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Names:Jimenez,Abby,author.
Title:Partofyourworld/AbbyJimenez.
Description:FirstEdition.|NewYork:Forever,2022.|Summary:“PeopleexpectbigthingsfromAlexisMontgomery.She’sathirty-seven-year-olddoctorfromawealthyandprestigiousfamilyfullofworld-renownedsurgeons.Only,Alexisistiredoflivinguptoherfamily’sdreamsforher.Nowshe’sabouttotakeherbraveststepyet:startlivingherlifeforherself.DanielGrantisatwenty-eight-year-oldsmall-towncarpenterwithaheartofgoldandalegacyofhisown.Hemaynothavegonetocollege,buthe’salwaysknownjustwhathewantsforhisfuture.Whathenevercountedonwasmeetingthewomanwhowouldmakehimquestionallhe’deverbelievedheneeded.Onefatefulnighttheirworldscollide,andsoonthetwoarespendingallthetimetheycantogether.Theirfamilies,theirfriends,andtheirlifestylesareworldsapart…yetsomethingaboutbeingtogetherjustclicks.Butwhenwordoftheirnewrelationshipgetsout,theyarenotatallpreparedforwhathappensnext”—Providedbypublisher.
Identifiers:LCCN2021041710|ISBN9781538704370(tradepaperback)|ISBN9781538704363(ebook)
Classification:LCCPS3610.I47P372022|DDC813/.6–dc23
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2021041710
ISBNs:978-1-5387-0437-0(tradepaperback),978-1-5387-0436-3(ebook)
E3-20220408-DA-NF-ORITableofContents
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Chapter31
Chapter32
Chapter33
Chapter34
Chapter35
Chapter36
Chapter37
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
DiscoverMore
READINGGROUPGUIDE
QuestionsforReaders
Q&AwithAbby
Daniel’sCrepeRecipe
AbouttheAuthor
AlsobyAbbyJimenez
PraiseforAbbyJimenez
Navigation
TableofContents
ToJeanette,Terri,Dawn,andLindsay.
Ican’timaginebeingabletodohalfofwhat
Idowithoutyourtirelesssupport.
Thisone’sforyou.Explorebookgiveaways,sneakpeeks,deals,andmore.
Tapheretolearnmore
Chapter1
Alexis
Mothsflutteredinmyheadlightsoverthelonggrassoftheditch.Iwasstillclutchingthewheel,myheartpounding.
I’dswervedtomissaraccooninthefogandcareenedintoashallowembankmentonthesideoftheroad.Iwasokay.Shaken,butokay.
Itriedputtingthecarinreverse,andmytiresspunuselessly.Probablymud.Ugh.IshouldhaveboughttheSUVinsteadofthesedan.
Iturnedofftheengine,putonthehazards,andcalledroadsideassistance.Theytoldmeit’dbeanhourwait.
Perfect.Justperfect
Iwasstillatwo-hourdrivefromhome,stuckonsomelonelystretchbetweenthefuneralhomeI’djustleftinCedarRapids,Iowa,andmyhouseinMinneapolis.Iwasstarving,Ihadtousethebathroom,andIwasinshapewear.Basicallythegrandfinaletotheworstweekever.
Icalledmybestfriend,Bri.Sheansweredonthefirstring.“So?Howwashellweek?”
“Well,Icantellyouhowitended,”Isaid,recliningmyseat.“Ijustdrovemycarintoaditch.”
“Ouch.Areyouokay?”
“Iam.”
“Didyoucallatowtruck?”
“Idid.Anhourwait.AndI’minSpanx.”
Shesuckedairthroughherteeth.“Satan’sunderwear?Youdidn’tchangebeforeyouleft?Youmusthaverunoutoftherelikeyouwerebeingchased.Whereareyou?”sheasked.
Ipeeredoutthewindshield.“Ihavenoidea.Literallythemiddleofnowhere.Idon’tevenseestreetlamps.”
“Didyoumessupyourcar?”
“Idon’tknow,”Isaid.“Ihaven’thadachancetogetouttocheck.Idon’tthinkso.”Ishifteduncomfortablyinmyseat.“Youknowwhat?Holdon.I’mtakingtheseoff.”
Igotunbuckledandreclinedtheseatasfarasitwouldgo.Itookoffmyheelsandtossedthemonthepassengerside,thenreachedaroundtounzipmyself.Iwiggledoutoftheattachedbrastrapsandleanedallthewaybackandpulledmyblackcocktaildressuparoundmyhips,hookingmythumbsintothetopofmySpanx.
Therewasnobodyouthere.Ihadn’tseenanothercaronthisroadinahalfhour.ButjustasIstartedtowrestlethenylonsdown,headlightspouredthroughmybackwindshield—becauseofcoursetheydid.
“Shoot,”Ibreathed,movingfaster.
Itwasliketryingtogetoutofafull-bodycompressionsockwhilebeingtimedforspeed.IheardacardoorslamandIgotfrantic,fightingmySpandexrestraintsdowntomykneesunderthesteeringwheelandthenkickingoutofthemjustassomeonecameuptothewindow
Alargeshaggydogpoppedoutofnowhereandjumpeduponmydoortolookinatme.Thenabeardedwhiteguyinadenimjacketwithawoolcollarcameupbehindhim.“Hunter,down.”Hepulledthedogoffmycarandtappedontheglasswithaknuckle.“Hey,youokayinthere?”
Myzipperwasstillhalfundone,andmydresswashikedalmosttomyunderwear.“I’mfine,”Isaid,tuggingmydressovermythighs,pivotingtoputmybarebacktothepassengerside.“Raccoon.”
Heputahandtohisear.“I’msorry,Ican’treallyhearyou.”
Icrackedthewindowaninch.“Iswervedforaraccoon.I’mfine,”Isaidagain,louder.
Helookedamused.“Yeah,we’vegotalotofthosearoundhere.Wantmetotowyouout?”
“Icalledatowtruck.Thankyouthough.”
“Ifyoucalledatowtruck,you’rewaitingonCarl,”hesaid.“Youmightbewaitingawhile.”Henoddeddowntheroad.“He’ssixbeersdeepattheVFW.”
Iclosedmyeyesandletoutatiredbreath.WhenIopenedthem,themanwassmiling.“Givemeasec,I’lltowyouout.”
Hedidn’twaitformetoreply,justwalkedbackbehindmycar.
Ihurriedlyzippedmyselfup.ThenIpickedupmyphoneagain.“Someguyistowingmeout,”IwhisperedtoBri.
Iangledmyrearviewtotrytoseehisplates,buthisheadlightswereinmyeyes.Iheardmetallicclankingfromoutside.Thedogjumpedbackuptolookatmethroughthewindow.Hisnubbytailbeganwagging,andhebarked.
“Isthatadog?”Briasked.
“Yeah.Hebelongstotheguy,”Isaid,shakingmyheadatthedog.Hewaslickingtheglass.
“Whyareyousooutofbreath?”
“IwasinthemiddleoftryingtogetmySpanxoffwhenheshowedup,”Isaid,grabbingthemfromthefloorandballingthemintomypurse.“Iwashalfnakedwhenhewalkeduptothewindow.”
ShelaughedsohardIhadtopullthephoneawayfrommyear.
“It’snotfunny,”Iwhispered.
“Maybenottoyou,”shesaid,stilllaughing.“Sowhat’sthatguylooklike?Somecreepyolddude?”
“No.He’skindofcute,actually,”Isaid,tryingtoseetheactivitybehindmeinthesidemirror.
“Ahhhhh.Andwhatdoyoulooklike?”
Iglanceddownatmyself.“Hairandmakeupdone,blackfuneraldress—”
“TheDolceone?”
“Yeah.”
“Solookin’hot.I’mgonnastayonthephonewithyouincaseyougetmurdered.”
“Ha.Thanks.”Ileanedbackinmyseat.
“Sodidthefuneralsuck?”Briasked.
Iletoutalongbreath.“Itsuckedsobad.EveryonekeptaskingwhereNeilwas.”
“What’dyoutellthem?”
“Nothing.ThatwebrokeupandIdidn’twanttotalkaboutit.Iwasn’tgettingintoit.AndofcourseDerekwasano-show.”
“WhatatimetobeinCambodia.He’smissingalllllthefun,”Brisaid.
Mytwinbrotherhadapenchantforavoidingthefamilydrama.Icouldn’tsayheknewGreat-AuntLilwasgoingtodiesuddenlyinhernursinghome,andthatIwasgoingtobethrustaloneintothelion’sdenatthethree-dayfamilyreunion/funeralthatfollowed—butitwasveryonbrandforhimnonetheless.
IrolledthewindowdownanotherfewinchessoIcouldpetthedog.Hehadbushyold-maneyebrowsandwidegoldeneyesthatmadehimlookstartledtoseeme
“Momdidareallynicejobwiththeeulogy,”Isaid,givingthedog’searascratch.
“Doesn’tsurpriseme.”
“AndNeiltextedmethewholetime.”
“Alsodoesn’tsurpriseme.Thatmanhasnothingbuttheaudacity.Didyoureply?”
“Uh,no,”Isaid.
“Good.”
Moreclankingfromoutside.
“Allright,solisten,”Brisaid.“Iwasthinkingwecoulddoadoubledatethingwhenyougetback.”
Igroaned.
“Hearmeout.It’snotatallconvoluted.”
Thiswasgoingtobeconvoluted.
“BothofuspickthehottestguyswecanfindonTinder.Probablysomeoneposingwithafish,butthat’snotimportant.WetakethemtothecaféoutsideofNick’soffice,theonewherehegetshisluncheverydayateleven-thirty?AndthenwhenNickshowsup,weacttotallysurprisedtoseehimthere.YoupretendtotripandspillsomeredwinedownhisshirtbyaccidentwhileImakeoutwithmydate.”
Ichokedonmylaugh.
“AsmuchasI’dliketohelpyoudestroyyoursoon-to-beex-husband’sclothes,”Isaid,stilltittering,“I’mnotdatingfortheforeseeablefuture.Idon’tneedanymeninmyliferightnow.Orever.”
Shescoffed.“Yeah,well,we’reallstrong-asswomenuntilasmokealarmstartschirpingatthreea.m.onahighceilingandthere’snoonetohititwithabroombutyou.”
Isnorted.
“Seriouslythough,”shesaid,“we’veneverbeensingletogetherbefore.Weshouldembracethis.Hotgirlsummer.Itcouldbesofun.”
“IthinkI’mmoreinthemoodforGoldenGirlssummer…”
Sheseemedtomullthisover.“Thiscouldworktoo.”
Iheardmoreclankingfromoutsideandfeltthecarmove,likesomethingwasbeingattachedtothebumper.
“Wannagetdrinkstomorrow?”Briasked.
“Whattime?IhavePilates.”
“After.”
“Okay,sure.”
Inoticedmovementinthesidemirror.Themanhadstartedtowalkbackover.Istoppedpettingthedogandrolledmywindowbackuptoalmostclosed.
“Hey,”IwhisperedtoBri.“Theguy’scoming.Holdon.”
Themanpulledhisdogoffmycaragainandleaneddowntotalktomethroughtheglass.“Canyouputthecarinneutral?”heaskedthroughtheone-inchcrack.
Inodded.
“WhenIpullyouout,putitinparkandturnofftheengineuntilIgetthechainsoff.”
Inoddedagainandwatchedhimwalktohistruck.Adoorslammed,andhisenginestarted.Thenmycarlurched,andIslowlyrolledoutoftheembankmentandbacktotheroad.Hecamearoundthecarwithaflashlightandlookedatthefender.
Adragonflylandedonmyhood.Itsattherecompletelymotionlesswhilethemancrouchedtoexaminemytires.Thenheclickedoffthelightandwentbackbehindthecar.Moreclankingchainnoisesandaminutelaterhereturnedtothewindow.“Ilookedthecarover.Idon’tseeanydamage.Youshouldbefinetodrive.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid,slidingtwotwenty-dollarbillsthroughthecrack.
Hesmiled.“Thisisafreebie.Drivesafe.”
Hewentbacktohistruckandhonked,puttingupafriendlyhandashedrovepastmeintothefog.Chapter2
Daniel
Ahundredbucksifyougethertoleavewithyou,”Dougsaid,noddingattheredheadsittingatthebar.
ItwasthewomanI’dpulledfromtheditchhalfanhourago.Fifteenminuteslater,she’dwalkedintotheVFW.
Itwasnineo’clockonaTuesdaynightinApril,whichmeantthewholetownwascrammedintothebar.Thesnowhadmelted,anditwasofficiallytheoff-season.EverythingexceptforJane’sDinerandthisplacewasshutdownuntiltheriverheatedup,andJane’shadclosedateighto’clock.Thetouristsweregone,sothispoorunsuspectingwomanwasnotonlystickingoutlikeasorethumb,butshewasalsooneoftheonlywomeninthistinytownwhowasn’teitherrelatedtousorhadgrownupwithus.Shewasgoingtoberelentlesslypursued.
Iscoffedatmybestfriend,chalkingtheendofmycuestick.“Sincewhendoyouhaveahundredbucks?”
Brianlaughedfromhisbarstool.“Sincewhendoyouhavefivebucks?Andifyoudo,youbettergiveittome.Youstillowemefromdrinkstheothernight.”
“Goodluckwiththat,”Imuttered.
Dougflippedusoff.“Ihaveit.AndIhaveyourfivebuckstoo,dick,”hesaidtoBrian.“Besides,I’mnotpayingthewholebet.Loserseachputinfifty,andwhoevergetshertogohomewithyoutakesall.”
“Leaveheralone,”Isaid,takingmyshot.Theballsbouncedaroundthetable,andthesixballwentintothecornerpocket.“Thatwomanisnotgoinghomewithanyoneinthisbar.Trustme.”
Womenlikeherwantednothingtodowithguyslikeus.
ThecarI’dpulledfromtheditchwasaMercedes.Itwasworthmorethanallthreeofusprobablymadeinayear.Nottomentionshewasdressedlikeshewasheadedtoacocktailpartyonayacht.Fancydress,hugediamondstudsinherears,diamondtennisbracelet—shewasclearlyonherwaythroughtownandhadnointentionofstoppingforalayover.Infact,Iwassurprisedshe’dstoppedhereatallinsteadofdrivingtheforty-fivemoreminutestoRochestertoeat.TheVFWwasn’texactlyfinedining.
Dougwasalreadyfishingmoneyoutofhiswallet.
“I’mnotinterested,”Isaid,puttingtheeightballcleanlyintothesidepocket.“Idon’tlikebettingonotherhumanbeings.She’snotanobject.”
Dougshookhisheadatme.“Atleasttrytohavefun.”
“I’mhavingfun.”
“Ohyeah?When’sthelasttimeyouhookedupwithsomeone?”Dougasked.“It’sbeenwhat?FourmonthssinceMegan?”
“I’mnotlookingtohookup.Thanksthough.”
Seeinghewasn’tgettinganywherewithme,DougturnedhisattentiontoBrian.“Whataboutyou?Hundredbucks.”
BrianalmostimmediatelyglancedtoLiz,workingbehindthebar.
Dougrolledhiseyes.“She’smarried.Married.Youneedtogetoverit.It’sgettingdepressing.Getonadatingapporsomething.”DougtippedhisglassofSpriteatBrian.“ImettwinsonTinderlastweek.Twins.”Hebouncedhiseyebrows.
Itookmyshot.“Ohyeah?Yougottodisappointtwowomenatonce?”
Brianlaughed.
Dougignoredme.“I’mserious,man.She’snotgonnaleaveherhusband.Doyourthing.”
BrianpeeredbackatLiz.Then,almostoncue,thedoortotheVFWopened,andJakesaunteredinwearinghispoliceuniform.
Weallstoppedtowatchhimwalktothebar.Hemadehiswaythrough,slappingbacksandsayinghellolouderthannecessary,justtomakesureweallknewhe’dgraceduswithhispresence.
Hewentaroundthecounterlikeheownedtheplace,strodeovertoLiz,andpulledherintoadramatickiss.Hootingeruptedinthebar,andDougandIsharedaglance.Whatanasshole.
IlookedbackatBrian,justintimetoseethehurtmoveacrosshisface.
Hell,maybeDougwasright.Iwasn’tsayingthatbettingonwomenwastheanswer,butBriandidneedtogetoverthisshit.Lizwasn’tleavingJake—eventhoughsheshould.
Mikewalkedbyonhiswaytothebathroom,andDougnoddedathim.“Hey,Mike!Hundredbucksifyougethertoleavewithyou.”Hepointedtothewomanatthebar.
Mikestoppedandpeeredoveratherinhisglasses.Hemusthavelikedwhathesawbecausehefishedouthiswallet.“Almostdoesn’tseemfair.Igetahundredbucksandabeautifulwoman.”
Ilaughedandcheckedmywatch.“Ihavetogo.Ineedtofeedthekid,”Isaid,puttingmystickaway.
Douggroaned.“Everydamntime.”Hewavedmeoff.“Fine.Getthehellouttaherethen.”Thenhelookedovermyshoulderatthebarandnoddedatthewoman.“Hey,putinagoodwordformeonthewayout,yeah?”
“Soyouwantmetolietoher?”Iasked,shruggingonmyjacket.
BrianandMikelaughed.
Dougignoredmeandputhispoolstickonthetable.“’Bouttogetmysecretweapon.”
Ichuckledandheadedtothebar,shakingmyhead.Chapter3
Alexis
Whatchathinking?”askedthebartender,wipingdownthecounter.
Shehadblondhair,atattooofaroseonherwrist,andhot-pinklipstick.Pretty.HernamewasLiz.
Ilookedoverthemenushe’dhandedme.“What’sgood?”Iasked,notlovingtheoptions.Almosteverythingwasfried.
“Thechili’shomemade,”sheoffered.
Itwistedmylips.“Idon’treallylovechili.”
Thefogoutsidehadgottensobad,IknewIwouldn’tbeabletomakeithomebeforetheneedtoeatandusearestroomgotdesperate.Theonlygasstationintownhadbeenclosed,soIcouldn’tusethebathroomorgrabasnack.Googlekindlydirectedmetotheoneopenplacewithinfiftymiles—theVFWthatTruckGuyhadmentioned.
Theplacewas—worn.Thetablesweremismatchedwithcheapchairs.Therewerebrokenvintage-lookingbeersignsonthewalls,alongwithframedmedalsandblack-and-whitepicturesofveterans.“BennieandtheJets”blaredfromanoldjukeboxagainstthewall.AhugedeerheadwasmountedoverthebarwithrainbowChristmaslightsstrungthroughitsantlers.Itwasallverytiredandjunky.Icouldn’timaginebeinginhereunderanyothercircumstances,notinamillionyears.
AverypregnantyoungwomancameupnexttoLizandswipedakeycardintotheregisterwithahandonherlowerback
“Headingout,Hannah?”Lizasked,pouringanIPAfromthetap.
“Yeah.”Shegrimaced.“Thebaby’sgotafootrightonmybladder.”
“I’llputyourtipsintheoffice,”Lizsaid.Thenshelookedbackatme.“It’stoobadyoudidn’tdrivethroughbeforethedinerclosedupforthenight.Pickingsarekindaslimuntilit’ssummerandthetouristscomeback.”
“Tourists?”Iasked.
“Yeah.We’reontheRootRiver.Plus,we’reonlyatwo-hourdrivefromtheTwinCities,sowegetalotofweekendwarriors.Rightnow,though,it’sjustthetownies.Andthey’reallhere.Alllllthreehundredandfiftyofus.”Shelaughed,noddingatthepackedbar.
Ipivotedonmystool.Itwastrue.Therewasn’tanemptyseatinthewholeplace.
AsIscannedthecrowd,Ispottedtheguywho’dtowedmeout,overbythepooltable.
Hereallywascute.
Nowthathisjacketwasoff,Icouldseehehadanicebodytoo.Hehadthatruggedlumberjackthinggoingon.Beard,darkbrownhair,hazeleyes,dimples.Tall.Heworeaflannelandjeans.Hissleeveswererolledupandhehadcolorfultattoosonbothforearms.
Iturnedawaybeforehenoticedmelooking.
Abellchimed,andLizlookedupovermyhead.Somethingnervousflickeredacrossherface,butshesmiled.Iturnedtofollowhergaze.Apoliceofficerwascomingin—ahandsomeone.Hewastall,welloversixfeet.Browneyes,thickbrownhair.Afitbodypressedagainsthistansheriff’suniform.Agunsatholsteredonhiship,andagoldbadge
“Hey,baby.”Lizsmiledathimashecamearoundthecounter.
Heleanedinandplantedakissonher.Afewpeoplewhistled.
Hetippedupherchin.“Ibroughtyoursweater,”hesaid,speakingtohereyes.Heputabundleofwhitefabricintoherhands.“Youleftitinthecruiser.”
“That’ssosweet.”Lizlookeddownatit.“Oh,Jake,thisis…”Shestopped,realizingI’dnevertoldhermyname.Jaketurnedtomeandseemedtonoticemeforthefirsttime.
“Alexis,”Isaid.“Nicetomeetyou.”
“WelcometoWakan.”Hepronounceditwah-kahn.“Igottagetgoing,”hesaidtohiswife.“I’llbeheretogetyouatmidnight.”Hekissedherandtippedhisheadatmebeforeleaving.
Ipuffedairfrommycheeksandlookedbackatthemenu.Iwasconsideringleavingwithoutordering.Nothinglookedgood.“Sobesidesthechili,whatelseshouldItry?”Iasked.
“Hey,”amalevoicesaid,comingupbehindme,talkingtoLiz.“Ineedtocloseoutmytab.”
Iglancedup.ItwasTruckGuy.
Lizsmiledathim.“Turninginearly,huh?”
“Ihavetofeedthekid,”hesaid.Thenheturnedtomeandsmiled.“Hi.”
“Hello,”Isaid,movingtofacehim.“Wemeetagain.”
“Andundermuchbettercircumstances,”hesaid.
Ismiled.“Thankyouforearlier.Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“IthinkIdid.”Henoddedatamanattheendofthebar,lookingred-eyedanddisheveledwithsevenemptybeerglassesinfrontofhim.“Thatwasyourknightinshiningtowtruck.”
Isuckedairthroughmyteeth.“Iwouldhavebeenthereallnight.”
“Nah,oneofuswouldhavestopped.Fiveorsixhours,tops.”
Ilaughed,andhesmiledatme.“I’mDaniel.”Heofferedmeahand.
“Alexis,”Isaid,takingit.Hispalmwasroughandwarm.
“IthinkIshouldgiveyouaheads-up,”hesaid,givingmebackmyhandandleaningonthebar.“Youseethoseguysoverthere?”Henoddedtothreemenhuddledaroundthepooltable.“Theyhaveabetgoingthattheycangetyoutoleavewithoneofthem.”
Lizmadeagroaningnoisefrombehindtheregister.“They’resuchassholes,”shemuttered,swipinghiscard.“Briantoo?”sheasked.
“Nah,justMikeandDoug.”Hepointed.“Youseetheguywiththeglasses?”hesaidtome.
Itwistedinmystooltolookoveratthemen.“Yeah…”
“Questionablerash.”
IsnortedandLizletoutalaugh.
“ThetallwhiteguyintheCarharttjacketlivesinhismom’sbasement,”hesaid,goingon.Thesandyblondmanwasgrinninginourdirectionandwaving.“Inaboutfiveminuteshe’sgoingtoprocureaguitarfromsomewhere.”Helookedatme.“He’sgoingtoplay‘MoreThanWords’byExtremeandhe’sgoingtodoitvery,verybadly.”
Lizwaslaughingassheslidhischargedraftinfrontofhim.“It’strue.God,whyisittrue.”
Whilehesignedhisreceipt,Iglancedatit.Itwasonlytendollars,butheleftaten-dollartip.Heflippeditupsidedownandpushedawayfromthebar.“Anyway,goodluck.”Hestartedfortheexit.
“Wait,”Isaidafterhim.
Hestoppedandlookedbackatme.
“Howmucharetheybetting?”
Heshrugged,pullingouthiskeys.“Ahundredbucks.”
“Andwhataboutyou?You’renotinonthisbet?”
Heshookhishead.“That’snotmything.”
“No?Well,whatifIleftwithyou?Wouldyouwinthemoney?”
Hewrinkledhisforeheadatme.“Idon’tfollow.”
“IthinkI’mgoingtoleaveanyway.Youcouldwalkoutwithme.Winthebet.”
Hesmiled.“You’ddothat?”
Ishrugged.“Sure.”
Heglancedoveratthemenacrosstheroom.
CarharttJacketwasholdingaguitar.
Daniel’seyescamebacktomine,andasmileplayedatthecornersofhislips.“Ifwedoit,wesplitthemoney.”
IturnedtoLiz.“Liz,onascalefromonetoserialkiller,howdangerousisthisman?AmIsafetowalkoutintoadarkparkinglotwithhim?”
Shesmiled.“DanielistheonlyguyI’dleavethisbarwith.”
“Idon’tknowhowIfeelaboutthat,”hesaid.“You’remycousin.”
Shelaughed.“He’sharmless.”
“Andhe’llkeepuphisendofthebargainandpayme?”Iasked.
Shedriedatumblerwitharag.“Evenifthoseidiotsdon’tkeepuptheirendofthebargainandpayhim,he’llpayyou.It’sthekindofpersonheis.”
IlookedbackatDaniel,andheshrugged.“I’mnotanasshole.It’smyfavoritethingaboutmyself.”
Ifeltmysmilereachmyeyes.Hewasfunny.
“Okay,”Isaid.“Wehaveadeal.”Inoddedatthebarstoolnexttome.“Butsitandtalktomeforabit.Otherwisetheywon’tbelieveyouwooedme.”
Helookedathiswatch.Thenheseemedtodecidehehadtimeandtookaseat.
“So,tellmeaboutyourself,”Isaid.“Whatdoyoudo?”
“I’mapropertymanager,”hesaid.
Lizlaughedfrombehindthecounterwhereshewaspouringbeerfromthetap.“He’sthemayor.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“Wow,themayor?”
Hegaveheralook.“It’smoreofanhonorarytitle.Thisisasmalltown.Mydutiesareveryminimal.”
Lizshookherhead.“He’sbeinghumble.He’ssortofeverythingaroundhere.CallsbingoonSaturdaynights,volunteerfirefighter.He’sevenSanta.”Shenoddedtooneoftheframedarticlesabovethecashregister.
SantaComestoWakan.
ThearticlewasaccompaniedbyacolorphotoofafatSantaClauswithalittleboyonhisknee.
Ilookedbackathimwithasmile,andhechangedthesubject.“Andwhatdoyoudo?”
Ishrugged.“Nothingworthmentioning.”
Ididn’tlikegivingoutmypersonalinformationtoastranger.
Hedidn’tpushit.
“Okay,”hesaid.“AndwhatbringsyoutoWakan?”
“I’mcomingfromafuneral.”
Hisfacewentserious.“Oh.I’msorrytohearthat.”
“AuntLilwasninety-eight,andshehadaverygoodlife.Manylovers,asshelikedtosay.”
Hesmiled.
“IliveinMinneapolis.I’mjustdrivingthrough.Hey,isitalwaysthisfoggyouthere?”
“There’sfogoutside?”Lizasked,lookingsurprised.
Danielshookhishead.“Never.It’sweird,actually.”
“Huh.Soyouhaveakid?”Iasked.
Helookedathiswatchagain.“Ido.Chloe.”
“Howold?”
“Oneweek.”
“Oh,”Isaid,pullingmyfacebackinsurprise.“She’slittle.”
Hewasn’twearingaweddingring—notthatthatmeantanything.Hecouldhaveakidwithoutbeingmarried.
“Soyouhaveagirlfriend?”Iasked.
Heshookhishead.“Iwouldn’thavetakenthiswagerifIdid.”
“Well,you’renotactuallytakingmehome,”Ipointedout.
“ButI’mpretendingto.Iwouldn’tdisrespectmytheoreticalgirlfriend.”Hegrinned.
Ihadtostifleasmile.“Soyou’renotwithyourbaby’smother?”
Helookedamused.“Definitelynot.I’mfostering.”
Lizsmiled.“Chloeissoooocute.He’ssuchagooddaddytoher.”Shenoddedathim.“Showherapicture.”
Hepulledouthisphoneandswiped.Thenhehelditouttome.
Alaughburstfrommylips.“Yourkidisababygoat?Inpajamas?”
“Sheis.Shegoeshomeinafewweeks.ShebelongstoDoug.Theguitarguy.MomhasmastitisandDougcouldn’tdomiddle-of-the-nightfeedings,soIvolunteeredtohelp.”
“Soletmegetthisstraight,”Isaid,crossingmylegs.“Dougistryingtoseducemewithapoorlysungversionof‘MoreThanWords’whenhehasanentirebabygoat?Ifyouhaveababygoat,youalwaysleadwith‘Ihaveababygoat.’”
Hechuckled.“TechnicallyIhavethebabygoat.”
Lizputiceintoatumbler.“IkeeptellinghimhisTinderprofilecouldbenothingbutapictureofChloeandanaddress.”
Ilaughed.
Danielsmiledandnoddedoverhisshoulder.“Aretheywatchingus?”heasked
Myeyesflickeredovertothepooltable.“Oh,yes.”Ilookedbackathim.“CarharttJacketDougistuninghisguitar.SohowmuchtimedoyouthinkwehaveuntilI’mserenaded?”
“I’dsayanotherminuteortwo.”
“Okay.”Ileanedforward.“I’mgoingtopretendthatyoujustsaidsomethingreallyfunnyandI’mgoingtolaugh.Thenwecanwrapthisup.”
Heputahandtohischin.“Whatkindoflaugh?”
“Whatkind?”
“Yeah.IntheorywhateverI’msayingtoyouhastobegoodenoughtomakeyouleavewithmeafteronlyknowingmeforfiveminutes.It’sgoingtohavetolookprettyconvincing.I’mthinkingJuliaRoberts?”
Thisactuallydidmakemelaugh,whichmadehimlaugh—anditwasadorable.Hiswarmgolden-greeneyescreasedatthecornersanditlithiswholeface.
God,hehadanicesmile.Reallynice.Somethingaboutitdartedmerightintheheart,tookalittleofmybreathaway.
Wesatthere,stillcrackingup,andIfoundmyselfbitingmylipandleaningintohimalittle,andIrealizedwithshockthatIwasflirting.Like,actuallyflirting,notpretending.
I’dbeenwithNeilsevenyears.IthoughtNeilwouldbethelastmanI’deverbewith.ThenI’dbrokenupwithhimandItoldmyselfthatIwasdone.Nomoremen.Ididn’tneedone.Ididn’tneedthehassle.Icompletelyrejectedtheideaofdatingeveragain.I’dboughtaverynicevibratorandI’dretiredmyselffromthepoolatthirty-seven.Zerointerest.
AndnowIwasflirting
Itwaslikefindingoutaplantyoukilledwasaliveafterallandjustneededwater.
“Uh-oh,Doug’scoming,”Lizwhispered.
ItoremygazeawayfromDaniel.Doughadbegunweavinghiswaythroughhigh-toptablestowardthebar,guitarinhand.
“Timetogo,”Danielsaid.
Thenhetookmyhand,helpedmedownfromthebarstool,andwalkedmeout.Chapter4
Daniel
Igrabbedherhand.Weweretryingtolookcomfortablewitheachother.Ifigureditwasincharacter.Brazen,butincharacter.
Shedidn’tpullaway.
Theguyswatchedmewithslackjawsaswemadeourwayoutofthebar.Iputmyotherhandlowandflippedthemoff.
Whenwegotoutintotheparkinglot,Iletgoofher.Ipulledthebillsoutofmywalletandhandedthemtoher.
Shetookthecash,countedit,andthentuckeditintomyshirtpocket.
“Uh,thedealwasfifty-fifty,”Isaid,diggingforthemoneytogiveitback.
“I’mpayingyouforthetowservice.”
“Nope.Idon’taccept,”Isaid,handingherthewadofbills.
Shecrossedherarms.
“Youdidthelion’sshare,”Isaid,holdingitout.“Youearnedit.”
“Iwouldn’tevenbehereifyouhadn’thauledmeoutoftheditch.IwouldhavepaidDrunkCarlalotmorethanfiftybucks.AndIgettodecidewhattodowithmyill-gottengains.That’showill-gottengainswork.”Shegavemeawrygrin.
Ishookmyheadwithasmile.Icouldseeshewasn’tgoingtofold,andIdidn’tfighthertoohardbecauseifIwasn’tgoingtobeoutfiftybucks,Iwouldn’thittheguysupforthemoneytomorrow.Financesweretightforeveryoneintheoff-season.Andanyway,thishadbeenwellworththeentertainmentvaluealone.
“Sodoyoudothisoften?”Iasked,puttingthebillsbackinmywallet.“Ihavetosay,thiswasthehighlightofmyweek.”
Shesmiled.“Mustbeaslowweek.”
Ilaughedalittle.
Asoftbreezeblewastrandofhairacrossherfaceandshedraggeditawaywithafinger.God,shewasgorgeous.Redhair,fairskin,frecklespepperinghernose.Deepbrowneyes.Athletic.I’dseenmorethansheprobablyintendedwhenshewasgettingchangedinhercar.Icouldsmellherperfume.Ididn’tknowwhatitwas,butmyguesswasitwassomethingexpensive.
Thiswasawomansofaroutofmyleagueitwasn’tevenfunny.Itwashardtobelievethatshewasevenhere,standinginthisparkinglotfullofcrackedasphaltinthemiddleofnowhere,wearingthatdressandthoseheels.Likeamodelhadwanderedawayfromaphotoshootforafashionmagazineandgottenlost.
Andshewasrightaboutthefog.IthuggedtheedgesoftheparkinglotliketherewasaninvisibleforcefieldaroundtheVFW.Itwasweird.Andnotgreattodrivein,that’sforsure.
Westoodthereforamoment.Thenshenoddedtohercar.“Well,Ibettergetgoing.Youhavetofeedyourkid—hey,isthereanywheretogetfoodcloseby?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Rochester’stheclosestcitytoWakan,andthat’sforty-fiveminutesnorth.”
Shepursedherlips.“That’swhatIthought.Okay,well.Itwasnicehustlingyourfriendswithyou.”
“Yeah,youtoo.”
Shesmiledatmeforanothermoment.Thensheturnedandheadedforhercar,andIstoodthere,watchingher.
“Hey,”Icalled.
Sheturned.“Yeah?”
“Icouldmakeyousomethingtoeat.Atmyplace.”
“Whatareyougoingtomakeme?BecauseI’maverypickyeater,”shesaidwithoutskippingabeat.
Ismiled.“Well,Idon’thaveanydinosaurchickennuggetsifthat’swhatyou’rehopingfor.”
Thisdrewalaugh,andIgrinned.
Imentallyscouredthecontentsofmyfridge.“Probablyagrilledcheese?Withfreshtomatoandbasilinit?”
Shearchedaneyebrow.“Freshtomatoandbasil?”
“Ihaveagarden.”
“Idon’tdoone-nightstands.”
Ilaughed.“Well,thatescalatedquickly.”
“I’mserious.I’veneverhadoneandIneverwill.Ifyourgoalisthat,you’regoingtobeseverelydisappointed.”
“Mygoalisnotthat,”Isaidhonestly,smilingather.
Shenodded,takingafewstepsuntilshestoodlookingupatme.“Okay.ButIhavetoinformyouthatI’mbringingmyTaser.”
“Fairenough.”
“AndIwilldefinitelyuseitifIhaveto.”Shegavemeasternlook.
Imadeamatchingseriousface.“Youwon’thaveto.ButIbelieveyou.Youlookviolent.”
Shefoughtalaugh,tryingtokeepherseriousexpression.“AndI’mtakingmyowncar.You’renotdrivingme.”
“Ofcourse.”
“Onelastthing.”Shecockedherhead.“Isthereanyoneoutthereundertheimpressionthattheyareinarelationshipwithyou?”
Ilaughed.“It’sjustagrilledcheese,youknow.It’snotthatserious.”
“Oh,Iknow.ButifIwasundertheimpressionthatIwasinarelationshipwithsomeoneandIcamehometofindthemmakingagrilledcheeseforanotherwoman,Iwouldnotbehappy.”
“IsaidIdidn’thaveagirlfriend.”
“Completelydifferentquestion.”
“No,”Isaid,smiling.“Nobodyisundertheimpressionthatthey’reinarelationshipwithme.Isthereanyoneouttherewhoisundertheimpressionthatthey’reinarelationshipwithyou?”
Shelaughed.“No.”
“Okay.”
Shesmiled.“Okay.”
Iwokeupthenextmorningatsixa.m.,nakedandhappyafterhavingthebestdateofmyentirelife.
AndthenIrealizedshewasgone.Chapter5
Alexis
Itiptoedintomyownhousewithoutturningonthelightslikeateenagersneakinginaftercurfew.
Itwassix-thirtyinthemorning,Ihadoneshoeon,myhairwasatangledmess,Iwascakedinmudandfarmanimalfur,andIwaswearingahoodieI’dstolenonthewayout.
I’dpanicked.
I’dpanicked,andIranwhilehewasasleep.
Iwokeupinastrangeman’sbedinadustygarageinatowninthemiddleofnowhereafterhavingwhatwasadmittedlythebestsexofmyentirelife—withatwenty-eight-year-old.
Hewastwenty-eight
I’dgottenuptousethebathroomandputonhishoodie.WhenIwaswashingmyhands,hiswalletfelloutofthepocket,opentohisdriver’slicense.
Iknewhewasyoungerthanme.Ijustdidn’trealizehewasalmostadecadeyoungerthanme.
I’dhadaone-nightstandwithatotalstranger,whowasadecadeyoungerthanme.
WhatwasIdoing?Ididn’tdothingslikethis.Ididn’thavecasualsex.Ididn’tdoriskybehavior.I’dmadeNeilwaittwomonthsbeforeI’dsleptwithhim,andwhenIfinallydiditwasduringaverywell-plannedromantictriptoMexico.I’dspentaweekpickingoutthelingerieIwasgoingtowear,andIgotwaxedandexfoliated,andtherewerepetalsonthebed.I’dneverhadsexwithanyonewhowasn’tmyboyfriendinmyentirelife.AndnowI’djustmadeanexceptionwithaguyI’djustmetwhowasalmostasyoungasNeil’sson.
Icompletelyfreakedout.
I’dgottendressedandfledinthenight,steppingindogpooponthewayout.Ormaybeitwaspigpoop?Orgoatpoop?Whateveritwas,therewassomuchofitthatitsuckedmyshoerightoffmyfootandIleftitlikealizardsheddingitstailtomakeitsescape.
Ihobbledintomydarklivingroom,tossingmykeysonthecredenza.
“Wherewereyou?”
IgaspedatthephantommalevoicecomingfromthedirectionofNeil’sfavoritearmchair.Andthenalightflickedonandmyheartstartedbeatingagain.
“Derek!OhmyGod,youscaredmehalftodeath.”
Mytwinbrotherbeamedatmefromtherecliner.“Hey,sis.”Thenhelookedmeoverandsatup,worried.“Areyouokay?”
Iscoffedandlookeddownatmydestroyeddressandbarefoot.“Yeah.”Iblewoutabreath.“I’mfine.How’dyougetinhere?”
“Youralarmcodeisthesameoneyouuseforyourphone.”
“Youknowthecodetomyphone?”Ireachedbackandtookoffmyloneheel.
“Iknowallyourcodes.Evenwhenyouchangethem.”
Ilaugheddryly.MybrotherandIhadatouchoftwintelepathygoingon.Alwayshad.
“Whatareyoudoingback?”Iasked,paddingacrosstheroominmybarefeetandfloppingonthesofa.“IthoughtyouwereinCambodiaforanothersixweeks.”
“Camebackearly.”
“ButnotearlyenoughtosavemefromhalfaweekinCedarRapidsalonewithourparents,”Ideadpanned.
“Wildhorsescouldn’thavedraggedmethere.”
Ilaughedagain,leaningmyheadbackonthesofaandclosingmyeyes.
“Isthatahickey?”
Myheadshotup.“WHAT!?”Iboltedoffthecouchandrantothemirroroverthecredenza,lookingatmyneck.
“Damn,”Ibreathed,seeingthequarter-sizepurpleblotchbymyear.
“That’salittletenth-graderetro,don’tyouthink,sis?AndI’mslightlypissedatyoufornottellingmeyougotbackwithNeil.”
Igroaned,touchingthesplotchwithmyfinger.“Ididn’t.”
Derekeyedme.“Thenwhogaveyouthat…”Heseemedtonoticemyhoodieatthesametime.“Andsincewhendoyouwearcamo?”
“Idon’t,”Isaid,groaningatthemark.IwasgoingtohavetoputaBand-Aidoverit,itwassobig.Ipulledthehoodieopenandrolledmyeyes.Therewasahickeyonmybreasttoo.Ilookedagain.Bothofthem.
Derekwaitedinsilenceformetoelaborate.
“Imetsomeone.It’sover,”Isaid,abandoningmyexamination,droppingbackdownonthesofa,andscrubbingmyhandsovermyface.
“Youmetsomeone?When?”
Ilolledmyheadtolookathim.“Abouttenhoursago?”
Heblinkedatme.“Okay.You’rehavingamidlifecrisis.I’veseenthisbefore.Wecangetyouhelp.”
Ilaughed.God,Iprobablywashavingamidlifecrisis.HowelsecouldIexplainthis?
“Mycargotstuckonthewayhomefromthefuneralandthisguytowedmeout.Hewasniceandverycute,andIwenthomewithhimtoeatagrilledcheese—whichwasreallygood,actually.Hemadeitfromstuffinhisgreenhouse.Thentherewasthisloosepigrunningaroundanditgotmudalloverme—”
“Apig?”Helookedamused.
“Yeah.Itcamerunningoutofthewoods.Scaredthecrapoutofme.Itwaslikethreehundredpounds.Iguessitgotloosefromanearbyfarmorsomething?Itwasfriendly.Ipettedit.Thenadogjumpedonmetoo.Theguyhadababygoatinpajamasand—”
Heputupahand.“Saynomore,thatexplainseverything.”
Ilaughedtiredly.
“Anyway,it’snotgoingtobeathing,”Imumbled.“Ididn’tevengethislastname.”
“Didyouuseprotection?”
“Yes.Ofcourse.IstillhavemyIUDandheusedacondom.”
Afewofthem,actually…Iblushedthinkingaboutit.
“Good.Well,I’mgladyou’rehavingfun—andthatitwasn’tNeil.”
Iscoffed.“Yeah,same.”
“Iseehisstuffisstillhere.”Henoddedtothegarage.
Irubbedmyforehead.“Ipackeditallup,butherefusestocomegetit.”
Derekleanedforwardwithhiselbowsonhisknees.“I’msorryIwasn’therewhenithappened,”hesaidseriously.
“It’sfine.Youweresavingtheworld,”Isaidwearily.
DerekhadbeengoneforsixmonthsdoingvolunteerworkwithDoctorsWithoutBorders.Hewasaplasticsurgeon.Agoodone.Hewasouttheretreatingburnvictimsandchildrenwithcleftlips.Icouldhardlybeupsetthathewasn’theretotellNeiltogotohellinperson—thoughasIunderstandit,hedefinitelydidviasatellitephone.
Ilookedoverathim.“Whyareyouback?Theyletyououtearly?”
Aslowsmilecreptacrosshisface.“Icantellyou,butyouhavetosignanNDA.”
Ilaughed,thinkingitwasajoke,buthereachedintoamessengerbagrestingonthesideofthechairandpulledoutapieceofpaperandapen.
Iblinkedathim.“You’rekiddingme.”
“Look,Iwouldn’taskifitwasn’ttokeepapromise.”Hesliditacrossmycoffeetableatme.
Ieyedhim.“YouwantmetosignanNDAbeforeyou,mybrotherandclosestconfidant,cantellmewhyyou’reinmylivingroom.”
Hepushedthepapertowardmeanotherinchandtappedanindexfingeronthesignatureline.
Ishookmyheadandpickeditup,scanningit.“Whatisthis?”
Heputupahandtoquietme.“Justsign,andthenIcantellyoueverything.”
Isighed.“Okay,”Imumbled,scrawlingmynameonthedottedline.Isetitbackonthetableandtossedthepenontop.“Youhaveyourpaperwork.Tellme.”
“Igotmarried.”
Iboltedstraightup.“WHAT?!”
Hewasbeaming.“Lastweekend.I’vebeenseeingherforsixmonths.”
Igawkedathim.“Andyoudidn’ttellme?”
“Icouldn’t.Ipromised.Itwasimportanttoher.”
“But…butyoutellmeeverything,”Isaid,incredulous.
Henodded.“Iknow.Whichshouldtellyouhowimportanthertrustistome.”
Isatdeeperintothesofa,myeyesmovingbackandforthacrossmylap.“Married…”Ibreathed.Ilookedupathim.“Towho?”
“HernameisNikki.She’sarecordingartist.Afamousone.ShewasinCambodiasettingupawomen’shomeforsurvivorsofsextrafficking.”
Iscannedmylimitedknowledgeofcurrentrecordingartists.“Nikki…Nikkiwho?”
“HerstagenameisLolaSimone.”
“No,”Isaid.
Hewasgrinning.
“YouarenotmarriedtoLolaSimone.”
“Iam.”Hepulledouthisphoneandhandedittome.
Istaredatthepictureofthetwoofthemtogetherinwhatappearedtobeaweddingphoto.
LolaSimonewasahuge,LadyGaga–levelrockstar.Onlyshedidn’tlookthewayshedidinthetabloidsinthesepictures.Shelookednormal.Shoulder-lengthbrownhair,amodestwhitedresswithaflowerlei.Derekwasinwhitelinen,beaming.
“She’sincredible,Ali.ThemostremarkablewomanI’veevermet.”
Iraisedmyeyestohim.“Andyoumarriedher.Withoutmethere?”
Hissmilefelltheslightestbit.“Noonewastherebutheragent,Ernie.Wehadtokeepitsmall,”hesaid,takinghisphoneback.“Herprivacyissuperimportanttoher.Shegetsrecognizedeverywhereshegoes.Shehasnoanonymity.Thepaparazzihoundherconstantly.Itwasjusteasiertodoitthereanddoitquietly.”
“Well,whenamIgoingtomeether?Youdidn’tbringher?”
“She’stoobusywithherprojecttoleave.Andshedoesn’tlikecomingbackhere.”
“Well,she’sgoingtohavetocomebackeventually.Youlivehere,andyourvolunteerworkendsinafewweeks.”
Hissmilefellagain.“Ali,I’mnotcomingback.”
Iblinkedathim.“What?Whatdoyoumeanyou’renotcomingback?”
“I’mmovingtoCambodiatobewithmywife.”
Thenewspunchedmerightinthegut.“MovingtoCambodia…”Isaid,disbeliefinmyvoice.
“Togetherwomen’shomeupandrunning.Todomorevolunteerwork.Theyneedsurgeonsandthere’salotofgoodwecandothere.”
Isatbackintothesofa.Thenthetrueimpactofwhathe’dsaidhitme.Iraisedmyeyestohim.“No.Youcan’tleavemeherewithhim.”
Hemanagedtolookevensorrierthanhealreadydid.“You’llbeokay.”
Ishookmyhead.“No.No,Imostdefinitelywillnotbeokay.Youcan’tdothistome,Derek.Ican’tkeepworkingwithNeil.Ican’t.Itriedit.I’malreadyapplyingtootherhospitals.Ican’tseehimeveryday.”
Hedraggedahanddownhismouth.Hedidn’tanswerme.Hestudiedsomeplacebehindme.Hecouldn’tlookmeintheeye.
IwasaMontgomery.
AMontgomeryhadworkedatRoyaumeNorthwesternHospitalsincethedayitwasbuiltin1897.Icamefromafamilyoflegendarydoctorswhomadehugestridesinmedicaladvancementsoverthedecades.TheywerepowerfulphilanthropistswhomadepossiblethebulkoftheprogramsandclinicaltrialsthatRoyaumewasfamousfor.Itwasmyfamily’slegacy.WeweretheVanderbiltsandtheCarnegiesofthemedicalworld.LastyeartheHistoryChannelmadeadocumentaryaboutitaspartoftheirTitansofIndustryseries.Halfthehospitalwasnamedafterus.TherewasaMontgomeryMemorialGarden.AMontgomeryPediatricWing.Therehadneverbeenasingledayinalmostahundredandtwenty-fiveyearsthatRoyaumedidn’thaveaMontgomeryonstaff.Itwasmorethanatradition,itwasaninstitution.
MomandDadhadbeenthere,buttheyretiredinMarch.DerekwasthereandsowasI.ButwithDerekleaving…
Itwasgoingtohavetobeme.Iwasgoingtohavetostay.
Icouldn’tbetheMontgomerywhoundidit.Icouldn’tdismantlethefranchise.Itwouldliterallygodowninthehistorybooks.
ItwaslikeI’djustbeenhandedalifesentence.Andheknewit.
“Look,”hesaid.“Maybeit’stimetobreakthechain.Thehospitalisn’tgoingburndownifaMontgomeryisn’tonstaff—”
“Great.Goodidea.HowaboutIleavefirstandthenyouquit.”Icockedmyhead,andhepressedhislipsintoaline.“That’swhatIthought.”
Heavertedhiseyes.“AnychanceNeilwillmove?”
“He’sthechiefofsurgery.He’sbeenatRoyaumefortwentyyears.Ithinkwehaveabetterchanceofhimgettingstruckbylightningthanhimgoinganywhereelse.”
Helookedbackatmeandsatquietforamoment.“I’msorry.Iknowthepositionthisputsyouin.”
Ilookedathim,hopelessnesswashingoverme.
“Youdon’tknowwhatit’slike,Derek—thewayNeilchipsawayatme.He’llstarttogaslightme,makemefeellikeIdeservedwhathedid,andI’llgetsoconfusedandbrokendownandtiredthatI’lllethimbackinoutofsheerexhaustion.Ihavetoleave,Derek.Idon’thaveanyotherwaytoprotectmyself.”
Hepausedforalongmoment.“Ihavetolivemylife,Ali.Andthat’swithNikki,doingwhatIknowI’mmeanttodo.”
Iputmyfaceinmyhands.
Wewentquietforalongtime.
“HowdidInotfeelit?”Iwhispered.“HowdidInotknowthatyouwerefallinginloveanddecidingsomethingsobig?Ishouldhavesensedit.Itshouldhavefeltlikeaglitchinthematrix.”
“HowdidInotknowNeilwashurtingyouuntilyoutoldme?”
Isniffedandtookmyfacefrommyhands,butIcouldn’tlookathim.
“Hespentsomanyyearstakingpiecesofme,”Isaidquietly.“I’mtryingtoputmyselfbacktogether,andnowIhavetodoitwithoutyou?Andwithhimalwaysthere?”
Heinchedclosertotheedgeofthesofa.“Youarestrongenoughforthis.AndallyourfriendsareatRoyaume.Don’tlethimrunyouoff.Youdeservetobethereifthat’swhereyouwanttobe.”
Yes,myfriendswerethere.Jessica,andBri,andGabby.Butthatdidn’toutweighhavingtoworkwithNeilfortherestofmylife—anditwouldbetherestofmylife.Therewasnooneelse.
RightnowNeilwasplayingtheremorsefulex.Butitwouldn’tlast.Oncehesawhewasn’tgoingtogetmeback,he’dswitchstrategies,anditwouldgetmean.
Healwaysgotmean.
Iputmyfacebackinmyhands.“WhyamIthelastinthedwindlingMontgomerybreedingprogram?It’slikesomecrueljoke.”
MomandDadhadmeandDerekforthesolepurposeofcontinuingthefamilyline.Bred,molded,groomed,andtoldfrommyearliestagethatIwasdestinedtoworkatRoyaumeNorthwesternandIwasnottotakemyhusband’snameifIevergotmarried.Butitwasn’tsupposedtobemeinthelimelight.ItwassupposedtobeDerek
Ifeltahandonmyarm.“Don’tletthemdecidethelifeyou’regoingtolive.Youonlygetone.”
Thewordshungtherebetweenus.ButIwastooweaktopickthemup.
Derekknewthetruth.Ihadnochoiceinthematternow.
I’dnever,evergetaway.Chapter6
Alexis
SixdayslaterIsatwithBriatthenurses’stationintheemergencydepartmentatRoyaumeNorthwestern.Ihadn’tseenheroverthelastweek—mostlybecausewedidn’thaveanysharedshifts,andIwastoobusywithmybrothertotalkonthephoneordothedrinkswe’dplanned.DerekleftonSaturday,backtohisnewwife,aftertellingourparentsthathewasleavingforgood.
Dad,asexpected,completelylostit.
Hedidn’tsayit,mostlybecauseIdon’tthinkhehadtimetogatherhisthoughtsinthechaosofDerek’sNDAandmarriageannouncement,butIcouldsensethedisappointmentdescendingonme,likehewasrealizingthatIwasallthatwasleftofthegreatMontgomery/Royaumelegacy,andallwastobelost.
Derekhadalwaysbeenthegoldenchild,soithadn’tmatteredthatIwasalwaysmildlydisappointingintermsofmyaccomplishments.Ididn’twanttopublishpapersinmedicaljournalsordospeakingengagements,likehedid.Ihatedthespotlight.Ijustwantedtohelppeople.
ButnowastheonlyMontgomeryonstaff,anythingotherthancompleteandtotalprofessionaldominationwouldbeconsideredanembarrassmenttomyprestigiouslineage—andIwasalreadyofftoabadstart.Iwasn’tasurgeon,Iwasn’tpioneeringanymedicaladvancements,myfacewouldnotappearonmagazinecovers.ItwaslikeDadjustfoundoutthemostuselessprincesshadascendedthethrone.
Briclickedawayathercomputernexttome.Shewaschartingherpatients.Herbrownhairwastiedupintoaloosebun,andshehadherstethoscopedrapedaroundherneck.ShelookedliketheresultsofaPinterestsearchfor“beautifulphysician.”
BrianaOrtizwasanERdoctorlikeme.We’dmetinmedschool.Shewasthirty-four,Salvadorean,andverygoodatherjob.
“So,”Brisaid,“areyougoingtotellmewhathappened?Therumormill’schuggingoutastorythatDerekquit?”Shedidafinaltapandturnedtome.
Ilookedatherovermyreadingglasses.“It’snotarumor.”
“They’realsosayinghewaswearingaweddingring.”Shegavemearaisedeyebrow.
“ThatIcannotdiscuss,”Isaid,doingmyownfinaltaponmykeyboard.“IsignedanNDA.”
“YourownbrothermadeyousignanNDA,”shedeadpanned.
“Hedid.It’sbeenawholeweekoffirsts.”
Anursecameoutofroomfour.“NunchuckGuy’shere.Again.”
Igroaned.
“SendhimtoCT,”wecalledinunison.Brilookedbackatme.“Sowhat’dyoudoallweek?”
Isighed.“HungoutwithDerekandmyparents.WewenttothatnewrestaurantinWayzataonFriday,andMomdecideditwasthetimeandplacetogivemeherTeamNeilspeechaboutgoingwithhimtocouple’scounseling.Saidhedeservesasecondchance.Ifeellikehe’saskingpeopletotalktome.Thisisthesecondattemptedinterventionthisweek.”
“Themanbonedananesthesiologist.Whoyouhavetoworkwith.Whatdoesn’tyourfamilyget?”
Irubbedmytempletiredly.Itwasn’tjustNeil’scheating.BriandDerekweretheonlyoneswhoknewtherealreasonwhyIwasn’tgivinghimanotherchance.Briwouldn’tpeeonNeilifhewasonfireafterwhathe’dputmethroughthelastcoupleofyears.
Buteveryoneelse?EveryonelovedNeil.Myparents,ourfriends.Hewasthelifeoftheparty,everyone’sbuddy
“Imean,theyallstartedoffsympatheticenough,”Imumbled.“Howcouldhe?Ihopeyouthrewhimoutonhisass.Blahblahblah.ButthenJessica’sbirthdaycameupandeveryonewenttothelakehouse,andNeilandIweren’tthere,andIthinkitfinallystartedtohiteveryonethatlifeasweallknewitforthelastsevenyearsisover.Thenitsuddenlyflippedto,Well,haveyouconsideredcounseling?Itwasjustthatonewoman,hemadeamistakeandheknowsit.Ithinkhe’ssleepingonafutonatCam’s,”Iaddedwearily.
Brimadeadisgustednoise.“Theman’sasurgeon.He’sgottasleeponhistwenty-two-year-old’ssofa?Hecan’tgetadamnapartment?”
“Ithinkthesecondhedoes,thiswholethingsuddenlybecomesreal.”
“Good.Ihopehisdickshrivelsupandfallsoff.Forreal.”Shepickeduphericedcoffee.“Whatdidyourdadsayaboutit?”sheasked,talkingaroundthestraw.
“It’sgoingtopissyouoff,”Iwarned.
“Tellme.”
“HesaidthatNeilisbrilliantandthatsometimesbrilliantpeoplemakemundanemistakes.”
Shescoffed.“Yeah,well,you’rebrillianttoo,andIdon’tseeyouhumpinganesthesiologists.”
“HealsosaidhehopesIcometomysensessoonbecausethesummerholidaysarecomingup.”
“Hedidn’t.”Shegasped.
“Oh,yeah.Hedid.AndDerekleftmealone,trappedforthreedaysinCedarRapidswiththis.”
“Iwanttocagefightyourwholefamily.”
Isnorted.“Yeah,metoo.”
“Whydidn’tyoujusttellyourdadtogotohell?”
Mylaughwasforajokemuchfunnierthanthisone.
“YoudonottellDr.CecilMontgomerytogotohell.”
Noonedid.
Iwasraisedtohaveanalmostgodlikedeferencetomylegendaryfather—Ididn’tknowanyonewhodidn’t.Youdidnotarguewithhim,youdidnotdisagreewithhim,andyoucertainlydidnottellhimtogotohell.
Iwenttotheuniversitymyfathertoldmetogoto.Ipursuedthecareerhedemanded.Infact,theonlytime,andIdomeantheonlytime,thatIeverdareddisregardmydad’swisheswaswhenIwentintoemergencymedicineinsteadofsurgery.HeonlyletitgobecauseDerekwasthefamilyfront-runneranyway,soIdidn’treallymatter.
Thatbackfired.
Bripokedathericewithherstraw.“Yourdadterrifiesme.WhenheusedtocometotheER,everyonewouldscatterlikecockroaches.Andthenyourmomwouldcomeinafterhimtodoaspinalconsult,allsweetnessandlight,moppingupthetearsofthenurses.Why’stherealwaysaniceoneandameanone?”
“Becausetherearetwotypesofpeopleintheworld,difficultonesandeasyones,andtheymarryeachother.”
“Ha.”
Shepausedforamomentandeyedme.“Okay.Sotellmeaboutthehickey.Tellingeveryoneyouburnedyourselfwithacurlingiron—areweintenthgrade?”
Ilaughed.
“DidyouhavehatesexwithNeil?”
Irecoiledinhorror.“No!Whywouldyouaskmethat?”
“Becauseyou’vebeenavoidingtalkingtome,soIcanonlyassumethat’sbecauseyoudon’twanttotellmethehickeyoriginstory.AndtheonlykindofsexI’mgonnabegrudgeyouissexwithNeil.”
Iletoutadeepbreath.“IdidnothookupwithNeil.”
Shewaited.“Well?”
Imadeeyecontactwithherforalongmoment,andshemadeagive-it-to-megesturewithherhand.
“Imetsomeonelastweek.”
Shepulledherfaceback.“Youdid?When?Where?Whatappareyouusing?”
“Noapp.Remembertheguywhotowedmefromtheditch?”
“Themiddle-of-nowhereguy?”
“That’stheone.Iwenthomewithhim.”
Sheblinkedatme.“Youdidn’t…”shebreathed.
“Idid.AndthenIranoutatfour-thirtyinthemorningwithoutwakinghimup.”Icockedmyheadather.
“Whythehelldidyoudothat?Somethingwrongwithhim?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Therewasabsolutelynothingwrongwithhim.Hewasnice,andsweet…”Ilookedoverather.“Andtwenty-eight.”
Shegrinned.“Daaaaamn!Yougetit,girl.”
“Shhhhh,”Isaid,hushingher,lookingaround.“Ican’tdateatwenty-eight-year-old,Bri,”Iwhispered.“He’sababy.”
“He’snotyourbaby.”
“Camistwenty-two,”Isaid.
“Yeah,well,Camisnotyourkid,andtheonlyreasonyourexhadatwenty-two-year-oldsonwasbecauseyouweredatingamantenyearsolderthanyou.”
Ishookmyhead.“Ididn’tevendatetwenty-eight-year-oldswhenIwastwenty-eight.”
“Well,youmissedout.They’rejustoldenoughtonotbeannoyingandtheyhaveallthatsexualenergy.Andyoucantrainthem.They’resoeagertolearnatthatage,likepuppies.”Shedippedherheadtolookmeintheeye.“Doeshehaveanyfriends?”
Ilaughed.
Hedidhaveenergy…Mycheekswenthotthinkingaboutit.
“I’mgoingtobethirty-eightthisyear,”Isaid.“Ican’tdateaguythatyoung.”
“Whosays?Ifyouweretwenty-eightandhewasthirty-seven,nobodywouldbataneye.NobodybattedaneyewhenyoudatedNeil—andtheyshouldhave,thatguywasanasshole.”
Ipressedmylipsintoaline.
“Look,”shesaid,goingon.“You’renewtothiswholesingle-in-your-thirtiesthingsoyoudon’tknowwhatitlookslikeoutthere,andI’mheretotellyou,itdoesn’tlookgood.It’slikepickingthroughagarbageheaplookingfortheleastdisgustingthing.LastweekIhadaguybringmefuneralflowers.Like,theywereacrossandtheyhadapictureofthedeadguyinthemiddle.”
Ibarkedoutalaugh.
“Idon’tthinkhenoticeduntilIpointeditout,”shesaid.“Oh,remembertheHawaiian-shirtguywiththeporn’stacheandallthecatswhokeptsayingIlookedlikehisnextex-wife?Like,seriously?Thesearethemenwe’resupposedtogetaUTIfor?Ifyoufoundsomeoneyoulike,datehim.Trustme.”
Iwasstilllaughingaboutthefuneralflowers.“Ididn’tevengethisnumber,”Isaid.
“Yougethisname?”
“Yeah.Hisfirstone.”
Sheshrugged.“Sogofindhim.Yousaidthetownissmall.Howhardcanitbe?”
Ididn’tanswerher.
“Wasthesexgood?”sheasked.
Iscoffed.“Thesexwasincredible.In-credible.Hedidthisthingwhereheliftedmeagainstawall,”Iwhispered.“Wewentthreetimes.Hewasbackupinundertwominutesflat.Igottiredbeforehedid,andhewasdoingallthework.”
“See,that’ssometwenty-eight-year-oldshitrightthere.Youthinkyourcognac-drinking,receding-hairline,pushing-fifty-year-oldOurTimedateisgonnagiveyouthatacrobaticsex?He’snot.Hethrewhisbackoutplayinggolf.”
Ilaughedsohardanursewheelingsomeoneintoaroomturnedtolookatme.
Iwasstillsnickering.“Okay,butreallythough.Ican’t.Imean,whatthehellamIevendoing?Whatdoeshehaveincommonwithmyfriends?Myfamily?”
Shelookedmedeadintheeye.“Youknowyoucanjustfuckhim,right?”
Igasped.
“I’mserious.Youdonotneedtomarrythisman.Youcanjustusehimforsex.Youareawareofthisoption?”
“OfcourseI’mawareoftheoption,”Iwhispered.“Butitwasn’tlikethatthough.Ikindoflikedhim.Hewascharming.”
“Youhadaone-nightstandwithamanyouknewforhowlong?”
Shewaited.
“Well?”
Iglancedather.“Threehours.”
Shenodded.“Threehours.Anditwasn’tlikethat?”Herfacecalledbullshit.“Youareverycapableofcasualsex,Ipromiseyou.”
Iblewabreaththroughmylips.
“Sowhat’sthisguylooklike?”sheasked.
Iscoffed.“ScottEastwoodinTheLongestRide,onlywithabeard.Oh,andhehadababygoatinpajamas.”
“Hedidn’t.”
“Hedid.”
Hereyeswerewide.“I’dfollowaclownintoastormdrainifhehadababygoatinpajamas.”
“Hishandswererough,”Isaid,somewhatdistantly.“Iknowit’sweirdtosay,butIreallylikedit.Hesmelledgoodtoo.Istolehishoodie.”
Shearchedaneyebrow.“Youstoletheman’shoodie?That’saseriouscrime.”
“I’mgoingtohell,Iknow.”
Icouldn’tstopwearingit.Itsmelledlikehimanditsmelledgood
MyfriendGabbytoldmeoncethatshesentablanketovertothebreederwhereshegotherLab,sothepuppycouldgetusedtohersmellbeforehecamehome.Ifeltlikeitwaslikethat.LikeIwasgettingusedtoDanielviahissweatshirtpheromones,andhewasn’tevenhere.
I’dbelyingifIsaidthefadingscentwasn’tmakingmewanttogobackandsmelltherealthing…
Iseriouslycouldn’tstopthinkingaboutthesex.Iwasthinkingaboutitmorenow,almostaweeklater,thanIhadthedayafterithappened,likeI’ddevelopedatasteforitandnowIwascravingit.
“Howolddoyouhavetobetobeacougar?”Iasked.
Shelaughed.“Olderthanyou.”
“Ican’tbelieveIhadaone-nightstand,”Iwhispered.“WhoamI?”
“Youknow,it’sonlyaone-nightstandifyoudon’tgobackanddohimagain.”
Ihadtocoverasnort,andshelaughed
“What?It’strue,”shesaid.
Ishookmyhead.“Therehastobesciencebehindthatkindofattraction,”Isaidquietly.“Somethingwiththegenes.”
“Thatgood,huh?”
“Thatgood,”Isaid,turningtolookather.“Anditfeltextremelymutual.”
IthadbeensolongsinceI’dbeenmadetofeellikeIwasirresistible.Cometothinkofit,Iwasn’tsureIeverhad.
IwasneverthishornywithNeil.Well,notunprovokedanyway.Oursexualrelationshiphadalwaysrequiredlotsoflead-up.Foreplayandwininganddining.ButwithDaniel…
Itdidn’tescapemethatI’dwantedtoseehimnakedanhouraftermeetinghim.
I’dpulledoutmyvibratorlastnight.TheonethataweekagoIwasperfectlysatisfiedusingasafullreplacementforanactualsexlife.IstaredatthatlittlepinkcontraptionandrealizedthattheonereasonwhyI’dbeenreadytohangupmydatingbeltwasbecauseI’dneverhadsexgoodenoughformetogoinpursuitofit.NowIhad,andavibratorwasn’tgoingtocutitanymore.
ItsortofmademewishI’dstayedblissfullyignorant.
“YoushouldhaveseenhowIcamehome,”Iwhispered.“IgotaccostedbyaloosepigwhileIwasthere—don’task.Mydresswascakedinmud.Ihadasnoutprintdirectlyonmyass,goatfuralloverme.ThenIsteppedinapileofdogpoopinmyblackManolos.ThemotionsensorlightswentonandIpanicked,soIranandleftitthere.”
“Youleftyourshoe,”shedeadpanned.“LikeCinderella.”
“Yeah.Idid.AndthehoodieIwaswearingwascamouflage.”
“Soyoucamehomeinamuddytwo-thousand-dollardresswearingoneshoeandyourfuckbuddy’scamohoodie.”
Inodded.“Thatiscorrect.”
“LikeanOldMacDonaldwalkofshame.Didyouhavehayinyourhair?”
Istartedlaughing.“Shutup.”
Itwassawdust,actually,butIwasn’ttellingherthat.
“IwouldpaytoreplacethatdressforonescreenshotofyoucominghomeintheRingcamera.”
“Well,yourbirthdayiscomingup…”
Wewerestillgigglingwhenasmallhuddleofbrand-newfirst-yearresidentstouringthehospitalcamedownthehallwayandfrozetostareatme,wide-eyed.
“Oh,God,”Brigroaned.“Yes,it’saMontgomery,”shecalled.“Youwillbeseeingthemonoccasion,thisoneisyourattending,behappyshe’snotherdad.Pleasemoveitalong.”Shemadeashooingmotionwithherhandandtheyscurriedoff.Sherolledhereyes.
“Doyouevergetsickofthat?”sheasked,turningtome.
“Idon’tevennoticeitanymore.”
Sheleanedbackinherseat.“God,youguysareliketheroyalfamily.Sowhatareyougonnadoaboutallthat?Derek’sgone,soyou’resortof‘TheOne’now,right?Youhaveto,like,kissbabiesandchristenpediatricwings?”
Isqueezedmyeyesshut.“Ihatethissomuch.”Ilookedoverather.“YouknowtheStarTribunecalledmeyesterday?Theywantedtoknowwhatmyplanswereforthehundred-and-twenty-five-yearanniversarynowthatthe‘torchhasbeenpassedontothenewgeneration.’”Iputmyfingersintoquotes.“ApparentlyIamnowdeliveringthekeynotespeechatthequasquicentennialgalainSeptember.”
Shemadeaface.“Damn.Canyoujustnotdoit?Sayno?”
Ishrugged.“Sure.Andthenthehospitalwillloseamilliondollarsforcancerresearch,theMontgomeryscholarshipprogramwillceasetoexist,halftheinitiativesforlow-incomefamilieswillbedefunded,constructiononthenewtransplantcenterwillgrindtoahalt,andI’llbecometheshameoftheMontgomerylegacy.”
“Wow.Nopressure.”
“Seriously.Mommadesuretoremindmethattheinternationaldonorswon’tflyinforthegalasunlessaMontgomeryisinattendance.SoIwillbeexpectedtobeateveryfund-raisertoschmoozetheelitefromthisdayforward.”
“Dereklovestoschmoozetheelite.”
“Well,rightnowDerekislovingsomethingelsefarmoreimportant.”Isighed.“Ilovewhatwedo,Ijusthatethepageantryofit.It’slikethisunrivaled,bottomlesstoolforgoodandI’mthelastonethatcanwieldit,andIjustwishitwasn’tme.”
“Withgreatpowercomesgreatresponsibility.”
Ismirked,butshewasn’twrong.
“That’skindofcoolthough.Youcansavelivesjustbyshowingupinacocktaildress.Hey,rememberwhenForbescalledyouguysthelastgreatAmericandynastyandthenTaylorSwiftusedthatasthetitleofasong?”
“STOP.”
“What?!Itwashilarious.You’refancy.I’mproudofyou.Also,canyouautographafewPost-itsforme?Isellthemtothefirst-yearresidents.Ihavestudentloans.”
Iflickedapenather,andwecrackedup.
ThenNeilroundedthecorner.
Thesecondwesawhim,ourhumorgroundtoanabrupthalt.
Hemadehiswaytothenurses’stationinhissky-bluescrubs.
Atforty-seven,Neilhadafullheadofsilverhair,astrongsquarejaw,andachindimple.Hewasannoyinglygood-looking,andwhatwasmoreannoyingwasthatheknewit.
IsawhimalmosteverydaythatIworked.HewasthechiefofsurgerysoIwasconstantlyhandingpatientsofftohim.Butwedidn’thaveanytoday,sothiswasprobablyapersonalcall.Yay.
Bricrossedherarmsasheapproached.“Dr.Rasmussen.Whatcanwedoforyou?”sheaskeddryly.
Heignoredherandlookedatme.“Alexis,I’dliketospeaktoyou.”
“Youcansayanythingyouneedtosaytoherinfrontofme,Wreck-ItRalph,”Brisaid.“She’sgonnatellmeeverythinganyway.Savesherfromhavingtodothesleazebagaccent.”
Isawtheflickerofannoyanceonhisface,buthepusheditdown.
Icrossedmyarmstoo.“Whatdoyouwant,Neil?”
HeglancedatBriandthenbackatme.“Itwouldbebetterifwetalkedinprivate.”
“Betterforwho?”Brisaid.“You?”
Hisjawticked.“Weneedtodiscussthehouse.”
Thehouse.Actually,wedidneedtodiscussit.
Wehadn’tbeenmarried,butwehadboughtthehousetogetherfiveyearsago.Wewerebothonthetitle.He’dpaidhisportionofthemortgagethelasttwomonths,butitwasn’tfairtoexpecthimtokeepdoingitgiventhathewasn’tlivingthere—eventhoughinmyopinionitwastheleasthecoulddo.
“I’dliketobuyoutyourstakeinit,”hesaid.
Myarmsdropped.“What?”
“I’dliketobuyyouout.Iwantthehouse.”
Istaredathim,incredulous.“I’mnotsellingyoumyhouse.”
“It’snotyourhouse.It’sourhouse.Myfriendsarethere,it’sclosetoworkwhenI’moncall,ithastherunningtrailsIlike—”
Bripressedherlipsintoaline.“Uh-huh.Well,guessyoushouldhavethoughtofthatbeforeyoubonedwhat’s-her-faceoverthere.”Shegesturedvaguelytotheexit.
“You’renotgettingthehouse,”Isaidagain.“I’llbuyyourshare,andyoucanbuysomethingelse.”
Hiseyesnarrowed.“Youdon’tneedit.It’stoobigforyou.”
“Butnottoobigforyou?”Myvoicewasatouchtoohigh.“Fuckyou,Neil.”
IfeltBrijerkinherchairandstareatthesideofmyface.
Nobodywasaroundbutthethreeofus.Nobodyheardit.ButIhardlyeverstooduptoNeil.Ididn’tknowwhatwasfuelingthismomentarysurgeofbravery.
No—Iknewexactlywhatwasfuelingit.Itwastheclarityfrommonthsoftherapy.Therealizationthathewasamanipulative,emotionallyabusiveasshole.
Andsomethingelse.
ForsomereasonknowingthatNeilwasn’tthelastmanwho’dgivenmeanorgasmfortifiedmycourage.Ithinkitdidmoreforthissituationthananyoftherestofit.TheothernightwasproofthatIwasattractiveanddesirable,despiteeverythingNeilhadtriedsohardtomakemebelieve.
Brismirked,andwetagteamedglaringathim.
Hisjawset.“Youdon’tknowhowtodealwiththehouse.Thepoolneedstobeopenedforthesummer,thesprinklersareshutoffandblownout,there’sadeadtreethatneedstoberemovedbeforeitfallsontheroof,youneedtoputsaltinthewatersoftener—”
“Youdon’tdoanyofthat,”Isnapped.“Youhiresomeonetodoit.”
“Hiringsomeonetodoitispartofwhatittakestorunit.There’sahundredandonethingsImanagetherethatyouhavenoideaabout.You’renotcapableofrunningapropertyofthatsize.”
“Myanswerisno,”Isaid.“Iwillnothaveyouuprootmylife.”Ileanedforward.“Andanyway,ifyougotthehouse,howwouldyouevergetthesmellout?”Icockedmyheadandwatchedhimtakethehit.ItwasaninsidejabthatonlyheandIunderstood,andonethatmadeitsmark.
Hepressedhislipsintoaline.Thenheturnedandstalkedoff.
“Oh,myGod!”Briwhisperedwhenhewasfarenoughawaythathecouldn’thearher.“Holyshit,I’veneverseenyoutellhimtofuckofflikethat.”
“Whathappened?”Imuttered.“Iblackedout.”
WewatchedNeilpushthroughthedoubledoorsanddisappear.
Brishookherheadwithagrin.“Lookatthatman-trum.Eightthousandnervesintheclitorisandstillnotassensitiveasawhitemannotgettinghisway.”Shebeamedatme.“Ilikethisnewyou.”
“Mytherapistsaysbeingconsistentistheonlywaytodealwithsomeonelikehim.Thatwhatyouallowiswhatyouteach.Ihavetosetclearboundariesandenforcethem.”
“I’dsaythatwasprettydamnclear.God,he’sannoying.He’slikethathairstucktoyourshirtandyouknowit’sthere’causeyoucanfeelitonthebackofyourarmbutyoucan’tgetridofit?”
Ilaughed.“I’mnevergivinghimthathouse.”
“Youshouldn’t.”
“I’mnot.Ispentanentireyearfurnishingit.Iusethosetrailsmorethanhedoes,andmyfriendslivetheretoo.Thatismydamnhouse.”
Thenwesatthereforaminute.
Ifacedher.“IthinkIneedtocallthatguy.”
“Ithinksotoo.”
“Imean,Ishouldreturnhishoodie,right?That’stherightthingtodo.Whatifithassentimentalvalue?”
Shelookedamused.
“What?”
“Let’scallthiswhatitis.It’sabootycall.Youneedthisrebound.Someonetomakeyoufeelsafeandbeautifulandgiveyouallthegoodsexyoudidn’thaveforthelastsevenyears.Andhesoundsperfectforthejob.Toofarawaytobeupinyourshit.Tooyoungtowantacommitment.”
“Andwehavenothingincommon,sonowayI’llgetattached,”Iadded.
Shenodded.“Notevenapossibility.”Chapter7
Daniel
Isatatahigh-toptableintheVFW,nursingawarmbeer.Dougwasbeingannoying.Thismeanthisanxietywashigh.Iwasusedtoit,butmypatiencehadbeenshorterthanusualthisweek.
Aprilwasoneofmyfavoritemonths.Notourists,soIgottoshutdowntherentalpropertyandfocusonmycarpentryfull-time.Theweatherwasstartingtogetgoodandtheleaveswerebudding,whichIliked.ButIwasinabadmoodanyway.
Icouldn’tstopthinkingabouther.Aboutwhyshe’dleft.IfeltlikeI’dfrightenedawaysomebeautifulcreatureI’dneverlaymyeyesonagain.
Iranthenightthroughinmymindoverandover,andsomanystupidfucked-upthingshadhappened,Icouldn’tputmyfingerontheonethathaddoneit.Wasitthepig?Myloft?
Me?
Iknewwhatithadn’tbeen.Ithadn’tbeenthesex.Thathadbeenamazing.Forbothofus.Atleastthatwasobvious.
Herhandshadbeensosoft.I’dthreadedmyfingersthroughherswhenIwasontopofher—butthenIwonderedifmyhandsweretooroughforher.Ifshenoticedthecallusesandifitturnedheroff.OrmaybeitwasthemassivepileofdogshitthatHunterhadleftlikeapresentdirectlyoutsidemyfrontdoor—thatshe’dsteppedin.Iknewthisbecauseshe’dabandonedhershoeinit
I’dcleanedit.NotlikeIhadanyexpectationthatshe’dcomebackforit.Ithadbeenaweek.
InevermindedlivinginWakan.Itneverbotheredmethatweonlyhadapizzaplaceopenduringthesummer,orthatIhadtodriveforty-fiveminutestogettoaWalmartoraHomeDepot.Butdatingherewasdifficult.Thesmalltowndidn’texactlyhaveasinglesscene,andsleepingwithtouristswasneverameanstoanend.Ididn’tdoTinderorwhateverthehellDougwasdoingthesedays.IdatedagirlnamedMeganfromRochesterforawhile,buttherehadneverbeenthatsparkbetweenus.Eventuallyshetoldmeshewasseeingsomeoneelseandbrokethingsoffwithme.Ihadn’tevencaredenoughtobedisappointed.
ButAlexis…Iwasdisappointedabouther.
Idon’tknowwhatelseIexpected.Chanceswereshewouldhaveleftthenextmorningnevertobeseenagain,evenifshehadstayedthewholenight.ButIhateditanyway.
Everythingaboutherhaddrawnmein.Herpersonality,hersenseofhumor.Thecurveofherbody,thesmellofherhair…
Ihadtostopthinkingaboutit.EspeciallybecausetherewasnothingIcoulddo.
“Hey,”Dougsaid.“Let’sdopulltabs.”
“IthinkI’mgoinghome,”Imuttered,settingmybeeronthetable.
Hescowledatme.“Man,what’syourdeal?Youstillcryingoverthatgirl?”
“Youknowwhat?Fuckyou.Maybeifyourpighadn’tbeenoutrunningallovertheyard—”
“Hey,don’tblameyourlackofgameonme.”HelaughedintohisglassofCoke.“Notmyfaultyoucouldn’tclosethedeal.”
Ididn’ttellanyonewe’dslepttogether.Itoldthemshe’dcomehomewithme,I’dmadehersomethingtoeat,andsheleft.Ididn’twanttocheapenourtimetogetherbymakingitfodderforDoug’sjabs.Andthetruthwas,eventhoughithadonlybeensex,itdidn’treallyfeelthatway.We’dhadaconnection.
AtleastI’dthoughtwedid.
I’dprobablyimaginedit.Ihadtohave,right?Otherwiseshewouldn’thaveleftwithoutgivingmehernumber.
Igotupandstartedtopullonmyjacket.
Dougclearedhisthroat.“Youcan’tjuststayanothertwentyminutes?”
Heglancedatmeforaquicksecond,thenlookedaway.
Dougstruggledwithsomementalhealthissues—depressionandPTSD.It’swhyIwastakingcareofChloeforhim,becauseheneededhissleep.Whenhedidn’tgetit,itmadehissymptomsworse.
Theoff-seasonwashardonhim.Heneededinteractionandprojects,andwhenthetouristslefthehadneither.IthadgottensobadlastyearBrianandIhadtotaketurnsstayingatDoug’shousebecausewewereworriedhewasgoingtohurthimself.
ThiswasanotherthingthatsuckedaboutWakan.Wehadnothing.Nodentist’soffice,nourgentcare.Theclosestmentalhealthprofessionalwasalmostanhouraway,whichmeantweusuallyjustdealtwithourshitinsteadofgettinghelpforit.He’dtakenthedrivedowntotheveterans’hospitalafewtimes.Theygavehimsomemedsandofferedcounseling.Buttheywouldn’trefillhisprescriptionunlesshekeptseeingadoctor,anditwasn’treallypracticaltokeepschleppingouttheretokeepitup,sohedidn’t.
Iwasgladhewasaskingforhelp.Evenifitwasjustaskingmenottoleavehimalone.
Isatbackdown.“Yeah,sure.Icanstayabit.”
Hetookaswallowofhissodaandnodded.“Thanks.”Hepausedamoment.“Sowhathappenedwithher?”heasked,softernow.“Thegirl.”
Iblewoutabreath.Whatdidn’thappen?
“Well,let’ssee.Wegottomyplace,andIhadtoexplainthatIlivedintheloftabovethegarageandnotthebeautifulhistoricmansionthatweparkedinfrontof.Sothatwasfun.Thenyourpotbelliedpigcamecrashingoutofthewoodsandgotmudalloverherdress.Like,alloverit.Ihadtothrowtomatoesdowntogethimoffher.”
“I’msorry,man.Ifixedthefence,”hesaid,lookinggenuinelyapologetic.
“It’sfine,”Imumbled.“Shewasprettycoolaboutit,actually.Shepettedhim,oncesherealizedhewasn’tdangerous.Thenwhenwegotinside,Hunterjumpedonhertoo.Ithinkthewholethingwasjusttoomuch.”
Buthaditbeen?Becauseevenafterallthat,she’dstayed.Imadeherdinner,andsheplayedwithChloe.Wetalked.
Wedidotherthings…
ItwasweirdbecauseIfeltlikewe’dspentthewholetimegettingtoknoweachother,andattheendIstillknewnothingabouther.Ididn’tknowherlastname,wheresheworked,whatshedid.Shewassortofcageyaboutit,soIdidn’tpressit.Notthatknowingwouldhavehelped.Sheobviouslydidn’twanttobecontactedorshewouldhavegivenmeawaytodoit.I’djustlooklikeacreepertrackingherdown.
Lizcamebywithatray.“Anythingelse,guys?”
“Nothanks,”Isaidasshepickedupanemptypeanutbasketfrombetweenus.
“SowhathappenedwithAlexistheothernight?”sheasked.
Shehovered,givingmeatwisted-lippedsmilethatIdidn’thavetolookuptoknowwasthere.Iknewmycousin.Shewastryingtopokeme.
Igruntedintomybeerglass.“Didn’tworkout.”
“Really?Ithoughtshelikedyou.Shewasgivingoffsomeveryinterestedvibes.”
Iscoffedquietly.
Thephonestartedringing,andLizgaveupherinterrogationandwentbacktothebartogetit.
“Pulltabs?”Dougaskedagain.
“Tenbucks,”Isaid,fishingmywalletoutofmyjeans.“That’sit.AndthenIgohome.”
Lizshoutedatmefromacrosstheroom.“Daniel!You’vegotaphonecall!”
Ilookedoveratherinconfusion.“Aphonecall?”
Shewasgrinning,holdingherhandoverthemouthpiece.“Alexis!”
Istaredatherforafewdisbelievingseconds.ThenIrantothephonesofastItrippedoverabarstoolandalmostwentflying.IlimpedthelastfewfeetandtookthecordlessfromLiz.“Hello?”
Atentativevoicecameovertheline.“Hi…Hello.Idon’tknowifyourememberme.Wemetlastweek?Alexis?”
Ahugegrinrippedacrossmyface.“OfcourseIrememberyou.Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Ididn’tthinkIwasevergoingtohearfromyouagain,”Isaid,walkingthephoneovertothehallwaybythebathroomswhereitwasalittlequieter.“IthoughtmaybeIdidsomethingwrong.”
Shelaughed.“No.Youdidn’tdoanythingwrong.Atall.”
Ismiled.
“I,um…I’mcallingbecauseIhavealittleconfessiontomake,”shesaid,suckingairthroughherteeth.
“Yeah?”
“Istoleyourhoodie.I’vebeenfeelingreallybadaboutit.”
“Soletmegetthisstraight,”Isaid,mysmilesobigtherewasnowayshedidn’thearitinmyvoice.“Youfeelbadaboutstealingmyhoodie,butnotforrunningoffonmeinthemiddleofthenight?”Iteased.
“Yeah…aboutthat.I’msorry.I’mahoodiethiefandarunaway.”
“Well,youshouldknowthatoneofthosethingsruinedmywholeweek.Theotherthingwasjustahoodie.”
Shelaughed.“CanImailittoyou?”
Ishookmyhead.“Nope.Notfastenough.I’mgonnaneedthatbackimmediately.Tonightpreferably.Icancomegetit,justgivemeyouraddress.”
“Tonight,huh?”
“Definitely.Poorhoodie,confusedandlost.You’reprobablykeepingitinadarkcloset.”
“Oh,no,yourhoodiehasbeenverywellcaredfor,Ipromiseyou.”
Ismiled.“Areyouwearingit?”
“Well,youdon’tstealahoodieandnotwearit.Otherwiseit’sjustanothersenselesscrime.”
Theideaofherwearingmyhoodiemademyheartpound.
“Youknow,Ihaveatheory,”Isaid,switchingthephonetomyotherear.
“Oh,yeah,what’sthat?”
“Ithinkyoutookthathoodiebecauseyouwantedareasontocomebackhere.”
“Reeeeally”
“Yeah.AndIthinkIknowwhy.Thebabygoat.Areyouusingmetospendtimewithmykid?Becauseifyouare,Ihavetobehonest,Igetit.”
Shelaughed,hard
“Well,ifIdocomebackthere,amIgoingtobeaccostedbythepigagain?Becausethatwasalotofexcitementforonenight.”
“Okay,firstofall,thatpighasaname.It’sKevinBacon.It’srudenottouseit.”
Shewaslaughingagain.“KevinBacon?”
“Yup.Doughasapettingzoo,andhenamesthemstufflikethat.”
“Likewhat?”sheasked.“Whatelse?”
“Well,there’sScapeGoat—that’sChloe’smom.Chloe’sfullnameisChloeNoseBleat.”Itickedoffonmyfingers.“ThechickensareMotherCluckerandChick-a-LasCage,there’sBarackO-Llama,theminiaturehorseisAlCapony—”
Shehowled.
Igrinned.“TherabbitsareRabbitDowneyJr.andObiBunKenobi—”
“STOP,”shebegged.“You’rekiddingme.”
“That’sDougforyou,”Isaid,grinning.“Sowhat’syouraddress?Icanleaveinthirtyminutes.”
Iheardherletoutabreath.Shepausedforalongmoment.“I’msureyourealizedthis,butI’malotolderthanyou.”
Ishrugged.“So?”
“Don’tyouwanttoknowhowoldIam?”
“Notreally.Itdoesn’tchangeanythingforme.”
“I’mgoingtobethirty-eightinDecember.”
“Okay,”Isaid.“Idon’tcare.”
Ididn’t.
Shepaused.“Daniel,thisisn’treallyagoodtimeformetogetinvolvedwithsomeone.I’mnotreallyemotionallyavailablerightnow.”
“Noproblem.Wecanjusthangout.”
“AndyoushouldknowthatIdon’tdowhatwedidtheothernight.Ever.”
Yeah,she’dsaidthattheothernight.Afewtimes,actually.“Well,youshouldknowIdon’tdoiteither.Ever.”
AndImeantthattoo.Ididn’t.
Shewentquietagain.
Therewassomethingfragileinthesilence.IgotthefeelingthatifIhungupwithoutgettinghertoagreetomeet,Iwasnevergoingtoseeheragain.Likeshewouldjustdisappearbackintotheuniverse.Andsomethingtoldmeshecouldgoeitherway.
Iclearedmythroat.“Youarenotgoingtobelievethis,”Isaid.“DougjustbetmeahundredbucksthatIcouldn’tgetyoutoseemetonight.Wild,right?”
Shelaughed,andIfeltherdecisiontip.
“Okay,”shesaidfinally.“ButI’llcometoyou.Iwon’tbeabletogetthereforanotherthreehoursthough.Idon’tliveclose.”
Ilookedatmywatch.Itwasfouro’clock.“SowhatI’mhearingisyou’restayingthenight.”
“Uh…”
“I’lltellyouwhat.I’llputyouupintheB&B,”Isaidquickly.“Yourownroom.It’sclosedfortheseason,soyou’llhavethewholehousetoyourself.”
“Areyousure?”
Ifeltmyselfdeflateanotchhearingshedidn’twanttosleepnexttome.Butbeggarscan’tbechoosers,andthiswasobviouslysomethingthathadfreakedheroutthelasttime.“I’msure.Andcomehungry.I’llmakeusdinner.Igotdinosaurnuggets.”
Shelaughedagain.“Okay.”
WeexchangedcellphonenumbersandIgavehertheaddresstothehouse.ThenIhungupandturnedaroundtoLizandDougstandingdirectlybehindme.Theywerebothbeaming.
“She’scoming?”Lizasked,lookingexcited.
Idraggedahanddownmymouth.“Yeah.”Andthentheanxietyhitme.“WhatthehellamIgonnadowithher?”
Dougscoffed.“Ithinkyouknowwhattodowithher,buddy.”
Igavehimalook.“YouknowwhatI’mtalkingabout.”
Itwastheoff-season.Nothingwasopen.Wedidn’tevenhaveamovietheater.Icouldn’teventakeherforicecream,nothing.
Whatthehelldidpeopleinbigcitiesdo?Whatdidwedo?Bonfires?TheVFW?Drivearound?
“Takeherforadrive,”Dougsaid,likehewasreadingmymind.
Panicrippedthroughme.
“Shelikesyou,”Lizsaid.“She’scomingherebecauseshewantstoseeyou.That’sgoodenough.”
Wasit?Imean,whatthehelldidIhavetoofferawomanlikeher?
Well…therewasonething.AndImusthavedoneaprettygoodjobofitifshewasdrivingtwohourstohaveitagain.Atleasttherewasthat.
“Justkeepherlaughing,”Dougsaid.“Whenawomanlaughs,hereyesareclosedmore.Shewon’tnoticehowuglyyouare.”
Isnorted,despitemyself.
“CallBrian,”Lizsuggested.“Seeifhecanhelp.”
Inodded.Thatwasagoodidea.“Okay.Okay,whatelse?”
DougthrewbacktherestoftheCokehewasholding.“I’llmakethefood.Icandropoffabasketinacoupleofhours.”
“Really?”
Hegrabbedhisjacketoffthebackofabarstool.“Yeah,really.I’lleventhrowinthegoodcheese.”
Inodded,feelingslightlybetter.Dougdidwinetastingsathisfarminthesummer.Hewasabeekeeperandmadehisowngoatcheeseandhoney.Heactuallyknewhowtoputtogetheranicespread.
“Pickherflowers,”Lizsaid.“Womenlikeeffort.”
Inodded.Effort.Gotit.
Withthatfiguredout,Iranhome.
Threehoursfeltlikealot,butitwasn’t.Ihadtoopenthehouseupandgetthebestbedroomready.Icleanedoutmytruck,whichsoundedlikelessworkthanitendedupbeing.Idon’tthinkI’deverwashedit—itwasaworktruckalmostasoldasIwas.Icleanedmyloft,mybathroom.IhadtofeedChloeandchangeherpajamas.BythetimeIgotintheshower,Ihadthirtyminutesleft.
Iwassodamnnervous.IfeltlikeIwasgettingasecondshotat—Ididn’tevenknowwhat.
Shesentmea“bethereinfive”text,andIcameoutsidewithHunterandgrabbedChloefromherpen.Icrouchedinthedrivewayandlookedmydogintheeye.“Okay,buddy.Nomoremessingaround,gotit?Nojumping—hey!Lookatme.NOJUMPING.YouseehowgoodChloeis?ThisisthekindofenergyIneedyoutobringtothissituation.”
HunterleanedoverandlickedChloeonthenose,andshemadeacutelittlebleatnoise.
“Anddoyourbusinessinthewoods.We’vegotawholeforest.Youdon’tneedtodothatinfrontofthegarage.Bestbehavior.”
Hunterdidn’tlooklikehehadanyideawhatIwastalkingaboutandstartedscratchinghisneck.Hiscollarmadeajinglingfullrotation,andthenhestoppedandblinkedatme.Hisearwasinsideout.
Hunterwasasix-year-oldretiredhuntingdogI’dgottenfromarescue.I’donlyhadhimthreemonths.HewasaWirehairedPointingGriffon.HelookedperpetuallyconfusedandwastheworstlistenerI’devermet—whichwasweird,becausethepreviousownertoldtherescuehewasfullytrained.Huntingdogswerestrong-willedbydesign,butthisone…
Ieyedhim.“Somehelpyou’regonnabe,”Imumbled.
Iheardthesoundofwheelsongravelandstood.Myheartstartedtopound.
Ihadaquicksecondofwhat-if.Whatifthechemistrywasgoneortheattractiondidn’tfeelthesame,orI’dbuiltherupinmyheadandshewasn’tlikeIremembered?
AndthesecondIsawher,IknewIhadn’timaginedathing.Chapter8
Alexis
I’dcalledhim.I’dcalledhim,andIwasgoingbackdownthere.
WhatintheworldwasIdoing?
Itwassuchaspontaneousthing,Ididn’tevenreallythinkitthrough.OneminuteIwasstandinginmylivingroom,debatingwhattoorderfromGrubhubfordinner,andthenextIwasGooglingtheVFWinWakanandcallingthenumber.
Ihadnoideaifhe’dactuallybethere.Hewas.AndthesecondIheardhisvoice,IknewIwasspendingthenightinabedthatwasn’tmyown.
I’dscouredmyclosetfortherightthingtowear.IcheckedtheweatherinWakan.Itwassixtytoday,soIpickedjeans,someplaidrainbootsthatcouldbehosedoffifIsteppedinpoopagain,andaflannelwithawhitetanktopunderneathit.Ilookedexactlylikesomeonetryingtolookwoodsy.
IdebatedcallingGabbytoaskherforhelpwithwhattowear,butthenI’dhavetoexplainwhy,andIwasn’treadyforthattalkatall
DanielwasnotsomeoneIcouldintroducetomyfriends.Ever.
Theywouldnevergetit.FranklyIbarelygotit.
Mysetoffriendsdidn’tknowpeoplewithtattoos.Orbeards.Orgoats.Gabby’shusband,Philip,wassomebigmoneymanagerguy,andJessica’shusband,Marcus,wasahotshotlawyer.Danielwastooyoungandtoodifferentfromthementheywereusedto.HewastoodifferentfromthemenIwasusedto.
Maybethatwastheallure…
Therewasdefinitelysomethingverynon-demandingabouthim.Ididn’tfeellikeIhadtosummonstimulatingconversationordazzlehim.Andhewassofun.Neilwouldhaveneverhustledhisfriendsinabar.
Neilwouldhavebeenhorrifiedtobeinthatbar.
Ipackedsomesilkysleepingshortsandamatchingblacktanktop.Nottoosexy,butdefinitelynotfrumpy.Ididn’twanttolooklikeIwascomingtheresolelytoseducehim—whichItotallywas—butIalsodidn’twanttolooklikeIwasn’tmakinganeffort.
Ishowered,shavedmylegs,didmyhairandmakeup,packedaquickovernightbag,andheadedsouthbeforeIhadtimetotalkmyselfoutofit.
IlistenedtoLolaSimonethewholewaydown.
Idecided,sinceIcouldn’tgettoknowmynewsister-in-lawinperson,I’ddoitthroughhersongs.Shehadelevenalbums,andIstartedwiththefirstone.Itwasn’treallymykindofmusic.Sortofpoprock.VeryearlyBritneySpears,whichIguessmadesense,sinceaccordingtoherWikipedia,Lolawassixteenwhenshemadethis.Butherlyricswereprettygood.
ThistimewhenIdrovethroughthetinytownofWakan,Ilookedaround.Halfthebusinesseswereclosedonthesleepymainstreet.Anice-creamandfudgeplace,anold-timeyphotoshop,twoboutiques,andhalfadozenrestaurantshadunlitneonopensignsand“gonefortheseason”postersintheirwindows.ThemotelI’dseentheothernightonthedriveinhada“closedfortheseason”messageonthemarquee,andtheRVparknexttoitlookedabandonedtoo.Butevenintheoff-season,Wakanwascharming.
Thetownwasnestledbetweenariverandbluffs.Allthebuildingswereredbrickwithold-fashionedlamppostsliningthesidewalks.Almosteveryshophadablackmetalhistoricallandmarkplaque,thoughIwastoofarawaytoreadtheinscriptions.Icreptpastanantiqueshop,abakery,andapharmacythatlookedlikeit’dbeentheresincethe1800s,withafadedmuralofPaulBunyanandBabetheBlueOxpaintedonthebrickside.
Therewasatinybookstore,abarbershop,andasinglecafécalledJane’sDinerwithanOPENsignhangingfromachainontheinsideofthedoor.
IdrovehalfamilemoreandfinallyturneddownthegraveldriveofDaniel’srentalproperty.AsignIhadn’tseenthelasttimewasilluminatedonthecorner.TheGrantHouse,1897.ThesameyearRoyaumeNorthwesternwasbuilt,Inoted.
Danielwaswaitingoutside—holdingthebabygoat.
MyheartleapedthesecondIsawhim.
Ididn’tknowhowIwasgoingtofeelseeinghimagain—ifitwouldbeawkwardorwhateverhadattractedmetohimmightbegone.ButthemomentIlaideyesonhimstandingthere,mypulsezinged.
Hewasevenhandsomerthanthelasttime—maybebecausehehadwarning?HewaswearingjeansandablackJaxonWatersT-shirtwithaloononthefront,athickbrownleatherbraceletonhiswrist.Hishairseemedmorestyled.Sortofcoifedup.Helookedlikehe’dgottenready.
ItwasfunnythatDaniel’sversionofgettingreadywasalevelofdresseddownthatI’dneverseenonNeil.Butitfithim.AndGod,wasitattractive.
Danielhadthatlithe,tonedbodytype.Notabitoffatonhim,buthewasmuscularenoughforittonotlooklankyonhistallframe.Irememberedhehadbroadshoulderssprinkledwithfreckles.Everytimehe’dliftedme,hisabshadcrunchedlikeanaccordion…
Myfaceflushedthinkingaboutit.
Iparked.AsIgotout,Danielcameuptothecardoortomeetme.
Thedogboundedbetweenus,tailwigglingbackandforth.Hestoppedinthemiddleofhisexcitedgreetingandletoutalongroooooooooo!
Thenhejumpedonme.
Icaughthimwithanoomph,staggeringback.
“Hunter,down!”Danielpulledhimoffmewithhisfreehand,stillcradlingChloe.“Sorry,”hesaid.
“It’sokay.Icamedressedforitthistime.”Ismiledatthekid.“You’rereallymilkingthis,aren’tyou?”
“IknowwhatIhave.”Thenheleanedinandkissedme.
Itwassortofsurprising.Imean,Iwashereforthis,soIexpectedkissingatsomepoint.Butthesensualkissasagreetingmadethisfeeloddlyfamiliar.LikeI’dbeenhereadozentimesandwasjustcomingbackagain.
Chloewaspressedbetweenus,andshebegannibblingonmyshirtbutton.Istartedlaughing,andDanielsmiledagainstmylips.“Areyouhungry?”
“Starving.”
Heleanedawayfromme.“Letmeputheraway.Hunter.”Heeyedhisdog,whowassittingobedientlyatmyfeet.“Nojumping.Wetalkedaboutthis.”Hemadethefingerstotheeyesmotionlikehewaswatchinghimandthenheadedtothebackofthegarage.
Ismiledafterhimandgrabbedmyovernightbagfromthepassengerseat.
Whenhecameback,Iwaspeeringupatthehouse.
IthadbeendarkthelasttimeI’dbeenhere,soIhadn’tgottenagoodlookattheplace.Itwasgettingdarknowtoo,buttheup-lightingonthehousewasonthistimeandIcouldseeitwasagorgeousVictorian,greenwithwhitetrim.Ithadawraparoundporch,aswing,rockingchairs,andredgeraniumshangingfromflowerboxesoverthebanisters.Therewasahistoriclandmarkplaquebythefrontdoorwiththesameyearasthesigninthedriveway.
“Thisisbeautiful,”Ibreathed.
“It’sbeeninmyfamilyforsixgenerations,”hesaid,takingmybagforme
“Youdidn’twanttoliveinit?”Iasked,walkingwithhimtothesteps.
“Ican’taffordtoliveinit,”hesaid.
Hedidn’tseemembarrassedbythequestion,butIkickedmyselfforaskingitanyway.
ItwaslikeI’dforgottenthatnoteveryonecanjustcasuallyliveinmansions.ItwasadisconnectedLetThemEatCakemoment,anditwasthefirsttimesinceIcalledhimthatIthoughtmaybeI’dmadeamistakecominghere.IwassodifferentfromhimthatIdidn’tevenknowhowtonotcarelesslyinsulthim.IwasafraidIwasgoingtoaccidentallydoitagain.
Istillwasinternallybeatingmyselfupforthiswhenheletusintothehouse.
“Thisisit,”hesaid,closingthedoorbehindus.
Ipeeredaroundtheentry.Itwasbeautiful.Isortofknewitwouldbe,justbasedontheoutside.
Therewasasmallcheck-incounterjustinsidethefoyerandanimpressivedarkwalnutstaircasebehinditwithaswitchbackleadingtothesecondfloor.Thebanisterwaslikeafunctionalpieceofart.Hand-carvedfloralappliquéstwistedalongtherailing.Abeautifulperiodpiece,probablyoriginaltothehistorichouse.Stunning.
Theformaldiningroomontheleftfeaturedalongwoodentablethatwouldseattwelve.Alivingroomwasontherightwithafireplaceframedbygreenmosaictile.ColorfulglassTiffanylamps,richredcurtains,antiqueVictorianfurniture.Thehousewasexquisite.
Ibeameddownatmyfeet.“Originalhardwoodfloors?”
“Inamaplewoodherringbonemosaic,”hesaid,proudly.“Mygreat-great-great-grandfatherdidthese.Seehowheinlaidoakforcontrastintheswitchbacks?Finisheditwithacolorlessfiller,whiteshellac,andalight-coloredwaxtopreservethenaturalcolorofthewoodgrain.”Hesmiled.“Heknewwhathewasdoing.”
AndDanielknewwhathewastalkingabout…
“Didhebuildthisplace?”Iasked.
“Hedid.”Henodded.“Comeon,I’llshowyoutherest.”
Hewentintowhatsoundedlikeawell-rehearsedtourashewalkedmethroughtherooms.HepointedoutBaroqueantiquemonumentalItalianwoodtolewallsconces,aGermanwallclock,anineteenth-centuryVictorianhairwreath.
Itwasliketheplacewasfrozenintime,trappedinthe1800s.Iwastotallyinlovewithit.Iadoredantiques.Ialwayswantedtobuysome,butNeilcomplainedtheydidn’tmatchthestyleofthehouse.
TheGrantHousehadfourbedroomsandbathrooms,andaviewoftheriveroutback,thoughitwasalmosttoodarktoseeit.Therewasafour-seasonporchwithwickerchairsandanotherhearth.Thelandingontheswitchbacktothesecondfloorhadahugestained-glasswindowofablueunderwaterriverscenewithswimmingfishanddivingloons.Weviewedthebedroomsupstairs.Eachonehadabeautifulfireplace.Inthefourthbedroom,hesetmybagdown.“Thisisyourroomforthenight.It’sthebestoneinthehouse.”
Ilookedaround,smiling.Ithaddamaskwallpaper,afour-posterbed,andacracklingfire.ThiswasahugeupgradefromDaniel’sloft.
IrememberedwhenIwalkedintohisgaragethatfirstnight.Ithadsmelledlikecedar.Likethelumbersectionofahardwarestore.Thejaggedteethofapowersawhadglintedonatableinthemiddleoftheroomandvariousfurnitureprojectshadbeenclutteredaroundtheconcretefloorandwalls.Therewasaweightbenchthatheobviouslyusedandarowofmuddymen’sworkbootscarefullylinedupbythesidedoor.Totherightwasasmallkitchenettewherehe’dmademethatgrilledcheese.
Totheleftametalspiralstaircasehadleduptoanenclosedloftwithatinybathroom,aqueen-sizebed,andalargewindowthatoverlookedthegarage.Ithadprobablybeenanofficeonce,butDanielhadconverteditintoasmallbedroom.
Tohiscredit,theroomhadbeenspotless.Thebedwasmade,andthereweren’tclothesthrownaround.Hehadn’tknownhewasbringingawomanhome,soitspoketohiscleanliness.Andsodidthis…Theroomhe’dputmeupinwasimmaculate—andtherewerefreshflowersonthenightstand.
I’dGoogledreviewsofthepropertyonTripAdvisorbeforeIheadeddown.
Fivestars.Asolidfivestars.
EverysinglereviewgushedaboutDanielandhowhe’dgoneoutofhiswaytomakethemfeelathome.Talesofpracticalheroismabounded.He’dgottenthepharmacisttoopenthestoreattwointhemorningtobuyTylenolforasickkid,andhe’dchangedatirewhenaguesthadaflat.Hedidthingslikeleaveaboxofgrahamcrackerswithchocolateandmarshmallowsbythefireplace.
Hehadguestsontheirfifthyearofvacationsonthepropertybecausetheyweresoloyaltohim.Itwentonandonandon.
Hewasthoughtful.Andgenerous.Iknewthisalready,havingexperiencedhisselflessnessinourveryfirstmeeting,butitwasnicetobeabletoattachastarratingtothemanaswell.
“Ithassomuchcharacter,”Isaidonthewaybackdown,almostmoretomyselfthantohim.
Hewaitedformeatthebottomofthestairs,thenheopenedthefrontdoorforme.
“Sowhatareweeating?”Iasked.
“We’reeatingout,actually.”
Ipausedontheporch.Iwasn’tsureIlikedthis.Thetownwassmall.Ididn’twanttoadvertisethisliaisontoeveryoneheknew.Didhe?
“Where?”Iasked.
Helookedupatmefromthebottomofthesteps,amused.“Areyouafraidtoleavewithme?”
Icrossedmyarms.“No.”
“YoudohavetheTaser.”
“Idon’tthinkyou’regoingtomurderme.Thoughstatisticallyspeakingyou’remuchmorelikelytobemurderedbysomeoneyouknow,somychancesareactuallyhigherthistime.”
Helaughed.“YouthinkIsavedyoufromtheraccoonditchtheothernightjusttomurderyounow?Andtechnicallyaren’tmychancesofgettingmurderedhighernowtoo?ShouldIbeconcerned?”
Ifoughtasmile.
“Iplannedapicnic.Justus.ButmyfriendBrianwillbearoundtocallanambulanceformeifyouassaultme.”
Ilaughed,relaxing.“Okay.Also,whilewe’reonthesubjectofbodilyinjury,nohickeysthistime.”
Hepulledhisfaceback.“Igaveyouhickeys?Yougavemehickeys.”
“What?No,Ididn’t.”
Hepulledhisshirtdownandshowedmeafadingpurpleblotchonhiscollarbone.
Myjawfellopen.“Ididnotgiveyouthat.”
“What?Whoelsewouldgivemethis?”Heheldhisarmsoutandpeeredaroundwithagrin.“HowmuchactiondoyouthinkIgetaroundhere?I’mnotmakingoutwithanyonebutyou.”
Icrossedmyarms.“Okay,butseriously,Ididn’tdothat.”
“Yeah,youdid.Ihavescratchesdownmybacktoo.”
Igasped,andhiseyestwinkled.
Ididrememberclawingathimabit…
Heclimbedthestepsbetweenusandslippedhishandsaroundmywaist.“It’sokay,Ilikedit,”hesaid,hismouthafractionofaninchfrommylips.
Iwouldhavelaughedifmyentirebodyhadn’tturnedtojellyinhisarms.
God,hewassosexy.Ithinkheknewit.Hegrinnedatmybreathlessnessandwhirledmeofftheporchtotheground.“Yourchariotawaits.”Chapter9
Daniel
Iwentaroundandopenedthedoorofthetruckforher,andimmediatelystartedsecond-guessingmyplan.Ialsoregrettedcallingitachariot.
Thebenchseatshegotinonhadducttapeoverthecracksintheleather.Damn.Ishouldhaveputablanketdownonit.Evenclean,theinsideofmytrucksmelledlikegasolineandoil.Ineverreallynoticeditbefore,butIwasnoticingitnow.
Ipulledoutofthedriveway,overthinkingeverything.
Icouldn’tgivetwoshitswhatanyofmylastgirlfriendsthoughtaboutmytruck,butAlexiswastoofancyforthis.Evenoutofthecocktaildressandheels,shewastoofancy.
Itwasineverythingabouther.Shewassopolished.TheclothessheworeforHuntertojumponlookedlikethey’dneverbeenwornbefore.Thedenimwastoodarktohavebeenwashedevenonce.Diamondearrings,perfectlypaintedfingernails.Eventheduffelbagshebroughtwasabrandnamesofaroutofmyreach,Icouldn’tevenafforditatayardsale.
Once,acardinalflewdownintothechimneyinthelivingroom,andIrememberedhowstartlingithadbeentoseethisbeautiful,brightredbirdperchedintheashes.Itwasjustlikethis.TheruinofmyshittyFordjusthighlightedthecontrast,howoutofplaceshewas
WomenlikeAlexisdidn’tliveinashes.Theydidn’tliveinsmalltownsinthemiddleofnowherewhereyoucouldn’tgetadamnsteakintheoff-season.Theydidn’tridearoundintiredworktrucksandholdhandswithmenwhohadcalluses.Theylivedinbigcitieswithaccomplishedmenwhohadimportantjobs
Istaredattheroad,feelingforthefirsttimeinmylifelikeIwishedIwasthekindofmanwhoownedatie—oranicercar.
Shemusthavebeenthinkingthesamething,becausesheputafingertotheholewheretheradiodialusedtobe.“I’veneverbeeninatruckbefore.”
Iglancedather.“You’veneverbeeninatruck?Ever?”
Sheshookherhead.
“Well,you’regonnalovethetractorridelater.”
Shelaughed,andIfeltalittlebetter.AtleastshethoughtIwasfunny.
“Sowherearewegoing?”sheasked.
“It’sasurprise.”
Isloweddownandturnedontothedark,unpaved,woodedroadtoourdestination,andshesatupalittlestraighter.Thenshesawthesignilluminatedattheentryofthelot,andshebrokeoutintoadazzlingsmile.“Adrive-in?”
Igrinned.“IgotBriantoopenitjustforus.”
“I’veneverbeentoone,”shesaid,almostinawe.Shebeamedatme,andallmyreservationsaboutthenightslippedaway.
“You’veneverbeentoadrive-in?”
“No.Weneverreallydidthiskindofstuffgrowingup.”
Ipulledintothelotandparkeduswiththebedofthetruckfacingthescreen.
“Whatkindofstuffdidyoudo?”Iasked,puttingusinpark.
“Notstufflikethis,”shesaid.
Iguessthattracked.Shedidn’treallystrikemeasaswimming-hole,pinball-machine-in-the-pharmacy-during-the-summerkindofwoman.ButIlikedthatIwasgivingheranexperienceshe’dneverhad.ItsomehowseemedimpossiblethatIcould
“StayhereforasecondwhileIsetusup,”Isaid.
Ijumpedoutofthetruckandwenttothebed.Iblewupatwin-sizeairmattressandcovereditwithathick,red,patternedAztecblanket.I’dbroughtsomeheavyblanketsandpillowsandproppedthemagainstthebackwindowsowehadsomethingtoleanon.Ilitacitronellacandlefortheoneortwomosquitoesthatmightbeoutthistimeofyearandputitontheroof.ThenIpluggedinsomewhiteChristmaslightstoaportablepowerinverterandranthosealongthesidestogiveussomelighttoeatby.WhenIwasdone,Iwenttogether.
Iopenedherdoorforher.“Allready.”
Shehoppedoutandcamearoundtheback.“Ohwow,”shesaidwhenshesawit,smiling.
Ihelpedherupandclimbedinafterher.ThenIgrabbedthepicnicbasketDougdroppedoffandstartedpullingthingsout.
Doughadoutdonehimself.Therewashomemadegoatcheesewithslicedpearsdrizzledinhoney,driedfruits,bruschettasandwichesonhisfreshbakedcrustybreadthathemadehimselfwithhisownsourdoughstarter,twothermoseswithhotchocolateinthem—Dougwasalotofthings.Butwhenitcamedowntoit,hewasavery,verygoodfriend.
AnnndIthinkhewastryingtomakeupforthepig.
Shewatchedmesetitallup.ButwhenIhandedherherthermos,Inoticedshelookedalittleserious.
“What’swrong?”
Sheshookherhead.“Thisisallsonice.”
Isenseda“but”coming.
“ButIfeellikeIdohavetoremindyouthatI’mreallynotlookingtodaterightnow.Youdidn’thavetomakesuchabigdealaboutmecoming,”shesaid.
IstoppedwhatIwasdoing.“Okay.Weneedtoclearsomethingup,”Isaid,lookingherintheeye.“Whenyoucomedown—nomatterwhatyoucomedownfor—I’mgoingtomakeabigdealoverit.Becauseitisabigdeal.You’redrivingfourhours,round-trip,tobehere.That’snotnothing.Andifyou’restayingthenight,thisisn’tgoingtobeaquickiesituation.WhileI’dliketosaythatIcouldspendalltwelvehoursofyourstaypleasuringyou,Ican’t.”
Shelaughed.
“We’regoingtodootherthings,”Isaid,goingon.“We’regoingtoeat,andwe’regoingtohangout.AndI’mgoingtoputeffortintothatbecauseyou’reputtinginefforttobehere.Andit’sgoingtobelikethateverytime.Okay?”
Thecornerofherliptwitched.“Okay.”
Ismiled.
Partofthiswasmyhospitalitybackgroundandmyupbringing.Itwasinmyblood.Iwasraisedtocatertotheneedsoftourists.MylifeandthelivesofeveryoneinthistownweredependentuponpeopleenjoyingthemselveswhileinWakan.Buttheotherpartwassomethingelse.
Ilikedher.
Iwantedhertolikecominghere,becauseIwantedhertocomeback.IknewthesecondIsawherpullintomydrivewaythatthiscouldn’tbethelasttime.
Ifallshewantedwassexfornow,itcouldbejustsex.IpreferredsexwithsomeoneIlikedandlookedforwardtoseeing.Thisworkedforme.
Buttherewasaconnection.I’dsenseditbefore,anditwasthesamenow.Icouldn’texplainit.Ididn’tknowifitmeantanythingorifitwouldleadtosomethingelse.Probablynot,allthingsconsidered.AllIknewforsurewasthatsheneededtocomeback.
“Whatarewewatching?”sheasked,sittingwithherlegscrossedunderher.
“Wecanpick.Herearetheoptions,”Isaid,swipingopenmyphonetoreadthetextBriansent.“Okay,we’vegotGremlins,PrettyWoman,BreakfastClub,PrincessBride—”
“PrincessBride,”shesaidquickly.
“Asyouwish.”
Shesmiled,andIshotatexttoBrian,whowaswaitingintheprojectionroomabovetheclosedsnackbar.Amomentlaterthemovieflickeredtolife.
Amessagecameuponthemassivescreen:
HEMUSTREALLYLIKEYOU.HEBEGGEDMETODOTHIS.ENJOYTHESHOW.
Alexislaughed.
FuckingBrian.Ifeltmycheeksheat.Iwasgratefulforthedimlighting.
“Youbeggedhim,huh?”Shesmiled.
“Hedidn’tfolduntilIcried.”
Sheshookherhead,stilllaughing.
Thescreenwentintoapre–moviereel.SilentadsforplacesintownthatwerecloseduntilJune.
Blackbugszippedaroundinfrontofthescreen.
“Whatarethose?”sheasked,noddingatthem.
“Dragonflies,”Isaid,wipingmyhandsonanapkin.“Thoughit’salittleearlyforthem.It’sbeenkindofwarmthisspring.”
Shesquintedatthem.“There’ssomany.”
Ileanedbackonmyhands.“Mygrandmausedtosaythatdragonfliesmeanchangeiscoming.”
Shewentquietforamoment.“Mustbealotofchange.”
“Itmust.”
Ikeptglancingatherwhileweateinthewhiteglow.
Shewassobeautiful.Icouldn’tbelieveI’dgottenhertocomebackhere.Mademealittleproudofmysexskills.
“DoesBrianownthedrive-in?”sheasked,eatingadriedapricot.
Inodded.“Thatandthegrocerystore.”
“Andyou’rethemayor,andyourunabed-and-breakfast?”
“Weallwearmultiplehatsaroundhere.LizworksattheVFWandwaitsontablesatJane’sthreedaysaweek.Dougdoesoddjobs.Andthemayorthingreallyisn’tabigdeal.It’smostlytownhallmeetings.”
“Forwhat?”
Isnorted,pickingupacracker.“Formetoresolvepettysquabbles.”
“Like?”
Ichewedandswallowed.“Well,liketellingtheLutsenstheycan’thavechickensontheroofofthebarbershopbecausethefeathersareblowingintothecandystoreacrossthestreet.Barkingdogcomplaints,judgingthebuttercarvingcontestinDoug’sbarnonHalloween.Youknow,importantstufflikethat.”
Shelaughed.
Itookasipofhotchocolate.“Soareyougoingtotellmewhatyoudoforaliving?”
Shegavemehoodedeyes.“Imean,isn’titmorefunifI’mmysterious?”
“Ithinkit’smorefunifIgettoknowyou.”
Shetwistedherlips.
Shedidn’twanttotellme.
“IstheresomethingnefariousyouthinkI’mgoingtodowiththisinformation?”Iteased.
Shetuckedherhairbehindherear.“I’minthefamilybusiness.”
“Whichis…”
“HowaboutIgiveyouthreeguesses.”
Ismiled.“Okay.AndwhatdoIgetifIguessright?”
Shearchedaplayfuleyebrow.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Iwantyoutocomebacknextweekend.”
Shegavemeanamusedsmile.“Okay,”shesaid.“Youhaveadeal.”
Irubbedmyhandstogether.“DoIgetanyquestionsbeforeIguess?”
Sheshookherhead.“Nope.Youhavetogoincold.”
Crap.Thiswasgoingtobehard.ItriedtothinkofthelittleIknewabouther.Shewaspolishedandelegant.Smart.Myguesswasawhite-collarjob.Sheobviouslycamefrommoney,sosheprobablymadealot,whatevershedid.
“Alawyer,”Isaid.
Shetiltedherhead.“DoIseemlikesomeonewhonegotiatesforaliving?”
“YouhustledDoug,”Ipointedout.
Shelaughed.“No.Notalawyer.”
“CEO.”
“Nope.”
“Damn,”Iwhispered.
“That’stwo,”shesaid,smiling.“Onemore.”
Ipursedmylips.
“Banking?”
Sheshookherhead.“No.”
Ipuffedairintomycheeks.“Sowhataremychancesofgettingyoutocomedownnextweekendanyway?”Igaveheraraisedeyebrow.
“Notgood.”
“Soyou’resayingthere’sachance…”
Shelaughedatthemoviescreen.“Let’sjustseehowtonightgoes.”
Wefinishedthefoodrightasthemoviestarted,andIputeverythinginthepicnicbasketandpulledoutablanketsowecouldliedown.Iwasgladitwasalittlecold,becausesheneededmeforwarmth.Shescootedoverandletmeputanarmaroundher.Shesnuggledintothecrookofmyelbow,anditwassofamiliarandcomfortableIhadtoremindmyselfthiswasonlythesecondtimewe’dbeentogether.
Anddamn,shesmelledgood.Itwasintoxicating.Ididn’tevenwanttowatchthemovie,Ijustwantedtoputmynosetoherneck,andIknewifIdid,bothofuswouldendupwithhickeysagainbeforewedroveoutofhere.
Itriedtobehavemyselfandwatchtheshow,butIgotthesenseherattentionwasn’tfaringmuchbetter.Imadeamentalnotetotakeherupstairsbeforetakingheroutnexttime.Neitherofuscouldfocus.
WestleywasswordfightingInigoMontoyawhenIglanceddownatAlexisagain.Butshewasn’tlookingatthescreen.Shewaslookingatthesky.
Shenoticedmeandturnedsoherlipswereaninchfrommine.“Idon’trememberthelasttimeIlookedatstars,”shesaidquietly.“Maybenever.It’ssopeacefulhere.”
“Wedon’thavethelightpollution,”Isaid.“ThestarsarealwaysreallyniceinWakan.”
Idroppedmyeyestohermouth.
SheclearedherthroatandlookeddownatthearmIhadlyingacrossmystomach.“Tellmeaboutyourtattoos.”
Iheldupmyarmtoshowher.“It’srosesonbothsides.”
“Why?”
“Thesearetheflowersfromthebanisteronthestairs.TheywereoneofthefirstthingsIrememberasakid.Oneofmyfavoritethingsinthehouse.AndGrandpaalwaysbroughtGrandmaroses.”
Shetracedafingeroverapetal,andIwatchedher.Ifeltmyheartpickingupjustfromthistinycontact,likeeventhisminorattentionfromherwasenoughtoputmybodyonalert.Whenshegottomywrist,Ithreadedmyfingersinhers.SheclosedherhandaroundmineandIsmiled.
Maybewomenlikethisdidholdhandswithmenwithcalluses…
Shetippedherheadupagaintolookatme.“Whydon’tyouhaveagirlfriend?”sheasked.
“What?”
“You’resweet.You’rethoughtful.You’renothardtolookat,andthesexis…whydon’tyouhaveone?”
“Thesexiswhat?”Ibeamed.
Sheproppedherselfonherelbow,ourhandsstillclaspedbetweenus.“Well?”
Iproppedmyselftoo.“Iwasseeingsomeoneupuntilafewmonthsago.Itwasn’tserious.”
“Whywasn’titserious?”sheasked.
Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow.Ijustcouldn’teverseeherpastadayIguess.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Ineverenvisionedherinthefuture.IonlyeverwantedtoseeherthedayIwantedtoseeher.Youknowhowwhenyoulikesomeone,youwanttomakeplanswiththem?Ineverwantedtomakeplanswithher.”
“Butyouwanttomakeplanswithmenextweekend,huh?”
Igrinned.“Busted.”
Shelaughed.“Igetthatwholedaything,”shesaid.“AttheendIcouldn’tevenseemyexpastaminute.”
“Ohyeah?Whatwashelike?”
Shegavemeaone-shouldershrug.“Arrogant.Asurgeon.”
Ifeltmyselfdeflate.SoI’dbeenrightaboutthekindofmensheliked.Educated.Accomplished.
Theoppositeofme.
Surgeon.Maybethat’swhatshedidforaliving?
“Areyouasurgeon?”Iasked.
Hersmilefellalittle.“That’sfourguesses.Butno.”
Therewassomethingalittletightaboutthewayshesaidno.Ididn’tknowhowtorespond,soIdidtheonlythingIcouldthinkoftofillthesilence.Ileanedforwardandkissedher.
Turnsout,itwastherightmove.
I’dhadchemistrywithotherwomen,butI’dneverexperiencedanimalmagnetismbefore.It’sthekindofthingthat’sunmistakablewhenit’shappening—andithappenedwithher.Thesameaslasttime,onlystronger.Thesexualtensionbetweenthetwoofuswaslikeasunflowerturnedtothesky.I’dfeltitevenwhenshewasgone,Irealized.LikemybodywaslookingforhereventhoughIdidn’tknowwhereshewas.Itwasashiftingravity.Twobodiesinahammock,oranoldmattressthatdipsinthemiddle.Icouldfeelusrollingtowardeachother.
It’sthekindofpullthat’seasiertogiveintothanitistogetoutof.Chapter10
Alexis
We’djustgottenhomefromthedrive-in.He’dchasedmegigglingupthesteps,andIhadmybackpressedagainstthedoorofmyroom.
“Thatwasfun,”Isaid,bitingmylip.“IloveThePrincessBride.Ithinkwecouldhavepaidbetterattentionthough…”
Danielclosedthespacebetweenus,andhisbodyheatboredownonme.“Inconceivable,”hesaid,crushinghislipstomine.Hiskisswaswarmandwetandperfect,andarock-hardbonerpressedintomystomach.
Ibrokeaway,breathless.“Youkeepusingthatword.Idon’tthinkitmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans.”
Helaughed,andfirmhandsslidaroundmywaistanddownmyback.
Oh,myGod…
I’dmadeoutwithaboyinthebedofatruck.
WeprobablywouldhavedonealotmorethanthatifBrianhadn’tbeenintheprojectionroomandwe’dhadacondom.
I’drevertedbacktosixteenyearsold—onlyI’dneverdonethisstuffatsixteen.AtsixteenIwastakingAPchemcoursesandvolunteeringatthehospital.Iwasnotmakingoutwithgood-lookingsmall-townboysinthebedsoftrucks.
Danielpulledawayaninchfrommymouth.Hishotbreathrolledovermylips.Myunderwearwasdrenched.
“Goodnight,”hewhispered.
Thenhepushedoffmeandstarteddownthehall.
Istaredafterhiminshock.“Wha—you’renot…?”
Heturnedtolookatme.“Notwhat?”Heblinkedatmeinnocently.
“Ithought…Imean…you’renotgoingtostay?”
“Oh,forthat?Iwantto.Obviously.”Hegesturedtothefrontofhispantsandmadeafacelikeanyotherideawasridiculous.“ButIcan’t.Thatwasmygrandparents’bedroom.Iwouldn’tbeabletodothethingsIwanttodotoyouinthere.Wouldn’tfeelright.”
“Well,there’sthreeotherrooms…”
Heshrugged.“They’renotmadeup.”Heputathumboverhisshoulder.“Ofcourse,wecouldalwaysgobacktomyloft.”Hesmiled.“Ican’treallythinkofasinglethingIwouldn’tdotoyouinmyownbed.Allnight.Asmanytimesasyouwant.”
Sothat’swhatthiswasabout.
Icrossedmyarms.“Youreallywantmetospendthenightwithyou,don’tyou?”
“Iwantyoutodowhateveryou’recomfortablewith.Andyoucouldalwayscomebackheretosleeplater.”Heputahandup.“UnlessImakeyoutootiredtowalktheshortdistancefromthegaragetothehouse.Whichyoushouldknowismygoal.”Hisdimplespopped.“Also,thisplaceishaunted.Iwouldn’tsleepherealone.”Hemadeafakescaredface
Ilaughed,andhiseyessparkled,andheknewhehadme.NotbecauseIbelievedinghosts,butbecausehewastooadorabletorefuse.
Danielsomehowmanagedtobecharmingandcompletelydown-to-earthwhilealsoexudingpuresex.Itwasthemostbafflingcombination.
AndoneIwasn’tcapableofrefusing.Chapter11
Daniel
Thephonewokemeupatseven-thirty.
Alexiswasstillhere,nakedandcurledupnexttomeinmybed.Ifiledthisawayasavictory.
Ididn’twanthertogetusedtostayinginthebighouse.Itwouldn’talwaysbeavailable,anditwasn’twhereIlived.WhereIdidlivewasn’tgreat,butitwaswhereIlived.Andthesoonershegotcomfortablestayingatmyplace,thebetter,becauseshehadtokeepcomingback.Shehadto.
Thesexwasunreal.Itwaslikefindingtheperfectdancepartnerandthenonlygettingbetterbecausenowyouwerepracticingtogether
Icouldn’tkeepmyhandsoffher.Hell,shecouldn’tkeepherhandsoffme.IwasgoingtohavetostartkeepingGatoradeonthenightstand.
Ileanedoverandpickedupmyringingcellwithasmile.“Hello?”
“Hey,hon,it’sDoreen.HopeIdidn’twakeyou.”
“It’sfine,”Isaid,rubbingmyeyes.“What’sup?”
“Popeyedidn’tcomeinthismorning.Now,Iknowsometimesherunsalittlelate,especiallyifJean’sdog’sbeendoingherbusinessonhislawnandhe’sgettin’intoitwithher,butit’salmosttwentypastandhe’snothere.Ididn’twanttocallforthesheriff,’causeyouknowhowPopsfeelsaboutJake.”
Shit.
“Allright,thanksforlettingmeknow.I’llheadovertherenow.”Ihungup.
Alexissatuponherelbows.“Everythingokay?”
Ithrewoffthecoversandstartedjumpingintopants.“Ihavetorunout,”Isaid.“Idon’tknowwhattimeI’llbeback.Ineedtocheckinonsomeone.”
“Isitmedical?”
“Ithinkso.”
Shegotuptoo.“I’llgowithyou.”
Ididn’targue.One,becauseIdidn’tlikelosingtimewithher,andtwo,becauseifPopeyewasstillalive,Icouldprobablyusethehelp.Hewasahandful.Healwaystooktowomen,sohe’dprobablyputuplessofafightifshewasthere.
Shegotdressedquickly,andHunterfollowedonherheelsrightupuntilshejumpedinthetruck.“Whathappened?”sheasked,slammingthedoor.
Ifireduptheengine.“Popeyedidn’tcomeintothedinerthismorning,”IsaidasIbackeddownthedrive.
Popswaslikeclockwork.Hewasatthedinerbyseveno’clockeverysingleday,rain,sun,orsnow.Ifhedidn’tcomein,somethingwasseriouslywrong.
“Popeye?”sheasked.
“Hesquintswithoneeye.Kindalookslikehim,”IsaidasIturnedontotheroad.Itwasonlyatwo-minutedrive.
“Howoldishe?”sheasked.
“Ninetyatleast.”
“Anypreexistingconditions?”
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tthinkso.”
“Dementia,highbloodpressure,diabetes?”
Iglancedather.“Idon’tknow.Nothinghe’severmentioned.He’sprettysharp.”
“Anyideawhatmedicationshe’son?Hasheeverbeenhospitalized?”
Iblinkedather.“No…”
Iwantedtoaskheraboutthequestions,butIdidn’thaveachancebecauseIwaspullinguptohistinyone-storyhouse.Iputthetruckinpark.“Stayhere.”
Shegotunbuckled.“I’mnotstayinginthecar.”
“Whatifhe’sdead?”
“IthinkIcanhandleit.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“Whatifhe’snaked?”
“NothingIhaven’tseen,”shesangandgotout.
Ismiledafterher,thenjoggedupthewalkwayandknocked.“Pops?Youthere?”Igavehimaminute.Whenhedidn’tanswer,Ifishedthesparekeytohishouseoffmykeychain.Popeyewasarmedandnotafraidtoshoot,soIknockedandcalledoutasloudlyaspossibleasIopenedthedoor.Ipusheditinslowlyandpeeredinside.“Pops?”
Amoancamefromthebedroom.Iranthroughthedark,mustyhouseandburstthroughthedoor.Popeyewasonthefloornexttothebed.Hewasawakeandsittingup,stillinhispajamas,hisbackproppedagainstthefrontofhisnightstand.
“Hey,youokay?”Icrouchednexttohim.
“Ifellgettin’outtathisdamnbed.Couldn’tgetmyfeetundermetogetbackup.Well,helpmeforGod’ssake!”
Iputanarmbehindhimandhelpedhimtotheedgeofthemattress.Hesmelledhorrible.Acridsweatandammonia.Myeyesstartedtowater.“Jesus,Pops,you’reripe.When’sthelasttimeyouhadashower?”
Heyankedhisarmaway.“Whothehellareyou,mywife?”hesnapped.
Well,atleasthewasn’tinjuredenoughtostopbarkingatme.“Doyouthinkyoubrokeanything?”
Heglaredatmeunderhisthickwhiteeyebrows,starkagainsthisblackskin.“No,Ididn’tbreakanything.Gottapisslikearacehorsethough.Tookyoulongenoughtogethere.”
Alexisknockedonthedoorframeandcameupnexttome.“Hi,Popeye.I’mDr.Alexis.IsitokayifIhaveaquicklookatyou?”
Istoppedandstaredather.“You’readoctor?”
“Iam.”ShesmiledatPops.“Doesanythinghurt?”
Heeyedherlikehewastryingtodecideifheshouldtrusther.“No.”
Shepulledouthercellphoneandturnedontheflashlight.“Justaquicklighthere.”Sheflasheditinhislefteye,thenhisright.“Good.What’syourfullname,Popeye?”
Helookedatmeandthenbackather.“ThomasAvery,”hegrumbled.
“Canyoutellmewhatdayitis?”
“It’sWednesday,”hesaidgrumpily.“TunameltdayatJane’s.”
Shelookedatmeforconfirmationonthetunamelt,andInodded.Thenshetookhiswristandputtwofingersonhispulse,lookingatherwatch.
Itwaslikeshe’dtransformedbeforemyeyes.Everythingabouthershifted.Shewasaprofessionalallofasudden,goingthrougharoutineIcouldtellshe’ddoneamilliontimes.Ijuststaredather.
“Whatwereyoudoingwhenyoufell?”sheaskedPops.
“Justgettin’outofbed.”
“Doyouhaveanyconditionsyoucantellmeabout?Highbloodpressure?Ahistoryofstrokes?Heartattacks?”
Heshookhishead.“Fitasafiddle.”
Shesmiledandpeeredoverathisnightstand.“Arethesetheonlymedicationsyou’reon?”
“FarasIknow.”
Shepickedupthetwobottlesandstudiedthem.Sheshookone.“Didyoutakethiswithfood?”
“ItakeitlikeIalwaystakeit.WithwaterbeforeIgetup.”
Shesmiled.“Ifyoudon’ttakethisonewithfood,itcanmakeyoudizzy.Doyouhavesomecrackersyoucankeepbythebed?Somethingtoputinyourstomachnexttime?”
Heshookhishead.
“Okay.Well,we’llgetyousome.Ithinkyou’reingoodshape.Butyouneedtofollowupwithyourprimarycarephysician,okay?Afallatyouragecanbeabigdeal.”
“Fine.MindifItakeapissnow?”
Shegrinnedatme.
Ihelpedhimstandsohecouldusethetoilet.Heshuffledintothehallwaybathroom,mumblingtohimself.Assoonasthedoorclickedbehindhim,Ilookedather.
“I’mgoingtocheckaroundforothermedications,”shesaid,walkingoutofthebedroom.
Istaredafterher.
Adoctor?
Ifeltlikethechasmbetweenushadjustdeepened.ItwaslikeeverytimeIthoughtIwaslevelingup,IrealizedIwasn’tevenclose.Adamndoctor
Iblewabreathoutandlookedaround.Theplacewasamess.“Pops,isJeanstillcleaningforyou?”Iaskedthroughthedoor.“When’sthelasttimeshewashere?”
ThelongsoundofPopeyerelievinghimselftinkledfromthebathroom.
“Itoldhertopissoffweeksago.”
Idraggedahanddownmyface.“Thisplacelookslikeshit.”Istartedgatheringalltheclothesonthefloorandtossingthemintoapile.“Who’sdoingyourlaundry?”
Thebathroomdooropened,andhecameout,grumbling.“I’mdoingit.Shedidacrapjob.MademyT-shirtssmelllikepetunias.”
“Weneedtogetyouintheshower,”Isaid.“Doyouneedhelp?”
Henoddedinthedirectionofthekitchen,awhitecaterpillareyebrowraised.“Shecouldhelpme.”
IsawAlexisstifleasmilethroughthedoorway.
Islappedahandonhisshoulder.“Okay,oldman,let’sgo.”
Hehadahardtimesteppingovertherimofthetub.Ihadtobracehim,andhealmosthadanotherfall.“I’llcomegetyouwhenIhearthewaterturnoff.Don’ttrygettingoutwithoutme,”Isaid.
“Yeah,yeah.Getthehellout.”
IwentovertotalktoAlexiswhiletheshowerwasrunning,leaningonthecounterbythesink.
“Doeshehaveanybruising?”sheasked.
“NotthatIsaw.”
“Doeshehaveanyfamily?Whotakescareofhim?”
Irubbedthebackofmyneck,lookingaroundthedimhouse.“Nobody?Allofus?It’ssortofagroupeffort.”
“Daniel,”shesaid,hervoicelow.“He’sgoingtoneedmorehelpthanhe’sgetting.Heneedsfoodinthehouseandsomeonetomakesurehe’sshowering.”
Idraggedahanddownmybeard.“Hetoldmehefellgettinginthetublastweek.Ithinkitscaredhim.”
“YoucanputacallintoAdultProtectionServices.Trytogethimapersonalcareassistant,MealsonWheels.”
Ishookmyhead.“It’shardtogethelpouthere.I’llworkoutaschedule.I’llgetsomeoneinhereonceadaytoclean,checkonhim.AndI’llinstallarailinginthebathtub.Maybesometreadsontheflooroftheshower.”
Shenodded.“Andheneedstotakethosepillswithfood.Heprobablyfellbecausehegotdizzy.”
“Okay.I’llgivethemtoDoreen.She’llgivethemtohimwithhisbreakfastwhenhecomesintothediner.”
Shesmiled.
“What?”
Sheshookherhead.“It’sjust…Idon’tknow.Ilikethatyouguystakecareofeachother.”
“That’showitishere.It’swhatwedo.”Itiltedmyhead,noticingsomething.“Didyouputmakeupon?”
We’dendedupintheshowerlastnight.Shedidn’thaveanyonwhenshewenttobed,andshegotupwhenIdid.AtleastIthoughtshedid.
“Yeah,”shesaid,tuckingherhairbehindherear.“Why?”
Ilookedather,confused.“When?”
Shepaused.“Beforeyouwokeup.”
Iblinkedather.“Yougotupjusttoputmakeupon?Weren’tyoutired?Youdidn’twanttosleep?”
Shedidn’tanswerme.
“Ihopeyoudidn’tdothatforme,”Isaid.“Idon’tcarewhatyouwakeuplookinglike.”
Imeantit.Ididn’t.
Herfacecalledbullshit.
“Idon’tcareaboutthatstuff,”Isaid.“I’dratheryousleep.Ifwe’regonnabepullingall-nighters,Ineedyoutokeepyourstrengthup.”
Shelaughed.Thenshebitherlip.“Okay.”
Inoddedatthehouse.“I’mgonnacleanupalittle.Whenhe’sreadywecantakehimtogoeatatJane’s.”
Butsheshookherhead.“IthinkI’mgoingtoheadout.”
Mylipsfell.“You’renotgoingtostayforbreakfast?”
Sheslippedherhandsintoherbackpockets.“No,Ihavestufftodoathome.Youdon’thavetodrivemebacktothehouse,Iremembertheway,Icanwalk.It’snotfar,andyoudidn’tlockthegarage.Youtakehimtoeat.”
Shedidn’twanttobeseenwithme.
Notoutinpublicanyway.She’dbeenperfectlywillingtostayforbreakfastwhenwewerebackatthehouse…
Ididn’tknowwhatIexpected.Iguessitwasatallorder,askinghertogoaroundtownwithme.Thingswerenewandwedidn’treallyknowwhatthiswasyet.Butitstillbotheredme.
“Okay,”Isaid.“WhencanIseeyouagain?”
Shegavemeanoncommittalone-shouldershrug.“Idon’tknow.I’lltextyou.”Shestoodonhertiptoesandgavemeaquickpeck.“Ihadareallygoodtime.”Shesmiled.“Thanksforhavingme.”
“Yeah.Thanksforcoming.”
Iwatchedherletherselfout,disappointedthatthevisitwasover.
WhileIwaitedforPops,Iwentaroundcombingfordishes.ThenIgrabbedatrashbagandstartedchuckingoldnewspapersandtake-outcontainers.Theplacewaswrecked.Dustyandcluttered.Alongdouble-barrelshotgunlayacrossthecoffeetable.ItwasbiggerthanPopeyewas.He’dbeencleaningit,andametalrodandoil-soakedragslaytossedaroundnexttoaboxofshells.
Ihopedhewasn’tplanningonshootingJean’sdog.
OrJean.
Icamebackintothekitchenandpulledoutthekitchentrash.WhenIheardtheshowershutoff,Iwenttogethim,andafewminuteslaterhecameoutdressedandclean.
Popeyewouldn’tletmehelphimintothetruck.Thedinerwasonlyablockaway,butIcouldtellbyhowslowhewasmovingthathewasalittlesorefromhisfall.Thesecondgiveawaywasthathedidn’tfightmetolethimwalkthere.IpulledupasclosetothedooraspossiblewithoutitlookinglikeIwastryingtobabyhim,whichhe’dhate.
Doreenwasrelievedtoseehim,andwesatatthecounter.
Doreenpouredcoffeeinourcups,andwhenshewasgone,Popeyemumbledatme.“She’llcomecalling.”
Ipouredhalfandhalfintomymug.“Who?”
Hepivotedtolookatme.“Thedoctor!Actinglikeyoudon’tknowwhoI’mtalkin’about…”hemuttered.“Thetown’llget’erback.”
Iwrinkledmybrowsathim.“Idon’tfollow.”
“Thetown!It’llget’erback!Itpickswhoitwants.I’veknowneverylifergoingbackninety-sixyears.IknowonewhenIseeone.Yourgrandparents,you,Doug,Doreen.Notyourmama.Iknewitthemomentshecameintotheworld,sheweren’tforhere.Thetownknewittoo,letherleave.”
Iblinkedathim.“Letherleave?”
Helookedatmeforamoment,squintingwithhisgoodeye.“It’salive,youknow.”
“What’salive?”
“Thisplace.Itbreatheslikeyouandme.It’sgotmagicinit.”
Igrabbedthesugarjar,amused.“Magic,huh.”
Heglaredatme.“Goahead,pokefunatme.Butwhenthingsstarthappenin’youcan’texplain,snowinJuly,luckycoincidences,you’llchangeyourtune.Thereain’tnocoincidenceshere,boy.It’sthetown,protectingitself.AndI’mtellin’ya,itlikesthatgirlfriendofyoursandit’llget’erback.”
Isighed.Maybehewasgettingalittleconfusedinhisoldageafterall.
NotthatIcouldn’tusesomemysticintervention…
Shewasadoctor
Wedidn’thavepeoplelikethathere.Hell,Ithinktherewerelessthanadozencollege-educatedpeopleinthewholetown.Wewereallintheserviceindustry—wedidn’thavewhite-collarjobsinWakan.Wedidn’thaveaclinicwhereshecouldwork,letaloneahospital.Wedidn’tevenhaveabloodpressuremachineinthepharmacy.
IfinishedbreakfastandtookPopeyehome.WhenIgotbacktomyplace,Alexiswasgone.Isatonthebottomofthespiralsteps,lookingoutintothegarage.Huntertrottedoverandsatnexttome.
Ilookedatmydogandscoffed.“Pleasetellmeyou’rekidding.Isthishowyoulookedwhenshecameback?We’retryingtomakeagoodimpressionandbothyourearsareinsideout.”
Heblinkedatme,andIhadtolaugh.Hehadapinklipstickkissonhisforehead.
Ismiledandflippedhisearsbackandletoutalongbreath.“Howyouthinkwedid,buddy?Thinkshe’llcallus?”
Helookedoveratme,histonguelollingoutofhismouth.
ThenInoticedmyblackhoodiewasmissingfromthehookbythefrontdoor.Chapter12
Alexis
Iwasonarunwithmynext-doorneighbor,Jessica,onthetrailsbyourhouse.I’dgottenhomefromDaniel’safewhoursearlier.MyfriendJessicawasforty-fiveandstatuesque.ShewasanOB-GYNatRoyaumeNorthwesternandmarriedtoalawyernamedMarcus.
Shehatedhim.
“Howcanyoutellwhenit’stimetoputsaltinthewatersoftener?”Iasked.
“Myhairtellsme,”shesaidflatly.Jessicawasalwaysalittlecrabby.
“What?”
“Whenmyhairstopsfeelingsoft,Iknowthething’soutofsalt.Why?”
“IhavetodoitnowthatNeil’sgone.”
“I’llcomeoverandshowyou.I’mtheonewhodoesitatmyhouse.HeavenforbidMarcusliftafinger.”Shecheckedherwatch.“Sowherewereyou?”sheasked.“YoumissedbuncoatGabby’slastnight.”
“Iknow,”Isaid.“Iwasoutoftown.”
Shelookedstraightahead.“Ifyou’regettingworkdone,Iwanttoknowwhere.”
“What?”
“NewYork?L.A.?You’reglowing.Wasitthatnewlighttherapy?Apeel?Don’tbeselfish,wesharethisinformation.”
“Ididn’tgetworkdone.”
Shelookedoveratmeandstudiedthesideofmyface.“Okay.Thenwherewereyou?”
Iwentquietforasecond.Mostlybecauseherlegswerelongerthanmine,andIhadtorunhardertokeepupandIcouldn’ttalkthroughitlikeshecould.ButalsobecauseIneededtogathermythoughts.
I’dcalledJessicabecausebetweenherandGabby,shewastheonewho’dbethemostreceptivetowhatIwasdoingwithDaniel.AndIwasgoingtohavetotellthemeventually.
Myneighborssaweverything.
Everything.
Theywatchedtheirsecuritycamerasfromtheirphonesatworklikeitwastheirfavoritechannel.
IfIcamehomelate—ornotatall—itwasonlyamatteroftimeuntiltheynoticed.AndI’drathergetaheadofit.EspeciallybecauseIwasprettysurethisDanielthingwasgoingtokeepbeingathing.Notaseriousthing.Notaforeverthing.Butdefinitelyafrequentthing,atleastfornow.
Ilikedhim.Hewasfun.Andthesexhadbeenevenbetterthistime,ifthatwaspossible.
Ididn’tstayforbreakfast.
Therewasonlyonedinerintown,andIdidn’twanttoadvertisethewhole“Hey!Iwokeuphere!Withhim!Wehadsex!”thingthatwouldbeveryobviousifwe’dshownuptogether.Weweren’tdating—thiswasafling.Wedidn’tneedtoleteveryoneknowaboutit.
“Iwasataguy’shouselastnight,”Isaidfinally.
Jessicastoppedrunning.“Well?”shesaid,notlookingintheleastbitsurprised.“Whoishe?”
Iputmyhandsonmyhips,catchingmybreath.“Imethimaweekago.I’veseenhimtwice.I’mgoingtokeepseeinghim,Ithink.”
“Okay.”ShelookedatherheartrateonherFitbit.“Andwhere’dyoumeet?”
Ipulledoutmywaterbottleandtookadrink.“Imethimafterthefunerallastweek,drivingthroughhistown.”
“HaveyoutoldGabby?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Notyet.Youcantellherifyouwant.It’snotreallyabigdeal.IjustfiguredIshouldtellyouguysbeforeyoustarttonoticemenotcominghomeatnight.”
“DoesNeilknow?”
“Nope,”Isaid,makingapoppingnoiseontheP.
“Good,”shesaiddryly.“Getallyourragesexoutofyoursystemandthenyoutwocangetbacktogetherwithanevenscore.”
Mysmilefell.“Jessica,I’mnotgettingbackwithhim.Ever.”
“Uh-huh,”shesaiddismissively,stretchingherhamstring.
“Jessica…”
Igavemyselfalongmoment.
“Doyouknowwhatheusedtodo?”Iasked,lookingoverather.“HeusedtotellmeIsmelledbad.”
Shewrinkledherforeheadatme.“What?”
“Rightbeforewe’dwalkintoapartyorarestaurantorsomethinghe’dleaninandgo,‘Didyoutakeashowertoday?’Andyouknowme.I’mcompulsivelyclean.I’dbehalfanhouroutofabubblebath,andhe’dwrinklehisnoseandtellmemydeodorantwasn’tworking.I’dgotokisshim,andhe’dturnhisfaceandaskmeifI’dhadonionsfordessert.”
“Youdon’tsmell,”shesaid.“Iwouldtellyou.”
“Yeah,well,Iwassofreakedaboutit,IhadBrigivemeafullphysicaltoseeifsomethingwaswrong.Camebackwithnothing.IwenttothedentisttoseeifIhadanissuewithmymouth,samething,nothing.
“Hewouldn’ttouchmeorkissme.Iwastakingthree,fourshowersadayattheend,brushingmyteethconstantly.Iwasonthevergeofanervousbreakdown.Andyouknowwhatmytherapistsaid?Shesaidit’saformofabuse.Thathewaspurposelyloweringmyself-esteem.”
Someoneonabikechimedtheirbell,andwesteppedontothegrassshoulder.WewaitedforthemtowhizpastusbeforeIcontinued.
Irubbedmyforehead.“It’ssomuchtounpack,Jessica.IfeellikeI’vetoppleddownatherapyrabbitholeoverthelastsixmonths.
“Itwasgoodinthebeginning.Hewasnice.Wegotserious,boughtthehouse.Hewaskindofcrankysometimes,butitwasn’tbad.ThenhestartedmakingtheselittlecommentsabouthowIlooked.Didn’tthatusedtofitbetter?Whydoyoulooksotired?Jokingthatifhe’dknownhowmuchIwasgoingtoletmyselfgooncewewerelivingtogether,hewouldhavenevermovedinwithme—”
“Letyourselfgo?”Shesoundedannoyed.“Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenyouwithoutlipstick.”
“Yeah,well,itjustkeptgettingworse.Afterawhilehewouldn’teventalktomeinthemorninguntilIhadmyfaceon.I’dwakeupandhe’dleaninandsniffandshakehisheadandthenhe’dbeirritatedalldaylikeI’dpickedafightwithhim.Istartedgettingupbeforehedidtogetready.Sixa.m.andI’mshoweredandinfullmakeup.AndifIdidn’tdoitandhemadesomecommentI’dfindmyselfapologizing,likehisreactionwascompletelyreasonable.Hewasalwaysinthesebadmoods.IneverknewwhichNeilIwasgoingtoget.Onedayhe’scookingmeanicedinner,myfavoritebottleofwine,andthenexthe’smadatmeforGodknowswhatbecausehewon’tevenspeaktome.Itwaslikehelikedmeoneggshells.LikeaslongasIwasrunningafterhim,begginghimtotellmewhatwaswrong,whatIcoulddobetter,hewashappy.
“Icouldneverrelax,Istartedgettingdepressed,Ihadanxietyallthetime.IwasmiserableandIfelttotallytrappedwhileatthesametimefeelinggratefulthathewaswithme,becausewhoelsewouldwantme?”
Sheshookherhead.“Ali,Ihadnoidea.”
Iscoffed.“Ihadnoideaeither.Itstartedsogradually,Ididn’tevennoticeitwashappeninguntilitwassobaditwasmywholelife.Itwasn’tuntilIhadatherapistbreakingitdownformethatIevenrealizedwhathewasdoing.ItwaslikeI’dbeenbrainwashedintothinkingthiswasnormal.”
Twojoggerspassedus,andwewentquietuntiltheywereoutofearshot.
Iletoutalongbreath.“Ialmostdiedofreliefwhenhehadthataffair,becausenowIdidn’tneedanexcusetoleavehim.‘Neilcheated,soIIeft.He’sthebadguy,I’mout.’Cut-and-dry.Onlyit’snot,becausenowhe’splayingthewholeremorsefulexthingandeveryonefeelssorryforhim.AndIdon’tthinkheevenexpectedmetobreakupwithhim.IthinkheactuallythoughtIwasgoingtostickaroundandkeepwhathedidquietlikeIalwaysdidbecauseI’dbesoembarrassedthatIwasdisgustingenoughtodrivehimintothearmsofanotherwoman.”
Herfacewashard.“Whoelseknows?”sheasked.“Bri?”
Ishrugged.“Itoldherafter,whenIwasstartingtounderstanditmyself.Imean,sheneverlikedhim.Butheneverdiditinfrontofanyone,andit’ssortofhardtoexplain.Canyouimaginemetryingtotellyouguysthis?ConvinceyouthatNeilwasmeantome?Everyone’sfavoriteguy,Neil?Complainabouthimbeingagoodboyfriendandlettingmeknowthatmybreathsmellsbad?You’dprobablybemoreinclinedtothinkthathewastryingtohelpmeoutthantobelievethathewasbeingpurposelycruel.Itwouldn’tevensurprisemeifyoudidn’tbelievemenow—”
“Ibelieveyou,”shesaidflatly.
Iblinkedather.
“Ali,menaretwothings.Disappointingandconsistent.Ibelieveyou.”
Idon’tknowwhatitwas.SayingitoutloudtosomeoneI’dhiddenitfromforsolong.Thetinyvictoryofclaimingoneofourmutualfriendstomyside,orjusthavingsomeoneelseknowitandbelieveit—butmychinstartedtoquiver.
“Ishouldhaveknown,right?”Iwhispered.“Iknowwhatabuselookslike.ButIjustthoughtitwasdifferent,youknow?Someonehittingyou,callingyounames,yelling.Ididn’tknowitwaslikethis.”Iwipedundermyeyeswiththesideofmyhand.“Honestly,hedidmeafavorwiththatwoman.IshouldsendheranEdibleArrangement.”
“Youshould.Usehiscreditcard.”
Ilaughedweakly.
Shegavemeamomenttocomposemyself.Thenweturnedandkeptwalkingalongthetree-linedtrail.
“Soyou’reseeingsomeone,”shesaid,circlingbacktothebeginning.
“Yeah.”Isniffed.“It’snotserious.”
“Justdomeafavorwithyournewboytoy.Besafe.Bringyourowncondoms,watchhimputiton,andmakesureit’sstillonwhenyou’redone.”
Iglancedather.“Whywoulditnotbeon?”
“Becausetheytakeitoff.”
Ipulledmyfaceback.“Like,onpurpose?”
Shescoffed.“Ali,neverunderestimatewhatamanwilldoforfivepercentbettersensation.MydaysarefilledwithunplannedpregnanciesandSTDs—fromhusbands.Menareshit.It’swhyIstaywithMarcus.He’stoobusytoscrewanyoneelse,letaloneme,”shemumbled
Iwrinkledmyforeheadatthetrail.“That’s…sad.”
“Thedevilyouknow,”shesaiddryly.“Oh,whichremindsme.You’renotgoingtolikethis.”
Iglancedoverather.“What?”
“Marcus’sbirthdaynextweekend?”
“Yeah?”
“HeinvitedNeil.”
Istoppedwalking.“Why?”
“Hesaidit’shisbirthdayandNeilishisfriend,andhewantshimthere.Believeme,Itriedtotalkhimoutofit.”
Iscoffed.“Well,guessI’mnotgoing.”
“No,youshouldn’t.Idon’twannagoeither.Screw’em,theycanmakeitaboys’trip.”
Ilookedathergratefully.
“Weshouldjustfindadayspaorsomethingandgodothat.Abed-and-breakfast.Gabbywillgowherewedo.Shealwaysdoes.”
Ismiled.“Thankyou,”Iwhispered.
“Don’tthankme.God,whatadick.”
Shesquintedatthehousesaheadofherandstoppedwalking.“Whyarethepoliceinyourdriveway?”
Ifroze.Wewereafewhousesdownfrommine.Shewasright,therewasacopcarinfrontofmygarage.
TheyweretherewithNeil
“What’sgoingon?”Jessicaaskedasweapproachedthetwomen.
Neilturnedandgavemethepracticedlookofcontritionhegavethefamiliesofhispatientswhentheydidn’tmakeitoutofhisoperatingroom.“Ali,let’sgohaveaprivateconversation.”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked,crossingmyarms.“Ifyouwantedyourstuff,youshouldhavejusttextedme.”
“I’mmovingbackin.”
Thewordshitmelikeafreighttrain.
“What?”
“Ihavealegalrighttobehere.I’monthedeed,andI’maresidentoftheproperty.”
“Youmovedout!”
“Wehadadisagreement,”hesaidtotheofficer,nottome.“Istayedwithmysonforafewweeks.Icontinuetogetmymailhere,andtheutilitiesareundermyname.Shedoesn’thavearestrainingorder.”Hewashandinghimdocuments.“Weco-owntheproperty.Ilivehere.”
Istaredslack-jawedbetweenthem.Theofficerthumbedthroughthepaperwork.Thenhelookedupatme.“Ifhe’salegalresidentoftheproperty,Ican’taskhimtoleave.”
“You’rekiddingme…”Ibreathed.
Jessicacrossedherarms.“Neil,youcan’tbeserious.”
“Jessica,thisismyhouse,andAlexisisthewomanIlove.I’mnotwalkingawayfromeitherofthem.”
“Don’tyoudarepretendthisisaboutme,”Ispat,feelingmyfacegrowhot.“You’renotlivinghere.”
Helookedbackattheofficer.“I’mgoinginsidenow.Isthereanythingelseyouneedfromme?”
Heshookhishead.“No.Haveagoodnight.”
Neilturnedandwalkedintothegarage.I’dchangedthelocks,butI’dleftthegaragecodethesamesohecouldgethisstuff.Ididn’tlocktheinsidedoor,sinceIwasjustonashortjog,soNeilwalkedrightintothelivingroom.
Jessicalookedatmeinshock.
“AskMarcusifthisislegal,”Isaid,myvoiceshaking.
IturnedandraninsideafterNeil.HewascarryingoneoftheclearplasticcontainersthatI’dpackedhisstuffin,headingdowntothebasementwherewehaveourbiggestguestroom.
“Neil!”
Heignoredme.
Amildwaveofhysteriabubbledinsideme.Thiswasn’thappening.
Ipacedinthelivingroom,franticallytextingthegroupthreadwithGabbyandJessica.Gabbyhadjustgothomeandsawthecopcarpullawayfromthehouse.ItoldherwhathappenedasNeilcamebackupforanothercontainer.
“Neil!Whyareyoudoingthis?”
Hisfacehaddroppedthefriendly,placatinglookhe’dreservedforhisaudienceoutside.“Thisismyhouse.Itoldyou,Iwantit.IhaveabetterchanceatgettingitifIresidehere.Ihaveeveryrighttodoso.Ifyoudon’tlikeit,move.”
Hegrabbedanotherbinandwentbackdown.
Iwatchedhimgoinshock.Mychinquivered,andIranupthestepstomybedroomandslammedthedoor.
Myphonewaspinginginquicksuccessioninourgroupchat.Gabby,Jessica,Gabby,Jessica.Andthenalmostcomically,rightinthemiddleofit,Danieltexted.
Daniel:IjustwantedtosaythatIreallyenjoyedseeingyouagain.
Jessicatexted.AccordingtoMarcusitwasalllegal.TherewasnothingIcoulddo.
Idroppedmyphoneonthebedandputmyfaceintoapillowandscreamed.Chapter13
Daniel
Shenevertextedmeback.
IthadbeeneightdayssincethelasttimeIsawher,thatmorningofPopeye’sfall.I’dsentheranothertexttwodaysago.Shedidn’treplytothateither.IfiguredtwounansweredmessageswasthemaxbeforeIstartedtolookdesperate,soIleftitatthat.
I’dtakenPopeyetoRochestertoseehisdoctorafterhisaccident.Hewasfine.I’dgonedowntothehardwarestorewhileIwasthereandboughthimtherailingandtreadforhistub.Installedthatyesterday.HelpedDougdigatrench.Madeacoffeetable.
IwouldhaveratherseenAlexis.
Tosaythiswasadisappointmentwasanunderstatement.Ithoughtthingsbetweenushadgonewell.
Iguesstheyhadn’t.
Itwassevena.m.andgloomyoutside.Iwassittinginthefour-seasonporchofthehousehavingacoffeewhenAmber—Mom—called.
Momwasn’treallymymom.Notforanypracticalpurposes.She’dhadmewhenshewasfifteen.Mydadhadbeenasixteen-year-oldtouristwhosefamilyhadnointerestinme.GrandmaandGrandparaisedme.
IhadonlyfleetingmemoriesofeverseeingAmberasakid.Shetookoffassoonasshecoulddrive.Wedidn’treallyhavearelationshipuntilaftermygrandparentsdied.
They’dleftthehousetoher
MyauntAndrea,Liz’smom,andAuntJustine,mycousinJosh’smom,didn’twantit.TheybothlivedinSouthDakotaandhadnointentionofcomingbacktoWakan.SomygrandparentshadleftthehousetoAmber,probablythinkingthey’dchangetheirwilltomewhenIwasoldenough,butthey’dnevergottenaroundtoit.SoAmbertookall.
Ibeggedhernottosellit.Attwenty-three,Ihadn’thadthemeanstobuyit.Iconvincedhertoletmerunitasarental,thatshe’dgetadepositeveryweek,andshecouldalwayssellitifitdidn’tworkout.She’dagreed,andwe’denteredintothearrangementthatI’dbeenlivingunderforthelastfiveyears.
Whenshecalled,shecalledaboutmoney
“Amber,”Isaid,answeringonthethirdring,tryingnottosoundasmoodyasIfelt.
“Hi,Daniel,it’sAmber.”
Irubbedmyforeheadtiredly.SometimesIthoughtshewasn’tallthere.
“What’sup?”Iasked.
“So,areyougardeningrightnow?”
“What?”
“Whatareyoudoing?”
Shewasmakingsmalltalk.Thatwasweird.“I’mjustsittinghere,inthefour-seasonporch.Why?”
Shepaused.
“So,Idon’tknowhowtosaythiswithoutjustcomingrightoutandsayingit?I’msellingthehouse.”
Ifroze.“What?Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“I’mlistingit.Like,today.”
Istood.“Wha—why?”
Shewasmakingshufflingnoises.Sheseemeddistracted.
“Amber,youcan’t.”
“Ialreadyhaveanagent.ThatBarbaralady?TheonefromRootRiverRealEstateorwhatever?Shesaysit’sworthfivehundredthousanddollars!”
Ishookmyhead.“But…it’sgoingwellasarental,it’smakingmoney.”
“I’mtiredofowningit.It’stoostressful.Ihavetodealwiththetaxes—”
“I’lldoit.Letmedothetaxes—”
“Nah.It’sjusttoomuchwork.Idon’thavetime.”
Bullshit.Shedidn’tliftafinger,Idideverything.Shewantedthemoney.
Iwentoutsideandstartedtopace.
“Whydon’tyoujustbuyit?”sheasked.
“Amber,Idon’thavethemoneyforadownpaymentonahouselikethis.It’sgoingtobetensofthousandsofdollars.”Mymindwasracing.“Thehousehasbeeninthisfamilyahundredandtwenty-fiveyears,”Isaid.“Youcan’tdothis.Grandpawould—”
“Grandpawouldwhat,Daniel?Rolloverinhisgrave?”Icouldtellshewasrollinghereyes.“It’sbeingusedbystrangers.Don’tbesodramatic.It’snotlikeyoulivethereorsomething.”
“Idolivethere!”
“Youliveinthegarage.Whydon’tyouaskwhoeverbuysitifyoucanjuststaythere?Like,rentitorsomething.Andanyway,Barbarasaysit’llprobablyjustgetboughtbyaninvestmentcompanywhowantstokeepitasaB&B.Somaybethey’llkeepyou.Youcouldhavethesamejobandeverything.”
“Andiftheydon’t?Ifafamilybuysittolivein?You’dletthathappentothehouse?I’lllosemyjob,apartment,myworkshop—”
Istoppedatthesideofthehouseandpeeredupatit.Thetwistingvinesandoaktreesonthestained-glasswindowshoneemeraldunderthehand-wroughteavesthatmygreat-great-great-grandpacarvedwithhisbarehands.Mygreat-great-grandpahadbeenborninthebedroomwiththefour-posterbed.Mygrandpaproposedtomygrandmainthelivingroominfrontofthefireplacewiththegreentilemosaic.
Ikneweverynookandcrannyofthishouse.Shecouldn’tsellit.Icouldn’tlether.Thiswasmyhome.Myentirechildhood.GenerationsofGrantshadbeenbornhere,raisedhere,diedhere.
“Look,”Isaid.“Givemeafewmonthstogetadownpaymenttogether.Please.SoIhaveafightingchanceataloan.”
IhadnoideawhereI’dgetthemoney.Igotapercentageofeveryrentalinexchangeformanagingtheproperty,andIsoldmyfurniturewhenIcompletedapiece.Butitwasahobby,notastablesourceofincome,andthehousewouldn’trentagainuntilatleastMay.Ilivedmodestly.Ihadacouplethousandsavedup,butnotnearlyenoughtoputdownwhatIwassurethebankwouldaskfor.
Shesighed.“Idon’tknow—”
“I’llopenitupfortheoff-season,”Isaidbeforeeventhinkingaboutit.“You’llgetallthataddedincome.Plus,there’sworkitneeds,”Iaddedquickly.“There’swaterdamageintheJackandJillroom,theroofneedstobereplaced.Ifthatstuffdoesn’tgetrepaired,it’lljustlowerthevalue,andit’sgoingtotakemeafewmonthstofixanyway.”
Shewasquietforamoment.
“Amber.Ihaveneveraskedyouforanything.Please.Givemethis.”
Therewasalongpause.“Allright.Fine.Sixmonths.Butthat’sit.Ineedthecash.I’mopeningupabikeshopwithEnrique.”
Andthereitwas.
Isqueezedmyeyesshut.Ihadnoideawhothatwas.Probablysomeguyshejuststartedhookingupwithwhowasgoingtotakehermoneyandrun.Icouldn’tevencareatthispoint.NothingIcoulddoaboutiteitherway.Shealwaysdidwhatshewanted,andthiswouldbenodifferent.
Inodded,eventhoughshecouldn’tseeme.“Okay.Thankyou.”
Ihungupwithher,onlyhalfbelievingshe’devenkeepthepromise.
Sixmonths.Ihadsixmonthstoraisefiftythousanddollars.
AfterthephonecallwithAmberthismorning,I’dbeentothebank.ThegoodnewswastheB&BhadfiveyearsofstableearningsthatwouldmorethancovertheamountofthemortgageifIweretotakeiton,andmyfiveyearsasapropertymanagerandmygoodcreditcoulddefinitelysecuremealoan.ThebadnewswasIhadtohavefiftythousanddollarsasadownpayment.
Itmightaswellhavebeenamillion.Itdidn’tseempossible.
Istoodinmyworkshop,inventorying.Projectswerestackedupfloor-to-ceilingalongthewalls.Grandpa’sworkfrombeforehedied.Hewasnotoriousforstartingsomethingandlosinginterest.Sandedrockingchairsthatneededtobestained,diningroomtableswithmissinglegs,dresserswithoutknobs,bedframesthatjustneededtobeassembled.
IfIcouldpowerthroughthebacklog,finishwhatwasalreadystarted,maybeaddafewofmyownartistictouchestothepiecestoraisevalue,IcouldtakeitalldowntotheindoorswapmeetinRochesterandsellit.Theremightbeenoughheretoraisethemoney.
Maybe
This,coupledwiththeseventhousandIalreadyhadsetaside,mightdoit.Itwouldbeanexhaustiveamountofwork.I’dstillneedtorunthedamnB&Bontopofit.ButIcoulddoit.Icoulddoallofit.
Ihadto.
I’dneverhatedsomeoneinmyentirelife,butrightnowIhatedAmber.Itwashardtobelievewe’dbeenraisedbythesamepeople,giventhesamevalues,andgrownupinthesameplace.Howcouldshenotlovethathouse?Feelprotectiveoverit?Ithadasoul,itbreathed.Itwasourresponsibility.
IguessIcouldn’treallybesurprised.I’dknownAmberandIweregoingtoenduphereeventually.
Amberneedingmoneywasthehallmarkofmychildhood.AmbercallingGrandmaandGrandpaandthembailingherout,nomatterwhatshedid.Irememberthecallseverycoupleofmonths,beggingforwiretransfers.Grandmasittinginthepantryonthephonewithherdaughter,thecurlyphonecordpulledtautandshutintothedoor,theconversationmuffledandwhispered.Grandpawasmoretoughlovewithher,butshecouldalwaysgetGrandmatofold.
Iusedtowonderexactlywhatmymotherwouldhavetodotofallfrommygrandmother’sgoodgraces.Itwaslikethestandardwassofuckinglow,eventhemostheinousofhercrimeswerejustfollowedbyasighandaheadshake.
Whenshevisited,shestolethings.She’dgodowntotheVFWandgetshit-facedandendupinabarfightwithsomeone,andGrandpawouldhavetogogetheroutofthedrunktankatthepostoffice.Whenshewasn’tinWakan,shejumpedfromonedeadbeatguytothenext.Shealmostneverhadanaddress.
Ithinktheonlyreasonthisarrangementlastedaslongasithadwasbecauseareliablesourceofincomegotdepositeddirectlyintoheraccountduringthebusyseason.Sheneverhadasteadyjob.Shewaitressedandwasaflightattendantonce,butshecouldneverholddownapositionformorethanafewmonths.ThenI’dgetaphonecallaskingmetoadvancehermoney.
Sometimesshe’dclaimshehadsomehealthissuethatsheneededcashfor.Athousanddollarsforarootcanal,ormoneyforadownpaymentonanewcarbecauseshe’dcrashedthelastonewithoutinsurance.Itwasalwayssomething.Onlynowthesomethingwassobig,shehadtosellthehousetocoverit.
IupdatedthewebsitetoshowtheB&BhadavailabilitystartingonFridayandgrittedmyteethasIhitEnter.
Beingopenintheoff-seasonwasalmostpointless.Atbest,we’dbeathalfcapacity,andtheamountofworkthismeantformewithonlyhalfthepayoutwasn’tworthit.IwastiedtothepropertywhenIhadguests.Icouldn’tevenmakeatriptothehardwarestoreinRochesterwhenIhadpeopleinthehouseunlessIwasabletogetLizorDougtofillinforme.Ihadtohavecoffeeoutbysixa.m.fortheearlyrisersandagourmetbreakfastreadybynineo’clock.Checkoutateleven,thencleaningtherooms,strippingbeds,checkingthenextguestsinatthreeo’clock.Itwasanever-endinghamsterwheel.AndIhadtodoallthosethingswhetherIhadoneroombookedorallfour.ButIhadtomakeitwork.BecauseifAmberdidn’tseethemoney,she’dprobablylistthehousenowinsteadofinOctober
Isentoutanemailblasttoourguestlist.ImentionedsomefunnewspringbreakfastsI’dmake,theleavesbudding,acomplimentarywine-and-cheesehourinthefoyerthatI’dbeaddingtothestay.ThenIstartedinonthepiecesinthegarage.Iwasaboutanhourintoitwhenmycellphonepinged.Iwasinashitmood,butthesecondIsawwhoitwas,thatchanged.
Alexis:Sorry,justrealizedIneverreplied.
Igrinned.ThenIcalledher.
Sheansweredonthesecondring.“Uh,hello?”
“Hi.”
“Didyoujustcallme?Onpurpose?Withouttextingtotellmefirstlikeanormalperson?”
“Yeeessss.”Ismiled.“Isn’tthatwhatyoudowithphones?”
“That’snotwhatIdowithmine.”
“YoumakeitsoundlikeIsentyouanunsoliciteddickpic.”
“Thedickpicwouldhavebeenlessshocking.”
Ilaughed.
“WhatifI’dbeeninthemiddleofsomething?”sheasked.
“Thenyouwouldn’thaveanswered.Wild,Iknow.”
Icouldtellshewassmiling.
“I’mworkingonsomething,”Isaid.“Ican’ttextrightnow.”
“Oh,yeah?Whatareyouworkingon?”
“Achair.”
“You’refixingit?”
“I’mmakingit.”
“Wooow,”shesaid.“Youknowhowtodothat?”
“I’macarpenter,”Isaid.“Thewholefamilyis.Allmycousins.Liztoo.Mygrandpataughtus.”
“Cool.DoyouhaveanInstagramforyourwoodworking?I’dlovetofollowit.”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Idon’tdosocialmedia.”
Shepaused.“Like,atall?Ever?”
“Nope.It’sawasteoftime.IspendtwohoursonTikTok,andIlosetwohours.Ispendtwohoursinmyworkshop,andIhaveachair.Ipreferthechair.”
“But…howdoyoukeepupwithpeopleifyoudon’tdosocialmedia?”
“Icallthem.”
Shelaughed.
Thatchemistry…itwaslikethesecondwereconnected,therewewere.
Iheardthesoundofadooropeningandclosing.
“Whereareyou?”Iasked,grabbingmymeasuringtapeandgettingbacktomyproject.
“I’msittingbythepoolonarecliner.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“Youhaveapool?”Theonlypoolwehadaroundherewastheriver.
“Yup.Ijustcamehomefromafriend’shouse.”
Ilikedthis.Ifshewasatafriend’shouseandsherememberedsheneverrepliedtomytext,itwasprobablybecausetheyweretalkingaboutme.
“Whichfriend?”Iasked.
“Eh,justonefromacrossthestreet.”
Shealwaysansweredmyquestionslikethis,Irealized.ShegavemethesamevagueresponsewheneverIaskedheranything.Ididn’tknowherlastname,whathospitalsheworkedin.Hell,Ihadn’tevenknownshewasadoctoruntilthePopeyething.ButIfiguredshe’dopenuptomewhenshewasready,soIdidn’tpushit.
“So,”Isaid,“whathaveyoubeenupto?”
“Notmuch.Workingmostly.”Iheardthepithofacanopening.
IputinmyearbudssoIcouldhavebothmyhands.“Sowhatkindofdoctorareyou?”Iasked.Ihadn’thadachancetoaskherbeforeshetookoffonmetheotherday.
“I’manERphysician.”
“Ah,”Isaid,measuringthechairlegandmarkingitwithapencil.“Why’dyoupickthat?”
Shesoundedlikeshewasstretching.“Ididn’tplanonit.Iwasgoingtogointoneurosurgery,butImetmybestfriendandshewaspursuingemergencymedicineandshegotmeintoit.It’sfun.AndIlikebeingthereonsomeone’sworstday.Ilikesavingpeople.”
Ismiled.“Anyinterestingcases?”
“Oh,lots.”
“Likewhat?”
Shemadeahummingnoise.“IpulledaBarbieshoeoutofakid’snoseyesterday.Andsomeguyusedanailguntoshootathree-inchnailintohisfootthismorning.Hewasstucktothefloor.Theparamedicshadtouseahammertopryhimoff.”
Isuckedairthroughmyteeth.“Ouch.”
“OncethisguyswallowedaFitbit.Hewascheatingandhegotatextfromanotherwomanonit.Hisgirlfrienddemandedheshowittoher,soheateit.Itwasstilltrackinghisstepsfromhisstomach.WehaveNunchuckGuy.Hecomesinonceamonthwithaconcussion.Therewastheguywithaflashlightstuckinhisrectum—”
“Whyisitalwaysguys?”
“Idon’tknow,Daniel.Whyisitalwaysguys?”Ipicturedhergrin.
“Hey,IhaveneverbeentotheER.Dougdoesmystitches.”
“Dougdoesyourstitches?”
Inodded.“Yup.Hewasamedicinthearmy.Savesmeatwo-hourround-triptoRochestereverytime.Usesabarblessfishhookandaten-poundtestline.”
“Pleasetellmeyou’rekidding…”
“Nope.Hedoesagoodjobtoo.Straight.”
“Oh,myGod,”shebreathed.“Whatdoyouuseforthepain?”
“Gin?”
Shelaughed.
Ineededtousethesaw,butIcouldn’tdoitwithheronthephone,soIdecidedtostainsomeheadboardsinstead.Igotupandgrabbedsomebrushes.“So,backtotheflashlightthing.Doesthishappenoften?”
“Youhavenoidea.Peopleloveputtingstuffuptheirbutts.Andtheyalwayswantyoutothinktheyfellonitintheshower.Aboutfiftypercentofmyjobiskeepingastraightface.”
Ichuckled.“Same.Someonespray-painteddicksonthebiketrailyesterday.Mrs.Jensoncametotellme,andshekeptmouthingtheword‘penis’becauseshecouldn’tbringherselftoactuallysayitoutloudandIhadtolookveryconcernedandnodalot.”
“Anyleadsonwhodidit?”sheasked,asmileinhervoice.
“Eh,it’steenagers.It’salwaysteenagers.Firecrackersinmailboxes,stealingwinecoolersfromthegrocerystore,naturepeeing—”
“Naturepeeing…”shedeadpanned.
“Yup.”Ipriedopenapaintcan.“Itisexactlywhatitsoundslike.Thebusinessesareeitherclosedfortheseasonortheydon’twantkidsintheirstoresusingtheirbathrooms,sotheyjustgowheretheycan.Thealleyoutsideofthepharmacywasstartingtosmelllikeaurinal.”
“Andyouhavetodealwiththis?Thisisn’tapoliceissue?”
“IsupposeitisifJakecancatchthem,”Isaid.“Whichhecan’t.Evadingthepoliceisatime-honoredWakantradition,”Isaid,stirringthestain.“That’shalfthefun.”
“Ah.Sowhatareyougoingtodoaboutthiscrimespree,Mayor?”
“I’mworkingonavolunteerprogramfortheoff-season,actually.Stufftokeepthembusy.Doug’sgoingtoteachthembeekeeping,I’lldoawoodworkingworkshop.Iftheydocommunityservice,theygetcreditstouseattherentalplaceforbikesorkayaks.We’rehavingafund-raiserforitinafewweeks.”
“Nice.Ithoughtyousaidthemayorthingwashonorary.”
Ishrugged.“Itis.Imean,Iwaselected.Butthetown’stoosmallforittobeapayinggig,soIalwaysfeellikeitdoesn’treallycount.It’sjustsortofsomethingtheGrantshavealwaysdone.”
“Well,yousoundlikeaverygoodmayor,”shesaid.“Evenifyoudon’tfeellikeit’sarealthing—whichitsoundslikeitis.Youcouldhavepunishedthekidsinstead.”
Ishookmyhead.“Nah.Gracecostsyounothing,”Isaid,brushingstainonaheadboard.
“Huh?”
“Gracecostsyounothing.Mygrandmausedtosayit.SheespeciallylikedtosayittoherselfwhenIwasbeingalittleshit.”
“Isomehowdoubtyouwereeveralittleshit.”
“It’shardbeingateenagerhere,”Isaid.“Itcanbeveryboring.Actually,it’shardbeinganadultheretoo.Youknow,ifthepopulationislessthanathousand,itisn’tevenatown.It’savillage.”
“Soyou’reavillager,”shesaid,soundingamused.
“Yup.AnychanceIcangetyoutoraidmyvillagetonight?BecauseI’dliketoseeyou.”
“Ican’t.”Ipicturedherputtingoutabottomlip.“Ihaveagirls’weekendthing.I’mleavingtomorrowmorning.”
Mysmilefellafractionofaninch.Ithadalreadybeenoveraweek.Iwantedtoseeher.
“You’lljusthavetosettlefortalkingtomeinstead,”shesaid,asmileinhervoice.
Igrinned“Okay.Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout?”
“Idon’tknow.”
“Howaboutweplayagame?”Iasked.
“Agame?Whatkindofgame?”
“Aget-to-know-yougame.”
Ipicturedashrug.“Okay.Sure.”
Ifhistorywasanyindication,she’ddeflectthequestionsIreallywantedtoknowtheanswersto.SoIdecidedtokeepitlight.
“Ifyoucouldgobackintime,whenwouldyouvisit?”
“Hmmmmm,”shesaid.“That’sagoodquestion.AmIaghost?OrdoIactuallyhavetolivebackthen?”
Ishookmyhead.“Whywouldyouwanttobeaghost?”
“Toomanydiseases.Diphtheria,smallpox,bubonicplague.Peoplebackthenlivedtotheripeoldageofchildbirth.”
“Youcouldbeanyone,”Isaid.“Anygender.Youcouldbeaking.”
“Youthinkkingshaditanybetter?WhataboutCharlesIIofSpain?Hewassoinbredhecouldbarelyeat.Hisjawwashorriblydisfigured,hehadrickets,hallucinations,anoversizedhead,hewasimpotentandinfertile.HenryVIIIhadanulceratedlegfromajoustingmatchthatwassoputridyoucouldsmellhimcomingfromthreeroomsover.Andsomethinkhewentmadfromsyphilis.”
Ismiled.“Soalittlesyphandyou’reout,huh?”
“Arewestilltalkingaboutthekingthing,oristhisadatingquestion?Syphilisishighlytreatableandnothingtobeashamedof.Asingleintramuscularinjectionoflong-actingbenzathinepenicillinwilltakecareofit.”
“Okay,wegetit,youknowhowtocuresyphilis.”
Shelaughedagain.
“Yeah,you’reright,”Isaid,dippingmybrushinthecanandtappingit.“Ireadalotofhistoricnonfiction.Iguessitwasprettybrutalbackthen.”
“Historicnonfiction?”shesaid,soundingalittlesurprised.
“Myfavoritekindofread.”
“Metoo.Ilikethemedicalaspects.IalwaysthinkabouthowI’ddoitdifferentlyifIlivedbackthen,knowingwhatIknow.”
“Ilikeitbecauseithappened,”Isaid.“Can’tgetfrustratedwiththeplotifit’satruestory.Andyoulearnsomething.”
“Yeah.Youknow,readingmakesyourpenislookbigger—don’tquotemeonit,thescienceisreallynew.”
“Isthatwhat’sgoingondownthere?Iwaswondering.JustfinishedWarandPeace,bytheway.”
ShelaughedsohardIthinkshespitoutherdrink.
“Iliketoread,”Isaid,grinning.“It’stheonlywayIgettolivesomewherethatisn’tWakan.Ireadthree,fourbooksaweek.Alotofaudiobooks.ThatwayIcanworkandreadatthesametime.”
“I’veneverdoneanaudiobook,”sheadmitted.
“Oh,youshould.It’slikeamovieforyourears.Youcouldlistenonyourdrivedowntoseeme.Whichiswhenagain?”
“Daniel,youknowhowmuchIlovewatchingyouwork.ButI’vegotmycountry’sfivehundredthanniversarytoplan,myweddingtoarrange,mywifetomurder,andGuildertoframeforit.I’mswamped.”
AlinestraightoutofThePrincessBride.Iwascrackingup.
God,Ilikedtalkingtoher.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeI’dlikedtalkingtosomeonethismuch.Ilikedseeinghermore,butthiswasaclosesecondforsure.
Icheckedmywatch.“IgottafeedChloe.”
“Oh,”shesaid,soundingalittledisappointed.“IguessIshouldhangupwithyouthen.”
Isetmybrushonthelidofthecan.“Nope,I’mtakingyouwithme.Tookmeaweektogetyouonthephone,I’mnothangingupwithyounow.”
Ididn’thangupwithherlatereither
Wetalkedforfivehoursstraight.Chapter14
Alexis
Wewereonourwaytoourgirls’weekend.
ThemenhadgonenorthtoGrandMarais,sowewentsouth.Somebed-and-breakfastGabbyhadbooked.
Gabbywasdriving,andJessicawasinthepassengerseat.IwassittinginthebackoftheblackEscaladelikethekid.JessicawasthegrumpydadandGabbywastheperkymom.
Gabbyhadacheerleaderthingabouther.Shewasthirty-four,blond,andstoodonlyfivefeettall.Shewasapediatrician.Ofthethreeofusshewastheonlyonewhowasinahappyrelationship.Philipwastotallydevotedtoher.
GabbyturnedtoJessicafrombehindthewheel.“You’resureMarcusdidn’tcarethatyoudidn’tgo?It’shisbirthday.”
“Themanhasn’ttouchedmeinsixyears,”Jessicasaid,hertonebored.“HebarelyremembersIexist.Idon’tthinkhecareswhereIdoit.”
Gabbylookedintherearviewmirroratme.“SoJessicatoldmewhathappened.Neilissuchajerk.Ihadnoidea.Seriously,whydidn’tyoutellussooner?”
Iblewabreaththroughmynose.
Theseweremyfriends.IspentmoretimewiththemthanIspentwithBri,mostlybecauseofthecouplesthing.Wevacationedtogetherandworkedtogetherandlivedonthesamestreet.ButIcouldn’ttalktothemabouteverything,likeIdidwithBri.
Gabbywasalittlegossipyandcouldbeatinybitshallow.Jessicawasmoodyandtendedtobenegative.
Ilovedthem,butIsawthemforwhattheywere.
“Itwashardtoexplain,”Isaid,shuttingdownthediscussion.GabbyalreadykneweverythingI’dtoldJessica.
Gabbygavemeamischievoussmile.“Sothisguyyou’reseeing…”
ThiswasanotherthingIcouldn’tdiscusswiththem.
I’dkeptmyrelationshipwithDanielasclosetomychestashumanlypossible.Igavethemnodetailsotherthanhelivedfaraway.ButIknewtheirinterrogationwascoming.Wehadawholeweekend.
“I’veonlyseenhimtwice,”Isaiddismissively.
“Yeah,butwhat’shelike?”
Ishrugged,lookingoutthewindow.“Idon’tknow.He’snice.”
“Whatdoeshedo?”
“Uh,he’sinpropertymanagement,”Isaidvaguely.
“Isthesexgood?”Sheglancedatmeintherearview,andhereyessparkled.
Gooddidn’tbrushthesurfaceofhowamazingthesexwas.ButifItoldherthetruth,she’dwantmoredetails.
Ishruggedagain.“It’sokay,Iguess.”
“There’sanantibiotic-resistantstrainofchlamydiagoingaround,”Jessicasaidflatly.
Gabbymadeanewwwwwnoise.
“I’musingprotection,”Isaid.
“Whendowegettomeethim?”Gabbyasked.
“It’sseriouslyjustahookupthing.”
Itwasn’t.
Well,notentirely.Iguesstechnicallyifitwasjustahookupthing,wewouldn’ttalklikewehadlastnight.Thetimehadgonebysofast,Ididn’tevennoticehowlateithadgotten,andI’donlyhungupwithhimbecauseNeilcamehome,andIsawthelightflickonintheoffice.
IreallylikedtalkingtoDaniel.Itwaseasy,andhemademelaugh.Surprisinglyenough,wehadmoreincommonthanIthought
Gabbymadealeftintoagasstation.“Ineedtousetherestroom.Anyonewantcoffee?”
Jessicagotunbuckled.“I’llgo.”
Myphonestartedtovibrate.Briwascalling.
“I’llwaitinthecar,”Isaid,answeringit.“Hey.”
“Ijustgotstoodup.Again,”shesaid.“Doyouthinkthey’reshowingup,seeingme,andthenbailing?Oraretheynotcomingatall?Ican’tdecideifI’dratherbesohideousI’mcausingthemtoflee,orsoboringtheyliterallyforgotwehadadate.”
“You’renotboringorhideous,”Isaid,watchingGabbyandJessicagointothegasstation.“It’stheirloss.”
“Isit?BecauseIfeellikecontouringmycheekbonesonmydayoffissortofmyloss.Doyouwanttomeetfordinner?Somyoutfitisn’tatotalwaste?”
“Ican’t,”Isaid.“I’mdoingthatweekendthingwithGabbyandJessica.”
Shegroaned.“Crap.Iforgotaboutthat.”
“Whydon’tyoucomedown?Iftheplaceisbooked,wecansharemybed.”
Shescoffed.“Uh,pass.There’sonlysomuchofGabby’scomplainingandJessica’seyerollingIcantake.It’sfine.I’lljustgoseeBennyorsomething.”
“Howishe?”Iasked.Herlittlebrotherwashavingsomeprettyserioushealthissues.
“It’sstartingtoaffecthiskidneyfunction.”
Mylipscurveddown.Bennywasonlytwenty-six—youngerthanDaniel,andDanielwasababy.Tooyoungtobethissick
Benny’sdeterioratinghealthwashittingBriprettyhard.Itwaslikeshefeltsheneededtofixitbecauseshewasthedoctorinthefamily,whichwastotallyunfair.
“Thisisn’tyourfault,Bri.”
Bennyhadexcellentcare,andhisconditionwasprogressinganyway.Sometimesmedicinewaslikethat.Therewasonlysomuchyoucoulddo.
“Sowhat’supwiththeguy?”sheasked,changingthesubject.
Ishrugged.“Notmuch.Italkedtohimlastnight.”
“Ohyeah?Phonesexstuff?”
“No.Justtalked.Nothingserious.Ilefthimonreadforlikeaweek.IwassooverwhelmedwiththewholeNeilsquattinginmybasementthingIkeptforgettingtocallhimback.”
“Areyougoingdownthereagain?”
“Eventually.Maybenextweekend?”
“Okay.Well,justremembernottonamehispenis.Onceyounameit,yougetattached.”
Ilaughed.GabbyandJessicawerecomingoutofthegasstation.“Igottago,”Isaid,stillcrackingup.
“Allright,callmelater.”
ThegirlsgotintheSUV,andGabbyturnedbackontotheroad.Wedroveforthirtyminutes,GabbyandJessicatalkingaboutthenewhotpoolguyeveryonewashiringandsomeButterBraidfund-raiserGabby’skidswerein.Iwasn’treallypayingattention.IhadoneearphoneinlisteningtoaudiobooksamplesDanielhadrecommended.
“Ugh,gasstationcoffeeissogross,”Gabbysaid,droppinghercupintothedrinkholder.“Idon’tevenknowwhyIbother.”
Jessicasighedloudly.“Maybeyoucangetsomethingbetterwhenwegetthere.Sowhereexactlyarewegoingagain?”
“Oh,myGod,youguysaregonnalovethisplaceIfound,”Gabbysaid,makingarightnearacornfield.“It’sontheRootRiver.Theyhavethisepicbiketrail.Itusedtobearailroadtrackandtheypavedit.Wecanrentbikesintown.Kayakstoo.”
Ipulledoutmyearbudandleanedovertolookoutthewindshield.“TheRootRiver?IthoughtweweregoingtoRedWing.”
“Wewere.I’dalreadybookedadifferentplace,butIcanceleditforthisonewhenitpoppedup.It’sthissmalltown,it’ssupercute.GrantCounty.It’sthisbed-and-breakfastI’vehadmyeyeon.Igotanemailsayingitwasopeningforthespring.”
“Whattown?”Jessicaasked.
“Wakan.”
Wait.WHAT?
Myheartstartedtopound.
“Wakan?”Iasked,tryingtokeepmyvoicesteady.“Areyousure?”
“Uh,yeah.”Gabbylaughed.
“NotWabasha?OrWinona?”
“IssomethingwrongwithWakan?”Jessicaasked,bored.
“No.Idon’tknow,neverbeenthere,”Isaid,myvoiceatouchtoohigh.
Daniel’sbed-and-breakfastwasn’topen.Hecloseditintheoff-season,soIdidn’thavetoworryaboutendingupthere.ButifIwasinWakan,chancesweregoodI’drunintoatleastonepersonwhorecognizedmefromthatfirstnight,andIwasn’treadytotellGabbyandJessicaaboutDaniel.Iwasn’treadyfortheseworldstocollide.Notyet.Maybenever.
IknewunequivocallythatifGabbyandJessicametDaniel,itwouldgetbacktoNeil.JessicacouldkeepitfromMarcus.Theydidn’ttalk.ButGabbywouldtellPhilip,andPhilipwouldabsolutelytellNeil—especiallyifthestorywasthedramaticoneIwassureGabbywouldgivehimaboutmy“boyfriend”beingatattooedtwenty-eight-year-oldwholivedaboveagarageinatownwithmorecornthanpeople.
Neilwouldmakeitajoke.Theyallwould.AndIdidn’twantDanieltobeajoke.Ididn’twantittobeanything.Ijustwantedtohavefunandenjoyhimandnotthinkaboutmyfriends’opinionsonitorhaveNeillaughandmakeitanexampleofhowfarI’dfallensincehim.Hecouldn’thavethis.Noneofthemcould.DanielwasmineandIwantedhimtostayonlymine,becausewhatwehadwasgoodanditwasmakingmehappyanditwouldn’tsurvivethescrutiny.
Andthatwasreallyit—itwouldn’tsurvivethescrutiny.
Itwouldn’tholdupundertheirinspection.Myfriendswouldn’tapprove.Andthishadn’treallymatteredtoomuchtome,sinceI’dneverimaginedthatthey’deverbeinapositionto.
WedrovedownawindingroadthatInowrecognizedasthefinallegintodowntown.“WhereinWakan?”Iasked,tryingtosoundcasual.
“It’scalledtheGrantHouse,”Gabbysaid.
Panicrippedthroughme.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtohyperventilate.No.Nononono.Thiscouldn’tbehappening.
IlookedatGabby’snavigation.Wewerelessthanthreeminutesaway.Istartedfranticallytextinghim.
Me:I’llbethereintwominutes.Pleaseactlikeyoudon’tknowme.I’msorry.
Whenthecarcruncheddownthegraveldrive,IstrainedmyneckpeeringoutthewindowtoseeifDanielwasoutside.Ididn’tseehim.MytextsaidDeliveredbutnotRead.
Mymouthwasdry.
“We’rehere!”Gabbysang,puttingthecarinpark.
Jessicalookedupatthehousethroughthewindshield.“Cute.”
“Right?”Gabbyturnedofftheengineandgotout.
Theywentaroundtothetrunktogettheirbags,butIdidn’tgetout.Iwaspretendingtolookforsomethinginmypurse,stallingforaslongaspossible,prayingforatextfromDaniellettingmeknowhe’dgottenmymessage.
“Umm…areyoucoming?”Gabbycalledamomentlater.Theywerebothstandingwiththeirluggageinfrontofthesteps.
Ipokedmyheadoutthewindow.“Idroppedmyearbud.Justgoahead.I’llbethereinasecond.”
Danielstillhadn’ttexted.Chapter15
Daniel
Iheardmyweekendguestspulluptothehouse.Itookmyspotinsidenexttothesmallcheck-incounterbythestairsandlookeddownatHunter.“Allright,listenup.I’mlettingyoumeetguestssoyoucangetpracticebeingagentleman.Butthere’srules.”Igavehimasternlook.“Youhavetosit.”Igavehimaraisedindexfingerforthesitcommand.
HesatandIsmiled.
“Goodboy.Nojumping.Andnosniffinganythingeither—youknowwhatI’mtalkingabout.Understand?”
Hegavemeoneofhisgoofylooks,histonguelolledout.
I’dleashedhimtothecheck-incounter,justincase,butwiththeexceptionofAlexis,hereallydidn’tjumponpeople.
Heneededthissocialization.WithmerunningtheB&Bfull-time,hewasgoingtoenduplockedinthegarageformostofthedayifhecouldn’tgethisacttogether.ThemoreinteractionIcouldgivehim,thebetter.
Thedoortothehouseopened,andIputonasmileasIcamearoundthecountertograbluggagehandles.Itwastwowomen.
“We’vegotonemoreoutside,”thebrunettesaid,hertonebored.“She’llbein,inaminute.”
Theyletinadragonflythatzippedaroundthefoyer.Hunterwatchedit,buthestayedput,andIgavehimanapprovingpatonthehead.
Ifiredupmylaptopandstartedtocheckthemin.I’dluckedout.I’dbookedthreeofthefourroomswiththisreservation—andthey’dbookedtheJackandJillroom,whichwasabonus.Thosetworoomshadanadjoiningbathroombetweenthem,soIcouldonlybookthemwiththesameparty.ThismeantIstillhadanextraopenroomthatcouldgetpickeduplastminute.Ineededit.IfIwasabletosendAmberfatcheckseveryweek,shemightactuallykeepherpromisenottolistthehouseuntilfall.Nottomention,I’dbeabletosavefasterforthedownpayment.
“Isthereagoodplacetohavedinner?”theblondeasked,textingintoherphone.
“There’sacomplimentarywineandappetizerhourstartingatfive,”Isaid.“Asfordining,Irecommend—”
Thedoortothehouseopenedwithaslowcreak,andthethirdwomancamein.Ilookeduptosmileather—anditwasAlexis
Iblinkedatherinsurprise,andshepressedaquickfingertoherlips.Shelookedalmostpanicked.Ididn’treallyhavetimetoprocessthis,becauseHuntersawherandlosthisever-lovingshit.Hedoveather.
Thecounterjerkedsidewayswiththesuddenyankofhisleash,andmylaptopfelltothefloorwithaclatter.Thenhedraggedthehundred-poundcounteracrossthewoodenfloorofthefoyerlikesomederangedsleddogandpummeledher
Hewasgoingsowildintheconfinedspace,theothertwowomenretreatedshriekingintothediningroomtoescape.
“Hi…dog,”Alexissaid,pettinghim,clearlytryingtoholdhimsothecheck-incountermassacreoftheparquetfloorwouldstop.
Hunterwascryinglikeapuppyatthesightofher.Thenheletoutalong,excitedROOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“Wow…thatdogreallylikesyou,”thebrunettesaidfromthediningroom.
Alexislaughednervously.“Yeah,Imusthaveoneofthosefaces.”
Whatthehell?Whatwasshedoinghere?Andwhywassheactinglikeshedidn’tknowus?
Red-faced,IgrabbedHunterbythecollar,unclippedhisleash,andputhimquicklyoutside.Heimmediatelycircledaroundtothewindownexttothedoorandjumpedup,whiningandcryingtobeletbackin.
IlookedatAlexis.ShewasdisheveledafterHunter’slovefest.Sheworeaspaghetti-strapyellowdressandsandals.Hercheekswerepinkandoneofherstrapshadfallendownherarm.Iregisteredeveninmyconfusionthatshelookedbeautiful.
Sheheldmyeyesforasplitsecond.Thensheglancedaway.
Iturnedbacktotheotherguests.“I’m,uh…sorryaboutthat.Hehasathingforredheads.”
Theothertwowomenlaughed,andAlexissmileduncomfortablyatthefloor.
Notknowingwhatelsetodoorwhatthehellwasgoingon,Ipickedupmylaptop.Thescreenwascracked.
Dammit,Hunter.
Ifeltlikethehousehadjustbeenhitbyameteor.Anunexpectedcycloneofchaos.
Thecounterwassittingsidewaysinthemiddleofthefoyer.Ithadgougedalargescratchintothewoodfloorsthatwouldneedtobesandedandrefinished.
HuntermadeapitifulrooooingnoisefromoutsidelikebeingbanishedwassomesortoftortureI’djustinflicteduponhimfornoreason.
Iclearedmythroat.“Uh,letmeshowyoutoyourrooms,”Isaid,givinguponcheckingthemin.Igrabbedthekeysfromthedrawerinthecounter,myfacehot.
Icarriedtheirluggageupthestairs,givingthemadisjointedversionofthetour.Mybrainwasmisfiring.Icouldn’tfocus.
AliMontgomery.
That’sthenametheblondehadmadethereservationunderforAlexis’sroom.
I’dtalkedtoherforfivehourslastnight.I’dbeenontwodateswithher.I’dhadmyhandsoneveryinchofherbody,andIdidn’tevenknowenoughabouthertocircumventthismessed-upsituationbyknowingherfullname
Theabsurdityofitbouncedaroundmybrainwitheverythingelsethatjusthappened.Shetrailedattheback,quiet,andIcouldfeelhertherelikeadropintheairpressure.Iwantedtopullherintoaclosetandaskherwhatthehellwasgoingon,whatwasshedoinghere?
Afterpointingouteachoftheirrooms,Ismiled,hopingIlookedcollected.“Mycellphonenumberisintheguestbookonyournightstandsifyouneedanything.”
Theothertwowomenwentintotheirrooms.Alexismadeeyecontactwithme,andthenclosedherdoor.Iblinkedatitforasecond.ThenIpulledoutmyphone.Ihadaseriesofrapid-firetextsfromher.
Thelastonesaid:I’msorry.Chapter16
Alexis
Theexplanationwastoomuchtotext.IjustapologizedandtoldhimI’dcometalktohimassoonasIcould.
Whatamess.Andtheironicthingwas,allIcouldthinkwhenIwalkedinwashowmuch,despitemypanic,IactuallylikedthesurpriseofbeinghereandhowcuteDaniellooked.GOD.
Thegirlswantedtorelaxintheirroomsuntiltheappetizerhour,soItooktheopportunitytosneakout.
WhenIletmyselfintothegarage,Danielwassittingathisworkbench.Heglancedupandthenwentbacktohisproject,jawtight.Imademywayovertohimandnudgedhisthighwithmyknee.“I’msorry.”
Helookedupatme.“Whatwasthat?”
“Ididn’tknowtheywerebringingmehere.It’sagirls’weekend,andtheybookedtheroom.Besides,Ithoughtthisplacewasn’topenintheoff-season.”
“Iopenedit,”hesaidshortly.
“Areyoumadatme?”
Hepeeredupatme.“ImagineifIshowedupwithmyfriendsatyourhospital.You’rethedoctortreatingthem.AndIactlikeIdon’tknowyou.Doesthatsoundokaytoyou?”
Iletoutabreath.“Daniel,I’mnotreadytotellpeopleaboutusyet.”
“I’mnotaskingyoutotellpeople.Buttopretendyoudon’tevenknowme?”
“Youdon’t…”Iblewoutabreath.“IfIsayIknowyou,they’llwanttoknowhowIknowyou,whereImetyouandwhen.Jessica,thebrown-hairedone?SheknowsI’vebeencomingtoseesomeonewholivessouth.They’relikegossipdetectives.They’llfigureitout.”
Hepressedhislipstogether,andIknewhewaswonderingwhyitmatterediftheydid.
Iknewhisfriends.Hewaswillingtotakemetobreakfastinfrontofeveryone.Hewasn’thidingme
I’dhurthisfeelings.
Ilickedmylips.“Daniel,Iknowwehaven’ttalkedaboutthisyet,butI’mcomingoutofareallybadbreakup.Really,reallybad.Theirhusbandsarehavingaboys’weekendwithmyex.Andwithoutgettingintodetails,myexisnotsomeoneIwantknowingaboutmyliferightnow.MybestfriendBriknowsallaboutyou.Butthesefriendsjust…can’t.”
Hestudiedmelikehewassearchingforthetruth.SoIgaveittohim.“IwassohappywhenIrealizedIwasgettingtoseeyoutoday.”
HisfacewentsoftforthefirsttimesinceI’dcomeintothegarage.
Helookedawayfromme,butheputthetipofhisfingertomybarekneelikeatinylittleolivebranch.
“Pleasedon’tbemadatme,”Iwhispered.
Hiseyescamebacktomine,andheblewoutalongbreath.Thenhepulledmeontohislap.Heputhisarmsaroundmeinahugthatwassosweet,itmademyheartskip.
Danielwasreallyaffectionate.Helikedtocuddle,likeabigteddybear.Ibethewasgoodwithchildren.Hewasdefinitelygoodwithbabygoats.
Inuzzledhisnosewithmine.“YoulookedreallyhandsomewhenIwalkedin,”Isaidquietly.
Thecornersofhislipsquirkedup.Hiseyeswereonmymouth.“Doyouhavemyhoodie?”heasked,hisvoicelow.
Inodded.
Hesmiled.“Youbroughtit,eventhoughyoudidn’tknowyouwerecomingtoseeme?”
“Youhavetowearastolenhoodie,”Isaid.
“Otherwiseit’sjustanothersenselesscrime?”
“Ilikethewayitsmells,”Iwhispered.
Hegrinnedandkissedme,andIwasimmediatelyforgiven.
God,Imissedhim.Irealizeditalmostretroactively,butIhad.
Itwasweirdtomisssomeoneyou’djustmet.ButIthinkitwasbecauseIhadn’tgottenenoughofhim,eithertimeIcame.Mymoodimproved,realizingthatIhadanentireweekendhere—becauseIneededit.
Thiswholeweekhadbeenhorrible.Ihadtogetalawyerandarealestateagent.IwasdodgingNeilinmyownfreakinghouse.ButI’dmissedDaniel.Beingonhislap,lettinghimholdme,smellinghiswarm,pineyscent—itwasafinallymoment.Likearrivingatafinishlineorlettinggoofabreathyou’vebeenholding—orcominghome.
It’sthereleasethathappenswhenyoudon’thavetothinkaboutanythingatall.
Thirtyminuteslater,Danielhadtogosetuptheappetizers.Isnuckbackintothehousethroughthefour-seasonporch.Hunterfollowedmeallthewaythroughtheyardpushinghisheadundermyhand,andwhenIletmyselfin,hetriedtocomeinafterme.Ihadtowrestlehimbackoutandclosethedoorinhisface.
Iwasstartingtodevelopatheoryaboutthisdog,butfurtherobservationwasneeded.
JessicaandGabbyweretheresittingonthewickerchairs.
“Oh,hey.Iwentforawalkaroundthehouse.Ididn’tknowyouguyswereout,”Isaid,sittingintheopenlounger,tryingtolookcasual,likeIhadn’tjustbeenmakingoutwithourhostinthegarage.
“Weknockedonyourdoor,butyoudidn’tanswer,”Gabbysaid.“Figuredyouweretakinganaporsomething.God,thatdogisobsessedwithyou.”
Ilookedandlaughed.Hunterhadhisnosepressedrightonthewindow,breathingheavily.Thereweretwofoggybreathtrailsunderhisnostrilsontheglassandhisearwasinsideout.Hehadadragonflyonhishead.
“Wastheguyoutthere?”Gabbypeeredaroundmetotheyard.“Choppingwoodor…?”
“Whatguy?”Iasked,playingdumb.
“Uh,thehotcheck-inguy?Withthetattoos?”
Ishrugged.“Didn’tseehim.”
Jessicaflippedthroughamagazine.“Maybeyoushouldgolook.Putanothertoyintotherotation.”
“Ibethe’soutdoorsy,”Gabbysaid.“Helooksoutdoorsy.Heprobablysmellslikecampfiresmoke.”
“Motoroil,”Jessicasaiddryly.“Hescreams‘Icanchangesparkplugs.’”
Gabbylaughed,andIpressedmylipsintoaline.
“MyboyfriendbeforePhilipwaslikethat,”Gabbysaid.“Hewasacontractor.Handy.Didallthewoodsystuff,hunting,fishing.Theybringticksintothebed.Actualwoodticks.It’slikelettingadirtydogsleepnexttoyou.”
Jessicachuckled.
“I’mserious,”Gabbysaid.“Andthey’realwaysbleeding.”Shemadeaface.
Igaveheralook.“Bleeding?”
“Yeah.Theyhavecutsontheirhandsandbugbites.Perpetually.Theyjustbleed,alloveryourthousand-thread-countEgyptiansheets.”Sheshivered.
Jessicatalkedtohermagazine.“Don’tdiscourageher.Thoseguysarefuntoplaywith.”
Gabbygaveaone-shouldershrug.“Yeah.They’reinshape,they’relowmaintenance.They’llchurnyoulikebutter.Justtakethemtoahotel,don’tbringthemhome.”
“Whythehellwouldshebringhimhome?”Jessicawinced.
“What’swrongwithbringinghimhome?”Iasked,lookingbackandforthbetweenthem.
TheybothstaredatmelikeI’djusttoldajoke.
“Yourdadwouldlovethat,”Jessicamumbled,goingbacktohermagazine.
Gabbyguffawed.“Canyouimagine?‘Dad,Iknowmylastboyfriendwaschiefofsurgery,buthere’sthisguywhocanbuildmeadeerstand.’”
Theybothlaughed.
“Hecouldbereallynice,”Isaid,alittletoodefensively.
JessicaloweredthecornerofherissueofVogue.“Youthinkyourdadcaresoneounceifhe’snice?”Shescoffed.“RememberthatlawyerIsetyouupwithatMarcus’sfirm?Adrian?RightbeforeNeil?Hewasnice.Yourdadactedlikeyoubroughtaregisteredsexoffendertobrunch.Hegaveyousomuchcrap,youneversawhimagain.AndAdrianwasalawyer,notaguywithaGED,tattoos,andwoodticks.”
Gabbylookedathernails.“Yourfamily’slikeroyalty.They’llonlymarryyouofftosomeonewhowillstrengthenamedicalalliance.”
Isnorted,eventhoughitwasn’tfunny
“Ihatetosayit,butyournextguyisgoingtohaveverybigshoestofill,”Jessicasaid,lookingbackatherpage.“Ifhedoesn’thavethewords‘worldrenowned’onhisrésumé,don’tbother.”
Gabbynoddedtothehouse.“Forgetyourparents.CouldyouimaginebringingaguylikethathometoPhilipandMarcus?”Shesuckedairthroughherteeth.“They’deathimalive.”
Jessicashookherheadatherarticle.“Philipwouldprobablytalktohimaboutstockportfoliosjusttobeadick.”
Gabbylaughed.“Marcusprobablywouldn’ttalktohimatall.”
Myfacefell,andIsatbackinmychairandtwistedmybraceletaroundmywrist.Ifeltlikesomeonehadpushedallthewindoutofme.
Theyweren’tsayinganythingIdidn’talreadyknow.Buttohearitinnouncertaintermswassobering.
“Heiscutethough,”Gabbysaid.“KindalookslikeScottEastwood.Ifhe’ssingle,youshouldplaywithhim.”Shebouncedhereyebrows.
Irubbedmyforehead.“Yeah,Idon’tknowifI’mgonnabeupforit.Actually,IthinkI’mgettingamigraine.”Atthispointittechnicallywasn’tevenalie.Thisdiscussionwasmakingmyheadhurt.“Imightletyouguysgotodinnerwithoutmetonight.”
Gabbyfrowned.“Seriously?”
“Yeah,I—”
Danielpokedhisheadintothepatio.“Sorrytointerrupt.Theappetizersareoutinthefoyer.”Hesmiledhandsomely,thendisappeared.
Jessicadroppedhermagazineonthecoffeetablewithaslap.“Good.Icoulduseaglassofwine.”Shegotup.
Ifollowedthem,feelingtiredinawaythatIhadn’tinaverylongtime.Chapter17
Daniel
Itwashardnottolookather.
Ididn’tlikefakingthis,pretendingIdidn’tknowher.Butmorethanthat,itwashardnottolookatherbecauseshewasbeautifulandIlikeddoingit
WhilethewomengotwineandplatesofthecapresebitesandgoatcheeseI’dputout,IhighlightedamapforthemforthewalktoJane’sfordinner.Icircledthebikerentalplacefortomorrow,sincetheysaidtheywantedtodothetrail.Notmuchelsewasopen.
IfAlexishadletusbeintroduced—thewayweshouldhavebeenintroduced—Iwouldhaveshownthemaroundtown,madesuretheyhadagoodtime.TakenthemwinetastingatDoug’sfarm,eventhoughhewasclosedfortheseason,maybegetBriantoopenthedrive-inagain.ButAlexisdidn’twantthat.SoIstayedquiet.
AfterIhandedoverthemap,Iretreatedtothekitchentogivethemsomeprivacy,butIcouldstillhearthemtalkinginthefoyer.
Itwasalittletooearlytojudge,butIwasn’tsureIlikedAlexis’sfriends.Theyoungerblondone,Gabby,seemedkindofshallow.I’dcomeintothediningroomtobringmorecrackers,andshewasbraggingaboutfiringanannyandhowthewomanhadcried.Sherolledhereyeswhenshesaidit.
Jessicalookedlikeshehatedevenbeinghere.Shekeptscowlingaroundthehouse.
Imean,IguessDougwouldn’treallypassthefirstblushtesteither.Youhadtogettoknowhimtolikehim,that’sfordamnsure.Butthesewomendidn’treallyfitwhatIknewofAlexis.Theydid,buttheydidn’t.Theylookedlikeher.Liketheycamefromthesameplace.Buttheydidn’tactlikeher.
IcamebackintothefoyerwhenIheardthemstarttalkingaboutwalkingintotownfordinner,justtogetonemoresecondwithAlexisbeforetheyleft.IpretendedlikeIneededtogetsomethingfrombehindthecheck-incounter.
Thetwofriendshadpursesundertheirarms,butAlexiswassittinginachairrubbinghertemple.
Jessicacheckedherphone.“Wantustobringyousomething?”sheaskedAlexis,hertonebored.
Ipokedmyheadoutfrombehindthecounter.
Alexisshookherhead.“No,I’mgood.I’mjustgoingtogotobedearly.”
Shewasstayingwithme.Ididmybesttohidemysmile.
“I’msorry,”Alexissaid.“Idon’tknowwhat’swrongwithme.”
Jessicapressedherlipsintoaline.“Probablyhormonal.Womenarethreetimesmorelikelytohaveheadachesthanmen.”Thensheturnedtome.“Mustbenicetobeaman.Ourreproductiveorgansarelikepainfulrustygearsthateventuallystopworking—iftheyevenworkatall.Enjoyyourpenis.”
ShewalkedoutwithGabbyrightbehindher.
Whenthedoorclickedclosed,Alexislookedatmeandshrugged.“She’sreallyfunatparties?”
Istartedtolaugh.ThenIgrabbedherwristandpulledheroutofthechairandintomychest.“Thequestionis,doyouenjoymypenis?”
Shebitherlip.“Oh,yes.”
Shesmiledandleanedtokissme,butIpulledmyfaceback.“Youdon’treallyhaveaheadache,doyou?Doyouneedsomething?”
Shelaughed.“No,ImadeitupsoIcouldstaywithyou.”
Mygrinwasenormous.“Howmuchtimedoyouthinkwehave?”
Shewrinkledhernose.“Anhour?”
Islidmyhandsdownherbackandcradledherass.“Well,we’dbettergetstarted…”Chapter18
Alexis
Wewereallovereachotherbeforeweevengotthedoorclosedtohisroom.
Thesecondhetouchedme,thechemistrybetweenusburstoutlikearipcordbeingpulled.Itwaszerototen,instantly.
Ilovedhisbody.Hiswide,muscularshoulders,hisdefinedstomach,thecurveofhiscollarbonewhenItuckedmynoseintohisneckwhilehewasontopofme.Hisscentwaslikeanaphrodisiac.
Ikickedoutofmysandalsashepeeledhisshirtoff.
Itwasincrediblehowhetransitionedfromthepoliteyoungmanofafewminutesagotothevirile,hungrymaleinfrontofmenow.
Thiswasnoboy.Thiswasaman.Andhewaspuresex,sixfeettallandanerectionpressingagainsthiszipper.Hiseyeshoodedandlookingatmelikehewantedtoeatme.Athicktrailofhairdescendingintohispants…
Ilovedthewayhishandsfeltonmyskin.Ididn’tcareiftheyhadcutsorbugbitesonthem,theymademefeelferal.Itwasthesamewayhemademefeeleverysingletimehegotmealone,likeIcouldn’tscalehimfastenough.
Iwonderedoffhandedlyifthisishowmostpeoplefeltduringsex.Thismustbethereasonwhyit’ssuchabigdeal.
Itwasn’tlikeIdidn’tenjoysex.Idid.Neilcouldgivemeanorgasmmostofthetime—I’dneverhadaproblemgettingthere.Butitwasn’tthisall-consuming,drivingneedthatitseemedtobeforeveryoneelse.
Icouldneverunderstandwhypeoplewouldfightaboutitorcheatlookingforitorendthingsbecausetherewasn’tenoughofit.Itwasalwaysdeadlastonmylistofimportantthingsinarelationship.
ButnowIgotit.
Ifthiswasthekindofsexeveryoneelsewashaving,itallmadesense,becausethis?Thiswasincredible.ItwaslikeDanielhadflippedsomebrokenswitchinsideme,andnowallthepartswererunningliketheyshouldandIhummedlikeawell-oiledmachine.
Iwasbecomingaddictedtohim.IwonderedhowmuchsexI’dneedtohavewithhimforhimtoactuallysatiatethisneedheseemedtobringoutofme.Ikindawantedtofigureitout.Seemedlikeafunexperiment…
Iwasslippinganarmoutofmyspaghettistrap,andhecameupbehindme.“Don’t,”hesaidinahuskyvoice.Hestartedkissingthesideofmyneck.Hisbeardandhistonguerakedacrossmybareskin.“Ilikeit.”
Ileanedbackintohim.“Youlikeit,huh?”Igroundintohim,andIfelthisbreathshudder.
Thenahandwaspushingmydressovermyhips,tuggingmyunderweardownmythighs.Theclinkofabeltbuckle,pantsdroppingtothefloor,andahoterectionpressingagainstmyass…
Needrippedthroughme.
Hewhirledmeontothebedandreachedintothenightstand.HetorethecornerofacondomwithhisteethandIwatchedhimrolliton.Thenhewasclimbingoverme.
Andthenhesloweddown…
Hehovered,handsoneithersideofme,nothingtouchingmebuthislips,hisbreathonmyskin.
“Yousmellsogood,”hewhisperedintomycollarbone.
Ihookedanelbowaroundhisnecktopullhimtowardme,butheheldhisbodyoffme,andlikehesawthecomplaintcominghecrushedhismouthtominetokeepmequiet.
Thekisswaseverything,anditwastorturebecauseIwantedmorethanthis.Iwantedhisweightontopofme.Hewasallovermeandallaroundme,butstilltoofaraway.Theheatfromhisbodypressedintomine,Icouldfeelitthroughmydress.
I’dneverinmylifewantedsomeonetoripmyclothesoffuntilthismoment.Iwantednothingbetweenus.Ihatedtheveryexistenceofthefabric,Iwantedtofeelhisskinonmyskin.Iwantedhissweatandthepoundingofhisheartandhisfastbreath.Itwassomesexualclaustrophobia.Iwasstartingtofeelfrantic.
Iranapalmdownhischestfollowingthetrailofhairundermyfingertipsandtookhimintomyhand,andhesuckedinabreathagainstmymouth.HesqueezedhiseyesshutandletoutashudderingnoiseasImovedbackandforth.Helosthisresolveandloweredhimselfontome.
Whenheeasedinsideofme,itwasfireworks.
Igaspedatthedeepnessofit,theinternalthump.Ifeltdesperateforit,likeIwantedtoclawathim,gethimcloser.
Herodemewithhisroughhandsonmythighs,histongueplunginginandoutofmymouth,mydressbunchedaroundmyhips.Islippedanarmoutofmydressstrapanduncoveredabreastanditmadehismotionsmorefrantic.
Iturnedhimon.Hewasravenousforme
EverytimeIwaswithhim,hebuiltmeup.HegavemebacksomethingthatNeilstole.
Irolledmyhipsjusttherightwayandthrewbackmyheadandinonefluidmovementhemadehisfinalthrustsbetweenmylegs.Icouldfeelhimpulsinginsideofme,andIwishedinmydeliriumthattherewasnocondom.
WithNeil,Ihatedthecleanup.ButwithDanielthethoughtofhimfillingmeup,himdrippingdownmythighs—Iwantedit.Icouldn’thaveit.I’dneverhaveunprotectedsexwithsomeonewhowasn’tmyboyfriend.ItwasamazingIwasevenhavingsexwithsomeonewhowasn’tmyboyfriendatall.But,God,thethoughtofitmademequiver.
IrealizedthatIwouldtrythingswithhimthatIhadn’ttriedwithanyone.Hemademefeeluninhibitedlikethat—andsafe.
Ithinkthesafethingwasthebiggestpartofit,actually.
Hehovered,stillinsideofme,catchinghisbreath.Hisheartwasthuddingagainstmybarebreastlikeajackhammer.
“Fuck…”hebreathed.“You’regonnagivemeaheartattack.”
“Well,youseemlikeadecentfellow.Ihatetokillyou.”
Helaughedsohardintomyneck,Ibrokeintogiggles.
Hestartedkissingmesoftly,stillchuckling,andItippedmyheadback.
Ihatedthatweonlyhadtimeforthisquickie.Thesecondtimewouldlastlonger.We’dtakeeverythingoff.We’dplayalittle.Drawitout.
ThiswasthenightIwanted.ItwastheweekendIwanted.IwishedIcouldjuststayhere,staywithhim.Ididn’twanttospendtwodayswithGabbyandJessicawhenthiswasthealternative.Ididn’twanttoridethebiketrailorsitinachaironthefour-seasonporchreadingabookorgetmynailsdoneatthelonesalonintown.Ijustwantedtodothis.AnditwasweirdbecauseuntilIgot
Huh.
Hekissedhiswayupundermychin.“Ididn’tknowyourlastname,”hesaid
“What?”Isaidabsently.
Hecameuptolookatme,hisearnesthazeleyespeeringintomine.“Itwasonthereservation,butIdidn’tknowitwasyou.”Hepaused.“I’veneverdonethiswithsomeoneIdidn’tknow,”hesaidquietly.
Thewayhesaiditmademeinstantlyfeelbad.LikeI’ddefiledhim.Madehimlowerhisstandardsforintimacy.Imean,hehadn’taskedmemylastname.ButthenheprobablythoughtIwouldn’thavetoldhim.Andhonestly?Iprobablywouldn’thave.I’dsortofhadonefootoutthedoorsincethestartofallthis.
ButIdidn’treallyhaveonefootoutthedoornow…
Iwasgoingtokeepseeinghim.Atleastforthetimebeing.Hedidn’tneedtoknowmywholelifestory,butIcouldgivehimalittlemorethanIhadbeen
Igavehimagentlekiss.“AlexisElizabethMontgomery.”
Hesmiledsothathiseyestwinkled.Thenheleanedin.“Alexis.”Kiss.“Elizabeth.”Kiss.“Montgomery.”
Ineverknewhearingmynamecouldmakemesmilesomuch.Iarchedaneyebrow.“AreyougoingtoGooglemenow?”
“Notifyoudon’twantmeto,”hesaid.“DidyouGoogleme?”
“Well,yeah.Whatifyouwerearegisteredsexoffender?”
Helookedamused.“And?Whatdidyoufind?”
“Five-starreviews.”
Helaughed.
MycellphonepingedfromwhereverI’ddroppeditonthefloor.
Danielnoddedoverhisshoulder.“Areyougonnacheckit?”
“Iprobablyshould,”Isaid,runningmyhandsthroughhishair.“Whatifthey’recomingback.”
Hegavemeafinalpeckandgotupandhandedmemyphonefromthefloor.Thenhewenttothebathroomtocleanup.
Icheckedthetextandgrinned.“They’regoingtotheVFW,”Icalledout.“Somethingabouttrivianight?”
Danielsmiledcomingoutofthebathroom,zippinguphispants.“Itgoesuntilten.”
“Sowehavethreemorehours?”
Heclimbedontothebed.“Wehavethreemorehours.”
Hewrappedaroundmeinthebiggest,sweetestteddybearhug,andagainImarveledthathewasboththiscuddlyboyandtheguywho’dscrewedmesenselessafewminutesago.
Heplantedakissonmyneck,thenproppedhimselfuponanelbowandlookeddownatme.“Whyisitabadbreakup?”heasked.
Iwrinkledmyforehead.“What?”
“Yourlastboyfriend.Yousaidyou’regoingthroughabadbreakup.Whyisitbad?”
Ihadn’tplannedontalkingtoDanielaboutNeil.Itwasn’treallyinformationheneeded.ButnowthatitwasthereasonIwaspretendingIdidn’tknowhiminfrontofmyfriends,itseemedlikeafairquestion.
Idrewinalongbreathandletitoutslowly.“Therelationshipwas…abusive.”
Hisbrowsdrewdown.“Hehityou?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Hewasmean.”
Danielstudiedme.Icouldn’tinterpretthelookonhisface.
“What?”Iasked.
Heshookhishead.“Iwouldneverbemeantoyou.”
Thecommenthitmerightintheheart,itwassoearnest.
No.Ididn’tthinkhewouldeverbemeantome.Danielcouldn’tbemeantoanyone,Isuspected.
Whoevergothimonedaywasgoingtobeaveryluckygirl.
WhenIdidn’tanswer,helookedathiswatch.“Iwasn’texpectingcompany,soI’mgoingtohavetogetcreativewithdinner,”hesaid.“Ishouldprobablyfeedyou.”
Hegotup.
“Needanyhelp?”
“Nope.ButyoucancomehangoutwithmewhileIcook.”
Heputonashirt,andIfollowedhimdownstairs.
Hehadapotofcoffeeonthekitchenette.“MindifIhavesomeofthis?”Iasked,alreadygrabbingamug.
“Icanmakeyouafreshone.”
“No,thisisfine,”Isaid,pouringit.“Igotusedtooldcoffeeduringmyresidency.NowIkindoflikeit.RemindsmeofthelittlebitofdowntimeIusedtoget.”
Hewatchedmetakeasip.“Nocream?Nosugar?”
“No.”
Heshookhishead.“Howcanyoudrinkthat?”
“It’scoffee.You’resupposedtotasteit.Youcan’ttasteitwithcreamandsugarinit.”
Helookedatmedubiously.“That’slikesayingyoucan’ttasteyoureggsbecauseyouaddsaltandpepper.”Hetookmymugfrommyhandandputittohismouth.Hewinced,handingitbacktome.“Thistasteslikeaburnedtire.”
Ilaughed.
Helookedamused.“Iguessthisprovesstrongcoffeedoesn’tputhaironyourchest.Actually,maybeIshouldgetacloserlook.”HepulledthefrontofmydressopenwithafingerandIlaughed,swattinghimaway.
ItwasamazinghowgoodIfelt.LikeI’dhadafullbodyandmindreset.AndIdidn’tthinkitwasonlybecauseofthesexeither.Iwashappytobehere
Cometothinkofit,I’dfeltlikethislastnightafterwe’dhunguptoo.I’dsleptbetterthanIhadinmonths.
Danielwasavacationforme,Irealized—likeabreakfrommyownbrainortherealityofmycurrentcrappysituation.Andwehadthateasyflowingconversationthatyousorarelyfindwithsomeone.IhaditwithDerekandBri,butI’dneverhaditwithNeil.WithNeil,IalwaysfeltlikeIneededtosaysomethingimportantorsmartforittobeworthbringingup.Wespentalotofquietmealstogether.
Atthetime,Ithoughtthismeantweweregoodwithcomfortablesilence.ButnowIrealizeditmeantsomethingelse.Somestrange,stiff,unnaturaldynamicthatI’ddealtwithforsolong,Ididn’tknowitwasn’tnormal.Itwasn’tacomfortablesilence,itwasjust…silence.
IstartedwanderingthegaragelookingaroundwhileDanielrummagedinafridge.Hunterwalkedwithme,pushinghisheadundermyhanduntilIresortedtowalkingwithapalmbetweenhisears.
IsawtheheadboardDanielhadbeenworkingonlastnight.Itwasproppedtodry.Hehadchairshangingfromthewallsinvariousstagesofcompletion.Adressersetandapairofnightstandssatbythegaragedoor.
Hehadastackofbooksonastoolbyhisworkbench.Ipickedupthetopone.TheCircusFire.
Daniellookedoveratme.“That’sagoodone.Haveyoureadit?”
Ishookmyheadatthecover.“No.”
“It’saboutthedeadlyRinglingBros.andBarnum&BaileyCircusfireof1944.You’dprobablyreallylikeit—severeburns,emergencysituation,masscasualties.Yourkindofthing.”
Ilaughed.
“Youcanborrowitifyouwant.”
“Thanks.Welikethesamebooks,”Isaid,lookingattherestofthestack.
Iknewhelikedhistory,butmostoftheseweren’tbigtitles.Self-publishedbooksaboutAlaskanhomesteadersandstoriesofNativeAmericans.Amemoiraboutamanwhoranadogsledteaminthe1940s.
Ilikedlesser-knownbookstoo.I’devenreadafewofthese.Itwasalittlesurprising.Ididn’treallyknowanyonewhoreadtheexactsamekindofbooksIliked.
“What’sthelastbookyouread?”heasked,pullingoutafryingpan.
“Well,Iactuallyjustfinishedthisone,”Isaid,showinghimonefromhisstack.“ButrightnowI’mreadingTheGreatInfluenzabyJohnM.Barry.”
“Ohyeah,Ireadthat,”hesaid,settingsomecarrots,garlic,andanoniononthecounter.“AbouttheSpanishfluof1918.Youknowmygreat-great-grandfatherWilburGrantsavedthewholetownfromthat.”
“Really?”Isaid.“How?”
“CutdowntreestoblocktheroadsintoWakan.Kepteveryonein,everyoneout.Didn’tloseoneperson.Theywereprettypissedathimthoughatthetime.”
“Washethemayortoo?”Iasked.
Danielnodded.“Yup.AGranthasalwaysbeenthemayor,goingbackonehundredandtwenty-fiveyears.”
“Wow.Always?”
“Always.”
“HowmanyGrantsareherenow?”
Heshrugged.“Justme.I’mthelastone.”
Ha.Iknewwhatthatwaslike.
“Andifyouleave?”Iasked.
Helaughed.“WhywouldIeverleave?”
Igavehimasmallsmile.
Hepulledoutaknifeandacuttingboard.“AfterWilburdied,mygreat-great-grandmotherRuthGranttookover.ShesetupanillegalProhibitionbootleggingoperationoutofthebasementofthehouse.ThemostprosperousyearsinWakanhistory.Theynamedaginafterher.Weuseittostitchpeopleupwithfishhooks.”
Ilaughed.
Ieyedafewnoveltywoodworkingpiecesinthecornerofthegarage.Therewerethreeofthem.Onewasawallhangingofahorse,itsmaneflowingbehindit,twistedintotheknottedwood.Therewasamirrorwithanintricatefloralappliquéframe,hand-wrought.Andacustomrockingchair.He’detchedanelaboratewhimsicaldesignintotheheadboard.Itwasbreathtakinglybeautiful.Worksofart.
“Didyoudothese?”Iasked,pointingatthesmallcollectioninthecorner.
Heglancedupfromchoppingcarrots.“Yeah.”
“Whoaretheyfor?”
“Justpracticepieces.”
“Theseareyourpracticepieces?”MyGod
Danielwasanartist.Itwaslikehebroughtthewoodtolifeinhishands.
Itracedthecurveofarosecarvedintothemirrorframe.“Howmuchdoyousellthesefor?”
Heshrugged.“Idon’tknow.Thematerialsaren’tveryexpensive.Thathorse?Thebeamcamefromanoldbarnweweretearingdown.Gotitforfree.It’smostlymytime.”
“Well,howmuchtimedidittaketodothisone?”Ipointedatthemirror.
Helookedatit.“Coupleofweeks?Idon’tknow.I’dprobablyasktwohundredforit.”
Iscoffed.“You’reundercharging.”
HelaughedlikeI’dtoldajoke.
“SeethewoodIusedforthehorse?”hesaid.“Ilikeditbecauseofthecolor.Thebarnwasahundred,hundredandtwentyyearsold.Theammoniafromthecow’surinestainsitovertime.Darkensit.”Henoddedatit.“Youseetheghosts?Thoselighterpatchesonthehorse’sneck?That’swherethemetalbracketsusedtobe.Theammoniadidn’tgettothatpartofthewood,soit’slighter.”Hepushedhischoppedcarrotsintoapan.“Ilikeworkingwiththingsthathavehistory.Itgivesitcharacter.There’llneverbeanotheroneexactlylikeit.”
Myfacewentsoft.Hewasanartist.
Iglancedoverathim.HelookedreallyhandsomestandingthereinhisblackGrantHouseT-shirt,allbeardedwithhisdimplesflashing,awalloftoolshangingbehindhim.Therewassomethinginfinitelysexyaboutamanwhocouldbuildthings.Andcookthings.Whenhestartedtosautétheonionsandgarlic,IthinkIfellalittlebitinlove.
Icamebackovertothekitchenetteandsatontheweightbenchtowatchhim.Hunterputhisfaceinmylap.
“Whydon’tyoudothecarpentryfull-time?”Iasked,pettingthedog.“You’resogoodatit.”
Heshruggedoverhisfryingpan.“Couldn’tmakealivingoutofit.Thevillageistoosmall.”
Ismiled.“Youcouldgobigger.Shipyourpieces.Iknowpeoplewhowouldpaythousandsofdollarsforthisstufftofurnishtheircabins.”
Icouldseebyhissmilethathetookthecompliment.Iwatchedhimaddajarofhome-cannedtomatoestothepan.
“Doyoucookthebreakfasts?”Iasked
“Ido.I’vebeentryingtogetyoutostayforone.LookslikeI’mfinallygettingwhatIwant.”Hegavemeatriumphantgrin.
Bothofusweresmiling.We’dbeensmilingsincetheminutewewerealoneandallowedtodoit.
“Thiswasthebestsurprise,”Isaid,almosttomyself.
Hebeameddownathispan.“Youknow,youcancomewheneveryouwant,”hesaid.“Iwantyouto.”
“WheneverIwant?”Iteased.“Idon’twanttoshowupandyou’renotalone.”
“I’llalwaysbealonewhenyoushowup.I’mnotseeinganyoneelse.”
Ididn’trespondtothis.Itwasn’tmybusinessifhewasseeingotherpeople—eventhoughthethoughtofitdidbothermealittlebit.
Wasitweirdthatitbotheredme?Itshouldhavebeen,right?Ishookitoff.
“Areyougoingtosneakintomyroomtonight?”Iasked.
“Ithinkit’sbetterifyousneakintomine,”hesaid,talkingtohisfryingpan.“Yourfriendissharingthatbathroom.Plus,wecanmakemorenoiseoverhere.”Hegrinned.
“WhydidyouopentheB&B?Ithoughtyousaiditwasclosedfortheseason.”
Hewentquietforalongmoment.“Ihadto.Amber—mymom—issellingthehouse.”
Ifroze.“What?”
“She’ssellingit,”hesaid.“TobuyabikeshopinFlorida.IhavethesummertoraisefiftythousanddollarsforadownpaymentonthepropertysoIcantrytobuyit.IfIcan’traisethemoney…”Hepaused.“Ihavetoraisethemoney.”Henoddedatthegarage.“Ineedtofinishallthistosellattheswapmeet.AndIhadtoopenthehouseearlytoconvincehertowait.”
Ishookmyhead.“But…howcanshedoit?It’syourfamily’shouse.”
Icouldn’tevenimagineifRoyaumewasbeingtakenfrommyfamily.
SuddenlyIcouldseethestrainaroundhiseyes.Hemustbetotallyoverwhelmed.Ilookedaroundatthehugebacklogoffurniture.Itwasawarehousefull,andnoneofitwascomplete.Therewasnowayhecoulddoitall.Notwhilehewasrunningthebed-and-breakfastatthesametime.
“I’msosorry,Daniel.”Ididn’tknowwhatelsetosay.
Hejustsmiled.“It’llworkout.Thisweekendhelps.Igotmostoftheroomsbooked.AndIgettoseeyou.”
IstayedthewholenightinDaniel’sloft.ItextedGabbyandJessicaandtoldthemIwasgoingtosleepsotheywouldn’tcheckonmewhentheygotin.ThenIlockedmyroomandcamebacktothegarageandsleptwithDaniel—well,ourversionofsleeping,whichdidn’tinvolvemuchsleepingatall,actually.
Whenhegotupat5:45toputcoffeeoninthehouse,Isnuckbackinwithhimandwenttomyroom.
Ilovedspendingtimewithhim,justhangingoutwithhim.Itwassoeasyandfun.
Hedidn’tfeellikehisage.Maybehe’dhadtogrowupfast,likeIdid.
Well,I’dgrownupfastinsomeways—andIhadn’tinothers.Iwascollegeboundbyseventeen,butIdidn’thaveafirstkissuntilIwastwenty.Ididn’tlosemyvirginityuntilIwastwenty-four.Ididn’treallygettodotheteenagerthing.GuessIwasgettingtodoitnowthough,sneakingoutofthehouselikeakid.
Imetthegirlsinthediningroomforbreakfastatnine.
“Oh,myGod,”GabbysaidfromherseatatthetablewhenIwalkedin.“Youmissedout.Wehadsomuchfunlastnight.”
IpouredmyselfacoffeefromthestationDanielhadsetuponthebuffettableagainstthewall.“Really?”Metoo.
“Yeah,sowewenttothisVFW,whichwaskindofratty,butitwastheonlythingthatwasopen.Thisguystartedhittingonusandhepullsoutthisguitarandsings‘MoreThanWords’—Idied.”
Ichokedonmycoffeeandspititbackintomymug.“Wasitanygood?”Iasked,stilllaughing,wipingupmychin.
Jessicascoffed.“Itwasasbadasthefoodatthatrestaurantweateatlastnight,”shemuttered.“Whatdidyoueatfordinner?”
Itookaseatandshrugged.“Theguymademeasandwich.”
HeactuallymademepastaBologneseusingtomatoeshe’dgrownandcanned.Itwasamazing.Iwashavingaverydifferentweekendthantheywere…
Danielcameinbalancingthreeplatesonhistattooedforearms.Wemadesplit-secondeyecontactbeforewelookedawayfromeachother.
Thechemistrybetweenuswasoffthecharts.Hemademybodyreactjustbybeingintheroom,anditoccurredtomethatthiswouldbetrueevenifwe’dnevertouchedeachother.EvenifIhadbeenhereonacouple’sweekendwithNeilandthiswasthefirsttimeI’devermethim,Iwouldhavenoticedit.Itwaslikeapupilshrinkingunderalight,totallyinvoluntary.
HestartedsettingFrenchtoastinfrontofus.
God,helookedgood.Hewaswearinganapron.Hishairwassortofmessyandlookedeffortlesslyadorable.JustwhenIthoughthecouldn’tgetanycuter.
“How’syourhead?”Jessicaaskedme.“Youlooklikeyouwereupallnight.”
“Iwas,”Isaid,glancingatDanieljustintimetoseethecornerofhisliptwitch.
Ididn’thavemakeupon.IneverinamillionyearswouldhaveletNeilseemelikethisinthemorning.ButDanielsaidhedidn’tmind,andIwastootiredfromlastnighttomaketheeffort.Honestly,Ireallydidn’tthinkhecared.Themanwasaperpetualerectionaroundme.IfthewayIlookedinthemorningturnedhimoff,hispeniscertainlydidn’tgetthememo.
Danielclearedhisthroatfromtheendofthetable.“BakedFrenchtoastwithasplashofMadagascarbourbonvanilla,toppedwithmaceratedberries,servedwithcandiedmaplebaconandfreshmelon.LetmeknowifIcangetyouanythingelse.”Asmileandaflickerofeyecontactwithmeandthenhelefttheroom.
Westartedeating.
“Thisissogood,”Gabbysaid,moaning.
Itwasgood.Ireallyshouldhavelethimmakemebreakfastsooner.Wow.
IwasbeginningtothinkmaybeIshouldstarttakingDanieluponmoreofhisoffers.Sofarhehadn’tdisappointedme—inanything.
Iheardacreakinthefoyer,andHuntercamein.Thefrontdoormusthavebeenajar.Hetrottedovertothetablewithaplushtoyinhismouthandputhisfaceinmylap.
Ismiled.“Heythere.”
Iwipedmymouthwithanapkinandreacheddowntopethishead.
Thentheplushtoymoved.
“Oh,myGod!”Iscreamed,pushingawayfromthetable.
Istaredatthethinginhisjawsinhorror.“He…hehasasquirrel!”
GabbyandJessicapracticallyfelloverbackwardgettingup.Danielmusthaveheardthenoise,becausehecamerunninginfromthekitchen.
Hunterbackedintothemouthofthediningroom,blinkingatusinnocently,likehedidn’tknowwhatthebigdealwas.
Thethinghunglimpfromhismouth.Thenthetailtwitched.Ohno,itwasplayingdead.
Danielputhishandsout.“Hunter…don’tmove.”
Iswallowed,mybackpressedagainstthebuffet.“Maybeyoucangethimtogooutside?”Iwhispered.
Danielnodded.“Goodidea,”hesaid,hisvoicelow.
Hestartedslowlyforthefrontdoor.
Thesquirrelbeganwiggling—Hunterflungitintheair.
Everyoneshrieked.
Hecaughtitagainlikeakidcasuallytossingabaseballandthenshookitarounduntilhisearwasinsideout,andthenhewentbacktoblinkingatus.
Wewereallholdingourbreath,hostage
Danielgotallthewaytothefoyer.Heopenedthedoorwideandpointed.“Hunter,out.”
Hunterlookedathim,confused.ThenhedippedhisheadandverygentlyplacedtheanimalatDaniel’sfeet.Itimmediatelysprangtolifeanddartedunderthediningroomtable.
Completechaos.
Screaming,chairsknockingover,brokenglass.
Gabby,whohadsatattheendagainstthewallandwhowasnoweffectivelytrappedbyfallenchairs,climbedthetableandscrambledonherhandsandkneesoverplatesoffoodtoescape.
Huntersmiledaroundattheactivity,lookingproudofhimself.
Weburstoutside,leavingDanielandhisdoginthehouse.
Whenwegotoutonthelawn,westoodtheregasping.JessicawasclutchingthefrontofhershirtlikeshewashavingaheartattackandGabbyhadanentirepieceofFrenchtoaststucktoherboobfromthetablearmy-crawl.Itbegantopeeloff,slowly,andthenitlandedonthegrasswithaplop.
Breathinghard,westaredatitsittingthere.
Andthenwestartedtolaugh.
Uncontrollable,soul-releasinglaughter
WewerelaughingsohardwhenDanielcameoutsideafewminuteslatertoreleasethething,wewerecrying.
Hunterboundeddownthestairsandbouncedamongus,tailwagging.Heletoutalongroooooooooo!ThenheatetheFrenchtoast.
Ihadtowipetearsoffmycheeks.
Danielcameovertous,lookingapologetic.“I’msorry.He’sgotasoftmouth,”hesaid,rubbingthebackofhisneck.“It’sgoodforahuntingdog.Meanstheywon’tmaulthebirdstheyretrieve.Italsomeanstheydon’tkillthethingstheycatch…”
Jessicahowled.Idon’tthinkI’deverheardherlaughsohard.Shewasalwayssoserious.
Danielputathumboverhisshoulder.“Icanreplateeverythingifyoujustgivemeafewminutes,”hesaid,lookingembarrassed.
Jessicanodded,wipingunderhereyes.“Pleasedo.”
WhenDanielwentbackintothehouse,Gabbyshookherhead.“Thisplaceissogettingonestar.Whatashitshow.”Shelaughed.
Isoberedinstantly.“What?Youcan’tgiveitonestar.”
Jessicashookherhead,stilltittering.“I’mprettysureliverodentsatbreakfastdeserveonestar,Ali.”
“Itwasanaccident,”Isaid.
“Uh,thatdogshouldn’tbearoundpeople,”Gabbysaid.“He’snottrained.”
“He’sarescue.He’sstilllearning.”
Gabbywrinkledherforehead.“Howdoyouknow?”
“Theguytoldme.Seriously.Donotgivethisplaceonestar.You’llhurthisbusiness.”
Gabbyscoffed.“So,like,anentiresquirrelatbreakfastdeserveswhat?Someravereview?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Youdon’thavetolie.Justdon’trateitatall.”
Shecrossedherarms.“IfItreatedpatientsthewaythisguyrunsthisB&B,I’dbesuedformalpractice.”
“It’snotthatserious,Gabby,”Isaid.“Wealllaughed.”
Jessicalookedannoyed.“Ali,shehadtoclimbacrossatable.HernewLululemonshirtisruined.Andthatdogpracticallyknockedyouoveryesterday.Heshouldbelockedupattheveryleast.It’sextremelyirresponsible.”
Anacorndroppedbehindherontothegrasswithamuffledthud.
“Youdon’tthinkyou’rebeingalittlehardonhim?”Iasked,lookingbackandforthbetweenthem.“Onestarforthedog?”
“Frankly,no,Idon’t,”Jessicasaid,wavingoffadragonfly.“Ithinkit’swarranted.”
Westoodthereinatensemomentofsilence.
Theydidn’tknow.
Theydidn’tknowDanielwasn’tnothingtome.Hisstruggleswerenotsomeabstractidea,becausehematteredtome.Theydidn’tknowbecauseIcouldn’t—wouldn’t—tellthem.
IfIdid,I’dlendhimmyprotection.Theywouldn’twritethatreviewbecausemeaskingthemnottowouldbeenough.IfIjustsaid,Look,thisistheguyI’vebeenseeing.Pleasedon’t.Theywouldn’t.
ButIcouldn’tdothat.BecausethenI’dbegivingDanieltoNeil.
Andthatwasworse.
Iwipedundermyeyes.
“Gracecostsyounothing,”Isaid.AndIwentbackinside.Chapter19
Daniel
IwasinthediningroomcleaningupthemesswhenAlexiscamebackintothehousewithHunterbehindher.
Thediningroomwasdestroyed.Fuckingdestroyed.TherewasapieceofFrenchtoaststucktothewall,coffeeontheOrientalrugunderthetable,orangejuicesplatteredalloverthehutch,brokenglass.
“IthinkI’mgoingtohavetosetyouguysupinthefour-seasonporch,”Isaidtoher,shakingmyheadattheroom.ThankGodIalwaysmadeenoughforseconds.
HunterpushedhisfaceunderAlexis’shandandpressedhisbodytoherleg.
“Ididn’tlikethepresent,Hunter,”Alexismumbled.
Ilookeddownathisshaggyhead.“Ithinkmydogmightbeinlovewithyou.Andgrounded,”Imuttered.“He’sdefinitelygrounded.”
Shelaugheddryly.
Ishookmyhead.“Whatishisproblem?Hedoesnotlisten.Ican’tevengethimtosithalfthetime.Imean,Iknowhuntingbreedsarestubborn,butJesus.”
“He’sdeaf.”
Istaredather.“What?”
“He’sdeaf,Daniel.Maybenottotally,but—mostly.”
Iblinkedather.“Wha—howdoyouknow?”
Shegaveaone-shouldershrug.“Watching?Whenyougivehimhandsignals,heobeys.Whenyoutalk,heignoresyou.”
Ilookeddownatmydog.“Hunter,sit.”
Helookedupatmewithhisblankface.
“Sit,Hunter,”Isaidagain.
Nothing.
Iputanindexfingerupinthehandsignalforsit.
Huntersat.
“Oh,wow,”Ibreathed.“Thisclearsupsomuch,”Isaidinwonder.
Shelaughedweakly.
Idraggedahanddownmybeard.“Probablyfromtheshooting.Theyshootoverthedog’shead.That’sprobablywhytheyretiredhim,hecan’thear.”
“Sohe’sagoodboyafterall,”shesaid,somewhattiredly.
“Alldogsaregoodboys,”Isaid.“Eventhisone.”Itookonemorelookatthediningroomandblewabreaththroughmylips.“I’llhavebreakfastoutagaininfifteenminutes.Canyouletthemknow?”
“Yeah.Aretheirroomshaunted?”
Ilaughed.“What?”
“Didyougivethemhauntedrooms?Ifnot,canwemaybedoaseance?Summonsomedemons?BecauseIwouldn’tbeupsetifaclosetopeneduponthemandbloodpouredout.”
“Areyoumadatthem?”Iasked.
“I’malittleirritatedwiththem,yeah.”
“IhearDougsangthem‘MoreThanWords’lastnight,”Isaid.“That’snotenoughpunishment?”
“Nope.”
“IheardwhattheysaidaboutJane’s,”Isaid.“Doreenmakeseverythingfromscratchthere.It’shergrandmother’srecipes.Itsuckstheydidn’tlikeit.”
“I’mbeginningtothinktheydon’tlikeanything,”shemumbled.
Iwaslaughingatthiswhenweheardshrieksfromoutside.AlexisandImadesplit-secondeyecontactbeforeIrantothewindowandsquintedattheyard.“Whatthehell…”
“Whatisit?”Alexisasked,comingupbehindme.
“Ithinkit’s…acorns?”
JessicaandGabbywererunningtothefrontdoor,theirhandsovertheirheadstryingtoblocktheonslaught.Theoaktreesliningthedrivewayweredroppingacornslikehail—whichwasweirdbecausetheydidn’tdothatuntilthefall…
Iopenedthefrontdoortoletthemin,andassoonastheycrossedthethreshold,thedelugeoutsideabruptlyceased
“Unbelievable,”Jessicasaidangrily.
Shehadredweltsonherbarearms.
Gabbywaspullingacornsfromherhair.
Alexisblinkedattheminshock.“Whathappened?”
“Thefuckingtrees!”Jessicasnapped.
Iwentoutsideandjoggeddownthestairs.Istoppedunderthefirstoakandpickeduponeoftheprojectiles.
Acorn.
Soweird…Iturneditaroundinmyfingers.Ilookedupatthetree,shadingmyeyes.Ididn’tseeanyonthebranches.Maybetheyallfell?Buttheydon’tdropuntilSeptember.Andwhentheydo,theysureashelldon’tdroplikethis.Maybeasquirrel’snestgotknockedoverorsomething?
Iturnedaround,lookingatthemess.Theremusthavebeenathousandacornsonthelawn.
Alexiscameoutsideamomentlater,lookingweary.“They’rejustgoingtogoeatatJane’sandthenrentbikes.”
Iblinkedather.“Oh.Theydon’twantbreakfast?”
“Nothere,”shesaidglumly.
Mystomachdropped.
Thiswasn’thowIwantedthisweekendtogo.Notformyguests,notforme,andespeciallynotforAlexis.Iwantedtoimpressher.
Idraggedahandthroughmyhair.“I’msorry.Idon’tknowhowtodaygotsomessedup.”
“It’sokay,”shesaid,slidingherhandsintoherpockets.
“Whenwillyoubeback?”Iasked.
“I’mnotgoing.”
Iwrinkledmyforehead.“You’renotgoingwithyourfriends?”
“I’mnotveryhappywiththemrightnow.I’mgoingtostayandhelpyoucleanup.”
IwashappyIwasgettingtimewithher,butIshookmyhead.“Youdon’thavetodothat.”
“Iwantto.Icandothesweeperthingy.”
“Thebroom?”Ilookedather,amused.
Hercheeksgotalittlepink.“Yeah.That’swhatImeant.”
Istudiedherforasecond.“Doyouknowhowtosweep?”
Shetuckedherhairbehindherearandlookedawayfromme.“I…Idon’tcleanmyownhouse,Daniel.I’veneverdoneitbefore.”
“You’venevercleaned?”
Shelookedembarrassed.“No.Notreally.No.”
Iblinkedather.
“Imean,Iloadthedishwasher.Iputclothesinthelaundrybasket—”
“Canyoudolaundry?”
Shepausedamomentbeforeshakingherhead.
Idon’tknowwhy,butthismademefeelabouttwohundredthousandtimesbetter.
Shecrossedherarms.“Don’tmakefunofme—”
“I’mnot.”
“You’resmiling.”
“I’msmilingbecausethisentireweekendhasmademefeellikeIsuckateverythingandit’snicetoknowthatmaybeyousuckatthingstoo.”
Shesnorted.“Daniel,you’regoodateverything.Trustme.”
“Yeah,well,sexstuffdoesn’tcount.”
“Uh,itactuallydoes.AndI’mnotjusttalkingaboutsexstuff.Yourwoodworking,yourcooking.”
Thosethingsdidn’treallyfeelequaltoamedicaldegree,butI’dtakethem.AtthispointIneededallthehelpIcouldget.
“Youdon’thavetoclean,”Isaid.“Justhangoutwithme.”
Butsheshookherhead.“Iwanttohelp.Wouldyoushowme?”
Ismiled.“Sure.”Chapter20
Alexis
IspentthedayhelpingDanielwithhischores,anditwaswork.Wecleanedupthebreakfastdisaster,andthenwehadtogodotherooms.Makethebeds,cleanthebathrooms.Ihadneverscrubbedashowerbefore.Itwasexhausting.
Andhedidthiseveryday
Itgavemeawholenewappreciationformyhousekeeper.
BrilikedtosayshecouldtellI’dnevercriedinawalk-infridgebefore.I’dneverworkedretailorinarestaurant.Shesaiditshouldbemandatorythateveryoneworkatafast-foodplaceforsixmonthsbecauseitchangesyou,andIthinkthisiswhatshemeant.
ItmademethinkabouteverytimeIleftadirtymakeupwipeonthecounter,orItossedmyshoesonthefloorandcamebacktothemputaway.Imustseemsorude,Irealized.
BythetimeJessicaandGabbycamebackfromtheirbikeride,I’dcalmeddownalittle.
IwenttodinneratJane’swiththem.DanieltoldmeLizwasn’tworking,thankGod,sonobodythererecognizedme.Andthefoodwasgood.Idon’tknowwhattheyweretalkingabout.Ilikedit.Doreenwasthere,andshesaidtheysourcedtheirproducelocally.TheeggsandmilkcamefromDoug’sfarm.
Wecamebackafterdinnerandspentafewhoursinthescreened-ingazebobytheriver,drinkingwineandhangingout.ItwasSaturday,soDanielwasattheVFWcallingbingo,andIdidn’tevengettoseehimaroundthehouse.IwouldratherhavebeentherewithhimthanherewithGabbyandJessica.
Istillwasn’thappywitheitherofthem.ButGabbypromisedshewouldn’twriteareview,soatleastDanielwassparedthat.
Isnuckbackintosleepwithhimaftertheyfinallywenttobedatmidnight.Iwokeupat5:45againwhenhedidandwentbacktomyroom.Andthatwasit.Theweekendwasover.
OurlastbreakfastSundaymorningwasuneventful—andreallygood.GabbyaskedfortherecipeforthelingonberrycrepesDanielhadmade,andhegaveheralaminatedrecipecardonGrantHousecardstockthathealreadyhadprintedandwaiting.
Hewasanexcellenthost.Ifeltconfidentthatdespitethesquirrel/acorndebacle,he’dadequatelyredeemedtheGrantHouseintheeyesofmyfriends.
Ididn’tneedanyredemptionfromhim.IwasveryhappywiththeserviceIgot.Allweekend.Seventimes.
Wewereloadingourbagsinthecartogohome,andIhadthesaddestfeeling.
Ididn’twanttoleave.Ididn’twanttogobacktotherealworldandmycrappysituationwithNeil.
Andtheotherthing.Ididn’tfeellikeIgotenoughtimewithDaniel.
IstartedthinkingaboutwhenIwouldcomeagain,andIrealizedIwasalreadycancelingplanswithotherpeopleinmyheadtomaketimetobehere.I’dgonefrombeingpositiveIwasnevergoingtoseehimagain,toseeinghimbeingtheonlythingIfeltlikedoing.
Somewheredeepinthebackofmybrain,awarningsignalflashed.
IwashavingmorefunwithhimthanIexpected.IwantedtospendmoretimewithhimthanIexpected—andthiswasn’tagoodthing.Itfeltgood,butitwasn’t.
Icouldn’tdevelopadependencyonsomeoneIcouldn’thavelongterm.AndDanielIcouldnothavelongterm.
Chemistryandthingsincommonaside,Danielwouldneverworkinmylife.Hewastooyoung,toofaraway.
Hewastoodifferent…
Iknewthis.ButIwasgettingaheadofmyself.Allthiswasjusttheexcitementofsomethingnew.Thesefeelingswouldfizzleout.Inafewmonthswe’dgettiredofeachother,andthiswouldrunitscourse,andwe’dbothmoveon.Iwasn’tgoingtoworryaboutit.
IdroppedmybaginthetrunkandcamearoundtothesideoftheSUVwhereGabbywasleaning,lookingatherscreen.
ShehadTripAdvisorup.Therewasaone-starratingatthetopofthepage.
Whenshesawme,shetuckedherphoneintoherpurse.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked,crossingmyarms.
“Nothing,”shesaidquickly.
“WereyouratingtheGrantHouse?”
Jessicamoaned,tossingherbagintothebackseat.“Whocares?”
“Shesaidshewouldn’t,”Isnappedather.
Gabbygavemealook.“Ali,peopledependonmyreviews.Thisismyhonestexperience.”
Ipressedmylipsintoaline.
“Look,Iwasgentle,okay?AndImadesuretomentionthathecompedourstay—”
“Wait.Hewhat?”
Sheshrugged.“Hecompedourstay.”
Ishookmyheadather.“Why?”
ShelookedatmelikeI’dspokenthewordinanotherlanguage.“Uh,becauseIcomplained?”
“Whywouldyoudothat?Hewasperfectlypolitetous.”
Sheputahandonherhip.“Comeon,Ali.Adogattackedyou.Adangsquirrelwasinthehouse.Wedidn’teatbreakfastyesterday,anditwaspartofwhatwepaidfor.Jessicastillhasredmarksonherarmsfromtheacorns.”
“You’reholdinghimaccountableforthedamntrees?”
Shecrossedherarms.“Yeah.Iam.Iftheydropacornshardenoughtohurtpeople,thentheyshouldn’tbewhereguestsarewalkingaround.Oneofuscouldhavelostaneye.Hecouldhaveatleasthadsignsupwarningusaboutfallingdebris.What’swithyou?”
Iletashakybreathoutthroughmynose.
Iwasfurious.
IsawDanielgetupat5:45inthemorningjusttomakesurewehadcoffeeifwehappenedtobeawakewanderingthehalls.IknewthecheeseheputoutforuseverynightcamefromDoug’sfarmtohelpkeephiminbusiness,andDanielhadpurchasedthatforourappetizerhour,andnowhewaslosingmoneyonthatbecausewedidn’tevenpayforourstay.
NownotonlywasDanielgoingtobedingedonhisstarrating,ithadcosthimmoneytohostus.Andheneededthatmoney.
IhatedthatI’dcomeherewiththem.Ifeltashamedbyassociation.Hadtheyalwaysbeenlikethis?OrwasIjustnowstartingtofinditunacceptable?
HadIbeenlikethisonce?
Andtheanswertothatmademefeelashamedtoo.
Iblewacalmingbreaththroughtightlips.
Gabbywouldneverbackdownfromthis.ThemoreIpushedher,themoreshe’ddigin.Shewaswaytooentitled.
ButIhadadifferentidea.
“Okay.You’reright.It’syourexperience,”Isaid.Andthen,“Hey,doyouguyswanttoseesomethingcool?”Iasked.
Jessicalookedatherwatchandblewoutanimpatientbreath.“Fine.Butcanwemakeitquick?”
Inodded.“Yeah.Comeon.Followme.”
Iwalkedthemtothegarageandheldthedoorhandle,turningtothem.“Isawthisyesterdaywhileyouwereonyourbikeride.”Iknockedandthenpeekedinside.Danielwasathisworkbench.“CanIshowthemthosefreestyleprojectsyouhave?”
Heblinkedatme.“Sure.”
Ilettheminandtookthemtothepieceshekeptinthecornerofthegarage.
“Oh,wow…”Gabbybreathed.
“Aren’tthesecool?”Iasked.“He’sasixth-generationcarpenter.Hisgreat-great-great-grandfatheractuallybuiltthehousewestayedin.”
“Doeshesellthese?”Gabbyasked.
Inodded.“Yup.”
Jessicawasexaminingthemirror.“ThiswouldbegreatinMarcus’sofficeatthecabin.Ididn’tgethimabirthdaygift.Howmuch?”sheasked,lookingoveratDaniel.
“Threethousand,”Isaidbeforehecouldanswer.“Iaskedhimyesterday.Thisonetookoverahundredhourstomake.Thewood’s—whatdidyousayitwas?”Iaskedhim.
Danielwasblinkingatme.“Blackwalnut?”
“Blackwalnut,”Isaid,turningbacktoher.“It’soneofakind.”
“I’lltakeit,”Jessicasaid,likeanafterthought.“DoyoutakeVenmo?”
“Uh,yeah?”Danielsaid,lookingshocked.
Ipointedtothehorse.“Ithoughtthatonewouldbecoolforthedenatyourhouse,”ItoldGabby.“Thisoneisthirty-fivehundred.It’shand-wroughtfromabeamthatwasinahundred-year-oldbarn.Seethecolor?Theammoniafromtheanimal’surinestainsthewood,”Isaid,repeatingwhathehadtoldme.“That’swherethebracketusedtobe,thislighterspot?”
Shecrouchedtolookatit.
“Canheputitinthecar?”sheasked.“Itlooksheavy.”
AtextpingedtomycellphoneaswedroveoutofWakanahalfhourlater.IwasinthemiddleofwritingtheGrantHouseafive-starreview.
Daniel:WTH???
Ismiled.
Me:I’msorrytheywerelikethat.Youshouldn’thavecompedtheirstay.
Icouldseehimwritingatext.Thedotswerebouncing.
Daniel:Itwastherightthingtodo.Theirvisitwasn’tuptomystandard.Itwascustomerservice.
Andthen:Theypaidwaytoomuchforthosepieces.Youshouldn’thavetoldthemtheycostsomuch.
Iscoffedquietly.Itwasnothingforthem.Justlikeitwasnothingforme.
I’dplayedwithapiginatwo-thousand-dollardress.IsteppedindogpoopinashoethatcostasmuchastheweekendawayforthreethatDanieljustcomped,andIjustleftitthere.Itwasn’tevenworthmytimetocleanit.Ididn’teventhinkaboutthesethings.Theywereinsignificanttome.
IwasfloatingaroundinsomeuniversethatIwasbeginningtorealizemostpeopledidn’tlivein.Danielcertainlydidn’t.
Ididn’tlikehoweasyitwasforsomeonelikeGabby,inherpositionofprivilege,topunchdown.Atall
Itwassuchanunfairpowerdynamic.Shewaslikeakidwieldingherone-starreviewslikeatoy,forfun.Onlyitwasn’tagame.Itwassomeone’slivelihood.
AndherewasDaniel,doingwhathefeltwastherightthing,refundingthewholeweekend.Hewasintheworstpositiontobegenerous,yethewas.Andshewasinthebestpositiontoshowgrace,andshedidn’t.Anddoingitwouldhavecosthernothing.
Andthatwasthefundamentaldifferencebetweenthem.
Itypedmyresponse.
Me:Youdeservedassholetax.Trustme.
AndthenIpaused,thinkingaboutwhatIwantedtosay.
Me:Knowyourworth,Daniel.
Iwishithadalwaysbeenaseasytoknowmine.Chapter21
Daniel
Alexishadn’tbeenouttoseemesincelastweekendwhenshecamewithherfriends,butwetalkedeverydayforhours
Ilikedher.Ilikedhersomuch,itwasn’tevenfunny.
Thesexwasunreal,shewassmartandbeautiful,andIlovedhangingoutwithher.Ihadn’tfeltlikethisinsuchalongtime,Icouldn’tevenrememberbeingthisintosomeone.MaybeIneverhadbeen.
Myentirelifewasnowreducedtotwothings.RaisingthemoneytobuythehouseandtryingtogetAlexistocomeseeme.I’dgoseeherifitwasn’tforthefirstthing.
Iwasworkingmyselftothebone.
WhenIwasn’tdealingwithguestsorthehouserepairsI’dpromisedAmber,IwasworkinginthegarageonthepiecesIwastryingtofinish.Iwasexhausted.
TodaywasthefirstdayinaweekthatIwasgivingmyselfadayoff,treatingmyselftoabreakfastIdidn’thavetocookbeforeIheadedovertoDoug’stohelphimwithstuffonthefarm.IshouldprobablyhavejustbackedoutandtoldhimIhadtoomuchworktodoathome—whichIdid.ButIneededthechange.Andbeingoutsideandwithmyfriendswasanicebreak,evenifI’dbedoingmanuallaborthewholetime.
IwasatJane’sinaboothwaitingfortheguys.Iwasalittleearly,soIcalledAlexis.Sheansweredonthesecondring.
“Daniel,Ican’ttalkrightnow.I’mhavinganemergency.”Shesoundedlikeshewascrying.
Isatup.“Areyouokay?”
Shesniffed.“No.Notreally.Thepowerisout,sothecoffeemakerwon’twork.”
Ibarkedoutalaugh.
“Thisisnotfunny!It’sbeentwohoursandIhavetogotowork.”
“Okay.Thisisserious.Youshouldprobablydrinkallthevodkabeforeitgoesbad.”
“Daniel!”
Ichuckled.“Okay,okay.IthinkIcanhelp.Isyourovengasorelectric?”
“Ithinkit’sgas.”
“Youthink?”
“Idon’tcoooook,”shesaidmiserably.
Igrinned.“Ifit’sgas,itshouldwork,evenifthepower’sout.YoucanboilwateranduseaFrenchpressifyouhaveone.”
“IonlyhaveaKeurig.”
“Canyoujustgetinthecarandgotoacoffeeshop?”
“Itried.Thegaragedoorwon’topen.Nopower,”shesaid,defeated.“I’mtrapped.”
Thewayshebreathedthelastwordmadememovethephoneawayfrommymouthtolaugh.
“Pulltheemergencyrelease,”Isaid,smiling.
“There’sanemergencyrelease?”
Ipinchedthebridgeofmynose,tryingnottocrackup.“Thereis.Gointhere,andI’lltellyouhowtoopenit.”
“Thisishowyoudieinthezombieapocalypse,”shesaidwithwonder.“Ialwaysthoughtitwouldbeaninfectedzombiebiteorexposureorsomething,butit’sthis.Yougetacaffeineheadacheonthefirstdayandyouloseyourwilltoliveandyoujustliedownandtheyeatyou.”
Ilaughed.“Intheeventofazombieapocalypse,IpromiseIwillnotletyougeteaten.”
“How?You’renothere.”
“I’dcomegetyou.I’dputtogetherarecoveryteam.You’readoctor.You’reahigh-valueacquisition.DougbetmeahundredbucksIcouldn’tgetthebestZompacsquad,Ineedyou.”
Shelaughedweakly.
Iheardadooropen.“Okay,I’minhere.”
“Allright.Youmightneedaladder.Lookforthemotor.It’sasmallboxontheceilinginthemiddleofthegarage.It’sattachedtoametalrunnerthatpullsthedoorup.There’salittlestringhangingdownfromit.Youseeit?”
“Yeah.”
“Youpullthatandthenyoucanliftthedoorfromthebottomandopenit.”
Therewasaquietpause.“Daniel,you’remyhero.”
“Well,thankyou.ButIthinkthestandard’salittlelow.”
Shepaused.“IhatethatIdon’tknowthings.”
“Howmanybonesarethereinthehumanbody?”
“Twohundredandsix,”shesaidwithoutskippingabeat.
“Whichone’syourfavorite?”
“Ilikethehyoidbone.It’sbasicallyfreefloatingandnoonetalksaboutit.”Shesniffed.“It’sveryunderrated.”
Ismiled.“Yeah,Ithinkyou’redoingokay.”
Shelaughed,andIheardthegaragedooropen.
“Whyisthepowerout?”Iasked,noddingatPopeyeshufflingin.
“Idon’tknow.”
“Isitthewholeblock?”
“GabbyandJessicaaren’thome,soIdon’tknow.”
“Didyoucheckthebreaker?”Iasked.
“What’sthat?”
Ishookmyheadwithasmile.God,thiswassoher.Shewasthisconundrumofawoman.Completelyremarkableineveryway,doesn’tknowaboutbreakerboxesorhowtowashaloadofwhitesormakeabed.IthinkI’dbeencleaningsinceIwasoldenoughtowalk.OneofGrandma’sfavoritepicturesofmewasme,threeyearsold,holdingatoiletbowlscrubber.
“There’sprobablyanelectricalpanelinthegarage,”Isaid.“Golookforit.”
“Okay,holdon.”
“It’smetal,”Isaid,puttingmycoffeecuptomylips.“Probablygray.It’llhaveswitchesonit.”
“Likealightswitchthingy?”
“Didyoufindalightswitchthingy?”Iasked,amused.
“Yeah.”
“Sendmeapictureofit.”
Iheardshuffling.Thenapicturemessagecamethrough.Izoomedin.“Yourmainbreakerisflippedoff.”
Shewentsilentontheotherendforalongmoment.“Howdoesthathappen?”
“Itdoesn’t.Ifyouoverloadonecircuitabreakermightflip.Butthatwouldbeonepartofthehouse,notthewholething.”
“Soooo…”
“Sosomeoneprobablyswitcheditoff.Didyouhavesomeonethereworkingontheelectricalorsomething?”
Shewentquietagain.“Yeah.Itmusthavebeenthem.”
“Justflipitback.Thepowerwillcomebackon,”Isaid.
Iheardherfliptheswitch,andshemadeanexcitedlittlesoundofrelief.Ismiled.
“SodoIgettoseeyouthisweek?”Iasked.
Iheardacardoorslam.“Idon’tknow.”
Mysmilefell.Iwasabouttopushthesubject,butIheardtherestaurantdoorjingle.BrianandDougwerecomingin
“Theguysjustgothere.I’llletyougetyourcoffeeandcallyoulater.”
Wehunguprightastheyslidintothebooth.“Hey.”
Lizswungbyandsetmenusinfrontofus.“Hey,guys.Coffee?”
Theybothnodded,andBriansmiledather,atouchtoobrightly.
Thewayhelookedathermademelookawayfromhim,likeIwasintrudingonaprivatemoment.
BrianhadbeeninlovewithLizsincewewerekids.Shedidn’tliveheregrowingup.Sheonlycameforthesummers.Brianlookedforwardtohervisitsthewholeyear.He’dbeatmyhousesomuchinthesummerthatGrandmausedtojokehewasoneofherhonorarygrandkids
Thenonesummerwegotanewsheriff—andLizmetJake
IwatchedLizpourBrianacoffee.Shehadabraceonherlittlefinger.Myjawtightened.
Jakewasputtinghandsonher.Again
Heneverdiditinfrontofanyone.Whenevertheywereinpublic,healwaysputonsomefuckingshowsoeveryonethoughthewasthisdotinghusband.Suchbullshit.
IalmostknockedhimoutonceaftershecameintotheVFWwithasplitliponSt.Patrick’sDayafewyearsback.Hedeniedtouchingher,andIalmostgotmyselfarrested—andshewasmadatmeafterward.Didn’ttalktomeforweeks
SometimeswhenIsawthisshitonher,I’daskheranyway,eventhoughIknewshewouldn’ttellme.She’djustsaythiswasafalloraslammeddoororsomethingandshe’dsayitlookingmedeadintheeye.Ihatedit.
Hecheatedonhertoo,anotherthingnobodybotheredtomentionanymorebecausesheneverdidanythingaboutit,anditjustupsether.Heloveddippingintothetourists.Idon’tknowwhysheputupwithit.Shecoulddosomuchbetter.
Ilookedawayfromherhand.
“How’sthesaving-upthinggoing?”Brianasked.
“Good,”Isaid.“Ihaven’tgonedowntotheswapmeetyet,butIsoldafewpiecestoAlexis’sfriends.Thathelped.”
Thathelpedalot
Actually,I’dbeenthinkingaboutthat.Thoseladiesdidn’tevenblinkaneye.Theyjustboughtthem,onthespot.MaybeAlexiswasright,andIneededtocastawidernet.Getawebsiteup,anInstagrampage.Maybeputafewofthesmallerpiecesinsomeofthegiftshopswhentheyopenedforthesummer,seehowtheydid.
Alexismademewanttobebetter.
IfI’dneverhadtoruntheB&B,IthinkI’dbedoingmorewithmyselfbynow.MaybeI’dbepracticingmycarpentryfull-time.Inevergotthechancetoreallyexploreitbecausemygrandparentshaddied,andI’dhadtochangegearsbeforeIcouldfigureoutifIcouldmakeagoofit.
MaybenowIneverwould…
IfIboughtthehouse,I’dneedtokeeprunningitasaB&Btopaythemortgage.AndnotthewayI’dbeenrunningiteither.I’dhavetobeopenyear-roundtocoverthatkindofpayment.
I’dbeaninnkeeperfortherestofmylife.
Notthatbeinganinnkeeperwasn’tagoodbusiness.It’sjustnotwhatIwantedtodo.Idon’tthinkitwaswhatIwasmeanttodo.
Allofthisfeltalittlelikesellingmysoul.Likelettingthehousegowoulddestroyme,andsowouldkeepingit.
Dougputhiscoffeetohislips.“What’supwiththegirlfriend?”heaskedme.
“She’snotmygirlfriend,”Imumbled
Shewasn’tmygirlfriend,becauseshedidn’twanttobemygirlfriend.I’djumpatthechancetobeAlexis’sboyfriendinahotsecond.ButIknewitwasn’tgoingtohappen.
ShenevermademefeellikeIwasn’tgoodenoughforher,butshedidn’thaveto.Itwasobvious.I’dacceptedthiswitharesignedunderstandingofmypositionanddecidedthatIwasn’tgoingtodwellonit,especiallybecausetherewasnothingIcoulddotochangethesituation.Icouldn’tsnapmyfingersandbeadamnsurgeon.Icouldn’tbeanythingotherthanwhatIwas.
“Whyisn’tsheyourgirlfriend?”Dougasked.
“Idon’thaveanythingtoofferawomanlikethat.”
Dougsethismugdown.“Haveyoueverheardofpenguinlovestones?”
“What?”
“Apenguinlovestone.Whenamalelikesafemale,hefindsaperfectstoneandhebringsittoher.Ifshelikesit,sheputsitinhernestandthat’sit.They’repairedforlife.”
BrianwatchedLiztakinganorderatanothertablebuttalkedtous.“Andyourpoint?”
“Mypointis,thepenguin’snotpickinghermatebecausehe’stheonewhohasthebestrock.Itmightlookthatway,butshe’snot.She’stakingtherockbecausethemaleshewantsthemostisofferingit.Sometimeswhatyouhavetogiveisenough.Evenifit’sarockinsteadofadiamond.”
Iletoutalongbreath.Ifonlythatweretrue.
Weatebreakfast.Dougwasinagoodmood,whichwasnice.Hisdepressionalwaysgotbetterinthespring.Moresunlight,moretimeoutside,touristsstartingtocomeback.Hewasthinkingofputtinginawood-firedpizzaovenatthefarmtodopizzaandwinepairingsinthesummer,bringinmorebusinessinadditiontothepettingzooandbarnweddingshedid.
BrianlistenedtoustalkandwatchedLiz.Everytimesheclearedaplate,he’dlookatherbraceandhisjawwouldflex.ThisshitwithJakewashardonallofus,butforBrianIthinkitwasaspecialkindofhell.
Whenwewerefinishingup,myphonerang.Igrinned.Alexis.
“Igottatakethis,”Isaid,slidingoutofthebooth.
IpushedthroughthedoorandswipedtheAnswerbuttonwhenIgotoutside.“Hey.Yougetyourcoffee?”Ismiled.
“Icedcoffeetastessoooomuchbetterwhenyou’relateforwork,”Alexissaid,soundinglikeheroldselfagain.
Ilaughed.“GladIcouldhelp.”
“Ihavetogoinasecond,butIwantedyoutohearsomething.I’mgoingtoputyouonspeakerbutdon’ttalk,okay?”
“Okay…”
“Someone’ssingingoperaintheER,”shesaid.
Icouldhearthesqueakysoundofshoesonapolishedfloorlikeshewaswalkingmesomewhere.
“Opera?”
“We’vegotabachelorettepartyhere.Thebridehasalcoholpoisoningandherfriendsbroughtherin.Thewholegroupisdrunk.Oneofthemisasoprano,andshe’ssingingintheroom.It’samazing.Ready?”
“Ready.”
Sheputmeonspeaker,andIheardadooropen.Thevoiceofanangeldriftedthroughthephone.“AveMaria.”
Itwasbeautiful.Ethereal.Itbroughttearstomyeyes,standingonthissidewalk.Itfeltlikeagift,thisunexpectedbeautyinthemiddleofamundanemorning.
Alexistappedmeintoadifferentworld.Shewasthisincrediblewoman,workinginahospitaltwohoursaway,treatingapatientwhosefriendwassinginginLatin.Justinhernormalroutine,Alexiswaslivingalifeathousandtimesmoreinterestingandculturedthanmine—andshewantedtoincludemeinit.
ThisgesturemademegratefulinawayIcouldn’texplain.Shewasgivingmemoreofherself,evenifitwasjustapeekintoamomentofherday.
Whenitended,Alexiswhisperedintothephone,“Gottago.”Andshehungup.
Ismiled,wipingatmyeyes.Istoodthere,lookingatmyscreen,withagrinonmyface.
Iwantedmore.
Iwantedtoseeherworldwithmyowneyes,notjusttheseglimpsesbehindthecurtain.Iwantedtobeapartofit.
Butitwasbyinviteonly.AndIdoubtedshe’deveraskme.
Iwasgettingreadytoheadbackinwhenthephonerangagain.
ThistimeitwasAmber.Mygoodmooddisintegrated.IletthephoneringthreetimesbeforeIreluctantlypressedittomyear.“Yeah?”
“Hey.Um,soIdidn’tgetthedirectdepositthisweek?”
Iscrubbedahanddownmyface.“Ithasn’tevenbeensevendayssinceIreopenedthehouse.AndIhadtocompthestayformyguestslastweekend.”
“Uh,okay,why?”
“Justsomedumbstuff.Thetreesdroppedsomeacornsonthemand—”
“Okay,Daniel?Idon’tcare.”Hervoicewasedgy.“YousaidI’dbegettingmoneyeveryweek.”
Iblewoutacalmingbreath.“ThehouseisbookedupthroughSunday,”Isaidcarefully.“IcansendyouthemoneyonMonday.”
“Howmuch?”sheaskedquickly.
Idrewmybrowsdown.“Iseverythingokay?Youseem…tense.”
Actually,sheseemedwired.Sheseemedhigh
Amberbeinghighwasn’texactlyanewdevelopment.She’dbeendoingbetteroverthelastfewyearsthough.Butifshewasgettingbackintodrugs,Ididn’tlikethatshewasdoingitwhenthemoneyforthehousewasdanglinginfrontofherlikeablankcheck.
“I’mfine,”shesaid,alittletoocurtly.“Ijustneedthemoney.Ifyoucan’tgetmemoneyeveryweek,thedeal’soff.”
Inodded.“Okay.Lastweekendwasaone-off.Itwon’thappenagain.”
“Anddon’tbecompingpeople.What’swrongwithyou?”shesnapped.
Iletthisslide.Nopointingettingintoitwithher.Lastweekendaside,IwasverygoodatwhatIdidforaliving.Ididn’tneedheradviceorhercriticisms.Ididn’tneedanythingfrommymotherandIneverhad.
TherewasnolovelostbetweenmeandAmber.Ididn’twanttoseeanythinghappentoher—butIalsoknewtherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutitifitdid.
Amber’scrisescycled.Andshebitthehandthatfedher,everytime.IfIofferedtolethercomedryouthere,likeGrandmaalwaysdid,I’dlivetoregretit.I’dbemorelikelytofindmyselfcancelingmissingchecksandsearchingforfamilyheirloomsatpawnshopsinRochesterthanIwouldbesavingherfromherself.SoIhadtodomybesttosavethehouseinstead.
“I’llhavethecashintheaccountMonday,”Isaid.
“Fine.”
Shehunguponme.
Istoodoutsideforaminute,staringatthemuralonthesideofthepharmacy.Iwasn’tgettingsixmonths.I’dbeluckyifAmbergavemesixweeks.ThebestIcoulddowashopeforasmuchtimeaspossible.
Inaseason,onewayoranother,mylifewouldneverbethesame.Chapter22
Alexis
ThiswasthesecondmorninginarowthatIwokeuptoNeilruiningmyday.Yesterdayheturnedoffthepowerinthehouse,andtodayhewasinmykitchen.
Hewassittingatthetable,sippinganespresso,wearinghisgraypantsandwhitegolfpolo.
Iwantedtoscream.
“Goodmorning,”hesaid,smilingatme.“Imadethequicheyoulike.”Henoddedtothebar,whereasliceofmyfavoritespinachandbroccoliquichesatwithaglassoffresh-squeezedorangejuiceonatray.Therewasaramekinofmixedberriesontheplateandatinyvasewithasingleflowerinit.
Ilovedthatquiche.Hemadeitonspecialoccasionslikemybirthday.
Hewasdoingthething.
Thethinghealwaysdid.Hewastryingtomakeniceandactlikenothinghadhappened.Likehisbadbehaviorwasacutmoviescenethatnevertookplace.LikeIwasgoingtosuddenlyforgetthathe’dturnedthepowerofftothehouseyesterday,orthathewaslivinghereagainstmywillaftersubjectingmetoyearsofemotionalandmentalabuseandIwasjustgoingtositandhaveacasualandpleasantbreakfastwithhim.Infact,hewasprobablybankingonit.
OnlyIwasn’tthesamewomannow.
IusedtobesoworndownfromhismoodswingsandsodesperateforanybitofkindnessfromhimthatI’djustgivein.I’djustletitgo,lethimgetawaywithit.I’dthankhimfortheflowersoractexcitedabouttheexpensivevacationhe’dbookedinsteadofactuallysayinghewassorry.I’deatthequiche.
Fuckthequiche.
Iignoredhimandwenttothefridgetogetmyproteinshake.
Hewasgonealot.Hewasthechiefofsurgery,soheworkedeighty-hourweekspluson-callshifts.TherewereveryfewmorningsI’dhavetodealwiththis—butIwoulddealwithit.BecauseIwouldbedamnedifNeilgotmyhouse.
Heprobablythoughtthislittle“I’mlivinghere”stuntwasgoingtomakemefoldlikeIalwaysdidwhenhebulliedme.
ButIwasdonebeingbullied.Done.
I’dhadalongtalkwithmytherapistaboutthissituation.Neilwasn’taviolentperson—hewasjustajerk.Ihadabsolutelynofearformysafetywithhimbeinghere,andifIhad,I’dhavegivenupthehouse,nomatterhowbadlyIwantedit.MytherapisthadbeenmoreconcernedaboutwhetherIcouldhandlethementalandemotionaltollitwouldtaketoseeitthrough.
Andtheanswerwasyes.
Idon’tthinkIcouldhandlethetollitwouldtakeifIdidn’t.
Lettinghimgetawaywiththisfeltlikeallowingmyselftobevictimizedalloveragain.
HewantedmedisplacedandthehomethatIdeservedandearnedtobetakenfrommeassomesickpunishmentfordaringtonottakehimback.Iwouldnevergivehimthesatisfaction.
Somethinginmehadshiftedinthelastfewweeks.ItwaslikethemoredistanceIgotfromthisrelationship,thestrongerIbecame,andstandinguptohimwasgettingeasierandeasier.IwasperfectlywillingtoputupwithhispresenceandholdmygroundinexchangeforthechancetofinallyshowhimIcould.
Myattorneysaidwe’dhavetogotomediationforthehouse.Whenthatdidn’twork,becauseitwouldn’t,we’dendupinfrontofajudge.Thehousewouldhavetobeassessed,andIhadtopulltogetherfinancialrecords.Threetosixmonths.Ijustneededtodealwiththisforthreetosixmonthsandthenitwouldbeovereitherway.He’dgetthehouse,orIwould.Butatleastwhenitwasdone,Iwouldn’thavelethimwin,onceagain,withoutafight.
IcouldfeelNeilstareatmybackfromthebreakfastnook.Ineededtogetafridgeformyroom.
Iheardhimgettingup.“Ali…”
“Don’t,”Isnapped,shootinghimalook.
Hewasleaningonhispalmsonthetable.“Ifyourefusetospeaktome,thisisgoingtobeaverylongcoupleofmonths.”
“It’sgoingtobealongcoupleofmonthsanyway.Ifyoudon’tlikeit,move,”Isaid,givinghimhislinebackfromtheotherday.
Thedoorbellrang,andIuseditasmyexcusetowalkoutofthekitchen.
WhenIopenedthefrontdoor,itwasMomandDad.
Iblinkedatthem.“Ididn’tknowyouwerecomingover,”Isaidastheycamein.
Myparentswereintheirseventies,buttheyhadthestaminaoffifty-year-olds.They’dbothworkedlikemachinesrightuptotheirretirementinMarch.Dadonlyretiredbecausehiseyesweren’tasgoodastheyhadbeen,anditmadesurgerydifficult.Momhadarthritis.Otherwisetheyprobablywouldhaveworkeduntiltheydroppeddead.
Dadwasinabluepoloandwhitepants,hisgrayhairslickedbackhandsomely.Mom’soutfitmatchedlikethey’dcolorcoordinated,hergrayhairsweptintoawhitevisor.
Dadkissedmeonthecheek.“GolfingwithNeil.Isheready?”
“You’re…”Ishookmyhead.“Dad,NeilandIbrokeup,”Isaid,followingthemintothelivingroom.
MomtookthereclinerandDadsatonthesofa.“And?”
Icrossedmyarms.“Andit’snotappropriateforyoutogolfwithmyex.”
“Alexis,NeilandIwerefriendsandcolleagueslongbeforehedatedyou,”Dadsaid.
Ilickedmylips.“Dad.Hecheatedonme—”
Heputupahand.“I’mnotgoingtogetinvolvedinyourlovers’spat.Couplesfight.You’llworkitout—oryouwon’t.ButIwon’tgetinthemiddleofiteitherway.”
Iblinkedathim.“Well,itmightinterestyoutoknowthathe’slivinghereagainstmywishes.”
“It’shishouseasmuchasit’syours.Andfrankly,youshouldgiveittohim.You’retheonewhowantstoendtherelationship,andwiththeshiftsheworks,it’sbetterforhimtobeclosetothehospital.Unlessyou’replanningontakingonahigherworkload,Idon’tknowhowyoucanarguethatyou’remoreentitledtoit.”
Istoodstaringathiminshock.
Momgavemeoneofthosesilent“resistanceisfutile,letitgo”looks.Ipressedmylipsintoaline.
Dadshookhishead.“Ijustdon’tunderstandwhyyouwon’tconsidercounseling.Relationshipstakework,Alexis.Youdon’tleavethemomentthingsbecomedifficult.”
Momputherhandonhisknee.“Cecil,Ithinkweshouldletthemsortthingsoutontheirowntime,don’tyou?They’rebothsobusywithwork—”
“Whichremindsme,”Dadsaid,cuttingheroff,“I’vebeeninformedthatDr.Gibsonisretiringinafewmonths,whichmeansthatchiefofemergencymedicineisgoingtobeavailable.You’llrunforthis.We’vebothalreadymadeourrecommendationstotheboard.YourmotherandIhavetoleratedyourlackofambitionforlongenough.Ifallyouwantedwastobeaglorifiedparamedic,youshouldhavesavedusthreehundredthousanddollarsonmedschool.”
Ifeltmyheartratepickup.
Ilickedmylips.“JustbecauseI’mnotasurgeondoesn’tmeanwhatIdoisn’timportant,”Isaidcarefully.
Butitwaspointless.Becausetomydadthat’sexactlywhatitmeant.
Bothmyparentsweresurgeons.Dadhadwantedmetogointoneurosurgery.HewouldhavepreferredDerekhadfollowedoneoftheirspecialtiesinsteadofplastics,butmybrotherprovedearlyonthathisfieldcamewithenoughfametoplacateDad.ButIdidn’thavethat.
WhatIhadwasNeil
Neilhadleveledmeup.Daddidn’tlikemyfield,buthedroppedhisneurosurgerycampaignbecauseDerekwastheretocarrythetorchandIlandedthechiefofsurgery.Tohim,datingNeilwasanaccomplishmentinandofitself.ButonmyownIwasn’tenough.Especiallynow.
ItoccurredtomethatNeilwouldhavemadeamuchbetterMontgomerythanIeverdid.Infact,rightnow,IthinkDadsawhimasasonmorethanhesawmeasadaughter.
InthatmomentIwisheditwasthetruth—thatNeilwasDad’ssonandIwasjustNeil’sex-girlfriend,somerandom,unimportantwomanwhocouldbreakupwithhimandgoonwithherlife.Itwouldhavebeensoeasyfortheuniversetoarrangeitthatway.
Buttheuniversedoesn’tcare.
Neilbreezedin,andIfoughtdownthetearsthatwerewelling.Therewasnowayhehadn’theardusfromtheotherroom.
“Cecil!Jennifer!”Neilsaid,beaming.“Readytohittheholes?”Heswunganinvisibleclub.
IwatchedDadlightup.HepusheduponhiskneesandshookNeil’shand.Thenheturnedtome.“Alexis,weneedtodiscussyourspeechforthehospital’squasquicentennial.Meetusforlunchattheclubhouseattwelve-thirty.”
Igawkedathim.“Wha—no!I’mnothavinglunchwithhim!”
Dadpinnedmewithaglare.“Younglady—”
Neilputahandonhisshoulder.“Alihasafulldaytoday,C.We’llcatchupwithheranothertime,”hesaid.
IwatchedDadimmediatelygiveupthecrusade.IfNeilwasfinewithit,Dadwasfinewithit.
TheideaofNeilbailingmeoutofthissituationonlypissedmeoffmore.
Dadgavemeonemoredisapprovingglance.Thenhemadeforthedoor.
Momstoppedandhuggedme.“Youknowhowheis,”shewhispered.“Helovesyouverymuchandjustwantstoseeyouachievewhatheknowsyou’recapableof.Iloveyou,sweetie.”Shekissedmycheek,pattedmyback,andleft.
Neilwaitedbehind,andwhenmyparentsweretoofartohear,heleanedin,hisvoicelow.“He’sunderalotofstress,Ali.Yourbrothermarriedsometrashypopstarandmovedoutofthecountry.Andhe’stakingourseparationprettyhard.Goeasyonhim.”
Iblinkedathim.“Dadtoldyouabouther?HesignedanNDA.”
“Ofcoursehetoldme.”Hepaused,givingmealookIcouldn’tdecipher.“Canwetalklater?Please?”
Ipressedmylipsintoaline,mybreathshaky.
Hewaited,butIdidn’tanswer.Icouldn’t.BecauseifIhadtospeak,Iwasgoingtoscream.
“I’llseeyoutonight,”hesaid,obviouslytakingmysilenceforayes.
Andheleft.
Thesecondthedoorwasclosed,Ilostit.Rageandindignationandhysteriabubbledoutofme,andIbreathedintomyhands.
Ihatedthis.Ihatedeverything
IhatedthatDerekleftme.IhatedthatDadhadzerointegrity.IhatedthatIwassuchadisappointment,thatI’dneverwantedtobeasurgeon,thatIfoundtheideaofstandinginanoperatingroomforhoursonendboringandtedious.Iresentedtheentireculminationofmyexistenceandeverythingthathadledmehere.IhatedDr.CharlesMontgomery,theveryfirstinmyfamilylinetoworkatRoyaumeNorthwestern.IhatedeveryMontgomerywhoplayedintothelegacy,strengtheningitsothatIcouldn’tbreakit,becauseforallthegooditdid,allthelivesIknewitsaved,rightnowIwishedtoGoditdidn’texist.
ButmostlyIhatedNeil.Ifhehadn’tturnedintosuchahorriblehumanbeing,Imightbehappyrightnow.Imighthavemarriedhim,andhewouldhavetakenmynameandhecouldhavebeenTheOnesoIdidn’thaveto.Andtheneveryonewouldhavehadwhattheywanted.Becauserightnowtheonlywayeveryonecouldhavewhattheywantwasformetodecidetobemiserable.
Ifeltinstantlyclaustrophobic,likethewallsofthishousewereshrink-wrappingaroundme.Icouldn’tbreathe.
Aprimalurgetorunpulsedthroughmybody.Iboltedforthegaragedoor,andIknewexactlywhereIwasgoing.
IwantedtoseeDaniel.
IwantedhismuddydogtojumponmeandIwantedtoplaywithababygoatandIwantedtobeinaplacewithwarm,softfurnitureandletsomeoneeasyandgoodholdmeinatownthataskedmefornothing.
IputonthemudbootsthatI’dleftatthegaragedoorandIgotinmycarwithoutevengrabbingmyovernightbag.
IlistenedtoLola’sfourthalbumthewholewaythere,crankeduptodeafening.Shemusthavebeeninthesameheadspaceasmewhenshemadeitbecauseitwasvery“YouOughtaKnow”byAlanisMorissette—whichwasperfect,becauseitmatchedmyfury.
Ididn’tcallDanieltolethimknowIwascoming.
Forone,Iwasasnivelingmessformostofthedrive,andIdidn’twanttodumponhimthesecondhepickedupthephone.IneededtogathermyselfbeforeItalkedtohim—oranyone.
Buttwo?Iwantedtojustshowup.Iwantedtoseeifhewasalone,seehowherespondedtomepoppinginunannounced
Itwasirrationalandchildish.Ihadnoclaimonhimatall.Buthe’dsaidhewasn’tseeinganyoneelse,andIwantedtocatchhiminalie.IalmostwantedDanieltoletmedown.Ihadtoseeifhewaswhohesaidhewas,ifhewashonest.IfIgotthereandhehadsomeotherwomanathisplace,atleastI’dknowwhohewasnowinsteadoflaterlikeIhadwithNeil.
WhenIpulledintothedriveway,Danielwasinthegarden.Iwatchedhisheadpopupandthegrinspreadacrosshisface,andmymoodinstantlylifted.Igotoutofmycar,andHunterboundedoverwithChloerunningbehindhiminherpinkpajamas.Icaughtthedog,laughing.Heletouthissignaturerooooooo!whileDanielclosedthespacebetweenus.
“You’rehere.”Hesmiledoverhisdog.
“Iam.”
Hedidn’tskipabeat.Hegatheredmeintohimandleaneddownandkissedme,anditwaslikeapartofmybrainshutoff.Thepartthatwasstressedandworriedandangry.
Hepulledawayaninchandwhisperedagainstmylips.“Youshouldcallmebeforeyoucomethough.”
Allthepartsswitchedbackon.
Itookastepback,droppingmyhandsfromhischest.“Oh.Right.I’msorry.Ishouldn’tjustshowuplikethis.”
Hesmiled.“Ilovethatyoushoweduplikethis.Butatleastgivemeaheads-upsoIcanshower.”Hegesturedtohisdirtyclothes.“AndsoIcanhavefoodreadyforyou.”
Thereliefmusthaveshownonmyface,becausehisbrowsdrewdown.“WhydidyouthinkIwantedyoutocallfirst?”
Ididn’tanswer.
Realizationmovedacrosshisexpression.“Didyou…didyouthinkIwasgoingtohaveagirlhereorsomething?ItoldyouIwasn’ttalkingtoanyoneelse.”
Ihuggedmyarmsaroundmyself.“That’snoneofmybusiness—”
“I’mnotseeingotherpeople,”hesaid.
Thecornerofmyliptwitched.
Thenhisamusedexpressionfell.“Areyouseeingotherpeople?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.”
Hegrinned.“Good.”Heleanedintokissmeagain,andIpulledmyfaceback
“Ifyouwantedtoseeotherpeople,thatwouldbeokay.”
Hissmilefell.“WhywouldIwantthat?”
Ituckedmyhairbehindmyear.“Youknow,weneverreallytalkedaboutthis,Daniel.Maybeweshouldsetrules.”
Hestudiedmyexpression.“Okay.”
“Sowhatrulesdoyouwant?”Iasked.
“Youreallywanttoknow?”
“Yes.”
“Iwanttobeyourboyfriend.”
Itpunchedmerightintheheart,andmystomachdidasomersault.Butmybrainshotitdown.
Hewantstobemyboyfriend?Why?I’mtooold.Toooldforhimanyway.Ilivetoofaraway,ourlivesaretoodifferent.
Whatdidhewantwithme?
Itwasalmostna?velysweet.Likewhenakidsaystheywanttobeanastronautoraballerinawhentheygrowup.Andthenofcourseyougetolderandyouendupdoingsomethingelsethatactuallymakessense.
Maybehejustmeantthathedidn’twantussleepingwithotherpeople?Thathewantedtobeexclusive?ThatIcouldunderstand.
Irealized,almostinthatmoment,thatIreallydidn’twanthimtoseeotherpeopleeither.Eventhethoughtofhimhuggingsomeoneelselaunchedmeintoaninternalfitofjealousysosuddenitshockedme.
IfI’dshownuphereandhe’dbeenwithanotherwoman,itwouldhavedevastatedme.Ididn’tevenrealizeituntiljustnow.Lookingathisopenface,feelinghiswarmarmsaroundme,somethinginsideofmescreamedMINE.
Butitwasn’tfairtomakehimmine.BecauseIcouldneverbehis
Aboyfriendcamewithexpectations.He’dwanttomeetmyfamily,bewithmeforholidays,mybirthday,hisbirthday.He’dwanttocometomyhouse,knowmyfriends.AndIcouldn’tdoanyofthosethings.Ever.Itfeltunfairtolethimdecidenottodateanyoneelsewhenthiswouldnevergoanywhere.
“Daniel,Idon’twantaboyfriendrightnow,”Isaid.“Idon’thaveroominmylifeforthat.”
IthoughtIsawaflickerofdisappointmentcrosshisface,buthegavemeasmile.“That’sokay.Wedon’tneedtitles.Wecanjustagreethatwe’reexclusiveandnotdoinganythingelsebutthisrightnow.Idon’thavetimeformuchmoreanyway.”
Inodded.“Okay.”
Hesmiled.“Okay.”
IshouldhavebeenhappythatIwasgettingwhatIwanted—monogamywithoutanyofthestrings.ButIsomehowfeltdisappointedanyway.
Heleanedinandkissedme,andallmythoughtsonthisevaporated.
Hehadmyfaceinhisroughhands,andIcouldtastesomethingfruityonhistongue.Hewantedtoshower,butIwasgladhedidn’t.HesmelledlikeDaniel.Likeacombinationofthefreshearthhe’dbeendigginginandthecedarofhisworkshopandcleansweat.
Hestartedtopullaway,butthenseemedtodecidehewasn’tdone,andhekissedmeagain.
Ugh,thisboy.Iwantedtoclimbintohim,mergewithhisbody.
Danieltransportedme.Everythingaboutbeinghereandbeingwithhimwasabreakfromreality.Hewasclosingopentabsonalaptopinmybrainoneatatimeuntilhewastheonlythingonthescreen.IfeltNeil,mydad,andRoyaumeNorthwesternfadeintooblivionattheedgesofmymind,andthendisappearwithablip.
Itwasamazingthatsomeonesowrongformehadthisability.Despitetheincompatibilityofourlives,hehadthiseffectonme.Iwondereddistantlyifwe’dknowneachotherinaformerlifeandwe’dfoundeachotheragain.Ifthat’swhyhewassofamiliar…
OnlythistimeI’dbeenborntoosoonandintoadifferentlevelofacastesystemthathecouldn’tscale.Itmademealittlesad.
Thisrelationshipwouldneverexpand.Itwouldnevertakeadeepbreathandpullinthosearoundus.Itwouldn’tfillitslungswithmypeopleandmylife.
Itwouldjustbethis.Onlythis.
Anditwouldn’tlast.
Hebrokeawaysmiling.“I’mgoingtogogetcleanedup.Thenwe’llgogetsomethingtoeat.DoyouwanttogiveChloeherbottlewhileI’mintheshower?”
Inoddedagainsthismouth,breathless.
Whenhewasready,hedidn’tdriveustoJane’slikeIthoughthewould.Hedroveustothelittlefamily-ownedgrocerystore.
IrealizedonthedrivethatIwasactuallyokaywiththeideaofeatingatJane’swithDaniel,witheveryoneinthetowntheretosee.PartlybecauseitwasmyownfaultthatIdidn’tlethimmakeotherplans.ButtheotherpartwasthateventhoughIknewtechnicallyDanielwasjustaguyIwashavingsexwith,ithadevolvedintosomethingless
Withajingle,heopenedthedoorofthegrocerystoreforme.HewavedatBrian,whowascheckingsomeoneout,andthenheturnedtome.“Okay.Youdidn’tgivemeanytimetoplananythingforyourvisit,sowe’regoingtogetcreative.We’regoingtoplayagame.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“Agame?”
“Yup.Averyseriousgame.Therulesarebinding.”
“Binding,huh?”
“Binding.Rulenumberone.”Hepausedfordramaticeffect.“NevergetinvolvedinalandwarinAsia.”
“Daniel!”
Hewaslaughing.“I’mkidding!”Hetickedoffonhisfingers.“Nosubstitutions,nobackingout,andyouhavetotryeverythingweget.Thosearetherules.Doyouagreetotheterms?”
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Idon’tknow…IthinkIneedmoreinformation.”
Hecrossedhisarms.“Ican’ttellyoumoreaboutitunlessyouagree.”
Ismiled.Helookedsocutewithhisfakeseriousface.“Okay.Iagree.”
Herubbedhishandstogether.“Allright,thisishowitworks.Wetaketurnswanderingdowneachrowwithourarmsoutlikethis.”HemadeaT,withhisfingerspointingtoeithersideoftheaisle.“Thepersonwatchingsays‘stop’andtheonewiththeirarmsouthastograbwhateverthey’repointingto.Whateverweendupwithiswhat’sfordinner.”
Ilaughed.“Areyouserious?”
“Deadserious.Andyoucan’tcomplainaboutit.Itiswhatitis.Wegetthreefree-choiceitemsattheendtotrytopullthemealtogether.Wecanusestufffromhomeifweneedto,aslongaswe’reusingeverythingwegotfromthegame.”
Ismiled.“Okay.Let’sdoit.”
“Allright.Firstwestartwiththeentertainment.”
Hegrabbedacartandtookmetotheaisleatthebackofthestorewheretheyhadmagazinesandartsupplies.TherewasabinofDVDsfor$2.99.
“Areyouready?”heasked,standingnexttothebin.“I’llgofirst.”
“Ready.”
Heplungedhishandintothemoviesandstarteddiggingaround.IletitgoforaboutthirtysecondsuntilIcalledit.“Stop!”
Hepulledoutthemoviehehadhishandonandlookedatit.“EverAfter.DrewBarrymore.”
“Yeeeess!It’ssogood!”
Hedroppeditintothecartwithasmile.“Yourturn.”
Wewenttothesnackaisle,andIputmyarmsout.
Hewaitedforasecond.“Go!”
Istartedwalking.
“Stop!”hecalledwhenIwasinthemiddle.
Ilookedatmyoptionsoneitherside.“Honeymustardpretzels,”Iannounced,wrinklingmynoseasIgrabbedthebag.“Andpeanutbuttercrackers.Notbad.”
Wedidthemeataisleandendedupwithchickenthighs.Intheproducesectionwegotleeksandabagofredpotatoes.Inthedairyaislewegotheavywhippingcream.Fordessertweendedupwithred,white,andbluebombpopsfromthefreezercase.Danielgrabbedchickenstock,celery,andabaguetteasourthreefreeitems.
Itwassofun—andsimple.It’sexactlythekindofthingDanielwasgoodat.
HewassodifferentfromNeil.Itwasrefreshing.Neilalwayswentalloutforourdates.Butitwasmoreforhim,notme.Front-rowtickets,exclusiverestaurants—whateverlookedbestforhissocialmediaposts.AfterawhileIgotdesensitizedtoit.Italllostitsluster.Especiallybecausehespentmostofthedateslookingathisphoneortalkingabouthimself.
God.HowhadInotseenit?
ButthenIknewhowIdidn’tseeit.BecauseI’dbeenraisedbyamanwhovaluedprestigemorethanhevaluedthingslikeintegrityandhonesty.Thiswasnormaltome.
Mybrotherwassuchabetterpersonthantheexamplehe’dbeenshown.Derekbrokeoutofthecagewe’dcomeupin.IwonderedifLolahaddoneit,ifshe’dbeentheonetoshowhimadifferentway.
Imean,he’dtakenthatvolunteerworkinpartbecauseitwouldlookniceonhisrésumé.Butintheend,he’dstayedbecauseheknewhecoulddogood.
Thiswascounterintuitivetoeverythingwe’dbeentaught.Thisworkwouldn’tmakeDerekrichoradvancehiscareer.Itwouldn’thelpRoyaumeorimpressourfather.Infact,itwoulddotheopposite.
Ihadawellingsenseofdelayedprideoverhim.Idon’tthinkI’dtrulyprocessedwhatitmeantthathestayedtodowhathewasdoing.I’dbeensoblindsidedbyhowitwouldaffectmylifethatIhadn’tconsideredtheshiftthathadtakenplaceinsideofmybrother.
AndthenIknewsomethingelsetoo.Iknewwhyhehadn’tbroughtLolabackwithhim.Hedidn’tbringhiswifehomebecausetherewouldbenopoint.
Dadwouldneveraccepther.Never.Justlikehewouldn’tacceptsomeonelikeDaniel.SoDerekdidn’tevenbother.He’dprotectedhiswifefromtherejectionandgaveuphislifeinstead.
Itwassuchabeautifulandselflessthing—evenifindoingit,he’dcondemnedme
ButIdidn’tfaulthimforit.Iwashappythatoneofusgotout.He’dgivenuphisseatonthethronetomarryacommoner.Atleastthat’showmydadobviouslysawit.Gaveupallhisriches
Butallthatglittersisnotgold…
Wecheckedoutandwentbacktothegaragewithourhaul.
Islidontoastoolbythekitchenette,andHunterploppednexttome.“Sowhatareyougoingtomakeme?”
“Wearegoingtomakeit,”Danielsaid,unbagginggroceries.
“We?Ican’tcook.”
“Well,I’mgoingtoshowyou,”hesaid,placingthingsonthecounter.“Doingittogetherispartoftheactivity.”
Ilookedathimdubiously.
Hesmiled.“Comehere.”
Igotoffthestooltostandnexttohimbythecounter.
“We’remakingsoup,”hesaid.
“Soup?”Inoddedatthepile.“Outofthisstuff?”
“Soupiseasy.Youcanmakesoupoutofanything.”
Hewenttothetinycabinetheusedasapantryandpulledoutflourandanonion.Hegotsomegarlicandastickofbutterfromthefridgeandlinedeverythinguponthecounter.
Adragonflywasinthegarage.Itlandedontherimofapotonthetinystove.Thosethingswereeverywherehere.
IwatchedDanielpulloutacuttingboardandaknife.“YoupeelthepotatoesandI’llchoptheonion,”hesaid.
ButIdidn’tmove,becauseIdidn’tknowhowtostart.
Henoticedmebalking.“What?”
Ilickedmylips.“Idon’tknowhowtopeelpotatoes,”Isaid.“I’veneverdoneitbefore.”
Heblinkedatme.“You’veneverpeeledapotato?”
“No.Wehadachef…Ididn’thaveto.”
NeillovedtopointitoutwhenIdidn’tknowhowtodosomethingthatmostpeopleconsideredbasic.Butthoseweren’tthekindofskillsIwasraisedtobelievewereimportant.Myparentspreparedmeforaveryspecifickindoflife.Iwastrilingual.IhadanMDfromStanfordandaPhDfromBerkeley.ButIneverlearnedhowtodolaundry.Ididn’tcleanmyownhome.BeforeDanielshowedme,Ididn’tevenknowhow.
IrealizedthatthiswasoneofthethingsNeilusedtomaintaincontroloverme.Onlyhecouldtakecareofthehouse.HowwouldIsurvivewithouthim?Icouldn’tevencook.
IcouldorderfoodfromGrubhubormakeamicrowavedinnerifIneededone.Icouldmakeasandwichorasalad.ButitwaslikeNeilwantedmetohavetheillusionthatIneededhim,thatIcouldn’tbealone.Ihadtobetakencareof.Icouldn’tmanageahouse.I’dnevereatthatquicheagainunlesshemadeitforme.
IpeeredupatDanielwaitingforhimtoshamemeformylackofkitchenskills,likeNeilalwaysdid.Buthejustshrugged.“Okay,letmeshowyou.”
Ifeltmyfacesoften.
“Howdidyoulearntocook?”Iasked.
Hesmiled.“Youhavetoknowhowtocookhere.Wecan’talwaysaffordtogoouttoeat.Okay,”hesaid,standingshouldertoshoulderwithmeafterIwashedmyhands.“You’regoingtopeelthepotatoes,likethis.Whenyou’redonepeeling,youcubethem.Likethis.”Hetooktheknifeandshowedme.“We’recubingthemsotheycookfaster.Sincewe’remakingsoupwe’retakingtheskinsoff,butIliketoleavethemonformashedpotatoes…”
Aswewent,heexplainedeverythingthisway.Notjusthowtodoit,butwhy.Ilikedthis.ItwasthesamewayItrainedmyresidents.
Hewassopatient—andstandingasclosetomeaspossible.Itwasreallyobviousandvery,verydistracting.
Hisfreshscentteasedmynose,andIfoundmyselfleaningintoitwhileIwassupposedtobeworking.
Hemusthavenoticed,becauseheturnedtolookdownatmeandourfacesweresuddenlyveryclosetogether—andthensomethinghappenedinsideofmethathadn’thappenedinaverylongtime.
Igotbutterflies
“What?”heasked,smiling.
Iswallowedhardandjustblinkedathim.
Henudgedme.“What?”
Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow.Ijustfindyoudistractingisall.”Ilookedbackatmycuttingboard,feelingalittleshaken.Likesomethingbighadjusthappenedthatwascompletelyoutofmycontrol.
Ididn’tgetbutterflies.Iwastoooldforbutterflies.Shouldn’tIbecompletelybeyondtheageofcrushesandpuppy-dogloveatthispoint?
Ifelthimsmile,eventhoughIwasn’tlookingathim.“Areyougoingtobeabletofocusonthistaskathand,Doctor?”heteased,nuzzlinghisnoseintomyhair.“BecauseI’mgoingtoneedyourundividedattention,anditseemslikeyou’realittlepreoccupied,”hewhispered.
Butterfliesagain.
Oh,myGod,no.Iwasn’tgoingtobeabletofocus.
Iangledmyheadupandlethimgivemeakiss,feelingalittleinsecureaboutthisnewdevelopment.
Hewassocharming.Andhandsome.Devastatinglyhandsome.Hewasthekindofmanwhotookmybreathaway—anditwasbecausehewasgood.Kindandthoughtfulandpatient.Generous.Andsoeasy.Nothingcomplexabouthimatall.
NeilwaslikeaRussiannestingdollwhosegoodqualitiesgotsmallerthemoreyouuncoveredhim.ButDanielwastheopposite.ThemoreIknew,thebetterhebecame.
IlikedthathetookcareofPopeye.AndIunderstoodwhythetownhaddeclaredhimtheirmayor—notbecausehewasaGrant,butbecauseIhadafeelingtheGrantswereacertaintypeofpeople.Diplomaticandwellliked.AndIknewthisnotbecausehetoldme,butbecauseofthewayotherpeopletreatedhim.
LizspokehighlyofhimthedayImethim.Brianspenttwohoursofhisnightsittinginaprojectionroomatacloseddrive-injustsoDanielcouldtakemetoamovie.DoreencalledhimbecausesheknewhewouldgocheckonPops.ThenhedrovePopstothedoctorallthewayinRochesterafterhisfall,andinstalledthatbarinhisshower.
IfyoulookedatthewaythepeoplearoundNeiltreatedhim,youmightcometothesameconclusions,thathewaswellliked.Neilhadaprominentseatateveryone’stable.Butthedifferencewas,nobodyreliedonNeilliketheydidwithDaniel.AnyrelationshipthatNeilhadwasbasedonashallowconnectionofstatussignaling.Nobodyeverneededanythingfromhimotherthanthegraceofhispresenceandhisfakebravado.
IfNeilwasatyourparty,itmeantyouwereimportant.Youweresomeonehewantedtobeseenrubbingshoulderswith.Butifyoueverhadtorelyonhim,he’dletyoudown.
IfDanielwasatyourparty,itmeantyouwereagoodperson.Itmeantyouweresomeonewhohadearnedhisaffection.AndIwasstartingtorealizethathisaffectionequaledalevelofdevotionthatIdon’tthinkI’deverknownoutsideofmaybeBriandDerek.Anditseemedtoencompassawholetown.Likethiscloakofloyaltywasbigenoughforeveryone.
AndthenIrealized,almostwithawe,thatImusthavesomehowearnedhisaffectiontoo.Hemustlikeme,andnotjustinasexway,orwhyelsewouldhespendsomuchtimeonthephonetalkingtomeandwantmetobehisgirlfriend?
Huh.
IstartedchewingonthesideofmylipasIpeeledmypotatoes.
Irememberfeelingsoimportantwhenthechiefofsurgerytookalikingtome.IthinkIwassodazzledbythatandNeil’sfalsecharmthatIdidn’tseetheredflagswavinginmyface.Ibrusheditoffwhenhewasrudetoourserversorhisnursesdidn’tlikehim.
WithDanielitwastheopposite.IwassodeadsetonbeingcertainIcouldn’tbeimpressedwithhim,thatitwasalmoststartlingtodiscoverthatIwas
Hisphoneranginhispocket,andhesethisknifedowntoanswerit.
“Seriously?”Igavehimanarchedeyebrow.“Yourringerison?Youcallpeopleandyourringerisup?”Iteased.
Helaughed.“HowelsewillIknowifsomeone’scallingme?Isn’tthatwhataringer’sfor?”
Hepulledhisphoneout.“It’sLiz.”Heanswered.“Hey,what’s—”Hestoodtherelistening.Hisbrowsdrewdown.“She’shere.Okay.Okay,holdon.”Heputthecallonspeaker.
“Alexis?”Lizsaid.
IlookedatDaniel,confused.“Hi,Liz—”
“Okay,soHannah’shavingherbabyandtheywantedtotakehertotheMayoClinic,butitstartedtogoreallyfastandtheycouldn’tgetherinthecarand—”
Screamingandthenshatteringglass.
“Canyouguyscome?”sheasked,soundingpanicked.
InoddedatDaniel,andwestartedrunningforthedoor.
Lizwaspanting.“We’reonavideocallwithalabornursefromthehospital.Doug’sheretryingtohelp,butHannahwon’tlethimtouchherandtheambulancewon’tbehereforfortymoreminutesandIdon’tthinkshe’sgotfortyminutes.”
“Isshecrowning?”Iasked.“Canyouseethehead?”WewerealreadyjumpingintoDaniel’struck.
“I…Idon’tknow.There’salotoffluid.Bloodandstuff.Ithinkherwaterbroke.”
“Okay,we’reonourway.Listen,Ineedyoutoboilsomewaterandgetmeallthecleantowelsyoucanfind.Ineeddisposablegloves,scissors,andsnackbagclamps.Theonesthatcloseyourchipbag?Getacupandfillitwithrubbingalcoholanddroptheclampsinthereandhaveitwaitingforme.”
“Okay.Okay,yeah.”
“I’mgoingtostayonthephonewithyouuntilwegetthere,”Isaidcalmly.“Don’tpanic.”
Danielwasalreadyonthestreetheadednorth.“Threeminutes,”hesaid.
Whenwepulledupinfrontofthehouse,itlookedlikehalfthetownwasthereonthelawn.Icouldhearscreamingandshoutingfrominside.
Weranthroughthelivingroomandintothebedroomtochaos.
Therewerehalfadozenpeopleintheroom.Lizwasstandingbythenightstandholdingaphonetoherearandanotheroneonvideocall.Dougwasbythedoor,andaverypregnantHannahwassittingupinthebed,sweatyandflushed.
Douglookedexasperated.“Hannah,justletmelook!”
Sheshothimaglare.“Doug,Iwillholdthisbabyinuntilliterallyanyonewhoisnotyoushowsuptodeliverit.Youarenotseeingmyvaginatoday.Thatisnothowthisends!”
“I’mamedic,Hannah!”
“Youdon’tdeliverbabiesinthearmy!”
“I’vedeliveredgoats!”
“GETTHEFUCKOUT!”Shegrabbedanalarmclockandhurleditacrosstheroom.Dougpivotedjustintime,andithitthewallnexttohimwithacrash,rainingshrapnelintoanalreadymountingpileofbrokenobjects.
Hannahclutchedtheblanketsandscreamedinpain.
Lizsawme.“Thedoctor’shere!”
Douglookedoveratme,relieved.“ThankfuckingGod.”Hesmackedaboxofdisposableglovesintomyhands.Heglancedbacktothepatient.“Seeingyourhoo-haisnotmyideaofagoodtimeeither,Hannah!”Heturnedbacktome.“I’mouttahere.Callmeifyouneedhelp,”hemumbled,edgingpastme.
Iwashedmyhandsandforearmsintheadjacentbathroomandthenmademywaytothebed,puttingongloves.“Hannah,I’mDr.Alexis.Doyouknowhowfarapartyourcontractionsare?”
Sheshookherhead,hereyessqueezedshut.
IturnedtoDaniel.“I’mgoingtoneedeveryonewhoisn’toneoftheparentstoleavetheroom.”
Aworried-lookingyoungwomansittingattheedgeofthebedraisedherhand.“I’mHannah’swife.”
“What’syourname?”Iasked.
“Emelia.”
“Emelia,youstay.Liz,didyougetmethosethingsIaskedfor?”
Shenoddedandpointedtothetowels.“Thewaterisboiling.Dougalreadystarteditbeforeyouasked.”
“Okay,Ineedyoutoboilthescissorsformeforfiveminutes.Bringthemtomeassoonasthey’redone.Becareful,they’llbehot.Putthemonacleanplatetocool.”
Shenoddedquickly,handedthephoneonthevideocalltoEmelia,andlefttheroom.WhenIheardthedoorclick,Iliftedthesheet.“I’mgoingtocheckyourcervix,okay?”
Hannahopenedoneeyeandnoddedthroughacontractionwithtightlips.IwaiteduntilitpassedbeforeIstartedmyexamination.
“Anycomplicationswiththepregnancy?”Iasked.
Emeliashookherhead.“No.”
“Gestationaldiabetes?Highbloodpressure?”
“No.She’shealthy.Thebabyishealthy,”Emeliasaid,hereyeswide.
Hannahwastencentimetersandfullyeffaced.
“Allright,Hannah?We’renotgoingtohavetimefortheambulance,”Isaid.“We’regoingtopushonthenextcontraction.”
ButHannahshookherhead.“No.Nononono,thisisn’thowit’ssupposedtogo.Ihaveabirthplan.Ihavea…I’msupposedtohaveanepidural!”
“Iknow,”Isaidcalmly.“Butwhat’simportantrightnowisgettingthebabyoutsafely.Andsincewedon’thaveanywaytomonitorthebaby,wecan’twait.Thebabycouldbeindistress,andweneedtogetthemoutherewithussoIcancheckonthem,okay?”
Shelookedterrified,butshenodded.
“WherewouldyoulikeEmelia,Hannah?Holdingyourhand?Orwatchingthebirth?”
Hannahwascrying.“Iwanthertowatch.”
Inodded.“Okay.Emelia,youcancomestandherewithme.”
Emeliacamearound,stillholdingthephoneonthevideocallwiththetriagenurse.
“Doyoutwoknowwhatyou’rehaving?”Iaskedconversationally.
Hannahshookherhead.
Ibegantuckingtowelsunderher.“Whatnameshaveyoupickedout?”
Emelia’svoiceshook.“Um,Kalebifit’saboy,andLilyifit’sagirl.”
“Goodnames.”Ismiled.“YoureadytomeetKaleborLily?”
Hannahnodded.
Isawherbodytensewithanothercontraction.“Okay,ready?Herewego.Bigbreathinandholdit,andwe’repushingfortenseconds.One,two,three—goodjob—four,five,makinggoodprogress…seven,eight,nine.Gooood.”
Hannahgaspedwiththepain.
“Iknowithurts,”Isaid.“Butjustthink,nowyou’llknowwhatitfeelslikeforamanwithacold.”Jessica’sfavoritedeliveryline.
Theylaughed,andthetensionliftedalittle.
Shepushedwiththreemorecontractionsbeforethebaby’sheadcameout.
Thecordwaswrappedarounditsneck.
“Hannah,Ineedyoutotrynottopushandjustpantforafewbreaths,”Isaidsteadily.
Myfingersworkedtounloopit,butitwasdoublewoundandwrappedtootight.Icouldn’treduceit.
Thedoublelooparoundtheneckhadshortenedthecord.Icouldn’tseewhatwasgoingoninsideorhowmuchslackwehad,butifitwasshortenough,whenthebabycameoutthecordwouldpulltightlikeanoosecuttingofftheoxygensupplytothebaby.Imightnotbeabletogetitoffintimeorclampandcutitsafelybeforedelivery,especiallywithoutmymedicalinstruments.
Ineededtouseasomersaultmaneuvertodeliverthebaby.Iwouldhavetopushthebaby’sheadtowardHannah’sthighinsteadofpullingthebabystraightdown.Itwouldlettheshouldersandtherestofthebodybeborninasomersaultandkeepthenecknearthebirthcanalsothatthecordwouldn’tbestretchedandfurthertightened.
Allofthismovedthroughmybraininasplitsecondofcalm.Yearsofexperienceandtrainingandinstincttookover.Ihadnomonitorsornurses.Ididn’tevenhaveheelrests.ButIknewwhattodo.
ImadeconfidenteyecontactwithHannah.“We’repushingonelasttimeandwe’regoingtomakeitagoodone.”
Istartedmycountdown.Myfingersangledthebaby’sshouldersexpertly,andtheninarushoffluidandblood,Ipivotedthebabyintoaperfectsomersaultdelivery.
Itwasagirl.Andmyinstinctshadbeenright.Thecordhadjustenoughslackforthesomersault.NotenoughifI’dlethercomestraightout—andifIhadn’tbeenhere,that’showshewouldhavecome.EspeciallyifHannahwouldn’tletDoughelpher.
Thecordwouldhavepulledtaut,andtheymightnothavegottenitoffintime.Thebabycouldhavehadbraindamage.Cerebralpalsy,epilepsy,intellectualordevelopmentaldisabilities.Shemighthavedied.
Butshedidn’tbecauseIwashere.
ThisiswhyIdidwhatIdid.
InmomentslikethisIknewIwasdoingwhatIwasmeanttodo.MomentslikethismademeknowthatnomatterwhatDadsaid,therewashonorinmyspecialty—eveniftherewasn’tglory.
IquicklyunwrappedthecordfromtheneckandplacedthebabyonHannah’sbellyandstartedrubbingthebaby’sback.Shecried.Agood,strongcry.
Ismiled.“MeetLily.”
Theambulanceshowedupfifteenminuteslater.Igotthemedicsuptospeedandhandedoffthepatient.WhenIcameoutoftheroom,thewholetownwasnolongeronthelawn—theywereinthelivingroom.Danielstoodwhenhesawme,andeveryonelookedatmeexpectantly.
Ismiledandputmyhandsup.“It’sagirl.”
Thewholehouseeruptedintocheering.IgothugsfromaboutthreedozenpeoplebeforeDanielsavedme.
Hehustledmeintoacornerandslippedhisarmsaroundmywaist,beamingdownatme.“Soyoudon’tknowhowtopeelpotatoes,butyoucandeliverababy?”
“What,likeit’shard?”
Helaughedandkissedme.AndIdidn’tcarethathediditinfrontofeveryoneeither.
HannahcameoutonastretcherwithabeamingEmelianexttoher,andassoonastheyweregone,theweirdestthinghappened.Thehouseguestsdidn’tleave.Theymobilized.Theypouredintothebedroomandstartedstrippingthebed,therewassomeoneemptyingthedishwasher,someoneturnedonavacuum.ThesmellofWindexandPine-Soldrifteduparoundus.Thefrontdoorwasstillopen,andIcouldseehalfadozenpeopleoutsidepullingweedsandmowingthelawn.Personafterpersonstreamedinwithfoil-coveredcasseroledishes,andsomeonewasstationedinthekitchen,receivingthemandputtingthemintothefreezer.
“Whataretheydoing?”Iasked,lookingaroundattheactivity.
“They’redoingwhatwedo,”Danielsaid.“Wetakecareofeachother.”
Somethingaboutitmademefeelalittleemotional.Thiswasmorethanjustahandfuloftheirclosestfriends.Thiswasawholetown.Thewholetownwashere.
Thiswasn’tjustacommunity.Thiswasafamily.
Popeyeshuffleduptous,holdingatoolbox.Evenhewashelping.
“Hi.Howyoufeeling?”Iasked.
Helookedatmewithoneeyesqueezedshut.“Niftycoincidenceyou’rehere,wouldn’tyasay?”
Hedidn’twaitformetoanswer.HegaveDanielaknowingnodandthenhobbledofftowardthegarage,mumblingtohimself.
“Whatwasthatabout?”Iasked,lookingupatDaniel.
“Eh,he’sgotthistheoryaboutthetown.”
“Whattheory?”
Helookedalittleamused.“Hesaysthetownhasawayofprotectingitself.Thatitgetswhatitneeds.HethinksyouwereheretodaybecauseHannahneededyou.”
Iwrinkledmyforeheadthinkingaboutit.“Huh.Iwasn’tactuallyplanningonbeingheretoday.”
“Oh,yeah?Whatchangedyourmind?”
Myparentswereplayinggolfwithmyex?
“Theweatherwasnice,”Isaidinstead.Itiltedmyhead.“Hey,doyouknowhowtomakeaquiche?”
Hepeereddownatme.“Quiche?Yeah.”
“Willyoushowme?”
Heshrugged.“Sure.Wecanmakeonetonightandhaveitforbreakfast.”
Ismiled.“IthinkI’mgoingtowantyoutoshowmealotofthings,Daniel.There’salotIneedtolearn.”Chapter23
Daniel
Wewerelyinginmybed,themorningafterHannah’sbabycame.Itwaselevena.m.Ihadguestscoming,butnotuntillatertoday.Check-inwasn’tuntilthreeo’clock,soIgottohangoutwithAlexisinmyunderwearuntilsheleft.
Wewerenapping—we’dbeenupallnight.
Isnuggledintoher,nuzzlingmynoseintoherneck.Shemadeahappygroaningnoiseandrolledover,andthesecondIhadherlipsinreach,Ikissedher.
Wewereexclusive.
Icouldn’tstopsmiling.
Iknewbeingexclusivewasn’teverything.Itwasn’tatitle.Itwasn’tboyfriend,girlfriend.ButitmeantIwasn’tcompetingwithanyoneelse,notforherattentionorhertime.Maybeitmeantshe’dcomedownmore—maybeshe’devenaskmetovisither.
ButmostofallIwasgladtherewasnobodyelse,becausetheideaofitmademefeelfuckingunhinged.Ididn’trealizehowmuchofareliefitwasuntilitwasoffthetable.Idon’tthinkIallowedmyselftothinktoomuchonthefactthatshemaybeseeingotherpeoplebecauseIdidn’tfeellikeIwasinanypositiontoaskhernotto.
Ihadthesevisionsofwhatkindofguysprobablyhitonheroverthere.Older,successful—rich.Drivingexpensivecars,takinghertoplacesIcouldneveraffordinamillionyears.ItfeltimpossiblethatI’dmanagedtogethertoagreetothis.ButIwasn’tgonnalookagifthorseinthemouth.Iwasgoingtotakeit,saythankyou,andrun
Iheardahuffingnoise,andwebothlookedover.Hunterhadputhischinonthebedtolookatus,histailwagging.Hislipwascurleduparoundasinglesnaggletooth,andhisbushyeyebrowspivotedashelookedbackandforthbetweenus.Thisdoglovedher.
Alexislaughed,smilingupatme.“Didyouknowthatdogsdevelopedeyebrowmusclestobettermanipulateus?”
Iproppedmyselfonmyelbow.“Really?”
“Yup.Wolvesdon’thavethem.Dogsthathadmoreexpressivefacesweremorelikelytoconnectwiththeirowners.Sotheyevolved.”Shenoddedsideways.“Tothis.”
Hunterbackedupandletoutalongroooooooo!
Ilaughedandslidahanddownthebackofherthightowrapherlegaroundmywaist.Shetookitonestepfurtherandrolledontopofme,straddlingme.TheshirtI’dloanedherwaspusheduparoundherhips.Sheputherhandsonmybarechestandloweredtokissme,herhairfallingaroundmyfaceinacurtain.
TherewereamillionotherthingsIshouldhavebeendoing.Workingontheunfinishedpiecesinthegarage,gettingthehousereadyforguests,repairingtheloosestepbythefour-seasonporch—Ididn’tgiveashitaboutanyofit.I’dworkharderandfastertomakeupforthelosttime,I’dtakethehit,becausethiswasworthit.Itwasmorethanworthit.
Iwassoproudforeveryoneintowntoseemewithheryesterday.IwasproudofwhatshedidwithLily—Iwasproudtoevenknowher.
Idon’tthinksherealizeshowexceptionalsheis.Igotthesensenobodytellsher,whichisweird.
Sherolledherhipsagainstthehard-onshewascausing.Ourbreathpickedupandourkissdeepened.Inonefluidmovement,Irolledherontoherbackandslippedahandintothetopofherlaceunderwear.Shewaswet,andthethoughtthatshewaswetformemademydickevenharderthanitalreadywas.
Damn,sheturnedmeon.
Icircledtwofingersaroundtheknotofnervesbetweenherlegs,andherbreathshudderedatthecaress.
Shebitherlip.“Howdoyoudothat?”shebreathed.
“Dowhat?”Iasked,myvoicehusky.
“Knowhowtotouchme.”
“Ipayattentiontoyou,”Isaid,kissinghercollarbonegently.“Howyoufeelmatterstome.”
Somethingchangedinthesetofherbody.Ibroughtmyfaceuptoseewhatitwas.TherewassomethinginherexpressionIcouldn’tread—andmaybeshedidn’twantmetoreadit,becauseshepulledmedownontopofherandkissedme.
IwasgladIwasgoingtohavetheshirtshewaswearingaftershewenthome.Somethingthathadherperfumeonit,smelledlikeher.
Whensheleft,theonlyproofIeverhadthatshe’dbeenhere,orthatsheevenexistedatall,wastheacheIwasstartingtofeelwhenshewasgone.Chapter24
Alexis
ItwasearlyMay,afewdaysafterI’ddeliveredababyinWakan,andMomandIwerecelebratingMother’sDay.
ShewasoncallsomuchwhenIwasgrowingupthatcelebratingontheactualdaywasalmostneverpossible,sowe’dstartedthetraditionofdoingitbeforetheholiday.TodaywewenttotheMadHatterTeaHouseinAnoka.ItwasahistorichomeontheRumRiverthatremindedmealotoftheGrantHouse,actually.Itwasbuiltbyadoctorin1857.GoingtherewasoneofmyfavoritethingstodowithMom.
ShewasbetterwhenDadwasn’taround.More…her
Shehadonawhitelacedresswithabrimmedhatthathadwhitefeathersonit.Sheworemygrandmother’spearlsandelbow-lengthsatingloves.Hermakeupwasdelicateandnatural.Shelookedlikeshebelongedtoadifferenttime.
Momwaselegant,alwaysperfectlyputtogether.Shemadeitseemeffortless,thoughIknowitwasn’t.
MomhadbeenpersonallyresponsibleforthecontinuedsuccessofRoyaumeoverthelastfortyyears.SheandDadwereapowercouple.Hemadethemedicaljournalsandposedonthecoversofmagazines,andMombroughtinthemoneyandthetalent.Shecharmeddonorsanddoctorsalike,bringingingiftedphysiciansfromallovertheworld.
AndtheseweretheshoesIhadtofill.
Icouldn’tbeDad.AndIcouldn’timagineeverbeingMomeither.Ididn’tknowhow.
IwasstrugglingwithwhatIwasgoingtodoinmynewrole.
Derek’spathhadbeenobvious.Hewasalittleofeverything.Onepartbothmyparents.Charmingandcharismatic,drivenandsuccessful.HewouldhaveprobablyendedupwitharealityTVshowonTLCorsomething.Thenhewouldhaveusedhisfametoattractdonorsandcontinuetoelevatethehospital.
Ihadnoideawhatmythingwasgoingtobe.Ihatednetworking.Myfielddidn’treallyallowfornotoriety.Icouldn’tstandtheideaofbeingontelevision.
I’dhavethehospital’sresourcesatmyfingertips.Icouldstartaclinicaltrialorgetbehindsomeotherinitiative.TheboardwouldapproveanythingIwanted.Butwhat?WhatwasIpassionateabout?Ididn’treallyknow.
Anditterrifiedme.
IwasafraidIwasgoingtodropthisballsocompletelyitwouldshatter,andI’dneverbeabletoputitbacktogetheragain.
Theserversetdownateapotwiththehouseorangebergamotinit.Afewminuteslaterourthree-leveltrayarrivedwithtinysandwichesandpetitfours.
Iputasugarcubeintomyfloralteacup.“So,howareyouenjoyingretirement?”IaskedMom.
Shesighed.“I’mnot.Imissworking.I’msohappyIgettohelpyouprepareforthegala,justtohavesomethingtodo.”
MomwasgoingtostarttrainingmeforthespeechIhadtogiveattheevent.Publicspeakingwasn’tmythingeither,butI’dhavetodoitnonetheless.
Sheputjamonascone.“Sotellme,whathaveyoubeenupto?”
Istirredmytea.“Nothing.”
IhatedthatIcouldn’ttellheraboutDaniel.Ihatedit.
WhileMomandIhadwaitedforourtable,we’dwanderedupstairstothegiftshop,andI’dboughtawholebagofthingsforhim.Sconemixesandhomemadelemoncurdandsixdifferentkindsofloosetea.Momaskedmewhoitwasfor,andIhadtolieandsayitwasforBri
MomwassquarelyTeamNeil.Andevenifshewasn’t,she’dtellDadanythingIsharedwithher,andthenI’dhearitfromhim.Notthattherewasanythingtotell.Danielwasn’tgoingtobeanythingserious.ButIdidn’tlikethattherewereentirepartsofmylifeIfeltIcouldn’ttalktoherabout.
Butwasn’tthattrueevenwhenIwaswithNeil?
InevertoldthemwhatNeildidbeyondthecheating.Itwasweird,butIgotthesensethey’dblamemeforit.LikeNeilwassofarupontheirpedestal,notevenemotionalabusecouldknockhimdown.
Ichangedthesubject.“SohaveyoutalkedtoDerek?”
Shepaused.“Ihaven’tspokentoyourbrothersinceheleft.”Therewassomethingtightabouthervoice.“Howareyou?”sheasked.“Iknowthishasbeenalotofchangeforyou.DerekleavingandNeil.”
AndDad.
Hehungthereinthesilence.
SometimesIthoughtNeilandDadweresomuchalike.Thesamedrive,thesamedemandingtype-Apersonality.It’sprobablywhytheygotalongsowell.
“Anyupdatesonthechiefposition?”sheasked.
“Notyet,”Isaid.“Ihaven’tseenGibsonyet,”Iadded.
IknowDadhadbasicallyinformedmethatI’dbetakingthisjob,whetherIwanteditornot.ButfortunatelyIactuallydidwantit.I’dalwayswantedit.IfIhadn’tbeenwithNeil,I’dprobablybechiefalready.Ithadcomeupafewtimesovertheyears,andhealwaysfoundawaytotalkmeoutofit.
Idon’tthinkhewantedmetoadvance.LikeitmadehimfeelthreatenedthatImightenduphisequalinanyway.IthinkhelikedthetrophyaspectofhavingaMontgomeryforagirlfriend,aslongasIstayedbeneathhim.
ItwasfunnythattheverythingDadwasupsetabout—mylackofambition—wasbroughtonbythesamemanhewasdemandingIreconcilewith.
“Ithinkyou’dmakeanexcellentchief,Alexis.”Momputahandovermine.“Iknowhowoverwhelmingallthisis,butyou’llfindyourstride.There’ssomuchyoucandoatRoyaume,especiallyinapositionofleadership.Youwillneverfindthissameinfluenceanywhereelse.Youwillneverbeabletochangetheworldthewayyoucanhere.Ican’twaittoseewhatyoudowithit.”
Ismiledalittle.
ThatwasthedifferencebetweenMomandDad.Daddidn’twantmetoembarrasshim.Hewantedtobeabletobragaboutmeandmyaccomplishmentsatdinnerparties.
Momwantedmetobeeffective
Shewantedtohelppeople.Andyouknowwhat?SodidI.
Ididn’twantit.Ididn’tsignupforit.ButMomwasright.Ireallycoulddoamazingthingshere.
Ijusthadtofigureoutwhatthosethingsweregoingtobe.
TwodayslaterBrifoundmeinthesupplyclosetbythechief’soffice.“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked,peeringovermyshoulderinthedoorway.
Isurveyedashelfofbabyformula.“GibsonsaidIcouldhavewhateverIwantoutofthefreesamplestash.IthinkIneedatraumakitformycar.”
“Forwhat?”
IpickedupacanofEnfamilandstartedreadingthelabel.“IkeepgoingonmedicalcallsinWakan.Ideliveredababylastweek,andIdidn’tevenhavePPE.”
“Youdeliveredababy,”shedeadpanned.
“Yeah.Withadoublenuchalcord.”Inoddedatamachinegatheringdustonashelf.“DoyouthinkGibsonwouldletmehavethatportableEKG?”
Sheshrugged.“Idon’tseewhynot.Arepgaveusthattwoyearsagototestintheambulances.We’renotusingit,andtheydon’twantitback.”ShepeeredatthepileIhadstarted.“Whatelseyougot?”
“Gauze,Kerlixwrap,Acebandages,butterflies,liquidstitch,needles,syringes,lidocaine—youknowthey’restitchingeachotherupwithafishhookoverthere?”
Shescoffed.“ProbablyusingKrazyGluetoo.”
Ipaused,holdingaC-collar.“Ibettheyare…”
Shestartedpullingthings.“Sowhatareyoudoingtonight?Wanttohavedinner?”
“Ican’t.I’mhavingdinnerwithmyparents.Theywanttotalkaboutthequasquicentennial.”
Shegrabbedaboxofinstanticepacks.“Howaboutdinnertomorrowthen?OrareyougoingtothatthingatGabby’s?”
Ishookmyhead.“I’mnotreallyhangingoutwiththemrightnow.”
“Why?BecauseoftheTripAdvisorthing?”
Ishrugged,tossingafeweyeshieldsintothekeeppile.“That.AndIdon’tknow.Ijustdon’tthinkIhaveasmuchincommonwiththemasIthoughtIdid.ButIcan’tgotomorroweither.IthinkI’mgoingtoDaniel’s.”
IwasdefinitelygoingtoDaniel’s.
I’dstolenadifferenthoodieonmywayouttheotherday.ThisonewasfromCabela’s.Itwasgrayandithaddeerantlersonthefront.DanielhadacherryChapStickinthepocketthattastedlikehismouth.Itwaslikeatinybonusprize,andIlovedit.
I’dturnedthethermostatdowntofreezinglastnightjustsoIcouldsleepinit.I’dlaininbedwearingit,talkingtohimonthephoneuntilalmostmidnight.Eventhinkingaboutitmademesmile.
“SoItookapageoutofyourdatingplaybookthisweek,”Brisaid.“WentonaTinderdatewithatwenty-six-year-old.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“And?”
“Andtheguy’sentireapartmentwasaTV,anXbox,andareclinerparkedinfrontofit.Hismattresswasonthefloor.Heonlyhadoneplate.”
Ilaughed.
“DoesDanielhavemorethanoneplate?BecauseIfeellikehe’samorethanoneplatekindofguy.”
Igrinnedattheshelves.“Hehaslotsofplates.Niceones,actually.Antiques.”
“Ibethefoldstowelstherightwaytoo.Amythicalcreature.”
Ilaughed.“Didyousleepwithhim?Thetwenty-six-year-old?”
“No.Irefusetohavesexwithsomeonewhodoesn’thaveaheadboard.I’mnotthatdesperate—yet.MyvaginahasofficiallybeenclosedsolongI’mafraidaSpiritHalloweenisgoingtomovein.”
IlaughedsohardIstartedtochokeonmyspit.
Shegrabbedaboxandtappedafingeronit.“TakesomeSAMSplintsincaseyougetabrokenbone.Burnsheets.Doyouhaveapulseox?Bloodpressurecuff?”
“No.”
“I’llgetyouone.Andgetanitroglycerincase.You’regonnaneedsomeaspirin,Benadryl,anti-nauseapills,epinephrine,atropine—thisisfun!It’slikeapocalypseprepping.”
Ilaughed.“Theydon’thaveaclinicoutthere.FromwhatDanieltellsmetheydon’tdriveintotownuntilsomethingisliterallyfallingofftheirbody.”
“Nowonderthey’rehittingyouupwhenyou’reoverthere.”
Inoddedmyheadattheshelves.“Yeah.Ijustfigureifit’sgoingtokeephappening,Ishouldprobablyhavestuffinthecar.”
“Soyou’restillgoingdownthere,huh?”
Ishrugged,lookingatthegauze.“Yeah.”
Mycellphonevibrated,andIpulleditoutofmypocket.Daniel.ApictureofaduckandthecaptionDuckNorris.Ilaughed.HemustbeatDoug’s.
“Wasthathim?”sheasked.
Ismiledupather.“Yeah.”
“What’shetextingyou?”
Igaveaone-shouldershrug.Thenmyphonepingedagain,andaselfieofhimholdingChloecamethrough.
Myheartmelted
Hishazeleyesweretwinkling.HehadonagrayT-shirtandaradiantsmile.Chloewasnibblinghisbeard.Ihadtoclutchahandovermychest.
Icouldalmostsmellhisfreshscentthroughthescreen.IcouldpicturewrappingmyarmsaroundhimandnuzzlinghisAdam’sapple,andhe’dhugmeinthatwarm,easywayhehad.Heatdroppedtomycorejustthinkingaboutit.
IsavedthephototoanalbumcalledDaniel,andIhadthemostpeculiarurgetomakethepicturemyscreensaver.
“What?”sheasked,watchingme.
“Nothing,”Isaid,smiling.
Brishookherheadatme.“Oh,myGod…you’refallingforhim.”
Myheadjerkedupather.“What?No.”
Shecrossedherarms.“Yousoare.”
“No.No,it’sjustafling.”Iwavedheroff.
“Likehellitis.”
Iputmyphonetomychest.“Iamnotfallingforhim.Itisasexthing.”
“Asexthingisasexthing.Youdon’ttexthimandsmileallgiddyoveryourphone.Youhavethesexandyouleaveandthenyoudon’ttexthimagainuntilyouneedtoseeifhispenisisavailable.What’shesendingyou?Isitadickpic?Becauseifitisn’tadickpic,thenyou’reofftopic.”
“What,wecan’ttalkaboutanythingelsethatisn’tsexrelated?”
Sheputherhandout.“Letmeseeyourphone.”
“What?No!”
“Alexis,letmeseeyourphone.”
Wehadasilentstandoff.ThenIsmackeditintoherhand.Shestoodthere,lookingatit.Shearchedaneyebrowatme.“Thisishim?”
“Yeah.”
Shegroaned.“Oh,forfuck’ssake.”
Istartedchewingmythumb.“What?”
Sheglancedatme.“He’scute,”shesaid,likethiswasadisappointment.
“Yeah.So.”
“Socuteisn’tgood.Yougetattachedtocute.”
Shescrolledonandthenlookedupandpinnedmewithastare.“Thisisaduckpic.”
“And?”
“Wherearethedickpics?”
Icrossedmyarms.“Hedoesn’tsendmethose.Andifhedid,Iwouldn’tletyouseethem.”
Shethumbedtomycalllog,andhereyesnarrowedatmyscreen.“Youtalkedtohimforthreehourslastnight?Onthephone?!”
Isnatchedmycell.“Givemethatback.”
Sheputherhandsonherhips.“Youlikehim.Youaredatinghim.”
“IttakestwohourstogettoWakan,”Isaiddefensively.“WhenIgodownthere,wehavetodootherstuff.Itcan’tjustbeallsex.”
Shegawkedatme.“Youarestandinghere,lyingtoyourbestfriend—Ihaveknownyoufortenyears.Itisalloveryourdamnface.”Shewavedahandinfrontofmynose.“You’repackingatraumakitforthecarbecausethat’showmuchtimeyouplantospendthere,andyou’retryingtotellmethisisjustasexthing?”
IwentbacktolookingatbandagessoIwouldn’thavetolookather.“MaybeIdolikehim.Alittle.”Ishrugged.“He’ssweet.”
Andgenerous,andfunny,andattentive…
Shewasshakingherheadatthesideofmyface.“Youknowthiscan’tbeathing,right?Yourdadwoulddisownyou.”
Iscoffed.“He’sreadytodisownmeanywayfornotgettingbackwithNeil.YouknowwhatNeildidlastweek?”Ilookedather.“Heturnedoffthepowerbeforeheleftforwork.”
“Hedidwhat?”
“Yeah.Ithoughtitwasapoweroutage.”
“Whythehelldidhedothat?Justtobeadick?”
“Yup.HeprobablythoughtI’dcallandaskhimforhelp.It’sthissuperpassiveaggressive‘youneedme’thing.He’spissedbecausehethoughtweweregoingtotalktheotherdayandIwenttoDaniel’sinstead.Hetextedmeallnight,askingwhereIwas.Itwaslikethisroller-coasterrideofhimgettingallpissedoffbecauseIdidn’tshow,andthenaseriesofapologiesandthenhewaspissedoffagainbecauseIdidn’treply.He’sbeensulkingaroundallgrouchy.Slammingdoorsand—”Irubbedmyeyebrow.“Icannotwaitforthistobeover.”
“DoesNeilknowaboutDaniel?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Hellno.ItellhimI’matyourhouse.”
“Good.He’stooshadytoknowwhatyou’reupto.Don’teverlethimknow.IfthisasshatturnsthepoweroffjusttogetyourattentionIdon’tevenwannaknowwhathe’ddotoyourfuckbuddy.DoesDanielknowabouthim?”
“Heknowsenough.”
“Andwhatdoeshesay?”
Ishrugged,pickingupanoxygencanister.“Wedon’treallytalkaboutit.Idon’tneedtobringNeilwithmetoWakan.Igotheretonotthinkabouthim.”Irolledmyeyes.“YouknowNeilmademeaquichetheotherday—”
“Ewwww,didyoueatit?”
“No.Noway.”Imadeaface.“Butheleftitthereinthekitchen.It’sgrowingmold.”
“Uh,sothrowitaway?”
“Heputitthere,hecanthrowitaway.”Isettheoxygencanisterdownwithaclink.“Ican’tstandbeinghomewithhim.That’swhyIgotoDaniel’salot.Itjustgetsmeoutofthehouse.I’mnotfallingforhim.”
Shelookedunconvinced.“Uh-huh.”
“What?Iknowthiscan’tgoanywhere.”
Shecockedherhead.“Well,maybeyoushouldstopitthen.”
Iblinkedather.“What?”
“Stopseeinghim.”
Ipausedforamoment.“Why?”
“BecauseIknowyou,Ali.Andnomatterwhatyou’retellingyourself,Iseewhat’shappening.You’rejustsettingyourselfuptobehurt.You’resettinghimuptobehurt.”
“I’vealreadytoldhimIdon’twantaboyfriend.He’sokaywithit.We’rejusthavingfun.”
Shelookedalmostsorryforme.“Ali,IknowNeilmessedyouup,sothisishardforyoutobelieve,butyouareanamazingwoman.Andthere’snowaythisguycan’thavefeelingsforyou,becausehe’sgoingtoseethat.Soeitheryou’regonnatellyourfamilyandRoyaumeNorthwesterntogoscrewthemselveswhileyoumovetothemiddleofnowheretobewithhim,oryou’regoingtogetyourheartbroken.”
Ipaused.“I’mnotmoving.Ican’t.”
“Canhemovehere?”sheasked.
Ishookmyhead.“Hiswholelifeisthattown.Andhe’stryingtobuyhisfamily’shouse.”
Shenodded.“Okay.Solet’stalkthroughthis.Thisdatinggoeson.Youtwofallinlove.Hecan’tmovehere,andevenifhedid,yourdadwouldneveraccepthim,andyourmomneverdisagreeswithyourdad.Derekwouldhavebeennicetohim,buthe’snothere.Neilwouldtakeajabathimeverychancehegets.YouthinkGabbyandJessicaandtheiruptighthusbandsaregonnawelcomehimintothefold?They’renot.Sohestayswhereheis,andyou,what?Seehimonceaweekfortherestofyourlife?Youcan’tlivewithhim.Can’tcommutefourhoursaday,can’tchangehospitals.Sowhathappenswhenhewantstogetmarried?Orhavekids?Yougonnadothatwithhim?What’stheplan?”
Ilickedmylips.“Idon’tknow.”
Shenodded.“Right.Youdon’tknow.See,thisiswhatImean.Youkeepseeinghimandyou’regonnaendupmoremessedupthanafterNeil.Thiswassupposedtobeafling.Nofeelings.Youhookedupwiththisguybecausehewassomeoneyoucouldn’tcatchfeelingsfor.Andnowyouare,andyouneedtocallitoffbeforeyoucan’tanymore.”
Iswallowed.ThethoughtofbreakingthingsoffwithDanielfelt…itfeltliketheonlythingthatwasmakingmehappywasabouttoend.
ButIguessitdidn’tmatter,becauseIwasn’tgoingtohavetimeforhimmuchlonger.BecausethismorningI’dofficiallyputinmybidforthechiefposition.
Isighed.“It’sgoingtohavetoendsoonanyway.I’mrunningforchief.”
“Seriously?”
“GibsonisleavinginAugust.Ithasn’tbeenannouncedyet,Dadtoldme.”
Shegrinned.“That’sawesome!Yougettobemyboss!I’llgetallthedaysoffIwant!”
Ilaughedalittle.
“Man,you’dbeperfectforthatjob,”shesaid.“That’salotofworkthough.”
“Iknow.ButI’mexcited.Ithinkit’sgoingtobegoodforme.I’llhavemoreinfluencewiththeboard.Icangetmoredone.”
“Yourdadmightfinallyshutup.”
Isnorted.“God,Ihopeso.”
Thatalonemightactuallymakeitworthit.
Iwasinadownmoodafterwork.NeilmadeitapointtoslinkaroundtheER.Iignoredhim.Butmostofall,Icouldn’tstopthinkingaboutwhatBrisaid,thatIshouldbreakitoffwithDaniel
Thetruthwas,IthinkIwasstartingtogetattachedtohim.Andnotjustinasexualway.
Ihadtoomanythoughtsaboutthis.Noneofthemgood.
Evenifthedistanceandtheagegapandsocialcanyonweren’tathing,wasitsmarttonose-diveintoanotherrelationshipthreemonthsafterthelastone?Aren’tyousupposedtobesingleforawhileafterabreakup?Findyourselforsomething?WhatwoulditsayaboutmeifIjumpedrightintoanotherseriousrelationship?ThatIwascodependent?Couldn’tbealone?
MaybeIshouldbealone.
Iwasinnopositiontobewithsomeonerightnow.
Briwasright.IfIwasgettingattached,Iprobablyshouldcutthecordnow.
ButthethoughtofdoingitmademefeellikeIcouldn’tbreathe.
TheideaofnotseeingDanieleveragainwassoupsetting,Icouldn’teventhinkaboutit.WhichonlymademefeelpanickybecauseitmadememoresurethatIwasactuallyattachedtohim,whichsentmedownarabbitholeofwonderingifhewasattachedtome
Imean,hewantedmetobehisgirlfriend.Butwasthatattachment?Wasitfeelings?Ordidhejustnotwantustohavesexwithanyoneelse?
Partofmehopedhewasn’tattached.Whyhaveusbothgethurtwhenitended?
Buttheotherpartofmehopedhelikedmeback.Theotherpartofmewasdesperateforhimtolikemeback.Becausetheonlythingmoreterrifyingthanneverseeinghimagainwasforthistobeone-sided.
Oh,myGod.Iwasfallingforhim.
Iwas.Itotallywas.
UGH.
Ididn’thavetimetothinkaboutthis.Ihaddinnerwithmyparentstonight,andmybraincouldonlydealwithsomuch.Iwasn’tlookingforwardtoseeingDad.TheonlygoodthingaboutitwasIwouldgettotellhimaboutthechiefpositionandmaybehe’dlayoffmealittleafter.
Itookashowerandwassittingatmyvanitydoingmymakeupwhenthephonerang.Daniel.
“Hey,”Isaid,smiling.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Sittinginarobeinmybathroomgettingreadyfordinnerwithmyparents.”
“Sooooooyou’renaked?”Iheardhimgrin.
“Ihavearobeon.”
“Sooooyou’renakedundertherobe?”
Ismiled.“Yeeees.”
“Sendmeapicture.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“Youwantapicture?”
“Yeah,whynot?”
Igrinnedandgotupandwentovertothebed.“I’llsendyouoneifyousendmeone,”Isaid,slidingontothemattress.
“I’mnotreallyinaplacetotakeapicturerightnow,”hesaid.
“Sendmeonelater.”
“Okay.Andwhatkindofpicturedoyouwant?I’mgoingtoneedtohearyousaythewords‘sendmeadickpic,Daniel’forconsentreasons.”
Ilaughed.“Sendmeadickpic.”
“Onedickpic,comingup.”
“Awwww,justone?”
Icouldtellhewassmiling.
“Doyouwanttotellmewhatkindofpicturesyouwant?”Iasked.“Forconsentreasons?”
“WithyouIconsenttoeverything.”
Isnorted.
“Youknow,fortherecord,IwishIwasthereanddidn’tneedthepictureatall…”hesaid.
Igavethephoneawrygrin.“Andwhatwouldyoudotomeifyouwerehere?”
“Hmmmm.Let’ssee,”hesaid,hisvoicelow.“FirstI’dpushyoudownonthebed.ThenI’dslideoveryouandkissyoufromyourneckup.”
Imadealowmoaninmythroat.“Ilikethat…”
“I’dtakemyhandandpressittoyourcheekandlookyouintheeye.ThenI’dtellyouthatyou’rethemostbeautifulwomanI’veeverseen.ThatIthinkyou’rebrilliantandkindandthatseeingyouisthehighlightofmyentireweek.Thatwhenyou’reonyourway,I’malreadydreadingyouleavingandwhenI’mwithyouI’mhappy.”
Iblinkedintothebedroom.Icouldn’tbreathe.“Daniel…”
“I’msorry,”hesaidsoftly.“Iknowthat’snotforeplay.”
Ishookmyhead.“Yes,”Isaidquietly.“Itis.”
Icouldtellhewassmiling.“Gottago.Needtoputoutappetizers.”Hepaused.“Imissyou.”
Itpunchedmeintheheart.He’dneversaidthattomebefore.
Thiswasanotherlevel,unlocked.
TherewasImissyou.Iloveyou.Boyfriend,girlfriend,meetthefamily,livetogether,engaged.
Married…
Butwe’dneverreachmostofthoselevels.We’dneverevencomeclose.
Icouldn’tevenpicturehistruckparkedinthedrivewayofmyhouse.Myhomeowners’associationwouldprobablygivemeaticket.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,IwasinasituationwhereIknewIwasmakingaterriblemistake.Iwascareeningtowardcertaindeathatterminalvelocity.ButIcouldn’tnotdoit.IknewcontinuingthisthingwithDanielwaspointless.Therewasnohappyendinghere.ButImissedhim.Hemissedme.AndIwantedhimtoknowit.Atleasttonight.
“Imissyoutoo.”Chapter25
Daniel
Alexissentmeapictureofherfromtheneckdown.Blacksilkrobe,openinthefront,lacyblackunderwear.
Ipracticallyranbacktomygarage.
I’dnevertakenadickpicbefore.Iwasgettingreadywhenmyphonerang.Doug.
“Hey,Ican’ttalkrightnow,I’mrightinthemiddleofsomething,”Isaid.
“Whatareyouinthemiddleof?”
“I’m…I’mtakingapictureforAlexis.”
Silence.
“I’mcomingover.”
“What?No.Don’tcomeover.”
Iheardhisscreendoorslam.
“I’mserious,Doug,Idon’tneedyou.”
“Letmeguess.You’retakingatop-downshot,usingtheflash,standinginyourshittygaragebathroom,youcanseeyourfeetinthepictureandyou’rewearingsocks.”
Ilookeddown.
Shit
Iheardhisengineturnover.“That’swhatIthought.Don’tdoanythinguntilIgetthere.”
“Doug—”
“DON’TDOANYTHINGUNTILIGETTHERE.”
Hehunguponme.
FifteenminuteslaterDougwalkedin.Hehadaringlight.
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“I’mnotusingthatshit.”
Hewalkedpastmeintomyworkshop.“She’sgoingtoshowthistoherfriends.Youwanttosendherashittydickpic?That’swhatyouwant?”
Ifollowedhimovertomyworkbench.“She’snotshowingittoherfriends.”
“Daniel?”AfemalevoicecameoutofDoug’sphoneonspeaker.“It’sLiz.She’sdefinitelygoingtoshowittoherfriends.”
Ithrewupmyhands.“Whatthehell?!YoucalledLiz?”
Heshrugged.“Ihadtoborrowherringlight.”
Icouldhearherlaughing,andIpinchedthebridgeofmynose.“Thisissoembarrassing,”Iwhispered.
“What’sembarrassingissendingadickpicthatallherfriendsmakefunof.Thisisfuckingimportant,”hesaid,shovinghisphonewithLizonspeakerintomyhand.“Literallyeveryonesheknowsisabouttoseethegoods,youcan’tmessthisup.”
Ishookmyhead.“You’renothelpingmetakethispicture.”
HelookedatmelikeIwasspeakingintongues.“I’mnottakingyourdamndickpic.I’msettingyouup,givingyouallthetools,andyou’retakingit.”
Lizcameovertheline.“Okay,solisten,thereisanarttothis.”
Ilolledmyheadbackandstaredattheceiling.
“Youneedtoholdit,”Lizsaid.“Don’tjustletithangtherebyitselfalllonely.”
“Gripitbythebase,”Dougsaid,mimingitwithhishand.“Butdon’tdothatthingwhereyousqueezeyourballstomakeitlookbigger.She’sseenit,shealreadyknows.”
Isnorted.
“Don’tgetaclose-up.It’swaytooaggressive,”Lizsaid.“Tryandgetyourabsinthere,maybealittlethighorsomesidebutt.Womenlikethat.Double-checkthebackground.NodirtylaundryoraTVon.Donot,underanycircumstances,takethispicwearingonlyashirt.It’sextremelycreepy.Youcanbewearingpantsorboxerssortofpulleddown,butnoshirt.Anddon’tputarulernexttoit.”
Iscoffed.“Menputarulerbyit?”
“All.The.TIME,”shesaid.
Dougshookhishead.“Rookieshit.Andmanscape,”hesaid,settingupthelight.“It’llmakeitlookbigger.”
Iblewoutabreath.“Anythingelse?”Iaskedreluctantly.
Dougwasstandingbackwithoneeyeclosed,hishandsinfrontofhim,framingasectionofmytoolwall.“Ithinkhere’sgood.Manly.Sheseesthetoolsinthebackground,makesherthinkofgettingnailed.”
Lizlaughedthroughthephone.“I’mhangingupnow.Goodluck!”Andthenfromthebackground,“GOODLUCK!”
Shewasatthebar.Witheveryone.
Iputmyfaceintomyhand.
Ittookmetwentyminutes,butIgotthepictureandsentittoAlexis.Shecalledmefiveminuteslater,whispering.
“Igotthisinthemiddleofdinnerwithmyparents.”
“Oh,shit—”
“No,sofarit’sbeenthehighlightofthewholenight,”shewhispered.
Ilaughed.“Whereareyou?”
“Inthebathroom.”
Ileanedbackinmyseatandstretched.“Youshouldbringthemdown.”
“Who?”
“Yourparents.”
Shewentsilentontheotherend.
“Youwouldn’twanttomeetmyparents,”shesaid.“Trustme.”
Therewassomething“endofdiscussion”abouthertone.Iletitgo.
“SowhendoIgettoseeyou?”Iasked.
“Icancomedowntomorrowafterwork.”
Igrinned.“Okay.Doyoumindifwegoouttoeat?”
“Youwanttotakemeout?”
“There’sathingattheVFW.It’snotanythingfancy.Justaspaghettidinner.Lizandeveryonewillbethere.Ifyou’renotcomfortablewiththatwecanskipit.”
“Ilikespaghetti,”shesaid.“Soundslikefun.”
Imovedthephoneawayfrommymouthlikeshecouldhearmygrin.“Okay,it’sadate,”Isaid.“Hey,didn’tyousayonceyouwereapickyeater?”
“Yeah.Iam.”
“YoueateverythingIgiveyou.”
Shelaughedalittle.“Ilikeeverythingyougiveme.Idon’tlikebarfood.Friedstuff.”
“SoifI’dtriedtomakeyousomehotwingsorsomething,youwouldn’thavecomehomewithmethatnight?Itwasnothingbutthethinpromiseofagrilledcheesethattippedthescales?”
“Iwouldhavegonehomewithyouthatnight,nomatterwhatyouweremaking.”
“Becauseofthebabygoat?”
“No.Becauseofyou.”Icouldhearthesmileinhervoice.“Gottago.”
Icouldn’tgetthegrinoffmyface.Ihungupwithher,beaming.
Shedidn’ttellmeitwasn’tadate—whichmeantitwas.Shewascomingoutwithmeinpublictomorrow,hangingoutwithmyfriends.Shealsotoldmeshemissedmeearlier.
I’dbeenafraidtohopethatthismightnotbeone-sided.ItfeltimpossiblethatIcouldinterestawomanlikeAlexisinanywaythatwasmorethanjustsex.ButnowIdaredtohope.
Theprogresswasslow,butitwasthere.Tinyvictoriesonmypart.Shewaslettingmein.
Ididn’tthinkshe’dactuallyletmemeetherparents,butIthrewthesethingsathertoseewhatwouldstickanyway.Theworstshecouldsaywasno—andsometimesshesaidyes
She’dsaidyestobeingexclusive.She’dsaidyestospaghettiwithmyfriends—whichI’dsandbaggedabit.Itwasalittlemorethanjustacasualdinner.Buteveryonewantedittobeasurprise,andIwasn’tgoingtoruinit.
IfeltlikeifIcouldkeepgettingcloser,maybeamiraclecouldhappen.
Maybeonedaytherewouldonlybeyes.Chapter26
Alexis
IhungupwithDaniel,touchedupmylipstick,andwentbackouttodinnerwithmyparents.
We’djustordered,andourdrinkshadarrivedwhileIwasgone.WewereatSycamoreinMinneapolis.Itwasahigh-endsteakplacethatlookedliketheinsideoffirstclassontheTitanic.Itwasdimlylit,withcrisplinentableclothsandstatelypaintingsofimportantwhitemenonthewalls.
Thatalwaysannoyedme,thatthewhitemengotthestatelypaintings.EvenatRoyaume,thehallwayswerelinedwiththem.Allthementhroughoutthehistoryofthehospitalwho’dmadesignificantcontributions.MostlyfromtheMontgomeryfamily,butstill.
Iwasgoingtorequeststatelypaintingsofallthemarginalizedpeoplewhohadcontributedtothehospital’ssuccessoverthelasthundredandtwenty-fiveyears.
I’dbeenthinkingalotaboutwhatIwantedmycontributiontoRoyaumetobe.MaybeI’dstartaweeklyfreeclinicforlow-incomepatients,getsomedonorstocontributetonewprogramsforfinancialaid.
Theselastthingshadneverfeltasimportanttomeastheydidnow.
EverytimeapatientcametotheERintheirowncarbecausetheycouldn’taffordtheambulancerideortheyputoffcareuntiltheywereinsuchbadshapeitwasanemergencyroomvisit,IthoughtaboutDaniel.
MostpeopleinWakanwerebarelymakingitasitwas,andahospitalstaywouldruinthem.
Ialwaystriedtohelpmypatientswhentheycouldn’taffordcare.
Lastweekamancameinwithasimpleperforatedeardrum,andIsawhiminthewaitingroomandwrotehimaprescriptionwithoutcheckinghiminsohewouldn’tbebilledforanERtrip.WhenIcould,IcodedproceduressotheyfellunderawellnessvisitorIsentapatienttotheirprimarycarephysicianwhereitwouldbecheaperinsteadofgivingthematreatmentthatcouldwait.ButIwasstartingtofeellikeitwasn’tenough.IwasstartingtofeellikeIcouldbedoingmore.AndnowIwasinapositionto.
ThereweredefinitelyperkstobeingaMontgomery.MaybeIshouldstarttousethem.
MomandDadstoppedtalkingasIslidintomyseatandputmynapkininmylap.Dadleveledhiseyesonme.“Sowhatwasthisannouncementyouwantedtomake?”
Momwaitedpatiently.
I’dbeentheonewho’dmadethisdinnerdate.They’dbeenwantingtotalktomeaboutthequasquicentennial,andI’dbeenturningdownalltheirinvitationstodoit,mostlybecausetheyallincludedNeil.SoI’dbookedthereservationmyselfandtoldthemwecouldtalkabouttheeventoverdinner,andIaddedthatIhadsomethingIwantedtotellthem.
Ismiled.“I’veputmybidinforchief.”
Dad’sbrowsdrewdown.“Ofcourseyou’veputyourbidinforchief,Iexpresslytoldyoutodoso.Whatkindofannouncementisthat?WhataboutNeil?”heasked,lookingconfused.
“Whatabouthim?”Iasked,lookingbackandforthbetweenthem.
“You’renotgettingbackwithNeil?”Momsaid,hereyesdartingnervouslytoDad.
“What?No…”
“Oh,forChrist’ssake,Alexis,”Dadsaid.“Whatwasthepointofthisdinner?”
Iblinkedathim.“I…Ithoughtyou’dbehappy.Aboutthechiefthing.Youwantedmetorun.I’mofficiallyrunning.”
“Bringingusheretotellusyou’redoingwhatyoushouldhavebeendoinginthefirstplaceisnotworthyofadinnerannouncement,”hesaid.
Momlickedherlips.“Sweetheart,wewereundertheimpressionthatyouweregettingbackwithNeil.”
Ipressedmylipstogetherandletoutaslow,patientbreaththroughmynose.“Mom?Dad?”Iputmyhandsonthetable.“IamnevergettingbackwithNeil.”
“Whythehellnot?”Dadsnapped.
Itwassoloud,peoplefromothertablesturnedtolookatus.Igawkedathiminshock.
Hepointedafingeratme.“You’vegiventhatrelationshipaboutasmucheffortasyou’vegivenyourcareer.You’vedonethebareminimum,andyouwonderwhyitisn’tsuccessful.”
Momputahandonhisshoulder.“Cecil…”
“No,Jennifer,sheneedstohearthis.”
Hisfacewasred.
“Thatmandeservesyourrespect.Youdon’tevenreturnhistextmessages.He’smadeeveryattemptpossibletomakeamendswithyou—andifyoudon’twanttomakethem,that’syourbusiness.Butuntilyou’veexhaustedcouple’scounseling,donotsithereandactlikeyou’renotpartoftheproblem.”
Ifeltmyfacegrowinghot.“Dad,hewasabusive—”
“Didhehityou?”Dadasked.“Callyounames?”
Alumpwasforminginmythroat.“No—”
“Didthatmaneverlayafingeronyou?”
Ifelttearswellinginmyeyes.“No.”Iswallowed.“Hewasmean,Dad.He’sstillmean.Heactsdifferentlywhenyou’renotthere—”
“He’sprobablyjustfrustratedwithyou,andfranklyIdon’tblamehim.Honestly,Idon’tknowwhatwedidtodeservechildrenlikethis.Ireallydon’t.”
Momwasrubbinghisshoulder.“Let’sjustcalmdown—”
“Wecoddledthem,Jennifer.They’veneverhadtoworkforanything.Lazy.”
Mymouthfellopen.“Iwasvaledictorian.IgraduatedfirstofmyclassatStanford.I’veworkedmyassofftoget—”
Dadjabbedafingeratme.“Don’tyoudaretakethatlanguagewithme,younglady.Ihavehadaboutenoughofthisbacktalkfromyou.Sohelpme,Alexis,IwillcutyouofflikeI’vecutoffyourbrother.Ihavezerotoleranceforthisdisrespect.”
Iblinkedathim.“Whatdoyoumeanyou’vecutoffmybrother…”
“Yourbrotherhasmadehischoice,”Dadsaid.“He’snotwelcomeinourhomeuntilhe’sridhimselfofthiswomanhe’srunoffwith.”
Igapedathim.“Thatwomanishiswife!”
Dad’snostrilsflared.“That’snodaughter-in-lawofmine.Andyou’llbecarefultorememberthat.Thisfamilyisn’tsomegreasydinerthatyoucanstumbleintowithsometattooedjunkieyou’vepickedup.Iwillnothaveournameassociatedwith—whateverthehellsheis.”
Momcouldn’tevenlookmeintheeye.
Ishookmyhead,incredulous.“You’redisowningyourownsonbecauseyoudon’tlikehiswife,”Isaidslowly.“Whoyou’veneverevenmet.”
Heleanedforward.“Idon’tneedtomeether.Herreputationprecedesher.Shehasagoddamnsextape,forChrist’ssake.”
Theunfairnessofthismademyjawgotight.LolaSimone’ssextapewasnodifferentthanthepicturesDanielandIhadjustsenttoeachother.
“Shetrustedsomeone,andtheybetrayedher,”Isaid.“That’snotherfault.”
“Iwouldrathergotomygraveneverbreathinganotherwordtoyourbrotherthanacknowledgetheembarrassmenthe’sinvitedintothisfamily.Heoweseverysingleoneofusanapology.Marriageshouldbedignified.Neilisdignified.Youmaynothavebeenmarriedtohimlegally,butyouweremarriedtohiminpracticeandyoubetterdamnwellstarttoactlikeit.”
Theservercametothetablewithourfood,andDadstoppedtalkingandsatbackinhisseatwithaclenchedjaw.Wesatthere,silent,asplateswereplacedinfrontofus.
Whentheserverwasgone,Dadbeganeating,cuttinghissteakangrily,likehe’dgivenupgettingthroughtomeandjustwantedtogetdinneroverwithsohecouldleave.
IttookeverythingIhadinmetomuscledowntheurgetocry.
Mompickedupaforkandjusthovereditoverherplate,staringatit.Irecognizedthatlook.I’dwornitmyself.It’sthelookyouhavewhenyou’retootiredtocarryonthefight.
It’sthewayyoufeelbeforeyouacceptthequiche.
Igotupandfledtothebathroom.AfewmomentslaterMomcameinbehindme.
Iwentintoastallandrippedapieceoftoiletpaperofftheroll.“HowcouldyoulethimdothistoDerek?”Iwipedatmyeyes.“That’syourson.”
“AndwhatcouldIdoaboutit,Alexis?”Shethrewupherhands.“Yourfatherisyourfather.I’dhavemoreluckmovingmountainsthanmovingthatman.Andyourbrotherknewexactlywhathewasdoing.Heknewyourfatherwouldneverapprove,that’swhyhegotmarriedinsecret.Youcanblamemeallyouwant,butyourbrotherisagrownman,andhemadehisownchoicesknowingverywellwhattheconsequenceswouldbe.”
Momturnedslowlyanddroppedontoatuftedchairinthecornerofthebathroomlikeherbodyweighedamillionpounds.
“Iamaseventy-three-year-oldwoman,andIamtired.Iloveyourfather.Heisbrilliantandwonderfulinsomanyways,butheisadifficultman,andthat’snevergoingtochange.Youtakehimasheis,oryougetnothingatall.Yourbrotherpickednothing—buthedidpick.”
Isniffedandlookedawayfromher.
“Alexis,yourfatherhaslosteverythingthatmatterstohiminthelasttwomonths,”shesaid.“Hiscareerisdone,andhisvisionisgoing.Thefutureofthelegacyisuncertain,Derekisgone,youleftNeil.He’salmosteightyyearsold,andhisentirelifeisoutofhiscontrol.”
Isqueezedmyeyesshutandleanedonthesink.
“He’sanoldman.Idon’tknowhowmuchmoretimewe’llhavewithhim.Tryandmeethimsomewhereinthemiddle,”shebegged.“Please.What’safewcounselingsessionswithNeil?Youcan’tknowifit’ssalvageableunlessyoutrytosalvageit.Andifitdoesn’tworkout,itdoesn’tworkout.”
Iopenedmyeyesandstaredather,incredulous.“Didyounotjusthearmesaythathewasabusive?”
Shethrewupherhands.“Whatisgoingtohappenwithatherapistsittingtherewatching?Forheaven’ssake,maybeNeilwilllearnsomething.It’sonlyonehouraweek.Giveyourfatherwhathewants,sohecangetoveritandmoveon.Showhimthatyourespecthisopinion.Heneedsthatrightnow.”
Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.Shewasn’taskingmetodothisforDad.Shewasaskingforherself.BecauseDadwouldbeunbearableifIdidn’t.Heprobablyalreadywas.
Icouldn’tevenrespond.Therewasnopoint.Shewasright.Myfatherwasmyfather.
Derek…
HewouldneverbeatThanksgivingagain.Hewouldn’tbeatChristmas.Hewouldn’tbeatourparents’birthdayparties.He’dprobablyneverevenseethehousehegrewupinagain.
Ididn’tforoneseconddoubtmydad’sabilitytoholdontohishateuntilthebitterend.He’dhadapettyfalling-outwithhissisterfiftyyearsagoandhe’dneverspokentoheragain.Notevenonherdeathbed.
Myheartbrokeformybrotherandmymom.Anditbrokeformetoo.
Idon’tthinkI’dtruly,trulyprocessedtheimpossibilityofmeandDanieluntiljustnow.Notreally.Iknewfundamentallythatitcouldneverwork.Thedistancealone.Butnowtheincompatibilityofourlivesglaredfromeveryangle.Fromabove,below,andbeyond.
Danielwantedtomeetmyparents,likeanyboyfriendwould.ButDanielcouldneverbeatatablewithmyparents.Notinamillionyears.
Mydadwouldn’tjustdislikehim.He’dforbidmetobewithhim.AndMomwastooweaktodisagree.
DanielwouldbemyLola.Hecouldn’tbemydatetothequasquicentennial.Hecouldn’tcometoafamilybarbequeorthebirthdaybrunchtheydidformeeveryyear.
Dadcouldn’tevenknowheexisted.Dadwouldneverbehappywithanyonewhowasn’tNeil
Iwasn’tevenallowedtobealone.MechoosingtobealoneinsteadofwithNeilwasaninsulttohisinjury.
Danielwouldbeunderconstantattackthesecondhesteppedintomyworld.Andthisdinnerjustprovedit.Itwashardenoughformetobeapartofit,andIbelongedhere.
SowhatwasthepointindraggingitonwithDaniel?Gettingmoreattached?WhatwasthepointinsayingImissyou,likethatmatteredatallinthelongrun?Briwasright.Ishouldsethimfree.Lethimfindsomeoneelsewhocouldbewithhimthewayhedeserved.Someonewhoseparentswouldbehappytomeethim—becausethesethingsmattered.Theymatteredtohimandtheymatteredtometoo.
Danielwaswonderful.Hejustwasn’twonderfulforme
Ididn’twanttogohomeafterdinner.IfeltlikeNeilknewI’dbeenambushedandasecondambushwaswaitingformewhenIwalkedinthehouse,likeheandmydadwouldhavecoordinatedtheirattacks.
SoIwenttoBri’s.
Whensheopenedthedoor,sheopenedittalking,eventhoughIhadn’ttoldherIwascoming.
“Uh,Iwasjusttextingyou,becausewhatthehellisthis?”
Sheheldoutherphonewithaphotoofatabloidmagazineonthescreen.ApictureofLolaSimoneandmybrotherwasonthecoverwiththeheadline“Secretwedding!”
Well,Iguessthat’swhyDadwassotriggeredatdinner…
Irolledmyeyes.“Atleasttheyusedagoodpictureofhim,”Imumbled.“He’llbehappy.”
Iedgedpastherintoherlivingroom.
“Soit’strue?”sheasked.“WasthistheNDAthing?”
“Yup,”Isaidtiredly,floppingontohersofa.
Shelookedatthecoveragain.“Damn.Nowonderhefledthecountry.Yourdadprobablyhasahitoutonhim.Orher.”
Itdidn’tevensurprisemethestorygotleaked.WiththewayDadhadbeenthrowingtheLolanewsaround,itwasonlyamatteroftime.Atleastthehappycouplehadgottenafewweeksofprivacybeforeithitthegossipmags.
Shetossedherphoneonthesofaandsatnexttoit.“Sowhyareyouhere?Iguessthedinnerdidn’tgowell?”
Isqueezedmyeyesshut.“MydaddisownedDerek.”
Sheblinkedatthesideofmyface.“Like,actually?”
Iletoutalongbreath.“Likeineverysenseoftheword.Derek’sdeadtohim.”
Shesatbackintothesofa.“Wow,”shebreathed.“That’ssomedieval.”
“AndIthinkIhavetogotocouple’scounselingwithNeil.”
“Eww,why?!”Shelookedhorrified.
“BecauseifIdon’t,Dad’llneverletitgo.”
Shescoffed.“He’llneverletitgoanyway.NothingshortofgettingbackwithNeilisgoingtobegoodenough.Yourdadwilljustkeepmovingthegoalpost.It’llbeall‘well,youdidn’tgolongenough’or‘youdidn’ttakeitseriouslyenough.’Yourdad’samonster.Whydon’tyoujusttellhimno?”
“Ican’t.It’lljustmakeitworseforMom.”
Itwouldmakeitworseforme.
“And?DiditeveroccurtoyouthatyourdadisjustasemotionallyabusiveasNeil?ThatmaybeyoulearnedtoputupwithNeilbecausefromtheearliestageyouweretaughtthattobelovedyouhadtoplacateanasshole?”
“He’smydad,Bri.”
Ishookmyhead,staringwearilyintotheroom.“Imagineneverseeingyourparentsagainbecauseyoufellinlovewithsomeone,”Isaidquietly.
“DoyouthinkDerekknewthiswouldhappen?”sheasked.
Inodded.“Ido.IthinkhemarriedLolaknowingexactlywhathemightbegivingup.”Iletoutabreath.“Ithinkyou’reright.IneedtostopseeingDaniel.”
Shestudiedme.“Areyouokay?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Notreally.”
Wesatinsilenceforaminute.
“Idon’treallyknowwhattosaytoyourightnowtomakeyoufeelbetter,”shesaid.“Allmyideasarescary.”
Isnorted.
“I’mserious.I’mawartimeconsigliere.AllIhaveforyouaredetailedrevengeplotsandalibis.ButI’mtellingyourightnow,ifwekillNeil,you’retheonediggingthehole.I’lllieforyouincourt,I’llhelpyoumovethebody,butIdidnotputmyselfthroughmedschooltodig.”
Ilaugheddryly.
“Bytheway,”Isaid,“Danielfinallysentmeadickpic.Areallygoodone.”
“Ooooooh,canIseeit?”
“No,definitelynot.”
Shejabbedafingeratme.“See?!Youdolikehim!Thatwasatestandyoufailed!”
“HowdidI—becauseIwon’tshowyouapenissenttomeintrust?”
“Dickpicsarecommunitypropertyunlessyou’restakingaclaimontheguywhoownsit.You’vegotalittleflagthatyoujustplantedonDaniel’speen,it’swavinginthebreezeanditsaysAlionit.”
Iwaslaughingnow.
“Youcanseealllllmydickpics.Thoseboysthrow’emaroundlike‘Andyougetapenis,andyougetapenis,andYOUgetapenis!’”
Ichokedandwebothlaughedforaminute.
ThenIsighed.“Whyiseverythingsohard?”
“Becauseyouhavetoomanyfuckstogive.”
“Ha-ha.”
“No,I’mserious.Giveupsomeofyourfucksandseehowmucheasierthingsare.You’rejustspendingallyourtimetryingtopleaseeveryoneelse,andit’smakingyoumiserable.”
Ishookmyhead.“HowamIsupposedtonotcareifmyparentseverspeaktomeagain?OrifmydadthinksI’macompletewasteofhisDNA?I’malreadytheweakestlinkinMontgomeryhistory.Ihavetogiveafuck.Ihavenochoice.”
Sheshookherhead.“Imaginebeingawhole-assdoctorandhavingyourfamilybelike,‘whyareyousodisappointing?’”
Iblewoutatightbreath.“Imean,it’snotlikeDanielwasgoingtoworkoutanyway.Everythingyousaidearlierwastrue.Ican’tmove,hecan’tmove.Mydadisjusttheicingonthecake.Endingitwasinevitable.Ijustdon’tunderstandwhyendingsomethingthathopelessfeelssoshitty.”
“Becauseit’snotonyourterms.Noneofthisis.”
Iwipedundermyeyes.
Shescoffed.“You’regonnahatesittingincouple’scounselingwithNeil.”
Igroaned.“Athousanddollarssayshehasthetherapistcompletelyfooled.”
“Youshouldmakehimgotoyours.Thatwayshecancallbullshit.”
Ipickedmyheadupandlookedather.“Youknowwhat?That’sactuallygenius.”Ismiled.“Ijustgotanidea.”
Shegrinned.“What?”
IpulledoutmyphoneanddialedNeil.
Hepickeduponthefirstring.“Ali?”
Itannoyedmehowmuchhopewasinhisvoice.
“Hi,Neil.We’regoingtodoalittletrustexercise.”
“Okay…”hesaid.
“Forthenextfourmonthsyou’regoingtoseeatherapist.Mytherapist.You.Byyourself.You’regoingtotellmyparentsthatI’mgoingwithyou—”
“WhywouldI—”
“Shhhhh!I’mtalkingandyou’relistening.I’mgoingtogiveherpermissiontotalktoyouaboutanythingI’vetalkedtoherabout,soyou’llhavealltheinsightyouneedintowhywe’renottogether.Youwilltellmyparentsthatwe’reincouple’scounseling.Andattheendofthesixteenweeks,providedyouhaven’tthrownmeunderthebustoDadandyou’vegonetoallsixteensessions—andIwillneedproofthatyou’vegonetothesesessions—Iwillagreetostartgoingtotherapywithyou.”
Hewassilentontheotherend.
“Youwantmebacksobadly,thisisyourbigchance.Andit’salsomyfinaloffer.”
Moresilence.
“Okay,”hesaid.“Yes,Iagree.Thankyou.”
“Fine.”
Ihunguponhim.
Briwaslookingatmewithwideeyes.“WOW.Maybeyou’rethewartimeconsigliere.”Sheshookherhead.“Ican’tbelieveheagreedtoit.”
“Hehadto.He’slostcontrol.Hisotherstrategiesaren’tworking,”Isaid.
“Doyouthinkhe’llactuallydoit?”sheasked.
“Ihavenoidea.I’mleaningtowardno.”
“Andifhedoes?”
Ishrugged.“ThenMomandIgetafour-monthmentalhealthbreak?AndthenIendupdoingwhatIthinkI’mgoingtoenduphavingtodoanyway,whichistopretendtoworkonourrelationship?”
Sheletoutaresignedsigh.“Oh,Ali.”
“It’llbegoodforhimifhegoes,”Isaid.“Heneedstherapy.”
“WhatheneedsisJesus.”
Ilaughed.Thenmysmilefell.
“Youknowwhat’sweird?Danielisonlytwenty-eightandhehashislifefiguredout.Shouldn’tIhavemylifefiguredoutbynow?Ishould,right?”
“Ibethislifeisn’tfiguredouteither.Nobody’sis.Ithoughtminewas,andlookhowthatturnedout.”
Ipeeredoverather.Shewaslookingatherhand,twistingaringaroundherpinkyfinger.
“Areyoudoingokay?”Iasked.
Sheshrugged.“Defineokay.Benny’sgettingworse.Ican’tdoanythingtohelphim.Mymarriagehasfailed,andIcan’tevenfindaguydecentenoughtohavecasualsexwith.I’mboredandaloneallthetime,livinginmymom’scrappyhouse.”
Shewentquietforamoment.“Ijustwantoneofustobehappy.Whycan’twebehappy?”
Isighed.“Whatdoeshappyevenlooklike,Bri?Ifallinlineanddowhat’sexpectedofme,giveupDaniel,butIgettokeepmyfamily?OrIgiveitallup,becometheshameoftheMontgomerylegacy,losemydad,devastatemymom,butIgettheboyIlike?Whichoneishappy?”
Sheshrugged.“It’seasy.It’swhicheveroneyoucan’tlivewithout.”Shelookedatmeearnestly.“ButI’llbethereforeitherscenario.I’llalwaysbethere.”
Istudiedherfacegratefully.
Briwasamazing.Shedidn’tdeservewhathappenedwithherexorwhatwashappeningwithherbrother.Shedeservedeverythingandmore.
“MaybeweshouldbothquitRoyaume,”Isaid.
Shelaughed.“Quitmentoo.MoveintogetherandstartaYouTubechannelwherewedaydrinkandratebread.”
Ilaughedandleanedoverandhuggedher.“Iloveyou,”Iwhispered.
“Iloveyoutoo,”shesaidwithherchinovermyshoulder.“ButI’mstillnotdiggingthehole.”Chapter27
Alexis
WhenI’dseenNeilthismorninginthekitchen,hetriedtodothethingwhereheputsatenderknuckletomycheek,likemycounselingofferwassomemeaningfulmomentofforgivenessfromme.IsmackedhishandoffmeandgrabbedtheKeurigfromthekitchen,marchedittomybedroom,andlockedthedoor.
Ihadtocomebackdownaminutelatertoshovecoffeepodsintothepocketsofmyrobe,sothegesturelostalittlemomentum,butIthinkthemessagewasprettyclear.Ifhewantedtotalk,hecouldtalktomeinfourmonthsafterhe’djumpedthroughallmyhoops—whichIhalfexpectedhimtonotdo.ButatleastitwouldgetDadoffmybacklong
Nowitwasalmostseveno’clockanddarkalready,andIwastwentyminutesawayfromWakan.
I’dlostapatienttoday.
Ilostpatientsallthetime.ItwasthenatureoftheworkIdid.Butthisonebotheredmemorethanusual.
Ifelteerilynumbafterward,likeI’dofficiallyhitmycapacitytoprocesscrappythings.Thedinnerwithmyparents,Derek’sdisownment,decidingtoenditwithDaniel—itwasalltoomuch.Ihopedtheemotionaldisconnectlasted.IjustwantedtogetthroughmylastnightwithDanielinonepieceanduglycrywhenIgothome.
IlistenedtoLola’sfifthalbumonthewaydown.Itwassad.ThewholethingremindedmeofJewel’ssong“FoolishGames.”MademewonderwhatLolahadbeengoingthroughwhenshewroteit.
SometimesItriedtolineupheralbumswithwhatIcouldfindaboutheronline.Therewasarumorshehadbeendatingoneofherbackupdancersaroundthetimesherecordedthis.Maybeithadtodowithhim.
IthinkLolahadahardlife.Ihopeditwaseasierwithmybrotherinit.Ibetitwas.No—Iknewitwas.BecauseIknewhowmuchmybrothermustloveher,andwhenmybrotherlovedsomeone,hediditwithallofhimself.
Ihadn’ttalkedtoDereksinceheleft.Therewasatwelve-hourtimedifferencewithCambodia,andhewasinaruralpartofthecountrywherephoneaccesswashard.ButIcouldfeelmybrother,andIknewhecouldfeelme.Iwassendinghimandhiswifesomuchlove.
IfDereksaidLolawasworthy,shewas.Simpleasthat.HiswordwasallIneeded.Iwisheditwasthatwayforourdad,thatIcouldjustshowupwithsomeonelikeDanielandDadwouldknowimmediatelythathemustbeexceptionalifI’vebroughthimhome.
Butmyfatherdidn’tmeasurepeoplethatway.
ItwasfunnythatsomeoneashorribleasNeilcouldhaveDad’srespect,andsomeoneasgoodasDanielneverwould.AllbecauseDanieldidn’thavetherighteducationorjoborfamily.
Mybrotherwasacautionarytale.Notaboutdisobeyingmyfather.Butaboutfallinginlovewithsomeonehedidn’tapproveof,thatmadedisobeyinghimnecessary.
WhenIgottotheGrantHouse,Danielwaswaitingformeoutsidelikehealwaysdid.Hedidn’thaveChloe.She’dgonebacktothefarmyesterdaysinceshewasoffthebottle.
Changewasinevitable.Onlytodayitmademedeeply,deeplysad.
Isatinmycarforamomentlongerthanusualjusttotakeitin—becauseitwasthelasttimeDanielandHunterwouldbewaitingforme.
WhenIgotout,Hunterplowedintome,thenDanielcameatmewiththesameenergy,wrappingmeinoneofhisbigbearhugs.Theywerebothalwayssoexcitedtoseeme.
Neilhadnevergreetedmelikethis.Maybeitwasamaturitything.IrememberedwhatBrisaidaboutmenbeingpuppiesatthisage,anditfelttrue.DanielhadthispurehappinessabouthimeverytimeIshowedup.
Iclosedmyeyesandbreathedinandjustmeltedintohiskiss.
Hepulledawayenoughtolookatme.“Youreadyfordinner?”heasked.“Ithoughtwecouldwalkover.It’sanicenight.”
Ipeeredupathissmilingfaceandsniffled.“Yeah.Let’swalk.”
Hetiltedhishead.“What’swrong?”
Ishookmyhead.“Nothing.”
Hepeeredatme,hiswarmhazeleyeslookingintomysoul.“Itdoesn’tfeellikenothing.”
“Ilostapatienttoday.”
Hishandsomebrowsdrewdown.“Whathappened?”
Ipausedamoment.“Itwasaseventeen-year-old.Hiskayakflipped.Nolifejacket.”
Danielstudiedmewordlessly.
“Youknowwhat’ssodangerousaboutdrowning?”Isaid,lookingupathim.“It’ssilent.Sounlesssomeone’spayingcloseattentiontoyou,noonesavesyou.”
Hebrushedmyhairoffmyforehead.“Iseeyou.Iwouldsaveyouifyouweredrowning.”
Itwassweet,buthewouldn’t.BecauseIwasn’tdrowningherewithhim.Iwasdrowningtwohoursawayfromhere,alone.
“Let’sgoeat,”Isaid,changingthesubject.
Henodded.“Okay.LetmejustputHunterinside,andwe’llgetgoing.”
AfewminuteslaterweturnedontothebiketrailthatwenttoMainStreet,andDanielthreadedhisfingersinmine.
“Sohowwasyourday?”Iasked,wantingtotalkaboutanythingthatwasn’tme.
“Well,let’ssee,”hesaid,talkingtothetrailaheadofus.“HunterateaChapStick.KevinBacongotoutagain.Thistime,helethimselfintothepharmacyandateallthecandybarsbytheregister.ScaredthecrapoutofMrs.Pearson.”
Ilaughedweakly.“Dougisn’tgoingtoeathim,ishe?”
Heshookhishead.“No.Doug’savegetarian.”
Iwrinkledmyforehead.“Really?”
“Yup.Doesn’tdrinkeither.KevinBaconhasalonglifeoffrighteningthevillagersaheadofhim.”
Ilaughed.
“ThenIspentsometimedownbytheriver,”hesaid.
“Swimming?”
“No.Toocoldstill.Iwaslookingforsomethingforyou,actually,”hesaid,lettinggoofmyhandtodiginhispocket.
Hepulledoutsomethingandputitinmypalm.Itwasarockaboutthesizeofawalnut,smoothandgray.
“It’sshapedlikeaheart,”hesaid.“Tookmetwohourstofindit.”
Myheartdisintegrated.Itbrokefromtheinsideoutandcrumbledinmychest.
Ilovedit.IloveditmorethanI’deverlovedanything.
Itwasn’tflashy.Itcosthimnothingbuthistime—butthatwasthegift.Danieldidn’thavetime.Thatwashismostvaluablecommodityrightnow,andhe’dgivenittofindmethis?
Itmademychinquiver.Itfeltlikethesweetestthinganyonehadeverdoneforme,whichwasridiculousbecauseitwasjustarock.
WhenIdidn’tsayanything,hespoke.“I’msorry.It’sdumb.Ithoughtyoumight—”
“Iloveitsomuch.IloveitsomuchIdon’tevenknowwhattosay.”Iblinkedupathimwithtearsinmyeyes.
Helookedalmosthopeful.“Youlikeit?Really?”
“Iloveit.Thankyou.”
Thisgentle,thoughtful,sweetboy.
Ireachedupandhuggedhim,andhefoldedaroundmelikehealwaysdid.Onlytherewassomethingalmostrootedabouthisarmsthistime,likehewastryingtokeepmefromdriftingoff.
Orsinking.
Iwasalwaysgoingtokeepthisgift.EvenifImarriedsomeoneelse.IwouldkeepituntilthedayIdied.
Ihadaneeriepremonitionofrelativesgoingthroughmybelongingsaftermyfuneral,justlikewe’ddoneafewweeksagoforAuntLil.They’dfindthisrockandwonderwhyitwasinthesingleshoeboxI’dtakenwithmetotheretirementhome.
IwonderedhowmanyofthelittletrinketsI’dfoundinAuntLil’sboxwerelikethis.Theremnantsofsmallmomentsinherlifethatstayedwithherforever.Proofofathumbprintonhersoul.
It’samazinghowsomeonecantouchyou,evenifyouonlyknowthemforamomentintime.Howtheycanchangeyou,alteryouindelibly.
Danielhadalteredme.Iwasalreadybetterforknowinghim.Whichmadeleavinghimallthemorebitter.
Ipulledawayandwipedatmyeyes,andDaniellookedatmegentlybeforetakingmyhandagain.
WhenwegottotheVFW,therewasasignoutfrontthatsaidCLOSEDFORPRIVATEPARTY.Danielstoppedmeatthedoor.“Okay,soIneedtowarnyouaboutsomething.”
“What?”
“Iwasn’ttotallyhonestgettingyouhere.Theywantedmetokeepitasecret.There’salittlethinginthereforyou.”
Ipulledmyfaceback.“Whatthing?”
Hedidn’tanswerme.Hejustopenedthedoorandledmeinside.
Theplacewaspacked.Itlookedlikestandingroomonly.Andwhentheysawmecomein,everyonestartedtocheerandclap.
Abigsignhungoverthebar:THANKYOU,DR.ALEXIS
Iblinkedattheroomwithmyhandsovermymouth.“Daniel,whatisthis?”
Liz,Doreen,Doug,Pops—everyonewashere.
ThenEmeliaandHannahcutthroughthecrowd.Hannahhadthebabyinherarms,andIknewinstantlywhatthiswasabout.
Danielleaneddownandwhisperedinmyear.“Somethingaboutthecordwaswrappedaroundthebaby’sneck?Emeliahadanurseonavideocallthroughthedelivery.ShesaidyousavedLily.”
Istartedtotearup.
Igotthankedofteninmylineofwork.Butneverbyanentiretown.
Hannahsmiledatmeassheapproached,andhandswereslappingmeonthebackandpeopleweregrinningatmeandclapping.
Itfilledmeup.ItwaslikeallthethingsmydadandNeildrainedoutofme,thesepeopletriedtoputback.Theydroppedloveandappreciationandacknowledgmentintomyemptywell,onesmileandthank-youatatime.
“Wejustwantedtosaythankyou,”Hannahsaid,smiling.“Lilymightnotbehereifyoudidn’tcome.”
Iwipedundermyeyes.“Itwasmypleasuretobehere.”
“Doyouwanttoholdher?”Emeliaasked.
Isniffedandnodded.“CanI?”
Hannahleanedinandputthebabyinmyarms.Ipulledtheblanketdownandlookedherover.Shewasperfect.
Irubbedaknuckleonherlittlepinkcheek.Shewasalmosttwoweeksoldnow.She’dprobablybegettingherfirstshotssoon,andherbellybuttonscabwasgettingreadytofalloff.Shewasbigger.
Thiswastheonenegativesideofworkinginemergencyservices.Mostpatients—withtheexceptionofrepeatoffenderslikeNunchuckGuy—wereinandoutandIneversawthemagain.Ineverknewhowtheydid,iftheygotbetter,iftheygotworse.Myjobwastogetthemstableandprocessthemtothedoctortheyneededtoseetogetwell.
SometimesIdidwishIgottoseemypatientsagainandagain.Toseethemgrowup,staywiththemthroughtheirlivesandwitnessthechanges.
“Areyounursing?”IaskedHannah,talkingtoherbutsmilingatthebaby.“Ibroughtyousomeformulaifyouneedit.”
“Iamnursing,”Hannahsaid.Thensheloweredhervoice.“Actually,IwaswonderingifIcouldtalktoyouaboutthat.Myboobreallyhurtsandit’skindawarm?”Shetuggedatherbrastrapuncomfortably.
Ismiled.“Icanhavealookatit.”
Hannahlookedrelieved.“Thanks.”
IhandedLilybacktohermommies,andDanieltookmetoatablewithDougatit.Themusicstartedplaying,andthepartygotstarted.Itwasabuffetspaghettidinner,andDoreenhadmadeahugechocolatesheetcakewithThankYou,Dr.Alexisonit.Danielsatnexttomeandheldmyhandontheseatbetweenus.
Ifeltso…loved
Byallofthem.
I’dhaddinnerwithmyownparentslastnightandIdidn’tfeelthisloved.Theymademefeellikecrap,actually.
Someonebroughtmeaheapingservingofspaghettiandasalad.Danielgotmeaglassofwineandkissedmeonthesideoftheheadwhenhesatbackdown.Theroomwasalivewithlaughingandforksclinkingonplates,friendlyfaceslookingmywayandbeaming.
Jakewasinthebar.Hewaswearinghisuniformandlaughingalittletooloudwithsomeoneoverbythepooltable.Somethingabouthimrubbedmethewrongway,butIcouldn’tputmyfingeronit.
DougleanedinwhileIwaswatchingJake.“CanIaskyouaquestion?”
Iwipedmymouthwithanapkin.“Sure.”
“Whathappenedwiththedelivery?”heasked.“Theysaidthecordwaswrappedaroundherneckandyoudeliveredherright.Howdidyoudoit?”
“Isomersaultedthebabytokeepthecordfromtightening.”
“Willyoushowme?Howyoudidit?”heasked.
“Youwantmetoshowyou?”
“Yeah.Idon’tlikethatIcouldhavemessedthatup.Ifithappensagain,Iwanttoknowhowtodoit.”
Inodded.“Okay.Sure.Oh,whichremindsme,IhaveastitchkitIwanttogiveyou.”
Helitup.“Really?Akit?”
“Yeah.Nomorefishhooksandgin.”
Daniellaughedandpickedupmyhandandkissedit.
LizmadeherwayoverwithaCokeforDoug.“Anotherwine?”sheaskedme.
“No,I’mgood.Thankyou.”Ismiled.
DanielnoddedattheemptyseatnexttoDoug.“Sitwithus.”
“Can’t,I’monshift,”shesaid.“Where’sBrian?”sheasked,lookingaround.
“Onadate,”Dougsaid.“Rochester.”
Liz’ssmileinstantlyfell.“Oh.”
Daniellookedathiswatch.“Heshouldhavebeenbackalready.Mustbegoingwell.”
“Right,”Lizsaid,lookingawayfromus.“Well,letmeknowifyouguysneedanythingelse.”Hervoicehadgoneflat.
Iwatchedherwalkbacktothebar.Theguysdidn’tseemtonoticetheshift.
“DidLizandBrianeverdate?”Iasked.
Dougscoffed.“Nah.He’snothertype.Shelikesassholes,”hesaid,talkingintohissoda.
Iwatchedherwipingdownthebar,hersmilegone.
“Nobodylikesassholes,”Isaidquietly.“Sometimesthat’sjustwhatyouthinkyoudeserve.”
Afterdinner,IshowedDoughowtosomersaultadeliveryusingarolled-upsweaterbabywithaphonechargerwrappedaroundit.ThenIdidabreastexaminthebathroomandprescribedHannahantibiotics.“Prescribed”beingmetellingHal,thepharmacist,whowaseatingasliceofcakeatthenexttable,whatsheneededandhimwalkingacrossthestreettoopenthepharmacytogiveittoher.
WhenIfinished,IwentlookingforDanielandspottedhimleaningonthebartalkingtoLiz.Istoppedandwatchedhimforamomentfromacrosstheroom.
ThiswastheplaceImethim.Reallymethim.Iwassittingonthatstool.Hewasstandinginthesamespot.Onlyeverythingwasdifferentnow.
Thisplacedidn’tlooktiredandoldtomeanymore.Ididn’tevennoticethewornseatsandthemismatchedchairs.Thisbarwastheheartofthiscommunity,Irealized.Itwaswheretheycelebratedandgathered.AnditwaswhereIlearnedhisname.Touchedhimforthefirsttime.Eventhewaytheplacesmelledmademefeelnostalgicnow.
AndDanielwasn’tjustsomerandomguyinabaranymore.
Hehadbecomethebrightestlightinmylife,whatIlookedforwardtoeveryday.Themanwhospenttwohoursdownbyarivertryingtofindmetheperfectrock.
Hesawme.AndIbelievedhimwhenhesaidhewouldn’tletmedrown.
Myhearttugged.
Andtomorrowmorning,Iwoulddriveoutofthistownandnevercomeback.Iwasn’tgoingtoseehimagain.Anyofthem.
Danielturnedandlookedforme,andwhenhisgazemetmine,helitup.Oneofhisadorable,dimpledgrins,hishazeleyescreasingatthecorners.
Myheartcrackedrightdownthemiddle.
Hepushedoffthebar,closedthedistancebetweenus,andslippedhisarmsaroundmywaist.Iwassoproudtobethewomanherewithhimtonight.Tobehisdate,theonehechose.Itwasanhonor.Notbecausehewasthemayororthemosthandsomeguyintheroombutbecausehewasthebestpersonintheroom.
“Readytogohome?”heasked.
Ihadtomuscledownthelumpinmythroat.
No.Iwasn’treadytogohome.ButI’dhaveto.
Wesaidgood-byetoeveryoneandstartedthewalkback.
Beforeweleft,DanielhadwalkedmearoundtheVFW,showingmetheyellowingarticlesframedonthewallswithstoriesofhisfamily’scontributionstothetown.TherewastheSpanishflusaveandtheProhibitionstoryhe’dalreadytoldmeabout.Thentherewasanewspaperclipping,printedbytheWakanGazette,aboutDaniel’sgreat-grandfatherJohn,whostartedahumanchaintoleadchildrenoutoftheschoolhousetosafetyduringthedeadly1940ArmisticeDayBlizzard.Hiswife,HelenGrant,usedtheGrantHouse’slargewood-firedovenandbakedoffahundredloavesofbreadandsentitwithherhusbandviasleighalongwithmedicalsuppliesandfirewoodtoeveryhouseintown.Neitherofthemsleptforthreedays.SurvivorsrecountedtearsofjoyasJohnarrivedwiththecarepackages.Wakandidn’tloseoneperson.
TherewasanarticleaboutDaniel’sgrandfatherWilliam,whocametotherescuein1975whenafast-movingwildfirethreatenedtoburndownthetown.HecoordinatedaresponseteamandworkedthroughthenighttocreateafirebreakthatsavedthetownbeforetheblazereachedWakan.Linda,Daniel’sgrandmother,tookchargeoftheevacuationeffortsandensuredeveryonemadeittosafety.TheGrantswerethelastpeopletoleave.
AftertheF2tornadoof1991,WilliamandLindaGrantsetupageneratorandasoupkitchenintheVFWtomakesureeveryonewasfedduringthecleanup.Thentheyadvocatedandwonwhenthecountywantedtodivertthehighwayinamovethatwouldhavedecimatedthesummertourism.Theykeptthetowncleanandproudandsafe.TheywereWakan’sfirstandlastlineofdefense,inallthings.
Therewasstoryafterstory.
TheGrantsweregroundskeepers,Irealized.Humbleroyalty.TheytendedtoWakananditspeoplewiththesamecarethatDanieltendedhisgardenandhishouse.Itwasbredintohim,likemedicinewasbredintome.Hiskingdomwassmallerandhislegacywasdifferent,buthewastiedtohisbirthrightjustlikeIwastiedtomine.
Itwasfunnytothinkthatforthelasthundredandtwenty-fiveyearsourtwofamilieshadexistedatthesametime,doingthesamethingstheyweredoingnow.TheGrantsgavetheirlivestoWakanandtheMontgomerysgavetheirstoRoyaume.
IbetabandoninghiscallingneveroncecrossedDaniel’smind.
IfeltguiltywishingIwasn’twhoIwas.IknewtheimportanceoftheMontgomerylegacy.IknewwhatIcoulddowithit,howmanypeopleitsaved,andhowmuchdifferenceitmadeinthelivesofthoseitserved.ButIwisheditwasn’tmine.Iwisheditbelongedtosomeonewhoknewhowtouseit.Ididn’t,andsoIcouldn’thonoritthewayIknewIshould.
Everyonewouldbewaitingformetobecomesomethingexceptional,dosomethinghuge,makemymark.AndIhadnoideahow.
IhadafeelingIneverwould.
“Hey,youwanttoseesomething?”Danielasked,breakingintomythoughts.
“Sure.”
Wecutthroughtheparknexttotheriverandstoppedatastatueofamaninthemiddleofthesquare.Danielnoddeduptoit.“Thisismygreat-great-great-grandfather.Hefoundedthetown.”
Ilookedupattheregalbronzefigure.TheplaqueunderitsaidJOSEPHGRANT
TheresemblancetoDanielwaseerilystrong.Thesamekindeyesandsteadygaze.
Danielstoodthere,peeringupatit,andIstudiedthesideofhisface.
Danielhadtobeherewhenthetownneededhim.Eventually,hewouldbeneeded,justlikealltheGrantsbeforehim.Becausehardshipwasinevitable,andnobodycaredmoreforWakanthanthisfamily.That’swhythey’dalwaysrisentotheoccasion.Andthat’swhyonealwayshadtobehere.
Hehadtobehere.Andhehadtobeinthathouse.
Iknewinmysoulthat’spartofwhatgavehimstrengthtodowhathehadtodo.AMontgomeryworkinginanyotherhospitalwouldstillbeaMontgomery,butitweakenedus,madeourinfluencethinner.IhadtobeatRoyaume,andhehadtobewithinGrantHouse.
IwastalkingbeforeIevenhadachancetothinkaboutwhatIwassaying.“Ifyouneedthemoney,Icanloanittoyou,”Isaid.
Heturnedtomeanddrewhisbrowsdown.“What?”
“Thefiftythousanddollars.Icanloanittoyou.”
Heblinkedatme.“Youhavethatkindofmoney?”heasked.
Inodded.“Yeah.Ido.”
Anditwouldn’tbealoan.Itwouldbeagift.Apartinggift.
IfheknewIdidn’twantitback,hewouldn’tacceptit.Hewastoohonorable.ButIwantedtodothisforhim.
MaybethiswasthereasonI’ddriventhroughthistownallthoseweeksago.Thereasonaraccoonranmycarofftheroadandahandsomestrangerhadrescuedme.MaybePopeyewasrightaboutthetowngettingwhatitneeded.AnditneededDaniel.Icouldn’tstandtoseehimlosehiscastle,andIcouldmakesurehedidn’t.Iwasprobablytheonlypersonherewhocould.
Butheshookhishead.“Alexis,Iappreciatetheoffer.Ireallydo.ButIcan’t.”
“Why?You’reworkingsohard.Ihavethemoney.Letmehelpyou.”
Heletoutalongbreathandlookedawayfromme.Whenhiseyescamebacktomine,theyweresteady.“You’renotabank,Alexis.”Heclosedthegapbetweenusandslippedhisarmsaroundmywaist.“Butthankyouforoffering.Itmeansalotthatyoudid.”
Ishookmyhead.“TherewerepeoplewhohelpedmetogettowhereIam,andnowIcanhelpyou.Iwishyouwouldletme.”
Buthisfacewasresolved.
Ipressedmylipstogether.“Promisemeifyoucan’traisethemoneythatyou’llletmeloanittoyou.Don’tloseyourhouse.”
Heletoutaresignedbreath.Thenhenodded.“Okay.Ipromise.”
ButIknewhewouldn’t.Hewouldn’tbecausehewouldn’ttakeanythingfrommeifweweren’ttogether.
Andaftertodaywewouldn’tbe.
Hehuggedme.Thenhestartedlaughingalittle.
Ipulledaway.“What?”
Heshookhishead.“It’snothing.It’sjustIofferedyouarockandyouofferedmefiftythousanddollars.”
Isnorted.
“Comeon.”Hechuckled.
Hethreadedhishandinmine,andwestrolledoutoftheparkontothemoonlitbiketrailleadingtotheGrantHouse.
Thenightwasbeautiful.Thewalkwaslinedwithappletreesinfullblossom.Whiteflowersinthethousandsarchedoverthepathandensconcedusintheirlightfragrance.Itwasgorgeousandsurreal.Wemadeourwayslowly,lookingup,ourhandsclaspedbetweenus.
Danielstopped.“Hey,lookatthat.”
Henoddedtoabreakinthetreesatthefullmoon,framedbetweencloudyapplebranches.Itlookedbiggerthanusual.Closer.Istaredupatit,andawarmbreezerolledthroughthecanopyandloosenedasnowstormofpetalsthatdrifteddownaroundus.
Itwasliketheuniversehaddippedasnowglobe.Onlythepetalsdidn’tfall.Theyfloatedlikedustmotes.Flowerfairies,twinklinginthemoonlight.
“Doyouseethis?”Isaidwithwonder
Danielwaslookingaround,hismouthopen.“It’slike…magic.”
Itwasgentleandetherealandsoft,andtheyhoveredaroundus,movinginslowmotion.Danielputupafingertotouchone,andthedisturbedairswirledthepetalslikesnowflakesinaflurry.
“Haveyoueverseenanythingsoperfectlybeautiful?”Ibreathed.
IturnedtoDaniel.Buthewasn’twatchingthepetalsanymore.Hewaslookingatme.“Yes…”hesaidquietly,holdingmyeyes.“You.”
Thenheslippedwarmhandsontomycheeks,andinfrontofthemoonandtheheavensandthemagicthatwasswirlingaroundus,hekissedme.
Theworldstoppedturning.
Weweresuspendedinfrozenanimation.Amomentsoperfectitcouldn’tbereal.
AndIrealizedthenthatitwastoolate.
Iwasintoodeep.Thetimetowalkawayhadended.Ithinkitwasoverthemomentitbegan.
WakanandDanielwereplantedinsideofmeandtheyweregrowingthere,likeagardenburstingintolife.Rootsplungingandanchoringme,vinestwistingandflowerspushingfromtheearthandbloominginmysoul,fillingmeup.
AndIneverwantedtoleave.
Forgetwantingtoendthings.Icouldn’tevenpicturegettinginmycartomorrowtodrivehome.Everythingthatwasn’tthisfelthollowandmeaningless.Icouldn’tbetheonetoendit.
Itwouldhavetobehim.
I’dhavetotellhimthatthiswasadeadendandlethimdecideifhewantedtostaythecourse.IdecidedthisallinasplitsecondofDaniel’slipsonmymouth,everythingchanged.
Hebrokeawayfromthekiss,breathless,andlookedatmewithhishazeleyes.Helickedhislips,andhismouthpartedlikehewasabouttosaysomething—andthenscreechingwheelssnappedusoutofthemoment.Apolicecruiserhadskiddedtoahaltattheendoftheblockdiagonalfromus.
Thepetalsturnedtostonesandtheyfell.
Lizwasinthepassengerseat.Jakehadthebackofherheadbythehair.
Mystomachplummeted.
Wewatchedinhorrorasheshovedhersidewaysbythenapeofherneck,flunghisdooropen,andstormedaroundtothepassengersideofthecar.Heyankedheroutbythearm,andshefellhardonherknees.“Fuckingwalkhome,”hegrowled,jerkingheruptoherfeetanddragginghertothesideoftheroad.
Hepushedherintothecurbandleftherthere.
Itwasoverinlessthanthirtyseconds,andbythetimehewaspeelingout,wewerealreadyrunning.
Danielflewtoherside.“Liz!”Hegatheredherupasthesoundofwheelsonasphaltfadedintothedistance.
Shetrembledalmostuncontrollably,chokingonhersobs.
“Letmehavealook,”Isaid,crouchinginfrontofher.
Danielshookhishead.“JesusChrist,Liz.He’sgonnafuckingkillyou.”Hisvoicecracked.
“He’sdonethisbefore?”Iasked.
Lizcouldn’tanswer.Shewastryingtocatchherbreath.ButDanielmadeeyecontactwithmeandgavemealookthattoldmeeverythingIneededtoknow.
OfcourseJakehaddonethisbefore.
BeforeNeilIhadn’tknownaboutthekindofabusethatcouldbewhispered.ButIknewaboutthis.
Isawthisallthetime.Everyday.ItcameinandoutofmyER.Andsometimestheambulancesdidn’tbringpatients.Theybroughtbodies.
IgaveLizaquickonce-over.Shehadroadrashonherkneesandalittlegravelinthepalmsofherhands.Iflexedherwristsforpain.Shedidn’thaveany.Ineededtogetherhometocleanherwounds.
“Daniel,Ineedtogetherbacktoyourhouse.Shouldwepickuphercar?”
“Shedoesn’thaveone.”Danielstoodanddraggedahandthroughhishair.“I’mcallingthepoliceinRochester.”
Lizsnappedoutofherhysteriainasplitsecond.“No!Daniel,youcan’t!”
Heshookhisheadather.“Liz,enough.He’snevergonnastop,wehavetodosomething.”
Shelookedpanicked.“Ijustneedtogohome.Hedidn’tdoanything.Hewasmad,buthedidn’tdoanything.”
Idippedmyheadtolookherintheeye.“Liz,you’rebleeding.Wewerehereforthewholething.Wecantellthemwhatwesaw.”
Shelookedatme,hereyeswide.“Ifell.Ifellgettingoutofthecar.That’sall.Hedidn’thitme.Ijustfelloutofthecarwhenhewashelpingmeout.”
Iwantedtoputmyfaceinmyhands.
“Isthereanywhereforyoutogo?”Iwhispered.
Herchestwasrisingandfallinglikeshewasridingtheedgeofhysteria.“No,”shesaid.“Hewouldfindme.”
WewalkedLizbacktoGrantHouse.Icleanedherupandcheckedherovermorethoroughly.Shehadfadingbruisesonherleftarmintheshapeofahandprint.Probablyfromaweekorsoago.Ahealingcutonherneck.OneofDoug’sfishhooksutures?Shemusthavebeenprettydesperatetolethimsewherupinsuchasensitiveareawithoutlidocaine.Butgoingtoanurgentcarewouldmeanquestionsandapapertrail.
Ididn’tevenneedtoseeonetoknowwhatanX-raywouldshowme.Healedfractures.BonessetwrongornotatallbecauseshewasafraidtogototheER—orJakewas.Hewouldn’twanttheretobeevidence.
IgavehersomeAdvilandweputherinthelivingroomwithsomeicepacksforherknees.Thenwewenttomakehersometea.
Assoonaswewerealoneinthekitchen,Danielwipedahanddownhismouth.“Weneedtocallthepolice.”
“Aretherecamerasonthatstreetcorner?”Iwhispered.“DoesJakewearabodycam?”
Heshookhishead.“No…”
Ipressedmylipsintoaline.“She’snotgoingtobeawillingparticipant,Daniel.Youcallthepoliceandyouknowwhatshe’sgoingtotellthem?Thatshefell.Thathenevertouchedher.It’llbeourwordagainsthers.”
IcouldseebyhisdefeatedexpressionthatheknewIwasright.Heshookhishead.“He’sgoingtokillher.Thisshit’sbeengoingonforyears.It’sonlygettingworse.Shewon’tletushelpher,shewon’tgotothepolice.Shefuckingdefendshim,likeshedeservesit,”hewhispered.“Whythehellisshelikethis?”
“Shehasbatteredwomen’ssyndrome.It’sacycleofabuse,andit’sgoingtobeveryhardforhertobreak,especiallywithhercircumstances.Jakehasallthepower,”Isaidquietly.“He’smadesureofit.Shedoesn’thaveacaroranywheretogo.Heprobablykeepsallthemoney.Shemaythinkthepolicewon’tdoanythingbecausehe’sasheriff.Andshemightevenberightaboutthat.”
Ilookedhimintheeye.“BelievemewhenItellyouthatthere’snothingyoucansaytohertomakeherleaveifshe’snotready.Ifyouforceherintogoing,she’llonlycomeback,andwhenshecomesback,it’llbeworse.Andifhecatchesherleaving…”Ishookmyhead.“Themostdangeroustimeinanabusiverelationshipiswhenyouleave,becausewhenyoudo,theabuserhaslostcontrol.”
Hestudiedme.“Whatdowedo?”heasked.
“Giveherawaytoescape.Money,acar,aplacetogo.Sowhenshe’sreadytoleave,shecanreallyleave.”
Henodded.“Okay.Okay,Icandothat.”
“Weneedtogetheracellphone.OneJakedoesn’tknowshehas,soshecanGoogleresources,lookforanapartmentoralawyer.Shecankeepitinthesafeatwork.Hecannotknowwe’rehelpingher.Ifhethinksanyoneelseisinvolved,he’llmakehercutties.Hemightmakeherquitherjobsohecanfurtherisolateher,alienateherfromherfriends.Wecanhelpher,Daniel.Wecansetherupandgiveherallthetools.Butwecan’tsaveherunlessshe’sreadytosaveherself.”
ButIcouldtellfromthelookinhiseyesthatshewasn’t.
Andhedidn’tknowifsheeverwouldbe.
IdroveLizhome.Neitherofuswantedtotakeher,butwhenwerefusedtodriveher,shestartedtowalk,andshewasinpain.IgotthesensesheneededtotalkandwouldbemoreopenwithmethanDaniel,soIdidn’tlethimcome.
LizandIpulledupinfrontofhertinyhouse.Thelightswereoff,andthecruiserwasn’tinthedriveway.ShesaidJakeworkeduntilmidnight,soweweren’texpectinghim.
“Canwejustparkforasecond?”sheasked.“I’mnotreadytogointhere.Ijustneedafewmoreminutes.”
Shewascalmernow.She’dcleanedupherfaceandstoppedcrying,butshewasstillvisiblyshaken.“Ineedtosmoke.”
Wewentoutsideandsatonthecurb.
IknewJakewasn’tcoming,andhe’dlikelymaintainhisgoodguyfa?adeinfrontofmeevenifhedid,butIkeptcheckingthestreetforpolicelightsanyway.ItwasthefirsttimeinmylifeIwasactuallyscaredofseeingthem.
Lizpulledoutasmashed-inpackofMarlborosfromherjacketpocket.Shemusthavefallenonit.Whensheopenedit,loosetobaccospilledout.Shepickedthroughituntilshefoundtheleastdamagedcigarette,putittoherlips,andlititwithshakinghands.“Idon’tnormallysmoke,”shesaid.“Carlleftthemonthebar.NowIcan’tstop.”
Pickingupunhealthyhabitstocopewithabusewasn’tunusual.I’ddoneitmyself.IdiditeverytimeIwokeupbeforeNeiltoputmakeupon.Icouldn’tevenimaginewhatelseIwouldhavedonetoescapemyrealityifIhadn’tescapeditinperson.
Lizstaredoutintothenight.“HedraggedmeoutoftheVFWparkinglot,”shesaid.
“Whathappened?”
Sheblewsmoke,holdingherelbowbythehand.“Itwasdumb.It’salwaysdumb.”Shesniffed.“ItwasaboutBrian.”
“Brian?”
“Hejust…hehasthisthingwithBrian.It’sthisstupidthing,andhecan’tletitgo.”
“Whatthing?”
Shetookalongdragonhercigaretteandblewitoutshakily.“Wekissedonce,whenwewerefifteen?MeandBrian?”Shelookedoveratmeandchewednervouslyonthesideofherthumb.“Spinthebottle.Butyou’dthinkwehadsomesteamyaffairbythewayJakeacts.”Sheashedhercigarette.“Afteryouguysleft,Isaidsomethingabouthimbeingsmarttoopenthedrive-intosupplementhisincome,anditwentfromthere.”
Ilickedmylips.“Liz,Iwanttotellyousomething.SomethingIwishpeoplewouldhavetoldmeonce.”
Shelookedoveratme,waiting.
Iheldhereyes.“Ibelieveyou.Icanhandleanythingyouneedtotellme.Youdon’tneedtoprotectmefromthetruthandI’mheretohelpyouinanywayIcan.It’snotyourfault.Andyoudon’tdeserveit.”
Isawthewordscrashoverher.Herchinquivered.
Therewassomuchpowerinthosewords,Irealized.IwonderedhowmuchsoonerIwouldhavefoundthestrengthtoleaveifsomeonehadbeensayingthosethingstomewhenIneededtohearit—andI’dbelievedthem.
Iwenton.“Whenyou’rereadytoleave,wewillhelpyou.”
Shesatquietforamoment.“Ican’t,”shewhispered.“There’snoway.”
“Iknowitfeelslikethat.Trustme,Ido.Butyoucan,andyouwill.Starttakingthestepsnow.”
Idippedmyheadtolookather.“Areyouonbirthcontrol?”
He’dgetherpregnanttotrapher.Makehermoredependentonhim.Andshe’dneverbeinmorephysicaldangerthanshewouldbewhenpregnant.
Sheshookherhead.“No.Hewon’tletme.”Shesniffed.“IaskedHalifhecouldgetmethepill,buthesaidhecan’tdoitwithoutaprescription.ThatifJakefoundouthe’dgethislicenserevoked.Ican’tgetawayforthreehourstoseeadoctorinRochester.Jakealwaysgoeswithme,andheneverletsmegoinalone.EverymonthIprayformyperiod—”
“Icanprescribesomethingforyou.”
Sheletoutashakybreaththroughhernose.“Thankyou.”
“Liz,I’dlikeyourpermissiontofileapolicereport.”
Shejerkedawayfromme.“What?No!”
“Yes.Youshouldhavesomethingonrecord.Youdon’tneedtohaveanythingtodowithit.Youcansayyoudidn’tknow.”
Sheshookherheadatme,incredulous.“Andwhatdoyouthinkthisisgoingtoaccomplish?”
“They’llinvestigate—”
“Andthenwhat?”shesnapped.“He’sgetsfiredandgetstwenty-fourhoursinjailbeforetheylethimoutagain?AndnowI’mmorefuckedthanIalreadyam?He’llblameme.Ialreadyworktwojobs,webarelypaythebills,andatleastwhenhe’satworkIgetabreak.Don’t.”
Hereyesbeggedme.
“Please,”shesaid.“Iknowhe’llapologize.Iknowhefeelsbad.Healwaysregretsit.Promisemeyouwon’t,Alexis.”
Ilookedather,myeyessad.
IfIfiledareportagainstherwishes,shewouldnevercometomewithanotherinjury.Shewouldn’tfeelsafegoingtoanyone.Andshewasright.Jakewouldblameherfortheinvestigation,evenifshehadnothingtodowithit.
JakewaslikeNeil.Hecouldn’tacceptresponsibilityforhimself.Itwouldmakethingsworseforher,andtherewouldbenoresolutionanywayifshewasn’tgoingtocooperate.Buttheideaofnotcallingthepolicemademefeellikeanaccomplicetohiscrime.Ididn’twanttobeabystandertothis,andIdidn’tknowwhattodo.
“Okay,”Isaid.“Iwon’tcall.ButI’dlikeyourpermissiontodocumenteverythingthatIsaw.Letmetakepicturesofyourinjuries.AndIwantyoutowritedownwhathe’sdone.”
“No—”
Iputupahand.“Iwon’tgiveittoanyone.Ipromise.Butyouneedtohavethis.Youmightwantitoneday.WedocumenttonightandthenIwantyoutokeepadiaryofanythinghedoesfromthispointon.Anything.Ifhepunchesawallorbreakssomething,takeapictureifyourphoneissafeandsendittome.Thendeleteit.Ifhemakesathreat,youwriteitdown.Hehurtsyou,youwriteitdown.Andwritedownanythingelsethatyouremember,asfarbackasyoucan.YoucanleaveitatDaniel’s,we’llkeepitsafe.Itcouldhelpyouincourt.”
Shestudiedmeforamoment,likeshewasdecidingifshecouldtrustme.
“Okay,”shesaidreluctantly.“I’lldoit.”
Wesattherequietlyforafewminuteswhileshesmoked.Thenshestubbedouthercigaretteandputherchinonherknees.
“Whataboutyourfamily?”Iasked.“Dotheyknow?”
Shelaugheddryly.“Theywouldn’tevenbelieveitifItoldthem.Theylovehim.Everytimewegohome,hebringsmymomflowers.Fixesthehotrodwithmydad.”Shepausedforamomentandwipedhercheek.“Iwasn’talwayslikethis,youknow.Ididn’tgrowupseeingthis.Iknowtheysayifyouseeabuseitmakesyoumorelikelytoacceptit,butmyparentswereinlove.Mydaddidn’tevenspankus.Allmysistersareingoodmarriages.Mybrotherdoesn’tdothis.It’ssoembarrassing.Ifeellikesuchafailure.”Shechokedonthelastword.“Likeiftheyknew,they’dthinkIbroughtitonmyselforsomething,becausewhyelsewouldJakeloseitonme?”
“Yeah,well.Iknowaboutthat,”Isaidquietly.
Shelookedoveratme.“Yourboyfriendhityou?”
“Hewasemotionallyabusive.Hestillis.”
Sheshookherhead.“But…butyou’resosmart…”
Iscoffed.Asifsmarthasanythingtodowithit.
Idraggedaloosehaironmycheekwithafingerandstaredoutintothestreet.“Isawthisdocumentaryonatsunamionce,”Isaid.“Whenit’scoming,itpullsthewaterawayfromthebeach.Pullsitlowerthansealevelsotheoceanfloorisexposed.Youcanseeallthesandandshellsandcoral,sopeoplegointolookatit.Andthenthetidalwavecomes,andit’stoolatetorun.Italreadyhasyou.”
Ilookedherintheeye.“Theylureyouin.Theymakeyoufeellikeyou’rethebestthingtoeverhappentothem,likeyou’rethemostspecialwomanintheworld—likeyou’reseeingsomethingrare.Butthat’sthetrap.It’showtheygetyoucloseenoughtodrownyou.AndLiz?Nobodycansaveyouuntilyou’rereadytosaveyourself.”Chapter28
Daniel
Iwaitedforherontheporch.Whenherheadlightsturnedintothedriveway,Ijoggeddownthestepstomeether.
Shelookedexhaustedassheclimbedoutofthecarinthelightofthefloodlamp.
“She’shome,”shesaid,standingwithmeinfrontofhercar.Theenginetickedandheatcameoffthegrille,radiatingintomylegs.“Wesatonthecurbuntilshewascalmenoughtogobackinside.Sheletmetakesomepicturesoftheinjuries,butshestillwon’tletmecallthepolice.”
Ireachedoutandputahandonherarm.“Areyouokay?”
“I’mfine.”Shehuggedherarmsaroundherself.“Daniel,weneedtotalk.”
Mystomachdropped.
“Okay.Aboutwhat?”
“Let’sgoinside.Talkinyourroom.”
Ifollowedherupthespiralstaircasetomyloft,myheartpounding.Thiswasn’tgood.Iknewitwasn’tgood.Nothinggoodevercomesoutof“weneedtotalk.”
Whenwegotinside,shesatonthebed,andItookthespotnexttoher.“What’swrong?”Iasked.
Ittookheramomenttobegin.“Daniel,whenwestartedthis,itwasjustasexthingforme.”
Iwaited.Itlookedlikeshewasstruggling.
“That’snotwhatthisisformeanymore.”
Iwouldhavesmiledatthisexceptshelookedsoserious.
Shelickedherlips.“Isthisstilljustasexthingforyou?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Definitelynot.”
Sheheldmyeyes,butshedidn’tsmile.Mymouthwasdry.Ididn’tlikewherethiswasgoing.
“Daniel,IcameheretodayplanningtotellyouthatIcan’tcomeseeyouanymore.”
Myheartplummeted.No…
“ButIcan’tdoit.SoIneedtobereallyhonestwithyousoyoucanhavethefinalsayinwhat’sgoingtohappen.”
Inodded.“Okay.”
“I’mapplyingforanewjob.IfIgetit,I’llbeworkingeightyhoursaweek.I’malreadynotinthegreatestplacetohaveanykindofrelationship.IfIgetthisjob,it’llbeworse.AndevenifIdon’tgetthejob,I’mnotsurecontinuingtoseeeachotherisagoodideaforeitherofus.”
Ishookmyhead.“Why?”
Shelookedawayfromme.“Idon’tseeushavingafuture.”Hereyescamebacktomine.
Myheartcracked.
“I’msorry,”shesaid.“ButIhavetobehonestwithyouaboutthat.Andthat’saproblembecauseI’mstartingtohavefeelingsforyou.Somyinstinctistobreakthingsoffbecausethat’swhat’sfairtoyou—”
“Whydon’tyouletmedecidewhat’sfairforme?”Isaid.
Shesuckedherlipstogether.“Daniel,ifwekeepseeingeachother,itwillbetemporary.Itwon’tleadanywhere,anditwon’tlast.”
“Idon’tcare.”
IsaiditbeforeIcouldeventhinkaboutit.Butitwastrue.Ididn’tcare.Ifthechoicewasherwalkingoutofmylifetonightandneverseeingheragain,orgettingmoretimewithher,nomatterhowshortthattimemightbe,Iwantedthetime.Ineededit.
Shestudiedmyface,andIknewshewasdecidingformeanyway,eventhoughshe’dgivenmethechoice.
“Look,”Isaid.“I’mabigboy.AndIacknowledgeandappreciateeverythingyou’retellingme.ButI’dliketokeepseeingyou.”
Shewentquietforalongmoment.Ifelttheteetering.Likethiscouldgoeitherway.Iheldmybreath.
“Okay,”shesaidfinally.
“Why?”Iasked.
“Whywhat?”
“Whydon’tyouseeafuturewithme?”
Itwasoneofthosequestionsthatyoudon’treallywanttheanswerto.Shewasbeingbrutallyhonestwithme,andIknewshewouldn’tsugarcoatthiseither.ButIhadtoknow.
“Ourlivesdon’tfit,”shesaidsimply.“Theyjustdon’t.”
Shedidn’tneedtoelaborate.Iknewwhatshemeant.Welivedtoofarapart.Shecouldn’tworkhere,andIcouldn’tmove.Iwastooyoungforher…
AtthispointIwasn’tevensureitwastheagethingthatwastheactualproblem.Idon’tthinkthathadbeenanissueforherinawhile.ItwasthatIhadn’tlivedlongenoughtofiguremylifeoutyet.
Shehadalmostadecadeheadstart,andeventhenI’dneverachievethethingsshehadprofessionallyorfinancially.ButifIwereolder,maybeitwouldhaveclosedthegapalittle.
IfIcouldsnapmyfingersandfast-forwardadecadeortwo,Iwould.I’dloseallthattimeifitwouldmakethedifference.
MaybeI’dbeasuccessfulcarpenterintwentyyears.Imightownthepropertyandhaveabusinesssellingmywoodworking.Haveaninnkeeperworkingformetotakecareoftheguests.OrmaybeI’dbelivinginthehouseandnotinthedustygarageshehadtosleepintobewithme.
Butasitstood?Icouldn’tevenaffordtotakeheronatriporbuyhersomethingnice.I’dmetherfriends.Icouldn’timaginehangingoutwiththem,letalonetheirhusbands.Ihadnothingincommonwiththosepeople.
Butthefunnythingwas,eventhoughIdidn’tfitintoherlife,shefitintomine
WhenshewasinWakan,shewasmygirlfriend.Shedidn’twantthetitle,butitdidn’tmatter.Itwaswhatitwas.
Butwhenshewasbackinherownworld,Iwasn’therboyfriend.Idon’tthinkIevenexistedforheroutsideofthisplace.AndIdidn’tknowhowtochangethat—andneitherdidshe.
Ifeltdesperateallofasudden.Likeaclockhadbegunticking.Anexpirationdatehadbeensetonthisthingbetweenus,andshewasright—itwasn’tasexthing.Notevenclose.I’mnotsureiteverreallyhadbeen.
AsmallpartofmehopedIcouldchangehermind.IfIwasgoodenoughtoher,ifImadeherhappyenough,maybeshe’dreconsider.Maybeevenifshegotthatjob,wecouldfigureitout.Wecouldmakeitwork.
Buttherealisticsideofmeknewnoneofthosethingsweregoingtohappen.Therewasn’tgoingtobeasave.
AllIcoulddowasgiveherwhatIcould.Andthatwasn’tenough.Shehadawholedifferentlifeinawholedifferentworld,andshe’donlyeverbeenheretovisit.Itwastherealityofthissituation.I’dalwaysbeenonborrowedtimewithher.AndIthinkI’dalwaysknownit.
Ihadtobeinthiswithmyeyeswideopen.Ihadtosignuptobehurtwhenthetimecameforthistoend.Becauseitwouldend.She’dmadethatclear.
“I’min,”Isaid.“Whenit’sover,it’sover.”
ButIkneweventhen,itwouldn’tbe.Isuspecteditwouldneverreallybeover.
Atleastnotforme.Chapter29
Alexis
IspentfourmonthswithDaniel.Fouramazing,incrediblemonths.
ItwasAugustnow,twelveweekssincewe’dhadourtalk.Thetouristswereback,andI’dwatchedthembreathelifeintoDaniel’stown.
Theice-creamandfudgeshopswereopen,thepizzaplaceandMexicanrestaurantwerebackandhadanhourwaiteverynight,andtheRVparkwaspacked.TheGrantHousewasbookedsevendaysaweek,andIhelpedDanielwithitwhileIwasthere.Heusuallywouldn’tletmegetuptoputthecoffeeon.Hewantedmetosleep.ButIspenttherestofthedaydoingwhathedid.Makingbeds,checkinginguests,helpingpreparebreakfast.
Ihatedtoadmitit,butnowthatIhelpedDaniel,IunderstoodwhatNeilhadmeantaboutmenotknowinghowtorunahouse.Itwasalot.Repairs,maintenance,landscaping,cleaning.Evenifthesethingswerebeingdelegated,theywereatonofwork.
I’dbeensoshieldedandprivilegedgrowingup.We’dhadapropertymanagerwhodealtwithitall,andthenNeilhaddoneitwhenwemovedintogether.EveninmyER,mynursesdidallthedirtyworkforme.ButIwaslearning.AnditwaschanginghowIsawtheworldaroundmeandhowIwantedtobeseen.
Ididn’tlikethatothershadtotakecareofme.Iwantedtoknowhowtotakecareofmyself.Iwantedtopullmyweightandlearntobeself-reliantsothatwhenIdiddependonsomeone,itwasbychoiceandnotnecessity.AnditwasDanielwhowasteachingmehow.
Danielempoweredmeinsteadofstrippingme.Liftedmeupinsteadofkeepingmelow.
Danielgavemeeverythingheknew.Hekeptnothingforhimself,thewayNeilalwaysdid.Danielgavehisknowledgefreelyandhappily,eventhoughitlessenedanyadvantagehemighthavehadoverme—andindoingitheweakenedthelastbitofholdNeilhad,evenifallDanieldidwasshowmeIwascapableofanythingIneededtodo.
ItwasTuesday,andIwasathome.Iusuallyworkeddays,butI’dcoveredashiftforBrilastnightandIdidn’tgetinuntilmidnight.Ididn’twanttogettoWakanattwoa.m.soIdecidedtosleephereanddriveoverinthemorning.
IlovedbeingatGrantHouse.
Itwaswarmandlivedin.Itfeltalmostalivesomehow.Everysinglethinginthosewallshadastory.Itwascoloranddepthandcracklingfireplacesandquietnooks.Acreakingstepthatfeltlikeagentlesighundermyfeet.Ancientfernsandhand-wroughtcrownmolding,thehundredsofdelicatestained-glassbutterfliesonthewindowonthelanding,black-and-whitepicturesofstrangersthatfeltfamiliarnow.
MybloodpressurewaslowerinWakan.Itwaslikeafingerpressedtomylipswithalongshhhhhhh.AndDanielwasagentlehammock,rocking.Everythingaboutthemwascenteringandcalm.
AndI’dfalleninlovewiththemboth.
IwishI’dnevermethim.
LettingDanielgowasgoingtobethehardestthingI’veeverdone.
IfeltlikeIwasswimmingouttoseawithhim,gettingfartherandfartherfromshore,andI’dsavednoenergyfortheswimback.
I’dmadeanOlympicsportoutofavoidingNeil.Itwasalmostpossibletopretendhedidn’tliveinmyhouse.TheonlyreminderIgotwasmydadoccasionallyshowingupunannounced—nottoseeme,ofcourse.Tohavedrinkswithmyex.Togolfwithmyex.Togoonboatcruiseswithmyex.Iwasinvited—aslongasIwasokayhangingoutwithNeil.
Iwasn’t.
ImadeexcusesandNeildidn’tpushit,somydaddidn’tcarethatIdidn’tgo.Otherthanthat,Dadhadbeenquitepleasantthelastfewmonths.WithmevyingforchiefandhimthinkingNeilandIwereincounseling,Iwashislittleprincessagain.Momlookedlikeathousand-poundweighthadbeenliftedoffherchest,probablybecauseDadwasbacktobeingthebetterversionofhimself.
Itwasamazinghowlovableandagreeablehecouldbewhenyouweredoingwhathewanted.
WhatIwantedwastobeinWakan.
TheonlytimeI’dspentinMinneapolistheselastfewmonthsoutsideofworkwastheonce-a-weekcoachingsessionIhadwithMomtopracticemyspeechforthequasquicentennial.She’dwrittenit.Notawordofitwasmine—whichwasfine,sinceIhadnoideawhatI’devensayifitwas.
I’dcompletelystoppedgoingtotherapy,justtogivethehourtoDanielinstead.Ididn’thaveenoughofthemtospare.Iusedupmostofmyvacationtimetogivemeextradayswithhim.Ievenstayedforaten-daystretchbackinJuly.Didn’tgohomeonce.ToldmyparentsIwasonayogaretreat.
IfWakanhadbeencloser,I’dhavegonetherejusttospendthenight.I’dhavegonethereonmylunchbreak.ButonethingI’ddiscoveredoverthelastfewmonthswasthatthesecondthetouristscameback,thetrafficstarted.Roadwork,afenderbender—anylittlethingbackeduptheroads.OnedayithadtakenmefourhourstogettoDaniel’s.
Itwasliketheuniversejustwantedtoreiteratehowunsustainableallofthiswas.
Butstill,ImadethetripasoftenasIcould.Andthetowndidn’tseemtomind,becauseDaniel’sgaragehadturnedintoaminuteclinicoverthelasttwelveweeks.
Earinfections,bladderinfections,poisonivy,sprainedankles,burns.IfIhadwhatIneededtotreatthem,Idid.Sofar,I’donlyhadtosendonepersontoRochester.AndI’dbeenshowingDoughowtodothings.Hewasgoingtotreatthemanyway.AtleastifIgavehimsomeinstruction,theoutcomewouldbebetter.Hewasaverygoodstudent.AndcounterintuitivetotherestofwhatIknewaboutDoug,hisbedsidemannerwasremarkablygood.I’dactuallysuggestedhegointonursinglastweek.
Anyway,itwasgoodsomeonewouldbetheretopickupthetorchonceIwasgone.Becauseinafewdays,Iwouldbegone.Theboardwasvotingonthechiefpositiontomorrow,andafterthat,mytrainingwouldbegin.Thenafewweeksafterthat,Ihadthecourtdateforthefinaldeterminationonwhogotthehouse.
AndI’dhavetobreakupwithDaniel.
Iwasdoingmybestnottothinkaboutitandfailingmiserably.Thevotewouldbethebeginningoftheend.Thefirstdominotofall.
Everythingwasabouttochange.
Itwaseighta.m.Iwasunderthesink,fixingthegarbagedisposal,whenNeilcamein.
“Oh.You’rehere,”hesaid,soundingsurprised.
Heshouldbesurprised.IthadbeenweekssinceI’drunintohimathome.
Ididn’tanswer.
“Whatareyoudoing?”heasked.
Iadjustedmyheadlamp.“Stickingahex-headAllenwrenchinthebreakersocketatthebottomofthegarbagedisposal.Ineedtogettheflywheeltoturntofreethejammedimpellerblades.”Igaveitacrank.“Annnnddone.”
Iscootedoutfromunderthesinkandstood,flickingonthedisposal.Itran.Icockedmyheadathim.
Neilblinkedatme.“Howdoyouknowhowtodothat?”
ThequestionmademethinkofallthetimesI’daskedhimthesamething,andhe’dgivenmesomesnidecommentaboutnothavingthetimeorthecrayonstoexplainittome.
Itookoffmyheadlamp.“ThethingsI’mcapableofwouldshockyou,Neil.”
Thebuzzerwentoffontheoven,andIputonmittsandpulledoutwhatIwasbaking.AsurpriseforDaniel.Isetthequicheonthestovetoptocool.“Spinachandbroccoli.Myfavorite.”
Hisjawdropped.
Danielhadshownmehowtofixthegarbagedisposallastmonth.He’dalsoshownmehowtochangeatireandputinacarbatteryandputtyawall.Hetaughtmehowtouseanirontogetthecloudywhitespotsoffawoodtableandhowtoliftwaxoutofacarpet.Iknewhowtoroastachickenandmakestrawberryjamandcompostforthegarden.Iknewwhitevinegargotsmellsoutofclothesandhowtomakeacampfireandwhatpoisonivyplantslookedlike.Icouldreplaceadoorknobandinstallaboltlock—andIdidthisonmyownbedroomtokeepNeilfrompokingaroundintherewhenIwasn’thome.
Neilwaswatchinghispowerovermedissipatelikesteamfromashower.Ihopeditmadehisbrainexplode.
Neilclearedhisthroat.“I’mgladIcaughtyou.Iwantedtotalktoyouaboutsomething.”
“Nope.I’lltalktoyouwhenwestartourtherapysessions.That’smorethanenough.”Istartedtowalkoutofthekitchen.
Hespoketomyback.“DidyourehireMaria?”
Istoppedinthedoorwayandgroanedinternally.He’dfiredourhousekeeperlastweek.“Yes,”Isaid,turningtohimwithmyarmscrossed.
“Why?Shebrokehalfthecoffeemugs.”
“Shetrippedcarryingatrayofthemupfromyourroom.Itwasanaccident,andshehurtherself.Shehasacontusiononhershinthesizeofalemon.Youaddedinsulttoinjurybyfiringher.”
“Thatwasmyfavoritemuginthere,”hesaid,lookingwounded.
Isqueezedmyeyesshutandralliedmypatiencebeforeopeningthemagain.“Neil,gracecostsyounothing—andGodknowsI’vegivenyouenoughofitovertheyears.”
Iturnedformyroom.“Ifyoudon’twanther,getadifferentpersonforyourfloorofthehouse.I’mkeepingher.”
“Ali—”
“What?!”
“I’vebeengoingtotherapylikeyouasked.”Hisvoicewashopeful.
Iknewhe’dbeengoing.He’dbeenemailingmetheweeklyinvoices.Hewasonweektwelveofthesixteen-weekultimatumI’dgivenhim.Andhe’dgonetosomeintensivefour-dayweekendtherapyretreatthinglastmonthtoo,whichwasweird.HemissedPhilip’sbirthdaybecauseofit.Healsohadn’ttoldmyparentsIwasn’tgoingwithhim.Hewaskeepingallhispromises,whichwasnotonlysurprisingbutalsoannoying,becauseitmeantIwouldhavetokeepmine.
“Ionlyhavefourmoresessions,”hesaid.“Thenwecangotogether.”
“Yeah.Fine.Whatever.”Iwentupthestairstomyroomandlockedthedoor.
I’dmadeadealwiththedevil,anditwasalmosttimetopay.Itwasalmosttimetopayforallofit.
BynextmonthI’dprobablybechiefofemergencymedicine.I’deitherbethesoleownerofthishouseorI’dbemovingout,DanielandIwouldbeover,andNeilandIwouldbeincouple’scounseling.TheonlygoodpartofanyofthiswasthatImightgetthehouse.Butbesidesthat,Ihadmoretodreadthantolookforwardto.
Itookashower,grabbedmyquiche,andheadedtoWakan.IgottherejustintimetohelpDanielwithchores.
Check-outoftheGrantHousewaselevena.m.Ifwecleanedtheroomsfastenough,wegotdonebynoon.Thenewguestsdidn’tarriveuntilthreeo’clock,sowegotthreewholehourstogodostuff.We’dgotolunchortakeabikerideorwalkaround.Wewenttotheantiquestoreandbrowsed,oneofourfavoritethings.Sometimeswe’djustcurluptogetheronthefour-seasonporchandread.
TodaywewerefloatingdowntheriverontubeswithDoug,Brian,andLiz.
Wepackedacoolerwithdrinks,putonatinyBluetoothradio,tiedourtubestogether,andwentdrifting.
Brian,Liz,andDoughadbrokenoffandwerebehindus,upriverafewyards.DanielandIwerealone,holdinghands.
“It’ssobeautifulhere,”Isaid,tippingmyheadbacktolookatthebranchesarchingovertheriver.
“Youshouldseeitintheautumn.Allthebeautyfallingdownaroundyou.”
“I’veneverdoneanythinglikethis,”Isaidquietly.“It’ssorelaxing.”
“Neverbeentoadrive-in,neverfloateddownariver,”hesaid,smiling.“Whatkindofstuffdidyoudoasakid?”
Ishrugged.“WesummeredinNewEnglandusually.”
Helaughed.“Whydoesthisnotsurpriseme?”
Ismiled.“Hey,don’tmakefunofme.”
“Didyouhaveagoverness?”
Iflickedwateronhim.“Itwasanaupair,actually,anditsoundsfancierthanitis.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Hey,Idon’tholdyourchildhoodagainstyou,”Iteased.
“Maybeyoushouldtryit.Youlikeholdingthingsagainstme.”
Heleanedover,slippedfingersintothebackofmyhairandkissedme,andthewholeworlddisappearedaroundus.Itwasalwayslikethis,thecompleteandtotalsubmersionintoDaniel.Itgotmeeverytime.
Dougmadeasharpwhistlingnoisefrombehindus.“Hey!Keepitclean!”
Welaughedandsatbackintoourtubes.
IlookedatDaniel.Hewassohandsome.Hehadondarkblueswimtrunksandsunglasses,histattooedforearmspoppingagainsttheblacktube.Hisbodywasdefinedandtoned,hishairwetandslickedback.
Hegothitonalot.Alot
Isawgirlslookathimallthetime.Evenwhenhewascheckinginguests,he’dgetsmilesthatIknewweremorethanjustsmiles.
Iwonderedhowfasthe’dmoveononceIwasgone.Afewweeks?Amonth?
Itwaslikehewasreadingmymind.
“Sothehospitalvoteistomorrow,right?”heasked.
Inodded.“Yeah.Atsix.”
“Andthenwhathappens?”
Iraisedmyfootoutofthewaterandletdropletsdripintotheriveroffmytoes.“AndthenifIgetit,I’llstartmynewjobafewdaysafterthat.”
Hewentquietforamoment.“Yousaideightyhoursaweek,right?”
“Maybemore.”
Evenwithhissunglasseson,Icouldstillseethelightfadingfromhiseyes.Ormaybeitwasthelightfadingfrommine.
Wewerenearingtheend.
Thereweretwowayswecoulddoit.Breakthingsoffcleanlyandjuststoptalking—orletitdieaslowandpainfuldeath.
We’dputitonlifesupport,trytokeepthingsgoing,anditwoulddelaytheinevitable.HistextswouldgounansweredbecauseI’dbetoobusytoreply.I’dmakeplanstogoseehimonceortwiceamonthandthenendupcancelingwhenIgotcalledin.We’dtrytotalk,butI’dbetootired.I’dgetinvitedtoholidaysandcelebrationswithparentswhowouldn’thavehim,sohecouldn’tcome.
Thenmaybehe’dmeetanotherwoman.Andhe’dtellmethis.Andthenitwouldbeover.
Eventuallyeverythinggoodwehadwouldbestrainedandfaded.AndIwouldhavewastedyetmoreofhistime.SoIwasplanningonaquick,cleanbreak.Afterall,thoseweretheonesthathealedfastest,right?
Igazedoutovertheriver.Dragonfliesdartedaround.Icouldsmellfreshlycutgrassandsomekindofflower.Cicadaswerebuzzing.Theleavesonthemaplesweredarkgreen,andthedayswerelongandwarmandbright.Iwonderedwhatthisplacelookedlikeinthefallandwinter.
IwonderedwhatDaniellookedlikeinthoseseasonstoo.ButIwouldn’tbeheretofindout.
I’dbeenlisteningtoLola’seleventhandlastalbumonrepeat,theoneshemadebeforeshegotsoberandstartedproducing.Shemusthavebeengoingthroughsomethingsimilarwhenshewroteitbecauseitwasallaboutlostlove.Songsaboutbeingtornapartandheartbroken.Shehadabonustrackattheend.Acoverof“LoveSong”byTheCure.Thiscrooning,sad,slowrenditionthatmademyheartfeellikeitwascrying.
YoucouldfeelLolathroughhermusic,likeheremotionsstreamedoutofhervoice.Shewassorawandvulnerable,andIknew,evenwithoutmeetingher,howremarkableshewas.IknewwhyDerekfellinlovewithher.
“Whydidn’tyouevermarryhim?”Danielaskedoutofnowhere,breakingintomythoughts.
“Huh?”Ilookedoverathim.Hewaspeeringatmefromhistube.
“Yourex.Thesurgeon.”
Iblewalongbreath.“Well,atfirsthedidn’twanttogetmarried.He’dbeenmarriedoncebefore,andhedidn’twanttodoitagain.Thenhedidstarttalkingaboutit,andIdidn’twanttomarryhim.”
“Why?”
Ishrugged.“Therelationshipwasn’tgoodatthatpoint.Ithinkhejustwantedtomarrymetokeepme.HecouldtellIwasunhappy.”
Ihadn’ttoldDanielmuchaboutNeil.Hedidn’tevenknowNeilwaslivinginmybasement.Therewasnopointingettingintoit.Thisrelationshipwastemporaryanyway.Danielwasn’tmyboyfriend,andNeilwaslessthanaroommateandmoreofasquatterlivinginadifferentapartmentinthesamebuilding,asfarasIwasconcerned.
“Doyouwanttogetmarried?”heasked.
Inodded.“Yeah.”
“Kids?”
“I’dliketohavekids.Doyou?Wanttogetmarriedandhavekids?”
“Yes.”
Hewaslookingatmethroughhissunglasses,soIcouldn’treallyseetheexpressiononhisface.
Itoccurredtomethatweweretalkingaboutthingsthatthetwoofuswoulddowithsomeoneelseoneday.IfIeverdidfindasuitablemanwhomydadwouldn’thate,I’dhavetofast-trackeverything.Marriedquick,kidsquick.Mybiologicalclockwasticking.ImightevenhavedifficultygettingpregnantifIstartedrightnow,today.Atthirty-seven,Iwasalreadyconsideredofan“advancedmaternalage.”Eventhinkingthosewordsmademefeelancient.
Danielwouldn’thaveahardtimeatallfindingsomeonetomarryandhavekidswith.Hehadhiswholelifeaheadofhim.Hecouldfindsometwenty-five-year-oldwhohecouldtakehistimewith.Waitafewyearstostarthavingafamily.
Wesatthere,quietlylookingateachother,holdinghands.
Daniel
Whatagreatdaddyhe’dbe.Andagoodhusband.Sogood.Andhewassogifted.
I’dbeenwatchinghimfinishthesewoodworkingpiecesforthelastthreemonths,andIwascompletelyinaweofhim.Therewasmagicinhishands.Hecouldseeapieceofwoodandtransformitintosomethingthatfeltlikewhatitwasalwaysmeanttobe.I’dwatchedhimcreatestunningone-of-a-kindheadboards,agorgeouslightningstrike–inspiredtabletopthathehollowedoutinthemiddleandthencharredalongtheedgesbeforehefilledthecenterwithresinsothecrackwasflatandclear.Hehadthistwisted,gnarledstumpthatDouggavehimthatIwouldhavethoughtwasnothingbutfirewood,andheuseditasthebaseforacoffeetablewhereheinlaiddifferentwoodtocreateamosaicpattern.HewasstartingtogetnoticedonInstagramtoo,nowthatI’dtaughthimhowtousehashtags.Hislastposthadovertwothousandlikes.
TherewasabittersweetfeelingknowingthatI’dneverseeDanielbecometherestofhimself.Hewasjuststartingtoturnintothemanhe’dbecome,andIwantedtobethereforit.Iwantedtohelphimandsupporthim.
ButIwouldn’tgetto.
Everythingaboutthismademyhearthurt.
Ihadtheweirdesturgetoclimbontohistubeandlethimholdme.Butitwouldbetooheavy.Thetubewouldsink.We’dendupunderwater.
LizshriekedfrombehindusandDougletoutaloudlaugh.WelookedjustintimetoseeBriansplashthem,andDanielandIsmiledatthetrio.
“Howlonghavetheylivedhere?”Iasked,noddingathisfriends.
Thefingersonhisfreehandstrailedinthewater,makinglittlewakes.“Mywholelife.LizgrewupinSouthDakota,butshecamehereeverysummerwithourcousinJoshandallhissisters.Theguyswerebornhere.Wegrewuptogether.Literally.Theywereevenwithmethedaymygrandparentsdied.”
“Howdidtheydie?”
Hepeeredoutovertheriver.“Grandpahadaheartattack,andGrandmawentlaterthatday.”
“Thesameday?”
“Yeah.Itdidn’treallysurpriseanyone.Ialwaysknewitwouldhappenthatway.Theywereinseparable.”Helookedatme.“Neitheronecouldlivewithouttheother.”
Ilookedawayfromhim,backattheslowlypassingshoreline.
“Youknow,youreallycandieofabrokenheart,”Isaidsomewhatabsently.“Iseeitallthetime.Stress-inducedcardiomyopathy.It’sarealthing.”
Hepausedforalongmoment.“Iknow.”
Weroundedanelbowintheriver,andthesunslippedbehindacloud.Itgotinstantlydark.Ahardwindrustledthetrees,andIshiveredabit.“It’snotsupposedtoraintoday,right?”
Daniellookedattheskyandshookhishead.“No.”
“Itlookslikeitis…”
Anenormousthundercloudseemedtohavecomeoutofnowhere.Andthenwesawthefigurestandingonthebluff.
Jake.
Hewasinfrontofthehoodofhiscruiser,fiveorsixyardsawayandtwentyfeetup,hisarmscrossed.Just…watching.Itgavemechills.
IlookedbackatLiz,andshe’dgonecompletelyfrozen.Iinstantlyknewwhy.BecauseshewastetheredtoBrian’stube.
Danielseemedtorealizeittoo.Helookedatme,hisexpressionserious.
Lizputonabrightsmiletowaveatherhusband.Thesameoneshe’dputonthedayImetherwhenJakecameintotheVFWtoreturnhersweater—onlynowIsawthatforwhatitwas.
ItwasJakeshowingupatherwork,justtoremindherthathecould,atanytime.Jakeremindingherthathewaswatching,justlikehewasremindinghernow.AndLiz,puttingonthemasksheworeforthepublic.
SosimilartotheoneI’dwornforNeil…
“Hi,babe!”Lizcalled,wavingathim,butIcouldheartheforcedcheer.
Jakejuststoodthere,gloweringdownather.
AsfarasIknew,Jakehadn’thitheragainsincethelasttime.
IaskedheralmosteverytimeIsawher.Shesaidthingswerefine.ButIdidn’tthinkshewouldtellmeiftheyweren’t.Notunlessshewasinjuredenoughtoneedme.
Theyhadprobablybeenontheupswingoftheirabusecycletheselastfewmonths.Thehoneymoonpartrightafterabadepisodewherehe’dbeonhisbestbehaviorandshowerherwithgiftsandaffection.WhateverwasJake’sequivalentofNeil’squiche.Butbythelookonhisfacenow,thatwascomingtoanend…
Wedriftedinfrontofhim,slowandvulnerable.
Likesittingducks
AvoicecrackledoverJake’sshouldermic.Heleanedintoitandsaidsomething.Thenheturnedandgotinhiscruiseranddroveoff.
Thecloudsparted,andthesunpouredbackovertheriver.Itwasn’tuntiltheysuddenlyreappearedthatIrealizedallthedragonflieshadvanished.
IlookedoveratLiz,andshe’dgonesheetwhite.
“I’mgoingtotalktoher,”Isaid.
Danielnoddedandletgoofmyhand,andasifweallknewwhatwashappening,allfiveofourtubessplitapartandreconfigured,mealonewithLizandtheboysdownriver.
Ipaddledwithmyhandsovertoher.“Liz?”
Shelookedshaken.
“Liz?Areyouokay?”
Shedidn’tanswer.
“Doyouwantmetotakeyousomewhere—”
Sheshookherhead.“No.It’llbeokay,”shesaidquickly.
“Liz—”
“It’sfine.He’llcalmdown.Iworkuntilmidnight.BythetimeIgetoffhe’llbecalm.”
Ieyedher.“Icantakeyousomeplace,Liz.Anyofuscan.”
Adragonflylandedonherknee,andshestaredatitwearily.
“IfI’mlucky,maybehe’llgettiredofme,”shesaidquietly.“He’llfindsomeoneelseandjustleaveme,andIcanbedone.”Shepausedforalongmoment.“IfIleave,I’llneverbeabletocomebackhere.He’llkillme.I’llspendtherestofmylifehiding,andI’llneverseeWakanagain.”
Therewasthetiniest,almostimperceptibleglanceatBrianwhenshesaidthis
Myheartbrokeforher.
Nomatterwhatshedid,Jakewouldwin.Neilwasstillwinningtoo,inahundreddifferentways.
Sometimesitfeelslikethebadguysalwaysdo.Chapter30
Daniel
WepulleduptotheGrantHouseinmytruck,stillwetfromourtripdowntheriver.Hunterwasloose.
“Didyouleavehimout?”Alexisasked,braidingherwetredhairoverhershoulder.
IlookedatheramomentlongerthanIneededto,thinkinghowbeautifulshewas.Icouldn’tstopthinkingiteverytimeIlookedather.ShemademefeellikeImusthavedonesomethingrightinapastlifetogettheprivilegeofbeingwithher.
Evenifitwasonlyfornow.
“No,”Isaid,peeringbackoutthroughthewindshieldatmyroguedog.“Great.Nowheopensdoors.”
Shelaughedandgotout,andHunterranaroundtomeetherlikehealwaysdid.We’dgottenhimtostopjumping,sothatwasgood,buthestillpreferredAlexistome,handsdown.
Iturnedofftheengineandsteppedoutofthedriver’sside.Thenthesmellhitme.
“Uhhhhh…Daniel?”Alexissaid,wrinklinghernose.“Ithinkhegotskunked.”
Hedefinitelygotskunked.
Icouldpracticallyseegreenstenchwaveswaftingupfromhishead.Hesat,smilingbackandforthbetweenus,lookingproudofhimself.
“Jesus,Hunter.”Ibreathedintomyelbow.
“Weneedhydrogenperoxide,bakingsoda,anddishwashingsoap,”shesaid,shakingherheadathim.
“Howdoyouknow?”Igagged.
“WegetskunkedpatientsintheER.”
“Youwashskunkedpatients?”
Sheshookherhead.“No,mynursesdoit.”Shepulledbackhiseyelids.“Itcancauseocularswellingiftheygetitintheface.Heseemsokay.Icanwashhim.I’vealreadygotitonmyhands.”
Ihadtosmilealittle.Afewmonthsago,thiswomanhadn’tknownhowtosweep.Shedidn’tscrubtoiletsorcleanthekitchen.Nowshewaswashingskunkoffmydog?Itmademefeeloddlyproudofherforsomereason.
“I’llhelp,”Isaid.
Shegrabbedhimbythecollar.“Areyousure?Nopointinbothofusgettinggross.”
“I’msure.”
Ididn’twanttolosetimewithher.Noteventothis.
Thesandinthehourglasswasrunningout.
Theywerevotingonhernewjobtomorrow.Ifshegotit,whichsheseemedtothinkshewould,thatwasit.
She’dgivenmethreemoremonths.Iwasgratefulforit.Butatthesametime,Iknewitmighthavebeenbettertoletherleavethatdayafterthespaghettidinnerandneverseeheragain.Becausewhileitwouldhavehurtme,itdidn’thavethepoweryettokillme.
Nowitdid.
Iwasinlovewithher.
Icouldn’tevenbreathethinkingaboutthisbeingover.Itwokemeupatnight,mademefeelforhernexttometobesureshewasstillthere.Iwantedhertostaysobadly,Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Ifeltdesperate.IwishedIhadagenieinabottleorafairygodmother,someonetograntjustonewish.Justone
Butasitstood,therewasnothingtobedone.
Alothadchangedinthelastthreemonths.Amberhadn’tcalledtoaskmeformoneyortoletmeknowthedealwasoff.Icalledherlastweekjusttocheckin,andshesoundedgood.Myguesswasshe’dcomeoutofwhateverself-destructiveslideshewasonthelasttimeItalkedtoherandshewasdoingokay—fornow.
I’dclearedoutmostofthebackloginthegarageandsolditattheswapmeet.Madeeightthousanddollars,sonotbad.I’dbeenfocusingmoreonmyfreelancepiecesthananything.Alexislikedthem.
She’dstartedanInstagramandanEtsystoreforme,andI’dbeenusingit.IshippedaheadboardtoaninteriordesignerinMainelastweek,madetwothousanddollarsonthatoneitem.ItwaslookinglikeIcouldraisethemoneyintime.Iwasalmosthalfwaythere,andIhadhalfadozenprojectsintheworksandthehousewasrentedoutstraight
I’ddecided.I’dgiveupmylifeheretobewhereshewasifshe’dhaveme.I’dgiveupmyhouseandthistownandallthepeopleinit.Ifshewasatthehospitaleightyhoursaweek,Icouldbetherewhensheleftandbetherewhenshecamehome.Makeherbreakfast,takeherlunch,takeherdinner.Icouldpickuptheslack.Shewouldn’thavetodoanything,itcouldbeallmethistime—I’dgotoher.Itdidn’thavetoend.
We’dgottensocloseafterthelastthreemonths.Wewerecomfortablewitheachothernow.She’dwalkaroundmyroomnaked,lookingatthelittlewoodcarvingsIhadonmywindowsillorflippingthroughoneofmybooks.Peewiththedooropen.Wedidn’tusecondomsanymore.ShehadanIUD,butknowingthatbarrierhadcomedownbetweenus,thatwehadthatextralayeroftrust…
Alltheselittlethingswereeverything.Atleasttheyweretome.
Butshestilltalkedliketheendwasstillgoingtobetheend.Shewasalwaystryingtoremindmeitwascoming,likeshewantedtomanagemyexpectations.Shewouldn’tleaveanythinghere.Notevenatoothbrush.Shewouldn’ttakethedrawerIofferedherorthekeyI’dtriedtogiveher.Everytimesheleft,allofherdid.Anditalwaysmademefeellikethistimecouldbethelasttime,becausetherewasnothinghereforhertocomebackfor.
ThereweretimeswhenweweretogetherandIknewImadeherhappy,andItoldmyselfthatmeantImighthaveachance.Andthensomethingwouldhappentoremindmehowextraordinaryshewasandhowshehadadifferentlifesheneededtogolive,andI’dfeelhopeless.
I’dhearhertalkingtosomeotherdoctoronthephone,sayingthingsthatIcouldn’tevenbegintounderstand.Shewassodamnsmart.Shelearnedthingslikeitwasnothing.Icouldshowherarecipeandshecouldmakeitagainfrommemory,rememberallthemeasurementsandingredients,justfromseeingitonce.Therewasthetimeadaylaborerfromanearbyfarmcametoseeherwithaninfectedcuticle,andAlexisstartedspeakingSpanish.JustrolledrightintoanotherlanguageIdidn’tevenknowshespoke.WhenIaskedheraboutit,shesaidshewasfluentinsignlanguagetoo.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Ijuststaredather.
Sometimesitfeltlikeshebelongedtoadifferentworld.Literally.Likewherevershecamefromwassooutoftheordinary,Icouldn’tevenimagineit.
I’dneverbeenfartherthanRochester—well,onceIwenttovisitmycousinJoshbackwhenhewasstilllivinginSouthDakota,butthatwasit.Andhistownwasn’tmuchbiggerthanmine.I’dneverevenbeenonaplanebefore.Ihadnoideawhatlivinginabigcitywaslike.
Alexiswouldbringmethingssometimes,foodfromplacesoverwhereshelived.
WhenIwasakidGrandpawouldgetmeaHappyMealeverytimewewentintoRochesterforthehardwarestoreorthedentist.Mostpeopletakestufflikethatforgranted,butMcDonald’swasatreatforushere,abigdeal.Hell,itstillwas.
ButthestuffAlexisbroughtmewassomethingelse.Itwaslikewherevershecamefrom,nothingwasaverage.ShebroughttheserainbowmacaronsfromsomeFrenchbakeryinMinneapolis,wrappedinredribbonandbrushedingoldleaf.Handmadechocolatesfromanartisanchocolatierwithapricotsinsideofthem.Thesefancydonutswithbacononthem,softcolorfulcupcakesfromNadiaCakes.Mostofitwastoonicetoeat.Ididn’tevenwanttotouchit.Itwaslikethelittlerose-shapedsoapsGrandmausedtokeepinabowlinthedownstairsbathroomthatnobodywasallowedtousetowashtheirhands.
Stufflikethis—herMercedes,herdesignerclothes,operasingersinherER—allofitservedtoremindmethatshebelongedtosomewhereelse,someuniverseamillionmilesfrommine.
She’dtoldmewhathospitalsheworkedin.IGoogledit.ItwasthesecondlargesthospitalinMinnesotaaftertheMayoClinic.Itwasthethirdbesttraininghospitalinthenation,alevel-onetraumacenter.Ifoundadocumentaryaboutherfamily,atwo-hourshowontheHistoryChannel.Herdadwasthisworld-renownedcardiovascularsurgeon.HepioneeredtheMontgomeryMethod,somefancywaytodoheartsurgery.Hermomwasahugephilanthropistandaspinalsurgeontoboot,andherbrotherwasafamousplasticsurgeon.
AlexiswaspartofsomeelitemedicallegacythatIcouldn’tevenbegintounderstand.Buteverysingletimesheshowedupshestillslidintomylifelikeshebelongedhereanyway.Everysingletimeitmadeitthatmuchhardertoletherleaveandgobacktowhereshecamefrom.Andwhenshedid,itgavemeasinkingsenseofhopelessness,becausehowcouldIandthisplacecompetewithwhateverthatwasoutthere?
Shesaidshedidn’tseeafuturewithus.Thatourlivesdidn’tfit.IknewtherewerethingsIcouldnevergiveher.Atbest,Ihadaboutasmuchtoofferasmydamndog—companionshipandentertainment.Icouldn’ttalktoheraboutthestuffherexprobablydid,Icouldn’tmakethemoneyshemadeorbuyherexpensivegiftsortakeheronvacations
ButIcouldloveherbetterthananyoneevercouldfortherestofherlife.That,Iknew.Andiftherewasevenafractionofachancethatmightbeenough,Iwasgoingtotakeit.
Ididn’thavetimetoplayitcoolorletthingshappenslowly.Ihadtomakemyargumentnow.IwasgoingtotalktoheraboutthewayIwasfeeling,Iwasgoingtoaskhertoletmetryandmakethiswork.
WetookHunterbackbehindthegarageandspentthenexthalfanhourwashingmystupiddog.Welockedhiminthekenneltodryoffandthenwenttotakeashower.
Shestrippedinthebathroom,andIwatchedherasIgotundressednexttoher
“Ihopehelearnedhislesson,”shesaid,steppingunderthewater.
“Youknowhedidn’t.”
Shelaughed.
Lastweekhe’dgottenporcupineneedlesinhisnose.Alexishadtosedatehimandtakethemoutwithpliers.Thiswouldn’thavebeennoteworthyexceptthathe’ddonetheexactsamethingtheweekbeforethatandclearlylearnednothingaboutsniffingporcupines.
Icouldn’tsayIcouldreallyfaulthimforchasingdownthingsthatcouldhurthim.Icouldn’tstopdoingiteither.
We’dalreadyhosedourselvesdownusingthesamestuffwe’dcleanedHunterwith,sothiswasjustaquickshowertowashourhair.
Shestoodunderthewaterrinsingouttheshampoo,andIwrappedmyarmsaroundherfrombehindandkissedthesideofherneck.
Mybodyreactedtoher.Everythinginmereactedtoher,allthetime.
Whenshecalled,mymoodlifted.WhenIsawhercomingdownthedriveway,myheartwouldpound.Whenshewashere,Isleptbetter.Whenshewasgone,Iwassad.Shefeltlikethesun.Likeshewasthereasonforeverything.LikeI’dalwaysbeenwaitingforhertogetcloserandbringmetolife.
Ipressedmyhard-onintoher,andsheleanedintomychest.“Don’tyouwanttowaituntilwegetout?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.”
Shelaughedandturnedaroundtokissme.“Let’srinseandgetinbed,”shewhispered.“Wehaveanotherhouruntilcheck-in.”
Wetoweledoffandbarelymadeittothemattress.Islidoverherbody,bothofusstilldamp.
Ipulledtheblanketsoverusandcagedherunderme,warmingherup.ShenuzzledmyAdam’sapplewithhernoseandwrappedherarmsaroundmyneck,andIfeltlikemyentireuniversewashereinthisbed,likeeverythingthatmatteredwassomehowrighthereinthisdustygarageinthistinytowninthemiddleofnowhere.
Nothingcouldconvincemethiswomanwasn’tmadeformetolove.IthinkmysoulrecognizedhersthesecondIlaideyesonher.Ourbodiesknewittheveryfirstnight.
Thepowershehadovermeterrifiedme.Butitalsogavemeclarity.
Thereisapeaceinknowingtheonethingyoucan’tlivewithout.Itsimplifiesallthings.Therewasher,andthentherewaseverythingandeveryoneelse.Andonlyshereallymattered.Itwaseasytoknowit.
Ijustwishedsheknewittoo.
Ihoveredoverher,kissinghersoftly.Ibrushedherwethairoffherforehead,andshegazedupatmewiththosebeautifulbrowneyes,smiling,andIcouldn’tnotsayit.Itcameoutlikeanexhale,likesomethingthatwasalwaysthere,onlynowIwasfinallygivingitanameandbreathingitintotheuniverseandacknowledgingthatitexisted.
“Iloveyou,”Iwhispered.
Andtheneverythingchanged.Chapter31
Alexis
Thewordsdrainedmelikeaplugbeingpulledfromabasin.
Iwiggledawayfromhimandsatupagainsthisheadboard.“Whydidyoujustsaythattome?”
Hesatbackinthebed.“What?”
“Thatyouloveme.Whydidyousayit?”
“BecauseIfeelit?”
“Youcan’tfeelit.”
Helookedamused.“Well,Ido.Andit’snotabigdeal.Ifyou’renotthereyet,it’sfine.”
Butitwasn’tfine.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Isaid.“We’renotdoingthis.”
“Doingwhat?”
“This!”Igesturedbetweenus.
“Alexis—”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Wetalkedaboutthis.Youknewthiswasn’tgoingtobearelationship.Youknewthiswasn’tgoingtolast.Igetthejobtomorrow.Itendsafterthat,sowhythrowthatwordaround?Whatisthepoint?”
Heblinkedatme.“ThepointisthatI’minlovewithyou.”
Myjawset.“No.”
Igotoffthebedandstartedputtingmyclotheson.
“Areyouleaving?”heasked,disbeliefinhisvoice.
“Yes.”
“BecauseItoldyouIloveyou—”
“No.Becauseyouthinkyoudo.Andyoushouldn’t.”Ipulledonmyyogapants.“Ishouldhaveendedthismonthsago.Ishouldhavegonewithmygut.”Ipulledashirtovermytangledwethair.
Danielwasoffthebed,jumpingintojeans.“Alexis…”
Igrabbedmybagandwalkedoutoftheroom.
“Alexis!”
Iignoredhim.
Icameoutintothesunlighttomycar,andDanielfollowedcloseonmyheels.“Hey!”
“Daniel,thisdiscussionisover.”
“Wehaven’tevenhadadiscussion.Howcanitbeover?”hesaidtomyback.
Ichirpedoffmyalarm.
“Stop!”Hegrabbedmywrist.
Iwhirledonhimandyankedmyarmdown.“No!Youknewthiswasatemporarysituation.Youknewthiswasn’tgoingtohaveahappyending.”
Hedraggedahandthroughhishair.“Look,Ididn’tplanthiseither,butit’shappeningnow,andIcan’tpretendthatit’snot.”
“It’snot.Ourlivesdon’twork,”Isaid.“Theydon’tworktogether.”
Heshookhishead.“Howdoyouknow?You’venevereventriedtomakethemwork.Youwon’tletmemeetyourfriendsoryourfamily.Ican’tknowwhereyoulive.Givemeachance.Letmetry.Icancometoyou.Icandoeverything.”
Ishookmyhead.“Andhowareyougoingtodoeverything,Daniel?Whenyouhavetobeheretorunthishouse.”
“Iwon’tbuyit.I’llmovetoMinneapolistobenearyou.”
Myheartbroke.Thedeclarationpushedtheairrightoutofmylungs.
“I’llgetanapartmentifyoudon’twanttolivewithme,”hesaid.“I’llgetajoboverthere.”
Iletoutapuffofair.“Daniel,youcan’tleaveWakan.Theyneedyou.Youloveithere—”
“Iloveyoumore.IfyouthinkIwantanyofthiswithoutyouinit,youdon’tknowanythingaboutme.”Hisgolden-greeneyesheldmine.“Ican’tloseyou.Iwon’t.Thejobdoesn’thavetoendwhatwehave.Iwon’tletit.”
Istoodthere,anguished.“It’snoteventhejob,Daniel.That’sjustthelogistics.It’smylife.Mylifeisn’tcompatiblewithyourlife.”
Hethrewuphishands.“Whatthehellistheproblem?Makemeunderstandit.We’regreattogether.Whatisthisbig,horriblethingthatyouthinkIcan’thandleorwecan’tfigureout?I’myourdamnboyfriend,talktome.”
“Youarenotmyboyfriend.”
Iwatchedthewordshithimlikeasmack.
“IfI’mnotyourboyfriend,whatthehellamI,Alexis?”
Ididn’tanswer.
“WhatamI?Nothing?Somefuckingbootycall?Really?That’swhatyouwanttopretendthisis?”
Tearsprickedmyeyes.“Thiscouldneverwork,Daniel.Notthewayyouwantitto—”
“Why?”
“Ourlivesarejusttoodifferent.Wedon’tfit.Youdon’tknowwhatIcomefrom,thepeopleI’maround,thethingstheyexpectofme—thewaytheyare.Idon’tknowhowtoletyouintomyworld,”Isaidhopelessly.“Itfeelsmorehumanenotto.”
Heputhishandsonmyarms.“Lookmeintheeyeandtellmethatyoudon’tloveme.Iwanttohearyousaythatyoudon’tlovemeback.YousayitandI’llletyouleave.”
Mychinquivered.“Ican’tsayit.BecauseIdoloveyou.Andthatisthefuckingproblem.”Tearsspilleddownmycheeks.
Hiseyesmovedbackandforthbetweenmine.“Ifyouwantsomethingbadlyenough,Alexis,nothingelsematters.”
Ishookmyhead.“That’snottrue,”Iwhispered.“Everythingmatters.Allthetime.”
Hissadeyesheldmine,andIfeltlikeIwasgoingtocrumbleintodust.
“It’sover,Daniel.”
Thewordsmadehimblowoutashakybreath.
Iturnedforthecar,andhishandsdroppedawayfromme.
Thenacrackoflightningcameoutofnowhere.
Danielgrabbedmeinasplitsecondandpulledmeintohim,puttinghisbacktothestrikeasithittheoakbytheentrance.Anenormousbranchbrokeoffandfellacrossthedriveway.
Istoodthere,mycheekpressedtoDaniel’spoundingchest.
“Didyouseethat?”hebreathed.
Icouldn’tevenrespond.Itwaslikepaddleshadjustshockedmebacktolife.Iwasinstantlysobered.
“There’snoteventhunder,”hesaid.“There’snotevenclouds.”
Ipeeredaroundhim.
Thebranchsatsmokinginthedriveway.Ilookedupatthesky.Nothingbutblue.“Whatintheworld?”Iwhispered.
ThenIpushedoffhim.“Gogetyourchainsawandmoveit.I’mstillleaving.”
Heshookhishead.“No.Noway.”
“Whatdoyoumeannoway?Ineedtogetout.”
Hiseyeswerewide.“I’mnotmessingwiththat.ThatwasGod.”
“Thatwasnot—”Iletacalmingbreathoutthroughmynose.“Daniel,IdonotbelievethatGodhadnothingbettertodotodaythantrapmeinyourdriveway.Idonotbelieveincosmicinterventions,Idon’tbelieveinmagic;thatwasacompletelyexplainableweatherphenomenon.YouneedtomovethatbranchsoIcanleave.”
Thenaloudcrackofthunderrolled,theheavensopenedup,andrainpouredoverus.Sheetsandsheetsofrain.
Rain.Withoutclouds.
Istoodthere,gettingdrenched,andDanielcrossedhisarmsinthedownpour,lookingamused.“Theuniversedoesn’twantyoutoleave,”heshouted.“Infact,I’mgoingtosaytheuniversewantsyoutogobackinside.”
“Arrrrrg!”Istompedtothegarageinthemud.
Igotintothedoor,andthesecondIdid,Iheardthedelugeoutsidestop.Danielcameinaftermeandwrappedhisarmsaroundmefrombehind.Itimmediatelyde-escalatedme,arobotpoweringdown.Ilostalltheenergytofighthim.
Hestoodthere,holdingme,hisbodycurvedaroundminelikeitwasmadetofitme,andIfeltlikeIwaspressedagainstmyotherhalf.Buthecouldn’tbemyotherhalf,becauseifhewas,wouldn’twebemadefromthesamething?Whywouldwebeasdifferentaswewereperfectforeachother?
“Iloveyou,”hewhispered.“Wearetogether.Thisisn’tover.Andevenifyouleave,itwon’tbeoverbecauseyou’lltakethelovewithyouandit’llbringyouback.”
Heturnedme,andIlookedupathim,completelyhelpless.ButitwasokaythatIwashelplessbecausehe’dneverhurtmelikeNeildid.He’dneverdoanythingbutwhathedoesforallthepeopleinhislife.He’dbedevotedtomeandcherishmeandtakecareofme.
Andhewasright.Icouldn’tescapethis.
Lovefollowsyou.Itgoeswhereyougo.Itdoesn’tknowaboutsocialdividesordistanceorcommonsense.Itdoesn’tevenstopwhenthepersonyoulovedies.Itdoeswhatitwants.
Evenifwhatyouwantistonotbeinlove.Chapter32
Alexis
Hewasmyboyfriend.
Wewereinlove.
Anditdidn’tchangeathing.Notreally.
Istillcouldn’tintroducehimtomyparentsormyfriends.Thejobwasstillgoingtotakemeawayfromhim.HestillhadtoliveinWakan,andIhadtoliveinMinneapolis.Iabsolutelyrefusedtolethimmove.Wewentaroundaboutitforhourslastnightuntilhefinallygaveup.
Iwouldn’tlethimsacrificehislifetotrytosalvagesomethingthatwouldn’tworkoutanyway.WhatdiditmatterifhelivedinMinneapolisifIwasn’tgoingtobehomesixdaysaweek?
HehadtostayinWakan.Daniel’slegacywasjustasimportantasmine.Maybemore.
ItfeltlikeWakanwouldceasetoexistifitdidn’thaveaGrantinit.Likeitwouldbeinstantlydilutedandthin,likeDanielheldittogethersomehow,justbybeingthere.
Icouldn’tevenexpresshowmuchitmeantthathewaswillingtoleavethatallbehindforme.ButIalsocouldn’tlethimdoit.Notforsomethingasdoomedasus.
Soallwe’ddonewasoptforthelife-supportversionoftheendinsteadofthecleanbreak.
Buthewantedtoseeifhecouldsaveourrelationship,andIlovedhimtoomuchtodotherightthingandsaynotoitentirely.SoIdidn’t.
Icouldn’t.
DanielwokeupearlyandmovedthebranchsoIcouldleaveforwork.IdrovebacktotheTwinCitiesintimeformyshift,feelingmentallyandemotionallyexhausted.
Thevotewastoday.They’dannouncetheresultsatsixo’clock.
Iworkedthemorning,thenheadedupstairstocastmyballotandwentstraighttotheERtothenurses’stationtowait.Briwasthere,chartingherpatients.Shewasoffatsixo’clocklikeme,butshe’dstuckaroundfortheannouncement.Itwas6:05whenMomandDadshowedupwithNeil,Gabby,andJessica.Theycameinthroughtheautomaticdoorsandwerestillhalfahallwayaway,buttheresultswereonDad’sface.
Igotit.
“Congratulations,”Brisaid,leaningintohugme.“Ivotedforyoutwice.”
Ilaughed,andsheletmego.“Callmewhenyou’rereadytogocelebrate.I’llleaveyoutothebrutesquad,”shesaid,noddingatmyfamily.Thenshegotupandleft.
Dadapproachedthenurses’station.“Youdidit!Wehaveanotherchiefinthefamily.Welldone.”
Iwasoddlyunexcitedforsomereason.Likeitwashappeningtosomeoneelse.
Iforcedasmileandcamearoundthenurses’stationsoGabby,Jessica,andMomcouldgivemehugs.Neilgavemeaheadnodofapproval.“Congratulations.”
“Whattimeareyouoff,princess?”Dadasked.“Wecangocatchdinner.”
“I’moffnowactu—”
Gabbygaspednexttome.“Oh.My.God…”
Iwrinkledmyforeheadandturnedaroundtoseewhatshewasgapingat,andmyheartsank
Danielwaswalkingtowardmewithflowers.
Iwasrenderedcompletelymute.Mymouthopenedandclosed,butnowordscameout.
“Isn’tthatthesquirrelguy?”Gabbyaskedfrombehindme.
Jessicadidn’ttakeaslongtocatchon.“Oh,Ali…”
Myearsstartedtoring.No.Nonononononono,thiswasn’thappening.
Danielclosedthegapbetweenus,beaming.“Hey.”
Iprocessedhiminsplit-secondclipsofhorror.He’dtrimmedhisbearddown,anditsomehowmanagedtomakehimlookevenyoungerthanhewas.HewasinafadedT-shirt,andhistattooswereshowing.Allofthem.Hehadonjeansandhisleatherbracelet,andhisbootsweremuddy.Normallynoneofthisevenremotelybotheredme.Infact,Ilikedhowhelooked.Thatwasoneofmyfavoriteshirts,probablywhyheworeit.ButIdidnotlikethisinthecontextofthissituation.Inthecontextofthissituation,thiswasmyworstnightmare
Heglancedatmyparents,Neil.ThenhenoddedatGabbyandJessica.“Hi.Nicetoseeyouagain.”Helookedalittlesurprisedtoseethemhere,whichmadesense,sinceI’dnevermentionedtheyworkedwithme.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Ibreathed
Hesmiled.“IthoughtI’dsurpriseyou.Takeyoutodinner.”
Mydadlookedhimupanddown.“Alexis,whoisthis?”
Iswallowed.“I…”
Danielputahandout.“DanielGrant.”
Daddidn’tshakehishand.Helookedatitlikeitwasdirty.
Andthen,insomeweirdalternateuniversemove,Neilsteppedin.“Neil.Nicetomeetyou.”
HeshookDaniel’shand,andpurepanicrippedthroughme.
“I’msorry,whoareyoutoher?”Momasked,lookingconfused.
“Um,”Ilickedmylips.“He’smy—”
Daniellookedatme,hiseyestellingmehewasstartingtoreadtheroom,andforasplitsecondIseriouslyconsideredlying.Sayinganythingotherthanthetruth.Mytrainer.Myfriend.Anoldacquaintancewhojusthappenedtoshowupwithflowerstotakemetodinner.AndthenIgraspedforwhatanswerwouldgivehimthemostprotectionfromthissituation.Iknewitwasn’tboyfriend,buthiseyeshadbeguntosearchmine,andIrealizedthathewouldn’tunderstand.Hewouldn’tforgivemeforthisagain,likehehadwhenIdiditwithJessicaandGabby.SoIsaidit.Ihadto.
“He’smyboyfriend.”
Nobodysaidaword.ThenDadbegantolaugh.ItwasthemaniacallaughofaDisneyvillain,andIfeltthewholeroomclosinginaroundme.
“Yourboyfriend?”Dadsaid,lookingbackandforthbetweenus,amused.Henoddedatmyex.“Didshetellyoushe’slivingwithNeil?”
IwatchedDanielblinkinshock.
“Cecil,it’sreallynotlikethat—”Neilsaidinatonethatwassurprisinglystoic.
Dadlaughed.“You’vebeenincouple’scounselingforthelastthreemonths,soI’dsayit’slikethat,wouldn’tyou?”
Neilpressedhislipsintoaline,buttohiscredithedidn’tsayanythingelse.
Dadshookhishead,lookingpositivelytitillated.“FirstyourbrothermarriesLolaSimone,andnowthis?”Hepracticallyhowled.
Daniellookedatmeandgavemeasmilethatdidn’treachhiseyes.“Callmewhenyougetoff.”Hehandedmetheflowers,kissedmeonthecheek,andleft.
Iwasgoingtohaveapanicattack.Icouldfeelmybreathingbecominglabored
Everyone’seyeswereonme.
“Ali,youcan’tbeserious…”Jessicasaid.
Gabbywaspracticallygyrating,smilinglikeshecouldn’twaittotellPhilip.Momhadahandoverhermouth,probablyrealizinghowbadthefalloutwouldbeforbothofusonceDadletthissinkin.Butforthemoment?Daddidn’tevenlookmad.Helookedentertained
ItoccurredtomethattheideaofDanielwassoridiculoustoDad,hewasn’tevenathreat.Thiswasajoketohim,likethewholethingwastooabsurdtoeventakeitseriously.
“Sohasheaskedyouformoneyyet?”Dadasked,stillchuckling.
“What?”Ibreathed.
“Money,”Dadsaid.“Hasheaskedforit?”
“No!”
“Butletmeguess.You’veofferedit,right?Itfeltlikeyouridea?”Dadlookedamused.
Iwastoooutofbreathtoanswerhim.Hetookmysilenceforayes.Anditwasayes,butitwasn’tlikethat.
Momlookedwhiplashed.“Alexis…”
Jessicawasshakingherhead.Gabbywastextingintoherphoneamillionwordsaminute,andNeillookedalmostsorryformeforsomereason.Icouldn’ttakeit.
Idroppedtheflowersonthenurses’stationandranafterDaniel.
BythetimeIcaughtupwithhim,hewashalfwayintotheparkinglot.“Daniel!”
Hekeptwalking.
Isprintedthelastfewfeetandgrabbedhisarm.“Daniel,please!”
Heturnedtome,hiseyesred.“Youlivewithhim?You’reincouple’scounseling?Thiswholefuckingtime?”
“It’snotlikethat,”Igasped.“Herefusestoleave.Hesleepsinthebasement.We’renotincounseling,weliedaboutit—”
Heshookhishead.“Younevertoldme.Youletmegetblindsided—”
Iwasridingtheedgeofhysteria.“Ididn’taskyoutocome!Whydidn’tyoucall?”
“Youhadthatvotetoday.Iwantedtosupportyou,tobethereforyou,likeyourboyfriendshould.WhatdidyouthinkImeantwhenIsaidIwantedtotry?Thisismetrying,youagreedtothis—”
“Youshouldn’thaveshownuplikethat—”
“Why?”Hethrewhishandsup.“Youshowuplikethatallthetime.EveryoneknowsI’mwithyou,allmyfriends,allmyfamily.Yousayyouloveme,butthosepeopleintheredidn’tevenknowIexist.”
“Daniel—”
“GabbyandJessicastilldon’tknowaboutus?Afterfourmonths?”
“Itoldyou,theyknowI’mseeingsomeone—”
“Butjustnotme.”
Heshookhisheadatme,andthelookonhisfacemademyheartbreak.“AmIreallythatfuckingembarrassingforyou?”
WhenIdidn’tanswer,heturnedandstartedforhistruck.Ididn’tchasehim.Icouldn’t.
IwasdrowningandIcouldn’tbreathe.Chapter33
Daniel
Igotinmytruckandsatthere,tooshakentodrive.
She’dbeenlivingwithsomeoneelse.Thiswholefuckingtime.ThatGeorgeClooneyguywhoshookmyhand,washethesurgeon?Theex?
Thatwastheex?
Iunderstoodnowinfullcolorwhatshemeantwhenshesaidourlivesdidn’tfit.Becauseifthiskindofguywaswhatherpeoplewereusedto,Ineverstoodadamnchance.
Andwhythehelldidheshakemyhand?
Ididn’tthinkshewascheatingonme.Buthowcouldshenottellmethatguywaslivinginherhouse?AndherbrotherwasmarriedtoLolaSimone?Sheneverthoughttocasuallymentionthathersister-in-lawwasoneofthebiggestrockstarsontheplanet?Whatelsehadn’tshetoldme?Wherethehelldidherfriendsthinkshewenteveryweekend?WheredidthatNeilguythinkshewent?Ifsheneededtolietothem,fine,butshedidn’tneedtolietome
Iknewtherewasmoretothis,butmybraincouldn’tworkthroughit.Mythoughtskeptjumpingaroundthewholeawkward,horribleencounter,fromtheblanklooksonGabby’sandJessica’sfacestotheguywhowasfuckinglaughing.AndtheworstthingofallwasIthinkthatwasherdad.IrecognizedhimfromtheHistoryChanneldocumentary.
Ididn’tshowuptheretomeetherfamilyandfriends.Iwouldn’tdothatwithoutherpermission.IwasjusttryingtoprovetoherImeantwhatIsaid.I’dputintheeffort,makethiswork.Itdidn’tevenoccurtomethateveryoneelsewouldhavethesameideaandbetheretocongratulateher.Ididn’tknowsheworkedwithGabbyandJessicaorherexbecauseshe’dnevertoldme.Apparentlyshedidn’ttellmeanything
Ifeltbetrayed,anditwasn’tevenrationalbecausewhatelsedidIexpect?Shesaidshedidn’tseeafuturewithus.She’dbeenveryclearwithmeonthat.She’dplannedonendingit,upuntillastnight,soIdon’tknowwhyanyofthissurprisedme.Buttoseeitwithmyowneyeswassomethingelse.
HowcouldwebeinloveandmeansomuchtoeachotherifnobodyinherworldevenknewwhoIwas?
AllofthisjustsolidifiedwhatIalreadyknew.Ireallydidn’texistforheroutsideofWakan.Shehadawholedifferentlife,oneIhadnothingtodowith,andshehadnointentionofincludingmein.
Iwasshakingtoomuchtodrive,soIsatthere,tryingtocalmdown.
ThenIheardatapatmywindow.Abrown-hairedwomaninblackscrubsstoodthere,eyeingme.
“AreyouDaniel?”shesaidthroughtheglass.
Iblinkedather.ThenIrolleddownthewindow.“Youknowme?”
“Yeah,I’mBri.I’mAlexis’sbestfriend.Ithoughtthatwasyou.Shedidn’ttellmeyouwerecomingtoday.”
“I…”Iclearedmythroatandstartedagain.“Isurprisedher.”
Hereyesgotbig.“Oh.Andwhatwasthatlike?”
Ishookmyhead.“Notgood.”
“Nope.Itwouldn’tbe.MindifIsit?”Shenoddedtothepassengerseat.
“Sure.”
Shecamearoundthebackofthetruckandletherselfin.Sheslammedthedoorandpivotedtolookatme.“Tellmewhathappened.”
Idraggedahanddownmybeard.“Icametobringherflowers.Shehadthatchiefthingtoday.Ifoundoutshe’slivingwithsomeguy—”
“Neil?”Shescoffed.“Thatguy’sadick.Firstofall,she’slivingwithNeillikeyoulivewithcockroaches.Shehatesit,itgrossesherout,andshedoesn’ttellanyonebecauseit’sembarrassing.Theyco-owntheproperty.Hewon’tleave.Hewantsthehouse,sohe’ssquattingtherelikeahoboagainstherwishes.They’regoingtocourtforitinafewweeksandthenoneofthemwillmoveout.Next.”
Iswallowed.Okay.Thatwasgood.Thatwassomething.
“GabbyandJessicawerethere—”
“Thewickedstepsisters.Ihatethosebitches.Alihasn’thungoutwiththeminmonths.Shedidn’tlikehowtheytreatedyouthatoneweekend.Theydon’tmatter.Next.”
“Therewassomeolderguyandanolderwoman.Grayhair.Serious.Hewouldn’tshakemyhand.”
Shesuckedairthroughherteeth.“Thosewereherparents.Wow,youwentthroughaportalrightintotheseventhlevelofhell.”
Ilaughed,eventhoughitwasn’tfunny
“Look,Idon’tknowwhatallwassaidanddonewhenyouwalkedinthere,butI’mgonnatellyouthis.Noneofitwasherfault.Herbrother,Derek?Hemovedoutofthecountrytoavoidintroducinghiswifetothosepeople.Thisisnotayouthing,it’sathemthing.IfIknowAli,she’sprobablyfreakingoutrightnow.”
Ifeltmybloodpressuregoingdown.“Okay.”Itiltedmyhead.“IsherbrotherreallymarriedtoLolaSimone?”
“Yup.ShenevertalkedtoyouaboutDerek?”
“Shedid.Shetoldmeallabouthimandthathewasmarried.Shejustdidn’ttellmewhohiswifewas,shejustcalledherNikki.”
“Shedidn’teventellmeuntilIsawitinthetabloids,andI’veknownherandDerekfortenyears.She’strustworthyandshekeepspromisesandshe’drespecttheirprivacy,eventoyou.She’sgoodlikethat.”
Ipuffedairfrommycheeks.Well,IguessIcouldn’treallybemadatherfordoingtherightthing.
Brilookedmeintheeye.“Look,Iknowallaboutyou.Shetellsme.I’veseeneverythingbutthedickpics.AndI’mtheonlyonewhomatters.Trustme.”
Iletoutashakybreath.“Okay.”Inodded.“Allright.”
Thenmycellphonepinged.Ipulleditout.ItwasAlexis.
“Isthather?”Briasked.
“Yeah.Shesentmeanaddress.”
“ChateaudeChambordStreet?”
Inodded.“Yes.”
“That’sherhouse.”Sheputherhandonthedoor.“Well,youbetterheadoverthere.Don’tworry,Neilworksuntilnine.Ialwayscheckhisschedule.Iliketosprayalittlevinegarintohislockerwhilehe’sonshift.Lethimgohomesmellinglikeasalad.”
Ilaughed.“Thankyou.”
Sheshookherhead.“Don’tthankme.Goodluck,Daniel.Ithinkyou’regoingtoneedit.”
Itooktheten-minutedrivetotheaddressshesentme.AsIwoundthroughthestreets,thehousesgotbiggerandbiggerandfartherapart.
WhenIpulleduptotheaddressshe’dtextedme,Istaredupindisbelief.
Herhousewasamansion.AndnotthewaytheGrantHousewasamansion.ThiswasthekindofplaceyousawonTVwhenyouwatchedshowsaboutcelebrities.YoucouldfithalfofWakan’sMainStreetonthelawn.
Shelivedhere?
Imean,Iknewshehadmoney.She’dofferedmefiftythousanddollarslikeitwasnothing.ButIdidn’tthinkshehadthiskindofmoney.Icouldn’tevenaffordtopaythewaterbillonaplacelikethis.
Igotoutofmytruck,feelingunsureIshouldevenleaveitparkedinthedriveway.Itlookedlikeaclodofdirtdroppedonawhitelinentablecloth.
AlexisopenedthefrontdoorbeforeIknocked.Shewasstillinherscrubs,andshe’dbeencrying.Shesteppedasidewithoutsayingawordtoletmein,andIpeeredaroundquietly.
Itwascavernous.Andcold
Everythingwasgray,likeafilterwasoverit.Thefloorswerewhitemarbleandtheceilingswerevaulted,whichonlymadetheroomseemmorehollow.Likeanicecave.
Shesniffed.“ThisiswhereIlive.”Shesaiditlikeanapology.
Sheledmethroughthehousesilently.Ourfootstepsechoedaswepassedanenormouslivingroomwithwhitesofas,ashinyblackpiano,mutedOrientalrugs,expensive-lookingpaintings.Therewasadiningroomwithatablethatcouldseattwentyandahugecrystalchandelieroverit.Thenahumongouskitchen,oneshehadn’tevenknownhowtouseuntilafewmonthsago.
Irememberedhercallingmewhenthepowerwasoutandhertellingmethestovewasgas.Iscoffedlookingatitnow.ItwasahugeVikingrange,nineburners,doubleoven,awall-mountedpotfilleroverit.HereIwasthinkingIwastalkingtoheraboutaregularoldovenanditwasthis.Itwasalmostcomical.
ThereweremorebathroomsthanIcouldcount.Hallwaysbiggerthanmyloftwithmarbletablesthathadfreshflowerarrangementsthesizeofmydogsittingonthem.Alibrarywithtwenty-foot-tallbookshelvesandaslidingladder.Atonepointwesawamaid.ShelookedatmelikeIconfusedher,likemaybeIwasanewemployeeorsomething.
Wemovedthroughanofficethatoverlookedalakeoutback.Therewereawardsanddiplomashanging.HersandNeil’s.Somanybetweenthem,theycoveredhalfawall.PhDs:Yaleforhim,StanfordandBerkeleyforher.TherewasapoolwithawaterfallthroughtheFrenchdoors,andIrememberedallthetimesAlexissatouttheretotalktome.Mesittinginmydusty,shittygaragewhereImadehersleep,andherinthisplace,likeapalace.
Ifeltalmostcatfished.Itwasridiculous,butIdid.Likeshehadn’tbeenfullyhonestaboutwhoshewas.Butintruth,shehadbeenhonest.Itwasjustthatmyimaginationhadfailedme.
Youfillinblanks.Youtaketheinformationgiventoyouandyoumakeassumptionsthatcompletethepictureinyourmind.Irealizednowthatallmypictureshadbeendrasticallywrong.ShewasahundredtimeshigherupthanI’deverallowedmyselftoimagine.Icouldn’tevengraspthiskindofwealth.
WhenI’dseenheratthehospitalearlier,eventhathadbeenasmallrealitycheck.Iknewshewasadoctor.I’dseenhertreatpatients.Butitwasdifferentseeingheractuallythere,wearingscrubsandstandinginanER,adoctor’snametaghangingoffherpocket.Iwasn’tfullypreparedforthat,evenwithallthelead-uptoit,andIdefinitelywasn’tpreparedforthis.
Igotnowwhyshedidn’tknowhowtocleanorcook—Ireallygotit.Becausesomeonewhocouldlivelikethishadpeoplerunningtheirlivesforthem.Peoplelikeme
NowIunderstoodevenmorewhatImusthavelookedliketoherfriendsandfamily,whytheyreactedthewaytheydid.EspeciallynowthatI’dseenherex.Iwaseverythingoppositeofthatguy.Howdidsomeonelikemefit?Iwasuncomfortableevenbeinginthishouse.Icouldn’timaginebeingwithherhere,cookinginthatkitchen,evensittingin
Shetookmeupagrand,twistingstaircasethatmadetheoneathomelooksmallincomparison.Threemoreguestrooms,morebathrooms,andfinallyaroomwithadeadboltonthedoor.SheunlockeditandstoodbackwhileIwentinside
Itwasthemasterbedroom.
Ilookedaround,notsayingaword.Itwasbrightandwarm,likeitwasn’tapartoftherestofthehouse.Aking-sizebedsatinthemiddleofit.Therewereplushchairsandarose-coloredbedspread.Aframedphotographofagirlinafieldofpoppies.TherewasasmallfridgepushedagainstthewallwithamicrowaveontopandaKeurig.ItwastheonlyroomthatfeltlikethewomanshewasinWakan.
ItwastheonlyplacewhereIfinallysawus
Shehadknickknacksonhernightstand.Smalltreasures.LittlethingsI’dmadeher,araccoonI’dcarvedfromwood,justsomethingfunnyI’dwhittledoutinanhour.Therewasajarofthestrawberryjamwe’dmadeafewweeksago,oneofmyhoodiestossedoverachair.
Theheart-shapedrock.
Souvenirs.
Thiswaswhyshewantedmetoseeherhouse.Itwasworthamillionwordsofexplanation.
Forthefirsttimeshecamefullcircleforme.Ifinallysawallofher.Shecametogetherlikeapuzzlethathadbeenmissingpieces.Itwaslikeshewastwodifferentpeople.
AndthenIrealizedshewas
Whoshewaswithmewaswhoshewasonvacation.WhoshewasinWakanwasn’treallife.
Thiswasherreallife.
AndIknewbeforesheevensaidanythingthatshewasn’tgoingtoaskmetobeapartofit.
Shesniffed,andshelookedlikeshemightstartcryingagain.“MydadwantsmetogetbackwithNeil,”shesaid.“Heloveshimandwon’tacceptourbreakup.Neil’sforcingmetolivewithhimbecausehewantsthehouseintheseparation—andhewantsmeback,”sheadded.“Ican’tleavemyjobtobewithyoubecauseifIdoI’llbreakahundred-and-twenty-five-yearfamilylegacy.Andifyoucomeheretobewithme,you’llloseyourhouseandmyparentswon’teverspeaktomeagain.”
Shepressedherlipstogetherlikeshewastryingnottosob.“Sothat’swhereweare.I’msorry,Daniel…”
Ifeltmythroatgettight,andIforcedmyselftosaythewordsIalreadyknewtheanswerto.“Areyoubreakingupwithme?”Iasked,myvoicethick.
Shelookedanguished.“Weknewitwasn’tgoingtolast.WegotmoretimethanIthoughtwewould,andI’msogratefulforit.”Hervoicecrackedonthelastword.
Ifeltlikemyheartwasbeingcrushedinmychest.AndIdidn’tevenhaveanythingtosaybecausethiswasn’tonme.I’dleavemylifetobehereifshewantedthat.I’dlearntogetusedtoall…this.I’ddealwithit,becauseifthealternativewasbeingwithouther,Icouldneverchooseit.Butthiswasn’tmychoice.Itwasn’tuptometodecideforhertobedisownedorwhateverthehellherparentswoulddo.
Andwhatafucked-upthingtoevenputonsomeone.Whatkindofpeoplewerethese?
ButthenIalreadyknew.
ForthefirsttimeItrulysawwhatshewastryingtomakemeunderstandeverytimeshetoldmethiswouldn’tworkout.
Itwasn’tjustamoneygaporanagegaporevenasocialgapbetweenus.Itwaseverything.Herentirefamilyconspiringagainstus.Herfriends.Logistics.Fate.AthousandqualifiersthatI’dneverhave,thingsthatwouldhavehadtohavehappenedatbirth,generationsago,tohelpmenow.Awell-connectedfamily,abettereducation,amoreimportantplacethanWakan.
Allwehadwasourloveforeachother.That’sallwehad.
Noneoftheotherpartsworkedorfitormadesense.
ButIdidn’tneedittomakesense,becauseformethelovewaseverything,itwasallIneeded.
Butitwasn’tenoughforher
Peopledon’tstayinWakan.Theycomeandtheyhaveamagicaltime,andthentheygobacktotheirreallives.I’dfalleninlovewithatourist.Becausethat’swhatshewas.
Andthevacationwasover.
Myeyesweretearingup.“Alexis,please.Comehomewithme.Orletmestay.Don’tmakemeleaveyou…”
Herchinquivered,andshelookedawayfromme.
“Pleasedon’tdothis,”Iwhispered.
Iswalloweddownthelumpinmythroat.“Onedayyou’regoingtorealizethemistakeyou’remaking.Please,Alexis.Realizeitnow.”
Shewouldn’t.Shedidn’t.Shemademeleavefiveminuteslater.Chapter34
Alexis
EverydaysinceIbrokeupwithDanielamonthago,Iwentthroughthemotionslikearobot.
Iwokeup,tookashower,wenttowork.Onmyinfrequentdaysoff,Islept.Allday.Andmydreamswereworsethanreality.
IdreamedofDanielmostly.OfWakanandtheGrantHouse,runningthroughtherooms,lookingforhim.AndwhenIwokeup,I’dfeelaroundforasecondtofindhim,onlytorememberhewasn’tthereandneverwouldbeagain.
Iwasalwaystirednow.Andmybrainwasmisfiring.
Icouldn’trememberthestainedglassonthelanding.Itwastheoddestthing.Itwasjustgonefrommymemory,likeWakanhaddecidedtokeepitwhenIleft.Wasitagarden?Ordeerinameadow?Oramosaic?Itbotheredmesomuch,IwenttoTripAdvisortoseeifanyonehadpostedpictures,andtherewasn’tasingleone.Oneofthemostbeautifulthingsinthehouse,andnobodyhadtakenaphoto?TheonlyoneIfoundofitwasablack-and-whiteofthestaircaseonawebsiteabouthistoricMinnesotahomes.Itwastakentheyearthehousewasbuilt.Butthewindowwascompletelyblack.Likethecamerahadmalfunctioned.
Mymindreacheduselesslyforthememoryandthenfinallygaveup.ItwassomethingthatonlybelongedtoWakan.Andyoucouldn’thaveitonceyouleft.
Noteveninyourdreams.
Itookmydressing-downbyDadfortheDanielthingwithsolittleemotion,helostinterestandgaveuponlecturingme.Iwaslikeacatatonicpatient.Azombie.
Ididn’trespondtoGabbyandJessica’stexts.Ididn’ttakeBriuponherofferstogotodinnerorcomeover.Ijustburiedmyselfinwork,keptmovingsononeofwhathappenedwouldcatchupwithmeandpinmedown.
Momstoppedbyafewdaysafterthesceneatthehospital.ShewashurtIhadn’ttoldheraboutDaniel.ThenshebeggedmetoapologizetoDadforlyingabouttryingtoworkitoutwithNeil.
Whatheneededanapologyfor,Icouldn’tunderstand.Hewastheonlyonegettingeverythinghewanted.
Iwondered,lookingather,ifDadhadluredherinoncelikeNeildidtome.Ifhemadeherfeellikethemostspecialwomanintheworld,pretendedtobesomeonedifferent,dangledtheMontgomerylegacythatshevaluedsomuch—andbythetimeheshowedherwhohereallywas,itwastoolate.Andevenwithoutaskingher,Iknewthat’sthewayitwas.
Thedayaftertomorrowwasthequasquicentennial.Itwasmychancetonetworkwiththeboardandimportantinvestorsforthehospital.ItwasthefirsttimethatI’dbeoperatingasaMontgomeryinanofficialcapacity,steppingintotheroleI’dseenMomplaymyentirelife.
Ishouldhavebeenlookingforwardtoit.Notthepartyortheschmoozingpart,butthebeginningofmyabilitytomakeadifference.AndIcouldn’tevenmustertheenergytocareaboutit.Itfeltcompletelymeaninglesstome.Everythingdid.
Thisiswhatdepressionfeltlike.
IthoughtithadbeenbadbackwhenIwaswithNeil.ButthiswasadarknessI’dneverexperiencedbefore.Mybodyfeltatrophied,likethesimpleactofgettingupwasafeat.
Nothingmademesmile.NoneofthethingsItypicallylovedappealedtome.AnditoccurredtomethatIhaddrowned.Ididn’tsavemyself.AndnowIwasjustfloating,weightless,deadinside.
Iwonderedwhenitwouldgetbetter—whendoingtherightthingwouldstarttofeelliketherightthing.Ididn’tjustendthisforme,IdiditforDaniel.Sohewouldn’tleavehislife.Sohewouldn’tbesubjectedtothethingsthatmyfriendsandfamilywouldputhimthrough,nomatterhowmuchIwouldtrytoshieldhimfromitifhewashere
Ifthiswasthebestthingforbothofus,whywasitso,sohard?
Igotoffevenlaterthanusual.Therehadbeenamasscasualtysituationatwork,amulti-carpileup.Aseven-year-oldhaddied,andI’dhadtotellthefamily.
ItwasoneofthosedayswhenIwishedevenmorethanusualthatIcouldgobeinWakanwithDaniel.ThatIcouldlieinbedwithhim,whisperinginthedark,lettinghimbrushthehairoffmyforeheadandkissme.Feeltherumblinginhischestwhilehetoldmethatitwasgoingtobeokay.He’dmakesureIate,eventhoughIwouldn’twantto.PutmeinoneofhisT-shirtswhilehe’dcookmedinner,andHunterwouldhavehischininmylap.
ButIwouldneverfeelthatsafeandcaredforagain.Iwouldn’tfindthatkindofloveasecondtime.Iwouldn’teventry.IknewhowluckyIwastoevenhavehaditonce.
Iwouldbesinglefortherestofmylife.Nokids,nomarriage.Ididn’twantitwithanyoneelse.Iwouldbemycareernow.IwouldfinallybewhatDadwanted.NothingbutaMontgomery—andagoodonetoo.Onewithoutanydistractions.
Andthelegacywoulddiewithme.
Derekwouldn’tbeback,andIwouldneverhaveanheir.Intheirlackofforesight,myparentshadeffectivelysetintomotionthedestructionoftheonethingtheycaredmostabout.
IthinktheystillthoughtI’dgetbackwithNeil.Marryhim,havechildrenwho’dgrowupunderthesameabusivedynamicIhad,withanarcissistic,controllingfatherandamothertooworndowntoprotectthem.
Itwouldneverhappen.
Thiswasthepriceoftheirprejudice.
Gracewouldhavecostthemnothing.
Iwalkedintomydarkbedroomanddroppedmybagonthefloor.Ipeeredaroundtiredly.
Ihadn’tmovedanyofDaniel’sthings.Theheart-shapedrockwaswhereI’dleftit.ThelasthoodieI’dstolenfromhimwasstilldrapedovermychair.Istoodtherenow,staringatit.
Itwouldstillsmelllikehim.Icouldputitonandclimbintobedandimaginethathewasholdingme.
AndthenIwonderedifhewasholdingsomeoneelse.Seeingotherpeoplealready.Tryingtomoveonlikeheshould.IpicturedDougdragginghimtobars,gettinghimonadatingapp.
Maybesomeothergirlwaswearinghishoodiesnow.
Itkickedthelegsrightoutfromunderme.
MostdaysIwasstrong.IwasabletolivewiththechoicesIhadmade.ThechoicesIwasforcedtomake.Icouldfighttheurgetocallhimandhearhisvoice.Icouldstayaway.
Butnottoday.Chapter35
Daniel
Ifeltlikeadifferentperson.
LikeI’dagedacenturysincethelasttimeIsawher.IfeltmorelikePopsthanmyself.Iwasbitterandsickofeverything.AndeverydayIgotworseinsteadofbetter.
LosingAlexiswouldaltermeforever.Liketheringsinatree,youcouldopenmeupfiftyyearsfromnowandseewhenithappened,seethedamage.Iwasruined.I’dneverbeasgoodeveragain.
Ididn’tlaughanymore.Ididn’twanttoseeanyone.DougandBriancircledmeconstantly,butIwasabeartobearound.Ifeltbadaboutit,soIstoppedansweringthedoorwhentheycameover.
TheonlygoodthingthathadhappenedsinceAlexisleftmewasthatI’draisedthemoneyforthehouse.Thesalehadjustbeenfinalizedtwodaysago.
I’dputupthelastofmycustompiecesfortwicewhatAlexishadchargedherfriends.Threetimesasmuch,fourtimesasmuch.BecauseIdidn’tcare.Ididn’tcareifpeopleboughtthem.Ididn’tcareiftheydidn’t.Ididn’tevencareifIsavedthehouse.Andthefunnythingwas,thehigherIpricedthem,themorepeopleseemedtowantthem.Theyjustpaidit.SoIraisedthemoneyandbecameasuccessfulcarpenterovernight,ahomeowner.Andthevictorywassohollow,Ididn’tevencarethatI’ddoneit,becauseIdidn’twantanyofitwithouther.
Shewastheone.I’dhadfourmonthstomakeherknowittoo,andI’dfailed.NowIwouldlivewiththatfailurefortherestofmylife.
Ididn’tneedtokeeprunningGrantHouseasaB&B,nowthatIwasmakingsomuchwithmycarpentry.Andthatwasgood,becauseIcouldn’tstandtostepfootinit.Notwithouther.Icouldn’tlookatthesnow-coveredlandscapeonthestainedglassonthelandingortherosesonthebanisterorthemosaicaroundthefireplacebecauseitwaswhereI’dfalleninlovewithher,andthatwassopainfulformenow,Icouldn’tlaymyeyesonit.SoIshutthehousedownandleftitvacant.
IwasdrivingbyDoug’splacewithHunteronthewaybackfromhaulingsomestufftothedumpanddecidedtostop.IknewifIdidn’tmakeatleastafewappearances,they’dneverlayoffme.Ididn’ttellhimIwascoming.Justsatonhisporchuntilhesawmytruckoutside.
Iheardthescreendoorslam,andasecondlaterDougwashandingmeacanofCoke.
“Thanks,”Imumbled,takingit.
Itwassohumidyoucould’vecuttheairwithaknife.
Dougsatdownintherockingchairnexttomeandopenedhissodawithapith.“Don’tlikethelooksofthoseclouds.”
Ididn’tanswer.
IthadbeenpouringeverydaysinceAlexisleft.Ithadbeensomiserablethetownwasalmostemptyoftourists.Couldn’tusethebiketrailortheriver,couldn’twalkaround.Alltheweekendershadcanceled.Evenwhenitstopped,itdidn’treallystop.Thesunnevercameout,nothingwaseverdry.Thenitwouldstartagain,liketherewasnolimittohowmuchwatercouldfallfromthesky.
Huntersatatmyfeet,hisheadonhispaws.MydoghadbeengoodeversinceAlexishadleft.LikeheknewIcouldn’tdealwithhisshitrightnow—orhewastoosadtogivemeany.Athomehekeptstaringatthedriveway,waiting.EverytimeItriedtobringhimin,he’dfighttheleash.SoIjustlefthimoutthere.
“Didyoueattoday?”Dougasked.
I’dbeenlosingweight.Noappetite.HeprobablynoticeditmorethanIdid,notseeingmeeverydaylikeheusedto
ItwasamomentbeforeIgavehimaslowheadshake.
“Yougottaeat,man.Yougethungry,andyou’regonnafeelworse.”
“Nothingcanmakemefeelworse,”Isaid,myvoicerough.Iwasmortallywounded.Asandwichwasn’tgoingtosaveme.
Hedidn’tanswer.Hejustprocuredagranolabarfromsomewhereandhandedittome.Itookitslowlyandjuststaredatitinmyhand.
“Thishurtssomuch,”Isaid.“Ican’tbreathewithouther.Ijustwantittostop.”
Dougpeeredoutintotheyard.“Maybeit’snotmeanttostop.Maybethisissupposedtomakeyoustrong.”
“It’snotmakingmestrong.It’skillingme.”
Hejustlookedoutoverthepastures.Wewentquietforafewmoments.
“I’mleaving,”Isaid.
Heturnedtolookatme.“What?”
“I’vebeenthinkingaboutitforawhile.Ican’tbeinthisplacewithouther.Ican’tbreathehere.”
Thunderrumbledoverhead.
“But…youcan’tleave,man.Whatthehellareyougonnadosomewhereelse?”
Ishrugged.ThesamethingIdidhere.I’dmissher.That’swhatI’ddo.ButatleastthenI’dbemissingherinaplacethatdidn’tremindmeofhereverysecond.
Itwasamazingthatoneseasonofsomeonecouldpaintoveralifetime.Thiswasn’ttheplaceIgrewupinanymore.Itwasn’tmyhome.ItwasjustthelastplaceIwaswithher.AndwhywouldIwanttorememberthat?
Asharpgustcutthroughtheproperty,andabucketrolledacrosstheyard.Wewatcheditbouncelikeawhitetumbleweedandthendisappearbehindthebarn.
“Iwasn’twhatsheneeded,”IsaidsoquietlyIdidn’tthinkheheardme.
“Yeah,youwere,”Dougsaid.“She’sjustgotothershitgoingon,shitthatdoesn’thaveanythingtodowithyou.”
Ishookmyhead.“Yes,itdoes.Shewasembarrassedofme.Iwasn’tgoodenough.Iwasn’tworththetrade-off.”
“Youknowwhat?”Dougsaidfromnexttome.“Shelovedyou.Idon’tcarewhatyouthink.Isawit.Everyonedid.”
Istayedquiet.Shedidloveme.Iknewthat.Ibelievedthat.Butwhatdoeslovematterwhenitcan’toutweightherestofit?
Therainstartedtofall.Itcamedowninheavysheetssothicktinycreeksstartedtoforminthegrass.Dragonfliesdartedaroundinthedownpour.
Dougsquintedoutattheyard.“What’supwiththisweather?Ihaven’tseenitlikethissincethemonthyourgrandparentsdied.Thisshit’sridiculous.”
Ididn’tanswer.Becausetheanswerdidn’tmatter.
Nothingdid.
“I’mgoing,”Isaid,gettingup.Hunterroselikehisboneshurtanddraggedafterme.
“Well,whenareyouleaving?”
“Idon’tknow.Tomorrowmaybe.Thedayafter.Ineedtopackupmytools.”
“Don’tgo,”Dougsaid.“Stayfordinner.Orlet’sgoout,dosomethingfun.WecangotoJane’s.”
ItmustspeaktomymentalstatethatDougwastheoneworriedaboutme
Ishookmyhead.“I’llcallyouwhenIlandsomewhere.”Ipaused,lookingatmyfriend.“Thankyou.Foreverything.”
Helookedlikehewantedtosaysomethingelse,buthedidn’t.IturnedandwalkedwithHunterthroughtheraintomytruck.Igotin,drenched.
IpeeredupatthecloudsasIpulledoffthepropertyandstarteddrivinghomealongtheriver,mywetshirtclingingtome.
Ididn’tknowwhereIwouldgowhenIleft.South.That’sallIhad.South.I’djustdriveuntilIranoutofgasorout-drovetherain.Thethoughtofcomingupwithaplanfeltsoexhaustingtome,Icouldn’tevenconsiderit.
MaybeitwouldgetbetterthefartherawayIgotfromhereandher.Maybeitwouldliftlikeafog,andI’dbeabletobreatheandthinkenoughtofunctionagain.
WhenIgothome,Ipeeledoffmywetclothesandclimbedintobed.Itwasonlysixo’clockandIwasmorewearythantired,butIdidn’twanttobeawakeanymore.
Ifellintooneofthosesleepsofthebrokenhearted.Thekindthatbreathesinandout,betweenhereandgone.Youwanttodreamaboutthembutthenregretitwhenyoudo,becausewakinguphurtstoomuch.Soyouhopefornothingbutblack.Thetemporaryreprievefromexistingwithoutthem.
Itwasdarkoutsidewhenmyphonerang.Rainwastappingontheroof.
Ialmostdidn’tanswerthecall.IwasgladIdid.Becauseitwasher
“Hello?”Isaidintothedarkness.
TherewasalongpausebeforeIgotaquiet“Hi.”
Myheartdidn’tpoundthewayIwouldhavethoughtatgettinganunexpectedphonecallfromher,amonthsincethelasttimeI’dheardhervoice.Butitdidn’tfeellikethiswasactuallyhappening.Itfeltlikeadream.LikeIwasn’tfullyawake.AndthenwhenIstartedtorealizethatIwasawake,myheartdidn’tpoundbecauseitwasinpiecesinmychestanditdidn’tworkanymore.
Wejustsatthere,quiet.Likejustbeingonthephonenotsayingawordtoeachotherwasitsownformofcommunication.
Itwas.
Athousandwordspassedthroughthesilence.
Shemissedme.
Shewasthinkingaboutme.
Shelovedme.
Notasingleoneofthosethingsstoppedbeingtruewhensheendedus.Andthatwasthemosttragicthingofall.
“Howhaveyoubeen?”sheaskedintothesilence.
“Fine,”Ilied.
Alongpause.
“Didyousaveupenoughforthehouse?”
Iletoutabreath.“Yeah.Idid.”
“Youdid?”Shesoundedgenuinelyhappyforme.“That’samazing.”
“Yeah,theEtsystoreandInstagrampagehelpedalot.Sothankyou.”
Icouldpicturehernodding.
“YouwanttoknowhowIdidit?”Iasked.
“Yes.”
“Iraisedmyprices.Alot.Like,twelvethousanddollarsforthatlightningstriketable.”
“Youdid?”
“Yeah.Irealizedwhenyouhitzerofucks,that’swhennegotiationsbegin.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Asmallsmileinhervoice.
“It’sjustthatIdidn’tcareiftheysoldornot.Whenyoudon’tcare,everything’sonyourterms.Theycantakeitorleaveit.Itdoesn’tmattertoyou,soaskforwhateverthehellyouwant.”
“Ahhh.Well,Ialwaysthoughtyouwereundercharging.I’dpaythatforoneofyourtables.”
“Yeah,well,you’reaKardashian,so…”
Shegasped.“IamnotaKardashian.”
Ismiledalittle.“Haveyouseenyourhouse?”
Shemadeaplayfulindignantnoise.
“Youevenhaveasurgeonlivinginthebasement.”
Sheletoutalaugh.ThesoundmademefeelhappierthanI’dfeltinweeks.
Itamazedmehoweasilywejuststartedagain.Butthenitdidn’t.BecauseifIdidn’tseeherfortwentyyears,itwouldstillbelikethis.ItwaslikethisfromthemomentI’dmether,anditwouldalwaysbelikethisbetweenus.Thiswaspartofit.Thisiswhatmadeiteasy.
Thisiswhatmadeithard.
“Whereareyou?”Iasked.
“Inmyroom.Inmybed.”
TheachethatIfeltatthiswasalmostmorethanIcouldstand.
Icouldpicturethatroomnow.Whereshewaslying,theblanketshewastuckedunder.Icouldbethere.Orshecouldbehere.Orwecouldbeanywhere,aslongasweweretogether,andeverythingwouldbeokayagain.
“Whereareyou?”sheasked.
“Inmybed.”
Nowshewentquiet,andIwonderedifshewasthinkingthesamethingIhad.
“Isyourroomdark?”sheasked.
“Yeah.ButIforgottoturnthelightoffinthebathroom,sothere’salittlelightcomingfromunderthedoor.Isyoursdark?”
“Totallydark.”
Therewassomethingintimateaboutcallingsomeoneinthepitchblackofyourbedroominthemiddleofthenight.It’slikeawhisper.It’sprivate.Itmeanssomething.
IwantedtoaskherifthethingsI’dgivenherwerestillonthenightstand.Ifshewaswearingoneofmyhoodies.Butitwouldbreakmyhearteitherway.
“Sohowiseveryone?”sheasked.
Irubbedmyforehead.“They’regood.KevinBaconhasahashtagonInstagramnow.Dougjustsortofgaveupkeepinghimlockedup,soKevinhangsoutbythefudgeshopbeggingforhandoutsandtakingselfieswithtourists.”
“Sohe’slivinghisbestlife.”
“Oh,yes.”
“AndHunter?”
Ipaused,debatingifIshouldtellherhowhe’dactuallybeen.“He’sgood.He’shere,withme.”
Hewasn’t.Hewassleepingontheporchofthehouse,waitingforhertocomehome.
“LizleftJake,”Isaid,changingthesubject.
“Shedid?”Hervoicebrightened.
“Yeah.SheshowedupafewweeksagowithablackeyeandDoreen.Shetookthatstuffyouwerekeepingforher.BroughtitdowntothepolicestationinRochester.”
“Shegotarestrainingorder?”
“Yup.”Iscoffed.“Butheviolateditanyway.Camebacklookingforher.Popspulledagunonhim.”
“What?”
“RightinthemiddleofMainStreet,infrontofeveryone.Toldhimhewouldshoothisballsoffifheevercameback.”Ilaughedalittle.“Jakefiledanassaultcharge,butnobodysawanything.”
Shesnorted.“Ofcoursetheydidn’t.”
“Anyway,Lizhadhimarrestedforviolatingtherestrainingorder.ThenIguessshehadabunchofotherdirtonhim.Hegotfired.He’llbeatleasttwoyearsinjail.Hewon’tbeback.”
“Good.WhatdidBriansay?”
“Hewashappy.Theywentonadatelastnight,actually.”
Ifeltherbeamingthroughthephone.
“IhaveitonthehighestauthoritythatLiz’scarwasstillparkedoutsideofBrian’shousethismorning,”Isaid.
“Thehighestauthority?”
“Doug.”
Shelaughed.
“Sothat’sitthen?”shesaid.“NomorepolicepresenceinWakan?”
“No,wehavetohaveatleastone.TheysentusanewguynamedWade.Hejustparksthepolicecruiserbythewalkingpathandplaysonhisphone.Ithinkhe’sboredoutofhismind.”
“Well,maybehe’llbebetterthanJakeatcurbingtheteenagercrimewave,”shesaid.
“Maybe.”
Wewentquietagain.
“How’syournewjob?”Iasked.
Ipicturedashrug.“It’salot.Iworkfourteen-hourdays.Myfeethurtallthetime.”
Ididn’twanttotellherthatifIwasthere,I’drubthemeverynight.I’dhaveabathreadyforherwhenshegothome,I’dhaveherscrubsfortomorrowwashedandpressedandlaidout,dinnerready.I’dtakecareofher.
Ifeltalumpforminmythroat.
Nobodywastakingcareofher.Thathurtalmostasmuchasthethoughtofsomeotherguydoingit.
Almost.
Shegotquietontheotherend.WewerequietforsolongI’dhavethoughtwe’dlostthecallifIdidn’theartheoccasionalshiftthroughtheline.Therainoutsidemywindowfilledthelongsilence,andIwished,somuch,thatshewaswithme.ThatshewaslyingnexttomeandIcouldsmellherhairandwakeupandmakeherbreakfast.Thatallthethingswetalkedaboutcouldbethingswebothalreadyknewbecausewe’dbeentogetherwhentheyhappened.
Mychestfelttight,andIclutchedahandovermyheartandsqueezed.
Imissedhersomuchitwasphysicallypainful.Itwasaformofgrief.Awithdrawal.Starvation.
Itwasunnatural.BecauseIwasn’tsupposedtobewithouther.Myeyesstartedtotearup.
There’ssomethingmorefinalthanforever.It’snever.Neverisinfinite.
Iwouldneverseeheragain.Iwouldnevertouchheragain.Iwouldnevermakeherlunchorlistentoherbreathingwhilesheslept.We’dnevergetmarriedorhavechildrenordieonthesameday.AndIwouldn’tdothosethingswithanyonebecauseitwouldjustbethepoorman’sversionofwhatI’dhadwithherandI’dalwaysknowthat.
“Daniel…”
Ihadtoswallowhardtoanswer.“Yeah?”
Iheardhersniffinthedarkness.
“Willyoustillcomeforme?”sheaskedquietly.
“What?”Iaskedgently.
“Ifthere’sazombieapocalypse.Willyoucomegetmelikeyousaid?”
Ihadtomovethephoneawayfrommymouth.Tearssqueezedfrommyeyes.“Youmeaniftheworldendsandnoneofthisshitmattersanymore?”Isaid,myvoicethick.
“Yes,”shewhispered.
Hottearssliddownmycheeks.
“Theworldisending,Alexis.That’swhatthisfeelslike.Socomewithmenow.”
Shestartedsobbingsoftlyinthebackground,andIhadtoputmyphoneonmutesoshewouldn’thearmecry.
Theholeinsideofmewassodeep,itwasallIwas.Ididn’tknowhowI’dlivetherestofmylifewithouther.AndthenIknewunequivocallythatleavingWakanwouldn’tchangeanyofit.Itwouldn’tgetbettersomewhereelse.Becauseyoucarrylovewithyou.AndtherealizationthatIcouldn’tescapethiswassodevastating,sooverwhelming,Icouldn’tbreathe.
“Ihavetogo,”shesaid.
Thenshewasgone.
Ibawledintomypillowlikeababy.AndwhenIwasdone,IblockedhernumbersoshecouldneverdothistomeagainChapter36
Alexis
I’dcriedallnight.
Callinghimmadeitamilliontimesworse.Ishouldhaveneverdoneit.I’djustopenedthewound,andnowIwasbleedingagain.HemorrhagingandIcouldn’tmakeitstop.
Iduginmyclosetwithred,puffyeyesforwhatIplannedonwearingforthegalatomorrow.Itwasasleeveless,floor-lengthsilverballgownwithafull,puffytulleskirt.I’dboughtitatNeimanMarcuslastyearonagirls’triptoNewYorkwithJessicaandGabby.Justboughtit,thisfour-thousand-dollardress,forfun.Noeventplanned,nowheretogoinit.
Itoccurredtomenowhowtotallyfrivolousandridiculousthatwas.
IwasnotthesamewomanIwasbackthen.
ItosseditunceremoniouslyontothebedandputthesilverstrappyheelsIwantednexttoit,pickedoutjewelryandsetitinalittlepile.
MymakeupwouldbedoneandmyhairwouldbesweptintoadramaticupdowithatinydiamondtiarathatMominsistedIwear.Itwasafamilyheirloomfrommygreat-great-grandmother.Shehadwornittothefifty-yearRoyaumeNorthwesternanniversarycelebration,somymotherthoughtitwasfitting.
I’dputallthisonandgothroughthemotionsatthisparty.I’dsmileandmeetpeople.ButI’dbeemptyinsidethewholetime,andnobodywouldbethewiser.NobodywouldknowthatI’dlostanentiretown,themanIloved,andmostofmyself.
Someoneknockedonmybedroomdoor,andIdraggedmyselftoopenit.Neilwasstandingthere.
“What,”Isaidflatly.
“Briana’shere,”hesaid.
“Okay…”
“She’smakingyouadrinkinthekitchen.IwaswonderingifIcouldtalktoyou.Justforaminute.”
Ipressedmylipsintoalineandthenpushedthedooropen,resigned.“Comein.”
Hesteppedinsideandclosedthedoorbehindhim.Heslippedhishandsintohispockets.“Tomorrowyourparentsareseatingmeattheheadtablewiththem.”
Whichmeanttheywereseatingustogether.Great.
Ishookmyhead.“No.I’mnotsittingwithyoulikeyourdate.I’llsitnexttomymom,yousitnexttomydad.”
“Okay.”
Ieyedhim.“Okay?You’renotgoingtofightme?Forceme?”
“Ali,I’msorry.”
Ishookmyheadathim,annoyed.“What?”
“I’msorryforeverythingIputyouthrough.”
Istaredathimamomentbeforecrossingmyarms.“Whichwaswhat?”
Thisoughttobegood.
Heseemedtostrugglewithwhathewasgoingtosay.“Ali,mylifeisnot…happy.AndI’mstartingtorealizethat’smyownfault.I’vebeenreallytryingtounderstandwhyIdosomeofthethingsIdo,andIthinkthetherapywasthebestthingyoucouldhaveaskedofme.”
Iscoffed,buthisgazewassteady.“Youknow,IlostRebeccatoo.Thiswasn’ttheonlyrelationshipI’vestruggledwith.”
Rebeccawashisex-wife.Cam’smom.
“Ali,youwere—are—themostimportantpersoninmylife.AndIknowthatIdidn’tshowyouthatverywell,butI…”Hepaused.“WhenIwasgrowingup,therelationshipIsawwithmyparentswasnothealthy.MydaddidsomeofthethingstomymomthatIdidtoyou.AndIthinkIdidthembecauseIwassoafraidoflosingyou.”Heputahandout.“Iknowthatseemscounterintuitive.ButifImadeyouinsecure,itmeantyou’dneverleave.AndIknowthat’snotright.It’snotanexcuse.Butitisthereason.IneverdidanyofitbecauseIdidn’tloveyou.IdiditbecauseIdid.AndIdidn’tknowhowtodealwiththat.”
Ishookmyheadathim.“Youcheatedonme.”
Hiseyesweresad.“Iknow.IknowthatIroyally,royallymessedthisup.Ihaveissues,Ali.Abandonmentissues,problemswithconfidence.IthinkIdidwhatIdidbecauseIcouldseeyougettingreadytoleaveme,andifIsabotagedtherelationship,Iwasstillincontrolofhowyouleft.It’sthesamethingIdidtoRebecca.Ijust…Ihaveproblems.AndIhavealotofworkIstillneedtodoaboutthat.ButifIdon’t,I’mnevergoingtobehappyandI’mnevergoingtobeabletomakeanyoneelsehappyeither.”Hepaused.“I’mgivingyouthehouse.”
Myarmsdropped.
“Youcanhaveit,”hesaid.“Youcanhavewhateveryouwant.”
Ilickedmylips.“You’llmoveout?”
Henodded.“Ifthat’swhatyouwant,yes.”
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Andwhatdoyouwant?BecauseIcan’timaginethisactofgenerositycomeswithoutaprice.”
Helookedatthefloor.“AllIwantisforyoutobeopentonothatingme.”Hiseyescamebackuptomine.“Andmaybe,inafewmonths,afterI’vefiguredoutmylifealittlemore,youmighthaveroominyourhearttocomewithmetoafewcouple’scounselingsessions—notbecauseIdidmyendofthebargain.Becauseyouwantto.Justtosee.BecauseIknowyoulovedmeonce,andIknowIcanbebetter.AndIamsoscaredoflosingyou.”
IrealizedthenthatIrecognizedthelookonhisface.I’djustneverseenhimwearitbefore.Hewasbeinggenuine
Iletmyhardexpressionsoftenalittle.“I’llthinkaboutit.”
Hesmiledgently.“Okay.Thankyou.”
Ipausedamoment.“ThankyouforbeingnicetoDanielthatday.”
Helookedawayfromme.“Iknewyouwereseeingsomeone.I’mnotanidiot.”Hiseyescamebacktomine.“Butgracecostsyounothing.Isn’tthatwhatyousaid?Ifiguredthat’swhatyou’dwanttoseefromme.”
Somethingaboutitmademyeyestearup.Itwasn’tthatNeilhadtranscended.Itwasthatinaroundaboutway,Danielhadcausedit.
Danielwasarippleonthewater.Hetouchedeveryone.Eventhepeoplehe’dnevermet.
Neilgavemeonelastlingeringlook.Thenhelethimselfout.Whenheopenedthedoor,Briwasstandingthere,herhandraisedtoknock.“Neil,”shesaid,lookingsurprised.“Youinthewrongroom?There’ssomeorphansdownstairs.Ifyouhurryyoucancatchthem,tellthemSantaisn’treal.”
Heignoredthecomment,andherdirtylook,andleft.
Bricameinwithtwosalt-rimmedglassesandapitcherofsomethingthatsmelledlikepuretequila.
“Margaritas!”shesang.“It’ssuperstrong.ImeasuredthePatrónwithmyheart.”Shekickedthedoorclosedbehindher.“SowhatdidSatanwant?”
“Hewantedtoapologize.”
Shesettheglassesonmynightstand.“Like,actually?”
“Ithinkso.”Isatonthebed.“He’sgivingmethehouse.”
“Really?”
“That’swhathesaid.Also,mydadputmenexttohimatdinnertomorrow,”Iadded.
“Ofcoursehedid.”Shestuckafingerinhermouthlikeshewasgagging.
Shestartedpouringourdrinks.“Iwouldn’tputtoomuchstockinthatapology.Justsoyouknow,nineoutoftentimes,peoplelikethatdon’tactuallychange.Theyjustlearntobebettermanipulators,soyouthinktheydid,andthentheydoallllthesameshit.”
Inodded.“Iknow.Theydon’talwayschange.”Ipaused.“ButIdobelievehewantsto.”
Shethoughtaboutitforamomentandthenbobbedherhead.“Okay.I’llgivehimthatmuch.”
Shehandedmethepinkconcoctionandploppedonthebednexttomewithherownglass.“Atoast,”Brisaid.“Tomysoon-to-be-ex-husband.Mayhegetthatantibiotic-resistantstrainofchlamydia.”
Ilaughedandweclinkedourglasses.Thenwetookasipandwinced.
“Oh,myGod.”Icoughed.
“Whooo!”Sheshookherhead,choking.“Wow.Mycheck-liverlightjustwenton.”
Ilaughed,makingaface.
“Ithinkwe’vealreadyhadenough.”Shetookmyglassfrommeandputitonthedressernexttohersbeforesittingbackdown.
Ilaybackonthebedontopoftheskirtofmydress,andshelaywithme.Webothstaredattheceiling,inacloudoftulle.
“Imisshim…”Iwhispered.
Shepausedforalongbeat.“Iknow.”
Wewentquietforamoment.
“Icalledhimlastnight.Icouldn’thelpit.Itfeelsimpossible,Bri.HowamIgoingtogetthroughthis?”
Sheturnedtolookatme.“Youknowwhat’sgreataboutDerekandhiswife?I’vebeenthinkingalotaboutthis.”
“What.”
“There’snothinginitforhimexceptforher.Yourparentshateher.Hisfriendsdon’tgetit.HehadtomovetoCambodiatobewithher.Nothingabouttheirbeingtogetherissimple.Soyouknowhe’swithherbecausehereallylovesher.There’snootherexplanation.”Shelookedbackatmyceilingfan.“There’ssomethingsopeacefulaboutthat,tojusthitzerofucksabouteverythingelsebutthepersonyoulove.”Shepaused.“IwishIhadthat.”
“IloveDanielmorethanI’veeverlovedanyone,butitdoesn’tmaketherestofitdisappear.”
“It’snotsupposedtomakeitdisappear.Itjustprioritizesthings.”
Ishookmyhead.“Ishouldbehappyrightnow,”Iwhispered.“Igotmyhouse.IgotthejobIwanted.Myparentsareoffmyback.I’mfulfillingmyobligationtoRoyaume.Neilisfinallygoingtobeoutofmylife.I’mgoingtobeabletohelpthousandsofpeople,savelives,makeadifference.AndIamabsolutely,onehundredpercentmiserable.Iamsounhappy,Bri,Ican’tevenstandit.Ifallthesethingsaresowonderfulandsoimportantandsomeaningful,thenwhydoIfeellikethis?”
“Becauseyoucan’tbreathe.”
Ilolledmyheadtolookather.“What?”
“You’redeadinside.You’velostthethingthatgivesyoulife.”
Iwatchedherquietly.“IsthathowyoufeltwhenNickleft?”
Shescoffed.“Fuckno.You’rewayworsethanIwas.”
Isnorted.
“Seriously,Iwouldn’tgivethatjackassthesatisfaction.Butyou?You’reamess.”
Ilaughedalittle.
Sheturnedtolookatme.“CanIaskyouaquestion?”
“Yeah…”
“Ifyoucouldwipeyourwholelifecleanandrebuilditfromscratchandnobodywouldquestionhowyou’vedoneit,whatorderwouldyouputitin?Royaumefirst?Thenyourparents?ThenDaniel?”
Ishookmyhead.“No…”
“Thenwhat?”
Ipausedtothinkaboutitamoment.“Daniel.ThenWakan.ThenRoyaumeandeverythingelse.”
Shejabbedafingeratme.“That’swhyyoufeellikeshit,Ali.You’realloutoforder.”
Iblinkedather.“Whatdoyoumean?”
Sheproppedherselfonherelbows.“WhatImeanisyouhavebeenconditionedyourentirelifetoliveforeveryoneelse.Todowhat’sexpectedofyou,toblindlyserve.YouwerepromisedtoRoyaumeNorthwesternbeforeyouwereevenborn.Andit’sasuperimportantthingandI’mnotsayingitisn’t,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouhavetodoit.Youcandecidetoputyourselffirst—youdohaveachoice.It’snotaneasychoice.It’snotwithoutconsequences.Butyoudohaveachoice.
“IfyourlifeisthisbadwithoutDanielinit,thenmaybeyouneedtotakeanotherlookatyourpriorities.Derekdid.Imean,forhimtodothisCambodiathing,he’dhavetohavefeltlikeyoufeelrightnow,don’tyouthink?Idon’tthinkhedidn’tcareaboutRoyaumeoryouorhisparents.Ijustthinkattheendofthedayhejustdidn’tcaremorethanhecaredabouther.”Sheshrugged.“Shewashisnonnegotiable.”
“Hisnonnegotiable…”
“Yeah.Theonethinghecouldn’tlivewithout.Everythingelsewasjusteverythingelse.”
Ishookmyheadather.“But…butIcan’tleaveRoyaume—”
“Imean,can’tyou?You’regoingtohelppeople,nomatterwhereyouendup,Ali.Yeah,it’snotgonnabeonthescalethatyoucanatRoyaume.Butyoucanstillsavelives.Derekis.Hefoundaway.Andpersonally,Ithinkahundredandtwenty-fiveyearsisaniceroundnumbertoenditon,ifyouwantmyopinion.”
Isatupandgawkedather.
“What?Seriously.Ifyouleft,wouldyoufeelworsethanyoudorightnow?”sheasked.“Ifyoujustsaid‘Fuckit’anddipped,wouldyoubeasunhappyasyouaretoday?”
Iblinkedather.Becausetheanswerwasremarkablysimple.“No.”
“Youdon’thavetofeellikethis.Youliterallydon’t.Quit.Leave.Pickhim.Pickyourself.”
Istaredatheralongmoment.ThenIstartedtobreathehard.
Iwasn’tallowedtothinkaboutleaving.Icouldn’tbetheonetomakethissuggestion,becauseitwastooselfishandtooself-serving.Itwasaforbiddenfantasy,tootraitorousformetoevenentertain.ButthesecondBrispokeitintotheuniverse,myheartgrabbedontoitandran.
BecausewhatifIdid?
WhatifIquit?
WhatifjustforonceIdidwhatIwanted?InsteadofthinkingaboutmyparentsorthelegacyortheplethoraofpeopleI’dnevermetwhowouldbenefitonedayfrommestayingwhereIwas.
Mymindimmediatelywentthereandplayedoutquittinginmyhead,likeamovieonfastforward.
Iwasmentallyinmycar,drivingtoWakan,divingintoDaniel’sarms,sobbingintohisneck,beggingforhisforgiveness.
Thereliefatjustthinkingthiswaspalpable.
ThethoughtthatIcouldendmymisery,stopmysuffering,wassuchanenormousweightoffmyshoulders,IfeltlikeIwantedtojumpoffthebedandboltfromtheroom.Icouldfeeltheideagettingsobigandaliveinjustthefewmomentsitwasout,itnolongerfitintothetinyboxofimpossiblethingsthatIhadkeptitin.
WhatifIdid…
ButIcouldn’t.CouldI?
HowcouldIlivewiththeguilt?Withtheshame?
Withoutmyparents…
Becauseforalltheirfaults,theywerestilltheonlyonesI’deverhave.AndifIdidthis,theywouldneverspeaktomeagain.ItwouldbeworsethanwhatDerekdid.I’dbeendingthelegacy.Itwouldneverbeforgiven.Ever.Iwouldlosethemforever.
ButthenhowcouldIlivewithlosingDanielforever?
HowcouldIwakeupeverydayforthenextfiftyyearsandfunctionlikethis,knowingthatIdidn’thaveto.Thatfeelingthiswasachoice,adecisionImade.ThatI’dpickedthisformeandhim.
Andthatwasthemostcrucialpartofall.
HowDanielmustfeel,havingthisbreakupthrustonhimagainsthiswill.Havingnosayinanyofit.Wasn’tthatworsethanalltherestofit?HurtingsomeoneIlovedwhoseonlycrimehadbeenunconditionallylovingmeback?
Myparentshadneverlovedmeunconditionally.Never.SothenwhywasIlovingthemthatway?Whydidtheydeservethat?WhydidIthinkIhadtosellmysoulinsteadofthemmaybelearningtobeopen-mindedortolerantorjustquietaboutthechoicestheirchildrenweremaking?
ButIknewwhyIthoughtIhadtogivethemthat…
Icouldhearmytherapistinmyhead,breakingitdownformethewaysheprobablywouldhavebeendoingforweeksifI’dstillbeengoingtoseeher.
Mydadwasmyabuser.
HewasnodifferentthanNeil.
Andmymomwashisenabler.
I’dspentmywholelifechasingmyfather’saffectionandapproval,acceptinghishurtfulwords,lettinghimgetawaywithit.AndI’dalwaysthoughtMomwasavictimtoo,thatwewereinittogether—andmaybeinawaywewere.Butforthefirsttime,maybeever,Isawitdifferently.
Becausesheneverprotectedus.
Momhadnormalizedthisabuse.Indulgedit.She’dmademeaparticipant,reinforcedthisbehaviorbygivingmyfatherwhathewantedwhenheactedthisway.ThemostinfluentialwomaninmylifehadmodeledthisformefromthedayIwasbornandtoldmetotakeit.She’dtaughtmethis,primedmeformyrelationshipwithNeil.Mademebelievethatthiswaswhatlovelookedlike.
Briwasright.I’dbeentaughttoplacateassholes.
I’dbeentaughtbyMom.
Myheartstartedtopound.
Itwastoomuchtounpacknow,allthelayersofdysfunctionandtheconsequencesoftheirexistence.Icouldn’tthinkaboutwhoI’dbeifI’dneverbeenborntothisfamilyorifI’dbeenshownlovewithoutconditionsoramotherwiththestrengthtoenforcetheboundariesshenevercould.Icouldn’tgoback.Ididn’tevenwantto.
Ijustwantedout.
Ididn’twanttocoddlemytoxicparents.Ididn’twanttodieamartyronthepyreofRoyaumeNorthwestern,nomatterhowhonorablethatmightbe.Ididn’twantmyeighty-hour-a-weekjobbecauseeventhoughitshouldbe,itwasn’tfillingmywell.Ididn’twantthishouseorthislife.
AllIwantedwasDaniel.
BeingwithoutDanielwasworsethananythingI’deverexperienced.AndIcouldn’thaveknownthisuntilIlivedit.Icouldn’tinmywildestdreamshaveimaginedhowutterlyunlivablethislifewouldbewithouthiminit,untilitactuallyhappened.
ButDanielcould.
Heknew,weeksago,monthsago,whatthiswouldfeellike.Itwaswhyhe’dbeenwillingtoleaveWakanforme.He’dknown.AndIhadn’t.
Ihadtodrownfirst.
AndIwasfinally,finallyreadytosavemyself.
Somethingflippedinmybrain.
Anenormous,stuckgearslowlyturnedinsideofme,andanunmovablebuildingblockofmyverymakeupshifted.Danielrosetothetop,andeverythingelserepositionedwithaheavymetallicclankthatechoedthroughmyentireexistence.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,myparentsandRoyaumeNorthwesterntooksecondseattosomethingelse,andthemomenttheydid,afloodofnewthinkingpouredout.IdeasIneverwouldhaveconsideredbeganbubblingup,sloshingaround,spillingintomymind.Amentalclogdisintegrated,andalternatepathwaysstartedtoform.
AndthenIknewwhattodo.Iknewitsoclearly,Istartedtolaugh.
Igotupanddartedacrosstheroomformyphone.
Britwistedtowatchme.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“I’mcallinganemergencymeetingofthehospitalboard,”Isaid,pullingupmyemail.
Sheshookherhead.“But—it’saFriday.They’renotgoingtocometalktoyoutonight—”
“TheywilliftheystillwantaMontgomeryonstaffthistimetomorrow.”
IhurriedlytypedouttheemailandhitSend.
ItwaswhatDanielhadsaidlastnight.Whenyoudon’tcare,everything’sonyourterms.Theycantakeitorleaveit.Itdoesn’tmattertoyou,soaskforwhateverthehellyouwant.
It’snotthatIdidn’tcareaboutRoyaume.It’sthatIdidn’tcaremoreaboutitthanDaniel.
Soletthenegotiationsbegin…Chapter37
Alexis
I’dbeencallingDanielsincelastnight.Hisphonewasgoingrighttovoicemail,andmytextswereunread.
Iwasexhausted.I’dbarelyslept.Mymeetingwiththehospitalboardwentuntilalmostmidnight,andthenI’dspenttwohoursonasatellitephonecallwithmybrotherandhiswife.Ihadtorewritemyspeech,getDanielatickettothegala,andputatuxonholdforhimatashopinMinneapolis.ThenIlefthimamessage,begginghimtocome.Whenhedidn’tcallmebackorreturnmytexts,IcalledtheVFWlookingforhim.Hannahsaidhehadn’tbeenthereinweeks,soIcalledDoug.
DougtoldmeDanielsaidhewasmovingoutofWakan.Thathecouldn’tbethereanymore.Thathewasprobablyalreadygone.
Becauseofme.
I’dbrokenhisheart.
I’dthoughtlettinghimgowasthemosthumanething.Themosthumanethingwouldhavebeentolethimstay.
Danielhadbeenreadytogiveuphiswholeworldformeonce.He’dalwaysknownwhatcamefirst.HewaswillingtotradeWakan,theGrantHouse,hislegacy—alltojoinmeinthisshallow,hostileplace,becausebeingwithoutmewasunacceptabletohim.
AndIhadn’tfeltthesamewhenitmattered.
IhadallowedhimtothinkIwasembarrassedbyhim,thathewasn’tworthanysacrifice,nomatterhowbig.Thathewasn’teverythingtomethatIwastohim.I’dhadonefootoutthedoorsincetheverybeginning,I’dnevergivenhimeverything,I’ddeniedhim,hidhim.AndthenIabandonedhim.
Ibetrayedhim.
Soifheneverwantedtospeaktomeagain,couldIevenblamehim?
Ihadtopushitdown.Itwasn’tgoingtohelpgetmethroughwhatIhadtodo.AndIwasdoingitwhetherheshowedupornot.
Itwassixo’clockandIwasatthequasquicentennial.Icouldn’tshakehandsandholdaphone.Mygowndidn’thavepockets,somycellwasbackatthetableinaclutchwhereIcouldn’tcheckit.I’dgivenDaniel’snumbertoBriandaskedhertokeeptryingtogetintouchwithhim.Ididn’tknowhowthatwasgoing,becauseshe’ddisappearedforty-fiveminutesago,andIhadn’tseenhersince.
Theeventwaswellunderway.Morethanfivehundredwereinattendance,acarefullycultivatedinvite-onlylist.AredcarpetwelcomedguestsintoaMidsummerNight’sDream–themedvenue.
Theceilinghadbeentransformedintoanightskycompletewithtwinklingstars.Flowersdrippedfromthewalls,andcandlesflickeredonthelinen-coveredtablesundertoweringfloralcenterpieceswithbejeweleddragonfliesinthem.They’devenbroughtintrees.Serversinwhiteglovescarriedtraysofappetizersandchampagnearound.Icesculpturessatateverybar.Therewasaliveband.Stylemagazineswereherewithothermedia.Theywerecallingitthepartyofthecentury.I’dalreadyposedfordozensofphotosanddonehalfadozeninterviewswhileMomlookedon,pleased.
Myparentslookedlikethekingandqueeninaroomfulloftheirsubjects.Everyonewasshinyandglittery.JessicaandGabbywerestandingintheirgownswiththeirdistinguishedhusbandsoverbythebarwithNeilandDad.
Thiswasthefirsttimeinmorethanfortyyearsthatoneofmyparentswasn’tthespeakerforabigRoyaumeevent.Mydoingitwasaceremoniouspassingofthetorch,somethingDerekwouldhavebeendoingwithoutquestionifhehadn’tleft.
Icouldstillpicturehowitwouldhavegoneifthisgalahadtakenplaceayearago.Thisalternatereality.Mybrother,handsomeandcharismatic,makingeveryonelaughduringhisspeechthatnodoubtwouldhavebeenequalpartscharmingandinspiring.Iwouldhavebeenhere,butIwouldhavebeenlargelyignored.InsecurearmcandytoNeil,whowasabiggerdealthanIwas.Onlyhalfheartedlyintroducedbymylegendaryfather—andonlywhenIwasstandingcloseenoughthatitwasabsolutelynecessary.
Somuchhadchanged.
Anditwasgoingtochangemorestill.
Aspeoplearrived,theyhadtomaketheirwaydownanenormousmarblestaircasetotheballroomfloorwherethetableswere.Itmadeeveryentranceagrandone,andpartofthefunwaswatchingeveryone.MomandIstoodatthebaseofthestairs,greetingpeopleastheycamein.
Momkneweveryone’sname.She’dwhisperittomebeforetheygottothebottomofthesteps.Foreignprincesanddignitaries,realestatemogulsandpoliticians,actors.Therewasevenafamousvloggerhere,abigdonorfortheALSclinicaltrialsRoyaumewasdoing.
Therewerebillionsofdollarsinthisroom.Bottomlesspockets.Andforthefirsttime,IknewexactlywhatIwantedtodowiththatmoney.IknewwhoI’dbetotheMontgomerylegacy,howRoyaumewouldrememberme,whatthehistorybookswouldwrite,andhowI’dspendtherestofmylife.
Inthelasttwenty-fourhours,I’dachievedakindofclaritythatI’dneverthoughtpossible.
MywholelifeI’dalwaysfeltalittlefracturedandscattered.ProbablybecauseitwasalwayssomeoneelsetryingtodecidewhatIneededtobe.Iwasamosaicofsomeoneelse’sdesignwherenoneofthefragmentswereputintherightplace.AndnowIhadfinallyputmyselftogetherandIrecognizedmyselffortheveryfirsttime.
I’dmademyarrangementswiththeboard.I’dcoordinatedwithmybrotherandhiswife.Everythingwasinplace.IjusthopedDanielshowedupforit.
Asthesteadystreamofarrivinggueststurnedintoatrickle,Momleanedin.“Iamsoimpressed,Alexis.Iknowthisisn’tusuallywhatyou’recomfortablewith,butyou’redoingsowell.”
Ikeptmyeyestrainedonthetopofthesteps,hopingthatthenextpersontoappeartherewouldbeDaniel.
“Ithinkyou’dbesurprisedathowmotivatedIam,”Isaid.
GabbyandJessicalefttheirhusbandsatthebarwithNeilandcameover.Momsawthemcomingandexcusedherselftochatwithanoldcolleagueandleftmewiththem.ThiswasthefirsttimeI’dspokentoeitherofthemsincethedayDanielcameintotheER.
AssoonasIwasinearshot,Jessicasighedloudly.“Howlongaretheygoingtomakeuswaitfordinner?Atfivehundreddollarsaseatyou’dthinkthey’datleastfeedusatareasonablehour.”
Gabbystoppedinfrontofme,pokingattheiceinhermojitowithastraw.“Yourdressispretty.”
“Thanks,”Imumbled,glancingatthetopofthesteps.
Sheputherstrawtohermouth.“SoPhilipsaysNeilaskedhimtohelphimlookforanapartment.”
WhenIdidn’tanswershewenton.“That’sgood,right?”
“Itis,”Isaidflatly.
“So,like,that’sitthen?”sheasked,talkingaroundherstraw.“Youguysareover?”
“We’vebeenover,”Iremindedher.
“Iknow.It’sjustkindofromanticthathetriedsohardtogetyouback.Iwaskindofrootingforhimattheend.”
Iscoffedinternally.Whichpartwasromantic?Himholdingmehostageinmyownhome?Orhimfinallygettingthehelpheneededsohecouldbeahalfwaydecenthumanbeingworthdating?
Ididn’tbothertoreply.
Shejustwantedgossip.Andshe’dhaveplentyofitbytheendofthenight—butnoneofitwouldbeaboutNeil.
Gabbyshiftedherfeetlikemysilencewasmakingherimpatient.“Sohaveyoutalkedtothatguy?”sheasked.
Ilookedathernowandcockedmyhead.“Youmeanthesquirrelguy?”
Sheblinkedatme.“I—”
“Youmethim.Youspentthreedayslivinginhishome.Youknowhisname,”Isaid.“Maybeyoushouldcheckyourone-starreviewfortheGrantHouseandcomebackwithit.”
Shegawkedatme.
EvenJessica’sjawdropped.
Ahorntrumpeted.Acinematictouchtoleteveryoneknowitwastimetoheadtothetables.Jessicaclearedherthroat.“Finally.Let’sgo.”SheturnedtotakeherseatandGabbyscurriedafterher.
Dadmadehiswayoverinhistux,holdingawhiskey,andMomfinishedupherchatandjoinedusatthebottomofthesteps.“Neil’sgettingyouaglassofwine,”Dadsaid,noddingatthelineatthebar.
Peoplewerebeginningtositdown,butMomandDaddidn’tmove.
Momprobablywantedtobetheretogreetanystragglers,andDadwaseitherwaitingonNeilorwantingtokeephisimposingpositionovertheroom.Eitherway,itwasaproblem.
Iwantedtogetmypurseandcheckmyphone.ButIwastooafraidDanielwouldshowupandwalkrightintomyparentswithoutmethere.SoIstayedwhereIwastoo,chewingonmylipandnervouslyglancingatthetopofthesteps.
EverysecondthattickedbywithoutDanielarriving,Igotmoreanxious.Thegalastartedatfive-thirty.Hewasoveranhourlate.
Ibegantogetthesinkingfeelingthathewasn’tcoming.
Iknewhemissedme.Iknewhestilllovedme.IcouldfeelitwhenIwasonthephonewithhimthatnight.
Butthatdidn’tmeanhewasgoingtoforgiveme.
Aphotomontageofthelasthundredandtwenty-fiveyearsofhospitalhistorybegantoplayasserversplacedsaladsinfrontofguests.Iwouldtakethestagerightafter.
Dadtookaswallowofhisdrink.“Itrustyourspeechisready,”hesaidtome,hisvoicelow.“Thisisahistoricevent.Ihopeyou’readequatelyprepared.”
Ihadtoletaslow,calmingbreathoutthroughmynose.
Itwasfunnyhowthesecasual,carelessjabsweresoobvioustomenow.Iwassousedtothemgrowingup,Ididn’tevennoticethem.TheywerethebuildingblocksofeverythingI’dacceptedfromNeil.
InsteadofgivingmewordsofencouragementbeforeIstoodinfrontoffivehundredpeople,Dadchosetoremindmejusthowlittleconfidencehehadinme.HewantedmetoknowthatheassumedIdidn’tunderstandthesignificanceofthisgalaandhadn’tbotheredtogetreadyforit.ButmostlyitannoyedmebecauseitwasaslighttoMom.
She’dbeentheonetocoachandpreparemeforthisoverthelastfewmonths,andheclearlydidn’tbelievethatMom,whohadbeenaprofessionalpublicspeakerforthelastfortyyears,haddoneherduediligencebeforereleasingmeintothewildatarguablythemostimportantRoyaumeeventofherlifetime.Itwasinsulting.AndMomignoredtheimplication,asusual,becausesheneverchosetofight.Forherselforme.Butthatwasfine.Becauseforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwasreadytofightformyself.
Iwaspreparedtogivemyspeech.ThoughtheoneIwasabouttodeliverwasn’ttheonewe’dpracticed.Myparentshadnoideawhatwasabouttohappen.I’daskedtheboardtokeepourdiscussionprivate,andthey’dagreed.
Tonightwouldbefullofsurprises.
Black-and-whitephotosofthehospital’sconstructionflickeredacrossthejumbotrons.Thencolorphotos.1950s.1960s.Myfamily,featuredinalmosteverysingleslide.Wewereatthemid2000sinthemontagewhenNeilstartedtomakehiswayfromthebarwithmyglassofwine.Dadleanedover.“Neiltellsmeyoutwohadanencouragingdiscussion.”
“It’sgoodtohearthetherapy’shelping,”Isaiddismissively,lookingbacktothetopofthestairs.
“I’mgladyou’vecometoyoursenses,”hesaid,goingon.“Tothinkyoucouldhavebeenherewiththatboy.”Hechuckledintohisglass.
Isnapped
MyheadwhippedsofastIalmostlostmytiara.“Don’tyouevertalkaboutDaniellikethatinmypresenceeveragain.HimorNikki.”
Mom’sjawdropped,andDadloweredhisglassandpinnedmewithawarningglare.“Youbemindfulofyourtone,younglady,”hesaid,hisvoicelow.
Istraightenedmyshoulders.“No.”
Momshifteduncomfortably.“Dear,Ithinkthey’reabouttocallyouup,”shesaidquietly,puttingahandonmyarm.“Maybeyoushouldgostandbythestage.I’llmakesureyourdrinkmakesittothetable—”
“I’mnotsittingwithyou,”Isaidsharply.
Momblinkedatme.“You’renotsittingwithus?Whynot?”
“Iboughtnewseats.”
“You’renotsittingwithNeil?”Dadasked,lookingconfused.
“No,Iamnot.I’veinvitedDaniel,andifI’mluckyhemightactuallyshowup,soIcanbeghimforforgivenessforthewayIletyoutreathim.”
ThewayItreatedhim.
Thephotomontageended,andtheCEOtookthepodium.Iwasonintwominutes.
Ilookedbackandforthbetweenmyopenmouthedparents,shakingmyhead.“Mom,Ireallyhopeyoufindyourvoice.Iknowit’sinthere.Foryourownsake,IhopetoGodyoulookforit.”
Iturnedtomyfather.
“Dad,youaregoingtobeaverylonelyoldman.Yourworldisabouttobeassmallasyourmind.Youwon’thaveyourchildren.Youwon’tgettheprivilegeofknowingthepeopletheylove.Youwon’tholdyourgrandchildren,youwon’tseethemgrowup.”Ishookmyhead.“Butatleastyou’llhaveNeil.”
Iturnedandstartedforthestage.ThenIstoppedandlookedbackatthem.“Also,youshouldknowthateffectivetomorrowI’veresignedfrommypositionaschief.”
Mom’sfacefell,andDadwentbrightred.
“DomeafavorandletNeilknowthehouseishis.I’llbemovedoutbytheendoftheweek.I’llgoaheadanddisownmyselftosaveyouthetrouble.Nowexcuseme.Ihavetogodeliveraspeech.”
Ipickeduptheskirtofmydress,mademywaythroughthetables,andclimbedthestagejustasIwasbeingintroduced.
Itookthepodiumtoclapping,twolargejumbotronsfloatingbehindme.IthankedtheCEOandadjustedmymicrophoneasIlookedoutovertheaudience.
Eventhoughmyspeechwasn’ttheoneI’dpracticedformonthsunderMom’stutelage,Ididn’tneedateleprompterornotes.Iwasready.Ifeltcompletelyandutterlycalm.LikeIwasborntodothis—andreally,Iwas
Dadneverexpectedmetoamounttomuch.Andforatime,neitherdidI.Myentirelife,DadmademefeellikeIwastheweakestlink,themostuselessprincess.Awasteofmyfamily’sDNA.
ButtodayIwasaMontgomery.
Itpulsedthroughmyveins,pouredoutofme.ItfeltlikeIwasthefinalformofeverythingmybloodlineaspiredtobe.IwasbetteratbeingaMontgomerythanevenDerekwas—becauseI’dfinallyfoundthecallingthatanchoredmetomybirthright.Itputfireinme.Gavemethetirelessdriveandrazor-sharpfocusofsomeonewhobelievedinsomething.
AndIcouldn’twaittogetstarted.
IscannedthecrowdonemoretimeforBriandDaniel—andIsawthatBrihadappearedatthebackoftheroom.Shewavedandgavemeathumbs-up.
Wasitagood-luckthumbs-up?OraI-got-hold-of-Danielthumbs-up?Hewasn’twithher…
Ilookedaroundthefacesonemoretime,butIdidn’tseehim.AndIcouldn’twaitanylongertobegin.SoIdid.
“ThankyouforjoiningusonthishistoricmilestoneinRoyaumeNorthwesternhistory.”Myvoicewassteadyandconfident.“Onthisdayin1897,thedoorsopenedforthefirsttime,andmygreat-great-great-grandfatherDr.CharlesEdwardMontgomerybeganhisrounds.Today,ahundredandtwenty-fiveyearslater,Iamcontinuingalegacythatmyfamilyisunbelievablyproudof,walkingthehallsofwhat’sbecomeoneofthefinesthospitalsintheworld.
“Withyourgenerousdonations,we’vepioneeredmedicalbreakthroughs,establishedourselvesasoneoftheleadingresearchandtraininghospitalsontheglobe,andwe’vesavedcountlesslives.Royaumeishometosomeofthebestdoctorsevertopracticemedicine.Weareadestinationforunparalleledtalent,andweleadourindustryinmedicaladvancements.ItisonthestrengthofthisfoundationthatwearethrilledtoannouncetoyoutonightthenewdirectionoftheMontgomeryLegacyandmyfamily’srelationshipwithRoyaumeNorthwestern.”
ThiswasthemomentmymotherrealizedIwasoffscript.
Iwatchedherfaceregisterthelastline,andsheleanedoverandsaidsomethinghurriedtomyfather.
“Asyoumayknow,”Isaid,continuing,“IamthechiefofemergencymedicinehereatRoyaume.Andifthere’sanythingI’velearnedinmyrole,it’sthatinmostcases,emergencieswouldn’tbeemergenciesifpatientshadaccesstoaffordableroutinemedicalcare.
“Cost-prohibitivetreatmentscostlives.
“Ihaveseenuntreatedcutsturnintosepsis.Sinusinfectionsbecomepneumoniabecauseapatientcan’taffordasimpledoctorvisitforantibiotics.I’vehaddiabeticpatientsloselimbsbecausethey’rerationinginsulin,stage-fourterminalcancerthatcouldhavebeendetectedearlierandtreatedwithaccesstoproperyearlyscreenings.”Ipausedforeffectandgavetheaudienceanarchedeyebrow.“Ihaveseenpatientsstitchthemselvesupwithginandfishhooksbecausetheycan’taffordatriptotheER.”
Igavetheroomasecondtochuckle.
“Thereareonlysomanywingsthatwecanaddontoabuilding.Soit’stimeforthehealingpowerthatisRoyaumeNorthwesterntoexpandinanewway.
“Startingnextweek,wewillbebreakinggroundonthefirstofRoyaume’ssatellitecliniclocations.Theseclinicswillprovidefreemedicalcaretounderserved,low-incomecommunities,beginningwithalocationinGrantCountyinthetownofWakan,andasecondremotelocationinCambodia,wheremybrother,Dr.DerekMontgomery,andhiswife,Nikki,arealreadyoperating.
“IwillberelocatingtopersonallyoverseetheWakanlocation.
“Overthenextdecade,itisourgoaltoexpandthisprogramtodisadvantagedcommunitiesallovertheworld.”Ipaused.“Fromthisdayforward,RoyaumeNorthwesternwillnotjustbehere.Itwillbewhereverweareneededmost.
“IthasbeenmyabsoluteprivilegetogrowupaMontgomeryintheRoyaumeNorthwesternfamily.AndIamexcitedandhonoredtocontinueourtraditionofexcellencebysharingthegiftthatisRoyaumeNorthwesternbeyondthewallsthatmyforefathersbuilt.
“Givegenerouslytoday.Bidhigh.Wearebuildinganewbeginning.
“Thankyou.”
Thunderousapplause.
IcouldseeGabbyandJessicacheeringandnodding.Neilwasclapping.Briwasgivingmeastandingovation,smilingsobig,itlookedlikeshewasgoingtoburst.Andthefunnythingwas,myparentslookedlikethattoo.Momwasbeaming,lookingprouderthanI’deverseenher.EvenDadwasgrinningandclapping.
Ironicallyenough,thiswasprobablythefirsttimeI’dactuallyimpressedhim.Itwasgroundbreakingandinnovative.Forwardmovementfortheinstitution,somethingthehospitalhadneverdonebeforethatbroughtDerekbackintothefoldandensuredthesurvivalofthefranchiseforprobablygenerationstocome.Andithadn’tevenbeenhardtocomeupwithitonceIhadmyprioritiesstraight,becauseitwasinservicetowhatIcaredaboutmost.
Daniel,Wakan,Royaume—andtheneverythingelse.Inthatorder.
Iwentintothatmeetingreadytoquitiftheysaidno.Buttheboardlovedit.Theygotabigannouncementfortheiranniversarygala,anexcitingnewinitiative,andtheygottokeeptwoyoungandeagerMontgomerysonstaff—three.BecausetheywerealsogettingNikki.
Nikkiwouldbeadjacenttoanythingmybrotherdid,anddespitemyfather’sshortsightedopinionabouthisdaughter-in-law,LolaSimonewasapowerfulally.Herfamegaveheraglobalreachandhundredsofimportantconnections—andshewasverywellrespectedforherhumanitarianwork.NikkiMontgomerywoulddrawasmanydonorstoRoyaumeNorthwesternasmymothereverdid.Herimpactwouldbeimmeasurableandwouldensurethesuccessofthisprogram.Theboardrecognizedthisandhadvotedunanimouslytosupportmyproposal—andthiswasinpart,becauseofher
MaybeonedayDadwouldacknowledgethatitwasNikkiandDanielthathadledtoallthis.MaybeonedayDadwouldapologizeandacceptthelivesDerekandIhadchosenforourselvesandtrytobeapartofit.Learnsomegrace.Ihopedhedid.AndIhopedthatevenifhedidn’t,Momfinallyputherfootdownandchosetodoitanyway.
Iknewfromexperiencethatsometimeswhenthewake-upcallisbigenough,youdo,infact,wakeup.
EitherwayIwasatpeacewiththechoiceI’dmade.DerekandIbothwere.
ButIstilldidn’tseeDaniel.Heshouldhavebeenherebynow.Ifhewascoming,hewouldhavebeen.
Myheartsank.
Ididn’tbelievethathedidn’tknowIwastryingtoreachhim.EvenifBriandIcouldn’tgetintouchwithhimandnoneofmytextsorvoicemailswentthrough,Dougwouldhavecalledhimbynow.Heknew.
Ihadhisanswer.Itwasno.
I’djusthurthimtoomuch,toomanytimes.AndIcouldn’tevenblamehimforbeingdone.
Butitdidn’tchangeanything.BecauseIwouldstillmovetoWakan.
IwasalittlemoreGrantthanMontgomery,Irealized.Iwantedtochangetheworld.ButIwantedtostartthere.AndIwould.
Eveniftheirmayorneverspoketomeagain.
Iexitedthepodiumtoclapping.IwasstoppedbyafewexciteddonorsthesecondIgotoffthestage.Everyonewantedtheirnameonabuilding,andwehadtwonewclinicsupforgrabs.Iwashappyfortheenthusiasm,butIjustreallywantedtogocheckmyphoneandtalktoBri.IwasshakinghandsandtryingtobreakawaywhenIsawafigureappearatthetopofthemarblestaircase.Iheldmybreathashecameintoview.
Daniel…
Myheartstoppedatthesightofhim.
Hewasinablacktux.Onehandontherailing,andeverywomanintheroomlookingathim—buthewasonlylookingatme.AndI’dneverseenhimsohandsomeorsohappy.
“Excuseme,”Ibreathed.
Ithreadedthroughthecrowd,pickeduptheskirtofmydress,andstartedtorun.Hegrinnedwhenhesawmecomingandbeganjoggingdownthestairs.
Iwassorelievedtoseehim,Icouldn’ttellifIwaslaughingorcryingoralittlebitofboth.
Wecollidedinthemiddleofthedancefloor.Hisworldandmine,crashingtogetherinfrontofeveryone.
“Youcame,”Isaid,myarmswrappedaroundhim.
“OfcourseIcame,”hewhispered.
“Daniel,Iamsosorry,”Igasped.“Please,pleaseforgiveme.”
Hepulledawayandcuppedmyfaceinhishands.
Ipeeredupathimwithtearsinmyeyes.“Iloveyousomuch.Imadethebiggestmistake—”
“Shhhhhhh…”
“No.Thatdayyoucametomyhouse,Ishouldhavepackedabagrightthereandthenandleftwithyou.Ishouldhaveleftmonthsbeforethat.IthoughtI’druinedeverything.Ididn’tthinkIwasevergoingtoseeyouagain.”
“I’dliketotellyouthatI’mstrongenoughtostaymadatyou,”hesaid,hisvoicealittlethick.“ButI’mnot.IcamethesecondIgotyourmessage.ThenmytruckbrokedownoutsideofthetuxshopandBrihadtocomepickmeup.Ididn’tknowhowtouseUber.”
Ilaughed,tearspinchingfrommyeyes.
“Didyouhearmyspeech?”Iasked,wipingmycheeks.
“Idid.Iwatchedfromthetopofthesteps.Ididn’twantyoutoseeme,didn’twanttomakeyounervous.”
“Iwasgoingtoquit,Daniel.Iftheyhadn’tagreedtoit,Iwasgoingtoleavetobewithyouanyway.IwascomingtoWakanwithorwithoutRoyaume.”
Hesmiledgentlyatme.“God,youlookbeautiful,”hebreathed.
Ismiledathimthroughtearsandwestoodthere,justbeing.
ItwasincrediblehowwholeIfelt.Howhecompletedthefinalpieceinmymosaic.Iwouldhaveneverbeenrightwithouthim.EvenifI’dnevermethimoreverknewwhohewas.
Thebandstartedplaying“True”bySpandauBallet.Danielraisedaneyebrow.“Idon’tsupposeyouwanttodancewithme?”
Ismiled.“Yes.”Inodded.“OfcourseIwanttodancewithyou.”
Iputanarmaroundhisneck.Heputapalmovertheoneonhisheartandstartedtoturnmeinthismagicalroomfullofflowersandtwinklingstars.
Itfeltlikeafairytale.Helookedlikeaprinceinanenchantedforest.
Butthenhe’dalwaysbeenaprince.Itwasjustthefirsttimeeveryoneelsesawittoo.
Weweretheonlyonesonthedancefloor.Thehugepoofofmydresssweptaroundashespunme,andaspotlightclickedonandbegantofollowus.
Thewholeroomwaswatching.Iwantedthemto.
IwantedeveryonetoseemewiththemanIloved.BecauseIwasproudtolovehiminfrontofmyworld.Iwouldhavebeenproudifhe’dcomeinhisjeansandaT-shirt,mudonhisboots,tattoosandall.HecouldhavewalkedinwithKevinBacon,andIwouldhavesmiledanddoveintohisarms.
“Sowhatdoesthisnewjobmean?”heasked,turningme.“Areyougonnahavetotraveltootherclinicswhentheyopen?Arewenomadsnow?”hejoked.
Ilaughedalittle.“No.Myjobisjusttomakesuretheclinicsarefunded.Basically,Ihavetogotoalotofparties.Weshouldprobablybuythistuxedo,”Isaid,tuggingonhislapel
Hepulledonthecollar.“It’sreallyuncomfortable.I’veneverwornonebefore.”
“YoushouldtrySpanx.”
Helaughed.
“So,IguessI’llhavetomoveyouintothebighouse.You’llneedtheclosetspaceforalltheballgowns.”
Ismiled.“Canwehavethedamaskroom?”Iasked.
“Ofcourse.But…”hesaid,givingmeasternlook,“Ican’tlivewithyouthereunlesswe’remarried.”
Igaspedplayfully.“What?Whynot?”
“That’smygrandparents’bedroom.Can’tdothethingsIwanttodowithyouinthereunlessyou’remywife.Wouldn’tfeelright.”
Ipretendedtothinkaboutit.“Hmmm.Plus,it’shaunted.I’mnotsureIshouldbeintherealone.Weshouldprobablygetmarriedrightaway.Ihadtopromisethehospitalboardnottodropmylastname,butIthinkDr.AlexisMontgomeryGranthasaniceringtoit,don’tyou?”
Henarrowedhiseyes.“Youwouldn’tmindbeingmarriedtoacarpenterinatinytowninthemiddleofnowhere?”
“Ican’treallythinkofabetterwaytospendthenextfiftyyears.Andanyway,wesortofhaveto.Dougbetmeahundredbucksthatwewouldn’tlivehappilyeverafter.”
Helaughed,andhiswholefacelitup.
Dr.AlexisMontgomeryGrant.
ItoccurredtomethatonedayDanielandIwouldberememberedwithyellowingframednewspaperarticleshungonthewallsoftheVFWliketheGrantsbeforeus,andtheideamademefeelsoproudandcomplete,Icouldn’tevenarticulateit.ItwasbetterthanstatelypaintingshunginhospitalhallwaysorarticlesinForbesordocumentariesontheHistoryChannel—thoughwe’dprobablyhavethosetoo.
Wewouldhavethebestofbothworlds.Icoulddancethenightawaywithhimatanextravagantballandthenlethimtakemehometocareforourtown,ourpeople—ourfamily.Becausesometimesfamilyisn’twhatyou’reborninto.Sometimesfamilyisfound.
AndI’dfoundmineinWakan.
I’dfoundmineinhim.
Istartedtotearupagain.
“Whyareyoucrying?”heaskedgently
“BecauseI’mjustsohappy.”Ipeeredupathimthroughmywetlashes.“Let’sneverleavethisplace.Let’sjuststayhereinthismomentforever.”
Hepeeredaround,bobbinghishead.“Well,I’mnotsayingI’dliketobuildasummerhomehere.Butthetreesareactuallyquitelovely.”
Ilaughedsohard,hepulledmeclosertohimbythewaisttoputhisforeheadtomine.
Ibeamed.“Kissme,DanielGrant.”
Helookedscandalized.“Righthere?Infrontofeveryone?”
“Righthere.Infrontofeveryone.”
Hestoppedturningme,andwestoodunderthehugecrystalchandelierinthemiddleoftheroom,theentiregalawatching,alleyesonus.Hehoveredhislipsaninchfrommine.
“As.You.Wish.”Epilogue
Daniel
SevenMonthsLater
DougnoddedatmywifeacrosstheVFW.“AhundredbucksifyoucangethertogivemeMondayoff.”
Ilaughed,rackingupthebilliardballs.“Thatisbetweenyouandyourboss.”
“Comeon,man.I’vegotahotdate.”
Ipausedtolookathimovermyshoulder.“She’sseenthepicturesofyouandshe’sstillcoming?”
Brianlaughed.
Lizlookedupfrombehindthebarandsmiledatthesound,andBriangrinnedbackather.
Dougworkedpart-timeattheclinic.HegothisEMTcertificateandwastheRoyaume-Wakanclinicdesignatedambulancedriver.Itwasanextremelypart-timejobthatconsistedmostlyofmakingsuretherigwasstockedwithsuppliesandgas,andthendrivingsomeonetothehospitalinRochester,shouldthesituationrequireit.TheyhadinventoryMonday.
Briannoddedathim.“Takehertowork.Showhertheambulance.It’llmakeyoulookcool.”
“Alexiswon’tletme.Andthisfuckerwon’tgetmethedayoff.Man,IwingmannedbothofyouidiotsandthisisthethanksIget?”
Ilookedatmywatch.“Ifbywingmanningyoumeanyoumadeusbothlookgoodincomparison,yes,youwingmannedus.”
Briansnorted.
DougtookaswallowofhisFanta.“Idon’tevenwanttothinkabouttheshittydickpicsthat’dbefloatingaroundifitwasn’tforme.Youoweyourentiremarriagetomyexpertise.Youknowwhat?Fuckyou.Anddon’taskmetowatchyourdumbdogagain.I’mnotdoingit.”
Ilaughed.
AlexisfinisheduptalkingtoDoreenoverbythejukeboxandstartedmakingherwayacrossthebartome.IsmiledasIwatchedhercoming.
Wehadn’ttoldanyoneyet.Shewantedtowaituntilshewastwelveweeksalongfirst.Itwaswaytooearlytonoticethebump,andshewaswearingmycamohoodiesoyouwouldn’thaveseenitevenifyoucould.ButitmademegrineartoearknowingwhatIknew,andthatmadehergrineartoeartoo.
We’dalreadydecidedthatourkidswouldbeMontgomeryGrants.Thatwaytheycouldpickwhateverlegacytheywanted.
ItwasalmostayearfromthedaythatIfirstlaideyesonmywife.Abeautifulwomaninafancycar,nosefirstinaditch,talkingtomethroughaone-inchcrackinthewindow.
Mylifewassodifferentnow.Icouldn’thaveeverimaginedhowthatchanceencountercouldleadtoallthis.HowhappyI’dbebecauseofthatdamnraccoon.
We’dhadtheweddingthreemonthsafterthegala.Alexiswantedtogetmarriedbeforetheconstructionoftheclinicwascompleteandshe’dbetoobusytoleaveforourhoneymoon.Thewholetownshutdownforit.
I’dmadeourweddingringsfromthewoodofthebanisterinthehouse.Ietchedthemtomatchandwaterproofedthem.IthoughtmaybeAlexiswouldwantadiamond,andIcouldhavesprungforonewithhowwellmybusinesswasdoing,butshelovedtheideaofmemakingtherings.
WegotmarriedatDoug’sbarn.Jane’scatered,andAlexisorderedmeagroom’scakefromNadiaCakesthatlookedlikearaccoontocommemoratehowwemet
Alexis’sbrotherandhisfamouswifecame,sowehadtogetthreehundredandfiftyNDAssigned.
IreallylikedDerekandNikki.TheyflewinfromCambodiaandstayedwithusatthehousefortwoweeks.
Alexis’sdaddidn’tcometothewedding.
Weknewhewouldn’t.Buthermomdid,andwebothappreciatedthatshehadmadetheeffort.Weknewitwasn’teasyforhertogoagainstherhusband.Butshewasn’twillingtoloseherkidsbecauseofhim.Alexissaidhermomhadbeentotherapytoo,whichmywifewasreallyhappyabout.
Dr.JenniferMontgomerywasanicewoman.AndIthinkshelikedherdaughter-in-law,Nikki,too.Theyhadquiteabitincommon,beingthephilanthropiststhattheyare.
Alexis’smomstayedwithusforaweek.Andwhensheleft,shegifteduswithamonth-longhoneymoon.Itwasathoughtfulpresentonmanylevels.Butmostlybecauseitwasmeantforme.AlexistoldhermomI’dneverbeenanywhere.SoshesentustoItaly,Paris,Greece,London,andIreland.Itwasallfirst-classandfive-starhotels.Atripofalifetime.We’dhadablast.
Alexisalwaysgavemethewindowseatontheplane,sinceI’dneverflownbefore.Weateatsomeofthebestrestaurantsintheworld.I’dlearnedwhichforktouseandImasteredUberandthosekeycardthingiesthatopenhotelroomdoors.Wesawancientruinsandcastlesandspentdaysonwhitesandbeaches.Icamebackevenmoreinlovewithmy
Wewerehappytobehomethough—andsowasDoug,becausehe’dwatchedHunterwhilewewereaway,andourstupiddogkeptbringingliverodentsintothehouse.
Alexisclosedthedistancebetweenus,andIslippedahandaroundherwaist.“Readytogo?”Iasked.
“Yeah.I’mfeelingalittleick,”shesaidquietly.
“Okay.”Ilookedupattheguys.“Hey,we’reheadingout.”
“Seeya,”Briansaid,stillsmilingathisgirlfriend.
Dougnoddedatmywife.“Sowhen’sBrianacomingdownagain?Shestillsingle?”Hebouncedhiseyebrows.
Alexislaughed.“Doug,ifsheknewwhereyoulived,she’dburnyourhousedown.”
“What?”Helookedbackandforthbetweenus.“Shewastotallyintome!”
Everyonestartedcrackingup.
DoughadfollowedBrianaaroundwithhisguitaratourwedding.She’dfoundaspraybottlefullofwateranduseditfortherestofthenighttosquirthimwhenhegottooclose.AtleastNikkishowedhimhowtotunetheguitarwhileshewashere…
“I’llseeyoutomorrow,”Isaid,stillchuckling.Itookmyjacketoffthebackofthebarstoolandputitaroundmywife’sshouldersandwalkedherout
WepushedintothebriskAprilnightair.
We’dwalkedherefortheexercise,sowewerewalkinghome.Itookherhand,andshehuggedmyarmandputherheadonmyshoulder.
“Howyoufeeling?”Iasked.
“I’mjusttired.”
“Ithinkyoushouldpartyless.”
Shelaughed.“Ha.Ihadthatvaccineclinictoday.Imusthavedonetwohundredshots.Andnotthefunkind.”
Ikissedthetopofherhead.“I’llrunyouabathwhenwegethome.”
ThenI’dgetthefireplacegoinginthebedroomwhileshesoaked.Whenshegotout,we’dcurlupinbedwithabook.InthemorningI’dgetupbeforeshedidandmakeherbreakfastbeforeshewentintotheclinicandIwenttothegaragetoworkonmylatestcommission.
AtlunchI’dcomemeetheratJane’sorbringhersomethingifshewastoobusytotakeabreak.Thenfordinnerwe’dcooktogether,maybewatchamovie.
Thehouseseemedsohappythatwewereinit.Itsighedaroundus.AndWakanwashappytoo.Andhealthy.Forthefirsttimeinthetown’shistory,wehadarealdoctor.Wedidn’thavetodrivetoRochester.ShedidhousecallsforPops.AlexiswasabletomonitorDoug’sdepressionmeds,sohegotbackonthemandwasdoingbetterthanever.Lilyhadjustcomeinforherone-yearcheckup.Andtheclinichelpedwiththetouriststoo.Theydidn’tlikehavingtodriveforty-fiveminutestogettreatmenteither.
Theclinicwassobusyitwashardtoimaginethatwe’dmanagedtonothaveoneforthelasthundredandtwenty-fiveyears.Andallinexchangeforusattendingafewfund-raisersonceinawhile.Aluncheonatagolfcourse,thegalathatwe’ddoonceayear,aprivatedinnernowandthenwithbigdonors.Ialwayswentwithher.Theywerefun.IgottomeetMelindaGateslastmonth.
Ialwaysmarveledatmywife.Atthepolished,sophisticatedwomanshewas,explaininginarticulatedetailthestatisticsofunderservedcommunitiesandtheimportanceoftheirdonations.Andthenshe’dcomehomewithmeandputonhermudbootsandgotoDoug’sfarmandhelphimdeliveragoatorsomething.IlovedthatshewassosquarelyaMontgomeryandaGrant.
KevinBacontrottedacrossthestreetaheadofuswearingthereflectivevestDoreenhadmadeforhim.“Therehegoes,”Alexissaid.
Kevinwasourofficialtownmascotnow,allowedtowanderWakanwithimpunity.TouristsfundedhisescapadesbysendingDougmoneyviatheVenmoonthesideofKevin’svestinexchangefortakingpictureswithourfamouspig.ItwasDoug’smostlucrativesidehustleyet.HeprobablycouldgivemethehundredbucksifIgothimMondayoff.
Wecrossedthebridgeandstarteddownthemoonlitbikepathundertheappletrees.
“Huh,”shesaid,huggingmyarm.
“What?”
“Icouldswearthoseweren’tbloomingwhenwewalkedover.”
Ilookedup.Shewasright.Thetreeswereinfullbloom.Icouldn’tremembereither,thoughitseemedlikesomethingIwouldhavenoticed.
“Doyourememberthatnight?”sheasked.“Whenwewerewalkingandthepetalsfell?”
Inodded.“Yup.ThenightwithLizandJake.Thenightthatyouweregoingtotellmeyoucouldn’tseemeanymore.”
Evenasfarbehindusasthatwas,itstillmademychestgetalittletightthinkingaboutit.
“ThatwasthenightIthinkIrealizedIwasinlovewithyou,”shesaid.
“Well.Thatexplainswhyyoutriedtogivemefiftythousanddollars.I’lltakethatnow,bytheway.”
Shelaughed.
“Itwasthenightyougavemetheheartrock,”shesaid,alittledistantly.“Thenightofthespaghettidinner,andIfeltsolovedandappreciated.IthinkIkneweventhenthatIwassupposedtobehere.”
Afewpetalsbegantodriftdownaswewalked.Likeagentlesnowmadeofspringtime.
“IwasonemonthinandIwouldhavegivenyouanything.Eventhen,”Isaid,rememberinghowIfelt.“AndnowI’llalwayshaveyouandIcan’tevenbelieveit’sreal.”
Sheshookherhead.“Ican’tbelievetheuniversesentaraccoonandfogtoputmycarinaditchsoI’denduptherehitchedtothemayor.”
Igaveheranamusedglance.“Areyoutellingmethatyou,awomanofscience,believesthatGodhadnothingbettertodothantrapyouinWakan?”
Sheshrugged.“Maybeshedidn’t.Andthetowngetswhatitneeds,doesn’tit?”
“Thetowndoesgetwhatitneeds…”
Shestoppedwalkingandturnedsoshecouldwrapherarmsaroundme.“Idon’tlikethatyouthinkofmeleavingyouwhenyouthinkofthatnight.Thatnightwasmagictome.Mostofit.”
Iputherfaceintomyhands.“Wehaveawholelifetimeaheadofusfullofmagicnights.Wedon’tneedthatone.”
ShesmiledandIlookedintohereyesandIsaweverything.Therestofmylife.Isawchildrenandgrandchildrenandrockingchairsonthebackporchofthehouseoverlookingtheriverandtwooldpeople,dyingonthesamedaybecausetheworldwouldneverbecruelenoughtomakeeitheroneofusexistwithouttheother.
Thetreesrustledinthewind,andpetalsfloateddownaroundus.Theyhoveredinslowmotionforasecondtime.Theuniversehaddippeditssnowglobeagain,justforus.
Andwestoodthereinthemagic,knowingfullwellwhatitwas.Don’tmissBri’sstory,
cominginSpring2023!Acknowledgments
ThankyoutobetareadersJeanetteTheisenJett,KimKao,TerriPufferBurrell,AmyEdwardsNorman,DawnCooper,TrishGrigorian,LynnFialkow,andsensitivityreaderLeighKramer.
ThankyoutoGeorgeandYasminEapen.ThankyoutoERnurseTerriSaenzMartinez,ERdoctorBrianLovig,andhiswife,Mackenzie,whorelayedmyweirdERquestionstoherhusband.ThankyoutofirefighterparamedicSuzannaHalesKeeran,Dr.PamVoelker,andDr.ChristineMuffolettoforansweringquestionsaboutlifeoncallandworkinginahospital.ThankyoutolaboranddeliverynurseLieslBurnesandOB-GYNSusanTranforhelpingmegetthedeliverysceneright.ThankyoutodomesticviolenceadvocatesAshleeAndersonandVirginiaGonzalez,aformerboardmemberforDVSAS,forhelpingmewriteaboutdomesticviolencewithsensitivityandunderstanding.ThankyoutoSueLammert,alicensedclinicalcounselorspecializingintrauma,forhelpingmetounderstandthepsychologicalimpactoftheabusecycle
Pleaseknowthatanyerrorsinthisbook,shouldtherebeany,werefullymyfaultandnotthoseoftheprofessionalswholoanedmetheirexpertise.
Aspecialthank-youtomybestfriend,LindsayVanHorn,whohashadmanyfrankconversationswithmeaboutherharrowingexperiencewithdomesticviolence.Itwasshewhotoldmethatnobodycouldsaveheruntilshewasreadytosaveherself.Shedid,andshe’shappilyremarriedtoawonderfulman.
Anotherthank-youtoAshleySpivey,whoallowedmetouseherwords:Ibelieveyou,thisisnotyourfault,andyoudon’tdeservethis.Ashleyisabraveandvocalsurvivorofdomesticviolence.ThiswassuchapowerfulstatementthatIaskedifIcouldrepeatitinthisbook.Thankyouforlettingmedoso,sothatthismessagecanreachmoreofthosewhoneedtohearit.
Theaverageabusevictimattemptstoleavetheirabuserseventimesbeforegettingawayforgood.Manydonotleavewiththeirlives.Ifyouoranyoneyouknowisinneedofhelp,pleasereachouttoanyoftheseorganizations.Thereareresourcesavailableandtherearepeoplewhounderstand.
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Text:LOVEIS22522DiscoverYourNextGreatRead
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READINGGROUPGUIDEQuestionsforReaders
WhataretheprosandconsofAlexis’slifestyleversusDaniel’s?Whichwouldyouchoose?Whatisyourdefinitionofsuccess?
AlexisismistreatedbyNeil,andLizbyJake.Compareandcontrastthoseformsofabuse.Whatkindofimpactdoeseachhave?
Alexishasalotofexpectationsputonherbyherfamily.Didyoufeelthatwasfair?Doyouagreewithhowshehandledthesituation?HowisthatdifferentfromorsimilartothepressuresDanielfeels?Aretheretimesinyourownlifewhenthepressureofexpectationhasconflictedwithyourownwantsandneeds?
InsomewaysWakanfeelslikeaplaceoutoftime,itsownseparateworld.Doyouthinkthat’spartofitsprotection?Doyoubelievethataplacecanhaveaspirit,thewayPopsexplained?
Whataresomeofthefairy-talesimilaritiesyoucouldfindinthestory?
Gabby’sbehaviorduringthegirls’weekendisthefirsttimeAlexishasthoughtaboutthepowerofherprivilege.DoyouthinkGabbywasrighttoleaveapoorratingfortheirstayatGrantHouse?Whatwouldyouhavedoneinthesamesituation?Oratarestaurant?OrforanEtsyshop?
AlexisreferstoherselfasDr.Alexisthroughmostofthebook…untilshedecidestomarryDaniel.ThenshebecomesDr.AlexisMontgomeryGrant.Howdoyouthinkthatreflectsthewayshefeltaboutheridentityandfamilylegacy?
Whowouldbeonyourzombieapocalypseteam?Q&AwithAbby
Whatmadeyouwanttotellthisstory?
Mybestfriendwasinanincrediblyabusivemarriagebeforewemet.Shebarelyescapedwithherlife.Shehassincegoneontobeanadvocateforsurvivorsofdomesticviolenceandshespeaksopenlyaboutwhatshelivedthrough.
Ididn’tunderstandthecycleofabusebeforeImetLindsay.Icouldn’twrapmybrainaroundwhyawomanwouldn’tjustleave.Manypeopleareunawareofthepowerdynamicthattakesplaceinanabusiverelationshipandhowtohelpsomeoneenduringit.Itwasn’tuntilLindsaybegantotalktomeaboutitthatIcouldgrasphowcomplicatedthesituationwasandhowharditistogetout.Herewasthisintelligent,capable,strongwomanwhoendedupinthisawfulmarriagethatshefeltpowerlesstoescape.ItshatteredallthepreconceivednotionsIhadaboutwhothishappenstoandwhy.Itwasveryeye-opening.
Ican’tthinkofabetterwaytoeducatethantoputareaderrightintothebrainofsomeonelivingit.IdidalotofduediligenceinwritingthistomakesuretheadviceAlexisgivesLizisaccurate.Myhopeisthatitcanactasaroadmapouttothosewitnessingitorsurvivingit.
InwhatwaysdoyourelatetoAlexis?ToDaniel?
Icanrelatetobothofthem.Igrewupwithoutmoney.Ineverwenttocollege.Ihadtostartworkingatsixteen,whichplantedmeintheserviceindustrywhereIcouldgetajobwithoutanyadvancededucation.Ihavecriedinmanyawalk-infreezer—LOL.Alexisisclosertomyage,andnowthatI’mmorefinanciallysecure,Icanaffordsomenicer
Danielisjustsosaltoftheearth.AndIlovedseeingAlexis’shousethroughDaniel’seyes.Alexiswascompletelyoblivioustoherownlifestyle.Weneverunderstandwhenwe’reinherPOVjusthowopulentandextravagantherlifeis—becauseshedoesn’trealizeitherself.She’ssousedtoit,noneofitevenwarrantsamentalmention.AndthenDanielshowsupthereandhe’sflooredbythewayshe’sliving.IfeellikenomatterhowmanyluxuriesI’mabletoonedayafford,I’llnevernotappreciateit.AndIdon’tthinkDanieleverwilleither.He’llalwaysappreciatetheprivilegesinhislife,becausehecomesfromsuchahumbleupbringing.AndIcanverymuchrelatetothat.
HowdidyoudecideonthenameWakanforDaniel’stown?
ForthenameofDaniel’stownIwantedittobeawordlocalIndigenouspeoplewoulduse,sincesomanyplacesinMinnesotaarestillcalledbytheiroriginalnames.ForthisIcontactedNativeLanguagesoftheAmericasandmadeadonationtotheirNamingFundraisertohavethetownnamed.Thisfund-raiserbenefitsthepreservationofnativelanguages,whichIloved.Iwantedthenameofthetowntobesomethingthatindicateditsmagicalproperties.TheareasouthofMinneapolisistraditionalDakotaSiouxland.Thebest-knownDakotawordfor“magic”is“Wakan”(pronouncedwah-kahn).Thiswordmeansnotonlymagic,butspiritual,sacred,orwondrous
IalsowantedAlexis’sworldtohaveahiddenmeaning.Royaumemeans“kingdom”or“realm”inFrench.
ThingsinWakanaren’talwayswhattheyseem—thedragonflies,thechangingstained-glasswindowatGrantHouse,thefreakstorms.Whatwasyourpurposeinthesedetails,andhowdoesthetownbecomeacharacterinitsownright?
Popssaiditbest:ThingshappeninWakanthatcan’tbeexplained.
Iwantedthetowntohaveatouchof“maybe”magic.IlovedtheideathatAlexisandDanielmeetingwasmorethanluckorfate—itwasdivineintervention.Thespiritofthetownsensingherpresence,knowingshebelongedthere,andfindingawaytostopherfromdrivingon.Andwhateveromnipresententityisguardingthetown,ithasadeepinterestinDaniel.
Danielhassomuchtodowiththewell-beingofWakan.He’sthegroundskeeperinalonglineofgroundskeepers.AndIthinkthemagicwouldhaveavestedinterestinhishappinessandwoulddowhateverneededtobedonetohelphim.It’sprotectiveoverhimandverymuchtiedtoDaniel’semotions—andisn’taboveplayingwingmanwhenneeded.
TherewerealotoflittlenuancedthingsIputinthebookthatyouhadtoreallybepayingattentiontonotice.Thestainedglassonthelandingisoneofthem.It’sneverdescribedthesamewaytwice,becauseit’schanging,andnobodyrememberswhatitusedtobeexceptforthereaderwhoisn’tunderthespell.Italsohastheabilitytomakeyouforgetwhatyou’veseen,anditdoesn’tallowitselftobephotographed.
Thedragonfliesmeanchangeiscoming.WeseethefirstdragonflyintheveryfirstchapterwhenDanielistowingAlexisoutoftheditch.Oncethesetwomeet,wheelsarealreadyturning.Wecontinuetoseedragonfliesthroughoutthebook.TheydisappearinthetubingscenewhenJakeshowsupbecausethere’snochangeinLiz’ssituation,asshedoesn’tfeelabletoleavehim—butafterwardonelandsonherknee,givingushopethatmaybetheideaisplantedandtheremightbehopeforchangeafterall.
There’sastrongroyaltycomponentandatouchofDisneyinthisbook.Tellusaboutthat.
DanielandAlexisarebothroyalty.He’sthelastinhisline,animpoverishedprinceonthecuspoflosinghiscastle.She’sawealthy,albeitreluctant,princesswithanenormousandpowerfulkingdom,theheirtoaprestigiousthrone.Iloveddrawingthatdynamicthroughoutthebook.Derek’sexitisverysimilartoEdwardVIII’sabdicationoftheBritishthronetomarryAmericandivorceeWallisSimpson.Thiswasahugescandalatthetime,coveredruthlesslyinthetabloids.Walliswasconsideredsociallyandmorallyunsuitablefortheking,likeLolawasforDerek,andEdward’sexoduslefthisyoungerbrotherGeorgeVItotakethethrone,muchtohisdismay.
AndIhadablastincorporatingalltheDisneyelementsintoitaswell.WehaveAlexislosingashoerightoutofthegate.She’saredheaded,fish-out-of-waterprincesswithacontrollingfather—TheLittleMermaid,anyone?There’ssomeseriousAladdinvibes.ThestreetthatAlexisliveson,ChateaudeChambord,isnamedafterthecastlethatinspiredboththe1991cartoonandthe2017live-actionfilmofBeautyandtheBeast.IdidthisbecauseAlexisisabeautiful,intelligentwomantrappedinacastlewithamonster.AndofcoursewehaveThePrincessBridenods.Ijusthadsomuchfunwritingthisbook.
IsHunterbasedononeofyourowndogs,thewayStuntmanMikewasinTheFriendZone?
Hunterislooselybasedonmyhusband’shuntingdog,Tess—whohasbroughtmeseveralmostlydeadanimals,includingonethatmadeitintothelivingroom.ShealwayslookstotallyperplexedwhenI’mscreaming.
Whichthreeofyourcharacterswouldyouchooseforyourzombieapocalypseteam?
IfI’mdippingintomyotherbooks,I’dhavetosayJason.Hehunts.ThenAlexis,ofcourse,becauseweneedadoctor,andDanielbecauseheknowshowtocanfood,garden,andbuildadeerstand.AndI’massumingbypickingthesecharacterstheirspousesareautomaticallyontheteambecausenowayamIseparatingthem!Daniel’sCrepeRecipe
?cupmilk
1teaspoonvanillaextract
?teaspoonalmondextract(optional)
?cupwater
?cupgranulatedsugar
4tablespoonsbutter,melted
?teaspoonsalt
3eggs
1?cupsall-purposeflour
Toppings:
Jamorberriesofyourchoice
?cuppowderedsugar
Whippedcream
Chocolate,caramelsauce,orothersauceasdesired(optional)
Step1
Inalargemixingbowl,whisktogetherthemilk,extracts,water,granulatedsugar,butter,salt,andtheeggs.Graduallyaddintheflour,stirringtocombine.Mixuntilsmooth.
Step2
Heatalightlyoiledgriddleorfryingpanovermedium-highheat.Usinga?-cupmeasuringcupforeachcrepe,ladlebatterintothepan.Tiltthepanwithacircularmotionsothatthebattercoatsthesurfaceevenly.
Step3
Cookthecrepefor1–2minutes,untilthebottomislightbrown.Loosenwithaspatula,turn,andcooktheotherside.
Step4
Fillthecrepeswithasmearofyourfavoritejamorfreshberries.Foldinthebottom,thenthesides,thentuckinthetop,likeyou’refoldingaburrito.Sprinklewithpowderedsugarandtopwithadollopofwhippedcreamwiththeoptiontoaddmoreberriesoradrizzleofchocolate,caramel,orsomeotherkindofsauce.
AbouttheAuthor
AbbyJimenezisaFoodNetworkchampionandNewYorkTimesbestsellingcontemporaryromancenovelistlivinginMinnesota.AbbyfoundedNadiaCakesoutofherhomekitchenin2007.Thebakeryhassinceexpandedtomultiplelocationsintwostates,wonnumerousFoodNetworkcompetitions,andamassedaninternationalcultfollowing.Shelovesagoodbook,coffee,doglets,andnotleavingthehouse.
Youcanlearnmoreat:
AuthorAbbyJimenez.com
Twitter@AuthorAbbyJim
Facebook.com/AuthorAbbyJimenez
Instagram@AuthorAbbyJimenez
TikTok@AuthorAbbyJimenezAlsobyAbbyJimenez
Life’sTooShort
TheHappyEverAfterPlaylist
TheFriendZonePraiseforAbbyJimenez
PartofYourWorld
“[A]layered,soul-stirringromance…Jimenezdexterouslytacklesclassdifferenceandshadesherendearingsidecharacterswithasmuchcareasherlovableleads.Theresultisanemotionalrollercoastercenteredonloveasasourceofempowerment.”
—PublishersWeekly,starredreview
Life’sTooShort
“Ahilarious,tender,andaltogetherlife-affirminggemofabook.Thisisthekindofnovelthatleavesyoualittlebetterthanwhenitfoundyou.Jimenezisatruetalent.”
—EmilyHenry,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthor
“Jimenezmasterfullyblendsheavyissuesandhumor,lacingthetear-jerkingheartachewithsassandsarcasm.”
—PublishersWeekly,starredreview
“AbbyJimenez’sknackfortacklingheavysubjectswithhumorandcareshinesthroughinthisexquisitelywrittenstoryaboutlove,difficultfamilyrelationships,andlivinglifetoitsfullest.”
—FarrahRochon,USATodaybestsellingauthor
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