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ForUm-maandAp-bah,forallyoursacrificeandlove
hyperbaricoxygenation:theadministrationofoxygenatgreaterthannormalatmosphericpressure.Theprocedureisperformedinspeciallydesignedchambersthatpermitthedeliveryof100%oxygenatatmosphericpressurethatisthreetimesnormal…Factorslimitingtheusefulnessofhyperbaricoxygenationincludethehazardsoffireandexplosivedecompression…Alsocalledhyperbaricoxygentherapy—Mosby’sMedicalDictionary,9thedition(2013)THEINCIDENT
MiracleCreek,Virginia
Tuesday,August26,2008
MYHUSBANDASKEDMETOLIE.Notabiglie.Heprobablydidn’tevenconsideritalie,andneitherdidI,atfirst.Itwassuchasmallthing,whathewanted.Thepolicehadjustreleasedtheprotesters,andwhilehesteppedouttomakesuretheyweren’tcomingback,Iwastositinhischair.Coverforhim,thewaycoworkersdoasamatterofcourse,thewayweourselvesusedtoatthegrocerystore,whileIateorhesmoked.ButasItookhisseat,Ibumpedagainstthedesk,andthecertificateaboveitwentslightlycrookedasiftoremindmethatthiswasn’taregularbusiness,thattherewasareasonhe’dneverleftmeinchargebefore.
Pakreachedovermetostraightentheframe,hiseyesontheEnglishlettering:PakYoo,MiracleSubmarineLLC,CertifiedHyperbaricTechnician.Hesaid—eyesstillonthecertificate,asiftalkingtoit,nottome—“Everything’sdone.Thepatientsaresealedin,theoxygen’son.Youjusthavetosithere.”Helookedatme.“That’sit.”
Ilookedoverthecontrols,theunfamiliarknobsandswitchesforthechamberwe’dpaintedbabyblueandplacedinthisbarnjustlastmonth.“Whatifthepatientsbuzzme?”Isaid.“I’llsayyou’llberightback,but—”
“No,theycan’tknowI’mgone.Ifanyoneasks,I’mhere.I’vebeenherethewholetime.”
“Butifsomethinggoeswrongand—”
“Whatcouldgowrong?”Paksaid,hisvoiceforcefullikeacommand.“I’llberightback,andtheywon’tbuzzyou.Nothingwillhappen.”Hewalkedaway,asifthatwastheendofthematter.Butatthedoorway,helookedbackatme.“Nothingwillhappen,”hesaidagain,softer.Itsoundedlikeaplea.
Assoonasthebarndoorbangedshut,Iwantedtoscreamthathewascrazytoexpectnothingtogowrongonthisday,ofalldays,whensomuchhadgonewrong—theprotesters,theirsabotageplan,theresultingpoweroutage,thepolice.Didhethinksomuchhadalreadyhappenedthatnothingmorecould?Butlifedoesn’tworklikethat.Tragediesdon’tinoculateyouagainstfurthertragedies,andmisfortunedoesn’tgetsprinkledoutinfairproportions;badthingsgethurledatyouinclumpsandbatches,unmanageableandmessy.Howcouldhenotknowthat,aftereverythingwe’dbeenthrough?
From8:02to8:14p.m.,Isatandsaidnothing,didnothing,likeheasked.Sweatdampenedmyface,andIthoughtaboutthesixpatientssealedinsidewithoutair-conditioning(thegeneratoroperatedthepressurization,oxygen,andintercomsystemsonly)andthankedGodfortheportableDVDplayertokeepthekidscalm.Iremindedmyselftotrustmyhusband,andIwaited,checkingtheclock,thedoor,thentheclockagain,prayingforhimtoreturn(hehadto!)beforeBarneyendedandthepatientsbuzzedforanotherDVD.Justastheshow’sclosingsongstarted,myphonerang.Pak.
“They’rehere,”hewhispered.“Ineedtostandwatch,makesuretheydon’ttryanythingagain.Youneedtoturnofftheoxygenwhenthesessionends.Youseetheknob?”
“Yes,but—”
“Turnitcounterclockwise,alltheway,tight.Setyouralarmsoyouwon’tforget.8:20bythebigclock.”Hehungup.
ItouchedtheknobmarkedOXYGEN,adiscoloredbrassthecolorofthesqueakyfaucetinouroldapartmentinSeoul.Itsurprisedmehowcoolitfelt.Isynchronizedmywatchtotheclock,setmyalarmto8:20,andfoundtheALARMONbutton.Rightthen,justasIstartedpressingthetinynub—that’swhentheDVDbatterydiedandIdroppedmyhands,startled.
Ithinkaboutthatmomentalot.Thedeaths,theparalysis,thetrial—mightallthathavebeenavertedifI’dpressedthebutton?It’sstrange,Iknow,thatmymindkeepsreturningtothisparticularlapse,givenmybigger,moreblameworthymistakesofthatnight.Perhapsit’spreciselyitssmallness,itsseeminginsignificance,thatgivesitpowerandfuelsthewhat-ifs.WhatifIhadn’tlettheDVDdistractme?WhatifI’dmovedmyfingeramicrosecondmorequickly,managedtoturnonthealarmbeforetheDVDdied,mid-song?Iloveyou,youloveme,we’reahap-pyfam-i—
Theblanknessofthatmoment,thecategoricalabsenceofsound,denseandoppressive—itpressedin,squeezedmefromallsides.Whennoisefinallycame—arap-rap-rapofknucklesagainsttheportholefrominsidethechamber—Iwasalmostrelieved.ButtheknockingintensifiedintofistsbanginginthreesasifchantingLetmeout!incode,thenintofull-onpounding,andIrealized:ithadtobeTJ’sheadbanging.TJ,theautisticboywhoadoresBarneythepurpledinosaur,whorantomethefirsttimewemetandhuggedmetight.Hismotherhadbeenamazed,saidheneverhugsanyone(hehatestouchingpeople),andmaybeit’smyshirt,theexactshadeofpurpleasBarney.I’veworntheshirteverydaysince;Ihand-washiteverynightandputitonforhissessions,andeveryday,hehugsme.EveryonethinksI’mbeingkind,butI’mreallydoingitforme,becauseIcravethewayhisarmswraparoundandsqueezeme—thewaymydaughter’susedto,beforeshestartedleaningawayfrommyhugs,herarmslimp.Ilovekissinghishead,thefuzzofhisredhairticklingmylips.Andnow,thatboywhosehugsIsavorwasbeatinghisheadonasteelwall.
Hewasn’tcrazy.HismotherhadexplainedthatTJhaschronicpainfromintestinalinflammation,buthecan’ttalk,andwhenitgetstoomuch,hedoestheonlythinghecanforrelief:hebangshishead,usingthenew,acutepaintodriveouttheoldone.It’slikehavinganitchyoucan’tstandandscratchingsoharditbleeds,howgoodthatpainfeels,exceptmultipliedbyahundred.Once,shetoldme,TJputhisfacethroughawindow.Ittormentedme,thethoughtofthiseight-year-oldboyinsomuchpainthatheneededtobashhisheadagainststeel.
Andthesoundofthatpain—thepounding,againandagain.Thepersistence,theincreasinginsistence.Eachthudsetoffvibrationsthatreverberatedandbuiltintosomethingcorporeal,withformandmass.Ittraveledthroughme.Ifeltitrumbleagainstmyskin,joltingmyinsidesanddemandingmyhearttomatchitsrhythm,tobeatfaster,harder.
Ihadtomakeitstop.That’smyexcuse.Forrunningoutofthebarnandleavingsixpeopletrappedinasealedchamber.Iwantedtodepressurizeandopenit,getTJoutofthere,butIdidn’tknowhow.Besides,whentheintercombuzzed,TJ’smotherbeggedme(or,rather,Pak)nottostopthedive,she’dcalmhimdown,butplease,fortheloveofGod,putinnewbatteriesandrestarttheBarneyDVDnow!Therewerebatteriessomewhereinourhousenextdoor,onlyatwenty-secondrunaway,andIhadfiveminutestoturnofftheoxygen.SoIleft.Icoveredmymouthtomufflemyvoiceandsaidinalow,heavilyaccentedvoicelikePak’s,“Wewillreplacebatteries.Waitfewminutes,”thenIranout.
Thedoortoourhousewasajar,andIfeltaflashofwildhopethatMarywashome,cleaninguplikeI’dtoldherto,andfinally,somethingwouldgorighttoday.ButIsteppedin,andshewasn’tthere.Iwasalone,withnoideawherethebatterieswereandnoonetohelp.ItwaswhatI’dexpectedallalong,yetthatsecondofhopehadbeenenoughtoshootmyexpectationshighintotheskyandsendthemcrashingdown.Keepcalm,Itoldmyself,andstartedmysearchinthegraysteelwardrobeweusedforstorage.Coats.Manuals.Cords.Nobatteries.WhenIslammedthedoor,thewardrobewobbled,itsflimsymetalwarblingandboominglikeanechoofTJ’spounding.Ipicturedhisheadhammeringsteel,crackingopenlikearipewatermelon.
Ishookmyheadtoexpelthethought.“Meh-hee-yah.”IyelledoutMary’sKoreanname,whichshehates.Noanswer.Iknewtherewouldn’tbe,butitinfuriatedmejustthesame.Iyelled“Meh-hee-yah”again,louder,elongatingthesyllablestoletthemgratemythroat,needingittohurtanddriveoutthephantomechoesofTJ’spoundingringinginmyears.
Isearchedtherestofthehouse,boxbybox.Witheachpassingsecondofnotfindingthebatteries,myfrustrationgrew,andIthoughtaboutourfightthismorning,mytellinghersheshoulddomoretohelp—shewasseventeen!—andherwalkingoutwithoutaword.IthoughtaboutPaksidingwithher,asalways.(“Wedidn’tgiveupeverythingandcometoAmericasoshecouldcookandclean,”healwayssays.“No,that’smyjob,”Iwanttosay.ButIneverdo.)IthoughtofMary’seye-rolls,herheadphonesonherears,pretendingnottohearme.Anythingtokeepmyangeractivated,tooccupymymindandkeepoutthepounding.Myireatmydaughterwasfamiliarandcomfortable,likeanoldblanket.Itsoothedmypanicintoadullanxiety.
WhenIgottotheboxinMary’ssleepingcorner,Iforcedthecrisscrossedtopflapsopenanddumpedeverythingout.Teenagejunk:tornticketstomoviesI’dneverseen,picturesoffriendsI’dnevermet,astackofnotes,thetoponeinahurriedscrawl—Iwaitedforyou.Maybetomorrow?
Iwantedtoscream.Wherewerethebatteries?(Andinthebackofmymind:Who’dwrittenthenote?Aboy?Waitedtodowhat?)Justthen,myphonerang—Pakagain—andIsaw8:22onthescreenandremembered.Thealarm.Theoxygen.
WhenIanswered,ImeanttoexplainhowIhadn’tturnedofftheoxygenbutwouldsoon,andthatwasnobigdeal,hesometimesrantheoxygenoveranhour,right?Butmywordscameoutdifferently.Likevomit—outpouringinonestream,uncontrollable.“Maryisnowhere,”Isaid.“We’redoingallthisforher,andshe’sneverhere,andIneedher,IneedherhelptofindnewDVDbatteriesbeforeTJbustshisheadopen.”
“Youalwaysthinktheworstofher,butshe’shere,helpingme,”hesaid.“Andthebatteriesareunderthehousekitchensink,butdon’tleavethepatients.I’llsendMarytograbthem.Mary,go,rightnow.TakefourDbatteriestothebarn.I’llcomeinonemin—”
Ihungup.Sometimesit’sbettertosaynothing.
Irantothekitchensink.Thebatteriesweretherelikehesaid,inabagI’dassumedwastrash,underworkglovescoveredindirtandsoot.Theywerecleanjustyesterday.WhathadPakbeendoing?
Ishookmyhead.Thebatteries.IhadtohurrybacktoTJ.
WhenIranoutside,anunfamiliarscent—likecharredwetwood—permeatedtheairandstungmynose.Itwasgettingdark,hardertosee,butIsawPakinthedistance,runningtowardthebarn.
Marywasaheadofhim,sprinting.Icalledout,“Mary,slowdown.Ifoundthebatteries,”butshekeptrunning,nottowardthehouse,buttothebarn.“Mary,stop,”Isaid,butshedidn’t.Sheranpastthebarndoor,tothebackside.Ididn’tknowwhy,butitscaredme,herbeingthere,andIcalledagain,herKoreannamethistime,softer.“Meh-hee-yah,”Isaid,andrantoher.Sheturned.Somethingaboutherfacestoppedme.Itseemedtoglowsomehow.Anorangelightcoatedherskinandshimmeredasifshewerestandingdirectlyinfrontofthesettingsun.Iwantedtotouchherfaceandtellher,“Youarebeautiful.”
Fromherdirection,Iheardanoise.Itsoundedlikecrackling,butsofterandmuffled,thewayaflockofgeesemightsoundtakingoffforflight,hundredsofwingsflappingatoncetoscamperskyward.IthoughtIsawthem,acurtainofgrayripplinginthewindandrisinghigherandhigherintheduskyvioletsky,butIblinked,andtheskywasempty.Irantowardthesound,andIsawitthen,whatshe’dseenbutIhadn’t,whatshe’druntoward.
Flames.
Smoke.
Thebackwallofthebarn—onfire.
Idon’tknowwhyIdidn’trunorscream,whyMarydidn’t,either.Iwantedto.ButIcouldonlywalkslowly,carefully,onestepatatime,gettingcloser,myeyestransfixedbytheflamesinorangeandred—fluttering,leaping,andswitchingplaceslikepartnersinastepdance.
Whentheboomsounded,mykneesbuckledandIfell.ButInevertookmyeyesoffmydaughter.Everynight,whenIturnoffthelightandclosemyeyesforsleep,Iseeher,myMeh-hee,inthatmoment.Herbodyflingsuplikearagdollandarcsthroughtheair.Gracefully.Delicately.Justbeforeshelandsonthegroundwithasoftthud,Iseeherponytail,bouncinghigh.Thewayitusedtowhenshewasalittlegirl,jumpingrope.
AYEARLATER
THETRIAL:DAYONE
Monday,August17,2009
YOUNGYOO
SHEFELTLIKEABRIDEwalkingintothecourtroom.Certainly,herweddingwasthelasttime—theonlytime—thataroomfulofpeoplehadfallensilentandturnedtostareassheentered.Ifitweren’tforthevarietyinhaircolorandthesnippetsofwhispersinEnglishasshewalkeddowntheaisle—“Look,theowners,”“Thedaughterwasinacomaformonths,poorthing,”“He’sparalyzed,soawful”—shemighthavethoughtshewasstillinKorea.
Thesmallcourtroomevenlookedlikeanoldchurch,withcreakywoodenpewsonbothsidesoftheaisle.Shekeptherheaddown,justasshehadatherweddingtwentyyearsago;shewasn’tusuallythefocusofattention,anditfeltwrong.Modesty,blendingin,invisibility:thosewerethevirtuesofwives,notnotorietyandgaudiness.Wasn’tthatwhybridesworeveils—toprotectthemfromstares,tomutetherednessoftheircheeks?Sheglancedtothesides.Ontheright,behindtheprosecution,sheglimpsedfamiliarfaces,thoseoftheirpatients’families.
Thepatientshadallgatheredtogetheronlyonce:lastJuly,attheorientationoutsidethebarn.Herhusbandhadopenedthedoorstoshowthefreshlypaintedbluechamber.“This,”Paksaid,lookingproud,“isMiracleSubmarine.Pureoxygen.Deeppressure.Healing.Together.”Everyoneclapped.Motherscried.Andnow,herewerethesamepeople,somber,thehopeofmiraclegonefromtheirfaces,replacedbythecuriosityofpeoplereachingfortabloidsinsupermarketlines.Thatandpity—forherorthemselves,shedidn’tknow.She’dexpectedanger,buttheysmiledasshewalkedby,andshehadtoremindherselfthatshewasavictimhere.Shewasnotthedefendant,nottheonetheyblamedfortheexplosionthatkilledtwopatients.ShetoldherselfwhatPaktoldhereveryday—theirabsencefromthebarnthatnightdidn’tcausethefire,andhecouldn’thavepreventedtheexplosionevenifhe’dstayedwiththepatients—andtriedtosmileback.Theirsupportwasagoodthing.Sheknewthat.Butitfeltundeserved,wrong,likeaprizewonbycheating,andinsteadofbuoyingher,itweighedherdownwithworrythatGodwouldseeandcorrecttheinjustice,makeherpayforherliessomeotherway.
WhenYoungreachedthewoodenrailing,shefoughtherimpulsetohopacrossandsitatthedefensetable.Shesatwithherfamilybehindtheprosecutor,nexttoMattandTeresa,twoofthepeopletrappedinMiracleSubmarinethatnight.Shehadn’tseentheminalongtime,notsincethehospital.Butnoonesaidhi.Theyalllookeddown.Theywerethevictims.
THECOURTHOUSEWASinPineburg,thetownnexttoMiracleCreek.Itwasstrange,thenames—theoppositeofwhatyou’dexpect.MiracleCreekdidn’tlooklikeaplacewheremiraclestookplace,unlessyoucountedthemiracleofpeoplelivingthereforyearswithoutgoinginsanefromboredom.The“Miracle”nameanditsmarketingpossibilities(pluscheapland)haddrawnthemtheredespitetherebeingnootherAsians—noimmigrantsatall,probably.ItwasonlyanhourfromWashington,D.C.,aneasydrivefromdenseconcentrationsofmodernitysuchasDullesAirport,butithadtheisolatedfeelofavillagehoursfromcivilization,anentirelydifferentworld.Dirttrailsinsteadofconcretesidewalks.Cowsratherthancars.Decrepitwoodenbarns,notsteel-and-glasshigh-rises.Likesteppingintoagrainyblack-and-whitefilm.Ithadthatfeelofbeingusedanddiscarded;thefirsttimeYoungsawit,shehadanimpulsetofindeverybitoftrashinherpocketsandthrowitasfarasshecould.
Pineburg,despiteitsplainnameandproximitytoMiracleCreek,wascharming,itsnarrowcobblestonestreetslinedwithchalet-styleshops,eachpaintedadifferentbrightcolor.LookingatMainStreet’srowofshopsremindedYoungofherfavoritemarketinSeoul,itslegendaryproducerow—spinachgreen,pepperred,beetpurple,persimmonorange.Fromitsdescription,shewould’vethoughtitgarish,butitwastheopposite—asifputtingthebrashcolorstogethersubduedeachone,sotheoverallfeelwaselegantandlovely.
Thecourthousewasatthebaseofaknoll,flankedbygrapevinesplantedinstraightlinesupthehill.Thegeometricprecisionprovidedameasuredcalm,anditseemedfittingthatabuildingofjusticewouldstandamidtheorderedrowsofvines.
Thatmorning,gazingatthecourthouse,itstallwhitecolumns,Younghadthoughthowthiswastheclosestshe’dbeentotheAmericashe’dexpected.InKorea,afterPakdecidedsheshouldmovetoBaltimorewithMary,she’dgonetobookstoresandlookedthroughpicturesofAmerica—theCapitol,Manhattanskyscrapers,InnerHarbor.InherfiveyearsinAmerica,shehadn’tseenanyofthosesights.Forthefirstfouryears,she’dworkedinagrocerystoretwomilesfromInnerHarbor,butinaneighborhoodpeoplecalledthe“ghetto,”housesboardedupandbrokenbottleseverywhere.Atinyvaultofbulletproofglass:thathadbeenAmericaforher.
Itwasfunnyhowdesperateshe’dbeentoescapethatgrittyworld,andyetshemisseditnow.MiracleCreekwasinsular,withlongtimeresidents(goingbackgenerations,theysaid).Shethoughttheymightbeslowtowarm,soshefocusedonbefriendingonefamilynearbywho’dseemedespeciallynice.Butovertime,sherealized:theyweren’tnice;theywerepolitelyunfriendly.Youngknewthetype.Herownmotherhadbelongedtothisbreedofpeoplewhousedmannerstocoverupunfriendlinessthewaypeopleusedperfumetocoverupbodyodor—theworseitwas,themoretheyused.Theirstiffhyperpoliteness—thewife’sperpetualclosed-lipsmile,thehusband’sma’amatthebeginningorendofeverysentence—keptYoungatadistanceandreinforcedherstatusasastranger.AlthoughhermostfrequentcustomersinBaltimorehadbeencantankerous,cursingandcomplainingabouteverythingfromthepricesbeingtoohightothesodastoowarmanddelimeatstoothin,therewasanhonestytotheirrudeness,acomfortableintimacytotheiryelling.Likebickeringsiblings.Nothingtocoverup.
AfterPakjoinedtheminAmericalastyear,they’dlookedforhousinginAnnandale,theD.C.area’sKoreatown—amanageabledrivefromMiracleCreek.Thefirehadstoppedallthat,andtheywerestillintheir“temporary”housing.Acrumblingshackinacrumblingtownfarfromanythingpicturedinthebooks.Tothisday,thefanciestplaceYounghadbeeninAmericawasthehospitalwherePakandMaryhadlainformonthsaftertheexplosion.
THECOURTROOMWASLOUD.Notthepeople—thevictims,lawyers,journalists,andwhoknewwhoelse—butthetwoold-fashionedwindow-unitairconditionersonoppositesidesbehindthejudge.Theysputteredlikelawnmowerswhentheyswitchedonandoff,which,becausetheyweren’tsynchronized,happenedatdifferenttimes—one,thentheother,thenbackagain,likesomestrangemechanicalbeasts’matingcalls.Whentheunitsran,theyrattledandhummed,eachataslightlydifferentpitch,makingYoung’seardrumsitch.Shewantedtostickherpinkiedeepinsideherearintoherbrainandscratch.
Thelobbyplaquesaidthecourthousewasa250-year-oldhistoricallandmarkandaskedfordonationstothePineburgCourthousePreservationSociety.Younghadshakenherheadatthethoughtofthissociety,anentiregroupwhosesolepurposewastopreventthisbuildingfrombecomingmodern.Americansweresoproudofthingsbeingafewhundredyearsold,asifthingsbeingoldwereavalueinandofitself.(Ofcourse,thisphilosophydidnotextendtopeople.)Theydidn’tseemtorealizethattheworldvaluedAmericapreciselybecauseitwasnotold,butmodernandnew.Koreansweretheopposite.InSeoul,therewouldbeaModernizationSocietydedicatedtoreplacingthiscourthouse’s“antique”hardwoodfloorsandpinetableswithmarbleandsleeksteel.
“Allrise.SkylineCountyCriminalCourtnowinsession,theHonorableFrederickCarletonIIIpresiding,”thebailiffsaid,andeveryonestood.ExceptPak.Hishandsclenchedhiswheelchair’sarmrests,thegreenveinsonhishandsandwristspoppingupasifwillinghisarmstosupporthisbody’sweight.Youngstartedtohelp,butshestoppedherself,knowingthatneedinghelpforsomethingbasiclikestandingwouldbeworseforhimthannotstandingatall.Pakcaredsomuchaboutappearances,conformingtorulesandexpectations—thequintessentiallyKoreanthingsshe’dstrangelynevercaredabout(becauseherfamily’swealthaffordedhertheluxuryofbeingimmunetothem,Pakwouldsay).Still,sheunderstoodhisfrustration,beingthelonesittingfigureinthistoweringcrowd.Itmadehimvulnerable,likeachild,andshehadtofighttheurgetocloakhisbodywithherarmsandhidehisshame.
“Thecourtwillnowcometoorder.Docketnumber49621,CommonwealthofVirginiaversusElizabethWard,”thejudgesaid,andbangedthegavel.Asifbyplan,bothairconditionerswereoff,andthesoundofwoodstrikingwoodreverberatedofftheslantedceilingsandlingeredinthesilence.
Itwasofficial:Elizabethwasthedefendant.Youngfeltatingleinsideherchest,likesomedormantcellofreliefandhopehadburstandwasspreadingsparksofelectricitythroughoutherbody,zappingawaythefearthathadhijackedherlife.EventhoughalmostayearhadpassedsincePakwasclearedandElizabetharrested,Younghadn’tquitebelievedit,hadwonderedifthiswasatrick,andiftoday,asthetrialstarted,they’dannounceherandPakastherealtargets.Butnowthewaitingwasover,andafterseveraldaysofevidence—“overwhelmingevidence,”theprosecutorsaid—Elizabethwouldbefoundguilty,andthey’dgettheirinsurancemoneyandrebuildtheirlives.Nomorelivinginstasis.
Thejurorsfiledin.Younggazedatthem,thesepeople—alltwelve,sevenmenandfivewomen—whobelievedincapitalpunishmentandsworetheywerewillingtovotefordeathbylethalinjection.Younghadlearnedthislastweek.Theprosecutorhadbeeninaparticularlygoodmood,andwhensheaskedwhy,he’dexplainedthatthepotentialjurorsmostlikelytobesympathetictoElizabethhadbeendismissedbecausetheywereanti-death-penalty.
“Deathpenalty?Likehanging?”she’dsaid.
Heralarmandrevulsionmusthaveshown,becauseAbestoppedsmiling.“No,byinjection,drugsinanIV.It’spainless.”
He’dexplainedthatElizabethwouldn’tnecessarilygetdeath,itwasjustapossibility,butstill,she’ddreadedseeingElizabethhere,theterrorthatwouldsurelybeonherface,confrontingthepeoplewiththepowertoendherlife.
Now,YoungforcedherselftolookatElizabeth,atthedefensetable.Shelookedlikealawyerherself,herblondhairtwistedintoabun,darkgreensuit,pearls,pumps.Younghadalmostlookedpasther,shelookedsodifferentfrombefore—messyponytail,wrinkledsweats,unmatchedsocks.
Itwasironic—ofalltheparentsoftheirpatients,Elizabethhadbeenthemostdisheveled,andyetshe’dhadbyfarthemostmanageablechild.Henry,heronlychild,hadbeenawell-manneredboywho,unlikemanyotherpatients,couldwalk,talk,wastoilet-trained,anddidn’thavetantrums.Duringorientation,whenthemotheroftwinswithautismandepilepsyaskedElizabeth,“Sorry,butwhat’sHenryherefor?Heseemssonormal,”she’dfrownedasifoffended.Sherecitedalist—OCD,ADHD,sensoryandautismspectrumdisorders,anxiety—thensaidhowharditwas,spendingallherdaysresearchingexperimentaltreatments.Sheseemedtohavenocluehowshesoundedcomplainingwhilesurroundedbykidswithwheelchairsandfeedingtubes.
JudgeCarletonaskedElizabethtostand.SheexpectedElizabethtocryashereadthecharges,oratleastblush,hereyesdown.ButElizabethlookedstraightatthejury,hercheeksunflushed,eyesunblinking.ShestudiedElizabeth’sface,soemptyofexpression,wonderingifshewasnumb,inshock.Butinsteadoflookingvacant,Elizabethlookedserene.Almosthappy.PerhapsitwasbecauseshewassousedtoElizabeth’sworriedfrownsthattheirabsencemadeElizabethlookcontented.
Orperhapsthenewspaperswereright.PerhapsElizabethhadbeendesperatetogetridofherson,andnowthathewasdead,shefinallyhadameasureofpeace.Perhapsshehadbeenamonsterallalong.
MATTTHOMPSON
HEWOULD’VEGIVENANYTHINGnottobeheretoday.Maybenothisentirerightarm,butcertainlyoneofitsthreeremainingfingers.Hewasalreadyafreakwithmissingfingers—whatwasonemore?Hedidnotwanttoseereporters,camerasflashingwhenhemadethemistakeofcoveringhisfacewithhishands—hecringed,picturinghowtheflashwouldreflectofftheglossyscartissuecoveringthedoughyclumpthatremainedofhisrighthand.Hedidnotwanttohearwhispersof“Look,theinfertiledoctor,”orfaceAbe,theprosecutor,who’doncelookedathim,headtiltedasifstudyingapuzzle,andasked,“HaveyouandJanineconsideredadoption?IhearKoreahaslotsofhalf-whitebabies.”Hedidnotwanttochatwithhisin-laws,theChos,whotskedandloweredtheireyesinunisonatthesightofhisinjuries,orhearJaninerailatthemfortheirshameoveranyperceiveddefect,whichshe’ddiagnoseasyetanotheroftheir“typicallyKorean”prejudicesandintolerances.Mostofall,hedidnotwanttoseeanyonefromMiracleSubmarine,nottheotherpatients,notElizabeth,anddefinitely,mostcertainly,notMaryYoo
Abestoodand,walkingby,puthishandonYoung’s,drapedacrosstherailing.Hepattedgently,andshesmiled.Pakclenchedhisteeth,andwhenAbesmiledathim,Pakstretchedhislipsasiftryingtosmilebutnotquitemanagingit.MattguessedthatPak,likehisownKoreanfather-in-law,didnotapproveofAfrican-AmericansandthoughtitoneofAmerica’sgreatflawsthatithadanAfrican-Americanpresident.
He’dbeensurprisedwhenhemetAbe.MiracleCreekandPineburgseemedsoprovincialandwhite.Thejurywasallwhite.Thejudgewaswhite.Police,firemen—white.Thiswasn’tthekindofplacehe’dexpecttohaveablackprosecutor.Thenagain,itwasn’tthekindofplaceanyonewouldexpecttohaveaKoreanimmigrantrunningamini-submarineasaso-calledmedicaldevice,butthereitwas.
“Ladiesandgentlemenofthejury,mynameisAbrahamPatterley.Iamtheprosecutor.IrepresenttheCommonwealthofVirginiaagainstthedefendant,ElizabethWard.”AbepointedhisrightindexfingeratElizabeth,andshestartled,asifshehadn’tknownthatshewastheaccused.MattstaredatAbe’sindexfinger,wonderedwhatAbewoulddoifhe,likeMatt,lostit.Rightbeforetheamputation,thesurgeonhadsaid,“ThankGodyourcareer’snottooaffectedbyit.Imaginebeingapianistorsurgeon.”Matthadthoughtaboutthatalot.Whatjobcouldonehaveandnotbetooaffectedbyamputationoftherightindexandmiddlefingers?Hewould’veputlawyersinthecategoryof“nottooaffected,”butnow,lookingatElizabethwitheringunderAbe’ssimplegestureofpointingather,thepowerthatfingergaveAbe,hewasn’tsure.
“WhyisElizabethWardheretoday?You’vealreadyheardthecharges.Arson,battery,attemptedmurder.”AbestaredatElizabethbeforeturninghisbodysquaretothejurybox.“Murder.”
“Thevictimssithere,readyandeagertotellyouwhathappenedtothem”—Abemotionedtothefrontrow—“andtothedefendant’stwoultimatevictims:KittKozlowski,thedefendant’slongtimefriend,andHenryWard,thedefendant’sowneight-year-oldson,whocan’ttellyouthemselves,becausetheyaredead.
“MiracleSubmarine’soxygentankexplodedatabout8:25p.m.onAugust26,2008,startinganuncontrollablefire.Sixpeoplewereinside,threeintheimmediatearea.Twodied.Four,severelyinjured—hospitalizedformonths,paralyzed,limbsamputated.
“Thedefendantwassupposedtobeinsidewithherson.Butshewasn’t.Shetoldeveryoneshewassick.Headache,congestion,theworks.SheaskedKitt,themotherofanotherpatient,towatchHenrywhilesherested.Shetookwineshe’dpackedtothecreeknearby.Shesmokedacigaretteofthesametypeandbrandthatstartedthefire,usingthesametypeandbrandofmatchesthatstartedthefire.”
Abelookedatthejurors.“AllofwhatIjusttoldyouisundisputed.”
Abeclosedhismouthandpausedforemphasis.“Un-dis-pu-ted,”hesaid,enunciatingitlikefourseparatewords.“Thedefendanthere”—hepointedthatindexfingeragainather—“admitsallthis,thatsheintentionallystayedoutside,fakinganillness,andwhenhersonandfriendwerebeingincineratedinside,shewassippingwine,smokingusingthesamematchandcigaretteusedtosettheblast,andlisteningtoBeyoncéonheriPod.”
MATTKNEWWHYhewasthefirstwitness.Abehadexplainedtheneedforanoverview.“Hyperbarics,oxygenthisandthat,it’scomplicated.You’readoctor,youcanhelpeveryoneunderstand.Plus,youwerethere.You’reperfect.”Perfectornot,Mattresentedthehelloutofhavingtospeakfirst,tosetthescene.HeknewwhatAbethought,thatthissubmarinehealingbusinesswaskookyandhewantedtosay,Look,here’sanormalAmerican,arealM.D.fromarealmedicalschool,andhedidthis,soitcan’tbethatcrazy.
“PlaceyourlefthandontheBibleandraiseyourrighthand,”thebailiffsaid.MattplacedhisrighthandontheBible,raisedhislefthand,andlookedsquareintothebailiff’seyes.Lethimthinkhewasadumbfuckwhodidn’tknowrightfromleft.Betterthatthanshowcasinghisfreakyhand,seeeveryoneflinchandflittheireyesaroundlikebirdsaboveadumpsite,unsurewheretoland.
Abestartedeasy.WhereMattwasfrom(Bethesda,Maryland),college(Tufts),medicalschool(Georgetown),residency(same),fellowships(same),boardcertification(radiology),hospitalcredentials(Fairfax).“Now,IhavetoaskthefirstquestionIhadwhenIheardabouttheexplosion.WhatisMiracleSubmarine,andwhydoyouneedasubmarineinthemiddleofVirginia,nowhereneartheocean?”Severaljurorssmiled,asifinreliefthatothersalsowonderedthis.
Mattstretchedhislipsintoasmile.“It’snotarealsubmarine.Justdesignedlikeone,withportholesandasealedhatchandsteelwalls.It’sactuallyamedicaldevice,achamberforhyperbaricoxygentherapy.H-B-O-T,pronounced‘aitch-bot’forshort.”
“Tellushowitworks,Dr.Thompson.”
“You’resealedin,theairpressurizes1.5to3timesnormalatmosphericpressure,andyoubreatheinonehundredpercentoxygen.Thehighpressurecausestheoxygentobedissolvedatgreaterlevelsinyourblood,fluids,andtissue.Damagedcellsneedoxygentoheal,sothisdeeppenetrationofextraoxygencanresultinfasterhealingandregrowth.ManyhospitalsofferHBOT.”
“MiracleSubmarineisn’tahospitalchamber.Isthatdifferent?”
Mattthoughtofsterilehospitalchambersattendedbytechniciansinscrubs,thentheYoos’rustedchamberlyingcrookedinanoldbarn.“Notreally.Hospitalsusuallyusecleartubesforonepersontoliein.MiracleSubmarineisbigger,sofourpatientsplustheircaregiverscangointogether,makingitmuchlessexpensive.Also,privatecentersareopentotreatingoff-labelconditionsthathospitalswouldn’t.”
“Whatkindofconditions?”
“Abigvariety.Autism,cerebralpalsy,infertility,Crohn’s,neuropathies.”Mattthoughtheheardtitteringfromthebackattheconditionhe’dtriedtohideinthemiddleofthelist—infertility.OrperhapsitwasthememoryofhisownlaughterthefirsttimeJaninesuggestedHBOTafterthespermanalysis.
“Thankyou,Dr.Thompson.Now,youbecameMiracleSubmarine’sfirstpatient.Canyoutellusaboutthat?”
Boy,couldhe.Hecouldgoonatlengthaboutit,howJaninestageditperfectly,invitinghimtodinneratherparents’housewithoutonewordabouttheYoosorHBOTor,worstofall,Matt’sexpected“contribution.”Afuckingambush.
“ImetPakatmyin-laws’houselastyear,”MattsaidtoAbe.“They’refamilyfriends;myfather-in-lawandPak’sfatherarefromthesameKoreanvillage.Anyway,IlearnedthatPakwasstartinganHBOTbusiness,andmyfather-in-lawwasinvestinginthat.”They’dallbeensittingaroundthedinnertable,andtheYooshadhurriedtostandwhenMattwalkedin,asifhewereroyalty.Paklookednervous,thesharpanglesofhisfaceaccentuatedbyhistightsmile,andwhenhegrippedMatt’shandforahandshake,hisknucklesbulgedintojaggedpeaks.Young,hiswife,hadbowedslightly,eyesdowncast.Mary,theirsixteen-year-old,wasacopyofhermother,witheyesthatlookedtoobigforherdelicateface,butshe’dsmiledeasily,mischievously,asifsheknewasecretandcouldn’twaittoseehisreactionwhenhefoundout,which,ofcourse,wasexactlywhatwasabouttohappen.
AssoonasMattsatdown,Paksaid,“DoyouknowHBOT?”Thosewordswerelikethecueforawell-rehearsedperformance.EveryoneconvergedaroundMatt,leaninginconspiratorially,andspokeinturnswithoutpause.Matt’sfather-in-lawsaidhowpopularthiswaswithhisAsianacupunctureclients;JapanandKoreahadwellnesscenterswithinfraredsaunasandHBOT.Matt’smother-in-lawsaidPakhadyearsofHBOTexperienceinSeoul.JaninesaidrecentresearchshowedHBOTtobeapromisingtreatmentfornumerouschronicdiseases,didheknow?
“Whatwasyourreactiontothisbusiness?”Abeasked.
MattsawJanineputherthumbinhermouthandgnashattheflesharoundhernails.Somethingshedidwhenshewasnervous,thesamethingshedidatthatdinner,nodoubtbecausesheknewexactlywhathe’dthink.Whatalltheirhospitalfriendswouldthink.Totalcrap.Anotherofherfather’salternative,holistictherapiesthatdesperate,stupid,andcrazypatientsgotdupedinto.Mattneversaidthis,ofcourse.Mr.ChohaddisapprovedofMattenough,merelyfornotbeingKorean.IfhefoundoutthatMattregardedhiswholeprofession—allofEastern“medicine,”really—asbullshit?No.Thatwouldnotbegood.WhichwaswhyJaninehadbeenbrillianttoannouncethewholethinginfrontofherparentsandtheirfriends.
“Everyonewasexcited,”MattsaidtoAbe.“Myfather-in-law,anacupuncturistforthirtyyears,wasstandingbehindthis,andmywife,who’saninternist,verifieditspotential.ThatwasallIneededtoknow.”Janinestoppedbitinghercuticle.“Youhavetorealize,”Mattadded,“shegotmuchbettergradesinmedschoolthanme.”Janinelaughedalongwiththejurors.
“Andyousignedupfortreatment.Tellusaboutthat.”
Mattbithislipandlookedaway.He’dknowntoexpectthequestion,hadpracticedhowhe’danswer:matter-of-factly.ThesamewayPakhadsaidthatnightthatMatt’sfather-in-lawwasinvesting,thatJaninehadbeen“appointed”—asifitwereapresidentialcommissionorsomething—amedicaladvisor,andtheyallagreed:“You,Dr.Thompson,mustbecomeourfirstpatient.”Mattthoughthe’dmisheard.PakspokeEnglishwell,buthehadanaccentandsyntaxerrors.Perhapshe’dmistranslated“director”or“chairman.”ButthenPakadded,“Mostpatientswillbechildren,butitisgoodtohaveoneadultpatient.”
Mattsippedwine,notsayinganything,wonderingwhatinGod’snamecould’vemadePakthinkthatahealthymanlikeMattmightneedHBOT,whenapossibilityoccurredtohim.CouldJaninehavesaidsomethingabouttheir—his—“issue”?Hetriedtoignorethethought,focusondinner,buthishandsshook,andhecouldn’tpickupthegalbi,theslipperymorselsofmarinatedribmeatslidingthroughthethinsilverchopsticks.Marynoticedandcametohisrescue.“Ican’tusesteelchopsticks,either,”shesaid,andofferedhimwoodenones,thekindfromChinesetakeouts.“Thisiseasier.Tryit.Mymomsaysthat’swhywehadtoleaveKorea.Noonewillmarryagirlwhocan’tusechopsticks.Right,Mom?”Everyoneelseseemedannoyedandremainedsilent,butMattlaughed.Shejoinedhim,thetwoofthemlaughingamidfrowningfaceslikekidsmisbehavinginaroomfullofadults.
Ithadbeenatthismoment,asMattandMarywerelaughing,thatPaksaid,“HBOThashighrateofcuringinfertility,especiallyforpeoplelikeyou—lowspermmotility.”Rightthen,atthisconfirmationthathiswifehadshareddetails—medicaldetails,personaldetails—notonlywithherparentsbutalsowiththesepeoplehe’dnevermetbefore,Mattfeltsomethinghotinhischest,asifaballoonfilledwithlavahadstretchedandburstinhislungs,displacingtheoxygen.MattstaredintoPak’seyesandtriedtobreathenormally.Strangely,itwasn’tJanine’sgazeheneededtoavoid,butMary’s.Hehadn’twantedtoknowhowthosewords—infertility,lowspermmotility—wouldchangethewayshelookedathim.Ifherpreviouslycurious(possiblyinterested?)lookwouldnowbetingedwithdisgustor,worse,pity.
MattsaidtoAbe,“MywifeandIhadproblemsconceiving,andHBOTwasanexperimentaltreatmentformeninvolvedinthesesituations,soitmadesensetotakeadvantageofthisnewbusiness.”Heleftoutthathehadn’tagreedatfirst,hadrefusedtoevenaddressitfortherestofdinner.Janinesaidwhatshe’dclearlypracticed,howMatt’svolunteeringasapatientwouldhelplaunchthebusiness,howthepresenceofa“regulardoctor”(Janine’swords)wouldreassurepotentialclientsofHBOT’ssafetyandeffectiveness.Shedidn’tseemtonoticethathewasn’tanswering,thathewaskeepinghiseyesfocusedstrictlyonhisplate.ButMarydid.Shenoticedandcametohisrescueagainandagain,laughingathischopstickstechniqueandinterjectingjokesaboutkimchi-garlicflavorsmixingwithwine.
Fordaysafterward,Janinehadbeenapainintheass,goingonaboutHBOT’ssafety,itsmanyuses,blahblah.Whenhedidn’tbudge,shetriedtoguilthim,saidhisrefusalwouldcementherfather’ssuspicionthatMattdidn’tbelieveinhisbusiness.“Idon’tbelieveinit.Idon’tthinkwhathedoesismedicine,andyou’veknownthatfromdayone,”he’dsaid,whichledtohermosthurtfulcomment.“Thefactis,you’reagainstanythingAsian.Youdismissit.”
Beforehecouldrailagainstherforaccusinghimofracism,pointoutthathe’dmarriedher,forChrist’ssake(andbesides,wasn’tshealwaysgoingonabouthowracistold-timeKoreanslikeherparentswere?),Janinesighedandsaidinapleadingvoice,“Onemonth.Ifitworks,noIVF.Nojerkingoffintoacup.Isn’tthatworthatry?”
Heneversaidyes.Shejustpretendedhissilencewasacquiescence,andhelether.Whatshesaidwasright,oratleastnotwrong.Plus,maybeitwouldgethisfather-in-lawtostartforgivinghimfornotbeingKorean.
“WhendidyoustartHBOT?”Abeasked.
“Thefirstdayitopened,Augustfourth.IwantedtogetthefortysessionsdoneinAugust—bettertraffic—soIsignedupfortwodiveseachday,thefirstat9:00a.m.andthelastat6:45p.m.Thereweresixsessionseachday,andthosetimeswerereservedforus‘double-dive’patients.”
“Whoelsewasinthedouble-divegroup?”Abeasked.
“Threeotherpatients:Henry,TJ,andRosa.Plustheirmothers.Asidefromafewtimeswhensomeonewassickorstuckintrafficorwhatnot,wewereallthere,everyday,twiceaday.”
“Tellusaboutthem.”
“Sure.Rosaistheoldest.Sixteen,Ibelieve.Shehascerebralpalsy.Shehasawheelchairandfeedingtube.HermotherisTeresaSantiago.”Hepointedtoher.“WecallherMotherTeresabecauseshe’sextremelykindandpatient.”Teresablushed,asalwayswhencalledthat.
“There’sTJ,who’seight.Hehasautism.Nonverbal.Andhismother,Kitt—”
“That’sKittKozlowski,whowaskilledlastsummer?”
“Yes.”
“Doyourecognizethispicture?”Abeplacedaportraitonaneasel.AposedshotwithKitt’sfaceinthecenter,likeoneofthoseGeddesbabyflowers,exceptframedbyherfamily’sfacesinsteadofpetals.Kitt’shusbandabove(standingbehindher),TJbelow(onherlap),twogirlsontheright,twoontheleft,allfivekidswiththesamefrizzyredcurlsashers.Atableauofhappiness.Andnowthemomwasgone,leavingasunflowerwithnocenterdisktoholdupthepetals.
Mattswallowedandclearedhisthroat.“That’sKitt,withherfamily,withTJ.”
AbeplacedanotherpicturenexttoKitt’s.Henry.Notoneofthosefakestudioshots,butaslightlyblurredpictureofhimlaughingonasunnyday,blueskyandgreenleavesbehindhim.Hisblondhairmussedupalittle,hisheadbackandhisblueeyesalmostslitsfromlaughingsohard.Amissingtoothsmackinthemiddle,asifhe’dbeenshowingitoff.
Mattswallowedagain.“That’sHenry.HenryWard.Elizabeth’sson.”
Abesaid,“DidthedefendantaccompanyHenryforthedives,liketheothermothers?”
“Yes,”Mattsaid.“ShealwayscameinwithHenry,exceptforthelastdive.”
“Everysingledive,andtheonlytimeshesatoutjusthappenedtobewheneveryoneinsidewashurtorkilled?”
“Yes.Theonlytime.”MattlookedatAbe,triedhardnottolookatElizabeth,buthecouldseeherintheperiphery.Shewasstaringatthepictures,suckingherlipsintohermouthtognawonthem,thepinklipstickgone.Itlookedwrong,herfacewithmakeupliningherblueeyes,coloronhercheeks,shadowaccentuatinghernose,thennothingunderthenose—justwhite.Likeaclownwho’sforgottentodrawinlips.
Abeplacedaposteronasecondeasel.“Dr.Thompson,wouldthisbehelpfulinexplainingMiracleSubmarine’sphysicalsetup?”
“Yes,very,”Mattsaid.“Thisismycrudedrawingofthelot.It’sinthetownofMiracleCreek,tenmileswestofhere.MiracleCreekisanactualcreek—itrunsthroughthetown;thusthename.Anyway,thecreekrunsthroughthewoodsnexttothetreatmentbarn.”
“Sorry,didyousay‘treatmentbarn’?”Abelookedpuzzled,asifhehadn’tseenthebarnfourthousandtimes.
“Yes.There’sawoodenbarninthemiddleofthelot,andtheHBOTchamberisinside.Whenyouwalkin,totheleftisthecontrolpanelwherePaksat.Pluscubbiesforustoleaveanythingnotallowedinthechamber,likejewelry,electronics,paper,syntheticclothing,anythingthatcouldsetoffaspark—Pakhadverystrictsafetyrules.”
“Andwhat’soutsidethebarn?”
“Inthefront,there’sagravellyparkingspotbigenoughforfourcars.Totheright,thewoodsandthecreek.Totheleft,alittlehousewherePak’sfamilylives,andtotheback,astorageshedandthepowerlines.”
“Thankyou,”Abesaid.“Nowtakeusthroughatypicaldive.Whathappened?”
“We’dcrawlintothechamberthroughthehatch.Iusuallywentlastandsatclosesttotheexit.That’swheretheintercomheadsetwas,forcommunicatingwithPak.”Thatsoundedlikeaplausibleenoughreason,butthetruthwas,Mattpreferredbeingonthemarginsofthegroup.Themomslikedtotalk,tradingexperimentaltreatmentprotocols,tellinglifestories.Thatwasfineforthem,buthewasdifferent.Hewasadoctor,forone,whodidn’tbelieveinalternativetherapies.Plus,hewasn’taparentatall,muchlesstheparentofaspecial-needskid.Hewishedhecould’vebroughtinamagazineorpaperwork,someshieldagainsttheirconstantquestions.Itwasironic,howhewasintheretotrytohavekids,buteverywhereheturned,hefeltlike,God,doIreallywantkids?Somuchcangowrong.
“Sothen,”Mattsaid,“thepressurization.Itsimulateshowarealdivefeels.”
“What’sthatlike?Forthoseofuswhohaven’texperiencedsubmarinerides,”Abesaid,elicitingappreciativesmilesfromseveraljurors.
“It’slikeaplanelanding.Yourearsfeelheavy,andtheycanpop.Pakpressurizedslowlytominimizethediscomfort,soittookaboutfiveminutes.Oncewewereat1.5ATA—that’slikeseventeenfeetbelowsealevel—weputonoxygenhelmets.”
OneofAbe’sminionshandedAbeaclearplastichelmet.“Likethis?”
Matttookthehelmet.“Yes.”
“Howdoesthiswork?”
Mattturnedtowardthejuryandpointedtothebluelatexringatthebottom.“Thisherefitsaroundyourneck,andyourwholeheadgoesinside.”Hestretchedtheopeninglikeaturtleneckandputiton,theclearbubbleencasinghishead
“Next,thetubing,”Mattsaid,andAbehandedhimaclearplasticcoil.Itslitheredoutandseemedtogoonforever,likeoneofthosetinysnakesthatbecometenfeetwhentheyunfurl.
“Whatdoesthatdo,Doctor?”
Mattinsertedthetubeintoanopeninginthehelmetbyhisjaw.“Itconnectsthehelmettotheoxygenspigotinsidethechamber.Thereareoxygentanksbehindthebarn,andtubingconnectsthemtothespigots.WhenPakturnedontheoxygen,itwouldtravelthroughthetubesintoourhelmets.Theoxygenwouldexpandandmakethehelmetpuffy,likeinflatingaball.”
Abesmiled.“Thenyoulooklikeyou’rewearingafishbowlonyourhead.”Thejurorslaughed.MattcouldtelltheylikedAbe,thisplainspokenguywhotolditlikeitwas,didn’tactlikehewastoosmartforthem.“Thenwhat?”
“Prettysimple.Thefourofuswouldbreathenormally,andbebreathinginonehundredpercentoxygen,forsixtyminutes.Attheendofthehour,Pakwouldturnofftheoxygen,we’dremovethehelmets,thendepressurization,andexit,”Mattsaid,andremovedthehelmet.
“Thankyou,Dr.Thompson.It’shelpfultogetthisoverview.Now,I’dliketogettowhywe’rehere,whathappenedonAugust26lastyear.Doyourememberthatday?”
Mattnodded.
“I’msorry.Youhavetoanswerverbally.Forthecourtreporter.”
“Yes.”Mattclearedhisthroat.“Yes.”
Abe’seyessquintedabit,thenwidened,asifhewasunsurewhetherheshouldbeapologeticorexcitedaboutwhatwastocome.“Tellus,inyourwords,whathappenedthatday.”
Thecourtroomshiftedthen,almostimperceptibly,allthebodiesinthejuryboxandgallerymovingforwardatenthofaninch.Thiswaswhatthepeoplehadcomefor.Notjustthegore,thoughtherewasthat—theblow-upphotosandthecharredremainsoftheequipment—butthedramaoftragedy.Mattsawiteverydayinthehospital:brokenbones,caraccidents,cancerscares.Peoplecriedaboutit,sure—thepain,theunfairness,theinconvenienceofitall—buttherewerealwaysoneortwoineveryfamilywhogotenergizedbybeingattheperipheryofsuffering,everycellintheirbodiesvibratingataslightlyhigherfrequency,wokenfromthemundanedormancyoftheireverydaylives.
Mattlookeddownathisruinedhand,thumb,fourthfinger,andpinkiestickingoutofaredblob.Heclearedhisthroatagain.He’dtoldthisstorymanytimes.Tothepolice,tothedoctors,totheinsuranceinvestigators,toAbe.Onelasttime,hetoldhimself.Justoncemorethroughtheexplosion,thescorchofthefire,theobliterationoflittleHenry’shead.Thenhe’dneverhavetotalkaboutitagain.
TERESASANTIAGO
ITHADBEENAHOTDAY.Thekindthatmadeyousweatat7:00a.m.Fullsunafterathree-daydownpour—theairdenseandheavy,likebeinginadryerfullofwetclothes.She’dactuallylookedforwardtothatmorning’sdive;it’dbearelieftobesealedupinanair-conditionedchamber.
Teresanearlyhitsomeonepullingintothelot.Agroupofsixwomenwereholdingsignsandwalkinginanoval,likeapicketline.Teresawasslowingdown,tryingtoreadthesigns,whensomeonewalkedintoherpath.Shebrakedhard,barelymissingthewoman.“MyGod!”Teresasaid,steppingoutofhervan.Thewomankeptwalking.Noyell,nofinger,noglance.“Excuseme,butwhat’shappeninghere?Weneedtogetinside,”Teresasaidtothem.Allwomen.HoldingsignssayingI’MACHILD,NOTALABRAT!;LOVEME,ACCEPTME,DON’TPOISONME;andQUACKMEDICINE=CHILDABUSE—allscrawledinblocklettersinprimarycolors.
Atallwomanwithasilverbobcameover.“Thisstriphere’spublicproperty.Wehavearighttobehere,tostopyou.HBOTisdangerous,itdoesn’twork,andyou’rejustteachingyourkidsyoudon’tlovethemthewaytheyare.”
Acarhonkedbehindher.Kitt.“We’redownhere.Ignorethecrazybitches,”shesaid,andmotioneddowntheroad.Teresashuthervandoorandfollowed.Kittdidn’tgofar.Justtothenextpull-offarea,aclearinginthewoods.Throughthethickfoliage,sheglimpsedthepost-stormMiracleCreek,brownandswollenandlazy.
MattandElizabethwerealreadythere.“Whothehellarethosepeople?”Mattsaid.
KittsaidtoElizabeth,“Iknowthey’vebeensayingawfulthingsaboutyouandmakingcrazythreats,butIneverthoughtthey’dactuallyactonthem.”
“Youknowthem?”Teresasaid.
“Onlyfromonlinestuff,”Elizabethsaid.“They’refanatics.Theirkidsallhaveautism,andtheygoaroundsayinghowit’sthewaythey’remeanttobe,andalltreatmentsareevilandshamandkillkids.”
“ButHBOT’snothinglikethat,”Teresasaid.“Matt,youcantellthem.”
Elizabethshookherhead.“There’snoreasoningwiththem.Wecan’tletthemaffectus.Comeon,we’regoingtobelate.”
Theywentthroughthewoodstoavoidtheprotesters,butitdidn’tmatter.Theprotestersspottedthemandranover,blockingthem.Thesilver-bob-hairedwomanheldupaflyerofanHBOTchambersurroundedbyflamesand43!ontop.“Fact:therehavebeenforty-threeHBOTfires,evensomeexplosions,”thewomansaid.“Whywouldyouputyourchildreninsomethingsodangerous?Forwhat?Sothey’llmakemoreeyecontact?Flaptheirhandsless?Acceptthemthewaytheyare.It’sthewayGodmadethem,thewaytheywereborn,and—”
“Rosawasn’t,”Teresasaid,steppingforward.“Shewasn’tbornwithcerebralpalsy.Shewashealthy.Shewalked,shetalked,shelovedthemonkeybars.Butshegotsick,andwedidn’ttakehertothehospitalquicklyenough.”Shefeltahandsqueezehershoulder—Kitt.“She’snotsupposedtobeinawheelchair.Andyou’recriticizingme,condemningme,fortryingtohealher?”
Thesilver-bobbedwomansaid,“I’msorryforthat.Butourgoalistoreachparentswithautisticchildren,whichisdifferent—”
“Why’sitdifferent?”Teresasaid.“Becausethey’rebornwithit?Whataboutkidsbornwithtumors,cleftpalates?Godclearlymeantforthat,butdoesthatmeantheirparentsshouldn’tpursuesurgery,radiation,whateverittakestogetthemhealthyandwhole?”
“Ourkidsarealreadyhealthyandwhole,”thewomansaid.“Autismisn’tadefect,justadifferentwayofbeing,andanyso-calledtreatmentforitisquacknonsense.”
“Areyousureaboutthat?”Kittsaid,steppingupnexttoTeresa.“Iusedtothinkthat,thenIreadthatmanyautistickidshavedigestiveissues,andthat’swhytheywalkontiptoes—themuscle-stretchinghelpswiththepain.TJ’salwaystoe-walked,soIgothimtested.Itturnedouthehadsevereinflammation,andhecouldn’ttellus.”
“Thesamewithher.”TeresapointedtoElizabeth.“She’sbeentryingtonsoftreatments,andherson’simprovedsomuchthatthedoctorssayhe’snotautisticanymore.”
“Yeah,weknowallabouthertreatments.Herson’sveryluckythathe’ssurvivedthemall.Notallkidsdo.”ThewomanheldtheflyeronHBOTfiresrightuptoElizabeth’sface.
Elizabethscoffedandshookherheadatthewoman,pullingHenryclosetoherandwalkingaway.ThewomangrabbedElizabeth’sarmandyanked,hard.Elizabethyelped,triedtogetaway,butthewomantightenedhergrip,wouldn’tletgo.“I’mdonelettingyouignoreme,”thewomansaid.“Ifyoudon’tstop,somethingterriblewillhappen.Iguaranteeit.”
“Hey,backoff,”Teresasaid,steppingbetweenthemandslappingthewoman’shandaway.Thewomanturnedherway,herhandsclosingintoafistasiftopunchher,andTeresafeltacoldtingleinhershoulderscrawldownherback.Shetoldherselfnottobesilly,thiswasjustamomwithstrongopinions,nothingtobescaredof,andsaid,“Letusthrough.Now.”Afteramoment,theprotestersbackedaway.Thentheyraisedtheirsignsandquietlyresumedwalkinginacrookedoval.
ITWASSTRANGE,sittingincourtandlisteningtoMattrecountthosesameeventsfromthemorningoftheexplosion.Teresahadn’texpectedanexactmatchbetweenhismemoriesandhers—shewatchedLaw&Order;shewasn’tthatna?ve—butstill,theextentofthedifferencewasunnerving.Mattreducedtheencounterwiththeprotesterstoonephrase—“adebateabouttheefficacyandsafetyofexperimentalautismtreatments”—withnomentionofTeresa’spointsaboutotherdiseases,thesubstanceoftheargumentlostonhim,ormaybejustirrelevant.Thehierarchyofdisabilities—toTeresa,thatwascentral,somethingsheagonizedover,andtoMatt,itwasnothing.Ifhehadadisabledchild,it’dbedifferent,ofcourse.Havingaspecial-needschilddidn’tjustchangeyou;ittransmutedyou,transportedyoutoaparallelworldwithanalteredgravitationalaxis.
“Duringallthis,”Abewassaying,“whatwasthedefendantdoing?”
“Elizabethdidn’tgetinvolvedatall,”Mattsaid,“whichstruckmeasodd,becauseshe’susuallyveryvocalaboutautismtreatments.Shejustkeptstaringattheflyer.Therewastextonthebottom,andshekeptsquinting,likeshewastryingtomakeoutwhatitsaid.”
AbehandedMattadocument.“Isthistheflyer?”
“Yes.”
“Pleasereadthebottomtext.”
“‘Avoidingsparksinthechamberisnotenough.Inonecase,afirestartedoutsidethechamberundertheoxygentubingledtoanexplosionwithfatalities.’”
“‘Firestartedoutsidethechamberundertheoxygentubing,’”Aberepeated.“Isn’tthatexactlywhathappenedtoMiracleSubmarinelaterthatveryday?”
MattlookedovertoElizabeth,hisjawstensingasifgrittinghismolars.“Yes,”hesaid,“andIknowshewasfocusedonthatbecauseshewentstraightuptoPakafterwardandtoldhimabouttheirflyer.Paksaidthatcouldn’thappentous,hewouldn’tletanyofthemnearthebarn,butElizabethkeptsayinghowdangeroustheywere,andshemadehimpromisetocallthepoliceandreportthatthey’rethreateningus,togetthatontherecord.”
“Whataboutduringthedive?Didshesayanyofthisthen?”
“No,shewassilent.Sheseemeddistracted.Likeshewasthinkingintenselyaboutsomething.”
“Likeshewasplanningsomething,perhaps?”Abesaid.
“Objection,”Elizabeth’sattorneysaid.
“Sustained.Thejurywilldisregardthequestion,”thejudgesaid,butinalazytone.Ajudicialversionof“Yeah,yeah,yeah.”Notthatitmattered.Everyonewasalreadythinkingit—theflyerhadgivenElizabeththeideatosetthefireandblametheprotestersforit.
“Dr.Thompson,afterMiracleSubmarineexplodedinpreciselythesamewayashighlightedbythedefendant,didshetrytolaysuspicionontheprotestersagain?”
“Yes,”Mattsaid.“Thatnight.Iheardhertellthedetectiveshewassuretheprotestersdidit,theymust’vestartedthefireundertheoxygentubesoutside.”Teresahadheardthat,too.She’dbeenconvinced,ashadeveryone,atfirst—theprotestershadbeentheprimarysuspectsforalmostaweek—andevenafterElizabeth’sarrest,she’dstillbeensuspicious.Justthismorning,whenElizabeth’slawyerreservedheropeningstatementuntilaftertheprosecution’scase,she’dbeendisappointed,surethatthedefensewould’vepaintedtheprotestersastherealkillers.
“Dr.Thompson,”Abesaid,“whatelsehappenedthatmorning,aftertheprotesters?”
“Afterthedive,ElizabethandKittleftfirst,andIhelpedTeresagetRosa’swheelchairthroughthewoods.Whenwegottothepull-offarea,HenryandTJwerealreadyintheircars,andElizabethandKittwerebythewoods,ontheothersidefromus.Theywerefighting.”Teresaremembered—they’dbeenyelling,butinthewhisperedshoutsofpeoplecarryingonaprivateargumentinpublic.
“Whatweretheysaying?”
“Itwashardtohear,butIheardElizabethcallingKitta‘jealousbitch’andsomethinglike,‘I’dlovetoliearoundandeatbonbonsalldayinsteadoftakingcareofHenry.’”Teresahadheard“bonbons,”butnottherest.Matthadbeencloser,though;assoonastheygotthere,he’dnoticedsomethingonhiswindshieldandruntogetit.
“I’msorry,”Abesaid.“ThedefendantcalledKitta‘jealousbitch’andsaidshe’dlovetoeatbonbonsinsteadoftakingcareofherson,Henry—thisjusthoursbeforeKittandHenrywerekilledintheexplosion.DoIhavethatright?”
“Yes.”
AbelookedovertothepicturesofKittandHenryandshookhishead.Heclosedhiseyesbriefly,asiftocomposehimself,thensaid,“DidthedefendanthaveotherfightswithKittthatyouknowof?”
“Yes,”Mattsaid,lookingstraightatElizabeth.“Once,sheyelledatKittinfrontofusandpushedher.”
“Pushed?Physically?”AbelethismouthhanginanopenO.“Tellusaboutthat.”
TeresaknewwhichstoryMattwasgoingtotell.ElizabethandKittwerefriends,buttherewasanundercurrentoftensionthatoccasionallyburstintotiffs.Justbickering,nothingmajor,exceptonce.Ithappenedafteradive.Aseveryonewasleaving,KitthandedTJwhatlookedlikeatoothpastetubedecoratedwithBarney.
“OhmyGod,isthatthatnewyogurt?”Elizabethsaid.
Kittsighed.“Yes,it’sYoFun.Andyes,Iknowit’snotGFCF.”KittsaidtoTeresaandMatt,“GFCFisgluten-free,casein-free.It’sanautismdiet.”
Elizabethsaid,“IsTJoffit?”
“No.He’sGFCFforeverythingelse.Butthisishisfavorite,andit’stheonlywayhe’lltakesupplements.It’sonlyonceaday.”
“Onceaday?Butit’smadewithmilk,”Elizabethsaid,making“milk”soundlike“feces.”“Theprimaryingredientiscasein.Howcanyouclaimtobecasein-freeifhe’seatingcaseineveryday?Nottomention,there’sfoodcoloringinthat.Andit’snotevenorganic.”
Kittlookedlikeshemightcry.“WhatamIsupposedtodo?HespitsouthispillsunlessheswallowswithYoFun.Thismakeshimhappy.Besides,Idon’tthinkthedietreallyworks.ItnevermadeadifferenceforTJ.”
Elizabethpressedherlipstightlytogether.“Maybethedietdidn’tworkbecauseyouneverdiditproperly.Freemeansnone.IusedifferentplatesforHenry’sfood;Ievenhaveadifferentspongeforcleaninghisdishes.”
Kittstoodup.“Well,Ican’tdothat.IhavefourotherkidsIhavetocookandcleanfor.It’shardenoughjusttrying.Everyonesays,dothebestyoucan,andcuttingoutmostofit’sbetterthannothing.I’msorryIcan’tbeahundredpercentperfectlikeyou.”
Elizabethshruggedhereyebrows.“It’snotmeyoushouldsaysorryto.It’sTJ.Glutenandcaseinareneurotoxinsforourkids.Evenatinybitinterfereswithbrainfunction.It’snowonderTJ’sstillnottalking.”Shestoodup,said,“Comeon,Henry,”andstartedtowalkout.
Kittsteppedinfrontofher.“Wait,youcan’tjust—”
Elizabethpushedheraway.Nothard,nowherenearhardenoughtohurtKitt,butitshockedher.Itshockedallofthem.Elizabethkeptwalkingout,thenturnedback.“Oh,andbytheway,canyoupleasestoptellingpeopleyouhaven’tseenanyimprovementsonthediet?You’renotdoingthediet,andyou’rediscouragingpeoplefornoreason.”Sheslammedthedoor.
AfterMattfinishedtellingthestory,Abesaid,“Dr.Thompson,hasthedefendantlosthertemperlikethatanyothertime?”
Mattnodded.“Thedayoftheexplosion,duringherfightwithKitt.”
“TheonewherethedefendantcalledKitta‘jealousbitch’andsaidshe’dlovetoeatbonbonsalldayinsteadoftakingcareofherson?”
“Exactly.Shedidn’tdoanythingphysicalthistime,butsheranoffinahuffandslammedhercardoor,reallyhard,andsherevvedandbackedoutsofast,shealmosthitmycar.Kittyelledforhertocalmdownandwait,but…”Mattshookhishead.“IrememberbeingworriedforHenrybecauseElizabethdroveoffsofast.Thetiresweresquealing.”
“Whathappenednext?”Abesaid.
“IaskedKittwhathappened,ifshewasokay.”
“And?”
“Shelookedreallyupset,likeshewasabouttocry,andshesaidno,shewasn’tokay,thatElizabethwasreallymadather.ThenshesaidshehaddonesomethingandsheneededtofigureouthowtofixitbeforeElizabethfoundout,becauseifshefoundout…”MattlookedtoElizabeth.
“Yes?”
“Shesaid,‘IfElizabethfindsoutwhatIdid,she’sgonnakillme.’”
PAKYOO
THEJUDGECALLEDFORRECESSATNOON.Lunch,whichPakdreaded,knowingthatDr.Cho—notJanine,butherfather,whowentby“Dr.Cho”eventhoughhewasanacupuncturist,notadoctor—wouldinsistontreatingthem.Forcedcharity.Notthathewasn’ttempted—they’deatennothingbutramen,rice,andkimchisincethehospitalbillsstartedarriving—butDr.Chohadalreadygiventhemtoomuch:monthlyloansfornecessities,assumptionofPak’smortgage,ageneroussuminexchangeforMary’scar,powerbillpayments.Pakhadnochoicebuttoacceptitall,evenDr.Cho’slatestbrainstorm,afund-raisingwebsiteinEnglishandKorean.AninternationalproclamationofPakYooasadestituteinvalidbeggingforhandouts.No.Nomore.PaktoldDr.Chotheyhadotherplansandhopedhewouldn’tseethemeatingintheircar.
Ontheirwaytothecar,hesawadozengeesewaddlingaround,directlyintheirpath.PakexpectedYoungorMarytoshoothemaway,buttheykeptwalking,rollingPakcloserandcloser,likeabowlingballtowardthepins.Andthegeese—theywereequallyoblivious,ormaybejustlazy.Itwasn’tuntilhiswheelchairwascentimetersfromknockingoneoverandhewasabouttoyellthatonehonkedandthewholegaggletookoffforflight.YoungandMarykeptwalking,pacessteadyasifnothinghadhappened,andhewantedtoscreamattheirinsensitivity.
Pakclosedhiseyesandbreathed.In,out.Hetoldhimselfhewasbeingridiculous—hewasactuallyangryathiswifeanddaughterfornotnoticinggeese!Itwouldbecomicalifitweren’tsopathetic,thisoversensitivitytogeesefromhisfouryearsalone.
Ghee-ruh-gheeap-bah.Wild-goosefather.WhatKoreanscalledamanwhoremainedinKoreatoworkwhilehiswifeandchildrenmovedabroadforbettereducation,andflew(or“migrated”)annuallytoseethem.(Lastyear,whenalcoholismandsuicidereachedalarminglevelsamongSeoul’s100,000goosefathers,peoplestartedcallingmenlikePak—menwhocouldn’taffordanyvisits,soneverflew—penguinfathers,butbythen,hisidentificationwithgeesewasfixed,andpenguinsneverbotheredhimthewaygeesedid.)Pakhadn’tsetouttobecomeagoosefather;they’dplannedtomovetoAmericatogether.Butwhilewaitingforafamilyvisa,PakheardaboutahostfamilyinBaltimorewillingtosponsorachildandoneparenttolivewiththemforfree,arrangingforthechildtoattendanearbyschool,inexchangefortheparentworkingattheirgrocerystore.PaksentYoungandMaryofftoBaltimore,promisinghe’djointhemsoon.
Intheend,ithadtakenfourmoreyearsforthefamilyvisa.Fouryearsofbeingafatherwithoutafamily.Fouryearsoflivingaloneinacloset-studioinasad,disheveled“villa”fullofsad,disheveledgoosefathers.Fouryearsofworkingtwojobs,sevendaysaweek,ofskimpingandsaving.AllthatsacrificeforMary’seducation,forherfuture,andnow,hereshewas,scarredandunanchored,nocollegeonthehorizon,attendingmurdertrialsandtherapiesinsteadofseminarsandparties.
“Mary,”YoungwassayinginKorean,“youhavetoeat.”Maryshookherheadandlookedoutthecarwindow,butYoungputthebowlofriceonMary’slap.“Afewbites.”
Marybitherlipandpickedupthechopsticks—tentatively,asifscaredtotrysomeexoticfood.Shepickeduponegrainofriceandputitjustinsideherlips.PakrememberedYoungshowingMarythiswayofeatingbackinKorea.“WhenIwasyourage,”Younghadsaid,“yourgrandmothermademepracticeeatingricegrainbygrain.Shesaid,‘Thisway,foodisalwaysinyourmouth,soyouarenotexpectedtotalk,butwithoutappearingtobeapig.Nomanwantsawifewhoeatsortalkstoomuch.’”Mary,laughing,hadsaidtoPak,“Ap-bah,didUm-maeatlikethatwhenyouweredating?”Pakhadsaid,“Definitelynot.GoodthingIlikepigs,”andthey’dalllaughedandeatentherestofthedinnerassloppilyandnoisilyaspossible,takingturnsmakingpiggrunts.Hadthatreallybeensolongago?
Paklookedathisdaughter,chewingonegrainofriceafteranother,andhiswife,studyingtheirchild,worrylinesframinghereyes.Hepickedupkimchitoforcehimselftoeat,butthestinkoffermentedgarlicswirlingintheswelteringheatformedamaskoverhisface,overpoweringhim.Hecrankedthewindowopenandstuckhisheadout.Inthesky,thegeesewereflyingaway,themajesticsymmetryoftheirV-formationvisibleinthedistance,andhethoughthowunfairitwas,callingmenlikehim“goosefathers.”Realmalegeesematedforlife;realgoosefamiliesstayedtogether,foraged,nested,andmigratedtogether.
Suddenly,avision:acartoonofmalegeeseinacourtroom,suingKoreannewspapersfordefamationanddemandingretractionsofallgoose-fatherreferences.Pakchuckled,andYoungandMarylookedathimwithconfusionandconcern.Hethoughtaboutexplaining,butwhatcouldhesay?Sothesegeesefileaclass-actionlawsuit…“Ithoughtofsomethingfunny,”hesaid.Theydidn’taskwhat.Marywentbacktoeatingrice,YoungbacktolookingatMary,andPakbacktolookingoutthewindow,watchingthewedgeofgeeseflyfartherandfartheraway.
AFTERLUNCH,enteringthecourtroom,Pakrecognizedasilver-hairedwomanintheback.Aprotester,theonewho’dthreatenedhimthatmorning,sayingshewouldn’trestuntilhewasexposedasafraudandhisbusinessshutdownforgood.“Ifyoudon’tstoprightnow,”she’dsaid,“youwillregretit.Ipromiseyou.”Andnowthatherpromisehadcometofruition,hereshewas,surveyingtheroomlikeaprouddirectoronopeningnight.Heimaginedfacingher,threateningtoexposeherliesaboutthatnight,totellthepoliceeverythinghesaw.Howsatisfyingitwouldbe,watchingthesmugnessdrainfromhereyes,replacedbyfear.Butno.Noonecouldknowhewasoutsidethatnight.Hehadtomaintainhissilence,nomatterthecost.
Abestoodupandsomethingfelltothefloor:theflyer,with43!inared,fieryfont.Pakstaredatit,thispieceofpaperthathadstartedeverything.IfonlyElizabethhadn’tseenitandgottenfixatedontheideaofsabotage,offirebeingsetundertheoxygentube,he’dbedrivingMarytocollegerightnow.Asurgeofheatcoursedthroughhim,sendinghismusclesquivering,andhewantedtograbthatflyer,tearandballitup,andhurlitatElizabethandtheprotester,thesewomenwho’dwreckedhislife.
“Dr.Thompson,”Abesaid,“let’spickupwhereweleftoff.Tellusaboutthelastdive,duringwhichtheexplosionoccurred.”
“Westartedlate,”Mattsaid.“Thedivebeforeusisusuallydoneby6:15,buttheywererunninglate.Ididn’tknow,soIgotthereontime,andthefrontlotwasfull.Allusdouble-divershadtoparkinthealternatespotdownthestreet,likethatmorning.Wedidn’tstartuntil7:10.”
“Whythedelay?Weretheprotestersstillthere?”
“No.Thepolicetookthemawayearlier.TheyapparentlytriedtostopthedivesbyreleasingMylarballoonsintoutilitylines,whichcausedapoweroutage,”Mattsaid.Pakalmostlaughedatthesuccinctness,theefficiency,ofMatt’sdescription.Sixhoursofchaos—theprotestersupsettingthepatients;thepolicesayingtheywerepowerlesstostop“peacefulprotests”;theACandlightsgoingdeadduringanafternoondive,scaringthepatients;thepolicefinallyarriving;theprotesters’shrieksof“Whatpowerlines?”and“Whatonearthdoballoonshavetodowithoutages?”Allthat,reducedtoaten-secondsummary.
“Howcouldthedivescontinuewithanoutage?”Abesaid.
“There’sagenerator,asafetyrequirement.Pressurization,oxygen,communications—allthatstillworked.JustsecondarythingslikeAC,lights,andtheDVDdidn’twork.”
“DVD?Air-conditioning,Iunderstand,butwhyDVD?”
“Forthekids,tohelpthemsitstill.Pakattachedascreenoutsideaportholeandputinaspeakersystem.Thekidslovedit,andIcantellyoutheadultsappreciateditaswell.”
Abechuckled.“Yes,inmyhouse,anyway,kidstendtobesignificantlyquieterinfrontofaTV.”
“Exactly.”Mattsmiled.“Anyway,PakmanagedtohookupaportableDVDplayeroutsidetherearporthole.Hesaiddealingwithallthiscauseddelays.Nottomention,someoftheearlierpatientsgotscaredbytheprotestersandcanceledtheirdives,whichtookmoretime.”
“Whataboutthelights?Yousaidtheywereout?”
“Yes,inthebarn.Westartedafter7:00,soitwasstartingtogetdark,butitbeingsummer,therewasstillenoughsunlighttosee.”
“Sothepower’sout,andthedive’sdelayed.Anythingelseoddaboutthatevening?”
Mattnodded.“Yes.Elizabeth.”
Aberaisedhiseyebrows.“Whatabouther?”
“Youhavetoremember,”Mattsaid,“earlierthatday,IsawherstompoffafterafightwithKitt,soIexpectedhertostillbemad.Butwhenshecamein,shewasinareallygoodmood.Unusuallyfriendly,eventoKitt.”
Abesaid,“Perhapsthey’dtalkedandworkeditout?”
Mattshookhishead.“No.BeforeElizabetharrived,Kittsaidshetriedtotalktoher,butshewasstillmad.Inanycase,thereallystrangepartwasthatElizabethsaidshefeltsick.Irememberthinkingitwasodd,howupbeatshewaswhenshewassupposedlycomingdownwithsomething.”Mattswallowed.“Anyway,shesaidshewantedtositout,juststayinhercarandrestduringthedive.Andthen…”Matt’seyesdartedtoElizabeth,hisfacescruncheduplikehewashurt,betrayed,anddisappointedallatonce,thewayakidlooksathismotherwhenhefindsoutthere’snoSanta.
“Andthen?”AbetouchedMatt’sarmasifcomfortinghim.
“SheaskedKitttositnexttoHenryandwatchoverhimduringthedive,andmaybeIcouldsitontheothersideandhelp,too.”
“SothedefendantarrangedforHenrytositbetweenKittandyou?”
“Yes.”
“Anyotherseating-relatedsuggestionsfromthedefendant?”Abesaid,emphasizingthewordsuggestionssoitsoundedominous.
“Yes.”MattpeeredatElizabethwiththathurt-disappointed-betrayed-kidlookagain.“Teresastartedgoinginfirst,likealways.ButElizabethstoppedher.ShesaidsincetheDVDscreenwasinthebackandRosadidn’twatchshows,TJandHenryshouldsitbackthere.”
“Thatseemsreasonable,no?”Abesaid.
“No,notatall,”Mattsaid.“ElizabethwasveryparticularabouttheDVDsHenrywatched.”Matt’sfacetightened,andPakknewhewasthinkingabouttheDVD-selectionfight.Elizabethhadwantedsomethingeducational,ahistoryorsciencedocumentary.KitthadwantedBarney,TJ’sfavorite.Elizabethgavein,butafterafewdays,Elizabethsaid,“TJiseight.Don’tyouthinkyoushouldintroducesomethingmoreappropriateforhisage?”
“TJneedsthistobecalm.Youknowthat,”Kittsaid.“Henry’sfine;anhourofBarneywon’tkillhim.”
“AnhourwithoutBarneywon’tkillTJ,either.”
KittstaredintoElizabeth’seyesforalongtime.Sheseemedtosmile.“Fine.We’lldoityourway.”ShethrewtheBarneyDVDintohercubby.
Thatsessionhadbeenadisaster.TJscreamedwhenthedocumentarystarted.“Look,TJ,it’saboutdinosaurs,justlikeBarney,”ElizabethtriedtosayoverTJ’showls,butallhellbrokeloosewhenTJyankedoffhishelmetandstartedbanginghisheadagainstthewall.Henrycriedthathisearshurt,andMattscreamedforPaktoputintheBarneyDVD,ASAP.
Aftersummarizingtheincident,Mattsaid,“Afterthatday,PakalwaysputinBarney,andElizabethalwayssatHenryawayfromtheDVDscreen.ShesaidBarneywasjunk,andshedidn’twanthimnearit.SoforhertosuddenlychangehermindandhaveHenrysitbytheDVD—thatwasbeyondstrange.Kittevenaskedifshewassure,andElizabethsaiditwasaspecialtreatforHenry.”
“Dr.Thompson,”Abesaid,“didthedefendant’sseatingchangeaffectanythingelse?”
“Yes.Itchangedwhichoxygentankeveryonewasconnectedto.”
“Sorry,Idon’tquiteunderstand,”Abesaid.
Mattlookedtothejurors.“Before,Iexplainedthatyouconnectyourhelmettoanoxygenspigotinsidethechamber.Therearetwospigots,onefrontandoneback,eachconnectedtoaseparateoxygentankoutside.Twopeoplehookuptoonespigotandshareanoxygentank.”Thejurorsnodded.“BecauseofthewayElizabethchangedtheseating,Henryconnectedhisoxygentubetothebackspigotinsteadofthefrontonelikealways.”
“SothedefendantmadesureHenrywouldbeconnectedtothebackoxygentank?”
“Yes.AndshetoldmetomakesuretohookupminetothefrontandHenry’stotheback.Isaid,okay,butwhatdifferencedoesitmake?”
“And?”
“ShesaidI’mclosertothefrontandHenrytotheback,andifwegotourtubescrossed,Henry’sOCD—obsessive-compulsivedisorder—mightflareup.”
“HadHenryexhibitedsignsofthisOCD‘flare-up’”—Abedrewquotesintheair—“inanyofthethirty-plusdivesyou’ddonetogether?”
“No.”
“Andthen?”
“Isaidokay,I’llmakesurewedon’tcrossourtubes,butshewasn’tsatisfied.ShecrawledinandhookedupHenry’stubetothebackspigotherself.”
Abewalkedover,directlyinfrontofMatt.“Dr.Thompson,”hesaid,andasifoncue,theairconditionernearMattsputtered.“Whichoxygentankexploded?”
MattfixedhiseyesonElizabeth’sandspokewithoutblinking.Slowly.Deliberately.Eachsyllablepunctuated,coatedwithvenom,andtargetedtohitherandmakeherbleed.“Thebacktankblewup.Theoneconnectedtothebackspigot.Theonewhichthatwoman”—Mattpaused,andPakwassurehe’draisehisarmandpointhisfingerather,butinsteadheblinkedandlookedaway—“madesurewasconnectedtoherson’shead.”
“Andafterthedefendantseteverythingupthewayshewanted,whatthen?”Abesaid.
“ShesaidtoHenry,‘Iloveyouso,somuch,sweetie.’”
“Iloveyouso,somuch,sweetie,”AberepeatedasheturnedtoHenry’spicture,andPaksawthejurorsfrownatElizabeth,someshakingtheirheads.“Andthen?”
“Sheleft,”Mattsaid,hisvoicequiet.“Shesmiledandwaved,likeweweregoingonaroller-coasterride,andshewalkedaway.”
MATT
“SOTHEDEFENDANTLEAVESandtheeveningdivestarts.Whathappenednext,Dr.Thompson?”Abesaid.
He’dknownthedivewasseriouslyfuckedupthemomentthehatchclosed.Theairhadbeenunnaturallystill,which,combinedwiththebakedstenchofbodyodorandLysolthatpermeatedthechamber,madeitabitchtobreathe.KittaskedPaktotakethepressurizationextraslowforTJ,whowasrecoveringfromanearinfection,sothattooktenminutesinsteadoftheusualfive.Withthepressurization,theairgotdenserandhotter,ifthatwaspossible.TheportableDVDwasn’thookeduptothesoundsystem,andthefilteredsoundofBarneysingingWhat’llweseeatthezoo-zee-zoo?throughthethickglassportholemadethedivefeelsurreal,likereallybeingunderwater.
“ItwashotwithnoAC,butotherwise,thingswerenormal,”Mattsaid,whichwasn’treallytrue.He’dexpectedthewomentospendthedivedeconstructingElizabeth’sunexpectedchumminessandobviouslyfakedillness,butthey’dbothremainedsilent.MaybeitwastheawkwardnessoftalkingwithMattbetweenthem,ormaybetheheat.Inanycase,hewasgladforthechancetositandthink;heneededtofigureoutwhattosaytoMary.
“Whatwasthefirstsignoftrouble?”Abesaid.
“TheDVDwentdead,rightinthemiddleofasong.”Thesilenceofthatmomentwasabsolute.NohumoftheAC,noBarney,nochattering.Afterasecond,TJknockedontheporthole,asiftheDVDplayerwereasleepinganimalhecouldwakeup.“It’sokay,TJ;Ibetit’sjustthebatteries,”Kittsaidwiththekindofforcedevennessyouusedwhenyouhappeneduponasleepingbear.
Thenextpartherememberedinjags,likeoneofthoseold-fashionedfilmsthatgotat-tat-tatwhentheyturn,thescenessplicedcrudely,jumpingfromoneimagetothenext.TJpoundinghisfistsontheporthole.TJtakingoffandthrowinghisoxygenhelmetaside,thenhammeringhisheadonthewall.KitttryingtogetTJawayfromthewall.
“DidyouaskPaktostopthedive?”
Mattshookhishead.Now,inthelightofday,thatseemedtheobviousthingtodo.Butbackthen,everythinghadbeenfuzzy.“Teresasaidmaybeweshouldstop,butKittsaidno,wejustneededtorestarttheDVD.”
“WhatdidPaksay?”
MattglancedPak’sway.“Itwaschaosinthechamber,verynoisy,soIcouldn’treallyhear,buthesaidsomethingaboutgettingbatteries,ittakingafewminutes.”
“SoPak’sworkingtofixtheDVD.Thenwhat?”
“KittcalmeddownTJandgotthehelmetbackonhim.Shesangsongstokeephimcalm.”Ithadbeenonesong,actually:theBarneysongthatcutoffwhentheDVDdied.Overandover,softandslow,likealullaby.Sometimes,driftingofftosleep,Mattwouldhearit:Iloveyou,youloveme,we’reahap-pyfam-i-ly.He’djoltawake,heartthumpinghischest,andhe’dpicturehimselfrippingBarney’sfatpurpleheadoffandstompingonit,itspurplehandsstoppingmid-clapanddecapitatedpurplebodytoppling.
“Whathappenednext?”Abesaid.
Everyonehadbeenstillandquiet,Kitthalfmurmuring,halfsinging,andTJleaningagainstherchest,eyesclosed.Suddenly,Henrysaid,“Ineedthepeejar,”andreachedtograbtheurine-collectioncontainerinthebackforbathroomemergencies.Henry’schestsmashedagainstTJ’slegs,andTJstartled,joltinghisarmsandlegslikehe’dbeendefibrillated,andstartedkicking,outofcontrol.MattpulledHenryback,butTJyankedoffhishelmet,threwitinKitt’slap,andstartedbanginghisheadagain.
Itwashardtobelievethatachild’sheadcouldrepeatedlystrikeasteelwall,producingsuchheavythuds,andnotcrumpleintopieces.Listeningtothepounding,beingsurethatTJ’sheadwouldcrackwiththenextblow,madeMattwanttopulloffhisownhelmet,slaphispalmsoverhisears,andshuthiseyestight.Henryseemedtofeelthesame,turningtoMattwitheyessowidetheybulgedintocircleswithpinpointpupils.Bull’s-eye.
MatttookHenry’ssmallhandsintohisown.HebroughthisfaceclosertoHenry’s,smiledeyetoeye,theirhelmetsbetweenthem,andsaideverythingwasokay.“Justbreathe,”hesaid,andpuffedinadeepbreath,keepingasteadygazeonHenry’seyes.
HenrybreathedwithMatt.In,out.In,out.ThepanicinHenry’sfacebegantodissipate.Hiseyelidsrelaxed,hispupilsdilated,andtheedgesofhislipscurledintothebeginningsofasmile.InthegapinHenry’stopfrontteeth,Mattnoticedthetipofabuddingtooth.Hey,you’regettinganewtooth,Mattwasopeninghismouthtosay,whentheboomsounded.MattthoughtofTJ’sheadcrackingopen,butitwaslouderthanthat,thesoundofahundredheadsbangingsteel,athousand.Likeabombgoingoff,outside.
Mattblinked—howlongdidthattake?Atenthofasecond?Ahundredth?—then,whereHenry’sfacehadbeen,therewasfire.Face,thenblink,thenfire.No,fasterthanthat.Face,blink,fire.Face-blink-fire.Facefire.
ABEDIDN’TSPEAKforalongtime.Mattdidn’t,either.Justsatthere,listeningtothesobsandsnifflesfromthegallery,jurybox,everywhereexceptthedefensetable.
“Counsel,wouldyoulikearecess?”thejudgeaskedAbe.
AbelookedatMattwithraisedeyebrows,thelinesaroundhiseyesandmouthsayingthathewastired,too,thatitwasokaytostop.
MattturnedtoElizabeth.She’dbeenremarkablycomposed,tothepointofappearingdisinterested,allday.Buthe’dexpectedthefa?adetobreakbynow,forhertowailthatshelovedherson,thatshecouldneverhurthim.Something,anything,toshowthedevastationthatanydecenthumanbeingwouldfeel,beingaccusedofmurderingherownchildandhearingthegruesomedetailsofhisdeath.Tohellwithdecorum,tohellwithrules.Butshe’dsaidnothing,donenothing.JustlistenedtoitallgazingatMattwithacasualcuriosity,asifshewerewatchingashowonAntarctica’sclimatepattern.
Mattwantedtorunupandgrabhershouldersandshakeher.HewantedtoshovehisfaceintohersandscreamthathestillhadnightmaresaboutHenryinthatmoment,lookinglikesomealieninakid’sdrawing—abubbleheadofflames,therestofhisbodyperfectlyintact,hisclothesuntouched,buthislegsthrashinginasilentscream.Hewantedtozapthatimageintoherhead,transferitormind-melditorwhateverittooktopopthatfuckingcomposureoffherandheaveitwaythehellawaywhereshecouldneverfinditagain.
“No,”MattsaidtoAbe,nolongertired,nolongerinneedofthebreakhe’dprayedfor.Thesoonerhegotthissociopathhauledofftodeathrow,thebetter.“I’dliketocontinue.”
Abenodded.“TelluswhathappenedtoKittaftertheexplosionoutside.”
“Thefirewasisolatedtothebackoxygenspigot.TJ’shelmetwasalsoconnectedtothat,butTJhadtakenitoffandKittwasholdingit.Theflamesshotoutoftheopening,ontoKitt’slap,andshecaughtonfire.”
“Whatthen?”
“ItriedtogetHenry’shelmetoff,but…”Mattlookeddownathishands.Thescartissueovertheamputatedstumpslookedglossyandnew,likemeltedplastic.
“Dr.Thompson?Wereyouableto?”Abesaid.
Mattlookedup.“I’msorry.No.”Mattforcedhisvoicetobelouder,hiswordstocomefaster.“Theplasticstartedtomelt,anditwastoohot;Icouldn’tkeepmyhandsonit.”Ithadbeenlikegrabbingared-hotpokerandtryingtoholdon.Hishandsrefusedwhathismindwilledthemtodo.Ormaybethatwasalie;maybehe’dwantedtodojustenoughtotellhimselfhe’dtriedhisbest.Thathehadn’tletaboydiebecausehedidn’twanttodamagehisprecioushands.“Itookoffmyshirt,wrappeditaroundmyhandstotryagain,butHenry’shelmetstarteddisintegratingandmyhandscaughtfire.”
“Whatabouttheothers?”
“Kittwasscreaming,smokewaseverywhere.TeresawastryingtogetTJtocrawlup,awayfromtheflames.WewereallscreamingforPaktoopenup.”
“Didhe?”
“Yes.Pakopenedthehatchandpulledusout.RosaandTeresafirst,thenhecrawledinandpushedTJandmeout.”
“Andthen?”
“Thebarnwasonfire.Thesmokesothick,wecouldn’tbreathe.Idon’trememberhow…somehow,PakgotTeresa,Rosa,TJ,andmeoutofthebarn,thenheranbackin.Hewasgoneawhile.Eventually,hecameoutcarryingHenryandlaidhimdownontheground.Pakwashurt—coughing,burnsallover—andItoldhimtowaitforhelp,buthewouldn’tlisten.HewentbackinforKitt.”
“WhataboutHenry?Whatwashiscondition?”
MatthadwalkedtowardHenryquickly,hadfoughtoffthewayeverycellinhisbodyscreamedathimtorunthefuckaway.HeslumpeddownandheldHenry’shand—unblemished,notascratch,liketherestofhisbodyfromtheneckdown.Hisclothesunburned,socksstillwhite.
MatttriednottolookatHenry’shead.Evenso,hecouldseethathishelmetwasgone.Pakmust’vemanagedtofinallygetitoff,hethought,buthesawthebluelatexaroundHenry’sneckandrealized:thehelmet’sclearplastichadmeltedaway,leavingbehindthesealedring.Thefire-retardantpiecethatprotectedeverythingbelowHenry’sneckandkeptitpristine.
HeforcedhimselftolookatHenry’shead.Itwassmoldering,thehairsingedaway,everyinchofhisskincharredandblisteredandbloody.Thedamagewastheworstnearhisrightjaw,thepointatwhichtheoxygen—thefire—blewintothehelmet.Hisskinhadburnedoffcompletelythere,andhisboneandteethflashedthrough.HesawHenry’snewtooth,thegumspreviouslyhidingitnowgone.Perfectandtiny,setabovetheothers,whichyoucouldtellwerebabyteethbecausethegrown-upteethyettogrowinwereabovethem,inplainsight.Agentlewindblew,andMattgotawhiffofcharredflesh,ofsingedhair,cookedmeat.
“BythetimeIgottohim,”MattsaidtoAbe,“Henrywasdead.”
YOUNG
HERHOUSEWASNOTEXACTLYAHOUSE.Moreofashack.Itcouldlookquaint,ifyoulookedatitacertainway.Shapedlikeatinylogcabinortreehouse,thekindateenagermightbuildwithhisnot-so-handyfather,andtowhichakindmothermightcomment,“Verygoodeffort.Andyou’veneverevenhadaclassonwoodworking!”
Thefirsttimeshesawit,YoungsaidtoMary,“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatitlookslike.It’llkeepusdryandsafe.That’swhat’simportant.”Itwashardtofeelsafe,though,inacreakyshackthatdroopedtooneside,asifthewholestructurewasslowlysinkingintotheground.(Thelotwassoftandmuddy,sothisseemedpossible.)Thedoor,thesingle“window”—clearplasticduct-tapedtoaholeinthewall:bothwerelopsided,andtheplywoodlayonthefloorunevenly.Whoeverbuiltthishuthadnotbeenfamiliarwithlevelsortheconceptofrightangles.
Butnow,openingthecrookeddoorandsteppingontothewobblyfloor,safewasexactlyhowYoungfelt.Safetodowhatshe’dwantedsincethejudgebangedthegaveltoendthefirstdayoftrial:laughoutloud,bothrowsofteethshowing,andshoutthatshelovedAmericantrials,lovedAbe,lovedthejudge,and,mostofall,lovedthejurors.Shelovedhowtheyignoredthejudge’sinstructionsnottodiscussthiscasewithanyone,evenoneanother,and,assoonashestoodtoleave—Younglovedthatmost,theirnotevenwaitinguntilhewasgone—startedtalkingaboutElizabeth,howcreepyshewas,andwhatnerve,showingherfacehereinfrontofpeoplewhoselivesshe’druined.ShelovedhowtheystoodtoleaveandglareddownatElizabethinunison,likeagang,thesameexpressionofdisgustontheirfaces—thebeautifuluniformityofit,asifithadbeenchoreographed.
Youngknewsheshouldn’tfeelthisway,notafterMatt’shorrifyingtestimonyrecallingHenry’sandKitt’sdeaths,hisburns,theamputationofhisfingers,thedifficultyoflearningtodoeverythingwithhislefthand.Butshe’dlivedthelastyearinperpetualsadness,rememberingPak’sscreamsinthehospitalburnunitandimaginingafuturewithoutfunctioninglimbs,andhearingaboutitnolongeraffectedher.Likethosefrogsthatgetsousedtohotwater,theystayintheboilingpot.She’dgottenusedtotragedy,becomenumbtoit.
Butjoyandrelief—thosewererelics,buriedandforgotten,andnowthattheywereunearthed,therewasnocontainingthem.WhenMatttestifiedabouttheminutesbeforetheexplosionandtherewasnoquestion,notahint,ofPak’sabsencefromthebarn:itwasasifsludgehadbeeninherveins,cuttingoffherorgans,andrightthen,adambrokeanditallrushedout.ThestoryPakhadinventedtoprotectthemhad,withtimeandrepetition,becomethetruth,andtheonlypersonwhocouldchallengeithadcementeditinstead.
YoungturnedtohelpPakinside.Assheapproachedhim,hesaid,“Todaywasagoodday,”andgrinnedather.Helookedlikeaboy,hismouthcrooked,onecornerhigherthantheother,adimpleonlyononecheek.“Iwaiteduntilwewerealonetotellyouthegoodnews,”hecontinued,hisgringettingwiderandmorecrooked,andYoungfeltadeliciousconspiratorialtogethernesswithherhusband.“Theinsuranceinvestigatorwasincourt.Wetalkedwhenyouwereinthebathroom.He’sfilinghisreportassoonastheverdict’sannounced.Hesaidit’lltakeonlyafewweeksforustogetallthemoney.”
Youngtiltedherheadback,clappedherhands,andclosedhereyestothesky,thewayhermotheralwaysdidtopraiseGodforgoodnews.Paklaughed,andshedid,too.“DoesMaryknow?”shesaid.
“No.Wouldyouliketotellher?”hesaid.Itsurprisedher,hisaskingherpreferenceratherthanorderingitdoneaparticularway.
Youngnoddedandsmiled,feelingunsurebuthappylikeabrideonherwedding’seve.“Yourest.I’llgotellher.”Passinghim,sheputherhandonhisshoulder.Insteadofrollingaway,Pakplacedhishandonhersandsmiled.Theirhandstogether—ateam,aunit.
Youngsavoredthegiddinessthatfrothedthroughherlikehelium-infusedbubbles,andevenMary’ssadness—apparentinthewayshestoodbeforethebarn,slumped,gazingattheruinsandcryingsoftly—couldn’tmarit.Ifanything,Mary’stearsbuoyedYoungmore.Sincetheexplosion,Mary’spersonalityhadflippedfromahot-tempered,talkativegirltoadetached,mutefacsimileofherdaughter.Mary’sdoctorshaddiagnosedherwithpost-traumaticstressdisorder(PTSD,theycalledit—Americanshadsuchapenchantforreducingphrasestoacronyms;savingsecondswassoimportanttothem),andsaidherrefusaltodiscussthatdaywas“classicPTSD.”Shehadn’twantedtoattendthetrial,butherdoctorssaidothers’accountsmighttriggerhermemory.AndYounghadtoagree,todayhaddefinitelyloosenedsomething.ThewayMaryhadfocusedonMatt’stestimony,intentonlearningeverydetailaboutthatday—theprotesters,delays,poweroutage,allthethingsshe’dmissedbecauseshe’dbeeninSATclassesallday.Andnow,crying.Anactualemotion—herfirstnonblankreactionsincetheexplosion.
GettingclosertoMary,YoungrealizedMary’slipsweremoving,emittingbarelyaudiblemurmurs.“Soquiet…soquiet…,”Marywassaying,butethereally,hypnotically,likeameditativechant.WhenMaryfirstawokefromhercoma,shesaidthisalot,variationsinEnglishandKoreanonthequietnessbeforetheexplosion.Thedoctorexplainedthattraumavictimsoftenfocusintentlyononesensoryelementoftheevent,relivingandturningthatsingledetailoverandoverintheirminds.“Victimsofexplosionsoftenbecomehauntedbytheexplosion’ssound,”he’dsaid.“It’snaturalthatshe’dfixateontheauditoryjuxtapositionofthatmoment—thesilencebeforetheblast.”
YoungsteppednexttoMary.Marydidn’tmove,kepthereyesfocusedonthecharredsubmarine,tearsstilltrickling.YoungsaidinKorean,“Iknowtodaywashard,butI’mgladyou’reabletocryaboutthis,finally,”andreachedtorestherhandonMary’sshoulder.
Marysnatchedhershoulderaway.“Youknownothing,”shesaidinEnglish,chokedinsobs,andranintotheirhouse.Therejectionstung,butthatwasmomentary,soothedbyYoung’srealizationthatwhathadjusthappened—sobbing,yelling,runningaway,allofit—wastypicalofthereal,pre-explosionMary.Itwasfunny,howshe’dhatedtheteenage-girlmelodramaandscoldedMarytostopthatnonsense,andyethadmisseditonceitwasgoneandnowwasrelievedatitsreturn.
ShefollowedMaryinandopenedtheblackshowercurtaindemarcatingMary’ssleepingcorner.Itwastooflimsytoaffordher(orPakandYoungontheotherside)muchprivacyandservedmostlyasasymbol,avisualdeclarationofateenager’sdemandtobeleftalone.
Marywaslyingonhersleepingmat,facesunkenintoherpillow.YoungsatandsmoothedMary’slongblackhair.“Ihavegoodnews,”Youngsaid,makingherwordsgentle.“Ourinsuranceiscomingthrough,assoonasthetrialends.Wecanmovesoon.You’vealwayswantedtoseeCalifornia.Youcanapplytocollegethere,andwecanforgetallthis.”
Maryraisedherheadabit,likeababystrugglingwiththeweightofherhead,andturnedtoYoung.CreasemarksfromthewrinkledpillowcaselinedMary’sface,andhereyeswerepuffyslits.“Howcanyouthinkaboutthat?HowcanyoutalkaboutcollegeandCaliforniawhenKittandHenryaredead?”Mary’swordswereaccusatory,buthereyeswerewide,asifimpressedbyYoung’sabilitytofocusonnontragicthingsandsearchingforcluesonhowtodothesame.
“Iknowit’sterrible,everythingthat’shappened.Butweneedtomoveon.Focusonourfamily,yourfuture.”YoungsmoothedMary’sforeheadlightly,asifironingsilk.
Maryputherheaddown.“Ididn’tknowthat’showHenrydied.Hisface…”Maryclosedhereyes,andtearsdroppedandstainedherpillowcase.
Younglaydownnexttoherdaughter.“Shhh,it’sokay.”ShebrushedMary’shairawayfromhereyesandcombeditwithherfingersthewayshehadeverynightinKorea.Howmuchshe’dmissedthis.YounghatedmanythingsabouttheirAmericanlife:beingasplinteredgoosefamilyforfouryears;discovering(aftersettlinginBaltimore)thattheirhostfamilyexpectedhertoworkfromsixa.m.tomidnight,sevendaysaweek;becomingaprisoner,lockedawayinbulletproofedisolation.Butthethingsheregrettedmostwasthelossofclosenesswithherdaughter.Forfouryears,sheneversawher.MarywasasleepwhenYounggothomeandstillasleepwhensheleft.Maryvisitedthestorethefirstfewweekends,butshespentthewholetimecryingabouthowmuchshehatedschool,howmeanthekidswere,howshecouldn’tunderstandanyoneandshemissedherfatherandmissedherfriendsandonandon.Thencameanger,Mary’sshoutsaccusingYoungofabandoningher,leavingheranorphaninastrangecountry.Thenfinally,worstofall,silentavoidance.Noyells,nopleas,noglares.
ThethingYoungneverunderstoodwaswhyMarydirectedherangersolelyather.PakstayinginKorea,theBaltimorehost-familyarrangement—everythinghadbeenhisplan.Maryknewthis,hadwitnessedhimissuingcommandsandsilencingYoung’sobjections,andyetMarysomehowblamedher.ItwasasifMaryassociatedallthetransitionpainsofimmigration—separation,loneliness,bullies—withYoung(becauseYoungwasinAmerica),whereasPak,byvirtueofhislocation,shegroupedwithherwarmmemoriesofKorea—family,togetherness,fittingin.Theirhostfamilysaidtowait,thatMarywouldfollowthetypicalpatternofimmigrantkidshyperassimilating,toofastandtoomuch,drivingparentscrazywiththeirpreferencesofEnglishtoKorean,McDonald’stokimchi.ButMaryneverthawed,toYoungortoAmerica,evenaftershestartedmakingfriendsandspeakingexclusivelyinEnglishontherareoccasionsshedeignedtospeaktoYoung,untileventuallythoseearlyassociationsbecameamathematicaltruth,foreverconstant:
(Pak=Korea=happiness)>(Young=America=misery)
Butwasthatover?Forherewasherdaughternow,lettingYoungrakeherfingersthroughherhairwhileshecried,beingcomfortedbythisintimateact.Afterfiveminutes,maybeten,Mary’sbreathingslowedtoanevenrhythm,andYounglookedathersleepingface.Awake,Mary’sfacewasallsharpangles—thinnose,highcheekbones,deepfrownsthatlinedherforeheadliketraintracks.Butasleep,everythingsoftenedlikemeltingwax,theanglesgivingwaytogentlecurves.EventhescaronMary’scheeklookeddelicate,likeshecouldbrushitoff.
Youngclosedhereyesandmatchedherbreathingtoherdaughter’s,andshefeltapinchofdizziness,ofunfamiliarity.HowmanytimeshadshelainnexttoMaryandheldher?Hundredsoftimes?Thousands?Butallyearsago.Inthelastdecade,theonlytimeshe’dallowedYoungtotouchherforsustainedperiodswasinthehospital.Peopletalkedsomuchaboutthelossofintimacybetweenmarriedcouplesastheyearsprogress,somanystudiesaboutthenumberoftimesacouplehassexinthefirstyearofmarriageversustheremainingyears,butnoonemeasuredthenumberofhoursspentholdingyourbabyinthefirstyearoflifeversustheremainingyears,thedramaticdissipationofintimacy—thesensualfamiliarityofnursing,holding,comforting—aschildrenpassfrominfancyandtoddlerhoodtotheteens.Youlivedinthesamehouse,buttheintimacywasgone,replacedbyaloofness,withsplashesofannoyance.Likeanaddiction,youcouldgoforyearswithoutit,butyouneverforgotit,neverstoppedmissingit,andwhenyougotadabofit,likenow,youcraveditmoreandwantedtogorgeonit.
Youngopenedhereyes.ShebroughtherfacecloseandtouchedhernosetoMary’s,thewaysheusedtolongago.Herdaughter’swarmbreathsblewonherlips,likegentlekisses.
FORDINNER,YoungmadethedishthatPakpretendedwashisfavorite:tofu-and-onionsoupinathicksoybeanpaste.Hisactualfavoritefoodwasgalbi,marinatedshortribs—hadbeensincethey’dmetincollege.Butribs,evenpoor-qualityscraps,wereoverfourdollarsperpound.Tofucosttwodollarsperbox,whichtheycouldmanageiftheystucktorice,kimchi,andthedollar-per-dozenramentherestoftheweek.Onhisfirstdayhomefromthehospital,she’dservedthissoup,andhe’dbreathedindeeply,fillinghislungswiththepungentzestofsoybeancurdandsweetonions.Heclosedhiseyesafterthefirstbite,saidthatfourmonthsofblandhospitalfoodhadlefthimcravingstrongflavors,anddeclaredYoung’ssouphisnewfavorite.Sheknewhewasjustsavinghishonor—Pakwasashamedoftheirfinancesandrefusedtoevendiscussthem—butregardless,hisobviousdelightwitheverybitehadpleasedher,andshe’dmadeitasoftenasshecould.
Standingoverthesimmeringpot,stirringinthecurdpasteandwatchingthewaterturnarichbrown,Younghadtolaughathowcontentedshefelt,atthefactthatthiswasthehappiestshecouldrememberfeelinginAmerica.Objectively,thiswasthelowestpointofherAmerican—no,entire—life:herhusbandparalyzed;herdaughteracatatonicmess,herfacescarredandpsycheshattered;theirfinancesnonexistent.Youngshould’vebeenindespair,soweigheddownbythebleaknessofhersituation,byothers’pity,thatshecouldbarelystand.
Andyet,hereshewas.Enjoyingthefeelofthewoodenspooninherhand,thesimplemotionofstirringslicedonionintothecurrentoftheliquid,breathinginthetangyvaporswaftingupandwarmingherface.ShereplayedPak’swordsabouttheincominginsurancemoneyand,evenmore,thewayhishandhadnestledhers,thewarmthofhissmile.SheandPakhadlaughedtogethertoday—whenwasthelasttimethey’ddonethat?Itwasasifbeingdeprivedofjoyforsolonghadmadeheroversensitivetoit,sothatevenasliverofpleasure—theeverydaykindsheexpectedandthereforedidn’tnoticewhenlifewasnormal—nowleftherinthekindofcelebratorystatesheassociatedwithmilestonessuchasengagementsandgraduations.
“Happinessisrelative,”Teresahadtoldheronce,afewdaysbeforetheexplosion.Teresahadarrivedearlyforthemorningdive,soYounginvitedhertowaitinthehousewhilePakgotthebarnready.MarystoppedonherwayouttoSATclass.“Ms.Santiago,nicetoseeyouagain.Hi,Rosa,”Marysaid,bendingdowntoputherfacelevelwithRosa’s.ItamazedYounghowfriendlyMarycouldbe,toeveryoneexcepthermother.EvenRosarespondedtothecheerfulliltinMary’svoice;shesmiledandseemedtostraintosaysomething,ahalfgrunt,halfgurglecomingfromherthroat.
“Listentothat,”Teresasaid.“She’stryingtotalk.Thiswholeweek,she’sbeenmakingsomanysounds.HBOT’sreallyworkingforher.”TeresaputherforeheadtoRosa’s,mussedupherhair,andlaughed.Rosaclosedherlipsandhummed,thenopenedherlips,makinga“muh”sound.
Teresagasped.“Didyouhearthat?ShesaidMa.”
“Shedid!ShesaidMa,”Marysaid,andYoungfeltatinglerushthroughher.
Teresacroucheddown,lookingupatRosa’sface.“Canyousayitagain,mysweetgirl?MaMama.”
Rosahummedagain,thensaid,“Ma,”thenagain,“Ma!”
“OhmyGod!”TeresakissedRosaallaroundherface,featherypecksthatmadeRosalaugh.YoungandMarylaughed,too,feelingthewonderofthemomentrippleacrossthem,bindingtheminsharedamazement.Teresaputherheadback,asifinasilentprayerofthankstoGod,andYoungsawitthen:tearsstreamingdownherface,hereyesclosedinblisssocompletethatshecouldn’tcontainit,couldn’tkeepherlipsfromstretchingsowide,hermolarsshowed.TeresakissedRosa’sforehead.Notapeckthistime,butalingeringsavoringofRosa’sskinagainstherlips.
Youngfeltajoltofenvy.Itwasridiculoustofeeljealousofawomanwithadaughterwhocouldn’twalkortalk,withnocollege,husband,orchildreninherfuture.SheshouldfeelsorryforTeresa,notenvious,shetoldherself.Andyet,whenhadshefeltpurejoylikethatradiatingfromTeresa’sface?Certainlynotanytimerecently,wheneverythingshesaidcausedMarytofrownandyellor,worse,ignoreherandpretendshedidn’tknowher.
ToTeresa,Rosasaying“Mama”wasamiraculousachievement,somethingthatgavehermorehappinessthan…thanwhat?WhathadMarydone,whatcouldshedo,tomakeYoungfeelthatmuchwonder?GetintoHarvardorYale?
Asiftounderscorethispoint,Marysaidawarmgood-byetoTeresaandRosa,thenturnedtoleavewithoutsayinganythingtoYoung.
YoungfelthercheeksflushandwonderedifTeresanoticed.“Drivesafely,Mary.”Youngputafalsebrightnessintohervoice.“Dinneris8:30,”shesaidinEnglish,notwantingtoberudetoTeresabyusingKorean,eventhoughshefeltself-consciousspeakingEnglishinfrontofMary,knowingthatheraccent,likeeverythingelse,embarrassedMary
YoungturnedtoTeresaandforcedoutachuckle.“Sheissobusy.SATclasses,tennis,violin.Canyoubelievesheisalreadyresearchingcolleges?Iguessthatiswhatsixteen-year-oldgirlsdo.”Evenbeforeshesaidit,she’dwantedtostopherwords.Butitwasasifshewerewatchingamoviealreadymade,unabletostopwhatwascoming.Thefactwas,foramoment—thebriefestmoment,butlongenoughtododamage—she’dwantedtohurtTeresa.She’dwantedtoinjectadoseofdarkrealityintoherblissandsnapheroutofit.She’dwantedtoremindherofallthethingsthatRosashouldbedoingbutwasnotandneverwould
Teresa’sfacewentsaggy,thecornersofhereyesandlipsdroopingdramatically,asifsomeinvisiblelineholdingthemuphadbeencut.Itwasexactlythereactionshe’dsought,butassoonasshesawit,Younghatedherself.
“Iamsorry.IdonotknowwhyIsaidthat.”YoungreachedouttotouchTeresa’shand.“Iwasveryinsensitive.”
Teresalookedup.“It’sallright,”shesaid.Young’sdoubtmusthaveshowed,becauseTeresasmiledandclaspedherhand.“Really,Young,it’sfine.WhenRosafirstgotsick,itwashard.EverytimeIsawagirlherage,I’dthink,‘ThatshouldbeRosa.Sheshouldbeplayingsoccerandhavingslumberparties.’But,atsomepoint”—shestrokedRosa’shair—“Iacceptedit.Ilearnednottoexpecthertobelikeotherkids,andnowI’mlikeanymom.Ihavegooddaysandbad,andsometimesI’mfrustrated,butsometimesshedoessomethingthatmakesmelaughorsomethingnewshe’sneverdone,likenow,andthenlifeisprettygood,youknow?”
Younghadnodded,butshehadn’treallygraspedhowTeresacouldlookhappy,behappy,whenherlifewas,byanyobjectivemeasure,sohardandtragic.Butnow,kissingPak’scheektowakehimfordinner,seeinghimsmileashesaid,“Youmademyfavorite.Thatsmellswonderful”—sheunderstood.Itwaswhyallthestudiesshowedthatrich,successfulpeoplewhoshouldbethehappiest—CEOs,lotterywinners,Olympicchampions—weren’t,infact,thehappiest,andwhythepooranddisabledweren’tnecessarilythemostdepressed:yougotusedtoyourlife,whateveraccomplishmentsandtroublesithappenedtohold,andadjustedyourexpectationsaccordingly.
AfterwakingPak,YoungwalkedtoMary’scornerandstompedonthefloortwice—thefauxknocktheyusedtoenhancetheillusionofprivacy—andopenedtheshowercurtain.Marywasstillasleep,herhairwildandmouthagapelikeababyrootingformilk.Howvulnerableshelooked,justthewayshe’dlookedaftertheexplosion,bodycrumpledandbloodstreamingfromhercheeks.Youngblinkedtodislodgethatimageandkneltnexttoherdaughter.SheplacedherlipsonMary’stemple.Sheclosedhereyesandletherkisslinger,savoringthefeelofMary’sskinagainstherlips,therhythmofherbloodpulsingunderneath,andwonderedhowlongshecouldstaylikethis,joinedtoherdaughter,skintoskin.
MARYYOO
SHEAWOKETOTHESOUNDofhermother’svoice.“Meh-hee-yah,wakeup.Dinnertime,”shesaid,butinawhisper—asif,contrarytoherwords,sheweretryingnottowakeher.Marykepthereyesclosedandtriedtoquellthesurgeofdisorientationshefelt,hearinghermothersay“Meh-hee”inagentletone.Forthelastfiveyears,hermotherhadusedherKoreannameonlywhenshewasannoyedwithher,duringfights.Infact,hermotherhadn’tsaid“Meh-hee”atallinayear;sincetheexplosion,hermotherwasbeingextraniceandused“Mary”exclusively.
Thefunnythingwas,MaryhatedherAmericanname.Notalways.Whenhermother(who’dstudiedEnglishincollegeandstillreadAmericanbooks)suggested“Mary”astheclosestapproximationof“Meh-hee,”she’dbeenexcitedtofindanamewiththesamestartingsyllableasherown.Onthefourteen-hourflightfromSeoultoNewYork—herlasthoursasYooMeh-hee—she’dpracticedwritinghernewname,fillinganentiresheetwithM-A-R-Ysandthinkinghowprettytheletterslooked.Aftertheylanded,whentheAmericanimmigrationofficerlabeledher“MaryYoo,”rollingtherinthatexoticwayherKoreantonguecouldn’treplicate,shefeltslightlyglamorousanddizzy,likeabutterflynewlyemergedfromacocoon.
ButtwoweeksintohernewmiddleschoolinBaltimore—duringrollcall,whenshewassecretlyreadinglettersfromfriendsbackhomeandshedidn’trecognizehernewnameanddidn’tanswerandthekidsstartedtittering—thenewborn-butterflyfeelinggavewaytoasenseofdeepdissonance,likeforcingasquareintoaroundhole.Later,whentwogirlsreenactedthesceneforthecafeteria,theramen-hairedgirl’screscendoingrepetitionofhernewname—“MaryYoo?Ma-ryYoooo?MA-REEEEE?YOOOOO?”—feltlikehammerblows,hersquarecornersshattering.
Sheknew,ofcourse,thatthenamewasn’ttoblame,thattheactualproblemwasnotknowingthelanguage,customs,people,anything.Butitwashardnottoassociatehernewnamewiththenewher.InKorea,asMeh-hee,she’dbeenatalker.Shegotintroubleconstantlyforchattingwithfriendsandarguedherwayoutofmostpunishments.Thenewher,Mary,wasamutemathgeek.Acoreofquiet,obedientandalone,wrappedbyacarapaceoflowexpectations.ItwasasifdiscardingherKoreannamehadweakenedher,likecuttingSamson’shair,andthereplacementcamewithameekpersonashedidn’trecognizeorlike.
Thefirsttimehermothercalledher“Mary”wastheweekendaftertheroll-call/cafeteriaincident,duringMary’sfirstvisittotheirhostfamily’sgrocerystore.TheKangshadspenttwoweekstraininghermother,andthey’ddeemedherreadytotakeoverthestore’smanagement.Priortothevisit,Maryhadenvisionedasleeksupermarket—everythinginAmericawassupposedtobeimpressive;thatwaswhythey’dmovedhere—butwalkingfromthecar,Maryhadtosidestepbrokenbottles,cigarettebutts,andsomeonesleepingonthesidewalkundertornnewspaper.
Thestorevestibulewaslikeafreightelevator,inbothsizeandlooks.Thickglassseparatedthecustomersfromthevault-likeroomcontainingtheproducts,andsignslinedthelazySusantransactionwindow:PROTECTEDBYBULLETPROOFGLASS,CUSTOMERISKING,andOPEN6A.M.TO12A.M.7DAYSAWEEK.Assoonashermotherunlockedthebullet-andapparentlyodor-proofdoor,Marygotawhiffofdelimeat.
“Sixtomidnight?Everyday?”Marysaidbeforesheevensteppedin.HermothergaveanembarrassedsmiletotheKangsandledMarydownanarrowcorridorpasttheice-creamcooleranddelislicer.Assoonastheyreachedtheback,Maryfacedhermother.“Howlonghaveyouknownaboutthis?”shesaid.
Hermother’sfacecrinkledinpain.“Meh-hee-yah,allthistime,Ithoughttheywantedmetohelpthem,asanassistant.Ionlyrealizedlastnight—they’reconsideringthistheirretirement.Iaskedifthey’dhiresomeonetohelp,maybeonceaweek,buttheysaidtheycan’taffordthat,notwithwhatthey’repayingforyourschool.”Shesteppedbackandopenedadoortorevealacupboard.Amattresswasstuffedin,almostfullycoveringtheconcretefloor.“Theysetupaplaceformetosleep.Noteverynight,justifI’mtootiredtodrivehome.”
“Sowhydon’tIstayherewithyou?Icangotoschoolhere,ormaybeIcancomeafterschoolandhelpyou,”Marysaid.
“No,theschoolsinthisneighborhoodareterrible.Andyoucan’tbehereatnighttimeatall.It’ssodangerous,somanygangs,and…”Hermothershuthermouthandshookherhead.“TheKangscanbringyouforshortvisitsonweekends,butit’ssofarfromtheirhouse…Wecan’timposeonthemtoomuch.”
“Usimposeonthem?”Marysaid.“They’retreatingyoulikeaslave,andyou’relettingthem.Idon’tevenknowwhywecamehere.What’ssogreataboutAmericanschools?They’redoingmathIdidinfourthgrade!”
“Iknowit’shardnow,”hermothersaid,“butit’sallforyourfuture.Weneedtoacceptthat,tryourbest.”
Marywantedtorailagainsthermotherforgivingin,refusingtofight.She’ddonethesamethinginKorea,whenherfatherfirsttoldthemofhisplans.Maryknewhermotherhatedtheidea—she’doverheardtheirfights—butintheend,hermotherhadgivenin,thewayshealwaysdid,thewayshewasdoingnow.
Marysaidnothing.Shesteppedbackandsquintedtoseehermothermoreclearly,thiswomanwithtearspoolinginthecreasesbetweenherfingers,claspedtogetherasifinprayer.Sheturnedherbackandwalkedaway.
Marystayedtherestoftheday,whiletheKangswentouttocelebratetheirretirement.Asupsetasshewaswithhermother,shecouldn’thelpbutbeimpressedbythefinesseandenergywithwhichsheranthestore.She’dbeentrainingforonlytwoweeks,butsheknewmostofthecustomers,greetingthembynameandaskingaftertheirfamiliesinEnglish—haltingandwithanaccent,butstill,betterthanMaryherselfcoulddo.Inmanyways,shewasmaternalwithhercustomers:anticipatingtheirneeds;liftingtheirmoodwithheraffectionate,almostcoquettishlaughter;butbeingfirmwhenneeded,aswhensheremindedseveralcustomersthatfoodstampscouldnotbuycigarettes.Watchinghermother,itoccurredtoMary:thepossibilitythathermotheractuallylikedithere.Wasthatwhytheywerestaying?Becauserunningastorewasmorefulfillingthanbeingameremothertoher?
Lateafternoon,twogirlswalkedin,theyoungeraroundfiveandtheolderMary’sage.Hermotherimmediatelyunlockedthedoor.“Anisha,Tosha.Youbothlooksoprettytoday,”shesaid,andhuggedthem.“Meetmydaughter,Mary.”
Mary.Itsoundedforeigninhermother’sfamiliar,liltingtone,likeawordshe’dneverheardbefore.Unnatural.Wrong.Shestoodthere,silent,asthefive-year-oldsmiledandsaid,“Ilikeyourmommy.ShegivesmeTootsieRolls.”Hermotherlaughed,handedthegirlaTootsieRoll,andkissedherforehead.“Sothat’swhyyoucomeineveryday.”
Theoldergirltoldhermother,“Guesswhat?IgotanAonmymathtest!”Ashermothersaid,“Wow!Itoldyou,youcandoit,”thegirlsaidtoMary,“Yourmom’sbeenhelpingmewithlongdivisionthiswholeweek.”
Aftertheyleft,hermothersaid,“Aren’ttheysweetgirls?Ifeelsobadforthem;theirfatherdiedlastyear.”
Marytriedtofeelsadforthem.Shetriedtofeelproudthatthisbeloved,generouswomanwashermother.Butallshecouldthinkwasthatthesegirlswouldseeher,hughereveryday,andshewouldnot.“It’sdangerousopeningthedoorlikethat,”Marysaid.“Whyhavethebulletproofdoorifyou’rejustgoingtoopenitandletpeopleinside?”
Hermothergazedatherforalongmoment.Shesaid,“Meh-hee-yah,”andtriedtoputherarmsaroundher.Marysteppedbacktoavoidhertouch.“MynameisMarynow,”shesaid.
THATWASTHEDAYMarystartedcallingher“Mom”insteadof“Um-ma.”Um-mawasthemotherwhoknittedhersoftsweaters,whogreetedhereverydayafterschoolwithbarleyteaandplayedjackswithherwhilelisteningtostoriesaboutwhathappenedthatday.Andthoselunches—whoatschoolhadn’tenviedUm-ma’sspeciallunches?ThestandardlunchboxfareinKoreawasriceandkimchiinastainless-steelcontainer.ButUm-maalwaysputinextras—fluffybitsoffishwiththebonespluckedout,afriedeggnestedperfectlyinthericemoundlikeasnowyvolcanoeruptingyellowyolk,ghim-bopseaweedrollswithdaikonradishandcarrots,andyoo-boo-bop,sweetstickyricetuckedinsidedoll-sizedpillowcasesoffriedtofu.
ButthatUm-mawasgone,replacedbyMom,awomanwholeftheraloneinsomeoneelse’shouse,whodidn’tknowabouttheboyswhocalledher“stupidchink”andthegirlswhogiggledaboutherinfrontofher,whodidn’tknowthatherdaughterwasstrugglingtoknowwhoMarywasandwhereMeh-heehadgone.
Soassheleftthestorethatday,Marysaid“Farewell”inKorean—shedeliberatelychosetheformalphrasethatimplieddistance,meantforstrangers—then,lookingstraightintohereyes,said“Mom”insteadof“Um-ma.”Seeingthejoltofhurtonhermother’sface—hercheeksblanchingandmouthopening,asiftoprotest,butclosingafterasecond,inresignation—Maryexpectedtofeelbetter,butshedidn’t.Theroomseemedtotilt.Shewantedtocry.
Thenextday,hermotherstartedmanagingthestorebyherselfandsleepingtheremoreoftenthannot.Maryhadunderstood,atleastintellectually:thedrivehomewasthirtyminutes,timebetterspentonsleepinstead,especiallysinceMarywouldn’tbeawake.Butthatfirstnight,lyinginbed,Marythoughthowshehadn’tseenortalkedtohermotheralldayforthefirsttimeinherlife,andshehatedher.Forbeinghermother.Forbringinghertoaplacethatmadeherhateherownmother.
Thatwashersummerofsilence.TheKangswentonatwo-monthtriptoCaliforniatovisittheirson’sfamily,leavingMaryalone,withnoschool,nocamp,nofriends,nofamily.Marytriedtorelishthefreedom,toldherselfshewaslivingatwelve-year-oldgirl’sfantasy—neverbotheredbyparentsorsiblings,leftalonealldaytodo,eat,andwatchwhatevershewanted.Besides,itwasn’tasifshe’dseenmuchoftheKangsevenbeforethetrip—theywerequietandunobtrusive,doingtheirownactivitiesandneverbotheringher.Soshedidn’tseehowbeingonherownwouldbetoodifferent.
There’ssomething,though,aboutthesoundsthatotherpeoplemake.Nottalking,necessarily.Justtheirsoundsofliving—creakingupstairs,hummingatune,watchingTV,clangingdishes—thatblotawayyourloneliness.Youmissthemwhenthey’regone.Theirabsence—thetotalsilence—becomespalpable.
Andsoitwaswithher.Marywentdayswithoutseeinganotherhumanbeing.Hermothermadesuretocomehomeeverynight,butnotuntilonea.m.,andshewasgonebeforedawn.Sheneversawher.
Shedidhearher,though.Hermotheralwayscameintoherroomwhenshereturnedhome,steppingoverMary’spilesofdirtyclothestopulltheblanketup,kisshergoodnight,and,somenights,justtositonherbed,combingMary’shairwithherfingersoverandover,thewaysheusedtoinKorea.Marywasusuallystillawake,consumedbyimagesofhermothercaughtingunfiresteppingoutofthebulletproofvaultinthemiddleofthenight—arealpossibility,themainreasonforhermother’srefusaltobringMarytothestore.Whensheheardhermothertiptoeinginthehallway,amixofreliefandangercoursedthroughher.Shethoughtitbestnottospeak,soshepretendedtobeasleep.Kepthereyesshutandherbodystill,willingherheartbeattoslowandcalm,wantingthemomenttocontinue,wantingtorelishtherelivingofhermotherasUm-maandsavortheoldaffection.
Thatwasfiveyearsago,beforetheKangsreturnedandhermotherstartedsleepingatthestoreagain,beforeMarybecamefluentinEnglishandthebulliesmovedon,beforeherfathercametoAmericaandmovedthemtoaplacewhere,onceagain,shefeltlikeaforeigner,wherepeopleaskedwhereshewasfrom,andwhenshesaidBaltimore,said,“No,Imean,whereareyoureallyfrom?”BeforecigarettesandMatt.Beforetheexplosion.
Butheretheywereagain.Hermother,combingherfingersthroughMary’shair,andMary,pretendingtobeasleep.Lyinghereinthehazeofhalfsleep,MaryfelttransportedbacktoBaltimoreandwonderedifhermotherknewshe’dbeenawakeallthosenights,howshe’dwaitedforUm-ma’sreturn.
“Yuh-bo,dinner’sgettingcold,”Mary’sfather’svoicesounded,breakingthemoment.Hermothersaid,“Okay,coming,”shookhergently,andsaid,“Mary,dinner’sready.Comeoutsoon,okay?”
Maryblinkedandmumbled,asifjuststartingtorouse.Shewaitedforhermothertoleaveandclosethecurtainbeforeslowlysittingup,reorientingherself,forcinghermindtotakeinhersurroundings.MiracleCreek,notBaltimore,notSeoul.Matt.Thefire.Thetrial.HenryandKitt,dead.
Atonce,imagesofHenry’scharredheadandKitt’schestonfirerushedbacktoherthoughts,andhottearsstunghereyesagain.Allyear,Maryhadtriedhardnottothinkaboutthem,aboutthatnight,buttoday,hearingabouttheirlastmoments,imaginingtheirpain—itwasasiftheimageswereneedlessurgicallyimplantedthroughoutherbrain,andeverytimeshemovedthetiniestbit,theypokedher,sendingwhite-hotflashesburstingbehindhereyeballsandmakingherwanttorelievethepressure,justopenhermouthandscream.
Nexttohermat,shesawanewspapershe’dpickedupinthecourthouse.Thismorning’s,withtheheadline“MommyDearest”MurderTrialBeginsToday.ApictureshowedElizabethgazingatHenrywithadazedsmile,herheadtilted,asifshecouldn’tbelievehowmuchsheadoredherson,thesamewayshe’dlookedatHBOT:alwayspullingHenryclose,smoothinghishair,readingwithhim.IthadremindedMaryofUm-mainKorea,andshe’dfeltapang,seeingthismother’ssingulardevotiontoherchild.
Ithadallbeenaruse,ofcourse.Ithadtobe.ThewayElizabethhadsatthroughMatt’stestimonyaboutHenrybeingburnedalive—withoutflinching,withoutcrying,withoutscreamingandrunningout.Nomotherwithanounceofloveforherchildcould’vedonethat.
Marylookedatthepictureagain,thiswomanwho’dspentlastsummerpretendingtoloveherchildwhilesecretlyplanninghismurder,thissociopathwho’dplacedacigaretteinchesfromanoxygentube,knowingthattheoxygenwasonandhersoninside.Herpoorson,Henry,thisbeautifulboy,hiswispyhair,babyteeth,allengulfedin…
No.Sheshuthereyestightandshookherhead,sidetoside—hard,harder—untilherneckhurtandtheroomspunandtheworldzigzaggedsidewaysandupsidedown.Whennothingremainedinherheadandshecouldnolongersit,shefellonthematandburiedherfaceinherpillow.Sheletthecottonsoakupallhertears.
ELIZABETHWARD
THEFIRSTTIMESHEHURTHERSONonpurposewassixyearsago,whenHenrywasthree.They’djustmovedintotheirnewhouseoutsideD.C.Acookie-cutterMcMansion—niceenoughinisolation,butdownrightsillywhenclumped,asitwas,withidenticalMcMansionsbuilttoocloseontinylotsseparatedbystripsofgrass.Elizabethwasnotafanofsuburbia,butherthen-husband,Victor,vetoedurban(“Toonoisy!”)andrural(“Toofar!”)choicesanddeclaredthishouse(closetotwoairportsandthree“feeder”preschools)ano-brainer.
Theirfirstweek,theirneighborSherylthrewacul-de-sacparty.WhenElizabethwalkedinwithHenry,thekids—pretend-ridinghorsebrooms,Thomastrains,andCarscars—werericochetingaroundthecavernousbasementandsquealing(injoy,fear,orpain,shecouldn’ttell).Theparentswerecrampedintoacornerbarseparatedfromthekidsbychildproofgates,lookinglikecagedanimalsinazooexhibit,allgrippingwineglassesandleaningintotalkovertheracket.
Afewstepsin,Henryheldhispalmstohisearsandscreamed,ahigh-pitchedyellthatslicedthroughthepandemonium.Alleyesturned,convergingatfirstonHenry,thenrushingtoher,themom.
Elizabethturnedtohughimtight,buryinghisfaceinherchestandmufflinghisscream.“Shhhh,”shesaid,overandover,pattinghishair,untilhestopped.Sheturnedtotheothers.“I’msorry.He’sverysensitivetonoise.Andmovingandunpacking—he’sreallyoverwhelmed.”
Theadultssmiledandmutteredplatitudes:“Ofcourse”and“Noworries”and“We’veallbeenthere.”OnemansaidtoHenry,“I’vebeenwantingtoscreamlikethatforanhour,sothanksfordoingitforme,bud,”andchuckledsogood-naturedly,socheerfully,thatElizabethwantedtohughimfordefusingthetension.Sherylopenedthechildproofgatetolettheadultsoutandsaidinsingsong,“Hey,kids,wehaveanewfriend.Let’sallintroduceourselves.”
Onebyone,thekids—alltoddlersandpreschoolers—answeredSheryl’spromptsfortheirnamesandages,eventheyoungest,Beth,whopronouncedhernameas“Best”andhelduphertinyindexfingerforherage.SherylturnedtoHenry.“Andyou,handsomeknight,”shesaid,makingthekidsgiggle,“what’syourname?”
ElizabethwilledHenrytosay,“Henry.I’mthree,”oratleasthidehisfaceinherskirtsoshecouldcrediblysay,“Henry’sshyaroundstrangers,”whichwouldpromptchorusesof“Oh,howsweet!”fromthemoms.Butthatdidn’thappen.Henry’sfaceremainedblank.Hestaredoffintospace,eyesrolledupandmouthajar,lookinglikeashellofaboy—nopersonality,nointelligence,noemotion.
Elizabethclearedherthroatandsaid,“HisnameisHenry.He’sthree,”managingtosoundcasual,withnoneofthethicknessofembarrassmentthatwasthreateningtogagher.WhenlittleBethtoddledupandsaid,“Hi,Hen-wee,”theadultssaidsomevariantof“Awwww,isn’tthatadorable?”andwentbacktotheircorner,chattingandofferingdrinkstoElizabeth,leavinghertowonderifshealonehadregisteredtheintenseawkwardness.Wasthatpossible?
Forthenextfiveminutes,whileElizabethmingled,Henrystoodquietlyinonespot.Hedidn’tplaywiththekids,didn’tlooktobehavingfun,butatleasthewasn’tcallingattentiontohimself,whichwastheimportantthing.Elizabethgulpedherwine,itscoolaciditysoothingherthroatandwarmingherstomach.Aninvisibledomeseemedtoveilher,makingthekidslookdistantandunreal,likeamovie,andmutingtheircacophonyintoapleasantbuzz.
ThemomentbrokewhenSherylsaid,“PoorHenry.He’snotplayingwithanyone.”Laterthatnight,waitingforVictor’scall(conferenceinL.A.—thethirdthatmonth),she’dimaginethedifferentwaysofhandlingthatmoment.Shecould’vesaid,“He’stired.Heneedsanap,”andleft,orshecould’vegivenHenryoneofthosemusicbabytoyshefixatedonsothathe’dappeartobeplayingnear,ifnotexactlywith,theotherkids.Forsure,whenSherylstartedagametoincludeHenry,sheshould’vesteppedin.
Inthedaystocome,Elizabethwouldblameherinactiononthefogofwine,thewayittrickedherintoafizzystateofnumbness.ShekeptdrinkingasSherylandherhusbandsatfivefeetapartandhelduptheirarmstoformagate.Nooneexplainedtherules,butitseemedsimpleenough:whenevertheysaidbee-beepandraisedtheirarms,kidsran,tryingtomakeitthroughbeforetheirarmscamedown.Shewasn’tsurewhythiswasfunny,buteveryoneguffawed,eventheparents.
Afterafewgate-opening-closingcycles,Sherylsaid,“Henry,youwanttoplay?It’sreallyfu-un.”Oneoftheboys—athree-year-old,likeHenry—heldouthishand.“Comeon,let’sruntogether.”
Henrystood,notreacting,asifhewereblindtotheboy’shandanddeaftohisvoice,nothingregisteringinhissenses.Henrylookedupattheceiling,sointentlythathalftheotherslookeduptoseewhatwassointeresting,thenheturnedhisbacktoeveryone,satdown,andstartedrocking.
Everyonestoppedandstared.Notforlong—threeseconds,fiveatmost—butsomethingaboutthemoment,theabsolutesilenceandstillnessapartfromHenry’srocking,stretchedtime.She’dneverunderstoodtheconceptoftimefreezingduringaccidents,thepreposterousnotionofyourwholelifeflashingbeforeyoureyesinonesecond,butthatwasexactlywhathappened:asElizabethstaredatHenry’srocking,snippetsofherlifeplayedlikeasplicedmovieinhermind.NewbornHenryrefusingherbreast,rockhardwithmilk.Three-month-oldHenrycryingforfourhoursnonstop;Victorcominghomefromalate-nightclientdinnertofindherlyingonthekitchenfloor,sobbing.Fifteen-month-oldHenry,theonlyonenotcrawlingorwalkingattheirplaygroup,themomofthegirlwhowasalreadyrunningandspeakinginshortsentencessaying,“Itdoesn’tmatter.Babiesdevelopattheirownpace.”(Funny,howitwasalwaysthemomsofprecociouskidswhoextolledthevirtuesofnotworryingaboutdevelopmentalmilestones,allthewhileflashingthosesmugsmilesofparentscongratulatingthemselvesforhaving“advanced”children.)Two-year-oldHenrystillnottalking,Victor’smomrunningaroundhisbirthdaypartysaying,“Einsteindidn’ttalkuntilhewasfive!”Henryjustlastweekathisthree-yearcheckup,notmakingeyecontact,hispediatriciansayingthedreadeda-word(“Now,I’mnotsayingit’sautism,buttestingcan’thurt”).Yesterday,theGeorgetownschedulersayingtheautism-testwaitlistiseightmonths,Elizabethfuriousatherselffornotcallingayearago—hell,twoyearsago—when,let’sfaceit,sheknewtherewassomethingwrong,ofcourseshedid,butshewastedallthattimejusthopinganddenyingandtalkingabouteffingEinstein.Andnow,herehewas,rocking—rocking!—infrontoftheirnewneighbors.
Sherylbrokethesilence.“Idon’tthinkHenryfeelslikeplayingrightnow.Comeon,who’snext?”Therewasanoticeablyforcedcasualnesstohervoice,afakejoviality,andElizabethrealized:SherylwasembarrassedforHenry.
Everyoneturnedbackandresumedtheirgame-playingandwine-sippingandsmall-talk-making,butcautiously,anxiously,athalfthevolumeandenergylevelasbefore.TheadultsweretryinghardtoavoidlookingHenry’sway,andwhenlittleBethsaid,“What’sHen-weedoing?”hermotherwhispered,“Shhh,notnow,”andturnedandsaidtoElizabeth,“Isn’tthisdipgreat?It’sfromCostco!”Elizabethknewthateveryone’slet’s-pretend-nothing’s-wrongactwasforhersake.Maybesheshould’vebeengrateful.Butsomehow,itmadeitworse,asifHenry’sbehaviorweresodeviantthattheyhadtocoveritup.IfHenryhadcancerorhearingloss,everyonewould’vefeltpity,sure,butnotshame.Theywould’vegatheredaround,askingquestionsandexpressingsympathies.Autismwasdifferent.Therewasastigmatoit.Andshe’dstupidlythoughtshecouldprotectherson(orwasitherself?)bysayingnothinganddesperatelyhopingnoonewouldnotice.
“Excuseme,”Elizabethsaid,andwalkedacrosstheroomtowardHenry.Herlegsfeltheavy,asifchainsweretetheringhertoacage,andittookallherstrengthtomove.Themomspretendednottonotice,butshecouldseetheireyesdartingather,couldseeintheirfacesintensegratitudethattheyweren’ther,andshefeltfurysurgeupherthroat.Shegrudgedandenviedandcovetedanddownrighthatedthem,thesewomenwiththeirexquisitelynormalkids.Walkingthroughthekidslaughingandtalking,herarmsachedtopickupone,anyofthem,andclaimthatchildasherown.Howdifferentherlifewouldbe,fullofmirthandtrivialities(“I’matmywit’send—Joeywon’tdrinkjuice!”or“Fanniedyedherhairfuchsia!”).
WhenshereachedHenry,shecrouchedbehindhim.Althoughshecouldn’tseethem,shecouldfeeltheadults’stares,comingfromalldirectionsandconvergingonherbacklikesunlightthroughamagnifyingglass,theheatrisinguptohercheeksandears,makinghereyeswater.Shesteadiedherhands,placedthemonHenry’sshoulder.“It’sokay,Henry,”shesaidasgentlyasshecouldmanage.“Let’sstop.”
Heseemednottohearher,nottofeelherhand.Hekeptrocking.Backandforth.Samerhythm.Samepace.Likeamalfunctioningmachinestuckinonemode.
Shewantedtoscreaminhisear,tograbandshakehimhardandfastandbreakhimoutoftheworldhewastrappedin,makehimlookather.Herfacefelthot.Herfingerstingled.
“Henry,youneedtostop.Right.Now,”shesaidinawhisperedyell,thenmovedtoshieldherhandfromeveryone’sviewandsqueezedhisshoulders.Hard.Hepaused,butonlyforamicro-beat,andwhenheresumedrocking,shesqueezedharder,forcingthesoftfleshbetweenhisneckandshoulderintoathinstripandpinching,harderandharder,wanting,needingittohurt,forhimtoscreamorhitherorrunaway,somethingtoindicatethathewasalive,inthesameworldashers.
Theshameandfearwouldcomelater,overandoverinwavesthatchokedher.Whenshesawthemomswhisperingastheyleft,makingherwonderifthey’dseen.Atbathtime,whenshetookoffHenry’sshirtandsawthecrescent-shapedbreakinhisskin,thesplotchofredunderthesurface.Whenshetuckedhiminandkissedhishead,prayingshehadn’tharmedhispsycheirreparably.
Butbeforeallthat,inthatmoment,asElizabethpressedherfingerstogether,allshefeltwasarelease.Notthesuddenreleaseofslammingadoororhurlingaplate,butaslow,gradualdissipationofherfury,givingwaytopleasure,thesensuousdelightofsqueezingsomethingsoft,likekneadingdough.WhenHenryfinallystoppedrockingandtwistedaway,hismouthscrunchedinpain,hiseyeslookingdirectlyintohers—thefirstdeep,sustainedeyecontacthe’dmadewithherinweeks,maybemonths—shefeltpowercoursingthroughherandexplodingintoelation,herpainandhatredshatteredintotinyshardsshecouldnolongerfeel.
THECOURTHOUSEPARKINGLOTwasalmostempty,whichwasn’tsurprisinggiventhatcourthadadjournedhoursago.Sincethen,herlawyerhadkeptherwaitinginasideroom,citing“urgentbusiness”(probablyhidingawayhermurderess-clientuntileveryonewasgone).Notthatitmattered;itwasn’tlikeshehadplacestobeorthingstodo.ThetermsofherhousearrestallowedhertogoonlytothecourthouseorShannon’soffices,tobedrivenonlybyShannon.
Shannon’scar,ablackMercedes,hadbeensittinginthesunallday,andwhenShannonstartedthecar,thefanblastedoutonmaximumandstruckElizabeth’srightjawline.Theairwastorchhot,theACnothavinghadtimetocool.ElizabethtouchedherjawandrememberedMatt’stestimony,theeruptionoffirehittingHenryinthatexactspot.Thepictures,theskinandmusclefromHenry’srightjawscorchedaway.Sheopenedhermouthandthrewupontoherlap.
“Oh,shit.”Elizabethopenedthecardoorandstumbledout,gettingvomitallovertheleatherseat,door,floor,everything.“OhGod,I’mmakingamess.I’msorry,I’msosorry,”shesaid,halfsitting,halffallingdownontotheconcrete.Shetriedtosayshewasfine,justneededwater,butShannonfussedoverher,doingmother-y/doctor-ythings—pulse-checking,forehead-feeling—beforeleaving,sayingshe’dberightback.Afterawhile—twominutes?ten?—Elizabethsawsecuritycameraspointedherway,andshepicturedherself,sprawledonthegroundinhersuitandheels,coveredinvomit,andshestartedlaughing.Violently.Hysterically.BythetimeShannonreturnedwithpapertowels,Elizabethrealizedshewascrying,whichwassurprising;shedidn’tremembertransitioningfromonetotheother.Shannon,blessher,saidnothing,justcleanedupmethodicallywhileElizabethsat,laughingandcryingalternately,sometimestogether.
Onthedriveback,asElizabethsatintheemptystateofhypercalmnessthatfollowsaviolentpurge,Shannonsaid,“Wherewasallthatemotionearliertoday?”
Elizabethdidn’tanswer.Justshruggedslightlyandlookedoutatthecows—must’vebeentwenty—crowdingaroundaskinnylonetreeinafield.
“Youdorealizetheentirejurythinksyoudon’tgiveadamnwhathappenedtoyourson,right?They’dlovetosendyoutodeathrowrightnow.Isthatwhatyouweregoingforthere?”
Elizabethwonderedifthemostlywhitecowswithblackspots—Jerseycows?Holsteins?—werecoolerthanthedarkbrownones.“Iwasjustdoingwhatyouwanted,”Elizabethsaid.“Don’tletthemgettoyou,yousaid.Calmandcollected.”
“Imeant,don’tactcrazy.Don’tyellorthrowshit.Ididn’tmeanbecomearobot.I’veneverseenanyonesostoic,anddefinitelynotthroughevidenceabouttheirownchild’sdeath.Itwasdownrightcreepy.It’sokaytoshowpeopleyou’rehurting.”
“Why?Whatdifferencewouldthatmake?You’veseentheevidence.Idon’tstandachance.”
ShannonlookedatElizabeth,bitherlip,andswervedofftheroadandslammedonthebrakes.“Ifyouthinkthat,whyarewedoingthis?Imean,whyhiremeandpleadnotguiltyandputonadefenseatall?”
Elizabethlookeddown.Thetruthwas,itallstemmedfromtheresearchshe’dstartedthedayafterHenry’sfuneral.Thereweresomanymethods—hanging,drowning,carbon-monoxideinhaling,wrist-slitting,andonandon.She’dmadeapro/conlistandwaswaveringbetweensleepingpills(pro:painless;con:deathuncertain—discovery/resuscitationrisk)andgun(pro:deathcertain;con:waitingperiodtobuy?)whenthepoliceclearedtheprotestersandarrestedher.Whentheprosecutorannouncedhe’dbeseekingthedeathpenalty,that’swhensherealized:goingthroughthetrialwouldbethebestatonementforhersin—theirrevocable,unforgivableactionshetookthatdayduringonemomentofangerandhatred,themomentthatplayedoverandoverinhermind,morningandnight,awakeandasleep,andtoreawayathersanity.TopubliclyandofficiallybeblamedforHenry’sdeath,tobeforcedtositthroughthedetailsofhissuffering,thentobekilledbypoisonsinjecteddirectlyintoherblood.Theexquisitetortureofitall—wouldn’tthatbebetterthansomeeasy,blink-and-it’s-overdeath?
ButElizabethcouldn’tsaythat.Shecouldn’ttellShannonhowitfelttoday,forcingherselftolookeveryoneintheeye,listentoeveryword,takeineveryexhibit,allthewhilekeepingherfacestill,afraidtheslightestmovementmightsetoffadominoreactionofemotion.Thecauterizingshameofahundredpeoplepeltingtheirstaresofjudgmentatherlikepoisondarts.Acceptandabsorbtheblame.Gulpitdown,moreandmore,untileverycellinherbodywasbursting.Shehadn’tjustbeenreadyforit;she’dcravedit,relishedit,couldn’twaitformoreofit.
Elizabethsaidnothing,andShannon,apparentlyinterpretingthisassilentsurrender,resumeddriving.Afteraminute,Shannonsaid,“Oh,goodnews.Victor’snottestifying.He’snotcomingatall.”
Elizabethnodded.Sheknewwhythiswasgood,whyShannonhadworriedaboutagrief-strickenfatheraffectingthejury,buthisabsencewasn’tsomethingshecouldcelebrate.Hehadn’tcontactedheratallsinceherarrest,whichshe’dexpected,and,yes,sheknewhehadabusylifeinCaliforniawithhisnewhouseandnewwifeandnewkids,butshe’dassumedhe’datleastshowupatthetrialforhisson’smurder.Shefeltbileriseandsnakearoundherchest,chokingherheart.PoorHenry.Borntotwosuchpatheticparents.Oneresponsibleforhurtingandkillinghim,theothertooworthlesstogiveashit.
Shannon’sphonerang.Anobviouslyexpectedcall—sheansweredwith“Yougotit?Readittome.”Elizabethbreathedindeep.Thestenchofvomitstunghernose,andsheopenedthewindow,whichmadeitworse,themixofsweetmanurefromoutsideandsourvomitsmellinglikerottingChinesefood.Sheclosedthewindowjustasthecallended,andsaidtoShannon,“Youshouldgetthecarcleaned.Putitonmybill.Although,canyouimagineyourbillingpartnergoing,‘Whyaretherecar-vomit-cleaningchargesundermurder-trialexpenses?’”Elizabethlaughed.Shannondidn’t.
“Listen.OneoftheYoos’neighborswasincourt.”AhintofasmiletuggedatthecornersofShannon’slips.“Hecameforwardwithsomethinghedidn’tthinkwasimportantuntiltoday.SoIputtheteamonitallday,andwefoundsomething.Ididn’twanttotellyouuntilweconfirmedit.”
Somewhereoutside,cowsweremooinginunison.Elizabethswallowed.Herearsclicked.“Theprotesters?Youfinallygotsomething?Itoldyoutofocusonthem,Iknewthey—”
Shannonshookherheadno.“Notthem.Matt.He’slying.Icanproveit.Elizabeth,Ihaveevidencethatsomeoneelsedeliberatelysetthefire.”
THETRIAL:DAYTWO
Tuesday,August18,2009
MATT
HETHOUGHTTODAYWOULDBEEASIERthanyesterday.Oncethestorywastold,he’dfeelpurged,likepukingafteroverdrinking.
Butwalkingup,takingthestandagain,ithadbeenhardertoraisehishead.Howmanypeoplewerewonderingwhyhe,ahealthyyoungman,afuckingdoctor,forChrist’ssake,hadallowedalittleboytobeburnedaliveinfrontofhim?
“Goodmorning,Dr.Thompson,I’mShannonHaug,ElizabethWard’sattorney.”
Mattnodded.
Shannonsaid,“IwantyoutoknowhowsorryIamforthehorriblethingsyou’veexperienced.AndIhavetoapologizeinadvanceformakingyourecallallthatagain,sometimesingreatdetail.Mygoalisnottoupsetyou,butsimplytofindthetruth.Ifyouneedtostopatanytime,justletmeknow.Okay?”
Mattfelthisjawrelaxand,despitehimself,hesmiled.Aberolledhiseyes.AbedidnotlikeShannon.He’ddescribedherasa“bigwigfromafancylitigationfactory,”andMatthadexpectedaTV-show-lawyertype:hairinoneofthoseFrenchbuns,suitwithpencil-thinskirt,stilettos,mysterioussmile,gorgeousashell.Instead,ShannonHauglookedandsoundedlikeakindaunt,totallybenign,hersuitwrinkledandloose,hershoulder-lengthgrayinghairamattedblob.Nurturing,withagenerousbust—lessfemme-fatalevixen,morewetnurse.“She’stheenemy,”Abehadwarned,butMattcravedthis,awoman’sgentlepampering,andheclungtoit.
“Now,”Shannonsaid,“let’sstartwithsomebasics.Easyyes-nostuff.DidyoueverseeElizabethsetfireanywherearoundMiracleSubmarine?”
“No.”
“Everseehersmoking,orevenjustholdingacigarette?”
“No.”
“EverseeanyoneelseaffiliatedwithHBOTsmoking?”
Mattfelthisfaceflush.Hehadtotreadlightlyhere.“Pakdidn’tallowsmokingatHBOT.Wewereallclearonthat.”
Shannonsmiled,steppedcloser.“Isthatanotomyquestion?HaveyouseenanyoneonMiracleSubmarine’spremiseswithcigarettes,matches,anythinglikethat?”
“Yes.Imean,myanswerisno,”Mattsaid.Hewasn’tlying,nottechnically—thecreekwasoutside“thepremises”—butstill,hisheartbeatfaster.
“Toyourknowledge,doesanyoneaffiliatedwithMiracleSubmarinesmoke?”
MaryhadoncesaidthatCamelswerePak’sfavorite.But,heremindedhimself,hewasn’tsupposedtoknowthat.“Icouldn’tsay.I’veonlyseenthematHBOT,wheresmoking’sprohibited.”
“Fairenough.”Shannonshruggedandwalkedtohertable,likethiswasaperfunctorychecklistofquestionsshehadn’texpectedanythingfrom.Halfwaythere,sheturnedmid-stepandsaidinathrowawaytone,“Bytheway,doyousmoke?”
Mattfeltatinglinginhismissingfingers,couldalmostfeelthethinrollofaCamelsuspendedbetweenthem.“Me?”Hehopedhischuckledidn’tsoundasfakeasitfeltinhismouth.“Thenumberofsmoker-lungX-raysIsee,I’dneedadeathwishtosmoke.”
Shesmiled.Thankfully,shewastryingtobutterhimupanddidn’tcallhimonhisnonanswer.Shepickedupsomethingfromhertableandsaunteredbacktohim.“BacktoElizabeth.EverseeherhitHenry?Harmhiminanyway?”
“No.”
“Everseeheryellathim?”
“No.”
“Howaboutneglect?Tatteredclothes,junkfood—anything?”
MattpicturedHenryinsockswithholes,eatingSkittles,andalmostlaughed;Elizabethwouldneverlethimnearanythingnotorganic,dye-free,andsugar-free.“Definitelynot.”
“Tothecontrary,sheputagreatdealofeffortintoHenry’scare,isn’tthatfairtosay?”
Mattraisedhiseyebrowsinahalfshrug.“Isuppose.”
“Shecheckedhiseardrumswithanotoscopebeforeandaftereverydive,right?”
“Yes.”
“Nootherparentsdidthat,correct?”
“No.Imean,correct.”
“Shereadbookswithhimbeforethedives?”
“Yes.”
“Shegavehimallhomemadesnacks?”
“Yes.Well,that’swhatshesaid,anyway.”
Shannonlookedathim,tiltingherhead.“ElizabethmadeeverythingfromscratchbecauseHenryhadseverefoodallergies,isn’tthatright?”
“Again,that’swhatshesaid.”
Shannonsteppedcloserandtiltedherheadtheotherway,asifstudyinganabstractpaintingwhoseproperorientationshecouldnotdetermine.“Dr.Thompson,areyouaccusingElizabethoflyingaboutHenry’sallergies?”
Mattfelthischeeksredden.“Notnecessarily.Ijustdon’tknowforafact.”
“Well,letmecorrectthat.”Shannonhandedhimadocument.“Telluswhatthatis.”
Mattskimmed.“It’salabreportconfirmingHenry’ssevereallergiestopeanuts,fish,shellfish,dairy,andeggs.”Abelookedathimandshookhishead.
“Let’strythisagain.ElizabethgaveHenryhomemadesnacksshemadesurewereallergen-free,correct?”
“Thatappearstobecorrect.”
“Doyourecallanincidentinvolvingpeanuts,Henry’smostsevereallergy?”
“Yes.”
“Whathappened?”
“TJhadpeanutbutteronhishands,fromasandwich.Hegotsomeonthehatchhandle,goingin.Henrygrabbedthesamespot,andluckily,Elizabethnoticed.”
“Howdidshereact?”
She’dfreakedout,screaming,“Henrycoulddie!”andactinglikethebrownglobwasafuckingcobra.Butwouldn’tthatplayintothedevoted-motherroutineElizabeth’slawyerwasputtingon?“Elizabethaskedtheboystowashup,andPakcleanedthechamber.”Hemadeitsoundlikenothing,butithadbeenanordeal,ElizabethdemandingthatTJbrushhisteeth,washhisface,andevenchangehisclothes.
“IfElizabethhadn’tnoticedthepeanutbutter,whatwould’vehappened?”
BeforeShannonevenfinishedthequestion,Abestood,thescreechofhischairscrapingthefloorannouncinghisobjectionlikeatrumpetcall.“Objection.Ifthatdoesn’tcallforspeculation,Idon’tknowwhatdoes.”
Shannonsaid,“YourHonor,alittleleeway?I’mgettingsomewhere,Ipromise.”
Thejudgesaid,“Gettherefast.Overruled.”
Abesatandmovedhischair,theslammingsoundofthechairlegstheequivalentofapetulantteenager’sdoorslam.ShannonsmiledatAbethewayanamusedmothermight,thenturnedtoMatt.“Again,Doctor,whatwould’vehappenedifElizabethhadn’tnoticedHenrytouchingthepeanutbutter?”
Mattshrugged.“It’shardtoknow.”
“Let’sthinkitthroughtogether.Henrybithisnails.You’dseenthat,right?”
“Yes.”
“Soit’sfairtosaypeanutbutterprobablywould’vegotteninhismouthduringthedive?”
“Isupposeso,yes.”
“Doctor,giventheseverityofHenry’speanutallergy,whatwould’vehappened?”
“Theairwayswellsandshutsoff,andyoucan’tbreathe.ButHenryhadanEpiPen,epinephrine,whichcounteractsthat.”
“WasthereanEpiPeninthechamber?”
“No.Sincefood’snotallowed,PakhadElizabethleaveitoutside.”
“Howlongdoesittaketodepressurizeandopenthehatch?”
“Pakusuallydepressurizedslowly,forcomfort,buthecoulddoitquicklyifnecessary,inaminuteorso.”
“Onefullminutewithnoair.Ifyouwaitmorethanaminutetoinjectepinephrine,canitfail?”
“It’snotlikely,butyes,thatcouldhappen.”
“SoHenrycould’vedied?”
Mattsighed.“Idoubtthat.Icould’vedoneatracheotomy.”Heturnedtothejurors.“Youcanmakeasmallincisioninthelarynxtorelieveanobstructionintheairway.Youcanevendoitwithaballpointpen,inanemergency.”
“Wasthereaballpointpeninside?”
Mattfelthischeeksreddenagain.“No.”
“Andyoudidn’thappentohaveascalpel,either,I’mguessing?”
“No.”
“Soagain,Henrycould’vedied?Isthatapossibility,Doctor?”
“Averysmallpossibility.”
“AndElizabethpreventedthat.Madesurethatcouldn’tcomeclosetohappening,isn’tthatright?”
Mattsighed.“Yes,”hehadtosay.Hewaitedforthelogicalnextquestion,IfElizabethwantedHenrydead,wouldn’tithavebeeneasiertosaynothingaboutthepeanutbutter?No,he’dsay,andpointoutagainthattherewasnorealriskofHenrydyingfromthat,andcertainlynoguarantee,likewhenafreakingfireballexplodedinyourface.ButShannondidn’taskthequestion;shelookedfromthejurytoElizabethwithhergentle-auntieface,waitingforthemtoarriveatthatconclusionontheirown,andMattcouldseethejurors’facessoftening.HecouldseethemlookingatElizabeth,herstill-stoicface,wonderingifmaybeitwasn’tthatshewascoldanduncaring,butjusttired.Tootiredtomoveamuscle.
Asiftoaccentuatethistheme,Shannonsaid,“Doctor,you’vetoldElizabethshe’sthemostdevotedmotheryou’veevermet,right?”
True;he’dsaidthat.Buthe’dmeantitascriticism,tellinghertoeaseup,forGod’ssake.Totellhershe’dgonebeyondhelicopteringtodirectcontrolling.Puppeteer-parenting.Butwhatcouldhesay?Yes,Isaidthat,butIwasbeingsarcasticbecauseIhatedevotedmothers?“Yes,”hefinallysaid.“IthoughtshespentalotofeffortactinglikeshewasdevotedtoHenry.”
Shannongazedathim,thecornersofhermouthturningupwardslowlyasifshe’djustfiguredsomethingout.“Doctor,I’mcurious.DoyoulikeElizabeth?Imean,beforetheaccident.Didyoueverlikeher?”
Mattmarveledatthat,Shannon’sbrillianceatthatmoment,askingaquestionwithnogoodanswer.Yes,IlikedherwouldcontinueElizabeth’shumanization,andNo,Ineverdidwouldmakehimlookedbiased.“Ididn’treallyknowhertoowell,”hefinallysaid.
Shannonsmiled,theforgivingsmileofamotherwho’sdecidedtoletslideatoddler’sobviouslie.“Whatabout…”Shescannedthegallery,thewaystand-upcomicsscantheaudienceforvictims“…PakYoo?DoyouthinkhelikedElizabeth?”
SomethingaboutthisquestionmadeMattflinch.MaybeitwasShannon’stone—toocasual,deliberatelyso,asifthequestionwereathrowaway.Asifshecouldn’tcarelessabouttheanswer,onlythatshegottobringupPakatanunexpectedmoment,inanunexpectedway.
MattmatchedShannon’sthis-doesn’t-matter-too-muchtoneandsaid,“I’mnotgreatatreadingotherpeople’sminds.You’dhavetoaskPak.”
“Fairenough.Letmerephrase.DidheeversayanythingnegativeaboutElizabeth?”
Mattshookhishead.“I’veneverheardhimsayanythingnegativeaboutElizabeth.”Andthatwastrue:he’dheardaboutPak’sannoyancewithherfromMaryfrequentlyenough,butneverdirectlyfromPak.Heblinkedandcontinued.“Pakisprofessional.Hewouldn’tgossipwithpatients,especiallyaboutanotherpatient.”
“Butyouweren’tjustanotherpatient,right?You’refamilyfriends.”
Theymayhavebeen“familyfriends,”butPakwasn’tparticularlyfriendly.Mattsuspectedthat,likemanyKoreanmenheknew,PakdisapprovedofwhiteguysbeingwithKoreanwomen.Hesaid,“No.Iwasaclient.That’sit.”
“Soheneverdiscussed,say,fireinsurancewithyou?”
“What?”Wherethefuckhadthatcomefrom?“No.Fireinsurance?Whywouldwediscussfireinsurance?”
Shannonignoredhisquestions.Juststeppedtowardhim,lookedstraightintohiseyes,andsaid,“HasanyoneaffiliatedwithMiracleSubmarine,includingyourfamily,everdiscussedfireinsurancewithyou?”
“Absolutelynot.”
“Everhearanyonediscussorevenmentionit?”
“No.”Mattwasgettingpissednow.Andalittlescared,thoughhecouldn’tsaywhy.
“DoyouknowwhichcompanyinsuresMiracleSubmarine?”
“No.”
“EverplaceacalltoMiracleSubmarine’sinsurer?”
“What?WhywouldI…?”Mattfeltsomethingitchinhismissingknuckles.Hewantedtopunchsomething.MaybeShannon’sface.“Ijusttoldyou,Idon’tevenknowwhatcompanyitis.”
“Soit’syoursworntestimonythatyounevercalledPotomacMutualInsuranceCompanytheweekbeforetheexplosion,isthatcorrect?”
“What?No,ofcourseIdidn’t.”
“You’repositive?”
“Onehundredpercent.”
Shannon’swholefaceseemedtolift—hereyes,mouth,evenears—andshewalked—no,shestrutted—tothedefensetable,pickedupadocument,struttedbacktohim,andthrustitathim.“Doyourecognizethis?”
Alistofphonenumbers,dates,andtimes.Hisownnumberatthetop.“It’smyphonebill.Mycell.”
“Pleasereadthehighlighteditem.”
“August21,2008.8:58a.m.Fourminutes.Outgoing.800-555-0199.PotomacMutualInsurance.”Mattlookedup.“Idon’tunderstand.You’resayingImadethiscall?”
“Notsomuchmeasthatdocument.”Shannonlookedamused,almosttriumphant.
Mattreadagain.8:58a.m.Maybehe’dmisdialed.Butfourminutes?“MaybeIheardanadforaninsurancedealandIcalledforaquote?”Hedidn’trememberdoingthat,butitwasayearago.Whoknewhowmanyrandom,boneheadedthingshedidonawhimonadailybasisthatweresoinsignificanthecouldn’trememberthemaweeklater,muchlessayear?
“Soyoudidmakethiscall,butinresponsetoanad?”
MattlookedtoJanine.Shehadbothhandstohermouth.“No.Imean,maybe.Idon’trememberthiscall,andI’mtryingtofigureout…Imean,I’veneverevenheardofthiscompany.WhywouldIcallthem?”
Shannonsmiled.“ItjustsohappensthatPotomacMutuallogsallincomingcalls.”ShehandeddocumentstoAbeandthejudge.“YourHonor,Iapologizeforthelackofnotice,butwefoundoutaboutthiscallyesterdayandonlygottheloglastnight.”
MattstaredatAbe,willinghimtoseetheWhat-the-fuck-do-I-doquestiononhisface,rescuehimsomehow,butAbekeptreadingandfrowning.“Anyobjections,Mr.Patterley?”thejudgesaid.Abemumbled,“No,”stillreading.
Finally,ShannonheldoutthedocumenttoMatt.Hewantedtosnatchitfromherhand,buthewaited,managingnottoevenlookatituntilsheaskedhimtoreaditoutloud.Undertheheadingwiththedate,time,waitlength(<1minute),andtotalcalllength(4minutes),itread:
NAME:Declinedtogive.SUBJECT:Fireinsurance—ArsonSUMMARY:Callerinterestedinwhetherallourfirepoliciespayoutincasesofarson.Callerhappywhentoldthatarsoncoverageincludedinallpolicies,withexceptiononlyifpolicyholderinvolvedinplanning/committingarson.
Mattreadcalmly,withtheclinicaltoneofsomeonenotabouttobeaccusedofconspiracytocommitarson,andlookedupwhendone.Shannonsaidnothing—justlookedathim,asifwaitingforhimtobreakthesilenceIhadnothingtodowiththis,heremindedhimself,thensaid,“Iguessitwasn’tforaquote,afterall.”Noonelaughed.
“Letmeaskagain,Doctor,”Shannonsaid.“YoumadeananonymouscalltoMiracleSubmarine’sinsurertheweekbeforetheexplosionaskingifthey’llpayoutifsomeonedeliberatelyburnsitdown,didn’tyou?”
“Absolutelynot,”Mattsaid.
“Thenhowdoyouexplainthatdocumentinyourhand?”
Agoodquestion,onewithnogoodanswer.Theairfeltdensewithanticipation,toodensetobreathein,andhecouldn’tthink.“Maybeit’samistake.Theygotmynumbercrossedwithsomeoneelse’s.”
Shannonmovedherheadinanexaggeratednod.“Sure,thatmakessense.Somerandompersoncalls,andbysomeincrediblecoincidence,boththephoneandinsurancecompaniesgetthenumberwrong,andbyanotherincrediblecoincidence,youendupbeingthestarwitnessinamurdertrialwhere,loandbehold,thedeathsarecausedbyarson.DoIhavethatright?”Someofthejurorstittered.
Mattsighed.“AllIknowisIdidn’tmakethatcall.Someonemust’veusedmyphone.”
MattexpectedShannontomockhimagain,butshelookedsatisfied.Interested.Shesaid,“Let’sexplorethat.ThiswaslastAugust,onaThursdaymorning,at8:58.Wasyourphonelostorstolenaroundthen?”
“No.”
“Anyoneuseit?Borrowitbecausetheyforgottheirs,thattypeofthing?”
“No.”
“Sowhohadaccesstoyourphonearound8:58a.m.?”
“IwasdefinitelyatHBOT.Inevermissedamorningdive.Theofficialdivetimeis9:00,butwe’dstartearlierifeveryone’sthere,andlaterifsomeone’slate.It’sbeenayear,soIdon’trememberwhenwestartedthatparticularmorning.”
“Solet’ssayyoustartedlatethatday,sayat9:10.Couldsomeonehaveusedyourphonewithoutyouknowing?”
Mattshookhishead.“Idon’tseehow.Ieitherleftmyphoneinthecar,whichislocked,orIkeptitwithmeandputitinthecubbyrightbeforethedivestarted.”
“Andwhatifitstartedearly—say,8:55?By8:58,you’reinthechamber,alongwiththeothers,includingElizabeth.Whocould’veusedyourphone?”
MattlookedatShannon,theexcitementplaininthewayhereyebrowsliftedinanticipation,asmilecurlingherlips,andherealized:thisentirelineofquestioninghadbeenforshow.She’dneverthoughtforamomenthe’dmadethatcall.She’djustmadehimthinkitsohe’dbecomerattled,desperatetothinkupanalternativesuspecttohandtoheronaplatter.Theobviousalternative.Theonlyone,really.
“Forthemorningdives,theonlypersoninthebarn,”Mattsaid,“wasPak.”Thiswashardlyasecret.Butstill,sayingitoutloudfeltlikebetrayal.Hecouldn’tlookatPak.
“SoPakYoohadaccesstoyourphoneduringyourmorningdives,whichsometimesstartedbefore8:58,thetimeofthecallinquestion,isthatcorrect?”
“Yes,”Mattsaid.
“Dr.Thompson,isitafairreadingofyourtestimonythatPakYoomust’vecalledhisinsurancecompanyanonymously,usingyourcellphone,toaskwhetherhisfireinsurancepolicywillpayoutifsomeoneelsesetsfiretohisbusiness,somethingwhichisallegedtohavehappenedafewdaysafter?Isthatafairsummary?”
Putitlikethat,andMattwanteddesperatelytosay,No,Pakdidn’tdothis,Elizabethdid,andnowyou’retakingsomefuckingcalltosay…what,thatPakblewuphisownbusiness?Killedhispatientsformoney?Itwasridiculous.HesawPakduringthefire,sawhisdesperationtosavehispatients,nevermindtheriskofinjuriesandevendeathtohimself.ButthereliefofknowingthatPakwasthetarget,nothim—itwasoverwhelming,therelief.Matt’srespectforPak,hisfirmbeliefinPak’sinnocence,hisneedtoseeElizabethpunished—hisreliefengulfedallthesethings,submergedandsmotheredthemaway.Besides,answeringyeswasnothingmorethanalogicalextensionofeverythingelsehe’dalreadyadmitted.Hewasn’tsayingPaksetthefire.Therewerefourthousandstepsbetweenthisphonecallandtheexplosion.
SoMatttoldhimselfitwasnobigdealandsaid,“Yes.”Heheardbuzzing,thesoundofhorsefliesfeastingonacarcass.Ormaybeitwasthewhisperedmurmuringsofthespectatorsintheback.
Pak’sfacewasred—withshameoranger,Mattcouldn’ttell.Shannonsaid,“Doctor,areyouawarethat,onthenightoftheexplosion,Elizabethfoundanotebythecreek,writtenonpaperwiththeH-Martlogoonit,saying,‘Thisneedstoend.Weneedtomeettonight,8:15’?”
Itwasautomatic,thereaction.HiseyeszoomedtoMarylikemetaltoamagnet.Heblinked,hopednoonecaughthismistake.Hemovedhisgazearound,likehewasscanningthewholeKoreanclan.“No,Ineverheardthat.Iknowthatpaper,though.”Mattturnedtothejury.“H-MartisaKoreansupermarket.Weshoptheresometimes.”
“Isn’tittruethatPakYooalwaysusedthatnotepad?”
Matthadtoforcehimselfnottosighinrelief.ShannonthoughtthenotewasfromPak.Ithadn’tevencrossedhermindthatMatthadwrittenit.AndMary—shewasn’tafactoratall.“Yes,Pakusedit,”Mattsaid.
ShannonslowlyturnedhergazetoPak,thenbacktoMatt.“Whatisyourunderstandingofwherehewasat8:15thatnight,untiltheexplosiontenminuteslater?”
Somethingaboutthewayshesaid“yourunderstanding”unnervedMatt.“Um,Pakwasinthebarn.”Wasthereanyquestionaboutthat?
“Howdoyouknowthat?”
Hehadtothink.Howdidheknow,otherthanjustassumingittobetruebecausethat’swhateveryonesaid?AlltheYooswereinthebarn,theysaid.WhentheDVDdied,PaksentYoungtotheirhousetofindbatteries.Shetooktoolong,soMarywenttohelp,butshenoticedsomethingbehindthebarn,walkedthere,andboom.ButifPakdidthis…couldtheYooshavebeenlying?Coveringforhim?Thenagain,ifhe’dsetthefire,Pakwouldn’thaveriskedhislifeintherescue,andheundoubtedlywould’vemadesureMarywasnowherenearby.No.Mattsaid,“Iknowbecausehesupervisedthedive.Hesealedusin,hetalkedtome,andaftertheexplosion,heopenedthehatchandgotusout.”
“Ah,thehatchopening.Yousaidearlier,ittakesaslittleasoneminutetodepressurizeandopenthehatch.Correct?”
“Yes.”
“Soifhe’dbeenpresent,thehatchshould’veopenedoneminuteaftertheexplosion?”
“Yes.”
“Doctor,let’strysomething.Here’sastopwatch.I’dlikeyoutocloseyoureyesandgothroughinyourmindeverythingthathappenedfromtheexplosionuntilthehatchopening.Thenstopthetimer.Couldyoudothat?”
Mattnoddedandtookthestopwatch,adigitalonethatcountedintenthsofseconds.Helaughedattheridiculousness,tryingtorememberayearlaterwhethertheincinerationofaboy’sheadtook48.8secondsor48.9seconds.HeclickedSTART,closedhiseyes,andwentthroughit.Theface-blink-fire,thethrashing,theflameswhooshingfromtheshirtaroundhishands.Whenhereachedthescreechofthehatchopening,heclickedSTOP.2:36.8.“Twoandahalfminutes.Butthishardlyseemsreliable,”hesaid.
Shannonheldupafoldedpieceofpaper.“Thisisareportfromtheprosecution’sownaccident-reconstructionexpert,includinganestimateofthetimebetweentheexplosionandthehatchopening.Wouldyoureadit,Doctor?”
Hetookthepaperandunfoldedit.Highlightedinfluorescentyellow,buriedinthemiddleofthereport,werefivewords.“Minimumtwo,maximumthreeminutes.”
“Soyouandthereportagree,”Shannonsaid.“Thehatchopenedmorethantwominutesaftertheexplosion,morethanafullminuteafteritshouldhaveifPakYoohadbeenpresent.”
“Again,”Mattsaid.“Thisdoesn’tseemveryscientific.”
Shannonlookedathimwithamusedpity,thewayteenslookatkidswhostillbelieveinthetoothfairy.“Now,theotherreasonyouthoughtPakYoowasinthebarn:youtalkedthroughtheintercom.Yesterday,youtestified,quote,‘Itwaschaosinthechamber,verynoisy,soIcouldn’treallyhear.’Doyourememberthat?”
Mattswallowed.“Yes.”
“Andsinceyoucouldn’treallyhear,youassumeditwasPakYoo,butyoucan’tknowforsure,isn’tthatright?”
“No,Icouldn’thearallthewords,butIheardthevoice.IknowitwasPak,”Mattsaid,butevensayingit,hewonderedifthatwastrue.Washejustbeingstubborn?
Shannonlookedathimlikeshewassadforhim.“Doctor,”shesaid,hervoicesofter,“areyouawarethatRobertSpinum,wholivesbytheYoos,hassignedanaffidavitthathewasoutsideonacallfrom8:11until8:20thatnight,andthatfortheentiretyofthatcall,hesawPakYooaquartermileoutsidethebarn?”
Abestoodimmediately,objecting—somethingaboutlackoffoundation—butMattfocusedonthegaspfrombehindAbe.FromYoung,withherhandsoverhermouth.Shelookedterrified.Butnotsurprised.
Shannonsaid,“YourHonor,Iwasmerelyaskingifthewitnesshappenedtobeawareofthisdevelopment,butI’mhappytowithdrawmyquestion.Mr.Spinumisstandingby,readytotestify,andwewilldefinitelybecallinghimatourearliestopportunity.”ShenarrowedhereyesatMattasshesaidthislastpart,asifinathreat,andsaid,“Doctor,letmeaskagain.Youcan’tbesurethatthevoiceyouheardovertheintercomwasPakYoo’svoice,isn’tthatright?”
Mattrubbedthestumpofhismissingindexfinger.Itstungandthrobbed,which,strangely,feltnice.“Ithoughtitwas,butIguessIcan’tbeahundredpercentsure.”
“Giventhis,plusyourtestimonyregardingthehatchopening,isn’titpossiblethatPakYoowasnotinsideforatleasttenminutespriortotheexplosion?That,infact,noonewassupervisingthedive?”
MattglancedoveratPakandYoung,bothlookingdown,theirbodiesslumped.Helickedhislips.Hetastedsalt.“Yes,”hesaid.“Yes,it’spossible.”
YOUNG
ITSURPRISEDHERHOWQUIETITGOTwhenShannonfinishedherquestions.Noonewhisperedorcoughed.Theairconditionersdidn’tsputterorhum.AsifsomeonehadpressedPAUSEandeveryonefrozeinplace,theirheadsturnedtoPak.Frowningathimwithrevulsion,thewaytheyhadatElizabethearlier.Fromherotomurdererinanhour.Howhadthathappened?Likeamagicshow,butwithoutthezaptomarkthemomentofmutation.
Thereshould’vebeenabang,ormaybethunder.Life-changingdisasterscamewithloudnoises,didn’tthey?Sirens,alarms,somethingtosignalthebreakinreality:normaloneminute,crazy-alteredremnantthenext.Youngwantedtorunuptograbthegavelandbangitdown—crackopenthesilence,rightinhalf.Allrise.CommonwealthofVirginiaversusYoungYoo.Foractuallybelievingthatherfamily’stroubleswereover.Forbeingthatstupid,afterseeingagainandagainhowquicklythingscanfallapart,likeatowerofmatchsticks.
WhenAbestood,Younghadamomentofresidualhope,ofexpectinghimtoaskMatthowdarehelie,howdareheimplicateaninnocentman.ButAbespokeinadefeatedvoice,askingperfunctoryquestionsaboutwhoelseusestheH-MartpaperandhowMattcouldn’tbesureofhisexplosion-to-hatch-openingestimate,andYoungfeltherbodydeflate,airrushingoutofherlikeapuncturedball.
Youngwantedtostandupandscream.ScreamatthejurorsthatPakwashonorable,amanwholiterallythrewhimselfintofireforhispatients.ScreamatElizabeth’slawyerthathewouldn’triskkillinghimselfandhisdaughterformoney.ScreamatAbetofixthis,thatshe’dbelievedhimthateveryscrapofevidencepointedtoElizabeth.
Thejudgeannouncedlunchrecess,andthecourtroomdoorscreakedopen.Younghearditthen.Thesoundofhammeringinthedistance.Thunk-clang,thunk-clang,matchingthetha-dunkofherheartbeatpulsatinginhertemples,sendingbloodwhooshingthroughhereardrums—resonantandmagnified,asifunderwater.Probablyworkersinvineyards.She’dseenthemearlier,pilingwoodenpostsbythehill.Stakesfornewvines.Theremust’vebeenloudbangsallmorning.Shejusthadn’theardthem.
THEYWALKEDFROMCOURTtoAbe’sofficeinsinglefile—Abeinfront,thenYoungpushingPak’swheelchair,Maryinback.Thelinetheyformed,ledbyahulkingman,andthecrowdsunzippingastheyapproached,asifrepelled—Youngfeltlikeacriminalbeingparadedbyanexecutionerthroughtown,itspeoplegawkingandjudging.
Abemarchedthemintoayellowbuilding,downadarkhall,andintoaconferenceroom,andsaidtowaitwhilehemetwithhisstaff.Whenthedoorclosed,YoungsteppedclosertoPak.Fortwentyyears,he’dtoweredaboveher,anditfeltstrangebeingabovehimnow,seeingthehairwhorlontopofhishead.Shefeltbraver.Asiftheactoftiltingherfacedownopenedsomedamthatusuallyblockedherwords.“Iknewthiswouldhappen,”shesaid.“Weshould’vetoldthetruthfromthebeginning.Itoldyouweshouldn’tlie.”
PakfrownedandgesturedwithhischintowardMary,whowaslookingoutthewindow.
Youngignoredhim.WhatdiditmatterwhatMaryheard?Shealreadyknewthey’dlied.They’dhadtotellher—she’dbeenpartofthestoryheconcocted.“Mr.Spinumsawyou,”Youngsaid.“Everyoneknowswewerelying.”
“Nooneknowsanything,”Paksaidinawhisper,eventhoughnoonenearbycouldunderstandtheirrapidKorean.“It’sourwordagainsthis.You,me,andMaryagainstanold,racistmanwiththickglasses.”
Youngwantedtograbhisshoulders,toyellandshakehimsohardthatherwordswouldpenetratehisskullandrattlearoundhisbrainlikeapinball.Instead,shedughernailsintoherpalmsandforcedherwordstobequiet,havinglearnedlongagothatcalmwordspenetratedherhusband’sattentionbetterthanloudones.“Wecan’tkeeplying,”shesaid.“Wedidn’tdoanythingwrong.Youjustwentouttocheckontheprotesters,toprotectus,andyouleftmeincharge.Abewillunderstandthat.”
“Andwhataboutthepartwherenoonewasthere,leavingeveryonesealedupinaburningchamber,unattended.Youthinkhe’llunderstandthat?”
YoungslumpedintothechairnexttoPak.Howmanytimeshadshewishedshecouldgobackandredothatmoment?“That’smyfault,notyours,andIcan’tlivewithyoutakingtheblametoprotectme.Ifeellikeacriminal,lyingtoeveryone.Ican’tdothisanymore.”
Pakputhishandontopofhers.Greenveinsmeanderedthroughthebackofhishandandseemedtocontinueonhers.“We’renottheguiltyoneshere.Wedidn’tsetthefire.Itdoesn’tmatterwherewewere—wecouldn’thavedoneanythingtostoptheexplosion.HenryandKittwould’vediedevenifwewereboththere.”
“ButifI’dturnedofftheoxygenintime—”
Pakshookhishead.“Ikeeptellingyou,there’sresidualoxygeninthetubes.”
“Buttheflameswouldn’thavebeenasintense,soifyou’dopenedthedoorrightaway,maybewecouldhavesavedthem.”
“Youdon’tknowthat,”Paksaid,hisvoicegentleandcalm.Hereachedunderherchinandraisedherfacetomeethisgaze.“Thefactis,ifI’dbeenthere,Iwouldn’thaveturnedofftheoxygenat8:20,either.Youhavetoremember—TJtookoffhishelmet.Wheneverhedidthat,Iaddedextratime,tomakeupforthelostoxygen—”
“But—”
“—whichmeans,”Pakcontinued,“thattheoxygenwouldhavebeenon,andthefireandexplosionexactlythesame,ifI’dbeenthere.”
Youngclosedhereyesandsighed.Howmanytimeshadtheygonearoundthissameissue?Howmanyhypotheticalsandjustificationscouldtheythrowateachother?“Ifwedidnothingwrong,whynottellthetruth?”
Pakclutchedherhand,hard.Ithurt.“Weneedtosticktoourstory.Ileftthebarn.You’renotlicensed.Thepolicyisclear—breakingregulationslikethatisautomaticallyconsiderednegligence.Andnegligencemeansnopayout.”
“Insurance!”Youngsaid,forgettingtokeephervoicedown.“Whocaresaboutthat?”
“Weneedthatmoney.Withoutit,wehavenothing.Everythingwe’vesacrificed,Mary’sfuture—allgone.”
“Listen.”Youngkneltinfrontofhim.Perhapstheactoflookingdownwouldhelphimtakeinherwords.“Theythinkyouliedtocoverupmurder.Thatlawyer’stryingtosendyoutoprisoninElizabeth’splace.Don’tyouseehowmuchworsethisis?Youcouldbeexecuted!”
Marygasped.YounghadthoughtMarywasoffinherownworld,assheoftenwas,butshewasfacingthem.PakglaredatYoung.“You’vegottostopbeingmelodramatic.Nowyou’vegotherscaredfornoreason.”
YoungreachedtosqueezeherarmsaroundMary.ShewaitedforMarytoshakeheroff,butMarystayedstill.“We’reworriedaboutyou,”YoungsaidtoPak.“I’mbeingrealistic,andyou’renottakingthisseriouslyenough.”
“I’mtakingitseriously.I’mjustbeingcalm.Yougettinghysterical,gaspinginthecourtroom—didyouseehoweveryoneturnedtolook?That’sthekindofthingthatmakesmelookguilty.Changingourstorynowistheworstthingwecoulddo.”
Thedooropened.PakglancedatAbeandcontinuedinKorean,saying,“Noonesayanything.I’lldothetalking,”butinarelaxedtone,likehewastalkingabouttheweather.
Abelookedfeverish.Hisface,normallythecolorofoiledmahogany,wasablotchedrusset,andafilmofhalf-driedsweatmattedhisskin.WhenhiseyesmetYoung’s,insteadofhisusualtoothysmile,helookedawayquicklyasifinembarrassment.“YoungandMary,IneedtotalktoPakalone.Youcanwaitdownthehall.There’slunchthere.”
“Iwanttostay.Withmyhusband,”Youngsaid,andputherhandonPak’sshoulder,expectingahintofgratitudeforhersupport—asmileornod,ormaybehishandonhers,likethenightbefore.Instead,PakfrownedandsaidinKorean,“Justdowhatyou’retold.”Hiswordswerequiet,almostwhispers,buttheyhadthesoundofacommand.
Youngdroppedherhand.She’dbeenfoolishtothinkthatjustbecauseofonemomentoftendernesslastnight,Pakwasnolongerwhathe’dalwaysbeen:atraditionalKoreanmanwhoexpectednothingbutmeekobediencefromhiswifeinpublic.SheleftwithMary.
Theywerehalfwaydownthehallwhenthedoorshutbehindthem.Marystopped,lookedaround,andtiptoedbacktotheconferenceroom.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Youngsaidinawhisperedyell.
Maryputherfingertoherlipsinasilentshhhhhandputhereartothedoor.
Younglookeddownthehallway.Nooneelsewasaround.SheranontiptoestojoinMaryandlistenin.
Therewasnosound,whichsurprisedYoung.Abewasoneofthosepeoplewhodidn’tlikesilence.Shecouldn’trememberameetingthatdidn’toverflowwithAbe’swordsstrungintoonecontinuoussoundwithnopauses.Sowhatdidthismean,thissilence?WasAbebeingguardedandslow,carefullyconsideringeveryword,becausePakwasnowamurdersuspect?
Abefinallysaid,“Manythingscameouttoday.Troublingthings.”Hiswordshadtheheftandforcedevennessofarequiem.
Pakspokeimmediately,asifhe’dbeenwaitingtospeak.“Iamsuspectnow?”
YoungexpectedAbetoprotest,No!Ofcoursenot!Buttherewasnothing.Justthesoftcrunch-crunchofMarygnawingonathickstrandofherhair,abadhabitthatstartedtheirfirstyearinAmerica.
Afteramoment,Abesaid,“You’renomoreasuspectthananyoneelse.”
Whatdidthatmean?Abesaidthingslikethisalot,thingsthatweremeanttobereassuringbut,really,whenyouthoughtaboutit,leftwiggleroomthesizeofacathedral.LikeafterthepoliceinvestigatedPakfornegligenceandAbesaid,“You’reasgoodascleared.”Youwereeitherclearedornot—howcouldanythingotherthanactuallyclearedbeasgoodascleared?
Abecontinued.“Therearesome…inconsistencies.Theinsurancecall,forone.Didyoumakeit?”
“No,”Paksaid.YoungwantedtoshoutatPaktoelaborate,tosayhehadnoreasontocallbecausehealreadyknewtheanswer.Beforesigning,she’dhelpedhimtranslatethepolicy,andthey’dlaughedovertheidiocyofAmericancontractstakingmultipleparagraphstosayobviousthingsevenchildrenknow.She’dspecificallypointedoutthearsonsection.(“Twopagessayingtheywon’tpayifyouburndownyourownpropertyorgetsomeoneelseto!”)
“Youshouldknow,”Abesaid,“thecompany’sretrievingtherecordingofthecall.”
“Good.ThatwillproveIamnotcaller.”Paksoundedindignant.
Abesaid,“DidanyoneelsehaveaccesstoMatt’sphoneduringthemorningdive?”
“No.Marylefthouseat8:30forSATclass.Youngcleanedupbreakfast.Iwasalwaysaloneforfirstdive,everyday.But…”Pak’svoicetrailedoff.
“Butwhat?”
“Oneday,MattsaidhehadJanine’stelephone,andJaninehadhistelephone.Theyexchanged,bymistake.”Youngremembered.Matthadbeenupset;he’dalmostskippedthedivetogethisphonebackrightaway.
“Wasthisthedayofthecall?Theweekbeforetheexplosion?”
“Iamnotsure.”
Therewasalongsilence,thenAbesaid,“DidJanineknowwhoyourpolicywaswith?”
“Yes,”Paksaid.“Sherecommendedthecompany.Sameoneherofficeuse.”
“Interesting.”SomethingaboutthislastexchangeseemedtobreakAbe’scaution;hisnormalfast,up-and-downcadence—thevocalequivalentofmerry-go-roundhorses—returned.“Now,thisotherbusinessofyourneighbor.Didyouleavethebarnthatlastdive?”
“No,”Paksaid.HisunequivocaldenialmadeYoungflinch,wonderwhoshe’dmarried,thismanwhocouldliesoeffectively,absolutely,withnohesitation.
“Yourneighborsayshesawyououtsidefortenminutesbeforetheexplosion.”
“Heislyingorhismemoryiswrong.Icheckelectriclinesthatday,manytimes,checkifpowercompanyistheretofix.Butalwaysduringbreaks.Neverduringdives.”Paksoundedconfident,almostarrogant.
Abe,hisstiffnessfullybroken,said,“Listen,Pak.Ifthere’sanythingyou’renottellingme,now’sthetime.Yousufferedamajortrauma.It’senoughtomakeanyonefuzzy.It’snaturaltogetafewthingswrong.Youwouldn’tbelievehowmanywitnessessweartheyrememberperfectlyandtellmeX,thenItellthemsomethingsomebodyelsesaid,andbam,theyremembersomethingthey’dcompletelyforgotten.Theimportantthingistocomecleannow,beforeyou’vetestified.Youjusttellthejuryeverythingthefirsttime,it’llbefine.Youwaituntillater,though,thatwon’tfly.Suddenly,thejurywonders,What’shehiding?Why’dhechangehisstory?Thenbam,Shannonscreamsthere’stheirreasonabledoubt,andeverythingfallsapart.”
“Thatwillnothappen.Iamtellingthetruth.”Pak’svoicerose,gotlouder.
“Youhavetorealize,”Abesaid,“yourneighbor’sveryconvincing.Hewasonthephone,tellinghissonaboutyoufoolingwiththeballoonsinthepowerlinesandwhatnot.Thesonverifiedit.Thephonerecordsmatchup.Yourstoryandtheirscan’tbothbetrue.”
“Theyarewrong,”Paksaid.
“Now,whatIcan’tfigureout,”AbecontinuedasifPakhadn’tspoken,“iswhyyou’dfightthis.That’sagoldenalibirightthere,aneutralpartyverifyingyouwerenowherenearwherethefirestarted.Shannoncanyellandscreamalldaylongaboutyounotopeningthehatch,butnoneofthatchangesthefactthatElizabethsetthefire.Soformypurposes,gettingthatwomaninprison,I’mfinewithwhatSpinumsays.WhatI’mnotfinewithisyoulyingaboutit.Becauseyoulyingaboutanythingmakesmewonderwhatyou’recoveringup,youknow?”
Marystartedchewingherhairagain,thesoundofherteethgnawingonherhairgrowinglouderinthesilence,moreinsistent,matchingtherhythmofYoung’screscendoingheartbeatinherears.
“Iwasinthebarn,”Paksaid.
Maryshookherhead.Herfacewasonebigfrown,scrunchedinagitation,andthescaracrosshercheekpoppedout,puffyandwhite.“Weneedtodosomething.Heneedshelp,”MarysaidinEnglish.
“Yourfathertoldustodonothing.Wemustdowhathesays,”YoungsaidinKorean.
Marylookedather,hermouthopenasiftosaysomethingbutunabletoproduceasound.Youngrecognizedthelook.RightafterPakcametoAmerica,whenhetoldthemhe’ddecidedtomovethemtoMiracleCreek,Maryhadfoughtwithhim,criedandyelledthatshedidn’twanttomovetothemiddleofnowherewheresheknewnoone.WhenPakscoldedherfordisrespectingherparents’authority,she’dturnedtoYoung.“Tellhim,”she’dsaid.“Iknowyouagreewithme.Youhaveavoice.Whycan’tyouuseit?”
Younghadwantedto.She’dwantedtoshoutthattheywereinAmericanow,whereshe’dspentfouryearsparenting,runningastore,andhandlingfinancesallonherown,andPakbarelyknewthemanymoreandcertainlydidn’tknowAmericahalfaswellasshedid,sowhowashetoorderherwhattodo?Butthewayhe’dlooked—bewilderedanxietybloomingonhisface,likeaboyatanewschool,wonderingwherehefitin—she’dseenhowmuchtheyearsofseparationhadstrippedfromhim,hisdesperationtoreestablishhisroleasheadofthefamily.She’dachedforhim.“Itrustyoutodecidewhat’sbestforourfamily,”she’dtoldPakandseenonMary’sfacethesamelookasnow:amixofdisappointment,contempt,and,worstofall,pityforherpowerlessness.She’dfeltsmall,asifshewerethechildandMarytheadult.
Youngwantedtoexplainallthistoherdaughternow.ShereachedoutforMary’shand,toguideheraway,wheretheycouldtalk.Butbeforeshecoulddoanything,sayanything,Maryturned,openedthedoor,andsaidinaloud,clearvoice,“Itwasme.”
THEANGERTHATMaryhadactedlikeachild—withoutthinkingfirst,withnoregardforconsequences—wouldcomelater.Inthemoment,though,whatbubbledtothesurfacewasenvy.Envythatherdaughter,ateenager,hadthecouragetoact.
“Whatwasyou?”Abesaid.
“WhoMr.Spinumsaw,thatwasme,”Marysaid.“Iwasouttherebeforetheexplosion.Myhairwasupinabaseballcaplikemydadwears,andIguess,fromadistance,hethoughtIwasmydad.”
“Butyouwereinthebarn,”Abesaid,hisfrowndeepening.“That’swhatyou’vesaidallalong,thatyoustayedwithyourdaduntilrightbeforetheexplosion.”
Mary’sfaceblanched.Clearly,shehadn’tthoughtthroughhowtoreconciletheirstorywithhernewone.MarylookedtoYoungandPak,hereyesdartinginapanickedpleaforhelp.
PakcametoherrescueandsaidinEnglish,“Mary,thedoctorssayyourmemorywillreturnslowly.Doyouremembernewsomething?YouwentoutsidetohelpMomfindbatteries,maybesomethingelsehappened?”
Marybitherlip,likeshewastryingnottocry,andslowlynodded.Whenshefinallyspoke,herwordswerehaltingandunsure.“Ihadafightwithmymomearlier—helpingoutmore,cooking,cleaning…Ifigured…ifwewerealone,she’djustyellatmemore,soI…didn’tgointhehouse.Iremembered…”Mary’sbrowfurrowedinfocusedconcentration,asiftryingtorecallafuzzymemory.“Iknewaboutthepowerlines,so…Iwentthereinstead.Ithoughtmaybe…Icouldfreetheballoons,but…Icouldn’treachthestrings.SoIcameback.”ShelookedatAbe.“That’swhenIsawsmoke.SoIwentthere,behindthebarn,andthen…”Mary’svoicebrokeoffandsheclosedhereyes.Atearglideddownhercheek,asifoncommand,accentuatingthebumpsandcrevicesofherscar.
Youngknewthatsheshouldactthepartofthemotherachingforherdaughterwho,untilnow,hadnevertalkedaboutthatnight.Thatsheshouldhugher,smoothherhair,doallthethingsmothersdotocomforttheirchildren.Butshecouldonlystandstill,nauseated,worrycoursingthroughher,surethatAbemustseerightthroughMary’sstory.
Buthedidn’t.Heboughtitall—actedlikeit,anyway—andsaidthisexplainedalot,andofcourseitwasunderstandableformemoriestoslowlyrisetothesurface,indribsanddrabs,likethedoctorssaid.HeseemedintenselyrelievedathearingaplausibleexplanationforMr.Spinum’sstory,andifAbehaddoubtsaboutMary’sstory—howsomeonecould,evenfromadistance,mistakeagirlforamiddle-agedman,orhowtoreconcileMary’sfew-minutes-by-the-power-linestimingwithMr.Spinum’sten-plusminutes—heglossedoverthemwithmutteringsaboutfailingeyesight,oldwhitementhinkingallAsianslookthesame,andteenagerslosingtrackoftime.
AbesaidtoPak,“Idon’tknowwhyShannon’sdecidedtopickonyou.There’snomotive.Evenifyouwantedinsurancemoney,whywouldn’tyouwaituntilthechamberwasempty?Whyriskkillingkids?Itmakesnosense.Ifitweren’tforthismix-upaboutyoubeingoutside,she’dhavenothingonyou.”
Maryletoutahalfchortle,halfsob.“It’smyfault.IfonlyI’drememberedbefore…”ShelookedatAbe,herfacecrinkledinpain.“I’msosorry.Thiswon’thurtmydad,right?Hedidn’tdoanythingwrong.Hecan’tgotojail.”
MarykneltnexttoPakandrestedherheadonhisshoulder.Pakpattedherhead,asiftosayitwasokay,allwasforgiven,andMaryheldoutherhandtoYoung,invitinghertojoinherandPak.Evenaftershewenttothem,onehandinMary’s,theotherinPak’s,formingacircle,Youngfeltasenseofbeinganoutsider,ofbeingexcludedfromthebondbetweenherhusbandanddaughter.PakhadforgivenMaryfordisobeyinghisplan;wouldhehavebeensounderstandingofYoung?AndMary—she’dbrokenthroughhermonths-longsilenceforPak;wouldshehavedonethatforYoung?
Abesaid,“Don’tworry,we’llworkitout.Pak,I’llhaveyouexplaintomorrowduringyourtestimony.Mary,Imayhavetoputyouonthestand.”Abestoodup.“ButIcan’thelpunlessyou’restraightwithme,andIdon’twantanotherdayliketoday.Soletmeaskyou:Isthereanything,anything,youhaven’ttoldme?”
Paksaid,“No.”
Marysaid,“No,nothing.”
AbelookedatYoung.Youngopenedhermouthbutnowordscameout.Sherealizedthatshe’dsaidnothingthisentiretime,sinceMaryopenedthedoor.
“Young?Istheresomethingelse?”Abesaid.
YoungthoughtofMaryonthatnight,helpingPaktokeepwatchovertheprotesterswhileshewasalone,ransackingthehouseforbatteries.ShethoughtofhercallwithPak,hercomplainingaboutandhisdefendingtheirdaughter,asalways.
“Anythingatall?Now’sthetime,”Abesaid.Pak’sandMary’shandssqueezedherstight,urginghertojointhem.
Younglookeddownatthefacesofherhusbandanddaughter,turnedtoAbe,andsaid,“Youknoweverything.”Thenshestood,unitedwithherfamily,asAbetoldthemthatafterthenextwitness’stestimony,noone,absolutelynoone,wouldhavetheslightestdoubtthatElizabethwantedhersondead.
TERESA
SHECOULDN’TSTOPTHINKINGABOUTSEX.Allthroughlunchrecess,munchingherfood,strollingthroughtheshops,gazingatthevineyards:sex,sex,sex.
Itstartedatoneoftheoh-so-cutecafésthatpepperedMainStreet.Thewallswerelilacwithhand-paintedgrapedrawings,clearlyaladies-who-lunchplace.Theguyattheregister,though,hadbeenaman,rightoutofcentralcastingforHotYoungDude,hischiseledmuscularityaccentuatedbyitsjuxtapositiontothedaintybackground.Approachinghimtopayforhersalad,Teresacaughtawhiffofsomethingfamiliar,deepfromherpast.Somethingspicy—maybePolo,herhighschoolboyfriend’scologne—mixedwithdryingsweat.Themusky,pungentscentoforgasm—notthekindshewasusedto,byherselfunderthecoverswithonlyherindexfingermovinginsmallcircles,butthekindshehadn’thadinelevenyears,helddownbytheweightofaman’sbodyonhers,theirbodiesslipperywithsweat.
“It’shotoutthere.Yousureyouwantthistogo?”theguysaid.
Shesaid,inwhatshethoughtwasavaguelysexualtone,“Ilikeithot.”Shegavehimahalfsmileofthesuggestivevarietyandsaunteredout,savoringtheswivelofherskirt,thegrazeofsilkagainstherskin.Ablocklater,shesawMatt,whocalledherMotherTeresa,andshehadtofightnottolaughoutloudatthecombineddeliciousnessandridiculousnessofthemoment.
Itmayhavebeentheskirt.Shehadn’twornoneinyears.WithallthebendingnecessarytomanageRosa’swheelchairandtubes,skirtswerenotanoption.Ormaybeitwasbeingalone.Remarkably,wonderfully,dizzyinglyalone,withnoonetotakecareof.Liberatedfromtherolesof24/7Mom-NursetoRosaandSpare-TimeMomtoCarlos(a.k.a“TheOtherKid,”ashecalledhimself)forthefirsttimeinelevenyears.
Notthatsheneverhadfreetime;afewhourseveryweek,churchvolunteerstookturnsbabysitting.Butthoseoutingswererushed,filledwitherrands.Yesterdaywasthefirsttimeinadecadeshe’dspentanentiredayawayfromRosa—thefirsttimeshedidn’thandleallherfeedingsanddiaperchanges,didn’tdrivehertotherapiesintheirhandicap-modifiedvan,didn’tgreetheroutofsleepandkisshergoodnight.Ithadbeennerve-racking,andthevolunteershadhadtopushheroutthedoor,sayingnottoworry,justfocusonthetrial.She’dcalledhomeassoonasshegottocourtandtwiceduringthefirstbreak.
Duringlunchrecessyesterday,Teresacalledhome,atethesandwichshe’dpacked,andlookedatherwatch.Fiftyminutesleft,withnothingshehadtogetdone.Soshewalked.Aimlessly.TherewerenoTargetsorCostcos.Onlyjewel-tonedshopsdesignedforfrivolity,flauntingtheirdeliberaterejectionofthepractical.Shewalkedintoausedbookstorewithawholesectiononancientmapsbutnotonebookonspecial-needsparenting,aclothingstorewithfifteenvarietiesofslap-onbraceletsbutnounderwearorsocks.Witheachpassingminuteofjustbrowsing,ofnotbeingacaregiver,Teresafeltherselfsheddingthatrole,cellbycell,likeasnakewithitsskin,unearthingwhathadbeencovered.NotTeresatheMotherorTeresatheNurse,butsimplyTeresa,awoman.TheworldofRosa,Carlos,wheelchairs,andtubesbecomingsurrealanddistant.Theintensityofherloveandworryforthemgrowingfainterlikestarsatdawn—stillthere,butnotasvisible.
Afterthefirstdayofthetrial,Teresadrovehomeintheborrowedcoupe,singingtorocksongs.WhenshegothometenminutesbeforeRosa’sbedtime,shedrovepastherhouse,parkedinahiddenwoodedspot,and,forfifteenminutes,readabookshe’dboughtduringrecess,a99-centMaryHigginsClarkmystery,savoringtheextrastolenminutes.
ItwaslikethoseMethodactors,whogetmoreintocharacterthelongertheypretendtobesomeoneelse.Today,Teresaleftthehouseearlierthannecessary.Sheactedthepartofasinglewoman—putonmakeupinthecar,woreherhairlong,staredatvineyardworkers.Andforthebriefestmomentwiththecashierguy,sheactuallyfeltlikeafreewoman,awomanwithoutthemale-repellentcombinationofadisableddaughterandasurlyson.
Shewaiteduntilthelastminutetoreturntocourt.Atthedoor,twowomenshe’dmetafewtimes—MiracleSubmarinepatientsfromthemorningdiveafterhers—greetedher.Onewomansaid,“Iwasjustsayinghowhardthisis,mebeinghere.Myhusband’snotusedtotakingcareofthekids,”andtheothersaid,“Samehere.Ihopethetrialendssoon.”
TeresanoddedandtriedtoshapeherlipsintoanI-feel-the-same-waysmile.Shewonderedifitmadeherabadperson,herself-indulgentdelightatthishiatusfromherlife.Wassheabadmotherifshedidn’tmissRosa’scurledlips,openingtosay“Mama”?Abadfriendtothevolunteersifsheprayedthetrialwouldlastamonth?Sheopenedhermouthtosay,“Iknow,Ifeelsoguilty,”whenshesawtheirfaces—notguilty,butexcited,theireyesdartingeverywhere,caughtupinthedramaofthecourtroom.Itoccurredtoherthen:thepossibilitythatthesewomen,likeTeresa,wereplayingthepartofGoodMother,tryingtopretendtheyweren’trelishingthisquasi-vacationthatforcedtheirhusbandsintothechaoticmundanityoftheirday-to-daylives.Teresalookedatthem,smiled,andsaid,“Iknowexactlyhowyoufeel.”
ITWASMUGGYinthecourtroom.She’dexpectedrelieffromtheheat—overahundred,someonesaid—buttheairwasjustasdenseinside.Maybefromeveryonewho’dwalkedinthehotsun,soakingupthehumiditylikeasponge,nowsteppinginandreleasingthedankheat.Theairconditionerswereon,buttheysoundedfeeble,sputteringonceinawhileasifexhausted.Theairdribblingout,notcoolingtheroomsomuchasusheringsweatparticlesaroundit.
Abeannouncedhisnextwitness:StevePierson,anarsonspecialistandleadinvestigator.Ashewalkedup,hisbaldheadslimyandpinkwithsweat,Teresacouldalmostseesteamrisefromit.Teresawasbarelyfivefeettall,somostpeopleseemedbigtoher,butDetectivePiersonwasagiant,eventallerthanAbe.Thewitnessstandsqueakedashesteppedup,andthewoodenchairlookedlikeatoynexttohisbulk.Whenhesat,thestreamingsunhithishairlesshead-bulblikeaspotlight,castingahaloaroundhisface.ItremindedTeresaofthefirsttimeshesawhim,thenightoftheexplosion:himstandingagainstthebackdropofthefire,withtwitchingflamesreflectingofftheglossofhisscalp.
Ithadbeenanightmarescene.Sirensinvaryingpitchesfromfiretrucks,ambulances,andpolicecarsblaringabovethesteadycrackleofthefireeatingthroughthebarn.Theemergencyvehicles’flashinglightsagainstthedarkeningskycreatingapsychedelicnightclubvibe,withfoam-waterlinesfromhosescrisscrossinginmidairlikestreamers.Andstretchers.Stretcherswiththeirbrightwhitesheets,everywhere.
BothTeresaandRosawerefine,miraculously,justsmokeinhalationforwhichtheyweregiven—anirony—pureoxygen.Asshebreathedin,shesawMattfightingoffEMTsholdinghimdown.“Letmego!Shedoesn’tknowyet.Ineedtotellher.”
Teresastoppedbreathing.Elizabeth.Shedidn’tknowhersonwasdead.
That’swhenStevePiersonhadcomeintoview,withhisfreakishlywideshouldersandhairlessheadlikeacaricatureofamovievillain.“Sir,we’llfindthedeceasedboy’smother,”hesaidinahigh,nasalsqueak,allthemorealienbecauseitcontrastedwiththeboomingbasssheexpectedfromsuchabigbody.Itseemedwrong,asifhisrealvoicehadbeendubbedbyarecordingfromaprepubescentboy.“We’lldeliverthenews.”
Deliverthenews.Ma’am,Ihavenews,Teresaimaginedthismansaying,asifHenry’sdeathwereaninterestingCNNforeign-correspondencereport.Yoursonisdeceased
No.ShewouldnotletsomestrangerwholookedlikeaScandinaviansumowrestlerandspokelikeAlvintheChipmunktellElizabeth,wouldnotlethiminfectthatmomentshe’dreliveagainandagain.Teresaherselfhadlivedthat,anoh-so-busy-and-importantdoctortellingher,“I’mcallingtoinformyouthatyourdaughterisinacoma,”thencuttingoffhershocked“What?Isthisajoke?”with“I’dsuggestgettinghereassoonaspossible.Shelikelywon’tsurvivemuchlonger.”TeresawantedafriendtotellElizabethgently,tocrywithandhugherthewayshewishedherex-husbandhadinsteadofdelegatingtoastranger.
TeresaleftRosawiththeEMTsandwenttofindElizabeth.Itwas8:45,sothedivewassupposedtohaveendedawhileago.Wherewasshe?Notinhercar.Maybeshe’dgoneforawalk?Matthadsaidoncethattherewasanicetrailbythecreek.
Ittookherfiveminutestofindher,lyingonablanketbythecreek.“Elizabeth?”Teresasaid,butshedidn’tanswer.Walkingcloser,shesawwhitebudsinherears.Tinnyechoesofblaringmusicleakedoutofthem,mixingwiththegurglingcreekandchirpingcrickets.
ThedarkeningskycastapurplishshadowonElizabeth’sface.Hereyeswereclosed,aslightsmileonherface.Serene.Apackofcigarettesandmatcheslayontheblanket,nexttoacigarettebutt,crumpledpaper,andathermosbottle.
“Elizabeth,”Teresasaidagain.Nothing.Teresabentdownandsnatchedtheearbudsaway.Elizabethstartled,herbodyjerkingawake.Thethermosfelloverandapalestrawliquidgurgledout.Wine?
“OhmyGod,Ican’tbelieveIfellasleep.Whattimeisit?”Elizabethsaid.
“Elizabeth,”Teresasaid,andcuppedherhands.Flashinglightsfromtheambulancebrightenedtheskyinspurts,likedistantfireworks.“Somethingawfulhashappened.Therewasafire,anexplosion.Ithappenedsoquickly.”ShegrippedElizabeth’shands.“I’mafraidthatHenrywas…involved,andhe…he’s…”
Elizabethdidn’tsayanything.Didn’taskHe’swhat?,didn’tgasp,didn’tscream.ShejustblinkedatTeresainevenbeats,asifcountingdownthesecondsuntilTeresacouldutterthelastwordinhersentence.Five,four,three,two,one.Hurt,Teresayearnedtosay.Neardeath,even.Anythingwithjustashardofhope.
“Henrydied,”Teresafinallysaid.“I’msosorry,Ican’ttellyou—”
Elizabethsqueezedhereyesshutandheldupherhandasiftosay,Stop.Sheswayedslightly,backandforth,likeashirtonahangerinthesummerbreeze,andasTeresaleanedintosteadyher,sheopenedhermouthinasilenthowl.Shesnappedherheadback,andTeresarealized:Elizabethwaslaughing.Outloud,inahigh-pitched,maniacalcackle,assherepeatedlikeamantra,“He’sdead,he’sdead,he’sdead!”
TERESALISTENEDtoDetectivePierson’stestimonyabouttherestofthatnight.HowElizabethhadscannedthescenewithaneeriecalmness.Howhe’dledhertoHenry’sstretcherand,beforehecouldstopher,she’dpulledbackthewhitesheetcoveringhisface.Howshehadn’tscreamedorcriedorclungtothebodylikeothergrievingparents,andhetoldhimselfitmustbenumbnessfromshock,butboy,itsurewascreepy.
Allthroughtherecitationofthesefactsshe’dknown,livedthrough,Teresalookeddown,smoothingthewrinklesonherhands,andthoughtaboutElizabethshouting“He’sdead!”Herguffawinthatmoment—thatwaswhattoldherElizabethdidn’tkillHenry,orifshedid,itwasn’tonpurpose,wasn’tmurder.Whenshewaseight,Teresahadfallenthroughice,onapond.Thewaterhadbeensocold,itfeltboilinghot.Elizabeth’slaughhadfeltlikethat,likeshe’dbeeninsomuchpainthatshe’dbypassedcrying,straightpastittosomethingbeyond:agrief-strickencacklethattransmittedmorepainthananysoborscream.Buthowcouldsheputthatintowords,explainthatElizabeth’slaughhadnotbeenalaugh?Herdrinkingandsmoking—unmotherlythings—werebadenough.Laughingwhentoldofherson’sdeathwouldmakeherseematbestcrazy,andatworstpsychopathic.Soshe’dnevertoldanyone.
Abewasputtingsomethingontheeasel.Ablowupofnotepadpaper,phrasesscrawledeverywhere.Mostlyto-dolists:phonenumbers,URLs,groceryitems.Fivephrases,scatteredaroundthepage,werehighlightedinyellow:Ican’tdothisanymore;Ineedmylifeback;ItneedstoendTODAY!!;Henry=victim?How?;andNOMOREHBOT,thislastphrasecircledadozentimesinonestroke,likeachild’sdrawingofatornado.Unevenlinescrisscrossedthepaper;ithadbeentornandputbacktogetherlikeapuzzle.
Abesaid,“DetectivePierson,telluswhatthisis.”
“It’sanenlargedandhighlightedcopyofanotefoundinthedefendant’skitchen.Ithadbeentornintoninepiecesanddiscardedinthetrashcan.Handwritinganalysisconfirmedthewritingasthedefendant’s.”
“Sothedefendantwrote,tore,andthrewthisaway.Why’sitsignificant?”
“Itseemstobeaplanningdocumentofsorts.Thedefendanthadenoughofcaringforherspecial-needschild.Sheplannedto‘end’itallthatnight.”Hedrewairquotes.“‘NomoreHBOT,’shewrote.BymatchingtheURLsandnumbersherewiththedefendant’sInternethistoryandphonerecords,wedeterminedthatshewrotethisonthedayoftheexplosion.Sohoursaftershewritesthis,theHBOTblowsup,killingherson.Andasthat’shappening,she’scelebratingbydrinkingwineandsmoking,whichonemightviewastheultimatesymboloffreedomfromparentalresponsibilities.”PiersonfrownedatElizabethasifhe’dbittendownonspoiledfood,andTeresawonderedifhe’dgiveherthesamelookifhe’dseenherlastnight,hidingoutinhercarforafewmoreminutesoffreedomfromherdisabledchild.
“PerhapsthedefendantwaswritingaboutbeingtiredandplanningtoquitHBOT.Isn’tthatpossible,Detective?”
Piersonshookhishead.“Shesente-mailsthatverydaycancelingHenry’stherapy—speech,OT,physical,social—allexceptHBOT.WhynotquitHBOT,too,if‘NomoreHBOT’meantshewantedtoquit,unlessofcoursethere’snoneedbecausesheknewit’dbedestroyed?”
“Hmmm,verypeculiar.”AbeputonhisI-can’t-figure-this-outlook.
“Yes,quiteacoincidence,thedefendantdecidingtoquitHBOTontheverydaythatithappenstoexplodeandeverythingshewrotedowncomestrue,andconveniently,Henrynolongerneedstheservicesshejustcanceled.”
“Butcoincidencesdohappen,”Abesaid,voiceanimated,clearlyputtingonagoodcop,badcopshowforthejurors.
“True,butifshedecidedtoquit,whygotothenextdive?Whymakethelongdrivethenliethatshe’ssick?WhydothatafterspendingtheafternoonresearchingHBOTfires,asconfirmedbyourforensicanalysisofhercomputer?”
Abesaid,“DetectivePierson,asanexpertinarsoninvestigations,whatconclusiondidyoudrawfromthedefendant’scomputersearchesandnotes?”
“HersearchesfocusedonthemechanicsofHBOTfires—wheretheystart,howtheyspread—whichindicateapersonplanningarson,figuringouthowbesttosetfiretoensurethedeathofpeopleinsideanHBOTchamber.Hernote,‘Henry=victim?How?’demonstratesherfocusonhowtoensurethatHenryis,infact,thevictim,theonewho’skilled.HerlaterorchestratingHenry’sseatingtoensurehisplacementinthemostdangerousspotconfirmsthat.”
“Objection.”Elizabeth’slawyeraskedforasidebar.Whilethelawyersconferredwiththejudge,Teresalookedattheposter.EveryscrawlwassomethingTeresaherselfmighthavewritten.Howmanytimeshadshethought,Ican’tdothisanymore.Ineedmylifeback?Hell,itwaspartofhernightlyprayers:“DearGod,pleasehelpRosa,pleasebringusanewcureordrugorsomething,God,becauseIneedmylifeback.Carlosneedshislifeback.Rosa,mostofall,needsherlifeback.Please,God.”Andlastsummer,makingthelongdrivetwiceaday,hadn’tshecounteddownthedays,saidtoRosa,“Ninemoredays,mygirl,thenNOMOREHBOT!”?
AndtheHenry=victim?How?note.Pierson’sexplanationmadesenselogically,intellectually,butsomethingaboutthatphrasetriggeredsomething.Henryequalsvictim,how.Henryisavictim,Henryasavictim?How?sherepeated,losingherselfintherhythmthatfeltsofamiliar,likealong-agolullaby.
Itcametohersuddenly.Theprotestersthatmorning.“You’reharmingthem,”thesilver-bob-hairedwomanhadsaid.“You’veturnedthemintovictimsofyourwarpeddesiretohavetextbook-perfectchildren.”ThishadgottentoElizabeth—herfacehadblanchedeventhoughithadbeensauna-hot—andTeresahadsaid,“Comeon,Henryavictim?That’sridiculous.YoubuyHenryorganicunderwear,forGod’ssake.”Butlater,she’dthought,IsRosaavictimofmyinabilitytoaccepther?ButIjustwantherhealthy.Howisthatwrong?Ifshe’dhadpaper,shemighthavedoodledRosa=victim?How?
ThelawyersreturnedtotheirtablesandAbeputupanotherposter.
“Detective,”Abesaid.“Telluswhatthisis.”
“It’sanillustrationfromthelastwebsitethedefendantsawbeforetheexplosion.Shesearchedfor‘HBOTfirestartoutsidechamber,’presumablytofindthecaselistedontheprotesters’flyer,andfoundthis:achambersimilartoMiracleSubmarine,wherethefirestartedoutside.Thefirecrackedtheoxygentubing,allowingoxygentoescapeandtocomeincontactwithflames.TankOneexplodedandkilledthetwopatientsconnectedtoit.”
“Sothedefendantsawthisimageafewhoursbeforeputtinghersoninthethirdspot,markedDeceased.Isthatwhatyou’retellingus?”
“Exactly.Nowremember”—Piersonlookedatthejury—“MiracleSubmarineexplodedintheexactsameway.Thefirestartedinthesamespot,undertheU-shapeddropofoxygentubing.Thefatalitieswerealsothesame,inthetworearpositionswheresheinsistedhersonbeseated.”
TeresalookedattheleftboxmarkedNoinjurieswhereRosahadsat.Ineveryotherdive,she’dsatintheredboxmarkedDeceased.IfElizabethhadn’tinsistedonchangingthings,Rosa’sheadwould’vebeentheoneengulfedinflames,charredtothebones.Teresashiveredandshookherheadtoexpelthethought,flingitaway.Shefeltreliefsointensethatherkneesbuckled,thenarushofshamethatshewas,let’sfaceit,thankingGodforsomeoneelse’schilddyinganexcruciatingdeath.ItoccurredtoTeresathen—wasitpossiblethatshewasrootingforElizabethnotbecauseshethoughtherinnocent,butoutofgratitudetoElizabeth,forplanningtheexplosioninawaythatleftRosasafe?WasherselfishnesscoloringherinterpretationofElizabeth’slaugh,hernotes?
Abesaid,“Didyoudiscussthefire’spointoforiginwiththedefendant?”
“Yes,rightafterthedefendantidentifiedherson’sbody.Itoldherwe’dfindwhoeverwasresponsibleandhowthishappened.Shesaid,‘Itwastheprotesters.Theysetthefireoutside,undertheoxygentubing.’Remember,atthispoint,wedidn’tknowwhereorhowthefirestarted.Later,whenouranalysisconfirmedthatveryspotasthefire’spointoforigin,weweresurprised,tosaytheleast.”
“Couldshehaveknownbecauseofwhatsheclaimed—theprotesterssetthefireandtheirflyermadeitclearhowtheydidit?”Abesaid,soundinglikeaninnocentschoolboyaskingiftheEasterbunnywasreal.
“No.”Piersonshookhishead.“Weinvestigatedthemthoroughlyandruledthemoutforseveralreasons.First,allsixprotesterswerereleasedfromquestioningat8:00p.m.TheysaidtheyalldrovebacktoD.C.immediatelywithoutstoppinganywhere,andcelltowerpingscorroboratethat.Second,allsixhaveimpeccablebackgroundsaspeaceful,law-abidingcitizens,withtheprimarygoalofprotectingchildrenfromharm.”
Teresashookherheadatthis,hard,wishingthatshecouldtellthejurynottobefooledbytheirsupposed“peacefulness.”Theyhadn’tseenthosewomenthatmorning,jawsclenched,contemptintheireyes.They’dlookedreadytodoanythingnecessarytostopHBOT,likethosefanaticswhogundownabortiondoctorsinthenameofsavinglives.
Teresatookdeepbreathstocalmherself.Onthestand,Piersonwassaying,“Evenifyoubelievethey’ddosomethingasdrasticascommitarsontoscarepeopleintostoppingHBOT,itmakesnosensethatthey’ddoitwhentheoxygenwasonfullblastandchildrenwereinside.”
Whentheoxygenwasonfullblast.Thisphrasetriggeredathoughtthatsentchillsthroughherbody:Whatiftheydidn’tknowtheoxygenwason?Thatmorning,asshewasrushingpastthemafterthefirstdive,thesilver-bobbedwomanhadyelled,“We’renotgoinganywhere.Seeyoutonightat6:45.”Shehadn’tthoughtmuchofit,she’djustbeenannoyed,butnow,Teresarealized:theprotestershadknowntheirexactschedule.Whichmeantthey’dexpectedtheoxygentobeoffby8:05.AccordingtoPierson,whoeverstartedthefirehadlitthecigarettebetween8:10and8:15.Thatwastheperfecttiming:theprotestersexpectedthedivetobeendingbuttheoxygenturnedoff,whichmeantthefirewouldburnslowly,allowingthepatientstoseeitontheirwayout,atwhichpointthey’dbeterrified,quit,andreportPak.NomoreHBOT.Itmadeperfectsense.
Abesaid,“Icanseewhyyouruledouttheprotestersassuspects.Butiftheyweren’tinvolved,howcouldthedefendantknowthefire’sexactorigin?”Again,thattoneofconfusedcuriosity,asifhegenuinelyhadnoclue.
“Twopossibilities,”Piersonsaid.“One,shesetthefireherselfatthatspottoimplicatetheprotesters.Framesomeoneelseformurder:aclassicplan.Acleverone,whichmight’veworkedifnotforthestrongevidencewefoundagainsther.”
“Andthesecondpossibility?”
“Anunbelievablyluckyguess.”
Severaljurorschuckled,andTeresafeltpressuresqueezingherlungs.Elizabethhatedtheprotesters;thathadbeenobvious.Hadthathatredbeenenoughforhertorisksettingfiretothebarn?Nottokillanyone,buttogettheprotestersintrouble?Thatlastdive,TJ’searshadhurt,soPaktooktwiceaslongasusualtopressurizeandstarttheoxygen.Notknowingthat,Elizabethwould’veexpectedtheoxygentobeoffby8:15.Shecould’vesetthefirethen,expectingeveryonetobeoutshortlyanddiscoverthefirebeforeitgrew.Thatwouldexplainwhyshe’dclearlybeendevastatedbutnotsurprisedwhentoldaboutthefireandHenry’sdeath.Therealizationthatshe’dcausedherownson’sdeath—theirony,theunbearableknowledgethathe’dpaidforherhubris,herhatred,hersin—wouldnodoubtcauseherbreakdown,thatcackleofagonyTeresacouldn’tforget.
Abesaid,“Detective,howexactlydidthefirestart?”
Piersonnodded.“Ourforensicarsonteamdeterminedthataburningcigaretteandmatchbookplacedinthemiddleofapileofsticksunderanoxygentubestartedthefire.Thetubingcracked,puttingtheoxygenincontactwiththefire.Andeventhoughoxygenitselfisn’tflammable,itmixingwiththecontaminantsinandaroundtheequipmentresultedinanexplosion,andtheforceofthatblastblewawaythecigaretteandmatchbookbeforetheywerecompletelyincinerated.Werecoveredseveralpiecesofeachitemintact,andconductedlabtestingonthechemicalcontentsandcolorpatterns.WeidentifiedthebrandofthecigaretteasCamel,andthematchbookasonethat7-Elevenstoresinthisareadistribute.”
Abe’slipswiggled,likehewastryingtosuppressasmirk.“Whatbrandswerethecigarettesandmatchesfoundatthedefendant’spicnicarea?”hesaid,makingpicnicsoundlikeadirtyword.
“Camelcigarettes,anda7-Elevenmatchbook.”
Thewholecourtroomseemedtoriseandvibrate,everyonesittingtallerintheirchairs,leaningforwardandsidewaystocatchaglimpseofElizabeth’sreaction.
Abewaitedforthewhispersandcreaksofchairstoquiet.“Detective,didthedefendantevertrytoexplainawaythiscorrelation?”
“Yes.Afterherarrest,thedefendantsaidshefoundanopenpackofcigarettesandmatchesthatnightinthewoods.”Pierson’svoicetookonasingsongquality,thetoneofababysitterreadingfairytalestokids.“Shesaiditlookeddiscarded,soshetookitandsmokedit.ShesaidtherewasalsoanotewithanH-Martlogoonitsaying,‘Thisneedstoend.Weneedtomeettonight,8:15.’Shesaidshedidn’trealizeitatthetime,butthosemust’vebeendiscardedbythearsonists.”
“Howdidyourespondtothisexplanation?”
“Ididn’tfinditcredible.Teenagerssmokingdiscardedcigarettes,Ibuy.Butaforty-year-oldupper-classwoman?Butbethatasitmay,wetookher‘explanation’seriously.”Hedrewairquotes.“Wedustedthecigarettepackandmatchbookforfingerprints.”
“Whatdidyoufind?”
“Curiously,wefoundonlythedefendant’sfingerprints,nooneelse’s.Sheexplainedthatbysayingsheused”—Pierson’sfacetwitched,asiftryingnottolaugh—“antibacterialwipestocleanthembeforesheusedthem.Because,youknow,they’dbeenontheground.”
Softgigglesswepttheroom.Someonelaughedoutloud.Abefrowned,deliberatelycrinklinghisface.“I’msorry,didyousayantibacterialwipes?”Thejurorssmiled,seeminglyamused,butTeresafoundherselfhatingthetransparenttheatrics,hispretenseatsurprise.“SoshewaswillingtosmoketheserandomcigarettesbelongingtoGodknowswho,aslongassheusedherantibacterialwipes?”Abe’srepetitionof“antibacterialwipes”seemedjuvenile,aformofbullying,andTeresawantedtoshoutathimtoshutup,thatElizabethreallydidhaveahabitofwipingeverythingwiththosewipesshecarriedeverywhere,andsofrickingwhat?
“Yes,”Piersonsaid,“andintheprocess,conveniently‘wipedaway’anyevidencethatcouldhavecorroboratedorcontradictedherstory.”Teresawantedtojumpupandsmackthisman’sfat,bunny-drawingfingers.
“WhataboutfingerprintsontheH-Martnote?Surely,thedefendantdidn’tuseantibacterialwipesonpaper.”
“Wedidn’tfindanynote.”
“Couldithavegottenoverlooked?”
“Thenightoftheexplosion,wesetupawideperimeteraroundthepicnicsiteandcombedthroughitthenextmorning.TherewasnoH-Martnoteinthatvicinity.”
AtinglejoltedTeresa’sscalpandspreaddownhershoulders,warmandthick,likeashawl.Therehadbeenanotethatnight.Closehereyes,andshecouldseeit—acrumpledballofpaperontheblanket.Shecouldn’tmakeoutthewords,butshecouldseebrightredandblacksplashes,thewayH-Mart’slogomightlookscrunchedup.
TeresaimaginedtellingAbe.Wouldhebelieveher?He’daskwhyshedidn’ttellhimbefore.Thetruthwas,toavoidtalkingaboutElizabethlaughingwhentoldofHenry’sdeath,she’dsaidshecouldn’tremembermuchaboutthatconversation,includingwhatitemsshesawnearby.“IwassofocusedontellingherHenrywasdead,IguessIblockedeverythingout,”she’dsaid.ShecouldsayPierson’stestimonytriggeredhermemory,butAbewouldn’tbuyit;he’dpeckatitlikeavultureuntilherstoryfellapart.Whichmeantshemightbeforcedtocomeclean,explainaboutElizabethlaughing.AndthatmighthurtElizabethfarmorethanTeresasayingshesawsomethingthatvaguelymaybecouldbeanH-Martnote.
SogoingtoAbeinprivatewasano-go.Butstayingquietwasnotanoption,either;thejuryhadtoknowthatElizabethwasn’tlyingaboutthenote.
WhenTeresaopenedhereyes,PiersonwassayingtherewasnothingtocorroborateElizabeth’sversionofevents.Teresastoodup.Sheclearedherthroat.Shesaid,“That’snottrue.Isawit.IsawtheH-Martnote.”
ThejudgebangedthegavelandcalledfororderandAbesaidtositbackdown,butTeresaremainedstandingandlookedtoElizabeth.ShannonwassayingsomethingtoElizabeth,butElizabethlookedpastherandmetTeresa’sgaze.Elizabeth’sbottomlipquiveredandstretchedintoahalfsmile.Elizabethblinked,andthetearspoolinginhereyesrolleddownhercheeks.Fast,likethey’dburstfromadam.
ELIZABETH
THEWEEKBEFORETHETRIALSTARTED,ShannontoldElizabeththeyneededasmanypeopleaspossibletositbehindherincourt.Handhertissues,glareatAbe’switnesses,thattypeofthing.Familywasout—Elizabethwasanonlychildandherparentsdiedinthe1989SanFranciscoearthquake—sothatleftfriends.Theproblem:shehadnone.“We’renottalkingwomb-to-tombbosombuddieshere.Justanyonewillingtositbyyou.Sit—that’sit.Hairdresser,dentalhygienist,theWholeFoodscheckoutgirl.Anyone,”Shannonsaid.Elizabethsaid,“Whydon’twehiresomeactors?”
Itwasn’tthatshe’dneverhadfriends.True,she’dalwaysbeenontheshyside,butshe’dhadclosefriendsincollegeandattheaccountingfirm;she’dhadthreebridesmaidsandbeenonetwice.ButsinceHenry’sautismdiagnosissixyearsago,she’dbeentoobusyforanythingnotHenry-centric.Duringtheday,shedroveHenrytoseventypesoftherapy—speech,occupational,physical,auditoryprocessing(Tomatis),socialskills(RDI),visionprocessing,neurofeedback—and,betweenthose,roamedholistic/organicstoresforpeanut/gluten/casein/dairy/fish/egg-freefoods.Atnight,shepreparedHenry’sfoodandsupplementsandwentonautism-treatmentboardssuchasHBOTKidsandAutismDoctorMoms.Afterafewyearsofnocontact,herfriendsstoppedreachingout.Whatcouldshedonow?Callandsay,Hi!Longtimenotalk!Iwaswonderingifyou’dbeinterestedincomingtomymurdertrial,hangoutabitbeforeIgetexecuted.Oh,bytheway,sorryfornotreturningyourcallsforsixyears,butIwasbusywithmyson—youknow,theoneIwasindictedformurdering?
Soyes,Elizabethknewnoonewouldbecomingtosupporther(otherthanShannon,whodidn’tcount,sinceshehadtopayher$600perhour).Butwhenshewalkedinyesterdayandsawtheemptyrowbehindher—theonlyemptyseatsintheentirecourtroom—shefeltapunchinggutpain,asifaninvisibleboxerwerepummelingher.Fortwodays,therowbehindElizabethremainedempty,broadcastingtotheworldthetotallackofsupportforher,flauntingheraloneness.
WhenTeresablurtedoutthatshesawtheH-Martnote,thejudgetriedtoundoit.HebangedthegavelandtoldTeresashecouldn’tshoutstuffoutandinstructedthejurytodisregardit.Teresaapologized,butwhenhetoldhertosit—thiswasthepartElizabethwouldreplayagainandagain,lyinginbed—TeresasteppedovertheYoos,crossedtheaisle,walkedintotheemptyrow,andsatdirectlybehindElizabeth.Someinthejurygasped.TheyseemedtoregardElizabethlikealeper—notcontagious,maybe,butsomethingyoustayawayfromallthesame.
ElizabethturnedtolookatTeresa.Havingsomeonestandupforher,declareherselfonherside,sitbyherwithoutshame—thosewerethingsshe’dwrittenoff,thingsshe’dtoldherselfshedidn’tcareaboutnowthatnothingseemedworthlivingfor.Butithadhurt,thedoublediversshe’dspenthourswitheveryday,notbotheringtocomeseeheroraskforthemselvesifshedidit.Theautomaticassumptionofherguilt.
Butnow,herewasoneofthem,willingtobeafriend.Gratefulnessexpandedinsideherlikewaterinaballoon,threateningtoburstandgushoutintorrentsofthank-yousshecouldn’tvoice.ShegazedatTeresa,triedtoconveyhergratitudewithhereyes.
Justthen,sheglimpsedashockofsilverinthecrowd.Theleaderoftheprotesters,thewomanwiththesanctimonioususernameProudAutismMom.She’dexpectedShannontoexposethatwoman’sso-calledalibiasashamattrialandbringherdown,butthearsoncallchangedShannon’sfocustoPak,enablingthatwomantositcomfortably,spectatingthetrialasifshewereaninnocentbystander.Elizabethfeltbilewormupherthroat,thefamiliarpunchoffuryandhatredandblame.Ifitweren’tforthatwoman,hersonwouldbealiverightnow.He’dbenine,abouttostartfourthgrade.RuthWeiss,withhermenacingthreatsandattemptstodestroyElizabeth’slife,allofwhichshediscoveredduringthatfatefulcallwithKittshewishedtoGodshe’dneverhad.ThatcallhadsentElizabethreeling,strippingawayherrationalityandleadinghertothemomentshe’dregretforaslongasshelived.Theseriesofidiotic,incomprehensibleactsthathadcometodefineherlife—andHenry’s,too,asitturnedout.
ElizabethturnedbacktoTeresaandthoughtofhertrappedinthehorrorofthefirewhileshewasdrinkingwine,toastingtheendofHBOT,andmarvelingatthecigarettebetweenherfingers.ShewonderedwhatTeresawouldthinkifshekneweverythingaboutthatday,ifsheknewthatElizabeth—herhatredforRuthWeiss—wastoblameforHenry’sdeath.
SHANNONHATEDDETECTIVEPIERSON.“Whatacondescending,smugsonofabitch,”she’dsaidaftertheirfirstmeetingandagainafterhisdirecttestimony.“Ican’tstandthatsqueakyvoiceofhis.Iliterallyhavehives.”
Elizabeththoughtit’dbepainfultoseehim—themanwho’dledhertoHenry’scorpse,hersonasaninanimateobject.Butshedidn’trememberhim.Nothisface,notevenhishideouslyincongruousvoice.Shedidn’trememberanyofthethingshewassaying,andinsteadofpinpointinginaccuracieslikeShannonwanted,shetookitinlikeapassiveTVviewer.
WhenthejudgetoldShannontobeginhercross-examination,ShannonsaidtoElizabeth,“Yousitbackandenjoy;I’mgoingtoriphimapart.”Butwhenshestoodup,ShannonlookedatPiersonoutofthecornersofhereyes(coulditbe?WasShannonpretendingtobeseductive?)andsmiled,bothdimplesshowing.Shesaid,“Goodafternoon,Detective,”inanartificiallylowvoice(tryingtobesexyortoaccentuatehishighvoice,shecouldn’ttell),andwalkedtohiminsmallsteps,herhipsmovingbackandforthinwhatsheguessedwassupposedtobeasashay.
“Detective,”ShannoncontinuedinthegutturalvoicethatmadeElizabethwanttoclearherthroat,“let’stalkaboutyouabit.Asweheard,you’reanexpertincriminalinvestigation,withtwentyyearsofexperience,andtheleadinvestigatorhere.Infact,Iheardarumorthatyouteachaseminaronevidencegathering.”Sheturnedtothejurorsandsaid,likeaproudmotherbraggingaboutherson,“Arequiredclassforallincomingdetectives,apparently.”Sheturnedtohim.“Isthatright?”
“Um,yes.”Thiswasclearlynotwhathe’dexpected.
“Isittruetheseminar’scalledCriminalInvestigationforDummies?”Shannonsaidand—coulditbetrue?—giggled.Shannon,theserious,professional,slightlyoverweightlawyerwhoworeunfittedplaidsuitsandopaquepantyhose,gigglinglikeafour-year-old.
“That’snottheofficialname,butyes,that’swhatsomecallit.”
“AndIhearyoucreatedsuchagoodchart,that’sallyouusetoteachtheclass.Justonepage,isthatright?”
Piersonlookedbewildered.HelookedovertoAbelikeaschoolboyaskingafriendfortheanswer.Abeshruggedslightly.“Yes,Ihaveaone-pagecharttoteachtheseminar.”
“I’msureyoutriedtoensurethatthechartreflectsyourexperience,notjustthetextbookstuffbutyourreal-worldknowledgeaboutwhatevidenceisthemostreliable,mostrelevant.Isthatfair?”
“Yes.”
“Wonderful.”Shannonputaposterontheeasel.
“Detective,isthisyourchart?”Shannonasked.Thesweetnessinhervoiceseemedsaccharine,withatouchofmockerysprinkledin.
Simultaneously,Piersonsaid,“Howthehelldidyougetthis?”andAbesaid,“Objection.That’smisleading.Ms.HaugknowsverywellthatVirginialawdoesn’tdifferentiatedirectandcircumstantialevidence.”
Shannonsaid,“YourHonor,wecanfightaboutlegaltechnicalitieswhenwe’rehashingoutjuryinstructions.Rightnow,I’mquestioningtheleadinvestigatorabouthisinvestigationmethods.Thisdocumentisnotconfidential,andit’shisownwords,notmine.”
“Overruled,”thejudgesaid.
Abeopenedhismouthindisbelief.Heshookhisheadashetookhisseat.
“Detective,I’llaskagain,”Shannonsaid,hervoicebacktoherserioustonenow,thesaccharinelayerstrippedawaylikeabananapeel.“Thisisyourchart,theoneyouusetoinstructotherinvestigators,includingthoseonthiscase?”
DetectivePiersonglaredatShannonbeforemuttering,“Yes.”
“Sothischarttellsusthatinyourexperience,directevidenceisbetterandmorereliablethancircumstantialevidence.Correct?”
PiersonlookedatAbe,whofrownedandraisedhiseyebrowsasiftosay,Iknow,butwhatthehellcanIdoaboutthiscrazyjudge?“Yes,”Piersonsaid.
“What’sthedifferencebetweenthosetypesofevidence?Youusetherunnerexampleinyourseminar,correct?”
AjumbleofsurprisedaweandannoyancedistortedPierson’sface.Forsure,hewasworkingoutwho’dsquealed,imaginingwhathe’ddotothetraitor.Heshookhisheadasiftoclearhisthoughtsandsaid,“Directevidenceofapersonrunningissomeoneseeinghimactuallyrunning.Circumstantialevidenceissomeoneseeinghiminarunningsuitandshoesnearatrack,hisfaceredandsweaty.”
“Sothecircumstantialevidencecouldbewrong.Thesweatypersoncould’vebeenplanningtorunlater,andcould’vesimplybeeninahotcar,forexample.Correct?”
“Yes.”
“Let’sturntoourcase.Theall-importantdirectevidencefirst,peryourexpertinstruction.Thefirsttypeofdirectevidenceyoulistis‘eyewitness.’DidanyonewitnessElizabethsettingafire?”
“No.”
“Anyonewitnesshersmokingorlightingamatchnearthebarn?”
“No.”
Shannontookafatmarkerandcrossedoutthefirstbullet-pointitemunderDIRECTEVIDENCE,Eyewitness.“Next,anyrecordingsorpicturesofElizabethsettingthefire?”
“No.”ShecrossedoutAudio/videorecordingsofcommissionofcrimeandPhotosofsuspectcommittingcrime
“Next,wehave‘Documentationofcrimebysuspect,witness,oraccomplice.’Anything?”
“No.”Anotherslash.
“Sothatleavesuswithyour‘holygrail’—aconfession.Elizabethhasneverconfessedtosettingthefire,correct?”
Hislipsclenchedintoapinkline.“Correct.”Slash.
“Sothere’snodirectproofthatElizabethcommittedacrimehere,noneofwhatyouregardasthe,quote,‘better,reliable’typeofevidenceagainsther,correct?”
Piersontookinasharpbreath,hisnostrilsflaringlikeahorse.“Yes,but—”
“Thankyou,Detective.Nodirectevidenceatall.”ShannonslashedathicklinethroughthewordsDIRECTEVIDENCEonthechart.
Shannonsteppedbackandsmiled.Itwasanunbridledsmile,thetriumphofwinningreflectedineveryfacetofherface—eyes,cheeks,lips,jaws,evenherearsupturned.Itwasfunnyhowinvestedshewaseventhoughthetrial’soutcomewouldn’taffectherlife,notreally.Winorlose,she’dstillhavethesamebillableearnings,samehouse,samefamily,whereasforElizabeth,thetrial’soutcomemeantthedifferencebetweensuburbiaanddeathrow.SowhywasshefeelingnoneofShannon’sexcitement?
Shannoncontinued.“Sowe’releftwithcircumstantialevidence,which,inyourownwords,isquote,‘notasreliable.’Thefirstoftheseisthe‘smokinggun,’orthesmokingcigarette,asthecasemaybehere.”Severaljurorschuckled.“DidyoufindElizabeth’sDNA,fingerprints,oranyotherforensicevidenceonthecigaretteormatchattheexplosionsite?”
“Thefirecausedtoomuchdamageforustoretrievesuchidentifyinginformation,”Piersonsaid.
“Thatwouldbeano,Detective?”
Hislipstightened.“Correct.”
ShannoncrossedoutSmokinggununderCIRCUMSTANTIALEVIDENCE“Next,let’sskipdownto‘Opportunitytocommitcrime.’Thefirewassetoutside,behindthebarn,correct?”
“Yes.”
“Anyonecould’vewalkedrightupthereandsetthefire,right?There’snolockorfence?”
“Sure,butwe’renottalkingtheoreticalopportunity.We’relookingforarealisticopportunitytocommitthecrime,someoneinthevicinityandwithnoalibi,likethedefendant.”
“Vicinityandnoalibi.Isee.Well,howaboutPakYoo?Hewasinthevicinity.Infact,hewasmuchcloserthanElizabeth,isn’tthatso?”
“Yes,buthehasanalibi.Hewasinsidethebarn,asverifiedbyhiswife,daughter,andpatients.”
“Ah,yes,thealibi.Detective,youareawarethataneighborhascomeforwardtosaythatPakYoowasoutsidethebarnbeforetheexplosion?”
“Iam,”Piersonsaid,soundingconfident,smilingthedelicioussmileofsomeonewhoknowssomethingnooneelseknows.“Andareyouaware,Ms.Haug,thatMaryYoohassinceclarifiedthatshewasoutsidethatnight,andthattheneighbor,uponhearingthis,admittedthatthepersonhesawfromadistancecouldwellhavebeenMary?”Piersonshookhisheadandchuckled.“Apparently,Marywaswearingabaseballcapwithherhairbunchedup,sohethoughtshewasaman.Aninnocentmistake.”
Shannonsaid,“Objection.Pleaseordertheresponsestricken—”
Abestood.“Ms.Haugopenedthedoor,YourHonor.”
“Overruled,”thejudgesaid.
Shannonturnedherbacktothejuryandlookeddown,asifreadinghernotes,butElizabethcouldseehereyesscrunchedshut,deepfrownlinesdividingherbrows.Afteramoment,hereyespoppedopen.“Solet’sgetthisstraight.”SheturnedtoPierson.“TheYoosareallinside,thenYoungYooleavestogetbatteries,thenMaryYoogoesoutsidewhereherneighborseesher.Right?”
Piersonblinkedrepeatedly,rapidly,likeoneofthosefuturisticandroidsprocessinginformation.“That’smyunderstanding,”hesaid,hisvoicetentative.
“WhichmeansPakYoowasaloneinthebarnbeforetheexplosion—inthevicinityandhadnoalibi,meetingyourcriteriafor‘opportunitytocommitcrime,’isn’tthatright?”
Hestoppedblinking.Heseemedtobeholdinghisbreath;therewasnomovementinhisfaceorbody.Afteramoment,heswallowed,hisAdam’sapplebobbingup.“Yes.”
AgrinovertookShannon’sface,andshewroteP.YOOinredlettersnexttoOpportunitytocommitcrime.“Next,motive.Tellme,Detective:What’sthemosttypicalmotiveforarsonyousee?”
“Thisisn’tatypicalarsoncase,”hesaid.
“Detective,Ididn’taskifthiswasatypicalarsoncase.Pleaseanswermyquestion:What’sthemosttypicalmotiveforarsonthatyou’veseen?”
Heclampedhislips,likeaboyrefusingtoanswerhismother,thenspatout,“Money.Insurancefraud.”
“Here,PakYoostoodtogain1.3milliondollarsfromfireinsurance,correct?”
Heshrugged.“Maybe,soundsright.Butagain,thisisn’tatypicalcase.Inmostinsurance-fraudcases,firesaresetwhenthebuildingisunoccupied,andnoone’sinjured.”
“Really?That’sfunny,becauseIhavehereyournotesfromyourmostrecentarsoncase”—Shannonlookedatadocumentinherhand—“let’ssee,inWinchesterlastNovember.Youwrote,‘Perpetratorsetfireandremainedinside,believinginsurermightsuspectfraudifbuildingempty.Perpetratorbelievedifhewasinjured,insurermorelikelytobelieveitwasaccidentalandpayout.’”ShehandedthedocumenttoPierson.“Thisisyourreport,correct?”
Piersonclampedhisjawsandnarrowedhiseyes,barelylookingdownatthepaper,beforesaying,“Correct.”
“So,basedonyourexperience,wouldyousaythata1.3-million-dollarpolicycanprovidemotiveforanownersuchasPakYootosetfiretohisownbuilding,evenwhenthebuildingisoccupied?”
DetectivePiersonlookedatPak,lookedaway,thenfinallysaid,“Yes.”
ShannonwroteP.YOOinbigredlettersnexttoMotivetocommitcrime.Shepointedtothenextbulletpoint.“Detective,for‘Specialknowledgeandinterest,’youhave‘bombexpertiseorresearchexample’inparentheses.Whatdoesthatmean?”
“It’sforspecializedcrimes.Forinstance,inabombing,ifthesuspectknewhowtomakethatparticulartypeofbomborresearchedit,I’dconsiderthatstrongevidence.Muchliketheevidencefoundonthedefendant’scomputerhere.”
“Detective,isn’tittruethatPakYoohadspecializedknowledgeofHBOTfires?That,infact,he’dstudiedpreviousfiresjustliketheonehere?”
“Idon’tknowwhatheknows.You’dhavetoaskhimthat.”
“Actually,Idon’t,becauseyourassistantsdiditforme.”Shannonheldupanotherdocument.“Anofficememotoyou,recommendingthatPakYoobeclearedofcriminalnegligenceinthefire.”Shehandedittohim.“Pleasereadthehighlightedpart.”
Heclearedhisthroatandread,“‘PakYoowaswellawareoftherisksoffire.Hestudiedpreviousfires,includingthecaseinwhichfirestartedunderoxygentubesoutsidethechamber.’”
“So,letmeaskagain,isn’tittruethatPakYoohadspecializedknowledgeandinterestinhyperbaricfiressimilartowhathappenedhere?”
“Yes,but—”
“Thankyou,Detective.”ShannonwroteP.YOOnexttoSpecialknowledgeandinterestandsteppedback.“SoherewehavePakYoo,MiracleSubmarine’sowner,whohadthemotive,opportunity,andspecialknowledgetocommitthecrime.Let’stalkaboutthelastremainingitemonyourchart:ownershipoftheweapon.Now,you’reassumingthattheweaponhere—thecigaretteandmatchesusedtosetthefire—belongedtoElizabeth,correct?”
“I’mnotassumingit,Ms.Haug.Thefactsare,aCamelcigaretteand7-Elevenmatchesstartedthefire,andthedefendantwasashortdistanceawaywithCamelcigarettesand7-Elevenmatches.”
“Butshetoldyoutheyweren’thers,thatshefoundtheminthewoods.Someoneverywellcould’veusedthemtosetthefire,thenthrownthemawaytogetridoftheevidence.DidyoueveninvestigatethepossibilitythatsomeoneotherthanElizabethboughtthoseitems?”
“Yes,weinvestigatedit.Myteamwenttoevery7-ElevennearMiracleCreekandinthedefendant’sneighborhoodandsearchedforreceiptsandthelike.”
“Well,that’sarelief.Soyoumust’veaskedthosestores’clerksiftheyrecognizedanyoftheothers,includingPakYoo,whoweknowhadthemotive,opportunity,andspecializedknowledgetosetthisfire.”ShannonpointedtothethreebrightredP.YOOs.
PiersonglaredatShannon.Hekepthismouthclenchedshut.
“Detective,didyouaskasingle7-ElevenclerkifPakYooeverboughtCamels?”
“No.”Thewordhadatouchofdefianceinit.
“Didyoucheckhiscreditcardbillsfor7-Elevencharges?”
“No.”
“Gothroughhistrashfor7-Elevenreceipts?”
“No.”
“Isee.Sotheextensivesearchyoudid,youdidonlyformyclient.Well,let’shearit.Howmany7-ElevenstoreclerksrecognizedElizabeth?”
“None.”
“None?Well,howaboutreceipts?Youmusthavegonethroughhertrash,car,purse,pockets,lookingfor7-Elevenreceipts,correct?”
“Yes.Andno,wedidn’tfindanything.”
“Elizabeth’screditcardstatements?”
“No.Butthefingerprintsconclusively—”
“Ah,thefingerprints.Let’stalkaboutthem.Youdon’tbelievethatElizabethfoundthecigarettesandmatches.Accordingtoyou,theywerehers,despitethefactthatthere’szeroevidencesheboughtthem.Andthat’swhynootherprintswereonthem—becauseshe’stheonlyonewhotouchedthem,correct?”
“Exactly.”
“Detective,thisisthepartthatconfusesme.Ifthecigarettesandmatcheswerehers,shemust’veboughtthemsomewhere.Soshouldn’tthestoreclerk’sfingerprintsbeonthem?”
“Notifsheboughtacartonofcigarettes.”
“Acarton,tenpacks.Twohundredcigarettes.DidyoufindanopencartonofCamelsoranyothercigarettesanywhereinherhouseortrash?”
“No.”
“Inherpurse?”
“No.”
“Hercar?”
“No.”
“Anycigarettebuttsinhercarorintrashbinsinherhouse?Anythingindicatingthatshesmokedregularlysuchthatshe’dbuyawholecartonofcigarettes?”
Piersonblinkedafewtimes.“No.”
“Andthematches,evenwhensomeonebuysawholecarton,theystillhandyouindividualmatchbooks,right?”
“Yes,butovertime,withalotofhandling,thedefendant’sfingerprintswoulddisplacetheclerk’s,onboththematchesandthecigarettepack.Soitdoesn’tsurprisemethattheclerk’sprintswouldn’tbeonthoseitems.”
“Detective,onanitemusedfrequentlyenoughtodisplaceolderfingerprints,you’dexpecttofindmultipleoverlappingfingerprintsoftheowner,correct?”
“Isuppose.”
Shannonwalkedtohertable,flippedthroughafile,andpickedoutadocument,atriumphantsmileonherface.Shestruttedbackandhandedittohim.“Telluswhatthisis.”
“It’sthefingerprintanalysisoftheitemsfoundinthepicnicarea.”
“Pleasereadforusthehighlightedpassages.”
Ashescannedthedocument,hisfacestartedtodrooplikeawaxfigurineonahotday.“Matchbook,exterior:onefullandfourpartialfingerprintmarks.Cigarettes,exterior:fourfullandsixpartialprintmarks.Ten-pointanalysisidentification:ElizabethWard.”
“Detective,inyouroffice,isitcustomarypracticetoreportthepresenceofoverlappingfingerprintsifthereare,infact,any?”
“Yes.”
“Howmanyoverlappingfingerprintmarksdidyourofficefindoneitheritem?”
Hisnostrilsflared.Heswallowedandstretchedhislipsasifpretendingtosmile.“None.”
“Onlyfiveprintsonthematchesandtenonthecigarettes,allbelongingtoElizabeth,nooverlappingprints,andnotasmudgefromanyoneelse.Prettyclean,wouldn’tyousay?”
Helookedtotheside.Afteramoment,helickedhislipsandsaid,“Isupposeso.”
“Andsinceatleastoneotherperson,astoreclerk,must’vehandledtheseitems,thelackofotherprintsmustmeanthey’vebeenwipedoffatsomepoint,isn’tthatright?”
“Isuppose,but—”
“Andanynumberofpeople,includingPakYoo,could’vehandledtheitemspriortothembeingwipedoff,andthere’snowaytoknow,isn’tthatright?”
“No,there’snowaytoknow,”hesaid,narrowinghiseyesintoslits.AsShannonwroteAnynumberofpeople(incl.P.YOO)onthechartnexttoSuspectownership/possession,hesaid,“Don’tforget,though,it’sthedefendantwhowipedthemoffinthefirstplace.”
“Why,Detective,”Shannonsaid,hereyeswidening,“Ithoughtyoudidn’tbelieveshewipedthem.I’mgladyoufinallychangedyourmind.”Shesmiled—no,beamed—athimlikeamotherproudofhertoddlerforfinallylearningtocolorinsidethelines,andsteppedbacktorevealthefinishedchart.
“Thankyouforyourilluminatingtestimony,Detective,”Shannonsaid.“Ihavenothingfurther.”
MATT
HEDROVETOTHE7-ELEVENthinkingaboutfingerprints—thearches,loops,andwhorlsbifurcatedbylinesandwrinkles,sweatandoilsoakedinthecurvedgroovesleavingnear-invisibletracesoncups,spoons,flushhandles,andsteeringwheels,smudgingandcoveringupotherprintsleftsecondsordaysoryearsbefore,theprintsofeachpersondifferent,eachfingerofeachpersondifferent,thedizzyinglyhighnumber—billions?trillions?—ofuniquefingerprintsinexistence,eachoneunchangingevenasapersongrowsfromasix-monthfetustoafull-sizedadultandthenshrinksbackintooldage.
He’dhadten,likeeveryoneelse.Thesametenpatternsforthirty-threeyears,fromthetimehe’dbeenthesizeofafoot-longsubinhismother’swombandhisfingerpadswerethesizeofpeas.Andnowtheywereallgone.Burnedandslicedaway.HisrightindexandmiddlefingersamputatedundertheOR’sbrightlights,thendiscarded,printsandall,themedicalwasteincineratorfinishingtheflesh-to-dustjobthefirestarted.Andthepadsofhiseightremainingfingersmeltedintoridgeless,glossypinkscars.Almostasiftheslick-smoothplasticofHenry’shelmetwerestillclingingtohisfingers,refusingtoletgo.
Asfarashecouldremember,he’dneverbeenfingerprinted,unlessyoucountedthekindergartenThanksgivingprojectwithhishandprintdecoratedlikeaturkey.Whichmeanttherewasnorecordofhisfingerprints.Gone,withnowaytoknowwhichofthegazillionsoflatentprintsonwalls,doorknobs,andX-rayfilmsintheworldbelongedtohim.
Rightaftertheamputation,whenhe’dbeenglumwithself-pity,hisfavoriteburn-wardnursehadsaid,“Lookonthebrightside.Somepeopleactuallywanttheirfingerprintstakenoff.”“Yeah,mobstersanddruglords,”hesaid,andshelaughedandsaid,“I’mjustsaying,youmanagedtodowhatsomepeopledreamof,andyougotinsurancetopayforit!”Helaughedwithher—notoutloud,moreofasmile,really,butstill,thefirsttimehe’ddoneanythingbutgrimacesincetheamputation—andsaid,“Yup,nowIneverhavetoworryaboutsomecopusingmyprintstotiemetosomemurdersomewhere.”
Mattthoughtaboutthisoften.Thetransformationofhisstatement—therandomjokehe’dcrackedforatirednurse’sbenefit—fromidiotictodownrightprescientaweeklater,whenDetectivePiersonsaidtheyfoundoutacigarettestartedthefireandwerecombingthewoodsfordiscardedbuttsandpacks.Mattthoughtofthehollowtreestumpbythecreekhe’dusedfortrashandpanicked—notthathethoughtforasecondhe’dbeimplicatedinthefire,butstill,there’dbehelltopaywithJanine,nottomentionpublichumiliation,ifthewholebusinesswithMarycameout—butwhenPiersonsaidnottoworry,they’dfindtheculprit,fingerprintsneverlied,Mattrememberedhisjokeandhadtocoughtocoverhisrelief.Therecouldbealab-readysetofhisprintsoneverycigaretteinthewoods,andnoonewouldknow.Noproblem.
But7-Eleven:thatcouldbeaproblem,onehehadn’tseencoming.Thismorningincourtwasthefirsthe’dheardthatboththefire-startingandElizabeth-picniccigaretteswereCamelsfrom7-Eleven—thesamebrandandstoreMattusedalllastsummer.Ithadn’toccurredtohimbefore,butwasitpossiblethatthosewerehis?Hadhedroppedthemsomewhere,andhadElizabethorPakorGodknowswhoelsefoundandusedthemtosetthefire,renderingMatttheunwittingproviderofthemurderweapon?Andnow,afterthewayShannonhadbadgeredPiersonabouthislame-ass“investigation,”wouldn’tthecopsgotoevery7-ElevenintheareaflashingpicturesofPakand,forgoodmeasure,theothers,maybeevenMatt?
Andthenote—whatdiditmeanthatElizabethclaimedshe’dfoundwhatwasundoubtedlyhisnotenexttothecigarettes?He’dwrittenThisneedstoend.Weneedtomeet,8:15tonight.BythecreekonH-MartpaperandleftitforMaryonherwindshieldthemorningoftheexplosion.MaryhadaddedYes,thenleftitonhiswindshield.Mattgotitafterthemorningdive,andhe’dcrumpleditupandputitinhispocket,buthadhedroppeditanditblewawayand,inahugecoincidence,endedupnearthecigarettes?
Mattturnedintothe7-Eleven,parkedfarfromtheentrance,andlookedatitsimageintherearviewmirror.Thestorehadn’tchangedsincehislasttimehere,almostayearago.Anauraofneglectpermeatedthisplace—the7-Elevensignstillcrackedandlistingtoonesideasiffromoldage,thehandicapped-parkingsignmissingfromtherustedpole,thewhiteparking-spacelinesfadedintoghostlydashesanddots.AcrossthestreetstoodagleamingExxon,bustlingwithcarsandtrucksinline,peopleinandout,thedoorflappingopenandshutinconstantmotion.Thedayhefirstboughtcigaretteslastsummer,he’dalmostgonethere.He’dgottenintheleft-turnlanefortheExxonbehindtwosemiswaitingtoturn,andafterafewminutes,Mattgaveupandwenttothe7-Elevendowntheroad.Alittlerun-down,sure,butatleastit’dbequick.
Now,sittingheresquinting,tryingtomakeoutthecashierthroughthegrimyglass,itoccurredtoMatt:Whatifhe’dbeenpatientforthirtymoresecondsforthetruckstoturn,thengonetotheExxon?Forsure,hewouldn’tbeworriedabouttheclerkidentifyinghimnow;theclerksacrossthestreetwerebusy,hadtobe,wouldn’trememberhimfromAdam.Notlikethe7-Elevenclerk,theSantalook-alikewho’dteasedMattforworryingabouthishackingcoughwhilebuyingcigarettesofallthings,whostartedcallinghim“theSmokingDoc.”Hell,hewouldn’thavegottencigarettesinthefirstplaceifhe’djuststucktoExxon.He’donlywantedaquickbite—adoughnutandcoffee,maybe,oracorndogandCoke.SomecombinationfromJanine’sbad-for-fertilitybanned-foodslist.Itwasn’tuntilhepassedthesmokersoutside7-Eleventhathedecidedthatcigarettes—probablyevenworseforspermmotilitythanjunkfood—wereexactlywhatheneeded.Ifnotforthat,hewouldn’thavehikedtothecreektosmoke,wouldn’thaverunintoMary,boughtanotherpackandthenextandGodknowshowmanymore,oneofwhichmayhaveendedupinamurderer’shands.Coulditbethatbyturningrightratherthanleftonedayayearago—animpulse,nomorea“decision”thanpickingwhichtietowear—he’dchangedeverything?Ifhe’dturnedleft,wouldHenrystillbealive,headintact,andMattathomerightnow,handsunmangled,takingpicturesofasleepingnewborninsteadofatthisdecrepitlot,spyingtofigureoutifthemanwhocouldtiehimtoamurderweaponstillworkedhere?
Mattshookhisheadtoevictthesethoughts.Heneededtostopthismentalmasochism,theaskingofunanswerableif-onlyquestionsthathurthisbrain,andfocusonhistask.Ittookfiveminutes:onetoseethatthecashierwasagirl,andfourtocallfromthepayphoneoutsideandtellthegirlcashierhewaslookingforanemployee,anolderguywithwhitehair.Thesecondshesaidno,noguylikethatworkedthere,hadn’tforthetenmonthsshe’dbeenthere,Matthungupandbreathedindeeply.Heexpectedrelieffromthemuckofdreadhe’dfeltallday—forthepressuresqueezinghislungstolift,fortheactofbreathingtorefreshratherthanexhausthim.Butnoneofthathappened;ifanything,hisuneaseintensified,asifhisworryaboutthe7-Elevenclerkhadbeencoveringupsomethingelse,likeabandage,andnowthatitwasrippedaway,hewashavingtofacethebiggerworry,therealworry,thethinghe’dbeendreadingeversincehewhispered,“6:30,sameplace,tonight,”passingbyherinthecourthouse:hismeetingwithMary.
MATT’SFIRSTMEETINGwithMarylastsummerhadbeenonOvulationDay,a.k.a.AsMuchSexasPossibleDay.AnothermanifestationofJanine’shyper-anal-retentivity,which(likesnoring,burningfood,andthemolebelowherbutt)he’dfoundcharmingatfirstbutirritatingashellnow.Howhadthathappened?Hecouldn’tremembermakingtheswitch;wasitlikefallingoffacliff,andoneday,he’dstilllovedthesequirksandthenext,hewokeuphatingthem?Ordidthecharmwearoffbitbybit,likeanewcar’sscent,declininglinearlywitheachhourofthemarriage’saginguntilhe’dcrossedthelinewithoutevernoticing?Onehour,thetiniestbitlikable,neutralthenext,thetiniestbitannoyingthefollowing,andintenyears,it’dsinktothelevelofrepulsive,andinthirty,I’ll-take-an-ax-to-your-head-if-you-don’t-shut-the-fuck-updetestable?
Itwashardtobelievenow,butJanine’sall-encompassingfocusonfuturegoalswasoneofthereasonshefellforherwhentheyfirstmet.Notthatitwasunusual.Prettymucheverymed-schoolstudenthadapatheticneedtoachieve,whichpeakedevenhigherintowarp-drivelevelsamongtheAsiansheknew.WhatwasunusualaboutJaninewaswhy.UnlikehisAsian-Americanfriendswhotoldsobstoriesabouttheirparentsforcingthemtostudy24/7andharpingaboutIvyLeagueschools,Janine’sachievementorientationwasbornoutofrebellion,becauseherparentshadn’tpushedher.She’dtoldhimontheirfirstdatehowshe’dlovedherfreedom,relativetoheryoungerbrother—herparentsforcinghim(butnother)togotoschoolevenwhenhewassick,forexample,orpunishinghim(butnother)forgettingA-minuses—untilsherealized:theyexpectedmorebecausehewasaboy,theirall-importantfirstbornmale.Shebecamedeterminedtoachievewhattheyexpectedfromhim(gotoHarvard,becomeadoctor)justtospitethem.
Itwasaninterestingstory,forsure,butwhatdrewMattinwasthewayJaninetoldit.She’drailedagainsttheblatant,unapologeticsexisminherentinKoreancultureandconfidedthatbecauseofit,sometimesshehatedKoreans,hatedbeingKorean,andthenshe’dlaughedathowironicitwasthatbytryingtoescapeAsiangenderstereotyping,she’dfallenintowhiteAmerica’sracialstereotypingandbecomeacliché:theoverachievingAsiangeek.Shewasfierceandfunny,butalsovulnerable,alittlelostandsad,anditmadehimwanttohailandprotecthersimultaneously.Hewantedtojoininhercrusadetoproveherparentswrong,especiallyafterhermothersaidtohimattheirfirstmeeting,“WeprefershemarryaKoreanman.Butatleastyouareadoctor.”(Andyes,itoccurredtohimthatdatinghimmightbepartofJanine’srebellion(butno,hedidn’tletthatbotherhim(toomuch.)))
Whichwaswhy,allthroughoutschool,MattsupportedJanine’stotalfocusongradesandfellowships,thewaysheseteachgoalandcheckeditoffwithmethodicalease.Itwasimpressivetowatch.Sexy,even.Sure,itrequiredsacrificesinthepresent—canceleddinners,nomovies—buthehadn’tminded.Itwasn’tasifhe’dexpectedanydifferentfrommedschool;afterall,whatwasgradschoolbuttheinstitutionalizationofafuture-orientedmind-set?Forthepresent,pullall-nighters,eatshittyfood,andgointodebt,butit’llallbeworthitwhenyouarrive—whenyougraduate,getajob,andstartlivingforreal.Thethingwas,though,therewasnoarrivingwithJanine.Onlydelaying.Anygoalreachedmeantsettinganewone,bigger,harder.Mattthoughtshe’dstopanddeclarevictorywhenherbrotherdroppedoutofcollegetobecomeanactor,butmaybetheendlessgoal-settinghadbecomesomuchahabitbythenthatshecouldn’tstop.Shekeptatit,butstrippedofthatpreviousfreshnessofrebellion,everythingshedidseemedfutile,likeSisyphusrollingaboulderupahilleveryday,exceptinsteadoftheboulderrollingbackdowneverynightlikeinthemyth,thehillgottwiceastalleverynight.
Sexwastheonethingintheirlifeimmunefromthisfutureorientation.Eventhedecisiontostarttryingforkids,unlikeeveryothermaritaldecision—fromhertakinghisname(no)totypeoflightbulb(LED)—hadn’tbeentheproductofhoursofdiscussion.Justamomentofspontaneityduringforeplayonenightwhenhereachedforacondomandshesaid,“Doweneedthat?”androlledontop,positioninghervulvajustabovethetipofhispenis.Asheshookhisheadno,sheloweredherpelvisslowly,thedeliciousnoveltyofherimpulsivity,herbeinginthemoment,intertwiningwiththeexquisitenessofherslipperywarmthdirectlyonhisskin,engulfinghimmillimeterbymillimeter.Thenextmorning,thenextnight,andfortherestofthemonth,theycontinuedwiththecondomlesssex.Neitherofthemmentionedcyclesorbabies.
WhenJanine’speriodcame,therewasnoannouncement,justanoh-by-the-waymention.Butitwastoocasual,intentionallyso,withatingeofanxiety.Thenextmonth,herdeliverywasanxiouswithatingeofdesperation,andthefollowing,desperatewithatingeofhysteria.Booksonhowtoconceiveappearedontheirnightstand.
WhenJanineannouncedOvulationWeek—she’dtrackhercycle,andaroundherovulation,they’dhaveasmuchsexaspossible—Mattrealized:hergoal-setting,theexhaustingtetheringofeveryacttofuturemilestones,hadnowinfectedsex.She’dsaidnothingaboutnothavingsextheotherthreeweeks,butthatwashowitplayedout.Andjustlikethat,sexbecamesomethingtheydidfornoreasonexceptconception.Clinicalandschedule-based.Somewherearoundthespermviabilityandmotilitytests,OvulationWeekbecameOvulationDay,atwenty-four-hourperiodforhavingsexasmanytimesaspossible,followedbytwenty-sevendaysof“restingup.”
Andthencamethespecial-needskidsfromHBOT—notonlyRosa,TJ,andHenry,butalsothekidshesometimesranintofromtheothersessions—andevenmoreupsetting,themothers’storieshewasforcedtohearfortwohourseveryday.Asaradiologist,hesawsickandhurtkidsallthetime,butwitnessingtheday-to-daychallengesofactuallyraisingthesekids—itscaredtheshitoutofhim,anditwashardnottothinkthatbetweenhisinfertilityandtheHBOTpatients,somehigherpowermustbetellinghim(no,screamingathim)tostop,oratleastwaitandthinkthingsthroughfirst.
AboutaweekintoHBOT,afteramorningdivewhenKitttoldthemaboutTJ’snew“behavior,”fecalsmearing(“Fecal,asinshit?”he’dsaid,andshe’dsaid,“Yup,andsmearing,asinrubbingalloverwalls,curtains,books,everything!”),MattgotavoicemailfromJaninethataccordingtoherurinetest,todaywasOvulationDayandcouldhecomehomeimmediately?Heignoredit,wenttothehospital,andturnedoffhisphone;ignoredherincreasinglyfrequentpages.Hethoughthe’dgottenawaywithitwhenhismother-in-lawbargedintohisoffice.“Janinewantyouhomerightnow.Shesayitisdayfor…whatistheword?”shesaid.Matthurriedtoclosethedoorbeforeshecouldsay“ovulation,”butbeforehecould,shesaidinaclear,loudvoice,“Orgasm.Itisdayfororgasm.”
WhenMattgothome,Janinewasalreadynaked,inbed—probablyhadbeensincehervoicemailsixhoursago.Hestartedtosaysorry,hisphonehaddied,butshesaid,“Whatever.Justgetoverhere.We’rerunningoutoftime.Hurry!”
Heundressed,unbuttoninghisshirtandunbucklinghisbeltmethodically,slowly.Hegotinbed,puthislipstohers,andtriedtofocusonhernipples,onherfingerstouchinghispenis,butnothinghappened.“Comeon,”shesaid,andpumpedhispenis,alittletoohard.Hesawtheovulationstickonatissueonthenightstand,justsittingthere—itseemedtobesilentlycommandinghim,Getonwithit!Fuckyourwiferightnow!—andhehadtolaughattheabsurdity,atthewaythis99-centpinkstickfromCVShadcometocontrolandhijackwhatremainedofhissexlife.
“Whatisgoingonwithyou?”Janinesaid.
Mattlayback.Whatcouldhesay?“I’msorry,honey,butdiscussingorgasmswithyourmotherhasputmeabitoutofthemood,andbesides,IthinkGoddoesn’twantustohavekids,andalso,haveyouheardof‘fecalsmearing’?”Hesaid,“Maybeit’sHBOT.Ihaven’tbeensleeping.Let’sskipthismonth.”
Shedidn’tsayanything.Theylaytheresidebyside,theirbodiesclosebutnottouching,naked,lookingattheceiling.Afteraminute,shesatup.“You’reright—let’sforgetit.Youneedabreak,”shesaid,andmoveddown.Shestoppedathispenis—theflacciddoughoffleshretreatingintofoldsofskin—andtookhiminhermouth.Thethoughtthatthiswasnotgearedtowardachild,towardthefuture,zappedsomething,switchedonsomepreviouslydormantneuron.Heheldherhead,notwantinghertotakehimoutofthewarmcavityofhermouthandthroat.Hecameinhermouth.
Afterward,he’dwonderhowthehellhedidn’tseeitcoming,howhecould’vedeludedhimselfintothinkingshecouldsoeasilygiveupontheday—thewholemonth!Butinthedrowsysweetnessofthepost-orgasmfog,itdidn’toccurtohimtowonderwhyJaninesprangupandpositivelyboundedtothebathroom.Hejustlaytherelikeanidiot,warmandhappy,halfwonderingbutnotreallycaringwhatinGod’snameshecouldbedoing,makingsucharacket—cabinetdoorssqueaking,plasticripping,liquidpouringandshaking,andfinally,spitting.WhenJanineslippedintobed,Mattrolledtowardher,readytodrapehisarmacrossandpullherclose.
“Ineedhelphere.Willyougetthosepillowsandputthemundermybutt?”Janinespreadherlegswideopenandraisedherhips.Sheheldaneedle-freesyringeinherhand.Inside,mucousglobuleslaysuspendedinclearliquid.Ofcourse—hissperm.Theturkey-bastermethod,whichshe’dmadefunof(“I’mtellingyou,somewomenactuallyuserealturkeybasters.Seriously!”).Sheinsertedthesyringeintohervagina,raisedherhips,andslowlypushedtheliquidintoherbody.“Ireallyneedthepillowsnow.”
Mattplacedthepillowsagainstherthighswhere,justmomentsbefore,he’dthoughthistonguewouldbeaboutnow.Ashegotupandslowlyputhisclothesbackon,hethoughthowJaninehadmanagedtofuturizeanorgasmfromoralsex,themostpresent-basedthingMattcouldthinkof,howshe’drepurposedthisactofpurepleasure(“Youneedabreak,”she’dsaid!)intoanactofcontrivedconception.
Mattleftearlyfortheeveningdive,mutteringabouttraffic.Asheclosedtheirbedroomdoor,hecaughtaglimpseofJanine,lyingnakedwithherlegsstraightupintheair,likesomesoft-pornversionofaCirqueduSoleilad.Fortherestoftheafternoon—drivingtoMiracleCreek,stoppingat7-Eleven,buyingcigarettes(Camels,onsale),walkingtothecreek,throughoutitall—hethoughtofhissperm,slidingdownJanine’svaginalwalltowardhercervix,pulledintoheruterusnotbytheforceoftheirownmotilitybutbygravity.Andashelitthecigaretteandbreathedin,heimaginedhissperm,theirwhipliketailspropellingthemtowardtheegg,buttooslowly,tooweakly,topenetrateitsshell.
MattwasonhisthirdcigarettewhenMarycameup.They’dmetonlyonce,atthedinneratMatt’sin-laws,butsheploppeddownnexttohim,noneoftheawkwardoh-hello-what-are-you-doing-heresofnearstrangers.Justa“Hey,”saidwiththecasualfamiliarityofkidsmeetingupafterschool.
“Hey,”hesaid,andeyedthetomeinherhand.“SATwords.Wantmetoquizyou?”
Later,wheneverhepuzzledoverwhatonGod’sgreenearthcould’vemadehimsofuckingstupidastostartthis—whatwasit?—whateverthisthingwaswithMary,italwayscamebacktothis:thewaysheflungawaythatBarron’slikeaFrisbee,whilegivinghimthatlook—adartoftheeyes,almostaneye-rollbutnotquite,combinedwithaheadshakeandfrownofdisgust.ItwasJanine’slook,herpatentedno-fucking-way-we’re-even-discussing-thislookfirstseeninschoolwhenhesuggestedtakingastudybreakforamovie,andlastseenjusttodaywhenhesaidthatmaybe,justathought,notsayingthey’regivinguporanything,butmaybetheyshouldgetonsomeadoptionwaitinglists.SomethingaboutMarylookinglikeayoungJaninewhilecastingawayherstudies—itmadehimremembertheirfirstdate,Janinesayinghowtherealherdidn’tcareaboutschool,howshesometimeswantedtodumphertextbooksoutherdormwindow.
“Camels.Myfavorite.Youmind?”Maryhelduphiscigarettes.
Mattopenedhismouthtosayyes,ofcourseImind,you’reakidandIwon’tsupplyaminor,butthatstrangedéjà-vu-likesensationofbeingwiththecarefree,“real”Janine,hisdesperatelongingforthepre-real-life,pre-infertilityher—thoseformedadaminhisthroat,stoppingthewords.Marytookhisnonresponseaspermissionandtookone.
Shelitandhelditbetweenherfingers,lookingatitlovingly,almostreverently(thelook—yes,heknewshewasateenagerandhetriednottothinkitbutnotthinkingitmadehimthinkitthatmuchmore—heimaginedJaninegivinghispenisbeforeslidingitinhermouth)beforeplacingitbetweenherlips.Shesuckedin(hewasactivelynotthinkingit),blewoutthroughtheOofherlips,andlayback,herlongblackhairfanningoutoverthegravel.ThisremindedhimofJanine,too,thewayJanine’shair—alsolongandblack,anintenseblackthatlookedalmostblue—fannedoutoverherpillow.
Mattlookedaway.“Youshouldn’tsmoke.Howoldareyou,anyway?”hesaid.
“Seventeensoon.”Marytookanotherpuff.“Howoldareyou?What,likethirty?”
“Youdothisalot?Smoking?”
Sheshruggedasiftosay,Nobigdeal.“Istashedawaysomeofmydad’scigarettes.TonsofCamels.I’llbringsomenexttime.”
“Paksmokes?”
“Hesayshequit,but…”Sheshruggedagainandclosedhereyes,acrookedgrinonhermouth.Shepulledthecigarettetohermouthandbreathedslowly,herchestrisingbeforefallingagain.In,throughherbody,out.In,out.Mattmatchedhisbreathwithhers,andsomethingaboutthesynchronyoftheirbreathandthesilencebetweenthem—acomfortablesilence,thekindthatwrapsthemomentinintimacy—madehimwanttokissher.Ormaybeitwasherface,sosmoothitseemedtoreflecttheblueofthesky.Hebentdowntowardherface.
“So,how’sthetr—”MaryopenedhereyeswhenMatt’sheadwasabovehers.Shestoppedtalking,andherbrowsliftedinsurprisethenscrunchedintoafrownwithadashofannoyance(athisperversion,fortryingtokissher,orathiscowardice,forstopping?).
Mattwantedtotellher.Buthowcouldhemakeherunderstand?Thatshe’dlookedsopeaceful—no,itzoomedbeyondpeacetopurebliss—thathewanted,needed,topartakeinit,imbibethebeautifultranslucenceofherskinandmakeithisown?“Sorry,Isawabug,amosquito,Imean,onyourcheekandIwantedto,um,getit,”Mattsaid,willingthecapillariesinhisfacenottodilateandsendbloodgushingtohischeeks.
Maryraisedherselfupintoahalf-reclinedposition,supportedbybentelbows.
Matttookadrag.“Whatwereyousaying?How’sthewhat?”Hetriedtosoundcasual.
Itcould’vebeenthelookheglimpsedasshelaybackdown:thesecretsmugnessofawomanpleasedbyaman’sinterest.Oritcould’vebeenwhatshesaidnext:“Iwassaying,how’sthetreatment?Youknow,HBOT.Isyourspermfixednow?”saidmatter-of-factly,lightly,withnomockingorpity,asifhisinfertilitywerenottheSeriousMatterofTragedythatJanine,theirdoctors,andhergoddamnedparentstreateditlikeitwas,hadconvincedhimitwas.Whicheveritwas,inthatmoment,thefailureofhisspermtodowhatitwassupposedtodo,whatitwasplannedtodo,wasnolongerthecauseofgriefandpenitence,butofreliefandhope.Ofworry-free,future-free,goddamnedfuckingfreedom.
THEMOSQUITOESwereabitch.Funny,howthey’dneverbotheredhimlastsummer,sittingrightherewithMary,butnow,withoutthesmokerepellingthem,theywereswarminghim,droningtheirfeverishexcitementatthearrivalofwarmflesh,brinedinsweatallday,hotbloodsurgingthroughtheveinspuffedupbytheheat.Mattslappedattheblackbodiesfeastingonhiswristsandneck.Hewishedhehadacigarette.
HestoppedwhenhesawMaryapproaching.Fuckitwiththemosquitoes—itwasmoreimportanttoappear,toactuallybe,composed,andbesides,hisslappingwasn’thelpingany.“Thanksforcoming.Iwasn’tsureyouwould,”Mattsaidwhenshestoppedwalking,prettyfaraway,justcloseenoughtoheareachother.
“Whatdoyouwant?”shesaid.Hervoicewasamonotone,lowerthanbeforetheexplosion,asifshe’dagedtwentyyears.
“Iheardyoumightbetestifyingtomorrow,”hesaid.
Shedidn’trespond.Justgavehimthatlook—theno-fucking-way-we’re-even-discussing-thislooksheandJanineshared—thenturnedandwalkedaway.
“Mary,wait.”Hethoughthesawapausemid-step,butheblinkedandshewasstillwalking.Herantoher.“Mary,”hesaidagain,softerthistime,andtouchedherarm.Itwasstrange,seeinghisfingerscontactingherskin,butunabletofeelitssmoothnessthroughhisnervelessscars,hisbrainparalyzedoverthissensorytug-of-warbetweensightandtouch.
Shestoppedandlookedathishand,awinceofsomething—disgust?pity?—flashingacrossherfacebeforeshepulledherarmaway.Slowly,cautiously,asifhishandwereabombabouttogooff.
Hewantedtoreachout,touchhisscartohers,buthesteppedback.“I’msorry.”
“Forwhat?”
Heopenedhismouth,butitwasasifeverythinghe’dwantedtoapologizefor—thenotes,hiswife,histestimony,andmostofall,herbirthdaylastsummer—wasracingtohisvocalcords,causingaverbaltrafficjam.Heclearedhisthroat.“Ineedtoknowifyou’vetoldanyone.”
Marytwirledherponytailaroundherindexfinger.Sheletgo,thendiditagain
Mattsuckedthedense,mustyairintohislungs.Italmostfeltlikesmoking.“Yourparents.Dotheyknow?”
“Knowwhat?”
“Youknow,”hesaid.Hewasgettingacrampinhismissingfinger,whichwasunfortunate,sincehecouldn’trubit.
Marynarrowedhereyes,asiftryingtoreadsmallwritingonhisface.“No.Ihaven’ttoldanyone.”
Herealizedhe’dbeenholdinghisbreath.Hefeltdizzy,heardmosquitoesbuzzing,thepitchoftheirdronegettinghigher,thenlower,likesirenspassingby.
“AndJanine?”Marysaid.“She’sonthewitnesslist.Isshegoingtosayanything?”
Mattshookhishead.“Shedoesn’tknow.”
Maryfrowned.“Whatdoyoumeanshedoesn’tknow?Whatarewetalkingabouthere?”
“Us,”Mattsaid.“Ournotes,smoking,shedoesn’tknowanyofthat.Inevertoldher.”
Mary’sfacecontortedwithbitterdisbeliefbeforeshesteppedforwardandshovedhim,hard.“Youfuckingliar!”Hervoicerosetoitspre-explosionhighpitch.“YouthinkIforgotbecauseofmycoma?Iremembereverything.Itwasthemosthumiliatingmomentofmylife,havinghertreatmelikeI’msomecrazystalkerwhowon’tleaveherpoorhusbandalone.Youknow,Igetitifyoucouldneverfacemeagain.Butwhywouldyousendyourwife?”
Mattstumbled.ItwasasifMary’sshovehadsetoffahundredpinballsinhischest,collidingintooneanother,hisribs,hisspine,makingithardtostandstraight.“She…shewhat?”
Marysteppedback,herfacestilloverflowingwithdistrustbutsofteningatMatt’sobviousconfusion.“Youdidn’tknow?But…”Sheclenchedhereyesshutandrubbedherface.Herscarturnedbrightredagainstherpaledskin,likelavaoozingcrookedlydownamountain.“Shesaidsheknew.Shesaidyoutoldhereverythingthedaybeforetheexplosion.”
Blink,andhecouldseeit:intheirbedroomthenightbeforetheexplosion,Janine’sarmreachingfrombehind,holdingMary’slatestnote.Idon’tknowwhyweneedtodiscussit.Can’twejustforgetiteverhappened?Janine’sdisembodiedvoicefrombehindhim—“Thiswasinthecloset.What’sthisabout?Who’sitfrom?”Theliehe’dtold,howhe’dbeensureshe’dboughtit.Hadhebeenwrong?
“Well?Didyoutellherornot?”Marysaid.
MattfocusedonMary’sface.“Shefoundoneofyournotes,butItoldheritwasfromaninternwhomadeapassatmeandgotembarrassed.Janinebelievedme,Iknowshedid.Shenevermentioneditagain.Whendidshetalktoyou?Where?”
Marytookherponytailtoherlipsthenletgo,lettingitfallaway.“Thenightoftheexplosion,aroundeight.Rightaroundhere.”
“Eight?Here?ButItalkedtoher.IcalledtotellherthedivewasdelayedandI’dbelate.Shedidn’tsayanythingaboutdrivinghereoryouor—”
“Sheknewaboutthedelay?Butshesaid…”Mary’svoicetrailedoff,hermouthstillopenbutnowordscomingout.
“What?Whatdidshesay?”
Maryshookherheadasiftorefocusherthoughts.“Iwaswaitingforyou,here.Shecameup,saidyoutoldhereverything.IsaidIdidn’tknowwhatshewastalkingabout,andshesaidyouweretoonicetosay,butIwasstalkingyouandI’dbetterstop.Shesaidyouweren’tcomingtomeetme,thatyoucouldn’tbebothered,andyou’dalreadyleftandaskedhertotakecareofgettingmetoleaveyoualone.”
Mattclosedhiseyes.“OhmyGod,”hesaid.Ormaybehejustthoughtit.Itwashardtotell.Hisheadwasspinning.
“IkeptsayingIhadnoideawhatshewastalkingabout,butshehadthisbag,andshe…”Mary’svoicefaltered.“Shetookoutacigarettepackandthrewitatme.Andmatchesandanote,too,yellingthatitwasallmine.”
Mattwonderedifthiswasadream,andhe’dwakeupandeverythingwouldmakesenseagain.Butno,dreamsfeltlogicalwhenyouwereinthem.Thesurrealfeelingthatwasdrowninghimnowcameafter,notduring.“Andthen?”
“Ijustsaidtheyweren’tmineandwalkedaway.”
Mattpicturedhiswifestandinghere,enraged,cigarettesandmatchesbyherfeetandhiminsideanoxygenchambermereminutesaway.Bloodswooshedinhisears
“DoyouthinkthecigarettesshethrewaretheonesElizabethfound?”
Mattnodded.Ofcoursetheywere.Theonlyunknownwaswhat,ifanything,JaninedidwiththembeforeElizabethfoundthem.
Afteraminute,Marysaid,“Wereyouplanningtomeetmethatnight?”
Mattopenedhiseyesandnoddedagain.Hisheadfelthollow,andthemotionseemedtoknockhisbrainagainsthisskull.“Yeah,”heforcedhimselftosayoutloud,hisvoicehoarseasifhehadn’tuseditindays.“Ifiguredwe’dmeetlater,afterthedive.”
Marylookedathim,didn’tsayanything,andhetriedtofigureoutwhathesawonherface.Wasitlonging?Regret?
Maryshookherhead.“Ihavetogo.It’sgettinglate.”Shewalkedaway.Afterafewsteps,shestoppedandturnedtohim.“Doyoueverfeelguilty?Likemaybeweshouldtelleverythingweknow,andletwhatevermighthappenjusthappen?”
Mattfelthisarteriesconstrict,sendinghisorgansintopanicmode,hisheartforcedtopumpharder,bloodtorushfaster,lungstoinflatebigger.Yes,he’dworriedabouthisshenaniganswithateenagercomingout.Butthatwaslaughable,child’splay,comparedwithwhatthejurywouldthink—andlet’sbehonest,whathehimselfwasthinking—iftheyfoundoutthatJaninewasherebeforetheexplosionandliedaboutit.
“I’vethoughtaboutit.”Mattforcedhiswordstosoundslowandcalm,asifhewereconsideringaninterestingsidepointinalecture.“ButIdon’tthinkwehaveanythingrelevanttooffer.Whatyou,Janine,andIweredoinghasnothingtodowiththefire.Thenote,thecigarettes—sure,it’sinterestingtospeculatewheretheycamefrom,butattheendoftheday,thathasnothingtodowithwhoactuallysetthefire.I’mworriedwe’lljustconfusetheissue.You’veseenhowtheselawyerstwisteveryone’swords.”
“Yeah,”shesaid.“You’reright.Goodnight.”
“Mary.”Hesteppedtowardher.“Ifyousayanything,Imeananything,ourfamilies,allourfutures—”
Maryputupherpalmlikeastopsignandlookedintohiseyesforalongmoment.Slowly,sheputherhandbackdown,turned,andwalkedaway.
Whenshewentaroundabendandhecouldnolongerseeher,Mattbreathedslowly.Hisarteriesseemedtodilate,sendingbloodrushingtohisorgans,whichweretinglingastheyunclenchedonebyone.Mattfeltsomethingitch.Helookeddown.Amosquitosatonthecrookofhisarm,leisurelysuckingonhisblood.Heslappedatit,fastandhard,andremovedhishand.Themosquitolaycrushedinhispalm,ablacksmudgestuckinthesplatterofthecrimsonbloodithadsuckedupinthemomentsbeforeitsdeath.
MARY
SHEWALKEDTOHERFAVORITESPOTinthewoods.AsecludedhideawaywhereMiracleCreekmeanderedthroughadensegroveofweepingwillows.Thiswaswhereshecametothinkwhenevershewasupset,whereshe’dcomelastyearafterthathorrifyingbirthdaynightwithMattandagainrightbeforetheexplosion,afterJaninethrewcigarettesather.Sittinghereontheflat,smoothrock,thegurglingwaternearbyandgreencurtainofwillowsseparatingherfromtheworld—shefeltsafeandserene,atonewiththewoods,asifherskinweremoltingintotheairandtheairburrowingintoherskin,thecell-by-cellexchangeofskinandairmakingherblurryattheedgeslikeanimpressionistpainting,herinsidesseepingoutthroughherporesanddissipatingintothesky,leavingherlighter,lesssubstantial.
Marycrouchedandputherhandsinthewater.Thecurrentwasstronghere,therushingwaterswirlingpebbles,ticklingherfingers.ShescoopedupahandfulandscrubbedherarmwhereMatttouchedher.Herstomachcalmed,butherbrainwasstillstuckinthatbizarrestateofhyperspeedparalysis,thethoughtscomingsofast,shecouldn’tthink.Shestoodandbreathed,matchingtheswayofthewillowbranchesnearby,theveilofgreenundulatingsidetosideinthewindlikethegrassskirtofahuladancer.Sheneededtountangleherthoughts,thinkthingsthroughrationally,onestrandatatime.
ThecigaretteandmatchesthatstartedthefirewerethesameonesJaninethrewather.Thatseemedcertain.Theonlyquestionwasthematterofwho:Whotookthemfromthewoodstothebarn,builtamoundofsticks,litthecigarette,placeditontop,andwalkedaway?JanineorElizabeth?Maybeeventheprotesters?
JaninehadbeenMary’soriginalsuspect.Afterwakingfromthecoma,lyinginthehospitalwhiledoctorsproddedandjabbedher,she’drememberedJanine’sfuryandguessedthatshe’ddoneitinanuncontrollableburstofanger,todestroyanythinghavingtodowithMary.
Butasshe’dbeenagonizingaboutwhattotellthepolice—didshehaveenoughcouragetotellthemeverything?WouldshehavetorevealthehumiliatingdetailsofherbirthdaynightwithMatt?—hermotherhadtoldheraboutElizabeth,abouthersmoking,childabuse,computersearches,andonandon,andMaryhadbeenconvinced.Everythingfit:ElizabethmusthavefoundthecigaretteswhereJaninethrewthem,andusedthemtosetupthefireinthewaymostlikelytokillhersonandincriminatetheprotesters.Thehorrifyingefficiencyofitall.That,plusAbe’s“beyondonehundredpercent”certaintyofElizabeth’sguilt—thosewerewhatMaryclungtowhenherconsciencestruck,whenshelongedtobreakhersilenceaboutthatnight.
Buttodayhadchangedallthat.Notonlythecross-examinations(Abe’scaseagainstElizabethwasfarfromtheslamdunkhe’dpromised),butalsotherevelationsfromMattjustnow.AccordingtoMatt,he’dnevertalkedtoJanineaboutMaryoraskedhertoconfrontMaryforhim.Butwhatdidthatmean?HadJanine’sliesandsecretsbeenpartofsomearson-murderplot?HadshebeenevenmorefuriousthanMaryhadguessed—hadshesomehowfoundoutaboutthebirthdaynight?—andhadsheplacedthecigarettebythebarn,knowingherhusbandwasinside,totrytokillhim?
No.Thatwasn’tpossible.Onlyamonsterwouldputalitcigarettebyflowingoxygen,knowingthathelplesschildrenandtheirmotherswereinside.AndJanine—adoctor,whowasdedicatedtosavingpeople’slives,who’dworkedhardtohelpbuildMiracleSubmarine—wasnotamonster.Wasshe?
Ontopofallthat,somethingstrangehadcomeouttodayabouttheprotesters.DetectivePiersonsaidhe’druledthemoutbecausethey’dgonestraighttoD.C.afterleavingthepolicestationthatnight.Butthatwasn’ttrue;herfatherhadseenthemdrivingaroundtheirpropertyonlytenminutesbeforetheexplosion.Sowhyweretheprotesterslying?Whathadtheydonethatneededcoveringup?
Marywalkedtothenearestwillowtreeandtouchedthebranchesthatdrapedalmosttotheground.Sheranherfingersthrough,separatingthem,thewayhermothercombedherfingersthroughherhair.Shesteppedintotheveilofwillows,feelingthefeatherystrandsgentlystrokeherface,makingtheareaaroundherscarfeeltinglyandtickly.
Herscar.Herfather’suselesslegs,inawheelchair.Deathofawomanandaboy.Theboy’smotherontrialformurder,which,ifshehadnothingtodowiththefire,wasputtingherunjustlythroughhell.Andnow,Mary’sfatherbeingaccusedofmurder.Somuchpainanddestruction,hersilenceenablingitall.Giveneverythingshenowknew,givenhersuspicionsaboutJanineandtheprotesters,herrisingdoubtsaboutElizabeth’sroleinthefire,didn’tMaryhaveadutytocomeforward,nomatterwhattheconsequences?
Abesaidshemighttestifysoon.Maybethatwasexactlywhatsheneeded.Achance—no,amandate—totellthetruth.She’dwaitonemoreday.Abesaidhe’dbepresentingthemostshocking,incontrovertibleproofofElizabeth’sguilttomorrow.She’dwaittoseewhatthatwas.Andifanydoubtremained,iftherewastheslightestchancethatElizabethwasn’ttoblame,she’dstandupincourtandtelleverythingthathappenedlastsummer.
JANINECHO
SHEWENTSTRAIGHTTOTHEKITCHENCABINETwhereshekeptthewok.Ithadbeenabridal-showerpresentfromoneofMatt’scousins,who’dsaid,“Iknowthisisn’tonyourregistry,butitseemedsoappropriate…”Shehadn’texplainedhowitseemed“appropriate,”butJanineknewitwasbecauseshewasAsian.WoksareaChinesething,notaKoreanthing,she’dwantedtosay,butshe’dbittenthatbackandthankedherforsuchathoughtfulgift.She’dmeanttodonateorregiftit,butshe’dkeptit,storedawaybehindalltheotherjunktheyneverused.
Sheopenedtheboxwiththewok—onlythesecondtimeever—andgrabbedtheinstructions/recipesbooklet.Sheflippedthroughuntilshefoundit:theinfamousH-Martnote,whichshe’dhiddenawayandtriedtoforgetaboutforthelastyear
Todayincourtwasthefirsttimeshe’drealizedthatanyoneotherthanMatt,Mary,andsheherselfevenknewaboutit,muchlessthatitsexistencewasapointofcontention.Andtothink,she’dalmostmissedwhenitcameupincourttoday.AfterPiersonsaidtheprotesterswereinnocent,she’dbeenpreoccupiedwiththoughtsofthatnight—howshe’dseentheprotestersdrivingbyMiracleSubmarine,whattimethatwas(8:10?8:15?)andhowreliablethese“celltowerpings”couldbeiftheycorroboratedtheirlies,and,ohGod,wastherearecordofherowncelltowerpingssomewhere?—whenTeresastoodandyelledout,“IsawtheH-Martnote.”Janine’shearthadpoundedherribcageandshe’dhadtorearrangeherhairtohideherburningcheeks.
Whyhadshekeptit?Shecouldthinkofnopurpose,noreasonotherthanhersupremeidiocy.Inthehospitalaftertheexplosion,whensheoverhearddetectivestalkingaboutfindingcigarettesandneedingtocombthroughthewoodsinthemorning,she’dpanickedanddriventoMiracleCreekinthemiddleofthenighttoretrievethethingsshe’dstupidlyleftbehind.Shecouldn’tfindthecigarettesormatches;thenotewastheonlythingshefound,behindabushnearasquareareacordonedoffwithyellowtape(Elizabeth’spicnicspot,shelaterlearned).Shegrabbedthenoteand,forsomebizarrereasonshecouldn’texplain,chosetokeepit.
Ofcourse,everythingshedidbackthenseemedinexplicablenow,ayearlater.Butonthatday,withtheinsanity-inducingmixofshameandragecoursingthroughher,allheractionshadmadeperfectsense.Eventhenote-in-wokplacement—ithadseemedstrangelyappropriatetokeeptheproofofherhusband’srelationshipwithaKoreangirlinsideapresentfromthewomanwho’dfirstaccusedhimofhavingan“Orientalfetish.”
IthadhappenedtheThanksgivingaftertheirengagement,atMatt’sgrandparents’house.Afterintroductions,Janinewasreturningfromthebathroomwhensheoverheardagroupoffemalevoices—Matt’scousins,allperkyblondeswithSouthernaccentsinvaryingdegreesofthickness—sayinginwhispers,asifsharingshamefulsecrets,“Ididn’tknowshewasOriental!”“Whatisthisnow,thethird?”“IthinkonewasPakistani—doesthatcount?”“I’vebeentellingyou,hehasanOrientalfetish,somemenarejustlikethat.”
Atthislastutterance(madebythesoon-to-bewok-gifter),Janinepaddedback.Shelockedthebathroomdoor,turnedonthefaucet,andlookedatherselfinthemirror.Orientalfetish.Wasthatwhatshewas?Anexoticplaythingtoquenchsomedeep-seatedpsychosexualaberration?Fetishimpliedsomethingwrong.Obscene,even.AndthewordOriental—itconjuredupalienimagesofthird-world,backwardvillagesfromlongago.Geishaandchildbrides.Submissionandperversion.Shefelthotshamesweepingthroughher,headtotoe,sidetoside,eachsweepfloodingherintorrents.Andanger,apiercingsenseofunfairness:she’dhadwhiteboyfriends,butnooneaccusedherofharboringaCaucasianfetish.Andshehadfriendswho’ddatedonlyblondesorJewishwomenorRepublicanmen(bycoincidenceorintent,noonekneworcared),buttheydidn’tgetaccusedofhavingablondefetishorJewfetishorRepublicanfetish.Buttakeanynon-Asianguywho’sdatedatleasttwoAsianwomen—well,thatwasafetish,hemusthavewantedthemtofulfillsomekinky,psychologicallyaberrantneedhehadforexoticOrientalness.Butwhy?WhodecideditwasnormaltobeattractedtoblondesandJewsandRepublicans,butnottoAsianwomen?Whywas“fetish,”withitsconnotationofsexualdeviance,reservedforAsianwomenandfeet?Itwasoffensive,itwasbullshit,andshewantedtoscreamout,Iamnot“Oriental,”andIamnotafoot!
Atdinner,JaninesatnexttoMatt(butnottooclose),feelingwronganddirty,wonderingwhoelsethoughtOrientalfetishlookingatthem.HeracuteawarenessofherforeignnesschurnedinherstomachanytimeanyoneremarkedaboutAsians,eventhebenignlystereotypicalorintended-to-be-flatteringcommentsshenormallylaughedoff:Matt’skindgrandmothersaying,“Imaginewhatgorgeouskidsyou’llhave.IsawthisspecialontheVietnamWarhalf-breedkids,andI’mnotkidding,they’rejustbeautiful,”forinstance,orMatt’ssolicitousunclesaying,“Mattsaysyou’refirstinyourclass.I’mnotsurprised.IknewsomeAsiankidsincollege—Japanese,Ithink—andboy,weretheywickedsmart.”(Followedbyhiswife’s“HalfofBerkeley’sAsiannow,”thentoJanine,“Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat.”)
Afterward,Janinetriedtoforgetit,remindedherselfitwasanignorantcommentutteredbyanignorantperson,andinanyevent,Matthadplentyofnon-Asianex-girlfriends(specifically,sixwhites,versustwoAsian-Americans—she’dcheckedthenextday).Butfromtimetotime—whenshesawMattjokingwithanAsiannurseinthecafé,forinstance,orwhenawomanshe’dneverlikedsaid,“Youguysshoulddouble-datewiththenewpodiatristandhiswife,she’sAsian,too”—shethoughtofthewokcousinandfeltheatsearhereyesandcheeks.
Butthosetimes,sheknewhe’ddonenothingwrongandshewasbeingirrationallyreactionary.Thenotesweredifferent.Thefirstoneshefound—thenightbeforetheexplosion,whiledoinglaundry,inMatt’spantspocket—she’dshowntoMatt,whosaiditwasfromahospitalinternwhosepasseshe’drebuffed.She’dtriedtobelievehim,hadwantedto,butshecouldn’thelplookingthenextmorning—throughhisclothes,car,eventhetrash—andfoundmorewiththesamehandwriting.Mostwereshort,variationsonSeeyoutonight?orMissedyoulastnight,butshecameacrossonereadingHateSATwords!NEEDsmokestonight!,andsheknew:Matthadlied.
Whenshefoundthefinalnote—thenow-infamousH-Martnotethatshe’dstoredwiththewokforayearandwasnowholdinginherhand—andreadherhusband’sscribbledhandwriting,Thisneedstoend.Weneedtomeet,8:15tonight.Bythecreek,andtheYesingirlishwritingonthebottom,thatwaswhensherealized:theproposedtime(rightafteradive)andlocation(he’dmentionedonlyone“creek”)hadtomeanthatthegirlhewasmeeting,thegirlhe’dsmokedwithandGodonlyknewwhatelse,wasMaryYoo.
Itmadehercrazy.Shecouldseethatnow.Findingthisnote,realizingthatMattwasinvolvedwithaKoreangirl,notknowingwhichhumiliatedhermore—theteenagepart,ortheKoreanpart?—andwonderingifthewokcousinhadbeenright.Ablastofheatblewthroughher,sohotandfastshefeltfeverishandweak,andshewantedtoslapMattandscream,askwhatthehellwasitwithhimandthisfetish,andyet,atthesametime,shehatedherselfforbuyingintothisfetishbullshit,andshewantedtoneversayitoutloudtohim,itwastooshameful
Now,standinginherkitchen,Janineheldthenote,thispieceofpaperthathadbeenthebeginningandendingofeverythingshewishedshecouldundothatnight:fromdrivingouttoMiracleCreektoconfrontMarywithit,toretrievingitinthemiddleofthenight,plusalltheawfulthingsbetween.Shetookittothesinkandranitunderthewater.Shetoreitintopieces,againandagain,andreleasedthebitsintothestream,lettingthemfallin.Sheswitchedonthedisposal,focusingonthegratingsoundofthemetalbladeturningaroundandaround,obliteratingthenoteintoparticlesofpulp.Onceshewascalm,onceshecouldnolongerheartherushingofbloodinhereardrums,sheshutoffthedisposalandthewater,putthewokbookletbackinthebox,andcloseditup.Sheputtheboxbackinthecabinet,behindallthethingsshe’dneveruse,andshutittight.
THETRIAL:DAYTHREE
Wednesday,August19,2009
PAK
PAKYOOWASADIFFERENTPERSONinEnglishthaninKorean.Inaway,hesupposed,itwasinevitableforimmigrantstobecomechildversionsofthemselves,strippedoftheirverbalfluencyand,withit,alayeroftheircompetenceandmaturity.BeforemovingtoAmerica,he’dpreparedhimselfforthedifficultiesheknewhe’dexperience:thelogisticalawkwardnessoftranslatinghisthoughtsbeforespeaking,theintellectualtaxationoffiguringoutwordsfromcontext,thephysicalchallengeofshapinghistongueintounfamiliarpositionstomakesoundsthatdidn’texistinKorean.Butwhathehadn’tknown,hadn’texpected,wasthatthislinguisticuncertaintywouldextendbeyondspeechand,likeavirus,infectotherparts:histhinking,demeanor,hisverypersonalityitself.InKorean,hewasanauthoritativeman,educatedandworthyofrespect.InEnglish,hewasadeaf,muteidiot,unsure,nervous,andinept.Abah-bo.
Pakacceptedthislongago,onthefirstdayhejoinedYoungattheBaltimoregrocerystore.Thepreteenhoodlumssaying“Ah-so”infakeaccents,pretendingtheycouldn’tunderstandhis“MayIhelpyou?”andsniggeringastheyrepeatedinbastardizedsingsong,“Meh-yeeah-eehair-puhyoooooh?”—that,hecoulddismissastheanticsofchildrentryingoncrueltylikeashirtinastore.Butthewomanwho’dorderedabolognasandwich:herstruggletounderstandhis“Wouldyoulikeasodaalso?”—aphrasehe’dmemorizedthatmorning—hadbeengenuine.Shesaid,“Icouldn’thear;couldyourepeatthat?”Afterhislouder,slowerrepetition,shesaid,“Saythatonemoretime,”then,“I’msorry;something’swrongwithmyearstoday,”andfinally,justanembarrassedsmile—theembarrassmentforhim,Pakrealized—andshakeofherhead.Witheachofthefourrepetitions,hefeltheatradiatingthroughhischeeksandforehead,asifhisheadwerebowedoverburningcoalandbeingpusheddowncentimeterbycentimeter.HeendeduppointingtoaCokeandmimingdrinkingit.Shelaughedinrelief,saying,“Yes,I’dloveone,”andtakinghermoney,hethoughtofthebeggarsoutside,takingchangefrompeoplelikethiswoman,withkindbutrepugnantpityinhereyes.
Pakbecamequiet.Hefoundreliefintherelativedignityofsilenceandretreatedintoinvisibility.Theproblemwas,Americansdidn’tlikesilence.Itmadethemuneasy.ToKoreans,beingsparingwithwordssignaledgravitas,buttoAmericans,verbiagewasaninherentgood,akintokindnessorcourage.Theylovedwords—themore,thelonger,andmorequicklysaid,thesmarterandmoreimpressive.Quietness,Americansseemedtoequatewithanemptymind—nothingtosay,nothoughtsworthhearing—orperhapssullenness.Deceit,even.WhichwaswhyAbewasworriedaboutPaktestifying.“Thejuryhastothinkyouwanttogivetheminformation,”he’dsaid,preparingPak.“Youtakethoselongpauses,they’llwonder,‘What’shehiding?Ishefiguringouthowbesttolie?’”
Sittingherenow,withthejuryseatedandallwhisperedconversationsonpause,Pakclosedhiseyesandsavoredthislastmomentofsilencebeforetheslingingandpummelingofwordswouldbegin.Perhapshecoulddrinkinthesilenceandkeepitinreserve,likeacamelinthedesert,useittorefreshhimselfbitbybitonthestand.
BEINGAWITNESSwaslikeacting.Onaraisedstage,alleyesonhim,tryingtorecallsomeoneelse’sscriptedwords.AtleastAbestartedwithbasicquestionswitheasy-to-memorizeanswers:“Iamforty-oneyearsold,”“IwasbornandraisedinSouthKorea,”“ImovedtoAmericalastyear,”“Atfirst,Iworkedinagrocerystore.”Thekindofquestion-answersetslistedinPak’soldEnglishtextbooks,whichhe’dusedtoteachMarybackinKorea.He’ddrilledher,makingherreciteheranswersagainandagainuntiltheybecameautomatic,thesamewayshe’ddrilledhimlastnight,correctinghispronunciation,forcinghimtopracticejustoncemore.Andnow,Marywasattheedgeofherseat,staringathimwithanunblinkingintensityasiftotelegraphherthoughtstohis,thewayheusedtoduringhermonthlymathcompetitionsinKorea.
ThiswasthethingheregrettedmostabouttheirmovetoAmerica:theshameofbecominglessproficient,lessadult,thanhisownchild.He’dexpectedthistohappeneventually,hadseenhowchildrenandparentsswitchplacesastheparentsage,theirmindsandbodiesrevertingtochildhood,theninfancy,thennonbeing.Butnotformanyyears,andcertainlynotyet,whenMarystillhadafootinchildhood.InKorea,hehadbeentheteacher.Butafterhismove,whenhevisitedMary’sschool,herprincipalhadsaid,“Welcome!Tellme,howareyoulikingBaltimore?”Paksmiled,nodded,andwasdecidinghowtoanswer—perhapsthesmile-nodhadbeenenough?—whenMarysaid,“Helovesithere,runningthestorerightbyInnerHarbor.Right,Dad?”Therestofthemeeting,Marycontinuedspeakingforhim,answeringquestionsdirectedhisway,likeamotherwithhertwo-year-oldson.
Theironywas,thiswaspreciselywhythey’dimmigratedtoAmerica:sothatMarymighthaveabetterlife,abrighterfuture,thantheirs.(Wasn’tthatwhatparentsweresupposedtohopefor,thattheirchildrenwouldbecometaller/smarter/richerthanthey?)Pakwasproudofhisdaughterforthespeedwithwhichsheachievedfluencyinthisforeignlanguagethateludedhim,forhersprintdownthepathofAmericanization.Andhisinabilitytokeepup—thatwassupposedtohappen.Notonlybecauseshe’dbeenherefouryearslongerbutbecausechildrenwerebetteratlanguages,theyounger,thebetter;everyoneknewthat.Atpuberty,one’stongueset,lostitsabilitytoreplicatenewsoundswithoutanaccent.Butitwasonethingtoknowthis,andanotherthingentirelytohaveyourchildwitnessyoustruggle,totransformintheireyesfromademigodtosomeonesmall.
“Pak,whydidyoustartMiracleSubmarine?Korean-rungroceries,I’veseen.ButHBOTseemsunusual,”Abesaid,thefirstofchallengingquestionsrequiringlongernarratives.
Paklookedatthejurorsandtriedtoimaginethemasnewfriendshewasgettingtoknow,asAbehadadvised.Hesaid,“Iworked…atawellnesscenter…inSeoul…Itwasmydreamto…startsamefacility…tohelppeople.”Thewordshe’dmemorizeddidn’tfeelrightinhismouth,stucklikeglue.He’dhavetodobetter.
“Telluswhyyougotfireinsurance.”
“Fireinsuranceisrecommendedbyhyperbaricregulators.”Pakhadpracticedthisoverahundredtimeslastnight,thesevenr’sinarowstraininghistongue,makinghimstutter.Thankfully,thejuryseemedtounderstandhim.
“Why1.3million?”
“Thecompanydeterminedthepolicyamount.”Atthetime,he’dbeenoutraged,havingtopaysomuch—andeverymonth!—forsomethingthatmightnevermaterialize.Buthe’dhadnochoice.Janinehadinsistedonthepolicy,hadmadeitaconditionoftheirdeal.JustbehindAbe,Janinewaslookingdown,herfacepale,andPakwonderedifshelayawakeatnight,regrettingtheirsecretarrangement,thecashpayments,wonderinghowtheirexcitedplanshadendedhere.
“Yesterday,Ms.Haugaccusedyouofcallingthecompanyregardingarson,usingMattThompson’sphone.Pak”—Abesteppedcloser—“didyoumakethatcall?”
“No.IneveruseMatt’stelephone.Inevercallmycompany.Thereisnoneed.Ialreadyknowanswer.Itiswritteninthepolicy.”
Abeheldupadocument,asiftoshowoffitsthickness—twocentimetersatleast—thenhandedittoPak.“Isthisthepolicyyou’rereferringto?”
“Yes.IreadbeforeIsigned.”
Abeputonalookofsurprise.“Really?It’samightylongdocument.Mostpeopledon’treadthefineprint.Idon’t,andI’malawyer.”
Thejurorsnodded.Pakguessedtheywereinthecategoryofpeople—mostAmericanswere,Abesaid—whojustsignedthings,whichseemedtobeincrediblytrustingorjustlazy.Maybeboth.“IamnotfamiliarwithAmericanbusiness.SoImustread.ItranslatedtoKoreanusingdictionary.”Pakflippedtothearsonpageandhelditup.Thejurorsweretoofartomakeoutthewords,buttheycouldsurelyseehisscribblesinthemargins.
“Andtheanswertothearsonquestionisinthatdocument?”
“Yes.”Pakreadtheprovision,amodelofAmericanverbalexcess,aneighteen-linesentencefullofsemicolonsandlongwords.HepointedtohisKoreanscribble.“Thisismytranslation.Yougetmoneyifsomeonesetsfire,butnotifyouareinvolved.”
Abenodded.“Now,anotherthingthedefensetriedtopinonyouistheH-Martnotethedefendantclaimstohavefound.”Abeclenchedhisjaw,andPakguessedhewasstillupsetaboutTeresa’s“defection,”ashe’dcalledit.“Pak,didyouwriteorreceiveanysuchnote?”
“No.Never,”Paksaid.
“Knowanythingaboutit?”
“No.”
“ButyoudoownanH-Martnotepad?”
“Yes.Ihadinthebarn.Manypeopleuseit.Elizabethusedit.Shelikedthesize.Igaveheronepad.Forherpurse.”
“Wait,sothedefendantkeptanentireH-Martnotepadinherpurse?”Abelookedshocked,asifhehadn’tknown,hadn’tscriptedPak’sanswer.
“Yes.”PakresistedtheurgetosmileatAbe’stheatrics.
“Soshecould’veeasilycrumpledupH-Martpaperandleftitforotherstosee?”
“Objection,callsforspeculation.”Shannonstood.
“Withdrawn.”AsmilepassedthroughAbe’sfacelikeafast-movingcloudasheputaposterontheeasel.“Thisisacopyofthemarked-upchartMs.Haugintroducedyesterday.”
Paklookedattheredlettersblaminghimforthedestructionofhispatients’lives,hisdaughter’sface,hisownlegs.
“Pak,yournameisalloverthischart.Let’sexplorethat.First,ownershiporpossessionoftheweapon—inthiscase,Camelcigarettes.Didyouhaveanylastsummer?”
“No.Ihaveno-smokingrule.Itistoodangerouswithoxygen.”
“Howaboutbeforelastsummer?Haveyoueversmoked?”
PakhadaskedAbenottoaskthis,butAbesaidShannonwassuretohaveevidenceofhispastsmoking,andadmittingitfirstwoulddeflateherplannedattack.“Yes,inBaltimore.ButneverinVirginia.”
“Haveyouboughtcigarettesoranythingelsefromany7-Eleven,anywhere?”
“No.Isaw7-EleveninBaltimore,butInevergoinside.Ineversaw7-ElevennearMiracleCreek.”
Abesteppedcloser.“Didyoubuyoreventouchanycigaretteslastsummer?”
Pakswallowed.Therewasnoshameinwhitelies,answersthatweretechnicallyuntruebutultimatelyservedthegreatergood.“No.”
Abetookoutaredmarker,marchedtotheeasel,andcrossedoutP.YOOnexttoSuspectownership/possession.Abeclosedthemarker,thecap’sclickanauditoryexclamationpointtotheslashingofPak’sname.“Next,Opportunitytocommitcrime.There’sbeenalotofconfusionhere,withyourneighbor,yourvoice,allthat.Sotellus,onceandforall:Wherewereyouduringthelastdive,beforetheexplosion?”
Pakspokeslowly,deliberately,elongatingeachsyllable.“Iwasinsidethebarn.Theentiretime.”Thiswasn’talie.Notreally.Notwhenithadnoimpactontheultimatequestionofwhosetthefire.
“Didyouimmediatelyopenthehatch?”
“No.”Anditwastrue,hewouldn’thavedonethat.Pakexplainedwhathewould’vedoneifhe’dbeenthere:turnoffoxygenattheemergencyvalvesincasethecontrolsweredamaged,thenextra-slowdepressurizationtomakesurethepressurechangeswouldn’tcauseanotherdetonation,resultinginthedelayofthehatchopeningbymorethanaminute.
“Thatmakessense.Thankyou,”Abesaid.“Now,Pak,doyouhaveanyotherproofthatyouneverwentoutsidebytheoxygentanksbeforetheexplosion?”
“Yes,mycelltelephonerecord,”Paksaid,asAbehandedoutcopies.“8:05to8:22p.m.,Iwasonthetelephone.Icalledthepowercompanytoaskwhentheywillfix,andalsomywife,toaskherwhenshewillreturnwithbatteries.Seventeenminutes,continuoustelephonecalls.”
“Okay,Iseethat,butsowhat?Youcould’vebeenonthephonewhileyouwereoutside,settingfireundertheoxygentube.”
Pakcouldn’thelpalittlesmileasheshookhishead.“No.Thatisimpossible.”
Abefrowned,pretendingtobemystified.“Why?”
“Thereisnocellreceptionnearoxygentank.Yes,infrontofthebarn.Notinback.Insideoroutside.Allmypatientsknowthis.Iftheywishtocall,theymustwalktofront.”
“Isee.Soyoucouldn’tbeanywherenearthefire’sstartingpointfrom8:05untiltheexplosion.Novicinity,noopportunity.”AbepoppedthemarkeropenandcrossedouthisnamenexttoOpportunitytocommitcrime.“Let’sturnto‘Specialknowledgeandinterest,’nexttowhichMs.Haughaswritten‘P.YOO.’”
Pakheardtittering,andhethoughtofAbe’sexplanationofthejuvenilehumorofthisabbreviation.“Intentional,I’msure.Ihatethatwoman,”Abehadsaid.
“Pak,asalicensedHBOToperator,youdidresearchHBOTfires,correct?”
“Yes.Iresearchedtolearnhowtoavoidfires.Improvesafety.”
“Thankyou.”UndertheP.YOOnexttoSpecialknowledgeandinterest,Abewrote(forgoodreason—safety)andsaid,“Wecometothelastremainingitem.Motive.Letmeaskstraight-out:Didyousetfiretoyourownbusinesswithyourpatientsinsideandyourfamilynearbytoget1.3milliondollars?”
Pakdidn’thavetofakelaughinginincredulityatthisnotion.“No.”Helookedatthejurors,focusinginontheolderfaces.“Ifyouhaveanychildren,youknow.Inever,neverriskmychildformoney.WecametoAmericaforourdaughter.Herfuture.Everythingisformyfamily.”Thejurorsnodded.“Iwasexcitedaboutmybusiness.MiracleSubmarine!Manyparentsofdisabledchildrencall,wehavewaitinglistforpatients.Wearehappy.Thereisnoreasontodestroythis.Why?”
“Isupposesomewouldanswer,1.3milliondollars.That’salotofmoney.”
Paklookeddownathisuselesslegsinthewheelchair,touchedthesteel—eveninthishotcourtroom,itremainedcold.“Thehospitalbills.Theyareone-half-milliondollars.Mydaughterwasinacoma.DoctorssaymaybeIneverwalkagain.”PaklookedatMary,hercheekswetfromtears.“No.1.3milliondollarsisnotalotofmoney.”
Abelookedatthejurors,alltwelvenowlookingatPakwithsympathyintheireyes,leaningforwardintheirseatstowardhimasiftheywantedtoreachacrosstherailingsandtouchhim,comforthim.AbetouchedthetipoftheredmarkertothePinP.YOOnexttoMotivetocommitcrime.Hestaredandshookhishead.Slowly,definitively,heputaredgashthroughPak’sname.
“Pak,”Abesaid,“MattThompsontoldusthatyouranintothefire,intotheburningchamber,multipletimes,evenafteryouwereseverelyinjured.Why?”
Thiswasnotonthescript,butstrangely,Pakdidnotfeelpanicathavingtogiveanunrehearsedanswer.Helookedtothegallery,toMattandTeresa,theotherpatientsbehindthem.Hethoughtofthechildren,Rosainthewheelchair,TJflappinghisarmslikeabird,butmostofall,Henry.ShyHenry,witheyesthatalwaysfloatedup,asiftetheredtothesky.“Thisismyduty.Mypatients.Imustprotectthem.Myharm,itdoesnotmatter.”PakturnedtoElizabeth.“ItriedtosaveHenry,butthefire…”
Elizabethlookeddown,asifinshame,andreachedforherwaterglass.Abesaid,“Thankyou,Pak.Iknowthisisdifficult.Onefinalquestion.Onceandforall,didyouhaveanythingwhatsoevertodowiththecigarette,thematches,anythingevenremotelyrelatedtosettingthefirethatkilledtwoofyourpatientsandnearlykilledyouandyourdaughter?”
HewasopeninghismouthtoanswerwhenhesawElizabeth’shandshakeslightlybringingthewatertohermouth.Itcametohimthen,thefamiliarimagethattoooftenwormeditswayoutoftherecessesofhismindtoinvadehisdreams:acigarettebetweenglovedfingers,shakingslightly,movingtowardamatchbookbeneaththeoxygentube.
Pakblinked.Hetookindeepbreathstocalmhisracingheart.Heremindedhimselftoforgetthatmoment,justrollitintoatightballandsmotheritaway.HelookedatAbeandshookhishead.Hesaid,“No,nothing.Nothingatall.”
YOUNG
WHENELIZABETH’SLAWYERSAID,“Goodafternoon,Mr.Yoo,”thememorythatrushedtoYoungwas,strangely,ofMary’sbirth.ItmusthavebeenthelookonPak’sface:everymuscleinhisfaceclenchedstillintotheemotionlessmaskofamanbracinghimselftohidehisfear.Itwasthesamelookhe’dhadnearlyeighteenyearsago(no,exactlyeighteenyearsago—Mary’sbirthdaywastomorrow,butitwasalreadytomorrowinSeoul,whereshe’dbeenborn)whenthedoctorcameinwithagravelookandwalkedthelengthofYoung’srecoveryroomwithoutaword.They’dhadtodoanemergencyhysterectomy,thedoctorsaid.Atleastthebaby’sfine,hesaid.Thebabywasagirl.Theyweresorry.(Orwasit,Thebabywasagirl—theyweresorry?)
LikemostKoreanmen,Pakhadwantedason,expectedone.He’dtriedtohidehisdisappointment;whenhisfamilybemoanedhismisfortuneinhisonlychildbeingagirl,hesaid,“She’sasgoodastensons.”Butalittletoofirmly,asiftryingtoconvincethemofsomethinghedidn’tquitebelieve.Youngheardthestraininhisvoice,thefalsebrightnesshe’dtriedtoinject,makinghisvoicehigher-pitchedthanusual.
Whichwasexactlyhowhesoundednow,saying,“Goodafternoon.”
Elizabeth’slawyerdidn’tspendanytimebutteringhimup,likeshehadwiththeothers.“Yousaidyou’veneverbeentoa7-Elevenaroundhere,isthatcorrect?”
“Yes.Ineversaw.Idonotknowthelocations,”Paksaid,andYoungsmiled.Abehadtoldhimnottosimplysay“yes,”thatthat’swhatsheneededtotraphim.Elaborate,explain,he’dsaid,andPakwasdoingjustthat.
Shannonloweredherchin,smiled,andsteppedtowardPaklikeahunterwithprey.“DoyouhaveanATMcard?”
“Yes.”Pakfrowned,probablymystifiedbythesuddenchangeintopic.
“Doesyourwifeusethatcard?”
Pak’sfrowndeepened.“No.Mywifehasseparatecard.”
Shannonhandedhimadocument.“Recognizethis?”
Pakflippedthrough.“Itismybankaccountstatement.”
“Pleasereadforusthehighlightedlinesunder‘ATMcashwithdrawals.’”
“June22,2008—tendollars.July6,2008—tendollars.July24,2008—tendollars.August10,2008—tendollars.”
“What’sthelocationforthosefourentries?”
“Itis108PrinceStreet,PineEdge,Virginia.”
“Mr.Yoo,doyourememberwhat’satthatlocation,108PrinceStreetinPineEdge?”
Paklookedup,hisfacescrunchedinconcentration,andshookhishead.“No.”
“Let’sseeifwecanrefreshyourrecollection.”Shannonplacedaposterontheeasel:apictureofa7-ElevenwithanATMunderitsorange-green-red-stripedawning.Clearlyvisibleontheglassdoorwastheaddress—108PrinceStreet,PineEdge,VA.Youngfeltsomethingdropinherstomachandgrindagainstherbowels.
Pakheldstill,buthisfacepaledintotheweatheredgrayofagravestone.
“Mr.Yoo,whatisnexttotheATMatthislocation?”
“7-Elevenisthere.”
“Youtestifiedthatyou’veneverbeentoorevenseena7-Elevennearby,andyetthere’soneattheATMyouusedfourtimeslastsummer.DoIhavethatright?”
“IdonotrememberthisATM.Inevergothere,”Paksaid.Hisfacelookedresolute,buttherewasdoubtinhisvoice.Couldthejuryhearit,too?
“Isthereanyreasontothinkyourbankstatementmightbewrong?Wasyourcardlostorstolenatalllastsummer?”
SomethingcametoPakthen.Athoughtthatexcitedhimandcausedhimtoopenhismouth.Butjustassuddenly,heclosedhismouthandloweredhiseyes.“No.Nostolen.”
“Soyouadmitthatyourbankrecordsproveyouwenttothis7-Elevenmultipletimes,butyouclaimyoudon’trememberbeingthere,isthatright?”
Paksaid,stilllookingdown,“Idonotremember.”
“Muchlikeyoucan’trememberbuyingcigaretteslastsummer?”
“Objection,badgeringthewitness,”Abesaid.
“Withdrawn,”Shannonsaid,andcontinued.“Didn’tyougoto7-ElevenonAugust26,merehoursbeforetheexplosion?”
“No!”OutragepoweredPak’svoiceandbroughtcolorbacktohisface.“Inevergoto7-Eleven.Never,andnotdayofexplosion.Ineverleavemybusinessallday.”
Shannonraisedherbrows.“Soyoudidn’tleaveyourpropertyatallthatday?”
Pakopenedhismoutheagerly,andYoungexpectedhimtosay“Yes!”butinstead,hismouthclosedandhisbodyslumpedlikeapuncturedblow-uptoy,losingairfast.Shannonsaid,“Mr.Yoo?”andPaklookedup.“Iremembernow,Iwentshopping.Weneededbabypowder.”Helookedatthejurors.“Weuseitonoxygenhelmetseal.Forsweat.Tokeepdry.”
YoungrememberedPaksayingtheyneededmorepowderbuthecouldn’tleavewiththeprotesterson-site.Andlater,beforethelastdive,he’dgrabbedcornstarchfromthekitchenasanalternativetopowder.Sowhywashelying?
“Wheredidyougo?”Shannonsaid.
“Walgreentogetbabypowder.ThenATMnearthere.”
“Mr.Yoo,pleasereadthelinedatedAugust26,2008,onyourbankstatement.”
Paknodded.“‘ATMcash.Onehundreddollars.12:48p.m.CreeksidePlaza,MiracleCreek,Virginia.’”
“That’stheATMyouwentto,afterWalgreens?”
“Yes.”Youngthoughtback.12:48,duringlunchbreak.He’daskedhertopreparelunchwhilehewenttoreasonwiththeprotestersoncemore.He’dreturnedtwentyminuteslater,sayinghe’dtriedandtheywouldn’tlisten.Hadhegoneouttotowninstead?Butwhy?Shannonputanotherpictureontheeasel.“IsthistheCreeksidePlazaATM?”
“Yes.”Thepictureshowedtheentire“plaza,”whichsoundedgrandbutwasactuallyjustthreestoresandfouremptystorefrontswith“ForLease”signs.TheATMwasinthecenter,nexttoPartyCentral.
“WhatIfindinterestingisthis7-Eleven,rightbehindthisplaza.Youseeit,right?”Shannonpointedattheunmistakablestripesinthecorner.
Pakdidn’tlookatthepicture,justsaid,“Yes.”
“IalsofinditinterestingthatyouwenttothisATM,milesawayfromWalgreens,eventhoughthere’sanATMinsideWalgreens,whichyouseemtouseregularly,basedonyourbankstatement.DoIhavethatright?”
“IdidnotrememberIneedcashuntilafterWalgreen.”
“It’sstrangehowyoudidn’trememberyouneededcashwhilepayingforpowder,withyourwalletout,atWalgreens,”Shannonsaid,thensmiledandstartedwalkingbacktohertable.
Paklookedupandsaid,“Walgreensellcigarettes.”
Shannonturned.“I’msorry?”
“YouthinkIusePlazaATMbecauseIgoto7-Elevenforcigarettes.ButifIwantcigarettes,whyIwouldnotbuyatWalgreen?”Ofcourse.Shannon’sargumentdidn’tholdup.YoungfeltathrilloftriumphatPak’slogic,athislookofpride,atthejurors’nodsathim.
Shannonsaid,“BecauseIdon’tthinkyouwenttoWalgreensthatday.Ithinkyouwentto7-EleventogetCamelsandwenttotheATMnearby,andWalgreensissomethingyoucameupwithtodaytoexplainwhyyouleftyourbusiness.”IfShannonhadshoutedthisorsaiditinagotcha!way,Youngcould’vedismisseditastherantingsofabiasedenemy.ButShannonsaiditgently,withtheregretfultoneofateachertellingakindergartnerhisanswerwaswrong—notwantingto,butforcedtobyduty—andYoungfoundherselfagreeing,knowingthatShannonwasright.Pakhadn’tgonetoWalgreens.Ofcoursehehadn’t.Butwherehadhegone,todowhat,thathe’dhiddenfromher,hiswife?
Abeobjected,andthejudgetoldthejurytodisregardthelastexchange.Shannonsaid,“Mr.Yoo,isn’tittruethatyousmokeddailyforabouttwentyyearsbeforelastsummer?”
Youngcouldalmosthearthewhirsinsidehisbraintryingtofigureouthowtoavoidtheresigned“Yes”heeventuallymuttered.
“Howdidyouquit?”Shannonsaid.
Pakfrowned,seemedpuzzled.“Ijust…notsmoke.”
“Really?Youmusthaveusedgumorpatches,surely.”TherewasanincredulityinShannon’svoice,butitwasn’thostile.Itwasgentle—admiring,even—andagain,YoungfoundherselfsympathizingwithShannon,questioning,howdidhemanagetocutoffatwenty-yearhabitsoeasily?Shecouldseethesamequestioninthejurors’faces.
“No.Ijuststop.”
“Youjuststopped.”
“Yes.”
ShannonlookedatPakforalongmoment,boththeireyesunblinkinglikeinastaringcontest.Shannonbrokethestare,blinked,andsaid,“Okay.Youjuststopped.”Thewayshesmiled,shemayaswellhavebeenamother,pattingherthree-year-old’shead,saying,Yousawapurpleelephantdancinginyourroom?Okay.Ofcourseyoudid,sweetheart.“Now,beforeyou”—shepaused—“quitsmoking,wasCamelyourfavorite?”
Pakshookhishead.“InKorea,IsmokeEsse,buttheydonotsellhere.InBaltimore,Ismokemanybrands.”
Shannonsmiled.“IfIweretoaskthedeliveryguysyoutooksmokingbreakswith—say,aMr.FrankFishel—wouldtheysayyouhadnofavoriteAmericanbrand?”FrankFishel,thenametheyhadn’trecognizedonthedefensewitnesslistAbeshowedthem.They’dknownthedeliveryguyasFrankie,hadneverknownhisfullname.
Abestood.“Objection.IfMs.Haugwantstoknowaboutotherpeople,sheshouldaskthem,notPak.”
“Oh,Iplanto.FrankFishelisreadytodrivedownfromBaltimore.Butyou’reright,Iwithdrawmyquestion.”ShannonturnedtoPak.“Mr.Yoo,whatbranddidyoutellotherswasyourfavoriteAmericancigarette?”
Pakshuthismouthandglared,lookinglikearecalcitrantboyrefusingtoacceptresponsibilityforsomenaughtydeeddespiteobviousproof.
“YourHonor,”Shannonsaid,“pleasedirectthewitnesstoanswer—”
“Camel,”Pakspatout.
“Camels.”Shannonlookedsatisfied.“Thankyou.”
Younglookedatthejurors.TheywerefrowningatPak,shakingtheirheads.IfPakhadadmitteditrightaway,theymighthavebelieveditwasacoincidence,butPak’snearrefusalhadtransformeditintosomethingofsignificanceintheireyesandhersaswell.CouldthecigaretteundertheoxygentubebePak’s,onehe’dboughtearlierthatday?Butwhy?
Asifinanswer,Shannonsaid,“Youwereangrywiththeprotesters,weren’tyou?”
“Maybenotangry.Ididnotlikethembotheringmypatients,”Paksaid.
Shannonpickedupafilefromherdesk.“Accordingtoapolicereport,thedayaftertheexplosion,youaccusedtheprotestersofsettingthefireandyoustated,quote,‘TheythreatenedtodowhateverittooktoshutdownHBOT.’”Shannonlookedup.“Isthereportcorrect?”
Paklookedawayforamoment.“Yes.”
“Andyoubelievedtheirthreats,right?Afterall,theycausedthepoweroutage,disruptingyourbusiness,andevenasthepoliceweretakingthemaway,theypromisedtoreturnandkeepatituntiltheyshutyoudownforgood,right?”
Pakshrugged.“Itdoesnotmatter.MypatientsbelieveinHBOT.”
“Mr.Yoo,isn’tyourpatients’beliefinyoubasedonyourexperienceworkingatanHBOTfacilityinSeoulforoverfouryears?”
Pakshookhishead.“Mypatientsseeresults.Thechildrenimprove.”
“Isn’tittrue,”Shannoncontinued,“thattheprotestersthreatenedtodigupanythingtheycouldonyou,andsaidthey’dcontactthecenterinSeoulwhereyouworked?”
Pakdidn’tsayanything.Hisjawclenched.
“Mr.Yoo,iftheexplosionhadn’thappenedandtheyhad,infact,contactedthecenter’sowner,whatwouldMr.Byeong-ryoonKimhavetoldthem?”
Abeobjectedandthejudgesustained.Pakdidn’tmove,didn’tblink.
“Thefactis,”Shannonsaid,“youwerefiredforincompetencelessthanayearintoyourjob,morethanthreeyearspriortocomingtoAmerica,isn’tthatright?Andiftheprotestersdiscoveredthatandexposedyourliestoyourpatients,yourbusinesscouldgodownthetubes,leavingyouwithnothing.Andyoucouldn’tletthathappen,isn’tthatso?”
No,thatcouldn’tbe.ButYoungsawPak’sface,deeppurplewithfury—no,shame,thewayhiseyeswerecastdownward,unabletomeetYoung’sgaze—andrememberedPaktellinghernottousehisworke-mailanymore,thattherewasanewruleforbiddingpersonale-mails.AsAbeobjectedandPakshoutedthatheneverharmedhispatientsandthejudgepoundedthegavel,Younghadtolookaway.Hereyeswhirledaroundthecourtroomandstoppedonthepictureontheeasel,theglareofsunlightgleamingoffsomethingshinyinthePartyCentralwindow.She’dpasseditontheirwaytocourtyesterday,andifsheclosedhereyes,shecouldalmostpretenditwasstillyesterday,backwhensheknewnothingofherhusband’ssecretsandliesandshe’dbeenwonderinghowmuchitwouldcosttogetstreamersandballoonsforMary’sbirthday.
Balloons.Young’seyessnappedopenatthethought,zoomedtotheeasel.Inthepicture,youcouldn’tmakeoutwhatinthedisplaywasgivingofftheglare.Butyesterday,drivingby,Younghadseenthem,floatinglazilyinside,nexttotheATM:shiny,metallicMylarballoonswithstarsandrainbows.Justliketheonesthatblewoutthepowerlinesonthedayoftheexplosion.
WHENMARY(thenMeh-hee)wasayearold,afterYoungtoldhimoftheirbaby’sgleeatseeingballoonsforthefirsttime,Pakbroughtsomehomefromaworkevent,carryingthemonthecrowdedsubwayandbus.Thismadehimlategettinghome—hesaidhe’dhadtowaitmorethanthirtyminutesforthetrainstoclearsotheywouldn’tpop—butwhenhegothome,Meh-heesquealedwithdelight,toddledonherfatlegsacrosstheroom,andwrappedhertinyarmsaroundtheballoons,asiftohugthem.Pakguffawedandactedlikeaclown,boppingtheballoonsagainsthisheadwhilemakinggoofynoises,asYoungstoodby,wonderingwhothismanwas,notatallwhoshe’dassumedhimtobeuntilthatmoment(andwhohecontinuedtobeexceptaroundtheirdaughter):apractical,seriousmanwhotriedtoexudeanairofquietdignity,whorarelytoldjokesorlosthimselfinlaughter.
Itwasthesamefeelingshehadnow,lookingatPakandtellingherselfthatthisman—glaringatShannonwithveinspoppinginhisforeheadandsweatdampeninghishairintoadroopyflop—wasthesamemanwho’dbroughthomeballoonsbiggerthantheirbaby’shead.Exceptbackthen,thehe’s-a-different-man-than-I-thoughtrealizationhadbeenfigurative—thewelcomediscoveryofapreviouslyunseensideofherhusband—whereasnowitwasliteral:Pakhadnot,infact,beenwhatshethoughthewas,thewellness-centermanagerandHBOTexperthepretendedtobe.
AsPakwheeleddownfromthestandforrecess,Youngtriedtocatchhiseyes,butheavoidedher.HelookedalmostrelievedwhenAbesteppedin,sayingtheyneededtoprepareforhisredirect,andwheeledhimawaywithoutaglanceherway.
Redirect.MorequestionstoPak,moreliesexplainingawaythelieshe’dalreadytold.Youngfeltherstomachchurn,acidlurchingupheresophagustothebackofherthroat.Shebentforward,tryingtoholddownthecontentsofherstomach,andswallowedhard.Sheneededtogetoutofhere;shecouldn’tbreathe.
YounggrabbedherpurseandtoldMaryshedidn’tfeelwell.Mustbesomethingsheate,shesaid,andhurriedout,tryingnottostumble.SheknewsheshouldtellMarywhereshewasgoing,butshedidn’tknowherself.Sheonlyknewsheneededtogetaway.Rightnow.
SHEWASDRIVINGtoofast.TheroadoutofPineburgwasanunpavedcountryroadthat,onrainydaysliketoday,turnedmuddyandslippery.Butitfeltcalmingtotakethehairpincurvesattopspeed,havingtoturnthesteeringwheelwithbothhandswhilepumpingthebrake,theout-of-controlexhilarationofherbodyslidingintothedoor.IfPakwerehere,he’dyellathertoslowdown,drivelikeapropermother,buthewasfarawayandYoungwasalone.Alonetofocusonthefeelofthetirescrunchingthegravelbeneath,therainpatteringonthecar’srooftop,thethicktreesformingatunnelhighoverhead.Hernauseaabatedandshecouldbreatheagain.
Whenthecreekalongsidetheroadwasbloated,liketoday,itremindedherofPak’shomevillageoutsideBusan.She’dsaidthisonce,butPaksaidnottoberidiculous,itwasnothinglikehisvillage,andheaccusedherofbeingacitypersontowhomanythingremotelyruralalllooksthesame.Anditwastruethattherewerevineyardshereinsteadofricepaddies;deer,notgoats.Butthewatercoveringthericepaddies—thatwastheexactshadeMiracleCreekturnedduringstorms:thelightbrownofoldchocolategonecrumbly.Thatwasthethingaboutbeingnowherelikethis;therewasnothingtoorientyoutoplaceandtime,andyoucouldbetransportedtotheothersideoftheglobe,toatimelongpast.
IthadbeeninPak’svillagewherethey’dhadtheirfirstfight.They’dgonerightaftertheirengagement,topayrespectstohisparents.Pakwasnervous;hewasconvincedthatshe,who’dalwayslivedinhigh-riseswithindoorplumbingandcentralheating,wouldhatehishome.WhatPakdidn’tunderstandwasthatsheactuallylikedhisvillage,thetranquilityofescapingthechemical-scentedsmogandconstructionnoisesfromeverycornerofSeoulasitremadeitselffortheOlympics.Steppingoutsidethecarinthevillage,shesmelledthesweetstenchofcompost—likekimchiwhenyoufirstopenedthesealedjarafterdaysoffermentation.Shescannedthehills,thekidsrunningaroundthecreekbedswheretheirmomswerewashingclothesonwoodenboards,andsaid,“It’shardtobelieveyoucomefromaplacelikethis.”Paktookitasbelittling,asconfirmationofhislong-simmeringbeliefthatYoung’sfamily(and,byextension,Youngherself)regardedhimas“beneath”her,wheninfactYoungmeantitasacompliment,atributetohisraisinghimselffromsqualortotheuniversity.ThefighthadendedwithPaksayinghewasgoingtorefuseherfather’sofferofadowryaswellasthesalesjobatheruncle’selectronicscompany.“Idon’tneedcharity,”he’dsaid.
Rememberingthisnow,Younggrippedthesteeringwheel.Somethingranacrosstheroad—araccoon?—andsheveered,sendingatirethumpingofftheroadandthecarskiddingtowardagiantoak.Shebrakedhardandturned,butthecarkeptsliding,slipping,slowingtooslowly.Shepulledontheparkingbrake.Thecarlurchedtoastop,andherheadjerkedback.
Thetreetrunkwasdirectlyinfrontofthecar,centimetersawayfromthebumper,and—yes,sheknewitwasinappropriate,butshecouldn’thelpit—sheguffawed.Itmusthavebeenthepanicandrelief,mixingintoabizarresenseoftriumph.Invincibility.Shebreathedtocalmherselfdown,watchingtherainwatermeanderaroundthetree’sknotsandgnarls,andshethoughtofPak,herproudhusband,firedlessthanayearafterhisfamilyleftforanothercountry.They’dtalkedinfrequentlyinthosefouryearsofseparation—internationalcallswereexpensiveandtheirworkschedulesincompatible—andsheherselfhadavoidedbadnewsinthosecalls.Wasshesurprisedthathehadn’twantedtoexposehisshameoverthephoneorinane-mail?Sittinghere,awayfromtheimmediacyofhershockathisdeceit,Young’sangerbegantocrumbleawayattheedges,displacedbysympathy.Yes,shecouldseehoweasyitwouldhavebeentojustifykeepingsilentaboutsomethinghappeningliterallyaworldaway,somethingshecouldhavedonenothingabout.Maybeshecouldevenforgiveit.
Butbeyondallthat,therewasstillthematteroftheballoons.Thethingwas,PakknewMylarballoonscouldshortpowercircuits.ProbablyeveryKoreanparentdid.Householditemscausingelectricalaccidentswerepopularscience-fairentriesinKorea—aboyhadwonMary’sfifth-gradecompetitionwithanexhibitfeaturingMylarballoons,hairdryersfallingintubs,andwornpowercordsstartingfires—andshe’dbeensurprisedthatmostAmericansseemedtohavenoidea.(Thenagain,Americawaslowoninternationalscience-educationrankings.)AndPakhadbeenataballoonstorewithinhoursoftheoutage.Butdidthatmeanhecausedit?Itmadenosense.AndwhatofPak’ssmoking?Afewtimeslastsummer,shethoughtshesmelledsmoking,butithadbeensofaint,she’dthoughtitmustbefromneighborswalkingtheirdogsandsmokingnearby.AndifhereallyhadlosthisjobinKorea,howhadhemanagedtosaveupsomuchmoneybeforecomingtoAmerica?
Sheshuthereyesandshookherheadhard,hopingtoclearthesethoughts,butthequestionsseemedtobounceoffherskullintooneanother,multiplyingwitheachimpactandtearingintoherbrain,leavingherdizzy.Asquirreljumpedontohercarhoodandpeeredthroughthewindshield,itsheadtiltedsidewayslikeachildexaminingfishinabowlandasking,Whatintheworldareyoudoing?
Sheneededanswers.Shereleasedthebrakes,backedawayfromthetree,andfacedtheroad.Ifsheturnedleft,shecouldgetbacktothecourthousebeforerecesswasover,backtoherhusband’sside.Buttherewouldbenoanswersthere.Onlymorelies,leadingtomorequestions.Andnow,whenMaryandPakwerebothaway,wastheperfectopportunity,theonlyopportunity,todowhatsheneeded.Nomorewaitingtobefedsomeoneelse’svague,nonsensicalanswers.Nomorewatchingandtrusting.
Sheturnedright.Sheneededtosearchfortheanswers.Onherown.
THESTORAGESHEDwasontheedgeoftheirproperty,withinspittingdistanceoftheutilitypolewheretheballoonsgotstuckthatday.WhenYoungsteppedinside,smellsshecouldn’tbegintoidentifyassaultedher,pungent,dank,andsour.Therainpeltedthealuminumroofinfastmicro-beatslikesnaredrumming,andwaterdrippedthroughcracksontotherottingfloorboardsinbass-drumbeats.Toolsanddeadleaveslitteredtheground,camouflagedbyashroudofdust,rust,andmold,whichhadcongealedintogreen-blackslimeinthecorners.
Shewonderedhowlongshe’dhavetostandstillbeforespidersstartedcrawlingonher.Oneyearofneglect—adrizzlyautumnfollowedbyonehurricane,foursnowstorms,andasummerofrecord-shatteringhumiditylevels.ThatwasallithadtakentotransformtheiryearsinSeoulandBaltimoreintothispileofforgottenitemsinvaryingstatesofdecay.Therewasnoatticorclosetintheirshack.IfPakwashidinganything,ithadtobehere.
Shewalkedtothecornerpileofthreemovingboxesandpulledoffthetrashbagontop,itsformertransparencyveiledbydriedcobwebs.Chalkydustroselikemistbeforetheair’sdampnessweigheditdownintoafreefall,andYoungsmelledsomethingdank,likeearthburieddeepgettingdugupandhittingairforthefirsttime.
Itwasinthethirdbox—thebottomone,theleastaccessible—thatshefoundit.Thetoptwoboxeswerenearlyempty,butthethirdwasfullofoldphilosophytextbooksshe’dforgottenshe’dkept.Ifshe’djustriffledthrough,she’dhavemissedtheitem,wrappedneatlyinsideapaperbagandnestledbetweensimilarlysizedbooks:thetincasefromthegrocerystorewheretheystoredloosecigarettesfromdamagedpacks,whichshe’dhadtheideatosellforfiftycentsapiece.Aftersheinformedthewelfarecustomersthatfoodstampscouldn’tbuycigarettesbutthatshecouldn’tpreventtheirusingchangefromfood-stamppurchasestobuysingles,saleswentwayupandshestartedhavingtoopenperfectlyfinepackstokeepupwithdemand.
Thelasttimeshe’dseenthiscasewasduringtheirmovehere.Ithadbeenontopofsweaterswaitingtobepacked,andshe’dopenedittoseeitfullofloosecigarettes.SheaskedPakwhyhewasbringingit—hadn’thesaidhewasquitting?—andhesaidhedidn’twanttothrowawayperfectlygoodcigarettes,theremustbeahundredinthere.“What,you’resavingcigarettestopassdowntoourgrandkids?”Shelaughed.Hesmiled,hiseyesnotmeetinghers,andshetoldhimthatactually,itwaspartofthestoreinventory,whichbelongedtotheowners.Sheaskedhimtoputitwiththethingstheyneededtoreturn.Thatwasthelasttimeshe’dseenthecase—inBaltimore,inPak’shands,ashetookittodelivertotheKangs.Andnowhereitwas,inanotherstate,deliberatelyhiddenfromview.
Youngtookthetincaseoutofthepaperbagandyankedopenthelid.Likethelasttimeshesawit,slimrollsofcigarettesneatlylinedtheboxlikesoldiers,butontopweretwopacksofDoublemintgum(Pak’sfavorite)andatravel-sizecanofFebreze(“ELIMINATESODORS”).
Youngslappedthelidshutandlookedatthemovingbox.Whatelsewashidinginthere?
Shepickedupthewholebox.Itwasheavy,itsbottomgrimywithmold,butshegrippedtighter,lifted,andturneditupsidedown.Everythingfellout,sendingaplumeofdustupanddriedcobwebsscatteringallaround.Shehurledtheemptyboxatthewall—itfeltgood,hearingitsmack,thoughnotassatisfyingasthedeepthudsoftheheavybookspummelingtheground,oneaftertheother—andscannedtheitemslookingfor…what?Receiptsforballoons?Matchesfrom7-Eleven?H-Martnotes?Something.Buttherewasnothing.JustKoreanbooks,allaroundher,sometornfromtheimpactofthefall,andonetrioofbooksthathadsomehowfallentogether,asifglued,andendedupinaneatstack.
Youngsteppedovertothethreebooks.Oncecloser,shecouldsee:themiddlebookwasn’tlyingflat.Somethingwasinsideit,makingitbulge.Shetouchedthetopbookwithhersandal’stip—cautiously,asifthebookswerepoisonoussnakesthatlookeddeadbutmightsimplybesleeping—andkickedwithjustenoughforcetoknockitoffthetower.Shebentdownandreachedforthesecondbook,nowontop.JohnRawls’sATheoryofJustice,herfavoritebookincollege.Whichmeantthethingmakingitbulgemustbe—yes,openingthebook,shecouldseethefamiliarpaperfoldedinside—hernotesforhermaster’sthesiscomparingRawls,Kant,andLockeasappliedtoRaskolnikovinCrimeandPunishment.She’dneverfinishedit;she’dstoppedathermother’sinsistence(“Nohusbandwantsawifemoreeducatedthanhim;itwouldhumiliatehim!”),andshe’dforgottenshe’dkeptit.Sheflungittothesideandflippedthroughthebottombook.Nothing.
Itwasn’tuntilYoungcheckedallthebooksthatsherealizedshe’dbeenholdingherbreath.Sheclosedhereyesandbreathedout,relievedbytheexpulsionofstaleairfromherlungs,thetinglingofherfingersthatmeantoxygenwasresaturatingherbody.She’dexpectedtofindsomethingelse,beensureofittothepointofdread.Butreally,whathadshefound?EvidencethatPakhadn’tquitsmokingandhadpilfered(ifyoucouldcallitthat)fiftydollars’worthofcigarettes?Sowhat?Yes,hekeptsecretsfromtimetotime.Whathusbanddidn’t?Hesmoked,andaftertheexplosion,hedecidedtohidehissmokingoutoffearofbeingunfairlyjudged.Wasthatsowrong?
Shecheckedherwatch.2:19.Timetoreturntocourt.She’dtakethetincaseandfindaquiettimetoconfrontPakaboutit.No,notconfront—thatwastooharshaword.Ask.Discuss.Yes,she’dshowittohimandseewhathe’dsay.
Reachingforthetincase,herhandsshookslightly,andshehadtochuckleatherself,thelevelofpanicshe’dworkedherselfupto,sosureshe’duncoverincontrovertibleevidenceofherhusbandasaliar.No,itwasmorethanthat.Nowthatthemomentwasover,shecouldadmitit;she’dactuallyexpectedtofindproofthatherhusband,thegentlemanwholovedherandtheirdaughter,themanwhojumpedintofireforhispatients,wasamurderer.“Sahr-een.Bang-hwa,”Youngsaid,outloud.Murder.Arson.Shefeltsmallforhavingthoughtit,havingallowedittoenterevenherunconscious.Abadwife.
Shegrabbedthecaseandpickedupthepaperbagitcamein.Sheopenedthebagtoputthecasebackinsideitwhenshenoticedsomething.Shereachedin.ItwasapamphletinKorean,RequirementsforReentrytoSouthKorea,paper-clippedtothebusinesscardofaRealtorinAnnandaleandahandwrittennoteinKorean:Howexcitingthatyou’removingback.Ihopethepamphletishelpful.Enclosedaresomelistingsmeetingyourrequirements.Pleasecallanytime.
Astapleddocumentwasbehindthepamphlet.ListingsofapartmentsinSeoul,allforunitswithimmediateavailability.Sheturnedbacktothefirstpage.NexttoSearchdatewas08/08/19.TheKoreandateformatforAugust19,2008.
Exactlyaweekbeforetheexplosion,PakhadbeenplanningtomovethembacktoKorea.
TERESA
TWODAYSAFTERTHEEXPLOSION,sheoverheardpeoplediscussing“TheTragedy,”astheycalleditinthoseinitialdays.She’dbeeninthehospitalcafeteria,drinkingcoffee—orrather,stirringandpretendingtodrinkit.
“It’samiracletwoofthosekidssurvived,”saidawoman’svoice—low-pitchedandraspy,whichTeresawassurewasdeliberate,awomantryingtosoundeithersexyorlikeaman.
“Yup,sureis,”aman’svoiceresponded.
“Makesyouthink,though—Godsurehasastrangesenseofhumor.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Well,thekidwho’sprettymuchnormalistheonewhoendsupdead,whiletheautistickid’sinjuredbutlives,andthekidwithseverebraindamageistotallyfine.It’sironic.”
Teresafocusedonherstirring,circlingthespoonfasterandfaster,thewhitebitsofcongealedcreamsweptupinitstorrents.Shecouldalmostheartheliquidrushdownthespiral;abuzzingwhirlfilledherears,overtakingthecafeterianoise.Shestirredfaster,harder,ignoringthecoffeesplashingovertherimandwettingherhands,willingthecoffeecyclonetoreachthebottomofthemug.
Somethingknockedthespoonoutofhergrip.Sheblinkedand,somehow,themugwasonitsside,thecoffeeeverywhere.Thebuzzingended,andinthesilencesheheardanechoofaclang,likeanauditoryafterimage.Shelookedup.Everyonewaslookingather,nooneandnothingmovingexceptforthespilledcoffeecreepingoutwardtowardthetable’sedge.
“Here,ma’am.Youokay?”thelow-pitchedwomansaid,slappingdownnapkinstoformadambetweenthecoffeeandtheedge.Thewomanhandedherone,andTeresasaid,“Sorry.Imean,thanks.”Thewomansaid,“It’snothing.”SheputherhandonTeresa’sandsaidagain,“Itwasnothing,really,”hereyesslidingdownwardandaflushbloomingonhercheeks,andTeresaknewsherecognizedherasthemomoftheironicallyfinegirl.
Thelow-pitchedwomanturnedouttobeDetectiveMorganHeights,andTeresasawhernow,walkingtocourtafterlunch.Forsomereasonshecouldn’tunderstand,Teresafeltahotflushofshameeverytimesherememberedthedetective’swordsinthecafeteria,whateveryoneprobablythought:thatRosa,byvirtueofbeingthemostdisabled,should’vebeentheonewhodied.Howfairthatwould’vebeen.Howlogical.Clean.Getridofthedefectivekidwiththeravagedbrain,theonewhocan’ttalkorwalk,theonewhomightaswellbedeadanyway.
TeresapositionedherumbrellatohideherselffromDetectiveHeights.Standinginlinetoenterthecourthouse,sheheardsomeonesay,“Theymightinstitutionalizehim.Hesaysthefecalsmearing’sgottenworse.Andtheschool’shavingtouseastraitjacket,hisheadbanging’sgottensobad.”Anothervoicesaid,“Poorthing.He’slosthismother.Nowonderhe’sactingout,but—”Threeteenagersgotinline,drowningoutthevoiceswiththeirloudchatter.
TJ.Fecalsmearing.Kitthadtalkedaboutitonce,duringadive.ElizabethhadbeendiscussingHenry’s“newautismbehavior,”perseveratingaboutrocks,whenKittsaid,“YouknowwhatIdidforfourhoursyesterday?Icleanedupshit.Literally.TJ’snewthingisfecalsmearing.Hetakesoffhisdiaperandsmearsshit—walls,curtains,rug,everything.Youhavenocluewhatit’slike.YousayingTJandHenrybothhaveautism,they’rethesame—it’soffensivetome.YoucomplainthatHenrycan’tsustaineyecontact,can’treadfaces,doesn’thaveenoughfriends?Youthinkthat’sheartbreaking,andyeah,maybeitis.There’sheartbreakinparentingeveryday.Kidsgetteased,breakbones,don’tgetinvitedtoparties,andwhenthathappenstomygirls,ofcourseIfeelheartbreakandcrywiththem.Butthatnormalstuff,that’snowherenearwhatIhavetogothroughwithTJ,noteveninthesamefrigginggalaxy.”
Theydidthisoften,spataboutthecomparativedifficultiesoftheirkids’symptoms—thespecial-needsversionofparentalbraggingwars—andTeresaalwaysthrewinoneofherworries,likethepossibilityofRosadyingfromchokingonsalivaorsepsisfrombedsores,whichusuallyshutthemupprettyquick.ButlisteningtoKitt’sstory,imaginingthestench,filth,andmiseryofcleanup,Teresawasstumped.FecalsmearingmightbetheonethingforwhichtherewasnocounterstorytomakeKittthink,Atleastmylifeisn’tthatbad
AndnowKittwasdead,herburdenshiftedtoherhusband,andhewassendingTJaway.TeresathoughtofRosainaninstitution,inasterileroomlinedwithsteelbeds,andshewantedtorunhomeandkissherdimples.Shelookedatherwatch.2:24.Therewasjustenoughtimetocallhome.TotellRosashelovedherandlistentohersay“Ma,”againandagain.
TERESATRIEDTOpayattention.Pak’sredirectwasimportant;Shannonhadraiseddisturbingquestionsthat,basedonthesnippetssheheardduringrecess,hadpeoplewaveringforthefirsttimesincethetrialbegan.Butwhenitstarted,everyoneturnedtotheemptyseatnexttoMaryandwhisperedaboutwhereYoungwasandwhatherabsencemeant.(“Meetingwithadivorcelawyer’smybet,”amanbehindhersaid.)ThroughoutPak’sredirect—moreemphaticdenialsabout7-Elevenandcigarettes,aswellashisexplanationthathegotfiredformoonlighting,notincompetence,andgotanotherHBOT-centerjobrightaway—TeresalookedatMary,sittingbetweentheemptyspacesusuallyoccupiedbyherparents,alone.Seventeen,likeRosa,butherfacesocrinkledwithworriedconcentrationthatherscarappearedtobeitsonlysmoothportion.
ThefirsttimeTeresasawMary’sscarwasrightafterthecafeteriacoffee-spillingincident.She’dtoldherselfsheshouldvisittolendsupporttoYoung,butthefactwas,she’dwantedtoseeMaryinacoma.WatchingMarythroughthewindow-blindslats,bandagesonherfaceandtubesstickingoutofherbody,Teresathoughthowthelow-pitchedwomanhadbeenwrong:therewerefourkidsinvolved,notthree.WhatwouldthewomansaywithMaryintheequation?Yes,Henrywas“prettymuchnormal”comparedwithRosaandTJ,butMarywasasperfectasyoucouldget:pretty,goodgrades,boundforcollege.Whichwouldbethebiggerirony,thebiggertragedy,tothewoman:analmost-pass-for-normalboybeingburnedalive,oranactuallynormalgirlwindingupinacoma,herabove-averagefacescarredandabove-averagebrainpossiblydamaged?
TeresawentinandhuggedYoung—tightly,foralongtime,thewaypeopledoatfunerals,insharedgrief.Youngsaid,“Ithinkagainandagain,shewashealthyjustlastweek.”
Teresanodded.Shehatedwhenpeoplecommiseratedbytellingtheirownstories,soshekeptquiet,butsheunderstood.Whenfive-year-oldRosagotsick,she’dsatbyherhospitalbed,strokingherarmlikeYoungwaswithMary,thinkinginanendlessloop,Butshewasfinejusttwodaysago.She’dbeenonabusinesstripwhenRosagotsick.Thenightbeforethetrip,whenRosacamedownstairstosaygoodnight,she’dbeenholdingthethen-squirmytoddlerCarlosonherlap,clippinghisfingernails,soshe’dsaid,“Goodnight,sweetie.Loveyou,”notlookingup—thatwasthepartthatkilledher,thatshedidn’tlookatherdaughterduringthis,theirlastnormalmomenttogether—andtiltedherheadforRosa’skiss.TheclickofCarlos’snailsbeingcut,thebubble-gumsmellofRosa’stoothpaste,thestickysmackoflipsagainsthercheeks,thenaquick,“Night,Mommy.Night,Carlos”—thiswasTeresa’slastmemoryofpre-illnessRosa.Thenexttimeshesawher,thegirlwhocouldsingandjumpandsay“Night,Mommy”wasgone.
Soyes,TeresacouldunderstandtheutterincomprehensionYoungwassurelyfeeling.AndwhenYoungsaid,“Thedoctorsaystheremaybebraindamage,shemayneverwakeup,”Teresagrippedherhandsandcriedwithher.Butunderthejoltofherpainandempathy(andshedidacheforYoung,shetrulydid),therewasapartofher—thetiniest,mostminutepart,justone-tenthofonecelldeepwithinherbrain—thatwasglad,actuallyhappy,thatMarywasinacomaandmightenduplikeRosa.
Itwasundeniable:Teresawasabadperson.Shedidn’tunderstandpeoplesaying,“Iwouldn’twishthatonmyworstenemy”;nomatterhowmuchshetoldherselfshewouldn’t,shouldn’t,wishherlifeonanyone,thereweremomentswhenshewantedeveryparentalivetogothroughwhatshedid.Disgustedbyherthoughts,shetriedtojustifyit;ifRosa’sbrain-robbingvirusbecameanepidemic,surelybillionsofdollarswouldbespentonacure,andallchildrenwouldberestoredinshortorder.Butsheknew—itwasn’tforRosa’sbenefitthatshewishedforcontagionofhertragedy.Itwasenvy,pureandsimple.Sheresentedbeingtargetedformiseryalone,begrudgedherfriendswhocamebywithcasserolestocrywithherforanhourbeforerushingtheirkidstosoccerandballet,andifshecouldn’treturntohernormallife,thenbyGod,shewantedtoslapeveryoneofftheirpedestalofnormalcy,sotheycouldshareherburdenandmakeherfeellessalone.
ShetriednottothinkthiswithYoung.ForthetwomonthsofMary’scoma,shevisitedeveryweek.SometimesshebroughtRosatositwithMarywhileshetalkedtoYoung.Itwasstrange,seeingthetwogirlstogether—Marybandaged,lyingwithhereyesclosed,andRosainawheelchair,aboveher—forthefirsttimeasequals,almostlikefriends.
ThedayMarycameoutofthecoma,Teresahadbeenalone.WhensheopenedMary’sdoor,shesawdoctorssurroundingherbedand,throughthebodies,Mary,sittingup,eyesopen.Youngtackledher,theforceofherhugpushingTeresaagainstthewall,andsaid,“Shewokeup!Sheisfine.Herbrainisokay.”Teresatriedtoreturnherhug,totellYounghowwonderfulthiswas,amiracle,butitwasasifinvisibleropeswerebindingherarms,forminganoosearoundherneck,chokingherandsendingtinglesupherthroattohersinuses,bringingtearstohereyes.
Youngdidn’tnotice.BeforerushingbacktoMary,shesaid,“Thankyou,Teresa.Youarehereformeallofthetime.Youareagoodfriend.”Teresanoddedandslowlybackedoutoftheroom.Shewentintothebathroom,walkedintoastall,andlockedit.ShethoughtofYoung’swords—“goodfriend,”she’dcalledher.Sheputherhandonherstomach,triedtoswallowbacktheenvyandfuryandhatredshefeltforthewomanwho’dhuggedhersotightlyithadhurt.Shetriedtorememberthatthiswaswhatshe’dprayedfor.Thenshetookoffherjacket,balleditup,andscreamedandcriedintoit,flushingoverandoveragainsothatnoonecouldhear.
YOUNGENTEREDthecourtroomjustasDetectiveMorganHeightsstartedtestifying.Younglookedsick.Hernormallypeachskinlookedcoatedinadullfilmofash,likealongtimehospitalpatient’s,andasYoungshuffleddowntheaisle,hereyessotiredherlidsdrooped,Teresafeltapangofguilt.SheneverwentbacktovisitafterMarywokeupfromhercoma.ThishadcoincidedwiththestartofRosa’scord-bloodtherapy,soTeresahadanexcuse,butstill,sheknewthesuddendrop-offhadbewilderedYoung,andshefeltadeepshameathavingabandonedafriendbecauseherchildgothealthy.Wasthatwhyshe’dturnedhersupporttoElizabeth,whenYoungneededhermost—topunishherforMary’sreturntohealth?
Abuzzofwhisperseruptedinthegallery.Shannonwasstanding,saying,“Irenewmyobjectiontothisentirelineofquestioning,YourHonor.It’shearsay,irrelevant,andhighlyprejudicial.”Thejudgesaid,“Notedandoverruled.Detective,youmayanswer.”
DetectiveHeightssaid,“Theweekbeforetheexplosion,awomancalledtheChildProtectiveServiceshotlineonAugust20,2008,at9:33p.m.,toreportthatawomannamedElizabethwassubjectingherson,Henry,toillegal,dangerousmedicaltreatments,includingonecalledIVchelation,whichhadrecentlykilledseveralchildren.ThecallerstatedthatElizabethwasstartingatreatmentinvolvingdrinkingbleach,whichworriedhergreatly.Shedidnotknowtheirlastname,northeiraddress.I’malicensedpsychologistandouroffice’sinvestigativeliaisontoCPS,soIwasassignedtoinvestigate.”
“Whowasthecaller?”Abesaid.
“Thecallwasanonymous,butwe’vesincelearnedthatthecallerwasRuthWeiss,oneoftheprotesters.”Ruth.Theonewiththesilverbob.Teresalookedather,sittinginthebackwithherfaceflushed,andwantedtoslapher.Whatacoward.Anonymousaccusations,withnorepercussions,noresponsibility.Again,shethoughtofthemlurkingbehindthebarn,waitinguntiltheperfecttimetosetthefirewhentheyexpectedtheoxygentobeoff.SheneededtotellShannonhertheory,howtheyknewtheexactHBOTschedule.
Abesaid,“HowdidyoufindElizabethandHenry?”
“ThecallerknewwhereHenrywenttosummercampfromonlinechats.Iwentthereatdismissalthenextday,butElizabethwasn’tthere.AfriendwaspickingupHenry.IexplainedwhyIwasthere,andaskedifsheknewaboutthesemedicaltreatments.”
“Whatdidthisfriendsay?”
“Shewouldn’tsayanythingatfirst,butIpressed,andsheadmittedtobeingconcernedthatElizabethseemedobsessed—thatwasherword,obsessed—withtreatmentsHenrydidn’tneed.ShesaidHenrywasa‘quirkykid’—again,herwords—andhehadissuesbeforebuthewasfinenow,andyetElizabethkepttryingeveryautismtreatmentthatpoppedup.Thefriendsaidshehadmajoredinpsychology,andshewonderedifElizabethhadMunchausenbyproxy.”
“What’sMunchausenbyproxy?”
“It’sapsychologicaldisordersometimesreferredtoas‘medicalabuse.’Itinvolvesacaretakerexaggerating,fabricating,orevencausingmedicalsymptomsinachildtogetattention.”
“Wasthattheextentofthisfriend’sworries?”
“No.WhenIpressedformore,shesaid—again,veryreluctantly—thatthecampteachersaidthecatscratchesonHenry’sarmswerehurtinghim,sotheyappliedointmentandbandages.ThefriendwasconfusedbecauseHenrydoesn’thavecats,butshedidn’tsayanything.”
Teresarememberedseeingscratches,too.OnHenry’supperleftarm,dottedlinesofredwherethebloodvesselshadburstinspots.ElizabethhadnoticedTeresanoticingandsaidHenrygotsomesortofbugbiteandcouldn’tstopscratching.Therewasnothingaboutcats.
“ThefriendwasalsoworriedaboutHenry’sself-esteem,”Heightscontinued.“Shesaidshecomplimentedhimonce,andhesaid,‘ButI’mannoying.Everybodyhatesme.’Sheaskedwhyhethoughtthat,andhesaid,‘Mymommytoldme.’”
Teresaswallowed.I’mannoying.Everybodyhatesme.SherememberedElizabethtellinghimtostoptalkingnonstopaboutrocks.She’dcrouchedsoherfacewasnexttohis,nosetonose,andwhispered,“Iknowyou’reexcited,butyou’retalkingandtalking,outloudtoyourself.That’sextremelyannoyingtomostpeople,andifyoukeepdoingthat,I’mworriedthateveryonewillhateyou.Soyouneedtotryreallyhardtostop.Okay?”
Abesaid,“Whathappenedatthispoint?”
“Thefrienddeclinedtogiveherownname,butshedidprovideHenry’slastnameandaddress.ThatwasonThursday,August21.ThefollowingMonday,weinterviewedHenryatcamp.TheCodeofVirginiaallowsustointerviewachildwithoutparentalnotificationorconsent,outsidetheirpresence.Wechosetodothathere,tominimizeparentalcoaching.”
“Didthedefendanteverfindoutaboutthechildabuseinvestigation?”
“Yes,ontheeveningofMonday,August25,thedaybeforetheexplosion.Iwenttotheirresidenceandinformedheroftheallegations.”Teresathoughtofthepoliceknockingonherdoor,barginginwithabusecharges.NowonderElizabethhadbeensodistantthedayoftheexplosion.Whatwouldthatfeellike,tobetoldthatsomeone—someoneyouknow,maybeevenafriend—hadaccusedyouofchildabuse?
Abesaid,“Didthedefendantdenytheallegations?”
“No.Sheonlysaidshewantedtoknowwhofiledthecomplaint,andIinformedheritwasanonymous.Ididn’tknowmyself.Butthenextmorning,Igotacallfromthefriend,theonepickingupfromcamp.”
“Really?Whatdidshesay?”
“Shewasupsetbecauseshe’djusthadabigfightwiththedefendant.”
Abesteppedcloser.“Thisisthemorningoftheexplosion?”
“Yes.ShesaidElizabethaccusedheroffilingtheCPScomplaintandwasfuriouswithher.SheaskedmetopleasetellElizabethwhodidfileit,soshe’dknowitwasn’ther.”
“Howdidyourespond?”
“ItoldherIcouldn’t,itwasanonymous,”Heightssaid.“Shebecamemoreupsetandsaidshewassureitwastheprotesters.ShesaidagainhowangryElizabethwas,andsheshouldneverhavetalkedtome.Shesaid,quote,‘She’ssomad,she’sreadytokillme.’”
“DetectiveHeights,”Abesaid,“haveyousincethendiscoveredtheidentityofthisfriend,theonewhocalledonthemorningoftheexplosionandsaidthedefendantwas,quote,‘somad,she’sreadytokillme’?”
“Yes.Irecognizedherfromthemorguepictures.”
“Whowasit?”
DetectiveHeightslookedatElizabethandsaid,“KittKozlowski.”
ELIZABETH
KITTANDELIZABETHWEREmorelikesistersthanfriends.Notinthewe’re-closer-than-friends-could-ever-be!way,butintheI-wouldn’t-have-chosen-you-as-a-friend-but-we’re-stuck-together-so-let’s-try-to-get-alongway.Theymetbecausetheirsonswerediagnosedwithautismonthesamedayatthesameplace,sixyearsagoatGeorgetownHospital.ElizabethhadbeenwaitingforHenry’sevaluationresultswhenawomansaid,“Thisislikewaitingfortheguillotine,isn’tit?”Elizabethdidn’tanswer,butthewomanwenton,saying,“Idon’tunderstandhowmencanfocusonworkatatimelikethis,”lookingatVictorandanotherman—herhusband,presumably—bothworkingonlaptops.Elizabethgavethetersestsmileshecouldandgrabbedamagazine.Thewoman,though,keptblatheringonaboutherson—almostfour,hisbirthdaywascomingup,shewasmakingaBarneycake,headoredBarney,waspositivelyobsessed—andhowhedidn’ttalk(coulditbebecausehecouldn’tgetaneffingwordinedgewise?)butitwasprobablybecausehewastheyoungest,shehadfourotherkids,allgirlswhotalkednonstop(apparentlyagenetictrait),youknowhowgirlscanbe,etcetera,etcetera.Thewoman—Kitt,likeKit-Kat,withtwot’s,sheintroducedherselfmid-monologue—wasnotmakingconversationsomuchasspittingoutwordsinonelongstrand,oblivioustoElizabeth’snonresponse.Shedidn’tstopuntilthenursecalledforHenryWard’sparents.
Thedoctorsaid,“Let’ssee…Ah,yes,Henry.Iknowyou’reanxious,solet’scuttothechase.Henrywasfoundtobeautistic.”Hesaidthiscasually,betweensipsofcoffee,asifitwereanormalthing,aneverydaything,toannouncetoparentsthattheirchildwasautistic.Ofcourse,forhim,aneurologistatanautismclinic,itwasaneverydaything,probablyanevery-hourthing.Butforher,theparent,thiswasamoment—themoment—thatwoulddivideherworldintoBeforeandAfter,thelife-definingsceneshe’dreplayoverandover,sowastheoh-so-nonchalantdrinkingoftheventiFrappuccinoreallyeffingnecessary?Andhischoiceofwords:“Henrywasfoundtobe,”asifhedidn’tdothefindinghimselfbutdiscoveredHenrylyingsomewhere,stampedAUTISTICbysomemysteriousforceofnature;andautistic—wasthatevenaword?Itoffendedher,himturningadisorderintoanadjective,theneteffectofwhichwastodeclareautismtobeHenry’sdefiningcharacteristic,thesumtotalofhisidentity.
Thesesemanticissues—whypeoplewere“diabetic”butnot“canceristic,”forinstance,andthedifferencebetween“moderatelysevere”(Henry’sautism-spectrumplacement)and“severelymoderate”—wereoccupyingherwhenshepassedKitt.Elizabethwasn’tcrying,hadn’tcriedatall,infact,butherfacemusthavescreamedoutherdevastation,becauseKittstoppedandhuggedher,atight,never-endinghugreservedforthemostintimateoffriends.Shehadnoideawhythisinappropriatehugfromthisinappropriatestrangershouldfeelanythingotherthanawkward,butitfeltcomforting,likefamily,andshehuggedherbackandcried.
Elizabethneverexpectedtoseeheragain,didn’texchangenumbers,e-mailsorevenlastnames.Aweeklater,though,theyranintoeachother,firstatthecountyautismpreschoolorientation,thenataspeechtherapist’s,andagainatanappliedbehavioranalysisinfosession—notsurprisinggiventhatGeorgetownhadrecommendedthemall,butstill,ithadakismetfeel,alittletoocoincidentaltobecoincidence.TheystarteddoingeverythingtogetherwhenHenryandTJendedupinthesameclassatthesameschool.“Autismbootcamp,”they’dcalledit.Theycarpooledtoschoolandtherapies,attendedlecturesoncopingwiththegriefofanautismdiagnosis,andjoinedthelocalautismmoms’group.Inthatway,theyfellintocloseness,asifbyaccident.Notbecausetheyparticularlyenjoyedeachother’scompany,butoutofhabit,becausetheywerethrusttogetherdaily,likeitornot.Therepeatedproximitygrewintointimacy;once,afterVictordroppedthebombshellabouthisnewfoundloveinCalifornia,theyevenwentonadrunkengirls’nightout.
Elizabethwasanonlychild,soshe’dneverexperiencedthis,butthethingaboutbeingtogetherandsharingsomuch—everythingfromtheirsons’quarterlyautism-severityscorestotheirteachers’dailycountsof“perseverativebehaviors”(rockingforHenry,headbangingforTJ)—wasthatitbredanintenserivalry.Itinfectedeverythingtheydid,creptintothenooksandcranniesoftheirrelationshipandturneditslightlysour.Elizabethknewcompetitionwasrampantinthe“typical”kids’moms’world,hadheardwomencomparingtheirkids’all-starandgifted-program-admissionstatusesinlineatTraderJoe’s.Butlikeeverythingelse,thejealousyshotintooverdriveintheworldofautismmoms,whichwasatoncethemostcooperativeandthemostcompetitiveshe’dseen,withstakesthatmattered—notwhichcollegeyourkidsgotinto,buttheirverysurvivalinsociety:whetherthey’dlearntotalk,ifthey’devermoveoutofyourhouse,andhowthey’dlivewhenyoudied.Unlikeinthe“typical”world,whensomeoneelse’schild’ssuccessmeantyourownwasfallingshort,thesharing,helping,andcelebratingofothers’successeswasfarmoreintenseandcomplexbecauseanotherchildimprovingmeanthopeforyourown,butalsoputmorepressureonyoutocomethroughforyourown.InthecaseofHenryandTJ,allthesefactorsweremagnifiedbecausetheywerethesameage,inthesameclass,impossiblenottocompareandcontrast.
WhenthebiomedicaltreatmentsstartedandHenryimprovedandTJdidn’t,thatwaswhenElizabethandKitt’srelationshipwarpedintosomethingthatresembledfriendshipontheoutside—stillcarpoolingandhavingcoffeeeveryThursday—butfeltlikesomethingelseontheinside.Thefunnythingwas,itwasKittwho’dfirsttoldheraboutDefeatAutismNow!,agroupofdoctors(mostwithkidswithautism)whoadvocatedtreatmentsfor“recovery”fromautism—somethingElizabethhadn’tknownwaspossible.Tobesure,theconceptwasastrangeone,nolessbecausetheworldatlargedidn’tbelieveautismwassomethingyoucould“recover”from.Brokenbones,yes.Pneumonia,sure.Maybeevencancer,ifyouwerelucky.Butautism?Thatwasalifelongthing.Besides,“recovery”impliedabaselineofnormalcythathadbeenlost,whereasautismwassupposedtobeaninborntrait,whichmeant,ofcourse,therewasnothinglosttorecover.She’dbeenskeptical,buttryingthetreatmentswasthesameasbaptizingHenrydespiteheratheism:ifshewasright,theywerejustpouringwateronHenry’shead(noharm),butifVictorwas,theyweresavinghimfrometernaldamnationinhell(bigupside).Similarly,specialdietsandvitaminswouldn’tharmhim,butiftherewastheslightestpossibilityof“recovery,”thepotentialupsidewaslife-changing.Risk,nil.Reward,probablynil,butpossiblyhuge.Simplemath.
Soshedidit.Cutoutdyes,additives,gluten,andcaseinfromHenry’sdiet,enduringteachers’oh-you-crazy-neurotic-motherlookswhensheaskedthemtosubstituteherorganicgrapesfortheirrainbowGoldfishsnacks.CajoledHenry’spediatriciantoruntestsdespitehisresistance(“Iwon’tinflictunnecessaryblooddrawsonalittleboy,nottomentionthewastefortheinsurancecompany”)and,whentheycamebackabnormalinthewaypredictedbytheDAN!doctors(highcopper,lowzinc,highviraltiters),gottheeversoslightlyhumbledpediatriciantoagreethatyes,hesupposeditwouldn’tbeharmful,exactly,togiveHenryB12,zinc,probiotics,andsuch.
Noneofthismadeherdifferent;adozenothersinherautismmoms’groupwereonthe“biomedtrack,”hadbeenforyears.ThedifferencehadbeenHenry.HewastheHolyGrailofbiomedtreatments,theso-calledSuperResponder.Oneweek(one!)afterElizabethremovedfooddyes,Henry’srockingwentfromanaverageoftwenty-fivetosixepisodesperday.Twoweeksafterstartingzinc,hestartedmakingeyecontact—fleetingandsporadic,butcomparedwithnoneandnever,abreakthrough.AndthemonthaftersheaddedB12shots,hisMLU(meanlengthofutterance)doubled,from1.6to3.3words.
TalkingwithKitt,Elizabethwascarefultoavoidgloating,tobesensitivetothefactthatTJexhibitednochanges.Theproblemwas,theyhadoppositeapproachestothetherapies—Elizabethanal,Kittloosey-goosey—anditwashardnottothinkthatherowntype-Afastidiousness—buyingaseparatetoasterandcookwareforHenry’sfoodtoensureabsolutecompliancewiththediet,forexample—must’veplayedsomepartinHenry’sdramaticresponse.Kitt,bycontrast,letTJ“cheat”onhisdietforspecialoccasions,which,becausehehadfoursisters,fourgrandparents,ninecousins,andthirty-twoclassmates,occurredonceaweek,andsheregularlyforgothissupplements.ElizabethtoldherselfthatTJwasn’therchildandeveryonehadtheirownwayofdoingthings,butsheachedforTJ,hatedseeinghimstagnatewhileHenrysoared,andsheyearnedtotakecontrolandrestoretheparitybetweenthem,andwithit—yes,shecouldadmitit,shewantedthisbackmostofall—herclosenesswithKitt.Elizabethofferedtohelp—shevolunteeredtoorganizeTJ’ssupplementsintoweeklypilldispensersandbringdiet-compliantcupcakesforclassroombirthdays—butKittsaid,“AndhavetheAutismNazitakeovermylife?No,thanks.”Shesaiditjokingly,withawinkandalaugh,buttherewasvenomthere,underthesurface.
ThedaytheprincipalannouncedHenry’smovefromtheautismclasstoonefor“milder”issuessuchasarticulationandADHD—theoxymoronicallynamed“generalspecialeducation”class—Kitthuggedherandsaid,“It’samazingnews.I’mthrilledforyou,”butsheblinkedalittletoofastforalittletoolong,smiledalittletoowide,andtenminuteslater,passingbyKitt’scarinthelot,Elizabethsawherslumpedoverthesteeringwheel,herwholebodyheavinginsobs.
Rememberingthisnow,ElizabethwishedshecouldreturntothatmomentandopenthedoorandtellKittnottocry,thatnoneofitmattered.Forwhatdifferencediditmakehowmuch“higherfunctioning”Henrywas,howmanymorewordshecouldspeak,whenhewasnowinacoffinandTJwasnot?WhenTJwouldeatandrunandlaugh,whileHenrycouldneverdothosethingsagain?WhatwouldKitthavesaidifshe’dknownthatinafewyears,Elizabethwouldgiveanythingtochangeplaceswithher,tobethedeadmothertothealivechildratherthanthealivemothertothedeadchild,tohavediedprotectingherson,nevertofeelthetortureofimaginingherson’spainandtheguiltofknowingshe’dcauseditherself?
Butneitherofthemknewwhatwastocome,ofcourse.DrivingpastKittthatdayintheparkinglot,shethoughtoftheirfirstmeeting,Kittstoppingandhugginghertight,andshewantedtostopthecar,runover,andhugandcrywithher.Shewantedtosayshewassorryforherjudgingandtacitcriticismsdisguisedas“help,”thatshe’dquitandjustlistenandsupporther.ButhowwouldKittfeel,havingElizabeth—themomofthekidwho’dcausedherpain—comfortherandpretendtounderstand?WasshereallythinkingofKitt,orwasshebeingselfish,notwantingtofeellikeshewaslosingheronlyfriend?
Elizabethkeptdriving,allthewayhome.Laterthatday,Kitte-mailedtosaycarpoolingdidn’tmakesenseanymore,sinceHenry’snewclasswasinaschoolfivemilesaway,andoh,bytheway,shecouldn’tmakecoffeethisThursday,shehadafieldtripforoneofthegirls.Elizabethsaidthatwasfine,she’dseehersoon.Therewasnoe-mailthenextweek,butElizabethwenttotheirusualStarbucksonThursdayandwaited.Kittnevercame.Elizabethdidn’tcallore-mail.ShejustkeptgoingtoStarbuckseveryThursday,sittingbythewindow,andwaitingforherfriendtowalkin.
SITTINGINCOURT,ElizabethrememberedbacktotheThursdaybeforetheexplosion,thedayDetectiveHeightswenttoHenry’scampandmetKitt.Asusual,she’dbeensittingatStarbucks,thinkingaboutKitt.Shehadn’tseenhermuchafterHenrymovedschools,justmonthlyautismmoms’meetings,butshe’dexpectedtheirclosenesstoreturnwithHBOT.And,inaway,itdid;theytalkedforhourseverydayinthesealedchamberandcaughtuponallthey’dmissed.Buttherewasanawkwardness,asenseofthem(orrather,her)tryingtoohardtoreviveanoldintimacygonestale.Andthen,ofcourse,cametheYoFunfight,afteraparticularlyawkwarddivewhenshetriedtellingKittaboutnewtherapiesandcamps,andKittkeptnoddingpolitelywithoutengaging.Elizabeth’sfrustrationbuiltandbuilt,andatsomepoint,itboiledoverandshebecame—ithurttoadmitit—anabrasive,overbearing,sanctimoniousbitch.Sheknewitandwantedtostop,butitwasasifalltheballed-uphurthaderupted,spewingoutinchunksshecouldn’tcontain.
Sheputdownhercoffeeanddecided:sheneededtoapologizetoKitt,properly,inperson.NotatHBOT(theywereneveralone),andshecouldn’tjustshowupatherhouse(toodesperate,stalkerish),butshecouldcallKitt,sayshewasrunninglateandaskhertogetHenryfromcamp(oneblockfromTJ’scamp).Then,whenElizabethwenttoKitt’shouseforHenry,shecouldtalktoher.Shecouldsayshewassorry,shemissedher,andmaybewiththebitternesspouredout,atrueclosenesswithoutrancorcouldemerge.Sothat’swhatshedid,whichmeant—God,theironyofthis!—ElizabethherselfwasresponsibleforKittmeetingDetectiveHeightsandverifyingthechildabusecomplaint.Andshe’dneverevengottentoapologize;whenshewenttogetHenry,Kittseemedupsetandmentionedcatscratches,panickingElizabethintoleavingandturningthesoul-baringsessionshe’dimaginedintoaone-minutedoorwayconversation.
Andnow,Kittwasdeadandapsychologist-detectivewasonthestand,tellingtheworldexactlywhatshe’dthoughtandsaidaboutElizabeth,hercrazyex-friend.Abesaid,“WhenKittcalledthedayoftheexplosionandsaidthedefendantwas,quote,‘somad,she’sreadytokillme,’didshesayanythingelse?”
Heightssaid,“Yes.ShesaidshefoundoutHenrywasabouttoundergoIVchelation.”Shelookedtothejury.“Chelationistheintravenousadministrationofpowerfuldrugsusedtoridthebodyoftoxicmetals.It’sFDA-approvedforheavy-metalpoisoning.”
“Henryhadpoisoning?”Abesaid,thefamiliarlookoffeignedsurpriseonhisface.
“No,butsomebelievethatmetalsandpesticidesinourairandwatercauseautism,andthatbycleansingthebody,youcancureit.”
“Thatsoundsunorthodox,certainly,butisn’tthisamatterofmedicaljudgment?”
“No.Childrenhavediedfromit,whichthedefendantknew.Shepostedaboutitonline,butdidn’ttellHenry’sownpediatrician.Sheusedanout-of-statenaturopath,analternativepracticenotrecognizedbyVirginia,andorderedthedrugsonline.Inmyopinion,thisisendangerment,subjectingyourchildtoapotentiallyfatalandsecretexperimentaltreatment.”
“DidKittsaywhichaspectofthistreatmentworriedher?”
“Yes.ShesaidElizabethwasplanningtocombinethiswithanevenmoreextremetreatmentcalledMMS.”
Abeheldupaziplockbagcontainingabookandtwoplasticbottles.“Doyourecognizethis,Detective?”
“Yes,it’swhatIfoundunderthedefendant’skitchensink.ThebookisMMS:TheMiracleMineralSolution,ahow-toguideforthelatestautismfadwhereyoumixsodiumchloriteandcitricacid,thesetwobottleshere,whichformschlorinedioxide.”Shelookedtothejury.“That’sbleach.You’resupposedtoadministerthissolutionorally—makehimdrinkbleach,inotherwords—eighttimesaday.”
Abeputonanoutragedexpression.“Thedefendantdidthistoherson?”
“Yes,aweekbeforehisdeath.Sherecordedinachartinthebookthathecried,hadstomachpainanda103-degreefever,andvomitedfourtimes.”
“Thedefendantrecordedthesedetails,likeshewasconductingexperimentsonarat?”Shannonobjected,andthejudgesustained,tellingAbetokeeptothefacts,butshesawitinthejurors’faces:disgustandhorror,theimageofsadisticNazidoctorstorturingprisonersintheirminds,nothingatalllikehermemory:holdingHenrytight,tellinghimhe’dbeokay,howharditwastoreadthethermometerwithherhandsshakingandeyesblurredwithtears.
Heightssaid,“ThisdovetailedwithKitt’saccount.Apparently,ElizabethsaidsheneededtostopMMSbecauseitwasmakingHenrytoosickandshedidn’twanthimmissingcamp,butshe’dresumeit,combinedwithchelation,whencampwasover.Thatway,hecouldgetreallysick,anditwouldn’tmatter.”
“‘Reallysick,anditwouldn’tmatter,’”Aberepeated,hiseyesglazedandfixedasifpicturingHenry’ssuffering,thenshakinghishead.Kitthaddonethesamething—repeatedElizabeth’sphraseandshakenherhead,exceptinatoneofoutrage.“Reallysick,anditwon’tmatter?Listentoyourself.He’sdoinggreat.Whydoyoukeepdoingthisshit?”Kittsaidbeforemakingherusualbonbonscomment—thewordsthatmadeElizabethcrazyandledtothehugefighttenhoursbeforeKitt’sdeath.
ThefirsttimeKittsaiditwasattheautismmoms’meetingafterGeorgetown’sneurologistretestedHenryandpronouncedhimas“nolongerfallingwithintheautismspectrum.”Therewaschampagneinpartycupswithrainbow-letteredWow!s,andthemomsweretoasting,someevencrying—thoughnotnecessarilyfromhappiness;basedonherownuncontrollablecryingwhenevershereadthose“mykidmiraculouslyrecoveredfromautism”memoirs,sheknewthetearscamefromanoscillationbetweendespair(“Someoneelse’skidgotbetter,whileminedidn’t”)andhope(“Someoneelse’skidgotbetter,sominecould,too”).
Someonesaidsomethingaboutgood-bye,howthey’dmissheratmeetings.WhenElizabethsaidno,sheplannedtocontinueeverything—meetings,biomedtreatments,speechtherapy,etcetera—that’swhenKittdidit.ShookherheadatElizabethlikeshewascrazyandsaidwithachuckle,“IfIhadakidlikeyours,I’dliearoundonmycouchandeatbonbonsallday.”
Elizabethfeltajolt,likeaprick,butshetriedtosmile.TriedtooverlooktheforcedlightnessinKitt’svoiceandthecontemptuousnessinherchuckle,thetonalequivalentofateenager’seye-rollatanoverbearingmother.ShetoldherselfthatKittwasbrashandsarcastic,ano-filterstype,andthebonbonscommentwasherway—tryingtobefunny,withnoideahowacidicherwordswere—ofcongratulatingElizabethforfinishingthemarathonthey’dstartedtogetherandtellinghershe’dearnedtherighttorelax.Toenjoylife.
Theproblemwas,Elizabethwasn’tconvincedthatshe(orHenry,rather)actuallyhadreachedthefinishline.Notbeingautisticwasnotthesameasbeingnormal.Eventhewordsthedoctorused—“speechisvirtuallyindistinguishablefromtypicalpeers”—madethatclear:Henrywasn’ttypical,buthadlearnedtomimicit,likealab-trainedmonkey.Ifhewascareful,hecouldpassfornormal,butitwasaprecariouskindofnormal,onethatteeteredontheedge.
Inthatway,havingachildrecoveredfromautismwaslikehavingoneinremissionfromcancerorrecoveredfromalcoholism.Constantlybeingonguardforsignsofanythingabnormal,anythingthatmaymeanhe’sslippingback,whiletryingnottoslipintoparanoia.Forcingasmilewhenotherscongratulateyouforbeatingtheodds,whileanxietychurnsinyourstomachasyouwonderhowlongthisreprievewilllast.
Butshecouldn’tsaythistoKitt,toanyautismmom.Itwouldbelikesomeoneinremissioncryingaboutthepossibilityofeventuallydyingfromrecurrencetosomeoneactuallydyingofcancerrightnow—notsufficientlyappreciativeofhowluckyyouhaveit,howyourowntroublespaleincomparison.SowhenKittsaidthebonbonsthing,shedidn’targuethatHenrymightregress.Shedidn’tsayhowworriedshestillwas—thatHenryhadnofriendsinhisnewclass,thatwheneverhewassickornervous,herevertedtohisoldwaysoflookingupandperseveratingonthesamephraseinaroboticmonotone.No,wheneverKittsaidit(whichsheseemedtothinkgotfunniereachtime),Elizabethjustlaughedalong.
Exceptthatlastday.Themorningoftheexplosion,walkingtotheircars,shewastalkingaboutMMSwhenKittsaid,“Whydoyoukeepdoingthisshit?Ithinktheprotestersmighthaveapointwithyou.LikeIalwayssay”—andshesaidherusualbonbonsthing.Exceptthistime,withoutlaughing.
Elizabethdidn’tsayanything.ShegotHenryinthecar,gavehimappleslices,andwaitedforKitttosettleTJin.WhenKittclosedTJ’sdoor,Elizabethsaid,“No,youwouldn’t.”
“Iwouldn’twhat?”
“Youwouldn’tliearoundandeatbonbonsalldayifTJwerelikeHenry.That’snothowparentingworks,andyouknowit.Youthinkeverymomwithtypicalkidsisgoing,Mykidisn’tspecial-needssoIhavenothingtodo;IthinkI’llmail-ordersomebonbonsfromParis?Believeme,I’dlovetoliearoundandeatbonbonsalldayinsteadoftakingcareofHenry—whatmomwouldn’t?—butthere’salwayssomethingtoworryabout,somethingtheyneedyoufor.Ifit’snothealth,it’sschoolorfriendsorsomething.Itneverends.Howdoyounotknowthat?”
Kittrolledhereyes.“It’sjustajoke,Elizabeth.Afigureofspeech.I’mtellingyoutorelaxalittlewiththis‘Ican’trestuntilmychildisabsolutelyperfect’bullshit.”
“Youhavenorighttellingmetostop.NomorethanTeresawouldhavetellingyoutostopeverythingforTJbecausehecanwalk.”
“That’sludicrous.”Kittturnedtogetaway.
Elizabethsteppedinfrontofher.“Thinkaboutit.IfRosacouldwakeuptomorrowandbelikeTJ,it’dbeamiracle—that’swhatTeresa’sdoingallthetherapiesfor.Butdoesthatmeanshehastherighttosayyoushouldn’ttryyourhardesttogethimbeyondwhereheisnow?”
Kittshookherhead.“You’vegottolightenup.It’safriggingjoke.”
“No,Idon’tthinkitis.Ithinkyou’repissed.You’rejealousthattheboysstartedoutthesame,andHenry’simprovedandTJhasn’t,andyou’retryingtopullmedownandmakemefeelguiltyforleavingyoubehind.Well,guesswhat?Idofeelguilty.”Atthisadmission,Elizabethfeltalltheresentmentgushoutofherbody,leavingawarmtingling,likeanumbfootwakingup.Here,finally,wasthechancetosayeverything:howguiltyshefelt,howmuchshemissedKitt,howsorryshewasforallherjudgingandnagging.
Sheopenedhermouthtosayallthis,toaskforforgiveness,whenKittslumpedagainstthehoodofhercarwithherhandsoverherface.ShethoughtKittmightbecryingandstartedtogotoher,whenKittdroppedherhands.Notears.Herfaceamixoftiredandamused,anI-can’t-believe-I’m-talking-to-this-crazy-personlook.
Kittlookedather,shookherhead,andsaid,“Thatissuchbullshit.Itellyou,you’reapieceofwork.Un-frigging-believable.”
Elizabethdidn’tsayanything,couldn’t.
Kittsighed,along,loudbreathofexhaustion.“YouthinkI’mtellingyoutostopbecauseI’mhopingthat,what,Henry’llbecomeautisticagain?WhatkindofcrazybitchdoyouthinkIam?I’mnotjealousormadatyou,”shesaid.“Imean,doIwishTJcouldtalkandbemainstreamedlikeHenry?OfcourseIdo.I’mhuman.ButI’mhappyforyou.It’sjust…”Kittbreathedagain,butthistimewithpursedlips,likeayogabreath,anintakeofnourishmenttoemboldenherforwhatshewasabouttosay.ShelookedatElizabeth.“Look,nojoke.IthinkyouworkedhardtogetHenrywhereheis.It’sjust,you’vebeengoingforsolong,youdon’tknowhowtostop.Ithinkmaybe…”Kittbitherlip.
“Maybewhat?”
“Ithinkyouworkedhardtostripawaytheautism,andnowyou’releftwithHenry,theboyhewasmeanttobe.AndIthinkmaybeyoudon’tlikethatboy.He’salittleweirdandlikestalkingaboutrocksorwhatever.He’snotMr.In-Crowd,neverwillbe.AndIthinkyou’rehopingyoucanchangehimintothekidyouwantinsteadofthekidyouhave.Butnokid’sperfect,andyoucan’tgethimtobeperfectthroughmoretreatments.They’redangerous,andhedoesn’tneedthem.It’slikecontinuingchemoafterallthecancer’sgone.Whoareyoudoingthemfor—youorforhim?”
Chemoafterthecancer’sgone.Thedetectivelastnighthadsaidthistoexplaintheabusecomplaint.ElizabethlookedatKitt.“Itwasyou.”
“What?Whatwasme?”
“YoucalledCPSandsaidI’machildabuser.”
“What?No.Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,”Kittsaid,butElizabethcouldtell—thewayKitt’swholefaceandneckturnedcrimsoninaninstant,thejerkystaccatoofherwords,thejumpinessofhereyeslookingeverywherebutElizabeth’sface—Kittknewallaboutit.Betrayal,embarrassment,confusion—everythingtangledaroundElizabeth’sthroat,tight,sendingspotsflashinginhervision.Shecouldn’tstandhereonemoresecond.Sherantohercar.Sheslammedthedoorandgotthehelloutofthere,sendingdustswirlingupliketornadofunnels.
YOUNG
SHECOULDN’TFINDHERCAR.Itwasn’tinanyofthecourthousehandicappedspotsoronthestreetinfront.Pakdidn’tsayanything,justshookhisheadlikeshewasaforgetfulchildhewastootiredtoscold.
“Howcouldyouforgetwhereitis?Youjustparkeditafewhoursago,”Marysaid.
Youngbitdownandclenchedhermouthshut.Questionsandaccusationswerepoppingaroundherheadlikeballsonthoselottery-numberpickers,andnow—onapublicstreet,withtheirdaughter—wasnotthetimeforthosewords.
Shefoundthecartwoblocksaway,inameteredspot.Asshemotionedforthemtocome,shespottedpaperunderthewipers.Aparkingticket?Itoccurredtoherthatshedidn’trememberfeedingthemeter.Thenagain,shedidn’trememberparkinghereatall.Youngstrodepastthestenchofthedumpster-filledalley,positionedherumbrellatoblockPak’sviewofthewindshield,andgrabbedtheticket:$35.
Inthethreehourssinceshe’dfoundtheSeoulapartmentlistings—drivingbacktoPineburg,enteringthecourtroom,sittingthroughDetectiveHeights’stestimony—she’dfeltlikeshewasinadream.Notagooddream,allsoftwiththatanything-is-possiblebuzz,andnotanightmare,either,butoneofthosedreamsyou’dswearwasreallifebutwiththingsskewedjustenoughtodisorienther.Howexcitingthatyou’removingback,theRealtor’snotehadsaid.Aninternationalmove,withoutawordtohiswife.Hadhebeenplanningtoleaveher,maybeforanotherwoman?OrwasElizabeth’slawyerright,andhe’dmastermindedaget-rich-quick-and-escapeplan?Whichwasbetter,herhusbandasadultererormurderer?
ShewouldtalktoPak.Sheneededtotalktohim,stopthescenariosfromloopingthroughhermind.Duringashortcourtrecess,he’dapologizedfornevertellingherhewasfired.Hesaidhedidn’twanthertoknowhewasworkingtwojobs,didn’twantherworrying,butstill,heshould’vetoldher.Pak’ssincerityremindedherthathe’dmademistakes,certainly,buthewasagoodman.She’dshowhimwhatshefound—matter-of-factly,withoutjudgmentoraccusation—andwaitforhisexplanation.
Yuh-bo,she’dsay,usingtheKorean“spouse”labellikeagoodwife,whydidyouhidecigarettesintheshed?
Yuh-bo,whatwereyoudoingatPartyCentralonthedayoftheexplosion?
Yuh-bo,whatdidyoudoafteryouleftmealoneinthebarn?
Themoreshethoughtaboutit,themoresherealizedshewastoblamefornotknowingtheanswers.Evenonthelastquestion,themostimportantone—whatexactlyhadhedonebeforetheexplosion?—she’dnevergottenaclearanswer.She’dbeentoofocusedonwhattheirstoryshouldbetopressPakforwhathe’dactuallydone,whatexact,specificactions“standingwatch”overtheprotestersentailed.
Youngshovedtheparkingticketdeepdowninherpurseandzippedit.ShehelpedPakgetinthecar,putawaythewheelchair,andstartedthecartogohome,wheretonightshe’dfinallyaskthequestionshe’dbeentooscaredandstupidtovoiceforthelastyear.
Yuh-bo,didyouhaveanythingtodowiththeexplosion?
ITWAS8:00bythetimeYoungandPakwerefinallyalone.Maryusuallywentforawalkinthewoodsafterdinner,buttheraindidn’tletupsoYounggaveMarythirtydollarsandsaidthiswasherlastnightofbeingseventeenandwhydidn’tshetakethefamilycarandgomeetfriends?Givingherthatmuchwouldmeanthey’dhavetoskimpevenmoreforamonth,butitwasworthittostopthewaiting.Besides,itwasamilestone,turningeighteen.Theycouldn’taffordtogooutorbuyapresent,andthiswouldhavetodo.
Whenshewalkedinwiththebagfromtheshed,Pakwasatthetablereadingthenewspaperhe’dgottenfromthecourthouserecycling.Paklookedupandsaid,“You’rewet.”Itmust’vestillbeenraining,yetshehadn’trealized,hadn’tevenfelttherainfallingandsoakingintoherskinasshewalkedtotheshedandcheckedthebagtomakesuretheapartmentlistingswerestillthere,notjustsomethingshe’dhallucinatedinhernauseatedstate.Itwasfunnyhowshehadn’tevennoticed,butoncePaksaidit,thewetnessofherclothesagitatedhertoanextreme.Theincriminatingbagwasatherfeet,heraccusationsatherthroat,andallshecouldfocusonwasthewet,coarsenylonofherblousestickingtoherskin,makingheritch.
“Youhavesomethingtoshowme?”Pakputdownthepaper.
Youngfeltconfusedforamoment,wonderinghowheknewshe’dfoundsomething,butthenshesawherpurse,lyingopen,theparkingticketpokingout.
Shestaredatherhusband,lookingatherlikeaparentatamisbehavingchild.Ahotflushcreptupherneck,anangerthatgrewasshelookedathim,thelackofevenahintofapologyinhisfaceforhavinggonethroughherprivatethings.
Youngstrodetothetableandgrabbedherpurse.“Youwentthroughmypurse?”
“Isawyouhidingitbackatthecar.Thirty-fivedollarsisalotofmoney.Howcouldyoudosomethingsostupid?”Pak’stonewasgentle,butnotinakindway.No,hisvoicehadthepatronizingparentaltonereservedforscoldingchildren,coatedwithforcedmildnesstomaskhisanger.
Andhewasangry.Shecouldseethatnow.Afterwhathappenedtoday,herdiscoveringhisyearsofliesalongwithstrangersinopencourt,hewasangryather.Allofasudden,thiswholeconversationseemedridiculous,heranxietyoverconfrontinghimaboutthetincasefarcical,andshedidn’tknowwhethertoslaphimorlaughoutloud.
“WhatwasIthinking?”shesaid.“Let’ssee,whatcouldIpossiblyhavebeenfocusingoninsteadofparking?”Asshegotthebag,anoverwhelmingsenseofpowercoursedthroughherandsettledintoanumbingcalm.“Isupposemymindmust’vebeenonthis.”Shedroppedthetincaseonthetable.Itclanged.“Onallthethingsyou’vebeenhidingfromme.”
Pakstaredatthecase,thenreachedtotouchit.Heblinkedwhenhisindexfingermadecontactwiththeedgeandpulledawayquickly,asifhe’dtouchedaghostandrealizeditwassolid.“Wheredidyougetthis?How?”
“Ifounditwhereyouhidit,intheshed.”
“Theshed?ButIgaveitto…”Helookedatthecase,thenofftotheside,hiseyesdartingbackandforthasifstrugglingtorecallsomething,hisfacescrunchedinpuzzlementsototalthatYoungwonderedifhereallythoughthe’dgivenittotheKangs.
Pakshookhishead.“Imust’veforgottentogiveittothem,anditendeduphere.Sowhat?Wehadsomeoldcigarettesinstorage,andwedidn’trealizeit.It’snomatter.”
Hesoundedbelievable.Butthegum,Febreze,apartmentlistings—thoseprovedhehadusedthecaseasahidingplacelastsummer.No,Pakwaslying,likehehadinAbe’soffice.Sherememberedthechillshe’dfelt,seeinghowconvincinghecouldbe,insistingonthetruthofwhatsheknewtobelies.Hewascontinuinghissametricksandexpectinghertobeduped.
Pakseemedtotakehersilenceasacquiescence.Hepushedthecaseawayandsaid,“Good,it’ssettled.We’llthrowitawayandforgetaboutit.”Hehelduptheparkingticket.“Now,this—”
Shesnatcheditfromhishandandrippeditintwo.“Theticket?Theticketisnothing.Justsomemoney,paidanddone.Butthishere?”Shepickedupthetincaseandshookit,itscontentsrattlinginclangs,thensheslammeditdownandopenedit.“Youseethesecigarettes?Camels,justlikethecigarettesomeoneusedtomurderourpatientsonourproperty.AndgumandFebreze,stuffpeopleusetohidetheirsmoking.Allhiddeninourshed.Youthinkthat’snothing,whenyouspentalldayswearingincourtthatyoudon’tsmokeanymore?It’snotnothing.It’sevidence.”ShetookouttheRealtor’spacketandslappeditonthetable.“Andwhatwouldthatlawyerdowiththis?Whatwouldthejurysayiftheyknewthatrightbeforetheexplosion,youweresecretlyplanningtomovetoSeoul?”
Pakpickedupthepacketandstaredatthecoversheet.
“I’myourwife,”shesaid.“Howcouldyouhidethatfromme?”
Heflippedthroughthepacket.Hiseyesdartedaroundeachpageasifinanefforttoprocessit,makesenseofit.
SeeingPak’svacantlookofuncertainty,Youngfeltherangerdissolveintoworry.Thedoctorshadwarnedthatmoresymptomsmightsurfacelater.Hadhisinjuriesspreadtohisbrain,andhe’dforgottenaboutthelistings?“Yuh-bo,”shesaid,“what’swrong?Tellme.”
PaklookedatYoung’sface,thenherhand,appearingasifhe’dforgottenshewasthere.Hefrowned,thenblewouthisbreathinalongsigh.“I’msorry.Itwasjustsuchastupidpipedream.That’swhyIdidn’ttellyou.”
“Tellmewhat?”shesaid.Anewwaveofnauseacrampedherstomach.Shethoughtit’dbearelieftohearthetruth,toknowthiswasn’tallinherhead,butnowthathewasactuallyconfessing,lookingcontrite,shewishedshecouldgobacktoafewsecondsagowhenherconcernswereunconfirmed,herangerunjustified.
“I’msorry,”hesaid.“Thecigarettes,Ikept.IknewIhadtoquit,andIdid,Ineversmoked,butIlikedholdingthem.WheneverIgotworriedaboutanything,ithelped,just…thefeel,smellingthem.Andthesmell’ssostrongevenwithoutsmokingthem,soIgotthefreshenerandgum.Ididn’twantyoutoknowbecause…becauseitseemedsostupid.Soweak.”
Helockedhiseyes,scrunchedinpainandneed,ontohers.
“Andtheapartments?”shesaid.
“That…”Hescrubbedhisface.“Thatwasn’tforme.It’sjust…thebusinesswasgoingsowell,andIthoughtmaybewecouldhelpmybrothermovetoSeoul.Youknowhowmuchhewantsthat.”Heshookhishead.“Anyway,yousawtheprices.Itoldhimwecouldn’t,andthatwasthat.Imeanttothrowitaway,butIforgotallaboutitaftertheexplosion.”Hesighedagain.“Ishould’vetoldyou,butIwantedtofindoutthepricesfirst.AndonceIdid,therewasnothingtotellyouabout.”
“ButtheRealtorsaidyouweremovingbacktoKorea.”
“Well,ofcourseItoldherthat.IfIsaidthiswasbackgroundresearch,whatincentivewouldshehaveforhelpingme?”
“Soyou’resayingyouneverplannedtomoveusbacktoKorea?”
“WhywouldIdothat?We’veworkedsohardtobehere.Evennow,Istillwanttostayandmakeitwork.Don’tyou?”Hisfacewasslightlyskewedtohisleft,hiseyeswideandwonderinglikeapuppystaringupathismaster,andshefeltguiltyforquestioninghismotives.
“WhataboutCreeksidePlaza?”shesaid.“Iknowyoudidn’tgotoWalgreensforpowder.Iremember—weusedcornstarch.”
Heputhishandonhers.“Ithoughtabouttellingyou,butIwantedtoprotectyou.Ididn’twantyoutohavetotellmoreliesforme.”Helookeddownandtracedthegreenveinsonherhandwithhisfinger.“Igotballoons,fromPartyCentral.Iwantedtogetridoftheprotesters.IthoughtifIcouldcauseapoweroutageandblamethem,thepolicewouldtakethemaway.”
Theroomseemedtotilt.She’dguessedthis,suspecteditfromthemomentshesawtheballoonsinthepicture,butitshockedhertohearhisconfirmation.Itwasstrange—herewasherhusband,admittingtoconcealingacrimefromher,butinsteadofdrawingheraway,itmadeherfeelbetterthanshehadallday.Thefactwas,hedidn’thavetoconfessthis.Shehadnoproof,justsuspicions,andhecould’veeasilymadeupastory,andyet,hechosehonesty.Itmadeherhopefulthatmaybe,justmaybe,everythingelsehe’dtoldhertonightwasthetruth.
Shesaid,“Wasthatwhyyouleftthebarnthatnight?Somethingwiththeballoons?”
Henoddedandbithislip.“I’msorry.IknowIshouldn’thaveleftyoualonelikethat.Butwhenthepolicecalled,theysaidtheywerecomingoversoontogettheballoonstotestthemforfingerprints,soIcouldgetproofitwastheprotestersandgetarestrainingorder.AndIrealized—Ineverwipedofftheballoons,andIdidn’twantthemfindingmyprints,soIwenttogogetthem.Ithoughtit’dtakejustaminute,butIhadtroublegettingthemdown,andthenIsawtheprotesters.Igotscaredaboutwhattheymighttry,andthat’swhenIcalledyou,tosayIcouldn’tcomebackuntilafterthedivewasover.”
“WasthatwhyMarywaswithyou,tohelpwiththat?Didsheknowaboutallthis?”
“No,”hesaid,andYoungfeltsomethingheavyliftfromherchest.Itwasonethingtohaveyourhusbandkeepsecretsfromyou,anotherthingentirelytohavehimconfidingtheminyourdaughter.Paksaid,“No,IjustsaidIneededhelpgettingtheballoonsdown.Andshedidhelpme,lookingintheshedandfindingstickstotrytoreachthemandsuch.Ieventriedboostingherup.”
Younglookedattheirhands,nowfoldedtogetheronthetable.
“Yuh-bo,”Paksaid,“I’msorry.Ishould’vetoldyouallthisearlier.Iwon’tkeepanythingfromyouagain.”
Shelookedintohiseyesandnodded.Itmadesense,everythinghesaid,andfinally,therewerenolies.Yes,he’ddonequestionablethings—liedabouthisjobinSeoul,hiddenthecigarettetincase,liedabouttheballoons.Butthosewrongdoingsweresmall—technicallywrong,butnotreallywrong.Likewhitelies.HereallydidhavefouryearsofHBOTexperienceinSeoul,regardlessofthechangeinjobs,whichwaswhatmattered.Andwhatdifferencedidahiddencaseofcigarettesmakewhenallhedidwaslookatthem,usethemaspropsforhisthoughts?Theballoonswerethemosttroubling,becausewithoutthepoweroutage,hewouldhavestayedinthebarnthatnightandturnedofftheoxygenandopenedthehatchmorequickly.Butstill,itwasElizabethwhocausedthefire,Elizabethwhowasresponsibleforwhateverdamageresultedfromthataction.
YounglinkedherfingerswithPak’s,weavingthemtogether.Shetoldherselfshewaswrongtohavedoubtedherhusband.Butevenasshereassuredhimthatshebelievedhim,forgavehim,trustedhim,somethingnaggedather,somethingshecouldn’tplacethattoldhersomethingwaswrongwithhisstory,somethingtinythatkeptcrawlingintherecessesofhermindlikeaweevilinabagofrice.
Itwasn’tuntillaterthatnight,hisstoriesplayinglikeavideoinhermindasshelayinbed,thatsherealizedwhatwaswrong.
IfMaryandPakhadworkedtogether,bothofthemnexttotheutilitypoleforextendedperiodsoftime,whydidtheirneighborreportseeingonlyoneperson?
MATT
THERAINWASFUCKINGWITHHISMIND.Itwasn’tsobadearlier,whenJaninewasdrivingthemhomeanditwasstorming.Theviolenceofthenoise—therumbleofthunderbarelyaudibleovertheheavyraindropspeltingthecar,fastandfurious—hadcalmedhim,andMatthadputhishandonthemoonroofabovehishead,imaginingthepressureofthewaterhittinghisflesh,maybejoltingthenervesunderthethickscarsintofeelingsomething.Butbythetimetheygothome,thestormhadcalmed,andnowitwasdrizzling,makingfaintphwatsagainsthisbathroomwindow—amuffledscratchingnoisethatcrawledthroughthedampairandcreptthroughhisveins,makinghisneckandshouldersitch.
Heputhisfingersunderhisshirtandrubbed,whichwasallhecoulddonowthathisfingernailsweregone.Itwasfunny,howhe’dconsiderednailsuselessvestigialleftovers,butherehewas,missingthemintensely,needingtodigintohisfleshandscratch.Herubbedharder,cravingrelief,buttheslickscarsonhisfingerssimplyslidaroundhisclammyskin,theitchintensifyingallover—wrigglingthroughhisarmsdowntohishands,burrowingbelowtheimpenetrablelayerofscartissue.Atonce,themosquitobitesfromthecreeklastnightroused,theweltsonhisarmsturningbrightredlikepoppiesinafield.
Hestrippedandturnedontheshower,jet-massagemode.Ashesteppedin,theconcentratedjetofcoldwaterpiercedhim,obliteratingtheitcheverywherelikeabomb.Heturnedthewaterwarmer,puthisheadinthespray,andtriedtoorganizehisjumbleofthoughtsintolists.Janinelikedlists,usedthemduringfights(“discussions,”she’dcorrect)toproveshewasbeinglogicalandfair.“I’mnotaccusingyouofanything,”she’dsay,“justlistingfacts.Here’swhatIknow.Factone:blahblah.Facttwo:blahblah.”Numberedfactswerebigwithher,andheneededtotreadlightlyjustnow,followherformat.Heclosedhiseyesandbreathed,triedtofocusonwhatheknew—noquestionsorconjecture,justconcretemattershecouldenumerate:
FACT#1:Beforetheexplosion,JaninesomehowfoundoutthatMary,notahospitalintern,wastheonesendinghimnotes.FACT#2:JaninewasatMiracleSubmarinethirtyminutesbeforetheexplosion.FACT#3:Atthattime,Janinewasangry,andsheconfrontedMaryandliedtoher(sayinghehadcomplainedaboutMarybotheringhim).FACT#4:JaninethrewCamelcigarettes,7-Elevenmatches,andaballed-upH-MartnoteatMary.(RELATEDFACT#4A:ElizabethclaimedshefoundCamelcigarettes,7-Elevenmatches,andaballed-upH-Martnoteonthesamenightinthesamewoods.)FACT#5:Janinenevertoldhimanyofthisatanytime.Shetoldhim,thepolice,andAbethatshe’dbeenhometheentirenightoftheexplosion.
Itwasthislastfact,hersecretsandlies,thatgottohimmost.Afullfuckingyear,andnotawordaboutthecigarettesshe’dtakenfromthesafeconfinesofhiscarorpocketsorwherevershe’dfoundthemandpracticallyhandedtothemurderer.Allthattime,lettinghimpretendthatthiscigarettebusinesswasnothingtodowithhim,pretendingthatshedidn’tknowhewaspretending.Jesus.
Fuckthelist.Fuckfacts.Itwastimeforquestions.WhatdidJanineknowandnotknowabouthimandMary?Howthehelldidshefindoutinthefirstplace,andwhydidn’tshecometohim?Whydidshegobehindhisbackandconfrontateenagegirl,throwshitather,forGod’ssake?AndafterMaryranoff,didJaninejustleavetheitemsforanyonetofind?Ordidshe…coulditbelikeShannonsaid,thatwhoeverdiscardedthoseitemswasthemurderer,andthe“whoever”washiswife?Butwhy?Tohurthim?Mary?Both?
Mattgrabbedthesoapscrubber.Themosquitobitesweredrivinghimcrazy—thewarmwatermust’vethawedthemoutofdormancy—andeverycellinhisbrainwasscreamingforsomething,anything,toripintotheitchandscratchuntilitbled.Hescoured,roughandfast,savoringthereliefofthemeshbitingintohisskin,thestingofthemintsoapseepingin.
“Honey?Youinthere?”Theshowerdoorclunkedopen.
“I’malmostdone,”hesaid.
“It’sAbe.He’shere.”Janinelookedpanicky,herforeheadlinedwithcrinkleszigzaggingindifferentdirections.“Hesaysheneedstotalktoyourightnow.Heseemsupset.Ithink”—shebroughtherhandtohermouthandgnawedathernails—“maybehefoundout.”
“Foundoutwhat?”Mattsaid.
“Youknowwhat.”Janinelookedstraightintohiseyes.“Aboutthecigarettes.AboutyouandMary.”
JANINEWASRIGHT.Abewasagitated.Hetriedtohideit,smiledandshookMatt’shand(Matthatedhandshakes,hatedtherepulsed-yet-curiouslookpeoplegotbeforetheirnormalhandtouchedhisdeformedone,butitwasbetterthantheawkwardnessofpretendingnottonoticesomeone’shandthrustyourway),buthewastwitchyandominous-sounding,sayingheneededtotalktothemseparately,Mattfirst.WhichprobablymeantJaninewasrightaboutAbeknowingabouthimandMary,smoking,thewholebit.Whatelsewould’vepromptedAbe’slookingathimthatway(ornotlookingathim,rather)—likeasuspectinsteadofhisstarwitness?
Whentheywerealone,Abesaid,“Wetrackeddowntherepwhotookthearsoncall.”
Matthadtostophimselffromlettingoutanaudiblesigh;thiswasn’taboutMary,afterall.TheintensityofhisreliefmadeMattrealizeagainhowstupidhe’dbeen,doingsomethingthatbroughtsomuchshameattheslightestprospectofdiscovery.“Okay,sowhowasit?Pak?”
Abeputhishandsonhischin,hisfingersformingasteeple,andlookedathimasifdecidingsomething.“We’llgettothat,butfirst,Iwantyoutolookatthis.”Heslappeddownadocument.“Thisisthebillyougotcross-examinedabout,theonewiththearsoncall.Lookatthephonenumberandtimeofeachcall,andtellmeifyoufindcallsyoudon’trecognize.”
Mattlookedthroughthelist.Mostwerecallstohisansweringservice,thehospital,sometohisoffice,sometoJanine’s.Onetothefertilityclinic,whichwasunusual—Janineusuallydealtwiththose—butnotoverlyso,ashesometimescalledifhewasrunninglate.“No.Theonlycallthatsticksoutistheinsuranceone.”
Abehandedhimaseconddocument:anotherbill,thisonemissingthetopportionwiththedateandphonenumber.“Howaboutthisone?”Abesaid.“Anythinglookoutofplace?”
Thissheet,likethefirst,listedcallstoandfromhisansweringservice,thehospital,hisoffice,andJanine’soffice.“Nope.Nothingoutofplace,”Mattsaid.
“Notcountingtheinsurancecall,isoneofthesebillsmoretypicalofthecallsyouusuallymake?”
Mattlookedagain.“IguessthissecondonebecauseIdon’tnormallycallthefertilityclinic.Butwhy?What’sthisabout?”
Abetouchedthetwosheetsonthetable.“Theseareactuallyfromthesameday.Thisone”—hetappedthesecondone—“istherecordforJanine’sphone,notyours.”
Mattlookedbackandforthbetweenthesheets.SomethingaboutthewayAbesaid“notyours”—mysterious,inthatgotcha!tonehelikedtouseincourt—toldMattthiswasanimportantpoint,butitwashardtothink.Whatwashemissing?
Abesaid,“Iunderstandyouhavethesameflipphoneandtheygotswitchedonce,rightaroundthedayoftheinsurancecall,isn’tthatright?”
Wasit?Thatwastheproblemwithreconstructingthepast:now,August21,2008,wasaVeryImportantDay,thedateofTheCall,butbackthen,ithadbeenjustanotherday,filledwiththesameerrandsandconsultationsasanyotherday.Whocouldrememberifthephoneswitch—inconvenient,yes,butnothingyourecordedforposterity—happenedonthisdateoroneofthemanydaysjustlikeit?
Mattshookhishead.“I’venoideawhenthatwas.Butwhydoesthateven…Wait,areyousaying…youthinkJaninemadethatcall?”
Abedidn’tsayanything,justkeptstaringwiththatstupidgive-away-nothinglook.
“Isthatwhatthecustomer-serviceguysaid?”Mattsaid.“Tellme.Rightnow.”
Abenarrowedhiseyesforamoment.“Itwasn’tPak.ItwassomeonewithnormalEnglish,noaccent.Forsomemarketingstudytheyhadthen,theyhadtomakenotesonanythingunusuallikethat.”
Mattshookhishead.“No.There’snowayit’sJanine.Shehadnoreasontocall.Imean,whywouldshedothat?”
“Well,ifyou’reShannonHaug,youmightsaysheworkedwithPaktoget1.3milliondollars,andshecalledtomakesuretheinsurancewouldpayoutiftheywentaheadwiththeirplantosetfiretothebarnandblameathirdparty.”
MattlookedatAbe’seyes,unblinkingasifAbedidn’twanttomissamicrosecondofMatt’sreaction.“Andyou?”Mattsaid.“Whatwouldyousay?”
Abe’slipsrelaxed—intoasemi-smileorsmirk,Mattcouldn’ttell.“Obviously,itdependsonwhatyouandJaninehavetosay.ButI’dhopetobeabletotellthejurythatShannonisbeingmelodramaticasusual,andthisisasimplecaseofspousesswitchingphonesbymistakeoneday,andthewifemakingcallsinthenormalcourseofbusiness,oneofwhichjusthappenedtobeacalltocheckontheadequacyofinsuranceforabusinesssheservesasmedicaladvisor.”
ItscaredMattalittle,howtheselawyerscouldtakeagivensetoffactsandspintheminoppositedirections.Notthatitdidn’thappeninmedicine—twodoctorscouldarriveatdiametricallyopposeddiagnosesforthesamesymptoms,happenedallthetime.Butdoctorswereatleasttryingtogetatthetruth.MattgotthefeelingthatAbecaredaboutthetruthonlyinsofarasitwasconsistentwithhistheoryofthecase;otherwise,notsomuch.Anynewevidencethatdidn’tfitwasnotcausetoreconsiderhisposition,butsomethingtoexplainaway.
“So,”Abesaid,“letmeaskyouagain.IsAugust21,2008,thedaywhenyouswitchedphonesbyaccident?LetmeremindyouthatyouyourselfsaidthatJanine’srecords”—Abetouchedthesecondsheet—“aremorerepresentativeofthecallsyounormallymake.”
Thisquestionconfirmedit.Abewastalkingtohimnottofindthetruth,buttocoachhimintocorroboratingtheversionofeventsthatwouldmaketheProblematicNewEvidencegoaway.Itpissedhimoff,becomingapawninAbe’sdamagecontrol.ButnotgoingalongmightmeanmorequestionstoandaboutJanine,whichhecouldn’tlethappen.Mattnodded.“IthinkAugust21iswhenweswitchedphones.”
“AndIwouldimaginethat,astheadvisormostfluentinEnglish,Janinetookcareofmanybusinessmatters,includinginsuranceissues.Isthathowyourememberit?”
“Yes,”Mattsaid.“That’sexactlyhowIrememberit.”
HESTEPPEDOUTontothedeckandwatchedtheshadowsinthecurtainscastbyAbeandJanine,sittingacrossthetablelikeopponentsinachessmatch.Itwasrainingthewayhewasfeeling—weakandlazy,likethecloudswereexhaustedfromallthethunderingandwerenowslumbering,droolingwarmspitonceinawhile.Matthatedpost-stormsummerdrizzlelikethis,hatedthewayhisskinturnedpuffyandsticky.Buttonight,itseemedappropriate,themisery.Themuggyairheavyinhislungs,weighinghimdown.
Ithadbeenbadenoughearlier,withwhathe’dknownthen:rightbeforetheexplosion,Janinehadbeenon-sitewiththemurderweapon,furycoursingthroughher.ButaddtothatFact#6,courtesyofAbe:she’dcalledMiracleSubmarine’sinsurertoaskaboutarsoncoveragetheweekbeforeitsdestructionbyarson.Fuck!
Whenhesawtheshadowedfiguresstandandleave,followedbythefrontdoorsqueakingshut,hethoughtbrieflyofrunningaway,howmucheasierandmorepleasantthenextseveralhourswouldbeifhejustgotinhiscaranddrovearoundtheBeltwayafewtimes,hardrockblaring.Instead,hewentintothekitchen,notbotheringtotakeoffhisshoesasJanineliked,gottheTanquerayfromthefreezer,andchugged.Fucktheshoes,fuckthecup.
Theicyliquidwentstraightdown,burninghisthroatandsettlingintoahotpoolinhisstomach.Itwasnearlyinstantaneous,thewaythewarmthspreadoutwardtowardhislimbs,cellbycell—likedominoes,oneofthoselong,complexdesignsmadeoutofthousandsofpieces,fallingonebyone,butsofast,thelastonefallingwithinsecondsofthefirst.
MattwasbringingthebottlebacktohismouthwhenJaninewalkedin.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthat,”shesaid.
Hesluggedthebottleback.Histonguetingled,onthevergeofgoingnumb.
Janinesnatchedthebottlefromhimandslammeditdown,theclangofglassagainstthegranitecountermakinghimwince.“Abetoldme—yousaidImadethatarsoncall.Whythefuckwouldyousaythat,toaprosecutor,ofallpeople?Whatmakesyoueventhinkthat?”
Mattthoughtofprotesting,sayinghedidn’tsaythatexactly,hemerelysaidthatitwaslikely,butreally,whatwasthepoint?Whypussyfootaroundtheperipherywhenhecouldgostraightforthebull’s-eye?HelookedatJanine,breathedin,andsaid,“Iknowaboutthenightoftheexplosion.YourmeetingwithMary.”
Itwaslikeflippingthroughthefacial-emotionidentificationbookElizabethusedtoquizHenrywith,onepictureperemotion.Shock.Panic.Fear.Curiosity.Relief.AllflashingacrossJanine’sfaceinquicksuccessionbeforefinallymorphingintothelastemotion:resignation.Shelookedaway
Mattsaid,“Whydidyounevertellme?Awholeyear,andnotafuckingword?Whatwereyouthinking?”
Janine’sfacechangedthen.Thedefensivenesszappedaway,instantlyreplacedbyalooksodifferent,sheseemedtobeanotherpersonaltogether.Likeabullabouttocharge,chindownandpupilscontracted,allthepent-upindignationinherbodyboileddowntotwopinpointsreadytofire.“You’relecturingme?Seriously?Whataboutyourcigarettes,thematches,thefuckingnoteyouwrotetoateenagegirl?Ididn’tseeyoucomingtome,baringyoursoul.Who’stheonekeepingincriminatingsecretshere?”
Janine’swordswerelikeicicles,puncturingthealcohol-infusedwarmthblanketinghim.Shewasright,ofcourse.Whowashetobeself-righteous?Hewastheonewho’dstarteditall—thehiding,lies,secrets.Hefelteverymuscledeflateandslump,fromhisbrowdowntohiscalves.“You’reright,”hesaid.“Ishould’vetoldyou.Longago.”
Hisquasi-apologyseemedtodrainJanine’sanger,thefurrowsinherbrowsofteningattheedges.“Sotellme.Everything.”
Itwasfunny,howhe’dbeendreadingthismomentwhenhe’dhavetotellheraboutMary,andyet,nowthatitwashere,hefeltmorerelievedthananythingelse.Hestartedwiththetruth,withbeingstressedaboutthewholefertilitythingandbuyingcigarettesonawhim,probablyasasabotageeffort.Ithurthispositionintheargument—inthewholemarriage,really—toadmitthis,butthatwasthethingaboutlying:youhadtothrowinoccasionalkernelsofshamefultruthstoserveasdecoysforthethingsyoureallyneededtohide.Howeasyitwas,toanchorhislieswiththesefragmentsofvulnerablehonesty,thentwistthedetailstobuildabelievablestory.HesaidMaryfoundhimsmokingbythecreekandheletherbumcigaretteseventhoughshewastooyoung(true),thathefeltguilty(true,thoughnotaboutthesmoking)andresolvednottodoitagain(nottrue),butthensheaskedhimtobuymorecigarettesforherandherfriends(nottrue),andshestartedsendinghimnotesaskingtomeether(true)tobringcigarettes(nottrue),andheignoredallhernotes(nottrue),musthavebeentenatleast(true),untilhefinallydecidedthatallthishadtoend(true,althoughagain,notbecauseofthesmoking)andsentherthatfinalnotesayingithadtoendandtomeethimat8:15thatnight(true).
WhenJaninesaid,“So,thecigarettesIfound,thosearewhatyouboughtthatfirstday?”Mattsaidyes,yes,ofcourse,heboughtjustonepack(nottrue)and—themostandleasttruthfulthinghesaid—“Anyway,itwasjustonce.”(Truethat“it”happenedonlyonce,ahorrifying,humiliatingonceonMary’sbirthdaythatstartedwhenshestumbledontopofhim.Nottruewithrespecttosmoking.)
Forafullminuteafterhefinishedhisstory,Janinesaidnothing.Shesatacrossthetableandlookedathimwithoutaword,asiftryingtoreadsomethinginhisface.Helookedback,maintainingeyecontactasifdaringhernottobelievehim.Finally,shelookedaway,thensaid,“Thatnightbeforetheexplosion,whenIfoundhernote,whydidn’tyoutellmethen?”
“Youknowher.We’refriendswithherparents,andyoumight’vefeltobligatedtotellthem,anditdidn’tseemlikethatbigadeal.Annoying,but…”Heshrugged.“How’dyoufindout?Thatitwasn’tanintern,Imean.”
“Thenextday,”Janinesaid,“Iwaswalkingbyyourcarinthehospitallot,andIsawanoteontheseataboutmeetingat8:15.”Thatwasbullshit.Nowayhe’dleftthatnoteoutintheopen.He’dbetanythingshespentthatwholemorningcombingthroughhispockets,e-mails,eventrash.
“GiventhatHBOTendsafter8:00,”shecontinued,“Ifiguredthere’snotmanypeopleyoucouldbemeeting.Certainlynotahospitalintern.SoIwentthroughthecarandfoundanotheronesayingsomethingaboutSATwords.Thatmadeitprettyclearwhoitwas.”
Herememberedthatnote.Maryalwayslefthernotesunderthewipers,butitwasraining,soshe’dusedthesparekeyinthemagneticholderunderhiscarandtapedthenotetothesteeringwheel.She’ddrawnasmileyface,andhe’dlaughedatheryouth,theinnocence.
“Sowhydidn’tyoucometalktomeaboutit?”Mattsaidthisgently,carefultomakeitsoundlikeaquestionofcuriosity,notanaccusation.
“Idon’tknow.IguessIwasn’tsurewhatitwasallabout,soIwentouttheretosee.Butthedivewasdelayed,andshewasalone,soIjust…”Janinelookedatherhands,usingafingertiptotracethelinesonherotherhandlikeafortune-teller.“Howdidyoufindout?”
“Iwenttotalktoher,lastnight.Abesaidsomethingabouthertestifying,andIhadn’ttalkedtoherinayear,soIfiguredIshouldfindoutwhatshe’sgonnasay,youknow?”
Janinenoddedslowly,almostimperceptibly,andhethoughthesawasliverofreliefwhenhesaidhehadn’ttalkedtoMaryallthistime.“Ithoughtshedidn’trememberanything,”Janinesaid.“That’swhatYoungsaid.”
“Maybenottheexplosion.Butshedefinitelyremembersyour”—Mattsearchedfortherightword—“visitthatnight.Sheonlysaidsomethingtomeaboutitbecausesheassumedyoualreadytoldme.”Mattswallowedthenextwordsthatweredyingtocomeuphisthroat,thewhy-the-hell-didn’t-you-tell-me.He’dlearnedearlyon—fightsinamarriagewerelikeseesaws.Youneededtobalanceblamecarefully.Youpiletoomuchblameononeperson,letthemthunkdowntotheground,they’reliabletostandandwalkaway,sendyouflyingdownonyourass.
Janinechewedtheskinaroundhernails.Afterawhile,shesaid,“Ididn’tseetheneed.Intellingyou,Imean.Peopleweredead,youwereburned,shewasinacoma,andthenotesandmytalkingtoher,allthatseemedsostupid.Petty.Noneofitseemedtomatteranymore.”
Exceptforthefactthatyouwerethere,atthecrimescene,atthetimeofthecrime,weaponinhand,Mattthought.Thepolicemightthinkthatmattersalot.
Asifsheknewwhathewasthinking,howherexcusemustsound,Janinesaid,“Whenthepolicestartedtalkingaboutcigarettes,Ithoughtaboutsayingsomethingthen,butwhatcouldIsay?Idroveanhourtogoaskateenagegirltostopsendingnotestomyhusband?Oh,andyeah,bytheway,beforeIleft,Igavehercigarettesandmatches,possiblythesameonesthatcausedtheexplosion?”
Gave.Evenashewasmarvelingathowshe’dmanagedtomakethrowingshitatsomeonesoundlikesomesortofgift,herealizedthebiggersignificanceofJanine’swordchoice.Gaveimpliedthattherecipient,Mary,tookpossessionoftheitemsinquestion.“Wait,soafteryou,um,gaveherthatstuff,didshemaybedropitandleaveitbehindwithyou,ordidyouleaveherwithit?”Thealcoholwasslushinhisbrainnow,makingithardtothink,butthisseemedimportantsomehow.
“What?Idon’tknow.Whatdifferencedoesitmake?Webothleft.AllIknowis,Itoldhertokeepthatstuffawayfromyouandnotsendyoumorenotesoranythingelse.”
Janinesaidsomethingelse—somethingaboutthosecigarettesbeingleftinthewoods,anditmakinghersick,thethoughtofElizabeth,anobviouslymentallyillwoman,comingacrossthosecigarettesatjusttherightmomentandusingthemformurder—butMatt’smindremainedfixedonthequestionofwholasthadthosecigarettes.WhenhethoughtJaninehadthem,he’dconsideredthepossibilityofherhavingsetthefire.ButifJanineleftfirst,ifMarywastheonewholasthadthem,wasitpossiblethatshe—
“Tomorrow,”Janinewassaying,“Abewantsmetogiveavoicesample.”
“What?”
“Hewantsmetorecordmyvoicesotheycanplayitforthecustomer-serviceguy.It’sridiculous.Itwasatwo-minuteconversationayearago.There’snowaythisguy’sgoingtorememberavoicefromayearago,right?Imean,hedoesn’tevenknowifit’samanorawoman.TheonlythingheknowsisthatthepersonspokenormalEnglishwithnoaccent,whateverthatmeans.Andthinkofhowmanypeoplecould’veswipedyourphoneforaminute.Idon’tknowwhyAbe’sdoingthis.”
NormalEnglishwithnoaccent.Could’veswipedyourphoneforaminute.Itoccurredtohimthen—whathe’dbeenoverlookingbecausehe’dneverentertainedthepossibility,beenblindtoituntilnow.
Maryknewwherehehidthesparekeytohiscar.Shecould’veopenedhiscarandusedhiscellphoneallshewanted.AndshespokeperfectEnglish.Withnoaccent.
THETRIAL:DAYFOUR
Thursday,August20,2009
JANINE
THEINTERNETARTICLESONPOLYGRAPHSmadeitsoundsoeasy:relaxandcontrolyourbreathingtoloweryourheartrate,respiratoryrate,andbloodpressure,andyou,too,canliewithabandon!Butitdidn’tmatterhowlongshesatinayogapose,picturingoceanwavesandtakingcleansingbreaths.EverytimesheevenpicturedMatt’sphone(letalonethecall),herbloodwentfromlazybrooktoClass5white-waterrapids,asifitsensedthedangeritposedandneededtoescape,stat,sendingherheartpumpinginpanicmode.
Itwasironicthatafterallhermisdeedsandlies,itwastheinsurancecall—noteventhecallitself,butherswitchingphoneswithMattonthedayofthecall—thatwasabouttounravelherworld.Andmoreironic:shehadn’tneededtocall.Shecould’veeasilysearchedonlineor,actually,justguessed—whatfirepolicydidn’tcoverarson?—butPakhadrattledher,firstwithhisgoingonaboutcigarettes,andthenhishemmingandhawing,sayingmaybetheirwholearrangementhadbeenamistake,soshe’dcalledtheinsureronthespurofthemoment,justasaquickcheck.AndtohavethatdayofalldaysbetheonewhenshehadMatt’sphone!Ifhe’dswitchedtheirphonesonadifferentdayorifshe’dusedherofficephone(she’dbeenatherdesk,rightnexttoit!),nothingwouldbeonthatdamnphonebillandeverythingwouldbefine.
Sheshould’vecomeforwardwiththetruthtwodaysago,whenShannonfirstbroughtupthecall.(Well,notthewholetruth;justthepartaboutthecall.)Shecould’veconfessedtoAbeandgivensomeplausibleexplanation,likewantingtoconfirmthatherparents’investmentinMiracleSubmarinewasfullyprotected.Theycould’velaughedatShannon’soverzealousness,pinningPakasamurdererbecauseanabsentmindedhusbandtookthewrongphoneonemorning.ButthewaythatlawyerwentafterPak—itmadeJaninepanic,wonderifshe’dswitchherfocustoJanine,investigatehercalls,questionhermotives,poreoverherphonerecords,including,possibly,her“celltowerpings.”WhatwouldShannondoifsheknewthatJaninehadbeenonthepremisesjustminutesbeforetheexplosion,thatshe’dhadthoseCamelsinherhandsthatnight,thatshe’dliedaboutitforayear?Wouldn’tsheseizeontheinsurancecall,useitasproofofJanine’smotiveforarsonandmaybeevenmurder?
Ithadbeeneasytodonothing,saynothing.Andoncethemomentpassed,shecouldn’tcomeforwardlater.Thatwasthethingaboutlies:theydemandedcommitment.Onceyoulied,youhadtosticktoyourstory.Lastnight,whenAbesatherdownandlaidoutexactlywhathadhappened,downtotheswitchedphone,she’dthought,Heknows.Heknowseverything.Andyetshecouldn’tadmittoit,couldn’tletherselfgiveintotheintensehumiliationofbeingcaughtinalie.Atthatmoment,hecould’veshownhervideoproofofhercall,somethingincontrovertible,andshestillwould’vedeniedit,saidsomethingridiculouslike,I’mbeingframed,thistapeisfake!Itwasatypeofloyalty—toherstory,toherself.Themorehethrewather—theyfoundthecustomer-servicerep,they’dfindtherecordingsoon—shebecamemoreset:itwasn’ther.
Lastnight,afterMatt’sconfessiontoher,hispleaforhonesty,shethoughtabouttellinghim.Buttoexplainwhyshe’dliedaboutthecall,she’dhavetotellhimeverything—herdealwithPak,theirdecisiontokeepthearrangementsecret,howshe’dinterceptedtheirbankstatementstohidethepaymentsshe’dsocarefullyspreadthroughoutmultipleaccountsovermultiplemonths—andthat,shewasn’tsuretheirmarriagecouldsurvive.
Still,shemight’vedoneit,confessedeverythingtoMatt,ifhisownconfessionaboutMaryhadbeenthesordidtaleshe’dassumedittobe.Butthefactthathisstorywassoinnocuous,bereftofanywrongdoing—thathadmadeherfeelidioticathowshe’doverreactedonthedayoftheexplosion(anunderstatementifthereeverwasone),andshecouldn’t.
Sohereshewas,abouttogotoaprosecutor’sofficeinamurderinvestigationforavoicesample.Thatpart,shewasn’tworriedabout.Therewasnowaytherepwouldrememberhervoicefromatwo-minutecallayearago.Butthelie-detectortest(Abehadsaiditonhiswayout,almostcasually—“Ifthevoicesample’sinconclusive,there’salwaysapolygraph!”)—whatwouldthatfeellike,beingbehindaone-waymirror,tiedtoamachine,answeringnotoquestionafterquestion,knowingthatherownbody—herlungs,herheart,herblood—wasbetrayingher?
Shehadtobeatit.Thatwasalltherewastoit.Here—anarticleaboutpassingpolygraphsbypressingdownonthumbtacksinyourshoewhileansweringtheinitial“control”questions,thetheorybeingthatpaincausesthesamephysiologicalsymptomsaslying,sotheycan’tdifferentiatebetweentrueandfalseanswers.Thatmadesense.Itcouldwork
JanineclosedtheWebbrowser.SheopenedtheInternetsettings,wipedherhistoryclean,loggedoff,andshutthecomputerdown.Shetiptoedintoherroom,carefulnottowakeMatt,andwentintotheclosettolookforthumbtacks.
MATT
MARYWASWEARINGwhatshealwaysworeinhisdreams:theredsundressfromtheirfinalmeetinglastsummer,onherseventeenthbirthday.Asinallhisdreams,Mattsaidshelookedbeautifulandkissedher.Softatfirst,closedlipsonclosedlips,thenharder,suckingherbottomlip,takingintheplumpnessandsqueezingwithhisownlips.Heloweredthespaghettistrapsandtouchedherbreasts,feelingthesoftnessgivewaytotheroughhardnessofthenipples.Thiswaswhenthedreamversionofhimselfrealizedthiswasadream,thatonlyinadreamworldcouldhisfingersfeelanything.
Inreallife,he’dpretendednottonoticethedress.ItwastheWednesdaybeforetheexplosion,andwhenhewenttothecreekattheusualtime(8:15p.m.),shewassittingonalog,alitcigaretteinonehandandplasticcupintheother,hershouldersslumpedlikeanoldwomanattheendofalong,hardday.Itwasinfectious,herloneliness,andhewantedtotakeherinhisarms,displacethatdesolationwithsomething—anything—else.Instead,hesatdownandsaid,“Heythere,”forcingintohisvoicealightnesshedidn’tfeel.
“Joinme,”shesaid,handinghimanothercupfilledwithclearliquid.
“Whatisit?”hesaid,butbeforeheevenfinishedthesentence,hesmelleditandlaughed.“Peachschnapps?You’vegottabekiddingme.Ihaven’thadthatintenyears.”Hiscollegegirlfriendhadlovedthestuff.“Ican’ttakethis.”Hehandeditback.“You’refiveyearsfromdrinkingage.”
“Four,actually.It’smybirthdaytoday.”Shepushedthedrinkback.
“Wow,”hesaid,unsureofwhattosay.“Shouldn’tyoubecelebratingwithyourfriends?”
“IaskedsomepeoplefromSATclass,buttheywerebusy.”Maybeshesawthepityinhiseyes,becausesheshruggedandsaidwithaforcedbrightness,“Butmeanwhile,you’rehere,andI’mhere.Socomeon,drinkup.Justthisonce.Youcan’tletmedrinkaloneonmybirthday.It’sbadluckorsomething.”
Itwasastupididea.Andyet,thewayshelooked,herlipsstretchedintoasmilesowidebothrowsofteethshowed,buteyespuffyandglassylikeshe’dbeencrying—itremindedhimofoneofthosekids’puzzleswhereyou’resupposedtomatchthetophalftothebottom,andthekid’sscrewedup,puttingthesadforeheadwiththehappymouth.Helookedatherfauxsmile,themixofhopeandpleadinginherraisedeyebrows,andtappedhiscupagainsthers.“Happybirthday.”Hegulped.
Theysatlikethatforanhour,thentwo,drinkingandtalking,talkinganddrinking.MarytoldhimhoweventhoughshealwaysspokeEnglishnow,shestilldreamedinKorean.Matttoldherhowthiscreekremindedhimofhischildhooddog,howhe’dburiedherbyacreekjustlikethiswhenshedied.Theydebatedwhethertonight’sskywasmoreorange-red(Mary)orpurple-red(Matt),andwhichwasbetter.MarytoldhimhowsheusedtohateSeoul’sovercrowding—classrooms,buses,streets—butnowshemissedit,howlivingheredidn’tmakeherfeelpeacefulbutmerelylonelyandsometimeslost.Shetoldhimhowmuchshedreadedstartingschoolhere,howshesaidhitosometeenagersherageintownandnoonesaidhiback,juststaredwiththesego-the-fuck-back-where-you-came-fromlooks,andlater,sheoverheardthembashingherfamily’sbusinessas“ching-chongvoodoo.”MatttoldheraboutJanine’srefusaltoevenconsideradoption,howhe’dbeenplanninghisdaysoffsotheyconflictedwithJanine’s,toavoidbeingalonewithherinthehouse.
Aroundten,whenthevestigesofthesunsetfadedanddarknessfinallysetin,Marystoodup,sayingshewasdizzyandneededwater.Hestoodup,too,andwassayingheshouldgetgoinganyway,whenshestumbledoverarockandfellagainsthim.Hetriedtosteadyher,buthealsostumbled,andtheybothendedupontheground,laughing,herontopofhim.
Theytriedtogetup,butasdrunkastheywere,theyendedupentangled,herthighspressingandshiftingagainsthisgroin,andhegothard.Hetriednotto,toldhimselfhewasthirty-threeandshewasseventeenandthiswasprobablyafelony,forGod’ssake.Butthethingwas,hedidn’tfeeloverthirty,andnotjustintheeveryday,I-don’t-feel-as-old-as-my-agewayhefeltaroundthoseteenagehospitalvolunteers,wonderinghowhe’dgottentobesomeonetheycalled“Sir.”Itmayhavebeenthepeachschnapps.Notthealcohol(thoughtherewasthat)butthewayitburnedgoingdownandsettledhotinhisstomach,sweettanginesslingeringinhismouthandnose.Itwasaninstanttimemachinetothosehighschooldaysofgettingdrunkwithsomegirlandmakingoutforhoursandjerkingoffafter,andsittingherenow,drinkingfartoomuchofthatshit,havingoneofthosetalk-about-everything-and-nothingconversationshehadn’thadsincecollege—hefeltyoung.Besides,Marysureashelldidn’tlooklikeaninnocentgirlinthatdress,atrappingofseductionifheeversawone.
Sohekissedher.Ormaybeshekissedhim.Hisheadwassludge;itwashardtothink.Later,he’dhyperanalyzeeveryframeofhismemoryofthismomentforanycluethatshewasn’ttheenthusiasticparticipanthe’dassumedhertobe—hadshesquirmedtogetaway?hadshemumbledno,howeverfaintly?—butthetruthwas,he’dbeenoblivioustoeverythingexceptthepartsofherbodyincontactwithhis,andherreactions,hersoundsandmovements—thosehadn’tbeenafactoratall.He’dclosedhiseyesandfocusedeveryneurononthesensationofthekiss,thenewnessofherlipsandtongueandteethaddingtothesurrealfeelingofbeingtransportedbacktohisteens.Hedidn’twantthismoment,thepurephysicalityofit,tostop,sohewrappedhisarmsaroundher,onearoundherheadtokeephermouthagainsthis,andtheotheraroundherhips,steeringherpelvisagainsthisliketeenagersgrinding.Hefeltadeepwellingofpressurestemmingfromhisscrotum,buildingandbuilding.Heneededrelease.Rightnow.Eyesstillclosed,heunzippedhispants,grabbedherhand,andpusheditinsidehisunderwear.Hecuppedhishandoverherfingers,wrappingandholdingthemtightaroundhispenis,andguidedthemintoanup-downrhythm,itsmasturbatoryfamiliaritycombiningwiththeunfamiliarsmoothnessofherlipsandpalmstodrivehimintoafeveredfrenzy.
Quickly,muchtooquickly,hecame,thethrobsofthecontractionssointense,theyweredeliciouslypainful,sendingtinglesofelectricitydownhislegstohistoes.Theloudbuzzofalcoholcloggedhisearsandwhiteflashesburnedbehindhiseyelids.Hefeltweak,andhereleasedhisgrasponMary’sheadandhand.
Ashelayback,lettheworldgoaroundincircles,hefeltsomethingpressagainsthischest—butweakly,almosttentatively—andrecoil.Heopenedhiseyes.Hisheadwobbledandtheworldspun,buthesawasmallhand,abovehischest—herhand,Mary’shand.Shaking.Andrightaboveit,theovalofheropenmouth,andhereyes,sowidetheyprotruded,staringatherstickyhand,thenturningtolookathim,athisstill-erectpenis.Fear.Shock.Butmostofall,confusion,asifshedidn’tunderstandanyofthis,didn’tknowwhatthatwascoatingherfingers,didn’tknowwhatthatthingwas,pokingoutofhisotherwise-onpants,likeachild.Agirl.
Heranaway.Hehadnomemoryofhow—hecouldn’trememberstanding,letalonehowhemanagedtodrivehomewiththatmuchalcoholinhissystem.Whenhewokeupthenextmorning,hishangovermaulinghisbody,hehadamomentofdesperatehopeoftheincidentbeinganalcohol-inducedhallucinationofsomesort.Butthesemen-stainresidueonhispants,themudcakedonhisshoes—thoseconfirmedtherealityofwhatheremembered,andshameengulfedhim,bringingbackthebuzzinhisears,thewhiteflashesinhiseyes.
Hedidn’ttalktoMaryafterthatnight.Hetriedto—toexplainandapologize(and,ifhewasbeinghonest,toseeifshe’dtoldanyone),butshewentoutofherwaytoavoidhim.Hemanagedtoleaveherafewnotes—hehadtogotoherSATclassandfindhercar—butshewroteback,Idon’tknowwhyweneedtodiscussit.Can’twejustforgetiteverhappened?Buthecouldn’tforgetit,couldn’tletherlethimoffthateasy.Whichwaswhyheleftherthatnow-famousH-Martnote,whichhiswifeendedupthrowinginherface,accusingherofstalkinghim!
Ithadbeenayearsincethatordeal,buttheshameandguiltandhumiliationofthatnight—thoseneverwentaway.Mostofthetime,theylayinertinatightlyknottedcoilinhisgut.ButwheneverhethoughtofMary,andsometimeswhenhedidn’t,whenhewaseatingordrivingorwatchingTV,thatknotofshameerupted.
Thatnightwasthelasttimehe’dhadanorgasm.Itwasn’tjustMary,butthatplustheexplosionandtheamputationrightafter—theone-two-threepunchofit—knockedoutwhateversexualdesireremainedinhim.Notthathenevertriedsexagain.Butthefirsttime,whenhestartedtheirusualforeplay—circlingJanine’snippleswithhisthumbs—herealized:hecouldn’tfeelanything.Hehadnoideaifhistouchwastoohardortoosoft,couldn’tgaugeherreadinessbyfeelingherwetness.Histherapistshadtaughthimhowtotype,eat,evenwipehisasswithwhatfeltlikebaseballmittsoverhishands.Butthere’dbeennoHowtoGetYourWifeOffsession,noalternativefondlingtechniques.Itmadehimwanttoscream,thisdiscoveryofyetanotherelementofhislifetheexplosionhadfuckedover,andhecouldn’tgethard.
Janinetriedablowjob,andthatworkedforaminute,buthemadethemistakeofopeninghiseyes.ThefuzzyfilmofmoonlightmadevisiblethelongcurtainsofJanine’shair,swingingasherheadbobbedupanddown.ItmadehimthinkofMary,thewayherhairhadswungaboutherfaceasshepushedherselfupfromhisbody.Hewentsoftimmediately.
ThathadbeenthebeginningofMatt’simpotence.Janine,blessher,kepttrying,resortingtothingsshe’doncescoffedatasdenigratingtowomen—slittednegligees,dildos,porn—butnoneofthatcompensatedforhisfeelingclumsyandinadequateinbed,letalonehisshameaboutMary,andhecouldn’tmakeanythinghappen,evenbyhimself.Theonetimehe’dtried(inthebathroomafterafailedJaninesession,outofpaniche’dlostitforever),hishandfeltunfamiliar,thescars’simultaneousslicknessandbumpinessenhancingeveryrub,notatalllikemasturbation.Beingabletoseebutnotfeelhishandholdinghispenisaddedtothetrippyfeel,thesensationthatitwasnothimtouchinghimself,butratherastranger,andhefeltthatthrillofnewness.Butthen,thethought:Washeactuallyturnedonbythethoughtofamalestranger’shandjerkinghimoff?
Afewtimes,he’dcomeclosetonocturnalemissions,whichMattusedtothinkwasalmostworsethannoneatall(withtheevanescentmillisecondofgratificationnotworththepatheticreversiontopuberty)butwhichhe’dstartedprayingfor,ifonlytoreassurehimselfthathisorgasmwasn’tdead,merelydormant.Theproblemwas,Maryalwaysinvadedhisdream,andsomedeep-seatedpedophilic/rapeguiltsensorwokehimup.Untiltonight.
Tonight,hekeptgoing.Tookoffherpanties.Lethertakeoffhispantsandunderwear.Ashegotontopandspreadherlegs,hehelduphismutilatedhandsandsaid,“Youwreckedme.”Shesaid,“Becauseyouwreckedmefirst,”thenraisedherhipstopushhimintoher,tighter,wetter,andmorereal-feelingthanhe’dfeltinyears,maybeever.Whenhecame,thedream-Maryscreamedandshatteredintoamillionglassparticles,thetinybeadsofglass-herexplodingintohiminslowmotion,pushingthroughhisskinandintohisbody,sendingtinglesofwarmthandpurejoyouttowardhislimbs.
“Honey,youup?”Janine’svoicecalled,wakinghim.Heclutchedtheblanketandturnedover,pretendingtostillbeasleepasshetoldhimshewasleavingearlyforthevoicesample.Hestayedstilluntilsheleft.Afterheheardhercardriveaway,hewentintothebathroom.Heturnedonthewaterandtriedtoscrubhisunderwearclean.
YOUNG
THEFIRSTTHINGSHENOTICEDuponwakingupwasthesunlight.Thecrookedcutoutthatservedastheirwindowwastoosmalltoletinmuchlight.Butwhenthesunwasinjusttherightposition,likenow—morning,whenthesunclimbedabovethetreesintothemiddleoftheirmakeshiftwindow,perfectlyframedbythesquarehole—itsurgedin,thesquarebeamoflightsostrongitlookedalmostsolidforthefirstmeterbeforediffusingintoanetherealbrightnessthatfloodedthewholeshackandgaveitafairy-talequality.Floatingmotesofdustglitteredintheveilofsunlight.Birdschirped.
Thethingaboutthebackwoodswashowdarkitbecameonmoonlessnightslikelastnight—thedarknotjustalackoflight,butitsownpresencewithmassandshape.Aninkyblacknesssoabsolute,itmadenodifferencewhethersheopenedorclosedhereyes.Formuchofthenight,she’dlainawake,listeningtoraindrummingtheroofandbreathingindankair,andresistedtheurgetoshakePakawake.Shewasabigbelieverinsleepingonproblemsbeforetakingaction.ItwasfunnyhowAmericanarticlesspoutedthewisdomofresolvingargumentsatday’send(“NeverGotoBedMad!”),whichwastheoppositeofcommonsense.Nightwastheworsttimeforfights—itsgloomintensifyinginsecuritiesandheighteningsuspicions—whereasifyouwaited,youalwayswokeupfeelingbetter,morereasonableandcharitable,thepassingtimeandbrightnessofthenewdaycoolingemotionsanddeflatingtheirpower.
Well,notalways.Forhereitwas,anewday—rainstopped,cloudsgone,airlightened—butinsteadoflastnight’sworriesseeminginconsequential,itwastheopposite,asifthepassageoftimehadcementedtherealityofthischangedworldinwhichherhusbandwasaliarandmaybeevenamurderer.Inthesurrealfuzzinessofthenight,therewasthepossibilityofthenewrealitynotbeingreal;themorning’sclaritysnatchedthataway.
Younggotup.AnoteonPak’spillowread:Iwentoutsideforfreshair.I’llbebackby8:30.Shelookedatherwatch.8:04.TooearlyforanyofherplanstoinvestigatePak’sstory—visitMr.Spinum,theirneighbor;calltheRealtorwhosenttheSeoullistings;usethelibrarycomputertosearchfore-mailsto/fromPak’sbrother—exceptone:askMaryexactlywhatshedidwithPakthenightoftheexplosion,minutebyminute.
YoungstompedtwiceoutsideMary’sshower-curtainedcorner—theirfauxknock—andsaid,“Mary,wakeup,”inKorean.Itwasatoss-upwhichwouldannoyMarymore,herspeakingEnglish(“Noonecanevenunderstandwhatyou’resaying!”)orKorean(“NowonderyourEnglishissobad—you’vegottopracticemore!”),butshedidn’twantthehandicapofusingaforeignlanguageforthistalk.SwitchingfromEnglishtoKoreandoubledherIQ,gavehereloquenceandcontrol,andshe’dneedthattorootoutallthedetails.“Wakeup,”shesaidlouder,stompingagain.Nothing.
Suddenly,sheremembered:todaywasMary’sbirthday.InKorea,they’dmadeafussoverherbirthdays,decoratingovernighttosurpriseherwithsignsandstreamerswhensheawoke.Younghadn’tcontinuedthisinAmerica—herstorehoursleftnotimeforanythingbeyondbasicnecessities—butstill,Marymightexpectsomethingspecialforhereighteenthbirthday,amilestoneyear.“Happybirthday,”Youngsaid.“I’mexcitedtoseemyeighteen-year-olddaughter.CanIcomein?”
Therewasnothing.Nosheetsrustling,nosnores,nodeepbreathsofsleep.“Mary?”Youngopenedthecurtain.
Marywasn’tthere.Hersleepmatwasrolledupinthecorner,sameaslastnight,andherpillowandblanketweremissing.Maryhadn’tslepthere.Butshe’dreturnedlastnight.Headlightshadstreamedinthewindowaboutmidnight,andthefrontdoorhadrattledopen.Hadsheleftagain,andYounghadn’theard?
Sheranout.Thecarwasthere,butMarywasn’tinside.Sherantotheshed.Empty.Buttherewasnowhereelsedryenoughtospendthenight,noplacewithinwalkingdistance…
Animagecametoherthen.Herdaughter,lyingflatonherbackinadarkmetaltube.
SheknewexactlywhereMaryhadsleptlastnight.
YOUNGDIDN’TGOINatfirst.Shestoodatthebarn’sedgeandopenedhermouthtocallforMary,butshesmelledsomethingstaleandchalkyandthoughtofburnedflesh,singedhair.Shetoldherselfitcouldn’tbe—ayearhadpassedsincethefire—andwalkedin,hereyesdowntoavoidtheindiciaoffire,butthatwasimpossible.Halfthewallsweregone,andmudpuddlesfromthestormcoveredwhatremainedofthefloor.Aswathofsunlightfromacaved-inholeintheroofshonedown,spotlightingthechamberlikeamuseumdisplay.Itsthicksteelframehadsurvivedthefireintact,butitsaquamarinepaintwasblisteredandtheglassportholesshattered.
Maryhadsleptheremostoflastsummer.Atfirst,they’dallsleptintheshack,butMarycomplainednonstop—thetoo-earlylights-out,too-earlymorningalarm,Pak’ssnoring,andsoon.WhenYoungpointedoutthiswastemporary,andbesides,they’dallsleptinoneroombackinKorea,pertradition,Marysaid(inEnglish),“Yeah,backwhenwewereactuallyafamily.Besides,ifyouwantKoreantraditionsomuch,whydon’twejustmoveback?Imean,howisthis”—Marysweptherarmsacrosstheshack—“betterthanwhatwehad?”
Youngwantedtosaysheunderstoodhowharditwastohavenospaceofherown,toconfesshowharditwasforPakandYoungherselftohavenoprivacytoevenbicker,letaloneothermaritalnecessities.ButthewayMarysneeredandrolledhereyes—openly,defiantly,asifYoungweresounworthyofrespectthatMarydidn’tevenneedtopretendtohidehercontempt—sentYoungintoatoxicfury,andshefoundherselfwishingshe’dneverhadMaryandyellingmaternalclichésshe’dpromisedherselfnevertosay:thatsomechildrenhadnofoodorshelter,anddidsherealizehowungratefulandselfishshewasbeing?(Thiswasthequintessentialskillofteenagedaughters:makingyouthinkandsaythingsyouregrettedevenasyouwerethinkingandsayingthem.)
Thenextday,Maryactedthewayshealwaysdidduringtheirfights:saccharinetoPak,acidictoYoung.Youngignoredit,butPak(cluelessasevertofilialmanipulations)relishedtheonslaughtofMary’saffection.YounghadtomarvelattheexpertwayMarymentioned—carefullycasual,withadiffident,almostapologetictone—howbadlyshe’dbeensleeping,thewaysheledhimtothinkherproposedsolution,sleepinginthechamber,wasactuallyhisidea.Marysleptthereeverynightuntiltheexplosion.
ThenightMarycamehomefromthehospital,shewenttosleepinhercornerinsidetheirhouse.ButwhenYoungwokeup,Marywasgone.Shelookedforhereverywhereexceptthebarn;itdidn’tevenoccurtoherthatMarymightcrosstheyellowtapeencirclingit,thatshecouldstandtogonear,muchlessinside,themetaltubewherepeoplewereburnedalive.Butpassingbyacharredholeinthebarnwall,Youngglimpsedaflashlightbythechamber.SheopenedthehatchandfoundMaryinside,lyingonherback.Nopillow,nomat,noblanket.Heronlychild,motionless,eyesclosed,armsstraightbyherside.Youngthoughtofcorpsesincoffins.Crematoriumovens.Shescreamed.
Theynevertalkedaboutitafterward.Maryneverexplained,andYoungneverasked.Maryreturnedtohercornerwheresheslepteverynight,andthatwastheendofit.
Untilnow.Andhereshewasagain,openingthehatch.Therustedhingescreaked,andpinpointbeamsofsunlightpiercedin.Marywasn’tthere.Butshehadbeen.Herpillowandblanketwereinside,andtwostrandsofblackhair—long,likeMary’s—crisscrossedthepillow,forminganX.Ontheblanketsatabrownbag.Lastnight,Pakhadputthebagfromtheshedbythedoor,tothrowitawaytoday.HadMaryfounditwhenshereturnedhome?
Youngcrawledinforthebag.Justasshetiltedittolookin,sheheardanoise.Thecrunchofgravel,thesnappingofdeadbranchesontheground.Steps.Fast,likesomeonerunningtowardthebarn.Ashout.Pak’svoice.“Meh-hee-yah,stop,letmeexplain.”Moresteps,athunk—Maryfalling?—thensobscloseby,rightoutside.
Youngknewsheshouldgetoutandseewhatwashappening,butsomethingaboutthesituation—MaryrunningfromPak,obviouslyupset,Pakfollowingher—stoppedher.Youngcouldseeinsidethebagnow.Tincase.Papers.Shewasright;MaryhadfoundthecigarettesandSeoullistings.HadMaryconfrontedhim,likeshehad?
Theclick-clackofPak’swheelchairgotcloser.Youngclosedthehatchsoshe’dbehiddenbutcouldseeouttheslitopening.Maneuveringherbodyinthedarkness,herhandstouchedMary’spillow.Itwasdamp.
Thewheelchairnoisestopped.“Meh-hee-yah,”PaksaidinKorean,hisvoiceclosernow,rightoutsidethebarn,“Ican’ttellyouhowmuchIregretit.”
Mary’svoice,shaking,herwordsinEnglishseparatedbychokedsobs:“Idon’tbelieve…youhadanything…todowithit.Itdoesn’t…makeany…sense.”
Apause,thenPak’svoice:“Iwishitwasn’ttrue,butitis.Thecigarette,thematches.Itwasmydoing.”Hewastalkingaboutthetincase,hadtobe.Exceptithadnomatches.
Mary’svoice,inEnglish:“Buthowdiditenduphere?Imean,outofourwholeproperty,howdiditwindupinexactlythemostdangerousspot?”ItoccurredtoYoungthen,wheretheirvoiceswerecomingfrom:behindthebarn,wheretheoxygentanksusedtobe.
Asigh.Notlong,butheavy—infusedwithdread,adesperatelongingtokeepsilent—andYoungwishedthesighcouldlastforever,thathewouldnotopenhismouthforthenextwords.
“Iputithere,”Paksaid.“Ipickedthespot,rightundertheoxygentube.Igatheredtwigsanddriedleaves.Iputthematchesin,andthecigarette.”
“No,”Marysaid.
“Yes,itwasallme,”Paksaid.“Ididit.”
IDIDIT.
Atthosewords,YoungputherheadonMary’spillow,hercheeksagainstthewetnessofMary’stears.Sheclosedhereyesandfeltherbodyspin.Ormaybeitwasthechamberspinning,fasterandfaster,gettingsmallerandcollapsingintoapinpoint,squashingher.
Ididit.Itwasallme.
Incomprehensiblewordsthatmeanttheworldwasending,sohowcouldhesaythemsomatter-of-factly?Howcouldhesocoldlyadmittosettingthefirethatkilledtwopeopleandremainbreathing,talking?
ThesoundofMary’ssobs,hystericalnow,brokethrough,anditcametoYoung,whatshe’doverlookedinherfog:Maryjustdiscoveredthatherfatherhadcommittedmurder.Marywassufferingshock,thesameshocksheherselfwasreelingfrom.Young’seyessnappedopen,andsheachedtorunout,totakeMaryintoherarmsandcrytogetheroverthegriefoflearningsomethingsohorrifyingabouttheirbeloved.Youngheardshh-shh,thesoundofaparentcomfortingachildinpain,andshewantedtoyellatPaktogetawayfromMary,toleavethembothaloneandstoptaintingthemwithhissins,whenMarysaid,“Butwhythatspot?Ifyou’dpickedanywhereelse—”
“Theprotesters,”Paksaid.“Elizabethshowedmetheirflyer,andshekeptsayingtheymightsetafiretosabotageus,anditgavemetheidea—ifthepolicefoundacigaretteinthesamespotastheflyer,they’dgetintrouble.”Ofcourse.Howconvenient:setthefire,blametheprotesters,collecttheinsurance.Aclassicframe-upjobagainstthepeoplewho’denragedhim.
“Butthepolicetookthemawayfortheballoons,”Marysaid.“Whydidyouneedtodoanythingelse?”
“Theprotesterscalledme.Theysaidthepolicejustgavethemawarning,andtherewasnothingtostopthemfromcomingbackeveryday,untiltheydroveallthepatientsaway.Ihadtodosomethingmoredrastic,togettheminrealtroubleandkeepthemawayforgood.Ineverimaginedyou’dgoanywherenearthere,letalone…”Hisvoicefaltered,andtheimagefloodedhermind:Maryrunningtothebarnandturning,thenblink,herfacebathedintheorangeglowofthefireandherbodythrownintheair,caughtintheblast.
Maryalsoseemedhauntedbythatmoment;shesaid,“Ikeepthinking,therewasnofansoundfromtheHBOT.Itwassoquiet.”Youngrememberedthat,too—hearingthedistantcroakingoffrogswithouttheusualACfannoisemaskingit.Thesmotheringpurityofthesilencebeforetheboom.
“Thatwasallmydoing,”Paksaid.“Icausedthepoweroutagetoframetheprotesters.Thatseteverythinginmotion—thedelays,everythingthatwentwrongthatnight.Ineverdreamedsomanythingscouldgowrong.Ineverdreamedanyonewouldgethurt.”
Youngwantedtoscream,demandtoknowhowhecouldpossiblythinkthat,settingafireunderastreamofoxygen.Andyetshebelievedhim,knewhehadsomeplantogeteveryoneoutintime.Thatwaswhyheusedacigarette,toletitburndownslowlybeforethefirecaught,andwhyhewantedtostayoutsidewhilesheturnedofftheoxygen,tomakesurethattheflamesdidn’tgettoobigbefore8:20,whiletheoxygenwasstillon.He’dcomeupwiththeperfectplantosetaslow-burningfirethatwouldscarebutnothurtanyone.Problemwas,theplandidn’tgolikeitwassupposedto.Plansneverdid.
Afteralongsilence,inaquiveringvoicesoquietshestrainedtohear,MarysaidinEnglish,“IkeepthinkingofHenryandKitt.”
“Itwasanaccident,”Paksaid.“Youhavetorememberthat.”
“Butit’smyfault,allbecauseIwasselfishandIwantedtogobacktoKorea.Youtoldmethingswouldgetbetter,butIkeptbeingstubbornandcomplaining,andfinally…”Marybrokeintosobs,butYoungknew:finally,Pakdecidedtogivetheirdaughterwhatshewantedanddidtheonlythinghecouldthinkoftomakethathappen.
Youngfeltsomethingcollapse,asifsomeonehadpunchedherlungs.Thethinggratingather,tellinghernoneofthismadesense,wasthequestionofwhy.Yes,Pakhatedtheprotesters.Yes,hewantedthemgone.Butwhyafire?Theirbusinesshadbeenthriving,andtherewasnoreasontodestroyit.Excepttherewas.Maryhadcometohim,begginghimtomovebacktoKorea.Arsonwasn’taspontaneousidea,bornoutofhisangerattheprotesters.He’dplannedit.Everythingmadesensenow,fitintoplace.Thearsoncall,theSeoullistings—allinfurtheranceofhisplot.Andwhentheprotesterscamealong,heseizedontheperfectdecoys.
Youngfeltpaininherchest,liketinybirdspeckingatherheart,imaginingMaryconfidinginPaklastsummer,cryingtohimaboutherdesperationtoreturntotheirhomeland.Whyhadn’tMarycometoher,hermother?InKorea,everyafternoon,they’dplayedKoreanjackswhileshetoldherabouttheboyswhoteasedherandthebooksshesecretlyreadduringclass.Wherehadthatclosenessgone?Haditevaporated,nolongerretrievable,orhaditsimplyburroweddeeptohibernatethroughtheteenageyears?SheknewMarydidn’tlikeAmericaandwantedtoreturn,butonlythroughsnipsandsnideasides,notthesoul-baringconfidenceMaryapparentlyreservedforPak.AndPak,notcomingtoher,butcarryingoutadangerousplantogiveMarywhatshewanted—makingthisdecisionbyhimself,withnoinputfromher,hiswifeoftwentyyears.Itfeltlikebetrayal.Betrayalbyherdaughterandhusband.Betrayalbythetwopeopleshelovedandtrustedmost.
“WeshouldtellAbe,”Marysaid.“Now.WeneedtostoptorturingElizabeth.”
“I’vethoughtaboutthatalot,”Paksaid.“Butthetrialisnearlyover.Chancesaregoodshewon’tbeconvicted.Oncethetrialends,wecanmove,startfresh.”
“Butwhatifshe’sfoundguilty?Shecouldbeexecuted.”
“Ifthathappens,I’llconfess.I’llwaitfortheinsurancemoneytocomethrough,andonceyouandyourmothergetaway,somewheresafe,I’llgotoAbe.Iwon’tlethergotojailforsomethingshedidn’tdo.Icouldn’tdothat.”Heswallowed.“Ididmanythingswrong,butnoone,noone,intendedtohurtanyone.Rememberthat.”
Marysaid,“Butshe’salreadysuffering.She’sontrialforkillingherson.Shemustbeinsomuchpain,Ican’tbearto—”
“Listentome,”Paksaid.“Ifeelhorribleaboutwhat’shappened.I’dgiveanythingtochangeit.ButIdon’tthinkElizabethfeelsthesameway.Shemaynothavesetthefire,butIthinkshewantedHenrydead,andshe’sgladithappened.”
“Howcanyousaythat?”Marysaid.“Iknowthey’resayingshehurthim,buttosaysheactuallywantedhimdead—”
“Iheardher,withmyownears,throughtheintercomwhenshethoughtitwasn’ton,”Paksaid.
“Heardwhat?”
“ShetoldTeresashewantedHenrytodie,thatsheactuallyfantasizedabouthimdying.”
“What?When?Andwhyhaven’tyousaidanything?Youdidn’teventestifyaboutit.”
“Abesaidnotto.He’sgoingtoaskTeresaaboutitonthestand,buthewantstosurpriseher,togetthefulltruth.”WasthatwhyYounghadneverheardaboutthis,becauseTeresawasherfriendandAbewasafraidshe’dsaysomething?Wasthereanyonewhohadn’tliedtoher?
“Thepointis,”Paksaid,“ElizabethwantedHenrydead.Sheabusedhim.Theyweregoingtoprosecuteherforthatanyway,andshe’salreadyontrial.Willbeingontrialonemoreweekmakethatmuchofadifferencetoher?Andremember,iftheverdictisguilty,I’llcomeforward.Ipromiseyouthat.”
Wasthatreallytrue?OrwashejustsayingthattoconvinceMarytoremainsilent,andiftheverdictwasguilty,he’dcomeupwithsomeotherexcuseandletElizabethdie?
“Now,beforewegoin,”Paksaid,“Ineedyoutopromiseme.YouwilldoasIsay.Notonewordtoanyone,includingyourmother.Understand?”
Atthisreferencetoher,Young’sheartthumpedherchest,hardandfast.Paksaid,“Meh-hee-yah,answerme.Doyouunderstand?”
“No.WeshouldtellUm-ma,”Marysaid,inEnglishasalwaysexceptfor“Um-ma.”HowlonghaditbeensinceMarycalledherUm-ma,whatsheusedtocallherbeforeencasingherselfinanarmorofresentment?“Yousaidshe’sbeengettingsuspicious.Whatifsheasksaboutthatnight?WhatamIsupposedtosay?”
“Whatyou’vebeensayingallalong,thateverythingisfuzzy.”
“No,wehavetotellher.”Hervoiceshook,soundingunsureandsmalllikealittlegirl’s.
“No.”Pakspatthisoutwithsomuchforce,itranginYoung’sears,buthepausedandtookdeepbreaths,asiftocalmhimself.“Forme,Meh-hee-yah,dothisforme.”Forcedpatiencecoatedhiswords.“It’smydecision,myresponsibility.Ifyourmotherknew…”Hesighed.
Therewassilence,andsheknewthatMarymust’venodded,knewhewould’vekeptbadgeringherifMaryhadn’tobeyed.Afteraminute,sheheardstepsandthewheelchairmoving.Closerandcloser,thenmovingpast,towardthehouse.Shethoughtaboutwaitinguntiltheywereinsideandrunningaway.Ormaybegoinginafterthem,pretendingnottohaveheardanythingandseeingwhatthey’ddo.Bothactsofcowardice,sheknew,butshewassotired.Howeasyit’dbetostayhereandsealtheworldout,liehereentombedforaslongasittookforthingstostopspinning,foreverythingtojustpassanddisintegrateintonothing.
No.Shecouldn’tdonothing,couldn’tletPakjustpushherasideandmakeheranymoreirrelevantthanhealreadyhad.Shepushedthehatch,hard.Itsqueakedopen,thedissonanceofthenoisepiercingherearsandmakingherwanttoscream.Shetriedtostand.Herheadbangedthesteelabove,thethudresonatinginherskulllikeabeatengong.
Footstepsenteredthebarn,slowandcautious.Paksaiditwasnothing,probablyananimal,butMarysaid,“Mom,isthatyou?”Hervoicewassoppingwithfear,butsomethingelse,too.Maybehope.
Slowly,Youngraisedherbody.Shecrawledoutandstoodup.ShereachedouttoMaryininvitationtojoinher,togrievetogetherforthislossthatwasuniquelytheirs.Marylookedather,tearsstreamingdownherfaceinrivulets,butshedidn’twalktowardher.Instead,shelookedatPakasiftoaskpermission.Heheldouthishand,andMaryhesitatedbeforewalkingawayfromherandclosertoPak.
Amemory:Maryasababybetweenthem,bothYoungandPakreachingandcallingforher,andtheirbabygirlcrawlingtoPak,alwaysPak,andYounglaughingandclapping,pretendingnottobehurt,tellingherselfhowwonderfulitwasthathewassoclosewiththeirbaby,unlikeothermen,howitwasonlybecauseMeh-heespentsomuchtimewithher—theentireday!—thatshepreferredtheparentshehadn’tseen.Ithadalwaysbeenthiswaywiththem—animbalance,eventheirpositioningnow,thethreeofthemformingaskinnytrianglewithYoungthelonecastawayfarfromtheothers.Maybeallfamilieswithonlychildrenwerethisway,inequalityinclosenessandtheresultingenvybeinginherentinallthree-persongroups.Afterall,equilateraltriangleswithtrulyequalsidesexistedonlyintheory,notinreallife.She’dthoughtthebalancewouldchangewhentheyweretogetheronadifferentcontinentfromPak,butironically,hesawMarymorethanshedideventhen:twiceaweek,throughSkype(whichYoungcouldn’tuse,asthestorehadnoInternet).ThebalancealwaysskewedtoPak-Mary.Ithadinthepast,anditremainedsonow.
Younglookedatthem.Themaninthewheelchair,whohadcommittedamonstrousacthe’dhiddenforayearandhadentrustedtheirdaughter,nother,withhissecrets.Andnexttohim,thegirlwiththescar,who’dalreadyforgivenherfatherforthecrimethatgaveherthatscar.Thegirlwhoalwayschoseherfather,whowasstillsidingwithhimnow,mereminutesafterthiscrushingrevelationthatshouldhavebroughtherbacktoYoung.Herhusbandanddaughter.Hersunandmoon,herboneandmarrow,thosewithoutwhomherlifewouldn’texist,yetalwaysoutofreachandunknowable.Shefeltadeeppanginherchest,asifeverycellinherheartweresuffocatingandslowlydying.
Paklookedather.Sheexpectedpenitence,forhisheadtodrooplikeadyingsunflower,forhimtobeunabletolookherintheeye,asheconfessedhiscrimeandbeggedforgiveness.Instead,hesaid,“Yuh-bo,Ididn’trealizeyouwerethere.Whatwereyoudoing?”—notinanaccusatoryornervousway,butwithatoneoffeignedcasualness,asiftestingherout,toseeifhecouldgetawaywithcontinuingtolietoher.Lookingathim,athisfakesmilethatlookedeerilygenuine,shestumbledback,andsuddenly,itwasasifthefloorhadvanishedandshewerefallingthroughavacuum.Sheneededtogetoutofthisspace,thisruinedsiteofdeathandlies.Shestaggered,thescorchedflooringbeneathherfeetuneven,needingtoholdoutherarmsforbalance,likewalkingdownaplaneaisleduringturbulence.ShewalkedpastPakandMarytothestumpofalong-deadtreeandwipedhertears.
“Isee—youheard,”Paksaid.“Yuh-bo,youhavetounderstand.Ididn’twanttoburdenyou,andIthoughttherewasabetterchanceofthingsworkingoutintheendif—”
“Workingout?”Sheturnedandstaredathim.“Howcouldthispossiblyworkout?Aboyisdead.Fivechildrenhavenomother.Aninnocentwomanisontrialformurder.Youareinawheelchair.AndMaryhastolivetherestofherlifeknowingthatherfatherisamurderer.Thereisnowayanythingcaneverbeallright.”Shedidn’trealizeshewasshoutinguntilshestoppedandheardherwordsechoinginthesilence.Herthroatfeltraw,grated.
“Yuh-bo,”Paksaid.“Comeinside.Let’stalkaboutthis.You’llsee—everythingwillworkout.Wejusthavetokeepgoingandnotsayanything,fornow.”
Youngsteppedback,ontoabranch,theunevenfootingmakingherwobbly,readytofall.MaryandPakbothleanedforwardandheldouttheirhands.Younglookedatthehandsofherdaughterandherhusband,sidebyside,offeringtosteadyher,supporther.Shelookedattheirfaces,thesebeautifulpeoplesheloved,standingatthefootofthetrailrunningalongthecreek,thetalltreesbehindthemformingacanopyovertheirheads,sparklingstringsofsunlightpokingthroughtheleaves.Howbeautifulitwasthismorning,whenherlifewascollapsing,asifGodweremockingherandconfirmingherirrelevance.
Marylookedatherandsaid,“Um-ma,please,”thetenderwayshesaid“Mom”inKoreanmakingYoungwanttotakeherdaughterinherarmsandwipehertearswithherthumb,thewaysheusedto.Shethoughthoweasyit’dbetosayyes,tojoinhandsandforgethisunionthatwouldforeverbeheldtightbytheirsecret.Thenshelookedup,attheblackenedsubmarinepeekingthrough,charredbytheflamesthathadengulfedaneight-year-oldboyandthewomantryingtosavehim.
Sheshookherheadno.Shetookabackwardstep,thenanother,andanother,untilshewasoutoftheirreach.“Youhavenorighttoaskmeanything,”shesaid.Thensheturnedfromthem,herhusbandanddaughter,andwalkedaway.
MATT
HELOOKEDFORMARYINCOURT.Hewantedtoseeher.Well,notwanted,exactly.Morelikeneeded.Thewayyoudon’texactlywantarootcanal,butyouneedtogettherotout,stopthepain.Thecourtroomwasfullerthanusual—probablytheby-productofthelatestnews(“‘MommyMurderer’Trial:DefendantFedSonBleach”)—buttheYooswereabsent,whichwasstrange.
Janinewasalreadythere.“Ididthevoicesample.They’replayingitfortheguytoday,”shewhispered,andanxietychurnedinhisstomach,thinkingaboutMary’saccesstohiscar,thephoneinside.
Abeturned.“HaveyouseentheYoos?”
Heshookhishead.Janinesaid,“Ithinkit’sMary’sbirthday.Maybethey’recelebrating?”
Mary’sbirthday.Somethingfeltwrong,ominous,thecomingtogetheroftheseunnervingthings—thecar-keyrealization,thedream,andnowherbirthday.Hereighteenth,legallybecominganadult.Asin,abletobefullyprosecuted.Shit.
DetectiveHeightswalkedupforhercross-examination.Shannondidn’twasteanytimewithgood-morningsorhow-are-yous,didn’tstandorwaitforthewhisperstodiedown.Shejustsaid,fromherseat,“YouconsiderElizabethWardtobeachildabuser,right?”
Peoplelookedaround,asiftofigureoutwherethequestioncamefrom.Heightsappearedtakenaback,likeaboxerwhoexpectsaminuteofcirclingtheringand,instead,getspunchedinthefaceimmediatelyafterthebell.Shesaid,“I,um…Isupposethat’sright.Yes.”
Stillsitting,Shannonsaid,“Andyoutoldyourcolleaguesthatwascriticaltothiscase,thatwithouttheabuseclaims,youhadnothingonmotive,correct?”
Heightsfrowned.“Idon’trecallthat.”
“No?Youdon’trememberwriting‘Noabuseequalsnomotive’onthewhiteboardatameetingonthiscaseonAugust30,2008?”
Heightsswallowed.Afteramoment,sheclearedherthroat.“Yes.Idorecallthat,but—”
“Thankyou,Detective.Now”—Shannonstood—“tellushowyouhandlechildabuseclaimsingeneral.”Shewalkedup,herstepsslowandrelaxedasifshewerestrollingthroughagarden.“Whenyougetaseriouscomplaint,yousometimesremovechildrenfromparents’custodyrightaway,beforetheinvestigation’sevendone,correct?”
“Yes,whenthere’sacrediblethreatofseriousharm,wetrytoobtainanemergencyordertemporarilyassigningthechildtoafosterhomependinginvestigation.”
“Crediblethreatofseriousharm.”Shannonsteppedcloser.“Inthiscase,whenyoureceivedtheanonymouscomplaintaboutElizabeth,youdidn’tremoveHenryfromhishome,didn’teventry.Isn’tthatcorrect?”
HeightslookedatShannon,mouthshuttight,eyesunblinking.Afteralongmoment,shesaid,“Correct.”
“WhichmeansthatyoubelievedtherewasnocredibleriskofharmtoHenry,correct?”
HeightslookedovertoAbe,backtoShannon,andblinked.“Thatwasourpreliminaryassessment.Beforeourinvestigation.”
“Ah,yes.Youinvestigatedforfivedays.Atanypoint,ifyouhaddeterminedthatHenrywas,infact,beingabused,youcouldandwouldhaveremovedhimtoprotecthim.That’syourjob,right?”
“Yes,but—”
“Butyoudidn’tdothat.”Shannonsteppedforwardlikeabulldozerrammingthroughabarrier.“Forfivefulldaysafterthecomplaint,youleftHenryathome,correct?”
Heightsbitherlip.“Wewereobviouslywronginourassessment—”
“Detective,”Shannonsaid,projectinghervoice.“Pleaseanswermyquestionandmyquestiononly.Ididn’taskaboutyourjobperformance,althoughyoursupervisorandattorneysinterestedinsuingonbehalfofHenry’sestatemaybeveryinterestedtohearyouradmissionofwrongdoinghere.Myquestionis:Afterfivedaysofinvestigation,didyouordidyounotfindElizabethtobeanabuserposingacrediblethreatofseriousharmtoHenry?”
“Wedidnot.”Heightslookeddejected,herwordsflat.
“Thankyou.Nowlet’sturntoyourinvestigationitself.”Shannonputablankposterboardontheeasel.“Yesterday,yousaidyouinvestigatedfourtypesofabusehere:neglectandemotional,physical,andmedicalabuse.Correct?”
“Yes.”
Shannonwrotethosecategoriesinacolumnontheposter.“YouinterviewedKittKozlowski,eightteachers,fourtherapists,andtwodoctors,aswellasHenry’sfather,correct?”
“Yes.”
Shannonwrotetheintervieweesonthetoprow:
Shannonsaid,“DidanyoneexpressconcernsaboutElizabethneglectingHenry?”
“No.”
ShannonwroteNOfivetimesacrosstheNeglectrowanddrewalinethroughthewholerow.“Next,anyoneotherthanKittexpressconcernsaboutemotionalabuseorphysicalabuse?”
Heightssaid,“No.”
“Infact,Henry’steacherfromlastyearsaid—I’mreadingfromyournotes—quote,‘ElizabethisthelastmotherIcouldseetraumatizingherchildemotionallyorphysically,’right?”
Heightsbreathedout,almostinasigh.“Yes.”
“Thankyou.”ShannonwroteNOinbothrowsacrossallbuttheKittcolumn.“Finally,medicalabuse.Youfocusedonthis,soIimagineyouaskeddetailedquestionstoeverypersonyoutalkedto.”Shannonputdownthemarker.“Solet’shaveit.Listforusalltheinstancesofmedicalabusethesefifteenotherpeopletoldyouabout.”
Heightssaidnothing,juststaredatShannonwithalookofintensedislike.
“Detective,youranswer?”
“Theproblemis,thesepeopleweren’tawareofanyoftheso-calledmedicaltherapiesthedefendantinflictedonHenry,so—”
“Yes,we’llgettoHenry’stherapiesinaminute.Butinthemeantime,itsoundstomelikeyouransweristhatthesefifteenpeopleyouintervieweddidnot,infact,thinkthatElizabethhadcommittedmedicalabuse.Isthatright,Detective?”
Heightsbreathed,andhernostrilsflared.“Yes.”
“Thankyou.”ShannonwroteNOacrossthelastrowandstoodbacktogivethejurorsanunobstructedviewoftheeasel.
Shannonpointedtotheposter.“SothefifteenpeoplewhoknewHenrybestandcaredforhiswell-beingagreedthatElizabethdidnotinanywayabusehim.Let’stalkabouttheonepersonwithconcerns.DidKittactuallyaccuseElizabethofemotionalabuse?”
Heightsfrowned.“IthinkitwouldbefairtosayshequestionedwhetherthedefendantharmedHenrybysayinghe’sannoyingandeveryonehateshim.”
“Soshequestionedemotionalabuse.”ShannondrewaquestionmarkintheEmotionalAbuse/Kittsquare.“Andwhat’syouropiniononthat,Detective?Isthatchildabuse?Ihaveachild,averyteenagegirl,ifyouknowwhatImean,andIadmit,Icatchmyselftellingheroftenthatshe’srudeandmeananddownrighthateableandshe’sgoingtowindupalonewithnofriends,husband,orjobifshedoesn’tchangeandsoon.”Somejurorschuckledandnodded.“Now,IknowIwon’twinanymother-of-the-yearawards,butisthatthetypeofthingwetakekidsawayfrommomsfor?”
“No.Likeyousay,it’snotideal,butitdoesn’trisetothelevelofabuse.”
ShannonsmiledandslashedalinethroughtheEmotionalAbuserow.“Now,physicalabuse.DidKittactuallyaccuseElizabethofthat?”
“No.ShemerelyraisedthequestionbecauseofthescratchesonHenry’sarm.”
ShannonwroteaquestionmarkonthePhysicalAbuse/Kittsquare.“WhenyouinterviewedHenry,hesaidhegotscratchedbyaneighbor’scat,right?”
“Yes.”
“Infact,youwroteinHenry’sinterviewnotesthatthereis,quote,‘noevidencesupportingaphysical-abuseclaim,’correct?”
“Correct.”
ShannondrewalinethroughthePhysicalAbuserow.“Thatleavesmedicalabuse.ThatclaimcentersonElizabeth’salternativetherapies,specificallyIVchelationandMMS,right?”
“Yes.”
ShannonwroteIVChelationandMMS(“Bleach”)onthechart.“Now,forgiveme.I’mnotanexpertonthis,butitseemstomeaprerequisitetomedicalabuseisthatwhateverthemotherdoesmustactuallyharmthechild—thatis,makethechildsickorsicker,right?”
“That’stypicallythecase.”
“Here’swhatconfusesme.HowcanHenry’streatmentsbeabusewhenhe’dbeengettingbetter,healthwise?”
Heightsblinkedafewtimes.“I’mnotsurethat’sthecase.”
“No?”Shannonsaid,andMattcaughtanamusedlookonherface,atraceofachildlikewatch-this!anticipation.“You’reawarethataneurologistatGeorgetown’sautismclinicdiagnosedHenrywithautismwhenhewasthree?”
“Yes,that’sinhismedicalrecords.”Matthadn’tknownthat.He’dalwaysassumed,basedonKitt’scomments,thatHenry’s“autism”wasallinElizabeth’shead.
“Itwasalsoinhismedicalrecords,wasitnot,thataccordingtothesameneurologist,HenrynolongerhadautismasofFebruarylastyear?”
“Yes.”
“Well,goingfromautismtonoautismisbetter,notworse,right?”
“Actually,theneurologistindicatedhemayhavebeenmisdiagnosed—”
“BecausetheimprovementinHenry’sconditionwassovastastobeunaccountableotherwise,becausemostkidsdon’timprovethewayHenrydid,right?”
“Well,inanycase,hestatedthatlargeamountsofspeechandsocialtherapyweremostlikelyresponsiblefortheimprovement.”
“ThelargeamountsoftherapythatElizabethinsistedon,arrangedfor,anddrovehimtoeveryday,youmean?”Shannonsaid,depictingElizabethonceagainasMotheroftheYear.ButinsteadofannoyingMatt,itmadehimthink:Hadhebeenwrong?HadtherebeenareasonforElizabeth’sobsessiveness,andhadthatobsessivenesscausedaboytogofromautismtonot-autism?
Heights’sfrowndeepened.“Isupposeso.”
“Autismaside,Henryimprovedinotherways,too,right?Hewentfromsecondpercentileforweightatthree,withfrequentdiarrhea,toaneight-year-oldinthefortiethpercentile,withnointestinalissues.Doyourecallthatfromhismedicalrecords,Detective?”
Heights’sfaceturnedred.“Butthat’snottheissue.Theissueisthattheseso-calledtreatmentsaredangerousandunnecessary,whichdoesconstitutemedicalabuse,regardlessoftheactualconsequences.Andlet’snotforget:therewasaharmfulconsequenceforHenry,namelydeathfromthewell-knownriskoffirefromonesuchtreatment,HBOT.”
“Really?Iwasn’tawarethatHBOTatalicensedfacilityconstitutesmedicalabuse.”Shannonturnedtothegallery.“Theremustbe,what,twenty,thirtyfamiliesherewhowereMiracleSubmarineclients.SoItakeityouinvestigatedallthesefamiliesforchildabuseforundertakingsuchariskytreatmentfortheirchildren.Isthatwhatyou’retellingus,Detective?”
Outofthecornersofhiseyes,Mattsawmanywomeninthegalleryturntheirheadsnervously,lookingatoneanotherandElizabethasifithadn’toccurredtothemthattheymightbeconsideredguiltyofthesamethingsshewasbeingcondemnedfor.Wasthatwhytheyweresoeagernowtobelieveshewasanevilmurderer?Becauseifshedidn’tsetthefireonpurpose,itmightmeanthattheirownkidsweresafeathomeinsteadofinacoffinduetonothingmorethanchance?
Heightssaid,“No,ofcoursenot.Youcan’tlookatonethinginisolation.Itwasn’tjustHBOT.ShedidextremethingslikeIVchelationandfeedingHenrybleach.”
“Ah,yes.Let’sturntothat.IVchelationisanFDA-approvedtreatment,correct?”
“Yes,butforheavy-metalpoisoning,whichHenrydidnothave.”
“Areyouaware,Detective,ofaBrownUniversitystudyinwhichmiceinjectedwiththimerosal,amercurypreservativethatusedtobeinmanyvaccinespriorto2001,becamesociallyatypical,akintoautism,andwhentreatedwithchelationbecamenormalagain?”
Matthadn’theardofthat.Wasthattrue?
“No,Ihaven’theardofthatstudy.”
“Really?ThestudywassummarizedinaWallStreetJournalarticleIfoundinyourownfiles,rightnexttothesheetnotingthatHenryhadseventhimerosalvaccinesasababy,backwhenthimerosalwasstillpresentinsomevaccines.”
Heightspursedherlips,asifforcingherselftosaynothing.
Shannonsaid,“Andareyouawarethatoneofthestudy’sresearchers,aDr.AnjeliHall,whowasanattendingatStanfordHospitalandprofessoratStanfordMedicalSchool,treatschildrenwithautismwith,amongotherthings,chelation?”
Mattdidn’tknowthename,butthosecredentials—howcouldanyonedisputethelegitimacyofsomeonelikethat?
“No,Idon’tknowthatdoctor,”Heightssaid,“butIdoknowthatautisticchildrenhaverecentlydiedfromIVchelation.”
“Causedbynegligenceofadoctornolongerlicensedtopracticemedicine,correct?”
“Ibelieveso,yes.”
“Peoplediefromdoctors’mistakes.”Shannonturnedtothejury.“Justlastmonth,Ireadaboutachilddyingfromapediatrician’sdosageerrorforTylenol.Tellme,Detective,ifIgivemychildTylenoltomorrow,isthatmedicalabusebecauseTylenolisobviouslyadangerousmedicaltreatmentthatcankillchildren?”
“ChelationisnotTylenol.ThedefendantgaveHenryDMPS,adangerouschemicalnormallyadministeredinahospital.Shegotitbymail,throughanout-of-statenaturopath.”
“Areyouaware,Detective,thatthisout-of-statenaturopathpracticesinDr.Hall’soffice,andshewasrefillingaprescriptionDr.HalloriginallywroteforHenry?”
Heights’seyebrowsraisedinsurprise.“No,Iwasn’tawareofthat.”
“DoyouconsideritmedicalabusetoprovidemedicationprescribedbyaneurologistwhohappenstoteachatStanford?”
Shepursedherlipsandthoughtforawhile,andMattwantedtosay,Comeon,don’tbeanidiot.“No,”shefinallysaid.
“Great.”ShannoncrossedoutIVChelationonherchart.“Now,thatleavestheso-calledbleachtreatment.Detective,what’sthechemicalformulaforbleach?”
“Idon’tknow.”
“It’sinyourfiles,butit’sNaClO,sodiumhypochlorite.What’sthechemicalformulaforMMS,themineralsolutionthatElizabethgavetoHenry,whichyou’recallingbleach?”
Shefrownedslightly.“Chlorinedioxide.”
“Yes,ClO2.Actually,afewdropsofitdilutedinwater.Areyouaware,Detective,thatcompaniesusethistopurifybottledwater?”Shannonturnedtothejury.“WaterwebuyinsupermarketscontainsthesamechemicalastheMMSformulashe’sbeencalling‘bleach.’”
Abestoodupandsaid,“Who’stestifyinghere,Judge?”butShannonkeptgoing,hervoicerisingandwordsgettingfaster.“Chlorinedioxideispresentinover-the-counterantifungals.AreyouarrestingalltheparentswhobuythoseatWalgreens?”
Abesaidagain,“Objection.I’vebeentryingtobepatient,butshe’sbadgeringthewitnesswithallthesequestionsoutsidethescopeofherexpertise,nottomentionassumingfactsnotinevidence.DetectiveHeightsisnotadoctor,norissheachemistormedicalexpert.”
Shannon’sfaceflushedredwithanindignantfervor.“That’sexactlymypoint,YourHonor.DetectiveHeightsisnotanexpert,doesn’tknowthefirstthingaboutthesetreatmentsshe’slabeled—basedonwhat,Ihavenoidea—asdangerousandunnecessary,andshehasn’tbotheredtolearnthebasics,whichareallinherownfiles,ifshe’dbothertolook.”
Thejudgesaid,“Objectionsustained.Ms.Haug,youcancallyourownexperts,butfornow,sticktowhat’sintherecordandwithinthescopeofthedetective’sduties.”
Shannonnodded.“Yes,YourHonor.”Sheturned.“Detective,areyoupermittedtostartyourowninvestigations?Inthecourseofonecase,ifyoucomeacrossevidenceofanotherparentcommittingabuse,forexample,couldyouopenanewcase?”
“Ofcourse.Itdoesn’tmatterhowaclaimcomestoourattention.”
“Inthiscase,”Shannonsaid,“youcameacrossevidenceofmanyotherparentsinyourjurisdictiondoingbothIVchelationandMMS,throughonlinediscussions,correct?”
Thedetective’seyesflickeredtothegallerybeforeshesaidyes.
“Howmanyoftheseparentsdidyouinvestigateformedicalabuse?”
Hereyesflickeredtothegalleryagain.“None.”
“Andthat’sbecauseyoudon’tconsiderMMSandchelationtoconstitutechildabuse,isn’tthatcorrect?”Shannondidn’tsayit,butMattcouldalmostheartheunsaidwords:Becauseifthosetreatmentswereabuse,halfthepeoplehereshould’vebeenthrowninjaillongago
Heightsglared,andShannonstaredrightback,thestaringduellastingformanyseconds,pastawkwardtodownrightpainful,whenHeightssaid,“Correct.”
“Thankyou,”Shannonsaid,andslowly,deliberately,shewalkedtoherchartandputabig,fatlinethroughthelastrow,MedicalAbuse
MattlookedatElizabeth,herfaceunchanged,stillwearingtheexpressionlessmaskshe’dwornallyesterdayasDetectiveHeightsportrayedherasasadisticabuserconductingpainfulexperimentsonherchildforthehellofit.Exceptnow,shedidn’tlookheartlessbutnumb.Dazedfromgrief.Anditoccurredtohim,whathe’dknowneversincehewokeup:hehadtotellAbe,andprobablyShannon,too.Maybenoteverything,butatleastaboutMaryandtheinsurancecall,theH-Martnote.Thecigarettes,hecouldwaitandsee.ButhehadtogofindMaryandwarnher.GiveherachancetogotoAbefirstandconfess.
HetouchedJanineontheshoulder.“Ineedtogo,”hemouthed,andpointedathispagerlikeitwassomeworkthing.Shewhispered,“Okay,I’llfillyouin.”
Hestoodandwalkedoutofthecourtroom.Ashewasleaving,hesawShannongesturingtothenow-decimatedchart.“Detective,”shesaid,“I’dliketoclarifysomethingwediscussedearlier.”Shannonwrotesomethingonthechartandsaid,“Thisiswhatyouwroteinyourmeetingwithyourcolleagues,correct?”
Mattstoppedatthedoorandlooked.Itwasn’tuntilafterHeightssaid,“Yes,that’scorrect,”thatShannonsteppedback,unblockingMatt’sviewoftheposter.Ontop,aboveallthecrossed-outcategoriesofabuse,Shannonhadwritteninfatlettersandcircled,NOABUSE=NOMOTIVE
ELIZABETH
SHESAWTHEMDURINGRECESS,outsidethecourtroom.Asizablecontingent—twenty,maybethirtywomen—fromherautismmoms’group.ThelasttimeshesawthemwasatHenry’sfuneral,backwhenshewasstillthetragicmother,thefocalpointoftheirsympathyandsorrow(andmaybeguilt,forsecretlyfeelingapinchofsuperiorityattheirownchildrenbeingalive).Beforethearrestandnewsstoriesthatstoppedthevisitswithdropped-offcasseroles.She’dexpectedsometoattendthetrial,butshehadn’tseenanyoneallweek.
Butnow,heretheywere.Whytoday?Perhapsthelatestnewshadpiquedtheircuriositytothepay-for-special-needs-babysitter-for-a-whole-daylevel.Ormaybetodaywasthemonthlymeeting—yes,itwasaThursday—andtheydecidedtotakeafieldtrip.Or…wasitpossible?CouldtheyhaveheardhowhertreatmentsforHenry—thesametreatmentsmanyofthemweregivingtheirownkids—werebeingbranded“medicalabuse,”andthey’dcomeoutinsupport?
Thewomenwerestandinginaloosecircle,talkingandmillingaroundlikebeesnearahive.Asshewalkedtowardthecourtroom,gettingclosertothem,onewomanonherphone—Elaine,thefirsttohavetriedtheso-calledbleachtreatment,evenbeforeElizabeth—lookedupandnoticedher.Elaine’seyebrowsshotupandherlipsspreadintoasmileasifshewasgladtoseeher.Elizabethsmiledbackandveeredtowardthegroup,herheartflutteringandleapingagainstherchest,herwholebodybuoyedbyhope.
Elaine’ssmilefell,andsheturnedtowardthegroupandwhisperedsomething.Andnowallthewomenwereglancingatherthewaytheymightatarottingcorpse—unabletocontaintheircuriositybutdisgusted,theireyesdartingather,thenquicklyaway,theirfacescontortingasifthey’dsniffedsomethingputrid.EvenasElizabethrealizedthatofcourseElaine’sraisedbrowandsmilewerefromsurpriseandembarrassment,thewomenwalkedinwardtoahuddle,theirbackstoher,formingacirclesotightitseemedreadytocollapseontoitself.
Shannonmouthed,“Comeon,let’sgo.”Elizabethnoddedandsteppedawayfromthem,herlegsfeelingsimultaneouslyhollowandheavy,makingithardtowalk.Formanyyears,thisgrouphadbeentheonlyplacewhereshe’dfeltasenseofbelongingasamother,aworldwhereshewasn’tpolitelyavoidedandpitiedasthe(whispered,alwayswhispered)“poormomofthatboywith”—pause—“autism,youknow,theonewhojustrocksalldaylong.”Theopposite:inthegroup,forthefirsttimeinherlife,she’dfeltsomethingakintopower.Notthatshehadn’tachievedbefore—she’dgottenhonorsinschool,bonusesatwork—butthosewereworker-beetypesofsuccess,thequietkindsnoticedonlybyone’sparents.Intheautismmoms’world,though,Elizabethwasarockstar,amiracleworker,theleaderofthein-crowd,becauseshewaswhateveryonedreamedofbecoming:themotherofaRecoveredChild,achildwhostartedoutasanonverbal,nonsocial,nonpresentablemessliketheothers,butovertheyears,catapultedintotherealmofmainstreamclassesandtherapygraduations.Henryhadbeentherolemodel,thecrystallizationofthehopethatoneday,theirownkidscouldundergotheirownmetamorphoses.
Beingtheobjectofsomuchenvyandesteemhadbeenintoxicatingbut(notbeingusedtoit)alsoembarrassing,andshe’dtriedtodownplayherroleinHenry’sprogress.“ForallIknow,”shetoldthegroup,“Henry’sgainsweren’tfromthetreatments,andthetimingwascoincidental.There’snocontrolgroup,sowe’llneverreallyknow.”(Notthatsheactuallybelievedthis,butshethoughthercorrelation-doesn’t-equal-causationlogicmadeherseemrational,whichmadenonbelieverslesslikelytodismissherasoneofthose“antivaccinenutjobs.”)
EvenwithElizabeth’scaveats,though,virtuallyeveryoneinthegroupjoinedthebiomedstampedeandrushedtogettheirkidsonthesametreatments.“Elizabeth’sprotocol,”theycalledit,despiteherproteststhatshe’dmerelyfollowedothers’recommendations,withonlytweaksbasedonHenry’slabtests.Whenmanyoftheotherkidsimproved(althoughnoneasquicklyordramaticallyasHenry),thatwaswhenshebecamethetruequeenbee,theexperteveryoneturnedto.Everyoneofthewomenstandingoutsidethecourtroomnowhade-mailedherforadviceorpickedherbrainovercoffee,askedforhelpinterpretinglabtests,andsenthermuffinsandgiftcardstothankher.
Andnowheretheywere,thesewomenwho’doncebeenunitedintheiradmirationforher:theirbacksturnedtoher,unitedmoretightlythaneverintheircondemnationofher.Andhereshewas,theonetimeneardeity,shufflingaway,nowapariah.Andifthegroup’sreactionwasanyindication,meredaysawayfrombecomingadeath-rowinmate.
SITTINGINCOURT,Elizabethlookedatthechartontheeasel,theuglywordABUSE
Childabuse.Wasthatwhatshe’ddone?Afterthatfirstpinchinherneighbor’sbasement,shepromisedherselfshe’dneverdoitagain—shewasaproponentofpositiveparenting,didn’tevenbelieveinthreateningorscolding—butthefrustrationwouldbuildovertime.Weeksandmonthsofpatience,ofignoringnegativebehaviorsandpraisingpositiveones,then,likeariptide,furywouldrushin,knockingherdownandmakingherdesperateforthesweetreleasethatcamewithgrabbingHenry’ssoftfleshandsqueezingoryelling.Butsheneverhit,neverslapped,andcertainlynothingtocauseinjuriesrequiringmedicalattention.Andwasn’tthat—thingsthatendedwithbloodandbrokenbones—childabuse,nottheinvisiblethingsshedidtocauseamoment’spain,justenoughtojoltHenryoutofwhateverbehaviorsheneededhimtostop?Wasthatanydifferentfromspanking?
Shelookedatthechart,alltheNOsconfirmingtheabsenceofwrongdoing,andfeltanguishforHenry,theknowledgethatsheandthoselistedonthechart—thepeoplewhosejobitwastoprotecthim—hadfailedhim.AndwhenShannonsaid,“Abe’sdoingaredirectonHeights,butdon’tworry.Noonebelievesthisabuseclaimofhers,”Elizabethfeltapinchofpityforher,too,forhavingbeensothoroughlyduped.
Abewentstraighttothechart.HepointedtothephraseNOABUSE=NOMOTIVEandsaid,“Detective,whenyouwrotethisphrase,didyoumeanthatifthedefendantdidn’tabuseHenry,she’dhavenomotivetokillhim?”
Heightssaid,“No,ofcoursenot.Therearemanycasesofparentsharmingandevenkillingtheirchildrenwithoutpriorabuse.”
“Sowhatdidyoumean?”
Heightslookedtothejury.“Youhavetounderstandthecontext.I’dbarelybeguntheabuseinvestigationbeforethechildandawitnessweremurdered.Iwasaskingformorestaffformyabuseinvestigation,andIwasperhaps…”Shetookadeepbreath,asifworkingupthecouragetoconfesssomethingembarrassing.“Iwrotethisassortofashorthandtomakemypointthatatthattime,whichwasstillearlyintheinvestigation,theonlymotivewehadwastheabuseclaim,soweshouldputmoreresourcesintothat.”
Abesmiledlikeanunderstandingteacher.“Soyouwrotethattoconvinceyoursuperiorstogiveyoumorepowerandresources.Didothersagree?”
“No.Infact,DetectivePiersoneraseditandsaidIhadtunnelvision,thattheabuseclaimwasaproofofmotive,butcertainlynottheonlyone.Andcertainly,sincethen,we’veuncoveredalotmoreproofofmotive.Thedefendant’sInternetsearches,notes,fightswithKitt,soon.Soitismostdefinitelynottruethatnoabuseequalsnomotive.”
AbetookaredmarkerandputathicklinethroughNOABUSE=NOMOTIVEonthechart.Hesteppedback.“Let’sexploretherestofthisveryorganizedchartfromMs.Haug.Sheassertsthere’snoabuseherebecauseotherpeopleweren’tawareofit.Detective,asatrainedpsychologistanddetectivespecializinginchildabusecases,isthatright?”
“No,”shesaid.“Abusersofteneffectivelyconcealtheiractionsandconvincethechildtogoalongwiththat.”
“Didyoufindsuchevidenceofconcealmenthere?”
“Yes.ThedefendantnevertoldHenry’spediatricianorevenhisfatheraboutgivinghimIVchelationandMMS,letalonethatchildrenhavediedfromthem.Itwasclassicdeliberateconcealment,ahallmarkofabuse.”
Elizabethwantedtoshoutoutthatshewasn’thidinganything,simplysavingherselfanexhaustingargumentwithanold-fashioneddoctor.AndVictorhadn’twantedanydetails;he’dsaidhetrustedher,thathedidn’thavetimeforappointmentsandresearcharticles.Butsomethingaboutthephrase“deliberateconcealment”stoppedher.Ithadasinisterquality,thekindofguilt-wrappedfeelthatinfusedherwhenshetoldHenrybeforepediatricianvisits,“Let’snottellhimabouttheotherdoctors,becausewedon’twanthimgettingjealous,dowe?”
AbesteppedclosertoHeights.“Youmentionedthisbefore,deliberateconcealment.Whyisthatsoimportanttoyou,asapsychologistandaninvestigator?”
“Becauseitgoestotheintentoftheaction.Aparenttellsachild,ifyoudoX,you’llgetaspanking.ThechilddoesX,theparentspanks.It’scontrolledandpredictable.Thespouseknowsaboutit,thechildcantelltheirfriends.Manyparentsdothat.
“Samewithmedicaltreatments.Yourchildisill,youwanttotryatreatment,youtalktodoctors,yourspouse,decidetogether.Fine.Butyoudeliberatelyhideyouractions—whetheritbetreatmentsorphysicalpunishment—thattellsmeyouknowwhatyou’redoingiswrong.”
Shefeltsomethinggooffinsideher,likeabulbthatburnstoobrightlyandflamesout,blindinganddeafeningher.She’dwonderedwhatmadeheryellingandpinchingdifferent—andtheyweredifferent,sheknewit—fromtheyelling,spankings,andsmacksontheheadthatotherparentsdiscussed,sometimesevendid,inpublic.Wasthisit?Thatshedidn’twanttodoit,hadpromisedherselfshewouldn’t,andyetcouldn’thelpbutdoit?Itwasthedifferencebetweenaregularpersonhavingamartinibeforedinnerandanalcoholicdoingthesame;thephysicalactwasthesame,butthecontext—theintentbehinditandtheaftermath—couldn’tbemoredifferent.Thelossofcontrol,theunpredictability.Andafterward,thecover-up.
“Inyourexpertopinion,dotheseNOs”—Abepointedtothechart—“indicatenoabuse?”
“Absolutelynot.”
Abetooktheredmarkeragainandcrossedoutallthecolumnheadingsontop.“Whatabouttherows?”hesaid.“Ms.Haugseparatedoutdifferenttypesofabuseandcrossedthemoff,onebyone.Isthatavalidwaytoanalyzechildabusecases?”
“No.Youcan’tlookateachchargeinisolation.Oneincident,byitself,maybedisturbing,butnotenoughtoconstituteabuse.Forexample,aparentsayingachild’sannoyingandpeoplehatehim.Byitself,notabuse.Scratchingachild’sarm,thatagainmaynotbeabusebyitself.Andonandon,withtheforceddrinkingofMMSandIVchelation.Butwhenyouconsidereverythingtogether,apatternemerges,andthingsthatmayseeminnocuousinisolationmaynot,infact,besoharmless.”
“Isthatwhyyoucouldn’tremoveHenryfromhishomeimmediately?”
“Yes,that’sexactlywhy.Incasesofobviousinjury,likebrokenbones,it’seasiertomakethatcall.Butincaseslikethis,whereeachincidentisquestionableandsubtle,youhavetoconsidermultiplesourcesandseethewholepicture,whichtakestime.Unfortunately,beforewecoulddothat,Henrydied.”
“Insummary,”Abesaid,“doesseparatingabuseintocategories,thenfindingnoabuseforeachcategory—doesthatdemonstratetherewasnoabusehere?”
“Absolutelynot.”
Abecrossedoutthecategories.“Now,thischartisprettymuchdestroyed,butbeforeIputitaway,let’sfocusonmedicalabuse.Detective,wasMs.HaugcorrecttolistonlyIVchelationandMMS?”
“No.ThoseweretheriskiesttherapiesinflictedonHenry.Butagain,youcan’tjustlookattheprocedureinisolation.”Shelookedatthejury.“I’llgiveyouanexample.Chemotherapy.Forachildwithcancer,that’sobviouslynotmedicalabuse.Butinflictingchemotherapyonachildwithoutcancerwouldbe.It’snotjusttheriskinessatissue,buttheappropriateness.”
“Butwhataboutachildinremissionfromcancer?That’stheproperanalogy,isn’tit,sinceHenrywasdiagnosedwithautismatonetimebutthenwasn’t?”
“True.ButgivingchemotoachildinremissionwouldbeaclassiccaseofMunchausenbyproxy,theconditionwe’recalling‘medicalabuse.’AtypicalMunchausencaseiswhensomeonewithaseriousillnessrecovers.Thecaregiverlosestheconstantcontactwithhospitalsanddoctors,andtriestoregainthatbymanufacturingsymptomstomakeitappearthechild’sstillsick.Here,Henrywasdiagnosedasnolongerautistic.Thedefendantcouldn’tacceptthat,andkepttakinghimtodoctorsanddoingriskytreatmentshenolongerneeded,justsoshecouldcontinuetogetattention.”
Elizabeththoughtabouttheautismmoms’group.Kittusedtoask,“Whydoyoukeepdoingallthisshit?Whyareyoustillcomingtoourmeetings?”Theanswercametohernow:shehadn’twantedtostopbecauseshelikedbeinginthatworld—where,forthefirsttimeinherlife,she’dbeenthebest,theenvyofthegroup.HadHenrybeeninHBOTlastsummerandbeenscorchedalivebecauseshe’dbeenonanegotrip?
Shefeltsick.Sheshuthereyesandpressedherpalmsintoherstomachtokeepfromthrowingup,andthensomeonewassayingsomethingabouttheimportanceofhearingdirectlyfromthevictim.
Sheopenedhereyes.Shannonwasstanding,objecting,andthejudgesaid,“Overruled.Objectionisnoted,”andShannonsqueezedherhandandwhispered,“I’msorryIcouldn’tstopit.Youready?”Shewantedtosayno,shehadnoideawhatwashappening,shewassickandneededtogetoutofhere,butAbewasturningontheTVnexttotheeasel.
Heightssaid,“ThisisthevideorecordingofHenrythedaybeforetheexplosion,whenweinterviewedhimatcamp.”Abeclickedtheremote.
Henry’sheadappeared,fillingthescreeninaclose-upshot.Thescreenwashuge,andshegaspedattheclarityofthelife-sizevideoofHenry’sface,howyoucouldseethefaintfrecklesfromthesummersundottedacrosshisnoseandcheeks.Henry’sheadwasdown,andwhentheoff-screenvoice—DetectiveHeights’s—said,“Hi,Henry,”hekepthischindownandlookedup,makinghishugeeyesseembigger,likeakewpiedoll’s.
“Hello,”Henrysaidinahigh-pitchedvoice,curiousbutcautious.Whenheopenedhismouth,youcouldseeagapinhisfrontteeth—theshadowofthetoothhe’dlostthatweekend,theoneshetookfromunderhispillowandreplacedwithadollarfromthetoothfairy,carefulnottodisturbhispeacefulsleepingfaceonthepillow.
“Howoldareyou,Henry?”Heights’sdisembodiedvoiceasked.
“Iameightyearsold,”hesaid,mechanicalandformallikearobotgivingprogrammedresponses.Henrydidn’tgazeatthecameraorDetectiveHeights,whomusthavebeenbehindorbesidethecamera.Instead,helookedup,hiseyeswanderingasifhewereexaminingindetailafrescoontheceiling.Itoccurredtohernowthatshecouldn’trememberasingleconversationwithhimwhenshedidn’tsayatleastonce,“Henry,don’tbespacey;lookatme,alwayslookatthepersonyou’retalkingto,”herwordsspewingoutlikevenom.Whyhaditmatteredsomuchwherehiseyeswerepointed?Whyhadsheneverjusttalkedtohim,askedhimwhathewasthinkingortoldhimhehadthesamecoloreyesasherownfather’s?Now,seenthroughtheveilofhertears,HenrylookedlikeaRenaissancepaintingofanangel,lookingupattheMadonna.Howhadshenevernoticedtheinnocence,thebeauty?
WhenHeightssaid,“Henry,thatscratchonyourarm.Howdidyougetthat?”Henryshookhisheadandsaid,“Itisfromacat.Myneighbor’scatscratchedme.”
Elizabethshuthereyestight.Somethingbitterandsaltyrusheddownherthroatassheheardherownliesemergefromthosetinylips.Thefactwas,thescratchesonhisarmwerenotfromacat.Theywerefromherownnails,madeonadaywhenthey’dalreadybeentwelveminuteslatetoOTwhich,at$120perhour,amountedto$24inwastedmoney.TheywereabouttobelatetoSpeech,soshetoldHenrytohustletothecar,buthejuststoodthere,lookingup,hiseyesvacantandheadrolling.Shegrabbedhisarmsandsaid,“Didyouhearme?Getinthedamncar,rightnow!”andwhenhetwistedhisarmaway,shedidn’tletgo.Hernailsscrapedhisskin,athinstriprippingawaylikeanorangepeel.
Onthevideo,Heightsasked,“Acatdidthat?Whatcat?Where?”
Henryrepeated,“Itisfromacat.Myneighbor’scatscratchedme.”
“Henry,Ithinkmaybesomeonetoldyoutosaythat,butit’snotwhathappened.Iknowit’shard,butyouneedtotellmethetruth.”
Henrylookedupattheceilingagain,showingtheredbloodvesselsacrossthewhitesofhiseyes.“Thescratchisfromacat,”hesaid.“Thecatisameancat.Thecatisablackcat.Thecathaswhiteearsandlongnails.Thecat’snameisBlackie.”
Thethingwas,sheneveractuallytoldHenrytolie.Shejustpretended.Afterthefuryofthemomentreleasedandcalmreturned,shetoldHenryanalternateversion.Not“I’msorryIhurtyou.Doesthathurt?”oreven“Whydon’tyoulistensoIdon’thavetopunishyou?”but“Oh,sweetie,lookatthatscratch!Haveyoubeenplayingwiththatcatagain?Youneedtobemorecareful.”
Themagicalthingwasthatifshepresentedthisreinventedversioninamatter-of-factway,shecouldtrickhimintoquestioninghisownmemory.Shecouldseedoubtinthewayhelookedup,hiseyesdartingbackandforthasifalternatingbetweentwostagesinthesky,tryingtodecidewhichplaywasthemorebelievable.Andevenmoremagical:ifsherepeateditenough,consistentlyandwithoutdrama,itdistortedhismemory,createdarevisedversionwithdetailsheaddedhimself.This—thegenericcatofherinventionbecomingarealoneinhismanipulatedmind,onewithanameandcolorandmarkings—convincedher,evenmorethanthephysicalpainsheinflictedonhim:shewasagaslightingmanipulator,abadmotherwhobrokeherson.
Inthevideo,Heightssaid,“Didyourmomtellyoutosaythat?”
Henrysaid,“Mymommylovesme,butI’mannoying,andImakeeverythinghard.Mymommy’slifewouldbebetterwithoutme.Mymommyanddaddywouldstillbemarriedandtakevacationsaroundtheworld.Ishouldneverhavebeenborn.”
OhGod.Hadhereallythoughtthat?Hadshemadehimthinkthat?She’dhadmomentsofdarkthoughts(didn’teverymother?),butshe’dalwaysimmediatelyregrettedthem.She’dcertainlyneversaidanyofthattohim.Sowheredidhegetthat?
Heightssaid,“Didyourmomtellyouthat,Henry?Didshescratchyou?”
Helookedstraightintothecamera,hiseyessowidethathisiriseslookedlikeblueballsfloatinginamilkypool.Heshookhisheadno.“Thescratchisfromacat.Myneighbor’scatscratchedme.Thecatisameancat.Thecathatesme.”
Shewantedtograbtheremoteandmakeitstop.UnplugtheTVorshoveitdownandbreakit,anythingtostoptheliescomingoutofHenry’smouth,somuchmoreawfulandunbearablethanthescratchingitself.Elizabethopenedhermouthandyelledout,“Stopit.Stop,”elongatingtheword,feelingitreboundandrecoilallaroundthecourtroom.Shesawthejudge’smouthopeninshockatheroutburst,heardthebangofthegavelashesaid,“Quiet,quietinthecourtroom,”butshedidn’tstop.Shestoodandshuthereyestightandputherhandsoverherearsandsaid,“Thereisnocat.Thereisnocat,”againandagain,louderandlouder,untilthewordsgratedagainstherthroatandithurt,untilshecouldnolongerhearHenry’svoice.
MATT
HESATINHISCAR,tryingtofigureouthowtogetMaryalone.Youngwasn’there,thatmuchheknew;whenhegothere,hespiedMaryhelpingPakintotheirhouse,buttheircarwasgone.Hepulledovertoahiddenspot,andhe’dbeensittinghereforthirtyminutes,waitingforsomethingtohappen—forMarytocomeoutsidealone,forPaktoleavebyhimself,forsomecombinationofcourageandimpatiencetokickinandforcehisassoutofhiscar.
Theheatwaswhatdrovehimout.Notjustthediscomfortofmarinatinginsweat,buthishands.Hispalmsdidn’tsweat.Theyturnedcrimsonandburned,asifhisscars’plastic-smoothliningweresealingintheheat,searingtheundersideofhisskin.Hetoldhimselfthepainwasn’treal,thosenervesweredead,butitgotworseandhecouldn’tstandit.Hegotout.Thebacksofhisthighsstucktotheleatherseat,buthedidn’tcare,juststoodupfast,lettingtheskinripawayandsting,gratefulfortherelocationofpain.
Heinterlacedhisfingersandstretchedthemoverhead,imaginingtheboilingblooddrainingoutofhishands.Hestoodthereforanothertenminutes,pacing,tryingtothinkofsomethingotherthanwaiting—maybeheshouldthrowrockstosignalMary?—whenhesmelledsmoke.Justhismindplayingtricksagain,hetoldhimself.Beingsoclosetothesiteofthefirewassendinghisheartquiveringandbloodsputtering,awakeninghismemoryofthatnight’ssmell.Heforcedhimselftolookatthebarninthedistance—theskeletalremainsofitswalls,theblackenedsubmarinelistinginside,bitsofitspreviousbluepeekingthroughthesoot—andwilledhisbraintogetit:therewasnofire.Nosmoke.
Heturnedtothethickclusterofpinetreesbehindhimandbreathedindeep.Freshandclean,greenwoods—that’swhatheexpected,toldhisbrainitshouldregister,butthesmokysmellwasstillthere.Andsomethingelse.Afainthissinthedistance.Acrackle.Helookedaroundandsawit:smoke,billowingupinabarelynoticeablecolumnbeforefanningoutintowispsinthebrightbluesky.
Hefeltaflickerofrelief—hewasn’thallucinating,wasn’tlosinghismind—beforepanicsetin.Fire.TheYoos’house?Treeswereintheway,anditwashardtotell.Turnthefuckaround,runstraighttothecar,anddriveaway,avoiceinhisheadsaid.Hethoughtofhisphoneinthecar,howthesmartthingwouldbetograbitandcall911.
Buthedidn’t.Heran.Towardthesmoke,throughtheclusteroftrees.Oncehegotcloser,thesmokeseemedtobecomingfromthefrontofthehouse,soheranaroundtheside.Thefire’scracklewasgettinglouder,buttherewasanothersound.Voices.Pak’sandMary’s.Notshoutinginfearorcallingforhelp,butcalmlydiscussingsomething.
Matttriedtostoprunning,buttoolate.Theylookedupasheroundedthecorner.Pakgasped.Marysquealedandjumpedback.
Thefirewasinsidearustedmetalcontainerinfrontofthem.Thecontainer—atrashcan?—wasthesameheightasPak’swheelchair,sotheflamesshootingoutwerelevelwithPak’sface,coatingitinaflickeringorangeglow.Paksaid,“Matt,whyareyouhere?”
Heknewheshouldsaysomething,buthecouldn’tthink,couldn’tmove.Whatweretheyburning?Cigarettes?Weretheydestroyingevidence?Whynow?
HelookedatPak’sface,eclipsedbythetranslucentcurtainoffire,theflamesappearingtolickathischin.HethoughtofHenry’sfacefireandwantedtothrowup,anditwasmakinghimwonder:HowcouldPakgetsoclosetothefire—soclosethattheflameswerereflectingoffhisskin,theheatpenetratingintohisnerves—withoutfreakingoutintoapuddleoffear?Throughtheflames,thesharpanglesofPak’scheekboneslookedeerilysinister,andMattcouldpicturehimstrikingamatchundertheoxygentube.Itseemedreal.Believable.
“Matt,whyareyouhere?”Paksaidagain,andpressedhishandsdownonthewheelchair,asiftostandup,andherememberedYoungsayingthedoctorscouldn’tfigureoutwhyPakwasstillparalyzedsincehisnervesappearedintact.Atonce,heknew:Pakhadfakedhisparalysis,andwasabouttogetupandattackhimrightnow.
“Matt?”Pakrepeated,pressingdownagain.EverymuscleinMatt’sbodytightened,andhesteppedback,readytosprint,butthenPak—stillsitting—rolledhiswheelchairoutfrombehindthetrashcan.WithPak’sbodyfullyvisible,Mattcouldsee:Pakwaspressingdowntoforcehiswheelchairthroughgravel.
Mattclearedhisthroat.“Iwasheadingbackfromcourt,andIthoughtI’dcheckonyousinceyouweren’tthere.Iseverythingokay?”
“Yes,wearefine.”Pak’seyesflickedtothetrashcan,andhesaid,“ThatisforMary’sbirthday.Eighteen.InKorea,itistraditiontoburnchildhooditems.Itissymbolismforbecomingadult.”
“Wow,”Mattsaid.He’dneverheardthat,andhe’dgonetoadozenKoreaneighteenth-birthdayparties.
AsifPakcouldreadhisthoughts,hesaid,“Itismaybeonlyinmyvillage.Youngdidnotknowthistradition.Haveyouheardofit?”
“No,butIlikeit.Janine’snieceisturningeighteensoon.I’lltellher,”Mattsaid,thinkinghowhisin-lawsdidthis,too—invokedsome“ancienttradition”bullshittocoveralie.HelookedoverPak’sshoulderatMary.“Happybirthday.”
“Thankyou.”Shelookedatthetrashcan,thenbackathim,shakingherheadno.“Janine”—shepaused—“isshe…withyou?”Sheshookherheadagainandfrowned,hereyeswidening—inapleaorthreat,hecouldn’ttell.Eitherway,hermessagewasclear:Don’ttellJanineaboutusburningthings.WhetheritwasaPleaseoranOrelse,hedidn’tcare.
“Yes,she’swaitinginthecar,”hesaid,realizingevenashetoldthisliehownervoushewasaboutgettingoutofthissituationsafely.“Ishouldgo,orshe’llstartworrying.Anyway,I’mgladyou’reokay.I’llseeyoutomorrow.”Heturnedtogo.“Happybirthdayagain,Mary.”
Hecouldfeeltheirstaresonhisbackashewalkedaway,buthedidn’tlookback.Hejustkeptwalking,pastthehouse,throughtheclusteroftrees,pasttheruinsofthebarn,andintothecar.Helockedit,crankediton,putitindrive,pressedtheaccelerator,andgotthehelloutofthere.
TERESA
SHEWASTHEONLYPERSONinthecourtroom.Afterthechaosofthelasttenminutes—Elizabethshoutingaboutacat,Shannon’sminionsdraggingherout,thejudgepoundingthegavelandorderingalunchrecess,everyonerushingout,tryingnottogettrampledbythereportersrunningandtalkingontheirphones—Teresacravedstillness.Silence.Mostofall,aloneness.Shedidn’twanttogooutsideandfacethewomenwhowere(shewassure)flittingfromcafétocafé,scavengingforgossip.Ofcourse,they’dbecarefultocoattheirtattlewithfeignedconcerntomakeitseemlikeaquestforjusticeforHenry(“abusedforsolong!”)andKitt(“fivekids!—asaint,really”)ratherthanwhatitactuallywas:thegleeandexcitementofbeingavoyeurtosomeoneelse’spain.
No,shedidn’twanttoleavethetranquilityofthisemptycourtroom.Exceptforthetemperature.Whencourtwasinsession,itwashot,theoldACstooweaktofightoffthesteamemanatingfromthesweatycrowd,soshe’dwornashort-sleeveddresswithoutpantyhose.Clearedofthebodies,though,theroomwasdownrightcold.OrmaybewhatshefeltwasthechillofseeingHenry’sface—hisskinsoftandperfectinthatlittle-kidway,unmarredbypimples,wrinkles,andotherflawslifewouldeventuallyhavebrought—ashesaid“thecat”hatedhimandscratchedhim,thenwitnessingElizabethfallapartandconfesstherewasnocat,whichmeant…what?Thatshewas“thecat”?Teresashiveredandrubbedherhandsagainstherarms.Herhandswereclammy,madehershivermore.
Awidebeamofsunlightwascomingthroughtherightfrontwindow.Shecrossedtheaisletothesunnyspot,rightbehindtheprosecutor’stablewheresheusedtosit.Sheplacedherselfinthesun’spathandsat,closedhereyes,andliftedherfaceintothewarmth.Ablindingwhitenesspenetratedherclosedlids,sendingphantomreddotsflashingandwhirlingbeforeher.ThebuzzoftheACunitsseemedtogetlouder.Likewavesinashell,thewhitenoiseswirledandbouncedaroundherearcanalstoformanetherealwhisper,anauditoryghostofElizabeth’svoice.Thereisnocat.Thereisnocat.
“Teresa?”avoicecalledfrombehindher.Young,peekingthroughahalf-openeddoorlikeachildafraidofenteringwithoutpermission.
“Oh,hi,”Teresasaid.“Ididn’tthinkyouwereheretoday.”
Youngdidn’tsayanything,justbitherlowerlip.Shewaswearingwhatlookedlikeanundershirtandelasticpants,notherusualblouseandskirt.Herhairwasinabun,asalways,butitwasdisheveled,strandsfallingasifshe’dsleptinit.
“Young,areyouallright?Wouldyouliketocomein?”Teresafeltridiculousinvitingherin.Presumptuous,asifthiswereherhome,butshehadtodosomethingtodispelYoung’sdiscomfort.
Youngnoddedandwalkeddowntheaisle,buttentatively,asifshewerebreakingsomerule.Underthefluorescentlights,herskinlookedsallow.Theelasticaroundherwaistdrooped,andshekepttuggingherpantsupeveryfewsteps.Whenshegotcloser,Youngglancedleft,thenbacktoher,lookingconfused,andTeresarealized:Youngwaswonderingwhyshe’dchangedseats.Ofcourse.Anyonewhosawhernowwouldassumeshe’dreturnedtotheprosecutor’ssidetomakesomepoint.Shit.Thiswashowrumorsgotstarted.Shewouldn’tbesurprisedifsomewebsitealreadyhadabreakingnewsreportaboutit(“MommyMurderer’sFickleFriendSwitchesSides.Again.”).
Teresamotionedtothewindow.“ImovedbecauseIwascold.Thesun’swarmhere.”Shehatedhowdefensiveshesoundedand,evenmore,felt.
Youngnoddedandsat,ahintofdisappointmentonherface.Shewaswearingoldloaferswiththebacksfoldedunderherfeet,likeslippers,asifshe’dbeentoorushedtoputhershoesonproperly.Herlipswerechapped,andcrustcoveredthecornersofhereyes.
“Young,areyouokay?Where’sPak?AndMary?”
Youngblinkedandbitherlip.“Theyaresick.Theirstomach.”
“Oh,I’msorry.Ihopetheyfeelbettersoon.”
Youngnodded.“Iarrivedlate.IsawElizabethyelling.Peoplethere”—shemotionedtotheback—“theysaidthismeansElizabethisconfessing.ShescratchedHenry.”
Teresaswallowed.Nodded.“Yeah.”
Younglookedrelieved.“Soyouthinksheisguilty.”
“What?No.There’sahugedifferencebetweenscratchingandmurderingsomeone.Imean,thescratchcould’vebeenanaccident.”Evenasshesaidthis,though,sheknewanaccidentwouldn’thavecausedElizabeth’sbreakdown.Shecouldpictureitnow,AbepointingtoElizabeth,sayingtothejury,“Thiswoman,aviolentwomanwhohurtherson,anunstablewomanonthevergeofbreakdown—weallsawit—onatraumaticday,afterthepolicebargedinwithchildabusecharges,afterahugefightwithafriend—isitanystretchtothinkthatthiswoman,onthisday,wouldsimplysnap?”
Youngsaid,“Ifshedidchildabusebutshedidnotstartthefire,doyouthinkshedeservespunishment?Notdeathpenalty,butprison?”
“Idon’tknow.”Teresasighed.“She’slostheronlychildinahorrificway.Theentireworldblamesher.She’slostanyfriendshe’shad.Shehasnothingleftinherlife.Soifallthathappenedandshedidn’tsetthefire?I’dsaythat’senoughpunishmentforanythingshe’sdone.”
Young’sfaceturnedredandsheblinkedrapidlytokeepbacktearsthat,despiteherefforts,werewellinginhereyes.“ButshewantedHenrytodie.Isawhisvideo.Whattypeofmothertellshersonshewisheshewoulddie?”
Teresaclosedhereyes.ThatmomentinHenry’svideohaddisturbedherthemost,andshe’dbeenfightingnottothinkaboutit.“Idon’tknowwhyHenrysaidthat,butIcan’tbelievesheevertoldhimanythinglikethat.”
“ButPaksaidshesaidthissamethingtoyou,shewantsHenrydead,shehasfantasies.”
“Pak?Buthow…”Asshesaidit,though,thememoryshe’dbeenpushingawaycametoher.Sometimes,IwishHenrywasdead.Ifantasizeaboutit.Saidinwhispersinthedarkenedchamber,withnoonenearby,except…“OhmyGod,didHenryhearusandtellPak?Buthow?Hewasattheotherendofthechamber,watchingavideo.”
“Sothisistrue.ElizabethsaidshewantsHenrytodie.”Itwasmoreastatementthanaquestion.
“No,itwasn’tlikethat.That’snotwhatshemeant.”ItwashardtoexplainwithouttellingthewholestoryofwhathappenedthatdaywithMary.ButhowcouldshetellYoung,ofallpeople?“OhmyGod,doesAbeknowaboutthis?”
Youngpressedherlipstogethersohardtheyturnedwhite,asifshewastryingtokeephermouthclosed,thenabruptlysaid,“Yes.Andheisgoingtoaskyouaboutit.Incourt.”
Theprospectofhavingtoexplain,makingpeopleunderstandthecontext—wasthatpossible?“Itwasn’t…it’snothowitsounds.Shedidn’treallymeanit,”Teresasaid.“Shewasjusttryingtohelpme.”
“Howdoessayingshewishesherson’sdeathhelpyou?”
Teresashookherhead,couldn’tsayanything.
Youngcamecloser.“Teresa,”shesaid.“Tellme.Iwanttounderstandthemeaning.Ineed.”
Teresalookedather,thiswomanwhowasthelastpersonshewantedtotellthisstoryto.Butifshewasright,Abewasgoingtoforcehertotellittoeveryoneincourt,anditwouldbetransmittedwithinanhourtoanyonewithacomputer.
Teresanodded.Youngwasgoingtofindoutanyway,andshedeservedtohearitdirectlyfromher.ShejusthopedYoungwouldn’thateheroncesheheardthestory.
SHE’DBEENINAFUNKthatday.She’dlefthomeattheusualtimefortheireveningdive,butassometimeshappenedinAugust,therewasvirtuallynotrafficandtheygottoHBOTforty-fiveminutesearly.Sheneededtopee,butshedidn’twanttoasktousetheYoos’bathroom.Notthatthey’drefuse—tothecontrary,theyencouragedit—butitembarrassedher,thewayYoungkeptapologizingfortheboxeseverywhereandrepeating“temporary”and“movingsoon.”
Shedrovedowntheroadandpulledintoasecludedspot.She’dusethetwenty-four-hoururine-collectioncontainershekeptinthevanfortimeslikethis.Itwasdisgusting,allright,butbetterthanthealternative:stoppingatagasstation,gettingRosa’swheelchairoutofthevan,findingakindgrandmothertypetowatchher(thosebathroomsbeingtoosmallforthewheelchair),whichinevitablyledtoquestionsaboutwhatconditionRosahadandiftherewashopeandhowshecouldbesobrave,andonandon,thengettingRosa’swheelchairbackandbuckledinthevan.Itwasexhausting,andittookfifteenminutes.Fifteenforapitstopthatshouldtaketwo!Sheknewsheshouldn’twhine;thereweresomany“bigger”thingstodealwith.Butitwastheseeverydayindignities,thesesmallchunksoflostminutes,thatgottohermost,madeherthinkhow“normal”parentshadnoideahowgoodtheyhadit.Oh,sure—momsofinfantsgotatasteofthis,butanythingwasbearablewhenitwastemporary;trydoingitdayafterday,knowingyou’ddothisuntilyoudied,thatyou’dbefrickingsquattinginavanpeeingintoajarwhenyouwereeighty,drivingaroundyourfifty-year-oldinvaliddaughtertoGodknowswhattherapiesthey’dhavebythen,worryingwho’dtakeoverwhenyoudied.
Sheendedupgoingoutsidetopee.Rosawasasleep,andshecouldn’tgettothepeejarwithoutmovingher,soshegotoutandwenttoahiddenspotbehindashed,surroundedbybushes.Justasshewaspullingdownherpants,sheheardaphoneringfrominsidetheshed.
“Hey,holdonasec,”saidagirl’svoice,muffledbythewall.ItsoundedliketheYoos’daughter,Mary.Teresastoodstill.Shedefinitelycouldn’tpee.Noises—boxesbeingmoved?—camefromtheshed.Thenthesamevoice.“I’mhere.Sorryaboutthat.”
Apause.“Justputtingsomeboxesback.Youknow,mysecretstash.”Alaugh.
Pause.“God,iftheyknew,they’dfreakout.Butthey’llneverfindit.It’sinabag,inabox,underotherboxes.”Anotherlaugh.
Pause.“Yeah,schnappsisgreat.Butlisten,canIpayyounextweek?”
Pause.“Ididgetit,butmydadfoundout,hewenttotallyberserko.Iapparentlyputitbackinthewrongspot.Imean,howamIsupposedtoknowhe’stotallyOCDaboutthefreakingorderofthecardsinhisfreakingwallet?”Scoff.
Pause.“No,I’llfindmymom’sandgetthecashtopayyouback.Nextweek,Ipromise.”
Pause.“Okay,bye.Oh,wait.CanIaskafavor?”
Laugh.“Yeah,anotherfavor.”Pause.“Someone’smailingmesomestuff,andIdon’twantmyparentsseeingit.CanIgiveyouraddress,andyoucanbringittoclass?”
Pause.“No,no.It’sjustapartmentlistings.I’mtryingtosurprisemyparents.”Pause.“Oh,thanks.That’sreallycoolofyou.Andlisten,haveyoucheckedonWednesdayyet?Youknow,mybirthday—”Pause.“Oh,okay.Sure,Iunderstand.Forsure.TellDavidIsaidhi.”
Therewastheclackofaflipphoneclosing,thenMaryimpersonatingherfriendinanexaggerated,whinysingsong,“OhmyGod,it’sDavid,didImentionhowmuchIloveDavid?Andno,Ican’tcometoyourbirthdaydinnerbecauseDavidmightcallme.”Switchtoregularvoice.“Bitch.”Sigh.Silence.
Teresabackedawayslowlytohervan.Sheclosedthedoorquietlyanddroveawayforafewminutesbeforestopping.ShelookedatRosa,stillasleep,herheadfloppedoverlikearagdoll’s.Herbreathsweredeepandeven,withasoftrasponeachexhalation—lighterthanasnore,gentlerthanawhistle.Innocent.Sweetlybeautiful,likeababy.
RosaandMarywerethesameage.IfRosahadn’tgottenthevirusthatravagedherbrain,wasthatwhatshe’dbedoing—drinking,conspiringwithfrenemies,stealinghermoney,allthethingsmothersprayedtheirkidswouldneverdo?Well,Rosaneverwould—prayeranswered,lifetimeguarantee.Sowhycouldshenotstopherselffromsobbing?
Thethingwas,itwastheunexpected,unenviablethingsaboutothers’livesthatgottohermost.People’spicture-perfectportrayalsoftheirlivesinholidaycardswiththosebraggycollages(soninsocceruniformholdingtrophy,daughterholdingviolinandmedal,parentsinteeth-baringsmilesadvertisingtheiroh-so-happiness)andbraggyletters(“Justasamplingofmyamazingkids’mostamazingachievements!”)—those,shecoulddismissasfake.
Buttheordinary,evenbadstuffthatwentuncelebratedbutdefinedlifewithgrowingkids—theeye-rolls,thedoorslams,the“You’reruiningmylife!”—thelossofthosethingswaswhatshegrieved.Shedidn’texpectto;whenCarlosstartedwiththeteenagenear-bipolarnonsense,she’deventhought,ThankGodRosa’snotlikethis.Butitwaslikemultiplenightfeedingswithnewborns—yes,itwashorrible,andyes,youprayedforittostop,butnotreally.Becausethatwasasignofnormalcy,andasbadasitcouldget,normalcywasabeautifulthingtothosewholostit.Sonow,thefactthatshe’dnevercatchRosastealingatwentyfromherwalletorsneakingliquororsaying“bitch”behindsomeone’sback—itgnawedatherinsidesandsentcrampsthrobbingthroughhergut.Shewantedallthat,andshehatedthattheYooshadit,andshewantedtodriveawayandneverseethemagain.
Butshedidn’t,ofcourse.ShedrovebacktoHBOTandsmiledatYoungandPakandgotinthechamber.Kittwasn’tcoming(TJwassick)andneitherwasMatt(stuckintraffic,apparently,whichwasstrangegivenherno-trafficcommute),soitwasjustherandElizabeth.Assoonasthehatchclosed,Elizabethsaidtoher,“Areyouokay?Isanythingwrong?”
Teresasaid,“Sure.Imean,no,nothing’swrong.I’mjusttired.”Shestretchedherlips,willedthecornerstobendupwardtowardherears.Itwashardtorememberthemusclemovementstoformanatural-lookingsmilewhenyouweretryingnottocry,whenyouwereswallowingandblinkingandthinking,Ohplease,thinkaboutanythingotherthanhowlifeisshittyandthisishowyoumightfeeltherestofyourlife
“Okay,”Elizabethsaid.“Okay.”Thewayshesaid“Okay”twice—tryingnottosoundhurt,likeagirlbeingtoldallthelunch-tableseatsweretaken—madeTeresawanttoconfideinher.Ormaybeitwasthechamber.TheemptydarknesswiththeDVD’sflickeringlightandthenarrator’slullingvoice—itfeltlikeaconfessional.Teresastoppedswallowingandblinking,scootedawayfromthekids,andstartedtalking.
ShetoldElizabethaboutherday,abouttheback-to-backtherapysessionsandRosafallingasleepandthepeejar.Shetoldherabouttwelveyearsago,howshe’dsaidgoodnighttoahealthyfive-year-oldgirl,goneonatwo-daytrip,andreturnedtofindherinacoma.Shetoldherhowshe’dblamedher(nowex-)husbandfortakingRosatothemall,notwashingherhands,givingherundercookedchicken,andonandon.ShetoldherhowthedoctorssaidRosawouldprobablydie,andifshedidn’t,there’dbebraindamage,severeandirreversible.
Deathversuscerebralpalsyandmentalretardation.Notdeath,pleasenotdeath,nothingelsematters,she’dprayed.Butforthetiniest,mostminusculeofmoments,she’dthoughtaboutlifelongbraindamage.Herlittlegirl,gone,butherphysicalshellthereasareminderofherabsence.Nursingherfull-time,normallifebrokenlikeatwig.Nojob,nofriends,noretirement.
“It’snotthatIwantedherdead.Ofcoursenot.Justthinkingaboutthat,Ican’teven…”Teresashuthereyestosqueezeouttheterrifyingthought.“Iprayedforhertolive,andshedid.Iwassograteful—Iam.But…”
“Butyouwonderifthatwastherightthingtoprayfor,”Elizabethsaid.
Teresanodded.Rosa’sdeathwouldhavedestroyedher,demolishedherlife.Butshewould’vehadtheluxuryoffinality,ofloweringthecoffinandsayinggood-bye.Andeventually,she’dhaverisenandrebuiltherlife.Thisway,shewasleftstanding,butinapurgatorystateofdescent,beingwhittledaway,bitbybit,daybyday.Wasthatbetter?“Whatmotherthinksthisway?”Teresasaid.
“Oh,Teresa,you’reagoodmom.You’rejusthavingabadday.”
“No,I’mabadperson.MaybethekidswouldbebetteroffwithTomas.”
“Stop,you’rebeingridiculous,”Elizabethsaid.“Look,it’shard.It’shardbeingamomtokidslikeours.Imean,IknowKittsaysIhaveiteasy,butitdoesn’tfeeleasy,youknow?Iworryallthetime,andIdriveeverywhere,tryingonethingafteranother,andthisdoubledive…”Sheshookherheadandchokedoutabitterlaugh.“God,Ihateit.I’mexhausted.SoifIfeellikethat,Ican’timaginehowyoumustfeel,havingtodealwithsomuchmore.Imeanit,Idon’tknowhowyoudoit.I’minaweofyou,andKittis,too.You’reanamazingmom,sopatientandgentlewithRosa,thewayyou’vesacrificedyourwholelifeforher.That’swhyeveryonecallsyouMotherTeresa.”
“Well,nowyouknow.It’sjustanact.”Teresablinkedandfelthottearswettinghercheeks,thefamiliarshame.MotherTeresa—whatajoke.“God,what’swrongwithme?Ican’tbelieveItoldyouallthis.I’msorry,I—”
“What?No.I’mgladyoutoldme.”Elizabethtouchedherarm.“Iwishmoremomswouldtalklikethis.Weneedtotelleachothertheuglystuff,thestuffwe’reashamedof.”
Teresashookherhead.“Ican’timaginewhatmyCPsupportgroupwoulddoiftheyheardthis.Kickmeout,probably.Othermomsjustdon’tthinkthingslikethis.”
“Areyoukidding?”Elizabethlookedather.“Comehere.”Shescootedallthewaynexttothehatchandintercom,asfarawayfromthekidsaspossible.Shesaidinahushedvoice,“RememberwhatKittsaidaboutTJandfever?”
Teresanodded.Kitthadbeentalkingaboutthephenomenonofsomekids’autismsymptomslesseningwithhighfever,andhowTJstopsheadbangingandevensaysone-syllablewordswhenhegetssickandhowheartbreakingitiswhenhisfeverbreaksandhereverts.(“It’swonderfulandterrible,seeingthisglimpseofwhohecouldbeforjustaday.”)
Elizabethcontinued.“Henry’stheopposite.Whenhe’ssick,hegetscompletelyspacey.Lasttime,hecouldn’tgethiswordsout,evenstartedrocking,whichhehadn’tdoneinayear.Iwassoscareditwaspermanent.Ifreakedoutandyelledathim,thinkingmaybeIcouldsnaphimoutofit.Ieven…”Elizabethlookeddownandshookherhead,asiftellingherselfno.“Anyway,IhadthismomentwhereIthought,whydidIhavehim?Ifhehadn’tbeenborn,mylifewouldbesomuchbetter.I’dbeapartnerbynow,andVictorandI’dstillbemarried,takingvacationsaroundtheworld.IstoppedresearchingregressionsandstartedlookingupislandsinFiji.”
Teresasaid,“That’snothing.It’slikefantasizingaboutanactor.”
Elizabethshookherhead.“Sincethen,whenI’mreallyfrustrated,sometimesIwishhedidn’texist.Ionceevenfantasizedabouthimdying.Insomepainlessway,maybeinhissleep.Whatwouldlifebelike?Woulditreallybethatbad?”
“Mom,”Henrycalledout.“TheDVD’sdone.Canyouputinanotherone?”
“Sure,sweetie.”ShebuzzedPak,askedforthenextDVD,andwaitedforittostartbeforewhisperingtoTeresa,“Anyway,mypointis,weallhaveourmoments.Butthey’rejustmoments,andtheypass.Attheendoftheday,youloveRosa,IloveHenry,andwe’vebothsacrificedeverythingandwe’ddoanythingforthem.Soifatinypartofushasthesethoughtsatinypartofthetime,thoughtsweshutoutassoonastheycreepin,isthatsobad?Isn’tthatjusthuman?”
TeresalookedatElizabeth,herkindsmilethatmadeherwonderifshe’dmadeupthewholestorytomakeTeresafeelbetter,lessalone.Shethoughtofhowlifemight’veplayedout:Rosa’sbody,longagopillagedbymaggots,nowapileofbonessixfeetunder.ShelookedoveratHenryandRosa,sittingtogetherintheirfish-tankoxygenhelmets,theirfacesbathedintheglowofthescreen.ShethoughthowRosawouldneverbelikeMary,whobynowwasprobablydrinkingandstewingoverherfriendwithDavidandGodknowswhatelse.MaybeitwasokaythatRosawassittinghereinstead,gurglingandlaughingatthesoundsofdinosaurs.
BACKONTHATDAY,andmanytimessince(especiallyrightafterMaryawokefromhercomawithnobraindamage),she’dimaginedtellingYoungaboutMary’smisdeeds,thesatisfactionshe’dfeelasYoungrealizedthatherflaunteddaughterwasnottheflawlessspecimenofparentalsatisfactionshe’dportrayed.Andnow,finally,wastheperfectopportunitytotellher,notoutofsheerpettiness,buttogivecontexttotheI-want-my-child-deadconversation.Butshecouldn’tdoit.ShelookedatYoung’sface,sotiredandconfused,andshereplacedMary’snamewith“ateenageratMcDonald’s.”
AfterTeresa’sstory,Youngsaid,“Pakwasright.ElizabethsaidshewantedHenrytodie.Howcananymothersaythis?”
Teresahadtoldthewholestorywithnoemotion,butnowalumpwasrisinginherthroat.Sheswallowed.“Isaidit,too,aboutRosa.Isaiditfirst.”
Youngshookherhead.“No,you…yoursituationisverydifferent.”
Differenthow?shewantedtoask.Butshedidn’thaveto.Sheknew.WhatYoungthought,whateveryonethought:Rosawasbetteroffdead.NotlikeHenry,whoselifewasvaluable,whosemothershouldn’tbewishingforhisdeath.ItwaswhatDetectiveHeightshadsaidinthecafeteria.Teresasaid,“It’shardwhenyouhaveadisabledchild,ofanykind.Idon’tthinkyoucanunderstandifyou’veneverexperiencedthat.”
“Marywasinacomafortwomonths.Ineverwishedforherdeath.Evenifsheisdamaged,Iwantedhernottodie.”
TeresawantedtoyellthatMarywasinthehospital,caredforbynurses.Youngdidn’tunderstandthatwhenthemonthsbecameyears,itchangedyou,thatitwasdifferentwhenyouhadtodoeverythingyourself.ShewantedtohurtYoung,couldn’tresisttheurgetostrikeheroffthepedestalfromwhichshecouldbesofrickingsanctimonious.“Youknow,Young,”Teresasaid,“thatgirlIheard,whowasbreakingtherules?ThatwasMary.”
Teresaregrettedsayingitbeforeshefinished,evenbeforeYoung’sfacescrunchedintowoundedconfusion.Youngsaid,“Mary?YousawherinMcDonald’s?”
“No.Itwasactuallyhere.Intheshed.”
“Thestorageshed?Whatwasshedoing?”
Shefeltsillynow.Whatwasshedoing,gettingagirlintroublefordoingstupidthingsallteenagersdid?“Nothing.Shewasjustmovingboxesaround.Youknowhowkidsare,theylikehavingsecretplacestohidestuff.Carlosdoesthesame—”
“Hide?Whichbox?”
“Idon’tknow.Iwasoutside,andIheardhertellsomeoneonthephoneshehadasecretstashinsomebox.”
“Stash?Drugs?”Young’seyeswidened.
“No,nothinglikethat.Itwasprobablyjustmoney.ShesaidsomethingaboutPakcatchinghertakingcardsfromhiswallet,so—”
“Cardfromwallet?Pakcatch?”Young’sfaceblanched,likeaphototransformingintosepiawiththeclickofabutton.Itwasobvious:PaknevertoldYoungaboutMarystealingmoney.Despiteherself,TeresafeltatingeofsatisfactionatthisadditionalproofofimperfectioninYoung’slife.Shefeltapinchofshame,andsaid,“Young,don’tworryaboutthis.Kidsdothiskindofthing.Carlostakesmoneyfrommywalletallthetime.”
Younglookeddazed,tooupsettosayanything.
“Young,I’msorry.Ishouldn’thavetoldyouallthis.It’snotabigdeal.Pleaseforgetaboutit.Mary’sagoodkid.Idon’tknowifsheevertoldyou,butlastsummer,shewasworkingwithaRealtortofindanapartmentforyouguys,asasurprise,whichIthinkissothoughtfuland—”
Younggrabbedherarmtight,nailsdiggingin.“Apartment?InSeoul?”
“What?Imean,Idon’tknow,butwhyinSeoul?Iassumeditwasaroundhere.”
“Butyoudonotknowthis?Youdidnotsee?”
“No,shejustsaidapartmentlistings,shedidn’tsaywhere.”
Youngclosedhereyes.HergriponTeresa’sarmtightened,andsheseemedtosway.
“Young?Areyouokay?”
“Ithink…”Youngopenedhereyesandblinkedafewtimes.Shetriedtosmile.“IthinkIamsickalso.Imustgohome.Please,tellAbewearesorrytobeabsenttoday.”
“Oh,no.Doyouwantmetodriveyou?Ihavetime.”
Youngshookherhead.“No,Teresa.Youhelpedmesomuch.Youareagoodfriend.”Youngheldherhandandsqueezed,andTeresafeltshamespreadthroughherbody,adesperationtodowhatevershecouldtorelieveYoung’spain.
WhenYoungwashalfwaydowntheaisle,Teresacalledout,“Ialmostforgottotellyou.”Youngturned.“Iheardearlier,AbesaidwhoeverusedMatt’sphonetomakethearsoncallspeaksEnglishwithnoaccent.SoPak’sintheclear.”
Young’smouthopenedandherbrowcrumpledintoafrown.Hereyesdartedsidetosideandshesaid,“Noaccent?”asifshedidn’tknowthosewordsandshewasaskingthetablesinfrontwhattheymeant,butthenherfrowndissolvedandeyesstilled.Sheclosedthem,andhermouthtwitchedasifshewasabouttosmileorcry,Teresacouldn’ttellwhich.
“Young?Areyouallright?”Teresastoodtogotoher,butYoungopenedhereyesandshookherhead,asifpleadingwithhernottocome.Withoutsayinganything,YoungturnedherbacktoTeresaandwalkedoutthedoor.
ELIZABETH
SHEFOUNDHERSELFinanunfamiliarroom,sittingonahardchair.Wherewasshe?Shedidn’tthinkshe’dbeenasleeporunconscious,butshecouldn’tremembergettinghere,thewayyoufeelwhenyou’redrivinghomeandyousuddenlyfindyourselfinyourgarage,unabletoremembertheactualdrive.
Shelookedaround.Theroomwastiny,itsfourfoldingchairsandTV-tray-sizedtabletakinguphalfthespace.Plaingraywalls.Shutdoor.Nowindows,vents,orfans.Wasshelockedupinsomeholdingcell?Amental-wardunit?Whywasitsohotandairless?Shefeltdizzy,couldn’tbreathe.Suddenly,amemory:Henrysaying,“Henrytoohot.Henrycan’tbreathe.”Whenwasthat?Hemust’vebeenfive,whenhewasstillmixinguppronounsandcouldn’tuse“I.”Thiswashowithadbeensincehedied:everythingshesaworheard,eventhingshavingnothingtodowithHenry,exhumedsomememoryofhimandsentherreeling.
Shetriedtopushitaway,buttheimagecameanyway:HenryinhisElmoswimtrunksinaportableinfraredsauna.Beinginsidethisroom—itsheat,smotheringausterity,sealed-incubiclefeel—wasremindingherofthesaunainherbasement.Thefirsttimehe’dgonein,that’swhenhe’dsaid,“Henrytoohot.Henrycan’tbreathe.”She’dtriedtobepatient,toexplainaboutsweatingouttoxins,butwhenhekickedopenthedoor—thebrand-newdooroftheten-thousand-dollarunitshe’dspentGodknowshowmanyphonecallsconvincingVictortheyneeded—shelostitandscreamed,“Goddammit!Nowyou’vebrokenit,”eventhoughsheknewitwasn’tbroken.Henrystartedcrying,hard,and,lookingathistearsmixingwithsnotintoamaskofslime,shefeltpurehatred.Itwasjustforamoment,oneshe’dregretandcryoverlater,butrightthen,shehatedherfive-year-oldson.Forhavingautism.Formakingeverythingsohard.Formakingherhatehim.“Stopbeingacrybaby.Right.Fucking.Now,”shesaid,andslammedthesaunadoor.Hedidn’tknowwhatfuckingmeant,andsheneverusedthatword,buttherewassomethingsosatisfyingaboutsayingit,theaggressivepercussivenessofthefandksoundsspittingfromhermouth,andcombinedwiththeslam—thatwasenoughtoreleaseherrageandcalmher.ShewantedtorunbackandsayMommywassorryandcradlehim,buthowcouldshefacehim?Bettertopretenditneverhappened,towaitforthehalf-hourtimertoding,thenpraisehimforbeingbrave,withnomentionofthecryingorscreaming.Alltheuglinessvaporizedaway.
ShealwayswentinwithHenryafterthat,tellingjokesandsingingsillysongstodistracthim,butheneverstoppedhatingit.Everyday,gettinginthesauna,hesaid,“Henryisbrave.Henryisnotacrybaby,”andblinkedrapidly,thewayhedidwhentryingnottocry.Andduringthesessions,whenhewipedathistears,sheswallowedandsaid,“Wow,you’resweatingsomuch,it’sevengettinginyoureyes!”
Thinkingofthatnow,shewondered:HadHenrybelievedher?Hesometimessaidbacktoher,“Henrysweatsomuch!”andsmiled.Washissmilegenuine,fromreliefshewasn’tyellingathimforcrying,orfake,topretendthathistearsweresweat?Wasshemerelyameanmomwhofrightenedherchild,orapsychoticmomwhoturnedhimintoaliar?Orboth?
Thedooropened.AsShannonwalkedinwithAnna,anassociate,shesawthefamiliarhallwayoutsidethecourtroom.Ofcourse.Theywereinoneoftheattorneyconferencerooms.
Shannonsaid,“Annafoundafan,andIgotsomewater.Youlookpalestill.Here,drink.”SheputacuptoElizabeth’slipsandtiltedit,thewayyouwouldforaninvalid.
Elizabethpusheditaway.“No,I’mjusthot.It’shardtocatchmybreathinhere.”
“Iknow,I’msorry,”Shannonsaid.“It’salotsmallerthanourusualroom,butthisistheonlyonewithoutanywindows.”
Elizabethwasabouttoaskwhynowindows,butsheremembered.Theclicksandflashesofcameras,Shannontryingtoshieldher,reporterspeltingnonstopquestionsather:Whatdidyoumeanthere’snocat?Didyourneighborshavecats?Haveyoueverhadcats?Doyoulikecats?WasHenryallergictocats?Doyoubelieveindeclawingcats?
Cat.Scratch.Henry’sarm.Hisvoice.Hiswords—
Elizabethfeltfaint,hersensesdrainingoutandtheworldfadingtoblack.Sheneededair.Shemovedherfacedowndirectlyinfrontofthesmallfanclippedtothetable.Thelawyersdidn’tseemtonotice;theywerecheckingvoicemailande-mails.Shefocusedontheair,thebladeswhirringinablur,andafteraminute,bloodreturnedtoherhead,atinglingaroundherscalp.“IsthatapictureofElizabeth’snails?”Annasaid,andShannonsaid,“Shit,Ibetthejury’s—”Elizabethputherhandsoverherearsandclosedhereyes,focusedonthebuzzofthefanthat,ifsheconcentratedhardenough,filteredouttheirvoicesandleftonlyHenry’sTakevacationsaroundtheworld.Ishouldneverhavebeenborn.Thecathatesme.
“Thecathatesme,”shesaid,underherbreath.Washeelaboratingontheimaginarycat,orwashetalkingabouther,whoscratchedhimandbecamethe“cat”inhisstory?Didhereallythinkshehatedhim?Andthereferencetovacations—she’dsaidthattoTeresa,once.She’dmovedfarfromHenry,whowaswatchingDVDs,andwhisperedtomakesurehewouldn’thear.Buthe’dheard.Herwhisperedconfessionthatshesometimeswishedhimdead—thosewordshadbouncedandechoedagainstthesteelwallsandsomehowreachedhisears.
Sheoncereadthatsoundsleftpermanentimprints;thetonalvibrationspenetratednearbyobjectsandcontinuedforinfinityatthequantumlevel,likewhenyouthrowpebblesintheoceanandtheripplescontinuewithoutend.Didherwords,theirugliness,penetratethewalls’atoms—thesamewayHenry’spainathearingthempermeatedhisbrain—andthatlastdive,whenHenrywassittinginthatsamespotwithinthosewalls,theuglinessandthepaincollidedintoablast,blowingaparthisneuronsandtorchinghimfromtheinside?
Thedooropened,andanotherassociate,Andrew,walkedin.“RuthWeisssaidyes!”
“Really?That’sgreat,”saidShannon.
Elizabethlookedup.“Theprotester?”
Shannonnodded.“IaskedhertotestifyaboutPakthreateningher.Itsupportsour—”
“Butshedidit.ShesetthefireandkilledHenry.Youknowthat,”Elizabethsaid.
“No,Idon’tknowthat,”Shannonsaid.“Iknowyouthinkthat,butwe’vebeenoverthis.TheywentstraightfromthepolicestationtoD.C.CelltowerpingsplacetheminD.C.properat9:00,sothere’snoway—”
“Theycould’veplannedit,”Elizabethsaid.“Onepersoncould’vestayedbehindtosetthefire,buttheytookallthephonestoestablishalibis.Ortheycould’vedrivenreallyfast,madethedriveinfiftyminutes,or—”
“There’snoevidenceofanyofthat,whereasthere’satonofevidenceagainstPak.We’reincourt.Weneedevidence,notspeculation.”
Elizabethshookherhead.“That’swhatthepolicedidtome.Itdidn’tmatterwhetherIreallydidit,justthatI’mtheeasiesttoprosecute.You’redoingthesamething.I’vetoldyouallalong,youneedtogoaftertheprotesters,butyou’regivinguponthembecauseit’stoohardtogetproof.”
“Damnright,”Shannonsaid.“It’snotmyjobtogoaftertherealperpetrators.Myjobistodefendyou.AndIdon’tcarehowmuchyouhatethem.IftheycanhelpthejurytoseePakasaviablealternativeandreturnanot-guiltyverdict,they’reyourbestfriendsrightnow.Andyouneedsome,becauseafteryouroutbursttoday,you’velostanysupportyouhad.TherumormillisthatTeresawentbacktoAbe’sside.”
“It’strue,”Andrewsaid.“Isawit,passingbyalittlewhileago.Shewasaloneinthecourtroom,andshegotupandswitchedseats,totheprosecution’sside.”
Teresa,herlastandonlyfriend.Thecat-scratchthinghadrepelledher,ofcourseithad.
“Shit,”Shannonsaid.“Idon’tknowwhyshehastobesodramaticaboutit,allthiswalking-across-the-aislenonsense.NowonderAbewassosmugjustnow.”
Annasaid,“Wejustsawhim,andhesaidhe’scallingTeresanext,andhetriedtorattleus.‘She’sheardsomeveryinterestingthingsthatwillfascinatethejury,’”AnnasaidinaSouthern-twangimitation.“He’ssuchanasshole.”
“I’vebeenthinkingaboutthat,”Shannonsaid.“HesaidTeresa’stestifyingaboutthingsshe’sheard,whichmeansithastobeahearsayexception,whichmeans—”
“Anadmission?”Annasaid.
“That’smyguess.”ShannonturnedtoElizabeth.“HaveyousaidanythingtoTeresathatcouldmakeyoulookbad?Thewayhewasacting,itmustbesomethingprettyincriminating.”
Itcouldonlybeonething.Theirconversationinthechamber.Theshameful,secretwordsthey’dwhisperedtoeachotheralone,meanttobesharedwithnoone,nevertoberepeated.Thewordsshecouldn’tbeartoeventhinkabout,Teresawasplanningtorepeatinopencourt,andthey’dsoonbespreadtotheworldthroughwebsitesandnewspapers.
Shefeltapangofbetrayal.ShewantedtofindTeresaanddemandtoknowhowshecouldturnagainstherwhensheherselfsaidthosesamewords,thoughtthosesamethoughts.ShewantedtotellShannonhowTeresasaidshewantedRosadead.Howsatisfyingitwouldbe,watchingShannontearherapartincourt.Tohavetheall-caringMotherTeresabecastintheroleofBadMotherforonce.
ButTeresawasn’tabadmother.Teresadidn’tscratchherchild.Teresadidn’tforceherchildintopainfultreatmentsthatmadehersobandthrowup.Andnomatterwhatshemayhavethoughtorsaid,Teresanevermadeherchildthinkshehatedher.Teresahadgoodreasontoabandonhernow:shefinallyrealizedhowdespicableElizabethwas,andshewantedjusticeforHenryagainstthemotherwho’dfailedhim.
“Elizabeth,canyouthinkofanything?”Shannonrepeated.
Sheshookherhead.“No,nothing.”
“Well,keepthinking.I’dliketoknowwhat’scoming.Otherwise,I’llhavetocrossherblind.”Shannonturnedtoherassociates.
Cross.Shecouldhearitnow:“WhathappenedrightbeforeElizabethsaidthis?Imean,youweren’tjustsaying,Oh,Igotahaircut,andsheblurtedout,IwishHenrywoulddie,right?I’mcurious—haveyousaidanythinglikethis?Everthinkit?”Itnauseatedher,thinkingofstrangerspassingjudgmentonTeresa’smostintimatethoughts,theprivatewordsshe’dsaidonlyatElizabeth’scoaxing.SheneededtosaveTeresafromhavingtotellthatstory,fromthepaintoherandRosaandCarlosfromthebroadcastingofthosewords.Buthow?
Shannonturnedtoher.“CanyoulisteveryonewhospenttimealonewithHenrylastsummer?Therapists,babysitters…anddidn’tVictorcomevisitoneweekend?”
“Why?”
“Well,it’sjust,youcaninterpretwhatyousaidindifferentways,andwe’rebrainstormingwhat‘Thereisnocat,’couldmean,whyapersonmightsaythat.”
“Aperson?”Elizabethsaid.“I’mtheperson.I’mtheonewhosaidit,andI’mrighthere.Whydon’tyoujustaskme?”
Noonesaidanything.Theydidn’thaveto.Theydidn’taskherbecausetheydidn’tneedto.Itwasobvious,theyknewtheanswer,buttheydidn’twanttobeconstrainedbythetruthintheir“brainstorming”onhowtospinthis.
“Isee,”Elizabethsaid.“Well,I’lltellyouanyway.WhatImeantby—”
Shannonputupherhand.“Stop.Youdon’tneedto…”Shesighed.“Look,itdoesn’tmatterwhatyoumeant.Whatyousaidisnotevidence.Thejudgetoldthejurorstodisregardit,andinaperfectworld,thatwouldbetheendofit.Butthisisreallife.They’rehuman,andthere’snowayitwon’taffectthem.SoIneedtoneutralizeitbygivingthemalternativestoyoubeingachildabuser.”
Elizabethswallowed.“Buthow…What’sthealternative?”
“Someoneelsecould’vehurthim,”Shannonsaid.“SomeoneHenrywantedtoprotect,someoneyoumaybehadsuspicionsabout,anditupsetyousomuchhearingHenrycoveringupforthatperson,youhadabreakdownincourt.”
“What?Youwanttotakesomeinnocentpersonandaccusethemofchildabuse?AteacherortherapistorVictor?Victor’swife?MyGod,Shannon!”Elizabethsaid.
“Notaccuse,”Shannonsaid.“Merelyhypothesize.Distractthejuryfromstuffthey’rethinkingaboutyou,whichthey’renotsupposedtobethinkinginthefirstplace.Allwe’lldoispointoutsometheoreticalreasonswhyyoucouldhavesaidthat.”
“No.That’scrazy.Youknowthat’snottrue.YouthinkIscratchedhim.Iknowyoudo.”
“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatIthink.ItmatterswhatevidenceIcanpresentandwhatargumentsIcanmake.AndI’mnotgoingtobackawayfromsomethingjustbecauseit’snotverynice.Youunderstand?”
“No.”Elizabethstoodup.Bloodrushedoutofherheadandtheroomseemedtoshrink.“Youcan’tdothat.Youneedtosticktojustsayingthishasnothingtodowithwhosetthefire.Youcanconvincethejuryofthat.”
“No,Ican’t,”Shannonsaid,herwordsfinallylosingthatveneerofforcedcalmness.“IcanargueittillI’mblueintheface,butifthejurythinksyouhurtHenry,theywon’twanttosidewithyou,nomatterwhotheythinkreallysetthefire.They’llwanttopunishyou.”
“Thenletthem.Ideserveit,anyway.Iwon’tletyoubringinnocentpeopleintothis.”
“Butthey—”
“Stop,”Elizabethsaid.“Iwantthisover.Iwanttopleadguilty.”
“What?Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“I’msorry,Ireallyam,butIcan’tdothisanymore.Ican’tgobackinthereforonemoresecond.”
“Allright,allright,”Shannonsaid.“Let’scalmdownhere.Ifitbothersyouthatmuch,wewon’tdoit.I’lljustfocusonthepointthatthescratchisnotrelevanttotheultimate—”
“Itdoesn’tmatter,”Elizabethsaid.“It’snotjustthis.It’severything.Thescratch,Pak,theprotesters,Teresa,thevideo,Ineeditalltostop.Iwanttopleadguilty.Today.”
Shannondidn’tsayanything,justtookdeepbreathsthroughhernose,mouthclampedshut,asiftryinghardnottoloseit.Whenshefinallyspoke,herwordswereoverlyslow,likethoseofamotherreasoningwithatantrumingtoddler.“Alot’shappenedtoday.Ithinkyouneedabreak,wealldo.I’llaskthejudgetoadjournfortheday,andwecanallsleeponit.”
“Thatwon’tchangeanything.”
“Fine.Ifyoustillfeellikethistomorrow,wecangotothejudge.Butyouneedtoreallythinkthisthrough.Youowemethatmuch.”
Elizabethnoddedandsaid,“Okay.Tomorrow,”eventhoughsheknewshewouldn’tchangehermind.Theycouldthrowherinprisonandmeltthekeyintoametallicpuddleandshewouldn’tcare.Thinkingthis,knowingeverythingwouldendsoon,Elizabethfeltherpanicofthepastmomentslift,restoringhersenses.Itwaslikewhenyourfootfallsasleep,thenumbnessturningtotingling,itching,thenpainasitawakens,exceptitwashappeningtoherwholebody.Suddenly,shewasawareofhersweat,thestickinessaroundherhairline,thewetnessunderherarms.“I’mgoingtothebathroom.Ineedsomewateronmyface.”Sheleftwithoutwaitingforaresponse.
ShesawYoungalmostimmediately,inaphoneboothafewstepsaway.Fromherangle,shecouldseethesideofYoung’sface,sallowandpasty,thewayhershouldersdroopedlikeamarionettewithcutstrings.ShethoughtofYoungpushingPak’swheelchairintocourt,themanwhobecameparalyzedbecausehetriedtohelpHenryandKitt.Andnowherownlawyerwasvilifyinghim,alltodivertblameawayfromher.
ElizabethstoppedandwaitedforYoung.Afterafewminutes,Younghungupandcameout.Themomenttheireyesmet,Younggasped,hereyeswideninginsurprise.No.Itwasmorethansurprise.Itwasfear.Andsomethingelseshecouldn’tquitemakeout—lipsquivering,knittedbrow,eyesdroopingattheouteredges.Itlookedlikesorrowandrepentance,butthatdidn’tmakesense.Shemustbemisreadingit,likewhenyoustareatawordtoolong,andevenasimplewordlikearelooksforeignandyounolongerknowhowtopronounceit.TheexpressiononYoung’sfacehadtobepurehostilityforputtingherfamilythroughmisery.
Elizabethsteppedtowardher.“Young,IwantyoutoknowhowsorryIam.Ididn’tknowthatmylawyerwasgoingtoblamePak.PleasetellhimhowsorryIam.Iwishthisweekhadneverhappened.Ipromisethis’llbeoversoon.”
“Elizabeth,Iam…”Youngbitherlipandlookedaway,asifunsurewhattosay.“Ihopethiswillendverysoon,”Youngfinallysaidbeforewalkingaway.
Tomorrow,Elizabethwantedtocallout.I’mpleadingguiltytomorrow.Thewordswereburstingoutofher.“I’mpleadingguiltytomorrow,”shesaid,softly,butaloud.Itwasridiculous.Shewasgettingsenttodeathrow,notgettingmarried.Still,nowthatshe’ddecided,herreliefwasballooningintoexcitement,makingherwishshehadafriendtoshareitwith.Plus,apologizingtoYounghadsiphonedoutsomeofherguilt.Thisconfirmedit.Shewasrighttowanttoendeverythingassoonaspossible.
Shewentintothebathroom,tooksometoiletpaper,andwipedthesweatoffherface.Onherwayout,sheranintoShannonandAndrew,whoweregoingtomeetwiththejudge.Annawasstillintheroom,onthephone.Whenshewalkedin,Annaclosedherlaptopandmouthed,“Oneminute—I’llberightoutside,”andleft
Elizabethsatatthetableandputherhandsbythefantocooloff.Anna’slaptopwassittingonsomepapers,andshewastemptedtoreadit.No.Noneofitmattered.Theirstrategies,arguments,witnesses—irrelevant.ShelookedaroundandsawherpursenexttoShannon’spurseandbriefcaseinthecorner.She’dbeenwonderingwheresheleftthat.Asshewenttogetit,shesawalegalnotepadinShannon’sbriefcasepocket.Itwascrooked,andapartialphrasepeekedoutGUILTYPLEACH—
Guiltypleachange?Guiltypleachance?Guiltypleachat?
Elizabethmovedthenotepadwithonefinger,justenoughtomakeoutthephrase.InShannon’sneathandwriting,onthetopleftcorner,readGUILTYPLEACHALLENGE?Sheliftedthenotepadout.Itwasabullet-pointlistinShannon’shandwriting:
?VAguiltypleareq.—“knowing,voluntary&intelligent”metifmentallyincompetent?(Anna)?Precedentforchallengingownclient’sguiltypleaoncompetencegrounds(Andrew)(Pullcasesre:guiltypleaas“fraudonthecourt”)?Conflictofinterest,needtowithdrawfirst?—ethicalrules(Anna)?Mentalcompetenceevaluation—mtngDr.Ctonight!(Shannon)
Guiltyplea.Mentalcompetence.Challengingownclient’sguiltyplea.Herthroattightened,thecollarofherblousepressingintoherneck,makinghergag.Sheundidthetopbuttonandbreathedindeeplytotakeoxygenintoherlungs.
Let’ssleeponit,justtomakesure,Shannonhadsaid.Ifyoustillwantto,we’llgoseethejudgetomorrow,she’dsaid.Butshewasn’tplanningtoletElizabethpleadguilty.Nottomorrow.Notever.Shannonwaslaunchinganoffensiveagainstherownclient.ShewasplanningtosayElizabethwascrazy,shewasdefraudingthecourt—anythingsheneededtokeepthetrialgoing.ShewasgoingtodragElizabethbackandmakeherwatchtherestofHenry’svideo.ShewasgoingtoforceTeresatotestifyabouttheshamefulthoughtsthey’dsharedinsecret.ShewasgoingtolieaboutVictororwhoeverwasconvenientandaccusethemofabuse.ShewasgoingtoblamePakanddraghimthroughthemud,andworse,shewasgoingtousetheprotesterstodoit.
Theprotesters.RuthWeiss.ProudAutismMom.Thinkingofthatwoman,shefeltthefamiliarpunchofhatredsostrongthatshegotdizzy,hadtotouchthewallforbalance.ThatwomanhadburnedElizabeth’slittleboy,allbecauseshewantedtomakeapoint,toproselytizeher“autismtheory”(nothingmorethanajustificationforherownparentingstyle,inreality).AnditwasElizabeth’sownfaultfornotstoppingher.Thatwomanhadstalkedheronautismchatboards,threateningandbad-mouthingher,evengoingtoCPS,andElizabethhadignoredtheescalationandletitgetoutofcontrol,enablingthatwomantotakeextremeactionwithoutfearofconsequence.Andnow,becauseofherowninactionandcowardice,RuthWeisshadgottenawaywithmurderandwaspoisedtobringmorepaintoanotherofhervictims,Pak.
No.Shecouldn’tletthathappen.
Shestoodupandpaced.Sheneededtogetout,buttherewasnowindowtoclimbout,andAnnawasrightoutsidethedoor.Evenifshecouldsomehowgetoutofthebuilding,whatcouldshedo?Shedidn’thaveacar,anditwasn’tliketaxiswereroamingthestreets.Shecouldcallone,butitmightnotgetherebeforepeoplerealizedshewasgone.Still,shehadtotry.
Shewenttogetherpurse.Asshereached,Shannon’spursenexttoitmovedanditscontentsshifted.Itwasasifthejanglinginsideloosenedsomedeep-seatedimageinElizabeth’smind.Animageofherselfdoingsomethingsheshould’vedonelongago.
ShegrippedShannon’spurseandstoodup.Sheknewexactlywheresheneededtogoandwhatsheneededtodo.Shejusthadtodoit.Quickly,beforeanyonecaughther.Beforeshecouldchangehermind.
MATT
MATTANDJANINEWAITEDFORABEoutsidethejudge’schambersstandingsidebyside.Anothercouplestoodnearby,younger,andfromtheirfrequentkissingandjointadmiringofherring,heguessedtheywerewaitingtobemarried.TheyprobablythoughtheandJanineweregettingdivorced—Janine’sfacewasallfrown,andshekeptwhisper-yelling,“Tellmerightnow.Whatthefuckarewedoinghere?”whilehestayedsilent,shakinghishead.
Itwasn’tthathedidn’twanttotellher.Theproblemwas,heknewJanine.Knewshe’darguefornottellingAbethefulltruth—herbeingtherethatnight,forexample,orhissmokingwithMary.Knewshe’dtellhimtoplanandpracticehisexactwording.Andthethingwas,hewassickofit,thehiding,scheming,enumeratingfacts,andonandon.HeneededtofaceAbeandspewitallout,fucktheconsequences.
AbeandShannonwalkedout,eachwithanunderling.“Abe,Ineedtotalktoyou,rightnow,”Mattsaid.
“Sure,we’readjournedfortheday.Wecanusethisroom.”Abeopenedthedoortoaconferenceroomacrossthehall.
Shannonraisedaneyebrow,anditoccurredtoMatt:sheneededtoknow,too,evenmorethanAbe.ButhowmuchofhisconfessionwouldsurviveAbe’slegal-technicalitiesfilterandactuallyreachher?Andwasn’tthatwhyhehadn’ttoldJaninefirst,tobypassanyconspiratorialshenanigans?Hesaid,“Ms.Haug,you,too.Ineedtotalktoyouboth,together.”
Abeshookhishead.“That’snotagoodidea.Let’sfirst—”
“No,”Mattsaid,suremorethaneverthatShannonneededtohearthis.“Iwon’tsayanythingunlesswe’reallinthesameroom.Andtrustme,youwanttohearthis.”Hewalkedintotheroom,pullingJaninealong,andShannonfollowed.Abestoodinthedoorway,glaringandfuming.
Shannonpositionedherlegalpadandsaid,“Shallwegetstarted?”ShesaidtoAbe,“Ifyou’releaving,wouldyouclosethedoorbehindyou?”
Abe’seyesscrunchedintoanI’d-like-nothing-better-than-to-kill-you-right-nowlookbeforehesteppedinandsatacrossfromMatt.Hedidn’ttakeoutapadorpen,justleanedback,crossedhisarms,andsaidtoMatt,“Allright,let’shaveit.”
MattreachedforJanine’shandunderthetable.Shesnatcheditaway,pursingherlipslikeshetastedsomethingbitterandwastryingnottospititout.Matttookinadeepbreath.“Theinsurancecall.Youknow,theoneaboutarson.”
Abeuncrossedhisarmsandleanedforward.
“Irememberedsomething.Maryhadaccesstomycar.SheknewwhereIkeptasparekey.”HelookedatAbe.“Englishwithnoaccent.”
“Wait,”Shannonsaid.“Areyousaying—”
“Also,”Mattsaid,afraidhewouldn’tbeabletocontinueifhestopped,“Marysmokedcigaretteslastsummer.Camels.”
Abesaid,“Andyouknowthisbecause…”
“Wedidittogether.Smoking,Imean.”Mattfeltheatburstinhischeeks,andhewilledhiscapillariestoconstrictandstopthebloodfromrushingtohisskin’ssurface.“I’mnotasmoker,butoneday,onawhim,IgotcigarettesandIwassmokingbeforeadiveandMaryhappenedtoshowupandIgaveherone.”
“Sojustonce,then,”Abesaid,moreastatementthanaquestion.
MattlookedatJanine,herfaceinfusedwithdreadandhope,andhethoughtaboutlastnight,histellingheritwasjustthatonce.“No.Igotinthehabitofsmokingbythecreek,andshewasouttheresometimes,soI’dseeher.Maybeadozentimesthewholesummer.”
Janine’smouthopenedinanOatherrealizationthathe’dliedlastnight.Again.
“Andyoubothsmoked,everytime?”Shannonsaid.
Mattnodded.
“Camels?”Shannonsaid.
Mattnodded.“Andyes,Iboughtthemata7-Eleven.”
“Jesus,”Abesaid,shakinghisheadandlookingdownlikehewantedtopunchthetable.
Shannonsaid,“SotheCamelsandmatchesElizabethfound—”
“Allegedlyfound,”Abesaid.
ShannonswattedtheairlikeAbewasagnat,keepingherfocusonMatt.“Whatdoyouknowaboutthose,Dr.Thompson?”
MattfeltasurgeofgratitudetowardShannonfornotaskingthequestionshewasdreading,aboutwhatelsehappenedduringthese“meetings”(suretobesaidwithtonalquotes)andexactlyhowoldMarywas.HelookedShannonstraightintheeyeandsaid,“Thecigarettesandmatchesweremine,whatIbought.”
“AndtheH-Martnoteaboutmeetingat8:15?”Shannonsaid.
“Mine.IleftthatforMary.Iwantedtostop.Quit,Imean.Thesmoking.AndIfiguredIshouldletherknow,andapologize,youknow,forgettingherintoabadhabit,soIsentherthatnote,andshewrote‘Yes’andleftitformethemorningoftheexplosion.”
“JesusfriggingChrist,”Abesaid,lookingatablankspotonthewallandshakinghishead.“AllthosetimesIbroughtuptheH-Martnote,andyou…”Abeshuthislips.
“SohowdidtheygetoutintothewoodswhereElizabethfoundthem?”Shannonsaid.
Thiswaswherehehadtotreadlightly.Itwasonethingtopurgeyourselfofyourownstory,damntheconsequences,butthisnextpartwasJanine’sstory,nothis.HeglancedatJanine.Shewasstaringblanklyatthetable,herfacedrainedofcolorlikearefrigeratedcadaver.“I’mnotsurewhythat’srelevant,”Mattsaid.“Shefoundthemwhereshefoundthem.Whydoesitmatterhowtheygotthere?”
“Itmattersbecausetheprosecutionhere”—ShannonglaredatAbe—“hassaidrepeatedlythatthecigarettesandmatchesElizabethhadwereusedtosetthefire.Soweneedtoknowwhoelsehadthemandcould’veusedthembeforediscardingtherestforhertofind.”
Mattsaid,“Well,IwassealedupinHBOT,soIcouldn’t—”
“Itookthem.IgavethemtoMary,”Janinesaid.Mattdidn’tlookather,didn’twanttoseehereyeswellingwithfuryathimforputtingherinthissituation.
“What?When?”Shannonsaid.
“Aroundeight,beforetheexplosion.”Janine’svoicehadaslightshaketoit,likeshewascoldandshivering,andMattwantedtotakeherinhisarmsandtransferhiswarmth.“Isuspectedtherewassomething…someoneMatt…Anyway,thatday,IwentthroughMatt’scar—glovebox,trashonthefloor,trunk,everything—andIfoundthem.”
Mattreachedforherhandandsqueezedit.Shecould’vejustsaidshefoundthenote,butshedidn’t.Itfeltlikeforgiveness,heradmittingtosnoopingthroughhisstuff,givingdetails.Likeshewassayingitwasn’tallhisfault;theybothdidstupidthings.
“AreyousayingyouwenttoMiracleCreekthatnight?”Shannonsaid.
Janinenodded.“Ididn’ttellMatt.Ijustwantedtoseewhatthismeetingwas.Anyway,thedivewasrunninglate—Mattcalledtoletmeknow—andIsawMary,soIstoppedherandgavehereverythingandtoldhershewasabadinfluenceandtoleavehimalone,andIleft.”
“Letmegetthisstraight,”Shannonsaid.“Lessthanthirtyminutesbeforetheexplosion,MaryYoowasbyherself,closetothebarn,inpossessionofCamelcigarettesand7-Elevenmatches.That’swhatyou’retellingme?”
Janinelookeddownandnodded.
ShannonturnedtoAbe.“Areyoudroppingthecharges?Becauseifnot,I’mmovingforamistrial.”
“What?”Abestood,thecolorthathaddrainedfromhisfacereturning.“Don’tbemelodramatic.Justbecausetherewassomehanky-pankygoingonheredoesn’tmeanyourclient’sinnocent.Farfromit.”
“Therewasdeliberateobstructionofjustice,nottomentionperjury.Onthestands.Byyourstarwitness.”
“No,no,no.Whosecigaretteitwas,whosenote—thesearefunlittlesidemysteries.Yourclientwantedtogetridofherson,andshewasalonewiththeweaponsinhandatthetimethefirewasset,andnothingthat’sbeensaidherechangesanyofthat.”
Shannonsaid,“ExceptthatMaryYooisnow—”
“MaryYooisakidwhoalmostdiedintheexplosion.”Abepoundedhisfistonthetable,sendingShannon’spenrolling.“Shehadnomotivewhatsoev—”
“Nomotive?Hello?Haveyouheardanythingthey’vesaid?Ateenager,havinganaffairwithamarriedman.Getsjilted,confrontedbythewife.Totallyhumiliated,furious,wantstojustkilltheguywho,oh,bytheway,happenstobeinsidethethingshesetsanexplosionto.Areyoukiddingme?It’sclassicmurder-mysterystuff,nottomentionthenicelittlesidebenefitof1.3milliondollarsfromtheinsurancesheherselfcalledtoverify.”
“Wedidn’thaveanaffair,”Mattmanagedtosay,thoughnotloudly,andShannonwhippedherheadhisway.“What?”
Hestartedtorepeathimself,butJaninecutin,saidsomething,butquietly,lookingdown,almostmurmuring,somethingaboutthecall.
Abeseemedtohaveheard.Hestaredather,said,“Whatdidyousay?”Shockflowedthroughhiswords,hisface.
Janineclosedhereyes,letoutadeepbreath,andopenedthemagain.ShelookedatAbe.“Imadethecall.Itwasn’tMary.Youwereright;MattandIswitchedphonesthatday.”
Abe’smouthopened,inslowmotion,thenfroze,nowordscomingout.
JanineturnedtoMatt.“IinvestedahundredthousanddollarsinPak’sbusiness.”
Invested$100,000?Janinecallingaboutarson?Theseweresofarafieldfromanythinghe’dexpectedthathisbraincouldn’tmakesenseofthem,couldn’tprocesshowtheyfittedintoanyofthis.Mattstaredathiswife’slipsthroughwhichthosewordshadcome,thedilatedblackpupilscoveringalmosttheentiretyofheririses,theearlobesthatdangledbrightredfromhercheeks,alltheelementsofherfacetiltingindifferentdirectionslikeoneofthoseCubistportraits.
Janinecontinued.“Ithoughtitwasagoodinvestment.Hehadpatientslinedup,andthey’dallsignedcontractsandpaiddeposits,and—”
Mattblinked.“Youtookourmoney?Isthatwhatyou’resaying?Withouttellingme?”
“We’dbeenfightingalotandIdidn’twantanotherfight.YouweresoagainstHBOT,youwereirrationalaboutit.Ithoughtyou’dsayno,butitseemedlikesuchano-brainer.Pakwasgoingtopayusbackfirst,sowe’dhaveallourmoneybackinfourmonths,beforeyouevenmissedit,andthenwe’dgetashareoftheprofitsgoingforward.Wehadallthatmoneyjustsittinginouraccounts,anditwasn’tlikeweneededit.”
Shannonclearedherthroat.“Look,Icangiveyouthenameofagoodmarriagecounselortoworkthisout,butlet’sgetbacktothearsoncall.Whatdoesallthishavetodowiththatcall?”shesaid,andMattfeltanotherwaveofgratitudetoher.Forforcinghisattentionawayfromthefactthathiswifehadliedyetagain,allbecauseshedidn’twantthebotherofapotentialfight.Wasthatbetterorworsethanwhyhe’dlied—becausehedidn’twanttostopmeetingagirl?
Janinesaid,“Afewweeksafterthedivesstarted,Paksaidhefoundapileofcigarettebuttsandmatchesinthewoods.Hefigureditwasjustteenagers,buthewasworriedaboutthemsmokingnearthebarn,andhewantedmyadviceaboutwhethertoputupwarningsaboutoxygenandsmokingbeingforbidden.Wediscusseditanddecidedagainstit,butitmademenervousaboutourmoney.Inthebeginning,Pakdidn’twanttogetinsurance,andIhadtotellhimIwouldn’tinvestunlesshedid.Anditoccurredtome—whatifhegotsomebare-bonespolicytoappeaseme,anditdidn’tcoverrandomkidssettingfiretothebarnforthehellofit?SoIcalled,andtheguyassuredmearsoncoverageisincludedinalltheirpolicies,andthatwasthat.”
Noonespokeforaminute,andMattfeltthefogaroundhisbraindissipate,theworldrightingitself,justalittle.Yes,she’dlied.Butsohadhe.Andsomehow,findingoutaboutJanine’swrongdoingcameasarelief;iteasedhisguiltabouthisownsins,thetwodeceptionscancelingeachotherout.
Abesaid,“Sothatmeans—”
Justthen,someoneknockedandopenedthedoor.OneofAbe’sassistants.“I’msorrytointerrupt,butDetectivePierson’sbeentryingtoreachyou.HesayssomeonecalledclaimingtohavespottedElizabethWardoutside,byherself.”
“Whatdoyoumean?She’shere,withmyteam,”Shannonsaid.
“No,”theguysaid.“Piersonjusttalkedtothem,andtheysaidsheleft.Somethingaboutyougivinghermoney?”
“What?WhywouldIgivehermoney?”ShannonsaidassheandAberanout.Behindthem,thedoorcreakedclosedbeforeclickingshut.
JANINEPLACEDHERELBOWSonthetableliketripodstandsandcoveredherfacewithherhands.“OhmyGod.”
Mattopenedhismouthtosaysomething,buthedidn’tknowwhat.Helookeddownathishandsandrealized:he’dbeenclutchingthemtogether,thescarsonhispalmsslidingandpressingagainsteachother.Hethoughtofthefire,Henry’shead,Elizabethondeathrow.
“Youshouldknow,”Janinesaid,“Pakalreadypaidbacktwentythousanddollarsbeforetheexplosion,andhepromisedhe’llpaytheeightythousandbackassoonasinsurancecomesthrough.Andifthatdoesn’thappen,I’llpayyoubackfrommyretirementfund.”
Eightythousanddollars.Helookedathiswife’sface,theearnestnessinhereyesanddeepfurrowsbetweenherbrows,andhewantedtolaugh.Allthisfuckingdramaovereightyfuckingthousanddollars,which(shewasright)he’dneverevennoticedwasgone,intheaftermathoftheexplosion.Instead,henodded,said,“Allthisismakingmerethinkeverything.Ididn’tgetachancetotellAbe,butIsawPakandMaryburningsomethingtoday.Ithinkmaybecigarettes.Youknow,inthatmetaltrashcantheyhave?”
Janinelookedathim.“Youwentovertheretoday?When?Whenyousaidyouweregoingtothehospital?”
Mattnodded.“Thismorning,IrealizedIneededtotellAbeeverything,andIfiguredMarydeservedawarning.ButIgotthere,andtheywereburningstuff,anditmademewonderifmaybe…”Heshookhishead.“Anyway,Icamestraighthere,grabbedyou,and—”
“Andfuckingambushedme.Withnowarning.”
“I’msorry.Ireallyam.Ijustneededtocomeclean,andIwasafraidI’dlosemynerveifIdidn’tdoitrightaway.”
Janinedidn’tsayanything.Shejustfrownedathim,likehewasastrangerandshewastryingtofigureoutwhyhelookedfamiliar.
“Saysomething,”hefinallysaid.
“Idon’tthink,”shesaid—slowly,wordbyword,witheachsyllableseparated—“thatit’sasignofagoodmarriagethatwe’vebothbeenhidingstufffromeachotherforayear.”
“Butwetalkedaboutthis,lastnight—”
“AndIreallydon’tthinkit’sagoodsignthatevenafterwesaidwe’dtelleachothereverythinglastnight,westilldidn’t.”
Matttookadeepbreath.Shewasright.Heknewthat.“I’msorry.”
“Me,too.”Sheswallowedandcoveredherfaceagainandscrubbedhard,likeshewasrubbingoffdried-ingrime.Somethingvibratedinherpurse,andshereachedinforherphone.Shelookedatthescreenandsmiled,acrooked,tinysmileofsadnessandfatigue.
“Whatisit?”
“Fertilityclinic.Probablyconfirmingourappointment.”He’dforgotten;theyweresupposedtogoaftercourttoday,tostartinvitrofertilization.
Shestoodandwalkedtothecorner,facingit,likeakidintime-out.“Idon’tthinkweshouldgo.”
Mattnodded.“Youwanttoreschedule?Tomorrow?”
Sheleanedagainstthewall,herheadonitasifshewastooweaktoholdherselfup.“No.Idon’tknow.Ijust…Idon’tthinkIcandothisanymore.”
Hewenttoherandwrappedhisarmsaroundher.He’dbracedhimselfforherpushinghimaway,butshedidn’t,justleanedbackintohim,lettinghimspoonher.Theystoodlikethisforawhile,hisheartthuddingherback,andhefeltsomethingtingly—sadness,butpeace,too,andrelief—spreadthroughhischestandpermeatethroughtoherskin.Theyhadalotmoretalkingtodo—toeachother,thepolice,Abe,maybeajudge.Therewouldbemanymorequestionstoaskandanswer,ofeachotherandofthemselves.Andtherewouldbenofertilityclinic—nottomorrow,notnextweek.Heknewthat,couldtellinthewaytheirembracefeltlikegood-bye.Butinthemeantime,forthepresent,hesavoredthis:thetwoofthemtogether,alone,notsayinganything,notthinking,notplanning.Justbeing.
Thedooropenedbehindthem,andfootstepsrushedin.Janinejerked,likesomeonedriftingtosleepbeingstartledawake.Mattturned.Abewasgrabbinghisbriefcaseandrunningout.
“Abe?What’swrong?What’shappening?”Mattsaid.
“It’sElizabeth,”Abesaid.“Wecan’tfindheranywhere.She’sgone.”
ELIZABETH
ACARWASFOLLOWINGHER.Aboxysilversedan,thenondescripttypesheimaginedundercovercopsdrove.IthadbeenbehindherinPineburg,andshe’dtoldherselftorelax,itwasjustsomeoneleavingtownafterlunch,butwhensheturnedontoarandomroad,italsoturned.Thecarkeptitsdistance,soshecouldn’tseewhowasinit.Shetriedslowingdown,speedingup,thenslowingagain,butthecarmaintainedthesamedistance,whichseemedlikesomething,again,thatundercovercopswoulddo.Therewasaclearingahead.Shepulledoffandstopped.Ifshewascaught,sobeit,butshecouldn’tkeepthisup.Hernerveswerefrayedandfried.
Thecarslowedbutkeptcoming.Shethoughtforsureit’dstopandthewindowwouldslidedowntorevealguysinsunglassesholdingupbadges,MeninBlack–style,butitrolledby.Itwasayoungcouple,theguydrivingandthewomanstudyingamap.Theyturnedoffontoalargedrivewaymarkedbyagrapesign.
Tourists.Ofcourse.Inarentalcar,followingtheVirginiawinery-trailsigns.Sheslumpedbackandtookdeep,slowbreathstogetherhearttostopflutteringagainstherribcagethewayithadeversinceshedecidedtostealShannon’scar.Itwasaminormiracleshe’dmadeitthisfar,pastallthenearmissesalongtheway.Intheroom,whileshewastransferringShannon’skeystoherownpurse,Annahadwalkedinandshe’dhadtotellaquicklieaboutneedingtamponsandShannonhavingsaidtogetchangefromherwallet.Thankfully,Annadidn’tinsistonaccompanyinghertothebathroom,buttwoguardsweremanningthecourthousedoors,soshehadtowaitforabiggrouptoarriveandslipoutwhiletheywerecheckingbags.FindingShannon’scarwaseasy,buttherewasanattendantatthebooth.She’dforgottenshe’dhavetopay—didshehavecash?—andwhatifherecognizedherandknewshewasn’tallowedtodrive?SheputonShannon’ssunglassesandhatfromtheglovebox,pulledthevisordown,andlookedawayasshepaid,butshedefinitelyheard“Sorry,ma’am,butareyou—”asshedroveaway.
Drivingthroughtownhadbeentheworstpart.She’dplannedtotakethebackstreets,butshesawagaggleofautismmoms,sosheturnedtheotherway,whichledtothecrowdedMainStreet.ShepulledthehatdownherforeheadanddroveataGoldilocksspeed—fastenoughtoblurbyandescapenotice,butnotsofastastodrawit.Shehadtostoptwiceforpedestrians,andthesecondtime,shesawamancarryingabigbag—aphotographer?—squintinherdirection,asiftryingtomakeoutherface,andshewantedtotakeoff,butamomwassaunteringacrossthecrosswalkholdingatoddlerandpushingastroller,stoppingeverytwofeettocorrectthestrollerfromveering.Justasthemanstartedwalkingherway,thecrosswalkclearedandshetookoff,prayinghewouldn’talertanyone.
Andnowhereshewas.OutofPineburg,withnocarsaround.Shehadnoideawhereshewas,butneitherwouldanyoneelse.Shelookedatherwatch.Itwas12:46.Twentyminutessincesheleft.Longenoughforsomeonetohavenoticedherabsence.
ShesetShannon’snavigationsystemforCreekTrail,theroadbetweenI-66andMiracleCreekshe’ddrivenbackandforthalllastsummer.Itwassomewhatoutoftheway,butitwasimportanttogetonaroadsheknew.Plus,noonewouldsearchforherthere;evenifthepoliceguessedshewasheadedtoMiracleCreek,they’dfigureshe’dtakethedirectroute.
CreekTrailwasawindingcountryroad—barelytwolanesofpotholedasphaltlinedbytreessothicktheyformedaprotectivecoveringhighabove,thetreesreachingsixty,seventyfeet.Atree-tunnelrollercoaster,Henryhadcalledit.Itwasstrange,beingonthisroad.Thelasttimeshe’ddrivenherewas,ofcourse,onthedayoftheexplosion,adayjustliketoday—asunnydayfollowingtorrentialrain,withswathsofsunlightslashingthroughtheslitsinthecanopyofleavesoverheadandpoolsofmudsplashingupintotear-shapedstainsonthecarwindows.Whichmeantthatthelasttimeshe’dmadethatturn,Henryhadbeenalive.Thisthought—Henrysittingandtalkingbehindher,theirbreathscommingling,herlungstakingintheairexpelledfromHenry’s—madehergripthesteeringwheelharder,sendingherknucklesspikingup.
AbrightyellowsignwithaU-shapedarrowcameintoview,warningcarsofthehairpinturn—Henry’sfavorite—ahead.Onthemorningoftheexplosion,sufferingfromathrobbingheadache(shecouldn’tsleepaftertheCPSvisitthepreviousnight),she’dsaidrightatthisspothowmuchshehatedthisroad,howthesecurvesmadehernauseated.He’dlaughedandsaid,“Butit’sfun—it’satree-tunnelrollercoaster!”Thehighpitchofhislaughterhadpiercedhertemples,andshe’dwantedtosmackhim.She’dsaidinafrostytonehowinsensitivehewasbeing,andheshouldpracticesayingoutloud,“I’msorryyou’refeelingsick—canIdoanythingtohelp?”He’dsaid,“I’msorry,Mommy.CanIhelp?”andshe’dsaid,“No.It’s‘I’msorryyou’refeelingsick—canIdoanythingtohelp?’Tryagain.”She’dmadehimrepeatherexactwordingtwentytimesinarow,startingoverwheneverhegotevenonewordwrong,hisvoicequiveringmoreandmoreeachtimeshemadehimtryagain.
Thethingwas,therewasnothingmagicalaboutherwording,nofunctionaldifferencebetweenhiswordsandhers.She’donlywantedtotorturehim,bitbybit,aspaybackforherfrustration.Butwhy?Thatday,she’dbeenconvincedhewasstill(afterfouryearsofsocial-skillstherapy!)notreadingsocialcues.Buthere,awayfromthemoment,awayfromhim,itoccurredtoherhowshecouldaseasilyhaveinterpretedhislaughterashimtryingtoliftherspiritsorjustbeingplayful,likeanynormaleight-year-oldboydealingwithhiscrabbymom.Infact,hislabelingtheroada“tree-tunnelrollercoaster”hadbeendownrightcreative—whyhadn’tsheseenthat?Wasitpossiblethateverythingshe’dregardedasaremnantofautismwasnothingmorethantheimmaturityinherentinkids,thekindthatmotherscouldfindeitherannoyingoradorabledependingontheirmood,exceptthatElizabeth—becauseofHenry’shistory,becauseshewassodamnedtiredallthetime—foundeverythinghedidirritating?
Asquirrelranout,andsheveered,easilyavoidingit.Shewasusedtocrittershere—she’dseenatleastoneadaylastsummer.Infact,adeeraroundthisspotwaswhathadpromptedherdecisiontoquitHBOTonlyhoursbeforetheexplosion.She’dbeendrivinghomeafterthemorningdive,distractedwiththoughtsabouttheprotesters’threatsandherfightwithKitt,andshesawthedeertoolateandbrakedofftheroadintoarock,messingupthecar’salignment.Hercarfeltwobbly,andaftershedroppedoffHenryatcamp,shetriedtofigureoutwhenshehadtimetotakethecarin,especiallysinceshe’dspenttwohoursresearchingHBOTfiresfromtheprotesters’flyerbeforeconcludingthatPak’srules(all-cottonclothing,nopaper,nometals)weresufficienttopreventsimilaraccidents.Shehadlookedupatherscheduleonthewallforthatday:
7:30
LeaveforHBOT(Hbreakfastincar)
9–10:15
HBOT
11–3
Camp(getgroceries,makedinnerforH)
3:15–4:15
Speech
4:30–5
Eye-trackingexercises
5–5:30
EmotionIDhomework
5:30
LeaveforHBOT(Hdinnerincar)
6:45–8:15
HBOT
9–9:45
Home,sauna,shower
Lookingforabreakintheschedule,itoccurredtoherforthefirsttimehowexhaustingthismustbeforHenry,evenmorethanforher.Shecouldn’trememberthelasttimehe’dactuallyeatenatatable,notinthecaronthewaytoorfromonetherapyoranother.EverythingfromspeechandOTtointeractivemetronomeandneurofeedback:everywakinghourpackedwithpracticingspeechfluency,handwriting,sustainedeyecontact—nonstopworkonthingsthatwerehardforhim.Henrynevercomplained,though.Justdidwhathewastold,makingprogressdaybyday.Andshe’dneverseenhowamazingthatwasforakidbecauseshe’dbeentoobusyseethingwithself-pityandresentmentathimfornotbeingthechildshe’dwanted:aneasygoingkidwholovedcuddling,withgoodgradesandfriendsconstantlycallingforplaydates.She’dblamedHenryforhavingautism,forthecryingandresearchinganddrivingthatcamewithit.Andthehurting.
Shelookedupagainandimaginedtomorrow’sschedulewithnothingbut9:30–3:30Camponit.Adaywithnorushing,norunninglate,noyellingatHenrytoplease,fortheloveofGod,stopbeingspaceyandmovefaster.Adaywhenshecoulddonothingforanhour,maybenaporwatchTV,andmoreimportant,whenHenrycouldplaygamesorrideabike.Wasn’tthatwhattheprotestersandKittweresayingheneeded?ShewroteonhernotepadNOMOREHBOT!andunderlineditsohardthepenbrokethroughthepaper.Circlingthosewords,shefelteveryorganinherbodybecomebuoyed,suspendedinagloriousweightlessstate,andsheknew:sheneededtostop.Stopthetherapies,thetreatments,alltherunningaround.Stopthehating,theblaming,thehurting.
Therestoftheafternoon,shespentingiddiness.ShecalledHenry’sspeechtherapistandcanceledthatday’ssession(andabonus:she’dcalledintimetoavoidthetwo-hour-noticepenaltyfee).ShepickedupHenryattheregularcampdismissaltimewiththeotherkidsformaybethethirdtimeever.Theycamestraighthome,andinsteadofcoachinghimthroughvision-therapyandsocial-skillshomework,shelethimplopdownonthesofawithabowloforganiccoconut-milkicecreamandwatchwhatevershowhewanted(withinreason:DiscoveryandNationalGeographicchannelsonly)whileshelookedupcancellationpoliciesonthewebsitesofallthetherapistshewentto—thereweresomany!—andsente-mailaftere-mailgivingtherequirednotice.
MiracleSubmarinewastheonlyproblem.She’dgottenadiscountforprepayingforfortydivesupfront,andPak’s“RegulationsandPolicies”documentsaidnothingaboutrefunds.What’smore,therewasafullpenaltyforsame-daycancellations.Ahundredbucks,downthedrain.Shehatedthat(wastingmoneywasherpetpeeve).Itwasn’tenoughtochangehermind,butitrankledher,deflatedherbubbleofexcitementaboutherstop-everythingdecision,whichwaswhatledtoMistake#1,thefirstintheseriesofherdecisionsandactionsthatledtoHenry’sdeath:callingPak(insteadofe-mailing)totrytoworkoutadeal,maybebyfindingsomeonetotakeovertheircontractforatleastapartialrefund.Strangely,though,whenshecalledthebarnphone,nooneansweredandtheusualansweringmachinedidn’tpickup.ShehungupandwasabouttotryPak’scellwhenherphonerang.
Ifshe’dlookedatcallerID,shewouldn’thaveanswered.Butshedidn’t(Mistake#2).SheassumeditwasPakreturninghermissedcallandanswered,“Hey,Pak,I’msogladIcaughtyou.I’m—”atwhichpointKittinterruptedandsaid,“Elizabeth,it’sme.Listen—”atwhichpointshesaid,“Kitt,Ireallycan’ttalkrightnow,”andwenttohangupbutKittsaid,“Wait,please.Iknowyou’remad,butitwasn’tme.Ididn’tcallCPS.Iknowyoudon’tbelieveme,soIspentalldayonlineandcallingpeople,andIfoundout.Iknowwhoitis.”
Elizabeththoughtaboutpretendingnottohaveheardandhangingup,buthercuriositygotthebetterofher,so—Mistake#3—shestayedonthelineandlistenedtoKittgoonandonabouthowshecross-referencedeveryautismchatboardandmanagedtofindaprotesterwhodisapprovedofthegroup’sgrowingmilitancyandhowshegotherpasswordtotheirmessageboardand,voilà,thereitwas,atreasuretroveofthreadsbyProudAutismMomcomplainingaboutElizabeth’sdangerous“so-calledtreatments,”planningprotestsatMiracleSubmarineand,finally,thesmokinggun,braggingabouthercalltoCPSlastweek.
Elizabethlistenedtoitall,didn’tsayaword,andwhenKittfinished,curtlythankedher,hungup,andwentbacktothespecialtreatshe’dbeenmakingfordinner,Henry’sfavorite—“pizza”withfake“cheese”(gratedcauliflower)onhomemadecoconut-flourcrust.Butputtingasliceonthefancychinashe’dlaidoutfortheirsit-downdinner,herhandsshookwithanger,withhatred.Sheknewthatwomanhatedher.Butanentiregrouptalkingaboutherbehindherbackandplanningtobringherdown—itburnedher.Humiliatedher.Shepicturedthatsilver-hairedwomanspewingvenom,reportingher“abuse”toCPS,notcaringhowthatmightruinherlifeorHenry’s,gloatingthatshe’dstopElizabethnomatterwhat.WhatwouldthatwomanthinkwhenElizabethdidn’tshowuptonight?Wouldshebringoutthechampagne?Popthecorkandtoasttothegroup’ssuccessinslayinganevilchildabuser?
No.Shecouldn’tnotshowuptonight.Shecouldn’tletthathateful,smug,so-calledProudAutismMomthinkthatshe’dwon.Shecouldn’tgivethatbullythesatisfactionofthinkingshe’dbeenshamedintohiding.Anditwasmorethanthat.NowthatthecallwithKitthadpoppedherbubbleofimpulsivityforgoodandshewasnolongergiddy,shecouldsee:hercancelingeverythingleftandrightonamoment’swhim,withoutconsultinganyofHenry’steachers—itwasrash,irresponsible,downrightcocky.AndcancelingHBOTtonight,withnowayofgettinganymoneyback—whatsensedidthatmake?Itwasn’tasifHBOTwasharmful.Sinceshe’dalreadypaidthehundredbucks,whynotdoonemoredive?Finishouttheday,endurethedrivingonemoretime,which,knowingitwasherlast,mightheightenheranticipationandbringclosure.Shecouldevensitoutthedive,asktheotherstosupervise—Kitthaddonethatoncewhenshewassick—andgotothecreektoreallymullthingsoverintotalpeaceandmakesureshewasmakingtherightdecision.Andbestofall,she’dpassbythatsilver-hairedwoman.She’dtellhersheknewallaboutherplans,theCPScall,andifshedidn’tstop,she’dfileacomplaintagainstherforharassment.
Elizabethlookedattheplacesettingfortwoalreadyonthetable,thecrystalglassnexttothechilledwine,andslidtheservingspatulaunderthepizzasliceonHenry’splate.Forthenextyear,everynightwhenshelaydownforsleeporsometimeswhenshewokeupinthemorning,she’dclosehereyesandvisualizeaparallel-worldversionofherselfdoingwhatsheshould’vedoneinthismoment:shakeherhead,scoldherselfnottoletthisstupidwomanshe’dneverseeagainaffecthersomuch,leavethepizzaontheplate,andcallHenrytodinner.Inthisalternateuniverse,afterdinnerandwineathome,she’dbecurlingupwithHenryonthesofamarathon-watchingPlanetEarthwhenTeresawouldcallaboutthefire,andshe’dcryforherfriendsandkissHenry’sheadandthankGodshe’ddecidedtostop—andjusttoday!—andmonthslater,drivingbackfromRuthWeiss’smurdertrial,she’dshuddertothinkhowshealmostwenttothatlastdivejusttospitethatwoman.
Butinthisreality,theoneshewasstuckin,shedidn’tleavethepizzaontheplate.Shekeptitonthespatulaand—Mistake#4,theBiggestMistake,theirrevocableactthatsealedHenry’sfate,whichshe’dregretandreliveeverydayofherlife,everyhourofeveryday,everyminuteofeveryhour,overandoverforaslongasshelived—sheliftedthepizzaoffthefancyplateandmovedittoapaperplateforthecarandcalledout,“Henry,putyourshoeson.We’regoingforonelastsubmarineride.”Throwingeverythinginthecar,shefeltapang,thinkingofthebeautifultablesettings,thelightssparklingoffthecrystals,andshewastemptedtoturnaroundrightthereandgoinside,butthatwoman’ssmugsmileandstupidsilverbobpoppedupinhermind,tauntingher,andshedidn’t.Sheswallowed,toldHenrytohurry,andtriedtothinkoftomorrow.Tomorrow,everythingwouldchange.
Inthemeantime,though,shetriedtomakeupforit.Shebroughtwineandchocolatestohavebythecreek—she’dbetooexhaustedby9:30whenshegothomeforherplannedcelebratorydrink,andshe’dbedamnedifsheletthosedespicableprotestersruineverything.Sheusuallydidn’tletHenrywatchBarney—“junkfoodforyourbrain,”shesaid,andalwayshadhimsitawayfromtheDVD-screenporthole—butasatreat,shearrangedforHenrytositbyTJandwatchit.SheaskedMatttohelpHenry,butMattseemedannoyedandshedidn’twanttoimposetoomuch,soshecrawledinandseteverythingup,hookinguphisoxygenhosetothespigotandputtingonhishelmet.ShetoldHenrytobegood,andshewantedtokisshischeekandtouslehishair,buthishelmetwasalreadyon,soshecrawledoutandwalkedaway.ThatwasthelasttimeshesawHenryalive
Tenminuteslater,sittingbythecreekandfinallysippingwine,shethoughtofHenry’sreactionwhenshesaidshewassittingoutthisdive.Hewasinthehelmethehated—hegaggedandsaidtheringaroundhisneckchokedhim—andyethiswholefacerelaxed.Hewashappy.Relieved.Tobefreeforanhourfromher,themotherwhowasneversatisfied,themotherwhoconstantlynagged.Shegulpedmorewine,feltthecoolaciditystingthensootheherroughenedthroat,andshethoughthowshewantedtoripthathelmetoffassoonashecameout,howshe’dwrapherarmsaroundhimandtellhimshelovedhimandshemissedhim,andshe’dlaughandsayyes,sheknewitwassillytomisshimwhentheywereapartforjustanhour,butshestilldid.
Alcoholgushedthroughherarteries,infusingherporeswithwarmth,herfingerstinglingasifthawingfromtheinside,andshelookedupatthesky,darkeningintoaduskyviolet.Hereyesfocusedonapuffycottonballofacloud,aperfectwhitelikewhippedfrosting,andshethoughthowtomorrow,shecouldbakecupcakesforbreakfast.WhenHenryaskedwhatthatwasfor,she’dlaughandsaytheywerecelebrating.She’dsaysheknewshedidn’tshowitoften,maybeever,butshetreasuredhim,adoredhim,anditwasthatloveandtheaccompanyingworrythatmadehersocrazy,andthey’dhaveanewlifewithmuchlesscraziness.Notaperfectlife,becausenothingandnobodycouldbeperfect,butthatwasokaybecauseshehadhimandhehadher.Andmaybeshe’dtakefrostinginherfingeranddabitonhisnosetobesilly,andhe’dsmile—thathuge,little-kidsmileofhiswiththegapinhistopteeth,justasliverofwhitewherethenewtoothwasgrowingin—andshe’dkisshischeek,notjustpeckbutreallysquishherlipsintohispuffycheekandsqueezehiminherarmsandsavorthedeliciousnessforaslongashe’dlether.
NONEOFTHAThappened,ofcourse.Nocupcake,nokisses,nonewtooth.Instead,sheidentifiedherson’scorpse,pickedoutacoffinandgravestone,wasarrestedforhismurder,readop-edsdebatingwhethershebelongedinanuthouseorondeathrow,andnowshewasdrivingastolencartowardthetownwherehe’dbeenburnedalivebecauseofher.
Thatwasthecrazything,thatitwasshe—withherprideandhatredandindecisionandmiserliness—who’dcausedHenry’sdeath.Hadshereallythoughtshecouldclaimvictoryovertheprotestersbyreturningforonemoredive?Andtheno-refundhundreddollarsshe’dprepaid—hadhersonreallydiedoverahundredbucks?Andwhenshegotthereandfoundouttheprotestersweren’tthereanymore,andwhat’smore,thesessionsweredelayedandtherewasnoAC,whyhadn’tsheleftrightthen?Andlaterstill,whenshefoundthecigarettesandmatches—Smoking!Nearpureoxygen!—sheshould’veimmediatelythoughtoffire.Wasitthealcoholshe’dalreadyhad,orthegiddinessoftriumphindiscoveringthattheprotesterswerelockedup?She’dwarnedPakearlierhowdangerousthosewomenwere,sowhydidsheassumethemostthey’ddowasstartafirewheneveryonewasgone?Whydidsheunderestimatethelengthstowhichtheymightgofortheircause?
Elizabethpulledoverandstopped.Noneofitmattered.Therewasnoparalleluniversetoteleportto,notimemachinetotakeherback.Allthisweek,whenthingsgottoobleakandshewantedeverythingtoend,she’dtriedtokeepherselfgoingwiththoughtsofvengeanceforHenry,withtheanticipationofseeingShannontakedownthatvilewoman,RuthWeiss.NowthatShannonwasrefusingtogoaftertheprotesters,whatwaslefttohopefor?
ShepressedthebuttonthatputthetopdownonShannon’scar.Itwasfunny—backinthecourthouse,she’dwishedshehadherowncar,butnowsherealizedhowmuchbetteraconvertiblewouldbe.Lessriskofanythinggoingwrong.Shethoughtit’dbecoolerhere,inthehigherelevationofthehillsthatdividedMiracleCreekfromPineburg,butthehumidityovertookherquicklywiththetopdown.Sheunlatchedherseatbeltanddebatedwhethertomoveherseatforwardorback;ontheonehand,movingtooclosetotheairbagwasdangerous,butontheotherhand,sittingtoofarbackheightenedthechanceoffallingoutinacrash.Shedecidedtokeepherseatwhereitwasandpulledtheseatbeltbackon—shehatedthedingingnoisecarsmadewhenseatbeltswereoff.
Itwasalldone,itwastimetogo,butshehesitated.Thereweresomanythingsshehadn’tconsidered.Whatifthisdidn’twork?Orwhatifitdid,andShannonkeptontryingtoclearhernameandbroughtupthathorribleinsinuationaboutVictorandthescratches?WhatifAbedecidedtogoafterPakinherabsence?Shouldshe—
Elizabethshuthereyestightandshookherhead.Sheneededtostopthisnonsenseandeffingactalready.Thefactwas,shewasacoward.Shewasaninhibitedballofindecisionwhodidn’ttrustherinstinctsandhidhercowardiceunderaguiseofdeliberation.ThiswastherealreasonHenrywasdead:sheknewsheshouldstopHBOTbutshewasafraidto,andshewaitedasalwaystomakesureshedidn’tforgetanything,makeherstupidpro/conlist,thinkofeverycontingency.Shehurtherownson,abusedhimandmadehimbelieveshehatedhim,andforcedhimintoachambertoburnwhileshesippedwineandpoppedbonbonsinhermouth.Itwastimetounpauseherplananddowhatsheknewshehadtodo,whatshe’dknownforthelastyearshehadtodo,withnoprosorcons,noanalysis,nohesitation.
Elizabethclutchedthesteeringwheelandstarteddriving.Herfingerspulsedagainsttheleatherassheturnedtokeepthecarfromveeringintotheguardrailandtreesliningtheroad.ThebrightyellowCAUTIONsigncameintoview,whichmeantthespotwasjustupahead.Thefirsttimeshedrovebyit,she’dfeltthatstrangepull,likewhenyoustandnearacliff’sedgeandhavetheurgetojump.She’dseenthecurve,thesuddenclearingoftrees,theguardrailcrumpledandbentdown,almostlikearampintoemptyspace,andshe’dthoughthoweasyit’dbetoletgo,justgostraightandflyintothesky.
Shesloweddowntoturnwiththeroad,andsawitstraightahead.Shewasafraidthey’dhavefixeditbynow,butitwasstillthere.Thebentspotintheguardrail.Thegraymetalcrushedflatlikearamp.Abrightbeamofsunhititlikeaspotlight,asifsummoningher,wooingher.Shepressedthebuttontounbuckleherseatbelt,andshefeltherheartpoundinginherwrists,ontheundersidesofherknees,againstherskull.Shepushedtheaccelerator,allthewaydown.Shesawitthen.Beyondthecurve,aroundfluffycloudwithadarkspotinthemiddle,liketheoneshe’dpointedouttoHenrylastsummerandhe’dlaughedandsaid,“Itlookslikemymouth,withmymissingtooth!”andshe’dlaughedback,amazed—hewasright,itdidlooklikehismouth—andliftedhimupintheair,hugginghimtightandkissingthedimpleonhischeek.
Infrontofthecloud,theheatandsunlightcreatedundulatingwavesintheair.Likeaninvisiblecurtaininthesky—invitingher,welcomingher,toflight,tofire.Sheleanedforward,andasthetiresthunkedontotheflattenedguardrail,shesawthebright,beautifulvalleybelow,shimmeringinthesunlight,likeamirage.
PAK
HEHATEDWAITING.Whetherforthewatertoboilorameetingtostart,waitingmeantbeingdependentonsomethingoutsidehiscontrol,andrarelyhadthatbeenastrueastoday,beingstuckathomewithnocar,nophone,andnoideawhereYoungwas.AfterheandMaryfinishedburningeverything,therewasnothingtodo,sothey’dsat,waitinganddrinkingbarleytea.Orrather,hehad.Maryhadpouredherselfsome,too,butshehadn’tdrunkany.ShestaredatthemugasifataTVscreen,blowingonceinawhile,makingripplesintheamberliquid,andhethoughtaboutsayingitwasn’thot,hadn’tbeenforanhour,buthesaidnothing.Heunderstoodherneedtobreaktheoppressivenessofwaiting,justwaiting,andhewishedhecouldpace.Thatwasthething—oneofthemanythings—aboutbeingparalyzed:youcouldn’texactlywheelyourselfbackandforthtosatisfytheachycravingformotionyougotduringstiflingperiodsofstillnesslikethis.
WhenYoungfinallywalkedinat2:30,asurgeofreliefengulfedhim.Reliefthatshe’dreturned,andalone,notwiththepolice.(He’dtoldMarynottobeafraid,Youngwouldneverreportthem,butatthesightofher,herealizedhehadn’tbeenquitesureofthat.)“Yuh-bo,wherehaveyoubeen?”hesaid.
Shedidn’tanswerhim,didn’tevenlookathim,justsatwithacoldsteadinessthatsentpanictinglinginhischest.
“Yuh-bo,”hesaid,“we’vebeenworried.Didyouseeanyone?Talktoanyone?”
Shelookedathimthen.Ifshe’dlookedhurtorscared,hecould’vedealtwiththat.Ifshe’dyelled,furiousandhysterical—that,he’dpreparedfor.Butthiswomanwithablankfacelikeamannequin—herfeaturesaustere,hermouthunmoving—wasnothiswifeoftwentyyears.Itscaredhim,seeingthisfaceheknewsowellandyetdidn’trecognize.
“Tellmeeverything,”shesaid,hervoicelikeherface:flat,withnoneofthesingsongup-and-downofemotionthat,nowitwasgone,herealizedformeditsessence.
Heswallowedandforcedcomposureintohisvoice.“Youalreadyknoweverything.YouoverheardmetellingMarybeforeyouranoff.Wheredidyougo?”
Youngdidn’tanswer,didn’tseemtoevenhearhisquestion.Shefixedhereyesonhis,andhefeltheat,likealaserbeamcuttingintohiseyes,hisbrain.“Youneedtolookmeintheeyeandtellmeeverything.Thetruththistime.”
Hewashopingshe’dtalkfirst,thatshe’dunloadherangerbysayingexactlywhatshe’dheard,sohecouldtailorhisstory.Butitwasclear.Shewasn’tgoingtotalk.Henoddedandputhishandsonthetable—thesamespotwhere,justlastnight,she’dthrownthebagfromtheshedandhe’dbeenforcedtocreateplausible-soundingstoriesonthespot.Afterthismorning,shehadtobethinkingthosewerealllies.Hehadtostartthere.
“Iliedlastnight,”hesaid.“TheSeoullistingsweren’tformybrother.Itwasforus,tomovetoafterthefire.I’msorryIlied.Iwantedtoprotectyou.”
Heexpectedhertosoftenatthisshowofvulnerabilityandatonement.Butifanything,hereyeshardened,herpupilscontractingintopinpointsofpureblack,makinghimfeellikeacriminal.Heremindedhimselfthatthiswashisgoal,forhertobelievehewasthevillain,andcontinuedwiththemixoftruthandlieshe’ddecidedon.HesaidhecalledaRealtorandrealizedtheycouldn’taffordtomoveback.Hesaidhedecidedonarsontogettheneededmoneyandcalled(onsomeoneelse’sphone,incaseofaninvestigation)toverifythearsonprovision.
Thepartabouttheprotesterswaseasier—truthalwayswas—andhetoldheraboutthatday:hisfrustrationwiththepolicefordoingnothing,leadingtohisballoonpower-outageplan;histemporaryreliefafteritssuccess,butthatwomancallingandthreateningtoreturnandcausemoretrouble;hisdecisiontoplantacigaretteexactlywheretheirflyersaid,toframethemandgetthemintorealtroublesothey’dstayawayforgood.
Afewtimes,hetriedtocatchMary’seyestowarnhernottocontradicthim,buthergazewasstillfixedonthefullteamug.Whenhewasdonetalking,therewasalongsilencebeforeYoungsaid,“There’snothingyouleftout?That’sreallythewholetruth?”Herfacewascomposed,buttherewaspleadinginhervoice,acoreofsadnesswrappedbydesperatehope,andhewishedhecouldsayofcoursenot,sheknewhim,knewhewasn’tamanwho’dendangerpeople’slivesformoney.
Buthedidn’t.Somethingsweremoreimportantthanhonesty,evenwithyourwife.Hesaid,“Yes,it’sthewholetruth,”andtoldhimselfitwasforherowngood.Ifsheknewtherealtruth,theentiretruth,thatwoulddevastateher.Hehadtoprotecther.Thatwashisjob,hishighestduty,asheadofthefamily:protecthisfamily,nomatterwhat.Evenifthatmeanthavingthewomanhelovedconsiderhimacallouscriminal.Besides,hewasresponsible.He’dcreatedtheplantoframetheprotestersforattemptedarson.Thatday,ashelitthecigarette,watchingthesmokeswirlupfromtheredtip,hishearthadthuddedwildly,nervously,picturingpureoxygenflowingmerecentimetersaway,buthe’dstillgoneahead,surehe’dthoughtofeverythingandnothingwouldgowrong.Hubris.Theworstsin.
Youngblinked—rapidly,asiftryingnottocry—andsaid,“Soitwasallyou?Youdideverythingwithnohelp,noinvolvementfromanyoneelse?”
HeforcedhimselftokeephiseyesfocusedonYoung.“Yes.Nooneelseknew.IknewwhatIwasdoingwasdangerous,andIdidn’twantanyoneinvolved.Everything,Ididalone.”
“YoutookMatt’sphoneandcalledtheinsurancecompany?”
“Yes,”hesaid.
“YoucalledtheRealtoraboutSeoul?”
“Yes.”
“Youhidthelistingsintheshed?”
Henodded.
“YouboughtCamelsandhidtheminthetincase?”
Paknodded,keptnoddingasthequestionskeptcomingwithshorterpausesbetween,feelinglikeoneofthosebobbleheaddolls.Itmadehimnervous,heraskingonlyaboutthethingshe’dliedabout.Andaskingleadingquestions,likeShannonincourt—wasshegoadinghimintoatrap?
“Andyoumeantforthecigarettetoactuallystartafire?Youwerereallytryingtogetinsurance,notjustgettheprotestersintrouble?”
Hefeltdizzy,likehe’dfallenunderwaterandhecouldn’tfigureoutwhichwaywasup.“Yes,”hemanagedtosay.Softly.Barelyaudible,eventohim.
Youngclosedhereyes,herfacepaleandstill,andhethoughtofacorpse.Withoutopeninghereyes,shesaid,“Icamebackjustnow,thinkingmaybe,justmaybe,you’dbehonestwithme.That’swhyIdidn’ttellyouwhatIfoundout.Iwantedtogiveyouachancetotellmeyourself.Idon’tknowwhethertobeimpressedorupsetthatyou’veputsomucheffortintomakingupsuchacomplicatedstorytodeceiveme.”
Alltheairseemedtogooutoftheroom.Hebreathedinandtriedtothink.Whatdidshefindout?Whatcouldsheknow?Shewasbluffing,hadtobe.Shehadsuspicions,thatwasall,andheneededtomaintainhisstance.Silenceanddenial.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.I’veconfessedeverything.Whatmoredoyouwantfromme?”
Sheopenedhereyes.Slowly,asiftheywereheavycurtainsbeingraisedonemillimeteratatimefordramaticeffect.Shelookedathim.“Thetruth,”shesaid.“Iwantthetruth.”
“I’vegivenyouthetruth.”Hetriedtosoundindignant,buthiswordssoundedweakanddistant,asifsomeonesaidthemfaraway,andwhatcamethroughhislipswasanecho.
Youngnarrowedhereyes,asiftryingtodecidesomething.Finally,shesaid,“Abefoundthepersonwhotooktheinsurancecall.”
Pakfeltburninginhiseyes,andhefoughthisneedtoblink,tolookaway.
“ThecallerspokeperfectEnglish,noaccent.Itcouldn’thavebeenyou.”
Thoughtswhirredinpanickyspeed,butheforcedhimselftostaycalm.Denial.Hehadtosticktothat.“Obviously,thisperson’swrong.Youcan’texpectsomeoneonhundredsofcallsadaytorememberallthevoicesayearlater.”
Youngputsomethingonthetable.“IwenttoseetheRealtor,fromtheSeoullistings.Sherememberedthemverywell.Shesaidit’sunusualforpeopletomovebacktoKorea,andevenmoreunusualforayounggirltobecalling.”
PakforcedhimselftokeephiseyesonYoung,tointensifytheindignationinhisvoice.“That’swhyyouthinkI’mlying?Afewstrangersmisrememberingvoicesfromayearago?”
Youngdidn’tanswer,didn’traisehervoicetomatchhis.Inthatsamegratinglycalmtone,shesaid,“Lastnight,whenIshowedyouthelistings,youlookedsosurprised.IthoughtyouweresurprisedI’dfoundyourhidingplace,butthatwasn’tit.You’dneverseenthoselistingsbefore.”Pakshookhishead,butshekepttalking.“Andthetincase,too.”
“Now,youknowthatwasmine.YouhandedittomeyourselfinBaltimore,andI—”
“AndyouputitwiththerestofthepilefortheKangsandgaveittoMarytodeliver.”Pakfeltfearinhisbowels,crawlingandgnawing.He’dnevertoldherthat.Howdidsheknow?
Asifinanswer,shesaid,“Icalledthemtoday.Mr.KangrememberedMarydroppingeverythingoffandsaidhowfortunatewearetohavesuchahelpfuldaughter.”YoungglancedatMary.“Ofcourse,theydidn’tknowshekeptthetincasewiththecigarettesforherself.Noonedid.Untillastnight,youthoughtthatcasewasinBaltimore.”
Bittersalivaslithereduphisthroat,andheswallowed.“IdidgiveMarythepilefortheKangs,that’strue.ButItookoutthecasefirst.I’mtheonewhoputitintheshed.”
“That’snottrue,”Youngsaidwithanabsolutecertaintythatchurnedhisstomach.Ifshewasbluffing,shewasgivingtheperformanceofherlife.Buthowcouldsheknow,withnodoubts?Hesaid,“Youdon’tknowthat.You’reguessing,andyou’rewrong.”
YoungturnedtoMary.“Teresaheardyoutalkingonthephoneintheshed.”Marykeptstaringatthetea,grippingthemugsotightlyhethoughtitmightbreak.“Iknowyousentthelistingstoafriend’shouse.Iknowyouusedyourfather’sATMcard.Iknowyouhideverythinginthebottomboxintheshed.”YoungshiftedhergazetoPak.“Iknow,”shesaid.
Hewantedtokeepdenying,buttoomanyspecificswerepilingup.Hehadtoadmitsomethings,maintaincredibility.“Allright,thelistingswerehers.ShewantedtomovebacktoSeoul,andshegotthemtoshowme.Sonowshe’sfeelingguilty,likethatcausedeverything,whenI’mtheonewhocameupwiththearsonplan.SoIwantedtotaketheblameforeverything,trytoremoveherfromthiscompletely.Canyouunderstandthat?”
“Iunderstandwantingtotakealltheblame,butyoucan’t.Iknowyou.You’dneverstartafirearoundyourpatients,nomatterhowsmallorcontained.You’retoocareful.”
Hehadtokeeptalkingtokeepherfromsayingthewordshewasterrifiedshe’dsay.“Iwishyouwereright,butIdiddoit.Youhavetoacceptthat.Idon’tknowwhatyouthinkreallyhappened,butyouseemtothinkMarywasinvolvedsomehow.Butyouheardmeconfessingtoherthismorning,howshockedshewas.Wedidn’tknowyouwerethere.Weweren’tstagingourconversation.”
“No,Idon’tthinkyouwere.Ibelieveyouweretellingherthetruth.”
“SoyouknowIdideverything.Thecigarette,matches,Imean,whatmore—”
“Ithoughtaboutit.Alot,”Youngsaid.“Everythingyousaidyoudid,overandover.Pickingthespot,gatheringsticks,buildingthemound,puttingthematchesin,thecigaretteontop—somuchdetailabouteveryaspectofsettingthefire.Exceptonething.”
Hedidn’tsayanything,couldn’t.Couldn’tbreathe.
“Themostimportantthing.AndIkeptthinking,whywouldheleavethatout?”
Heshookhishead.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“I’mtalkingaboutactuallystartingthefire.”
“OfcourseIdid.Ilitthecigarette,”hesaid,butthefamiliarmemoryrushedtohim.Hispanicthatnightwhentheprotesterscalled,tauntinghimthatthey’dbebackandtheywouldn’tstop.Seeingtheirflyerandgettingtheideatomakeitlookliketheytriedtoburndownhisbusiness.Rememberingthathollowtreestumpinthewoodshe’dcomeacross,theusedcigarettesandmatcheshe’dseenthere.Runningtoit,retrievingthefullestmatchbookandlongestcigaretteamongthediscardedbunch.Buildingthemound.Lightingthecigarette,lettingitburnforaminute.Thenputtinghisglovedfingeronthetip,puttingitout.
Asifshecouldseeintohismind,Youngsaid,“Youlititbutyouputitout.Youwantedthepolicetofinditjustlikethat—makeitlookliketheprotesterstriedtostartafirebutthecigarettewentouttooearlyanditfailed.Youdidn’tstartthefire.Youneverintendedto.”
Hefeltfear—sohotitfeltcold—unfurlacrosshisbodyinstrands,overtakingit.“Thatmakesnosense.WhywouldIconfesstodoingsomethingIdidn’tdo?”
“Asadecoy,”shesaid.“Tokeepmyfocusawayfromwhereyou’reafraiditmightgoifIkeepdigging.”
Hebreathed.Swallowed.
“Iknowthetruth,”shesaid.Soquietlyhestrainedtohear.“Havethedecencytobehonestwithme.Don’tmakemesayit.”
“Whatdoyouknow?”hesaid.“Whatdoyouthinkyouknow?”
YoungblinkedandturnedtowardMary.Hercomposurebrokethen,herfacegrimacedinpain.Hehadn’tbeensureuntilthatmoment.Butthewayshelookedattheirdaughter—sotenderly,withallthesadnessoftheworld—heknew.She’dfiguredeverythingout.
Beforehecoulddoanything,beforehecouldtellhertostop,don’tsayanything,don’tsaythosedevastatingwordsandmakethemreal,YoungreachedouttoMary’sfaceandbrushedawayhertears.Gently,delicately,likeshewasironingsilk.
“Iknowitwasyou,”hiswifesaidtotheirdaughter.“Iknowyousetthefire.”
MARY
AT8:07P.M.ONAUGUST26,2008,eighteenminutesbeforetheexplosion,Marywasleaningagainstaweepingwillowafterhavingrunforaminutestraightthroughthewoods.AfterJaninethrewcigarettes,matches,andacrumplednoteather,Maryhadsaidinthecalmesttoneshecouldmanage,“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,”pivotedawayfromher,andwalkedintheoppositedirection.Onefoot,thentheother,focusingonkeepingherpacesteady,fightingherinstincttorunandscream—forcinghernailsintoherpalmsandpressinghertonguebetweenherteeth,applyingmoreandmorepressureuntiljusttothatpointofbreakingthroughanddrawingblood.Afterfiftysteps(she’dcounted),shecouldnolongerstanditandstartedrunning,thefastestshecould—musclesburninginhercalves,tearsblurringhervision—untilshefeltdizzyandherlegswentrubbery,andshecrumpledagainstthetreeandcried.
Whore,Janinehadcalledher.Stalkingslut.“Youcanbatyoureyesandtwirlyourhairandactlikesomeinnocentgirl,butlet’sbehonest,webothknowwhatyouweredoing,”she’dsaid.Sittinghere,awayfromJanine—therolemodelherfatherhadinvokedaswhosheshouldaspiretobe,whyhe’dwantedhereducatedinAmerica—itwassoeasytothinkofeverythingshecould,should,havesaid.ItwasMattwhobroughtcigarettesandgotthemsmoking.Mattwhostartedwritingnotestomeetup.Andyes,she’dbeenlonelyhereandgratefulforhiscompany,butseduce?Steal?Thismanwho’dpretendedtobeacaringfriendbeforeexposinghistruemotives,whoheldherdownandpushedhistongueintohermouthasshetriedtoscreamout,whogotontopofherandforcedherhandinsidehispants,wrappingitaroundhimselfsohardithurt,usingitlikeanobjecttopumpupanddown,upanddown?
Butshedidn’tsayanything.Juststoodthere,listeningtoJanine’suglywords,lettingthempenetrateherskinandburrowintoherbrain,spreadingtheirtendrilsandtakingroot.Andnow,evenasshetoldherselfthatJaninewaswrong,thatMattwastheoneatfaulthereandshethevictim,avoiceinsideherwhispered,hadn’tshelikedtheattention?Hadn’tshenoticedhimstaringfromtimetotimeandfeltthesatisfactionofknowingshewasdesirable,perhapsevenmoresothanJanine?Andonherbirthday,hadn’tshewornasexyoutfit,askedhimtodrinkwithher,andwhenhestartedkissingher—softly,romantically,exactlyhowshe’dimaginedherfirstrealkissshouldbe—hadn’tshekissedhimback,andforamoment,beforethenight’sdarkturn,hadn’tsheimaginedafairy-taleendingwithflashesofIloveyou,peeringintoeyes,andothercringe-inducingclichésshecouldn’tbeartothinkaboutnow?
She’dthoughtthehumiliationofherbirthdaynighthadkilledthatpatheticallyna?vehope,butMatt’sweeklongcampaignofwritingmultipledailynotesandfollowinghertoSATclasshadsomehowrevivedit.She’dagreedtomeethim,andaftersneakinginchugsofherfather’sricegrainalcoholforcourageandwalkingtothecreek,therehadbeenamicrosecondwhenapartofher—thetiniestspeckinanauseatinglyDisney-fiedsubsectionofherbrain—hadpicturedMattstandingbythecreek,waitingtodeclarelove,toconfesshisdesperateinabilitytolivewithouther,toexplainhisbehavioronherbirthdaynightasanever-to-be-repeatedmomentofinsanitydrivenbyinebriationmixedwithpassion.Rightthen,withthesojusloshinginherstomach,herheartthumpinginanticipation—that’swhenshe’dseenJanine.Theshockofthatmoment,themortifyingrealizationthateverythinghadbeenasetupforhiswifetotellheroffforhim!Thinkingaboutitnow,pressingherforeheadagainstthewillowtreebarktostopthepainbehindhereyesfromspreading,shamefrothedthroughher,fillingandthreateningtobursteveryorgan,andshewishedshecoulddisappear,justrunawayandneverfaceMattorJanineagain.
Sheheardanoisethen.Adistantknockingnoisefromthedirectionofherhouse.Janine.IthadtobeJanineknockingforherparents,tocomplainabouttheirsluttydaughterseducingandstalkinghervirtuoushusband.Sheimaginedthematthedoor,horrorovertakingtheirfacesasJanineshowedthemhernotesandthecigarettes,depictingherasapatheticgirlsexuallyobsessedwithherhusband.Shameandfearflashedthroughheragainatthisthought,butsomethingelse,too.Anger.AngeratMatt,themanwho’dtakenherlonelinessandtwisteditintosomethingsick,thenliedtohiswifeaboutit.AngeratJanine,thewomanwho’dbeensoquicktoassumeherhusband’sinnocencewithoutevenstoppingforMary’ssideofthestory.Angeratherparents,who’drippedherawayfromherhome,herfriends,andputherinthissituation.Mostofall,angeratherselfthatshe’dletallthishappenwithoutfightingback.No.Nomore.Shestoodandmarchedtowardherhouse.ShewouldnotletthemjudgeherwithouthearingeverythingMatthaddone.
Itwasthen—walkingtoherhouse,herangeratherownpastimpotencemixingwithhershame,thecombinationofthatandherheadacheoverpoweringher—thatshesawit:asmallwhitestickbythebackofthebarn.Acigarette.PositionedperfectlytostartafirethatwouldburndownthebarnanddestroyMiracleSubmarine.Afireliketheoneshe’ddreamedofjustaweekago.
THEIDEAHADCOMEonherseventeenthbirthday.RightafterMattranoffaftertheirnightofdrinkingendedwithTheThing(shecouldn’tbeartolabelit),she’dretreatedtohersafeplaceamidtheweepingwillows,halfsitting,halflyingagainstarock,chain-smokingcigarettes,tryingtokeepfromcryingorthrowingup.
Aftershefinishedherthirdorfourthcigarette,shedroppeditandreachedforanother.Shewasfocusingonlightingthenextoneasquicklyaspossible—sheneededthesmoketoneutralizethesmelllingeringinhernostrils,acombinationofthesicklysweetnessofpeachschnappsandthepungentfishinessofsemen—whilesimultaneouslykeepingherheadandtorsoabsolutelystilltokeeptheworldfromspinningandthealcoholicsludgeinherstomachfromlurching.Butherfingerswerestillshakinganditwashardtoseewithoutmovingherhead,andasshelitthematch,shedroppedit.
Thefiredidn’tcatch—itlandedclosetothewaterandfizzedoutrightaway—butmovinghereyesdowntotheground,Marynoticedflamesafewfeetaway;apparently,acigaretteshe’ddroppedearlierhadlandedonapileofleaves.Sheknewsheshouldstompitoutrightaway,butsomethingstoppedher.Shecrouchedbeforethefireandwatchedit—orange,blue,andblackwaveswhirlingandgrowing—andrememberedMatt’steethshovingagainstherlips,andhistongue,jabbingherlipsopen,forcingherNodownherthroat.Sherememberedhimcrushingherfingersontohispenis,usingherhandlikeanobjecttopumpandsqueeze,upanddown,eachpumpaccompaniedbyagruntthatstankoffermentedpeachandmadehercoughintohistongue,andthelukewarm,viscousspurtofsementhatclungevenaftershescrubbedherhandinthecreekuntilitturnedbrightred,thescratchmarkfromhiszipperawhitelineacrossherhand.Sherememberedhowstupidshe’dbeenwithherSATclassmatesearlier.Aftertheyallsaidtheycouldn’tmakeherbirthdaydinner,shesaiditwasnoproblem,andactually,shewasmeetingupwithaguylateranyway,adoctor,andwhentheyteasedher,saidhesoundedlikeanoldpervwhowasjustaftersex,shesaidhewasagentleman,afriendwhocaredandlistenedtoherproblemsandwasgoingthroughahardtimehimself.They’dlaughed,calledherna?ve,andthey’dbeenright.
Shepouredtherestoftheschnappsontothefire.Rightwhenithit,theflameswhooshed,andshefeltwildhappinessthattheflameswouldreachher,consumeher,anddestroyeverything.Matt,herfriends,herparents,herlife.Gone.
Thefirediedoutalmostimmediately,itspre-deathexpansionlastingasecond,andshemadesureitwascompletelyoutbeforeleaving.Butlaterthatnight,sleepinginthechamber,she’ddreamedofthefire,theflamesfromthewillowgrovespreadingandengulfingthebarntodestroythebusinessthatkeptthemtiedtothistownshehated,tothemanshewishedwoulddisappear.Shedidn’tthinkaboutitagainaftershewokeup—she’dtriedtowipehermindclearofthatnight,hadtriedtokeepbusywithSATstudiesandresearchintocollegeandhousingoptionsinSeoul—butnow,almostaweeklater,hereitwas,rightnexttothebarn:acigarettestickingoutofapyreoftwigsanddriedleaves,positionedpreciselyinthemiddleofanopenbookofmatches.Itfeltlikeagifttoher,anoffering.Asiffatewerecallingtoher,invitinghertolightthecigarette,tellinghertocomeon,goahead,thiswasexactlywhatsheneededrightnow,mereminutesafterthehumiliationofMatt’swifescreamingthatshewasastalkerandawhore,asshameandangerweresearingherinsides.Justburnitdownanddestroyit.
Shewalkedtowardit.Slowly,cautiously,asiftowardamiragethatmightdisappear.Shecrouchedinfrontofthemoundandreachedhershakinghandtopickupthecigarette.Somewhereinthebackofhermind,itoccurredtoherthatitwascharred,asifsomeonehadlititbutithadgoneoutbeforethepyrecaughtonfire,butthequestionofwhoandwhywouldn’tcomeuntillater.Afterwakingupinthehospitalandforthenextyearofherlife,she’dbeconsumedwithit.Butfornow,shedidn’tcare.Itdidn’tmatter.Itonlymatteredthatthiscigarettewasmeanttobelitandthepyremeanttobeinflames.Shethoughtoftheswooshoftheflamesbythecreekwhentheschnappshitit,thewarmcomfortofthefire,andshewanteditagain.Neededit.
Shepickedupthematchbook,toreamatchstick,andstruckit.Itlit,andshequicklyplacedthematchbookandcigaretteinthemiddleofthemound.Thematchbookcaughtfireinitsentirety,andthecigaretteburned,itstipabrightred.Shefeltawarmthdeepinherchest,thatsamecomfort,andsheblewonthefire,gently,feedingtheflames,encouragingthemoundtocatch,sendingbitsofashfromdriedleavesfloatinglazilyupthesmoke.Herfacegrewhot,andshestayeduntiltheentiremoundwasonfire,thenshestoodandbackedaway,stepbystep,watchingtheflames,willingthemtogetbigger,higher,hotter,todestroythisdecrepitbuildingandeverythinginside.
Whensheturnedawaytowalktoherhouse,themagicofthemoment,thesurrealfeelingofthisnotquitebeingreal,zappedaway.Itwaspast8:15,sothepatientswereallgone—andyes,thepatientparkinglotwasempty,shechecked,andbesides,Janinehadsaidthediveendedearlier—butwhatifherfatherwasstillinthebarn,cleaningup?No,thebarnwasobviouslyemptyaswell;healwaysturnedofftheACaftercleaning,andtheACwasoffnow,itsloudfansilent,andthelightswereoff.Still,herheartthumpedasshethoughtofwhatshe’ddone—arson,acrime,thepolice,jail,herparents—andshestopped,thoughtaboutgoingbackandstompingoutthefirebeforeitgotoutofcontrol.
“Meh-hee-yah.Meh-hee-yah!”Hermother’syellcamefrominsidethehouse,obviouslyannoyedshecouldn’tfindher.Itfeltlikerockshittingherinherchest,thosecausticsixsyllableswrappedtightaroundacoreofhermother’sdisapproval,andjustlikethat,Marywasfuriousagain,thecalmthatcamefromlightingthefireandwalkingawaygone.Sheturnedandran.
Shewasalmosttotheshed—shedesperatelyneededasmoke,rightnow—whenshesawherfatheroutside,dialinghisphone.Helookedupandsaid,“Oh,good,Iwasabouttocallyou.Ineedyourhelp.”Heputthephonetohisearandmotionedforhertocome.Afterafewseconds,hesaidintothephone,“Youalwaysthinktheworstofher,butshe’shere,helpingme.Andthebatteriesareunderthehousekitchensink,butdon’tleavethepatients.I’llsendMarytograbthem.”Heturnedandsaidtoher,“Mary,go,rightnow.TakefourDbatteriestothebarn,”thensaidbackintothephone,“I’llcomeinoneminuteandletthepatientsout.Remembernottosay…Yuh-bo?Hello?Areyouthere?Yuh-bo!”
Patients.Letthemout.Barn.
Thosewordswhirledaroundherheadlikeacyclone,sendingherspinning.Sheturned.Ran,asfastasherlegswouldmove.Please,God,pleaseletthefirehavegoneout.Letithavebeenadream,anightmare.Letherhavemisunderstoodherfather’swords.Howcouldtherebepatientsinthebarn?Thelastdivewasoverlongago,Janineconfirmedit.TheACwasoff.Thelightswereoff.Thecarsweregone.Whatwashappening?
Shecouldn’tbreathe,shecouldn’trunanymore,thericealcoholwascreepingupandburningherthroatandthegroundwasmovingupanddownlikewavesandshewasgoingtofallandsomewhereinthedistancehermotherwascallingouthername,butshekeptrunning.Approachingthebarn,shesaw:thelightswereout.Parkinglot,empty.AC,off.Itwasquiet,soquiet,shecouldn’thearanything,except…ohGod,therewasnoisecomingfrominsidethebarn,afaintsoundlikesomeonehammering,andfrombehindthebarn,thecrackleofflames,eatingawayatthewood.Smokewasrisingfrombehindthebarn,andwhensheturnedthecornertofacethebackwall,shefeltthefire,hotonherface,sohotshecouldn’tgetclosereventhoughherbrainwasscreamingathertogetrightupnexttoit,tothrowherselfonthewallanduseherbodytoputoutthefire.
Sheheardhermother’svoice,callingher,saying“Meh-hee-yah.”Quietly.Gently.Sheturnedandsawhermothergazeather,herunblinkingeyesdrinkingherinasifshehadn’tseenherinyears.Justbeforetheboom,beforeshefeltherselfliftupintheair,shesawhermotherwalkingtoher,herarmswideopen.Shewantedtoruntoher.Tohugherandaskhertoholdhertightandmakeeverythingokayagain.Thewaysheusedtowhenshewasalittlegirl,whenhermotherwasherUm-ma.
YOUNG
ASSOONASYOUNGSAIDTHEWORDSaccusingherdaughterofmurder,Marylookedupandmethereyes,thescrunchedwrinklesonherfacerelaxingintothesmoothnessofrelief.Finally,thetruth.
Pakbrokethesilence.“That’scrazy.”
Youngdidn’tlookathim,couldn’tstoplookingintoherdaughter’seyesanddrinkinginwhatshesawthere:aneedforher,alongingtoconnect,toconfide.Howlonghaditbeensincethey’dhadrealintimacy,contactbeyondthefleetingglancestheyexchangedwhilediscussingthelogisticsofeverydaylife?Itwasstrange,almostmagical,howthisconnectionchangedeverything.Eventhedifferenceintheirlanguage—YoungandPakspeakinginKorean,withMaryrespondinginEnglish,asalways—whichhadfeltawkwardinthepast,nowaddedtotheirintimacy,asifthey’dcreatedtheirownprivatelanguage.
Paksaid,“Whatexactlyareyousaying?Youthinkweconspired?IseteverythingupandaskedMarytodothemostdangerouspart?”
“No,”Youngsaid.“Iconsideredthat,butthemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreIrealized—you’dneverstartafirewithpeopleinside.Iknowyou.Youcouldneverbethatcallouswithpeople’slives.”
“ButMarycould?”
“No.Iknowshe’dneverriskpeople’slives.”ShestrokedMary’sface,justthegentlesttouchtoletherknowsheunderstood.“Butifshethoughtthebarnwasempty,ifshethoughtthedivesweredoneandnoonewasinside…”
ThecreasesremainingonMary’sfacevanishedaltogether,andtearspooledinhereyes.Gratefulnessthathermotherknewand,morethanthat,understood.Forgave.
YoungreachedtowipeawayMary’stears.“That’swhyyoukeptsayinghowquietitwas.Youkeptrepeatingitafteryouwokeup,andthedoctorsthoughtyouwererelivingtheexplosion,butthatwasn’titatall.Youwerewonderinghowpeoplecould’vebeeninsideandtheoxygenonwheneverythingwasoff.Youdidn’tknowaboutthepoweroutage.”
“I’dbeenawayallday,”Marysaid,hervoicesoundingcrustyasifshehadn’tspokenindays.“BythetimeIgotback,theparkinglotwasempty.Iwassurethediveswereover.Ithoughttheoxygenwasoffandthebuildingwasempty.”
“Ofcourseyoudid,”Youngsaid.“Theearlierdivewasdelayed,sothelotwasfullandthelastgrouphadtoparkdowntheroad.Whentheearlierpatientsleft,thelotbecameempty.Howcouldyouhaveknown?”
“Ishould’vecheckedtheotherlot.Iknewtheyparkedtherethatmorning,but…”Maryshookherhead.“Noneofthatmatters.Isetthefire.Itwasn’tanaccident.Ididit.Imeanttodoit.It’sallmyfault.”
“Meh-hee-yah,”Paksaid.“Don’tsaythat.It’snotyourfault—”
“Ofcourseit’sherfault,”Youngsaid.Paklookedather,hismouthopeninshockasiftosay,Howdareyousaythat?ShesaidtoMary,“I’mnotsayingyouintendedforpeopletodie,oreventhatyoucould’veforeseenit.Butyouractionshaveconsequences,andyou’reresponsibleforthem.Iknowyouknowthat.I’veseenyou,howtorturedyou’vebeen,allyourtears.It’sbeenkillingyou,goingtocourt,seeinghowyourchoiceshavedestroyedsomanylives.”
Marynodded,afreshwaveofrelieffloodingherfaceatthisacknowledgmentofherculpability.Youngunderstood—sometimes,whenyouwereguiltyofsomething,others’pretensethatyouweren’tresponsiblewastheunbearablepart.Itwasinfantilizing,demeaning.
“WhenIfirstwokeupinthehospital,”Marysaid,“IthoughtmaybeIimaginedthewholething.Itwasn’tthatIdidn’tremember.Ihadaclearmemoryofthatnight—somethinghappenedearlierandIwasreallyupset,morethanI’veeverbeen,andIwaswalkingbythebarn,andacigaretteandmatcheswererightthere.Ididn’tplantodoanything,butwhenIsawthat,itwaslike…likefate,likethatwasexactlywhatIwantedtodorightthen,justburnitdownanddestroyit,anditfeltsogoodwhenIstartedthefire.Istayedtherewatchingitandfeedingtheflamesandmakingsurethebarncaughtonfire.”Marylookedather.“ButIwassoconfusedbecauseIdidn’tthinktheoxygentankwouldexplodewhenit’sshutoff,soIkeptthinking,itmusthavebeenadream,likethecomamessedwithmymemory.Andthatmadesense,becausewhywouldacigarettehavebeenrightthere?”
“Sothat’swhyyounevercameforward?Youreallydidn’tknow?”Youngsaid,carefultokeepdoubtoutofhervoice.ShecouldseehowmuchMarywantedtobelievethis,thatshe’dhonestlydismissedhermemoryasfakeuntilPakconfirmedtodaythatthecigarettewasrealandtoldherhowitcametobethere.
Marylookedaway,towardasquareofbrightblueouttheirfauxwindow.ShebreathedindeeplyandlookedatPak,thenYoung,andsmiledasadlittlesmile.“No,Iknewthatwas”—sheshookherhead—“justmebeingstupid.Iknewitreallyhappened.”
“Sowhydidyounotcomeforward?”Youngsaid.“Whydidyounottellmeoryourfatherrightaway?”
Shebitherlip.“Iwasgoingto.ThedayafterIwokeup,whenAbecametovisit.ButbeforeIcould,youtoldmeaboutElizabeth,howtheyhadallthisproofsheplannedtokillHenry,andIthought,shemustbetheone.Shebuiltthemoundoftwigs.Sheputthecigaretteandmatchesthere.Ifiguredsheranawayaftershelitit,soshewouldn’tbenearbywhenthetankblewup,butthecigarettewentoutbyaccidentbeforeIfoundit,maybeastronggustofwind.Anditmademefeelsomuchbetter,likeIdidn’treallystartthefire.Elizabethdid,she’stheonetoblame,andmyrelightingthecigarettewasmoreatechnicality,justallowingittocontinuedoingwhatElizabethmeantforittodo.”
Youngsaid,“Sothat’showyoumadepeacewithherbeingontrial?”
Marynodded.“Itoldmyselfshewasguilty.Shedeserveditbecauseshemeanttodoitandwouldhaveifthecigarettehadn’thappenedtogoout.Ifigured,sheprobablydidn’tevenrealizeanyoneintervenedatall.Forallsheknew,herplanworked,andeverythingthathappenedwaswhatsheplanned.Itmademefeellessguilty,butthen…”Maryclosedhereyesandsighed.
“Butthenyousawherthisweek.”
Marynoddedandopenedhereyes.“Itwasn’tlikewhatAbesaidatall.Thereweresomanyquestionsattrial,anditoccurredtomeforthefirsttime:Whatifshe’snottheone?Whatifsomeoneelseseteverythingup,andshehadnothingtodowiththefire?”
“Soyoudidn’trealizeshemightbeinnocentuntilthisweek?”ThiswaswhatYounghadguessed,hoped,butitwasimportanttoverifythis,thatherdaughterhadn’thurtaninnocentwomanonpurpose.
“No.Justyesterday,Istartedthinkingitmightbe”—Marybitherlip,shookherhead—“someotherperson,butIstillthoughtElizabethwasthemostlikelyone.Butthenthismorning,Ap-bahtoldmeitwashim.ThatwasthefirsttimeIknewitwasn’ther.”
“Andyou?”YoungturnedtoPak.“WhendidyourealizeitwasMary?Howlonghaveyoubeencoveringforher?”
“Yuh-bo,IthoughtitwasElizabeth.Allthistime,Iwasconvincedshecameacrossmysetupandstartedthefire.Butlastnight,whenyoushowedmethestufffromtheshed,Igotsoconfused.Istartedgettingsuspicious,butIcouldn’tfigureouthowMarycouldpossiblyfitintoallthis.Itscaredme,justthinkingaboutit,soIcoveredforher.Shesawthebagfromtheshedwhenshecamein,andshetoldmeeverythingthismorning.That’swhenItoldherthatIleftthecigarette,notElizabeth.That’swhenyouheardus.”
Everythingmadesensenow.Allthepiecesfitsoelegantly.Butwhatwasthepicturetheyformed?Whatwasthesolution?
Asifinanswer,Marysaid,“IknowIneedtotellAbeeverything.Ialmostdiditearlierthisweek,inhisoffice,butIkeptthinkingaboutthedeathpenalty,andIwassoscared,andI…”Mary’sfacecontortedintoamassofshameandregret.Fear.
“Nothingwillhappentoyou,”Paksaid.“I’llcomeforwardifshe’sfoundguilty.”
“No,”Youngsaid.“Maryneedstoconfess.Now.Elizabethisinnocent.Shelostherchild,andshe’sontrialforkillinghim.Noonedeservesthatkindofpain.”
Pakshookhishead.“We’renottalkingaboutsomeinnocentmotherwho’sdonenowrong.Youdon’tknowwhatIknowabouther.Shemaynothavesetthefire,butshe—”
“Iknowwhatyou’regoingtosay.IknowyouoverheardhersayingshewantsHenrytodie,butItalkedtoTeresa,andsheexplainedit.Shedidn’treallymeanthat.Theywerejusttalkingaboutfeelingseverymotherhas,feelingsI’vehad—”
“Thatyouwantyourchildtodie?”
Youngsighed.“Weallhavethoughtsthatshameus.”ShetookMary’shandandknittedtheirfingerstogether.“Iloveyou,andinthehospital,Iached,seeingyouinpain.Iwould’vechangedplaceswithyouifIcould.Butinaway,Ilovedthattime.Forthefirsttimeinsolong,youneededmeandletmecareforyouandholdyouwithoutpushingmeaway,andI…”Youngbitherlip.“Isecretlywishedyouwouldn’tgetbetterandwecouldstayalittlelonger.”
Maryclosedhereyes,andpooledtearssliddownhercheeks.Younggraspedherhandtighterandcontinued.“AndIdon’tknowhowmanytimeswearguedand,justforaminute,Iwishedyou’ddisappearfrommylife,andI’msureyou’vethoughtthesameaboutme.Butifthatweretoactuallyhappen,that’dbeunbearable.Andifsomeoneweretodiscoverthoseworstmomentsandblamemeformychild’sdeath…Idon’tknowhowIcouldlivewithmyself.”ShelookedatPak.“That’swhatwe’reputtingElizabeththrough.Wehavetoendit.Now.”
Pakwheeledawaytothewindow.Thecutoutwasabovehishead,sohecouldn’tlookoutside,buthesatthere,facingthewall.Afteraminute,hesaid,“Ifwedothis,weneedtosayIstartedthefire,alone.Marywouldn’thavedoneanythingifIhadn’tputthecigarettethere.It’sonlyrightthatItaketheblame.”
“No,”Youngsaid.“AbewillconnectMarytothecigarettes,theSeoulapartments—everythingwillcomeout.It’sbettertocomecleannow.Itwasanaccident.He’llseethat.”
“Youkeepsayingitwasanaccident,”Marysaid,“butitwasn’t.Isetthefireonpurpose.”
Youngshookherhead.“Youdidn’tmeantohurtorkillanyone.Youdidn’tplananything.Youstartedthefireonimpulse,intheheatofthemoment.Idon’tknowifthatmattersinAmericanlaw,butitdoestome.Itsoundshuman.Understanda—”
“Shhhh,”Paksaid.“Someone’shere.Iheardacardoor.”
YoungrushedtopeeroutoverPak’shead.“It’sAbe.”
“Remember,keepquietfornow.Nooneistosayanything,”Paksaid,butYoungignoredhimandopenedthedoor.“Abe,”shecalledout.
Abedidn’tsayanything,justkeptwalkinguntilhewasinside.Hisfacewasflushed,thetightcoilsofhishairbeadedwithsweat.Helookedateachoftheminturn.
“Whatiswrong?”Youngsaid.
“It’sElizabeth,”hesaid.“She’sdead.”
ELIZABETH,DEAD.Butshejustsawher,talkedtoher.Howcouldshebedead?When?Where?Why?Butshecouldn’tsayanything,couldn’tmove.
“Whathappened?”Pakasked.Hisvoicewasshaky,soundeddistant.
“Acaraccident.Afewmilesaway.There’sacurvewithabrokenguardrail,andthecarwentofftheroad.Shewasbyherself.Wethink…”Abepaused.“It’searlyyet,buttherearereasonstosuspectsuicide.”
Itwasstrange,howshecouldhearherowngaspandfeelherkneesbuckleandknowshewassurprised,shockedeven,andyetshewasn’t.Itwassuicide,ofcourseitwas.ThelookonElizabeth’sface,thewayhervoicesounded—fullofregret,yetresolute.Inhindsight—andifshewasbeinghonest,evenatthetime—itwasobvious.
“Isawher,”Youngsaid.“Shesaidshewassorry.Sheaskedme”—shepeeredatPak—“pleaseapologizetoPak.”Alookofshamecoatedhisashenface.
“What?Whenwasthis?Where?”Abesaid.
“Inthecourthouse.Maybe12:30.”
“That’srightaroundwhensheleft.Andifsheapologized…thatmakessense.”Abeshookhishead.“Shehadsortofabreakdownincourttoday,and,well,sheapparentlywantedtopleadguilty.Myguessisshefelttooguiltytocontinuewiththetrial.AndgiventhatPakwaswhoherlawyerswereblaming,itfitsthatshewould’vefeltespeciallyguiltytowardhim.”
Elizabeth,guiltytowardPak.Deadbecauseofthatguilt.
“Sothismeansthecaseended?”Paksaid.
“Thetrial’sobviouslyover,”Abesaid,“andwe’researchingforanoteorsomethingmorebywayofadefinitiveconfession.Herapologytoyou,Young,wouldcertainlyweighinonthat.But…”AbeglancedatMary.
“Butwhat?”Paksaid.
Abeblinkedafewtimes,thensaid,“Wehavetofollowuponsomethingsbeforethecaseisofficiallyclosed.”
“Whatthings?”Paksaid.
“Looseends,somenewinformationMattandJaninejustgaveus.”Histonewascasual,likethiswasn’tserious,butitmadeYoungnervous,thewayhefocusedonMary,asiftogaugeherreaction.Andthewayheemphasized“MattandJanine”—therewassubtextthere.Asecretmessagethat,basedonthewaysheblushed,Maryunderstood.
“Anyway,”Abesaid,“I’llarrangetohaveyouallcomeinforsomequestions.Inthemeantime,Iknowthisisshockingandalottoabsorb.Buthopefully,youandalltheothervictimscanfindsomepeaceandmoveforward.”
Victims.ThewordgratedatYoung,andsheforcedherselfnottowince.Herlegsfeltweak.Achy,likeshe’dbeenstandingforhours.
OnceAbeleft,Youngleanedagainstthedoor,herforeheadontherough,unfinishedwood.SheclosedhereyesandrememberedmeetingElizabethinthecourthouse,justafewhoursago.She’dfiguredoutbythenthatitwasMary,hadknownthatElizabethwasinnocent.ShecouldseethatElizabethwasfeelingashamedandalone,andsheletherapologizetoherandsaidnothing.ForallhertalkofhowtheyshouldconfessimmediatelyandsaveElizabethfromonemoremoment’storture,whengiventheopportunitytotakeaction,totellElizabeththetruth,Youngdidn’t.Sheranaway.AndElizabethdied.
Behindher,Paksighed,longandheavy,againandagain,asifhewashavingtroubledrawingoxygenintohislungs.Afteraminute,Pakstartedspeaking,backinKoreanagain.“Noneofuscould’veknown…”Hisvoicebroke.Afteranotherminute,heclearedhisthroat.“MaybeweshouldtalktoMattandJanine,findoutwhatAbewastalkingabout.Ifwecangetthroughthisonelastthing,maybe…”
Youngfeltatickleinherthroat.Softatfirst,thenbuildingasPakcontinuedtalkingaboutwhattheyneededtosaytoAbe,andshecouldn’tstanditanymore,sheneededtolaughorsoborboth.Sheclenchedherhandsintofists,shuthereyestight,andscreamedlikeElizabethhadincourt—wasthatjustthismorning?—untilherthroathurtandsheranoutofbreath.Sheopenedhereyesandturned.ShelookedatPak,thismanwhohadn’ttakenevenfiveminutestomournElizabeth’sdeathbeforeplanningthelogisticsoftheircover-up,andsaid,backinKorean,“Wedidthis.WekilledElizabeth,wepushedhertokillherself.Doyouevencare?”
Paklookedaway,hisfacecrumpledupinsomuchshamethatitpainedhertolookathim.Besidehim,Marywascrying.Shesaid,“Don’tblameAp-bah.Itwasmyfault.Isetthefireandkilledpeople.Ishouldhavecomeforwardrightaway,butIkeptsayingnothing.Andnow,Elizabethisdead,too.Ididthis.”
“No,”PaksaidtoMary,“youkeptsilentbecauseyouthoughtElizabethsetupthefiretokillHenry.Thismorning,assoonasyoufoundoutshedidn’t,youwantedtogotoAbe.IfIhadn’tstoppedyou…”Pak’svoicetrailedoff.Heshuthiseyestightandclenchedhisteeth,asifittookallhisefforttokeephisfacefromcrumbling.
“Wecanallmakeexcuses,”Youngsaid.“Untilthismorning,youboththoughtElizabethwasguiltyinherownwayanddeservedtobepunished.Andmaybe,giventhewayeverythingunfolded,that’sevenunderstandable.Butthatdoesn’tchangethefactthatwealllied—toeachotherandtoAbe.We’vebeenlyingaboutsomanythingsforayear,decidingforourselveswhat’sjustornot,what’srelevantornot.We’realltoblame.”
Paksaid,“Whathappenedistragic,andI’dgiveanythingtochangethepast.Butwecan’t.Theonlythingwecandoistomoveforward.Inastrangeway,thisisagifttoourfamily.”
“Agift?”Youngsaid.“Aninnocentwoman’stortureanddeathisagift?”
“You’reright.That’snottherightword.Ionlymeantthere’snoreasontocomeforwardanymore.Elizabethisgone.Wecan’tchangethat.So—”
“Sowemightaswelltakeadvantageofit,considerourselvesluckythatshekilledherself?”
“No,butwhatwouldbethepointofconfessingnow?Maybeifshehadfamily,someonewho’saffected,butthere’snoone.”
Youngfeltblooddrainfromherlimbs,hermuscleslosetheirstrength.Somethingseemedstuckinherthroat,likeaninvisiblehandchokingher.“SosaynothingandpretendElizabethsetthefire?Theblamewilldiewithher,andwe’llgetinsurancemoneyandmovetoL.A.andMarywillgotocollege?That’syournewplan?”
“There’snochanceofanyonebeinghurtbythis.Thiswillallend,”hesaid.
“Iknowyoubelievethat,butyoubelievedthataboutyourfirstplan,too.Youthoughtputtingacigarettebytheoxygenwouldn’thurtanyone,buttwopeopleendedupdead.Yoursecondplan,lettingElizabethgothroughthetrial—anotherdeath.Andnowyouhaveathirdplan,anotherplanwhereyouknow,you’resure,everythingwillbeokay?Howmanymoredeadbodieswillittakebeforeyoulearn?Youcan’tguaranteeresults.Thisstartedasanaccident,butcoveringeverythinguphasturnedallofusintomurderers.”Herthroathurt,andsherealizedshewasshoutingandMarysobbing.Forthefirsttimeshecouldremember,thesightofMary’stearsdidn’tmakeherwanttoeaseherdaughter’spain.ShewantedMarytohurt,tothinkofwhatshe’ddoneandfeelanunbearableshame,becausethealternativewouldmeantheunthinkable,thatshewasamonster.
Maryputherelbowsonthetableandcoveredherfacewithherhands.YoungpulledMary’shandsawayfromherface.“Lookatme,”shesaidtoMary.“You’vebeentryingtojustwishthisaway,likealittlekidwithamonsterinanightmare.Butyoucan’tescapethis.”ShelookedatPak.“Youthinkstayingsilentwon’tharmanyone?Lookatourdaughter.Thisiskillingher.Sheneedstofacewhatshe’sdone,notrunaway.Youthinkifshegetsoff,she’llhaveamoment’speace?ThatyouorIwill?Thiswillstaywithheranddestroyher.”
“Yuh-bo,please.”Pakwheeledtoherandgrabbedbothherhands.“Thisisourdaughter.Herlifeisjustbeginning.Wecan’tlethergotoprisonandruinherlife.Ifbeingsilenttorturesus,thenweshouldbetortured.That’sourdutyasparents,thedutyweassumedwhenwebroughtalifeintothisworld,toprotectourchild,tosacrificewhateverweneedto.Wecan’tturnourownchildin.I’drathersaythatIdideverything.I’mwillingtomakethatsacrifice.”
“Don’tyouthinkI’dgivemylifeahundredtimesovertosavehers?”Youngsaid.“Don’tyouthinkIknowhowpainfulit’llbetoseeherinprison,howmuchI’drathersuffermyself?Butwehavetodothehardthing.Wehavetoteachherhowtodothehardthing.”
“Thisisn’toneofyourphilosophydebates!”Pakslammedhishandonthetable,hiswordsspittingoutinfrustration.Heclosedhiseyesforamoment,breathedindeeply,andsaidslowly,withforcedcalmness,“Thisisourchild.Wecan’tsendhertojail.I’mtheheadofthisfamily,andI’mresponsibleforus.It’smydecision,andIsaywesaynothing.”
“No,”Youngsaid.SheturnedtoMaryandgrippedherhands.“You’reanadultnow.Notbecauseyouhadabirthdayandyou’reeighteen,butbecauseofwhatyou’vegonethrough.Thisisyourdecision,notmine,notyourfather’s.Iwon’tmakeiteasyforyou;Iwon’tthreatentogotoAbeifyoudon’t.Youneedtomakethehardchoice.GotoAbeornot,it’suptoyou.Yourresponsibility,yourtruthtotell.”
“Soifshesaysnothing,you’lldonothing?You’llletAbeclosethecase?”
“Yes,”Youngsaid.“Butifyousaynothing,Iwon’tstay.Iwantnothingtodowiththemoney.AndIwon’tlie.IfAbeasks,Iwon’tsaywhatyoudid,butIwillsaythatIknowwithabsolutecertaintythatElizabethdidn’tsetthefireandclearhername.Shedeservesthatmuch.”
“Buthe’llaskwhodid.He’llaskhowyouknowthat,”Paksaid.
“I’llsayIcan’tsay.I’llrefusetoanswer.”
“He’llforceyou.He’llthrowyouinjail.”
“ThenI’llgotojail.”
Paksighed,aheavybreathofexasperation.“There’snoneedforthat.Ifyou’d—”
“Stop,”Youngsaid.“I’mdoneplayingtug-of-war.”SheturnedtoMary.“Meh-hee-yah,thisisn’tyourfatherversusme.You’renotchoosingsides.Thisisyourownbattle,andyouneedtothinkforyourselfwhatisrightandmakeyourownchoice.Youtaughtmethat.Youremember?InKorea,youweretwelve,justachild,andyousaidyouknewIdidn’twanttomovetoAmericaandyouaskedhowIcouldblindlyfollowsomeoneelse’sdecisionaboutmylife.Iscoldedyouandtoldyoutojustobeyyourfather,butIwasashamed.Andsoproudofyou.I’vebeenthinkingalotaboutthatlately.IfonlyI’dspokenupbackthen…”Younglookeddownandshookherhead.
SherakedMary’shairwithherfingers,lettingitdrapeacrossherface.“Ihavefaithinyou.Youknowwhatit’sliketoliveinsilence.Youknowthereliefyoufeltwhenyoufinallytoldusthetruth.Afewdaysago,whenIwastalkingaboutinsurancemoneyandmovingawayforcollege,youaskedmehowIcouldthinkaboutthatwhenHenryandKittweredead.Thinkaboutthat.ThinkaboutElizabeth.Drawstrengthfromthat.”
Paksaid,“Nothingwedocanbringthemback.You’reaskingMarytodestroyherlifefornothing.”
“Notnothing.Doingtherightthingisnotnothing.”Youngstoodupandturnedawayfromthem,herhusbandanddaughter,andshesteppedtowardthedoor.Onefoot,thentheother,waitingforMarytostopher,forhertoyellout,Wait,I’mcomingwithyou.Butnoonesaidanything,didanything
Itwasbrightoutside,thesunhittinghereyessofiercelyshehadtosquint.Theairwasdenseandhumid,thewayitalwaysgotinlateafternoonsinAugust.Theskywasclear,withnosignyetofthethunderstormthatwouldhitinafewhours.Thepressureandheatfromthefullsun,buildingandbuildinguntiltheskycrackedintoaten-minutestorm,enoughtorelievethepressureandstartthenight’scooldown.Thentomorrow,thecyclewouldbeginagain.
Inside,shecouldhearmuffledvoices.Shewalkedaway,notwantingtohearwhatPakmustbesaying,hisorderingMarytobepatientandwaitforYoungtocometohersenses.Shewalkedtoanearbytree,agiantoakwithgnarledknotsalloveritstrunk,likescartissuecoveringoldwounds.
Behindher,thedoorcreakedopenandfootstepsapproached,butshekeptfacingthetree,afraidofwhatshe’dseeonherdaughter’sface.Thefootstepsstopped.Ahandpressedonhershoulder,agentlepressure.“I’mscared,”Marysaid.
TearsstungYoung’seyes,andsheturned.“Iam,too.”
Marynoddedandbitherlip.“Ap-bahsaidifIconfess,he’llsayhedideverythingonpurpose,forthemoney,andmystory’salieImadeuptomakeitseemmorelikeanaccident.HesaidifhetellsAbethat,he’llprobablyendupgettingthedeathpenalty.”
Youngclosedhereyes.Pakwasclever.Threateningtheirdaughterwithyetanotherdeath,hisown.SheopenedhereyesandgrabbedMary’shands.“Wewon’tletthathappen.We’lltellAbeeverything,includingyourfather’sthreat.He’llbelieveyou.He’llhaveto.”
Maryblinked,andYoungexpectedhertocry,butinstead,shestretchedherlipsintoapainedsmile.Suddenly,amemory:Marythrowingatantrumasalittlegirl,maybefiveorsix,andafterYounggentlysaidshewasdisappointedinherbehavior,Marygettingahandkerchieffromtheirdresser,wipingawayhertears,stretchingherlipsintoasmile,andsaying,“Look,Um-ma,I’mnotcryinganymore,”lookingdignified,justasshewasnow.Younghuggedherdaughtertight.
Afteramoment,herheadstillonYoung’sshoulder,Maryspoke,inKoreanforthefirsttimeallday.“Willyoucomewithme?Youdon’thavetosayanything,butwillyoujuststandwithme?”
TearsblockedYoung’swords,andshecouldn’tdoanythingbutkeepholdingherdaughterclose,strokingherhairandnoddingoverandoveragain.Soon,shewouldgentlypushherdaughteraway,justalittle,helpherstanduprightonherown,andsayshelovedherandshe’dbeproudtocomeandstandwithherasshetoldthetruth,howeverpainfulitwas.Shewouldsayshewassorryforhavingfailedher,forleavingheraloneallthoseyearsinBaltimoreandnotstandingupforher,andifshecould,she’dneverleaveheragain.Shewouldaskthequestionsthatremainedandtellthestoriesstilluntold.Shewoulddoallthis,eventually—inaminute,oranhour,oraday.Butstandingstillrighthere,feelingtheweightofherdaughter’sbodyleaningagainsthers,herwarmbreathonherneck—fornow,thatwasallsheneeded.
AFTER
November2009
YOUNG
SHESATONATREESTUMPoutsidethebarn.Rather,wherethebarnusedtobeuntilyesterday,whenthenewownersdemolisheditsremainsandtookthemaway,piecebypiece.Allthatwasleftwasthesubmarine,lyingonthedirt,waitingtobetakentoajunkyardsomewhere,thejuxtapositionofitssteelandwiresagainstthegrassandtreeslookinglikeatableauoutofsomescience-fictionfilm.
ThiswasYoung’sfavoritepartoftheday.Earlyinthemorning,soearlythatnightblendedwithday.Moonlightshone,butnotafullmoon.Justasliver,castingthefaintestlightonthesubmarine.Shecouldn’tseeit,exactly,notthecharringorthepaintblistersorthejaggedteethoftheportholes’brokenglass.Shecouldseeonlyitsoutline,andinthislight(orrather,lackoflight),itlookedthesameaslastyearwhenitwasfreshlypaintedandgleaming.
At6:35,thechamberwasstillashadowyblackoval,butinthedistance,theskywasbrightening.Shelookedupattheclouds,thehintofpeachinthegrayness,andrememberedthedisorientationshe’dfeltlookingatthecloudsontheSeoul–NewYorkflight,herfirsttimeonanairplane.She’dgazedouttheportholetowatchherhomelandfadeawayastheplaneascendedintoathicklayerofclouds.Whentheyemergedabove,shemarveledatthebeautyoftheclouds’constancy—theuniformityoftheirvariations,thepatternsintheirrandomness—astheystretchedtothehorizon.Shelookedatthemetal-smoothwing,flutteringslightlyasitgrazedtheclouds’diffuseedgesbeforeslicingthecottonybloomsinperfectprecision,andshehadaflickeringsenseofwrongness,thatshedidn’tbelonginthesky.Itfeltlikehubris.Rejectingyournaturalplaceintheworldandusinganalienmachinetodefygravityanddislocateyourselftoanothercontinent.
At6:44,theskyturnedasoftmauve,theblackofthenightfightingagainstthesunandlosing.Thechamber’scharredspotswerebecomingvisible,butstill,itwasdarkenoughthattheylookedlikeshadows,ormaybemossgrowingoverthemetalandmakingthemachineapartofthelandscape.
At6:52,theskywasadelicateblue,thecolorofnewbornnurseries.Thesubmarine’saquamarinepaint,oncesoglossyitlookedwet,nowlookedpockmarked.
At6:59,brightbeamsofsunlightpenetratedthethickfoliageandhitthesubmarineatonce,asifallthestagelightshadswitchedontospotlighttheshow’sstar.Forasecond,thelightwassobrightthatahaloencircledthesubmarine,hidingitsimperfections.ButYoungstaredstraighton,forcingherpupilstoadjustandconstrict,andshesawtheproofofthecrime:blackcharringeverywhere;theportholeglassmeltedasifthesubmarinewerecrying;thewholetanktiltedlikeanoldmanwithacane.
Sheclosedhereyesandbreathed.In,out.Thoughithadbeenoverayear,thesmellofashandburnedfleshstillclungtothetank’scarcass,mixingwiththemorningdewtoformacharcoalstench.Ormaybethatwasherimagination.Herconscience,tellinghertinyparticleswereinfiltratingherlungsandshemight,atthismoment,bebreathinginthecellsofthepeopleincineratedinthatchamber.
Shelookedtowardthecreek.Shecouldn’tseethewater,hiddenbehindthethicketofleavesstainedinbrightyellowsandreds,nopatterntothecolorsasiftoddlershadrunaroundwithpaintcans,sprayingtreesatrandom.SheimaginedMarysittingbehindthosetrees,herfeetcentimetersfromthewater,smokingandlaughingwithMattThompsonand,onenight,beinghelddownbyhim,assaulted;then,onadifferentnight,beingscreamedatbyhiswife,toldshewasastalker.Awhore.
Itwasfunny,howbeforeMary’sfullconfession—rather,confessions,asshe’dhadtorepeatitmultipletimes,toAbe,thepublicdefender,andthesentencingjudgeinthecourseofpleadingguiltytofelonymurderandarson—she’dbelievedthatMaryneededtoacceptwhateverpunishmentshereceived.ButnowthatMaryandPakwereinprison,shewonderedifitwastrulyfairthatMaryfacedyearsinprison—tenminimum—whenmanyotherswho’dcontributedtothecausalchainthatnightgotnothing.Yes,Marysetthefire.Butshewouldn’thaveifJaninehadn’tliedthatthedivewasoverandMatthadleft.Shecouldn’thaveifPakhadn’tleftthecigaretteandmatcheswherehehad.AndMatt—hewasthecausalrootofeverything:withouthim,withouthisactionsandliestoMaryandJanine,theywouldn’thavedonewhatthey’ddonethenightoftheexplosion.EventhecigarettePakplacedundertheoxygentubewasMatt’s,fromhistrashpileinthehollowtreestump.Andyet,thelawconsideredJanineamerebystander,assigningnoblametoher.AndPakandMattgotnothingfortheirrolesincausingthefireitself;PakreceivedfourteenmonthsinjailandMattasuspendedsentencewithprobation,butbothforperjuryandobstructionofjustice.SheheardthatMattandJanineweregettingadivorce,whichcomfortedhersomewhat;asmuchasshetried,Matt’streatmentofherdaughterwastheoneunpunishedactinallthisthatshecouldnotforgive.
Andherself,mostofall.Somanythingssheshouldandcouldhavedonedifferentlyatsomanypointsalongtheway.Ifshe’dstayedinthebarnandturnedofftheoxygenintime.Ifshehadn’tliedtoAbeforayear.Butmorethananything,ifonlyshe’dconfessedeverythingtoElizabeththatlastday.She’dtoldallthistoAbeandpleadedthatshe,too,neededjail,buthe’dcalledeverythingshe’ddone“tangential”andrefusedtofilecharges.
At7:00,herwatchbeeped.Timetogoinandpacktherestofherthings.Ithadbeenjustaboutthistimewhentheprotestersarrivedthatmorning,startingtheentirechainofevents.Shedidn’tblamethem,exactly.Butiftheyhadn’tcome,Henry,Kitt,andElizabethwouldallbealivenow.Pakwouldn’thavecausedthepoweroutage,thediveswouldn’thavebeendelayed,andtheoxygenwould’vebeenoffandeveryonegonebythetimeMarysetthefire,whichshewouldn’thavedoneanywaybecausePakwouldn’thaveleftanycigaretteanywhere.
Thatwasboththebestandworstpart,thatallthathappenedwastheunintendedconsequenceofagoodperson’smistakes.Teresaoncesaidthatwhatreallygother,whatkeptherupatnightanddrovehertokeeplookingforacure,wasthatRosawasn’tsupposedtobethisway.Ifshe’dbeenbornwithageneticdefect,Teresacouldlivewiththat.Butshe’dbeenhealthy,andshehadgottenthiswaybecauseofsomethingthatshouldn’thavehappened—anillnessnottreatedintime.Itwasunnatural,avoidable.Inthesameway,YoungalmostwishedMaryhaddonethisintentionally.Notreally,becauseofcourseshedidn’twantMarytobeevil,butinaway,itwasworseknowingthatherdaughterwasagoodpersonwhomadeonemistake.Itwasalmostasifthefatesconspiredtomanipulatethatday’seventsinjustsuchawayastoleadMarytolightthatmatch.Somanypieceshadtofit:thepoweroutage,thedivedelays,Matt’snote,Janine’sconfrontation,Pak’scigarette.Ifjustoneofthosethingshadn’thappened,atthismoment,ElizabethandKittwouldbedrivingHenryandTJtoschool.Marywouldbeincollege.MiracleSubmarinewouldstillberunning,andsheandPakwouldbegettingreadyforafulldayofdivesahead.
Butthatwasthewaylifeworked.Everyhumanbeingwastheresultofamilliondifferentfactorsmixingtogether—oneofamillionspermarrivingattheeggatexactlyacertaintime;evenamillisecondoff,andanotherentirelydifferentpersonwouldresult.Goodthingsandbad—everyfriendshipandromanceformed,everyaccident,everyillness—resultedfromtheconspiracyofhundredsoflittlethings,inandofthemselvesinconsequential.
Youngwalkedtoatreewithredleavesandpickedupthethreebrightestleavesshecouldfindontheground.Redforluck.Shewonderedhowthesewoodswouldlookintenyears,whenMarywasoutofprison.She’dbeinherlatetwenties.Shecouldstillgotocollege,fallinlove,havechildren.Thatwassomethingtohopefor.Inthemeantime,Youngwouldcontinuetovisithereveryweek—ifanygoodcameoutofthelastmonths,ithadtobetherevivalanddeepeningofherrelationshipwithherdaughter.ShebroughtMaryherfavoritephilosophycollegetexts,andtheydiscussedthemduringtheirvisits,likeatwo-personbookclub,withYoungspeakinginKoreanandMaryinEnglish,elicitingpuzzledlooksfromtheotherinmates.
IthadbeenharderwithPak,especiallyatfirst,whenshe’dbeensoangrywithhisstubbornness,butYoungforcedherselftovisitregularly,andwitheachvisit,shefeltathawingfromhim,adeepeningrepentanceandacceptanceofresponsibilitynotonlyforthefireandElizabeth’sdeath,butforhisattempttocontrolthemintosilence.Maybe,overtime,itwouldgeteasiertoseehim,talktohim.Forgivehim.
Teresaarrivedandparkedbytheconstructionequipment—aloadercrane,theworkerssaid.Shewasalone.“IsRosawithyourchurchfriends?”Youngsaidastheyhuggedhello.
Teresanodded.“Yup.Wehavealottodotoday,”shesaid,whichwastrue.They’dalreadymovedmostofYoung’sthingsintoTeresa’sguestroom(“Stopcallingitaguestroom;it’syourroomnow,”Teresakeptsaying),buttheystillhadadozenerrandsonShannon’schecklistforthebuilding-dedicationceremonyatnoon.SincetheWashingtonPostarticlelastweek,thenumberofattendeeshadtripled,andnowincludedtheD.C.-areaautismmoms’group,manyformerMiracleSubmarinefamilies,Abeandhisstaff,allthedetectivesandtheirstaff,and—alast-minutesurprise—Victor.Ofcourse,Victorwastheonewho’dmadetheentireendeavorpossible,whenhe(inabizarretwist)inheritedElizabeth’smoneyandtoldShannonhedidn’twantit,thathethoughtElizabethwouldwantitusedforsomethinggood,maybeautism-related,andwouldShannontakecareofthat?ShannonhadconsultedTeresa,andtogether,withYoung’shelp,theywerecreatingHenry’sHouse,anonresidential“homebase”forspecial-needschildrenprovidingon-sitetherapyaswellasdaycareandweekendcamps.
“Igotsomething.”TeresahandedYoungabag.
Itheldthreeportraitsinmatchingwoodenframes,plainbutstainedadeep,richbrown.Elizabeth,Henry,andKitt,withtheirnamesanddatesofbirthanddeathinscribedonthebottom.“Ithoughtwecouldputtheminthelobby,underthededicationplaque,”Teresasaid.
AlumpformedinYoung’sthroat.“Itisbeautiful.Veryappropriate.”
Infrontofthem,themenweregettingreadytotakethechamberaway.Watchingthemfastenacablearoundit,sherememberedlastyear,whenothermenhaddeliveredittothisspotanduntiedthebinding.Pakhadplannedtocallthebusiness“MiracleCreekWellnessCenter,”butseeingthechamber,thewayitresembledaminiaturesubmarine,she’dsaid,“MiracleSubmarine.”She’dturnedtoPakandsaiditagain.“MiracleSubmarine—that’swhatweshouldcallit.”He’dsmiledandsaidthatwasagoodname,abettername,andshe’dfeltathrill,thinkingofchildrenclimbinginsideandbreathinginpureoxygen,theirbodieshealing.
Thecranebeepedandliftedthechamberbeforepivotingtoplaceitoveratruck.Thearmlowered,andasthechamber’ssteelmetthesteelofthetruckbed,aboomingthudsounded,andYoungflinched.Lookingatthebarrenground,shefeltanachestartfromthecenterofherchestandradiate.Alltheirhopesandplans,gone.
Asthemensecuredthechambertothetruck,YounglookeddownattheportraitsinthebagandthoughtofHenry’sHouse.Theliveslost,thepainatitsfoundation—sheandherfamilycouldneverrepaythat.ButshewouldseeTJeveryday;she’ddrivehimtoandfromHenry’sHouse,takecareofhimbetweentherapies,andproviderespitetohisfatherandsisters,easetheirlivesjustalittlebit.She’dworkalongsideTeresaandhelphertakecareofRosaandotherchildrenlikeher,TJ,andHenry.
Teresareachedoutandclaspedherhand.Sheclosedhereyesandfeltherfriend’swarm,softhandinherleftandthesilkyhandleofthebaginherright.Thetruckrumbledandbeepedagain,andsheopenedhereyes.Inthedistance,beyondthestretchofburned,deaddirt,beyondthecarcassofthesubmarinenowslowlymovingaway,apatchofwildflowersinyellowandbluestood,andlookingatit,shefeltherdespairdisplacedbysomethingsimultaneouslyheavierandlighter.Han.TherewasnoEnglishequivalent,notranslation.Itwasanoverwhelmingsorrowandregret,agriefandyearningsodeepitpervadesyoursoul—butwithasprinklingofresilience,ofhope.
ShetightenedhergriponTeresa’shandandfelthersqueezeback.Theystoodtogether,handinhand,andwatchedMiracleSubmarinefadeintothedistance.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Afirstbookowesmanydebts,andmybiggestistomyhusband,JimDraughn,whoservedcountlessrolesthroughouteverystageofmywritingprocess:reader,listener,editor,counselor,courtroom-sceneconsultant,familychefandchauffeur,andmakerandbringertomywritingnookofcoffee,omelets,martinis,andwhateverelseIneededtofinishthenextchapter.WhatwouldIhavedonewithoutyou?Iwouldn’thavewrittenthisbook,that’sforsure.Iwouldn’thavewrittenanythingatall;itwasyouwhofirsttoldme,yearsago,thatIwasawriter.Thankyouformakingmebelieveitandgivingmethetoolsandspacetotry.
ToSusanGolomb,mysuperstaragentextraordinaire,thankyouforpickingano-namenewbieoutoftheslushpile,forbelievinginthisbookandbeingitsimpassionedadvocate.You,alongwithMajaNikolec,MariahStovall,DanielBerkowitz,andSadieResnickatWritersHouse,supportedandguidedmeeverystepoftheway.
ToSarahCrichton,thesmartesteditorandpublisheranyonecouldaskfor.Yougotthisbook—thetinglesIgotthefirsttimewetalked!—andyouknewexactlywhatweneededtodotobringittothenextlevel,andtothenext,andtothenext.Thankyouforpushingme.Andtotheamazing,first-rateteamatFSG,especiallyNaKim,DebraHelfand,RichardOriolo,RebeccaCaine,KateSanford,BenjaminRosenstock,PeterRichardson,JohnMcGhee,ChandraWohleber,andElizabethSchraft:thankyouforturningmywordsintoabeautifulbookI’llalwaysbeproudof.
ToFSG’ssalesdirector,SpenserLee,I’mgratefultoyouforsowhollyembracingandchampioningthisbook.Andtomypublicists,KimberlyBurnsandLottchenShivers,ourworktogetherhasjustbegun,butI’msoluckytobeinyourexperthands,guidingmethroughthewholeprocess.ThankyoutoVeronicaIngal,DanielDelValle,andtheentiresales,marketing,andpublicityteamforworkingsohardtobringthisbooktotheworld.
Tomywritinggroup—BethThompsonStafford,FernandoManibog,CarolynSherman,DennisDesmond,JohnBenner,andhonorarylong-distancememberAminAhmad—thankyouforstickingwithmethroughmultipledraftsandrevisions,fromnonsensicalfirstdrafttogalleyproofs.Andfortheprosecco.Wecan’tforgettheprosecco.
ToMarieMyung-OkLee,whosegenerosityknowsnobounds,whointroducedmetoeverywriter,editor,andagentwithinherconsiderablesphereoffriends.AndtodearfriendsMarlaGrossman,SusanRothwell,SusanKurtz,andMaryBethPfister,whoweremyearliestreadersandbiggestcheerleaders,whoansweredcountlesspanickedcallsandrequestsforhelponeverythingfrombrainstormingtitlestoselectingauthorphotos.YouarethesistersIchoseformyself,andthebestfriendsanyonecouldaskfor.
Manymanyothershelpedtomakethisbookwhatitistoday.NicoleLeeIdar,MariaAcebal,CatherineGrossman,BarbaraEsstman,SallyRainey,RickAbraham,MaryAnnMcLaurin,CarlNichols,FaithDornbrand,andJonathanKurtzprovidedearlyandhonestfeedback.JohnGilstrapandMarkBerginpatientlyansweredmyquestionsaboutexplosionsandfingerprints.(Anyremainingerrorsaredefinitelymine.)AnniePhilbrick,SusanCain,JulieLythcott-Haims,AaronMartin,LyndaLoigman,andCourtneySenderhelpedmenavigatethemysteriousworldofliteraryagentsandpublishers.AndMissyPerkins,KaraKim,andJulieReisspliedmewithwinerepeatedlyandoften.AlongwithmyNoPressureNoGuiltbookclubandmyFairWeatherHikingMamasgroup,youallprovidedmuch-neededsupportandkeptmesane.
Andfinally,thosedearesttomyheart.Tomyparents,AnnaandJohnKim,myum-maandap-bah,thankyouforsacrificingyourlivesinKoreatobringourfamilytothisforeignland,allformyfuture.Yourselflessnessandloveastoundandinspireme.Myee-moandee-mo-boo,HelenandPhilipCho,whogaveusahomeinAmerica—Iwouldn’tbeherewithoutyou,literally.Andtomythreeboys:thankyouforputtingupwiththechaosandcrazinessofmywritinglife,dayinanddayout,forgivingmehugsandkisses(sometimesevenvoluntarily!),andforfuelingmywritingbytakingmethroughtheentirerangeofhumanemotion—fromblindingworryandfuriousfrustrationtoout-of-my-mind,can’t-stand-itloveandprotectiveness—onadaily,oftenhourly,basis.I’mproudofyou,everyday.Iloveyou.Youaremymiracles.
Andnow,wecomefullcircle,backtoJim,myfirstandlastreader,mylove,mypartnerinlife.IknowIsaiditalready.Butitbearsrepeating.It’snothingwithoutyou.Thankyou,love.Always.
ANOTEABOUTTHEAUTHOR
AngieKimmovedasapreteenfromSeoul,SouthKorea,tothesuburbsofBaltimore.SheattendedStanfordUniversityandHarvardLawSchool,whereshewasaneditoroftheHarvardLawReview,thenpracticedasatriallawyeratWilliams&Connolly.HerstorieshavewontheGlamourEssayContestandtheWabashPrizeinFiction,andhaveappearedinnumerouspublications,includingVogue,TheNewYorkTimes,Salon,Slate,TheSouthernReview,SycamoreReview,TheAsianAmericanLiteraryReview,andPANK.ShelivesinnorthernVirginiawithherhusbandandthreesons.YoucansignupforemailupdateshereSarahCrichtonBooks
Farrar,StrausandGiroux
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Copyright?2019byAngelaSuyeonKim
Allrightsreserved
Firstedition,2019
E-bookISBN:978-0-374-71798-8
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CONTENTS
TitlePage
CopyrightNotice
Dedication
Epigraph
TheIncident
AYearLater:TheTrial:DayOne
YoungYoo
MattThompson
TeresaSantiago
PakYoo
Matt
Young
MaryYoo
ElizabethWard
TheTrial:DayTwo
Matt
Young
Teresa
Elizabeth
Matt
Mary
JanineCho
TheTrial:DayThree
Pak
Young
Teresa
Elizabeth
Young
Matt
TheTrial:DayFour
Janine
Matt
Young
Matt
Elizabeth
Matt
Teresa
Elizabeth
Matt
Elizabeth
Pak
Mary
Young
After
Young
Acknowledgments
ANoteAbouttheAuthor
Copyright
© Copyright Notice
The copyright of the article belongs to the author. Please do not reprint without permission.
THE END
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