Mine To Take Small town second chance sports romance. (Southern Weddings Book 5)

minetotake
natashamadisoncopyright
Copyright?2023NatashaMadison.E-Book,AudioandPrintEdition
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orbyanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,withoutpermissioninwriting.
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,placesandincidentsaretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfactiously,andanyresemblancetoanyactualpersonsorlivingordead,eventsorlocalsareentirelycoincidental.
Theauthoracknowledgesthetrademarkstatusandtrademarkownersofvariousproductsreferencedinthisworkoffiction,whichhavebeenusedwithoutpermission.Thepublication/Useofthesetrademarksisnotauthorized,associatedwith,orsponsoredbythetrademarkowner.
CoverDesign:JayAheerhttps://www.simplydefinedart.com/
EditingdonebyJennySimsEditing4Indies
EditingdonebyKarenHrdickaBarrenAcresEditing
ProofingJulieDeatonbyDeatonAuthorServiceshttps://www.facebook.com/jdproofs/
ProofingbyJudy’sproofreadingwww.judysproofreading.com
Coverpictureby:Britt&BeanPhotographyhttps://www.brittandbean.com/booksbynatashamadison
SouthernWeddingSeries
MineToKiss
MineToHave
MineToHold
MineToCherish
MineToLove
MineToTake
MineToPromise
MinetoHonor
MineToKeep
MadeForSeries
MadeForMe
MadeForYou
MadeForUs
MadeForRomeo
MadeForStone
TheOnlyOneSeries
OnlyOneKiss
OnlyOneChance
OnlyOneNight
OnlyOneTouch
OnlyOneRegret
OnlyOneMistake
OnlyOneLove
OnlyOneForever
SouthernSeries
SouthernChance
SouthernComfort
SouthernStorm
SouthernSunrise
SouthernHeart
SouthernHeat
SouthernSecrets
SouthernSunshine
ThisIsSeries
ThisIsCrazy
ThisIsWild
ThisIsLove
ThisIsForever
HollywoodRoyaltySeries
HollywoodPlayboy
HollywoodPrincess
HollywoodPrince
SomethingSoSeries
SomethingSoRight
SomethingSoPerfect
SomethingSoIrresistible
SomethingSoUnscripted
SomethingSoBOXSET
TemptSeries
TemptTheBoss
TemptThePlayboy
TemptTheHookup
TemptTheEx
Heaven&HellSeries
HellandBack
PiecesofHeaven
Heaven&HellBoxSet
LoveSeries
PerfectLoveStory
UnexpectedLoveStory
BrokenLoveStory
MixedUpLove
FauxPas
UntilBrandoncontents
FAMILYTREE’sfor:SouthernWedding,theSouthern,SOMETHINGSO,THISIS,ONLYONE&MADEFOR
Prologue
1.Sofia
2.Matthew
3.Sofia
4.Matthew
5.Sofia
6.Matthew
7.Sofia
8.Matthew
9.Sofia
10.Matthew
11.Sofia
12.Matthew
13.Sofia
14.Matthew
15.Sofia
16.Matthew
17.Sofia
18.Matthew
19.Sofia
20.Matthew
21.Sofia
22.Matthew
23.Sofia
24.Matthew
25.Sofia
26.Matthew
27.Sofia
28.Matthew
29.Sofia
30.Matthew
EpilogueOne
MeetNatashaMadison
AlsobyNatashaMadison
FREEBOOK!aboutminetotake
SofiaBarnes
I’vealwayslovedtoplaydress-up.
Creatingfakeweddingswasmychildhoodpastime.
Nowitismydreamcometrue.
I’vefinallybeenhandedmyfirstclient.
ButnothingcouldpreparemeforwhogreetedmewhenIwalkedin.
Hewasmyfirstkiss,myfirsteverything,includingmyfirstandonlyheartbreak.
NowIhavetoplanhiswedding.
MatthewPetrov
Myfamilyisfilledwithhockeyroyalty
Frommygrandfathertomyuncletomyfather.
Nowitismyturntoworkmywayuptheleaderboard.
IhadeverythingI’veeverwantedinmylife.
OrsoIthought.
Nothingcouldpreparemeforcomingface-to-facewithSofia.
Iknewherinsideandout.
Sheknewmyinnersecrets.
Twoyearsago,Ilethergo,andnowshe’splanningmyweddingtosomeoneelse.
Theysaytimehealsoldwounds.Theylied.
Maybesheisjustminetotake.familytree’sfor:southernwedding,thesouthern,somethingso,thisis,onlyone&madefor
SouthernWeddingFamilyTree
MineToHave
Harlow&Travis
Charlotte
Theo
MineToHold
Shelby&Ace
MineToCherish
Clarabella&Luke
MinetoLove
Presley&Bennett
Violet
MineToTake
SofiaBarnes&MatthewPetrov
MineToPromise
StefanoDimitris&Addison
Avery
SouthernFamilyTree
BillyandCharlotte
(MotherandfathertoKallieandCasey)
SouthernChance
Kallie&JacobMcIntyre
EthanMcIntyre(Savannah’sSon)
Amelia(SouthernSecrets)
Travis
SouthernComfort
Olivia&CaseyBarnes
Quinn(SouthernHeat)
Reed(SouthernSunshine)
Harlow(MinetoHave)
SouthernStorm
Savannah&BeauHuntington
EthanMcIntyre(Jacob’sson)
Chelsea(SouthernHeart)
Toby
Keith
SouthernSunrise
Emily&EthanMcIntyre
Gabriel
Aubrey
SouthernHeart
ChelseaHuntington&MaysonCarey
Tucker
SouthernHeat
Willow&QuinnBarnes
Grace
Charlie
SouthernSecrets
AmeliaMcIntyre&Asher
JBNormand
SouthernSunshine
Hazel&ReedBarnes
Sofia(MineToTake)
Kaine
Denver
SOMETHINGSO,THISISONLYONE&MADEFORFAMILYTREE!
HockeySeries
SOMETHINGSOSERIES
SomethingSoRight
Parker&CooperStone
MatthewGrant(SomethingSoPerfect)
AllisonGrant(SomethingSoIrresistible)
ZaraStone(ThisIsCrazy)
ZoeStone(ThisIsWild)
JustinStone(ThisIsForever)
SomethingSoPerfect
MatthewGrant&KarrieCooley
CooperGrant(OnlyOneRegret)
FrancesGrant(OnlyOneLove)
VivienneGrant(MadeForYou)
ChaseGrant(MadeForMe)
SomethingSoIrresistible
AllisonGrant&MaxHorton
MichaelHorton(OnlyOneMistake)
AlexandriaHorton(OnlyOneForever)
SomethingSoUnscripted
DeniseHorton&ZackMorrow
JackMorrow
JoshuaMorrow
ElizabethMorrow
THISISSERIES
ThisIsCrazy
ZaraStone&EvanRichards
ZoeyRichards
StoneRichards
ThisIsWild
ZoeStone&ViktorPetrov
MatthewPetrov(MineToTake)
ZaraPetrov
LexiPetrov
ThisIsLove
VivienneParadis&MarkDimitris
KarrieDimitris
StefanoDimitris(MineToPromise)
AngelicaDimitris
ThisIsForever
CarolineWoods&JustinStone
DylanStone(FormallyWoods)(OnlyOneForever)
ChristopherStone
AbigailStone(MadeForUs)
GabriellaStone(MadeForRomeo)
ONLYONESERIES
OnlyOneKiss
CandaceRichards&RalphWeber
AriellaWeber
BrookesWeber
OnlyOneChance
LaylaPaterson&MillerAdams
ClarkeAdams
OnlyOneNight
Evelyn&ManningStevenson
JaxonStevenson
VictoriaStevenson
OnlyOneTouch
Becca&NicoHarrison
PhoenixHarrison
DallasHarrison
OnlyOneRegret
Erika&CooperGrant
Emma
Mia
Parker
Matthew
Leo
Felicia
OnlyOneMistake
Jillian&MichaelHorton
Jamieson
Bianca
Bailey
OnlyOneLove
FrancesGrant&BradWilson
Stella
OnlyOneForever
DylanStone&AlexHorton
Maddox
Maya
Maverick
James
MadeForMe
Julia&ChaseGrant
MadeForYou
VivienneGrant&XavierMontgomery
MadeForUs
AbigailStone&TristanWeise
Penelope
Payton
MadeForRomeo
RomeoBeckett&GabriellaStone
MinetoTake
MatthewPetrov&SofiaBarnes
MineToPromise
StefanoDimitris&Addisonprologue
DearestLove,
It’sthattimeagain…
Weddingseason.
Thebestseasonoftheyear.
Sofiahastakenover.
Thestarshavealigned,anditlookslikenotonlyisherfirstlovebackinherlife,butshehastoplanhiswedding.
Willhewalkdowntheaisle?
Whowillbethebride?
Youknowwhattheysay.
Onlytimewilltell
XOXONMsofia
Ijumpwhenthealarmstartsblaringfromtheislandbehindme.ThemilkIwaspouringintomycoffeecupisspilledontheside.Iputthefrotherdownatthesametimetheblaringofthealarmgetslouderandlouderasthesecondstickby.“I’mcoming,I’mcoming!”Ishouttothealarm,whichatthispointissoloudI’mabouttocovermyearslikemybabycousinsdowhenIsquealoutthatIlovethemsomuch.
Ipresssnoozebymistake.“Dammit,”Isay,grabbingmyphoneandwalkingbacktothesink.Turningonthewarmwater,Iwetaclothbeforecleaningupthespilledmilk.“Ithinkthisisgoodluck,”Imumbletomyselfbeforerinsingtheclothoffandreturningbacktothecoffee.Igrabthecupandbringittomylips,smellingthearomaofcoffeefillmynosemakesmesmilerightbeforeItakeasip.“That’slikelittlepiecesofheaven,”Iwhisperbeforewalkingbackupthestairstowardmybedroom.
WhenIgettothelanding,Ilookovertherailingthatletsyouseedownintothegreatroom.Thishouseismassive,waytoobigforme,buttrytellingmygrandfatherthat.Thehousewasbought,andsecuritywasinstalledbeforeIsawit.“Don’targuewithme,”hesaidsoftly,“I’mold.”Whichmademesnort-laugh.Mygrandfatherisalotofthings,butoldanddelicatearen’tanyofthem.IfyoulookedupSoutherngentlemaninthedictionary,therewouldbeapictureofhim.
Ishakemyheadthinkingofthelasttimewehadtheconversation,missinghimjustatouchmoretoday.AsImakemywaytowardmybedroom,Iwalkdownthehallway.IlookatallthepicturesIlineduponthewallofmyfamily.Themiddlepictureonthewallisthewholefamily.Ittooksomehourstoreineveryonein,thenaboutahundredpicturestogetthepicture.Mygreat-grandparentsstandinthemiddlewhileeveryoneisaroundthem.Aroundthatpictureisapictureofmewithmyparentstakenatgraduationday.Myfatherwithhisarmaroundme,pullingmeclosertohimashelooksatmymotherwithalltheloveI’vealwaysseeninhiseyes.It’srightnexttothefirstpictureweevertooktogether.I’msittingonthehorsewithhimbehindme,hisshirtisoff,andhe’sgothisarmswrappedaroundme.Fromthestorytheytoldme,myparentssharedonenighttogetherbeforemyfatherjoinedthemilitary.Wiresgotcrossed,andhefoundoutaboutmethefirsttimewemet.Eveninthepicture,wehavethesamesmirk.Fromthatdayon,hemadesureIknewhowmuchhewouldhavechangedthepast.IsmilewhenIthinkabouthim,sendinghimatext.
JustsendingyouamessagetosayIloveyou,Dad.
IwalkintothetwoopenFrenchdoorsandgostraighttothebed.Turningonthetelevisionthatfacesthebed,thesoftlightfillsthedarkenedroomasIwatchthenewsbeforeturningontheInvestigativeDiscoveryChannel.I’minlovewithmybed,somethingmygrandmother,Olivia,setupforme.Thewholehouseactuallyhasherstampofapproval.IwanttosayIhelpedpickthethingsinmyhouse,butIdidn’t,shediditall.It’snotbecauseIdidn’twantto,it’smorethatIknowhowmuchshelovesthisstuff.Literally,thewholefamilyjustletsherdothingsbecauseitmakesherhappy.Mygrandfatherletherstyleoneoftheirhomesinallwhite.TheyevencallittheWhiteHouse,andnoonewantstostayinit.
Thephonerings,andIpickitup,smilingagainwhenIseeit’smydad.“Hello.”
“Hello,Sunshine.”Hecallsmebymynicknamelikehealwaysdoes.“Whyareyouupsoearly?”
“It’snotearly.”Ilookdownandseethatit’ssixten.“Okay,fine,maybeit’sabitearly.”Ibringthecupofcoffeetomylips.“Butthefirstdayonthejobisabigdeal.”
“Itis,”heagrees,andIhearthetruckdoorcloseonhissideofthephone.“You’vebeendreamingaboutthissinceyouwereseven,andGrandmaOliviaboughtyouaminiweddingdress.”
“ItwasthebestgiftIevergot.”Isigh,rememberingallthetimeIspentinthatdress.IfIwasn’tinschool,Iwasinthatdress.Ipreparedsomanyweddingswithsomanyofmystuffedanimals,itwascrazy.
“IboughtyouahorseandPopsboughtyouapinktractor,”hepointsouttheothertwogiftsthatarealsoonthebestgiftIevergotlist.TosayIwasspoiledwasanunderstatement.
“Okay,fine,”Ihuff,“yougotmegoodgiftsalso.”
“Good,”hesays,chuckling.“Okay,I’mheadingintothegym.”
“Haveagreatday,Dad.Iloveyou.”
“Loveyoumore.”Hehangsupthephone,andIplaceminebesideme.
Itakeanothersipofmycoffeeandpressthebuttontoopentheshades,thesunshinecomingstraightin.Slippingoffmybed,Iwalkovertothewindow,lookingoutatthetreesthatareallaroundme.ThisisdefinitelynotwhereIthoughtIwouldendup.WhenIwasinhighschool,IdreamedofgoingtoChicago,LA,orNewYorkandplanningevents.Iwantedtobeintheglitzandglamor.TosetupthebesteventsIcould,withawholeteamunderme.Butinstead,Icametovisitmyaunt,Harlow,andfellinlovewiththistown.Oneweekendhereandallmyplanswentoutthewindow.Plus,Harlow’ssisters-in-lawownedtheirowneventcompany.It’sasifitwasfate.Ifinishmycoffee.“Timetomeetmyfirsteverclient.”
Threehourslater,I’mwalkingupthestepsofthelittlebungalowtheybuiltwithfiveofficeswherethebedroomswouldbe.Thelivingroomanddiningroomarewherethewaitingareais,it’sfilledwithpicturesofpasteventstheyhavedone.Itakeasecondtolookatthesideofthebarn.Oratleastwhatlookslikeabarn.Onceyougetinside,you’llfindrusticwoodenfloorsandexposedwoodenbeamsthatcanbedressedup.Itcanfituptofivehundredandfiftypeople.Rightbehindthebarnisakitchenwherethecatererscansetup.
Takingadeepbreath,Iturnthehandleonthedoortostartmyveryfirstdayaspartoftheteam.“Surprise!”isscreamedbyClarabella,Shelby,andPresley.
Iputahandtomychestinshock.“Whatisthis?”IaskthemasIstepintothecoolroom.
“Whydidwethinkasurprisewasagoodthing?”Clarabellalooksoverathersisters.
“Ispeciallysaidthatitwasstupid,butnoonelistenedtome,”Shelbystates,foldingherarmsoverherhead.
“Idon’teventhinkIwaspartoftheconversation,”Presleycomplainstothem,andtheyglareather.Thethreesistershavebecomemyclosestfriends.Iwoulddoanythingforthem,andIknowtheyhavemyback.
“Well,whateveritwas,”Isay,smilingatthem,“it’swonderful.”
Shelbystepsforward.“Areyouready?”sheasks,andIjustlookatherconfused.
“Fortoday?”Isay,puttingmyhandtomystomach.ThenerveshavebeengoingsinceIopenedmyeyesat5:00a.m.“Notevenabit.”
“Whattimeistheappointment?”Clarabellaasks.
“Ten,”Ireply,myfingersshakingabit.“SoIhaveanhourtogetallmyducksinarow.”EventhoughIwentoverthefilethreetimesalready.
“Well,wewillhavedrinksassoonasyoulandthisclient,”Shelbyannounces,andIjustholdupmyhandsintheair.Iwalkovertothesideandstepintomynewoffice.ItwasanemptyofficebeforeIcamein,andslowly,whenIwasinterningwiththem,itbecamemine.
ThewhiteL-shapeddesksitsagainsttherightsideoftheroom.Avaseofwhitepeoniesisatthecornerofthedeskwithagoldcardholderinfrontofit.Behindthedeskisachalkboardwiththecalendaronit.Therearealsoframesaboutloveandromance,aswellasacoupleofeventsIhelpedplanwhileIwasstillinschool.Mycomputerissetupononesideofthedesk,rightnexttoawhiteandgoldlampthatisjustforshow.Thepinkchairfacesthedoor,andtwomorepinkchairsfacethedesk.IputmypurseononeofthechairsbeforeIwalkoverandsitdown.
IturnonthecomputertoseeifanythingcameinfromwhenIlefthomeuntilnow.IpulluptheemailwegotfromHelenaagain.Whenitcamein,Shelbycamebyandhandedmethefileandsaid,“Goodluck.”
Ireadtheinterestformshefilledoutonthewebsite.Itreallydoesn’ttellmemuch.Sheleftblankspaceseverywhere.Iputtogetheracoupleofpicturesfrompastweddingsthatwehavedonetogiveheranideaofwhatwecando.It’sanhourlaterwhenIpushofffrommydeskandgetuptotakeonelookatmyselfbeforeImakemywayintothewaitingroom.
Standinginfrontofthelongmirror,Ilookatmyself,thebaby-bluepantsfitmetightaroundthehipsbutlooseallthewaydowntomyankles.Amatchingthickbeltaroundmywaistispairedwithawhite,sleevelessbodysuit.Amatchingbluejacketcompletesthelookwithneutral,peep-toeChristianLouboutinshoes.Mybrownhairisparteddownthemiddleandthentiedatthenapeofmyneckinaponytail.Itwirltheendoftheponytail,placingitovermyrightshoulder.“It’sshowtime,”Itellmyself,grabbingthefileandwalkingoutofmyoffice.
ItaketwostepsoutbeforeIhearsomecommotioncomingfromtheside.Ipeekmyheadinandseethatkidshavenowjoinedtheparty.Everyoneissittingdownandtalking.“I’mgoingtogoandwaitforthecoupleinthefront,”Isay,tryingnottobenervousbutprobablyfailingmiserably.
“You’vegotthis,”Clarabellareassuresmefrombehindherdesk.
“Justremember,noneofusknewwhatthehellweweredoing,”Presleysaysasshenurseshersononthecouch,whileherothersonisbouncinginthesaucerrightinfrontofher.Irishtwinsarewhatwecallthem.Shelbycallsthemawalkingbirthcontrolsponsor.
“Andifyouneedanything,wearehere,”Shelbyremindsme,andallIcandoisnodather.
“I’vegotthis.”ItrytosoundmoresureofmyselfthanIreallyam,ignoringthewaymyhandsshakejustabitandthefactthatmystomachisrisingallthewaytomythroat,makingmefeellikeI’mgoingtothrowup.“I’vegotthis.”
“Whorunstheworld?”Clarabellaasks.
“Boysandgirls,accordingtoViolet,”Ijokewithher.
“Getoutofmyofficeandgonailthatcouple.”Shepointsatthedoorandturnsandwalksout.
Mystomachhasbeeninknotssincelastweekwhentheyhandedmethisclient.IknowIcandoit.Ijusthavestagefright.“Herewego,”Isay,asIpullopenthedoortotheroomwherethecoupleisstandingwiththeirbackstome.
Ilookdownatmynudeheelsforasecond,andwhenIlookup,everythinginsidemestops.There,standinginfrontofmewithablondgirlholdinghishand,ismyfirstlove,MatthewPetrov.matthew
Theysayinlifetherearemomentsyouwillalwaysremember.LikethefirsttimeIscoredagoalatseven,inovertime,inahockeytournament.OrthetimewhenIgotdraftedintotheNHL.ThereiseventhetimewhenIsuitedupandscoredmyfirstgoalasanNHLplayer.Andthentherewillbethismoment.Definitelythismoment.
MyhandisinHelena’saswelookatapictureofanelaboratealtar.Sheisgoingonandonaboutitandhowshewouldhaveaddedcolorintotheflowers.WhenIhearthesoundsofheelsclickingbehindme,thesoundcomingcloserandclosertous,Icanseethewomanapproachinginmyperipheralvision.Thesuncomesintothewindowsallaroundher.MyheadturnsinslowmotionormaybethatisjusthowIfeelithappens.Iblinkonce,twice,threetimes,wonderingifmyheadisplayingtricksonme.
Myvisionisalmostblurryatthispoint,oratleastthatishowitfeels,untilthewomanisstandingclosertous.Itcan’tbe.Again,Iblinkmyeyes,hopingtofuckingGodthatthisisn’thappeningtomerightnow.Ievenliftmyfreehandandrubmyeyestoseeifit’sallinmyhead.Sadly,itisnot.
MyheartisbeatingsofastandsoloudinmyearsthatallIhearisthethumpingitmakes.Myhandsarenowgettingsweaty,andtheheatisrisingtothebackofmyneck.Sheislookingdownatherfeet,andwhenshefinallylooksup,shespotsmeandwemakeeyecontact.Full-oneyecontact.Thereisnodenyingit’sherandnotsomelong-losttwinthateveryonehas.Youknowtheoneeveryoneisalwaystellingyouaboutbutprobablydoesn’texist.Yeah,thatone.
Shestopsmidstep,andifyoudidn’tknowher,youwouldn’tseethewayhereyeslightupforonesecondbeforethewallcomesdown,shuttingitout.HereyesgofromminetoHelenaandthendowntoourhands.MyheadisscreamingatmewhileIkeepaskingmyselfthequestionoverandoveragain.Whatthefuckisshedoinghere?
“Hello,”Sofiagreetswhensheisstandinginfrontofus.“YoumustbeHelena.”Shelooksoveratherandextendsherhandtoher.“I’mSofia.”
“It’ssogoodtomeetyou,”Helenasays,“thisismyfiancé.”Shehugsmyarmwithherhandsandlooksupatme.“MatthewPetrov.WecallhimMatty.”
IlookoveratSofiaandseeherblueeyesgetataddarkerwhenshelooksatme,everyonecallsmeMatty,exceptforSofia.ShealwayscalledmeMattheworMVP,butthatwasasajokeeverytimeIwonagame.“Matty.”Sheextendsherhandtomineasifshedoesn’tknowme,asifwe’venevermet.Idon’tknowhowIfeelaboutthis.Ononehand,IshouldbehappyIdon’thavetoexplainthistoHelena,andontheotherhand,I’mpissed.WhichIshouldn’tbe,especiallywiththewaythingsended.“It’sapleasuretomeetyou.”Myhandmovesupandclampsontohers,andIsweartoGodit’slikeI’mbeingelectrocutedorsomething.“Thankyousomuchforcomingintoday,”shestates,andIcan’thelpbuttakeherin.Herbrownhairispulledbackinaponytail,butIseetheendofherhairiscurledanddrapesoverhershoulder.Hersmileisasfakeascanbe.Trustme,IspenttwoyearsknowingtheinsandoutsofSofia.Nooneknewmebetterthanshedid.Nooneknowsmebetterthanshedoes,ismorelikeit.NotevenHelena,Idon’tknow,andIcan’tevenexplainit.WithSofiaitwasjustsoeasy,mebeingmeneverfazedher.“Andcongratulationsontheengagement,”shesays,andIseehereyeslookingstraightdownattheringonHelena’sfinger.
“Thankyousomuch,”Helenareplies,andmytonguejustkeepsongettingbiggerandbiggerinmymouth.Shepicksherhanduptolookatthediamondinfrontofherbeforesheturnstosmileatme.AllIcandoissmilebackather.“Itwasaspecialsurprise.”
Ialmostlaughbecauseitwasnotasurpriseatall.Infact,sheleftmesubtlemessagessincethesecondweekwestarteddating.Shewasatthepeakofherprimeandwantedtogetmarriedwhenshewouldlookamazinginherpictures.We’vebeentogetherforninemonthsandthiswasthenextstep,soIthoughtwhynot.“Thatsoundsveryromantic,”IhearSofiasay,shakingmyhead.
“Shallwesitdownandgooveracoupleofthings?”Sofiasuggests,pointingattheroundtabletotheside.“Wouldyoucareforanythingtodrink?”ShelooksatHelenafirst.
“I’llhaveabottleofwater,”Helenasays,“sparklingifyouhaveit,ifnotstillisgood.”Shenodsherheadandthenhastolookoveratme.I’mwaitingforit,andwhenshedoes,Ireallywishthatshehadn’t.Hereyespiercemysoulandmakemyheartstopinmychest.“Heusuallyhasstillwater.”
“Comingrightup,”Sofiadeclares,turningandwalkingawayfromus,disappearingaroundawall.Iswear,ifIcould,Iwouldletoutadeepsighandhangmyhead.Ireallywanttogetthefuckoutofhere.Seeingherit’sjust,Idon’tevenknowwhattosay.I’msurprised.I’mshocked.I’mblownfuckingawaythatsheishere.NotonlyissheherebutI’malsogoingtositdownanddiscussmyweddingwithher.Iclosemyeyes;notevensureIwanttothinkabouthowthingswouldbeiftheroleswerereversed.Iwouldnotbeokaywithanyofthis.IguessIwouldbehappyforher,maybe,notsure.Myheadisgoingaroundandaround,I’mliterallyhangingonbyathread.
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”Helenahissestome.“Youareactingsofreakingweird.”
“No,I’mnot,”Iscoffather,shakingmyheadwhilemywholebodywantstopickupthechairandthrowitacrosstheroom,rightbeforeIrunoutofhere.“I’mfine,”Iconfirm,walkingovertotheroundtableSofiapointedatbeforewalkingout.Ipulloutachairandsitdown,myfootmovingupanddown,thenervesjustradiatinginmybody.“Sitdown.”Ipullthechairbesidemeout.“Beforeyouagreetoanything…”Iwanttotellhermore,butIheartheclicksfromSofia’sshoescomingagain.
Sheholdsasilvertrayinherhand,comingintotheroomandspottingussittingdown.Shewalksover,placingthesilvertraydownonthetable.“Ididn’tknowifyouwantedlemonorlime.”ShesmilesatHelenaassheputstwosmallplasticcontainersonthetable,eachwithlemonandlime.“Ialsodidn’tknowifyouwanteditchilledornot,soIgotyouboth,”shegoeson,puttingthefourbottlesonthetable,alongwithacrystalglassforeachofus.Shesitsdowninthechairfacingus,andIgrabtheclosestwaterbottletome,notnoticingifit’scoldorhotorfizzyornot.
“Okay,beforewestart,”Sofiasays.ShelooksatHelenaandthenlooksatme,andIthinkthisisit.Thisisthemomentsheisgoingtosaywedated.Myheartspeedsupevenfasterandmyfingerssqueezethewaterbottlehardinmyhand.Sheplacesherhandsinfrontofher,crossingherhandstogether.Poised.Controlled.Classy.Unlikeme,whoisnowstartingtosweatandwonderinghowlongthisisgoingtobe.“Whydon’tweseeifwearecompatible?”
Oh,you’recompatibleallright,myheadscreams,laughing.
“Thatsoundsamazing,”Helenasaysasshegrabsabottleofwater,openingit.“AsImentionedtoyoubefore,myfiancéisMatthewPetrov.”Iclosemyeyes,knowingwherethisisheaded,IthinkIevenrollmyeyesather.“I’mnotsureifyouarefamiliarwithhisname?”
“No,”Sofiaanswers,andmyeyessnapbacktoherasshelooksatHelena.“Thatnamedoesn’tringabell.”Iwanttopfftoutandremindherofallthetimesshecalledmynamewhileweweretogether.Dammit,nowisnotthetimeforthis.Ishouldn’tbethisaffectedbyher.Notafterallthistime.Iclosemyeyestoerasethememoriesthatallofasuddenhavecomefullforce.
“HeplayshockeyfortheCarolinaWhalers,”Helenaannouncesproudlyfrombesideme,andIlookovertoseeherbrowneyesshining.Herblondhairisneatlystyledwithacurlattheend,sheisthepictureofSouthernbeauty.
“Idon’twatchhockey,”SofiasaysandallIcandoislookather,waitingforhertolookatmesoIcansilentlycallheraliar.“Ipreferfootballinstead.”ShesmilesatHelena,whojustsmilesandshrugshershoulders.
“Well,becauseofhisschedule,wewouldhavetobemarriedinthesummertime,”HelenaexplainsandallIcandoisnodatthat.
“Doyouknowwhatservicesyouarelookingfor?”SofiaasksherandHelenajustlooksatherdumbfounded.“Thereareweddingplannersandthereareweddingcoordinators.”God,Imissedhervoice.“Aweddingplannerassistsyouinplanningtheentireweddingorspecificweddingactivities.Whatwedoisprovideyouwithalistofvendorsfortheweddingandyoutellusifyouhaveaspecificvendorinmind,andwewillhandleallcontractsonbehalfofyou.”Helenalooksoveratme.“Iwillbethereeverysinglestepofthewayassoonasyousignthecontractuntilthelastguesthasleftyourweddingreception.”
“Whatdoesacoordinatordo?”Helenaasks,andIliterallywanttogetthefuckoutofhereasfastandassoonasIcan.Mybodyfeelslikeit’sbeenasleepforthepasttwofuckingyears,andallofasudden,everysinglesenseinmybodyhasbeenawoken.
“Acoordinatoristhereforyouforaspecificperiod,beitamonthbeforetheweddingorevensometimestwoweeksbeforethewedding.YouprovidethelistofvenuesandthenImakesureeveryoneshowsup,”Sofiasaysandthenshestartstalkingaboutotherthings,butIcan’tevenconcentrateonwhatsheissayingrightnow.TheonlythingIcandoisbegforthistobeover.
“Thatissomethingtodiscuss.”IfinallyfindmywordsandlookoveratHelena.“Weshoulddiscussthingsandthenwecangetbacktoyou.”IturnnowtolookatSofia,seeinghersmirkandthenlookdown.Everythingaboutherispolished,fromthesoftnessofhermakeuptothewayhernailsaremanicured.Shewasalwayssoputtogether,exceptwhenwewentridinghorses.Itwastheonlytimeshewouldletherhairdown.Itwasoneofherfavoritethingstodo.Iwonderifitstillis.
“Thatisthebestwaytodoit,”shesuggestsandpushesawayfromthetablenow.ShestandsupandHelenafollowsher.Iputthebottleofwaterbackdownonthetable,untouchedexceptforthetimewhenIwassqueezingtheshitoutofit.
IstandasHelenawalksinfrontofmetostandinfrontofSofia.“Ifyouhaveanyquestions,”Sofiasaysasshewalksoutwithus,“pleasegivemeacall.Oneoftheteammemberswillbehappytoassistyouinanywaywecan.”Shestopswalkingwhenweareinfrontofthedoorandmyheartspeedsupforawholedifferentreason.I’mleavingherandI’mnotready.
“Thankyousomuch,”Helenareplies,holdingoutherhandtoshakeSofia’s,“fortakingthetimetositwithusanddiscussthingswithme.”
“ThisiswhatI’mherefor,”sheresponds,extendingherhandtoshakeHelena’s.“Mr.Petrov,”shesayswithatightsmile,“itwasapleasuremeetingyou.”
Myhandextendstoshakehers,andunlikebefore,Isqueezeherhandjustatouch.“Wewillbeintouch.”
Sheletsgoofmyhand,butitfeelslikeshe’sstillholdingitasmyhandfallstomyside.“Well,whateveritwillbe.Congratulationsontheengagementandthebestofluckforthewedding.”
InodatherandlookatHelena,puttingmyhandatthebaseofherbackandusheringheroutoftheplace.ThedoorclosesbehindmeandittakeseverythingIhavenottolookback.“Wearen’tusingher.”sofia
IwaitforthedoortocloseandthenliterallycounttotenbeforeIletoutthehugebreathIhavebeenholdingin.Ilookuptotheceiling,blinkingasIbreatheinandouttogetmyheartratedown.I’msurprisedIdidn’thaveafuckingheartattack.“What.The.Actual.Fuck,”IcurseoutloudastheadrenalineIhadrunningthroughmeslowlyleavesandtherealityhitsme.“Thisisnothappening.”Iwalkonshakyknees,lookingintheofficesandseeingnooneisthere.Ihearchattercomingfromtheendofthehallwayandwalkintoourmakeshiftconferenceroom.
Thethreeofthemsitaroundtheroundtable,eachlookingdownatthepaperinfrontofthem.Iwalkinandplacethemanilafolderonthetable.“Iquit,”Ideclaretoallofthem,pullingoutachairandsittinginitbecausemykneesaregoingtogiveout.I’msofilledwithnervesIquicklygetbackupandstartpacingtheroom.“I’mnotdoingthat.”Ipointatthefileonthetableandfeellikeit’satickingtimebombbeforequicklyexitingtheroom.
“Oh,shit,”IhearPresleysayfrombehindmeasthesoundofthethreeofthemgettingupfillstheroom.
“Sheneedssomeofthesweettea,”Clarabellasaysinawhisperbutnotreallywhispering.
“Thisdoesnotbodewell,”Shelbysaysunderherbreath.
“ThatIdo.”Ipointatthem.“ThatisexactlywhatIneed.”MyfeetmaketheirwaystraightintomyofficeandtowardthebottleofsweetteaIkeephiddenintheclosetforemergencysituations.Grabbingthebottle,IunscrewthegoldcapbeforeItakeaswigoftheliquid.Ittastessweetbutitburnsallthewaydown.IputthebottleonmydeskandslipoffmyjacketwhenIfeelsuddenlyhot.
“Oh,shit,”IhearfrombehindmeagainwhenIseePresleywalkintomyofficeandgoingtositdownononeofthepinkchairsfacingmydesk.Shecrossesherlegsandjustwaitsformetosaysomething.
“Isthiscodepurple?”Shelbyasks,notsurewhattodoasshecomesintotheroomwithherhandsinfrontofher,wringingthemtogether.
“Everyoneneedstocalmdown,”Clarabellasays,hervoicecomingoutsmooth,asshewalksoverandturnsoneofthepinkchairsaroundformetosit.“Whydon’tyouhaveaseat?”Clarabellaistryingtoremaincalm,butfromthewaysheisbreathingheavily,sheisnotrelaxed.
“Yes,let’ssitdown,”Presleyurges,pattingthechairbesideher.“Justsoyouknow,youcan’tjustquit.”Shelaughsnervously,tryingnottopanic.Icantellallthreeofthemareslowlystartingtopanicastheysharealookwitheachother.
“Ican’tbelieveI’mgoingtosaythis,”Clarabellasays,“butPresleyisright.”ShelooksatPresley,whoblowsonhernailsandwipesthemonthewhitesilkshirtsheiswearing.“Youcan’tjustquit.”
Iwishitwasthateasy.Iwishshewasright.Butfuckme,seeingMatthewagain,afterallthistime,wasashock.Italsofeltlikesomeonewoundupandkickedmerightinthevaginausingasoccercleat.
“Whateverhappened,”Shelbysoothesinasoftmotherlyvoice,“wecanrecoverfromit.”
“Idon’tthinkso,”Ifireback,pickingupthebottleandhavinganotherswig.Thistimetheburndoesn’treallygettome,whichshouldbeanindicatorthatIshouldnotbedrinkinganythingmore.
“It’snotasbadasyouthinkitis,”Clarabellasaysquietly,waitingforme.Iputmyheadbackandclosemyeyes,butthenIjustseeMatthew’sfaceagainandnooneneedsthatrightnow.
“Itreallyis,”Ifinallyreply,lookingatallthreeofthem.
“Icanassureyouit’snot.”Shelbywalkstomeandputsherhandsonmyarmsandsmilesatme.
“Ijustmetmyex-boyfriendandhisfiancée.”Isaythewordsoutloudintotheuniversesonoweveryonefuckingknows.
“Fuck,”Clarabellablurts,“itisasbadasyouthink.”IfIwasn’tinmyownshoes,Iwouldlaughatthiswholething.
Presley’sandShelby’sheadswhiptowardClarabella,whoholdsupherhands.“Don’tshootthemessenger.I’mjuststatingtheobvious.”
“Okay,”Shelbyremarks,“thismightbealittlehiccup.”
Ilaughather.“Aminorissue.”Shelooksaround.
“Alittlebumpintheroad,”PresleyfollowsShelby’slead.
IlookatClarabella,waitingforherwordsofencouragement,butinsteadsheshakesherhead.“Thisislikeanasteroidcomingtotheearth.”
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”ShelbyhissesbetweenclenchedteethatClarabella.“Thisisnothelpinganyone.”
“Fine.”Clarabellarollshereyes.“Whydon’twestartfromthebeginning?”
“Yes,”Presleysays,lookingoveratme,“defineex-boyfriend.”
“Ohhh,goodone.”Clarabellanodsherhead.“Let’sdefinewhatkindofex-boyfriend.”
“Howlongdidyouguysdate?”Presleyasks.
“Twoyears,”Itellthegroup.
“Howlongagodidthebreakuphappen?”Shelbyasks.
“Almosttwoyearsago,”Ishare,tryingnottothinkofthedayitallcametoascreechinghalt.
“Washethebestsexyoueverhad?”Clarabellaquestions,whilePresleyandShelbygroan.“What?Thisisagreatquestion.Weneedtoknowwhatlevelitwason.”Theyjustglareather.“Okay,fine,wewilltablethatquestionforafter.”Sheglaresathersisters.“Onascaleofonetoten.”Sheputsherhandonmydeskandstartstappingherfinger.“Tenbeingthehighest,howmuchdidyouwanttothroatpunchhimwhenyousawhimwithhisnewgirlfriend?”
“Fiancée,”Icorrecther.“NotlikewejustranintoeachotheratabarorinWalmart.Hecameherewithhisfiancée.”ClarabellacringesatthatstatementandIswearifitwasn’thappeningtome,Imightlaughatthiswholesituation.“Imean,whataretheoddsthatyourex-boyfriendisgoingtowalkintoyourplaceofemploymentonyourfirstdayonthejobandyougettoplanhiswedding?”Imean,theironybehindit,Ijustcan’tevenwrapmyheadaroundit.“Buttheansweristen.”
“Okay,I’msorry,”Shelbysays.“ButIhavetoask,doesthefiancéeknow?”
Ishakemyheadandlaugh.“Iwalkedinthere,andIsweartoGod,itwasasiftimewasstandingstillandeverythingwasinslowmotion.Ifelteyesonme,andthenwhenIlookedup,Isawhim.”Igrabthebottleandtakeanotherswigofthesweettea,wipingmymouthwiththebackofmyhand.“Wepretendedwedidn’tknoweachother.”
“What?”Clarabellashrieksout.“Andwhatdidyoudo?”
“IpretendedIdidn’tknowwhohewas,”Isay,foldingmyarmsovermychest.“IevenpretendedIdidn’tlikehockey,”Ipfftout.
“Heplayshockey?”Clarabellaasks.“Likeprofessionally?”
“Yes.”Inodmyhead.“Evenwhenwewereinschool,hewasdraftedwhenhewaseighteen,buthewantedtogetadegreebeforeheplayed.”
“Shutup,”Clarabellasquawks,takingoutherphone.“What’shisname?”
“MatthewPetrov,”IreplyassheopensGoogleandmusttypeinhisname.
Hereyescometome.“Stopit.”
“Letmesee.”Presleyextendsherhandforthephone.ShegetsitandIignorethegaspfromherandthenglanceawaywhenshelooksatmewithhermouthhangingopen,andthensheclosesitagainasshehandsthephoneovertoShelby.
Shegrabsit,andIseehereyesgobig.“Helooksawful,”shetriestosay,andevenIknowshe’slying.
“Maurysaidthat’salie,”Clarabellajokes,shakingherhead.“Butdidhelookatyouandwaslike,holyshit,whatdowedo?”
“Ihavenoidea.IavoidedhimasmuchasIcould.IdirectedmyquestionsstraighttoHelena,”Istate,proudofmyself.Nomatterhowmanytimesmyeyeswantedtolookoverathim,Ijuststaredstraightahead.Iswear,Icouldfeelhiseyesonmethewholetime,butIdidn’tlookoverathim.Notonce.TheonlytimeIdidwasattheendandeventhatwastoomuchforme.
“Didtheyhaveadateinmind?”ClarabellaleansbackinherchairandIshakemyhead.
“No,obviouslyithastobeinthesummersincehe’soffthen,”IsharewiththemtheonlydetailIreallypaidattentionto.Thewholeexchangewasalsoatouchweirdandnotjustbecauseitwaswithmyex,butshename-droppedwhohewaseverychanceshecould.
“It’llprobablybeabigwedding,”Ifillin.“Hehasabigfamily.”
“Definebig.”Shelbyliftshereyebrowsatme.
“Aboutasbigasmine,ifnotbigger,”Ishareandignorethepulltotakethephonefromhernow.
ShelbyputsthephonedownandIwonderwhatpicturestheylookedat.Afterwebrokeup,Iblockedhisnamefrommyphone.Imean,notreally,butIdefinitelydidn’tgoonandgooglehim.Imean,maybeIdidjusttheonetime,butthatwasafteralongdayofdrinkingandanunsuccessfuldatewhereIhadtopleasuremyself.Itwasamomentofweakness.“Howdidyouleaveit?”Shetapshermanicuredfingeronthephone.
“Theywouldgetbacktome,”Isayandlaugh,“asifIwouldeventhinkaboutdoingthis.”Irollmyeyes.
“Okay,Ihavetoask,whobrokeupwithwho?”Clarabellafinallyaskstheloadedquestion.
Ishakemyheadandputmyhandtomyforehead.“Hebrokeupwithme.”IthoughtIwasoverthepainfromthatday,butclearly,Iamnot.I’mfarfromoverit.It’sbeentwoyears.Itshouldbedeadandburiedinmymemories.Sadly,seeinghimforevenfiveminutesbroughtitallback.
“Thisisgettingsad,”Clarabellasays,“solet’sgetbacktothequestionsaboutsex.”
“DearGod,”Shelbymutters.“Maybetherearesomethingssheshouldn’tshare.”
“Biteyourtongue,”Clarabellaretorts,“IliterallyheardyouandAcegoingatitinashed.”
“Itwasinmybackyard,myfencedbackyard!”sheshrieks,andIrollmylips.Thethreeofthemhavecaughteachotherinsomanycompromisingpositions,it’salwaysanewstory.Ihaveevencaughtorheardoneofthemattimes.Imean,ifIwasinacommittedrelationshiplikeallofthem,IguessIwouldbedoingthesame.EspeciallysinceShelbyandClarabellaweresupposedtomarryonepersonandthenmarriedsomeoneelse.PresleywassoscaredshefoughtreallyhardtopushBennettaway,buthedidnotlethergo.Iwouldlovetohavealovelikethat.IthoughtIdidhavealovelikethat.Sadly,Iwaswrong.
“Itwasalsoonehundredandtwentydegrees,I’msurprisedyoudidn’tfaint,”Presleyremindsher.“Youcameoutasweatymess.”
“I’msurprisedwedidn’thavetotakeyoutothehospitalfordehydration.”Shelbyshakesherhead.
“CanwepleasefocusonSofiaforonce?”Shelbyredirects.
“Yes,canwe,”Clarabellaagrees.“Sexonascaleofonetoten?”
Ilookatthethreeofthem,puttingmyhandtomystomach.“Hewasmyfirstkiss,”Iadmit,breathingoutandlookingattheceilingtoblinkawaythetearsthathavenowcreptuponme.“Myfirsteverything,really,”IwhisperasIwalkaroundthedesk,avoidinglookingatthem.I’mnotsureIcanstandthemlookingatmeandseeingthepityintheireyes.“Needlesstosay,I’mnotworkingwiththem.”Ifinallylookatallthreeofthemandtheyjustlookatmeandnod.
“Iftheycallyouback,”Shelbysays,gettingup,“I’lltakeit.”
“Doyoureallythinkthathewouldcomeback?”ClarabellaquestionsmeandallIcandoisshrugmyshoulders.“Okay,hecametodaybutdidheknowhewasmeetingyou?”
“Idon’tthinkso,”Ianswerhonestly.“Theyfilledthedocoutonlineandallcorrespondencewasdonethroughthemainemailaddress,sothereisn’tafixednameonthere,”Isay,puttingmyhandinfrontofme.“Eitherway,thatwasmyoneandonlyappointmentIwilldowithhim.”
“Or,”Clarabellasuggests,“youshowhimthathemeansjackshittoyouandplanhimthebestfuckingweddingofhislife.”
“Howisthatgoingtohelpher?”ShelbyasksthequestionIalmostasked.
“Thinkaboutit.”Clarabellasmiles.“Everysingletimehethinksofhiswedding,heisgoingtothinkofher.”IfIhavetoadmitit,Ithinkit’sgenius,butIwon’tputmyselfinthatposition.“It’suptoyou.”Shegetsup.“Andnomoresweettea,yourfaceisalreadyflushed.”
Itakeadeepbreath.“Iguesswewillseeiftheycallornot.”matthew
IhuffasIskateofftheice,takingoneofmyglovesoffwhileIunsnapmyhelmet.Makingmywaydowntheredhallwaytowardthelockerroom,Iplacemystickoutsideofthedooralongwithalltheotherones.Walkingintotheroom,IpickupabottleofGatoradefromthetrayinthemiddleoftheroombeforeIheadovertomyspotonthebig,longbenchandplacemyglovesonthesmallsquareshelfabovemyname.“Iwasdraggingmyassoutthere,”Isay,tryingtogetmybreathingbackasIsitdownonthebenchandunscrewthecap.
“Ithinkwewerealldraggingoutthere,”Jeffobservesfrombesideme.Hetakesoffthejerseyhehasonandtossesitinthebigbinthatisinthemiddleoftheroom,rightbesidetheteamlogoonthecarpet.
“Beginningoftheseasonisalwayslikethis,”IsaytoJeffasthelockerroomfillsupwiththeguyswhohavecomeofftheice.Everyonesitsdownattheirplaceastheygettheirenergyback.“Atleastwedon’thaveagametonight.”IputtheGatoradebesidemebeforeleaningdownanduntyingmyskates.
I’vebeenplayinghockeysincebeforeIcanremember.Ithinkthereisapictureinmyparents’houseofmeonskatesatayearold.Icouldbarelywalkbutmyfatherlacedupmytinyskatesandskatedwithme.IalwaysknewIwantedtoplayhockey.Imean,comingfromthefamilyIcamefrom,itwasagiven.Mygrandfatherwasahockeygod,tosaytheleast.Heliterallystillhasrecordsthatnoonehasbeaten.Myfatherplayedhockey.Myunclesandmostofmycousinsallplayprofessionalhockey,soitwasnosurprisethatIwantedtodoitalso.Ijustdiditabitdifferentfrommycousins.IgotdraftedwhenIwaseighteen.Notfirstlikemostofthem,butitdidn’tmattertome,becausenomatterwhatnumberIwent,Iwasgoingtofinishschoolbeforeplaying.ItwassomethingmyfatherandIdecidedtogetherwhenIwasthirteen.Iwouldbedraftedandthengetadegreeinbusiness.IplayedhockeyincollegewhereIrecordedtwenty-twogoalsandnineteenassistsinthirty-sixgames.Iwasatthetopofthestandings.WhenIcamebackthesecondyear,Idominatedevenmore,withthirty-twogoalsandfifty-sevenpointsinthirty-onegames.
Needlesstosay,whenIfinallygotmydegreeandgraduated,IwentstraighttotheNHL.Luckilyforme,Carolinadraftedme,soIdidn’thavetomovefarsinceIwenttoschoolhere.InMarchbeforeIgraduated,Isignedanentry-levelcontractandfinallysuitedupinAprilforthefarmteam.IscoredtwogoalsandoneassistinthatgameandquicklywascalleduptoplaymyveryfirstNHLgame.IttookmethreegamestogetmygrooveandIfinallyscoredmyfirsteverNHLgoal.Istillremembertothisdayhowitfelt,likeImadethefamilyproud.Itwassohardgrowingupandwalkingineveryoneelse’sshadow,havingtoproveyoubelongthere,andnotthatyouweretherebecauseofthedynastyyougrewupin.Isliponmyslidesandputmyskatesunderthebenchbeforefullyundressing.Ihearsomeconversationallaroundme,butnowthatI’mnotontheice,mymindwanders.Ittakesmerightbacktoyesterday.RightbacktoseeingSofiaagain.
TheminuteIgotintothecarwithHelena,Itoldherweshouldcheckoutothereventplanners.Iknewwewouldnever,everuseSofia.Canyouimagine?EvenwhenIdroppedHelenaoffatherplace,shewasstilltellingmehowmuchshelovedSofia.Ijustneededtohavemyspacetogeteverythinginmyheadclear.Newsflash—itjustmadeitworse.IswearitfeelslikethePandora’sboxthatwasSofiaandmemagicallyopened,andnowtheonlythingIcouldthinkofisher.
Iwalkoutofpracticewearingmytracksuitandmybaseballhatbackward.Mybrownhairunderitisstillwetfromtheshower,asIshakemyproteinshakecup.Iunlockmycardoorbeforeslidinginandstartingit.Ipullawayfromtheparkingareaandcallmyfather.Wespeakdaily,sometimestwiceaday.Heanswersmerightaway.“Hey,”hegreets,andIhearhe’sinhiscaralso.
“Heythere,”Ireply,smilingandthensuddenlymissinghim.It’sstrangethewaytimeworks.WhenIwasateenager,Icouldn’twaittobeoutfromundertheirrulesandnowthereisnothingthatcalmsmedownliketalkingtomyfather.“Whatchadoing?”
“Justlefttherink,”hesays,andIlaugh.HeplayedformanyyearsintheNHL.HeactuallygottradedtoNewYorkwhilehewasinrehab.MyuncleMatthewtookachanceonhim.Hemetmymother,Zoe,whoisMatthew’syoungersister,whenhewaslookingforahouse.
“Whowereyoutrainingwith?”IaskasImakemywayovertomyhouse.
“UncleEvan,Max,andMatthew,”hesays,“GrandpaCoopercamealso.”Ismilethinkingofmygrandfatherstilllacingup.Hemaynothavethespeedhehadbefore,buthe’sgottheplaysallinhishead.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Nothingmuch,”Ihuff,“justgotoutofpracticeandI’mgoingtogohomeandgetonthebike.”
“What’sthematter?”heasksrightaway.Iknewifanyonecouldtellthatsomethingwasbotheringme,itwouldbemyfather.IfIwasinfrontofmymother,shewouldbeabletotellrightaway.It’sliketheyhavethisparentsuperpower.
“Nothingreally,”Ilietohimbutmyfatherlaughs.
“Yousoundlikesomeonestoleyourfavoritesnackatschool,”heteases,andIcan’thelpbutchuckle.“Howisittobebackontheice?”Hechangesthesubject,notpushingme,knowingthatwhenI’mready,I’lltellhimwhatisbotheringme.
“It’sgood,feltalittleofftodaybut…”MyvoicetrailsoffandIwaitformyfathertosaysomething,butheknowsthatI’mnotdone.“CanIaskyousomething?”Thenervesstartinmystomachandthenspreadrightupmychest.
“Youcanaskmeanything,”heassuresmesoftly.
“HowdidyouknowMomwastheone?”IfinallyaskthebigquestionIaskedmyselfallnight.
“Matty,”hecallsmebymynickname,hisvoicegoingsoft,“IlikeHelena,she’sanicegirlfromwhatIcantell.”Ismilebecauseevenifhedidn’tlikeher,hewouldn’ttellme,thewholefamilywouldbesupportiveofmenomatterwhat.“Butifyouarethinkingthisnow,howdoyouthinkitwillbeinthefuture?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask,confusionrunningthroughme.
“Youaren’tsupposedtothinkyoufoundtheone.Youaresupposedtoknow.Ifit’stheone,thereisn’tthatquestion,”heexplains.“Thereisn’tanyquestion,itjustis.Thereisnosecond-guessingwhenyouknowit’stheone.”
“It’sfine,Dad.”IcoveritupasmuchasIcantomakehimnotworry.“Iwasjust…”
“It’sabigstep,Matty.Forbothyoursakes,ifyouaren’tsure,don’trushintoit,”headvises,andInodmyheadasIpullintomydriveway.
“Thanks,Dad,”Isay,smilingbeforeIturnthecaroffandgetoutofit,grabbingtheproteinshakeandthephone.“I’mgoingtoheadontothebike,I’llcallyoulater.”
“Loveyou,”hesays,likehealwaysdoes,rightbeforewehangup.Everysingletime,evenifwetalktentimesaday.
“Loveyou,too,sayhitoMomforme,”Ireplyrightbeforewebothhangup.Iwalktothesideofthehouseinsteadofgoingthroughthehouse.MakingmywaytothepoolhouseIconvertedintoahomegym,Ienterthecodeonthelockpadandhearthelockturningtoopenthedoor.Onceit’sopen,Iwalkrighttothebikethatsitsinthecornernexttothetreadmill.
OnceIgetonthebike,Istartslowandthenworkmyspeedup.IchuckoffmyjacketandthenmyT-shirt.Twohourslater,I’vefinishedoffthewaterbottleIstartedthirtyminutesagoasIsitontheweightbenchandtrytocatchmybreath.Thesweatpoursoffmeasmyphoneringsfrombesidethebike.
Igetupandwalkovertograbit,lookingdownandseeingit’sChristophercallingme.“Yo,”Isay,walkingoutofthegym.
“Hey,”hegreets,andIcanhearthathe,too,isoutofbreath.“What’sgoingon?”
“Nothingmuch,justfinishedthebike,”Itellhim,walkingtothebackdoorandputtinginthecodeforit.Ihearthesoundofthelockturning,andthenwalkintothebackdoorandstraightintothekitchen.Iwalkovertothehuge,stainless-steeldoublefridge,pullingitopenandgrabbingoneofthepreparedmealsmycleaningladyputsinthereeveryotherday.“Whataboutyou?”Walkingaroundtheislandtotheeight-burnerstove,withdoubleovens,Iturntheredknobfortheoven,placingthecontaineronthepanthatisalreadyinside.IsetthetimerforthirtyminutesbeforeImakemywayupstairstomybedroom.
Theshadesarestillclosed,sotheroomispitchblack,butIwalktowardmybathroom.
“Ijustfinishedthetreadmill,”hesays,andIhearadoorslamonhisend.“What’snew?”
“Notmuch,”Itellhim,puttingthephoneonspeakerbeforeIwalkovertotheshower.“Metmyweddingplanner,”IsaybeforeIpullopenthemirroreddoor,turningonthewater.
“Oh,nice,Istillcan’tbelieveyouareactuallygettingmarried.”Hechuckles.
“It’sSofia.”IcuttothechaseandwalkbackovertothephonethatisonthecounterasIlookdownatit.
“Um,excuseme?”Christophersaysinshock,andIswearIcanhearhimstopmoving.
“Yeah,”Ihuff,kickingoffmyshoes,“youheardme.”
“Whatthefuck?”Ican’thelpbutshakemyhead.
“Yeah,thatiswhatIsaidalso,”Iadmittohim.
“Whatthehell?”Hecontinuesbeinginshock.
“Yeah,Isaidthatalso.”Ipeeloffmysocksandtossthemintothelaundrybasketinthecornerofmywalk-incloset,addingmytrackpantstoit.
“Jesus,howwasit?”
“Whatthehelldoesthatmean?”Iask.
“Imean,likewhatdidyousay?Whatdidshesay?”HeisaskingallthequestionsIwouldaskiftheroleswerereversed.
“Ididn’tsayanythingandneitherdidshe,”Itellhim.“Shepretendedshedidn’tknowme.”
“Oh,burn,”hesays,laughingandIrollmyeyes.
“Itwasn’taburn.”Myheadscreamsoutthatitwas,infact,aburn.“Itwas.”
“DidyoutellHelenawhoshewas?”heasksme,andIchoke.
“Areyououtofyourmind?Webothpretendedthatwedidn’tknoweachother.Whatdidyouwantmetodo?Getinthecarandbelike,‘hey,youknowthathotgirlwejustmet,wedatedfortwoyearsbeforeI—’”IstoptalkingwhenIthinkaboutitwhenIhearhisquestion.
“Isshestillhot?”heasks,andIgroan.
“OutofeverythingIjusttoldyou,thatistheonlythingyoucaught?”Isaybetweenclenchedteeth.ThenIwanttokickmyselfforevenbringingupthatshewashotinthefirstplace.
Helaughs.“Well,whywouldyounoticeshewashotifyouwerewithHelena?”heasks.Iopenmymouthandthencloseitbeforeopeningitagain,butnothingcomesout.“Whatareyougoingtodo?”
“Whatdoyoumean,whatamIgoingtodo?”Iask.
“Areyougoingtocallher?”heasksme,andIjustlookdownatthephone.
“Who?”
“Sofia?”Hesayshername.
“Absolutelynot.WhythehellwouldIcallher?”It’stwoyearstoolateforthat,youasshole,myheadscreamstome.
“Whatareyougoingtodo?”heasks.“Areyougoingtouseherforyourwedding?”
“Areyououtofyourmind?”Iscreech.“I’mnevertalkingtoheragain.”sofia
Iputthecarinparkbeforepressingtheenginebutton.UnbucklingmyseatbeltbeforeIreachforthedoorhandle,Iopenmydoorandkickitallthewayopenwithmyfoot.Ileanover,grabbingthecarry-outtrayholdingthefourcupsofcoffeeIjustpickedup.Ithengrabmypurseandmycarry-onbagthatholdsmylaptop.
Istepout,closingthedoorwithmyhipbeforeImakemywayupthesteps.Theclicksofmyheelsfillthesilentmorning.Thesunisalreadyhighinthesky,butluckilythereisalittlebreezeintheair.MyhairblowsbackaswellasthewhitecapripantsI’mwearing.Thehaironmybarearmsalsostartstostandbecauseofit.Ievenfeelitgothroughthefrontofmycrisscrosssatinshirt.Ireachforthehandleofthefrontdoorbeforewalkinginside.“Youjustmadethatlooksoeffortless.”IlookoverandseePresleywalkingoutofthekitchenwithaglassofwaterinherhand.
Ichuckleather.“HappyFriday,”Igreet,holdingupthecupsofcoffeeasIwalktowardher.
“Wherearewehavingourmeeting?”Iaskandshejustpointsatthehallwayandtowardtheconferenceroom.
“Perfect.”Iwalkbackwiththetrayinmyhand.EverysingleFridaywehaveameetingonwhatweareworkingon.Whatwedidthisweek.Whatwehavecomingupand,mostimportantly,ifwehaveanyissuesthatweneedhelpwith.
IplacethecoffeedownontheroundtablebeforeIturnandwalktomyoffice.ItakethesunglassesoffassoonasIputmybagsdown.IgrabmylaptopfromthebagandthenthefolderofnotesIhave.“Goodmorning,”IhearShelbysayfromthehallwayasshewalkstowardherofficefollowedbyClarabella,whoalsogrumblesagoodmorning
Iwalkoutofmyofficeandtakemyselftowardtheconferenceroomwherethethreeofthemare.“Ihavetoaskyou,”Clarabellastarts,sittinginoneofthechairs,thenleaningovertograboneofthecoffeesfromthetray.“Howmanytimesaweekdoyouworkout?”Ilookatherconfused.“God,shedoesn’tevenhavetoworkouttohavethatbody.”Sheputsherheadbackandtakesasipofthecoffee.
“Iusuallyworkoutthreetofourtimesaweek,”Itellthem.“Notlately,butusually.”
“IkeepforgettingwhenIlookatyouthatyourgrandmotherwasaVictoria’sSecretmodelandthatit’sinyourgenes.”ShelbylooksatmeandallIcandoisshakemyhead.
“SheisthemostbeautifulwomanI’veseeninmylife,”Clarabellasaysinawe,andIcan’thelpbutsmile.Shewasafashionmodelherwholelife,butsheiswellknownforbeingaVictoria’sSecretangel.“Istillrememberwhenyoumovedhere,andshesentclothestoyou.”
“Iusedtogetboxesweekly,”Ireminisce,grabbingmyowncoffee,“butthenIstartedrunningoutofspace,soshesendsthemtomemonthlynow.”
“Well,notthatIcouldeverfitintoyourclothes,”Shelbypouts,“butifIcould.”
“Myclosetisopentoall,”IinviteasIopenmylaptop.Thethreeofthemdothesameaswestartthemeeting.
Shelbystartsusoffasalways.“Okay,let’sstart.Anynewsfromtheum…”
“Ex-boyfriend,”Ifinishforher,andshejustnods.“Nope,”Istatewithasmileonmyface.“It’sbeenaweek,soI’mgoingtogooutonalimbandsaytheyarelookingelsewhere.”
“Wonderful,”Shelbysays,smilingatmeandthenturningtolookatPresley.
It’sbeenaweeksinceIsawMatthew.Iwanttotellyouthatassoonashewalkedoutofhere,thatwasthelasttimehecametomymind,butIwouldbelying.AllI’vedonethisweekwasthinkabouthim.Ilookoutthewindowatthefieldinthedistance.Thecolorsofthetreesarenowinthemiddleofchangingfromgreentoorange.ThewindmakesthetreesmovesidetosideandnowallIcanthinkaboutishim.Especiallythefirsttimewemetor,betteryet,thefirsttimewespoketoeachother.
Iwalkedintofinanceclassandsawitwasalmostempty,exceptfortwoguyssittinginthesecondrow.IkeptmyheaddownasIwalkedoverandsatdownintherowaheadofthem.IheardthetwoguystalkingbehindmeandImadethefoolishmistakeoflookingbackatthem.Myeyesfoundhisdarkblueonesrightaway.Assoonaswelockedeyes,hesmirkedatmeanditwasasiftheearthshifted,whichwasthestupidestthingI’deverheardinmylife.Iturnedaroundjustasquicklyandlookedstraightahead.Ifelthimstaringatmethewholeclass,butIrefusedtoturnaroundandlookathim.
Whentheprofessordismissedtheclass,IwasthefirstoneoutofmyseatandIrushedoutoftherelikethebuildingwasonfire.Ididn’tgivehimanotherthoughtuntilIwasatthebaronSaturdaynight.IsatdowninthemiddleofthelongbarasIsippedmybeerandtradedstoriesoftheweekwithmybestfriend,Ella.IheardthechatterfrompeoplearoundmebeforeIturnedmyheadtowardthedoor,wonderingwhyeveryonewassuddenlyhootingandhollering.Therehewas,theguyfrommyfinanceclass.Excepthewasn’twearingjeansandashirt.No,hewaswearingasuit.Hishairwaswetandhewaswalkinginhigh-fivingeveryone.“Whatthe?”Imumbled,notsurewhatwashappening.
Iwasabouttoturnmyheadaroundwhenhiseyesmetmine.Thesmilehehadonhisfacefadedtoasmirk.Hiseyesneverleftmineuntilhewalkedovertome.“It’syou,”hesaidashepointedatme.
“Excuseme?”Thatwastheonlythingthatcameoutofmymouth.
“You’retheonefromclasswhowaseyeingme.”Heleanedagainstthebarandmotionedtothebartenderwithhischin,andIhadtowonderifitwasasecretlanguageIdidn’tknow.
“Youmusthavememistakenwithsomeoneelse,”Isaid,annoyed.“Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenyou,”Iliedtohim,andhejustlaughed.
“Financeclass.”Herefreshedmymemory,buttruthbetold,obviouslyIrememberedit.“Youturnedaroundandwesharedamoment.”
“Wesharedamoment?”IrepeatedafterhimtoseeifIactuallyheardhimright.Hejustnoddedhisheadwhilethebartendercameoverandhandedhimabottleofwater.“Itwasafive-secondlook.”
“Alotwassaidinthatfive-secondlook,”hestated,andIgrabbedmyphoneoffthebarandopenedthetextapp.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Messagingmymailman,”Itoldhim,tryingtohidethesmileonmyface.“Ilookedathimforsevensecondstoday,andI’mjustwonderingifthatmeansmarriage.”
“You’refunny,”hepointedout,smilingandhiseyeslitup.
“You’renot,”Iretorted,andhejustthrewhisheadbackandlaughedevenlouder.Eventhoughthebarwasoverwhelmedwithnoise,allIheardwashislaugh.
“I’mMatthew.”Heextendedhishandtome.“PeoplecallmeMatty.”
Ithoughtaboutnotansweringhimandignoringhim,butmyhandmovedbeforemyheadtolditno.“I’mSofia.”Ismiled.“PeoplecallmePrincessSofia.”HishandenvelopedmineandIfeltthetinglegofromthetipsofmyfingerstowardthetipofmytoes.ThatwasthenightIhadmyfirsteverkiss.ItwasalsothesamenightIfellunderthespellthatwasMatthewPetrov.
“Sofia.”IhearShelbycallingmynameandIblinktwice.Iturnbacktolookatthetableinsteadoflookingoutthewindowatthevastcountryside.“Areyouokay?”
Itapmyfingeronthedesk.“IthinkIshouldstartdatingagain,”Isaytothethreeofthem,andtheyalllookatmewiththeireyesshiningup.
“Um,yes,please,”Clarabellaagrees.
“Ithinkthatisafantasticidea,”Shelbysays,clappingherhandsinfrontofher.
Presleystandsandreachesout,grabbingmyphone.“Notimelikethepresent,”shedeclareswithahugesmileonherface.“Let’screateaprofilenow.”
“ThisisthebestmeetingI’vebeentoinawhile,”Clarabellagrabsthephone,makingShelbylookoveratherandglare.“Oh,please,Presleysaiditalso.”
“No,Ididn’t,”Presleydenies.
“Ihaveitontext,”Clarabellaretorts,liftingherphone.
“CanwefocusonSofia?”Presleysays.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“I’mfillingouthernameandstuff,”Clarabellaexplains.
“Don’tputherrealname!”Shelbyshouts.
“TheyonlyshareheraccountnamewhichisSunshine45,”Clarabellasays.“Okay,whatdoyoudoattheendoftheday?”
“Watchrealitytelevision,”Ianswerandthethreeofthemlookatme.
“Curlupwithagoodbookorwatchanactionmovie,”ClarabellaredirectsandIgasp.
“Why?”
“Well,agoodbook,youaregoingtogetthestudiousguy,andanactionmovie,yougetanadventurousguy.”Clarabellalooksatme.
“Oh,goodidea,”Presleyconcurs.“Youshouldputhikingintheresoyougettheoneswholiketodoallthatoutdoorsystuff.”
“Yes.”Shelbysnapsherfingers.“Alsolovesgoingout.”Wealllookoverather.“Wedon’twanthimtothinkthatshestaysinsidewithhereightcats.”
“Oh,yes,”Clarabellasaysandstartstypingthings.“Catpersonordogperson?”
“I’mahorsegirl,”Istate,andtheyallshaketheirheads.“What?Ilovemyhorse.”IpointatClarabella.“PutthatIpreferhorses.”
“Canyouputsaveahorse,rideacowboy?”PresleyasksClarabella,whojustsmirks.
“Donotputthat,”Igrumblebetweenclenchedteeth.
Thephoneinherhandstartsringingandshehandsittome.Iseethatit’sanumbernotstoredinmyphone,soIputitonspeakerandanswer,“SofiaBarnes.”
“Sofia.”IclosemyeyeswhenIhearthefemalevoice.“It’sHelena.”Iopenmyeyesandlookovertowardthegirls,whoseeyesgobig.“Wemetlastweek,myfiancéisMatthewPetrov.”
Whydoesshealwaysname-drophisname?Iaskmyself.“Yes,ofcourse,”Isay,myfingertappingthedesk.“Howareyoudoing?”
“I’mdoingamazing,”sherepliescheerfully.“I’mcallingbecausewewouldliketocomeinandmeetwithyou.”
Ilookuptothesky,thinkingthiscan’tbehappening.“Thatwouldbegreat,”Isay,andIholdupmyhandtostopthegirlsfromtalking.Theyjumpoutoftheirchairs.“Whenwouldyoubefree?”
“HowisnextTuesday?”sheasksme,andIpullupmycalendar.
“Ihaveoneo’clockonTuesday,ifthatworksforyou,”Itellher,andshesqueals.
“I’llmakeitwork.Worsecase,Mattycanmeetmethere,”shesays.“Thankyouso,somuch,Sofia.”
“I’llseeyouthen,”Ireply,andthephonedisconnects.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?”Clarabellaasks,puttingherhandsonherhips.It’sthesamequestionmyheadwasscreamingatme.
“I’mdoingmyjob,”Ishootback,pissednow.“Fuckhim.Ifhedoesn’tcarethatI’llplanhiswedding,whythehellshouldI?”
“That’sthespirit,”Clarabellasaysandmyheartspeedsupevenmorewhenitfinallysinksinthathe’scomingin,andIhavetoplanhiswedding.
Ipickthephoneupagain.“Whatareyoudoing?”Shelbyasks.
“Callingmygreat-grandfather.”Ilookatthem.“IfI’mgoingtobedoingthis,I’mgoingtoneedacaseofsweetteatogetmethroughit.”matthew
Iwalkofftheplaneandthecoldairrunsthroughme.HoldingontothemetalstairhandlewithonehandwhileIholdmybagintheother,Imakemywaydownthestairs.Noonesaysanythingaseachofusmakesourwayovertoourrespectivecars.I’vejustcomebackfromafour-dayroadtripwherewegotourasseshandedtousonasilverplatter.Therewasnothinggoodthatcameoutofthisroadtrip,andI’mnottheonlyonegladtobehome.
“Seeyoulater,Petrov,”IhearBrock,ourcaptain,sayashegetsintothetruckbesideme.IliftmyhandasIunlockmydoors.Pressingthetrunkbutton,Ialsotossinmybagwithmybackpack.Igetinthecarandmakemywayovertomyhouse,seeingHelena’scarinthedrivewaywhenIgetthere.We’vebeentogetherforawhileandmovinginwouldhavebeentheobviouschoice,buttobehonest,Ineveraskedhertomovein.Thatandourbusyschedulekeepsusfromevendiscussingit.She’salsoontheroadwithherpharmaceuticalsalesjob.Sheworksprimarilywithspasandsalonsforallcosmeticaspects
I’massuming,oncewegetmarried,sheisgoingtobemovingin,butshehasn’tevenbroughtitup.Theonlythingshereallyhasatmyhouseisatoothbrushandmaybesomeshampoo.Whenevershecomesover,shealwaysbringsanovernightbag,andwhensheleaves,sodoesthebag.
Idon’tknowwhy,butI’mirritatedthatsheishererightnow.Afterfourdaysontheroad,allIwantedwastounwind.Ipressthebuttontoopenthegaragedoor,drivinginandparkingthecar.Turningthecaroff,Igetoutandgrabmystuffbeforewalkingovertothestairsleadingtothemudroom.IpressthegaragedoorbeforeIwalkintothehouse.IseethatHelena’sshoesandpursesitonthegraybench.Ikickoffmydressshoesandputthemtothesidebeforewalkingintothekitchen.
Helenasitsononeofthestoolsattheislandandlooksupwhenshehearsmewalkin.“Hi.”Shesmilesatme,notgettinguporcomingtome.
“Hey,”Igreet,walkingpastherwithmybags.“Ididn’tknowyouwouldbehere.”
ShelooksatmeasIwalkpasther.“IwasintheareaandfiguredI’dcomeworkhereabit.”
“Cool,”Isay,andIdon’tknowwhyitfeelsfuckingawkward.Whendiditstartfeelingawkward?Wasitalwayslikethis?DidIalwaysgetirritatedwhenshecameover?
Iwalkpastthefamilyroomandtowardthestairs,makingmywaytomybedroom.Iopenoneofthedoubledoorsbeforesteppinginsideandseeingthedrapesareopen.WhenIboughtthishouse,ithadfivebedroomsandIdidn’tseetheneedforallthebedrooms,soIcombinedtwobedroomstomakeonemassiveone.TherearesixwindowsacrossthewholebackwallwithasittingarearightinfrontofitwithaU-shapedcouchIdon’treallyuse.Itfacesthebrickwallthathasafireplaceonthebottomandtelevisionontopofit.Theking-sizebedisagainstthebackwallfacingeverything.Walkingontotheplushcarpet,Igototheendoftheroomwherethewalk-inclosetis.IdumpmybagstherebeforeIshrugoffmysuitjacket.Unbuttoningthewhitedressshirt,Ipullitoutofmypants.Iquicklyslipintobasketballshortsbeforewalkingdownstairs.
IcanhearHelena’svoiceasImakemywayintothekitchen,goingstraightovertothefridge.“Tuesdaywouldbeamazing,”shesaysandthenIlookoverasIopenabottleofGatorade,leaningonthecounterbehindme.Asoonassheputsherphonedown,thedoorbellrings.
“Thefoodishere.”Shegetsoffthestoolandwalksovertothefrontdoor.Sheiswearingtightblackjeansandaknittedshirt,andIwaitformydicktowakeup,butnothinghappens.Imustbereallyfuckingtired,Ithinktomyselfatthesametimethatmyheadlaughsatme.
Shewalksbackinwithtwobrowncarry-outbags.“IorderedyouacoupleofthingssinceIdidn’tknowhowhungryyouwere,”sheexplains,puttingthebagsontheislandasshetakesouttheblackto-gocontainers.“Igotyouchickenandalsosteak,”shesays,andIturntograbtwoforksandknivesbeforewalkingoverbesideher.“Igotyouabakedpotatoandalsosomeasparagus.”
“Thankyou.”Istandbesideherandlookathersmiling.Shegrabshertwoblackcontainersasshewalksovertowhereshewassitting,pushinghercomputertotheside.Ipullthestooloutbesideher,sittingdown,andopeningmyowncontainers.
“Sohowwastheflight?”sheasksasIcutapieceofsteak.
“Short,thankGod,”Ianswer,lookingoverather.Itdawnsonmethatshedidn’tkissmehello,butthenIdidn’tkissherhelloeither.Havewegoneintoaroombeforewithoutkissingeachother?
“SoIhavesomenews,”shedeclares,andIlookoverasshegrabshergrilledsalmonandpopssomeintohermouth.“IcalledSofia.”
Theminuteshesayshername,everythinginsidemetinglesaway.“What?”Isay,lookingupather,tryingtocalmmybodydown.Butit’sasifmybodyisgettingreadytogotowarwithahurricane.
Helenadoesn’tevencatchthechangeintheroomasshecontinuestoeathersalmon,likeshedidn’tjustdropabombonme.“Icheckedyourschedule,”shecontinuesslowly,andIwanttoyellathertohurryup,butallmywordsarestuckinthebackofmythroat.ThefoodIatestartstocomebackup.“AndIknowyouhaveTuesdayoff,sowearemeetingheratheroffice.”Shesmilesatme.
Ican’tdoanythingbutblinkather.“Why?”Iaskthestupidquestion.Obviously,Iknowwhy.
“BecausesheistheonlyoneIconnectedwith,”sheclarifies.“Imetwithfourotherplannerssinceher,andsheistheonlyonewhoknewwhatshewasdoing.”
IlookbackatmyfoodandwonderifIshouldtellherwhoSofiais.Butthen,somethingstopsme.“Weshouldgooveracoupleofthings.”Ipushthefoodaroundthecontainers,thinkingaboutthethingsweshouldgoover.
“ThatiswhywearemeetingwithSofia,”shesays,“sheisgoingtohelpuseverystepoftheway.”
“Haveyouthoughtaboutnothavingaweddingplanner?”Iask.“Myauntsandmotherareprettymuchallpartyplannersatthispoint.”
“Absolutelynot,”shedeclares,shakingherhead.“I’vemetthemmaybethreetimes.Theydon’tknowmystyle,nordoIwanttospendthatmuchtimewiththem.”
“What?”Iask,shocked.“Myfamilyisabigpartofmylife.”
“AndyoucanhavethatpartofyourlifeandI’llbetherewhenIhavetobe,buttheyarejust—whatisthewordI’mthinkingof?”
“Amazing,”Isay,annoyedwithherevenmorethanIeverwas.
“Pushy,”shereplies.“Wait,thatisn’tagoodword.Overbearing.”Shepointsherforkatme.“That’sanaccurateaccountofthem.”
“Youdon’tevenknowthem,”Isay,gettingdefensive.“Youspentwhat…anhourwiththem?”
“IspentthewholeSundaywiththemattheSundaylunch.”Sheshakesherhead.“Everyoneisineveryone’sbusiness.Theyaskquestionsthattheyshouldn’t.”
“Likewhat?”I’mshockedandpissed.Canmyfamilybeoverbearing?Onethousandandonemillionpercent,butIwouldn’twantanyoneelseonmyside.Theyareallrideordie.It’sjustlike,known.Youhaveaproblem,youmakeonephonecall,andyouhavethesupportofeveryone.It’swhatIthoughteveryfamilywasuntilImetHelena’sfamily,andtheydidn’taskmeonequestionaboutmyself.Theywereprimandproperandtheoppositeofwhatmyfamilywaslike.Iknewitthen,butIhadnoideashefeltlikethis.
“Idon’tknow,itwasjustintrusive.MaybeifIknewthembetter,butitwasthesecondtimewemet.”Sheshrugshershoulders.“I’llstillplaynice.”Shepushesawayfromthecounterandplacesthecoversonhertakeoutcontainers.“Ihavetogo.Thegirlsarehavingaminiget-togetheratSierra’shouse.”Sheputsherstuffinatakeoutbagbeforegrabbingitandhercomputer.Shecomesbythesideofmystool.“I’llcallyoulater.”Shekissesmycheekbeforeshewalkstothemudroom.
Ilookdownatmyplate,mystomachsuddenlysick,andIhavetowonderwhyit’ssick.IsitbecausewearegoingtomeetSofia,orisitbecauseshehatesmyfamily?“Don’tforgetTuesday,”shecallsoutrightbeforeIhearthedoortothegarageslamshutbehindher.
“Yeah,”Isaytotheemptyroom.Idon’tbothereatinganotherbite.Instead,Igetupandpackeverythingbackup,puttingitinthefridge.Ilookoverandseethatit’sjustaftersix,butinsteadofgettingcomfyonthecouch,Iwalkbacktomybedroom.
Slidingontothebed,Igrabtheremoteandturnonthetelevision.Myheadisspinningaroundandaroundlikeahamsteronawheel.Iflipthechannels,butmyheadgoesbacktomyfirstdatewithSofia.
Afterwemetatthebar,Iwalkedherhome.Sheletmekissher,andIsweartoGod,itfeltlikeIwasfloatingonair.Shewalkedintoherapartment,andIwalkedaway,onlytogobackandringthebellagain.Shecameout,herfacestillflusteredfromwhenIkissedher.“Areyouokay?”sheaskedme,andallIdidwassmileather.
“Yeah,”Isaid.“Gooutwithme?”
“Now?”Shejusttiltedherheadtotheside,andallIcouldthinkatthatmomentwasshewasthemostbeautifulwomanI’deverlaideyeson.Ispottedherrightawaywhenshewalkedintoclass.Istaredatthebackofherheadandhopedshewouldturnandlookmyway.Whenshedid,IswearIheardmyjawhitthefloor.Herblueeyesmesmerizedme;allIwantedtodowasaskhername.IfiguredIwouldbeabletoafterclass,butnope,shesnuckout.WhenIwalkedintothebarthatnightafterthegame,IneverthoughtIwouldseeher,andwhenIdid,IknewIhadtotakemyshotwithher.IthoughtIwasslick.Iwasn’t.Sheletmeknowrightaway,anditintriguedmeevenmore.
“Tomorrow.”IsaidthewordseventhoughIwouldhavesaidyestothemrightthen.
“Iguessso.”Shesmirked.“Wedidhaveaten-secondlook,soI’massumingwehavenochoiceatthispoint.”Icouldn’tstopmyself,evenifIwantedto,andtookastepforward.IwrappedonearmaroundherwaistasIpulledhertome.
“Thankyou,”IsaidrightbeforeItookanotherkissfromher.Thisonewassoftandslow.Hertonguequicklyslidintomymouth.Herhandsrestedonmychest.Iwouldhavespentthenightkissingher,butIslowlylethergo.“Goodnight,”IsaidbeforeIsteppeddownthestairsandwalkedawayfromher.“Seeyoutomorrowatfive,PrincessSofia.”
Irubmyhandsovermyfacetostopthinkingaboutthepast.“It’sover,”Itellmyself,justlikeI’vebeentellingmyselfthissinceI’veseenheragain.“Butfuck,isshebeautiful.”sofia
Igetoutofmycarandtrynottopayattentiontothebutterfliesinmystomach.ButI’malostcause.ThelastfourdaysI’vebeenonedge,tosaytheveryleast.Notonlythat,nowwhenIgoout,Ilookaroundforhim,whichisthestupidestfuckingthingIcouldeverdo.Likehe’sgoingtoberandomlyatthegrocerystoreoratthebakery.
Ibarelysleptlastnight,knowingIwouldbeseeinghimtoday.I’mgoingtopretendthatit’sbecauseI’mnervousandnotbecausemyexiscominginwithhisfiancéeformetoplantheirwedding.AssoonasIsawtheclockhit5:00a.m.,Igotoutofbed,puttinggoldunder-eyepatcheson.Mygreat-grandmotherwouldhaveprobablygivenmeteabagsifIwasstillathome.
Itookextracarewithmyoutfittoday.Choosingonethatlookselegantandsexyinaneat-your-heart-outkindofway.Thechampagne-and-blackcheckeredskirthitsmidcalf,whichmoldsmyhipsandmakesmyasslookperfect.Thelong-sleeved,champagne-coloredsilk,V-neck,button-downshirtmoldsmybreasts.Thesleevestietightlyaroundmywrists,makingitsleekandelegant.Icouldn’tnotwearthesky-highblackshoesbecauseIknewhelovedthem,andIalsoknewitdrovehimcrazywhenIworethem.Thistime,Iwearmyhairloosewiththickcurls,knowingagainthathelovedhowlongandlushmyhairwas.SoIguessyoucouldsayIdressedforMatthewtodaybutnotbecauseIwantedto.ItwasmoreofagofuckyourselfandIhopeyousufferfromerectiledysfunction.
Pullingopenthedoor,thecoldairhitsmerightaway.“Morning!”Ishoutoutsowhoeverisherehearsme.
“My,my,my,”Shelbysays,comingoutofthekitchenwithacupofcoffeeinherhand,“Ibelievesomeoneiscomingtoslay.”
Ican’thelpbutchuckle.“Idon’tknowwhatyoumean,”Ideflect,turningtowalktomyoffice,myfeetalreadyinformingmethattheseshoeswillnotlastlong.Walkingintomyoffice,ItakeoffsaidshoesandslipmyfeetintomyUggslippers.Dumpingmybagonthechair,Imakemywaybackoutandtothekitchentograbmyselfacupofcoffee.
“Thatdidn’tlastlong.”ShelbynoticeswhenIwalkpastherinthehallway.“Thoseshoesaresexyashellbutonlygoodtositinorhavesexin.”
“Iknow,”Iconcur,turningandtryingnottothinkofthetimeIworethemforourdate,andherefusedtoletmetakethemoffwhenwegothome.“He’sengaged,”IremindmyselfasIgrabamugandplaceitunderneaththespoutbeforegrabbingacoffeepodandputtingitin.Ipressthebuttonbeforewalkingtothefridgetograbthemilk.
I’mpouringsomeintomycupofcoffeewhenIhearmyphoneringingfrommyoffice.Rushingbacktomyofficetoanswerthephone,Iprayit’sHelenadecidingthatshehaschangedhermind,butinstead,Ilookdownandseeit’smyfather.
“Hello,”IhuffasIwalkbacktothekitchen.
“Yousoundoutofbreath,”hesays.“Areyouworkingout?”
“I’mattheoffice,Dad,anddon’tevenpretendyoudon’tknowthat.”Igrabmycupofcoffeefromthekitchenandwalkback.“Youdon’tthinkIknowyouputmylocationonthelasttimeweweretogether?”
“What?”Hetriestoactlikehe’ssurprised.“Idon’tknowwhatyoumean.”
“Dad.”Ichuckle.“YouknowitsaysI’msharingmylocation,right?”
“IthoughtIdeletedit,”hesays,noteventryingtopretendanymore.Iwalkaroundmydesk,placingthecupdownonthecoasterbeforegrabbingmylaptop.
“Youdid,butIhavemyiPadandmycomputerallloggedintomyAppleIDso…”Isitdowninmychair.“Yougotcaught.”
“Dulynoted,”hesays.“Now,whatisthisIhearthatyouareonadatingapp?”
Iputmyheadbackandgroan.“IamnevertellingMomanythingagain.”
“Yourmotherknew?”heshouts,andIrollmylips.“Hazel!”heyellshername.“Whydidn’tyoutellmeSofiawasonadatingapp?”
“Whotoldyou?”Ihearmymotherask,andthenIsitup.
“Ismyphonetapped?”Iask,shockedthatInevereventhoughtaboutit.
“Youtappedherphone?”mymotheryells.
“Goodbye,”Isay,disconnectingthecallandthencallingtheonepersonIknowmadeithappen.
“Ifitisn’tmyfavoritefirstgrandchild,”hegreets,andIcanevenpicturehimsmiling.Ipressthecamerabutton,andhisfacefillsthescreenacoupleofsecondslater.
“Heythere,gorgeous.”Hesmilesatthephone.Iknowhe’sinthewarroomwhenIseeallthescreensbehindhim.
“Oh,don’tyougorgeousme.”Iglareatthephone,andheleansbackinhischair.“I’mgoingtoaskyousomething,Pops.”IsaythenicknameIgavehimwhenIwasseven.“Didyouordidyounotputatrackeronmyphone?”
Istareintohiseyes,andIdon’tknowwhyI’msurprisedthathegivesawaynothing.ThisisthesameguywhotrainedwiththeNavySEALsforfun.“IthinkI’mgoingtoneedalittlebitmorecontextthanthat.”
“Don’tyoueventrytolieaboutit.Dadjustgotcaught,”Iinformhim,myeyebrowsrising.
“I’mnotconfirmingnordenyinganything,”hedeflects,pickinguphiscupofcoffee.“Thequestionis,whythehelldoyouthinkyouneedtobeonadatingapp?”
“Pops!”Ishoutandsmackmydesk.“Thisisthebiggestinvasionofprivacy.”Herollshiseyes.“WhatifIwassendingnudestoaman,andyouhadoneofyourmengoingthroughmystuff?”
It’shisturntoglareatme.“Oncethosepicturesareintheuniverse,it’sforever.”
“Takeitoffmyphonenow,”Ithreatenbetweenclenchedteeth,“orI’mtellingGrandmaOlivia.”
Hestaresatme,wonderingifI’mbluffing.“Good,thenthatmeansyouaregoingtocomehomeforavisitbecauseshewillforceyou.”
“AndGrandmaCharlotte.”Iplaymylastcard,andhejustglaresatme.“I’mnotkidding.IswearthisfeelslikeI’mincollegealloveragainwhenyouputallthosetrackersinmypursewithoutmeknowing.”
“Sofia,”hemurmursmynamesoftly,“howwasIsupposedtoknowthatyouwouldn’tbesextraffickedorkidnapped?”
“Threehundredandforty-seventrackers!”Ishout.“I’msurprisedIwasn’tfollowedbytheFBI.”
Helaughs.“Please,myguysarewaybetterthantheFBI.”
“Okay,I’mgoingtogonowandgetmyselfanewphoneandnotgiveyouthenumber,”Itellhim.“ThenI’mgoingtogoontenblinddates,andyou’llneverknow.”
“Okay,okay,fine,”heconcedes,holdinguphishandandthenturningtoclicktwothingsonhiskeyboard.“There,done.”Helooksatme.“Now,whenareyoucominghome?”
“Never.”Iside-eyehim,tryingtoignorehim.
“Yourhorsemissesyou,”hesayssoftly.HeknowsthatI’lldoanythingforPeaches.
“I’llcomehomesometimenextweek,butit’llprobablybejustadaytrip,”Iinformhim.“Now,Ihavetogo.Iloveyoueventhoughyouareyou.”
Helaughs.“Iloveyoumore,Sunshine.”Heusesmynickname,andIsuddenlymisshome.
“Bye.”Ireachouttopresstheredbutton,notwaitingforhimtosaygoodbye.
Iturnmycomputeron,checkingtheemails.IreplytotheonesIcanrespondtoandthensendtheonesthatneedtobelookedattoShelby.
“Areyoureadyfortoday?”Clarabellawalksintomyofficeacoupleofhourslater.Sheiswearingslacksandasleevelessshirtwithsneakers.Shesitsinoneofthechairs.
IlookupfromthenotesImadeyesterdaywithanothercouple.“No,”Iimmediatelytellher,leaningbackinmychair.
“Whatareyoutwodiscussing?”Presleyasks,walkingintotheroomwiththebabyinherbabyBjornstrappedtoherchest.
“Ifsheisreadyfortoday,”ClarabellarepliesandPresleyjustraiseshereyebrows.
“Whatareyouwearing?”Presleyasks,andIstandandwalkaroundthedesk.
“Damn,girl,lookatthatass,”Clarabelladeclares.“ThatisthebestrevengeoutfitIeversaw.”
“It’snotarevengeoutfit,”Itrytotellthem.“It’smoreofanIamdoingfinewithoutyou.”
“Well,whateveritis,it’sworking,”Clarabellasays.
“And,”Itellthem,walkingbackaroundmydesk,“Ihaveadate.”
Theygaspatme,thebabyjumpsinfrontofPresley,soshemovessidetosidetonotwakeher.“Whatdoyoumean?”sheasksinawhisper.
“ItmeansthatIconnectedwithsomeoneontheapp,”ItellthemofthedatethatImadewhileIwasthreeglassesintomywhitewinetheotherday.
“Let’sseehispicture,”Presleysays.Igrabmyphone,pullinguptheapp,andturningtoshowherthepicture
“Helookscute,”ClarabellastatesandIlookatthephonewhenshegivesitbacktome.Ilookatthemanwhoisdressedinapoloshirt.Hehascurlyblackhairandwearsglasses—notsomeoneIwouldtypicallygooutwith,butthisisaboutchangingthingsup.
“Helikeswalksintheforest,”ItellthemasIlookatthemandClarabellagrimaces.“What?”Iask.
“Thatsoundslike,sketchytome,”shewarns.“Walksintheforest.Youbetterbringmacewithyou.”
“AndaTaserforsure,”Presleyadds,stillmovingfromsidetoside.“Youaregoingtohavetoshareyourlocationwithus.”
I’mabouttotellthemsomethingwhenthebellrings,alertingussomeonehascomein.“Shit,isthatthem?”Ilookatmywatchtoseetheyarefiveminutesearly.
“OhmyGod.”Clarabellajumpsoutofherchairandrushesoutofthedoor.“Dibs.”
“WaituntilIcallyou,”PresleysaysinawhisperasIseeShelbyrushdownthehallalso.
“Isthisshow-and-tell?”Iwhisper-hiss.
“Ifit’sshow-and-tell,”Presleyteases,“howbigistheeggplant?”
“Goaway.”Iwalkovertomyheelsandslipmyfeetinsidethem.IcansecretlyhearthemweepasIwalkovertothedeskandgrabmyphoneandthemanilafolderthatisthecouple’s.Isitdowninthechairtryingtosteadythewaymyheartisspeedingup,knowinghe’soutthere.
“Youcandothis,”Isaytomyself,“it’sgoingtobefine.Youaregoingtogooutthereandyouaregoingtogivethemthebestserviceyoucan.”
Ihearthespeakerturnon.“Sofia.”Clarabella’svoicenowfillsmyoffice.“Your…”Iclosemyeyeshopingtohellshedoesn’tsayyourex-loveishere.“…appointmentishere.”
“Showtime,”Isay,gettingupandstoppingbythemirrorbeforeIgoout.Ismoothdowntheskirtabitbeforewalkingout.
Thehallwayseemstobeshorterthanit’severbeen,andrightbeforeIwalkintotheopenarea,Iputonmygameface.IsmileassoonasIwalkintotheroom.
Myeyesfindhisstaringatme,makingmehatethatthefirstthingIlookedatwashim.Hisblueeyeslookstraightatme,andIcanseetheveininhisjawpulseashebitesdownhard.Myeyesquicklylookaway,goingtoHelena.“Helena,”Igreetherfirst,“sonicetoseeyouagain.”Iholdoutmyhandtoshakehers.
“Sofia,”shesaysmynameandIlooktoseesheiswearingpantsandabutton-downshirtwithheels.HerhandisholdingherblackChanelwhiletheotherhandholdsontoMatthew.“Youremembermyfiancé,MatthewPetrov.”
“Ido.”IturnmyfocustoMatthewandseethathe’sdresseduptoday,minusthejacket.“Matty,nicetomeetyouagain.”Iusethenicknameeveryonecallshim,everyonebutmethatis.Iregretreachingforhishandtheminuteitslipsintomine.IsweartoGodatinglerunsrightthroughmelikeanelectricshock.Pushingitawayquickly,Ipullmyhandoutofhis.“Shallwegetstarted?”matthew
Iputmyhandinmypockettheminutesheletsitgofortworeasons.One,itliterallytingles,and,two,mycockwhohasbeeninhibernationissuddenlypeekingitsheadout.Thewholethingputsmeinafoulmood,that,andthefactsheisstillcallingmeMatty.“Shallwegetstarted?”
Oh,I’llgetstartedallright,myheadscreams.ImakethemistakeoflookingatheragainandIhatethatmybodyisreactingtoherthewayitis.She’sjustmyex-girlfriend,sowhatifIwantheragain.Sowhat,thatonelookatherdressedinthosefuckingshoesanditbroughtbackallthememoriesIneverthoughtaboutuntilnow.Sowhat,whensheturnstoleadustotheback,allIcandoiswatchherassmovefromsidetoside.Herhairalsoswishes,andIrememberhowsheknewIlikeherwithherhairloose,sosheworeitlikethatallthetime.
Shestopswalking,andifitwasn’tforHelenapullingmyhandinhers,Iwouldhavewalkedrightintoher.Whichprobablywouldhavebeenabadthingsinceshe’dprobablyfeelmydickandthenthinkI’msomeweirdpervert.Youareapervert,myheadisquicktocallmeout.
Sofiaholdsoutherhand.“Please,haveaseat.”Shewaitsforustowalkintoherofficebeforeshefollowsusin.IwaitforHelenatotakeaseatbeforesinkinginoneofthepinkchairs.Myeyesroamtheroom,asshewalksaroundtheL-shapeddeskgoingtositinherchair.
MyeyesgototheshelvesbehindherasIseesomeofthepicturesofherwithherfamily.Myeyesfindaphotoofherwithachildinherarm.Sheholdsthechildonherhipasshesmilesatthecamera,hercheekonthechild’shead,andmyheartsinkstomyfeetatthesametimeitlurchesuptomythroat.She’sprobablywithsomeone.Myeyesflystraighttoherhandstolookifthereisaringonherfinger,seeingthatthereisnoringthere.
Ishakemyhead,askingmyself:HowfuckingdumbamI?HereIam,sittingnexttoawomanwhoIaskedtospendtherestofmylifewith,andhereIamworryingaboutSofia.IlookoveratHelenaasshelooksoveratme,andIsmileather.
“Okay,”Sofiasays,lookingatusandopeningthefolderonherdeskasshegrabsapen.“I’mexcitedtostart.”ShelooksupatHelena.“Whydon’twestartwithsomequestionssoIcangetabetterideaofwhatI’mworkingwith?”
“I’msoexcited,”Helenasaysasshelooksatme.
“Iknowthefirstquestionthatpeopleusuallyaskiswhatthebudgetis,butbeforethat,Iwouldliketoasksomequestionstoseeifyourbudgetisfeasible.”Shelooksdown.“Howlargeisthebridalparty?”
HelenaspeaksupbeforeIevenhaveachancetothinkaboutit.“Ididaquicktallylastnight;Iwillhaveatleasttenbridesmaids,soagoodcountistwenty.”Myheadwhipstothesidetolookather,seeingifIheardherright.“Webothhavelotsoffriends.”Um,no,wedon’t.IhavelotsoffamilymemberswhoIfoundoutshedoesn’tevenlike.IlookbackatSofia,wholooksasifshe’salsosurprisedatthatnumber,butallshedoesismakeanoteofit.
“Whatnumberareyouthinkingaboutfortheguestlist?”Shelooksbackupandeverysingletimesheneverlooksatme.It’sasifI’mnotevenhere.
“Threetofivehundred,”Helenastates.
“People?”Isayoutloudinsteadofinmyhead,andshechucklesatme.
“It’sabigdeal,”Helenasays.“Youhavetoinviteallyourteammates,plusyourfamilyhaslotsofcontactsthattheywillmostlikelyinvite.”Oh,nowsheisokaywithmyfamily,IwanttosaybutinsteadIlookupattheceiling.“Iwouldhatetooffendanyonebynotinvitingthem,”shetellsSofia,whojustnodsherheadatherasshewritessomethingelsedown.Iwonderifshe’smakingnotesabouthowmuchthisisn’tatalllikeIthoughtmyweddingwouldbe.I’dbelyingifIsaidwehadn’tdiscusseditwhileweweretogether.Bothofuswantedanintimateweddingwithjustourfamily.Yes,thatwouldprobablybeovertwohundredpeople,butitwasn’tanyonewhowedidn’tknow.
“Iknowyoumentionedyouwantedablack-and-whitewedding,”SofiasaystoHelena.“Isitsafetosayit’selegant?”
Helenapffts.“It’sdefinitelygoingtobeelegant.”
“Whatisconsideredanelegantwedding?”IaskSofia,andshehasnochoicebuttolookoveratme.Oureyesmeetasshestartstalkingallbusiness.I’venevermetthisSofia.I’musedtotheplayfulSofia,whoisalwayssmiling,alwayssnarkywithme,butthenalwaysloving.
“Anelegantweddingfocusesontheluxuriouselementsthatbringitalltogether.”Shefoldsherhandsontopofthepapersshe’stakingnoteson.“It’slikeafive-starevent.It’sallaboutextravaganceandbeauty.”ShelooksbacktoHelena.“Ofcourse,italldependsonbudget,butwhenit’sasbigasyouwant,littleconsiderationisgiventothecost.”
“Iloveitalready,”Helenasaystoher.
“Whatmonthwerewethinking?”Sofianowlooksbackathernotes.
“Ithastobesummersinceheplayshockey,”HelenaremindsSofia,andIwanttogroanthateveryonegetsit.Helenaputsherhandonmine,andIjustnod.“Julywouldbethebesttomakesureeveryoneisoutofplayoffs.”
“Arewethinkingoutsideorinside?”Sofiadoesn’tevenlookupuntilHelenaspeaks.
“Iwouldloveboth,”Helenasays,andinmyhead,Iyell,Ofcourseyouwould.“Iwouldlovetogetmarriedinsideandhavethepartyoutside.”
“Wecandothat,”Sofiatellsher.“Usually,theceremonyisinsideunlessit’sanicecooldayandthebridewantsarusticfeel.Butthenwecansetupatentthatleadsoutfromtheceremonyspace.”Sofiaavoidslookingatme.“Willitbeaone-dayevent?”Myeyebrowspinchtogetheratthisquestion.
“Wedefinitelyneedtohavearehearsaldinner.”IlookoveratHelenaandsilentlyIhavetoadmitIwouldhatetoattendthiswedding.“I’mthinkingmaybetwodaysbeforetheweddingandthenmaybeabrunchthedayafter.”
“I’massumingwiththeguestscominginthatyouwouldneedtoprovideaccommodations?”Sofiaasks,andallHelenadoesisnod.“So,weneedtoprovidetransportationfromthehoteltothevenue.
“Theweddingwillbeanall-dayevent?”Atthispoint,Idon’tevenknowifsheisaskingthequestionortellingus.
“Ithastobe,”Helenasays.“Hisfamilylovestohaveparties.”
“Invitations.”Sofiaplodson.“I’massumingthattherewasanengagementphotoshoot?”Shesmiles,andforthefirsttime,Iseesomethingflickerinhereyes,andIlookdown.WhatthefuckamIevendoinghere?Thiscan’tactuallyhappen;shecan’tplanmywedding.
“Wehavenot…yet,”Helenasays.“Iwouldlovetosetitup.”
“Icandothatforyou,”Sofiaassuresher.
“WecanaskmycousinGabriella.”IlookoveratHelena,whorollshereyes.
“Wecanusetheengagementphotosforasavethedateinvitation,”Sofiasuggests.“Irecommendthissincethiswillbeabigwedding.”
“Weddingoftheyear,”Helenasingsandsmiles.
“Soundslikeit.”Sofiasmilesbackather.“Sinceit’ssobig,Isuggestthesavethedatejustsotheyknow.”
“Whenshouldwedothis?”Helenaasks.
“Thesooner,thebetter,”Sofiastates.“Usually,peoplesendouttheweddinginvitationfourtofivemonthsbefore,sosavethedatesshouldbedoneseventoninemonthsout.”
“Well,ifGabriellacan’tdoit,”Helenasayshopefully,“we’llhavetolookelsewhere.”
“Wehaveacouplethatweworkcloselywith.”Sofiatriestosoftenthetension.“Wecanlookatthat.
“Okay,thenextquestionsareforthebridalparty,”Sofiasays,andIwanttogetupandwalkaround,butinsteadmyfeetstayput.
“Wehaveabridalsuiteon-site,”SofiainformsHelena.“I’mguessingthatyouwouldneedmakeupandahairstylist,orwillyoubebringingyourown?”
“Oh,Ihaven’tthoughtaboutit,”Helenasays,andIwanttolaugh.Somethingshehasn’tthoughtof,shocking.
“Wehavealistofpeopleweworkwith.I’mthinkingyouwouldneedthreeofeachtohelpdothewholebridalparty,plusthemoms.”
“Andmyaunts,”Ipipeup.“Mycousinswillmostlikelyalsoneedthat.”
“Wecan’tdoeveryone,Matty,”Helenasays,andIlookather,thenbackatSofia.
“Youmusthavemorethanthreepeopleonthelist?”Iask,andsheleansbackinherchair.“Doyouthinkwecansetuptheextrapeopleatthehotel?”
“Wecandowhateveryouwant,”Sofiaconfirms.“It’syourwedding.”
“ThenIwanttodothat,”Isay,mylegnowmovingupanddownwithnerves.ThereisnofuckingwaythatI’mgoingtohavemyfamilyfeelliketheyaren’tincludedorthattheydon’tmatter.Idon’tevencareanymore;Istandandstretchmylegs.
“Wouldyoulikesomewater?”Sofialooksatme.
“Ifit’snottoomuchtrouble,”Ianswerherandshepushesawayfromherdesk,gettingup.
“I’llberightback,”shesays,thenlooksatHelena.“Wouldyoulikesomeaswell?”
“I’mfine.”Helenasmilestightlyather.IwaitforhertowalkoutoftheroombeforeIlookoveratHelena.
Idon’tevenwaitforhertosayanythingbeforeItalk.“Thisisourwedding.”Shelooksatme.“Butmyfamilyispartofthatwedding,whetheryoulikeitornot.Iwoulddothesameforyourfamily.”
“It’sourwedding,nottheirs,”shedeclares,rollinghereyes.“Wearen’tpayingforthemtodotheirmakeup.”
“Wearen’t,”Isay,“butIam.”Ican’tevenimaginegoingtotalktomyauntsandaskingthemtopayfortheirmakeup.Myfatherwouldkickmyasssofast,scratchthat,mymotherwouldkickmyasssofast.
“Wearen’tusingGabriella,”shestatesasifsheisgoingtowinthis.
“Thenwearen’tdoingasavethedate,”Icounter.
“Canwenotdiscussthishere?”Helenasaysbetweenclenchedteethwhenshelooksoverhershoulderasshehearstheclickingofheelscomingclosertous.“It’ssoembarrassing,andyou’remakingthisexperiencenotfun.”
Iclosemyeyes,shakingmyheadbeforeIwalkbackoverandsitbackdowninthechair.Sofiawalksbackinwiththewaterbottlesonasilvertray.Helenagrabsbothbottles,handingmeone.“Sorryaboutthat,”Isay,notsurewhatI’mapologizingfor.
Sofiasitsbackdown.“Nothingtoapologizefor.Planningaweddingisabigdeal.”ShesmilesandlooksoveratHelena.“Whataboutadress?”
“IwouldlovetohaveanoriginalandI’mworkingongettingadesigner.”Shesmilessobig.“ButI’mopentoanyoneyoucansuggest.”
“Ihaveacoupleofnamesforyou.”SofiasmilesatherandmychestcontractsasIthinkofherhelpingHelenawithaweddingdress.Iopenthebottleofwater,drinkingit.Thecoldwaterhitsmerightaway,andthenshesays,“Wecandothatwithoutthegroom.”sofia
Ilookdownatthepaperinfrontofme,notsureIcanmaskthefactthatI’mgoingtohelpthiswomanpickoutherweddingdress.Ilookatthepaperwiththerestofthequestionsempty,butIthinkI’vedonemypartfortheday.Therestofthequestionsaren’tthatimportant,andIcanalwaysreachouttoher.“IthinkIhaveeverythingIneed.”Iavoidlookingbackup,butIcan’tjustlookdownatmypapersuntiltheywalkout.
“Whatisthenextstep?”Helenaasksexcitedly,clappingherhands.Ifthiswereanyothercouple,Iwouldprobablybeclappingmyhandsaswell.Thisweddingisreallygoingtobetheweddingoftheyearandthecommissionwillbeamazing.Notonlythatbuthavingthisonmyportfoliowillbeevenmoreamazing.
“ThenextstepisItakeeverythingyoutoldmeandmakeaweddingplan,”Itellher.“Youcangooveritandseeifthereisanythingyouthinkweshouldchangeormaybetherearethingsyouseeouttherethatyouwanttochangethingsto.”IgooverthescriptIsayallthetime,ignoringtheburninginthepitofmystomach.“Aftereverythingissaidanddone,wewillhavedifferentdayswherewedodifferentthings.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Matthewasks.
“Well.”Ilookoverathimandfoldmyhandsintoeachotherandleanforwardjustatouch,knowingmytitswillbepushedup.“Oneday,wewilllookatflowerarrangements.Thentheservicesetting,ofcourse.Wemakeamock-upofeverythingthatyouchosesoyoucanseeexactlywhatitwilllooklikeonthedayofyourwedding.”
“Ilovethat,”Helenasays,hereyeshavebeenlitupthiswholetime.Shewastheonedoingallthetalkingallthetime.TheonlytimeMatthewspokeupwasaboutthemakeup.ThiswholeweddingisnothinglikeIthoughthisdaywouldbe.It’snothinglikehesaidhisdaywouldbe.Whenweweretogether,wewouldalwaystalkaboutwhenwegotmarried,butwewerealwaysonthesamepage.Theonlythingwewantedwasourfamilyandclosestfriends.Definitelynotfivehundredpeople.
“Waituntilit’stimetotestthefood.”Ismileatthemboth,thiswholetimeavoidinglookingathim.
“I’llworkonthistomorrow,”Istate,insteadofsayingtonight,becausehowwouldthatlook,thatI’mhomealoneatnight?ItscreamsI’msingle.“Thensenditovertoyou.Ifyouhaveanyquestions,youcancallmeatanytime.Ifyougethomeanddiscusssomeoftheanswersyougaveandwouldliketochangesomething,it’snottoolatetochangeanything.”
“Thisisgoingtobeamazing,”Helenasays,lookingatMatthew,whonodsather.Thesmilehegivesherisasfakeasfakecanbe.Icanseethetightnessinhisshoulders.“It’sgoingtobethebestdayofourlives.”
I’mwaitingforMatthewtosaysomething,buthedoesn’tsayanything,insteadhegetsupoutofhisseat.Helenafollowshimasshegetsup,thesmileneverleavingherface.SheholdsoutherhandforMatthewandheobligeswhenheslideshishandinhers,andalumpformsinmythroat.Iknowwhatitfeelsliketobeheldbythosehands,somethingIwishIdidn’tremember.
Ifollowthemout,myeyesgoingstraighttoMatthew’sass.IshakemyheadandlookdownbeforeHelenaseesmecheckingoutherfiancé.Oncewegoaroundthecornerandintothewaitingarea,Helenastopsandlooksoveratme.“Thankyousomuch,Sofia,”shesays,holdingoutherhandtome.Sheholdsmyhandinbothofhers.“I’msohappywedecidedtogowithyou.”ImakethemistakeoflookingovertoMatthewtoseewhathisfacesaystothisstatement,butheavoidslookingatme.
“Thankyouforputtingyourtrustinme,”ItellherandthenlookoveratMatthew.“Ipromisetomakeyourweddingamazing,”Iassurehim,lookingintohiseyesasIstickoutmyhand,secretlycallinghimanassholeandadickhead.Hesqueezesmyhandalittlebitmorethanhedidbefore.Idothesamething,andwhenhedropsmyhand,Icanstillfeeltheheatfromhis.
HeturnstolookatHelenaandputshishandonherlowerbacktousherheroutoftheroom.Whenthedoorclosesbehindthem,Idowhatanyaverage,sanepersonplanningtheweddingoftheirfirstlovedoes.Iwalkbacktomyofficeandopentheclosetdoor,grabbingthehalf-emptybottleofsweettea.
KickingoffmyshoesasIwalkovertomydesk,Ihearfootstepscomingclosertomyoffice.Ilookovertoseethethreeofthemwalkin,justlookingatme.OnlyafterIsitdownandtakeashotofthesweetteadoesShelbystart,“Howareyoufeeling?”
Iwaitfortheburningtosubsidefromthesweettea,asitburnsallthewaydowntomystomach,andIhavetowonderifit’stheteaorthenervesatthispoint.Iexhaleadeepbreath.“Likeaconcretetruckjustranmeover.”It’sthemostaccuratedescriptionofhowIwasfeelingduringthewholemeeting.Iavoidedlookingathimandmystubbornnessjusttoldmethatit’sjustanotherclient.
“Butwastheconcretetruckfull?”Clarabellaasks,andPresleyjustshakesherhead.
“Whatdifferencedoesthatmake?”Presleyasks,tryingnottolaugh.
“Itmakesallthedifferenceintheworld.Withtheconcreteitwouldbefiftytimesheavier,ifnotmore,”Clarabellaexplains,andIjustlaugh.
“Ithinkshe’sinshock,”Presleysuggests,andIjustshakemyhead.
“Idon’tknowifI’minshockperse,”Iadmittothem,puttingthecapbackonthesweettea.“ButIdoknowthatthismighthavebeenoneofthehardestdaysI’vehadinmylife.”
“It’sonlygoingtogetworse,”Clarabellaadvises.
“Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?”Shelbyscreeches,throwingherhandsupintheair.
“I’mnotgoingtolietoher,”shesays,rollinghereyes.“Whatgoodwouldthatdo?”
“Idon’tknowaboutyou,”Isay,gettingupandwalkingbackovertoputthesweetteabackwhereItookitfrom,“butI’mgoinghomefortheday.”Islipmyshoesbackon.
“Youshouldgohomeandgetdrunk,”ClarabellaurgesandbothPresleyandShelbyhitherarm.“What?It’swhatIwoulddo.”
“Thisfromthewomanwhosleptwithnotherhusbandonherweddingnight,”Shelbysays,laughing.
“Iwasn’ttheonlyone.”ShepointsatherandShelbygasps.
“IsleptwithAcetwodayslater,”shedefendsherself,“twodaysishuge.”
“Ifyousayso,”Clarabellasaysastheyturntowalkoutoftheroom.“Letmeknowifyouneedme.”
“Iwill,”Iassureher,asIpackupthefileandmylaptopbeforeIwalkoutofmyoffice.I’minadazeasImakemywayhome.MyheadkeepsspinningaroundandaroundasIshutthecardoorwithmyhipbeforewalkingupthestairstothefrontdoor,openingitbypressinginthecode.IkickoffmyshoesassoonasIstepin,walkingtothekitchenandputtingdownmybagsontheisland.
Mywholebodyaches,andIhavetowonderifmaybeI’mcomingdownwithsomething.Walkingovertothefreezer,Itakeoutoneofmygreat-grandmother’schickenpotpiesshemademethelasttimeIwaswithher.Iputitonabakingpanbeforeturningontheovenandplacingitinside.Isetthetimerforforty-fiveminutesbeforeImakemywayupstairstomybedroom.Thebedismadesincethecleaningladywasheretoday.Idon’tstopuntilI’mstandinginfrontofmyshower,openingtheglassdoor,andturningonthehotwater.
OnceI’mundressedandtiemyhairontopofmyhead,Istepintothehotwater.MyheadisstillgoingaroundandaroundasIseehisface.Alwayshisfuckingbeautifulface.“Thiswouldbealoteasieriftherewasclosurewhenwebrokeup,”ItellmyselfasIturnoffthewaterandstepout,grabbingtheplushwhitetowel,wrappingitaroundmyself.“No,itwouldn’t,”IanswermyselfasIputonapairofcream,cashmereloosepantswithamatchingoversized,long-sleeved,V-necksweaterbeforemakingmywaybackdownstairs.Thesmellofthepotpieisfillingthehouse.Iwalkoverandgrabthebottleofwhitewinefromthefridgebeforeopeningthecupboardandtakingdownacrystalwineglass.Pouringwinetofilltheglasshalfway,ItakeasipasIwalkovertomybag,grabbingmylaptopandnotesfromtoday.
Sittingonthestool,Iopenthefolderandlookdown,seeinghisnameandthenHelena’s.Ineverthoughtthiswouldbemyreality.Imean,afterwebrokeup,Ihadnoideawhathewasupto.Heliterallyvanishedfrommylifeafterafight.Myheadwandersbacktothatfatefulnight.
ThephonerangandIknewhejustgotofftheice.Theywereatanawaygame.“Hello,”Iansweredhim.
“Hey,baby,”hesaidsoftly,andIcouldn’thelpbutsmilewhenhisvoicewouldgosoftlikethat.“Whatchadoing?”
“Iwaswaitingforyoutocall,”Itoldhim.“Thatwasagoodwin.”
“Itwasthelastminuteofthegame,”hesaid,andIcouldhaveseenthesmirkonhisface.
“Areyoustillokaytogoout?”IaskedhimoftheplanswemadewhenIgotacallfromthetopeventagencyinChicago,askingmetocomeinandmeetthem.
“Youbetyourass,”hesaid,andIgotup.“Meetmeatmyplaceinabouttwohours.Gottago,loveyou,baby.”
“Loveyou,too,”Isaidandhungupthephone.Ispentanhourgettingreadyandheadedovertohisplace.Isatonhisstoopandwaitedforhim.Whenhewastenminuteslate,Itextedhimtoseeifhewasokay,butgotnothing.Allitsaidwasdelivered.Anhourlater,Istartedtopanicandcalledhim,onlyforittogostraighttovoicemail.Iwaspacinghisporchbackandforth,myphoneinmyhandasIwatchedtheminutestickby.Iwaitedtoseeifthegraybubblewouldpopup,butnothing.Ifearedtheworstwhenheadlightspulledintohisdriveway.NothistruckbuthisfriendJake’s.Iwalkeddownthesteps,myheartbeatinginmychest,thefearhadtakenovermybody.Thecardooropened,andhetookonestepoutandthenfell.IrushedtohimbutstoppedwhenIheardhimlaughing.Jakerushedaroundthetrucktopickhimup.“Ishe?”
ThefearleftmybodynowthatIknewhewasokayandinitsplacewasanger.“Wow.”
“Heythere,baby,”heslurredhiswords,andIjustshookmyhead.“Whatisyourproblem?”Heputhishandsonhishipsand,atthatmoment,itwasthewrongthingtosay.
“What’smyproblem?”Ihissedout.“Ijustspentthelasttwohourswonderingifyouwerehurt.Icalledyou.”
“Phonedied,”Jakesaid,butItookonelookathim,andheshutup.
“It’snotabigdeal,”Matthewhuffed.
“I’mleaving,”Isaid,andIwalkedpasthim,buthefollowedme.
“You’resuchabuzzkill,”hesaid.Hiswordshitmerightintheheart.“Ihadacoupleofdrinkswiththeboys.”HestoppedwhenIturnedaround.“It’snotthatbigofadeal.”
“Wehadplans,Matthew,”Iremindedhim,tryingtogethimtoseemyside
“Planschange.”Hethrewhishandsup.“Whatever.”
“Callmetomorrow,”Isaidtohim.
“OrhowaboutIdon’t?”hesaid,andIturnedaroundsoslowlyitwasasifitwasinslowmotion.“Ifyouleave,it’sover.”He’sdrunkmyheadscreamedatme.Itwasnousetalkingtohim,soinsteadIjustshookmyheadandwalkedtomycar,leaving.
Iexpectedhimtocallmethenextday,butinsteadIopenedmydoorandthereweremythingsinaboxonmydoorstep.ThatwasthelasttimeIspoketoMatthew.
Thebuzzfortheovenmakesmesnapoutofit.Thefeelingsjustasifitwasbackthen,likeafreshwoundbeingcutopenagain.Ishakemyhead.“Fuckyou,Matthew,andgoodriddance.”matthew
“Push,push,push!”thecoachyellsasI’mskatingdowntheicewithsomeoneonmyback.We’vebeenontheiceforthelastthreehours.MylegsburnfromhowmuchI’vepushedthemtoday.Ihearthewhistleblowandstoppushingmyspeed,skatingtherestofthewaydowntheice.
MychestisheavingasImakemywayslowlytomoveofftheice.Iskatearoundabit,gettingmyheartbeatbacktonormal.Gettingofftheice,Iwalkdownthecorridorhearingtheguyshootingandhollering.Idon’ttalktoanyoneasImakemywaytomyspotonthebench.Iputmyglovesupontheshelf,grabbingmyphoneandseeIhaveatextfromHelena.
Don’tforgetwearemeetingatthree
IgroanandputthephonedownharderthanIshouldandacoupleoftheguysglanceoveratme.Lookingoveratthemastheyquestionmewiththeirlook,IjustshakemyheadasIundressandheadtotheshower.It’sbeentendayssincetheemailfromSofiacamethroughwiththeplanforthiswedding.
Tobehonest,Ididn’tevenpayattentiontotheplan.Neverclickedtheattachment,theonlythingIfocusedonwashernameandherphonenumberattheendoftheemail.AphonenumberIwasn’tprivyto.Aphonenumberthatwasputinplaceafterthatfatefulnight.ThenightIfuckedupsobadI’venevertalkedaboutit.
Iputmyheadunderthehotshowerheadandclosemyeyes.It’sbeentendayssincetheofficialweddingdetailscamein.Forthepasttendays,I’vebeenburyingmyheadinthegym,inthegame.AnywherebutwhatIamsupposedtobefocusingonandthatismywedding.Isn’titsupposedtobeahappytime?Ithoughtitwas,butitisturningouttobetheworsttimeofmylife.
Well,nottheworsttimeofmylife,thatwastwoyearsagowhenIwasafuckingidiot.Iturnoffthewater,grabbingmytowel,andwalkbackintothelockerroom.It’sprettymuchclearedout,lotsoftheguysheadovertotheweightroomaftertheicetrainingortogoeat.
Isliponmyboxersandthenmyjeanswhenmyphonerings.Ipickitupandseeit’sHelena.“Hello,”IanswerasIputonmyT-shirt.
“Hey,darling,”shesays,andIclosemyeyes.Sincewhendidhervoicemakethesoundofnailsonachalkboard?“I’mjustremindingyouabouttheappointment.”
“Yup,”Isaytoher.“Iknow,amIpickingyouup?”
“No,”shehuffs.“DoyounotrememberthatItoldyouIhadanappointmentwiththedressmaker?”Hervoiceisfilledwithannoyance.
“Musthaveslippedmymind,”Itellher.“SoI’llmeetyouthere?”
“Yes,”shehisses,“nowIhavetogo.”ShedisconnectsthephoneasIgrabthebaseballhatandputitonmyheadbeforeslippingonmyjacket.
Grabbingmykeys,wallet,andphone,Iheadout.Unlockingmydoorandgettinginmycar,thephoneringsagainandIputmyheadbackwhenIseeit’smyfather.Usually,I’mmorethanhappytospeaktohim,butIknowhe’sgoingtolearnsomethingisup.It’slikehehasSpideysenses.
“Hello,”Igreet,tryingtosoundaschipperasIcan.
“Hey,”hereplies.“Whatareyouupto?”
“Notmuch,”Isay,pullingoutoftheparkinggarage.“Onmywaytotheweddingplanner.”Idon’tmentionSofia’sname.
“Isthatso?”Icantellhistonehaschanged.“What’sgoingon?”
“Nothing.”Itrytofakeit.I’mwaitingforhimtosaysomething,buthedoesn’t,soIknowhe’swaitingformetosaysomething.
“Cuttheshit,”hefinallysnaps,“you’vebeennotyourselfforthepast,Idon’tknow,twoweeks—maybeeventhree.”
Istopataredlightandclosemyeyes,eventhoughhehasn’tseenmeinperson,hehasnoticedthechangeinme.NowIquestionwhyhasn’tHelena?“It’sjust.”Iinhaledeeplybeforelettingitout.“Idon’tknow—allthisweddingstuff.”
“Itcanbeoverwhelming,forsure.”Hetriestocalmmedown.
“It’sjust.”Ilookoutthewindowandthenhearsomeonehonkingatme.“It’sjust…”
“It’sjustwhat?”myfatheraskssoftly.
“Idon’tknow,Dad,”Itellhimhonestly.“IswearIfeellikemylifeisspinningoutofcontrolandIcan’tgetahandleonit.”
“Therearelotsofchangescomingyourway.”Hetalksmedownofftheledgelikehehassomanytimesbefore.“Youaregoingfromsingletomarried.Youwillbemovinginwitheachotherandstartingyourlifetogether,it’sahugestep.”
“Butthatisthething,”Itellhim.“Shouldn’titbeeasy?”
Hejustlaughs.“Nothinginlifeiseasy.”
“Iknow,butknowingthatyouaregoingtostartsharingalifewithsomeone,shouldn’tthatbeeasy?Itshouldn’tbedraining.”
“Youarerightaboutthat,”hesays,andIhavetowonderifheisn’ttellingmethisjusttomakemenotfeellikeanidiotrightnow.
“Thebiggestthingyoudidinyourlifewasproposetoawomanandaskhertospendtherestofherlifewithyou.”Iclosemyeyes,notreadytotellhimIneverreallyproposed.Wewereatdinneranddiscussingourfuture.ThenextthingIknow,she’stellingmeshewantstogetmarriednextsummer.IjustwentalongwithitbecauseIthoughtthatthiswasthenextstep.
“Maybeit’scoldfeet?”Iaskandhejustlaughs.
“Itcouldbe.”Hisvoicegetslow.“HaveyoutalkedtoHelenaaboutit?”
“No,”Isayrightaway,“Ihaven’tspokentoanyonebutyou.”
“Whydon’tyoutellherhowyoufeel?”hesuggests.IwanttotellhimthatifItoldherhowIfelt,shewouldprobablytellmeit’sstupidandit’sallinmyhead.
Ipulluptotheofficeandseeonecarintheparkinglotandparkbesideit.“Ijustgottotheweddingplanner.I’llcallyoulater.”
“Okay,”hesays,“don’tbeafraidtotalkabouthowyou’refeeling.”
Yeah,right,myheadscreams.IfonlyIwouldhavelistenedtothatadvicetwoyearsagoandnotletmydumbasspridegetintheway,maybethingswouldbedifferent.Maybe,justmaybe.
IwalkupthestepsandopenthedoortoSofia’sofficewhenIseeatextfromHelena.
Runninglateatthedressmaker,betheresoon.
IpanicwhenIseethetext,gettingreadytoturnbackaroundandgowaitinthecar,butthesoundofclickingmakesmelookupandIseeSofiawalkingintotheroom.Herheadisdown,soitgivesmeachancetostudyherwithoutfeelinglikeIshouldn’tbelookingather.She’swearinganotherfuckingskirtthathugsherhipsandfallsrightattheknee.Atightblacktopshowsoffherperfectfuckingtits.Shealwayslookssoelegantandputtogether.Imeanshealwaysdid,evenwhenwewentridinghorses,shelookedlikeshejustwalkedofftherunway.Herhairistuckedbehindherear.
Shemustfeeleyesonherbecauseshelooksupandseesme.Oureyeslockoneachotherasshecomesfartherintotheroom.Myheartspeedsupinmychest,whichisnowfilledwithnerves.
Shelooksaround,notsureherselfwhattodo.“Hello,”shegreetsme,puttingthefileinfrontofherandIwonderifshe’sasnervousasIam.Iwonderwhatshe’sbeenuptoforthelasttwoyears.Butmoreimportantly,Iwonderifshecaneverforgiveme.
“Hey,”istheonlythingIcansaybecausemymouthsuddenlyrunsdry.
Shetakesalookaround,againnotsureanymore.“IsHelenahere?”sheasks.
“She’satthedressmakerandshe’srunninglate,”Ireply,holdingupthephoneandshenodsatme.“Um,”Istutter,thinkingaboutwhattosaynext,“maybeweshould—”Idon’tevenhaveachancetofinishaskingthequestionbecausesheshakesherhead.
“WeshoulddonothingbutwaitforHelena,”shestates,andmystomachliterallyaches,andIhateit.Ihatethatthiswoman,whowasonceuponatimemybestfriend,theoneItoldmydeepestsecretsto,isnowstandinginfrontofmeandshewon’ttalktome.Whatthefuckdidyouexpect?myheadyellsatme.Youendeditwithherinadrunkenstuporandneverwentafterher.“Howisyourfamily?”Iask,knowinghowmuchtheymeantoher.Itwasoneofthethingswehadincommon.Myfamilyishuge,andbeforeher,Ihadnevermetanyonewhocouldgotoe-to-toewithmyfamily.
“Fine,”sheanswerscurtly,andagain,Ifuckinghateit.
“Sofia,Ithinkweshould.”ItakeastepforwardbutstopwhenIhearthedooropenbehindme.Lookingovermyshoulder,IseeHelena.Sheiswearingtightjeansandathicksweater.
“Sorry,darling,”shesays,walkingtomeandsmilingupatme,gettingonhertippy-toesandkissingmylips.“Haveyoustartedwithoutme?”ShelooksoveratSofia,whojustsmilesatus.
“No,”Sofiasayssoftly.“Wewerejustwaitingforyou.Ifyouwillfollowmethisway.IhavethreetablesthatI’vesetupassamples.”
Ifollowherawayfromherofficeanddownacorridorintoabigroom.“Thisroomisnice,”Inote,lookingaroundattherusticarea.
“It’snotourstyle,”Helenasays,lookingatmeandthenatSofia.
“Thisisasettingarea,”Sofiainformsher.“Ifyouwantedtodoitoutside,atentwillhavetobeinstalled.Thisareaisforsmallerweddingsandmoreforanintimatefeel.”IglareatHelena,whodoesn’tevenfeelfazedbymylook,nordoesshecare.“NowthisisthefirsttableIhavesetupforyou.”Shestopsataroundtable.“Obviouslythisisasmallerversionofthetable.Iwentwithawhitetablecloth,asyoucansee.Youwillseethelargeblackplateonthebottomthatneverleavesthetableuntilaftertheservice.”Shepointsatthelastplatewithtwowhiteplatesstackedontopofit.“Iputtogetherasamplemenuthatwillgooneachplate.”
“Ilikeit,”Helenasays.“Ilikethetallblackvase.”Shepointsatthetallvaseinthemiddleofthetablefilledwithwhiteflowers.
“Ilikethelittleones.”Ipointatthelittlesquareblackvasesthataresmallerandfilledwithtulipsanddaisies.“It’seasiertotalktothepersonacrossfromyou.”
“ThenIdidthisonealittlebitmore.”Shewalksovertothetable,andIhateeverythingaboutit.“Blingy,”shesaysandHelenagasps.
It’satablewithablacktableclothandallthevasesareclearwithblingonthem.Theblack-and-whiteplatesinthemiddlehaveablacknapkininsideofthoseringsthatholdsthemtogether,againfullofdiamonds.“Nowthis,”Helenadeclares,“iswhatwewerelookingfor.”
Sofiamakesthemistakeoflookingupatme,waitingformetosaysomething,butinsteadIjustlookdownatthetable.Thereischatteringgoingonaroundme,butIjuststareatthetablesetting.“Idon’teventhinkweneedtoseenumberthree,”IhearHelenasayfrombesideme.Eventhoughshewalksovertothethirdtable,butIdon’t,Ijustlookfromthefirsttabletothesecond.KnowingIwouldneverchooseanyofthis.
“Okay,soI’llworkonthat,”IhearSofiasay.“AndI’llsendyouacoupleofdecorationsthatwouldaddmorebling,”shesays,andIcan’tevenbegintothinkaboutmorebling.
“Also,Iwouldlovethedancefloortobeinwhiteandourinitialsinblack,”HelenaaddsandSofianodsatherasshemakesanote.
“Soundsgood,”Sofiaassuresheraswewalkbacktothewaitingarea.“I’llworkonthatandsendyouguysthepricesforeachofthosesoyoucanlookatthem.Again,everythingcanbemodified.”
“Thankyousomuch!”Helenashrieksandclapsherhandstogetherallhappy.“Wewillwaitforyouremail.”Sheturnstome.“Doyouwanttoaddanything?”
“No,IthinkI’mgood,”Ireply,lookingbackatSofiawhoisjuststandingthere.“Seeyousoon.”Inodatherandwalkoutintothehotbreeze.
“Whatisyourproblem?”Helenahissesoutoncewegettohercar.
“Idon’thaveaproblem,”Itellher,annoyed.“It’sjusttoomuch,”Ifinallysay,andsherollshereyesatmeandfoldsherarmsoverherchest.
“Happywife,happylife,”shestates.“Now,wherearewegoingtoeat?”
“I’mgoinghome,”Itellher.“Ihaveanearlymorning.”Forthefirsttimeinourrelationship,Ilietoher
“Ugh,fine,”shepouts,“I’llgohomeanddomoreweddingplanning.”
“Okay,”Isay,leaningandkissingherlipsbeforewalkingtomycar.
“You’vebecomesoquietlately,”Helenasays,rightbeforeIgetinmycar.
“HaveI?”Iask,waitingforhertoaskmewhy.WaitingforhertoaskmeifI’mokay,butshedoesn’t,insteadshejustnodsherhead.
“Yes,andIdon’tlikeit.”Sheturnsandwalksovertohercar.“Don’truinthisexperienceforme.”Shegetsintohercarandtakesoff,leavingmestaringathertaillights.Ilooktowardtheoffice,seeingalightonandwonderingifIshouldgoandtalktoher.Butjustliketwoyearsago,Iturnaroundandwalkaway.sofia
I’mstandingintheconferenceroom,goingoverdifferentflowerpicturesinfrontofme.“Knock,knock,knock.”IhearthevoicecomingfromthehallwayrightbeforeIhearthesoundofthepitter-patteroffeetrunning.“Charlotte,becareful.”TheminuteIhearhername,asmilejustfillsmyface.
“Sofia,”Charlotte,mybabycousin,saysrunningintotheroom,hervoicebrightandclear,matchingthemassivesmileonherface.“Sofia,Sofia.”Iseeherbrownpigtailsmovingsidetosideasshemakesherwayovertome.
“Charlie,Charlie,”Icallherbyhernickname,squattingdownandopeningmyarmsforherandshelungesherselfintothem.
“Sofia.”ShegigglesmynameasIburymyfaceinherneckblowingkisses.“Thattickles.”Shesquirmsinmyarms.
“Wow,”myauntHarlowsaysfromthedoorway,“youarewearingawhiteshirtandliterallyjusttookatoddlerintoyourarms.”Sheshakesherhead.“Courageous.”IlookdownatmywhitesleevelessshirtthatIpairedwithmyblack-and-whitecheckeredpants.
IsmileatherandthenlookbackatCharlie,whoisplayingwithmyhairasshelooksatme.“Shecouldbecoveredinredpaint,andIwouldstillwantallthecuddles.”
“Idon’thaveredpaint,”Charliesays,lookingdownatherself.
“Youdon’t,”Itellher,andIbringherbacktometokissheragain.EversinceIwasayoungkid,myauntHarlowwasalwaysbymyside.Wedideverythingtogetheruntilshemovedhereabouttenyearsago.Shecametoattendtheweddingofherex-boyfriend,notknowingtheweddingwasgoingtobecalledoffthesameday.Iheardfromacoupleofpeoplethattheystartedbackagainthatverysamenight.Eitherway,shemovedhere,andTravisisShelby,Clarabella,andPresley’solderbrother.
“DoIhearmylittlegirl?”Clarabellasays,stickingherheadoutofheroffice.“Ihavepresentsforyou.”
Charliesquirmsoutofmyarmsandrunsout.“Traitor,”Imumble,makingHarlowlaughasshecomesovertomeandgivesmeahug.“WhereisTheo?”
“He’shavingafather/sonday,”shesayswithamassivesmileonherface.“Besides,Idon’tthinkClarabellawouldbehappyifhecomesbackhere.LasttimeitwasliketheRoadrunnerallovertheplace,andthenhethrewupinherofficeanddidn’ttellher.”Shetriesnottolaughbutfails.“Anyway,howismyfavoriteniece?”sheasksandIgiveherthebiggesthug.
“Amazing,”Ispoutsarcastically.
“Whatisthattone?”shesays,lettinggoofme.
Iwalkbacktothetable,andshefollowsmeandlooksdownatthepicturesoftheflowers.“I’minthemiddleofplanningmyfirstwedding.”Ilookoveratherasshemovestheimagesaround.“Matthew’swedding,”Istate,andherheadwhipstolookoveratme.
“Matthewwho?”sheasks,butIhaveafeelingshealreadyknowswhatI’mabouttotellher.
“No,youarenot!”sheshrieksoutandthrowsherhandsintheair.“Youarefuckingnot.”
“That’sabadword,Mommy,”Charlottesaysfromthehallway.
“Sorry.”Sheputsherhandsonhercheeks.“Pleaseexplaintomewhatishappeningrightnow?”
Ilaughatherreaction,whichIthinkiswhyIhaven’ttoldher.“Well,hisfiancée,Helena,reachedouttome.”Istarttellingherthestoryasshepullsoutachair.IsitdownnexttoherasIrecapeverythingthathasbeengoingon.“Thelasttimehecamein,hewasalone,”Itellher,thepitofmystomachburningwhenIthinkbacktothedaylastweek.“Hesaidweshouldtalk,butIcuthimoff.”
“Don’tyouthinkyoutwoshouldhaveaconversation?”sheasksandIglareather.Sheholdsherhandsuptomeinamotionnottogoafterher.“I’mjustsaying,youguysdidn’texactlyhaveclosure.”
“Imean,it’sprettymuchself-explanatorythathebreaksupwithmeandthendumpsmyshitatmydoor,”Ipointout.
“Butdidn’tyousendhisshitbackwithaguy?”sheremindsme,andIrollmyeyes.DidIgetpissedoffwhenhesentmythingsback?Yes.DidIdothemostpettythingofalltimeandaskahotguytodomeafavor?Yes.
“WhatchoicedidIhave?”Iask.
“Idon’tknow,maybecallinghimandaskinghimifyoucouldtalk?”TheglareIhadonmyfacebeforeisnothinglikeitisnow.“I’mjustsayingthatyoutwonevergotclosure.”
“Oh,nothingsaysclosurelikeaboxofyourshitthathehadathishouseonyourdoorstepafterstandingmeupforadateandarrivingbackhomedrunk.”Ishakemyhead.
“ThisexplainswhyGrandpaneededmetobringyousomeextrasweettea,”Harlowvoices,andIshakemyheadlaughing.
“Imighthavecalledinasmallfavor.”Iholdupmyhandsandpressthemtogether.“Anyway,it’llbefine.Todaywepicktheflowers,andIthinkI’llbeclearofhimuntilit’sclosertothewedding.”Shelooksatme,notsureaboutwhatI’msaying.“Inothernews,guesswhohasadatetonight?”Sheopenshereyesevenbiggernow.
“Notfromthatdatingapp?”shehuffs.
“Isnothingasecret?”Ithrowupmyhands.
Harlowtossesherheadbackandlaughs.“Ifyouwantedtokeepthingsasecret,whythehellwouldyouletmysisters-in-lawhelpyou?”
“Goodpoint,”Iconcede,laughing.“Well,bytonightwearegoingtoknowifit’sagoodplanorabadplan.Butbeforethen,Ihaveaflowerappointmentinthirtyminutes.”
“Oh,thisshouldbegood,”Harlowsays,gettingup.
“Sogood.”Iputmyhandsupinfistsandshakethemsidetosidesarcastically.Harlowbendstokissmyshoulderasshewalksoutoftheconferenceroom.Igetupandtakethepictureswithmetothespacewewereinbefore.
ThethreetablesaresetupwiththesameplatesasHelenachoseatthelastmeetingandaskedthatIaddmorebling.IgrabtheflowersasIarrangethemonthetablethewayIhavetheminthepictures.
Ihearthebellring,lettingmeknowtheyarehere.Ilookdownatmywatchandseetheyarefiveminutesearly.Iwalkovertothedoor,openingittothewaitingroom,andagainhe’salone.He’sstandingthereintrackpantsandamatchingtrackjacket.Hisbaseballhatisbackward,andIhavethissuddenvisioninmyheadofhimwalkinginandkissingme.It’ssovividthatI’mstuckinmidstep,makinghimlookupatme.
“Hey,”hesayssoftly,hiseyeslooklikehehasn’tsleptinawhileandhisfacelookstroubled.“Sorry,Icamerightafterpractice.”Helooksdownathisoutfit.
“Noworries,”Isaytohim,walkingintotheroom,wringingmyhandsinfrontofmenervously.
“Wouldyoulikesomethingtodrink?”IaskatthesametimeIturntowalktothekitchen.
“Waterwouldbegood,”herepliestomeasIwalkovertothefridgebehindthecounter.
“Isitokaythatit’sinthefridge?”Iaskandhenodshisheadatme.
Igrababottleofwaterandbringitovertohim.“Hereyouare,”Ioffer,holdingthebottleouttohim.Hisfingersgrazemine,andmybodytingles.MyeyesflyuptohistoseeifhefeltthesamethingIfeltand,sureenough,he’slookingatme.
“Thankyou,”hesayssoftlyasIletthebottlego.AllIcandoisnodathimbecausemyhearthasmovedfromthemiddleofmychesttomythroat.Ishakemyhand,tryingtoerasetheheatofhishandwhenthedooropens.
Helenacomesin,andIhavetosaythatwecouldnotbemoredifferent.It’sanightanddaysortofthing.Shehaslighthair,whereasIhavedarkhair.Hereyesarealsolight,whereasminearedarker.HerskinislikeaporcelaindollwhereIhaveagoldensun-kissedlook.
“SorryI’mlateagain,”shementionsasshegoestoMatthew,whosmilesather.“Hi,”shegreetshim,tiltingherheadbackandhebendstokissherlips,butIturnawaybeforeIseeit.I’magluttonforpunishmentbutI’mnotapsychopath.
“Shallwe?”IlookoveratthemasIwalkbacktotheroomwheretheflowersare.Iholdthedooropenforthem.“Togiveabetterpictureoftheflowers,”Iexplainwhentheystepin,“Ihaditsetupwiththeplacesettingyouchose.”Wewalkovertothetable.
“Oh,lookathowprettytheseare,”Helenasaysofthechandeliercandlevasesshesaidshewanted.“ThisisexactlylikeIthoughtitwouldlook.”
“Asyoucanseefromthisflowerarrangement,Iwentwithmostlyallwhiteflowers,”Itellherofthebouquetofwhiterosesthatistiedtogetherwithacoupleofblackrosesintertwinedinthem.Theblackroseshaveadiamondinthemiddle.IlookoveratMatthewtoseewhathethinks,butIdon’teventhinkhe’slistening.Imean,let’sbehonest,thebrideusuallyhasalltheideasandvision.Thegroomisjustaroundfortheride.Iwouldsayoneoutoffivegroomsactuallyhasanopinion.“Thenextone,”Icontinue,“Iaddedgreenintheretogiveitamoreearthyfeeling.”
Helenahemsandhawsthroughtheflowercenterpieces.I’mveryhands-on,soI’mrighttherecreatingtheperfectpieceforher.“That’sit,”shefinallydeclaresafterwhatseemsliketwenty-fivedifferentchangesshehadmemake.
“It’sgoingtolookstunning.”Ismileatherandtakeoutmyphonetotakeapictureofit,anditbeepsinmyhand.
Can’twaittoseeyou.
CharlesandIhaveexchangedacoupleofmessagesoverthelastthreeorfourdays.Ifinallycavedandagreedtogooutfordinnertonight.Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking.
“Sowhat’snext?”Helenaasksasweturntowalkbacktothefrontdoor.
“Iwillsendyouoversomesamplemenus,andwecansetupsometastetestingfornextweek.”
Thephonebuzzesinmyhand,butIignoreit.“Ifthereisanythingthatyouwanttotrythatisnotonthemenu,allyouhavetodoistellme.Ourin-housechefisverygoodatfindingwhatweneed.”I’mabouttosaysomethingelsewhenthefrontdooropens,andCharlescomesinwithabouquetinhishand.“Oh,I’msosorry,I’mearly,”CharlesapologizesandallIcandoissmileathim,whileIsecretlyscreaminternally.Thisisnothappening,Itellmyself,thiscan’tbehappening.Nothere,notnow,andofallpeoplenotwithMatthewhere.MyheartspeedsupasItakeasteptohim.IcanseeMatthewlookathimandthenbackatme.
“It’sfine,”Isay,walkingtohim.“Wewerejustfinishingup.”Istandinfrontofhimandlookintohisbrowneyes.“Doyouwanttowaitinmyoffice?”Please,God,don’tmakehimsayhedoesn’tknowwhichoneitis.Iasktheuniversetobekindtome.
“Oh,don’tevenworryaboutit,”Helenasays.“Wetookuptoomuchofyourtime.”ShesmilesatmeandthenlooksatMatthew,whojustsizeshimup.“Haveagreatnight.”
“Thankyou,”Isaytothemastheywalkout,andIswearIfeellikeIletoutthebiggestsighofrelief.
“I’mreallysorry.Ithoughtyousaidyouweredone,”Charlessays.
“No,no,it’sfine.”Itrytoplayitoff,laughingnervously.“ItwentlongerthanIthoughtitwouldbe.”
“Theseareforyou,”heannounces,handingmethebouquetofcarnations.Don’tjudgehim,theleftsideofmybrainsays,whiletherightsidesays,thatflowerisforfunerals.
“Thankyou,I’mgoingtoputtheseinwaterandthenwecangetgoing,”Itellhim,andhejustnodsatme.Iwalkovertothekitchen,takingacoupleofglancesathimwhilehetakesalookatthepicturesonthewall.Hestandsthereinchinosandasweater.He’saboutsixfootthree,andhisblackhairiscurly.Hepusheshisglassesupfromthemiddleofhisnose.
Whyareyoudoingthis?Iaskmyselfrightbeforetheothersideofmyheadsays,she’stryingnottothinkabouttheguywhojustleft.matthew
Iwalkintothehouseandtossmykeysontheislandinthekitchen.Myheadfeelslikeit’sgoingtoexplode.Slidingmyjacketoffandputtingitonthestool,Iwalkovertothebathroomonthemainfloorandopenthefirstdrawer,grabbingthebottleofibuprofen.Iopenthetopandshaketwooutinmyhandbeforepoppingtheminmymouth.Iturnthewateron,bendingtotakesomeinmymouthtoswallowthepills.Iputthebottlebackinthedrawer,slammingitshutatthesametimeIhearthedoorclose.Whatafuckingdaythishasbeen.
GettingtothevenueaheadofHelenawasn’tsomethingIplanned,butIalsowasn’tmadaboutit.Thelasttimeweweretogether,Itriedtogethertotalktomeaboutthings,butsheignoredmeateverysingleturn.HowthehellamIsupposedtoapologizetoherifshewon’tgivemethetimeofday?IjustwantedtotellherIwassorry.Toexplainwhathappenedwasmebeingyounganddumb,butshewouldn’thearmeout.Imean,itcouldhavebeenworse,shecouldhavetoldmetogoandfuckmyself,whichissomethingIthinkIwouldhavedonetomyself.Orshecouldhaveeasilykickedmeintheballs,whichisalsowhatIdeserved.Butinstead,wepretendedwedidn’tloveeachotherfortwoyears.Wepretendedwebarelykneweachotherwhen,infact,Ikneweverysinglefuckinginchofherwithmyeyesclosed.ShewasmyfirstloveandIknowtheysayyouneverforgetyourfirstlove.IwasjusthopingIwouldbeabletosurvivemyfirstlove.
“I’mhere,”Helenaannouncesfromthedoor,“andIgotfood.”Iclosemyeyesasmyheadfallsforward.IputmyhandsonthewhitemarblecounterasItakeadeepinhaleandthenexhale.Theheadacheisnowpoundingevenmore.“Matty,”shecallsforme.
“Inthebathroom,”Isayovermyshoulder,andIhearhermakingherwaytowardthekitchen.Itakeacoupleofminutestomyselfbeforepushingoffthecounterandwalkingout.
Thelightsarealloninthekitchenasshemovesaroundtograbplates.“Doyouwantanythingtodrink?”sheasksoverhershoulder.
“Justwater,”ItellherasIwalkovertothefridge,grabbingabottleofwater.Sheleansoverme,graspingthebottleofwhitewinesheopenedlastweekendwhenshecamefordinner.Shewalksovertotheside,grabbingacrystalglassasshepopsthecorkoutandpoursherselfasmallglass.
Iwalkovertothebagsontheisland,reachinginandgrabbingoneofthetakeoutcontainers.“Igotyouchicken,”sheinformsmeasIpickupthesecondoneandseeit’schicken.Igrabbothcontainersandtakethemovertothestools.Placingoneinfrontofherplace,Isitdownonmyownstoolandopenthecontainer.“Areyounotgoingtouseaplate?”sheasks,comingoverwithtwoplatesinherhand.
“No,”Isay,grabbingaforkandknifefromherasshesitsdownonthestoolbesideme.
Shesitsdownandplatesherfoodbeforestartingtoeat.“Sowhichflowersdidyoulikethemost?”sheasks,andIshrugmyshoulders.
“Theyalllookedthesametome,”Ianswerherhonestly,withouttellinghermyheadwastryingtofocusontheflowersbutinsteadIwastryingnottorunoutofthere.
“DidyoulikethenewtouchesIadded?”shequizzesme,grabbingherglassofwineandtakingasip.“Ithinkmoreblingmakesitmoreelegant.”
“Wecanagreetodisagreeonthat,”Isay,tryingtojustfinishmychicken.
Iknowshewantstosaysomethingbutinsteadshesaysnothing.Shecutsapieceofhersalmonbeforesheturnsbacktome.“You’requiet.”Idon’tknowifsheisaskingmeortellingme.
Ilookoveratherandseeherlookingatme,herforkdownontheplateinfrontofher.“No,I’mnot.”Ishakemyheadandavoidmakingeyecontactwithher.Ijustneedtoshakethisoff,Ithinktomyself.
“Yes,youare,”sheretorts,hervoicegoinghigherattheend.“Youdon’tcallmeanymore.It’salwaysmewhocallsyou.”Itrytofindacomebacktosaysomethingtoher,butforthelifeofmeIdon’trememberwhenthelasttimeIcalledherwas.Imean,wetalkmostlyeveryday;I’vebeenontheroadquiteabit.Sometimesthetimedifferencewasanissue.Iclosemyeyes,thinkingthatallI’mdoingismakingexcusesforbeinganasshole.
“It’sbeenabusymonth,”Isay,avoidinglookingather.
“Wehaven’thadsexinoversixweeks.”Ilookoverather,prettysurethatiswrong.“Don’teventry,”shewarnsme,hertonesoundingmoreandmoreannoyed.“You’vebeenoutofitsincewestartedplanningthewedding.”Noshit,myheadscreamsather.Iputmyownforkdown,knowingsheisn’tgoingtojustletthisslide.Ialsoknow,perhapsweshouldhavethisconversation.Iknowdeepdowninsidethisconversationisamonthtoolate.ThisconversationshouldhavehappenedtheminuteshetoldmeSofiawasourweddingplanner.Ishouldhaveputmyfootdownandtoldherno.“Doyounotwanttodothis?”sheasks.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Ilookdownatmyhandontheisland.Myfingertapsnervouslyasmyheartspeedsupnow.
“Doyounotwanttogetmarried?”Theminuteshesaysthosewords,it’sasifmyheadjustscreams.IclosemyeyesforasecondbeforeIlookoverather.Idon’thavetosayawordtoher.Idon’tsayanythingbecauseallofthewordsfeelliketheyarespinningaroundandaroundinmyheadasItrytofindtherightones.Butshedoesn’tgivemethatminutetocomposethem,andtobehonest,isn’taminutetoolong?Itshouldbeaquickanswer.“OhmyGod,youdon’t!”sheshrieksandpushesawayfromtheisland.
Iwatchherwalktotheothersideoftheislandasshestaresatme.“Idon’tknow.”ThewordscomeoutinawhisperasIadmititfinallytoher.Ithoughtsayingitoutloudwouldbelikeaweightbeingliftedoffmyshoulders,butit’snotlikethatatall.
“Whatthefuck,Matty?”sheyells,herhandsgoingupintheair.Yes,whatthefuckindeed,myheaddoesn’thelpthissituationatall.
Itakeadeepinhaleasthepitofmystomachburnsandtheheatstartstorisetomyneck.
“Idon’tthinkweshouldgetmarried.”Thewordsthathavebeenonthetipofmytongueforthelastmonthfinallycomeout.Shockingevenmyself.
Ilookather,waitingforhertosaysomething.Waitingforasignthatmaybeweshouldgetmarried.Perhapswejustneedtotalkthisout.Butwhenshesaysthenextwords,Iknowitwouldnothaveworkedintheend.“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?Ijustputinmyorderformyweddingdress.”Iclosemyeyes.Insteadoftellingmethatweloveeachotherandcanworkthroughwhateverisgoingon,she’smoreworriedaboutherweddingdressandthemoneysheputdown.
Itakeasecondtolookather,seeinghereyeslookingatmelikeshecouldkillme.Therearenotearstherebecauseourrelationshipisending.“I’llreimburseyou,”istheonlythingIsaytoher,andifIthoughtherlookcouldkillmebefore,Iwaswrong.Thislookwouldhavemetenfeetinthegrave.“Fuckyou,Matty,”shehisses,“doyouknowhowembarrassingthisisgoingtobeforme?”
Iclosemyeyesasshehuffsandrubmyhandsovermyface.“Youthinkthisiseasyforme?”
“Idon’tgiveafuckaboutifit’seasyforyouornot.WhatthehellamIsupposedtotellmyfamily?”
Ishakemyhead.“Ihavenoidea.Wecouldmaybejustsaythatweareputtingitonthebackburner.”Itrytothinkofsomethingtotellher.
“Backburner,”sherepeatswhatIsaidandevenIwanttoshakemyheadathowdumbitsounded.“Fuckyou,Matty.”Sheturnsandgrabsherstuff.“Fuckyouallthewaytohell,whereyouaregoingtorotfordoingthistome.”
“Helena,”Icallhernamebeforeshewalksoutoftheroom.“I’mreallysorry.”
“Ican’tbelieveIwasgoingtosettlebymarryingyou,”shesays.“Mymothersaidyouwerebeneathme,”shepffts,andIaboutlaughathowchildishshesounds.“Imean,lookatyourfamily.”
Istareatherforagoodfiveseconds,givingherachancenottosaythenextwordsabouttocomeoutofhermouth.Shewantstoshitonme,fine,Ideserveit,butmyfamily.“Watchit,”isallIsay.
“Orwhat?”Shecocksherhiptotheside.“You’reasadexcuseforaman.”
“Actually.”Iholdmyhandup.“Asadexcuseofamanwouldhavegonethroughwiththeweddingandthendivorcedyou.”Shetakesonemorelookatmebeforeshakingherheadandwalkingoutthedoor,slammingitashardasshecanbehindher.
Myheadfallsforward,andIdon’tknowifIdoasighofrelieforifit’sanIfuckedupsigh.Eitherway,Ipushawayfromtheislandandwalkovertothelivingroom.Isitdownonthecouchandrestmyheadback.Lookingupattheceiling,Irunthepasthourthroughmyhead.
Itrytopiecethepuzzlethatisgoingoninmyheadastowhenitallwenttoshit.Whendiditchange?WasitalwaysthiswayandIwasjustblindtoit?
Gettingup,Iwalkoverandgrabmyjacketandwalkbackovertothecouch.Lookingatit,IknowthereisonlyonepersonwhoIcanpossiblycall.ThereisonlyonepersonwhoIwanttocallrightnow.Idialthenumber,puttingitonspeaker.OneringleadstotwoandIknowthereisneverthreerings.“Hello,”heanswersbeforethesecondringevenfinishes.
“Dad,”Isay,myvoicemonotone,“theweddingisoff.”Iclosemyeyesasthewordscomeout.
“I’monmyway,”hesays.“I’llbetheretomorrow.”Ilookdownatthephone.“Areyouokay?”
“Ihavenoidea,”istheonlyanswerIcansay.“I’mkindofnumb,tobehonest.”
“It’llbeokay,”heassuresmesoftly.“Ipromiseyouit’llbeokay.I’mgoingtogetthingsorganizedhereandI’llsendyouthedetails.”
“Okay,”Isay.EventhoughIknowIshouldtellhimthatit’sfine,somethingabouthimcomingtomemakesitfeellikeeverythingisgoingtobeokay
Ihangupthephonebutnevermovefromthecouch.Myphoneringsfiveminuteslater.WhenIlookdown,thinkingit’smyfather,insteadIseeit’sChristopher.“Hello.”
“Whatthefuckhappened?”heasksassoonasIanswerthephone.
“Whotoldyou?”Iask,closingmyeyes.
Hechucklesonhissideofthephone.“TheysentouttheBat-Signal.”
ForthefirsttimesinceHelenaandIbrokeup,Ilaugh,anditjustfeelslighterinmychest.Idon’tknowwhyI’msurprisedthatitalreadymadeittohim.Actually,I’msurprisedittookhimfiveminutes.“Itwasallwrong,man,”Ifinallyadmititoutloud.“Allfuckingwrong.”
“DoesthishavetodowithSofia?”HewastheonlyoneItoldthatIsawheragain.
“No,”Ianswerwithoutthinkingtwice.“ThishadeverythingtodowithHelenaandme.”
“Well,IwishIcouldbethereforyoutomorrow.”Helaughs.“I’llFaceTimesometimesoon,forsure.”
“Thanks,”Itellhim.“I’llcallyoutomorrow.I’mgoingtogoand—”
“Definitelynotdrownyoursorrows,”hejokeswithme.
“Nah,”Isay,afterthenightthatIfuckedupeverything,Inevertookanotherdrinkagain.Iwasnevernotgoingtohaveaclearhead.Actually,scratchthat,theonlytimeIwouldmakeanexceptionwasifIwontheStanleyCup,otherwiseitwasalwaysano.“Thanksforcheckingonme.”
“Always,”hestatesbeforehedisconnects.Iputmyphonedownbesideme,takinginthequietofthehousewhenthephonebeepsbesideme.
Lookingover,IseethatHelenatextedme.Idon’tknowwhatI’mexpectingbutitgivesmealightofwhosheis
I’mnotpayingtheweddingplanner.sofia
Ijogupthestepstotheoffice,pullingopenthedoor.Takingalookaround,Iseenoonetherewaitingforme,whichisweirdsinceIhadmydatelastnight.“Goodmorning,”IsayloudlywhileIturntowalkdownthehallwaytomyoffice.
“Wearealreadyintheconferenceroom,waitingtobebriefed!”Clarabellayellsout.
“Wehavecoffeeandmimosas,”Presleysays,“withoutchampagnebecauseShelbyisastickinthemud.”Irollmylips.“Andwehavetowork,”shemimicsShelby.
“It’sfreshlysqueezed,”Shelbygasps.
IlaughasIpassbymyofficeandwalkrightintotheconferenceroom.“Socoffeeandorangejuice?”Isay,lookingatthetraythatisinthemiddleofthedesk,whichholdsapotofcoffeeandapitcheroforangejuicewithfourglassesbesideit.Thereisalsoatrayofcroissantsnexttoitwithfreshfruit.“Oh,lookatthiscontinentalbreakfast.”Ipulloutachairandsitdown,placingmypursetotheside.
Igrabamugforthecoffeeandpourit,addingasplashofmilk.“So?”Shelbylooksoveratme.
“So,”Isay,“itwasnice.”Itrytosoundoptimistic.
“Itwasnice,”PresleyrepeatsandthenlooksoveratClarabella,whojustshrugsbeforetalking.
“I’mjustgoingtosayIwasright.”Shelooksathersistersandbackatme.
“Rightabout?”Iask,takingasipofmycoffee.
“Isaidthatyoudidn’tsleepwithhimlastnight,”shefinallysays,andIgasp.“Theysaidyouwould.”
“Itwasafirstdate!”IlookatbothShelbyandPresleywhoglareatClarabella.
“Thatisnotevenhowitwent,”Presleycorrects.“Yousaidshewouldn’tbedoingthewalkofshame.”
“AndIwasright.”Shepointsatme.“Shedidn’tevenwalkinherewithapepinherstep.Itwasmonotone,likehervagina.”
“Ummm.”Idon’tknowwhattosay.“One,Iwasn’tgoingtosleepwithhimonthefirstdate,”Ideclareandthentheyalllookatme.“Andtwo,doyouthinkIwouldcometoworkwearingthesamethingasthenightbefore?”Irollmyeyes,lookingdownatmyblackjeansIslidonthismorningwithawhiteturtleneckandaplaidjacket.“Iwouldatleastgohomeandchange.”
“Sodidyouhavesexwithhim?”Shelbyleansintothetable,waitingformetoanswer.
“No!”Ishriekastheyalllookatme.“Okay,fine,itwasanicetime.But…”
“Nothinggoodcomesfromabut,”Presleysays,leaningbackinherchair,“notonething.Iloveyoubutyou’reusingyourteethtoomuch.”
“Iloveyoubut,”Clarabellaadds,“wecan’thavesexallday,wehaveababynow.”
Irollmylipstryingnottolaughatthem,butIcan’thelpit.IthrowmyheadbackandlaughwhileShelbyjustshakesherhead.“Icantopthat;Iloveyou,butyourmotherisinthekitchen.”
“Ewwww.”Clarabellawinces.“YouweregoingtohavesexwithMominthekitchenofyourhouse?”
“No.”Shelbyshakesherhead.“WewereatMom’shouse.”
“Oh,fortheloveofGod,”Clarabellasays,“itbetterhavebeeninyourroom.”
Shelbylooksaroundtheroom.“Youdidnotputyourskankyassonacommunalarea,”Presleythrowsoutbetweenclenchedteeth.
Shelbygaspsoutloud.“One,Idon’thaveaskankyass.He’smyhusband.”Sheholdsupherhandwithherringsonit.“Andtwo,whatcommunalarea?It’sMom’shouse.”
“Thebathroom,”Clarabellasayswithasmirk.“Don’tfeelbad,wedidittherealso.”
“I’mneverusingthatbathroomagain,”Presleyvows,lookinglikesheisgoingtothrowup.
“Weputatoweldown,”Shelbysays,lookingoveratClarabella.
“Wedidnot,”sheinformsus,andnowPresleypretendstovomit.
“Canyouguysnotwaittogethome?”Presleyasksthem.“Like,it’sMom’shouse,whatthehellwereyouguysdoingthatgotyouallhotandbotheredthatyouneededtojumphisboner?”
“Lukecameinandbroughtmemyfavoritefood,”Clarabellaclarifies.
“Acewasgonefortwodays,andwhenhecamein,hegavemealook,”Shelbyexplains,andIhavetosayIdon’tthinkIhaveeverlostmyheadaboutsomeonethatjustonelookdidit.Liar,myheadyells.WithMatthew,onelookwasallittook,andyouwereeitherdownonyourkneesorpusheduptoahardsurface,fuck,anysurface.WediditintheclosetofarestaurantoncebecausehekissedmyneckandtoldmeIwasfuckingbeautifulinmyear.“Anyway,”Shelbysays,“howwashe?”
“Itwasfine,”Irepeat.“Hewasfine.Itwasjustwedidn’treallyhavemuchincommon.”
“Youdon’thavetohaveanythingincommontogettheD,”Clarabellasaysandtheothertwoagreewithher.
“Ugh,fine,”Iconcede,throwingmyhandsuplikewavingthewhiteflag.“Itwasdull.Hewasnice,butIsweartoGod,IthinkIwouldhavehadabettertimewatchingpaintdry.”
“Whatdidyoutellhim?”ShelbyasksandIliterallybangmyheadonthetable.
“Oh,youdidn’ttellhim,”Presleysayssoftly,andIjustshakemyhead
“WhatwasIsupposedtosay?”IaskthemwhenIfinallyputmyheadup.“It’snotyou,youarereallyaniceguy.”IlookatthemandtheymustknowI’mnotfinished.“That’stheshittiestthingtosay.”
“Notifit’sthetruth,”Clarabellastatesandnowweallglareather.“Hey,I’mafuckingunicorn,soit’sneverme,it’sthem.”
“Idon’tthinkyoushouldgiveupthateasily,”Shelbysays,“maybehewasnervous.”
“Yes,maybehe’sdulloutsideandafreakinthebed,”Clarabellaadds,andIjustlookather,myeyebrowsgoingupanddown.“What?Itsoundedlikeagoodthingtosay,butheprobablyjustdoesitmissionary.”
Iclosemyeyes.“Idon’tevenwanttoknow.”Igetup.“I’mgoingtocallhimlater.”
“Orignorehim,”Presleyurges.
“Thatworkedgreatforyou.”Shelbygetsuplaughing.“Didn’tyoujusthavehissecondchild?”
“Ididn’tignorehim,”shesays,avoidinglookingatanyone.“Iwasbusy.”
Ican’thelpbutlaughbeforeIwalkoutoftheroomandgotomyoffice.Thevaseofcarnationsisonthesideofmydesk.Ipickitupandwalkouttowardthekitchenwithit.“Whodied?”PresleyaskswhenIwalkbyheroffice
“Hebroughtmethesebeforethedate,”Ithrowovermyshoulder,andshegaspsoutloud.
“Youshouldhaveledwiththatbefore,”shesays,laughing.“IwouldhavepretendedIwasvomitinginthebathroombeforeweevenleft.”
Iputtheflowersonthecounterinthekitchenbeforegoingbacktomyofficeandstartingmycomputer.Iscanmyemails,surprisedIdon’thaveanyfromHelenawithherquestionsontheflowers.Everysingletimewe’vehadameeting,sheemailsmeatleastfivetimeswithdifferentquestions.
Iansweracoupleofemailsfromnewclientsandsetupfivemeetingsforthefollowingweek.ThegirlsheadouttohavelunchandIopttojustwork,hopingIcangetthingsdonesoIcangovisitthefamilyfortheweekend.
Thebellsring,alertingmethatsomeonejustwalkedintotheoffice.IgetupandwalkoutwithasmileonmyfacethatquicklyfadeswhenIseewhoisstandingthere.“Hi,”IsaytoMatthew,foldingmyarmsovermychest.Achillrunsthroughme.“Iseverythingokay?”
Heisinhistracksuitagainwiththatstupidbaseballhatbackward.Whyisthatsohot,likewhy?Oh,Iknowwhy,becauseheusedtowearitlikethatallthetimesohecouldkissyouwithoutitbangingyourforehead,that’swhy.“Yeah,”hehuffs,andIdon’tknowwhysomethingseemsoff.“Icametogiveyouthis.”
Heholdsawhiteenvelopeinhishandandforthelifeofmemyhandsstaystucktome.“Youcantakeit,”heurgesme.
Myhandslowlyreachesuptograbtheenvelope,mystomachburningwhenIthinkitmightbealetterhe’swrittentomesinceIwon’tgivehimthetimeofday.Mynameiswritteninthemiddleofitwithalineunderit.Iturnitoverinmyhand,tryingnottomakehimseethatmyhandisshaking.IseethetopofacheckwhenIopenitandIdon’tknowifI’mdisappointedthatit’snotaletterorhappy.“Thatisacheck,”hesayswhenIpullitoutandseethatit’sacheckforthewholeinvoiceofservices,“foryourservices.”
“Umm,”Isay,lookingdownatit.“Youdon’thavetopayforthewholethingnow,”Itellhim.“Iknowyouaregoodforit.”Ilookup,tryingtomakeajoke,buteverythingaboutthisfeelsoff.EverytimeI’malonewithhimitfeelsoff.Likethereisthishuge-asselephantsittingintheroomandwearen’ttalkingaboutit.Butsaidelephantfeelslikeit’scrushingmychest.
“Actually,”hesays,andIfinallylookintohiseyes,“I’malsoheretotellyouthattheweddingisoff.”
Theminutehesaysthewords,myearsstarttobuzz.“Excuseme?”Isayshocked,thinkingmaybeIheardwrong.
“Idon’tknowifthereweredepositsmadeonanyotherthings,”hecontinues,ignoringmyquestion.“Ifthereisanything,Iwillcoverthatalso.”
Iamatalossforwords,andIhavenoideawhattosay.Ikeeplookingathim,thendownatthecheckandbackupathimagain.MymouthisgoingsodryIdon’teventhinkIwouldbeabletoswallowcoldwater.“Sofia,”hesaysinalmostawhisper.
IblinkawaythetearsstingingmynoseandmyeyesasIlookupathim,hiseyessodarkblueitlookslikethedeependoftheocean.Youknowwhenyougofarouttoseaandthewatergetsdarkeranddarker,thatisexactlywhatitlookslike.I’mabouttosayhisnamewhenthedooropens.BothofuslookovertoseeCharleswalkinginwithtwocoffeesinhishands.Helooksatmeandsmiles.“I’llgo,”IhearMatthewsay,myeyesgobacktolookathimashenodsatme.Heturnstowalkoutthedoor,noddingatCharlesatthesametime.
“I’msorry,”Charlessays,laughingnervously,“itseemsIreallydon’thavegoodtiming.”Itrynottoletwhatjusthappenedgettome,butIcan’thelpit.AllIcanhearistheweddingisoff.“Iwasintheneighborhood,”heexplains,comingtostandinfrontofme,“andIthoughtIwoulddropoffsomecoffee.”
Iforceasmileonmyfacebecauseifnot,IknowmyparentswouldkickmyassifIwasrude.“Thankyou,”Isay,reachingoutandgrabbingacupfromhim.
“Igotthisoneforyoualso,notknowingifyouwantedregularmilkoroatmilk,”hesaysoftheothercupofcoffeeinhishand.
“Thatisverykindofyou,”Itellhim,grabbingtheotherone.
“Iwasalsowonderingifyouwerefreetonight?”heasks,puttinghishandsinhispockets,andIcan’thelpcomparinghowdifferentheisfromMatthew.
“I’msorry,I’mswampedallweek,”Itellhim.“AndthenI’mgoinghometoseethefamilythisweekend.”Helooksatmeawkwardly.“ButhowaboutItouchbasewithyounextweek?”
“Thatsoundsperfect,”hereplies,hisfacefillingwithasmile.“I’llletyougo.”Heleansintokissmycheek.“Haveagreattimewithyourfamily,”hesays,turningandwalkingtothedoor.
“Thankyou,”Itellhim,“andforbringingmecoffee.”Heleaves,andIletoutahugesigh,walkingbacktomyoffice.Sittingdown,Iputthecoffeetothesidebeforelookingbackatthecheck,mynamewritteninthecommentssection.IhearthegirlswalkbackintotheofficeandgetupgoingtoShelby’s.
Sheissittingdownreadingsomethingonhercomputerwhenshelooksup.Iputthecheckdowninfrontofher,notsayinganythingtoher.Shelooksdownatit,thenpicksitupandlooksatme.“Whatisthis?”sheasks.
“ThatisthecheckfromMatthewandHelena’swedding,”Isay,tryingnottofreakout,“thathasjustbeencancelled.”matthew
Iwalkintomyhouse,tossingmykeysonthetablebythedoorbeforemakingmywaytothecouch.Throwingmyselfontothecouch,Iputmyheadbackandclosemyeyes,lettingoutthebiggestsighofrelief.
Fuck,todayhasbeenbrutal.Iwalkedintopracticenotknowingifanyonewouldaskme,butwhywouldthey?Iwentontheice,didwhatIhadtodo,andthengotmyassoutofthere,knowingIhadtogotoSofia.Idon’tknowwhatHelenawasgoingtodoorifshewasgoingtocallher,butIwantedhertohearitfrommeatleast.Howfuckingdumbdidthatevensound?Iwantedmyextofindoutfrommethattheweddingshewasplanningwasnowcancelled.IpracticedwhatIwasgoingtosaythewholeridethere.HowIwasgoingtotellherthatitwascancelledandaskhertositdownwithmeforaminute.Iwasalmostthereuntilherboyfriendwalkedintheroom.IrubmyhandsovermyfaceasIlaugh,thinkinghowthisislikeasoapopera.
I’mabouttoliedownwhenthefrontdoorswingsopen.“Honey,I’mhome.”
“Matthew.”Ihearmyfatherhissatmyuncle.“Toosoon.”
“Youcantakethestupidoutoftheguy,butyoucan’tkeeptheguyfrombeingstupid,”myuncleMaxsays,andIcan’thelpbutsilentlylaugh.Forthefirsttimeinawhile,Ifeelokay,oratleastthatthingsaregoingtobeokay.Imean,Idon’tthinkanythingisgoingtobeokayuntilSofiaandIsitdownandfinallyfuckingtalk.Shecankeepevadingmeforaslongasshewants,butsoonerorlater,wearegoingtohaveadiscussion.Adiscussionweshouldhavehadtwoyearsago.
“Thatmakesabsolutelynosense,”myuncleEvansays,andIgetup,walkingovertotheentrance.
Lookingdown,Iseethefourofthemarewalkingdownthehallwaylikeaboyband.“Whatisgoingon?”Iaskthemandlookovertomakesurenooneelseiswalkinginthedoor.
“Youcalled,”myfatherremindsme,whenhe’scloseenough,hegrabsmebymyneckandpullsmetohim.“IcalledEvan.”
“Whocalledme,”myuncleMatthewsays,huggingmeoncemyfatherletsmego,afterthehugheslapsmyarm.
“Andweallknowthathedoesn’tgoanywherewithoutthisone,”myuncleEvansays.“M&Mforlife.”
MatthewandMaxbothmoan.“Thatfuckingnicknamewillprobablybeonmytombstone.”
“Oh,itwill,”Evanassureshim,slappingmyarm,“evenifIhavetospray-paintit.”
MyfatherheadstothelivingroomwhilemyuncleEvanheadstothefridge,asMaxandMatthewwalkovertolookoutattheyard.“What’sgoingon?”Ilookatallofthem.“Itlookslikeanintervention.”
“Biteyourtongue,”myfatherscolds.“Comeandsitdown.”
“Yes,comeandsitdownsowecanhearallaboutit,”Evansays,walkingovertothecouch,sittingontheotherside.“Weshouldorderpizzaorsomething.”
“Thisisn’taslumberparty,”Maxsays,sittingdownnexttohimlaughing.
“Iwasalsogoingtoaddinbeer,”Evansaystohim.
“Comeoverhere.”Myfathermotionsformewithhishead.
Igroan,throwingmyheadback,knowingI’mgoingtoactuallyhavetotellhimthewholestory.Iwalkoverandsitnexttomyfather.“Shouldwe,Idon’tknow,getsomethingtodrink?”Evansaystous.
MyfatherandIbothyell,“No!”
“Jesus,”Matthewsays,holdinguphishands,comingoverandsittingnexttoMax.“Okay,sowhat’sgoingon?”
Iputmyelbowsonmykneesandtakeadeepinhale,myheadhangingforward.“Idon’tknowhowtoputthis,”Istart,“it’sjust,wedecided.”
“We?”MatthewasksandIclosemyeyes,knowingthatwiththefourofthem,thereisnowayIcangetawaywithanything.Ifoneletsmeoffthehook,it’sjustbecausetheotheroneknowshe’sgoingtogetme.Itwasalwayslikethatgrowingup.Wewouldgetawaywithitwithoneofthem,andassoonaswewouldcelebrateourvictory,theotheroneofthemwouldsweepinandcrushoursouls.
“Westartedtheweddingplanning.”Ilookupattheguysastheyjuststareatme,waitingformore.“And,Idon’tknow,it’sjustlikeeverythingshepickedwouldbetheoppositeofwhatIwouldhavewanted.”
“Youcalledoffyourweddingbecauseyoudidn’thavethesamedecorationtaste?”Evanasks,almostlaughing.
“Itwasmorethanthat,”Isay.“Itjust…”Ishakemyheadandlookdownatmyhandsthataregrippedtogether.“Itfeltwrong.”
“It’sbetterthatyoudiditnow,”Matthewsays,“thangetdivorcedlater.”
“That’swhatItoldher,butshedidn’ttakeitaswell,”Itelltheguysandthentakeadeepbreath.“Theremightbemore.”
“Theremightbeorthereis?”Maxasksasheputshiselbowonthearmofthecouch.
“Well,Ididn’tknowshewaslookingforweddingplanners.”Ilookatthemandthentomyfather,whohasn’treallysaidmuch.“Wewentforourconsultationand—”
“Didyoufuckyourweddingplanner?”myfathersaysbetweenclenchedteeth,andIjuststareathimandshakemyhead.Imean,Ididscrewher,butnotrecently.Heletsoutahugesighofrelief.“Iwouldhatetohavetokickyourass.”
“Iwoulddoitforyou,”Evansays,glaringatme,andIjustshakemyhead,notsurethatbytheendofthis,hewon’tkickmyass.
“Iwalkedin,andSofiawasthere.”IsayhernameoutloudandmyuncleMatthewisthefirstonetoholduphishand.
“Sofia?”Herepeatsthename,makingsureheheardright.“TheSofia?”
“TheSofia.”Isayhernameinawhisper.
“Thewomanyouwereinlovewith?”MaxasksandmychestgetstightandallIcandoisnodathim.
“Butyouguysbrokeup?”myfatherasksandItakeadeepinhale.
“Wedid,”Iadmit,“sortof.”
“Sortof?”EvansaysandIjuststareathim.“Oh,thereissomuchmore.”Hepointsatme.“AndIhaveafeelingI’mgoingtohavetokickyourass.”
“Ihavethesamefeeling,”Matthewagrees,glaringatme,andwhenIlookatMax,hejustshrugs.
“Nooneiskickinganyone’sass,”myfatherdeclares.“Younevertoldus.”
“Iguessthereisnotimelikethepresent.”Irubmyfaceandgetup,thenervesgettingthebestofme.“Wewereatanawaygame,”Istart,thinkingbacktothefuckingdayIwishneverfuckinghappened.“Wewonbytheskinofourteethandtheguyswantedtogoandcelebrate.”Icanheartheirvoicesclearasdayinmyhead.“Let’sjustgoandhaveonedrink,theysaid,andIknewIshouldhavejustsaidnoandgonehome.ButIdidn’t,ofcourse,Iwaslike,onedrinkandthenI’llleave.”Istartwalkingtheroom,pacing.“EspeciallysinceIknewSofiawaswaitingformetotakeherout.”Iclosemyeyes.“WeweregoingtogocelebratehergettingintoChicagoevents.”Ilookattheguys,whostilldon’tsayanythingtome.“Ikeptcheckingmyphoneandthentheguystherewererelentless,‘Stay,haveonemore.’”Myhandsgointofists.“‘Stoplookingatyourphone,Petrov.’”Theburningstartsinmystomach.“‘You’resopussy-whipped.’”Ilookupandclosemyeyes,pinchingthebridgeofmynose.“SoIkeptdrinkingwiththemtoshowthemIwasn’tpussy-whipped.”TheminuteIsaythewords,allfourofthemgroan.“Needlesstosay,Iwasshit-faced,andwhenIgothome,shewastherewaitingformealldressedup.Herfacewasfilledwithworrybecauseshecouldn’tgetaholdofme.”IswearIhavetorubmychestasIseeherfaceagain,likeitwasjustyesterdayandnottwoyearsago.“ShewasfranticwithworrysinceIneveransweredhercallsortextsbecausemyphonehaddiedsomewherealongtheway.ShetriedtowalkawayfrommeandI—”
Maxgetsup.“Didyoutouchher?”Heasksthequestion,andifIdidn’tknowbetter,IthinkhewouldhavehitmefirstandaskedthequestionafterifIwasn’trelatedtohim.
“Ofcoursenot,”Ireply,andhesitsbackdown.“ButIwasn’tkindtohereither.ItoldhertostopcomplainingandthenIbrokeupwithher.”
“Whileyouweredrunk?”Evanasks.IrefusetolookoveratmyfatherforfearIwillseehowdisgustedheiswithme.
“Yes.”Thewordcomesoutinalmostawhisper,butloudenoughthatIknowtheyallhearme.
“Oh,forfuck’ssake,”Matthewcurses.“Butyouwenttoseeherthenextday,right?”
“No,thereismore,”Iadmit,andhisheadgoesback,andheletsoutahiss.“MyfriendsweretheretellingmeIdidn’tneedher.Shewasholdingmeback.Shehadnorighttobepissedatme,itwasmynight.”IwishIwouldneverhavelistenedtothem.“Soaftershestormedawayfromme,Iwentintomyroomandpackedupallhershit.”Iswallowthelumpinmythroat.“Anddumpeditatherdoorthatnight.”
“Youfuckingidiot,”Matthewsays,“youfucking,fuckingidiot.”
“Iknow!”Ishout“Youdon’tthinkIfuckingknowthis?Igotupthenextdayanditwasallablur.Like,Irememberbitsandpieces,butwhenIsatupinbed,Isawallofourpicturesgone.Isawmybedsidetablewhereshekeptallherstuffonitempty.”Iwanttovomit,justlikeIdidthatdaytwoyearsago.IgotupoutofbedandIwasgoingtogoovertoherwhenthedoorbellrang.Iran,thinkingitwasher,butinsteaditwasoneofherguyfriendsandhehadaboxinhishand.TheboxIleftatherhouse.Ithoughtforsureitwasherstuffback,butheshoveditinmyhands,andwhenIlookedin,itwasallofmystuff.Iwasdestroyed,butwhenIturnedaround,alltheguyswerethere.”Ishakemyhead.“Iletmypridewin.”
“Oh,Matty,”myfathersayssoftly,andIlookoverathimandhehashisowntearsinhiseyes.
“Yourpride?”Matthewsays,hisvoicegoinghigher.“Haveyoumetherfamily?”
“Yes,”Iadmittohim.“Onlyherparents.”
“Youdidherdirtylikethat?”hehisses,shakinghishead.
“Ididn’tdoherdirtylikethat,”Ifinallysay,andevenIknowIdidherdirtylikethat.
“Youthrewawaytwoyearsbecauseyouhadshitty-assfriends,andyoucavedunderpeerpressure,”Evanstatescalmly.“Didyouevenloveher?”
“Morethananything,”Iadmitforthefirsttimeever,myvoicebreaking.“Icalledheracoupleoftimes,buthernumberwaschanged,”Ialsoadmitforthefirsttime.“Itriedtogoseeher,butshewasgonebythen.”
“Helena,”myfathersays,“didsheknow?”Ijustshakemyhead.
“No,whenwewalkedintotheroom,shepretendedshe’dnevermetme,andIdidthesame.”Isitdown,thinkingabouthowfuckingnutsthisis.“SheactedlikeIwasastranger.”
“Youloveher.”Myfatherdoesn’tevenskipabeat.“YoucansaywhatyouwantaboutHelenaandwhateverbullshitexcusesyouwanttotellyourselftomakeyoufeelbetter.”Hedoesn’tmincewords.“Youweredumbandstupid.”Helooksdown.“Trustme,ifanyoneknowsanythingaboutcavingtopeerpressure,ithastobeme.”Myfatherhasbeencleanandsobersincebeforemeandhenever,everhiditfrommeorshoveditunderarug.“But,son,thinkaboutit.Youarelivingyourlife,andtheminuteyouseeheragain—yourwholelifeisshaken.”
Iwanttotellhimhe’swrong,butIcan’t.Ilethiswordssinkin.“Youhavetoadmityourfaults,andfromthestoryyoutoldme,youbetterfuckingbereadytofuckingbeghertotalktoyouagain.”
“Dad,Itried,”Iexplaintohim.“Iwasearlyoneday,andItried.”
“Afterwhatyoudidtoher,you’reluckyshedidn’tcutoffyourtesticlesandmakepotpourrioutofthem,”Evansays,andmyfatherlaughs.
“YouhavetostoplisteningtoZara,”myfatherurges.“Youtried,andshedidn’tlisten.Thatdoesn’tmeanyouareoffthehook.Thenyouhavetoprovetoherthatyouaren’ttheassholewhobrokeherheartbecauseyouwantedtobemanly.”I’mabouttotellhimIknow,butheholdsuphishand.“Whatevertheoutcomeis,youhavetoclosethebook,thestoryisstillwaitingforanending.”HiswordsmakemoresensethanIcouldhave.
“Youmetherfather?”Maxasks,andInodmyhead.“You’reluckyhedidn’tcomeafteryou.”
“What’sherfamilyname?”Matthewasks.
“Barnes,”Isay,“SofiaBarnes.”
“Whydoesthatnamesoundfamiliar?”Matthewsays,earningamoanfromMax,whorollshiseyes.
“Youdon’tknoweveryoneontheplanet,”Maxdeclares.
“CaseyBarnes,”Matthewsays,andIlookoverathim.
“That’shergrandfather,”Isay,shockedthatheactuallyknowshim.
“Youfuckingdumbass.”Matthewjumpsup,thenlooksatmydad,whojuststaresathim.“CBSCorporation.”
“Thesecurityfirm?”Iask,andheputshishandsonhiships.Hisjawtightens,andIswearIseeaticintheveinonhisforehead.“That’shergrandfather?”Iask.
“Holyshit,”EvanblurtsfrombesideMatthew,hisphoneinhishand.“Thisguyis—”HelooksupatMatthew.
“Hecouldmakeyoudisappear,andnotevenIwouldbeabletofindyou,”Matthewstates,andIswallowdown.“Everyone,calmdown.”Wealllookathim,thenlookatMax,becausehe’stheonlyonewhocanreelhimin.“YouthinkI’mpowerful?”
“One,”Maxsays,gettingup,“noonethinksyou’repowerfulexceptforKarrie.”Heholdsupafinger.“Andtwo,ifshetoldhim,hewouldhavealreadybeenpaidavisit.”
“Isheinthemob?”Iask,myhandsgoingintomyhair.
“Youwish,”Evansays.“ThisguytrainedwiththeNavySEALsforfun.”HelaughsandIlookoveratmyfather,I’msurethebloodhasnowdrainedfrommyface.
“Everyoneneedstojustrelax,”myfathersays,gettingup.“Max,pleasetakehimoutofherebeforehisheadexplodes.”HepointsatMatthew,whojustshakeshishead.
“I’mgoingtoaskaround,”Matthewcomments,“putoutsomefeelers.”Helooksatus,andEvanjustlaughsathimgettingup.
“Oh,TonySoprano,timetogetyouhomeandinarobe.”Evanslapshimonthebackbeforelookingatme.“Youbettermakethisright.”AllIcandoisnodatthembecauseIknowifIdon’t,I’mgoingtohavethesefourkickmyassalongwithherfamily.sofia
ThewindblowsmyhairasImakemywaydownthesingleroadthatleadstomyparents’house.Thesunisshiningsobrightintheskythatit’slikeawelcomehomehug.Iputmyhandoutthewindow,movingitthroughthewind,justlikeIusedtodowhenIwasateenager.Thecrunchingofrocksundermywheelsfillsthesilentcar.
Idon’tevenhaveitinparkbeforemyfathercomesoutofthehouse.Ican’thelpbutsmileashestandsthereinjeansandaflannelbutton-downshirt,andhisdirty-asscowboybootsthatIthinkhe’shadsinceIwasfiveonhisfeet.Oureyesmeet,andhesmilessobighiseyeslightup.“Mybabygirlishome!”heshouts,comingdownthefivestepstowardme.Ihaveenoughtimetoturnoffthecarbeforeheopensthedriver’sdoor.
“Hi,Dad.”IsmileathimasIunbucklemyseatbelt.Hedoesn’tevengivemeachancetogetmybearingsbeforeheliterallypullsmeoutofthecarandgivesmethebiggesthugI’vegotten.Well,sincethelasttime,whenhesaidhehadn’tseenmeinayearbutwasactuallyonlyamonth.
“She’shome.”Heliftsmeoffmyfeet,hisarmsstillwrappedaroundmywaist.“Hazel,”heyellsformymother,“she’shome!”
“Dad,youareactinglikeI’mreturningfromwar,”Itellhimasheputsmedownandholdsmyfaceinhishands
“Youlooktired,”hesays,andIsighatthesametimethatmymotheropensthedoorandslamsitshut.
“Youdidnotjusttellherthat,”mymotherscolds,puttingherhandsonherhips.She’swearingjeansandaT-shirt.HerT-shirtlookslikeshehasjamonit,andIcanonlyimaginethatshe’sbeenbakingsincethismorningwhenIcalledandletthemknowIwasonmyway.IknewtwodaysagoIwascoming,butIdidn’twanttoletthemknowbecauseIknewtheywouldmakeabigdealoutofit.Hence,mymotherbaking.WhenwemovedbacktotownwhenIwasfive,myauntSavannahofferedmymotherhalfofhercoffeeshopifshewoulddothebaking.Needlesstosay,itworkedoutsowellthatmymothernowhasanindustrialkitchenandhasallherbakedgoodiesshippedoutaroundtheUnitedStates,Hazel’sSweets.
“What?Shelookstired,”myfatherstatesagain,droppingmyface.“Theyareworkinghertoohard.”
“Oh,wouldyouhush?”mymothersays,pushinghimaside.“Noonelikestobetoldtheylooktired.Whydon’tyoujusttellhershelookslikeshit.”
Myfathergasps.“Howcansheeverlooklikeshit?Shelooksexactlylikeyou.”Hesmilesather,thinkinghe’scomplimentingherbutmissingthemark
“Reed,”mymotherwarns,“IwouldstoptalkingifIwereyou.”Shetakesmeinherarmsandkissesmycheek.“Youfeelskinny,”mymothersays,andIclosemyeyes.
“That’swhatIthoughtalso.I’mgoingtocallGrandmaCharlotteandtellher.”Hetakeshisphoneoutofhispocketandwalksawayfromus.
“See,nowheforgotabouthowtiredyouare,”mymothersays,andIlaughather.“Thisisanicesurprise,”shesays.IjustsmilebecauseI’mafraidifIsaysomething,anything,I’llburstoutintears.
Shelooksintomyeyes,andIknowshecantellI’mnotokay.Butthesoundofatruckapproachingmakesmelookdownandgetmyselfundercontrol.Iblinkawaythetearsthathavethreatenedtocomeoutbeinginmymother’sarms.“Well,well,well,”IhearmygrandfatherCaseysayashestepsoutofhistruck.“Myfirstgrandchildhasreturned.”
“I’vegottosay.”IputmyhandsonmyhipsasIwatchhimwalkovertous.Heiswearingbluejeansthatlooklikeherolledaroundinthedirtwithandanevendirtiershirt.Hisbootslooklikethesolesarefallingoffthem.“I’msurprisedIdidn’tgetstoppedatthecitylimits.”Ishakemyhead.“Youmustbeslippinginyouroldage.”
Heclapshishandstogetherandhowlsoutlaughing.“Igotyoupeggedassoonasyourodeintotown.IjustthoughtIwouldgiveyourdadacoupleofminuteswithyoubeforeIwhiskyouaway,”hesays,wrappingmeinhisarms.Ismellhim,andhesmellslikehome.ThesmellofwhenIwasfiveandhefoundoutIwashisgranddaughter,hewouldhugmetightandpretendhewasn’tcrying,butIwouldfeelwetnessonmyshirt.
“Areyoucrying?”Iwouldask.
“Nah,it’stheskysprinklingyouwithhappiness,”hewouldsay,andIbelievedeverysinglewordhesaid.
“Areyouready?”heasks,andmyfathergasps.
“Sheliterallyjustgothome,”hehissesathisfather,“it’sbeenfiveminutes.”
“Fourminutesandsomechange,”mygrandfathersays,“butGrandpaBillyissaddlingupherhorseaswespeak.”
Myfatherthrowshisheadback.“Youcan’tenticeherawaywithherhorse,”hesays,andheknowsthathetotallycan.
“Rememberwhenheboughtherapinktractorbecausesheaskedhimtoandthenherlowerlipquiveredwhenshesaidit’sokaythathehasnomoney,”mymothersaystomyfatherasIlaugh.
“Thattractorisstillinthebarn,bytheway,”mygrandfathertellsher.“Itwasaninvestment.”
“Sherodeitfivetimes.”Myfatherlaughs.“Okay,let’sgoriding,”hesays,clappinghishands.
“Noway.”Mygrandfatherholdsuphishandtostophim.“Thisisourthing.”
“Howisityourthing?”myfatheraskshim.“Iwastheonewhotaughtherhowtoride.”
“Notwell,”mygrandfatherretortsbeforelookingatme.“Youevencamedressedtoride.”IlookdownatmywhiteridingpantsIputonthismorning,knowingthatIwouldberiding,andabutton-down,long-sleevejeanshirtthatistuckedinthefront.TheshirtrolleduptotheelbowsshowsoffthewatchheboughtmeforgraduationandthelovebraceletmyparentsboughtmewhenIturnedeighteen.“Youhaveyourbootsatthebarn.”
“I’llbeback.”Iwalkoverandkissmymotherandthenmyfather.“Andyougetmethewholeweekend.”Hiseyeslightup.
“UntilSundaynight?”heasks.
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“UntilMondaymorning.”
Igetintothetruckwithmygrandfather,andI’mpullinguptomygreat-grandparents’placeinamatterofminutes.Thewholefamilylivesaboutfiveminutesfromeachotherineverysingledirection.Mygrandfatherownsmost,ifnotall,ofthelandintown.Hemaybethebiggesttechguyoutthere,buthisheartisatthefarm.
Igetoutofthetruckandpracticallyruntowardmyhorse.Mygreat-grandfatherisstandingthereholdingherreins.“Sunshine,”hecallsme,andallIcandoissmileathim.Hewearsthesamethingasmygrandfatherbutwithhiscowboyhatonhishead.Theonlytimehetakesthatthingoffhisheadistogotosleep.
“GrandpaBilly,”IsayhisnameasIruntohim,justlikeIdidwhenIwasalittlegirl.Hegivesmeahugwithonlyonehand.Hekissesmycheek.ThehorsesniffsmeasIgetclosertoherandrubherneck.“Hi,Peaches,”Icoosoftly,“Imissedyou.I’mgoingtogochangeintomybootsandcomeback.”Irushovertotheareawhereeveryonehasalockerwiththeirnameonit.Wearesomanythatwehadtohavethreerooms.Iopenmylocker,kickingoffmysneakersandputtingonmyridingboots.Beforewalkingout,Iseethebarnisempty,thehorseisnowoutside.Imakemywaytomyhorse,whichisrightnexttomygrandfatherCasey.Heisonhisblackstallionasheholdsthereinsformyhorse.Iputmyfootinthestirrupandswingmylegover.“Justlikeridingabike.”Iwinkathimashelaughs.
Wetakeoffsidebysideslowly,andthenwhenweareintheclear,webothpushourhorses.Iputmyselflowertopickupmorespeed.Idon’tknowhowlongweride,butwhenhestopsaheadofme,Islowmyhorsedownaswemakeourwayovertothecreekforthehorsestogetsomewater.
“Thatfeltgood,”Isay,gettingoffmyhorseandleadinghertothewater.
“What’sgotyourbeesinabonnet?”heasksandIjustlookdown,kickingmyselfforthinkingthatIwascoveringupmyshit.
“Nothing,”Isaysoftly.Thesoundofbirdschirpinginthedistancefillsthequietforest.“Justthinkingofwork,”Ilietohim.HelooksatmeandIknowheknowsI’mlying,buthejustletsitbe.“Justworkingthroughsomething.”
Hejustnodsatme.“YouknowI’mhere,right?”heremindsme,andIcan’thelpthetearthatescapesasIwipeitaway.“Whateveritisyouneed,wearehere.”
“Iknow,”Ireplysoftly,andhedropsit.Werideback,andinsteadofgoingbacktomygrandfatherBilly’sbarn,Irideovertomyhouse.
MyfatherisoutsidewhenIrideup.“I’lltakeherback,”heofferswhenIhandhimthereins.“Mom’sinside.”Iwalkupthebackporchsteps,takingoffmybootsbeforewalkingin.Thesmellofstrawberryandlemonfillsthehouse.
“Somethingsmellsamazing,”Isay,walkingintothemassivekitchenmyfatherhasbuiltforher,thebasketofmuffinsonthecounter.
“Don’tyoutouchthatunlessyouwashyourhands,”shescoldswithherbacktome,andIrollmyeyes.“Thengetyourskinnyassonthatstoolsowecantalk.”
IgroanasIwalktothebigstainless-steelsink,turningthewateron,andwashingmyhands.Igrabastrawberrymuffinassoonasmyhandsareclean,sittingonthestoolwhilemymotherdrizzlesicingonherlemoncakes.“Sotalk,”shesays,andIjustlookather
“Idon’tknowwhattosay,”Ianswerherhonestlyasmyheartspeedsupinmychest,andinsteadofenjoyingthemuffin,suddenlymystomachrisestomythroat.I’vebeenafuckingmesssincehecameintotheofficeandtoldmetheweddingwascancelled.
“HowaboutyoustartwithwhyyoulooklikesomeonetoldyouSantawasn’treal?”sheasksassheside-eyesme.
Ilookdown,wonderinghowtosaythenextwordsbutallwordsescapeme.“Igotmyfirstclient,”Isay,andshelooksover,smiling.
“Knewyouwould,”shestates.
“It’sMatthew.”Isayhisnameandherhandstopsmiddrizzle.“Yeah,that.”
“He’sgettingmarried?”sheasksinawhisper.
“No,”Ireply.“Well,hewasbuttheweddingisnowcancelled.”
Sheputstheforkdown.“What?”
“Idon’tknow,Mom,”Isay,frustrated.“Idon’tknowanything.AllIknowisthatIwasfine.Iwasoverhim.”
Shelooksatmewithhereyebrowsgoinghigher.“Youwereoverhim.”ShepicksupthewayIphraseditpasttense.
“Iamoverhim,”Icoverquickly,butthenIputmyhandontopofmyhead.“IthoughtIwas.
“He’sbeenoutofmylifeforthelasttwoyears.”Islaptheisland.“Ididn’teventhinkabouthimexceptwhenitwasthedayofhisbirthdayandouranniversary,”Iadmitforthefirsttimeever.“Butwhy,injustacoupleofweeks,ishenowconsumingmythoughtsallthetime?”MyvoicegoeslouderandlouderasIgetmoreandmorefrustrated.“ThiswholethingispissingmeoffbecauseI’mnotsupposedtogiveashit.”
“Maybeit’sbecauseyoudidn’tgetclosure,”mymothersuggestssoftly,andItiltmyheadtotheside.“Sendinghisstuffbacktohimwithaguywhohealwaysthoughtwasintoyouisn’tclosure.”
“Hecouldhavecalledme.”Iglareathernow.
“Didn’tyouchangeyournumber?”Shefoldsherarmsoverherchest,mimickingme.“Bottomline,Sofia,youneedtositdownandtalktohim.”
“Aboutwhat?”Ithrowupmyhands.“Abouthimbeinganassholeandbreakingmyheart?AbouthowIwaitedtoseeifhewouldchasemebutwasletdownbecausehewasnevercomingafterme?AbouthowIlovedhimsomuchthateverypersonI’vedatedsincehimIcomparetohim?”Thetearsescapeandrundownmycheeks.“Idon’twanttotalktohim.Idon’twanttodiscussit.Hehadhistimetodiscussthingswithmeandwhatdidhedo?Hesentmebackmystuff.”
“Sofia,alothaschangedintwoyears.Youarebothdifferentpeople.”Shetriestobethevoiceofreason.“Youoweittoyourselftotalktohim.Ifnot,you’llbeforevercomparingeveryonetohim.”Shepickstheforkbackupandcontinuestoicethecake.
MyphonepingsfromthecouchandIgetup,walkingovertoit,notsurewhattosaytomymother.Takingitoutofmypurse,IlookdownseeingthetextfromthemanwhoIjustcan’tescapeallofasudden.
Canwetalk?matthew
Iwalkoutoftheplane,duckingmyhead,holdingontothesiderailasItakethestepsdowntothetarmac.ThebreezerunsthroughmeasImakemywaytomycar,thesunintheskyslowlygoingdown.Iopenthedoortothebackseat,throwinginmycarry-onbagbeforeIsitdowninthedriver’sseat.Weweregoneforonegameontheroad,soIdon’thavethatmuchItookwithme.Itakemyphoneoutandpoweritbackon,lookingdowntoseeifIgotatext.Thecirclekeepsgoingaroundandaroundasitfinallyloadsup.ThepingscomingoneafteranothershowingmeImissedfourtexts.
Openingupthetextapp,IseeIhaveonefrommymother.
Justthinkingaboutyou.
IwanttolaughbecauseIknowshewantstosayalotmore.Iknowshehasalotmorequestionsforme,butIalsoknowmyfatherisholdingheratbay.Thesecondoneisfrommysister,Zara.
Iheardthenewsthatyouescapedtheballandchain.Youmustfeelonehundredandfourpointthreepoundslighter.Letmeknowifyouneedtotalk
IskiptheonefromChristopherandgotothelasttextIsenther,twodaysago.
It’sbeentwodayssinceIsentherthetextaskinghertotalk,andit’sbeencrickets.Allitsaysisdelivered.Iwaslyingdowninmyhotelbed,watchingIdon’tevenknowwhat,whenallIwantedtodowastalktoher.AllIwantedtodowashearhervoice.Icouldn’texplainit,soIpulleduptheemailIhadsavedfromherinmyinbox.InsteadofcallingherlikeIwantedto,Isentherthetext.Iplacedthephoneonmystomach,thinkingthatshewouldgetbacktomebutnothing.Nothingforthelasttwodays.Istartthecarandbegindriving,butinsteadofgoingtomyhouse,Idrivestraighttoheroffice.Ispotonecarintheparkinglotandparknexttoit.
Gettingout,Iseethatthesunisalmostgonenow.Ijogupthestepstotheoffice,pullingopenthedoor.Takingastepin,Iseethereisnoonethere.Iwalkintothemiddleoftheroomandlookaround.Thesameroomwhere,twomonthsago,mylifechangedyetagain.Ilookoveratthepicturesonthewalls,tryingtocalmdowntheerraticbeatingofmyheart.
Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere?myheadasks,andIdon’tevenknowifIcananswer.Issheevenhere?Ihavenoidea.TheonlythingIknowisthisiswhereshegoes,soIhadtoshowup
Ihearthesoundofshoescomingcloserandcloserwhenshestepsoutofthehallway.Shelooksatme,shocked.“Matthew,”shesaysmynameinawhisper.“Areyouokay?”sheasks,steppingclosertome,whichgivesmeachancetotakeherin.
She’swearingwhitejeansthistime,andIthinkit’sthefirsttimeI’veseenherhereinjeans.Shehasabrownbelton,andalightbeige,long-sleevedsweaterwithcuffsrolledatherwrists.Herhairisbackandinaponytail.
“Itextedyou.”Thatistheonlythingthatcomesoutofmymouth,andIhavetobethankfulitisn’tadeclarationoflovebecause,atthispoint,Idon’tknowwhatisgoingonwithme.I’vebeentryingsohardtodotherightthingthiswholetimethatIhaven’tbeenmytrueself.I’vebeenbitingmytongueandsuppressingeverythingsonowIfeellikeI’matickingtimebomb,andwithjustonepush,everythingisgoingtopouroutofme.
“Oh,yeah,sorry,”shesays,avoidingmyeyes.“Iwas…”Shestopstalkingandfinallylooksupatme.Ithappensinslowmotionreally,ormaybeithitsmelikeafreighttrainthatIdidn’tknowwascoming.Itwasinthisroomthatmyworldgotrockednotlongago,andIfinallyrealizedshewastheone.Thatit’salwaysbeenherandI’mprettyfuckingsureandIcanbetmylifeitwillalwaysbeher.“Whatisgoingon?”Sheputsherhandsinfrontofherselfasshewringsthemtogether,andIknowsheisjustasnervousasIam.
“Weneedtotalk.”Icanhearmyfather’svoiceinmyhead.Youhavetogolightly.It’sbeentwoyears.Youarebothdifferent.It’sonlybecauseofthatI’mnotpullinghertomeandkissingtheshitoutofher.Justthethoughthasmerockhard.Lookingdown,ImakesuremyshirtiscoveringhowIfeel.
“Wedon’t,though.”Hertoneisfilledwithsass.Avisionofmepushingheragainstthewall,withmyhandsoutstretchedbesideherhead,whileIdevourhermouth,showingherhowmuchwehavetotalkaboutfillsmymind.Icanliterallytastethekissonmylips.
“Ioweyouadinner.”Theminutethewordsareoutofmymouth,IknowIshouldhavechosenotherwords.Iknowthisbecauseallshedoesisglareatme,whichmakesmewantherevenmore.“CanItakeyououttodinner?”Iask,knowingsheisgoingtosayno.Alsoknowingthatthistimeit’sdifferent,sheisn’tgettingridofmesoeasily.I’mnotthestupidkidIwasbefore.
“No,”shereplieswithouteventhinkingtwiceorpretendingtothinkaboutitandthenlettingmedown.
“Please,”Isaysoftly.
Shejustlooksatme.“Whatdoyouwant?”SheasksthesamequestionI’vebeenaskingmyselfsinceIletoutwhatreallyhappenedbetweenus.Iknowwhattheendgoalis,Ijustdon’tknowhowtogetthere.
“Justtotalktoyou,”Iadmitsoftly.“Ijustwanttotalktoyou.Ithinkweshouldtalk.”Myheartfliesfromthepitofmystomachtomythroat,andI’mthinkingaboutgettingonmykneesandbeggingherifIhaveto.
“Fine,”shehuffsandthentakesadeepinhale.“Whydon’tItextyouwhenI’mdoneandwecanmeet?”
Isweartoeverything,IwanttojumpupintheairandraisemyhandsovermyheadinvictorywhileIcelebrate.Ican’thelpthesmilethatfillsmyface.“I’lltakeit.”Inod.“I’llwaitforyourtext.”
Istarttowalkoutoftheroom,readytoescapewhileIcan,andthenIstopsuddenly.Iturntoher.“Thisisn’tlikeatrick,right?”Ilookather,gettinglostinhereyes,wonderingwhatshe’sseeninthepasttwoyearsthatIhaven’t.Wantingtoknowallthememoriesshe’smade.Well,maybenotallthememories.Idon’twanttoknowshitaboutwhoshedated.
“Whatisn’tatrick?”sheasks.
“ThatyousaywhatIwanttohearandthennevercontactme.”Iputmyhandsonmyhips.
Sherollshereyesatme.“YouknowwhereIwork.”Sheraisesherhandstowardthewalls,andIcan’thelpbutthrowmyheadbackandlaugh.LikereallaughterthatIhaven’thadinawhile.“HowfardoyouthinkIcangetbeforeyourealizeI’mnotcontactingyou?”
“Yougotthatright,”Itellherinawaythatshehastoknowshecanrunbutshecan’thide.“Seeyoulater.”
Ijogdownthestepstoheroffice,makingmywaytomycar.OnceIgetin,Ipulluphername,andinsteadoftextingher,Icallher.I’mmoresurprisedthananythingthatsheactuallyanswersinsteadofsendingmetovoicemail.“Youjustleft,”shesaysinsteadofsayinghello.“Iliterallystillseeyououtside.”Shewalksoutofthedoor,standingatthetopofthestairs.Ijustlookupather,wishingIcouldtaketheelasticoutofherhair.
“Iknow.”Ilaugh,myfingertappingthesteeringwheel.“Iwasjustwonderinghowmuchlongeryouthinkyouwillbe?”
“What?”shesaysintothephonewhilestilllookingatme.
“Ifyouaren’tgoingtobelong,Icanwaitforyou,”Itellher,andshejustshakesherhead.
“Ihaveanappointmentinthirtyminutes,itshouldlastmaybeanhour.IwilltextyouwhenI’mdone.”AllIcandoisstareather.“IpromiseIwon’tghostyou.”I’mabouttosaysomethingwhenshecontinues.“Atleastfortodayanyway.”
“I’llwaitforyourtext,then,”Isayintothephone,andsheturnstowalkbackintotheoffice.“Youlookbeautiful,bytheway.”Shestopsmidstep,neverturningbackaround.Icouldn’tnotsayit.It’sbeenatthetipofmytonguesinceIfirstsawheragain,whichmakesmethebiggestassholeever.
“I’lltalktoyoulater.”Thatisallshesaysbeforethedoorclosesandthelinedisconnects.Ipulloutoftheparkinglotandheadtowardmyhouse.Mybodyisfilledwithnervesandwhatfeelslikeendlessenergy.EventhoughmybodyisexhaustedfromthegameweplayedagainstLA,IfeellikeIcouldruna5k.
Pullingupthephonefeatureonmyscreen,Icallmyfather,whoanswersafteronering.“Hey,”hesays,“how’reyoudoing?”
“Um,”Isaynervously.“Doyouthinkyoucancomedownthisweekend?”Iask.
“Ofcourse.”Hedoesn’tevenwaitasecondbeforeansweringme.“Iwill,however,havetobringyourmother,orelseIwon’tbeabletoreturntothishouse,”hesays,laughing.“Apparently,accordingtoher,IwilllosesomepreciousbodypartsthatIwouldverymuchliketokeep.”
Ilaugh,knowinghowhardthismustbeforher.“Yeah,bringthewholefamily,”Itellhim.“WecanevendofamilylunchatmyplaceonSunday.”
“Areyousick?”myfatherinterruptsme.“Didyougethitinthehead?”
Ilaughagain,twiceinlessthananhour,thismustbearecord.“Nah,”Ireply,leavingoutthatI’mhopingSofiaalsojoinsussotheycanmeetheragain.“Justmissyouguys.”
“Okay,I’llmakeafewcalls,”hesays.
“Putoutafewfeelers,”ImimicmyuncleMatthew.
Helaughs.“We’llcatchupthisweekend,yeah,”hesays.“NowI’mgoingtogoandmakeyourmotherhappywiththenews.”
“Thanks,Dad,”ItellhimasIparkmycar,“foreverything.”HesayshelovesmebeforehehangsupandIgetoutandwalkintomyhouseandwaitforhertocallme.Iwaskiddingbefore,ifshedoesn’tcallme—IknowexactlywhereI’mgoingtomorrowmorning.sofia
“Asyoucansee,”Isayaswewalkintothebigvenuespace,“wecanaccommodateuptoathousandpeople.”Thebrideandgroomlookatmewithbigeyes.“Therearewallsthatretractonbothends.”Ipointatthewallsoftheslide,makingthespacebigger.“Orwecanmakeitmoreintimatebyclosingtwomoreretractablewalls.”Ipointovertothesidewheretwomorewallsarenowopenbutcanbeclosed.
Thebridewalksaroundthespace,takingitinasIstandtothesidegivinghertime.Myheadhasbeeninaspinsincetheywalkedin.I’mtryingnottothinkaboutthereasonit’sinaspin,butthatreasonshoweduptenminutesbeforethecouplearrived.Ihadnotimetocompartmentalizeit.Icanstillhearhisvoice.“Youlookbeautiful.”Iwantedtoturnaroundandthrowmyphoneathiscar,butIrefrainedandpretendeditdidn’tgettome.Whatthehellwashappeningtome?Iwenttwoyearsperfectlyokaywithouthim,andnowit’sasifnotimehasbeenlost.“Wouldwebeabletocomebackwithourparents?”thebrideasksexcitedly.
“Ofcourse,”Ianswerher.“Wecanevendoasetupwithtablessotheywouldgetthelookofit.”Shelooksoveratthegroom,whostaresatherwithsuchloveinhiseyes.“Whatdoyouthink?”
“Ithinkthatifthisiswhatyouwant”—hesmilesevenbiggerather—“thenthisisit.”Helooksoveratme.“Whatdoweneedtodonext?”
Inodatthemandproceedtotellthemthenextsteps.Theysitinmyofficeaswegothroughacoupleofthings.It’saftersevenbythetimetheyleaveandIlockthedoor,walkingbacktomyofficetofinishthepaperwork.Isitdownatmydesk,lookingdown,knowingIcandothisinthemorningandI’mjuststallingatthispoint.
WhenIgotthetextonSaturday,Iignoredthepulltoanswerhimrightaway.Iputitdownandwalkedaway,spendingtheweekendwithmyfamily.Ridingmyhorse,catchingupwithmycousins,goingtothebaronSaturdaynight,andtwo-steppinguntilmyfeethurt.Idrankwaytoomuch,whichendedupwiththememoriesofhimthatIlockedawaycomingoutinfullforce.SundaywasspentatthefamilybarbecuewhereIlaughedmorethanIhaveinalongtime.Thatnight,IdecidedIwasgoingtoignorethetextandpretendthatitdidn’thappen.IevendeletedthethreadsoIwouldn’tbetemptedtoanswerhim.Inmyhead,therewasnothingtotalkabouteventhough,accordingtomymother,Ineededclosure.
Istareatmyphoneforwhatseemslikeforever.“WhatifIdon’ttexthim?”Iwonder.“Whatistheworstthatcanhappen?”Ileanbackinmychairandlookoutthewindowatthedarkness.“Heshowsuptomorrowandforcesyoutotalktohiminfrontofthegirls.”Iclosemyeyesanddecidetobitethebullet.Mightaswellgetthisoverwith.Ithinkoftextinghim,butthenIwouldjustbewaitingonhimtoanswerme.
ItakethedeepestbreathI’veevertakenbeforeIpressthebuttontocallhim.“Pleasedon’tanswer,”Ibegtheuniversetohelpmeout.Oneringturnsintotwoandmyheartstartsbeatingreallyfast.“I’mhangingupafterthreerings,”Imumbletomyselfasthesecondringstops,andassoonasthethirdonestarts,hepicksup.
“Hey,”hesays,hisvoicegroggy,anditsoundslikehewassleeping.
“You’resleeping?”Isaysoftly,myneckfeelingwarmasthenervesfloatthroughme.“Ishouldhavetextedyouinstead.”Thewordscomeoutofmymouthinsteadofstayinginmyhead.
Helaughsandsomethingelsegoesoninsideme,butI’mnotgoingtopayanyattentiontoit.“WereyouhopingIwouldn’thaveansweredyou?”
“No,”Isay,laughingnervously.IknowI’mlyingandsadlyIknowthathealsoknowsitwasalie.“Whydon’twedothistomorrow?”Itrytopushitoff.
“Can’t,”hesaysrightaway,andIhearrustlingfromhissideofthephone.“Ihaveagametomorrow.”Iclosemyeyes.
“Wecandothisnextweek.”Iamliterallypullingatstrawstocancelthisthingalltogether.“Orhowabouttheweekafternext?”Iswinginmychairsidetoside,tryingtocomeupwithevenmorereasons.
“Areyoudone?”heasksandIstopmidswing.
“Iam,”Istartbutthenquicklyaddin,“Butyousoundexhausted.”Myvoicegoeslow.
“I’mfine.Icanrestlater.”HisvoicesendsshiversrunningthroughmeandIfeelbadfornotansweringhimbefore.Maybewecouldhavehadthisconversationonthephoneandnotface-to-face.
“Matthew.”Hisnamerollsoffmytonguesonaturally.Ithinkit’sthefirsttimeI’vecalledhimthatsincehecameintomylifeagain.“Wecanhonestlydoitanothertime.IpromiseIwon’tblowyouofforpretendI’msick.”Ichuckle.“Orsomeonedied.”
“No,it’sfine,”hesaysadamantly.“Wheredoyouwanttomeet?”
“Ihavenoidea.”Ithinkofplacesthatwecanmeetat.MaybeIcouldmentionLuke’splace,butthenwhatifwerunintopeopleIknoworwhoknowHarloworthegirls,andthenit’slikefrontpagenews?
“Doyouwanttocomehere?”heasks.Iamalreadyshakingmyhead,butcuriositygetsthebestofme.
“Whereishere?”IclosemyeyesonceIsaythewords.It’snoneofmybusinesswherehereis.Sincetheengagementwascalledoff,ishelivinginahotel?Didshemoveoutofthehouse?Didhemoveoutofthehouse?TherearesomanyquestionsIwanttoask,butIalsoknowit’snoneofmybusiness.
“Iliveintown,”hereplies,andIgasp.
“Youlivehere?”Theshockinmyvoicemustbeapparentbecausehelaughsatme.
“WheredidyouthinkIlived?”heasks.
“Ihavenoidea,”Itellhimthetruth.“Ihadn’treallythoughtaboutit.”
“Weneedtocatchup.”TheminuteIhearthosewords,mystomachgetstight.
“Whydon’twedoitatanothertime?”IagaintrytopushitoffbecausemaybeI’mjustnotreadytocatchup.Maybewe’vecaughtupandweshouldjustleaveitatthat.
“Sofia,youhavethreechoices,youcancomehere.”Hisvoiceisclearnow.“Icancomethereorwecanmeet.”Iwaitfivesecondstoseeifheisgoingtogivemeafourthoption.“Soyoupick,what’sitgoingtobe?”
Mylegstartstomoveupanddown.“Whydon’tyoucometomyhouse?”Ifwearegoingtodothis,I’mgoingtodoitonmyturf.Besides,doIwanttogotohisplacewhereHelena’sstuffisprobablystilllyingaroundthehouse?Orisit?
“Areyousure?”heasksasIhearadoorclosing.
“No,”Ianswerhonestly,“butyouwon’tletup,sothisiswherewe’reat.”
Helaughs.“Canyousendmeyouraddress?I’llgoandgetfoodandthenheadtoyourplace.”
“Orwecanjusthavecoffee,”Isuggest,tappingmydesk.
“Sendmetheaddress,Sofia.I’llsendyouanETAonceIgetit.”
“Okay,”Isay.
“I’llwaitonthephonewhileyousendit.”
“What?”Iask,notsureIheardhimright.
“Sofia,youarealreadyaflightrisk.”Iclosemyeyes,rollingmylips.“SoI’mnotgoingtoletyougountilIhaveyouraddress.Or,optionnumberfour.”Iwaitforit.“Ipickyouupatworkanddriveyouhome.”
“Wow,”Irespond,shockedthatheknowsmeabitbetterthanIthought.“AsifIwouldnotsendyoumyaddress.I’minsulted.”
“Nicecover-up,Sofia.”Helaughs.“I’mstillwaitinginmycar.”
“You’reinyourcar?”Iflyoutofmychair.“How?”Ilookaroundformypurseandrushtogetoutofmyoffice.“Youwereliterallyasleepfivesecondsago.”
“Ifellasleeponthecouchwaitingforyourcall,”heexplains.“Thenwhenyoucalled,Igotupandwalkedoutthedoor.Now,doIcomegetyouordoImeetyouatyourhouse?”
Iopenthetextthread,typinginhisnameIstoredbeforedeletingthetext.
3216ElmStreet
“There,”ItellhimonceIpresssend.
“Gotit.I’llbethereinaboutthirty-fiveminutes.”
“Seeyouthen,”Isay,disconnectingbeforehekeepsmeonthephonelonger.Irusharoundtheofficegrabbingmyjacketandbagsbeforehightailingitout.Igetinthecarandmakeithomeintwentyminutes.ThewholetimeI’mplayinghowtheconversationisgoingtogoinmyhead.Eachtimepreparingwhattosaytohim.
Iparkinthedrivewayandrunupthestairs,punchinginmycode.Idumpmybagsatthedoorandkickoffmyshoes,turningonthelightsinthehallwayandthenthekitchenonceImakeitthere.Ieventurnonthelightsintheadjacentroomandtothefireplacealso.
“Oh,comeon,”Iscoldmyself,quicklyturningitoff.“Whydon’tyouputon‘Let’sGetItOn’?”
Ipacearoundtheroom,makingsurethatnothingscreamsromance,orIwanttohavesexwithyou.“Whywouldhethinkyouwanttohavesexwithhim?”Iamliterallyhavingaconversationwithmyself.“Idon’twanttohavesexwithhim,”ItellmyselfwhileIcanhearmycousinslaughingatmefromSaturdaywhenIsaidthesamething,andinthenextsentencementionedhowgood-lookinghisdickwas.“ShouldIchange?”IlookdownattheoutfitIputonthismorning,rightbeforeIleftmyparents’houseanddrovestraighttowork.“Yeah,whydon’tyouslipintosomethingalittlemorecomfortable?”Imockmyself.“Maybesomelaceandyourgarter.
“Youneedtocalmdownandgetaholdofyourself!”Ishoutatmyself,walkingintothekitchenandgrabbingthebottleofsweettea.“Oneshotandthenyoujustneedtochillout.Thisisgoingtobefine.”Iunscrewthetopoffthebottleandtakeaswigofthetea,anditburnsallthewaydownforasecond.“There,now,justrelaxandstayprofessional,”Itellmyself,feelingmycheeksstartingtogethot.Iputmypalmsonthemandtheyfeelliketheyareonfire.“Whatifhethinksyou’regettingallhotandbotheredbecausehe’scominghere?!”Ishriek,runningovertothesinkandturningonthecoldwater.Wettingmyhands,Iplacethemonmycheeks,I’mnotevendonewiththefirstcheekwhenthedoorbellrings.MyheadfliestothesideasIthinkaboutnotansweringitforonesecond,anditisasifhecanhearmythoughts.
“I’malreadyoutside,soyoucan’tpretendyouaren’tthere,”hesays,andIglare,“andI’mblockingyouin.”
TheonlythinkIcanthinkofis,“Asshole.”matthew
Iringthedoorbell,myhandsshaking.Ilookdownatmyshoesandthenlookupagain,nothearinganythingfromtheothersideofthedoor.IlookbacktothedrivewaywhereIparkedmycarrightbehindhers.“I’malreadyoutside,soyoucan’tpretendyouaren’tthere,”Isayloudlytothedoor,knowingsheisdebatingwhetherornottoanswerit,“andI’mblockingyouin.”Shetriedtocancelthisaboutfifteentimesinthespanofaten-minuteconversation.“I’lljustsitouthereonyourstoopandeat,”Iannouncetothedoorandthenhearthelockturn.Myheartishammeringsohardinmychest,thesecondIhearthenoiseIwonderifshewillbeabletohearit.
ThedoorswingsopenandIseeherandmyheartslowsdownrightaway,knowingshe’srighthere.“Iwasinthebathroom,”shesays.“Comein.”ShemovesasideandIwalkinside,goingstraighttothehallway.
“FiguredIowedyoudinner,”Isaytoherassheclosesthedoorandwalkstostandinfrontofme.“Andmaybeanapology,”Itrytojokewithher,butfromthelookshegivesme,itfallsflat.
“Maybe?”shehuffs.“Maybe?”Shewalksovertothedoorandopensitup.“Getout.”Shepointsoutside.
“Okay,fine,”Icave.“Idefinitelyoweyouanapology,”Isaysoftly.“Ioweyoualotmorethanthat.”
Sheclosesthedoorandfoldsherarmsoverherchest.“Goon.”Shedoesn’tmovefrominfrontofthedoor.
Iknewwewouldbedoingthis,butIthoughtforsureitwouldbewhilewewereeating.Iputthefooddownbesideme,justincaseshedoeskickmeoutofherhouse,atleastsheisgoingtoeat.“Wow,sowearedoingthisrightaway,”Istart,lookingather.“I’msorry.”
“Forwhat?”sheasks,hereyesgoingintoslits.Iwishshewouldgivemeanoptiontotalk,butI’veriledherupandshe’sreadytogotowarwithme.Icanseeitinhereyesthataresodarknow,andallIwanttodoisholdherfaceandkissheruntilhereyesarelightagain.Ialsoknowfromthelooksheisgivingme,ifIdothat,sheisgoingtoshootmeintheassandthenthefoot.
“Forfuckingeverything,”Ifinallyadmit.
“Oh,no.”Sheshakesherhead.“Youwantedthislittlechat.Youaregoingtogetalittlechat.Let’sstartwithyounotcallingmetocanceltheplans.”
Iclosemyeyes,notwantingtodothis,butknowingIhavenochoice.Ibroughtthisonmyselfandit’stimetofacethemusic.“Butinsteadofcallingmeand,youknow,cancelling,youmademeworrythatyouwerehurtsomewhere.”Ijustwatchherbecauseshe’sright.I’mabouttotellherthisbutsheholdsupherhand.“Sowhatdoyoudo?YoucomehomeandI’mannoyedbecauseyouaren’tonthesideoftheroadbleedingout?”IamabouttolaughbutIrollmylips.“Notonlyareyounotbleedingout,you’redrunkasafuckingskunk.Andwhatdoyoudo,Matty?”Shecocksherheadtothesideandfoldsherarmsoverherchest.Herchestisrisingandfallingasifsheranamarathon.
Iholdupmyhand.“Youwanttodothis;youcallmebymyname.ToyouI’mMatthew,”Iremindher,“andIknowwhatIdid.IfuckedupinwaysthatIcan’tevenexplain.”Ifinallystarttalking,thewordscomingoutlikewordvomit.“IfuckingfuckedupsofreakinghardthattherearenowordsIcansaythatcanmakeitforgivable.Youhavetoknow,Sofia,itwastheboozetalking.”
“Youbrokeupwithmedrunk,andthenthenextdaysentmeallmystuff!”sheyellsatme.“Thenextday!”Shethrowsherhandsintheair.“Youcan’tblametheboozeonthat!”
“Thatiswhereyouarewrong,”Isaygently.“Ididitthatnight.”Thewordscomeoutsoft.“Iwassopissedthatyoujustleft,Istormedinthehouseandstartedpackingupyourstuff.”Herarmsfalltohersides.“SoI’mevenmoreofanidiot,Iknow.ButwhenIwokeupthenextday,itwasablur.Isweartoyou,Sofia,Ididn’tevenrememberthatIpackedyourstuffup.Iwokeupandsawallyourthingsgonefromthesidetableandthenbitsandpieceswerecomingback.ButthenIwascomingtoyouwhenDavid,”Isay,hisnameraisingmyeyebrows,“knockedonmydoorandpresentedmewithmyownbox.”Sherollshereyes.“Yeah,David;thesameDavidItoldyouhadhisdickwetforyou.Hewasreturningmystufftomewithallofourpicturescutinhalf.”
“Hedidnot!”shedeclares,notlookingatme.“Andyouaremissingthepoint.”Shelooksatme.“Youfuckingbrokemyheart!”sheyellsatthetopofherlungs,angerfillingtheroom.“Youfuckingshatteredme!”
“DoyounotthinkIbrokemyownheart?”Iask,hatingIhurthersodeeply.“Youdon’tthinkthatitkilledmejustasmuchasitkilledyou?”
“Ihavenoidea,”shesayssoftly.“Youknowwhy,youdidn’tevenbothertocomeandseeme,tocomeandtalktome.Todoanything.”
“Itriedtocallyouaweekafter,”Itellher,“butyourphonewasalreadydisconnected.”
“Oh,itwasfuckingdisconnectedtwodayslater.TwodaysIwaitedforyoutocomeandseeme.Twodays,tellingmyself,youknowthathe’sgoingtocome,justyouwait.”Sheshakesherhead.“Iwaswrong.”
“ThereareafewthingsI’vedoneinmylifethatIregret,”Itellher,swallowingthelumpinmythroat.“Thatnightisnumberoneonthatlist.Ilostthebestthingthathaseverhappenedtome.IlostthewomanIlovedmorethanlifeitself.Ilosthalfofmysoulthatnight.”
“Well,yougotitback.”Shelaughs.“Youweregettingmarried.”Sheshakesherhead.“Idon’tknowwhatyouwantedtodotonight.Idon’tknowwhyitmatters,tobehonest,wehavemovedon.”
“I’msosorry,”IapologizetoherinsteadoftellingherthatIhaven’tmovedon,Idon’tsaythewords.Twoyearslater,andonelookatyouandI’mrightbackinit.“I’msorryIhurtyou.I’msorryIbrokeus.I’msofuckingsorry,”Isayinawhisper.
“Youaretwoyearstoolate,”shesaysandmyheartshattersinmychest.
“Didn’tyoualwayssayit’sbetterlatethannever?”Ipointather,hopingshethrowsmearopebecauseI’minthewateranditfeelslikeI’mdrowning.
“Okay,fine,Iacceptthatyouareahorse’sass.”Shelooksatme.“Whatdoyouwant?”
Everything!myheadscreamsbutmymouthisincontrol.“Tobefriends.”Sayingthewordsfeelslikeacidinmymouth.
“Iamnotgoingtobefriendswithyou.”Sheshakesherhead.
“Whynot?”Iask,shocked.“I’magoodfriend!”Ishriek.“I’maverygoodfriend.”
“Ihaveenoughgoodfriends,”sheinformsme.
“Everyonecanusemorefriends.”IputmyhandsinmypocketsbecausemycockhasdecidedthatthisisthepartwhereIshowherhowmuchIwanttobeherfriend.
“Notme,butthanks.”Shecocksherheadtothesideandwithherhairupitgivesmeaccesstoherneck.
“Okay,”Iconcede,walkingtowardthedoorandher.Iseehereyesturnatouchlighter,andIevenseethedisappointmentonherface.“Thankyoufortakingthetimetotalktome.”Ileandown,andoureyeslockrightbeforeIkisshercheek.“Seeyousoon,Sofia.”Iwalktothedoorandshehasn’tmovedfromthespotshe’sin.“Igotyouaburgerwithcheeseandbaconandfriedpickles.”Iopenthedoor,hopingshesaysnottogo,butIknowher.Iknowshe’sgoingtoletmego.Ideserveit.Iknowit.Sheknowsit.Butwhatshedoesn’tknowisthatI’mnotgoinganywhere.
***
I’mwalkingofftheice,andforthefirsttimeinalongtime,Isleptlikeachamp.OfcourseIwokeupwiththebiggesthard-onofmylife,evenaftertakingashowerandjerkingofftoher,twice.
AsIwalkintotheroom,sweatispouringoffmyface.Iputmystickagainstthewallandwalkovertomyspotonthebench.Grabbingmyphone,IseethatIhaveamessage.
Rhonda:
PackagewasdeliveredthismorningandwasacceptedbySofiaBarnes.
IsmileasIputmyphonedownandhurryupintheshower.IputonshortsandaT-shirtwithateamsweater.Igrabthebaseballhat,puttingitonbackward,mywalletandphone.“Seeyoutonight,boys,”Isay,rushingoutoftheroomandtomycar.
Iarriveatherofficetwenty-fiveminuteslater;thetrafficwasinsanetoday.Igoupthefrontstairstwoatatime,pullingopenthedoorandsteppingin.Awomanisstandingatthedesk.“Hi,canIhelpyou?”sheasks,lookingmeupanddown.
“I’mheretospeaktoSofiaBarnes,”Ireply,smilingather.Shepicksupthephoneandcallsher.ThewomanturnsaroundsoIdon’thearhertalking.
Sheturnsaroundandputsthephonedown.“She’llberightout,”shesaysbeforeshewalksoutoftheroomanddowntowhereIknowSofia’sofficeis.IhearherheelsbeforeIseeher.
She’swearingawhitetightskirtthatgoestothemiddleofhercalvesbuthasaslitinthefrontthatgoestoherknees,theblackshirtsheiswearingiscuttoolowinthefrontformyliking,“Whatareyoudoinghere?”sheasks,smiling,butIcanseeshe’spissed.Herteethareclenchedtogether.
“Iwasmakingsureyougotmygift,”Itellher,smiling.ThismorningIrushedintotherinkandgotoneofmyjerseys,andthenhitupRhonda,thepublicrelationsgirl,askingherfortwoticketstothegametonight.ThenIbeggedhertomakesureSofiagotit.Imadeitontheicewithaminutetospare.Inowoweherasignedjerseyfrommygrandfather.
“Idid.”Shenodsherheadatme.
“And?”Isay,waiting.
“Andnothing,Igotit.”Shefoldsherarmsoverherchest,makinghertitspushup.
Itakeastepclosertoher.“Areyougoingtocome?”
“No.”Fuck,sheissobeautiful.“Idon’tlikehockey.I’mmoreafootballfanthesedays.”Hereyesgoashadedarkerwhenshelies.Andshemoveshereyesfromsidetoside.
“Youarelying.”Ipointather.
“I’mnotlying,”shehuffs.
Ifoldmyownarmsovermychest.“Thenyoudefinitelyshouldcomesoyoucanseewhyyoumissit.”Istepevenclosertoher.
“Idon’tmissit,”sheinsistssofastthatshedoesn’thaveachancetohidethelie.
“YouknowIcantellwhenyouarelying.”Ilaugh.
“Youdon’tknowme,Matthew,”shedeclaresandIclosethedistancebetweenus,standingtoetotoewithher.
“Oh,Iknowyou,baby,”Isaysoftly,rightbeforeIstepawayfromher.“Seeyoutonight,”ItellheronceIgettothedoor,“andwearmyshirt.”
Iopenthedoortostepout.“Whenpigsfly,”isthelastthingIhearbeforethedoorclosesbehindme.sofia
Hestepsout,andthedoorshutsrightwhenIsay,“Whenpigsfly.”Istareatthedoorforacoupleofsecondsbeforetheangersurgesthroughme.Iwalkoverandopenthedoorrightasheopenshiscardoor.“Youcan’tjustkeepdoingthis,Matthew.”
Helooksupatme,thesmirkonhisfacegoingstraighttoasmile,makingmewanttokickhimrightintheshinswithpointy-assshoeson.“Whatcan’tIbedoing,Sofia?”
“Well,forone,youcan’tjustkeepshowingupherewhereIwork,”Istartthere,“andtwo,youhavetostopthiswholething.”
“I’mjustcomingtovisitafriendandseeifshewantstocomeandwatchahockeygame.”HefoldshisarmsoverhischestandIwishhehadn’tbecausehisarmsjustseembigger.
“I’mnotyourfriend,Matthew,”Iinformhim.“Youaskedmetotalkandwedid,butit’stimeforustobothmoveon.”Istareathim,hopingtoseesomethinginhiseyestotellmehe’sheardwhatI’vesaid,buthiseyesjusttwinkle.“I’mnotdoingthiswithyou.I’mnotplayingthisgame.”Insteadofgivinghimanychancetoanswer,Igrabthedoorhandle,steppingin.
“Nothingwithusisagame,”hecallsoutrightbeforethedoorshuts,givinghimthelastword.Ithinkaboutgoingbackoutthereandtellinghimtofuckoff.
“Motherfucker!”Ishout,andnowIhearthesoundofheelsclickingontheirwaytome.Theycomeoutofthehallwayoneatatime.Allofthemlookingaround.
“What’sgoingon?”Shelbyaskslikeshehasnoidea,wheninrealitysheprobablyknowsthewholestory.
“Nothing.”Ishakemyheadandwalkbackintomyoffice.IknowIsaidnothing,butIalsoknowtheyarenotjustgoingtoletmegolikethat.Iwalkintomyoffice,seeingthevaseoftulipsthatwasdeliveredalongwiththewhiteboxinthechair.Ididn’tevengetachancetoopenthebox,allIdidwasopenthecardthatwasintheflowers.Ihonestlythoughttheywerefrommydad,soIopenedtheenvelopeallhappyuntilIreadthefuckingnote.
Sofia,
Hopeyoucanmakeit.
Yourfriend,
Matthew
TosayIwasshockedwasanunderstatement,whenheleftmyhouselastnight,Ifeltlikewebrokeupyetagain.IpickedupthebagoffoodbeforeIwalkedintothekitchen.Iputitdirectlyinthefridgebeforeturningoffallthelightsandwalkingupstairs.Iwasnumb,tosaytheveryleast,astheconversationwehadplayedoverandoverinmyhead.Itwasaconversationthatwastwoyearsinthemaking.ItwasaconversationIhadplayedinmyheadoverandoverfortwoyears.Itoldhimhowmuchofanassholehewasandhowhebrokemyheart.WhatIwasn’treadyforwashissideofthestory.Forthepasttwoyears,Ithoughtitdidn’tbotherhim.Ithoughthewasn’tasaffectedasIwas,butthewayhesaid,“ThereareafewthingsI’vedoneinmylifeIregret,andthatnightisnumberoneonthatlist.Ilostthebestthingthathadeverhappenedtome.IlostthewomanwhoIlovedmorethanlifeitself.Ilosthalfofmysoulthatnight.”Ithoughtmylegswouldhavegivenoutrightthenandthere.
Everyonesaidtherewasnoclosure.Well,wehaveclosurenow.Thedoorisslammedshutandlocked.Thebookisnowclosed,andwecanbothmoveon.Exceptsomethingsaysthisisfarfromover
“Yougotflowers?”Clarabellaaskswhenshewalksinandgoestositdowncalmly.
“Yes,”Isay,pointingatthem.“Andsomethinginthere,”Itellherasshepicksupthewhiteboxandshakesitsidetoside.
“Itcouldbeabomb,”Presleyteases,chuckling.“Youknowwhatitisn’t?”Shewaitsforustosaysomething.“Hisdick.”
“Definitelynothisdick,”ShelbydeclaresandIjustgawkather.“I’veseenhim,hehastobepackingtowalkwithallthatswagger.”IjustrollmyeyesbecauseMatthewPetrovownshisswaggerandheis,infact,packingbelowthebelt.
“Well,arewegoingtoopenitorarewegoingtoplayguessinggamesallday?”Clarabellaasksasshehandsmethebox.
“It’sprobablysomethingtoirritatethefuckoutofme.”Igrabtheboxandundothesatinbowontopbeforeflippingthetopoftheboxopenandmovingthewhitetissuepapertotheside.“OhmyGod,”Isay,lookingdownatthewhiteshirt.
“Isthatahockeyjersey?”Clarabellaasks,tryingtorollherlipssoshedoesn’tburstoutlaughing.
“Unfortunately,”Iconfirm,puttingtheboxdownandtakingouttheshirt.Idon’thavetoturnitovertoseethatithashisnameontheback.
“Whatisgoingon?”Presleylooksatme,thenbackattheshirtandthentotheflowers.
“Nothing,”Ideflect,shovingthejerseybackintothebox.“Lessthannothing.Hesentmeflowersandticketstothegame,andapparentlythat.”
“Codepurple!”Shelbyshouts.
“Weareallhere,”Clarabellastates,thenturnstome.“Areyougoingtowearthis?”
“Notachanceinfuckinghell!”Ishout.“I’mnotevengoingtothegame.”
“Oh,herewego,”Clarabellastarts,“youaregoingtogotothegametonight.”
Istareather,myeyebrowspinchingtogether.“Oh,no,I’mnot.”Ishakemyheadatthesametime.
“Justdon’tdrinkanyboozebecauseyoumightenduphavingsexwithhim,”Shelbyadvises.“Idrankonmyfakehoneymoon,andwell,wehadsex.Alot.”
“IdrankwhenIranawayfrommywedding,”Clarabellaadds.“Definitelyhadsexthatnight.”
IlookoveratPresley,whojustlaughs.“Ihadsexallthetime,therewasnoneedtodrink.”
“Youweredrunkthefirsttimeyouaskedhimtotakeyourvirginity,”Clarabellaremindsher.
“Oh,yeah,”Presleyremembers,“definitelydon’tdrink.”
“Iamnotgoing,sothatisanonissue,”Itellallofthem.
“Ifyoudon’tgo,he’llknowhegottoyou,”Shelbysays,foldingherarmsoverherchest.
“IfIgo,hewins,”Icounter.
“Unlessyougoandmakehimeathisheartout,”Clarabellaannounces.
“Idon’twanttogo.”Thewordscomeoutofmymouthbeforemyheadsays,Iwanttogo.
“Wespokelastnight.”IfilltheminonthesmalldetailsI’msuretheyaregoingtofreakoutabout,andtheminuteIsaythewords,theyallgasp.Iholdmyhanduptostopthemfromtalking.“It’sover.Hesaidhispiece.Isaidmine,andwearemovingon.”Ilookatthethreeofthemandtheyallburstoutlaughing.“What?”
“He’sbeenherefourtimessincehebrokeupwithhisgirlfriend.”Shelbytiltsherheadtotheside.
“Actually,hisfiancée.”Ipointather.“Hewasengagedlessthanaweekago,andnowhewantstocomeupallinmyspaceanduprootmylife?”Ishout,shakingmyhead.“Nofuckingway.Fuckthat.”
“You’regoing,”Clarabellastates,“ifonlytotellhimyoudon’tneedhim.”
“IjusttoldhimIdon’tneedhim.”Ipointbehindmetothewindow.“SoIdon’thavetogo.”
“ThatwasamatingdanceifIeversawone,”Clarabelladeclares.“Helookedlikehewasgoingtofuckyouagainstthedoor,withorwithoutuslookingoutthewindow.”
“Matingdance?”Isay,notsureIheardherright.“IwasliterallytellinghimhowmuchIhatedhim.”
“Thatjustgetsitgoingevenmore.”Presleylaughs.“IusedtotellBennettatleastonceadayhowweweren’tacouple.”
“Buteveryoneknewthatyouwere,”Shelbyremarks.“Theonlyoneyouwerefoolingwasyourself.”
“Ladies,”Isaysoftly,“Iamnotgoing.”
“Youhaveto,”Shelbysays,andsheisusuallythevoiceofreasonbetweenthethreeofthem.
“Idon’thaveanyonetogowith,”Ifinallysay,“andI’mnotgoingtoahockeygamebymyself.”
Clarabellaholdsherfingerintheairbeforewalkingovertothedoor.Shesticksherheadoutofthedoor.“Addison,”shecallsthenewreceptionistwhostartedworkingherethisweek.Withtheexpandingbusiness,weneededtohiresomeonetodomostofthepaperworkandreturnphonecalls.
Addisoncomesintotheroomandlooksatallofus,thesmileonherfacefalling.“AmIintrouble?”sheasksasshetucksherblondhairbehindherear.
“No!”weallshoutatthesametime,andthefrownturnsbackintoasmile.
“Thatguywhowasjustinhere?”Clarabellaasksher.
“Thehotone?”sheasks,andallIcandoisrollmyeyes.He’snotthathot,andIdon’tknowwhyI’mbotheredshethinksthat.
“Yes,him,”Clarabellaconfirms,turningtometosmileasifshemadehercase.
“He’snotthathot.”Ithrowmyhandsupintheair.
“Nowyou’refuckinglying.”Shelbypointsatme.“Addison,whatareyoudoingtonight?”
Shelooksatherandthenme.“ProbablysomecoloringandthenmaybesomePlay-Doh,andifit’sreallyacrazynight—painting.”Shesmiles.Herdaughterisfouryearsoldandsheisasinglemom,andfromwhatshesaid,thefatherisnotinvolvedatall.
“Nottonight,youaren’t.You’regoingtothehockeygame,”Shelbytellsher,andhereyesgobig.
“Um,”shesays,“thankyousomuch,butIdon’thaveanybabysitters.”Shetwistsherfingersinfrontofher.“AndIdon’thavetheextracashtohiresomeone.”
“Iwilltakeher,”Shelbysayswithasmile.“Thegirlshaveagreattimewhentheyaretogether.”Addison’seyesgoevenbigger.
“Ihaven’tbeenoutwithouthersinceshewasborn.”Iputmyheadback,feelinglikeanassholeifI’mtheonewhoruinsheronenightout.
“Thisisinsane,”Ifinallysayoutloud.“Arewejustgoingtoforgetthathewasengagedlessthanaweekago?”
“Letmeaskyousomething,”Shelbysays,andfromhertone,Ihaveafeelingshe’sgoingtocomeatmewithgunsblazing.
“Howwasheduringtheweddingmeetings?”Sheputsherhandsonherhips.
“Oh,goodone.”Clarabellaclaps,pointingatShelby.
“Hewaslikeeveryothergroom,”Iliethroughmyteeth.Foldingmyarmsovermychest,onelookatthemandtheycanseethroughme.“Okay,hewasoffabit,butthatisonlybecauseitwasawkwardthathisexwasplanninghiswedding.”Ilookather.“HowdoyouthinkAcewouldfeelifyouwereplanninghiswedding?”
Clarabellajustlaughs.“She’dbeburningthatfuckingchurchdown.”ShelooksatShelby.“Don’teventrytolie.”
“Notevengoingtotry,”Shelbysays.“Haveyoudiscussedwithhimwhathappenedwiththefiancée?”
“No,”Igasp.“Notonepartofmewantstoknowabouthisrelationshipwithhisfiancée.”Ilookatthem.
“Well,anotherreasontotalktohimagain,”Clarabellasays.
“It’sover,”ItellthemandIlookatPresley,whoisthemostsensibleatthismoment,“witheverything.”
“Sowearen’tgoingtothegametonight?”Addisonasks,andIjustlookoverather.
Itakeadeepbreath,lookingattheflowersandthetickets.“Justforthegame.”Ilookoverateveryonesquealing,pointingoveratthewhitebox.“ButI’mnotwearingthatfuckingthing.”matthew
Thesoftalarmbellswakemefrommydream,rightbeforeItakeSofia.Myeyesflickeropeninthedarkenedroom.Ilookaroundforasecond,makingsureitwasadreamandnotreality.
Ireachover,andthecoversarecold.“Justadream,”Imumble,grabbingthephonefromthebedsidetableandturningoffthealarmbeforethrowingthecoveroffmyselfandgettingoutofbed.Whenit’sagameday,Ialwaysgetatwo-hournapinduringtheday.Usually,Ihavetroublefallingasleep,butbecauseIdidn’tsleepwellthenightbefore,IcrashedassoonasIputmyheaddown.ItcouldalsobebecauseIsawSofiarightbeforeIwenttobed,oritcouldbethatI’mfeelinginmyskinforthefirsttimeinalongtime.Ican’texplainit,butI’llbeaskingmyfatheraboutitthisweekendwhenhecomesdown.
Pressingthebuttontoopenthedark-outshades,Imakemywaytothewalk-incloset.Halftheclosetisemptyofcourse,sinceit’ssobig.Iturnandgotomysuitrack,grabbingabluesuit.Takingthehangerofftherack,Iplaceitontheislandinthemiddleoftheroomthathasdrawers.Slidingthepantsoffthehangerandslippingintothem,Iturntograbawhitebutton-downshirt.Tuckingitin,Ibuttonitallthewaytothetop,thenopenthetopdrawerandgrabadark-bluetie.Ifinishgettingdressed,thenIrunmyhandsthroughmyhairbeforewalkingoutofthehouseandintomycar.
Igettotherinkandseethecameracrewsetuptheretotakepicturesandvideosoftheguysarriving.Igrabmyphoneandwalkin,noddingtothecrewbeforetextingSofia.
Whattimeareyougoingtobehere?
Idon’tknowifsheisgoingtoanswerme.Fuck,Idon’tevenknowifsheisgoingtocome.Fromthelookonherfacewhenshecameoutofherofficebefore,I’mluckyIwasn’tstruckdownbylightning.RightbeforeIputthephonedown,Isendherapictureofaflyingpig.
Iundressfivesecondsafterarriving,whichdefeatsthepurposeofarrivinginasuit,butrulesarerules.Imakeapitstopintheteamkitchen,preparingaproteinshakebeforeIgointothegymandgetonthebike.Istarttopedalslowly,warmingupmylegs,anddecidethatI’mgoingtoscrollInstagram.Myfingersarealreadytypinginhername.Iseethatsheisprivate,andthelittlecirclepictureisofherwiththreeotherpeople,butIcan’tseeorzoomin.Ipressfollowandsendheramessage.
Hi,friend.
Ilaughatmyjoke,alsoknowinghowmadsheisgoingtoget.IputthephonedownasIwatchthehugetelevisionscreenintheroom.Ispeedupmypace,pushingmyselfbutnotthathard.Islowmypacebeforegettingupandjoiningsomeoftheguystowarmup.Whenit’stimetogoandsuitup,IcheckInstagramtoseeifsheacceptedmyfollow,onlytobeshownthatIhavetorequesttofollowheragain.“OhmyGod.”Ichuckle.“Shedeniedme.”Ishakemyheadandgotothemessages,seeingshesawthemessageandleftmeonunread.
MyheartskipsabeatbecauseIknowhowgoodthechaseisgoingtobe,butbetteryet,Iknowhowworthitit’sgoingtobewhenImakehermine.Iputmyphonedownbeforeundressingandgettingintomygear.ThemusicintheroomisblaringasIcloseoffmyhead,it’stimetowork.
Grabbingmyglovesandmystick,Iskateoutontotheice.Myskatesglideovertheshinysurface;thereisnothingquitelikeskatingonfreshice—Imean,itcomesafterpondice,whichisthebestthingI’veeverskatedon.DuringChristmasbreakwe’vestartedtorenthousesupnorthwherethefamilyskatesalldaylong.It’sthebest.
Myeyesscanthepeoplestandingaroundbytheboards,fansholdingupsignsandbangingonthewindow.Idon’tseeher.Istandontheside,waitingforsomeonetopassmethepuckbeforeIskatetothegoalieandtakeashot.I’mskatingbacktothesidewhenIlookuptotheseatsshehasticketsfor,andthenIseeher.Standingtherewearingblackpantsandablackleatherjacketwithascarfaroundherneck,shehasherhairlooseandlooksaheadwithabeerinherhand.Theonethingsheismissingisthejerseywithmynameonit.Allinduetime,ItellmyselfasIwaitforhertofindmeontheice.Whenshedoes,myfacegoesintothebiggestsmileIthinkI’veeverhad.Sobigmycheekshurt.Igiveherachinupandthensmirkather
IntrueSofiafashion,sheholdsonehandupandflipsmethebird.Ithrowmyheadbackandlaughatthetopofmylungsbeforesheturnstotalktothewomanbesideher.ThesamewomanIsawthisafternoonwhenIshowedup.“Couldbeworse,shecouldhavecomewithaguy,”ItellmyselfasIskateofftheiceforustogetitreadyforthegame.
Iskatetothemiddleoftheice,thesoundsofthecrowdcheeringforus.IholdmystickinbothhandsasIwaitfortherefereetocomeoverwiththepuck.Cole,mycenterman,standstherereadytogo.IamonhisrightandNickisonhisleft.“Let’splayacleangame,”therefereesaystobothteams.Iputmystickontheiceandwaitforthepucktodrop.
Thesecondthepucktouchestheice,themusicshutsoff.Colelosestheface-off,givingTorontothepuck.Thedefensemanskatesthepuckintotheneutralzoneandthenpassesitacrosstheicetotherightside.Mystickcomesout,tryingtoblockit,butitistooshort.Theybringthepuckinthezone,settinguptheirplay.Theguytakesashotonthenetanditbouncesoffthegoalie’spadandgoestowardtherightside.Thedefensemancomingintothezonegrabsthepuck,turns,andpassesittothemiddleoftheice,butColeinterceptsit.I’malreadyoutofthezonewithhimasthedefensemanfollowsus.Hespeedsupintheneutralzoneashepassesmethepuck.Itakeitovertheblueline,passingitbackovertoColewhoisclosertothegoalie.Insteadoftakingashotonthegoalie,hequicklypassesitbacktomeandIputitinthebackofthenet.Theredlightinbackgoesonatthesametimethefansjumptotheirfeet.Thosearoundtheglassslapittocelebratewithus.IputmylegupbeforeIskateovertoCole,jumpingonhim.ThecrowdgoeswildasIlookupatSofiaandgiveheranotherchinup.Shejustshakesherheadandsheclapsherhands.Football,myass,IthinktomyselfasIheadovertothebenchandskatedowntheline,high-fivingeveryone.
Thethreeperiodsareover,andweendupwinningfourtotwo.It’salwaysagoodtimeafteryouwin.I’mnamedfirststar,soIskatearoundtherink,tossingthreepucksintothestands.Savingthelastoneforhersection,Itossitovertheglasstowardherbutitissnatchedoutoftheairwaybeforeitevengetstoher.
Irushtothelockerroomandtakemyphone,sendingheratextbeforethemediaisletintotheroom.
Meetmedownstairs.
Ipresssend,waitingforasecond,andwhenIdon’tseethethreedotspopup,Icallher.Dialinghernumber,IputmyfingertomyothereartoblockoutthesoundoftheguyscelebratingwhileIwalkintothehallway,whereit’sabitquieter.Sheanswersafterthreerings.“Hello,”shesaysandIcanhearpeoplearoundher.
“Whereareyou?”Iask.
“Tryingtogetoutofhere.”Shelaughs.“Whereareyou?”
“I’minthelockerroom,”Itellher.“Comemeetme.”
“Don’tpushyourluck,”shesays,chuckling.
“Comeon,Ineedtothankyouforshowingup.”Ilookaround.“Plus,Ihaveapuckhere.”
Shelaughs.“Gotowardtheescalatorthatleadstodownstairs,”Iinstructher.“Oncethere,followthesignsthatbringyoutomedia.”
“Ugh,”shegroans,andIhearrustlingfromherend.“Fiveminutes—Ihavetobesomewhere,”shesays,andIsqueezemyphonetighter.
“Seeyousoon,”IsayandhangupbeforeIpissheroffbyaskingheramillionquestionsaboutwhoshe’smeeting.
Istandhereattheentranceofthemediacorridor,hearingsomeofthefanswalkby,mybackpressedagainstthewall.Thedropsofwaterfrommyhairfallontomyjersey.IpeekmyheadoutandthenIseeherwalkingaroundthecornerwiththatgirl,thetwoofthemtalkingandlaughingtogether.Igetachancetolookatherwithoutherknowinganditallmakessensetomenow.EverythingmyfathersaidtomewhenIaskedhimhowheknewmymotherwastheone.
“Youaren’tsupposedtothinkyoufoundtheone.Youaresupposedtoknow.Ifit’stheone,thereisn’tthatquestion.Therearen’tanyquestions,itjustis.Thereisnosecond-guessingwhenyouknowit’stheone.”
He’ssofuckingright.It’snothingthatIcanexplain.Itisn’tlikeit’swritteninabookorflashinglightsarepointingatit.Youjustknow,andstandingherewatchingher,mystomachgetstight,mychestcontracts,andIfeellikeIcanwalkonwater.
Shemustsensemelookingatherbecausesheturnsherheadtowardme.Shelooksaroundandthenholdsupafingertotellmetowaitaminute,whileshethenpointsuptowardtheladies’bathroom.Inodmyheadatherasshedisappearsfrommysight.
“Damn,”Ihearfrombesideme,seeingBradyfromTorontostandingtherestillinhisgear.Theonlythingoffishisskates.Theopponent’slockerroomisrightnexttowhereI’mstanding.
“Who’sthechick?”Hecrosseshisarmsoverhischest.
“Fuckoff,Brady.”Imotionwithmyheadtowardhischangingroom.Bradyallbutlaughsinmyfaceandclapshishands.
“Ifshewasyours,wouldyouevenhavetotellmetofuckoff?”Hepokesthebearwithastick.Istand,goingtoe-to-toewithhim,butbecauseIstillhavemyskateson,I’mtallerthanhim.
“Letmeputthisinwordsthatyouaregoingtounderstand,”Isaybetweenclenchedteeth.AcoupleofpeoplefromTorontohavestucktheirheadsoutoftheroom.“Ifyouevengonexttoher,I’mgoingtomakesureyouareeatingfromastrawforthenextfourmonths.”
HechucklesandisabouttosaysomethingwhenthecaptainoftheteamcomesoutandgrabsBradybyhisshirt.“Gogetchanged,”hetellsBrady.
Istareintohiseyes.“Isthatclearenoughforyou?”Bradytakesonemorelookatmebeforeheturnsandheadsbacktotheroom.Theminutehewalksawayfromme,anotherthinghitsme,shockingmeevenmore—myuncleMatthewhasbeenrightabouteverything.sofia
IflushthetoiletandwalkouttowashmyhandsatthesametimeAddisonrushesbackintothebathroom.IputmyhandunderthesoapdispenserandI’mabouttowashmyhandswhenIseeherface.“Ithinkweshouldgo,”sheurges,lookingoverhershoulderandI’mafraidsomethinghappenedtoher.
Iputmyhandsunderthestreamofwatertorinseoffthesoap.“Iseverythingokay?”Iaskbeforewalkingoverandsnatchingsomebrownpaperfromthedispenseranddryingmyhands.
“Weshouldn’tgooutthere,”shesaysandlooksoveratthedoorway.
“Why?”Iask.
“Youknowyourguy?”sheasks,hervoicegoinglowasshewringsherhandsinfrontofher.
“He’snotmyguy,”Icorrecther,andshejustrollshereyesatme.
“Okay,well,theguywhowantsyouandyouwanthim,”shestates.“Heliterallythreatenedaguywhowasaskingaboutyou.”
“Why?”Igasp,shocked.“What?”
“He’sgoingtobeeatingfromastraw.”Mymouthopenstosaysomethingbutnothingcomesout.Shefansherselfnow.“Ihaven’tbeenwithanyonesincemydaughterwasconceived,butifyouweren’tinterestedinhim…”Shewinksatme,makingmeglare.
“Thisiscrazy,”IhuffbeforeIkickherintheshinforeventhinkingaboutMatthewthatway.
Iwalkoutandseehe’swaitingwithhishandsonhiships.Helooksupwhenhehearsmecoming.“Good,you’rehere,”hesays.“Ihavetogoandtalktothepress.”Hepointswithhisthumbbehindhim.“Butdoyouwanttogoandeat?”
Yes!myheadshoutsout,butmymouthsays,“Ihavetoworktomorrow.”IturntoAddison.“AndIhavetogetAddisonhome.”
“Fine,”hegrumbles,lookingaround,“thengivemetenminutes,andI’llwalkyouout.”ThelookonhisfaceisoneIdon’tthinkI’veseenbefore
“Idon’tneedyoutowalkmeout,”Iassurehim,andhejuststaresatme,histeethgrindingdown.
“Fine,thenI’llleavewithyounow.”Hebendstostartuntyinghisskates.“Thenbefinedfornottalkingtothepress.”Helooksuponcehe’sgotoneofhisskatesuntied.
“OhmyGod,youaresuchadick,”Isayoutloud.
“Isthatayes?”heasks,hismouthgoingfromasidesmirktoasmile.Hishairisstilldrippingwetfromthegame.
“It’sanIhavenochoice.”IthrowmyhandsupandIseesomeoftheplayerswalkoutoftheroom.Oneofthemlingerslookingatme,andAddisonnudgesmewithherelbow.
“Goodenough.I’mgoingtogochangeandmeetthepress.”
“Andshower,”Istickinthere,“youstinklikemoldedcheeseandfeet.”Ifanmynose.
“Okay,howaboutyoudropoffAddison?”HemotionstoAddison.“Nicetomeetyou.”
“Thankyou,”Addisonsays,“fortheticketstothegame.Ihadsomuchfun.”
“Anytime,”hereplies,“aslongasyoubringthisone.”Hepointsatme
“I’mstandingrighthere,”Itellhim,wavingmyhandinfrontofhisface,andhelaughs.“I’mgoingtodriveAddisonhome,andthenIdon’tknow,Iguessyoucantextme.”
Helooksatmeforwhatfeelslikeforever,myfeetwanttostepforwardtohimandkissunderhischin.Ihaven’tseenhiminactioninalongtime,andIsweartoGod,theminuteIsawhimskating,Igushedfrommyvagina.“Five-secondlook,”hesays,andIcan’thelpbutburstoutlaughing.
“Whatever,Matty.”Isayhisnicknamemoretoannoyhimthananythingelse.
Heglaresatme.“TheguysusuallyheadovertoLuke’sBistro,”hesays.“Doyouknowwherethatis?”
Ilaugh.“That’sClarabella’shusband’splace.”
“Good,sopeoplewillknownottofuckwithyou,”hestates,lookingoverhisshoulder.“Bernard,”hecallstotheguywhoisstandinginsidethedoorwearingabluesuit.Theguywalksovertous.“Bernard,thisisSofia,my”—helooksatmeandmyeyebrowsgohigh—“friend,andAddison,myotherfriend.”
“Nicetomeetyou,”Isay,noddingathim,wonderingwhatisgoingon.
“Doyouthinkyoucanescortthemtotheircarandmakesurethatnoone—”hesays,andIturnawaywithoutsayingawordtohim.“Whereareyougoing?”
“Awayfromyou,”Itossovermyshoulder,Addisonrushingtokeepupwithme.“Goodbye,Matty.”
“Matthew!”heshoutshisname.“Textmewhenyougetinthecarandyou’reonyourway.”
“Absolutelynot,”Iretort,notbotheringtolookbackathimaswemakeourwayovertotheescalator.“He’ssoinfuriating,”Isay,lookingoveratAddison.“Areyouokay?”Iask,andsheshakesherheadandlaughs,lookingdown.
“Clarabellasaidsomethingaboutamatingdancetheotherday,”shesaysaswegettothetopfloorwherewewalkedinfrom.Ifollowthesignstotheparkinggarage,someofthefansstilllingeringalongwiththeconcessionstandworkerswhoareclosingup.“Ididn’tquiteunderstandit,butnow,afterwatchingthat”—shelooksoverhershoulder—“Igetit.”
“Ugh,”Igroanaswewalktowardtheparkinggarage.“MatthewandIhaveahistory.”
“Fromthelooksofit,”shenotes,“Idon’tthinkit’shistory.”
“Hebrokeupwithmewhenhewasdrunktwoyearsago,”Itellher,andshestopswalking,“andthenacoupleofmonthsagohiredmetoplanhisweddingwithhisfiancée.”
“Ihadaone-nightstandandendeduphavingababy,”shefinallysays,andmyeyesalmostpopoutoftheirsockets.“Metthisguyatabar.Hewassohot.”Shesmiles.“Hadthehottestsexofmylifewithhim.ThenwokeupandcringedthatIjusthadaone-nightstand,andinsteadofstayingandtalkingtohim,Ididthewalkofshameatsixinthemorning.Sixweekslater,Iwaspregnant,andwhenIwentbacktotellhim,hewasmovedoutandgone.”
“OhmyGod,”Isay,puttingmyhandtomymouth.“Fine,youwin.”
“Ididwin,”shedeclares.“Ihavethebestkidthatyoucouldeverhave.Averyisallmejustwithherfather’sface,”shesayssadly,“andfortherestofmylifeI’mgoingtomakesuresheneverfeelslikeshemissedoutbynothavingadad.”
Iwalkovertoherandgiveherahug.“Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,Ididn’tmeetmydaduntilIwasfive.”Shegasps.“Heandmymotherhadaone-nightstandbeforeheleftforthemilitary,andthensurprise,outcameme.Fiveyearslater,shewentbacktotownbecausehergrandfatherdiedandmyfatherwasalsobackintown.”
“Wow,”Addisonsays.
“Yeah,plusI’vemetAveryandsheisthecoolestkidI’veevermet.AndIhavealotofpracticewithcousins,”IassureherasIslipmyarminhers.“Iwantyoutopromisemesomething.”
“Oh,”Addisonsays,“Iwon’ttellanyoneabouttonight.”
“Idon’tgiveashitaboutthat.Iwantyoutopromisemethatifyoueverneedhelp,you’llcometome.”
Shelooksdown.“Thankyou,”shesayssoftly.“MyparentsdisownedmewhenIhadAvery.”Iputmyhandtomychest.“Theyrefusedtohaveadaughterwhohadachildoutofwedlock.”
“Addison,”Imurmursoftly,myheartliterallybreakingforher.
“Mysisterandbrother.”Shewipesawayatear,andnowIfeellikeanassholeformakingherfeelbad.“Theydidn’twanttopissoffMomandDad,nordidtheywanttogettheirtrustfundtakenaway,sotheyjustfounditwaseasiertopretendIdidn’texist.WhenIhadAvery,IdressedherupinthecutestoutfitIcouldfindandwenttoseethem.Ithoughtforsureoncetheysawher,theywouldcometotheirsenses.”Shesmilesthroughthetears.“Needlesstosay,theyslammedthedoorinmyfaceandpretendedIwasn’teventhere.”
Icrossmyarmsovermychest.“Excuseme,buttheyareassholes,”Itellher,“andtheydon’tdeservetohaveyouorAveryintheirlives.”
“Thankyou,”shesays.“Gettingthisjobmeanteverythingtome.Justbeingpartofateamandnotjustanumber.”
“Youaren’tjustamemberoftheteam,”Iexplaintoher.“You’renowfamily.Imean,dysfunctional,butstill.”
“I’lltakeit,”sherepliesaswegetintothecar.Istartthecar,andshejustlooksatme.
“What?”Iask,andshetiltsherheadtotheside.
“Youhavetotexthimthatyougotinthecar,”sheremindsme,andIglareather.
“IfyouthinkI’mgoingtodowhathesaystodo,youhaveanotherthinkcoming.”Ishakemyhead.“He’sluckyI’mgoingtomeethim,andtheonlyreasonI’mgoingtomeethimisbecausehe’llprobablyshowupatmyhouseoratwork.”
Shesnickersbesideme.“Thisisgoingtobefun,”shesays,clappingherhands.
Ishakemyhead,notbotheringarguingwithher.IdropheroffatShelby’shousewhereshelefthercarandAvery.Ipulloutofthedrivewayandmyphonerings.Ilookatthecenterconsole,seeingthatMatthewiscalling.
“Areyoucallingtocancel?”Isaycheerfully,andhejustlaughs.
“I’mcallingbecauseyounevertextedme,”hehuffs.“Whereareyou?”
“Whereareyou?”IanswerhisquestionwithaquestionasImakemywayintotown.
“Ijustgotoutoftheshower,”heactuallyanswers.“Areyouattherestaurant?”
“Iamnot,”Isay,andhedoesn’tevenwaitformetoanswerhim.
“Fine,I’llcometoyourhouse,”hemuttersandIlaughathim.
“I’monmywaytotherestaurant,don’tgetyourpantiesinatwist.”
“Okay,I’mleavinginten,soI’llmeetyouthere.”
“Yeah,yeah,”Isayandhanguponhim.IpullintotheparkinglotatthesametimeasLukeiswalkingout.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”heaskswhenIgetoutofmycar,lookingathiswatch.“It’steno’clockonaschoolnight.”
“Iknow,”Ihuff.“I’mmeetingafriend.”
“Thehockeyplayer?”heasks,andIgawk.
“Isnothingsacred?”Icrossmyarmsovermychest,andhelaughs.
“Therestaurantisclosedfortheteam.”Hechuckles.“ButClarabelladidsayyouwenttothegametonight.”Helooksaround.“Shewouldbeveryinterestedtoknowthatyoucamehere.”Istarttotalk,andheholdsuphishand.“I’llsavethatforyoutotellher.”Hecomesoverandkissesmycheek.“Gointhebacksonooneseesyouwalkin.”
“Thankyou,”Isay,walkingovertothebackdoor.IsmileatthecooksasImakemywaytothefront,slidingontoastoolatthebar.
“Ifitisn’tSofia,”Anthony,thebartender,says.“Mynightjustwentfromsuckytoamazing.”HewinksatmeandIjustlaugh.AnthonyandIhaveworkedsidebysidebehindthebaracoupleoftimeswhenwewerestuckatthevenueandhadtocallinhelp.“WhatcanIgetyou?”
“I’llhaveawhitewine,please,”Itellhimandhenodsandwalksaway.I’mabouttotakemyphoneoutwhenIfeelthestoolnexttomebeingpulledout.
Ilookoverandseehim,hishairstillwetfromtheshower.Thesmellofhiscolognehitsmerightaway,andsuddenly,I’mbackinthewhirlwindthatisMatthewPetrov.I’mabouttosaysomethingtohimwhenheshocksmewithhisquestion.“Isthatafriendofyours?”matthew
Istandhereforacoupleofsecondswaitingtoseeifsheisgoingtoanswerme,puttingmyhandsinmypantspocketsbeforeIdosomethingstupidlikedragherawayfromhereandanyoneelsewhowantstolookather.Shelooksoveratme.“AnthonyandIarefriendsactually.”Ismirkatheranswer.Theminutesheagreedtomeetme,Iranbackintheroom,gavetwointerviewsthatIrushedthrough,andranoutoftheshowernotevenwaitingtodrymyhair.Ituckedmytieinthejacketpocketandhightailedittoher.WhenIwalkedin,ittookmetwosecondstofindheratthebar.
“Whereisthegirl?”Iask,lookingaround.
“Shehadtogethometoherdaughter,”shereplies,andI’mevenhappierit’sjustthetwoofus.Imean,IwouldhavetakenheranywayIcould.
“Hereyouare,”Anthonysays,comingbackover.Heputsawhitesquarenapkindownonthebarbeforeheplacestheglassofwhitewineinfrontofher.Hesmilesatherbeforeheturnstolookatme.“CanIgetyouanythingtodrink?”heasks.
“I’mgood,”Itellhim,insteadofdoingwhatIwanttodoandthatisthroatpunchhim.Henodsatmebeforewalkingdownthebar.“Shouldwegrabatable?”Iask,lookingaroundtoseethatmostoftheguyscameouttonight.Therearedefinitelymorepeoplewhocomeoutafterawinthanwhenwelose.It’susuallyahitormissforme.IfSofiawasn’there,Iwouldhavegonehome,butnothingcouldhavestoppedmefromtalkingtoher.
“Yes.”Shenods,grabbingherbagandholdingherhandupforAnthony,whocomesbackover.Hewalksasifhe’sonacatwalk,andifIthoughtIhatedhimbefore,Iwaswrong.“CanIgetthebill?”
“I’vegotit,”Iassurehim.“We’regoingtogotothetable.I’llsettleupattheend.”
“Noproblem,”Anthonysays.“Besides,thatonewasonme.”
Doyouknowthosecartoonswhereyouseetheguygettinghitontheheadwithafryingpanoverandoveragainuntilheseesstars?That’swhatIthinkofwhenhesaysthis.
“Aren’tyouthesweetest?”Sofiaplayswithhim,andIhavetobitedown.“Nexttime,it’sonme.”
Nevergoingtohappen,Ialmostsayoutloud,butinsteadIputmyhandtoherlowerback,guidinghertoaboothinthebackoftherestaurant.Sheslidesintothebooth,whileItakeoffmysuitjacketandtossitattheendofmysideoftheboothbeforesittinginfrontofher.IrollthesleevesofmyshirtuptomyelbowsonceIunbuttonthem.
“Haveyoueaten?”IaskwhileIlookdownatthemenuthatwasplacedonthetablebeforeweevensatdown.Weusuallyrentoutthewholeplacesonooneiscominguptouswhileweenjoyourmeals.
“Iateahotdogatthegame,”shesays,grabbingherglassofwine,“andapretzel.”Shetakesasipandlooksaround.
Theservercomesuptothetable.“Hi,I’mSuzanna.CanIgetyouanything?”
“I’llhavethegrilledsalmonwithsteamedveggies,”Itellher,thenglanceatSofia,whoisnowlookingdownatthemenu.
“I’lltakeasmallhousesaladandaplateoffries.”Shelooksup,smilingattheserver,whonodsatherbeforeturningbacktome.“CanIgetyouanythingtodrink?”
“I’llhaveawater,”Itellher,handinghermymenuforhertotakethehintandleaveusalone.EversinceIwalkedinhereandsawher,allIknewwasIdidn’twanttoshareher.
“Comingrightup,”shechirps,walkingawayfromus.IlookbackoveratSofia,whoisstilllookingaround.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iask,turningmyheadandlookingaround,wonderingifshesawsomeonesheknew.
Shefinallylooksbackatme,tappingherfingeronthebaseofherwineglass.“Isthisgoingtobesomethingtheytalkabouttomorrow?”sheasks,andmyeyebrowspinchtogetherbecauseIhavenofuckingcluewhatsheistalkingabout.
“Ihavenoideawhatyoumeanbythat,”Isay,leaningbackontheboothandstretchingmyarmsacrosstheback.
“Well,”shesays,grabbingherglassagain,“nottoolongago,youwereengaged.”Shebringstheglasstoherlips.“AndIwasyourweddingplanner,”sheadds,rightbeforeshetakesasiptostopherselffromtalking.
“Thingschange.”ThatistheonlythingIcansay.Ihadn’treallyannouncedthattheengagementwason.Andifitwasn’tforHelena’spostonsocialmediawithapictureofthering,noonewouldhavecaughtwindofit.
“Butdothey?”Sheputsherglassdown,andSuzannacomesoverwiththeglassofwaterforme.
“Theydo,”Iconfirm,grabbingtheglassandfinishinghalfofit.
“Letmeaskyousomething.”Shelooksmedeadintheeyes,andforthelifeofme,Ican’trememberatimeIdidn’tloveher.WhichisthestrangestthingbecauseIhaven’tseenherintwoyears.
“Youcanaskmeanything,”Itellher.Nowit’smyturntotapthetablenervously.
“Afterwemetthefirsttime.”Itiltmyheadtotheside.“Whydidyoucomeback?”
Thepitofmystomachburnswiththisquestion.“Ididn’t,”Ifinallysay,“Iwasn’tplanningonit.Actually,theminutewewalkedoutoftheoffice,Iturnedandsaidweweren’tusingyou.”Hereyebrowsgoupatthisdeclaration.“Helenatoldmeatthelastminuteshebookedyou.”
“Youdidn’ttrytoconvinceherotherwise?”sheaskstheloadedquestion.It’sthesamequestionChristopheraskedmewhenItoldhimwewereusingSofia.Itwillprobablybethefirstquestionmycousinswillaskmeoncetheyfindout.
“IfiguredifIdid.”Ilookaround,notreadytoadmitthenextpart.“Shewouldwanttoknowwhy.”
Sofia’seyesalmostbulgeoutoftheirsockets.“Soshedidn’tknowaboutme?”
“No.”Isaythewordandseethehurtinhereyes,rightbeforeshebuildsthewallbackup,makingmyhearthurt.Iwanthertoaskmewhy.I’mreadyforhertoaskmewhy.Shemightnotbereadyforit,butIam.Exceptshedoesn’taskmeanotherquestion.Instead,shepicksupherglassofwineandlooksawayfrommeasshetakestwogulps
I’mabouttotellherwhyInevertoldHelenaaboutherwhenSuzannacomesoverwiththreeplates.Sheplacesmyplateinfrontofme,thentheplateinfrontofSofia,placingtheplateoffriesinthemiddleofthetable.“Enjoy,”shesaystousbeforewalkingaway
Sofia’seyesstaygluedtoherplateofsalad,grabbingtheforknexttoherasshetossesitaroundontheplate.Igrabmyownfork,flakingapieceofsalmonaway.WeeatinsilenceasIponderthequestionsIwanttoask.Ilookupatheracoupleoftimesandnoticesheisn’teveneatingthesalad.She’sjustplayingwithitonherplate.“What’sthematter?”
“Nothing.”Shedoesn’tlookupatme,andalthoughwehaven’tbeentogetherintwoyears,Iknowthattonedoesn’tmeannothing.Itmeansshe’spissed.Iusedtoalwaysloveitwhenshegavemethistone.Iknewthefightwouldbeworthit,becausewhenwemadeup,itwaselectric.
“Yousurearen’tactinglikenothingiswrong,”Isay,notsureifIshould.
“I’mjustalittlebitannoyedandconfusedisall,”shefinallydeclares.“Youcometomeetme,don’twanttouseme,usemeanyway,andneverevenmentiontoyourfiancéethatwekneweachother.”Sheshakesherhead.“Actually,forgetit.Idon’tevencare,tobehonest.It’snoneofmybusiness.”Shetakesabiteofhersalad.
“IsthatyouaskingmewhyIdidn’ttellheraboutyou?”Itakeabiteofmysalmon,waitingforhertoanswerme.
“Notintheleast.Idon’treallycare.”Iknowit’salie.Sheknowsit’salie.
“Well,consideringwedidn’tjustknoweachother…”ImakesuresheknowsIhatethewaythatcameoutofhermouth.Hereyesnowflyuptome.“Ididn’ttellheraboutyoubecauseIwasn’tsurewhattosay.”
“Idon’tknowhowyourrelationshipworked.”Shetakesasipofherwine.“NordoIcare,butyoushouldalwaysgowiththetruth.”
“Iwouldneverlie,”Itellher,grabbingapieceofcarrot,“whichiswhyIdidn’ttellheraboutyou.”
“Thatmakesnosense.”Sheputsherglassdown.
“Doesn’tit?”Itakeanotherbiteofthesalmon,justsomyhandsarebusydoingsomethinginsteadofbeingonthetabletappingit.“IfItoldheraboutyou,shewouldhavehadquestions.”IlookatSofia.“QuestionsIwouldhavehadtoanswer.”Iraisemyeyebrows,wonderingifshegetswhatI’msaying.
“HowwasIsupposedtotellmyfiancéethatmyweddingplannerwastheonlywomanI’veeverloved?”Shedoesn’tsayanything.“Howdoyouthinkthatconversationwouldhavegone?BecauseshewouldhaveaskedmeifIstillhadfeelingsforyouandtheanswerwouldhavebeenyes.”Sheopenshermouthandclosesitagain,nowordscomingout.“Howdoyouthinkthatwouldhavegone?‘Helena,Ithinkweshouldnotgowithwhite-and-blackflowersbecausetheylookhorrible.’”Igrabanotherpieceofsalmon.“‘Oh,andbytheway,didyouknowSofiaandIdatedandlivedtogetherfortwoyears?’”Ishakemyhead,angrybecausemaybeIshouldhavesaidthosewords.“Areyoudatinganyone?”IsayrightbeforeIpopthepieceofsalmoninmymouth,wantingtokickmyself.DidIactuallysaythosewordsoutloud?DoIwanttoknowtheanswertothis?Onethousandpercent.AmIreadyfortheanswer?Absolutelynot.
Iavoidlookingupather,notsureIcanhandleit.“Yes,”shereplies,hervoicehighandtight.Iclosemyeyesastheanswersinksintomybrain.Theminuteitdoes,aragewashesoverme.
Suzannacomesover.“Areyoufinished?”sheasksofmyalmostemptyplate,andInodmyhead.
“I’mdonealso,”Sofiasays,pushingherplatetoher,“andcanwehavethebill,please?”
“It’salltakencareof,”Suzannarelays.“Haveagreatnight.”
Sofiagrabsherpursefromtheseatandslidesoutofthebench.Iguessthismeanswe’redone.
“I’mdone,”sheannouncesasIgrabmyjacketinmyhandandslideouttostandinfrontofher.“Youdon’thavetoleave.Icanseemyselfout.”
Idon’tbothersayinganythingtoher,insteadIholdoutmyhandforhertowalkaheadofme.IholdupmyhandtoacoupleoftheguysasIwalkout.Myhanditchestoslipitintohersaswewalkaroundthebuildingandtowardtheback,whereIseehercarparked,butshe’sonestepaheadofme.
Thesoundofhershoesclickingistheonlythingthatmakesnoise.Thereisn’tevenanothercaronthestreet.“Thisisme,”shesaysfromthebackofhercar.
Istandinfrontofher.“Howseriousisit?”Itiltmyheadtotheside,waitingforhertoanswer,hopinglikeeverythingthatitisn’t.
“Noneofyourbusiness,”sheretorts,hereyesstaringstraightintomine.Inodmyheadather.“Wearetwofriendshavingaconversation.”Shethrowsmywordsbackinmyface.Ismirkather,alwaysknowingthosewordswouldcomebacktobitemeintheass.
Mywholebodyfillswithnerves.ImakesuremyeyesneverleaveherswhenIsaythewords,“ThelastthingIwantistobeyourfriendandwebothknowit.”
Shelowershereyesjustasecondbeforelookingbackatme.“Iknowacoupleofthings.”Shecrossesherarmsinfrontofher.“One,Ididn’twanttobeherebutyoudidn’tgivemeachoice.”Theliecomesoutofhermouthsosmoothly.Webothknowshedidn’thavetocomeheretonight,butshedid,andIdon’tknowwhoI’mgoingtoowethatsheishere,butIwillpaythemdouble.“Two,whatIalsoknowisthatwesharedsomething”—shetakesadeepbreathin—“awhileago,butnowit’sgone.”
“WhatifIwantitback?”Iasktheloadedquestion.
Shepfftsout,cockingherhiptotheside.“YouthinkI’mgoingtobeyourrebound?”Shepointsatherself.
Ican’thelpbutchuckle,mywholebodyonalert.MyhandclenchesmyjacketsotightIthinkmyfingersareturningwhite.“Youaren’tanyone’sreboundorsecondchoice.”Itakeasteptowardher,myfeetnotevencaringwhatmyheadissaying.Atthispoint,I’mnotthinkingaboutanythingbuther.IstandsoclosetoherIcanfeelherbreathonme.“You’rethefuckingfirstchoiceeverysingletime.”Thewordscomeoutinalmostawhisper.Myhanddropsmyjackettothegroundandfliestoholdherface.ShegaspsjustasmylipstouchhersandIfeellikeIjustwalkedintoheaven.sofia
Everythinghappensinslowmotion,oratleastitfeelslikethat.OneminuteI’msittingdownintheboothandhe’ssayingthingsIneedtocompartmentalize,andthenext,he’saskingmeifI’mdatingsomeone.Thefuckingballsonthisguy,heliterallyaskedsomeonetomarryhim.Nowhe’saskingmeifI’mdatingsomeoneandifit’sserious.Iwantedtostabmyforkinhiseyeball.Theaudacityofhim,andnowhislipsareonmineandIwanttohateitandtellmyselftopushhimaway.Buttheminutehistongueslidesintomymouth,it’slikethefirsttimealloveragain,exceptnowit’sgoingtobeworsebecauseIrememberwhatit’sliketobekissedbyMatthew.
Hishandsmovefrommyfaceandareburiedinmyhairashepullsmeevenclosertohim.Hisheadmovestothesidetodeepenthekiss,andIforgetitall.IforgetthatI’mpissedathim.IforgetIwantedtoslaphimacrosstheface.Myhandsmoveontheirownastheygotohishipsandthenuphissides,slowlymovingtohischestwherehisheartbeatsundermypalms.Ourheartsbeatalmostatthesamerhythm.IwanttopushhimawayfrommebutIgetlostinthekiss.IgetlostintoeverythingthatMatthewPetrovis.He’scharming,he’sbeautiful,he’sfunny,he’stheloveofmylife,yethe’salsotheonewhobrokemyheart.
Hemoveshisnoseagainstmine.“Matthew.”Hisnamecomesoutinawhisperoraplea,Idon’treallyknownordoItrustmyselfifhe’stouchingme.
“Ilovewhenyousaymyname.”Hisvoiceisawhisperalso,rightbeforehecomesbacktokissme.IclosemyeyesforasecondandtellmyselfIneverhadalastkisswithhim,sothisisgoingtobethelastone,butevenmyheadlaughsatme.Mytonguefightswithhisastheygoaroundandaroundandaround.
MyhandsfallfromhischestandItakeastepbackfromhim.Hishandsfallfrominsidemyhairasmyheadtinglesfromhistouch.Mylipsarestillwetfromhiskissasbothofusjuststareateachother.Myeyesmoveoverhisandthendowntohischesttowheremyhandsjustwere.“Youkissedme.”
“Youkissedmeback,”hecounters,notevencaringthathekissedmeoutsideinthemiddleofaparkinglotwhereanyonecouldhaveseenus.
“Youkissedme,”IrepeatasmylipstinglefromthekissandIwanttowipehistasteoffmylips,butmyhandsstaygluedtomyside,“inthemiddleofaparkinglot.”
Helooksaround.“Iguessthisiswhereithappened.”Hebendstopickupthejackethetossedontheground.
“ItoldyouIwasdatingsomeone.”Iputmyhandsonmyhips.“Andyoudidn’tevencare.”
Heholdsuphishandstomakemestoptalking.“Youwerelying.”Iglareathim.“Everysingletimeyoulie,youblinkfasterthanyounormallydo.”HepointsoutsomethingthatIwasworkingonnotdoing.
“I’mnotdatinganyoneinparticular,”Isayahalftruth,andhejustlooksatmewiththatdumbsmirkIhate.
“Yes,youare,”hedeclares.“I’llseeyoutomorrow,PrincessSofia.”Hestunsmebyturningaroundandwalkingovertohiscar,gettingin,anddrivingaway.
“Motherfucker!”IshouttothebackofhiscarasIgetintomyowncaranddriveaway.Igethomeandstormintothehouse,slammingthedoorbehindme.“Thatfuckingjackass.”Itossmypurseonthetablebeforewalkingupstairsandgettingundressed.“IwouldhavehadtotellherIstillhadfeelingsforyou,”Imockhiswords,puttingonapairofshortsandatanktop.Pinningthehairontopofmyhead,Iwalkintothebathroomtotakeoffmymakeup.“Ishouldhavenotgonetothegame.”Iamgoinginsane,Ithinktomyself.I’mhavingafull-blownconversationwithmyself.“Ishouldhavegonewithmygutandignoredit.”Ibrushmyteethaftertossingthewetclothinthewashpile.“Goandshowhimyouaren’taffectedbyhim.”Ishakemyheadatthewords.“Yeah,thatworkedoutgreatforme.”Iwalkoutandturnoffallthelightsbeforeslidingintobed.“Hekissedmewithoutasecondthought.”Isinkintothepillow.“Wasitgood?”Isaytoabsolutelynoone.“Yes,itwas,butit’sprobablybecauseIhaven’tkissedanyoneinalongtime.”Ilaughatmyself.“Yeah,let’sgowiththat.Iwasdesperateforsomeonetokissme.”
Itossandturnmostofthenight,onlyfallingasleepforacoupleofhours.Finally,Igiveupatsixinthemorningandgrabmyphone.OpeningInstagram,IseethatMatthewPetrovhasrequestedtofollowme.Again,IdowhatIdidthedaybefore,Ipressthedeletebutton.AssoonasIpressthedeletebutton,IgoontohisInstagram.Becauseheplayshockey,he’snotonprivate,soIcanlurkonhispageandnooneknowsbutme.Iscrolldowntothesixpictureshehas,seeingthelastpicturehepostedwasthissummer.It’shimwithhiscousin,Christopher,andIzoomthepictureabitmoretoseethathe’swiththeactorRomeoBeckett.Allthreeinatuxwiththecaption:Hewonthetrophyandtookhomethegirl.Congratsonthewedding,GabriellaandRomeo.IsliderightandseeapictureofGabriellaandRomeoatthealtar,theirhandsholdingeachother’s,herhandintheairwithherbouquet,hishandintheairwiththeOscar.IscrolldowntoseethatnotoneposthasHelenainit.Notonepostaboutthemgettingmarried.Notonepostaboutanythingtoevensayhehadagirlfriend.
I’mabouttogodowntherabbitholeandtypeinHelena’snamewhenIhearasoftknock.IstopmidtypetomakesureIdidn’tjusthearitinmyhead.Thesoundcomesagainexceptjustatouchlouder.Isitupinmybed,tossingthecoversoffmebeforewalkingtothedoorandstickingmyheadouttomakesureIhearditfromdownstairs.Theknockcomesagain.“Whatinthehell?”Imutter,walkingdownthestepsandlookingoutthepeephole.“OhmyGod,”Imumbleashelooksstraightintothepeephole.
Idon’tevenknowhowheknowsI’mhere,buthesays,“Ibroughtyoucoffee.”He’sholdingupthetrayofcoffeeinonehand.“Andbreakfast.”
Iunlockthedoorandopenitjustabit,myeyesmeetinghis.HisfacegoesintoabigsmileasItakehimin.He’swearingshortsandablueT-shirtwithhisbaseballhatonhisheadbackward.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Iwantedtohavebreakfastwithyou,”hesays,myfeetmovingbackwardtoopenthedoorforhim.Hetakesastepinandstaresatmyoutfit.MynipplesarehardandpokingthroughthetanktopI’mwearing.“Goodmorning,”hegreetsmebeforebendinghisheadandpeckingmylips.HewalksintothehouseasIclosethedoorsoftly.
Lookingdownatmytinglynipples,Iscoldthemsoftly,“Traitors,”beforefollowinghimdownthehallway.
“Seriously,”Isaytohisback,“youcan’tjustshowuphere.”
Hegrabsoneofthewhitecupsofcoffee,turningandhandingittome.“IfIwouldhavecalledyouandaskedyoutohavebreakfast,wouldyouhavesaidyes?”
“No,”Ireply,crossingmyarmsovermychestinprotest.
“Exactly,soIimprovised.”HeholdsthecupupevenhighersoIcantakeitfromhim.
“Perhapsyoushouldn’t,”IretortbetweenclenchedteethasIgrabthewhitecupfromhim.
“Igotaneverythingbagelwitheggandsausageorsesameseedwitheggandbacon,”hestates,openingthebag.
“Youcantakeboththoseandeattheminyourcar.”Ipointoveratthedoor,buthejustlaughsashetakesbothsandwichesoutofthebagandopensthemonthecounter.
“Wecaneachhaveboth.”
“Idon’twanttohavebreakfastwithyou,Matthew,”Itellhimpoint-blank.Yeah,shedoesn’twanttohavebreakfastwithyoubecauseshewantsyoutoeathervaginaforbreakfast,myheadscreams.I’msoafraidI’vesaidthosewordsoutloud,Iholdmylipstogethertightly.
“It’sjustbreakfast.”Matthewpullsoutastoolformeandthenanotheroneforhimselfashesitsonit.
“Youaren’tgoingtoleave,areyou?”Iaskthequestionasmyfeetmovetowardthestool,andIgetonit.
“Notuntilyoueat,andwehaveatalk,”hesays,pushingthefoodtowardme.
“Idon’tthinkthereisanythinglefttotalkabout,”Isay,pickinguponehalfofabagelandtakingabite.
“Weneedtotalkaboutlastnight,”hecounters,takingabiteofhisownsandwich.
“Whichpartshouldwediscuss?”Iask.“Shouldwediscussthatyounevertoldyourfiancéeaboutme,ormaybeweshoulddiscussthefactyoukissedmewithouteventhinkingtwice.”
“IfyouwantmetotellHelenaaboutyou,Iwill,andthatkisswasgood.”Hetakesabite.“Greateven.”Hechews.“It’sthebestkisswe’veeverhad.”
Ishakemyhead.“Unbelievable,”Imumblebeforemymouthagreesthatthekisswasthebestwe’veeverhad.
“WhenIsawyouforthefirsttimeagain,”hestarts,“itfeltlikeaboxIlockedtwoyearsagowassuddenlyopened,andIsawthelightagain.”
“HoldonwhileIgogettheviolinandyousingmeasadsong,”Imockhim.“Youwerefuckingengagedtoanotherwoman.”Myangernowcomesout.“Youliterallyaskedanotherwomantospendtherestofherlifewithyou.”
“No,Ididn’t.”HeshakeshisheadandallIcandoisgaspathim.
“Imetyourfiancée!”Ishout,pushingawayfromtheisland.“Literally,Iwasplanningyourwedding.”
“ButIneveraskedhertomarryme.”Istareathim,notsurewhatthehellheissayingtome.“Itwasjustlikeshesaidweshouldgetmarried,andIwaslike,yeahokay.Thenwewereengaged.”Mymouthhangsopen.“Itwasjustsortofthenextstep.”Heshrugshisshoulders.“Truthbetold,weshouldhavemovedinwitheachotherfirst.”
“Youweren’tlivingwithher?”Iask,myheadspinningwiththisinformation.
“Nope.Shesometimesstayedover,butnotreally,”heexplainsandIdon’tknowwhattosay.Theminutewebecameacouple,wespentalmosteverynighttogether,ifIdidn’tgotohim,hewouldcometome.Icancountononehandthenightswedidn’tspendtogether.“Ithoughtitwasthelogicalnextstep,butIquicklysawthatitwasamistake.I’msorryIhurther.”Helooksupatmenow.“I’llbeforeversorryforthat,butIcan’thateittoomuchbecauseitbroughtyoubackintomylife.”Hetapshisfingersonthecounternervously.“TheminuteIsawyou,Iknewitwaswrong.”
“Whatifyouhadn’tseenme?”Iask,myvoicenomorethanawhisper.“Ifyouneversawmeagain,youwouldhavemarriedher.”
“Idon’tthinkso,”hesaysasifnothinghappened.“Somethingfeltofffromthebeginning,butitreallycametolightwhenIsawyou.”
“Thisisnothappeningrightnow.”Iputmyhandonmyforehead,tryingtoseeifIhaveafeverandamdelirious.
“Myfamilyiscomingdownthisweekendtoattendthegame,andI’dlikeyoutocomealso,”heinformsmeasifhedidn’tjustdropabombinmylap.
“Absolutelynot.Areyououtofyourmind?”Idon’tknowifI’maskinghimortellinghim.
“Couldbe,”heconcedes,smilingatmeashegetsup.“Eitherway,Iwantyoutocomethisweekend.”
“Ihavetogetreadyforwork,”ItellhimbecauseIcan’tthinkofanythingelsetosay.Myheartisspeedingsofastinmychestthatit’sallIhearinmyears.
Hecomesovertomeandlooksinmyeyeswhilehepushesawaythehairfrommyface.“Youarebeautiful,”hesayssoftlybeforehebendshisheadandkissesmeuntilIhavetroublerememberingwhatwewerejusttalkingabout.“I’llcallyoulater.”Herubshisnosewithminebeforewalkingoutandclosingthedoorbehindhim.
Justlikethat,he’sgoneasifIdreamedthewholething.Iblinkmyeyesacoupleoftimes,andI’mabouttopinchmyself.“Didthisjusthappen?”matthew
“WeleaveSundaymorninguntilWednesday,”Ihearsomeonesayfromtheothersideoftheroom.
Everyonegroans,includingme.“Back-to-backgamesinPhiladelphiaandthenPittsburgh.”
“Packyourhatsandcoats,people.”Iturntoseethepublicrelationsguysay,“Theygotsnowtwodaysago.”
“Snowisn’tthatbad,”Istate,gettingupandslippingonmysweaterwiththeteamlogointhemiddleandmynumberforty-fiveonthecornerofitinsmallnumbers.“Ifit’ssnowing,itmeansit’snotbelowzerooutside.”
“Goodpoint,”Brocksaysfromhissideofthebench.“RememberlastyearwhenwewenttoWinnipeg,mynostrilsfrozewalkingofftheplane.”
Ilaughattheguystellingstoriesofwhenitwasthecoldest,grabbingmyphoneandkeys.“Seeyoutomorrow,boys,”Isay,walkingouttowardmycar.Pushingthesteeldooropen,Istepintotheundergroundparkinglot.
Lookingdownatmyphone,IpulluphernameandsmilewhenIpressthecallbutton.Iunlockmycardoorasitstartsthesecondring.“Ugh,hello,”shesays,huffing.
“Goodafternoon,”Igreet,myvoicechipper.
“Whatdoyouwant,Matthew?”shereturns,andIcanjustimaginethescowlonherface.
“Doyouwanttohavedinnerwithme?”Iask,knowingfullwellwhatheranswerisgoingtobe.
“No,”shedeclares,notsurprisingme.
Irollmylipstostopmyselffromburstingoutlaughing.“Okay.”
“Goodbye.”Shedisconnectsandmychestfillswiththisfeelingoffullness.
IpulloutoftheparkinggarageandthenextpersonIcallismyfather,whoanswersafterthefirstring.“Hey,”hegreets.
“Hey,”Ireply,pullingoutandgoingtowardmyhouse.“What’sup?”
“Notmuch,justgoingtogoandaskyourmotherwhatshewantstoeatfordinner,”hesays.“Whataboutyou?Whatareyouupto?”
“Notmuch.Goingtogohome,grabdinner,andheadtoseeSofia,”Ishare,waitingforhimtosaysomething.
“Soyouspokewithher?”heaskssoftly.
“Idid,”Iconfirm,takingadeepinhaleandthenlettingitout.“IthinkitwasthehardestconversationI’veeverhad.”
“Didyoutwocleartheair?”Ithinkabouthowtoanswerthisquestionbecauseit’snotsocutanddry.
“WhenshetoldmeIbrokeherfuckingheart.”Icanhearhervoiceinmyhead.“Ihatedmyself.”Iswallowthelump.“IwastheonewhowassupposedtoprotectherandIamtheonewhocausedherpain.”
“Haveyousaidthattoher?”Myfatherisnevergoingtojudgeyou.Notonce.He’sgoingtositdownandtalkthingsout.Idon’tanswerhimbeforehesays,“Communicationiskey,Matthew.”Ipullintothedrivewayofmyhouse,leaningmyheadbackagainsttheheadrest.“Ifyoudon’ttellherhowyoufeel,she’llneverknow.”
“You’reright,”Itellhim,rubbingmyhandsovermyface.“Ihavetotellhereverythingandnotholdback.”
“Youalsohavetoprepareyourselfforthefactthatshemayhavemovedon,”hewarnsme,andjustthethoughtshattersme.Atjustthatthought,myheartwhichfeltsofullbeforenowfeelslikesomeonehasreachedintomychestandrippeditout.“It’snotaneasythingtodo,trustme,Iknow.”Hebreathesoutheavily.“WhenIcouldn’tgotoyourmomandIhadtowaitouttheyear,itwasthelongesttimeofmylife.Knowingshecouldmoveonatanysecondmotivatesmetobethemanshedeserves.Andnowlookatus,”hesays,andIcanpicturethesmileformingonhisface.
“Didn’tshethreatentocutoffyourjunklastweek?”Ichuckle.
“Whichmeansshelovesmesomethingfierce.”Helaughsalso.“Don’twasteanymoretime,Matthew.”
“Iwon’t,”Iassurehim.“Can’twaittoseeyouthisweekend.”
“Same,”hesays,“nowI’mgoingtogoandwineanddinemywoman.”
“Neversaythattomeagain.”Iclosemyeyes.“NowI’mgoingtoimagineyoutwohavingsexinthekitchen.”
Helaughs.“Wouldn’tbethefirsttime.”
“Toomuch,Dad,”Itellhim.“Iloveyou,goodbye.”Ihanguptothesoundofhimlaughinghisheadoff.
Gettingoutofmycar,Ijogupthestepstomyhouse,openingthedoorandkickingoffmyshoesbeforewalkingstraighttothestairs.Itakeoffthesweaterandpantsrightbesidetheunmadebedandslipintoit.IpressthebuttontoclosetheblackoutcurtainsatthesametimeIputaone-hourtimeronmyphone.Iputmyheaddownonthepillow,closingmyeyes,andtheonlythingIcanthinkofisSofia.
Idon’tevenknowifInapduringthehour,allIknowisthealarmringsandIreachoverandgrabit,turningitoff.IturnonmybackandopenmyInstagram,whereIpullupSofia’sname.Itsaysthisaccountisprivateandit’sgivingmethebluebuttonoptiontofollowher,again.Ipressfollow,anditletsmeknowthatit’sbeenrequested.
Ishakemyhead,bringingupmycalllogagainandpressingthephonelogorightnexttohername.Itringsthreetimesbeforeshefinallyanswersit,andtruthbetold,Ithoughtshewouldn’t.“Hello,”sheanswers.
“Whereareyou?”IaskasIthrowthecoversoffme,pressingthebuttonfortheshadessosomelightcomesin.
“Onmyspaceshipheadedtothemoon.”Sheshocksthefuckoutofme,andallIcandoisthrowmyheadbackandlaugh.
“Fuck,you’refunny.”Igetup,holdingthephonetomyearwithmyshoulderasIgetdressed.
“Doyouwanttocometomyhousefordinner?”Iask,eventhoughit’sawastedquestion.
“No.”Shedoesn’tevenskipabeatwiththatanswer.
“Shocker.”Ilaugh.“Okay,I’llcometoyou.”
“Ugh,why?”shequestions.“Thereisnoreasonforustohaveanothermealtogether.”
“Weneedtotalk,”Itellher,thinkingaboutwhatmyfathersaid.
“Wealreadydid,”shesays,hervoicegoingsoft.“Wespoketwiceorwasitthreetimes?Eitherway,wesaidwhatwehadtosay.”
“Ithoughtofotherthingstosay,”Iinformher.“Areyouatwork?Doyouwantmetoswingbythereandpickyouup?”
“IfIwasatwork,”shestarts,andIputthesweaterovermyhead,“howwouldIgettoworktomorrowifyoupickedmeup?”
Iwalkdownthestairsandchuckle.“I’ddriveyoutowork,”Istateasshegroans.“Eitherway,Igettoseeyouagain.”
“Matthew,”shegrumblesinfrustration.
“Sofia,”Icounter,myvoicegoingsoft,“onemoredinner.”
“Whydon’tIbelieveyou?”shehuffs.
“WhydoyoukeepdenyingmyfollowrequestonInstagram?”IaskasIgrabmykeysandheadoutthedoor.
“Becausethereisn’tareasontoacceptit.It’sformyreally,reallyclosefriends.”
“Howclosedowehavetobe?”Iask,gettinginmycar.
“Youhavetoknowcertainthingsaboutme,”shechallenges.
“Go,”Itellher.
“Favoritecolor.”
“Blue,butnotalightbluelikethesky,adarkerbluelikenavybutnotsodarkthatitlookslikeblack.”Ismilewhenshedoesn’ttellmeI’mwrong.“Next?”
“Favoritefood?”sheasks,nottellingmemyanswerwaswrong.
“Depends,”Itellher.“Onalazydayyoulikeprettymuchanythingyourgrandmothercooks.Onaquietdatenight,youlikeeithersteakorsalmon,youcandoeither,sometimesboth.Whenyouareoutdrinking,definitelyacheeseburgerwithbacon,loaded.Thegreasierthebetter.Youlikefries,yourfavoritekindarecrinklecut,withketchup.”
“You’reannoying,”shesays,andIcan’thelpbutlaugh.
“Favoritepersoninthewholeworld?”shesays,thinkingshecantrickme
“Ifitisn’tyourhorse,”Istart,“ithastobeeitherGrandpaBillyorGrandmaCharlotte.”
“Goodbye,”shesaysandhangsupassoonasIpulluptoherhouseandseehercaristhere.
Ijogupthestepsandringthebell,hearingherwalkingtowardthedoor.“Thepersonyouaretryingtoreachisnotathome,”sheannouncesbehindthecloseddoor.“Pleasegoaway.”
Iknockonthedoor.“IhavetoanswermorequestionstomakesureyouacceptmyfollowrequestonInstagram.”
“IfIacceptyou,willyouleave?”sheasks,andIputmyhandsonthedoorframeleaningin.
“Whatfunwouldthatbe?”IprodwhenIhearthelockturnandthedooropens.Shestandsinloose-fittingpantswithamatchinglong-sleevedsweaterthatfallsoffhershoulder,whichisbareandbegstobekissed.“Hi,”Igreet,movinginbeforesheslamsthedoorinmyface.
Sheclosesthedoorbehindme,andIturntofaceher.Herbackistothedoor,herhairlooselikeIloveit.“Fuck,you’rebeautiful,”IstaterightbeforeItakeherfaceinmyhandsandthenrunmyhandsintoherhair.Mylipslowerontohers,mycockgettinghardthesecondhertonguetouchesmine.I’mlying.Mycockwashardtheminutesheopenedthedoor.
“Youcan’tdothat,”shesayswhenIletherlipsgo,hervoiceinawhisperassheslowlyopensherlips.
“Dowhat?”IaskasIpushmyselfevenmoreintoher.Irubmynosewithhersandbendtokissheragain.
“Saythingslikethat,”sheexplains.“TellmeI’mbeautiful.Kissmewhenyouwant.Friendsdon’ttalkanddothingslikethat.”
“I’mnotyourfriend,”Iassureherrightbeforemylipsclaimhersagain.Thistimeshearchesherbackintomeasherhandsgoaroundmyneckandintomyhair.Myhandsslideoutofherhair,andonewrapsaroundherwaistasIpushherintothedoor.Webothgroanwhenshemustfeelmycock.Iliftherbythewaistandshewrapsherlegsaroundmyhips.
“Sofia,”Iwhisperhername,“Ididn’tcomehereforthis.”Ibiteherlowerlip.
“Thenwhatdidyoucomeherefor?”sheasks,andIseehereyeshavegottenatouchdarker.
“Icamejusttobewithyou,”Itellherthetruth.“IcamebecauseIcan’tstayawayfromyou.”Iattackherneck,suckingin.“IcamebecauseallIwanttodoisbewithyou.I’lltakeanythingyouhavetothrowatme,justsoyouknow.I’mnotgoinganywhere,Sofia.”
MylipscrashtohersasIturnandwalkupthestairs.Idon’tknowwhatisgoingtohappen,butwhateveritis,Iwantherlyingdown,andIwanttobeabletoseeeverything.Imakemywaydownthehalltotheonlyopendoor,steppinginandseeingit’sdefinitelyherbedroom.Herbedismade,ofcourse,herthrowpillowsatthetopofthebed.Thelittleloveseatsitsinfrontofthebed.
“Bedorcouch?”Iask,takingmylipsawayfromhersassheslidesoffmeandstandsinfrontofme.
“Idon’tcare,”shesays,puttingherhandsonherhipsandgettinguponhertippy-toestokissundermychinbeforesheslidesherhandsundermyshirt.Mybodyshiversunderhertouchatthesametimemybodybecomesmorealivethanithasinyears.It’sasifmybodywasasleepandonetouchfromheranditwasonagain.
“Kissme,”shewhispers,andIdoexactlythat.Mylipsmeethers,mytongueslideswithhersatthesametimesheisfistingmyshirt,movingthematerialupmychest.Thekissstartsoffslow,butitendswithusfightingeachothertogetthekissdeeper.Sheletsgoofmylipstopulltheshirtovermyhead.“Oneforone,”shehissesasmyhandfliestothehemofhershirt,rippingitoverherheadandseeingherstandingtherewithnothingfuckingon.Herperfecttitsjustopentome,hernipplesperkyandbeggingtobesucked,bitten,andpulled.
“Fuck,”istheonlythingIcansayasmyhandscomeupontheirownandpalmoneineachhand.MyheadgoesdownasItakeoneinmymouth,bitingdownrightbeforeIsuckitbetweenmylips.Sofiahisses,andwhenIlookup,hereyesareclosed.Imovefromonenippletothenextdoingthesamething.
Herhandcomesuptomyhead,herfingerpushingthecaptothefloorwheremyshirtisandsoishers.Itrailmytonguefromhernippletothemiddleofherchestanddownherstomach,bendingontomykneesinfrontofher.Kissingherstomach,myhandsareonherhips,andinonefluidmotion,herpantsarearoundherankles.
ShestandsthereinthetiniestpairofpantiesI’veeverseeninmylife.Thewhitelaceshowseverythingtome,includingthelittlelandingstripshealwayshas.Myhandssqueezeherhipstight,makingsureshedoesn’tgoanywhere.“Areyouwetforme?”Iask,myeyesonherlandingstrip.Myhandspullhertomeasmynoserubsagainstherclit.“Iwanttosavorthis.”Myvoiceisclearandtight,mycockstrainingtogetoutandinher.“But,fuck.”Mytonguecomesouttolickherthroughherpanties,thesoundofusbothmoaningfillstheroom.
“More,”shepleads,herheadfallingdownasshewatchesmemovemyhandfromherhiptothesideofherpanties,pushingthemaside.Herbreathhitchesrightbeforemytonguelicksbetweenherfolds.“Yes,”shehisses,rightaftermytongueturnsaroundherclitincircles,roundandround,rightbeforesuckingitin.Herlegsopenjustatouchmore,givingmemoreaccess.“More,”shebegsandthehandholdingherpantytothesideisnowopeningherfoldsupsoIcanslidetwofingersintoher.
“Yes,”shehissesagainasmyfingersmoveinandoutofher,herhipsmeetingmehalfway.Herpussysqueezesmyfingers,andfuckifitisn’theaven.“Ineedmore,”shesaysandIknowwhatsheneeds.SofiaandIdidalotofthingsreally,reallywell,butwhatwedidexceptionallywellwasnotbeshywhenitcametothebedroom.
IfIwantedhertosuckmycock,allIhadtodowasask.Ifshewantedithardandfast,allshehadtodowasask.Wedatedfortwoyears,andafteroneweek,Islidintoher;fromthatdayweusedtohavesextwiceaday,sometimesmore.Ikneweverysingleinchofherbody.Ikneweverysinglefreckleshehad.Iknewwhateverysingletouchmeantandnowwasnodifferent.Shewantedithardandshewanteditfast,andIwasgoingtogiveherwhatshewanted
Igetupoffmykneesandwrapmyarmaroundherwaist,pickingherup.
“Howdoyouwantit?”Iask,lookingdownatherasshesmilesatme.
“Hardandfast,”shesays,andIlaugh.
“Youweregettingithardandfasttobeginwith,”Itellher,mymouthdevouringhersasshewrapsherlegsaroundme,tryingtogetevenclosertome.Ourmouthsareinafrenzytogetdeeperintothekiss.Iputmykneeonthebedandsetherdown,fallingontopofher,myhandsbyherheadholdingmeupbymyelbows.Herlegsarestillwrappedaroundmyhips,butherhandsarenowgoingtomypants.Shepushesthemovermyhips,mycockspringingfree.HerhandsgripthebaseofmycockandImoanbuthermouthswallowsthesound.ShemovesherhandupanddownmyshaftbeforeIbreakthekiss.“Atthispoint,it’sgoingtobereallyfast,”Iwarnher,butinsteadoflisteningtome,shejustattacksmymouth.
“Lesstalking.”Shemovesawayfrommymouth,nippingatmyjaw.“More.”Shemovesherpantiestotheside,rubbingmycockupanddownherslit.“Afteryoufuckme,I’mgoingtocleanyouup.”Sheplacesmycockatherentrance.“Butonlyifyoufuckmelikeyoumeanit.”
“Challengeaccepted,”Itellher,slammingintoherinonefuckingmove,myballsslappingagainstherass.Mypantsareinthemiddleofmythighs,butIdon’tgiveashit.Ihaveonegoalandonegoalonly,tofuckmygirlhardandfast.Ipulloutuntilthetipandthenslambackintoher.Herbackarchesoffthebedassheslidesherhandbetweenus.“Legs,”Idemandofherandsheliftsherlegstodrapeovermyshoulders.Ipressintoherharderthanbefore,thesoundofskinslappingfillstheroom,alongwithhermoaneverysingletimemyballsslapagainstherass.
“Rightthere,”shemoans.
“Eyes,”Itellher,andsheopenshereyestolookatme,“watchmefuckyou.”Shelooksdownbetweenus,mycockhammeringintoherwhileherfingerstrumsherclitfasterandfaster.Icanfeelthatshe’salmostthere.IbitebackmyownorgasmasherpussygripsmesotightIdon’tthinkIwillbeabletopullout,butIdo.Sheisfuckingsoakingmycock,drippingdownmyballs.HereyescloseasIpoundintoherfasterandfaster.MythrustsbecomeshorterandshorteruntilIpulloutandplantmycockallthewayinher.
“I’mclose,”Ideclare,pullingoutthistimeslowlyasshecomesdownfromherorgasm.“Wheredoyouwantit?”
“Wheredoyouwanttoputit?”sheasks,herhipsliftingtomatchmythrusts.“Mymouth?”sheasks.“Mytits?”Sherollshernipplesforme.“Orinsideme?”
Fuck,allthreeendwithmewinning.“Mymouth,”shefinallydecides,“tocleanyouup.”Islamintoheronemoretime,thenpullout.Shesitsonherass,hermouthswallowingmycock.Herlegsspreadtothesideofme,leavingheropen.
Herhandgripsmycock,movingupanddown.Myarmleansdownandslidestwofingersintoher.“Gonnafuckyouwithmyfingers,”Itellherasshecleansherselfoffme,“thesametimeyousuckmycockandwebothcome.”Hereyeslookatmewhileshejerksmeofffasterandfaster.Myfingersarefuckingherjustasfast.“Takeit,”Itellherassheswallowsmetothebackofherthroat.“I’mthere.”Iknowshe’sgoingtoswallowwhateverIgiveherbutgivingherthechoice.“Comeonmyfingers,”Iinstructherandshemovesherhipsuptomeetmyfingers,hermoanvibratingonmycockasIcomedownherthroat.IcomelikeI’venevercomebeforeinmylife.ShefuckingswallowseverysinglelastdropandgroanswhenIslidemyfingersoutofher.
“Nowthat,”IobserveasIholdherfaceinmyhands,“washardandfast.”Ikissherlipsandshesmirksatme.
“Idon’tknowaboutyou.”Shelicksmylowerlipbackandforth.“ButIthinkwecandoitharder.”Herhandworksmysofteningcock.“Iwantyounaked.”Shelicksthetipofmycock,whileonehandtriestopushthepantsloweronmylegs.
“I’lltakeoffmypantswhenyouletmycockgo,”Itellher,andshelooksupatmeandpouts.“Afterthat,I’mgoingtoliedowninthemiddleofyourbed.You’regoingtoworkmycock,”Iinformher,gettingoffthebedandkickingmypantsawayfromme.“Andwhileyoudothat,youaregoingtoslidethatsweet-asspussyonmyface.”Sheclosesherlegsatherknees.“Pantiesoff,”Iorderher,lyingdownonthebed,“andgetuphereandsitonmyface.”sofia
Thealarmbellsstarttoringsoftlyatfirst.Itrytoopenmyeyesbuttheyfeelsoheavy.I’mabouttoreachouttoshutitoffwhenIfeelthisaddedwarmthonme.OrmaybeitwasthereallalongbutI’mjustfeelingitnow.Mybreastisheldinahandwhilehisfrontispressedtome.“Ifyoukeepwigglingthatass,”hemumblesfrombehindme,“wearegoingtogetstartedonroundfive.”Myeyesflyopenanditallcomesbacktome.Matthewshowingup,meattackinghim.Havingsexinmybed.Havingsexintheshower.Havingsexonmykitchencounter.Thenagainhavingsexrightbeforewefinallyfellasleep.HavingwhatIthoughtwasthebestsexofmylifeandthenhavingitagainonlytothinkthatwasbetter.“Sofia,”hesaysmyname,hisfaceburiedinmyneckashestartsgivingmesoftkisses,“youneedtoturnoffthealarm.”
“Ican’tmove,”Itellhimashisholdonmegetstighter.
“Igotit,”hesays,notreleasinghishandonmybreastbutinsteadreachingovermewithhiswholebody,turningitoff.
“It’snotevensixo’clock,”hesays,lyingbackdownbehindme.
“Um,”Istarttosayastherealityofeverythingthathappenedsinksin.“Matthew.”Iclosemyeyes,takingintheheatthatisseepingintomefromhim.
“No,”hescoldssoftly,hisfaceburiedbackinmyneck,“don’tyoueventhinkaboutit.”
“Thinkaboutwhat?”Iask.
“Whateveritisyouaregoingtosay,”hesays,hisbreathticklingmyneck.“Don’tthinkaboutit.”
Thispissesmeoff,soIturninhisarms,shockinghimenoughthatheletsgoofmybreast.“Oh,face-to-face.”Hesmilesatme,pullingmeintohim.Hisarmswraparoundmebutthenheslidesonehandtomyasswherehesqueezesbeforehitchingmylegaroundhiship.“That’sbetter,”hestates,hiscockatmyentrance.“Hmm,”hehums,rightbeforeheslidesintome.Mypussyisstillabitsorefromlastnight,butIcan’thelpbutmoan.“Madeforme,”hevoicesasheslowlyfucksme,“youcan’tdenyit.”Myheaddoesn’tlistentoanythingthatI’mscreamingout,becausemybackarchestogetevenclosertohim.“That’sit,baby.”Histhrustsgofaster.“Sayit.”Heflipsmetomybackandmylegsopenevenwiderforhim.Heputshishandstothesidesofme,gettingupandthrustingintomeharderthanbefore.“Sayit.”
Ican’tevencontrolmyself,mybodywantingallofhim.“Shutupandjustmakemecome.”
Hechucklesandgetstodoingjustthat.“Wheredoyouwantit?”heasks,andIthinkaboutitforasecond.
“Idon’tcare,”Itellhimandhegroans,thrustingonemoretimebeforeslidingoutofme.Now,I’mtheonewhogroans,andhejustslamsintomeonemoretimebeforeIcomeagainandsodoeshe.
Herollstotheside,takingmewithhim.“Morning.”
“Ihavetogetup,”Iinformhim,nottrustingmyselfnottosaysomethingstupid.Likedoyouwanttostayhomealldayandhavemoresex?Orbetteryet,doyouwanttodothisagaintonight?
Iturnawayfromhim,slidingoutofbed.“I’llgomakeyoucoffee.”Hegetsoutofbedandmymouthwaters.Matthewtwoyearsagowasintopshapeandperfect.Hehadtheperfectabs,theperfectass,andlet’snotevendiscussthewayhispackagewaseverythingawomancoulddreamof.Butnow,hisshouldersareabitbigger,hisabsaremoredefined,hislegsthick,andhiscocklooksevenbetterthanhedidbefore.“Youkeeplookingatmelikethat.”Hewalkstome,mycoregettingwet.“Wewon’tleavethisroom.”
“I’mjust…”Iblinktomakemyselfstopdroolingoverhim.“Iwasjust…”Iturnandwalktothebathroom,hopingheisn’tgoingtofollowme,butIcanseehiminthemirrorasIwalkovertotheshower,openingtheglassdoor,andturningtheblackknobs.“Weshouldn’thavedonethat.”IfoldmyarmsovermychestandIreallywishweweredressedandnotdoingthisnaked.“Wedidnotjustdothis.”
“Butwedid,”heremindsme,smirkingatme.“Weevendiditinthisroom.”
“Wecan’tdothisanymore.”Iswallowthelumpinmythroat.
“Whynot?”heasks,andIthrowmyhandsupintheair.
“I’mdatingsomeone,”Ilietohim.Imean,technically,CharlesandIarekindofdating.EventhoughItoldhimIwasn’treadytodateanyonenow.
“Yeah,youare,”heproclaims.“Me.”Hepointsathimself,andIrollmyeyes.
“Notjustyou,”Itellhim,hopinghegetspissedenoughthathewillstormoutbutinsteadhelaughsevenlouder.
“No,youaren’t.”Heshakeshishead,notoneounceofjealousyinhiswords,whichannoysme.
“Howdoyouknow?”Iask,cockingmyhiptotheside.Ilookatmyselfinthemirrorandseehegavemeahickeyrightnexttomyhipbone,andanotheronerightontopofmypelvis.
“Becauseifyouwere.”HecomesovertomeandIwanttotakeastepback,butmybodyisahussyandinsteadIputmyshoulderback,puttingmytitsouttheremoreforhim.Heputshishandsonmyhips.“Youwouldn’thavekissedme,letalonesleptwithme.”Hebendsandtakesoneofthenipplesintohismouth.
“Youwereliterallyengagedtwoweeksago,”Iremindhim,lookingathimandallhedoesisshrug,likeitwasn’tabigdeal.
“ButI’mnotnow,”heconfirms,kissingmycollarbone.
“But…”Ipushhimawayfrommebecauseifhe’stouchingme,everythinginmyheadgoesblurry.“But—”
Hewalksbacktome,grabbingmyfaceinhishands.“Sofia,”hesaysmyname,“whenitcomestomeandyou.”Histhumbsrubmycheeks.“Thereisnothingthatcancomparetoit.”Ilookintohiseyes.“WhatIhadwithHelenawasnothing,andIsaythiswiththemostrespectthatIcan,itwasnothinglikewhatwehad.Whatwehave,it’ssomethingIcan’tevenexplain.”Istarttosaysomethingbuthekissesmylipstostopme.“Stopfightingthis,Sofia,andlistentomywords.WhatIgavetoyou,Inevergavetoanyoneelse.IthoughtIlovedher,thoughtitwasit,butIwaswrongandthatisonme.Whateverthereason,Iwasmeanttoalwaysbewithyou.Youwerealwaysmine.”Hekissesmesoftly.“Now,doyouwantmetomakeyoubreakfast?”
“No,”Isnapout.
“Okay,good,”hesayssoftly,“I’llgogetsomethingstarted.”Heturnstowalkoutofthebathroom.“Doyouwantmetobringthefoodtoyourbed?”
“No,”Ireply,avoidingevenlookingathimasIgetintheshower.Puttingmyheadback,Iletthewarmwaterwashoverme.“Youdonefuckedup,”ImumbletomyselfasIwashawaythesmellofsexoffme.“Youjusthadtojumphisbones.”
Irinseoff,gettingoutoftheshower,andgrabbingarobe.InsteadofgoingdownstairslikeIwantto,Istayinthebathroom,puttingonmymakeupanddoingmyhair.
“You’reavoidingme.”IhearMatthewfromthedoorofthebathroom.Ilookoverandseethathe’sdressedintheoutfitheworelastnight.Heholdsamugofcoffeeinonehand.“FiguredthatIwouldbringyouyourcoffeeinsteadoflettingitgetcold.”Hehandsmethecoffee.
“Thankyou,”Itellhimsoftly,grabbingthecup.Heholdsthecupwithme.
“I’mgoingtogo,”hesays,andmystomachsinks,notwantinghimtogobutknowingthatit’sforthebest.Heleansin,andIlethimkissme,thekisslingering.“I’llcallyoulater.”
“Okay,”Ireplysoftly,mylipsstilltinglingfromhiskiss.
“Yougoingtoanswermycall?”heaskswithasmirk.
“No.”Ichuckleandhebendstogivemeonemorekissbeforeheleaves.
“Later,Sofia!”heyellsrightbeforehewalksoutofthehouse,closingthedoorbehindhim.Iavoidlookingatmyselfinthemirror,insteadgoingintotheclosetandgrabbingapairofnavypants.SlidingthemovermyhipsandtyingthembeforeIwalkovertopickasheerwhiteshirtwithachampagnesilkcamisoleunderit,twolongsashesatthecollartieinalooseknot.Islipintonudeshoesbeforewalkingoutofthehouseanddrivingtowork.
Ijogupthefrontstepsoftheoffice,pullingopenthedoorbeforeputtingmysunglassesonthetopofmyhead.“Morning,”Icallfromthefrontdoor.ClarabellaandPresleywalkoutofthekitchenwithcoffeesintheirhands.“Hey,”IsaytothemasIstarttowalkdowntomyoffice,passingShelby’soffice.ShelooksupasIsmileandwave,seeingClarabellaandPresleybehindme.
Iwalkintomyoffice,tossingmybagonthechair.“Yougotlaid.”IlookovermyshouldertoseeClarabellalookingatmewithatwinkleinhereyes.
“What?”Ichoke,shocked,myheartspeedingupasItrytoplaydumb.“No.”IavoidlookingatherasIwalkbehindmydesk.“Howcanyoutell?”
“Youliterallycameinhereskipping,”Presleynotes,rollingherlipsandbringinghercuptohermouth.
Igaspoutinshock.“No,Iwasn’t!”Ishakemyheadatthesametime.
“Wasittheguyfromtheapp?”ShelbypushesintomyofficeandIjustlookatthem,notsayingaword.
“OhmyGod,whowasit?”Presleyasks.
“Youmightaswelljusttelluswhoitwassowecangetonwiththisday,”Shelbystates.“Oncethisonegetsasniffatsomething,shedoesn’tletup.”ShemotionswithherheadtowardClarabella.
Isitdowninthechairbehindmydesk,puttingmyhandontopofitandfoldingmyhandstogether.“Fine,”Icomeclean,“Matthew.”
Hisnameisnotevenfullyoutofmymouthbeforethequestionsstartcominginrapidfire.
“Shutyourmouth,”Presleyblurts,hermouthopen.
“Youdidnot,”Shelbysays,hereyeslookingatmeliketheywillcomeoutofhersockets.
“Howgoodwasit?”Clarabellaasksasshepullsthechairfrominfrontofmydesktotheside,sitting.
“Itwasfine,”Idownplayit,notwantingtodothisbutknowingI’veletthecatoutofthebag.
“Itwasfine?”Clarabellasays,shocked.“Thenyouaren’tdoingitright.Jesus,IrememberthesecondtimeIhookedupwithLuke,itwasevenbetterthanthefirst,andthatwasexplosive.”
“Ugh,”Isay,throwingupmyhands.“Fine,itwasamazing.Itwassomuchbetterthanitwasthelasttime.Idon’tknowwhatitwas,butitwaslikeIwaslookingforhimsinceleavinghim.”Ilookatthem.“Doesthatevenmakesense?”
“Youhadsexwithpeopleafterhim?”Presleyasks,andIscoff.
“Well,obviously,Ihadtogethimoutofmysystem.”Mylegsstarttogoupanddown.“ButIthinkitwasafterthesecondguythatIwaslike,maybeIneedtoconnectwithsomeonebeforebangingthem.”
“Howdidthatworkoutforyou?”Presleyasks,andIglareather.
“IjustbangedaguywhoIsaidIwouldnevertalktoagain,andIthinkIsawfireworks.”Ileanbackinthechair.“Itwasafifteenoutoften.”
“Sonowwhat?”ShelbyasksthesamequestionIwasaskingmyselfthewholetimesinceIwokeup.
“Now,nothing.Now,hopefully,thisisoutofoursystemandwemoveon,”Ideclareandthethreeofthemlaugh.
“I’mputtingdownbetsthatheshowsupagain,”Clarabellaannounces,gettingup,“andthesexisevenbetterthanitwaslastnightandthismorning.”
“Howdidyouknowtheyhadsexthismorning?”Presleyasksasshegetsup
“Whodoesn’tgetupandhavemorningsex?”Clarabellascoffsatthem,andnowit’smyturntorollmylipswhentheyjustavoidlookingather.
“Yougirlsneedtotakecareofyourmenmore.”Sheshakesherhead.“Mymanskipstoworkeverysingleday.”
“Everyday?”Shelbysays,foldingherarmsoverherchest.
“Ifit’snotsex,atleastablowjob,”Clarabelladeclares.
“LukeisnotallowedtotalktoBennett,ever,”Presleysaysasthetwoofthemwalkoutoftheoffice,arguingaboutwhatisagoodnumberoftimestohavesexinaweek.
Idon’tevenlistentothem.Instead,Iglanceoveratthewindow,lookingoutatthesuninthesky,whenmyphonebeepsfrommypurse.Igetupandwalkovertotakeitout.
Matthew:I’llseeyoutonight.
Iputthephonedown,notbotheringtoanswerhim.“No,youwon’t,”Isayoutloudatthesametimethatmyheadcallsmealiar.matthew
Iwalkoutofpracticewithmyphoneinonehandandmyproteinshakeintheother,shakingitupanddown.Ipullopenmytextmessages.ThelasttextIsentSofiaisstillunansweredbutsaysdelivered.Ismile,knowingthiswaswhatshewasgoingtodo.Idon’tevenknowwhyI’msosurprisedrightnow.
Iknewthismorningwhenshedidn’tcomedownstairstogethercoffeethatshewasputtingspacebetweenus.IknewwhenIkissedhergoodbyethatshewouldnotanswerme.Lastnightwasoneofthegreatestnightsofmylife.Fuck,beingwithheragain.ItwasasifmysoulwasclosedoffforthelasttwoyearsandIwasfinallyalive.Whichiscrazy,butInowseeIwasjustgoingthroughthemotionsofwhatIthoughtmylifeshouldbeinsteadofactuallylivingmylife.
Insteadoftextingheragain,Iopttocallher.Thephoneringsfourtimesbeforeitheadstovoicemail.
“You’vereachedSofiaBarnes.Pleaseleavemeamessage,andI’llgetbacktoyouassoonasIcan.”
“Hey,baby,”Isaysoftly,knowingit’sgoingtopissheroff.“It’sme,callmeback.Missyou.”Ihangupandheadhome.
AssoonasIgethome,Imakemywayouttothebackofthehouse,goingstraightforthegym.Ispendacoupleofhoursintheredoingmyworkout,andthephonedoesn’tringthewholetime.Imean,itringsbutit’snotwhoIwantittobe.Christophercallsme,mymotherevencallsme,butnothingfromSofia.
Walkingintothehouse,IgostraighttothekitchenandgraboneofthepreparedmealsIhaveinthefridge.Iputitinthemicrowaveforacoupleofminutesbeforestandingandeatingitstraightoutofthecontainer.Iquicklyshower,andwhenIgetout,Iwearjeansandawhitepoloshirtbeforejoggingouttomycar.IdialSofiaagain,butitgoesstraighttovoicemailthistime.She’signoredmeallday,andIdon’tbotherleavingheramessagethistime.
Idrivebyherworkplacefirst,seeinghercarisn’tthereandallofthelightsareoff.Turningaround,Iheadstraighttoherhouse.Ipulluptoherhouseandseeatruckinherdrivewaynexttohercar.
Iparkonthestreet,lookingatthetrucktwicebeforewalkingupthestepstoherhouse.Iringthedoorbell,turningtolookoveratthetruckagain.Myhandsgotomyhipsasmystomachgetstight.
Ihearthedoorunlock,turningtoseeSofiaopenthedoor.Sheisstilldressedinherworkclothes,lookingjustasbeautifulasever.Thesmileonmyfacequicklyfadeswhenshecomesoutofthehouseandclosesthedoorbehindher.ThefeelingIhadinmystomachgetsevenstronger.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Hervoiceisalmostawhisperasshelooksatmewithafranticlookonherface,thenturnstolookatthecloseddoor.
IwatchherandIswearIfeellikeI’mgoingtothrowupallovertheplace.“Issomeoneinside?”Iaskasmyheartsinksinmychest.MybreathingstartstocomeinpantsasIwaitforhertoanswer.
She’sabouttotellmesomethingwhenthedooropensbehindherand,IsweartoGod,I’mgettingreadytothroatpunchwhoeverisinherhouse.Thedooropens,andIseeCaseystepout.IrecognizehimfromthepicturemyuncleMatthewshowedme.He’swearingdresspantswithadressshirtwithsleevesrolledupatthearms.Hestaresatmewithaglare.“OhmyGod,”Sofiamumblesfrombesideme,andIlookovertoseeherclosinghereyesandshakingherhead.
“Whoareyou?”heasks,hisvoicecalmandmonotone.Heputshishandsinhispantspockets.
“I’mMatthew,”Itellhim,eventhoughwedidmeetoncealong,longtimeago.
“Whyareyouhere?”Hiseyesneverleavemineashetakesmein.
“I’mheretoseeSofia.”Ilookdownatherandsmileatherasshelookslikeshe’sreadytofreakout.
“Why?”heasks,andIhavetothinkabouthowtosaythiswithoutstickingmyfootinmymouth.
“Okay,”Sofiafinallycutsin,“that’senoughoftheinterrogation.”Shelooksathergrandfatherandthenlooksoveratme.“Wewerejustgoingtohavedinner.”Shelooksathergrandfather.“Doyouwanttojoinus?”sheasks,andthenervesthatwereallovermybodyarenowgone.
“No,”Caseysnaps.
Atthesametime,Isay,“Sure.”
SofiawalksawayfrommetostandinfrontofCasey.“Benice,”shetellshergrandfather,thenturnsbacktolookatme.
Ifollowherleadandstandinfrontofher.“Hi,”Isaysoftlyandthenbendtokissheronherlips.
“Didyoujustkissmeinfrontofmygrandfather?”Sofiahisses,nowalmostyelling.
IrollmylipsandlookovertoCasey,whoisnowglaringatmeevenharderthanhewasbefore.Hishandsareoutofhispocketsandfoldedinfrontofhim.
“Yeah,”Ifinallysay,“IguessIdid.”
“Canyounot?”SofiasaysandIputmyhandonhershoulder.Shelooksatsaidhand.
“Wewerejustgoingtoeat.”
“Thereisn’tenoughfood,”Caseystates,andIjustsmile.
“Noworries,I’mnotthathungry,”Ilietohim.
Sofiahuffsandwalksawayfromme,myarmfallingbesideme.Shestepsintothehouse,stoppingbesideCasey.“Whywouldyoulieaboutthefood?”Sofiafoldsherarmsoverherchest.“Youthinkhe’snotgoingtoseethetwenty-sevenplatesoffoodGrandmasentforme?”
Sheshakesherheadandwalksintothehouse,leavingCaseyandmestaringateachother.EachofussizinguptheotherbeforeSofiastormsbacktousandpullsCaseybyhisarmawayfromthedoorsoIcanwalkin.Istepintothehouse,andCaseytakesonemorelookatmebeforehewalksbackintothehouse,leavingmewithjustSofia.
“Younevercalledme,”Itellher,andshejustshakesherhead.
“Youwouldthinkonewouldgetthemessage.”Ican’thelpbutchuckleasIwrapanarmaroundherwaist,pullinghertome.
“Oh,Igotthemessageloudandclear,”IinformherandhereyessoftenwhenIlowermymouthtohers.“Now,let’sgobeforeyourgrandfatherplansmymurder.”
Sofiathrowsherheadbackandlaughs.“Thathappenedtheminuteyoukissedmeinfrontofhim,”shestates,turningtowalkintothehousebutmyhandslipsintohers.“Youarepushingit.”Sheside-eyesmeasweroundintothekitchenandIseetheplatesshewastalkingabout.Caseyisstandinginthemiddleofthekitchen,facingus,hisphoneinhishand.He’stypinglikecrazyandlooksupatus.
Hiseyesgofromustoourhands.“Oh,good,youstayed,”hesayssarcastically.“Great.”
“Comeandgetsomethingtoeat.”Shepullsmetothekitchenandhandsmeaplate.
“Thankyou,”Ireply,grabbingtheplateasIpilefoodontoit.I’msonervousIhavenoideawhatI’mputtingonit,onlyIneedtokeepmyhandsbusy.
WhenSofiaseesmelookather,shepointsoveratthestools.“Gosit.”Inodatherandwalkovertotheseatsandlookbackather.
“Whereareyousitting?”Iask,knowingIamgoingtostakemyclaimasmyuncleMatthewsays,andtheminuteIthinkthat,IknowI’mgoingdownaone-waystreetthewrongway.
“Attheend,”shesaysandIpulloutthestoolnexttotheend.Shecomesoverandplacesherplatedownnexttome,followedbyCasey,whopullsouttheseatfacingus.
“Whatdoyoudo,Matthew?”heasks,andIremembermyuncletellingmeabouthim,soIknowheknowsexactlywhatIdo.
“Iplayhockey,”Ireply,cuttingapieceofchickenfriedsteak.
“HowdidyouandSofiameet?”heasks,andagain,Iknowheknows.
“Wedatedacoupleofyearsago.”
“Oh,that’sright,”hesayslikealightbulbjustwentoffinhishead,butIknowbetter.“Andyoudumpedher.”
“Webrokeup.”Iswallowdownthebile.“Yes.”
“Pops,”Sofiasaysbetweenclenchedteeth,“canwenotdothis?”
“Fine,”hegrunts,andsadly,Iknowhe’snotfinishedwithme.“Sohowdidyoutwogetbacktotalking?”
Iwanttogroanandhitmyheadontheislandinfrontofme,butImademybedandnowIhavetolieinit,evenifIdon’twantto.I’mabouttolayitalloutforhim.“Wemetintown,”Sofiainterjects,“ranintoeachotheronenight.”
Ilookoverather,andshejustlooksathergrandfather.“Nextquestion.”
“Areyoutwodating?”heasks.
Ipfftout,“Absolutely.”
Atthesametime,Sofiasays,“Notreally.”
“That’sinteresting,”hesays,smirkingatme,asIturntoglareatSofia,whodoesn’tlookbackatme.
“Soyouspentthenight,”Caseystates,rightbeforeheslidesapieceofchickenfriedsteakintohismouth.
Ilookathim,neveroncelookingaway,becausethenIwouldbeguiltyofsomething.“OhmyGod,”Sofiaretorts,“youdidnotjustaskhimthat.”
“Didheordidhenotcomeherelastnightandleavethismorning?”Caseytiltshisheadtotheside.
“Pops,”Sofiahissesout,“yousaidyouwouldmindyourbusiness.”
“Listen,it’snotmyfaultyouhaveaRingcamera.”Heholdsuphishands.“AndIgetreportsofwhocomesandgoes.”HesmilesatSofiaandthenturnshiseyestome.
IlookoveratSofiaandsmirk.“Idid,”Itellhim.“She’shere,soI’mgoingtobespendingtimewhereversheis.”
“Isthatso?”Heleansbackinhischair.
“Itis.”Imimichismove,tryingnottolethimseehowfuckingnervousIam.“Howlongwillyoubeintown?”
“I’mnotsureyet,”heevades.“Haven’tdecided.”
Sofialaughsathim.“He’sleavingafterdinner.”
“That’stoobad,”Itellhim,andhejuststaresatme.
“Andwhyisthat?”Hesitsupstraight,hisfingertappingthecounterinfrontofhim.
“MyfamilyiscomingdownonSaturdayformyhockeygame,andSofiawillbecomingtomeetthem.”Iputmyarmonherchair.“Ifyouwerehere,Iwouldloveforyoutomeetthem.”
Helooksatme,thetwoofusalmostasifweareplayingchess.ExceptIdon’tknowhowtoplaychess,butsomethingsayshedoes,andheusuallywins.“Countusin,”hedeclares,lookingatSofia.“I’llbebackSaturdaywiththeparents.”Hepushesawayfromtheisland.“I’llcallyoulater,”hetellsSofiaandkisseshercheek,noddingatme.“SeeyouSaturday.”
Heturnstowalkoutofthehouse,andonlywhenthedoorslamsshutdoesSofiaturnherglaretome.“Nowyou’vedoneit.”
“Donewhat?”Iask,feigninginnocence.“Ijustinvitedhimtoagame.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Youhavenoideawhatyoujustdid.”Shecloseshereyes.“He’sgoingtobringmyparents.”
“Good,”Ireply,cuttinganotherpieceofmeat.“Ourparentscanfinallymeet.”
“Thisisanightmare,”shehuffs.“It’sgoingtobeanightmare.”
Ilaugh.“What’stheworstthatcanhappen?”Evenwiththewordsoutofmymouth,IknowIdon’tevenwanttoanswerthatquestion.AllIknowisthatpushcametoshoveandIhadtoshowherImeantbusiness.sofia
“Youhaveadelivery,”Addisonsays,walkingintomyoffice.Ilookupfrommycomputerscreenandseesheiscarryingacrystalvaseofflowersandasquarewhiteboxintheotherhand.“Theysmellwonderful,”shenotes,puttingthevaseatthecornerofmydesk,thesmellofrosesfillstheoffice.“Andthisisforyou.”Shehandsmethebox.“Iwonderwhotheyarefrom?”Shewinksatme.
“Yes,Iwonder,”Clarabellasays,walkingintomyoffice.“Whatdoesthecardsay?”
“Ihavenoidea,”Ireply,lookingatthewhiteboxinmyhandwithabiglightbluesatinbow.Ipullthesashasitfallsawayfromthebox.Openingthebox,thewhitecardisontopofthetissuepaper.
Mynameiswritteninthemiddleofthecard,andIknowthatwriting.Takingthecardout,Ireadwhathehadwrittentome.
Ilovedyoubefore.Iloveyounow.Iwillloveyoualways.
M.
Myheartspeedsup,mystomachgetstight,thereisamixofemotionsI’mgoingthrough,anditfeelslikeI’monamerry-go-roundthathasyettostopbutisgoingfullspeedaround.“Um,”Ideflect,notsureIcanrepeatwhatisonthecardwithoutmyvoicequivering.Idon’tevenbotherlookingupatthemwhenIholdthecardout.
Idon’tknowwhotakesituntilIhearthegasp.“Ohmy,”Addisonsays,andIblinkawaythetearsinmyeyes.IseeherhandittoClarabella,wholooksdownatthecard,hereyesgoingasbigassaucersassheturnsbacktolookatme.
“What’sinthebox?”sheasks,andmyhandstrembleasIpullthetissueflapopenononesideandthenontheother.
Aframesitsinthemiddleoftheboxwiththreepictureslots.Before,Now,Afteraretheheadingsunderthethreepictureslots.IamnottheonegaspingwhenIlookdownatthefirstpictureinthebox.Itwastakenonourfirstnightoutfouryearsago.Matthewislookingatthecamerawithhishatonbackwardsmiling,andmyfaceisturnedtohissideinprofileandisfilledwithsuchabigsmilethatmyeyescrinkleatthesides.
Myeyesgoimmediatelytothenextpicturetakenlatelastnightafterwefinishedcleaningupmykitchenandputtingawaythefoodmygrandmothersent.Hewastellingmeabouthownervoushewaswithmygrandfatherandalsotellingmehe’sgoingtoputwhitehockeytapeontopoftheRingcamera.Hehadmelaughingsohard,Ihadtearsinmyeyes.Hepulledmetohimandkissedmylipsbeforehewhippedouthisphone.Ihadnoideahowthepictureevencameoutbecauseassoonashetookit,heputthephonedown,andthenpickedmeupandtookmeupstairswherewetookabubblebathtogether.
“Isthat?”Clarabellaasks,leaningover.“Pictures?”
“Itis.”Iswallowdownthelump,lookingattheemptyslotforthethirdpicture.
Ipickuptheframeandturnittoher.“Whoa,”shesays,“isthat—”
“It’snothing,”Isay,tryingtograbitbackfromherandtuckitbackinthewhitebox.
“Isthat?”sheasksasshelooksfromonepicturetothenext.
“Yeah,it’sthesamepicture,justacoupleofyearsapart,”Iconfirm,tryingnottodwellonit,whilealsotryingnottofreakoutthathestillhadthepictureofuslyingaroundthathecouldhavefoundit.
“Howisitthatyouhavethesamelookinbothpictures?”Clarabellalaughswhilesheasksthequestion.
“Idonot!”Ishriek.“Icertainlydonot.”IlookoveratAddison,whohasascaredlook,probablybecauseIsoundlikeacrazylunaticrightnow.
Clarabellaisunfazedbymytoneandallshedoesislookatmeandburstoutlaughingevenmore.“Yes,youdo.”Shehandsmebacktheframe.“It’sthereinbothpictures.It’slove,andit’swrittenalloveryourface.”
Iputmyhandtomychestinshock,asifshehadjusttoldmethetoothfairywasn’trealthemorningafterIlostatoothandcameupempty-handed.“Idon’tlovehim.”ThewordstastewrongassoonasIsaythem,andIhateit.“Ilikehim.”Myeyebrowsshootup.“Abit.”
“You’relying.”Clarabellapointsafingeratme.Ilookdownattheframe,andIcan’teventrytotellherthatshe’sfullofit.IfIdidn’tknowmyselfandIlookedatthesepictures,Iwouldprobably—mostlikely—thinkthesamething.
“Ican’tlovehim.”Isaythewords.MyvoiceisalmostawhisperasitdawnsonmethatIwentandfuckingfellinlovewithhim.“Thisismegettinghimoutofmysystem.”IlookatClarabella,whojustnodsherheadatmewithouttellingmesureitis.
“Thatiswhatthisis.”IlookoveratAddison,whosmilesatmealmostlike,youpoorthing.Igetup,thechairflyingback.“I’mnotinlovewithhim,”Itellthemboth,wrappinguptheframeinthewhitebox.“Thisis…”Itrytothinkofthewordstosay.“Nothing.”IlookatbothofthemasIputthecoverontheboxandwalkaroundmydesk.Mybodyisfilledwithendlessnerves.Igrabmypurse,pickingitup,“I’m,”Isay,lookingatthem,“I’llseeyoubothtomorrow.Goodnight.”
“It’stena.m.,”AddisonstatesandClarabellajustclapsherhandstogetherassheburstsoutlaughing.
“Callmeifyouneedanything,”ItellAddisonandstormout,pissedatmyselfforlettingthisgettomeagain.
“Unbelievable,”ImumbleasItossmypurseontheseatbesidemeandthenputthewhiteboxontopofit.
Idon’tevenknowhowlongittakesmetogethome,butIparkinthegaragewhenIdo.Ileavetheboxandmypurseinthecarbeforewalkingintothehouse.Thephonepingsinmyhand,andIseeit’sfromMatthew
Didyoulikethegift?
“No,”Itellmyself,“no,Ididnot.”Myfingersareonthekeypad,readytoanswerhim.
Whatgift?Inmeetingsback-to-back.Havethreebridemeetingstoday,willonlyfinishreallylate.I’llcallyouwhenI’mdone.
IpresssendbeforeIwalkstraightupstairstomybedroom.Thecoversarestillallmessedupfromthismorningwhenwehadsexassoonasmyalarmstartedringing.IkickoffmyheelsandundressbeforeIstripthebedandwashthesheets.Myphoneringsacoupleoftimes,andeverytime,it’sMatthew.Thesungoesdown,andImakesurealltheblindsareclosedaroundthehouse.Isitinthemiddleofmybedwiththetelevisionon,butthesoundaslowascanbe.ThephoneonthenightsidetablewithunansweredtextsfromMatthew.
Doyouwanttocomehereafterwork?
Swungbytheofficetodropoffsomethingtoeat.Whereareyou?
Canyoucallme?
Iignorethephonecalls.Iignorethetextmessages.Iignoreitall.Lyinginbed,IwatchthehourstickbywhenIhearmyphoneringingatmidnight,rightbeforetheknockonmydoor.“Fuck,”Imouthwithoutsayinganything.
“Sofia,”hesaysmynameasIsneakdownthestairs,tryingnottomakeasound.“Ifyoudon’topenthedoor,”hewarns,hisvoiceclearasday,“I’mcallingyourgrandfatherandtellinghimIcan’tfindyou.”Iclosemyeyes,wonderingifhewouldreallydothat.“Idon’thavehisnumber,butI’msureIcangetaholdofsomeone.”Ifinallystepdownthelaststep.“MaybeifIspeakintotheRingcamera,”hesays,andIshakemyhead,knowinghe’snotgoingtogoaway.“Openthedoor,Sofia.”
Iunlockthedoorandslowlyopenthedoor.“Fuck,”Matthewhisses.“ThankGodyou’reokay.”Hewalksinandgrabsmearoundmywaist,buryinghisfaceinmyneck.“Iwassoworried.”Heputsmedown,andIstareathim.“Wereyouhereallnightlong?”heasks.
“Yes,”Ireplysoftly.
“Whythesilence?”Heasksthequestion,hisvoiceassoftasmine.
“BecauseIdidn’tfeelliketalkingtoyou,”Ianswerhimhonestly.
Helooksintomyeyes,searchingforsomething.“Caretotellmewhy?”
“No.”IshakemyheadatthesametimeIsaytheword.
“What’sgoingon?”Hiseyesneverleavemine.
Itakeadeepbreath.“Idon’twanttodothisanymore,”IspeakthewordsI’vebeenrepeatingtomyselfallnight.IgnoringhowthepaininmychestisevenstrongernowthatI’mactuallysayingthemtohimandnotjustinmyhead.
Hefoldshisarmsoverhischest.“Definethis?”
Ithrowupmyhands.“Me,you,thesex.”Iswallowthelumpthathascrawledupfrommystomachtomythroat.“Allofit.”Heshakeshishead.“Youcan’tjustshakeyourhead,”Isnap.“Isleptwithyoutogetyououtofmysystem.”SayingthewordsIhopewillhurthimenoughthathejustletsmebe.Thathejustgoes,andwecanbedonewithwhateverthisis.
“Howisthatworkingoutforyou?”Hisquestionconfusesme.“Howisgettingmeoutofyoursystemworkingforyou?”Heputshishandsonhiships.“BecauseI’lltellyourightnow.”Thestingoftearsthreatenstocome,soIblinkthemaway.“IthoughtIlovedyoubefore.”Heshakeshishead.“LikeIknewIlovedyouwhenIwasanimmatureidiot.”Hetakesastepclosertome,closingthedistancebetweenus.“Butnow.”Hisfacegoesfromasmirktoafull-blownsmile.“NowthatI’vebeenwithandwithoutyou,IcansafelysayIloveyoumore.”Iwanttotellhimtostoptalking,butnothingcomesoutofme.“Itjustcementedeverything.”
“Ugh,ohmyGod,Matthew.”Ifinallygetthecouragetosaysomething,andI’mthankfulit’snotcomingoutwithmesobbing.“Youcan’tjustsaythingslikethat.”
“Whynot?”Theage-oldquestion.
“BecauseIsaidso.”Ilookathim,andallhedoesislaughatme.
“Canwegotobedyet?”heaskssoftly.“I’vebeendrivingaroundtownthelastfourhours.I’mexhausted.”Whydoesthatmakemyheartskipabeat?Whydoeseverythinghesaysmakemyheartflutter?Why?Oh,Iknowwhy,becauseIloveit.
“I’mgoingtobedinmybedandyouaregoingtoyourbed.”Ipointathim.
Hejustlooksatme.“Thengopackabag.”Hepointsatthestairsandinthedirectionofmybedroom.
“Idon’twanttopackabag.”Ialmoststompmyfoot,andhejustshrugs
“Okay,fine.”HeturnsandIsomehowthinkhe’sleaving,whichmakesmeinternallyfreakoutevenmore.Insteadofleaving,heshutsthedoorandthenturnstowalktothestairs.
“I’mnotleaving.”
“Why?”Idon’tevenknowwhyI’maskinghimthisbutIcan’thelpmyself.
Hecomesbackandstandsinfrontofme,hishandcomingouttocupmycheek.Histhumbrubsmycheekbonebackandforth.MybreathsarecominginshortpantsasIwaitforhimtospeak.Thewordsfinallycomeoutinasoftbreath.“Becauseyou’rehere.”matthew
Istandinfrontofher,myhandcominguptocuphercheek,becauseIneedtotouchherafterdrivingaroundforthelastfourhourslookingforher.SearchingineverysingleparkinglotIpassedbytolookforhercar,afraidshefinallyranawayfromme.Afraidshewouldneverletmeseeheragain.Ican’tevenputintowordshowdesperateIwas.Havingherfaceinmyhand,Ican’thelpbutbreatheasighofrelief.ShehastriedtopushmeawayeverysingledaysinceIforcedmyselfbackintoherlife.Butsheneedstofinallyhearit,needstofeelit,needstoknowit.“Becauseyou’rehere.”Myvoiceisasstrongasitcanbewithoutitcracking
Iseehereyesblinkamilliontimesaminute,soIknowshe’sfightingitback.Knowshedoesn’twanttogivein.“Sofia.”Hernameisonmylipsallthetimenow.“Wecangoasslowasyouwant.”Idon’tletmyeyesroamfromhers.“Butattheendoftheday,Sofia.”Iswallowthelumpandfeardown.Fearthatshewon’tgiveintowhatshewants.Fearshewon’tforgivemeforthrowingheraway.FearI’mgoingtohavetospendtherestofmylifewithouther,nomatterhowmuchIpushher.“AllIwantistobebyyourside.”
Shelicksherlips,notpushingmeaway.“Why?”Hervoiceissolow,Iknowthisisgoingtobemyonlyshot.
“BecauseI’mnotastupidkidanymore.”Iwanttokisshersobadly,butsheneedstoknow,needstounderstandhowIcan’tlivelifewithouther.“BecauseIknowwhatmylifeiswithoutyou.”Itakeadeepinhale,notwillingtoseeit,notwillingtoliveit.“AndIknowwhatmylifeiswithyou.”Thestrengthshehadtoholdbackthetearsisalosingbattle,andjustlikeme,sheletsgoofasingletear,exceptI’mheretobrushawayhertear.“Andclearasday,Iwouldpickyoueverytime.”Ilickmylips,mymouthgoingsodryIdon’tknowhowIcontinue,butIdo,withmyheartbeatingsofastinmychestit’sputtingadditionalpressureonmyheart.“Ifuckedup,acolossalfuckup.”Itrytosmile,butthepaininmychestfromwhenIlosthercomesfrontandcenteragain.“Thewaywecametogetheragainisnotideal.”Ismirkforasecond.“ButIhavetothinkwewouldhavecrossedpathsagain.”Theagonyofitnothappeningistoomuchtobear.“Ihavetobelievethisbecausethereisnooneformebutyou.”Itrailoff.
“YouhadHelena.”Sheputsherhandonmywristthatisstillholdingherface.
“IdidandIwishthatIhadn’t.”Ishakemyhead.“IcanseenowthatwhatIfeltforherwasnothing.”Myvoicequivers.“Ididn’tgiveherme.”Iwipeanothertearawayfromhercheek.“Ididn’tgiveherpartsofme.”Herlipsquiveratthesametimeminedo.“Becausethatpartofmewasalwaysyours.”Istareintohereyes.“Tellmeyouhearme,Sofia.”Iputmyforeheadtohers.“Tellmewhatyoufeelformeisn’tanything.AsmuchasIcan’tanddon’twantto,I’llletyoube.I’llloveyoufromafar.I’lllivemylifeknowingIwillneverloveanyonebutyou.”Iwaitasecondbeforethepleacomesout.“Tellme.”
“I’mafraid,”shefinallyadmits.“I’msoafraid.”
“Ifailedyouonce,Sofia,bynotbeingwhatyouneeded.Bynotbeingthemanwhoyoudeserved.Youhavetoknow.YouhavetoknowthatIwouldneverdothatagain.ItkillsmeinsideknowingIwasthemanwhowassupposedtoprotectyou.Iwasthemanwhowassupposedtodoeverythingtomakesureyoufeltnopain,butIwas,infact,theonewhoinflictedthepainonyou.”MyhandshakesnowasIholdherface.
“Don’thurtmeagain,”shepleads,thewordsslicingthroughmyheartonewordatatime.
“Ipromiseyou;I’llspendtherestofmylifemakingupforit.”Shestaresintomyeyesthistime.Theturmoilthatwebothfeelisetchedonourfaces.
Iwaitforhertosaysomething,anything,waitingasifmylifesentenceisbeingdelivered.“Ihearyou,”shesays.Idon’tlethersayanotherword,Ilowermylipstohers,thetasteofourtearsonourlipsasIkissherlikeit’sthefirsttimealloveragain.MytongueslidesintohermouthasIwrapmyarmaroundherwaist,whiletheotheronegetsburiedinherhair.ShemovesherheadtoonesideandIpickherup.Herarmswraparoundmyneckatthesametimeherlegswraparoundmyhips.
Iwalkovertothestairsgoingtoherbedroom.Everysinglelightisoffinthehouse,butImakeittoherbedroomlikeI’vebeeninthishouseamilliontimesbefore.OnceIwalkintoherroom,shepeelsherselfoutofmyarms,herhandgoingtomycheek.“Iloveyou.”Thewordscomeoutbreathlessly.“Ifoughtit,”sheadmits,andIhatethatIcan’tseehereyes.“Saiditwouldneverhappen.Iwaswrong.”Shekissesmyneck,herhandsqueezingmyT-shirtinherfingers,pullingitupandovermyhead.“Ididn’tthinkthiswouldeverhappenagain,”shesays,lookingdown.“IwishedforitforsolongthatIthoughtitwouldneverhappen.”
“Itwasalwaysmeanttobe,”Iassureherassheopensthesashofherrobe.Slippingitoverhershouldersanddowntoherfeet,shestandsinfrontofmewearingawhitecamisolewithmatchingpanties.
Shewalksbesideme,slippingherhandinmine,andshekissesmyshoulderandpullsmewithhertothebed.“Itwasalwaysmeanttobeyou,”shedeclarestome,sittingonthebed,pullingmyarmdownsoIsitnexttoher.Herhandsgotomyface.“Itwasalwaysyou.”Myheartsoarsinmychest.“It’salwaysgoingtobeyou.”
“Youbetyourassitwillbe,”Ivow,rightbeforeIclaimhermouth.Wrappingmyarmaroundherwaist,Ilowerherbacktothebed.Thereinthemiddleofherdarkenedroom,Imakelovetoher.
Islideintoheratthesametimeshearchesherbackoffthebed.“Iloveyou,”Isayasmyforeheadrestsonhers.
Herhandscomeuptoholdmyfaceasshepants.“Iloveyou,”shesays,mytongueslidingbackintohermouthasItrynottopoundintoher.“Harder.”SheletsgoofmylipsandIslamintoher.“Yes,”shewhispers,wrappingherlegsandarmsaroundme.Myfaceburiedinherneck,Islamintoheroverandoveragain.ShethrustsherhipsuptomeetmineandsqueezesmycocksohardIdon’tmoveinher.“Matthew.”Mynameisonherlips,asshejumpsovertheledge,andI’mnotfarbehindherwithhernameonmylipsaswell.Icollapseontopofher,herlimbsgoingweakaroundme,fallingtotheside.
“Doyouwanttotakeashowerwithme?”Ikissherneck,pullinghercloserandclosertome.
“Okay,”sheagreesandthenwrapsherselfaroundmeagain.Iwalktothebathroom,turningonthebathroomlight
Ifinallyseeherfaceandnoticehereyesarered.“Whywereyoucrying?”
“WhosaysIwascrying?”shehuffsasIplaceherassonthecounterbeforeturningandstartingtheshower.Sheturnstolookatherselfinthemirrorandthengasps.“Iwasfeelingsorryformyself.”Shegetsdownandtriestofixherhair.
“Youwouldn’thavehadtofeelsorryforyourselfifyouwouldhaveansweredmytextsorphonecalls,”Itellher,bendingtokissherneck.
Shecocksherheadtotheside.“Iwouldn’thavehadtofeelsorryformyselfifyoujust—”Idon’tevenwaitforhertosayanything.Ijustpressmylipstohers.“Yeah,that’swhatIthought,”shesaysonceIletgoofherlips.
“Yougoingtore-meetmyfamily?”Iask,bendingandkissingherneck.
“Yes,”shesaysbreathlessly,lookingupatme.“IthinkIhaveto.Myparentsarecomingdownwithmygrandparents.”
“Thiswouldbeaperfecttimetoaskyourfatherforyourhandinmarriage,”Isuggest,watchingherfaceassheglaresatme.
“Thatwouldbetheoppositeofaperfecttimetoaskforanything,”shedeclaresandpushesmeawayfromher.
Ican’thelpbutlaugh.“Well,myparentsarecomingintotowntomorrowmorningsoIsaidwewouldmeetthemforlunch.”Hermouthopensandthencloses.“Theycancomehere,orwecangotomyhouse.”
“Idon’t…”shesays,andIputupmyhand.
“Sheneverlivedinmyhouse,”Iassureher.“Butit’sonthemarket,andfromwhatmymomsaid,itlookslikeit’ssold.”
“You’resellingyourhouse?”sheasks,shocked.
“I’msellingmyhouse.We’removinginwitheachother,”Iinformher,“andwearen’tgettingafuckingRingcamera.”
Shelaughsatthelastpart.“We’removinginwitheachother?”
“Yes.”Inodmyhead.
“Youcouldjustmoveinhere,”shesays,andIfoldmyarmsovermychest
“Whoboughtthishouse?”Iask,knowingfullwellwhoboughtthehouse.Shedoesn’tsayanything.“Exactly,sowearegoingtobelookingforahouse.I’mgoingtobuysaidhouse,andthenwearemovinginwitheachother.”Hereyebrowsgoup.“Andthenwearegoingtogetmarriedandhavebabies.”
“Whycan’twebothbuythehouse?”sheasks,andIrollmyeyesandthenlaugh.
“BecauseItakecareofyoufromthispointon.”Hereyesgointoslits.“Whateveryouneed,I’mgoingtobetheonetakingcareofyou.”
“AndifIsayno?”sheasks.
“Doyouloveme?”Iask,andsherollshereyesatme.“Doyounotwanttogotobedwitheachothereverynight?”Idon’twaitforhertoanswer.“BecauseIwanttogotobedwithyoueverynightI’mhome.Iwantahousewithyouwherewecombineallourshit.Whereweputupframes.Whereyouyellatmeforleavingmysocksbesidethebasketandnotinit.”Ismirkather.“IwanttoknowthatyouareinourbedwhenI’montheroad.Now,isthattoomuchtoask?”
Shelooksatme,thiswomanIletgoofallthoseyearsago.ThewomanwhohasownedmywholeheartsinceImether.Here,inthemiddleofherbathroom,inthemiddleofthenight,sheagreeswithme.“Fine,”shehuffs,walkingtowardtheshower,“let’smoveintogether.”sofia
“Whatdoyouthinkaboutthis?”Isay,steppingoutofthewalk-incloset.Matthewturnshisattentionfromthephoneinhishandtome.HeislyingontopofthebeddressedinbluejeansandawhiteT-shirtwithabaseballhatonhishead.
Hesmileswhilehelooksatme.“Youlookamazing.Likealways.”
“ButdoesthissayIreallyloveyourson?”Iask.Turningtolookatthelongmirror,Iseemyselfinmywhitejeanswithalong-sleevecashmeresweaterfoldedattheneck.“AndI’llmakehimhappy.”
Hechucklesashegetsoffthebedandapproachesme,puttinghishandsonmyhips.“Thesmileonmyfacesayseverything,”hesays,andmyheartskipsabeat.EversinceIopenedthedoortohimatmidnight,hiswordshavehitmerightinthemiddleofmyheart.HiswordshavefilledthevoidinmysoulIdidn’tknowwasthere.AvoidIdeniedeverhaving.Avoidonlyhislovecouldfill.
“Ijustwantthemtolikeme,”Iadmittohim,“again.”Itrytomakeajokeoutofit.
“Theyaregoingtoloveyou,astheyalwayshave,”heassuresme,andItrynottothinkabouthowtheyfeltaboutHelena,iftheylikedherornot.Weretheysadaboutit?Ihavesomanyquestionsandthatjustfuelstheanxietytoanotherlevel.
Thedoorbellringsandhewinksatme.“Showtime,”hesays,grabbingmyhandinhisandwalkingoutofthebedroomtogether.Thedoorbellringsagainandhehuffsashewalkstothedoor.
Hegrabsthehandleandunlocksit.“Youwanttocoolyourhorses?”hesays,pullingopenthedoor,expectingittobehisparentsbutinsteadit’snot.
“Whyareyouevenansweringthedoor?”mygrandfatherCaseysays.“Thisisnotyourdoor.”
“Um,”Matthewstutters.
“Oh,wouldyouknockitoff?”mygrandmotherOliviasays,pushinghimtotheside.“Hello,Matthew,”shegreets,walkinginthedoorandgoingtohimtokisshimonthecheek.“Youlookdifferent.”
“Um.”That’sallMatthewcansay.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”IaskthemasImakemywaytothefrontdoor.
“Yourgrandfather,”mygrandmotherstates,puttingherpursedownonthetable,“waslikeabatoutofhellgettinghere.”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Ilookovertothedoorandseemyfatherstandingtherescowling.“Answeringthedoorlikeyouowntheplace.”
“Dad,”Igaspoutloudandshakemyhead,“hedoeslivehere.”
“What?”myfatherandgrandfatherbothgaspout.
“Um,Idon’tthinkso,”myfathercounters,puttinghishandsonhiships.
“Wouldyougoaway?”mymothersays,walkingintothedoor.“Matthew,wearesohappytoseeyouagain.”
“Again,”myfatherpfftsout.“Notthathappy.”
“Mr.Barnes,”Matthewsays,goingovertomyfather,extendinghishand,“greattoseeyouagain.”
Myfatherjustlooksatthehandandthenlooksathim.“ReedBarnes,ifyouknowwhatisgoodforyou.”Mymotherglaresathim.“Youwillrememberthisisyourdaughter’shouseandheis…”Shetrailsoff.
“Theoneshegoestobedwitheverynight,”mygrandmotherpipesup,andIclosemyeyestostoptheembarrassmentfromfillingmyface,butIsuddenlyfeeltheheatrisetomycheeks.
“Now,youtwo”—hervoicegetstight—“youbetterbeonyourbestbehavior.”Ilookoveratherandsheisglaringatmyfatherandgrandfather.“Orelse.”
Idon’thaveachancetosayanythingelsebecauseIhearthesoundofdoorsclosing.One,two,three,four,five,six,seven,eight—alllikeclockwork.“Whatthe—”Myfatherlooksoverhisshoulder.
“Myfamily,”Matthewsays,andIputmyhandtomystomachtomakethenervesgoaway.Matthewseesitandcomesovertome.Hegrabsmyfaceinhishands.“Theyaregoingtoloveyou.”Hekissesmylips.
MygrandmotherandmothersmileatMatthewwhilemyfatherpfftsagain.“Ofcoursetheyaregoingtoloveher.Whatisnottolove?”
“Hello.”Ihearaman’svoiceandlookovertothefrontdoor,seeingMatthew’sdad.“YoumustbeSofia’sdad.”Hewalkstomyfatherandholdsouthishand.Iamnotgoingtolie,Istandherewithbatedbreath,wonderingifmyfatherisgoingtopullsomethingbutheextendshishandtoViktor.
“Nicetomeetyou,”hemumbles,“thisismyfather.”Helooksovertomygrandfather.“Casey.”
Viktorextendshishandtomygrandfather.“Pleasure,”hesaystohim.“Thesearemybrothers-in-lawMatthew,Max,andEvan.”
“Gentlemen,”hisuncleMatthewsays,extendinghishand,“greattomeetyou.”
“Hello.”Mygrandmotherwalkstothefrontdoor.“I’mOlivia,pleaseignoremyhusbandandson,theyseemtohaveforgottentheirmanners.”Sheforcesasmileatthem.“Comein.”
IslipmyhandinMatthew’sasIwaitforthemtowalkin.“Sofia,”Viktorsays,comingoverandgivingmeabighug,“sonicetoseeyouagain.”VerydifferentfromhowmyfamilytreatedMatthew,whichwillbediscussedwhenwearen’tinfrontofsomanypeople.
IdropMatthew’shandtohughim,andhemovesasideasMatthew’smothercomestome.“Hi,”shesaysandshelookslikeshe’sblinkingawaytears,“youarebeautifulasalways.”Shetakesmeinherarmsandhugsme.“DoyourememberKarrie,whoismarriedtoMatthewsenior?”
“Didyoujustcallhimsenior?”Maxsays,laughingandshakinghishead.“That’sanewone.Ithinkweshouldputthatonyourbusinesscard.”Matthewglaresoverathim.
“AllisonismarriedtoMax,andZaraismarriedtoEvan.”Inodatthewoman,andbythetimetheintroductionsaredonewithallthewomen,I’mreadyforanicestiffdrink.
“Shallwegointo…”Istarttosayandthenlookatthenumberofpeopleinmyhome.“IwanttosaykitchenbutIdon’tthinkit’sbigenoughforallofus.”
“Oh,please,”Allisonsays,“weareusedtotoomanypeopleandsmallspaces.”Shelooksaroundthehouse.“Youhavealovelyhome.”
“Didyouguysknowtheyarelivingtogether?”myfatherasks,andmyeyesgobig.Isilentlylookaround,hopingthegroundopensupandswallowsmewhole.
“What?”hisuncleMatthewgasps.“Youcan’tlivewithher.”HelooksoveratMatthew.“Youhavetomarryher.”Heshakeshishead.“Didwenotteachyouanything?”hemumbles.
“Oh,herewego,”IhearZoesay,thenshelooksoveratmymotherandgrandmother.“Iapologizeforanythingthatmybrother,husband,orbrother-in-lawsays.”
“Same,”mymothersaystoher.
“Iguessthissettlesit,”mygrandfathersays,standingnexttoUncleMatthew,“youcan’tlivewitheachother.”
“Thatsettlesnothing.”Matthewputshishandsonhishipsandlooksoveratmygrandfatherandhisuncle.“I’mbuyingusahouse,andwearemovingintoit,marriedornotmarried.”
“Buyingahouse?”myfatherquestions.“Shehasahouse,thisone.”
“Butit’snotourhouse.”IstandnexttoMatthew,aunitedfront.“Sowearegettingourhouseand—”
“And,”hisuncleMatthewsays,“gettingmarried.”
“Whatisitwithyouandgettingmarried?”Zaraaskshim.“It’sthetwentiethcentury.”
“Shallwemovetothekitchen?”mymothersuggests.“Ibroughtsomesweets,”shesays,thenlooksatmyfather.“Canyougogetthem?”
“MymotheristheownerofHazel’sSweets,”Isayandthewomenallgasp
“I’mobsessedwiththelemoncranberryscones,”Zoedeclares.
“Well,you’reinluck.Ibroughtextra,”mymothersaysandthenlooksoverattheguys.“Whyareweallstandingherewatching?”Shelooksatmyfatherandthenmygrandfather.
“DoyouwantmetotellCharlottehowwebehavedtoday?”mygrandmotherOliviathreatensthem.“PerhapswecanFaceTimeheronthatshinynewiPadyougother.”Theylookateachotherbeforeturningtowalkoutofthehouse.
“Gohelp.”Zoepointsatthemen.“Andbenice.”
“I’llbeback,”Matthewsays,kissingmylipsandhewalksout.
“I’mgoingtogoandgetthingsgoinginthekitchen,”mymotherandgrandmotherinformus.
“Ifit’sokay,”Zoesays,“canwehaveamoment?”Shelooksatme.
Mymotherandgrandmotherbothlookatme,notsurewhattodoorsay.“Ofcourse,”Ifinallysaynervously,wantingtovomitallovertheplace.“Let’sgointheoffice.”Ipointovertothecloseddoorrightinfrontofus,openingit,andsteppingintoit.
“Thisissopretty,”Zoecompliments,steppingin,andIclosethedoorbehindus.“Canwesit?”sheasks,pointingoveratthebigwhiteplushloveseat.
“Ofcourse.”Inod,walkingovertothecouchandsittingdown.Myhandonmylegtremblesjustabit.“I’msorryifIstutterorI’mnervous.”
Zoesitsnexttomeandreachesoutherhandtotakemineinhers.“Ifanyoneshouldbenervous,it’sme,”shesays.“Ijustwantedtocleartheairabit.Iknowhowyoumustbefeelingwiththewhole…”Sheusesherhandtogoinacircle,notsurewhattosay.
“ThewholehimbeingengagedtoHelenaandbeingtheirweddingplanner,”Isaythewordsforherandsheputsherheadbackandgroans,makingmelaugh
“IthoughtIwasgoingtobeokaydoingthis,”shesayssoftly,lookingdownatourhands.“Iknewtheminutehesaidhewasgettingmarried,itwasthewrongthingforhimtodo.”Myheartpoundsinmychest.“Imean,hedidn’tevenproposetoher,whodoesthat?”ShelooksatmeandIcanseesheistryingnottocry.“Ilovemyson,Ireallydo,butIhadnowords.”
“It’sokay,”Isaysoftly,“Igetit.”
“No,Idon’tthinkthatyoudo,”sherepliessoftly.“Ithinkitwasalwaysyou,Sofia.Ithinkafteryouguyswentyourseparatewaysbecauseofanotherstupidthinghedid.”Sheshakesherhead.“Hedidn’tthinkhecouldlovelikethatagain,sohejustchosewhathedid.WhatI’mtryingtosayis,Ithinkhe’sonlyeverlovedyou,andnowthatyou’reback,Ihaveafeelingit’sforgood.”Shesmiles.“Iknowwecanbealot,trustmeIknow,butIjustwanttosayhowhappyweareforyoutwo.”
“Wow,”Isay,blinkingawaymyowntears.“Ican’ttellyouwhatthatmeanstome.Iwasnervous,sonervous,todaybecause,well,hewasjustengaged,andIdidn’tknowifyouwouldbeacceptingofit.”
“I’mnotgoingtosayanythingIshouldn’t,butlet’sjustsay,itwasn’tagoodfitallthewayaround.”Shesmirks,justlikeherson.“This,”shesays,pointingatme,“istheperfectfit.”
I’mabouttosaysomethingtoherwhenthedooropens,andMatthewstickshisheadin.“What?”Thesmileonhisfacegoesawaywhenheseesmetryingnottocry.“Whatintheworld?Whyareyoumakingmygirlcry?”Hewalksin,ormaybehe’spushedinbyViktor,whocomesin.
“Whatareyoudoinginhere?”heasks,notreadingtheroom.Thesmileonhisfacealsoleavesassoonasheseesthetwoofuscrying.“Whatisgoingon?Whyisshecrying?”
“Iamnotcrying,”Isniffle.
“Nothing,”Zoesays.“Iwasjusttryingtotellher,youknow,thatwe’rehappyshe’sback.”
“AndIwasthankingherforbeingopen-mindedwithme,especiallysinceit’sverysoonafterHelena.”IlookatViktor,wholooksoverathisson.
“Look,I’dlovetosithereandtalkaboutthislonger,”Viktorsays,“butMatthewseniorandCaseyareliterallyhavingapissingcontest,andI’mjusthopingnoonewhipsoutaprivatepart.”
“Ofcourseheis.”Iliftmyarms.“I’msorryifhemakesyoufeeluncomfortable.I’mthefirstgrandchild.”
“Oh,please,”Viktorsays,“wehavenoexcuseforMatthewsenior,hejustis.”
“Canyougiveusaminute?”Matthewsaystohisparents,whonodandwalkoutoftheroom.
“Youhaveoneminute,”Itellhim,“andthenIhavetogoandtakecareofmygrandfather.”
“Areyoureallyokay?”heasks,puttinghisarmsaroundmywaistandbringingmeclosertohim.
“Yes,”Isay,smilingupathim.“Ireallyamokay.WhatI’mnotokaywithisthewaymygrandfatherandfathertreatedyou.Thatisnotokay.”
“Idon’tcareaslongasyouarewithmeattheendoftheday.Theycandowhattheywanttome.”
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“Thisisnotokay,”Itellhim,andI’mabouttotellhimmorewhenthedoorswingsopen.“Showtime,”Imumble.matthew
“Whatisgoingoninhere?”Caseywalksintotheoffice.“Whyisshecrying?”HetakesonelookatSofia,thenlooksatme,glaring.
“DoyouwanttoknowwhyI’mcrying?”Sofiaasks,hervoicetight.“I’lltellyouwhy.”Hervoicegoeshigher.“Actually,thisshouldbedoneinfrontofeveryone,”shesays,stormingoutoftheroom.
“Sofia,”Icall,followingheroutasshemakesherwaytothekitchenwhereeveryoneiseitherstandingorsitting.
“Ihaveanannouncementtomake,”shestatesloudly.
“OhmyGod,she’spregnant,”UncleMatthewsaysandIjustshakemyhead
“Sheisnotpregnant,”Isaybeforeeveryonefreaks,“notthatIwouldcare.”Ilookatherandshegivesmeanotrightnowlook.
“IjustwanttosaythankyoutoMatthew’sfamilyforbeingsowelcomingtome.”Ilookoveratthem,smiling.“Andthenyouhavemyfamily.”Sheglaresatherfatherandhergrandfather.“Youtwo.”Shepointsatthem.“Youhavenotbeensokindorwelcomingatall.”Herfathersayssomethingandsheholdsupherhand.“Now,Idon’tknowhowyouwanttohearthis,butIwantyoutolisten.Heismychoice.”Shepointsatme.
“Thanks,baby,”Isayhappily,butshewhipsherheadtowardme.
“Notnow.”Irollmylips,holdingupmyhands.“Heismychoice,andIamhis.WhichmeansthatI’mgoingtodolifewithhim.I’mgoingtomoveinwithhim.I’mgoingtosharemylifewithhim.Mygooddaysandmybaddays.I’mgoingtohavebabieswithhim.”ShelooksbackatUncleMatthew.“Notnow,buteventually.Iamdoingallofthis,andifyoudon’trespectthat,thenyoudon’trespectme,andifyoudon’trespectme,thenIwon’thaveitinmylife.”Hazelgasps.“Soyouhaveachoicetomake.Youcanbeinmylife,andbythat,itmeansyouwillbenicetohimandtreathimwiththesamekindnessandrespecthisfamilytreatsmewith,oryoucanbeoutofmylife,whichmeansthatcomeholidays,wearen’tgoingtobethere.”
“Nowholdonaminute,”Reedstarts,“it’sjustthat—”
“It’snothing,Reed,”Hazelhissesathim.“Didyoulistentoawordthatshesaid?”
“Wehadnochoice.Shesaidshehadanannouncementtomake,”Reedsays,earninghimselfaglarefromHazel.“Fine.”Heholdsuphishand.“We’llberespectful.”Helooksather.“Happy?”
“It’sastart,”Sofiasays.
“Iwouldliketosaysomething.”Iholdupmyhandandseemyfatherandmyunclesjustshakingtheirheads,tellingmeit’snotagoodidea,butI’monlygoingtogetoneshotatthis.“I’msorryforwhatIdidtoSofia,”Iapologize,lookingatherandputtingmyarmaroundherandpullinghertome.“AndlikeItoldher,Iwillspendforevermakinghernotregretgivingmeanotherchance.”Sheslipsherarmaroundmywaist.“AndIhopethatyouallgivemeanotherchancetoprovemyselftoyouandtoher.”
“Youdonothavetodothat,”Oliviasays.“Sofiaistheonlyoneyouneedtoprovethatto,andifshehaschosentohaveyouinherlife,wehavetobelievethatsheknowswhatshe’sdoing.”Sheglaresovertoherhusband.“Thatshouldbeenoughforus.”Hereyebrowsgoup.“Right?”
Heglaresbackather.“Beforeyouagreetoanything,”myuncleMatthewsays,andIwanttogroan,“youshouldtellthemwhatyouareabouttodo.”
“Whathe’sabouttodoorwhathejustdid?”Maxasks,standingnexttoMatthew,hiseyesonCasey,whojuststaresatthem,anditlookslikehe’ssmirking.
Hedoesn’tbackdownlikemostpeoplewhotrytogohead-to-headwithmyuncles.“Interesting.”ThatistheonlythingCaseysays.
“Ithinkit’ssafetosaywebothhaveoursources.”MyuncleMatthewputshishandsinhispockets.“Bettertheyhearitfromyou,don’tyouthink?”
“Whatisgoingon?”Sofiawhispersasshelooksoverathergrandfather,whoavoidslookingather.TheguiltisnowwrittenonhisfaceandIcan’tevenimaginewhatitisthathedid.Whateveritis,itmustbebad.
“CaseyBarnes,”Oliviasays,herteethclenchedtogether,“whatdidyoudo?”
“Ididn’tdoanything,”hedeflects,turningtomyuncleMatthew,“yet.ButI’vedecidedtobuyahockeyteam.”Idon’tevenhavetimetoprocesswhatisgoingonuntilIhearmyuncleMatthew.
“OhmyGod,”IhearHazelsayatthesametimeIfeeltheairdrainoutoftheroom.
“Notjustanyhockeyteam,”myuncleMaxdeclares,“noneotherthanMatty’steam.”Hepointsatme.
ThebloodmustdrainfrommyfacebecauseI’mshocked“What?”Isayalmostinawhisper.Assoonastheshockfades,whichissecondslater,itturnstoanger.Pissed,I’msopissednow.
“Youboughthishockeyteam?”Sofiaasks,lookingathergrandfather,herownfacegoingpale.
“It’snothisteam,”Caseystates,“heplaysfortheteam.Iownit.”
“Ihaveacontract,”Ifinallysay,andmyfathercomestostandbesideme.
“Trustme,Iknow,”Caseyassuresme,“foranotheryear,andthenwe’llsee,Iguess.”
“Fine,”Isay,lettingoutahugebreathandfeelingsodefeatedIjustwanttostormoutofhere.
“Ifthatiswhatyouwant,Icanalwaysplayoverseas.”IstareathimwhileIsaythis.“Norwayhasagreatteam.Finlandalso.Paris.Europeisagreatplacetoplay.Iknowacoupleofpeoplewhoplaythere,andthatiswhatI’lldoifIhaveto.”
“Ifhegoes,”Sofiaannounces,“Igowithhim.”Hervoiceissolow,I’mnotsureanyonecanhearher.“YoudothatandI’llleaveandgowithhim.Andthenyou’llneverseeus.”
“Nowwaitaminute,”ReedsaysandIlookovertoseeHazelgettingupandwalkingovertograbatissueasshewipesawaythetears.“Let’snotgetaheadofourselves.”
“CaseyBarnes,”Oliviademands,“youarenotbuyingthatteam.Youcancelthatrightnow.”
“Hecan’t.”MyuncleMatthewlaughs,clappinghishands.“Notonlydidhebuytheteam,heboughtitforwayoveraskingprice.”Heshakeshishead.“It’snoteventhatgreatofateam.”Myunclelooksatme.“Imean,you’rethebestontheteam,butifyouwantedtobuyahockeyteam,youshouldhavecalledme.Youranacheckonmethreeweeksago,surelyyouhadmynumber.YouknewexactlywhatIdidandwhoIdiditfor.YoumusthaveknownIownednotonlytheNewYorkteambutwearealsolookingtobranchouttotheWestCoast.”Caseynowjustlooksatmyuncle,hiseyebrowsgoingup.“Youaren’ttheonlyonewhodoesthecomputerstuff.”
“StefanoDimitris,”Caseysaysofmycousin,“Iknewhewouldcatchthetrail.”
“Whatisallthis?”myfatherasksandIlookoverathim.“Mysonmadeamistake.Amistakeakidmakesandheknowshe’smadeamistake.He’sadmittedhemadeamistakeandnowyouwanttocomeinhereandwhat,ruinhim?”Hisvoicegoestightattheend.
“No,”Reedsaysquickly,tryingtosugarcoatthings,“ofcoursenot.”
“Thatisn’twhatwearehearing,”hesays.“Peoplefuckup,trustme,Iknow.Iwasoneofthem.Butinlifeit’saboutgettingthechancetomakeyourwrongsright.”Helooksatme.“Youaren’tgoinganywhere,youhearme?Nowhere.”
“I’veheardenough,”Sofiadeclares.“Excuseme.”Shewalkstowardthestairsandgoesupthem.
Shewalksintoherroom,andIlookoveratherfatherandhergrandfather.“Areyouhappynow?”Ilookatthetwomenwhoarejuststandingthere.Reedlookslikehe’sinshock,Caseylookslikehe’sabouttowringsomeone’sneck,mostlikelymine.“Ineverwantedittobelikethis,”Itellthem.“IloveherwitheverythingIhave,butI’mnotgoingtostandhereandletyouhurther.I’lltakeherawayfromitallbeforeIletthathappen.”Ilookoveratmyfather.“I’mgoingtogoandmakesureshe’sokay.”
I’mabouttowalkupthestairswhenIseeherwalkingbackdownthestairswithabaginherhand.“Whereisshegoing?”Mymothergetsuptogotoher.“Sofia.”
Shedoesn’tsayanythingtoanyone,shejustwalkstothedoor,grabsherpurse,andthencomesbackandputsdownthekeyonthecounter.“Hereisthekeytothehouse.”Shelooksatherfatherandthenhergrandfather.“Idon’tneeditanymore.”
Shethenwalkstomewiththebiggesttearsinhereyes,andallIcandoisholdmyarmsouttoher.“Thankyouforcomingandmeetingme.”Sheturnstotalktomysideofthefamily.“I’msorryaboutallthis,Ihopeyouguyswon’tholdthisagainstme,”shesaysasshewipestearsawayfromhereyes.“Canwego?”
“Anywhere,”Itellher.“Wecangoanywhere.”
“Okay,stop,”Caseysnaps,hisvoicegoingloud.“Whydon’twealltakeasecond?”
“No,”Sofiastates,“youhadasecond.Youhadmorethanasecond.”
“YouhavetoseeIwasonlydoingitforyou,”Caseytellsher.“Iwoulddoanythingforyou.”
“No,youwouldn’t,”Sofiacountersstubbornly,“becauseifyouwould,youwouldn’thavetriedtogobehindeveryone’sbackandtrytoruinhiscareer.”
“Ican’truinhiscareer,”Caseysays,“Ican’tevenskate.”
“Youbetterdobetterthanthat.”Oliviafoldsherarmsoverherchest.
“Okay,fine.”Heholdsuphishands.“I’msorry.”
“For?”SofiaasksandIknowshe’sgettingherway.Shedidthiswholethingtotrickhim.“I’msorryforbeingadonkey?I’msorryforactinglikeacrazypersoninfrontofstrangers?I’msorryforbuyingahockeyteam,evenifyouhavenoideawhattherulesare?”
“Pfft,”Caseyretorts,“Iknowtherules.”
Sofiastandsstraight.“Howmanyinnings?”
“Periods,”myunclemumblestohim,tryingtohelphim.“Three.”
“Three,”Caseysays,“andtheyarecalledperiods.Butyes,allthat.IpromiseIwilltryforrealtogettoknowhimandIpromiseIwon’tinterferewithhiscontract.”
“Andthehousewebuy?”Sofiacounters.
“Sayno.”Myuncleputshishandinfrontofhismouth.
“Wecouldallgoseethehousetogether,”mymomsuggests.“Ihavefourlistingstomorrow.”
“Ileaveintheafternoon,”IsayandthenlookoveratCasey.“Butifyouwant,wecanlookatsometoday.”IkissSofia’shead.“ImeantwhatIsaid,I’lldowhatevermakesherhappy.Iknowyoumakeherhappy,soI’llworkwithyou.”
“Canweallagreetocallatruce?”Reedsays,lettingoutahugesigh.
“Wecanallagree,”Caseyreplies,lookingatmyuncleMatthew.“Gottosay.”Hesmirks.“Itwasgoodsparringwithyou.Youshouldcomedowntothefarm.Icanteachyouhowtoshoot.”
“Youshouldcomebymyhockeyarena.Icanteachyoutoskate,”myunclefiresback,laughing.“Boughtahockeyteam.”Heshakeshishead.“Goodmove.”
“Ineedadrink,”Oliviastates.“Let’shavesomesweettea.”
“Oh,Iliketea,”myauntZarasays.
ThegirlsallgetupandIseethemenarealltalkingtoeachother.“Well.”IlookdownatSofia.“Niceplaywiththebag,isitempty?”
ShelooksupatmeandIseehersmirk.“Ofcourseitis,youthoughtIcouldpackabaginthreeminutes?”
Ithrowmyheadbackandlaugh.“Youwerealwaysmine,”Itellher,“andnowI’mtakingyou.”Ikissherlipsandwrapmyarmsaroundher.epilogueone
Matthew
NineMonthsLater
“Youreallythinkthisisagoodidea?”SofiaasksasIwalkoutofthebathroom.Runningmyhandsthroughmywethair,Ilookovertoherstandinginfrontofthefull-lengthmirror.Sheiswearingblueshortsandawhitetanktop.HerskinlookslikethesunjustkisseditandIknowthetanisfromspendingthelastfourdaysridingherhorse.
“Absolutelynot.”Ishakemyhead.“ThereisnotonethingIthinkisgoodaboutmyfamily,andbymyfamilyImeanthewholecircus,meetingyourfamily.”IwalktowardherasIbenddownandkissherlips.“WhendidyouthinkIthoughtthiswasagoodidea?”Ithenkissherbareshoulderasshejustlooksatmeinthemirror.“IthinkIevenshookmyheadwhileyouweretalkingaboutthisatChristmastime.”Fromthetimewehadtheshowdownwithherfamily,we’veneverbeenapart,well,exceptforwhenI’vebeenontheroad.
“Iwasdrunk,”shehuffsatme,“andnervousaboutmeetingeveryone.HowwasIsupposedtoknowthatMatthewseniorwouldhavecalledmygrandfather?Theyweretalkingaboutthehugefamilyvacation.Doyouthinkitdawnedonmethathewouldgetsoexcitedaboutourfamilyreunion,hewouldthinkitwasagoodideatobeincluded?”Ican’thelpbutlaughatherassheglaresatme.
“Itoldyouthosetwotogetherwasnotagoodidea,andthenyouthrowinmyuncleMaxandit’sarecipefordisaster.”Iputmyhandsonherhips,standingbehindher.“Youhadtohaveknown.Fuck,everyonenowownsahorse.Ican’tevenpicturethemridingahorse.Myfathersentmeahorse’spicturetheotherday,askingmeifitwasagoodbreed.It’slikeAutotraderbutforhorses.”
Thedoorbellringsandwebothlookateachother.Ikissheroncemoreontheneckbeforewalkingoutandtothefrontdoor.Thetophalfofthedoorisallglass,somethingwearegoingtohavetochangeforthenexttime.Yesterday,Iwalkedoutinmyboxersandhercousinwaslookingintothewindow.Today,it’smyfather’sturn.“It’smyfather,”Isayovermyshouldertowardthebedroomarea.
Iunlockthedoor,somethingapparentlytheydon’tdoherebecause,well,theyknoweveryone,andbesides,whoisgoingtobreakintoyourhouse?“Hi,”IgreetwhenIopenthedoorandmyfatherstepsin,huggingmewithonehandbeforekissingmyhead,justlikehedidwhenIwasakid.
“Hey,”hereplies,lookingaround,“isthecoastclear?”
“She’sinthebedroom.”MyvoiceislowasIlooktomakesuresheisn’tnearby.“Iseverythingokay?”
“Everythingissetup,”heconfirmsandthensmilesovermyshoulder.“Hi,”hesays,andIlookovertoseeSofiawalkingintotheroom.Shecomesoverandgivesmydadahugandakissonthecheek.
“Youready?”heasks,andshenodsherhead.
“AsreadyasI’lleverbe,Iguess,”shegrumblesasshegrabsherphoneandputsitinherpocket.Wewalkoutintotheglorioussunnyday,herhandslippingintomine.“Thisisgoingtobesomuchfun,”shesayssarcasticallyandevenmyfatherlaughs.
“WhereisZoe?”Sofiaasks.
“Shewaswithyourmotherandauntsthismorning.Theywereshowingthegirlshowtobakesomething,butthenIthinkIheardtherewassomesweetteainvolved.”Heshrugs.“Sonooneeatthosecookies.”
WealllaughasIopenthebackdoorofthetruckforSofiatogetintoit.IstepinandkissherbeforeIclosethedoorandhopintothefrontpassengerside.Myfootmovesupanddownwithnerves,todayisabigdayinmorewaysthanIcanputintowords.Whenweareclosetohergrandparents’farm,Ispotwhatseemstobeoverahundredcars.“Holyshit,”Sofiasqueaksfromtheback.IglanceatwhatsheislookingatandseethatmyunclesMatthewandMaxareridinghorseswithCaseyandReed.“Whyaren’ttheyusingasaddle?”sheasksandmyfatherlaughs.
“It’snotmanlyenough.”Myfatherlooksbackather.“Whenyourfathergotonthehorsebygrabbingontoitsmane,well,Matthewtriedandalmostkickedhimselfintheface.Maxfellonhisass.Ittookovertenminutestofinallygetonthehorse.”
MyfatherstopsthecarnexttothefourmenandIpressthebuttontoopenthewindow.“Hey,”Isay,givingthemthechinup.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“We’rebarebacking,”Maxstates,andIcringe.
“Neversaythatagain.”Ishakemyhead.
“Youknow,yourballsaregoingtobeinyourthroat.”Myfatherleansovermetotellthem.
“Wearefine,”Matthewsays,wincing,“goaway.”
Myfatherpullsoverandparksthetruck.Igetoutandlookovertoseethefourofthemtrottingsomewhereinthedistance,andIwonderiftheyhaveeverythingset.“What’swrongwithyou?”Sofiaasksasshecomesovertostandnexttome.Ilookather.“Youlooklikeyouaregoingtothrowupandthensomeoneisgoingtokickyouintheballs.”
“It’stheotherwayaround,”myfatherjokes,slappingmyshoulder,“firstyoukickhimintheballsandthenhethrowsup.”
“I’mfine,”Ilietoher.I’mnotfine.I’mtheoppositeoffine.IfeellikeI’mgoingtothrowup,andIamnotsurehowmuchlongerIcanholdoffwithouteithervomitingorspillingthesecret.
“Weneedtogetyousomesmellingsalts,”myfathermumblestomeashewalksaheadofmetowardhergrandparents’house.I’vebeenherebeforeonaSunday,andifIthoughtmyfamilySundaydinnerswereloudandcrazy,IhavetogiveittoSofia’sfamily.Everyoneishere,everysingletime.Kidsrunaroundinthedistance,theolderkidsridinghorsesandracing.Theadultssitaround,scatteredthroughoutthebigbackyardattheroundwoodentables.Hergrandparentssitatone,justlookingoutateverythingthey’vegot.
WhenIwalkintotheyard,it’sthesame,exceptthistimethepeoplearedoubleasIlookoverandseemyauntssittingwithSofia’saunts,thewholetableofwomenlaughingatsomething.MyuncleEvanandJustinstandbehindthemastheyjustshaketheirheads.
“GosayhellotoCharlotteandBilly.”MyfathernudgesmetowardthetablewhereBillyandCharlottesit,butthistimetheyarewithmygrandparents.
“Theretheyare,”mygrandfatherCoopersays,gettingupandwalkingovertous.Heopenshisarmsforme,andIgivehimahug.“Yougetmorebeautifuleverytime,”hedeclares,lookingoveratSofiaandhuggingheraswell.
“Takesaftermywife,”Billystates,gettingupfollowedbyCharlotteandmygrandmother.
Sofiagoesovertohergrandfatherandhugshim,thenkisseshergrandmother.“Hi.”Shesmilesatmygrandmotherandhugsher.“Areyouhavingagoodtime?”sheasksandmygrandmotherlaughs.
“Weweresittingdown,explainingthefamilytreetothem,”shesays.“It’salotofpeople.”
IlookaroundandslipmyhandinSofia’s.“Let’sgoforawalk,”Isuggest,andshejustsmilesupatme.
“Havefun,”ourgrandparentssayatthesametimeandthenlaugh.
“What’sgoingonwiththeaunts?”Iaskovermyshoulder.
“TheygotintothespecialsweetteathatBillysavesforthemen,”Charlotteexplains.
“Youshouldhavebeenheretwentyminutesago.Theywereallrollingonthelawn,”mygrandmothersays,laughing
“Shouldwesayhellotoeveryone?”Sofiaasks.Welookoverandseemycousinswithmyaunts,andtheyaretakingsipsofaglassandpassingitaround.“Isayno.”
Ijustlaugh.“Canyoutakemetothecreek?”Iaskandshesmilesatme.
“Youareobsessedwiththatcreek,”sheremarks,andI’mnotreallyobsessedwithit.
“I’mobsessedwiththewayyoureyeslightupwhenyouarenearit,”Ifillherinaswewalkpastthebarn,“andthewayyousmilesocontentlythatyouletoutalittlesigh.”Shesmilesoveratme.
Wewalkthroughthetrees,thesoundoftwigssnappingunderourfeetaswewalkthroughthedensetrees.Thesuniskeptoutandyoucanheareverysinglebirdchirpinginthedistance.“Isn’titpeaceful,”SofiaobservesandallIcandoisnodmyhead.
“Whatintheworld?”Sofiasaysasshestopswalking.Ilookupandseetherearetreesthathavetwinklelightswrappedaroundthem.“Whatisthis?”Shemovesherfeetslowlyasshemakesittotheclearingandseesalotoftwinklelightsarealloverthetrees.
Istandinthemiddleoftheclearingassheturnsinacircleandtakesinallthelights.“Doyouthinktheydidthisforyourfamily?”sheasksassheturnstofaceme.
Theminutehereyesmeetmine,Ibendtooneknee.“Sofia,”Isay,andshegaspsandputsbothhandsoverhermouth.
“Whatisgoingon?”Shetakesastepback.
AllIcandoissmileather.“FromthemomentIlaideyesonyou.”Itiltmyheadtotheside.“IknewtwosecondslaterIhadtoknowwhoyouwere.”Shelaughsatthatlittlejoke.
“Matthew.”Shesaysmynamebetweentearsandabeamingsmile.
“Marryme.”Iclosemyeyes.“AfterallthewaysIpracticedaskingyouthis,theonlytwowordsIcanrememberarethosetwo.”Ishakemyhead.“WhenIwasgettingreadytoproposetoyou,Iwenttomyfatherandtoldhim.Hecamewithmetoaskyourfatherforyourhandinmarriage.”
“Ohmy,”shesays,herlaughterfillingtheforest.
“Yeah,well,hesaidno.”Ishakemyhead,thinkingofwhenhesnappedoutno,butthenHazelcameintotheroom,andhechangedhismind.“Luckilyforhim,Iwasgoingtodoitnomatterwhathesaid.”Itakeouttheblackboxfrommypocket.“Whenitwastimetopickyourring,well,everyoneshowedup.Therewassomeback-and-forthanditwasanightmare,butallIwantedwastotellyouwhenIgothome.AllIwantedtodowasslipitonyourhandandaskyoutobemineforever.AllIeverwantisforyoutobemine.”Ismileupather.“Sofia,youhavemademydreamscometruebygivingmeanotherchance.Youhaveshownmewhattruelovereallymeans.Youhaveshownmewhatitfeelsliketobelovedunconditionally.Iwanttohavebabieswithyou.Iwanttoridehorseswithyou.Iwanttoholdyourhandwhenyouarehappyandraiseyouupwhenyouaresad.Iwantitall,Sofia,andIwantitwithnoonebutyou.”Iopentheboxandshegasps.“Sowhatdoyousay,Sofia?Willyoumarrymeandmakemethehappiestmanintheworld?”
Shedoesn’tanswerbecauseshe’stoobusychargingatmeandwrappingherarmsaroundmyneck.TheringboxfliesoutofmyhandasImakesureshedoesn’tfalltotheside,butindoingsoIwatchtheringliterallyflythroughtheair.“OhmyGod!”Sofiashrieks.
“Thering!”sheyells,andIhearvoicesnow.
“Hehadonejob,”IhearReedsayfromtheforest.
“Shechargedhim.”Ihearmyfathernow.“Washesupposedtoletherfall?”Ishakemyheadandlookoverattheboxandtheringthatisrightnexttoit.
“Hefoundit,yousee,”myfatherstates.
“Thiswassupposedtobejustthetwoofus,”Itellher,andallshedoesissmileatme.
“Iwouldn’twantitanyotherway,”shereplies,holdingmyfaceandkissingmylips.
“Shouldwegoandcongratulatethemnow?”IhearmyuncleMaxsay.
“Shedidn’tsayyesyet,”Caseygrowls.“Shecanstillsayno.”
“Sheisn’tgoingtosayno,”myuncleMatthewpfftsout.“She’skissinghim.”
“I’mnotsayingno!”Sofianowyellsoverhershoulder.“Iwillnever,eversayno.”
“Isthatafact?”Iask,andIjustsmirk.“SoifIsaid,let’sgetmarriedtoday?”
“Hedidnot,”Reedgroans.“Didhejust—”
“Matthew,”shesays,andIholdupmyhand.
“WhatifIsaidItookcareofeverythingandallyouhavetodoischoosethedress?”Ilookather,seeingtheshockinhereyes.
“How—howdidyoudoallthis?”sheasks,andIhearlaughing.
“Howdoyouthinkhedid?”Shelooksovermyshoulderandtheretheyare,thewomenwhohavemadeallthishappen:Shelby,Clarabella,Presley,andAddison.
“Sowhatdoyousay?”Iaskagain.“Wanttogetmarried?”
***
Sometimelater…
“CanIcomein?”amalevoicesaysashestickshisheadin.“Icomewithgifts,”hesays,andIstandandlookatStefano,whoisMatthew’scousin.
He’ssixfootfourwithblackhairandgreeneyes.He’swearingtanpantswithawhiteshirtandatanvest,andIhavetowonderifhe’spartofthebridalparty.Idon’tevenhaveachancetosayanythingwhenIhearAddisonnexttomegasp.
Stefano’seyesgofrommeandthentoAddison.“OhmyGod,”IhearAddisonsayassheputsherhandtohermouth.“It’syou.”
ThecoloronStefano’sfacedrainsandhelookslikehe’sseenaghost.“You,”hesaysinawhisper.Myheadgoesbackandforthtohimandthentoher.Nooneelseintheroomrealizeswhatisgoingon.I’mabouttoaskthemiftheyknoweachotherwhenIhearAveryshriek.
“Momma,Momma,”shesays,lookingupather,“Igettowearaprincessdress.”Sheturnsaroundinacircleononefootstumblingwhileshelooksatmeandit’sthenmymouthhitsthefloor.
“OhmyGod,”Stefanosays,puttinghishandtohismouth.
“Stefano.”Ihearsomeonecallhim,andturningIseeawomancomingintotheroom.“Baby,wheredidyougo?”shesays,slippingherhandthroughhis.“Whodowehavehere?”
THEEND
WantmoreofMattyandSofia?
SignupforNatasha’snewsletterandhavetheexclusivecontentdeliveredstraighttoyourinbox!
Clickheretosignup!
***
DearestLove,
OhmyGod.Whosawthatcoming?
IcantellyouthatIdidnot.
Addisonhascomeface-to-facewithherbabydaddy.
Itwasamomentshe’salwaysdreamedof.
Whatshedidn’tdreamofiscomingface-to-facewithhimandhisgirlfriend.
Whatishegoingtosaywhenhefindsouthe’sadad?
Whatisshegoingtodowhentheyhavetoco-parent?
Willheendupmarryinghisgirlfriend?
Willsheplanhisweddingforthem?
Onlytimewilltell.
XOXO
Love,NM
Pre-OrderMineToPromisecomingSeptember8thhere!meetnatashamadison
Whenhernoseisn’tburiedinabook,orherfingersflyingacrossakeyboardwriting,she’sinthekitchencreatinggourmetmeals.Youcanfindher,infourinchheelsnoless,inthecarchauffeuringkids,orpossiblywithherhusbandschedulinghisbusinesstrips.
Iwouldlovetokeepintouchwithyou!
Website
Reader’sGroup
Facebook
Instagram
BookBub
Goodreads
TikTokalsobynatashamadison
SouthernWeddingSeries
MineToKiss
MineToHave
MineToHold
MineToCherish
MineToLove
MineToTake
MineToPromise
MinetoHonor
MineToKeep
MadeForSeries
MadeForMe
MadeForYou
MadeForUs
MadeForRomeo
MadeForStone
TheOnlyOneSeries
OnlyOneKiss
OnlyOneChance
OnlyOneNight
OnlyOneTouch
OnlyOneRegret
OnlyOneMistake
OnlyOneLove
OnlyOneForever
SouthernSeries
SouthernChance
SouthernComfort
SouthernStorm
SouthernSunrise
SouthernHeart
SouthernHeat
SouthernSecrets
SouthernSunshine
ThisIsSeries
ThisIsCrazy
ThisIsWild
ThisIsLove
ThisIsForever
HollywoodRoyaltySeries
HollywoodPlayboy
HollywoodPrincess
HollywoodPrince
SomethingSoSeries
SomethingSoRight
SomethingSoPerfect
SomethingSoIrresistible
SomethingSoUnscripted
SomethingSoBOXSET
TemptSeries
TemptTheBoss
TemptThePlayboy
TemptTheHookup
TemptTheEx
Heaven&HellSeries
HellandBack
PiecesofHeaven
Heaven&HellBoxSet
LoveSeries
PerfectLoveStory
UnexpectedLoveStory
BrokenLoveStory
MixedUpLove
FauxPas
UntilBrandonfreebook!
DoyouwantaFREEbookthatisnotavailableonanyotherretailers?Grabithere!