhandsupbymyhead.“Youcalledit.”
Sheflipsmethebird,makingmelaugh.“Idon’tknowwhyyouareflippingmeoff.”
“Soseriously,whenisthelasttimeyouwentbowling?”sheasks,standingupandwalkingtowardtheballs.Idon’tmoveoutoftheway.Instead,Istandnexttoher.Myhandisitchingtoholdherhip.Myfingersalsotwitchtopullthesashofthebowdownandseeifthedressopensup.
“Fouryearsago,”Itellthetruth.IleaveoutthateverytimeJenniferaskedmetogo,Iwouldbowoutatthelastminute.Ijustcouldn’tdoit.
Shepicksupherpinkballandholdsitup.“TherearetwothingsIhateinlife.”Shewalksovertothemiddleofthelaneandholdsuptheball.“One,surprise.”IlaughbecauseIalreadyknewthat.“Andtwo,losing.”Shetakesfourstepsbeforesheletsgooftheball,anditlookslikeit’sgoingtobeastrike,butthetwobackpinsstayup.“Fuck,”shehissesout,turningandgoingbacktogetanotherball.“Whataboutyou?”sheasks,bowlingtheotherball,anditendsupinthegutter.“Whathaveyoubeenupto?”
Shestandsinfrontofme,waitingformetoanswer.Hergreeneyesglisteninthealmostdarklane.“AfterIgraduated,Istayedonwiththeemergencyclinicfortwoyears.ThenIventuredoutonmyownandopenedapracticeherewithtwootherpeople,”Isay.
“That’samazing,”shesays.“Itmustbesogoodtohavetosharetheresponsibilitywiththeothertwo.”Shewalksovertothechairandsitsdown,drinkingsomebeer.“Sojealous.”Iwalkbacktothechairinsteadoftakingmyturn.“Whatdoyoudoinyoursparetime?”sheasks,andIwonderifshe’sasinterestedinfindingouteverythingaboutmeasIamwithher.
“Idon’treallyhavesparetime,”Iadmittoher,takingmyglassofbeerandfinishingit.“I’mtheonlyonewithoutafamily,soIworkmostweekends,andI’moncallfortheholidays.”AssoonasIsaythewords,IfeelalittlebitofemptinessinsidemethatIdidn’tknowwasthere.“Whataboutyou?”
“IwishIcouldsaythatI’moutgalivanting,butthetruthisIbarelyhavesparetime,andwhenIdo,IusuallyspenditwithSofia.”Shesmilesatme,andevenwhenweweredating,sheusedtocallherallthetime.IusedtoteaseherduringherFaceTimeswithher.“She’sateenagernow.”Shebeams.“Thirteengoingonthirty.”
“Thirteen.”Ishakemyhead.“Irememberherwhenshehadtwomissingteethinthefront.”Webothlaugh.
“It’sfunnythatIdon’tseemyselfasolder,butthenIlookatmyniecesandnephews,andI’mlike,howdidtheygrowup?”shesays,andIcanhearahintofregretinhervoicealso.Shefillsmeinaboutherfamily,andhearingherspeak,IknowthatregardlessofhowmuchithurtwhenIlethergo,takingherawayfromherfamilywouldhavebeentoomuchforher,andIcouldn’tdothattoher.
I’mabouttosaysomethingwhentheladyfromthefrontcountercomestous.“Sorry,folks,butweareclosingup.”Shelooksoveratthescreenandseesthatwe’vebeenhereforoveranhourandhaveplayedtwoframes.
“Ofcourse,”Harlowsays,walkingovertotheotherchairandtakingofftheshoesandsocks.
“LookslikeIwon,”IsayonceItakeoffmyshoesandlookupatthescoreboard.
“Um,Idon’tthinkso,”shesays,standingupandtakingtheshoesinherhand.“It’sincomplete.”
“ButIhavemorepointsthanyou.”Ipointattheboard.
“ButIcouldhavehadfivestrikesandwon.”Shecocksherhiptotheside.“Oryoucouldhavehadfourgutterballs,”shescoffs.“Anythingcouldhavehappened.”
“Fine,”Igivein.“Butrematch.”Iholdoutmyhand,andshelaughs.
“Fine,rematch.”Sheputsherhandinminetoshakeit,andit’sasifalightningzaphasbeenputinmyveins.Anelectricshock,andmywholebodylightsupinwaysithasn’tbefore.
Shedropsmyhand,andweturntowalkout.Myhandcomesouttoholdhers,butthenIcatchmyselfandplaceitonherlowerback.“Ihaven’thadthismuchfuninawhile,”shesaystomewhenwewalkoutandtowardthewaitingcar.Shelooksupatthestars.“Ialmostdon’twantthisnighttoend.”Shelooksatme,andhereyeswiden.“Imean,youmustbedyingforthisdaytoendsoyoucanforgetaboutit.”
Ismileandlookdown.“Itdoesn’thavetoend,”IsaythewordsthatImightregretifsheturnsmedown,“atleastnotyetanyway.”Chapter12
Harlow
Hesmilesatmeandlooksdownathisfeet.Theneedtoreachoutandrunmyhandsthroughhishairisoverwhelming.EvenmoreoverwhelmingthanmebeingahussyandtryingtoswaymyhipswhileIbowled.“Itdoesn’thavetoend.”Hesaysthewordsalmostinawhisper,hiseyesfullofmischief.“Atleastnotyetanyway.”
Ismirkathim.“Whatelsedoyouhaveinmind?”Iask,andhethrowshisheadbackandlaughs.
“Ihavenoidea,”headmits.“Butwecanimprovise.”Heopensthecardoortothelimo,andIgetin.Ihearhimtalkingtothedriver,butIcan’tmakeoutthewords.Iputmyheadbackontheseat;it’swhirlingfromeverythingthathashappenedtoday.Ormaybeit’sthebooze.Eitherway,Idon’twanttonighttoend.TalkingtohimaboutwhathehasbeendoingandindirectlyaskingabouthislifewithJennifer,Ifoundoutthathewasn’tashappyasIthoughthewouldbe.Notoncedidhementionherortheirlife,andfromthesoundofit,heworkedjustasmuchasIdid.Everytimehesatnexttomeandhislegtouchedmine,Iwouldfeelgoosebumpsstarttoformandwouldhopethathewouldn’tcommentonit.IalreadyhadtheexcusethatIwascold,hopinghewouldn’tseemelying.WhenIfeelthecarbounce,Iopenmyeyes,lookingoutthewindowintothedarkness.
“Wherearewegoing?”Iaskwhenthedoorshuts,andIhearthedrivergetintothecar.
“You’llsee,”hesays.IlookoutthewindowandrememberthetimehebroughtmehereoraroundhereandImadehimthatpromise.
Igotonmyknees,liftedmydress,andmovedmylegovertostraddlehim.IheldhisfaceinmyhandsandsaidthewordsthatI’dbittenmytongueonforthepastfivemonths.“Iloveyou.”IlookedintohiseyeswhenIsaidthewordsandthensawhismouthopen,andIputmyfingeronit.“Youdon’thavetosayitback.IjustwantedyoutoknowthatthesepastsixmonthswithyouhavebeenmorethanIcouldeverimagine.”Ileanedforwardandkissedhimsoftly.
Hishandsrubbedupmyback.“Promisemesomething.”Hesaidthewordssosoftly.
“Iwillpromiseyouanything,”Isaid,knowingthathecouldhaveaskedmeanythingandtheanswerwouldalwaysbeyes.
“Promisemethatyou’llbetherebymysideonthehappiestdayofmylife.”
Myfingerspushedbackthehaironhisforeheadastheimageofmewalkingdowntheaisletohimfilledmymind.“Ipromise,”Iassuredhim.
“Good,”hesaidandkissedmesoftly.MyheartspedupsofastinmychestIthoughtIwasgoingtothrowupfromallthishappiness.Ididn’tthinkitcouldhavegottenbetterthanthis,andthenitdidwhenhesaidthewordsI’dbeendyingtohear.“Iloveyou,Harlow.”
Thecarcomestoastop,andIlookoutthewindowatthislittlecabin.“Whatintheworld?”Isaywhenmydooropens,andthedriveristheretohelpmeout.
Thelightsfromthefrontdoorilluminatethefivestepsleadingtoabrowndoor.Lookingtothesideofthehouse,Iseethesoftlightscomingoutoffourbiglongwindows.Thelightisshowingallaround,andwhenItakeafewstepstotheside,Iseethatyoucanseerightthroughtotheothersideofthehouse.Ithasawholerusticfeeltoit.Ilookupandseethebalconyonthesecondfloorthatsitsrightontopofthefrontdoor.“Let’sgo.”Hegrabsmyhand,pullsmeupthesteps,andopensthedoor.Hisfingersarenowlinkedwithmine,andmyeyesaresofixatedonourhandstogetherIdon’tevennoticehimopenthedoor.
Itakeastepin,andI’minshockwhenIseerosepetalsscatteredontheflooreverywhere,leadingtoasidetowardthestairsandanothertowardtheopenroomwiththewindows.“OhmyGod,”Isayashewalksintothehouseabit,andIseetheredheartballoonsfloatinginthelivingroom.AnL-shapedcouchfacesacoffeetablecoveredinvasesofredroses.Theroomwhereallthewindowsareisalmostallcoveredinrosepetalsandballoons.Heletsmyhandgoashewalksovertothetablethathasasilverbucketwithachampagnebottle.Rightnexttoasilvertraywithtwocrystalglassesaretwobowlsonanothersilvertrayofstrawberries,onecoveredwithchocolateandtheotherplain.
“Whatthefuckisallthis?”hesays,andIhavetolookathim,notsurewhathemeansasItakeaminutetolookaroundandseethattherearecrystalvasesfilledwithwaterandfloatingcandlesplacedoneverysinglestepleadingtoupstairs.Traviswalkstothetable,hiswalkingisabitoff,andallIcandoislaughandputmyhandtomymouth,missingmyface.“Itoldthemthiswasoff-limits.”Hegrabsthebottleofchampagneoutofthesilverbucket.Thebottleisleakingwatereverywhere,andhecouldn’tcareless.Heleansdownandgrabsthebowl.“Can’tforgetthese,”hesaystome,laughing,andIwalkover,puttingmypurseontheedgeofthetable,butitfallsrightoff,makingusbothlaughoutloudandpickinguptheotherbowl.“Followme.”Hesmirksatme,nudgingmewithhishead,andhiseyeslightupsobrightI’mmesmerizedandwalkovertothestaircase.
“Don’tdoit!”myheadyellsatmeasmystomachfluttersandtheheatstartstoriseupmyneckfromthenervesthatarefillingmybody.“Justcallitanightandgo.”Butmyfeetarealreadyfollowinghimupthestairs.Theglowofthecandleshelpsleadthewayaswestopatthetopofthestairs.It’sjustaone-bedroomopen-conceptloftstyle.Theking-sizebedisinthemiddleoftheroombutisuponaraisedplatform.Afour-posterbedatthat,withwhitesheetsdrapedaroundthetop.RosepetalsintheshapeofaheartareinthemiddleofthebedwithMr.&Mrs.pillows.Istandbesidehim,swayingfromsidetosideasItrytogetmyselfbalanced.“Isthisweird?”Isaythewordsoutloud,hopingthathetellsmethatweshouldjustcallitanight.Ilookaroundtoseetherosepetalsarescatteredeverywhere.Thereisn’tapieceoffloorthatisn’tcoveredwithatleastonerosepetal.Inthecorneroftheroombesidethebedisadeepwhitetubthatcanfitmorethantwopeople.Istepintotheroomjustabitmore,butmybalanceisabitoff,andIseethatthetubisfilledwithwaterandrosepetals,candlesfloatingonthetop.“Ifthisisweird.”Ilookbackathim.“Icango.”Hejuststandstheretakingintheroom,andthenshakeshishead.
“Aftertoday,”hesays,lookingbackatme,“youbeinghereisn’ttheweirdestthingthathashappenedtome.”Hewalksovertomeandhandsmethebowlofstrawberriesthatheiscarryinginhishand.“Holdthese.”Ilookdownathishandthatisreachingout,tryingtofocusongrabbingthebowlfromhim.IgigglewhileItakeitfromhim,andthenheturnsback,walkingtowardthebed.Istandherenervously,wonderingwhatheisgoingtodo.Iwatchwithbatedbreathandafitofnervousgigglesashewalksovertothebedandgrabsthecoverbythecorner,andheripsitoff.Therosepetalsthatwereperfectlyplacedinthemiddleofthebedflyeverywhere.“Thisway.”Heslursabit,walkingtothedoorinthemiddleoftheroomandopeningit.Ifollowhimtowardthedoorandstepontothebalconyintothedarknight.Abreezerunsthroughme,andIshiver.“ThankGod.”Helooksaroundandputsthecoverdownonthewoodenbalconyfloor.Hekicksoffhisshoesandwalkstothemiddleoftheblanket.“Comeon.”Hemotionswithhishead,andIputthebowlsdowntotakeoffmyshoes.
WhenIstepoutontothewood,it’scooleronmyfeetthanIthoughtitwouldbe.Itrytotiptoetowardthecover,andmyfootsinksintoit.ItfeelslikeI’mwalkingonacloud.“Idon’tthinkthiscoverismeanttobeonthisbalcony.”Ilaugh,unsureofmyself.
Hesitsdownononesideoftheblanketandthenpatsthesidebesidehim.“Makeyourselfathome.”
Iwalktothespotthathejustpattedandgodownononekneeandthentheother,tryingtogracefullysitwithoutmyfeetflyingoutfromundermeandavoidsuddenlybeingonmybackwithmylegsupintheair.IalmostcelebrateoutloudwhenIsitdownnexttohimwithoutadisaster.Icurlmyfeettothesideofme,butmykneesareclosetohim,touchinghisleg.Hetakesoffthetinfoilaroundthecorkandthentwiststhelittlewirearoundit,andthenhepopsthecork.Champagnefliesout,andhequicklymoveshishandtothesidesoitcanspilloffthecover.“Ihopeyoudidn’tputyourcreditcarddownforadeposit,”Ijokewithhim,andhebringsthebottletohislipsandtakesasip.
“Iknowtheowner,”heassuresme,handingmethebottle.ItrynottothinkabouthowhislipsjusttouchedthetopofthebottlewhenIbringittomylips.Thecoldsweet,bubblychampagnehitsmylipsandthenmytongue.Ireallyshouldn’tbedrinkinganythingelsetonight,butmybuzzsaysotherwise.
“Thisisagoodone,”Isay,handingitbacktohim,andourfingersgrazewhenhetakesit.Thelittlewaymystomachrisesandthenfallsmakesmelookupatthesky.Thestarsaretwinklinglikelittlediamonds,thesoundofcricketsfillsthearea,andifyoucloseyoureyes,itsoundsjustlikehome.
“Onlythebest,”hesays,andIlookoverathimashesitsdownwithhislegsextendedinfrontofhim.“Forthemister.”Helaughs,shakinghishead.Hebringsthebottletohislipsandtakesthreegulps,andthenhandsitbacktome.Ourfingersgrazeeachotheragain,andthistimetheylingerlonger,andmyheartbeatstartstospeedupfasterandfaster.Itrytocontrolmybreathingandalsothewaymyheadisstartingtospin,andIwonderifit’sfromtheboozeorbeingwithhim.
“Goodtoknow,”Isay,puttingthebottleagainstmylipsagainwhileTravisgrabsastrawberryandbitesit.
“Strawberryandchampagne,”hesays,lookingupatthestars.“Whoknewthatcombinationwasgood.”
Iputthebottledownonthecoverandthentakemyhandoffit.Icanseeitfallingtothesideassoonasmyfingersarenottouchingit,andwebothspringintoactionbeforeitspillsalloverthecover,anditwouldhavemostlyfallenonhim.“Ooh,”Isay,rushingtogetitatthesametimeashishandscomeouttostopitalso.Hishandscovermineashecatchesthebottleatthesametimeasme,butitspillshalfoutontotheblanket,andhepicksitup,myhandstillwrappedaroundthebottle.“Crisisaverted,”Isay,lookingdownatourhandstouching.Mybreathingiscomingoutinpants,andIreallyhopeit’snotechoinginthesilentnight.Imakethestupidmistakeoflookingupathim,andhe’ssuddenlyalotcloserthanIthoughthewas.SocloseIcanfeelhisbreathonmyface,soclosethatIcansmellhiscologne.SoclosethatI’mafraidtomoveawayfromhim.“Travis.”Isayhisnameinawhisper,andithappensinslowmotion,ormaybeit’sjustthefogofwhatishappening.
Hishandsleavemineandcomeuptoholdmyface.“Harlow.”Iseehislipsmovingtosaymyname,andbeforeIknowwhatishappening,hislipsareonmine.Idon’tknowifI’mtheonewhomoans,orheistheone,orifit’sthebothofus.Butmymouthopensforhis,andhereinthemiddleofthenightunderthestars,IfinallygetthekissthatI’vethoughtaboutforthelastfouryears.Chapter13
Travis
Irushtomakesurethebottledoesn’tspillbesideme,andmyhandsfallonhers.Theheatfromherhandsrunsthroughme.Mywholechestcontractsinawaythatonlyshecando.It’sonlyeverdonethatwithher.Ithoughtthatafterher,itwasallinmyhead,buttheminutemyeyesfellonher,everythingbecameclear.“It’syou.It’salwaysbeenyou.”Myhandsflyoffhers,andIgrabherfaceinmine,andmyheartspeedsupsofastitsoundslikeaherdofbullsrunningthroughthestreetsinSpain.HernameleavesmylipsrightbeforeIpullhertomeandkissherlips.
ImoanintohermouthwhenIslipmytongueintohermouth.Iftherewereeverfireworksforakiss,thereshouldbesome.Actually,everysinglefuckingtimeI’vekissedher,I’vefeltfireworksgooff.MyhandsmovefromherfacetoherhairasItiltherheadtotheside,andthekissdeepens.MytonguegoesaroundandaroundinacircleasifIcannevergetenough,andnowthatI’vetastedheragain,Iwillnevergowithouther.
Shepants,lettinggoofmylips,andmywholebodystopsmoving.Myheartstopsbeating,andit’slikeIturnedtostone.Myeyessearchherstoseeifthekisshadthesameeffectonherasitdidonme.“Wait,”shesays,andmyhandswon’tlethergo,fromfearthatI’llneverbeabletotouchheragain.Ireallyshouldhavewaitedforhertomakeamove.IshouldhavetoldherflatoutthatIwantedtokissher,butitallhappenedsofast.“Iwantto,”shesays,turningandputtingthebottleontheotherside.Itfallsonitsside,butshedoesn’tevennoticewhensheturnsbacktome.Fuck,she’sstunning.“Wherewerewe?”sheaskswithasmirk.“IfIrememberwell,yourtonguewas.”Idon’twaitforhertotellmewheremytonguewassinceIrememberexactlywhereitwas.
“Itwasrighthere.”Ismilerightbeforeclaimingherlipsagain.Thistimesheturnsinmyarms,andourlipsslipapart.
“Sorry,”shesaysasherhandspullupherdressevenmore,andshethrowsherlegsoverme.“That’sbetter.”Herhandscomeuptomyfaceasshepullsmetoher.Myhandsfalloutofherhairandtaketheirplaceatherhips.Theyfitinmyhandsperfectly.Hertonguecomesoutasshelicksmylowerlipbeforeslidingintomymouth.Herhandleavesmyfaceandrunsthroughmyhair.MyhandsmovefromherhipstoherassasIsqueeze,andshesitsfullyonmycock.Mycockisharderthanit’severbeen,andshegrindsonme.
“Fuck,”Ihissout,leavingherlips,herheadfallsback,leavingherneckbareforme.Myarmswraparoundher,pullinghertomeasmytonguecomesoutandtracesdownherneckbeforeInipatherandsuckin.Herhandspullmyhair,somyheadgoesback,andsheattacksmylips.Hertongueisfightingwithmine.Thesoftkissesofbeforearegone,andthebothofusareneedy.Herhandsgofrommyhairtomyshouldersandthentomychest,whereshebunchestheshirtinherfists.Shemovesherheadfromsidetoside,tryingtogetthekissdeeperasshegrindsbackandforthonmycock.“Torture.”Iletgoofherlips,pantingout.“It’sfuckingtorture.”Andhermouthattacksmyneckandslowlymovesuptowardmyearasshenipsthelobeatthesametime.Shepullstheshirtoutofmypants.Iplacemyhandsbehindme,leaningbacktogiveheraccesstome.
Herfingersgotomybuttons,hereyesonmethewholetime.Shefumbleswithacoupleofbuttons,andatthispoint,I’mreadytojusttearmyshirtoffme.Whenshefinallygetstothelastbutton,sheletstheshirtslidetotheside.“Ididit.”Shesmilesproudly,andIraiseonehandtoherheadandpullhertometokissheragain.Hertongueslidesagainstmine,herchestgoesflushwithmine,thesatinfromthedressfeelssmooth.Isitupstraight,andmyotherhandgoestoherhip.Myhandslipstohershoulder,andmyfingerstracedownherarmtoholdherotherhip.Shemoansintomymouthwhenmyhandsmoveupthesidesofherribcageandthencuphertits.Shetiltsherhipsupthelengthofmycoveredcock,andit’smyturntomoanintohermouth.Icanfeelhernipplesthroughherdress,andmymouthwaterstotastethem.Ipushdowntheonesideofthedresswithnosleeve,leavehermouth,andbendmyheadtotakehernippleintomymouth.ShearchesherbackwhenItwirlmytonguearoundhernipple,bitingdownonit.“Travis,”shemoans,andmyhandpinchestheothercoverednipple.Mymouthgoestoit,andIbiteitthroughhersatindress.Shemovesherhandtothesideofher,andIhearthesoundofazipper,andbeforeIknowit,herarmwiththesleeveisbeingmoveddown,andherdressfallstoherwaist.Ilookintohereyesbeforekissingheragain.Nowournakedchestsarepressedtogetherasshetriestopushmedownonmyback.
“Notyet.”Ichuckle.“You’llgetmeonmybacksoon,”Isay,wrappingmyarmaroundherwaistandturninghertoherback.
“Thisworks,too.”Shesmirksasshewrapsherlegsaroundmyhips,herhandscomingouttopushmyshirtoffmyshoulders.“Yougotbigger,”shesaysofmyarms.“Andmoredefined.”Sheusesherindexfingertorundownoneofmypecs.Sheisn’twrong.WhenIwasn’tworking,Iwouldspendtimeinthegym.Igetonmyknees,takingofftheshirt,andherlegsfallfrommyhipswhenshesitsup,andIlookdownather,pushingherhairawayfromherface,leaningdown,andkissingherlips.ShesmilesatmewhenIleaveherlipsassheleansinandbitesmypecrightbesidemynipple.
Ihissout,andshelaughs.Lyingbackdown,myeyestravelfromherbeautifulfacedowntoherneck,andIfallforwardonher,butmyhandscatchmebeforeIsquashher.Myheadbends,andIsuckinherneckontherightspotandshemoans.Herhandsareonmysides,andIswearmystomachsinksinfromhertouch,makingmeshiver.Mytonguecomesout,andItraildowntohernipple,teasingitwiththetipofmytonguebeforesuckingitintomymouth.Herhandsgotothebackofmyhead,andwhenIlookup,Iseethatshe’swatchingme.Withmyeyesonhers,Imovetotheotherbreastanddothesamething.IsuckrightnexttohernippleandseethespotbecomingredasItrailkissestoherstomach.Ipushawayfromherandkneelwithmybackstraightinthemiddleofherlegs.“Thereisonething,”Isay,runningmyhandsfromheranklesallthewayuptoherthighs.SoftgoosebumpsformwhenIgetclosetoherpussy.“OnethingI’mdyingtodo.”
“Isthere?”Sheputsonehandbehindherhead.“Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,thereisalsoonethingI’mdyingforyoutodo.”Shesmirksatme.
“Isthatso?”Myfingerincheshigheronherinnerthigh.“IwonderifwhatI’mdyingtodo.”Icanfeeltheheatcomingfrombetweenherlegs,andmyhanddisappearsunderherskirt.“Isthesamethingyouaredyingformetodo.”
Myfingertipsgrazethelaceofherpanties.Icanfeelthemwetalreadywhensheliftsherhipsupoffthefloor.“Letmegiveyouahint.”Herhandsgotoherhipsasshepullsherdressuptoaroundherwaist.Hergreenlacepantiesaretheexactcolorofherdress.“I’dlikeyourmouth,”shesays,puttingherhipsdown.“Righthere.”Shemoves
“Iknow.”Igrazeherclitwithmyteeth,andthistimeshecomesagain.Themoanfillsthenight,andifanyonewasaround,theywouldknowexactlywhatwasgoingon.Islidemytongueintoheratthesametimeasmyfingersandthenlickuptoherclitassheridesthewaveoverandoveragain.Herhipsbuckeachtime,andwhenImovemyfingersfasterandfasteruntilIcan’tmovemyfingersanymore,Iknowshe’sgoingtocomeagain.“Onemoretime,Harlow,”Isay,andIlookupatherasshestaresatmeeatingherpussy.Hereyesrolltothebackofherhead,andshecomesharderthansheeverhas.Myfingersslowdownasherholdonmyheadeasesup.Herlegsfalltothesides,andwhenIslideoutofher,allIcandoiswatchherchestmovingupanddown.
“Thatwas.”Shelicksherlipsandopenshereyes.“Thatwas.”Icrawluptoher,andhernoserubsagainstmyjaw.“Thatwasfun.”Icanhearthesmileinhervoice.“Ibetit’llbejustasgoodwhenItakeyourcockdownmythroat.”Chapter14
Harlow
“Thatwas.”Ilickmylipswithmyeyesstillclosed.Iamafraidtoopenthemandforittobeadream.Thecoolairbreezesthroughme,andwhenIopenthem,heisonhiskneesinthemiddleofmylegs.“Thatwas,”Istarttosay,gettingmybreathingbacktonormalwhenhecrawlsupandoverme,andIrubmynoseunderhisjaw.“Thatwasfun.”Ismileathowstupiditsounds.Thatwasfun.Thatwaswaybetterthanfun.ThatwasthebestI’veeverhad,andI’vealreadyhadhim.Itwaslikethebestonsteroids.Ikisshisneck,andheleansbacksoIcanseehisface.“Ibetit’llbejustasgoodwhenItakeyourcockdownmythroat.”
Hegroans,andIslideoutfromhisgrasp,standingupwithmydressbuncheduparoundmywaist.Islipitovermyhips,takingmypantieswithitasIstandhereinthemiddleofthebalcony,nakedasthedayIwasborn.“Hmm.”Hepushestohisknees,andhisfaceistheperfectheightofmypussy.Hishandsgotomyassasheslideshistonguebetweenmylips.
“No,”Isaybegrudgingly.“It’smyturn.”Imoveoutofhisgrasp.
“It’snotmyfault,ifyouputyourpussyinmyface.”Hesmirks,gettinguptohisfeet.“I’mgoingtoeatit.”
Ithrowmyheadbackandlaugh.“Goodtoknow.”Iclosethegapbetweenus,andwhenhebendshisheadforakiss,Ifalltomykneesinfrontofhim.MyhandsgotohisbeltasIlookupathim.Hiseyeswatchmyeverysinglemove.“Ithinkthetimehascome.”Ipullouthisbeltandunbuckleit.“Forme.”Iopenthebutton.“Togetthis.”Ipulldownthezipperandpushhispantsoverhiships.“Babydown.”Ipalmhiscockoverhiswhiteboxers,andit’sjustlikeIrememberedit.Longandthick,andIswearmypussyconvulsesthinkingaboutsittingonitagain.Myfingersslideintotheelasticatthetop,andIslowlyuncoverhiscock.“Downmythroat.”Ileanin,lickingthetipofhiscockjustlikealollipopandtastinghissaltyprecum.Ipushhisboxersdownwithhispantsoverhisass.Myhandgripsthebaseofhiscock,andhemoans.“Seehowmuchfunthisis.”Isuckthetipofhiscockinmymouthandthenletitgo.“Yourcock.”Itakehimjustatouchdeeperbeforelettinggoagain.“Inmymouth.”Itakehimevendeeper.“Downmythroat.”Itrytotakehimallin,buthe’stoolongandthick.Myhandmoveswithmymouth,andIlookupathimasItrytotakehimallthewayin.Hishandgoesintomyhairashishipsmovewithmymouthashefucksmyface.
“Harlow.”HehissesoutmynamewhenIgrazetheheadofhiscockwithmyteethandlickdownhisshafttohisballs.IlookupathimwhenIsuckoneintomymouthandthenmoveovertotheotherone.“Fuck,”hesays.HecloseshiseyesandputshisheadbackwhenItakehiscockinmymouthagain.“I’mnotgoingtolast,”hesaysbetweenclenchedteeth.“I’mgoingtocome,”hewarnsme.
“Comeinmymouth,”Iurge,takinghiscockbackdownmythroat,andhedoesjustthat.Icontinuesuckinghimuntilthelastdrop,andonlythendoIlethiscockleavemymouth.
“Thatwas,”hesays,hischestrisingandfalling.Hepullsmeuptostandinfrontofhim.“Thatwas.”Herubshisnosewithmine,hislipskissingthecornerofmymouth.
“Fun.”Itrynottolaugh,butIfailmiserably,andthebothofuslaugh.Hepusheshispantsdownandstepsoutofthem,leavinghimnakedinfrontofme.It’sbeenfouryearssinceI’veseenhimnaked,andthememoriesdon’tdohimjusticeatall.
“I’mreadytohavemorefun.”Hewrapshisarmaroundmystomachandpicksmeup.Iwrapmylegsaroundhiswaist.
“I’dlovetohavemorefun,”Isay,expectinghimtoputmeonthecover,buthestartswalkinginside.
“Arewenotgoingtohavefunonthebalcony?”Iaskhimashestepsintothehouse.
“Fuckno.”Heshakeshishead.“I’mnotgoingtohavefunwithyouonawoodenbalcony.”
Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneck.“Wehadsexinthefrontseatofyourcarwiththesteeringwheelpressedagainstmyass,”Iremindhim.SexwithTraviswasalways,andImeanalways,good.Fromtheveryfirsttimeuntilthelasttime.Wewouldhavesexoften,sometimesthreetimesaday.
“Well,IthinkIcandobetterthanasteeringwheelonyourass.”Hechuckles.“Andthatwasyourfault.Youliterallyclimbedovertheconsole.”
“Youspentfifteenminutestellingmehowyouweregoingtoeatmypussy,”Ihuffout,andthenhethrowsmeonthebed.Ilaugh,andmylegsfallopen.
“I’mabouttodothatrightnow,”hesays,crawlingonthebedandburyinghisheadbetweenmylegs.
“That’sgood.”Myhipscomeuptoridehisface.“ButIthinkyourcockinmypussywouldbebetter.”
Hegetsonhisknees.“Isthatso?”
Isitupandjerkhiscock.“Thatisso,”Iconfirmandturnmyheadtoseethesidetableandabowlfullofcondoms.“Whoeverwasresponsibleforthisroomneedsaraise.”Itearthecornerofthecondomopenandcrawlovertohim,readytoputitonhim.
“I’lldothat.”Heholdsouthishand.“Yougetonyourback,spreadyourlegs,andgetyourselfreadyforme.”Igladlyhandhimthecondomandfallbackandspreadmylegsforhim.ImovemyhanddowntoplaywithmyclitasIwatchhimsheathehimself.
“Iwantithard.”Isliptwofingersinme.“Andfast.”
“You.”Hecrawlsovertome,hiscockreadyforme.“Willtakemycock.”Heslapsmyclitwithhiscock,thenrubsitupanddownmyslit.Heslipsthetipin.“HowIgiveittoyou,”hesaysrightbeforeslammingintome.
Myeyesrolltothebackofmyhead,andhepullsoutandslamsbackintome.Ifeelsofull.“Youcandoitharder,”Iegghimon,knowingthathealwaysgaveittomethewayIwantedit.Itiltmyhipsbacktogethimevendeeper,andhisballsslapagainstmyassoverandoveragain.Hefucksmelikehe’sneverfuckedmebefore,everythrustisharderthanthelastone,andIloveeverysecondofit.Myfingersstrummyclit,andwhenI’mabouttocome,hecanfeelitbecausehepullsoutofmecompletelyandburieshisfaceinmypussy,slidinghistongueinacoupleoftimesbeforeslamminghiscockbackin.“Ineed,”Isay,andtheonlysoundintheroomisthesoundofourskinslappingtogether.Hishipsthrustinandout,andhebendstobitemynipple,andit’sthepushIneededtogoovertheedge.“I’mcoming.”Itrytoclosemylegstomakehimstayput,buthejustkeepsslammingintomeoverandoveragain.IthinkI’mattheendofitwhenhepullsoutandturnsmeovertomystomach.Hegrabsmebythehipsandslamsintome,andIcomeagain,andthistimesodoeshe.Heroarsoutmynameashecomesintothecondom.Hecollapsesontopofme,andmyeyesclose.“That,”IsaywhenIfeelhisheadtouchthepillownexttome.Iturnmyheadtoseehimwithhisheadturnedandhiseyesclosed.
Heopensthem,andIhaveneverseenhiseyessoclearbefore.“Thatwasoutofthisfuckingworld,”hesays,slippingoutofmeandgoingtohisback.Hecloseshiseyesandputsonehandonhischest.
Mypussycriesforhimtocomeback.“Imean,itwasgood,”Ijokewithhim,andheopensoneeyetolookatme.“Ithinkwecandobetter.”
“Isthatso?”Hesmirksatme,andIgetonmyknees.
“Onlywaytofindoutistodoitagain,”Isay,andhepullsmetohim.
“Iseeusdoingthat,”hesays,pushingthehairawayfrommyface.“Alotmore.”
“Oh,really?”Isaybeforehismouthisonmine.
“I’mgoingtostartupstairs,”Ihearawoman’svoicesay.“Andthencomeandhelpyouguysdownhere.”
Myeyesflutteropen,thinkingthatIwasjustdreamingIheardvoices.ButwhenIhearsomeonegasp,Iknowit’snotadream.“OhmyfuckingGod.”Idon’tmovebecauseI’mnotsureifI’mcoveredornot.Idon’tevenknowhowlongI’vebeensleeping,everysingletimeIclosedmyeyes,wewouldsnuggleup,andhisdickwouldendupinsideme.Thelasttime,Icollapsedonmystomachandfellasleepwhenhewasgoingtogetridofthecondom.MymouthfeelslikeIhaveswallowedsandonthebeach
Ilookovermyshoulder,andmyeyesmeetShelby,whojuststareswithhermouthopenandherhandmovingtocoversaidmouth.ThesoundoffootstepsrunningupthestairshasTravisopeninghiseyes.IwatchClarabellaandPresleycometothetopofthestairsandhaltintheirstepsbehindShelby.BothofthemhavethesameexpressionontheirfacesthatShelbyhas.JustClarabellasmirksatmeandrollsherlipstostopfromlaughingout.
“JesusChrist,Shelby,”Travishissesoutfrombesideme.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Hesitsupnow,andthesheetthatwasonhischestfallstohislap.
“WhatamIdoinghere?”sheasks,shocked.
“Canthefloorswallowme?”I’mshockedwhenIhearthewordsoutloud.IthoughtIwasthinkingitinsteadofsayingit.IlookaroundtoseeiftheyheardmesaywhatIjustdid.
“Someoneswallowedsomeonelastnight,”Presleysays,foldingherarmsoverherchest.Igroanoutandgrabthecoverandtrytobringitovermyhead.
“Okay,allofyouneedtogodownstairs,andwe’llmeetyouthere.”
“I’llmakecoffee,”Clarabellasays,turningandgoingdownthestairs.
“I’mgoingtogohelpheranddiscusswhatwejustsaw.”Presleystepsdownonestep.“Comeon,Shelby.”ShepullsShelbybesideher.
“OhmyGod,”Igrumble,andifIdidn’twanttodiebefore,Idefinitelywanttodienow.“Thisissoembarrassing,”Isay,gettingupandholdingthesheettomychestasIgetoutofthebed.PanicisrunningthroughmeasIlookbackatTravis,whoisnownaked,andhiscockisup.
Iholdupmyhandtostopmyeyesfromlookingatit.“It’salittletoolateformodesty.”Travisgetsoutofbed.“Yousatonmyfacelessthantwohoursago.”
“Thatwasdifferent,”Ihisswhisperathim,buttheopennessoftheroommakesmyvoicecarry.
“Itwasstillyounaked,”hepointsout,walkingtothedoorandthenthinkingaboutwalkingoutontothebalcony,andIshouthisname.
“Coveryourself.It’slightout,”Ihissathim,andhegrabsatowelthatweusedwhenwegotoutofthetubsometimeduringthenight.“Andgetmydress.”Ipointatthedoor.
“Well,theregoesmorningsex,”hesays,wrappingthetowelaroundhishipsatthesametimethephoneinmypursestartstoring.Chapter15
Travis
Iputmyhandonthedoorknobtogooutsidewhenaphonestartsringingfromdownstairs.“That’smyphone,”shesays,clingingtothesheetinfrontofher
“Cansomeonebringupthephone?”Ishoutdownthestepsandthengotowalkoutside.ThesunmakesmesquintasIgrabourclothesandwalkbackinside.
“Here,”Clarabellasays,handingHarlowherpurse.
“Thankyou,”shemumblesanddoesn’tevenmakeeyecontactwithher.Thephonestopsringing.IsmileatClarabellaassheturnsandwalksbackdownthestairs.“Canthisbeanyworse?”
Ilaugh.“Itcouldhavebeenmymother,”Isay,andsheglaresatme,andIlaugh.“Wearetwoconsentingadultswhocandowhatwewant.”Itrytosmoothitoverwithher.ThelastthingIwantedwastowakeupwithmysistersbargingin.NotafterthenightIjusthad.Thebestnightofmylife,andofcourse,itwouldmakesensethatitwaswithHarlow.
Thephoneringsagainfromherpurse,andsheopensitandlooksatme.“It’sRachel.”Shecloseshereyesandputsherheadback.“Hello.”Sheputsthephonetoherear.“Yeah,yeah,I’mfine,”shesays,lookingatme.“Brunchsoundslikeaplan.I’llbereadyinaboutanhour.”Idon’tknowwhatRachelsays,buttwominuteslater,shehangsup.“Ineedtogetbacktothehotel.”Shegrabsherdressfrommyhand.“Wherearemypanties?”
“Outsideonthefrontporch.”IhearPresleyfromdownstairs.“Wethoughtitwasajoke.”
“Well,thejoke’sonallofyou,”Harlowsaysandlaughsasshestandsup.“I’mguessingyouaren’tgoingtoturnaround.”
“Youwouldberight,”Isay,gettingup,andIhatethatsheisshyinfrontofmethismorning.“ButIwill,”Isay,turninganddroppingthetowelfrommywaistasIputonmyboxers.IhearthezipperfromherdressatthesametimeasIzipupmyownpants.
“HowdoIlook?”sheasks,andIturnaround,andIcan’thelpbutsmile.
“Beautiful,”Isaysoftly,andthenmyeyesgotoherneck,andIputmyhandtomymouth.“Yourneck,”Isay,andshewalksovertothebathroom,andshelooksinthemirror.
“Didyougivemeahickey?”sheshrieksout.“Whatiswrongwithyou?”Herheadcomesoutfromthebathroom.
“It’snotmyfault.”Iholdupmyhands.“Ithinkit’swhenyouweresittingon.”Shewalksoutofthebathroomandholdsupherhand.
“Idon’tneedareplay.Iwasthere,”sheretorts,andIwalkovertoherandtakeherinmyarms.Shecomesreluctantly.“Thisiscrazy.”
“Isit?”Iaskhersoftly,andshedoesn’tanswer.Allshedoesislookupatme,andIbendtokissherlips.
“Ihavetogo,”shesays.“Rachelisgoingtobewaitingforme.”
Inodmyheadatherandslipmyfingersinhersaswewalkdownthestairs.Mychesthurts,thinkingsheisgoingtoleaveanyminute.“Well,well,well,ifthatisn’tthewalkofshame,”Presleysaysfromthestoolinthekitchen.“Idon’tknowwhatis.”
“Thereisnoshame,”Isay,andHarlowuntanglesherfingersfrommine.
“Canoneofyoudrivemetothehotel?”sheasksthem.“Orpointmeinthedirection,andIcanUberthere.”
“I’lltakeyou,”Clarabellasays,comingtoher.“I’llbebackforyouguysafterIdropheroff.”
“Thankyou,”Harlowsaysandthenlooksupatme,andIcanseethatshehassomuchshewantstosay,butshejustnodsatmeandwalksoutofthehouse.Iwanttoreachoutforherhandandkissheronelasttime,butIknowwithanaudiencepresentandtheembarrassmentthatsheisfeeling,shewillnotbehappywithme.
IwatchthedoorclosebehindherandthenseeShelbywalkpastmeandlookoutside.Ihearthecrunchofthetiresastheydriveaway,andonlythendoesShelbyturnaroundandlookatme.“Haveyoulostyourgoddamnmind?”sheshoutsatme,puttingherhandsonherhips.DefinitelynotwhatIthoughtIwasgoingtobedoingthismorning.
“Here,”Presleysays,walkingtomysideandhandingmeacupofcoffee.“Beforeyouansweranything,drink.”
“Whycan’tyoubenicer,likeher?”IpointatPresleyandtakeasipofthehotcoffee.“Andwhyareyouyelling?”
“Becauseyouhavelostyourever-lovingfuckingmind.”Shethrowsherhandsupintheair,andIjustsmirk.
“Therewasalsofuckinglastnight.”Presleytriestomakeajoke,andwebothglareather.“Toughcrowd.”
“One,whathappenedbetweenHarlowandme.”Isayhernameagain,andit’slikemusictomyears.“Isbetweenus.”
“Ittookyoutwoyearstogetoverher,”Shelbypointsout,andIrollmyeyes
“Iwasbusybuildingmypractice.”Itrytoshyawayfromthetruth.
“Lies,”Presleysaysfrombesideme,andIlookoverather.“HenevergotoverHarlow.”
“What?”Iask,shocked,andPresleyjustshrugshershoulders.
“Youcan’tstandthereandtellmethatyouactuallylovedJennifer,”shesays,andthecoffeethatItookasipofisstartingtocomeup.I’mabouttosaysomethingwhensheputsupherhand.“I’msureyoulikedherplenty,butlove.”Sheshakesherhead,sittingbackdownonthestool.Shepicksuphercupofcoffeeandbringsittoherlips.“Youdidn’tloveher.”
“Howcanyousaythat?”Shelbysaysandthenlooksatme.
“You.”PresleypointsatShelby.“Arefullofshit.”ShelbygaspsatherwhileIhearthesoundoftiresagain.Myheartspeedsupinmychest,andIwonderifHarlowdecidedthatshedidn’twanttobedroppedoffandinsteadwantedtocomeback.Thefrontdooropens,andClarabellastepsinandshutsthedoorbehindher.
“Okay,IrushedasfastasIcould.”Shelooksatthethreeofus.“WhatdidImiss?”
“Nothing,”ShelbyandIsayatthesametime.
“Liarsliars,pantsonfire,”Presleysays.“ShelbywasaskingifTravislosthisgoddamnmind.ThenItoldhimthatheneverlovedJennifer.”
“True,”Clarabellasays,andmyeyeswiden,andshelooksatme.Shelaughs.“Youcan’tactuallystandthereandtellusthatyoulovedJennifer.”Shelooksatme,andIwanttosaythatIdid,butIlookdownatmycoffee.“Exactly,youwereneveryou,”shestartstosay.“Imean,lookatthisplace.Youboughtthishouseandneverbroughtherhere.”Iswallowdown.“Younevereventoldher.”
“Itnevercameup,”Ilietoher.IwillnottellanyonewhyIboughtthishousefouryearsago.Noone,exceptforthewomanwhojustwalkedout.
“Waitasecond,”Shelbysays,holdingupafinger.“WhenIaskedyouabouttheweddingnight,yousaidthatyouwouldrentaroomatthehotel.”
“Ididrentaroom,”Itellthem.“Itoldyouguysnottodecoratehere.IspecificallysaidIwasn’tcominghereonmyweddingnight.”
“Yousaidyoudidn’twanttobringJenniferhere,yetyoubroughtHarlow,”Shelbycontinuesasifshe’sfuckingSherlockHolmes.
“Becausehedoesn’tloveJennifer,”Clarabellasays,andIlookather.“WhenyouarewithHarlow,it’slikeyouareyou.”
“Whatthefuckdoesthatevenmean?”Isay,frustratedthateveryoneisallinmybusinessandthatallofthisiscomingout.
“Youneverreallylaugh,”Presleysays.“It’sjustlike…”Shedoesn’tknowwhatwordtosay,soShelbycomesupwithone.
“Boring,”Shelbysays.“Youareveryboring.”Herfacegrimaces.
“Butthen,withHarlow,youarejokingandlaughing.Youheldherhandcomingdownthestairs,”Clarabellasays.“IneversawyoukissJennifer.Notonce.”
Itiltmyheadtotheside.“Soweweren’ttouchy-feely.”Idrinkacupofcoffee,andittastessourinmymouth.
“CanIsharemythoughts?”Clarabellasays,holdingupherhand.
“Why,you’vebeenholdingback?”Ilaugh.
Sherollshereyes.“WhenyoubrokeupwithHarlow,”shestarts.“Wecouldn’tevensayhername.Everysingletimewesawyou,youlookedworseandworse.”Shewipesatearawayfromhereye.
“Yeah,youlookedlikeshit,”Presleycutsin.“Youreyeswereallsunkenin.Itwasbad.”
“Andforgetaboutusevensayinghername.IrememberonceMommentionedhername,andyougotthislookinyoureyes,andyouleftthehouse.”Ilookdown,rememberinghowharditwasforme.“NowyoubrokeupwithJenniferyesterday,andyoudidn’tevenbataneye.”
“Also,we’vesaidJenniferamilliontimes,andyoudidn’tcry.”Clarabellapointsatme.“Harlowwalkedoutthedoor,andyoulookedlikesomeonestoleyouricecream.”
“Whatdoyouwantfromme?”Iaskallthreeofthem.
“Wewantyoutobehappy,jerkoff,”Shelbysays,foldingherarmsoverherchest.“AndifHarlowmakesyouhappy,ownuptoit.”
“Youaresolucky,”Presleysays,shakingherhead.“Ifyoubrokeupwithmefouryearsago,andthenyouinvitedmetoyourwedding,thelastthingIwouldgiveyouwasablowjob.”
“Same,”Clarabellasays.“Iwoulddefinitelykickyouintheballs.”
“Sheobviouslystillhasfeelingsforhim,”Shelbysays,andmyheartskipsabeathopingsheisright.
“Anyway,I’dlovetosithereandchataboutRomeo’slovelife,”Clarabellasays.“Butwehaveabrunchtogetto.”
“Also,pleasenote,”Shelbysays.“I’mnotcleaninganythinginthishouse.”
“Youmadethismess,”Isay,lookingaroundatthehouse.
“Youhadsexinthishouse,”shecounters.“AndthelastthingIwanttodoistouchsomethingthatyourballsacktouched.”
“Iwoulddie,”Presleysays,steppingawayfromthecounter.“Didyoudoithere?”Shepointsatthecounter.AndItrytohidethesmile.“OhmyGod.”
“Idon’tthinkwediditinthatspot.”Ipoint,andtruthbetold,weneverleftupstairs.“Butitmightbearoundthere.”
“Ineedashoweranddisinfecting,”Presleysays,walkingoutthedoor.“Brunchinthirty.Don’tbelate.”
“Whyarewehavingabrunchiftherewasnowedding?”Iask.
“Becausethefoodwasordered,andweonlyinvitedyourfriends,”Shelbystates,walkingoutthedoorandslammingitshut.
“IguessI’llfindmyownridethere,”Isay,shakingmyheadandlookingaround.Iwalkbackupstairstothebathroomandtakeashower,showingupatthebrunchforty-fiveminuteslaterinjeansandapoloshirt.
“Thereheis,”FrankiesayswhenIwalkintothesameroomwewereinlastnight.Exceptallthetablesaregonebutoneroundoneinthemiddle.“Fuck,howareyounothungover?”hesayswhenIgetcloseenoughtohim.Itakealookaroundandseeit’sonlytheguysthatareheresofar.
“Sleptitoff,”Ilietohim,andthedooropens,andIlookover,expectingtoseeherwalkingin.ButtheonlyoneswhowalkinareRachel,Victoria,andLydia.Thethreeofthemareallwearingsunglasses.
“PleasetellmethatsomeonehasaBloodyMary?”Lydiasays,goingstraighttothebar.
“Hey,”IsaytoRachelwhenshecomestosayhi.“WhereisHarlow?”
“Oh,sheleft,”shesays,andeverythinginsidemeshutsdown.“Shehadanemergencyandhadtoheadout.”Chapter16
Harlow
“Thankyousomuch,Harlow,”Mrs.Marcussaysasshegrabshercatandplacesitinthecarrier.Thecathadgottenoutofherhouseandhadaone-on-onewitharaccoon.Hecameinandlookedliketheracoongotthebestofhim.Butintheend,afterthreehoursofsurgeryandtwodaysofrecoveringwithus,he’sfinallygoinghome.“Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedonewithouthim.”
“Itwasmypleasure.”Ismileatherandlookintothecarrier.“Ifthereareanyquestionsyouhave,youhavemycellphone.”Shenodsatme,opensthedoortotheexaminingroom,andheadsout.IwalkovertothesilverexaminingtableandsprayitdownbeforeIdisinfectit.Usually,Donnacomesinafter,butIknowthatshewasthelastappointmentoftheday,soIdon’thavetorushtotheotherroom.Puttingawaythebottleunderthesinkinthecorner,Iopenthewatertowashmyhands.
“Hey,”Donnasaysfrombehindme,andIlookovermyshoulderasshecomesintotheroom.
“Ifyoutellmethatsomeoneelsecalled.”Iglareatherandshejustlaughs.
“Iwascomingtosay.”Shedragsoutwhatsheisgoingtosay,andIhavethisdreadrunthroughmethinkingthatit’sgoingtobeanotherlongnight.“ThatI’mleavingforthedayandnooneelsehascalled.”Donnasmilesatme.“I’veforwardedallthecallstoTylerfortheweekend.”
“Thankyou.”Iturnthewateroffandgrabapapertoweltodrymyhands.
“Ileftthefilesonyourdesk.”ShementionsallthecasesIdidtoday.Ialwayschartinwriting,andsheputsitinthecomputer.“Youcantakethemhome.”
Ishakemyhead.“I’mgoingtofinishthemhereandsleepforthenexttwodays.”
“Well,Iwasgoingtosayyoulookexhausted.”Shetiltsherheadtotheside.“Butyou’vebeenacrankylittlebeethisweek,soIdecidedagainstit.”
Ichuckle.“AndI’mnotcranky.”
“Oh,you’restillcranky,butIdon’thavetoseeyouforthenexttwodays,soyou’llforgetallaboutit.”Sheturnstowalkoutoftheroom.“SeeyouMonday.”Sheholdsherhandupoverherhead.
Walkingoutofmyexaminingroom,Iheadstraighttomyoffice.Thelightforthetwowindowsinthecornermakestheroomjustatouchbrighter.Thebigwoodendesksitsinthemiddlewithtwochairsinfrontofitandaloveseatinthecorner.WhichhadtobecomfortablesincesometimesIwouldfinishsurgeryandjustcrashonthecouchforacoupleofhours.
IwalkaroundmydeskandseethemanilafoldersstackedinthemiddleasIsitinthebigbrownleatherchairandleanback,myeyesclosingforjustasecond.
Thisweekhasbeenbrutalinsomanyways.Workhasbeennonstop,andI’veevenbeencalledinthemiddleofthenighttohelpwithacoupleofhorsesbirthingtheirfoals.Thencalledbackwhentheplacentadidn’tcomeout,mydaysweregoingontwentyhoursadayforthelastthreedays.
Totopallofthatoff,IwasbarelysleepingbecauseeverysingletimeIclosedmyeyes,allIsawwasTravis.Hewassmilingatme,hewassmirkingatme,hewasontopofme,thrustingintome.HewouldshoutmynameandmyeyeswouldalwaysflutteropenwhenIwouldgetcloseenoughtohim.Itwaspurefuckingtorture,andIwasoverit.
Mygoalistoliterallysleepallweekendlong,rightafterIgetmyworkdone.IopenthefirstchartandreadthelittlenotesthatIscribbleddownbetweenpatientsandeating.Ittakesmeaboutanhourtogetthroughallofit.MymindisonautopilotwhenIhearthebellringoverthedoor.Ilookupfrommydesk,hopingandfreakingprayingthatit’soneofmyfamilymembersandnotsomeonewhoneedsme.
IhavetolaughatmyselfasIsitatmydesk,notmoving,andafteracoupleofseconds,Igetup.Ifitwasanyofmyfamilymembers,theywouldhaveyelledmynamebynow.Iwalkoutoftheofficeanddownthehallwaytowardthereceptionarea,andIstopmidstep.Itcan’tbe,istheonlythingIcanthinkof.Asmyheartpoundsinmychest,Ifeelthenervesfillmybodyastheheatrisesupmyneck.Myhandsshakejustatouch.“Travis.”Isayhisname,andIhavetowonderifI’mdreaming.Isthisadream?
HeturnsaroundtolookatmeandItakehimin.He’swearingkhakipantsandabutton-downblueshirttuckedinwithwhitesneakers.Thesleevesofhisshirtarerolleduptohiselbowsandthetwotopbuttonsareopenaroundhisneck,showingyouthesmoothskinunderit.SkinthatIspentagoodpartoflastSaturdaylicking.Hisgreeneyeslightupwhenheseesme,hisfiveo’clockshadowthickerthanIremember.“Hey,”hesaysasifhimbeinghereisanormaloccurrence
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”istheonlythingthatcomestomymind.
“Iwasintheneighborhood.”Hesmirksatme,andIcan’thelpbutlaugh.
“Youtookaplane?”Iaskhim,myheadspinningaroundandaroundwhilemyheadisremindingmeofthewayhekissedme.
“No,Idrove.”Hestaresatme,andmystomachfillswithknots.
“Youdrovesixhourstobeintheneighborhood?”IfoldmyarmsovermychestbeforeIdosomethingstupidlikegrabhimbytheshirtandpullhislipsdowntokissme.
“Actually,itwaseighthourswithtraffic.”Hechuckles,andmywholebodyfeelslikeit’sbeenzappedwithanelectricshock.“Besides,howelsewouldIbeabletoaskyoutodinner?”
Mymouthopens.“Youdroveallthiswaytoaskmetodinner?”
“Well,Itriedcallingbutyoumusthavechangedyournumber,”hesays,lookingaround.“Andcallingyouroffice”—heshrugs—”seemedsoimpersonal.”Hiseyesstarerightatme.“Andlet’sbehonest,youwouldjustavoidme.”
“Okay,one.”Iholdupmyfinger,angrythatheknowsmeaswellashedoes.“Ididn’tchangemynumber.”Itakethephoneoutofmypocket,showinghimthephone.
“Icalledyou,”hestartstosay,andIholdupmyhand.
“No,youdidn’t.”Ishakemyhead,walkingovertoDonna’sdeskandpickingupthephonetodialmynumber.Thephoneringsinmyhand.“See,workingphone.”
Hegrabshisphonefromhisbackpocketandlooksdownatit.Puttingthephoneonspeaker,itdoesn’tevenringandgoesstraighttomyvoicemail.“That’sallIgot.IcalledoverahundredtimesonSunday.Itextedyoualso.”
“Well,thereyouare,lyingbecauseIdon’thaveanything.”Ilookdownatmyphone.
“Letmetry,”hesays,typingoutsomethingonhisphoneandpressingsend.Ilookdownatmyphonewaiting,andnothingcomesthrough.“See,”hesays,turninghisphone,andIseethatallthemessagesonhisscreenaregreen.
Iputmyhandinfrontofmymouth.“IthinkIblockedyou.”
“Youdon’tsay,”hesays,nottheleastbitshocked.Ilookdownatmyphoneanddialhisnumber,andhisphoneringsinhishand.“Oh,look,it’sHarlowcalling,”hejokesandputsthephonetohisearandIhearitecho.“Harlow,”hesaysasifheisn’tstandinginfrontofme.“Howniceofyoutocall.”
“Veryfunny,”Isay,hangingupthephone.“Okay,somaybeyouareblocked.”
“Well,unblockme,”hetellsme.
“Idon’tknowhowsinceyouaren’tacontactinmyphone,”Isay,lookingdownatmyphone,andhegasps.
“Youdeletedmeasacontact?”heasks,shocked.
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“It’sjustIlostmyphone,andwell,Ididn’thaveitsavedtothecloud,soIlostallmycontacts.”
“Oh,wow.”Hefoldshisarmsoverhischest.“Blamingitonthecloud.”
“I’mnotblamingitonthecloud,”Idefend.
“Good,becausenoonereallyknowswhatthecloudreallyis,”hepointsoutandheisn’twrong.Whentheguyatthestoreexplainedittome,Ithoughthehadtwoheads.
“Anyway,wearegoingofftopichere,”Isay,gettingflustered.
“Yes,weare.”Henods.
“Also…”Ipointathim.“Iwouldneveravoidyou,”Iliethroughmyteeth.EvenheknowsI’mlying.
“So,ifIhadleftamessage,youwouldhavecalledmeback?”Hestaresrightintomyeyes.
“Yes,”Isay,hopinghechangesthesubject.
“Youwouldhavecalledmebackrightaway?”Fuck,istheonlythingIcanthinkofwhenheasksthatquestion.
“I’vebeenbusy.”Ithrowupmyhandsinmydefense.
“Exactly,”hesays.“Soyouwouldhaveavoidedme,andthenwhat?”
“Andthenyouwouldtakethehintandnotcallmeback,”Isay,andIcanseethehurtflickeroverhiseyes,andthenhequicklyrecovers.
“Well,then,Iguessit’sagoodthingIwasintheneighborhood.”Hisvoiceissoft.“Sowhatdoyousay,Harlow?”
“Aboutwhatexactly?”Iaskhim,knowingthatwedefinitelyshouldtalkaboutwhatwedidlastweekend.ButthenassoonasIthinkaboutlastweekend,Ihopethatwedon’ttalkaboutit.IwanttosweepitundertherugwhereitbelongsandhopetofuckIcangetoveritandstopthinkingaboutit.ExceptonelookathimandI’malreadyreplaying
“Abouthavingdinnerwithme?”Hesmirks,andfuck,IwishIcouldwalkovertohimandleanmyheadbackwhilehekissesme.
Ishakemyhead.“Ican’tbelieveyoudroveallthiswayjustforthis.”
“Well.”Hesmilesatme,andthenmychestfills.“Ireally,reallywantedtoseeyou.”Ijustlookathim,notsayinganything.“Doesthatsilencemeanayes?”Chapter17
Travis
“Ican’tbelieveyoudroveallthiswayjustforthis.”Sheshakesherheadatme,andIcan’thelpbutsmileather.TheminuteIsawher,allIcoulddowassmile.
“Well,”Istarttosay.“Ireally,reallywantedtoseeyou.”Igiveherasecondtoanswer,suddenlynervousthatsheisactuallygoingtosayno.“Doesthatsilencemeanayes?”
“Ineedtochange.”Shepointsatthebluescrubsshe’swearing.
“That’sfine,”Isay.“Ihavetocheckintothehotelanyway.”
“Hotel?”Shetiltsherheadtotheside.“Youbookedaroom?”sheasks,shocked.
“Well,yeah.”Ilookaroundherwaitingroomandmyheartcan’tcalmdown.DidIwanttorentaroom?No.DidIwanttostaywithherandtakeherinmyarmstheminuteIsawher?Yes.WasIgoingtoletherpushmeaway?No.Wasshegoingtofightmethewholeway?Probably.“I’mgoingtogocheckintomyhotelandthenI’llswingbyyourhouseinaboutanhourandpickyouup,okay?”EverysinglesecondthatIwaitforhertoanswerfeelslikeaneternity.Myfeetmovetoher,andmyhandsgoouttograbherface.Mythumbsrubhercheeks.“Doyouthinkyoucanunblockmenowandsendmeyourhomeaddress?”Ismirkatherasmyheartechoesinmyears.“Itwouldbehardtoexplainif
Shechucklesandlooksdown.“Fine,”shesays,reluctantly.“I’llunblockyou.”Ican’thelpbutleanforwardandkissherlipssoftly.DefinitelynotthekissIreallywanttogiveherbutIknowthatit’sbabysteps.“ButonlybecauseI’mafraidthatyou’llknockonmyfather’sdoorormybrothers’,andthenthey’llshootyou.”
Ican’thelpbutputmyheadbackandlaugh.“Fairenough.”Theburningstartsinmystomach.Idon’tknowifIwouldblamethemforshootingme.Ihurther,andit’sunforgivable.
Myhandsdropfromherfacewhenshepullsupthephoneinherhandandaddsmebackasacontact.Shestartstotypesomething,andthenthephonepings,andItakeitbackoutofmybackpocket
Harlow:2145VillasStreet
Itextherback.
Me:I’llbethereinanhour.
Ipresssend,waitingforittobeepinherhand,andwhenitdoes,Ijustsmile.“Andjustlikethat,you’reback.”Shemakesmelaugh.
IkissheronelasttimebeforeIturnandwalkout,takingastepbeforeturningback.Thedooropens,andshestandsthere.“Thisisn’tyourfather’shouseaddress,isit?Oryourbrothers’?”Iask,andsherollsherlips.“Whywouldyouleadmetothelion’sden?”
“Cometothinkofit.”Sheputsherhandsonherhips,andhereyeslightupsobrighteverythingsettlesinsideme.“Ishouldhave.”
Ishakemyhead.“Seeyouinfifty-fiveminutes,Harlow.”Iturn,finallymakingmywayintothecarandonlywhenIsitbehindthewheeldoIfinallybreathealittlesighofrelief.Itakeonelookbackatherpracticeandsmile.Shedideverythingshesaidshewasgoingtodo.Ican’tbesorrythatIlethergobecauseofthat,buteversinceIlaideyesonherlastSaturday,theregrethashitmeharderthanawreckingballhittingaconcretewall.
Checkingintothelittlehotelisabreeze,andwhenIdumpmyovernightduffelbagonthebed,Iwalkovertothewindow,lookingout.FromtheminuteIfoundoutsheleftonanemergency,IknewthatIwasgoingtogoafterher.Therewasn’tevenaquestioninmymind.Iactednormalthewholetime,IlaughedwhenIneededtolaughandlistenedwhenIneededtolisten,butthewholetime,Iwasmakingmyplan.
Ittookmeacoupleofdaystomakesureeverythingwascoveredwithmyshifts,butassoonasitwas,Ipackedabagandheadedout.Sittinginthecarforeighthoursgavemetimetoplayeverythingoverandoverinmyhead.ThereunionwentalotsmootherthanIthoughtitwasgoingtogo.Ithoughtshewouldhavesaidno,butIthinkIcaughtheroffguard.Lookingdownatmywatch,Iseethatjusttenminuteshavepassed,andinsteadofjuststandingherewaiting,Iwalkbackouttowardmycar.
Imakeapitstopataflowershopbeforeheadingtoherhouse.StoppinginfrontofherhousewhentheGPStellsmethatI’vearrived,Itakeasecondtotakeinherhouse.Thewhitehouselooksmodern,butthefourwindowshavebrownwoodenshutters,andtheawninginthefrontisheldupwiththesamewoodposts.Twochairsareofftothesideofthehousewithatablebetweenthem,andIwonderifshespendstimeouttheresitting.Ipickuptheflowerswrappedinwhitepaperbeforegettingoutofthecar.Mypalmsaresweaty,mykneesareweak,andthewholetimeIwalktowardthefrontdoor,Ifeellikemyheartisgoingtocomeoutofmychest.Iwalkupthetwostepsfacingthetwobigbrowndoors.MyhandshakeswhileIringthedoorbellasItrytocalmmyself.
“Coming.”IhearfromtheothersideofthedoorswhenIhearthesoundofthelocksopen.Asmilecreepsontomyface,onlybecomingbiggerwhenIseeher.Herhairispiledontopofherhead,andIcanseethatthebottomlookswet.Shemusthavejustgottenoutoftheshowerandmycocksuddenlywakesup.“It’sbeenthirty-fiveminutes,”shejokeswithme,movingasidesoIcanstepin.
“Icouldn’twaitanylonger,”Iadmittoherandbenddowntokissthesideofhermouth.“Igottheseforyou.”
“Aww.”Shereachesouttograbthebouquetfromme,andourfingersgrazeeachother.“Thesearebeautiful,”shesaysofthewhiteandpinkpeoniesandrosesthatIpickedout.“Comeonin.”Shemotionswithherhead,andIwatchherassswayrighttoleftinthelightgrayjoggersthatshehason.Sheleadsustowardthebigfamilyroomthatisattachedtothekitchen.“SoIknowthatyouwanttotakemeouttodinner,”shesaysasshegrabsawhitewoodenstooltoopenthecabinetontopofthestainless-steelfridge.“ButIthoughtitwouldbenice.”Shegrabsabigsquareglassvase.“Ifwecouldstayin,andI’llcooksomething.”Ilookather,wonderingifsheisjoking,andwhenshedoesn’tevencrackasmile,Iknowsheisserious.
“Harlow,Idon’tcarewhatwedoaslongaswe’retogether,”Isay,withoutaddinginthatweshouldjustordersomethinginstead.
“Wow,”shesays,puttingwaterinthevaseandthenplacingtheflowersinthem.“Youwouldsacrificeyourlifejusttohavedinnerwithme?”
Ishakemyheadwhenshelaughsandbringstheflowersintothelivingroomandplacestheminthemiddleofthewoodencoffeetable.Ilookoveratthemantelontopofthefireplaceandseethattherearefivepictureframes.Shebendsoverandmyeyesgotoherassoncemore,andwhenshesnapsbackupandturnsaround,shecatchesmestaring.“Okay.”Sheclapsherhandsandwalkstome.Hersmellofhoneyfillsmewhenshegetscloseenough,andmyhandshootsouttobringherclosertome.Thesoftnessofherlong-sleevedwhitecashmeresweaterfeelslikesilk.Ithangslowinthefrontandfallsoffhershoulderabit,andIbendtokissit.“Iputmygrandmother’schickenpotpieintheovenwhenIgothome,”sheinformsmeandIstilldon’tlethergo.“Wecanhaveaglassofwineoutsidewhilewewait.”
“Thatsoundslikeaplan,”Isay,kissingherlipssoftlyasmyarmletsgoofherwaist.ShewalksbackintothekitchenandI’msuddenlyfuckingjealousandangrythatshegrewalifehereandIwasn’therewithher.Iknowit’sstupidsinceIwasbuildingmyownlife,butseeingherinherenvironmentjustmakesitsomuchmorereal.Shegrabstwowineglassesandthenwalkstothefridge,takingoutabottleofwhitewine.“Doyouwantred?”
“I’mgoodwithwhateveryouarehaving,”Isayandshepourswhitewineintothetwoglasses.
Shehandsmeaglassandtakeshersinonehandandthebottleintheother.
“Let’ssitoutside.Thepotpieshouldn’tbelong,andI’vebeencoopedupintheofficeallday.”
“Leadtheway,”Isayandsheturnstowardthesidewherethebackdooris.Shelooksoveratmetoopenthedoorforhersinceherhandsarefull.Istepforwardandlickmylips,kissingheragainbeforeopeningthedoorandholdingitopenforher.
“Thankyou,”shesays,walkingpastme.“Welcometomyoasis,”shesaysandIlookaroundatthebigwoodendeckthatiscoveredwitharoundtablewithsixchairs.“Let’ssitoverthere.”Shepointsatanotherlevelofherdeckwherethereisacouchareathatisalsocovered.Iwalkdownthestepandlookaroundatthetreesthataresurroundingher.
Ahammockinthecorneroftheyardswaysbackandforth.“Thisisrelaxing,”Isay,lookingaround,seeingherslipherlegsunderheronthecouchasshesits.
Isitdownonthecouchfacingher,eventhoughIwanttositnexttoherandtouchher.“Thisisparadise,”Isay,puttingmyankleontopofmykneeandleaningbackinthecouch.Myarmopenstodrapeacrossthebackofthechair.“Doyouspendalotoftimeouthere?”
Sheshakesherhead,takingasipofherwine.“Sadly,notasmuchasIwantto.”
Isitbackandwatchher.Fuck,Icouldwatchherforhours,days,weeks,months,years.Fuck,Iwanttowatchherforever.“Whyareyoustaringatmelikethat?”
Ishrugandtakeasipofmywine.“You’rebeautiful,”Isayasthesunslowlystartstosetononeside.Theskyisturningasoftpink.“It’sgoingtobeanicedaytomorrow?”
“It’ssupposedtobeniceallweekendlong.”ShestaresbackatmeandIsmile,bringingtheglasstomylips.“I’mgoingtogoandcheckondinner.”Shegetsupandfinishestherestofherwine.“I’llberightback.”
“I’mnotgoinganywhere,”Isay,andshelooksdownandwalksbackintoherhouse.“Notanytimesoon.”Chapter18
Harlow
“It’ssupposedtobeniceallweekendlong.”Istareathimwonderingwhatthefuckheisthinking.“I’mgoingtogoandcheckondinner.”ThenervesaregoingtotakeovermywholebodyandIneedtostepawayfromhimforasecond.Igrabmywineglassandfinishtherestofit.“I’llberightback.”
“I’mnotgoinganywhere.”HisstatementsendsshiversdownmyspineandIavoidhiseyes.Walkingbackintothehouse,thecoldairhitsmerightaway.IclosethedoorbehindmeandIcan’thelpwhenmybodycollapseswithmybackagainstit.Eversincehewalkedoutofmyofficethisafternoon,I’vegoneovereverythinginmyhead.Whythehellwashehere?Whyafterallthistime,washehere?Onenightwithhimhassentmylifeintoanupheaval.
Pushingmyselffromthedoor,Iwalkovertotheovenandopenittoseethepotpieagoldenbrown.“It’ssmellsdelish,”Isay,walkingovertograbtwoplates.Igrababigtrayandarrangeeverythingonit.AfterIaddtheutensils,IwalkovertothefridgeandtakeoutthepremadesaladthatIboughtmyselfatlunchthinkingthatIwasgoingtohaveanicerelaxingeveningathome,insteadofthis.“Whatthehellisgoingon?”ImumblewhenIlookoutsideandseeTravisstandingup,lookingaround.“Whythefuckisheevenhere?”PuttingontheovenmittsItakethepotpieoutoftheovenandplaceitonthetray.Takingoffthemitts,Iplacethemonthecounterandtakeanotherlookoutside,seeingthesunsettingrightbehindhim.MystomachflutterswhenIseehissilhouettefacingawayfromme.Hestandstherewithhishandsinhispocketsjustlookingoffintothedistance,andagainIwonderwhatthehellwashethinking.“Getthroughdinnerandmaybehewillgobackfromwherehecame,”Isay,walkingovertothedoorandopeningitbeforegoingbackandgrabbingthetray.
Hemustsensemecomingbecauseheturnsaroundandrushestomysidetograbthetrayfromme.“Whydidn’tyoucallme?”heasksashetakesthetrayfrommyhands.
“Well,becauseit’sjustatrayoffoodandIcouldcarryit,”Ihuffout,walkingtowardthecouchareatograbthewineandthebottle.WhenIwalkbacktothetablearea,hehasthetrayinthemiddleofthetableandhe’ssettingtheutensilsontheplacemats.ThesunwentdownalotfasterthanIthoughtitwouldandthelittlefairylightsthatIhavewrappingaroundthetreesarestartingtoturnon.Itgivesitawhimsicalglow.I’mnotgoingtolie,butlyinginthehammockwiththelightsonandlisteningtosoundsofnatureisrelaxing.
“Thissmellsamazing,”hesays,andIlookoverathimasIpourhimanotherglassofwineandthenfillmyownglassabitmorethanIshould.
“Yousoundbothshockedandamazedbythis.”ItrynottolaughasIsitdowninfrontofhim.
“That’sbecauseIam.”Hedoesn’tlietome,whichIguessIshouldgivehimpropsfor.
“Well,Icanuseanovenlikenooneelsecan,”Ijokewithhimandcutthepieinfourths.“It’shardtofuckupwhenallyouhavetodoissetthetemperatureandputonatimer.”
Iholdoutmyhandforhisplateandhehandsittome,ourfingersgraze.“Didn’tyouburnapizzapocket?”
IglareathimasIputabigpieceonhisplate.“ThatwasinthemicrowaveandIpressedanextrazerobyaccident.”
HelaughsasIhandhimhisplate.“Didn’tyouhavetobuyanewone?”
“No,”Isay,puttingmyownpieceonmyplateandsittingdown.“IjustchosetobecauseIcouldn’tscrapeoutthecheeseanditsmelledbad.”Irollmyeyes.“Ican’tbelieveitexploded,”Isay,laughingatmyself.“Whowouldhavethought.”
“Itwasamassacre,”headdsinandwaitsformetopickupmyforkbeforehepicksuphisown.
MystomachissotwistedinknotsIbarelyeatanything,andwhenhegrabshisglassofwineandleansbackinhischair,IaskhimwhatI’vebeendyingtoaskhimeversinceIsawhimstandinginmywaitingroom.“Travis.”Isayhisname,grabbingmyownwineandtakeashotforliquidcourage.
“Harlow.”HesaysmynameandIignorethesmirkonhisface.IfIwasn’tsonervous,Iwouldlaughathowcrazythiswholethingis.IfIwasn’tsonervous,Iwouldmakeajokeaboutit.IfIwasn’tsonervousaboutallofthis,Iwouldn’tbeabletoaskhimtheloadedquestions.Butheishereandit’sbeenfouryears;ifIgetanythingoutofthis,itwillbethequestionsansweredI’veaskedhiminmyheadthelastfouryears.
“Whyareyoureallyhere?”Iaskhim.Myheartisstartingtopickupitspaceandthebackofmynecksuddenlyfeelslikeit’sonfire.
MyeyesneverleavehisasIwaitforhimtoanswertheloadedquestionIjustaskedhim.“Imissedyou,”hesays,andIdon’tknowifit’sthenervesorthewineorabitofbothbutIlaugh.
“Youweregettingmarriedlastweek,”Isay,thewordstastinglikebileinmymouth.“Andyoumissedme?”IshakemyheadandlaughbitterlyasItakeanothersipofwine.“Youbrokeupwithme.”Fuck,Iwanttokickmyselfformakingitsoundlikeitstillbothersme.
“Ibrokeupwithyou,”hesays,puttinghisglassofwinebackdownonthetable.Thenleansbackagaininthechair,foldinghishandsinfrontofhim,lookingcalm,cool,andcollected.Irritatingmeevenmore,becausehelookssofuckinggooddoingit.“BecauseIwasanidiot.”
MymouthgetsdryallofasuddenandallIcansayis,“Keepgoing.”Tryingtogetmyhearttocalmthefuckdown.
“IbrokeupwithyoubecauseIknewIcouldn’tdothelong-distancerelationship.”Hiseyesneverleavemine.
“Whosaidyouhadtodothat?”Ileanforward,puttingmyglassonthetable.“Whotoldyouthatwehadtobeinalong-distancerelationship?”Ithrowupmyhandsasheopenshismouthtosaysomething,butIcuthimoff.“Youdidn’tevenaskme.Youneverhadaconversationwithme.”Thehurtfromfouryearsagoisnowsuddenlyfrontandcenter.
“Butyourfamilyishere,”hesayssoftly,andIhavetowonderifheisfeelinglikehe,too,isbacktothatmomentfouryearsago.“Andyouhadeverythingmappedoutforyou.”
“Planschange,”Ifinallysaytohim.“Thingschange.Youdidn’tevensitdownandtalktomeaboutit.”Itrynottocry,ItrytofightawaythetearsashardasIcan.Ishakemyhead,angrythatit’sstillgettingtomeandknowingthatwhateverhappensfromhere,Ihavetoknowwhatthefuckhewasthinkingfouryearsago.“Howcouldyoujust
“Ididn’twanttomakeyouchoose,”hesays,lookingdown.
“Again”—myvoicerisesjustabit—”youneverevenfuckingasked.Like,howcouldyoujustdothat?Isatdownthatdaytryingtowrapmyheadaroundwhatthehellyoudid.”Ifinallyadmittohim.“Youtossedawayourrelationshiplikeitwasnothing.”
“Inevereverwantedtotossyouaway,”hefinallysnaps.“YouthinkitwaseasyformetodowhatIdid?”Hepointsatmychest.“Youthinkwalkingawayfromyouwaseasyforme?”Heisn’ttheonegivingmeachancetospeak.“Doyouthinkanyofthatwaseasyforme?Iwalkedaroundinadazeforyears,”hesays.“Notsingulareither.”Andmaybeit’sjustthepettinessinmeormaybeit’sthefactthatI’mstillbitter,butIrollmyeyes.“Youhadaplansetinplace.”Hisvoicefinallygoesdownatouch.“Younevereverwaveredonthatplan.WhatkindofanassholewasIgoingtobeifIjusterasedallyourdreams?”
“Ireallywanttoknowwhoyouhadaconversationwithregardingmeandmydreams.”Ialmostsmackmyhandonthetable,thesadnessdefinitelyreplacedbyanger.“Iwouldlovetoknowwherethisconversationtookplace.”It’shisturntorollhiseyes.“Imean,attheveryleast,Ishouldhavebeenincludedinthosediscussionssinceithadtodowithmyfutureandmylife.Don’tyouthink?”
“Icouldn’tdothattoyou.”Hisvoiceisalmostinawhisper.“Thethoughtofmakingyouchoosemeoryourfamily,Ijustcouldn’tputyouinthatposition.”Heshakeshishead.“Haveyoupickmeoryourfamily;howwouldyoubeabletodothat?”Icanseehowtornupheisaboutitevenafteralltheseyears.“Whatifyoupickedmeandregretted
“IlovedyouwitheverythingthatIhad.”Iputmyhandtothemiddleofmychestwherethepainisstartingtoform.“Andyoujustthrewitaway.”
“Ididn’tthrowitaway.”Heshakeshishead.“Iletyougosoyoucoulddothis.”Heraiseshishandstowardthebackyard.“Soyoucouldbuildthepracticethatyoualwaysthoughtyouwouldhave.Isacrificedmyselfforyou.”Iseehimblinkingawayhisowntears.“ThatwasthesinglehardestthingIeverhadtogothrough.”IseehisAdam’sapplemoveupanddownwhenheswallows.“Evenharderthanwhenmyfatherdied.”HisvoicecracksandIgaspinshock.NeveroncedidIthinkthathehurtasmuchasme,ormaybeIjustdidn’twanttothinkaboutit.MaybeIwantedhimtohurtforhurtingme,butInevereverthoughtitwouldbeasbadforhimasitwasforme.Becausehewastheonewholetmego.“WhatifIhadaskedyoutocomewithme?”HelooksatmeandIseethepaininhiseyes.“Wouldyouhavecomewithme?”
“It’stoolateforthat,”Ianswerhonestly,notwillingtogobacktothattime.NotwantingtogobacktothesamequestionIaskedmyselfoverandoveragain.“It’stoolateforthat,”Irepeatagain,shakingmyhead.Chapter19
Travis
“WhatifIhadaskedyoutocomewithme?”Ilookatherandthepainfromlettingherwalkawayfrommefouryearsagoleaksoutintomysoul.ThewoundthatIthoughtfadedandleftascarisnowbleedingout.“Wouldyouhavecomewithme?”IaskherthewordsthatIshouldhaveaskedherfouryearsago.Thequestionthatcouldhavechangedbothofourlives.
“It’stoolateforthat,”sheanswers,shakingherhead.“It’stoolateforthat,”sherepeatsthewordsagain.
“It’snevertoolate.”IhatethatI’msittinginfrontofherandnotnexttoherwhereIcantouchher.Ihatethatwearehavingthisconversationoveradinnertableandnotwithherinmyarms.“WhatifItoldyouthatInevershouldhaveletyougo?”Iseeherbottomliptremble.“NotthispastSundayandnotfouryearsago.”
“Travis.”ShesaysmynameandI’mnotsureifit’sapleaoraquestion.
“Lettingyouwalkoutofmylifeisthebiggestregretofmywholelife.”Afterfouryears,shedeservestohaveitall.Webothdo.“Handsdown,theworstdayofmylife.Handsdown,theworstdecisionIevermade.Handsdown,thebiggestregretI’vehad.”
“Youweregoingtogetmarried,”shesays,hervoiceinalmostawhisper.“Youwereliterallyatthealtargettingreadytogetmarried.”
“Yet,hereIam,”Isay.“Sittingatatablewithyou.WhereI’mmeanttobe.DoyouthinkIwouldbehereifIwasn’tmeanttobehere?”
“Ihavenoidea.”Sheshrugs.
“Youwalkingintothechurchwasasign.IknewthatIdidn’tloveher.Atleast,notthewayIshould.Notthewaysomeoneshouldwhentheyaregoingtobemarried.DoIloveJennifer?She’sagreatperson.”Iswallowthelumpinmythroat.“ButwhatIfeltforyou.”Ishakemyheadtocorrectmyself.“WhatIfeelforyou,it’ssomuchfuckingmore.”
“Howcanyousaythat?”sheasksandIcanseethestrugglesheisgoingthroughandIhatethatwearedoingthis.
“BecauseIcan,”Ifinallysay.“Becauseit’sthetruth.Becauseafterfourfuckingyears,it’stimetogetitalloutthere.”Thenervesrunthroughme.“Fouryearsago,Iletyougowithouttalkingtoyou.Iwaswrong,”Iadmit.“Fouryearsago,lettingyougoshatteredme.Literally.”Thelumpinmythroatformsintothesizeofagolfball.“IGroundhogDay,exceptitwasmylife.”IfIgiveheranything,itwillbethewholepicture,thegood,thebad,theugly.“Fortwoyears,noonecouldsayyournamearoundme.”Ilookdownatmyhandsandtheynervouslytapthetableasatearslipsout.“Icouldn’teventhinkofyouwithouthavingthiscrushingpaininmychest.Itwashardtobreathe,andthenImetJenniferandshewasnice.IknewthatwhatIfeltforherwasn’tlovebecauseitwasnothing,andImeannothing,likewhatIfeltforyou.IfiguredthatwhatyouandIhadwassomethingthatyouwillnevergetagain.”Ismilesadly.“SoIsettledonjustfeelingcontent.Itoldmyselfitdidn’tmatterthatmyheartdidn’tspeedupwhenshecalledmyname.Itoldmyselfthatitdidn’tmatterthatwewouldgosometimesweekswithoutseeingeachother.ItoldmyselfitwasfinethatIwasn’tattachedtoher.ItoldmyselfallthesethingsbecauseIknewdeepinsideme,youweretheonlyoneIwouldeverfeelthatwithandIhadlostyou.”Iwipethetearthatiscoming,thepoundingofmyheartinmychestisechoing.“Iremembermyfatheroncetellingmeastoryabouthowheknewmymotherwastheone.Howhewouldgetantsyifmymotherwasn’taround.Howjustherbeingintheroomwouldmakehimfeelokay.Howwithjustonelittletouchfromherandhewouldsettle.Iknewthatwaswhatyoushouldfeel.IknewthatbecauseIfeltitwithyou.”Iswallowtheguilt.“ButthenIfeltnoneofthatandIthoughtitwasbecauseyouonlygetoneloveyourwholelife,andIknewyouwereit.”NowthatI’msittingherelookingather,talkingtoher,touchingher,Iknowthatthereisgoingtobenooneelseforme.Thatsheisit.Shewasalwaysmeantforme.Wewerealwaysmeantforeachother.
“Travis.”ShesaysmynameandIlookather,seeingtearsrunningdownherface.“Thisis.”Sheshakesherhead.“It’sjusttoomuch.”
Ishakemyheadandpushmychairawayfromthetable,gettingupandgoingtoher.Iturnherchairtofacemewithherstillseatedinit.Shebendsherhead,notshowingmethetears,andIsquatdowninfrontofher.“Harlow.”Isayhernameasherhandcomesouttowipeawaythetearthatisescapingoutofthecornerofhereye.Iputmyfingerunderherchinandraisehereyestolookatme.“Thisiseverything.”Irubmythumboverhercheek,wipingthetearthatisrollingdownhercheek.“Seeingyouagain,itjust.”Istopspeakingbecausethelumpissobig.“Itmademeseethatthereisn’tanyoneoutthereformebutyou.”
“Travis.”Herlowerliptrembles.
“I’mnotlettingyougothistime.”Ipullhertomeandkissherlips.Itastehertearsonherlips.
Herhandcomesuptoholdmyface.“Idon’tknowwhattherightthingtodois,”shesays,lookingintomyeyeswhilesherubsherthumbbackandforthovermyfiveo’clockshadow.“YouhurtmelikeI’veneverthoughtIcouldhurt,”shetellsme,andIknowthathearingthisisgoingtokillme,buttogettothefuture,wehavetotalkaboutthepast.“Youmakingthatdecisionthatchangedbothourliveswithoutsomuchastalkingtome.Ijustdon’tknow.”
“TherearenowordsthatIcansaythatwillmakewhatIdidokay,”Iadmit.“None.IwouldsayI’msorrybutthatisn’tevencloseenough.”Ileaninandrubmynoseagainsthers.“ButI’mgoingtodietrying,”isthelastthingIsaybeforesheleansinandkissesmylips.SheslideshertongueintomymouthandIknowwithoutashadowofadoubtthatshewasmadeforme.Itiltmyheadtothesideandtakethekissdeeper,herlegsopeningupsoIcangetinthemiddleofthem.Shescootstothefrontofthechair,andwhenIwrapmyarmaroundherwaistandstandup,shewrapsherlegsaroundmywaist.
Iturntowalkintothehouseandsheletsmylipsgoassheburiesherfaceinmyneckandlaysherheadonmyshoulder.“Iloveyou,”IsaywhenIstepintothehouseandIlookdownather.
“Bythere.”Shepointsatthehallwayoffthesideofthekitchen,awayfromthelivingroom,andIwalkintoherbedroom.HerbedisalreadyundonewhenIwalkintotheroomandsitonthebenchthatisrightinfrontofherbed.Sheunburiesherfacefrommyneck.“Kissme,”shesaysandIgroanoutbeforemyhandsgotothebackofherneck,roamingupandgettinglostinherhair,pullingherheadback,andleaningforwardtokissherneck.“Nohickies,”shesays.“Ihadtowearaturtleneckforthelastweek.”
“Butyourskin.”Inipatit.“It’ssoclean.”
“It’sthemonthofMayintheSouth.”Shepushesuphershouldertostopmefrommarkingher.“Youcangivethemtomeanywhereyouwant,”shesays.“Justnotmyneck.”
“Anywhere?”Iaskher,thinkingofalltheplacesthatI’mgoingtomarkher.
Shepullshertanktopoverherheadandtossesittotheside.“Anywhere.”Shestandsinfrontofmewithhertitsondisplayforme.Ican’thelpbutgroanasmyhandscomeoutandtakeoneineachhand.
“Defineanywhere?”Iask,bendingandtakinganippleinmymouth,biting,andthensuckingrightnexttoit.Herwhiteskinisturningatouchred.“Whatabouthere?”Iaskher,goingtotheothernippleandrepeatingthesamething.
“That’sokay,”shemurmursandherheadfallsback,givingmecompleteaccess
“Yes,”shepantsasImakeanothermarkonherandIgetup,turningherandsettingherdownonthebenchwhereIjuststoodfrom.Igetonmykneesinthemiddleofherlegs.“Tellme.”Sheputsherhandstothesidesofherhips.Myhandmovesontopofhers,“Lift,”Isay.SheliftsupandIslipherpantsandpantiesoffherandshesitsinfrontofmenakedwhileItossherpantsrightontopofhershirt.Sheleansbackonthebedandstretchesherlegsopenforme.Thelittlelandingstripcallingmyname,Ileandowntokissherinnerthigh.“Whatabouthere?”Ibiteandthensuckin.“Isthisokay?”AllshedoesiswatchasImovetoherotherthighandleaveanothermark.“Andwhatabouthere?”Ileaninandlickherslit,mytongueslippingintoherandthengoingtoflickherclit.“CanIdoithere?”Isuckherclitintomymouth.
“Whyisitlikethis?”shepantsasIputeachlegovermyshoulder.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iaskherbetweenlicks,asshetiltsherhipsandleansbackonherelbowsonthebed.
“Whyisbeingwithyousogood?”shesays,lookingdownatmeandItakeonemorelickbeforeIanswerher.
“Becauseyouweremadeforme.”Chapter20
Harlow
IsmellthecoffeerightbeforemyeyesflutteropenandIseethesuncomingintotheroom.Istretchmyhandsovermyheadandgroanout,mymusclestightfromalltheexerciseIdidlastnight,andthenagainthismorning.ThereissexandthenthereissexwithTravis,andnomatterhowmuchItrytodenyit,everythingwithhimisbetter.AndImeaneverything.Ilookovertowardtheclockandseethatit’sjustalittlepastten.Iturntomysideandreachouttofindthespotnexttomewarmbutempty.Igetuponmyelbow.“Travis?”Isayhisnameandhearmovementcomingfromthekitchen.
Ilaymyheadbackdownonthepillowandcuddleintothebed,closingmyeyesagain.“Morning,”Ihearhimsayandopenmyeyesagain,seeinghimstandingbymybedwearinghiswhiteboxersandholdingtwocupsofcoffeeinhishands
“Goodmorning.”Ismileandgetup,holdingthesheettomynakedchest.HehandsmeacupofcoffeeandIgrabitwithmyemptyhand.Heputshiskneeontothebedandthenleansintokissmylips.
“DidIwakeyou?”heasks,gettingintothebedbesideme.
“Thesmellofcoffeedid,”Isay,takingasipofthehotcoffee.SittingwithmybacktotheheadboardIlookoverathim.“Howdidyousleep?”
Hesitswithhisbacktowardtheheadboardalsoandtakeshisownsipofhiscoffee.“Great.”Hesmirks.“EspeciallywhenIfallasleepandthenwakeupwithmydickinyourmouth.”
Ichuckleandshrug.“Youwerepokingmeintheasswithit.WhatwasIsupposedtodo?”Ilookoverathimandleanovertokisshisshoulder.“Besides,Ididn’thearyoucomplain.”
“Ifmycockisgoingtobeinyourmouth.”Hestaresatmewithasmirk.“Youwillneverhearmecomplain.”Ilaughandtrytopushdownthefeelingthatiscreepingupinmychest.Iknowexactlywhatitis;it’sfuckinghappiness.It’ssomethingIhaven’tfeltfullyforfouryears.It’ssomethingIneverthoughtIwouldfeelagain.It’ssomethingthatI’malmostafraidoffeeling.“Sowhatdoyouusuallydoontheweekend?”heasksme.
“Work.”Iputmyhotcupofcoffeedownonthesidetableandgetup.
“Whereareyougoing?”heasks,sittingup.
“Tothebathroom,”Isay,walkingacrosstheroomandfeelinghiseyesonme.Idon’tbotherclosingthedoorbehindmebecausehe’sseeneverythingalready.“Holyshit,”Isay,walkingoverthewettowelsonthefloorandthenseeingthebathtubstillfull.Ileanoveranddrainthetub.“Ididn’tthinkitwasthismuchwater.”IlaughwhenIrememberridinghimsohardthatIheardthewatersplashingbutdidn’tpayattentiontoitatthetime.Hewasalsothefirstoneoutofthetub,sohecleanedmostofitup.“I’mgoingtomakeanotenottofillitupsomuchthenexttime.”
“Thatwouldhelp,”hesaysfromthebedroomandthenIhearthesheetrustleandhisfeetwalkingtowardthebathroom.“Wantmetoputthetowelsinthewash?”heasks,leaningagainstthedoorjamb.Hisboxersshowtheoutlineofhiscockandmybodytingles.
“Stoptalkingdirtytome.”Iwinkathim,walkingtothesinkandlookingintothefull-lengthmirror.“Whatinthehell?”Isay,walkingevencloserwhenIseetheredspotsalloverme.It’samixtureofhickeysandalsobeardburn.“IlooklikeIgotattackedbyaswarmofbees.”
Hejustlaughs.“Youalsohaveacoupleonyourass.”HepointsatmeandIturnaroundtoseethatIhaveoneoneachasscheek.Ilookovermyshoulderoneachsideandthenglareathim.“YousaidIcoulddoitanywherebutyourneck.”
“Youtookthatreallyliterally.”Ilaugh.Walkingtohimandstandinginfrontofhim,Igetonmytippy-toesandkisshimunderhischin.Oneofhishandsgoestomyhipashepullsmetohim.“Weneedtoeat,”Imumble,notmovingoutofhisgraspasIrubmynoseacrosshisjawline.“Areyouhungry?”
“I’mfamished.”HepicksmeupandbeforeIknowithismouthisbetweenmylegs.
“Whereareyougoing?”Iliftmyheadafterhegetsoutofbedanhourlater.
“I’mgoingtocookusbreakfast,”hesays,puttinghisboxersbackon.“Yougetdressed.”Ismirkathim.“Youbeingnakedgotussidetrackedagain.”
“Doesmynakednessoffendyou?”Ipokeoutmytits.
HegroansandwalksawayandIcanseehimadjustinghimself.“Justcoveryourladyparts,”hesaysoverhisshoulderandIcan’thelpbutlaugh.Igetoutofbed,puttingonshortsandatanktopbutnobraorpanties.Fixingthebed,Iwalkintothekitchenandseethathe’salreadygotbaconinthepanandisscramblingeggs.
“Itsmellsgoodinhere,”IsaywhenIgetbesidehimandIkisshisback.“Letmemakeyoucoffee.”Sidebyside,wegetreadytoeat.Hetakesouttwoplates,fillingthemwitheggs,bacon,andslicedtoast.
“Icouldgetusedtothis,”Iadmit,sittingnexttohimatthesmallkitchentableIhave.Ismirkathimandeatmyeggs.Isitandtrynottothinkthathe’sgoingtoleaveeventuallyandthenwhat?Ilookatmyplateandtrytoavoidhiseyes.
“Whatdoyouwanttodotonight?”heasksandIshrug.MyfingersstarttotapthetabletopasIthinkaboutwhatIwassupposedtodotonight.
“I’msupposedtomeetupwithmycousinsatthebartonight,”Isay,lookingoverathim.“Butwedon’thaveto.”
“Mightaswellgetitoverwith,”hesays,gettingupwithhisemptyplate.Heputshisplateinthedishwasher.“Ihavetogoandgetmythingsatthehotel.”
Ishakemyhead.“Youreallyrentedaroom?”Iask,semi-shocked.“Ithoughtyouwerepretending.”
“Yeah,”hesays,laughing.“Ididn’tknowwhatyourreactionwouldbewhenIgothereandIdidn’twanttoassumeIwouldbespendingthenightso…”
Ishakemyhead.“Whydon’twegetdressedandgopickupyourthings,havesex,andthencomebackhere?”Helooksatme.“It’sahotelroom;it’slikesacriligiousthatyoudon’thavesexinthebed.”
Hejustshakeshishead.“Whateveryouwant.”Hekissesmyshoulderandwegetdressed.Wegotohishotelroom,wherewedoinfacthavesexonthebed.
“Areyounervous?”Ilookoverathimfrommysideofhiscarandhejustshrugs.MystomachfeelslikeI’vebeenonarollercoastergoingaroundandaround.
“Imean,thegoodnewsisthatifIgetshot,youcanhelptakethebulletout.Thebadnewsistheymightshootmeinthedick,”hesays,takingmyhandinhisandbringingittohislips.
“Well,ifit’sanyconsolation.”Iturnintheseatwhenheputsthecarinpark.“Theypromisedtobeontheirbestbehavior.”
“Oh,goodie,”hesayssarcasticallywhenheturnsoffthecarandgetsout.Heopensmydoorformeandholdsouthishandformetograb.“Youlookgood.”Hesmirks,pullingmeclosetohim.Ispentwaytoolongpickingoutthisoutfitofwhitejeansandababy-bluesilktanktopwithspaghettistrapsthatcriss-crossintheback.Ievenputonblueheels,whichIneverdobecauseIalwaysgoforcomfort,butsomethingaboutgoingoutwithhimtonightmademewanttodressup.Heslipshishandintomineaswemakeourwayovertothebar.Thesoundofmusicfillstheparkinglot,andthecloserweget,themoremystomachaches.“Herewego,”hesayswhenwegettothedoorandIpullhimtomebeforehehasachancetograbthedoorhandle.
“Ifyouwanttoleave,allyouhavetodoissaytheword,”IsaysoheknowsthatI’monhisside.
“Ifyoucouldshowupatmywedding.”Hesmirks.“I’mprettysureI’llbeokaywithyourbrothersandcousins.”Hekissesmeandpullsopenthedoor.
“Yeah,butIdidn’tdumpyou,”Isayrightbeforehestepsinsideandstops.
“Thisisbigger,”hesays,lookingaround,andInodmyheadathim.EversinceAmeliatookthisplaceoverfrommyauntSavannah,she’sexpandeditfourtimes.ItistheitplacetobeonaSaturdaynight.
IwalkwithTravis’shandinmineaswemakeourwayovertothebarintheback.It’sthebarmyfamilysitsatwhenwearehere,andIknowrightawaythattheyspotteduswhenIseemybrothers,ReedandQuinn,sharealook.“Hey,”IsaywhenIgetcloseenough.Mysister-in-law,Willow,turnsherheadfirsttosayhi,andhereyeswidenwhensheseesTravisbehindme.SheleansovertowhispersomethinginQuinn’searandifIknowherright,sheprobablytoldhimtocalmdown.
“Well,well,”Hazelsayswhensheseesme.“Lookwhatthecatdraggedin.”
IthrowmyheadbackandlaughandIseeHazel’shandgotoReed’skneetokeephiminhisplace.“Guys,”Isay,takingadeepbreath.“YourememberTravis,”Iintroduce,asiftheycouldfuckingforgethim.
Henodsatthem.“Nicetoseeyouguysagain,”hesaysdiplomatically.
“Where’syourwife?”Reedasks,withoutskippingabeat,lookingstraightatTravis.
“Rightnexttome,”Travissays,withoutthinkingtwice,makingeveryonestoptalking.“Imeaneventually,thatis.”
Willowlaughs.“Shit,youshouldhaveseenthelookonyourface.”ShepointsatQuinn,whojustglaresather.
“Listen,”Isayandtheyalllookatme.“Wemightaswellgetthisoverwith.Idon’twanttohearanyone’sbullshit.It’stwofriendsthathave…”Ithinkoftheword.
“Rekindled,”Hazelsaysforme.
“Yes.”Ipointather.
“Twofriendsthatrekindledtheirfriendship.”IlookupatTravis,whostaresatme.
“So,friendsthatdobenefits,”Willowsays.“Ineverhadthat.”Quinnturnstolookatherandshakeshishead.
“Nevergoingtohavethateither,”hemumbles,andAmeliacomestomewithaglassformeandbeerforTravis.
“Nicetoseeyou,”shesays,handinghimhisbeerashenodsather.“Ifyoufuckup,I’mgoingtoletthemshootyou.”
“Goodtoknow,”hesays,takingapullofhisbeer,andIcan’timaginewhatitmustbelikeforhim.Imean,Iwenttohiswedding,butIwasn’ttheonewhodumpedhim.Idon’teventhinkIwouldhavehadtheballstogoiftheroleswerereversed.
“Okay,arewedone?”Iask,takingasipofspikedsweettea,thenlookingupatTravisandsmiling.Heletsgoofmyhandandputsitaroundmyshoulders,pullingmetohimandkissingmyhead.
“Allgood,baby,”hesayssoftly,andI’mabouttosaysomethingwhenIhear:“Whatthefuckisthis?”mycousin,Chelsea,saysfrombehindme,andIturntoseeherstandingtherewithherhandonherhip.
“Okay,maybeIshouldhavewarnedthemthatyouwerehere,”Imumble,andhejustshrugs,notcaring.
“Didn’tyougotohisweddinglastweek?”sheasks,shocked,asshelooksfrommetoTravis.
“Therewasnowedding,”Travisreports.
“OhmyGod,”Mayson,herhusband,saysfrombehindher.“Itoldyougoingtothatweddingwasbadluck.”
Iputupmyhand.“Okay,one.”Closingmyhandandputtingupafinger.“Ididn’thaveanythingtodowiththeweddingnottakingplace.”Ilookatallofthem.“Andtwo,I’mnotbadluck.”
“Youaren’tbadluck.”Travisbendstotellmeinmyear.“Youarethebestluck.”
“Ijustthrewupalittle,”Quinnsays,puttingahandinfrontofmymouth.“Goodtoknowyou’restillalovesickpuppy.”
“Eww,”Reedsays.“Rememberwhenhesentherflowerseverysingledayofwinterbreakwithpoems?”
“Itwasn’tpoems,”Travissays,defendinghimself.“Itwaslinesfromherfavoriteromancebooks.”
“Thatmakesitevenworse,”Quinnsays,andWillowshakesherhead.
“What?Like,youwouldn’tsendmeflowers?”sheasksQuinn,whoside-eyesher,bringinghisbeertohismouth.
“Hewouldn’tbringyouflowers,”Isay.“Hewouldplantyouawholefuckingfieldfullofthem.”
“Gross,”Reedsaysandthathasallofusrollingourlips.
“Didn’tyouleavearoseinhercarfortwoyearswhenyougotbacktogether?”Quinnpointsathim.“AndyoukeptdoingthosestupidFacebookpostsaboutloveandher.I’msurprisedtheydidn’tblockyouwithallthetimesIhadyoureported.”WealllaughandTraviswalksovertositonastoolandmotionswithhisheadtocometohim.
IwalktohimwhileMaysonsitsnexttohimonthestool.“So,besidesnotgettingmarried,whatelsehaveyoubeenupto?”hesays,andwealllaughasTravisopenshislegsformetostepbetween.Hishandgoestomyhipanditfeelslikeoldtimes;theguysjokingwitheachotherwhilethegirlsjustgab.
TravisbendsandkissesmyshoulderandIlookathimfromtheside.“Youokay?”Iask,puttingmyhandonhischeek.
“Neverbetter,”hesayswithasmileandIleantohimandkisshim.“Neverbetter.”Ismileathimbuttherealityofitisthateventuallyhe’sgoingtoleaveandwearegoingtobebacktosquareone.Itakeasipofsweetteawhilemyheadyellsatmethatit’llbefine,yetmyheartstopsfeelingthefullnessthatitfeltallday.Chapter21
Travis
“I’llbeback.”Ismileatherandcantellsomethingiswrong.ShetriestoavoidlookingatmeandIwanttodragheroutofthebarandaskher.Butinstead,Isitdownandtrytogetherfamilytolikemeagain.Imean,Idon’tknowifit’sgoingtohelp.Ialsodon’tknowiftheywilleverforgivemeforwhatIdidtoher,butthattheydidn’ttakemeoutinthebackandbeattheshitoutofmeisastart.
IbringthebeertomylipsasIlookoverandseehercomingbackfromthebathroom.ShesmilesandlaughsatsomethingthatAmeliajustsaidwhenaguystepsinfrontofher.Myinsidesburntheminuteheleansdownandkissesheronhercheek.Shesmilesathimastheyjoke,myhandsqueezingthebottleinmyhandharderandharder.ShenodsherheadathimandstepsawayandIwatchhimwatchher.Thenervesfillmybody,andwhenshegetsbacktome,shesmiles.“Friendofyours?”Imotionwithmyheadtowardtheguy,knowingthatit’sfuckingdumb.
“Idon’tthinkyoucancallitthat,”shesays,grabbingherdrink.“Acquaintancesisabetterwordforit.”Shetakesasip.“Don’tforgetyouwerewithsomeone.”
“Ididn’texpectyoutowaitforme,”Ianswerherhonestlyandit’sthetruth,buttoseeinfrontofmethatshehadawholelife,it’sgoingtostingandI’mgoingtohavetolivewithit.“Givemeakiss,”Isayandshelaughs
“SoeveryonecanknowI’moff-limits?”Sheshakesherheadandleansintokissme.“Doesthatmakeyoufeelbetter?”sheasks,andIlookupattheguytoseethathewaswatchingher.
“Littlebit,”Isay,kissingheragain.“Littlebit.”
Sheputsherdrinkdownandstepsbetweenmylegs.“Ifyouwant.”Shewrapsherarmsaroundmyneck.Myhandisgrippingherhipandpullingherevenclosertome.“WecanleavehereandIcanshowyouallthewaysthatI’vemissedyou.”
“Wearerighthere,”Reedsaysnexttome.“Like,wecanhearyou.”Hisfacegrimaces.
Igetup.“Thishasbeenfunbut,”Isay,puttingmyhandaroundhershoulder.“Shelookstired.”
“Imean,ifsheisgoingtolookastiredasshedidlastMonday,youhavealotofworkyouhavetodo,”Hazelsays,snickering.“Shewasexhausted.”
Willowgasps.“Isthatwhyyoucouldn’twalkproperly?”
“Goodnight,everyone.”Harlowliftsherhandandslipsitintomine.“It’sbeenfun.”Shepullsmeawayfromthegroup.
WestepoutintothedarknessandIlookupatthestarsinthesky.“Youknowwhatwe’veneverdone?”ShelooksatmeandIjustwatchher.“We’veneverhadsexinahammock.”
“Thereisareasonforthat,”Isay.“Andithastodowithbreakingmydick.”
“Ugh,fine,”shesays.“Definitelydon’twanttobreakthat.”ShesmilesatmeandIcan’thelpbutbenddownandkissher.MytongueslidesintohermouthasItastethesweetnessfromthetea.“Youkeepkissingmelikethisandwearehavingsexinthebackseat.”
“I’mgoingtohavetotakearaincheckonthat.”Iopenthedoorforher.“Yourbrothersdidn’tshootme,butchancesareiftheyfindyouridingmeinthebackseatofmycarinaparkinglot.”Ilookaround.“Fuck,I’dshootmyselfinthefoot.”Myhandgoestoherhipandthenmovesunderhersilkyshirt,findingherlacebra.“Nexttime,wearadressandI’llfinger-fuckyouallthewayhome.”
Ipinchhernippleandshegroansandarchesherback.“Icantakeoffoneleg.”
Ishakemyheadandthewholeridebacktoherhouseshe’slikeanoctopus,withherhandseverywhere.Sheisleaningoverkissingmyneck,whileherhandgropesmycock,andfinallywhenIpullintothedriveway,sheunbucklesherseatbeltandhasmycockoutandhermouthisswallowingme.Istopthecarasshegetsonherkneesinthepassengerseat.Myhandreachesouttorubherpussyoutsideofherjeans.ShemoanswithmydickinhermouthandthenIslidemyhandupandintoherjeans.Herstomachisshiveringwhenmyhandgetsbetweenitandthelacethongsheiswearing.MyfingerslidesrightintoherandIslipanotheronein.MythumbsqueezesherclitasImovemyhand.WithherjeanssotightI’mrestricted,butitdoesn’tstopherfromcomingallovermyfingers.Sheletsgoofmycock,sittingbackinthepassengerseat,andinablinkofaneyeshehasonepantlegoffandshemovesovermeandsinksdownonmycock.“Somuchbetter,”shesaysandmyhandsripthesilkcamioverherheadbutIdon’tshatterthelacethatiscoveringhertits.SheridesmycockasIworkhernipples,mymouthoveroneandmyhandontheother.Ipinchandpullonewhilebitingtheother.“Ineedyoudeeper,”shepants,fuckingmefasterandfaster,puttingherhandsonmyshouldersasshetriestogetdeeper.“Travis.”Shecriesmynameandthrowsherheadbackandarchesher
“Thatwas,”shesays,tryingtocatchherbreath.“Sofreakinggood.”
“Ineedaminute,”Isay,asherpussysqueezesmycockagain.“JustoneminuteandthenI’llcarryyouinside.”
“Doyouthink,”shesays,lookingatme,rotatingherhips,“youcancarrymeinsidewithyourcockinsideme?”Shemovesherhipsupanddown.
Myhandsgotoherhips,makingherstopmoving.“Youkeepmovinglikethat,I’mgoingtofuckyouonthehoodofthecar,”Ithreatenandshejustsmirks.“Fuck.”IgrabheraroundherwaistandpullherdownonmeasIopenthedoor,puttingonefootoutandthentheother.ShewrapsherlegsaroundmywaistandIwalktothefrontdoor,herhipsgoingaroundandaround.IopenthedoorandtheminuteI’minsideIplaceherassonthetableatthefrontdoor.“Holdon,”IwarnandherlegsgotothesidesasIfuckherhard.
“Yes,”shecriesoutasIslamintoheroverandover.“Rightthere,”shesays
Iknowshe’sclose,soIpullallthewayoutandslaminonce,thenpulloutagain,andshemoansthistime.Ipickherupandturnheraround.“Bendover,”Idemandandnotonlydoesshebendover,sheputsonekneeonthetabletogivemeevenbetteraccess.Ibendmykneesandslamintoher.Myhandsonherhipspickherupeverytimemycockslamsintoher.Thesoundoffleshslappingagainsteachother,alongwithhermoanseverysingletimeshecomesonmycock,drivesmecrazy.
“I’mgoingtocome,”shesaysoverhershoulder,andIfeelherhandsfrombetweenherlegsplayingwithmyballs.“Rightthere,”sheurgesandhereyesstarttoclose,herheadfallsforward,andshecomesonmycockagainbutthistimeIcomewithher.
“That,”shesays,lyingonthetableinfrontofher.“Hastobethebestsexwe’veeverhad.”
“Well,onlyonemorethingtodo,”Isay,slippingoutofher,andshelooksoveratmeasIslapherass.“Trytoupit.”
“Gottocatchmefirst.”Shewinksatmeandrunstoherbedroom.
“Twodaysinarow,”shetellsmewhenshesitsonthechairinfrontofme.“Idon’tknowwhatI’mgoingtodotomorrow.”Shetriestomakeajokeofit,butIcanseeitbothersherandshe’sbeenquieteversincethismorningwhenImentionedIwouldhavetoleavesoon.
Itakeourplatesfilledwithpancakesandsausageandsitdownnexttoher.“So,”shesayswhenIsitdown.“Arewegoingtotalkaboutwhathappenedlastnight?”
Ilookoverather,cuttingapieceofpancakeandeatingit.“Youhavetobeabitmorespecific,therewaslotsthathappened.”Iwinkather.“Someverygoodthingshappened.”
Shelaughs.“Well,let’sstartwithusnotusingcondoms.”Shepointsatmydickandmyeyeswiden.
IswallowdownmyfoodhopingthatIdon’tchoke.“Areyounoton?”Iaskher,knowingshewasalwaysonthepillwhenweweretogether.
“It’snotthatI’mworriedabout,”shesays,lookingup.“Areyou…”SheisthinkingofthewordandIfinallygetwhatshe’stryingtosay.
Igasp,lookingatherwithbigeyes.“I’veneverhadsexwithoutacondom,well,exceptwithyou.”Ishakemyheadandtakeanotherbiteofthepancake.
“Youwereengaged!”sheshrieksoutatmeandIlookoverather.
“I’llrepeatmyselfagain,”IsayasIslowlynod.“YouweretheonlyoneI’vehadunprotectedsexwith.”Itiltmyheadtotheside.“Areyou?”Iaskher,raisingmyeyebrows.
“Oh,don’tyouevendare,”shesaystomeandIholdupmyhand.
“Arewereallygoingtodothisrightnow?”Iaskher,knowingthatwehavetotalkaboutmeleaving,buthertryingtostartafightwithmerightwhenI’mleavingmustbehertryingtoproveitdoesn’tbotherher.
“Wearehavingaconversation.”SheglaresandIknowforafactthatsheistryingtofightwithme;thisisherbeingscared.“AreyougoingtoaskmeagainifIhadsexwithpeopleunprotected?”ShefoldsherarmsoverherchestandIlookather.
“What’swrong?”IaskherandIcanseehereyesshift.
“Whatdoyoumean?”sheasks,tryingtoactstupid,butshemusthaveforgottenhowwellIknowher.
“Imean,yesterdayatthebaryouwentoffinyourheadandavoidedmyeyes,”Iremindher,andIcanseeinhereyesthatsheissurprisedIcaughtit.Iputmyforkdownandturnonthechairtofaceher.“Whatisgoingon?”
Sheshakesherhead.“Whatisthis?”shefinallysays.“Like,whatarewedoing?”Iputmyheadtotheside.“Idon’tmeanthat;Imean,thisyou-and-mething.Like,isitafling?Isitfriendswithbenefits?Areweacquaintances?”
Iglareather.“Iknowwearedefinitelynotgoingtobeacquaintances.”
Shehuffs,throwingherhandsintheair.“I’mbeingserious,Travis.”
Ireachouttotouchher,pushingthehairawayfromherfaceandlookintoherbeautifuleyes.“Idon’thavetheanswers,”Ianswerherhonestly.
“Youdon’tdolong-distancerelationships,”sheremindsme,hervoicegoingsoft,andthereisthefearwrittenalloverherface.
“Isaidalotofthings.”Ipullthechairclosertome.
“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”sheasks.
“Itmeansthatwearegoingtodowhatweneedtodo.”Ismileshylyather.“Iwillcomehere,youcomethere.”Iswallowdownthelumpinmythroat.“I’mnotlosingyou,Harlow,”IconfirmtheonlythingI’msureof.“Whateverhappens,I’mnotfuckinglosingyouagain.”ShelooksupatmeandIcanseethetearsinhereyes.“TellmeyouunderstandwhatI’msaying.”Ileanoverandkissheronthelips.“I’mhereforthelonghaul.”Icuphercheekwithmyhand.“Whateveritis,wewillmakeitwork.”
Shenodsherheadatme,andwhenIgetupandgetmybagfromherroom,everythinginsidemehurts.AndImeaneverything;thereisatightnessinmychest.Mystomachisinknots,thebackofmyneckfeelslikeit’sonfire.Shewalksoutofthehousewithmeandstandsbesidethecar.Iputmybaginthebackseatandthenturntoher,pullingherintomyarms.Herarmsgoaroundmywaist.“I’llcallyouwhenIgethome.”Ibringhertomeandsherestsherheadonmyshoulder,myhandrubbingherback.“Andwe’llgetourcalendarsoutandstartlookingatdates.”ShenodsherheadandstepsbackandIcanseeherrollingherlipstryingtokeepstrong.Ileandownandkissheronelasttimebeforegettingintothecar.Shedoesn’tmovefromherspotbythecar,andwhenIdriveaway,IwatchtherearviewmirroruntilIcan’tseeheranymoreandIfinallyletthepaininmychestout.“Fuck,”IhissoutandIwanttopunchsomething.
MyphoneringsandIthinkit’sHarlowandIwanttoturnthecararoundandgobacktoher.Ilookatthecalldisplayandseeit’sBennett.“Hey,”Igreet,puttingitonBluetooth.
“Heyyourself.”Hisvoicefillsthecar.“I’matyourhouseandyouaren’there.”
“Yeah,”Isay,gettingonthehighway.“Iwentawaythisweekend.”
“Youwentaway?”heasks,shocked.“Like,onyourhoneymoonbyyourself?”
Ilaugh,imagininghisface.“No.IwenttoseeHarlow.”
Hewhistlesout.“Oh,snap.”Idon’tsayanything.“Areyousurethatwasagoodidea?”
“No,itfuckingsucks,”Iadmit.“ButIcan’tstayawayfromher.”Myhandsgripthesteeringwheelsohardmyknucklesarewhite.“IjustleftherhouseandallIcansayisitfuckingsucks.”
“Butyoubrokeupwithherforthisveryreason.Plus,nottobeaDebbieDownerandallthat,butyouwereengagedlessthanaweekago.”
Igroanout,“I’mgoingtohavetoadmitthatmarryingJenniferwouldhavebeenacolossalmistake.”Thebitternessstartstoforminmymouth.“Andit’ssafetosaywewouldhavedivorcedintheend.”
Heletsoutahugebreath.“Youdon’tknowthat.”
“Actually,”Iadmit.“Iknowthatforafact.Itwasn’tlove.Fuck,onelookatHarlowonmyweddingdayandIknewthatwhatIfeltforJenniferwasnothing.I’mnotproudofitandI’llnevertellanyonebutyouthat.But,man,withHarlowit’sthisoverwhelmingfeelingthatfillsmywholebody.Fuck,itfillsmysoul.Iwanttoholdher,touchher,listentohertalk.”Thechestthathadpressureonitjustacoupleofminutesagonowhasevenmorepressure.“Ijustwanther.”
“Well,thatisallgoodandeverything,butitdoesn’terasethefactthatshelivesinadifferentstate.AndI’mnottalkingatownover.”
“Trustme,Iknow,”Ihuffout.“It’sasixhourroadtrip.”
“Youdrove?”hegasps.“Whatiswrongwithyou?”
“Ihadtimetospare,”Ilietohimandhelaughs.
“No,youdidn’t.Youtookyourcarbecauseifshetoldyoutofuckoff,youcouldlickyourwoundsallbyyourselfforsixhours.”HelaughsandIhatethatheknowsmeaswellashedoes.
“Itwaseightwithtraffic,”Isay,andhejustlaughslouder.“I’mhangingup.”
“I’llcomeandseeyoutomorrow,”hesaysandIhangupthephone.Ispendsixhoursdrivingbacktomyhouse,andwhenIgetintothedriveway,it’snightout.
Igrabmybagandwalkupthesteps,thewholetimeImissHarlowlikeI’venevermissedherbefore.Everysinglestepfeelsheavierthanthelast,andwhenIunlockmydoorandstepinside,Istopinmytracks.Theboxesareallgone.Iputthebagdownandwalkintothekitchenandlookaroundtoseeitempty.Awhitepapersitsonthecounterwithmynameonthetop.
Isitonthestoolandreadit.
Travis,
Sorryweweren’ttherightpersonforeachother.
Allthebest,
Jennifer
Ishakemyheadandputthepaperdownandwaitforit.Iwaitforsomelittletwingeofregret.Iwaitforsomelittlepainthatsheisn’tinmylifeanymore.IwaitforanythingbutinsteadIgetnothing.
ItakemyphoneoutandcallHarlow,asmilefillsmyfaceknowingI’mgoingtohearhervoice,butinsteadofhersayinghello,itgoesstraighttovoicemail.
“Youbetternothaveblockedme,”Isayintothephonenervously,tryingtocalmmyselfdown.“Callmeback.”Chapter22
Harlow
IlistentothevoicemailandlaughwhenIhearhisvoice.“Youbetternothaveblockedme.”HelaughsnervouslyandIlookoverattheclock,seeingit’salittleafter1:00a.m.“Callmeback.”
Walkingintothehouse,Iheadstraighttothekitchenandwashmyhands.Grabbingabottleofwater,Isendhimatextinsteadofcallinghim.
Me:Sorry,hadanemergency.Justgothome,callyouinthemorning.
Iwalkbacktomyroomandstripoffmyclothes,turningonthewaterintheshower,Istepin.I’msofreakingtiredandmybackhurtsfrombendingoverforthelastfourhours.Closingmyeyes,Iputmyheadforwardforacoupleofminutes.I’mgrabbingatowelwhenmyphoneringsandIgroanoutloudthinkingit’sanotheremergency,butIsmilewhenIseethatit’sTravisandhe’sFaceTimingme.Ipressthegreenbuttonandwalktothebed,slidinginonhisside.Hisscentfillsmeallaroundandthelittlepanginmychestisjustenoughformetofeelit.
HisfacecomesontothescreenandIseethathe’sinbedandImisshim.“DidIwakeyou?”Iask,puttingmyheaddownonthepillow,wishinghewasherewithme.
“Ithoughtyoublockedmeagain,”hemumblesandIcan’thelpbutlaughathim.
“YouknowwhereIlive,”Iremindhim.“Sotherereallyisnouseinblockingyou.”Ilookathim.“Howwasthedrivehome?”
“Long,”hesays,andIseethathe’snotwearingashirt.“Wherewereyouallnight?”
“Acoyotegotthroughthefenceandacalfwasstuckfightinghimoff,”Isay,closingmyeyes.
“Howisthecalf?”heaskssoftly.
“Forty-sevenstitchesononeleg,”Isay.“AndlostachunkofhisshoulderbutIthinkhe’llbefine.”
“Ouch,”hesays,hissingout.
“Iwishyouwerehere,”Iadmittohim,eventhoughIsaidIwasn’tgoingto.Watchinghimdriveawayfrommewastorture.Ikeptrepeatingtomyselfoverandoveragain.It’sfine,I’llseehimsoon.Butitwasasifmyheartdidn’tbelievewhatmyheadwastellingit.
“Iwishyouwerehere,”hesaysandhiseyescloseabit.“Whenisyournextdayoff?”
“I’moncallthisweekend,”Isay.“IthinkIcanperhapsgetofftheweekafternext.”Hegroans.
“Whataboutyou?”Iaskandhegetsonhisstomach.
“I’moncallforthenexttwoweekends,”hehuffs.“That’sfourteendays.”
“Isthatwhattwoweeksmeansinthecity?”Ijokewithhimandhejustglaresatme.“I’mgoingtogointomorrowandcheck.”Myvoicegoessoft.“Doesthatmakeyoufeelbetter?”
“No,”hepouts.“Itwouldbebetterifyouwerehere.”
“Nowlet’ssayIwasthere,”Istart.“WhatwouldIbewearing?”IwigglemyeyebrowsandfortherestofthecallIshowhimmymagicwandthatIkeepbythebed.
ThealarmsoundssixhoursafterI’vefallenasleep,andIreachovertograbmyphonerightaway.IslidethephoneunderthecoverswithmeandslowlyopenmyeyeswhenIseethatIhaveabunchoftextmessageswaitingforme.
Travis:Goodmorning,beautiful.Itriedtogetcoffeedeliveredtoyoubutit’snotavailableinyourarea.
Ihavetolaughloudatthisoneandshakemyhead.“Oh,mycityboy,”Isay,turningontheothersideandreadingtheotherones.
Travis:Wakingupwithoutyouisnotthesame.
“Isn’tthatthetruth,”Imumble.
Travis:Imissyou.
Travis:Havethebestdayandcallortextmewhenyoucan.
Travis:P.S.You’rebeautiful.
Ismileandstarttypinghimaresponse
Me:Whatawaytowakeup.Imean,it’salmostmythirdfavoritewaytowakeup.I’llletyouguesswhatmynumberoneandnumbertwoare.
Imissyoumore.Thebedisn’tthesamewithoutyouholdingmyboob,Ithinkonemighthaverunaway.
Callmeifyoucan.
P.S.HaveItoldyouthatImissyou?
Ipresssendandgetoffthebed,goingtostartthecoffeemachinebeforeIwalktothebathroomandbrushmyteeth.ThephoneringsandIsmileseeinghisnameontop.“Goodmorning,sunshine,”Isay,puttinghimonspeakerasIwalkbacktothekitchen
“Goodmorning,beautiful,”hesaysandhisvoicesendsshiversdownmybody.Icouldjustpicturehimstandinginfrontofme.“Didyoujustgetup?”
“Idid,”Isay.“Areyouatwork?”
“Iam,gotinhereearly.I’mbetweenpatients,”hesays,andIwonderifhewearsscrubsornot.
“Whatchawearing?”Iaskandhelaughs.
“Pantsandashirt,”hesaysandhisvoicegoeslowandIhearsomeonecallhisname.“I’lltakeapictureandsendittoyou.Ihavetogo,baby,”hesayssoftly.“I’llcallyoulater.”
“Okay,”Isayandhangupthephone,puttingitonthecounter.“It’sgoingtobeokayforsevendays,”ItellmyselfandIwishitwasthatsimple.Truthbetold,thenextcoupleofdaysareashitshow.Imisshiscallsmosttimes,andwhenIcallhim,healwayssoundslikehe’sasleep.Irefusetoadmitthathewasrightfouryearsagoandthatlongdistanceisfine.
I’msittingatmydeskfourdayslaterwhenIhearthebellring,andmystomachflutterswhenIthinkitcouldbehim.Imean,Iknowtheprobabilityofitbeinghimisslim,especiallysinceIspokewithhimthismorningandhewasgoingintosurgery.Ispeedwalktothereceptionareaandseemymomcomingin.“Oh,it’syou,”Imumble,tryingtohidethedisappointment.
“Well,hellotoyou,too,”shesays,lookingaround.“WhereisDonna?”
“Sheissicktoday,”Isay,turningandwalkingbacktomyoffice,almoststompingbacklikeatoddlerbeingtoldIcan’thaveasnackbeforedinner.
“Areyoumoping?”mymothersaysfrombehindmeandIlookovermyshoulderather.
“I’mnotmoping,Ijustthoughtthatyouweresomeoneelseandyouareobviouslynotthatperson.So…”Iwalkovertothecouchandsitdown.
“Andwhodidyouthinkitwas?”sheasks,sittingnexttomeandIlookoverather.Itakeasecondtoseeifsheknowsanything.
“Younevercomevisitmeatwork.”Iputmyelbowonthesideofthecouchandrestmyheadonmyfist.“Sothisisasurprise.”
“Ijustwantedtoseemydaughter.”Sheavoidslookingatme,andIlaugh,knowingforsurenowthatshehasheardsomethingthroughthegrapevine,andchancesareshegottendifferentvariations,andIshouldhaveknownthiswascoming.IwasjustfreakingcrazytryingtogetthisweekendoffthatIdidn’teventhink.
“Whatareyoufishingfor,Mom?”Iask,andshegasps,shockedatmyquestion.
“Can’tamothervisitherdaughteratwork?”Shepretendstobrushlintfromherpants,butIknowthattherewouldneverbeapieceoflintonanythingshewears.Mymotherwasamodelsinceshewasalittlegirl,andeventhoughshe’ssettledtolifeasacountrygirl,shestillhasallthecityinher.“SowhatIheardwasthatacertainsomeonewasintown.”Sheshrugshershoulders.“Andnoonesaidanythingtomeaboutit.”Shefoldsherarmsoverherchest.
“Aha.”Ilaugh,pointingather.“Youcameforinformation.”
Sheputsherhandtoherchest.“Ididnot.”Sheglaresatme.“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”Shepointsatme.“WhydoIhavetofindoutfromastrangerthatmydaughterwasoutandaboutwithaman?”
Ithrowmyheadbackandlaughevenlouder.“Outandaboutmyass,wewenttothebaronSaturday,sowhoeveryouheardfromsawusthere.”
“Maybe.”Shetiltsherhead.“Thatwaswherepeoplesawyou.Thequestioniswhydidn’tyoutellushewascomingtotown?”
“Ididn’tknow,”Ianswerherhonestly.“HeshoweduphereonFriday.”Hermouthopens,andIknowshehassomanyquestions.“Askthequestions,Mom.”
“Idon’tevenknowwheretobegin.”Shethrowsherhandsup,andIwaitforhertogatherherthoughts.“Youwenttohisweddingtheotherweek.”
“Idid.”Inodather.“Andhedidnotgetmarried.”
“Well,obviously,hedidn’tgetmarried.Hecametoseeyou.”Sherollshereyes,andshedoesn’tevenaskmewhytheydidn’tgetmarried.“I’mjustshocked,isall.”
“Tobehonestwithyou.”Itakeadeepbreath.“Youaren’ttheonlyonewhoisshocked.”
“It’sbeenfouryears,”shetellsme,andtheburningstartsinmystomachwhenIthinkaboutit.“Andit’sbeenahardfreakingfouryearsforyou.”
“Ithasn’tbeenthathard.”Itrytosugarcoatit.
“Hasn’tbeenthathard.You’rekidding,right?”Sheshakesherhead.“Youweremiserableforwhat?Thelastfouryearstobeexact.”
“Iwasnotmiserable.Iwasjustfindingmyground.”IholdupmyhandsbecauseIknowsheisgoingtoarguewithme,andIalsoknowsheisn’twrongthatIhavebeenmiserableforthelastfouryears.NotalwaysmiserablebutIalwaysfeltsomethingmissinginmylife.“Itdoesn’tmatterrightnow.”
“You’reright,itdoesn’t,”sheagreeswithme.“Whatmattersnowisthathe’sbackinyourlife,Iassume.”
“Thatwouldbeagoodassumption.”Inodather.
“Sonowwhat?”Ijustlookather.“Nowthathe’scomehereandyou’ve”—shebeatsaroundthebush—”you’vespenttimewitheachother.”Ican’thelpbutrollmylipsandtrynottolaughather.
“Wespentlotsoftimetogether.”Iwinkatherandshegroans.
“Harlow,”shehisses.“Canyoubeseriousforoneminute?”
“Okay,okay.”Iholdupmyhands.“Ijustdon’tknowtheanswerstoeverything,”Iadmit.“Andnothavingtheanswersmakesmeallnervous.Like,whenisthenexttimeI’mgoingtoseehim?”Ishrugmyshoulders.“Ihavenoclue.Howdolong-distancerelationshipswork?Howlongcanonegowithlongdistancebeforetheygiveup?”Igetupfromthe
“Oh,Harlow,”mymothersays,gettingupandcomingovertomeandshewrapsherarmsaroundme.“Youhavetofollowyourheart.”
“Whatifmyheartisafraidofgettinghurtagain?”Isay,puttingmyheadonhershoulder.
“Whatyoufeelforhim,”mymothersaysassherubsmyback,“youwillneverfeelforanyoneelse,thisIcanguaranteeyou.”
“Butloveissupposedtobeeasy.”Shejustlaughs.
“Thelastthingthatloveis,iseasy.”Ican’thelpbutlaughattheironyofit,andsheletsmegoandholdsmyface.“Ifitwaseasy,noonewouldwantit.”
“Ilovehim,”Ishareandshesmilesatme.“Likenotjust,ohyeah,Iloveyou.It’sliketheIloveyousomuchithurtswhenIcan’tkissyou.”
“WhydoyouthinkItravelwithyourfatherwhenheleaves?”sheasksme.“Whydoyouthinkthatis?It’sbecauseIjustcan’tlivewithouthim.”
“Well,thatdoesn’thelpmeatall,”Ireply,andshelaughs.“Let’sgoandgetyousomethingtoeat.”
“Idon’twanttoeat.IneedtofindsomeonetotakemyplacethisweekendsoIcangoandseemyman.”
“Well,then,let’sgetyoutoyourman.”Shesmilesatmeandthelittlevoiceinmyheadisalreadymakingplans.Chapter23
Travis
Iparkmycarinthedrivewayandthephoneringsrightaway.WhenIseeit’sher,Ican’thelpthewaymychestcontractswhenIseeherface.“Hey,”Ianswerafteronering.ThesmilefillsmyfaceasIgetoutofthecar.Pushingmyshoulderuptoholdthephone,ItakeouttheflowersthatIstoppedbytogetforher.
“Hi,”shesaysandshesoundsexhausted.She’sbeenoncallforthelasttendays;Ilookatmywatchandseethatit’spast7:00p.m.“Ijustgotoutofsurgery.”IstopwalkingmidstepwhenIhearthosewords.
“Weren’tyousupposedtobeonyourwayhere?”Iaskher.ThelasttextIgotfromherwas,“leavinginanhour”andthatwasatthree.
“IwasandthenIgotanemergencycallandIhadnotimetotextyou.”Iclosemyeyesandthenturntositonthefrontsteps.“I’msosorry.”
“It’sbeenovertwoweeks,”IremindherandI’mpissedthatourplanshavechangedyetagain.LastweekItriedtogetouttoseeher,butthenshitcameupandIhadback-to-backemergencies,soIjustcouldn’tleave.We’vebeentalkingaboutthisweekendforthepastweek.Ididn’tevenmakeanyplansexcepttogetfoodin.Iwasgoingtolockthedoorandonlyopenitwhenshehadtoleave.ImissedhermorethanIcouldputintowords,andeverysingledayIwasgettingcrabbierandcrabbier,tothepointwheretheywerescaredtotalktome.
“Youdon’thavetoremindme,Travis,”shesays,andIcanhearthatsheispissedalso.“Iknowexactlyhowmanydaysit’sbeen,”shehuffs.“EvenifIforgot,youwouldremindme.”Idroptheflowersonthestepsbesideme.“Ihavetogoandtakeashower.I’mcoveredingutsandshit.”
“Fine,”Isnapout.“Callmeafter.”Ilookdownatthephoneandseemyscreenshot,whichisthepicturethatshesentmethisweek.Shewassittinginthemiddleofthefieldwithherhairpiledonherhead.Withoneeyeclosed,shelookedmorebeautifulthansheeverdidbefore.
Igrabtheflowersandheadinside,slammingthedoorbehindme.Itosstheflowersontothecounternexttomykeysandmyphone.Pullingopenthefridgeandgrabbingabottleofbeer,Itwistopenthecap,throwingitintothesink,notevengivingashit.Iwalkovertothecouchandsitdown,kickingoffmyshoes.Grabbingtheremote,IturnonthetelevisionandjustflickthechannelswhileIfinishmybottleofbeer.
Somuchisgoingthroughmyhead,it’slikeaspinningmerry-go-round.Ifinishthebeerinthreegulpsandgetanotherone.“Ireallyfuckedthingsup,”Isaytothetelevision,takinganotherpullofthebeer.“ShouldIhavejustaskedhertocomewithme?”Ilookatthebottleinmyhand.“Ifuckinghatethisshit.”Ilookatthetelevision,notevenknowingwhatI’mwatching.
Playingthescenarioinmyheadoverandoveragain.Askinghertocomeandthenwonderingifwewouldbemarriedbynow.Forsurewewouldbe,Iwouldbebegginghertomarryme.Wouldweevenbelivinginthishouse?Getupgrabbinganotherbeerandthencheckingtoseeifshecalledme,IthinkaboutcallingherbutI’mafraidthatshemighthavefallenasleepandI’llwakeher.
ThewholenightIdrinkbeerafterbeerwhileImakemyselfalmostcrazywithquestionsaboutwhatwouldhavebeen.Ilieonthecouchsometimeafterelevenandmyeyescloseforasecond.Ihearthesoftknockandmyeyesflutteropentoseethetelevisionstillon.MyheadfeelsallgroggywhenIpickupmyphonetoseethatit’sjustafter2:00a.m.Iseethatthereisn’tatextfromher,norhaveImissedacall.Mystomachsinksknowingthatsheisprobablymadatmeforwhathappenedbefore.IcontemplategettingupandgoingtosleepinmybedwhenIheartheknockagain.Isitup,lookingbackatthedoorandgettingup.Itakefourstepstothedoorandthenhearasoftknockyetagain.“Whatthehell?”IsaytomyselfasIgrabthedoorhandleandthephoneringsinmyhand.IlookdownseeingHarlow’snameatthesametimethatmyhandopensthedoor.MyhandstopshalfwaytomyearwhenIseeherstandingthereinthemiddleoftheporchwiththephonetoherear.“Harlow,”Iwhisper,andIwonderifI’mdreamingaboutheragain.IblinkacoupleoftimestomakesurethatI’mreallyseeingher.
“Hi.”Sheholdsupherhandwiththephoneinit.“Surprise,”shesays,openingherarmsandmyphonefallstothefloorandIrushouttoher.MyarmswraparoundherwaistasIpickherup.Shewrapsherlegsaroundmywaistatthesametimeshegrabsmyfacewithbothhandsandlowersherlipstomine.Islidemytongueintohermouthandthebothofusmoanout.Iturnaround,walkingbackintothehouse,closingthefrontdoorwithmyfoot.
Shemovesherheadtothesideasthekissdeepens,myhearthammeringinmychest.“Ican’tbelieveyouarehere,”IsaywhenIletgoofherlips.“Areyoureallyhere?”
“Imean,youcouldbedreaming.”Shesmilesandherindexfingertracesmylowerlip.“Ijusthopeyou’rereal.”
Ileanforwardandbiteherneckandthensuckin.“Yup,real,”IconfirmandIjuststareather.She’severythingandmore.“Imissedyou.”
“Showme,”shesaysinawhisper.“Showmeallthewaysyou’vemissedme.”Shereachesforhershirtandpullsitoverherhead.“Fourteendays.”Sheleansin,bitingmylowerlip.“Fourteentimes,”shesays,andallIcandoistossheronthebed.Ittakesawholetwentysecondstogetusbothnaked.Ourhandsarefrantictotoucheachother,ourmouthsattachandneverletgo.ThereissomuchIwanttodotoherbutherhandgripsmycockandpullsittohervagina.“Ireallywanttoswallowyoutothebackofmythroat,”shesays,lettinggoofmylipsforabit.“ButIneedyouinsidememore.”
Shedoesn’thavetoaskmetwice,inonethrustI’mallthewayburiedinher.Bothofusmoanout.ShearchesherbackandIfuckingswearshewasmadeforme.Shewrapsherlegsaroundmywaistanditdoesn’ttakemelonguntilI’mroaringouthernameatthesametimethatwebothjumpoverthecliff.Ihunchoverher,notmovingfrominsideher.“Areyoureallyhere?”Ibendandkissherlips.
“I’mreallyhere.”Shesmilesatme.“Ididn’tthinkIwouldbeabletoswingit,butIjustcouldn’tgoanotherweekend.”Herhandcomesupandcupsmyface.“Evenifit’sforjustalittlewhile.”Sheleansupandrubshernosewithmineandsherollsmeoverforroundtwo.
“Whereareyougoing?”ImumblewithmyeyesstillclosedwhenIfeelhertrytomoveawayfromme.
Shechucklesasmyhanddoesn’tletgoofheroneboob.“Ihavetopee.”IopenoneeyewhenIletgoofherandseeherslipoutofbedandwalktothebathroom.“Whattimeisit?”Iturntolookattheclock.
“It’seleven,”Ireplyandwaitforhertowalkoutofthebathroom.Allnightwewentatit,neitherofuswantedtosleepandlosethetimewehadwitheachother.Wefinallydriftedofftosleepsometimeaftereight,afterwemadeanearlybreakfast.Ihearthetoiletflushandthenthewaterturnon.Shewalksoutofthebathroomrightafterandmycockwakesup.“Ihavetoleavebytwo.”
ThehappinessthatIfeltnottoolongagonowturnsintoanger.“Youjustgothere.”
“AndIhadtobegsomeonetotakemyplace,buttheycan’tdoitallweekend,soItookwhatIcould.”Sheputsakneeintothebedandthencrawlstome.“Don’tdothatface.”
“Whatface?”Itrytochangemyfacebutsheknowsme.
“Theface.”Sheswingsherlegovermyhipsstraddlingmeandleansdown.“Whenthispartrighthere.”Shepointsbetweenmyeyes.“Getsallscrunchedup.”Shekissesthespot.“Andthenthisdimplerighthere.”Shepointsattherightsideofmycheek.“Itdroops.”Shekissesmydimpleandmyhandsgotoherhips.
“Idon’twantyoutoleavemeyet,”Iadmittoherandflipheronherback.“WhatifItiedyouupandneverletyouout?”Iaskherandhergreeneyesjustlightupwhenshelaughs.
“That,myfriend,iscalledkidnapping.”Ismileather.“AndIthinkyougetarrestedandputintojail.”
“Ugh,fine,”Isay,tryingnottoruinthelastcoupleofhoursIhavewithher,buttheminutesflybyandintheblinkofaneyeI’mkissingherbesidehercar.“Areyougoingtocallmewhenyougethome?”
“Isurewill.”Shelaysherheadonmyshoulder.“Andthenyouaregoingtocheckandseewhenyoucanleave.”
“Iwill,”Iagreeandthewindblowsherhairintoherface.MyhandpushesitbackandIkissherlipsonemoretimebeforeshegetsintothecar.“Drivesafe,”Isay,closingthecardoorbehindher.
“Bye,Travis.”ShesmilesandIcanseethatsheisblinkingawaytearsandIwishshecouldstay.Sheputsherhandtoherlipsandkissesherfingersandblowsmeakissbeforedrivingoff.IstandherewatchinguntilIdon’tseehertaillightsanymore.
Iwalkupthestepsandsitonthetopstep,thepaininmychestgettingstrongerandstronger.Isitoutherelookingatnothingreally,andthenmyphoneringsinmybackpocket.“Hello,”Ianswer,notevencheckingtoseewhoitis.
“Hey,”Shelbysays.“Don’tforgetdinneratMom’sintenminutes.”Ilookatthephoneseeingthatit’salmostfive.Ispentthelastthreehoursstaringatnothing.
“Yeah,I’llbethere.”Iwalkbackinthehouseandsliponsocksandshoes,grabbingmykeysandwallet.Idon’tlookatthebed,notwillingtojustyet
WhenIpulluptothehouse,Iseethatallthreeofthemaresittingoutsideonthefrontsteps.
Igetoutofthecarandclosethedoorbehindme,turningtowalkupthewalkway.“Jesus,”Clarabellasays.“Youlooklikeshit.”
Ishakemyhead,onlymysisterdoesn’tsugarcoatthings.“OhmyGod,didananimaldie?”ShelbyasksandIsitdownonthestepnexttothem.
“Nope,”Irespondandthefrontdooropensandmymothercomesoutandshesmilesuntilsheseesmyface.
“Whathappened?”Hersmilefades.“Whodied?”Shelooksatthegirls,whotrynottolaughather.
“Noonedied,”Iassurethemandleanmyelbowsonmyknees.“Whycan’tIjustlooklikeshit?”
“Youdon’tjustlooklikeshit,”Presleyreplies.“Youlooklikesomeonekickedyourdogandthenkickedyouintheballs.”
“Doyouneedtobesographic?”mymotherhuffsatherandshejustsmilesather.
“Harlowwasdown,”Ishareandeveryonejuststopsevenblinkingtheireyes.Eventheanimalsinthetreessoundliketheystoppeddoingeverything.
“Waitasecond.”Shelbyholdsupherhandandthenlooksatme.“Shecamedowntoseeyou?”
“Iwenttoseehertwoweeksago,”Iadmittothemandmymotherwalksovertotherockingchair.Shegrabsthechairbythearmandpullsitclosertousandsitsdown.
“Youwenttoseehertheweekafteryourwedding?”Shelooksatme.“Yousaidyouwenttoaconference.”
“Ilied,”Iconfess.“Ididn’twanttosayanythingincaseshetoldmetofuckoff.”
“Yousleptwithheronyourweddingnightandshedidn’ttellyoutofuckoffthen,”PresleyremindsmeandShelbyputsherhandtohermouthwhenmymothergasps.
“What?”sheshrieksoutandIglareatPresley.“Yousleptwithheronyourweddingnight?”Sherollshereyesandshakesherhead.“Areyououtofyourmind?”
“Probably,”Iadmittoher.“Probably.BecausenowIloveherevenmorethanIdidbeforeandit’ssofuckedup.”Mysisterslookatmewiththeirmouthshangingdown.“Ibrokeupwithherfouryearsagoforthisexactreason.”
“Youbrokeupwithherfouryearsagobecauseyou’reanasshole,”Clarabellatellsmeandit’smyturnformymouthtohangopen.“Oh,comeon,youdon’tthinkthatwhatyoudidmadeanysensewhatsoever.”
“HowcouldIhaveaskedhertochoose?”Iask,gettingdefensive.
“Iknowhow.”Shelbyputsherhanduplikesheisinaclassroom.“Harlow,IloveyouandIdon’twantyoutomovebackhome.”
“It’snotthateasy,”Ideclare,shakingmyhead,thepitofmystomachburning.
“Butitisthateasy.It’slikepickme,chooseme,loveme,”Clarabellasays,andmysistersallnodandsigh.
“Fouryearsago,IlethergobecauseIdidn’twanthertochoosebetweengoingbackhomeandbeinginthisfuckingspot.”
“Andwhatspotisthat?”mymotherasks
“It’sthespotwhereImisshersofreakingmuchI’munbearableatwork.It’sthespotwhereIdon’tevensleepproperlybecauseallIwanttodoisdreamofher,andwhenIdon’t,Iwakeuppissed.It’sthespotwhereeverythingaroundmeseemsdull,almostlikeit’sinblackandwhiteandsheisthecolorintheworld.”Thepaininmychestcomesonfullforcenow.“It’sthespotthatIdidn’twanttofuckingbeinandI’mhere.Iwantout.”
“One,”Shelbystates,puttingupherfinger.“Ifyouweren’tmyannoyingbrother,Iwouldbarfatallthethingsyoujustsaid.Andtwo,whydon’tyoujustaskhertomovehere?”
“Shehasapractice.”Ithrowupmyhands.“HowmuchofadickwouldIbeifIsaidclosedownyourpracticeandmovehere?”
“Well,ifyouaregoingtobeaschipperandlight-heartedasyouarerighthere,”Presleysays.“Chancesarethatyouaregoingtomakeeveryonearoundyouwanttomoveawayfromyou.”
“Youloveher,”mymothersays.
“Ido,”Iadmit.“MorethanIdidbefore,morethanIwillanyotherwomaninthislifetime.”
“Iwaitedtoseethelightcomebackintoyoureyes,”mymothersayssoftly,andsheusesherthumbtobrushawaythetearfromthecornerofhereye.“AndwhenyoubroughtJenniferhome,Iwasoverthemoon.Ithoughtmyboyisback.”Mysistersgroanoutatthesametime.“Shutup,youthree.”Sheglaresatthem.“Ikeptlookingatyou,hopingtoseethesamelightinyoureyethatyouhadwithHarlow.Ikeptwaitingforyoutolaughlikeyoudidwithher.Ikeptwaitingforyoutobelikethis.”Shepointsatme.“Thewholetimeyouwerewithher,youneverhadthatlight.Youweredull.”
“Jeez,thanks,”Isay,laughingather.“Nothinglikeyourmothertellingyouyou’redulltobrightenyourday.”
Shegetsup.“Theanswersarerightinfrontofyou.”Sheputsherhandsonherhips.“Youknowwhattheansweris.”Ijustlookather,notsurewhenshesayswhatmyheadhasbeenscreamingatmetodo.“Ifyouwanther,gotoher.”Chapter24
Harlow
“I’msosorry,Harlow,”DeloressaysfromthephoneandIclosemyeyes.
“It’snotyourfaultyoufellandbrokeyourleg.”Ishakemyheadandlookupattheceilingofmyoffice.“Youjustfocusongettingyourselfbetter,”Isay.“Don’tworryaboutanything.”Iputthephonedown.
“Why?”Iwanttobangmyheadonthedesk.Donnacomesintomyoffice,andIlookather.“Isthisasignthatweshouldjustgoourseparateways?”Deloreswastransferringoverfromthevetacrosstowntojoinmeandyesterdaywhileoncallshefellandbrokeherleginthreeplaces.
“No.”Sheshakesherhead.“It’salmostasiftheuniversewantstoseehowmuchyouwillfightforeachother.”Sheshrugs.
“Well,I’dliketositdownwiththeuniverseandtellittofuckoff.”IputmyheadbackandIcanfeeltheheadachecomingon.
“Inothernews,I’mout,”shesays,turningaround.“Iwillseeyouinthemorning.”
Inodather,notsayinganything,andwhenthephoneringsandIseeit’sTravis,theburninginthepitofmystomachmovestomychest.Ipressthegreenconnectbuttonandseemyfaceinthescreenwiththewhitecirclegoingaroundandaround.Hisfacethenfillsthescreenandtheburninginmychestturnstoacrushingpain.“Hi.”IseehisgreeneyeslightupwhenheseesmeandImisshimsomuch.ItriedtoputitintowordstheotherdayandIcouldn’t.It’sthisoverwhelmingneedtobewithhim.Thelasttwoweekshavebeenhard,eventhoughheflewdownonedaytosurpriseme,Ithenwascalledonanemergencyandwespentafullthreehourstogether.Thenhehadtoleaveandwehaven’tbeenabletomakeourschedulessync.“Oh,no,”hesays,smilingsideways.“Thatlookisnotagoodlook.”
Itrytoblinkawaythestupidtearsthatcome.I’magrown-asswomanandI’mgoingtocrybecauseIcan’tseemyboyfriend.Whothefuckdoesthat?Oh,Iknow,me.“IjustgotacallfromDeloresandshebrokeherleg.”Hiseyeswiden.“Sosheisoutforagoodmonth,ifnotsixweeks.”
“Great,”hesays,huffingoutandputtinghisheadback.“NotthenewsIwaslookingfortoday.”
“Iknow,”Isay,frustratedwiththiswholefuckingsituation.Ijustwanttobeabletospendtheweekendwithhim.FridaytoMondaywithoutcountingdownthehours.Iwanttobeabletogoouttodinnerwithhimandthengohomeandjustchillonthecouch.Iwanttowakeupwithhiminthemorningandhavebreakfast.Iwanttodowhatnormalcouplesdoinsteadofholdingourbreathforournextvisit.OrtryingtogetsomeonetotakemyplaceforadaysoIcanrushtohim.I’mjustfedupwiththelongdistanceandI’mfrustratedthathewasrightallalong.Whichmakesmepissedoffandirritable.Itiltmyheadtotheside.“Iwasnotexpectinghertosaythatwhenshecalled.”
Hetakesabigdeepbreathandlooksatme.“It’sfine,”hetriestosay,andIsnap.
“It’snotfuckingfine.”Islapmyhandonmymouth,thecalm,cool,collectedHarlowisgone.Theonewhowasalwaystryingtosugarcoatshitisgone.Thelastphonecallwasthestrawthatbrokethecamel’sback.Ididn’tevenhavetimetoprocessitbeforehecalledandI’mnotsureitwouldmakeadifference.“It’snotfuckingfine!”Ishoutagain.“Nothingaboutthisisfine.Notonefuckingthing.”Ithrowupmyhands.“IhatethatIhaven’tseenyouinoveraweek.IhatethatthelasttimeIsawyouIspentthreehourswithyou.IhatethatIhaven’tbeenabletofallasleepbesideyou.Ifuckinghateit!”Ishoutandthenfinallytakeabreath.
“Areyoudone?”heaskscalmly,makingmeglareathim.
“DoesitlooklikeI’mdone,Travis?”Ihissathim.
“You’resexywhenyouaremad,”hestateswithhissmilethatmakesmeforgeteverythingIwasthinkingaboutbefore
“Stoptryingtomakemefeelbetter,”Isnapathim,andifhewasinfrontofme,hewouldprobablypullmetohimandjustholdme,whichmakesmeevenmadder.“Youwereright,”Iadmit.“Thislongdistanceis.”IstoptalkingbeforeIsayit’snotworkingout.“It’salot.”
“It’salearningcurve.”Hetriestobethevoiceofreason.“IwishIcouldswingcomingtoseeyou,butMicehllejustgavebirthearlyandRoyjusttookoffonvacation.”Hementionshistwopartners.
“It’sfine,”Isay,ignoringthepanginginmychest.“Besides,knowingourluck,yougethereandI’dbecalledawayfortenhoursandthenwhat?”
Thereisabeeponhissideandhelooksdown.“Ihavetogo,”hesaysandallIcandoislookathim.“I’llcallyouinabit.”Idon’tanswerhimbecausethereisalumpstuckinmythroat.“Hey,”hesayswhenIlookdown.“Harlow.”HesaysmynamesoIlookupathim.Whenmyeyesmeethis,hejustsmilessadly.“We’llworkitout,”heassuresmesoftlyandIwanttoarguewithhimbutanotherbeepgoesout.
“Go,”IsayandIpressdisconnectbeforehedoes.“Fuck,”isallIcansayasIturnmychairandlookoutsideatthesunthatisslowlysetting.WhenIstandfrommychair,mybodyfeelslikeit’sbeenrunoverbyaMacktruck.Everysinglestephurts,andwhenIgethome,Ibarelymakeitupthestepsbeforeturningandjustsittinginoneofthechairs.
Ifeelthephonebuzzinmypocket,andwhenmyhandreachesforit,Iseeit’shim.IletitringuntilitgoestovoicemailandthenhearthesoundofrocksandIlookup.TheblacktruckstopsrightbehindmineandIwatchmyfatherstepout.
Hetakestwostepsupandstopswhenhespotsmesittinginthedark.“WhatintheSamHillareyoudoingsittingoutsideinthedark?”Hewalksovertomeandthenstopswhenheseesme.Iprobablylooklikeawreck;tearsaresmearedalldownmycheeksforsure.“Whodied?”ItrytolaughbutinsteadasobjustcomesoutofmeandIputahandtomymouth.Hesquatsdowninfrontofme,grabbingtheotherhandinhis.“Harlow,”hewhispersinaplea.“I’mnotgoingtolie,youarereallyfreakingmeoutrightnow.”HelooksaroundandIcanimaginehe’swonderinghowhecancallsomeonewithoutleavingme.
“I’mfine,”Isayandthensniffle.“Imean,I’mnotreallyfine.”
“Whatisit?”hesays,pushingawaythehairfrommyface.“Whateveritis,wecangetthroughit.Areyousick?”heasksandIshakemyhead.
Heputshisheaddownonmylegs.“ThankGod,”heutters.“Ithoughtyouweregoingtotellmethatyou’redying.”Helaughsuncomfortably.“Gottasayyoutookamillionyearsoffmylife.”
Ilaughandwipethetearoffmycheek.“I’mnotsick,”Ireassurehim.“ButI’mnothappy,Dad.”IsaythewordsI’vebeenscaredtosayoutloudinthelastfouryears.“Itriedtobehappy,Idid.”Ismileathimbutthetearscome.“Butit’sjustmyheartisemptyhere.”
“Harlow,”hewhispersandIcanseehisowntearsinhiseyes.“Honey.”Hecupsmycheek.
“Whenhebrokeupwithme,Itoldmyselfthatitwasgoingtobefine.”Ilookdownathishandonmine.“AndthenIdecidedthatIwasnotonlygoingtoopenmypracticehere,Iwasgoingtofuckingkillit.”Ismilethroughthetears.“AndIdidandthen.”
“Andthenyourealizedthatyouwerejustgoingthroughthemotions.”Hefillsinforme.
“MaybeIdidn’tseeit.”Iswallowdownthelumpinmythroat.“HowunhappyIwas.Maybeseeinghimagain,itjustclicked,andnowIdon’tknow.”
“Youlovehim?”hequizzesandI’mnotsureifhe’saskingmeortellingme.“Like,youaren’tusinghimjusttosaytofuckoff.”
“Dad,”Igasp.“Whywouldyoueventhinkthat?”
“Idon’tknow.”Heshrugs.“Iwasjusthopingthatyouwouldn’tgethurtagain.”
“Butbeingwithouthimhurtsmore,”Isay.“It’scrazythatIlivedfouryearswithouthimandnowthathe’sbeenbackinmylife,Ijustmisshimallthetime.”
“It’snotcrazy,”hesays.“It’snormal.Hell,I’vebeenwithyourmomforalong,longtimeandeverysingledayIloveherevenmore.”Hesmilesbigandhiseyeslightup.“Ican’timagineadaywithouther.”
“Yeah,well,Icantellyourightnow,itsucksass,”Icomplain.“Igothometonight,andIswearIthoughtmybodywasshuttingdown.”Ilookdown.“Willyouhelpme?”
“Whateveryouneed,”hetellsme.“It’sgoingtobehard,”hesays,andit’smyturntowipethetearfromhisface.“Butifthat’swhatyouwant,wewillmakeithappen.”
“Thankyou,foralwaysbeingonmyside.”
“ThereisnoothersideIwillbeon.”Hegetsupandpullsmeupwithhim.“Ifhehurtsyouagain.”Helooksdownatme.“Iwillgetyourbrothertoroughhimupalittle.”
Ithrowmyheadbackandletoutalaugh.“Goodtoknow.”Heputshisarmovermyshoulder,walkingtomyfrontdoor.“Youknowhe’safraidyouaregoingtoshoothim.”
Hechuckles.“Imean,youjustneverknow.”HewinksatmeasIopenthedoorforhim.“Tomorrowwesitdownandstartmakingaplan,”hetellsme.“Nowgogetyourstuff.”Ijustlookathim.“Yourmotherisn’tgoingtoletyoustayhereallnightwithyoucryingandstuff.”
“Whoisgoingtotellher?”Ifoldmyarmsovermychest.
“I’mnotlyingtoher,”hetellsme,mimickingmystance.“Doyouknowwhatshedoeswhenshefindsout?”Irollmylips.“Lasttimeshewentsevendayswithoutsayingawordtome.Doyouknowhowmanyhoursthatis?”Heshakeshishead.“Isleptwithoneeyeopenafterthesecondday.”Iputmyhandtomystomachandlaugh.“Nowgogetyourstuff.”
Inodathimandturnaround,walkingtowardmyroom.Forthefirsttimeinthelastmonth,mystepsfeellighter.Forthefirsttimeinthelastfourmonths,Icanseethelightattheendofthetunnel.Forthefirsttimeinfouryears,Icanfeelmyheartbeatingagain.Chapter25
Travis
Ipresstheconnectbuttononthemiddlescreen.“Hello.”Shelby’svoicefillsthecar.
“Hey,”Ianswer,lookingaroundatthegreentreesasIdrivedowntheroad.“What’sup?”
“Justcheckingin,”shesays,andIcanimaginethatshejustspoketomymother.WhoistheonlyonewhoknowswhereI’mgoingrightnow.Icanalsohearthatshe’srushingsomewhere,andknowingthatsheisprobablyatawedding,thisconversationisgoingtobequick.
“Checkingin?”Ichuckle.“Orcallingtogetthescoop?”
Shegasps,“Can’tabigsistercallandcheckonherbabybrother?”Ican’thelpbutlaughloud.
“Smooth.ButI’mjustgettingtoHarlow’shouse,”Isay,turningontothestreetandmyheartstartstobeatfasterandfasterasIgetclosertoherhouse.“AndIhaven’tseenherinawhile,so…”
“So,youaregoingtobangherontheporch.”Sheroarsoutalaugh.“You’lllastmaybefiveseconds.”
“Goodbye,”Isayandthenshecutsinrightaway.
“Goodluck,”shesays,andIdisconnectwhenIpullintothedrivewayandseethathercaristhereparkedinthemiddle.
It’sbeenaweeksinceshe’shadalittlebreakdown,andI’mnotgoingtolie,she’sbeenmorequietthannormal.It’salmostasifsheispullingawayfromme,andeverysingleday,Igotitchieranditchiertosaymyplans.
Gettingoutofthecar,IlistentothesoundofcalmnessandsmilewhenIlookupatthehouse,knowingshe’srightinthere.IjogupthestepstothefrontdoorandIhavetolaughatmyselfwhenIseemyhandshakingwhenIringthedoorbell.ThelasttimeIspoketohershewasjustgettinghomeandshewasrushingtogetoffthephone.
IputmyhandsinmypocketsasIwaitforhertoanswerthedoor.IfeelasnervousasIdidonourfirstdate.Eventhoughweweretalkingwaybeforeweevenwentonthatfirstdate,Ijustknewwhatabigdealitwas.Ialsodidn’twanttofuckanythingup.
Myheartspeedsupevenfaster,myhandsgetreallyclammy,mykneesarestartingtoshake,andnowthenerveshavemovedfrommystomachtothebackofmyneck.Ireachoutagaintoringthebellandthesuddendreadfillsme.MaybeIshouldhavetoldherIwascoming.MaybeIshouldhavetoldhermyplansinsteadofjustsurprisingher.Allthemaybesandthedoubtsrunrampantthroughme.“Coming.”IhearhervoiceandIdon’thaveanytimetopreparewhenthedoorswingsopenandshestandsthere.EverythingthatIwasthinkingbeforeissuddenlygonewithonelookather.She’swearingnavy-bluelooseshortswithamatchingV-neckshirt.“Ohmygosh.”Istheonlythingshesaysbefore
IlaughasIstepintoherhouseandshutthedoorwithmyfoot.“It’sforreal,”Iassureher,laughing,andsheunburiesherheadfrommyneck.Hergreeneyeslightupwhensheputsherhandonmycheekandleansintokissmylipssoftly.
Itakeacoupleofstepsintothehouse.“Whyisityou’realwayscarryingme?”Shelaughsandmyheartskipsabeat
“I’llcarryyoueverysingleday,”Isayandshetiltsherheadtotheside.“Imissedyou.”Myarmssqueezearoundherwaistevenmore,pullinghertomeandit’smyturntoburymyfaceinherneck.
“Howlongcanyoustay?”sheaskssoftlyasherhandsgointothebackofmyhair.
“Allweekend,”Isay,figuringIamgoingtostartoffslow.
Shegasps,andIremovemyfacefromherneck.“Like,allweekend.Like,sleepingandwakingup?”
“Yup.”Ismileandlookaround,seeingtheboxesscatteredallovertheplace.“Whatisallthis?”Ilookatherandseethathereyesavoidme.“Areyoumoving?”
Sheslipsherlegsoffmywaistandslidesdownoffme.“Ithinkweshouldtalk,”shesaysandallthenervesIhadbeforehavecomeback.Sheslipsherhandinmineasshepullsmetothecouchwithher.I’mtryingnottopanicatthismoment,buteverythingisscreamingatmethatIshouldhavespokentoheraboutmyplans.
SheslidesontothecouchandtucksherlegsunderherandIsitnexttoher.“Ithinkwedefinitelyneedtotalk,”mymouthsaysbeforemybraincancatchup.Ihadthiswholespeechplanned,thebenefitfromdrivingsixhoursisyouhavealotoftimetothink.Ilookandseethattherearemoreboxes.Myheartfeelslikeit’shammeringinthemiddleofmychest.“Umm,”isallIcansaywhenIclosemyeyesandtrytofindthewordsthatareclusteredallaroundmyhead.
“Travis,”shesaysandstartstosaysomethingelsebutIholdupmyhand.
“Ireallyneedtogetthisout,”Istart,turningtolookather.Ipushthehairawayfromherface,needingtotouchher.“ThelastweekI’vebeengoingthroughallthesethingsinmyhead.”Shesmilesatme.
“Ihavealso.”Shereachesoutwithherhandtoholdmine.HerfingerslinkwithmineandallIcanthinkisthatIwanttoholdherhandinmineforever.
“Actually,it’sbeenlongerthanjustlastweek.”Iswallow.“Butwhenyoucalledlastweekandanotherweekendofplanswereshot,Iknewthatsomethinghadtogive.”Ipickupherhandthatislinkedwithmineandbringittomylips,kissingherfingers.“SoImadethedecisionthatI’mmovinghere,”Isay,finallylettingitoutandshelooksatmeshocked.“Iknowthatitmaycomeasashocktoyou,butafterIlookedateverything.”Atearescapeshereye.“ThebottomlineisthatIcan’tlivewithoutbeingnearyouso…”Ismileasanothertearspillsout.“Ispoketomypartnersandtheyaregoingtobuymeout.”
“Youcan’tdothat,”shesays,gettingupandmywholebodygoessolidlikearock.ThehappinessthatIhadtwosecondsagoturnstoice-coldfeelings.
Iturntofaceherasshestandsinfrontofme.“WhatdoyoumeanIcan’tdothat?”Mystomachsinksthinkingthatmaybeshedoesn’twantmetodothis.MaybesheisoverthisandjustthinkingaboutthatI’mgoingtobesick.
“Imeanthatyoucan’tdothat,”sherepeatsandrubsthetearoffherowncheek.“Youcan’tdothatbecauseI’mmoving.”
“Well,Iseethat.”Itrytoswallowbutthelumpinmythroatgrowsbiggerandbigger.
“No,youdon’t.”Shelaughsandputsherhandstohermouth.“Youcan’tmoveherebecauseI’mmovingtoyou.”
“What?”Iaskherandit’smyturntobeshocked.
“That’swhatalltheboxesarefor.”Sheholdsherhandstothesidesofher.“I’msellingmypractice.”
Ishakemyhead,notsureI’mactuallyhearingthewordsthatsheissaying.“I’msorry,”Isay,laughingatusandthiswholesituation.
“Well,letmeseeifIcanexplainitbetter.”HerwholefacelightsupwithasmileandifIdidn’tloveherbeforewitheverythingIhad,thismomentrightherewouldbewhereitwouldhappen.“Actually,thisdecisionwasmadefouryearsago,”shesaysandifIwasn’tsittingdowntobeginwith,thisnewswouldknockmeonmyass.Iholdupmyhandandsheholdsupherown.“Letmetalk,please.”ShewaitsandmakessurethatI’mnotgoingtosayanythingelse.“Fouryearsago,IwasgoingtotellyouthatIwasgoingtotakeajobattheemergencyclinicwithyou.”Mybrainfeelslikeit’sgoingtoexplodeinmyhead,andmymouthhangsopen.“Yeah,”shesays.“IhaddecidedthatIwasgoingtostaywithyou.”
“But,”Istarttosayasthepiecescometogether.Theclinictellingmethattheywereshort-staffedbecausesomeonewhowasgoingtotakethejobdecidednotto.Ineverevenputtwoandtwotogether.
“Butyoubrokeupwithme,”shesays,shrugging.“Andmyplanschanged,soIcamehome.”
“Whydidn’tyousayanythingtome?”Igetup.“Younevereventoldme.”
“Iwaswaitinguntilyoubroughtitup.”Shetakesadeepbreath.“Ididn’twanttojustassumethatyouwouldwantmewithyou,soIwaswaitinguntilyouaskedme.”Hervoicegoeslow.“Andthenyoubrokeupwithme,sotherewasnopointinthat.”
TheonlythingIcansayis.“But.”
“SoIcalledmyfatherandtoldhimIwouldtakehisoffer.”
“Youhadtoldyourfatheralready?”Ihissout.“Great.”Iputmyhandsonmyhips.“Ifhedidn’twantto,he’llwanttoshootmenow.”
Shelaughsandcomesovertome,standinginfrontofme.Sheputsherhandsonmyhips.“Iwentfouryearswithoutyou.”Shelooksupatmewithallthelovethatshehasalwayslookedatmewith.ThelookIthoughtIwouldneverseeagain.“AndittookonedayformetoseethatIreallywasn’thappy.Imeanyes,Ihadmypracticeanditwasthriving.Yes,Ihadmyfamilyallaroundme.Ihadeverythingthatcouldmakemehappy,exceptIdidn’thavethatmissingpiece.”
“Ican’tletyougivethisupforme.”Ishakemyhead.“Iwouldn’tletyoudoitfouryearsago.I’mnotgoingtoletyoudoitnow.”
“Well,goodnewsisyouhavenosayinthis,”shesassesme.“ThedecisionhasalreadybeenmadeandIhavethreeinterviewsonMonday.”
“Youdidallofthiswithouttellingme.”
“Youdidthesamething,”shecountersbackatmeandmyhandscomeandholdherface.“Ireallythinkweshouldtalkabouthowwecommunicatewitheachother.”ShelaughsandIcan’thelpbutbenddownandkissherlips.
“Idon’twantyoutosacrificeallofthis.”
“That’sthething,Travis,”sheexplains.“I’mnotsacrificinganything.I’mchoosingmeandmyhappiness.”Shegetsonhertippy-toesandkissesundermyneck.“Nowthatwehavethatsettled,canwegetnaked?”Onlyshecanshockmeoneminuteandthenmakemelaughthenext.Onlyshecanarguethatwhatsheisdoingforyouisreallyforher.Onlyshecanmakeeverythingbetter.Onlyshecanmakemyheartbeatwithoutpain.Onlyher.Chapter26
Harlow
“That’sthething,Travis,”Isay,mychestfeelingfullforthefirsttimeinthelastfouryears.“I’mnotsacrificinganything.I’mchoosingmeandmyhappiness.”Igetonmytippy-toesandkissunderhisneck,exactlywhereIcanfeelhisheartbeatundermylips.HisheartisbeatingasfastasmineandallIcandoissmile.“Nowthatwehavethatsettled,canwegetnaked?”
“Yes,”heagreesandholdsupafinger.“JustsoIunderstandwhatisgoingon,”hesaysandIrubmynoseunderhischin.“Fouryearsago,youweregoingtomovewithme.”
“Thatiscorrect,”Isayasmyhandsgotothehemofhisshirt,myhandsslidingitupjustatouch.
“SonotonlywasIatotalasshole,”hecontinuestalking.“ButIwasstupid.”
“Thatiscorrect.”Igivehisnecksoftkisses.“Anddumb.”Myfingertrailsuphisstomach.
“Reallydumb,”heconfirms,andwhenIlookupathim,IseethathiseyesareclosedasImoveonehanddowntocuphiscockthroughhispants.“Harlow,”hehissesout.“Ireally…”Hisvoicecomesoutbreathlessasmyhandrubsupanddowntwice.“Wereallyneedtotalk.”HestopstalkingwhenmyhandgoestothetopofhisjeansandIslipinthetipsofmyfingers,touchingtheheadofhiscock.Hegroanswhenmynailsgrazetheheadofhiscock.“Wereallyneedtotalk,”herepeatsthewordsandmyotherhandleaveshischestandcomestounbuttonhisjeans.
“Weshouldtalk.”MyhandgoestothezipperasIpullitdown.“ButthereissomethingelseIcouldbedoingwithmymouth.”IsmirkathimasIsinkdowntomykneesandpullhispantsdown,lickingthetip.“Imissedyou.”
Travischuckles.“Areyoutalkingtomeormydick?”
“Abitofbothrightnow.”Ifisthiscockinmyhand.“Alittlebitofboth,”Isay,swallowingdownhiscockasmuchasIcan.
“Harlow.”Hehissesoutmyname,buryinghishandsinmyhair.Iworkhiscockwithmyhandandmymouth.IfeelhiscockgettingbiggerinmymouthwhenhestepsoutofreachandImoanathim.
Hegoesbacktothecouchandkicksoffhispantsandthenripshisshirtoverhisheadbeforelyingdown.“IthinkIwanttousemymouthtodosomethingelsebesidestalking.”Hedoesn’tneedtoaskmetwiceandinthreesecondsI’mnakedinfrontofhim.Iwalkovertothesideofthecouchandstandathisside.Hishandrubsthebackofmycalfgoingup,andthenheslipstwofingersintome.“Sitonmyface.”HepullsmetohimandIthrowalegoverhishead,puttingmykneebesidehishead.Hedoesn’twaitformetolowermyselfoverhismouth;instead,hegrabsmyhipswithhishandsandliftshisheadtolickmypussy.Thesecondhistongueslipsintome,allIcandoismoanoutbeforefallingforwardandswallowinghiscock.Isuckhiscockwiththesamerhythmashefinger-fucksme.First,withonefingerandthenwithanother,myhipsrotatingeverytimeheflicksmyclitwithhisthumb.IletgoofhiscockwhenI’montheedgeofcoming.“Rightthere.”Idon’tevenhavethewordstosaywhattodo,theonlythingIcandoisridethewave.HisfingersandtongueseemtobeeverywhereandthenIstartridinghisface.“Travis!”IshoutoutandIcanfeelmypussystartingtoclenchwhenhestopslickingme.“Travis,”Imoanoutasmyfingersslipinsidemyselftopushmeovertheedge
Hereachesoutandripsmyhandaway.Sittingdownonthecouch,heholdsouthishandformeandpullsmetowardhim.“Rideme,”hesaysandIstraddlehiships,holdinghiscockwithoneofmyhandsasIpositionmyselfoverhim,slidingdown.MyhandsgotohishipsasIraisemyselfup,andhetiltshisheadback.Ileanforwardandkisshim,mytongueslidingintohismouth.HistonguewrestlesmineasImoveupanddown,hishandscominguptocupmytits.HerollsmynipplesbetweenhisfingersandallIcandoisletgoofhislipstomoanout.Hishandsgotomyhipsasourlipshoverovereachother.“Harlow.”MyeyeslookintohisasIriseandfallonhiscock.“Iloveyou,”hesaysthewordsI’velongedtohearforIdon’tknowhowlong.
Iputmyhandonhisface.“Iloveyou,too.”Leaningbackdownandkissinghim,itdoesn’ttakemelongbeforeI’mcomingalloverhim.HishandsholdmyhipsasIstopridinghimandhethrustshishipsupward.Hesitsupstraight,wrappingahandaroundmywaistasheliftsbothofusandturnsme,placingmybackonthecouch.Heputsmylegsoverhisshoulders,pushinghimselfdeeperinsideme.Hefucksmeharderandharderwitheachthrust,goingdeeperanddeeper.“Travis,”ImoanouteachtimehehitsmyG-spot.“I’mgoingto.”
“Iknow,baby,”hesays.“Icanfeelit.”Helickshisthumbandpushesdownonmyclitasherubsitfromsidetoside.“Fuck,youaresotight,”isthelastthinghesaysbeforeIcomealloverhiscockagain.Hethrustsbackintometwicemorebeforehecomesrightafterme.
MylegsfallfromhisshouldersandIclosemyeyestogetmybreathingunderway.Hefallsontopofmeandkissesmyshoulderbeforeheburieshisfaceinmyneck.“I,”hepants.“I,”hesaysagainandIcan’thelpbutlaugh.“Ihavenowords.”
“Onethingwedoreallywell,”IteaseasIrubhisbackwithoneofmyhands.“Issex.”
“Yes.”Hekissesmyshoulderagainbeforepeelinghimselfoffme.“Communicationwecanworkon.Sex.”Heshakeshisheadandpullshimselfoutofme.“Wegotthatdowntoperfection.”Hebendstokissmystomachbeforegettingupandwalkingtothebathroom.Hecomesoutasecondlater.“Yourbathroomisempty,”hesays,shocked.“Thereislikeonerolloftoiletpaper.”
“Idon’tusethatbathroom,”Isay,standingup.“SoIpackeditfirst.”
IturntowalktomybedroomandIcanfeelhimfollowingmeandhestopsinhistracks.“Holyshit,it’sempty.”
Ilookaroundtheroomseeingtenboxespackedandlabeled.ThelastweekI’veprettymuchspentallmydaysinmyhouseunlesstherewasanemergency.“I’vebeentryingtogetitalldone.”
“Youreallyweregoingtojustupandleaveandcometome,”hesaysandIputmyhandsonmyhips.
“Wereyounotdoingthesame?”Itiltmyheadtothesideandhejustputshishandsonhiships.“Exactly,”Isay.“Don’tyougetallshyonme.”
Helaughsandcomestome,pushingmeintothebathroom.“Timetotakeashower.”
Idon’tevenarguewithhim,andwhenIfinallygetoutoftheshower,thewaterisicecoldandmyhandsareprunedup.“Idon’thaveanythingfordinner,”Iinformhim,wrappingatowelaroundmyself.Hestepsoutoftheshowerafterme,grabbinghisowntowel.“I’msureIcanwhipsomethingup.”Igrabashirtandignorethewayhetriesnottolaugh.“Icookedlasttimeanditwasfine.”
“Thatwasnotyouwhocookedit,andyouknowit.”Hesmirksatmeandkissesmyshoulder.
“You’reluckyIlikeyou.”Iglareathim,walkingoutofthebathroomandgoingtothekitchen.IopenthefreezerandcheerwhenIseethatIhaveacoupleoffrozenmealsthatmygrandmothermadeforme.Islipthemintotheovenandhearhimwalkingoutoftheroomwearinghisboxers.
“Ifoundtwomeals.Idon’tknowwhattheyarebutmygrandmothermadethem,sotheyshouldbegood,”Iexplain,andhewrapshisarmsaroundmywaist.
“ThenIthinkwearesafe.”Helaughsloud,lettingmegoandthengoingtositdownonthechair.
“Thereisthefamilybarbecue.”Ilookoverathim.“Tomorrowforlunch.”
Iwatchhisfaceandseethenervessettlein.“Well,betternowthanonourweddingday.”Helaughsnervouslyandmyheartspeedsup.InthiswholethingInevereventhoughtaboutwhathappensnext.“Hey,”hesaysandIlookupathim.“Later,”hetellsme.“Tellmewhowillbethere?”
“Prettymuchmywholefamily,”Ishareandhegroansandputshisheadback.
“Good,soeveryonewhowantstoshootmeintheass,”hesaysandIcan’thelpbutlaugh.
“Noteveryone.”Ilookoverathim.“Mygrandmothermightstilllikeyou.”
“Goodtoknow.”Heshakeshisheadandwespendthenight,justus,together.
WhenIpulluptothehousethenextday,thenumberofcarsisstaggering.“Jesus,itlookslikeit’sdoubledsinceIwasherelast.”
“Lotsofkidsgrewup,”Ireply,gettingoutandwalkinginfrontofthecartomeethim.He’swearingbluejeansandawhiteshirtandhelooksjustashandsomeashedidwhenIfirstsawhim.Heslipshishandovermineaswewalktowardthebackofthehouse.
“Oh,look,it’stheBobbseytwins,”Reedsayswhenweseehim.“Didyouguysreallyhavetodressthesametogetthatunited-frontlook?”
Travislaughsandleansdowntokissmyhead.“Iwanttomakesureeveryoneknowsshe’smine.”
AllReeddoesisfakevomitandthenyellsacrossthelawn,“Harlowishereandshebroughtaboy!”Alleyesturntousandhesqueezesmyhandalittletighterthanheshould.HeslapsTravisontheshoulder.“Welcomeback.”HesnickersandthentakesofftofindHazel.
“It’sgoingtobefine,”Imumbleundermybreath.“Thefirstthingwehavetodoissayhellotomygrandparentsandthenworkourwaydownthefamily.”
“Thatsoundslikeaplan,”hemumblesback.“Imean,he’soldernow,sochancesareifheshotme,hewouldmiss.”
Ican’thelpbutlaughaswewalktowardmygrandparentswhoaresittingtogether.“Well,well,well,”mygrandmothersayswithherheadtiltedtotheside.“Lookatwhatthecatdraggedin.”
“Oh,dear,”Isay,suddenlythinkingthatmaybethiswasn’tthebrightestideaI’veeverhad.PerhapsIshouldhaveeasedintoitinsteadofjustjumpingintothedeepestpartoftheriver.
“Hello,”Travisgreetsfrombesideme.“Mr.andMrs.Barnes,goodtoseeyouagain.”
“Isit?”mygrandfatherinquires,leaningbackinhischair.Hewearshisjeansandbutton-downcheckeredshirtwithhiswhitecowboyhatthathenevergoeswithout.Helooksatme,andeventhoughhe’sgotthetoughexterior,Icanseethelightnessinhiseyes.Thereisn’tanythinghewouldn’tdoforhisfamily,evenacceptingTravisafterhehurtme.“Heardyougotmarried.”HeglaresatTravis.Chapter27
Travis
“Hello,”IsaynervouslyfrombesideHarlow.“Mr.andMrs.Barnes,goodtoseeyouagain.”Inodpolitelyandignoretheneedtovomit.Myeyesgofromhergrandmothertohergrandfather.
“Isit?”hergrandfather,Billy,says.Heisthestampofwhatacowboyis.EverysingletimeI’vemethimhe’sworehiswhitecowboyhatandjeans.Healsohasalwaysscaredtheshitoutofme.“Heardyougotmarried.”Heglaresatme.
“Youmusthaveheardwrong,”Isay,thepitofmystomachsinking.
“I’malotofthings,”hereplies,sittingupinhischair.“Buthardofhearingisn’toneofthem.”Hiseyesgoevensmaller,andtheglarewouldhaveanyonequakingintheirboots.
“Oh,please.”IhearlaughterfrombesidehimandturntoseeCharlottejustshakingherhead.“Ittookmesixtimestocallyouforbreakfastthismorning.”
“Dammit,woman,”hesays,chuckling.“I’mtryingtobeserious.”Heleansandkissesherlips.“Hewasscared.”Hepointsatme,andIcan’tdisagreewithhim.
“Oh,please,”Charlottesays,thenturnstome.“Welcomeback.”Shesmilesbig.“Isavedyouthistime.Iwon’tthenext.”
InodatthembothandpickupmyhandthatisinHarlow’sandkissherfingers.“Therewon’tbeanexttime.”
“Well,Ithinkthereareotherpeopleherethatarewaitingtosayhellotous,”Harlowremindsme.“Oratleastaskhimifhe’smarried.”ShehitsmewithherhipandtriestohidethesmilewhileIgroan.
“We’llseeyoulater,”Charlottesays,leaningbackinherchairandlookingout.
Whenwegetfarenoughaway,IlookovermyshouldertoseeBillystillstaringatme.“See,thatwasn’tsobad,”Harlowsaysaswewalkdeeperintotheyard.
“Easyforyoutosay,hedidn’tglareatyou,”Imumbleandthenbumpintoagirlwhoisrunning.Herpigtailsarelopsided,andshesmileswhensheseesHarlow.
“AuntieHarlow.”Shejumpsintoherarms.“Gabrielischasingmeandtellingmethathe’sgoingtotakemynose.”Shecovershernoserightaway,believinghecantakehernose.
“Elodie.”Shesayshername,andmyeyeswiden;whenIsawherlastshewasjustalittlethingjustlearningtowalk.“I’llprotectyou.”ShelooksjustlikeWillow.
Shelooksatme.“Whoareyou?”
“ThisisTravis,”Harlowsays.AssoonasGabrielcomesbehindher,helooksoveratmeandstandstherewithhischestpuffingout.He’sateenagernow,andhe’sdefinitelygottenbigger.
“Mydadcalledyouadingdong,”Elodiesays,andHarlowtriesnottolaugh.
“That’snottrue,”Gabrielsaysfrombehindher.“Hecalledhimadipshit.”
“GabrielMcIntyre,”Harlowsayshisfullname.“Watchthatmouthofyours.”
“Sorry,AuntHarlow.”Heshrugs.“Justpassingalongthemessage.”
“Well,doitkindly.”HarlowkissesElodieonthecheekandputsherdown.
“Howkindlydoyoucallsomeoneadipshit?”Gabrielfoldshisarmsoverhischest,andifhewastatted,hewouldlookexactlylikehisfather,Ethan.
“Ithinkit’sdingdong,”Ijokewithhim,oratleastItryto,andhelaughseventhoughIknowhereallydoesn’twanttolaugh.
“Thereyouare,”Quinnsayswhenhegetsclosetous.“Momhasbeenlookingforyou,”hesaystoElodie,wholeanstowardhimandhetakesherinhisarms.
“Dad,”shesays,andhelooksdownather.“Isdingdongnicerthandipshit?”HiseyesgorightawaytoGabriel.
“Oh,my,”Gabrielsays,tryingnottolaughwhilehegrabshisneck.“Inmydefense,IwasjustrepeatingwhatyousaidaboutTravis.”
“Okay,”Harlowinterjects.“Thisisenough.”ShepointsatGabriel.“Youneedtomakesureeveryoneknowsthathe’snotadipshitandthathewasnevermarried.”
ShethenturnstoQuinn.“YouneedtowatchyourmouthinfrontofpeoplebeforeItellMomthatyouareswearinginfrontofthekids.”Quinnjustglaresather.“Andyou.”Sheturnstome.“I’msorrythatthisisn’taseasyasIthoughtitwouldbe,butI’msurethenexttimewillbebetter.”
“Onecanhope,”QuinnsaysandthenHarlowglaresathim.“Fine,I’llbenice.”Shefoldsherhandsoverherchest.“NicerthanIam.”
“Now”—shelooksatme,andallIcandoissmile—”timetogoseemyparents.”
“AndtothinkIalmostdidn’tcometoday,”Quinnsays.“LetmegofirstandhandDadElodie.Hecan’tshoothimifhehasachildinhisarms.”
Ilaughandlookaroundtoseenoneofthemlaughingwithme.“He’sjoking,right?”IsayasHarlowslipsherhandinmineandturnstowalkawayfromthem
Westopandtalktoacouplemoreofhercousins,andIdogettheglaremoreoftenthannot,butIknowintheendtheyarebeingsomewhatfriendlybecauseofHarlow.Insteadofcallingmeadicktomyface,theyarewaitingformetowalkawaybeforedoingit.“AuntieHarlow.”Sofiarunstoher,andIstopinmytracksatherbeauty.Harlow’sfacegoesintoahugesmilewhensheseesher,andherarmsautomaticallyopenforher.
“Thereismygirl,”shesays,huggingher,andmyheartslowlystartstospeedupwhenIseethemtogether.Sheisgivingallofthisupforme.Iswallowthelumpinmythroat.WewalksidebysideasshetalkstoSofiaabouteverythinggoingoninherlifeinthepasttwodays.Wewalkthroughthegrass,andIsmellthefoodandlookovertoseeherfather,Casey,bythegrillwithhertwouncles,BeauandJacob.
“Herewego,”Imumbletomyselfandseethethreemen,allwithabeerinonehandandspatulasintheotherhand,lookupandglareatme.
“Smellsgood,”Harlowsays,lettingmyhandgowhileshewalksovertoherfatherandkisseshischeek.ShemumblessomethinginhisearwhileshewalksovertoBeauandJacob.
Itakeadeepbreath,seeinghersmilewiththem,andthentheyalllookoveratmeandnodhello.AllbutCasey;hejustbringshisbottletohismouthandtakesanotherpullofhisbeer.Iputmyhandsinmypockets,knowingthatI’mgoingtohavetositdownwithhimeventuallyandgetitallout.I’mmorenervousaboutthatthananythingelse
“Okay,wearegoingtogoandseeMom,”Harlowsays,andInodattheguysandturnaroundtowalkwithher.
“Ican’teatanyofthefood,”Isay,andshelaughs.
“I’lltakethefirstbite.”Shestopswalkingandstandsinfrontofme,wrappingherarmsaroundmyneck.“I’lltakeonefortheteam.”
“Never.”Ishakemyheadandleandownandkissherlips.TheminuteIkissher,everythinginsidemesettles.
“It’sgoingtogetbetter,”sheassuresme,andallIcandoisleandownandkissherneck.Ilethergoandlookovertoseeherfatherwatchingus.Istareathim,nodding,andthenlookingaroundtoseeOliviawithalittlebabyinherarms.HazelsitsnexttoherasIlookbackatCaseytoseehimstillstaringatme.Imotionwithmyheadtotheside,andhejustnodsatme.“Whatthehellwasthat?”Harlowasks.
“That’smefacingthemusic.”Itakeadeepbreath.“Gositwithyourmom,andifI’mnotbackintwentyminutes,comefindme.”IbendtokissherlipsandseethatCaseyiswalkingtowardthebarn.
“Twentyminutes,hecanhaveyoudismemberedandskinned,”shedeadpans,andmyeyeswiden.“I’mkidding.”Sheputsherhandonmychest,andIlookdowntoseethatherhandisverybarewithoutacertainring.
“Iloveyou.”Ipickupherhandandkissthefingerwherearingshouldbe.AfingerthatifIwasn’tsuchanidiotwouldprobablyhavetworingsinsteadofjustone.
“Iloveyoumore,”shesaysandturnstowalkawayfromme.“Don’tlethimscareyou.”
Iputmyhandsonmyhips,shakingmyheadandturningtowalktowardthebarn.Itakealookaroundtoseethatmostofhercousinsareherewiththeirownkids.IstepinsidethebarnandseeCaseystandinginthemiddleofthebarn.Hislegsarespreadshoulderwidthapart,andhisarmsarefoldedoverhischest.IheardarumorthathetrainedwiththeNavySEALsforfun.“Ihavetogiveittoyou.”Hestartstalkingfirst.“Yougotsomebig-assballsshowinguphere.”Helaughs.“Evenmoreballsbyaskingtotalktome.”
I’mabouttosaysomethingwhenIhearsomeonewalkingtowardusandturntoseethatOliviaiscoming.“Harlowsentmeintobethepeacekeeper,”shesays,smilingsidewaysatme.“Icametomakesurethatyou,”shetellsCasey,“keepyourheadcool.”ShewrapsherarmsaroundCasey’swaist,andIwonderifsheisdoingthatsohedoesn’tchargeatme.“Now,whatdidImiss?”
“HewastellingmethatIhavebig,um.”Itrytothinkofthewordthatisbetterthanballs.“ThatIhavesomenerveshowinguphere,andIwasabouttosaythatIhadtodoit,”Ishare.“Mightaswellgetitalloutnow.”Hejustglaresatme,whileOliviajustlooksatme.“BeforeIstartorsayanything,IjustwanttosayI’msorryforhowIacted.”
“Youmeanwhenyouwereadipshit,”hesays,andIhavenochoicebuttolaughloudnow.
“CaseyBarnes,”shesaysbetweenclenchedteeth.
“Yeah,whenIwasadipshitdingdong,”IaddinthewordsElodiesaid.“Inever,everwantedtohurther.Icouldn’tlethergiveupherfamilyforme.”Itakeadeepbreathinandslowlyexhaleit.“IknowhowmuchshelovesherfamilyandthatshehadaplanandIcouldn’tbetheonewhomadeherchangeit.BreakingupwithherwasthesinglehardestdecisionI’veevermade.”
“Whataboutwhenyouaskedsomeoneelsetomarryyou?”hesays,andIknowhe’sgoingstraightforthejugularwiththisquestion,andheisgoingtogetalloftheanswers.
“WhenIbrokeupwithHarlow,ittookmetwoyearsnottohavethispaininmychest.”Ishakemyhead.“WhenImetJennifer,Ilikedherenough,butitwasneverlikeHarlow,andIthoughttomyselfthatwhatIfeltforHarlowwasn’tasbigasIremembered.Ikepttellingmyselfthatitwasallinmyhead.Butonelookatheragain,andit’slike
“Oh,Travis,”Oliviawhispers,wipingthetearfromthecornerofhereye.
“Youdon’tgetit,”Caseysays,hisvoicesofter.“Youwon’tgetituntilyouhaveachildofyourown.Butwewatchedherforthelastfouryearsskidthroughlife.Shewasherewithus,butthelightinhereyeswasgone.Shewouldlaughandsmile,butyoucouldseethatitwasjustafront.It’sthesinglehardestthingwatchingyourkidnotlivinglife.Shehadeverythingsheeverdreamedof,yetshewasmissingsomething.”Heshakeshishead.“Thenamonthago,shegoestoyourwedding,andtheminuteshecameback,andImeanthesecondIsawher,thatlightwasback.Hershouldersdidn’tfallforwardanymore.Hereyeswouldlightupwhenshesmiled.Shewasback,atleastalittlebitofherwas,andthenherplanswouldchange,andyoucouldseethedimcomeback.”Mychestliterallyfeelslikeanelephanthasjustdecidedtositonit.“Shecametomeandaskedmetohelpher,andasherfather,Iwouldhelpherdowhateverthehellshewanted,evenifitwastogobacktoyou.EventhoughIdon’tthinkyoudeserveher.”
“Let’sbehonestforonemoresecond,”Oliviasniffles.“Hewouldthinknoonewasgoodenoughforher.”
Ican’thelpbutlaughather.“Heisn’twrong,”Isay.“Idon’tknowhowIgotasluckyasIdidtogethernottoonlyfallinlovewithmeoncebuttwice.I’mtheluckiestmanintheworldandI’mgoingtospendtherestofmylifemakingsurethatsheknowshowluckyIam.”Ilookdownatmyfeet.“Iknowthatyoudon’tbelievemeandI’vebrokenyourtrust.IknowthatIwon’thaveyourblessingrightnow,butIhopeintimeIwillgetit.”
“Doesthatmeanthatifwedon’tgiveyouourblessing,youwon’taskhertomarryyou?”Caseysays.
“Asmuchasithurtsmetosaythis.”Iswallow,knowingthatifhedidn’twanttoshootmebefore,hemightwanttonow.“I’mgoingtoaskhertomarrymeregardlessofyourblessing.”
“Well,then,”hesays,lookingathiswife,thenlookingatme.“Sinceyouputitlikethat.I’llputitlikethis.Ifyouhurtheragain.”He’sabouttosaysomethingwhenOliviaputsherhandinfrontofhismouth.
“I’llhandyouthegunmyself,”Ideclare,andhethrowshisheadbackandlaughsloud.Chapter28
Harlow
“Travis!”Shelbyyellshisname.“She’shere,”IhearwhenIgetoutofthecarandlookoveratmyparentsparkingbehindme.
“Hey,”Igreet,puttingmyhandovermyeyestoseeherandsmilingwhenTraviscomesoutofthehouse.Hewalksdownthestepsatthesametimethatmyparentsgetoutofthetruck,andmybrotherspullupbehindtheminanothertruck.
“You’rehere,”hesays.Whenhegetscloseenough,heputshishandsonmyfaceandbendstokissme.“Hi,”headdsbetweenkisses.
“Romeo,”Clarabellasaysfrombehindus.“Youwanttogetoutofthewaysowecangetthethingsunpacked.”
“Yeah,thatsoundsgood,”Reedsays,gettingoutofthetruck.“Yougoanddirectusandwewillbringouttheboxes.”
“Um,Harlow,”Presleysays.“Besidestwohotmarriedbrothers,doyouperhapshaveanyavailablecousins?”
IshakemyheadandlaughasIwalkupthestepstowhatmynewhomewillbe.Thispastweekhasbeenbittersweet.I’vesaidgoodbyetomyfamily,andeventhoughIsaidIwasn’tsayinggoodbye,IgotsadthinkingthatIwouldn’tseethemeveryday.Wewalkintothehouse,andIlookaround,seeingitalmostempty.
“OhmyGod,”mymothersaysfrombehindme.“Um,honey.”ShelooksoveratTravis,thenaroundthebareroom.“Didyoulivehere?”sheasks,steppinginjustasshockedasIam.
“Hedid,”Clarabellashares.“Trustme,it’sbetternowthanbefore.”Mymotherlooksathimandthenatmewithtearsinhereyes.
“Whatthehell?”Quinnsays,carryingintwoboxes.“Wereyourobbed?”
“Asifanyonewantedhisstuff,”Shelbysays,laughing.
“Ididn’tknowhowyoufeltaboutmystuff,”Travissays.“SoIgotridofit,andtomorrowwecangoandpickoutallnewstuff.”
“OhmyGod,”myfathersayswhenhehearsmymothersqueal.
“Great,nowyou’vedoneit,”ImumbletoTraviswhenmymotherrushesovertous.
“I’lldoit,”shesays,lookingaround,takingoutherphone.“Leaveittous.It’llbeourpresenttoyou.”
“Youdiditnow,”ReedsaysfrombehindQuinn.“You’vewokenthebeast.”
“You.”MymotherpointsatReed.“Whodidyourhouse?”
“Mom,wehadtobaby-proofglasstables,”hesays,droppingthebox.“Andeverythingwaswhite.”
“Itwasneutral,andit’sfine,”shehissesoutandthenlooksatmyfather.“Youseewhatyoudid.Youdidthis.”Sheputsherhandsonherhips.“Youturnedthemlikethis.”
“Me?”Myfatherpointsathimself.“Howdidthisbecomeaboutme?AllI’mdoingismovingmyonlydaughtersixhoursawayfromme.”
NowQuinnandReedbothgroanout.“Herewego,”Reedgrumbles.“Canweunloadthetruckbeforeitgetsdarkout,becauseIhavetogetbacktothekids.”
Ittakesthemtwohourstounloadalltheboxes,andwhenIturnaround,thereareboxeseverywherethatfurnitureshouldbe.Ihugmyparentsandbrothersandfightbackthetears,tellingthemI’mgoingtogoandseethemnextweek.Whentheyfinallydriveawayfromme,IturnandburymyfaceinTravis’schest.“Don’tcry.”Herubsmyback,andIhearacarpullupinthedriveway.Iturnandseehismothergettingoutofthecar.“Ibroughtfood,”shesays,walkingtothetrunkandtakingouttwotakeoutbags.“Ifiguredyouguyswouldbehungry.”
“Great,”Shelbysays.“ShallIgrabpillowsandwecansitonthefloorandhaveapicnic?”
“Wecansitinthekitchen.Therearestoolsthere,”TravissaysandglaresatShelby.
“We’llmakedo,”Isay,wrappingmyarmsaroundhiswaist.“Also,Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifwecomehometomorrowandthehouseisfullyfurnished.”IwalkintothehouseandwonderifIshouldtackletheboxestodayorstartfreshtomorrow.
“Tomorrow,”Travissays,bendingtokissmyneck,andIshakemyheadandlaughthatheknewwhatIwasthinking.
“I’mstarving,andthereareonlytwostools,”Clarabellasays,grabbingabagfromhermother.“Whatdowehavehere?”Shestartstakingoutthecontainers.“Pasta.”Sheputsitonthecounter.“Chicken.”Shetakesanotheroneout.“Rice,veggies,garlicmashedpotatoes,grilledchicken,andsliders.”
“I’llgogetsomechairsinthegarage,”Travissays,kissingmyneckandwalkingtogetthechairs.
“Therearepaperplatesinthisone,”Shelbysays,grabbingthemandputtingthemonthecounter.
“Doesthiscounttowardourweeklyfamilydinner?”Presleyasks,openingthecontainersforustohelpourselves.“Ivoteyes.”
“Thisisacelebratorydinner,”hismomsays,smilingatme.Shecomesoverandgivesmeahug.“Wearesohappyyouarehere.”
“I’mhappytobehere.”Ismileather,grabbingaplateandfillingit.
“Idon’tthinkwe’veeverhadamealhere,”Clarabellasays,gettingonastool.
“Wehadbreakfastherethedayofhiswedding,”Presleyremindsher,andthenhereyeswidenassheturnstome.“I’msorry.”
Ichuckle.“I’mfinewithit.”Ishrug.“He’stheonewhogetsremindedofit.”Igrabapieceofcarrot.“Weekly.”
“Wehaddinnerhereonhisbirthday,”hismomsays.“Lastyear.”
Ilookdownatmyfood,andIhavethissuddenfeelingofsorrowthatwashesoverme.“Yes,andhehadthelemoncake,”Clarabellasays,moaning.“ThatwasthebestcakeI’vehadinmylife.”
“Idon’tknowaboutyouguys,”Presleystates,andIlookupather.“ButI’mhappythatyouarehere.”
“Thankyou,”Isay.
“It’snotjustbecauseyouarenicer,”Clarabellasays.“Andeasiertotalkto.”Ilookatthem,andthenhismotherclearsherthroat.“What?Youcan’ttellmeyoudon’tseeadifferenceinhim.”
“Thereisahugedifference,”hismothershares.“It’snightandday.EverytimeIwouldinvitehimfordinner,hewouldjustsayyeahandcomealone.NowIaskhimaboutdinner,andhehastocheckwithyou.”
Thetalkingstopswhenhecomesintotheroomwithtwochairs.“That’sallIfound.”
“That’sokay.Icanstand,”Isayandhecomesoverandgrabsaplate,comingtostandnexttomewhenweeat.Thetalkingisfreearoundthetable,andwhenhehelpscleanup,hismothersendshimtothestoretogetmilkforourcoffeetomorrow.ClarabellaandShelbyalsotakeoffwithPresleyfollowingthem
“Areyouokay?”Hismotherlooksatme,andIsmile.“It’sokaytomisshome.”
“Imisshome,”Iadmit.“ButI’mhappierthatI’mhere.”Ilookaroundtheemptyhouse,andIcanseemyselfhavingcoffeeeverysinglemorning.Butmoreimportantly,Icanseeusbuildingourliveshere.
“Areyougoingtobeokaylivinghereinthishouse?”sheasks,andIseehernervouslywringingherhands.“Hewasengaged.”
“Yes,”Iconfirm.“Butshedidn’tlivehere.”
“Thatshedidn’t,”shesays.“Shebarelycamehere.Ithinkshedidonce,andthenshewasgoingtomoveinwhentheygotmarried.”Shelooksdownatherhandsandthenupagain.“Ididn’tthinkI’deverseehimhappyagain.”Sheblinksawaythetearsthatarewellingupinhereyes.“EverytimeIwouldaskhimifhewasokay,hewouldbarkatmethathewasfine,butIknewhewasn’t.”
“Iknowhowthatfeels.Hewasn’ttheonlyonenothappy.”
“Whenhetoldmehewasgettingmarried,Iknewitwasamistake.God,Ifeltitinmybones.Itriedsohardtobesupportive,buttheneverytimetheweddingdiscussioncameup,hejustsaidIdon’tcare,justdowhatever.Whodoesthat?”Sheshakesherhead.“IbetyoueverythingthatIhaveifIaskhimaboutyourwedding,he’sgoingtohavea
Ican’thelpbutsmile.“Idon’tknowJennifer,”Isay.“AndIdon’taskhimanyquestionsaboutitbecausewell,it’sinthepast,butI’mreally,reallyhappythatIgotthatinvitationinthemail.”
Shelooksatme,andIseehereyestwinkle.“I’mreally,reallygladImailedittoyou.”Shewinksatme,andIgasp.“Iknewthatifhesawyou,itwouldchangehismind.”
“WhatifIdidn’tcome?”Iaskher.
“Iwouldhavehadtofakeaheartattack,”shesays,gettingup.“NowI’mgoingtogohomeandcelebratehavingmysonback.”Shestopsnexttome.“Andgettinganewdaughter.”
Ihugher,andthenshewalksoutofthehouse,leavingmeallalone.Walkingovertothefridge,Iopenittoputtheleftoversinitandspotanewjugofmilk.“Oh,wellplayed,”Isaytotheemptyroom.“Wellfreakingplayed.”
IfinishcleaningthekitchenwhenIhearhiscarcomeback.Hewalksinwithtwojugsofmilk.“Dideveryoneleave?”heasks,andInodmyheadathim.Hepullsopenthefridgeandthenspotsthemilk.“Sheplayedme.”
“Thatshedid.”Ilaughandleanagainstthecounter.“Thatshedid.”
“Whatdidshetellyou?”heaskswhenheleansagainsthissideofthecounter
“Noneofyourbusiness,”Iscoffathim.“Ididn’taskyouwhathappenedwithmyparents.”
“IwastoobusycelebratingthefactIdidn’tgetshot,”hejokes,thenlooksatme.“Ihavetotalktoyouaboutsomething.”
“What?”Iasknervously,standingstraightup.
“Well,Iwastalkingtomypartnerstoday,”hestartssaying.“Andwewerediscussingbringinganothervetin.”Myeyebrowsshootup.
“Justlikethat,outoftheblue.”Ifoldmyarmsovermychest,lookingathimandseeingthathe’slying.
“Imean,IdidmentiontothemthatyouweremovinginwithmeafterItookbacktheofferforthemtobuymeout,”heconfesses,andIshakemyhead.“AndIdidmentionthatyouwerewaybetterthanme.”Hecomestomeandpullsmetohim.“AndIalsosaidyouwouldonlydoitifwewouldbeabletohavethesameshifts.”
“Ihavenowords,”Isay.
“Good,youstartintwoweeks.”Hekissesmylips.“Now,canwegoandcelebrateyoumovinginwithme?”Hepicksmeupandthenstopswhenhegetstothestairs.“Shit,”hesays.“Wedon’thaveabed.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyoudon’thaveabed?”Iask,shocked.
“Iassumedthatyouwerebringingyours,”hesays,andIwiggledown.
“Whythehelldidyouassumethat?”Ishriekathim.
“You.”Hepointsatme.“Youalwayssaidhowmuchyouloveyourbed,soIassumedyouwouldbringitwithyou.”
“DidIoncesay,hey,I’mbringingmybed?”Iyellathim.“Notonce.”
“Let’sgo,”hesays,grabbingmyhandandpullingmeoutofthehouse.Helocksthedoor,andIdon’tevenaskhimquestions.Assumingthatwe’llbegoingtoahotelandI’msuddenlysopissedathim.IsitinthecarstewingmadathisidiotnesswhenIseeuspulluptotheplacewherewespenthisweddingnight.
“Whatthehellarewedoinghere?”Iask,lookingoverathim.“Didyouevengetareservation?”
“Don’tneedone.”Heopensthedoorandstepsout,andbeforeIhaveachancetoopenmyowndoor,he’sthere,pullingitopenformetostepout.
“Idon’tthinkyoucanjustshowupwhenyouwantto,”IgrumblewhenIgetoutofthecar,andhefisheskeysoutofhisglovebox.Ilookaround,seeingthatit’sasdarkasitwasthatnight,ifnotdarker,sincetherearenolightsoninthehouse.“Ithinkwearetrespassing.”
Heclosestheboxandthenthecardoor.“Notrespassing,”hesaysbeforewalkingupthesteps.“Thisismyhouse.”Ilookathimwithmymouthhangingopen.“BoughtitfouryearsagowhenImovedback.”Heunlocksthedoor.“Itremindedmeofyou.”
“Youboughtthishouse?”Ipointatthehouse.“Becauseitremindedyouofme,andyouweregoingtospendyourweddingnightinit?”Iglareathim.
“Thatwasnevergoingtohappen,”hetellsme.“Shedidn’tevenknowaboutthishouse.Theonlyoneswhoknewaboutitweremysistersandmymother.”Hepushesopenthedoor.
“Ihavenowordsforyou,Travis,”Isay,bothshockedandlovestruck.
“Ihavethreewordsforyou,”hesays.“Welcomehome,Harlow.”Chapter29
Travis
“Wouldyoustopcallingme?”IhissintothephonewhenIpickitup.Lookingovermyshoulder,IseeifHarlowisthere.It’sabitpastnoon,andIknowshe’llbeupanyminutenow.
“I’monlycallingyoubecausewewanttoletyouknowthatit’sdoneandtoknowwhattimeyou’llbecoming,”Shelbyhissesbackatme,andIlookovermyshouldertoseeHarlowcomingdownthestairsdressedinoneofmyshirts.
“Later,”Iwhisperintothephone.“Justbeready.”Ihangup,puttingthephonefacedownonthecounter.“Morning,”Igreet,andshewalkstomewithoneeyestillclosed.
“Icalledyou,”shesayswithagroggyvoice.“Likethreetimes.”Shewrapsherarmsaroundmywaist.“Whowereyouonthephonewith?”
“Mymom,”Ilietoherandavoidlookingather.“Doyouwantcoffee?”
“Doesabearshitinthewoods?”Sheputsherheadback,andIlookdownatherfaceandshegivesmeashysmile.“Ican’tbelieveit’salreadynoon.”
“Gositonthecouch.I’llbringyoucoffee,”Isayandshewalksintotheadjoininglivingroom.Shewasnotkiddingwhenshesaidthathermotherwouldhavethingsdeliveredthenextday.Bythetimewegotbackfromthecabinthenextmorningandstartedunpacking,thetruckshowedup.Notonlythat,Oliviahadhiredpeopletocomeandstagethehousealongwithunpacktheboxes.Ididn’tevenknowwhattothinkbutinamatteroffourhoursthehouselookedlikeitwasoutofamagazine,andforthefirsttimeitfeltlikeahome.
Imakethecoffeewhileshegetsonthecouchandreachesforoneofthethrowcushions.It’sbeenamonththatwe’vebeenlivingwitheachother,andit’sbetterthanevenIcouldimagine.Shestartedattheclinictwoweeksago,andIwasnotwrong.SheiswaybetterthanIwillprobablyeverbe.ShegoesthroughtwopatientswhileI’mstillwithone.“Howdidyousleep?”Igrabthecupsofcoffeeandwalktowardher.
“BetterifIwokeupwithyoubesidemeandnotacoldspot.”Sheextendsherhandtograboneofthecoffeecupsfromme.Sheputsbothhandsonit,andjustlikeeveryothertime,shesmellsitbeforeshetakesasip.“Sogood.”SheputsherlegsonminewhenIsitnexttoher.“It’sourfirstdayoff.”Sheputsherelbowonthebackofthecouch,leaningherheadonit.“Whatdoyouhaveplanned?”
Iswallowdownandtrytobecool,butthewholetime,mymouthissuddenlydry,andIfeelthatI’mgoingtohavewordvomit.“Ihavetogoandseesomethingatthecabin.Thenwecandowhateveryoulike.”
“I’dlovetogotothefarmersmarket,”shesays.“Someonesaidthattheflowersareamazing.”
“Wecangetdressedandgo,”Isay,takingasipofmycoffee.Mywholebodyisonebignerve.Whenshegetsupandwalksupthesteps,Itrytocalmmyselfdown.
“Ihavetoshower,”shesaysoverhershoulder.“Caretojoinme?”Shewigglesherassjustatouchasshewalksupthesteps,andshedoesnothavetoaskmetwice.Ileavemyhotcoffeeonthetableandrunupthestairstwoatatime,grabbingherfromaroundherwaistandcarryinghertotheshower.
“Isithotout?”Shesticksherheadoutofthewalk-inclosetnaked.Herhairisinawhitetowelonthetopofherhead.“Isitashortsorpantskindofday?”
“Ithinkit’sashortskindofday,”Isay,andshenodsandgoesbackintothecloset.Ittakesherthirtyminutestofinishgettingready.
I’mtextingShelbywhenIhearhercomingdownthestairsandlookoverather.Sheiswearingapairofgreenlinenshortstiedatthewaistwiththesame-coloredbelt.Herwhitespaghettistrapshirthangsperfectlyandistuckedinwiththreebrownbuttons.Shehasneverlookedmorebeautiful;it’scrazy,butit’strue.Herhairhangslowoverhershoulder,andIpushitasidetobendandkisshershoulder.“Areyouready?”Iaskher,andshegrabsherphone,andwewalkout.IsendShelbyaquicktextthatI’mleavingthehouse.
Thesunisshininghighintheskywithoutacloudinsight.Iopenthecardoorforher,andshe’sbusyonherphone.“Whoareyoutexting?”
“Everyone,”shesays,puttingonhersunglasses.“Andnooneisansweringme.”
“Maybetheyarebusy.”Iputthecarindriveandmakethethirty-minuteridetothecabin.Myhearthammerssohardinmychest,Iswearsheisgoingtohearitanyminute.Myhandsgripthewheelsotightmyknucklesarewhite.
Whenwepulluptothecabin,I’mhappyshedoesn’tseethesurpriseIhadmadeforher.Herfaceisburiedinherphoneasshegetsfrustratedthatnooneisansweringher.“Howiseveryoneofftheirphones?”shehuffs,walkingupthesteps,andIopenthedoor.
Shestopswhensheseestherosepetalsatherfeet.“Whatthehellisthis?”sheasks,lookingaroundseeingballoonseverywhere.Shehasashockedexpressiononherface.“Thislookslike.”Shetakestwomorestepsin.“Thenightofyourwedding.”
“Almost.”Smiling,Igrabherhandandpullherupthestairstowardthebed.
“Well,thisiswhereweendedup.”ShelaughsandgaspswhensheseestheMR.&MRS.thatwerenotherethelasttimewecamehere.Shelooksatme.“Whatisgoingon?”
“Comethisway.”Ipullherandwalktothedoorthatleadstothebalcony.Steppingout,IseethesetupexactlyhowitwasthefirsttimeIbroughtherhere.Thepicnicbasketsitsonthecoverandabottleofwhitewinesitsbesideit.
“Whatisgoingon?”Shelooksaroundandputsherhandstohermouth.
“ThisismedoingwhatIshouldhavedonealongtimeago,”Isay,asIpullhertostandinthemiddleoftheblanket.Shelooksatmewithtearsinhereyesasshelaughsandasobcomesoutofher.Sheplacesherhandinfrontofhermouthtostopitbutitcomesoutanyway.“Harlow,”Isay,myvoicetremblingasmuchasherhandinmine.“ThefirstdayImetyou,somethinghappened,”Istarttosayandsniffmyowntearsback.“Youliterallyknockedmeoffmyfeet.”Ismileatherasshewipesthetearsawayfromthecornerofhereyes.“Andthenbysomefuckingmiraclewestartedhangingout.ThatnightwhenIwalkedyouhomefromthebar,theonlythingrunningthroughmyheadwasjustkissher.”Sheputsherhandonmycheeknow,herthumbrubbingbackandforth.“Wehavesomanymemoriestogether.Buttheonethatholdsaspecialplaceinmyheartisrighthere.Rightinthisspot.”Iswallowdownthelumpinmythroat.“Youmightnotrecognizethisplace.Butit’stheplaceIfirsttoldyouIlovedyou,”Isayandshegaspsandlooksaround.“Thetimewhenyoupromisedmetobehereonthebestdayofmylife.ThewholetimeIpicturedthisveryminute.”Ismileatherandgetdownononekneeinfrontofherandherhandsgotohermouthasshecriesandflipsherheaddown.“WhenIcamebackhome,Iboughtthislandandbuiltthiscabin,knowingthatitwastheonlythingIhadofyouleft.Harlow,fouryearsagoIletyougoanditwasthesingleworstmistakeofmylife.Butfatehadotherplansandtheuniversebroughtyoubacktome.Idon’tknowwhatIdidtodeserveyou,andIpromiseyouthatIwillspendtherestofmylifeshowingyouhowmuchIloveyou.”Igrabtheredsquareboxthathasbeenweighinginmypocketforthelastmonth.Iopenitandturntoshowher.“HarlowBarnes,willyoumarrymeandmakemethehappiestmanintheworld?”
“OhmyGod,”shegasps.“Isthatmymother’sring?”
“Itis,”Iconfirm.“Iaskedthemforyourhandinmarriageatthebarbecuethefirsttime,”Isay,andhershouldersshake.“Itwasalotmoreintensethanthat,butyourmothercalledmethedayafterandaskedtoseeme.Shetoldmeitwouldbeherhonortohaveyouwearherring.”Ilookdownatthering.“Ifyoudon’tlikeit,wecangetyouanotherone.”
“Iloveit.”
“Soisthatayes?”Ismileupather,mywholebodycrawlingoutofmyskin.
“Thereisn’tanyotheranswer,”shetellsmeasshecomestomeandgrabsmyfaceinherhands.“Bytheway,thisisthelasttimeyouproposetoanyone.”Shelaughswithherlipsonmine.
“Well,consideringIneverproposedthefirsttime,itseemsfitting.”Itaketheringoutofthebox.Sheholdsherhandoutforme,andIslidetheringonherfinger.“Iloveyou.”Igrabheraroundherwaistandturnherinacircle,andhere,rightwhereshepromisedtobethebestdayofmylife,shefulfillsherpromisetome.Chapter30
Harlow
Hewrapshisarmsaroundmywaistandspinsmeinacircleashislipsfalltomine.“Iloveyou,”Ivowbetweenlaughterandtears,myhandonhisface.“Ican’teven,”Isaywhenheputsmedown.Ilookdownattheringthatusedtositonmymother’shand.Ishakemyhead,notsureI’mactuallyawake,ormaybethisisadream.“I’m,”Istarttosayandjustcomeupspeechless,myeyesneverleavingthering.“Ican’t.”IlookupatTravis.“Mymothergaveyouthisring?”Iask,notevenabletocomprehend,andhenodshishead.“ForaslongasIcanremember,myfatherwouldbuyherjewelry,andtheonethingsheneverevertookoffwasthisring.”
“Well,shewantedyoutohaveit,andIdidn’treallywanttotakeit,butthenshesaidwhenshedies.”Andassoonashesaysthat,Igroanoutbecauseofcoursemymotherwouldthreatenwithdeath.“Yeah,well,it’sgoodtoknowthatmymotherisn’ttheonlyonewhousesthatexcuse.”
“Thereisjust.”Ishakemyhead.“TherearesomanyquestionsIhave.”
“Ofcourse,youdo,”hesays,leaningdownandkissingmyneck.Thephonebuzzesinhispocket.“AskawaybutknowthatmysistersfoundoutIwasdoingthistoday,andwell,ifIdon’tanswerthemorgoseethem,theywillcomehere.”
Ilaugh,andIhavetosayIdon’tthinkI’veeverbeenthishappyinmywholelife.Notwhenweweretogether,notwhenwegotbacktogether,notanyothertime.“Well,one,isthisreallytheplacewhere.”Ilookaroundtryingtofindaspotthatremindsmeofthattime.
“Itis,”hesays,lookingaroundalso.“Myparentsowntheland,andwell,whenwebrokeup.”
“Whenyoudumpedme,”Icorrecthim,andhejustglaresatme.“Goon.”
“IusedtocomeandsitherebymyselfandthenIjustaskedmymotherifIcouldbuildahousehere,soIdid,”heexplains,lookingaround.“Itwasmyescapefromtheworldandtheonlyplacethatwasmine.”
“ButyouweregoingtobringJenniferhere.”IknowIshouldn’tcare.Iknowthatit’sinthepast,butwell,I’magirlandthat’stheshitwedo.
“Iwasnevergoingtobringherhere,”heassuresme,shakinghishead,andIdon’tknowwhybutIfeelsuddenlyhappierknowingthatthisisjustours,whichisstupid.“Mysistersdidallthat.Ibookedusaroomatthehotel.”
“But,”Istarttosayandhisphonebuzzesagain.Hetakesouthisphone,turningitandmakingmeseeit’shismom.“Let’sgo.”
“Areyousure?”hesaystome.“Wedidn’t.”HemotionswithhisheadtowardthebedandIgasp.
“YouthinkI’mgoingtohavesexwithyouknowingyoursistersandmotherarewaitingforus?”Ishakemyhead.“Andthenshowupallrosycheeksandthensheknowsforsurewehadsex.”
Iwalkintothehouse.“Sheknowswehavesex,”hetellsmefrombehindme.“Butwecancomebackhereafter,then.”
“Deal,”Iagree,lookingaroundatallthedecorations.“It’ssopretty,muchprettierthanitwasthelasttime.”Ilaugh.
“Wewerealsodrunk,”hefillsinandIslipmyhandinhisaswewalkoutofthehouse.“Ican’ttellyouhowfreeIfeel,”hesaystome.“Thatboxwasprettyfuckingheavyinmypocketforthelastmonth.”Istopmidstep
“Youhadthisforthelastmonth?”Igasp,shocked.“But,”Istarttosayandhecomesbackovertomeandgrabsmyfaceinhishands.
Hiseyesaresocrystalgreenandlight,histhumbsrubmycheeks.“ItwasthehardestsecretIhadtokeep.EverysinglenightIwaslike,justdoit,askher.ButthenIwantedtodoitright.Ithadtoberight.”
Iputmyhandsonhiships.“Itwasperfect,”Iwhisperrightbeforehislipsfallonmine.IhearhisphonebeepagainandIcan’thelpbutlaughloudwhenhegroans.
“I’mgoingtoblockthemall,”hepromises,walkingtothecarandopeningthedoorforme.“Assoonaswegetthere.Blockallofthem.”HelooksatmewhenIsitinthecar.“YoucanhelpmesinceI’veneverblockedanyoneinmylife.”
“Don’truinthisdayforme.”Iglareathim.“Youbrokeupwithmeandwasengagedtoanotherwoman.”
“Touché.”Helaughs,closingthedoorandwalkingaroundthecar.Igrabmyphoneandcallmymother,wantingtosharethenewswithher.
SheanswersafterthreeringsandIcanhearcommotioninthebackground.“Hello!”sheshoutsout.
“Mom,”Isay,lookingdownattheringonmyfinger.“Ihavesomenews.”
“Oh,Harlow,”shepants.“Youcaughtmeatabadtime.I’msettingupsomethingwithyourfather.CanIcallyouback?”
Ilookdownatthephonewhenshedisconnectswithouttellingmeshelovesme.“Whatinthehellisgoingondownthere?”Ishakemyheadandlookaroundtoseethatweareatthereceptionarea.
“Mysistersaresettingupforaweddingtomorrow,”hesaysandIopenthedoor,gettingout.
“Ihavetosay.”Iwaitforhimtocomeovertomysideandslidemyhandintohis.“Iexpectedyourmothertorushthecar.”Helaughsandshakeshisheadwhilewewalkupthesteps.
“Shemustbebusy,”hesays,openingthedoorformeandIstepin.Thesoundofpeopleshoutingscaresmeandittakesmeacoupleofsecondstowonderwhatisgoingon.
Myparentsarethereinthefrontwithhisfamilyandbehindthemiseveryonefrommyfamily,andImeaneveryone.IputmyhandinfrontofmymouthandsoboutwhenIseethem.“Whatisthis?”Iask,butIdon’thaveachancetoanswerhimbecausemymothercomestome.
“Youdidn’tthinkthatyouwouldgetengagedandwenotbehere,”sheaccuseswithtearsrollingdownhercheeks.“Congratulations,sweetheart,”shesaysbetweentears,takingmeinherarms.IfeelmyfatherputhisarmsaroundusandIlookupathim,andallhecandoissmileatme.
Myheadspinsaroundandaroundaseveryonecomestomeandcongratulatesme.Mygrandfatherkissesthetopofmyhead,justlikehealwaysdoes,whilemygrandmotherdabshereyes.“Ican’tbelieveeveryoneishere,”Isay,lookingoveratTraviswhoiswatchingwithahugesmileonhisface.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidallthis.”
Heholdsuphishand.“Areyoukiddingme?”Shelbysays,comingtogivemeahug.“Hewaslikegroomzilla.”
“Iwasnot,”hehissesandClarabellalooksathimandfoldsherarms.
“Irefusetoevenhelpyougetmarried,”shetellshim.“Sorry,Ijustcan’t.Hecalledusfifteentimesaday.”Sheshakesherhead.“Aday,”sherepeats.
“Iwantedittobeperfect,”hesays.
“Well,itwouldn’tbeperfectwithoutus,”Ihearsomeonesayandturntoseeallofourcollegefriends.Ibend,laughingandclappingmyhands,andIcan’thelpthelaughterthatcomesoutofme.
“OhmyGod,”IsaywhenRachelcomesovertomeandhugsme.“Ican’tbelieveyouguysarehere.”
“Hedidn’treallygiveusachoice,”LydiarepliesandIjustlookatTravis.
“Itwouldn’tbethesamewithouttheseassholes,”hestatesandBennettcomesoverandhugshim.
“Congrats,buddy,”hesaysandthencomesovertome.“Ifyouwant,wecangobehindthebarafterandhaveanotherrace.”Thelaughtercomesoutofmerightawaywheneveryonemovesawayfromus,goingtotheirplacesandIfinallyseeallthedecorationsthattheyputup.Thereareroundtableseverywherewithwhitelinentableclothsandsmalllightpinkrosebouquetsareinthemiddleofthetables.Whitesheersheetsarehangingfromtheceilings,goingfrombeamtobeamwithlittletealights,makingitmagical.
“Thisissoperfect,”Isay,lookingaround.
“Wehaveadressforyoutochangeinto,”Presleysays.“Courtesyofyourmother.”
“Iwouldexpectnothingless.”Ichuckleandseemymothercomingtowardus.
“Areyoureadytochange?”sheasksandInodmyhead,walkingtothebackoftheroomwherethechangingroomsare.
IstepinandItrytoquietmybrainthatisyellingatme.Isitdowninthechairandlookaroundatthebeautifulblushpinkdressthatmymotherpickedoutforme.“What’swrong?”Travisnoticesmychangeofmoodrightaway.
“Um.”Ilookaroundtheroomatmymother,whostandstherewithShelby,Clarabella,andPresley.“Everyoneishere,right?”Iaskherandshelooksatmestrangely.“IthinkIsaidhellotoeveryonebutitwasabitofashock,soI’mnotsureanymore.”
“Everyoneishere,”mymothersaysandthenIturntoTravis.
“Ifthisistoomuch,wecanstayinourclothesandjustpretendit’sabarbecue,”hesaysandhiseyesarecloudedoveratouchasworrycovershisface.
“Iwasthinking,”Isayandputmyhandonmystomach.“Whatifwegotmarried?”
“Well,that’stheplan,”heannouncestomewithasmile.
“No,Imeannow,”Isay,lookingateveryoneintheroom.“Everyoneweloveisinthatroom,sowhynotjustgetmarriednow?”IlookatTravis,whodoesn’tsayanything.“Imean,unlessthisistoomuchforyou?”Mystomachsinkswhenhedoesn’tsayanythingandthenasmilejustbreaksoutonhisface.
“Ibetyourfatherthatthiswouldhappen.Iowehimahundreddollars.”
“What?”Iask,shocked.
“Yourfathercalledthis,”mymothersays,grabbingmebythehandandpullingmeoutoftheroomanddowntowardanotherroom.Brideiswritteninthemiddleofthedoor.“You.”ShepointsatTravis.“Youcan’tcomeinhere.”
“Ihavealreadyseeneverything,”Travisadmitsandmymotherglaresathim.
“Wetoldhimnotto,”ClarabellasaysfrombehindmeandnowIturn.“He’stheworst.Like,theabsoluteworst.”ShelooksatTravis.“Theworst.”
Mymotheropensthedoorandthereinthemiddleoftheroomisamannequinwithmyweddingdressonit.“Wehavefiveotherdresses,”mymothersays.“Butthisone.”
Iwalkovertoitandpickupthesheersleeves,seeingthatthereareembroideredflowersallthewayuptotheshoulders.Theembroideredflowersarealloverthedressasithugsthemannequin,andthenkicksoffatthekneewithtulleandthentheedgeofthebottomhasbigembroideredflowers.Myhandtouchesthefabricandthetearscometomyeyes.“Thisis,”Istarttosay.“It’sbeautiful.”Mymotherdoesn’tsayanything;instead,allshedoesiswipeawaythetearthatiscomingoutofthecornerofhereye.
“Wetookalittlepieceofmydress,”shetellsme.“AndthenthereisalittlebitofGrandma’s.”ShepicksupthesleevesandIseethatsomeoftheflowersarebeigebutyoucan’teventell.
“Buthowdidyou?”Iaskherandshetiltsherheadtothesidelike,areyouevengoingtoaskmethat.“Youprobablyhadthisdonethedayheaskedyouifhecanmarryme.”
Shelaughs.“Justabout.”
“Okay,”Ideclare,lookingaroundtheroomateveryone.“Let’sgetmarried.”
“She’sserious,”Shelbysays,hereyesgoingbig.“You’reserious.”
“Asseriousasfliesonshit,”Iconfirm,andmymothergroansaseveryonelaughs.
“Seriously,that’sthebestyoucando?”
“Whatdoyousay?”IlookoveratTravis.“Wanttobemyhusband?”Hewalkstome,standinginfrontandlookingdownintomyeyes.
ThismanwhoIfellinlovewith,whothenbrokemyheartandthenjustlikethat,mendeditbacktogetheragain.Themanwhoeveryfairytaleismadeof.Themanwhomakesmystomachflutter.Themanwhomakesmesmileandfrown.ThemanwhoIknowIwilllovefortherestofmylife.ThemanwhoIwanttohavebabieswithandIwanttositonthefrontporchwith,holdinghishandforever.Themanwhoismyeverything.“ThereisnothingelseI’dratherdothanmakeyoumywife.”Hekissesmesoftly
“Thenit’ssettled,”Isay,lookingathissisters.“We’regettingmarried.”EpilogueOne
Travis
Tenmonthslater
“So,whenthedoctorsaidtoslowdown.”IlookoveratHarlow,whohasherbacktomeasshewritesdownsomethinginthechart.“Youthoughtthatwouldmeanspendingtwelvehoursonyourfeet?”
Iputmyhandsonmyhipsassheturnsaround,andIseetheroundnessofherstomach.“Well,one.”Sheholdsupherfinger.“Iwassittingmostoftheday.”Sherubsherstomach,andIcan’tputintowordswhatitfeelsliketobemarriedtoher.Everyfuckingday,Ithanktheuniverseforgivingherbacktome.Andnowthatshe’scarryingourbaby,Icouldn’tlovehermore.Imean,everyday,Ilovehermoreandmore.“Andtwo.”Sheglares,andallIwanttodoissitonthecouchwithherandrubherfeet.“I’mfine.Besides,Ihavetwoweeksleft,andI’llbeonmaternityleaveforatleastthreemonths,”shesays,andIknowthatshe’llgetitchyaboutcomingbackaftertwomonths.
“Okay,butIthinkthatyouarepushingitjustatouch.”Itrytoreasonwithher,butIknow,intheend,she’sgoingtodowhatshewantstodo.Justliketheso-calledengagementpartythatturnedintoawedding.Itwasthebestnightofmylife,watchingherwalkdowntheaislewithherparentsbesideher.Ihaveneverfeltcalmerandsureraboutanythinginmylife.
“Didyoucomeinheretoarguewithme,ordidyoubringmeasnack?”Shecocksherhipandthenstandsstraightagain,andIseeherfacetryingtohidesomething.
“Whatjusthappened?”Iaskherassherubsherbelly.
“What’swrongisthewholedayifImovedtoomuch,Iwouldgetthispaininmylowerback.Yourchild”—shepointsatherbelly—”isbeingdifficult.”
Iwalktoherandputmyhandsonherstomachandsquatdown,kissingherstomach.“Hey,lovebug,”Isaytoherstomach.“CanyougoeasyonMom?”
“I’mtellingyouit’saboy.”Shelooksdownatme.“Ithastobe.”
“Oritcouldbeastubborngirl,justlikehermomma,”Itease,gettingupandkissingherlips.
Whenwefoundoutwewerepregnant,thedoctoraskedusifwewantedtoknowthesex,andHarlowwasadamantaboutnotknowing.
“Aretheretwoarmsandtwolegs?Doesthebabylookhealthy?That’sallthatmatters.”
“Ouch,”shesaysandwincesandthenholdsherstomach.“Thatwasasharpone.Kidmustbeonmynerveorsomething.”
Iputmyhandonherstomach,andit’srockhard.“Howlonghaveyoubeenhavingthesepains,Harlow?”
Sheavoidsmyeyes.“Idon’tknow.It’snotlikeIwastimingthem,”shehuffsandthenfinallylooksatme.“Imighthavemaybe,”shestartstosay.“Perhaps.”Sherollshereyes.“Probablydidtoomuchtoday.”I’mabouttosaysomethingwhenhereyeswiden,andthenIlookdowntoseeherscrubswet.“OhmyGod,”shesaysandlooksdownalso.“OhmyGod.”
“Isthatpee?”Iaskher,mywholebodygoingonalert.“It’sokayifit’spee.”
“It’snotpee,”shestates,herfacegoingwhite.“AtleastIdon’tthinkit’spee,”shesays,andthenIhearthewatersplashontothefloor.“Notpee.”
“Areyousure?”Iaskher,myheartstartingtobeatevenfasterwhileItrytokeepcalm.
“Areyoufreakingkiddingmerightnow?”shehissesatmeandthenwincesassheholdsherstomach.“YouthinkIpeerivers,”shesaystherestthroughclenchedteeth.
“Okay,one.”Iholdupmyhandasshehissesandpants.“That’s,I’mprettysure,acontraction.”
Shewaitsuntilthepainpasses.“YoureallyarelikeEinstein.”ShetakesonestepandthenalmostfallsandIsweartoGodmylifeflashesbeforemyeyes.“I’mfine.”
“Don’tfreakingmove.”Ipointatherandthengetmyphoneout.
“Whothehellareyoucallingrightnow,Travis?”Shetriestotalknormally,butIcantellshe’shavinganothercontraction.
“I’mstartingthephonechain,”Ideclare.“Yourfatherjuststartedtolikeme.”
“Helikedyouabitafterwegotmarried.”Shesmilesthroughthepain,tryingtobestrong.“Thenyouknockedmeup.”
“Hey,it’sme,”IsaywhenCaseyanswersthephone.“It’shappening.”
“Whatdoyoumeanit’shappening?”heasks,andIcanhearhimrunning.“It’shappening!”hescreams,andIhearwhatIthinkisOlivia.“Whereareyou,atthehospital?”
“No,herwaterjustbroke,”Isay,andhehissesout.
“Andthefirstthingyoudidwascallme?”heshrieks.“Getmydaughtertothehospital.Wearegoingtobetherewithintwentyminutes.”Hehangsup,andIlookatthephone.
“Howaretheygoingtobehereintwentyminutes?”Iask,andshehasanothercontraction.
“Youthinktheywouldn’trentahousehere?”shereplies,shakingherhead.“AndI’mnotgoingtopressureyouoranything,butIthinkweneedtogettothehospital.”
Ispringintoactionandgotoher,pickingherup.“Callmymother,”IsayasIcarryherout.
Herhandisonherstomach,andIpanicwhenshelooksatmeandsays,“Idon’tfeelwell.”
“Shouldwecallanambulance?”Iaskher,eventhoughI’mstillputtingherinthecar.
“Itwillbeabouttenminutes,andIcanhaveyouthere,”Isay,andshenods.
“Travis,”shesays.“Youhavetohurry.”
Irushtomyside,andImakeittothehospitalinundersixminutes,thedriveablur.IknowthatIhonkedsomanytimesatonepointIjustkeptmyhandonit.Idouble-park,runningintogetawheelchairwhenIhearheryelling.“Travis!”ShecallsmynameandIrushbacktoher.“Ifeelsomuchpressure.”
“JesusChrist,”Isayasthesecurityguardhelpsmegetherinthechair,thewholetimeshe’syellingaboutitburning.
Heradiossomeoneinsideandthenlooksatme.“Someonewillbewaitingforyouatthesixthfloor.”
Irushinsideassheputsherheadbackandplacesherhandsonherstomach,cryingoutinpain.“Ithurts.”IfeellikeI’minadazeasIspeeddownthewhitehallwayandfindtheelevatorwaitingforuswithanothersecurityguard.Ipresssix,andittakesuswhatfeelslikeaneternitytogettothesixthfloor,andtwonursesaretherewaitingforus.
Theywheelherintotheroom,askingherquestions.“Howfarapartarethecontractions?Whendidyourwaterbreak?Didyouloseamucusplug?”AndallIcandoisstandhereinshockasmyfiercewifebreaksdownandcriesinpain.
Theygetheronthebed,andwhentheycutthescrubsoffher,allIseeisblood,andI’mabouttolosemyshitwhenthedoctorwaltzesinlikenothing.“She’scrowning,”oneofthenursestellsmeandthensmilesatme.“Comeandhelpher.”Iwalktothesideofthebed,afraidtotouchanythingorhurther
“Harlow,”Isaytoherasanothercontractionripsthroughher.
“Breathe,”IcoachjustliketheytaughtmeintheLamazeclass.“Lookatme,”Iurgesoftly.“Breathe.”Shenodsatme,andIcanseeherholdingherbreathandinfactnotbreathing.
“Okay,weneedtogetheranIV,”thenursesayswhenthecontractionfinishes,andshelooksatHarlow.“Let’sgetyoureadytomeetyourbaby.”Shenodsherheadandhasenoughtimetotakeoffhertopandbrabeforeanothercontractioncomes.
“Okay,”thedoctorsays.“Nextone,whydon’tyoutrytopush?”
“ButIneeddrugs,”Harlowannounces,andthedoctorlaughsandthenonelookatHarlow,andhestops.
“It’swaytoolateforthat,”heexplains,andsheputsherheadbackandsobs.
Iholdherhandandpushherhairfromherface,mystomachinmythroatasIworryforbothofthem.“Youcandothis,”Ireassureher,andshejustshakesherhead.
“Mymom,”shecries.“Iwantmymom.”
“What’shernameandnumber?”thenurseasks,walkingaroundandgrabbingthephone.WegiveherOlivia’snumber,andthenwehearhertalking.“Hi,thisisLara.I’manurseforlaboranddelivery.WehaveHarlow,andshewaswonderingifyouwereclose.”ShelistenstoOlivia.“We’llsendsomeonetogetyou.”Sheputsthephonedownandpagessomeoneelse,andIfeelsohelplessandoutofsorts.
Twominuteslater,Oliviacomesintotheroom.“Mom,”Harlowcries,andOliviarushestoherbedside.“It’sgoingtobeokay,”shecomforts,andthenshelooksatme.“Travisishere.You’regoingtobefine.”
“Iwantdrugs,”shesays,moaningasacontractioniscoming.
“Okay,Iwantyoutopush,”thedoctorsaysandstartstocount.IholdherhandinmineasIcountwithher.Sheisawarrior,andfourpusheslater,thesoundofcryingfillstheroom.ThedoctorplacesthebabyonHarlow’schest,andallshecandoissobout.ThetearsrundownmyfaceandOlivia’s.“Wehaveaboy,”thedoctorsays,andallIcandoisleandowntokissHarlow’sheadandlookatourbabyboy.
“It’saboy,”shesays,kissinghim.“He’ssobeautiful.”
“You’rebeautiful,”Isayasthisoverwhelmingfeelingcomesthroughme.It’safeelingthatfillseveryveininyourbody.It’safeelingthatyouwillneverforget.It’safeelingofalovesopurethatnothingcouldeverbecomparedtoit.“Thankyou,”Isaytoher,kissingherlips.“Forbeingmine.”EpilogueTwo
EpilogueTwo
Harlow
Sixmonthslater
“Whatisallthisfussingabout?”IwalkintotheroomandseeLeo’sfeetandhandsmovingupanddownashecries.Hestopscryingforasecond,andthenwhenheseesme,hestartsagain.Hiseyescloseastwobigtearscomeout,andIhavetolaughwhileIscoophiminmyarmsandkisshischubbycheeks.“Nownow,”Isoothe,rubbinghisbackashesighsoutincontentment,thetearsnowathingofthepast.“DidDaddyjustputyoudowninthecribandexpectforyoutofallasleeponyourown?”IaskwhileIwalkovertotherockingchair.“Thenerveofhim,”IsayasIpulldownmytopandofferhimmybreast.Hemoveshismouthbackandforthbeforefindingmynippleanddoingahugedeepsigh.“Thereyougo.”
“Inmydefense,”Travissays,andIlookuptoseehimleaningagainstthedoorframe,hislegscrossedathisankles.Hisgrayshortshanglowonhiships,andhe’sevenhotternowthathe’smyhusband.“HetookabottlenoteventhirtyminutesagoandwassleepingwhenIlefthim.”Everythingabouthimturnsmeon,andImeaneverything.Ithoughthavingababywouldslowdownoursexdrive,butitjustmadeuscraveeachothermore.Thatandthefactwehavetomakeeverysecondcount.Ican’ttellyouallthetimesthatwehadtoputitonpausebecauseLeodecidedthathewasdonenappingorjustbeingquiet.
IsmileathimandlookdowntoseethatLeo’seyesaregettingheavierandheavierashefallsasleep.“Well,heneededasnack,then.”
“Oryoujustcan’thearhimcry?”HechucklesandstandsashedragshishandthroughhishairthatisstillwetfromtheshowerIlefthiminnottoolongago.
MynippleslipsoutofLeo’smouth,andIpullmyshirtbackup,gettingupandplacinghimbackdowninthemiddleofthecrib.“Sleeptight,myprince.”Ibendandkisshimlightlyonthecheek.
Turningtowalkbymyhusband,mystomachstillflutterswhenI’mcloseenoughtohimtosmellhim.Ileanupandkisshisneckrightwherehisheartbeatis.“Doyouwanttopickupwhereweleftoff?”Iask,wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneck.
“IthinkIrememberwherewewere.”Hishandsgotomyhipsashepicksmeup,andmylegsgoaroundhiswaist.“Ithink.”Hestartskissingmyneck.“Thatyouhadalotfewerclotheson.”
“Yes,”Iagree,mywholebodyreadyforhimtotouchmeanywherehewantsto.“Ialsothinkthatyourfacewasalittlebitmoresouth.”
“Youmeandownunder?”hejokeswithmeashethrowsmeonthebed,andhe’sabouttogetexactlywherehewasbeforewhenhisphoneringsfromthebedsidetable,makingusbothmoan.
“Nextweekend,”hesays,rollingoverandgrabbingthephone.“I’mgoingtoaskyourfathertobabysit,andwearegoingtogoawayfortwenty-fourhoursandhaveallthesex.”
Igetuponmyelbowsandlaugh.“Justwhatmyfatherwilllovetohear.Didn’thejuststartlikingyouagain?”IrollmylipswhenTravisglaresatme,grabbinghisphonethatringsagain.
“I’mgoingtosayyouneedabreak.”Heshakeshishead.“Oh,great,agroupFaceTime.”Hepressesthegreenbuttonandsitsdownonthebednexttomeasthecirclegoesaroundandaround.WejointhechatatthesametimeasClarabella.“Whatisit?”Travisgrumblesoutwhileweseetwomoreiconsstartingtojoin.
“I’mwaitinguntilweareallon,”Shelbysays,andIcanseethathereyeslooklikeshe’sbeencrying,buthereyessparkle.“Gosh,whathasyouinsuchagreatmood?”sheasksTravis,whojustgrumbles.
“Someonesoundsliketheyhaveblueballs,”Clarabellateasesandlaughsatherownjokewhenhermotherjoins.“Mom,TravisismeantomebecauseweinterruptedhimandHarlowwhentheyweremakingsexytime.”
“Wewerenot,”Iquicklycutin.
“Howcantheymakesexytime?”hismothersays.“It’ssixthirty.”
“CanwefocusonwhyI’mFaceTimingeveryone?”ShelbyasksassoonasPresleyjoins,anditlookslikeherhairisallovertheplace.
“Someoneelsewashavingsexytime,”Clarabellasayswhenshepoints.
“I’mhangingup,”Travissays.
Shelbyyells,“No!
“Guys,”shesaysandholdsupherhand,shockingusall,“I’mgettingmarried.”
DearestLove,
Anotherweddingseasonisuponus,anditlookslikeourveryownShelbywillbewalkingdowntheaisle.Orwillshe?
Itseemsthataverysuspiciouse-mailiscominginrightbeforeshewalksdowntheaislethatcanchangeeverything,especiallysinceit’snotmeantforher.
XOXOBooksByNatashaMadison
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